TEXT
stringlengths 1.25k
199k
| METADATA
stringlengths 54
187
| SOURCE
stringclasses 1
value |
|---|---|---|
Year 2030
Ted: Kids you know that photo in the den? It was taken back in 2006, when Grandma and Grandpa came to visit me and we all went out to brunch. We all look pretty happy, right? Wrong.
Year 2006
Lily: I wish your face would melt off.
Marshall: I wish your eyeballs would explode.
Lily: I hate you.
Marshall: I hate you more.
Ted: I'm going to k*ll him.
Barney: I can't say I blame you.
Ted: No, I mean I'm seriously going to k*ll him.
Robin: I don't care how unpleasant it is. You have to talk to him.
Ted's mother: Not now.
Robin: Okay, if you don't, I will.
Ted's mother: Robin...! (She lifts her arm and hits the waitress who falls down.)
Ted from 2030: Okay, for any of this to make sense, you got to understand, there are three parts to this story. Let's start with the Marshall and Lily part.
The Marshall and Lily part.
The previous day, at the apartment.Ted from 2030: As a 30th anniversary gift, I had flown my parents to New York for the weekend.
Ted's mother: Oh, I forgot to tell you, your cousin Jimmy had a wonderful time at that spa he visited.
Ted: You mean the spa the judge ordered him to go to to quit cocaine?
Ted's mother: Coffee?
Ted from 2030: You know, Grandma and Grandpa didn't like to talk about things that were uncomfortable, emotional, or in any way... real.
Lily: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Mosby.
Ted's father: Oh, Lily! Hi, Marshall.
Marshall: Good to see you.
Lily: I was just stopping by to pick up some of my things.
Ted's mother: Yes, we were so sorry to hear about your... You know, the, the... Well...
Marshall: Lily calling off the wedding and dumping me?
Lily: Me begging Marshall to take me back and him rejecting me?
Ted's mother: I love your hair.
OPENING
Ted from 2030: This was only the second time Marshall and Lily had seen each other since breaking up, but to their credit, it wasn't that awkward.
Marshall: Actually, we're cool. We just divided up CDs. It was all very civil. I'm proud of us. Wwe're, we're good.
Ted's mother: Well, we were all going to go to Casa a Pezzi at 8:00. Lily, would you like to join us?
Lily (looking at Marshall): Um...
Marshall: What?
Lily: Well, I-I don't want to go if it would make you uncomfortable.
Marshall: Why would it?
Lily: Well, I mean, yeah, we're... We're good, but you got to admit there's that stuff between us.
Marshall: Um, not for me. Now it's just like we're friends. It's like we're brother and sister.
Lily: "Brother and sister"?! Okay. Fine, yeah, I'll see you at the restaurant, bro. (She leaves)
Ted from 2030: See? Not awkward at all.
The evening, at "Casa a Pezzi". Lily arrives.
Lily: Hello, everyone.
All: Hi.
Lily: Hello, Marshall.
Ted's mother: Lily, that is a stunning dress.
Lily: Oh, thanks. It's kind of revealing, but I thought, "Hey, we're all family." Right, bro? Ooh, ah...
Ted: What's wrong?
Lily: Oh, I, I hurt my ankle in yoga today. The instructor told me to just take deep breaths to get through the pain, just... (She breathes deeply while Marshall glances at her low neckline) Are you all right? You're kind of sweating.
Marshall: No, I'm fine. It's just... This roll is really spicy.
The next morning, at the apartment.
Marshall: Lily is evil! She just wore that dress to t*rture me. Well, you know what? Two can play at that game. See, at brunch, I'm going to t*rture Lily right back. Yeah. There's a part of my body that she's got a weakness for, too.
Barney: Dude, you can't whip that out at brunch.
Marshall: No, not that. I'm going to unleash my calves.
Barney: That's crazy. Nobody's turned on by men's calves. They're a thoroughly unerotic body part.
Marshall: Well, yeah, I'd say that, too, if I had those skinny little chicken legs.
Barney: I'll be waiting by the phone for your apology.
At brunch.
Ted from 2030: So Marshall showed up at brunch with a plan.
Marshall: Hello.
Ted's father: Oh, hi.
Ted: Hey, Marshall.
Robin: Hey.
Lily: Hey. How are you feeling? You looked kind of feverish last night.
Marshall: Oh, no, I actually feel great. It is kind of warm in here, though, isn't it?
Lily: Oh, I don't know, if anything, it's kind of... (Marshall starts unzipping his knee zips) What are you doing?
Marshall: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. I'm just making myself feel a little bit more... comfortable. (He starts massaging his calve) Oh. Oh, yes. I've been doing all these toe lifts lately, and so... My calves have really been cramping up.
Marshall and Lily are in the restaurant bathroom.
Marshall: Take off your dress.
Lily: Take off the rest of your pants.
Later, leaving the bathroom and joining the table.
Lily: I really wasn't expecting that to happen.
Marshall: Yeah, me neither. It kind of complicates things, doesn't it?
Lily: Yeah, it does. Why did you have to throw your magnificent calves at me? You know you have a punter's leg.
Marshall: Well, why did you have to throw your beautiful boobs at me? You know you have... boobs.
Lily: Just admit it, you came here trying to seduce me.
Marshall: Seduce you? You seduced me.
Lily: You sat down next to me and took most of your pants off.
Marshall: You went to San Francisco for three months.
Lily: How is that seducing you?
Marshall: Well, it's not but I'm still mad about it.
Lily: All right, that's it - I want The Beatles Anthology.
Marshall: Oh, well, that's too bad. I'm keeping it! And you know the U2 box set I gave you? Look inside - all Dave Matthews.
Lily: You are evil.
The waitress (taking a photo): Smile!
Ted: I'm going to k*ll him.
Barney: I can't say I blame you.
Ted: No, I mean I'm seriously going to k*ll him.
Ted from 2030: Now let's talk about the Barney part of the story.
The Barney part.
The previous day, at the apartment.Ted from 2030: This was going to be Robin's first time meeting my parents, so we were both a little nervous.
(Somebody knocks at the door. Ted opens. It's Barney.)
Ted: Barney, what are you doing here?
Barney: Uh... I'm here to meet your parents. They must be dying to meet me after all the legendary Barney stories you've told them.
Ted: I haven't told them any legendary Barney stories.
Barney: What?
Ted: Barney, here is a list of all the things I talk with my dad about: baseball.
Barney: But I'm your best friend.
Ted: Well, actually Marshall's my...
Barney: I'm the most important person in your life.
Ted: Well, Robin's actually...
Barney: How could your parents not know about me? I'm delightful.
Robin: To us, sure, in very small, infrequent doses. I mean, come on, you're not exactly the kind of friend parents want their kid to have.
Barney: Oh, really? Then I guess those shoes aren't the thing you're most wrong about today.
(Knock at the door, Ted opens.)
Ted: Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Ted's father: Ted.
Ted: I know you've all been excited to meet...
Barney: Barney Stinson. An honor to meet the two of you. That needlepoint "Bless This Mess" pillow you made for Ted - what a stitch. Stitch! Did that just happen? (Ted's parents and Barney laugh)
Ted: Uh, Mom, Dad, this is my girlfriend, Robin.
Ted's father: Hello.
Robin: Hello.
Ted's mother: Oh, it's wonderful to meet you, Robin. Oh, you are so pretty. Isn't she pretty, Al?
Ted's father: A real looker.
Robin: That's funny, I didn't even "look" in the mirror today. That's not anything, is it? So, I made a reservation at San Marino tonight for 8:00.
Barney (laughing): San Marino! Oh, you're serious? Yikes. No. We have to try Casa A Pezzi. Best salmon risotto I have ever had.
Ted's mother: I love salmon risotto.
Barney: I know.
Robin: How are we supposed to get a table at Casa A Pezzi? They're booked for weeks.
Barney: Well, lucky for you, I happen to know the head waitress, which is ironic because...
Ted: Stop it! Don't, don't!
Barney: Ironic because we both work at a homeless shelter where I serve the food. Where do you volunteer, Robin?
In the kitchen.
Robin: What's the matter with you? I'm his girlfriend, and I'm not even trying that hard. Way to wreck the curve, kiss-ass.
Barney: Robin, I'm his best friend. That's a commitment. Girlfriend? That's like a bad flu. Out of your system after a couple weeks in bed. High five!
(Ted's mother comes in the kitchen)
Ted's mother: Can I help?
Barney: Yes, you can, Virginia. There's a story behind that broach, and I'm going to hear it.
Ted's mother: Well, funny you should ask...
At "Casa a pezzi". Barney is playing the piano.Ted's father: Whoa! Bravo, Barney. Oh, oh oh!
Ted's mother: That is my all-time favorite sonata.Barney, you are just delightful.
Barney: No, Virginia, you're delightful, I am deligh-ted. And he's just Ted. I'm really not planning these things; they just keep happening.
Lily: Whoops. I think I dropped an ice cube down here. Ow, it's so cold.
Marshall: All right, that's it, I'm out of here. In a minute.
Barney: Anyone up for a drink at MacLaren's?
Robin: No, I'm kind of tired.
Lily: Me, too.
Ted: Yeah, I'm sure my folks are gonna want...
Ted's father: I feel like I could knock back a few cervezas.
Ted: Cervezas? Did he fall?
Ted's mother: I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for Mass tomorrow.
Barney: St. Peter's, 8:45 a.m., it's my favorite service.
Ted: Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?
Barney: I'll save you a seat.
Ted's mother: Oh, you are just terrific. Isn't he, Susan?
Robin: Robin.
Barney: Susan, her name is Virginia.
The next morning, at the aprtment.
Barney: Dude, I am sincerely ticked at your dad right now.
Ted: Why?
Barney: Last night, we go to MacLaren's for a drink, right?
[FALSHBACK, at MacLaren's]
Ted's father (talking to a girl): So Barney darts back into the burning house, lifts up the refrigerator I'm pinned under and pulls me to safety.
Girl: Wow. You're like a hero.
Barney: Oh, I'm no hero, Wendy. You know who is a hero? My Dalmatian, Smokey. He... didn't... make it out. I'm sorry.
Girl: You poor, brave man.
Ted's father: Why don't you give the guy a hug?
Barney: I'm... oh. (They hug).
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: My dad was your wingman? This is really messing with my head. Barney, is... Is my dad cool?
Barney: I'm not done. So, your dad stays to finish his drink, but I take off because I have to be up early for Mass with your mom.
Ted: Sure.
Barney: Anyway, I realize that I left my phone on the bar, so I come back...
(Flashback: Barney arrives in the bar, sees Ted's father making out with Wendy and takes a photo of them with his phone. Back at the apartment, he hands Ted the phone)
Ted: Oh, my God! Is that really...? Oh, my God!
Barney: I know. Can you believe your dad rack-jacked me like that?
Ted: My dad made out with Wendy the waitress? He cheated on my mom? No, that's impossible.
Barney: Ted, it's a well-known statistic that 83% of people married longer than six months are seeing someone on the side.
Ted: Do you know that when you make up a statistic, you always use "83%"?
Barney: You think I'm lying. Well, have you done any surveys on the subject? Because the good people at www.swingers.open-marriage-is-natural-l ... lygamy.org have, and they beg to differ.
Ted: That's not a real Web site.
Barney: Oh, and I suppose I didn't get a real T-shirt for running in their 10K.
(Knock at the door, Ted opens)
Ted: Hi, Dad.
Ted's father: Hey, Ted. Barney!
Ted: Enjoying your vacation so far?
Ted's father: Oh, yeah.
Ted: Uh, listen, can I speak to you outside for a sec?
Ted's father: Sure.
Outside.
Ted: So you went out with Barney last night?
Ted's father: Yeah.
Ted: You have a good time?
Ted's father: Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry you couldn't join us.
Ted: Yeah. So...
Ted's father: What?
Ted: Well...
Ted's father: Well what?
Ted: You think Cerrano's got a sh*t at the RBI title?
At brunch.
Ted: I wanted to confront him, but I couldn't. I guess I got the let's-not-talk-about-anything-uncomfortable gene
Barney: Well, you didn't get your dad's close-the-deal gene, that's for sure.
The waitress (taking a photo): Smile!
Robin: I don't care how unpleasant it is. You have to talk to him.
Ted's mother: Not now.
Robin: Okay, if you don't, I will.
Ted's mother: Robin...! (She lifts her arm and hits the waitress who falls down.)
Ted from 2030: Okay, now I got to back up all the way to the beginning to tell you the me and Robin part of the story.
The me and Robin part.
The previous day, at the apartment.
Ted from 2030: We were expecting my parents at any minute.
Ted: One last thing about my mom. She grills every single one of my girlfriends about when we're gonna get married and have kids.
Robin: But this is the first time she's meeting me.
Ted: Doesn't matter. And you'll know it's coming when she mentions my cousin Stacy: six kids in five years. The woman's basically a ride at a water park.
Robin: But I don't want to get married and have kids. What am I supposed to say?
Ted: You know what? You're an adult with perfectly valid opinions. You shouldn't have to apologize for them.
Robin: I'm gonna lie.
Ted: I would.
At "Casa a pezzi".
Lily: Thanks again for letting me have the U2 box set.
Marshall: I know how important it is to you.
Ted's mother: I talked to Aunt Caroline the other day. Stacy's pregnant again.
Ted: Oh, good for her.
Ted's mother (to Robin): So, dear...
Robin: Oh, boy.
Ted's mother: Tell us what it's like being a journalist.
Robin: I'm just not ready.
Ted's mother: Okay. No pressure.
Robin: Oh. Uh, I thought you, um... It's great.
Ted's mother: Good. Focus on your job now, because your career clock is ticking. There's time for marriage and kids and all that other stuff later.
Barney: Ooh, a piano!
The next morning, at the apartment.
Ted: You lucked out with my mom last night, huh? What a relief, right?
Robin: Oh, absolutely. Whew, what a relief it is to know I'm the one girlfriend your mom doesn't want you to have kids with.
Ted: Hooray?
Robin: I mean, did she really think that your college girlfriend Cheryl would pop out attractive children? 'Cause I've seen pictures, and, I'm sorry, that girl had a brow ridge like a caveman.
Ted: Come on, she was just frowning under direct light. And besides, that's not even what I liked about her. It was her... It's not important.
At brunch.
Barney: What happened to Marshall and Lily?
Ted: They've been fighting lately. They're probably off somewhere going at it.
Waitress: More coffee?
Ted's mother: Oh, no, thank you. Isn't she sweet?
Robin: Well, if she's so sweet, maybe she should have Ted's babies.
Ted's mother: Excuse me?
Robin: Nothing. (She leaves the table to go to the bathroom, the door is locked, she knocks.)
Lily: Just a minute.
Marshall: Maybe less.
Ted's mother: Robin, dear, did I say something to upset you?
Robin: Why don't you want me to have your grandkids?
Ted's mother: Do you want to have my grandkids?
Robin: No! I mean, I don't know. I just... I want you to want me to want to have your grandkids. And you should. I'm a genetic gold mine. No family history of diabetes or heart disease. Everyone has nonporous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle but even he had perfect vision. Which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in, but still he was a very fine man, and...
(Marshall and Lily go out the bathroom)
Marshall: Excuse me. Sorry. Didn't know that there was a line.
Lily: Marshall, your zipper.
Ted's mother: Robin, it's not that I don't want grandkids. It's just I don't think anyone should make the mistake of getting married too young.
Robin: Why do you say that? I mean, you got married pretty young. That wasn't a mistake. Was it?
Ted's mother: Well... Okay, there's something you don't know...
Back to the table.
Waitress: Smile!
Lily: I wish your face would melt off.
Marshall: I wish your eyeballs would explode.
Ted: I'm gonna k*ll him.
Robin: I don't care how unpleasant it is, you have to talk to him.
Ted's mother: Not now.
Robin: Okay, if you don't, I will.
Ted's mother: Robin...! (She lifts her arm and hits the waitress who falls down.)
Ted's father: Oh, gosh, let me help you pick those up, sweetheart.
Ted: Sweetheart? Sweetheart?! The only sweetheart in your life should be the woman you married 30 years ago, not the waitress at the bar last night and not this clumsy floozy! (To the waitress) I'm sorry, you're not a floozy. I'm upset, I don't know what I'm saying. But stay away from my dad.
Ted's mother: Ted, what are you talking about?
Ted: Dad? You, uh, want to tell Mom what happened at the bar last night?
Ted's father: Okay. I hooked up with a waitress.
Ted's mother: Oh.
Ted: Oh?
Ted's mother: I mean, oh! Oh! Ooh! We're going to have a serious talk about this when we get home, Al. Oh, ooh!
Ted: Serious talk? Mom, what...? He was kissing another woman. Don't you care?
Robin: Mrs. Mosby?
Ted's mother: Ted, we weren't quite sure how to tell you this...
Ted's father: Your mother and I are divorced.
Ted: What do you mean you're divorced? Since when?
Ted's mother: Oh, gosh, it's been about nine months now.
Ted's father: Closer to ten, I think.
Ted's mother: Time flies.
Ted: So ten months ago, you just up and decided to get divorced without telling me?
Ted's mother: No, it wasn't a snap decision.
Ted's father: We'd been separated almost two years.
Ted: How could you not tell me this?!
Ted's mother: We meant to, it just never seemed like the right time.
Ted: So last Christmas...?
Ted's father: We talked about telling you kids then, but it didn't seem very Christmasy.
Ted: I got you a tandem bike.
Ted's father: Oh, it didn't go to waste. Your mother and Frank ride it all the time.
Ted: Who the hell is Frank?!
Ted's father: Oh, great guy. I actually set them up. You remember Dr. Muchnik. He did your braces.
Ted: Okay, my head's about to explode, and I don't want to get it all over everyone's waffles, so I am leaving. (He leaves, following by his parents and Robin)
Ted's mother: Teddy bear, oh...
Barney: You know, he mentioned he was divorced last night. I totally spaced on that. Ooh, no line at the omelet station.
Marshall: Lily... I'm sorry that I said all those things.
Lily: Me, too.
Marshall: I just find it really confusing to be around you right now.
Lily: It's the same for me. I think we're probably both better off trying to keep some distance for a while.
Marshall: Yeah, I think you're right. Are you wearing a push-up bra?
Lily: Did you Mystic Tan your calves?
Marshall: I withdraw the question.
Outside.Ted's father: We're sorry we didn't say anything about the divorce.
Ted's mother: It was wrong not to tell you.
Ted: Thank you.
Ted's father: But listen, don't tell your sister.
Ted's mother: It would just upset her.
Ted: No, this is ridiculous! We have to start talking about stuff, and not just baseball.
Ted's father: Indians won today on a walk-off double.
Ted: Against the Red Sox? Boy, that's a big win. No. No. No. We're not gonna blow past this. I mean, I don't even know who you people. I don't even know how you met.
Ted's father: I never told you how I met your mother?
Ted: No.
Ted's father: Oh, great story. At a bar.
Ted: That's it? That's what passes for communication in our family? Man, when I have kids, and I tell them how I met their mother, I'm gonna tell them everything, the whole damn story.
Ted's father: I think it was an Irish bar.
Ted: I just, I don't... I don't understand. You seemed so happy. When I was growing up, you seemed so... What happened?
Ted's father: We just realized we're very different people.
Ted's mother: Your father's kind of a head-in-the-clouds romantic, and I'm much more down to earth.
Ted: So? Robin and I are like that. That doesn't mean anything.
Ted's father: I wanted kids. And your mother... also wanted kids.
Ted: Robin and I have different views on families. We're not about to break up because of it.
Ted's mother: On some level, I always knew. I didn't even want to go out with him in the beginning. But he spent months badgering me until I finally gave in.
Ted's father: Well, when you don't connect on that many fundamental levels, it's only a matter of time before you realize you're not meant to be together.
Ted's mother: But we love Robin.
Ted's father: Absolutely. Meeting you was the highlight of my trip. Well, second highlight.
Ted's mother: We'll see you inside.
Ted's father: Sorry.
Robin: Wow.
Ted: I know.
Robin: They love me!
Back inside, later.Ted's mother: So we are definitely going to try and communicate more.
Ted's father: From now on, full disclosure.
Ted: Good. Good, I think it'll be really good for the family. By the way, how's Grandma? She hasn't returned my last couple calls.
Ted's mother: I'm gonna get some juice.
Ted: No. No.
Ted's father: You missed a great game last night. Real squeaker.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x03 - Brunch"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes your relationship goes so smoothly for so long that you think it will be that way forever. It never is.
At MacLaren's, Ted arrives.
Ted: Well, we just had our first fight.
Robin joins Lily at a chiroposdist's place.
Robin: We had our first fight.
MacLaren's.
Barney: Oh, no, what'd you fight about? (He puts his headphones on).
Ted: A few months ago, my architecture firm was approached to design this new building...
Chiroposdist's place.
Robin: It's this big skyscraper in Spokane. It'd be a huge project for his firm.
MacLaren's.
Ted: And if we don't get it, we could go under.
Chiropodist's place.
Robin: So anyway, the head architect unveils his new design to the whole company.
(At Ted's office, the head architect unveils his new design, everybody applauses except for Ted.)
MacLaren's.
Both Marshall and Barney: No.
Ted: Yes.
Marshall: Well, all skyscrapers kind of look like a...
Ted: Marshall, it's a 78-story pink marble tower with a rounded top and two spherical entryways at the front.
Marshall: Wow, so it's the whole package.
Barney: Yeah, you did.
Marshall: Had to.
Barney: Oh, dude, if they're selling condos, you got to get me in. And don't give me the shaft.
Marshall: Yeah, you did.
Barney: Had to.
Ted: It's a travesty. It's gonna define the skyline of the city. If it was me, I could've designed something amazing. Instead, I'm spending 12 hours a day designing the cornices.
Marshall: Yeah, you did.
Ted: That wasn't one.
CREDIT TITLES
At the chiroposdist's.
Lily: So you and Ted had your first fight. It obviously ended well. I mean, you're here with me.
Robin: Actually, it didn't end at all. I started getting bummed out, so I came here. It's what I do. When my grandma died, I got a perm.
Lily: Ooh, two tragedies in one day.
Robin: The thing is, Ted has been literally complaining about work nonstop for weeks. So, when I came over today, I was kind of done.
[FLASHBACK, at the apartment]
Ted: Hey.
Robin: Hey.
Ted: How was your day?
Robin: Good.
Ted: Wow, you're a great interviewer. Aren't you gonna ask how my day was?
Robin: No, I know how it was. It was awful. Ooh, you want to rent a movie tonight?
Ted: You know, um... I listen to your work stories all the time.
Robin: Yeah, but... and I don't want to be rude here, but my work stories are interesting. I'm a television news reporter.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Robin!
Robin: What? I knew exactly what he was going to say. I was just helping him get there faster.
Lily: You should work at a su1c1de hotline.
Robin: And then it got ugly.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: What I don't do is tell you the same story over and over again. I mean, you wouldn't watch the same movie over and over again, would you? Maybe a great movie like Die Hard. But Field of Dreams? Once is more than enough.
(At MacLaren's, Marshall and Barney make a face.)
Ted: So that's your go-to bad movie? The number one example on the tip of your tongue of a bad movie is Field of Dreams?
Robin: It's about ghost baseball players. I think it's stupid.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: So, now he's all mad at me about the stupid movie.
Lily: Robin, he's upset because you wouldn't listen to him, not because you didn't like some movie.
At MacLaren's.
Ted: How do you not like Field of Dreams?!
At the chiropodist's.
Lily: Listening is the foundation of a relationship. And if he's really droning on, you can always practice saying the alphabet backwards. You know, in case you get pulled over for a DUI.
Robin: I guess I don't know how to do that.
Lily: Yeah, it's really hard, even when you're sober. That's what I tried to explain to the cop.
Robin: No, I mean, I guess I don't know how to do this girlfriend thing. I've never been in a relationship this serious before. I should probably go tell him I'm sorry, shouldn't I? You're trying to do it right now, aren't you?
Lily: What the hell comes before "Q"?
At MacLaren's.
Ted: Then at the end of the movie when he has a catch with his dad, like... Like he never did when he was young enough for it to matter.
Barney (brokenly): Can we talk about something else?
Marshall: You know what, dude? Forget about Robin, okay? You're hanging with us tonight. I've got an awome party lined up.
Barney: Oh, God! This gonna be another one of your weird all-guy parties?
Marshall: That was a poker game. What is wrong with you? No, it's the first law school party of the year and it's gonna be awesome. I haven't seen this guys since, like, last year before Lily and I broke up. So I'm gonna have to break the news to everybody. It's really gonna bum them out. This party's gonna suck.
Barney: Well, love to join you at that one. But I got tickets to Foxy Boxing.
Ted: I wish I could join you guys, but I got to get back to my apparently boring job.
Marshall: Your job's not boring.
Ted: Robin thinks so.
Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think architects are hot. Think about it, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There's nobody hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.
Barney: I'm telling you, you should use the architect angle with the ladies.
Ted: Okay, first of all, I have a girlfriend. Second, the architect angle doesn't even work on her. And, third, I can't imagine that working on anyone ever.
Barney: That's 'cause you're always like... (Dully) "Ted Mosby, architect". If it were me, I'd be like... (Confidently) "Ted Mosby, architect". Anything sounds impressive when it's said with the right attitude.
Marshall (suavely): Marshall Ericksen. Recently dumped and heading to a lame party. Whoa. Whoa, ladies, please take it easy. There's enough of me for everyone. Oh. Hi. Hello. All right. We're gonna take off..
Barney: Wait up, I'll leave with you guys. "Ted Mosby, architect". Trust me.
(Barney and marshall leave. Ted starts leaving and suddenly walk to a girl)
Ted: Hey, just out of curiosity. If a guy told you he was an architect, what would you think of that?
Girl: Are you kidding? Architects are hot. How do you think Mr. Brady scored a babe like Carol?
Ted: Solid point. She did have hair of gold.
Girl: Yes, she did.
Ted: Mm-hmm.
Later, Robin and Lily arrive at MacLaren's.
Robin: Hey, Carl, is Ted still here?
Carl: No. Hey, Lily. You still single?
Lily: Yes.
Carl: You know... I've poured a lot of free drinks for you over the years. A lot.
Lily: Carl, do you really want to be with a woman who would trade sex for beer?
Carl: Only if you're into it. It's on me.
Lily: Thanks.
Robin: I wonder where Ted went.
A girl: Ted Mosby, the architect?
Robin: Actually, yeah. Oh, he is such a cool guy. He was here earlier.
[FLASHBACK. The girl, the one whose Ted was talking to earlier and Ted]
Girl 1: And what made you decide you wanted to become an architect?
Ted: Well, you know, soul of an artist, hands of a master craftsman. It was inevitable, I guess.
Girl 1: I bet you can draw, can't you? You should draw me.
Ted: Well, I could try, but you might end up looking like a midcentury tri-level. Hey, if you want, my friend Marshall invited me to this party we could all go to. Marshall's great. He's just a lawyer, but somebody has to push the paper around for us creative types. Am I right?
Girls: Yeah.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: He asked her to a party. Oh, my God, are you okay?
Robin: Okay? It's awesome. It's a win-win. Ted got to vent and I don't have to hear it. Maybe after he's done with the talkie-talk, he'll come over and I'll get the fun part.
Lily: What is wrong with you? God, I feel like I'm teaching love as a second language here. Okay, you know how when he tells you boring work stories you're supposed to listen? Well, when he picks up some random girl at a bar, you're supposed to freak out.
Robin: I'm not freaking out because in my mind, she's fat.
Girl: She's a kickboxing instructor. Her ass looks better than my face.
Robin: All right, we'll swing by the party.
Ted from 2030: Now the party was for some of Marshall's classmates from Columbia Law School, who by day were some of the sharpest and most serious young legal minds in the country. By night, however...
At the party.
Robin: Damn, these are some drunk almost-lawyers.
Guy 1: Okay! Seriously... Who wants to shave my ass?!
Ted from 2030: That guy went on to become a Supreme Court justice.
Lily: Okay, where are the guys and the hooker?
Guy 2: Yo, what's up, ladies? Welcome to the party. Yeah! Just need you to sign this release protecting the host from any and all responsibility should you harm yourself or a third party. Then freakin' rage! Yeah!
Robin: Hey, drunk legal dude, um... Have you seen Marshall Ericksen? He was with a guy named Ted.
Guy 2: You mean Ted Mosby, the architect? Man, what a visionary. Yeah, they were here.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Awards are nice, they look good on my shelf. But none of that acclaim means anything compared to the joy of seeing the sun rise over your first building.
Girl: Wow. I would love to watch the sun rise with you.
Ted: I know you would. It's the job.
Guy 2 (to guy 1): Dude. You should let us shave your ass tonight.
Guy 1: No way.
Girl 2: Hey, Marshall, where's Lily?
Marshall: I didn't want to ruin the party for everybody this early, but, uh... everyone take a seat. Um... Lily actually called off the wedding this summer to go to San Francisco. So... We're broken up.
Guy 2: Her name wasn't on your lease, was it? 'Cause if not, New York state law, you're not obligated to give her half the deposit when you move.
Marshall: Yeah, that's not really the part I was worried about, guys.
Girl 2: And don't forget the precedent set by Smith v. Rosenblatt, '74. Any personal effects she left in your house or dwelling become yours after 30 days.
Marshall: Guys, can we cease and desist with the lawyer speak for a minute? Love died. The love that made you all believe in love, that's d*ad now.
Girl 2: You should sue her.
Marshall: Uh, really? On what ground, Kara?
Kara: On the grounds of... shut up.
Ted from 2030: That's our Attorney General.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: See? Marshall's still hung up on our breakup. Why? Because I listened to him. It was a strong and nurturing relationship that I threw away like old gum.
Robin: Not that I'm worried or anything, but, um, back to the sun rising over Ted and, uh... Oh, what tasteful way did you describe her?
Guy 2: The girl with the smackable ass.
Robin: Yes, that's the young lady.
[FLASHBACK]
Girl: So, I know the bouncer at this techno club, Posers. Do you feel like dancing?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Yeah, okay. There is no way Ted went dancing. Ted hates clubs.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Hell, yeah. I love clubs. I mean, I was going to design a cathedral tonight, kind of take a whack at the whole relationship between God and man conundrum. But sure, let's go dancing.
Girl: Yay!
Ted: Wait, let me just check with my friend.
Girl: Okay.
Ted: Hey, Marshall. You up for some super loud, repetitive music that hasn't changed since the mid-90s?
Marshall: Um... only always.
Ted: Let's go.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Dancing? He went dancing with this girl? Okay, maybe this is a little bad. Dancing is bad. Dancing leads to sex.
Lily: Did you grow up in that Footloose town?
Robin: I'm calling him. I'm telling him that I was wrong and I'm sorry, and I totally want to listen to his stupid stories.
Lily: Yeah, think of another way to phrase that and you'll be fine.
Robin: He's not answering. Calling Marshall.
(In a club, Marshall picks up his phone.)
Marshall: Hello.
Robin: Marshall, hi, it's Robin. Can I talk to Ted?
Marshall: Oh, Robin, hi. Um, no, Ted's not here tonight. He's, uh... he's working.
Robin: Uh, okay. Bye. (She hangs up) Marshall just lied. Ted's cheating on me.
In front of a club.
Robin: Excuse me. I'm looking for a couple guys who came in here earlier. One's about six-four, 210, sandy brown hair. And the other's a cheating bastard.
Bouncer: You're going to need to refresh my memory.
Lily: Okay, fella. Baby knows how this game's played. How's a $20 help your memory?
Bouncer: Thanks, but seriously, it was crazy tonight. You really do need to refresh my memory.
Lily: Then can I have the...? That's cool. You keep that.
Robin: So these guys... One of them's an architect.
Bouncer: Ted Mosby, the architect?
Robin: That's the one.
Bouncer: Oh, yeah, he was here.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: And then I was all, "No, Frank Gehry, you're on your own this time." And that, my dear, was the end of that hack's career.
Girl: I live across the street.
Ted: That is one hell of a non sequitur.
Girl: You want to come over?
Ted: Well, I don't know. But I suppose I should at least give you a ride home. Hop on. (The girl jumps on Ted's back)
Girl (to the bouncer): I'll see you at book club, Vinny.
Bouncer: Yeah. I'll be bringing the crudités.
Girl: Nice. Giddy up!
Marshall: Dude, dude, what are you doing?
Ted: Galloping.
Marshall: You proved it, all right? The whole "Ted Mosby, architect" things works.
Girl: Architects rule! Whoo-hee!
Marshall: Aren't you a little worried that a certain somebody might find out that you're doing this? This isn't you, Ted.
Ted: It is tonight. Whoo!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: You know this girl. Where does she live?
Bouncer: I'm not telling you that for less than 20 bucks.
Lily: Well, I'm out of money.
Robin: I'm cashed, too.
Bouncer: I'll take your purse.
Robin: My purse?
Bouncer: Yeah, my girl likes clutches.
Robin: Okay, fine.
Lily: You should tell her that looks really good with a chocolate boot.
Robin: Bitch is lucky I brought my small purse. No room for my g*n. Here. Now where does the rodeo slut live?
Bouncer: The building with the green light, apartment 3-C.
Lily: Oh, my God, Robin, are you going to kick this girl's ass?
Robin: Yeah... And steal her purse.
In a building.
Robin: I can't believe he's cheating on me. You know how many times I could have cheated? Six... no seven. And you know two of them, and they would surprise you.
Lily: 3-C, let's do this. You ready?
Robin: Should I just kick the door in?
Lily: Those are really nice heels and you already lost the purse. Let's see if it's unlocked. It's unlocked. Okay, get in there and kick some spankable ass. Robin?
Robin: I'm the problem.
Lily: What?
Robin: You were right. I don't know how to be a girlfriend. I took the nicest guy in the world and I made him a cheater.
Lily: Well, don't stand out here and b*at yourself up. Get in there and b*at Ted up. I'll handle the slutty kickboxer. Actually, I'll take Ted.
Robin: Let's do this.
Lily: Bring it. (They come in)
Robin: What do you think you're...? Barney?
Barney (tied up to the bed): Thank God you're here. Can you help with this? I need nails.
Robin: Okay, I'm totally lost here. Where's Ted?
Barney: Ted? He's at work.
Robin: How did you get here?
Barney: Awesome story. As per usual.
[FLASHBACK. At MacLaren's]
Girl: How do you think Mr. Brady scored a babe like Carol?
Ted: Solid point. And she did have hair of gold.
Girl: Yes, she did.
Barney (coming back in the bar): Sorry, I forgot my binocs for Foxy Boxing. Whoo, looks like things just got a little foxier right here.
Ted: Yes, they did. And you're just in time. Girls, I got to go, but I'm leaving you in very good, if slightly sullied hands.
Girl: Don't go. We don't even know your name to look out for your buildings.
Barney: Yeah, stay (mouthing "go")
Ted: Excuse us for one second. (To Barney) Okay, you were right - the architect thing totally works. But I've got a girlfriend and I've got to get back to work. This project is getting harder and harder.
Barney: Yeah, you did.
Ted: Yeah, had to. See ya. (He leaves)
Barney (to the girl): Sorry, my, uh... intern had to leave.
Girl: Oh, well, that's too bad. I'm Anna, by the way.
Barney: Ted Mosby... Architect.
(At the party)
Barney: But none of that acclaim means anything compared to the joy of seeing the sun rise over your first building.
(In front of the club)
Anna: Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up!
Marshall: Dude, dude, what are you doing?
Barney: Galloping.
Marshall: All right, you proved it. The whole "Ted Mosby, architect" thing works.
Anna: Architects rule! Whoo-hoo.
Marshall: Aren't you afraid a certain somebody might find out about this? I mean, this isn't you, Ted.
Barney: It is tonight.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: And that led to a couple of hours that I cannot, as a gentleman, divulge to you. We did it right here, and here and here.
Robin: But why would you use Ted's name?
Barney: I've had some recent bad press on the World Wide Web. So I'm taking a T.O. on the whole "using my real name" thing.
Lily: Oh, this is great. It wasn't Ted. Everything's okay.
Robin: Everything isn't okay. Look at me. I'm acting crazy and jealous and paranoid.
Lily: This is how people act in relationships.
Robin: And that's why I avoid relationships.
Lily: Well, guess what, I haven't been crazy or jealous or paranoid in months, and I really miss it.
Barney: And thus ended this chapter of, "Let's pour our hearts out in the bedroom of Barney's one-night stand." Come on, let's go before she gets out of the shower.
Robin: You're such a pig. You're not even going to say good-bye?
Barney: I'll have you know I composed a lovely form letter for use in just such an occasion. Just fill out her name and then... Something with a "A." A... A... I'll just put "resident." Go, go, go, go.
Ted from 2030: Robin took a long walk that night. She thought about how opening yourself up to another person usually means opening yourself up to going a little crazy. She thought about how much easier it was just to be alone. And then she came to see me.
Ted's office.
Robin: Hey.
Ted: Hey. What are you doing here?
Robin: I brought donuts. And I don't want to brag, but they're filled with jelly.
Ted: Thanks. So, uh... how was your night?
Robin: It was... fine. Nothing exciting. How was yours?
Ted: You really want to hear about boring architect stuff?
Robin: Yes, I do. I'm sorry about earlier. To tell you the truth, I never even saw all of Field of Dreams. I fell asleep half way through.
Ted: What? The best part's the last 20 minutes.
Robin: Well, maybe they should have moved that part up a little bit earlier, 'cause... You know what, um... What I'm trying to say is... I love being the person you bitch to. So how was your day, Mr. Architect?
Ted: Oh, I like the way you say that. Hey, you want to see the building that will make every man in Spokane feel inadequate?
Robin: Obviously. Wow.
Ted: Yes.
Robin: You know, you didn't mention all the foliage around the base. If you trim that back, the rest would look bigger.
Ted: You don't have to tell me. And, um... just for fun, I've... I've sort of been working on my own idea of what I think the building should be. What do you think?
Ted from 2030: You know that time we went to Spokane and I pointed out that skyscraper? That was the first building I ever designed. And that night was the first time I showed anyone my first drawing of it.
Robin: Wow. Ted, this is amazing.
Ted: Thanks. It's not like it will ever come to anything.
Robin: I don't know. It might come to something. You know, girls find architects very hot. (They kiss)
Ted: Okay, but I don't want you expecting 78 storeys or anything. (They kiss again)
Anna's apartment. Anna's reading the letter Barney left.Barney's voice: "Dear Resident... The time we spent together, however long it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again, but unfortunately, I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. I can't only materialize once every decade on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet... Resident. Perhaps we will meet again in another decade, provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond. Barney."
Anna: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x04 - Ted Mosby: Architect"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (from 2030): Your Uncle Barney was always a bit of an enigma. In all the years we lived in new york, none of us had ever set foot in his apartment. Until one day, one of us did.
In Barney's bed, Lily and Barney wake up.
Barney: Aaaaaaah!
Lily: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Ted (from 2030): It's a pretty good story. And believe it or not, alcohol did not play a role. It all started two weeks earlier at Lily's housewarming.
Lily's apartment.
Lily: Welcome to my new home.
Ted: Oh, wow, Lily, this is... Oh, this is all of it.
Lily: Yeah,I know it's small, but it's got character. Thank you. And I am learning Lithuanian from my neighbors. They're great. They're always out there in the hall, you know, cooking and gambling and giving each other haircuts. It's nice.
Ted: Hey,is that a toilet in your kitchen?
Robin: Or a stove in your bathroom?
Lily: Oh, that's not just a stove. That's a stovenkerator: a combination of a stove, oven and sink and refrigerator. Stovenkerator. Isn't that futuristic?
Ted: God,I hope not. Hey, cool murphy bed.
Lily: It's kind of a mess. I didn't make my bed this morning, so...
Robin: Oh! You know what? I bet sleeping at this angle is good for you. For some reason.
Ted: Hold on, I got it.
(A man's voice speaking Lithuanian is heard)
Lily: That was "something, something, I am going to something you like a something donkey.
Robin: Uh. Other cultures!
Lily: Hey, let's break out the fruit basket. Hey, who ate all the...? (Mouse squeaking) Aaaaaah!
CREDIT TITLES
At MacLaren's.
Ted: Okay, we have to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
Robin: I'd offer her my place, but I've got dogs and she's allergic.
Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's a little more allergic to that.
Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.
Barney: The fortress of barnitude? No way.
Robin: Come on. She's desperate.
Barney: Hmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but... pass.
Marshall (arriving): One of you guys is very, very lucky because I have... A boom! An extra ticket to the Alanis Morissette concert. Who's in?
Robin: Absolutely not.
Ted: No.
Marshall: Damn! I got these tickets like months ago for me and Lily and now I can't find anyone to go with me. This is what I miss about being in a couple. I always had someone to go to concerts with, or farmer's market, or brunch. God, I miss brunch!
Ted: Well, I guess you could - well, you could try going to brunch alone.
Marshall: Oh, you don't think I've tried?
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Table for one.
Head waiter: One... Couple?
Marshall: Um, no, just me.
Head waiter: Really? For brunch?
Marshall: You're right. Who am I kidding?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Oh, the Popover Pantry! That place is great. Can we go get brunch tomorrow?
Ted: Of course, sweetie.
Marshall: Can I go with you guys?
Ted: Really? For brunch?
Marshall: God, I hate being single!
At Barney's apartment.Barney (on the phone): Okay,I'll take the over on the Pittsburgh game. Oh and P. to the S., I never got my payout from Seattle from two weeks ago. Yeah. Don't make me call the gaming commission on you. I'm sure they'd be very interested to know what's going on over there. All right? All right? Okay, I love you too Mom. Take care. (He hangs up) Hello Lily. You've somehow managed to circumvent my security. How did you do it?
Lily: Ted gave me your spare key.
Ted: Spare key! Brilliant!
Lily: I'm sorry,but you know I'd only come here if I had no other choice. But earlier today, I was getting ready to go to sleep and...
[FLASHBACK. Lily tries to spread out her bed and the wall collapses]Lily (to her Lithuanian neighbor): Sveikas (=Hello)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: That's terrible. Well, see ya.
Lily: Wait, can I stay here maybe?
Barney: I'd let you, but I don't have any room.
Lily: You live in a two-bedroom apartment. You have one room just for your suits.
Barney: Hey I'm at a point in my life where my suits are my family. Look around you Lily. You are in the heart of bachelor country, and as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now,you can try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts 12 hours. 14 if you qualify for multiple entry.
Lily: Ewww!...Is something some lame, judgmental chick would say, but I say give me multiple high fives.
Barney: Wow, you really are desperate.
Lily: I really am.
Barney: Oh okay, you can stay here for two days. But I only have one rule. You can't change anything.
Lily: Why would I change anything? This place is... Perfect. Except for the fact that you don't have a TV.
Barney: See that wall? 300-inch flat-screen. They only sell them in Japan, but I know a guy. Had to ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong.
Lily: It hurts my eyes.
Barney: Yeah. That doesn't go away.
At the apartment, Marshall arrives.
Ted: Hey, where have you been?
Marshall: The Alanis Morissette concert.
Ted: By yourself?
Marshall: No,actually I went with a friend from law school.
Robin: Oh,really? Who's this friend?
Marshall: Brad.
[FLASHBACK. At MacLaren's]
Brad: Bro, Alanis Morissette rocks!
Marshall: Totally! I can't believe I almost didn't come tonight.
Brad: Let me guess: you bought the tickets for you and Lily right before she dumped you.
Marshall: Yeah, how'd you know?
Brad: I just got dumped myself.
Marshall: What? Kara broke up with you? I'm sorry,man. That sucks. Brad,do you like brunch?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: You invited him to brunch?
Marshall: Yeah, I invited him to brunch. Why? Is that weird?
Ted: Yes. That's why I was all "you invited him to brunch?"
Marshall: Why can't two guys who are friends go to brunch?
Ted: Because brunch is kind of...
Robin: Girly.
Marshall: Girly? Breakfast isn't girly. Lunch isn't girly. What makes brunch girly?
Ted: I don't know. There's nothing girly about a horse, nothing girly about a horn, but put them together and you get a unicorn.
Marshall: I don't care what either of you say, I am going to the Popover Pantry with Brad. We're here. We're hungry. Get used to it, brunch.
At Barney's apartment, Lily cooks breakfast.
Barney: Uhm, smells delicious.
Lily: Thank you. There was no food in the fridge, so I picked up... (Barney puts the breakfast in the trash) What are you doing?
Barney: Lily, what was the first rule again?
Lily: "Don't change anything"?
Barney: And what was the second rule?
Lily: There was no second rule.
Barney: Exactly! There was only one rule and you broke it.
Lily: I bought groceries. That counts as changing something?
Barney: Lily, if I wanted a fridge full of groceries or fresh coffee in the morning, I'd be in a relationship. But I don't want to be in a relationship. That's why I make it crystal-clear to every girl that walks through that door that this is not a place to leave a toothbrush. This is not a place to leave a contact lens case. This is a place to leave. Come on, 'll give you a tour. Uh, no flash photography please. Bienvenido to the bedroom. Dig this: King-sized bed, full-sized blanket, one pillow. Everything about this bed says "our work here is done." Next we say bienvenue to the bathroom. What, only one towel? What, no hairdryer? You know where I keep that stuff? Your place. b*at it. And the coup de grâce... Yeah, that's right. Patent-pending. And wilkommen to the hallway. While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their p*rn...
Lily: Marshall doesn't have p*rn.
Barney: Aww, that's sweet. While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their p*rn, I had mine professionally lit. Girls see this, they can't get out of here fast enough.
Lily: And if that doesn't drive them away, there's always your life-sized storm-trooper.
Barney: No,that's just awesome. So you see, whenever a girl wakes up here, I never have to tell her to go build her nest somewhere else. My apartment does it for me.
At Popover Pantry.
Marshall: God, I love brunch.
Brad: Oh, damn... The zucchini bread is ridonculous.
Marshall: This isn't weird, right?
Brad: I sort of thought it might be, but it totally isn't. Oh and btw, you totally did not oversell the eggs benny.
Marshall: Right? Right?
Brad: I mean, why can't two single bros go out and rock brunch Sunday morning-style?
Marshall: Exactly. Thank you, that's exactly what I've been saying.
Brad: This must be destiny.
Marshall: What are you talking about?
Brad: I have two tickets for Mamma Mia! friday night. You like Abba, right? What am I saying?Who doesn't? Anyway, I was gonna take Kara, but now it's all you and me. We're gonna do Broadway, bro style. What do you say?
Marshall: Yeah!
At Barney's apartment, a girl watches him sleep.
Barney: Hey. Did the cold wake you?
Girl: No,I've just been watching you sleep.
Barney: Oh,did you try and take a shower? I'm sorry, I only have one clean towel.
Girl: I don't buy into the myth that we need to shower every day.
Barney: Okay. I'd offer you some coffee, but I don't have any, so you're gonna have to...
Girl: I'm boycotting coffee. You may as well drink the tears of a colombian peasant farmer. God, I love this place. Good thing I don't have a job because I could stay here all day.
Barney: I think I left something on the bookshelf. Whoops. Oh, no, oh, look (he shows her his p*rn) Oh, I'm disgusting.
Girl: Wow, you're open about your sexuality and that's one of the reasons I love you. Did I just say that? Oh well. Cat's out of the bag. I love you.
Barney: Whoa, uh, okay. Beep beep. Backing up, um...
Lily (walking in): Barney... Oh!
Girl: Oh my god! Are you married? Is this your wife?
Barney: What? No. Yes!
Girl: Yes?
Barney: Yes.
Girl: You son of a bitch! I can't believe I let you enter my sacred temple.
Barney: Come on, baby. please, no. You don't understand. What have I done? This is the worst. How could you...? (The girl is gone. To Lily) You're not going anywhere. Live claritin clear. Wow, that was close. That hippie chick wouldn't leave. She was ready to squat here.
Lily: Well, she'd have to with your spring-loaded toilet seat, wouldn't she?
Barney: She was freakishly immune to everything in my apartment... Except you. You're better than p*rn.
Lily: Thank you.
Barney: How would you like to extend your stay here? All you'd have to do is pretend to be my wife, and scare off the occasional one-night stand. I know,I know. You've got your ethics. You've got your principles...
Lily: I'll do it.
Barney: Really?
Lily: Barney,you've clearly got some serious mother issues that have left you the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat. But, in my other apartment, I would be living with an actual scavenging sewer rat, so you win.
Barney: I'll take it.
At MacLaren's:
Ted: Mamma mia!?
Marshall: Mamma mia!. You know what? It's supposed to be a great musical, okay? It won all sorts of Tonies and stuff.
Ted: No, totally. It sounds like a really, really fun, exciting, third date.
Robin: Ooh, third date. You know what that means.
Marshall: It is not a date,okay. It's just two bros taking in a Broadway show.
Ted: You bros going to get dinner beforehand?
Marshall: We might grab a steak, yeah.
Ted: Where at?
Marshall: Café l'amour. (Ted and Robin laugh) Brad says the food is really good there, okay?
Robin: Sounds like Brad's got quite the night planned out. You better bring your "A" game. That means no granny panties.
Marshall: All right, you know what? You two are just thr*at because I'm a single guy moving in on your couples' stuff. Well, guess what? It's my territory now. I'm peeing all over brunches, fancy dinners and musicals. That's right. Brad and I are taking back Broadway.
Ted: What are you going to wear?
Marshall: I was thinking like this collared shirt and these pin... (Ted and Robin laugh) Oh, you know what? Shut up.
At Barney's apartment, Barney takes breakfast with a girl.
Barney: Can you pass the arts and leisure? (The girl does it. More loudly) Can you pass the arts and leisure?
Girl: I just did.
Lily (walking in): Honey, I'm... Barney, what the hell is going on here?
Barney: Lily, I can explain...
Lily: How could you? In our own home? (She slaps him) You bastard!
Girl: I'm so sorry. I-i didn't know he had...
Lily: Just get out. This is what I get after I worked as a stripper for four years to put you through medical school? I got breast implants for you. I... (The girl is gone) I was just about to turn on the tears.
Barney: Brava. That was incredible. And that slap was genius. You did not hold back.
Lily: Yeah, that I just always wanted to do.
Barney: Fair enough. I have to say, it's kind of nice having food around here for a change.
Lily: You know... Oh nah, never mind.
Barney: What? You're my wife. You can tell me anything.
Lily: Well,if you really wanted to sell this ruse, we should try to make this place a little more... You know, homey. Like... Like a woman would actually live here.
Barney: What did you have in mind?
(Barney and Lily redecorate the apartment, putting pillows on the couch, changing the living-room carpet, switching the storm-stooper for a plant, adding flowers on the kitchen counter and replacing the p*rn on the bookshelves by books)
At the apartment.
Ted: Hey,you're home. I didn't think we'd be seeing you until tomorrow morning.
Marshall: Ha,ha,ha,ha. It wasn't a date. Okay, it was a date and it got way weird.
[FLASHBACK. At café l'amour.]
Marshall: Oh, you really don't have to do that.
Brad: No, I insist. You're my guest.
Marshall: Thanks, Brad.
Brad: Bro. You got some chocolate on your chin. Still there. I'll get that bad boy. (He licks his serviette and cleans Marshall's chin)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Woah!
Robin: Well, it could have been worse. It could have fallen in your lap.
Marshall: It gets worse.
[FLASHBACK. At the restaurant, Brad helps Marshall with his coat.]
Marshall: No, I can do it, Brad. Okay,thank you.
Brad: So anyway,ah,it's this Saturday. Do you want to come?
Marshall: You want me to go to a wedding with you?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Okay, that's not too bad. Two single guys on the prowl. It'll be like "Wedding crashers".
Robin: Just keep Brad away from the bouquet.
Marshall: It gets worse.
[FLASHBACK]
Brad: It gets better.The foliage in Vermont this time of year is ridonc.
Marshall: Vermont?
Brad: Yeah,the wedding's at this awesome B&B. Kara and I used to go there. Anyway, there is one room left,and we got it. Walt Whitman Suite, bro.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: You said no, right?
Marshall: Of course.
[FLASHBACK]
Brad: I understand. It's cool. It's the first time I was going to see my college friends since Kara left me. I just... I just miss her so much. (Brad starts sobbing)
Marshall: I'll go to Vermont with you.
Brad: That's great! You know, uh, they're registered at Pottery Barn. I figure we could go halfsies on a gravy boat.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
(Ted and Robin laugh)
Ted: I'm sorry. It's not funny anymore.
Marshall: Damn you,brunch! This guy's crazy, right?
Ted: Look,I don't think he's crazy. I just think he's suffering from a severe case of girlfriend withdrawal. And unfortunately, you're his nicotine patch.
Robin: And now you have to do what every dysfunctional couple has to do: Break up.
Marshall: You're right. You're right. I promised brad I would go to the wedding with him,and then that is it.
Ted: Good man.
In Barney's bedroom, Lily and Barney put pillows on the bed.
Lily: Oh,I think we made the right decision going for the custom-made italian sheets.
Barney: Hey, if my bed's going suit up, it's going to do it right. Want to give it a whirl?
Lily (jumping on the bed): Oh. Ooooh!
Barney: All right, I'm going to head out, h*t the bars. What are you going to do tonight?
Lily: Oh, I was just going to watch "Letterman" but, God this bed is so comfy. I wish you had a TV in here. (Barney turns on a another wall-size TV) Okay, seriously, what do you do for a living?
Barney: Please. (He settles himself on the bed)
Lily: I thought you were going out.
Barney: Eh. After the monologue.
Ted (from 2030): The next morning, as the sun rose over Manhattan, your Uncle Marshall headed over to Brad's apartment to leave for the wedding in Vermont. But when he got there...
(Brad waits on the sidewalk, holding flowers)
Marshall: No. No... No. No! No! (On the phone) Ted. Um, Brad got me flowers.
Ted: Hold on. (To Robin) Brad got him flowers. (They laugh) I'm sorry. It just got funny again. (Marshall hangs up)
Brad: Oh, hey...
Marshall: No, Brad, uh, I don't want to hear it. I do like you. And calla lilies are my favorite flower. I don't know how you knew that. I guess you just get me, but this is not cool, man. I can't believe that you would...
(A girl arrives)
Girl: Hey,sweetie.
Brad: Hey. (They kiss and Brad give her the flowers)
Girl: Aww. Hey, Marshall.
Marshall: Hi, Kara. So you guys,are like back together now?
Brad: Yeah. Happened last night. Uh, I'm sorry, bro. I should have called you.
Marshall: Yeah, you should have.
Brad: Well, I didn't mean to hurt...
Marshall: Don't, Brad. Just don't. (He leaves)
Kara: Oh, what was with him?
Brad: I don't know. I think he's in love with me.
In Barney's bed, Barney and Lily wake up.
Barney: Aaaaaah!
Lily: Aaaaaaaaaaah!
Barney: I can't believe we just... You and I... What have we done?
Lily: Nothing. Nothing happened. We... We just went to sleep.
Barney: "Just went to sleep"? I don't sleep in the same bed as a woman and not make a move. How could... You! You spooned me against my will.
Lily: Hey,it takes two to cuddle.
Barney: We... We redecorated my place. We stayed in on a friday night to watch "Letterman", and then slept together and didn't have sex? Oh my God! We're in a relationship!
Lily: That's what you think a relationship is?
Barney: You were supposed to be the vaccine, but you gave me the disease. You gotta go.
Lily: Barney. I don't think you're mad at me. You're mad at yourself. You let down your guard, and let someone into your life, and... And it actually felt okay. And that terrifies you.
Barney: Uh-uh. You gotta go.
Lily: Hey, you can't just kick me out! I put a lot of work into this place, and I've grown accustomed to a certain standard of living.
Barney: "A certain standard of living"? You didn't pay a single...
Ted (from 2030): And so Mr. and Mrs. Stinson, after two weeks of marriage, decided to call it quits. Fortunately, they reached a settlement. And that's the story of how Aunt Lily furnished her apartment.
Ted (from 2030): Marshall ran into Brad again some time later.
Marshall: Oh my God, it's Brad. Laugh like I said something really funny. (Ted laughs)
Ted: That was great.
Marshall: Right? Right?
Brad: Hey, Marshall.
Marshall: Oh, hey, hey, how's it going?
Brad: It's good. (To ted) Hey, I'm uh...
Ted: Yeah, I know who you are.
Brad: Well,I got to go. I got this thing.
Marshall: Yeah, me too, but more important.
Brad: So, I guess I'll see you around.
Marshall: Sure. Sure. (Brad leaves) Even if you don't believe it, tell me he looks fat.
Ted: Totally looks fat.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x05 - World's Greatest Couple"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, when you reach your late twenty, you might be surpise to discover you still don't have life quite figured out. Like with aunt Lily. Even though she was back from San Francisco, she was still on a quest to find herself.
Robin's apartment.
Lily: It's just that all I've ever done is teach kindergarten. I want to get out there and change the world. I want to find my passion.
Ted from 2030: And she did find it.
Lily (coming in Robin's): I'm going to be a life coach.
Ted from 2030: In fact, she found it again and again.
Lily: I'm going to be a marine biologist... Slam poet... Beekeeper! Not a beekeeper.
Robin (on the phone): Her newest lifelong dream? Singing in a punk rock band.
Ted: What is she doing for money through all this?
Robin: Oh, she's been waiting tables at Big Wave Luau.
Ted: Wait, you mean that hawaiian place where they wear those embarrassing outfits?
Robin: No.
Big Wave Luau.
Marshall: Here she comes. Here she comes.
Lily: Welcome to big Wave Luau. Can I tiki your drink order? Aw, crap.
Robin: I'm sorry.
Barney: Oh, hi, Lily. We were just in the neighborhood, thought we'd get some lunch. We didn't even know you'd be here. (Marshall takes a photo of her).
Lily: What do you want?
Ted: I don't think that's how you're supposed to greet a customer at Big Wave Luau.
Lily: Aloha, island visitors. The big wave brought you to our humble luau. For that, we thank you. Or in my native tongue, mahalo.
Barney: I didn't catch your name. Did you guys catch her name?
Ted: No.
Lily: My name is Anuhea. It means cool and fragrant,much like any of our 12 specialty drinks.
Ted: Robin, nothing to add?
Robin: No. Lily is my friend and I'm not going to make fun of her for trying to follow her dreams.
Lily: Thank you.
Robin: Although, you might want to bring out the big hawaiian drum because I'm pretty sure today's my birthday.
CREDIT TITLES
MacLaren's.
Marshall: I've never need the beer more than I do right now.
Ted: I thought you said your semester was gonna be a piece of cake. I remember because you were eating a piece of cake at the time and you said, "dude, my semester is gonna be this."
Marshall: Yeah, well, it was supposed to be, but my professor's like the toughest grader I've ever seen. She had like a bad divorce this summer and now she's taking it out on us. To tell you the truth, I think she just needs to get laid.
Barney: Really? Laid, you say?
Marshall: You wouldn't be into her.She's, like, in her late 40s.
Barney: She hot?
Marshall: Yeah, I guess she's kind of hot, yeah.
Barney: And she's looking for some action. Sounds to me like she could be a cougar.
Robin: A what?
Barney: A cougar. An older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single and on the prowl for a younger man.
Ted: What's a woman in her 60s or 70s? A turtle?
Barney: Marshall, I've thought it over and I accept your challenge.
Marshall: I didn't challenge you to have sex with...
Barney: Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.
Lily (arriving): So, I quit my job. I just couldn't take it anymore. Approximately 50 times a day, some guy asks me for a lei...
Marshall: Classic.
Robin: Ted, didn't you tell me they need a new assistant in your office?
Ted: Yeah. Somebody did just quit.
[FLASHBACK. Ted's office]
Ted: So, where should we eat today? (looking at the assistant with a whole chicken in a container) Oh awesome, you brought lunch for everyone? (the girl leaves, crying)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Dude, that is cold-blooded.
Ted: It was an honest mistake. Look, when somebody opens up a container with an entire chicken in it, it's okay to assume they made lunch for everyone.
Robin: Ted, that girl didn't quit. You destroyed her.
Ted: It was an whole chicken. And did I mention she had 12 sides?
Barney: Oh, now you're gonna bash her figure. Real classy, Ted.
Ted: So, Lily, what do you say? Do you want the job?
Lily: What would I be doing?
Ted: Basically, you're sort of a general office assistant.
Ted's office.
Ted: You'll sit there. My station is right over here. And things are a little bit crazy right now 'cause we're pitching a new building to a big client.
Lily: Oh, right, is that the...?
Ted: Yeah. Here's the model.
Lily: You weren't kidding. It really does look like a giant penis.
Ted: I know. For whatever reason, Mr. Druthers just doesn't see it.
Lily: How can he not see it? I mean there's the...
Ted: I know.
Lily: And the way it...
Ted: I know.
Lily: And the two little...
Ted: I know.
Lily: It is just...
Mr Druthers (arriving): Spectacular? Why, thank you.
Ted: Lily, this is Mr. Druthers, the head architect on the project. Lily's going to be our new office assistant.
Mr Druthers: Ah.
Lily: Nice to meet you.
Mr Druthers: Isn't it? Ted, I looked at your design for the penthouse balcony. Tell me, do you want to be an architect?
Ted: I, uh... I am an architect.
Mr Druthers: Really? Well, my six-year-old nephew plays with legos. Is he an architect?
Ted: Well, not unless he somehow passed all his licensing exams.
Mr Druthers: Ted, you've got promise. But you have to study what I do more carefully. Now I want you to design some styrofoam trees for the building model. Think you can handle that?
Ted: Absolutely.
Mr Druthers: So you're going to design the...
Ted: Styrofoam trees.
Mr Druthers: Once again, with feeling.
Ted: Styrofoam trees.
Mr Druthers: Styrofoam trees!
Ted: Styrofoam trees!
Mr Druthers: That's the spirit. Now, gather 'round. This isn't just about trees, Ted. This is about life. And sometimes in life, you have to get the trees just right or you're fired, hmm? (He leaves)
Lily: Man, that guy is a total, well... (gestures to the building model)
Marshall's law school.
Marshall: Okay, wait, wait, wait. That's professor Lewis's office there.
Barney: Okay, let's take a look. Oh, yeah, it's a cougar all right. A prime specimen. See, you can identify a cougar by a few key characteristics. Start with the hair. The cougar keeps up with current hairstyles as a form of camouflage. The prey may not realize that he's engaged a cougar until he's already being dragged, helpless, back to her lair. Now, the blouse. The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible to captivate her prey. If you're watching them bounce, she's about to pounce. See the claws? Long and sharp, to ward off rival females... Or open alimony checks. Yeah, this one's a beaut. Okay, let the hunt begin.
Marshall: Wait, wait, wait.I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with you hunting my constitutional law professor.
Barney: Who do you rather have grading your papers: a savage, man-eating jungle cat, or a purring, satisfied kitty?
Marshall: Go, Barney. Go mount and stuff that cougar.
Barney (stepping into the office, speaking with an Italian accent): Scusi, I am Luigi, italian exchange student. I was, uh, walking to class, but then I noticed you... Bella principessa...
Pr Lewis: Tell me what you want or get out.
Barney: Direct. I like that. The name's Barney. What I want... is you.
Pr Lewis: Turn around. My place. Two hours. Don't be tardy.
MacLaren's.
Lily: I can't believe how Mr. Druthers treats people. And that building? Talk about overcompensating.
Ted: He's not usually this bad. It's just that the partners have made it very clear this project is make or break for us, so lately he's been a little testy. (The girls giggle) You know what I mean: crotchety. (Giggles) I'm just saying it's been hard on him. (More giggles). All right stop.
Robin: Did you show lily your design?
Ted: No.
Lily: What design?
Ted: It's nothing.
Robin: It's fantastic. Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design. And it doesn't look at all like male genitalia. At least, not healthy male genitalia.
Lily: Ted, you should pitch your building to Druthers.
Ted: Are you kidding? He's Hammond Druthers. He's a legend. I'm just part of his team. This building is huge for the firm, so it's really important we don't blow it. (Giggles) All right, enough!
Pr Lewis' apartment.
Barney: Oh, my god. Incredible.
Pr Lewis: Hmm... C minus.
Barney: C minus? What are you talking about? I just pulled an all-nighter!
Pr Lewis: You didn't budget your time well, you glossed over some of the most important points, and your oral presentation was sloppy and inconclusive.
Ted's office.
Lily: Mr. Druthers asked if you were making the trees or waiting for them to sprout on their own. Then he stared at me until I laughed.
Ted: Okay, I'm done.
Lily: Great. I'll put the paints away. You just go show him.
Ted: Great. Thanks.
Mr Druthers: Well, finally. I wondered whether you were making the trees or waiting for them to sprout on their own.
Ted: Good one, sir. Anyway, here they are.
Mr Druthers: Too green.
Ted: Too green?
Mr Druthers: Yes, the leaves should really be more of a natural brown color. Almost brunette. And think bushier. I want this tower to rise from a thicket of wild, ungroomed, brunette shrubbery. Can you picture it, Ted?
Ted: I can't un-picture it.
Mr Druthers: Good. Oh, my God! It's gone!
Ted: What? What's gone?
Mr Druthers: My baseball signed three times by Pete Rose.
Ted: Well, it's got to be around here somewhere.
Mr Druthers: What do you think, Ted, it just let itself out of its plastic case and rolled away? Somebody stole it.
Ted: Well, um, I better get back to these styrofoam trees.
Mr Druthers: Oh, who cares about the trees? It's just busy work to make you feel like you're contributing.
Ted: Inspiring as always, sir. Lily? Where's she put those paints? (Ted opens one of Lily's desk drawers and find the ball)
MacLaren's.
Lily: Hey.
Ted: Hey. Um, Lily, question for you. Why did I find Mr. Druthers' baseball signed three times by Pete Rose in your desk drawer?
Lily: That's easy. I took it.
Ted: Why?
Lily: It's simple.
[FLASHBACK]Mr Druthers: I can't believe there's no horseradish for the roast beef. I guess you were sick the day they taught that at sandwich university
Mr Druthers: Mother, no one from the nursing home is stealing from you. I didn't get you a birthday present.
Mr Druthers (to a kid): What? You gonna cry? Huh? Little crybaby's going to cry? Hey, everybody, look! The little crybaby's gonna cry! I lost my ice cream!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Okay, I may have exaggerated that last one, but the point is, he was mean. And that's why I took away his ball.
Ted: What does his ball have to do with anything?
Lily: Druthers has to be taught he can't behave like that. When I was teaching kindergarten,whenever a kid was mean, I would take away one of his toys. The kid would be upset at first,but then he'd learn to stop being mean.
Robin: Hey, guys. What's going on?
Ted: Lily stole my boss' baseball signed three times by Pete Rose.
Robin: Why? Was he being mean?
Ted: You know about this?
Robin: Yeah. It's her own personal form of justice. Did you tell him about that time at the Gap?
Lily: Oh, that was a good one. This sales guy was rude to Robin, so I took a pair of khakis.
Robin: I gave them to you for your birthday.
Ted: So I've been walking around in stolen khakis?
Lily: I prefer to call them "justice khakis."
Ted: That's not justice. It's shoplifting,and it's a crime.
Lily: So is being mean.
Ted: Lily, your little system doesn't even make sense. In kindergarten, the kid knew why he was being punished. Druthers just thinks someone stole his ball.
Lily: Well, that's why I left a note.
Ted: A note?
Lily: Yeah. When he finds it, he'll understand why his ball was taken away, he'll stop being mean, and the office will be a nicer place to work. Maybe he'll even be open to hearing your ideas.
Ted: Look, Lil, we're all tolerating this prolonged nervous breakdown you're clearly having, with the punk band and the beekeeping and the petty larceny, but this is my career you're messing with.
Lily: I'm not sure I like your tone. You know what? Now you just lost the ball.
At the apartment.
Marshall: I'd ask you how last night went, but we had a pop quiz today. Nobody got higher than a c-minus.
Barney: I know, I know.
Marshall: You claim to have so much sex. I only assumed you'd be good at it.
Barney: Look, I miscalculated. I thought she'd be old and fragile, like most cougars. But kitty's got claws. Don't worry though. Tonight, I'm seeing her again.
Marshall: Just let it go, man. You're making things worse.
Barney: I promise you, after tonight, that cougar will be my pet, and I its master.
Pr Lewis' apartment.
Barney: I think I'm falling in love with you.
Pr Lewis: Oh, God. That wasn't your first time, was it? Although that would explain a lot.
Barney: What? No.We had sex yesterday.
Pr Lewis: Oh, right. That. Well, you had sex yesterday. I revised my syllabus for the spring semester.
Ted's office.
Ted: When Druthers goes to get his bagel, I'll go in, grab the note, put the ball back. If something goes wrong, yell out, "who wants espresso?" So I'll know he's coming. Got it? Okay, now give me the ball.
Lily: No.
Ted: What do you mean, no?
Lily: I mean I stand by what I did, Ted.
Ted: Come on, Lily. We're running out of time.
Mr Druthers: Everybody get in here now!
Lily: "Who wants espresso?"
Mr Druthers: Now, as most of you know, my Pete Rose, Pete Rose, Pete Rose baseball has been stolen. Well, I just found this note.
"Dear mr. Druthers,I, your baseball, am leaving. Maybe, if you start being nice, I'll come back. If not, other things in your office may follow my lead. In fact, I overheard your iPod talking, and he may shuffle off at any minute." Normally, I would scream at everyone until my voice goes, but maybe that's the wrong reaction here.
Lily: Interesting.
Mr Druthers: Instead, I'm giving my baseball until the end of the day to decide he's homesick, or, tomorrow morning, I'll begin f*ring three people an hour. And, if the thief doesn't believe me, well, then you are gambling more than Pete Rose - major league baseball's all-time h*t leader, a man whose absence from the hall of fame is a travesty to the entire sports world - ever "allegedly" did!
Lily: Wow. Looks like bye-bye, iPod.
Ted: Give him his ball back right now. People are going to get fired.
Lily: No, they're not. It's just a tantrum, Ted. I saw this in kindergarten all the time.
Ted: This isn't kindergarten. Mr Druthers is an adult, and he wants his ball back.
Lily: All right, I'll give it back if you show him your plans.
Ted: No. You'll give it back or you're fired.
Lily: I'm sorry, Ted. I just can't do that.
Ted: Then you're fired.
Lily: Fine. Here's the ball. At least you have one now.
MacLaren's.
Marshall: Dude, you're k*lling me. You didn't tame the cougar. You just made her angrier.
Barney: Do you not see the powerbar in my hand? I'm fueling up.
Marshall: So you're going back over there?
Barney: Oh, yeah. And tonight, just like John Mellencamp, I am going to get rid of the "cougar" once and for all. Get it? 'Cause that's what he did with his name.
Pr Lewis' apartment.
Barney: I can't stop thinking about you. Please give me another chance.
Pr Lewis: Barney, I teach all day. It's the last thing I want to do when I get home.
Barney: But you don't understand. See, I've been going easy on you, holding back, 'cause I was afraid you'd break a hip or something. But, this time, no mercy.I don't care how long it takes days, weeks, half a year.
Pr Lewis: Fine.Come in. You can start while I finish grading some papers.
Ted's office.
Mr Druthers: Hurry up. Clients will be here any moment. Now, slide it closer to his chair. I want this thing to really smack him in the face.
Ted: Mr. Druthers, thank you again for understanding about Lily.
Mr Druthers: Oh. Well, I pity her. I mean, to steal from my office and then write that slanderous note... You might say that Lily was ment*lly deranged. You might say that, Ted.
Ted: Lily was ment*lly deranged.
Mr Druthers: You might even say it loud enough for everyone to hear.
Ted: Lily was ment*lly deranged!
Mr Druthers: Oh! That's a bit harsh, don't you think, Ted?
Man: The clients are here.
Mr Druthers: Excellent. Bring them in.
Ted from 2030: Our client was a major bank and financial services company in Spokane. They wanted a modern skyscraper that still captured the distinct flavor and history of the northwest.
Mr Druthers: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Spokane national bank building.
Client: That's a penis!
Mr Druthers: That's... that's ridiculous. There's no way this majestic tower can be confused with the male organ of love.
Client: We're not building a penis. You got any other ideas?
Mr Druthers: Other ideas? You said you wanted Hammond Druthers. This is Hammond Druthers.
Client: Well, hats off to your ladyfriends, but I'm not building it. We're done here.
Ted from 2030: The trajectory of my entire career might have been different had I not unwittingly worn my justice khakis that day.
Ted: Wait! We have one more idea for you.
Mr Druthers: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: I have another design.
Mr Druthers: Sit down, shut up right now.
Ted: No.
MacLaren's.
Robin: To Ted! The youngest person to ever design a building over 70 stories... Probably!
All: Probably!
Lily: Congrats, ted.
Ted: Hey, thanks for telling me to stand up to Druthers and pitch my idea. Seriously, none of this would have happened if it weren't for you.
Lily: Oh. You know what, Ted? That was very nice. You have earned these screws back. Don't sit in your desk chair until you've put them back in.
Ted: Hey, I'm project manager now, so, if you want your old job back...
Lily: No, thanks. I think I figured out what I want to be when I grow up.
Lily's kindergarten.
Lily: Casey, that's not how we treat people. You'll get this back when you learn to be nice.
Hospital.
Robin: Barney! Oh, my god!
Ted: What happened?
Pr Lewis: He broke his hip.
Barney: That's not true. It's just temporarily dislocated. Seriously, I'm fine.
Pr Lewis: No, he's not fine.
Marshall: Professor Lewis, hi.
Pr Lewis: Mr. Eriksen. Hello. I graded your paper tonight. I was pleasantly surprised.
Barney: Yeah, she was.
Pr Lewis: B plus.
Barney: B-plus?! Marshall, after I've gone through my eight weeks of physical therapy, I am going to get you that "A"!
Marshall: Let her go. She belongs out there in the wild. You should feel proud. You fought the cougar and lived.
Barney: It was an amazing safari. I can't wait to show you guys the slides!
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x06 - Aldrin Justice"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Coffee place.
Ted: So, I guess that decides it.
Marshall: Yup.
Barney: Hanging out at a coffee place is not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
Ted: Man, what's that?
Marshall: What?
Ted: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name. Somebody has a crush on you.
Barney: Somebody thinks you're me.
Marshall: Do you really think she likes me? I mean, I guess it's not that surprising. Every time I come in here, I totally crack her up.
[FLASHBACK. Three weeks ago.]
Coffee girl: Marshall, here's your pumpkin latte.
Marshall: Wow. How did you fit a pumpkin in this little cup?
(8 days ago)
Man: I'll have a pumpkin latte.
Marshall: How do they even fit a pumpkin in those little cups? What? You got a shrink ray back there? Yeah.
(The day before)
Marshall: Hey, remember that time I said that thing about how do they fit a pumpkin into that little cup?
Coffee girl: Which time?
Marshall: The first time.
Coffee girl: Yeah. That was really funny.
Marshall: Right?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: All right, there's only two reasons she'd laugh at that. One, it's the first joke she's ever heard, or two, she likes you. You should totally ask her out.
Marshall: You think?
Ted: Yeah, that's why you're not back with Lily, right? So you can experience what it's like to be single.
Marshall: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes it on all the cups?
Ted: Mine says "Ted," no heart.
Barney: Mine says... "Swarley." How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"? Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley." This would never happen at a bar! (He leaves)
Ted: Man! What's up with Swarley?
Marshall: I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset.
CREDIT TITLES
Robin's apartment, Robin is on the phone.
Ted: Hey, guess what? Oh, sorry.
Robin: It's only my mom. She's just rambling on like always. What happened?
Ted: Marshall asked out a girl.
Robin: Wow. (On the phone) Well, if anything, that's Dad's fault. That'll keep her going a while.
Ted: Oh, of course, you know, he had a little help.
Robin: Swarley hooked him up?
Ted: Oh, good. You got my text.
Robin: Yeah.
Ted: Oh. No, it was me. I gave Marshall one of my secrets.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: So, what she say?
Marshall: Nothing. I don't think she heard me. It's pretty busy up there.
Ted: What? You gave her the look right? Head down, eyes looking up, hands in pockets, shoulders up, head slightly tilted, conveying shy vulnerability.
Marshall: I think so. Look, can we just go?
Coffee guy: Pumpkin latte for Marshall.
Marshall: I didn't order that. Phone number.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: I love that look. I think I slept with you because of that look. And it's fake?
Ted: Oh, and you biting your lower lip, shyly looking away and thrusting your chest out is natural?
Robin: Yeah, I hear you.
Ted (to Lily arriving): Hey!
Lily: Hey, guys. Are you free tomorrow night? I was thinking of having a wine tasting slash "help me catch the rat in my apartment" party.
Ted: That's a great idea. You can put out cheese for both.
Lily: I should invite Marshall, right? It'd be weird if I didn't.
Ted: Yeah, I don't think he can go.
Lily: Really? Why not?
Robin: Uh, okay, um... Lily, we have to tell you something. Marshall has a date.
Lily: Oh. Well... good for him.
Ted: Really? You're okay with it?
Lily: Look, we've been broken up almost six months. I mean, I'm not thrilled about the idea, but he has every right to date someone else.
Robin: That's very mature.
Lily: Why are you holding the phone?
Robin: Oh, sh**t. (On the phone) That's hilarious, Mom. Didn't even notice.
MacLaren's.
Ted: Hey, dude, by the way, I really like that suit. Tell me about the fabric. Is it foreign or something?
Barney: Wow. It is foreign. I'm impressed, Ted. It's Moroccan, actually.
Ted: Whoa.
Carl: I got a call for Swarley. Is there a Swarley here?
Barney: You weren't interested in my suit at all, were you?
Carl: Swarley!
Ted (on his cell phone): Yeah, I know he's there. It's really important. Could you ask again?
Carl: Important call for Swarley!
Marshall (arriving): Geez, can't you hear him, Swarley? There's a call for you.
Barney: Stop calling me that.
Marshall: Uh... Hey, I'd like you guys to officially meet Chloe.
Ted: Hi.
Barney: Hi.
Chloe: Hi. It's nice to meet you guys. I'll be right back.
Marshall: It's right back there. Right? Right? She's hot! And she likes me? She likes Italian food. I also like Italian food. She likes Billy Joel. I also like... music. And I think we're going to go out again.
Barney: Dude, you gotta ditch her.
Ted: Obviously.
Marshall: Why?
Barney: She's got the crazy eyes.
Ted: Dude. The eyes. They're crazy.
Marshall: What are you guys talking about, the crazy eyes?
Barney: It's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupi.
Ted: No. Just pupils.
Barney: It's an indicator of future mental instability.
Marshall: She does not have the crazy eyes.
Ted: You just can't see it because you're afflicted with "haven't been laid in a while" blindness.
Barney: She was too far away in the coffee place, but when I saw her up close just now...
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Hey, I'd like you guys to officially meet Chloe.
Ted: Hi.
Barney: Hi.
Chloe: Hi. (With "crazy eyes") It's nice to meet you guys.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Guys, I'm not going to stop dating Chloe just because you think she has the crazy eyes.
Barney: You can keep going out with her, but you're gonna regret it. One time, I met a girl at this very bar. I saw that she had the crazy eyes... But I ignored it. And then, sure enough.
[FLASHBACK. Girl's bedroom]
Girl: Barney, can I ask you a question?
Barney: Anything.
Girl: Would you like to have a threesome?
Barney: Of course.
Girl: Great. It'll be you, me and Mr. Weasels.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: So, did you do it?
Barney: No. It ended up being just a twosome with the third one watching from a chair.
Ted: Which one were you?
Barney: I'd rather not say.
Ted: Look, there was a time I didn't believe in the crazy eyes either, and then I met Jeanine. She had serious crazy eyes. I told myself I was just imagining it, but then...
[FLASHBACK. In a street]
Ted: So, should we go get a drink?
Jeanine: As long as it's in your apartment. (A car slows down a little late while they are about to cross the street)
Driver: Whoa, I'm sorry.
Jeanine (taking a sledgehammer and striking the car): Watch! Where! You're! Going! (To Ted) So, where do you live?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: You guys, Chloe is not gonna do any of that stuff. She's a nice girl from Nebraska. She's not crazy. She's... she's awesome.
Ted from 2030: But you can't avoid the crazy eyes forever. Sooner or later, the crazy comes bubbling to the surface.
Marshall's school law.
Marshall (on the phone): Hello?
Chloe: Marshall, it's Chloe.
Marshall: Are you the one who's called me like nine times?
Chloe: Yeah. Could you come get me?
Marshall: I'm in the middle of taking a test.
Chloe: Please. I'm so scared.
Marshall: Well, what's going on?
Chloe: This weird midget guy started following me and he was screaming at me and he had a limp and a big hump on his back and the police didn't believe me and I almost got trampled by a horse and... God I must sound totally crazy to you right now.
Marshall: No. Pfft. Not at all.
MacLaren's.
Ted: So, she's needy crazy. That's one of the worst kinds.
Barney: I've had one of those. Makes up stories to get attention. Went out with her for three weeks, her dad died twice.
Marshall: Guys, she was really freaked out, okay? Maybe the story is true.
Barney: What in the world would make you believe that's a true story?
Marshall: She's really hot.
Barney: They always are.
Wendy: You all done with that, Ted?
Ted: Yeah.
Barney: Ned. I told you to call him Ned.
Ted: That's just sad.
Wendy: Sorry, Swarley.
The apartment.
Chloe: So, do just you and Ted live here or does Swarley live here, too?
Marshall: Nah. Swarley has his own place. (Noise) What was that?
Chloe: Oh, I, uh, dropped my keys.
Marshall: So, here you go. Two pumpkin beers. I was joking. They're regular beers. What is that? This picture is broken.
Chloe: Oh. That's too bad. Is that Lily? Is that the girl you were going to marry?
Marshall: Yeah. Is that what that sound was? Did you just smash this?
Chloe: No. Why would I do that?
Marshall: Let me look into your eyes.
Chloe: Okay. I had a really nice time tonight.
Marshall: Yeah, me, too. Stop blinking.
Chloe: I like your eyes a lot, too.
Lily (jumping from behing the couch between them): Stooooop! Hi. I'm Lily.
Lily: Stooooop!
Ted from 2030: Now, kids, I know Lily hiding in the apartment while Marshall was on a date with another girl seems pretty crazy, but when you hear her side of the story, well, it's still pretty crazy.
MacLaren's, 3 days earlier.
Robin: What's up Swarlz?
Barney: No. Okay? No. No more. I will not let this become a thing. It's over. No more Swarley. No Swarlz. No more Swar-lay. No more Swar... wait for it... ley. No more Bob Swarley, man. No more. No! It's over. Do you understand?
Robin: Yes.
Lily: Yes.
Barney: Thank you. (He leaves, a "call me Swarley" sign on his back)
Robin: Nice.
Lily: Why didn't you call me?
Robin: Was I supposed to call you?
Lily: Yes, about the whole Marshall-dating-another-girl thing.
Robin: You said you were fine with it.
Lily: Yeah, in front of Ted, but then I sh*t you a look.
Robin: What look?
Lily: This.
Robin: That doesn't seem like a look.
Lily: Yes it is. It means, "I'm upset call me later."
Robin: You should have pulled me aside and told me what the look meant.
Lily: If I pulled you aside, I wouldn't need the look.
Robin: Well, maybe if it was a more distinctive look...
Lily: Okay, the look isn't important. What's important is that I can't stand the idea of Marshall dating another woman. I mean, what if he falls in love with her?
Robin: Well, if it makes you feel any better, Ted says she has the crazy eyes.
Lily: What's that?
Robin: Apparently, a thing women have that guys can see and it tells them that the girl's crazy.
Lily: Oh, kind of like how you never want to date a guy with perfect fingernails?
Robin: Jerk nails. Exactly.
Lily: Well, did Ted say whether she was good-looking? I mean, 'cause if I knew she was ugly, then maybe I wouldn't be so freaked out.
Robin: Uh, he didn't say, but you can find out. I think her name is Chloe, she works at Cosa Coffee on 78th.
Carl: Phone call for Swarles Barkley?
Robin (taking the phone): Hey, Ted. No, he's not here. Good one, though, remember that one.
Coffee place.
Lily: Is, um, Chloe here?
Coffee guy: She just left. You can probably still catch her. She's easy to spot, she's got a pink umbrella.
Lily: Oh, thanks, Brian.
Coffee guy: My name is Scott.
Lily: Your tag says Brian.
Coffee guy: I know. Funny story. So, I wake up this morning, and...
Lily: Yeah, see you later, Brian. (Coming out, thinking) There she is. She doesn't look that great. She's not fat, but that doesn't mean anything. I know tons of skinny, ugly women. That's right, snotty girl in my yoga class, I'm talking to you. Come on, Chloe, turn around. Here we go. Turn around, Chloe. Come on, show me that hideous face. Damn it! Ooh, I know, I'll get ahead of her, then I'll cut back so I... (Hurting her leg) Aah! Oh, my God, that hurts! Turn around! Come on! Just turn around! Okay, this is ridiculous. (Out loud) Hey! (Thinking) Turn around! What's the matter with you? (Out loud) Hey, you! Turn around! Turn around, Chloe! (Chloe turns around)
MacLaren's.
Robin: She's hot? I'm so sorry.
Lily: No, it's fine. It just makes things easier. Now that I know she's a thr*at, all I have to do is keep Marshall from ever seeing her again. Okay, I have two plans, you can help me choose. Plan A) remember that time Marshall and I had sex in the bathroom? Oops, I got knocked up.
Robin: Lily.
Lily: Okay, plan B) is called "Chloe's Accident."
Robin: Just stop.
Lily: What?
Robin: Lily, you can't do any of those things. If you two are ever gonna get back together, you have to let him work out whatever this is.
Lily: I know. You're right.
Robin: Now, come on, Ted asked us to be upstairs at 6:00. Some surprise for Barney.
Lily: Barney?
Robin: Uh, Swarley.
The apartment.
Ted: Hey, guys.
Lily: Hey. Where's Marshall?
Ted: Oh, he's getting a haircut.
Lily: Oh. For his date. Good for him. Hope he has a good time tonight.
Barney: Relax, you've got nothing to worry about. The girl's crazy.
Lily: Thanks!
Barney: He'll just have wild monkey sex with her five times, max, and be done with her.
Lily: Thanks again.
(Ted turns on the stereo)
Barney: What are you doing?
Ted: I just wanted to listen to a little music, that's all.
Radio speaker: And this next one's going out to Swarley. All your friends know you miss Barney, but he's gone, and you got to accept that, baby. And, Swarley, you're gonna be a better woman for it. Here's "I Am Woman" by Helen Reddy.
Barney: Ha-ha! Now I'm a woman. I love it! You know, I was thinking about this whole new name thing last night, and you know what I realized? I like it.
Robin: You like being called Swarley?
Barney: Are you kidding? I want you to call me that.
Ted: Do you really think this is gonna work?
Barney: Do I think what's gonna work? I'm just saying, I love my new name, so please only call me that from now on.
Ted: Call you what?
Barney: You know, that-that-that new name that you've been calling me.
Ted: Say it.
Barney: Why? You guys know what it is.
Ted: Say the name.
Barney: No, I don't want to! I hate it! I hate it! It's not funny! It's never been funny! I've never done any... No! (He leaves)
Ted: Man, he is really gonna lose it when all the magazine subscriptions start coming in.
Robin: I signed him up for People in Espanol, but I addressed it to Swarlos.
Lily: Hey, where's the picture of Marshall and me at the pier? Didn't it used to be by that window?
Ted: Oh, yeah, he, uh, he sort of took it down when you left. Put it behind some books, I think.
Lily: Oh, well-well, maybe I should put it back up.
Ted: Why, so Chloe'll see it and get scared off?
Lily: No. So Marshall'll see it and feel guilty. Yeah, okay.
Ted from 2030: But she wasn't okay. Later that night, while Marshall was on his date, Lily came back.
(Lily takes the photo and puts it on the piano. She hears someone arriving and causes the picture to fall)
Chloe: ...anymore. Pretty impressive, huh?
Marshall: Wow, you really did memorize all the lyrics to "We Didn't Start the f*re." Can I, uh, can I get you a drink?
Chloe: I'd love a beer.
Marshall: You got it.
Ted from 2030: Lily did what any sensible woman would do. She hid under the desk. And she stayed there, listening to her ex-fiance on a date with another woman.
Chloe: I had a really nice time tonight.
Marshall: Yeah, me, too. Stop blinking.
Chloe: I like your eyes a lot, too.
Ted from 2030: Finally, much like Billy Joel, she couldn't take it anymore.
Lily: Stooooop! Hi. I'm Lily.
Marshall: Lily... Lily, what the hell are you doing?
Lily: I don't know. I... I don't know... what I'm doing. Oh, pumpkin beer, that was a good one. I'm just... I'm gonna go. I... I'm so sorry. Enjoy the rest of your date.
Chloe: She seems nice.
Out, building steps.
Marshall: Lily, what the hell...
Lily: I'm sorry. I only snuck up there because... When I saw how cute she was yesterday, I freaked out.
Marshall: Lily, you saw her yesterday?
Lily: Yeah, I... kind of chased her down the street.
Marshall: Wait, so you were the hunchback with the limp?
Lily: Yeah. And she didn't break the picture, I did.
Marshall: So Chloe's not crazy, she's... just a nice, normal girl.
Lily: Yeah, she is. And you deserve a nice, normal girl. So, why don't you just go back up there and finish your date.
Marshall: Yeah. Okay. Wait, if you were the hunchback, then why did she think you were a guy?
Lily: I-I might have used a voice that sounded like this.
Marshall: Why?
Lily: Because I didn't want her to know it was me, which I now realize doesn't make sense, because she hadn't even met me.
Marshall: You're crazy. You have... crazier eyes than anybody that I have ever met.
Lily: Shouldn't you be going back up...
Marshall: I mean, you're out of your mind. You're... just absolutely insane.
Lily: Shouldn't you be going back upstairs?
Marshall: I've missed you so much. (They kiss)
(In the street, arriving)
Ted: Okay, I ran it by the group, and we decided we're gonna give you a choice. We will agree to stop calling you Swarley, but instead, we'll call you Jennifer. Well?
Barney: I'm thinking. How about this? On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, you...
Ted (seeing Marshall and Lily together): Hey! Look at this.
Ted from 2030: So right there, in the exact same place that six months earlier I had walked up and found Marshall alone, crying over his breakup with Lily, I found him again. Only this time he wasn't alone, and he was happy. So we went to the bar to celebrate, and it was great. I was with Robin, Marshall and Lily were back together, and Barney had a cool new name. All was right with the world... Until we got back to the apartment.
The apartment. Everything is upside down.
Robin: Oh, my God.
Marshall: Hey, Chloe, I... guess I forgot I left you up here.
Chloe: I was gonna leave, but I can't find my keys.
Marshall: They're right there on the coffee table.
Chloe: Silly me. I must have looked everywhere else. Well... I'm just gonna go. Oh, I don't think we've met. I'm Chloe.
Robin: Robin.
Chloe: It's nice to meet you, Roland. I'll see you guys later.
Barney: Roland? Your name's Roland. That's funny, right? Rock and Roland. Warsaw is the capital of what? Roland. You're Monica Roland-ski. Hey, yeah, that's just how I Roland.
Ted: Nice try, Swarley.
Barney: Damn it.
MacLaren's. Barney arrives.
Everybody: Swarley!
Song, "Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. And they're always glad you came...
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x07 - Swarley"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
The apartment.
Ted from 2030: And so, after six months apart, Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall were finally back together.
Lily: Oh, my God. These pancakes are delicious!
Marshall: Yes! Thank you. Uhm, I learned how to cook while you were gone this summer.
Lily: Oh. Do you want to cook dinner tonight?
Marshall: Yeah, sure. How about pancakes?
Ted from 2030: And things were back to normal... Almost.
Lily: You may not have much range, but at least I'm marrying a guy who knows how to make pancakes.
Marshall: Oh, uhm...
Lily: I mean, uhm... Well, I... I realize that we haven't really discussed whether us getting back together means us getting married, but... I still wanna. Do you still wanna?
Marshall: Really?
Lily: Of course, I love you.
Marshall: No, I mean, that's how you're gonna do it? "Do you still wanna?" That's like the lamest proposal ever. When I did it, I got down on my knees... I don't know, I'm just saying.
Lily (getting down on one knee): Marshall Eriksen, will you ma...
Marshall: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Lily: What?!
Marshall: You can't lead with that. You got to... build up to that. You got to have, like, a little speech.
Lily: Do you remember your proposal to me? (She puts her hand on her eye)
Marshall: I had a speech prepared.
Lily: What do you want to hear?
Marshall: I don't know. I mean, you could tell me, like, about how good-looking and funny and smart I am and I've been working out lately. It might be nice for you to mention something about that.
Lily: Marshall... You are good-looking...
Marshall: Thank you.
Lily: Funny...
Marshall: Oh, thanks.
Lily: Smart...
Marshall: And a few tears wouldn't hurt.
Lily: Okay, would you freakin' marry me already?
Marshall: I'll marry you. Of course. But, uhm, until you see a ring on this finger, don't expect me to put out.
Lily: Yeah, right. (They kiss)
CREDIT TITLES
The apartment. Marshall and Lily straighten after they had sex on the kitchen floor.
Marshall: I'll give you this. That was a very creative use of syrup.
Lily: I can't even look Mrs. Butterworth in the eye. Oh, my God. We're getting married!
Marshall: I know, I know.
Ted from 2030: It was a moment of happiness, followed of course by a moment of total panic. See, when they called off their first wedding, Aunt Lily took off for San Francisco leaving Uncle Marshall with the unfortunate task of telling his entire family.
[FLASHBACK]Marshall (on the phone): Yeah, so now she's gone and the wedding's off. What do you call someone who just takes off and leaves like that? What do you call that? I think that that's a little strong. I can't even believe you would use a word like that. Geez, Grandma.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Man, I made a big mess by canceling this wedding, didn't I?
Marshall: It's okay, baby. You're not just realizing that now, are you?
Lily: God, the idea of standing up there in front of all those people who hate my guts... Just makes me want to run off to Atlantic City and get married today.
Marshall: Yeah...
Metro News One station.
Robin: Coming up at 11:00: Are there piranhas in the East River? What you don't know... could eat you.
Marshall: Robin! Stop the news!
Woman: What the hell?
Robin: It's okay. They're my friends.
Lily: We're going to Atlantic City to elope. You got to come with us.
Robin: Oh, my God, that is so fantastic! I don't know if I can just leave work.
Woman: It's okay, Mike can read the news tonight. (To the cameraman) Hey, Mike... You can read, right?
Mike: Yeah, I'm the best at reading.
Robin: Let's go to Atlantic City!
All: Yeah!
Ted's office.
Ted: You guys are eloping! Oh, that's fantastic. Wait, is this because there's a time crunch Uncle Ted should know about?
Lily: I hope not because I plan on getting hammered.
Ted: Guys, this sounds like so much fun, but I can't really take off work. I'm kind of important around here, you know? I'm the project manager.
Lily: Ted, for the rest of our lives, we are going to be telling the amazing story of how we went to Atlantic City and got married. Don't you want to be in that story?
Ted: Of course I do. Let's go to Atlantic City!
Marshall: Yeah!
Ted: Oh, but when we tell the story, can you leave out the part where I hesitate?
Marshall: You got it.
Pedicure's place.
Barney: Hey, guys.
Ted: Wow. A pedicure.
Barney: Uh, if there were any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would have been a feature about it in Details magazine.
Lily: We're going to Atlantic City to elope right now!
Barney: Oh, congratulations, Lily. Marshall, you're getting married? What the hell?
Marshall: So are you in or not?
Barney: Hell, yeah, I'm in! Just... I'm almost done.
Marshall: No, we got to get going to the...
Lily: Well, actually, I mean... It is my wedding day, and since we're here...
Ted from 2030: So we all got a pedicure and then headed down... to Atlantic City.
A casino in Atlantic City.
Lily: Wow. Look at this place. I guess I'll have my pick of something old.
Marshall: And something blue. Somebody should really check on this lady.
Barney: Ah, A.C., always in decline, never hitting bottom. It's good to be back, old friend.
Ted: You been here before?
Barney: Oh, uh, once or twice.
Chinese 1: Barney!
Barney: Ah, good to see you, too. Three times, maybe.
Lily: The wedding chapel... This is it. Are you ready to do this?
Marshall: I'm ready. Let's get married.
Barney, Ted and Robin: Yeah.
Lily: Oh, crap. I don't have a veil. I'm a bride, I can't get married without a veil. And a bouquet. I need a veil and a bouquet. Oh, my God, we're getting married.
Robin: Don't worry. Relax. We'll get you a veil, honey.
Lily: Oh, Robin, that's a really cute outfit.
Robin: Oh, really? Thanks.
Lily: Yeah, it has to go. I'm the bride, you can't look better than me.
Robin: Done. (She leaves)
Lily: I'm going to get the bouquet. You guys get the veil. We'll meet in the chapel in 20 minutes. Ready? Break. (She leaves)
Ted: You guys want to go gamble?
Marshall: No, we got to go get the veil.
Ted: Or we looked everywhere, and we couldn't find one.
Marshall: Yeah, okay.
Barney: No, you guys go ahead. I'm going to find the veil. (He leaves)
Ted: So this is it, right? The last 20 minutes of your single life. I'm proud of you, buddy.
Marshall: Thanks.
Ted: How are you feeling?
Marshall: Great, a little nervous.
Ted: Yeah? Craps?
Marshall: Not that nervous.
Ted: No, I mean do you want to play craps.
Marshall: Oh, yeah, definitely.
Barney: Okay, I got the veil. She wasn't ready to be married. All right, let's talk bachelor party. Are we thinking full-on strip club, or should we rent a room and have a private toy show?
Ted: What did you just say?
Marshall: Barney, no.
Barney: Marshall, I'm your best man.
Marshall: You're not my best man.
Ted: Right here.
Barney: And as your best man, I have to throw you a bachelor party. That's part of being a best friend.
Marshall: You're not my best friend.
Ted: Right here.
Marshall: Barney, I don't have any time for a bachelor party. I've got, like, 18 minutes.
Ted: 18 minutes...
18 minutes later.
Lily: Oh, good. Did you get the veil?
Barney: Of course.
Marshall: And it took us exactly 18 minutes. We went to a strip club.
Ted: Dude!
Barney: Unbelievable!
Marshall: We weren't there for very long. It's not like I had time to have a lap dance or anything. I got a lap dance.
Lily: Your last lap dance ever.
Marshall: Right. What?
Robin (arriving, wearing a "shirt boobs"): Okay, I'm here. Right?
Ted: Oh, God, the things people waste money on in Atlantic City.
Robin: Does it smell like strippers in here?
Ted: That's weird, right? Marshall and Lily are getting married!
Lily: Hell, yeah, look at this. (She turns on her musical bouquet, playing the Wedding March)
Marshall: Oh, baby, this is it. Let's do this thing.
Lily: Hi. We're here to get married.
Woman: Congratulations. We offer a variety of packages to give you the special day you've always dreamed about.
Marshall: We don't want any of that. Just your basic quickie wedding will be fine.
Woman: Yeah. You know this isn't Vegas, right?
Robin: Well, sure. In Vegas, the casinos pump in oxygen. Here, it looks like everyone brought their own.
Ted (looking at Robin's shirt): What?
Woman: It also takes three days to get a marriage license in New Jersey. The earliest I could book you for is Monday.
Lily: No, no, no, it has to be today. That's the whole point.
Woman: Look, I don't know what to say, but if you guys don't want to book a wedding for Monday or play a round of keno, I can't help you. Thirty-five.
Ted: Wait, I don't understand, people get married in Atlantic City all the time.
Woman: Yes, they do, but they don't elope. They choose Atlantic City for its white sand beaches, world-class amenities, and exotic Riviera feel.
Lily: Have you been outside?
Ted: There is half an orca whale rotting not 20 feet from the cabana.
Marshall: You guys, take it easy, guys. Are you sure about this?
Woman: About the marriage laws of the state where I work in a wedding chapel? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Barney: Bright side: the bachelor party continues!
Ted: Yes! Continues? You mean "start." He means "start." We went to a strip club.
Woman: Twenty-seven.
Lily: Is there any way that we could get a license today?
Woman: You could go to the courthouse. In some extreme circumstances, the waiting period can be waived, but you have to have a good reason.
Lily: Well, we're in love.
Marshall: What better reason could there be?
Woman: The last one I heard was, "I'm going to Iraq tomorrow to defend my country," but, you know, give yours a whirl.
Ted from 2030: So we went to the courthouse.
Courthouse.
Marshall: God, this is taking forever.
Robin (to Ted): Can't believe they're getting married.
Ted: I know. I am so proud of these two. After all they've been through. In fact, that crazy road has led them all the way here to Atlantic City...
Robin: Ted, up here.
Ted: Uhm?
Robin: You were just staring at my shirt boobs.
Ted: No! I wasn't. I was checking out the hot body underneath the shirt. Okay, look, maybe I was looking at your shirt, but it's a, it's a funny, funny shirt.
Chinese 2: Hey, it's Barney! Barney!
Barney: Hi.
Chinese 2: (speaks Chinese language)...suit up! (both speak Chinese language) Legen-...-dary!
Barney: See you.
Ted: What the hell was that?
Barney: A... Chinese guy?
Marshall: Hi. Hello. Uh, we need a marriage license, but we need to skip the waiting period because... We're in love.
Woman 2: Aw. I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now.
Lily: Oh, really?!
Woman 2: Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period, but unfortunately, only a judge can do that.
Lily: Oh. Well, so can we see a judge?
Woman 2: Absolutely.
Lily: Really?!
Woman 2: Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.
Marshall: Why are you doing this to us?!
Woman 2: 'Cause you're on Candid Camera!
Robin: Really?!
Woman 2: Is what I would say...
Marshall: You know what? We get it.
In a corridor, on a bench.
Lily: Okay, this is a good plan B. Judges are people. People go to the bathroom. A judge is bound to come by eventually, and we'll get married. I'm sure we won't be waiting long.
(Image fading in old people on the bench)
Marshall: Geez, you go to a vending machine for 30 seconds.
Barney: Vultures.
Ted (to Robin): Psst. (They move away)
Robin: What? Here?
Ted: Yeah. Got a little time to k*ll.
Robin: Oh, my God, it's the T-shirt, isn't it?
Ted: No. A little.
Robin: Something is seriously wrong with you.
Ted: So what, is that a no?
Robin: All right, let's do it.
Ted: All right. Um, also...?
Robin: Yes, I'll leave it on.
Ted: Sweet.
Barney: Guys, let's bail. This is never gonna happen.
Lily: Look, I know this is turning into a bit of a disaster, but believe me, it's better than the alternative.
Barney: You throwing a big, free party with lots of booze and food and all your single, desperate girlfriends from college? Yeah, glad we dodged that b*llet.
Lily: Judge! Judge, come on. Come on, come on, come on!
Judge's office. Lily turns on her musical bouquet.
Judge: Turn it off.
Lily: Okay. May we please get married today?
Judge: Now, normally I would say no to a request like that, but you two impress me. Just the fact that you've been together for ten years, standing by each other's side through thick and thin, never wavering. What was that?
Lily: What was what?
Judge: That little look. What was that?
Marshall: A look of love.
Judge: You two have stood together through thick and thin, right?
Marshall: You know, what's thick? what's thin?
Lily: Yeah, I mean, all... yeah.
Marshall: I have.
Judge: All right, what was that look? What's going on?
Barney: They broke up over the summer. Lily totally ran off to San Francisco and these two just had sex in the closet. What? We're under oath.
Ted: No, we're not.
Barney: Yeah, we are. He's a judge.
Ted: Wh-- Did we take an oath? Do you even know what an oath is?
Barney: Uh, yeah. Courthouse. Oath. We're under it.
Casino.
Marshall: Guys. It's looking like this isn't gonna happen.
Lily: No, Marshall, we are gonna get married today.
Marshall: Baby, anyplace we go, we're gonna need a marriage license.
Lily: Except international waters. So let's find a ship captain. A ship captain can marry us. There's boats all over this place.
Ted: Oh, is that what those wooden things are floating between the garbage?
Lily: This is a great idea. This is gonna work. Let's go. (To a woman) Excuse me. Are you a ship captain?
Woman: This is my machine.
Marshall: I should go talk to her.
Robin: No, let me.
Ted: Blackjack?
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: Well, I found a guy who said he'd be willing to put his boat in my slip, so we're getting closer.
Robin: Okay, Lil, why is it so important to do this today?
Lily: Because... If we don't do it today, I just know we're gonna wind up having a huge wedding with a huge crowd full of huge Midwestern people looking all disapproving and judging me while sipping little cups of mayonnaise and cracking runaway bride jokes all night long.
Robin: Nobody's gonna do that.
Lily: No, they're not because I'm not gonna give them the chance. I'm gonna find a ship captain and we're gonna be married tonight.
Robin: Sweetie, this is crazy. You're never gonna find a ship capt...
Marshall: Hey, Lily. Found a ship captain.
Lily: What?
Ted: Yeah. First guy we talked to. Ship captain. How great is that?
Lily: See? See, this is destiny. So, captain, can you take us out to international waters and marry us?
Captain: I sure can. If there's two things I love, it's bringing people together in marriage and making $5,000.
Marshall: What?
Lily: Deal. $5,000, okay, we can do that. Come on, everybody. Fork over your cash. Don't think. Just do it.
Barney: I can get us that money.
Ted: How?
Barney: Have you noticed that all day today Chinese guys have been coming up and saying hi to me?
Ted: Yes. Have you noticed I haven't asked about it because I'm too scared of the answer?
Barney: Well, those are my old gambling buddies. Truth is... I used to come here all the time. Play an old Chinese game called "Shing Hasabu Shing". Had a small gambling problem. Actually, it wasn't so small. I kind of lost my entire life's savings. But tonight, I don't know, I'm feeling hot. I think I can win us that money.
Robin: No, we're not letting you gamble all our money away.
Barney: Uh, it's not gambling if you absolutely know you're going to win. I'll get us that money. I swear it, nay... I oath it.
Ted from 2030: Now, I had been to a lot of casinos before that night, and I've been to a lot of casinos since, but in all that time I've never seen a game quite like this one. To this day, I have no idea how it was played. But luckily, Barney did.
Lily: Do you understand what's happening?
Ted: Not a clue.
Robin: Do you think he's winning?
Ted: I don't even know if he's playing.
Marshall: Wait, I get it. I understand this game.
Ted: No, you don't.
Marshall: I totally understand the game, Theodore. Barney, split your tiles. You can triple your money if you find the jellybean.
Barney: Marshall, please. Don't you think I know what I'm... My God, you're right.
On the ship.
Lily: Wow. It's beautiful.
Marshall: Thanks, Barney.
Barney: Did you guys see me? I was on f*re tonight. Man, I can't wait to get back to the shore. God, I love gambling!
Ted: When we get home, we're gonna go to a little meeting. Okay?
Barney: Why can't I do it just a little?
Lily: Okay. Let's get this started.
Captain: Okay, uh... You guys want the serious one or the funny one?
Oh, I think. Serious would be best.
Captain: You sure? I got a lot of great nautical jokes in there. Like how you two float each other's boat, stuff like that.
Marshall: Yeah, serious is probably good.
Captain: "We stand witness today to celebrate the union of Lily and Marshall. Today, you two will become one, sharing your lives, the happiness, the sadness, the frustrations and the joy..."
Ted: This is pretty cool. I can't believe you never want to get married.
Robin: I never said "never."
Captain: "...to declare your love and devotion to each other in front of friends and family, all the people who matter most to you." What was that?
Marshall: What was what?
Captain: That little look. You two just shared a look.
Lily: We don't want to do this.
Marshall: We don't.
Ted: Are you kidding me? You guys are calling off another wedding?
Robin: After I spent all this money on a bridesmaid shirt?
Barney: Did I bet someone that they'd call it off? I did, didn't I? Who'd I bet?
Ted: You actually expect any of us are gonna come to your third wedding?
Lily: Yes. Because it's gonna be amazing. Look, before I was afraid to face Marshall's family and I didn't want to do all that work, but... Now that we're here... I realize that I have to face Marshall's family and I really want to do all that work.
Marshall: So do I. And yeah... My family might still be upset with you. But when they see us up there, they're gonna see how much we love each other and none of that other stuff is gonna matter.
Lily: I love you, Marshmallow.
Marshall: I love you, too, Lilypad.
Captain: I now pronounce you man and wife.
Lily: What?!
Captain: Is that not right?
Marshall: Are... we married? Did you just marry us? Weren't you listening? We don't want to be married.
Captain: Uh... I-I suppose I could unpronounce you.
Both Marshall and Lily: Unpronounce us! Unpronounce us!
Captain: All right, I unpronounce you man and wife.
Lily: Oh, whew... That was close.
Ted from 2030: And that's the story of how Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily got married for 12 seconds somewhere off the coast of Atlantic City.
The apartment.
Ted (wearing Robin's shirt boobs): Hey, guys.
Marshall: Hey... Ted.
Lily: Is Robin here?
Marshall: Man, I hope so.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x08 - Atlantic City"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
INT. KITCHEN
(Robin cooking, Ted walks in)
Future Ted VO:...learn about relationships is that you're never done getting to know someone.
Everyone has secrets. Some are nice.
Ted: You know how to make crepes? That is so cool.
(Ted and Robin kiss)
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Robin and Ted sitting in his bed)
Future Ted VO: Some aren't as nice.
Robin: And then there was Derek and counting you, that puts the total up to...
Ted: Oh, I got your total...counting along...
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Robin, Ted, Marshall and Lily sitting at booth)
Future Ted VO: And some are just weird.
Ted: You're scared of the Seven Dwarfs?
Robin: Just Doc. He's creepy. I mean, the guy went to medical school. What's he doing living with six coal miners?
(Barney runs in)
Barney: Oh, man, I'm so excited. I couldn't sleep last night. I bet you guys couldn't either.
Robin: Why?
Barney: Ah, only the gala event for the grand opening of Sharper Image's 500th store. Didn't you get my email?
Robin: No, I blocked your address after the fourth time you sent me the video of the monkey sniffing his own butt.
Barney: Come on, it's on me! I'm buying three of you foot massagers and one of you a nose hair trimmer. You know who you are.
(Marshall looks at Lily then looks down, Lily strokes his shoulder)
Barney: Come on, let's go.
Robin: All right, I'm in.
(Robin, Ted, Marshall and Lily get up to leave)
Barney: To the Willowbrook Mall!
Ted, Marshall: To the Willowbrook Mall!
Robin: Oh, it's at a mall? I'm not going.
Ted: What? Why not?
Robin: I just don't feel like going to a mall.
Lily: We can split a cinnabun.
Robin: No, I'm really not gonna go.
Ted: Come on, it'll be fun.
Robin: No, I don't go to malls! Sorry, I just don't like malls.
Barney: Why not?
Robin: I'd rather not say.
(Barney, Lily, Marshall walk closer to Robin and talk over each other)
Ted: Guys, guys, guys, Robin doesn't like malls. If she doesn't want to tell us why, she doesn't have to. I think we should all just respect her privacy.
Robin: Thanks Ted.
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Ted and Robin lie in bed together)
Ted: So, what's the deal with you and malls?
Robin: You said if I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't have to.
Ted: Yeah, with those people. I'm your boyfriend. Come on, what is it? Did you get arrested in a mall?
Robin: No.
Ted: Dumped in a mall?
Robin: Ted.
Ted: Found out you were Canadian at a mall?
Robin: Let it go.
Ted: Trapped under a fake boulder at the mall? Robin: Let it go.
Ted: Mauled at the mall?
Robin: Let it go. And who gets trapped under a fake boulder at the mall? Ted: Not me in Ohio when I was nine, that's for sure.
OPENING CREDITS
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Lily, Marshall, Ted and Barney sit around booth)
Ted: What, I don't get it, why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?
Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal 'oh' moment.
Marshall: The 'oh' moment?
Barney: Yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal breaker.
(flashback to Barney talking to a girl at the bar)
Girl #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.
Barney: Oh.
(Barney moves to leave)
(flashback of Barney talking to a different girl at a table in the bar)
Girl #2: I don't have an eating disorder. It's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out.
Barney: Oh.
(Barney gets up to leave)
(flashback of Barney talking to another girl by the jukebox)
Girl #3: I just turned 30.
Barney: Oh.
(Barney turns around a walks away)
(back to present scene)
Barney: So, trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible.
Ted: I disagree. If there's some potential 'oh' moment, I want to know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?
(flash forward to Ted and Robin marriage scenario)
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife.
(Ted lifts Robin's veil)
Ted: I love you.
Robin: I used to be a dude.
(back to present scene)
Lily: Yeah, I agree with Ted. In a real relationship, you share everything. That's why Marshall and I don't keep any secrets.
Barney: You are such a cutie pie. Here's a quarter, go play something on the jukebox.
Ted: It's true. They tell each other everything.
Barney: I can think of tons of things there's no way Marshall told you
Lily: Try me.
Barney: Do you know about the time the Marshall was in Trenton?
Lily: Doggie ate his pants. Yep.
Barney: Bill's bachelor party in Memphis.
Lily: Oh, when they had to pump out all the nickels from his stomach?
Barney: OK, Seattle.
Lily: Trick question, Marshall's never been to the Pacific Northwest because he's afraid of Sasquatch.
Barney: Damn.
Marshall: I'm not afraid of Sasquatch. I just think we should all be on alert.
Ted: Trust me, not only do they tell each other everything. They want to know everything.
(flashback of Marshall and Lily sitting at table talking while Ted sits on couch watching TV in their apartment)
Marshall: So, after the shower, I was brushing my teeth, and I was like, oh man, I wanted to have some orange juice, I should have done that first, but I already had the toothpaste on the toothbrush so I just went ahead and brushed them anyway.
Lily: What happened next?
(Ted rolls his eyes)
(back to present scene) Ted: Yeah, meanwhile, Robin tells me nothing.
Barney: Fine, do you want to know what Robin's secret is?
Ted: You know?
Barney: Of course I know. She couldn't look at us. Her face got flushed. That's shame. Our friend, Robin, used to do p*rn, wait for it, ography.
Ted: Yeah, we didn't really have to wait for that. And it's ridiculous.
Lily: I don't know, he could be right. She does have the fake orgasm noises down.
Ted: Hey.
Lily: What? The walls are thin.
Ted: That's not what I'm hey-ing you about.
Marshall: You know what it might be. This is gonna sound a little crazy but what if robin's married?
Ted: Married? What does have to do with the mall?
Marshall: Well, maybe she got married at the mall. Back home in Minnesota a ton of people would get married at the Mall of America, it's great. It's a gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures. Numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable price...
Lily: We're not getting married at the mall.
Marshall: Just meet with the guy.
Ted: She's not married. Robin hates marriage.
Marshall: Because she already got married, at the mall.
Lily: No, because before Robin moved to New York, she...What was she doing?
Ted: Well, I don't know, whenever I ask her about Canada, she kinda clams up.
Marshall: She's a pretty private person.
Lily: Except when she's talking about...
(flashback to Robin and Lily talking at bar)
Robin: A friend of mine in Canada got married way too young and it really turned her off to marriage.
(flashback to Lily and Robin on couch looking at wedding magazines, Marshall sits behind them in his desk studying)
Lily: What do you think of this wedding cake?
Robin: Oh, I like it. Hey, you remember that friend of mine in Canada who got married too young? Her wedding cake was a Mrs. Field's giant cookie.
(Marshall looks up and smiles widely, Lily looks at him and shakes her head)
Lily: No.
(Marshall stops smiling and resumes his studying)
(flashback to Barney, Lily, Marshall, Ted and Robin sitting around booth at MacLaren's)
Robin: My friend in Canada who got married way too young, they had to do their vows twice, once in French.
Barney: They speak French there too? God! That place is a mess.
(back to present scene)
Ted: So, you don't think there's any friend from Canada?
Marshall: Oh, I'm sure there is. Just like I have a friend who wet his bed till he was ten. Use your brain, Ted.
Barney: Guys, there's not way Robin's married. It's ludicrous to even suggest it.
Ted: Thank you Barney.
Barney: 'Cause it's p*rn.
Ted: I need another beer.
(Ted gets up and leaves booth)
Marshall: Robin is not in p*rn. I'll bet you anything that she's married.
Barney: 20,000 says it's p*rn.
Marshall: I don't have 20,000.
Barney: Well then, what do you have?
Marshall: Well.
(Marshall looks at Lily)
Lily: No.
Barney: I got it. The ultimate wager. Slap bet.
Ted: Oh, slap bet. We used to do those when I was a kid.
Lily: What the hell's a slap bet?
Marshall: Whoever's right gets to slap the other person in the face as hard as they possibly can, but no rings.
Lily: Are you really gonna do that? That's so immature. Marshall: You can be Slap Bet Commissioner.
Lily: Oh, I love it. What are my powers?
Marshall: Um, if a problem arises and we need a ruling, that's your job. Barney: But you have to be unbiased and put the integrity of slap bet above all else. This is an honor you will take with you to your grave. On your tombstone, it will read "Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, Slap Bet Commissioner."
Marshall: And your tombstone will read, "got slapped by Marshall so hard, he died."
(Ted comes back and sits down at booth)
Ted: All right, what if I ask Robin point-blank if she has a husband?
Lily: You said you would respect her privacy so maybe you should just drop it.
Ted: Yeah, you're right.
INT. APARTMENT
(Robin and Ted sit on ground around table playing Scrabble, Ted plays a word)
Ted: Husband.
Robin: There's no 'p' in husband.
Ted: Wow, you seem to know a lot about husbands.
(Robin looks at Ted)
Ted: Fine, I'll take it back.
(Ted takes back his tiles)
Ted: Oh, hey, since you mentioned husbands, this is great, you're gonna love this. Marshall, you know Marshall. He thinks that the reason you didn't wanna go to the mall the other day is because you got married in a mall and have a husband in Canada.
Robin: Huh.
Ted: I told him he's crazy because he's crazy, right? I mean, how crazy is that?
Robin: Are you asking me if I'm married? Ted: You can ask me. Nope, I'm not married. Your turn.
Robin: What happened to respecting my privacy? Ted: Just say, "no, I'm not married."
Robin: Ted, I don't understand why you can't...
Ted: Just say, "no, I'm not married."
Robin: I can't. Marshall's right. I was young and I got married. It was a mistake and he moved away, but, yeah, I'm married.
Ted: Oh.
(return from commercial break)
Ted: You have a husband? Robin: I was young and stupid and we got married at a mall and we broke up at a mall and I haven't been to a mall since.
Ted: Why didn't you get divorced?
Robin: He moved to Hong Kong for work and I was like, good enough.
Ted: Good... good enough. That's not good enough. You order pancakes and you get waffles, that's good enough.
Robin: I haven't seen him in years. It's just a part of my life I wanna forget. Just please don't tell anyone about this.
Ted: OK.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Marshall slaps Barney)
Barney: Your hand is monstrous.
Marshall: Well, what did you expect? You've seen my penis.
(Lily, Marshall, Ted and Barney sit down at booth)
Lily: I can't believe you told us Robin's secret.
Ted: How can I keep something like that to myself? And you begged me to tell you.
Lily: No I didn't.
(flashback to '30 seconds earlier')
Lily: Please tell us, just tell us. I'm begging you. Tell us, tell us, tell us, please, please, please, please, please.
Ted: Fine, Robin's married.
Marshall: Ha ha ha.
(Marshall slaps Barney)
(back to present scene)
Lily: Yeah, well, you still shouldn't have told us. I mean, what kind of boyfriend are you?
Ted: See, that's just it. I'm not the boyfriend, I'm the mistress. No, not the mistress. The mastress. Master. What do you call it?
Barney: I'm pretty sure we're gonna call is mistress.
Ted: What am I gonna do? My girlfriend's married. Do I ask her to get a divorce?
Lily: Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. It's like their money or their army. Nobody takes it seriously.
Ted: It's serious to me.
Marshall: You know what, in some countries, if you've been separated for longer than five years, technicall, you're no longer married. I can check it out at the law library at school.
(Marshall laughs)
Marshall: I can see my hand print on your face.
Barney: Don't get too cocky, Slappy. I just got a shipment of p*rn from Canada I have to go through.
Marshall: I won the bet. Why are you still searching?
Barney: Just because you were right doesn't mean I'm wrong.
Lily: Oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch p*rn.
Barney: Canadian p*rn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go "oat" of my mind.
INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall enters through front door, Ted working at his drafting table)
Ted: Hey.
Marshall: Hey. Listen, dude, I gotta talk to you, but you gotta promise me that you won't tell Barney.
Ted: Fine, I won't tell Barney. What is it?
Marshall: Robin's not married.
Ted: What? Then, why would she tell me she was?
Marshall: I don't know but I cross-checked every record in Canada. There's no record of her ever being married.
Ted: There must be some mistake.
Marshall: I promise you, she's not married. She's not great at parking legally either.
Ted: So, she lied to me? What, what am I gonna do? I can't confront her 'cause then she'll know I told you.
Marshall: You gotta lawyer her. You gotta ask her a bunch of questions, try to trip her up, maybe make her feel guilty, whatever it takes to get a confession out of her.
(Ted and Robin in apartment talking)
Ted: Thanks for telling me your secret. It means so much to me that you could be so, what's the word I'm looking for, honest.
Robin: Thanks Ted.
Ted: Yeah, you know what's probably the best part about your honesty? How truthful it is.
Robin: I say we just move on.
Ted: In order for me to get total closure on this whole my-girlfriend-has-a-husband thing, I think I'm gonna need a little bit more information. Like, what month did you get married? Robin: June. We had a June wedding.
Ted: Ah, Canada in June. That's great.
Ted: Sit down or buffet.
Robin: Um...
Ted: Whoa. It's weird that you don't remember.
Robin: No, I just didn't know how to answer because we did butlered hors deouvres in the atrium, but the actual dinner was a buffet in the food court featuring a filet mignon or roasted potato-crusted salmon with a lobster scallion ber blanc.
Ted: Hm. Band of DJ?
Robin: String quartet played at the ceremony, but for the actual reception we had a seven-piece band. We paid extra for the sax 'cause I just love that smooth alto sound.
Ted: How many bridesmaids? Robin: Seven.
Ted: Flowers? Robin: Azaleas.
Ted: Color scheme?
Robin: Dusty rose and sienna.
Ted: Husband's name?
Robin: Um.
Ted: You were never married.
Robin: Yes I was.
Ted: No you weren't.
Robin: How do you know?
Ted: I looked it up at the library.
Robin: What library?
Ted: The one on 5th.
Robin: When did you go?
Ted: Today at lunch. And I had a an apple brie panini with potato salad....
Robin: I'm not questioning the lunch part, Ted. What database did you use?
Ted: I used the Canadian Mall Marriage 6000.
(Robin looks at Ted) Ted: Fine, Marshall looked it up in school.
Robin: You told Marshall?
Ted: You lied to me!
Robin: See, this is why I don't tell people secrets. You were supposed to be the one person I trusted the most and even you couldn't keep a secret.
Ted: But it was a fake secret.
Robin: Yeah, I was testing you and you failed, and now you're never gonna know why I never go to the mall. And it's good too.
Ted: Testing me, that's insane.
Robin: Oh yeah, how long did it take for you to tell Marshall my biggest secret in the world?
Ted: That wasn't a real secret.
Robin: Yeah, but it could have been.
Ted: You are driving me crazy. No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong.
Robin: He moved there for business.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Lily and Marshall sit at booth, Barney walks up to them)
Barney: You, you got something to say to me?
Marshall: What are you talking about? Barney: I know Robin was never really married.
Marshall: How could you possibly know that?
(Barney looks over at Lily, Lily squirms in her seat)
(flashback of Lily and Marshall talking in bed) Lily: And then I put on my pajamas and got into bed. What about you?
Marshall: Uh, let's see. Uh, first, I took the subway to school, and I got a bagel. Then I went to the library and found out Robin was never married. Crazy. And then I was hungry again so I went down to the vending machine...
(Lily looks away slowly looking disturbed)
(back to present scene)
Marshall: You told him? Lily: I had to. I'm Slap Bet Commissioner. Baby, this hurts me more than it's gonna hurt you.
Barney: Don't count on it. I've been practicing on a tree trunk.
Lily: Barney gets three slaps.
Marshall: Three?
Lily: One because you lied. And two for being prematurely slapped. Three slaps.
(Barney slaps Marshall three times in quick succession, Marshall looks like he's going to cry)
Barney: Oh my God. Are you gonna cry? Marshall: No. You're gonna cry.
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted and Robin talking)
Ted: I just don't think it's healthy to keep big secrets in a relationship. My parents didn't really talk to each other for thirty years and now they're divorced.
Robin: I have shared more of myself with you than I have ever shared with anyone. I'm asking for this one secret, which has nothing to do with us, to just be mine.
(front door opens, Barney, Lily and Marshall run in)
Barney: So I just got a very interesting phone call.
Ted: What are you talking about?
Barney: I know Robin's secret.
Robin: What?
Barney: That's right, I know your secret, Robin. Or should I say Robin Sparkles? Robin: How do you know that name? Barney: 'Cause I know the truth. And I am about to show it to you right now.
(Barney sits down at table and opens laptop)
Barney: Gather around, Ted, you're gonna wanna see this.
Ted: Yeah. No I don't.
(Ted closes laptop)
Barney: What?
Ted: Robin wants to keep this a secret so it's gonna stay a secret.
Barney: Yeah, it's not gonna stay a secret. You see, in my research, I came upon a certain gentleman in Malaysia who is in possession of a certain video tape. He just emailed me that it will be up and running on MySpace in about, right now!
(Barney opens up laptop)
Barney: Robin's world is about to be turned upside-down. I mean, I'm guessing.
Robin: Barney, don't, okay.
Barney: Robin, please don't panic. I'm only going to show enough to prove to Marshall that I was right.
Ted: No, Barney, I said we're not watching this.
(Ted closes laptop)
Robin: No, it's time. Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do but if it's out there, there's no point in trying to hide it anymore. Let's just watch it and be done with it.
(Barney opens laptop)
Lily: Are you as terrified as I am?
Marshall: I don't wanna get slapped again.
Robin: I wanna stress that I was young.
Barney: Yeah you were.
Robin: And I didn't know any better.
Barney: They never do.
Robin: And it started out as an innocent modeling job.
Barney: It always does.
(video plays on laptop showing Robin Sparkles dressed as a school girl in a classroom with a teacher)
Robin Sparkles: Please, Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry I was a bad girl. Please don't give me detention. Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you?
(Robin Sparkles bites her lip)
(Barney stops video)
Ted: Oh my God.
Barney: Well, obviously, I've been proven right, so in the interest of Robin's dignity, I won't show anymore. Plus, it's getting late. It's already slap o'clock.
(Barney slaps Marshall)
Robin: What the hell was that?
Ted: I slap bet Marshall that you did p*rn, so I win.
Robin: p*rn? I wish it was p*rn, it would be less embarrassing.
(Robin plays video)
Robin Sparkles: I know, how about I sing you a song!
(Robin Sparkles starts skipping)
(Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall look at the laptop with mouths agape, video keeps playing while everyone watches and makes comments)
Robin Sparkles: Let's go the mall everybody! Come on, Jessica. Come on, Tori.
Robin: I was a teenage pop star in Canada.
Robin Sparkles: Put on your jelly bracelets and your cool graffiti coat. At the mall, having fun is what it's all about.
Lily: This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
Marshall: That's you?
Robin: Yes. I had one minor h*t. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.
Robin Sparkles: Everybody come and play. Throw every last care away. Let's go to the mall, today.
Marshall: This is the 90's. Why does it look like 1986?
Robin: The 80's didn't come to Canada till like '93.
Marshall: Taking a break from the first of many viewings, I can't help but notice that this isn't p*rn.
Lily: And yet a slap occurred without the permission of the Slap Bet Commissioner.
Marshall: Looks like someone suffered from premature slapulation
Ted: Oh my God, Robin's rapping. Guys, Robin's rapping.
Robin Sparkles: Went to the mall with a couple of friends. Had a whole week's allowance to spend.
Lily: OK, I'm going to give you a choice. Either ten slaps right now in a row or five slaps that can be doled at any point from here to eternity.
Marshall, Ted: Cool.
Ted: Go with the 10 now.
Robin: No, wait, why get 10 when you can get 5?
Ted: Yeah, but the constant fear of knowing that at any moment you can get slapped in the face would drive you crazy.
Barney: I'm gonna go with the five for eternity.
Robin: Good call.
Ted: Horrible call.
(Marshall reaches over and Barney flinches)
Marshall: Relax, dude, I'm just going for my soda, man. Take it easy. This is gonna be fun.
Robin Sparkles: Let's go to the mall today! Everybody loves the mall
Lily: So, just to be clear, you wanted everybody to go to the mall today?
Barney: Wow, we're gonna watch this a lot. Robin: I even wore a bedazzled jean jacket.
Ted: Hey, just so you know, 16-year-old me would have been all over you. You could have been the girlfriend in Canada I told everyone I had. Hey, I'm really sorry I pried this out of you. I probably should have left it alone.
Robin: You know what, you know me better now. That feels kinda nice.
(Ted and Robin kiss)
Lily, Marshall, Barney: Aw.
(Marshall slaps Barney)
Marshall: That's one.
Robin Sparkles: Everybody come and play. Throw every last care away. Let's go to the mall, today!
Barney: Did you have to laugh like that every time? Robin: Yes.
Robin Sparkles: There's this boy I like. Met him at the food court. He's got hair like Gretzky and he does jumps on his skateboard. I hope he asks me out. Take me to my favorite spot. It'll be just him and me.
Robot: But don't forget the robot.
Marshall: The robot! Hey!
(Marshall and Robin high-five)
Robin Sparkles: But, baby, I don't wanna wait.
Ted: No, she doesn't wanna wait.
Robin Sparkles: I'm gonna rock your body anyway. I'm going to rock your body 'til Canada Day. Everybody, come and play. Throw every last care away. Let's go to the mall, today! Today, today, today, today. Let's go to the mall (today). Let's go to the mall (today)...
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x09 - Slap Bet"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (V.O.): Kids, there's nothing more wonderful than New York City in the winter... except the view of New York City in the winter through your apartment window.In the winter of 2006, Marshall, Lily, Robin and I were all deep in couple hibernation mode. Sadly, this left Uncle Barney out in the cold.
Barney comes into the apartment.
Barney: Okay. All-night rave, abandoned tire factory in Newark. We're on the list. Who's in?
Ted: - Nope.
Robin: - No.
Later, Barney comes back..
Barney: Private jet. Teeterboro Airport, skinny-skydiving. Who's in?
Ted: - Nope.
Marshall, lily, Robin: - No, thanks.
And again...
Barney: One beer. Bar, downstairs, 15 second walk. Who's in?
Marshall: Shh... Lily went sleepy-bye.
Ted (voix off): It got so bad, Barney tried to be his own wingman.
Barney is at the bar talking to a girl
Barney: Hi. Have you met me?
Ted (voix off): Finally, he decided to bring in reinforcements.
Barney comes into the apartment.
Tous: - No.
Barney: Yes. And do you know why? Hang on to your bedsores, grandparents from Willy Wonka, because guess who's on his way up to this apartment right now? My... wait for it... brother, James. React.
Tous: - Hey!
Robin: - You have a brother?
Barney: - Yeah. He's the awesome-est, most best looking-est, greatest guy ever.
Lily: He's exactly like Barney.
Barney: That's what I just said.
Ted: Well, Barney and his brother aren't exactly alike. James is gay.
Robin: Really? I never in a million years would I picture you with a gay brother, that's awesome.
Ted: Yeah. I just wanted you to have a heads up, so you don't act all surprised when he gets here.
Someone knock on the door and Barney opens
Barney Here he is.
James: What up, New York.
Robin: Thanks for the heads up.
Générique
Robin: How in God's name did it never come up that Barney has a gay, black brother?
Ted: Is he black? I guess I'm the kind of person that focuses on who people are on the inside rather than the color of their skin. I'm kidding, I just wanted to see your face.
Marshall: Yeah, so now the wedding's back on.
Lily: Anyway, James, how have you been?
James: Awesome, as per "yoozh." I just went skinny-skydiving. Legendary. And my laser tag team, just made it to regional finals."Legendarier." And by now you've noticed the suit. go 'head, touch it. Handcrafted by Pietro Dellacamera, Milan's famous 101-year-old tailor who upon completing the very last stitch in this suit dropped d*ad, which is ironic because that is how gorgeous I look in it. C'mon. Gimme five.
Barney: Is "gimme five" back?
James: Oh, yeah. I put it in my blog this morning.
Barney: Guys, "gimme five" is back!
Ted: Oh, James, this is my girlfriend, Robin.
Robin: - Hey. It's so nice to meet you.
James: - You, too.
Robin: So, I have to ask, there's a story here.
Barney and James: Please.
Flashback - In 1982, Barney and James are kids and are sitting on the cough.
Ted (voix off): The truth is, Barney and James got a lot of... different explanations from their mom over the years.
Mere: Well, boys, you look different because when I was pregnant with you, I only ate vanilla ice cream. And when I was pregnant with you, can you guess what kind of ice cream I ate?
James: - Coffee?
Mere: - No, James, I ate chocolate ice cream. But I did drink tons of coffee when I was pregnant with both of you. Can't smoke without my coffee.
In 1984
Mere: I don't know, boys, I guess it's just one of those things.
In 1986
Mere: Stop asking me! You know what you two are? You're little r*cist!
End of Flashback
Ted: So what are you guys gonna do tonight?
Barney: I'll tell you what James is gonna do. He's gonna do the job you've been neglecting. And, as always, he'll do it a lot better than you ever did. Ted... James is my wingman now.
Ted: Okay.
Marshall: Last time James was in town, Barney got slapped once, lucky twice, and... whose penthouse hot tub did you end up in?
James: Ah, public figure, confidentiality agreement. But I will say this: way more back hair than any guy who can afford laser hair removal should have.
Lily: And then there was the time they scored the brother/sister combo.
Barney: It was everything we ever dreamed of when watching Donnie and Marie. She was a little bit country.
James: He was a little bit way into black guys.
Tes (voix off): Yeah, Barney and James together was a lethal combination. Since there was never any crossover in targets, James was always there for Barney with the assist.
Flashbach. James and Barney are et the bar.
James: Whoa. Your scarf... it is fierce!
Women: Thanks. H & M.
James: What? I would never know, 'cause it is so hot that my eyes are melting. Oh, I can't see. Hey! You know, speaking of things that would look good wrapped around you, have you met my straight brother, Barney? Oh, he is fab--don't you go nowhere-- "ulous." Okay?
Ted (voix off): And Barney always returned the favor.
Barney: Help, I don't think he's breathing. Does anyone know mouth-to-mouth?
Man: Oh, my God, I do!
Barney: Okay, great. How 'bout you instead?
End of flashback.
Barney: Oh, man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun. Uh, yes offense.
James: You guys are still going out with us tonight, right?
Ted: - No.
Lily: - Jammies.
Marshall: Tonight? It's after 9:00 and...I have warm soup belly.
James: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Guys... you are young, attractive people here in the greatest city on earth. There are boys and girls in Nobody Cares, Wyoming, wishing they could be here. But instead, they are in someone's basement drinking bad malt liquor, debating whether or not they're going to spend their Saturday night in the parking lot of the feed store or in some other dude's basement. You owe it to them to rise up and shimmy your lazy asses into something hot, and you go out there and you live their dream!- Can I get a "hell, yeah"?
Tous: - Hell, yeah!
James: Can I get a "hell, yeah"?
Tous: - Hell, yeah!
James: Can I get a "woo-woo"?
Tous: - Woo-woo!
James: Go do it for Wyoming!
Tous: Yes!
James: Testify!
Ted (voix off): So that night, Barney got his wish. We all went out.
They get into a bar.
Barney: Daddy's home! Yeah. All right, bro. What do you like? Guy in super tight black T? Super tight black guy? Guy who looks like Mr. T?
James: Mmm, yes, yes, and... talk to me after two martinis. Let's focus on you, my man.
Barney: I'm feeling lazy. How 'bout girl with the chocolatini?
James: Oh... boom, back tattoo. Hero and the pig?
Barney: - Let's ride.
James: - Fo' 'sho. Damn baby, nice tramp stamp!
Women: - Get off me, you pig!
Barney: - Hey! Hey! Her body art is not an invitation to grope her, it's an expression of her inner self. I'm sure, in many ways, she is the dolphin encircled by flowers.
James: - What? What?
Barney: - What? What?
James: Cool.
Barney: Let me know if he bothers you again.
Women: Thanks. You should stay close... just in case.
Barney: Sure. If it'll make you feel safer. I'm Barney.
Ted (voix off): Now, kids, when you're out at a noisy, crowded bar, you can always tell the difference between the singles and the couples. You just have to look for the signs.
James: - Break.
Barney: - Boiling hot.
Ted (voix off): Singles stay on their feet for maneuverability.
James: - Hey! - Hi, how are ya?
James and Barney: Have you met my brother?
Barney: Oh, hello. Have a drink.
James: Nice to meet ya.
Ted (voix off): Couples, exhausted by the sheer act of leaving the house, are obsessed with finding a place to sit down. There are a lot of other indicators, too. From choice of social lubricant...to basic body language. But the point is, there are many ways to tell whether someone has Single Stamina or Couples Coma.
James: I wish I would've worn sneakers. I just got finished running from some fat, hairy guy who was periscoping out of his pleather pants. Permission to come aboard denied.
Lily: I miss my jammies. I can't believe I wore a bra for this.
Robin: Bras suck. They're so confining and unnatural.
Lily: Yeah, they're like a boobie zoo.
Man: Well, why don't you take it off then and let those puppies breathe?
Lily: Oh, please go sweat on someone else.
Marshall: Poor guy.
Lily: Poor guy? Poor my boobs.
Marshall: Well, it takes a lot of guts to approach a girl and you just crushed him.
Lily: Oh, yeah, yeah. He looks all broken up inside.
Robin: Whatever, you guys have no idea what it's like to be on the receiving end.
Ted: "Oh, poor me. I'm a pretty girl and everybody everywhere wants to buy me drinks and have sex with me." Waa.
Marshall: "Oh, poor me. I get to order yummy, pink drinks with chunks of real fruit that guys secretly like, but can't order because they'll be made fun of."
Ted: - Dude.
Marshall: - They're delicious!
Man: Excuse me. Join me in a sh*t?
James: Oh, no thanks. I've had enough. He's too in shape, we'd spend all night talking about his body fat content. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go have a yummy, pink drink with fruit in it... because I can.
Lily: You know, that was, like, the third hot guy that James blew off tonight.
Marshall: Yeah, he's turning down sh*ts, he's yawning, he's whining about his feet. He's as bad as we are.
Ted: He is. Wait, he's exactly as bad as we are. You guys don't think that James is... in a relationship?
Robin: No. There's no way. He's Barney's brother.
Marshall: Look at that. He's texting!
Ted: Oh, my God! He is in a couple.
Lily: This is gonna k*ll Barney.
Barney: What's gonna k*ll me? What's going on?
Marshall: B-Barney? Have you noticed anything...different about James?
Barney: No. I mean, he's glowing from his peel, if that's what you mean.
Ted: We have reason to believe that James is, uh, maybe hiding something from you. I-I know you're not gonna like hearing this, but... Barney... your brother is...monogamous.
Barney: That's ridiculous! Just because he's a little sleepy, and he hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall... He hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall.
Robin: And, Barney... I hate to be the one to tell you this, but... he's texting.
Barney: No, he... No! That... is impossible. Excuse... Excuse... Ex...
James: Hey, bro.
Barney: Don't change the subject. Let me see your phone.
James: Why?
Barney: I just want to see your phone. Let me see your phone.
James: No, it's just a phone. It's just a phone! And it's got Internet access, and it's got a camera on it, and you can surf the Web and do the whole thing. It's so amazing how far technology has come. What kind of phone do you have?
Barney: I got... Who is this? And the answer better be: "I don't remember his name."
James: That is Tom. And he's my fiancé.
James meets Barney at McLaren's
James: Hey.
Barney: I don't support this.
James: Gay marriage?
Barney: Not gay marriage-- marriage! How can you do this?We were raised in the same house, with the same values!
James: Believe me, I fought this for a long time. Come on, it's embarrassing. Look, this felt unnatural to me, too, at first. But I fell in love. And Tom and I realized you can't fight love.
Barney: Oh, God. Is that what you two do together? You sit around the house and talk about love? I think... I'm gonna be sick.
James: Okay, okay, look,I need you to wrap your head around this, okay? Because it is happening. And I want you to be my best man.
Barney: What? No way.
James: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope you change your mind.
James leaves Barney. Three girls come in, one of them with a bridal veil.
Woman: Two beers, one sh*t.
Barney: Oh, it's a freaking epidemic.
Marshall, Lily, Ted and Robin are at the apartment.
Lily: Oh, sweetie! Did you make that for me?
Marshall: Yes.
Barney: Clam Bake. Staten Island. Who's in? Okay, I didn't have high hopes for that one. Okay, here's my thing. If gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. That's how it works. They start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like now everyone gets manicures.
Ted: I don't get manicures.
Barney: Okay, then like how... Like getting your chest waxed.
Lily: You get your chest waxed?
Barney: You know what I mean! Gay marriage is going to cause single life, as we know it, to die out. Think of how the American family will be strengthened.
Marshall: Barney, I'm sorry you're upset, but you got to suck it up and be a man about this.
Barney: No. It's always been me and him together, being awesome, while the rest of you walked two-by-two onto your ark of sexless boredom.
Marshall: Just because James is getting married doesn't mean things are going to change.
Barney: Yeah. Like things haven't changed with you people.
Ted: Look, my sister married a guy I didn't like. Sandals and socks--come on, buddy. But I took her out, we celebrated. It was the right thing to do. You got to support him.
Barney: You're right, Ted. This is a cause for celebration. We need to take him out and celebrate the commitment he and Tom are about to make.
Barney and james arrive at a gay bar with Marshall, lily, Ted and Robin.
James: Yeah. This is where we're celebrating the commitment that Tom and I are about to make?
Barney: What? Yeah! See, that cage represents your commitment.
Marshall: Oh, my God. Freedom has never tasted so delicious.
Man: Hey. You work out?
Marshall: I do. And thank you for noticing. You're obviously in very good shape yourself.
Man: Well, I try. So you want to dance?
Marshall: You know what? I'm very flattered, and, objectively, you're a very attractive man, but this is actually my fiancée.
Man: I'm sorry. You know, I saw your drink and I...
Marshall: No, no, this isn't my drink. This is hers.
Lily: No, it isn't.
Man: Whatever. How 'bout you?
Ted: Oh, I'm straight, too. But I thank you for your time, and I appreciate your interest in my body.
Marshall: You see that? Being h*t on doesn't have to be terrible. I feel flattered, and everyone left with their dignity.
Man: Hey, I really like your sweater.
Robin: Wow. You actually do, don't you? You're not checking out my boobs or anything.
Man: My name's Gay Ken, what do you think?
Robin: I love this place! Let's dance!
Lily: - And not be groped!
Robin: - Whoo! Thank you.
Man(looking at Ted)- Damn.
Ted: - Thank you!
Marshall: - We're hot.
Ted: - Totally.
James: And then Tom says to the dealer that the handmade Georgian clock has a chip on the corner. Blam, we get that puppy half price. What up?! Bam!
Barney: Sounds like you really rocked that arts and crafts fair.
James: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Hey, oh, my God. This is so liberating, being able to talk about this to you. I cannot wait for you to meet Tom.
Barney: And I cannot wait for you to meet my good friend... this guy. Excuse me, do you know anyone who would like to buy my incredibly muscular, fun, large-handed brother a drink?
James: Eh, eh, eh, let's focus on you, Barnaby. Okay. All right. I spy a group of women who have let their defenses down because they are in a gay club. You see that chick right there? She looks like she'd fall for sports agent and football player.
Barney: Okay, I'm in. Which one am I?
James: Please.
Barney: He's very shy, loves tennis and Brazil, and drops his pants after three dirty martinis. Now go, man, go!
Marshall: I just never thought I'd see Barney so vulnerable.
Ted: Well, I guess no one wants to feel like they're going through the world alone.
Man: Look at me, in a yummy sandwich!
Marshall: Okay, we're actually right in the middle of something right now, so...
Man: Ooh, I know what I want to be in the middle of. Thoughts?
Ted: God, can't two straight guys come to a gay dance club, enjoy some techno and good conversation without being bothered?
Robin: How's it going, guys? Still enjoying the attentions of men?
Marshall: That's like the eighth guy who's h*t on us in ten minutes. It's like, hello,
my eyes are up here.
Ted: And it's never the hot ones. It's always the losers. Bums me out!
Lily: Looks like the boys learned their lesson. Do you totally miss being h*t on?
Robin: Oh, totally. Let's go find a sports bar.
Barney: James, James, since you like arts and crafts, look at what Charles here made with cherry stems. He did it with his tongue. Yeah.
James: Barney.
Barney: So, Charles, why don't you put your number in my brother's phone, and once he's in a funner mood...
James: Barney, Barney, I don't want his number. I don't want anyone's number, okay? I'm getting married.
Charles: Wow.- Best of luck to you both.
James: - Thank you.
Charles: My number's in here. I'm very discreet.
James: Okay, okay, excuse me. Barney, family talk. Okay, dude, you have got to stop this, okay? I know that my getting married is thr*at to your way of life...
Barney: Oh, so now it's my way of life? I thought it was our way of life. You've completely turned your back on it. Look at you, not even suited up. Do you remember why we suit up, James?
James: To get laid.
Barney: To show people that we are different from the millions of T-shirt and jeans lemmings out there. The suit shows that we are a force to be reckoned with, a two-person army that plays by its own rules. But you've taken off the uniform, you've crossed enemy lines, and you've abandoned me. Well, I'm not gonna let you do that. It's not too late to back out of this stupid marriage thing! You don't have to do this, bro!
James: - Yes, I do.
Barney: - Why?!
James: Because Tom and I are gonna have a baby.
Barney: What? There's gonna be a baby?
James: Yes. We're adopting.
Barney: Oh, my God. I'm gonna be an uncle?
James: For the rest of your life.
Ted (voix off) And that's how Barney became Uncle Barney. A year later, at James's wedding, Barney could not have been more proud.
At James's wedding
Barney: To James and Tom. May you have a long and happy life together. And may I always have the skin and libido of a much younger man.- Cheers.
Tous: - Cheers.
Barney: Thanks. I decided to leave out the hetero college phase. No one wants to
hear about that.
Lily: It was perfect. You even made Tom's dad cry. Might have been doing that because he's a Republican.
Marshall: Whoa. It's 9:00. We should be getting back. You guys want to split a cab?
Ted: Uh, no, I think I'm gonna stay a little bit longer.
Robin: Yeah, me, too. I'm not tired at all.
Marshall: All right, well, it's getting late. Got to get the wife home.
Lily: Oh, stop calling me that. It makes me sound fat.
Barney: Ugh, it's a freaking epidemic.
Ted and Robin get up to dance.
Barney: - May I?
James: - Yeah.
James stands un and leaves the baby with Barney.
Barney: Hey, buddy. Your parents are married. Now, listen, you. Just because you're being raised by married people doesn't mean you have to choose that lifestyle. High-five. Luckily, you got me. In 20 and a half years, you'll be 21, and I will be... Well, I haven't decided how old I'll be yet. But we are gonna bro out, uncle and nephew style. Stick with me, kid. I am gonna teach you how to live. Great suit, by the way. Who is the cutest?
Barney talks with a woman.
Rosa: I don't get it. Tom liked my breasts in tenth grade. Why doesn't he like them now? Why?
Barney: Rosa, why always be attracted to the unavailable ones? Why not accept the fact that you're a beautiful woman who is worthy of love? Are you brave enough to hear that? You...
She kisses Barney.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x10 - Single Stamina"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (V.O.): Kids, as you know, Christmas is a time you spend with your family. So in December of 2006, I had three options. Spend it with my mom and her new boyfriend Clint, spend it with my dad and his new girlfriend micro-brewing, or head down to Staten Island to spend it with my super religious cousin Stacy and her family. So I opted for none of the above and decided to spend Christmas 2006 in Manhattan... celebrating with my other family.
Lily is decorating the apartment while Marshall studies
Marshall: Okay, I have one last paper due at 5:00 p.m. today, so until then, I will be at the law library at school, but I'm not to be disturbed for any reason.
Ted: Dude, open your eyes. You're going to hurt yourself.
Marshall: No, no. Christmas Eve winter wonderland is my reward for finishing my paper. Baby, do I smell your Sinfully Cinnamon Cookies?
Lily: Yes.
Marshall: Damn me and my heightened other senses. Must be strong. Okay, I'll be back here at 5:00. Save me at least 20 cookies and do not clean the bowl. Was that a reindeer? I don't want to know!
Lily: Hey, look. Our old answering machine.
Ted: Oh, yeah. After you left, we, uh, we unplugged it because it reminded Marshall of how you used to, you know, leave messages. But hey, you guys are back together. I say we're plugging it back in. It's good to have you back.
Lily: Thanks. Oh, hey, look, there's still some messages on here.
Ted's father: Hey Ted, it's Dad calling to check in. I'm going fishing this
weekend with my friend Clint, so if I don't hear from you beforehand, I'll talk to you next week.
Ted: Yes, same Clint.
Ted (voix dans le répondeur): Hey, Marshall. Are you lying on the couch right now moping about Lily? You are, aren't you? Well, stop it. She's not worth it. You gotta get over that Grinch.
Ted (voix off): But I didn't say "Grinch." I said a bad word. A very, very bad word.
Ted: Oh, fudge.
Ted (voix off): But I didn't say fudge.
Lily: I'm... a what?
Ted: I-- That was Barney, that was Barney.
Lily: That was you, Ted.
Ted: That was Marshall.
Lily: Marshall left a message for Marshall?
Ted: You know, it may have been me, but it was so long ago. Man, that machine, it really garbles your voice.You know, it almost made it sound like I said...
Lily: Why would you call me that?
Ted (voix off): It was a fair question. Marshall's breakup with Lily had sent him into a deep depression and nothing could get him out of it. Until one day...
Marshall is eating on the couch while Ted reads the newspaper.
Marshall: She was perfect. I lost the perfect woman. I should have knocked her up when I had the chance.
Ted: Okay. That's it. You're never going to get over her until you stop putting her on a pedestal. So no more ice cream until you tell me one thing that's wrong with Lily.
Marshall: There's only one of her?
Ted: Okay. She called off your wedding and dumped you to be a painter in San Francisco. What do you call that?
Marshall: Fiercely independent? Brave? I guess it was a little selfish.
Ted: There you go.
Ted (voix off): And in almost no time, that spark turned into a roaring f*re.
Flashback. Marshall, Ted and Barney are at the bar.
Marshall: Yeah. No, you're right. Lily would laugh at anything.
Barney: She'd give it up for a bad pun. I'm telling you, she's a laugh slut.
Ted: Remember that time we heard her laughing and we thought she was watching Weekend At Bernie's, but it turned out she was watching Weekend At Bernie's 2?
Barney: And her art? "I'm Lily, I'm an artist." She doesn't even own a beret.
Marshall: Yeah, and if she's such a great "artist," why does she suck at Pictionary? Who draws a ninja star like a Star of David? Right, right?
Ted: Yeah!
Marshall: Another round!
End of flashback. Back at the apartment.
Ted: I was trying to help him. I'm his best friend. That's the best friend's job.
Lily: The best friend's job is to call me that word?
Ted: Yeah.
Barney, Robin and äTed are at the bar.
Robin: Oh, Ted. Oh, Teddy boy.
Ted: Why is this such a big deal? It's just a word. We use lots of words, every day. It shouldn't be any different than any other word.
Barney: Then why don't you say it now?
Ted: Grinch. You timed that didn't you?
Barney: Perfectly.
Robin: Well, at least you apologized. You apologized, didn't you?
Ted: Oh, yeah. "I'm sorry" were the first words out of my mouth.
Flashback. Lily and Ted at the apartment.
Ted: I'm sorry, but I am not apologizing. I was just trying to put the guy back together. You smashed him to pieces.
Lily: Are you seriously not going to apologize for leaving that message?
Ted: No!
Lily: Why not?
Ted: Because, Lily, this summer, you were kind of a Grinch.
Lily: Oh, you'll be sorry, Ted Mosby.
End of flashback. Back to the bar.
Barney: Ted Vivian Mosby!
Ted: That's not my middle name.
Barney: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Ted: Like you've never said that word.
Barney: I don't kiss your mother with my mouth. Yet. (Barney sneezes)
Ted: Are you sick?
Barney: Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?
Ted: No, I meant do you have a cold?
Barney: I'm fine. I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. Now, if you'll excuse me, the holidays are a time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year.
Ted: I should go apologize. It's Christmas Eve.
Robin: Yeah. I mean, slamming doors and screaming curses? If I wanted that, I would have gone home for the holidays.
Barney talks to a girl.
Barney: I don't see any mistletoe, but... (He sneezes on her)
Woman: Oh! Oh, God!
Barney: Uh... "Bless you" would have been nice.
Robin walks Barney home. On the Hallway.
Robin: You're sick.
Barney: I'm not sick.
Robin: You're sick.
Barney: You know what? I am sick. Sick of you telling me I'm sick. What up?
Barney cough so strongly that he fells.
Ted: Ahh... Three flights of stairs, not a drop spilled. Hey, buddy.
Robin: You sure this is gonna work?
Ted: Yeah, this is our thing. In college, whenever I wanted to make up with her, I'd buy her a beer. Cute, right?
Robin: Totally. Plus free mug.
Ted (voix off): Usually that would've done the trick, but it turned out this was a problem not even alcohol could solve. Actually the beer helped a little.
Ted: She took the decorations. She took the decorations! What a Grinch!
Ted (voix off): That time I did say "Grinch."
Ted: All right. I guess I have to call her, right? Lily's cell phone. She'll listen to reason-- right? Oh, hey, Billy. Actually, funny thing--the voice dial got you. I was trying to call... Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. (20 minutes later) Yeah, the holidays are a rough time for everyone, Billy. Okay, yeah, dinner next Wednesday. Okay. Damn voice dial.
Robin: Barney! What the hell are you doing? Get in here, it's freezing outside. Are you insane?
Barney: Hey, blame Lily and her oppressive "no cigars in the apartment rule." God, it's like Marshall's marrying the Taliban. (he sneezes on his hand). High five.
Robin: Eww. No. You have to go home and get to bed.
Barney: Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It's gonna be legen... Wait for it... (Barney falls asleep)
Ted: Lily!
Lily: Merry Christmas, assface.
Ted: Um, Lily? Where are the Christmas decorations?
Lily: At my apartment.
Ted: You want to bring them back so we can celebrate Christmas together-- please?
Lily: Ted, do you know what I would do if one of my kindergartners used that kind of language? I would be on the phone with their parents.
Ted: Yeah, I'm not a kindergartner.
Lily: Exactly. You know what that word means. You know that calling people names is mean and hurtful... assface.
Ted: Lily, if you don't bring that stuff back right now, we...
Ted to Robin: She hung up.
Robin: She's just mad. She'll cool down.
The phone rings
Ted: Lily...
Lily: Don't forget to take the cookies out of the oven... assface!
Ted: Damn it! I could be in Cleveland right now making peppermint lager with my dad.
Robin: Where are you going?
Ted: Marshall gets home in three hours. He's gonna show up--no Lily, no winter wonderland.I gotta get up to the Bronx.
Ted goes out slamming the door which wakes up Barney)
Barney:...dary.
Ted's on the street when his phone rings.
Ted: Hey, dude, how's the paper going?
Marshall: Screw the paper, how's the winter wonderland? Is it magical?
Ted: Oh... so magical.
Marshall: When you walk through the door, does it feel like you've been slapped in the face by Christmas?
Ted: Sure does. Look, I gotta go.
Marshall: Come on, man, describe it! Tell me about the decorations. Is Rudolph there? He is, isn't he? Hi, Rudolph!
Ted: Ah, yeah, but, you know... decorations, is that really what Christmas is about?
Marshall: Hell, yeah! What else would it be about?
Ted: Uh, try the birth of Christ. You know, Christmas-- Christ Mas, which means "More Christ" to our Spanish friends.
Marshall: Yeah, well, all I know is walking in that door and seeing the winter wonderland and seeing Lily and all you guys, just... I can't wait.
Ted: Right. I gotta go.
Marshall: Right. Okay.Oh, wait. Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted. One more thing. How about the cookies? Are they delicious?
Robin is at the apartment with a f*re extinguisher
Ted: You know, honestly, they taste a little store-bought. Oh! I got another call.
Marshall: Well, tell Lily I love her.
Ted: Right. (he hangs up end takes the other call)- Hello?
His mother: Ted Evelyn Mosby!
Ted: Oh. Uh, hey, Mom. Merry Christmas.
His mother: I just got the most disturbing call from Lily. How could you use such a horrible word?
Ted: Oh, God, she called you?
His mother: Are you acting out because of the divorce? Is-is this all about Clint?
Ted: No, Mom, why would it be about Clint?
Clint: Hey, buddy, it's Clint. How you doing, champ?
Ted: Hey, Clint. Listen, um, I don't really have time to...
Clint: Hey, hey, no, no, no. Ted, Ted. You don't know this yet, but you and I are going to be great friends. Now, the Native Americans have this ritual...
Ted hangs up and takes the subway.
Barney is in bed and Robin brings hm food.
Barney: This is a low moment for the Barnacle. I should be off playing laser tag right now, but instead... Don't look at me. I'm hideous.
Robin: You just look like a regular guy.
Barney: Exactly. I'm a Ted. I'm wearing elastic-waist fleece pants.
Robin: And isn't it more comfy?
Barney: Yes.
Robin: Come on, you need eat something.
Barney: Too weak... to hold... bowl.
Robin: Fine, I'll feed you.
Barney: Ouchie in my mouth! I don't want it. I want ice cream.
Robin: No, you're not having ice cream for dinner just 'cause you're sick.
Barney: But my throat hurts.
Robin: No!
Barney: I hate you!
Robin stands up
Barney: Don't leave me.
Lily is at her apartment when someone knocks on the door.
Lily: Who is this?
Ted: Pizza delivery.
Lily: Hey, you tricked me.
Ted: You really thought I was the pizza delivery guy?
Lily: No, I knew it was you. I just thought you'd at least bring a pizza.
Ted: Yeah, well, I brought a beer, but I gave it to a homeless guy. All right, he took it from me. Now, will you please come home?
Lily: No, I'm not spending Christmas with you.
Ted: Okay, I'm sorry for calling you a... that word, over the summer, and for saying it again today. And for thinking it a lot on the subway ride over. I had no right to say that. It was hurtful and immature and I'm sorry.
Lily: Oh, shut up. You think I don't know your fake apologies by now, Ted Mosby? Huh? You're clearly still mad at me.
Ted: I'm not mad at you.
Lily: Yes, you are.
Ted: I am not mad at you, Lily. Now, can we please just...
Lily: I've apologized to Marshall and he's forgiven me and we've moved passed it. Why can't you?
Ted: Because you never apologized to me. Marshall's not the only one you walked out on. You leave for three months, you don't even call. Come on, Lily, we're supposed to be friends!
Lily: Yeah, some friend, you called me a Grinch.
Ted: You were a Grinch!
Lily: How can you...
Ted: Grinchy, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch.
The light goes out
Lily: Happy? Now, you've pissed off the big guy upstairs.
Ted: Yeah, I'm sure God cares if I...
Voice: You use that language again and I'll turn off your water!
Lily: That's my super. He lives above me. Great. Thanks to your filthy mouth, now I'm going to have Christmas alone in the dark.
Ted: Fine. I don't want to ruin Christmas. You can have the apartment. Don't worry about seeing me there I'll be in Staten Island with my cousin Stacy. Just.... Merry Christmas.
Ted walks out lily's apartment.
Robin (on the phone): You're spending Christmas Eve with your family? Baby, that sucks. I'm so sorry.
Ted: Uh, they're fine. They're just... they're a little weird. You know they don't believe in gifts or Christmas trees. And they think Santa's how Satan spells his name when he wants to trick us.
Robin: Well, do you want me to go with you?
Ted: Was that a sincere offer?
Robin: First tell me your answer.
Ted: Stay there. Save yourself. We'll spend all day together tomorrow. Okay. Oh, how's Barney feeling?
Robin: You mean the whiney bottomless pit of neediness? He was bugging me, so I spiked his echinacea tea with codeine.
Ted: You're gonna be a great mom.
Marshall walks into the apartment with a box.
Marshall: Holy crap, the magical Christmas season is upon us. And thank God we don't pay for utilities.
Lily: Merry Christmas! What's in the box?
Marshall: Only the best present for the best girl ever. It took me all day to track it down.
Lily: I thought you were writing a paper.
Marshall: Ah, naw, I blew that off. I'll get an extension. School's not important. What is that pitter patter on the roof? Could it be the sound of an awesome Christmas story about to come down the chimney? Why, yes, it is. 'Twas the day before Christmas...
Flashback. Marshall is at the post office
Marshall: It was supposed to arrive, like, five days ago, but then it got lost and rerouted. I checked two other branches, finally they told me it was here.
Women: Yeah, all I needed to know was the tracking number. Looks like it's headed out to our regional branch in Poughkeepsie.
Marshall: What?No, no, no, no,I need that package today.
Women: Listen, the truck already left five minutes ago so unless you want to run after it...
Marshall runs after the truck
Marshall: Stop! Stop! Stop, please, stop. Stop. Stop the truck. I need a package on your truck. Can I please take a look in back?
Truck driver: Sure. But I gotta keep driving my route. I'm running behind.
Marshall gets in the truck
Truck driver: My bad.
Marshall: I'm okay. (out of the truck) Hey, man, thanks for helping me make my fiancee's Christmas.
Truck driver: No problem. Too bad I can't deliver all these packages by the end of the day.
Marshall: Wait, so some people aren't going to get their gifts in time for Christmas?
Truck driver: Sadly, no.
Marshall helps the truck driver deliver the gifts. End of flashback. Back at the apartment
Marshall: We delivered every single package on that truck. But I still have one package left to give. Yeah, I did. Merry Christmas. Open it, Baby.
Lily: Okay. Oh, my God. An Easy Bake Oven! I've wanted one of these ever since I was a little girl. In this exact model. I never told you that. How did you know?
Flashback. A month earlier Marshall and Ted are in the bar.
Marshall: It's our first Christmas since we got back together. I want to get her something really special. So I'm getting her a jukebox.
Ted: Wow, that's a great gift.
Marshall: Not really. It's this big and it dispenses gum.
Ted: Oh, man, I know something you could get her that would blow her mind. Ready? Eight years ago...
Flashback. Ted and Lily are in marshall and Ted's college room.
Lily: When I was a kid, all I wanted was an Easy Bake Oven. I begged and I begged, but all I got was a stupid Lego set because my feminist mom didn't want me conforming to traditional gender roles.
Ted: Easy Bake Oven--that's what I'm going to call my van.
Marshall walks in
Ted: Dude... how was the concert?
Marshall: I couldn't find the outside.
End of flashback. Back to the apartment with Lily and Marshall.
Lily: I can't believe Ted remembered after all these years.
Marshall: Yeah, and after all that weed. Where is he anyway?
Lily: Staten Island.
Marshall: Why?
Staton island. Ted is in the livingroom with kids.
Ted: Okay, don't tell your mom, but I got you guys some presents.
A kid: Like the gift of God's love?
Ted: No, dude, real presents.
Kid: Uncle Ted got us presents!
Stacy: That's okay, Ted, we'll just give them to charity.
Charity: Yay!
Stacy: Uh, not you, Charity. I meant the less fortunate. Ted, how would you like to say grace tonight?
Ted: Uh, you know what, why don't you say it. I really wouldn't know what to say.
Charity: Why don't you recite your favorite passage of scripture.
Ted: That's a great idea, Charity. But, really, I don't know. I mean how do you choose your favorite passage? It's the Bible; there's so many... great ones... That one from Pulp Fiction's pretty cool. Doorbell rings. Ooh, I'll get it. Charity, I'm tapping you in.
Charity: Dear, Father, thank you for this day, and thank you for bringing this family together. Amen.
Ted opens the door and sees everybody. Lily's holding a beer.
Stacy: Who is it, Ted?
Ted: Uh, it's... it's just, um, carolers. Marshall starts singing. Robin and Barney follow.
# Silent night. Holy night... #
Lily: I came here to apologize. I'm so sorry, Ted.
Ted: I accept. Give me the beer. it is so good to see you guys.
Lily: Are you coming home?
Ted: Totally. But first, Lily, I owe you an apology.
Lily: Oh, for the love of God, are you as sick of apologies as I am?
Ted: Yes
Lily: Can we just skip the apology and go straight to the forgiving?
Ted: Yes. And I promise, I will never ever call you a... you know, again.
Lily: That's okay. I was kind of a Grinch.
Kid(in the house) What's a Grinch?
Ted: Nothing. It's something you shouldn't say.
Kid: Mom, what's a Grinch?
Stacy spits out the water she had in the mouth.
Both kids: Grinch, Grinch, Grinch...
Ted ( to the family): Merry Christmas, everybody. Ted takes his coat and leaves (to his friends) Run, run.
In the apartment Mashall is eating the cookies.
Marshall: Merry Christmas, Marshall.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x11 - How Lily Stole Christmas"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (V.O.): Kids, you remember my first day with Robin.
Flashaback. Ted and Robin are at Robin's apartment.
Ted: I think I'm in love with you.
Robin: What?!
End of flashback.
Ted (voix off): Well, here's the thing, normal people, you know, people who aren't your dad, usually take longer to say "I love you." Robin went through the usual stages.
Flashback. Ted, Robin and Barney are at the apartment.
Robin: Spider! Spider!
Barney: I left something in the hallway.
Ted: Where?
Robin: Right there.
Ted: Got it.
Ted kisses Robin. Barney comes back to the apartment.
Ted (voix off): First there's the moment when you think you think it.
Ted: Whoa, still alive.
Barney leaves the apartment.
Ted (voix off): There's the moment you think you know it.
Robin is sick and in bed:
Robin: Oh, you don't want to kiss me, you'll get sick.
Ted still kisses her. Two days later he's the one who's sick.
Ted: Totally worth it.
Ted (voix off): There's the moment where you know you know it, but you can't yet say it.
Ted: All right, it's getting to be that time. I'll talk to you tomorrow?
Robin: Good night.
Ted: Good night.
Robin: Wait, Ted?
Ted: Yeah?
Robin: Good night.
The next morning, Ted walks into Robin's apartment. Robin's on the phone.
Robin: Well, great, I'll see you then. Bye, sweetie. (To Ted) Hey. Guess what? My sister Katie is coming to visit next weekend. She gets in on Thursday.
Ted: That's awesome. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take off work Friday. We're gonna take her to the Empire State Building.
Robin: Really? You'd do that?
Ted: Of course. Everyone should see the Empire State Building.
Ted (voix off): And then there's the moment where you know you know it, and you can't keep it in any longer.
Flashback. At Ted's apartment.
Robin: Ted.
Ted: Yeah?
Robin: Falafel.
Credits. Robin and lily are at the airport.
Lily: Falafel?
Robin: Falafel.
Lily: Instead of telling Ted you love him, you said "falafel"?
Robin: I totally choked.
Lily: I just don't get it. Why can't you tell Ted you love him?
Robin: Oh, come on, this is a big deal for me.
Lily: Oh, God, you'd think you never said it to a guy before. No.
Robin: Okay, well, I don't usually getthis far in the relationship. I usually take the three-week exit.
Lily: Don't tell me you're actually buying into Barney's freeway theory.
The whole g*ng is at the bar
Barney: Watch your steps when you get up, kids, 'cause I am about to drop some knowledge. Relationships are like a freeway.
Marshall: Wait a minute, a month ago you told me relationships are like a traveling circus.
Barney: No, this is new. This trumps that. Freeways have exits. So do relationships. The first exit, my personal favorite, is six hours in. You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower.
Robin: So every girl you have sex with feels the immediate need to shower? Actually, yeah, I get that.
Barney: The next exits are four days, three weeks, seven months--that's when you guys are gonna break up, mark your calendars.
Ted: What?
Barney: Then a year and a half, 18 years, and the last exit-- death. Which, if you've been with the same woman for your entire life, it's like, "Are we there yet?"
End of flashback. Back with Robin and Lily.
Robin: So I've never been on the freeway this long before. I mean, usually by now I find out the guy has some weird personality thing that makes me want to take the next exit.
Lily: Yeah, been there. I once dated a guy who could only go to the bathroom when classical music was playing. Okay, it was Marshall.
Robin: It's just things are going so well with Ted I just don't want to complicate it.
Lily: Relax, it'll happen when it happens. Which is also the advice I gave Marshall to get him over the classical music thing.
Robin: Oh, here comes Katie.
Lily: Aw, your sister's so cute.
Robin: Yeah. This reminds me of when I used to see her coming up the driveway from school, with her little pigtails and her Hello Kitty backpack.
Her sister is kissing a boy.
Lily: Hello, Kitty.
Robin: Oh, no. No. No. No.
Katie: Hey, Robin. How are you?
Robin: Oh, good. Good. So, who is this... tongue person?
Katie: Robin, this is my boyfriend Kyle.
Kyle: Looks like hotness runs in the family.
Robin: Oh, you said that. Great. So how long have you two been...?
Katie: Two whole months.
Kyle: Yeah.
Katie: He's actually coming to visit family in New York, too. Isn't that great?
Kyle: My cousin. He's 23, kind of a wad, but he buys me beer, so...
Robin: That's cool. This is my friend Lily.
Kyle: Hot.
Robin: You say things! Well, come on, let's get you back to my place, we'll get you settled.
Katie: Um, actually, I'm going to stay with Kyle tonight.
Robin: Uh, no, you're not.
Katie: Oh, come on. It's kind of a special night. If you know what I mean.
Robin: What? Oh. Oh...
The whole g*ng is at the bar.
Robin : I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a......douche with a faux hawk. This can't happen. You guys have to help me talk her out of it.
Marshall: Speech to talk a girl out of having sex.
Ted: Yeah, I don't have any of those.
Barney: Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.
Robin: Please? I'm her older sister. I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.
Lily: It's 2:00 and you've already had three scotch and sodas.
Robin: That's why I need your help.
They're all at the Empire State Building.
Ted (voix off): Robin convinced Katie to stay with her that first night. And the next day, I took everybody to the Empire State Building.
Ted: You guys are lucky you came here with an architect. Empire State Building fun
fact number one: When construction began on March 17, 1930, the framework rose at a rate of four and a half stories per week. Four and a half stories per week. Four and a half stories per week. There it is. There it is. Come on. These are fun facts, guys, let's have fun with them.
Robin: You know, Katie, I have wanted to come to the Empire State Building for so long, but I waited to come here with someone special.
Katie: Oh, here we go.
Lily: Marshall and I have never been to the Empire State Building either. But I'm so glad I waited to do something so important with my fiancee.
Marshall: Speaking of waiting, I signed an abstinence pledge in high school. It's totally cool to wait. And stay away from drugs... other than pot.
Katie: You told them?
Robin: Oh, okay, yes, I told them. But only because I think you should hear it from other grownups, too. Everyone thinks you should wait. Right, guys?
All: Totally. You should wait.
Barney: Sex is fun.
Robin: See?
Katie: You are such a hypocrite. You were only 16 when you lost yours.
Robin: Well, how do you know that? You left your diary in your old room slash my new room.
Barney: I'll pay you $10,000 for that diary.
Katie: Look, I've been dating Kyle for two months now. It's like forever. I mean, we've already done everything else. I mean, we've even...
Robin: Oh. La, la, la, la, la.La, la, la, la, la, la, la,la, la, la, la, la.
Marshall: Even Kyle gets to do that.
Katie: You have no right to tell me not to do it.
Robin: But Kyle? Why can't you just wait? Because if you wait, you can get a nice guy like Ted.
Katie: Robin, this is happening. Look, I already put it up on my Myspace page. I need a clove.
Robin: You smoke now, too?
Lily: Oh, remember cloves?
Marshall: No!
Robin: No "Aw, remember cloves?" This can't happen. She's my baby sister, okay? She should be watching The Little Mermaid and drinking Yoohoo, and not having sex.
Ted: Come on, you were only 16 when you had sex. I was 17.
Marshall: We were 18.
Ted: Barney was probably 12.
Barney: Good one, Ted. I was, uh, six... fourt... How old were you again?
Ted: 17.
Barney: Dude, me, too.
Lily: Barney, you okay?
Barney: Yeah, of course. What, you don't believe me? - It was at camp, so I'm...
Marshall: What camp?
Barney: This place in the Catskills. Look it up. I was there teaching for the summer.
Robin: What did you teach?
Barney: Uh, dance.
Ted: Dance?
Barney: Yeah, Ted, dance. Maybe you've heard of it. It was just a simple summer job, but it turned into so much more. Her name was Frances Houseman, but everyone called her Baby.
Flashback. Where Barney work that summer.
Barney: Sylvia
Sylvia: Yes, Mickey?
Barney: How you call your loverboy?
Sylvia: Come here, loverboy
Barney: And if he doesn't answer
Sylvia: Oh, loverboy
Barney: And if he still doesn't answer?
Sylvia: I simply say, baby... Oh, baby. My sweet baby
End of flashback. Back to the Empire State Building.
Lily: That's Dirty Dancing.
Ted: It was on last night.
Marshall: No, it was two nights ago. "She's Like the Wind" has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out. Now it's back in. Damn you, Swayze!
Lily: Do you remember our first time?
Marshall: Yeah. It was back in college.
Flashback. 1996. In Marshall and Ted's college room. Marshall and lily are kissing.
Lily: Oh, wait, wait. Look... I really want to do this, but... we should make it special, you know? Do this right.
Marshall: Okay. You're right. Maybe we could go to the beach and get a house for the weekend.
Lily: Yeah, New Year's Eve.
Marshall: Okay.
Lily: Oh, and we'll light candles and maybe put on some classical music.
Marshall: That's not a good idea.
Lily: Why not?
Marshall: Long story. But maybe we could put on some Al Green and take a bubble bath together.
Lily: Oh, yeah, that sounds so good. Oh, I love you, Marshall. I'm so glad we're waiting. (12 minutes later): Oops. End of flashback.
Robin: Oh, that's adorable.
Ted: Yeah, tell her what happened next.
Back to Marshall and lily's flashback.
Marshall: That was amazing.
Lily: Yeah. Want to do it again?
Ted (on the bed of the top): Please don't. End of flashback.
Marshall: We said we were sorry.
Ted: Yeah, well, then why'd you do it again?
Marshall: You know what, I loaned you my Walkman.
Lily: The point is no matter what, it's never gonna be as perfect as you want it to be.
Robin: Well, mine was terrible.
Lily: Wait, I've never heard your story.
Robin: Well, as you know, I was 16. And it was with my boyfriend Brian.
Flashback. Robin's in bed with Brian.
Brian: Ready?
Robin: Yeah.
Brian: This feels so right.
Robin: Oh, I know.
Brian: Oh, Robin.
Robin: Oh, Brian.
Brian: Yeah, I'm gay. End of flashback.
Lily: I'm so sorry.
Robin: Eh, I should've known. There were signs.
Back to Robin's flashback.
Brian: Oh, my God! My mom's home. Quick! Get under my bed.
Robin: What?! Oh, my God!
End of flashback.
Robin: You only get one sh*t at losing your virginity. And even though I just barely had sex, it counts.
Lily: What do you mean just barely?
Robin: Well, he didn't dive all the way into the pool, but he... splashed around in the shallow end.
Lily: Then you didn't lose your virginity to him. Just barely doesn't count.
Robin: Yes, it does.
Lily: No, it doesn't.
Marshall: Yes, it does.
Lily: No, it doesn't. It doesn't count. End of story.
Barney: Ooh, why, Lily Aldrin, you saucy little harlot. Could it be that before Marshall took a swim, someone else tested the water?
Marshall: No. Nobody else tested the water, right? Scooter?
Barney: Who's Scooter?
Lily: My high school boyfriend, who I did not have sex with.
Marshall: I... I can't believe this. We're Marshall and Lily, when people see us, they say, "Oh, look at them, they've only had sex with each other."
Barney: No, Marshall, they say, (with a sad voice) "Oh, look at them, they've only had sex with each other."
Marshall: But now that's not true anymore, now you've had sex with twice as many people as I have. I knew that you were too good at it.
Katie: Know what? I don't want to see the stupid Empire State Building anymore.
Ted: It's not stupid.
Katie: I'm going to see Kyle.
Robin: Katie, please. You only get to lose your virginity once. You should only be having sex with someone who's special.
Katie: Oh, please, you've had sex with, like, a hundred guys.
Robin: It's not a hundred guys. It's not a hundred guys.
Katie: I'm sure you were madly in love with all of them.
Robin: I had different levels of feeling for each of the... very reasonable number of guys.
Katie: Really. Well, do you love Ted? Do you love Ted?
Robin: I, um...
Ted: Okay, Empire State Building fun fact number 22: The Empire State Building has tons of places where people can have private conversations. ( goes away with Robin) You're off the hook, okay?
Robin: Just let me explain.
Ted: You don't have to explain anything. You don't have to say it-- it's fine.
Robin: Okay, but if relationships are like a freeway, then saying... "hm hm hm" is like... getting into the carpool lane. And I don't want to take an exit, but... at the same time, I'm not ready to get into the carpool lane. Because what's in the carpool lane? Oh, it's a big diamond, and I'm just not ready to get...
Ted: Okay, Robin, Robin, stop. It's no big deal, you don't have to say it.
Robin: It's just, it's a big thing to say to someone, and I don't want to say it too soon.
Ted: What, you mean like I did?
Robin: No. I didn't... Yeah, like you did. I mean, you have to admit it, Ted, it was a little weird.
Ted: Weird... or courageous?
Robin: Pretty sure weird. I mean, who gives it up on the first date?
Ted: Well, come on, it shows I'm brave and bold, like a knight.
Robin: No, it shows that you're an I-love-you slut.
Ted: Well, then you're an I-love-you prude. You know what? I take mine back.
Robin: You... What?
Ted: I take my "I love you" back.
Robin: You can't take it back.
Ted: Nah. Just did. Got it right here. But, you know, I'm such a slut. I'm just gonna give it away. Hey, you, sir. I love you.
Man: Thank you, man. I was going up there to jump. (the man hugs Ted)
Lily: Marshall, why is this such a big deal?
Marshall: Why is this such a big deal? Oh, uh, sorry, Christopher Columbus, guess who actually discovered the New World. Some dude named Scooter. Oh, uh, Neil Armstrong, it actually goes like this: "One small step for man, one giant leap for Scooter." Whoa, hey, Adam, guess who got with Eve before you did...
Lily: Okay, Marshall, I get it.
Marshall: It's a big deal because it rewrites our history.
Lily: No, it doesn't. Look, have you been to the Empire State Building? No. You've only been in the lobby. People don't buy tickets to get in the lobby. They buy tickets to get to the top. Scooter only got in the lobby, and the lobby doesn't count.
Marshall: Really. Excuse me, sir, uh, can you tell me how to get to the Empire State Building?
Man (the same that talked to Ted) Um, we're in it right now.
Marshall: Thank you, sir. You're a very wise and brilliant man.
Man: You're right. Why would I throw that all away? I'm having the best day!
Robin: Katie, I'll admit, maybe I'm not in any place to lecture you on romantic relationships, but... but I just don't want you to make the same mistakes that I've made.
Katie: Oh, believe me, Kyle is not gay.
Robin: That's not what I meant. I just wish you weren't in such a rush to grow up. Please don't do this.
Ted (V.O.) : But, kids, later that night, Katie did it, and she got pregnant... with quintuplets... and she lived out her days in a trailer park... where she died an alcoholic. So the moral here, kids, don't have sex until you're married. Maybe even, like, a year or two into marriage.
His kids: Dad!
The girl: Come on, what really happened?
Ted (V.O.): All right, here's what really happened.
Ted is sitting on the couch at the apartment when Robin comes in.
Robin: Hey.
Ted: Hey.
Robin: She didn't do it.
Ted: Hey, that's great! You got through to her.
Robin: No, I didn't. You did. She told me that you talked to her.
Flashback. Ted meets Katie et the Empire State Building.
Ted: Hey, Katie.
Katie: Hey. Got another Empire State Building fun fact for me?
Ted: No. I wouldn't bore you with the seven million man-hours it took to build this 102-story testament to human will. So, you okay?
Katie: I don't know what everyone is freaking out about. Kyle, he's a really nice guy. He could've cheated on me with my lab partner Gretchen Gwynn, but he didn't. 'Cause he said he knew I'd find out.
Ted: That's very gallant. Well, I don't know what your sister's freaking out about, either. - I was your age my first time.
Katie: Oh, really?
Ted: Yeah, yeah. It was, uh, it was with this girl, Molly.
Flashback. Ted is on the bed with molly.
Molly: I love you, Ted.
Ted: Oh, I love you, too, Molly. (Voix off ) But I didn't.
Molly: That was amazing.
Ted: Look, I got to go.
Molly: Where are you going?
Ted: My cousin got some firecrackers from Mexico. We're going out to the woods to light 'em-- it's gonna be awesome.
Molly: Well, will you call me?
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, I'll totally call you. (Voix off) But I didn't. Molly?
Molly: Yeah?
Ted: Can I borrow 20 bucks? I'll totally pay you back.(Voix off) But I didn't.
End of flashback. Back to Katie and Ted.
Ted: And I never saw her again. I told her I loved her, but... I just wanted to have sex. I-I would've said anything to make that happen, and... that's exactly what I did. Look, I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just telling you what all 17-year-old boys are like. Even the nice ones.
Flashback. Katie's at Robin apartment.
Katie: So I told Kyle I wanted to wait... and he dumped me.
Robin: Oh, oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. Aw, honey. I promise everything is gonna be okay. You want to watch The Little Mermaid and drink some YooHoo?
Katie: Only if you put a buttload of Kahlua in it.
Robin: Don't tell Mom.
End of flashbacks. Back to robin and Ted.
Robin: Thanks for doing that.
Ted: You're welcome. I knew it meant a lot to you.
Robin: But, man, your story, I mean, it doesn't even sound like you.
Ted: Yeah, well...
Flashback. Ted and molly are on the bed.
Ted: I love you, Molly.
Molly: Oh, I love you, too, Ted.
Ted: Wow. That was amazing.
Molly: Look, I got to go.
Ted: Wh-Where are you going?
Molly: Uh, my cousin got some firecrackers from Mexico. We're going into the woods to light them. It's gonna be awesome.
Ted: Will you call me?
Molly: Yeah. I'll totally call you. Oh, Ted?
Ted: Yeah?
Molly: Can I borrow 20 bucks? I'll totally pay you back.
End of flashback.
Ted: But she didn't.
Robin: Oh, come here. I love you. I said it. Feels right. I love you.
Ted: I'm gay. I'm kidding. I love you, too. Hey... you lost your I-love-you-ginity.
Robin: Yeah. I guess I was just waiting for the right guy.
Ted (voix off): Katie ended up having a great first time in New York. And the last thing we did before she left was go to the Empire State Building.
Ted: I am so glad we're finally doing this.
Barney: What are you talking about? We were here yesterday.
Marshall: Yeah, but that didn't really count. Oh, crap.
Lily: Exactly! So yesterday doesn't count as having gone to the Empire State Building. So I lost it to you, Marshall. And I rode that elevator to the top, and I saw that view, and I basked in the awesomeness. And that's our story.
Marshall: Yeah. Yeah, that's our story. We've only had sex with each other.
Lily: We've only had sex with each other.
Barney: They've only had sex with each other.
Ted: Ooh, okay, in, in we go, in we go. Okay, Empire State Building fun fact number 81: There are 1,860 steps from this... (They push him outside the elevator) Whoa, whoa! Come on!
They're at the bar.
Ted: So, now you guys can finally say you've been to the Empire State Building. How have you lived here so long and never been to the top?
Marshall: Well, we're usually busy... drinking.
Lily: Speaking of first times, we never got to hear your virginity story.
Marshall: That's right, I almost forgot.
Barney: Okay. I was 16, and it was in a baseball dugout...
Marshall: Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Barney: I mean, I was in a subway with a high-priced call girl...
Ted: Risky Business.
Barney: I was accidentally hacking into NORAD'S computer...
Ted: That's w*r Games, and there's not even a sex scene in it.
Barney: All right! I was 23, and it was with my mom's 45-year-old divorced friend, Rhonda. She called me "Barry" the whole time, and for two weeks, my comforter smelled like menthol cigarettes. You happy?
Marshall: Hey... Why don't you tell us again about your first time at the camp in the Catskills.
Barney: Baby and her family spent every summer at Kellerman's. Her dad did not approve of our love.
Ted: Did anyone put Baby in a corner?
Barney: Oh, God, no. What can I say, I... had... the time of my life. True story.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x12 - First Time in New York"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Flashback. In 1982, Ted is building a tower with legos.
Ted (voix off): Some kids dream of being astronauts. Some kids dream of playing baseball. When I was a kid, I had only one dream. To build a skyscraper.
Boy: That's stupid. (he destroys Ted's tower.)
End of flashback
Ted (voix off): There were some obstacles along the way. But eventually my dream came true. I became an architect.
Ted at work.
Ted: Morning, everyone! So, I had an idea for the atrium. Ready? Columns.
Mr. Druthers: That's stupid. (he destroys his model)
Credits.
Ted: I... I can't believe you knocked over my model.
Mr Druthers: Well, it's just... it's not exactly new, is it-- columns? I mean, what's your next groundbreaking idea-- ceilings? Floors? Windows?
Ted (voix off): I know what you're thinking: Who's this jerk? Well, this jerk was Hammond Druthers, a legend in the architecture community. Very big in the '80s. He was also far and away the worst boss I ever had. Then I designed the Spokane National Bank Building. And suddenly... I was his boss. - And he didn't like it.
Mr Druthers: Stairs?
Ted (voix off): And to be honest, I wasn't sure I liked it either. See, before, when I was just another employee, I was happy, carefree. The guy who hung out in the break room making fun of the boss.
Flashback. Ted's in the break room with two co-workers.
Ted: Did you see what he was wearing today? It was like his pants were being held up by his nipples.
Co-worker: Yeah, and that shirt with the flowers, I get hay fever just looking at it.
Ted (voix off): But suddenly I was a different guy.
Ted's in the break room with two co-workers.
Ted: Hey, guys. What's so funny?
Co-worker: Nothing. Um... nice shirt.
Ted: Thanks.
Ted (voix off): The hours were insane. I was always working even when I wasn't at work.
Ted and Robin are on the bed. Robin is sleeping.
Ted: Oh, Robin... I just had a great idea.
Robin: Oh, do whatever you want to me just don't wake me up.
Ted (voix off): Before, I used to be this guy.
Ted: Dude, of course you should take the day off for the Foo Fighters concert. Just say you're sick.
Ted (voix off): But now...I was this guy.
Ted: Sick, huh? Unbutton your shirt. Hmm... "Foo Fighters." Get back to work.
Ted (voix off): But still, the worst part was Druthers.
End of flashback. Back to work.
Ted: Well, I was thinking...
Mr Druthers: Ceilings? Oops. Said that already. Then again, you seem to like rehashing old ideas. I'm kidding, of course. Another hole in one, boss.
The whole g*ng's at the bar.
Robin: Oh, wow, he must be really good-looking.
Ted: Why would you say that?
Robin: Well, 'cause only good-looking people can get away with saying things like that.
Barney: I have found that to be true.
Marshall: It's a blessing and a curse really.
Lily: Ted, you can't let him treat you like that.
Marshall: Yeah, you gotta ask yourself, who's the boss?
Ted: Tony.
Robin: Angela.
Barney: Mona.
Robin: Mona?
Barney: Watch it more closely. Rock your world.
Robin: So, what are you gonna do?
Ted: Well... it's awkward, I mean, the guy used to be my boss. So, I went to talk to the managing partner.
Flashback. Ted is with the Managing Partner.
MP: f*re him.
Ted: Well, sir, I was thinking he could just be put on a different project.
MP: f*re him! He's an arrogant, washed-up, pain in the ass. In fact, f*re everyone on that project. Druthers, Mosby, the whole lot of them.
Ted: Mosby, sir? I, I... I hear Mosby's doing some great work.
MP: Fine, Mosby can stay. But tell him he's on thin ice. Come here. I like you, Crosby.
End of flashback. Back at Ted's apartment.
Barney: You mind if I charge my phone?
Ted: Knock yourself out.
Robin: Well, Ted, if you do f*re Druthers, the key is timing. Remember when I had to f*re my makeup artist?
Flasback Robin's work.
Robin: Vicki, um... I'm so sorry about this, but there's been some budget cuts and, um, we have to let you go. I mean, after tonight. I still need my makeup for the broadcast. So... (Robin on TV wearing a lot of make-up.): Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the victims.
End of flashback
Ted: You know what? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna f*re Druthers tomorrow.
Barney: Oh, my God! (barney's holding a painting)
Ted: What?
Barney: Do you know about this?
Ted: No.
Robin: What is that?
Barney: Only the greatest thing ever. Wait, wait, wait-- that's not enough buildup. If they were to cure cancer tomorrow, this would still be the greatest thing to happen all week. Okay. Now you're ready for naked Marshall.
Ted: Oh, my God. This is awesome times awesome. It's awesome squared.
Barney: I know, right? Behind the piano this whole time.
Robin: Wait. If Marshall went to all this trouble to hide it, he clearly doesn't want us to find it.
Barney: Oh, come on, Robin.
Robin: No, I'm saying that he must be really embarrassed by this. We are gonna have so much fun.
Barney: I know! We're gonna have so much fun!
At Ted's work.
Mr Druthers: Oh, sorry I'm late; lunch ran a little long. You wanted to see me, Mosby?
Ted: Uh, yeah, like four hours ago.
Mr Druthers: Well, excuse me, for spending the last four hours drawing designs for your building.
Ted: This is a cocktail napkin. Covered in profanity. Look, Hammond, um, there's no easy way to say this, so... why don't we just, um, step into your office.
The others employees come with a cake and singing.
Employees: Happy birthday to you.
Mr Druthers: Oh, you had me. You so had me.
In Ted's apartment.
Robin: So, you didn't f*re him?
Ted: I can't f*re a guy on his birthday. Everyone would hate me. Besides, they put a party hat on me. My authority was compromised.
Barney: Oh, hey, Marshall. Have a seat. I know how much you love stools.
Marshall: Thanks. Yeah, stools are better for your posture.
Robin: And, uh... I... got you a rose.
Marshall: Thank you. That's so sweet. You guys are being... so sweet.
Barney: Hey, guys. Guess what I got. A new dart.
Robin: Oh, wow, a new dart.
Ted: Hey, that new dart is great.
Robin: I did not know you were such a fan of new dart, Barney.
Barney: Oh, yes, Robin, I just love new dart. Nude art.
Ted: Nude art.
Robin: Nude art.
Marshall: Okay, all right, so what, you guys found the painting, huh?
Lily: I knew this day would come.
Marshall: How did you know that?
Lily: Because I didn't hide it very well.
Flashback. In 1998, lily's on the bad while marshall's playing a videogame.
Ted (voix off): So the story on the painting is that,back in college, Lily wanted to do a nude study for her art class. Marshall wasn't so into the idea.
Marshall: Well, I just... don't think that some dude should drop trou just to pose for you.
Lily: It's for class, and it's just that weird kid Hunter from my freshman hall.
Marshall: The frisbee dude with the soul patch? He's like the hottest guy in school!
Lily: No, he's actually a little husky...
Marshall: Oh, he's just huggable! And complicated... and a little bit of a jerk. Just enough so you think maybe you can change him.
Lily: Okay, just forget it.
Marshall: Call me old-fashioned, I just think that I'm the only guy you should see naked.
Lily: Well, then you'll have to do it.
Marshall: Are you kidding me? What if somebody sees it?
Lily: We're not in high school anymore. People don't make fun of you for posing nude for a painting. We're adults now.
End of flashback.
Barney: We totally saw your butt.
Marshall: This painting has caused too much grief already. I'm destroying it right now.
Barney: Oh, no, what's the matter, Marshall?
Marshall: Where is it?
Barney: I'll tell you where it is if you'll answer these riddles three.
Marshall: You hung it up in the bar, didn't you?
Barney: Yo, why you gotta ruin my riddles?
Ted: Field trip!
Marshall comes running into the bar with the others
Barney: Oh, no. Someone put your painting up behind the bar. Classic! What a memorable prank.
Carl: Hey, Marshall. What'll you have?
Marshall: What'll I have? Um, I don't know, maybe a beer and that nude painting of me hanging behind the bar!
Carl: Ooh, I'm sorry, that painting's property of the bar.
Marshall: I know that Barney gave you that painting.
Carl: I don't know what you're talking about.
Marshall: Whatever he's paying you, I'll pay you double.
Carl: I doubt it.
Marshall: Whatever he's paying you, I'll give you that plus ten bucks.
Carl: I doubt it.
Marshall: All right, you know what, Carl, you just lost yourself a regular customer.
Carl: I doubt it.
Marshall: This painting is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
Robin: Okay, where should we put it up next? In his law school? Ooh on the side of a bus. Oh, oh! How much do billboards cost?
Barney: Easy, Scherbatsky. Finesse. I've got a five-year rollout plan. I'll have you know that painting's got commitments all over the city. Then, after New York...
Marshall runs to the painting, takes it and goes out yelling.
Ted: One of my worst fears has come true-- I just saw Marshall grabbing himself naked. Well, I gotta go. Believe it or not, I have to go back to the office.
Robin: Oh, I'll go out with you. Bye, guys.
Ted and Robin leave. There's only Lily ant Barney left.
Lily: You know, I wish everyone didn't have to make fun of that painting.
Barney: Eh, we're not making fun of the painting, we're just making fun of Marshall. The painting's actually really great.
Lily: Are you serious?
Barney: Yeah.
Lily: Well, thank you. You know, seeing it again makes me miss painting nudes. What?
Barney: Paint me.
Lily: What?
Barney: Paint me.
Ted is at the office.
Voice: Who's that? Who's out there?
Ted: Hammond, is that you?
Mr Druthers: Mosby?
Ted (voix off): Druthers and I were alone in the office. If I was gonna f*re him, this would be the best chance I'd ever have.
Mr Druters: Uh, look, just a second, Ted.
Ted: Uh, no, I, I really need to talk to you. Look, there's no easy way to say... What, what are you doing?
Mr Druthers: What are you doing?
Ted: I'm standing here wearing pants. Are you sleeping here? What's going on?
Mr Druthers: Okay, fine, yes. Not that it's any of your business but my wife had a little spat a few weeks ago, and I've been sleeping here until she cools off.
Ted: Okay, well, uh, you're right-- that is none of my business. Uh, look, there's no easy way to say this-- I...
Mr Druthers: Who am I kidding? She's never gonna take me back.
Ted: It's okay.
Mr Druthers: What did you want to say to me?
Ted: Happy birthday, buddy. So, you've been living at the office?
Mr Druthers: Yes. I'm an architect without a home. You see the tragic irony in that?
Ted: Yeah, I do.
Mr Druthers: Cause I design homes.
Ted: I see it.
Mr Druthers: But I don't have a home.
Ted: Not lost on me at all. But I don't understand, why don't you just go to a hotel? You could be sleeping on a mattress instead of... what appears to be torn-up drawings of my building.
Mr Druthers: Why would I go to a hotel, when any second, she's going to call and tell me to come home. She's a very special lady, Ted. She's quite... mannish. She gives me what I need. Do you understand that?
Ted: Uh, no, I don't.
Mr Druthers: If you were lost in the wilderness, she can provide for me.
Ted: Well, that's the dream.
Mr Druthers: I'm glad you came here tonight, Ted.
Ted: Me too, Hammond.
Mr Druthers: Call me Ham.
Ted: No, thanks.
Mr Druthers: Hammy D?
Ted: No, I think just Hammond.
Robin and Ted are at the apartment. Mr Druthers is on the couch.
Robin: So, I'm guessing you didn't f*re him.
Ted: I was this close.
Ted (voix off): Meanwhile, Lily had been up all night in the grips of a dilemma.
Lily's trying to wake up marshall.
Lily: Oh honey, you're awake?
Marshall: I'm awake. Is everything okay?
Lily: Yeah. I've kind of been wrestling with something. What if I told you I had a way to pay for our honeymoon?
Marshall: Baby, our honeymoon's already paid for. We're going to Howe Caverns.
Lily: Well yeah, but-- but what if we didn't want to spend our honeymoon in a cave?
Marshall: It's not just a cave, it's a whole labyrinth of caves. It's an underground adventure. There's a cave that's so dark that you don't even know you're in there. I mean, we're going to experience a whole new kind of dark.
Lily: Well, what if I found a way to make a little extra money so that we spend our honeymoon not in Howe Caverns, but in Scotland?
Marshall: Loch Ness?
Lily: Yeah. And you know, Edinburgh and the Highlands and Glasgow...
Marshall: Loch Ness. Nessy. Baby, I would love to search for the enchanted creature of the Emerald Loch, but... we can't afford that.
Lily: Maybe we can.
Flashback. Barney and lily are at Mclaren's.
Barney: Paint me.
Lily: Okay, I don't get this. You've been making fun of that painting all this time and now you want me to paint you?
Barney: We knew we could t*rture Marshall because he has shame. I do not. In my body, where the shame gland should be, there's a second awesome gland. True story.
Lily: Yeah, that's not the gland I'm worried about painting.
Barney: Yeah. A nude Barney is a challenge. But I think you're talented enough to immortalize this. Now is the time-- I'm 31. I'm at the peak of my physical beauty. If I were a woman, I'd have passed it long, long ago. Long ago.
Lily: Forget it. I promised Marshall he was the only guy I would ever see naked.
Barney: I'll give you $5,000.
End of flashback. Back to Lily and Marshall.
Marshall: We're going to Loch Ness!
Lily: Yeah!
Ted arrives at the office.
Ted: That cabby would not shut up.
Mr Druthers: Yeah, we should call him a gabby.
Ted: I think it, you say it.
Mr Druthers: Hey, uh... thanks for putting me up last night, buddy. Give 'em hell.
Ted: Morning, team. So, I have given it some thought, and I say we revisit columns.
Mr Druthers: Oh, God, not this again. Ted, a man in a toga just arrived and delivered a parchment. Let me read it: Oh! It's from ancient Greece. They want their basic architectural elements back. Geez.
Ted: What?
Mr Druthers: You didn't hear me? Toga, parchment...
Ted: Can I see you for one second?
Mr Druthers: Ooh, I'm in trouble now.
Ted: What are you doing? I thought we were friends. You slept on my couch, you ate my cereal. I tossed you more toilet paper.
Mr Druthers: We are friends. But that doesn't magically make your bad ideas good.
Ted: What? I don't believe this! You're, you're, you're wearing my clothes! And my
girlfriend's... sneakers, man, you have weirdly small feet.
Mr Druthers: Ted, I hope that you're not going to let our professional woes interfere with our friendship, because I really kind of need you right now.
Lily is with Barney in the room.
Lily: Okay, let's get this over with.
Barney: Hey, hey! I don't want you phoning this in. This painting could, someday, become a serious work of art. I mean, you have been blessed with an amazing gift.
Lily: Thank you.
Barney: I meant me. Now, I like how you captured Marshall's essence. Goofy and unburdened, with wit. But me, I want something more regal. Something my progeny could look at and say, "There's stands Barnabus Stinson." He was wise... and strong.
Lily: I don't think your sword will fit.
Barney: I get that a lot.
Ted (voix off): And so, as Lily began painting, Marshall thought about the $5,000 and what his fiancee was doing to earn it.
Marshall is at the bar with money on his hands.
Marshall: This isn't right. This isn't right at all.
Ted (voix off): Finally, he could take it no more.
Back to the room where lily's painting.
Lily: Hold still. Hold still. Hold still!
Barney: Paint faster!
Lily: Okay, I guess it's time. Drop your shorts.
Barney: Yeah. Wait, wait! That wasn't enough buildup. I need... In a world without justice, one man...
Lily: Oh, just drop them!
Barney: All right.
Marshall comes in.
Marshall: No! No, this is not right!
Barney: We had a deal!
Marshall: Well, I'm going back on the deal. Barney, get out!
Barney: You...!
Marshall: It's over! (he closes the door at Barney's face). (Yelling) Lily, I can't let you go through with this! (whispering) I found a castle we can stay in, but it's an extra two grand. (Yelling) It's just not right! (whispering). It's beautiful and they say it's haunted.
(Yelling) I can't let the woman I love compromise her values for money! (whispering) I totally think we can get some more money out of him. (Yelling) I'm never letting my
fiancee, ever...! (he opens the door) Oh, you're still here?
Barney: Before you say anything, I'll give you an extra five grand.
Marshall: We accept.
Barney: You people are so easy to control. Dance for me, puppets, dance.
Ted (voix off): And that's how Uncle Barney paid for Lily and Marshall's honeymoon.
Ted is at the office.
Mr Druthers: Come on, Ted, listen, why don't we get back and finish drawing the plans for a building which, in my opinion, is never going to get built, so you and I can get out of here and grab a couple of beers.
Ted: No. Look, Hammond, there's no easy way to say this but...
Man: Looking for Hammond Druthers.
Mr Druthers: Oh, that's me. I'm Hammond Druthers.
Man: These are divorce papers. You've been served.
Ted: Oh, God.
Mr Druthers: She's really going through with this. So that's it. It's over.
Ted: There is no easy way to say this, but...
Mr Druthers: She's giving me the remains of Wolfie? My dog is d*ad? Oh, my God. I can't believe this. She always played too rough with him.
Ted: Believe me, there is no easy way to say this...
Men (singing): # Happy birthday to you... #
Ted: You've got to be kidding me!
Mr Druthers: Guys, you have no idea how much this means to me right now.
Ted: Wait, his birthday was yesterday!
Man: Yeah, but a bunch of us were up at the conference in Montreal, so we thought...
Ted: No! No birthday! No! I got something to say and I'm gonna get it out. Hammond, listen to me. I am sorry that your dog died, and that your wife is divorcing you and that... your life is falling apart and that these guys missed your birthday. And there is no easy way to say... What are you doing? What's going on?
Mr Druthers: Oh, God...
Ted: Oh, come on, you're not going to pull that, are you? Oh! Look, yeah, right. Now we're falling onto the ground. Well, nice try, but guess what? You're fired! You're fired, you get it? You hear me? You're gone! You're fired! (Mr Druthers is taken on a stretcher with an oxygen mask on his face.) In my defense, I think we all suspected Hammond might have been faking. On the plus side, the EMTs seem to think he's going to be just fine and, as you saw, they did admit that I did not cause the heart att*ck, even if they said it a bit begrudgingly.
Ted (voix off): And there it was, rock bottom: They all hated me. But just when all seemed lost, I had the greatest idea of my entire career.
Man: Margarita Fridays--great idea, boss.
Lily is still painting
Lily: Okay, it's done. I'm gonna step out, so you can admire it.
Barney: Thank you very much, Lily.
Lily steps out of the room.
Lily: Marshall, do you have the money?
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: Let's get out of here!
Barney: A smooth area?! You gave me the Ken doll?! Marshall and Lily get out of the apartment. She left out Little Barney. Barnacle Junior. My Barnana is... Barnito Supreme.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x13 - Columns"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (voix off): Kids, I told you stories about all the big holidays - Christmas... Halloween... Thanksgiving... but one holiday was always my favorite-- Super Bowl Sunday. And there was one Super Bowl back in 2007 that I will never forget.
They're all at Mclaren's
Ted: Marshall, you're on beer detail. Lily, you're making the bean dip. Uh, Robin, you're on chips and pretzels, and Barney, I'm giving you nothing to do so you can just focus on controlling your gambling problem.
Barney: "Problem." Oh, poor Superman, he should really do something about his flying problem. It's not a problem if you're awesome at it.
Ted: And I will be going to Quinn's to pick up the world's greatest food, the Super Bowl Hot Wings Platter.
Marshall: If I were a chicken, I'd go cannibal for those bad boys. Just eat my own damn wing off. I don't care. I'm crazy like that.
The waitress: Here's the info for tomorrow night.
Ted: What's tomorrow night?
The waitress: Oh, God, you didn't hear? Mark died.
Lily: Oh, my God.
Marshall: Oh, my gosh.
The waitress: The funeral's tomorrow at 6:00, and I know it would have meant a lot to Mark if you came. You guys were his favorite customers.
All: Stay strong. We're so sorry. (the waitress leaves)
Ted: Who was Mark?
Marshall: No idea.
Barney: Not a clue.
Lily: Well, I guess we should go, right?
Marshall: Wait... tomorrow night at 6:00, that's the Super Bowl.
Ted: Okay, I feel terrible, but the truth is we didn't know Mike.
Lily: Mark.
Ted: Mark, and as long as we send flowers, I can't think of any reason we'd have to Carl (at the bar): Get out of here! I never want to see your face in this bar again! This soulless bastard just told me he can't come to Mark's funeral because he wants to watch the Super Bowl. Could you believe that? You guys are coming, right?
All: Yes... Wouldn't miss for the world.
CREDITS
At the apartment they're preparing for the funeral.
Ted: Okay, here's the plan: record the game, go to the funeral, pay our respects to Matt...
Lily: Mark.
Ted: Mark, and start watching only an hour late.
Marshall: Okay, that's great, but just to make sure it records, maybe we should bow our heads and say a quiet prayer to the TiVo gods.
Ted: Almighty TiVo, we thank you for all the gifts you have given us: the power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of Godlike. Let's not forget fast-forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, O magic box, but if you malfunction and miss the Super Bowl, we will destroy you in the
alley with baseball bats.
Marshall: Amen.
Ted: Amen.
Lily: We are not fast-forwarding through the commercials.
Robin: Yeah, they're the best part.
Ted: Oh, come on. Remember last year? Who wants to watch a monkey in a coconut bra order a pizza?
Robin: Oh, my God. This monkey was so cute.
Barney comes into the apartment. He's on the phone.
Barney: Seriously, that's the last time I'm gonna call you today. Okay. Good-bye. You didn't hang up either! I know! You hang up! You hang up! My bookie. Great guy.
Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
Ted: Virtually.
Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Ted: Sartorial"?
Barney: "Of or pertaining to tailors or their trade." Suits are for the living. That's why when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it buck naked. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. What up?!
At the funeral, they all see Mark and remember who he was.
Barney: Such a waste.
Lily: I know. He was so young.
Barney: A hand-stitched, cashmere, double-breasted Dolce & Gabbana. It must be so frightened.
Robin: This is going faster than I thought. We'll make an appearance at the bar for the wake, we'll be watching the game by 8:00.
They're at the bar for the wake.
Carl: And even though we didn't see any whales, Mark and I both said it was the best day of our lives. Okay, I'm getting us another round. And when I come back, everyone else is telling their favorite Mark story.
Marshall: Dibs on the one Carl just told.
Robin: Okay, I have to be at work exactly one Super Bowl from now.
Lily: Oh, let's face it, we're not going to get to watch it. We should just find out the score.
Barney: Oh, thank God! I'll find out.
Ted: No, no, no, we can't! We have to watch the game together. It's tradition. Think of all the great times we've had watching this game.
Flashback. In 2003, they're all watching the Super Bowl.
Ted: Second down, everyone drink.
Barney: Ted, it's not a drinking game if you drink anytime anything happens.
Marshall: Are these chicken wings or angel wings? God, I love these things.
Ted: I love you guys. This is so great, all of us watching the Super Bowl together. This is special. We need to do this every year, promise me!
Marshall: Calm down, buddy.
Lily: Oh, commercials!
Ted: Everyone drink!
In 2004.
Ted: God, this is such a great tradition, all of us watching the game together. How did this start?
Marshall: Hey, Barney, I bet you 20 bucks that Casey misses this field goal.
Barney: I don't bet. Betting's for suckers.
Marshall: Make it like a dollar or something, you know. Who cares? No big deal.
Barney: Fine.
Marshall: See, there you go, he made it. You win.
Barney: Wait. This is mine, just like that? God, that feels good. No, that feels really... good. What else can we bet on?
Marshall: Nothing, it's the halftime show.
Lily: Oh, so lame. Nobody even pays attention. I mean, Janet Jackson, who cares?
In 2006.
Ted: God, how cool is Robin?
Marshall: I can't believe you invited this girl we've only known for a few months to our sacred day. Now she's gonna be in all the pictures.
Barney: Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll give you the Seahawks plus six points for 500 bucks.
Marshall: Are you crazy? Maybe for $50.
Barney: $50?! What fun is $50?! Why don't we just bet air?! God, Marshall! Okay, $50.
Robin: Hey, I'll take that action. Seahawks, but make it four points and make it a grand. Hey, these wings, are they chicken wings or angel wings? Oh, commercials! Monkey with a coconut bra. Hilarious.
End of flashback. Back to the bar.
Ted: Look, we always watch the Super Bowl together. So we make a pact to watch it tomorrow at 6:00 and go the next 18 hours without finding out who won.
Barney: That's impossible.
Ted: I'm not gonna lie to you. It's not gonna be easy. That means no TV, no Internet, no newspapers, nothing. Media blackout. But our tradition lives on. Who's in?
Lily: I'm in.
Robin: I'm in.
Marshall: I'm in.
Barney: What the hell, I'm in. High five!
Ted: Dude, we're at a wake.
Barney: Sorry. Solemn low five.
Ted opens the door of his apartment to take the newspaper.
Ted (voix off): As the day began, none of us had any idea how hard it would be to go nine hours without hearing the outcome of the Super Bowl. I decided to work from home to avoid contamination by the outside world.
Barney comes in
Barney: Hey, take this key and swallow it.
Ted: What? No.
Barney: Come on, Ted, you eat salads. It'll be out by game time.
Ted: Lots more, no.
Barney: I'm not messing around, Theodore. I've got a lot of money riding on this game. If I don't handcuff myself to this radiator, I'll check the score. Please take the key.
Ted: Fine. But only because you didn't think through a bathroom plan and I think that's funny.
Robin at work.
Ted (voix off): The media blackout was particularly hard on Robin because, well, she was the media.
Robin: But unfortunately, the City won't be fixing the unusually large pothole any time soon, so buckle up if you're on the BQE. It's gonna be a bumpy one.
Kevin: Like morning commutes needed to get any harder.
Man: You're right, Kevin.
Kevin: Well, Robin, what do you say? I think it's time to check in with Sid for a sports update.
Robin: No!
Kevin: What?
Robin: No.
Kevin: But it's, uh, time for Sports.
Robin: No, it's not. It's time for Weather.
Kevin: We, we just did Weather.
Robin: Well, weather's pretty fickle, it may have changed. What's it doing out there, Lou?
Lou: Pretty much the same thing it was two minutes ago. Back to you, Robin.
Kevin: Okay, now it's time for Sports.
Robin: No! Let's go to Traffic Todd in the Metro News 1 Gridlock Chopper.
Kevin: Robin, it's time for Sports! Over to you, Sid.
Sid: Thank you, Kevin and Robin. Let's talk about the Super Bowl.
Marshall is in Lily's classroom.
Ted (voix off): Weeks earlier, Marshall had promised Lily he'd come into her kindergarten class for show-and-tell day.
Lily: And he's a little bit double-jointed... And his favorite animal is the Loch Ness monster.
Marshall: Lily, how many times...? Nessie is a gentle creature. We're trying to stay away from terms like "Monster."
Lily: Well, I think we can all agree, he is much more interesting than Sally's one-eyed goldfish. Three weeks in a row? Come on, Sally. Okay, well, that's all the time we have. Arts and crafts, everybody.
Doug: Hey. I'm Doug.
Marshall: Oh, hey, I'm Marshall.
Doug: Are you going to be staying here for the rest of day?
Marshall: Yeah, I'm actually trying to hide out 'cause I don't want to know who won the Super Bowl.
Doug: I know who won.
Marshall: Oh, um, that's great, but I really don't want to know, so if you could just keep that to yourself.
Doug: How badly do you not want to know?
Marshall: Excuse me?
Doug: Ten bucks.
Marshall: Are you serious?
Doug: Just went up to eight.
Ted's place. Barney's still tied up to the radiator.
Barney: Unlock me, Ted. I've never gone this long without calling my bookie. He worries.
Ted: Not until game time.
Barney: Where are you going?
Ted: Pick up the hot wings.
Barney: What? How the hell are you planning on getting in and out of a sports bar without seeing the score? There's TVs everywhere.
Ted: Ah, don't worry. I got it all planned out. First of all: I placed duct tape on a pair of sunglasses so I can only see out of two tiny holes. Next, I constructed blinders out of an old cereal box. Top it all off: high-tech noise-reducing headphones I bought when Marshall and Lily first got back together and were doing it a lot. I call it the Sensory Deprivator 5000.
Ted walks into a sports bar.
Ted: Hello! Uh, my name is Ted Mosby. I'm here to pick up my hot wings. In my hand, you'll find the exact total for the wings plus a generous tip. Please take the cash. Put the wings in my hand and I'll be on my way. Thank you!
Back to Metro News One.
Sid: And that closes the book on one heck of a Super Bowl. Back to you, Kevin and Robin.
Robin has blocked her ears.
Kevin: We'll be right back.
Man: And we're clear.
Robin: I'm sorry.
Woman: Um, Robin, is it just me, or were you doing something different there?
Robin: I haven't watched the game yet. I'm begging you, for the rest of the newscast there can't be any references to who won the Super Bowl. I mean, change the teleprompter. No team names, nothing specific.
Woman: That is crazy. I can't do that.
Robin: My friend Mark passed away this week.
Woman: Okay, sweety okay. Okay, I'm so sorry.
Man: Back in five... four... three...
Robin: It's just so hard.
At the apartment, Barney's trying to free himself from the radiator. He finally does it and runs to the bathroom. 8 minutes and 23 seconds later Ted comes back with the chicken wings.
Ted: Ha! Who's the idiot now?! You said the Sensory Deprivator 5000 was stupid. But it totally worked! (barney leaves and Ted doesn't notice.) I couldn't see or hear anything happening around me. Right?! Right?! (He takes his glasses off) No...!
Ted (voix off): And if that weren't bad enough, I was about to have a horrible realization.
Ted: Where's the dipping sauce?
Marshall is still in lily's classroom. Lily's reading a book.
Doug: The team that won, want to know what their name rhymes with?
Marshall: Come on, dude. You promised you'd stop if I ate all those crayons. Why are you doing this?
Doug: I'm in love with Miss Aldrin.
Marshall: Well, you can't have Miss Aldrin, she's mine.
Doug drops an object and breaks it.
Lily: Okay, now who did this?
Marshall: I did.
Doug: Does that mean Marshall gets a time-out?
Lily: Well, Marshall's a grownup, so...
Doug: When one of us breaks something, we get a time-out.
Lily: Sorry. Marshall gets a time-out.
At Robin's work.
Robin: And after the Super Bowl, the mayor of the losing team's city had to pay up, sending the mayor of the winning team's city 15 pounds of a delicacy his of her city is famous for. Better f*re up whatever type of grill, steamer or fryer one might use to cook that delicacy, Winning Team's Mayor.
Back to lily's classroom.
Doug: Hey. Hey.
Marshall: I'm not talking to you.
Doug: Yes, you are. You'll do whatever I say. Hold your breath.
Marshall: I'm not holding my breath.
Doug: The winning team was the... (Marshall holds his breath) Now here's how this is going to work: you're going to take me to three R-rated movies a week...
Ted (voix off): And then Uncle Marshall got an idea. It was not one he was proud of in retrospect, but desperate times...
Marshall takes a glass of water and throwns it on Doug's pants.
Marshall: Oh, no. Somebody wet their pants.
Doug: No, I didn't.
Marshall: Oh, really? Who's everyone gonna believe? I'm a grownup third-year law student at Columbia and you're just a little pants wetter. So now I ask you a question: You want to be able to quietly sneak off to the restroom and dry off or am I gonna have something for show and tell today? Hey, everyone...
Doug: Okay, okay. You win.
Marshall: I want my money back. And your pudding snack pack.
Barney's running on the street.
Barney: Sir, who won the Super Bowl?
Man: Sorry. I missed the game.
Barney: You missed...?! How could he miss...? Excuse me! Who won the Super Bowl?!
Man 2: I... don't really follow sports.
Barney: Oh, my...! Emmitt Smith! Oh, thank God.
Emmitt Smith: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Barney: You got to tell me, who won the Super Bowl?
Emmitt Smith: The game was last night? You know, once you win two or three of those things, it's kind of like, eh.
Barney: But you're Emmitt Smith. You're a football player, it's Super Bowl Sunday. What could possibly be more important than football?!
Emmitt Smith: Dance, my friend. Dance.
Barney: No...!
Barney's on the knees. Ted walks passed him but doesn't see him with his glasses.
Ted: Hello! It's me again.
Barman: Oh! I didn't recognize you.
Ted: Yeah, you forgot to give me the dipping sauce! Ah. Yes. This is the one.
Ted (voix off): It was 4:00, and so far, all of us had done the impossible. But then, almost simultaneously, things started to go wrong.
Robin's finishing the news.
Robin: And let's end the day on a happy note. There is a new arrival at the Bronx Zoo. Trish Sanchez has the story.
Lily's closing the classroom and Marshall's drinking at a fountain when the cleaner walks there with his radio.
Barney is still in the street looking for the results and he finds kiosk.
Ted's leaving the sports bar.
Man 1: Hey, buddy.
Man 2: Hey, dude, look out.
At the Bronx Zoo.
Trish Sanchez: And in honor of yesterday's big win...
At the sports bar.
Man 1: Hey, buddy, look out.
Man 2: Dude, watch out!
At the Zoo.
Trish Sanchez: ...the zoo decided to name the baby panda after Super Bowl champions...
Robin: No...!
Marshall (at school): No...!
Barney (tearing the newspaper): No...!
Ted falls without dropping the sauce.
Ted: Yes...!
Monday, 18h15, Robin, Marshall and Lily comes into the apartment.
Ted: Awesome. Just in time for kick-off. None of you guys found out the score, right?
Robin: Mission accomplished.
Lily: Didn't find out.
Ted: Great. Let's do it. I already fast-forwarded through the four hours of pre-game coverage. So we are ready. (Barney comes in) Barney, I can't even look at you. I don't want any sign of who won.
Ted: Don't worry, I'm not going to give anything away. Feel free to start without me. Ah...! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! So much money! You screwed it up, Barney! You screwed everything up! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Okay, let's watch the game.
Ted: Barney, what the hell was that? We know who you bet on. Now you've ruined the game for everyone.
Lily: Yeah. Thanks a lot, Barney.
Robin: Way to blow it.
Marshall: Yeah, I didn't know and now I do know.
Ted: There's no point in even watching the game.
Lily: Well, at least the commercials aren't ruined.
Marshall: Wings are still good.
Robin: Beer still works.
Ted: Ah, what the hell. Let's watch Barney lose some money.
Marshall: Hey, so check this out: I got extorted by a five-year-old today.
Robin: I almost got fired today.
Barney: I met Emmitt Smith today.
Lily: Ooh, you go first.
Ted: I tried out the Sensory Deprivator 5000.
Lily: Yeah, go ahead, Barney.
Barney: Well, I was frantically running down the street trying to find out the score to the game...
Ted (voix off): And here's the funny part, as unforgettable as that Super Bowl was, here it is 23 years later and I don't remember who won... Hell, I don't even remember who played. What I do remember is that we drank beer, we ate wings and we watched the Super Bowl together. Because sometimes, even if you know how something's going to end, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ride. We even raised a toast to good old Mike. I mean Mark. Matt. Crap! Why do I keep doing that?
Ted and Barney are at Mclaren's.
Barney: I didn't only lose the game, I lost every single prop bet. Total penalty yardage, number of replay-challenges, coin toss... What are the odds of losing the coin toss?
Ted: 50-50, give or take.
Barney: Interceptions, field-goals, total sacks, whether or not there'd be a safety, first...
Ted puts on his sensory deprivator 5000 and Barney keeps talking..
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x14 - Monday Night Football"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (voix off): Kids, never underestimate the power of destiny. Because when you least expect it, the littlest thing can cause a ripple effect that changes your life. Take for instance my trip to Chicago.
2007. Robin and Ted are running in a airport.
Robin: That security guard was a little bit handsy.
Ted: That's funny. She barely touched me. Uh, Gate 23. Come on. If we miss this flight, I will never forgive myself.
Ted (voix off): Why was this flight so important? Let's back up a few months to the fall of 2006. I had just sold my first building design and become the youngest project manager in my firm's history. Suddenly I was being headhunted. One firm was even considering me to run their entire New York office. They were flying me in for a final interview at their corporate headquarters in Chicago. It was the opportunity of a lifetime. It was my destiny. There was just one problem.
Robin and Ted arrive at the gate.
Ted: Hi, wait, two more.
Woman: Sorry, you're too late, I already shut the doors.
Ted: Well, I'm sure if we pull real hard we can open them.
Woman: Hmm, I wish it worked like that, but see, once I close those doors, that's it. Nobody else is allowed down that jet-way. Except for that guy.
Ted: Please, if-if I miss this flight, I'll miss the chance to interview for my dream job.
Woman: I'm sorry, sir.
Robin: His dream job! Didn't you ever have a dream job? Something from when you were a little girl, that was all you wanted to do? I mean, for God's sakes, I'm sure you didn't go to bed at night dreaming about being a... I mean, uh... This is a cool job.
Ted: Please, I have to be on this flight.
Woman: I'll see what I can do. But it doesn't look good.
Ted: Thanks.
Robin: Your uniforms are pretty.
CREDITS
Woman: Okay. They haven't armed the doors yet, so you still have a chance. It's up to the captain now and they're calling us back.
Ted: Great, please let us know as soon as you hear anything.
Woman: Sure, and for the future, we recommend you arrive at the airport an hour and a half before your flight, not, you know, one minute after.
Ted: Normally, I'm incredibly responsible. I just had to go to court this morning and get sentenced. Not that I'm a criminal or anything.
Rubin: Yeah, he just jumped a subway turnstile.
Woman: You seem to have a lot of problems with the rules of travel. (The phone rings) Hello? Oh, that is great news. It's my mom-- she found her missing earring. Have a seat. I'll call you when I hear something. Where was it?
Ted: That thing better have call waiting.
Robin: Could you just call the firm and explain what happened?
Ted: It's down to three people and I know they need to make their decision today. I sort of feel my not showing up might put me at a disadvantage. I'm so stupid. Why did I have to jump that turnstile?
Robin: Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. And isn't this whole thing really Barney's fault?
Ted (voix off): She had a point. It was kind of Barney's fault. Let's back up a few months.
Flashback. A few months earlier Marshall, Lily, Robin and Ted are at Mclaren's.
Robin: Oh, Marshall, how's the broken toe?
Marshall: Oh, man, it kills.
Lily: You want some aspirin, baby?
Marshall: You know I don't believe in pain K*llers.
Ted: Wow, your first broken bone. Kind of kills your whole "Unbreakable" theory.
Lily: Marshall used to think he was indestructible.
Marshall: Well, it added up. I've never broken anything. I've never been sick, and when I need to, I can summon incredible strength. Ted, tell her the story of the really heavy door.
Ted: There was a really heavy door. He opened it.
Marshall: On one pull.
Robin: Well, you must be really bummed, you're not gonna be able to run tomorrow.
Marshall: Yeah. It sucks, all that work I put in training for the marathon was a total waste.
Barney: Training for a marathon.
Marshall: What?
Barney: You don't need to train for a marathon. You just run it.
Marshall: You're kidding, right?
Barney: Not at all. I could run a marathon anytime I wanted to.
Marshall: So like tomorrow, you think you could wake up, roll out of bed, and just run the New York City Marathon?
Barney: Absolutely.
Robin: Barney, we're talking about 42 kilometers.
Ted: Thanks, Canada. I'll take it from here. Barney, it's like 26 miles.
Barney: Here's how you run a marathon. Step one, you start running. There is no step two.
Marshall:
Okay, you know what? Prove it. Take my number and run in my place. I will bet you 50 bucks you don't even finish the race.
Barney: 50 bucks? Gee, Grandpa, if I win, maybe I can buy myself an ice-cream cone. Make it $10,000.
Marshall: You have a gambling problem. You'll bet me 50.
Barney: Fine, then no bet. Okay, $50.
Ted (voix off): The next morning, as the marathon began, we were focused on Marshall's computer.
Marshall: Each runner gets a tracking chip so you can follow them online, see when they pass certain checkpoints. Barney's got mine in his shoe.
Robin: Ooh, he's starting!
Marshall: This ought to be good. Wow. (48 minutes later) He's already passing the second checkpoint.
Lily: This tracking thing is amazing. When we get married, you're getting one of these.
53 minutes later...
Robin: Wow. Look at his time. It's pretty impressive.
Marshall: He's gotta be cheating, okay. He knew we'd check.
Ted: Yeah, he'll do anything to win a bet. Remember that time he bet me that Men at Work sang "Hungry Like the Wolf," and when he found out that they didn't, he tried to hire them to?
Marshall: Well, it looks like, "Barney" should be coming over the Queensboro Bridge and up First Avenue within the next hour or so. But... there is no way that that's really him.
Ted, Marshall, Lily and Robin are on the course to see if Barney's running.
Marshall: It's really him.
A runner takes lily's water.
Lily: Hey! That's mine. Yeah, you'd better run!
Back to the apartment...
Barney: What up, non-finishers?
Ted: Wow. Very impressive, Barney.
Barney: Right? Yeah, my time would have been like a half an hour better, but I met this total hottie on Mile Seven. We took a quick detour and had our own mini marathon behind a Nathan's. I won.
Lily: I'm not sure anyone in that story is a winner.
Barney: So where's my 50 bucks?
Marshall: All right. I got to admit, you earned this.
Barney: Huh? Can't believe they haven't made a coin for this yet. Anyway, I'm heading home. Might go h*t the gym.
Marshall: Oh, hey, just so you know, uh, all marathon runners get to use the subway for free today.
Barney: Wow. You know I really should check out this "subway." Heard so much about it. Wow. Look at me. Slumming it. Maybe I'll make a weekend out of it and I'll call my bridge and tunnel girl tonight.
Ted: You're dating a girl from New Jersey?
Barney: No.
Barney leaves the apartment...
Ted (voix off): So Barney did it. He actually finished the marathon. But a little while later... I got an interesting phone call.
Ted: Hello?
Barney: Ted, it's Barney. Listen to me, I need you to come and pick me up on the subway.
Ted: What, what are you talking about?
Barney: I was sitting here, totally minding my own business.
Flashback. 2 hours earlier, Barney is sitting on the subway next to two girls.
Barney: Finisher. Yeah, you know what I mean.
Voice: 86th street.
Barney stands up but fell. The Subway continues.
End of flashback.
Barney: My legs don't work. I've already ridden the subway twice end to end. I've seen where it turns around. Ted, you don't ever want to see where the subway turns around.
Ted: (to Marshall) Barney's legs won't work. He's riding the subway from end to end because he physically can't get off the train.
Marshall: Best 50 bucks I ever spent.
Barney: Listen to me, Ted. I'm going to lose you any second. I'm on the fourth car of the six train heading south from Pelham Bay Park in the Bronx. Meet me at the 86th Street station in, like, half an hour?
Ted: All right. I'll be right there. Stay where you are.
Barney: Ted, Ted.
A pregnant woman, on ald lady and a boy in crutches wait for Barney to give up his place.
Woman: Oh, come on. You're not even going to give up your seat for him?
Barney: I'm sorry. I can't.
Old lady: Douche.
25 minutes later, Ted arrives at the station.
Ted: Barney?!
Barney: Ted!
Ted jumpes a subway turnstile A policeman catches him.
Policeman: Hey!
Barney: No...!
End of flashbacks. Back to the airport with Robin and Ted.
Robin: See? If Barney never tried to run the marathon, you never would have jumped that turnstile, you wouldn't have had that court date today, and we would have made this flight.
Ted: You're right. Everything can be traced back to him. Like that rash we all got at Christmas. I have to see what's going on.
Woman: So I was able to get you two seats.
Ted: Really? That's great!
Woman: No, no, not you. I'm talking to my mom about Blue Man Group. Ma, can I call you back?
Ted: Okay, what about our flight? Can we get on?
Woman: I'm still waiting for... Huh. Looks like your flight left already.
Ted: What? No, n-n-n-no, n-no. I have to be in Chicago today.
Robin: Well, he never even called you back?
Woman: Well, it's typical pilot.They don't call you back at work and they don't call you back after you spend two nights with them at a Radisson in Orlando.
Ted (voix off): It turned out there was one other flight that would just barely get me to Chicago on time for my job interview, but it was all the way on the other side of the airport.
Robin: What was the name of the airline again?
Ted: I think it was something like Flights R' Us.
Robin: Was the "R" backwards?
Ted: God, I hope not.
Robin: Geez.
Ted: Stupid smart carts. More like dumb carts.
Robin: If we miss this flight, it's all Barney's fault.
Ted: You know, Barney never would have run the marathon in the first place if Marshall hadn't broken his toe.
Robin: Yeah, so? What, you think this is my fault?
Ted (voix off): For Marshall, the initial idea to run the marathon came way back in April.
April 2006. Marshall and Lily are in the bathroom.
Marshall: My pants are starting to feel a little tight.
Lily: Oh, that's okay. I love that cute little belly.
Marshall: I cannot allow this.
Lily: What?
Marshall: I am going to run the New York City Marathon.
Marshall starts training for the marathon.
Lily: "It is important to load up on carbohydrates two to four hours before a big run. Try a breakfast of a bagel, a banana, oatmeal, strawberries and some orange juice." Here you go, Marshmallow. Just like the book said.
Marshall: Yeah, but from now on, I'm eating all of my breakfast runner-style. Liquids are digested faster. That way, no energy is wasted, and it's all about the run.
Lily: "Don't forget to give yourself plenty of positive reinforcement."
Marshall: This is gonna be your best run yet. You're going to accomplish all of your goals. You are a robot sent from the future to win the marathon! You are... Marshall. You are... Marshall. You are Marshall! Yeah!
Lily: "Chafing or blisters can occur in a number of areas, including the feet, armpits, or even the nipples. Try using some petroleum jelly on the affected areas."
Marshall comes into the apartment scratching himself and goes to the bathroom.
Marshall: Oh, gosh! Dude, you are a terrific runner. Tomorrow you're gonna run and finish the New York City Marathon! You're the best. You look good. Nobody does it better than you.
Robin comes in the bathroom behind Marshall.
Robin: Marshall? Oh, my God!
End of flashback. Back to the airport...
Ted: So, yes, it was your fault. I mean, if you don't show up at the apartment in the middle of the day, Marshall doesn't break his toe, Barney doesn't run in his place, I don't jump the turnstile and get a court date, and we make our flight in plenty of time! (Ted fells) And I don't fall down and bite my tongue at the airport.
Robin: That really wasn't my fault. I wouldn't have walked in on
Marshall if it weren't for Lily. Hey, think about it.
Flasback. Ted and Robin eat while walking on the street.
Robin: Hey, what's going on here?
Ted: Oh, looks like they're camping out for something.
Robin: Yeah, but for what?
Ted: I don't know. Usually there's a Stormtrooper or Klingon in line to give you some indication. "Annual wedding dress blowout. Designer sample dresses up to 90% off. Doors open tomorrow, 8:00 a.m."
Robin: Oh, my God. Can you believe what some nut bags will do to save a few bucks?
Barney, Ted, Lily and Robin are at Mclaren's.
Lily: We have to camp out.
Robin: Are you serious?
Lily: You don't understand. This is an amazing sale. I've heard about it before, but I never knew where it was. We'll have a wedding dress campout. It'll be fun.
Barney: I can't go. I've got this thing.
Lily: What thing?
Barney: A penis.
Lily and Robin arrive at the wedding dress shop.
Robin: This is the place.
Lily: Oh, wow. Badgley Mischka! Melissa Sweet! Vera Wang! Oh, Robin, do you have any idea what you guys stumbled onto here?
Robin: You said wang.
Lily: Oh, this reminds me of the ticket line to Lilith Fair, 1998. Only fewer mullets.
Robin: You should feel good. You're only, like, the tenth craziest bride in New York.
Lily: Ooh, this is comfy. We might actually be able to sleep.
On alarm starts beeping.
Robin: That's kind of annoying.
Lily: Well, I'm sure somebody will be out here to turn it off any minute. (5 hours later) I don't think I can take this. Every time it turns off, I think, oh, maybe it won't turn on again, but then it does. Why does it, Robin? Why does it keep turning on?
Robin: It's gonna be okay, sweetie. Why... Why don't we make a game out of it, okay? Why don't we sing along?
3 hours later, the alarm didnt' turned off.
Lily: If we get through this, I swear I'm gonna live my life differently.
Robin: I just want to tell my parents I love them one more time.
A man comes and shut down the alarm.
Man: Morning, ladies.
Lily: It's him. It's the car guy!
Robin: Get out of here!
All women throw things at him.
Ted (voix off): The next morning, Robin was too tired to go all the way back to Brooklyn, so while I was at work, she went to crash at my apartment for a couple hours, and that's when...
Marshall: Nobody does it better than you.
Robin: Marshall?! Oh, my God! (Marshall falls)
End of flashback. At the airport.
Robin: So if Lily hadn't dragged me down to the wedding dress store, we would have made the first flight.
Ted: Oh, thank God. The doors are still open. We made it. Hi. Please. We really need to get on this flight.
Man: Oh, my God! You're that reporter from Metro News 1.
Robin: Yes, yes, I am. I can't believe you recognized me.
Man: You did that story on the giant pizzas?
Ted: Would you check to see if you have any more seats?
Man: One moment, sir. Were those pizzas real? Come on, were they?
Ted: Robin...
Robin: One second, Ted. Um, you know, a lot of people ask me that. The truth is,
the pizzas were real. - Calzones. Trick photography.
Man: I knew it!
Robin: God, it is so nice to meet a fan! And I would be a fan of your work if you could get us two seats on that next flight.
Man: Well, the, uh, flight attendants are just finishing up their final seat count. Let me see what I can find out.
Ted: Would it help if I got on and gave an impassioned speech about my destiny?
Man: I think it might hurt. This is such a nightmare.
Robin: Okay, so we agree? This goes back to Lily wanting to camp out for a wedding dress?
Ted: No. Wait. It goes back further. Remember why we were eating hot dogs on the East Side?
Flashback. Ted is in the subway.
Ted: 1939?! This penny's from 1939! (at the bar with Robin) A 67-year-old penny. Do you realize this penny was minted during World w*r II?
Robin: Oh, so was my grandfather, but that doesn't make him interesting.
Ted: Look, I know a little something about coins, and this baby is worth something to a collector.
Robin: No, it's not.
Ted: Yes, it is! You know what? I'm gonna take you out to dinner with the money I get for this little guy.
Ted( voix off): And that's exactly what I did.
They're on the street.
Robin: You're lucky there's still a place that serves anything for a dollar fifty.
Ted: Hey, that's 150 times its original value. Actually, the meal was only $1.49. 1984.
Robin: Hey, in 50 years, we can get dinner again.
Ted: How dare you.
Robin: Hey, what's going on?
Ted: I don't know. Looks like they're camping out for something.
Robin: Yeah, but for what?
End of flashback. Back to the airport.
Ted: It was me. I started this. If I hadn't picked up that penny, we wouldn't have gone to get hot dogs all the way across town.
Robin: And we wouldn't have seen that wedding dress store, Lily wouldn't have wanted to camp out there, and I wouldn't have needed a nap at your apartment the next day.
Ted: Marshall wouldn't have broken his toe. Barney wouldn't have run the marathon. I wouldn't have jumped that turnstile, gotten arrested, had that court date...
Robin: And we would have made our flight. I don't think we can go back any further than that unless you know who dropped the penny.
Ted: I wish I did. Though that person's already been punished enough, losing a sweet penny like that.
Man: Uh, sir?
Ted: Oh, please tell me you have some good news.
Man: Uh, I'm afraid not. There are no extra seats on the plane. I'm sorry.
Robin: All, right, well, thanks for trying.
Ted: I can't believe this. That's it, it's over.
Robin: Ted, come on. Your destiny just wasn't to make it to Chicago today. Anyway, if that firm really wants you, they'll reschedule.
Ted (voix off): But that's not what happened. They didn't reschedule. They hired someone else. And as it turned out, three months later, that guy ended up having to relocate to Chicago. Kids, funny thing about destiny, I thought I was destined to get that job. But I was wrong. My destiny was to stay in New York. Because if I hadn't, I never would have met your mother.
Barney is still in the subway and three guys steal his medal.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x15 - Lucky Penny"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (voix off): Kids, the key to a good relationship is communication. You need to talk.
Ted and Robin are et the bar.
Robin: How about Mimi's?
Ted: Nah, I don't really feel like Mimi's.
Robin: Well, I'm hungry. Let's just pick a place and go.
Ted: Oh, you know where we should go? Cynthia's. You love that place, remember what a great time we had the last time we were there?
Robin: We did?
Ted: Yeah, yeah. We had that crazy waiter who kept going, "You two should get married! You two should get married!"
Ted (voix off): It's also important to know when to stop talking.
Ted: Come on. Then we stepped outside. It was raining. It was so romantic? How can you not remember this?
Robin: Because it wasn't me.
Ted: Oh, right! It was... my sister.
Ted (voix off): You see, by the time you've h*t your late 20s, you've dated a few people, but when you're in a relationship, it's common courtesy to pretend that you haven't.
Ted and Robin are at the apartment.
Ted: Oh, my God, Van Helsing is on. Remember when we went to see it? We sat in the back row.
Robin: I've never seen Van Helsing.
Ted: That's right. I saw it with my sister.
Robin: My boss just got back from Maui. He said it was really romantic.
Ted: Oh, it's so romantic.
Robin: When were you in Maui?
Ted: I... went... with my sister.
Robin: With my sister. Why do you always say that? Look, we're not 16. We've both dated other people. It's silly to try to act like we didn't.
Ted: You're right. We should just be honest.
Robin: Totally.
They're back at the bar.
Ted: See that girl over there? Three years ago, I totally made out with her.
Robin: I don't want to hear that.
Ted: What? You said...
Robin: God, that is so insensitive.
Ted: Remember honesty...?
Robin: You're a jerk!
Ted: Well, you're...confusing.
CREDITS
Marshall is at the bar with Barney.
Marshall: Okay, so you have to have sex with one. Either classic mermaid; bottom half fish, top half human, or inverted mermaid, top half fish, bottom half human. Go!
Barney: I don't know. Is she fat?
Marshall: Yeah, but it's a fish, so it's the good kind of fat.
Lily: Hot off the presses!
Barney: I-I don't take flyers.
Marshall: You took one two seconds before you walked in here.
Barney: That's different. It was for a strip club. Two bucks off wings. How much is your flyer going to save me on wings?
Lily: Fine. It's a flyer from my play.
Barney: Oh, Lily, I'd love to, but we're not in college and I'm not trying to sleep with you. So anyway, this mermaid...
Marshall: Hey, Lily's friend asked her to be in this play, and it's gonna be really good.
Barney: Lily, I love you, but we're too old for this. Asking someone to come see your play is like asking someone for a ride to the airport or to crash on your couch or to help you move. Call a cab, book a room, hire some movers and repeat after me: Friends don't let friends come see their crappy play.
Ted: Okay, first of all, I've thought about it and top half fish. Second of all, we need you guys to decide something for us.
Barney: Yes, you should break up.
Ted: So, earlier tonight...
Flashback. Ted and Robin are on the couch.
Robin: Mm, we should get down to the bar.
Ted: I know we should, but you just look so sexy in my red sweatshirt.
End flashback.
Barney: Oh, God, why is this part of the story?
Ted: We're getting to it.
Flashback.
Robin: Damn, my face is so dry. Is there any moisturizer around here?
Ted: Yeah, there's some in the bathroom. Got to moisturize! Got to keep that pretty face moist.
End flashback.
Lily: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Barney: What's wrong with her?
Marshall: She hates that word.
Barney: What word, "moist"?
Lily: No! Seriously, stop!
Robin: So, anyway, Ted goes into the bathroom to get the moist... face lotion...
Flashback.
Robin: Wow, this is great stuff. Now I know the secret to your great complexion.
Ted: What are you talking about? It's yours.
Robin: No, it's not.
Ted: Oh, well... then I guess it's Lily's.
End flashback.
Lily: No, it's not.
Flashback.
Robin: Whose moisturizer is this, Ted?
Ted: Um, my sister's.
Robin: So, in other words, some girl you went out with.
Ted: Um... I love you.
Robin: Disgusting. You let me put on the same moisturizer as one of your exes?
End flashback.
Lily: It was probably Carla's. Her face was a train wreck.
Marshall: I'm don't think Ted was dating her for her face.
Ted: Thank you, Marshall. Thank you so much.
Flashback.
Robin: Why is that still in your apartment?
Ted: I don't know. I just never threw it out.
Robin: Well, why not? Do you still have feelings for this girl?
Ted: Yeah. I'm madly in love with her, and the only way I can deal with it is by holding onto a three-dollar tube of lotion.
Robin: Not three dollars! Try 14.
Ted: Why is this such a big deal?
Robin: Because I don't want to use some whore's moisturizer!
Ted: Whoa, she wasn't a whore.
Robin: Well, she's leaving expensive lotions all over town. It sounds like a whore to me. What else do you have from old girlfriends just lying around?
Ted: Nothing. That's it. Well, except for the phone booth. And the lamp by the desk... and the...
Robin: No. No! No! Oh, Ted!
End flashback.
Lily: Ah, the age-old question: after you break up with someone, what do you do with the stuff?
Robin: Question? Ain't no question, girl. Obviously, he's got to get rid of it.
Ted: Which is obviously crazy and obviously, I'm not gonna do it.
Robin: So we agreed that we would let you guys decide.
Ted: Yeah, like we did with Marshall's pants.
Barney: Ah, the 2005 landmark case of Lily v. The Joey Buttafuoco Pants.
Flashback. Marshall comes in with pants.
Marshall: Nice, right?
Robin: I'm gonna have to say no. I don't want some 16-year-old
girl falling in love with you and then sh**ting Lily in the face.
Lily: Yes!
Barney: I vote they can stay. "Check out the jackass in the parachute pants" is a good icebreaker.
Marshall: Ted. Ted? Ted?
Ted: Sorry, buddy, it's a "no" for me, too. Oh, and by the way, Bel Biv Devoe called. Even they don't want those pants back.
End flashback.
Marshall: They were insanely comfortable! They were like pajamas you could wear outside.
Barney: Marshall, it's over. We even gave you an appeal and they didn't look any better with combat boots.
Lily: All right, well, let's hear the arguments. Ted, you go first.
Ted: Okay. The fact that I still have things from ex-girlfriends is no big deal. I mean, when I see the phone booth on the piano, I don't think of Jeannie Radford, I think of the good times I had backpacking through Europe. And when I see the lamp, I don't think of Allison Moses. I remember when I was broke, just out of college, and I really needed a lamp. And when I see that throw pillow, I don't think of Lauren Stein. I think of that weird orange-brown stain and how it got there.
Marshall: Creamsicle and turkey gravy, not at the same time.
Robin: Well, that's adorable, but from now on, when I walk into the apartment, here is what I will see.
The phone booth turns into Ted's ex-girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend 1: I'm Ted's college girlfriend. He made me 12 mix tapes. How many has he made you?
The lamp turns into Ted's ex-girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend 2: He calls you "sweetie pie"? He called me "sweetie pie."
The pillow turns into Ted's ex-girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend 3: I'm stupid, but my rack is bigger than yours.
Ted: Really? You can't look at a pillow without seeing my ex-girlfriend-- a pillow!
Robin: Yes, Ted, the fact that you still have that pillow is creepy and gross.
Ted: You're creepy and gross.
Robin: Your mom's creepy and gross.
Lily: Order! Order! I got to side with Robin. She's your girlfriend, and if the stuff upsets her, you got to get rid of it.
Marshall: I've got to side with Ted. Just 'cause you still have something an ex girlfriend gave you doesn't mean you're holding onto her.
Ted: All right, Barney. It all comes down to you.
Barney: I side with Robin.
Ted: What?
Barney: Ted, your place is too cluttered. It's like you're living in a Bennigan's.
Robin: Or a Danby's. What, they don't have Danby's in the US? Really? Well, then were do you get Grizzly Paw ice cream sandwiches?
Ted: Just stop, sweetie.
Ted is getting rid off his ex-girlfriends stuff.
Ted (voix off): So I had no choice. I packed up everything I had gotten from ex-girlfriends. It was painful, but not as painful as what I had to endure later that night. New York is famous for its theater, but there's many different levels. There's Broadway, off-Broadway, off-off-Broadway, homeless people screaming in the park, and then below that, the play Aunt Lily was in.
Ted, Robin and Barney arrive in the room where Lily's going to play.
Robin: Eight flights, of stairs. Who puts a theater up eight flights of stairs? What kind of building is this?
Barney: From the smell of it, I'm guessing a urine factory.
Ted: Where do you guys want to sit?
Barney: I know where I don't want to sit.
Marshall (in the front row): Guys, four together!
Barney: I brought a bag in case anyone needs to puke.
Robin: Come on. It's not gonna be that bad.
Barney: No? Okay.
The lights turn off and the play starts.
Man 1: I... am... Rage!
Woman: I... am Greed.
Lily: I am Rage... Envy!
Barney: I am outta here.
Marshall: No, you're not. You have to stay.
Lily: This is the face of Consumerism!
Marshall: Oh, my God. Ted's part of the play.
Man 2: Hello, Greed, Rage...Envy... and Consumerism. I... am your father... America!
3 hours later the play is over.
Marshall: Oh, baby, that was wonderful!
Ted: Totally, I had no idea Greed was the k*ller.
Robin: And when it became a play within a play, I was, like, "Now we are really cookin'!"
Barney: Wow, Lily, that sucked!
Marshall: Barney!
Barney: What? It was terrible. I mean, come on. You guys agree, right? Hey, sorry, I'm just being honest 'cause, you know, we're friends.
Lily: No, friends make each other feel good. They build each other up and support them. That's what being a good friend is about.
Barney: Yeah, if you're a Smurf.
Lily: You know if you did a play, I would sit through the whole thing and I would compliment you on it afterwards.
Barney: Oh, really? You would?
Lily: Yes.
Barney: Bad move, Aldrin, bad move.
Man: We'll be starting our Q&A with the director-- yours truly-- in five minutes right here. Barney runs out
Robin and Ted arrive at Ted's apartment.
Robin: Can you believe Barney said that about Lily's play?
Ted: I know. He can be really insensitive.
Robin: It was pretty bad, though.
Ted: Oh, my God, it was so bad.
Robin: Oh, my God, you've been robbed!
Ted: Nope.
Robin: All that stuff was from old girlfriends? Don't you buy anything for yourself?
Ted: What can I say? Papa gets swag.
Ted (voix off): And that should've been the end of it. But the next day...
Ted is walking the dogs with Robin.
Ted: You know, at first I was really bummed about getting rid of all my stuff. But seeing how happy it makes you - totally worth it.
Robin: Mm, that's kind of how I feel when I begrudgingly have sex with you when I'm really tired.
Ted: Exactly. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team. Well, sit. Sit, yeah. So you never keep anything your ex-boyfriends gave you?
Robin: Nope. Well, except for my dogs.
At Robin's apartment.
Ted: So I had to get rid of everything from my past relationships because you don't keep things from your past relationships except, uh, where are your five dogs from? Oh, that's right: your past relationships.
Robin: What's your point, Ted?
Ted: Well, you know how you said you come over to my apartment, and all you can see are my ex-girlfriends?
Robin: What, so when you look at my dogs, all you see is my ex-boyfriends?
Ted: I do now.
Robin: That's ridiculous.
Ted: I thought you said you got rid of everything your ex-boyfriends gave you. Well, yeah, but not my dogs.
Ted: You said everything.
Robin: But not living things.
Ted: Well, tell that to the rare Bolivian cactus I threw away.
Robin: Things with a heartbeat can stay.
Ted: Enjoying this?
Robin: Pickles, go get your ball. Go get your ball.
Ted: Just admit it. It was a little hypocritical of you to make me get rid of all my stuff.
Robin: Well, what do you want me to do, Ted? Get rid of my dogs?
The dog turns into a man.
Man: Guess what position we did it in.
Ted: Yes. Yes, I want you to get rid of your dogs.
Robin: Um, no.
Ted: Really? Well, I say we take it to the group, but I don't like your chances.
They're all at the bar.
Marshall: She's not getting rid of the dogs.
Lily: What's the matter with you?
Barney: Even I wouldn't do that.
Robin: Yes!
Lily: You can ask somebody to get rid of their iguana after it poops in your hair, but not their dog.
Marshall: I miss Jebediah.
Barney: Oh, I almost forgot. Flyers for my new play.
Lily: Very funny.
Barney: Oh, it's not a joke. It's my one-man show premiering tomorrow night. And even though it's terrible and excruciatingly long, I expect you all to be there since we're such good friends.
Lily: Oh, we'll be there.
Barney: Unless, of course, you just want to admit that you were wrong...
Lily: Never.
Barney: Good. Okay, I gotta go rehearse. Oh, I almost forgot. Bring a poncho; the first three rows get wet.
Robin and Ted are in Robin's apartment.
Robin: I'm sorry I didn't tell you where the dogs came from.
Ted: I'm sorry I asked you to get rid of them. That was ridiculous.
Robin: So we're-we're okay?
Ted: Yeah, we're great.
Ted (voix off): And I thought we were, but just as it did in the seventh act of Aunt Lily's play, Jealousy reared its ugly head.
Robin has one of her dog in her knees but Ted sees a man instead.
Man: Oh, yeah, that's the spot.
Robin and Ted are kissing on the bed when a man (dog) interrupts them.
Man: Dude, I gotta pee.
Ted: I gotta go.
The g*ng is at Barney's play.
Lily: Oh, he's really having trouble dealing with this, huh?
Robin: Yeah, he really is. It's got me thinking, maybe I should get rid of my dogs. Might be time to send them to the farm.
Lily: You're gonna k*ll your dogs?!
Robin: No! No, no, no, there really is a farm. My aunt has a farm upstate.
Lily: Oh, thank God. Aw, you know, if I were five dogs, I'd rather live on a farm than in an apartment in Brooklyn.
Robin: Yeah. I could visit them on weekends. My aunt is awfully lonely up there. It's just her and her lover, Betty.
Lily: Oh, that's perfect. They love dogs.
Robin: "They"? What do you mean by "they"?
Lily: Uh... uh.... uh... People upstate. Oh, look, it's starting. Shh!
Marshall: Are you sure you're gonna be okay? I mean, you know that this is gonna be...
Lily: I know, but I'm gonna sit through the whole thing, and I'm gonna say something nice about it afterwards. You know why? Because that's what friends do.
Barney's play starts.
Barney: Moist. Moist. Moist. Moist.
Ted (voix off): That was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.
Barney: Moist.
Ted (voix off): And then we endured about 20 minutes of this.
Barney sh**t at Lily with a water g*n.
Barney: I have to go refill. I'll be back in a moment. Play's not over.
Marshall: I never get picked for audience participation.
Ted (voix off): And then it just got weird.
Barney: Feelings. Inside. Oh, no!
Ted (voix off): And when that didn't work...
Lily: Okay! Stop! You win. Fine. Barney, I'm sorry I made you come to my show.
Barney: Thank you, Lily. Is there anything you'd like to say about my show?
Lily: No. No, I have nothing nice to say about your show. You were right, Barney. Let's go to the bar.
Barney: Yes! I win! I love winning! Oh, Lily. Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily. I was just getting
warmed up, man!
Lily: Well, I imagine it was pretty awful, so let's go.
Barney: Pretty awful? Pretty awful?! It was a masterpiece of awful. It's genius how bad it is. I kind of wish you guys could see it.
Lily: Yeah, well, anyway.
Barney: Act two is where I really h*t my stride. Spoiler alert: the robot falls in love. Lily: How about this, Barney? How about we stay and-and watch the rest of your show?
Barney: It's your funeral. Five, six, one, two.
Ted (voix off): So we stayed and let Barney t*rture us for another hour and a half, 'cause that's what friends do, apparently.
Ted is about te enter in his apartment.
Robin: Hey.
Ted: Where've you been? I called you earlier.
Robin: I gave my dogs away to my aunt.
Ted: You what?
Robin: Yeah. Just for a few months as a test run, but... I think it's for the best.
Ted: Wow. Oh, man.
Robin: Can we go inside?
Ted: Uh, no. Uh, let's go to the bar.
Robin: Why? What's going on inside?
Ted: Um, the floors are gone.
Robin: What?
Ted: Yeah. I-I sent them out to get, um, fixed. This is a terrible lie. I'm just going to bail.
Robin walks into the apartment and Ted brought back all his ex-girlfriends stuff.
Ted: I didn't know you were getting rid of the dogs!
Robin: You said you threw all that stuff away!
Ted (voix off): Kids, this was the worst fight Robin and I ever had. It was one of those fights that last for hours and you start to get woozy and lose track of what you're fighting about. We fought for so long, seasons changed outside the window. Pages of the calendar blew off. It was crazy. But, ultimately, and I couldn't tell you how for the life of me, but somehow we got to here.
Robin: We're really doing this?
Ted: Yeah.
At the bar...
Ted and Robin: We're moving in together!
During Barney's play...
Barney: The robot found love Confusing my circuitry My software's been hacked Toaster oven You're the one for me Two, three, four.
Marshall stand up and slaps Barney.
Marshall: That's two.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x16 - Stuff"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted and Marshall are in a car.
Ted: This is awesome.
Marshall: I can't believe this moment's finally here. One more mile and my little boy turns 200,000.
Ted: Your baby Fiero's grown into a really old man Fiero. And just like an old man, he leaks fluid, smells stale, makes weird noises out the back.
Marshall: Yeah, he does. Hey, light up those cigars in the glove compartment. They're real Cubans. I got 'em in Chinatown last year just for this moment.
Ted: Uh, Marshall, I'm not saying you were definitely ripped off, but these are chopsticks wrapped in napkins.
Marshal: What are you talking about?
Ted: Whoa, pothole. The car stops.
Marshall: What? No. Oh. No. No, no, no. No, there's only.8 miles to go. Come on, buddy. Buddy!
Ted: Is it cool if I still light these?
CREDITS
Ted (voix off): Kids, sometimes life forces us to be someone we didn't want to be. When that happens, we often try to hold on to a little piece of who we were. Maybe a tattoo. Or a piece of jewelry. A tiny souvenir that reminds us, "This is who I really am." Marshall's souvenir was not so tiny, but the more he found himself being pushed toward the corporate world and away from his dream of saving the environment, the tighter he held on to that Fiero.
Ted and Marshall are in a garage.
Ted: Hey. One good thing: we're off the hook for the folding party today.
Marshall: Hey. It's very important to both Lily and me that there be a handmade origami crane in each of our wedding's... I couldn't even get through it. Thank God.
Ted: Hey, your car's going to be fine. This is the best auto shop around. Look at this certificate. One of the mechanics here finished a 64-ounce steak.
Lily, Robin and Barney arrive at the garage.
Lily: Surprise.
Robin: We felt bad that you guys were missing the super-fun origami folding party, so... we suggested moving it here.
Barney: We insisted.
Ted: Terrific.
Barney: How's the Fiero?
Marshall: She's still in triage.
Ted: She? I thought it was your little boy.
Lily: Oh, it goes back and forth. It's sort of a tr*nny car.
Robin: How long have you had her... slash him?
Marshall: My brothers handed it down to me when I was 16.
Robin: Oh, how nice of them.
Marshall: Not really.
Flashback. Marshall is in the front of his house with his brothers.
Brother 1: Congratulations.
Brother 2: The Fiero is yours. If you pass the final test.
Marshall: Come on! I already shaved my legs and swallowed five dollars in quarters. Only $4.50 has come out.
Brother 1: Just go to the Weinerburger drive-thru and get us 12 cups of coffee.
Marshall: That's it?
Brother 2: Oh, yeah. But we get to decide what you wear.
Marshall: Agreed. Totally agreed.
Marshall is in a drive-in naked in his car.
Man: You're naked.
Marshall: I'm aware of that.
Man: You have 50 cents?
Marshall: No... Look, can I just have my coffee, please?
Man: Sorry, we're all out of trays and lids. Two tall guys just came through here a few minutes ago and bought 'em all.
Marshall puts the cups of coffee in the car, then his brothers jump at him to scare him, so Marshall stops the car and because of it all the cups of coffee fall on him and it burns him.
End of flashback.
Ted: And that is the origin of Marshall's insane "no food or drinks in the Fiero, not even groceries" rule.
Marshall: It is not insane.
Lily: Barney. That's like the third one in a row that you've screwed up.
Barney: Well, I'm trying, but it's...
Lily: Look. You fold twice to the middle, fold back and forth, pull the ends out, flip over, open the flaps, fold the edges, crease the front, fold in half, fold the wings down, push in the bottom corners, and fold the wings back out. Or would you like one of my kindergartners to show you?
Barney: Wait, wait, wait. Wait, I think I've got it.
Lily: No. Forget it; the paper's too expensive. You're out.
Barney: Aw, nerts.
Ted: The food rule is insane. We could have died because of it. Remember the 100K fiasco?
Marshall: Ah, the Fiero-asco.
Ted: Dude, I told you that doesn't work. It's the 100K fiasco.
Robin: What's the 100K fiasco?
Marshall: The Fiero-asco?
Ted: It was just before winter break our freshman year of college. Marshall and I were roommates, but we weren't really good friends yet.
Marshall: I thought Ted was a little bit pretentious.
Ted: And Marshall was a total slob.
Flashback. College. Marshall comes in the room while Ted's on the bed reading.
Marshall: Hey (Marshall throws a sandwich in the trash but misses it) I'm driving my Fiero back over break. I know we see enough of each other as it is, but if you want a ride, I could use the gas money. You live in Ohio, right? I could swing through and pick you up.
Ted: All right, first of all, my parents live in Ohio. I live in the moment. Plus, Karen and I haven't seen each other since Thanksgiving. We're both really invested in making this long-distance thing work, so...
Marshall: All right, well, call me if you change your mind. My odometer's going to h*t 100K.
Ted: She'd be so bummed if I left early.
In Marshall's car...
Ted: It was totally mutual. I mean, Karen brought it up first, but I... it was... it was totally mutual.
Marshall: I hear you.
Ted: So what's up with you and Lily? Anything serious
Marshall: Yeah. Dude, we're college freshmen. I'm not going to get tied down by the first chick I hook up with. Lily's cool, but this bird you'll never chain, you know?
Ted(voix off): The next few hours of our drive were classic road trip.
Ted: So... this song.
Marshall: Oh, it's the best song in the world. It's the only song I like. Just kidding. Tape's been stuck in the player for, like, two years. Better than nothing, though.
Ted: Maybe. I am so... sick... of this song.
Marshall: Don't worry. It comes around again.
Ted: What do you mean?
Ted and Marshall singing: Just to be the man who walks 1,000 miles And falls down at your door...
Marshall: Yeah, we totally nailed the ending.
Ted: That was probably our best one. Hey, you want to play Zitch Dog?
Marshall: What?
Ted: Uh, it's a car game. Every time you see a dog, you got to be the first one to say, "Zitch dog." I'm pretty good, so...
Marshall: Zitch dog.
Ted: Well, no, I didn't know we had...we'd started, but... Okay, that's cool. You got the first point.
Marshall: Zitch dog.
Ted: Zitch dog. Damn it!
Ted: Are we still playing? 'Cause I wasn't... I wasn't really...
Marshall: 12-nothing.
Marshall's sleeping and Ted driving.
Ted: Marshall. Marshall.
Marshall: Zitch dog, blue Suburban.
Ted: Damn it!
Marshall: 18-nothing.
Ted (voix off): Then Marshall, who was so busy cheating at Zitch Dog, got us totally lost.
Marshall: Where the hell are we?!
End of flashback. In the garage.
Marshall: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. I think you skipped something.
Barney: Really? Seems impossible.
Flashback. Ted's driving the car...
Ted: Hey, we got some time. What do you say we get off the highway, take the road less traveled, you know? Robert Frost.
Marshall: Doesn't seem like a smart idea.
Ted: Too late. I'm taking this exit. Who's not fun enough now, Karen?
Marshall: Then we got lost. Where the hell are we?! I'm pulling over.
Ted: No, keep driving.
Marshall: We're almost out of gas, and we might not even be on a road anymore.
Ted: It's below zero out. If we pull over, we could be snowed in for days. Plus, I only have, like, six granola bars and three bottles of water.
Marshall: Nah, I threw them out.
Ted: What?!
Marshall: No food or drink in the Fiero.
Ted: No food or drink in the F...? You haven't washed your sheets since... (Voix off): Thus began the longest night of our lives.
Marshall: Pretty sure that my foot is frozen solid.
Ted: Marshall... there's a very real chance that we're gonna be snowed in here for days. If I die first, do whatever you need to survive. Eat my flesh. Slice me open like a tauntaun, whatever.
Marshall: Thanks, Ted. You're a good friend. And if I die first, you just leave my body alone.
Ted: What? I just said you could cut me open and crawl inside me.
Marshall: Yeah, don't do any of that stuff to me; it skeeves me out.
Ted: But... but you're d*ad, and I'm gonna die if I don't.
Marshall: Wasn't an easy decision.
Ted: This is all because of your insane no-food rule.
Marshall: It's perfectly rational.
They start fighting.
Ted: Hey! My spectacles! Hey. I know we're low on gas, but can we turn on the heat for just a minute?
Marshall: Okay. Dude... I hate to say this... but it's so cold... there's only one way that we're gonna make it through this night.(they're both in the back seat in each other arms) We should've kept driving.
Ted: Come on, Marshall.
Marshall: No. No. We might die now. I may never see Lily again. I never told anybody this, but... I've known for a long time that I'm gonna marry that girl. If we survive this, someday I'm gonna marry her. I'm sorry about your spectacles.
Ted: That's okay. They were decorative. Hey, Marshall.
Marshall: Yeah?
Ted: Are you still thinking about Lily?
Marshall: Yeah.
Ted: Please stop.(voix off) And so Marshall and I thought we were gonna die out there in the middle of nowhere. But funny thing...
Ted and Marshall are sleeping in the car which is next to a hotel. A man knocks onthe window.
Man: Hey. You lovers better just keep on driving.
Marshall: Zitch dog!
Ted: Damn it!
End of flashback. In the garage...
Lily: You said you were gonna marry me that long ago? That is so sweet.
Ted: That trip is when Marshall and I became best friends.
Barney: With privileges, from the sound of it.
Mechanic: Eriksen. (Marshall follows the mechanic)
Barney: Wow. Looks like he really needs a hug. Ted.
Marshall: He said it would be at least 3,000 bucks to make it run again. And even then, there's no guarantee.
Ted: Well, it's a pretty old car.
Robin: Yeah. You can keep prolonging its life, but it's really mostly machine at this point.
Marshall: I know that it's a lot of money, but it's my Fiero, you know? I'm about to graduate and take some sellout corporate law job, and without that Fiero, I'm just another guy in a suit.
Barney: How dare you...
Robibn: Hey.
Marshall: I've been through so much in that car. The suicidal cat.
Marshall are kissing in the car when a cat jumps in the roof.
Marshall: Hitchhiking Waldo. (a guy is sitting between Barney and Marshall in the car)The homeless guy who broke in through the window and threw up all over the backseat.
Robin: Lily, don't. Be strong. Do not go all "prisoner's dilemma" on me.
Lily: The car's on its deathbed, Robin. I have to clear my conscience.
Marshall: Guys, what are you talking about?
Lily: Okay. Shortly after we met Robin, she and I were jonesing for Thai food from this one place.
Flashback. In Ted's apartment...
Robin: An hour and a half delivery. We can't wait that long.
Lily: I wish we could take the Fiero, but Marshall has this insane no-food rule.
Robin: But Thai food, Lily. Pad Yum Mao. Tom Kai Gah. Thai See Ran.
Lily: Oh! You're just saying random syllables, and it still sounds delicious. Okay. Here's what we'll do. We'll drive over, pick it up, have them double-bag it, very carefully drive it back here with the windows open, and he'll never know. (Lily slows down the car and knock down the food). Wow, these brakes are really sensitive. Oh, Marshall is gonna k*ll me! This and the difference between "affect" and "effect" are the only two things he's really serious about.
Robin: Lily, it's gonna be fine.
Lily: No, it's not. Marshall's gonna freak. Oh, God, oh, God. What are we gonna do? Oh, God, oh...!
Robin: Shut up! Now, listen to me. The clock is ticking. Okay, first thing, we scoop up all these little pieces of tofu and cabbage. Next, what we need to take care of are the really messy parts-- the pools that have collected. We got to soak that soup up. Last is the smell. We got to cover up that Tom Kah Gai. You mentioned cigars.
Lily: There's two in the glove compartment, but he's been saving them.
Robin: Hand me those chopsticks. Hey, how about some tunes? Oh, great song.
Lily: These cigars aren't helping at all.
Robin: Yeah. This was a terrible idea.
Lily: Now it just smells like a homeless guy threw up in here. End of flasback.
Marshall: The broken windows?
Lily: We had to make it look realistic.
Marshall: Why did you break two of them?
Robin: It looked like fun when she did it. So I wanted to try.
Marshall: Can't believe this whole time it was you guys. I've been blaming really tanned dancing leotard guy.
Lily: Marshall, I'm so sorry, but sharing that secret-- that's when Robin and I became best friends.
Mechanic: Wow. What a special car. So, can I crush it into a little cube yet?
Marshall: I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Barney: Come on, Marshall. This is your Fiero. You know the rightthing to do here.
Robin: Wow, Barney, why do you love that car so much?
Barney: Love it? Hold on a second. Love it? I hate it!
Lily: What? Why?
Barney: Why? Why? Why?! Why?!
Ted: Let me tell it. It was last year during the transit strike.
Flasback. Barney comes into Ted's apartment.
Ted: Hey.
Barney: Hey. Uh, is Marshall around? I have a massage in Queens in half an hour. I need a ride.
Ted: Uh, no, he's at the library all day. Just take the keys.
Barney: Hey! Why don't you drive me? It'll be like a total road trip.
Ted: To Queens?
Barney: Yeah, we'll get, we'll get beef jerky, Triscuits.
Ted:Uh, actually I have a lot of work to do, so.
Barney: Okay. Well, anyway, I'll cancel. See you later.
Ted: Wait! You know how to drive, right?
Barney: What, of course I know how to drive. I love driving. Hitting the road. Cruising the lanes. And braking. Honking. Love it. Except for lady drivers. Don't get me started on lady drivers.
Ted: Which pedal's the gas?
Barney: Trick question.
Ted: No, it's not
Barney: Yes, it is.
Ted: No, it's not.
Barney: Middle, left, right? I never learned how to drive! I grew up in the city. I never had a chance.
Ted: Well, guess what? You're getting your chance. Because I'm going to teach you. Barney Stinson, buckle up.
Barney's driving and Ted's teaching him.
Barney: This isn't right. God never meant for us to travel at such breakneck speeds.
Ted: Relax. You're doing great. Ignore the old lady on the rascal; this isn't a race.
Barney: Dude, a dog.
Ted: Zitch dogs, this. Or nothing.
Barney: What do I do? Tell me what to do, Ted.
Ted: Step on the brakes. Sometime in the next 20 minutes.
Barney: Which? Which one's the break again?
Ted: The left one.
Barney: Left. Oh, man, left. I'm totally blanking.
Ted: Make the Ls
.Barney: Oh, we're not going to make it.
Ted: Why did you just turn on the radio?
Barney: I don't know why I turned on the radio! We're going to die. Tell me what to do, Ted.
Ted: Relax. You're being crazy.
Barney: Help me, Ted! I'm being serious.
Ted: Stop, drop and roll. Screaming is fun! Screaming is fun!
Barney: I can't move. I can't... I can't feel my... Wait. Wait. We're okay.
Ted: We're okay.
Barney: We're okay. It's a miracle, Ted!
End of flaxhback.
Robin: Wow. Sounds like you had some accident in that car.
Ted: Actually, he had two accidents if you add the fact that he...
Barney: ummina-hummina-hummina-hummina ummina-hummina-hummina hummina. I shouldn't even be here, thanks to that deathtrap. But fate... fate gave me a second chance. And helped me realize that our days on this planet are too few to squander. So I decided from that moment on to continue living life to its fullest.
Lily: So you made a life-changing decision to not change your life at all.
Barney: True story.
Marshall: Guys. This Fiero's meant a lot to all of us. Friendships were made. Adventures had. Horrors faced. That's why we have to get rid of it.
Barney: Yes!
Ted and Robin: What?
Marshall: It's lived a great life and it deserves to die with dignity.Ted: But 200,000...
Marshall: But that's life. You know? You never end up where you thought you wanted to be. I'm not helping the environment. Ted's not a philosopher. Lily's not not a world-famous artist. Barney's never driven more than ten miles an hour. Robin, I'm sure, has also experience disappointment in her life. Maybe? And my Fiero's not a Fiero that went 200,000 miles. It's okay. You know? Those are old dreams. We'll get a new car and we'll fill that one up with new memories. And that'll be the car we had when we were first married. When we owned our first house. Maybe even the first car our four kids remember.
Lily: That's so sweet. The first car our two kids remember.
Marshall: I would like to say good-bye. Marshall is in the car and the other are around it. Marshall taps the dashboard and the cassette goes out.
Ted: You know what? This Fiero, it's effected all our lives.
Marshall: Affected.
Ted: That's what I said.
Marshall: Just making sure. Got us all a lot of places. I mean maybe it's time we return the favor. This Fiero should have made it to 200,000. So, let's get it out that door. And we'll push it the last.7 miles. It'd do the same for us. Marshall puts the cassette back in and they all start to push.
Maechanic: Hey, geniuses. The back wheels are on blocks. That car ain't going anywhere.
Marshall: Close enough!
All: Close enough!
Ted (voix off): And so Marshall said good-bye to his Fiero. And as the car's final gift to us all, the money he got for scrap parts paid our bar tab for the next two nights.
At the bar...
Marshall: Arrivederci, Fiero! You were the freaking giving tree of cars.Lily: May you rust in peace.
Barney: Rot in hell, devil steed.
Ted (voix off): And what better friend is there than that?
Flashback. Marshall and his brother are in the Fiero.
Marshall: Bro. Have you heard this new song? I just got the cassingle.
Brother: Put it in.
Marshall: I am never going to get sick of this song. Never, ever, never, never, ever. Yeah!
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x17 - Arrivederci, Fiero"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): When the marriage approched, some weird stuff started happening.
Lily: Why does my stomach hurt?
Marshall: I'm sorry, baby. I ate a bunch of ice cream earlier today.
Lily: Oh, baby, you know we're lactose-intolerant.
Tes: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you suggesting that when one of you feels something, the other feels it, too? Oh, God, you guys are so codependent.
Lily: No, we're not.
Ted: Oh, really? What about the other day?
Flashback. Lily and Marshall are in the kitchen.
Lily: Oh, I need to get some eggs.
Marshall: Oh, I'll come with you.
Marshall accompanies Lily up to the refrigerator. End of flashback.
Marshall: Just because we like spending time together doesn't mean we're codependent.
Barney: Really? Then whatever happened to your plan of spending the last two weeks before your wedding sleeping apart?
Marshall: Okay, we decided not to do that because of...
Lily: Logistics. Wedding logistics.
Marshall: Frickin' logistics, man. They mess everything up.
Ted: You didn't do it because you couldn't do it.
Marshall: Sure we could.
Robin: Then why don't you? You can stay with me.
Lily: It would make our wedding night more special.
Marshall: Okay, let's do it.
Lily: Done.
Marshall: I'm gonna go grab a beer.
Lily: I'll come with you. No. I'll stay.
CREDITS
At the apartment, Lily's on the phone. Robin and Ted come in...
Lily: Okay, I know. You know? I got to go. Good-bye. My mom's driving me cra....
God, you guys are covered in sauce. We'll get to that. Me first. My mom is driving me crazy about the wedding music. The woman takes one cruise to Jamaica, and suddenly, it's "not a party without steel drums." Doesn't everybody know you're not supposed to stress out a bride right before her wedding?! Okay, sauce, go.
Ted: Long story. I'll tell you later.
Barney: Yeah. It's a dirty story, isn't it? You guys went out to dinner, did it in the kitchen and got caught. Scherbatsky reeks of someone who likes to get caught.
Robin: Okay, now I have to wash up for two reasons.
Marshall: Oh, you didn't. That's right.
Barney: So you and Lily really think you can spend two weeks apart?
Marshall: You know what, Barney? Lily and I are a lot less chees than you make us out to be.
Lily: Marshmallow, don't forget to pack my night-night tape.
Barney: Night-night tape? Did you make a tape of you saying "night-night" to her?
Marshall: No.
Lily: He doesn't say it. He sings it.
Barney: Oh, that is so sweet. Why don't you kiss? I love it when two chicks make out.
Lily: Damn it. Nobody's bought us anything cool yet off our registry.
Barney: What's on there?
Lily: Ooh, lots of stuff. Kitchen Aide Artisan Series tilt-head stand mixer...
Barney: Retail price $319.99. What else?
Lily: Um, the Dyson DC17 Animal vacuum.
Barney: Ah, $549.99. A little greedy, don't you think?
Marshall: Did you memorize our registry?
Barney: No, I'm training.
Marshall: Training? For what?
Barney: I'm glad you asked. Ted, Robin, get in here! You guys know how it's hard to be friends with me 'cause I'm so awesome?
Ted: Yes, it's hard to be friends with you. Go on.
Barney: Well, this isn't going to make it any easier. I am going to be on... The Price Is Right.
Marshall: No way!
Ted: What?!
Barney: Yes, in a couple days, Rich Fields is going to call out my name, and I will come on down.
Marshall: Whoa, that is so awesome.
Robin: Barney, I didn't know you were such a fan of The Price is Right.
Barney: Are you kidding? T.P.I.R. is not just an indescribably entertaining hour of television, it's a microcosm of our entire economic system-- a capitalist utopia, where consumers are rewarded for their persistence, market acumen and intrepid spirit. I gaze upon the glory of The Price Is Right, and I see the face of America. And it is divine. Plus, you know, hot chicks on sports cars.
Ted (2030): Then Lily headed out to Robin's for her first night away from Marshall.
Lily: I'm ready! Lily comes into the livingroom with her wedding dress while Robin singins.)
Robin: Ta-da-da-da-da... Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful.
Lily: I know! I'm beautiful! I'm a fairy princess! (she raises her arms and the dress falls.) I'm too skinny for my dress!
At Ted's apartment...
Ted(2030): Meanwhile, I was testing out my best man toast on Marshall.
Ted: Here goes. Hello, everyone, I'm Ted Mosby, Marshall's best man. Strong opening, right?
Marshall: That's fantastic.
Ted: When Marshall graduates this spring, he'll be a lawyer. But did you know that Marshall has a criminal record? That's right, on a road trip up to Cape Cod, Marshall was pulled over for driving by himself in a car pool lane.
Flashback. Marshall's in the car and the siren oft he police rings...
Marshall: Oh, crap.
Lily gets up...
Lily: Oh, crap.
End of flashback.
Marshall: Are you crazy? You cannot tell that story at my wedding. My entire family's gonna be there. My little cousins, my mom, my grandma, my grandpa the minister.
Ted: That grandpa died three years ago.
Marshall: His favorite grandson is getting married, Ted. I think he can take a day off from haunting the barn to make an appearance.
Barney comes into the apartment yelling, then he leaves again and yells diferently.
Barney: So which one, "A" or "B"?
Marshall: What was that?
Barney: I have to decide how to run to contestant's row when they say, "Barney Stinson, come on down!"
Ted: Oh, I didn't realize that's what it was. Can you do them again?
Barney: Yeah, of course.
Barney leaves again, behind him Ted closes the door.
Barney: Hey! Very funny. Just for that, when I win all the prizes, the only thing you guys are getting is Rice-A-Roni and Turtle Wax.
At Robin's apartment, Lily's on the phone...
Lily: It's $300 just to take the bust in? Oh, please, you have to have some sympathy for me. I'm getting married next Saturday, and I'm too skinny for my dress. I lost all this weight without even trying. Hello?
Robin: What happened?
Lily: She called me a bitch and hung up. Oh, I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just have to pay the $300.
Robin: Pay the $300? Lily, are you crazy? This isn't a problem. It's a license to eat. Look, what have you always wanted to eat but didn't because it was too ridicuusly decadent?
Lily: Ooh, a Valrhona chocolate soufflée with a raspberry brandy sauce topped with caramelized bananas and hazelnut gelato.
Robin: I have Cool Whip and half a bag of Fritos.
Lily: Done!
At the apartment...
Ted: Okay, think you're gonna be happy with my new toast. There's nothing sexual. It's, uh, it's just the story of an important moment in your relationship.
Marshall: I'm all ears. Hello, everyone,
Ted: I'm Ted Mosby, Marshall's best man.
Marshall: Nice.
Ted: Right? That's great. Back when we were all freshman and Marshall and Lily were just a few short weeks into their relationship... It was 4:00 in the morning, and I'm not gonna lie, we were a wee bit wasted. We were starving. So I'd gone out to get us some snacks, and when I got back...
Flasback. In their college room, Lily and Marshall are sitting on the floor, when Ted comes in with the snacks, Lily doesn't see him.
Marshall: I love you.
Lily: I love you, too. I know it's soon to say it, but I'm so glad you did.
Marshall: Yeah. Ted leaves the room.
End of flashback. Ted and Marshall are at the bar.
Marshall: So here's what you want to talk about in front of my entire family: drinking, having a girl in my room, eating junk food.
Ted: Dude, you're almost 30. Your mom would be mad at you for eating junk food?
Marshall: Yeah, Ted, 'cause nutrition's not important. Also, so Lily's never heard that story before. How's she going to react when she finds out the first time I said "I love you" to her, I was actually saying it to you and a bag of Funyuns
Ted: But who cares? You did love her. And you still do. And you're totally over Funyuns, so it's not weird.
They join Robin and Lily at a table.
Marshall: Hey, Lil.
Lily: Hey.
Ted: Hey? That's it?
Marshall: What are you talking about?
Ted: Well, you guys have been spending the last few nights apart. I figured there'd be a lot of giggling, crying, jumping up and down, and then whatever Lily would do
Ted (2030): Now, one thing I remember about the bar menu at McClaren's is that there were no fewer than 11 different deep-fried appetizers. That night, Aunt Lily ordered them all.
Barney comes in with the wheel of a bike.
Barney: Check it out. Okay, imagine... imagine, if you will, that this is the $1 space on The Price Is Right wheel. Ready? (he turnst he wheel)
Marshall: Oh, wow, that was pretty close.
Barney: Close? Close?! It's called The Price Is Right, not The Price Is Close! Oh, man, this is bad. If I don't win the spin-off, and I can't get into the Showcase Showdown, everything's ruined! It's all ruined!
Ted: What is ruined? Why, why is this such a big deal?
Barney: Okay, guys... sit down, I've got to tell you something. The reason I'm going on The Price Is Right is because I've decided that it's time for me to meet my real father.
Ted: Your father?
Barney: That's right. My father... is Bob Barker.
Ted: Your dad... is Bob Barker?
Barney: That's right
Lily: The host of The Price Is Right, Bob Barker?
Barney: That's Pops.
Robin: Barney?
Bareney: Yes, Robin?
Robin: Why in the world do you think Bob Barker is your father?
Barney: Uh, because my mother told me he was, that's why.
Flashback. Barney's a kid and he's wathing the Price is Right.
Barney: Mom, who's my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Barney's mom: Oh, I don't know. That guy. (she shows him Bob Barker on TV)
Barney(in front oft he tv):Look, Dad, I got straight A's!
Bareny (dressed as Bob Barker): Hey, Dad, guess who I'm going as for Halloween?
Barney (throwing a ball at the TV): Want to play some catch, Pop?
End of flashback.
Barney: So now I'm gonna go to L.A., be on the show, win the Showcase Showdown, make him proud of me, and then tell him who I am.
Ted: You're gonna tell Bob Barker that you're his son on national television?
Barney: Why is this so hard for you people to believe?
Robin: Drop the popper! Lily has to gain five pounds in a week and a half, and it is my job to help her get there.
Lily: This is the best wedding diet ever.
At Robin's...
Lily: I lost a pound.
Robin: That is impossible. You ate McDonald's every meal for three days.
Lily: I knew that Super Size Me guy was full of it.
Robin: Well, it must be the wedding stress. We just got to up the intake. Lily Aldrin, drop and give me 20 bites of fudge! Okay? Don't nibble at it. att*ck it! Come on, Lily. You can do better than that!
Lily: I can't.
Robin: Well, eat faster, before your body figures out it's full.
Lily: I'm trying.
Robin: Oh, are you gonna cry? You gonna cry? Skinny little baby's gonna cry? Well, eat, damn it, eat!
Lily: Okay!
At the apartment...
Ted: Hey, so I think I figured out how to do your toast in a completely appropriate way.
Marshall: Finally.
Ted: Yeah. Good evening. I'm Ted Mosby, Marshall's best man.
Marshall: Still strong, right?
Ted: Great, yeah. I'd like to share with you all a story about the momentous evening last fall
Flashback. At the bar... Marshall and Lily kissing.
Ted: when Marshall and Lily got back together. Afterward, we stayed up till 10:00 at night, doing sh*ts of chocolate milk.
Ted (last year): Man, I'm well nourished right now!
Barney: Calcium promotes healthy teeth and bones.
Robin: Thanks, Marshall, for teaching us you don't need alcohol to have fun.
Marshall: Oh, don't thank me. Thank my parents for teaching me good values.
Ted: Now, I wasn't supposed to hear this next part, but Marshall leaned over to Lily and whispered.
Marshall: You know what I'd like to do to you right now? I'd like to hold your hand. I'd like to hold your hand so hard that you're not able to shake hands for a week.
Lily: Are you just going to talk about holding my hand or are you going to hold it?
At the bathroom in the bar...
Ted: Then a little later, Robin caught them... Oh, um......holding hands. End flashback. It was a lovely and responsible night. To Marshall and Lily.
Marshall: That's the worst toast I've ever heard, dude. It's totally boring.
Ted: Exactly. It's impossible to write a good toast with you censoring me, man. I give up. I'm just going to read that thing about Jesus and the footprints.
Lily: I give up, too. I don't care if my dress doesn't fit. I can't eat anymore. I-I feel like my stomach's going to explode.
Marshall: I know.
2 weeks later...
Ted: And so, Lily and I were both about to give up, but as you can all see, Lily does look beautiful in that dress, and here I am giving a toast. You know, all this time, I'd been wracking my brain trying to pick out the perfect moment to capture Lily and Marshall as a couple. But then I realized the perfect moment wasn't some needle lost in the haystack of their ten years together. The perfect Lily and Marshall moment happened two nights ago.
Flashback. At the apartment, Ted comes into the livingroom and Marshall comes homes.
Ted: Marshall, what are you doing?
Marshall: Going to the bathroom.
Ted: In the hall?
Marshall: Sleepwalking?
Ted: You're wide awake.
Marshall: Robbing us?
Ted: Dude.
Ted (giving the toast): Turns out, all week long he'd been sneaking out to a hotel on 72nd, to meet Lily.
Marshall and Lily are liying down on the bed of the hotel room.
Lily: God, I missed you.
Marshall: I can't sleep without you. Hey, baby? Would you be the big spoon for a while?
Lily: Sure, baby.
Marshall: How's the weight gaining going?
Lily: Ugh, terribly. I'm too stressed out without you around.
Marshall: Well, I'm here now.
Ted(giving the toast): And so Lily and Marshall failed in their experiment with apartness, but they succeeded in getting Lily into her dress. You know, there really are a million things I could tell you about Lily and Marshall, but really, the only thing you need to know is that ten years into their relationship, they still couldn't spend a single night apart. May they never have to again. To Lily and Marshall.
All: To Lily and Marshall.
Ted (2030): Now, kids, the story of Lily and Marshall's wedding is a good one. No matter how perfectly you plan your... You know, wait a second, guys. I'll get to that. First, I've got to tell you what happened with Barney.
They're all at the apartment watching The Price Is Right...
Bob: Rich, what is the name of our next participant?
Rich: Bob, it's Barney Stinson! Come on down! You're the next contestant on The Price Is Right.
Barney: Nooo. Oh, my God!
Bob: Working his way out. High-five here, high-five there. A big old hug here.
At the apartment, all: Oh, my God!
At the apartment, Barney: Yeah, I know, the camera loves me.
Bob: Welcome to contestant's row, Barney. Nice suit.
Barney: Thanks, Da... Bob.
Bob: Here is the next item up for bid!
Rich: Bob, the stylish his-and-her watches feature an 18k gold bezel and crown and stainless steel bands.
Bob: And Barney, what do you bid on that?
Barney: Um... Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Retail price is $1,349.99, so, since you round off, I'll say $1,350, Bob.
Bob: $1,350 for Barney.
At the apartment, Lily: So, was it $1,350?
At the apartment, Barney: I don't know. Was it?
At the apartment, Lily Oh, my God!
At the apartment, Barney: Happy wedding.
Bob: Barney, you won that camcorder in just one second! That is impressive. I mean impressive.
Barney: Thank you, Bob.
Bob: Now, to win the computer, you're going to have to bid again, and again I will say higher or lower. And let's show the audience the price of the computer, and audience, please, do not try to help us. And the clock will start with your first bid.
Barney: $1 billion.
Bob: Lower.
Barney: So, I brought some photos that I thought you might like to see. This is me on my first birthday.
Bob: Yes, Barney. This is...
At the apartment, Ted: What are you doing?
At the apartment, Barney: Uh, spending some quality time with my dad.
Bob: That's very nice, but look, the clock is moving. You have only about 16 seconds. Keep bidding.
Barney: No, no, I want you to see this. This is great.
Bob: Keep bidding.
Barney. This is me at my graduation. I know, the hair.
Bob: That, no, that's nice. That's nice. You have only five, four, three, two, one...
Barney: $999.
Bob: Nine... Barney, you got it exactly right!
At the apartment, Barney: Happy wedding again!
At the apartement, Lily: Oh, my...
Barney: I have to be honest, Bob. The big wheel is the only weak part of my game.
Bob: I'm sure you'll do just fine, son.
Barney: Did you just... I'm ready, Bob.
Bob: Do it! Do it! Here we go! He's looking for the dollar. It's going around, and around...
At the apartment, Ted: Oh, no, you spun it too hard.
At the apartment, Robin: No, he didn't spin it hard enough.
Bob: Here it comes, Barney. You got it! You won... But Barney... Barney, you're not through. You've won $1,000. You've won a place in the showcase. You are doing splendidly so far.
Barney: Thank you, would you, would you say you're proud of me?
Bob: Sure.
At the apartment, Ted: That was kind of a weird moment.
Bob: Very well, Barney, you have seen the first showcase. Do you want to bid on it or do you want to pass it to Millie?
Barney: Please, no car and an above-ground spa? Pass.
Bob: Millie, he has passed this showcase to you. What do you bid on it?
Millie: $17,640.
Bob: $17,640.
Barney: Overbid!
Bob: Now, let's see Showcase #2. Barney, your showcase begins with a mystery.
Barney: Oh, I love this.
At the apartment, Robin: I can't believe how excited I am right now
Bob: Barney, you have seen your showcase. What do you bid on it?
Barney: Please, please. Please. Let me. 1-8-4-2-1.
At the apartment, Marshall: I don't even know what we're going to do with a dune buggy, but I want it!
Bob: And the actual retail price of your showcase is...
Barney: $14,628.
Bob: $14,628. Millie, you are over. Too bad. Barney, you bid $18,421 on your showcase. And the actual retail price of Barney's showcase is... $18,421 exactly right! You win both showcases, Barney. Bob Barker, reminding you, help control the pet...
Barney: Before, before we wrap up the show, there's just something I want to say to you.... Congratulations on 35 wonderful years hosting The Price Is Right.
Bob: Well, thank you, Barney. Thank you...
Barney: Have your pets spayed or neutered.
Ted: Why didn't you tell him?
Barney: Well, it's just... If you lived your whole life thinking one thing, it would be pretty devastating to find out that wasn't true. I just don't think Bob could have handled it.
Ted: Bob. Yeah. Probably a good choice.
Barney: Anyway, on the bright side. Happy wedding again!
Ted (2030): And that's the story of how Uncle Barney gave Lily and Marshall a dune buggy for their wedding.
Marshall's recording the good night tape for Lily.
Marshall: Um, I thought since we're going to be apart for two whole weeks, I would sing you your night-night song. Night-night, Lily Night-night, Lily It's time to go to bed, oh, my silly, little Lily Time to rest your little head Sha-la-la-la-la Sha-la-la-la-la Come on, Ted.
Ted: No, it's weird.
Marshall: You promised.
Ted: Sha-la-la-la-la Sha-la-la-la-la Sha-la-la-la-la
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x20 - Showdown"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): In May of 2007, Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall got married at the historic Van Smoot House in upstate New York.
Lily and Robin enter in a house...
Robin: Wow, it's beautiful, Lily.
Lily: Yeah. It's just how I always pictured it.
Ted (2030)Well, that was a load of crap. You see, kids, when you get married, you learn a hard lesson. The wedding you set out to have is almost never the wedding you end up with.
At the bar, 8 months before the wedding...
Lily: So, we've decided on a small, outdoor wedding, just family and close friends. No more than 25 people in a beautiful garden somewhere, maybe an acoustic guitar playing while we walk down the aisle.
Barney: And maybe you already know someone who went down to the courthouse and registered as an officiant so that he or she-- he-- could perform the ceremony.
Robin: But you hate marriage. Why do you want to perform the ceremony?
Barney: Because it subtly implants in the mind of every woman there that when I ask a question, you say, "I do." Yeah.
Ted (2030): The closer you get to the big day, the more concessions you make.
At the apartment, 6 months before the wedding...
Lily: Great. Now my mom's making me invite the Lessners. This puts our numbers in the triple digits.
Robin: Wow. I guess sometimes, Lessner is more... ner. You know how like sometimes less is more.
Ted: Yeah. This is one of those times, sweetie?
Marshall: You know what? That's okay. It'll be a slightly big outdoor wedding.
At the bar, 5 months before the wedding...
Lily: So it's not going to be an outdoor wedding anymore. Marshall's dad is convinced if we have an outdoor wedding in New York, he's going to get mugged, so it's going to be inside now. It'll be great. We're still going to have our acoustic guitar player.
At the apartment, 3 months before the wedding...
Lily: So now, instead of an acoustic guitar, we're having a harp player. Yeah. My dad owes a guy, and... that guy's daughter plays the harp.
Barney: Is she hot? I'd love to be able to cross "harp player" off my list.
Marshall: How long is this list?
Barney: Dude, I'm not gonna count how many pages the list is. I'm not crass.
Lily: Well, it doesn't matter anyway. She's pregnant.
Barney: Sweet! I can cross off two things.
CREDITS
Ted (2030): And the day arrives for Lily and Marshall's very big indoor wedding... with a harp.
1 hour and 42 minutes before the wedding...
Andrea: Hi, Lily.
Lily: Wow. Andrea. You really are pregnant.
Andrea: Yeah.
Robin: How do you play the harp with your belly so...?
Andrea: Oh, I don't really-- I can only reach about half the strings.
Robin: You only play half the harp?
Andrea: Yeah.
Robin: Oh, no. Uh, okay. Lily, I will take care of this. Um, I'll just pluck the other half. Is it hard to learn?
Andrea: I've been studying the harp for 12 years.
Robin: Yeah, but I'm a fast learner. You ever hear of "Guitar Hero"? Learned that in a day. Is there a "Harp Hero"?
Lily: Robin, it's fine. So, so, when are you due?
Andrea: Tuesday.
Lily: Wow, that's soon.
Andrea: Last Tuesday.
1 hour and 38 minutes before the wedding...
Robin: Holy crap, we have to f*re her. She's gonna drop a shorty in the middle of your ceremony.
Lily: Robin, I'm not going to freak myself out. I hate those women who say, "Oh, my wedding has to be perfect." Things go wrong. Sometimes the deejay screws up your playlist. Sometimes you slip on placenta during the recessional.
Barney arrives at the bar of the wedding...
Barney: Can I grab a scotch and soda real quick?
Barman: No. I'm not allowed to serve anything until the reception.
Barney: Wow. You just cost yourself a big tip, buddy.
Barman: I'm not allowed to accept tips, buddy.
Barney: You allowed to accept criticism? You, sir, are an ass... buddy.
In Lily's room...
Barney: Hey, you want to know what line doesn't work on a harp player? "Hey, baby, want to pluck?"
Robin: Really? That didn't work.
Barney: Not even a little. Hey! Who's Bill?
Lily: Bill?
Barney: Yeah. This guy came up to me at the bar.
Flashback.
Bill: Can I ask you something? Where in the ceremony is the place where they ask if anyone objects?
Barney: Uh... Don't think they do that anymore.
Bill: Oh, so when do you think someone should do it? Just wait for a lull or what?
End of flasback.
Lily: Oh, no. Did he look like a guy who tried to be an umpire but failed?
Barney: He kind of did.
Lily: That's Scooter.
Robin: Your high school boyfriend, Scooter?
Lily: His real name is Bill. My mom must have invited him.
Robin: Why? Why would she do that?
Lily: Our families are really close. But my ex-boyfriend? Come on, Mom. I didn't invite that professional squash player Dad busted you with. Oh, I need a glass of wine.
Barney: I'll get it.
Lily: Oh, thanks. Hey, how's Marshall doing?
Barney: He's great. He's about to get his hair cut.
Lily: Oh. I'm worried my cousin's going to cut it too short.
Barney: Me, too. I was up all night.
Barney leaves the room when Scooter comes in...
Scooter: Hello, Lily.
Barney: Hey, Bill.
Scooter: Hey, Barney.
Lily: Scooter, what are you doing here?
Scooter: It's not "Scooter" anymore. It's Bill. A lot of things have changed about me, Lily, but one hasn't. I still love you. And I came here to win you back.
Lily: You're really cute. Oh, no. Really?
Scooter. Lily, I-I know it's crazy, but I love you, and if you can look me in the eye and tell me that you want to marry Marshall, I will leave right now and be out of your life forever.
Lily: I want... I want... Scooter!
Barney's back a the bar...
Barney: I need a glass of wine.
Barman: And I need you to get out of my face.
Barney: It's for the bride, so...
BarmanWhite or red?
Barney: White. And, uh... she'd also like a scotch and soda.
Barman: You got it.
Barney: She'd also like a bowl of smoked almonds.
Barman: I don't have any, but I guess I could run out to the corner and get some.
Barney: Well, it's only the biggest day of her life, so...The barman leaves... Let the games begin.
47 minutes before the wedding...
Barney: Here. Can't stay. Got to try something.
Scooter: Maybe my words won't change your mind, but maybe the words of a poet will. I read from "November Rain." By W. Axl Rose.
Robin: That is a good song.
Brad: Barney said you needed me to bounce some guy named Scooter?
Scooter runs out...
Brad: What's up with Bill?
Robin: That's Scooter.
Brad: I'm on it.
People start to sit in the wedding place...
Barney: Hey.
Woman: Hey.
Barney: Can I have your phone number?
Woman: No.
Barney: It's for the bride.
Woman: Oh. Hold on. Let me go get a pen.
Barney: The bride wants you to walk slower.
40 minutes before the wedding, in Lily's wearing her dress...
Robin: Oh, wow.
Lily: Oh. Robin... My makeup looks perfect right now, and I'm about to cry. Do something.
Robin: I have hairy nipples.
Lily: Really?
Robin: No, but it worked, didn't it?
Brad: Hey. Funny story. I tackled this guy I thought was Scooter. Turns out it was your photographer. Don't worry. I got this sweet camera phone, so we're covered.
Robin: There's a photographer? Oh, my God. Okay, I just have to call...
Lily: Robin, stop. Stop. It's okay. I am not gonna let anything get to me today.
33 minutes before the wedding...
Woman: I just got a call from the florist. The flowers won't be here till halfway through the ceremony.
Lily: I'm okay.
28 minutes before the wedding...
Man: I hate to bother you, but... I think I found your veil in the parking lot.
Lily: I'm fine.
24 minutes before the wedding...
Andrea: Just FYI: my water broke. But I can probably......make it through.
Lily: Totally cool.
Robin: Oh, no. Lily, I think I forgot your bridal panties. I-I thought I had them. I'm so sorry.
Lily: Oh, it's okay, I'll just wear the ones I have on.
Robin: Are you sure?
Lily: I'm marrying Marshall today. So it doesn't even matter that I'm gonna walk down the aisle without a veil in a room that has no flowers to the music of half a harp played by a woman who's crowning, as my high school boyfriend reads g*n N' Roses lyrics. But that's okay, because there's no photographer there to take any pictures of it anyway.
Robin: Lily, are you okay?
Lily: What do you think?! Of course I'm not okay! Everything that could possibly go wrong at my wedding has! It's ruined!
Robin: What happened to "I don't want a perfect wedding"?
Lily: Oh, grow up, Robin! Of course I want a perfect wedding! Oh, God. I wanted... I wanted not to care about the wedding, but... I do. I... I'm supposed to feel like a princess today.
Robin: And you will. It's gonna be okay, sweetie. Why don't we go outside? I have something that'll make you feel better.
Lily: What could you have that could possibly make me feel better? God, I hope Marshall's having a better day than I'm having.
Marshall enters in a room with something to hide his hair...
Marshall: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Ted: What?
Marshall shows his hair and he has blond drills.
Barney: Well, it's not too short.
Marshall: My hair! Look at my hair! She ruined my hair! I look like one of the Backstreet Boys!
Barney: You totally do. And not even the good Backstreet Boys, the older, lame dance move, comeback tour Backstreet Boys.
Ted: The good Backstreet Boys?
Marshall: Guys! Guys! What am I gonna do?!
Ted: What-what the hell happened to you?
Marshall: Lily's cousin is in beauty school, and Lily didn't want her to do her hair, so she said she could do mine.
Flashback. Marshall's with Lily's cousin...
Marshall: So, um, just not-not too short, okay?
Cousin: Oh, no, we don't even have to cut it at all. Could just give it some style.
Marshall: Oh, okay, yeah, that's great. 'Cause, um, when it gets too short, it starts to look weird. And I don't want to look weird when I'm up there, you know.
Cousin: Ooh, I could give you some cool guy tips.
Marshall: I don't think I need advice on how to be cool, but yeah, great, lay that on me.
End of flashback.
Marshall: I can't get married like this! There's no way!
Barney: Ah, let me see what I can do.
Ted: What? What can you do?
Barney: I have a superpower.
Marshall: Lily is gonna k*ll me! Look at me! She's not gonna want to marry me like this.
Ted: That's crazy. Of course she will.
Marshall: Would you marry me?
Ted: No. But not because of the hair. It's because I have a rule: never marry anyone you've had a farting contest with.
Marshall: Oh, great. So now you're saying Lily and I shouldn't even get married?
In the wedding room...
Barney: Could I have everyone's attention, please? It's for the bride. One, the bride would... like all of this tension out of my shoulders. And she would like, let's say, you in the inappropriatel short dress to rub them. Two... What was two?
In Marshall's room...
Ted: Okay, we have a bit of a situation. Let's not panic. Let's just find a solution.
Marshall takes a razor and shaves the middle of his hair... Dude, you shaved your freakin' head.
Marshall: Yeah, yeah, but it's good. I ought to shave it all off. What a great solution. Just be bald 'cause it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spears... Oh, God, what did I do?! How could you let me shave my head?!
Ted: What?!
Marshall: You're the worst best man ever! I hate you! I'm not going out there! I'm leaving and I'm never coming back.I'm gonna go find that money under the rock by the tree and go live with the guys on the beach in Zihautanejo.
Ted: Dude, those guys are criminals.
Marshall: Only Red Andy was falsely accused. Ted, you're my best man! You got to do something!
Ted: Okay, all right, come here. Just breathe, breathe, all right? Don't worry. Don't worry. I'll just... I'll take these.
Marshall: No!
Ted's in the wedding room...
Ted: Uh, hi. Uncle Ben, right?
Ben: Yes.
Ted: Yes, we're, we're having a little bit of a problem back there. Um, and I was wondering if you could help us out.
Ben: Yeah.
Ted: Marshall accidentally shaved part of his head.
Ben: Oh, no!
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, so here's what I was thinking. What if I found something to cover up the bald area?
Ben: Yeah, that would probably work, but with what? That's a tough one.
Ted: Maybe a wig of some sort or a, um... toupee. Something that matches
his hair color, which is, which is kind of the same color as the top of your hair.
Ben: Mm, yeah. Does anyone here wear a toupee? (Ben's wearing a toupee) Shouldn't be hard to find out. Most of them are pretty bad.
Ted: That is true. That is true. We just need to find someone who wears a toupee that is the same color as Marshall's and your hair.
Ben: Boy, that's a pretty tall order.
Ted: Really? You can't think of any place in the general area where there might be a toupee of the kind I'm describing to you?
Ben: No, not off the top of my... No. Can't.
Ted: Let me come at this from a different angle. I got $50 in my pocket which is probably a lot more... Barney comes and takes the toupee.
Barney: The bride needs this.
13 minutes before the wedding, Marshall's wearing the toupee.
Marshall: Actually, I think it kinda works.
Ted: It totally does.
Marshall: Barney?
Barney: To be honest, I'm, uh, I'm jealous I don't get to wear it.
Marshall: Okay, problem solved. Crisis averted. Let's get me married. It looks terrible, doesn't it?
Ted: It kinda looks like fur, which gives you the appearance of a cleaned-up Bigfoot.
Marshall: Oh, you know...
Ted: In a bad way.
Brad: Hey. Cool hair, bro.
Ted: What happened to your shirt?
Brad: I got sauce on it when I tackled the caterer.
Ted: You gonna put another shirt on?
Brad: No, I'm good. Hey, you guys seen Scooter?
Marshall: What? What? Scooter's here? That guy's at my wedding?
Brad: Not for long, bro. Not for long.
Marshall: Okay, you know what? I need some air. I think we should go for a walk, okay?
In the park...
Barney: It would cover up the problem. It's festive and it celebrates the heritage of this great nation.
Ted: Okay, unless you actually have one in your car, stop suggesting authentic Native American headdress.
Marshall: Oh, no.
Lily: Oh, my God! Marshall...
Marshall: Lily, you're not supposed to see me.
Robin: Holy crap, I don't think anyone's supposed to see you.
Lily: What happened? Did Amy do this to you?
Marshall: Just the frosted tips. I did the rest. I'm sorry, baby. I've ruined the whole wedding, haven't I?
Lily: Oh, no, you didn't ruin the wedding, sweetie. It was already ruined. There's no flowers, no photographer. Oh, and Scooter's here, by the way.
Marshall: Yeah, I know. I heard.
Lily: My veil got thrashed, the harp player is in labor, and I'm not wearing my wedding underwear.
Marshall: What? No "Property of Marshall" across the back? How are people going to know whose butt that is?
Lily: What happened? Remember the wedding we wanted, the intimate outdoor ceremony?
Marshall: I wish we could have that wedding.
Ted: So do it.
Marshall: What?
Ted: Get married now. Right here. Look, it's outside like you always wanted. Intimate, close friends. There's no guitar, but it's pretty close. Barney can officiate.
Barney: Yes. Yes, I can. Uh, excuse me, guys. You all dropped something: your jaws-- because Barney Stinson is about to aid and abet a marriage.
Marshall: Could we even do that? I mean, what about all those people in there?
Robin: Do that one, too. And then when everything goes wrong, you won't care because you already had the real wedding out here.
Marshall: What do you think, baby?
Lily: I love it.
Marshall: Me, too. Let's do it. Let's get married before we get married.
Lily: Great. Wait, hold on. Excuse me, sir. Could we borrow your hat?
Man: Okay.
Lily: Thank you.
Lily takes the hat and gives it to Marshall.
Marshall: Hat. We thought of authentic Native American headdress before we thought of hat.
Barney: Thank you all for coming. For those of you who don't know me... I'm not the biggest believer in marriage. But... you two are so great together, you know? It's like you were, uh, made for each other.
Robin: He's gonna cry.
Barney: No, I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Lily and Marshall... when everyone sees you, they... see true love. It's the best love... Can we just, um, move on to the rings or something?
Marshall: Oh, no. I don't have my vows.
Lily: I don't have mine either.
Ted: You don't need your vows. Just say why you love each other.
Marshall: Okay, I'll go first. Lily, there are a million reasons why I love you. You make me laugh and you take care of me when I'm sick. You're sweet, caring and you even created an egg dish and named it after me. She puts a little Italian dressing in scrambled eggs before she cooks them. It's called "Eggs Marshall," and it's awesome. But the main reason that I love you is that you're my best friend, Lily. You're, uh... you're the best friend I ever had. I'm sorry, buddy.
Ted: No problem.
Barney: It's totally okay.
Lily: My turn. Oh, thank you. Marshall, I love you because you're funny and you make me feel loved and you make me feel safe and for our anniversary you gave me a sweatshirt that says, "Lily and Marshall. Rockin' It Since '96." I kinda wish I was wearing it right now 'cause it smells like you. But the main reason I love you, Marshall Ericksen, is you make me happy. You make me happy all the time.
Robin: Hey, I found your panties!
Lily: I'm good.
Barney: Marshall, do you take Lily to be your wife to have and to hold from this day forward?
Lily: Slow down.
Barney: I can't From this day forward so as long as you both shall live?
Marshall: I do.
Barney: Lily, do you promise to take Marshall to be your husband to have and to hold... live?
Lily: I do.
Barney: Okay, then, by the power invested in me by the very bitter old Pakistani man who works down at the courthouse on Lafayette Street, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
They kiss
Marshall: Did you smoke?
Lily: No.
Robin: Wow. First lie of marriage. That was fast.
Ted (2030): After that, we all went back inside for the second wedding. And yes, a lot of things did go wrong, but it didn't matter because when I look back on that day, what I remember is the first wedding; the intimate outdoor ceremony with just close friends and an acoustic guitar.
In a room...
Marshall: How do you feel?
Lily: Tired. I got married twice today.
Marshall: So where do you want to do it for the first time as a married couple, nice hotel room or a reception hall bathroom?
Lily: What do you think? Bathroom, of course.
In the bathroom...
Ted: Please don't.
Marshall and Lily: Sorry, Ted.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x21 - Something Borrowed"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Man: Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever Mr. and Marshall Eriksen and Lily Aldrin.
Lily: Does it make you kind of sad that we don't share the same last name?
Marshall: You know, in a totally evolved 21st-century kind of way yeah, a little.
Lily: You know what we should do? We should come up with a whole new last name.
Marshall: Oh, that's easy-- Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: I got it. You ready? You ready?
Lily: Yeah.
Marshall: Lily and Marshall Awesome. Have you met the Awesomes? Marshall, Lily, their son, Totally and their daughter, Freakin'?
Lily: I love you, Mr. Awesome.
Marshall: I love you, Mrs. Awesome.
They kiss... Robin and Ted dancing...
Ted: So...
Robin: So...
Ted: Wedding's over.
Robin: Yes, it is.
Ted: I guess starting tomorrow, we can tell people.
Barney: Tell people what?
Robin: Hi, Barney.
Barney: Tell people what?
Ted: The food looks delicious, doesn't it?
Barney: Tell people what?
Robin: Nothing.
Barney: Oh, okay. Tell people what?
Ted: Can we talk about this later?
Barney: Absolutely. Tell people what?
Robin: Hi. Have you met Barney?
Barney: Hey. Barney Stinson. Lovely dress. I know, I'm sick of these things, too. It's like the same wedding over and over again. You're totally right. You want to dance? Great, see you out there. Tell people what?
Ted: Look, this is just not something we want to talk about right now, okay, Barney?
Barney: Okay. (Barney leaves)
Ted: Whoo, that was a close one.
Robin: Think he'll actually let it go?
Barney(with a microphone) Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people... (A man tells him something) There's a black Nissan Stanza in the parking lot with it's lights on. Tell people what? Tell people what?
CREDITS
Ted and Robin are at the bar of the wedding...
Robin: Can I get a water please?
Barney: Tell people what?
Robin: Oh, God! Okay. Look, we have some... news.
Ted: But we don't want to draw attention away from Lily and Marshall's big day.
Robin: So just forget about it until they leave for the honeymoon.
Barney: Fine.
Ted: It's pretty big, though.
Barney: Oh, my God, just tell me!
Lily: Oh, help us.
Robin: What's wrong?
Lily: We're starving. We planned this amazing meal with the caterers, and we haven't had a bite of it.
Marshall: Every time we get near the food, we get cocktail weiner blocked. We haven't eaten all day.
Robin: All right, let's run some interference.
Ted: Yeah, we'll get you back to your table. Come on.
Lily's grandma: Oh, there you are. My dear, you look so beautiful.
Lily: Thanks, Grammie, but we really need to...
Lily's grandma: And you... you look like a 1940s movie star.
Marshall: And you look like a pepper-crusted rack of lamb with mint jelly.
Robin: All right, let's get these two back to their table.
Lily's grandma: We will see you on the floor for the conga line later, won't we?
Ted(2030): The answer to that one was decided weeks earlier.
Flashback. At Ted's apartment.
Robin: Conga line.
Lily: Oh, yes, definitely.
Ted: How about a slide show of you guys through the years set to Green Day's "Time of Your Life" and ending with your baby photos side by side.
Lily: Oh, that's great. Going on the list.
Barney: What list?
Lily: Horrible wedding clichées we're not going to touch with a ten-foot limbo pole.
Barney: Oh, like First Corinthians? That Bible verse? They do that at every wedding.
Robin: How's it go?
Marshall: "Love is patient and kind. "Love does not envy or boast. "It is not arrogant or rude. "Love does not insist on it's own way. "It is not irritable or resentful. "Love bears all things, "believes all things, "hopes all things... "endures all things."
Robin: Lame.
Lily: Going on the list.
End of flashack. Back to the wedding.
Lily: We've done it. A wedding with zero clichées.
Ted: Wait, isn't doing it in the reception hall bathroom kind of a clichée?
Lily: Well, okay, one clichée.
Marshall: Well, technically two.
Lily: No! They cleared our plates again!
Marshall: Pepper-crusted rack of lamb, where did you go? It's my wedding night. I was supposed to have my way with you.
Lily: Well, you still have me.
Marshall: Yeah...
Barney: Anyway, guys, we're kind of in the middle of something, so if you could go bicker or share a tense, sexless silence or whatever married people do somewhere else, that'd be great.
Lily: No, Barney, this is my wedding, and I will sit wherever I damn well...
Barney: Are those mini quiches? (Marshall and Lily run) Tell the secret.
Ted: Okay, uh... it was our anniversary, so we went to this restaurant Carmichael's, which is where we went on our first date. Remember, the place where I stole the blue French horn for Robin?
Barney: Oh, right, that was you. I knew that was somebody I knew.
Ted: What? Dude, you were there. That was like a big iconic moment in all of our lives.
Barney: Maybe in your life-- I got a lot of stuff going on.
Robin: Okay, so we're sitting there and the waiter comes over...
Flashback. At the restaurant...
Waiter: Champagne?
Robin: Um, we didn't order champagne.
Waiter: Compliments of the house.
Ted: Wow. Thanks. Cheers.
Robin (voive over): And there, sitting at the bottom of my champagne glass is...
End of flashback. At the wedding...
Lily: Mini quiche. You're a mega-douche.
Barney: Oh, that's right, they moved that table back toward the kitchen, because that's where they're setting up a surprise chocolate fountain. Oh, no, I gave it away.(Lily and Marshall leave) So what was in the glass?
Ted: Right. So the waiter comes up with two glasses of Dom. He says, "Champagne?" "We didn't order any champagne." "Compliments of the house." "Wow."
Barney: You said that already!
Flashback. At the restaurant...
Ted (voice over): Right. So Robin looks down, and there at the bottom of her glass...
Robin: Is an engagement ring.
End of Flashback.
Man( with a camera): Anything you want to say to the bride and groom?
Barney: Don't get married.
Man: Why don't I come back.
Barney: An engagement ring?No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Ted, you cannot do
this to me. No. No, no, no!
Ted: That's what she said.
Flashback.
No.
Robin: No, no, no, no, no. Ted, you cannot do this to me. No. No, no, no.
Ted: What are you talking about?
Robin: This. This is what I'm talking about. What is this doing in my champagne? Oh, God, listen... I just got to get out of here.
Ted: That's not mine.
Robin: What?
Ted: That's not mine.
Robin: Then whose is it?
Man: It's mine. Janna... will you marry me?
Janna: Yes.
Robin: Wow. That was hilarious. I was like... what? Anyway.
Ted: What the hell was that?
Robin: What the hell was what?
Ted: That reaction?
Robin: I thought you were proposing to me.
Ted: Really? Because it sounded like you thought I was trying to set you on f*re.
Robin: Ted, you know how I feel about marriage.
Ted: Now more than ever.
Robin: I'm sorry, were you planning on proposing tonight?
Ted: No.
Robin: Then why is this an issue?
Ted: Because even though you don't want to get married, I'd like to think the fact that we've been together for a year, and that we love each other might get me a gentler reaction than, "No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. "Ted, you cannot do this to me. "No. No, no, no."
Robin: Okay, you're right, I just... freaked out. I don't know why. I'm sorry. Can we please just let it go?
Ted: No.
End of flashback.
Marshall: Hey, Stinson. Never lie to a man about a chocolate fountain.
Robin: So did you guys find anything to eat?
Lily: I had four strawberries.
Ted: Was there a side of champagne with each of the strawberries?
Lily (burping): Yes.
Marshall: Lily, you could have burped or said the word "Yes," but the fact that you did both is exactly why I married you.
Lily: Oh, look, more strawberries!
Barney: So what happened next?
Flashback.
Robin: Ted, don't do this.
Ted: No, seriously. Where do you see yourself in five years?
Robin: Where do you see yourself?
Ted: Honestly, in five years... I probably want to be married.
Robin: And I probably want to be in Argentina.
Ted: Argentina?
Robin: Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look, Ted, I don't know where I'm going to be in five years. And I don't want to know. I want my life to be an adventure.
Ted: We have an expiration date, don't we?
End of flashback.
Barney: Oh, my God. You guys broke up. You guys broke up. I can't believe it.
Ted: Barney... story's not over.
Flashback.
Robin: Can we please not talk about this here. Can we go home?
Ted: Yeah, of course. Uh, excuse me, I'm sorry about this. Can we actually...
Waiter: Oh, my God, it's you.
Ted: Wha... what?
Waiter: You're the son of a bitch who stole our blue French horn.
Ted: Run!
End of flashback.
Barney: Run? Your strategy was run?
Ted: It was a perfectly good idea. They didn't have our credit card information. They didn't know us from Adam. I stand by it.
Robin: Yeah? And how did that work out for you?
Ted and Robin run and knock down the tray that the waiter was holding, at Robin's apartment...
Ted: I don't see why they had to keep my credit card and driver's license till we bring the horn back.
Robin: Well, come on, Ted, can you blame them?
Flashback, at the restaurant...
Ted: Look, I'm sorry about the French horn. I want to make this right. So what we're going to do right now is, we're going to run!
Ted runs and fall. End of flashback..
Ted: So... Argentina.
Robin: Argentina.
Ted: Why is this the first I've heard of Argentina?
Robin: Mmm, American schools suck at geography. What would be the point in telling you that I want to live in Argentina? You don't want to live there.
Ted: I could want to live in Argentina.
Robin: No, you couldn't. I mean, you life is here and your career. I'm a journalist, my career could take me anywhere, and I hope it does.
Ted: Hey. I could be an architect anywhere, too. They have buildings in Argentina. And Paris. And even Tokyo. I don't know if you ever saw Godzilla, but he wasn't knocking down a bunch of tents.
Robin: So, what? You're saying you want to move to Argentina?
Ted: Well, I always regretted not taking a year in college to live abroad. I just finished a big project at work. I got some money saved up. If ever there were a time in my life to do something like this, it's right now. Let's move to Argentina.
Robin: Oh, shut up.
Ted: You're scared I might not be kidding.
Robin: Aren't you?
Ted: Nope. Your move, Scherbatsky.
Robin: Okay. Let's do it-- let's move to Argentina.
End of flashback...
Barney: No es posible! Nobody moves to Argentina. The Argentinean peso has dropped two-thirds in five years, the government is opposed to free market reforms, and the railroad has been a mess since the breakup of Ferrocarriles Argentinos. I hooked up with an Argentinean exchange student in a Porta-John outside Yankee Stadium. Man, she was chatty.
Robin: Right? Right?
Barney: You caught the bouquet?
Ted: Barney. The story's not over yet.
Flashback. Ted and Robin are in Robin's apartment kissing.
Robin: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Ted: What?
Robin: I don't know if I can do this to you.
Ted: Do what?
Robin: Well, you say you want to move to Argentina, but you want to have kids.
Ted: Oh, right. 'Cause there are no kids there. On Santa's map of the world, there's a big black "X" over Argentina.
Robin: You know what I mean.
Ted: No, I don't. Okay, say we had kids. They wouldn't have to grow up in some suburb somewhere. They would grow up on the road having adventures with us. Think of all the Hard Rock Cafe T-shirts they could collect.
Robin: Ted, you know that kids were never a part of my plan. But if I was going to have someone's babies, I'd have your babies.
Enf of flashback
Barney: That's when you run. Tell me you ran, Ted.
Flashback. Ted and Robin are kissing on the couch.
Robin: Wait, wait, wait. We don't want to start having babies right this second. Do you have a...?
Ted. No, I don't.
Robin: Well, we probably shouldn't.
Ted: Yeah.
Robin: Risk it?
Ted: Risk it.
End of flashback.
Barney: No.
Man: All right, ladies and gentlemen, if you're all gather around, Lily and Marshall are going to cut the cake.
Barney: No. Robin, you're not... No, say the story's not over.
Robin: Come on, they're cutting the cake.
Barney: Say the story's not over! Oh, God, this is the 12th most worried I've ever been that someone's pregnant.
Marshall: Okay, Lily. I'm really hungry, so let's just, uh, aim for my mouth, okay? Besides, the smearing the cake thing's a clichée, remember?
Lily: No, it's going to be so funny.
Marshall: Lily. Lily, just feed me the cake. Please, baby, I am so hungry. (Lily's so drunk that she falls)
Lily: Whoopsy-daisy.
Marshall: And she's okay. She's all right. That was funny. And it's time for the honeymoon. Guys, guys, guys. Thank you so much.
Lily: We love you. I love you.
The man who was with the camera comes back near Barney...
Barney: Getting married, having kids. It's all a mistake. It's a horrible, horrible mistake.
Man: God, this guy's giving me nothing.
Ted: All right, have fun in Scotland. If you see the Loch Ness Monster, tell him Ted Mosby says, "What's up?"
Marshall: Nessie's a she, Ted, come on. Marshall and Lily leave.
Ted: Hey, kiddo.
BarneyYou are going to miss out on a lot of awesome stuff. You'll be at home with the kid while I am out awesome-ing all over the place. And you're going to get fat.
Ted: The story's not over, Barney.
Flashback
Ted: Okay, time to get the horn back to the bistro.
Robin: Oh, Ted, I don't know if I can go again. That tuckered me out.
Ted: Not a euphemism.
Robin: Right. Okay, let me just go change, and we'll leave.
Ted: Whoa, whoa, you get to change and I don't? Uh-uh. Solidarity, sister.
Robin: That is crazy. I have a change of clothes and you don't. Suck it up.
Ted: Well, if we'd actually moved in together, all my stuff would be here, but we didn't, so...
Robin: Yeah. We were all talk, weren't we?
Ted: We're not doing this, are we?
Robin: I don't want to have kids in Argentina.
Ted: And I don't want to have kids in Argentina.
Robin: So where does that leave us?
Ted: Well... we could stay together and... pretend this stuff doesn't matter. Or... we could give back the blue French horn.
Robin: You stole a blue French horn for me.
Ted: I would have stolen you a whole orchestra.
End of flashback.
Barney: You did break up.
Ted: Yep.
Barney: You're not pregnant?
Robin: Nope.
Barney: An-And Marshall and Lily don't know?
Ted: Well, afterwards, uh, we came by to tell you guys, but Lily was pretty stressed out, so...
Robin: We decided not to say anything till after the wedding.
Barney: You guys okay?
Ted: Well, it hasn't been the easiest two weeks of our lives, but...
Robin: But we're okay.
Ted: The open bar helps.
Kid: Excuse me, Miss.
Robin: Hi.
Kid: Could I have this dance?
Ted: Well, we knew this day would come eventually. Take care of her, little man.
Marshall and Lily are in a limo...
Marshall: This is by far the drunkest I've ever seen you. Uh, driver.
Ranjit: Hello!
Marshall: Ranjit!! Hey, can we make a stop before we head back to the hotel?
Ranjit: You do not have to stop. You can be together as man and wife right back there, and because we are friends... I will not watch.
Marshall: Um, no, we actually had something else in mind.
Ranjit: Okay.
In a fast food..
Marshall: Lily, go sit down.
Man: Welcome to Wienerburger.
Marshall: Hi. Can we get a number one, please, with no pickles? And a number four with no onions.
Man: Let me guess. Jefferson High prom?
Marshall: No. But thank you. Actually, we just got married.
Man: Wow. Congratulations.
Marshall: Thank you.
Man: That's $7.80. Hey, dude.
Marshall: Yeah.
Man: I don't know how to say this, but your wife just threw up in the trash.
Marshall: My wife...
Ted (2030): So Marshall and Lily were married, and Robin and I were broken up. And as hard as it was at the time, in the end we both got what we wanted. She did eventually go on to live in Argentina and Morocco and Greece, Russia, even Japan for a little while. And I... well, I met your mom. I think for the most part if you're really honest with yourself about what you want out of life, Of course, at that moment, all I really wanted was a scotch and soda and a cigar.
Ted meets Barney in the terrace.
Barney: I'm really sorry about you and Robin. I know I was always joking around about wanting you two to break up, but you were really good together.
Ted: Yeah... we were. She just wasn't the one, you know?
Barney: The one. Oh, Ted, no. Do not tell me you're going to start searching for "the one" again. The only time I want to hear you saying "the one" is if it's followed by the word "hundredth." What up?
Ted: No, I need a break from all that, I... I just want to get out there and have fun for a while, you know?
Barney: Really? 'Cause... you know, you've been in a relationship for a year. You're going to... be a little rusty.
Ted: Yeah.
Barney: I'm just saying... you're gonna need, need, need some help out there.
Ted: Could be.
Barney: Ted?
Ted: Yes, Barney.
Barney: Do you think... Do you think maybe you might... need a wingman again?
Ted: I do.
Barney: Yes! Yes! We're back. We are back. And Ted, my boy, it's going to be legend... Wait for it...
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x22 - Something Blue"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
[Title: The Year 2030]
Narrator: Kids, there's more than one story of how I met your mother. (Cut to a yellow umbrella floating down a street) You know the short version, the thing with your mom's yellow umbrella. But there's a bigger story. The story of how I became who I had to become before I could meet her. And that story begins here.
[Title: The Year 2007]
[At the wedding of Marshall and Lily - Ted/Barney]
Barney:...Dary! Legendary! Dude, I am so excited that you're single again. We're going to conquer New York City. I already have a girl from work lined up for you. Right boob bigger than the left boob, which some choose to look at as bra half empty. I choose to look at as bra half full.
Ted: I dont' know... Robin and I broke up two weeks ago. I'm... I'm not ready.
Barney: When will you be ready?
Narrator: It was a good question. (Flashback of Robin and Ted hugging after breaking up) After a big relationship ends, you need some time to recuperate. Robin took a trip to Argentina, and I went through my usual routine. (End Flashback)
[The Apartment - Ted/Barney]
(Ted checking out his beard in a mirror)
Narrator: I grew my breakup beard.
(Barney bursts into the room)
Barney: Ted Mosby, suit up, 'cause here's the plan. There's a Miss Nassau County pageant. We'll pretend to be judges and, yes, our votes are for sale.
Ted: I'm not ready.
(Ted paints a wall. Barney comes in)
Narrator: I repainted the apartment.
Barney: Finish line of a woman 10K. Salty girls on an endorphin high who just want to lie down. Yeah.
Ted: I'm not ready.
[The Bar - Ted/Barney/Marshall/Lily]
Narrator: And the truth is, I was doing really good.
Barney: Female acrobats from Montreal. Super flexible. We're going to get "Cirque de So-Laid". What up?
Ted: Barney, come on, we've covered this.
Lily: Robin!
(Robin walks up with Gael)
Robin: Hey, guys. I just got in last night. Um, uh, this is Gael.
Gael: Hola.
Ted: Okay, I'm ready.
["How I Met Your Mother", credits]
[The Apartment - Lily/Marshall/Barney/Ted]
(Ted is in the bathroom, where a razor is heard)
Ted: I just can't believe her. (He walks into the room with only his chin shaved) We have this totally amicable split, everything's cool. And she comes back from vacation with THAT guy? You know what she's doing? She's trying to win the breakup.
Lily: What do you mean "Win the breakup", old timey inventor.
Marshall: What our 21st president, Chester A. Arthur, is trying to say is that in every breakup there are winners and losers.
Lily: It's not a competition. Now, your 80-day ballon race around the world, that was a competition.
Marshall: That's my wife.
Barney: Of course it's a competition, Lil. How else do you explain... what's his name?
[Flashback to Earlier. They talking at the bar.]
Gael: Gael.
Ted: I'm sorry, Gayle?
Gael: Gael.
Barney: Kyle?
Gael: Gael.
Marshall: Girl?
Robin: It's pronounced "guy-el".
Gael: It's means "joyful". That is why I live my life by bringing joy, good energy and happiness to others. Especially those less fortunate that I.
Ted: I'm sorry. So it's Gayle?
[End Flashback]
[The Apartment]
Ted: (With only a mustache now) What a jerk? I don't go to your stupid country and try to seduce woman with my sexy accent.
Barney: That's a great point, Persian nightclub owner.
Ted: And, oh, he is a masseuse.
[Flashback to Earlier. They talking at the bar.]
Gael: With a massage everything is connected. I can touch your foot cleanse your kidney. I can touch your earlobe and slow your heartbeat.
Ted: One time I used warm water to make a guy pee. Of course, I didn't make a career out of it.
Gael: Career? Such an American idea. My career is living. Windsurfing. Making love. Sometimes at the same time.
Barney: How? How would one do that exactly? Seriously, don't giggle. Tell me.
[End Flashback]
[The Apartment]
Barney: Not possible. You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board.
Lily: How do you know?
Barney: Glad you asked Lily. I have crafted a list of every vehicle land-based, aquatic and airborne in which/on which it's possible to have sex. And of those 33 vehicles, I have had sex in/on 31. Windsurfing board, not on the list, not possible. Oh, P.S., in order to h*t 33, all I need is bobsled and the Apollo 11 space capsule.
Lily: To get that last one, you'd have to break into the Smithsonian.
Barney: This conversation never happened.
Ted: All right, you're suit up, I bearded down. Let's get out there and win this thing.
Barney: Yes!
Ted: You guys, have fun of your duble date.
Lily: Oh, for the hundredth time, I'm sorry, there was a lull.
[Flashback to Earlier. They talking at the bar.]
Gael: And then we fell asleep on the beach while counting the stars.
Lily: Do you want to have diner with me? Uh, us?
[End Flashback]
[The Apartment]
Marshall: There was no lull. You just think he's incredibly hot.
Lily: No, I don't!...Not incredibly. It's a little hard to believe how hot is he. But I mean, she isn't serious about him. The girl never marries the hot guy.
Marshall: Well, you did.
Lily: I'm one of the lucky few.
Marshall: Lily, Ted is our best friend, so let's get something straight: Male Gayle is not hot. He's not our friend. Don't even look at him. Just... no eye contact.
[Later at the apartment...]
(Robin and Gael enter)
Narrator: So that night, as Lily and Marshall did their best to hate Gael...
Lily: Hey, Robin. (Looks down) Gael.
Narrator:...Robin pulled me aside to check in. Now, I'm sure, she meant the best, but she said the worst.
Robin: I just want to make sure you're okay with this.
[The Bar - Ted/Barney]
Ted: "I just want to make sure you're okay with this"? Damn it! I can't believe she's the one that gest to say that. She's winning, isn't she?
Barney: Hum-hum. Not for long. Okay, pep talk. Take a knee. Ted, tonight, we're going to get you someone way hotter than Robin. Okay, Robin's a ten. Fine we'll get you a 12. Or, you know... two sixes. Failing that, four threes. And break glass in case of emergency we'll go the Staten Island, I'll get you 12 ones. Ted, my boy, I'm going to re-teach you... Ah.
(Ted kiss a girl and they stop kissing)
Amy: Amy.
Ted: Ted.
(They are kissing again)
Barney: Barney. Ted, we are back. Up here. Up high. Fivin' it up five-style!
[The Apartment - Robin/Gael/Marshall/Lily]Robin: I'm sorry this is all so weird.
Marshall: Weird? Why would it be weird? Because you used to date our best friend or because my wife thinks your new boyfriend is incredibly hot?
Lily: I do not! Shut up! Oh, my God!
Robin: I just hope Ted's okay.
Marshall: Hmm.
Gael: I hate to see you so tense. (Begins massaging her) I mean, we had a really clean break up, you know? We really acted like adults, so the last thing... Oh! Oh, God, oh!
(Robin sits on the floor in front of Gael moaning)
Marshall: Gael, are you properly licensed massage therapist?
Gael: What?
Marshall: Are you legally certified by some type of gouverning entity?
Gael: I train for three years at an institute in Buenos Aires. I have a card. I can show you.
Marshall: Is the card laminated?
Gael: What do you mean "laminated"?
Marshall: Covered in protective plastic.
Gael: Oh, yes.
Marshall: Damn it! (To Lily) He checks out...
[The Bar - Ted/Barney/Amy]
(Ted and Amy are still making out)
Barney: Ted. Ted. Ted. Ted. Ted.
(They stop kissing)
Ted: What?!!
(Barney leads Ted away from Amy)
Barney: Let's bail, this place is d*ad.
Ted: Yeah, you're right. We're both totally striking out.
Barney: Yes, exactly, plus, we're on a tight schedule. I've got the entire evening perfectly planned out... Spoiler alert: Our last stop is an after hours club so after hours, it's three days from now. What up?
Ted: Are you blind? I'm making out with a 12. I am winning.
Barney: Yeah. But I didn't get to help.
Ted: So you're saying you want me to throw away a super hot girl just because you didn't help me get her?
Barney: Apology accepted. Let's go.
(Amy walks over)
Amy: Who's the suit?
Ted: Hum. This is Barney. Barney, Amy.
Barney: I'm not gonna remember that. Now, if you'll excuse me, random chick from earlier tonight, as you shall henceforth be known. Ted and I have a schedule to keep.
Amy: Oh, well. You can check out off 08:54, dress up like a dork and bother the cool kids. b*at it, nerd.
Barney: Wow. Wow. Great stuff, Tommy Lee. See what you don't understand is, I'm Ted wingman. It's a sacred bond, much stronger that any... They're making out again!
[The Apartment (Kitchen) - Marshall]
Marshall: Massage therapist. And you know what, "Gayle"? Your piece of chicken looks a little tense to me. Oh, oh, does that feel good, Mr. Chicken? Well, guess what? I didn't wash my hands. Got him.
(Marshall walks back into the living room. Lily is being massaged by Gael)
Marshall: Lily?!
Gael: We carry so much ancient emotion in our neck and shoulders. Things we should have let go of years ago.
Lily: Oh, I forgive you, Mom.
(Marshall takes Lily into the kitchen)
Marshall: Lily, we are Ted's best friends. Our job is to hate that guy.
Lily: Oh, yeah, that's what I was doing. I was building him up so few minutes later, I could totally cut him down.
Marshall: Weren't you wearing a bra?
[The Bar - Ted/Amy/Barney/A girl]
Narrator: The night was doing great. Amy was cool and dangerous. She found a friend for Barney. She even paid for drinks... (Amy steals liquor from behind the bar) sort of.
Barney: They know us here! You're gonna get us in trouble.
Amy: Tell me something. Do you ask your tailor to leave extra room in the crotch for your huge vagina?
Barney: You... your vagina... Ted, this chick is crazy. We're leaving.
Amy: Good idea. Let's all go back to my place.
Barney: Your place? Thanks, but no thanks, 1994 Courtney Love.
Amy: I have a hot tub.
[The "Amy's aparment" in the hot tub - Barney/A girl/Ted/Amy]
Barney: Okay, this place is actually pretty nice.
Ted: I like your tatts.
Amy: Thanks. You can play with them if you want. They're a hundred percent real.
Ted: No, your tatts... toos. Your tattoos.
Amy: Oh, thanks. You should get one.
Barney: Wrong. Ted has a classic clean-cut look that never goes out of style season after season, burn.
Amy: Yeah? Well. I think he would look hot with some ink.
Barney: No, he wouldn't.
Amy: Yes, he would.
Barney: No, he wouldn't.
Amy: Yuh-huh.
Barney: Nuh-uh.
The Girl: I'm ready to do anything you want by the way. Anything. Right now.
Barney: Ted. Who are you gonna side with on this tattoos thing?
Ted: I think I'd look way hot with some ink.
Amy: Yeah, you would.
Ted: Yeah.
(A kid enters.)
Amy: Oh my God, Tyler?
Tyler: Mommy! Daddy! She's back.
Amy: Damn it! They're supposed to be in the Hamptons. Run!
[In the street - Amy/Ted/Barney/The Girl]
Amy: Sorry. I used to nanny for those jerks before they fired me. So unfair.
Barney: Unfair? I wouldn't let you take care of the imaginary kids I make up to score with single moms. That's it Ted, we're going home. Ted? Ted, you okay?
(Cut to fantasy: Robin and Gael are windsurfing)
Gael: Hello, Ted. Robin and I are about to make fantastic aquatic sex on this windsurfing board.
Robin: And I just want to make sure you're okay with this. (Both laugh) Okay, how do we do this?
Gael: I think your leg goes up, up...
Robin: Okay, how 'bout if I, um...
Gael: No, mine...
(End fantasy)
Ted: I'm okay. In fact, here's how okay I am. I'm gettin' a tattoo.
Barney: You're not getting a tattoo. It's not you. Ted, you are heading down a dark path.
Ted: That dark path is my driveway.
Barney: But you need a plan and you need a wingman!
(Ted and Amy's taxi drives away)
Barney: This is so going in my blog!
Amy's friend: Want to have sex?
Barney: Okay.
[The Tattoo parlor - Ted/Amy/A guy]Ted: And underneath, it should say "I win". And then it should have flames coming out the bottom.
Amy: Oh, f*re. We should start a f*re.
Ted: After this maybe. Oh, man, this is going to be legen... wait for it...
[Ted's bedroom - Ted]
Narrator: And that's all I remember. (Ted wakes up) The next morning, I woke up alone back home. (He doesn't have a tattoo anywhere on his arms or his chest. He sighs, relieved. As he leaves the room, we see the butterfly tattoo across his lower back)
[The Apartment - Ted/Marshall/Lily]
Marshall: Hey, buddy, how was your night?
Ted: You know, it was great. I met this crazy girl, I almost got a tattoo. Don't worry, I didn't. But it was... It was amazing. I think it's safe to say, I am winning this breakup.
(Lily points out the tattoo to Marshall)
Lily: Look.
Marshall: Oh my God!
Ted: What?
Marshall: Nothing. This J. Crew catalog. Who brings two golden retrievers in a canoe?
(Ted leaves the room)
Lily: We've gotta call Barney.
Marshall: Way ahead of you.
[Later at The Apartment - Ted/Marshall/Lily]
(Barney comes in. Ted is in the kitchen, now in a shirt)
Barney: Hey, guys, what's the big emergency? Oh and B the W: I am never speaking to Ted again.
Lily: Hum. Really, never? Not even if, say, butterflies flew out of his ass?
Barney: What?
Marshall: Hum. Ted? Could you grab me the fondue pot?
(Ted reaches up and shows his tattoo)
Marshall: (To Barney) He has no idea. (Barney falls backward) And up we go.
(Ted hands Marshall the fondue pot)
Marshall: Thank you.
Ted: Hum. Hum. What?
Barney: Ted?
Ted: Hmm?
Barney: I came here this morning because... I want to apologize.
Ted: Apology accepted, Barney. As you can see, I do just fine on my own. I don't need a baby-sitter.
Barney: See. All this time, I thought you need a wingman to fly, but the truth is you... you've got your own wings now.
Ted: Hmm.
Barney: Since you and Robin split, you've been gestating. Growing in your cocoon. And last night... you burst out of that cocoon..., like a majestic, uh... gosh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon? I was always bad at science.
Lily: He's gonna say it.
Ted: A butterfly? (Everyone laughs) What?
Barney: Nothing, buddy.
(Barney hits Ted's tattoo)
Ted: Ow. Why did that hurt so...? Oh my God! (Looks in mirror) I have a tattoo.
Barney: Oh, that's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.
Ted: Tramp stamp?
Barney: You know, a ho tat. Ass antlers. A Panama City license plate.
Narrator: And suddenly it all came back to me.
[Flashback: Tattoo parlor]Ted:...Dary. Legendary! Man, I am so winning this breakup.
Amy: Mm, I just broke up with my boyfriend Steve. He was totally annoying. He was like, "I think you're the one, I want to marry you."
Ted: What a wuss. Do you think exes can be friends?
Amy: Yeah. Sure, I mean, we're still friends, right Steve?
Ted: Hey, your name is Steve. And her ex-boyfriend's name is Steve. What are the odds of that...? Wait.
[End flashback]
Ted: No no no no no no no. Give me this.
(Steals Barney's water and starts dabbing it on his tattoo)
Barney: Oh, yeah, that'll get it out.
Marshall: Maybe you should try club soda.
Ted: Oh, damn it, it really hurts. I need like, some ointment or something. What is this? Spanish massage oil. Spanish massage oil? What happened here last night?
Marshall: Last night got weird.
[Flashback: The Apartment]
(Gael is playing the guitar and singing. Robin is in love, Lily is in love, Marshall is in love.)
(Gael is massaging Marshall)
Gael: Feel the emotions release.
Marshall: Think I just got over being chunky in the ninth grade.
Gael: You're beautiful.
Marshall: I am beautiful.
(Later... Gael is feeding Robin.)
Gael: Experience your food.
(He moves to feed Lily)
Gael: Try the mango.
(Marshall eats it instead)
Gael: Okay, that's enough of the fruit.
[End flashback]
Marshall: We're sorry, Ted. It'll never happen again.
Lily: It meant nothing to us. It just felt really really really good.
Ted: I can't even look at you two right now.
Marshall: Ted.
(Ted leaves)
Lily: He got a tramp stamp. (Everyone laughs)
[The hallway outside Robin's Apartment - Ted/Robin]Ted: All right, first of all, this isn't one of those, "I came all the way over here because I want you back" things. There'll be no startling confession of love, no sweet indie rock song that swells up just as we're about to kiss, none of that crap. Got it?
Robin: Okay.
Ted: Good. Now, here's the thing. It sucks that you came back from Argentina with someone as awesome as Gael. And I know I have no right to be upset at you. We're broken up, life goes on, whatever. But you know what? We-we never did this. We-we had this polite breakup with no irrational yelling and that's just wrong. So I'm gonna yell irrationally for a while and you're just gonna have to stand there and deal with it, okay?
Robin: If you feel like you need to do that, then...
Ted: (yells) I think I do! I really think I do! So now, I'm yelling!
Robin: You shaved.
Ted: (yells) I did.
Robin: I like the beard.
Ted: (still yelling) I liked it too, but it was getting kind of hot. Maybe in the winter, I'll grow it back out! (quietly) Okay, I'm done.
Robin: I know it was weird showing up with Gael. I'm sorry.
Ted: Look, us breaking up, it was the right thing. But it took some time to get over you, you know? I-I'm still getting over you. But you, you were over it the minute they started the in-flight movie.
Robin: Over it? My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. And that's why Gael happened.
Ted: You weren't trying to win the break-up?
Robin: I was trying to survive it.
Ted: Okay. No. See, look, that all sounds good, and we'll still be friends and move on, but..., did he have to be so hot? The guy's an Adonis.
Robin: He's not an Adonis.
Ted: He's the Cadillac of rebound guys. Marshall has a crush on him. The guy's perfect.
Robin: He's not perfect.
Ted: Oh, come on. He's hot, he windsurfs, he massages things. Name one way I'm better than that guy.
Robin: "You're bigger".
Ted: Don't patronize me. If anything, he may even be a little bit taller.
Robin: No, Ted... "you're bigger".
[The Bar - Ted/Marshall/Barney]Ted: I win!
Narrtor: Kids, I can't remember exactly what helped me get through the whole Robin-Gael incident. I'm sure it was something profound and meaningful and not at all macho and petty. But after that, I was back on my feet. And what followed was a new era in my life. A crazy time unlike anything that came before. (The camera goes outside to show a sea of black umbrellas, and one yellow one walking through the crowd) It's funny looking back on those days, knowing now exactly what I was heading towards, and what was heading towards me.
[Barney's office - Barney](His phone rings. He answers on his headset)
Barney: Go for Barney.
(Marshall is in his darkened apartment, alone)
Marshall: Hey, man. It's Marshall. Check your e-mail. Sent you something.
Barney: What is it?
Marshall: Just a new website. Slapcountdown.com.
(The countdown reads 55: 23: 59: 57...and counting)
Barney: What does this mean? Marshall? Ma...?
(Marshall hangs up. He sniffs his hand, then practices a slap)
Barney: No. (screams) No!
THE END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x01 - Wait for It"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
[Title: The Year 2007]
[The Bar - Ted/Barney/Marshall/Lily]
Ted: So, beeing married, different? Not different?
Marshall: It's the same. Mostly, except I think I might be getting carpal tunnel. My hands keeps cramping up.
Barney: I think the whole point of getting married was that you didn't have to do that anymore.
Marshall: No, it's from writing all the thank you notes. Mostly.
Lily: Yeah. You're writing constantly. There's forms we have to sign, our death folders, thank you notes...
Barney: Whoa. Whoa. What are death folders?
Lily: It's this thing they recommend you do in case one spouse died unexpectedly.
Marshall: It's all the information your spouse might need all in one convenient location.
Lily: Yeah. Account info, important addresses, a letter to the other person, all that stuff. I'll get the next round.
Ted: Thanks.
(Lily leaves)
Marshall: I am such a jerk.
Barney: Yeah. Wait, why?
Marshall: I didn't know that I was supposed to write a letter. All Lily's gonna find in that folder are a bunch of bank statements and a funny list of things to do with my ashes.
Ted: Marshall brownies.
Marshall: Number six. Yeah. Oh, God, I am a bad husband. No, uh, no, I'll just write, I'll write Lily a letter tonight, everything'll be fine.
Barney: That's right. Unless... you die between now and then. Ooh. But, come on, that's never gonna happen.
Ted: Yes! There is one thing we can state with absolute certainly, it's that Marshall Eriksen is not going to die before writing that letter.
Barney: No way at all. In fact, I dare God to smite down this perfectly healthy...
Marshall: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I get it, okay, you guys know I'm a little superstitious, and you guys are trying to freak me out. Well, guess what? It didn't work. So, there.
(Marshall knocks the table three times, throw salt behind his shoulder and turns a lot of times...)
Marshall: You guys are jerks!
(He leaves)
["How I Met Your Mother", credits]Narrator: (Flashback of Robin and Ted hugging after breaking up) So, after Robin and I broke up, she needed some time away.
[A house in Argentina - Robin/Gael]
Narrator: Away from her normal home, her normal life, and it turns out, her normal self.
(They are sitting and eating, with a lot of people)
Robin: I was just so uptight in New York, you know? I mean, down here everybody shares everything. It's like we're all one big shimmering ball of positive energy. I wonder if anyone's ever thought that before.
Gael: Here. Eat. If we run out of fish I will catch more with my hands.
(Drums playing)
Robin: A drum circle! They're different every time. Let's go watch!
[End Flashback]
[The Bar - Robin/Ted/Lily/Barney]
Robin: And here I am at the drum circle.
Barney: Whoa. Are you topless? Ted, check this out.
Ted: Seen 'em.
Lily: Wow. It seems like a great trip.
Robin: Oh, it was. I feel like the Robin who left is not the same Robin who came back, you know.
Lily: Wow. There's a lot of nude people in here.
Barney: You haven't changed, Scherbatsky. You're a sophisticated, scotch-swilling, cigar-smoking, red-meat-eating, g*n-toting new yorker.
Lily: Just shoes and a shirt. That's a look.
Barney: What you are not is a massage-giving, windsurfing, bongo-playing, teetotaling, vegan, peacenik, hippy like you soon to be ex-boyfriend, Gael. Back me up here, Ted.
Ted: I'm just happy Robin's happy.
Robin: Thank you.
Lily: Man, this is like "Where's Waldo" of exposed genitalia. Except that it's really easy to find Waldo.
Robin: I'm evolved, and I'm enjoying living my life a little bit closer to the way Gael and I did in Argentina.
Barney: Please, vacation romances have an expiration date. Gael's got a "Best if banged by" sticker on him. Once your romance starts to stink, you'll dump his ass down the drain like sour milk and go back to being "Unevolved Robin", the one we actually like. Back me up here, Ted.
Ted: I'm just happy Robin's happy.
Barney: I'm telling you, within three days...
Lily: Ooh, here he comes. Switched to big words.
(Gael comes in)
Barney: Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.
Robin: My journey was transformative and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.[/b]
Gael: What are we talking of? Baseball?
Barney: This is all gonna returns to masticate you in the gluteals. Support my hypotehesis, Ted.
Ted: I'm just jubilant my former paramour's jubilant.
[The Apartment - Marshall]
Narrator: That night, Marshall, sit down, to write the letter he hoped Lily would never have to read.
Marshall (voiceover): "My dearest, sweetest, Lily pad. Let this letter be a small beacon, a tiny firefly to help light your way trough the years ahead. My love for you persists, higher than the Himalayas, deeper than a scottish loch. (sobbing) If I died under suspicious circumstances then beware. Trust no one, not even Ted. Especially not Ted. Know that I'll always be there in your heart, whenever you need me. (cry and sobbing) And my love for you will never die. Love. (sobbing) Your Marshmallow." (cry and inhales sarply)
(He opens Lily's envelop)
Lily (voiceover): "M., Atm Pin Code: 5-4-5-9. Teacher's pension account: a-3-9-3-2. Cancel Vogue. L."
[The Bar - Gael/Robin/Lily/A lot of girls]
Gael: My windsurfing board... it had floated away. And the shark... he was getting closer. They say to escape you punch a shark in the nose. But I said... "Brother shark, we are both children from the same earth mother." (Lily sighs) And that's all I remember until the hospital.
(Further in the bar)
Barney: That guy...
Ted: Yeah. That guy. Look at how easy he has it.
Barney: Well. You and me, we have to bend over backwards to get a woman to, well, bend over backwards. But that guy... every woman in the bar is hanging on his every slightly mispronounced word. And why?
Ted: He's better looking than us.
Barney: No. Because he's from out of town.
Ted: Mmm.
Barney; With an accent and an innoncent smile, you don't even have to try.
Ted: Yeah. Plus a*t*matic out, you're leaving in a couple of days. God, I wish we were tourists.
Barney: Yeah. Actually... You know where I've been meaning to visit?
[New York City - Ahead of the Bar - Ted/Barney]
(Camera shutter clicking)
Ted: Okay, okay. We're from a small town in the south of France. Our plane leaves sunday morning.
(Two girls arrives)
Barney: (With southern accent) Uh, hey, uh, howdy, ladies. Hate to bother you. We seem to be a little bit lost. Would you happen to know which street the statue of liberty's on?
Girl #1: Actually, it's on its own island.
Ted: Oh.
Barney: Oh, it's right. And, thank you very... Uh, my name is, uh, Ignatius Peabody Nobel, from East Westerton, Missouri. And this is my friend... Ted.
Colleen: Hi, um, I'm Colleen.
Barney: Hi, Colleen.
Colleen: This is Lindsay.
Barney: Hi, Lindsay.
Ted: So, hey, you-you ladies, been awful nice to us. What do you say... ah, never mind. No...
Colleen: No, what is it?
Ted: Well, it's just we're leaving sunday morning. It sure would be nice to have some real New Yorkers show us around.
Barney: Yeah.
Lindsay: Well. We're tonight, but... maybe tomorrow afternoon? Atfer lunch?
Barney: Well. Hotdog! Should we... you want to just meet here in front of Mac... MacLaren's pub?
Colleen: It's kind of a lame bar, but sure.
Ted: Really? It doesn't seem that lame to me.
Lindsay: It's pretty lame.
Ted: I think it's cool.
Colleen: We'll see you tomorrow.
Barney: All right.
(They leave)
Ted: (yelling)I'm just saying it seems like a kind of bar a lot of cool people would hang out there.
Barney: Okay. All right.
[The Bar - Robin/Lily]
Lily: So, Gael, huh?
Robin: Mmm.
Lily: Still going strong?
Robin: Yeah. It's great. Amazing, fantastic, awesome.
Lily: Ooh, that's one too many. What's going on?
Robin: Well, now that I'm home, I'm finding myself getting annoyed at things that I loved on vacation.
[Flashback - Argentina - Gael/Robin]
Gael: Here, taste. Experience your food.
Robin: Oh, so good.
[Flashback - Brooklyn - Gael/Robin]
Gael: Here taste. Experience your food.
Robin: Ooh sofa! Ooh sofa! Sofa, sofa, oh... ooh (she grunts)
[Flashback - Argentina - Gael/Robin]Robin: Ooh.
Gael: We're alone, now. I must have you.
(She laughts)
[Flashback - Brooklyn - Gael/Robin]
Robin: Ooh.
Gael: I must have you.
Robin: Laptop! Laptop! Laptop! (She sighs when the laptop fall over)
[End Flashbacks]
[The Bar - Robin/Lily]
Robin: And you know what else? I'm still finding sand everywhere. I mean, we haven't been to the beach since Argentina. Where is all coming from?
Lily: Well, maybe you're just going back to the person you were before the trip.
Robin: But I don't want to. I was so happy down there. No, you know what? I'm done complaining. I'm evolving. Just gonna go with the flow.
[Robin's Apartment (Bathroom) - Robin](She takes a shower and someone enters in the bathroom)
Robin: Wow. Gael, you're peeing while I'm in the shower. Okay. Okay, old Robin would have been like, dude, ocupado. But now, you know what, I'm cool with it. Pee it up. In fact, when you're done, why won't you come in here and join me?
A guy (but he's not Gael): Don't mind if I do, love.
(She screams and get out of the bathroom)
Robin: Gael, there's some weird du.. (A lot of people is on her apartment) Hello.
Gael: Hey. Good news. I made some travelling friends today, and they'll be staying with us. How do you say... indefinetly?!
All: G'day.
[The Apartment - Lily/Marshall]Lily: Oh, here. Will you sign this thank you note?
Marshall: Wow. Both sides. You wrote on both sides of a thank you note to my third cousin for a blender that you haven't even taken out of the box.
Lily: Wow, it's a really nice blender.
Marshall: Well, if you love that blender so much, why don't you just marry it.
Lily: I can't. I married you. That's how we got the blender. What's wrong?
Marshall: Nothing. Nothing's wrong. What could be wrong? Except that when you die, I'm gonna find out that your parting words to comfort me for all eternity were "Cancel Vogue".
Lily: How can you open my letter?
Marshall: That was not a letter. It was barely even a text message. Next time you write something that short, at least have the courtesy to make it rhyme.
Lily: Marshall, wait. (He opens the door) This was our first fight as a married couple.
Marshall: Oh, baby.
Lily: Oh.
(He leaves the apartment)
[Pictures of New York]
Narrator: Kids, when you visited New York, there are count of something funny to see and do. And yes Colleen and Linsay took us to Tater-Skinz.
[Tater-Skinz - Lindsay/Ted/Barney/Colleen]
Colleen: This is our favorite restaurant in the city.
Ted: Yes, I'm sure this is the best of their 57 "spudtacular" east coast locations.
Lindsay: I'm going to run to the restroom.
Colleen: I'm gonna go, too.
(They leaves to the restroom) (Barney growls, Ted groans and Barney laughts)
Barney: This is the easiest date ever. You know what I'm gonna try next? A knock, knock joke.
Ted: Easiest? Somehow we have managed to find the two lamest new yorkers of all time.
Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted. Dude.
Ted: I'm looking at you. What?
Barney: Right. Stay with me. We are on the cusp of moving from out-of-towners to in-their-pantsers. Ay-o?
(They make a high-five)
Ted: All right, Ignatius, one more hour.
Barney: Nice. (The girls are coming in) Nice. Hey, nice.
Lindsay: Hey. Our friends invited us to a party. You guys want to come along?
Barney: Knock, knock.
Lindsay: Who's there?
Barney: Yes, we do.
(All laughing)
[Robin's apartment - Robin/Gael/Gael's friends]
Robin: Quick announcement. I am so glad that you're here, fellow travelers. A couple rules... not even rules. Let's call them guidelines for harmonious living. Guideline for harmonious living number one ; The kitchen sink is for dishes, the toilet is for pee-pee. G.F.H.L. number two ; Marijuana is illegal in the United States, even when baked into a blueberry muffin that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast right before they leave for their job as a TV Newscaster. "This just in: Look at my hand, how weird is my hand?" is not an appropriate thing to say on the air. And number three... I... (All cherring). (Yelling) And number three is please keep the noise to a minimum. I have to take a nap. I'm still pretty baked.
[In the Cab - Barney/Colleen/Ted/Lindsay]
Barney: Everything's so bright, even at night. No wonder the city never sleeps. (Barney and Colleen laughing)
Ted: Hey. If we're going north, why did we cross over the FDR? We should have taken the Hudson.
Barney: (scoffing) Now he knows all the streets. Someone's been watching too many "Steinfield reruns". (Woman laughing, Ted laughts sarcastically)
Ted: Where are we even going anyway?
Lindsay: 148th and Brook Avenue.
Ted: A hundred... on the south of Bronx at this time of night? We're going to get k*lled.
Barney: Ted. I think these local new yorkers know more about the city than we do, so relax. We're in very capable hands.
[(Later) South of Bronx - Ted/Barney/Lindsay/Colleen/Policeman]
(Sirenes wails)
Ted: There were three of them, at least two g*n... they took all our money.
Barney: Well. I only had traveler's checks.
[The Apartment - Lily/Marshall]
Marshall: Hey, babe. I've been thinking about our fight.
Lily: Yes?
Marshall: I'm really, really... surprised that you haven't apologized to me yet.
Lily: Wow. You really want to open this up again. Oh, I forgot, you open everything up, even if you're not supposed to until I'm d*ad.
Marshall: You know that is important to me. Why won't you just write the letter?
Lily: Because, I can't bear the thought of not being with you, not even for long enough to write you a stupid letter.
Marshall: Really?
Lily: Yes, really. Plus, I know as soon as I write it, you're just going to open it up and read it again.
Marshall: Lily, I won't, I promise.
Lily: Okay. I'll write you a letter for my death folder.
Marshall: Do you mind, um, maybe slipping in a little bit of dirty stuff, too?
Lily: I tell you what. How about I make it all dirty stuff and slip in a little clean stuff?
Marshall: You're the best. And maybe a couple polaroids?
[South of Bronx - Ted/Barney/Colleen/Lindsay]Ted: Come on. Let's get out of here. This night's a disaster.
Barney: What?! This night couldn't have gone any better. We've just survived a mugging. You know what that means.
Ted: "Thank God, we're alive" sex.
Barney: "Thank God we're alive" sex. It's even better than "I can't believe you just proposed to me" sex, which I've only had, like, four of five times. Ted, please, we are so close.
Ted: All right. I'm in. I've never worked this hard for anything in my life.
(They join the girls)
Ted: Whew.
Lindsay: Wow. I think we all need to go back to our place and recover.
Colleen: Yeah. I just want to celebrate the fact that we survived. You know?
Barney: Mmm-mm. Me too. So where do you live?
Ted: What? West village?
Colleen: Close. West Orange.
Ted: West Orange? New Jersey?
Collee: Yeah.
Ted: You guys live in New Jersey, not New York?
Barney: Theodore.
Colleen: Yep.
Ted: New Jersey?
Barney: Teddy?
Colleen: Yeah. But don't worry, it's pretty much New York.
Ted: Oh, no. Oh, no.
Barney: Oh, no.
Ted: New Jersey is not "pretty much New York". You are not "pretty much new yorkers".
Colleen: And how would you know?
Ted: Because I live here. That's right. I live here. Yes, we're full of crap. Yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. But you know what's even worse than that?! Saying you're a new yorker when you're not. Because, this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a new yorker. So why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the Holland tunnel and flush yourselves back to "pretty much New York"? Because I will do a lot to get laid, but I am not going to New Jersey!
(Lindsay huffs)
Barney: (with an accent) You're not from Missouri? Well, I will be a monkey's unc...
Colleen: Ew. (To the Policeman) Can we get a ride?
Barney: Hey, um, sir, can we get ride, too?
Policeman: Newark, born and raised.
[Robin's Apartment (Bedroom) - Robin/Gael]
(Drumming) (Robin go to the living-room)
Robin: Can you please keep it down?
(There is another Robin... The other Robin sighs and stop drumming)
Robin #2: What happened to you, man? You said you wouldn't change, but look at you. No more tan, no more beaded braids, no more lush, untamed forest of leg and armpit hair. You're back at work. What gives?
Robin: Well. I have to have a job.
Robin #2: "I have to have a job", God, that's so american.
Robin: I'm canadian. You know that.
Robin #2: What about the important things like making your own jewerly and lying on the beach and thinking about peace? God, don't you care about thinking about peace?
Robin: Wow. I just realized something.
Robin #2: That you've lost your way.
Robin: No, that you really suck. You're boring and lame and you're getting sand everywhere. Seriously, where is all the sand coming from? You're not the real me. All you are is me on vacation trying to get away from a break-up.
Robin #2: Don't you remember Argentina?
(Drumming) (Robin #2 stand up and approach Robin)
Robin #2: Don't you want to go back?
Robin: What are you doing?
Robin #2: Shh. Let this happen.
(Robin #2 wants to kiss Robin)
(But it was just a dream...)
(Robin stand up very quickly and gasps. Drumming) (She go to her living-room, the travelers are here)
Robin: All right, everyone out! I said everyone out!
(Robin go to her bedroom, takes her g*n and returns to the living-room)
(Drumming stops, panicked shouting)
All: All right, we're living, we're leaving, okay. Michael Moore was so right about americans.
(She returns to her bedroom and slam the door)
Robin: (yelling) I'm canadian!
(Gael wakes up)
Gael: Robin, are you okay?
Robin: No, I'm not. Listen, Gael, I need to talk to you about something.
Narrator: After they broke-up, Robin went back to being Robin.
[The Bar - Barney/Robin]
Barney: Welcome home, Scherbatsky.
Robin: Oh, good to be back. Although it's weird, vacation Robin popped into my dream again last night.
Barney: Listening.
Robin: This time we went all the way. Tell you one thing. She is maybe sandy but that chick knows what I like.
[The Apartment - Lily/Marshall]
Lily: Okay, I'm done... but I really don't want you reading this unless... you know, something happens. Can you swear to me you won't open it?
Marshall: Totally. What does it say?
Lily: Marshall, I'm serious.
Marshall: Okay. I promise I won't, I won't open that until you're d*ad.
Lily: Okay.
Narrator: And through 22 wonderful years of marriage, Marshall kept his promise.
[Title: The Year 2029]
[Marshall's desk - Marshall]
Narrator: Until November 1 of last year when, sadly...
(Marshall opens the letter)
Lily (voiceover): "Busted! I knew you'd read this. You suck, Marshall, you totally suck."
Marshall: That's it? I suck. Lily.
(Lily comes in)
Lily: Yes, you suck. You said you wouldn't read it and you did.
Marshall: Well, you didn't keep your promise either. I don't see any dirty pictures in here.
Lily: Oh, fine, I'll take the dirty pictures.
Marshall: I don't want 'em now.
Lily: What is that supposed to mean?
Marshall: What?! Nothing. Nothing. You're beautiful. I would love the photos. Have I told you how beautiful you look?
THE END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x02 - We're Not from Here"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
YEAR 2030
INT. LIVING ROOM
(Daughter and Son sitting on couch)
Future Ted: Kids, I know you think that you've heard every story from back before I met your mother. But there are some stories you tell and some stories you don't.
INT. MEN'S RESTROOM
(Ted rushes in while on his cell phone)
Ted: Oh my God. Barney...oh my God.
(Barney on his cell phone while up at Ted's apartment)
Barney: Use your words, Ted.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: OK. Barney, I'm about to go for the belt.
(Barney on phone)
Barney: The belt?
(Ted on phone)
Ted: The belt.
(Barney on phone)
Barney: But that's impossible. You were up here less than half an hour ago.
(flashback to 'less than half an hour ago,' Barney and Marshall are playing Wii tennis in the living room)
Marshall: Yes, advantage Ericksen.
Barney: Don't get cocky. Wimbledon lasts a fortnight.
Marshall: Fortnight. British words are so cool. Plus, did you know lawyers there get to wear wigs? I wear a wig to work, I'm a jackass.
(Ted enters the living room from his bedroom)
Ted: All right, I'm ready, let's h*t it.
Marshall: Can't go. Tournament.
Ted: What? We agreed, I suited up.
Barney: You take too long to get ready
Ted: What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
Marshall: Yeah, which takes an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace.
Ted: Ha ha ha ha. Look, are we going or not?
Barney: Just go without us, we'll be there in five minutes.
Ted: Really?
Barney, Marshall: Yes.
Ted: All right, going down to the bar and ordering three beers, I'll see you in five minutes.
(Ted opens front door to leave)
Ted: (holding up appropriate number of fingers) 3 beers, 5 minutes.
(Ted leaves, Marshall and Barney make strange finger movements mocking Ted's; Lily and Robin enter living room area from Lily's bedroom)
Robin: Thanks for lending me these boots. Where did you get them from?
Lily: Oh, this store in the Village had one of those crazy sales. It was a footwear feeding frenzy.
(flashback to Lily in shoe store with lots of woman hurriedly grabbing merchandise)
Lily: I saw it first.
(Lily fighting over a boot with a blonde girl, boot slips out of Lily's hand and she falls down)
Lily: You just made the list, bitch.
(back to first flashback)
Barney: So many questions. Firstly, what do you think would happen if a guy walked into that store wearing a suit of boots?
Lily: You look fantastic in them, Robin. But don't you think they're a little high for that dress?
Robin: Oh, that's the point. It's to hide the point that I haven't shaved my legs. I've g*n a strict no-shave policy for the first three dates. It's all about self-control. If I don't shave, I must behave.
Barney: FYI, it doesn't matter, baby. Guys just wanna get on the green. They don't mind going through the rough.
(Marshall jumps up to h*t an overhead sh*t)
Marshall: Shekwakie.
(Barney's cell phone rings, Barney takes phone out of his pocket and answers)
Barney: Stinson.
(Ted, down at bar, on phone)
Ted: All right, the beers are here.
Barney: Yeah, we're not gonna make it.
Ted: Oh come on, we agreed...Did Marshall take his pants off?
(Barney on phone, Marshall wearing boxers)
Barney: Yeah, pants are off.
Marshall: This is Wimbledon, Ted. I need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide. Cheerio.
(Barney and Ted hang up)
Ted: Fine, I don't need friends. I got you guys. You guys are my friends, my cold refreshing friends. I'm talking to beer.
(Trudy walks up behind Ted)
Trudy: Ted.
(Ted turns around)
Trudy: Trudy.
Ted: Trudy. Oh my God, I haven't seen you since...
(flashback to 'about 2 years ago', Ted and Trudy making out in his room and then back to present scene)
Trudy: I slept with you, then climbed down the f*re escape?
Ted: That was you? Kidding. I was super wasted... that night. These are not all for me.
(Trudy sitting at bar, Ted talking to her)
Ted: No, I was gonna call you but I was so embarrassed.
Trudy: You were embarrassed? I was like, I really like this guy and now I'm climbing out his window.
(Ted laughs)
Trudy: And I forgot my underwear.
Ted: Those were yours? I thought they felt kinda tight. Kidding, I don't wear underwear, ladies underwear. Often. Again, I'm kidding.
Trudy: I am so glad I ran into you.
Ted: I know, do you wanna get a...
(Ted gets interrupted by Rachel who just notices Trudy)
Rachel: Trudy, no way!
Trudy: Oh my God, Rachel, how are you?
(Rachel and Trudy scream and hug)
Trudy: Ted, this is Rachel.
Rachel: Hi.
Rachel, Trudy: Kappa Epsilon Gamma! Whoo!
Ted: Let me guess, you guys met in prison.
Rachel: No, we're sorority sisters.
Trudy: And best friends forever, all h*m* year.
Rachel: When we weren't at each other's throats.
Trudy: We could be so competitive. But that's all behind us now.
Rachel: (singing and dancing) Hey, mista...
Rachel, Trudy: (Trudy joins in singing and dancing)... hey mista, stay away from my sista.
Trudy: We have so much catching up do to.
(Trudy and Rachel walk away from Ted together)
Rachel: OK, are you going to Stacy's wedding?
Trudy: Oh, it's off, apparently he's into dudes.
Rachel: No! Again? That's like her third one.
Trudy: I know.
Ted: Well, beers, what do you want to do? Stay here, or I know this other place called my belly.
(Rachel returns to Ted)
Rachel: So, Trudy and I got a table.
Ted: Oh, that's cool, I was gonna get outta here anyway, I'm really tired.
Rachel: But I want you to stay.
Ted: Tired of people who fold early 'cause I am wide awake.
(Rachel laughs and heads back to her table, Ted turns to his beers and picks them up)
Ted: OK, guys, be cool.
OPENING CREDITS
INT. APARTMENT
(Barney and Marshall playing Wii tennis, Marshall serves)
Marshall: Kazouwee. Vanquished, old bean.
Barney: That's 'cause you distracted me. You've been hanging crumpet ever since the third set.
(Marshall turns around to rearrange himself, Barney's phone rings, Barney answers)
Barney: Stinson.
(Ted on phone at bar standing away from table Rachel and Trudy are sitting at)
Ted: I've got a situation. Trudy is here, you know, the pineapple incident.
(Barney on phone)
Barney: You mean, the girl who chalked your pool cue and snuck down the f*re escape.
Respect.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: So, we're hitting it off and then her friend shows up and they're kinda competitive.
I think the new girl's kinda into me.
(Barney on phone)
Barney: So you now have two on the line?
(Ted on phone)
Ted: And I don't know which one to go for.
Barney: Go for the new girl.
(Barney on phone)
Barney: Given the choice, always party with Dr. Strangelove.
Lily: New girl? What new girl?
Barney: Two girls are allegedly vying for Ted's affections and I think...
Lily: Oh, you don't know what you're talking about. Give it to me.
(Lily takes phone from Barney)
Lily: Are they friends? (Ted on phone)
Ted: Yeah. No, I don't know. They're old sorority sisters.
Lily: Are they Betas?
(Lily on phone)
Lily: Because they're all sluts and you can tell them right now I didn't wanna be in their sorority anyway.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: They're Kappas and I think I can score with one of them. I don't know which one and if I choose wrong, I lose 'em both.
(Lily on phone)
Lily: OK, well, don't worry, I'll come down and help you figure it out.
(Lily and Ted hang up phone)
Marshall: I thought we were in for the evening.
Barney: That's what I thought about your bangers and mash down there but I guess we're both wrong, governor.
(Marshall turns around to rearrange again) INT. MACLAREN'S
(Ted returns to table)
Trudy: Oh, Ted, OK, settle an argument. Is it stealing if you go out with someone's boyfriend after they've broken up?
Ted: Well, that's very complicated.
Rachel: See, he agrees with me. You're such a little man-thief.
Trudy: You're the man-thief, man-thief.
Ted: Oh, somebody should lock you girls up.
(Rachel and Trudy laugh)
Trudy: You're so funny. I think Ted is funny.
Rachel: Really? I think Ted is hilarious.
(Ted's phone rings)
Ted: (muttering to himself) I am never not wearing a suit again.
(Ted answers phone)
Ted: Hello.
(Lily on phone standing next to bar)
Lily: It's me, I'm at the bar. Don't look, just call me mom.
Ted: Hi Mom, how's dad's colon?
Lily: What? What's the matter with you? Anyway, both of these girls are into you. Take your pick.
Ted: They are? Are you sure?
Lily: Yes, of course. They're playing with their hair and touching your arm. Class green light.
Ted: Are you positive?
INT. RESTAURANT
(Robin on date, flipping her hair)
Robin: That is so fascinating. So what happened?
(Robin reaches over and touches her date's arm)
Robin's date: Well, after eighteen hours of surgery, I closed and thankfully both girls just celebrated their second birthday.
Robin: Wow, gosh, separating conjoined twins. That must be the most amazing feeling.
Robin's date: True, but now the parents don't know what to do with their huge supply of four-legged overalls.
(Robin laughs and flips her hair)
Robin: That is so funny. You are so funny.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Ted and Lily on phone with each other)
Lily: Positive. They both want you bad. It's a clearance sale and you're the boots, baby.
(Rachel and Trudy both smile at Ted)
Lily: Oh, it's Robin. Good luck.
Ted: Bye mom.
(Ted hangs up phone)
Ted: My mom.
(Lily answers call from Robin)
Lily: Hello.
(Robin on phone while standing in the ladies room)
Robin: Bring me a razor.
(Lily on phone)
Lily: What about the no-shave rule? What happened to your convictions?
(Robin on phone)
Robin: They've been surgically removed by Dr. Awesome.
(Lily on phone)
Lily: No, I'm not doing it. The whole point to not shaving...
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Lily, please, he's really cute and I really like him. And he's got a British accent.
(Lily on phone)
Lily: I'm on my way.
(Lily hangs up and rushes out of bar)
Ted: So, this college boyfriend, who, who won him?
Trudy: Neither of us.
Rachel: He left, junior year abroad.
Trudy: It's really too bad. There was that one thing we wanted to do.
Rachel: We were gonna do, but never did.
Ted: What? What, what were you guys gonna do but never did.
Rachel: No, It's too embarrassing. You tell him.
Trudy: No, you tell him.
Rachel: I don't care if you don't care.
Trudy: I don't care.
Ted: Nobody cares, just say it.
Rachel: Why don't we tell him together?
Trudy: OK, on three.
Trudy: One.
(Lily enters front door of apartment)
Lily: Well, he's right, it's a d*ad heat.
(Trudy and Rachel both get closer to Ted)
Trudy: Two.
(Lily continues walking into apartment)
Lily: Neither one is giving ground. I could not tell who was the third wheel.
(Rachel and Trudy both put their hand on Ted's leg)
Trudy: Three
INT. MEN'S RESTROOM
(Ted on cell phone)
Ted: It's a tricycle.
(Barney on phone)
Barney: No way, no way, no way!
Marshall: What's happening?
(Barney passes phone to Marshall)
Ted: It's a tricycle.
Marshall: No way, no way, no way. It's a tricycle.
Lily: Well, I'll just say it right now, all sorority girls are sluts.
Barney: Put him on speaker.
Barney: So what you're saying to us right now is you have a sh*t at the belt?
Marshall: Wait wait wait, what belt?
Ted: Barney and I have this running joke that the first guy to actually pull this off would win the championship belt.
Marshall: Oh, so it's a metaphorical belt, right?
(flashback to Barney removing a large belt from a box) Barney: Behold.
Ted: You actually bought a belt.
Barney: That's right, it's resplendent.
Ted: It's just a thing we said, we were kidding around.
Barney: I never kid. Remember you said if I ever slept with that girl from Days of our Lives, I'd be the king? Well...
(Barney pulls a crown out of the box and puts it on his head) (back to present scene)
Marshall: Why wasn't I told about the belt? I could go for the belt.
Marshall: If Lily were to die before me, then I could ride the tricycle.
Lily: If I died, I'd just come back and haunt your penis.
Ted: Guys, come on, help me out. What do I do?
Barney: All right, Ted, if you're about to go for the belt, then the bylaws require me to ask the following questions. One, is the aggregate age of all the participants under 83?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Two, is the aggregate weight of all participants under 400 pounds.
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Theodore Mosby, are you paying these women?
Ted: What? No.
Barney: Ted?
Ted: No. Look, I gotta go. They're gonna think I inherited my dad's imaginary bathroom issues.
(Ted hangs up_
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Ted walks in from restroom, Trudy and Rachel are walking towards front door)
Ted: Oh, are you guys leaving?
Rachel: Well, it is getting pretty late.
Ted: Right, well...
Trudy: I thought maybe we could all go and listen to that Wilco CD you talked about before.
Ted: Great, I have it right upstairs. It's in my apartment upstairs. Let's so upstairs.
Rachel: I'm sorry, where was your apartment again?
Ted: That's funny. I love that. You should tell more jokes at my apartment upstairs.
(Rachel and Trudy walk toward front door, Ted walks behind them while he texts from his cell phone)
INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall and Lily talking in living room)
Marshall: Scenario number 12. We're in a horrific car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses with a six-pack of wine coolers sneak into my room late at night. I try to blink at them in morse code, "Please, don't, I love my d*ad wife," but they're medical professionals and I gotta think somehow they're saving my life.
Lily: Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.
Marshall: I already did this morning.
(Lily's phone rings, she answers)
Lily: Hello.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Lily, I have pounded three cappuccinos waiting for you. Pretty soon I won't have to shave, the hair is going to vibrate off my legs.
(Lily on phone)
Lily: Sorry, I can't leave now.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Lily, he can't see my legs like this. I look like a Turkish lesbian
(Lily hangs up)
INT. RESTAURANT
(Robin hangs up phone, waitress comes over to her table)
Robin: There is a pharmacy across the street. Would 20 bucks buy me a razor?
Waitress: No, but fifty will.
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily, Marshall and Barney in living room, Barney's phone beeps)
Barney: Oh, hold on. Ted's texting me. (reading text) We're combing upsars.
Marshall: We're combing upsars? What does that mean?
Lily: He's coming upstairs!
(Lily, Marshall and Barney scramble around the living room; Ted, Rachel and Trudy walk up the hallway towards his apartment, Ted drops his keys)
Marshall: Where are my pants? Where's my pants!
(Ted picks up his keys)
Ted: Got 'em.
(Ted, Rachel and Trudy walk through front door)
Rachel: Ooh, nice place!
(Rachel notices Marshall and Lily's wedding photo and picks it up)
Rachel: Hey, are these your roommates?
Ted: Yes, yes, but they are not here. They are somewhere else. We have total privacy because privacy is essential when you're listening to music.
Rachel: You know what else is essential when you're listening to music? Music.
Ted: That's hilarious. You are hilarious. I'll go get it in my bedroom. The CD's in my bedroom. Bedroom.
Rachel: OK, we'll try and stay out of trouble.
Trudy: Of course we can't promise anything.
(Rachel and Trudy laugh, they sit on the couch)
Ted: This is gonna be awesome.
(Ted walks into his bedroom with Rachel and Trudy's coats, Ted sees Lily, Marshall and Barney in his room)
Ted: No!
(back from commercial break)
Ted: What are you guys doing here? I've got, I've got...
Lily: We know, we know, Ted. Well done, this is very impressive. Up top.
(Lily and Ted high-five)
Marshall: Yeah bro, up top.
(Marshall puts his hand up)
Lily: Oh, don't be gross.
(Lily puts Marshall's hand down)
Ted: You guys need to get out of here right now. Please, take the f*re escape.
Marshall: No, no way. The other day I saw a pigeon take a crap on it and the whole thing shifted.
Lily: Oh, you can use our bedroom.
Ted: OK, all I need to seal the deal is the Wilco CD...Barney.
(Barney picks up CD from Ted's bedside table and snaps it in half)
Ted: What are you doing?
Barney: I cannot allow Ted to do this.
Ted: Why, why?
Barney: Because the belt is my birthright. You can't claim it before I do. That would be like Jimmy Olsen capturing Lex Luther while Superman watches impotently from the bedroom.
Marshall: But Barney, you've done way dirtier stuff than Ted. You're disgusting.
Barney: I've never ridden the tricycle. I was on the verge last year, it was so close.
(flashback to Barney sitting in a living room with two girls)
Barney: So, ladies, why don't we move this party to a more horizontal location?
(Barney leans closer to Blonde Girl and accidentally knocks over wine glass and spills red wine on white carpet)
Blonde Girl: Oh my God. My new carpet. Oh my God, this is a disaster, You get the carpet cleaner, I'll get a towel.
Brunette Girl: OK.
(Blonde Girl and Brunette Girl get up)
Barney: I'll get the video camera.
Blonde Girl: Get out!
Barney: OK then.
(back to present scene)
Ted: Let me get this straight. You're gonna trike block me? That is so petty. It's like you're...
Marshall: Tom Petty.
Ted: Tom Petty. You're Tom Petty.
(Ted turns around and sees his door open and Lily not in his room anymore)
Ted: Where's Lily?
(Ted walks out of his room to find Lily standing, looking at girls on couch, Ted pushes her into his room)
Ted: Still looking for that CD, so...
(Ted goes back into his room)
Ted: What are you doing?
Lily: I knew it. I had a hunch about that girl and I was right.
(flashback to Lily at shoe sale fighting over boot)
Lily: I saw it first.
(Lily's grasp of boot slips and she falls)
Lily: You just made the list, bitch.
(camera shows Rachel holding boot Lily just fought over)
(back to present scene)
Lily: I cannot give up my bedroom to a boot thief. She should be punished, not rewarded.
Ted: Fine, then I'll try to work in a little light spanking. Just do this for me.
Lily: No, never.
(Lily turns away from Ted and crosses her arms)
Ted: What if I reimburse you for the boots, full retail?
(Lily turns back to Ted with her hand out)
Lily: Thanks, enjoy our bedroom.
(Ted gets money out and gives it to Lily)
Ted: OK, take it.
(Lily takes money)
Ted: Wish me luck.
(Ted checks out his hair in the mirror, steps towards the door, steps back to mirror and touches up his hair again, steps towards the door, steps back to mirror and continues to touch up his hair
Barney: Oh my God.
(Ted heads out his door)
INT. RESTAURANT
(Waitress stands at Robin's table, Robin looks through brown paper bag)
Robin: Where's the shaving cream?
Waitress: Well, you didn't ask me for shaving cream.
Robin: Well, it was implied. Who buys a razor without buying shaving cream?
Waitress: Well, who doesn't shave their legs for her date?
Robin: Well, who's not getting a tip because of her attitude?
Waitress: Well, here's a little tip for you. Shave your legs before you leave the house, Sasquatch.
Robin's date: Hey Robin, the valet's brought the car around. I thought we'd go back to my place. You in the mood for a night cap?
Robin: Absolutely. I just have to go to the ladies room. I've got TB...tiny bladder. I'll meet you out front?
Robin's date: Yeah.
(Robin walks into the ladies room, puts her purse down on the sink counter and takes out the razor from her bag, Robin props her right foot on the counter and unzips her boot, grabs the soap and pumps it but no soap comes out)
Robin: You've gotta be kidding me.
(Robin walks out into the restaurant with her right boot still down, grabs the butter from the nearest table)
Robin: Excuse me.
(Robin heads back to the ladies room with the butter, props right foot back up on the counter, rubs butter over her right leg and begins to shave, slips and falls backwards)
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted walks back into the living room)
Ted: So, I'm having a little trouble finding the CD.
Rachel: That's OK, we don't need music to have fun.
(Rachel seats Ted down between herself and Trudy)
Ted: Exactly.
Trudy: You do like to have fun, don't you Ted?
(Ted smiles at Trudy, image of belt shows up over his forehead while Ted starts to look nervous and sweaty)
Ted: It's getting late, I'll get your coats.
(Ted gets up while Trudy and Rachel look surprised)
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Ted enters his room)
Lily: I'll get your coats? Ted: I don't know why I said that. Why did I say that? It's the opposite of what I meant. I wanna take clothes off them, not put more on.
Marshall: Ted, you're ruining this for everyone.
Barney: Leave him alone! Sometimes even the greatest warriors sh**t themselves in the foot.
Lily: What are you talking about? Barney: If you must know, it wasn't a freak beverage malfunction that stopped me from riding the tricycle that night.
(flashback to Barney sitting on the ground of a living with two girls)
Blonde Girl: So, Barney, why don't we take this party to a more horizontal location?
(Barney looks at both girls, image of belt flashes across his eyes, Barney looks nervous and sweaty, Barney purposely knocks over wine glass and spills red wine over white carpet)
Barney: Oh no, the night's ruined!
Brunette Girl: No, baby, it's not.
Barney: Yes it is. Whatever this night was heading towards is ruined. Where's my coat?
(Barney hurriedly gets up) (back to present scene)
Marshall: Why would you do that to yourself?
Barney: Because you get up in your head, man. Start thinking, I can't do this. It's two women. That's two of everything, four of some things. The logistics alone are enough to cripple even a pro like me.
Ted: See? If a complete degenerate like Barney choked, what chance do I have?
Barney: The best chance in the world. Fear took the belt from me. Fear rode the tricycle that night, my friends. But fear will not get a second turn.
Ted: It won't?
Barney: No, because I now realize it isn't my destiny to win the belt. It is my destiny to help my friend win it. Ted is fated to go there first. He is our Neil Armstrong. (laughs) Space-suit-up, Ted, 'cause you're going to the moon. Step 1.
(fantasy scenario, Ted walks into living room in dressing gown)
Ted: Ladies, couldn't find your coats but I did find tequila.
Trudy, Rachel: Oh!
(Ted turns on fireplace with a remote control)
(Fantasy Scenario Ted talks to camera)
Ted: Wait, wait wait, a remote control f*re place? We don't have a remote control f*re place.
(back to present scene) Barney: Right, that's my apartment. Dressing gown's mine too. Damn, this should be me.
Anyway, continue.
(Fantasy scenario, Trudy, Ted and Rachel dancing in living room then plop down on the couch)
Rachel: I am so exhausted.
Trudy: So exhausted.
(Fantasy Scenario Ted talks to camera)
Ted: Why would I want to tire them out?
(back to present scene in Ted's room)
Barney: That's your excuse to unleash pretext for physical contact number one.
(Fantasy scenario continues, Rachel reclining in couch)
Rachel: You give the most amazing foot massage.
Ted: It's 'cause I used to practice all the time on my grandmother.
(Fantasy Scenario Ted talks to camera)
Ted: Why in God's name would I say that?
(back to present scene in Ted's room) Barney: It's endearing, you're a caregiver. Never take family values out of the equation.
Step three.
(Fantasy scenario continues, Ted is massaging Rachel's feet, Trudy is holding grapes)
Trudy: Ted, what's wrong?
Ted: I was just thinking about this documentary I saw once about something called a supervolcano.
(Fantasy Scenario Ted talks to camera)
Ted: OK, what the hell.
(back to present scene in Ted's room)
Barney: OK, wait for it.
(Fantasy scenario continues)
Ted: Could happen at any time and obliterate all life on earth, which is why I live by three simple words. Don't postpone joy.
Rachel: Oh my God.
Trucy: That's so true.
Ted: Yeah.
(back to present scene in Ted's room)
Ted: Mortality angle, that's actually pretty good. I can do this.
Barney: Yes you can.
Lily: I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I'm actually moved. Bring it in, guys.
(Barney, Ted, Marshall and Lily group-hug)
Ted: All right.
(Ted walks over to his door, grabs doorknob, stops and turns back)
Ted: I'll see you on the other side.
(Ted leaves his bedroom)
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted walks into the living room area to find it empty, Ted hears giggling coming from Marshall and Lily's bedroom, Ted walks over to their bedroom and opens the door, Ted smiles)
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Lily, Barney, Ted and Marshall sitting at booth)
Barney: So, what happened next? Did you do it? Ted: Doesn't seem right to talk about it.
Barney: What? No! Tell me. Don't tell me because you don't have to because you didn't do it.
(Ted shrugs)
Barney: You didn't do it. You did it. You did it, didn't you? Did you?
(Ted shrugs)
Barney: You didn't do it. Yes, you did. You did. No, you... Just tell me!
Ted: Some stories you tell, some stories you don't.
Barney: Because you didn't do it. He didn't do it. You did it, you did it, you did it. Tell me, did you?
(Ted doesn't answer)
Barney: Ted, belt.
(Barney lifts up belt) Barney: Did you? Did you? Or didn't you?
(Ted doesn't answer)
Barney: Did? Tell me. You know if he did it?
INT. RESTAURANT
(Robin's date stands outside the door of the ladies room, Waitress walks by)
Robin's date: Oh hey. Will you go in there and see if my date's OK?
Waitress: No problem.
(Waitress opens door and peeks in, sees Robin lying on floor and smiles, closes door)
Waitress: No, nobody's in there, but the window's actually open.
Robins' date: I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. I mean, she was acting weird all night, right? Waitress: Yeah. You know...
(Waitress laughs, flips her hair and touches his arm)
Waitress: Why don't I buy you a drink?
Robin's date: OK.
(Robin's date and Waitress walk away from the ladies room door)
Waitress: Did I overhear that you're a surgeon?
Robin's date: Guilty as charged.
(Waitress laughs)
Waitress: You're so funny.
(Robin runs out of ladies room)
Robin: I'm here, I'm fine, my head is bleeding. Going down again.
(Robin falls down)
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x03 - Third Wheel"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
Future Ted VO: It was Saturday night in New York City and the young metropolitan set was out on the town, living the kind of crazy lifestyle you can only find in the Big Apple.
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted, Barney and Robin throw peanuts into Marshall's mouth)
Robin, Ted: 97, 98, 99, 100!
Lily: 100! We only got to 82 on our honeymoon.
(Barney laughs)
Lily: So, Robin, I've got a guy for you. He's cute, he's funny, he's smart.
Ted: What's his 'but'?
Lily: What do you mean? Ted: When someone wants to set you up they always tell you the good qualities first but then they leave out their huge flaw.
(flashback to MacLaren's, Barney telling Ted about a girl)
Barney: She's totally hot and really fun.
Barney: (to himself) But she has a d*ad tooth.
(flashback to MacLaren's, Marshall telling Ted about a girl)
Marshall: She's superhot and she's so successful.
Marshall: (to himself) But she has a pug that she pushes around in a stroller.
(flashback to MacLaren's, Lily and Ted sit at booth, Lily tells Ted about a girl)
Lily: She's so cute and she's so smart.
Lily: (to herself) But her last boyfriend had to get a restraining order against her and then his cat and new vacuum cleaner both went missing.
Ted: Wow, set it up.
(back to present scene)
Ted: I'm still convinced she k*lled my turtle.
Robin: Hey, you know what, not every setup has a 'but'. What about, um, Jamie, that girl that Lily set you up with? She was really nice.
Barney: If memory serves me, she had a huge 'but'. Her huge butt. Nailed it!
(Ted and Barney h*t fists)
Lily: Well, there's nothing wrong with this guy. He's really nice and he's really cute.
Ted: But? Lily: Fine, but he has a kid.
Marshall: Oh.
Ted: Aha! There it is. Robin's not going out with a guy with a kid.
Lily: But the guy is really great. And his kid's sweet, he's in my class.
Ted: Doesn't matter. Robin hates kids.
Robin: I don't hate kids.
Ted: You told me even when you were a kid, you hated kids.
(flashback to Little Robin and another little girl, little girl sitting in front of TV, Little Robin sitting behind her reading)
Little Girl: Robin, will you watch cartoons with me?
Little Robin: I go to school all week. Can't I just have five minutes to myself to read Highlights and drink my juice?
(back to present scene)
Robin: OK, yes, kids are not my favorite thing in the world but I like them.
Ted: Well, you don't wanna have them.
Robin: I like sports cars but it doesn't mean I wanna push a Ferrari through my vagina
Barney: g*n.
(Marshall laughs)
Marshall: You can't blame us for thinking that the kid would be a problem. I mean, if we were friends with Garfield, we wouldn't set him up on a date with Mondays.
Barney: Nice.
Robin: You know what, the kid is not a problem. I wanna meet this guy.
Lily: OK, that's awesome.
Robin: Yeah. Hey, what's my 'but'? You know, I'm really nice, but...
Ted: (to himself) But she's afraid of commitment.
Lily: (to herself) But she's a g*n nut.
Barney: (to himself) But she's Canadian.
Marshall: (to himself) But she didn't like Field of Dreams.
Barney: I can't think of anything.
Ted: You don't have a 'but'.
OPENING CREDITS
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Barney walks over to Ted sitting at booth)
Barney: OK, I've got it. Here, put on this eye patch.
(Barney throws Ted an eye patch)
Ted: Why?
Barney: The ultimate ice breaker.
(Barney puts on his eye patch)
Barney: A bunch of cobras got loose in Central Park. You and I are jogging, training for the Death Valley Iron Man. No big deal, we do it every year. Suddenly we see these snake bastards sneaking towards a little baby. Not on our watch. You grab the kid, I strangle six cobras with my bare hands. Women of New York, one at a time please.
Ted: So, what are the eye patches for?
Barney: We got bit.
Ted: On the eye? Barney: Yes.
Ted: Both of us.
Barney: They're different eyes. I don't see why this bugs you. Patch up!
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
(Robin and George walking on street)
Future Ted VO: So, Robin went on a date with George, the guy with the kid. And afterwards...
INT. APARTMENT
(Robin enters front door and talks to Lily)
Robin: OK, here's the thing, George is a great guy, we had a wonderful date.
Lily: But?
(flashback to Robin and George walking on street having ice cream on their date) Robin: Great, I can't wait to meet him.
(back to present scene)
Robin: Can't wait to meet him? Why did I say that? I don't wanna meet his kid.
Lily: Well, you knew you'd meet him sooner or later.
Robin: I was just hoping for later, like in 20 years when I'm a cougar and he's as hot as his dad.
Lily: Robin, What's the big deal? He's just a kid. He's not gonna bite. He may bite. We're working on biting.
Robin: Why is this kid around anyway? Shouldn't he be with his mom? What kind of lawyer does this guy have if he has to take care of the kid all the time?
Lily: A good one. He won full custody.
Robin: He won? He won. Oh God, getting the kid is winning, isn't it?
(Lily nods)
Robin: Don't tell anyone I said that.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Barney and Ted sit at booth) Barney: I'm going out, buying eye patches. What are you doing to help score chicks?
Ted: OK, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. People with real game don't need eye patches.
Barney: Oh, Theodore...
(Barney takes off his eye patch)
Barney:...no no no, you can't spell game without me, and me has the best game.
Ted: Yeah, well, I got so much game, I'm Cornish game hen.
Barney: Oh yeah? I'm the New York state gaming commissioner.
Ted: Well, I'm The Game, well-crafted, keep-you-guessing thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.
Barney: Wow.
(Marshall walks over to Ted and Barney's booth)
Marshall: Wow. You're here and not in stall two.
Ted: Yeah, so?
Marshall: I may have made some wildly inappropriate h*m* comments to a gentleman wearing your shoes.
Barney: OK, Marshall.
Marshall: Yes.
Barney: Which one of us has more game?
Marshall: Neither of you guys has any game, right, or else you'd be married like me.
Barney: What? Marshall: If dating is the game, then marriage is winning the game.
Ted: Yeah, if you're playing in the women's league.
Marshall: You're joking. I have mad game, bra.
Barney: OK. One, we agreed not to ever say 'bra' anymore. It was a good week, we had a lot of fun, but it's over. Two, you've been with Lily for eleven years. You're idea of good game is slapping on a Dr. Seuss hat and flashing two tickets to a Spin Doctors concert.
Ted: I hate to say it, buddy, but you're kinda' irrelevant.
Marshall: What? I am not irrelevant. I know tons of stuff. I could help you guys. I don't wanna be left out.
Barney: Ted, you do not have more game than me. By sheer numbers alone, I win. Come on, dude, you've seen my list.
Marshall: Do you guys wanna hear one of my lines?
Ted: First of all, I did not ask to see that list and I am still horrified. True game is about quality, not quantity. And a quality girl would pick me over you any day.
Marshall: Are you a model? That one's good because it's flattering to the girl.
Barney: Ted, I challenge you to a picking-up-girls Olympiad.
Ted: Fine.
Barney: There will be 26 events spread out over 11 weeks. We will travel to a neutral city where a panel of international judges...
Ted: Or we could just choose a girl and the first one to seal the deal wins.
Barney: That's good too.
(Barney looks around and sees blonde girl at bar)
Barney: How about her?
Ted: You're on.
(Ted and Barney shake hands)
Barney: Before we start, why don't we jot down a few basic ground rules?
(Barney hands Ted a pen)
Ted: OK, great. Rule number one, no eye patches or props of any kind.
(Barney gets up while Ted is writing and approaches blonde girl at bar)
Marshall: One time I was with this girl and I tried that model line, and I totally got some over-the-shirt boob action at a Just Say No assembly.
Ted: Just stop. You're bumming everybody out.
(Blonde girl slaps Barney)
Ted: Rule number two, this bet is for one million dollars.
(Barney sits back down at booth)
Barney: I win.
Ted: How?
Barney: Oh, I slept with her, about a year ago, I just forgot.
Ted: Oh, well, that doesn't count. The bet started the moment we shook.
Barney: I can't sleep with her again. She hates me.
Ted: Oh, Interesting. Look who just took a commanding lead. Now, with you out of the picture, I can take my sweet time.
Marshall: Ted, she's leaving.
Ted: Get out of my way.
(Ted gets up quickly and follows blonde girl)
Barney: By the look of those shoes, here comes your bathroom buddy.
(Guy walks over and hands Marshall a card)
Marshall: Look who's got game.
(Marshall puts card in his shirt pocket)
INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT
(George and robin sit at breakfast table drinking wine)
George: You're a big kids person, huh?
Robin: Only the biggest ever. I think kids are so great. Especially the little ones. You know, uh, pudgy, can't sit up, don't have teeth yet.
George: Babies.
Robin: Yeah, I like that kind.
George: Well, Doug's almost six
Robin: Oh, six is great. You are gonna love six. Six is when they really start to... (Robin nods) I hate kids.
George: Excuse me, what? Robin: I mean, I don't hate kids. I'm just not a kid person. I mean, yeah, it's cute that their shoes are real little, but beyond that, what's the draw? You must think I'm nuts.
George: What? No no no. So you don't like kids, so what? I'm not looking for a mother for Doug. Why don't we just hold off on you meeting him?
Robin: Yeah, let's take things slow.
Future Ted VO: And, kids, that's exactly what she did.
INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM
(Robin lying on bed, George kneels by bed to kiss her)
Future Ted VO: Then on a totally different day that was definitely not the next morning, Aunt Robin had to face her worst fear.
INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT
(Robin sits at breakfast table alone reading the newspaper, Doug enter, Robin looks up at him and dials her phone)
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily in kitchen answers her cell phone)
Lily: Hey, what's up?
(Robin on phone)
Robin: It's here, Lily. It's looking at me. The kid, what do I do?
(Lily on phone)
Lily: Just talk to him. You can do this, Robin.
INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT
(Robin hangs up phone)
Doug: Who are you? Robin: I'm Robin.
Doug: That's a bird's name.
Robin: No it's not. It's actually a type of bird.
Doug: My friend, Patrick, has a parakeet named Robin, so there. You wanna talk in Morse code?
Robin: Dude, I'm just reading my paper.
Doug: Beep, beep beep beep, beep beep, beeeep. I'm starving. Can you make me cereal?
Robin: Sure.
(Robin pours cereal into bowl)
Doug: What are you doing? You're supposed to pour milk first? Robin: What? No, you pour the cereal first so you know how much milk you need.
Doug: It tastes better milk first.
Robin: It all tastes the same once it's in the bowl.
Doug: Why are you wearing my dad's pants?
Robin: Milk first it is.
(Robin dumps cereal into trash can)
(Doug eating cereal at table, Robin continues to read paper)
Doug: What are you reading? Robin: The business section. The Fed's gonna lower rates again to bail out these subprime lenders, bunch of idiots.
Doug: Miss Aldrin says it's not nice to call people names.
Robin: Well, maybe if they weren't such idiots, I wouldn't have to call them that.
Doug: That's what I said. You're pretty cool.
Robin: You too.
(scenes of Ted and Stacy's dates - Ted and Stacy sitting in living room watching TV - Ted and Stacy in kitchen cooking - Ted and Stacy on street, Ted giving her a flower)
Future Ted VO: Meanwhile, Stacy and I had started dating. Oh, Stacy was the girl from the bar. Anyway, I was close to winning the bet when something unexpected happened, I started to really like her.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Ted and Barney about to sit down at booth, Ted on cell phone)
Ted: Well, have fun in yoga.
(Ted puts phone down to say something to Barney)
Ted: She's strengthening her core. That's gonna be good.
(Ted gets back on phone)
Ted: Yeah, all right. After a while, crocodile.
(Ted hangs up phone)
Ted: You see this. Game face.
Barney: Whatever, Ted.
Ted: Oh, get this, she plays bass in a reggae band. They're having a show this Friday. How cool is that?
Barney: Oh, does she know that one song? Mm-hm chaka, mm-hm chaka. What's that song called? Oh, right, it's called every reggae song.
(Marshall walks over to Ted and Barney)
Marshall: I am not irrelevant. I ran the numbers. If Lily and I have sex twice a week, which, let's be honest, we all know is being conservative. And we've been together for ten years plus seventeen more times on the honeymoon. Minus the two week drought when I said the checker at the grocery store reminded me of a young Lily. Then we have had sex a total of...wait for it...
Barney: Nice.
Marshall: One thousand fifty-three and a half times...my mom called once. But that's more times than Barney has ever had sex and to your point, Ted, Lily is a quality girl. I win. Lawyered.
Barney: Doesn't count.
Marshall: Totally counts.
Ted: You're right, it counts. It counts as one. You've had sex once. How was it? Marshall: I still matter.
(Marshall walks away)
Barney: OK, Ted, go win the bet. You have my blessing. She's a wonderful girl. I should know.
Ted: Oh, OK, OK, I see what you're doing.
Barney: We've never shared a woman, have we, Ted? Isn't that funny? You're with her now, I was with her a year ago. You figure for her, that's like 200 showers ago. You gotta ask yourself, Ted, is 200 enough? Ted: You know what, I don't mind. Barney: No, of course you don't mind. Just like the second guy to climb Mt. Everest didn't mind getting all the way to the top only to find Sir Edmund Hilary's flagpole thrust into its supple peak.
(Ted has a disgusted look on his face)
Barney: No, I'm sure when you're with her I'll be the furthest thing from your mind. Kissing what I've already kissed. Nuzzling what I've already nuzzled. Going (lowers head slightly and shakes it vigorously) on what I've already gone (lowers head again slightly and shakes it vigorously) on.
Ted: Barney, I'm not afraid of catching your cooties, OK?
Barney: Really? Ted's not afraid of cooties. OK, well then I guess you'd have no problem having a sip of my gin and tonic.
(Barney holds out his drink to Ted)
Ted: Fine.
(Ted takes drink and brings it up to his mouth and puts it down on the table)
Barney: And I only stirred that with my pinky.
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily sitting at table grading papers, Robin enters front door)
Robin: Guess who loves Robin? Kids, kids love Robin. Doug thinks I'm pretty cool.
Lily: Really, that's great. You and George, all thanks to me.
Robin: Yeah, I'm gonna have to break up with him.
Lily: What?
Robin: Well, tt's just getting a little bit too serious with the kid. You know, it's just not what I'm looking for. So, better that I break it off now before he gets too attached.
(Lily gives Robin a look)
Robin: What?
Lily: I hate to tell you this but, too late.
(Lily shows Robin a picture Doug drew titled 'My New Mommy')
Lily: He drew it in class today.
Robin: Oh crap.
(back from commercial break)
Robin: There's no way that's a picture of me. That woman has on hoop earrings, I don't even own hoop earrings. I have one pair and they're gold. Those are Fruit Loops.
Lily: You are so in denial right now. And you're doing what you always do in relationships.
The second you get close to a guy, you wanna bail. OK, granted, he's six, but the point stands.
Robin: We'll ask the guys. They'll tell you that's not me
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Marshall, Lily, and Robin sit at booth, Marshall looking at picture)
Marshall: That's totally you.
Robin: You guys are totally crazy.
(Ted sits down and sees picture)
Ted: Hey, who drew the picture of Robin?
Robin: It's not me.
Marshall: You're joking, right?
Robin: It's not me.
Ted: "My new mommy." Kinda has a nice ring to it.
Marshall: Hey, now that you're a mom, are you gonna start wearing those totally awesome jeans that go right up to your boobs?
Robin: Do guys really think this is me?
Lily: Honey, it's you. And if you're gonna break up with George, you have to break up with his kid too.
Robin: Really?
Lily: Yeah, you can't just abandon him. You have to talk to him. Come on, Robin, you know it's the right thing to do.
Robin: Man. Doug was right, you are a pain in the ass.
INT. STACY'S APARTMENT
(Ted and Stacy sit on her couch)
Stacy: So, I, I had a really nice time tonight.
Ted: Me too.
Stacy: Yeah?
Ted: Mm-hm.
(Ted and Stacy close in to kiss, Ted backs up and imagines a little Barney in a safari outfit holding a flagpole sitting on Stacy's lip)
Little Barney: Hey, Ted, pucker up all you want but I was here first.
(Little Barney plants flagpole into Stacy's lip and laughs, Ted looks at Stacy's lip and then at Stacy and laughs and goes in to kiss her neck but stops because he imagines a Little Barney there)
Little Barney: From this spot, I also launched an expedition to those two large ridges down there.
(Little Barney pops up from Stacy's cleavage and laughs, Ted looks at Stacy with mouth agape, multiple Little Barney's all over Stacy)
Stacy: Uh, Ted, something wrong?
INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT
(Doug opens door for Robin)
Robin: Hey, Doug.
Doug: Are you here to see my dad? He's taking a shower.
Robin: Actually, I came to see you.
Doug: I wrote a poem, you wanna hear it.?
Robin: Sure, why not?
Doug: To my new mommy. You're pretty, you're nice, And you smell like daisies.
Robin: Oh, that is so sweet, Even though it doesn't rhyme.
(Robin sits down)
Robin: Look, uh, Doug. There's no good way to say this.
Future Ted VO: Aunt Robin didn't know what to say. This kid had never been dumped before.
But then she realized this kid had never been dumped before. She could use every cliché in the book.
Robin: We need to talk. I just think, um, we both could use some space right now. It's not you, it's me. I know this hurts but you deserve someone better. I'm just really trying to focus on my career right now, you know. I just hope we can still be friends.
(knock on door, Robin gets up to open door, Brooke stands at front door)
Brooke: Hi, I'm Brooke, I'm here for my date with George. You must be the babysitter.
(Robin has a flashback of the picture Doug drew and then notices Brooke's hoop earrings, has a flashback of the hoop earrings Doug drew)
Brooke: I had so much coffee earlier, I need to run to the loo. Hey Dougie.
(Brooke enters apartment and walks over to bathroom)
Robin: What the hell was that? Doug: That was my new mommy.
Robin: So, this picture is not of me?
Doug: Why would I draw a picture of you?
Robin: How many dates has she been on with your dad?
Doug: Two.
Robin: Well, I've been on like five and you like her better?
Doug: We just really connected.
Robin: And what about me? You think I go around pouring cereal for every boy in town.
Doug: Why are you getting so upset, Roberta?
Robin: Robin. My name is Robin. Like the bird, remember?
Doug: Whatever.
Robin: So, that's it, huh?
Doug: Look, you're great, but...
Robin: Yeah, there's always a 'but'.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Ted sits down at booth with Marshall and Barney)
Ted: Well, I couldn't do it. I broke up with her. Thanks a lot by the way. A beautiful, sexy girl and all I could think about was you being there first. You were stuck in my head like a Chumbawumba song.
Marshall: Which Chumbawumba song? Barney: Well, what an interesting turn of events. It looks like I'm going to win.
Ted: What do you mean, win? You couldn't even talk to her. You tried, you got slapped.
Barney: That's what you think happened.
(flashback to Barney walking away as Ted writes down rules of game)
Ted: OK, great, rule number one no eye patches or props of any...
(Barney talks to Stacy at bar)
Barney: Here's the deal. My friend just got dumped so he's a little shy but he'd love to buy you a drink and get to know you. The problem is he thinks a pretty girl like you won't go for a guy like him. So would you slap me across the face so he could see you're not into guys who feed you lines? What do you say? For my friend?
Stacy: You are so sweet.
(Stacy slaps Barney)
(back to present scene)
Barney: So now, whatever nice things Ted does for her, in her mind, I'm the guy who's even nicer than him.
Ted: So you never slept with her?
Barney: Not even at all.
Marshall: Wow, that's good.
Barney: It gets better. Remember Ted's phone conversation?
(flashback to Ted talking on cell phone with Stacy)
Ted: Well., have fun in yoga
(back to present scene)
Barney: Well?
(flashback to Stacy leaving yoga class, runs into Barney)
Barney: Oh.
Stacy: I'm sorry.
Barney: Stacy, right?
Stacy: Yeah. Oh, you're Ted's friend from the bar?
Barney: Yeah, wait, don't tell me you go to yoga here too?
Stacy: I do.
(flashback to Ted telling Barney about Stacy) Ted: She plays bass in a reggae band.
(back to flashback of Barney and Stacy running into each other outside of yoga studio)
Barney: I'm gonna head out to a reggae concert. I'm a huge fan of reggae.
Stacy: Oh my gosh, I play in a reggae band.
Barney: No way, I wonder why Ted didn't tell me about that. Like I said, I'm a huge reggae fan.
I should go inside.
(flashback of Ted on phone with Stacy)
Ted: After a while crocodile.
(back to flashback of Barney and Stacy outside yoga studio)
Stacy, Barney: See you later alligator.
Barney: We are two peas.
(Stacy laughs)
Barney: Wow, take care. Namaste.
(Stacy and Barney walk away in different directions, Barney tosses yoga mat into trash can)
(back to present scene)
Ted: You are a sociopath. That was my yoga mat.
Barney: So now with Ted out of the picture, I'm gonna swoop in and take the whole thing.
Why? Parce que je le jeu me chienne.
(Ted and Marshall look confused)
Barney: Translation: 'cause I got game, bitches.
Ted: No, no, this doesn't prove anything because...
(Barney's phone rings)
Barney: Hold one, hold on a second. Stacy.
(Barney answers phone)
Barney: Hey, stace. What happened? He did not. Stay there, I'll be right over.
(Barney gets up and leaves)
Ted: I should have just worn that stupid eye patch.
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily and Robin sit on couch, Robin is eating a pint of ice cream)
Lily: I can't believe you got dumped by a 6-year-old.
Robin: Whatever. He's a stupid head. I'm just, I'm done with kids.
Future Ted VO: Of course, Robin eventually made her peace with kids. And as you guys know she went on to appear in some very important works of arts. Yours.
(pictures kid drew of 'us and Aunt Robin' in front of house, at zoo, at beach)
INT. STACY'S APARTMENT
('one month later,' Stacy practices on her bass while Barney tries not to fall asleep)
Stacy: Hey.
(Barney wakes up and starts to clap)
Stacy: You know, I really appreciate how cool you've been about us taking things slow.
Since Ted, you know, I don't really wanna get too physical too fast.
Barney: That's what makes you so special, baby.
Stacy: Anyway, I am so psyched to be playing Sun Splash tomorrow. We go on sometime between 11 and 6 so you probably wanna get there before nine to be safe. Oh, and it's gonna be muddy.
(Stacy pinches Barney's cheek, Barney smiles at her, smile fades as he lies back on couch, Barney imagines Little Ted dancing on Stacy's shoulder and Barney shakes his head)
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x04 - Little Boys"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
INT. MACLAREN'S
(subtitled, 'the year 2007,' Robin, Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall sit at booth, Ted waves at girl entering bar who waves back and walks over to him)
Future Ted VO: Kids, back in the fall of 2007, I was dating this girl named...oh God, what was her name? It's been 23 years, I can't remember all this stuff. For the sake of the story, let's call her...
Ted: Everyone, this is Blah-blah.
Blah-blah: Please call me Blah.
Marshall: So, Blah, how did you two meet?
Blah-blah: Well, I was taking this cooking class, French fusion, and everyone already had a partner but then I looked up, and across a crowded room, I saw Ted. It was magical.
Ted: It was so magical.
(Ted and Blah-blah kiss)
Future Ted VO: Except it wasn't.
(flashback to 'one hour earlier,' Barney, Robin, Ted, Marshall and Lily enter MacLaren's)
Ted: She's gonna tell some bogus story about a cooking class because she's embarrassed we met online.
Marshall: Ay, Chihuahua.
(Everyone sits down at booth)
Ted: What? There's no stigma anymore.
Robin: Oh, there's a stigma. That's why people always say there's no stigma anymore.
Barney: So, she's hot.
Ted: Oh, she's gorgeous.
Barney: Then she's crazy.
Ted: No she's not.
Barney: Ted, the only hot girls that troll the Internet for dudes are crazy, hookers or dudes.
Ted: OK, she's not crazy, she's not a hooker, she's not a dude. Though there's this guy I pass on my work every day who's all three, scares the crap out of me.
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate.
(Barney draws with his finger in the air a 90 degree angle as a graph)
Barney: A girl is allowed to be crazy...
(Barney writes the word 'crazy' on the x-axis of graph)
Barney:... as long as she is equally hot.
(Barney writes the word 'hot' on the y-axis of graph)
Barney: Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot.
(Barney draws an 'x' on the graph)
Barney: If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot.
(Barney draws another 'x' up and to the right of the first 'x')
Barney: You want the girl to be above this line
(Barney draws a line at 45 degree angle)
Barney: Also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head...
(Barney draws circle in 'crazy' part of scale)
Barney:...then lose ten pounds.
(Barney moves his finger to the left into 'hot' part of scale and draws another circle)
Barney: She'd s*ab me with a fork...
(Barney moves his finger higher up on the 'crazy' side of the scale and draws another circle)
Barney:... then get a boob job.
(Barney moves his finger to the left into the 'hot' side of the scale and draws another circle)
Barney: I should give her a call.
(Barney reaches into his jacket inside pocket)
OPENING CREDITS
INT. MACLAREN'S
Ted: OK, so please, just play along with her fake story. We met in a cooking class.
Barney: I don't know, Ted, I don't know if I can just play along with your crazy girlfriend's fake story. Now, if you had said fake breasts...
Ted: She's not crazy.
Barney: OK, we'll see.
(back to present scene)
Blah-blah: Long story short, thank goodness I'm such a bad cook or I never would have met Ted.
Barney: It's crazy how cute that is. It's crazy.
Ted: You know who else has a really cute story of how they met? Marshall and Lily. You guys should tell that story right now.
Blah-blah: Yeah. Marshall: All right, but spoiler alert, it ends with everyone saying 'aw.'
Lily: Aw.
Marshall: Starts with it too.
Future Ted VO: When you've been a couple as long as Marshall and Lily, telling the how we met story becomes a choreographed dance.
Lily: It was late August 1996
Marshall: Lily and I were both freshmen moving into
Lily, Marshall: Hewitt Hall.
(flashback to 'the year 1996,; College Lily in her dorm room)
Marshall VO: And she needed some help setting up her stereo.
(College Lily walking down hallway to room 110)
Lily VO: For some unknown reason, I felt drawn to room 110.
Marshall VO: As if she knew that someone very special was behind that door.
Lily VO: And as fate would have it, that someone was Marshall.
Marshall, Lily VO: It was love at first sight.
College Marshall: Hi.
College Lily: Hi.
(back to present scene)
Blah-blah: Ohhh.
Marshall: I know, right?
Future Ted VO: Now, they perfected that story over hundreds of tellings. The first time Marshall told it to me, it was a little different.
(flashback to College Ted and College Marshall playing video games in their dorm room)
Marshall: Dude, this black-haired Goth chick stopped by today, (singing) wanna tap that.
(back to present scene)
Blah-blah: You guys are so lucky. You know, when Ted and I were cooking and our hands touched for the first time, I knew right then that after class he would take me up on the roof, kiss me and give me a rose, which he did.
(Everyone nods in silence)
Blah-blah: Saw 'aw.'
Everyone: Aw.
Blah-blah: I know, right? I'll get the next round, OK guys.
(Blah-blah gets up and walks over to bar, Barney looks at Ted)
Ted: Anybody'd be stressed out meeting new people. She's not crazy. Crazy generous maybe, buying us drinks.
(Barney is about to say something) Ted: Shut up.
(back from commercial break) Blah-blah: So, we know how Marshall and Lily met. Robin, how did you and Barney meet?
Robin: No, no no no no no no no no no no no no no. Barney and I are not together. No. No.
Barney: Really? Sixteen no's. Really?
Blah-blah: So, you're single.
Robin: Yeah.
Blah-blah: Hm. Oh, so, pretty and single and friends with Ted. Great.
Ted: You know who else is friends with Ted? Marshall. How did we meet? It's a good story, I'm gonna tell it right now. Uh, it was the first day of college.
(flashback to 'the year 1996,' College Marshall is sitting on bottom bunk in dorm room reading magazine)
Future Ted VO: Kids, to understand this story, you need to know that your Uncle Marshall was doing something that lots of college kids do. How do I say this? He was, uh, let's say eating a sandwich.
(College Marshall brings a sandwich up to his mouth, takes a bit and starts laughing, College Guy runs and pokes head through Marshall's door)
College Guy: Dude, I heard the dean is coming. Put out your sandwich.
(College Guy runs off, College Marshall gets up and puts his sandwich out in an ashtray, covers sandwich with his magazine, Marshall sprays air freshener in room, College Ted enters through door)
College Ted: Hey.
College Marshall: Good afternoon, sir. I'm Marshall Eriksen. College Ted: Sir? Please, just call me Ted.
(College Marshall and College Ted shake hands)
College Marshall: OK, Dean Ted.
College Ted: Whoa. Someone's been eating a sandwich.
College Marshall: What? No. Really? I don't know 'cause I don't even know what sandwiches smell like. My parents are gonna donate a lot of money to this school.
College Ted: So you're bottom bunk, that's cool. I wanted the top bunk anyway.
(College Ted puts his bags on the top bunk)
College Marshall: What do you mean?
College Ted: I'm your new roommate. College Marshall: This is so unfair.
(back to present scene)
Marshall: I didn't realize Ted wasn't the dean until later that night.
(flashback to College Ted eating sandwich in dorm room, Marshall walks in)
Marshall: You're not the dean.
(College Marshall and College Ted start laughing)
(back to present scene)
Robin: College, good times.
Blah-blah: Oh, I get it. Ted told you I didn't go to college so now you're giving me a cute little backhanded slap.
Barney: Oh, here we go.
(Barney claps lightly)
Blah-blah: Well, while you were busy majoring in being freaking beautiful, I was starting my own line of handbags.
Barney: Your own line of handbags? That's crazy.
Blah-blah: These have sold in Japan. Robin, have you ever sold anything in Japan?
Robin: Uh, no, but I would love to buy one of them if... Where can I get one?
Blah-blah: I don't have a distributor here yet, but thanks for rubbing that in. Why are you trying to undermine me in front of Ted?
Robin: Look, there's nothing going on between me and Ted.
Blah-blah: Wow, that just came out of nowhere.
Robin: No, I'm just saying you don't have anything to worry about.
Blah-blah: I wasn't worried. Are you saying I should be?
Robin: No, I'm saying that you shouldn't be.
Blah-blah: Oh good, 'cause I'm not. Now, Robin, could you just let it go? You're making all of us really uncomfortable.
Ted: You know what else is a good story, how Barney and I met. Barney, tell that story, right now. Please.
Barney: OK, Ted, this is a crazy story. You're gonna love it.
(flashback to 'the year 2001,' Barney and Ted are at the urinals standing next to each other)
Barney: Tonight's the first time I'm taking my deaf brother out since our mom died.
Ted: Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Barney: No, it's OK. I have to take care of him now. Of course, I have had to put my dreams on hold in order to do it, but I'm happy to. He's my brother and I love him. I'm sorry, it's all still so fresh.
Ted: Oh man, I'm really sorry.
(Ted flushes and walks toward sink)
Barney: Wow, you bought that?
(Barney flushes and walks toward sink)
Ted: What? Barney: I just made that up mid-pee. It worked on you, it's definitely gonna work on that blonde chick at the end of the bar. Unless you're a total idiot. What's your name?
Ted: Ted.
Barney: Are you a total idiot, Ted?
Ted: Well, I'm still having this conversation, so... Barney: (laughs) Well played.
(Barney walks toward door and opens it)
Barney: I like you Ted.
('fifteen minutes later,' Ted sitting at booth, Barney slides in next to him)
Barney: Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live.
(Ted looks at Barney confused)
Barney: Barney. We met at the urinal.
Ted: Oh right, hi.
Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't go with your suit.
Ted: I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Sutis are cool. Exhibit A.
(Barney points to himself)
Barney: Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till your thirty. And lesson four, be totally silent for the next five minutes.
(Audrey walks over to Barney and Ted's booth and sits down)
Barney: Hey, Audrey, this is my deaf brother, Edward.
Barney: (yelling at Ted) Edward, this is Audrey.
Audrey: You know, I actually know some sign language.
Audrey: (signing) Hi, my name is Audrey. Nice to meet you
Barney: He doesn't sign. He's embarrassed by his hands. They're tiny and lady-like.
Ted: (signing) I'm Edward. Nice to meet you too.
Barney: What? You are over your hand issues. It's about time.
Ted: (signing) My brother's a great guy. You should give him your phone number.
(Ted hands Audrey a pen, Audrey writes on a napkin and slides it over to Barney)
Audrey: Here. Call me.
(Audrey gets up and leaves, Barney looks at Ted and gives him a thumbs-up)
(back to present scene)
Barney: And even though that girl ended up giving me a fake number, I knew that Ted and I would be each other's wingmen forever.
Ted: Barney, it's time you knew, um, that story actually goes a little bit differently.
(flashback to Ted signing to Audrey)
Ted: (signing) He's lying to you. Just give him a fake number.
(Ted hands Audrey a pen)
(back to present scene)
Barney: Great, funny. God, with a wingman like Ted, I might need to resort to meeting someone in a super desperate and lame way, like online. Online. Online.
Blah-blah: Oh my God, you told them.
Ted: OK, yes, I told them, but it's not a big deal. Lots of people meet on the Internet. That whole seeing a stranger across a crowded room thing, that only happens in the movies.
Barney: Yeah, that never happens. Oh wait, except you and Robin. That's how you guys met, right?
(flashback to 'the year 2005,' Ted standing in bar with Barney behind him, Ted notices Robin, Robin sees Ted and smiles)
(back to present scene)
Blah-blah: Wait, you guys dated. For how long?
Robin: A year. But don't worry, the relationship wasn't that good. By the end, it was mostly about sex, which was not that good. But I was the problem. I'd just lie there. Ted is very good. I'm sure he will get you where you need to go. Can I buy your bags online?
Blah-blah: Oh, I see what's going on here, Ted, I'm just some random girl to make Robin jealous and after she takes you back, you probably won't even remember my name.
(Blah-blah gets up and leaves table and walks over to bar)
Ted: Come on, blah-blah, it's not like that.
(Ted gets up and follows Blah-blah)
Barney: Well, we're closing in on the half. Let's see how Blah-blah's doing on the crazy-hot scale.
(Barney visualizes scale with diagonal line)
Barney: She started the night here
(Barney draws circle on 'hot' side of scale)
Barney: But as the night's progressed, she's gotten crazier but no hotter which has caused her to drift across the Mendoza diagonal and dangerously close to the Shelley Gillespie zone.
(Barney makes straight line across diagonal which circle follows, red zone in very crazy territory appears)
Barney: Another girl I dated. She gained twenty pounds and tried to k*ll me with a brick.
(Ted and Blah-blah talk over by bar)
Ted: I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but seriously there's nothing going on with me and Robin.
Blah-blah: Then why has she been trying to undermine me all night? I mean, look at her. She's laughing at me right now.
(Ted and Blah-blah look over at Robin who's sitting at booth eating)
Blah-blah: I'm sorry, it's just Lily and Marshall's story is so romantic. I just wish we had something like that.
Ted: Their story is not as magical as it seems.
Blah-blah: What do you mean?
Ted: No, I can't, it's kind of a secret.
Blah-blah: Well, how about I tell you a little secret about what you might get to do later tonight.
(Blah-blah whispers in Ted's ear, hot-crazy scale appears with circle in 'crazy' area moving up into the 'hot' area)
Ted: The night before Lily met Marshall, there was this party.
(flashback to 'the year 1996,' college party, College Ted and College Lily look at each other from different parts of room, College Ted approaches College Lily)
College Ted: Hey, you a freshwoman? I never use the word freshman. Sexist.
College Lily: Yeah, I'm a first-year. I'm in Hewitt 220.
College Ted: No way, Hewitt 110. You should totally come by.
College Lily: Maybe I will, Hewitt 110.
College students: Chug chug chug chug
(College Marshall is being held upside-down over keg with beer being directly poured into his mouth through spigot)
College Ted: These drunk idiots. Hey, don't drink their two dollar beer. This is a pinot noir from Europe.
(College Ted takes College Lily's drink and hands her a glass of wine, College Lily takes a sip of the wine)
College Lily: Oh, it's fruity.
College Ted: Yeah, I cut it with some cranberry juice, it's pretty strong.
College Lily: So, uh, do you have a girlfriend?
College Ted: Yeah. Not sure about the whole long distance thing though. It's like Descartes says, "In order to determine whether we can know anything with certainty, we first have to doubt everything we know." You know?
College Lily: Wow.
(College Ted and College Lily start kissing)
(back to present scene)
Ted: As drunk as she was, when she woke up the next morning, she still remembered room 110. That's why she knocked on the door. She was looking for me.
Blah-blah: Oh my God.
Ted: Yeah, and in all these years Lily and I have never spoken about it, so again, mum's the word, OK?
Blah-blah: You have to tell Marshall.
Ted: If he heard that, it would destroy him.
Blah-blah: If you don't tell him, I will.
Ted: Oh, come on, you wouldn't.
(Blah-blah gives Ted a scary look)
Ted: Oh no.
(Blah-blah and Ted walk back over to booth and sit down)
Blah-blah: So, Lily, how did you and Ted meet? Come on, Lily, the real story.
Ted: I don't think anyone wants to hear that story.
Lily: Don't be embarrassed, Ted, it was a long time ago.
(flashback to College Ted crying while talking on phone)
College Ted: I made a huge mistake last night, but it's like Descartes says.
(College Marshall and College Lily enter room)
College Ted: In order to determine whether there's anything we can know with certain, we first have to doubt everything we know. And I now know for certain that I love you, Karen. Anyway, call me back when you get this. I'm also going down to the computer center to send you an electronic mail.
(College Ted hangs up phone)
College Marshall: Ted, this is Lily.
College Ted: No, no, I'm sorry but I love Karen.
(College Ted leaves room in a hurry)
(back top present scene)
Ted: Yes, that is the unabridged story of how Lily and I met. How embarrassing. Who wants another round?
Blah-blah: That's not the story, Ted, tell 'em.
Marshall: Tell us what?
Ted: Lily, will you help us get the next round?
(Ted, Blah-blah and Lily walk over to bar)
Lily: Ted, what's going on?
Ted: She knows about us, about how we really met.
Lily: Yeah, I know, I just told her.
Ted: No, the real story.
Lily: Ted, what are you talking about?
Ted: Lily, come on.
Lily: Come on what?
Ted: Lily, come on.
Lily: Ted, I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
Ted: Lily, come on.
Blah-blah: I know that you and Ted made out the night before you met Marshall.
Lily: What? Ted and I never made out.
Ted: Yeah, we did.
Lily: I only made out with one other guy in college before I met Marshall, and it was just some random dude. I don't even remember his name. I just call him too-much-tongue guy.
Ted: What? Too-much-tongue guy? I'm not surprised to hear that coming from unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl.
Lily: That wasn't me.
Ted: Yes it was, at the freshman orientation party.
Lily: No, no no no no no no no no no no no.
(Barney, Robin and Marshall sitting at booth)
Barney: How much fun is this? All of us reminiscing about how we met me? Robin, have I told you how I met Marshall? Robin: Yeah, like five or six times.
Barney: It was right over there.
(Barney points to booth behind them) (flashback to 'the year 2001,' Barney, Ted and Marshall sit at booth)
Barney: Here's your problem, you've only slept with one woman. Those kind of stats are only okay if you're eleven. But tonight, we're getting you a new girl because Marshall Eriksen, from this moment on, I make all your decisions for you.
Marshall: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Ted: This is Barney, I met him the other day. He's kind of a jackass.
Barney: I'm teaching Ted how to live, and lucky you, I have room for one more student. Think of me as Yoda, only instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro. I'm bro-da. And tonight you are gonna use The Force to get the hottest chick in this bar into bed.
Ted: You're gonna use force? 'Cause that sounds wrong, bro-da.
Barney: No, The Force. It's a Star Wars reference.
Ted: So we should make lots of Star Wars references around girls, that's what you're saying?
Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.
Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her.
(Ted and Marshall turn to look at girl Barney's talking about and notices that it's Lily)
Barney: How much hotter is she than your girlfriend? Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted? Go for it? Ted: Oh, don't do it, man. Think about Lily.
Marshall: You know what, I don't care. I've been with one woman for too long. I need me some strange.
Barney: Yes, yes, pep talk. You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she is way too hot for you. So, remember, tonight isn't about scoring, it's about believing that you can do it even though you probably can't. Go get him, tiger.
(Marshall gets up and walks over to bar, Ted moves to other side of booth and sits next to Barney)
Barney: Poor guy's gonna crash and burn.
(Marshall walks over and kisses Lily)
Barney: That man is a god.
(back to present scene)
Marshall: For like a week after, Barney followed me around, asking me to teach him how to live. I even got him to do my laundry once.
Barney: I thought it was a Mr. Miyagi kind of thing.
(Lily, Ted and Blah-blah walk back over to booth)
Lily: Marshall, I need to talk to you. Can we go somewhere in private?
Marshall: Yeah, of course, what's wrong?
Blah-blah: Lily and Ted made out. What do you think of that, Robin? Marshall: What are you talking about? Lily: You know that guy I made out with at the freshman orientation party?
Marshall: Too-much-tongue guy? Yeah.
Ted: And you know that girl I made out with at the freshman orientation party?
Marshall: Unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl? Yeah.
Ted: I'm too-much-tongue guy.
Lily: And I'm unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl.
Barney: Worst superheroes ever.
Lily: Baby, I am so sorry.
Marshall: I don't think you need to be. I was at that party. It was dark, and granted, I had eaten quite a few sandwiches but I'm a hundred percent sure that unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl was Alexa Leskies, it's not Lily.
Ted: Really? Marshall: Yeah, I'm positive. And too-much-tongue guy was Colin O'Riley.
Lily: Are you sure? Marshall: If it wasn't, I peed in the wrong guy's shampoo, man.
(Marshall and Lily kiss)
Blah-blah: (to Ted) You don't really believe that, do you? You swore it was Lily.
Ted: I guess I made a mistake. Must have been Alexa.
Blah-blah: Another girl, Ted? Who haven't you made out with? You know what, I don't need this. I design handbags. I'm writing a memoir. I'm a superstar. This is totally my year. Someday the name Blah-blah will be up in lights. Ted, next time you're online playing World of Warcraft, don't even think about chatting with me.
(Blah-blah gets up and leaves)
Barney: World of Warcraft? The online role playing game? That's how you two met online?
(flashback, computer screen with armor-suited warrior-type avatar and female avatar conversing)
Warrior Avatar: We should grab some coffee sometime...
Female Avatar: Yes, we should.
Warrior Avatar: What's your name?
Female Avatar: Ted. What's yours?
(back to present scene)
Ted: Yeah, it's really, it's a cool game.
Future Ted VO: So, suffice it to say, Blah-blah did not turn out to be your mother. As for the girl I made out with at the party...
(flashback scene of College Ted and College Lily kissing)
Future Ted VO:...there wasn't a doubt in my mind, that was your Aunt Lily.
(flashback scenes from Lily and Marshall's telling of the story of how they met - College Lily setting up her stereo, College Lily walking down hallway to room 110, College Marshall opens door)
Future Ted VO: But you know that magical story of how she and Uncle Marshall met, it was worth preserving, so I kept my mouth shut.
(flashback of Blah-blah and Ted talking)
Ted: I guess I made a mistake. Must have been Alexa.
EXT. BUILDING
(subtitled, 'the year 2020)
INT. COLLEGE REUNION
Future Ted VO: Until our 20th college reunion when I ran into Alexa Leskies.
(Ted and Alexa sitting down, Ted showing her pictures)
Alexa: So, Ted, remember the last time we were here?
Ted: You and me? No idea.
Alexa: Ted, come on. Freshman year, we were both pretty drunk?
(flashback to College Ted making out with College Alexa, camera pans to show College Lily kissing another guy)
Ted: That was you?
(Ted rushes up from table) Ted: Lily, we never made out.
Lily: I know.
Ted: So I am not too-much-tongue guy.
Alexa: Actually.
Ted: No.
(back from commercial break) (subtitled, 'the year 2020', Ted and Lily sit at table, Marshall joins them)
Marshall: Look what I've confiscated from some kids.
(Marshall pulls a sandwich in a plastic bag out from inside his jacket)
Ted: That is a fat sandwich.
Marshall: I know, right?
(Marshall raises his eyebrow, cut to Marshall, Lily and Ted sitting on floor in front of vending machine, Marshall passes sandwich to Lily, Lily takes a bit of sandwich)
Marshall: Chew chew chew chew, swallow.
(Lily coughs a little, Marshall, Lily and Ted laugh)
Marshall: It's all right, honey.
Lily: Sandwiches are strong these days.
(Ted takes sandwich from Lily)
Ted: I can't believe I used to be able to eat a whole sandwich by myself. Now it's like two bites and I am done.
(Ted takes a bit out of the sandwich)
Marshall: Baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?
Lily: Dude, we're 42.
(Marshall, Lily and Ted giggle)
Ted: Where's my wife?
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x05 - How I Met Everyone Else"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
[Title: The Year 2007]
Narrator: It was a quiet november afternoon in 2007.
[The Apartment - Ted]
Narrator: I was working from home, because, you know, no distractions.
(Baney get into the apartment, and Marshall get out of his bedroom, at the same time)
Barney: This is incredible!
Marshall: (At the same time) Oh my God! I can't believe it!
Barney: I have big news!
Marshall: (At the same time) Oh my God!
Barney: Okay. My thing's pretty huge. But fine, you can go first.
Marshall: Okay, I just found out...
Barney: I just find a p*rn starring Ted Mosby!
Ted: What are you... What you're talking about?
Barney: I'm talking about welcome to the sex plane, and look who plays the navigator, Ted Mosby (He shows a p*rn dvd)
Ted: Oh, it's the same exact spelling as my name.
Marshall: Okay, you know, cute coincidence, Barney. Whatever. I just got on the phone with the NR...
Ted: Oh my God. This totally explains the thing at my doctor's the other day.
[Flashback - At the doctor's - Ted/Ted doctor's]The doctor: Open wide. I guess you're more used to saying that hearing it, huh, Ted Mosby?
[End Flashback]Ted: Who is this guy? And why my doctor watching p*rn?
Barney: All right. Let's meet your new doppelganger. Or should I say doppel banger.
Marshall: Guys, guys, guys! Can I tell my news? It's pretty...
Ted: This is really bizarre. The only other famous Mosby I know was a confederate general during the civil w*r.
Barney: Probably not the same guy.
Marshall (yelling): I got the job at the NRDC.
Ted: You got the job! Oh, yeah!
[Pictures and vid of the Environment]
Narrator: The NRDC, or natural ressources defense council, fought for preserve american clean water, fresh air and to preserve's america's wilderness. It was Marshall's dream job.
[The Apartment - Ted/Marshall/Barney - He watchs "Welcome to the sex place" a p*rn]
Ted: Congrats, buddy.
Marshall: Thanks. It's kind of weird hugging with p*rn on.
Ted: Yeah, it really is.
Barney: Oh, hey, hey-o. New guy entering the cockpit. Could it be the navigator, Ted Mosby.
Ted: Uh, no. No, navigators have three stripes on their hats. Captains have four. That guy's a captain.
Barney: Yeah, and I'm sure complete accuracy in all those details was very important to the directors... "Dirt and skank, the raunch brothers".
(Lily and Robin come in)
Marshall: Baby, I have some exciting news.
Lily: I hope it's not that you just won some sort of race here.
Marshall: I got the job at the NRDC.
Lily: Wow.
Barney: And I found a p*rn starring Ted Mosby.
Lily (to Marshall): Oh my God, that's amazing!
Barney: I know, right?
Robin: Oh, congratulations, Marshall!
Barney: Congratulation for us all.
Lily: Oh, let's go celebrate.
Barney: The fact that I found a p*rn starring a guy named Ted Mosby... Let's do it!
Robin: Oh, is that him? Cause that Ted Mosby really knows what he's doing.
Ted: No, that's not him. What do you mean, "that" Ted Mosby really knows what he's doing?
Robin: Oh, no! No, I meant, that Ted Mosby, he really knows what he's doing. Like all Ted Mosbys. (to Marshall) Wow, NRDC! Way to go, Marshall.
Lily: But you're still gonna go to your job interview today, right, baby?
Narrator: Marshall had an interview (Picture of a building) at a firm called Nicholson, Hewitt and West. (Video of a factory unit) They represented, well, pretty much everybody Marshall was going to sue (Video of a tree in the process of uproot) once he started at the NRDC.
(The Apartment)
Marshall: I'm not doing that interview. Those people are evil.
Lily: Marshall, your dad went through a lot of trouble to set this up. You can't just pull out at the last second.
Robin: Apparently you can.
Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted, guy in the hat! Three stripes, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ted Mosby, p*rn star.
Robin: I know what kind of plane this is. It's a "boing".
Barney: See, this is way better than Marshall's intership.
Marshall: It's a real job.
Ted: Who is this guy? Are we related? Do, do I look like him?
Marshall: Hmm. It's hard to tell. Go, go like this.
All: Oh yeah. A little bit. Yeah.
Barney: More around the eyes.
Robin: Oh, I do see that.
["How I Met Your Mother", credits]
[The Bar - Lily/Barney/Robin/Ted]
Wendy: And here's you water, in case you're dehydrated, Ted Mosby.
Ted: Ah, ah, very funny, Wendy. Now we know you watch p*rn. (She leaves) This Ted Mosby must be getting kind of famous.
Barney: Hmm. You're not wrong. (He looks on his phone) According to the web site, of the far superior Ted Mosby... he's been in the business three months, and he's made 125 movies.
Robin: Wow. That's 42 movies a month. Who is he, Jude Law? Right? He makes a lot of movies. I mean, not so much lately, but maybe, like, two years ago, you couldn't go to a movie without...
Ted: Shh.
Barney Oh, hey, look, check it out. Ted Mosby did an interview in Adult Video Weekly.
Ted: Adult Video Weekly? Oh, no...
[Flashback - The Apartment - Ted/Lily/Marshall]
(The phone ring. Ted pick up the phone)
Ted: Hello?
Leonard: Hi, I'm looking for Ted Mosby. It's Leonard Ross from AVW.
Ted: Oh my God! (To Marshall and Lily) AVW? It's architecture vision weekly.
(To Leonard) Wow. I've been reading your magazine since I was a little kid.
Leonard: Well, that's a bummer. Anyway, I'm calling to interview you about your latest project.
Ted: Well, I don't want to say it's my project. I mean, I'll be working with at least three partners.
Leonard: Oh! Group scene. Always fun.
Ted: Yeah. Yeah. I'm really looking forward to it. I mean, I know they're gonna ride me pretty hard but they're great guys.
Leonard: Guys? Oh, wouah, there's a scoop.
[End Flashback]
Ted: That interview went on for 20 more minutes.
Lily: "This project was so demanding, I can't tell you how many nights I spent bent over a table."
(Marshall comes in)
Lily: Oh, hey, baby, how'd the interview go?
Marshall: Um, interesting. There I am in the office of Jefferson Coatsworth and I figure I'm not gonna take this job anyway, I might as well give this old bastard a piece of mind. Jefferson Coastworth wasn't what I expected.
[Flashback - Jefferson Coastworth's office - Marshall/Jefferson]
Jefferson: Marshall, Jefferson Coastworth.
Marshall: Hello.
Jefferson: Dude, I am so, so psyched that you're here. Can I beer ya?
Narrator: Marshall was thrown. This guy seemed nice. Of course, he wasn't.
[Title: Three Years Later]
(Jefferson go out of a tribunal. A lot of media and photographer are here)
Jefferson: Go to hell! I'd do it again! (To the media) I'm innocent. I'm innoncent.
[Jefferson Coastworth's office - Marshall/Jefferson]
Jefferson: Marshall, why don't you want to work at Nicholson, Hewitt and West?
Marshall: Right, um, okay, Jeff, I've actually given this a lot of thought...
Jeff: I'm sorry. Stop. I can't do this with a straight face. You don't want to work here. You're only here 'cause your dad went to high school with Joe Hewitt. Fact is, you just got a sweet job at the NRDC. And it's awesome. Man, I could have gone the non-profit route. I didn't. And it eats me up inside every day. I hate myself. I hate myself.
[End Flashback]
[The Bar - All]
Barney: Oh, he is good. Classic seduction technique.
Marshall: What do you mean?
Barney: Oh, I use it all the time. First I buy her... and by her I mean you... a drink. Now, I'm the guy who gets her what she wants. Then I pretend to care about whatever idiotic thing she cares about. For you, that would be the enviroment. Now, I'm the great guy who shares her interests. And before you know it, you're naked in my apartment, shouting "oh-oh Bar-r-r-ne-e-y"! And by you, I mean her.
Marshall: He is not trying to seduce me. He didn't even offer me the job.
Barney: That comes later. At dinner. He did invite you to dinner, didn't he?
[Flashback - Jefferson Coastworth's office - Marshall/Jeff]
Jeff: Let me buy you a dinner. Tomorrow night. As a thank you, okay? You'll tell me all about the NRDC, and we'll charge it all to one of my evil clients.
Marshall: I, you know, I don't know if...
Jeff: Marshall, you know what kobe beef is?
Marshall: The most expensive beef in the world.
Jeff: The place I'm taking you has kobe lobster. That is lobster fed with kobe beef.
[End flashback]
[The Bar - All]
Marshall: Oh my God. He's trying to seduce me.
Robin: So are you gonna go to dinner with him?
Marshall: No. No way. I promise myself to the NRDC. I'm not that kind of lawyer.
Lily: Oh, you should go. I mean, you're not gonna take the job, but you might as well get a great meal out of the deal.
Barney: Don't wait up.
Robin: Guys, guys, guys, check this out. Ted Mosby p*rn star's bio says his hometown is your hometown. Shaker Heights, Ohio.
Ted: What? Okay, this is getting creepy. Who, who is this guy? I gotta find him.
Robin: Well, it's your lucky day. He's gonna be signing autographs tomorrow night in Manhattan at something called the Adult Video Expo.
Lily: Hmm. Wait, are you telling me that they actually have conventions for p*rn?
Barney: Affirmative. Or to put in another way... God bless America.
[At the Restaurant - Marshall/Jeff]
Marshall: You can really taste the beef in that lobster.
Jeff: Right, listen, I know we're only here to screw over my client, who quite frankly deserves it... hum, but I gotta be able to tell the guys upstairs I gave you the spiel, okay? So, first up, starting salary. (He gives him a paper).
Marshall: Okay. Here we go. This is the big number that's supposed to impress me and... (He looks at the paper) whoa, that's a BIG number.
Jeff:There's also a signing bonus, uh, use of a company car, expense account, blah, blah, blah. Hey, by the way, turn around and wave to Patrick Swayze.
Marshall: Hey, I'm going to, uh, try to remain cool. But you know Patrick Swayze?!
Jeff: He's a client. Who do you think bought us this wine? (To Patrick) Crazy, Swayze. Cheers, buddy.
Marshall: Okay, no. Jeff, this is all very impressive, but I just don't think that...
Jeff: Listen, I know, I know. You are not gonna be tempted by big numbers and fancy perks. You're gonna do the noble thing, take the low-paying job at the NRDC, live off you family money.
Marshall: Family money?
Jeff: You do have family money, don't you?
Marshall: No, hum, not that I know of. I do have an uncle who owns a, a pretty successful bait shop.
Jeff: NRDC. No family money. Hum. So you don't plane on having kids?
Marshall: Actually, I want to have four kids.
Jeff: Well. New York public school make a lot of parents nervous, but the kids who walk out, walk out proud.
Narrator: He was surely doing a tough decision. Now, kids, when I'm faced with a tough decision, I like to make a list of pros and cons. Marshall knew all cons. (We see the list. Pros: Money, Security, Swayze. Cons: Evil.) But there is one thing he didn't know, a big guy live in a pros con.
[The Apartment - Robin/Lily]
Robin: Lily, you're a kindergarten teacher?
Lily: Yeah.
Narrator: Cause Robin was about to ask Lily the one question...
Robin: And you make a kindergarten teacher's salary, right?
Lily: Yeah.
Narrator: That Lily had been dreading for years.
Robin: Well, how do you afford all of these expensive clothes?
Lily: I shop the sales. There were in the closet when we moved in. I steal. I'm a criminal. I once sh*t a man just to watch him die.
Robin: Lily?
Lily: Oh, okay.
Narrator: That's when Lily showed Robin her box of shame.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x06 - I'm Not That Guy"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
[the year 2030]
Narrator: everybody make mistakes. Take this girl Meg for instance
[the year 2007 - the bar - Barney/Meg]
Narrator: She made a mistake, a mistake named Barney.
Meg: Yeah i thought i was gonna get married to my last boyfriend but, boy, did that guy have commitment issues! That whole relationships, that 3 weeks of my life i'll never get back.
Barney: Well, I love commitment. I wish i could marry commitment.
[The appartement - Ted/Barney]
Barney: I met a girl last night.
Ted: Really?
Barney: So perky and full of life and not at all fake.
Ted: You're talking about her boobs, right?
Barney: C! And that wasn't spanish, that was cup size! What up!
Ted: So these boobs...
Barney: Mmmm...
Ted: Paint me a word picture.
Barney: All right, Ted. Imagine the heads of two Irish babies. Let's call them...(bbllluuuuu) and (bllluuu)
Lily: Please stop!
Lily and Marshall eat near the sofa.
Narrator: When you get married you start out growing certain parts of your life; and for Lily and Marshall, those certain parts were, for the most part, me.
(Lily walks toward the bathroom, open the door and yells, Ted gets out the bathroom, only dressed by a bath towel, an electric razor in a hand)
Ted: Why could you come in? you hear me shaving!
Lily: I thought you were shaving your face!
Ted: Well, clearly i wasn't!
[The apartment -Barney/robin- They smoke a cigar and watch a catch game on tv]Together: Oh! No no!
Barney (to Robin): Pay up! p*ssy!
(Marshall gets out of his bedroom)
Marshall: Guys, it's 3:00 in the morning and it reeks in here.
Robin: Ted said it was okay.
Ted (gets out of the kitchen): Ah, hey, Marshall. You're still up? Aren't you taking the bar tomorrow?
Narrator: Discontent was bubbling under this surface, until one day...
[The apartment -Marshall comes toward Ted, furious]
Marshall: Ted! How many times have i asked you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar? (Ted wants to speak but Marshall goes on) It's this sort of incoiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like i'm living in the Realworld house, and not the early years when they all had jobs and social consciences. I'm talking about Hawaii and after! I can't take this anymore!
Ted, Lily and i are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!
Lily (on the sofa): Actually, I left the lid open. Sorry baby.
Narrator: But still, it was time to move forward. So they set out to find a new apartment to rent.
[The bar- Marshall/lily- they're on the web]
Marshall: Hey, here's one. Private building, recently renovated, hardwood floors, tons of light, two bedroom, 2 bath.
Lily: Oh yeah, but that one's not for rent. It's for sale!
Marshall: Oh right!
Narrator: Kids, uncle Marshall always like to say that he made 3 big mistakes in his life. This was the first (Marshall, when he was kid, on his roof with cardboard wings is going to jump). This was the second (Marshall shaves his head just before his weeding with lily). And this was the third and biggest.
Marshall: You should buy a place!
Lily: what?
Marshall: Baby, real estate is always a good investment!
Narrator: It's not!
Marshall: And the market is really hot right now.
NArrator: It wasn't.
Marshall: And because of my new job, we are in such a strong place financially.
Narrator: They weren't. 'Cause Lily had a secret.
[Flashback: Shopaholic reunion - Lily/Robin]
Lily: Hy! My name is Lily and I'm a shopaholic.
Robin (alone): Hi, Lily. O, you guys don't do that here? sorry. (to lily) Proceed.
Lily: I buy designer clothes and accessories that i can't afford. I have 15 creditcards and they're all maxed out. And no one outside of this room, not even my husband, knows. And i feel terrible because all i want to do right now is ask you (to a girl of the meeting) where you got those shoes? They're adorable.
[End flashback]
Lily: we can't buy, we have debt.
Marshall: Yeah, i know, my sudent loans are pretty big.
Lily: I forgive you.
Marshall: What?
Lily: Well... I'm just saying as your wife, you know i'm cool that you spent tens of thousands of dollars on a brand name law school because i know it make you feel good and pretty.
Marshall: Let's just go take a look at this place.
Lily: Where is it?
Marshall: Uh, it's in a neighborhood called... Dowisetrepla?
Lily: Dowisetrepla?
[A building in Dowisetrepla- An appartment -Marshall/Lily/An estate agent]The estate agent: Dowisetrepla. Oh, i see, you're not New Yorkers.
Marshall: O, Actually we live on the Upper West side, so...
The estate agent: No need to be embarassed, listen, here in New York we just shorten the names of all the neighborhood: soho, trybeka, nolita,...
Lily: O right Dowisetrepla! No, i'm from New york. I know this neighborhood. I'm down in the D-town.
The estate agent: Oh, well, nobody calls it D-town. Dowistrepla the up-and-coming neighborhood. And i have to tell you, for these prices you're not going to be able to find an other...
Marshall: I'm, I'm gonna stop you right there. Dont bother with the hard sell. This place is, is way out of our price range, and besides, we've only just started to looking.
Narrator: Is what Marshall should have said.
[Rewind] Marshall: I'm gonna stop you right there. I LOVE IT. LET'S GET IT!
["How I Met Your Mother", credits]
[The dowisetrepla apartment - All]
Marshall: Thank you guys for coming down here so quickly.
Ted: I've never been to this neighborhood. Kind of thought this part of town was water
Marshall: No, Dude. This is dowisetrepla.
Ted: Dowisetrepla?
Marshall: yeah!
Ted: Is that an abbreviation for something?
Marshall: pffff (to the estate agent) he's from Ohio. (to Ted) Dowisetrepla is the up-and-coming neighborhood.
Ted: oh!
Marshall: I think this right the place where lily and i start a family, I can see it now.
[Marshall's thought] He plays drumps with his 3 boys in a band "
Marshall: All right, bring it home, boys!
Lily comes with a child and a cake in her hands
Lily: Sounds great boys! Who wants chocolate pancakes?
Boys:Tthanks mommy!
[End]
Marshall: Man, life is gonna be sweet!
Robin: Oh my god lily, have you seen this kitchen?
Lily: I know. It's... Isn't it amazing?
Robin: What the hell are you doing? You can't buy this place; lily you have a debt of the size of Mount Waddington!
Lily: Waddington?
Robin: It's the tallest mountain in Canada. It's like 4000 meters high.
Lily: meters?
Robin: Ro, don't let Marshall fall in love with this apartment.
Lily: I know, i know, i know, i know! But what do i tell him?
Robin: I-I don't know, tell him, tell him you saw a ghost. Tell him it's haunted.
Lily: You really don't know Marshall at all.
[The living room- Barney makes a sign to the estate agent]Barney: So, uh, the owners, where are they?
The estate agent: Oh, they're on vacation in France for 2 weeks.
Barney: I see. Between you and me, i'm also interested in this apartment. So is there any way i could come back later and check it out while you'rte showing them other places?
The estate agent: The lockbox combination is 1421, and here's my card.
(Ted comes to Barney)
Ted: Are you serious? You're trying to sneak this apartment away from Marshall and Lily?
Barney: Ted, do you think i have no morals whatsoever? I simply want to fool a girl into thinking this is my apartment so i can nail her once and never have to see her again. I'm not a monster!
(Lily&Marshall talk to the estate agent)
The estate agent: Now, listen, i don't want to put a lot of pressure on you, but there is one other couple that expressed very serious interest
Marshall: I see what you're doing here. "another couple", please, that crap is page one out of the Realtor's playbook. And we're not buying it.
Narrator: Is what Marshall should have said.
Marshall: Another couple? No! We want it. Sell it to us. We'll give you so much more money.
Lily: Oh Marshall, can i talk to you? Marshall, i just... I don't know if now is the right time to buy."
Marshall: But we're not doing this for now, we're doing this for our future. Can't you imagine starting a family here?
[Lily's thought] She paints a picture then talks to her 2 girls
Lily: oh persephone! oh daphne! these'll be perfect additions to our upcoming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met.
(Marshall comes with a cat and a cake in his hands)
Marshall: Looks great girls. Who wants crapes of
Girls: Merci papa (en francais)
[End flashback]
The estate agent: So... What do you guys think?
Lily: I love it, but Marshall, i should have told you this long time ago. We can't afford to buy an apartment because i have too much credit card debt. I am so sorry.
Narrator: Is what she should have said.
Lily (to marshall): I love it. Let's get it. (to the agent) Can we charge it?
[The bar ]Ted: To Lily and Marshall and their momentous step forward into adulthood.
All: Cheers! Chug! chug! chug! chug! drink it! yes! Well done. Nice! yeah!
The waitress: Anything else?
Marshall: Yes! I've been staring at that thing for years. Wendy, bring me the comically large bottle of champagne.
Wendy: Really? Are you sure? It's never been refrigerated. And i think at some point there was a fish in it.
Marshall: Honey, once you've made the sale, stop selling.
Wendy: All right, but you guys have to help me carry it.
Marshall, Ted, Barney: All right, let's do it. Let's do it.
Lily (to Robin): I know what you're thinking. I should tell Marshall the truth. I've got the whole thing figure out. We'll apply for the loan under Marshall's name, and he'll never need to know. And then in the meantime, i'll slowly work down my debt, right after i furnish the apartment. I saw this amazing leather sofa today.
Robin: you should be a reality show.
(The guys carry the bottle of champagne on the table): nice! nice!
Marshall (to Ted): Wait! That cork is the size of a softball and you're pointing it directly at Wendy the waitress's face.
Narrator: Is what he should have said.
[black background]
[The building in Dowisetrepla]Narrator: Now if you are thinking about buying an apartment, it's always good to check the place out at night.
(Barney comes into the apartment with a girl)
Barney: Welcome to my humble abode.
The girl: This place is so nice.
Barney: Ah, make yourself at home. Please get comfortable. If you see something you like, just take it.
The girl (taking picture on the table): Who are these people?
Barney: Uh... That's my parents.
The girl: They're Asian.
Barney: Yeah! They're a chinese couple that wanted a white baby, it works both ways. Cookie?
The girl: Wow! Did you make those?
Barney: You got me. My sisters taught me how to bake and how to listen.
The girl: Wow, i feel so at home here.
Barney: I'm glad. Sometimes, i don't. A place like this really needs a lady of the house. I know it's early to be thinking of you as... Oh, God, i'm freaking you out, aren't I? It's just you make me feel so safe. I didn't..."
(The girl starts kissing Barney)
[A bank's office - Lily/Marshall/a bank employee]Narrator: The next day, Lily and Marshall went to the mortgage broker to get a loan.
Marshall: Hey, uh, can we get this in singles? Before we get the apartment i want to put in a kiddie pool and swim around in it naked. (laugh)
Bank employee: Great, that is great
Marshall: Thank you.
Bank employee: okay! All right, back to business. All right, MRS Aldrin, i'm going to need your social as well.
Lily: What? Why? I mean, you already have Marshall's.
Bank employee: Yes, but since you're a married couple, you'll be applying for a joint loan, so.
Lily: Well, can we just go ahead and do it in my husband's name? He's the head of the household. He earns the big bucks. I mean, can women even own property?
Marshall: Go ahead, just give him your social.
Lily: Okay my... my social is, uh... 1glmmdhgj2.
Bank employee: Got it! Let's see what kind of rate i can get you 2.
Marshall: Under six percent, under six percent, please
Bank employee: There we go, Congratulation you've been approved for a loan at 18%.
Marshall: No way. That-that can't be right.
Bank employee: you're lucky to be getting mortgage.
Lily: Let's get out of here, Marshall.
Marshall: Hold it, I- i don't understand. Did we do something wrong or...?
Bank employee: You have quite a bit of debt.
Marshall: My student loans. Great. I thought we were friends. you know what, it's fine to penalize me for trying to get an education and bud a career, but i will not let you deprive my beautiful wife of her dream home just because i...
Bank employee: Okay, actually, it's because of your wife's credit card debt.
(The bank employee shows on his computer the Lily's debt to Marshall. He seems astonished)
Lilly: Marshall, there's something i have to tell you, and i want you to hear it from me first.
[The appartment - Ted/Barney/Robin - they come in]
Robin: Okay, let me get this straight. You just snuck this girl into some stranger's apartment?
Barney: Yeah, we spent the night.
[Flashback: The morning, Barney and the girl are in the dowisetrepla apartment]
Barney: Hey, look at you.
Girl: I'm wearing your bathrobe. I hope you don't mind.
Barney: The only thing missing from that bathrobe are your initials.
(laugh)
Girl: My mom's gonna be in town next week. It's okay if she stays with us?
Barney: Only if she sleeps in the bed and i sleep on the couch.
Girl: You're so sweet.
Barney: I love you. There, i said it and i'm not taking it back.
Girl: Oh my god! I love you too. I'm finally not the first one to say it!
Barney: How about you get in the shower, and i will make us some waffles.
(They kiss, she goes to the bathroom, he left)
[End flashback]
Barney: Works at every time.
Robin: Wait. That time that you offered to walk my dogs when i went to visit my dad in Vancouver...
Barney: Yup!
Robiin: Is that why my Yorkie trembled for like a week after i got back?
Barney: Yeah. That little guy saw some stuff i'm not proud of.
(Ted looks worried)
Robin: Wh-what?
Ted: There was a fight here.
Robin: What do you mean?
Ted: Whenever Marshall and Lily have a big argument, they always leave a trail of evidence all over the apartment.
Robin: Oh, God here we go. He had a detective club as a kid.
Ted: HUm the Mosby boys cracked a lot of big cases.
Robin: The Mosby boys? You mean you and your sister.
Ted: We solved the mystery of the missing retainer.
Robin: Let me guess, it was in the garbage.
Ted: Why are you like this? Anyway, this is serious. I know Lily and Marshall. All the tell tale signs are here. Like this
Robin: A water bott.
Barney (to Robin): Don't touch the evidence. (to Ted) I got your back partner.
Ted: It's not stiny water bottle. Notice the label is peed off.
[Flashback - The apartment- Lily/Marshall - They quarrel]Ted (voice off): Lily always peels labels off the bottle when she's feeling guilty. This lab is not only peel off but torn up. Oh man, she must have done something bad. Which means Marshall must have been really angry, and when Marshall gets rely angry, he eats.
[End flashback]
(Ted runs to the kitchen, picks up a ben & jerry ice cream on the floor)
Ted: Just as i suspected, Cherry Garcia. Given the liquid consistency, i place the fight between... noon and 1.
Robin: Ew, that was on the floor.
Barney: If you wwant to get to the bottom of this, you're gonna need a stronger stomach than that, doll face.
Ted: Marshall stood here. Eating and yelling, yelling and eating. Lily stood here. Crying. (Ted takes a handkerchief on the bar of the kitchen)
Robin: Hey, Ted!
Ted: And then Marshall tried to storm out... but Lily went for the Hail Marpass.
(We see Lily jump on Marshall and kiss him) Which would mean... (Ted finds an underwear behind the pillows of the sofa).
Barney: What do you think, make obsess?
Ted: There'd be a bigger mess. tempted as he was, Marshall was still too upset.
He had to get out of here, any way he could. He choose the door slamming it behind him.
Robin: Which Is why this picture is crooked.
Ted: Nice catch, Robin.
Barney: I'll just, uh, take this down to the lab. (He wants to take the wonderbra. Robin grab it from him).
Ted: Now that we need is a motive. The million dollar question what were they fighting about?
Robin: I know what they've been fighting...
Ted: bup bup bup bup bup... Theres's only one possible conclusion. Lily and Marshall are fighting about peanut butter.
Barney: Ah!
Ted: Lily left the lid off... (Ted put dark sunglasses) and marshall blew heads.
Robin: I know what they were fighting about, and it wasn't peanut butter.
Barney: Robin, just...
Ted: I appreciate your help, but there's a reason your name is Robin, not Batman.
Barney (to Robin): Just...
Robin: They were fighting because they didn't get the loan and it's all Lily's fault.
Barney: Robin, just...
Ted: What?
Robin: Yeah, she has a pile of debt the size of mount... Rushmore
Ted: Nice try Robin. So, the next thing Lily did was give Marshall a few hours to cool off about the peanut butter. Then she called him to apologize, which is why the last number dialed is... (Ted take the phone and see the last number)
Phone Voice: Greenstein and Lee, Divorce Attorneys. (Surprised, Ted throws the phone)
[The apartment - Ted, Barney, Robin - They're sitting down the floor of the kitchen and eating ice cream]
Ted: This can't be happening.
Barney: They can't... get divorced.
Ted: Not Lily and Marshall, no way.
Robin: Well, it's been nice knowing you guys.
Ted: What do you mean?
Robin: Well, Marshall's gonna get yyou guys, Lily's gonna get me.
Ted: Even if they break up, that doesn't mean we can't all hangout. I mean we broke up and we still hang out. It's not weird.
Robin: It's a little weird.
Ted: Yeah, it is. It's weird.
Barney: The world needs Marshall and Lily... together... I'm not crying, there's something in my eye.
(keys noise)
Robin: They're back.
(Lily and Marshall come into the room)
Marshall: Hey, hey guys.
Lily: We have an annoucement.
Barney (going to cry): I know, it's a terrible idea. You can't do it. Just look at me.
Ted: I h*t redial on the phone. Divorce lawyers?
Lily: Ow, I should explain. We got in a pretty big fight.
ted: Yeah, I know
Lily: Marshall stormed out.
Marshall: I went, uh, to the bar.
[Flashback: The bar- Marshall drinks the big bottle of champagne, Lily comes to him]
Lily: Still drinking that?
Marshall: I paid for it. And apparently money's tight now, so...
Lily: Listen, i've been thinking about this, and i know there's no way to undo what i've done, but, well, I made an appointment with a divorce lawyer.
Marshall: What?! What?!
Lily: Oh no no! no, no, no
Marshall (in the same time): You want a divorce now?
Lily: No! I just mean on papers, so that you can buy the apartment without my bad credit dragging us down.
Marshall: Lily... are you trying to k*ll me?
Lily: I'm sorry, i shouldn't have led with the divorce lawyer part.
Marshall: No, you shouldn't have! I love you, Lily.
Lily: I love you too, and i want us to have our dream home. And well, i don't know, it seems like this is a way to do it. So Marshall Eriksen, will you divorce me?
Marshall: That's the sweetest divorce proposal i've ever heard.
Lily: So is that a yes? You can't sleep with other women though.
Marshall: No we're not getting divorced, not even on paper. Lily, when i married you, i married your problems too. The ones i knew about and the ones i didn't. So that was the deal, we'll figure this out together. (They kiss, the waitress comes)
Wendy, upset, with a black eye: Can i get you guys anything else?
[End flashback]
Robin: So you're not getting a divorce?
Lily: No!
Ted: Wow, guys! You scared us.
Barney: Oh, thank God. Cause, i mean, if you did then who'd be the lame married couple i get to make fun of? Like 'Hey Marshall, you're married mrs right, you just didn't know her first name was Always.' That stuff is cold.
Robin: So what's the annoucement?
Marshall: I just got off the phone with the Realtor. We told her that, uh, because of our finances, we're not getting the place. It's just --it's not the right time.
Narrator: Is what Marshall should have said.
[Rewind] Marshall: I just got off the phone with the Realtor. we got the place!
Lily: We're home on earth!
The others: Are you insane?
Narrator: Is what we should have said.
Together: Yeah!! (They hug each other)
[On a cab -Lily/Marshall]
Marshall: Ow this is exciting!
Lily: Yeah! There it is! Our new home!
Marshall: Shall we?
Lily: We shall.
(They go out then come back quickly because of it stinks)
Lily: Oh! what a horrible smell.
Marshall: It reeks!
Cab driver: Oh, that's just the plant. Don't worry, they shut it down on the weekends.
Lily: Wh-what plant? What are you talking about?
Cab driver: Don't you know? Baby, this whole neighborhood is downwind of the sewage treatment plant.
Marshall: Wait... What did you just say?
Cab driver: I said, we're downwind of the sewage treatment plant.
[Title: DOWISETREPLA]
Marshall & Lily: Oh oh
End.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x07 - Dowisetrepla"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
At the appartment
Ted from 2030: Back when we were dating robin and I had this running joke. We were the only two people in the world who found it funny.
Barney: No way! March does not have 31 days.
Marshall: Yes, it does! Everyone knows that. It's like general knowledge.
Ted & Robin: General knowledge.
Ted from 2030: And we did it all the time.
At the Bar
Lily: Isn't it sad? I mean in 2007, some countries actually still condone corporal punishment.
Ted & Robin: Corporal punishment.
Ted from 2030: Because once you start, it's surprisingly hard to stop.
Marshall: Oh, man, I got a kernel stuck in my teeth.
Ted & Robin: Colonel stuck-in-my-teeth.
Please stop! I hate you! You're k*lling me!
Ted from 2030: But now, we were broken up,so when Marshall said...
Marshall: But after the first year,I get a major pay raise.
Ted from 2030: We just let it slide. You see, on the surface, Robin and I looked like we were doing great. But the truth is, trying to be friends with your ex is a lot harder than it looks. You can't be as candid as you used to be.
At the appartment
Ted: So then this hot intern leans over my desk, I can totally see she has a pierced... (Robin and Lily walk across the room) Brosnan. Pierce brosnan is my favorite of all the bonds.
At the Bar
Ted from 2030: But most importantly, you can never, ever be alone together.
(Barney, Marshall and Lily leave the booth)
Barney: I gotta go.
Marshall: I'm gonna go pay.
Lily: Peeing.
(Ted and Robin stays awkwardly at the booth, then...)
Ted: I'm gonna help marshall pay.
Robin: I'm gonna help lily pee.
[OPENING CREDITS]
At the Bar
(Lily drops a big turkey onto the table)
Lily: All right,we have a turkey.
Marshall: Yeah, we do.
Lily: Isn't this exciting? Our first Thanksgiving together as a group.
Marshall: Yeah, this is gonna be the best Slapsgiving ever.
Barney: What?
Marshall: I said this is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever.
Ted: yeah, this is going to be great. Just the five of us, right?
Robin: Oh, uh, that reminds me, I invited Bob.
Lily: Bob? You've been on, like, three dates with that guy. We haven't even met him.
Robin: Well, he didn't have anywhere else to go, and I didn't know what to say. Is it really that big a deal?
Lily: Yes. This is our first Thanksgiving. 30 years from now, we're going to look at the photos and say, "Oh, there's the four people I love most in the world... and Bob."
Robin: I'm sorry,sometimes I forget how seriously you guys take American Thanksgiving. Real thanksgiving happened over a month ago.
Barney: I'm sorry. Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving was and I'm quoting,"the real Thanksgiving"? What do Canadians even have to celebrate about?
Robin: Canadian Thanksgiving celebrates explorer martin frobisher's valiant yet ultimately unsuccessful attempt to find the northwest passage.
Barney: Why are you guys even a country?
Marshall: Oh, hey, by the way, if anyone wants to come over early thursday, we can watch the Slapsgiving day parade.
Barney: Well, there, you said it again.
Marshall: Said what?
Barney: Slapsgiving.
Marshall: Oh, I guess I did. You know why? I've invented a new holiday: Slapsgiving. It's the one day we set aside each year to gather together and give slaps.
Ted from 2030: I should explain. Kids, you remember the slap bet a year earlier, Marshall made a bet with Barney and won the right to slap him five times. He had already used the first and the second. But Marshall had something special in store for the third.
[FLASHBACK]
(There's a countdown on a computer screen)
Marshall, on the phone with Barney: slapcountdown.com.
Barney: no.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: No, no. The countdown ends at 3:00 p.m., the day after Thanksgiving. I counted it out.
Ted: How many days are in october?
Barney: Uh, thirty.
Ted: Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney, with a funny accent: I like Halloween very much. Is nice.
Ted: Is also tomorrow.
Barney: Damn it!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Wait, you're gonna slap me on Thanksgiving?
Marshall: Slapsgiving.
Barney: That's not allowed. Lily, you're the slap bet commissioner, is that allowed?
Lily: The hostess in me who's using her wedding china for the first time wants to say hell, no, but yeah, I 'm going to allow it.
Barney: Well, you know what? If you're trying to freak me out about spending Thanksgiving...
Marshall: Slapsgiving.
Barney:...at your place, then you failed. Truth is, I'm not scared.
Marhall: Really?
Barney: Right. Cause you blew it. The worst part about getting slapped is not knowing when it's going to happen. But now I know exactly when I'm gonna get slapped. So, you took all the suspense out. You showed your hand.
Marshall: And thursday at 3:01 p.m., your face is going to show my hand.
Robin: Oh, there's Bob! By the way, heads up, he's a little bit older than us.
Ted: How old is he?
Robin: He's forty-one. Hey, bob! Over here!
Ted from 2030: Okay, kids, the truth is, Bob probably looked like this.
(A fortyish-looking kind of man enters the bar)
Bob: Hey, sweetie.
Robin: Hi.
Ted from 2030: But when your ex is dating someone new your mind tends to accentuate their flaws. This is how I saw bob.
(Bob looks now like an eighty-years-old man)
Bob: Hey, dudes,what's crackin'?.
Ted: Hey, man, how are you?
Bob: Good to meet you. Sorry I'm late. I just got off the phone with my parents.
Ted: Parents?
Bob: They were totally on my case: "What are you gonna do with your life? You're forty-one." and I'm like, "Chillax, snowboarding is a legit career. you ought to be stoked I found my bliss." and speaking of bliss,sugar me, baby. ( Robin and Bob kiss)
Robin: Let's go get a drink.
(Bob and Robin goes away)
Ted: Unbelievable. Robin is dating Orville Redenbacher.
Lily: What are you talking about? He's forty-one.he looks great.
Marshall: Yeah, du he's in pretty good shape. He could probably kick your ass.
Ted: How are you guys not seeing this? He's 150; Robin's 27. Barney, come on,what do you got?
Barney: Nothing but respect for that man.
Lily: Oh, by the way, we're all baking pies at robin's tomorrow. Marshall can't be trusted in the apartment with pies overnight.
Marshall: For the millionth time, sleep-eating is a very serious and delicious medical condition.
Ted: Hey, uh, what time are you guys going to robin's?
Lily: 7:30.
Ted: Perfect. Just to be safe, I'll get there like 8:00, 8:30.
At Robin's
Ted: Sorry I'm late. Where are Marshall and Lily?
Robin: Uh, they just called. They're both super swamped preparing for tomorrow.
Ted: Is Bob coming?
Robin: No, he went to see green day.
Ted: So it's...
Ted and Robin:...just the two of us.
Robin: Making pies.
Ted: Pies. They're things that friends make together.
Robin: Yeah, they do.
Ted: Great.
Robin: Yeah.
Ted: Great. Well, this is great. It'll give us a chance to catch up.
Robin: Yeah.
Ted: I'm going to make a phone call. (On the phone with Barney who is at the Bar) Hey, it's me. listen, you have to come over here and make pies.
Barney: Yeah, I'll be there, absolutely.
Ted: Oh, awesome, you're a lifesaver. It's still kind of weird being alone with Robin, but if you were here...
Barney: Hey, say no more. I mean, when I pulled you out of that burning wreckage, I wasn't doing it to have a battleship named after me. But if you insist, yes, I'll be there for the christening.
Ted: You're hitting on someone right now, aren't you?
Barney: No, I'm not going to wear the medal of honor. That would just be tacky.
Ted: So you're not coming to make pies.
Barney: No, no. Thank you, mr. President. (He hungs up) Sorry.
At the appartment
Ted from 2030: After a very long night, it was finally the big holiday. Sorry, the two big holidays.
Lily: Oh, marshall, are you working on the cranberry sauce?
Marshall: In a minute, baby. I've only got so many hands. You see what I got going on here? They're turkeys, but they're also hands, because later, we're going to eat turkey... and then i'm going to slap you in your face.
Barney: Please, you took out all the suspense. In a horror movie, the k*ller does not grab a bullhorn and announce, "Attention unsupervised teens here at the lake house: at precisely 3:00 a.m., I'm gonna jump out of that closet right there and hack you all up with a machete. P.S. f*re is my one weakness."
(Someone is knocking on the door, Ted opens it)
Robin: Hey, ted.
Ted: Hey, happy Thanksgiving.
Robin: You, too. Is lily in the kitchen?
Ted: yep.
Robin: Great.
Ted: Marshall?
Robin: Lily?
Ted and Robin: Something really weird happened last night.
Marshall: What do you mean something weird happened last night?
Ted: You may not realize this, but since we broke up, Robin and I have never really been alone together.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: So we're in the kitchen, starting on the pies, and we realize, we don't have a damn thing to say to each other.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: I mean, you can't talk about how close you used to be. You can't talk about how close you're not now. You just feel like everything you say is gonna make things worse.
Barney: Exactly. And you know why? Because you don't want to hurt someone you really care about, especially around the holidays. I mean, what decent human being would want to cause any kind of emotional or physical pain...
Marshall: You're still getting slapped.
Ted: I wanted to leave, but i couldn't stick her with making all the pies by herself. She was exhausted.
Robin: I yawned like a million times trying to get him to leave.
Lily: Yeah, some people just can't take a hint. By the way, I'm really swamped in here.
Robin: I kept looking at the clock and sighing... totally clueless.
Lily: Uh-huh. I'm not sure I have time to mash those potatoes, you're standing right next to.
Robin: And then Ted does the thing that he always does when there's an awkward silence.
Lily: Yep. masher's right there, next to the pot.
Robin: He panics and says the first thing that pops into his head.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: Hey, did you know that the first pies in recorded history came from Ancient Egypt?
Ted: Remember last year's Thanksgiving, when we had sex seven times?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Ooh. terrible.
Ted: What?! I thought it would break the ice.
Robin: I'd already broken the ice with my cool pie fact. then he makes it ten times more awkward.
Lily: How do you respond to something like that?
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: Did you know that the egyptian pyramids can be seen from space? Probably?
Ted: Ooh, the oven's pre-heated!
Robin: Okay, um... the pecan pie is gonna take the longest. Why don't we put that one in first?
Ted: Pecan pie? Why are we making that?
Robin: Um, it's my favorite.
Ted: You're allergic.
Robin: I know. I just like smelling it. It's like eating with your nose.
Ted: So we're making a pie for Bob.
Robin: Yeah.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: She's got you making pies for this guy?
Ted: Yeah.
Marshall: That is a real slap in the face.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: You know, you could have just told me it was for Bob.
Robin: Yeah, I-I just thought it might upset you.
Ted: Upset me? Wait a second. Do you think that......Do you think that I'm jealous of Bob?
Robin: I don't know. Is it so ridiculous to think that you might be?
Ted: Yes.
Robin: Why?
Ted: Because he's a thousand years old.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: No, Ted! What are you doing?
Robin: Right?
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: The only reason I'm jealous of Bob is that we can only talk about the first Thanksgiving,
Robin: Come on.
Ted: The only reason I'm jealous of Bob is because I heard noah gave him g*n in the ark.
Robin: Ted...
Ted: The only reason I'm jealous of Bob is that I'm just an architect, but he discovered f*re. How do you top that?
Robin: He's 41! Why are you bashing on him so hard?
Ted: I'm not. I'm just joking around. That's what friends do.
Robin: It's mean.
Ted: Well, how come we're all allowed to bust on barney when he dates some skanktron, but when you sleep with the crypt keeper's dad, I'm not allowed to say a word?
Robin: First of all, Bob and I are not sleeping together. We're just dating. Secondly, have I said one word about the parade of dubious conquests you've been marching past me the last few months? One of whom got you a butterfly tattoo?
Ted: Hey, that is...
Robin: And if you and I are such good friends... why is baking a pie for Bob so weird?
Ted: Yeah, if you and i are such good friends, why couldn't you just tell me that's what we were doing? Okay, maybe we should talk about this later. I-I should get going.
Robin: Well, what are we doing? It's Thanksgiving.
Ted: I don't know. I'm sorry. This is stupid.
Robin: I'm sorry, too. Of course we're friends. I'm glad we're friends.
Ted: me, too.
(They hug and then kiss)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily, Marshall and Barney: You guys slept together last night?
Lily: That is a terrible idea!
Marshall: Horrible idea.
Barney: Relapse five! That's where we high-five, then it's awkward for a little bit... and then we high-five again!
Lily: What the hell were you doing? Let's review: you and Ted broke up six months ago. You're dating another man...
Robin: You are correct, Sir.
Lily:...who's coming to my thanksgiving today...
Robin: That is a truth-fact.
Lily:...an event Ted is also attending.
Robin: kablammo.
Lily: Why are you trying to destroy American Thanksgiving?!
Robin: Oh, Lily, it's not as bad as it sounds. Bob and I aren't that serious, and what happened last night with Ted was a fluke.
Lily: Well, did you guys at least talk about it?
[FLASHBACK]
Ted:: There's office material...
Robin: I hear something burning...
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Clearly, we need to ignore this.
Robin: Clearly, we need to talk about this.
Ted and Robin: You know? to save the friendship.
Robin: We need to talk.
Ted: Stuffed mushroom?
Robin: We need to talk about last night.
Ted: Did you know that some mushrooms are carnivorous? Probably... not?
Robin: Ted, can we please just deal with this? Look, I'm not mad. I just think...
Ted: Wait, wait, wait, wait. why would you be mad... you started it?
Robin: What?! you're crazy!
Ted: We called a truce, we hugged, and when I tried to pull away, you kept your hand on my neck.
Robin: Only because your hand was still around my waist.
Ted: Oh, come on! You leaned into it.
Robin: I... leaned into it?
Ted: Yeah. You're like the crappy kid in little league who knows he's not going to make contact, so he just..."Oops, I got h*t by the pitch. Better take my base."
Robin: Oh, that was you in little league, wasn't it?
Ted: My on-base percentage was off the charts!
(Ted drops a plate full of appetizers)
Marshall: Oh, no! The slap-petizers.
Lily: You know what? That's it! This is Thanksgiving. Solve this right now. And if you have sex again, neither of you gets dessert! Oh, what the hell kind of Thanksgiving is this anyway?
Barney: Um, most Thanksgivings.
Marshall: Don't stress, baby. I'll try to find us something relaxing.
Lily: Thanks, baby. Ooh, some classical music, maybe.
(The count-down appears on the computer screen)
Marshall: Oh, my! Look at that. That means we're in the final hour of the countdown.
Barney: I'm not scared.
Marshall: Then why is your right cheek twitching? It's not... maybe it's because future me slaps future you so hard, it reverberates back to the present, shattering the time-slap continuum.
Barney: Please don't slap me.
Marshall: I'm sorry, what?
Barney: Oh, God! don't slap me again! I don't want to get slapped again, and the first two times hurt so bad, I don't like it! I don't like it one bit!
Marshall: I thought I ruined it by putting a clock on it, Barney?
Barney: Well, you didn't ruin it; you made it so much worse! I can't eat. I can't sleep. I've lost ten pounds; my suits are wearing me. You know what? I'm outta here.
Marshall: Well, no, no, no. you can't leave.
Barney: Why can't I?! Nowhere in the rules does it say that I have to sit through sort of mental t*rture! You are allowed to slap my face, Sir, but you are not allowed to slap my mind! Good day!
Marshall: But it's Slapsgiving.
Lily: No! It's not! It's Thanksgiving! Our first one as a married couple, as grownups and you're not even trying to be a part of it! None of you are! So... as slap bet commissioner, I'm issuing a ruling. Thanksgiving is a day of peace. There will be no slaps today!
Marshall: What?!
Barney: Yes! In your face! Not my face... your face!
(Bob arrives)
Bob: What's up, dudes?
All: Hey, bob.
Marshall: Baby,please... -no!
Lily: The slap bet commissioner's word is final, so get in the kitchen and mash some potatoes, now. And for the rest of the day, we are going to enjoy a civilized, grownup holiday.
Bob: Not too grownup. I made jell-o sh*ts. We're gonna get silly, bitches.
In Ted's room
Robin: Look at us! We can't be alone together, can we?
Ted: Apparently not.
Robin: What does that mean? We're supposed to be friends.
Ted: We aren't friends, are we? Not really. We avoid each other. We smile politely. We're two people who pretend to be friends because it would be inconvenient not to.
Robin: Well, maybe we should stop pretending.
Ted: Maybe we should.
Robin: So... what do we do now?
Ted: I suppose... we eat dinner. And then that's it.
Robin: Okay.
(Robin leaves the room)
Ted: Happy Thanksgiving.
(Ted leaves the room too)
At diner
Ted from 2030: So we sat down to our first Thanksgiving together as a group...and, apparently, our last.
Barney: Marshall, you're not eating. Did something spoil your slap-petite?
Marshall: No, i just thought...before we eat, maybe the chef would like to say a few words.
Lily: Nope. This sucks. Eat up and leave.
Marshall: Well, then, I'd like to say something. If that's cool? Um... today, Lily did something great. Not only did she gather us all here together and cook a delicious meal, but she also started a new tradition. We're gonna do this again next year, and the year after that... maybe for the rest of our lives. I think that's pretty amazing if you think about it. And it's all thanks to you,Lily. I love you. So, to the first of many Thanksgivings together.
Bob: This is rad! A nice, small,simple Thanksgiving. I'm the youngest of ten in my family, so our Thanksgiving is a mess. All the yelling and the screaming...
Ted from 2030: And then a funny thing happened...
Bob: It's really a major buzz-k*ll.
Ted and Robin: Major buzz-k*ll.
Lily: Oh, no...
Barney: I thought we were done with that?
Robin: I guess we're not.
Ted: Guess we're not.
Ted from 2030: You see kids, friendship is an involuntary reflex... It just happens,you can't help it. That first Thanksgiving turned out to be a wonderful dinner with the four people I love most in the world... and Bob and it did become a tradition. That's why every year,we go to aunt Lily and uncle Marshall's for Thanksgiving.
Barney: Hey, check it out! We're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing.
Lily: Barney, put it away.
Barney: How does it feel, Marshall,to sit there, impotently... your large, flaccid hand,just dangling in the wind?
Voice: The slap will occur in ten..
Barney: Ooh, classy touch, dude. Too bad!
Lily: Barney, put it away.
Voice:...six...
Barney: I will in... five...
Voice:... five, four...
Lily: You can slap him.
Voice:...three...
Barney: What?! Wait, you...
Voice:...two...one.
(Marshall slaps Barney with all his might, Barney falls down)
Marshall: That's three! Thanks, baby, you're the best. And as a special, added bonus, I've composed a song just for this occasion. Ted, lights! (Marshall starts playing the piano and singing) *What is this feelin' that's put you in your place a hot, red burnin' on the side of your face you feel the blood rush to your cheek. Tears start to fill your eyes and your lips are tremblin' but you can't speak,you're tryin', oh, you're tryin' not to cry! You just got sla-apped-oh, oh! Across the face, my friend-oh, oh, oh! You just got slapped. Yes, that really just happened. Everybody saw it and everybody laughed and clapped, it was awesome. Wait,you just got... slapped. Happy Slapsgiving, everybody.*
Bob is gone, the g*ng is in the kitchen
Lily: Well, guys have fun.
Ted: This is gonna be majoy cleaner.
All: Major cleaner!
Marshall: Oh man, we're gonna be doing this all the time, now aren't we?
Robin: That's the general idea.
All: General idea.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x09 - Slapsgiving"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
[September 2007 - The appartment]
Lily and Marshall (laughing): Oh my god!
Ted (gets out of his bedroom): I have a tattoo!
Barney: oh, that's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp!
Ted: a tramp stamp?!
[Title: present day -in a tatto remote clinic]
Narrator: kids, too often in life, we make decisions that we're not prepared to live with. (a man with a tattoo "rex&evelyn forever" cries) This is a story about those decisions, and the consequences that follow. (Ted is in the clinic, hidden derriere a newspaper)
[the appartment - Ted/Marshall/Barney]
Ted: Say goodbye, kids, 'cause it won't be around much longer. (He shows his tattoo)
Lily: oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly, how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper fron reno with daddy issues?
Ted: yes, yes, enjoy these final moments of mockery because in just ten surprisingly expensive sessions, Stella is gonna zap that butterfly right off the face of my lower back.
Lily: Stella?
Ted: Dr Stella Zinman. She's the best in the business. And she's rather cute in fact. In fact... we're going to a movie together tonight.
Barney: what?
Ted: I asked her out.
All: Ted, why would you do that?
Barney: what's matter with you?
Ted: What? What do you mean?
Barney: Dude... don't poop where you eat.
Ted: oh, no, this doesn't count.
Marshall: If it's someone you see on a regular basis, and you can't avoid them...
Lily: and in this case, you're paying them... then yes, it counts.
Barney: You've heard of the golden rule, right? "love their neighbor?"
Ted: uh, actually, it's "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It's from the bible.
Barney: Damn it Ted, i've worked out this whole thing where the golden rule is "love thy neighbor", ok?... Now the golden rule is "love thy neigbor". But, there's one rule above it: the platinum rule: "never ever, ever, ever, love thy neighbor."
Ted: Well, that's cute. But she's not my neighbor, she's my doctor. So if you'll excuse me...
Robin: Wait, Ted, Barney has a point. Remember what happened with me and curt down at the station?
Marshall: Oh, yeah, and remember what happened with us and the gerards across the hall?
Barney: Need i remind you about me and Wendy the waitress?
Ted (combs his hair): yeah, i don't have time for this. I'm out the door as soon as i'm finished with my hair.
Barney: good, then we've got a solid half hour. And in that time, we will convince you not to set foot out that door. It's a story older than time, my friend, and it always plays out in the same eight steps. Step 1: Attraction.
[TITLE: ATTRACTION - November 2005- The bar- Barney/Robin/Lily/Marshall/Ted/Wendy the waitress]
Barney: It's true.
Marshall: That's not even possible.
Barney: 12 of them.
Marshall: There's no way.
Wendy: Here's your gin and tonic.
Barney: Thanks.
wendy: O gosh! Look at that. (She leaves scrubing a stain in her shirt, Barney starves at her with interest)
[December 2006 -The hall- Lily/Marshall - They gets out of their apartment]
A man: Oh, hey! You must be our new neighbors. I'm Michael.
A women: and i'm laura.
Marshall: Oh, hi, welcome to the building. Yeah.
Laura: Do you guys know any good brunch places around here?
Lily: We love brunch!
[October 2007 - set of Metro news 1 -Robin/a host]
The host: You must be Robin.
Robin: yeah!
The host: Curt "the iron man" irons. I'm gonna be doing sports.
Robin: Oh, welcome. You look really familiar. Are you a former athlete?
Curt: Hockey.
Barney (off voice): The attraction is instant and undeniable.
[Present- The apartment]
Barney: But you know better. You've seen your friends make the same mistakes before. You've laughed smugly at them.(laughs) Idiots! But still, you think, "this is different. The platinum rule doesn't apply to me." And that step 2! Bargaining.
[TITLE: BARGAINING- 2007- The bar- All]
Robin: I think i've got a little crush on our sports guy.
All: NO! no, no, don't do it!
Robin: I know, i know but he used to play hockey, and i'm canadian. I can't help it. If he were missing some teeth, i probably would have already h*t that.
Lily: Robin, it's a mistake. Remember what happened with me and Marshall? The Gerards across the hall?
[2006- The bar- All]
Lily: Michael and LAura. They're awesome. We're gonna invite them over for dinner.
The others: Oh no, no guys guys! Are you insane?
Ted: This is NYC.You don't get close to the neighbors. You nod at them politely in the hall. You call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while and you smell something funny, and that is it.
Lily: we're not gonna date them. We're just gonna be friends with them.
Barney: That's the couples version of dating.
Robin: And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. Oh, yeah, you want to browse at pottery barn with them. You want to go antiquing with them, don't you? Oh, yeah, you want to antique the crap out of them.
Barney: Need i remind you what happened with me and Wendy the waitress?
[2005- The bar- All]
Barney: I've decided to seduce Wendy the waitress.
The others: No! Don't do it!
Barney: Request denied! What rule is there that say's i can't seduce the waitress at my favorite bar?
Lily: I don't know. I'd expect you to have one already.
Robin: Yeah, with some sort of catchy name.
Barney: Well, i don't. I don't have one and i never will be because it's a great idea. Come on, guys! She's gullible. I'm bored. We're perfect for each other.
Ted: Barney, we love this bar. If you screxw over Wendy the waitress, you're going to k*ll the bar.
Robin: Bar k*ller.
Marshall: Don't k*ll the bar, dude.
Barney: yeah, well... I think it'll be okay.
[2006- The bar- All]
Barney (to Marshall and Lily): And it was a huge mistake.
Marshall: yeah, well, i think it'll be okay.
[2007- The bar]
Lily (to Robin): And it was a huge mistake.
Robin: yeah, well... I think it'll be okay.
[Present day- The apartment]
Robin: And it was a huge mistake.
Ted: yeah, well... I think it'll be okay.
[How i met your mother - Credits]
Barney: Ted, trust me. You don't want to do this.
Ted: Look, Stella and i are adults; we're both smart, mature people capable of making good decisions.
Robin: You have a butterfly tramp stamp.
Ted: We're just seeing a movie. If it seems at all weird, i'll back off.
Barney: That's what everyone thinks and then along comes step 3: Submission.
[TITLE: SUBMISSION- Closing of the bar- Barney/Wendy the waitress]
Barney: Good night!
Wendy: Hey Barney! Carl had to take off. You mind giving me a hand?
Barney: Not at all.
[Set of metro news 1- Robin/Curt]
Curt: Robin! I got 2 tickets to the rangers. Center ice. Want to go?
[The hall of the appartment- Marshall/Lily/Laura&Michael]
Laura: and then we discover the movers lost all our kitchen boxes. We don't have a single pot or pan.
Michael: Guess we're ordering take-out.
Lily: Want to have dinner with us tonight?
[Barney kisses Wendy/ Robin and Curt are in the hockey match/ Lily&Marshall cook with Laura&Michael/ Barney and wendy have sex on the bar/ The 2 couples play mime/ Robin kisses Curt]
[Barney and Wendy, just after they had sex]
Wendy: That was an intersting use of the beverage g*n.
Barney: Club soda can get anything off.
Wendy: It finally happened, all this time, every drink i brought you... I always felt there was this unspoken connection between us. And i was right!
Barney: hey, can i get a gin and tonic?
[Present day- the apartment]
Ted: See, i bet you didn't pay for that gin and tonic.
Barney: oh, i paid for it.
Ted: But you got to admit, there is an upside to breaking the platinum rule. Like maybe as her boyfrien, i could get a discount on treatments.
Barney: Oh, Ted, of course there's an upside. At first, that's step 4: Perks.
[TITLE: PERKS- 2007 The bar]
Robin: we can split a cab to work together. We always have a standing lunch date. And last night, at the hockey game, Curt got us into the locker room, and i met Mason Raymond. Left wing for the Vancouver canucks.
Barney: What the opposite of name-dropping?
Robin: Damn it you guys, be psyched. Yes, we see each other every day, but i think it's going really well.
Lily: That's what we thought.
[2006 - The bar]
Lily: And it's so conveniant. They're right across the hall. Say it's sunday and we want to have a brunch double date with someone.
Marshall: We just go across the hall.
Lily: And say we want to have a dinner party exploring the wine and cuisine of France's Loire Valley.
Marshall: We just go across the hall.
Lily: Say we want to play a game of charades...
(Marshall mimes something)
Barney (guessing): you just go across the hall? (Marshall agreed)
Lily: Come on people, get excited for us! We've got a great thing going here.
Barney: That's what i thought.
[2005 - The bar]
Marshall: Dude, you got to flick it.
Barney: you don't have... (Wendy the waitress comes and serves food to Barney)
Wendy: Hi, sweetie. I had the kitchen whip these up, no charge. (They kiss) Okay. Bye. I mean, not bye. I'm not leaving. I'll be over there. okay. (She leaves)
Barney: Come on, guys, free nachos. What?
Ted: We like this bar.
Marshall: Don't k*ll the bar, dude.
Ted: Barney, we love this bar.
Marshall: Don't k*ll the bar, dude.
Ted: This bar is like home to us.
Marshall(at the same time): Don't k*ll the bar.
Lily: You're k*lling the bar.
Barney: I'm not k*lling the bar. Wendy the waitress has seen how i operate in this place. It is perfectly clear to everyone involved that this is nothing more than a temporary fling. (Wendy starves him, lovely) It's fiiine.
[2006 - The bar]
Barney (to Lily and Marshall): But it wasn't.
Marshall: It's fine.
[2007 -The bar]
Lily (to Robin): But it wasn't.
Robin: It's fine.
[Present day -the appartment]
Robin: But it wasn't.
Barney: Which brings us to step 5: THE TIPPING POINT.
[TITLE: THE TIPPING POINT- set of metro news 1- Curt/Robin]
Curt:...but he should be back on the mound by spring training and that's sport. Back to you, Robin.
Robin: Thanks iron man we'll be right back.
Productor: and clear.
Robin: So you want to do something later?
Curt: Oh, so you're talking to me now?
Robin: What are you talking about?
Curt: I'm talking about last night. You said you'd call and you didn't. I missed you and i waited up, but you didn't call. That really hurts.
Robin: oh, um, i'm sorry, i-i guess i just forgot.
Curt: I'm sorry Sweetie. I don't want to fight tonight. It's our first weekiversary. (he hugs her)
[2005- The bar- Barney/Ted/Marshall]
Marshall: on my suggestion, you... (Barney looks at a girl)
Barney: hey, Wendy, uh, do me a favor and send a glass of champagne to that pretty young girl over there.
Wendy: What? (Ted and Marshall starve Barney, anxious)
Barney: over there... YOU... you're the pretty young thing...is what i meant. Champagne? Would you? on me.
Wendy: Oh, okay, thanks sweetie. (She kisses him)
Barney: okay. All right.
[2006- The apartment- Lily/Marshall- They want to go out, lily opens the door]
Michael: hey, neighbors.
Laura: We bought all the fixings for a mexican fiesta.
Lily: um, well, we actually have tickets...
Michael: and no fiesta would be complete without
Marshall: Dude, actually, we made other plans, so... okay (Michael mimes) one word. 2 syllables. Sounds like... parades: charades.
Michael: charades!
Laura: What do you say?
[3 plans on the same time: Curts hugs Robin on the set/ Lily&Marshall sit down the couch, looking the couple mime/ Barney and Wendy at the bar]
All: Oh no!
[Present day- The apartment]
Barney: which brings to step 6.
Ted: Yeah, listen i'm leaving so if you want to write the rest of these down, i will read it tomorrow.
(Ted wants to go out, Barney stops him)
Barney: Don't do this Ted.
Ted: You want to get out of the way?
Ted: Don't do this Ted. Don't (He brushes his hair in a mess)
Ted: Dude! ya! It was perfect! You're such a jerk!
Barney: Which brings us to step 6. You finally realize you've made a huge mistake and now you have to live with it. Step 6 is called purg... wait for it. Keep waiting. Keep waiting for the eternity only to dicover there's no escap-atory.
[TITLE: PURGATORY - 2007 - The bar- All]
Robin: God, i'm such an idiot.
Marshall: yeah.
Robin: Curt "the iron man" irons keeps leaving me love notes on post-its. On the teleprompter, on my desk, on the coffee-maker, on the jar of sugar packets next to the coffee-maker.
Lily (reads a post-it): "here's some sugar for my sugar."
Robin: The iron man. oh!
Marshall: I remember that.
[2006- The bar- All]
Marshall: Ro! we are such idiots!
Barney: Yeah!
Lily: Every time we step out the door, they're out there waiting for us. Sometimes, we'll send Ted out first as a scout. Nobody's there. Then we'll go out one second later, and there they are.
Marshall: It's freakin' supernatural. Are they ghosts? Can only we see them?
Lily: "Hey neighbor!" "Hey, neighbor""Hey neighbor."
Barney: I remember that.
[2005 -The bar- All]
Barney: How could you guys let me date Wendy the waitress?
All: oh you are kidding me?! What?!
Marshall: Don't k*ll the bar dude!
Lily (same time): We said "don't do it!"
Barney: tss (He looks at a girl but Wendy is right behind, she smiles, he looks desperate)
My own bar. I can't h*t on women in my own bar. Remember the old Barney? He was a lion, the king of the jungle, stalking whatever prey he chose, going in for the k*ll.
Ted: You've got a whole meat locker at home full of corpses, don't you?
Barney: Now look at me. Declawed. Neutered. What was once my jungle is now my zoo and i am forced to mate with the same old lioness again, and again, and again while families pay to watch.
Ted: yeah, this metaphor's really falling apart.
Barney: Put a bell around my neck and scratch my belly kids, for i am just a docile housecat now. Miaou!
Lily: Well, we love this bar. You can't dump her. Marry her if you have to.
Robin: Wendy the waitress hyphen Stinson.
Marshall: don't k*ll the bar dude.
[Present day- The apartment]
Barney: And so, inevitably, you have to do the thing you've been dreading all along. Now, a relationship-ectomy is a delicate surgery as it is, but in the case of the platinum rule, it takes a very, very steady hand, and that's step 7: CONFRONTATION.
[TITLE: CONFRONTATION- set of metro news 1]
Robin: Curt, we need to talk. I like you...
[The hall- Lily/Marshall/the couple]
Marshall: guys, we like you a lot...
[The bar -Barney/Wendy]
Barney: I don't like you.
Robin: We're pretending this works, but it doesn't. And i'm getting a little sick of the whole charade.
Lily: We're getting a little sick of charades.
Barney: I mean, i don't like you that way. I used to like you that way but now that i've seen everything there is to see, i don't know, i kind of want to see those same parts just on other girls.
Robin: So maybe we could go back to just being coworkers.
Marshall: Maybe we should just go back to being neighbors.
Barney: other girls and you, if you're into that but the other girls have to be there, too. That's the important part.
Wendy: Gosh, you're just terrified of ever getting close to anyone, aren't you?
Barney: or that. Let's say it's that. So can i get a gin and tonic?
[Present day]
Barney: And in any other relationship, that would be it. End of story. But because you have to see this person again, there's a step 8: FALLOUT.
[TITLE: FALLOUT- set of metro news one]
Robin: And now, here's Curt "the iron man" irons with sports. Curt? (he's demoralized) Curt?
Curt: Well, the Knicks lost. It's sad, really. They had a real sh*t. Then, out of nowhere, game over. And why? Why Robin?
Robin: Uh, well, their perimeter sh**ting has been a little bit off this season...
Curt: The knicks lost because they were afraid of getting hurt. So they didn't even try. Well, you know what i think? I think the knicks didn't deserve my love to begin with. Kincks suck! (He gets out, on tears)
Robin: And that's sports.
[camera looks inside the boudha of the apartment]
Lily: Do you see anything?
Marshall: I think we're clear.
Lily: ok go go go. (They go out but the door of the Gerards opens, they gets in quickly)
Marshall: That was close.
Lily: Too close. (Someone knocks on the door) You've got to be kidding me. What do we do?
Marshall: I have no idea. (it knocks again)
Ted: guys, are you here? I forgot my keys. Can you open up?
Lily: It's just Ted!
Marshall: Wait! (He looks at the judha: Ted is alone)
Ted: Hello? Guys? (Marshall looks again and see the Gerards go out their apartment)
Marshall: Baby, we only have one choice.
Lily: Okay, hurry! (They come down to the rescue ladder) Michael and Laura are probably...
Laura: Hey, neighbors.
[The bar]
Wendy: Barney, i just want you to know, i have no hard feelings. It wasn't the best idea for us to get involved. I hope we can still be friends.
Barney: Thanks Wendy. Of course we can.
Wendy: If you need anything else, let me know.
Ted: waouh. I've got to hand it to Wendy the waitress that was very mature of her.
Barney: She's gonna try to k*ll me. This is poisoned.
Ted: What? You're being ridiculous.
Barney: Yours is poisoned too. She's trying to k*ll me and everyone close to me.
Ted: What are you talking about?
Barney: Ted! Look at the facts. I dump her and she says "no hard feelings". She's a psycho! What other explanation is there?
Ted: Uh, that you're letting yourself believe she's crazy so you don't have to face the far more likely possibility that she doesn't want to date you either?
Barney: Where did Marshall get that hamburger?
Ted: I don't know, i guess Wendy the Waitress brought it to him.
Barney (in slow motion, comes towards Marshall): Noooooooo! (He throws his hamburger away)
Marshall: Dude.
Barney: You're welcome.
[Present day]
Robin: Wait a second. You've been sitting here, pretending to be the expert on all this, but the truth is, this was no real fallout from your breakup at all?
Barney: Yet.
Robin: You're an idiot.
Ted: All right, i'm taking off.
Barney: What?
Ted: I have a date. (Barney brushes Ted's hair in a mess)
Ted: You're such a jerk!
Barney: Ted, have you not been listening? Attraction, bargaining, submission, perks, tipping point, purgatory, confrontation, fallout! These things will all happen to you as surely as they happened to all of us! It's a rule of nature.
Ted: Well, i'm sick of all the rules! There's too many of them! The hot/crazy scale, the lemon law, the platinum rule! If everyone in the world followed every one of your rules, the human race would cease to exist. Yes chances are to Stella and I are not going to live happily ever after the overwhelming odds have it ending badly. And when that happens, it'll be for one of a million possible reasons. But that doesn't mean i'm not gonna try. And when it does fail, so help me god, it's not gonna be because of some rule. (He watches himself in th mirror) PS: you just made my hair look awesome. Good night. (He leaves)
Narrator: So Stella and i went on our date. But here's the funny thing: turns out, it wasn't actually a date.
[TITLE: 3 hours later- The apartment- All]
Marshall: So what do you mean "it wasn't a date"?
Ted: She thought we were seeing a movie just as friends.
Marshall: Why would she think that?
Robin: Did she see your tattoo and assume you were gay?
Ted: Apparently, there's a rule that says i can't date Stella.
Barney: Exactly, the platinum rule. Stella reads my blog.
Ted: No, this rule comes from the american medical association. Doctors aren't legally allowed to date their patients.
Lily: Oh, sorry Ted.
Ted: It's okay. What are you guys watching?
Narrator: So that was the end of the story between me and Stella, at least for the time being. But i don't know, looking back on the platinum rule, i think there's a ninth step. We'll call it coexistence. It's the moment you realize that all that anger and resentment just isn't useful.
[Set metro news one]
Robin: Thanks for watching.
Curt: Good night.
Narrator: and you start to let go of it.
[The hall]
Marshall&Lily (to Michael&Laura): Hey guys!
Lily: So what do you guys have going on tonight?
Laura: We're going to have a few friends over.
Michael: gonna play some charades.
Marshall: Have fun.
Narrator: And move on with your life.
[The bar- All]
Narrator: It just takes a while.
(Wendy comes to the table and offers a drink to Barney): On the house.
Barney: Thanks. (She leaves and he throws the drink) Crazy!
END.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x11 - The Platinum Rule"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted is waiting for his turn in the tattoo removal center.
Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes in life you see someone and you just instantly know this is the person for you. It can happen anywhere. Even the waiting room of a tattoo removal clinic. And that's what happened when I met..Stella.
Ted is inside the doctor's office
Stella: Ah, the butterfly tramp stamp. My bread and butter. So I'm guessing that the real story involves a bad breakup and some booze. Unless it's a g*ng tattoo, in which case, I think it's time to find a new g*ng.
Ted: No, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, and then a few weeks went by, and all of a sudden...
Stella: Well, I can get rid of it in ten one-hour sessions, but, I should warn you, laser surgery's very painful.
Ted: Well, I think you'll find I have a very high tolerance for pain. Just last night, I sat through the worst movie ever made.
Stella: Oh, Plan 9 From Outer Space?
Ted: No, the worst movie... Manos: Hands of Fate.
Stella: Uh, I'm a doctor, went to medical school. It's Plan 9. If you don't believe me, it's playing down at the Pamela Theater.
Ted: Uh-huh. I don't believe you, Doctor.
Stella: Well, what are you doing tonight?
At the movie theater
(Ted arrives there, Stella is already there and is waiting to buy a ticket)
Stella: Hey, Ted.
Ted: Hey. Hey, put that away. Tonight's on me.
Stella: Oh, no, no, don't...
Ted: Come on, I insist.
Stella: That's so nice. Thank you. Hey, guys, this is my friend Ted. (3 women approaches) He wants to pay.
Ted: Oh, wow. Oh, yay. Wow, thank you. One, two, three, four.
(Later, the movie has g*n, Stella's friends are sitting between she and Ted)
Woman 1, to Ted: Is something wrong?
Ted: No, it's just, um... I'm just a little embarrassed. I thought this was a date. But it's no big deal. Don't worry about it.
Woman 2, to Woman 1: What's wrong?
Woman 1, to Woman 2: Ted's embarrassed-- he thought this was a date.
Woman 2, to Woman 3: Ted thought this was a date.
Woman 3, to Stella: Stella, did you know Ted thought this was a date?
Stella, to Woman 3: What? I'm not allowed to date a patient. It's an AMA rule.
Woman 3, to Woman 2: She's not allowed to date patients. It's an AMA rule.
Woman 2, to Woman 1: She's not allowed to date patients. It's an AMA rule.
Woman 1, to Ted: She's not allowed to date...
Ted: Yeah, I got it.
Man: We all got it. Ted's a schmuck.
[OPENING CREDITS]
In Stella's office
Stella: And you bought all the tickets.
Ted: Yeah, yeah. Hey, you were right. Worst movie-going experience ever. Of course, it had nothing to do with the movie.
Stella: I am so sorry that you thought that was a date.
Ted: No, it's fine. I got to hang out with you on girls' night out. All right, so if you're not allowed to date a patient, I'll just... I'll wait until these ten session are up and then I'll ask you out then.
Stella: Well, then,fair warning: I'm going to say no.
Ted: Really? I'm getting mixed signals from you. I feel like you've been staring at my ass for quite some time. What, you're married?
Stella: No.
Ted: Boyfriend?
Stella: No.
Ted: Lesbian?
Stella: No.
Ted: Only date black guys?
Stella: No.
Ted: And yet you can say with absolute confidence that ten weeks from now, if I ask you out on a date, your answer will be...
Stella: No.
At the Bar
Robin: No... Hmm. What could she mean when she says 'no'? I don't know, it is totally cryptic.
Ted: This is far from over. We're talking ten weeks from now. Who knows what she'll want then? Do you know what you're going to want for lunch ten weeks from now?
Marshall: Sloppy Joe, shrimp cocktail and a milk shake.
Barney: Ted, do you know how long it takes a woman to decide whether or not she's going to sleep with a guy? 8.3 seconds. After that, her decision is made. She will not change her mind.
Ted: That's ridiculous.
Barney: Is it? Describe your first 8.3 seconds with Stella.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted is waiting for his appointment.
Stella: Lower back butterfly tattoo... you're up.
(Ted and a woman stand up at the same time)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: So we got off to a rocky start. That may be a problem for some guys, but I get better over time. Right? I'm not some Top 40 song... easily digestible. I'm complex. I require time and multiple listens. I'm 'Stairway to Heaven'.
Robin: Wow, Roger Daltrey just rolled over in his grave. That's not the right guy, is it? He's not even d*ad, is he?
Lily: I think that's great, Ted. You can do whatever you set your mind to. In fact, you've inspired me. I'm going to stop biting my nails.
Marshall: But, baby, you love biting your nails.
Lily: I know, but I'm doing this for Ted. Hmm. God, this is really hard.
Ted: Give me ten sessions, I'm going to turn that "no" into a "yes."
Barney: Really, Ted? You think so? Well, tell me, how did the rest of that session go?
[FLASHBACK]
(Ted is lying on a table)
Stella: This is going to hurt a little.
Ted: Yeah, well, I can handle pain. This one time I was playing tennis, and... (He screams in a high-pitched ton)
Stella: Yeah, but tattoo removal really hurts. Everyone probably sounds like that.
(Abby, the receptionist, enters the room)
Abby: Doctor, are you all right? I heard a woman screaming in here. Oh. (she starts laughing and leave)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Here's to nine more great sessions.
Ted from 2030: Weeks went by. The second session I told her about how I spent a summer working with inner-city kids. The third session we both spoke nothing but French. The fourth session I made her laugh so hard she fell out of her chair. So by the time the fifth session came around...
Stella: Still no.
At the Bar
Ted: Still no. What's up with that? I mean, I juggled.
Barney: You juggled? I thought you were trying to impress her.
Ted: You do magic. How is juggling any lamer than magic?
Barney: Magic's not lame.
Ted: I don't get it. I mean...
Barney: Is this lame?
Robin: Oh, Barney, no, no. We said no fireballs at the table.
Marshall: What the hell is wrong with you?
Robin: There's alcohol in here.
Lily: Barney...
Barney: I...
Lily: We've talked about this. It's a f*re code violation.
Barney: Yeah, but Ted provoked me.
Lily: No, no, you are on a time-out. Go sit over there.
Barney: But...
Lily: Go!
Ted: Anyway... I don't get it. She should be into me by now.
Lily: You know, you can do this, Ted. I said that I would stop biting my nails, and kablam-ey. It's just a challenge. It can't be easy to woo someone while you're sticking your naked butt in their face.
Marshall: Works for baboons. It's called "presenting."
Ted: I got four sessions left. Ther-There's got to be an angle I'm not seeing.
Barney: You can't turn a "no" into a "yes," Ted. Can't be done.
Robin: I don't know, Barney. I mean, sometimes persistence pays off. I said "yes" eventually.
Barney: No, you didn't. You were like, "No, we can't, we're friends. It would mess up the dynamic of the group."
Robin: To Ted.
Barney: Oh, right.
Ted: Wait a second. Wait a second, I got the angle.
[FLASHBACK]
(Ted comes out of Stella's office. Abby, the receptionist, is on the phone; she looks upset.)
Abby: Sir, please don't yell at me, because when people yell at me, I have a tendency to start crying. Please don't do it.
Stella: Abby, I've told you before.
Abby:...Please...
Stella: When they're rude to you, hang up the phone.
Abby:...how difficult it is for me to...
Stella: Go on, you can do this, hang up. Abby, hang it up.
Abby: I am too busy to waste my time... (Abby finally hangs up)
Stella: I'm sorry, I just wish that some of the patients would be nicer to you.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: The receptionist. That's my way in.
Barney: I like this. Seduce the receptionist. That's a great plan.
Ted: That's not the plan. And how would that help me with Stella?
Barney: Who?
Ted: Here's the plan.
-SESSION 6-
(Ted arrives at the center and gives a paper bag to Abby, the receptionist.
Ted: Hi. Here. I stopped... (He takes the bag back and wait for stella to be able to see him to give it back to Abby) Hi, I stopped for coffee and I... and I thought I'd grab you something.
Abby: Oh, wow, thank you, that's so nice. You're like a knight. I should call you Sir Ted.
Ted: What?
Abby: Nothing. Nothing. (laughs nervously) It's really stupid. (She calls Stella, who is standing right behind her) Um, Dr. Zinman, Ted's here.
Stella: Thanks. Thanks, Abby.
At the Bar
Ted: And now... we wait.
Ted from 2030: And sure enough, by session seven, she saw me in a whole new light.
-SESSION 7-
Stella: Okay, I'm about to break my big rule here.
Ted: Break it.
Stella: Okay. Abby goes bowling with her church group every Wednesday nights...and she really wanted to invite you, but she's too shy.
Ted: Abby is...?
Stella: My receptionist. You really made quite an impression on her with the coffee the other day. I mean, she has really not stopped talking about you.
Ted: Oh, Abby. I thought you said "Alan."
Stella: But you just said, "Abby is...?"
Ted: Right. Right, I thought I said "Alan."
Stella: Who's Alan?
Ted: Who's Abby?
Stella: My receptionist.
Ted: Exactly.
At the Bar
Ted: What is happening?
Lily: Ted. You just got to be yourself, no more gimmicks.
Ted: You're right, no more gimmicks. One more gimmick.
[FLASHBACK]
(Ted is examining Stella's office.)
Ted: You know what's on her shelf? That self-help book 'The Power of Me'.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: I know, I know, but I thought if I read it, maybe we'd have something new to talk about.
Marshall: It's actually a great book. It taught me the power of complete memory.
Ted: Can I borrow your copy?
Marshall: I left it somewhere... I forget.
-SESSION 8-
(Ted arrives at the center, holding the book)
Ted: Hi. Ted Mosby for Dr. Zinman.
Abby: Hi, Ted. I'll let her know.
Ted: Telepathically?
Abby, laughing: That's funny. That's funny, smart, and great.
Stella: I am so sorry that I am late. I have, like, two minutes for lunch everyday.
Ted: It's crazy. Yeah, I understand. I was just, uh, checking out the old bookshelf here. I see you've read 'The Power of Me'. It's funny...
Stella: What? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, I would never read that piece of crap. Some patient left it here.
Ted: Oh, thank God. (chuckling) I couldn't agree more. That's total crap. I see people reading that on the subway and I just want to shout, "Get a life, people!"
(Abby enters the office)
Abby: Ted, I found your book.
Ted: What?
Abby: Your book 'The Power of Me'. I think you accidentally dropped it in the garbage.
Ted: What? No, that's... that's not mine. I've never seen that before in my life.
Abby: No, you were reading it in the lobby.
Ted: Wha... no, you have me confused with someone else.
Abby: No, no, look right here. "From the personal library of Ted Mosby." That's you.
At the Bar
Robin: Ted, I hate to say this, but I think it's "nail the receptionist" time.
Ted: I'm not gonna nail the receptionist.
Barney: Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.
Ted: No. I like Stella.
Barney: Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, Ted. Your little Stella is not so perfect.
Ted: What do you mean?
Barney: I went down there and checked her out for myself. Yeah. And while I was down there, I discovered that she had a secret, a terrible... terrible secret.
Ted: What? What is it?
Barney: Hold on, I gotta pee. (He stands up et goes to the toilets) Okay, I'm back. What's going on at work?
Ted: What's the big secret?!
Barney: Oh. Oh, right.
[FLASHBACK]
(Barney is at the Bar and gives a phone call)
Barney: Hi, I'd like to see Dr. Zinman, please.
Abby: Sure, what's it regarding?
Barney: Oh, I just want to see her. Want to look at her, see what she looks like.
Abby: I-I don't understand.
Barney: I'm sorry, did I accidentally oprima numero dos when I called? Do you speak English? I want to see her!
Abby: Sir, please don't yell at me because when people yell at me, I have a tendency to start crying.
Barney: What are your credentials?!
Abby: Please don't do that. Please.
Barney: I want to know who am I speaking with!
(Stella and Ted are coming out of Stella's office)
Barney: At first she seemed great, beautiful, smart, way out of your league. But then, I overheard this conversation.
Stella: Oh, Abby, did my hypnotherapist call yet?
Abby: No.
Stella: When am I going to kick this folliculaphilia?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Folliculaphilia?
Barney: Folliculaphilia.
Ted: What is that?
Barney: Ted, your perfect woman can only be attracted to men with moustaches.
Ted: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. That's not real.
Barney: You're right, Ted. I'm just making that up.
Ted: I know that you are because there's no such thing.
Robin: I got it a little bit.
-SESSION 9-
(Ted arrives at the center, he is now growing a moustache)
Ted: Hi. Uh, Ted Mosby for Dr. Zinman.
Abby: Oh, hi, Ted. Love the 'stache. You look like a young Tom Selleck, only a million times handsomer. Dr. Zinman, Magnum's here to see you. Just kidding. Stupid.
Stella: Sorry I'm late. Typical two-minute lunch. So we are very close to getting...
(Stella burst into laughs when she sees Ted's moustache)
At the Bar
Ted: Why? Just why?
Barney: Y-you don't remember?
[FLASHBACK]
(One year earlier...)
Barney: I'll bet anyone ten bucks I can get Ted to grow a moustache.
Ted: Uh... okay.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: You sabotaged my next to last chance with Stella for ten dollars?
Barney: I know. I would've done it for free. But, no. You owe me ten bucks.
Ted: This is awful. My-my tenth session is next week. I'm gonna ask her out, and she's gonna say the most demoralizing syllable in the English language... no. You know what? Just forget it. I'm not even gonna ask her.
Lily: No, you have to. She likes you. She said so herself. (clearing throat) I mean...
Ted: Oh, my God, you went and saw her, too.
Lily: I swear to you, I did not.
[FLASHBACK]
(Marshall is in Stella's office)
Marshall: My wife's always getting on me about my dry elbows. So good to be in a relationship. Anyone special in your life? Or maybe just someone you're interested in? Interes-ted in?
Stella: You know, we should really get this mole checked out. It's just a little irregular.
Marshall: Irregular? Oh, my God. This is it. It's all over.
Stella: One of my patients has this little butterfly tattoo at the bottom of his back.
Marshall: Can you stop talking about your other patients?! I'm dying here, woman!
Stella: There you go. Look, even if it is something, it's easily treatable, so try to relax.
Marshall: Okay. Hey, what was it you were saying before about the guy with the butterfly tattoo?
Stella: Oh, that... that's nothing. It's just a little crush. So I will be calling you with your results.
Marshall: Oh. Okay. Thank you.
Stella: Oh, sir, your book!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: No.
Marshall: Yes.
Ted: She said "crush"? And she was talking about me?
-SESSION 10-
Ted from 2030: That last session was the least painful of all. I savored every searing blast of that laser.
Stella: All done.
Ted from 2030: The moment I'd waited ten weeks for had arrived.
Ted: Stella...now that I'm no longer your patient, would you like to have dinner with me?
Stella: Ted, you're a really nice guy...
Ted: Oh, no.
Stella: It has been so great getting to know you.
Ted: I am gonna k*ll Marshall.
Stella: I've had so much fun these last ten weeks.
Ted: Oh, my God, this is worse than the laser.
Stella: I have a daughter.
Ted: What?
Stella: Her name's Lucy. She's eight. Work and being with her, that's pretty much my life. My social calendar is movie night with the girls once a month when I can get a sitter. I mean, I've been to one party in the past year... St. Paddy's Day... it was awful, I left early. But, really, my only free time is the two minutes I get for lunch, so... this is why I don't date. Ted, I only have time for one most important person in my life, and that's Lucy. Anyway, it's been fun. Next time, think before you ink. But if you ever do wake up with, like, a dolphin tattoo on your ankle, just give me a call.
At the Bar
Ted: There it is... she's a mom. It's just not gonna happen.
Marshall: Sorry, dude. Have a shrimp.
Ted: I'm good. I guess I got no one but myself to blame. She told me right from the start she was gonna say no and sure enough... Wait a minute.
At the tattoo removal center
(Ted is waiting for Stella)
Ted: You didn't actually say no.
Stella: What do you mean?
Ted: All this time you were, uh, you were supposed to say no, but you didn't... I checked the transcript. So, here's what I'm proposing. Uh... You only have two minutes, right?
Stella: Right.
Ted: Okay. You want to, uh... go on a a two-minute date with me?
Stella: Last two-minute date I had gave me a daughter. Um... Okay.
Ted: Great. And... go. Taxi!
Ranjit: Hello!
Stella: Ted, I seriously only have two minutes...
Ted: I know.
Stella: That's like 120 seconds.
Ted: 380 West 22nd, please. And step on it. We're in a hurry.
Stella: 380 West 22nd? That's...
(They step off the taxi)
Ted: Right this way.
Stella, laughing: Thank you, sir. You know, I have always wanted to try this place.
Waitress: House salad.
Ted: So, college?
Stella: Stanford.
Ted: Uh-huh. Wesleyan.
Stella: Oh, good. Do you know Adam Lazar?
Ted: No. Scott Crable?
Waitress: Eggplant parmesean.
Ted: Thanks.
Stella: Oh, already cut up. Nice.
Ted: Could we get the check please. We're trying to make a movie in 15 seconds.
Waitress: Of course.
Ted: Okay, great. Uh, how do you want to do this? You had the eggplant parm. I only really had water so... I'm kidding. Oh. Okay. Let's go. Taxi! You nervous?
Stella: A little bit.
Ted: You can't tell at all.
Stella: Oh, good. Yeah.
Ranjit: Hello!
Ted: 384 West 22nd.
Stella: 15 seconds. The movie's started.
Ted: Nah, previews. We'll be fine. Ah! Just in time. It hasn't started yet.
Stella: So, what are we seeing?
Ted: Manos: Hands of Fate.
Stella: The whole thing?
Ted: Only the important parts. Worst movie ever.
Stella: Yeah, I almost walked out, like, five times.
Ted: How we doing on time? Taxi!
Stella: We got a little time.
Ted: Okay. Do you want to walk it?
Stella: Why not?
Ranjit: Hello! Good-bye!
Ted: So what grade's your daughter in?
Stella: Third grade.
Ted: Ah! That's a good year.
Stella: Yeah, she's wonderful. I just wish that I could get her to quit smoking, you know?
Ted: What?
Stella: I'm kidding.
Ted: Oh. Look, coffee and dessert?
Stella: You know, this neighborhood just keeps on changing. This used to be a cute, little Italian restaurant.
Ted: I know. New York. It's a living organism, an ever-changing tapestry. Ooh, look at the time. Let's go.
Stella: Mmm, the cheesecake's amazing.
Ted: Flowers?
Stella: I'm allergic.
Ted: Okay. See? We're getting to know each other. Stella, I had a lovely... Doggy bag? Stella, I had a lovely time.
Stella: Me, too, Ted.
Ted: And... date.
Stella: Huh?
Ted: That wasn't so bad, right? No lengthy, awkward silences. Dessert ran a little long, so... I had to cut the good-night kiss.
Stella: I think I can be late just once. (They kiss) Ted...
Ted: Look, I would love to have a second date, I would. But I understand that you really don't have time right now, but if you ever do, will you give me a call?
Stella: Yes.
Ted: Okay.
Ted from 2030: And that, kids, is how you turn a "no" into a "yes."
Abby: All my friends told me, "Abby, be strong. He doesn't deserve another chance." But I forgive you! (She runs after Ted)
Ted: No, no, no, no!
At the center
Abby:...then he just kept toying with my emotions.
Barney: Wow. This Ted guy sounds like a real jerk. You know your problem? You're too sweet.
Abby: Aren't you going to see the doctor about that mole?
Barney: Oh, yeah. Turns out it's just a Raisinet. Hey, how would you like me to take you out to a fancy restaurant and then go on a shopping spree? Treat you the way you should be treated. Would that make you forget about that Ted monster?
Abby: My mom was wrong. There are nice guys in New York.
Barney: We just have to go by my hotel room first. My bed was broken. I just have to make sure they fixed it.
Abby: Well, then if it's fixed, can we can have sex on it and then go shopping.
Barney: I like you.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x13 - Ten Sessions"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids,back when we were younger, your Uncle Marshall and I were really into college basketball. Every year,March Madness would take over the entire apartment.
At Ted's apartment
(Lily and Robin arrive)
Robin: Hey.What's with the blackboard?
Ted: It's our NCAA bracket.
Marshall: Big board equals big luck!
Lily: Hey, that looks familiar, where did you get it?
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall comes into Lily's classroom with flowers. There's no one inside except for the cleaner.
Marshall: Hello. Uh, I'm looking for my wife, Ms.Aldrin.
Cleaner: There's no school today. It's Saturday.
Marshall: Of course. How could I forget?
Cleaner: Dumb ass.
(The cleaner leaves the classroom. Ted comes in. He and Marshall take the blackboard out.)
Ted: Big board!
Marshall: Big luck!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: We found it. No big deal. Anyway, every year, Ted and I go in together on this big money pool out in Staten Island.
Ted: Yeah. The winner gets $100,000 stuffed in a duffel bag.
Marshall: And you get to keep the duffel bag.
Lily: Why do you guys put yourselves through this? You lose every year.
Ted: That's because in the past, we were just guessing. This year, we watched every game, read box scores, tracked injuries. This isn't March Madness. This is March Meticulously Thought-outness.
Barney: Your team lost 20 minutes ago.
Ted: I didn't know they were playing today.
Lily: You okay, Barney?
Barney: Something strange is going on. I was down at the hardware store trying to get a little somethin' somethin'.
Robin: Wait. You go to the hardware store to pick up girls?
Barney: There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.
Robin: Of course there are.
Barney: Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.
Lily: You could not be more evil.
Barney: Sorry. Five. Recently widowed. So, I'm talking to this girl...
[FLASHBACK]
(Barney is at the hardware store, et is talking to a crying woman.)
Barney: Look, I'm sure he's in a better place. Now let's find you a sturdier ladder.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: I was only gone for a second when...
[FLASHBACK]
(Barney comes back with a sturdier ladder)
Barney: See? Skid-proof.
(The woman slaps him)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: The same thing happened at the pet store yesterday.
Marshall: Pet store?
Ted: Single girl, mid-twenties, looking for a canine replacement for the boyfriend who just dumped her. Instead, finds Barney.
Barney: God bless you, Ted. You're reading my blog.
Ted: I'm really bored at work.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: I'd call your ex a dog, but that would be an insult to little Ladybug here.
Woman: Oh, I want to take her home right now.
Barney: Not without a chew toy from Uncle Barney first. And when I got back... I'm sorry,I'm already spoiling her but diamond in the rough... Could your heart just melt?
Woman, slapping him: Jerk!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Weird, right? Yeah. The same thing happened last week at the museum.
Lily: Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Barney: Lily.
Lily: You pretend to be a struggling young artist who needs a new muse.
Barney: No. Marshall.
Marshall: You're a millionaire art thief casing the joint for a thrill money can no longer give you!
Barney: Oh. No. Robin.
Robin: You're going blind, and you're trying to soak up all the beauty in the world before the darkness descends.
Barney: Bingo! So, I was talking to this girl...
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: At this point, about 83%. Soon, these audio guides will be all that I have left.
Woman: I'm so sorry.
(Barney touches her face)
Barney: My God, you are beautiful. How about I get you a headset so you can see with your ears like I do? I couldn't have been gone more than 20 seconds, but when I came back... Hmm.You know, I also love the smell of great art.
(The woman slaps him and leaves)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Why does this keep happening?
Lily: Maybe you're not as good a liar as you think you are.
Barney: Oh, really? Then why am I not in prison for perjury? But I don't want to talk about work. Something weird is going on here.
Ted from 2030: But the next night got even weirder.
At the Bar
Barney: Alan Alda. It was Alan Alda.
Lily: You never gonna believe what just happened.
[FLASHBACK]
(2 minutes earlier...)
Barney: Who was that, um, guy from Mash? The main guy. What...? Hawkeye from Mash. How can I be blanking on this?
Lily: Alan Alda?
Barney: No.
(Barney stands up and goes away; a woman approaches Lily.)
Mystery woman: Hey, a word of advice? That guy you were talking to, Barney Stinson... I know he seems charming, but he's just saying whatever it takes to get in your pants. Sleeping with Barney was the biggest mistake of my life.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Oh, my God. Where is she?
Lily: She must have left. She...
Barney: Well, she-she said I hooked up with her? What was her name? What did she look like?
Lily: She didn't say her name, but she had blonde hair, boobs. Kind of trashy.
Barney: d*ad in the eyes with an aura of self-loathing and despair?
Lily: Yes!
Barney: That's all of them. Okay. Stay calm. Let's think this through. One of the girls who I lied to, seduced and abandoned is trying to ruin my life. Shouldn't be too hard to figure out which one it is. Oh, dear God!
[OPENING CREDITS]
Barney: Some woman that I slept with and screwed over is trying to ruin my life. God, why is this happening to me?
Lily: It's karma.
Barney: Nah, it's not Karma. She's stripping in Vegas. Plus, we're good.
Ted: Look, if you want to figure out who it is, why don't you just start by checking your list?
Barney: My list? Dude, do not pretend you're not the kind of guy who keeps a list of all the girls he's slept with.
Marshall: I have one. It's called my marriage license.
Ted: Come on, let's see the list.
Barney: Ted, don't be crass. I would never demean the women that I've slept with by putting their names on some tawdry list.
At Barney's
Barney: This is a scrapbook of all of the women I've slept with. I made it at the Scrapbook Barn on 7th. Ask for Heloise. Tell her I sent you. What do you think, Lil? You recognize the saboteur?
Lily: I don't know, Barney. I only saw her face.
Ted: How many of these girls know they're being photographed?
Barney: All of them, but only about half buy a copy on the way out.
Lily: Oh, Barney, you're never gonna figure out which one of these is the mystery woman. All of these women have a right to hate you.
Robin: Oh, Lily, come on, lighten up. I mean, any girl who's gonna be with a guy like Barney and do this or that, or this and that, or do this with those in that... I mean, she should have known what she was getting into.
Barney: Absolutely. And what I do with these women should be between me and them. And you guys. And Heloise. She helped me do the decoupage.
Lily: I don't know, Barney. I don't recognize any of these women. I mean, some minor celebrities, one government official, and what appears to be a national fast food chain mascot.
Barney: This is impossible. There's too many girls. How the hell am I gonna narrow this down?
At Ted's
Barney: The top 64 women I've slept with, split into four regions. This tournament will systematically narrow down which girl has the most cause to hate my guts. Last girl standing has to be the saboteur.
Lily: Absolutely not, Barney. We are not going to make a game out of the women you've tricked into sleeping with you. No way!
(Barney takes out the beer, and the tournament begins)
Lily: The girl who thought he had 12 hours to live has way more cause to ruin his life than the girl he faked proposed to.
Robin: It's fake proposal girl. I mean, she hired a wedding planner!
Ted: It's 12 hours to live! That girl flew them both to Paris!
Robin: Oh, she only bought him a one-way ticket!
Barney: Okay, okay, everybody! Hands.
Marshal, Lily and Ted: 12 hours to live!
Robin: Damn it!
Barney: Okay, toss up. "Thought I was Jorge Posada," or "You have my d*ad wife's kidney?"
Ted: Kidney!
Robin: Jorge Posada!
Lily: She bought Yankees season tickets to watch him play!
Barney: That's true...
Marshall: It's "d*ad wife's kidney." How are we even discussing this?
Lily: Fake baby!
Marshall: Lost at sea!
Ted: Fake baby!
Marshall: Lost at sea!
Ted: I was there. Trust me. It's fake baby.
Barney: Down to the sweet 16. And coming out of the Upper West Side, we have the number three seed, "Girl who thought I owned Google," up against the number seven seed, "Girl who thought I was a scuba instructor."
Ted: You got to go scuba instructor.
Robin: You're kidding me!
Ted: She got the bends!
Barney: Yeah, she did.
Marshall: Evil twin!
Ted: Prince of Norway! How could it not be Prince of Norway?!
Robin: Barney, you're the tiebreaker.
Barney: I'm going with Evil Twin.
Ted: You're kidding me!
Barney: Sorry, but I did sleep with that girl twice. As Barney and Larney. Okay, we're down to the Final Four. What do you think, people? Come on, dig deep.
Robin: Oh! I can't decide. It could be any one of them.
Lily: Is that the blackboard from my classroom?
Barney: Come on! Marshall?
Marshall: I'm tired and sad.
Barney: Mosby?
Ted: I want to call my mom, just tell her I love her.
Barney: Okay. Then this is as far as we get. The Final Four. It's got to be Meg, Anna, Kate or Holly. We are gonna track these girls down, and you're going to tell me which one approached you at the bar.
Lily: You guys stole my blackboard!
In the street
Barney: Okay, there's her building. When she comes out, I'm gonna hide, and once you figure out if she's the girl from the bar, we run like hell.
Lily: No.
Barney: What do you mean "no"?
Lily: That woman, like every woman in your Final Four, deserves an apology, and I'm not telling you if she's the one until hear you say, "I'm sorry."
Barney: Are you nuts? That would involve me speaking to a woman I've already had sex with, which, frankly, is a little t like changing the oil in a rental car.
Lily: Barney, you're doing this.
Barney: Lily, this girl hates me. I hooked up with her in an apartment I was pretending was my own, told her I loved her, and then ditched her there. She got arrested for trespassing, bit a cop, and spent eight days in jail. Oh, crap, there she is! If she sees me, she's gonna k*ll me!
Lily: Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Hey, Meg! Over here! Look who it is! Yo old friend Meg: Barney! Barney?
Barney: If she kills me, I want you to go into my apartment, grab the metal briefcase under my bed and throw it in the East River.
Meg: What are you doing here?
Barney: Look, Meg, we need to talk.
Meg: It was all my fault. I know it was, baby. I just came on too strong.
Barney: And I forgive you. I love you.
Meg: Oh, my God! I love you, too!
(They kiss)
Lily: No! What's the matter with you? Get off of him! Look, she's not the one, but you still owe her an apol...
(Barney leaves without a word)
Inside a restaurant
Barney: So you remember who this one is, right?
Lily: Yes. You told her you were Ted and that you were an architect.
Barney: Right, and if you recall, her computer had a web cam and a T-1 line, so I...
Lily: Yeah, I know, Barney, you showed me. And that still doesn't count as a Christmas present. So go over there and apologize.
Barney: Ah, there she is.
Lily: Ooh and she's holding hot coffee. Maybe she'll throw it in your face.
Barney: You're really enjoying this, aren't you?
Lily: I'm making a scrapbook.
(She takes a picture of him, as he is approaching Anna)
Barney: Anna, hi.
Anna: Look who it is, Mr. Big sh*t Architect. If you're here to ask me to take down the Web site, forget it.
Barney: What Web site?
Anna: Ted-Mosby-Is-A-Jerk-dot-com.
Barney: You're right, I do deserve that. That's all I came here to say. You know what? I don't care who knows about it. Excuse me. Excuse me. I, Ted Mosby, am a jerk to women. Tell your sisters. Tell your daughters to stay away! Ted-Mosby-Is-A-Jerk-dot-com.
Ted from 2030: And that little Web site went on to get 400,000 hits. Thanks, Barney!
Lily and Barney are now knocking on Kate's door
Lily: Okay, which one is this again?
Barney: She's...
(Kate opens the door and throws herself onto Barney to strangle him)
Kate: Larney! Die!
Barney: Is it her?
Kate: Die!
Lily: Smile.
Barney: You look good. Have you lost weight?
They finally arrives at Holly's
Barney: We're down to the number one seed. I knew it was Holly. It had to be Holly. Man, I was hoping it wasn't Holly.
[FLASHBACK]
Holly: Barney, did you hear that? Somebody's stealing my truck. Barney? Barney!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: That is the worst thing you've ever done. That's the worst thing anyone has ever done.
Barney: But in my defense, she was kind of annoying.
Lily: She's gonna k*ll you.
(Holly opens the door)
Holly: Barney.
Barney: Holly.
Holly: Mark, come over here. Barney, this is my fiancé. Mark.
Mark: Barney? You're the Barney who ditched her in the woods?
Lily: So you're not mad at Barney? Don't you want an apology? An admission of guilt? Your truck back?
Holly: No, whatever happened was in the past. Mark is my present and my future.
Mark: And if you ditching Holly in the woods made her stop running around with guys like you, then cheers.
Barney: Well then, to the last Fourth of July weekend I'll spend getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.
Mark: Fourth of July? We started dating in June.
Back at the apartment
Lily: We ruined their lives. And the worst part of it is that you didn't apologize to any of those women.
Barney: No, the worst part is that we still have no idea who my stalker is.
Robin: Well, that's because you're going about this all wrong. I mean, why chase someone who's following you? All you need to do is go down to the bar, h*t on someone, and wait until she turns up.
Barney: That's not a bad idea.
Robin: I'll pretend to be the girl that you're hitting on.
Ted: I don't know. That's a lot riding on a girl who giggles when she lies.
Robin: I do not.
Ted: Have you ever fallen asleep while eating ribs?
Robin: No. Look, I can do this, okay? I mean, how else are you going to find out who this girl is.
Barney: I'm in.
Robin: Okay, here's how it's gonna work. Now, Lily...
(Robin starts imagining how it will go)
Robin:...she knows what you look like, so just hang out at the jukebox, and don't draw any attention to yourself. And the guys will be in the booth, just pretending to have a normal conversation.
Barney: Talking, we should be talking. Words. Here are words. Why is this so hard? Laughter!
Robin: And then I'll come in, looking hot as all hell.
Man: Wow, you are gorgeous. Oh, God, I know that's awful.
Robin: I just, uh.... Shh, go away. But come back later. And then Barney will make his move.
Barney: Hey, there, how are you doing?
Robin: Fine, Barney. I mean, um, fine, stranger.
Barney: Wow, you really are awful at this, aren't you?
Robin: Get your hand off my thigh, Barney.
Barney: It's supposed to look like we're about to hook up, Robin.
Robin: You know I'm curious. What do you say to these girls to get them to come home with you?
Barney: Usually I just lean in and whisper this one thing in their ear. You're a little turned on right now, aren't you?
Robin: No. Oh. Look, somebody's watching us. Make your move to the bathroom.
Barney: Uh, I'm going to go to the bathroom now, but, uh, when I come back we'll go to my place and have sex.
(Barney goes to the bathroom)
Ted: Dude, dude, dude, look. Blonde girl heading over to Robin right now. We are go.
Marshall: I don't know what to do with my hands. What do I normally do with my hands? (Barney joins them at the booth) Barney. I brought a copy of the bracket. Which one is she?
Barney: I don't recognize her. She's not on the Top 64.
Marshall: Not even on bracket. Cinderella story comes out of nowhere to win the whole thing. That'll warm your heart.
Ted: Are you okay?
Barney: I don't even recognize her. I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all the horrible things that I have done to them. And I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point, I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I'm the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all of the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.
Lily: Oh, Barney! Oh, I'm so proud of you. That's not her. I'm so sorry.
Barney: What? What?
Robin: Barney, I'm sorry, that's my friend Sally from work. We just ran into each other.
Barney: So I apologized for nothing?
Lily: Yes, but it was a great apology. And a perfect way to end my scrapbook. I'm going to call this photo "Barney's Redemption." Could you stop giving me the finger?
Ted from 2030: Eventually, Barney did figure out who the mysterious girl was. But we on that later.
At Barney's
(Barney is writing on his blog)
Woman: Barney, come back to bed. You have a shuttle launch tomorrow. And that asteroid that's headed for Manhattan, It's not gonna destroy itself.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x14 - The Bracket"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids,the spring of 2008 was a pretty great time for me. Stella and I had started dating, and I'd just gotten a big raise at work. So I decided to purchase something I knew would be the envy of all my friends.
Outside
Ted: A new car!
Barney: Ted, this is new york city... You're never gonna drive it. This is a really, really stupid purchase, and I'm sorry, but none of us can support it. g*n for eternity!
Robin: You can't call g*n for eternity.
Barney: I just called it.
Robin: You can't just call things, barney.
Barney: I call that I can call things!
Lily: Hey, baby.
Marshall: Beer.
Lily: Are you okay?
Marshall: Beer.
At the Bar
Ted: Okay, what happened?
Marshall: They always told me that working at a big law firm was like being at w*r...
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall is at work, at Nicholson, Hewitt and West
Marshall:...You get out of law school, it's like getting out of boot camp. That first day at work, you're storming the beaches, full of piss and vinegar...
Man: Dude, we're lawyers now.
Marshall: Totally.
Man: We've got briefcases and everything.
Marshall: Freakin' briefcases.
Man: You have anything in yours?
Marshall: Totally empty. you?
Man: Candy bars.
Marshall: Then you get in the trenches side by side with your buddies. And you feel a sense of camaraderie. But before too long...
A man enters his office.
Arthur: Hey, Marshall....
Marshall:...the shells start to fall. Hello, Arthur.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Arthur Hobbes is one of the senior partners at my firm, and he's... he's my boss. He seems like a nice guy, but he's got a nickname... a*tillery arthur.
[FLASHBACK]
Arthur: How's your morning going?
Marshall: It's going fine. How is yours?
Arthur: Not too bad, not too bad. Hey, is Ferguson in yet?
Marshall: He is, he's in... just in his office next door.
Arthur: That's great... have a good one, buddy.
Marshall: You, too. (Arthur leaves Marshall's office) You never know who's gonna get h*t...
(Marshall hears Arthur screaming in the next office, Ferguson's.)
Arthur: Hey, Ferguson! I read your report, and it's complete crap! No, you know what? That's an insult to crap. If crap could eat and then crap stuff out, it's that! Your report is the crap that crap craps! If you last two more days here, I'll be shocked! Shocked!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: It was brutal, But the worst was a few minutes later.
[FLASHBACK]
(Ferguson is at the door of Marshall's office)
Ferguson: Did you hear that?
Marshall: Yeah, sorry.
Ferguson: Can you believe he did that On "Take-your-daughter-to-work" day?
(A little girls comes out of his father's shadow)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: So that brings us to today. A little background. So I'm working on this report called "Using 23-b-3 spurious class action precedent to contest a class certification order based on a lack of commonality, numerosity..."
Ted: Dude, you lost us. Can't you just call it something cool like "the ninja report"?
Marshall: Okay. yeah, fine, whatever. Um, so I'm supposed to turn in "the ninja report" yesterday. But I got insanely busy with other stuff, I didn't get a chance to finish it, and then this morning...
[FLASHBACK]
(Marshall is in his office, on the phone. Marshall hears Arthur talking to Ferguson nearby)
Arthur: Hey, Ferguson.
Ferguson: Hey, Arthur.
Arthur: How's your day going?
Marshall: I gotta go.
Ferguson: Great. how is yours?
Arthur: Great, great... Hey, is Marshall in yet?
Ferguson: Oh, thank god. Yeah, he's right in there.
Arthur: Fantastic. have a good one, buddy.
(Arthur comes in Marshall's office without annoucing himself)
Marshall: And then...
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: He screamed at me.
Lily: Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
Barney: What, that's it? You're upset because a guy talked loudly near you?
Marshall: Barney, I have never been screamed at like that in my life.
Ted: Come on, when's the last time you got screamed at at work?
Barney: I got screamed at three times today. Once in Korean. This is corporate America, Marshall. Screaming is a motivational tool, like christmas bonuses or sexual harassment. It's just good business.
Lily: Oh, baby, it's just not fair. You've been working so hard. Late nights, weekends. I never see you. We've barely made love in weeks. It's bad, guys, mama needs her sugar.
Robin: Look, Marshall, he screamed at you, you took it. He probably respects you more for it.
Marshall: Yeah, about that... So Arthur's busy giving me the full screaming treatment... Face turning red, vein in his forehead about to burst, spittle flying like shrapnel. Everyone you work with walking by your office, peering in. And suddenly, I just felt all of it.
Ted: All of what?
Marshall: All of it. The fact that I became a lawyer to save the environment, and now I'm working for the bad guys instead. The fact that I am stuck in this job because of a mortgage I can barely afford on an apartment that is crooked. The fact that I am a grown man, and nobody, not even a*tillery Arthur, has the right to talk to me like that!
[FLASHBACK]
(Arthur is still screaming at Marshall)
Marshall: I begged my body not to do it. But it was no use. I just... I just...
(Marshall starts crying)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Just because you weren't around for this, I called g*n for all eternity in Ted's car.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Barney: Dude I can't believe you cried in front of your boss.
Marshall: I don't know what happened. There's just something about being yelled at like that, like I was being scolded by my dad. Suddenly... suddenly I was a little boy.
Robin: Is "boy" the right word?
Marshall: I felt absolutely powerless. Flaccid... Hell, I... I felt castrated.
Lily: God, you're hot right now.
Marshall: And the worst thing is, tomorrow morning I have to walk into Arthur's office and give him the ninja report.
Barney: Ooh. ooh. ninjas are cool.
Marshall: How the hell am I supposed to face this guy again?
Robin: Here's what I would do if I were you.
[ROBIN'S SCENARIO]
Robin: Hi, Arthur.
Arthur: Hello, Marshall. Have you finally finished the ninja report?
Robin: Yeah, I got it. Right here. I think it's gonna blow you away.
Arthur: Please, I have a family.
Robin: So we good?
Arthur: We're so good.
Robin: Then why are you still in my office?
[END OF ROBIN'S SCENARIO]
Ted: Okay, g*n v*olence might be the answer to everything up in Canada, Robin, but here in America, we solve our problems with words. Marshall, you go in and you dazzle this guy with a big eloquent speech defending human dignity. Like abraham Lincoln.
Marshall: Yeah, because it's so easy just to bust out a big, eloquent speech off the top of your head.
Ted: Observe.
[TED'S SCENARIO]
Ted: Arthur?
Arthur: What do you want, Marshall?
Ted: Justice, sir. You see, we are all born with certain incontrovertible rights, the most fundamentally paramount of which is the right... Wait, you can't be fundamentally paramount. One means highest, one means lowest.
Arthur: You are nailing this.
Ted: Human beings have rights, and those rights are, um...
Arthur: You got me hooked, reel me in.
Ted: There are certain justices that cannot or will not be inalienable... as such... for the future.
Arthur: Stuck the landing... bravo! Thank you. Security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out.
[END OF TED'S SCENARIO]
Marshall: Guys, guys, this is not helping, okay? I can't have some big confrontation with Arthur. I need this job, i... I need the money.
Ted: Yeah, but how good would it feel to walk in there tomorrow, tell him off and then quit?
Marshall: It's great to fantasize about, but nobody ever actually does it.
Barney: Gary blauman did it. Guy I used to work with, the guy's a legend now. We were at the morning meeting and old Blauman was getting reamed out but good.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: Pretty much routine at the morning meeting, but then, on this particular day, something amazing happened.
Bilson: You made yourself look bad, you made this company look bad, and quite frankly, you made our friends, the North Koreans, look bad! And I'll tell you something else, Blauman, if you think for one moment...
Blauman: You know what, Bilson? You can kiss my ass.
Barney: Oh, snap.
Bilson: What?
Blauman: You heard me. I don't need to take your crap anymore. My cousin's website went public today, and I made a pile of money on the ipo, so you know what I think Of this whole damn company?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Oh, my God.
Marshall: He peed on the conference table?
[FLASHBACK]
(Blauman is standing on the conference table)
Blauman: Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Uh, look, could you guys just look away for a second till I get started? Come on. Come on.
Barney, pouring some water in a glass: Does this help?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Eventually, he just gave up and left. And then his cousin's website t*nk. And then he became a janitor at an old folks' home and moved into a one-room apartment above a bowling alley.
Marshall: That's it? that's the end of the story?
Barney: No, no, of course not... he died.
Marshall: How does that help me? How does any of this help me? Can somebody, for god's sakes, please give me one piece of useful advice?
Barney: Lily, control your woman. The lesson of Blauman is that when your boss screams at you, you never scream back. That's why there's a little thing in corporate America I like to call the chain of screaming.
Marshall: Chain of screaming?
Barney: Yes. The chain of screaming starts at the top. Arthur's boss's boss screams at Arthur's boss. Arthur's boss screams at Arthur. Arthur screams at you. You go home and scream at Lily. Lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class. Then that kid screams at her dad, Arthur's boss's boss. And the whole thing starts all over again, Thus completing the circle of screaming.
Ted: I thought it was a chain of screaming.
Barney: It's a circle, Ted, I called it a circle.
Marshall: I don't scream at Lily.
Lily: And I don't scream at my kids, none of whom have parents who work at marshall's firm.
Robin: So it's not a circle.
Barney: Fine! You want it to be a chain of screaming, it's a chain of screaming. I came up with the circle idea halfway through, 'cause I thought it was a more elegant metaphor, but fine, ruin it! You guys always undermine me when I'm trying to make a point, and I'm sick of it! God, I'm surrounded by idiots! Idiots! See, doesn't everyone feel better now?
Marshall: Lily, I need your take on this. What... what should I do?
Lily: Well, what I teach my kids in kindergarten...
Barney: Oh, God.
Lily:...When dealing with a bully, the most important thing is to be constructive and positive.
[LILY'S SCENARIO]
Lily: Hello, Arthur.
Arthur: Hello, Marshall.
Lily: I have the ninja report right here. But Arthur, in the future, if you want someone to do their best work, try to motivate them, not with fear and intimidation, but through encouragement, inspiration and respect.
Arthur: Well said, Marshall, I needed to hear that. By the way, I saw your wife's picture in your office. That is one tasty slice.
Lily: Oh, you're damn right. You know what I'm gonna do when I get home?
Arthur: Oh, yeah.
Lily: I'm gonna rip that girl's clothes off...
Arthur: That's it.
Lily:...just throw her on the bed...
Arthur: That's where she belongs.
Lily:...and drive her home like a pack of sled dogs!
[END OF LILY'S SCENARIO]
Lily: It's bad, guys. Mama needs it bad.
Marshall: You're right, baby, it's about respect. That is the first useful thing anyone's said to me tonight. Can you give me that speech again?
Lily: I'm gonna drive her home like a pack of...
Marshall:No, the other part, please.
Lily: I have the ninja report right here, but...
Ted from 2030: And it seemed like that was the end of it, but it wasn't, because the next night...
At the apartment
Lily: Which of these carpets would look better in the new apartment? I like the color of this one, but this one's so soft. It would feel great on your bare feet......or your bare back, a bead of eager sweat rolling down your trembling bosom.
Ted: Lily, didn't we just go through this with bathroom tiles?
(Ted picks up his phone)
Marshall: Shh, don't say my name. Lily can't know it's me. Just pretend you're talking to Stella. Be all lovey dovey.
Ted: Hey, Stella. Sweetie, how's it going?
Marshall: Not good, not good at all.
Ted: Where are you right now?
Marshall: Right downstairs, come find me. Without Lily.
Ted: Okay, I'll see you soon.
Marshall: I love you.
Ted: I love you, too.
Lily: Wow, you two are already saying the "l" word, huh?
Ted: Apparently.
Lily: You hitting that?
Downstairs...
Marshall: I'm in trouble, Ted. Ted, I'm freakin' out, man.
Ted: Um... it's a new car, so just be careful...
Marshall: I did something stupid, can we just drive somewhere? I need to get away... just drive, man. Please just drive.
Ted: It's just, this is a really good parking spot.
Marshall: Dude!
Ted: Look, just tell me what happened first.
Marshall: Remember how I said I was gonna give that big speech that Lily told me to give, be firm but respectful? Well, it didn't totally go that way.
Ted: There is a lot of ketchup on that burger. Sorry, what happened?
Marshall: After we all finished talking last night, I went to the diner to finish working on the ninja report.
[FLASHBACK]
(Marshall is at the Diner, Barney finds him)
Barney: Hey, marshall.
Marshall: How long have you been sitting there?
Barney: If you go in there with Lily's kindergarten nonsense, you're gonna get torn apart. I'm here to save your life. you hungry?
Marshall: Yeah, I was just about to order.
Barney: What do you want?
Marshall: A sandwich and gravy fries.
Waiter: Okay, friends, what do you like?
Barney: A green tea with lemon for me, and for my friend here, the meatloaf, please.
Waiter: Very good.
Marshall: No, I didn't want meatloaf.
Barney: Marshall, the chain of screaming is a real thing. Arthur screamed at you... now you have to scream at someone else.
Marshall: No, I don't.
Barney: Yes, you do, or else that anger is gonna eat you alive.
Marshall: Who would I even scream at?
Barney: I don't know. How about somebody who's disappointed you? Someone who's let you down. Someone who's gonna bring you meatloaf when you explicitly ordered a sandwich and gravy fries.
Marshall: No.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
(Robin climbs in)
Robin: Hey, I was just heading to the bar. What are you guys doing out here?
Marshall: Oh, I was just telling Ted a story.
Robin: Ooh, I like stories. You want a lick? What?
Ted: Is that ice cream cone big enough?
Robin: Uh, it's delicious enough.
Marshall: Okay, so... Then I say to Barney...
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: I'm not gonna scream at the waiter, barney.
Barney: Yes, you are. That waiter is every boss and every bully who ever embarrassed or belittled you. And how dare he deny you the one thing that you want, that would make you happy at this moment. A sandwich and gravy fries.
Waiter: One green tea with lemon, one meatloaf. Enjoy, my friends.
Barney: Marshall.
Marshall: Excuse me?
Waiter: Yes?
Marshall: This is not what I ordered.
Waiter: Yes, it is.
Marshall: I beg your pardon, sir, But I ordered a sandwich and gravy fries, And as the customer, I'm always right, so...
Waiter: No, no, I am not going to stand here and take this! I am at the end of a triple shift... that's 18 hours!... And then I have to take two trains and a bus to astoria to have my wife scream at me because I'm never home. No, no, you eat your damn meatloaf!
(Barney climbs in)
Barney: Hey, what are you guys doing out here?
Robin: Oh sweet, can I get a toot?
Ted: Uh-uh. against car rules, it's against car rules!
Barney: Oh, Ted, relax, it's Cuban. People pay to have their car smell like this.
Ted: Well, that's just not true.
Barney: Oh, Marshall, switch seats with me. I called g*n for all eternity.
Robin:You can't call g*n for eternity.
Barney: Well, that's funny, cause I did!
Robin:It's case by case.
Marshall: Guys, I'm telling a life-altering story here!
[FLASHBACK]
(Barney and Marshall are walking in the street)
Barney: A 20% tip, really, for that waiter?
Marshall: I don't know, Barney, he worked a triple, it just...
Barney: I can't believe it! If you're not gonna yell at the waiter, Yell at me.
Marshall: What?
Barney: Yell at me.
Marshall: I'm not gonna yell at you, Barney.
Barney: What, you think you're gonna upset me? Please, give me your best sh*t.
Marshall: Okay, fine... what, you want me to yell at you?
Barney: Yeah.
Marshall: This is me yelling at you, Barney.
Barney: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly landing on a leaf about three blocks away.
Marshall: This is me yelling at you, Barney!
Barney: Okay, you got some volume, now give me some content. Make it hurt.
Marshall: You don't look as good in suits as you think you do!
Barney: No, something that's true-- come on. The man made you cry. Make me cry.
Marshall: Your mom's a slut!
Barney: Yes.
Marshall: Your mom's a slut, and I'm sorry, Barney, but you and your brother clearly have different fathers, And you know why? It's probably because your mom is a slutty slut!
Barney: Keep going.
Marshall: I don't care what you say. Bob Barker is not your father!
Barney: Okay, now, well, that's just not cool.
Marshall: Oh my god, Barney, I'm so sorry...
Barney: No, I'm kidding... keep going.
Marshall: Bob Barker's not your father! You've concocted this delusional idea that a game show host is your real father, and he's not! You were abandoned, Barney! You were abandoned, and you never dealt with it, and so now you never allow yourself to feel anything, and that's how you survive in this corporate world, and if I keep heading down this path, I'm gonna turn into you! And I don't want that! I don't want any of this! This is not why I became a lawyer. This is not the person that I wanted to be...
(Later, at Marshall's firm)
Marshall:... I quit, Arthur! I quit!
Arthur: Well, thank you, Eriksen, I needed to hear that.
Marshall: Really, 'cause I didn't mean to att*ck you personally, It's just that i...
Arthur: No, no, no, the part where you said, "I quit." Now we don't have to pay you a severance package. Uh, security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Robin, you dropped a little ice cream...
Marshall: Dude!
Ted: I'm sorry.
Barney: Don't blame this on me, Marshall. I told you to yell at someone beneath you. The circle of screaming is... The chain of scr... Pyramid... the pyramid of screaming! The pyramid of screaming.
Marshall: How am I supposed to tell lily? She supported me through three years of law school, and now is the time when I'm supposed to pay her back. Now we're gonna lose the apartment. The place where we were gonna raise our children. How am I supposed to tell the person who I love more than anything in this world that I've just thrown away our future?
(Lily knocks on the window, startling everybody in the car)
Ted: Everybody out, everybody out of the new car! Out of the new car!
Barney: Ted, screaming never solves anything.
(Ted, Barney and Robin go out of the car, Lily climbs in)
Ted from 2030: And so marshall finally had to tell lily what happened.
Marshall: I'm so sorry. I just lost it. But I can fix it. First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna go in there on my hands and knees and beg for my job back.
Lily: No, you're not.
Marshall: What?
Lily: Marshall, our future isn't money or an apartment. And it's definitely not you being miserable at that horrible job. I'm just happy to have my husband back. We'll figure the rest out.
Marshall: I love you.
Lily: I love you, too.
At the Bar
(Ted is writing a check for Marshall)
Ted from 2030: Ultimately, they were able to make ends meet without going bust on the apartment.
Marshall: You sure about this?
Ted: Yeah, who needs a car in new york city, right?
Marshall: Ted, I don't think I can accept...
Ted: Marshall, don't make me scream at you.
Marshall: Thanks a lot, buddy.
Ted: You guys did it in the car, didn't...
Marshall: Oh, yeah!
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x15 - The Chain of Screaming"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Now kids, When aunt Robin was the teenager. She was, well, the Canadian pop star. But by 2008, she was the entirely different person.
Robin is presenting the news.
Robin: Coming up next, 'Is your baby trying to k*ll you?'
At the Bar
Ted from 2030: Which maybe events that week, all the more surprising.
Ted: So, I got up this morning, its freezing. So I walked over there. And I don't know why I am still talking. Because clearly we are all asking the same question. What in God's creation is going on with Robin's breasts.
Robin: I know, right, isn't that amazing? I spent half an hour making these happen. Its tape in there, cotton balls, half of a Nerf football, but it works, right?
Lily: Totally. What's the occasion?
Robin: And old friend from Canada is in town and I'm meeting him for a drink.
Barney: Ooh! Somebody you went to Degrassi with?
Robin: No. Actually, he was my first boyfriend.
[FLASHBACK]
A young man is at the beach, Robin joins him.
Robin: Simon. I thought he was the coolest guy ever. He smelled like Drakkar. He could ollie on a skateboard. He had the most amazing collection of Hard Rock Cafe T-shirts. We spent the whole summer madly in love.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Tell me more. Tell me more. Like, did he have a car?
Marshall: So he's the guy who... How shall I say this like a gentleman? Robin, did he take your maple leaf?
Robin: No, it wasn't like that.
Barney: Sounds to me like he gave you your first "O, Canada!" face.
Ted from 2030: This went on for a really long time. Some of them jokes were elegant and well-crafted...
Lily: Wait, wait. Did he break up with you and tell you he's just not that Inuit?
(laughing)
Ted from 2030:...others were crude, and ill-formed...
Ted: Um, something about fur trapping.
Ted from 2030:...and others were obvious, but needed to be said...
Barney: Did you ride his Zamboni?
Marshall: Wait, wait, wait. Did he...? I think I'm out.
Ted: Yeah, I'm also "oot. Okay, now I'm really out.
Robin: Well, I'm sorry, guys. It was all very tame. We only dated for a week and a half.
Barney: Wha...? I thought you said you were together all summer.
Robin: Yeah. Summer in Canada is pretty much the last week of July. Anyway, one night, his band just finish playing this gig...
[FLASHBACK]
Robin is lifting a big box into the trunk of a van.
Robin: Oh, my God! Simon. That was such a good show. You guys totally rocked out.
Simon: Yeah. I know. I figure we're about four or five gigs away from really exploding. We're gonna be big, babe. I mean, like Crash-Test-Dummies big. So, that everything? All right. Listen, babe... It's over.
Robin: What?
Simon: I'm getting back together with Louise Marsh.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Louise Marsh?! That's a whore's name if I ever heard one.
Marshall: Yeah, why would he want to get back together with Louise Marsh?
[FLASHBACK]
Simon: Well, the thing is... her folks just put in a pool.
Robin: Oh... So... I totally... I get it. Pools are great. Swimming's awesome. We have a sprinkler. Run right through it. Well, I should go.
Simon: Uh... Babe, wait.
Robin: Yeah, Simon?
Simon: You forgot to load the drum set.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: No! Tell me you did not load the drum set.
Robin: I did.
Marshall: And now he's coming here? Robin, why do you want to see this guy?
Lily: Oh! I know why. You're gonna win, aren't you?
Robin: I have no idea what you' talking about.
Ted: Yes, you do. Whenever you haven't seen someone for a long time, no matter how much you want to deny it, there's always a clear winner and a clear loser.
Robin: Well, since you brought it up, let's add up the points.
Barney: You're starting out with two big ones right there.
Robin: Thank you. Okay. So, Simon still lives with his mom.
Ted: Point Robin.
Robin: Um, he never became a rock star.
Lily: Point Robin.
Robin: He now works at a water slide park outside of Ottawa.
Marshall: Point Simon.
Ted: Wait. Do they have a wave pool?
Robin: No.
Marshall: Ah. Point Robin. That's five-zip. There's no coming back from that.
Robin: Yeah, he's going down. I mean, unless somehow, he got hotter. There he is.
Ted from 2030: And sure enough, there was a clear winner, and a clear loser. It just wasn't clear to everybody.
Simon: Hey, babe.
Robin, giggling: Oh, my God.
[OPENING CREDITS]
At the apartment
Ted: Okay, what the hell just happened?
Robin: Oh, come on, it wasn't so bad, was it?
(The others groan)
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: Hey, Simon.
Simon: Wow, look at you. You got old.
Robin: Yeah. You look great. You got hotter, like that's possible.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: So... Look, I know it didn't go as planned, but I can't help it. I mean... he's still got it.
[FLASHBACK]
Simon: Whoa! Four bucks for a brew? What a rip. Good thing I'm packing.
(He takes a can out of his pants)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: So he's not a snob. He's from a different part of Canada, you know? The maple leaf flag on the back of the pickup truck? He's Red Province. He's from the Deep North.
Marshall: The thing is, we gave you so many opportunities.
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: So, Simon, Robin's a bit of a local celebrity here in New York. She's the lead anchor at Metro News One. Tell him, Robin.
Robin: No. It's stupid. It's not cool, like Simon's shirt.
Barney: I'm sorry, Simon. Here we are nattering on about our big celebrity. What do you do for a living?
Simon: Oh, I work at the Splish Splash Ottawa Water Slide Park.
Ted: Huh! A water slide park. That sure is different than what Robin does.
Simon: Yeah, it is... because I save lives. If I'm not sitting in that stool at the top of the slide, going... Go.. Go... Go... people die. What, you think it's so easy? You try it.
Ted: Um... (clears his throat)... okay. Go.
Simon: You didn't put your hand up; kid just died.
Ted: No, I didn't know...
Simon: Another kid just went; he died too.
Ted: Oh, well, sure. I mean, if I was actually...
Simon: Another kid just went; now you've got a pile-up and Robin's got something to report on the news. This just in: My friend, Ted, just k*lled a bunch of kids today.
Lily: Well, that's cool. You got to pay the bills somehow since your whole music thing didn't really pan out, did it?
Simon: Well, it hasn't panned out yet, but the band's still going. About four or five gigs away from really exploding.
Robin: The Foreskins are still playing?
Ted: The Foreskins? How'd you guys come up with that name?
Simon: Well, there's four of us, and we play without shirts. Babe, seriously.
Robin: I know. I'm sorry.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: I know. I'm sorry. But you guys just don't understand. The fact that he kept the band going...that's impressive! I mean, I gave up my musical dream.
Barney: Which brings us to the most important piece of information from tonight.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: So, Simon, how did you guys meet?
Simon: Oh, I was in her video.
Robin: Starred in it is more like it.
Simon: Well, once you win Mr. Teen Winnipeg, everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.
Barney: I'm sorry. I've seen "Let's Go to the Mall" about a thousand times, and you, sir, are not in it.
Simon: No, I was in the other one.
Barney: There's another video?!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Robin, seriously, just make this easier on yourself and give us the tape.
Robin: No.
Barney: All right! You leave me no choice. From this moment on, I will spend every waking minute ching down this tape. I will not sleep. I will not eat. My life will be a living hell of search engines and overseas phone calls, chasing down something that possibly can't be found.
Robin: Okay.
Marshall: It's just... It was so hard to watch, Robin. You're usually so cool.
Robin: I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sitting next to Simon, and suddenly I'm 16 again.
Ted: Oh, it's actually a common thing. When you're around someone from your past, you kind of revert back to who you were when you knew them. There's not really a name for it, though.
Marshall: It's called "revertigo."
Ted: Yeah, I don't know about "revertigo."
Marshall: You know who gets really bad revertigo? (whispers) Lily when she around her high school friend, Michelle.
Barney: Michelle? She sounds hot.
Ted: You don't know about Lily and Michelle?
Barney: No. What about Lily and Michelle?
Marshall: Oh, my friend, you are in for a treat. Hey, Lil?
Lily: What?
Marshall: You know, I was just thinking, we haven't seen your friend Michelle in a while.
Lily: Oh, yeah. I'll give her a call, see if she wants to hang out.
Barney: What... (stammers) Do they make out?
Marshall: Better.
Ted: Comparable.
Marshall: Comparable.
Robin: Whatever. It's over. I lost. I guess you, uh, you don't get second chance.
Later, at the Bar
Robin: I got a second chance.
Lily: What happened?
Robin: He came by my place tonight...
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: Simon. What are you doing here?
Simon: I just feel like there's some unfinished business between you and me. Seeing you now... has made me realize that breaking up with you is the biggest mistake I made in my entire life.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Oh, I like where this is going.
[FLASHBACK]
Simon: I know this is crazy, and I'm only in town for a couple of days, but do you want to go on a date?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: He asked you out?! Oh, step into my web, Simon.
Ted: The coup de grace.
Barney: Finish him!
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: I'd love to!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Wait. You're going on a date with Simon? That Simon?The one we met?
Lily: Robin, this guy doesn't deserve a second chance. Not after the way he treated you.
Robin: That was ten years ago. People evolve. I mean, are you the same person that you were in high school?
Lily: Oh, hell, no!
Marshall: I think you're gonna enjoy this.
Lily: That my girl Michelle?
Michelle: Bitch, you know it!
Lily: How she livin'?
Michelle: She living only way she know how to. Large!
Lily: Oh, girl, you gots to get your drink on up in here.
Michelle: I'm hoping my big ass can hustle me up a vodka-Gatorade.
Lily: For reals.
(Lily and Michelle leave the bar together)
Barney: I want her around all the time. I'd even consider not trying to sleep with her if that's what it takes. Guys, I've decided to seduce Michelle.
In some garage
(Robin is watching Simon's band playing)
Robin: Yeah!
Simon: Guys, that was great. Let's take five. Hey, babe, did you like it after my bass solo when I flicked my pick at you?
Robin: That rocked.
Simon: Yeah. Uh, 'cause I'm gonna need that pick back.
Robin: Oh, uh, sure.
Simon: Um, I think it... It's cool. You'll find it later.
Robin: Oh, cool. I wish I didn't have to go to work in the morning.
Simon: Oh, but, babe, you got to go to work. You got to play our demo on your show.
Robin: Oh, well, you know, it's not a show. It's the news.
Simon: Right. So you can be, like "Hey, did you hear there's some news? There's a rad band you guys should check out." And then play it. Or just, like, the first three songs.
Robin is presenting the news...
Robin: And now it's time for "Puppy Corner," some little angels looking for a new home, courtesy of the Midtown Animal Shelter.
Dog's pictures are shown with Simon's music in the background (hard-metal music)
At the Bar
Robin: Hey, a lot of puppies got adopted. Of course, a lot of the people calling in thought we were going to k*ll them.
Marshall: Robin, your revertigo is really starting to affect your work.
Lily: What's revertigo?
Ted: It's a stupid, made-up word with no meaning.
Marshall: No. It's a phenomenon where, when you're around people from your past, you start behaving like them.
Lily: Oh. One example of that springs to mind. I think we all know what it is.
Marshall: You do?
Lily: Yeah. Ted.
Ted: Me?
Lily: Whenever Ted's friend Punchy comes into town, it's like, all of a sudden, Ted's in high school again.
Ted: Okay, okay. First of all, his name is Adam Punciarello, and I don't do that.
[FLASHBACK]
(Someone is knocking at the door)
Ted: Ooh. That must be Adam. 'Sup, Punchy?
Punchy: 'Sup, Shmosby?!
Ted: You want to go?
Punchy: I'm already there!
Ted: Dude, seriously, I'm sorry about your dad.
Punchy:Yeah, it was a real shock.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: I can't believe you, of all people, are saying this.
Lily: Why?
Ted: No reason.
Marshall: Robin, the point is, what are you doing? I mean, this guy?
Robin: Okay, you want the truth? Yeah. I like Simon. I do. We have fun together.
Lily: Oh, we know you do, honey, but we're worried about you.
Robin: You're worried? Okay, hold on. Is there any version of this conversation where you guys don't sound like my parents?
Lily: I don't know. Is there any version where you don't sound like a 16-year-old?
Robin: That's exactly what my mom would say.
Lily: No. If I was your mom, I woulsay, "We forbid you from seeing this boy."
Robin: Lily!
Lily: No, I'm sorry, but it's for your own good.
Robin: This is my life! You guys just don't get it! You've never felt the way that I feel!
Marshall: Now, now. We were once young and in love, too.
Robin: Yeah, like, a billion years ago.
Lily: You've been drinking, haven't you?
Robin: Yeah, we all have. You bought the last round.
Lily: You're not going to that show tonight!
Robin: Oh, yes, I am, and you know what else? Tonight, after the show, Simon and I are going all the way.
Lily: Young lady, get back here! Thanks for your help.
Ted: Hey, so, today at work...
Marshall: Not now, Ted!
Ted: Geez.
At the back of Simon's van
(Robin is lifting boxes into the van)
Robin: Oh, hey, Simon. Great show. You guys still rock.
Simon: Yeah. They totally dug my bass solo. Man! Why can't I always feel this alive?!
Robin: God, I just love seeing you so happy.
Simon: Yeah. About that. Listen, babe. It's over.
Robin: What?
Simon: I'm getting back together with Louise Marsh.
Robin, laughing: What? You're kidding me. You're breaking up with me? Again? F-For the same ex-girlfriend? In the same van? What is it? Her-Her parents got a pool? Is that still the reason?
At the Bar
Ted: Well... I'm sorry, Robin.
Robin: I'm fine, really.
Lily: Oh, Robin, I'm gonna tell you for real. Simon's a dawg. You feel me, Chelle?
Michelle: Mm-hmm, for reals. He a scrub.
Lily: Mm. True dat. I'ma get me my champagne and grape soda on.
Ted: So, how's Columbia?
Michelle: Great! I'm almost done with my dissertation. Hmm. I'm getting a PhD in behavioral psychology.
Robin: Um, can I make an observation?
Michelle: Oh. I know. Whenever I'm around Lily, she just brings out that side of me. There's a psychological term for the phenomenon.
Marshall: Revertigo?
Michelle:No. Actually, it's associative regression. You see, the neural pathways that... Oh, no, you did not just put on my jam! Oh. Put your hands up, girl!
(Lily and Michelle start dancing around)
Ted from 2030: One by one, we all had to go home. Soon, it was just Robin.
Barney: All right. I can't find your video. I've wasted three days tr... What's the matter?
Robin: Uh... Simon dumped me in his van after the show.
Barney: Yeah, Robin, that was, like, ten years ago.
Robin: No, tonight.
Barney: Ooh. Really? (Robin starts crying)Oh! Oh, come here.
Robin: It's just... when I was young, I was so... vulnerable and-and open to things, you know? And... I guess I just... I wanted to feel that way again. I wanted to be 16 again.
Barney: Robin, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth. You want to be 16 again? I have watched your first Robin Sparkles video 1,000 times, and it's not because I'm proud of you as a friend. It's because you were totally, totally lame back then. But now, come on. Pa-cow! You're the most awesome person I have ever known. Well, second most awesome.
Robin: Right. Of course, the-the first being you.
Barney: No. No. The first is this guy who lives in a place called the mirror. What up?! I'm saying that you are way more awesome than Simon ever will be.
Robin: Barney, do you want to come back to my place?
Barney: Your place?
At Robin's
Barney: Are you sure you want to do this?
Robin: Yeah. I am. Let's just not tell anyone about this, okay?
Barney: Of course. So, should I just put it in?
Robin: Yeah, why not?
(Barney plays a video tape)
Robin: This was my big artistic follow-up to"Let's Go to the Mall." It kind of t*nk.
Barney: Is that Tiffany? Mm-hmm. You are so rad. It's everything I want it to be and more.
Robin: Oh, I'm so glad.
Barney: Is that Alan Thicke?
Robin: Yeah.
Barney: You know, if you reedit it, there's a tampon commercial in here somewhere. Do you seem how lame you were back then?
Robin: Yeah, you're right. I was lame.
Barney: Totally lame. Ugh. And, of course, the robot makes an appearance in the sad love ballad.
Robin: He was my sidekick. He had to be.
Ted from 2030: And so they watched it again... And again... And again. They watched it over and over that night until finally... (Robin and Barney kiss) they stopped watching.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x16 - Sandcastles in the Sand"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Well, kids, here we are. We've arrived, my 30th birthday. The long-awaited story of...the goat. That week started just like any other. Barney woke up in some girl's bed.
In Robin's bedroom
Barney: In my experience, the way this normally goes is, we lie here for a while, make a little awkward chitchat.
Robin: Check.
Barney: Then I make up some cabinet meeting, heart surgery, rocket test flight I've got to be at, slip out of the apartment and never call you again.
Robin: And later at the bar, you tell your good friend Robin the story of your latest conquest, and she thinks to herself, "who is this sad, self-loathing idiot who climbed into bed with Barney Stinson?"
Barney: Actually, you usually say that out loud. So...I just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend
Robin: And I just slept with my ex-boyfriend's really good friend.
Barney: Best friend.
Robin: Okay, here's the deal, Barney. The second my feet touch the ground, this never happened.
Barney: Okay. Wait. Right click, save as... Into the.bpeg folder, and okay. This never happened. It's a good plan.
Robin: Now we go back to exactly the way things were before.
Barney: Okay. Right. So, Robin?
Robin: Yes, Barney?
Barney: Guess who nailed the chick from metro news one last night?
[OPENING CREDITS]
Robin: I'm gonna shower... till June, and, um, since you were never here to begin with, you won't be here when I get out.
Barney: Okay. This never happened. Never happened. Never... happened.
Ted from 2030: But pretending it never happened wouldn't be that easy.
At the Bar
Ted: So, tell us, what was it like?
Barney: What?
Ted: Penetrating that barrier. You and I are the first ones to h*t it. Well, not the first ones, certainly, but the first ones at this table.
Barney: I... I... I'm... I'm...
Marshall: Although, I'm gonna be hitting it pretty soon.
Robin: Yeah, you are.
Marshall: Yeah, and when I h*t it, I'm going to go nuts.
Lily: It's gonna be all night, and I think I want a clown there. I'm a little bit scared of clowns, but for you, I'm there.
Barney: What are you talking about?!
Ted: The big three-oh. You know, my 30th birthday's this friday. Did you forget? What kind of friend is this guy?
Barney: Ha-ha right. A great friend, by the way. The best. Is it my imagination, or are these drinks getting smaller? If this were a doctor's office, they'd say, "try again." How you doing there, Robin?
Robin: I'm good.
Ted: Oh, so, I made a a decision. I'm going to go through all my old stuff, And I'm getting rid of anything I have no use for anymore. Hmm. Barney, you want my xbox?
Barney: Ted, she has a name! And just what are you accusing me of?
Ted: Liking video games?
Robin: I'm gonna get a drink.
Barney: I'll come with you.
Robin: Okay.
Barney: God, this is awkward.
Robin: What is?
Barney: Being around Ted.
Robin: Why?
Barney: Because of our thing.
Robin: What thing?
Barney: You're really gonna pretend this never happened?
(Ted arrives behind Barney and startles him)
Ted: What never happened? What are you guys talking about?
Robin: Nothing.
Ted: Guys, cut the act. I know. I know about the surprise party you guys are throwing me. Marshall let it slip earlier today. Hey, I'll totally act surprised and everything. Just be sure to invite Stella.
Barney: Stella! You have a serious girlfriend now! You're over this one. Robin who, right? Stella makes this one look like a filthy bag of gbabage, am I right? Happy birthday, bro.
At Marshall's
(Marshall is playing a video game. His phone starts ringing, he picks up)
Marshall: Hello.
Barney: Hey, Marshall, I need your help.
Marshall: Yeah, I'm kind of real focused on the job hunt right now.
Barney: I know. I want to hire you.
Marshall: For the last time, Barney, I will not be your butler.
Barney: I need a lawyer. I'll pay you.
Marshall: How much?
Barney: A little.
Marshall: I'll take it.
In Barney's office
Marshall: Hey. so, I'm reading this, and, I got to say, this might be a little bit over my head. For one thing, I'm fairly certain that if these contracts aren't ex*cuted precisely, we will be at w*r with Portugal.
Barney: Forget that. That's a Tuesday for me. New shredder. This baby'll chew up a bicycle in 17 seconds. From sky mall. It's all from sky mall. Whenever I get upset, I shop at sky mall. Want a hot dog?
Marshall: Of course. Why are you upset?
Barney: Marshall, I'm about to tell you a secret that you can't tell anyone-- not Ted, not Robin, not Lily.
Marshall: No. no, no, no, I don't want any more secrets, especially now that I know what you guys did to the drinking water in lisbon. I...
Barney: You are hearing this secret, Marshall. I... I slept... (Marshall covers his ears with his hands and starts singing) Stop..stop doing that. (Barney throws a bowling ball at him, Marshall catches it) I slept... I slept with Robin.
Marshall: You slept with Robin?
Barney: Are you mad at me?
Marshall: I don't know.
Barney: How's the hot dog?
Marshall: It's helping. You slept with Robin?! I... I cannot keep that secret. I mean, you know I at least have to tell Lily.
Barney: You can't. you can't tell anyone. Attorney-client privilege.
Marshall: Why are you doing this to me?!
Barney: Because I need you, Marshall, as my lawyer, to prove that I didn't do anying wrong.
Marshall: How can I help you as your lawyer? You didn't break any laws, did you? Robin knows you slept with her, doesn't she?
Barney: I didn't break any state or federal laws, but I think I broke a much, much higher law. The Bro Code.
Ted from 2030: For many years, we had heard Barney quote the Bro Code, a list of do's and don'ts for all bros. Some were basic.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: Bro Code article one:"Bros before hoes."
Ted from 2030: Some were unbelievably complicated.
Barney: Bro Code article 89: "The mom of a bro is always off limits, but the stepmom of a bro is fair game if she initiates it, and/or is wearing at least one a article of leopard print clothing."
Ted from 2030: And some were just plain disturbing.
Barney: Bro Code article 34: "Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's three-way." Two dudes.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: This is not a legal docume.. This is just something you wrote.
Barney: You think I wrote that? Oh, Marshall, don't you know the glorious history of the Bro Code?
[HISTORICAL FLASHBACK]
Two men are sitting at a table.
Barney: The year was 1776. The place: Philadelphia. Benjamin Franklin and George Washington were hangng a drink.
Benjamin: But, bro, seriously, I called the dibs on that wench. You codpiece blocked me.
George: So what if I did? There's no rule against it.
Benjamin: Well, there should be. There should be a set of rules that govern the way bros comport themselves among other bros.
George: But who shall write such a document? I have to go to Me, D.C.,and pose for the dollar bill.
Benjamin: And I have to do some kite-flying or setething.
Barney: I shall write this set of rules. And I shall inscribe it on theacack of the Constitution. To save paper.
George: It's resolved! Barney Stinson shall write... the Bro Code.
Barney: And I shall l include a provision that stateth "No eye contact in a devil's three-way."
Benjamin: Seconded.
George: Seconded.
[END OF HISTORICAL FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Listen, what do you want me for?
Barney: I've just been losing my mind lately, and do you know why I feel so bad?
Marshall: Yeah, because you slept with Robin.
Barney: No, that was awesome. I feel bad because the Bro Code clearly states "No sex with your bro's ex." But if you, my lawyer,can find a loophole somewhere, then that bad feeling will go bye-bye.
Marshall: And you would pay me for that?
Barney: No, I'll just be the one shredding your paperwork. Technically, you'll be paid by a toy factory in Pyongyang.
Marshall: Barney, I'm no shrink, okay, but don't you see that this is just a desperate way for you to avoid an unpleasant confrontation with Ted?
Barney: Hey, if I wanted a psychological evaluation, I'd hire the guy we pay to hint notize us before depositions. Now, get cracking!
Ted from 2030: While Marshall examined the Bro Code, Lily's kindergarten class welcomed a special guest.
In Lily's class
Lily: And with a little luck, in a few days, Farmer Frank's cold will be all gone. And that's why Farmer Frank's breath smells like medicine. Right, Farmer Frank?
Frank: You got it, toots.
Lily: Any last questions for Farmer Frank? Yes.
Girl: Will we ever go to see Missy the Goat again?
Frank: Oh! Ah, isn't that sweet! Well, you know, honey, right after this, I'm gonna drop old Missy off at the butcher shop. And they're going to take a great big Kn*fe...
Ted from 2030: And Frank went on to traumatize Lily's entire class with a graphic explanation of where meat comes from... So not one little scrap of Missy goes to waste.
Girl: Ms. Aldrin, please don't let emem eat Missy.
Lily is going home, with... the goat.
At the apartment
Lily: I know, I know. I already called an animal rescue, and they're going to come get her on Monday.
Ted: Monday?! Where's she going to sleep and eat and go to the bathroom?! Okay, where's she going to sleep and eat?
Lily: I-I guess I'll keep her up on the roof.
Ted: Look, call me crazy. I just... I don't think having a goat in the apartment is a good idea.
Ted from 2030: And, boy, was I right,because what Missy the Goat would go on to do in that bathroom was so... No, you know what? I'm m getting ahead of myself. We'll get there.
(Robin arrives at the apartment.)
Robin: Hey, Ted. You ready to, um... Where'd the goat turd come from?
Ted: How'd you know that was a goat turd?
Robin: Well, it was either that, or a musk ox turd, and I figured,what the hell would a musk ox be doing in here?
Ted: Hey. Guess what your wife brought home.
Marshall: Attorney-client privilege.I can't talk about it.
Ted: Talk about what?
Marshall: Nothing. How was your day? Oh, goat turd on the floor,I see. Is that new?
Ted: How does everyone know that's a goat turd?
Robin: Barney told you.
Marshall: I don't know what you're talking about,madam.
Robin: Marshall, you can't look me in the eye, you're blushing, coughing, and your hands are shaking.
Ted: Robin, come here!
Robin: Ted is never finding out about this, you understand? Because it never happened, none of us are saying anything. And don't even think about opening that can until I'm out of the splash zone.
In Barney's office
(Marshall arrives.)
Barney: Fantastic, you're here. Give me the good news.
Marshall: I'm sorry. You did too good of a job writing this thing. It's-it's iron-clad.
Barney: No! Bad lawyer! I need a loophole! I want to feel better, Marshall! I can't keep buying things! I have six self-cleaning litterboxes and I don't even have a kid. Wait. How about this? Ted's probably broken this thing himself, right? And if he's broken the Bro Code, then I'm off the hook.
Marshall: I thought about that. And I gotta say, Ted has upheld this thing time and time again. For example, article 87: "A bro shall at all times say yes."
[FLASHBACK]
Woman: So he saved you from an avalanche?
Ted: Yes.
Woman: And he carried you six miles to safety on his broken leg?
Ted: Yes.
Woman: And you're a pre-op transsexual nightclub singer who used to be a member of the Russian mob?
Ted: Da.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Article 29 "A bro will in a timely manner alert his bro to the existence of a girl fight."
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Dude, two girls are fighting at MacLaren's.
Barney: What?!
Ted: Yeah, yeah. It was crazy. This one girl was like... Oh, hey.
Barney: Hey.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Article 53: "A bro will, whenever possible, provide his bro with protection."
[FLASHBACK]
Woman: That feels nice.
Barney: Good.
Woman: I just wish we had some wine.
Barney: Yeah. I wish we had some wine, too.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Damn it, Marshall. I'm not paying you to tell me what a saint Ted is! You're my lawyer! The answer is in there! Find it!
Marshall: Okay, this isn't about the Bro Code, and you know it. The reason that you're upset is because what you did was wrong. And the only way you're ever gonna feel any better about it is if you tell Ted what you did.
Barney: What if he never wants to talk to me again?
Marshall: Well, I guess that's just a chance you're gonna have to take.
Ted from 2030: Which brings us to April 25, 2008. My 30th birthday, or as it would come to be referred to in later years: The Day of the Goat.
On the roof
(Everyone has arrived for the surprise-party. They are all waiting for Barney and Ted)
Lily: Hey, where are you?
Barney:I'm in the limo, right outside of Ted's office.
Lily: Great. Well, everyone's here. Stella just arrived and there is something here so awesome, I'm not going to tell you what it is, but you won't believe...
Barney: Goat in a party hat?
Lily: Damn it! Well, you still gotta see it. It's so much fun having a goat at a party!
Ted from 2030: In a few short hours, Lily would come to regret those words. But we'll get there.
Barney:Uh, gotta go. Here he comes.
Lily: Okay. Bye.
(Ted climbs in)
Ted: Whoa, you guys went all out.
Lily: Okay, everyone, Ted's in the limo, five-minute warning! Everyone get ready! Oh, Missy, are you excit?? Yes, you are!
Ted: Whoa, we're leaving the city. Where the hell is this party?
Barney: Vegas.
Ted: Vegas? I thought the party was on the rooftop.
Barney: Surprise! Just a decoy, my friend.
Ted: So there's no roof party?
Barney: Oh, no. There is. We're just not going. This is how good a friend I am. They want you to spent your 30th standing around drinking flat beer ten feet above your living room. But not me, bro. I pulled out all the stops. Private jet, Valderrama suite at the Bellagio. Steaks at BOA, scotch at Ghostbar, then two ringside seats to watch Floyd Mayatather go ten rounds with, wait for it... a grizzly bear!
Ted: Take me home, Barney.
Barney: No! We have to go to Vegas. Look, Ted, I didn't want to say this, but... there's something that I have to tell you, and I wanted you to be in the best possible frame of mind before you heard it.
Ted: You slept with Robin.
Ranjit: You slept with Robin? Barney! That is Ted's ex-girlfriend!
Barney: When did you find out?
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Hey, Robin. Come here!
Robin: What's up?
Ted: I was, uh, just going through some old stuff and I...
Marshall: Oh, crap!
Ted: Anyway, uh, I came across this.
Robin: From my vacacation in Vermont.
Ted: Yeah. I don't know if you'd even want it, but if you do, it's yours.
Robin: I slept with Barney!
Ted: What?
Robin: It was just one time, it, it was the night that Simon dumped me and I was in a really vulnerable place and I, I wanted to just pretend like it never happened, but I couldn't, and... I can't. I just, I had to tell you. And... I just hope that we can still be friends.
Ted: Of course we can still be friends.
Robin: So you're not mad?
Ted: Well, I'm... it's a little weird, but, um... No, I'm not mad.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: So you're not mad?
Ted: No, I'm not mad. I mean, Robin and I broke up a year ago. We've, we've both dated lots of people since then. I'm with Stella now. Seriously, I...I'm fine with this.
Barney: I'm so relieved to hear you say that.
Ted: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, hey, I just remembered, um, my mom is coming into town next month. Maybe you'd like to nail her, too!
On the roof
Marshall: Where are they?! I'm getting a cramp.
Lily: Marshall, can we keep the goat?
Marshall: No.
Lily: But she's so cute and furry and soft.
Marshall: Yeah, and she also sheds, eats out of the garbage and can't control her bobowels.
Lily: Why don't we just call Duluth Mental Hospital and say my Uncle Linus can live with us?
Robin: Yeah, Lily, that may seem like a good idea after a couple of drinks but tomorrow morning you're going to want this thing out of your house.
Lily: Oh, you should talk.You slept with Barney.
Robin: Marshall!
Marshall: I'm sorry! I couldn't take it anymore.
Lily: I can't believe you did that. That's so gross. Was it amazing?
Robin: What? I... Lily, I really don't want to talk about this.
Lily: I know but it's Barney. It's just hard not to be curious. Did he have like devices and stuff?
Robin: Lily,come on.
Lily: Hot wax?
Marshall: Stop it.
Lily: Did he tie you to anything?
Marshall: That's enough. What's wrong with you?
Lily: I'm sorry. Is he all smooth down there?
In the limo
Ted: Three billion women on the planet! Three billion! And you have to sleep with the one that I dated for a year! Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! Robin?!
Barney: You think I'm proud of this?! I'm horrified that this happened.
Ted: How did it happen? Huh? Barney, I want to know. Tell me exactly how it happened.
Barney: You mean... what position? (They starts fighting) Stop it! Stop it!
Ranjit: h*t him!
Barney: Ted! Stop!
Ranjit: h*t him!
Barney: Stop!
Ranjit: h*t him!
Barney: Okay. Okay. You're pissed. You deserve to be. Fine. You know what? One free sh*t. On me. Anywhere but the face. (Ted hits him where it hurts the most...) Who punches someone in the groin? Okay.Okay. I deserved that. I deserved that. But what's important now is... we're passed this whole Robin thing now, right?
Ted: You think that this is just about Robin? This is about... You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. I mean some really terrible stuff to a lot of different people. I just always thought there had to be a limit. I always thought I was the limit. You're always spouting off these rules for bros. Isn't one of them, "don't do this"?
Barney: Yeah. And I broke it. I'm sorry. But, Ted...seriously, this suite at the Bellagio...
Ted: I am not going to Vegas with you! I'm not going to blow off my friends and my girlfriend, and spend my 30th birthday in a strip club. The fact that you think I would... You know, Barney,earlier this week I started putting things in a box and that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore."
Barney: What does that mean?
Ted: It means... maybe you belong in that box.
Barney: Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?
Ted: I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.
Barney: Okay, I'm going to stop you right there, because it seems like you're about to say something that's going to pretty much ruin Vegas.
Ted: Ranjit, stop the car. I'm getting a cab.
Ted finally arrives at the apartment and goes up to the roof.
Everyone: Surprise!
Ted from 2030: Oh, right, the goat. So funny.You're going to love this. So later in that night, the goat locked himself in the bathroom and was eating one of Robin's washcloths and wait, hold on. Robin wasn't living here on my 30th birthday. When did this happen? Oh, wait, the goat was there on my 31st birthday. Sorry, I totally got that wrong.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x17 - The Goat"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
[Title: The Year 2030]
Narrator: Now kids, the spring of 2008 was a complicated time in your old man's life. (Cut to when Ted and Barney was in the limo) The last time I had seen Barney was shortly after I found out he has spent the night with Robin.
[The Year 2008 - Flashback](Barney and Ted are in the limo)
Barney: Are you saying you don't wanna be bros anymore?
Ted: I'm saying I don't wanna be friends anymore.
[End Flashback]
[The Bar - Lily/Marshall/Robin/Ted]
(Ted's phone rings)
Ted: It's Barney. (To Barney, in the phone) Dude, seriously you need to stop calling me.
Barney (he is at work, in the phone): Ted, I'm sorry, I haven't returned your calls.
Ted: (in the phone) Yeah I never called you, you called me fifteen times and my parents twice.
Barney: I'm sorry, I gotta let you go. It's just too many good wingmen out there. Ted are you crying?
Ted: No I'm not.
Barney: Sh! Let it out, let it out.
Ted: Goodbye Barney. (He hangs up)
Lily: So are you two back together?
Ted: No.
Marshall: I miss Barney. I haven't "high five" with anyone like a week. I think I might be starting to lose my fist bone careless.
Robin: Let me ask you something Ted. Why are you so much madder at Barney than me?
Lily: Yeah! She had just as much sex with Barney as Barney had with her.
Robin: You know what? I'm not sure that's true. I think I actually prefered if you are mad at me. This is too weird.
Ted: I'm not mad at anybody. I've forgiven you. And I've outgrown Barney as a friend. It's that's simple.
Lily: I will tell you why he is not mad. Because he is so happy with Stella.
Narrator: She was right. (We see videos of Stella and Ted) Stella and I had been dating for two months. And things were going really well. (Stella, Ted and his friends are playing) She had mat my friend in past for flying colors. There was just one little problem.
[The Apartment - Ted/Lily/Mashall]
Lily: You guys haven't had sex yet!!?? When Marshall and I were two months, we were doing it 24/7.
Ted: I know, I was in the top bunk. Also sat next to you at football games.
Lily: So what you guys waiting for?
Ted: I think she wants to make sure we are serious first, that's why she hasn't introduced me to her daughter either. She wants to take things slow.
Marshall: Wait, so you haven't had sex since like Thanksgiving. Do you know how many big federal holidays have come and gone since then.
Lily: Oh baby, do you remember Martin Luther King day?
Marshall: Yeah, I do. We ode that dude big time.
Ted: Look, I'm crazy about this girl, if waiting is what it takes, then I'm fine with that. And totally unrelated note. Does anybody have gamma icer or a piece of bark that you are not chewing?
[Barney's Office - Barney/Randy]
Randy: Hey Barney, new sky mall come in. So worldaround blog's fear is you are looking for a new wingman. I wanna let you know, I'm available. Just the say the word, or don't even say the word. Just do something with you eyebrow. Was that it?
Barney: No offence Randy, but there is a long list of candidats for this slot. This slot is for vice president of awesome. And you are like assistant under secretary of only ok.
Randy: Assistant under secretary of only ok. Thank you, I will not let you down.
Narrator: So uncle Barney began to search for a new wingman.
Barney: (in the phone) Pitt, Barney Stinson!
Pitt: Hey! I haven't been calling you, it has been a while.
Barney: Yeah. Yeah. So, listen you should meet me in McLaren's tonight.
Pitt: You never gonna believe this. I'm at the hospital. Just had a baby daughter.
Barney: So what do you think? 9:30 or 10 o'clock? (They both hang up)
Barney: Starry Porten, Barney Stinson.
Starry: What up, chef?
Barney: I need a new bro, what do you say?
Starry: Dude, I'do love to but now I'm bro with Duck Stan.
Barney: Oh, I understand. Duck Stan is a good bro. I'm happy for you. Best of luck. (He hangs up)
Barney: Crazy Willie! Barney Stinson.
Willie: What up B dog, long time no bro, so are we gonna tire it up tonight or what?
Barney: Yes finally!
Willie: Here is what on the rocket tocket. My wife is gonna put the cheese out at seven, scrabble at 8:00 PM, 9 PM we watch 27 dresses, everybody's home by 11:00. Booya! (Barney hangs up and he remakes a phone call to Willie)
Willie: Hello?
Barney: Hanging up on you once wasn't enough. (And then Barney hangs up)
[Stella's Office - Stella/Ted]
(During the break lunch...)
Stella: So I lanced this thing on this guy's back, and I'll be honest with you, I didn't even know what it was, and then it exploded like a volcano. Plus everywhere.
Ted: Let's have sex. Right now, I'll lock the door.
Stella: Oh, there is no lock on that door.
Ted: We can do it against the door. It'll be hot! It'll be like a three-way: you, me and the door.
Stella: Yeah, but then it's just gonna be weird between me and the door tomorrow.
Ted: I'm sorry. We're waiting. It's cool.
Stella: You've been so patient Ted. The truth is... I'm kind of nervous. I have a confession to make.
Ted: I was afraid of this. You're 14.
Stella: No, um... it's kind of embarrassing, but it's been a while since I was intimate with anyone.
Ted: Wow. It's funny that you say that. Me too.
Stella: Really? How long it's been for you?
Ted: It's been a while.
Stella: Tell me.
(Ted shows 5 with his fingers)
Stella: Me too!
Ted: It's been five months for you too?
[The Apartment - Ted/Robin/Marshall/Lily]
All (except Ted): Five years!!??
["How I Met Your Mother", credits]
[The Apartment - Ted/Robin/Marshall/Lily]
Marshall: Wow. Stella hasn't had sex since 2003. Let's just put this in context. The last time Stella had sex, the movie, Seabiscuit, had just galloped into the theaters... and our hearts.
Lily: Five years! God, if I even went one year, I would be out on the street selling it for a nickel.
Marshall: The last time Stella had sex, the world was just learning about SARS.
Robin: Well, Ted, what else did she said? Did she gave you any kind of explanation?
[Flashback - Ted/Stella]
Stella: Look, after Lucy was born, I dated a little, but it was hard to find a guy I could trust enough. Sooner or later, every one of them gave me a reason not to.
Ted: But nobody in five years?
Stella: Look, Ted, guys regret the girls they didn't sleep with. Girls regret the guys they do sleep with. And for the past five years, I've had no regrets. Ted, you're staring at my boobs.
Ted: In my defense, they were staring at me.
[End Flashback]
Lily: So what does this mean for you? Is she ever wanna want to get intimate?
Ted: Actually...
[Flashback - Ted/Stella]
Stella: But the truth is, I really do want to do this with you. I don't think I'd regret it at all.
Ted: Your pillow talk's a little rusty.
Stella: You know what I mean Ted, I'm ready.
Ted: That's great. Like "right now" ready? (She laughs)
[End Flashback]
Ted: So, her sister's driving up to baby-sit Lucy, and we're getting a hotel room in the city Saturday night.
Marshall: The last time Stella had sex, The Da Vinci Code had just come out.
Robin: Well that's doesn't seem like that long ago.
Marshall: Not the movie, the book.
Robin: Wow.
Ted: It's a lot of pressure, isn't it?
Lily: You know what? It's not. This woman needs it bad. Anything you do is going to be fireworks. I remember my longest drought...
[Flashback - Lily in San Francisco]
Lily: (V.O.) It was that summer I lived in San Francisco. I hadn't had been with Marshall since two months and 19 days. (There is a shock. And Lily likes the sensation which that gets her.)
[End Flashback]
Lily: Oh, San Francisco!
Ted: I don't know Lily, after five years, her expectations have gotta be pretty high.
Marshall (watching on Internet): Notable deaths in 2003... Oh my God... Nell Carter. Did you guys know that Nell Carter had died?
Ted: I really gonna have to bring my A-game to satisfy this woman.
Robin: Yeah, it'll be pretty hard now that she's d*ad.
Ted: Not Nell Carter... Stella.
Marshall: Dude, relax, it's all about expectations management. Do you know why I hated Jerry Maguire so much?
Ted: Because you're d*ad inside?
Marshall: No, because you built it up for, like, two weeks, saying it was the greatest movie ever. With Stella, do the opposite: lower expectations.
Ted: Right, right, and then no matter what happens, she'll be happy.
(Marshall's phone rings, he picks up the phone)
Marshall (in the phone): Hey, buddy. I'm married, Barney, I cannot be your new wingman. (Marshall hangs up, then Robin's phone rings, she picks up the phone and say directly...)
Robin: No. (And hangs up)
[Barney's Office - Barney] (He sees Randy in the lane)
Barney: Hey, Randy. Could you come here for a minute? (Randy releases a box. And comes in Barney's office by running) Good news. I'm calling you up to the majors. Starting tomorrow night, how would you like to be my new wingman?
Randy: Uh... Just need to check my calendar. Be right back. (Then he goes in the lane, and dances. He comes back.) Tomorrow works.
[Stella's Office - Ted/Stella]
Ted: I have a surprise appetizer for us today. Check it out. Potato skins.
Stella: Fancy?
Ted: Yeah. Right? God, it's been forever since I had potato skins. I remember them as being pretty much the most delicious things ever. (He eats the potato skin) Huh. That's surprising.
Stella: What?
Ted: This potato skin. It's good but not nearly as good as I'd built it up to be in my head. Even though potato skin performed admirably, and is a totally respectable size... I couldn't enjoy it because of my own unrealistic expectations.
Stella: Hmm, Ted, I see what you're doing. You're trying to lower my expectations for tonight. Is this a lengh thing?
Ted: No.
Stella: Quick on the draw?
Ted: No.
Stella: Unexpected number of testicules?
Ted: No. It's just that this is a big deal for you. I mean, it's like your virginity: the sequel. (She laughs)
Stella: Virginity 2: Eletric Boogaloo?
Ted: Exactly, and I don't want to mess it up. I don't want you to ever wonder if was worth it.
Stella: Oh Ted, of course it's gonna be worth it. Stop worrying. It's you and me. It already has everything it needs. (They kiss each other)
Ted: "Unexpected number of testicules?"
Stella: It happens. I knew a guy in med school... we used to joke that we was one ball away from getting walked. (They laugh)
[The Bar - Barney]
(Randy comes in.)
Barney: Hey.
Randy: What up bro-seph Lieberman?
Barney: No, uh-uh. Randy, we never use the word "bro" in the name of a failed Democratic vice presidential candidate.
Randy: (He takes out his memo pad) Goodbye "Geraldine Ferrar-bro".
Barney: You know what? I'm excited about this, Randy. You will be my next masterpiece. It's like with Ted. When I first met him, he was an even bigger loser than you.
Randy: What a loser.
Barney: But tonight, I'm going to make you the greatest wingman in the history of wingmen.
Randy: Oh, it's gonna be easier than you think, bro. Yeah. I've been reading your blog for years. You are like a God to me. That's why tonight is going to be legendary... wait for it... dary.
Barney: Oh, okay, Randy, let's do this. (Barney wants to pick up two young woman)
Randy: Ok.
Barney: You ready?
Randy: Yes. (Barney starts walking and Randy holds Barney by the arm) No, no, no, no, no, no!
Barney: What? What's the matter?
Randy: Nothing, let's do this. (Barney starts walking and Randy holds Barney by the arm) No, no, no, no, no, please, please, please! Just wait, just wait, just wait, just wait!
Barney: Randy what are you doing?
Randy: Dripping with game, that's what i'm doing. Okay let's go. No. Yes. No! Randy listen to me: you can do this okay? Ok. I don't know. Are thos girls really that hot? Yes, they're hot. Let's do this. Okay!
Barney: (Finally Randy is ready, so Barney goes talking to the girls) Hey, laddies. Have you met... (He points the finger towards Randy and turns around. But Randy hid under a table.)
[The Apartment - Ted]
(Somebody knocks at the door. He opens. It is Stella)
Ted: Hey.
Stella: Hey.
(She comes in the apartment and Ted kiss her)
Ted: So, here's the plan. Take a horse-drawn carriage through the park, and it just so happens the Philharmonic is playing an open-air...
Stella: Ted. Five years.
Ted: Straight to the hotel?
Stella: Straight to the hotel.
Ted: I'll get my bag. (Ted go to his bedroom)
(Marshall and Lily come in the apartment)
Stella: Hey, guys.
Lily: Hey.
Marshall: Hey. So, uh, looking forward to tonight?
Stella: Yeah. Definitly. It's been such a long time since I've had a night out.
Lily: Yeah. We heard. I would explode if it had been that long since I had a "night out".
Marshall: This one wakes me up at 4am sometimes just to have a little night out.
Stella: Um, what are you guys talking about?
Lily: Nothing. Pizza. What are you talking about?
(Ted comes back)
Ted: Hey guys.
Stella: Ted, you told them, didn't you?
Ted: Told them what?
Stella: You told them that I haven't had sex in five years. (She seems embarrassing)
Marshall: You haven't had sex in five years??!! That is a shocking revelation that we're just finding out right now!
(Marshall and Lily are not any more there. Ted and Stella are alone.)
Ted: Stella, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told them. But they're my best friends. I tell them everything. I-I didn't even think about it.
Stella: Ted, that was so personal. Plus, now your friends think I'm a freak.
Ted: No, they don't.
Stella: Look, I realize it's weird, okay? Not many people go five years without having sex.
[The Bar - Barney/Randy]
Barney: 13 years??!!
Randy: I peaked really young.
[The Apartment - Ted/Stella]
Stella: That's why it was difficult for me to tell you. But I did tell you because I thought that I could trust you.
Ted: You can trust me.
Stella: Obviously, I can't. You know there's always a reason not to sleep with a guy, and you just gave me yours.
Ted: Wait, did I gave you a reason or were you looking for one?
Stella: Why would be looking for one?
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x18 - Rebound Bro"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, in the spring of 2008 something kind of strange have been happening to your uncle Barney. He's been doing great with a woman.
At the Bar
Barney: So I threw the pressure air oxygen into its mouth. I sh**t the t*nk, boo, nomore shark. Mr. Hall and I swam back to shore. Hey,let me serve you a drink.
Ted from 2030: He's only been gone a few moments but when he return...
Barney: So where were we?
Ted from 2030:...he gets slap! It kept happening...
(The woman slaps him.)
Woman: Jerk!
[FLASHBACK]
A woman slaps Barney, at a pet shop, then at the museum, and at the hardware store.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted from 2030: Until finally Lily was approached by a mysterious woman who wants her stay away from Barney...so when it happened once more...
Barney: Again? Really? Wait...
Ted from 2030: Barney knew who to look for...
Barney: Hey, excuse me. Did I sleep with you and then totally screw you over?
Woman: No.
Barney: What are you doing on Friday?
(He runs after another woman, who just climbed into a cab.)
Barney: Stop! Amy?
Abby: Abby.
Barney: Riiiggghhhttt!!!
[OPENING CREDITS]
Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes you can do something right a thousand times in a row...
In Lily's class
Lily: A rainbow! That's beautiful! What a beautiful rainbow! Another rainbow? It's beautiful!
Ted from 2030: But then, that thousand-and-first time...
Lily: You're kidding me. Seriously, aren't you sick of these things?
At the appartment
Ted: Hey, how was your day?
Lily: Today, I yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow.
Ted: A rainbow? Sounds like that bitch had it coming.
(Marshall arrives)
Marshall: So, uh, I just met with the contractor. and it turns out, that fixing the floors of the new apartment is going to cost a lot more than the estimate.
Lily: But we can barely afford that to begin with.
Marshall: I hate to say this, but I think you're going to have to sell your stuff.
Lily: Whoa! Marshall, that's just a game we play in the bedroom.
Marshall: I mean your clothes. All those designer pieces and everything.
Lily: What? Why just my clothes?
Marshall: We can sell my stuff, too, but I got to tell you, I think your Marc Jacobs cocktail dress is going to go for a lot more than my "Split Happens" bowling shirt.
Ted: Dude.
Marshall: I'm not selling that. I've already made the Website.
Lily: You made a Website?
Marshall: Yeah, it's called "Lily-and-Marshall-sell- their-stuff-dot-com."
Lily: No, you know what would be a better name for the site? Guy-forces-his-wife- to-dress-in-a-garbage-bag- for-the-next- three-years-dot-com. That's real.
Marshall: I'm worried. That woman is actually wearing a-a garbage bag.
Lily: Hmm, but, girlfriend, you cannot pull off a tall kitchen.
In the cab
Barney: Why are you trying to ruin my life?
Abby: Well, you slept with me and then you never called me again.
Barney: And?
Abby: That's it.
Barney: That's it? As far as I'm concerned, if I leave you safe on dry land with adequate transportation home, you've got nothing to complain about.
Abby: Well, it hurt, okay? And then Ted, the love of my life started dating my boss instead of me. Do you know how that feels?
Barney: Oh, boo-hoo, poor little Ashley.
Abby: Abby!
Barney: Abby. A few weeks ago, Ted dumped me as his wingman. You had a crush on him for a couple weeks? I was Ted's best friend for seven years.
Abby: Ted said Marshall was his best friend.
Barney: Seven years!
Abby: Sorry.
Barney: Ted. What an idiot. With his stupid "meaningful relationship" with Stella.
Abby: I hate Ted.
Barney: I hate Ted more.
Abby: Are you as turned on as I am?
Barney: Probably not quite as much.
(Later, they are both in bed...)
Abby: I'm sorry I yelled out "Ted."
Barney: I'm sorry I yelled out "Abby."
Abby: I am Abby.
Barney: Oh, cool.
At the apartment
Ted: This is insane. Has Lily even worn half this stuff?
Robin: Oh, yeah, like there's nothing in your closet you've never worn?
Ted: As a matter of fact, no, there isn't.
Robin: Whatever, red cowboy boots.
Ted: Those are nice boots. I totally pull those off.
Marshall: Hey, Lil, if I were to say "Ted could never pull them off," What would I be talking about?
Robin: His red cowboy boots.
Ted: I totally pull them off! It's a classic Western look.
Marshall: Oh, okay, uh, today's category: classic Westerns that involve red cowboy boots. Ooh, ooh! Robin.
Robin: "The Good, the Bad, and the Fabulous."
Lily: "The Magnificent Kevin."
Marshall: "No Country for Straight Men."
Lily: I don't want to sell my clothes!
Robin: Oh, I know, sweetie. Come here. Is this a hundred percent silk?
Marshall: Lily,listen, we really need the money. I have some leads on a job, but until then, I just... I don't know what else we can do.
Lily: I'll sell my paintings!
Marshall: What?
Lily: Yeah, I'll sell my paintings. Good oil paintings go for like, $500.
Marshall: Yeah. Totally. But...
Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes you can do something right a thousand times in a row...
[FLASHBACK]
Lily shows her paintings to Marshall)
Marshall: I love it. It's a masterpiece. That's it. We're selling the TV. I just want to come home and stare at this all day. Aw. Somebody call the cops! My wife stole an awesome painting from the museum!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted from 2030: But then, that thousand-and-first time...
Marshall:...that kind of money only goes for real paintings.
Lily: What does that mean?
Marshall: Look, it just, it just means that-that we need money right now and I'm not sure that selling your paintings is-is how we're going to get it.
Lily: You don't believe in me.
Marshall: No, wait, wait! Of c... of course I believe in you!
Lily: Marshall, I am proud of my work as an artist. My paintings are good. I bet Robin would buy one. What now?
Marshall: I love your painting, I just... I'm trying to be realistic.
Lily: Well, how much money do we need for the contractor to finish the job?
Marshall: About 1,500 bucks.
Lily: Okay. So, if I can sell three of my paintings at 500 bucks a pop, then I get to keep all my clothes.
Marshall: Babe, we need money fast.
Lily: Well, give me a week.
Marshall: Okay, a-a week.
Lily: Fine.
Marshall: Fine.
(Ted comes out of his room, with the red boots on.)
Ted: Pulling... Them... Off.
Ted from 2030: Lily's first move on a great art challenge of 2008 was to display one of her favorite paintings at her friend's gallery. The night didn't go so well. But then at the last minute...
Woman: I love it.
Lily: You do?
Woman: Yeah, your top. It's gorgeous. Is that 100% silk?
Lily: It's not for sale! My clothes are not for sale!
Ted from 2030: So the next day, Lily took her painting to a coffee house that displayed local artists.
Lily: We've been sitting here for hours and nobody's even glanced at my painting. Come on. Let's start talking it up.
Robin: Wow! I really like that painting! It's neat! The-the colors are neat. The-the shapes are neat. It's really just... neat. What?
Ted: Observe. I think there's a dynamic quality to the brushwork that, combined with the fluid composition, creates an almost Kandinsky-like emotional resonance.
Robin: Yes, and you can still enjoy it even if you're not a pretentious douche.
Ted: Can you clarify something for me about your critique? Are the colors "neat" or are they more "neato burrito?"
Robin: Uh, then again, red cowboy boots.
Ted: I pull these off! (Everyone is laughing at him) I pull these off!
In bed...
Abby: You know what I hate most about Ted?
Barney: What?
Abby: His stupid hair. His stupid, lame awesome hair. It's so stupid and awesome.
Barney: You know what I hate most about Ted?
Abby: What?
Barney: How he's always like, "Oh, I want to fall in love and have a relationship. I care about the people I have sex with." He's so lame.
Abby: He's so lame and awesome.
Barney: You know what he needs? He needs to see just how horrible he is when he's in a relationship.
Abby: Yeah, and I need to show Ted that I'm over him. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Barney: I think so.
Abby: You're thinking of having sex with Ted?
Ted from 2030: After four days without selling a single painting, Lily was getting desperate.
In the street
Lily: Painting for sale! $500! Lifelong dream hanging in the balance! It's like they don't even see us.
Man: Yeah, we're dirt to them. What do you need money for?
Lily: Oh, I'm trying to fix the hardwood floors in my new apartment. You?
Man: Heroin.
Lily: Do you like heroin?
Man: Love it. In fact, if you sell that, I'm going to take your money and go buy some more heroin.
Lily: Thanks for your honesty, Crazy Sock Guy. Oh, I'm never gonna sell this...
Man: It's not very good.
Ted from 2030: And just as she was about to lose all hope, something amazing happened.
Man: 2 Oh, my God!
At the Bar
(Lily arrives)
Lily: 500 bucks! Who's a real painter now, Marshall?
Marshall: Honey, I never said you weren't a real painter.
Lily: Oh, I know, sweetie. And since I'm a professional artist now, I'm going to sketch you an Aldrin original, you know, to say thanks for being such a supportive husband. I'm thinking about calling it... "Suck It!"
Marshall: Lily, come on. I'm proud of you. Who-who bought it?
Lily: Well, that's the best part. A gay couple without kids. A G-CWOK!
Ted: You bagged a G-CWOK?!
Lily: Yeah, that's right. They are the heart and soul of the art-buying community.
Ted: You know what you should do? You should call up the G-CWOKs and offer them a free painting if they throw a private art party for all their G-CWOK friends.
Lily: That's an amazing idea. I'm going to go call them. I can probably sell two more paintings with time to spare. Oh, wait, Marshall. There was something I had to tell you. What was it? Oh, that's right. Suck it.
(Barney and Abby arrives as Lily is leaving)
Barney: Ted, fancy bumping into you here. Have you guys met my girlfriend Abby?
Ted: Uh, yeah.
Barney: Hi, Abby.
Ted: Hello, Abby. So, uh, s-so you guys are dating now?
Barney: That's right. I am done with this whole being awesome thing. Now I'm all about farmers' markets and day hikes in matching khaki cargo shorts. Isn't that right, sweetie?
Abby: That's right. And girlfriends are lame. Unless they're me. I miss you, Ted.
Barney: Abby and I are in love. Not hot passionate love. Couple love. You know, movie night with my girlfriend, then waiting for her to go to bed so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy by the cold, blue light of my computer monitor.
Abby: We're showing Ted how lame he is.
Barney: You don't have to say it, though.
Ted: Uh, okay, Barney, you can stop.
Barney: Stop what, Ted? Stop being in love? Next he'll ask us to stop breathing.
Abby: We can't stop breathing, Ted. Your hair looks amazing.
Ted: Um, Barney, I, I see what you're doing. Please stop.
Barney: Not before I share with you what being in a relationship leads to, Ted. Abby, Pookie Bear... I am so pathetically desperate for you that... aw, heck, I'll just say it. Would you marry me?
Abby: Wait, really?
Barney: I would never joke about true love.
Abby: Yes, I'll marry you.
Barney: Okay.
Abby: Thank you, thank you. I have to call my mom.
Barney: That's you.
Ted: Uh, yeah, I don't think Abby knows you're kidding.
Barney: Uh, yes, she does.
Abby: It finally happened, Mama. I just wish Daddy were alive to walk me down the aisle.
Barney: Totally committed to the bit.
Lily's on the phone
Lily: Yes, Lily Aldrin. I sold you the painting earlier today.
Man 2: Oh, honey, hello.
Lily: You sound happy.
Man 2: Are you kidding? We're popping the champagne right now.
Lily: Well, I just wanted to offer you an exclusive chance to view some of my other paintings.
Man 2: Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, oh, I guess I should have told you. We just bought that for the frame.
Lily: What?
Man 2: Yeah, it's an original Anton Kreutzer, a very rare frame from the turn of the century.
Lily: So... y-you didn't like my painting?
Man 2: Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, no, not at all. But you know, good for you.
Lily: Okay. Well, if you didn't want the painting, can I... can I at least get it back?
Man 2: Yeah, no, we don't have it anymore.
Lily: Where is it? I see. H-He threw out my painting.
Man 2: Champagne for everyone on me, the happiest guy in the world.
At the apartment
Lily: This is great. My dream of becoming an artist is d*ad, and now I'm watching my wardrobe disappear piece by piece. There goes my favorite dress. This dress meant a lot to me.
Robin: Really?
Lily: Yeah. It was spring of 2004 and I had been having a hard few months.
[FLSHBACK]
Lily is walking up the street, a man looks at her.
Man: Da-amn.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: I got a two-syllable "damn" in this dress.
Robin: A two-syllable "damn." That's the dream.
Lily: Yeah. Now she belongs to... CanadaGirl(a)MetroNewsOne.com.
Robin: It's still in the family.
(Marshall and Ted arrive)
Marshall: Lily, you're not going to believe this. Something amazing happened.
Lily: What?
Marshall: I went to the G-CWOK's apartment.
Lily: Really? Why?
Marshall: Because I felt guilty. This auction was my idea and now you've had to sit around all day while a bunch of vultures ruthlessly pick apart the carcass of your wardrobe.
Robin: It's still in the family.
Marshall: And more importantly, I honestly love that painting and I couldn't stand to think of it in a trashcan someplace.
Lily: Well, what happened?
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall and Ted arrive at the G-CWOK's apartment.
Man 2: Well, hello.
Marshall: Hi, um... Lawrence. I-I'm here about the painting my wife Lily solyou-- the one in the nice frame.
Lawrence: Talk about a nice frame. My, my, you are a big one, aren't you? And you're married to that little bit of a thing. How does that work? I'd like to find out.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Yeah, we get it. Gay guys like you.
Marshall: No, Lily, they love me, but that's not the important part.
Ted: Here's the important part.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Since you're clearly a man of impeccable taste and style, I-I came down here to ask you: what do you think of the boots?
Lawrence: Walter. Boots.
Walter: Pulling... Them.... Off.
Ted: I'll be in the cab.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: G-CWOK-approved.
Lily: The painting!
Marshall: Right, so, um, they told me they threw it in the building's Dumpster.
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: It wasn't in there, but the super told me that he'd seen one Dr. Greer-- a veterinarian who works in the building-- take the painting out of the trash.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Dr. Greer? Who's Dr. Greer a-and why did he take my painting?
Marshall: You're about to find out.
At the vet
Dr Greer: I had to make a trash run. Been a busy day-- lots of neuterings.
Lily: Ooh, we don't need the details.
Dr Greer: Oh, n-n-no, it's not what you think. Oh, thank God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, mostly just dog testicles.
[FLASHBACK]
Dr Greer: Anyway... I noticed your painting just sitting right there on top and I thought, "Hey,free painting," so I brought it upstairs and hung it up in Exam Room 3, and then the strangest thing happened. Hey, Muffin. Whoa, I think he remembers me from the last time he was here. Take Muffin to Exam Room 3. I'll meet you there. I went in, expecting the worst. I'd never seen Muffin that calm, and then a little later the same thing happened again with Tidbit... and King Larry... and again with the Weinstein triplets.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Dr Greer: Something about your art speaks to the canine sensibility on a very primal level.
Lily: Really? Dogs like my paintings?
Dr Greer: Yeah. But you know who it bums out? Birds. Yeah. Had a parrot in there today. He took one look at it, pried open his cage, flew right into the ceiling fan.
Marshall: Anyway, because your first painting worked so well, I convinced Dr. Greer to buy four more.
Lily: Really?
Marshall: Mm-hmm, at $500 a piece.
Lily: That's two grand. That's more than we need for the contractor.
Marshall: Yeah, but I was actually thinking we could reinvest it.
Lily: In what?
Marshall: In you.
At the apartment
Ted from 2030: Marshall explained that he was building a fancy new Web site specifically to sell Lily's artwork to veterinarians.
Lily: Well, it's not exactly the clientele I had in mind, but... thank you for believing in me.
(They kiss; a bird crashes into their window)
Marshall: Man, birds do not get you.
At Abby's
Abby: Hi, sweetie.
Barney: Hey, I think I left my tie here. Have you seen it?
Abby: No, I'm in wedding-planning mode. Stressville. Population: me. Okay, big decision. What do you think the cake should be: Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss?
Barney: Yeah, that was a bit. We were doing a bit.
Abby: So I'm thinking Labor Day. I was going to say Fourth of July, but I don't want to steal any attention away from America.
Barney: Abby, I've... I've got some bad news. I can't marry you.
Abby: What?
Barney: Ted begged me not to. I think he's in love with you.
Abby: Really?
Barney: Yes, our plan worked better than we ever dreamed. You have to go to him. Here's his home address. But you know what? He works late, so I wouldn't go before 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.
Abby: Oh, my God, thank you. But now I feel wrong keeping this.
Barney: Oh, yeah, I wouldn't worry about that. That's made of candy. Later.
Marshall: Hey, go to lilyandmarshallselltheirstuff.com or charityfolks.com.
Lily: We're having an auction to rise money for the children's hospital of Los Angeles
Marshall: You could get tons of cool stuff on the sell and they all use for great cause.
Lily & Marshall: Thanks.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x19 - Everything Must Go"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted(2030): Kids, there is something I wish my dad told me. The longest pause you will ever experience in your life is the one that follows asking the question...
Ted is in a playroom with Stella...
Ted: Will you marry me?
Ted(2030): Your brain goes into overdrive, imaging every possible response.
Stella: No.
Stella: Oh, God, no.
Stella: You want me to marry..(laughing).No.
Stella: Oh, I'm sorry, Ted. I can't. Mark Johnson, the quarterback from your high school football team, already asked me.
Mark Johnson: What's up, Turd?
Ted: It's Ted!
Ted (2030): But if you're lucky, she may answer with the single greatest word in the English language.
Stella: Yes.
CREDITS
Ted (2030): Stella and I spent that summer happily engaged. Marshall was still coping with unemployment.
Marshall to lily: What are you doing?
Ted(2030): Lily threw herself into her painting.
Marshall to Barney: What are you doing?
Ted(2030): Barney was rehabilitating from his bus accident.
Marshall to himself: What are you doing?
Ted(2030): And well, Marshall just kept coping with unemployment.
Marshall to Robin: What are you doing?
Ted(2030): And Robin continued to uphold the high journalistic standards of Metro News 1.
Robin: Is your favorite brand of dental floss poisoning your entire family? Tune in at 11:00 for the shocking... Tooth.
At the bar...
Robin: Okay, I officially hate my job. I'm not a reporter, I'm just someone who shows up at night and scares people. I'm the bogeyman with a teleprompter.
Barney: "Bogeyman with a teleprompter." That's hilarious! Great joke, Robin, great joke.
Lily: Barney, no offense to Robin, but that wasn't that funny.
Barney: Are you kidding? That was a great joke. It's smart, funny, beautiful, the whole package. It's everything you're afraid to let yourself want. In a joke. "Bogeyman with a teleprompter." Classic.
Lily is at Barney's apartment...
Lily: Okay, what is so urgent that you called me and begged me to come over at 7:22 in the morning?
Barney: I could tell you knew something was up with me, and you're right. But I can't tell you what it is. I should tell you, but I can't! I have to. I never will! I'm going to. Let's just drop it. What's up with you?
Lily: Barney, just say it.
Barney: I think I'm in love with Robin.
At the apartment...
Marshall: Hey, Lily needs some gift ideas for Stella's wedding shower. Does she like to cook?
Ted: Actually, I don't know.
Marshall: What's her favorite color?
Ted: Don't know that either.
Marshall: Well, does she have any hobbies?
Ted: Yes. She's exactly the kind of person who would have hobbies. And interests, too. I am one lucky son of a bitch.
Marshall: Dude, you don't know anything about the woman you're marrying.
Ted: What? You're crazy! I know plenty.
Marshall: What color are her eyes?
Ted: The color of the ocean after a storm.
Marshall: Which is?
Ted: Beautiful.
At Barney's apartment...
Lily: I don't believe it. I thought you called me over here to uncuff you from your sex swing again, but you're in love? That is so sweet!
Barney: It's not "sweet." It's like a disease. I slept with Robin one time and I caught feelings. I caught feelings bad. I used protection and everything.
Lily: Barney, you don't "catch" feelings, you just have them. And they're good.
Barney: They're terrible! I can't eat, I can't sleep. She's all I think about. I close my eyes, I see Robin. I, I hear a song; it reminds me of Robin.
Girl: Morning.
Barney: I sleep with that chick, I'm thinking about Robin.
At the apartment...
Ted: Okay, so I don't know every single detail about Stella. What's really about? Do you not like her or something?
Marshall: No, Ted, I like Stella a lot. She's a Mets fan.
Ted: Really?
Marshall: It's just that everything with you has moved so fast. You've only known each other a few months. Don't you think maybe you should slow things down a little bit? Get to know each other better?
Ted: I'll have a whole life time to get to know her better. Right now, I know the one thing that I have to: that I love her.
At Barney's apartment...
Lily: You love her? Barney, how can you be in love, and still be sleeping with anything that moves?
Barney: I'm sorry, I don't follow you. That's like saying, "How can an ant carry "20 times its body weight, but root beer floats are still delicious?" Are the two even related? Really?
Lily: Barney, you're going to have to stop screwing around if you want to be Robin's boyfriend.
Barney: "Boyfriend"? I don't want to be Robin's boyfriend.
Lily: Well, what do you want, then?
Barney: I don't know. I just want to be with her. All the time. I want to hear about her day and tell her about mine. I want to hold her hand and smell her hair. But I don't want to be her stupid boyfriend.
Lily: Barney, what you just described is a relationship between a boyfriend and a girlfriend. And a pretty clingy one at that.
Barney: Look, Lily, are you going to help me out with this or not?
Lily: I'm a kindergarten teacher. I see a confused, little kid in the corner trying to eat the lefty scissors, I gotta help the poor, little bastard. But only if you stop sleeping around. Deal?
Barney: Deal.
At Metro News One...
Robin: Coming up next, is your local ice cream man actually driving a roving meth lab on wheels? Stay tuned for the full... Scoop. Really?
At the apartment, Ted and Stella are eating...
Stella: I know dudes think it's girlie for a guy to cook, but us ladies? We find it mighty sexy.
Ted: Really? You know... My grandma taught me how.
Stella: Oh, yeah, she did.
Ted: Yeah. I had a lot of time after school to watch her cook because I wasn't good at sports.
Stella: I'm on f*re right now. Delicious. What's in this pesto?
Ted: Oh, you know, the usual: basil, garlic, olive oil, but can you guess my secret ingredient?
Stella: Peanuts.
Ted: Yes. How did you know that?
Stella falls of her stair... A few moments later...
Ted: OK, let me think, what else?
Stella: You know what, sweetie? I woke up so early and I had a really long day at work. And there was that whole thing where you tried to k*ll me. Can we please just go to sleep?
Ted: No, I clearly need to know more about you. Let's do firsts. First kiss?
Stella: Dale Harris, second grade. You're talking like peck on the cheek or a full-on passionate making out?
Ted. Passionate making out.
Stella: OK, yeah, Dale Harris, second grade.
Ted: First time you had sex.
Stella: Dale Harris, second...
Ted: Stop it.
Stella: Billy Devito, h*m* year of college.
Ted: Prude. Molly McKenzie, junior year of high school.
Stella: Slut.
At Barney's apartment...
Lily: Robin just needs to see this new see of you.
Barney: So just call her up?
Lily: Just call her up.
Barney (on the phone): Hi, Robin..(he jabbers something and hang up) She wasn't there. I left a voice mail.
Lily: You left a voice, but it wasn't male. Barney, I don't get it. You've called a million girls a million times.
Barney: Yeah, but those were just booty calls.
Flashback.
21h03. Barney's at the bar and calls someone...
Barney (present): On a booty call, you barely even have to talk. Around 9:00 p.m., you say...
Barney: Hey, baby, it's Barney. You busy tonight? Sweet. See you in half an hour? Can't wait.
Barney (present): But the later it gets, the fewer words you need.
Barney (on the phone) Barney. Busy? Sweet.
Barney (present): And by 3:00 in the morning...
The screan of Barney's phone shows a question mark followed by an exclamation mark.
Barney: Sweet.
End of flashback.
Lily: A question mark? You got laid off a question mark?
Barney: It's no worse than your super-obvious code words.
Flashback. At the bar...
Lily: Rhinoceros.
Marshall: We have to go.
End of flashback.
Lily: Great. Now we need a new code word.
Barney's phone rings
Barney: Ah, ah, it's her, it's Robin. What do I do? No-no-no-no, aah! Robin... Great to hear from you. To what do I owe the pleasure?
Robin: You called, said..., and hung up. What do you want?
Barney (to lily): Help me!
Lily: Just ask her something.
Barney: How are you feeling today?
Robin: Fine.
Lily: Something personal.
Barney: At what age did you first get your period?
Robin: Did you just ask me about about my period?
Barney: No, I did not.
Robin: Look, Barney, I'm at work right now.
Lily: Just ask her out.
Barney: Robin, I was wondering if... Nothing. Gotta go. Bye. That was just a practical joke. I'm not really in love with Robin. You should've seen the look on your face. There's cameras right there and there and there. What a legendary prank that we're never going to speak of again.
Lily looks and sees that there really is a camera...
Lily: Gross.
At the apartment
Ted: First movie you ever saw.
Stella: Benji,1981. I watched it recently with Lucy and I just thought, "Oh, that dog is so d*ad right now." What about you?
Ted: My dad took me to an old drive-in to see the original Star Wars.
Stella: You know, I've actually never seen Star Wars.
Marshall and Ted are at the bar...
Marshall: She's never seen Star Wars?! Ted, the only people in the universe who haven't seen Star Wars are the characters, and that's 'cause they lived them. That's 'cause they lived theStar Wars.
Ted: You've got to calm down.
Marshall: I told you. You didn't know this girl well enough. What if... you show it to her, she doesn't like it?
Ted: Dude, it's just a movie.
Marshall: Star Wars is your all-time favorite movie, and whether or not Stella likes it is actually important. It's like, it's a test of how compatible you guys are.
Ted: It's just a movie. It's just a movie!
121 awesome minutes later...
Ted: If Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her.
Marshall: You can't.
Ted: You want to watch it again?
Marshall: I do.
Barney and Lily are at the restaurant. Robin's already there...
Barney: Where are the boys? I thought this was a group thing.
Lily: I lied. They're not coming and I'm about to leave.
Barney: Why?
Lily: Because... they're not in love with Robin, and neither am I. I mean, she's great and sweet. I'm not going to pretend that I haven't noticed her body, but this is off topic. Good luck.
Barney: Wait, wait, I can't do this. She'll never take me seriously. She thinks I'm some womanizing idiot.
Lily: We both know you're more than that. Show Robin the Barney I met the other day.
Barney: You mean the insecure, touchy-feely she-male who sounded alarmingly close to Ted?
Lily: Ted h*t that for over a year.
Barney: Wish me luck.
Barney goes to the table where Robin is. At Ted's apartment...
Ted: I just thought it'd be fun to watch a movie tonight, and since you've never seen Star Wars, I figured why not? No big deal. It's pretty good.
Stella: Sounds like a plan. I'm gonna grab a beer. You want one?
Ted: The movie's already started, so...
Stella: It's some words flying through space. I'm not going to read that anyway.
Ted: Oh, my God. Marshall appears behind the couch.
Marshall: Off to a bad start.
Ted: What are you doing down there?
Marshall: I'm making sure my best friend is marrying the right woman. That's what I'm doing.
Ted: What are you doing, hiding behind the couch? You need to get a job.
Marshall: I really do, don't I?
At the restaurant...
Barney: So, Robin... tell me about your day, and not just what happened, how you felt about what happened.
Robin: What?
Barney: I'm not looking to problem-solve, I'm just looking to listen.
Robin: Why are you acting like this?
Barney: Like what?
Robin: You're being super nice. It's... freaking me out. Be... gross, be inappropriate. Be Barney.
Barney: I'm being Barney, and I think tonight's going to be de... wait for it... lightful. Delightful.
Robin: Right. So I went to the chiropractor yesterday. That guy bent me over the table and pounded me for a good hour.
Barney: Is insurance going to cover that? Sometimes they don't.
Robin: That's it? Today I was at the dentist. That guy drilled me all day long. He drilled me hard. He filled all of my cavities. Come on, man.
Barney: Your teeth look fantastic.
Robin: Who are you?
At the apartment...
Stella: What?
Ted: Nothing.
Stella: You were staring at me.
Ted: You look really beautiful tonight.
Stella: You don't look so bad yourself, mister. She kisses him on the neck
Ted: Great scene, great scene. Star Wars fun fact number seven... George Lucas based the film's structure on Akira Kurosawa's The Hidden Fortress. He also owes a debt to Campbell's work with comparative mythology.
Stella: Yeah, Ted, I'm losing wood over here. What's going on?
Ted: Nothing.
Stella: Wait, it's really important to you that I like this movie, isn't it? I'm not gonna like it with you staring at me the whole time. Go to your room and I will come get you when it's over. Go.
Ted goes to his room. Marshall stands up from behind the couch which scares Stella and makes her drop the popcorn.
Marshall: Should I leave, too?
Ted: What part, what part?
At the restaurant, the waitress leans over to pour the wine and shows her cleavage to Barney, but he leans over and looks at Robin.
Barney: Thanks.
Robin: Nothing? Not even a glance? Even I was thinking about rocking a motorboat on those bad boys. What the hell is wrong with you?
Barney: I don't always want to be that guy. Sometimes I want to be someone you can have an actual conversation with. Now, tell me something about you that I don't know yet. Seriously.
Robin: There's a job opening at a new cable network that would be perfect for me... completely legit world news, interviews with people who matter... but I decided I'm not going to apply.
Barney: Why not?
Robin: Because I'm a joke. I'm just the scary news lady from some stupid local news channel.
Barney: We both know you're more than that. Promise me you'll apply.
Robin: It's not as easy...
Barney: Promise me you'll apply.
Robin: I promise.
Ted and Marshall are in Ted's room.
Marshall: She's up to the scene where Luke, Leia, Han and Chewy escape from the Death Star's trash compactor.
Ted: Great scene.
Marshall: Great scene! Okay, we should have just heard... but Stella didn't make a peep.
Ted: I'm gonna take a look. She's not even watching. She's texting.
Marshall: I'll tell her you still want to be friends.
Ted: I don't believe this. I believe, she knows this is important to me. She's blatantly...(Ted looks at his phone) "Stop watching me, jackasses."
At the restaurant.
Barney: To taking chances.
Robin: To taking chances.
Barney: You know, Robin, there's actually something, I do want to talk to you about.
Barman: Last call.
Barney: Of course it is. One more for the road?
Robin: Yeah, why not? Hold that thought?
Barney ; I will.
Ted and Marshall are in the room. Stella comes in.
Stella: I loved it.
Ted: Yes! I am marrying a woman who is not only hot but loves Star Wars. That's the dream.
Stella: What was that?
Ted: I was high-fiving 15-Year-Old Me through the space-time continuum. We did it. We did it, you masturbating little bastard. Champagne for everybody. Ted leaves the room.
Stella: It was so good.
Marshall: You hated it, didn't you?
Stella: It's so stupid. First of all, how do they understand that walking bear they hang around with all the time?
Marshall: Wookiee.
Stella: He goes nin nin nin... They're all like, "That's a good point, Bear, "let's try that."
Marshall: He's a Wookiee, and his kind is actually more intelligent than they appear. That is Ted's favorite movie of all time. He watches it when he's home sick with the flu. He watches it on rainy Sunday afternoons in the fall. He watches it on Christmas Eve. Ted watches Star Wars in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. Do you really think that you can pretend to like a movie that you actually hate for the rest of your life?
Stella: I do.
Marshall: Then, Ted's a lucky guy. Bear.
At the restaurant. Robin comes back and Barney has two glasses.
Barney: So, here's the deal.
Robin: April, have... you met Barney? April just finished her shift, she's looking to blow off some steam.
Barney: Would you excuse us for one sec? What are you doing?
Robin: You were so nice to me tonight, I wanted to return the favor, wingwoman-style. So, as I was saying, Barney is the Yankees' new second-baseman. And Barney, April asked if tomorrow, you could h*t a goal for her during the baseball match. You can't make this stuff up. So, you two kids have fun.
April: So are you... nervous about the game?
Barney: Yeah, I'm nervous for the other team 'cause when I step up to that plate... I am not a New York Yankee. Any other night, I would probably try to convince you that I am, but I'm not. I'm just some guy who's in love with the girl that just left, and she's never going to feel the same way. So I'm just going to go.
Lily's at Barney's apartment.
Barney: And that was it.
Lily: I'm so sorry, Barney. You can't give up. You know, it may take some time, but once Robin sees the new you...
April: When my family gets to Yankee Stadium, are the tickets under your name or mine?
Barney: My name, and tell your nephews to bring their mitts. They're going to be in foul ball country. Come on. The Robin stuff was completely true.
Lily: Damn it, Barney. I mean, for the last time, you can't... you can't be in love with Robin and still be sleeping with every bimbo on the planet. You have to choose right now.
Barney: I choose bimbos.
Lily: What?
Barney: Bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive. Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man. This whole thing with Robin was just a fling, but at the end of the day, my heart belongs to bimbos.
Lily: This is just a defense mechanism, because you're afraid of getting hurt. You're just confused.
Barney: Oh, I'm not confused. You know who is confused? Bimbos. They're easily confused. It's one of the thousand little things I love about them. I love their vacant, trusting stares, their sluggish, unencumbered minds, their unresolved daddy issues. I love them and they love me. Bimbos have always been there for me, through thick and thin. Mostly thin. B- man don't do thick crust. What up?
Lily: See you, Barney.
Lily leaves the apartment. Barney turns on the TV and watches Robin on Metro News One. The turns it off.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x01 - Do I Know You?"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: When I first moved to New York, it was dingy, disgusting, ugly, flea-ridden, stinky and altogether terrifying, but then, sadly. The whole city started to go uphill. The streets got a little cleaner, the rents got a little higher, and one by one, the crappy old places we loved began to disappear. The Elbow Room, an old punk rock club, became a drugstore. McHale's, a working-class watering hole, became a fast-food place. And Fez, a Moroccan-themed lounge, became a bank. And not just any bank.
At Ted and Marshall's apartment
Barney: Goliath National Bank. The world leader in credit and banking. God, I love Goliath National Bank!
Ted: Okay, first of all, you look like the last pick in the draft. And, second, why are you so excited about some bank?
Barney: Our company just bought them out in a ruthless takeover. Took two months. Cost 2,000 jobs. It was brutal. Who wants a T-shirt? (He throws one to Ted.) Hey, Marshall, they're hiring in the legal department. I could get you a job.
Lily: Barney, Marshall didn't quit his last soul-sucking corporate job just to go work at a bank. He's gonna be an environmental lawyer.
Ted from 2030: That was the plan, anyway. (We can see Marshall in front of the mirror of the bathroom.) Over the next few weeks, Marshall went on a lot of interviews.
Marshall (to the mirror): You are confident, you are energetic, you are focused!
Ted from 2030: A lot of interviews.
Marshall(to the mirror): You are flexible on salary, you're willing to compromise, you're not gonna cry this time.
Ted from 2030: Too many interviews.
Marshall(to the mirror): You are sad, you are beaten down, you will get through this, come home, get in your big underpants and take a nap.
Ted from 2030: Which brings us to September 29, the night of the burger.
At McLaren's
Ted: So, what do you guys want to do for dinner?
Wendy: Oh, we just got a new cook. You have to try the burger, it's amazing.
Robin: Great, we'll take five of those.
Wendy (taking note): Five burgers.
Ted: Really? You want to eat here?
Robin: Yeah, I'm freaking starving. I just finished a seven-day cleanse.
Marshall: I thought you started that yesterday.
Robin: I finished early, OK? (To Wendy) Five of those.
Wendy: Five burgers.
Ted: Wait. What about sushi?
Lily: We had sushi last night.
Barney: Italian.
Ted: I had Italian for lunch.
Wendy: I can come back.
Robin: No. We always do this. We spend an hour arguing about where to eat, and we end up here anyway. I haven't eaten for two days. Can we please, for the love of God, just order something now?
Ted: Chinese?
Robin: Oh.
Barney: I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian?
Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian isn't Chinese.
Barney: Weird meats, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?
Ted: Mexican?
Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese.
Robin: God.
Credit title
Wendy serves everybody except Robin.
Wendy: Robin, yours will be right out.
Robin: Of course, mine comes last. Go ahead, start without me.
Everybody: Sweet! You shouldn't have. That's so kind of you.
Lily: My God. This burger is so good. It's like Christmas in my mouth, meat Christmas.
Ted: It's like an angel from heaven landed in the kitchen at MacLaren's. Where the chef k*lled it and ran it through the meat grinder.
Barney: I love this burger so much, I want to sew my ass shut.
Marshall: It's okay.
Everybody: Are you kidding me?
Marshall: Guys, guys, guys. When you've had the best burger in NY, every other burger tastes like my grandpa's feet. But you guys eat up, enjoy my grandpa's feet.
Robin: And you've had the best burger in New York?
Marshall: It was eight years ago, my first week in New York, and for a kid from Minnesota, the big city was a scary place.
[Flashback - Eight years earlier]
At Ted and Marshall's apartment
Marshall waits behind the door with a bat of baseball in hands. When Ted opens the door and is surprised by his friend.
Marshall: Oh, thank God it's just you.
Ted: You are being ridiculous. (Taking the bat.) Tell me, you left the apartment today?
Marshall: Why would I have to leave? I can have anything I want delivered, and New York City cable is awesome. Have you seen this public access show with the old Jewish lady in a bikini? (Laughing) It's disgusting.
Ted: Marshall, you have to get over this paranoia. You are not gonna get mugged.
Marshall: What if I do, Ted. I don't have a switchblade. I don't know how to break-dance and win the begrudging respect of a street g*ng.
Ted: That's it, you're taking a walk. Come on, go.
Marshall: No. Look, the old lady in a bikini is back on. I'm just gonna lie back and get comfortable.
Ted: Go outside, go, go.
Marshall: Okay. (He takes the bat discreetly.)
Ted: Leave the bat.
Marshall: Fine.
In the streets
Marshal: So I went for a walk in the big, scary city. And I discovered something amazing: it wasn't scary at all. All right. What's the word?
Man in the street (Distributing pamphlets): Your search is over!
Marshall: And then, right when I started to get a little hungry, I turned a corner...
[End of Flashback]
At McLaren's
Marshall: And there it was.
The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw, tucked between a taxidermist and a triple-X bookstore.
Barney: Name two places where things get stuffed.
Marshall: So, I went inside.
[Flashback - Eight years earlier]
Marshall voiceover: And I ordered the burger.
A man tattooed from head to foot brings him his plate.
Marshal: Thank you.
Marshall starts eating his burger. He feasts, and raises the head towards the wall. His glance settles on Regis Philbin's photo. Then, Marshall runs through streets, returns to the apartment.
There he wakes Ted.
Marshall: Ted, you got to wake up. Wake...
Ted is surprised and he hits Marshall with the bat.
Ted: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Marshall: I'm all right. Ted, I've just had the most amazing burger of my life! It's this awesome little place, Regis Philbin eats there, so it's sort of like a celebrity hot spot. But the burger. The burger. Dude.
Ted: I want one of those burgers right now! Do you think they're still open?
Marshall: I don't know. (Looking to his watch.) Does stuff in New York stay open past... 9:30?
Ted and Marshall are walking in the New York's streets.
Marshall voiceover: So we went out to get another burger. But after hours of searching...
Marshall (Raising hands in the sky.): Damn it! Where is this place?
[End of Flashback]
At McLaren's
Robin: You couldn't find it?
Ted: We didn't know our way around. Just getting back to the apartment took us three hours and one very helpful drag queen.
Marshall: Wait, Penny Noir was a drag queen?
Robin: Where do you think it was?
Lily: Probably tucked between her legs.
They laugh.
Barney: You know what's not a drag? Getting a home equity loan at Goliath National Bank. I'm just saying.
Marshall: Anyways, we never found the place. Now, eight years have passed, still... No burger.
A man who sat at the table behind them calls to Marshall.
Man: I couldn't help but overhear.
Marshall: Okay, here we go.
Man: I know the place you're talking about.
Marshall: No, you don't.
Man: It's a place called the Corner Bistro. Greatburger.
Marshall: Oh, the Corner Bistro! It's amazing, I spent a quarter of my life searching for the best burger in New York City, but silly me, it never occurred to me to check the highest-rated burger in the Zagat guide. Wow, thanks a lot, guy. Let me return the favor. Great cup of coffee: Starbucks.
Irritated, he makes him sign leave them quiet.
Robin: So I take it you've tried the Corner Bistro.
Marshall: Robin, I've tried every so-called best burger in New York City trying to find that burger. Or at least forget about her.
[Flashback]
Corner Bistro
Marshall and Lily are eating a burger. Lilly questions him of the glance, he shakes the head.
Paul's place
Marshall shakes the head.
21
He throws his burger to his plate.
Veggie Heaven
Marshall (getting up): We're going.
[End of Flashback]
At McLaren's
Marshall: But none of those places even came close.
Ted: There was that one time we thought we had a break in the case, remember?
[Flashback]
At Ted and Marshall's apartment
Barney: Get this. You know who works out at my gym? Regis Philbin.
Marshall (Watching Ted): The autographed picture.
At the gym
Regis Philbin (Lifting weights): Of course I remember the place. It was the best burger I ever had. I still have dreams about this burger. Beautiful, haunting dreams! I wake up at night screaming, "Get out of my head, burger! Get out!"
Marshall: That's the one, Mr. Philbin. Do you remember where it is?
Regis Philbin(He knocks in a bag of boxing.): No! I never wrote it down. But not a day goes by that I don't regret it. (To Marshall) Why? Why? Do you know where it is?
Marshall: No.
Regis Philbin (thr*at him with his fists.): And if you tell me it's at the Corner Bistro, I'm gonna smack you right in the face!
Barney: No. No, we don't know where it is.
Regis Philbin (Taking Barney by the collar): Listen, Blondie! Don't mess with me! Daddy needs his meat.
Barney: I don't know where it is, Regis, I swear!
Regis Philbin (To Marshall): What about you, Lurch? (To Ted) And what about you, satchel-mouth? (Giving a card to Barney) This is my cell. You find that burger; you call me day or night.
Barney: OK, Regis, we will, we will.
Regis Philbin:What are you waiting for? Get out and find the burger!
Barney: All right.
Regis Philbin: Let's go, all of you!
[End of flashback]
At McLaren's
Marshall: That's where my story ends. Now I'm doomed to walk the earth forever searching for that green door and that red neon sign that says "Burger."
Robin: Green door, red neon sign that says "Burger?"
Marshall: Yeah.
Robin: I know that place. I've walked by it a million times. It's on West 12th, right off of 7th.
Marshall: I knew it was on a numbered street!
Wendy gives to Robin her burger. Robin is going to eat it.
Robin: Finally.
Marshall (taking Robin's burger in his hands): No! Robin! If any of us is gonna eat a burger tonight, it's gonna be the best burger in New York. We're going downtown! He throws away the burger.
Robin: No...
In a cab
Marshall: I cannot believe we're finally gonna have this burger
Lily: Honey, I'm so excited for you. After all these interviews, after all these disappointments, you deserve a triumphant mouth full of meat.
Barney: You know what else is a mouthful? All that double-talk other banks give you. At Goliath, customer satisfaction is our most important investment.
Lily: Barney, I hate to break this to you, but working for a bank's kind of lame.
Barney: How lame is free a*t*matic bill pay? How lame is 3.3% APY online savings? Yeah, that's right. Hate to make you look stupid in front of your friends, but you left me no choice. He laughs.
Ted: We should probably call Regis.
Barney: Reg... (He takes his phone.) That guy scares me. I think I'll leave him a text.
"Million Dollar: Heads or Tails" - Studio set
Regis Philbin: Now, Kathy, your last flip was heads. The one before that was tails. You polled the audience; they came out split, 50/50. No help at all there. So, for $258,000... I have to ask you, Kathy, what's it gonna be: heads...or... (His phone rings, he reads the text and starts to leave the studio.) Excuse me. Oh, boy. I've got to go. I've got to go!
In the streets - In front of a green door
Marshall: Green door, red neon sign. Guys, this is the place. I've actually, I prepared a few words.
Robin (On nerves): I will eat your hand.
Marshall:Let's just go inside then. Shall we?
In the restaurant
The waitress gives us their burger, except to Robin.
Marshall (to the waitress): Thank you.
Waitress:Yours will be right out.
Robin: Please, go ahead, start.
They make as if they could wait.
Robin: Just shut up and eat.
Barney: All right.
Everyone starts to eat his burger.
Ted: Oh my god. I'm never brushing my teeth again unless it's with a toothbrush made from this burger.
Lily: I think I just had my first burg-asm.
Barney: I want... to take this burger out to dinner, then maybe a movie, then take it back to my place, put on a little Terence Trent D'arby, and then I would just... fool around a little bit. Nothing serious, just take it slow, you know?
Marshall (putting his burger in his plate): This isn't it.
Everybody: What?
Marshall: It's not it.
Ted: Marshall, you might not want to hear this, but... is it at all possible this is the same
burger you had eight years ago, only it could never live up to your ridiculously high expectations?
Robin: I mean, it is just a burger.
Marshall: Just a burger? It's so much more than just a burger. I mean, that first bite... Oh, what heaven that first bite is. The bun, like a sesame-freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below. Flavors mingling in a seductive "pas de deux". And then... a pickle the most... playful... little pickle, and then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce, and a... a patty... of ground beef, so... exquisite...swirling in your mouth, breaking apart and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savories so... delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread. This is God... speaking to us through food.
Lily: And you got our wedding vows off the Internet.
Marshall: Okay, look, so, so this, this isn't the place. All right, it's no big deal. It's another place with a green door and a red neon sign that says "Burger". I'll just... I'll call every restaurant in Manhattan and ask 'em what colour their door is. No big deal, right? Let's do this.
He leaves the restaurant.
Robin: I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this isn't just about a burger.
Lily: Marshall's not doing so well, guys. He really needs to get a job.
Ted: Tell them about the underpants.
Robin: What about the underpants?
Lily: It started a couple of weeks ago.
[Flashback]
Marshall is lying on the couch, watching TV.
Marshall: Heads! It's going to be heads. It's almost usually heads.
Lily comes in the apartment.
Lily: Hey, baby.
Marshall: Hey!
Lily: Did you put on pants today?
Marshall: Nope. They laugh.
[End of flashback]
Lily: It was funny at first, but then it became a daily thing. I thought, "Okay, well, at least he's not leaving the house like that." Then, one day, he opened the door to get the paper. Day after that, went downstairs to get the mail.
Ted: Everyone's got an underpants radius. For most of us, it's the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom, but as your self-esteem gets smaller, your underpants radius gets bigger.
Robin: How big is Marshall's underpants radius?
[Flashback]
Veggie Heaven
Marshall: We're going.
He gets up from table and we can see that he's wearing underpants.
[End of flashback]
Ted: Come on, Lily, he'll find a job eventually.
Barney: You know, Lil, when times are tough, I like to remember the uplifting words of my favourite song. He starts singing. "We'll be on your side when you need a friend. Through thick and thin you can always depend. On the world leaders in credit and banking. Goliath National Bank." Member FDIC.
Lily: We've got to find Marshall that burger.
Ted: Lily, I think we're all eating that burger.
Robin: I'm not eating that burger.
Lily: No, if Marshall says this isn't the burger, this isn't it.
The waitress arrives with Robin's burger.
Robin: Finally.
Lily: Excuse me. Did you guys change cooks or something? Because my husband was here 5 years ago, he's sure he had a different burger. Robin is trying to take the plate.
Waitress: Yeah, we get this a lot. This place is modelled after this other place uptown with the same green door and "Burger" sign.
Ted: What? Uptown? Where?
Waitress: 106th and Manhattan Avenue.
Robin takes her plate when Ted, Lily and Barney are leaving the restaurant. She's going to eat the burger when Barney makes her sign to come.
Robin: Damn it.
In a cab
Marshall: 106. A numbered street. Of course.
Barney's phone rings. He answers.
Barney: Barney Stinson.
Regis Philbin (in front of the last restaurant): Barney, where the hell are you?
Barney: I'm sorry, this is...?
Regis Philbin: Regis. I'm at the place.
Barney: Of course. I'm sorry, I forgot to call you. That's not the place. The real place is on 106th and Manhattan Avenue. We're headed there right now.
Regis Philbin: What? Uptown? He breaks a mail box. Fine, fine, I'll be there in 20. If you get there first, medium rare.
Barney: Onions?
Regis Philbin (screaming): Onions?
Barney: Okay, no onions.
Marshall: Stop the cab!
They come down from the taxi and Marshall begins to look for the famous green door.
Marshall: Wait. This is it.
Man in the streets: Your search is over. We got girls taking off their clothes.
Marshall: This is it.
They discover a Goliath National Bank ATM.
Barney: One of 9,000 convenient locations.
Marshall: It was ri... it was right here. It was... it was right on this very spot.
Robin: I don't understand. Where is the burger place?
Ted: It's not a burger place anymore; it's a Goliath National Bank ATM.
Robin (getting crazy): That's fine. Let's just eat here.
Ted: We can't eat here. It's an ATM.
Robin: But... food.
Lily starting to h*t Barney with her fits.
Barney: What the...
Lily: This is your fault, you and your stupid bank. You did this.
Barney: It's not my... Stop, okay. She hits his knee. Stop that, Lily.
Lily: I will never use a Goliath ATM ever again. Goliath National Bank sucks. It's the worst bank on the face of the earth. Attention, New Yorkers, this bank sucks! They suck!
Barney: Marshall, Geez.
Lily: They suck, suck!
Barney: Will you just tell her already?
Lily: Tell me what? Tell me what?
Marshall: I got a job.
Lily: What? Where?
Marshall: Goliath National Bank. That's why Barney's been going on and on about how, how great Goliath is. He wanted you to be excited for me since we will to working together.
Barney: Well, technically not together. You won't have access to my floor.
Lily: But you want to be an environmental lawyer.
Marshall: Yeah and I also want to be a Harlem Globetrotter and get paid in candy, but in the meantime, I need a job, and this is, this is a really good one. It's great pay and there's good benefits, and to be honest, it gives me a reason to put on pants in the morning. You know, I have my whole life to save the planet, but right now I'm kind of really excited to wear pants again.
Lily: You've got great pants.
Marshall: I love you.
Lily: I love you.
They hug while Robin is searching into the dustbin.
Ted: Robin, no!
Robin: They're unopened.
Ted: Give it.
Robin: They're barbecue.
Ted: Give it!
He takes her a package of chips.
Lily: I'm sorry you didn't get your burger.
Marshall: It's stupid. I think about that first week in New York. You know? I was 22 years old. I had my whole future ahead of me. I guess I just kind of thought that if I could have that burger one more time and feel that way for one more night, that I might be able to check that off the list, and grow up, go work for the stupid bank, and just... be happy.
Man: You know, that burger place isn't gone. It just moved to a new location. And I can tell you where that is for a hundred bucks.
Robin (Licking an envelope.): A hundred bucks? That's crazy.
Marshall: Let's pay the man.
Lily: I paid for the cab.
Ted: I have any cash.
Marshall: I haven't worked since March.
Barney: If only there were an easy, convenient way to get some cash right now.
They all turn around face to the Goliath ATM.
Barney: Member FDIC.
Ted from 2030: So we paid the guy, and 20 minutes later...
Restaurant
The man tattooed from head to foot brings to Marshall his plate.
Marshall: Thank you.
Ted: All right, Marshall, remember. It might not taste as good. This place has changed, you've changed, New York has changed. Just... don't get your hopes up too high, okay?
He begins to crunch his burger slowly.
Marshall: This is it.
Everybody: Yes!
Marshall: It's exactly the same. It's the best burger in New York. Go ahead, eat up, eat up.
Everyone starts to eat.
Ted from 2030: And so, after finally tasting again the burger he'd craved for so many years, Marshall got up the next morning, put on some pants, and went to work, and he never looked back.
Lily: I want to get tiny fitted sheets for this burger, and just... crawl into this bun, get all cosy, and die there.
Robin: Oh, my God. I just want you inside of me.
Barney: This feels so good. I'm worried I'm gonna get this burger pregnant.
Marshall: If he does get that burger pregnant, I have dibs on the delicious burger babies.
Regis Philbin: This isn't it.
Everybody: What? Come on.
Regis gets up.
Barney: That's outrageous.
Regis: That is unbelievable. Wait. This is it!
Marshall: You were just freakin' teasing us.
Regis: No, really.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x02 - The Best Burger in New York"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted, Marshall, Lily and Robin are in McClaren's.
Ted (2030): During the fall of 2008, I had a little problem.
Barney comes dressed in a odd.
Barney: Well, I must go to Stella. Tonight is the big night. I tried before, I always failed. This time I will succeed. Tonight... I am a lesbian. Robin, your lipstick.
Ted: Oh, no! Take pictures, okay?
Barney: Hi, Ted.
Ted (2030): I lived in New York, but Stella was living across the river in New Jersey...
Ted comes home and finds Stella on the couch, asleep, in undress.
Ted: Oh, no!
Ted (2030):... So I took the train all the time.
Man: What's up, Ted?
Ted: Hi, Matisse.
Ted arrives at the bar.
Marshall: Theodore!
Barney: T-Diddy! You've missed that!
Lily: Robin has had the job of presenter.
Robin: And we have a free bottle of champagne.
Marshall: But it's empty now.
Ted: Oh, no!
Ted (2030): So, it was always as if I missed any.
Ted comes back with Stella where she is at table with her daughter.
Stella: Sorry, we could not wait. It cooled.
Ted: Oh, no!
Lucy: Hey, big.
Ted: What's up, G?
Stella: Are you okay?
Ted: Yeah, okay. It's just that... You know, I want to spend time with you, with my friends. I seem to spend my life on the train.
Stella: Exactly, why not you invited your friends to come here?
Ted: It's a great idea.
Marshall, Lily, Barney and Ted are in the bar.
Marshall: You want us to go in New Jersey? Oh, that's great.
Ted: Why?
Barney: First, I no longer have my gold medallions. I sold them when they are out of date, 400 years ago.
Ted: Lily?
Lily: I'm sorry, Ted. I am a New Yorker pure juice. I am programmed to despise and hate New Jersey and all it represents. Why I say that? You hate him more than anyone.
Ted: What? I love New Jersey. Why you say that?
Flashback
Ted returned to the apartment.
Ted: And then he walks past me. I hate you not respect the queue more than New Jersey. In fact, this is false. There's nothing I hate more than New Jersey.
Then he arrives at the bar with a T-shirt indicating he did not like New Jersey.
Ted: Great, huh?
Marshall and Lily out of the apartment.
Marshall: It's waiting for you?
Ted: No, it'll take a while. I have to drop a massive New Jersey.
End flashback
Ted: So New Jersey is not my favorite place. But when we get married, and they have moved in with me, I will never stay there. Unless I see the Giants and I evacuated New York or I get rid of a body.
Lily: Ted, if you m*rder me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll haunt thee for ever.
Ted: And if I assassinate and bury you somewhere else?
Lily: I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons.
GENERIC
Ted (2030): Children, your Aunt Robin was tired of his job, tired of lousy production...
Robin: I am Robin Scherbatsky, and you look... (The Metro M falls) Etro New One to 23h. (Thus the one from 11 pm) And again at 1am.
Ted (2030):... tired of the stories she had to announce.
Robin: So hurry up and vote for the cutest dog in New York.
Ted (2030):... and most of all, fed up with stupid puns.
Robin: Four workers were electrocuted when a subway train derailed. Stay here for more... de-rail shocking. Joel, people died.
Ted (2030): So, when she knew she was national presenter, she could finally say the words she longed to say for years.
Lily, Marshall, Barney and Ted Metro New One look at the bar.
Robin: Tonight is my last issue. I arrived in Metro New One as a small caterpillar. And for 4 years, this office was my cocoon.But tonight, I turned into a butterfly ambitious.
Marshall: Why it looks silly? She had a stroke?
Ted: Yeah, a stroke of genius. This speech is really good.
Robin: With an eye on the horizon, a look at the truth, and an eye on you all.
Lily: It's you who wrote, right?
Ted: This is a modified version of one I did when I left the swim team because of an ear problem.
Marshall: You wore towels.
Ted: It's part of the team.
Ted (2030): This Saturday, when Robin left for his first day, we crossed the river to experience the amazing nightlife of New Jersey.
The band is at Stella except Robin.
Ted: Stella has not found a babysitter, you're stuck. Instead, we'll all stay here and it'll be awesome.
Stella: Well, there are games, there are movies. And there shall be beer in the garage.
Stella goes out to the garage.
Marshall: It's pathetic. It's Saturday night. We should get drunk in a bar. I know this sounds depressing, almost tragic, but it is a fact.
Barney: Yeah, and I want another drink for this girl, Doris. I know I can ask this aircraft lesbian.
Marshall: No snakes on that plane.
Ted: Come on guys, you promised. We stay there and we try to have fun. We're all here. Being with friends. It's not that the primary?
Lily: With the next train, you can be in McClaren's to 23h.
Barney: You can be at 22h.
Lily: No, I have to change. I'm not feeling in New Jersey.
Stella came back with beers in their hands.
Stella: You really hate this part.
Marshall: What? No!
Stella: No, I understand, you're New Yorkers, you need a bar.You could go to the coolest bar in the state, which is so close that you will not believe it. (They descend the basement) and bang, here. The coolest bar in New Jersey.
Lily: Yeah, probably.
Ted: That's great! We have darts. A half ping-pong. An aquarium. Look how it's getting a great night as planned. One could make the bait and watch them fight.
Barney: No thank you. I play not with aquariums unless they are my two favorite animals: the pilot fish and torturlute. Did you see!
Ted: For torturlute? You're right.
Barney: Marshall.
Marshall: You deserve better than that.
Barney: Lily.
Lily: Not good enough.
Barney: Stella.
Stella: Sorry.
Barney: I fall not rest until we not make me respect for another person's knuckles brushing against mine so sweet, but manly.Small, small... Small, small... Small... Who's the baby? Know that as long as it does not have what he wants. No, deserves.This fist will not waver. It... bow... not.
Stella: Who wants to play Scrabble?
Lily: Yes, why not.
Stella: Look, the letter "X" is a bit difficult to read because a few years ago, she walked into my dog. You know, we should get a dog when you come to live here.
Ted: When I what?
Stella: Super. This is Robin.
She gets up and goes back to go open the door.
Lily: I thought they came to live with you.
Ted: Me too. My God, I moved to New Jersey?
Barney: Guys, I'm sure the dog had to soaring after swallowing the tablet X. Too good! Go!
Ted: I can not live here.
Marshall: It's not so bad. You can put a mini fridge, there, and perhaps an air hockey.
Barney: Air Hockey. Well done my fat.
Ted: I speak of New Jersey in general, not the basement. She wants me moved? I do not get it. It was discussed there for months.
Flashback
Ted and Stella have a drink at the apartment.
Ted: I thought that after marriage, Lucy and you could sit here.
Stella: Yeah, it could play in the f*re escape, be friend with the guy who sleeps on a couch in the driveway, biking on Broadway. Great idea, Ted.
End flashback
Ted: I understand why they want to live in New Jersey when you can live in Manhattan? I thought my apartment was one of his reasons for marrying me.
Barney: Seriously, I thought it was the only one. Too much!(Robin arrives in the basement) You're glowing. Tape the Barnacle.
Robin: Stella has already warned me.
Marshall: So, your first day?
Robin: It was not.
All: What?
Robin: It was not my first day. I arrived and there were 20 people. In fact, I have not really got the job. I just had an interview.
Barney: How so?
Robin: I know. He told me that I had had it.
Flashback
Robin is in the toilet of the bar, on the phone.
Robin: I got it? I got it!
Robin puts his phone and dance.
Voice: Let's be clear, when I say "you", I mean the interview.You have the interview. I do not want there to be confusion.You only maintenance. Not the job.
She takes her phone.
Robin: Thank you! Thank you!
End flashback
Robin: I'll call and beg Joel for giving me my job.
Marshall: No!
Lily: You hate that job.
Robin: It was not so bad.
Lily: How they made you call the Hurricane Hector when he was pouring with rain?
Robin: A cycorde.
Marshall: You're in the eye of cycorde.
Ted: Thank you.
Barney: Naughty.
Robin: That sucks, but I can do what? I will not have another job. You would have seen other women in the interview. They were all more experienced, more "ethnic". There was a black girl with blue eyes. How can I compete?
Barney: You can not.
Lily: You can compete with anyone. You're Robin Scherbatsky. Confident, strong, great. With super long legs that look great in shorts.
Robin: I called Joel.
Barney: If you call now, you'll regret it. I slept with me full of women who were then sent to graze and then decamped. And sometimes they take the phone and they call me and do it again. And when we finished, I see that look on their faces, that look that says they hate themselves and they would never have known. But if you could see this look... In fact, you can see that look, there is a video, http://www...
Robin: Come on. I will not call.
Stella (descending): not Drink Beer! I remember when I bought it. That was before she became pregnant with Lucy. You can go pick on PriceCo? While you will be there, get yourself a map. You surely will go there all the time.
Barney: This is the look.
Ted and Marshall are at the supermarket.
Ted: I can not live here. I hate being here. I would k*ll myself.
Marshall: New Jersey is not so bad. Stella has a lawn. You can have a lawn mower. They sell there. I've seen with a cup holder. I saw a deck chair with a cup holder. I even saw a hammock with a cup holder. You live in New Jersey, you will not have to hold a cup.
Ted: It asks me no problem holding a cup, unlike you.
Stella...
Barney: I'll give you $ 100 for hitting my fist. $ 200.
Lily: Drop it, Barney. Your arm should make you suffer.
Barney: $ 10 000.
At the supermarket...
Marshall: You'll be on the other side of the river. You'll be in New York all the time.
Ted: I'm sorry. You are in New York?
Woman: We lived in Manhattan.
Ted: Are you in town?
Woman: All the time.
Marshall: You see? All the time.
Ted: When was the last time?
Man: We dined with O'Rourke.
Ted: It's been closed for six years.
Woman: It's been a while. Funny, not that we lack.
Man: I guess is the New Jersey-vegans, now. Honey, look, T-shirt with dogs.
Ted: I can not do that. I'll tell Stella she and Lucy are coming to town and that's it.
Marshall: What do you think guys? Beagle, or Boston terrier?
Stella...
Lily: It's the tears?
Barney: They are magnificent... manly tears of pain. They are not emotional. They are a little emotional.
Lily: Where is Robin?
They date back to the lounge where Robin phone.
Robin: Shirley, this is Robin. I called Joel.
Barney: Robin, hangs up. Do not do that.
Robin: Sorry, I know, OK?
Lily: If you hang up no...
Robin: Stop! Joel, this is Robin.
Joel: So, Ms. Papillon wants to return to his cocoon.
Robin: I'm sorry for saying all this stuff.
Joel: You can put your socks with your apology, for you have already been replaced. Brian is the makeup and it could not be more excited.
Biran: I can not do that. I can not do that.
Joel: Look, although I want to see what college is over for the camera, if you can be here for the 23h, you can get your job.
Robin hangs up.
Robin: Ok, I have half an hour to arrive at the studio.
Lily: You can never be in town in 30 minutes.
Barney: Do not do it. It's scary to bet on itself, if you do not, nobody will. I'm not saying that to pat my fist. Even if a punch would be great. I mean it.
Robin: I bet on me. I bet I can be there for 23h.
She leaves home and takes Stella the bike that is on the porch. It is 10:31 p.m.. Marshall and Ted back.
Stella: You got the beer?
Ted: Yeah, I took a pack of 144. The rest is in the trunk.
Stella: And you registered?
Ted: No.
Stella: Why?
Ted: Was in line for the pictures, my hair is in the air... I want to live in New Jersey.
Stella: What?
Ted: I can not. And I see no reason that you did not come to New York.
Stella: My daughter goes to school here. All his friends are here. I have lived here all my life. My whole family is here. This is my house. I'm at the EPA. And since June 1, I am the deputy mayor.
Ted: Yes, but my apartment is close to the Metro.
Stella: It moves not, end of discussion.
Ted: How does it "end of discussion"? It never was.
Stella: That's what being a parent. I want to uproot Lucy.
Ted: People with kids are moving all the time. It would be great for Lucy to grow up in the largest city in the world.
Stella: It is. New York is the largest city in the world. Where the dream come true and of pigeon shit tastes like tapioca. Want a little secret? New Jersey... is better than New York.
Ted: Better than...? You think...? I... The Empire State Buil...H and H Bage... The center Linco... Zabar's... Papaya King.New York is the cultural and intellectual center of the planet.
Stella: New York is full of crazies, snobs and bad people. You know that once an old woman called me a slut and gave me a cat in his face? And you want to know if it's the same in New Jersey? 86th and Lex, right in front of your dear little Papaya King. The people of New Jersey are nice. This is the kind of place where you know your neighbors.
Ted: Hey, I know my neighbors!
Stella: Yes, that kind?
Ted: At the other end of the hall, there is... Clax... pa... I.
Stella: Claxpamon?
Lily: It is called Paxton.
Ted: I love this guy.
10:47 p.m., Robin is the bike on the train.
Robin: Sorry, I'm in a hurry. I go to before I go down first.
Matisse: Do not spill Matisse.
Basement of Stella...
Lily: Ok, this is crazy. You can not believe that New Jersey is better than New York. In New York, there was Broadway. No need to say more.
Barney: Oh, yes. Tape for safety.
Stella: It was Atlantic City.
Barney: You can not b*at A.C. Pity! Nobody needs to know.
Ted: New York has Greenwich Village.
Stella: New Jersey coast.
Barney: Chronicles of the Oscar-winning on urban neurotic.Tape!
Stella: Bruce Springsteen.
Ted: Sinatra.
Stella: It's in Hoboken... New Jersey.
Ted: But that city he sings? This is not "Secaucus, Secaucus."
10:56 p.m., Robin slalom between the cars.
Ted (2030): Children, believe it or not, but Aunt Robin swears it happened like this...
Robin takes flight and goes over the cars creating a traffic jam.
Stella...
Lily: Look, Stella, I understand that coming from New Jersey, you think not to like New York, but believe me, Marshall did not believe it either, and now he would move for anything.
Marshall: I hate New York! Sorry, but it's true. Today, I passed PriceCo. You've already been? It's huge. The New York stores are cramped. When I turn, I spill something. I'm like a big monster out of the ocean to destroy bodegas.
Lily: but, Marshall, you love New York.
Marshall: Yes, except I hate it. I'm too big for New York! I try to hold seats in the cramped subway or stoop under doors over 150 years. People are taller, have larger doors. What is your problem?
Barney: Small town, big men, then tope.
Marshall: It is too noisy, all the time. Yes, it is the city that never sleeps. Well, I would sleep well. I'm tired for 8 years. Tired and scared, with black and blue marks on my elbows to try to keep between the gateway for elves. New Jersey's great. There are department stores, and lawn and you do not have to wear a cup. For the rest of your life. I'm not afraid to say so. I love New Jersey. Just kidding.
Ted: I understand, OK? I see what you mean. I guess... we could live in Brooklyn.
Stella: You know what, Ted... Live wherever you want. I do not care.
Stella back.
Barney: Silence embarrassed. Tope then.
Ted goes upstairs to see Stella.
Ted: Hey, Lucy. What are you doing up?
Lucy: There was noise in the cellar.
Ted: Sorry. Go back to sleep.
Lucy: I can not sleep without a story.
Ted: Ok, I'll get your mom...
Lucy: Why do you not read me one?
Ted: Let's go.
Ted reads a story to Lucy while Stella is sitting on the stairs.Lucy falls asleep and Ted goes down to the lounge where he hugged from behind Stella.
Ted: I moved here.
Stella: Really?
Ted: Really. New Jersey wins.
10:59 p.m., Robin arrives at the studio of Metro New One.
Robin: Oh, thank you! Wait. Good evening, New York.
Barney: Look, it did.
Robin: Our story tonight, the baby panda at the zoo in Central Park made his first tooth today. I think that makes him a... Bear molar. Bear molar. Bear molar. You know what? It's really over for me. Good night, New York.
Lily: It really stops.
Barney: You think you're there for something?
Lily: I think so. Good job, Barney.
Barney: Oh, my God! Thank you! Oh, I k*lled my arm. My arm has never been so sore since I was 13 the day I knew how to close the bathroom. Cool!
Stella, Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall are at the bar and joined Robin. Barney again the bars in the air.
Lily: What's the matter?
Robin: I have not officially got the job.
Lily: I'm sorry.
Robin: It's OK. They offer me another.
Ted: It's great. This is for what?
Robin: Foreign Correspondent. I... moved to Japan.
Barney lowers his arm.
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x03 - I Heart NJ"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Marshall, Lily, Ted and Robin are in McClaren's.
Robin: Barney's crazy if he thinks it'll work.
Marshall: I think it'll work.
Lily: I hope not.
Ted: There he is.
Barney arrives at the bar, disguised as a senior.
Barney (old): You there, what's your name?
Woman: Excuse me?
Barney (old): Your name, woman, what's your name?
Wife Cindy.
Barney (old): I knew it. You are "the" Cindy, one that can change everything and bring us to our downfall. Listen to me, Cindy. I am Barney Stinson, and I have an urgent mission from the future.
Cindy: From the future?
Barney (old): The future, and I can prove it to you. In exactly four seconds, the woman at this table will slap this man.
Robin slaps Ted.
Ted: What are you doing?
Barney: In a few minutes, the young me your time will enter through this door. I know it sounds crazy, but to save the planet, you have to sleep with him tonight.
Cindy: What? I...
Barney (old) to bed with Barney Stinson tonight, do whatever he wants, or he will find no solution to global warming that would save the human race.
Cindy: You mean what?
Barney (old): I have not the time to explain. I must return to reality accelerator before the vortex closes. Only you can save us, Cindy. I must go!
Barney leaves the bar.
Lily: Well, the movers arrive in 14 hours. We have to go back to finish the boxes.
Robin: You have not finished? Why is it so long?
Ted: The best memories of our 20 years were held in it. It's not that throw stuff in a box. You look back at the past.
Robin: Not me. The key? Discard tips and not looking back. I go to Japan. It took me half an hour.
Lily: A half hour?
Robin: I could take 20 minutes, but a friend called me in tears.
Marshall: Moving is very moving.
Ted: But it is. Finally, everything changes. I will live with Stella, you will be in your new apartment. You start a new job in Tokyo. This is the end of an era. We should make a toast, but not with the usual shit. Your bottle of Scotch the most expensive.
Wendy: This is a Glen McKenna 50 years, and it is $ 2 500.
Ted: Excellent. A bottle of beer with it, and what do you think will cancel the Scotch?
Barney enters the bar.
Barney: Vive la vodka.
Robin: It will not work.
Cindy: My God, you are... ho, my God! I offer you a drink?
Barney: I guess I have time for a drink and 45 minutes to an hour for other activities, but after that, I must return to the top secret research project I'm working on.
Cindy: Global warming?
Barney: My God! How do you know that?
GENERIC
Marshall, Lily, Robin and Ted are the cartoons.
Ted: Look at this. A photo of the day we moved. So many good memories.
Robin: Well, that's exactly the kind of crap to throw away.
Ted: So you keep a photograph?
Robin: It's like love letters, directories or the ashes of people.They take up space. In addition, she will let you not keep half your mess.
Ted: Why not?
Lily: Oh, dear. That's what the guys know that after moving in with a woman. All your stuff are idiots.
Ted: Like what?
Lily: Like everything else you bought the medieval festivals.
Ted: There is not enough drinks in the world that I drop my scourge.
Marshall: As you will not get bail, I thought you could pay me half.
Ted: Wait, why I pay more?
Marshall: Because you've treated this apart as John Bonham treated his nervous system.
Ted: That's not true.
Marshall: Proof A.
He draws a card and reveals a wall damaged.
Flashback
Marshall entered the apartment. Ted puts his books on shelves.
Marshall: What is it?
Ted: An Encyclopedia "World Book" of 1986. It is with these that I grew up.
Marshall: Encyclopedia?
Ted: Do you think we should say-die encyclo-pil. It's a common mistake. But if you look at the direction of the bar on the "e". The symbol of this encyclopedia, you'll know it is a diacritic which aims to change...
The shelves and take away the plaster fall with them.
Marshall: You know, it'll have you "dia-pays" for it.
End flashback
Marshall: But you've ever done. Second, the evidence B.
Flashback
Ted entered the apartment, disguised.
Ted: Hello, good topics. Look what I won at the festival.
He turned his scourge and pat on the ceiling.
End flashback
Marshall: You're also responsible for damage to Robin when she was your girlfriend.
Robin: What damage did I do?
Marshall: Do you remember the time you got drunk the pack of beer and you've become Super Canadian?
Flashback
Robin plays hockey in the apartment.
Robin: Stanley Cup game six? The Rangers will regret having met with the Canucks.
Marshall: $ 20 if you manage to run it through the door.
Robin: You're more amazing than a Tim Hortons donut. Timmy Ho!
It takes Lily and the intercepts.
Lily is Enough. Give me the stick.
Robin: I'll give you the teeth of happiness. A little here, a little there.
Lily: Give me the stick.
Robin: Get out, bouseuse.
Lily: Let's go!
Lily throws herself on her to catch the crook.
Ted: Catch it, guys!
Robin: I'll break!
They fight.
Ted: Girls, stop!
Marshall: For America.
Ted: It's good enough!
Barney: It does not stop a fight between girls! Ever!
He gives a fist into the wall, and made a hole.
End flashback
Ted: Barney's fault entirely. As fat burning on the mantelpiece, for that matter.
Flashback
Lots of people are in an apartment.
Ted (2030): Children, to understand the history of the burn, I must tell you the story of the intervention for our friend, Stewart.
Stewart: What's going on?
Man: This is an intervention.
Women: Alcohol has changed you, Stewart. We recognize you more. And I love the man I married.
Stewart: Thank you. This is the boost I need. I love you all.
Barney reaches a bottle in his hand.
Barney: This is the man of the evening. It's time to let the monster out of his cage!
Stewart: No.
Barney: Come on, man. People want to see Bruce Banner.They want Hulk. What?
(Robin whispers in his ear) That's the invitation to have flown.
Ted (2030): This evening, we celebrated our first successful intervention.
At the apartment...
Robin: I'm really proud that we have helped Stewart.
Lily: Yes, what a moment of incredible human sincerity.
Marshall: It's true. We live.
Barney: You're going to seriously continue to wear this hat?
Lily: Yes, it's been two weeks.
Marshall: Two wonderful weeks... and oh yes, I will continue to wear it.
He left the apartment with the hat on. The next day...
Lily: This is an intervention.
Ted: About the hat.
Marshall: I control. I can remove it whenever I want.
Robin: "Dear Marshall, I do not like that stupid hat. I want to cut with a scythe. Or, cut the chisel, for you looks like a real jerk. "
Ted (2030): After that, the interventions have become frequent in the apartment.
Lily returns.
Lily: Oh my God. This is one of p'tain of pleasant surprise. This is about what?
Ted: This is about the exaggerated English accent.
Lily: P'tain.
It's time for Robin.
Robin: Self Tanner? They entice you with a coupon, and after it becomes addictive.
Lily: We know, darling, you know. This is a brand new vest.
Then Barney.
Barney: What?
Robin: The magic tricks.
Lily: Specifically, those with f*re.
Barney: The magic tricks? Guys, interventions are meant to help people, not to address every aspect you do not like.Sorry, but it warms me. It makes me boil! I mean, I am filled with a burning rage! (There is a magic trick, but set f*re to the banner) Thanks! Oh, shit.
Lily: It smells like hair!
Ted (2030): And here the history of the burn.
End flashback
Ted: It's weird. By removing the closet, I thought I saw the banner.
Marshall: And?
Ted: And the flag was b*rned. Why new? And there are letters from you all, with "Ted" written on it. You prepare a response for me?
Lily: Well, that was stupid. Yes, forget it.
Ted: That was why? The sandals? Hair products?
Marshall: No Stella.
Ted: My God, it was for Stella.
Marshall: I just said "No Stella." It was perhaps for your hearing problems.
Ted: What?
Marshall: It's getting serious. You see?
Ted: You think I should not marry Stella. You think I should not marry.
Marshall: We want him. We are all really happy for you.
Lily: Like I said, it was stupid.
Ted: Obviously, it was not, it had agreed to make interventions more stupid to work on interventions.
Flashback
They are all in the apartment.
Ted: We made too many interventions.
End flashback
Ted: What was your biggest problem with me and Stella?
Barney (incoming): Yes! In the mouth! You said that the "Barney the future" work out. You told me I was crazy. My shrink told me I was crazy. Which is the narcissist with severe emotional disorders, Dr. Grossbard? A banner of intervention?That's what?
Ted: Stella.
Barney: "I can not remain indifferent... "
Ted: You kept it on you?
Barney: Please. "I can not remain impassive while you make the biggest mistake a man can do... get married. Keep my words, it will all part... "Flames! Oh, shit! I sent the flame too soon. I had so many important things to say, and... The fact is, Ted, marriage is stupid. Each year there are a million girls aged 22, sexy, who go to bars and call me, "glass half full", but I think they become beasts.
Marshall: Even you, you will meet more girls in 22 years when you get 80.
Barney: I meet this challenge.
Marshall: What challenge?
Barney: Prove that I will be just as great at 80. I'll go out with a girl of 22 years with my old man makeup.
Marshall: I did not challenge. I would love to see it, but I've not challenged.
Barney part.
Ted: I want to hear the other letters.
Lily: This is ridiculous. It changed his mind.
Ted: And if you changed yet? Go Lily, listen to yours.
Lily: "The capabilities of Gilbert reading have improved considerably... "This is a letter I had to give one of my students.
A mother is in her son's room.
Woman: Things go too fast between you and a girl named Stella?
Boy: I'd like.
Ted: I can hear yours?
Robin: "Dear Ted, it's encyclo-pe-die, not encyclo-pil-die. Why you always want to say things so pretentious? Looks like a moron, and it's cr-e-tin and non-cr-ay-tin. "
Ted: You've already read the intervention on my pronunciation. Where is the letter of Stella?
Robin: I have not written. I am your ex. I told myself that everything I say is offensive. In addition, I am sexier it, so who cares?
Marshall: Water has flowed under the bridge...
Ted: Come on.
Marshall: "Dear Ted, Stella seems to be wonderful. But you do not know enough to get married. You do not know probably not enough to get involved in raising a child with her. You do not restore her service or her child or yourself by throwing yourself like that. Just take a little longer. " It was there for months, OK?That was before we know Stella and that way as she's great and what you train super torque. That's why we decided to not make this statement.
Ted: Thank you. Because I really need you to handle it.
Marshall: And we're here.
Robin: And we hope you're not sorry.
Ted: Of course not. It's not like what you said was nonsense.You you were worried.
Lily: But concerns that a completely expelled.
Ted: But you score a point. It all happened very quickly.
Marshall: You know what? This may be because... when it's good, you know.
Ted: I guess, but we are still at the stage where one seeks to know himself. And Lily, you may be right. Stella will not like my stuff. As the robot pot cake. This is the first thing we bought here, remember?
Marshall: Of course it does. My sensors indicate that your shortbread levels are dangerously low.
Ted: My collection of James Bond. You know, we looked at them in order, and... Lily spoke with this weird English accent, until the next month?
Lily: It was sophisticated.
Ted: My cleats signed by Bernie Kosar. My lamp elephant.The English phone booth. My sombrero!
Robin: What are you doing?
Ted: I unpack. I never leave this apartment.
Lily: Ted, stop unpacking. You're in the process of pinball.
Ted: I'm not ready for this responsibility, let alone to be the stepfather of a 7 year old daughter. If I get married and moved to the suburbs, in a twinkling, I exchange old!
Barney at the bar, again disguised as a senior.
Barney (old): Good evening, young lady. You want a caramel?What do you mean, "nothing in common"? We're both older.
Woman: You're cute. How old are you?
Barney: 83 years. How old are you?
Female: 31 years.
At the apartment...
Lily: Ted going bonkers. The movers arrive in 10 hours. His bride awaits in New Jersey. We must do something.
Marshall: I'm on it. Hey, man?
Ted: Hey.
Marshall: Come here a minute.
Ted: What?
Marshall: Know that this is quite normal. The major change can be frightening, and fear... it is one of them. So... why not you give me the Kn*fe? Give it to me. Go. That way I can unpack too. I will stay with you forever! We had a nice life here.That's why we rejected the package. Because unconsciously, we all know that it would be stupid to leave. It's safe and warm here. There is a downstairs bar, a robot cookie in the kitchen.This is my house and I never leave!
Robin: Listen up! You sound like that big beta colo. "Mom, Dad, I want to go. Cool boys play hide and seek with my inhaler. "
Marshall: I can not believe my father had read this letter at our wedding.
Robin: You can not do that to Lily. Your new apartment a few problems with the floor not right and the sewage treatment plant next door, but you will make a great home. Tell her, Lily.
Lily: This is the black hole where dreams go to die. I move it, either.
Robin: Come on.
Lily: Guys, finish unpacking. I will bake cookies to fill R2-plump.
Robin: My God, what a band of cowards! Frightened by the slightest change. Terrified by all that is new. Desperate to cling to your comfort zone. I can not go to Japan. What was I thinking? It's so far. I speak the language. I have not even good pictures of you.
Lily: Oh, honey.
Marshall: Everybody says it's good to change, right? But it's what's good?
Ted: Who wants to go to the same old bar, sit at the same place and drink the same thing? The same thing! My favorite!
They arrive at the bar and discovers Barney (old) kissing a woman.
Ted: Oh, my God!
Barney: I think someone owes me $ 200.
Marshall: Barney, it was not a gamble. Person...
Barney (old): This proves that I will be as great as that when I have 80 years. Tope my arthritis.
Ted: I am moving to New Jersey.
Lily: What?
Ted: And you should move into the new apartment, and Robin should go to Japan.
Robin: Why?
Ted: Because it will age like it or not, then the real question is: do we want to go forward or clinging desperately to the past and end up like that?
Barney (old): You mean great? I am 80 years old guy, and I pack a girl of 22 years.
Woman: Take me with you, darling. I want to see your medals from World w*r II.
Barney (old): In an instant my child.
Marshall: Okay, it matters not.
Barney (old): What? Why?
Robin: It is French, it's like playing tennis without a net.
Ted: You know what? I take care of the warranty. It makes me happy, because every hole in this apartment is a memory I will never forget. But on one condition: you put all 10 tickets aside every week for next year and come back here and buy this tape 50 years of age, and a toast to the incredible year full of change that we had it. Remove from us. My new family and I, Marshall and Lily, in their apartment and Robin in a number of English-language journalists in the West Pacific, ending up here in New York to celebrate this day... The day we closed one chapter of our lives incredibly, to open a new one.
Woman: I had to leave my laptop...
Ted: Remove from here.
In 2009...
Ted (2030): And a year later, that's exactly what we did.
Ted: So, let's raise our glasses of scotch at $ 2 500 for a year of hell.
Robin: Amazing.
Barney: It's amazing.
Ted: It's smoky, with hints of cedar and old... You see the difference between that and tape for $ 10?
Marshall: Not at all.
Barney: I would much Red Bull.
Robin: Wendy, you can take a picture?
Ted (2030): Many things we changed this year, but some have remained the same.
Lily: So if we continued the evening up there?
Marshall: Yeah.
Ted: Good idea. I have the tape.
Barney enters the apartment, disguised as old.
Barney (old): What...?
Robin: Barney is an intervention.
Barney (old): Sorry, I hear you.
Marshall: That's enough, the trick of "old."
Barney (old): The trick in the middle?
Lily: Forget it.
Barney (old): Leave baby? I love this old rhyme!
Ted: I will get my problem.
Barney: You're going to get my boat?
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x04 - Intervention"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted and Stella joined the others at McClaren's.
Ted: Hi.
Lily: Hi. How are you?
Stella (taking the glass of Barney): I'll just finish this.
Ted: It was just dinner with her sister Stella and her boyfriend.They married before us.
Stella: You know, you dream of the perfect wedding since you been little girl.
Lily: Yeah.
Marshall: Bluntly.
Stella: My sister steals my dream wedding. So every little detail on Shelter Island, the sun managed to sleep...
Flashback
Stella and Ted are the restaurant's sister Stella and her boyfriend.
Sister Stella:... near the beach in the old family home. This is my dream wedding.
Stella (Ted taking the glass): I'll finish it.
Ted: It seems that the lamb is great here.
Nora: I'm vegan. I wish I could silence that voice in me that says eating animals is m*rder, but I guess I'm not as strong as you.
Ted: Did you need protein. I take the lamb.
End flashback
Ted: New objective: Our marriage is to kick the ass of hers.Our marriage is to take the head of his, press it down the toilet and flush 20 times.
Lily: Ted, in high school, his marriage was you, right?
Stella: You know, she always wants to overtake. I like it, but there is a part of me that would like it all falls apart.
Stella is the restaurant with his sister and Ted.
Nora: I hate it! I hate him. God, this steak is good. 4 days before and he fled with a consultant from Whole Foods? I do my make-up more for him. I do not shower more for him. I shave armpits more for him.
Ted: Hard to know where is the problem.
Nora: Now, so close to the wedding... Got some bacon or something in the sauce. I love it. I would not be refunded. I will lose thousands of dollars.
Ted (2030): Children in a relationship, you develop as a telepathy with your partner.
Stella: You think about what? It might help.
Ted: No, Stella, it should help. Pay for dinner. Do not worry.Taking Charge.
Stella: It's true. Recovering your marriage, we reimburse you all that you paid for. Ted and I are getting married Sunday.
GENERIC
Ted: We get married on Sunday? It is sure to be ready for this?
Stella: I've wasted years waiting for the father of Lucy decides to be "ready" for it, but it has ever been. That's why we had never married. Come on, must be spontaneous, I dreamed that Tony is spontaneous like that.
Ted: I'm leaving. And I'm also... spontaneous. (He throws a glass of water on his face) I would not have done that.
Ted (2030): Children, morality often happens at the end of the story, but this one is too important, I will say now: Never, never, invite ex to your wedding. If I was given this advice, it would have changed everything.
Ted, Barney, Marshall and Lily are at the bar. Ted phone.
Ted: We need you to come, this is my marriage.
Robin: I can not. I am in Tokyo. This is my first week. I can not leave like this. In addition, I am finally serious information.
Ted (2030): Robin was serious information.
Flashback
A man brings a fan on the set of information.
Ted (2030): It was the first English news channel in Japan. Of course, the info was a little different there.
Robin: The board of the Fed voted not to change the... rates.
End flashback
Ted: This is my marriage. You gotta be there.
Robin: OK, I'll be there. I gotta go. Good evening. And I'm Robin Scherbatsky. The talks have been arrested in the Middle East. Despite a promising start in the final negotiations, the talks foundered on security.
Ted: It is.
Barney: Okay, burial of bachelorhood. Tonight, I have three exotic dancers most flexible physically and ment*lly that you've ever seen...
Ted: No time.
Barney: I'll tell you.
Marshall and Ted leaves the bar.
Ted: Do we really have to rent the cars for tomorrow.
Barney: What?
Lily: No "You not married, Ted?" No "You're making a big mistake, Ted?" Have you stopped the fight against marriage?
Barney: No, I recognize a lost cause, when I see it. That's why I'm not recycle. In addition, Ted getting married, it is my interest. You know...
Flashback
Barney is in his office.
Barney: I worked on an issue of utmost importance. I admit I was baffled. Until I decided to take the bull by the horns.(Barney written on a board: how to lie down again with Robin) Then, finally, I décryptais code. "GIVE THE MARRIAGE OF TED. "
End flashback
Lily: So you come back to Robin.
Barney: Let's hope. This weekend is my best chance to start with it.
Lily: You'll never there. Too many opportunities. The first bridesmaid drunk, you'll have your head under the dress as a photographer of yesteryear.
Barney: Lily, kidding. I want to look cutesy and romantic, but this weekend, Robin will be the only girl that I will draw.
Stella and Ted are on a boat.
Ted (2030): And the day before the wedding, Stella and I made the trip to Shelter Island. With others not far away.
Marshall, Lily and Barney are also on board.
Marshall, Lily and Barney are in a bar.
Lily: It's not really the place I imagined for the wedding of Ted.
Barney: "The Collective Namaste Yoga and Meditation."
Marshall: I know about you, but I will not namaster here too long.
Lily: Honey, will see the dirty hippie to the reservation there, we, we'll take to drink.
Barney: You have anything like Scotch?
Bartender: In the center, we have a strict anti-alcohol.
Marshall: Super, meals included, right?
Woman: Yes, and they are all 100% vegan.
Barney: I need alcohol. I'm not gonna do that stuff with Robin.Look at that. Berry cocktail, conditioner meninges. I dream, these drinks could make a girl smarter. What hell Ted brought us?
Marshall: There's no meat.
Lily: There's no alcohol.
Marshall: Even worse, I'm 90% sure that this kind in which you spoke was the lead singer of Spin Doctors.
Ted joined them.
Ted: Guys, Stella and I have a little problem.
Flashback
Stella is sitting on the bed and watch the programs, while Ted packs his things.
Stella: The programs are great. It is not our names on it, but otherwise it looks nice.
Ted: Actually, I spoke to Robin. It is a little late, but it will be there on time.
Stella: You're invited Robin?
Ted: Yes, of course.
Stella: You gave me no warning. I'm not sure what to think.
Ted: Can I help you? Are you happy. You like him.
Stella: Yes, but it's your ex girlfriend. It's weird.
Ted: But no.
Stella: It's weird. Not what you imagine is to see her boyfriend's ex marriage.
Stella imagine the scene.
Robin: Your new husband dismounted me out three times a day.
Stella: When the former are present, I dunno, it brings back...things unresolved. Close with your ex, do you know that the flame will not turn back?
Ted: Come on, we're friends. In addition, we already had our Thanksgiving last relapse, it is not old.
Stella: Have you bet money against you in this quarrel?
Ted: She already has his ticket.
Stella: It's important to me. I would have never invited the father of Lucy.
Ted: It would not bother me. Tony is great. Invite him too.
Stella: No, Tony is the last person I want to see here, OK? And Robin is the penultimate.
Flashback
Ted: Robin will soon get on the plane. In addition, it unleashed a lot of work for that.
Robin has the information, while a monkey sits next to her and slap on the desktop.
Robin: Driven by concerns about the environment and oil prices, sales of hybrid vehicles rose 11% over last year.
Back to the place of marriage of Ted and Stella.
Ted: What should I do?
Marshall: I know. I understand something is "no ex". Why would we want that history failed to come see one successful?It's like inviting the Seattle Mariners World Series. It's embarrassing for everyone.
Barney: What? No. Robin must come.
Ted: That's true, this is my best friend. Girl friend. My best friend girl.
Lily: I do not care, why do such.
Barney: Dude, Robin has to be there.
Marshall: It should not come.
Barney: What are you parl...
Ted: Aldrin Justice, the last word.
Lily: OK, this would be weird without Robin. But not contradict the bride.
Ted: I will not tell him to come.
Marshall: It's the right decision.
Ted: It's gonna be the worst phone call of all time.
Barney: Co-witness, I'll handle this.
Robin picks up the telephone.
Robin: Hello?
Barney: Robin, where are you?
Robin: I'm off to the airport.
Barney: OK, in a few hours. Have a good flight. Bad news. I can not have it. Robin is gone.
Ted: OK, Robin arrives. You know, I'm fine. The former should be able to go to weddings. I'll tell Stella to do with.
Lily: You should be more delicate with Stella about Robin.
Ted: What do you mean by "delicate"?
Lily: The brides are very stressed before a wedding. Well, of course, I was under control.
Marshall: Do not you remember?
Flashback
In 2006, Lily arrives at the apartment in tears.
Lily: The florist told me that roses are medium pink pale pink that means. Medium pink pale! All're done. Our wedding hall uses a boiler instead of a forced air heating. This is the thing that concerned me. Why are we still married?
End flashback
Marshall: After a while, is that the waffle.
Lily: Poor Stella must be the crazy one month in three days.
Ted: What do I do?
Lily: You wait for the next crisis, the rules you, you're a hero.After, you dealt with on about Robin, but this time she will say yes.
Ted: And if there is no other crises?
Lily: This is a bride. There will be another crisis.
Four minutes later...
Ted: There is a new crisis.
Lily: Great! What is it?
Flashback
Stella and Ted are in their rooms.
Stella: My daughter, my daughter does not come to our wedding.
Ted: What?
Stella: Tony was the lead here tomorrow, but cash hurt my marriage, and he will not take him. It's been 5 years. Why not turn the page?
End flashback
Ted: So, first thing tomorrow I'm going to talk to him, convince him to let me take Lucy, then boom, crisis solved. Stella is happy. Robin comes to marriage.
Nora: You are Barney?
Barney: Yes.
Nora: I heard you were a real bastard, so listen. Tomorrow night, I want to do things so nasty and depraved that I forget that it was supposed to be my wedding.
Barney: I'm here with someone.
Nora: Bring her.
Lily: You'll never get there.
Ted is by car.
Ted (2030): So the morning of my wedding, I made the way home Tony, to take Lucy.
Ted hits Chez Tony.
Ted: We did a little karate?
Tony makes a decision.
Tony: Sorry, sorry dude. You have my alarm activated defense. You must remember these things. Stay alert, rest life.
Ted: OK.
Tony: What brings you here? I thought you'd be in a bridal suite with my wife.
Ted: Not yet. Soon.
Tony: That's right, tonight is the big night. Oh, man, you gonna make love to the mother of my daughter.
Ted: Actually, I've already had sex many times. Why I always corrects people?
Tony: You and Stella. You're lucky. I could just... I am very happy for you.
Ted: Look, here's the thing...
Tony: You can not take it.
Ted: Tony, stop. It is also a great day for Lucy. You'll have to put your problems aside and think about what is best for her.Whether you like it or not, it really should be the wedding of his mother. I take Lucy with me.
He shakes Ted in his arms.
Tony: You're right, man. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just... You see all... made me realize what I had.
Ted: Let's cuddle.
Tony: I'm sorry. Lucy is everything to me. I will lose it with this family, I am not one.
Ted: But you're part of.
Tony: I have not been invited to the wedding.
Ted: You are now.
Ted is in a car with Tony and Lucy.
Tony: "Road Trip" OK? (They are on a boat) "Road Trip 2, back in the car."
Stella's sister comes to see Barney.
Nora: This is the big day. You hydrate?
Barney: Dear wife, thank you for the interest you have for Barney Stinson...
Nora: Your back will look like a Jackson Pollock.
Barney: I regret to inform you that at this time...
Nora: I have been vegan for 2 years. I need meat.
Barney: There are currently no positions available.
Nora: I am a teacher of Yoga. All positions are possible. Your room in 20 minutes. No preliminary.
Barney: I will not do, huh?
Lily: No chance.
Ted, Lucy and Tnny arrive.
Ted: Let me talk to Stella first.
Lucy: Mom! Ted invited Dad!
Stella: Hi, my heart. You've missed. Just one second, OK?Tony invited you? At our wedding? This was discussed. No ex at our wedding. Why did you do that?
Robin comes up behind Ted.
Robin: What did Ted this time?
Ted and Stella are isolated in their room to talk.
Stella: What does Robin here? I thought I was clear. No ex at our wedding.
Ted: To be fair... your ex is here.
Stella: You've invited!
Ted: Come on, it's not weird.
Stella: It's weird. It is as if it was not over between you. Tony and... I can not look after him. Will you tell him to leave? You can say it's my fault. I'll talk to Robin, she knows it's not personal.
Ted (2030): The children, if I had left Stella talking to Robin, this story would have ended differently.
Stella speaks with Robin.
Robin: I understand.
Ted talks to Tony.
Tony: I get it.
Man: For the first time, Ted and Stella Mosby.
In 2030...
Ted (2030): And now, how I met your mother.
Stella: Your father has finally finished drooling? Who wants ice cream?
Ted (2030): But I have not done.
Ted: You can talk to Tony? Robin made the trip from Tokyo. I should talk to him.
Stella: Of course.
Ted goes to talk to Robin.
Ted: Sorry to have run away like that.
Robin: It's OK. Can you imagine not traveling I did. I was on a plane, a whole day. But it was worth it to see you get married.How I would have missed it...
Ted: You can not come to the wedding.
Robin: thank you God!
Ted: What?
Robin: It's weird.
Ted: It's not weird.
Robin: It's weird. You know how it feels to be one of the former married?
Robin imagine the scene.
Stella: Take that, bitch! I won!
Ted: It was broken, there is more than a year.
Robin: Yes, but it's not that long ago. See you marry another woman is not really something I look forward to. I just thought if I changed my mind about marriage and children, it was nice knowing you were there.
Ted: So, I was your backup plan. It's flattering.
Robin: That's not it. It's just...
Ted: Why do you mention that? There was nothing between us.
Robin: Maybe so. I mean, of course it does. The kind of thing that leaves no one fell swoop. I'm not a guest over.
Ted: It's true. We went out together, but... we have moved on.And we got what we wanted. I marry, You have the job of your dreams in Tokyo. And they lived happily...
Robin: I quit my job.
Ted: You what?
Robin: I return to New York. I thought I wanted this job, but...Getting back to my real life. And you should go back to yours.
Ted: What does that mean?
Robin: You married. Listen, this is precipitated. It's as if you started a book by the end. You are the most romantic. You stole a blue horn for me. You tried to make rain.
Ted: I did the rain.
Robin: It was a coincidence. After all this is how your romantic quest comes to an end? You hide in the wedding of another in his house in his life, without thinking twice. This is not the end spectacular than you deserve. It's not Ted Mosby.
Ted: I love Stella. This is good. If you feel it all... I think it is good that you come to the marriage.
Bartender: Big fight?
Robin: Yes.
Barman: There you go. It is for me.
Robin: You stop it. (Robin drinks the glass of a sudden) My God, so, stop.
Robin knocks on a bedroom door. Barney opens half naked.
Robin: I spend a very bad day. I've stolen scotch at the duty free. It tells you?
Barney: Let's go to your room. Far from it. And can be the whistle.
Robin: I have no room. In fact, I thought I could stay with you.
Barney: No problem. I just need to tidy up a little. Of clothes on the floor and...
Robin: And a girl naked, tied to your bed.
Barney: The towels in the bathroom, a real mess. So, give me 10 minutes... to restore order...
Robin: In addition, Barney.
Robin takes his suitcase and leaves. Nora arrives at that time.
Nora: OK, let's go. Who's that?
Barney: The girl on reception.
Ted (2030): Children, sometimes you think you live a story, but the truth turns out to be quite different. (Robin is on board a boat, Ted is in his room and read a map and Stella is also on board) In those days, I thought it covered only the presence of Robin marriage. (Stella Tony covers his coat) If only I had understood what it was about.
Flashback
Ted and Stella discuss.
Stella: Have his former close... it reveals unresolved problems.
End flashback
Lily and Ted joined Marshall in the room.
Flashback
Stella: With your ex not far, which tells you that the flame will not turn back?
End flashback
Barney joined them in turn.
Flashback
Stella: It's as if it was not over between you.
Ted and Stella are in the restaurant.
Stella: I've wasted years waiting for the father of Lucy decides to be "ready" for it.
Tony is in the arms of Ted.
Tony: You see all... made me realize what I had.
Back at the restaurant...
Stella: I dreamed that Tony is spontaneous like that.
End flashback
Ted (2030): Seriously, kids, do not invite your ex to your wedding.
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x05 - Shelter Island"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Children, on your wedding day should be the happiest of your life, the culmination of a perfect love story. My marriage, at least the first has not gone so well.
Ted reads the word of Stella while she on a boat, kissing Tony.
Ted is with his friends at McClaren's.
Ted: It's funny when I think about it. I was sure that Stella was good. When she left me, I was so devastated. But you helped me overcome that. Now the hard part is over. I came out a little louder. You know, I do not think further of it. This is the work of time, I guess.
Lily: Ted, the wedding was yesterday. It's been 24 hours.
Ted: I know. That's all I advance. A new chapter in my life begins today, and we'll celebrate. Here, we need two things.We need Kool and the g*ng. It's time the jukebox!
He rises from his chair, dancing and going to turn the jukebox.
Barney: I watch this young man dancing near the jukebox, and I can not help thinking... Stella may have made the right choice. Ouch!
Marshall: How can he dance here? He should be trying to smash the car with a club of Stella.
Barney: Assumption. He is not pretending to be happy. Ted is really happy. He did not want to marry from the start. Ted had the best train dodge since Stand by Me Well, not the first kid, but others.
Lily: No, it is a mess.
Ted: It gauze?
Lily: A mess. And one must be there for him.
Ted (2030): But all my friends wanted to be there for me, I would, seemingly, well.
Lily and Robin arrives at the apartment, a pizza in hand and beers.
Lily: Hey, man.
Robin: You wanna hang out?
Ted: Girls, I'm fine.
Marshall has a glove and a baseball ball.
Marshall: Dude, you make some?
Ted: I'm fine.
Barney entered the apartment with two women.
Barney: Hey, kid.
Ted: Barney, I'm fine! It is not necessary, and it is rather unhealthy. Sorry, ladies.
Barney: I did not know you'd be here. Girls stairwell.
GENERIC
The band is at the bar...
Ted (2030): Finally, after two weeks, emotions eventually overflow.
Ted: What do you want for dinner?
Lily: Oh, the farm. I'm sorry, is that you have experienced something traumatic, and we try to be there for you, but do not you leave us, and it irritates us, selfish little whore. Sorry.
Marshall: We are concerned that you faced not what happened with Stella. Do you remember when Lily left me? How I buried my emotions?
Flashback
Marshall is in the arms of Ted, on the couch, crying.
Marshall: It... I... miss him so much.
End flashback
Robin: Yeah man, you've been a rock.
Marshall: I should have been worse, OK? I should have my nerves, follow your advice and burn cases Lily.
Lily: Super. Thank you, Ted.
Marshall: I have not done it, and that's why I took so long to get better. So Ted, I want you explode. Release your rage.Ready? Now!
Ted: It's OK.
Barney: Guys, let him go. He is happy. Listen, if Ted was married, then he would be married, he would live in New Jersey, and he would be married. It is well. Good, let's eat. Let Flat Michael's?
Ted: It is between the 44th and Lex. Impossible.
Robin: Why?
Ted: It is near the gym Stella. We could cross. Everywhere else, it's going.
Robin: Ok, how about Hurley's?
Ted: Stack between his office and dry cleaner. Sorry.
Lily: Well, The Meatloaf Charlie?
Ted: Two blocks from her mother's hairdresser.
Barney: Okay, Ted, is there a place in Manhattan where one can dine?
Ted: Of course. Look at this.
Ted pulls out a map of Manhattan, half colored red.
Robin: It's that thing?
Ted: A reference card I made. A guide to places where you can meet Stella Zinman. The red areas: to avoid. White: OK.Blue: the sea
Lily: This is ridiculous.
Robin: The sea is blue.
Lily: You can not live like this.
Marshall: It leaves you on the altar, and it's you who're avoiding?
Ted: Yes, I avoid it. What is the problem? It goes like this.
Marshall: It's that "one" small dicks?
Ted: No, 'on', it is the people of the great state of Ohio. When life is hard, we take the pain and bury us. And if the pain goes, is buried pain over another. Why cope when you can avoid?All I have to do is to never see her again, and I will have a long happy life. So who wants to eat?
Lily: Someone told me of a tapas bar located in the white zone.
Ted: Super. Let's go.
Barney, Robin, Ted, Marshall and Lily are in the restaurant.
Waiter: Have you decided?
Ted: Not yet. Can we have almonds to the table?
Waiter: Certainly.
Ted: Well done, Lily. This place looks cool. That you talked about?
Lily: I actually remember it. Oh Oh!
Robin: What?
Lily: I remember.
Ted turns around and sees Stella.
Ted: Oh my God! Oh my God! OK, stay cool. We'll just have to manage it. Everyone... follow me.
He hides under the table.
Marshall: Oh, you laugh.
Lily: He is serious?
Barney: I will not in this table. Possibly, in this one.
Robin: She turns around.
Everyone is hiding under the table.
Ted: Think, think. Guys, stay there. I'll take a look. Marshall will look.
Server: Do you want covered?
Stella: No, I'm going home.
Marshall: She took to win.
Ted: She looks happy? She talked about me? I do not care.Where are the almonds?
Barney: Where may well be nuts Ted? You should check the garage in the grip of Stella.
Marshall: Will the yelling.
Lily: You're maybe Ohio, but you live in New York now. We do not bury our emotions in New York. We take our emotions and they are sent to the other side!
Ted: Let me go. You'd do the same if you were in this situation.
Lily: I dream! There's not one person on Earth to which I would hide under a table.
Ted: Really, not one? Not even... Gazeur?
Lily: How dare you pronounce this name to me?
Robin: Who is Gazeur?
Lily: This is the last person I would like to see here. Michael purifier. This is a guy I was in high school.
Flashback
Lily is in progress.
Lily: Michael was next to me in Biology. It was a failure for the entire college, but the summer before the third, he grew 30 cm and joined the baseball team. It was becoming a cool guy.Until one day...
We hear someone fart.
End flashback
Barney: Lily, you're all been there. When we loose one, it's not pretty.
Robin: You did what?
Lily: Are you kidding? It was the third. I had a choice.
Flashback
Lily: Oh, my God, purifier! It gauze?
Purifier: It was not me. That was it.
Lily: Of course purifier. Or rather Gazeur. Gazeur!
Purifier: I'm in the team baseball. I'm cool.
End flashback
Lily: The Gazeur nickname stuck. He had so much ridicule, he had to change schools.
Barney: The kids are great.
Lily: It made me always feel guilty. But if Gazeur... Michael...came now, as hard as it may be, I would go to Gazeur...Michael... and I should settle things between us.
Robin: Clearing the air, as before. Oh, man. It does not happen often. You are welcome.
The server slides under the table.
Server: It's going guys?
Ted: Let's just eat here, if possible.
Server: This is your almonds.
Ted: Thank you. You have a daily special?
Marshall: Ted, this is ridiculous.
Barney: I am a person who... Well, are facing. There are a bunch of people I do not want to see... as the group of "girls that I skipped"... but if one of them came here, I would stay there, and I would look into his eyes. For some, this would be the first time.
Ted: Really, you hide from anybody? Not even... Becca Delucci?
Barney: Son of a bitch.
Host: Who is Becca Delucci?
Barney: Do you mind?
Robin: Who is Becca Delucci?
Barney: Becca is this girl who lives in the North. I saw her from time to time.
Ted: Where exactly in the north, Barney?
Barney: Bedford Hills Federal Penitentiary.
Flashback
Barney is in the parlor with a woman.
Barney: And yes, the visits were of a conjugal nature.
End flashback
Lily: That's not true?
Barney: Really. And that I had with Becca was a perfect relationship. She was allowed to call me once a week. If it becomes too sticky, the armed guards stoppaient. I've never had to pay for dinner. In fact, this is false. I pay taxes. I guess we all paid for dinner. Thank you, guys. Anyway, at the last visit, I screwed up.
Flashback
Barney: I know it's hard, baby, but I'm in a prison too.Imprisoned in my heart. This room is ready or what? We can...?
Woman: You're the only thing that kept me here.
Barney: That's why I'm here, baby. I am your strength. I'm...Oh, my God. Hello, stranger. (He hangs up with the first woman prisoner and will talk to another who has just arrived) Barney Stinson, attorney. Let's talk about your output.
Woman: Hell, no!
The first woman throws herself on the other woman.
End flashback
Barney: Now I have letters from Becca who say, "I'll come see you the day I get out of here. I'll hang your eyes in my rearview mirror. "Women, eh?
Ted: You see? Are you afraid of Becca. Lily is afraid of Gazeur. (Marshall head out from under the table) are still under the table.
Marshall: We do not need. Stella is a party.
Ted: Oh, my God. That's it, and that's it, the style Ohio. The problem manifested itself. It has been avoided. It is a party.Here you can dine in peace...
Marshall: It comes back. (They go back under the table) We all think that you need... Wait, where is Barney? (Barney is in the next table) We think you should talk to him.
Robin: Not me.
Marshall: What?
Robin: If the last person I wanted to see, came in I would not talk to him.
Ted: Really?
Lily: Who is it?
Robin: My father.
Barney: Boy, this sure is another table. What are we talking?
Lily: From Robin's father.
Robin: I have not spoken to him in 3 years and I want to start now.
Lily: Why?
Flashback
A woman is giving birth.
Robin: It goes back to my birth.
Man: Come on, give me my son. Grows.
End flashback
Robin: He wanted a son and the fact that I am a girl has not changed.
Ted: How so?
Robin: My full name is Robin Charles Scherbatsky, Jr. And it only got worse.
Flashback
Robin's father gives him a g*n.
Robin: At 8, he took me hunting for the first time. I want to sh**t a deer.
Father of Robin: Trivia, RJ sh**t a deer is the most noble goals.
Robin: But they're cute.
Father: You said the same about our rabbits. You remember how they were delicious?
End flashback
Robin: My body started to change...
Barney: Wait a second. Sorry, continues.
Robin: It was increasingly hard for him to act as if I was a boy.
Flashback
Robin: The worst moment came in my 14 years. My junior hockey team had just won the "Squamish Invitational." And everybody came to my house to celebrate.
Father: Guys, you have behaved splendidly there on the ice.Splendidly. You go outside. I come back with soft drinks and pretzels.
Boy: I can not believe you hast missed the last sh*t, silly.
Robin: You're an idiot.
Boy: No, it's you, the idiot.
Robin and kissing the boy when his father returns, and drops the tray.
Father: What do you do? You are teammates, hockey players.Teammates do not kiss! Hockey players do not kiss! Oh, my God. I have no son.
End flashback
Barney: My poor. Being forced to grow up in Canada with America, right next door.
Marshall: It's sad for your father, Robin, but congratulations for this game.
Robin: And Kyle and I are doing anything serious. It was only the blue line.
Barney: The blue line?
Robin: You know when you're a kid, you give the terms of hockey at all? The blue line is the kiss, the red is to be naked, and I think that "crease" speaks for itself. After that, my relationship with my father has cooled. I moved with my mother, let my hair grow, was a Canadian pop star. Young normal stuff.
Lily: You do not think you'd feel better if you talked to him?
Robin: That's just it. It would be useless. This is history, it's done. I would say what? "I wish not to be raised as a boy, that thou teach me not to hunt, fish and smoke cigars and drinking scotch because girls do not do that. And you know why I run like a girl? Because I am one. "
Ted: You kept it for quite some time, eh?
Robin: Yes.
Ted: It has returned to you.
Marshall: Sorry.
Barney: It's hot.
Ted (2030): And I realized... all my friends were haunted, but there was a difference between my and their ghosts. It was not too late for me.
Ted: I'll talk to him. (They go out from under the table, but Stella is gone) She's gone. I'll catch up.
Barney: There, there.
They leave the restaurant and the taxi from Stella.
Ted: There she is!
Ted, Barney, Robin, Marshall and Lily are in a taxi.
Ted: I see. It is two taxis right front. Not lose it, OK?
Marshall: Well, well you do. You're going to confront it.
Ted: I will face it.
Robin: This is so exciting.
Ted: Bluntly.
Lily: You're gonna say what?
Ted: I will say, "Sorry it did not work. "We will discuss in adults. She'll tell me his views and... I will listen. What I should have done more before.
Barney: You can fly it into the lamp? Fasten your seat belts!Not you, Ted.
Marshall: You have to get angry. Go ahead. Looking good.
Ted: Come on. There is no question of moving his arms, stomping feet and get angry. This is Stella and I finally communicating. Clearly, it was...
Marshall: Stella hated Star Wars. She lied to you. Seeking your feelings. You know it's true.
Ted: That's his problem.
Barney: Come on, Ted. She left you on the altar.
Robin: I understand!
Ted: In the name of all that is sacred...
Lily: Wait, wait! Where it goes? His taxi has missed the exit for the Lincoln Tunnel.
Robin: Why take it away to bring him back in New Jersey, anyway?
Ted: Maybe she goes to his office.
Marshall: No.
Flashback
At the restaurant...
Marshall: The waiter asked him: "Do you want covered? "And she said:" I'm going home. "
End flashback
Ted: If she goes to her, why you go to...? Oh, my God. Tony lives in the city center. "At home" is Tony's apartment. She would move in with me in New Jersey and moved to town, Tony? The bitch!
Marshall: Finally. Finally, my friend.
Ted: I have the balls too!
Marshall: I know and I love it! It's great! Sir, we will pay gladly handle that has been broken. I love Ted angry!
Ted: Me too!
Marshall: Lets get out, man, let out.
Lily: She stops.
Ted: That's it. That's it!
Marshall: Yes, Ted. Come on, buddy!
Robin: Get rid of your demons!
Barney: I have ants in my leg!
Lily: OK, wait. Wait...
Marshall: What are you doing?
Lily: Wait. Listen, Ted, it's great that you're angry...
Marshall: Sure.
Lily:... and that you face all that, but... you only have one chance. Take a moment and think about what you will say.
Ted: I know exactly what I say. (Ted comes out of the taxi) You chose the wrong guy. You chose the wrong guy. You did a very, very, very bad choice. What were you thinking? This guy? You kidding me? Have you learned anything these past 8 years? You'll be sorry. You know it? You'll be sorry, and you can do anything about it because it is too late. Anything you can do is start up your life miserable and disappointing that will never be as happy as it could be with me. Goodbye.
Stella: Ted, wait.
Ted: Look, I'm not there to pick you. I am here because I need to know that you know you've made the worst mistake of your life.
Stella: I know.
Ted: Okay. (Ted is still in the taxi) This is what I say.
Marshall: It kills!
Barney: From cold blood.
Lily: Okay, tell him that.
Ted down the taxi and went to see Stella who does the same.
Ted (2030): So I got out of the cab, ready to tell her everything, ready to explode but then...
Tony is dating his daughter, Lucy in her arms.
Lucy: Mom!
Ted (2030): Here we go at once. And it was over. At this point, I was not angry. I saw that she was made to be with him.Children, you might think that the only choices are to swallow his anger, or swing at someone. There is another option: you can let it flow, and when you do that, we can forget and move forward. And that was the perfect ending to a perfect love story.It was just not mine. Mine was always there, waiting for me.
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x06 - Happily Ever After"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted's friends are in McClaren's.
Barney: I'm not impressed by the talent here tonight. And more I drink, the less it is attractive. I'm a whiskey and Coke in the Cantina scene in Star Wars.
Ted: And those girls over there? They are cannon.
Barney: Absolutely not.
Lily: Are you kidding? I have hated as soon as I saw them. So they are cannon. In fact, I've hated almost as much as Robin when I've ever known.
Robin: You hate me?
Lily: A max.
Marshall: Barney, they are canon.
Barney: There is so much to learn. You are only victims of...the effect cheerleaders. Good question. The effect cheerleading is when a group of women air cannon, but only in groups. As with the cheerleaders. They look like cannon, but take them individually? Cod.
Ted: Anything.
Barney: Look at it carefully. Individually.
Marshall: I know. The last one is kinda cute.
Lily: Yeah, really cute.
Barney: And this, my friends, is "the effect cheerleaders." Also known as the paradox of a bridesmaid syndrome sorority, and for a brief moment in the 90s, the conspiracy of the Spice Girls.Scary Spice, indeed. (His phone rings) Barney Stinson. OK.Understood. Great, we remember.
Ted: What?
Barney: Apparently, I'll be a father.
GENERIC
Ted: You're gonna be a father? How will it happen?
Barney: It's a girl I plugged in a few weeks ago. It is not certain.She sees the doctor tomorrow.
Lily: That may be a false alarm. It is perhaps not pregnant.
Barney: No part of Barney Stinson does not run at less than 110%. If one of my Michael Phelps escaped, he swims for gold. It's a nightmare. I want no children. How can want to have children without being mad?
Barney leaves the bar.
Ted (2030): When you're 30 and you're a couple, something weird happens.
Flashback
Lily and Marshall are sitting on the steps at the entrance of the apartment. Several strollers pass and they get excited to see them.
Ted (2030): You start to see babies everywhere.
Then a woman walks with a dog and a child on his stomach, followed by several puppies Marshall: Go.
Ted (2030): Marshall and Lily caught baby fever. And their neighbors did not help.
Marshall and Lily are their neighbors.
Marshall: You have not lost a sock, little guy? This is probably the cutest little thing I've ever seen.
Woman: That's my little plug!
Ted (2030): That night, they had a serious discussion and hands-on children.
Marshall and Lily are in their apartment, sitting on the couch.
Lily: So if you have a baby, you think you can work less?
Marshall: No matter, it will be so cute, I'm going to exhaust the first day.
Lily: And for the money? It has a ton of debt.
Marshall: We count the unpaid bills on her pretty little fingers.Let's make a baby.
Lily: Now?
Ted (2030): There was just one problem.
Robin: Push yourself. I recorded The View. This problem and was unemployed and sleeping on the couch.
Marshall: So, Robin, when you're in for the job and apartment?
Robin: Are not you aware? I am a presenter on CNN. And I have made gold a terrace overlooking Central Park. Get out of your ass's head, Marshall.
Ted (2030): They realized that if they wanted to start a family, they had the plan.
End flashback
Lily: Robin, would you mind not sleeping with Ted tomorrow night? I... prepares a special dinner for Marshall.
Marshall: Just a dinner. That's it. Nothing else.
Robin: Okay, but you better not be as they stuck together when I cans on the roof. "My ears. The neighbors called the cops.You almost h*t me. "
Marshall: Enjoy it. It is a good time.
Barney is in a church, and pray.
Barney: God? It's me, Barney. Are you okay? I know we will not speak often, a bunch of girls said your name on my account. Great. But, God... If you could get out of there, I swear I'll never, never... never, never, never... (His phone rings and people have turned to him) Wait, man. Barney to the device.Really?
He leaves the church happy and dancing.
It happens in Marshall's office.
Barney: Good news! I'm not a father!
Marshall: Congratulations, buddy.
Barney: This is the best time of my life, Marshall. What I feel in having no children? I have never thought something like it as much. That's why I created a public holiday. Now, today is "Day of Non-fathers."
Marshall: You create a holiday?
Barney: Why not? Everyone has one: mothers, fathers, soldiers. Why not a day for singles who like it?
Marshall: It looks like a big day of Valentine's Day.
Man: Hello, Stinson.
Barney: Hi. How are the children?
Man: Ready for tonight, Eriksen? Big merger.
Marshall: That's between me and my wife, sir.
Man: The meeting with Mr. Li Tonight.
Marshall: I thought it was a lunch.
Man: Yes, in China. This is a teleconference with the Chinese.I count on you.
Lily is making dinner when the phone rings.
Lily: Marshall?
Marshall: Baby. It's lunchtime in China.
Lily: Yeah.
Marshall: It's not a euphemism. Listen... Wait, what does that mean?
Lily: I know, hot bread, spicy pork? Stuff like that. You come not tonight, right? You shake your head for "no"? That's what I thought.
Ted and Robin arrive at the apartment Marshall and Lily.
Lily: Thank you for coming so quickly.
Robin: Are you okay? You looked upset on the phone.
Lily: Marshall and I, we took the decision to have a great...dinner. And I thought I was ready for a... dinner. But he called to cancel, and it got me thinking. Is it too early for us to make a... Dinner?
Ted: I had lunch early, so I can eat.
Lily: Dinner, it's a baby!
Robin: Lily, it's horrible!
Lily: No, I need you to clarify a situation for me.
Robin: What?
Lily: Are we ready, Marshall and me to have a baby? So, are we ready to have a baby or not?
Ted: We can not decide for you. It's huge.
Robin: You know what is huge? Marshall's head. It is as big as a watermelon in late August. Marshall's baby who is passing by?
Ted: He thinks what?
Robin: A lot of things in the helmet of the space of 50 years who serves as its head.
Lily: Marshall is really excited. But I think he sees only the good sides of it.
Flashback
Lily and Marshall are with their neighbor.
Lily: The other day while playing with the little Jeremy, I was talking with his mother.
Woman: Thank you for the invitation. It's been a while since I have not told an adult. Well, except my husband. But "For you to change" and "Make him be silent," it's not really count as conversation. Sorry, I ramble. It's been 7 months that I have not kissed. That's it, I start! Lack of sleep! Wait, I cry there, though?It happens to me often. I will not complain. Here, I feel bad!That's my little plug! I love you so much!
End flashback
Lily: I will be as carbon copy Charlotte. Worse. At least, her husband works at home. Well, he deale of shit, but it is a caring father.
Ted: Marshall is a very good father.
Lily: Marshall is always at work, and I'm afraid to h*t all the work if we have one now.
Ted: You panic and you see only bad side.
Robin: I think it's just realistic.
Lily: Well, that's perfect. That's why I called you. Ted, you're for children. Robin, you're against. Councillors, please proceed.
Ted: OK, I know you're afraid of not being ready. But we think ever be. You just take the plunge and it will come naturally.
Robin: Of course for you, it is natural, you're practically already a father.
Lily: You're a father too.
Ted: What are you talking?
Flashback
At the bar...
Robin: Ted, thoughtful. You go out jokes father of super lame.
Ted: A cereal k*ller! A cereal k*ller!
At the apartment...
Robin: You make us moral. Like when you broke your ship in a bottle.
Ted: I'm not sorry. I'm just disappointed.
Barney: That's it!
Robin: Shut up!
At the restaurant...
Robin: And you do that thing that all fathers are with the waitresses.
Waitress: My name is Lori. I'll be your waitress tonight.
Ted: Hello, Lori, me, this is Ted. I will be your customer tonight.Before leaving, tell me. What is a k*ller in a wheat field? No index.
End flashback
Lily: She's right. Perhaps you're single and childless, but you're really a redneck dad.
Ted: I do not appreciate that tone, young lady.
Barney and Marshall are in the conference room.
Barney: The No-Fathers Day is a success! Laraby Finklestein and help me celebrate. Matt. Mugs "Best Non-Father of the world." There... T-shirts "Who is your daddy? "Available on fetedesnonperes.com. Looking greeting cards.
Marshall: "For everything you do for your pear, for all the tape on your desk, on the road darkens your Porsche Carrera, I wish you... a night of threesome. Happy Birthday Non-Fathers. "
Barney: Look at the illustration.
Marshall: It looks like an Asian hooker.
Barney: Because at the Non-Fathers Day, you have a Thai girl you a blowjob. Tope, puns!
Back to Lily and Marshall...
Lily: It puts you in the mash, then. Your only hope is to be negative.
Ted: I'll tell you why my opponent says it all. Three words: fear of... babies.
Robin: What? You're crazy. This is false.
Ted: Really?
Flashback
Ted: And when we saw my cousin and her baby? She's so cute!
Cousin: You want to wear it?
Robin takes the baby and passes it directly to Ted.
Ted: Where the party that Lily had done for her friend Erika?You do feel for this baby?
Robin: I do not want to bite.
Ted: And do not forget...
They are watching TV and she starts crying and runs into Ted's room.
Marshall: Pub with baby talk?
Ted: Pub with baby talk.
End flashback
Ted: But you're not like that. You like children too.
Lily: Yes, I'm lovely, beautiful and brilliant, but it's enough?
Robin: It comes down to one word: "you". Are you ready to put your dreams in the background? Back in college, taught art at the university? You have to concentrate on the project before starting Lily Baby Project. Otherwise, you'll regret it forever.And it would be good neither for you nor for the baby. What is it?
Lily: The sock Jeremy. I will make a baby.
Robin: Well, and everything I said?
Lily: But sock.
Robin: And Marshall who works all the time?
Lily: But sock.
Robin: But but Lily Project!
Lily: With small fish.
Robin: We had this debate, and this is the sock that makes you make the decision?
Ted: I think you're taking a "chausettogari", eh, Robin?
Robin: Shut up, Dad.
Ted: You, shut up, baby-phobic.
Robin: Babies are scary, OK? With their giant eyes. And seriously, the fontanelle? If there is a self-destruct button, at least, hide it where it will not accidentally press.
Ted: Where is Lily? You have to drink?
Robin: Not a drop.
Ted: I do not either.
Marshall at work...
Men: Meeting in 5 minutes. You better be on top for Mr. Li This haunts my nightmares. Finally, have fun well, small.
Marshall enters his office and Lily is lying on it.
Lily: Put a baby in me, Marshall. I'm ready.
Marshall: What are you doing here?
Lily: I'm ready. This is the big night. Removing your seed melon-headed in my belly.
Marshall: What?
Lily: Come on, come on. Make me a baby. I'm ready. Hey, look. The types of the other building make me cuckoo. Hello, gentlemen! We will make a baby!
Robin and Ted are in a taxi.
Ted: I dream, it has been lost.
Robin: That's why I have no children. We can not even taking his eyes for a second.
Marshall: I can not find my file.
Lily: I'm all out of "A" to "G".
Robin: They sit there with their stupid bottles. They cry. They vomit. That's why babies, it sucks.
Ted: That's good that we have broken. I had totally forgotten your psychosis on the kids.
Robin: My psychosis? Whenever you hear the word "kid", you have two small Milk tasks on your shirt.
Ted: God thank you, you're not my mother. You're an ice queen. All you have breastfed baby by a frozen brain.
They arrive at the bar.
Robin: Do not depict me as a monster for wanting to remain independent. In there is a lot of people who do not want it.
Barney: My brother, lay your hand on the box tops and repeat after me. Me, the false name you give to women.
Man: I, Johnny Banana.
Barney: Swear to always choose the wet t-shirts to wet diapers.
Man: Swear to always...
Ted: You're in good company there.
Robin: I'll see if the toilet. I also want to bring you back buffer.
Ted: Okay. When you have finished, you could ask a magician to heart.
Robin: You know what? I should find another place to sleep.
Ted: No argument.
Robin: Well.
Ted: Super.
Barney: Welcome to our fraternity of non-paternity. In is one of ours.
Marshall made his speech.
Marshall: Gentlemen, Mr. Li, if you will go to page 5 of your file merge. I think...
Lily goes on a chair, a f*re extinguisher in his hands.
Man: What has he, Eriksen?
Marshall: Nothing. I think you are... very beautiful today.
Man: What are you looking?
Marshall: I look at the future... of our two companies and it seems very... naked. Will you excuse me one second?
Mr. Li: No one saw the girl drunk?
At the bar...
Barney: Guys, you did not... This is a picture of me without children. And with macaroni glued to the frame. Guys, I love it.
Robin: Lily is not there.
Ted: Your cell phone rang. I answered. Hope it bother you. Lily is at Marshall. She is fine.
Robin: thank you God. What?
Ted: When storing your mobile, I found something in your bag.
Robin: I have a permit for that. And the other thing is a gift.
Ted: You've stolen the Ca sock Jeremy.
Robin: No. I do not know what she's doing there. It must have fallen into it. Bizarre!
Ted: "Falling in? "
Robin: Or Lily put it there for fun. That bitch is stuffed. I took it.It's just... so cute. Sock.
Ted: Robin Scherbatsky, you get the idea of having children?
Robin: I know. One day, perhaps. When I'm 70. Science will catch me. I'm just... I'm lost right now. I'm unemployed, I live on a couch.
Ted: There were two difficult months both. I have a room free.Why not come to me in the meantime?
Robin: Really?
Ted: Yeah.
Robin: Thank you, Ted. I have some ideas, so it will be one week, two large max.
Ted (2030): And this is how your aunt Robin moved in with me.
Lily Marshall back in his office.
Lily: I'm bored. Come and dance. Come fly a liquor store!
Marshall: We're going nowhere. Each time we go out when you're drunk, you always fall asleep when you enter the...
Lily and Marshall get on a taxi.
Lily: Let's dance! We gonna party all night!
Lily sleeps.
Marshall: Can you make several turns to make sure she is asleep?
Driver: Sure.
At the bar, Barney joined Ted and Robin to the table.
Barney: The last great idea for Fathers Day-No, a pregnancy test, but instead of a blue line, there is a small blue Barney who does that.
Ted: Day of Non-Fathers, it sucks. It's a feast for the losers.
Barney: What are you talking? This is a good group of friends.
Ted: This is the effect cheerleaders.
Barney: No, Ted. It works for girls.
Robin: Look at these guys, individually. These geniuses are not childless by choice, my friend.
Ted: Good night, Barney.
Robin: Good night.
Ted and Robin out of the bar, leaving Barney alone.
Barney: Sock.
Marshall joined Lily in the kitchen.
Marshall: I smell pancakes with chocolate?
Lily: No, you feel "pancake, I'm sorry for being such a stupid drunk" chocolate.
Marshall: There's no "I wish not to throw up on you" bacon?
Lily: Of course.
Marshall: Baby...
Lily: I blame myself for last night. I was really painful. I just panicked at the thought of whether we are ready to parent. But you are so well taken care of me. I know you're gonna be a good father.
Marshall: I want to be a father now.
Lily: What?
Marshall: Last night, it was just... I share between work and drunk baby Lily, it was too. I just begin with this job, I work long hours... I love you. And I really want to have children one day.I just want... I want to be ready for that.
Lily: Me too. When we're ready, I know you'll be fantastic.
Marshall: You too.
Lily: You wanna make love, by protecting themselves now?
Marshall: Yes.
Lily: You want to finish your bacon first?
Marshall: You're the perfect woman.
Barney sings karaoke.
Barney: "And the cat is in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man on the Moon. When are you going back home, Dad? I do not know when we're together then, son I know we will have a good time. "
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x07 - Not a Father's Day"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Children at the end of 2008, your Aunt Robin was unemployed and a little adrift, so his friendship with Lily was more important than ever.
Lily and Robin are in McClaren's.
Robin: So, it seems that Marshall has to work late on Friday.You know what that means, party girls.
Lily: Well, a teacher at my school, Jillian, a birthday. What?
Robin: It's just that... I have never heard of this before Jillian, and suddenly, it's your best friend. You do not stop talking about her.
Lily: Do not be jealous. We hang out together all the time.
Robin: Yeah, but Marshall is still there. There was not much time to talk, just us two.
Lily: This is false.
Flashback
At the apartment Marshall and Lily, Lily and Robin are sitting on the couch.
Robin: This is where the story gets really good. So it goes...
Marshall: Hi.
Robin:... place. And then this... guy talking about this thing with the stuff of which I spoke the other day about this place.Well, anyway... it happened.
Marshall: My God. You and the guy the mayor's office did it to the UN under the office of Ambassador of Zaire? Cool.
End flashback
Robin: I wish we had time for girls. I love Marshall, but I am not free to express myself.
Lily: Come with me and Jillian, then.
Robin: OK, but I want to stay too late because... (Marshall and Ted joined them at the table) Do you remember... this thing last month after going there? You know who said it was going, but she gave me tips.
Marshall: You always mycoses?
GENERIC
Barney: I want to take this moment.
Marshall: Which one?
Barney: The last time you and I are just competing for the title of best friend Ted.
Ted: Marshall is my best friend.
Barney: Exactly. Draw. But it's all about to change. Is it correct that you are an architect?
Ted: My best friend does not, but still.
Barney: You draw what now?
Ted: Well, you renovate the library Nouillorc.
Robin: That's great!
Ted: No, not the New York Public Library. This is the library Nouillorc, in Dakota. Their books are in two parts: fishing and not fishing.
Barney: I think you'll love what's happened at work.
Flashback
Barney is in a meeting.
Bilson: While corruption has destabilized the regime and k*lled most of the royal family, it helped to relax banking regulation in Rangoon. Good for us. Last order of the meeting it was decided to continue on the project's new headquarters in the city of Goliath National Bank.
End flashback
Ted: Who's going to draw?
Barney: That was my first question.
Flashback
Barney: Who's going to draw?
Bilson: We approached a company. This Swedish architectural collective called Sven.
End flashback
Ted: Sven?
Ted (2030): Sven was this swedish architecture collective revered for their bold, innovative designs. I hated them.
Ted: I hate them. Swedish architecture collective.
Robin: No one.
Lily: Pretentious.
Ted: "It is not a company. It is a collective. "
Barney: I know. "We're Swedish. It's so cool with our baguettes and our Eiffel Tower. "
Marshall: Sweden, this is not France. You know that?
Barney: It's France. No matter, I told Bilson...
Flashback
Barney: Bislon, saving your...
End flashback
Barney: No, I get up, and I told Bilson...
Flashback
Barney: Bislon, saving your...
End flashback
Barney: Music. Imagine a patriotic music.
Flashback
Barney: Bilson, with all due respect... it would be terrible if a job that would suit American architects was relevant to a band of French. Where is our patriotism? Love of country? Our love of all that...
Bilson: Listen, Stinson, no one hates all the other countries of the world than me, but you have arguments?
Barney: Yes. I know a great American architect who would be perfect. Ted Mosby.
End flashback
Barney: All you have to do is come and offer your drawing, I take care of the Board, the project is yours.
Ted: You realize what a hero I'd be if I brought this project to my box?
Barney: It's not the best. We three, we'll work together.
Marshall: Ted will come to call.
Barney: Yes, totally.
Ted: What is it?
Barney: It works like this: one of us goes into the office the other and said...
Flashback
Marshall is in his office with two men. Barney comes to see.
Barney: Marshall, the teleconference begins soon.
Marshall: Sorry, I gotta go.
Barney: And then you go up on the roof... and drink beer.
Barney and Marshall are on the roof.
Marshall: It's great. Drinking at work.
Barney: Basically, it is of "Mad Men."
Marshall: Yes! There is too much "Mad Men"!
Barney: I'll spank a secretary.
Marshall: That's exactly what they would do in this series.
Barney: What series?
End flashback
Barney: And then you throw the bodies of cans at pigeons.
Marshall: I do not do that.
Ted: I love to do that.
Barney: I will realize your dream.
Ted: Seriously, Barney, from what I've lived with Stella, I have this opportunity... it touches me.
Ted (2030): It was true. You see, children, when I became an architect, I had a dream... contribute to building a panorama of New York. I wanted to point one of these buildings and say, "See that? That right there? This is mine. "This job was the opportunity to realize that.
Robin and Lily walk into a bar.
Robin: Your friend has a birthday here? She has what, 19?
Lily: No. Believe me, it's not his style. She must not know what kind of place this is.
Jillian: We're here, my little p *** sexy! We just get served!
All: Wooo!
Lily: Oh, my God. At school, she is so calm and normal. I thought it was not... a Woo.
Flashback
Ted (2030): What is Woo? Let me explain. Woo is a kind of a young woman, who, like the cuckoo and the nightingale, takes its name from its singular it produces. Also, a Woo can be triggered in different ways. On one particular song on the jukebox...
Jillian: My God, this song is my story too.
All: Wooo!
Ted (2030):... to a cheap sh**t. On a ride on a mechanical bull... up, everything and anything.
Jillian: Oh my God, I was afraid of not having fed the cat, then I remembered that I had done.
All: Wooo!
End flashback
Lily: I swear, at school, Jillian is not so Woo.
Robin: It was not like a Woo. Perhaps it is that holidays like Mardi Gras and the day of the year. Maybe this is a cyclical Woo.
At the apartment, Ted shows his drawing to Barney.
Ted: Okay, be cool with me. This is a first draft.
Barney: Ted, it's incredible. Detail. Shadows. The liveliness of the lines. This is exactly what Princess Leia would look like, topless.
Ted: My way of saying thank you. Okay, you wanna see my designs for the building?
Barney: No, that's fine.
Marshall enters the apartment.
Marshall: Listen to this. Lily sent me a text message. It was at this bar, The Giddy Ups with full of Woos.
Barney runs out.
The bar "Gippy Ups...
Jillian: My God, girls, my breast just out of my top bar. And no! I took it out for a drink blackjack!
All: Wooo!
Robin: So, Jillian, it seems that when you not flash the bartenders, you are mistress of CE1. How is it?
Jillian: If rewarding. I dunno if you know the RIE method, but it derives from the philosophy of progressive education Steiner founded the Waldorf school, which is... Oh my God, I love this song! Come on bitches, let's dance!
All: Wooo!
Jillian: You too, my ****** s.
Lily: No thank you... drag ignorant.
Barney: Lily Aldrin, little secretive. For years, I say that our g*ng needs a Woo, and thou hast hid me in a whole herd.
Lily: You do not need a Woo. Nobody needs it.
Barney: Attention Lily. The world badly needs the Woos. If there were not Woos, there would not Girls Gone Wild, no bachelor party girl, no pool bar in Las Vegas... all the things you hold dear would not exist.
Lily: None of this stuff...
Barney: Industry sh**t memories would collapse. Just like the glitter body and that of Hummer limos. The mini cowboy hats would be worn by the little cowboys. And when "Brown Eyed Girl" happen on a jukebox, you do not hear... that silence. And "Brown Eyed Girl." But who would Woo, Lily?Who would woo? Would you? You'd... Woo?
Jillian: Who wants to name my tits?
All: Wooo!
Barney: Well you'll excuse me, I have a date with Bataille and Fontaine.
Ted (2030): The weeks that followed, I immersed myself in work. It was great to be on a project I really wanted to heart.Finally, the morning of the presentation arrived.
Ted presents his project, the company Barney.
Ted: And we think this design will radiate timeless power and s*ab of the Goliath National Bank. Thank you, gentlemen.
Ted (2030): I came out pretty confident about my chances.That evening I met Barney.
Barney is sitting on the steps of a building.
Ted: Hey, Barney! Give me the good news.
Barney: You did not have.
Ted: What?
Barney: The Board... Sven decided to choose.
Woman (in a limo): Wooo!
In McClaren's...
Ted: I can not believe I had not. I thought I had h*t the nail. Why did they choose Sven?
Barney: I've done everything to change their minds. But they did not budge. I'm sorry.
Ted: It's really bad. After the way the last few months have passed... I guess I'd need more than I thought.
Marshall: You want to go to the current GNB building and just... I dunno, just a little pee on it?
Ted: I think I need it.
Barney: Finish Your Beer. Fill the machine.
They leave when Robin arrives.
Robin: It's been what?
Lily: Ted did not get the job. But this is not the biggest disappointment of the day.
Robin: What?
Lily: You were seen to Woo.
Robin: Given that, do Woo?
Lily: You who did Woo?
Robin: I have not done Woo.
Lily: Oh, yes.
Robin: That's not true.
Lily: Your nose is growing. You've become best friends with Jillian now?
Robin: It's just... You're married, I'm still single. Whenever I'm with you, I'm usually the 3rd wheel. Sometimes it's nice to go out with other singles and doing stuff you do not.
Lily: Like what?
Robin: As to Woo, Lily. As to Woo.
Lily: I can Woo.
Robin: That's not true.
Lily: But if.
Robin: It's not you, that.
Marshall is in his office when Bilson from the corridor.
Marshall: Bilson? I just wanna say, I know that you chose Sven, but... Ted Mosby is extremely talented, and... he would have made a hell of a job.
Bilson: Yes. I voted for him.
Barney is in the meeting room.
Barney: It's okay. All withdrawals at ATMs are free.
Marshall: Teleconference. Now.
Barney leaves the room and climbed onto the roof with Marshall.
Marshall: You wanna tell me something?
Barney: Good grief. I told Heather to put everything back as it was on your desk.
Marshall: Bilson told me he wanted to give the job to Ted.What has happened?
Barney: Okay.
Flashback
Ted presents his project.
Ted:... will radiate power and s*ab of the Goliath National Bank. Thank you, gentlemen.
Ted leaves the room.
Barney: So?
Bilson: It was great. I like it.
Barney: It looks like we had our man. I not think there need to see...
Man: I'm Sven Jorgensen. With me, there's Pilsen and Sven Sven Johanssen, and it is... Sven! You are the Goliath National Bank. You are at the forefront. You are new and fresh.Women want to be with you, men want to hurt you, but the fool who dares challenge you will be crushed! Your home office will show the world these facts. And one more thing... Do not look now! (It shows a dinosaur) Who is Barney Stinson, the head of the Research Committee?
Barney: Oh, my God. It's me!
Sven: You, Barney Stinson, are a man of power and virility.Your office will be here in the head of Tyrannosaurus.
Barney: I've never known so far, but I've always wanted.
Sven: On your desktop rosewood Honduras, there is this button.
Barney: What does this button?
Sven: Press! Press for the glory!
Barney supports and f*re proceeds from the mouth of the dinosaur.
Barney: It's building the coolest of the universe. It could not be more awesome.
Sven: There is a striptease club in the letter "N".
End flashback
Marshall: What is your problem? This is the big break of Ted!You have betrayed to work in the brain of a Tyrannosaurus, which, incidentally, if you knew the dinosaurs is very, very small.
Barney: It's not my office. The building was well Ted. That of Sven was better. And I will not let the fact that I am the best friend of Ted influence business.
Marshall: You have not chosen one of Sven because he was better. You wanted an office dinosaur.
Barney: It's a lie! I chose it because it... He breathes f*re, Marshall.
Marshall: "f*re Marshall".
Barney: I have not even paid attention.
Marshall: How could you do that to Ted after all that happened with Stella? You are an egoist.
Barney: I never made a career choice by selfishness. I am a professional. Go. Spend a good day, drunk, and throw the bodies of the pigeons.
Marshall: No. For two reasons. A, pigeons are smarter than you think. They are resentful. And two, it's our last conference call, Mr. Stinson. There are repercussions to ride a friend.
Barney: Like what?
Marshall: Because, that.
It removes the extinguisher that held the door and closes it, leaving Barney alone on the roof. Several pigeons land on the edge of the roof.
Back at the Bar "Gippy Ups"...
Jillian: My God, girls. Yesterday, we collected $ 10 000 for my charity that fights illiteracy children. It's a real problem.
Robin: Someone won a trip buttocks until the first dance floor of the canyon of spanking!
All: Wooo!
Lily: Wooo!
Robin: What are you doing here?
Lily: The same things are funny as singles.
Robin: That's what the fireman's helmet?
Lily: I had no cowboy hat, and it was the day of f*re safety at school... My God, ***** s. This is our theme.
Robin: Really? Who sings that?
Lily: LL Cool J stuff always comes out?
Barney is still on the roof but Sven had joined him.
Barney: That's great, Sven. You are so much cooler than Marshall. He has not even mix. Who wants a foam?
Sven: I do not understand. Where is the call?
Barney: It's the call. Got it? In America, when we work late, you lie on a conference call, and here we ascend a few beers. It's great.
Sven: It's a waste of time. Pumps!
The "Gippy Ups"...
Jillian: Misty, you're a real slut. We get another sh*t.
All: Wooo!
Misty: It's you, the slut, drag. It is you who pays.
All: Wooo!
Woman: No, ***** s, it is you who pays. You're too p *** a.
All: Wooo!
Lily: You are a bunch of prost*tute. You must have STDs.
Jillian: Come and dance.
Robin: Lily, it does not work. You should not be there.
Lily: I get it. Because I am happily married, I'm a schmuck?
Robin: On the contrary. Why do you think the Woo Woos have to when they win a drinking game? Or when a guy takes off his g*n t-shirt? Because that's all that life brings. These are...People really sad. And when she go out with someone who has it all, someone like you, it's disappointing. It takes them Woo.
Lily: You say that to make me feel not like an old married.
Robin: Look at those girls. Look at them and listen to what they mean Woo.
Woman: Wooo! ("I cry in the shower!")
Misty: Wooo! ("I've never had a second date!")
Jillian: Wooo! ("And if I was ever mother?")
Woman 2: Wooo! ("I'm secretly in love with Jillian!")
Ted: Wooo! ("My career and my love life going nowhere!")
Lily: The poor girls... and Ted. I want to give them a hug.
Robin: Right now I am like them. I have no job, no boyfriend, I'm confused. So... occasionally, I need to Woo, but when I need to talk about something concrete, it is to you I turn. You're my best friend.
Lily: And you, mine. And I promise to dedicate ourselves more time. Marshall did not need to paste something from being done.
Marshall: You have tested those purple sh*ts in test tubes? I took five. I believe that there is no alcohol in it.
Lily: Where did you get that hat?
Marshall: What hat?
Barney: It turned Sven.
Ted: What?
Barney: Those guys were morons. Of course, they had cool ideas... really cool ideas. In fact, I wonder if it's not too late...The fact is: you have the job.
Ted: Really?
Barney: The committee realized he had erred. In addition, you are precious to them and they want you to be happy.
Ted: It's weird.
Barney: Your plans were the best and you deserve it. You should know one thing that you did not get the job early. You see, Ted...
Marshall: It was Bilson. Bilson wanted to have a head office in the dinosaur, Barney convinced him that it was really, really stupid.
Barney: You know...
Ted: Thank you, Barney. I believe it. I brought in my box the largest contract that she had. Wooo! ("Now, only my love life is a disaster!") The next is for me.
Barney: Why you helped me?
Marshall: You did the right thing. You got a well deserved boost. And then it would have disappointed Ted, and it is finally... very happy for the moment.
Barney: You are truly the best friend Ted. And me too. Tie.Thank you, Marshall.
Ted (2030): Marshall eventually cracked and confessed the truth about Barney, like, ten minutes later, so much so that Uncle Barney attached to a mechanical bull, set to position "Mixed Paint" and it returned.
Ted: I love you, man.
Barney: Me too, buddy.
Ted: You mount the bull?
Barney: No, even if you pay me. I have an inner ear problem.
Ted (2030): It was a rather brilliant night.
Hours later, the "Gippy Ups"... A man stands Barney's mechanical bull.
Man: three hours. This is the record of the bar.
He falls down and the bull.
Barney: That's right, girls.
Woman: You know what would be really crazy, funny and stupid to do tonight? If you and I, we found a guy to do it for three.
Jillian: Maybe... If we find the right guy.
Barney tries to see the two young women, but falls.
Woman: Yes, and... if there is not the right guy, both could just...
Jillian: You know who is more cute? This guy, Ted. Come and get it.
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x08 - Woooo!"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Children, it is believed all know how long it takes to recover from a breakup.
At the apartment of Lily and Marshall, Lily and Ted in the kitchen.
Lily: Half the time the relationship.
Marshall: One week per month spent together.
At the apartment, Ted is sitting on the couch with Robin.
Robin: Just 10,000 glasses. No matter how long it takes.
It is now McClaren's with Barney.
Barney: You can not measure something like that in a while. It is step by step. From his bed at the front door. Bam! You're outside. Next!
Ted (2030): But you're beginning to recover when you meet the person who puts you in the game. This is the story of how I met this person. (Ted takes the elevator with a woman. She goes out and Ted is in the elevator) Children, if you go swimming, you immerse them directly. (Another, he finds himself again in the elevator with the woman) First, you dip your toe in the water.
Ted: Hi.
Woman: Hi.
She goes back to the elevator. And the next day, they are again in the elevator together.
Ted (2030): You take the temperature, to get an impression.
Ted: For me it's Ted.
Wife Vicky.
Then she goes out. Another day, between Ted and then take the elevator to spring. Vicky arrives and does the same. The elevator reaches the ground floor and ride the elevator together.
Ted (2030): And you come back gently into the water.
Ted: I was left on the altar, there is one month.
Ted (2030): Or, you know, the b*mb.
Ted: It was a complete disaster and since then I have not even managed to look at another woman. Except the old lady in the subway that makes break dancing. I look at it that way. I just watched. Finally, it is an old lady who made the break dance.And it is good. I will give him a dollar, the next time. Let's pretend I said it: These travel lift were asleep the moment of my week, and I would like to see you Friday night. In a lift. At the restaurant, nice. What do you think?
Vicky: Yes.
GENERIC
Ted (2030): Children, I saw a bunch of crazy stuff on entering the apartment all these years.
Flashback
On November 26, 2004, Ted returned to the apartment. There are two acrobats and Lily with its range of hand painting.
Lily: Sorry guys. I'll just make a fruit cup.
July 16, 2007, Barney was handcuffed and locked in a box filled with water.
Marshall: It's been 12 minutes!
December 15, 2006, Robin holds a g*n in his hands and also two men, including one on TV under his arm.
Robin: Put it!
Man 1: You first!
Man 2: Why you referred me, Ike?
Ike: Do not say my name!
Robin: Ask your w*apon!
May 8, 2009, a goat is in the living room.
End flashback
Ted (2030): But one of the craziest things I saw happened when I was a roommate with your Aunt Robin.
Ted returned to the apartment and found a naked man sitting on the couch.
Ted: You're who?
Man Mitch.
Ted: What are you doing, Mitch?
Mitch: You must be the roommate. I'm with Robin. She came out to take a call. I think its handheld gaming here.
Ted: Robin did not use the super secret signal. We put the old menu on the handle. This restaurant had to close. Mr. Popol...No need to explain why it's funny. I'm off. When leaving, take the pillow with you. This is a waste now.
Ted left the apartment. Robin is still out on the phone.
Robin: I think I am more than qualified for the job. My weaknesses? I would say too caring, overworked, and I spend my career first. Oops! The latter is true. What?
Ted finds Barney, Marshall and Lil McClaren's in there.
Ted: Apparently, our sweet, innocent, little Robin led a lover. A young skinny named Mitch.
Lily: His thing arranged? A real disaster. She sent me text messages all night. She just let go to use the bathroom.
Ted: Excuse me one minute.
He gets up and goes back to the apartment.
Mitch: Man, you annoy me. I am in action here.
Ted: What action?
Mitch: This is my technique. It's called, "The guy with hair."
Ted: "The guy naked?"
Flashback
Robin returned to the apartment with Mitch.
Mitch: That's the trick. You're the first date, you've had a few drinks, you go out an excuse to go to the girl.
Robin: The bathroom is. (His phone rings) You know what, I will respond.
Mitch: Then when she leaves, you undress and wait for you.When she returns, she laughs. She is so fascinated by your insurance, and your bravado she sleep with you.
End flashback
Ted: No chance it works!
Mitch: Two out of three.
Ted: Two out of three?
Mitch: Two out of three. You just choose your moment. "The guy naked" mostly run as a last resort, the last resort to first appointment when you know that there will be no second.
Ted: How do you know?
Mitch: Look at me.
Ted: I'd rather not.
Mitch: Robin is not in my division. I'm not smart, funny and handsome. As you can see, there is nothing impressive nowhere there. My only chance with a girl like Robin, is the surprise. And let's be honest, a little pity. This is shock and "Ohhh."
Ted: It does not work really.
Mitch: Two out of three. Guaranteed.
Back at the bar...
Marshall: No December '.
Ted: Two out of three. He assured me.
Barney: Seriously. No chance it works on Robin. It will come, take a look at this idiot and send tampers.
Lily: She'll b*at him up, yes.
Marshall: It's going to take his g*n and sh**t him.
They laugh and run off the bar. They arrive at the door where the menu is hung on the doorknob.
Marshall: My God!
Ted: It worked.
Marshall: The business returns for Mr. Popol.
At the bar...
Barney: "The naked guy" works! It will revolutionize the blows of an evening! It's like the forward pass in American football.Dunk the basketball. This stuff barber where they hold the wick and cut above. It changes everything!
Lily: Barney, this guy has slept with Robin, you say that being in love. How it makes you excited?
Barney: "The naked guy" is more important than me and Robin. All these years, I broke my ass, with my secret identity, my laps and my gadgets. I mean, I'm Batman. But this guy is Superman. He tears his clothes and go.
Lily: What kind of gadgets you talking about?
Ted: So, it's going to be, a roommate? I come home, and guys with whom you will go out sitting on the couch, naked.
Robin: I can not tell you.
Ted: I can not believe that "The guy with hair 'market has on you.
Robin: How do you say? I entered and he was naked. It was funny. I laughed, he laughed. And then it happened. I know not.
Marshall: I say ***** s!
Robin: Sorry?
Marshall: Sorry Robin, but cate with this type suggests that all that separates you from sex, it's the clothes.
Robin: I have not slept with Mitch because he was naked.
Marshall: So, why did you lie?
Robin: Because... It... It... because I like Mitch. Much. There was a... connection specificity. Specificity and feelings.
Marshall: Because he was naked. Sorry, but I disagree. There is only one reason to sleep with someone, and it is "love".Marshall is a big girl because he believes in love and read "And it was true" because the secretaries were forced to join the Oprah book club. But you know I'm right.
Lily: Marshall, I love you, but there are plenty of reasons to lie.
Marshall: Cite me one.
Lily: I will quote 50.
Marshall: You could not.
Lily: Number one: last Thursday.
Flashback
Marshall and Lily are in bed. Lily does not sleep.
Lily: Marshall, you wanna do?
Marshall: I'm here.
End flashback
Marshall: You have defiled the marital bed because you could not sleep?
Lily: It was you who said, "This shadow on the ceiling, it looks an awful clown toothless. Good night, Lily. "
Marshall: Okay! It makes one. But I dare you to...
Lily: I'll give you 50. There's sex reconciliation... breaking sex, and sex "a friend told you about a new position."
Barney: You're welcome. There is also "revenge", "bounce back", "parachuting". When you're traveling, but instead of going to the hotel, you'll live in a bar to find a girl to get a foothold.
Robin: Oh, that, "the kiss for a roof."
Marshall: ***** S!
Robin: I do not. My roommate in college did.
Marshall: No, Robin, it's just a bad cough. I'm not really a bad cough. We all know that the "roommate in college," it's you, ***** s! Nobody has a Strepsil?
Lily: Oh, I have one. Sex "bugger all on TV."
Ted: The sex "hotel room".
Barney: "Curiosity," style, "Me have always wondered how to do this is with a great girl." Big guy not a girl, just great. Like...if a normal girl was 2.10 m, 2.25 m high, and... wearing a mini denim skirt. I wonder how it is.
42 reasons later...
Robin: Sex, "He says he loves you, but do not want to say the same."
Lily: 43.
Ted: "The co-pilot who jumps on the grenade to a friend."
Lily: 44.
Barney: "Condoms will expire."
Lily: 45. It gets a little tough.
Barney: 46!
Lily: Still 4. "You make a crisp fall on his knees and the when you picked up, he thinks it is an approach, and it happens."
Marshall: Thanks for ruining the memory of the anniversary of our six months.
Lily: You gave me some chips.
Marshall: You can stop with this stupid list? You make me sad.
Lily: No, I have fun. But this thing of a "partner", it sucks sometimes. I always talk about you. I can not play "I never," because everyone knows all the quirks that I let you do.
Marshall: The only oddity that I did was to open my heart and my soul when I had put me to hair when the room was empty.
Robin: I have not slept with Mitch because he was naked!Mitch and I have something special. My fingers are crossed.That may be correct.
Marshall: The good? Mitch? The guy naked?
Barney: You mean the naked genius. All this time I wore a suit when I should have removed it. That's it. I "The guy naked," tonight. And you too.
Ted: What?
Barney: With the girl from the elevator. You're with her tonight?"Dude naked"!
Ted: This is the first girl I had the courage to invite, from Stella.
Barney: "Dude naked"!
Ted: This is the eighth place I try tonight! I cut my hair 3 times! I am out!
Robin: You're makeup?
Ted: It's not the makeup! It is a sun cream with a subtle shade of... It is for men. It's good, I want my eyes stand out.
Barney: "Dude naked"!
Ted: No, Barney, I like Vicky. It could be serious. I want to do anything stupid to jeopardize that.
Barney: I really like... this girl, but... I had not seen from behind. I really like... this girl. And I am willing to compromise our future for a night of glory. "Dude naked"!
Barney gets up and goes to see the woman at the counter.
Ted (2030): That night we all had something to prove. Robin wanted to defend his honor.
Robin (on phone): Mitch, baby, that's me. Robin. Want to grab something to eat tonight? Because you're my boyfriend!
Lily is sitting on the couch, when Marshall returns.
Ted (2030): Lily needed to prove she could finish his list.
Lily: I'm stuck. I find it the last 2.
Marshall: Reason 48: "To reinforce good behavior, such as shaving or dental hygiene." Now you conditioned me? Great!That's why I have an erection when I go floss.
Ted is the restaurant with Vicky.
Ted (2030): I had to prove that as scary as it may be out, Stella and I had forgotten I was ready to return. (Barney from the bar with a woman) And Barney had to prove that he too could be "The guy naked."
In women...
Barney: Thanks for letting me see your aquarium. You save my life.
Woman: Sure, no problem.
Barney: I just go to the bathroom and I'm off. Ted, I do. I "The guy naked"!
Ted: Me too!
Ted is in the living room of Vicky, naked.
Barney: You...
Ted: I do. I "The guy naked"!
Barney: It's great! Why did you change your mind?
Ted: The evening started well, but... not as good as I hoped.
Flashback
At the restaurant...
Vicky: Oh, my God! Ted, you're so funny! And I can tell you that you have beautiful eyes.
Ted: What, this old stuff?
The server reverses a pitcher on Vicky.
Vicky: Well done, hothead.
Server: I'm sorry.
Vicky: Stop! Go and tell the director he owes us an entry. One of those with shrimp! Nothing. You were saying? And then his cane missed the last step and fell, while, I swear, at least 2 minutes. God, I love old.
End flashback
Ted: When I realized that there was no future in this relationship, I decided to do.
Barney: Great! OK, the important question: What will your pose "naked guy"?
Ted: It's a good question. I have not really thought.
Barney: I thought "Superman."
Ted: And the "Captain Morgan"?
Barney: And "Oops, I did not have you seen?"
Ted: The Thinker?
Barney: And the Heisman?
Ted: Mr. Clean?
Barney: The "Burt Reynolds".
Robin is the restaurant with Mitch.
Robin: It's a pleasure to see you again. I really enjoyed it last night. So how does it feel to hold a Pizza Hut? Who had the idea to put a pineapple in the...
Mitch: OK, enough. I know what it is. I have already given. This is the hot date "I'm not a ***** s".
Robin: What? It's crazy. Usually, you see clearly in my game, but there you are mistaken.
Mitch: C'mon, Robin. One of us has had a good time, and you know it's me.
Robin Mitchell... Thing is... not true!
Mitch: Really? How was the sex?
Robin: I have not hated.
Mitch: Did you see my technique. That's it. I have nothing to offer you. I am ruined, I sweat when I eat, and I'm in fantasy football leagues 5. I talking about it. Believe me, you want to be.
Robin: What? Of course I do! I did not sleep with you just because you were naked.
Mitch: But if. And now you pretend that it was more to feel better. Say what you want, at least "The naked guy" is honest.
Ted and Barney are always on the phone, naked in the living room of Vicky and the other in the bathroom of another woman.
Ted: What do you think of the good old "Baby Cadum"?
Barney: The Olympic gymnast successful landing.
Ted: I gotta go.
Barney: "Dude naked"!
They hang up.
Ted: It's nice home!
Vicky: Thank you, from you, it's a real compliment. I love you to be an architect, it's fascinating. I could listen to you talk about design structures all night.
Ted (2030): This is where I saw, lying on the table, a book of love poems by Pablo Neruda. The same issue I had in college. And the bookmark was my favorite poem. Maybe I was wrong about this girl. It was perhaps a future.
Ted: Damn!
He dressed quickly. Vicky returns to the show.
Vicky: And that's it.
Ted: Pablo Neruda.
Vicky: Yeah, this book is a shit. An idiot with whom I left it out there. This is in Mexico. (She returns to the kitchen) You know who writes good poems? Jewel. She has rotten teeth and she lives in a car. It has stuff to tell.
When she returns, Ted is naked. Barney is naked in the hallway, in the woman he met at the bar. And Lily is naked in the apartment.
Ted joined Marshall and Lily to McClaren's.
Ted: "The naked guy" works! I just sleep with a horrible person. I'm back!
Marshall: Congratulations, buddy.
Ted: You're not the only one who provided e "Dude-haired."
Flashback
Marshall discovers Lily naked in the living room.
Marshall: You just want to do to change the subject.
Lily: Hey, it's 49! It worked?
Marshall: As if I had just flossing.
Lily: I love you.
Marshall: It's been 50.
End flashback
Ted: Pretty! What made you ask?
Lily: It's "I have breasts."
Marshall: right on target.
Mitch and Robin arrive.
Ted: My God! Guys, guys! That's him! This is "The guy naked"!
Robin: Ted, his name is Mitch. And... this is my boyfriend. So...
Marshall: Okay, I'll treat you more ***** s.
Robin: Okay you can go. It's over.
Mitch: Thank you.
Ted: Wait, Mitch, I have to thank you. We all tried "The guy naked," tonight.
Marshall: We should see what is Barney.
He calls Barney but the young woman who wins.
Woman: Hello?
Marshall: Hi, Barney's there?
Woman: No.
Flashback
When the woman discovers Barney naked, she starts shouting.
Woman: My God. What is your problem? Vire!
Barney: I take my costume. It is expensive. Just tie...
Woman: Get out, now! Releases, you ugly whack!
Barney: Call me.
End flashback
Woman: And if I see him, I called the cops.
She throws the phone in the toilet.
Mitch: Two out of three.
Ted: I want you to know tonight, as crazy as it was, took me out of my shell.
Mitch: That's the beauty of the "naked guy." It gives you just what you need. Nothing more, nothing less. If you'll excuse me, I have to replace the shoulder of one of my quaterbacks imaginary football. He dislocated his shoulder!
Ted: A toast... Mitch. The sum of its parts makes him a man.But when it serves its parts, it becomes much more. It does not fit the definition of a hero, but he is the one I needed. The hero who helped me get over the disaster of the failure of my marriage and I was almost back in the saddle. He lives in the shadows. Is this a dream? The truth? A fiction? Damnation?Salvation? It is all that and also, no nothing. Because it is..."The guy with hair."
Barney is naked in the street.
Woman: My God!
He arrives at a costume store for sale.
Barney: thank you God.
He goes his way, naked.
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x09 - The Naked Man"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Why do they fight? What is it hidden in us that drives us to settle disagreements with our fists? (In Lily's class, two boys fight) Whatever it is, this is from the beginning.
Lily: Stop fighting!
Boy 1: Why?
Lily: It's stupid and childish.
Boy 2: It has been six years. It is stupid and childish.
Ted (2030): Children, I fought just once in my life. And that's how it happened. You know I have recently been abandoned at the altar. And the worst when it comes to us, apart from being abandoned at the altar, is what happens after. A steady stream, persistent and unbearable pity.
At McClaren's, Wendy brings drinks to Marshall, Lily, Barney, Ted and Robin.
Wendy: Cranberry Vodka, gin and tonic. Scotch and soda.
Ted: Thank you. Can I see the menu?
Wendy: Ted, I'll get you a menu... but I promise I will return.
Ted: We'll have to go elsewhere. In this bar, I will always be the guy left at the altar. It sucks!
Barney: Good times.
Ted: We lost Barney.
Robin: What?
Lily: There's a girl there in a sweater wrap. He does not listen to a word they say. Hein, Barney?
Barney: Leave me alone!
Ted: He understood, there is little time, he could hold a conversation with just the titles of sitcoms "black" of the 70s and 80s.
Barney: What's going on?
Lily: Barney, you wanna go and get my stuff does not Marshall?
Barney: Diff'rent Strokes.
Man: What is this?
Ted (2030): I spoke to Doug, children? Not? Well...
Flashback
In McClaren's...
Ted (2030): Doug Martin was in McClaren's bartender. He was always in the corner.
Barney: You... Been to Ted?
Ted: It is not play "You know Ted."
Barney (a pencil in his nose): I'm d*ad? (Doug misses and laughs) I'm d*ad? (It is disguised as a woman) Tonight... I am a lesbian.
Ted (2030): There are three things to know about Doug. The first is that Doug is a bit violent.
Doug:... collapsed, so he's down. And it hits him! He made this face, trembling. What we did is that we left it there. I ressers?
Ted (2030): The second is that he was weird about her hair...
Doug: What?
Ted: What?
Doug: You look at my hair?
Ted: No, sir. Not at all.
Doug: That's a dummy. It's funny? Want to laugh? It's funny?Why you do not tear out?
Ted: What?
Doug: Go ahead, tear it out of my head. Go ahead. Want to pull? Go. Go, go and pluck it out. You want to tear my head?Pluck my hairpiece my head. I love you, guys!
Ted (2030): But the third is that he was very faithful with its regulars.
Ted, Lily Marshall, Barney and Robin arrive at the bar.
Doug: There they are! You want your table?
All: We will be well by then.
Doug: Yes? Yes?
Ted (2030): Maybe a little too faithful.
Doug: No, that's right, all right. (He goes to the usual table where Ted and his friends are) Lovebirds! Put it elsewhere, this table is reserved. Here we go! Now! Go! We move, my Father. Here we go. OK, guys, here!
End flashback
Ted (2030): So that's Doug.
Doug: What is this?
Ted: Some guys are sitting at our table. But you know, it's good.
Doug: Let's go, I take care of that.
Lily: Damn, there goes.
Doug: Ladies, if you will join your table. Gentlemen, I need your help out.
Ted: Our help?
Doug: We're going down the aisle and fight with these guys.
Barney: What's going on?
GENERIC
Ted: Sorry, you just said...
Doug: These guys are off-handedness. So we go outside and they fit in, OK? It's gonna be fun!
Doug part.
Ted: He wants to be fought? As with our hands and stuff?
Marshall: And your feet maybe? I do not know the rules.
Ted: A fight. We gotta go?
Barney: No, I would fight for three things, the closing of a stubborn bra, accusations of sexual harassment... 9 of 9! And wanted to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit.
Marshall: The fighting is for dummies. We are civilized people, civilized people not fight. Except with a lightsaber, but that's in for 3 or 5 years...
Robin: That's not true.
Marshall: I'm on the forums every day. In 3-5 Thanksgiving, I découperai turkey with my saber green.
Robin: No, I say there are plenty of legitimate reasons to fight, it is perhaps not beautiful, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Ted: Yes, I forgot. She is sexy fights.
Robin: No, it's true! I love it! I have a culture of hockey. If a guy is a fighter, it is rather sexy. And scars, seriously! If a guy has one, it has a Robin. And if he lost a tooth, I lose my panties.
Barney: I lost my wisdom tooth. Without surgery. Local anesthesia. Frankly, it's nothing.
Ted: We should go.
Lily: I can not believe that we have this discussion. Ted, you're 30, you're too old to act like that.
Ted (2030): I was 30. And of those 30 years, I was struck once.
Flashback
Ted is in a bar.
Ted: There is an explanation very simp...
A man gives him a punch.
End flashback
Ted (2030): There was this thing in colo.
Flashback
Ted is in the forest with children.
Ted: Today we are going to braid friendship bracelets.
A pat on the boy's private parts and they run off.
Ted (2030): In college, I studied Kung-Fu. And some other stuff. For the goat, it would be a few months after.
End flashback
Ted (2030): The idea is that I had never beaten.
Ted: I'm going.
Lily: No!
Marshall: Listen to me, trust me, I fought hard. There is no pride to be learned.
Ted: With which you fought?
Marshall: My brothers.
Barney: Yeah, it was surely the ruckus in the playroom of Eriksen.
Flashback
Marshall horseplay with his two brothers.
A brother: I love the squabbles between brothers!
Marshall: That's the monster of guilis!
Brother 2: Patrol Commies!
Marshall: Wait! Go! Go! Cocoa break.
End flashback
Ted: Break cocoa. OK, it's time to fight.
Lily: Ted, do not do that, you're a good guy. This is your greatest quality.
Ted: Oh yeah? I seem to remember that this guy was well dumped by his girlfriend for a Taekwondo teacher. It might sound crazy, but... I need that. I think it's an experience I do. I go there.
Ted part.
Barney: Me too! (Followed by Barney) Guys... watch what face. The next time you see it, it will be distorted as the sexiest possible. Because that's what I am: a real man. I like to fight and do battle in the dirt. You find me a wooden hanger for that?
Ted and Barney arrive in the driveway but Doug already has to KO the other guy.
Barney: It's been what?
Doug: I know, huh! Who do now eyeing more my hairpiece?Look what they did!
Ted: "We"?
Doug: Yes, "on". Come on, we made a great team. Well done guys! We did it!
Ted: No, you did. There was nothing we.
Doug: OK, yes, it is clear, I have beaten three types alone. You and you, free drinks for life.
Doug enters the bar.
Ted: He thinks he fought with him.
Barney: We fought with him. So we will go and tell everyone the legendary story of how we b*at types. And everyone will find it great and everyone goes back to bed with me.
Ted: Come on man, no one will believe we fought, we look at.
Barney: Oh, it's good...
Barney gives a blow to itself.
Ted: What are you doing?
Barney: What I should have done there is a lease.
Ted: What?
Barney: I dunno, I typed the eye! I even know what I say! I have a great right, either. You ready?
Ted: To go home?
Barney: No, for that.
Barney gives a blow to Ted.
Ted: You h*t me in the nose!
Barney: Are you crying?
Ted: Yes, I cry! You h*t me in the nose!
Barney: It's going to swell to death. You're going to look like Owen Wilson. Come on, we go.
Ted: Ok, but we do not add too. I do not want it to catch proportions.
Barney enters the bar, followed by Ted. Doug says the fight to include Ted and Barney.
Doug: Can Ted arrives, takes off her shoe h*t him in the mouth... A, they are! The guys who supported me!
Everyone applauds.
Always at the bar, but at their usual table...
Marshall: So you fought. Seriously.
Ted: No, Barney h*t us head to pretend. Without in December ', Marshall!
Robin: Just look at that eye. You look like a bad boy. I did not know you had it in me. You. That you had it in you.
Barney: You... want to touch?
It affects the eye of Barney.
Robin: My God, it's hot!
Doug: The pot of victory! Blackjack! Blackjack! Blackjack!Blackjack! $ 7 50.
Marshall: Why should I pay?
Doug: Because thou hast not supported. They supported me.
Marshall: You know what, Doug? I will gladly pay. And why?As adults do. They pay their glasses, and they fight it. You know what I did when you were kids? That's what I did.
Barney: Your nails?
Marshall: I was...
Ted: The quiz of love in the last Gala?
Marshall: No. I was...
Barney: your best to not cry when Big came to Carrie at the end of the film Sex and the City?
Marshall: You spoiles? No. I'll tell you what I did...
Robin: Tips to captain the football team because he gave you his ring and you were so cute in your evening gown?
Lily: I'm sorry.
Lily and Marshall are in their beds.
Marshall: I hate them! They behave like guys the most virile of the universe, as Crocodile Dundee and David Hasselhoff.
Lily: It's the guys the most virile of the universe?
Marshall: I know why they are given all the attention. In fact, it's me, the real hero.
Lily: Yeah, it's you.
Marshall: I'm serious, woman. Put it in your pants.
Lily: You're the man every boy should be and every girl should marry. You know what? I have two boys under way that will not stop fighting. If you come to school tomorrow to tell them your story of choice of the path of nonviolence, it could put them right. And avoid me getting up early to prepare lessons.
Marshall: Okay. OK. I recadrerai.
Lily's class...
Boy 1: wimp!
Marshall: What? No! The panda and the koala Mahatma Luther King tell you that story to show...
Boy 2: Show that you're a wimp?
Boy 1: Why hast not beaten? You were afraid?
Marshall: What? I was not afraid! I did a lot of fights, OK?
Boy 2: You're great! You have to weigh almost 500 pounds.
Marshall: First, I wear a sweater off, which has horizontal stripes. And I also... I ate salty... So I... You know what? Shut up!
Boy 2: wimp! Wimp!
The two boys fight while others cry.
Barney and Ted are in the bar and talk with two women.
Woman 1: So you've just beaten?
Barney: Just?
Ted: Amanda, was it that simple? You know, the fight in melee, it is more than using force against his opponent, huh B?
Barney: Exactly!
Ted: It is an art. The noble art, as it were.
Woman 2: But I do not understand, what they did to deserve this?
Barney: It may seem insignificant, but they got to our table.
Ted: At our table.
Barney: And...
Ted: No one.
Barney:... no one sits at our table.
2 men are sitting at the table.
Amanda: You will b*at them up?
Robin arrives at that time.
Barney: Let's b*at them up. Ted, come on. You two. Our table.Go. Now!
Ted: What are you doing?
Barney: Relax, it was Doug. Doug supports us.
Ted: He's not here tonight.
Barney: I offer you what? A drink? Money? These two girls over there?
Man 1: It's you, Ted Mosby.
Ted: Yes.
Male 2: And you're Barney Stinson?
Barney: They know who you are. All right, guys. It lets you go without kick your ass. This time. Okay?
Both men are given two envelopes.
Ted: That's... What is it?
Man 2: You are summoned.
Man 1: You are charged with as*ault. Enjoy it.
The two men leave the bar.
Barney: That was close.
Barney, Ted and Marshall are at the apartment and watch the invitations.
Ted: as*ault! They continue to att*ck us!
Barney: What is the penalty for as*ault? I'll have a fine?Picking up garbage on the highway? Because I already did that.
Marshall: I know.
Ted (2030): In fact, he knew they risked a small community service, surely no criminal charges. But he was furious against us.
Marshall: You could have a good time in prison.
Barney: The Prison?
Ted: I can not go to jail! I could read a bunch of books, writing short stories. Drag me all the time. Seriously, if I get lost really hefty...
Barney: You can not go to jail! They are dying in the hallways!And meals are really heavy.
Marshall: You should have thought before beating them.
Ted: And if we have not done?
Marshall: No what?
Ted: beaten. And if Doug had beaten them all alone and we had done nothing?
Marshall: I knew it! You have not even given a single sh*t.
Barney: I h*t Ted and me, so...
Marshall: Who's the wimp now? Answer: you.
Ted: You can spin us a hand?
Marshall: You know the old saying: "If you can not assume, do not pretend to have done, do not laugh and refuses glasses blackjack and not defend your friend, who, coincidentally, lived full of fights with his brothers. "
Barney: You gotta help us, Marshall. We're the Three Musketeers! If I let Ted I how long?
Robin entered the apartment.
Robin: Barney? I was looking for you. I have tickets for the hockey game tonight. It's stupid. Want to go? It can run late, we could go see a drink after.
Marshall: Listen to this. You know, this fight? The guys were pretending.
And he left the apartment.
Robin: Oh, I forgot! Tonight, it is not possible. I can not go to hockey tonight, I have this... This... This...
She goes into the room.
Back at the bar...
Marshall: Good news, I talked to the guys.
Ted: What guy?
Marshall: The ones you do not beaten. They will not go to trial.Lawyer.
Barney: What? They dropped?
Marshall: Yes, I just told them you were wimps. It has made us laugh. Poilade good, actually. I said that you did manicure every month.
Barney: Weeks, Wolverine... Some are careful.
Marshall: And you played the harp in the dance club of the pre-reform in college.
Ted: You're at least they said we were one of the best medieval music group of the academy?
Marshall: Sure. We were all agreed that it was a guy who had beaten and that you had nothing to do with it...
Ted: Wait, so... they att*ck Doug.
Marshall: Affirmative.
Ted: The angry, irrational, violent Doug, who now knows, you pushed under a bus.
Doug (on phone): They what?
Marshall, Barney, Lily and Robin are in the driveway with Doug.
Barney: We can tell you...
Doug: Explain what? How you have me s*ab in the back just under my eyes?
Lily: Robin, I'm afraid.
Robin: Yeah, Doug sees someone?
Lily: You visit? You really should.
Ted: Look, you do not understand, you b*at these guys all by yourself.
Marshall: It's true. They have nothing to do with it. Look at them.
Barney: It's Ted's fault!
Barney runs off.
Marshall: Look at him.
Ted: Yes, look at me!
Marshall: It would not 5 minutes in combat.
Ted: I could hold at least 5...
Marshall: It is as limp as spaghetti.
Ted: Yes, spaghetti with meatballs... Mate it. Look!
Marshall: No.
Doug: OK, maybe it was... than me. In fact, it makes sense. I have many black holes. In short, I have always supported. I expected much from you. And you did what? Nothing. We can not count on you. No wonder your girlfriend has dumped you.
Ted (2030): And here, children, the only fight I've ever had.What can I say? For starters, a punch to the face, it hurts...very badly. And what hurts more? Ca (Doug gives him a punch too) All I remember is waking up.
Barney comes running.
Barney: OK, I'm hot. Let's go.
Ted: A fight was not a good idea, actually. And that's my story.
Ted tells his story to the class of Lily.
Lily: And what did you learn?
Ted: I learned that it is not right to fight and must never do.
Lily: Questions?
Boy 1: Where you find them?
Boy 2: I know! Was a big sale at the market for wimps?
Children: wimp! Wimp!
And both boys are still fighting.
Ted (2030): I have not told them what had really happened.
Flashback
Barney comes running.
Barney: OK, I'm hot. Let's go. What has happened?
Marshall: Ca
Ted: Damn!
Marshall: Apparently, Uncle Marshall and his brothers did more than fight.
Robin: Marshall looks like. He lost weight?
Lily: S *****, do not even think about.
End flashback
Ted and his friends at the bar.
Ted (2030): Children, I would tell you that fighting is malet need to do it, but it's useless. So I tell you this: do you ever fight with Uncle Marshall. It's a big tared.
Thanksgiving day, 3 to 4 years later... Marshall is with his family at the table.
Marshall: It's so good to be home. Mom, Lily, good job. "Good meat, good food, good Lord, to the food. "No? OK, let's go. Put your glasses. (Everyone dons glasses and takes out a sword Marshall Green) Okay, pass me the plate. Lily, white or red meat?
Lily: Red! Honey, be careful.
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x10 - The Fight"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted, Marshall and Lily are in McClaren's when Robin joins them.
Robin: Hi!
Marshall: Hi.
Ted: It is freezing outside. Where is your jacket?
Robin: I'm Canadian. No need to coat. This kind of weather does not scare me.
Marshall: It looks like a spring day in Minnesota, there was no q'il all the taxis, the skyscrapers and the blacks.
Ted: There are no black people?
Marshall: Not if Prince is on tour.
GENERIC
Ted: my sister's plane arrived an hour ago, or would like a meteorologist, hurricane between Heather on Lands.
Lily: Go. It's not like that.
Ted: That's the history of Heather. It has been six years and three high schools for his baccalaureate. She took the opportunity to ruin two cars, being married for five days, and spent nine weeks in a tree only to find that no one intended to k*ll him. And there, Heather said she moved to New York.
Lily: Great news.
Ted: It will not come out. Remember when she talked of going to college here? And then the day of admission...
Flashback
Ted is in the apartment, the phone.
Ted: Where are my TV and my couch?
Woman: I have sold tickets for the concert of Nine Inch Nails.
Ted: Nothing but the TV is 2000 balls.
Woman: A last minute flight is expensive.
Ted: Wait. Where are you?
Woman: Somewhere in Spain. I go there. Quiet song.
End flashback
Ted: Damn. This is Barney.
Robin: And?
Lily: Since that time Heather happening in New York, Ted has never left the Barney show.
Ted: I never will. Every year, when the greeting card of Mosby happens...
Flashback
Christmas 2005...
Barney (singing): Drop your trousers. Mine hard. Under the bunch of mistletoe, I'll make your sister moan. Oh! Dear Heather, Heather dear, we'll do it in all directions...
Christmas 2006...
Barney: If I could see her naked. If I could see her naked. If I could see her naked. And fours.
Christmas 2007...
Barney: Ted has a little sister who is so playful every day. And if I meet with her breasts, I will play! Little sister, Little Sister!What? I can also celebrate Hanukkah.
End flashback
Ted: It's still him. I should answer. Hello, Barney.
Barney: Hi. What are you doing tonight?
Ted: We go to Marshall and Lily get a full Kathy Bates, Misery exception. Want to go? He hung up.
Ted's sister arrives and takes him in her arms.
Heather: It's nice to see you.
Ted: Hi kid. It looks to go. How are things at home?
Heather: I took your room. Did you know you see the room of Miss Gottwald opposite?
Ted: I know. She looks good?
Heather: Ted, it was 62 years.
Ted: Answer.
Heather: Incredibly gay. (They return to the apartment) Dude, quail out there.
Barney: Why, hello. I was expecting you.
Ted: One second. It is not our chair. You've made yourself?
Barney: I needed one that rotates.
Barney gets up and makes a hand-kissing Heather.
Ted: How did you know that Heather was coming?
Lily: Do not tell me anything! You know I can not keep secrets if it's almost Christmas! Robin offers you an iPod!
Barney: Can I talk to one second in the kitchen? Not touch the chair. I praise him. I can not believe that thou hast hid thy sister all these years.
Ted: Really? You're like "Weird Al" Yankovic to write that song on how to jump my sister.
Barney: First, I'm flattered. Then it's just jokes. A friend can joke on a friend's sister. Does not mean I'm going to act.
Ted: I love my sister, and as a big brother, it's my job to protect guys like you.
Barney: You do not trust me?
Ted: No. And it either.
Barney: Okay. All right. I'll just... take my chair and leave.
Ted: Wait... Rest... Back... Lily and I were dining out with Heather Sunday. Want to go?
Barney: I have already called to add a person.
Ted: You really can not tell Lily.
Barney: No, nothing really...
Ted (2030): That year, Canada was really lacking in Aunt Robin, Marshall then brought him to where he was when he was nostalgic Minnesota: The bar of the Perche.
Marshall and Robin arrive at the bar...
Marshall: Hi everyone.
All: Marshall!
Marshall: This is Robin.
All: Robin!
Marshall: Turn drink.
All: Drink!
Man: How are you, Marshall?
Marshall: And you? Hey, man! You got anything in the leg?
Man: I played hockey today. I hurt my knee.
Robin: You went to the hospital?
Man: I poured beer on it. I miss the game of the Vikings.Minnesota!
Robin: I love the guys here. This is real guys. Without shampoo or manicure. The guys from New York are 10% chick.
Marshall: Go. You're wrong.
Lily, Barney and Ted are the sister restaurant.
Barney: I'll take the vichyssoise with a hint of cream. Dairy ballonnent me.
Heather: So... I found an apartment today.
Ted: Really?
Heather: Yes. And I hoped you would have drunk a little more wine hand side before you to ask you this, but... I need you to lease the instructions.
Ted: Let me think.
Barney: It, it means he will not.
Heather: I really need your help.
Ted: We'll talk later, OK?
Barney: You do not have any illusions.
Heather: What's the matter? You do not trust me?
Ted: You're my sister.
Barney: There he just says the obvious.
Heather: Listen, Ted, I want to get into finance, but... you see me like I was four and I wanted to become an astronaut.
Ted: I just think you have no idea of the difficulty of succeeding in New York.
Barney: Exactly. Do you need relationships. If only Ted knew someone who works at, say... Goliath National Bank, then...expect. What? I work for Goliath National Bank. Incredible!
Back at the bar of Marshall...
Man: Okay. It's been two beers and Bemidji... who ordered the mini burgers?
Robin: My God! This is Fisherman's Quest? I played all the time FQ at the time!
Marshall: Oh, yeah? I have the best score. Without boasting, I caught... a pike of almost 1 m. The biggest fish virtual nobody has ever taken. Finally... freshwater.
Robin: I'll take my hat fisherman. Thank you for bringing me here. This is mine.
At the restaurant, Ted is still sitting when Lily puts her coat and Heather Barney helps to do the same.
Ted: It's not a good idea. Heather and Barney alone in his office? And I do not want to be guarantor for the lease.
Lily: It ripens, just as you see it yet.
Ted: It is about a girl who got caught for stealing, eight months ago.
Lily: Ted, many women have a period kleptomaniac. And yes, maybe sometimes they happen to mow a small object because it excites them in a strange way they are not explained. But... If it reassures you, I will accompany them to GNB, tomorrow. I will say that I'm going to lunch with Marshall, but in fact I espionnerai.
Ted: It suits me. Good luck tomorrow at the GNB. I'm sure you will impress them.
Lily: And I espionnerai. And shit!
Lily and Marshall are still at the bar.
Robin: "I drink to forget the 1999 NFC Championship"?
Marshall: The match. The Vikings were 2 minutes to go to the Super Bowl, when our striker, who had not missed a year's messed up a penalty and we lost in overtime. Damn!
Male: 1999 NFC Championship Game?
Marshall: Yes.
Man: Damn!
Marshall: My father, I had never seen him cry in my life, wiped away a tear. He said... "A small part of me just died, son. "
Robin: I love the passion you have for your Vikings. It's like looking for hockey in Canada... What?
Marshall: Do not let... anyone here know that you're not from Minnesota.
Robin: Why? They will do anything q'ils learn that I am...
Man 1: It looks like a bar in Dallas, man?
Male 2: It's weird, but is a reassuring side to be worn like that.
Man 3: Dude, did you see this guy! So, Robin, are you coming from?
Robin: Bemidji. Bemidji, Minnesota. Go Vikes!
Ted is in the street with her sister Lily.
Ted (2030): Children, for the rest, I'll skip a few days.
Heather: Very nice, this briefcase.
Ted: Very friendly, the security camera, too. And there is one another. And a security guard.
Heather: I intend to pay it, Ted.
Ted: Yes. You got the job yet. Must push the door, not pull.And that's it. Thank you for having watched yesterday. Maybe I was wrong. She seems to have been able to manage with Barney. It will perhaps manage New York.
Lily: Not enough!
Ted: Why?
Lily: I have a secret. No! It has not happened. It happened something.
Ted: It's been what?
Lily: Nothing. After the interview Heather, I went to see Marshall one time, when I came back...
Flashback
Lily enters the office of Barney when he gets dressed and Heather.
Lily: My God!
Barney: Before you say or do something, give me a favor.
Lily: What?
Barney: Move away. It's a Prada.
Barney picks up his shirt.
End flashback
Lily: I'm really sorry.
Ted: I knew it. I've always known. It remained the same trail irresponsible. And when I see Barney...
Lily: You will say nothing. Ted, Heather begged me not to tell you. She hate me if she knows that I sneaked.
Heather: I love this kit, but I can not afford. You were right, Ted.
Ted: And how!
Lily: You see? She has not bought the briefcase! It is responsible! And no chance that she slept with someone here.She turns the page.
Marshall returns to the bar...
Marshall: Hi everyone!
Robin: So my father and I were in the NFC championship game by 99.
Marshall: I said, good evening everyone!
Robin: And when we missed the penalty and lost...
All: Holy shit!
Robin: Holy shit! f*cking. My father that I had never seen him cry in my life, wiped away a tear and said, "A small part of me just died, son. "
Man: "Son"?
Robin: That's what I tell my son. If I am fortunate to have a son, I will call Rashad Tarkenton.
Man: Nice story.
Marshall: Beautiful story! But it seems a bit familiar.
Robin: I know! They all bought into.
Marshall: I see what you do.
Robin: What?
Marshall: I've brought here because... I was sorry for you. And there, it looks like you're trying to steal my bar.
Robin: You think I'm trying to steal your bar? Host.
Man: "Host"? Are you Canadian?
Robin: No, I...
Man: If you want to imitate a Canadian, just turn off the light and act as if you were afraid!
Robin: What was that?
Marshall: With the nearby Canada, Minnesota, we like to make jokes on your back and they are often on the same theme.
Robin: As fear of the dark?
Marshall: Yes. For example, everyone, how many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb? "What? No, the bulb is d*ad? I'm afraid! "
Robin: This is stupid. Why do you think Canadians are afraid of the dark?
Marshall: Where do prejudices? A stereotype appears, and suddenly, it spreads like f*re. Asians misbehave, the Scots are stingy, the Brazilians are too many stamps. I doubt it works.You can not hang out with people who belittle your beloved country. I take you back.
Robin: No, wait. I have something to say. Everyone. Let me tell you something about Canadians.
Marshall: Please, no scene.
Robin: Why Canadians are not of birthday wishes? Because they are too afraid to put out the candles. My God, I love this place!
Ted and his sister are in McClaren's with Lily and Barney.
Barney: I think your prospects are good for GNB. U you have shown me that you can take any position.
Lily: This is the new coasters?
Barney: I hope you get the job. Nothing makes me happier than to fill an opening.
Lily: I swear, these coasters are thicker.
Heather: I'm ready to bend over backwards.
Ted: OK, enough! I can not believe you hast slept with my sister!
Barney: You've sneaked?
Lily: You know what? It's a new batch of old coasters. I will confirm with the bartender.
Ted (holding Lily): And you, you're mature and responsible?It's responsible adult to go to your first interview in New York and banging a stranger? You've always been immature and irresponsible. You'll always be immature and irresponsible.And I cosignerai not a subscription with you, let alone a lease.
Heather: Barney and I, we did nothing.
Ted: Come on. Lily saw you.
Barney: Oh yeah?
Flashback
Heather and Barney's Barney's office and get naked.
Barney: You see, Ted, you have so little faith in me and Heather...
Heather:... That we decided to show you what you expect from us.
Barney: And as we can count on Lily to sneak.
Lily enters the office.
Lily: My God!
End flashback
Ted: What? Why do this?
Heather: Because you deserve it.
Barney: Ted, you know, I'm not a saint. And yes, it is true that the times I drove your mother at the airport, say that there has been a... sexually confused and confusing time in the parking lot, but I said I draguerai not your sister, and I thought. You should have me believe.
Heather: You're so convinced that I am still a teenager out of control, you forgot that I grew up. I'll find a hotel. I will take my business later. Merry Christmas.
Barney: Your mother and I, we kissed.
Robin plays at Fisherman's Quest.
Man 1: Continuous. You got five seconds to catch sturgeon still 2.
Man 2: We will perhaps see the screen of the gills.
Marshall: You can catch two fish with a hook.
Robin: No, but I can catch a fish and use this one to catch the other.
Man 1: High Scores! You got b*at Marshall!
Marshall: It is Canadian! Robin is Canadian! She is Canadian.It comes not from Bemidji and she knows bugger all about the Vikings.
Man 1: You're angry because she b*at you.
Marshall: During the 1999 NFC Championship, when the Vikings lost...
All: Holy shit!
Marshall:... who was the scorer who missed the penalty?
Robin: Rashad Tarkenton.
Marshall: Gary Anderson. He is retired. It was a case of fly fishing... in Canada.
Man 1: Goodbye.
Robin: You know what? I'm glad you know it because I am proud to be Canadian. It was not a good NFL team or Prince, but we invented Trivial Pursuit. Anything, the Earth! In addition, in Canada, you can go to a strip club full of alcohol and order. And yeah. Moosejaw in the Bay of Fundy, you can whistle your pint of Pilsner while watching a minor girl to get naked. Jealous? In Canada, people do not care where you come from, as you are whisked away nice and possibly a cigarette, or when a donut. I am proud to come from the "Great White North"... and I want to be right now. And was not afraid of the dark. Finally, we do not really like, but like everyone else.
Robin leaves the bar.
At the apartment, Heather opens her bag and pulls out a briefcase.
Ted: Merry Christmas. Look into it. If you push around the...Not down the middle.
Heather: I do not need you.
Ted: Got it.
Heather: You've signed the lease.
Ted: You know why?
Heather: Because you trust me and that's a good idea?
Ted: I want to know you. The new you.
Heather: Thank you.
Ted: By the way, in your new neighborhood, you should put a good lock on your door. If you want... live.
Robin is out to eat ice cream. Marshall joins.
Marshall: Sorry about what happened inside. I was stupid. I should say anything.
Robin: I'm sorry. That was your cue. I should not have my own.But every year during the holidays, I am homesick. And so far, every year, I had a reason to stay: a boyfriend, a job or something. But... This year, for the first time, I have nothing.
Marshall: But if.
Robin: What?
Marshall: We love you all. If you ever leave again in Canada, we jump on a plane, you are pursuing, and after that Barney has dragged some of the club with which you have spoken, we will bring you here where you are supposed to be. This is not New York without Robin Scherbatsky.
Robin: Thank you.
Marshall: Yeah.
Robin: I miss sometimes. I wish I could close my eyes and find myself one hour in Canada.
Marshall: I was hoping that you say that.
Marshall takes Robin to another bar.
Robin: How did you find this place?
Marshall: Just like home, eh?
Robin: There's only one way to know.
Robin shakes a man intentionally.
Man: Sorry. I had not seen. Are you okay?
Robin: It's OK.
Man: OK, I apologize. Take a donut, it's a gift.
Robin: thank you.
Marshall: OK. You come home in him, he apologized and you file a donut free?
Robin: It's like home.
The light goes out.
Marshall: Sorry! All is well! Sorry.
Robin: No one likes the dark.
Man (speaking): The following comes from Ontario: Marshall Eriksen.
Robin: You were a member? You sing what?
Marshall: I think you will recognize. I will throw your body anyway. I will throw your body into Canada Day! Dude, you can split the screen. We know the words.
All: Everyone comes to play. Take all your worries. (Robin puts on a mask) Let's go to the mall. Today!
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x11 - Little Minnesota"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Children in the winter of 2009, Robin and I became roommates. And to be honest it was not really the top.
Robin eats on the couch when Ted leaves his room.
Ted: It looks good. I'll do.
Robin: There's no more milk.
Ted: I saw in the fridge.
Robin: empty.
Ted: So, throw it.
Robin: The trash can is full.
Ted: So, take out the trash.
Robin: I eat cereal.
Ted: You know, when I asked you to be my roommate, I said, "A girl, she will be careful." But no, you're an ogre Revenge of the Nerds.
Robin: You know what? Instead of coming with references typical last minute like that, you should spend some time, I dunno... washing a dish.
Ted: Damn, I can not. I'm busy leave a plate of cookies for the elf magic puts toilet paper. Wait, there's no elf. It's always me!
Robin: I always changing. You, never!
Ted: This is ridiculous!
Robin: No, I went there yesterday... Stop it! Stop it! My God, what happens? When we were a couple, we lived together and we almost went insane.
Ted: I know. It's been what?
Robin: You know what this is? We made love. Men and women need sex to live together. It resolves all disputes.
Ted: As Barney's theory on world peace?
Flashback
Ted and Barney are at McClaren's.
Barney: I explained. I said, Madeline, every international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension.
Ted: All international conflicts?
Barney: All, man.
Ted: So, the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...
Barney: Gaza Strippers. Next.
Ted: Apartheid?
Barney: "Apartouze". You have what?
Ted: The Cold w*r?
Barney: "Mrs. Gorbachev, removed her underwear."
End flashback
Ted: Well, I think we should love again.
Robin: Yes, of course.
Ted and Robin are in bed.
Robin: I know. It's like riding a bike, man?
Ted: Biking upside down. Well, listen. If it should happen on occasion, they say nothing to anyone. Sold.
Robin: Sold.
Marshall: Sold.
GENERIC
Marshall: You do not care what, guys? You are back together?
Ted: No. It was just love to do more fighting.
Marshall: It's a great idea. No, really. Hat guys. I saw in the future and everything works perfectly for everyone.
Robin: Why are you here anyway?
Marshall: I was working and I had to take a leap here...reading this magazine. In... the room there.
Ted: I understand. No problem.
Robin: If this is a problem. You've done all the way here to read a magazine? I am willing to bet that there is a place to read this magazine at work. You know, a room with a little man on the door?
Marshall: Well, Robin. Nobody likes reading a magazine at work. You leave your office holding a magazine...
Flashback
Marshall is at work with a magazine in hand.
Marshall:... and the magazine says one thing and no one.
Magazine: Hey everybody, look at what Marshall will do!Marshall will read an old magazine in the bathroom that you all share with him.
End flashback
Robin: Have you thought about maybe not reading a magazine when you read a magazine?
Marshall: You have to read a magazine. That's why there has magazines.
Ted: So, this is wasted time.
Marshall: Exactly. And the worst part is, this piece of my hallway door to the toilet. It's exposure to criticism.
Flashback
Marshall: It was my head.
Leader: We know exactly what you will do.
Marshall: The boss.
Bilson: Eriksen, why you do not move your office there?
Man: Donald "I think he has a Woman." My darling, if flagrant.
End flashback
Marshall: Anyway, I'd rather do it here.
Robin: No, I'm sorry. This is our house now. Marshall, you should also read a magazine. Give me your key.
Marshall: No, certainly not. Reminds me of a bargain between three parties where no one would discuss a certain event happened. An event... persuasion. This key, madam, this is my silence. Good day to you both.
He left the apartment.
Barney, Robin, Ted, Marshall and Lily are in McClaren's.
Lily: You slept together?
Marshall: Thank you, Lily.
Marshall gives the key to Robin.
Barney: You... have slept together. What are épouv...stouflant. Epouvstouflant. Well done, Ted. Bravo.
Robin: It seems more important than it is.
Ted: We talked and we realized we had some difficult months.It deserves a little fun.
Lily: No. It could ruin your friendship. When two former try the "right opportunity", someone always ends in pain.
Ted (2030): In fact, Lily was right. We talk about it later.
Robin: We will not get there, OK? Nobody will get hurt. It has established rules.
Flashback
Ted: Rule number one: purely physical relationship. There are no feelings.
Robin: This is like telling Fonzie be cool.
Ted: And since it's just physical, it was not to worry love.
Robin: You can do it watching TV!
Ted: Absolutely! Let's multitasking. Use sex to spice up the boring activities.
Robin: As folding laundry.
Ted: Paying the bills.
Robin Cook.
Ted: It's not very hygienic.
Robin: Yes, not that one.
End flashback
Robin: And now they sleep together, we argue more.
Ted: Problem solved. In fact, the credit goes to Barney. This idea just your thing on the world peace.
Robin: Yes. Thank you, Barney. You were right. Peace was established. More than once.
Barney: So, I am responsible for... Excellent. Excellent.Excellent. The next tour is for me!
It moves away from the table and Lily follows him.
Lily: Are you okay?
Barney: Yes. Why you ask?
Lily: For one thing, you cry openly.
Barney: From joy. I am so happy for them.
Lily: Barney, admit it. You always have feelings for Robin and it tortures you.
Barney: I'm going quite well. Excuse me just a minute. (He goes out into the alley behind the bar, takes a television in a trash can and throws it down. Then back to talk to Lily) I'm going quite well.
Lily: You must learn to express your feelings. Perhaps you should see a psychiatrist.
Barney: Wait. If I pay a woman $ 200 an hour to feel better, it will not discuss. And there will be both on the couch. The woman in my scenario, she is a prost*tute. Dirty, vulgar, all redone, from Eastern Europe...
Lily: I entered.
Ted: There's something liberating not to take it seriously.
Robin: Last night we did when I answered the phone.
Marshall: I knew you had not of paddler!
Barney: Wonderful, we still speak of that!
Robin: Look, it's a private thing between me and Ted.
Ted and Robin Trick private.
Robin: It is not even discuss it if Marshall could read a magazine at work.
Lily: It was always like that. You remember, in law?
Marshall: Sure.
Flashback
Lily is sitting on the couch, crying, when Marshall enters the apartment.
Marshall: Baby? What has he?
Lily: The bank statement arrived today. You have booked a hotel two blocks from your school, a Tuesday.
Marshall: That's not what you think.
Lily: It's that, Marshall? What's her name?
Marshall: Burrito. Carnitas Burrito.
End flashback
Robin: Have you booked a hotel room just to read a magazine?
Marshall: You do not want me to see if the waitress at a huge scale for this haughty tone with you? Nobody likes reading a magazine at work and they say they are not human.
Barney: Dude, I read a magazine at work every day. I will not say how many meetings where I was late because I 'was reading a magazine. " But I'm not ashamed of that. This is my moment. Sure, "magazine is read" is not sexy, but you know, this is something I have to do. Why be ashamed? Wait, "read a magazine" that's wank, right?
Ted and Robin are back at the apartment.
Ted: I think so. You still have drank all my milk!
Robin: We can make love.
Ted: OK.
Ted is the bar with Barney.
Ted: This is the ideal plan. Each time you start to yell, he lieth in place. One minute you're on the back of each other, and the one after that, well, the same thing.
Barney: Super.
Barney is in the driveway and threw a television.
Ted: This morning, she cried through the door, "You're too long in the shower! ". A second later, she joined me. There, it has not bothered me to take my time.
Barney: If great.
Again, he threw a television.
Ted: Sorry for the delay. I was typing a Scherbatsky. She used all my stamps, so in short, the postman rang twice. Should you stamp it!
Barney: It's... just... if... Excuse me one second.
He gets up and goes out into the aisle. It goes to get something in the trash but there is more.
Barney is in an appliance store.
Barney: So, plasmas are better in low light, but the LCD is best to play?
Seller: Okay, but CRTs have the deepest blacks.
Barney: So if I want a very good contrast ratio...
Seller: The deep structure of the CRT pixel resolution produces unrivaled in LCD.
Barney: I take the CRT.
He is now behind the bar and throw again on TV. He enters the bar with a smile when Lily is waiting.
Lily: Barney, it's crazy.
Barney: I'm fine, thank you.
Lily: No, it's wrong. You must learn to get it out. As we did in my kindergarten class. "The time for emotions", every Tuesday morning.
Barney: Look, maybe your kids resent their friends sleep together, but not me. I have never been better.
Marshall is at his job.
Ted (2030): Meanwhile, Marshall always drooled at work.
Magazine: Listen all, big breakfast this morning. You know what that means.
Ted (2030): Then came the best news he had heard long ago.
Woman: Are you aware? They fired everyone in the eighth.
Man: I know. This is a ghost town there.
Marshall arrived at work one floor. He goes to the bathroom.
Ted leaves his room while Robin is reading a magazine.
Ted: Hello.
Robin: Hello.
Ted: It was fun last night.
Robin: Sure, it was a good one. Personal memo: leave it lying around the pizza box more often.
Ted: Okay, see you later.
They kiss.
Ted is in McClaren's with Marshall and Barney.
Ted: Last night, Robin left a pizza box lying on the floor, so we had sex three times.
Marshall: OK.
Ted: And this morning before leaving for work... we kissed.
Marshall: Bizarre. It's weird.
Ted: What? This kiss has violated the spirit of our arrangement. She probably thinks that I have feelings for her.
Marshall: Do you have any?
Barney: Yes, I love it. That's what... It's you, man.
Ted: No. It meant nothing. It was just a reflex when we were a couple. But I did everything go wrong.
Barney: Clearly. This is the end.
Marshall: Wait. Maybe she has not found it weird.
Lily and Robin are in the apartment.
Robin: It was weird. Bizarre, weird, weird. B-I-R-A-Z-R-E.Bizarre.
Lily: That's not how it is written.
Robin: Come on, Lily. Do not your Ted.
Lily: I warned you. When ex relapse, ultimately, it hurts someone. But nobody is listening. This is the story of my life.My nice face that prevents people listen to my message.
Robin: What do I do?
At the bar...
Barney: A single solution. You must stop sleeping together, please.
At the apartment...
Robin: I think we should stop sleeping. Ted and I, it's like cigarettes. You take one into thinking it is good. And very quickly, you buy one carton per week. I must stop it.
At the bar...
Ted: I have to stop it.
Ted and Robin are at the apartment and talk.
Robin: So, you stop that, huh?
Ted: I think so.
Robin: This is for the best. It was fun, but I do not want it becoming weird.
Ted: I do not either.
Robin: Colocs?
Ted: Colocs.
Ted opens the fridge and took the empty bottle of milk. Ted and Robin are in bed.
Ted: But they say nothing to anyone. Okay?
Robin: Sold.
Marshall: Sold.
Robin: Dude!
Ted: Seriously!
At the bar...
Lily: What is your problem?
Barney (the appliance store): This one.
He throws it down.
Ted: It did not last long.
Robin: Actually, what you did not care for us? I thought you had the perfect plan.
Marshall: That was the case.
Flashback
Marshall eats with others of his job.
Marshall: Everything was going well. I felt more and more comfortable, more confident. I could conquer the world. One morning I'm in the eighth with a magazine.
He enters the bathroom and two workers arrived.
Man 1: We will demolish everything. I want that you will destroy these walls, here... and there.
Male 2: It works.
The first man goes and takes a second mass.
Marshall: The celebrities extend their clothes? I also extend my machine. (The man breaks the wall of the toilet where Marshall is located) Do not enter!
End flashback
Marshall: It did not last long.
Barney takes out the trash, when Ted returns.
Barney: Thank you.
Ted: What are you doing?
Barney: Because of your bickering roommates are always a source of conflict between you two, I wanted to help. In fact, I went to the post. I took you stamps. In about 10 000. That should be enough.
Ted: Thanks, I guess. You want a beer?
Ted opens the fridge full.
Barney: I took it in passing. It's nothing.
Ted: You have bought us a dishwasher?
Barney: It has always been there. You've been here how long?
Ted: So you take it all and you can avoid to argue, eh?
Barney: Exactly. I worry about you.
Ted: It bothers you that we sleep together, right?
Barney: Not at all. It's crazy. What?
Ted: You're in love with Robin? You're in love with Robin.That's why you not want people sleeping together.
Barney: What? You say anything. A friend can not clean the apartment of another friend like friends do?
Ted: Cite me a buddy in the story of friends who has already done that.
Barney: I give you two: Clean and gentlemen Solcarlus.
Ted: That thing between me and Robin is completely innocent.I flipperai if you tell me not feel something for her. This is the case?
Barney: No. This is not true, no. This is not true, no. No. Robin is all yours, man. Exploding yourself with it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go sleep with other girls.
Ted: Are you sure?
Barney: Yes!
Ted: Positive?
Barney: Absolutely. (Barney out of the apartment)
Barney is in the class of Lily.
Barney: And I went with a bang. Why did I do that? It comes perhaps my father issues, but... basically, I allowed my best friend to sleep with the girl of my dreams. I completely sabotaged. And now, I smoke. I smoke.
Lily: Get out of here.
Barney: But it's time and emotions I Emotive, bears sharing.Whoever Emotive, Bear's shares, can sit on the chair of the division.
Lily: Barney, you're not at your therapist. These children also have their problems, you know. Ben's parents divorced.
Ben: Really?
Lily: Who wants to do the coloring?
Barney is now in his office. Between Marshall.
Barney: Great, it's Lily who sent you? I have not the bear, OK?I will make it! Why are you smiling?
Marshall: I just... reading a magazine. Here at work.
Barney: What?
Marshall: It's the funniest thing. I was on the net, looking at hotels when I realized something.
Flashback
Marshall is on his computer.
Marshall: This is stupid.
End flashback
Marshall: I decided it was time to face my complex and do what I had to do and once that decision, everything changed.
Flashback
Marshall walks in the hallway with a magazine and coffee in hand.
Woman: That's a young man at ease in his sneakers.
Man: I know what you are about to do and I respect you for that.
Bilson: Well the road.
Magazine: You have taken a big step today. Remember Shakespeare: "Virtue is fearless and goodness, without fear."
Marshall: You're right, Super Babe Are My Woman Stop telling me Why You Are Not Famous But I stop To forget. Let's do it.
Magazine: Watch the road.
End flashback
Barney: Congratulations.
Marshall: Thank you. I would have done well at some point.Sometimes you have to... You have to say and... go there.
Barney: Marshall, I gotta go. In fact, there are toilets here, if you want to use.
Barney out of his office.
Marshall:... Species
Barney arrives at Ted's apartment.
Barney: Ted, I must tell you the truth. I love... (Robin out the trash) tacos. What are you doing?
Robin: I go step-louse. If you are looking for Ted, he was released. And... our little arrangement is... completed, by the way.
Barney: Really? That's Wife... vantable.
Robin: Epousvantable?
Barney: Yes, it is épousvantable. What has happened?
Robin: He insisted. He said "no longer able to do" if "it hurt someone." I think we all know who he is talking about.
Barney: Oh?
Robin: It's not obvious?
Barney: It is?
Robin: Yes. This is Ted. You know how it romantic. He can not separate the physical emotion. It is kind of...
Barney: I love you.
Robin: Right. It's not like you, you know? In addition, we are friends. I want to complicate matters by committing. Hanging out with friends never works. So... you want to go eat a taco?
Barney: A Taco?
Robin: You love them, right?
Barney: Just.
Robin: Come on, I'm hungry.
In McClaren's...
Ted (2030): So Robin and I have again become roommates and everything is back to normal. Your Aunt Lily was right.When two former try the "right opportunity", someone is always hurt. It was just not one of us.
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x12 - Benefits"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
March 1998, Lily Marshall waits at the airport.
Ted (2030): Children, during the second year of college, when Lily is back from vacation, Marshall surprised her at the airport.And she caught him with a pack of Root Beer.
Lily: Fort Lau-ger-Dale! Get it?
Ted (2030): And suddenly, a ritual was born. The next 11 years, if one of them was on a plane...
June 2002, Lily Marshall waits at the airport.
Marshall: Minne-Cider! Get it?
Ted (2030):... the reunion was still commemorated with a sign and a pack where they came from.
February 2008...
Lily: Aspen Yards Ale! Get it?
Marshall: Actually, no!
Lily: I do not either. I was hoping that you find.
Ted (2030): But, one night in January 2009, the unthinkable happened.
January 2009, Ted and Marshall are in McClaren's.
Marshall: I will not get it.
Ted: What?
Marshall: Lily not want me to take a taxi to the airport just to get a taxi in the opposite direction.
Ted: But the thing of the pack?
Marshall: It was fun when we were younger, but we exceeded it. When mature, the relationship matures with us.
Ted: But... you are an inspiration to us all, you are so dedicated and linked. I look at you, and that's all I want in the world.
Barney: There are two students out, and they look easy!
Ted and Barney runs out of the bar.
Ted: Arizona... You know... I always wanted to see what looks like a license in Arizona.
Barney: I already did that. 21 years.
Ted: It's good. God thank you. What brings you here?
Woman 1: Our group did a concert.
Ted: You have a group? We will perhaps see you.
Barney: Excuse me one second. (Barney leads Ted to the bar entrance) What is your problem? We will not see them play.
Ted: Why?
Barney: If you go see them, it is not better than blondes showing their tits at a concert by Van Halen.
Ted: Yes, but these girls they sleep with Van Halen after?
Barney: If you want to sleep with Van Halen, do it on your spare time. We're not guys who-could-come-you-see. It is the other guys, those older, who ever came and whose recognition is required.
Ted: We are their fathers?
Barney: Exactly. (They go see the girls) This is a great meeting, I think that we can come. Another time, girls.
Ted: If you want to see us afterwards, we can exchange our numbers.
Barney: Excuse us a minute. (Barney leads Ted still at the entrance of the bar) Have you gone crazy? We do not want their numbers.
Ted: I know not what I was doing. I had panic there.
Barney: Qua na you exchange a number, you give him the opportunity to call to cancel. If you give a number without an appointment, they must come. Checkmate! No number, just my fingers. Truck.
Ted: You're still their father?
They go back again.
Barney: Why not arrange to meet you here tomorrow night to 22h.
Woman 1: I think it will snow. What do we do if there is a blizzard?
Barney: Whatever happens, we will be there.
Ted: That's all "ski" account.
Barney: Sorry one last time.
Ted: What is the problem here?
Barney: Well done.
Ted: Thank you.
Barney: At tomorrow night.
Woman 2: Bluntly.
Woman 1: Great!
The two women leave.
Barney: 'Definitely. Great! "Dude, these students seem stupid.
Ted: Bluntly.
Barney: Awesome. Here's the thing: tomorrow night, dress up well, it will move!
Ted: We would still have had to make their numbers.
Barney: You always imagine the worst. Ted, I promise, everything will be okay. It begins to snow.
GENERIC
Ted (2030): Children, the blizzard of 2009 was a monster. It snowed for 3 days, which gave three incredible stories. I start with Barney and me.
Ted and Barney are the only McClaren's.
Ted: It's really bad outside. They will not.
Barney: But if it will come. It has to. If I can touch one of those girls, I get a "Bingo party student." Come on, Ted. You're the only one here.
Ted: Sorry, a "Bingo party student"?
Barney: Every year, Playboy publishes a list of the best student parties in the country. I take the top 25, and I do... a bingo card. All I need now that Arizona Tech, which is crazy. In a contest, it would be given automatically.
Ted: How many people are on this festive bingo student?
Barney: Just me.
Ted: What is the purpose then?
Barney: The goal is to make it five in a row.
Ted: And you got what, if you succeed?
Barney: I have a bingo.
Marshall repaired the radiator to Ted's apartment, in front of Robin.
Robin: Thanks for stopping by. I hacked the thermostat for 1 h before it was seen that the intercom.
Marshall: Yeah, I heard you moan from below.
Robin: The theft of Lily's tonight, you're really not looking for it?
Marshall: As I said, when you grow up, our relationship matures with us.
Robin: Knowing your wife, she'll still bring you back a pack.
Marshall imagines the scene. Lily arrives at the airport and can not find Marshall.
Lily: Marshall?
Man: Puget Stout. The choicest of beverages from Seattle.And speaking of pack...
He lifts his shirt and Lily goes with him.
Robin: What are you doing?
Marshall: I'm going to the airport. How could I be so stupid? Of course it takes me back a pack!
Lily is on the plane.
Lily: But this time, I'm not back pack. Because... when it matures, the relationship matures with us.
Woman: He looks like a nice young man. I bet it will surprise you and pick you up anyway.
Lily also imagines the scene. She arrives at the airport without pack, and Marshall awaits.
Marshall: Where is my beer?
Lily: It was said not this time.
Marshall turns his sign which says: "Someone with beer."
Woman: I have beer.
Marshall: A pack and a size that suits me. Come on, new Lily.
Marshall leaves with the woman and leaves Lily.
Lily: I drink beer.
Voice: This is your captain speaking. Apparently, it will arrive with an hour early.
Ted and Barney are still at the bar alone.
Carl: Finish, guys. I close the bar.
Ted: No! It is only 21h.
Barney: And it rocks here, yo!
Carl: I'm really sorry, but I have to install beds in the church. It becomes a refuge, snowy nights.
Barney: selfish bastard! There are two cannons girls who come to us here.
Ted: You can leave it open a little more? We monitor everything.
Carl: You two? Impossible. You ignore the low bar.
Barney: Serve the g*n first?
Carl: That's the key. Once your girls arrive, you turn off the lights and close. I want to go back and find a mess here.
Ted: Seriously?
Carl: I can trust you.
Ted (2030): To find out what it meant to have the keys to the bar, I must revert back to the night when I released five little words that everyone says at one point in his life.
Flashback
Barney and Ted are playing Monopoly.
Ted: There should be a bar.
Barney: Of course, we should have a bar!
Ted: You really should have a bar.
Barney: It really should have a bar.
Ted: Our bar would be great.
Barney: And dude, dude, dude, dude... The name of our bar will be... Puzzles. People will, "Why Puzzles? "That's the puzzle.
Ted: That's... a great name for a bar! And also, Puzzles: no nightcap.
Barney: No nightcap!
Ted: Except where everyone ended up spending the best night of his life, then we put the chairs on the tables and pulled out the margarita fountain.
Barney: There should be a bar.
Ted: There should be a bar.
Ted (2030): Like all stupid sentences of five words that every man in her life said...
Marshall is on the edge of the roof.
Marshall: I can jump as far.
At the apartment...
Ted: I'm going to recover.
At the bar...
Carl: I can trust you.
Ted (2030):... we would regret it. We knew not yet.
End flashback
Ted and Barney are behind the bar and prepared cocktails, by engaging the bottles. Until they are falling.
Lily is at the airport.
Lily: You? Great! I'm coming. (She hangs up his phone) Ranjit?
Woman: I'm Rachel Sondheimer.
Ranjit: One moment, Lily. IF you get off the plane, which is Marshall? And the pack of beer?
Lily: That's the problem. I must be Brunivers in East Meadow in one hour.
Ranjit: In the car!
Lily: Thank you.
Ranjit hand with Lily, leaving Rachel plan.
In McClaren's...
Ted: Barman. Triple Sec.
Barney: It happens, keep tap. We will buy one.
Ted: Served.
Ted slides the glass on the counter but Barney does not catch up.
Barney: Served.
Ted: We will buy one.
Woman 1: thank you God, you're still here.
Woman 2: I do not know if you've seen Star Wars, but it looks like Hoth out.
Ted: Prem's.
Woman 1: Reminds me of when I was sledding with my father... before he leaves.
Barney: And prem's.
Ted: It can get warm with a glass?
Woman 2: Sure... In fact, I invited the rest of the group to join us.
Woman 1: It is the intention of getting drunk. Really get drunk.As my father did.
Barney: Prem's, prem's prem's.
Ted: I guess you could stay open longer. As it is you and the group? (The bar is crowded) Melissa, what kind of group is it?
Melissa: We are the band of hens fighting Arizona Tech.
All: Come on, Chickens!
Ted (2030): It was then that Uncle Barney and I had a telepathic conversation.
Ted: Dude, Carl is going to k*ll us if we turn not everyone immediately. I'm serious. He promised not to mess. Okay, you score a point. The bar is open! Who wants a beer?
Robin and Marshall drive to the airport.
Robin: I always find it silly. What happened to "when you grow up, the relationship matures with us"?
Marshall: It's just something Lily read in "Psychology." It's good, she read in "Cosmo". Okay, I read in "Cosmo". Well, it was in "Cosmo Girl". Drive, OK?
Robin: Why make a fuss a little ritual is abandoned.
Marshall: It's more than that, OK? This is our little rituals. You know what we did when I got home?
Robin: I do not wanna hear about f*ck like rabbits.
Marshall: They told what they had eaten at noon.
Flashback
Marshall returned to the apartment.
Marshall: Two eggs, a cheese pizza and steamed vegetables.
Lily: A little bread, chicken, celery sticks and a spoon of peanut butter. We f*ck like rabbits?
Marshall: They f*ck like rabbits.
End flashback
Lily is with Ranjit.
Ranjit: BTI... Too much information.
Lily: You know what I miss? The call for lunch.
Flashback
Lily is in the kitchen on the phone.
Lily: Baby, it's lunch and I love you.
Marshall at the office: I do not think less. Although I must warn you that there seems to be a surplus on my side.
Lily: No, I love you even more.
Marshall: Do we get a room to pull all this out? It seemed like a good compromise, although I have to work my positions. I love you too.
Marshall hangs up.
End flashback
Marshall and Robin were always by car.
Marshall: Now, when she calls, I let the answering machine.The answering machine!
Robin: How dare you?
Marshall: What I miss most is the kiss of midnight New Year
Lily: It was New Year's tradition But you know what we did this year?
Ranjit: Kiss like rabbits?
Lily: No.
Flashback
Lily and Marshall are sleeping on the couch.
End flashback
Robin: All of these little rituals, nice, cute... This is stupid. Say what we ate? They look like kids playing in the dinette.
Marshall: Maybe you think it's stupid because you've never had a relationship that lasts long enough for that.
Robin: What?
Marshall: You know nothing of love. You're like a robot that someone would cry and say that... "Why this human leaking?"
Robin: Really? Okay... Robot mode station-you-on-the-aisle-in-waiting-for-excuse-of-the imbecile.
Robin stops on the roadside.
Marshall: My robot was... a thousand times better.
Ted and Barney are always at McClaren's, behind the counter.
Man: FYI, the sink overflows into the bathroom.
Ted: There's no sink. And you get out of the kitchen.
Barney: Is there anything in a gin and tonic? There's what in a gin and tonic?
Ted: Hold a bar, it sucks. Is closed.
Barney: No nightcap! (The phone rings) Puzzles, Barney here.
Carl: Well, you're still there. I arrive in 5 minutes.
Barney: Last glass.
Robin and Marshall are always stopping on the roadside.
Marshall: A snowplow arrives. We must leave.
Robin: You think being in love, it's just to have pet names. Or let the words stupid or darken in the blizzard for no reason.
Marshall: You know what will happen?
Robin: You know what you are? You're a snob of love. There's lots of ways to live a relationship, you would know if you left your little club "Snob love."
Marshall: We'll be buried under the snow, that's what will happen.
Robin: Nothing to be done. I will not sit here and insult me.We're not going to the airport. We go. (The snowplow passes and buried under the snow) It's been what?
Ranjit and Lily arrive at a store.
Lily: It was earlier called for the drink of Seattle.
Man: You did well to call. I was close. It's the perfect storm outside. It was only in 2009, when the storm of the century, it is perhaps a little premature. Let the storm of the year. Even if one is in January.
Lily: It is rather a hurry, so we'll take the beer.
Man: You are a cute couple.
Ranjit: Thank you.
Lily: We're not a couple.
Man: God thank you. It would have been weird. Here it is."Supersonic Tonic".
Lily: No. It is a drum. I want a six pack.
Man: That's all I have.
Lily: You take the barrel.
Ranjit: What? No. The last time I had one in the car, I ended up removing the dried vomit on the seat with a Kn*fe.
Lily: Sorry, Ranjit, but it is a ritual, and I back this beer. If you could put it in the car. I'll give you $ 50.
Ranjit: A car.
Robin in the car...
Marshall: Robin, I'm sorry. You're not a robot. If you are, you are a very advanced model, and the human race has no chance. You did not choose to show your love through rituals tacky, and that's good. But maybe we did that because we have always done and we know no other way. What I know is that if there sitting alone at the airport, I have to go get her.These are the rules.
Robin: Close your eyes.
Marshall: I know not how you thought I draguais you, but...
Robin: Do it. (Robin opened the roof and the snow falls on them) Now, go find your wife.
Barney makes people out of the bar.
Barney: Okay, go. You are not obliged to return, but you can not stay. I always wanted to say that. I mean, in a bar. I say all the time with me.
Man: One day, we should have a bar. And when it will, there will never be nightcap.
Ted: We said no last drink. We must do.
Barney: We should do what? Carl will be there from one moment to another.
Ted: We can do one thing.
Ted was a bar to his apartment.
Ted: Caring for a bar, it's boring. We should stick to what we know.
Barney: We should start a band.
Ted: Of course! Why was not yet formed a band?
Marshall and Robin arrive at the airport.
Ted (2030): Children, sometimes in life, the planets align, everything comes together, and your timing is perfect.(Marshall and Lily calls Marshall called Lily but neither Marshall or Lily of the horizon. Lily sits on a bench and Marshall as well) It was not one of those moments.
Marshall: Where is she?
Robin: Seattle.
Marshall: What?
Robin: His flight was canceled. He has never taken off.
Marshall: She would have called me and...
Marshall looks at his phone. Lily is in Seattle.
Lily: Baby, it's me. My flight was canceled because of a snowstorm and I will not fly until Thursday, I'm still stuck here for two days. It's lunchtime and I love you.
Ted (2030): As I said, it was a storm of three days. Tuesday...
Robin and Marshall are by car.
Robin: I still think it's stupid.
Ted (2030): Wednesday... (Barney and Ted are at McClaren's, behind the counter) And Thursday... (Lily is a store with Ranjit) So Tuesday, when Marshall heard this message...
Marshall: It not return until Thursday. It was all the way here and not return until Thursday. I feel stupid. Listen, they say nothing to Lily about everything, OK? Especially the part where thou dredges.
Robin: I've not dredged.
Marshall: That's it.
Ted (2030): Then Wednesday...
At the apartment, it's party time.
Ted: Dude, I do not believe that you've ever done this far.You'll have to go back and redo all that way again tomorrow.
Marshall: The whole thing was a sign. Let us end this ancient ritual. I will not get it.
Ted: Robin you really dredged?
Marshall: Dude, that was weird.
Man: Guys, this festival is great! You are true friends of Hens fighting. If necessary, do not hesitate to ask.
Barney: The flute section does she see anyone?
Ted: You're not really looking for it?
Marshall: Really.
Ted: So, on New Year's kiss, calls for lunch, all... "I ate it today," you're really going to drop it?
Marshall: Yes, really.
Ted (2030): Which brings us to Thursday.
Lily is sitting on a bench at the airport. 3 men playing music, then a band come in, revealing Marshall.
Marshall: A muffin, a pastrami sandwich, and chips. I know that lunch is over, but I love you. I love you Lily, more and more each day. Happy New Year. That means I have to bring a band at the airport now?
Lily: Yes.
Marshall: Damn.
Marching band, Go Hens!
Ted is sitting on the couch with a woman.
Ted: Puzzles.
Woman: This is a great band name. Have you seen Amanda?
Barney: Bingo!
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x13 - Three Days of Snow"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Marshall, Lily, Robin, Barney and Ted read letters.
Marshall: It's crazy that Metro News One sends you this letter now.
Robin: Yes, I went for 4 months.
Lily: You got more fans than I thought.
Ted: And only 60% of them are prisoners.
Robin: These guys think what? I am far from my phase "dating a prisoner." It's like: "Hi, I am over 19 years."
Barney: The daughter of the lottery is there.
Robin: I'm sorry for these women. This is where careers go to die on TV.
Barney: Look. It's funny. I invented a little game
Presenter: The lotto numbers tonight are... 19...
Barney: Your age on arrival in New York after a photographer you have "discovered" to be published in Vogue.
Presenter: 53...
Barney: The number of nude photos that he has done before you realize he had no connection to Vogue.
Presenter: 22...
Barney: The age that you say you have.
Presenter: 31...
Barney: Your real age.
Presenter: 45...
Barney: The number of minutes for me to put in a taxi, get undressed and into my Jacuzzi.
Presenter: And the super bowl tonight is...
Barney: What happens after that is out of the jacuzzi. Great?
GENERIC
Ted (2030): Children in the winter of 2009, Robin was unemployed for months. But there was a glimmer of hope.
Robin joined the others at McClaren's.
Robin: Hi.
Lily: How was the audition?
Robin: I went very confident. I knew it was just me against two other girls.
Barney: I listening.
Flashback
Robin is in a waiting room, sitting between two women.
Robin: Hello.
Woman 1: Hello.
Robin: Robin Scherbatsky. And you are?
Woman 1: You have obviously never been to Denver.Rochelle Harper, News Center 12. It was just the first string for the Rockies... 5 years on.
Robin: I was a presenter here for Metro News One.
Rochelle: Presenter. You must have a mirror finish.
Robin: Sorry?
Woman 2: You must have a mirror finish. Like Walker Cronkite: "And that's how it is."
Rochelle: What is yours?
Robin: I always ended up with a simple "all of us at Metro News One, have a great evening."
End flashback
Barney: Mine: "From all of us in Barney's apartment, get out."
Lily: You do not let these bitches destabilize you, right?
Flashback
Robin this information.
Robin:... and the president's economic team hopes to have a proposal before Congress by the end of the month. All of us at News 10, have a great evening. So, good night, New York.And that the road ahead is illuminated in dreams and tomorrows. Which are lit with dreams... also.
End flashback
Ted: It's terrible. And bad... also.
Robin: It's not over.
Flashback
Robin: Arise, New York. Trust. Recycle. Exit covered.
End flashback
Marshall: Leave covered?
Robin: I will not be a presenter at Channel 10, right?
Barney: It just fell.
They are back to the apartment to read the letters.
Ted: The problem may be your CV. Have you seen like mine is ventilated? Yours is too busy.
Robin: As if everything on your resume is so important?"Program Director, Radio Wesleyan University"?
Marshall: My God.
Lily: Dr. X? You always talk to Dr. X?
Robin: Who is Dr. X?
Ted: No one knows. It was a mysterious and awesome DJ.
Marshall: It was Ted.
Ted: His identity is still secret.
Lily: It was Ted.
Ted: But this phantom waves changed the face of the campus radio.
Marshall: It was Ted.
Lily: The show was zero.
Flashback
In 1998, Marshall and Lily listen to the radio.
Radio: Here Dr. X, b*ll*ts of truth from an undisclosed location. For if I knew where they would silence me.
Marshall: You're the 3rd floor of the home student next to the playroom, dork.
Radio: I received lots of letters for my story on the menus of r*cist school.
Lily: How do you receive mail if someone knows where you are, moron?
Radio: This is why I organize an event to the self, Monday at midnight. It is time that leaders of the canteen remove ignorance and injustice menus. (Someone from the person of the radio) Ted, we are missing a player. What are you doing here, anyway? Dude, get out of here! I'll be right. Remember, self, Monday, midnight. Another event Dr. X. I'll be there, because X leaves its mark...
End flashback
Marshall: If you think people liked your show, it's wrong...
Barney: Bizarre. Look at what is mixed with your fan mail.
Robin: What?
Barney: It comes from the Ministry of Immigration.
Robin: The postmark date of two months. My God.
Lily: What has he?
Robin: My work permit. If I can not find a job in the coming...seven days, they will refer me to Canada.
Barney: I can not believe you that turns the country.
Robin: I know. My whole life is here.
Ted: No. We will not let them. One of us will help you find.
Lily: Yes, I'm sure I can find you something at school.
Marshall: No, guys... it does not work like that. Robin will have its license if it works in his field. You could stay if you got married to a U.S. citizen. Yes, it might work. No. The procedure to formalize it would take too much time. It will not work.
Robin: I'm screwed. I send my demo for 3 months and nothing.
Ted: Maybe there is something in it that people do not like.We'll watch it, OK?
Ted puts the tape.
Robin: Good question, Norm. For the first, I was an intern for Channel 22 in Red Deer. Alberta. In Canada. The snow falls hard enough, but these intrepid fishermen are still happy to contribute to the gathering of bass fishing Lake Athabasca, a tradition of 1 August To you, Norm. What? It was my first job. It shows where I come from.
Barney: Unless a bear att*cks you in 3 seconds with your legs and you break his neck, it has nothing to do in your demo.
Marshall: No, no, I understand. Your origins are part of what you sell. Moreover, in 'Special jurisdiction' on my resume, I put that in Minnesota, I was dunk champion Nicollet County in 1995.
Ted: You've put champion dunk in your CV?
Marshall: Yes, why not? Many companies have a basketball team. They like that TonnerreVanille can still crash into the net.
Robin: We called you TonnerreVanille?
Marshall: Yeah, TonnerreVanille. The ghost of snowshoes.The gate man. I was not very good in defense.
Ted: You can dunk more.
Marshall: Bine sure if. Finally, I could... until there is little.
Lily: Until the injury.
Flashback
Lily and Marshall are at the doctor.
Doctor: It's tendonitis of the iliopsoas.
Lily: Wow, it's scary.
Doctor: More commonly known as the dancer's hip.
Lily and the doctor laugh.
Marshall: Go! Iliopsoas tendinitis. This is the name. This is the only name.
End flashback
Marshall: iliopsoas tendinitis. It's a basketball injury. Finally, nothing incredible.
Lily: The dancer's hip, Marshall's ax dancer.
Marshall: OK, no. They call it like that because it is very common among ballet dancers.
Robin: Tell me, other girls in your class have the dancer's hip?
Marshall: Sure.
Ted: I have a technical question. Is it easier to dance when you do not have external genitalia?
Marshall: Well, go ahead, feel free to me.
Lily: Come on, guys. It did not hurt while dancing.
Marshall: Thank you, Lily.
Lily: Obviously, the stirrups were too far apart during his last visit to the gynecologist.
Barney: Folks, sorry to stop you before Marshall falls into tears, but Robin, check it out. What you need is a super video resume. Like mine. I present to you: Barneysvideocv.com.(The video starts with an expl*si*n) Hello. Barney Stinson, you have achieved great successes in business, sport and personal relationships, and have been an inspiration to many people.
Ted: Is that you? You INTERVIEWED yourself?
Barney: How could that be me? He is an Englishman. What would you recommend to your many admirers who want to reach the peak of their potential?
Ted: And a little Scottish.
Barney: The first thing to know about success is that it will not come to you. Most people associate success with money and power, but in fact it is a mindset.
Ted: You were supposed to be on a motorcycle to say that?
Barney: And when it comes to success, the only limit is that there is no limit.
Marshall: You know you stand next to a horse. Impressive.
Lily: Barney, I do not understand. You doing anything in these clips.
Barney: Exactly. Because that's what the world wants to work.People who seem to take risks, but never do anything. In fact, you do things will turn. I write a book about this phenomenon.
Marshall: Really?
Barney: No, it would be... You listen? All my life I have dared to go beyond the possible. Until the impossible? In fact, beyond that... where the possible and the impossible meet to become... the possimpossible.
Lily: The possimpossible? Oh yeah?
Barney: Inventing your own word shows creativity and vision..."Visia-ness." If I can leave you with one thought, is this one: nothing... and all... is possimpossible. (Several assembly passes with a song) This guy is awesome.
Ted: It's you again...? You sing a song about you?
Barney: Absolutely not. It would be stupid. Stinson, Barney Stinson singing this song, it would be really stupid. One of the fans who think this guy is awesome. Perfect and available.Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great... Great, great. Barney Stinson, committed. This jewel has earned me 11 jobs.
Ted: Impossible.
Lily: Barney, it was ridiculous and foolish.
Marshall: insensate-ule.
Robin: Make me one.
Lily: What?
Barney: Now, we talk about it.
Robin: What? I will be deported. I would try anything.
Barney: OK, we should get started. I have much to sh**t, I can not use the tapes I have of you.
Robin: Bands on me?
Barney: Let's start.
Lily and Marshall are both at the bar.
Lily: Honey. You're always sorry for the joke of the dancer?They joked. We all know that this is a basketball injury.
Marshall: Yes, absolutely. I have something to say.
Lily: What?
Marshall: I dance more than you think.
Lily: What?
Marshall: I dance... more than you think.
Lily: I do not know how to answer that.
Barney did his apartment a TV studio, where Robin is presenter.
Barney: What does it mean to be a reporter for you?
Robin: Since I was little...
Barney: Cut! You're mired in details. We need you to be vague, at ease with buzzwords like "synergy" and "dynamism". You can invent a word, as... "Relationality."
Robin: How does make me feel stupid commit somewhere?
Barney: All right. Do not do it. There are many exciting stories to cover in Canada. I just read it, the nephew of the mayor of Winnipeg went fishing on the ice and took a pole of 7 Kg Live from the worst place in the world, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
Robin: Rotate the camera. Connectitude.
Barney: I like it.
Robin: Transformatation.
Barney: Come on!
Robin: relationality.
Barney: relationality, this is mine.
At the bar...
Lily: How many dances are we talking about?
Marshall: I know. I think... I would say... average.
Lily: Why do you dance much, and I do not know why?
Marshall: I do that when I'm alone. When something good happens, and I'm excited and move, and I... I dunno, I want to talk about it.
Lily: You hurt the hip like that?
Flashback
Marshall is at work.
Man: You're aware of? They give us half a day. One can start at 14h.
Marshall: Super! Thank you, Herm.
Marshall enters his office and dance. Then screams.
End flashback
Barney, Robin returns to the living room dressed in a kimono.
Robin: These clothes are ridiculous. In addition, the armor of the amazon princess itch.
Barney: Showdown. You're not the first to wear it here. But it expresses the power. And that, too. Now, I need you break these 15 bricks with your forehead.
Robin: What? But you do anything in your video. You were right next to a horse and sitting on a motorcycle.
Barney: I am a man. You're a woman. Assume that you can do nothing. You must prove that society is wrong.
Robin: I can not break 15 bricks with my forehead.
Barney: There is more in 1950. Yes, you can.
Robin: I'm off.
Barney: Why?
Robin: It will not help me find a job. I'm going to evict. I know what to do. (Robin enters an office) This is where the auditions for the daughter of lottery?
Ted (2030): So your Aunt Robin had h*t bottom. She auditioned to be the daughter of lottery.
Robin: And the lotto numbers for tonight are...
Man 1: Wait... Say the text before pressing the button.
Male 2: It creates suspense.
Man 1: It creates suspense.
Robin: And the lotto numbers for tonight are... 17...
Man 2: Stop it.
Man 1: Wait.
Man 2: Why she says like that? It's as if she did not care so that the 17. She looks nasty.
Man 1: Yes, she looks super wicked. You can repeat "17" for us?
Robin: 17.
Man 2: I even understand what it does.
Man 1: Let me try something. Try to be a little disillusioned.
Robin: Disillusioned? On the 17th?
Man 1: Disillusioned with a small...
Man 2: crackling.
Man 1:... sparkle.
Robin: 17.
Man 1: It was great!
Lily, Ted and Marshall are in McClaren's.
Ted: I've taken a light beer. I know the dancers count calories.
Marshall: It's not funny. The doctor said if it gets worse, I should have surgery.
Ted: As a vaginal rejuvenation?
Marshall: You know who has not made a lot of vaginas in college?
Ted: Who?
Marshall: Dr. X.
Ted: It was perfect!
Lily: You know what? The two geniuses are going to remove that crap on their CV. You're not Dr. X, and you can not do the dunk. Forget.
Ted: Marshall and I are the only ones here with shit on our resume?
Lily: What are you insinuating?
Marshall: I know! Does July 4, 1995 does remind you of anything?
Lily: A species of bastard.
Flashback
In 1995, Lily enters a contest.
Referee: End! And the new champion with 29 hot dogs, Lily "The Belly" Aldrin.
End flashback
Ted: What it's related to your job as mistress?
Lily: It teaches kids... I can eat a lot of hot dogs very quickly.
Marshall: Yes, but you can not!
Lily: You can dunk over, hip cardboard!
Marshall: How dare you? These hips can...
Ted: Guys!
Robin arrives.
Robin: I have not even been taken as the daughter of lottery. I must leave Canada.
At the apartment...
Lily: I think so.
Robin: I remember the night before. They made me a farewell party. They gave me a camera to take pictures and send them home. Everyone was sure I will have much success. You will really miss.
Barney enters the apartment.
Barney: What's the matter?
Ted: Robin must leave Canada.
Barney: Oh, my God. It's horrible. It'll be along to commute.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I've finished your video resume myself. I posted it to all channels of the city. A guy called from Channel 8. He adores you. He wants you to pass an audition.
Robin: My God!
Barney: I said no. Robin Scherbatsky do not audition. He is given the job or anything.
Robin: So, I have the job.
Barney: No. He cursed me and hung up. But after Channel 12, called. They'll love it too. They offer you to host their new talk show in the morning.
Robin: It's amazing!
Barney: I sent them shit.
Robin: Dude!
Barney: They want you even more. So they increased their offer by 10%. Congratulations. Looks like you'll have to stay.
Lily: You're not going to dance?
Marshall: It's OK. Later.
Robin: How did you do that?
Barney: I am the master of possimpossible.
Robin: Yes. Thank you.
Ted (2030): So, thanks to your uncle Barney, it was possible to keep your Aunt Robin. And the others decided it was time to drop some things. Finally, except Lily.
At the bar, Lily tries to b*at his record.
Marshall: That one is good. And... end! What is the total?
Ted: 33!
Flashback
1998, Monday at midnight... A man holding a sign stating hidden "menu = Racism".
Ted: Why nobody comes to my events?
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x14 - The Possimpible"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
The band is in McClaren's.
Lily: Look. Three beautiful blondes drinking bad decision juice at 8am.
Marshall: Pretty radar chest. This is my wife.
Barney: No, I must go.
Lily: Seriously? They are blond and stuffed. This is not your type?
Barney: Maybe I did not like. My God, you think that the male spirit is really so simple, we all have a favorite type? Lord.Asian, big tits. I go to the bathroom, then I'm going.
Lily: You noticed that Barney is weird lately?
Ted: Actually, yes. You know, he never gives flowers to a girl, because living things remind babies?
Lily: Yes.
Ted: The other day I saw him in a flower shop on the 82nd, he bought roses.
Robin: What?
Marshall: Now that you say, Barney did something weird yesterday at the office.
Flashback
Barney is sitting in his office.
Barney: OK, to Saturday. (Marshall is in the doorway) I was thinking of a brunch, and perhaps a hike. I love you too.
End flashback
Marshall: I thought he was talking to a girl he just wanted to jump. Or Ted, but now I know more.
Lily: You think it is possible that Barney Stinson has a girlfriend?
Barney: A plus.
Lily: Wait. Where are you going?
Barney: Nowhere. At the beach. It's winter. Laser Tag. At home. Shut up! It is you who are going somewhere.
Barney leaves the bar.
Lily: My God. He goes to see now.
Everyone ran from the bar to catch Barney.
They are all in a taxi and follow Barney.
Marshall: Where is Barney?
Ted: Yeah. It is even more in Manhattan. Where does this girl?
Robin: We talk about a woman that Barney Stinson has worked. I vote for Narnia.
Ted: He stops.
Barney enters a house without knocking. Lily knocking on the door. Barney opens.
Barney: What are you doing here?
Lily: Where is she?
Barney: Who?
Lily: Your girlfriend. You did not really like, huh?
Barney: These are my friends. Ted, Marshall, Lily and Robin.Guys, here is Loretta. My mother.
Loretta: Nice to meet you. I feel I already know you. Barney can not stop talking about you every day.
Robin: You call your mother every day?
Barney: Mom!
Lily: So that's what we hide you? You did not want people to know that you're a momma's boy.
Barney: Yes, you got me. I guess you can leave.
A woman walks down the stairs.
Woman: Hello.
Robin: Hi.
Woman: Who are these people?
Barney: Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin. I present to you Betty... my wife. And my son, Tyler.
GENERIC
Loretta: Betty and I are going to prepare dinner. There will be something for everyone.
Betty: But forget, one meatloaf, after what was said Dr. Grossbard on your cholesterol.
Barney: She wants me to live long.
Betty: Guilty. I love you.
Barney: Me too.
Barney kisses.
Tyler: Me-seven!
Barney: Will in, little rascal! I'll see you at the bar?
Robin: What's that, Barney?
Barney: It's a long story. As you know, my father had to leave my mother when I was a baby because he became presenter of the Just Price.
Robin: Very good program.
Marshall: Bob Barker is your father.
Barney: She had to raise my brother and I, all alone. And his only wish was that his son did not end up alone like her. And there seven years, she fell ill.
Flashback
Barney is c hospital alongside his mother.
Barney: I do not think she was going to make. So I decided to fulfill his wish. Mom. This is Betty. We're engaged.
End flashback
Barney: I hired an actress to play my girlfriend "Betty". His real name is Margaret. It is mainly small theaters. Superb actress.In it a Moliere. I say no more. This is political. I should not talk about it. But there is a problem. Betty has a slight tendency to improvise.
Flashback
Barney: You see, Mom? I found someone who makes me happy. As you wished.
Loretta: It's beautiful. I wish I could stay for small children.
Betty: I'm pregnant!
End flashback
Barney: And then my mother went better. It was miraculous.But I had to keep "Betty" and make a casting to find my son, Tyler.
Lily: It's crazy. Did you actually cast your own son?
Barney: For a while, it was enough to borrow / keep the baby from neighbors. And once at Christmas, my mother was drunk at the grog, I went out with a bag of flour and a Chucky mask.But eventually I had to audition.
Flashback
Many children are before Barney, with numbers.
Barney: four, eight... thirteen, you stay. The other, you can leave.
Woman: You said if I slept with you, my son would have the role.
Barney: Apparently I'm better actor than your son. Bring those from 11!
End flashback
Barney's son arrives in the lounge.
Barney: And that's how the role of Tyler went to... Grant.
Ted: Come on, Grant looks pretty good.
Barney: Really? Look. Tyler? Tyler? Tyler? Grant?
Grant: Yes?
Barney: You see? This is amateur work. Believe me, the child stars had better possession in the 80s.
Lily and Marshall go down the stairs.
Lily: It sounds like your mother kept your child's room as you had left.
Marshall: It's a huge Karate Kid poster above your bed.
Barney: Karate Kid's a great movie. This is the story of a young karate enthusiast whose dreams led him to Karate Championship All Star Valley. Unfortunately, he loses in the final against another loser. But he learned an important lesson in accepting his defeat.
Lily: Wait. When you watch Karate Kid, you are the wicked little blonde?
Barney: No, I'm for the other loser from New Jersey who barely knows karate. When I watch Karate Kid, I'm for real karate kid: Johnny Lawrence of Cobra Kai dojo. Do not get dumber than you are, Lily.
Ted: I just remembered where I know you. I saw you play at the theater of disorientation, Die heilige Johanna der Schlachthöfe by Bertolt Brecht, last fall. You were a revelation!
Betty: Really?
Ted: Yes.
Betty: Thank you. I know not, finally, the purpose of Brecht's work is of course...
Ted and Betty:... to confuse people.
Ted: Yes. Sorry. You got a Brechtophile before thee!
Betty: You know it really theater.
Ted: Mrs Theatre has won my heart once and has never left me. Every year at Christmas, I created a piece for parents with all the kids.
Flashback
Boy: Hey, Santa, do you think we can take off with this weather?
Ted: Cut! Cut! Grandpa and Grandma will be there in half an hour, and you always skinned my words. I feel like I'm going to write, direct and play this thing. Give me your elf hat. Sit down.
End flashback
Ted: I always wanted to be an actor. It is this kind of dream that flies away with time.
Betty: Look, if you want, I can give you advice as an actor.
Ted: Really?
Betty: I would love. Rule number one player...
While Betty speaks with Ted, Robin sits on the couch next to Tyler.
Grant: At least one person who still loves to play. I miss that.
Robin: You do not like playing the son of Barney?
Grant: I hate. But what can I do? I get no phone call.
Robin: I know what it is. I am a presenter. But I had to accept a job on a morning show that starts at 4:30. I thought evolve much faster than that, you know? I'm almost 30 years.
Grant: Come on, you're still beautiful. I love your new nose.
Robin: I have not had surgery.
Grant: That's it. Neither do I.
Marshall and Lily are in the kitchen with the mother of Barney.
Lily: I can not believe that there has never met you. Who knew that Barney's mother was so great?
Loretta: Thank you, darling. Actually, I was not so perfect a mother when I was younger.
Marshall: Do not say that. I'm sure you were great.
Loretta: Yeah, I was rather a drag.
Lily: I'm sorry?
Loretta: A drag, darling. A dirty streak. I am not proud. But...Finally, I had fun. There's no pleasure as intense as... to watch a guy in the eye and say, "I do not know your name, and you either, but... the next eight minutes we're going to flinch foundations of this gas station toilet. " Then to proceed in opposite directions. And just drive.
Marshall: Barney Mom? Loretta.
Loretta: Finally, all this is history now. I did the best I could, but... Sometimes, I wonder how Barney was able to become so perfect.
Marshall and Lily talk to Barney.
Marshall: You must tell the truth to your mother, OK? Listen, this is a nice woman, loving, a little too direct that deserves better.
Barney: No, no question. The truth would k*ll her.
Marshall: I do not feel well to the idea of lying to a woman so warm, OK? It reminds me of my mother. What?
Lily: Warm? Remember to marriage, I said we would be together forever? On our return down the aisle, your mother leaned over and said, "Not forever, darling. Marshall will go to heaven. "
Marshall: She was joking.
Lily: She hates me, Marshall. But that's okay, because...Forget.
Marshall: You're going to say what?
Lily: Nothing. You want to go do it again in the bedroom of Barney?
Barney: On the bed "race car"?
Marshall: The handles are great. Listen, Lily, if you learned something today, is that honesty is important in a family.Whatever your feelings about my mother, we've been together for 12 years, baby. I think I can handle it.
Lily: Really? I hate your mother.
Marshall: You know what? I hate you!
Marshall goes upstairs.
Loretta: In two minutes, meat loaf!
Tyler: Meatloaf? Tyler to love!
Barney: We talked about it a million times! You get no slogan!
Grant: But it's funny.
Barney: I can make another cast. Will remember your sentences for the big dinner scene.
Robin: Wait. You wrote that we will have dinner?
Barney: Just a little script. Things that my mother will be pleased to hear.
Robin: What kind?
Everyone is at the table.
Betty: And I really thought that Barney had forgot our anniversary. So I rushed into the garden, smoke coming out of my ears.
Barney: The nostrils dilated. They do it when she gets mad. I love it. As now. Like now!
Betty: You better stop!
Barney: Sorry, my little bear. Continues. You really like that for a relationship.
Betty: So I go out raging in the garden, and... candles everywhere... and a string quartet. You come to believe?
Lily: No, not at all.
Loretta: And my boy Ty-Ty. What's new?
Barney: Funny story, the other night, this little rascal had a nightmare. He came to tell us what it was, you remember what you said?
Tyler: Well...
Barney: Page 4...
Tyler: The dinosaur bones at the museum have come back to life and chasing me?
Marshall: Thank you very much, man. Tonight I will not sleep.
Barney: Tyler said: "In my nightmare, mom and you did not know how much I loved you. So I'm here to say it was great...like that. "
Loretta: It was cute.
Barney: We're a happy family.
Loretta: I will take a little ice in the freezer downstairs and make the ice creams in the kitchen.
She gets up.
Barney: No weak link in this scene. Bravo!
Robin: Come on, Barney. You have no idea of the difficulty of getting a job beneath you. I really liked your tip on the bones of dinosaurs.
Marshall: You can stop with that?
Barney: Go and eat your ice.
Grant: I can not. I'm lactose intolerant.
Barney: Guess who is not lactose intolerant: Tyler. Tyler will go there and enjoy every bite.
Loretta: It's time for ice!
Barney: Yum!
Loretta: My God!
Ted and Betty kissing in the kitchen.
Tyler: Tyler dislike.
Barney: You're not gonna get us out a slogan.
Loretta: I do not understand.
Barney: I, yes. Follow me. I... been betrayed by my best friend.How could you do that, Ted? Think of the poor Tyler who tries valiantly to hold back tears. It's good my boy, you can cry.Weep!
Tyler: I do not want my mom and dad divorced!
Barney: What can you have to say for yourself?
Flashback
Betty: Rule number one player: "Do not be afraid to improvise."
End flashback
Ted: Is it I who betrayed, or that you have betrayed me?
Barney: Sorry. What?
Flashback
Betty: Rule number 5 player: "Invent a rich backdrop for your character. "
End flashback
Ted: November 14, 1998. The night train to Monte Carlo. I was in the car pool arnaquant Algerians few thousand dinars, while thou séduisais my bride! Who is blind and took you for me.
Barney: For God's sake, what are you talking?
Flashback
Betty: Rule number 8 player: "Do not be afraid to come to blows. "
End flashback
Ted slaps Barney.
Ted: You know not well what I mean?
Barney: No, not at all.
He slaps him again.
Ted: Of course I do! And for sure I'll hear you admit it, manure!
Barney: Mom, you leave us a moment?
Loretta: There was chocolate and caramel. There are lots of kinds of noodles and marshmallows.
She leaves the kitchen and Marshall closes the door.
Barney: You've lost your mind?
Betty: You were amazing! You really become that character.
Ted: Honestly, I played a really Ted, I tried not to be him.
She kisses Ted.
Barney: What's wrong with you? How do I explain this to my mother?
Lily: It may be time to tell him the truth.
Marshall: I know. Sometimes, honesty leads people to say bad things about the woman who always took care of me because I was the runt of the family. For God's sake, I'm just a 92 m!
Robin is out with Tyler.
Grant: How were my tears?
Robin: Perfect. You see? Even in a role that you hate, you manage to love what you do.
Grant: It may be like that in your new job.
Robin: You think so?
Grant: I know.
Robin: Thank you, Grant. You're pretty smart, you know that?
Grant Robin tends to its mouth, closing his eyes.
Grant: We are sorry! I thought something was happening.
Barney joined his mother in the living room.
Loretta: Honey, you okay?
Barney: Mom, I've got something to tell you. Something I should have told you long ago. Tyler is dying. And Betty said that when he is gone, it will go out. So it may soon be over.
Loretta: My God!
Barney: None of this is true! The truth is that... Betty and Tyler are actors I hired to pretend to be my family.
Loretta: What?
Barney: I just wanted you to think I had the life you wanted for me. I wanted you to be proud of me. It sounds crazy, and I'm sorry, Mom.
Loretta: Well, Betty is not your wife?
Barney: No.
Loretta: thank you God! I do not like this woman.
Barney: Really?
Loretta: Yes. And Tyler... I know I am his grandmother and I'm supposed to love him, but I hate him. "Tyler not love! "What does that mean?
Barney: Is it not?
Loretta: With your fake friends over there, I wanted to sh**t myself.
Barney: I know! They are not horrible? So really, you angry with me?
Loretta: I'm confused. I do not know why you thought having to do that. I love you, perfect family or not. I love you, no matter what.
Barney: Really?
Loretta: Really.
Barney: I'm really relieved because in reality, I am also far from being a married man can be. My stories with women you would shock and horrify you.
Loretta: Whatever. I love you always.
Barney: Seriously, you can not imagine what I could do.
Loretta: When you were 3 years old, I left you with a babysitter and spent three weeks with Grand Funk Railroad, from one guy to another like a bang.
Barney: Mom!
Loretta: Promise me one thing. If ever you meet someone special, do not run away. Do not like me. Take a chance, okay?
Robin opened the door.
Robin: The taxi is here.
Barney: I'll try.
They are all in a taxi, except Ted.
Ted (2030): Thus ended one of the strangest afternoons of our lives.
Lily: And I just wanted to say, if I was never cold or distant, I'm sorry.
Robin: Who speaks it?
Marshall: My mother.
Lily: It mean a lot to me if we could be closer.
Ted and Betty is in another taxi.
Betty: Breathe loudly as if the result would be hard to say. I love you.
Lily: I love you...
Ted: Mom...
He is also on the phone.
Lily:... Mom.
Betty: Do like I was nice.
Lily: Do like I was nice. I mean, it's really nice of you, Judy.You too. See you soon.
Marshall, Lily, Barney, Robin and Ted are in McClaren's.
Marshall: That I understand that. You tell me when you watch Karate Kid, you're not in San Daniel?
Barney: Nope!
Ted: Who do you like in Die Hard?
Barney: Hans Gruber, the villain class. At the end, it is trapped.This is the title character.
Lily: OK, and Breakfast Club?
Barney: The teacher who is watching. This is the only one who passes the whole movie in a suit.
Robin: I have one. Terminator.
Barney: What is the title, Robin? Who among us has not shed a tear when his small red eye goes to the end and he can not k*ll these people? Sorry. The film...
Ted: I'll watch the film again with you.
Barney: They even try to help!
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x15 - The Stinsons"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): In 2009, your Aunt Robin had a morning show.She had to get up early enough. At what point?
1:45, Robin joined Barney, Ted, Marshall and Lily to McClaren's.
Robin: Hello, everyone.
Marshall: So you do really? You really gonna go to work at 2am.
Robin: I do not for me. I do it for the fans.
Marshall: Who is a fan of a program broadcast at 4am?
Lily: Those with a show at 5am?
Ted: The addicts who have not sold their TV?
Barney: The strippers in this weird time between work and waking the children?
Robin: They are. Put me know. It's been what?
Marshall: You know, as usual.
Barney: Really, as usual.? Think the funniest thing that ever happened.
Robin: It's good.
Barney: And twice that.
Robin: So a chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos?
Barney: Something even funnier happened to Marshall today.
Marshall: First, nothing is funnier than that. Then it's not such a good story.
Robin: Come on, guys. You are four young people active in the most exciting city in the world. And you have nothing to tell me?
Lily: What do you want? Sometimes it's like that. The same thing over and over again. One of my students ate glue.
Barney: I have used questionable methods to skip a very silly girl.
Ted: My ex, Karen, is in New York. The usual routine.
Lily: Karen is here?
Barney: You're kidding me!
Ted (2030): Children, I think you talked about Karen.
Flashback
Ted (2030): It was my girlfriend in high school and at times in college. She was beautiful, intelligent. I was crazy in love with her. The only problem, Marshall and Lily were not. It should probably come out of this as soon as we opened.
Ted is on his bed, kissing a girl while Lily and Marshall are playing cards.
Karen: I like you live in a dorm. It's so American. Like eating rotten sandwiches and be r*cist.
End flashback
Lily: My God, it was a real idiot.
Marshall: Dude, the gold medal of the andouille de Vire.
Ted: It was not that bad.
Lily: Of course, for you. You had it turned into a zombie of andouille.
Marshall: I want to eat your brain, but only if it is organic and free range.
Ted: What?
Flashback
Marshall, Lily, Ted and Karen eat in the room of Ted and Marshall.
Lily: You pass me the salt?
Karen: The salt? It's so bourgeois.
Ted: Bluntly.
Marshall is lying on his bed, wearing Ted and Karen's books next.
Karen: What is this?
Marshall: It's... a TV.
Karen: I not watch TV.
Ted: Bluntly.
Karen: You thought I would buy tickets to WrestleMania? It was ironic.
Ted: Bluntly.
Marshall (disguised): I know... you was ironic. Me too... I'm ironic.
Lily (arriving disguised): Let's go! What?
End flashback
Marshall: This makeup has one month to go. I met with parents of Lily. I have never looked so stupid.
Barney: So far. Tells the story, tells the story!
Marshall: Get off me!
Robin: Wait. It's really funny?
Barney: I'm not kidding. I almost do not want you to hear, because really, for the rest of your life, nothing will ever be as fun and you, curse you for agreeing to hear. You gotta hear it.This is too funny.
Marshall: Okay.
Flashback
Marshall is in the locker room with his colleagues.
Marshall: This morning I was in the gymnasium of the box to play basketball. The guys from work can be quite violent with their taunts.
Bilson: Look Wisniewski. He will cry. Look at him.
Man: Look at him.
Marshall: I think that the knees are made to bend like that. He may have torn his cruciate ligament.
Bilson: Dude, all that he has torn, that's her uterus or maybe her hymen.
Man: Yeah, or the fallopian tube.
End flashback
Marshall: I can be a bit watered down dialogue, whatever...
Flashback
Marshall: I searched my bag to get my stuff working...
End flashback
Barney: Wait. Expect. I want to say.
Marshall: Okay. Say it.
Barney: He searched his bag to get his stuff, and... No, say it.It's more fun if you say so. Let me say it. No, say it. You say.Say it. At the same time. No, go ahead.
Marshall: I forgot...
Barney: He forgot his pants!
Flashback
Marshall is in shorts in the corridors of his job. He enters his office.
End flashback
Barney: He forgot his pants.
GENERIC
Robin: He forgot his pants. It's pretty funny. Less than a chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos. I mean, he... he forgot that he was already one? Moron, the monkey.
Ted: So, Karen in New York. Bizarre, no?
Lily: You can not get back with Karen.
Ted: I never said I'd do that. I thought it arrives. That would be the worst disaster if I called?
Marshall: It is not the worst, no. That would be the fourth worst.1: Super volcano. 2: An asteroid falls to Earth. 3: Any record of Evel Knievel is lost. 4: Ted called Karen. 5: Lily is eaten by a shark.
Lily: My name is Lily and I approve this order. You know the story. Ted and Karen had a rocky relationship in college. It always happened like this. They were having fun, being obnoxious until one day...
Flashback
Ted enters her room with a pizza.
Ted: You find pepperoni fascist and you're so right, so... (He finds Karen in bed with another) Oh, my God! Karen!
Man: Sorry, dude.
Karen: Before you say a word, I think you should read Les Fleurs du Mal by Baudelaire.
End flashback
Marshall: After that, they broke. Ted was totally depressed, and we waited the necessary time to tell him what we thought of it.
Flashback
Ted: I broke up with Karen.
Lily: They hated it!
Marshall: Bye bye, the slut!
End flashback
Lily: Then Ted went up the noggin and took the bus to Providence to tell Karen's four truths.
Flashback
Marshall: How was it?
Ted: Super. Look who's here!
Marshall and Lily: Karen.
End flashback
Lily: And finally, all over again from scratch.
Flashback
Ted: It's gonna be 10,002 Maniacs, because I have tickets to Natalie Merchant...
He finds Karen still in bed with a man.
Man: Sorry, dude.
End flashback
Robin: She came to see you in college and when you had my back turned, she brought the guys in your room?
Barney: Respect.
Ted: I was an idiot. It was my first real girlfriend. I was crazy about her. We've all done things we regret in college. In the third year, Marshall has grown the goatee, wearing a beret and Rasta required to be called MJ Cool.
Marshall: I regret it at all.
Ted: So you really think that I should not call?
Robin: No.
Marshall: Go back in your little head it.
Ted: OK, OK. Interesting information: it is already done.
Lily: Are you kidding!
Barney: The pants!
Lily: I can not believe that thou hast called. Why do not you invite him to lunch as you're at it?
Ted: Because I will not invite him to lunch... again.
Lily: You have to lunch?
Marshall: Why do you want to lunch with an ex?
Barney: Good question, there are four reasons for a "meal ex '.1: They want to get back together.
Lily: As my high school boyfriend, Scooter.
Flashback
A man arrives with flowers in the restaurant where Lily is already.
Lily: The Lilium, not stupid. Sorry, I have no scooter for you.
Scooter: This is super funny! I forgot your humor.
Lily: It is this server?
Scooter: Why? You like the servers? I can be a waiter. I will become the best server in the world, and you'll love me!
End flashback
Barney: 2: They want to k*ll you. As my lunch with Wendy.
Flashback
Barney is the restaurant with Wendy.
Wendy: Happy is that way at last. You know, after you have rejected nine times, I almost drop.
Barney: But you did not do it, you've continued to insist.
Wendy: Actually, there is one thing I wanted to give you.
Barney: g*n! She's got a g*n!
He runs away.
Wendy: It's a tie!
End flashback
Barney: 3: They make you really want your business.
Robin: As my lunch with Curt.
Flashback
Robin is the restaurant with Curt.
Curt: Actually, there is one thing I wanted to give you.
He pulls out a g*n and gives it.
Robin: My short-barreled 38 Special Police! I knew that I had left it somewhere. Every time I watch the news, I pray it is not my g*n.
Curt: We did well to break.
End flashback
Barney: Or four: You taunt with their success.
Marshall: As my lunch with Nicole Barsamian.
Robin: Who is Nicole Barsamian?
Marshall: My ex.
Flashback
Marshall is at school, at dinner with a girl.
Marshall: Hi, Nicole.
Nicole: You look good.
Marshall: You look pretty.
Nicole: I see someone.
Marshall: Already? Who?
Nicole: Lee Roberts. He already reads like a CM2.
End flashback
Marshall: You must cancel the luncheon.
Ted: I'd do that, of course... if he had not already occurred.
Lily: Robin, I will have to borrow the butt of your g*n.
Robin: I still lost. You come to believe?
Lily: How can you break bread with this chick?
Ted: It was a lunch and not eat wheat. It was nice to be back.We even laughed at the idiots we were.
Flashback
Ted is the restaurant with Karen, his ex.
Karen: Say I had a beret different every day.
Ted: Say I had a picture of Moliere on my backpack.
Karen: It was pretentious.
Ted: Bluntly pretentious.
Waiter: What would you like?
Karen: I want to make a scene, but in your list of wines, there is a Chateauneuf-du-Pape listed under "Côtes de Provence".You should tell your waiter.
Waiter: And for you?
Ted: I hate change, but take us brushettes and fresh mozzarella. Grazie.
End flashback
Ted: It was great. There was an odd moment near the end.
Robin: How to say goodbye in these situations? A kiss on the cheek, too familiar. A handshake, too formal.
Barney: And a hug is like a hug in public.
Marshall: You must embrace strangely.
Lily: What has happened?
Ted: So...
Flashback
Karen: Schopenhauer had a discussion daring, in which he opposed...
Ted kisses her.
End flashback
Lily: Ted, darling. Go outside and bite the curb. I arrive in 1 minute.
Ted: Karen was the first girl I really loved. And after the year I had, I dunno, I think of lunch with her reminded me what it was to turn 18 and life ahead. And I would remind everyone that at least I was wearing pants.
Marshall: You can not change the subject like that.
Robin: The pants.
Barney: The pants! The pants!
Marshall: It was nothing! I had a small problem, so I called Lily.
Barney: Tell us, what was this concern?
Marshall: I forgot my pants.
Flashback
At school, Lily is on the phone.
Lily: What do you mean you forgot your pants?
Marshall: I forgot. You have a bringest me.
Lily: And the spare.
Marshall: Last Thursday, the mustard? You have a goldfish memory.
End flashback
Lily: Ted, you're not going out so easily. While the history of pants is fun...
Barney: Fun? Rather, very fun.
Lily: That's nothing compared to this crazy thing with Karen.Ends.
Ted: That's all. It was just a kiss in a restaurant.
Lily: Why do you say "the restaurant"? You've embraced elsewhere?
Ted: As in a tree? No, it was not done in a tree. What is his problem?
Marshall: You did what?
Flashback
Ted and Karen return to the apartment, with a kiss.
End flashback
Barney: How could you?
Lily: Marshall forgot his pants today, and yet you are the stupidest in this table.
Ted: Lily, let's be honest. We know both your motives. You hate Karen because she lingered.
Lily: assh*le.
Robin: What do you mean by linger?
Lily: February 5,... In 1998. I painted...
Flashback
Lily Marshall painted while laying bare. Karen enters the room.
Karen: I'm sorry. Sorry. (She goes out then comes back) The color palette is a bit derivative of the first Van Gogh, right?
End flashback
Lily: Ted Horn, critique my painting, anything, that's your business. But I catch you eyeing the mess of my guy and you lingered? You'll be received well.
Robin: The game is the game
Marshall: In his defense, I had just the muscle.
Ted: Why paint naked?
Lily: He had eaten my fruit bowl. The fact is that Karen is a dirty pervert, you can not bring into our lives.
Ted: Relax, it was just one night! And three after. And one morning. But at least I had pants. Even if, in fact, I had not.
Robin: It happened to us? Where was I?
Ted: You know the sleeping pills you take for your crazy schedule? They are stronger than you think.
Flashback
Ted and Karen kissing on the couch, then rises to the room of it.
Robin La Fontaine sends the puck to Turgeon. (She sleeps on the desk in the lounge) draws Turgeon. Judgment of the mitten.
Ted and Karen kissing on the couch again.
Robin: Do not worry. I will say nothing to Marshall.
Karen: I'll have a beer. You want one? A beer. I decanted Bordeaux.
Robin is lying in the kitchen, half asleep and eat.
End flashback
Barney: Ted, that's for sure, it's fun to look back when you were a farm girl fresh complexion and a virgin. But all that stuff... Ohio, Karen, in college... it was A.S. "Before Stinson." Now your life is great! Okay, you still live with your ex, which is ridiculous. Laser tag your skills are almost nonexistent. And your wardrobe, it's like, what, you're allergic to fabric quality?Seriously, pull yourself together. What are we talking?
Robin: What is the result with the bimbo?
Marshall: It's a foregone conclusion. Ted is Charlie Brown trying to sh**t and Karen, it's Lucy who takes away the ball at the last second and sleeping with. You have understood me.Ted falls in love, and Karen is going wrong with a playboy, who says... "Sorry, dude."
Ted: False! You got to let the right answer in your pants, because that's exactly what did not happen.
Ted (2030): Because that's what happened.
Flashback
Ted and Karen are in bed and kiss.
Ted (2030): An afternoon at Karen.
A man enters the room and discovers Karen with Ted.
Man: My God. How could you?
Ted: Sorry, dude.
Ted (2030): This time, the playboy with whom she deceived...
End flashback
Ted: That was me. Me. The one time Marshall forgot his pants?
Marshall: Damn! Stop changing the subject. You have gone too far. You are complicit in breaking the heart of this poor guy.And you, you are best placed to know how it feels.
Robin: You really do speak of your pants?
Marshall: What?
Barney: Pant, pant...
Marshall: Okay! Lily came to the office to bring me my pants...
Barney: Why she did this?
Marshall: Because I forgot.
Flashback
Lily out of the elevator and crosses Barney.
Barney: Lily, what are you doing here?
Lily: I just give something to Marshall.
Barney: He "give" something. Understood. Nice.
Lily: But I'm in a hurry. I can give it to you?
Barney: Of course, yes.
Lily: And you give him?
Barney: Wait. I do not know. Yours had better be really good.
Lily: What are you talking?
Barney: What about you?
Lily: Marshall forgot his pants, so I brought him one.
Barney: He forgot his pants. Good thing you came because today it has an important meeting, and it would be embarrassing and not at all funny if it were to show no pants. I will make sure he has.
Lily: Awesome. Thank you.
End flashback
Ted: And you did not give him.
Barney: Theodore Evelyn Mosby. Of course I gave him. I gave him my word. It is concrete. For cons, I made a few alterations.
Flashback
Barney cut Marshall's pants. Marshall is in a meeting.
Marshall: As you can see on page 44 of the contract...
Bilson: Since when you are in AC / DC?
Marshall: You can look at page 44 of the contract?
Man: Auditions for Oliver Twist are down!
Barney: Please, can I have more... pants?
End flashback
Barney laughs alone.
Barney: More...
Robin: Is that all? It's the story?
Marshall: What has happened to Karen?
Lily: I'll finish for you. Ted left without saying anything, and Karen got exactly what she wanted.
Ted: Not this time.
Flashback
In Karen, Ted gets dressed.
Ted: You have a boyfriend?
Karen: It's a moment you move away. I intended to break.
Ted: You're unbelievable. You do not have the guts to break up with someone decent. So, you've preferred to ride it all.
Karen: OK, you're right. I'm good in literature. Gifted in art.Good at identifying a French wine for less than a kilometer from where the grapes grew. But... I'm really bad to watch someone and say what I feel.
Ted: We're both zero for that. But... I think we need to change.Why do not I would start? You are really hurtful and reckless.Goodbye.
Karen: Ted, wait. In fact, "good bye" means "until we see each other again." So I guess you mean that in fact, we'll meet again?
Ted: Sorry, dude.
End flashback
Robin: I am impressed. For you too have worn it all day?
Marshall: It shows my calves.
Barney: The pants. Still tells.
Lily: You know, this is perhaps good that you called Karen.
Ted: Of course. And that for me, too. Later, she spoke with Jerry, and the discussion was that it avoided breaking with me.
Ted (2030): You see, children, sometimes when you have to have a difficult discussion, the better to do...
Lily: Wait a minute. You said that you never reparlerais him?So how do you know she has followed your advice?
Ted: Right. On this subject... After breaking up with this guy, we went out, we slept since we're together. It's really okay, this time it's different. Here it is. Be nice!
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x16 - Sorry, Bro"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted and Karen arrive at McClaren's where Marshall, Robin, Lily and Barney are already installed.
Ted (2030): In March 2009, I went out a few weeks with my high school girlfriend, Karen. My friends were not really happy.
Karen: Hi all.
All: Hi.
Ted: Sorry, can not stay.
Barney: It's unfortunate!
Robin: Disgusted!
Karen: They are real diamonds?
Robin: Yes. Yes, absolutely. Thank you.
Karen: I did not say that I loved.
Robin: I got a great deal...
Karen: I'm sure that minors exploited in Sierra Leone you would type in five if they still had their fingers. But it's nice.Meet me at the top.
Karen part.
Robin: They need a finger to do what I think.
Marshall: Ted, Karen is an idiot.
Ted: Nice set of forms.
Marshall: I put the forms there.
Ted: Believe it or not, my friends do not have a say on which I frequent. This is my life. I decide.
Karen: Now!
Ted: I arrive.
Following the call from Karen, he left.
Barney: I do not know what it is, this shrew. Okay, she has boobs, but... In fact, I see.
Lily: That's because he met her in high school. This is his first girlfriend.
Marshall: For us, Karen is an idiot. For him, this is the first to have touched his penis in hand himself, his mother and pediatrician.
Robin: It's almost 2am. I must work.
Lily: How can they call it a "daily"? 4h, it's still the middle of the night. You impressed me.
Robin: It's been almost a month. I'm used to. And then the show is not bad, right?
Marshall: That is clear.
Barney: I've never seen.
Robin: You've ever watched?
Marshall: Sure!
Barney: I've never seen.
Robin: Your favorite item?
Marshall: Weather.
Barney: I've never seen.
Robin: Have you ever looked.
Marshall: Sorry.
Barney: I just said.
Robin: I know, this is basic and bland, and it is smaller audiences than the Korean channel that does that Kim Jong Il by the horse. But, friends, it would touch me to know that at least once you look.
Marshall: You know what? This Friday, everyone will come home at 3:30. We leave the pajamas and watch his show.
Robin: You're the best.
Lily: We want to encourage you.
Friday, 3:30, Marshall, Lily and Barney are in the lounge.
Lily: I just want to sleep!
Marshall: I hate Robin not to have done better.
Ted arrives.
Ted: Hi, guys. Bad news: I was Karen plated. Go ahead.
Marshall: I knew you were listening!
GENERIC
Barney: We should not celebrate. Ted has just been dumped.Tell us everything, everything that happened. Seriously, do not forget any details. She said what? You, you said what? How you going? If you had to redo it from start, perhaps you...?
Lily: How did that happen?
Ted: This is totally stupid. We were together, you know, we laughed...
Flashback
Ted and Karen are sitting on the bed and pillows are a battle.
Ted: It's you who love the Chianti 2002.
Karen: No, it's you who love the Chianti 2002. Expect. What is this?
Ted: Looks like the earring Robin. Bizarre. It's you...
Karen: What's she doing here?
Ted: I know.
Karen: Have you slept with Robin?
Ted: What? Of course not! She had to be found in the laundry.
Karen: Why I believe you?
Ted: Maybe because I've always been faithful, when thou hast deceived me 6 times, bitch.
End flashback
Marshall: In your face!
Ted: Right? I too would have said that.
Flashback
Karen: Why I believe you?
Ted: Maybe because I've always been faithful, while you... I love you...
Karen: I knew it was a mistake. It's good. It's over.
End flashback
Ted: That's it. She's gone.
Barney: What a story. What courage to share it with us.
Lily: Wait. That's your pajamas? You sleep in pajamas suit?
Barney: Of course. You think I'm sleeping in it?
Ted: A coffin.
Marshall: It's not look comfortable at all. You wear a tie.
Barney: First, it's a tie night. Second, it's not for comfort. This class is to be at any time.
Marshall: Why have the class at any time?
Barney: Let me tell you a story that happened to me recently.
Flashback
Barney is sleeping in his bed. He gets up and opens the door.
Woman 1: It is a contest of "who is the hottest," and it was stained with massage oil.
Woman 2: Super pajamas.
Woman 1: You can use your shower?
End flashback
Ted: It's not an anecdote, it's a p*rn.
Lily: This is not "a" skin flick, it's the scene... Forget it.
Barney: But it could happen. If it happened and I was in top form for these oiled bitches, I would regret it.
Marshall: Sorry, dude, but it is the nightwear most ridiculous I've seen in my life. Finally...
Barney: Marshall wearing a nightgown! He wears a nightgown! You know when they say, "Remember, he was wearing a nightgown? "It is now! This is a nightgown. Call it, "Held danger of Ninja," if you want. You stay still a tr*nsv*stite.
Marshall: I do not care. It's comfortable.
Barney: Nice to fly to Neverland with Peter Pan? Me, again! It was nice to get out of bed to accompany Charlie to the chocolate? Oh, me, me! Something about Scrooge! Come on, guys. I do all the work.
Ted: I know. I live with Marshall for 12 years. Every time I put something, it's a victory.
Ted folds his clothes in the room.
Lily: Ted, it will start!
Ted: I arrive.
Ted is an earring on Robin bedroom dresser.
The show starts Robin.
Robin: Hello, New York. I'm Robin...
Ted mutes.
Ted: Marshall, I found an earring Robin on your dresser. You know why the other was in my bed?
Marshall: What are you talking?
Ted: You hate Karen. You told me to break it. It's you. Did you put the loop in my bed for Karen to find.
Marshall: I would never...
Ted: Admit it!
Marshall: There's nothing to admit!
Ted: Why was it on your dresser?
Barney: It is pretty!
Ted: I swear, if you tell me the truth on the field...
Lily: Wait! Marshall did nothing. It's me. I made you break.
Ted: You made me break with Karen? Are you sick? What right did you do that?
Lily: I did it for your own good. You do not see how it was horrible. She failed the test of the porch.
Ted: What is this test?
Lily: You, Me and Marshall are friends since college. Imagine how they account for one another. So when I look to the future, I see us all together. (Lily imagines the scene) When will retirees, sipping tea on the porch of our house, playing bridge all day.
Marshall, Lily and Ted are on the porch of a house and play cards.
Lily, old: Bridges are wild. A bridge of four beats a royal bridge.
Ted, old: I see your bridges and I raise of 3 bridges.
Marshall, old: Bridge! I won!
Barney: You know not to play bridge, eh?
Lily: It will take over.
Marshall: It's important to stay active.
Lily: So whenever you go out with someone for a while, I take the test of the porch. How that person will fit over the years?And when I think of Karen...
Marshall, old: Bridge! I won!
Karen, old: Fantastic. Yet the bridge. Especially, not reading.
Ted, old: Look, darling... dolphins.
Karen, old: They seem happy. Apparently, the chemical releases of this property have not yet elitist rotten their vents. It will happen. This water will k*ll you. A real trap toxic.
Lily, old: I'm going swimming.
Marshall, old: I'm coming with you.
Lily: Karen has failed the test of the porch. She had to leave.
Ted: I can not believe you did that.
Lily: Do you like is great, you, me and Marshall. Really, think about it.
Ted: It's pretty awesome.
Lily: It is really great! So for that you will marry, one that will join the Team Géniale, the bar is very high. I say that I did well, but...
Marshall: You're better off without her.
Barney: If the angel Clarence says it's true, it should be.
Marshall: You know what? Go ahead, laugh.
Barney: Why are you wearing this stuff?
Marshall: Several reasons.
Barney: You can not even give five.
Marshall: A: You can not wear anything underneath.
Ted: I confirm. You can cross your legs?
Marshall: Two: It's sexy.
Lily: I confirm. You can uncross your legs?
Marshall: Three: My grandfather was Olaf and he died at 107 years. Four: No elastic waistband leaving its mark around my Thanksgiving belly. And five: each night as I sleep, it's the most wonderful and free feeling in the world. I feel... as if I was flying. That's how I'm going to bed at night: happy, light. With a heart full of joy. And you?
Barney: I have to stand still to avoid offending my pajama suit.But at least I do not wear a dress.
Lily: So you're really angry?
Ted: I know. I mean, I guess if you get all this for Karen, then it may be better.
Lily: I'm really sorry. I hated to do it again, but Karen had to leave.
Ted: "Redo"? How many times you made me break with my girlfriends?
Lily: Never! Six.
Ted: Like who?
Lily: No one! Angie. In the second year. She used you to get revenge on her ex, and you will not see it, so...
Flashback
A woman sleeps.
Lily:... one day she was taking a nap...
Lily-between opens the door and on the CD is a convenient but then wants to see someone come out, she goes and hides in the closet. Ted's turn to the room and discovered the CD.
Ted: Creed? Oh, my God, I have to break up with her.
He leaves and Lily out of the closet.
End flashback
Marshall: That's where is my CD of Creed.
Ted: Who else?
Lily: Do you remember this strange girl who wanted you to marry him after two months? You loved him in trouble, but you thought there anyway, so...
Flashback
Ted is in a queue in disguise. A person, also disguised, comes to see.
Woman: Look, Ted, you're great, and it is very difficult, but I think it does not look the same. So, long life and prosperity. Or something else.
End flashback
Ted: That was you? It's crazy!
Lily: Ted, I did it to help you. You're addicted to the commitment. You fell in love with these women, even if they do not deserve you.
Ted: And if one of them was to be the mother of my children?
Lily: If there was any chance, I swear, I would have done anything. As Victoria or Stella.
Ted: Or Robin. Or Robin. You made us break too? You made us break too?
Lily: Stop talking to me as if I were your enemy! You know these women cry, but you have the luxury of not knowing what I know: you have these breaks tragic surely avoided a first marriage crap and very expensive.
Ted: You have made us break up?
Lily: You do not want the truth, because deep down, you want me to watch over you. And basically, you know that none of these women would have been the mother of your children.
Ted: You have made us break up?
Lily: I did what I had to do.
Ted: You have made us break up?
Lily: Just as I did!
Barney by nightdress: Your grandfather was a wise Olaf.
Ted: You made me break with Robin?
Lily: No, it's not...
Ted: I can not believe it. I need another drink.
Barney: I feel a little breeze there. It's nice.
Marshall: You think that's good? Come to the mouth of heating.It's like your bazaar was on a tropical island.
Barney: The Little Barney says "Mahalo."
Ted: Seriously, just what is your problem? How could you do that?
Lily: I did it because I care about you!
Robin, entering: Too glad you watched that one!
Barney: My God, what has happened?
Robin: You have not seen the show?
Barney: The show! Sorry. It happened something?
Robin: The routine.
Ted: Lily has just told us it made us break.
Robin: What? We do break? What does that mean? And why they wear a night gown?
Marshall: A shirt.
Barney: It's called a shirt.
Ted: It turns out that Lily has decided to sabotage many of my relationships, including ours.
Lily: Robin was different. I did not mean that you break, but you wanted different things and you refused to settle it. I could imagine the porch.
Ted, old: 2 of heart. As the heart of two children that I have ever had, because my lovely wife hates children.
Robin, old: Equality. As my career that fell when I decided to settle down and marry Ted. Bridge! I won.
End flashback
Marshall: I do not like this scenario.
Lily: I was just trying to make you talk about your problems. I did not know it would lead to your break.
Flashback
In April 2007, Ted and Lily are in the kitchen.
Lily: I have a funny joke. Where you see yourself in five years?(Later that night, Lily is with Robin at McClaren's) You know what's funny? Funny questions. Where you see yourself in five years?
The next night, Ted and Robin are in the restaurant.
Ted: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Robin: And you?
Lily: Not that I want to make you say, but surely you want to get married.
Ted: I would probably get married.
Lily: You would surely be in Tokyo or Paris.
Robin: I would surely be in Argentina.
Ted: In Argentina?
Robin: Or Tokyo, or Paris.
Ted: We have a deadline, does not it?
End flashback
Robin: My God.
Ted: You can not manipulate people like that! I've known you for 12 years, but I've never been back!
Lily: I was not...
Ted: I want to hear!
Barney: Calm down! Let us be calm! I have a question. This is how when you're in bed?
Marshall: Come, let's check.
Robin: So, without you we would come out still together?
Lily: Or you'd been together too long, and would have had an incredibly bitter break without even remain friends, and we would never become best friends.
Robin: Do not say that.
Ted: Stop cuddling! You got no right to interfere in my relationships you. You're lucky. You have found the love of your life in a dorm you turn 18. It gives you no right to play God while others are still looking for. You worry so much about who will finish with you on the porch. You know what? Keep it for you.
Lily: It is what happened to your jacket?
Robin: Soot, breadcrumbs, placenta. You have not even registered?
Barney and Marshall are installed in the same bed.
Barney: You're at home, every night, and Lily layer always with you?
Marshall: Yeah, marriage, man, unconditional love. You can wear what you want and you get laid.
Barney: Tell me about marriage.
Marshall: Sometimes when you're married, the smell of breakfast wakes you ready.
Barney: The coffee too?
Marshall: The cafe also. Sometimes she even puts a vase of fresh flowers.
Barney: I love flowers. And sometimes when you're afraid of making wrong choices and you're not the one you wanted to be, what it does?
Marshall: It says you're great and everything will be fine.
Barney: It's beautiful. And it helps you to find other girls to sleep with?
Marshall: I guess. If you have agreed, perhaps. The guy had a hard day. We'll talk tomorrow. Good night, champ.
Ted (2030): The next night, I always wanted your aunt Lily.Until...
Ted arrives at the bar.
Karen: What are you doing... (She kisses him before he finished his sentence) Lily rose and explained everything to me. And she gave me this for you.
Ted reads the word that Lily wrote him.
Lily: Ted, I'm sorry. No matter who you marry. I know it will be great because she will think you are. To prove my sincerity, I have prepared a surprise for you and Karen at the top. Kisses, Lily.
Marshall: PS: Sorry that the envelope is opened. I read what she wrote. Marshall.
Karen: Sabotaging our relationship? I must admit that even setting the bar really low for judging friends, Lily really outdid themselves. Clearly, we can not see her again. I know. It's hard, huh?
Ted thinks the porch with Karen.
Karen, old: Do you remember your college roommate? He was married to this girl's voice rattle.
Ted, old: It's been so long.
Karen, old: My God, I hated him. Finally, here is his obituary.
Ted was at the apartment and talk to Robin.
Ted: I realized that no matter what my friends think of my girlfriend, but it really matters what my girlfriend thinks of my friends.
Robin: So, it's over?
Ted: Yes. If you wanna be my guest, Lily is a sacred stove.
Robin: beef pie, macaroni and cheese, butter cookie house.
Ted: Normal Marshall dies at age 68.
Robin: Thank you.
Ted (2030): And with Robin, we're treated to a gourmet dinner.For her breakfast. And we ended up doing exactly what Lily wanted us to do: talk about our relationship.
Robin: Basically, Lily made us break.
Ted: It makes you wonder.
Robin: If it had not been there, we always go out together?
Ted: Maybe. She was right. We were not ready. We needed to move forward, we do our stuff. It is always the case.
Robin: We should make a pact. If the years pass and only 40 years old, one is always alone...
Ted: Will you be my wife back?
Robin: A girl dreams of hearing those words. A million times, yes!
They hug.
Ted: Okay, that's it. Do we must etablire rules?
Robin: Genre?
Ted: I know. As not to become huge, that sort of thing.
Robin: Just one thing: no nightgown.
Ted: I'll never wear.
Barney gets up and opens the door.
Woman: Too bad.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x17 - The Front Porch"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): In spring 2009, I was hired to design a new headquarters for Goliath National Bank. And I hasten to add up to the plans of architect my paw.
Ted is in the apartment, on his desk, drawing.
Ted: Wooden beams immersed in natural light from the atrium.They will love it!
Ted (2030): There was a problem and his name was Bilson.
Ted presents his project.
Bilson: Wood? Natural light? Oh, no! It reminds employees that there is an outside world where they have family and friends. We want to crush it! You arrive in the dark, you come home in the dark. You spend your whole damn day in the dark!
Marshall: I need to hear Lily.
Marshall rises.
Bilson: Who told you to leave?
Then sits down.
Ted (2030): Bilson k*lled every one of my original ideas. Then one day the GNB has withdrawn from the project to create a new working group to oversee my plans. Everything changed at once.
Ted: On the roof, a Zen garden to pray silently. In the lobby, a fountain where local kids can make wishes. The new GNB, your workplace and your home. Thank you, and.. welcome home.
Ted (2030): Everything was fine until one day in the elevator.
Ted takes the elevator when a woman is already there.
Ted: Yeah, it's Ted. No, no. I have not approved the change in plans for the new GNB headquarters, which I am the chief architect, just 30 years. Yes, I'm single and I give to charity.What is the relationship? Okay, bye, Mr. Mayor. You know it was bogus?
Woman: Yes, and I also know that the draft of the new headquarters was abandoned last month. Nice try.
The woman came out of the elevator.
GENERIC
Lily, Marshall, Barney and Robin are in McClaren's.
Barney: Look at Scarlett Johansson at the Oscars. If I could get a celebrity, it would be Scarlett Johansson. Canon, talented and you do not turn as Woody Allen's father without issue.
Marshall: If I got a celebrity, it would be Lily. This is the star of my heart.
Lily: For me it would be Hugh Jackman.
Robin: You know, the celebrities, they like really weird sex stuff. Believe me.
Barney: How do you know that?
Robin: It's embarrassing, but I... I came home one evening with a celebrity.
Lily: My God! Seriously?
Robin: He wanted to do weird things with me, so I left. That's it.End of story.
Lily: No, not the end of history. I need to know who, what, when and where. Balance!
Marshall: Please, calm down. You swallow too much air.
Barney: But before you poursuives, I'm flattered, but technically I'm not a celebrity. Also, one last time, the mask, it was a joke.
Robin: Not you, Barney.
Lily: Who's who?
Marshall: Now you've spun him hiccups.
Robin: I'll tell you anything specific. But all I will say is that he is Canadian, but you know it. And he brought home by offering to show me a single collection.
Marshall: What do you mean "collection"?
Robin: As you collect stamps or coins. But I say nothing.
Barney: Tell us at least the weird thing he wanted to do.
Robin: I know not what you call it, but we have a name for it in Canada. Listen, I've already said too much.
Lily: So the mystery celebrity who collects something mysterious asked you to do a mystery Canadian sex act.
Robin: Yes.
Lily: Tell us.
Robin: I'll tell you. But only if you correctly guess the three parties.
Marshall: It is simply impossible.
Robin: Right.
Lily: I do not even know of Canadian sex act.
Barney: You have the Sled Dog, the Lobster Trap, the Mounted Police.
Lily: How do you know that?
Barney: Canadiansexact.org, this is a favorite.
Marshall: Point org?
Barney: Yeah. It's nonprofit. They just want to disseminate information.
Ted joined them.
Ted: I just had a conversation strange. A woman at the GNB told me that the new tower was abandoned last month. It's crazy, right? What is this look?
Barney: It is said? It should.
Marshall: No. I want to.
Barney: There's been no light.
Ted: What's going on?
Marshall: It's time you know. A few weeks ago, Bilson called us.
Flashback
A few weeks earlier, Barney and Marshall are in the office of Bilson.
Bilson: We abandon the project for the new headquarters. This recession is k*lling us. It cancels all the superfluous. And I have difficult choices to make during my semi retirement in St. Croix.
Marshall: Dude, Ted will be devastated.
Bilson: Not if he learns his best friend.
Marshall and Barney: I have to say?
Marshall and Barney are at the bar.
Marshall: Tell him, you're his best friend.
Barney: No, it's you.
Marshall: No, it's really you. Shhh, it happens.
Barney: White or Asian? You see, I hardly know him.
Ted: How are you?
Marshall: You okay?
Ted: I'm frustrated. The least innovative thing in my drawings, Bilson cuts with a machete. I hate to depend on what kind of guy.
Barney: You should leave the project.
Marshall: It is clear, leave him. It is unworthy of you.
Barney: It's decided. A new beginning! May the winds be with you...
Ted: Are you kidding? They still come to turn a guy in my box.Bilson, is heavy, it is clear, but without this project, I have more work.
Barney: It's funny you mention the project. Because...
Marshall: You're super good. Keep it up, man. Your hair, your teeth are beautiful now. You shine like a diamond!
Ted: Thank you. I needed it. Well, I go back to work. I must insert a plank in the dark hallway of Bilson. You have understood me.
Ted from leaving Barn, ey and Marshall alone.
Barney: What was that?
Marshall: I have an idea. The next two months Ted has paid anyway. We could not let it continue and not to tell her? He had a tough year. Let the fun a little.
Barney: You suggest a complicated lie in the long term that implies a lot of discipline. A guy like you will not succeed.
Marshall: But if I can.
Barney: Lie to me, there.
Marshall: I have a spaceship.
Barney: What kind of fuel?
Marshall: I have no spaceship.
Barney: But no! Defend yourself! If someone asks, diverts it from the original lie with other lies. I show you. I have a pony.Question me.
Marshall: It is what color?
Barney: When I was Dandelion, her complexion was of a deep hazel, unfortunately, his barn is located near a chemical plant, which contaminated water. Over time, it became a dull gray and the vet can not do anything to help.
Marshall: My God! It's horrible. Dandelion will make it? Okay...You're strong! Dandelion is not sick, huh?
End flashback
Ted: So the tour is canceled and you really have lied to me.
Marshall: We did it to protect you.
Ted: I think so. My two best friends have planted and I saw nothing.
Lily: In Canada, it's called a snow plow Vicious.
Ted: This tower was the dream job and it went up in smoke.
Marshall: Sorry, Ted.
Ted: I need a drink.
Lily: The poor. It's moved if I return to Canada on sex?
Marshall: Not at all.
Barney: You've been slow.
Lily: What is a Zamboni with 2 hands?
Robin: Well, the only thing that carries the woman is skates with his hands.
Lily: Pack milk Manitoba?
Robin: It's like the Moustache of Chicago, but the person below wearing a combi.
Lily: A Lobster Trap of Newfoundland?
Robin: I dunno, I want to know. These people are crazy.
Lily: Well, I decided my first proposal.
Robin: Okay, but I say only if you find the person, the act and the collection.
Lily: Well, I'm starting. Bryan Adams. He collects baseball cards and he wanted to make you... an oily Kayak.
Robin: No.
Barney: Wayne Gretzky, former Hot Wheels, an Eskimo kneeling.
Robin: No.
Marshall: Kiefer Sutherland, souvenir glasses, tights and a Pancake.
Robin: No. I would have accepted it.
Ted: Wait. If they canceled the project a month ago, why did I go every week to see the new working group?
Barney: Of course, you could not see you point and Bilson.
Marshall: So we... invented the working group. It was enough just to gather a team.
Flashback
Marshall: You see Roy Waterman, Vice President of Venture Capital? It's actually... Roy maintenance. (In the hallway...) I'm sorry, Roy. How would you like to make you some money?
Roy: How far I have DESAPER?
Marshall: Louisa Mendoza, Vice President at Capital exécutie, It's actually... Louisa from the cafeteria. (In the canteen...) Louisa, I need your help, but forbidden to speak.
Louisa: I speak English.
Marshall: Exactly. This is an important secret. How do you say "secret" in Spanish?
Louisa: Pellets?
Marshall: Okay. Albondigas. This will be our little albondigas. I have balls, please? Arthur and Nasmith, the eccentric genius, investment guru, it's actually... Arty the cracked one-man band of 15th Street. (In the street...) Excuse me. One can argue?
Arty: Actually, my assistant, Reginald took my appointments.
A squirrel is on the sidewalk.
Marshall: It was completed with the group of trainees and paid $ 50 for them to look enthusiastic when you talked...
Arty: Reginald, next week, get me out of here.
End flashback
Ted: That was one of the most inspired designs of my career. I was so excited.
Lily: Alex Trebek, a Guardian Eventé, teddy bear!
Robin: No.
Lily: Damn!
Ted: Wait. It explains what happened to Louisa.
Flashback
Ted has finished presenting his project.
Marshall: Good job.
Barney: All right!
Ted: Louisa. What can we do about it? Do not like you not understand. You feel the same. After all!
Ted kisses her.
Louisa: No, I can not. I am engaged to Mr. Barney. We do not care. We live once!
She kisses him in turn.
Ted: No, it's not good! Damn, you're in the working group!
End flashback
Ted: Is there anything else you want to tell me?
Marshall: When you played third base for the softball team GNB.
Barney: There is no softball team. We just rented a field, a bunch of guys together so they make you a hero.
Ted: My lap of honor was bogus?
Marshall: Sorry, we knew you'd be unemployed soon. We wanted you to feel good. Friends do that.
Ted: Lying?
Marshall: Sometimes, yes, to protect them.
Ted: False! Never lie to his friends. I should never have lied.
Barney: Really? And this open mic night at the Comedy Club?
Flashback
Marshall is on stage, microphone in hand.
Marshall: You're like me, people? Have you ever considered the amount of fish species? And... the name of these fish?Here are a few. "Trout. "Right? "Sturgeon. "I think so buddy."Salmon. "I'll say it again... Salmon. Who thought it was a good idea? "Bar. "This guy is what I mean. "Halibut. "Thank you, good evening. How do I?
Ted: Super. Very funny.
Barney: Fatal... Thursday evening for everyone.
End flashback
Marshall: Timeout. You do not like fish?
Ted: It was horrible! You've just read a list of fish.
Marshall: Whatever... This proves my point. You lied to me to protect me.
Ted: It has nothing to do! I lost one month of my life to work on a d*ad project. I could have spent that time to find new contracts. Instead, I'll go tomorrow morning and probably get fired. Best Screenplay, my boss yelling at me going in front of everyone.
Ted part.
Robin: For me, it's called a...
Lily: A Totem of Saskatoon. It's here.
Marshall and Barney enters Ted's apartment.
Ted: Hello, lying bastards. No lies before I go to work to get fired?
Barney: Nice shirt.
Ted: You're the devil.
Marshall: What if we told you that you found another project to GNB, where you have to redo part of the 20th floor.
Ted: If it's a lie, it's really bad. And I will do what?
Ted, Barney and Marshall are the GNB, in a room.
Barney: This is the P.T.E. 18th floor. Basically, Bilson wants a piece like that, two floors above us.
Ted: Wait, what is a P.T.E.?
Barney: Room for Transitional Employees.
Ted: What does that mean?
Barney: It's a place where a manager and an employee initiate a transfer of knowledge about an impending career change.
Marshall: It turns people here.
Ted: It's horrible. Why have a special room to turn people?
Marshall: GNB think we need a safe place to meet new.
Barney: It's serious there.
Flashback
Barney is in P.T.E. with a man. The man throws himself on Barney. Then a woman does the same. Another man in the room with Barney and out, pressing his hand, then grabs a chair and breaks it on Barney. Another time, he emerged from under the table with a woman, they sit at the table and she att*cks him.
End flashback
Ted (2030): Reluctantly, I agreed to design a room where people turn. But I was determined to put my key.
Ted presents his project.
Ted: Leaving space dismissal, you get into what I call "the Renaissance Corridor Quiet." Here, an oval room of rest with psychological support. Right there, after the fountain of the New Departure. And here it is. Instead of a sad and gloomy cell, a protective womb... giving birth to a new life.
Bilson: I love.
Barney: Really?
Bilson: Good job, Ted.
Ted: Thank you.
Bilson: You can add these keys to the PTE the 18th floor?
Ted: Absolutely.
Bilson: Awesome. 'll See about that.
Bilson followed Ted will see the room from the 18th floor.
Ted: OK, I think this wall...
Bilson: You're fired!
Ted: What?
Bilson: I wanted this piece! This same room, two floors up!
Ted: But...
Bilson: You're fired! Away from here. (His phone rings and Ted lot) Hi, honey.
Ted comes back in the room and takes a chair that breaks on Bilson, who is on the phone.
Back at the bar...
Lily: Anyone of Rush, a Meat Pie from Montreal and a lunchbox superhero.
Robin: No.
Lily: Rick Moranis, the Reverse Rich Moranis, of Jewish antiquities. I give up. It's been three days that I seek. I stop. If that means I could ever be.
Robin: Well.
Lily: Tell us about it!
Robin: You really want to know?
Marshall, Lily and Barney: Yes!
Robin: But this info does not leave the table.
Lily: My God. I am so excited. (Robin passes him a paper) I will read.
Barney: Read it.
Marshall: Read it.
Lily: I will read it. Let's go. "The Frozen Snowshoe," "Old King Clancy", "The Plateaux of Harvey."
Robin: So?
Lily: I do not understand any of these words.
Barney: One of them is supposed to be famous?
Marshall: Who the hell... The Old King Clancy is?
Robin: This is not the person is the sexual act. It's like the Sacramento Turtleneck, but with maple syrup.
Marshall: And fame, this is Harvey Léplateaux?
Robin: No, it's the collection. Harvey trays. These orange trays they give you when you eat at Harvey. Restaurants? Will you take a trip on the Trans-Canada Highway, you have a hollow between Milverton and Wawa, where you stop eating, eh? At Harvey. More than 12,000 customers!
Lily: So fame was...
Robin: The Frozen Snowshoe. Oh, my God! You know Racket jelly? This is the most famous pro wrestler of Canada. I met him after his victory over Rick "The Daredevil" at the Rogers Memorial Arena in Kamloops in 2002. A classic.
Lily: So you say you Racket Jelly invited him home to show you trays of Harvey, and you've asked him to do an Old King Clancy?
Robin: Right. And I'm serious, do not tell anyone.
Lily: My hiccups are gone. Perhaps forever.
Barney: You again. You even found a way to spoil it. Why?Why let yourself do we as a country?
Ted joined them.
Marshall: Hey, Mister Whisper. You should not be up there to draw your super PTE?
Ted: I'm more about the project.
Marshall: What?
Ted: Bilson fired me.
Marshall: You're kidding.
Lily: What does that mean for your company? You're going to be fired?
Ted: Actually, I just resign.
Marshall: Why?
Ted: I can not work for large corporations with no heart. In selling me your "working group", I was the most inspired work of my career. In fact, you reminded me how my job could be fun when I'm not dealing with Bilson, so... I resigned.
Barney: They've turned, eh?
Ted: Yes, sir. But I have good benefits and I have made a great decision. I'll start my own box.
Lily: It's exciting.
Barney: With this economy?
Marshall: So, do we want it?
Ted: Ultimately, I am grateful.
Barney: What was it with Bilson?
Ted: After he proposed a career change, I made an impromptu presentation with a four-step approach that put him in the knee.
Barney: You've h*t with a chair?
Ted: Yeah.
Barney: Well done.
British Columbia 2002, shows a man Robin trays.
Man: That one, I got to the restaurant between Milverton and Wawa.
Robin: It's very impressive, The Frozen Snowshoe.
Man: We're friends. Call me "racket". Sit down.
Robin: So... Snowshoeing Would you like me... Old King Clancy one?
Snowshoeing: You should go.
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x18 - Old King Clancy"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Barney goes to the apartment where Marshall, Robin and Ted are already.
Barney: You believe not what happened last night laser tag.
Ted: People freaked out because of a calibrated in suits who bothered their children?
Barney: Yeah, almost.
Flashback
Barney played laser tag with children. It takes a little girl in her arms and hides behind a phony.
Barney: Go! You want that!
Girl: My shoulder!
Barney: Come on.
Pattern: Stinson, in my office! Now!
Barney: Shit.
Barney is in the boss's office of laser tag.
Pattern: Foul Play, three stampedes, and now this! Stinson, you are a ball!
Barney: I know, I'm not your precious rules, McCracken, but, damn, the results are there!
McCracken: Listen, you're a good player laser tag. Perhaps the best I've seen. But someday, you will hurt someone.Maybe even you.
Barney: You forget what it's there. Your fat ass is stuck here for too long.
McCracken is Enough You are banned, Stinson! Make your g*n and your badge!
Barney: My pleasure. Do not do that. This game is all I have.And I nearly enough tickets for the remote controlled helicopter. Pity.
McCracken: I can not believe I do that. But I'll leave you one last chance. But be aware, if you exceed the limits of a toe, you play the duck sh**ting in your mother's so fast it will make you dizzy. Get out!
Barney: You regret it.
30 seconds later, Barney has his foot on a guy and sh**t him.
McCracken: It's over, Stinson. You are banned for life!
End flashback
GENERIC
Marshall: I can not believe you're kicked out of laser tag. Are you gonna do?
Barney: What shall I do? I'll tell you that Ted and I will do. We will introduce and apply the PQ everywhere.
Ted: Barney, you're too old to put toilet paper because you can play laser tag more. And by the way, too old for laser tag.
Barney: Ted, laser tag has no age limit. As the striptease in the West Midlle.
Ted: Yeah, whatever. I added laser tag to the list of Murtaugh.
Barney: No list of Murtaugh.
Robin: What is the Murtaugh list?
Ted (2030): The Murtaugh list was created around my 30th birthday. It all started with the beer funnel your uncle.
Flashback
Ted and Marshall are at a party.
Marshall:... two, one, chug!
Ted (2030): In our 20 years, with each party, this funnel came out. And to our 30 years, none. Of course, at age 20, the day looked like this. (Marshall and Ted fight) But to our 30 years, the day looked like this. (Ted is sitting on the couch, the trash next to him) Then one day, in the suffering of the worst hangover of my life, I realized that one person in the world understood me: Detective Roger Murtaugh, played by Danny Glover in the masterpiece 1987: Lethal w*apon, known for his often repeated motto:
Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this...
Ted (2030): Stuff. He said, "I'm too old for this stuff. "
End flashback
Ted: It's hard to admit, but with age, we can do certain things.This is why I have this list, not to make the mistake of thinking that I can still make a sleepless night.
Marshall: I'm too old for this stuff.
Ted: Or eat a whole pizza in one sitting.
Marshall: I'm too old for this stuff.
Ted: Or put posters on the wall without a frame.
Marshall: "Riggs. "I'm too old for this stuff. In fact, it's Lethal w*apon?
Robin: I know. It looks pumped. An old cop associated with a young and rebellious. It reminds you of anything? Mackleroy and LaFleur. Do not tell me you have never seen Mackleroy and LaFleur. This is the best action movie of all time Canadian. Mackleroy is a young Mountie whose horse is k*lled by evil Americans, and LaFleur, his old partner grumpy and Afro-Canadian, just buy a nice fishing shack in northern Alberta...
Marshall: I gotta go.
Lily: Hi, baby. Good workout.
Robin: What? It's still one-man band? Because it was crap.
Marshall is in a gym with children.
Ted (2030): In fact, Marshall was to coach the basketball team's class Lily. He thought it was funny, but Lily was dizzy: training father.
Lily arrives with a basket.
Marshall: My God! Orange wedges. That's nice. What are you doing here?
Lily: I could not resist. I wanted to see Marshmallow coach at work.
Marshall: The children, who wants to stop earlier and eat orange slices?
All: Yeah!
Marshall: Yeah? No way! Oranges, it's for the winners, and you little shits, you have not yet put one basket! Shame on you, shame on you Miss Aldrin, and worse, necks make me ashamed! Enough! su1c1de, on the line! And make it snappy!Here we go.
At the apartment...
Barney: There's nothing on this list for which you're too old. In fact, if you did everything on the Murtaugh list, I would call it a nice weekend.
Ted: Barney, you have more 18 years. If you did the whole list, you would die. It was not a challenge.
Barney: Challenge accepted. The next 24 hours, I will do everything on the list. And after that, you go to the PQ laser tag with me.
Ted: And if you fail?
Barney: I'll spend three hours listening to you talk about architecture.
Ted: It works for me. Robin, you do the honors?
Robin: An agreement of honor!
Barney: Come on guys, you do it!
Robin: Are you sure you want to do that? You know how it is.
Ted: There's some pretty hefty on the list. Finally, do you really think Barney is going to get ear pierced?
Barney: "To pierce the ear. "Done. Well, I go to a laundry at my mother. (Barney hand, then returned several hours later) Do you mind if I use your futon?
Robin: There is no futon.
Barney: Put it there, guys.
Robin: What's the matter?
Barney: It's on the list. "Landing on the futon with a friend rather than going to the hotel. "
Robin: I'm too old for this stuff.
Ted: You got anything in your ear? It looks like the inside of a pumpkin after Halloween.
Barney: What, this? Just a quick foul '. Just a kid like me has to worry about. Then, "pushing a medical" on the list. (His phone rings) Hold on. Bar here...
A basketball practice in Marshall...
Marshall: It is not stop! You know, it's funny, I came to teach them... Do not stop running! All this time, it is they who have taught me things. (He throws the basketball on a kid) you not being there! You fall!
Ted (2030): The next morning, Barney woke up on the futon in the living room.
Barney: Done. (Barney is McClaren's) "Drinking sh*ts with strangers. "Done.
Ted: OK, Barney? You seem to have a bad back.
Barney: No, it's just the raver's hump. I like it. It brings me closer to my glass. A youth! (He can not drink his glass) You should have a straw?
Robin: There's a side admirable in its way to remain young.Who wants to be old?
Ted: This guy. Life is a meal and old age, the dessert. I get so many worries about the future. Where will my career? Who will I marry? When you're old, you do not worry, because all this has happened before. You got pumps and a comfortable seat for the stairs. That's perfect.
Robin: It's not perfect, it's pathetic. You can not skip to the end.The best thing is the journey.
Ted: I thought that, too, you'll understand when you grow older.
Lily is always with Marshall at basketball practice.
Lily: Marshall, you can avoid the att*ck today?
Marshall: I will not att*ck, Lily. I att*ck this pervasive culture of failure. I have to toughen them if you want to win the match tomorrow.
Lily: Winning? There are no points.
Marshall: What?
Lily: There are no points.
Marshall: You not count... What interest not to do? How do you know... Lily, what were you doing with the team before I arrive?
Lily: I was training.
Flashback
Lily is sitting in the stands and plays guitar, while the kids play basketball.
Lily: That's my little angels. You are luminous beings of light.
Boy: What's the score?
Lily: Gender: joy joy!
End flashback
Lily: Because that's the point of playing, having fun.
Marshall: The point of playing is to win the trophy. And if you do not know who wins, wins the trophy?
Lily: Everyone. This is a participation trophy, everyone has one.
Marshall: Everything that's Chinese to me.
Barney at the bar with Robin and Ted.
Barney: Hi, this is Barney.
Robin: And Robin.
Barney: We can not answer because...
Robin: He watches football and I'm...
Barney: Part shopping. Leave a message, you are reminded...
Robin:... soon...
Barney:... we...
Robin and Barney:... can!
Barney: "Making an autoresponder message to two annoying."Done. It will probably cost me a few appointments, but it's okay.
Robin: Your ear begins to feel.
Barney: It's good.
Ted: I hate to refuse, but you told me that the turkey was extremely thin, and see for yourself.
Robin: Okay. It's good. You have your own list.
Ted: What?
Robin: A list of things that you are too young. Do all these things and tell me if you still want to be old.
Ted: Removes "colonoscopy" and "sleeping with an old", and is a cinch.
Barney: New bet, then. If you can finish your list before me, we will cover the laser PQ and you pay toilet paper.Biodegradable and not this crap. I want up there forever.
Ted: Well, if I finished first, it's six hours of study of American architecture from the early 20th, and you can not ever do something in the list of Murtaugh. This is for your own good.
Barney: Bet held.
Robin: An agreement of honor!
Back to basketball practice...
Lily: Marshall, they were in kindergarten. It teaches not basketball like that.
Marshall: Sure. I learned that way.
Lily: Are you kidding? What kind of sociopath told you like that?
Flashback
Marshall plays basketball, outside his home with his father.
Marshall: Come on, Dad. I'm tired.
Father: Sleep is for the winners. You go to bed when you get labeled.
Marshall: I'm trying.
Father: I give you two points for trying. But I take off two points because of your big head.
End flashback
Marshall: With my father, no mercy and I did not ask. I really need to call this guy. Continue stretching!
Ted is at his apartment.
Ted: "Put on reading glasses. "Done. "Yelled the boy from the neighborhood. "With pleasure. (Ted was about to leave when Robin and Barney come but this box) What happened to you?
Barney: I just had a little "screw up my knee and it hurts" incident.
Ted: How did you do?
Barney: It... "Helped to move the sixth floor walk against pizza and beer."
Robin: Or you helped steal the sixth floor. They were in a hurry and left the pictures.
Barney's counting anyway. Now I will go "Me dye flashy colors," and then we will go to "Go to a rave."
Ted: 16 pm! Supper time.
Marshall puts basketballs.
Lily: Your father was hard on you. It's ugly, but you do not have to be like him. You can learn from mistakes.
Marshall: Errors? Lily, result. The guy was successful. He taught me to be a winner. This is what I teach these kids. And besides, this is what I will do with our children.
Lily: OK, enough. This is not how we will raise our children!And that's not how you gonna lead this team! In tomorrow's game, if you're anything but a teddy bear with the cotton candy and rainbows, I foudroierai gaze so hard that you bruise! The times I've found your internet history, it was a mere side! Is that clear?
Marshall: There are different...
Lily: Is that clear?
Marshall: Yes, ma'am. What is ironic is that...
Lily Marshall launches a chair, he avoids.
Barney and Robin are at a rave.
Barney: Ted Calls. I want to go.
Robin: Okay. I call it. But it is 4:30 am. It will not be awakened.
Ted: Got up at 4am... Done.
Barney: It answers?
Robin: I have not called yet.
Barney: Hurry up, Robin.
At Ted, the phone rings.
Ted: Okay. "Take time to answer the phone. "
Barney: Come on, Ted. I was given aspirin and I do not think it was.
Ted: Done.
It's game day for Marshall and his team.
Marshall: I know I was a little hard on you, the last two days.And I apologize. Today, we will not think of victory. We'll go there and... have fun.
The referee and the children rush the field.
Ted (2030): Children, over time your Uncle Marshall rehashed the story this game hundreds of times. And in fact, children from the other team were older than one class. But harping on the story, they looked like that.
The opposing team is an adult.
Marshall: Let them score easily. Now you're sitting. Great.Addison is not football. Do not sh**t! Unless you find it funny, in this case, have fun though. It was not a foul, referee?
Referee: I'm no referee, but Kenny. And watch your tone.
Marshall: No tone, Kenny. Good job. Thank you very much.See you later.
Robin, Barney and Ted return to the apartment.
Robin: As a manager, I threw in the towel. This bet is over.Your ear looks like a Danish pastry in a French breakfast.
Barney: No, he remains a. "The beer funnel. "
Ted: It happens. I found these weird Russian beers, in the basement.
Robin: The Russian beer? I will take a bierofski. Bierofski. Got it?
Ted: Yes, it's... a little hot. I hope this is not a problem.
Barney: No, no. Okay. You won, I hate it. I hate it. My back is k*lling me. At the rave, I was mistaken for a cop. I have an earache so I can hear... I hear my own ear. Think about it. My clothes... What... Take that! I have redeemed you your best costume for twice its price. This is... $ 30. And throw the shoes. You won, Ted. I will not make anything of the Murtaugh list. I'm too old for this stuff.
Ted: You know, yesterday I went to bed at 20h because it was on the list and I could not sleep... because it was 20h. So I watched Lethal w*apon.
Flashback
Ted is on the couch and watch TV.
Ted: I still could not sleep, so I watched Lethal w*apon 2. And then 3. And in the middle of Lethal w*apon 4, I realized...
End flashback
Ted:... that Murtaugh kept repeating: "I'm too old for this stuff," but every time he says, he changes his mind, made another movie, and stuff. What I'm trying to say is that... the toilet, age.Will cover the PQ laser tag.
Barney: And then the hospital.
At the basketball game...
Marshall: Good job, guys. At least, there are no points, eh? No idea of the score. It could be 53-0. It could be something else.It's 53-0.
Boy: What are we doing wrong, coach?
Marshall: You do not do anything wrong. It's great that you lost, because in life, no matter the effort you make, or how much you try, people give you things. Since graduation, jobs, promotions. No matter what you do on the ground, as... As you're having fun.
Ted (2030): Because they did not want to argue in front of children, your uncle and your aunt Lily Marshall had a telepathic conversation.
Lily: Do not look at me like that.
Marshall: I take it anymore! Your coaching is crazy!
Lily: Stop yelling at me!
Marshall: I'm sorry. But is what I can do it my way?
Lily: OK, but I'll do it my way too. With the guitar.
Ted (2030): Was it the determination of Marshall, Lily of encouragement, or the magic combination of both, but in the second half, the disorganized group of little urchins... have actually made things worse. In fact, according to Uncle Marshall, in the second half, the other team had even grown.And one of them had changed into a werewolf.
Marshall: There is a werewolf on the ground! It can not be legit.
Lily: They look different, the children, but make sure they feel surrounded.
Marshall: It was not a market, right? You're k*lling me! You k*ll me outright!
Kenny: Attention, coach, or I put a technical foul.
Marshall: I beg you to put me in one.
Ted (2030): When the final whistle sounded charitably, the score was, according to the estimate of Marshall, 118 to nothing. And even if they did not win, everyone, including the coach, received a trophy for participation.
Lily: I understand that you like it not.
Marshall: I love it. I worked hard. It's nice to be appreciated at its true value.
Lily: I know, baby.
Marshall: Your way is perhaps not completely stupid.
Lily: Thank you. Yours is.
Ted, Barney and Robin meet the PQ laser tag.
McCracken: My great... you cause me problems since you joined this club. But damn... if this is not the best battle of PQ I've ever seen. You are returned... And right away.
Barney: Really?
McCracken: Good God, no! I call the police! Major cons with pink hair that dangle from the PQ. Are you kidding. I'm too old for this...
Ted (2030): Stuff. He said "Stuff".
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x19 - Murtaugh"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted, Barney and Marshall are at McClaren's and Lily joined them.
Barney: I heard a joke at work.
Ted: Come on. She will not like it. It's funny for the guys, not girls.
Barney: It's sexist! When it's funny, it's funny. Lily's cool. She'll love it.
Marshall: Do it yourself.
Lily: Tell it.
Barney: Ready? What is the difference between jam and Nutella? (Marshall laughs) It's funny.
Ted: For the guys.
Marshall: She will not like it.
Lily: Why do not I decide? What is the difference between jam and Nutella?
Ted (2030): Can Barney gave the fall. To date, it remains the most disgusting joke I have ever heard in my life. And no, I do not say.
Lily: Yeah, I can not hang out with you.
Lily leaves the bar.
Barney: Come on. It's funny. This is...
Ted: I told you so.
Barney: She'll be back.
Ted (2030): And we saw more Lily for 4 weeks.
GENERIC
Ted (2030): The children, after being fired, I finally realized my lifelong dream: to create my own architectural firm. I had just customers.
Ted checks the phone.
Robin, out of the room: I think it's great that you fly with your own wings. I admire that.
Ted: Thank you. And thank you for letting me use the apartment.
Robin: Yeah, sure. Anything you want.
Ted: A little thing, do you mind to cut off the TV during labor?
Robin: It's not work!
Ted: Sorry. It's just... I can not concentrate during the Wheel of Fortune... A penny saved is a penny, Helen!
Robin: I know you're nervous, but we must stop procrastinating. You've spent two days to choose the pen official Mosbius Designs.
Ted: I've suggested! I removed the felt. I make fun of that? The felt is back.
Barney comes to see that Marshall is in his office.
Barney: You know for layoffs?
Marshall: Yes, I know. I tag. Are you worried?
Barney: Are you kidding? I know one thing about this company. I will never be fired. It is likely that one day I was stranded on a beach with no footprints or teeth, but I will not f*re.
Marshall: I would like to have your insurance.
Barney: You just gotta find a way to make you absolutely critical.
Marshall: I work harder than anyone in my division.
Barney: Keep your job has nothing to do with being a hard worker. You need something.
Marshall: What do you mean something?
Barney: You know, something that makes you funny and loved, as Marcus Denisco.
Flashback
Barney is in a meeting.
Ted (2030): Marcus Denisco worked in accounting, and it was probably the worst employee of the box.
Marcus: I brought donuts. They are probably stupid.
Ted (2030): But ultimately, it was called...
All: Chow-man!
Marcus: Who wants pork barbecue? Of course you want!
End flashback
Marshall: I love Chow-man. They can not f*re him. You know what I like about Chow-man?
Barney: It's always food.
Marshall: It's always food.
Barney: You see? You need it. You need that thing that makes you a man.
Marshall: I have this thing that makes me a guy. Maybe even a guy and a half.
Barney: Not this stuff. You know, something. Toy-like man.
Flashback
Marshall and Barney are in the office filled with toys, one of their colleagues.
Toy-Man: Bad news. As HR, I must review the new overtime policy with you. The good news is that we will do with Wolverine's claws! (They start to play all three) Section 5A: doing overtime will no longer be paid double.
Marshall: That's great!
Barney: Claw tape!
End flashback
Marshall: I love Toy-man.
Barney: You see? You need something. Youtube-like man.
Flashback
Marshall and Barney watch a video in the office of another of their colleagues.
End flashback
Marshall: You're right. I need something.
Barney: But choose wisely. You want to become the horrible man Massage.
Flashback
Marshall and Barney are in the conference room.
Barney: You filled it. Grub-man has a panna cotta in his office.
Massage man, massaging the shoulders of Marshall: Hi, dude.
Marshall: Hi, Douglas.
Douglas: You're so tense.
Marshall: I was relaxed, two seconds ago.
Douglas, Barney: You're next.
End flashback
Robin returned to the apartment.
Man: Welcome to Mosbius Designs.
Robin: Who are you?
Man: PJ, the assistant of Mr. Mosby.
Robin: What's going on?
PJ: Sorry. You do not interrupt Mr. Mosby during his hours of reflection.
Ted, by phone at PJ interposed: Good, PJ. This is Robin. She lives here.
PJ: Sorry for the inconvenience, sir. You need something else?
Ted: I would not refuse a cup of coffee.
Robin: You're right next door!
Ted and Robin went down to the bar where Barney goes with them.
Robin: So now Ted is assisted to do nothing.
Ted: PJ is a great help. Install the desktop, create the Web site. And in return, I guide a young brilliant mind.
Robin: Yes, the guide.
Flashback
Ted is in the apartment with a man eats and Robin.
Ted: I want you to go out today and... put your hands on the buildings. Okay? Sense the vibrations of the concrete. Listen to the stories that you tell the stones. And going to the cleaners.
Man: I will. Thank you very much, Mr. Mosby.
Ted: All right.
The man left the apartment and Robin puts his ear on the table.
Robin: This table just told me that you're an idiot.
End flashback
Robin: This idea of being a guide is to procrastinate the fact of calling customers.
Ted: I do not procrastinate. I just want everything to be perfect, right? I have only one test.
Robin: Okay, but PJ does not help.
Barney: If Ted says that PJ is necessary to society, then PJ will go nowhere.
Ted: You see? It is useful.
Barney: PJ is a guy? PJ, this is not a hottie you f*ck?
Ted: No, I guide him.
Barney: A Guide. I guided a young, once. I made him my co-pilot. Then one day, he hired an assistant to work 3 meters from her room, which... Check it out... is not a hottie, proving he has never listened. You know how to call this type?
Ted: Ted Mosby?
Barney: Maybe. I remember more. Because for me he is d*ad!(He rises) PJ will receive a mail with a disruptive place, it should in any circumstances be three days and then send it to me.
Everyone leaves the meeting room, Marshall called Barney who is about to leave too.
Marshall: I thought of something to become indispensable.The Ecolo-man! Everyone loves recycling, eh?
Barney: Fired. What else you got?
Marshall: I have others. Ties-Fun-man.
Barney: Fired.
Marshall: Info-Unusual-man?
Barney: Did you know? Whether you're fired?
Marshall: Stretch-man?
Barney: upside down Viré.
Marshall: The Monty-Python-man?
Barney: We are the knights who say... You're fired.
Marshall: Wait! I ran a simulation league baseball in school.
Barney: Not bad. You got maybe something.
Marshall: Great! Great! I Simulates-man!
Barney: Actually, you'll Sports-man. We have already Simulates-man.
Man: OK, guys?
Barney: Hi, Frank.
Ted size pen when the phone rings.
Ted: Hello? Hello, PJ. Where are you? You're never late.You're mounted on the Empire State Building? Listen to the old lady. She knows stories. Take your time. (Hangs up) Wait."Ted Mosby House." The call comes from within! (He opens the bedroom door and discovered Robin in bed with PJ) This is not the Empire State Building. You can not sleep with my assistant. I try to work here, me. How did that happen?
Robin: At noon, when you go to any walk of reflection, that leaves us time to spend together.
Flashback
Ted is at the door of the apartment while PJ is behind his desk.
Ted: Inspiration... do your work.
PJ: Each time, chief. Every time.
He left the apartment, leaving Robin with PJ.
Robin: Tell me, PJ, I have a question for you architecture.Ted's ass what taste?
PJ: No idea, but probably the taste of engineering.
Robin: It's locked?
PJ: Visitors must register for the key.
Robin: Listen, PJ. And I want you to think seriously before answering. You tell me I can not go to the bathroom with me?
PJ: I tell you that you must ask permission to use the toilet in my premises.
Robin: Why does it excite me?
She grabs him by the neck and kisses him.
End flashback
Ted: There's billions of guys on Earth. Why do you sleep with him?
Robin: When I leave the job, it is 5:30 am. Got an idea of guys I meet?
Flashback
Robin is at the bar with a man.
Man: I distribute the newspaper, it's dirty but someone has to do. Do not worry, I wash them before you fiddle with the parties.
Then with another...
Man: I live with my mom. In the evening they watch TV in bed.It's called "The club hugs."
And yet another...
Robin: So, you get up very early to discuss the European market? How is it?
Man: Look, we'll do it or not?
End flashback
Ted: First, I know Simulates-man, this is a good match.Second, it must stop! If you distract PJ, you lose productivity.
Robin: What productivity? You did not call a single customer.
Ted: Once launched the website, printed brochures, and the choice of games at the business seminar, I will call.
Robin: Seminar?
PJ: Mr. Mosby and I are going camping on the roof.
Marshall is in his office when Barney comes to see.
Barney: Sports-man. I heard people talking about your club.
Marshall: It's a bit harder than I thought. Registration fees, transaction charges penalty, I... keeps a lot of money.
Flashback
Marshall is in the meeting room.
Grub-man: Good job, Sport-man. That's last week.
Marshall: 60, 80, 100. $ 18 000 in cash. It's nothing. I'll bring it home and put them in a safe place. (Marshall is in the street) OK, walk down the street with money in his pocket. Not touch the money. It's so obvious. Be natural. The baby looks at me.Babies can smell money. It is known! I carry a lot of money!
He starts running.
End flashback
Barney and Marshall are in McClaren's.
Marshall: Really, dude, I know not how long I'll keep.
Barney: Last week you were a waste that nobody was looking.Now you're Sports-man.
Marshall: A waste?
Barney: Last week!
Ted enters the bar, followed by Robin.
Marshall: This is Ted Mosby Mosbius Designs. How is the home office?
Ted: Okay, until Robin sleeps with my assistant.
Robin: This is our apartment. You let a cake on the counter, Mama's going to offer a slice.
Barney: I've told you, commits a pretty assistant with whom you can sleep instead of hiring an assistant with whom Robin sleeps. Of course he'll sleep with her. It is the coolest on the planet. I am off topic! You're an idiot! This is my message!You're an idiot! An angry person, that's not enough! Marshall with me!
Barney and Marshall away.
Marshall: Dude, why are you so upset that Ted does not sleep with the people he hires?
Barney: Because it hurts!
Marshall: How so?
Barney: It hurts because I love... when Ted... layer with women. I am a very devoted friend! Lily is the only one I can talk. Tell him to talk to me.
Marshall: I'll try, but no warranty. She is still shocked by this joke. This joke. It tore our group, which turns the people I love against the other. Frankly, I would... I would like this joke is never entered our lives.
Barney: It's funny anyway, right?
Marshall: It's very funny.
Ted comes home and finds PJ behind his desk.
Ted: Good news, PJ. The brochures just arrived. Great choice for coverage. I like that instead of one of my creations, you to choose that.
A photo of Robin and PJ.
PJ: You know what? I had to send the wrong photo.
Ted: You think so? Listen to PJ, the website is still not done.You're not even come to the seminar... In fact, I saw a sh**ting star... and you're late every day. Sorry, PJ. I must be concentrated. You're fired.
PJ: You can not f*re me...
Ted: You're fired.
PJ: Well! (He takes his phone) Hi, baby, I've just been fired.Yes, I'll wait with you. (He settles on the couch and turn on the TV) The Wheel of Fortune.
Robin is with PJ on the couch.
PJ: I like having all this time to spend with you book. I'll kiss you there... And there... And here and there. And...
Robin: One more.
Ted: Stop.
PJ: I'm going to the toilet. I'll miss you.
Robin: I'll miss you too.
PJ gets up and goes to the bathroom.
Ted: You've already tired of him.
Robin: It is driving me crazy. When PJ was working, he was sexy. The keeper of the key toilet. A sexy guy that says when you can go to the bathroom or not? It's the dream.
Ted: "It's the dream"? The dream? As mentioned by Martin Luther King?
Robin: I have to stop, right? I know not break.
PJ: I still have to go, but I could no longer stay away from you.
Robin: Listen... Dude, I know.
PJ: What?
Robin: Yes, it's just... It's not really... that, you know?
PJ: It's on what?
Robin: I feel it.
PJ: Do you not feel anything?
Robin: But friends and others.
Ted: My God, this is the worst break.
PJ: You're breaking up with me?
Robin: If this is what you want, I totally understand.
Marshall and Barney are in the boardroom.
Toy-man: You do not use this short-stop that the Mariners have discussed. I must have.
Barney: You see, Sports-man. People adore you.
Marshall: I can be more Sports-man. I'm going crazy! I keep receiving text messages, emails and calls in the middle of the night. Sometimes I even think that I follow.
Douglas: Hi, dude. We need you to do this exchange, I can prepare my team. You are really tight, is it not?
Marshall: Seriously, it's over.
Douglas: I stop?
Marshall: No.
Ted (2030): With the breakdown of Robin and PJ, I was free to change the personnel office.
Robin returned to the apartment, where Ted works.
PJ: Welcome Mosbius Designs.
Robin: Are you kidding?
Ted (2030): Now that PJ came back to work...
Ted returned to the apartment and finds Robin and PJ kissing on the couch.
Ted: Are you kidding?
Marshall and Barney are at the bar.
Marshall: Apparently, Robin and PJ are together again.
Barney: You're kidding!
Marshall: How are you?
Barney: As Lily not speaking to me, I must tell you something.And it's not easy to say, OK? I... wait... 'm... wait... love...wait... of... wait... a... wait... some... wait...
Marshall: I know you're in love with Robin.
Barney: What?
Marshall: Lily told me.
Barney: She told you? Great. I guess you marrez my back all this time.
Marshall: Actually, oddly, we both think you're meant for each other.
Barney: Really?
Marshall: It even tries to sit on the same side for you to sit side by side.
Barney: Really? This is so cute. But let's be clear. I do not like it, OK? It's just that... I miss when she is not there. I think about her all the time, I guess one day we will run towards each other in slow motion and I wear a suede jacket.
Marshall: Tell her how you feel?
Barney: No. Perhaps. Ever. I know not. Listen... I just need to get rid of that idiot PJ. If Lily was there, she would know how to get rid of him.
Marshall: I can perhaps help you.
Barney: You're not Lily. Lily is a diabolical puppet master, the subtle situations to achieve its ends. This is evil incarnate. You have the right. Cling to it.
PJ returned to the apartment with flowers.
Ted (2030): Meanwhile, I thank you without fight against Robin and PJ continued.
Ted: I was going to do my walk with wisdom. Want to go?
Robin: I took the key to the toilet without asking. Are you gonna do?
PJ: Listen... you're great. But I chose another job. This is for you. Robin, I hope this letter will offer a conclusion. You will really miss.
Meeting Room of Goliath National Bank...
Chow-Man: Manny Ramirez is not exchange against two replacements!
Toy-man: If you put your veto, I am going!
PJ: I'll find something.
Barney: Hire the kid as his assistant. He does all the work and you're still Sports-man. Evil incarnate, Eriksen. Evil incarnate.
Robin returned to the apartment while Ted is at his desk.
Robin: Are you okay?
Ted: And if I did not think the books?
Robin: Sorry?
Ted: There is a history of architecture on a famous architect who designed the library. She was perfect. But every year, sinking a few inches into the ground. Obviously, the building was condemned. He forgot to take into account the weight of books. This box... it's just me. If I ever thought not to books?
Robin: No one goes to the library, so you do not care of this type. And you must pick up the phone and call customers.
Ted: The more I delayed the launch of my box, the more it can remain a dream and not something that I screwed up. It's like if I quit before it began.
Robin: You wanna talk drop? I described as the perfect guy "funny, intelligent, passionate, ambitious." And apparently, I just... "In my apartment." You thought that you would have understood, now?
Ted: Are you kidding? At 30, I had to have an insolent success, being married to the perfect woman, maybe a kid on the way. Instead, I'm just a guy sitting in his apartment, which is a competition look with his phone. And who loses.
Robin: You can do it.
Ted picks up the phone and dials a number.
Ted: Hello, Ted Mosby Mosbius Designs. I learn about your design needs, present or future.
Robin: It looks good.
Ted: I looked confident?
Robin: Now known as a real customer.
Ted: Great.
Marshall and Barney eats in the boardroom.
Marshall: Hey, Chow-man!
Barney: Hey, Toy-man!
Marshall: Who's this guy?
Barney: He is not here. I think we should leave.
Marshall: Really?
Barney: It's happened before.
They leave the room running.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x20 - Mosbius Designs"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted is in McClaren's number and its exchange with a woman.
Ted: Super. So I'll call you.
Woman: I hope so.
The woman leaves and Ted joins Barney, Marshall and Robin at their usual table.
Marshall: Look at this.
Ted: I had the number of that girl. Look. Holly.
Barney: Owl. The girls with a name ending in LY are dirty.Holly, Kelly, Carly, Lily.
Marshall: Yeah, it's true.
Barney: And not to mention the girls with names ending in I instead of a Y. These girls are like rides. You make the long tail, but once inside, you hold on, hoping not to lose your keys.
Ted: You know what I'm going to do? I'll call on. I will do "you remember me? It's been a ". It's funny because I just saw.
Barney: You can not. You must wait three days before calling.This is the rule.
Ted: This rule is completely outdated. They know exactly what you do. I have another rule. It's a bit crazy, but I call it, "you like him, you call him."
Barney: Sorry. Can you repeat that? I do not mean the I-f*ck-ever.
Ted: My rule of three days, it is anything. Who invented it?
Barney: Jesus.
Marshall: Barney, do not do that. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus began this thing for three days. He waited three days to return to life. It was perfect. If he had waited one day we would not have known he was d*ad! They would have said: "Jesus, are you? "And Jesus would probably have said," You okay? I died yesterday! "And they would say:" You have the air alive, man. " And they should explain his resurrection. And the miracle. And then the guy would say, "Okay, whatever you want, dude."
Robin: The dialogues seem pompous old now.
Barney: And he will not come back on a Saturday. Everyone is busy doing chores. Weave, cut the beard. No. It looked exactly the right number of days... Three.
Ted: I promise, I'll wait three days. Stop talking.
Barney: And it's Sunday, they are all already in the church.They are all there, "No, Jesus died." Then, bam! He burst through the door, crossed the aisle, everyone is excited. And by the way, that's where he invented the "tope there! "3 days.We wait three days to call a woman because it is the time that Jesus wants us to wait. True story.
GENERIC
Ted: Okay. I promise. I will call not before three days.
Ted is in the apartment.
Ted (2030): But I said nothing about texting. I started with something pretty and charming. "I thought about you, then, I thought you send a text message piti." By pressing send, I realized that it was not at all charming. That was the thing that sucks the most anyone has told someone. And the worst with texting, is that once sent... can not recover them. And then...(23 minutes later...) you wait. And just when you decided to never again send a text message... (His phone rings) "I thought you too, it's crazy that you send me a text when I'm in my bath."
Holly is in her bath with her phone and Robin leaves his room.
Robin: What was that?
Ted: What?
Robin: You made a noise.
Ted: This is my laptop, a text message.
Robin: Not that. You made the sound of the naked girl.
Ted: What?
Robin: When you see a naked girl, you make noise.
Ted: That's not true.
Robin: Really?
Flashback
Ted enters the bathroom, but once spring.
Ted: Sorry, Lily.
Ted and Robin are watching TV.
Voice: While the men hunt, women of the Korowai tribe native wash their clothes in the river.
They are now in the museum.
Ted: It's a breast.
End flashback
Robin: This is Holly who writes to you? You're not promised to wait three days?
Ted: To call. Texting, it's different.
Robin: Okay, just try to proclaim your sound of the naked girl.
Ted: I make no noise.
Robin: Really?
She opens her robe and went to the bathroom while Ted is the "noise".
Ted (2030): Holly and I, we had sent text messages until 2am.And all the next day, too. It seemed perfect.
Ted: Holly just told me what she wears. It's pretty exciting.
Robin: Whatever it is, I guarantee you she do not wear it. She lies to please you.
Ted: How do you know?
Robin: Because no woman in history has never, "asked to read architectural magazines in my old... uniform cheerleader. "
Ted: Okay, maybe she's lying on the architectural magazines.No. This is bad.
Robin: What?
Ted: She just sent me a message clearly intended for someone else.
Robin: "Baby, I got to eat at Generro. I come home soon. "Yes, it sounds bad, but thinking a little. It is perhaps for his brother or father who is ill.
Ted: Come down.
Robin: "And then I want to... you to take me on the couch."Maybe not a sick father. Father or a really sick... Right? Sorry.
Robin joins Marshall and Barney at the bar.
Robin: Hi guys! What is it?
Marshall: A meal that I Generro back to Lily.
Robin: Bizarre. Holly sent a message to Ted talking about a meal Generro. A second. Band of bastards!
Barney: What?
Robin: You are Holly! So Ted did not send messages to Holly? He sent to you?
Barney: We knew he would try to call three days before, so I took his cell phone and changed his number from mine.
Marshall: We wanted to call the chopper too early, but then he... sent text messages.
Flashback
Marshall and Barney are at the bar.
Barney: "Piti texting"?
Marshall: Poor, little Ted. It should... He should say it estnous.
Barney: Yeah. Or... it pretends to Holly and we are in the bath.
Marshall: It's better. It was funny. He should say that it is us.
Barney: It should. Or... it is said that red is our favorite color and found the look "cowboy" sexy.
Marshall: It's better.
Ted was at the apartment in a bathrobe and cowboy boots.
Ted: I wear them right now and they are very sexy.
Barney: He put the boots!
Marshall: He bluntly put! It was great! But it's time to tell him that he wears.
Barney: Or... we remove our shirts.
Marshall: It's better.
Barney: Maybe that door below, a black bra with lace.
Marshall: I believe that wearing anything underneath.
Barney: It is hot.
Marshall: There, he wears only cowboy boots! Here we go!
Barney: Too! Tell him we slowly drag our... What do we do?
Marshall: I think we'll... have sex with Ted.
End flashback
Robin: You did this all day? This is wicked.
Marshall: No, actually it was for his good. It protects it from itself. He really likes this girl. He had that look.
Barney: The crazy eyes, "I'm going too fast and I will f*ck up everything."
Marshall: The same he had with you the first time.
Barney: We all know what it gave.
Flashback
Ted dances with Robin.
Ted: I'm in love with you.
Robin: What?
End flashback
Robin: I was a single case. This is not Holly Robin Scherbatsky. What is wrong with her hair? News Flash: detangling, it exists for not having a helmet. I'm so mean.
Marshall: It's been that Ted did not like someone. He stored much... We thought him to say "I love you" when he contacted her.
Barney: And it's coming. It shows all the telltale signs.
Marshall: First: he jokes with the marriage.
Barney: "You like architecture? We should get married. Ha-ha.MDR. Just kidding. So what? "
Marshall: Deuzio: it's far too early suggestions crazy travel.
Barney: "I like beer. We should go to Germany. MDR. JP.MDR. "
Marshall: Third: it says too early personal things.
Barney: "My parents divorced two years there. It was really hard. MDR. "
Robin: And he really knows not what means MDR.
Marshall: Yeah, but that's the problem. Ted did not say "I love you" as easily as we thought.
Barney: And then we met Stan.
Flashback
Marshall and Barney are still at the bar texting.
Stan: Why do you so much noise?
End flashback
Marshall: So, he explained everything and once finished, there was something fascinating.
Flashback
Stan: Why not say you know it's there, thinking of you, concerned about you, and you feel safe? Your fears, your past disappear. And that the only hope is the promise of a hug.
End flashback
Robin: Super Stan. Who is it?
Barney: A guard who works nights.
Marshall: He eats here every day.
Barney: And he had not finished.
Marshall: Far from it.
Flashback
Stan: I thank God for every mistake I made, because each of them told me the path that led me to you.
Marshall: It's... really nice.
Barney: No matter. It's OK.
Ted sits at the apartment to read a text message.
Holly: "And when, finally, we will be together, I want you to enlaces. "
Stan: Hug me all night. Stroking my hair. Tell me I'm a woman and show me that you are a man. Until there is now. You and me... and now.
Marshall: You want me to send it to Ted. I knew it.
Holly: "I do not ask someone to explain the night. I wait and it envelops me. And you're like bread, light and shadow. "
Stan: This is Pablo Neruda.
Marshall: I do not know... what comes to the bread here, but it touches me... here... and here.
Barney: Well, if Ted does not say, I will. I love you.
Stan: That's cool. Still nothing?
Marshall: It is perhaps not in love with us.
Barney: How is this possible? It's all there waiting!
Marshall: I do not understand men.
Stan: I go to work.
Marshall: Do... you come back?
Stan: I'll be back when the wind, destiny and luck will take me back. That is to say tomorrow. This is the day of the cheesesteak.
End flashback
Robin: That guy you fell in love. I hope his girlfriend is not jealous. He spoke of a friend or...?
Barney: All was well until he sends a text message for Lily and ruins everything.
Robin: It's okay. It's over now. I have to leave, but that's what happens: you call it now, tell him what you did and apologize.Got it?
Barney: Yes. (Barney out of the bar) Or...
Robin returned to the apartment.
Ted: Holly explained everything to me, it was just a misunderstanding. All is well now.
Robin: Really? How she explained the scope of texting?
Ted: Apparently, his idiot friend of Marsha accidentally used his phone for a message to her husband Billy.
Robin: Marsha and Billy. They are not trampled.
Ted: And now I feel better than ever. It sounds crazy, but I think that I am attached to this girl.
Robin: You cling to Barney and Marshall.
Ted: What?
Robin: They did not believe that you'd wait three days, so Barney has changed his number by that of his work laptop.Holly is Barney and Marshall.
Ted: Wait. It was them all along? So Holly was not in his bath?Or sitting by the window, gazing at the stars thinking of me? Or on his couch cheerleader reading architecture magazines?
Robin: I think they have done that. They were just at the bar.
Ted: It's true.
Robin: Yes, it was them.
Ted: Incredible!
Robin: I know. You should tell them that you are not fooled.
Ted: Or... I send them a text message that will really confuse them.
Robin: I see. Why not: "I have told anyone yet, but I only have three months to live"?
Ted: Not bad. And: "I k*lled a man with a shovel, and those feelings resurface"?
Robin: I love this thing someone said about three months to live.
Ted: "I've never told anyone but I slept with the mother of my best friend. "
Robin: It's good, but I think it comes down to trick the three months to live.
Ted: Wait. I think I have.
Marshall and Barney are in the latter's office.
Marshall: He replied! "I probably should not tell you, finally, we barely knew, but never mind, I say it anyway. "
Barney: That's it, man. This is the "I love you."
Marshall: I would like Stan to be there.
Barney: Stan. What?
Marshall: "I sometimes have dreams about my gay best friend."
Barney: "I sometimes have dreams about my gay best friend. "
Marshall: Ted Why send text messages to a girl he barely knows, where he says he dreams about me gay?
Barney: Easy. You? He speaks clearly to me.
Marshall: Dude, I'm his best friend.
Barney: Okay, one: It has never been proven. Two: If anyone had any dreams about gays one of us would be on me! Finally, look at me. Now look at you. An octogenarian still in her closet would not be in this state.
Marshall: That's the trick. I hug you, no. Who would not want to cuddle in this case, on Sunday morning? Wrapped in the quilt while it is raining, and there are muffins in the oven. I'm cuddly, bitch. You must do.
Barney: I train every day. One thing we know about Ted is that he likes a nice body. This body would vibrate.
Marshall: Ted and I, we lived. I know what he likes. There are things I can do it... he époustoufleraient Why do they sleep with Ted?
Barney: I know. It's weird.
Barney and Marshall are in McClaren's with Robin.
Barney: Crazy, no? Ted had dreams about me gay.
Marshall: And by "me", he means Marshall Eriksen, star of Ted's gay dreams.
Robin: So what? So Ted has gay dreams about one of you. It's not as if he had three months to live. It would... Shocking, no?
Marshall: Look at this guy. How is my best friend for 12 years?
Ted: It's a bit weird, but... I had a strange dream yesterday. It's a bit embarrassing.
Barney: You can tell us. This is a secure area.
Marshall: Your feelings are quite natural.
Ted: That's what happened.
Ted (2030): And I wasted half an hour of life of these bastards, tell them about this dream where I dine with my top 5 best architects.
Ted: Then at the end of the meal, Frank Gehry addition to the slides and IM Pei said, "Friend, tonight is your name I Paye."Buckminster Fuller was almost choking. And I woke up.
Marshall: That's it?
Barney: No more dreams? Nothing disturbing or erotic?
Marshall: OK, what do you say that. You know that someday in the future, machines will rebel?
Ted: Of course.
Marshall: So, the machines... k*lled everyone. And there are only you, me, and Barney. Who among us would you... you?
Ted: And.. why should I "make me" one of you?
Barney: Machines force you. They want to watch. That's how they erupt.
Ted: It's hard. I imagine it would be... Holly. Robin told me everything. That's why I invented everything. Guys, here is Holly. And I have not waited for your precious three days to call. I knew where she was working so I found. Let me ask you? It was too early?
Holly: I loved that he called me right away. It's very romantic.And I do not assoies home to read architectural magazines uniformed cheerleader. I do it naked.
Ted: Holly and I are going to dinner.
Holly: I'll meet you outside.
Holly leaves the bar.
Marshall: Sorry. It was just trying to help you.
Barney: And also, it was really funny.
Ted: I do not need help, OK? I can look after myself. And yes, maybe some girls do not like to be called away or they may say too, but guess what? These are not good for me. Maybe the good is the one that loves me to do that, because... this is who I am and I will not change because of a stupid rule of the Three Days. Holly spells his name with an "I".
Ted (2030): I had proved that the Rule of Three Days was wrong and I went out to dinner with a pretty girl. And so far, I have told anyone the truth about this hot date.
Ted is the restaurant with Holly.
Holly: It's funny! I also love indie music. We should get married. I laugh. Or not? I laugh again. That's it. We go to Brazil together! I saw my doctor this morning, he told me that everything was settled, so I can go. I think I love you.
Ted (2030): Finally, I did not have to wait three days, but Holly should really have. Like many rules, sometimes you follow them and sometimes not. But I will say this. When I was your mother's number, I called immediately.
Marshall and Barney are at the bar with Stan when Robin arrives.
Stan: Hi, friends.
Barney: You work right?
Stan: I took leave.
Marshall: Great! We can have fun!
Stan: I can not. I have a date. Ready?
Robin: Yes.
Barney: What...
Marshall: Wait. You can not just sit there and have your date with us?
Barney: Yeah, it will be fun! Look, I'm kidding! It explodes! Do you like magic?
Stan: Friends. It's time to say goodbye. We all shared a special afternoon and it's something I cherish. I will never forget you.
Robin by the arm of Stan.
Robin: You know their names?
Stan: No. The large, this is Ted?
Robin: No, it's Marshall. Married to Lily.
Stan: OK. Do you like chicken wings?
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x21 - The Three Days Rule"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): In May 2009, I was about to have my first big client as an independent architect. I was desperate for this to happen.
Ted is in an office with two men.
Man: That's what you want, son. It's very simple. Opening a restaurant called Rib Town and it is to have the form... a cowboy hat.
Ted (2030): Everything.
Ted: A hat? This is brilliant. I love it! Nothing better to say "delicious" as inside a cowboy hat. I tell you, I'm your man. I think being born to draw this building. I... I see.
Ted is in the apartment, slumped on his desk.
Ted: I see it. I see it. (Robin enters) What is it good?
Robin: All-Nighter?
Ted: I told them I had a vision for this thing. They want a drawing in a week and I have nothing!
Robin: It's cute.
Ted: Cute? I can draw concert halls and bridges. Bridges so beautiful they could be in museums. And I could draw these museums. But I draw, what instead? Where is my career? A two-story Stetson... with a terrace on the edge. It's a cosmic joke. The universe conspires against me.
Robin: Did you just need to get out. Take a walk. Pay yourself a bagel.
Ted: Yeah, that'll solve everything. I have not slept for 34 hours, but a bagel is the answer. Cinnamon and raisin bagel with some cream. It looks good. I'll buy one.
Robin: Take an umbrella. It's going to rain, according Galoshes, our clown-weather.
Ted: Your show has a clown to present the weather? It's a bit nase, right?
Robin: And this restaurant that you draw, what form it, Hoss?
Ted: Okay. You want to f*re me from here, I go out. I look forward to seeing what the universe has prepared me.
It takes an umbrella, left the apartment and then walking through the streets.
Ted (2030): Children, I tell you the story of meeting your mother. There is so much to learn from this story and it is most important. The greatest moments in life, it is not always what you do. This is also what happens to us. I'm not saying you can not influence the course of your life. You must act and you will. But remember that one day you could put one foot out and see your life changed forever. (He gives money to a homeless man) You know, the universe has a plan, children, and that plan is still moving. A butterfly flaps its wings... and it starts raining. (He opens his umbrella) It's scary. But it is also wonderful. All these workings of the machine running constantly, ensuring that you are exactly where you should be, exactly when you should be. The right place... (Someone taps him on the shoulder) at the right time.
GENERIC
Ted (2030): Children, it's a miracle I've been at this corner.Especially since it would have been easy I'm not there.
Flashback
Ted (2030): For example, when leaving the apartment, I almost go right instead of left. Why not right? For that, we must go back. As you know, your Aunt Robin had a show.
Robin: Eunice is itself these handbags. They are hand-embroidered silks at best. And each takes months to do. I can not say how long... (Robin threw in a bag) Weather, fools!
Clown: Hi, everyone! A high pressure system arrives from the west...
Ted and Robin are in the apartment.
Robin: On the other hand, I bought a big bag today.
Ted: Wait, why did you vomit?
Robin: You want to know.
Ted: Come on. Tell me.
Robin: I'm pregnant.
Ted: I will raise this child with you. You're not alone. You can get married if you want, but I want to see other girls, it would be one of those marriages...
Robin: Stop! I'm not pregnant. This is an intoxication. I ate something at the restaurant, three hours later, I vomited like a fountain.
Ted: Where?
Robin: This is a disgusting issue.
Ted: Where was your meal?
Robin: I want to tell you.
Ted: What?
Barney, entering: Go to YouTube. Tape "Robin Scherbatsky show vomit". Robin, already gone.
Robin: Someone has already put on YouTube?
Barney: Yeah... someone. So... why did you vomit? You're pregnant?
Robin: Yeah, I'm pregnant.
Barney runs off.
Ted: Why do you not tell me where you got your intoxication?
Robin: You adore this place. If I tell you, it will ruin it.
Ted: It makes sense. Do not say anything.
Ted is in McClaren's with Robin.
Ted: This Indian restaurant where the cat jumps on the tables?
Robin: I say nothing.
Ted: The Spanish restaurant with the cradle?
Robin: I say nothing.
The waitress brings a plate to Ted.
Ted: Is it here? Tell me!
Robin: You really want to know? This is Schlegel's Bagels.
Ted: Why do you have told me? Schlegel's? Thank you! I'll have to find another New York place that serves bagels.
Ted (2030): The children, though as usual, I had gone to Schlegel's Bagels, I would have gone right. I would have taken a bagel would be returned to work on this building and you would perhaps never been born. But I went left, towards my second favorite place. And the rest is history. Of course, on the way, I stopped in this booth. Why I got arrested? That's why.
Barney at the bar and reads a magazine. He returned to the apartment to see Ted.
Barney: The Bro's Life magazine. Page 83. Look.
Ted: "What does your paintball on your personality? "
Barney: Lowest.
Ted: "The last 3 kilos: how the push to lose. "
Barney: Highest.
Ted: Petra Petrova.
Barney: The Girl of the Year in May, according to Bro's Life magazine. A delicate flower in stiletto heel leopard thong and riding a 4x4.
Ted: These magazines are broken. It is certainly retouched.
Barney: I have an appointment with.
Ted: You are my hero! Really? How did you do?
Barney: It's not in the story. I waited a long time to say that.This girl... is the daughter.
Ted: Of course it is. Marry them! It.
Barney: Marrying? I have something even more special in mind. Petra, if all goes well, will be my... wait, my 200th! Can not wait. Too exciting.
Ted: The 200th with that... get laid?
Barney: Who I'll lie. I want the highest "Tope there."
Ted: Even if I was wearing protective clothing. 200 is too much!
Barney: As if there could be too much of something wonderful."Babe Ruth, gently, my grandfather. Do not h*t too many home runs. Steve Guttenberg, you should not do that three Police Academy. America has laughed enough. "
Ted: Who are these girls? It was rhetorical. Show me the list.
Barney: 199 satisfied customers. Finally, the big night is Thursday. I give a reception before, in McClaren's. Prepares a toast. Tuxedo optional but desired. Gifts are, I would say useless, but follow your heart.
Ted: 200 is too much.
Barney: It's not too much.
Ted: That's too!
Barney, Marshall, Ted and Robin are at the bar.
Marshall: It's not too much.
Barney: Thank you.
Marshall: Do not misunderstand. You're disgusting and the cops should put a shoe on your part, but this number should be higher. After Barney told me about that, I reviewed the figures and... I have some graphics. Barney dredge about 20 girls a week.
Barney: It's more than 20. B. Does nothing more precise estimate.
Marshall: Let 20. So 20 girls a week, that's 1,040 girls a year.In its 16 years of sexual activity, it would mean that he has dredged 16,640 girls. If he has slept with 199, it's a success rate... slightly higher than one per cent. This is an average of 12 hits, eight times worse than average in career... launcher in one hand, the launcher... Jim Abbott.
Barney: Jealous. Jealous. Hero. Strangely silent during this conversation on his number of sexual partners. Hero. The grand total, it is the only number that matters.
Ted: Who said so?
Barney: Matthew Panning, the stud of Port Richmond College.
Barney is in college.
Matthew: Stinson, you're an amateur. I bet you've never done.
Barney: You neither.
Matthew: How many times I have to tell you? I did it with 100 girls. Fifth in school from my cousin in Long Island.
Barney: You know what, Matthew? One day, I would have done with 200.
Matthew: Call me when it happens.
Barney: And I'll call.
Ted: I think he'll say it again very slowly.
Barney: I will... the call.
Robin: You have noted Gaby Allan dual, 78 and 162.
Barney: What? Let me see. Sixty... Once. Oh, my God. Wait...I counted the same girl twice? That means I'm only at 198?
Marshall: It just means you're less than 0.5% was thought disgusting.
Barney: I win a Czech supermodel in two hours. I can not waste it in the 199th. Petra must be the 200th.
Ted: are you gonna do? You will find not a partner in the next 2 hours.
Barney: Astronaut Millionaire. You come home to see shells?
Woman 1: Get out.
Barney: I come from the grave of my wife. I buried her there was just one year. I miss her. I need comfort.
Woman 2: You're scary.
Barney: You're not as sick of all these games? I just want to settle down and have an army of toddlers at once.
Woman 3: I have a mass and I love to use it.
Barney: Marshall? Knowing how important it is for me, you think that Lily... I would do the job...
Marshall: I'll k*ll you.
Barney: Okay.
Barney leaves the bar. Ted finds himself alone with Robin.
Ted: Where did Barney? It's been over an hour.
Robin: You know, looking at the names on this list, I do not see a lot of ethnic diversity. It should really be questioned.
Barney returns.
Barney: It's done. 199 made of, more than one. Have you finished your drink? (He takes the ice in the glass of Ted and puts them under the table) That's better.
Ted: It has happened to you what?
Barney: There... a girl in the gym. Pauline. She runs after me for a while.
Ted: Why wait till then?
Barney: It's not really my type.
At the gym...
Barney: Good, Pauline. You're going to have all of Fonte Leveuse Sarasota Classic this fall. I thought... to you and me.And if you're still interested...
Pauline: Ok, this is the hour of cardio.
Barney: Good grief! Mom!
Barney: Every inch tasted like roast beef and creatine. But I did. I did and I still have 30 minutes before meeting with Petra.Robin, you have the foundation? I want to cover bruises and razor burn.
Robin: I hate to tell you this, but...
Barney: What?
Robin: You did the right Gaby Allan counted 2 times, but...you're also spent 138 to 138. Have you used the same number twice.
Barney: So that means... Pauline is not the 199th, it is the 200th?
Ted: Congratulations!
Barney: It must have Petra! Petra was to be the 200th!Beautiful, feminine, "unrestrained power in bed", Petra!
Ted: Go! Happened to you at 200. You should be proud. You should be tested, but you should be proud. We do not care if Pauline does not pose in bikinis in magazines.
Barney: It does. She will be in the next Muscle Sexxy. And like many women in this magazine, Sexxy has two X and one Y.
End flashback
Ted (2030): So, bagel on the way, I stopped a minute in a booth to see the photo of the 200th Barney. If I had not done that, I would have missed the cut by the booth and came 77th in this corner a minute earlier. I would have had the bagel, worked a little, and you children, you would not be born. Why I cut through the 77th and gave a dollar to the homeless? That's why. In the early days of Marshall to Goliath National Bank...
Flashback
Marshall: Fran, I will not bother you, but I have a presentation tomorrow and it would help me if I could have tables and graphs. Can you help me?
Fran: This is the graphics department. We can make all the graphs, tables, in all colors on the paper you want.
Marshall: We'll have fun. (At the bar...) I ranked the presidents in order of disloyalty. A: Johnson. Two: Bush. Three Harding.Four: Polk. (At the apartment...) This circle represents "Those who break my heart." And this circle represents "Those who constantly undermine my confidence. "And where they meet: Cecilia. (Back at the bar...) This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. And that is a graph describing my favorite pies.(Ted, Barney and Robin Marshall waiting for a response) What is it?
Robin: That's enough tables.
Barney: What about the graphics.
Ted: Any visual representation of data.
Marshall: I'm not stupid. I know what you think of my paintings and graphics. In fact, I made a picture of your reactions to my paintings. See it. Yes, that's true, since Cecilia, your interest in my paintings do not stop falling. But based on recent trends, I also... projection boards! And look... a large peak of interest is coming! And it's not just a blip d*ad cat. It is a long-term growth.
Barney: It's you, sustained growth.
Marshall is at work in the meeting room.
Marshall: So, I prepared some charts to show how the setting up of a shell company in Bermuda could minimize our losses in the second quarter. And you avoid jail. To begin with...Excuse me a moment?
Marshall leaves the room. Ted is in the apartment when her phone rings.
Ted: Mosbius Designs.
Marshall: What happened to my pictures?
Ted: They were thrown.
Marshall: What?
Ted: That's an intervention. You could not stop eating, so we threw your cam.
Marshall: Come on, Ted! I need my pictures! Only for today and I promise to never ever do. I suffered a lot of pressure. I need my paintings, Jack!
Ted: You make tables work?
Marshall: It's for work, idiot! I make a great show and if I have not these pictures, I'm gonna get fired!
Ted: Damn. Not move. I bring them.
Marshall: Magne! I will research how to wait. (Marshall back in the room) Sorry, there is a little late with the tables. But we'll begin in a moment. Fish are weird, right? I mean, what's their problem?
Ted looking in garbage cans.
Voice: Tables! Buy your tables!
Ted: I'm sorry, Milt? I think these are my paintings.
Milt: These tables? On my coverage?
Ted: This is my blanket. We'll see later. But I need these tables.
Milt: Good thing they are selling.
Ted: Okay, how?
Milt: One million.
Ted: I give you five dollars.
Milt: One million.
Ted: No one will pay a million for these pictures!
Milt: One million.
Ted: OK, Milt, you won. I will give one million.
Milt: I'm urine...
Ted: The problem is that the distributor...
Milt: The alien time machine...
Ted: The alien time machine has a withdrawal limit. That's what I'll do. I give you a dollar... per day... for a million days.
Milt: It's... It's been 2700 years. It works! (Ted gives him a ticket and take the pictures) Big nase.
Marshall: Sorry, there is a star of earth? (Ted comes into the meeting room with tables) start.
Ted (2030): If I had not bought these tables for Marshall, I would not be passed by the 77th to give Milt his dollar. In short, you know the rest. And now, children. There are lots of little reasons that great things happen to us. If I knew then that these things take me and how I shall be grateful to them, I probably would have done something like that.
(Ted restarts in the sense that he came and took Milt in his arms, and others. Sometimes the bar where Barney reads a magazine and also takes in his arms. Then the room Sprot, in Schlegel's Bagels, to work with Robin) Because at the end, I landed in the right place at the right time. And with that, my life has never been the same.
He tapped on the shoulder and when he turns he finds Stella by his side.
End flashback
Barney is in McClaren's.
Ted (2030): The next day, Uncle Barney finally confronted Matthew Panning, the stud of the school of Port Richmond.
Matthew Barney, glad news, it's been a while. What's new?
Barney: I slept with 200 women.
Matthew: My God! This is too much. Finally... It's disgusting.Have you thought of consulting as a sex addict? You're the perfect candidate.
Barney: You've thought of consulting as "I win, you lose"?Suddenly, your 100 girls in fifth, it is so impressive.
Matthew: 100 girls? This is what it is? I lied!
Barney: Of course.
Matthew: I was 12, I was lying of course. I had no Ewok companion.
Barney: Of course.
Matthew: Your adult life is built on... something... on which I lied to 12?
Barney: Jealous?
Matthew: I get my kids to school. Looks like you got a lot of problems. Good luck, I guess.
Matthew Barney left hand alone.
Barney: I'm awesome. 200. Now what?
Robin is also the bar.
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x22 - Right Place, Right Time"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted is on the sidewalk with his umbrella.
Ted (2030): Children, Stella was the girl I thought to end my life. Before she left me on the altar, breaking my heart. So, when I cross seven months later, I had only one thing to say.
Ted: Stella! Glad to see you again!
Stella: I do too.
Ted: And Tony! What a nice surprise.
Marshall, Barney, Robin and Ted are in McClaren's.
Robin: "What a nice surprise"? No, a nice surprise would have been a safe falls from 40 stories e crushes them both. You let yourself do?
Ted: We had a friendly discussion and we resumed our respective paths.
Robin: You're f*cked up. He f*cked up, right?
Marshall and Barney gets up applauding.
Barney: Well played, sir.
Marshall: Well done.
Robin: What?
Marshall: You know, Ted has played cool, that's exactly what he should do. In fact, I would say on a scale of...
Ted, crying: And I kept your sweater... and sometimes, I sit in the bathtub for hours, you know, feel it.
Marshall:... up...
Ted, with a lookalike Stella: It's my new bride. This is Stella, except that it is French and, as you see, she has enormous breasts.
Lookalike Stella: Magic.
Tony: Enchanted.
Marshall: I think you've been great.
Barney: I would say even more. You, sir, did think Stella. "Ted looked so cool now. Do I chose the wrong? "Wait a week. The bush on the back. And belly. Have you felt that? There was an earthquake "Tope-there".
Ted: I am not on the back. Or stomach. I want to move forward.And it was an important step towards that. The future.
Ted (2030): And you know, I meant it. But anyway, that night, my mind wandered.
Ted thinks we knocks on his door. It will open to find Stella.
Stella: I made a terrible mistake.
Ted: I know. I'm better than you.
Stella: Bluntly. Ressortons lie down together and much more.
Ted: Sold!
They kiss.
Ted was at the apartment and think a knock at his door.
Tony: Hi, Ted.
GENERIC
Ted: No, between. It's not weird at all.
Tony will lie on the sofa.
Tony: I knew it was wrong to steal someone's girlfriend. I got used to it. I could not sleep. And for the wrong reasons.Sometimes for good reasons. Stella and I, we had not seen for five years, so you can imagine, at first it was fast and intense.Broken lamps, furniture moved. You see this bald area?Regardless, we turned the page. Me, Lucy, Stella, we would be moving to LA I was going to become a screenwriter. Then, you have been crossed, and you looked so... sad.
Ted: Sad? No. I think what you call sorrow was only... jovial nonchalance.
Tony: You're wrong, OK? As a small dachshund with back pain who should be walking in a bag.
Ted: Why are you here?
Tony: I know I can be a bit harsh, but I can not bear to have you as many wounded. Fate put me in the street to fix it.Obviously, I can not fill the crater left by Stella in your heart.
Ted: I met lots of girls.
Tony: And I know you've been fired.
Ted: I switched to running a small business. This is the lung of the economy.
Tony: No. Ted, my family has a lot of money. And I want to use that money to fix it with you.
At the bar...
Marshall: Tony is rich? Tell me that you wrote a check. Tell me that you did a very big check. So big that he not remove his shirt to go swimming.
Barney: It's a very big check. IF big, that if you sleep with, you would not tell your friends.
Marshall: It's a very big check.
Robin: So big, that when you sit next to on the plane, you wonder if the check would not have had to buy two seats.
Marshall: It's...
Barney: A very big check!
Ted: Yeah! He has not signed a check.
Flashback
Tony: Ted, I want to offer you a job.
Ted: A job?
Tony: Every year, my family gives a lot to Columbia University, I have contacts. How would you like to design...
Ted (2030): My heart jumped. A new library? A conservatory?
Tony:... your own resume as professor of architecture.
Ted: No thank you.
End flashback
Marshall: What do you mean "no thank you"? You'd be a great teacher. You are an expert, you can talk, and when necessary, you can get to grow a beautiful beard.
Ted: I will not be a professor. That's what you do when your career is in trouble and you have to pay the bills. Manager of small business. The lung of the economy. I will not take this job, okay? I'll get through. New topic.
Barney: Okay. Today, I had a $ 200 fine for speeding.
Marshall: That sucks, dude. You did not manage to blow it up?
Barney: You can not blow a fine.
Marshall: I have done. It was... when? In 1998.
Flashback
Minnesota 1998, Marshall was arrested by a policeman.
Policeman: Where's the f*re?
Marshall: There is no f*re. In fact, you know, there's a f*re in the barbecue where I go. Nothing special. Burgers, chops...merguez.
Policeman: You know it's dangerous to go... You said "sausages"?
Marshall: Yeah, merguez. My mother's marinated in beer for 2 days. That's it. It's weird, I could have sworn that what those big, succulent smoked sausages had writing on it. Bizarre.You were saying?
Policeman: That was writing what? The merguez?
Marshall: It said: "Ownership of Minnesota police, Jorgensen."You like merguez, Jorgensen agent?
Policeman: You go to this address? Follow me with the siren.It will burn red lights.
End flashback
Barney: I would have done that too, if I went to a barbecue.Slim, I went there.
Marshall: It's all in the assessment of your enemy. I knew he loved the sausages because he was out of breath just by coming to my car and he had mustard on his holster.
Robin: Handling a police officer with your sausage. It's sexy.
Barney: You think I can not blow a fine? You think I can not blow my fine? I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. If I managed to make me pay for a stripper to dance, I can blow a fine. Challenge accepted... wait.
Ted: I understand. "Ack-Ted. "I understood.
At the apartment...
Ted: What now?
Tony: You wanna be an architect? Super. A guy I was in school wants a new home. The job is yours if you want.
Ted: Tony, I do not need your help.
Tony: That's his job.
Ted: Now that's a very big check.
Barney is driving his car.
Barney: Let's go.
Police: Driver and vehicle registration.
Barney: Of course, officer. On.
Policeman: Sir, this is a gift certificate for a custom Italian suit.
Barney: So, what's good?
Barney arrives at the bar.
Barney: $ 375! And he kept the gift certificate. Emilio and I'll call him tell him to shorten the crotch.
Robin: You're wrong about that, man.
Barney: Anything, Robin. Like you've already blown a fine.
Marshall: Are you kidding? Robin is a pretty girl. They have no fines. I bet she was often stopped and has never had.
Robin: This is outrageous! And relevant.
Flashback
Robin in tears, stopped by a policeman.
Policeman: Permits and... Sweetie. No, do not cry. OK, not fine for you. Drive slower next time, OK?
Robin: Thank you.
End flashback
Barney: Excuse me. I left something in New Jersey.
He gets up and leaves the bar when Ted arrived.
Robin: How was your lunch with the rich? It started well.
Flashback
Ted is a man with Tony.
Ted: I want to design a home that showcases the landscape without dominating. IN 1935, when Frank Lloyd Wright designed the house to the waterfall...
Man: Yes, that's fine. You will do a good job. My concern is the basement. Especially the laundry.
Ted: The laundry room?
Man: I want a laundry room of 5 x 5 meters, ceramic tiles stain-resistant floor to ceiling. I am a man who likes to do his own laundry, and sometimes it's messy.
End flashback
Marshall: Gruesome?
Ted: Gruesome.
Flashback
Man: steel chains hanging from the ceiling 3 meters. This is where my bags of laundry will be hung for three days and three nights before I... cleans.
End flashback
Robin: Ted, it looks like this guy asks you to design...
Ted: A deadly house.
Robin: That's it. A house of horror.
Flashback
Tony: By practicing martial arts, I learned to believe in my instinct and my instinct tells me that... it sounds great.
Ted: The steak is very rare.
End flashback
Marshall jumps up.
Ted: Do not you?
Flashback
Man: One last point, soundproofing. I tend to make much noise when I wash. I'll show you. I'll go in the laundry room and tell me if you hear me.
The man left the table.
Ted: It's a bit serious, huh?
Tony: Grave well. You h*t the nail.
End flashback
Robin: You can not do this house!
Ted: I will not do.
Marshall: You can not do it!
Ted: I will not do it!
While the others are at the bar, Barney is in his car and is still off.
Barney: Come on. Mr. Officer, please, my wife is having a baby! She just lost the waters!
Policeman: Where is your wife?
Barney: She took the other car. It's Italian leather, so... I... go...
Ted is in McClaren's with Tony.
Tony: Sorry for this house of horror. It was my fault. It is for me.New plan. My friend, you will build a husband to the Statue of Liberty. I have some knowledge in the town hall.
Ted: Stop! I do not want your help, OK? You did not do that.
Tony: Yes
Ted: Why?
Tony: Because... when you were with Stella, I missed her terribly. I can imagine how you feel.
Ted: Let me reassure you. I do not want to Stella. She lied to me, dumped me at the altar. Who can do that? I'm better off without her. It is all yours, buddy.
Tony: Okay. A weight less.
Ted (2030): And that was all. Tony is gone and I started to put it all behind me. Finally, I thought.
A knock at the apartment again.
Ted: Stella?
Stella: Tony left me.
Ted: Tony left you?
Stella: He said it was because of what you said.
Robin: You did break Tony and Stella? Really sorry, but I must insist that you topes there.
Ted: Let's talk in the hallway.
Robin: I'll wait.
Ted closes the door behind him.
Ted: Why are you here?
Stella: Look, Ted, I was 7 months late, but that's how. I'm in love with Tony, since high school. We went out for a long time, and then... I became pregnant and for a 19 year old daughter, it was too much to handle, and it broke. And for a long time, I too thought about my role as mother. I forgot Tony. I forgot...what it was like being in love. Then you came and everything was resurrected. And I loved you for that. I loved you so much, in fact, it was just... enough. But I always liked Tony.
Woman, leaving her: Take it back on, darling. He's sorry.
Ted: No, it's not what happens. Tuck, Mrs. Matsen. Delighted to have you review, Stella.
Stella: Can you talk to Tony?
Ted: What?
Stella: He'll listen. You made him change his mind. You can do it again. It is cruel to ask that...
Ted: Yes, it's cruel to ask it.
Stella: I do not know what else to do. I love it.
Ted: You love her? What, you do call my romance? It's your strategy? Because this guy is gone. You can have me over like that. I am attached to nothing, thanks to you.
Ms. Matsen: Come on, darling, kiss me!
Stella, shouting: Tuck, Mrs. Matsen!
Ted: Enter!
Barney is stopped on the roadside.
Barney: OK, you can do it. You can do it! You can do it.
Police: Driver and...
Barney: Licensing and registration papers.
Police: Pardon?
Barney: You must have a permit to be as pretty. And this body? I imagine that something as expl*sive must be registered with the authorities.
It makes it a snap.
Police: Exit the vehicle.
Barney: Why, am I under arrest?
Police: No. It depends on what you will do me.
Barney, Marshall and Robin were at the bar.
Robin: False. This has never happened.
Marshall: It's from a p*rn. I saw him. Shit, I did.
Barney: When will you understand the difference between my life and a p*rn is that my life has better lighting.
Robin: You're lying.
Barney: I'm not lying! I swear on my mother. I swear Goliath National Bank. I swear on my costumes. I... do... mens... not.
Ted (2030): He lied. That's what really happened.
Flashback
Ms. Matsen: Come on, darling, kiss me!
Stella: Tuck, Mrs. Matsen!
Ted: Enter!
Stella: I can not do anything to fix everything?
Ted: No.
Ted's phone rings.
Barney: It's me! This is Barney. With the help! I have big problems!
Ted: Slow down. What's going on?
Barney: I imagine that something as expl*sive must be registered with the authorities.
Police: Get out.
Barney: Why, am I under arrest?
Police: Yes, I did a search. You have 15 offenses of the past three days. Exit the vehicle.
Barney: No, my wife will give birth! I have a sausage with your name!
Police: Get out!
Barney: You must come to Brazzaville, in New Jersey to take me out.
Ted: I'm a little busy.
Barney: Come on. You have no idea what kind of criminals with whom they put me.
Boy: Let's get our painting?
Barney: Save me, Ted!
Ted hangs up.
Ted: You wanna do something for me? I have to go in New Jersey.
Stella: You pay the toll, eh? I laugh.
Ted (2030): So, Stella and I went to New Jersey, to release your uncle Barney and we went home.
Stella in the car...
Barney: By the way, how's the girl you see? This superb French with huge tits?
Ted: You talk about Claudette? She is fine.
Barney: The highest good of all those with whom you're never out! Ever!
Barney out of the car, leaving Ted and Stella both.
Stella: Again, sorry for everything. Actually...
Ted: I talk to Tony.
Stella: Really?
Ted: I want you to be happy. I will speak to him.
Ted (2030): And I did. I know what I told him, but he had to change his mind because the next day they went to California.Stella opened a new office. And against all odds, Tony became a successful writer. His film, "The Bride" was a h*t. But we will come back.
Ted: Just tell me one thing. Why Tony? I mean, it's money, pajamas kung fu? Finally... What is it?
Stella: That is correct.
Ted: Good.
Stella: It's a little silly, but yes.
Ted: I will say out loud something that I had managed not to say out loud. Have you, Tony and you... That at one point I thought I had with you... I know that Marshall and Lily... I want that. I want to. I keep waiting and waiting for that to happen and... I guess I'm just... tired of waiting. And that's all I have to say about it.
Stella: I've already told you that I avoided a PV?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was at my parents by doing 130 and I was arrested.The cop comes out of his car. He struts around a bit to me like, "Girl, I've waited all day. "Then I looked and I said," Sorry, Mr. Officer. I came as fast as I could. "
Ted: Really?
Stella: An old joke. I know you're tired of waiting and may require you to wait a little longer, but it happens, Ted. And it happens as fast as she can.
Ted drops to turn the car, and watches her go.
In McClaren's...
Barney: She was found two days later, in the directory. I've never put my name in my underwear.
Lily joined them.
Barney: You're back!
Lily: When listening to this joke of peanut butter and jam, I was completely disgusted. But this morning in the shower, I thought about it and it made me laugh. Peanut butter. So I think I could win. According to Marshall.
Barney: It's good to see you, Lily.
Lily: Thank you. So what's new?
Barney: I'm in a world of amnesia with lots of pictures of my son and an alliance. I will find the best woman / woman and we will...
Lily: OK, that's enough for tonight. I'll go slowly.
Lily leaves.
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x23 - As Fast as She Can"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Each architect has a building that changed his career. For me it was to my 31st birthday. It was not a museum or a concert hall or a skyscraper. It was something else.
Man: We opened a restaurant called the Rib Town, we want it shaped...
The band of friends is to McClaren's.
Ted:... hat cowboy. Listen, I need this job. I have no other option.
Robin: You can always do prof.
Ted: I have not worked as hard to finish in a crappy job. Get me wrong, Lily.
Lily: I was pissed 3 times this morning. I can not say.
Ted: I pass this building, so I see you in three days.
He leaves the bar to go home and get to drawing.
Ted (2030): The next three days, I worked as ever. And it led me... nowhere.
Barney enters the apartment where Ted is still trying to design a building.
Barney: What are you doing?
Ted: A hat-shaped building.
Barney: It's time to talk?
Ted: No.
Barney: What do you think of Robin?
Ted: I have to really work, so...
Barney: Awesome. Say that is a tailor and you have found a nice suit. A nice suit Canada. Superb chest. You try it, but it does not suit you perfectly. So you return it. Then I try it. I'm not too keen... a suit that you have caught the eye, but at the same time, I love this costume.
Ted: Buy the costume. It is important to you. Tell him how you feel.
Barney: But Ted, remember your answer, because... The costume is Robin. I know! Okay?
Ted: I'm with you.
Barney: Now. For I have explained.
Ted: What...
Ted Barney greenhouse in his arms.
GENERIC
Marshall: Come on, man, you're on it for three days without stopping. This is your birthday. Come have a beer on the roof.
Ted: Impossible, the presentation is tomorrow. These hats are not alone.
Marshall: That's a big restaurant for tourists. Just put wide doors and chairs strengthened. Birthday beer on the roof. Let's go!
Ted: Why do you want as I go on the roof? You made me a surprise party?
Marshall: What? We brought you a surprise party, last year.Thou shalt have no surprises on two holidays. The fact that the world has come to the first was surprising. Not? Two surprises on Christmas! It is very strong! It is very strong! Great!(Marshall goes on the roof) Super... It still will not mount.
Robin: Come on. This is boring! I knew it was a bad idea.
Marshall: Yes, Robin, I know. This festival is... is... a disaster.It was my idea. I take responsibility. There is one thing to do.
Lily: Marshall, no.
Marshall: Lily, I have to! (He stands on the edge of the roof) It's useless to procrastinate.
Ted (2030): I should explain. A few years earlier...
Flashback
Ted, Marshall and Barney are on the roof with an inflatable pool.
Barney: Forget it. It really is not class. At best, it sucks.
Marshall: You know who knows how to live? These people.
Ted (2030): The terrace of the building next door. A paradise waiting for us behind a pit of 2 or 3 meters. And the best...
Marshall: It looks to be a... sacred... spa.
Barney: Owl. How do we go? We will do what? Jump?
Marshall mounted on the edge of the roof.
Marshall: I can jump it.
Ted: Recently, you need two tries to get up from the couch.You can not skip it.
Marshall: Really?
Ted: Really.
Marshall: Look.
Ted (2030): But he did not jump.
An hour later... Marshall is always on the edge of the roof while Ted and Barney are in the pool.
Barney: Actually, it's not bad.
Ted: Right?
Ted (2030): And the following years, he continued to try. But each time, without exception... He did not jump.
End flashback
Marshall: Do not worry. If I can jump tonight, it will save the evening.
Lily: Honey, come down here, please.
Marshall: When Evel Knievel rode his rocket star on the shore of Snake River Canyon, you think his wife said "Honey, come down here '?
Lily: For the last time, I'm not Linda Knievel! I will never be Linda Knievel!
Marshall: No need to remind me.
Ted is still on the drawing of his building.
Lily: Marshall, do not do that. Do not jump, please.
Marshall: Sorry, but I have to.
Lily: You can not.
Marshall: Why?
Lily: You want a reason? You're going to have one. I am pregnant.
Marshall: My God! My God, really? I saw you look fat...
Lily: I was lying, bastard! Go ahead, jump! I hope u gonna die!
Marshall: This is the permission I needed.
Barney: Look, Robin... I must tell you something.
Robin: Wait. Before that, I must tell you something.
Barney: What is it?
Robin: I think I love you.
Ted is a goat in her kitchen. Marshall is still on the edge of the roof when the phone rings from Lily.
Lily: This is Ted. Everyone! Ted, are you?
Ted: She's here, Lily. She looks at me.
Lily: What?
Ted: The goat.
Ted (2030): I have already told you some of the history of the goat.
Fash-back
Ted (2030): When Aunt Lily a farmer invited to speak to his class how he brought the goat, and told the class what he would do later. How Aunt Lily, in a fit of kindness, bought a goat to commute his sentence.
End flashback
Barney: It's been an incredible thing. I was talking to Robin, I would tell him my feelings, but just before, you will believe what ever she said.
Flashback
Robin: I think I love you.
End flashback
Lily: You said what?
Barney: In your opinion? What we can say to that?
Flashback
Barney: Robin, you're great listening. You're really great, but we're friends. This is not a good idea.
Robin: You must be right. Have fun.
Barney: You too, sweetie.
End flashback
Lily: What?
Barney: Once she told me that, more than feelings. I'm more in love.
Lily: You were in love with her, throughout the year and when she feels the same, you love him more.
Barney: It's not great?
Ted draws again and again while the goat eats a cloth.
Ted: It's a wuss. Not food. (He takes the mop in the bathroom and closes the door behind him) How...?
On the roof, Marshall is still trying to jump from the roof terrace managed to go next door.
Marshall: It is. It... is... go! It is.
Barney: Tracey, tell Lily what you just said.
Tracey: What I just arrived in New York?
Barney: No, how you've arrived there.
Tracey: I just get off the bus from Iowa.
Barney: Come off the bus from Iowa! How lucky that apprentice... dancer off the bus from Iowa... meeting... the producer of the Rockettes?
Tracey: I believe in a classic story of showbiz.
Lily: Honey, you're there. You're really there.
Barney: You can make us one of those rum and beer, that your father loves so much?
Tracey: Of course!
Lily: Damn.
Barney: What?
Lily: Everyone always says, "Do not tell Lily. Lily can not keep a secret. "And, usually, they are right. But this time I kept the secret. And here you come with that crap and you force me to become the Lily will spill the beans!
Barney: What song? There was a piece?
Lily: There was a song.
Flashback
Barney: The costume is Robin. I know! Okay?
Ted: I'm with you.
Barney: Now. As I explained...
Ted: What...
Barney takes Ted into his arms while Robin is in her room and heard everything.
Robin: Shit.
Marshall, Lily and Robin are at the bar.
Lily: He said that? My God! What an incredible surprise!
Robin: You know since when?
Lily is 8 months.
Robin: And you've said anything since? Bravo.
Marshall: Bravo, Lily. I mean, what a b*mb. Who saw this coming?
Robin: You know since when?
Marshall: 7 months and 29 days.
Robin: I will do what?
Lily: I know. Are you gonna do?
Robin: I'll marry Barney in a large church. We'll move to New Hampshire and open cottages.
Marshall: Really?
Robin: No! This is Barney. I mean... This is Barney. But it's Barney. I have to say no.
Lily: Boy, you're going to break her... The thing that this black mud pump through his veins.
Robin: You're right. For the first time he likes a girl, she pushes him away? And not just any girl. It's going to destroy it.
Marshall: OK, first... Second, there is a trick you can try. It's risky, but it can pay off. Lack of anything better, I'll call it... The Mosby.
Robin: The Mosby?
Lily: No, she can not mosbyser.
Marshall: It could squarely mosbyser.
Robin: What is the Mosby?
Marshall: Do you remember your first time with Ted? You wanted to get on the train Ted, visit his yard.
Robin: I was ready to jump the turnstile.
Marshall: What changed everything?
Ted and Robin dance.
Ted: I think I love you.
Robin: What?
Robin: The Mosby! It's great! And... excuse me.
Marshall: You're really pretty, but abnormally high and you will not believe in ghosts.
End flashback
Barney: So... when she said love me, she meant... otherwise.
Lily: That's it. It worked well. You are back to normal.
Barney: Yes. It's true. And it's great. It's great. (Tracey returns) So Robin does not like me.
Lily: No.
Barney: Why?
At the apartment...
Ted: Mr. Goat? (He tries to open the bathroom but the door is closed) M. The goat? Enough. (He manages to enter) Crazy Goat. I do not understand your fascination with this mop. It should be normal with a brain the size of a...
The goat runs toward him.
On the roof...
Lily: Marshall, you can pick up Ted?
Marshall: I was about to jump. You've not heard saying "OK" loop?
Lily: I'm sorry. Go ahead and jump.
Marshall: It's good. Sorry, everyone. Lily does not want me jumping. (He descends from the rim) Thank God.
Marshall found Ted lying on the ground and the goat on top of him.
Ted: The hospital!
At the hospital...
Lily: What has happened?
Ted: It happened... you left a wild animal in our apartment. I've been att*cked.
Lily: This is the sweetest and adorable goat in the world.
Ted: "The sweetest and adorable goat in the world"?
Ted (2030): I lacked sleep, it was certainly not like that, but that's how I remember it.
Flashback
Ted struggles with the goat.
End flashback
Doctor: You're the one who wanted to be a goat?
Ted: It's the goat jumped on me! Can I go?
Doctor: Yes. But remember, "Bee" means "bee".
Ted: Great, I'm late for my presentation. Thank you, Mr. Goat.
Lily: Mr. Goat? It's a girl. Her name is Missy.
Marshall: You got b*at by a girl.
Ted leaves the room followed by Marshall and Lily.
Barney: So... You're in love with me?
Robin: What? Yes. Much.
Barney: You can stop. Lily told me everything.
Robin: Damn, Lily!
Barney: I can not believe it.
Robin: It's just... You mean to me, Barney. And... This kind of stuff, the emotional side. This is not your type. I thought you avoid that.
Barney: Maybe I will not avoid it. I am perhaps. I have not wanted for a long time. But with you, it does not look so...difficult. I know not. I thought... you felt the same.
Robin: Maybe. I know not. I am not good to face the feelings.There is clearly something... between us. Maybe my head said, "stifles it in the bud" because my heart said... something else. Listen... I feel for you. Maybe even that I love you.
Barney: It's going pretty fast, do not you think?
Robin: What?
Barney: We're good friends. Why risk everything? Friends?
Robin: Friends.
Barney: My God. You just do it again. You've mosbysé!
Robin: But no.
Barney: But if, little flirtatious.
Robin: You're right. I've just mosbyser.
Barney: Why are you scared to try?
Robin: Because I'm afraid of how I could love you.
Barney: Bad idea.
Robin: You're right. There must be a mistake.
Barney: No.
Robin: I love you.
Barney: Friends.
Robin: Friends, then.
Barney: I love you.
Robin: Let's get married.
Barney: No, you're smothering me.
Robin: OK, forget it.
They kiss.
Barney: You know what? We'll see later.
Robin: Yeah, let's go.
They finally come out of the hospital room.
Ted (2030): It was a long and crazy night, but in the morning, against all odds, I made my presentation.
Ted: There he is, gentlemen. Rib Town. Is it not? Is it not?
Man: Ted, listen. You are great and you did a... great job, and you'll make other restaurants very happy one day, but... we...decided to go... in another direction.
Ted: What?
Man 2: Treat yourself with... Rib Town!
Ted: Sven...
At the apartment...
Marshall: I'll tell you, I will eat more chops.
Barney: Yeah, right.
Marshall: I will not eat.. never... chops! Before Ted!
Ted: It's a disaster. How I will recover?
Lily: OK, I'm just asking. You really want to recover?
Ted: What does that mean?
Lily: Architecture is k*lling you and it kills us to see her k*ll you.You're like the goat with the mop. You want it so much, and whenever the world try to get the resume, it hooks you. But you know what? This is only a wimp. Why do you want?
Ted: Because I have to be an architect. This is... That's the plan.
Lily: In the crapper, the plan. I wanted to be a famous artist.Marshall wanted to be environmental lawyer. Robin wanted to be a TV reporter.
Robin: I am a TV reporter. I am on the air at 4am.
Lily: It continues? Bravo.
Robin: What someone looks, please.
Lily: Barney wanted to be a violinist. Need not tell me. You can not draw your life as a building. It does not work like that. You must live it and draw it to itself.
Ted: So what, I should do anything?
Lily: Look what the world tells you to do and took the leap.
Marshall: You're right. You're completely right. I love you, Lily.
Lily: A metaphorical leap. A metaphorical leap!
All: Do not do that. Not cool.
Marshall arrives and jump off the roof on the terrace opposite.
Marshall: I did it!
Lily: Honey, you did it!
Marshall: I can do anything!
Lily: It's true!
Marshall: I bought a motorcycle!
Lily: No, not at all!
Marshall: OK, sorry. Come on, guys.
Robin jumps in turn, then Barney, followed by Lily and Ted.
Ted (2030): This is the year that I was left at the altar. The year I was a bartender tared Knocked The year I got fired. The year I got b*at by a goat. A girl goat, and more. Yet it was the best year of my life. Because if this had not happened, I never had the best job of my life. But most importantly, I would not have met your mother, because as you know... It was in this class.Of course, this story is just beginning.
The End
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "04x24 - The Leap"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
2009: IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted (2030): Kids, on my first day as a college professor, there were two things I didn't know that I wish did. The first thing was that your mother was in that classroom.
A blond girl in the classroom raises her hand and Ted looks at her.
Ted (2030): The second thing? Well, to explain that we have to go back to the beginning of the summer.
**FLASHBACK WITH IMAGES OF ROBIN AND BARNEY**
Ted (2030): When, after a year of wrestling with their feelings for each other, Barney and Robin finally, well...
Image of their kiss.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Lily: Whoo!!!
Robin: Lily! All we need is your indoor "whoo."
Lily: Sorry. (slower) Whoo! It's just they kissed! They're finally a couple. Oh, my God, you guys! This is our first double date! First of millions! What if our kids get married?! Oh I love this!
Barney: Yeah, Lily, listen.
Robin: Barney's awesome.
Barney: Robin's more than just awe-"some." She's awe-"quite a bit." She's awe-"a whole darn lot."
Lily: Wait, what are you saying?
Robin: We're just not feeling it right now. But we'll totally still be friends.
Barney: Oh yeah.
Lily: Is it something I did?
Robin: Oh no, no, no. God, no. Lily, it's not you. It's us.
Barney: Yeah, It's us. You understand, right?
Lily: Sure, of course. As long as you're happy, I'm happy.
IN. LILY AND MASHALL'S ROOM
Lily is crying and eating ice-cream.
Lily: We were gonna take cooking lessons together and we were gonna go on camping trips together and then we were gonna sit around telling funny stories about our cooking lessons and our camping trips.
Marshall: (trying to console her) I know. I Know. So... has the boat sailed on sex tonight or...
Ted (2030): After that, the summer went by way too fast. Until all of a sudden, it was the Friday before my first day as a college professor.
IN. MC LAREN'S BAR
Marshall offers a big present to Ted.
Ted: Wow! What's this?
Marshall: It's just a little something that we got for you that used to belong to my favourite professor of all time.
Ted opens the box.
Ted: A fedora! (he puts it on his head and pulls out a whip) I'm Indiana Jones! I'm Indiana Jones!!
Barney: That, my friend, is the Dominator 8000, the best bullwhip on the market, according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy.
Ted: You know what we should do? We should...
Marshall: Finish our drinks, go out in the alley, and whip stuff.
Ted: God... you just get me.
Robin: OK, I should get going. I got a date.
Barney: You're still seeing that guy?
Robin: Even better, seeing him naked.
Robin and Barney: (striking their fist) What!
Barney: I should go, too. I hooked up with this Chinese girl last night and I don't know, it's weird. I already feel like seconds.
They strike their fist and leave the bar together.
OUT. STREET BEHIND THE BAR
Marshall: OK Ted, You got first whip!
Ted: All right. (imitating Clint Eastwood) Hey, dummy (to a mannequin). What did tell you about smoking in here?
Marshall: Make him whip the habit! I'so excited about this whip! I got whip fever! Just whip him, Ted! Don't even aim! Just whip him!
IN. TED ANDMARSHALL'S HALL
Marshall's cheek is red.
Ted: I'm so sorry.
Marshall: It's just the whip's not a toy. There's such a thing as common sense, you know.
Ted: You can whip me if you want.
Marshall: I will, some other time.
They open the door of the apartment and come in. They see Robin and Barney kissing in the sofa.
Lily: Whoo!!!!!!
****GENERIC
IN. TED AND ROBIN'S APPARTMENT
Lily: So, how long has this been going on?
Barney: All summer.
Lily: I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend.
Barney and Robin: Wow, wow...
Barney: Girlfriend?
Robin: Slow your roll there, Lilypad.
Barney: Yeah, yeah.
Lily: You've been together all summer. I don't get it.
Robin: Ok, It's like this. After we kissed, we sat down to have the talk.
**FLASHBACK**
Robin: We should figure out what this is.
Barney: Yes, we should. Or. Or...
They kiss again.
And after having sex:
Robin: Okay, now, we have to figure this out.
Barney: Yes, we do. Or. Or...
They kiss again.
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Robin: We kept trying to have the talk and then we realized we hate the talk.
Barney: Yeah, the talk sucks. You have to, like, talk. And be all, "I don't know.
It's not that I don't like you. It's just that I haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time. I hope it doesn't make you mad." Who needs it?
Lily: You needs it. Guys, you can't just keep hooking up and not at least try and figure out what you mean to each other.
Robin: Yeah, we knew you would say that. That's why we kept it a secret.
Barney: Well, that and the fact that elaborate lies really turn us on.
Lily: No, no, no (trying to hold Barney who tries to kiss Robin). You need to define the relationship. You ne to have the talk.
Barney: Or. Or...
And he kisses Robin.
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: I know what you're all thinking. Who's this cool peer of mine up in front the class?" I know the board says "Professor Mosby," but to you I'm Ted.
The blond girl raises her hand.
Ted: Question. Awesome. h*t it.
Blond Girl: Yeah, here's my question, "Ted," who the hell do you think you are?
A boy: Yeah Ted, we're supposed to learn from you? You failed as an architect.
Another boy: And if you're a professor, where's your hat and your whip?
Ted: They're at home. I...
Another girl: And where are your pants?
Ted has no pants. Everybody in the class laughs.
Ted wakes, he's in his bed.
IN. TED'S ROOM
Ted: Oh, God.
Barney is in the room, looking for a condom.
Ted: Barney, it was awful. I was teaching...
Barney: Ted, now's not a good time. Where do you keep your condoms?
IN. MC LAREN'S
Ted: I am freaking out. I don't think I can do this.
Barney: Okay, look, mistake number 1 was taking that girl's question. You don't take questions on the first day. It shows weakness. Mistake number 2 was you should've h*t that. Dude, your pants were already off, you had a classroom full of people to cheer you on, and you can't knock her up 'cause it's a dream. Class dismissed.
Marshall: Mistake number 3, dude, where was the hat? Cause if you're not going to wear it, I'm taking it back.
Lily: I think what Barney's saying is that definitions are important. You're their teacher, not their friend.
Barney: Exactly.
Lily: If people don't know their place, nobody's happy.
Barney: Amen.
Lily: You have to make things clear.
Barney: Run tell that.
Lily: Define the relationship.
Barney: Yes! No! Lily, private convo time.
They go a little further.
Barney: Lily, can't you just let us be happy?
Lily: You're not happy. You just think you're happy because you feel happy.
Barney: And that's not happy?
Lily: Of course not. You and Robin need to have the talk.
Barney: Why? Give me one good reason.
Lily: I'll give you 20...
Barney: Waow, You can't even think of one. Headlights. Dear. Lily, for the last time, things with me and Robin are as good as they can possibly be. Oh, hey, look, Brad's here.
Brad: (to Robin) I've got two tickets to the Rangers/Canucks game tomorrow night. I know you're a hockey fan, so I was thinking...
Robin: Euh, oh, hum, heu...
Brad: What do I have to do? Put a g*n to your head? Buy you a six pack?
He lifts his T-shirt.
Robin: Come on, Brad, that's... Wow, There's really six of them. But, I can't.
Brad: Why not? You have a boyfriend?
Robin: No. No, no boyfriend.
Brad: Great! It's a date.
He turns to leave.
Brad: Hey Barn!
Barney: Hey Brad.
Lily: I just thought of a reason.
Ted (2030): The next night, Robin and Brad went to a hockey game.
OUT. HOCKEY GAME
Robin: You're probably wondering why I've been quiet all night.
**LILLTE FLASHBACK**
Robin: Damn it, Hordichuk! You miss another gimme like that, I'm gonna come down there and put a slapper right up your beerhole! Come on!
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Brad: Not really.
Robin: The truth is, I feel kind of weird being out with you.
Brad: Oh, man. Is this the talk?
Robin: What?
Brad: No, this is good. Let's get it all out of the way. Robin, I'm looking for something serious.
Robin: No, Brad, no, it's...
Brad: But before we go any further, you should know something about my stuff below the belt. I was born a little different.
Robin: God, no... Brad, no... This is about me and Barney.
Brad: You and Barn... oh, so you guys are...
Robin: Well, we don't know what we are. I mean, my heart says "leap into it." My brain says "it's a bad idea."
Brad: Sounds like you guys need to have the talk.
IN. TED'S APPARTMENT
Barney: We're not gonna have the talk.
Marshall: Would you just have the talk, okay? It's a five-minute conversation, and then you get to have sex afterwards. It's great! Back me up, Ted.
Ted: I don't think the talk is necessary.
Marshall: What?!
Barney: Thank you, Ted.
Ted: Because Robin is already his girlfriend.
Barney: What?!
Ted: MacLaren's Bar, four years ago...
** FLASHBACK MC LAREN'S BAR, 4 YEARS AGO**
Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple, the rules for girls are the same as the rules for gremlins.
Ted: "Gremlins"?
Barney: Gremlins. Rule number 1. Never get them wet. In otherords, don't let her take a shower at your place. Number 2. Keep them away from sunlight. I.E. Don't ever see them
during the day. And rule number 3, never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her ever.
Ted: What about brunch? Is brunch cool?
Barney: No, Ted. Brunch is not cool.
Ted: OK, new topic. How do I pick a tie?
Barney: Simple. Remember in the movie Predator...
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Barney: I've done all three of those things with Robin. Is she my girlfriend?
Marshall: Just once, I wish you guys would call me on Tuxedo Night.
OUT. HOCKEY GAME
Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, time to pucker up for the New York Rangers Kiss Cam!
Robin and Brad are chosen by in the video cam.
Brad: Okay, how about this. If you kiss me, and you feel bad about it, you're meant to be with Barney.
Robin: Why not? Lay it on me.
They are about to kiss but Barney arrives and separates them.
Barney: Hey Brad!
He hits him but he hurts himself.
Barney: Brad, we can't fight like this all night! We both got some good sh*ts in. Let's call a truce!
Brad: It's okay, dude. I shouldn't go kissing some other guy's girlfriend.
Barney: Wow, wow, wow, Girlfriend? Hey, come on.
Robin: That's putting it a bit strongly.
Barney: A bit strongly. She's not my girlfriend.
Robin: A gifriend's a bit much, Brad, okay?
IN. MC LAREN'S
Lily: Okay, seriously. We're at the point of physical v*olence. Now, will you please have the talk?
Barney: Because of that? Come on. That's my thing. I'm always punching guys. Girls... I'll punch a baby. I don't care.
Ted (2030 ): Finally, my first class had arrived. For real this time. I knew I had to make
a strong impression. I had thought of everything. Except...
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted is writing his name on the blackboard.
Ted: (for himself) Wait. Does professor have one "F" or two? Oh, my God... Oh, my God! Professor. Pro-fess-or. They're all staring at me. I don't know. Just do something! Two "F's". That looks right. I think that's right.
He turns to see the students' reaction. A girl moves her head to say "no". So Ted transforms the F into E. Then he turns to see the girl, who says yes with her head.
IN. ROBIN'S ROOM
Barney: Hey, sorry I went little too far last night.
Robin: We've been over this. Unless I say "flugelhorn" you haven't gone too far.
Barney: No, I meant punching Brad.
Robin: Right. Look, don't even worry about it. It's...
She tries to open the door but it's locked.
Robin: God. The doorknob's broken off. We're locked in here. Did, did you do this?
Barney: No.
Robin: Flugelhorn. Did you do this?
Robin: (knocking at the door) Ted, are you out there?
Lily: (sitting behind the door) Ted's not here, Robin.
Robin: Lily, let us out of here.
Lily: I'd be glad to. Just as soon as you and Barney have the talk.
Robin: Lily! Come on. Let us out!
Lily: No. Sit down, define the relationship, write down that definition on a piece of paper, slip it under the door, and if I like what I read, you can go.
Barney: We are not having the talk!
Lily: Then you'll die in there.
Robin: You're gonna lock us in here? Well, guess what? Maybe we'll spend the whole day having sex!
Lily: Well, guess what? I broughtMarshall with me, so maybe we'll do the same.
Marshall: Hey, guys.
IN. TED'S CLASROOM
Ted (2030): I still hadn't decided what kind of professor I wanted to be...authoritative or cool guy. I thought I would decide in the moment. And I did. About 20 times.
Ted: Good morning. 'Sup, dudes? Silence! This is Architecture 101. I am Professor Mosby. But you can call me Ted. Professor Mosby. T-Dawg. Do not call me T-Dawg.
The same blond girl raises her hand.
Barney appears as an angel.
Barney: Never take questions on the first day. It shows weakness. Also, don't look right here (showing girl's boobs). Okay, good luck. Byesies.
And he disappears.
Ted (2030): This was it, my crossroads moment. What kind of professor was I gonna be. I had to decide.
Ted: Please save all your questions until the end of the lecture. Thank you! Now...
Ted (2030): Professor Mosby had arrived. Of course, if I had taken
that girl's question... who, by the way, was not your mom. Your mom was sitting... Wait, let me finish this real quick. Here's what that girl would have said.
Blond girl: I'm sorry to bother you, Professor Mosby, but this isn't Architecture 101. This is Economics 305. You're in the wrong classroom.
Ted (2030): Yes, I was in the wrong classroom. And thus began the most humiliating seven minutes of my life.
Ted: Here's your think-about-it for the day. Every single person in this room... is already an architect.
A girl: Architect?
IN. ROBIN'S APPARTMENT
Robin and Barney are always looked in the room, while Lily and Marshall wait behind the door. Robin slips a note under the door.
Marshall: (reading): We're just hanging out."
Lily: Just hanging out? Not good enough.
Marshall: (whipping with the whip) Not good enough!
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: Can anyone here tell me what this class is really all about?
A boy: Economics?
Everybody laughs.
Ted: Don't laugh. He's not... He's not entirely wrong. An architect must be economical in his use of space, so... well done. Looks like someone's building towards an A.
IN. ROBIN'S APPARTMENT
Marshall: (reading the new note slipped by Robin) "We're seeing where things are going."
Lily: I'll tell you where things aren't doing... out of that bedroom. Not good enough.
Marshall: (whipping) Not good enough!
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: (to a student) You... Why do you want to be an architect?
Student: I don't want to be an architect.
Ted: Yes, exactly. It's not something you want to be. It's something you need to be. You don't have a choice, right? None of you has a choice.
Everybody raise their hand.
Ted: No questions!
ROBIN'S APPARTMENT
Marshall: (reading the new note) "We're Barnman and Robin." (he laughs) Come on, you got to admit, that's kind of fun, Lily.
Lily: Not... good enough.
Marshall: (whipping) Not good enough!
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: So if any of you have even the slightest inclination to do anything with your life other than become an architect, you're wasting my time and yours. There's the door... You can go. I'm serious. Get out, now.
They are all about to leave.
Ted: Wait... Don't... all leave! Architecture's fun! Look! I brought a hacky sack!
Other professor: (coming into the classroom) Sorry I'm late, everyone. My name is Professor Calzonetti. This is Economics 305. You may return to your seats.
Ted: Sorry, sir. This is... Architecture 101. Who invited their dad, right?
Professor: Young man, for the last 28 years, Economics 305 has been taught right here in building 14, room 7.
Ted: Euh, yeah, but, I'm sure 200 architecture students and their professor all got the room wrong.
Student: T-Dawg, you're in the wrong room, bro.
Everybody laugh.
Ted runs to the right classroom.
Ted: Kids, out of my way! Sorry. Coming through. Excuse me. Coming through.
IN. ROBIN AND TED'S APPARTMENT
Ted is back, he has told Lily and Marshall about his first day.
Lily: 20 minutes late on your first day? That's rough.
Ted: Yeah, but here's the funny thing. By that point, I didn't have time to think about what kind of teacher I was going to be. I just got up there and talked about architecture. And it was kind of great.
Lily: That's awesome, Ted.
Marshall: Congratulations, buddy.
Ted: Thanks.
Robin: (from her room) Nice job, Ted.
Barney: (from Robin's room) Hey, Ted, door five! Were you there?
Ted: (to Barney) Yeah, I got you, buddy. (to Marshall and Lily) They still haven't had the talk?
Marshall: I think I know how to speed things up
A few minutes later.
Robin: Not cool!
Marshall is using a ventilator to bring smells in their room.
Marshall: Pancakes, fresh bacon. It is so yummy.
Robin: (to Barney) Dude, I'm starving. Let's... Let's just have the stupid talk. Come on.
Barney: Fine. But how do these things even work? What do we say?
Lily slips a note under the door.
Robin: (reading) Where do you see this relationship going? My God, that sounds so cheesy.
Barney: I know, right?
Robin: Totally. But hum... Where do you see this relationship going?
Barney: I don't know. I mean, it's not like I don't like you. I just haven't had a girlfriend
for a long time. I hope that doesn't make you mad.
Robin: Mad? I feel the same way. I suck at relationships. I mean, except with Ted. He really got it right. I know it's a cliché, but... he really ruined me for other men.
Ted (2030): Of course, I wasn't in the room for this conversation, but I have to imagine
Robin said something like that.
Barney: Maybe we should go back to being just friends.
Robin: Maybe. But hum... I don't want to stop having sex.
Barney: Good. Me, neither.
Robin: Friends isn't gonna work.
Barney: We're not good at being friends. We're not good at being in a relationship. What are we good at?
Robin: I know something we're good at.
Barney: I don't know. If we're gonna do it again, I'm gonna need some Gatorade...
Robin: No,not that. Lying. Think about it. We spent the whole summer lying about being just friends. Why not just keep lying?
They slip a note under the door. Lily takes it and read.
Lily: Really?
Robin: Really. We sat down. We had the talk. Barney's my boyfriend now.
Barney: And Robin's my girlfriend. I know it sounds nuts, but it feels good to say.
Robin: We're both afraid of commitment but... the fact is, we also can't live without each other.
Barney: And if the alternative is not being together, then it's worth taking this risk 'cause... she's awesome.
Robin: And he's awesome. He looks nice in a suit.
Barney: She can handle her Scotch.
Robin: He's my boyfriend.
Barney: And she's my girlfriend.
Lily unlocks the door and hugs them.
Marshall: (whipping) Good enough!
OUT. STREET
Robin: (leaving the building) She bought it.
Barney: Hook, line, and sinker. We are good.
Robin: Totally. So, you want to get some breakfast?
Barney: You know, brunch actually does sound kind of good.
Robin: Well, lead the way, sweetie pie.
Barney: Flugelhorn?
Robin: Yeah, that felt wrong.
Lily, Marshall and Robin watch them going away holding hands.
Ted: You do realize they were lying, right?
Lily: No, Ted, they don't realize they weren't lying.
IN. MC LAREN's
Marshall is coming, wearing a suit.
Marshall: Hello. Hello. Good evening. Hello. Don't get up. Didn't we meet on a yacht? Hello.
He sits next to Barney and Ted.
Marshall: What? Did I not tell you guys that it was Tuxedo Night? Doesn't feel very good, does it?
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x01 - Definitions"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
TED (2030): This is the story of two blind dates. One in 2009... And one seven years earlier. In all that time, my dating routine remained more or less the same... until the fall of 2009, when I finally had a date that was different. Because it was exactly the same. I was on a blind date with the same woman I went on a blind date with seven years earlier.
IN. JEN'S APPARTMENT 2002/2009 [Two years in the same screen]
Ted knocks on the door, she opens.
Jen: Ted?
Ted: Jen?
**2009**
Jen: It's nice to meet you.
Ted (2030): And she didn't remember it. But then again...
Ted: It's nice to meet you, too.
Ted (2030): Neither did I.
***GENERIC
IN. MC LAREN'S
Barney: Guess who just got four tickets to the "Origins of Chewbacca" Star Wars exhibit?
Lily: Why?
Barney: No, I said, "Guess who?"
Lily: I heard you.
Robin: Yeah, um, isn't it a little early in our relationship to do something that would end our relationship?
Marshall: What? No, what are you talking about? It can be our first double date as couples! And plus, it sounds awesome! Is the original Chewbacca going to be there?
Barney: Peter Mayhew, in the fur. Who's with me?
IN. TAXI
Marshall has accepted to go with Barney and they took a taxi.
Marshall: Hey, do you think they'll have Wookiee to English dictionaries there? I mean, even just an everyday phrase book would be helpful.
Barney: We're not going to the "Origins of Chewbacca" exhibit,Marshall. It's inHouston this year. Everyone knows that. I just wanted to get rid of the girls.
Marshall: Where are you taking me, Barney?
Ted (2030): This wasn't the first time your Uncle Barney had kidnapped one of us.
**FLASHBACK 4 YEARS EARLIER**
IN. TAXI
Ted: Wait a second, the "Origins of Chewbacca" exhibit's inMontreal this year. Everyone knows that. Where are you taking me?
Barney: My guy in the DA's office scored us front row seats to a lethal injection. But we're still stopping for chili dogs first.
Ted: Stop the cab.
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Marshall: Where are you taking me?
IN. STRIP CLUB
Marshall: Barney, why are we here?
Barney: Marshall, now that Robin and I are together, I've learned a lot about relationships by watching you and Lily.
Marshall: Thanks, man.
Barney: You're a terrible couple. Lily has taken all the man out of you. I used to think that's just every relationship. But what I've got with Robin proves that you can have a girlfriend and fully functioning male genitalia all at the same time.
Marshall: Okay, right. So, if Robin knew that you were here, she would be completely fine with it?
Barney: Are you kidding? She'd sprint down here with a purse full of singles and a poncho for the 10:30 Jell-O show. BT-Dub, I called ahead it's lime.
Ted (2030): Meanwhile, Jen and I were at my favourite first date restaurant... for the second time.
IN. RESTAURANT
Ted: So, Jen, what do you do?
Jen: I'm between jobs banking crisis.
**FLASHBACK 2002**
Jen: I'm between jobs Internet bubble burst. Makes me realize I should go into something more s*ab... like banking. So what about you?
Ted: I'm an architect. Hopefully, one day, I can use my own humble brush on the masterpiece that isManhattan's skyline.
** 2009**
Ted: I teach architecture. Get 50% off so, that's pretty sweet.
IN. STRIP CLUB
A striper comes up to Marshall.
Marshall: Married!
Barney: What is wrong with you? You're just looking. It's like fantasizing about other women. It's harmless. Wait. Don't tell me you don't fantasize about other women.
Marshall: I do! It's just not that easy.
Barney: False! I once fantasized about that silhouette chick you see on a truck's mudflaps. Took me less than a mile.
Marshall: Not everyone is you, okay, Barney? Even when I do start to have a dirty thought like that... it seems so much like cheating on Lily, that I feel guilty. So first, I need to have a different fantasy.
**MARSHALL'S FANTASY**
Lily starts to hiccup. Marshall took her to the hospital.
Doctor: Bad news. Lily has a rare and fatal hiccup disorder that's apparently medical illegitimate.
Marshall : What?! How could this be?!
Doctor: Beats me, but it says it right here on this doctor clipboard that doctors have.
6 months later, Lily is still in the hospital.
Lily: It's time, baby.
Marshall: I will never love again.
Lily: No,Marshall, you must. And after an appropriate number of years, you should find someone else. Someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time. And plow her like a cornfield.
Then she dies.
At the funeral, the priest speaks.
Priest: And so,Marshall, to honour Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time and plow her like a cornfield.
And after an appropriate number of years, someone knocks at the door.
Delivery girl: Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall: (kissing his hand and looking up and ) This one's for you Lily. (to the delivery girl, opening his shirt) Where do I sign?
**END OF FANTASY**
Marshall: And then watch out, because it is on!
Barney: That is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Dude, Lily gets you in real life She has no business in your fantasies.
Marshall: It's all I know, okay? I can't, I can't help it.
Barney: I accept your invitation. Marshall Eriksen, from this day forward, I will be the wingman of your mind. Now, focus on the next dancer. Put Lily completely out of your mind.
Voice: Gentlemen, say hello J-J-J-Jasmine.
The striper looks like Lily.
Marsahll: Barney? Is it just me or does that stripper look exactly like...?
Barney, excited, calls Ted on the phone.
Barney: Ted, we found a stripper who looks exactly like Lily!
Ted: Yeah, I can't talk right now.
Barney: I'm speechless, too. Everything's as perky as we've always imagined!
Marshall: Stop looking at her.
Ted: Uh, look, I got to go. Take a picture.
Barney: Oh, I will. But first, I'm going to makeMarshall watch as I wedge Ulysses S. Grant between his wife's tatas.
Marshall: (hitting him) I'll k*ll you!
IN. RESTAURANT
Ted: (hanging up his cellular) Sorry about that.
Jen: So, any thoughts on food?
**2002**
Ted: Yeah, do you wanna share the oysters?
Jen: I would love to share the oysters.
Ted: Good. 'Cause if you didn't......that would be mighty shellfish.
Jen: Wow, that's bad.
Ted: That's why it's funny!
**2009**
Ted and Jen: We've been on this date before.
Ted: We've been on this exact blind date before.
Jen: In this exact same restaurant.
Ted: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that blind date went too well.
Jen: Me neither. I remember thinking that you were a little snobby.
Ted: Wait, you... You dressur cats up in weird costumes.
Jen: They're not weird. See, you're being snobby again.
Ted: Oh, my God. Do you realize what this means? Since our first date, we've done a complete lap of all the single people inNew York only to end up back here, with each other.
Jen: Whoa. We're going to die alone, aren't we?
Ted: Well, you've got your cats.
They chuckle.
Jen: This is insane.
Ted: Wait, I got to ask. Why did you think I was snobby?
Jen: Wait... Okay... yeah, we were sitting over there... (showing a table)
**2002**
Ted laughs, reading the menu.
Ted: Main Lobster. They spelled "Maine" without the "e." Good to know we're not getting the crappy understudy lobsters, right? Tonight, the role of pound-and-a-half lobster will be played by...
Jen: I get it, Ted.
**2009**
Jen: Pointing out spelling errors in a menu makes you seem kind of snooty.
Ted: Huh. I had no idea.
Jen: Okay, well, what about me? Aside from the cats, how did I come across?
Ted: That's right-- the check. The check came and, of course, I was going to pay, but you didn't do the check dance.
**2002**
The waiter brings the check. Ted takes it and Jen don't even look at it.
**2009**
Ted ; Guys want to wave the girl off and, you know, look like a big sh*t.
Jen: Huh. I had no idea.
Ted: This is good. We're learning stuff. You know what we should do? We should retrace the rest of that night and figure out what else we do wrong on first dates. 'Cause let's be honest, we are scaring people off, Jen.
Jen: We really are. Okay, I'm in.
Ted: Great.
Jen: Where'd we go next?
Ted: I think we went to MacLaren's.
Jen: Okay.
They rise up.
Jen: Hey, I didn't really talk about my cats that much, did I?
**2002**
Jen: And then, there's Tabby-gail Adams, the jester of the group.
**2009**
Jen: Tone down the kitty talk. Check.
They leave the restaurant.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Barney: You will not believe who we saw tonight.
Marshall: Dude, um...
Barney: We saw the third doppelganger!
Ted (2030): I should explain. Over the years we had spotted two strangers who looked exactly like
members of our group.
**FLASHBACK**
OUT. STEET
Barney: Hey, hey, hey, hey! (showing a girl who spits on the ground)
Ted (2030): Lesbian Robin.
OUT. OTHER STREET
The group sees a photo in a bus.
Ted (2030): And Moustache Marshall. By the following summer, we would find the remaining two doppelgangers. But I'll get to that.
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Barney: Ladies, meet Stripper Lily. (showing a photo in his cellular)
Lily: Oh!
Barney: Yeah, I couldn't get her face in it. But she looks just like you.
Lily: So you went to a strip club?
Barney: Busted.
Lily: And there was a stripper who looked exactly like me?
Marshall: Okay, babe, look, before you get mad, let me...
Lily: Awesome! I bet the guys were going crazy. Oh, I bet they wanted to touch her so bad. But all you can do is look, unless you go into the back room, but honey, you got to pay for that.
Robin: So... Strip club.
Barney: Marshall made me go.
OUT. STREET
Ted: All right, so what did I do wrong next? Let me have it. I'm here to learn.
Jen: Well, I kept telling you I was cold, but you didn't offer me your jacket.
**2002**
Jen: It's a little brisk out tonight, huh?
Ted: Not really.
Jen: Really? I can't feel my fingers.
Ted: I'm pretty impervious to stuff like that.
**2009**
Ted: I couldn't admit I was cold. I didn't want to seem like a wimp compared to your action hero ex-boyfriend who you wouldn't stop talking about.
**2002**
Jen: After a day of fighting fires, Jim would love to come home and unwind working on his '68 Camaro. That or bare-knuck boxing, which he learned in the Marine Corps.
Ted: I had an aunt in the Coast Guard.
**2002**
Jen: Okay, so no talking about the ex. Not even about his shockingly small wiener?
Ted: See? Why didn't you lead off with that?
IN. MC LAREN'S
Lily: Was there a shower on stage? Sometimes there's a shower on stage. I bet stripper me would get in there with another girl and just go bananas.
Barney: See,Marshall? We got to have a bros' night at a strip club and both of our ladies are totally cool with it.
Robin: I'm not cool with it.
Barney: Because they understand that it's healthy for us to do that from time to time.
Robin: It's disgusting.
Barney: Because it's harmless.
Robin: Did one of your whores tell you that?
Barney: And, Lil,Marshall shouldn't have to go to so much trouble just to have an innocent fantasy.
Lily: Trouble? What trouble?
Marshall: It's, no, it's nothing.
Barney: Marshall, tell her. We're all friends here.
Robin: No, we're not.
Marshall: Lily, Sometimes I think about other women. Okay, it happens. But even when I do, I feel so guilty that I have to imagine you... passing away first, because even in a fantasy world, I could never cheat on you. You're... you're just my life, baby. And I love you.
Lily: You k*ll me off?! I mean, fantasize about other girls all you want, but could you maybe not m*rder me?!
Marshall: m*rder?! No! I, baby-no. You develop a chronic illness! I spare no expense for your care! I even stand up a foundation in your name. We're, like, this close to a cure.
OUT. STREET
Ted: Remember? (showing the Mc Laren's bar)
Jen: Oh, yeah! I do remember. We went in here for a drink with your friends. Who I loved... Or hated, depending on whether you're still friends with them.
Ted: You loved them.
Jen: They're family, Ted.
Ted: Let's go in and see what they remember. And they are my best friends, so don't be surprised if they suddenly "can't think" of anything I do wrong.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Robin: Did he juggle? Bad puns? Mmm. Expect a standing ovation for picking up a $19 check
Lily: Oh, let's not forget the menu typo gold mine. Keep pannin' that river, buddy.
Marshall: Well, it is a lot cheaper than buying a condom. Oh!
Jen: Actually you know what it was? I remember him coming across as kind of a player.
Ted: Me?
All the other: Ted?
Jen: Yeah. We were all sitting over there... (showing a table)
**2002**
Jen: And here's a picture of my cats dressed up like Batman villains. You got the Joker, the Riddler, Mr. Freeze...
Lily: What about Cat Woman?
Jen: Yeah, that would've been good.
Barney: Psst! Ted! (showing a girl with his head)
Ted: (looking at the girl) Nice.
**2009**
Ted: Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no! I remember that. I was not checking out a girl.
**2002**
Barney ; Psst, Ted. (showing a Moustache Marshall with his head)
Ted: Nice.
**2009**
Ted: We were checking out Moustache Marshall.
The other: Ah...
Jen: Gosh, I thought you were such a jerk. I'm so sorry.
Ted: Yeah, well, it's nice to know "past me" wasn't a total jackass, huh?
Jen: "Present you" isn't so bad, either.
OUT. ROOFTOP OF TED'S BUILDING
Jen: Thank you very much.
Ted: You got it.
Jen: Yes. Oh, yeah! I remember this.
**2002**
Ted: ...and there's theChryslerBuilding. And the Empire State Building. And at 12:00, a rotund couple going at it against the glass.
Jen: Aww... That's kind of sweet. Oh, look. Snack break.
Ted: Good for them. Letting a guy eat pizza off your back, that's love. So, um... I know this wasn't the best
first date of all time, but, uh, I'm glad we stuck it out.
Jen: Me, too.
They kiss.
**2009**
Ted: That was really great. Wh... What went wrong?
Jen: I remember now.
**2002**
Jen: (after the kiss) Wow.
Ted: Yeah. So would you maybe, um... want to go out again?
Jen: Yeah, I, I would. Will you call me?
Ted: Absolutely.
Jen: Promise?
Ted: Promise.
**2009**
Ted: I have been so busy.
Jen: Good night, Ted.
She's leaving when her phone rings.
Jen: Hello?
Ted: Jen, I sorry. Look, I know I'm seven years late with this call, but I was an idiot back then. You saw the goatee. The truth is, I had a great time tonight, and I'd love to see you again.
Jen: Ted, there are two kinds of guys. The guys that you want to call you, who don't; and the guys you don't want to call you, who always do. And somehow, right now, you're both.
IN. MC LAREN's
Lily: Baby... You should be able to fantasize about another woman without feeling guilty, or you know, k*lling me off.
Marhsall: I wish that I could, but I've been doing this for so long, I'm all confused about death and sex. It's gotten to the pot where every time I drive past a cemetery, I'm sportin' a partial.
Lily: All right, we got to fix this.
IN. STRIP CLUB
Lily: Okay, when Stripper Lily gets out here, you have my permission to fantasize about her. And since she's basically me, maybe you won't feel guilty.
Marshall: Thanks, baby. I'm-I'm so lucky I have you. And stripper you.
Lily: Bring out Stripper Lily!
Barney: (to Robin) You know, I don't come here that much.
Waitress: Hey, Barney. He's the usual and I'll send over the other usual as soon as she's done stretching.
Barney: Thank you, kindly stranger.
Voice: Ladies and gentlemen... Oh, hey, Barney. Didn't see you come in. I'll load up some AC/DC for you, buddy. Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for J-J-Jasmine.
Jasmine starts her show.
Lily: I am hot! Oh, crawl for it, stripper me.I is awesome. Baby, can I get another hundred?
Marshall: That was a hundred?
Lily: Wow, she crawls fast.
OUT. ROOFTOP
Ted: Look, Jen, I wish I could go back and talk some sense into 2002 Ted, but that guy's a lost cause. He's 24. He thinks a little facial hair makes him look like John Depp. And he has no idea what a great girl he's missing out on. But I've learned a lot since then. I've learned a lot tonight.
Jen: The only thing that we've learned is that, seven years ago, it was mistake for us to go out. And I guess it was a mistake for us to go out tonight.
Ted: No, it wasn't. I had a great time tonight. And seven years ago, if you think about it, we didn't miss by that much. If a couple things had gone a little bit differently... who knows what
would have happened?
Ted imagines: She wants to pay the restaurant. He offers her his jacket. They takes pictures with Moustache Marshall. He calls her after their date. They marry.
Jen: Wow.
Marshall: Wow.
STRIP CLUB
Barney: You are the best. My girlfriend is at a strip club with me and she couldn't care less.
Robin: I do care, Barney. Look, we're dating now, okay? That changes things. We have to have a serious talk about this.
Barney: Just the best.
Marshall: Hey. Girlfriend trouble? I wish I could help, but my unbelievably cool wife just bought us a private dance with her stripper body double. So if you need me, I'll be getting grinded like some pepper, in theChampagne room.
Barney: Just the best.
OUT. ROOFTOP
Jen: ... now what?
Ted: I just remembered why I didn't call you.
Jen: Why?
Ted: I can't believe I'm gonna screw this up again, but, um... I like finding typos in menus.
Jen: What?
Ted: And I know my shellfish pun is stupid but the truth... I'm not suddenly gonna stop making stupid jokes.
Jen: Now that you mention it... I'm never going to stop talking about my cats. They're funny and adorable and totally worth having to take six Benadryl a day.
Ted: Shouldn't we hold out for the person who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks, but actually kind of likes them? Even if it means finding ourselves on another blind date with each other, seven years from now?
Jen: Oh, dear God, I hope that doesn't happen.
Ted: Well... good luck out there, Jen.
Jen: You too, Ted. You'll find your shellfish lady.
Ted (2030): And kids, when I told your mother that shellfish joke, she did laugh. And I swear, it was only, like, 30% pity.
IN. STRIP CLUB
Jasmine is on the stage, but is not doing very well. Lily is coming near Marshall.
Marshall: Hey, Lil. Looks like, uh, Jasmine's having a hard time getting out of those boots.
Lily: (smoking and looking weird) What did you say, buddy?
Marshall: Lily?
Lily: Who? Oh, yes... I am this Lily. We married long time. May I have monies for shopping?
Marshall: (going on the stage) Lily!
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x02 - Double Date"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Kids, your uncle Barney had been called a lot of names over the years.
**SEVERAL FLASHBACK**
Girl 1: (throwing her glass to his face) Jerk!
**
Girl 2: (throwing her glass to his face) Bastard!
**
Girl 3: Barack Obama Jr.?!
Barney: Mm-hmm. And yes... we can.
Ted (2030): But there's one name none of us ever expected to hear him called.
2009 TED'S APARTMENT
Robin: Boyfriend. Barney Stinson is my boyfriend. I've said it, like, a hundred times it still sounds weird to say.
Ted: Well, anything sounds weird if you say it a hundred times. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl.
Lily: But other than that, things are good?
Ted: Bowl. Bowl.
Robin: I don't know. I think Barney's been single for too long.
Ted: Bowl.
Robin: Like, the other night, I wake up at 4:00 a.m
Ted: Bowl.
**FLASHBACK**
ROBIN'S BEDROOM
Robin: Barney, are you awake? Barney?
He tries to escape by the window.
Robin: Barney. This is not a one-night stand. We're dating. Come back to bed.
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Ted: Bowl.
Robin: That's happened three times.
Ted: Bowl.
Robin: And it's not just that, it's other things.
**FLASHBACK**
Barney enters into to apartment and see Robin crying.
Barney: Hey. What's wrong?
Robin: (crying) It was just one thing after another at work today, and then... (sniffling) I found out my aunt's in the hospital. I'm just, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and it's just...
Barney: Shh, shh, shh. What you need to do is talk through this stuff.
Robin: Oh, thanks.
Barney: And then, once you're off the phone with Lily, I'll be down in the bar ready to have sex. Mm-kay?
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Ted: Bowl.
Robin: Look, I'm not the touchy-feely-est person in the world, but... a little more effort would be nice.
Ted: Bowl. Bowl.
Robin: I understand.
Ted: Bowl.
Lily: I guess, in a lot of ways, Barney doesn't stack up.
Ted: Bowl. Bowl.
Lily: I mean, you've had some pretty incredible boyfriends.
Ted: (at various pitches) Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl.
Robin: No, that's not it.
Ted: Bowl.
Robin: I don't know.
Ted: Bowl
Robin: Maybe he just doesn't have it in him.
Ted: Bowl. Bowl.
Robin: Maybe is whole thing's a big mistake.
Ted: Bowl?
IN. MC LAREN'S
Barney: She really said that?
Ted: And she meant it. Trust me. I dated Robin for a year-- if you don't want to lose her, you gotta try a little harder. Be more attentive to where she is emotionally. You know, just be present.
Barney: Yes, totally. Yeah. Only thing, and this is just me--
Ted: Mm-hmm.
Barney: I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!
Ted (2030): But then a funny thing happened. Over the next couple weeks, Barney was thoughtful, considerate, sweet. In short, the perfect boyfriend. Which, to Robin, meant only one thing.
IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Robin: He's cheating on me.
Lily: What?!
Robin: Why else would he buy me flowers? He's gettin' some on the side.
Lily: Oh, come on, Robin. Barney's not the type of guy who would... Go on.
Robin: Plus, he keeps saying he's working late. But when I call his office, they say he left hours ago.
Lily: Well, that doesn't prove anything.
Robin: Yes. Proof. Go word. I'm glad you brought that up. Barney's briefcase. He forgot it here this morning. (taking Barney's briefcase).
Lily: And what do you plan on doing with it?
Robin: We, we-- you and I-- are going to open it up and look for evidence. Ted probably has a sledgehammer around here somewhere.
Lily: No! Stop! Stop! Eye contact. Listen to me. Robin Scherbatsky is many things: friend, confidant, occasional guest star in some confusing dreams that remind me a woman's sexuality is a moving target. But she is no crazy, jealous stalker-bitch. (snatching the briefcase) Let go.
Marshall opens the door and enters into the apartment.
Marshall: Hey, I've been down in the basement storage area going through all the stuff that Lily and I left behind when we moved out. I'm Robin. We should've cleared it out for you much sooner.
Robin: There's a basement storage area?
Marshall: Oh, you're not upset. Good. Baby, guess what I found.
He brings a big barrel.
Lily: Oh, that's great, honey.
Robin: What the hell is that?
Lily: Marshall got it in college. He used it as a nightstand for years.
Marshall: Until we found out that Lily was allergic to barrel resin
Robin: (slowly) Barrel resin?
Lily: Just go with it.
Robin: So you need a hand throwing it out?
Marshall: No, I'm not... I'm not just going to throw her out, okay? Mabel's like family.
Robin: So, um, what are you gonna do with Mabel?
Marshall: I want to give her away, um, to a lucky new owner. Do you know anyone?
Robin: Yeah, hmm, let me think. Do I know any rodeo clowns? Oh, that's weird, I do. But even Lenny wouldn't go near that mess.
Marshall: Well, he's not going to have the chance, because I am putting old Mabel in the Bermuda Triangle.
Ted ( 2030): The Bermuda Triangle was the name we'd given years earlier to the curb right in front of our building. Whenever we wanted to give something away, we'd put it right there. It was uncanny.
Marshall: This is so exciting. Right now there's some out there who has no idea that tonight they're going home with just... just the best barrel.
Robin: Well, let's just hope they're not allergic to barrel sin like Lily here.
Lily: (to Robin) Be cool, baby. Damn! (toMarshall who is leaving with his barrel) See you, sweetie. Good luck.
Marshall: Bye, babe.
Lily: Now, can we please get out of here?
Robin: Yeah. I'll grab my coat.
Robin hits the briefcase with a big hammer.
Robin: Oops.
She opens it and look at the documents
Lily: A college notebook?!
Robin: Oh, my God, he's cheating on me with some college girl. I knew there was a skank but I thought she'd at least be dumb.(reading the notebook) "Birthday: July 23.Favorite hockey team: the Vancouver Canucks. Age: 29, but tells people that she's 26." Oh, my God,these are notes about me. Or some 29-year-old version of me.
Marsahll comes back, excited.
Marshall: I hope I'm not too late! I want to see the look of joy on the new owner's face!
He runs to the window and takes binoculars.
Marshall: She's still there! Okay Mabel, let's find you a new home. Here comes a guy! And he... he just walked, walked right on by it. He's probably rushing home to get a handcart or something. Yeah! Hey, better hurry up, pal. What are you guys doing with Barney's secret Robin notebook? Let me rephrase that. Did you two ladies lose some weight?
Lily: What do you know about this,Marshall?
Robin: Why would Barney have a notebook full of information about me?
Marshall: Well...
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted (2030): The truth was...Barney was taking a night school class taught... by me.
Ted: Welcome to Robin 101.
IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Robin: Why is Ted teaching a class about me? It all started a few weeks ago.
**FLASHBACK**
IN. MC LAREN'S
Barney: ...rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!
He leaves but come back immediately.
Barney: Stinson back in. Say, hypothetically, I did want to change who I am to become a better boyfriend to Robin, which I do not! What kind of changes are we talking about?
Ted: Why, I mean, there's just so much you need to know about her. Okay, for starters, don't ever cry in front her.
Barney: Okay.
Ted: And whatever you do, don't cry in front of her four times.
Robin arrives.
Robin: Hey, guys. What you talking about?
Barney and Ted: Fantasy football.
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Marshall: They realized they couldn't talk about this stuff at the bar, and since you live with Ted, they had to find someplace safe. So... Ted's classroom.
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: "How To Date Robin Scherbatsky." Lesson one. Now, even though she puts up a tough exterior, what Robin really wants, deep down...
Barney: I'm bored.
Ted: You said you wanted my help.
Barney: Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?
Ted: We did that ready.
Barney: No, like, really big boobs.
Ted: No. Look, I need this, too. I've only been a professor a few weeks. Being up here, it's, it's good practice for me.
Barney: Can we have class outside?
Ted: No! What Robin really wants deep down...
Cell phone chimes.
Ted: Barney!
Barney: What? I'm tweeting about you. You should be flattered. How do you spell blah-blah-blah- "H's" or no?
Ted: Wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you?
Barney: They said I had A-D... something. Can we have class outside?
Ted: Barney, I'm only gonna say this once, so listen up. I love you and I love Robin. And I want to make this work. So if you give me a few weeks of attention, I could give you a lifetime of happiness. Can you do that for me?
Barney: Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated for 70% off the cover price? Can we have class outside? I got to find a way to reach this kid.
IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Lily: (reading) "Class number two."
Robin: "Top Ten Robin Scherbatsky Facial Expressions and Their Meaning."
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted makes a projection of a photo of Robin.
Ted: Now, notice the vacant eyes, the pale, queasy expression, suggesting nausea. What do these mean?
Barney: You guys just had sex? Oh! Wasn't me.
Ted: Dude! I worked really hard on these slides, okay? Can we just...
Barney: Okay.
Ted: This look is hunger. If you ever see Robin looking like this, get some food in her quick,or one of two things will happen. One: weird, out-of-context laughter. (changing the photo) Or two: spontaneously falling to sleep in strange places. But the most important facial expression of all?
He changes the photo but it is not one of Robin, it's a building.
Barney: That's a building.
Ted: Oh... (chuckling) That's for my class. TheFlatironBuilding. Fun story about it. It was designed byChicago's Daniel Burnham in the beaux arts style; this architectural gem...
Barney: Dude!
Ted: Right. The most important facial expression of all.
He changes for the right photo.
Barney: Whoa...
Ted: Flared nostril ridges. Wide, unblinking eyes. If you ever, ever see this face, Barney, run. And don't take a picture of it. She will punch you. And you will cry... for the third time... that night. Which brings us to an important point: defusing the b*mb.
IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Robin: "Defusing the b*mb"? What does that even mean?
Lily: (reading) "Three Topics To Distract Robin From Being Mad At You."
Robin: "Distract" me? Oh, that is so condescending. These guys are really starting to piss me off!
Lily: "Immediately switch the conversation To one of the following, "unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes."
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: One. "Vancouver Canucks 2004 Division Title."
IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Robin: What?! That's not distracting. That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team that prevailed despite very shaky goal ending and, frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden.
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: Two: "Proper g*n Cleaning and Maintenance."
IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Robin: You have to clean your g*n. My uncle had a filthy old g*n, blew both his thumbs off trying to sh**t a beaver. You want to distract someone, make them watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob.
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: Three: "Emperor Penguins."
IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Robin: Did you know that before intercourse, the male and female emperor penguins bow to each other? Mr. Penguin (bowing). Mrs. Penguin (boxing). Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy. ( she laugs) What were we talking about?
Marshall (looking out the window): Uh-oh. Looks like we got a taker. Oh, come on, dude. You know you want to A guy like you, beard, no mustache. You're exactly the kind of guy who could use a sweet barrel. Do it. (a dog pees on the barrel) No. No. That's not a f*re hydrant! What...
For shame, Sir. For shame! I bet you couldn't even grow a mustache if you wanted to.
Lily: Neither can you, sweetie.
Marshall: Well, he doesn't know that, baby! God!
Robin: Ted's only teaching Barney horrible things about me.
Lily: I don't know. Check this out. This is actually kind of sweet.
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: Now, we all know Robin's not what you'd call "touchy-feely." She doesn't say, "I love you," like a normal person. Instead, she'll laugh, shake her head, give you a little smile and say, "You're an idiot."
Barney: "You're an idiot"?
Ted: Yup. If she tells you you're an idiot, you're a lucky man. And if she does say "I love you," she's already broken up with you in her mind.
IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Lily: I think 's nice that Ted knows you that well.
Robin: Ah, well, too bad it's next to a page entitled...
In. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: "Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones." Right knee-- ticklish. Left knee...
**FLASHBACK 2006**
IN. ROBIN AND TED'S ROOM
They are in bed.
Ted: Does lefty like that?
She moans.
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Ted: Oh, yeah...lefty like that.
Barney: I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby. That's like taking fashion advice from... well, Ted Mosby.
IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Lily: Oh, here's a good one. "Top Five Things Never to Do Around Robin."
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: Three: "Never, ever play the 'Guess Who' game with her."
Barney: What do you mean?
**FLASHBACK SPRING 2006**
Ted: (arriving behind Robin and putting his hands over her eyes) Guess who?
She screams and she makes him falling down.
Ted: (afraid) It's me! It's me! It's me!
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Ted: Number four: "Unless you want to see it 80 times a day, for the next month, never show Robin a YouTube clip of an animal playing a musical instrument."
Barney is sleeping in his chair.
Ted: Barney! Do you have a problem with this class?
Barney: Yeah, it's boring as hell and I'm not learning anything.
Ted: Uh, well, maybe the problem is your attitude. You're not listening to a word I say.
Barney: Uh-huh. Uh, can you hear this, Professor? (showing is thumb down) Or should I turn it up for you? (he turns it up).
Ted (2030): It may not have been a thumbs-up, kids.
Ted: Oh, you think you're not learning anything, huh? Okay. Pop quiz.
Barney: What...
Ted: When Robin's PMS-ing, what kind of chocolate should you get her?
Barney: Trick question. Get her butterscotch.
Ted: Correct! Why?
Barney: Butterscotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women.
Ted: Correct! What is Robin's dream job?
Barney: To become the most successful female TV journalist of all time.
Ted: Correct! And if she achieves that, will she truly be happy?
Barney: No! Robin's deep-seated need for attention can traced back to her father's emotional distance, and no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs, which is six simple words from her Dad: "Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?"
Ted: Yes! But I guess you're right. You haven't learned anything. Sorry to have wasted your time.
He leaves.
Barney: "Oh, Captain! My Captain!"
Ted turns.
Ted: How good was d*ad Poet's Society?
Barney: I know, right? The end? Tears.
IN ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Robin: (closing the book) Okay, can I just say that my deepest need in life not to have my father to say, "I am proud of you, eh?"
Marshall: So why are you crying now?
Robin: I'm not crying.
Lily: (hugging her) Oh, sweetie. Can I get you some butterscotch?
Robin: Oh, stop it.
She sighs. And look again in the book.
Robin: Wait a second. It says here that the class meets at 6:15 on Tuesday.
Lily: So?
Robin: That's right now.
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: Now, as you can see, well over 50% of the blankets have been dragged onto her side. Make no mistake. Robin Scherbatsky is a classic, textbook... cover hog. Any questions?
Robin, Lily and Marshall come into the class.
Robin: Yeah, I have one.
Ted: Yes, Robin?
Ted and Barney both gasp.
Ted: (to barney) Flared nostril ridges. Wide, unblinking eyes. Uh-oh.
Barney: I got this. So, emperor penguins-- crazy, huh?
Robin: What the hell do you two think you're doing?
Barney: Marshall, did you sells out?
Marshall: I was vulnerable, I said good-bye to a very dear friend today.
Robin: Dude, it's a barrel!
Ted: Aw! You're giving Mabel away?
Robin: I have so many questions. Why would you do this? What were you thinking? Who the hell is that guy? (showing a guy in the classroom).
Ted: Oh, that's Shin-Ya. He's sort of been auditing the class.
Robin: "Auditing"?
Ted: Well, tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class, but I don't think he speaks much English.
Barney: On the bright side, he came in handy standing in for you during the role-playing exercises.
Robin: Wait. You did role-playing exercises where I was played by Shin-Ya?
Shin-Ya: (speaking Chinese) They made me wear a wig, It was very demeaning.
Robin: You know, I can't believe you, Ted. You actually think you're some kind of an expert on me?
Barney: Hey! He is an expert. He's a great teacher!
Lily: (sneezing): Kiss ass.
Robin: You know, half the stuff in this notebook is patently wrong.
Ted: Uh, really? Name one wrong thing.
Robin: "Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones"? Let me clear something up for you, Ted.
** FLASHBACK 2006**
Ted: Does lefty like that?
Robin: (embarassed) Oh. Yeah...
Ted: Don't wanna leave out the righty.
Robin: Oh, uh, no. Um, the right one's ticklish, I guess. But the left one, yeah, I'm glad you're back there. Because that is just some sweet, sweet lovin'.
Ted: Noted.
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Ted: That was a lie?
Robin: We had just started dating. I was being nice.
Barney laughs
Robin: (to Barney) And you. You know, I got it into my head this week that you were cheating on me. I even broke open your briefcase to look for evidence.
Barney: That is a huge violation of my privacy! Go on.
Robin: You know, in a way, I was right. You cheated. You can't get some crib sheet on dating me. That's not how it works. If we didn't figure out how to be with each other in a real, honest way, I don't see the point of even trying.
She leaves.
IN MC LAREN'S
Robin is sitting alone when Ted is arriving.
Robin: What do you want?
Ted: Look. All that stuff I told Barney... It was personal between you and me. I'm really sorry.
Robin: I guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.
Ted: It's funny. When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is and then, when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just liked the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know?
Robin: Well, since you know me pretty well... am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?
Ted: I don't know. I will say this, though. I've seen Barney work very hard to get women. I've seen him work very hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was going to give him an A. Well, B+ -- Shin-Ya kind of screwed up the curve.
EXT. STREET DEHIND TED'S BUILDING
Barney is sitting on the stairs, Robin comes to him.
Barney: Hey. Before you say anything, I am done with this stupid Robin 101, okay? Here, I'll get rid of the notebook. (he throws it on the barrel) But there's... there's something that I did want to say to you. Robin, I have been with a lot of women, blondes, brunettes, redheads, big boobs, small
boobs, medium boobs, some boobs that were big, but kind of in a bad way. The point is-- boobs that pointed in opposite direc--the point is...I'm really scared that you're going to dump me and that's why I did this and I'm sorry.
Robin: You're an idiot.
She kisses him.
Robin: You know...
Barney: Hmm?
Robin: That notebook, um, does contain a lot of personal info, and I think it has my home address.
Barney: And your work address.
They turn to take the notebook but it has disappeared.
Barney: Whoa.
Marsahll: (upstais, lookin gout the window) Hey, guys! If you don't want the barrel, can you sit somewhere else? You're scaring away potential takers.
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: Designed byChicago's Daniel Burnham in the beaux arts style, this architectural gem was the first of its kind...
Student: Uh, Professor Mosby?
Ted: Yes, Susan?
Student: That's a woman drinking beer on the toilet.
It was a photo of Robin, not a building.
Ted: Right. That-That... was Daniel Burnham's wife. She was a troubled, troubled woman. We are moving on.
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x03 - Robin 101"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): It was the Fall of 2009 and I was a professor now. So I decided to change my look a little bit. And people were noticing.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Barney: Ah, tweed. Textile of the eunuch.
Marshall: You know, I've always wondered why those tweed jackets have elbow patches.
Barney: Because the people who wear them are constantly going, "Aw, geez, why can't I get laid?"
Marshall laughs.
Ted: You are wrong. The ladies dig the professor look.
Robin: You know, there is something to that. I remember thinking my tenth grade math teacher was very sexy. I wonder if Harold's still in jail. What? Tax evasion. Among other things.
Lily: So guys, Marshall and I wanted to invite you to our place for a little couples' night.
Robin: Uh, sure. Why not?
Ted (2030): For years, Marshall and Lily had been the only married couple in a group full
of single people. It got lonely, so they were always searching for another couple to double-date. There was only one problem.
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL' S HOME
The doorbell rings, they open the door.
Lily: Welcome.
Marshall: (holding a tray)Gouda?
Ted (2030): They sucked at it.
Lily and Marshall, sitting in the sofa, laughs while the other couple is bored.
Lily: This is great. We're having fun. You're having fun, right?
Marshall: So, should we just go ahead and lock the four of us in for new year's?
Guy: Um, it's April.
Marshall: Right. Sorry. We're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's talk Thanksgiving.
Lily: Our parents really want to meet you!
Another day, with another couple who is bored.
Guy: Well, we should probably be going.
Marshall: Wait. But, wait, if you leave now, Colonel mustard just gets away with it.
Woman: It's getting pretty late. We're going to go.
Lily: (blocking their way) There's still pie.
Another day, with another couple who is also bored.
Marshall: Tonight was fantastic. We should do it again.
Man: I'm sorry, Marshall, but g*n and I are just not that into you. And you.
Ted (2030): But just when Lily and Marshall were about to give up, two of their best friends in the world got together. And hope returned to their hearts.
Lily: (flashback when she saw Robin and Barney kissing) Wohoo!
Ted (2030): So when Lily said...
Lily: Marshall and I wanted to invite you to our place for a little couples' night.
Robin: Um, sure, why not?
Ted (2030): Barney and Robin had no idea what they were about to walk into.
Lily and Marshall are preparing the couples' night.
Lily: Okay. Game time. Let's review the flow of the room. (moving in the room) Barney and Robin enter here. Stop here for margaritas. That's a great conversation starter. We can tell them about nour trip to Cabo.
Marshall: Great, 'cause I got that story about Sammy Hagar Anthe Belgian waffle locked and loaded.
Lily: Then we'll move on to the hot apps station. And, depending on how things are going, Some lively pre-dinner charades.
Marshall: Right, but, uh, we'll play that one by... (showing his ears)
Lily: Sounds like?
Marshall: Okay, you can be Robin's partner.
The doorbell rings.
Lily: Oh... Baby, we can do this.
They open the door.
Lily: Welcome.
Marshall: Gouda?
Ted (2030): Meanwhile, my half-baked theory that ladies dig the professor look was actually proving to be true.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Girl: So is it hard to grade papers?
Ted: No, you've just got to make it fun. For example, uh, every time I spot a grammatical error, I do a sh*t. I'm trashed right now, and I blame our public school system.
Ted (2030): Sometimes things just seem to magically fall into place.
Girl: So, you said you live right upstairs...
Ted (2030): Whether it's in the dating world...
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL' S HOME
Lily: Take care. Bye.
Robin and Barney leave.
Ted (2030): Or the double-dating world.
Lily: Nailed it!
Marshall: Best night ever!
Barney: (in the corridor) Worst night ever.
Robin imitates a g*n.
***GENERIC
IN. TED' S APARTMENT
Ted: Hey, how was the big couples' night with Marshall and Lily?
Robin: Brutal.
Ted: Really? How?
Barney: It was like we were on a date with a sad, chubby girl our mom made us call.
Robin: And they were so nervous, that they weren't even making sense half of the time.
IN. MARSHALL AND LILY'S HOME
Robin and Barney just arrived for the couples' night.
Lily: Hey. Come on in. Would you like a margarita?
Marshall: In Cabo, I saw Sammy Hagar eating a Belgian waffle!
IN. TED'S APARTMENT
Barney: And they kept shoving platters of food in our faces.
Ted: Let me guess: Did Marshall get, like, super intense about the cheese?
Robin: Yeah, how'd you know?
Ted: Poor Marshall., Lily's this gourmet cook, and all she letsMarshall do ss pick out one sad block of cheese.
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL'S HOME
Lily: That's prosciutto-wrapped melon.
Marshall: You guys are going to want to get in on thisgouda.
Lily: That's seared scallops with a mango chutney.
Marshall: Seriously, don't sleep on thegouda.
Lily: And that's Lobster ravioli in a black truffle oil.
Marshall: Ooh...Tick-tock goes thegouda clock.
Barney: Um, we-we-we didn't realize there was gonna be dinner. We sucked down a couple tacos outside the subway.
Robin: P.S., not sitting great.
IN. TED'S APARTMENT
Barney: And if anything didn't go according to plan, they would freak out.
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL'S HOME
Marshall is trying to run the egg timer.
Lily: What do you mean, the egg timer is broken? What are we going to use for charades, sweetie?
Marshall: I'm working on it, darling. Okay? Just stall them.
Lily: Now, Robin... You work in television. We're experiencing some technical difficulties. ( she laughs): You get that? We're still laughing. Right? Laugh,Marshall.
Lily and Marshall laugh.
IN. TED'S APARTMENT
Ted: Come on, they just got excited. They've been looking for couple best friends forever. Plus, I'm sure they weren't that bad.
Robin: Show him.
Barney: This is a web siteMarshall already made about last night. (he takes a computer) It's called itwasthebestnightever.com.
**MARSHALL'S VIDEO**
Marshall sings while scrolling pictures of that evening.
Marshall (voice): It was the best night ever laughter raining down like April showers oh, we talked for hours... best night ever...
Ted: oh, that's not good.
Marshall (always singing in the video): Then we played charades. Lily made some creme brulee, lay-lay-lay-lay and now that we're best couple friends there's only one thing left to say... are you free? Are you free? Are you free? Are you free? Are you free next Saturday? That's the 17th.are you free? Friday or Sunday would also work. Or basically any other day.
**END**
Barney: Needless to say, we've both changed our e-mail addresses.
Ted: I don't understand. If last night went so horribly, why do Lily and Marshall think it was such a h*t?
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL'S APARTMENT
This is the end of the evening, Barney and Robin are about to leave.
Barney: I mean, we knew we were gonna have fun tonight, but we had no idea how much.
Marshall: Oh.
Robin: Yeah, tough luck, every Saturday night I've ever had, 'cause this one just blew you out of the water.
Barney: Let's do it again, soon.
Robin: Yeah, we'll call you.
IN. TED'S APARTMENT
Ted: They're your friends! Why would you just blatantly lie to them like that?
Robin: Well, that's what you say at the end of a crappy date.
A girl go out from Ted's bathroom.
Girl: Hey, Ted. Great time last night. Well, let's do it again, soon. I'll...uh, call you.
She goes out of the apartment.
Ted: Right?
Robin: Who was that?
Ted: Oh, I don't want to brag, But it seems chicks are really digging the whole professor thing. Last night, she picked me up at the bar. And then... Well, she actually wound up falling asleep on the couch. But, hey, that happens.
Barney: Uh, no, it doesn't.
Ted: Sure, it does. You know, she was, she was just exhausted from being turned on. But you heard her. She wants to do it again, soon.
Barney: Ted, let me ask you a question. Where does this girl live, exactly?
Ted: Westchester. Why?
Barney: (he laughs) You're the sexless innkeeper.
Robin: Oh, my god! You're right! He's totally the sexless innkeeper!
Ted: What the hell is "the sexless innkeeper"?
Barney: Ted, many a man--nay, many a soul--has their own tale of the sexless innkeeper. Why, I had run-in with one just last year. I even composed a poem about it. Would you care to hear it?
Ted: Not really.
Barney: T'was the night before new year's, and the weather grew mean. It was 3:00 in the morning, And I was stranded in queens. (2008, the whole story of Barney is illustrated with images) The tavern grew empty, the gas lights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in...
Ted: Wait. If this was last year, why are you acting like it was Oliver Twist?
Barney: Ted, it's a poem. Last call was approaching, and my fortunes looked bleak. Then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek. She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream and threw up in my mouth.I asked, "where do you live?"And she said, "one block south.". I swallowed my pride and six sh*ts of whiskey. And prayed to the gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack. 'neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper. And thus she became the sexless innkeeper. And so are you
Ted: Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?
Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw the tweed jacket
which basically says you're not interested in, nor probably even capable of, having sex. And she thought, "hey, free lodging."
Ted: No way.
Barney: I'm not the sexless innkeeper. Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.
Robin: Which is funny, because usually it's the innkeeper who offers turndown service. Oh!
Robin and Barney laugh and clap their hands.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Lily: Hey, guys. Good news. First of all, you can ignore all the e-mails and texts we've sent you.
Robin: We have. Go on.
Lily: Because we went ahead and booked that couples' weekend for all of us inVermont!
Robin: Wait, you guys were serious about that?
Marshall: Oh, we never joke about b&b's, especially at the height of syrup season.
Lily: Check it out. Saturday we've got apple-picking, antiquing, then a hated hay ride.
Marshall: And then on Sunday, we're up at 6:00 a.m. for the fall foliage hike. Now, you better pack your long johns, 'cause it is cold up there.
Barney: Look! I'm sorry that we have been dodging your calls, but we respect you guys too much as friends to give you some song and dance. You deserve the truth. (he sighs) The US Navy has found intelligent alien life at the bottom of the ocean. For reasons I can't explain, Robin and I have been tapped to lead the expedition.
Lily: Wow, Barney. That kind of sounds like the stuff you say to girls when you're too much of a coward to dump them.
Marshall: Yeah. You know, that's exactly what it sounds like. But if that's true, that's awesome.
Lily: What's going on?
Robin: Look, all the couple-y stuff, it's just not us. Barney and I are barely equipped to date each other, let alone you guys.
Barney: Plus, the alien thing.
Lily: Come on,Marshall.
Marshall: Let's go.
Robin: No...Lily...
Marshall: You know what? I hope those underwater aliens are cold-blooded. 'cause then you guys will get along just fine.
Lily and Marshall leave.
Barney: I think they bought it.
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL'S APARTMENT
They are both on the couch with a blanket, eating ice.
Marshall: I can't believe they broke up with us.
Lily: We're so lovable.
Marshall: No, we're not. We're ugly and gross.
Lily: I thought we did everything right.
Marshall: I know! I know. We had thegouda. We had my waffle story. I even sent them a awesome photo montage. Nothing.
Lily: Oh, dear god.Marshall, we've been over and over this. You have to stop sending those to people.
Ted (2030): It was true.Marshall had become addicted to creating songs and photo montages documenting various mundane events. So for months, all of Marshall's friends and professional colleagues were getting e-mails like this...
IN. TED'S APARTMENT
Ted is watching videos in his computer. Every song in the videos is singing by Marshall and illustrated by photos of the event.
Marshall (singing on the video): ordered Chinese food today some moo shu pork sauce got away flipped the cushion, now everything's okay.
Another video.
Marshall: Cat-sitting for Lily's mom, cat-sitting for Lily's mom, it's gonna be fun, it's gonna bring us all closer together. (in the video,Marshall let the cats going out by the window)
Another video.
Marshall: Cat funeral, cat funeral, it was an accident and not entirely my fault, cat funeral, meow, meow, meow, meow, ca funeral, meow, meow, meow, meow. We'll miss you, whiskers, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow...
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL'S HOME
Lily: I can't believe you sent them one of those. They think we're insane now.
Marshall: If I recall, they didn't dump us until you brought up thatVermont trip. It was way too early. First, a boat ride around the city, then a trip toVermont. It's a rookie mistake, and you're better than that.
Lily: Oh, what about you forgetting to check the egg timer for charades? I gave you one thing to do,Marshall. One thing.
Marshall: One thing? (Lily nods) One thing? Wow. Really? So, I guess that gouda Just walked itself right through the door...Sliced itself up, and arranged itself in a perfect semi-circle around not three, not four... But five different kinds of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers?
Lily: You're a sturdy, cheese-bearing cr*cker!
IN. MC LAREN'S
Ted: Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.
Barney: Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, But don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?
Ted: Seriously, they're your friends. You got to go apologize.
Barney: To your point, Ted, as an innkeeper. Do you do that cheapy thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?
Ted: Robin, you know I'm right. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. Usually, it just makes it bigger.
Robin: You're right.
Ted: Thank you.
Robin: All that sexlessness has made you wise.
Ted: For god's sake!
He leaves.
Barney: Mint on the pillow, Ted! And don't charge for wi-fi. It seems greedy! It does.
Barney and Robin laugh.
Ted (2030): But eventually, even Barney and Robin had to admit they owed Lily and Marshall an apology.
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL'S HOME
Lily opens the door.
Robin: Hey. We wanted to say we're sorry.
Lily: Oh. I wish you had called.
Marshall: (to a couple, inside the apartment) I swear, he was right there just eating a Belgian waffle!
They laugh.
Guy: Well, he can't have enjoyed it as much as I'm enjoying thisgouda!
Marshall: Oh!
Lily: Um, listen, now's not a good time. We'll call you.
Robin: Wait. We just want...
But Lily closes the door.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Marshall: Hey! Hey, guys.
Barney: Hey. Long time no see. Have a seat.
Lily: Oh, we can't. We're here with Py and Shea.
Marshall: Yeah, sorry.
Robin: Oh, it's just... We haven't seen you guys all week.
Barney: Hey, maybe all six of us could hang out.
Robin: Yeah.
Lily: Oh, it might be weird. We're kind of on a double date. Wouldn't want you to feel like a fifth and sixth wheel.
Barney: Who the hell are these people?
Lily: They just moved here fromHawaii. Py is a total foodie
Marshall: Mmm!
Lily: And Shea, well... She's...
Marshall: Shea...Shea is just...
They both laugh and sigh contentedly.
Lily: Anyhoo, we can't stay long. We're just gonna grab a quick beer and then take these kooks for a boat ride around the city.
Robin: Wow, it sounds like this is getting pretty serious.
Marshall: Well, we don't want to jinx it, but, uh... We kind of think they might be the two. (he touches the table) Ooh.
They both join their friends, letting Robin and Barney alone.
Robin: Pfft, who needs 'em?
Barney: Pfft. Not us.
They hear laughter and then show a sad face.
OUT. STREET
Barney and Robin are walking sadly in the street. We can hear a song:
* Livin' alone, we think of all the friends we've known but when we dial the telephone, nobody's home *
They enter in a restaurant.
Robin: Hi. Two for dinner.
Woman: Just the two of you?
IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
They go home, and eat ice cream sadly on the sofa.
* All by ourselves, don't want to be all by ourselves anymore, all by ourselves... *
Barney: Hey, why don't we call that weird couple down the hall from you? You know, with the ferrets? Maybe they want to come over and play taboo.
Robin: After midnight? No way. We can't tabooty-call them, it's pathetic.
Ted comes in the apartment
Ted: Hey, guys.
They groan.
Ted: Barney, are you wearing sweat pants?
Barney: Maybe. But they're Armani.
Ted: Okay, guys, I've got some bad news for you. So I'm just going to come out and say it. You're a couple. And no matter how hard you try to fight it, couples need other couples. That's why you miss Marshall and Lily. And can't you just admit that?
IN. MARSHALL AND LILY'S HOME
Marshall, Lily and their two friends are playing Twister.
Marshall: Oh, yeah!
Girl: That was amazing, Lily!
Lily: I know! When I got that left-hand- yellow, I was like, "what?!"
Guy: You guys are the best.
Marshall: Oh, right back at you!
Someone knock at the door. Lily opens and there is just an egg timer. It dings. Lily and Marshall goes in the hall and find another egg timer. It dings. They continue until the building door. They open it and, outside, under the rain, there are Robin and Marshall who carry another egg timer.
Robin and Barney: Ding.
Marshall and Lily join them.
Robin: For charades.
Lily: How do we know you two won't hurt us again?
Robin: You don't.
Marshall: You know what? We have two very nice people up in that apartment Who are perfect for us.
Barney: Then what are you doing, standing out in the rain with us?
Lily: Damn it. Why is there something so attractive about a bad boy... And girl?
Marshall: I think we can change them.
Lily: Come here, you two.
They sob.
Barney: We'll never sleep on thegouda again.
* all by ourselves... *
IN. TED'S APARTMENT
Ted: Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?
Barney: No, not really.
Ted: 'twas the night before, I had hours to k*ll. (the whole story is illustrated with images) I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.
Barney: With quill?
Ted: Barney. It's a poem. A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin. Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "you're a teacher?" I said, "yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned."I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.
Barney: No way. You made that up.
A girl appears from Ted's room.
Girl: Are you coming back bed, professor?
Barney: Whew!
Ted: God, I love being single.
Robin appears from her room.
Robin: Barney, you ready for brunch with Lily and Marshall?
Marshall: (worried) What have I done?
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x04 - The Sexless Innkeeper"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted's apartment...
Ted (2030): Kids, as you know, Aunt Robin grew up in Canada. That meant sometimes she dressed à little differently.
Robin: Okay, let's do this!
In McLaren's...
Ted (2030): Sometimes she talked a little differently.
Robin: Ted, this hydro bill is bigger than Louis Cyr's biceps. What, you leave the garburator on all night, eh?
In another bar...
Ted (2030): She hung out at different bars and enjoyed leisure time a little differently.
Robin,
fighting: You want to go? You want to go?! Come on! (In McLaren's...) Make fun of the Great White North all you want. It's the best country in the world.
Barney: The... mmm. Social experiment. (Chanting) U.S.A, U.S.A, U.S.A, U.S.A...
Robin: Okay, okay. You know what, what does that even prove, okay? You chant anything, people we join in. (Chanting) Canada, Canada, Canada, Cana... Okay, they won't chant anything.
Barney, singing: Shrimp fried rice...
All singing: Shrimp fried rice, shrimp fried rice...
Ted, joining them: Shrimp fried rice totally. Anyway, speaking of food, Marshall, I've got so bad news. Just read online, Gazzola's is closing.
Marshall: No!
Robin: What Gazzola's?
Ted: A filthy mecca of spectacular if undercooked pizza located at 316 Kinzie Street, Chicago, Illinois.
Marshall: Back in college, Ted and I used to take these crazy road trips from Connecticut all the way to Chicago just for Gazzola's pizza.
Ted: 22 hours. No map. We'd just jump in the Fiero and drive. We were like Lewis and Clark, if Lewis and Clark peed in empty soda bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe.
Marshall: Man, those Gazzola trips, that's... that's when we really became bros.
Ted: Mm. We ate nothing but jerky.
Marshall: Drank nothing but Tantrum.
Ted (2030): Ah, Tantrum. Tantrum was a soft drink with the highest caffeine content legally available over the counter. It was eventually discontinued after an extensive study by the FDA.
Marshall: Oh, man, we went through a whole case of Tantrum one trip.
Ted: I was color blind for two weeks after that.
Marshall: I think that's the reason that I pass out when I hear church bells.
Ted: It's probably a good thing they're closing Gazzola's. Those trips were brutal, right? The long hours in the car, the motion sickness, the smell.
Marshall: So what time are we leaving for Gazzola's tomorrow?
Ted: I was thinking 9:00, 9:30.
CREDITS
Ted's apartment...
Ted: I am ready to h*t the road. I got baby wipes. I got a variety of jerky. I got six cans of Tantrum. Well, four. One b*rned though the can, the other one I drank already. (He tears a pillow) Tantrum! I am so psyched! Marshall and I haven't done something, just the two of us, for so long. Ever since he got married, he's turned from an "I" to a "We".
Barney: What do you mean?
Ted: Think about it.
Ted is thinking of the scene.
Ted: Hey, haven't seen you all week. How you doing?
Marshall, in bar with Lily: We're doing great.
Ted: Do you watch the Jets game?
Marshall: We most certainly did.
Ted: How'd things go at the doctor?
Marshall: We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem.
Barney: Hmm.
Robin: You guys will not believe this. I've been talking to my lawyer all morning. You know that guy I have a slight disagreement with at the Hoser Hut? He's filing as*ault charges.
Flash-back
Robin is in a bar where she fights.
Robin: Come on!
End of flash-back
Robin: I broke his nose with a chair. And now, apparently, I may end up getting deported.
Ted: Oh, my God, that sucks! Yeah. I'm gonna go do push-ups in the kitchen. Tantrum!
Robin: Well, there's only one possible way to avoid getting deported. My lawyer said I could become an American citizen.
Barney: Perfect. Problem solved. Welcome aboard.
Robin: Well, it's not that simple. I'm a Canadian. I was born there. My family's there. It's who I am.
Barney: I know, and it's provided us with a lot of laughs. But, Robin, if you want to live here, work here and throw chairs at people here, you have to do this.
Robin: Well, there's a citizenship test tomorrow.
Barney: A cit...
Robin: I'll think about it.
Barney: No, no, you have to do it. I'll help you study. We're gonna stay up all night long. I'm gonna drill you, and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna do some cramming and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna bone up on...
Robin: Okay, Barney.
Barney: Sorry. It's a rich area.
Robin: It is.
Barney: But you know, it's not going to be easy, this test. It's not like the Canadian citizenship test.
Robin: How do you know the Canadian test is easy?
Barney: It's Canada. Question one: Do you want to be Canadian? Question two: really?
Marshall, entering with "a hat with drink": Ted! Ted! Check it out! I got black coffee on the left, I got Tantrum on the right! Do you have a phone book?!
Ted: Yes, I do! I don't why they make phone books anymore. Everything's online, right?
Marshall tears the phone book.
Marshall: Tantrum!
Ted: Tantrum!
Lily enters in the apartment.
Lily: All right, let's h*t the road.
Ted: You invited Lily?
Marshall: We most certainly did!
Marshall and Lily leave.
Barney: I don't know if you caught that, but he did the "we" thing.
Ted: Yeah, I heard him.
Barney: Okay.
Lily, Marshall and Ted are in the car.
Lily: Road trip! So you guys want to talk about bitches? I'm kidding. They're called women.
Ted: All right, next stop: Chicago.
Lily: I have to pee.
Ted: Couldn't you have gone before we left?
Lily: I did. I just pee a lot. You'll see.
She goes out of the car.
Marshall: Don't worry, we'll get out on the road, it'll be just like old times.
Ted (2030): It wasn't.
Flash-back
In 1999... Marshall and Ted were singing in the car. *I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more...*
End of flash-back
Lily: Sugar snap pea? Pea... That reminds me, I have to pee.
Flash-back
In 1999... In the car, Ted hides the visibility to Marshall.
Ted: Okay, straight, straight, straight. Now, wait, a little to the left. We'll pass a state trooper.
End of flash-back
Ted is sleeping in the car.
Lily, fighting Ted: Ooh, punch buggy yellow!
Ted: Ow!
Lily: Yellow, that reminds me, I have to pee.
Flash-back
In 1999...
Ted: Thank you!
End of flash-back
Lily: Great. Oh, hey, Ted...
Ted: You can't have to go again. It's not humanly possible.
Lily: No, I was just going to say maybe we should listen to something.
Ted: Oh, that's a great idea. I think I have some Jerky Boys.
Marshall: Goodbye, Sparky.
Lily: It's an audio book about a boy and his dog. It made Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry.
Voice: Goodbye Sparky, by Nick Leotti. Read to you by Kenny Rogers.
Marshall: Oh!
Kenny: Chapter one: When I first saw Sparky, he reminded me of my favorite comb; he was missing a lot of teeth, but I loved him anyway. Mother was fit to be tied every time he used her prized rhododendron to do his business.
Lily: That reminds me, I have to pee.
In the apartment...
Barney: "How many stars are on the flag?"
Robin: 50, one for each state.
Barney: "What are the first ten amendments to the Constitution called?"
Robin: The Bill of Rights. Look, Barney, I know all this. I'm ready.
Barney: Ready for the test maybe, but ready to be an American? Not on your sweet life. For you to be an American, we got to get the Canadian out of you. That's why I've created these questions. Question one: "Who is this?"
Robin: Queen Elizabeth II.
Barney: No, the answer is Elton John. Question two: "What the hell is this?"
Robin: Oh, curling. Um, it's a sport played...
Barney: Wrong. The answer we were looking for was "I don't care, it's dumb". Let's go buy something that's bad for us and then sue the people who made it. That's America, Robin.
In the car...
Kenny:...because Sparky loved chasing a ball, and it didn't much matter what kind. Tennis ball, baseball, Wiffle ball, golf ball, basketball, beach ball, gum ball, a grapefruit- which isn't actually a ball, but's round like a ball- a football- which isn't round, but it's still technically a ball- Indian rubber ball...
Voice: This ends disk seven. The audio book continues on disk eight. (Ted removes the disk and puts back the other one) Disk eight.
Kenny: Lacrosse ball, volleyball...
Ted: Oh, my God, Lily, please tell me you have to go pee!
Lily: Ah, I do.
Ted (2030): It was the worst trip ever, but then it got worse.
Marshall: Well, don't worry, the next exit's the hotel. We can go there.
Ted: Hotel?
Ted, Marshall and Lily arrive in the hotel.
Woman: Crumpet Manor is listed in the American Registry of Historic Bed and Breakfasts. Our door is opened on Christmas day, 1881. And we have catered to couples ever since.
Marshall: Well, I mean, single people can have fun here, too, right?
Woman: Oh, I suppose I could arrange a little recreation. Do you enjoy sitting on a bench?
In the apartment...
Ted (2030): And by the end of the night, Barney had turned Robin into a real American.
Robin: I want to say- Jefferson?
Barney: Correct.
Robin: Oh!
Barney: Archie Bunker's neighbor was George Jefferson.
Robin: Oh, boo-ya! I am nailing this. God, I'm buzzing on America right now!
Barney: All right, hold your horses. Now to prove that you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to- who is this?
Robin: That, Barney, is the American actor, beloved by millions, the "Hey, Vern" guy from the popular series of Ernest films. And his name... Jeff Foxworthy.
Barney: Jeff Foxworthy? No, it's Jim Varney. You're kidding me. You don't know that?
Robin: Uh, that's Jeff Foxworthy, dumbass. End of story. Now shut your stupid face.
Barney: Not only are you wrong, but you are belligerently sticking to your g*n and insulting me in the process. Robin Scherbatsky- you are an American.
In the hotel...
Woman: Look who's back from the wishing well.
Ted: It didn't work, I'm still here. Marshall, what are we doing? We should be on the road.
Marshall: Ok, Ted, we're not in college anymore, okay? We don't have to drive all night.
Lily: Besides, they have a spa. What kind of treatments do you offer?
Woman: All our spa treatments are designed for couples. Would you be interested in the two person, cornmeal body scrub?
Ted (2030): And then finally it happened. Marshall and Lily globbed into one big married glob.
Marshall and Lily: We'd love cornmeal body scrub!
Ted: Whoa. I got to dial back on the Tantrum.
Robin walks on the street.
Robin: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be an American, y'all. (She throws one bottle on the floor) Maybe I'll rob a liquor store. Maybe I won't. My choice. Learn English! The Hoser Hut. I could duck in for a drink. No, no, that life's behind me. Forget it. Well, I could in for just one beer. What's the harm in that? It's a free country. (She crosses the road and enter into the bar) *O Canada Our home and native land...* Oh, God, I miss it. *True patriots love...*
Ted knocks at Marshall and Lily's bedroom door.
Ted: Hey, man.
Marshall: Shh.
Ted: Sorry about what I said before. You want to go to the store and get some beer?
Marshall: Lily is asleep. I suppose I could reschedule my pedicure. What the hell? But only light beer because we have a couple hike in the morning.
Marshall gets out of his room in bathrobe. Ted and Marshall are in the car.
Marshall: Dude, why are we pulling to the highway? Ted, where exactly are we going to get this beer?
Ted: Chicago.
Marshall: What are you doing? We can't just leave Lily. When she wakes up, she's going to freak!
Ted: She'll have a back rub and a crumpet. She'll be fine. Relax. Have some fun.
Marshall: I just abandoned my wife. How am I supposed to have fun?
4 minutes later...
Marshall and Ted, singing: *And I would walk 500 miles. And I would walk 500 more...*
Ted: Hey, you really think Lily's pissed?
Marshall: If she's pissed, she's pissed.
Ted: Pfft.
Ted (2030): When Barney finally tracked down your Aunt Robin, it wasn't a pretty sight.
Barney enters in a room where Robin is.
Barney: Good morning.
Robin: Barney? Oh, my God. What happened last night?
Barney: You went Canadian.
Robin: How Canadian?
Barney: This Canadian. (He opens the curtains) Oh. That was supposed to be a dramatic view of the Toronto sky- you're in Toronto.
Robin: Oh, God. Okay. It's coming back to me. I, uh, I went into the Hoser Hut... And I met this women's curling team.
Flash-back
Robin: We started drinking. And the next thing I know, they're inviting me to a Bryan Adams/Rich title double bill in Toronto.
End of flash-back
Robin: How did you find me, anyway?
Barney: You called me, said you were never coming back. So, I jumped on a plane, flew across the Atlantic...
Robin: Canada isn't across the Atlantic.
Barney: You're talking nonsense. Now, listen... You slipped up. It's fine. The test is in a few hours.
Robin: Barney, I'm not taking the test.
Barney: God, you're still drunk.
Robin: Look, I appreciate your help, but... who am I kidding? I'm Canadian. I always will be.
Barney: Now, that's ridiculous. We're gonna get some coffee, in you, we'll sober you up, and get you back to New York for that test. But, before any of that, we're gonna do it on this bed 'cause... hotel room. Okay, let's get some coffee.
Ted and Marshall are in Chicago and they're eating.
Ted: Kind of cross.
Marshall: You're making me wonder if this pizza is worth the 22 hour drive.
Ted: Just like old times!
Marshall: I feel so young again except for the chest pains.
Ted: But the crust is so good. What is the secret to this crust?
Man: It's no big secret. It's made of cornmeal.
Marshall: Cornmeal...
Lily: We'd love a cornmeal body scrub!
Ted: I can't believe you guys are closing.
Man: I can't believe we're still open. Gotcha! These are getting bigger.
Barney: It's like an entire country without a tailor.
Robin: Yeah, give me two coffees.
Women: $3,50, please. Hey, what did you think of the game last night?
Robin: What game?
Women: The Leafs b*at Edmonton. Beauchemin went five hole in OT.
Robin: Oh, I guess I missed it.
Women: Oh, sorry. You're American. Here's your change.
Robin: I'm not American.
Women: American money? Didn't watch the Leafs game? No "please" or "thank you" for the coffee? You sure don't seem like a Canadian.
Barney: What's wrong? Other than the fact that this five dollar bill they gave you is blue.
Robin: Wow. I'm not American, and apparently, I'm not Canadian either.
Barney: And there's kids playing hockey on the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you.
In Chicago...
Marshall: I don't want this anymore.
Ted: Dude, don't look at it. That's a rookie mistake.
Marshall: We shouldn't have left Lily.
Ted: Well, if you're so worried, why don't you give her a call?
Marshall: I have. I left her, like, 20 messages. I said, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. It's all Ted's fault!"
Ted: What exactly is "Ted's fault"?
Marshall: This! This whole thing! We were having a perfectly nice trip, and then you kidnapped me. You didn't even let me, put on underwear!
Ted: We never used to put on underwear! That was the fun of a bro's trip to Gazzola's! We left everything, and everyone behind. It was just you and me! But now it's like you've disappeared into Lily.
Marshall: That is not true.
Ted: It is true. You're not upset because you're worried she's mad. You're upset because you'd rather be with her, eating muffins than here with me, eating this delicious... I think one of my mushrooms just crawled away.
Marshall: Well, you know what? That mushroom's not the only thing that's living. Car keys, please.
Ted throws the keys to him and Marshall bends.
Barney: Look at this money! This one has a moose, this one has a beaver, and they all have Elton John on the back.
Robin: When I moved to the States, I swore to myself, I wasn't going to change. And yet, here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe- Tim Horton's- around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame, and I don't belong. It's like I don't have a country.
Barney: Okay, that's it. (He climbs on a chair) Attention, Canada! I am Barney from America. And I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one: get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a "jhoke". Number two- and this is the biggie- Quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because, guess what? You don't want her? I'm planting my flag in her- if you know what I mean, which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless. (He sits down and three men arrive behind him) Ah, this coffee is excellent. Oh. Hey, fellas. It's called a "tie".
A child locks the door with a hockey stick.
Ted and Marshall are in the car.
Kenny: Sparky was my best friend, but after I married Helen, old Spark started to feel a little left out. For so long, it had been just me and him, but now he suddenly felt like Helen had taken his place. What Sparky didn't realize was, even though I loved Helen, I still loved him, too. I had room in my heart for both of them. But maybe I should have put aside some special ball-tossing time just for the two of us t o make sure Sparky knew that he was a good boy. I wish now I had, 'cause old Sparky ran out in front of a Cadillac and got splattered like a watermelon in one of them Gallagher shows.
Marshall: I'm sorry, ted!
Ted: I'm sorry! No, I'm sorry. I never should have been mad at you!
Marshall: No, I never should have brought lily. She pees all the time, even at the apartment. Still bros?
Ted: Best bros. Hey, you want to crank some Van Halen just like old times?
Marshall: Hells, yeah!
Ted: Or listen to the Sparky book again?
Marshall: Listen to the Sparky book again.
Ted: Okay. Let's listen to it again.
Barney and Robin return to the apartment.
Barney: Man, those Canadian doctors banded me up, reset my jaw, put my shoulder back in its socket, and they didn't even bill me. Idiots. All right, I guess they're no idiots. The coffee was extraordinary. Huh. I guess Canada's not so bad. They play their cards right, maybe they can even become a state someday.
Robin: Barney, I've thought about this. When you stood up and told off those people, I thought, "Yeah, America's cool."
Barney: Hmm.
Robin: And then when those guys pounded the stuffing out of you, I thought, "Yeah, Canada's pretty cool, too." I may have taken a few pokes myself. So, I've decided, dual citizenship. I'm going to be American and Canadian.
Barney: Wait, you can do that?
Robin: Yeah, dummy. Instead of being a woman with no country, I'm going to be a woman with two.
Barney: I see.
Robin: You understand?
Barney: No, I can see out of my left eye again.
Ted and Marshall return in Marshall and Lily's room.
Marshall: Hey, baby? Baby?
Lily: Hmm? Yeah?
Marshall: I'm so sorry that we left you.
Lily: Did you go somewhere, sweetie?
Flash-back
Ted (2030): Yes, kids, it turns out Crumpet Manor had pampered Lily into a nearly comatose state of relaxation. She didn't even notice we were gone.
Lily's phone vibrates.
Lily: Mmm... Oh, oh, oh... Yeah...
End of flash-back
Lily: So, I had a great time, too.
Marshall: That's good. And I'm so sorry you didn't get any pizza.
Lily: Oh, that's okay.
Ted (2030): And if she didn't mean it then, she certainly meant it 19 minutes later.
Marshall: God, my stomach! Damn you, Gazzola's!
Ted: It's like a hot ball of lead!
Marshall: Baby, cut it out of me.
Ted and Marshall are in the car, again.
Marshall: That was a wild trip, huh, Ted?
Ted: I know. It was kind of crazy. But how great is it to drink some Tantrum again?
Marshall: You know who had fun, was Lily. Lily drank like, four cans of the stuff. Right Lil'? Where's Lily?
Lily, on the roof of the car: Tantrum! I have to pee.
The end
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x05 - Duel Citizenship"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): In autumn 2009, a new couple moved just above.We had not met but you could hear all the time. They kept... children, say they did not stop "playing the bagpipes."
Robin: This is nonsense. They are still playing the bagpipes.
Ted: I know. It's been 6 hours. That must be the fact that Stan Tantric bagpipes.
Robin: It does not stop him from screaming to play louder, but it seems that there is rather strong. I have a glass of water in my room that vibrates like Jurassic Park.
Ted: Are there neighbors! Stop the bagpipes!
GENERIC
Ted is at McLaren's, alone.
Ted (2030): I decided to go to the bar to be quiet. It was not really that.
Barney joins him.
Barney: I hate to be the one to tell you. Marshall and Lily get divorced.
Ted: Not at all.
Barney: Look what I saw yesterday.
Flashback
Barney, Marshall and Lily are in the kitchen of the latter.
Lily: Baby, you can wash it?
Marshall: No problem.
Barney: I gotta go.
End flashback
Barney: She makes her dishes right away, Ted. I give them two or three weeks maximum.
Ted: There is nothing serious. And certainly nothing serious enough that you hold my hand.
Barney: They have a big problem.
Ted: I see what happens. You, my friend, you suffer from a disease little known... "little known" because I just invented it... called Adequacy of New Relationship. Robin, you are in your honeymoon stage. Everything is perfect. The songs on the radio talking about you. Other couples are concerned. Enjoy it. The SNR does not last forever.
Barney: If, when you're great like me. Listen to this. Robin taking into account the number of beds in which we did. One is 83 and a half.
Ted: And a half?
Barney: An Ottoman 19th in an antique shop.
Marshall arrived in turn.
Marshall: What's new?
Barney: Big Tiger. You holding up? Want a hug? You mean yesterday? You're safe here.
Ted: According to Barney, Lily asking you to do your own dishes right away is a sign that your marriage falls apart.
Marshall: Why? Lily loves a clean sink so I do the dishes right away, what's the problem?
Barney: I'll tell you what's the problem. You know how I was always the best single? Now I'm the best in relationship. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall: Look at you. You got a girlfriend for 5 minutes and you think playing in the big leagues. Adorable. Son... I'm in a relationship for your ponytail and that you were playing the guitar with Dave Matthews Mom. I am a good boyfriend when I sleep. I can do a k*ller foot massage, hand and prepare a great chamomile on the other, which would make you cry. Damn, I know more about how to make popcorn and watch movies with Sandra Bullock in that you'll ever know, but thank you to worry, blue.
Barney: Let me ask you a question.
Marshall: Go ahead.
Barney: Do you mind you, if the sink is full of dirty dishes?
Marshall: Not really.
Barney: So what is the problem of Lily, not yours.
Marshall: But if I said that, we will play, so...
Barney: You argue. Robin, we do not fight.
Ted: Of course I do.
Barney: No. And here's the secret, every time we say we're going to argue...
Flashback
Barney takes his breakfast when Robin arrives in a dressing gown.
Robin: Why is there a bag of pants marked "April 2008" in your closet?
Barney gets up and leaves his apartment, leaving Robin unanswered.
End flashback
Ted: So when you think you will play and you get up you go?
Barney: It works in 100% of cases. No fighting if you're not there.This is what Gandhi said.
Ted: This is not true.
Marshall: I can not believe Robin supports it.
Barney: Do not worry. It also has a good way to avoid arguments.
Flashback
Robin and Barney are at the apartment of the latter.
Robin: The ties go to the machine?
Barney Probably not. Why? You want what? My God, you want what?
She does not respond and unbuttons her blouse.
End flashback
Marshall: You're leaving. Robin begins to coat. I never heard anything so stupid.
Ted: Well, the thing naked is not bad. It was weird.
Marshall: Call me crazy.
Ted: Mad.
Marshall: But when you have a problem with Lily, it is discussed.
Barney: There's so much to do with the mouth. Why spoil it by talking? But if you insist, here's what I would say on the dishes if I was married to Lily.
Flash
Barney imagine the scenario. He returned to the apartment where Lily is already.
Lily: Barney, you came home!
She jumps into the arms of Barney and they kiss.
End flash
Marshall: Go to the basics!
Barney: Okay.
Flash
Barney: Thank you, doll.
Lily: Honey, you're going to wash it?
Barney: I'm glad you mention it. No. And that's why. I know you do not like dirty sinks. But do it for me to clean it? If one day I looked up the ceiling of the room and think, "Hey, I want a replica of the Sistine Chapel" is what you will paint the?
Lily: No. Of course not.
Barney: Exactly! Similarly, if you do not like having lots of dirty dishes, it's your washing.
Lily: Thank you explained that. I get confused easily.
Barney: It's because you're a woman.
Lily: I do not even know why we laugh!
Barney: Of course not.
End flash
Ted: Are you kidding me.
Marshall: Wait, Ted. Listen to the man.
Barney: Once I have his attention, it's time to get out the heavy a*tillery.
Flash
Lily and Barney are sitting on the couch.
Barney: Look, I love you. But, baby, with little energy I have left after work, I want to cover you with love, not washing dishes.
Lily: You're right. I'll do the dishes. Just after doing this.
She lowers the light and dance in a way... sexy.
Barney: Now, turn around.
End flash
Ted: You b*at him or I do it?
Marshall: He's right.
Ted: No. Marshall, look at me. Do not go into the circus of Barney Stinson, the house of mirrors and illogical logic. You got ear pierced like that in 2003.
Barney: The piercing was cool.
Marshall: It was cool, huh?
Ted: Stay with me! Barney is wrong.
Marshall: No, not at all. I hate doing the dishes right away.
Ted: You just said the opposite!
Marshall: I hate it! I hate it from the depths of my soul! I hate it! I hate it I hate it!
Barney: You're welcome.
Robin joins them.
Ted: Okay. There you are. You're gonna tell me the truth. Barney said that you did ever played.
Robin: I think that's true.
Barney: I told you.
Ted: Impossible. I love you both but you're the two biggest emotional disabilities in the history of relations. You had to play at least once.
Robin: You know what? It's true. We tried to find out which of us was most great. But it said draw and we made love. Speaking of that, I am delighted that we go skiing this weekend. I need a break. The upstairs neighbors make me crazy.
Ted: Yeah, it's ugly. I'll go talk to them.
Robin: Thank you.
Barney: Super. Here are your tasks for the weekend. Ted, you're gonna go see the neighbors. Marshall, you go see Lily. Robin and I need you for a crouched position on an animal skin in our chalet. Ready? Break!
Barney hand, followed by Robin.
Ted: Have fun.
Marshall: Barney... With his madness, his theory goes well thought might work.
Ted: I will repeat once. This is a bad idea.
Marshall: Will it work.
Ted: A second time. This is a bad idea.
Marshall: Barney argued logically. Lily is a reasonable woman. I think if I explain, understand and can go in my opinion.
Ted: No. She will be angry and you will play.
Marshall: It is a slap bet?
Ted: We bet a slap.
Marshall is in the kitchen with Lily.
Lily: Baby, you can do the dishes?
Marshall: Lily, I am delighted that you mention.
Ted opens the door to his apartment to let in Marshall with his business.
Marshall: I can stay here tonight?
Ted slaps him.
Ted: I am preparing the couch, man.
Barney and Robin join Ted and Marshall at the bar.
Robin: The ski babes are back!
Barney and Robin kissing.
Ted: How was the trip?
Barney: Okay.
Robin: We spent the weekend hugging the fireside. No black diamonds, nothing but red hearts. I'll unpack my bags.
Robin is about to leave when sending him a kiss Barney makes it to emblant to catch.
Ted: What has happened between you? When did you become disgusting?
Barney: It's not great to finally see blossomed emotionally, spiritually and sexually?
Ted: We all came out a year.
Barney: short, and your weekend?
Marshall: Terrible. And because of you! I listened to your advice stupid!
Flashback
Marshall removing the dishes in the sink.
Lily: Baby, you can do the dishes?
Marshall: Lily, I am delighted that you mention. No. And that's why... It's like, okay? You want me to get up and I wash my dishes. But maybe... I want you... combs the ceiling, right? I can say, "Yes. I will do my dishes, if you get up and you painted the ceiling of naked babies. " You see? It's just...
End flashback
Marshall: I do not know what happened. I am a lawyer. I earn my living by arguing but when it is with Lily, I'm... confused. How not to be with her eyes and her breasts?
Barney: What happened to the "I'm tired after my exhausting day and I want to use what little energy I have left to cover you with love"?
Marshall: I should have noted.
Flashback
Marshall: I'm making more money than you.
Lily: Excuse me?
Marshall: Dance for me.
End flashback
Marshall: It's so much better when you said but with me, it turned into an argument. And when we started arguing, it starts to mutate and multiply.
Flashback
Marshall: It started with the dishes but after...
Lily: So you're saying you should not do the dishes because you work harder than me.
Marshall: It's not what I say... but it's true. And suddenly, we argue as to who works the hardest.
Lily: I teach kindergarten. I shape the leaders of tomorrow.
Marshall: You eat cookies and you glue stuff. And other disputes are parties. Until there is so much we can no longer follow.
Lily: If you need to go there at night, or you turn on the light or toilet you sit.
Marshall: My mother does not hate you. It is neutral about you.I'm not afraid of your imitation of Shining. I just did not need to hear it mostly at night.
Lily: Danny is not here, Mrs. Torrance.
Marshall: Do not do that, please.
End flashback
Marshall: Dude, Lily is played badly. It is small... but as a vicious badger that your brother would have caught and starved for 5 days and placed in your sleeping bag. I should go and apologize.
Barney: You need to be angry. Dispute yourself stronger.Imagine that Marshall never have to wash dishes in all your life, all the plates are clean. Why, it would relieve any anxiety to any meal. Not having to tie your T-shirt to form a bowl of salted fortune for your pleasures. This world belongs to you, Marshall.Beach house, take it, put yourself in holiday clothes, benefits.
Marshall: He's right.
Ted: Barney's stupid ideas you have put into this mess. There is no escaping it. Make this stupid dishwasher.
Marshall: This dish is my manhood! And I want to leave my manhood deep in the dirty sink full of ketchup and pasta...
Barney: What do you eat?
Marshall: Well shit, it's my right! I will wipe my manhood when I'm ready!
By Marshall and Robin arrives.
Robin: Where is he was not riding? Hey, Barnstormer.
Barney: Hey, Ro-Ro.
They kiss.
Ted: You're cute nicknames? Seriously. What happens to you both?
Robin: Nothing. We're just happy.
Barney: As Gandhi said, "A smile costs nothing, baby."
Ted: I'm not sure that you know who Gandhi is.
Robin: So you talked to the neighbors?
Ted: Yeah, yeah, I did. I went up ready to put them back.
Flashback
Ted hits with his neighbors over. A man and a woman opens.
End flashback
Robin: Some old?
Ted: Really old.
Robin: So you did what?
Ted: I did not have the strength to tell them to stop, because, good for them. So I told them you want to welcome, ate a hard caramel, acquiesced to some r*cist comments and I left.
Ted (2030): The days of Barney and Robin continued to be happier than ever. (At the bar, Barney and Robin dance) and Marshall and Lily have continued to argue.
At the apartment Marshall and Lily...
Marshall: I do not care if the dishes are not done. If you do not give a damn, do it.
Lily: Super. So I do not care if you have an orgasm. If you do not give a damn, do it yourself.
Marshall: I spent 18 years without a woman does not affect me. I can do it again.
Lily: You will perhaps have to do it again.
Ted is on his couch.
Ted (2030): And I heard more than a bagpipe parade of St. Patrick.
Between Marshall.
Marshall: I do not know what to do. We never had to fight so long. It's as if I no longer existed. Sunday morning, she made a pancake, Ted. A pancake and a slice of bacon.
Ted: It's your fault. You took advice in love with Barney.
Marshall: Well, maybe Barney was all inclusive. He and Ro-Ro are the best pair now. With Lily it was dethroned.
Ted: You know, I do not believe all this stuff cute and adorable, it's not them. And I know for a fact that Robin hates nicknames.
Flashback
In 2006, Robin joined the McLaren's Ted.
Ted: Thank you, Robbie Engineering.
Robin: I do not like nicknames.
At Ted's apartment...
Ted: You're finished with the sports page, Sherbs?
Robin: Seriously, stop.
Ted is on the phone.
Ted: It's T-Mose.
Robin: I do not like with you either.
End flashback
Marshall: Apparently, she loves them now. And... come on, someone had to stop T-Mose.
Ted: T-Mose was great. I think of the show.
Marshall: The bagpipe seems different today. There was an echo.
Ted: They're probably playing the bagpipes on the shower chair.
Ted (2030): And suddenly, I found how to get the real scoop on Barney and Robin.
Barney, Robin and Ted are at McLaren's.
Barney: How will Marshall and Lily?
Robin: Those two worry me, really.
Barney: You and your big, huge heart.
Ted: Enough. The game is over.
Barney: What do you mean by that?
Robin: Who, him?
A man is sitting at their table.
Ted: It's going to come. You see, I knew it was wrong. You two were too happy, too radiant, too "surnomants". It was not right.Never disputes? Crap. You argue all... the... time.
Robin: How would you know that?
Ted: Phil told me.
Barney: Who the hell is Phil?
Ted: Your downstairs neighbor.
Man: I'm Phil. 12-B.
Ted: And it has everything... heard. So Phil told me that Ro-Ro and Barnstormer argue... a lot. Explanations?
Barney: All was going well. Our techniques dodges worked perfectly until the skiing trip last weekend.
Flashback
Barney and Robin are in a chairlift.
Barney: I found at Marshall's arguments Lily were zero then it will never have to wash another dish. Slap me in two.
Robin: It's your board that is zero.
Barney: You're on the side of Lily? You... (The chairlift stops) No. We will argue and I can not spin.
Robin: I can not undress. It's freezing here. I'll be hypothermic.
Barney: Or so I tried the jump?
Robin: Or just the pants?
Barney: This trick of dodging is over?
Robin: I think.
Barney: You have the? This is the smallest!
Robin: They fight because of you!?
End flashback
Barney: And it does not stop there. We argue non-stop since.
Robin: All the disputes that had prevented us are above benefits.The bag of panties.
Barney: The tie m*rder by Robin.
Robin: The hidden camera in the headboard.
Barney: As a quarterback to stay on top. Monday morning, he sits on an ice pack and are studying the tape of the match.
Robin: Barney for the millionth time...
They argue.
Ted: I knew it! I knew you were too cute and perfect!
Barney: Look, we were fed up everyone to tell us how we are no relations.
Robin: It was nice to be the ideal couple for one minute.
Ted: I knew you were lying. Get up early for the feint-T Mose.
Robin: Stop it.
At the apartment Marshall and Lily... Marshall is sitting on the couch.
Lily: Marshall, dinner is ready.
Marshall: You've done for me?
Lily: No, but what is your favorite.
It sounds and Marshall will open.
Barney: We need advice.
Ted (2030): Robin and Barney told Lily and Marshall to their disputes. And let's just say, in comparison, their quarrels dishes seemed bland.
Flashback
We see scenes of arguments between Barney and Robin.
End flashback
Ted (2030): And in the end, Lily and Marshall had the same reaction.
Marshall: I'll do the dishes directly to my death.
Lily: I do not care when you take out. But if it is made of cheese as a good ziti, do soak.
Marshall: Sure, honey.
Lily: I love you.
Marshall: I love you too.
Robin: You see? At the moment, how did you do to fix everything?
Marshall: I do not know. Sometimes you just let his ego aside.
Lily: And keep in mind that the love you have for that other person is more important than winning.
Barney and Robin laugh.
Barney: More important than winning.
Robin: Calm. Calm down. Seriously, what's the secret?
Lily: The honeymoon phase may be over, but now you can get down to business. And honestly, it's the best part.
Robin: Good night.
Barney and Robin go.
Barney: What about now?
Robin: I think we should talk about advantage and get down to business.
Barney: Or, there is a bench in the elevator.
Robin: That's better. It is not the best couple in the world, so what?
Barney: Grave. It's not a competition.
At the apartment Marshall and Lily...
Lily: We won!
Marshall: Best couple of the world!
He opens a bottle of champagne. On the couch...
Marshall: Guess what? These glasses are plastic. So you can throw them. So no dirty dishes in the sink.
Lily: You're dirty. It is you who should be in the sink.
They kiss.
Ted (2030): And once the first fight set, all the others, well, they are also regulated.
Neighbors of Ted, the luster of living aspen and a bagpipe sounds.
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x06 - Bagpipes"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Children, since I know your Uncle Barney, he has always had strong views on relationships.
Flashback
In 2008... The band is at McLaren's.
Barney: Your girlfriend? This is your girlfriend!? It is small and it's your friend? Do not humanize the enemy. But, delighted.
End flashback
Ted (2030): And yet, in fall 2009, it was he who had a girlfriend.
Marshall, Lily, Barney, Ted and Robin are at the apartment of the latter.
Barney: Come on. Open it. It's p*rn collection! Just kidding. It would be weird.
Ted: It's your p*rn collection.
Barney: This is my collection of p*rn! I offer you my p*rn. Now that it goes really well with Robin, I need more.
Lily: Voluntarily, you abandon your p*rn...? You're really serious.
Marshall: This is obvious.
Barney: What does that mean?
Marshall: Nothing, it's just, you know, you have love handles.
Barney: What?! I have no love handles. This is ridiculous.
Marshall: It's nothing. Once you're with someone, it is natural to let some go. Trust me. It's been there.
Lily: He really is growing at a time.
Barney: We gotta go. Goodbye, my dear friends. You were always there for me. We will miss you.
Robin: He speaks to p*rn.
Ted: Hi, Robin. A more.
Robin: Hi.
Barney and Robin go.
Lily: My God, matte videos. The orgy of space? The surprise party of 23 students naughty?
Marshall: You'd think after 22 celebrations, students would no longer surprises.
Lily: You can get rid of it.
Ted: No, it's not a problem. I'll do it.
Lily: Are you sure? It's nothing. We can go around back and throw the box in the trash.
Marshall: I read six of the words you just said about this jacket.
Ted: Seriously, this is nothing. I'm on it.
Lily: Because...
Ted: Let them! In a sense, it's sad, right? Barney who abandons his p*rn. He has love handles. They eat the same thing every night. We are witnessing the end of Barney Stinson as we know it.
Marshall: So what? They are happy.
Lily: Let's go. A more.
Lily and Marshall go in turn, leaving Ted alone. In the hallway...
Marshall: So you're what?
Lily: I Tail-Dalle.
Marshall: What...? I thought I had seen in one take.
Lily: Yeah. It's called Tail-Dalle.
Ted is alone in the apartment and sort p*rn.
Ted: ArchiSexTure. That's not how you write "Buckminster Fuller."
Ted (2030): Children, p*rn is wrong, and when I got rid of that horrible p*rn on the field...
Ted: I get rid of this horrible p*rn on the field.
Ted (2030): There is something terrible happened.
He stumbles into the chair and all the tapes fall. Full of tapes with a fly that lands in the VCR.
Voice: ArchiSexture.
Barney: If you watch this tape, and I knew it... is that you are in possession of all my p*rn. It can only mean two things, either I'm d*ad or I'm in a committed relationship. If I died, I want you honor my memory by taking my body in the Hamptons and recreating Weekend at Bernie. I want to dance. I want to make love. And I want to go fishing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a relationship, as best friend, I have one favor to ask. Please, for God's sake, get me out of here!
GENERIC
Barney: I can look happy, but do not believe it. Barney Stinson is suited for celibacy. (Marshall and Lily have joined Ted) Out of pity, if our best friends account... And yes, Marshall, I'm his best friend, how you take it? So, get me out of here. And finally, since you hoping to see some p*rn... (Barney turns the camera towards the bed where a woman waits) Do not worry. The green light means it is off.
Ted cut the video.
Lily: We're sure he had done?
Ted: There is no reason to take it seriously, though?
Lily: No, of course. This is an old tape. Barney is pleased with Robin.
Ted (2030): But over time I began to notice things. Barney and Robin have stopped their crazy adventures.
In McLaren's...
Lily: So what you did last night?
Robin: I wanted to go to a concert. Him at a party. We could obviously do what the other wanted, so we stayed to watch a movie on cable.
Barney: It was Legen... wait... the Autumn. Legends of the Fall!It was fun.
Ted (2030): Barney stopped being himself.
Ted: I spotted this girl there, and I will need help to land the plane.
Barney: Sorry, I have my own way tonight.
Barney became obese.
Ted (2030): And Robin was annoyed when he opened his mouth.
Lily: How do you go?
Barney: Super. Relations are deadly...
Robin: Shut up...
Barney: Exchanges and compromise...
Robin: Shut up...
Barney: Monogamy is the best.
Robin: Shut up.
Barney: Tagline!
Robin: Shut up.
Ted (2030): But it got worse... more
Barney: More hungry...
Barney looks for a kiss but Robin does not respond.
Ted (2030): The more they said everything was fine. In truth, Barney and Robin had just let go. But after a few weeks for us, they looked like that.
Robin and Ted meet Barney, Marshall and Lily at the bar but they are obese.
Barney: I can... in a minute.
At Ted's apartment...
Ted: They k*ll.
Lily: They love each other.
Ted: Barney and Robin are in love, but they are more Barney and Robin. They are big and old.
Marshall: My favorite cop show.
Ted: This is obvious. Barney eats too much because he hates to lose his freedom. Robin and stress because she hates what has become Barney.
Lily: They are perfect together.
Ted: It might be the problem. They are too similar. It's hard to have two dominant in a relationship.
Marshall: We are two dominant sets.
Lily: Of course, my heart.
Marshall: If they are not happy, why not break?
Ted: They are too stubborn. Neither wants to be the first to admit he no longer wants. They play at first that deflates.
Marshall: I think the first who plays Barney deflates.
Lily: It's a bad time. It takes time to get used to each other. They are... How do you say "selfish" nicely?
Marshall Independent.
Lily: Independents. Every relationship goes through there.
Marshall: It's true... I had a friend astronaut, totally in love with his fiancee. On the eve of her mission, she surprised him with four other girls and two guys. It has become intense. She ended up sneaking into the space shuttle...
Ted: Talk about Space Orgy?
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: It's a bad time. Let us do things.
Marshall: She's right.
Lily: Two against one, Ted. Let them.
Ted (2030): I left them alone. But this weekend there...
Marshall and Barney are the McLaren's and Barney is still eating.
Barney: Did you notice that the beef ribs were absolutely disgusting, but recently they have become delicious?
Marshall: I'll get to the point, and ask you a question. Are you happy with Robin?
Barney: Are you kidding?! How could I not be? It's Robin!
Marshall: So you're happy?
Barney: Can you ask me this question. We argue constantly, but you know what they say about relationships, "Every moment is a battle."
Marshall: So you're happy?
Barney: And you know what happens right after a fight? Gender reconciliation. What is different... when you're in a loving and lasting relationship.
Flashback
Barney and Robin are in bed.
Barney: Stack we make love, we order a pizza face and it stays there to moan.
Robin: Okay. Decides that the piece.
He throws the room.
Barney: What was the pizza again?
Robin: Face.
Barney: It's face.
End flashback
Barney: Sex... I'm right? Fortunately, it is becoming rare. I'm still hungry. You're hungry?
Marshall enters Ted's apartment.
Marshall: We must break them. You're right. Barney and Robin are unhappy together but they are too stubborn to admit it. We must make the break.
Ted: What next?
Marshall: We will release... the Kraken.
Flashback
Ted (2030): Children, as you know, earlier this year I learned that Lily had broken no one, not two, but seven of my past relationships.
End flashback
Ted, Marshall and Lily are at the bar.
Lily: Forget. I took my retirement. I no longer.
Marshall: But you're the best.
Lily: I swear, I gave up these sh*ts there. I became legit. I am now matchmaker.
Ted: Find me someone.
Lily: I just started.
Marshall: Please. You've got to break. This relationship is k*lling them.
Lily: I know, but I learned the lesson. I no longer interferes. I let things.
Ted: It's two against one.
Lily: But the one that's me.
She gets up and goes to the counter Barney sitting at a table... to eat.
Ted: No need for it. We can do it alone.
Marshall: How?
Ted: When I was with Robin, you remember the only thing that made pinball?
Flashback
Robin and Ted are in the restaurant.
Robin: You do not have the right to do this to me.
Ted: What are you talking?
Robin: From this! That's what I mean. How does it feel in my champagne?
End flashback
Ted: If Robin thinks for one second that Barney wants to marry her, she Petera a lead and they will break.
Marshall: That sucks. Why not let Barney be tempted by a sexy girl? (Barney wipes his hands on his shirt) Okay, going to the ring.
Barney and Robin are in the restaurant. Ted and Marshall are also and monitor them.
Marshall: A surveillance van.
Ted: What?
Marshall: It should take one. We have ordered pizza, watched through binoculars and said, "That's not why I signed," or stuff like that.
Ted: The server arrives.
Robin: Please, shut up.
Barney: What?
Robin: I thought you had mentioned, sorry. (The waiter brings them two glasses of champagne) This is an engagement ring?Are you...?
Barney: No, this is not one. They had the wrong table. You can imagine we are married?
Robin: We're committed to one another.
Barney: Your business is already in my apartment.
Robin: Easier for taxes.
Barney: And for your naturalization.
Robin: "Scherbatsky" is hard to spell.
Barney: My mother would be so happy.
Robin: Yeah, I guess.
Barney: No reason not to do so.
The band is back at the bar.
Barney: We get married!
Robin: Not so loud, shit.
Lily: What did you do? I'm furious now. It will not?
Robin: You will be my bridesmaid?
Lily: Oh, my God! I'd love to!
Lily throws herself into the arms of Robin.
At Ted's apartment...
Lily: You have lost your mind? You knew they were playing that first deflates, and what? You give them an engagement ring!Okay, that's good. I care. I return to the center stage for a final rupture.
Marshall: What next?
Lily: They are up to their necks. A single argument will not suffice. We must revive the four largest arguments they've ever had, at one time. Number one, the battle of dirty dishes. Number two, the conflict of ex-girlfriends.
Flashback
The band is at the bar.
Robin: You do not know any that girl over there?
Barney: No, I do not think. (The woman bends down to pick something she brought down) No, actually, I do not know... This is Meg. I do not compare in my mind there. Can you pick me?
Robin: Really?
They argue.
End flashback
Lily: Number three, the altercation Star Wars.
Flashback
Robin is Barney.
Robin: You're not a bit old for that stupid doll?
Barney: It's not a doll. It's a stormtrooper.
Robin: He wears a diaper.
Barney: No, it's protective armor.
Robin: A stormtrooper? Rather a storm-merdeur.
Barney: Come on.
Robin: It looks like your storm-merdeur the changes we need.
Barney: You know, I'm sick.
Robin: I said nothing.
Barney: The jokes about magic, the stormtrooper...
End flashback
Lily: And, of course, the biggest, the Canadian-American w*r.
Flashback
In McLaren's...
Barney: thank you God, the song is over. Who was the old devil who sang?
Robin: You know Neil Young is my favorite musician.
Barney: She was the wife of Archie in All in the family, or the same voice?
Robin: Neil Young is a Canadian treasure. Do not make fun of Neil Young.
Barney: I never make fun of an old lady paralyzed vocal cord...
End flashback
Ted: I've found. I have found. They maile images reminding those fights.
Lily: Poor kid. This is how it will happen. They are the restau... (Lily imagines the scene) First, it rekindles debate US-Canada, when Alan Thicke, a native of Ontario, going to their table.
Ted and Marshall's arrest.
Ted: Alan Thicke?
Marshall: Oh yes. Robin was known when she sang.
Lily: They are always in contact. I had his number on the mobile Robin. Seriously... amateurs. (She plunges into the scene) So, Alan Thicke stimulus battle USA / Canada. Just then, Meg-the-crazy happens. Then, a stormtrooper happening in the street.And just when they are tired, a diver passes with a basin full of what? Dirty dishes.
Ted: This is your masterpiece.
Marshall: It takes a surveillance van!
Ted, Marshall and Lily are in a car
Marshall: A Break? Really? You have rented a station wagon?
Ted: A van costs $ 25 more.
Marshall: A Break?
Marshall looks through binoculars and approaches a man in disguise.
Robot: Greeting, Will Robinson! That a birthday?
Lily: Get in the car.
Ted: What is that thing?
Lily: They did not stormtrooper so I had to take another robot. It will work also.
Ted: Another robot? The stormtroopers are not robots.
Lily: Of course they are robots! "Must k*ll Luke Skywalker"
Ted: No one said this in Star Wars.
Marshall: Very bad robot voice.
Man: Someone ordered an extra large sausage?
Ted: A film of Barney begins like that.
Marshall: Barney Five... order something.
Man: I do not know if everything will be back.
Ted: Now you mention the movie.
Marshall: It continues. The server supports a second sheet.
Lily: We need it here. It is in hiding.
Man: You dont need a van?
Ted: A van is more expensive.
Marshall: Thank you!
Robot: Pass me a slice, Will Robinson!
Ted: If you work the costume, they will pay us.
Marshall: Stop and think only of money.
Lily: Give a hand to the stormtrooper.
Ted and Marshall: It's not a stormtrooper.
Man 2: Sorry for the delay. I was looking for a van.
Marshall: Thank you!
Ted: $ 25!
Man 2: I greet between Robin?
Lily: No, go up. Wait... When they blew the Death Star with thousands of stormtroopers it was human?
Marshall: It was the Death Star. They did not sign in the wind.
Man 2: I do not want to play with celebrities, but I have a dinner tonight, so...
Man: Someone should take this sausage!
Ted: You were in this video? The guy with the tan of a farmer?
Robot: Many want pizza, Will Robinson!
Man 2: Come on, I'm Alan Thicke!
Man: That's not why I signed.
Lily: You know what? Everyone, stop! Alan thicke, close it!Marshall is a break. Put-in-t. Ted, stop talking about p*rn. And for God's sake, give the pizza stormtrooper!
Lily takes the twins to marshall.
Ted and Marshall: It's not a stormtrooper!
Lily: Damn! They see us.
They try to hide.
Marshall: You're sure they've seen us?
A woman comes in and does little to Marshall.
Woman: I can go talk to Barney? I'm too excited. You really think he'll ask me to marry?
Marshall: Forget it is located. If you try something, they'll know it's us. We should all go...
Lily: This is my masterpiece. And then they saw us? It will work anyway.
Ted: Come on. We find something else.
Alan: I repeat, I'm Alan Thicke.
Woman: You are Alan Thicke?
Lily: Alan Thicke, to you. Go ahead.
Ted (2030): So Lily went on with his plan. First, Alan Thicke.Followed by Meg-the-wild. Then the robot. And finally, the dirty dishes. But after all that...
Lily: They kiss? They should not! Why it does not work?
Ted: Because they love.
Marshall: It was a bad spot.
Lily: What am I doing? All this was a mistake.
Robot: So... it tells you to smoke joints?
Marshall, Lily, Ted and Alan Thicke were at McLaren's.
Ted: I thought that I would not say that this coir, but... Robin and Barney, the happy couple.
Ted (2030): This is when we learned that relationships are hard but ultimately, everything comes right.
Robin joins them.
Lily: Where is Barney?
Robin: It was broken.
Ted (2030): And that's when we have forgotten the lesson they had learned ten seconds.
Flashback
Ted (2030): You see, rather in the evening, when Lily was believed that Barney and Robin had spotted us, this is what they really saw.
Barney, seeing himself in the window of the restaurant: Why this big and this old will not stop us... It's us!
Robin: Look at us. It is horrible all the time like that?
Barney: I'm not happy. Finally, I would be. Nothing would make me happier than to be happy, but... I'm not.
Robin: What are we doing wrong? We love. If it does not work, what then? We are so similar.
Barney: We love scotch. It is awesome.
Robin: That might be it. There may be too great there.
Barney: Exactly. Two awesome cancel out, and... I'm tired of being canceled.
Robin: Me too. We separate?
Barney: I think. Shit. Following happens. After which you and I can not become friends again.
Robin: It's maybe not a break. This is perhaps... two friends... who find themselves.
Alan Thicke: It's always nice to see a compatriot.
Meg-the-crazy: Good news! I forgive you for that restraining order.
Robin: It's a stormtrooper?
Barney: It's not a stormtr... We're going from here?
Alan Thicke: See you later.
Robin: In addition, Alan.
Barney and Robin go hand in hand, and Alan and Meg-the-wild on their side.
Meg-the-insane: You still live at 73rd Street?
Alan: How do you know?
Barney: Friends that are found. I like it.
Robin: One for the Road?
They kiss before leaving the restaurant.
Barney: And then who knows? Maybe in 40 years, if you have not found anyone...
Robin: I am already involved with Ted.
Barney: It's true. Thin. Maybe in 39 years, if you have not found anyone...
Ted (2030): It turned out that they had just let things happen.
End flashback
Marshall: So, how is Barney?
Robin: Well, I think. It may take a while to recover, but... You had a thrill?
Barney enters the McLaren's and everyone turns around. He again became slim.
Barney: Dad returned.
Alan: Content that is either mentioned it again.
Robin: It is getting it soon.
Lily: I love that you are always so many friends after this clip.
Alan: Clip? The video for "Sandcastles"! It was also this together.
Barney: What do you mean "too"?
Alan: We had this issue of Canadian variety that missed. It was so shameful. Imagine what would happen if someone put their hands on it?
Robin: You then.
Alan part. Robin and Barney sits down near the exit.
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x07 - The Rough Patch"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Children, go out with someone for this is simple. We must be confident, good about yourself, and course of who you are. Uncle Barney was very good on this last point, although many times it was someone else.
Barney is the bar disguised as a diver. Lily approaches a woman at the counter installed.
Lily: You see that guy over there in diving suit? You think you're going to go talk to him?
Woman: No.
Lily: Okay. This is certainly the biggest con on this planet.
Woman: How do you know?
Lily: This is one of my best friends.
Woman: And the diving suit?
Lily: It's a long story. You see, he just break...
Ted (2030): There are two basic ways to behave after a breakup.Some are dedicated solely to...
Flashback
At Ted's apartment...
Robin: My career. This is my new priority. From now on, more a date. The job.
Ted (2030): While others are dedicated solely to...
Barney: All women of New York. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mother, lock your daughters. Daughters, lock your MAQACENJaR.
Marshall: MAQACENJaR?
Ted: Wait, I can find. With Mothers Who I'd like Sunset And Never Forgot.
Barney: You have the right answer!
Lily: You're not rush a little, then?
Barney: Since I went out with Robin there is a trick that I have not used as much as I wanted. It is... rather large, surprisingly heavy, with the skin, and it's black. My friends, this is the book of... Roles.
GENERIC
Barney: The Roles book contains all the scams, trickery, deception, underhand, cunning, nonsense, and embobinages tricks I used, or expected use, to nab the girls and do their business.
Marshall: You're writing another book? Stephen King was one right there.
Barney: It's all there. Everything, starting from the basic, like Le Bois Do Not Ca...
DO NOT THE WOOD ~ ~ CA
At MacLaren's, Barney keeps women from drinking his glass.
Barney: Do not drink it. I saw a guy put something.
Woman: What? Who?
Barney: This guy.
It shows Ted, who is dumped to the ground by a man.
Woman: Thank you.
Barney:... Until more advanced maneuvers, such as the Ms. Stinsfire.
~ ~ THE Ms. STINSFIRE
In an apartment...
Women: Kappas, after our disciplinary hearing on obscene behavior last semester, we welcome a new housekeeper. I present to you Ms. Stinsfire.
Barney arrives disguised as a woman, and a feather duster in hand.
Ms. Stinsfire: Hello, girls!
Marshall: I do not see how it could not walk.
Ted: What The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn?
Barney: Glad you asked. The Lorenzon Von Matterhorn will be my comeback on stage. Or, you know, in my bed. In fact, my bed is on a stage. I put it on a platform and installed lighting. A real production. Barney goes!
He gets up from the couch and leaves.
In McLaren's...
Marshall: And you Robin? You leave it in play? Where is your book of Roles?
Robin: My book? Buddy... in two volumes, right here.
Ted: A great book.
Lily: Yeah, I'm reading it.
Robin: So, I have told you, I take a break on that side.
Ted: It's going to happen.
Marshall: Bluntly.
Robin: What?
Ted: You'll fall in love.
Marshall: Very soon.
Robin: It's unlikely, I focus on my career, finished the rencards.
Ted: We play Pyramid. What people are saying just before meeting the love.
Marshall: Kelly Harris, a fellow law school, said... "The law school is too hard, I want to focus on courses. "Six months later?Married!
Robin: It's good but...
Ted: Travis Frenchroy, replacing bartender told me... "I'm done with all these rencards. I want to concentrate on my fan fiction of Star Trek. "Six months later... Married!
Robin: I answer? It's good for them...
Marshall: Matthew Blitz, accounting job, said... "I will die alone.To focus as much on taxes this year. "Six months later? PACS and plans to marry pending the enactment of the Act currently in the Senate from New York!
Ted: It happens, whatever you say. It is a law of nature.
Marshall: Judged. By nature.
Ted: Trust me. I would not get interested in relationships. I would not be single if I wanted to be single.
Lily: Okay. Are you ready?
Ted: Ready for what?
Lily: Three years ago, Shelly started working at my school.When I saw her, I said, "It's perfect for Ted."
Ted: Why do not you talk to me now?
Three years earlier, Lily enters MacLaren's with Shelly.
Shelly: I usually hate rencards arranged but Ted looks great.
Lily: He is. It is so great and attentive and intelligent.
Marshall: Another chicken and stick to you the crown!
Ted tries to make the most of chicken fingers in his mouth.
Lily: I do not see it. It must be voluntary. So, another bar?
Lily leaves the bar with Shelly.
Ted, with chicken fingers in the mouth: This girl is super nice with Lily!
Ted: Yeah she was pretty.
Lily: It still is. And you're ready.
Marshall: But you can put three times more than chicken fingers in your mouth. You know.
Lily: I will fix it but promise me not to do anything stupid.
Ted: I promise to do anything stupid.
Ted (2030): And I kept that promise. But just because... it never came.
A school where Lily works...
Shelly: I know. I'm sorry, I am ashamed.
Lily: You should!
Shelly: This is the case!
Lily: You should! You should!
Shelly: This is the case, it does! This is false. I could not wait to meet Ted but I arrived at the bar an hour early and I met this great guy. Kind, serious genius.
Lily: And you met him at McLaren's?
Shelly: Just at the bar.
Lily: What is the name there?
Shelly: I should not say. And shit. This is Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!
Barney opened his door.
Lily: You... dirty bastard.
End flashback
Marshall, Lily, Robin, Ted and wife Lily was seeing are at the same table and watch Barney in diving suit, sitting at another table, alone.
Woman: So, he got Shelly? It must have upset you.
Lily: Bluntly.
Flashback
Lily is Barney.
Lily: I had put aside for Ted Shelly for 3 years.
Barney: My hen, Ted did not miss much. She is brainy, boring, a bit boring in bed. In fact it would have been perfect for Ted.Oops! (Lily hits him) If I had known she was there for Ted, I would have obviously not done, but... given the circumstances, I think Ted would be proud of me. I managed The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
End flashback
Woman: What The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn?
Lily: Exactly, yes.
Flashback
Lily: What The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn?
Barney: Glad you asked.
LORENZO THE VON ~ ~ MATTERHORN
Barney is on his computer.
Barney: To achieve the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn is what you need, basic knowledge in web design and a truly unique fake name. So think about your fake name right away. You? Fine.Now choose your target. (It is now at the bar) Preferably a girl with a great big... phone. (He approaches the counter Shelly installed) Yeah that's me.
Shelly: I know you?
Barney: I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Shelly: You are, kind known?
Barney: Yes. You do not know who I am, does not it? It feels good for once. Nice to meet you...
Shelly: Shelly.
Barney: Shelly? Again, I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. It is written as it is pronounced, with two "T". (He leaves) Then, once you leave, she takes out her phone and tries Lorenzo Von Matterhorn on the Internet. And that's when she discovers... A series of fake websites, all devoted to the incredible life of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. A false item of business on Lorenzo, the hermit billionaire. The fake of the Explorer Club newsletter on his trip to the North Pole in an airship, a feat of imagination and challenge. The fake medical journal with a story to make you cry the doctors saying that a reduction of the penis is not an option. And time to return... (Barney returns to Shelly) I hate to be cheeky, but I can offer you a coffee?
Shelly: Yes! Please.
Barney: How much is a coffee today, $ 50? And here we go.
He leaves the bar with Shelly.
Lily: It's horrible. You realize you've broken her heart? She is inconsolable.
Barney: Why would it be inconsolable? The airship of Lorenzo will not disappear in the Arctic for a week. Sorry if this is that someone told her that it was lies.
At school...
Shelly: It was all lies?
Lily: It was all lies.
Shelly: The expedition in the airship?
Lily: Lies!
Shelly: The artificial island in the shape of his face off Dubai?
Lily: Lies!
Shelly: Finishing third in the contest of Laser Tag?
Lily: Men... Actually, that's true. I went there.
Shelly: You went to the Vatican?
Lily: Lies!
Barney: Oh my God! Well, I hope you are pleased with you.
Lily: What?
Barney: Thou hast broken my heart.
Lily: Me?
Barney: You! She will never trust a man. You've spoiled for Ted.Not to mention Julio Von Matterhorn, the twin brother of Lorenzo.
End flashback
Lily: Do you believe? He says it's my fault. And by the way, Ted, I bet she go out with you again.
Ted: I'm thinking. Do I want to date a girl that Barney was typed?Help me for harmonies. Of course.
All, making the chorus: No way...
Lily: That must bother you a bit.
Robin: It's his life. These girls had it coming if they are stupid enough to be fooled.
Marshall: I agree. You've seen one called The Snåsa?
~ ~ THE Snåsa
Flashback
Barney at the bar with a woman.
Woman: You're an astronaut?
Barney: Actually, I'm in a top secret government space program called Secret NASA... Snåsa.
Woman: Snåsa? You went to the moon and everything?
Barney: No Moon you know, but I went on Slune.
Woman: The Slune.
End flashback
Robin: If you fall in there, you break my heart, but sorry, you're sdébile.
Woman: So, then?
Flashback
Lily: Well, Barney, you go out... You just get out of a sincere relationship. You're a big boy now. You can return to your towers to two euros.
Barney: Tours to two euros?! None of these towers is. The Tower A except two Euros.
THE TWO TOWERS ~ ~ EUROS
Barney is dressed and speaks with a woman.
Barney: I am the bassist for Tower Two Euros. And even that involves expensive hair extensions. Now, if you allow, I have to prepare for the event tonight. The I exécuterais he will not come.Glad you asked.
~ THE THERE WILL NOT ~
Barney: The To run it will not come, you will need the observation deck of the Empire State Building. Got it? Fine. For generations, this is the place chosen by New Yorkers for reunion with their lost lovers of view, you need to go to every girl and say, "He will not come."
Woman: What are you talking about?
Barney: Let it go. (He goes to another woman) He will not come.(Then another) He will not come. She's not coming? Sorry. (The woman leaves) Until... He will not come.
Woman: No? But we agreed. We always said we would meet again here. Tonight it. I'm an idiot.
Barney takes her in his arms to console her.
At the apartment, Ted and Marshall are at the console.
Robin: I'll fetch the newspaper.
Ted: Or rather, look for a husband.
Marshall: Grave.
Robin: You must stop, seriously. The last thing I'm looking for now is a relationship.
Ted: Taking the newspaper, think to watch the ads for marriages.For yours.
Marshall: It's like that. Have you any idea how many times in my life when I went to look for frozen waffles frozen in vain?
Robin: Thousands?
Marshall: Millions. But when I go in search of a mirror or the remote because Lily and I had an argument and she has hidden there, whereupon I fall? Frozen waffles. It's like that. You go out to get the newspaper, but you come back with frozen waffles.And there, frozen waffles he's a guy. As long as you're there, you take it back frozen waffles? And there, frozen waffles are... frozen waffles.
Barney, entering: Everyone, code red! Emergency. Lock.Nobody gets out.
Robin: What happened?
Barney: I tried the he will not come, and it worked. Monstrous.You should have seen this girl.
Robin: I'm leaving.
Robin fate.
Barney: So, we came up to me, and I go to my room to prepare the camera... lighting candles... and when I go out, nobody, paper and more roles! We all know who is responsible for that.
Lily: Yes, we know.
Barney: Al-Qaeda.
Lily: No, you idiot. That was me.
Barney: You... enfoirée dirty!
End flashback
In McLaren's... Barney is still dressed in diving.
Woman: You have stolen the Book of Roles? So, the daughter of the Empire State Building?
Lily: An actress friend.
Flashback
At Ted's apartment...
Barney: An actress. Of course. That explains his perfect diction and style of Drag.
Lily: I'm almost to the point of taking this book and put it on the net for everyone to see.
Barney: You would not dare.
Lily: No, as you stop scams and confidence tricks, deception, underhand, tricks, schemes and embobinages.
Barney: You did not say nonsense.
Lily: No more nonsense!
Barney: Slim.
End flashback
Robin: Sorry to interrupt but check it out.
Ted: No.
~ ~ THE Ted Mosby
Flashback
Barney pretends to Ted with a woman.
Barney: I was abandoned at the altar.
End flashback
Ted: Oh, my god, it's horrible. I wonder if it works.
Marshall: And yet this is not the worst. Do you saw My Penis grants wishes?
~ THE MY PENIS grants wishes ~
Flashback
Barney is dressed as a genius.
Woman: Really? A genie comes out?
Barney: Only if you rub hard enough.
End flashback
Woman: And what happens after it?
Ted: He starts singing and objects come alive and dance with him.
Marshall: It's not very well designed. This is not Ms. Stinsfire.
Woman: And in real life?
Lily: A few hours later...
Flashback
A knock on the door. Ted will open. Barney comes into diving suit.
Ted: Apparently, it will rain.
Barney: If you wonder, I would be at McLaren's playing a character from the Book of roles being called The Diver. That's all.
He leaves, walking with fins.
Lily: It's good. I put the Book of Roles on the Internet. Baby, you can put the Book of Roles on the Internet?
Marshall: Sure baby, but there is something odd. I flipped through the whole book. There is no role called The Diver.
Ted, Robin, Marshall and Lily have joined Barney at the bar.
Barney: Now you want to know what the diver. In fact, it was on the last page of the Book, but I pulled in case. But do not worry.You will see it in action. You see the blonde next to the bar?Cizzible repérizzée.
Lily: Barney, no. You are...
Barney: Forget it, kid. If anyone should be angry with me, this is Robin. She loves the book.
Robin: I did not worship the book.
Barney: But what...? The Book of the Rolls, this is gold. Granted this is truly spectacular.
Robin: We just broke. The costumes are nice, but... it just broke.
Barney: I did not know you felt it. I was so caught up with my own projects as... Damn, she looks out there. Quickly dispersed.
Everyone will sit at another table except Barney is left alone, and Lily goes to see the woman at the counter.
Lily: It's good. You see that guy over there in diving suit?
End flashback
Lily: And here we are.
Woman: Wait. Why he wears a wetsuit?
Marshall: I have no idea. And it's k*lling us, Claire. It kills us!
Claire: Let's ask him.
They joined Barney at his table.
Lily: So what does the diver? Claire and here, in passing.
Barney: Hello, Claire. I am Lieutenant Frank Lyman. I train dolphins b*mb detectors for... You know what? I can not do that.Robin, I'm sorry. I think this break is harder for me than expected.The Book of roles was just a way to change my mind.
Robin: It's okay. It's hard for me too. Look at me. I gave up on relationships.
Marshall: She is getting married.
Ted: I will prepare my toast.
Marshall: I have to check my tuxedo.
Robin: I'll knock your heads like two coconuts.
Lily: I'm delighted that you stop it. And frankly, the real Barney is better than all the false Barney's Book of Roles.
Barney: Is it true? Claire, you must have heard a lot about the real Barney tonight. Want some coffee?
Lily: Before refusing, you should know that in this neoprene combined with what appears to be a pair of socks...
Barney: A Pringles, but still.
Lily:... is an incredible kind. He's funny and it's one of my best friends. And he came out with this g*n.
Robin: It's a good guy.
Ted: Come on, go out with him.
Marshall: It's a coffee, huh?
Robin: It's nothing.
Claire: Okay, okay. Going for coffee.
Ted (2030): And at the end of the evening...
Barney share in the company of Claire.
Marshall: I'm proud of him. It takes a lot of Pringles to be as vulnerable.
Lily: I had a message from Barney. "Look under the table." (She looks under the table and finds an envelope) A page from the Book of Roles.
Robin: It says what?
Ted: It's The Diver.
~ ~ THE DIVER
Flashback
Barney: Step one, talk to a friend Book Roles. Step two, play with one of his colleagues and make angry she steals the Book.Step three, put the combi and say you will do a final round, The Diver with the sexy girl next to the bar. Your friend, let's call her Lily, told him everything about the book. Now the hard part.When Lily and daughter are questioning The Diver, remove the mask, and pull out the stops on your deepest insecurities that do not exist because you are awesome. Sad for you, Lily talks about you to the girl who agrees to have coffee. And... is... gone.
End flashback
Lily: You dirty bastard...!
Ted, a woman I'll call you. (The woman leaves and joins Robin and Ted Marshall) For those who count the points, The Ted Mosby works.
Marshall: It is. You say you do not want a relationship. Well, the love of your life will not pass this door, and this is... this kind.
A man with blonde hair and large between.
Robin: I will not fall in love with him.
Ted: Yes, because it is... this kind.
Between an old man in turn.
Robin: No comment. The blue jacket, it does not suit me, so...
Marshall: Right, because here it is. It is this type! (A woman enters) Let him at least a chance. Get out a bit with it, see if it can give something.
Robin: I will work.
Marshall: Yeah, right.
Robin: I'm really going to work.
Ted (2030): And the irony of history...
The studio work of Robin, a man coming towards her.
Man: You, Robin?
Robin: Yes.
Man: Don, new co-host.
Ted (2030): This was the day she met Don.
Robin: Damn, Marshall.
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x08 - The Playbook"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): In November 2009, Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily celebrated their first Thanksgiving in their own apartment. And Marshall had found the perfect turkey.
Marshall out of a taxi, the phone to your ear.
Marshall: It's beautiful. She is 10 pounds. It is organic. Do you remember my uncle Heinrek bald? Looks like his head squarely.(The taxi hand) Oh, my God! My my turkey... turkey!
He runs behind the cab to try to catch up.
Ted (2030): So when we got to the big day, Marshall was rather depressed.
Ted and Robin arrive at Lily and Marshall where Barney is already there.
Robin: We brought the turkey.
Marshall: You have brought back an old turkey replacement.Why I have not listened to the message of former mayor Ed Koch saying not to forget my business.
Robin Marshall, you do not understand.
Ted: With Robin we went to the objects found in the prefecture and there, sitting in their fridge... Is this your turkey?
Marshall: Yes! It's my turkey! Come here, my beautiful little enfoirée!
Lily: I'll go put it in the oven.
Marshall: You're the best friends in the world!
Marshall takes Robin and Ted in his arms.
Barney: It was a team effort.
Barney is going to give them a hug but Ted pushes.
Marshall: I do not know what to say. It's Thanksgiving, but "thank you" does not seem enough.
Ted: You have done the same for us.
Marshall: Yes, and you know why? Because I love you. And I'll show you how. Ted Mosby and Robin Scherbatsky, I bring you... the fourth slap.
Barney: Wait. What?
Ted (2030): Children Remember the slap bet to Marshall and Barney.
Flashback
At Ted's apartment...
Ted (2030): When Barney lost, Marshall has earned the right to slap Barney five times as hard as he can. Until then, he had used three. The third was issued two years ago at Thanksgiving 2007. A day was appointed... Baffegiving.
End flashback
Ted: You're saying...
Robin: What you think you say?
Marshall: Certainly not. Unless you were thinking... "Baffegiving two: Revenge of the lower" in this case, yes, that's what I'm saying!
Barney: The slaps are not transferable.
Marshall: Lily is the curator of the bet.
Lily: The slaps are transferable.
Robin and Ted: Transferable.
Robin: You realize that you will remain one. Are you sure you want to spend a day.
Marshall: Life is short. I tell myself, Baffe Diem. A rule, the slap must be given before sunset to avoid interference dinner Lily.
Lily: And how!
Marshall: Two, you must decide which of you will. Three, we will attach to the chair Barney, now be called The Throne of Baffe. It fits you?
Lily: Awesome.
Barney: Absolutely not!
Ted (2030): Everything was in place for this to be the best Thanksgiving. Until...
We rang the doorbell.
Lily: We expect someone else?
Ted (2030): It was someone with whom Lily had had no contact in three years.
Lily opens the door.
Lily: Dad?
GENERIC
Ted (2030): Lily and her father, Mickey, have always had a difficult relationship.
Flashback
In 1998...
Ted (2030): Mickey's dream was to invent the best game of American society. But his ideas were always weird.
Lily Young: Doo-Dah? You missed my dance recital.
Mickey: Yes, sweetie, but look! I just finished my new board game h*t, "The Merchant of Sleep in Tijuana."
Lily Young: Doo-Dah? You missed my meeting gymnastics.
Mickey: Yes but it's good! "Car Battery. How long can you hold?"Hey, Princess. Take that.
He shows clips to charge car batteries.
Lily Young: Doo-Dah? I had a nightmare.
Mickey: Well, just play the new game from Dad, "There is a demon clown under the bed."
Lily by shouting.
End flashback
Ted (2030): All his life, Mickey disappointed Lily. And she did it with, so far in 2006, when Lily went to see his grandparents.
Flashback
In 2006, Marshall and Lily visit the grandparents of the latter.
Marshall: Rita, you are anxious... to move to Florida?
Rita: Well, my dear, slight change of plan. We stay here for now.
Grandfather was a minor setback financially.
Voice: The straw of my mini-juice broke! Man, hurry! What a nice surprise.
Lily: What has happened with your apartment?
Mickey: I had a little problem with my roommate.
Lily: What has happened?
Mickey: He wanted me to pay rent. It has ended badly.
Lily: You should pay rent to live in the basement of your parents.
Mickey: It's not my first choice. With the old schnoques up there it's a little disturbing. They do not understand the trick of the sock on the handle.
Marshall: They surprised you with a girl?
Mickey: In a sense.
Grandfather soon sweetie. I go to work.
Lily: Working? You are retired.
Grandfather: Now that I have another mouth to feed I had to return to the mill. Where is my truss?
Lily: You not only prevented them from moving to Florida but you obliged to rework grandfather?
Mickey: Just the time to share my games with my Aldrin limitless SENSAS last game ', "Fighting dogs".
Ted (2030): And Lily threw a glance at her father that Marshall had seen only a few times. A look that we all pray not to receive, his eyes "You're d*ad to me."
End flashback
Ted (2030): Which brings us back to Thanksgiving 2009.
Mickey: I brought "The Disease"!
Lily he closes the door in his face.
Lily: What is he doing here?
Marshall: I do not know but we should bring him in and discover.
Lily: I want to see him! Returns it!
Lily hand in the room while Marshall will open the door.
Marshall: Stay there, okay? We will solve the problem.
Mickey: Take your time, amigo. All is well as I "Of Diseases"!Having fun is contagious.
Marshall closes the door.
Robin: I hope Lily is well.
Ted: Me too. She speaks little, but that thing with his father gave him much trouble.
Barney: Tell me which of you is going to slap me!
Ted: What?
Barney: I die, I, here. Ted takes a chip, I jump! Robin arranges her hair, I jump! I jump all the time. It's bad for my skin. It gives me wrinkles. Wrinkles!
Marshall and Lily are in the room.
Marshall: Lily, go. It's been 3 years. This is long enough.
Lily: The equity in my life brings me nothing but stress. It's easier that he is d*ad to me.
Marshall: I've supported when our neighbor, Mr. Sias, died in your sight.
Flashback
Lily comes out on the landing and his neighbor is about to go home.
Lily: This is our journal.
Neighbor: You will have it in 15 minutes. 20 or more. I ate a steak last night.
End flashback
Marshall: And when Whitney, your maid of honor, had died in your sight.
Flashback
Lily prepares for her wedding.
Robin: You're worth it!
Female: The color is gorgeous!
Lily: Thank you, girls.
Whitney: I'm not a fan of strapless.
End flashback
Marshall: I even understood when Mr. Park to the grocery store downstairs was d*ad in your eyes.
Flashback
Lily is in a grocery store.
Lily: A coffee, please. But only if it is decaf. I want to sleep tonight.
Grocer: $ 1.50.
Man: Coffee normal.
Grocer: $ 1.50.
Lily: I'm sorry. Are you sure mine is decaf? You used the same coffee.
Grocer: I lied to him to him. Okay?
Lily: OK (She leaves the grocery store, coffee in hand. In his bed while sleeping Marshall)... You dirty bastard! (It returns in pajamas to the grocery store) It was not decaf!
End flashback
Marshall: I've supported with these unknowns, but it's your father, okay? We can at least give him some turkey?
Lily: No.
Marshall: Go. Please, I can not ask him to leave at Thanksgiving.
Lily: You did not ask. Tell him it's just important that it is here. In less than two, it will be a games convention in Toledo, to give money to your dental apparatus in a so-called Milton Bradley.
Marshall: He was trying to earn money to feed his family.
Lily: No, that's what mom was doing with his two jobs. This man broke my heart every day for 20 years.
Marshall: So we can give pieces of chicken not cooked.
In the lobby of Marshall and Lily...
Ted: Seriously Robin, you should have the slap. You're a big baffeuse. In fact, I want to study the slaps in your tutoring. I wanna be your apprentice-slap.
Robin: Do not underestimate. You're a rock star of slaps. Your name should be Eric Baffe-PTON.
Barney: This is t*rture. Put me in the chair...
Ted: The Throne of Baffe.
Barney: And finish it!
Robin: It's all yours.
Ted: No. To you, I insist.
Robin: Okay, I will.
Ted: Great. Wait, what?
Robin: I say I'll slap.
Ted: What, so it's... the end of the discussion?
Robin: You said I could slap.
Ted: I was polite. If someone will slap, it will be me.
Robin: No, not at all.
Barney: This is interesting.
In the room of Marshall and Lily...
Marshall: It's your family. And I'm sorry but we do not separate the family.
Lily: It's easy for you to say that, you come to the family the most ridiculously close to the world.
Marshall: It is not ridiculously close.
Lily: Really? And the Eriksen family dinner every Sunday?
Flashback
Marshall's parents, the family is at the table.
Father: Everything looks delicious, mom Eriksen.
Mother: Thank you, daddy bear. Marshall, will you say grace?
Marshall, in video on the computer: Well, I would be happy, Mom. Everyone, please, give your hands. Dear Lord...
End flashback
Lily: I'm sorry but it's weird.
Marshall: A family must be close like that. And I want our future family is. And that includes your father.
Lily: I can not believe you take her part. Let me be clear. This man will never set foot in this house, ever!
Marshall opens the door.
Marshall: It will take about 5 minutes.
Mickey, sitting on the floor: I hope it's soon. I lose the w*r against hemorrhoids.
Marshall: It's a disease?
Mickey: No.
He closes the door. Then leaves the room to join Lily.
Robin: We have one hour before sunset, and none of us baffera Barney.
Ted: Let me do it. It was my idea to call the objects found in the prefecture.
Barney: It's a good point. Rebuttal?
Robin: I slipped a note of the type 20!
Barney: philosophical riddle. Idea against execution. Itemize your arguments.
Ted: I brought this large turkey so far.
Robin: I paid the taxi.
Ted: You've slept with one of my best friends!
Robin: What? You said it was fine.
Ted: Well, no!
Robin: Why did not you say anything?
Ted: Because I love you always!
Robin: You really want to slap Barney the point of lying and pretending to be in love with me?
Ted: I really want to slap!
Lily brings the turkey on the table.
Marshall: Your father has made mistakes in the past, but it has changed. He moved out of your grandparents. He has a job. He pays his taxes.
Lily: Wait, how you know all this?
Marshall: Gender, body language. Okay, we had a drink last week.
Flashback
Marshall is with McLaren's Lily's father.
Mickey: I miss her so much. My little princess. She talks about me?
Marshall: Yeah, kind, all the time. She tells this story all the time...
Mickey: Never?
Marshall: No, not a word. But that does not have to be like that.We can fix that, right?
Mickey: I always thought it would arrange the marriage. I even wrote a speech. But hey, not invited '. Thin, I have not even seen the wedding photo.
Marshall: And right before my eyes, your father broke down in tears. (Actually, it's Marshall who starts crying) Stop it! You come to Thanksgiving!
End flashback
Lily: You've invited?!
Marshall: The poor man was sobbing. What could I do? A fool and called him a girl, what I found unjustified.
Lily: I do not believe you. What gives you the right to do that?
Marshall: You and I are married. So it is also part of my family.(Marshall will open the door for the third time) Enter.
Lily left the apartment.
Robin, Marshall, Ted and Mickey playing a game of it.
Mickey: Ted, you should play quickly. Your gallbladder is about to explode.
Marshall: It must be half an hour. We should get Lily.
Mickey: You have to let it calm down. Finish the game.
Barney: Repeat-a. The first seven!
Ted: Robin Shit! I knew Barney first. This is for me to slap.
Robin: This slap is mine, Mosby. I never slap Barney... above the belt.
Ted: I want to slap Barney since I met him!
Robin: And I would not slap?
Ted: One second. This slap was supposed to be a wonderful thing, a gift, and it has turned against each other.
Robin: My God, you're right. This fruit has changed in immaculate slap-poisoned apple. You know what? Seriously, do it.
Ted: Are you sure?
Robin: Baffe-solument.
Marshall: We should really get Lily.
Mickey: Ted, gall bladder about to fart.
Ted: It's decided. Barney, go. Come on the throne.
Barney: You're gonna...
Ted: Yep. Go.
Barney: I guess this is the best choice, Robin. Finally... the men are stronger than women.
Barney is on "the throne".
Ted: Do not listen. It's decided.
Barney: And that's what you always wanted, is not it? A strong man to take care of you? Of course, teenager, you were a feisty, playing hockey with the boys, you skinned your knees on the ice. But what you could say to your teammates... or even to yourself... that is all you really wanted was this pretty white dress in this beautiful white chapel. And at the end of the aisle strewn with pretty white flowers, a man to take care of all your slaps.
Robin: Leads to me!
Ted holds it.
Ted: Robin! Pull yourself together! (The timer sounds and "something sprung from the game) What just happened?
Mickey: Sorry, Ted. expl*si*n of the gallbladder. You stand back 3 spaces.
Marshall: You come here and you watch your daughter go without care. And now you destroy the Thanksgiving dinner! Lily is on it since this morning!
Mickey: Relax. This is not true of bile. It is of Chinese painting to lead. And bile horse.
Ted (2030): And at that time, Marshall is launching a look at Mickey none of us had ever seen.
Mickey: What is it? It does what?
Ted: You have swallowed this painting?
Marshall: This is my look "you're d*ad to me."
Mickey: Yeah, Lily does it better...
Marshall: Get out of my house!
Marshall finds Lily at the grocery store.
Marshall: In Mr. Park... I was not expecting to find you here. Lily, I'm sorry. Just let me express myself. I thought the family was right but it's wrong. It is a privilege, and it deserves it. I put your father out. And I promise you, baby, I do... you never force her to see him again. (Lily starts to cry) What? Baby, what has happened?
Lily: Marshall, I came here because I was cold and it was the only place that was open. I would not even look at Mr. Park in the eye. And then I discovered that... Mr. Park's death. He really died for me. And if I feel so bad to have never forgiven Mr. Park, a guy who literally did not mean anything to me? We have to get my father.
Marshall takes off his coat and gave it to Lily.
Ted (2030): And that's the way to Thanksgiving 2009, your aunt Lily was a miracle. (Lily and Marshall arrive at the door of their apartment, when Mickey's father, Lily, was released. She throws herself into his arms) It has brought a man to life.
Entire band, and the father of Lily are at the table.
Marshall, tapping on a glass: Everyone. Before we begin, Barney, we'll need you on the throne of Baffe.
Barney: Commissioner of the bet-Baffe, tie me to the chair is a violation...
Lily: Less talking shop, more slaps.
Marshall: You just 2 minutes. You decided which of you will be entitled to a slap in the face to Barney?
It attaches to Barney "Throne".
Robin: It's gonna be Ted.
Ted: What? Why me?
Robin: Last year you were abandoned at the altar. You lost your job. You did so along way. I am so proud of you, Ted. You deserve to slap someone in the face as hard as you can.
Ted: Thank you.
Barney: This is the worst.
Ted gets up and is about to slap Barney when he stops.
Ted: You just go through a break... and even though I know that you and Barney are remained on good terms, there is not a part of you, well hidden that wants to slap in the face?
Robin: Yes
Ted: I know.
Barney: It's downright hell.
Ted and Robin hug.
Ted: Okay.
Robin is about to slap...
Barney: It hurts!
Robin: I can not do it. I can not take that away from you, Ted.
Ted: I do not either.
Barney: thank you God.
Robin: So, I want to move. Mickey?
Barney: No way!
Robin: I'm glad you and Lily try to fix things. You want to welcome into our family, I would like to offer you the slap.
Mickey: Really? It's a bit weird for me, I just met Barney and I have nothing against him but how many times have we a chance to slap someone in the face?
It stretches and then...
Barney: Gently!
Mickey: I'm sorry. I can not do it.
Barney: thank you God.
Mickey: I know I have not been a good father.
Barney: You're kidding me.
Mickey: So for all dance recitals that I missed, for all the art exhibitions that I should attend... for the wedding that I was not able to offer you... I give you, to you This slap.
Barney: No. No, no, no, no. It is the Commissioner of the bet-Baffe. It must remain impartial!
Lily: The Commissioner of the bet-Baffe says it's good.
Barney: It's not good. Please... Let me...
Lily: Close your eyes. It will soon be over.
It warms the hand and stops.
Barney: I'm running in a meadow.
Lily: I can not do it. Why I can not do it?
Marshall: Because... the slap did exactly what I hoped. It brought us together. And it forced us to recognize the weakness and at the same time the greatness in ourselves and in others.
Barney: Stop your bullshit.
Marshall: And so... there will not slap... of... today.
It separates the Barney "Throne".
Barney: This is the best Thanksgiving...
Barney and Marshall gets up the slap, knocking him to the ground.
Marshall: 4! So the turkey?
Voices: A new home Aldrin Games, is... The Bet-Baffe! The game of happy slaps which is a box. (Children are playing, and a little boy slap a girl, then they laugh) You got slap. Right in the face, my friend... For children of all ages. You got slap. It really happened... Everyone saw! Everyone laughed and applauded because it was great...
Boy: I won!
Voice:... The way you got yourself slap. Baffez you like crazy with the Pari-Baffe, Aldrin in a carton. No child was slap while filming the ad.
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x09 - Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted's apartment
Marshall: Well, I received another.
Robin: What's there in the box? What there was in the boiiite?What there was in the boiiiiiite?! What there was in the boiiiiiiite?! Not bad eh? Nothing. I'm the idiot huh? What there was in the box?
Ted: Since Lily and Marshall have their apartment, her mother keeps sending him old things she wants to get rid.
Marshall: Well done 'man, right on target this time. I really needed the right arm of Himan, and this old book of Mad Libs.Pet went to fart to fart loud. This is good. Thank you 'man.
The phone rings and Ted wins.
Ted: Hello?
Older woman: Ted Mosby?
Ted: Yes.
Elderly Woman: The window is open.
Ted: What?
Elderly Woman: The window is open.
Ted: The window is open.
Marshall: What are you waiting for? Ted, run!
Ted puts his jacket over and out of the apartment.
Ted: Lily, the window is open. Fight your way, watercourse Ted, run!
He runs and then arrives at an apartment where a young woman comes out.
Woman: Ted?
Ted: Hey, Maggie. I was just, you know, hmm... How are you?
Maggie: I think I'm fine. Actually no, I'm not well. I just broke up with my boyfriend.
Ted: Oh, sorry for you. Wanna go out tonight?
Maggie: Yes, of course.
GENERIC
The band is at McLaren's.
Marshall: Come on, tell me that happened to you on time?
Ted: I arrived!
Robin: What's happening? What is this window?
Ted: You see how everyone knows a person, and whatever happens, this person is perfect for you.
Robin: My cats.
Marshall: Lily.
Barney: That girl over there.
Ted: Well this girl was and still is Maggie Wilks.
Marshall: We went to college together, she's great. Everybody liked him.
Barney: Oh I know what we do here. Tell me when it stops.
Ted: It was not the fact that Maggie was good. It was the...
Marshall: It was the perfect girl next door.
Ted: It was the perfect girl next door. And still is. All the guys who meet Maggie fall madly in love with her. And that's the problem. Since I know her, she has been single for only three short windows of time.
Flashback
Ted goes to Maggie.
Ted: When she moved here and broke up with her boyfriend in college, I waited one month, not to go for the spare wheel. And the spare wheel well, he stayed two years. After their breakup, I have waited a week. Late again. She stayed with guys for 3 years.
End flashback
Ted: The third time, I was super fast. I got not even one hour after their breakup. The only thing she has made between the break and I arrived, it's down to her mail.
Flashback
Ted: Late again. And she went out with him four years. I would not let me have it again. So I begged her neighbor, Ms. Doglas, call me when she and David have broken loose.
End flashback
Ted: And now, a single and Maggie is available along the way to this bar right now. I made him take a taxi with a woman driver for there is no interaction with a man, so far.
Barney: Even when I arrived here, she still will not touch with a man. I feel good tonight, this evening will be well.
Marshall: This is my overalls. I wore this little baby, during high school.
Robin: Hey, you were really a virgin before he met Lily.
Marshall: It was not necessary.
Lily: She's right baby, if you had worn it in college, even I would not have slept with you. And if you remember, I wanted to.
Barney: No way, no one could sleep while wearing it. Challenge accepted. I, Barney Stinson, brilliant mind in an extraordinary body, this will overalls, and lie with a woman.
Robin: I went out with this guy.
Ted: Ok, game plan Maggie arrives, a few minutes of gathering and presentation, and everyone leaves us. This is my only chance, and I will not go wrong.
Robin: You do not give a lecture tonight?
Ted: Damn!
Lily: Oh my God, good evening.
Maggie arrives.
Ted: I want you to Maggie Robin, my roommate.
Maggie: Nice to meet you.
Robin: Likewise.
Ted: I completely forgot, I teach a class tonight. How would you like to come and see what happens during an architecture?
Maggie: Ooh, not even a little. I'll stick with Marshall and Lily, that's fine.
Ted: Super. Sit down, put yourself at ease. Relaxed, everything is relaxed. Listen, you want me to find the perfect girl for you so all together, it's her. Do not let a guy to approach her. No server to take our order, clean the table, and if it ignites, I want a female firefighter to extinguish.
Marshall: I think that emergencies are taking applications like that.
Ted: Marshall Good God, do what you need to keep single until my return. I pay the bill, but do not abuse.
Ted leaves for his course.
Marshall and Lily are in front of the toilet bar.
Marshall: Target secure?
Lily: Target secure.
Marshall: Wow, weird, pulled out all the toilets at the same time.
Lily: Let's go to the table all together.
Marshall: Look at that, our table.
Lily, a man: Get out!
Barney arrives at the bar with the overalls of Marshall.
Robin: Your challenge not interest me but you're cheating. Wear a suit under the overalls.
Barney: No. They are called not on the shirt, or on t-shirts for wholesale repairing the car and my mother spent some time with her top. They are called overalls, and I can relate to what I want.
Robin: Oh it does not tell you goodnight, he tells you how he feeds his horses. I could sit there and tell jokes Farmer on you all night. Challenge accepted.
Ted can continue.
Ted: Good evening, tonight we will quickly see the different bridges. There are 6 types of bridges, small, large, with suspension and three others. You land on each side and water in the middle. See you next week.
Student: It was a course of 1 hour.
Ted: Who wants to hear me talk about bridges for 1 hour? (All raise their hands) Really?
At the bar, Marshall and Lily always watch Maggie.
Lily: I just remembered how Ted is awesome.
Maggie: Bizarre as drinking game.
Barney: I offer you a drink?
Robin: It was a big tractor 3-axis.
Barney: What do I do?
Architecture course Ted.
Ted: One important thing to remember when designing a bridge.
Student: Maggie?
Ted: No. Finally yes. When you design a bridge remember: "Make Adjustments... Fetch energetically" ("Make Ajustments Energize Go Get It" Maggie acronym in English) Good advice in general too.
Student: Professor Mosby, Maggie is someone special?
Ted: No, I mean it's just that girl that interests me very long time.And tonight this is my chance to get away with it.
Student 2: It's Good?
Ted: Yes Jamie, she is very pretty. We can now finish the course. Betty?
Betty: Maggie is finally free, but you Professor, are you ready for a serious relationship?
Ted: Bluntly. I think. Perhaps. I dunno, you think what?
In McLaren's...
Marshall: Oh my God, I had totally forgotten that.
Maggie: What is it?
Marshall: A duty that day of my 15 years. Write a letter to your future you with a list of things you hope to do. "Dear Future Me..."
Flashback
In 1993, Marshall is in his room at his desk, dressed in his overalls and he writes.
Marshall: "... you better drive a camaro or a super van. This is priority numero uno. And your ponytail should happen to you at the knees. You can always dunk course and change your name to "Vanilla Thunder". Your wife, girlfriend, 1m80, a great body and take care of yourself. "
End flashback
Marshall: Sorry darling.
Lily: No problem, you just described your mother.
Maggie: Continuous.
Flashback
Marshall: "You still wear overalls faded because it looks torn.And more importantly, you better save the world, and if you became a poor guy then throw yourself off a cliff, because you suck. And I "Licky boom boom down".
End flashback
Lily and Maggie laughs the last sentence of Marshall.
Marshall: Yes that's right, it's hilarious, I became a business poor guy. I work for GNB, the bank most unhealthy existence.
Maggie: Oh come on Thunder vanilla, everyone should grow up and get a job.
Lily: I remember in college, Maggie wanted to be a marine biologist by day and tutor children in difficulty at night. What you ended up doing?
Maggie: These things.
Marshall rises.
Lily: Baby, where you going?
Marshall: I have to do something at work, it will not be long.
Maggie: What did he?
Lily: Oh no, I think he'll resign. Sorry Maggie, I have to go stop him. (Lily comes out in pursuit of Marshall, leaving Maggie alone. A man turns to Maggie) Ted I had to leave the bar but it's good she is with Robin.
Ted: You're left with Maggie Robin?
Robin: Relax, everything is under control.
Ted: You do not understand, this girl is like a magnet to men... overkill.
Robin: I know a little something about loving to men... you see me as one of those magnets that can not put a picture of your children on the fridge. But I am one of these magnets... that can pick up cars in scrap yards...! (Robin returns to the table where she finds a man with Maggie) Who is it?
Maggie: Robin, this is a good friend of Jim's work.
Robin: Oh, well... hello you!
Jim, without looking at Enchanted!
During Ted...
Ted: What does mean to be ready? I thought I was ready last year and I was left on the altar. I'll be honest. I'm scared! Ok, Luis and Betty!
Luis: We're all scared, Professor Mosby.
Betty: Do not be afraid you did not know that it's something important?
Ted: I mean, if you're not afraid you do not try your luck... and if you do not try your luck then... What are you doing? Not?
Jamie: I think you're ready buddy.
At the bar, Maggie laughs with Jim and Robin watching.
Maggie: You're too funny!
Robin: Funny? I think it's hilarious. In fact, I liked so much that I think I'm pissed.
Jim: I'd better go. I go to the first of this photo exhibition we talked about at work. I have a ticket if you want more?
Robin: I'd love to!
Ted is about to leave.
Ted: Ok, I gotta go!
Jamie: Just one last tip: M.A...
All:... G.G.I.E!
His phone rings.
Ted: Hello?
Robin: Ted, change of plans!
She is out with Jim ready to take a taxi.
Ted: You let him with Barney?
Barney: Ted, will you calm down? I'm your pal!
Ted: You're an animal!
Barney: And I know our relationship has suffered in this area, I assure you I'll be the perfect gentleman.
Maggie: Thank you! In fact, I love this bib!
Barney: You have 10 minutes to get here, the window closes.
Ted: 10 minutes?
Barney: Yeah, because we're friends!
Ted Short.
Ted (2030): While I was running through the city to return to the bar, your Aunt Robin was doing his best to keep Jim away from Maggie.
Robin is the photo exhibition with Jim.
Jim: You could go to the bar, Maggie is still there?
Robin: Oh, it's not possible! I love pictures of dogs ironic. You got it there with the dog Welsh dwarf who is a missionary?
Jim: I'll take a taxi, I feel bad for leaving Maggie alone.
Robin: And if you took a glass of wine first? (It shatters his glass on it voluntarily) Oooh boy! I'm dirty, it's me! I'm just a dirty, dirty girl... that would defeat the second base with a friend of a friend.Tui love it! It's pig!
Jim: I'll call Maggie to see what it does.
Robin: Oh my God, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie. Leave her alone!Lord, she goes out with Ted tonight.
Jim: Ted? And Devon?
Robin: They have broken.
Jim: Maggie is single?
Robin: It tells me nothing!
Jim hand and the server comes to Robin with a cloth to wipe her her dress.
Server: I can remove it? Please?
Ted, always current: I hate Barney Stinson!
Voice: Me too!
Ted (2030): Lily finally arrived at GNB. But the place was deserted.
Lily Marshall is on a basketball court.
Lily: Hey baby! I thought you came here to resign... I forgot the basket.
Marshall: Yeah, I thought so... so I got to do something on this list I will feel more so old so I... I came here to dunk.
Lily: Do it helped you feel better?
Marshall: I just touches the bottom of the net. You know my legs are so bad that I have a hard time getting approved.
In McLaren's...
Barney: Really...
Ted comes running at the bar.
Ted: How could you?
Barney: I'm challenged to have sex with overalls. And if you stay on my path, then you let Barney win. And you do not want that!This place will never tell us the end of history.
Jim: Thank God! Maggie! (Ted and Barney stops him) I love that girl.
Ted: Put yourself on the line Bob!
Barney: Yeah, I'll sleep with her. After, he'll tell her he loves her.And you can do... what you want. Is there agreement on the order?
Robin, Jim: Sir! You just missed... the night of your life! The night... of your life.
Jim: I'm in love with her for 5 years!
Ted: I'm in love with her for 12 years!
Barney: I wear this jumpsuit since 1:30!
Marshall and Lily are always the basketball court.
Lily: Maybe you can not dunk now. But you did more in 30 years that this 15 year old could have dreamed. You are a graduate of law. You had the good sense to cut you that stupid ponytail. And, you married this super b*mb that is unlike any points to your mother. This entitles you to 30 cm less to dunk. (She drops a little basket) Go ahead Thunder vanilla!
Marshall: remote!
He rushes forward, touches the bottom of the net and falls.
Lily: Oh, Baby! And if instead of going to dunk on your desk... you allongeras and I'd put the banana oil everywhere?
Marshall: Sure baby. Why we would not do that here?
Lily: Sure baby.
At the Bar, Ted, Barney and Jim will argue that Maggie.
Ted: Guys, guys, guys! We must fix that.
Jim: We continue to negotiate until we have a very small window of opportunity.
Barney: Guys, let me assure you that if you let me... the window will reopen in about 10 minutes.
Ted: Wait, where is Maggie?
Robin: She's gone!
Ted: What?
Robin: I told him to return. You were like vultures... fighting for his carcass. Let her be single for once.
Jim: What enfoirée!
Ted: Wait, she's right. Maggie deserves a little time for her.Nobody likes to be alone, especially after a break but... This is where we discover who we really are... and what you really want. She deserves it!
Ted (2030): Children, I thought. That's why I'm not proud of what he was after...
Ted runs out followed by Jim and Barney.
Ted, in front of Maggie: It was after the corner!
He knocks on the door behind him and Jim Barney.
Ted: Oh, sorry, the course we had a little... Who is it?
Maggie: It's Adam. It's crazy, we grew up together was not forced to see since...
Adam: Very long time!
Ted (2030):... That's when Maggie told us the second most beautiful love story I heard.
Flashback
We see the story of Maggie and Adam take place over the years.
End flashback
Adam: I just moved to town and I've grown up a bit.
Maggie: I think you have much to catch up.
Ted: Yeah, sure!
Ted (2030): So the kids, I'm left with... the neighbor because the neighbor.
Ted: Well... I'll see you next time!
Ted (2030): There was never a next time. The window of Maggie never reopened.
Barney: Well, I found! There are bars country, "the giddy ups", there are tons of guys in overalls. Copilot me!
Ted: I do not want the "giddy ups." That's what I want. I had forgotten how it felt to seeking the real thing... but I think I'm ready again.
Barney: Let me tell you where I am... I want to sleep with a girl in order to remove this jumpsuit. (From Ted) Go, go. You gotta help me, I have to remove this damn thing.
Older woman: Hey you! I love your overalls!
At the bar, Marshall wrote a letter to him his future.
Marshall: Dear Marshall 60 years... Now you would work in a place that contributes to a better world. Or at least you try. No pressure man! I mean, sir. So... If time travel is possible, could you give me a little sign? Tuesday, December 8 at 8:29 p.m.....
Lily: Someone sent these chicken wings because they were too hot. I do... too hot, you're crazy? So chicken wings free.
Marshall: Old Marshall, as long as you're married to Lily you'll be fine.
Waitress at the old Marshall: Sir, it is for us. Sorry that the wings were so hot.
Old Marshall: Oh dear, it's not that they were too hot. It's just that I've ever had before. Much earlier!
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x10 - The Window"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
In 2030, Ted tells his children always to the history of the encounter with their mother.
Ted (2030): Children, in 2009, your Aunt Robin was the host of "Welcome to New York." And she was released early. How soon?
The cameraman sleeps standing before his camera.
Robin: Mike? Wake up!
Ted (2030): And then everything changed.
Robin returned to the apartment where Ted played the console.
Robin: Have you seen my show?
Ted: I wanted to watch it but I was too busy sleeping with this story. It took me all night, after 8 hours of the clock.
Robin: It's not serious, but listen to this! After the show...
Flashback
Robin at work, a man approaches her.
Man: Are you Robin?
Robin: Yes.
Man: I'm Don, your new co-presenter.
Ted (2030): Don was Don Franck. A veteran of the morning shows... and a former host of 38 local programs across the country watched. This guy was a legend in the middle.
End flashback
Ted: Wow, you're going you do too.
Robin: No, I just think it will be great both on the air.
Ted: And on the couch, the bed and on the coffee table.
Robin: Ok, ok, I'll go on the roof and stay there all alone 5 minutes.
Ted: Have fun.
Ted (2030): And that's exactly what she did. She just stayed there. Okay kids, I'm a little liar with you. This is not what she did.That's what she did.
Robin: Okay, okay, I'll go smoke a cigarette.
Children of Ted: What?
Ted (2030): I promised never to tell you. But occasionally, your Aunt Robin was enjoying a cigarette. And occasionally, the occasional cigarette. Was more than just casual.
Marshall, Barney and Ted entered the apartment while Robin does his gym.
Barney: I just let something like that to my apartment.
Ted: Robin, going, going on the roof! We said no smoking in the apartment... after that you have set f*re by the pumps.
Robin: Okay, very good, very good.
Marshall: Yeah Robin, I mean my God... not only is it a bad habit but... Do I have one?
Robin: Of course.
Children of Ted: What?
GENERIC
Ted (2030): Children, your Uncle Marshall would not like at all that you know that. But he also smoked from time to time.
Flashback
In 1991...
Ted (2030): It started when he was 13. During an event camping in Minnesota.
Boy: Come on Marshall, it's Christmas! This holiday feast!
Marshall: But just one. This is the first and the last cigarette of my life.
In 2006...
Ted (2030): And this was the first of many, many cigarettes last of his life.
Marshall: Okay, I'm done, I Quit!
In 2007 and 2008...
Marshall:... last cigarette... my life.
End flashback
Ted (2030): And then what I had heard many times before.
Marshall: last cigarette of my life.
Ted: What are you doing, you have not smoked in 6 months. Is it about "MacGrib"? It closed guy, forget it.
Marshall: I'm worried about work, ok? They just hired a new chief legal department... and it will turn people.
Ted: So that's why you're worried?
Barney: The new head of legal department is Hobes Arthur.
Ted: Is Arthur a*tillery? Your former leader.
Ted (2030): Arthur Hobes is the worst leaders as Marshall or anyone have had. The last time Marshall had worked for him... it ended like that.
Flashback
Marshall: I quit!
End flashback
Ted: Is it always rebounded against you?
Marshall: Worse!
Flashback
Arthur: Sorry, who are you?
Marshall: I have Marshall Eriksen. We had a pretty intense argument. As I've suggested that you take your head and you put yourself in the..., inside you. At a place that could reduce its exposure to the sun.
Arthur: Yeah, that describes 95% of my employees and my family. Except my dog. It's such a good boy. Well, I'll see you later... um Rendal Rilgurson.
Marshall: Marshall Eriksen.
Arthur: The film Gary Taker, right?
End flashback
Ted: Wow, he not remember you.
Barney: Not great, it does not matter that Arthur Hobes not like Marshall, he loves no one. It is the people he knows that he has to separate. He just fired, "What's his head? ".
Marshall: It turned 'What is his head? "Ted! And "What's his head? "Was priceless.
Ted: Look, I understand you to be upset but this is not a reason to k*ll you.
Barney: Yeah, after you turn'm doing... then you can k*ll you. As "What is his head? ". Now I think it is, where is his head?
Marshall: Look, it's just two cigarettes. Ok, I can collect 2. As it is not 3 within 24hrs I replongerai yet.
Ted: What will Lily say when you learn that you smoked?
Marshall: Lily did not discover. I have a system.
Ted (2030): Oh, yes, the system of Marshall.
Flashback
He smokes and then wash thoroughly and put the perfume.
Marshall: Well, Lil '!
Lily: You got smoked!
Marshall: Damn!
End flashback
Ted (2030): The next morning, your Aunt Robin was finally launched. She finally went on air with a real pro.
Mike: In 3... 2... 1...
Robin: Hello, I'm Robin Scherbatsky!
Don: And I'm Don... Frank! Two teenagers were arrested yesterday for stealing a police truck. No, I'm sorry not a cart, a police car. Damn! Brain fart! You with me? Oh, look at the teleprompter is still running. Something about a woman giving birth... on a bus. Well, we will not resume in the middle, we'll wait until the end. And, she cut the cord with a metro ticket. We come back! And it's good!
Robin: But what was that? Don, you said Pet brain!
Don: Robin, you're a bit like a nice kid but this is my 39th local newspaper. And all this time I learned three things: prevention of all sushi restaurants at will before work. Do not go to the bathroom while you're still on the air. And 3: at this time, all your audience... it's a guy who is half drunk and in his underwear.
Mike: Back in 5... 4...
Robin: Well, let a good program for what is half drunk.
Don: The guy in half drunk thank you.
He gets up... without pants.
Ted (2030): The next day, Marshall was so crave a cigarette it made him mad. So he decided to take a little air.
Marshall out on the roof where his boss is already there.
Arthur: Oh, no! You're not here to jump, does not it? I have turned many people today... and I would not do another jump ruin my record. Oh, cigarettes?
Marshall: No, no thank you!
Arthur: Too bad! Geoffrey you know why I miss? We used to smoke. People are now replaceable. But you share a cigarette with someone and you have a real link.
Marshall: You know what? I'll take one.
Arthur: Ok!
Marshall: Marshall I am aware. It was Marshall, Marshall Eriksen.
Arthur: Tell me something Marshall Eriksen. Would you like to see a photo of the cutest dogs in the world? Good boy!
Marshall and Lily goes home is on the couch to read.
Marshall: Hey!
Lily: You got smoked!
Marshall: Yes, I smoked! And it was my third day. You know what that means? I'm a smoker now. Everything is ruined. I bought a packet coming back, and a lighter... and a Viking lamp that has nothing to do, but I saw in the window and I liked it.
Lily: Damn Marshall. It has four lamps and Viking smoking kills.
Marshall: It was to create a link with my boss, you should have seen me up there.
Flashback
Marshall: It's a beautiful dog. And it is your children?
Chief: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Hey, hey, look what I got at the supermarket! (He shows his t-shirt under his shirt) he is! There he is! Go ahead, pet him now! Yeah, go! He loves it. Caress her chin!
End flashback
Lily: I do not care about your reasons, you know what I think of smoking. Now give me the cigarettes! And the lighter. (Lily lights a cigarette) Aaah, that thing!
Children of Ted: What!
Ted (2030): Oh yes, add your aunt Lily in the list! While your Uncle Marshall has relapsed, your aunt Lily has been trained with him.
Robin is at work.
Don: What are you doing?
Robin: You should know that I tried to contact the town hall so we could get the mayor on the show.
Don: My God, you are adorable. The mayor does not come in emissions that no one is watching. My colonoscopy was more viewership. It was well twisted I admit.
Robin: I do not know why you act like that. Maybe you've never had a better job offer, but I still can, so I really want to focus.
Don: I've already spent on the cable.
Robin: You're already past the cable?
Don: It was the best weekend of my life. When you do the newspaper, you're sitting on ergonomic seats, you feel like sitting on a cloud, which was good also because it was just after my colonoscopy. And the locker room, wow.
Mike: There are changing rooms?
Don: Oh yes there was the break, Mike. We will not change in the toilets of KFC on the other side of the street. Oh no. It was heaven. But once you get used to, they will not care at the door to find someone who is not undergoing divorce, or who is not addicted to gin. And before you know it, you find yourself in a d*ad end, surrounded by people who are going nowhere in their careers, making these programs in their underwear.
Robin: ok, the trick underwear was your choice. And I would not keep that going.
Don: You are beautiful guys. It's comfortable eh?
Lily, Marshall and Robin were in the street and smoke.
Robin: I want to k*ll him, of course people watching this show.You look at her. My God, you still have not seen the program.
Lily: We saw.
Robin: Really? What color is the decor?
Marshall: It's black, or silver.
Robin: Not your TV, the decor of my show. If my best friends do not watch, will watch it...
Marshall: A lot of people... Bedrin the insomniac, who portrays Blongs front of department stores. People to the emergency room where the TV is in a cage, and you can not change channels.
Robin: You have film crews?
Ted is with McLaren's Barney.
Ted: I can not believe they're smoking outside, it's really cold.
Barney: Do you remember when you could smoke in bars?
Flashback
The bar is filled with smoke.
Ted: I think there's a pretty girl smiling at me there.
Barney: Hey, this is a chair, but go ahead and drag it.
Ted: Guys?
Marshall: Marco?
Ted and Barney: Polo!
End flashback
Ted: Our group is divided into smokers and nonsmokers, and it's great.
Barney: You're right. Going for a smoke.
Children of Ted: What?
Ted (2030): Yes, I'm not proud.
Robin: Hey you two, smoking, like us.
Barney: I'm not a smoker. I do not smoke on certain occasions.After sex, when I'm with German, sometimes both at the same time. During sex, for birthdays, to annoy my mother, just before sex, on a sailboat. The day the mentor MC mailly eliminated each year, and of course... wait, because God knows it's true: fear of pregnancy.
Ted: And why you smoke there?
Barney: I'm always on the verge of sleep Ted.
Lily: Maybe that smoking is not so bad, at least it is outdoors.
Barney: And my abs muscle nicotine. I... am... muscular.
Ted (2030): As glamorous as it might be, we all cracked after one week.
Marshall and Lily sleeps coughing.
Marshall: It's alright, darling?
Lily, with a deep voice: Actually, my throat is a little dry.
Ted climbs stairs and three packets later, he is totally out of breath. Barney discovers a cigarette hole in his tie.
Marshall and on the roof with his boss.
Arthur: So I teased him a little with the newspaper like that, and my wife said, you can not treat your son as well. Michael calls for help.
It falls on the roof.
Marshall: Yes, right away, and me is Marshall.
Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall are on the roof of the apartment to smoke.
Barney: My God, I hope that Arthur is well. I reserve her office in case.
Ted: We must stop smoking.
Lily, with a deep voice: Baby, you said it was going.
Marshall: I would never have started. I finally revisit in 13 years, if I could go back. (Young Marshall went camping with a buddy and they smoke. Older Marshall arrives and pat the hand of young Marshall to drop the cigarette. It gives him a punch in the stomach) I hate that little bastard.
Lily: Me too.
Ted: Ok it's good, we stop.
Marshall: Yes, we stop.
Marshall, Lily and Ted put out the cigarette. Only Barney keeps his.
Barney: I'm proud of you guys. I heard how it was difficult to stop smoking for as you, then the part of non-smokers, I tell you hat, so give me your cigarettes and I rid, one at a time.
Lily: You stop my chick. (She removes the cigarette from his hands) I know I did not call you chick normally, but it does with that voice. Chick.
Robin: Guys, I wonder, you also are interviewing the mayor tomorrow, or it just me? Don was in the teeth, while I'm smoking a. Lighter Marshall.
Marshall: Actually, we all decided to stop.
Robin: Fantastic, I was fed up that you piquiez me my smokes constantly.
Ted: Robin, we must do together.
Robin: No.
Lily: You can sleep with Marshall.
Marshall: Lily God, no.
Lily: Sorry darling, that's for the team.
Robin: I do not want to have sex with Marshall.
Marshall: Sure.
Robin: I can not stop now, not before the most important interview of my life. It's too stressful.
Barney: It's too stressful!
Marshall: Just one.
Lily: Give a cigarette!
Ted: Damn Robin, think about it a moment, Blue Bug is the mayor anti cigarette. You really want to go to the interview smelling cigarettes? It's like interviewing a feeling the vegetarian steak.
Marshall: Really, it's hard enough like that?
Ted: You stop! It all stops.
Robin: Ok, I stop.
Ted: We should just spend the first 24 hours after a piece of cake.
26 hours later... Lily, Marshall, Ted and Barney are at the bar and the table is filled with food.
Lily: Barney stops eating your fingers.
Barney: I do not bite my nails, I try to suck the rest of nicotine on my fingers.
Ted: Marshall pass me your plate.
Marshall: What, you're a dinosaur?
Barney: What do cigarettes now? You believe they think of us?
Ted: Dude, if you do not stop moving your feet, I'll tear it off.
Marshall: Oh Ted, I'm sorry, maybe I should move closer to your ass!
Ted: Ok we'll do it now!
Ted (2030): Nobody knew why we fight. We just knew we wanted to smoke more than anything. It was not great for Robin either.
Don, who arrive without pants: Sorry I'm late. Someone used the microwave, and I got stuck in the elevator. What are you doing?
Robin Don, seriously, not tonight. I'm on my nerves, because I had quit smoking for the interview the mayor.
Don: Oh my little princess porcelain, why would you do that?
Robin: Why? Because it is important to Don, the issue is important and my career. Not like you, you incompetent. You're boring, you are bad, and I want you to work at least as hard as the elastic of your underwear.
Don: I begin to believe that it becomes personal.
Robin: No gift, it would become personal if I told you that just because you pass emission issue, it's because you're losing. A loser lazy and obnoxious.
Don: The mayor canceled.
Mike: 5... 4... 3... 2...
Robin: Hello, this is Robin Scherbatsky.
Don: You think I'm a loser? You're right, I'm a but at least I accept it.
Robin: A raccoon has bitten a patient in a nursing home.
Don: I was like you at first, I always wanted more, and I had nothing. This is a d*ad Robin, you'll never be a superstar of television. Since you never stop smoking.
Robin: What are you doing?
Don: I like my cigarette. Oh that's good. Want a latte?
Robin: You can be professional?
Don: Yes professional, you know who holds the camera? A chair, even the cameraman is not looking our show and that's why the mayor has canceled. And Mike went to fast food, and that you and I can enjoy a cigarette here.
Robin: No thank you.
Don: Why? Because there are millions of viewers? If viewers are problems with this, call us at the number on the screen: 212-555-0192. Go robin, appreciate life a little. (She takes the cigarette when the phone rings) It must be Mike, he always forgets to take them into extra-crunchy.
Marshall: Robin, do not smoke this cigarette.
Robin: Marshall?
Marshall: They look at you all, we are all impressed and if you smoke this cigarette, we shall return it to us too.
Robin: You watch the show?
Lily: Yes sweetie, and you are very pretty.
Robin: Oh guys.
Ted: You do not have to do that, you do not need to smoke.
Lily: Resists sweetie!
Robin: Thanks for calling friends.
She puts the cigarette in the cup of Don and it ignites.
Marshall: She did!
Ted: Good for her.
Lily: We will not smoke.
Barney: I have a hiding on the roof.
They get up and go on the roof. Robin arrives.
Barney: Oh, I woke up and I smoke. Robin, you know how it's dangerous to wake a smoker sleeps.
Robin: I bought a packet on the way home.
Marshall: Robin Good show.
Lily: And this guy So what con.
Robin: He ended up apologizing.
Lily: When he got up, the forms were more revealing, you should go out with him.
Robin: We believe in it all.
Ted (2030): They went out together three months later. But we will come back.
Ted: Well look, the sun rises.
Robin: You know it's the perfect time there. For one last cigarette. The real last.
Barney: Come on, let's do it.
Marshall: The last three.
Ted: A...
Lily:... two...
Robin:... three.
Ted (2030): We all stopped for a while after that. But this was not the last, even though we ended up really stop. Robin was arrested in June 2013. Barney in March 2017. Lily stopped from the moment she wanted to get pregnant. Marshall stopped when it was Dad. And my last two weeks before I met your mother, and I did most affected.
Marshall will see Marshall in his young day camping with her boyfriend. Buddy runs away when he saw Marshall get older.
Marshall: Sorry to have h*t my friend. I want to redeem myself by giving you this.
Young Marshall: Wow, she's pretty.
Marshall: Well one day you will marry her.
Marshall Young: For real?
Marshall: Yes, lucky.
Marshall Young: Bluntly. I'll be in my tent.
Marshall: Oh no, no do not do that. Have fun for me.
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x11 - Last Cigarette Ever"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
In 2030, Ted tells his children the story of the encounter with their mother.
Ted (2030): Children, you never know when you will meet someone important. It's not as if life warned you. You look, and they are there.
Ted comes out of his classroom and in the corridors, he sees a group of young people with packs of beer.
Student: Come on, let's go get stoned on the roof.
Ted (2030): No, not this guy. It.
Student: Do not bother, Boomer.
Student: I do not call me Boomer.
Student: For me, this is your name.
Ted: Gentlemen, I am a professor at this university and you are minor, so it is my duty to confiscate it, and that, and... the cooler?You know what, Boomer? You can keep it.
Ted returned to his classroom with a student.
Student: Each week, a guy in a fraternity invites me to a party and I said "I am preparing my PhD and I write a thesis which is entitled Foreign Direct Investment and intergenerational ties of consumption behavior. "
Ted: And they will respond?
Student: "It's sexy. "
Ted: Actually, it's really sexy.
Student: I have a confession to make. I recognize you. Do you remember the first day of last semester? Advanced Eco?
Ted (2030): Children, do you remember the history of bad amphitheater.
Flashback
Ted (2030): I thought I was in architecture intro, I was in advanced eco. Of course, I did not know that your mother was in the auditorium, and she took me for an idiot.
End flashback
Student: I took you for an idiot. But a very cute idiot.
Ted: You go out with idiots cute?
Student: Almost all the time.
GENERIC
Ted is in his apartment with Robin, Barney and Lily.
Ted: She wants to do a doctorate, she reads the philosophy for fun, she finished the crossword in the Sunday New York Times.
Barney: Ted, I am happy for you. Sorry, not for you, not to be you.
Ted: To summarize, I have a date tonight. (We hear screaming outside) Thank you, New York! I try not to screw up.
Lily: What's going on? There are queuing outside the McLaren's.
Robin: Why it's almost that guys?
Barney: Only two things can cause this turmoil.
Ted, Robin, Lily and Barney are down at the bar where all the guys at the counter.
Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, the McLaren's hired a sexy barmaid.
Lily: Look at all these guys. The sidewalk will feel the pee now.
Robin: We'd better find a new bar.
Barney: What... are you crazy? It's a sexy barmaid. Do you know how long I've waited for me... My friends, I slept with many women in my glory days. Lawyers, professors, poets, doctors, professional riders, and animators... A butcher, a baker, a candle maker. Yes, we got to the part where it rhymes. A teacher, a restorative, an observer... A puppeteer, a croupier, a housewife, it is also a job, guys. A circuit court judge...
Robin: Abbreviates!
Barney: I never, never slept with a barmaid sexy, until tonight.
Robin: It's not so sexy.
Ted: Would you jealous of the attention? Imagined would be the sexiest girl in the bar?
Robin: No. Shut up!
Barney: Wish me luck.
Lily: It will never happen. She will pretend to enjoy yourself in the same way she has mesmerized all these geniuses.
Barney: Guess who will not fall under his spell? I will make him "Do not try, baby. Papa needs a gin and tonic. "And when she will, I recracherai saying" Do it again. " The dominant male where it should be: on top, and after a few minutes below. Why should I do anything?
Marshall arrives.
Marshall: Guys, what's up?
Lily: A new super sexy barmaid.
Robin: You see? Marshall does not think she's sexy.
Lily: If he thinks. Do not bother to pretend that other women are not attractive just for my own good.
Marshall: I know, and if this woman was almost as sexy as mine, so I admit, but it is not the case.
Lily: Baby, you're an angel, but compared to this woman, I am a big trash bag 3 days.
Marshall: I say what I see, and... I think until you're the most beautiful woman in the world.
Lily: You see, it's really annoying.
Barmaid: You're so funny. It'll be $ 6.75.
Man: There's, 50, keep the change.
Barmaid: Thank you.
Barney: Amateurs.
Barmaid: What do you want?
Barney: Do not even try, baby. Wait, what?
Barmaid: You're going to stay there in order to be ridiculous?
Barney: Uh...
Barmaid: I do not know a Heu. It's half vodka and half-bar of yourself then?
Ted (2030): That night I went to a very important first date.
Ted is in the student with whom he spoke earlier.
Ted: How are you?
Student: Okay. Between.
Ted (2030): It's funny, sometimes you walk into an apartment for the first time, but it was the feeling of being right where it should be. And children, it was the first time I saw the little yellow bus of your mother. You know him. It is right behind you.
Ted: It's cute.
Student: Actually, this is my roommate.
Ted (2030): And so I was there in the apartment of your mother, except that I was dating her roommate, Cindy.
Ted: Sorry, I should not play with the affairs of your roommate.She look like?
Ted (2030): I do not know, but I would hear the first description of the woman I would marry.
Cindy: That is a whore. I think this is a dominatrix.
Ted: What?
Cindy: Okay, sorry, this is not true. I have a roommate complex.
Ted: Why?
Cindy: The guys always fall in love with her.
Ted: Look at me. I promise, I would not fall in love with your roommate.
Ted (2030): Oops!
At the bar, Marshall brings beers.
Lily: Now that you have been looking more closely, admit it: the bartender is the sexiest of the Bar.
Robin: The second sexiest.
Marshall: I repeat...
Lily: Baby, how can you not want you to do? I want to do it. If you do not wanna do it, sorry, but you must be gay.
Marshall: Yeah, I'm gay. Gay for you.
Barney: No matter. You understand why I'm the only guy she does not know this bar?
Marshall: Yes... You will not like the answer.
Flashback
2 minutes ago...
Barmaid: My last three were former Wall Street brokers.Bastards. I swore never to go out with a guy who wears suits.
End flashback
Barney: It's easy. I just have to stop wearing costumes.
Robin: Is that all? Come on, you're always in costume.
Summer 2009, Barney skied in costume.
Barney: True... But for these two... And, for that... Finally, for her... I'll stop wearing, wait...
Robin: We know you're gonna say "costumes".
Barney costumes.
Ted and Cindy are in the restaurant.
Ted (2030): Meanwhile, Cindy and I spent a pleasant evening, but she was not kidding about his roommate complex.
Cindy: Another weird thing on my roommate: she paints robots who play sports.
Ted: It's strange.
Ted (2030): I lied. It looked great. The watercolor of the robot playing volleyball with your mother is still in remission.
Cindy: And she has this weird habit of blackmailing his breakf.
Ted: It's weird.
Ted (2030): The version of "Memories" of your mother, sung by an English muffin, is to date the most beautiful thing I've heard in my life.
Ted: Look, I am defeated. I hate it.
Cindy: Sorry. It is not so bad. I'm just a little jealous.
Ted: I do not know why. You're great.
Ted (2030): But not as much as your mother. And speaking of things that are less brilliant, your uncle Barney was formally arrested costumes.
Barney is at McLaren's, in jeans and T-shirt.
Barmaid: Sorry to have misjudged you. If there is a kind of men I can not stand are those in costume. Ca, and a woman who does not comply.
Barney: The costumes and complexed. I hate them. I hate them.
Ted joined Robin, Lily and Marshall sitting at their usual table.
Robin: So, your date with Cindy?
Ted: Well, last night, it was nice today, less.
Lily: Why?
Flashback
At the University...
Cindy: I discovered that the settlement on all outgoing students and teachers are very strict. I could lose my scholarship.
Ted: It's not like if you followed my progress. It is not even in the same department.
Cindy: Sorry, but I can not take that risk.
End flashback
Ted: She exaggerates, there, right?
Robin: Well, Ted, she's right.
Lily: And thoughtful. If the rules are so strict, you could put your work in.
Marshall: I think you should leave it, buddy.
Ted: Okay, I start again. She exaggerates, there, right?
Ted (2030): Of course they were right. I had to let her go, but as your uncle Barney was discovered, it is not always easy.
Barney is looking for clothes in her wardrobe.
Barney conscience: In costume.
Ted (2030): None of us had seen for so long without Barney costume, and children, it was not pretty.
Marshall joined the others at the bar, in costume.
Marshall: Sorry for my delay. I was stuck at work. I had this presentation on taxes on dividends.
Lily: Of course, I listened carefully when you spoke.
Marshall: So, I started the Powerpoint... (rubs Barney costume at Marshall) Barney?
Barney locks himself in the bathroom where he finds a suit.
Barney conscience: In costume.
He finds himself in a suit when Marshall picks him.
Marshall: We will order food.
Barney: I arrive in a second.
Marshall and Barney restarts off his costume. He cracked his suit jacket.
Barney, running down the street: Out of my way! Stay with me.It's not your time.
Ted (2030): If someone could fix such a thing, it was the tailor personnel Barney, TV's Tim g*n.
Barney is his tailor.
Tim: Sorry, Barney. There is nothing more to do.
Barney: So young. You can not do anything else?
Tim: No. But we can use the buttons on this costume to another.
Barney: It can... As an organ donor?
Tim: The death of this suit could save the life of another.
Barney: But I... Do it.
Tim: You do what it takes. Do not cry about it. It's silk.
Barney: Sorry. I know. I know.
Barney joined Marshall, Lily, Ted and Robin at the bar, with an urn in his hands.
Barney: We have the remains cremated. Its buttons have saved a sick jacket of the Upper East Side.
Robin: Finally, you can abandon the quest for so-called sexy barmaid.
Barney: No. My costume gave his life for this cause, and I do not should rest before these two... Well, it... Finally,... Be it mine.
Ted: There is absolutely right.
Lily: Who, the guy who kisses an urn full of ashes costume. This guy?
Ted: What if Cindy is the woman I am to marry, and I give up?Farewell, elegant but cozy house in Westchester, with a reasonable loan that I can pay without ruining me. Goodbye, the two children raised in a strict but loving hand, finding the perfect balance between the father and friend. Adios, triplets Schnauzers, Frank Lloyd Wright and. The fact is, I do not give up either! (Ted gets up and kissed the urn of Barney before leaving) I do not know why I did that.
Barmaid: Barney, sorry about your friend. Tell me about him.
Barney: It was Italian. Classic, elegant. And my God he knew how to deal with women. They could not say no.
Barmaid: How old was he?
Barney: 7 years. I miss him so much!
Barmaid: You should not be alone tonight. I will finish earlier.
Barney: Thank you, old friend. You go on a good sh*t.
Barney share with the barmaid.
Lily: Admit it, she is sexier than me. It will not hurt me.
Marshall: I can not. You're sexier than she.
Lily: That's a goddess! Her skin glows. Her legs are super long.And that ass? I do not mind having it, even on the head! That night, I admit, I thought about it a little more than once.
Marshall: What do you...? Kind, you think she is sexier than me?
Lily: I never said that.
Marshall: You think so!
Lily: It's not comparable. She is younger than you.
Marshall: I'm just, like, me, my friend, against it, its old.
Robin: You two, the fact that it is not real sexy! She is sexy thanks to circumstances! Look.
Robin takes off his jacket and goes behind the counter.
Marshall: I guess you also think she is sexier than me.
Carl: What are you doing?
Robin: What?
Carl: You do not have the right to be there.
Robin: Carl, listening. No. I do not want to leave. Mercy, mercy, do not force me to leave.
Carl: You have to go. You have to go.
Robin: I was someone there, behind! Everybody loved me.
Ted walking in the rain. A knock at Cindy.
Ted: Can we talk?
Cindy: My roommate is going out of the shower. Come into my room.
Ted: I know the law prohibits us from going out together. But he also says "Do not teach in having drunk" and I do it all the time.The fact is... I really appreciate you. You're cute, funny. You write a thesis which is entitled, Foreign direct investment and intergenerational ties of consumption behavior. It's too sexy! I know it sounds crazy, but... I feel that our paths are supposed to meet, and... I do not want to miss meeting you.
Cindy: I do not want it, me either.
Ted: I gotta tell you, just by looking at your room, I know we have much in common.
Cindy: Really?
Ted: The Unicorns? Who will cut our hair When We're Gone? I thought I was the only one with this album.
Cindy: This is my roommate. I borrowed.
Ted: And that? After World T.C Boyle?
Cindy: Birthday present... my roommate. I did not read it yet.
Ted: You should. It is really good. And that? It is the height. You play the bass? Seriously, ask my friends. I have always said that my perfect woman... does not play bass, because that is clearly that of your roommate.
Cindy: It is in a group.
Ted: Damn, that's cool.
Cindy: It's amazing. You chose the only three things that are here to my roommate.
Ted: The group played shows your roommate or...?
Cindy: Get out.
Ted (2030): Children, as you guessed, it was not the night I met your mother. Although I think I saw his foot. But I approached the meeting with the woman of my dreams. And your mother... She had recovered her yellow umbrella.
Barney the bartender back home.
Barney: It was so special, you know? We should observe a minute of silence. Followed by about 20 minutes of grunting.
Barmaid: I'll help you feel much better. Let me refresh.
Barney: Okay. Expected. No, this is not the bathroom. This is...
Barmaid: They are yours?
Barney: I'm the suit-sitting for someone.
Barmaid: Barney, you lied to me. You must choose immediately.Me... or costumes.
The barmaid hand.
Barney, singing and dancing in the street: I know what you're thinking, "What Barney has been drinking? This girl was hot! "I might have to do it, but I did not miss anything because there is something she is not. 10 would make me a lot, but I'd rather be on my 31. It is a fact that you can not deny. Nothing goes better than n'me costume! Imagine a world where men and women are perfectly well-dressed! The delivery man in suit and tie savate, this puppy in a cross! This guy with sideburns, this baby with a pacifier! This gendarmette deliciously beautiful. Nothing goes better than n'leur costume! A first officer that I can wear, they are oh so distinguished! The perfect trick to get me a girl with father issues, navy blue or black! (2 men get out of a store with a rack filled with costumes) spy on this perfect rack! I want to make guilis.
Marshall, doing the same: Oh, really! Then answer these questions, I beg. What would you do if you had to choose between your suits and a pot of gold?
Barney: Costumes!
Marshall: What would you say, against all your costume you were offered eternal youth?
Barney: Costumes!
Robin: What would you choose: a million girls and one three parts?
Barney: Do we see.
Lily: And a world at peace would be within your reach?
Barney: I'll stop. These are the costumes. Stops just bullshit.Two, three, four! Girls come and depart, but the clothes remain constant! Each buddy dépote and rambling, it is no substitute!Sorry, my costumes, I give you my life. My Sunday clothes are my best friends! The casual clothes go in the basket because nothing goes better with the undisputed often praised, claiming to fame... a true... Expect more... Costume...
Ted, Marshall, Lily: Nothing suits her better... than... Costume.In costume! In costume! Costume...!
Barney: Mind you, it is rather barrel. (Back at Barney) I choose you you, baby. Tomorrow morning, I get rid of these costumes.
Barmaid: Really?
Barney: Yeah. (They kiss) I will do you nothing!
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x12 - Girls Versus Suits"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Children, when you're 30 and live in New York, there are few places where it is better not to be. Time Square at New Year, Christmas at Rockefeller Center, but the worst: a student bar!
Ted and Marshall enter into a student bar.
Ted: You're not serious, my students are going to catch me so I do them a lesson. I have not even my slide projector.
Marshall: Ted, I'm champion of skee-ball, since law school. I have come here at least once a month to keep my record.
Ted: Looks like you're not income from a lease, a guy called "Big caramel" you're passed.
Marshall: Yes, yes.
Ted: And you're "Big caramel."
Marshall: The biggest. In fact, I must tell you something. I invited Jenkins.
Ted Jenkins, no kidding me!
Ted (2030): We have heard of Jenkins few weeks ago.
Flashback
At the apartment...
Marshall: You will not believe what Jenkins has done this time.
Ted: Who is Jenkins?
Lily: This is a new lawyer in the office of Marshall, he is hilarious.
Marshall: Hilarious! There was a jar of cherries in the fridge, then Jenkins said: $ 200 and I eat the whole pot. So we gave him $ 200, and he ate the whole jar!
Ted (2030): And the stories continued.
In McLaren's...
Marshall: The CFO comes to sign papers, then Jenkins said: Excuse me Mr Wilkocs, I think we forgot one of the documents.We all went to a bar after work, Jenkins goes on the table and begins to gesticulate like a stripper, and a second later, he removes his shirt. It was so disgusting.
End flashback
Ted: Well it feels good to finally meet the famous Jenkins, after all these stories.
Barney, joining them: And there's going to have another. I'll sleep with Jenkins.
Ted: What?!
Barney: You heard me.
Ted: You want to sleep with Jenkins?
Barney: With Jenkins, of Jenkins, near Jenkins. You said it, I want to put like a sock.
Ted: But you are... really... I did not know that...
Woman: Hi, guys.
Marshall: Ted Jenkins here.
GENERIC
Ted: It's going to seem crazy, but I thought Jenkins was a guy.
Marshall: What!? Where did you get it?
Ted: I do not know, maybe history: Jenkins pissed out the window of a taxi.
Marshall: Yes, even more impressive now, right?
Ted: Yes.
Marshall: Ok, I confess! It all started a few weeks.
Flashback
The work of Marshall...
Man: In fact the myopic! New lawyer, Jenkins here. Watch out for this guy, he steals things.
Marshall: I do not steal. And I do not wear glasses. Marshall.
Jenkins: Hi Marshall. So you're really a fan of the Vikings, or he lied about that too?
Marshall: Why? It's a trap, you're a fan of the Packers? My wife knows I'm here. She has no money, however it has very special skills.
Jenkins: I'm a fan of the Vikings too! I think purple and gold. I am from Pelican Rapids.
Marshall: Pelican Rapids? My grandfather lives there. Finally he's d*ad now, but it haunts a bar on a road.
End flashback
Ted: Wait, if you tell me that you flirt with a woman other than yours, I'll pull out and h*t you.
Marshall: First, you can not control the Grand caramel. Secondly, I see it as a big brother, who has breasts. My older brother had also, in short.
Flashback
Marshall: That night, I spoke to Lily.
Lily: I'm in a hurry to meet him.
Marshall: I should correct, it would have been so simple.
End flashback
Marshall: But I have not done. So now, whenever I talk about Jenkins, I avoid pronouns.
Flashback
Marshall: So the manager comes to marketing staff to choose Midwest. So he, he, he, she, him, him, Jenkins, him, her.
End flashback
Ted: Look, I understand why you have not told him? You really think she would be jealous too.
Marshall: Ted, think of the stories I've told.
Ted: Yes, it could be a problem.
Marshall: Exactly, that's why Lily can know nothing.
Robin: Lily can know nothing of what?
Ted: What Marshall is going to buy a horse.
Robin: Really?! It's great, I love this stuff. Guys why this kid staring at me? I understand, I think it happens at last. I recognized my show.
Ted: That's so cute. But it's Scotty, one of my students, and he looks at me me. Weird that I'm more famous than you.
Robin: No, I go on TV.
Ted: And I have 30 students in my class, which means, go, 30 times your hearing. We're going to buy Scotty a drink for old teacher. Scotty then, a question on neoclassical architecture, and it's good.
Scotty: You are Robin Scherbatsky, right?
Ted: What?
Robin: Yes.
Scotty: I did not want to fix, it's just that I watch your show all the time.
Robin: Really?
Ted: Really?
Scotty: Bluntly. Why do you hang out with Ted?
Ted: Uh, this is Professor Mosby.
Robin: We're friends.
Scotty: The cow! Robin Scherbatsky is friends with my art teacher.
Ted: This is architecture. Go will study.
Scotty: And a second, you're "Big caramel"?
Ted: Go!
Marshall is working with Jenkins when his phone rings.
Marshall: Hello?
Lily: Hey baby, I go up there.
Marshall: What, why?
Lily: There was a problem at school, it was therefore the day. I thought to visit you, eat something with a nice little dessert.
Marshall: I have a problem, it was my wife. The first time I spoke to you, she thought you were a man, so...
Jenkins:... then you're afraid she became insane upon learning that I am a woman.
Marshall: Absolutely.
Jenkins: Good God, I was in a band improv. Am what I do.
They leave the office at the same time Lily out of the elevator.
Lily: Hello, I'm Lily, Marshall's wife.
Jenkins: Hi Lily, I am of the French Embassy. I am here because of a little problem with cheese but important.
Marshall: It is Jenkins.
Lily: You are Jenkins?
Jenkins: Yes, well, uh, I'll let you sort it out between you, see you later.
Ted (2030): Marshall cracked. The moment he feared.
Lily: The famous Jenkins, gosh. I imagined a man, in short, we eat?
Marshall: Wait, you're not jealous at all?
Lily: Honey, I do not have to worry about you and another woman.
Marshall: Because we love to madness, right?
Lily: Yes of course. Let's eat.
Ted, Robin and Marshall at MacLaren's.
Marshall: It was not jealous at all.
Ted: Of course she was not jealous, it is the dynamics of your relationship.
Marshall: What is this supposed to mean?
Robin: That's how it goes boy, every relationship has a low and high.
Ted: Exactly, low in trying to conquer another out of reach, and the strong will go back down to be with the other person less.
Marshall: I am not diminished for Lily. Yes, it is a bit small, and my mother says she has no hips to carry a baby Eriksen. My God, you think I'm weak.
Robin: That's why Lily is not jealous. The strongest is never jealous because where could go lower? The fort, Lily, is the best thing that low, Marshall may have hoped.
Marshall: No, ok, I'm glad Lily, but Lily is as lucky as me. None of us is low.
Robin: Yes, it's definitely, you are going to buy a horse.
Marshall: What?
Robin: Try your luck.
Ted teaches a course in architecture at the university.
Ted: So, to end modern architecture is very short, experimented with the houses in V. (Robin enters the classroom Ted) Excuse me one second. What are you doing here?
Robin: I've realized that you forgot something this morning, so I thought I would bring thee: thy pen.
Ted: It's your pen, and you have chewed the end, recently.
Robin: Nothing to Ted, your course was on my way to work.
Ted: No, it is not.
Robin: Come on, stand New York.
Student: I watch your show all the time.
Robin: Really, you watch my show? You flatter me see. Other fans here?
All students raise their hands to Ted.
Ted: Thank you for last, Robin.
Robin: That night, great show on poisons. (She goes out, then reopens the door) Also, who makes the worst pizza in New York, I will give you information on traffic streets 5 and 9.
Ted: Really? You watch his show? It's like watching an aquarium lit, and less interesting. And now that I think, not even informed.
Scotty: The truth is that we look for the drinking game.
Ted: The what?
Student: As the show starts early, it is often at the bar. So when she did an interview, one should drink when she says "But um".
At the bar...
Barney: But huh?
Ted: But um, it would seem, she often said.
Barney: It's funny, I also had a drinking game based on Robin, Robin finally. At the bottom of her stomach...
Ted: It was agreed that you do not speak of those things.
Barney: Sorry, you're right. She did not like anyway. She said it woke her up. Does she said "But um" so often?
Ted (2030): Tonight, we saw how much she often said.
Ted and Barney are watching TV while Robin interviews a young boy.
Robin: It's good but um, this was not your first spelling bee, does not it?
Boy: No, the third.
Robin: Oh that's good. But hmm. But um...
Ted and Barney have abused alcohol too, are hilarious.
At the apartment Marshall and Lily...
Marshall: Interesting article in the newspaper. They say that in every relationship there is a weak and strong.
Lily: Let me see.
Marshall: It's not that one, it's in another, I've read before. The newspaper reminded me of the old. In short, what do you think?
Lily: I think sometimes it's the case.
Marshall: But not for us?
Lily: No, of course not.
Marshall: Sure. Imagine, you have a g*n to his head, you have to say that one of us is low.
Lily: I would say this is me, this is what is right.
Marshall: Now, the g*n is pointed at me, and our future children, and our future little monkeys. Depends on who wins the game is played for 3 years.
Lily: No, no weak or strong.
Marshall: So this...
Ted (2030): It went on for a while, until finally...
Marshall: Our two children, our 8 grandchildren, 11 great grandchildren our, our plane piloted by Oprah, and it is poised to spits at an art museum that contains all your favorite pictures, and the only way save everything, and answered: Art thou the weak or strong?
Lily: And Oprah has tried everything?
Marshall: Everything you need to decide now.
Lily: I think if I had to really say, maybe I'm strong.
Marshall: How can you say such a thing!
At the Bar with Ted and Barney...
Marshall: She thinks she is strong. That's right, I have to prove that I am not the weak. I will make her jealous.
Barney: Easy, that's the plan: A, layer with Jenkins. Two, I sleep with Jenkins first. Three, the second rule is the first I'm going to rule 2.
It is beyond the current bar.
Ted: Okay, I know. You remember the other night, the game of skee-ball, when you did your good score?
Marshall: Yes, an ordinary night for the "Big caramel."
Flashback
Marshall plays no matter how the skee-ball and score as 50 points.
End flashback
Marshall: Do you think she was flirting with me?
Ted: Bluntly.
Marshall: Sure, I have an opening. If Madame Lily is jealous, young Marshall can not move, then by chance, the "Big caramel"... may move, ok let me try again.
Ted: Okay, I understand.
Robin comes as Marshall hand.
Robin: Ted, I have a great idea.
Ted: Remove your hair in the bathtub once you're done? Looks like you want to make a bath mat.
Robin: If you want to make one of your classes exciting, I could read it from someone a little more fun, your students can pay attention and learn.
Ted: Oh, you're entertaining? Last night there were 3 minutes of silence where you tried to patch up your sweater.
Robin: Look, just because your class prefers me to you...
Ted:... You're a drinking game.
Robin: What?
Ted: That's why they watch. They did a drinking game on you.Every time you say "But um", they take a sh*t.
Robin: But umm?
Ted: Yes.
Robin: I'm not But um, I never told But hum.
Ted: So I guess it's not a great drinking game. This means that last night when we played with Barney, I was not drunk and I did not vomit on it. Except that I did these two things here, take this.
Marshall joined Jenkins in his job.
Marshall: Hey Jenkins!
Jenkins: Hey buddy!
Marshall: So, Lily and I go back to university bar. And you wonder if maybe you would come... You could watch me play skee-ball... do exactly what you did the other night, something like that. It's really up to you, I mean...
Jenkins threw himself on Marshall to kiss. He leaves the office, crying.
Marshall returned to the apartment.
Lily: Hey baby, what do you do at home?
Marshall: Baby! That is, it's a name I do not deserve.
Lily: What?
Marshall Jenkins kissed me! She kissed me! We hooked up the other day, she saw me playing skee-ball. And I do not know, it had to go to his head. But you must know, I immediately stopped... And you're the one for me baby.
Lily: Oh, I see what happens. That's about all that history of strong and weak.
Marshall: You're sure it's not a fever?
Lily: You wanna make me jealous so you invent a story with Jenkins.
Marshall: I did not invent it! It happened, this woman kissed me.With language, his tongue was in my mouth.
Lily: Of course it was.
Marshall: It was silky... and hard as a branch of starfish
Lily: I'm so jealous, I'll go see it and h*t right on the nose... like an old sandwich. Come on baby, you want some soup?
Marshall: It happened! Have you... meatballs?
Architecture course Ted...
Ted: And here's a few of his contributions to architecture and now... We remember him for just one thing. My friends this is the sad legacy of Gregorio... Franchetti Gazibo. Questions?
Scotty: You want to come to the bar with us tonight?
Ted: What?
Scotty: Yeah, we wanted to do some of Robin Scherbatsky, if you want to come?
Ted: Well, what can I say except... um But I am! I can always come? I will pay?
Robin has another interview.
Robin: So, your third book is your new novel, but um...
All, the student bar: But hum!
Robin: Shit! Sorry. But, but just. No hum! Your first book was written more quickly?
Man: Oh, it's true!
Robin: But umm...
All: But hum!
Ted: It's not pretty!
Ted (2030): And that's when that Robin had an idea that would end the game forever.
Robin: I wanted to ask about the novel you're writing right now, but um...
All: But hum!
Robin: And tonight, you had to, but um...
All: But hum!
Robin: For a long time, but um...
All: But hum!
Ted: No, no, no, do not drink, it's a trap!
Man: I think I should go, keep your $ 10!
Robin: Ok, um... but thank you for coming but um... If there are students who look, but um, but um, but um...
Scotty: We should drink professor, is the rule! She said but um.
Ted: My God, help us all!
Jenkins joined Marshall's office.
Jenkins: Oh you're here! I'm really sorry to have embraced yesterday.
Marshall: It's nothing.
Jenkins: And I'm sorry I slept with you in the mail room.
Marshall: It was not me!
Jenkins: Oh my God, that's embarrassing 2 discussions today. I do not do usually, I was totally stuffed.
Marshall: You were drunk at 8am?
Jenkins: Yeah, I know not what has happened!
Flashback
Jenkins is in a bar.
Robin: The police officer was unharmed but um...
Jenkins: But hum! (She drinks her glass bottoms up) I gotta work!
End flashback
Marshall: Happy to have you helped you remember.
Jenkins: Damn, how I could do that!
Marshall: It's nothing!
Jenkins: No, you know what it is not nothing. You are the coolest guy in the office that stupid. And I really do not want to spoil our friendship. This is so embarrassing, do not tell anyone please.
Marshall: No, who am I to say? Lily? I said to Lily.
Jenkins: For heaven's sake, I have to go talk to him, I must apologize!
Marshall: No, no!
Jenkins: If Marshall, I must say that it happened, it meant nothing... And I'm sorry.
Marshall: No, I... Yes! Yes! Do it!
Jenkins: I'm going.
Marshall: And if you got no time for all this, just tell him that it happened and that you're sorry. And if you're really in a hurry did not tell him you're sorry. Just as it happened, what is most important. It really happened. Thus abbreviated it as much as you can.
In McLaren's...
Jenkins: So Lily, what I'm saying is that... It happened and I feel terrible. And I am truly sorry.
Marshall: Well, it happened! What will we do? It happened!Terrible, like you said. It happened!
Jenkins: Exactly, I feel bad and I hate myself. If what I have done you got injured or affected your relationship with Marshall, forgive me!
Lily gives him a fist in the face.
Lily: Kissed my husband! MY HUSBAND! Nobody embraces the father of my future children besides me.
She throws herself on her and continues to type.
Barney: Marshall, you're in the field!
Ted (2030): Children, your Uncle Marshall was never tried again to make your aunt Lily jealous.
Marshall: Lil '? It's good!
Ted's class is really not able to listen after they spent the evening.
Ted: So we'll just have a quiet day course. Nobody is talking! No noise!
Suddenly Robin between.
Robin: How's you all?
Ted: No, no, no, please. Just goes away!
Robin: I just wanted to tell you go... (She takes a megaphone) To all those watching. Go! Standing New York! BUT HUM!
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x13 - Jenkins"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): There are ways to relieve stress.
Woman: You'll have a few minutes, Mr. Stinson.
Ted (2030): Many people bite their nails. Others tap their feet.And others imagine themselves to be interviewed by renowned sports commentator Jim Nantz.
Jim: Hi friends, any sport has had its icon, which it excels. Ali was boxing, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with b*mb snuff chance, my next guest, Mr Barney Stinson.Barney, welcome.
Barney: Thank you, Jim. I'm glad to be back on the show.
Jim: It's good to have you. And you know, the statistics, they really speak for themselves. Over 200 women spread over 6 continents, 17 countries, 74 sexual positions, and not a single bead. Impressive. But even with all these successes, there has always been an escape for you. Which brings us back to last week. Tell us about our history.
Barney: Hold on, Jimbo, it is extraordinary.
First night... Barney, Ted, Lily and Marshall are at McLaren's.
Barney: It all started when I decided to start a small challenge.
Marshall: Oh my God. Wow.
Ted: He decides his victim.
Barney: Whatever the girl I'm trying to point is that I go with her tonight. And... they're off!
Barney gets up and goes to see a girl at the counter.
Marshall: Hi!
Robin: Hi!
Lily: How did it go with Dale?
Robin: You know, sometimes, the guy with thick glasses and a t-shirt of the Smurfs, it's just a cliche. And sometimes it is a moron with a squint and a platonic relationship with Gargamel.
Lily: Robin, this is not because a guy talks a lot about a fictional character for your first date it can not be your future.
Marshall: The Yeti is not fictitious.
Ted, from seeing Barney: That was fast.
Jim: So, the first night was pretty normal.
Barney: Jim, there is nothing in my usual way to pack.
Jim: Respect. Which brings us to the second night.
Second night...
Barney: That brings us to the second night. You see the b*mb that pampers its Black Russian (Vodka and coffee liqueur)? She left to exchange it with a White American. Enter me five! You know... If you're not careful, you'll lose me.
Robin: Guys, when Dale called for a second hot date, what do I tell her?
Marshall: How do you know he'll call?
Robin: How cute, Marshall. But I think mom knows when she was a h*t. I mean, he could not help but look at me.
Ted: And well, do not push too. People can be fragile. And sometimes, without even trying, you can tear someone's heart, and crush it in front of a roomful of 26 people and a teacher's assistant.
Lily: How it happened at school today, Ted?
Ted: Something bad happened. This was the first course of the semester...
Flashback
Ted: Jamie Adamic. Salvation. Brian Glow-atz. Glau-atz?Salvation. Well done. Add a false name on the call sheet, very original guys. You know, I expected a little maturity, coming from students like you, and frankly, more creative. I mean, seriously, what kind of fake name is Jen Coulin?
Student: Present.
Ted: Come on guys, you would have at least been able to make it sound right. Jen Coulin?
Student: Present.
Ted: What happened to classic? Sat Troulcu, Ted and Bill Oukoi, Maby Stoukette, Roland Cule, that's false names, but Jen Coulin?
Student: Here.
Ted: Jen Coulin!
Student: It's just there.
End flashback
Lily, Marshall and Robin laugh at Ted.
Ted: Come on, I wait, swing all your jokes about Jen Coulin.
Lily: We will not make jokes, Ted. I mean, this girl must really be in the hole.
Marshall: You really soiled the name of Jen Coulin.
Ted: Have you finished?
Robin: You asked him if she had reached the right exit?
Lily: Wow, two in a row, Barney is thoroughly.
Barney leaves the bar together.
Robin: This is a lucky girl, Barney was my best sh*t.
Ted: And this is the best friend I ever had.
Lily: It is everything I love that Marshall either.
Marshall: It's all I want to be.
Barney: I guess that's just what they said when I was gone.
Jim: I believe it. You are awesome. Now, night 3. Describe it to us.
Barney: Jim, I can tell you that I was gone, so I wanted a little spice.
Third night...
Barney: I think I'll take small tits tonight.
Lily: You're yucky.
Barney: Lily, it's people too.
Wendy: That's your burgers.
Marshall: thank you.
Lily: Thank you.
Ted: You share it? Your share forever.
Lily: Of course not!
Marshall: There is no such Bizarros who share everything.
Robin: Of course I do.
Ted: That's exactly what you are.
Lily: It is perfectly normal.
Robin: What's happening guys?
Marshall: You know, Lily and I was looking for a new couple of friends since we lost Robin and Barney, and Ted and Stella and Ted and Robin, and Ted... Ted and Victoria, when do you arrive to keep one?
Ted: How we came up with that?
Lily: It was a great day out at 4 it was cool, we were relaxed, it was not freaked out.
Marshall: And there, a tiny detail has surfaced, and it ruined the whole evening.
Flashback
Man:... and the toothbrush Joanna is ejected from the sink, facing the ceiling, and falls straight down the toilet.
Marshall: It's crazy that last week, it happened the same with our toothbrushes.
Woman: Our toothbrush?
End flashback
Ted: Our toothbrush?
Jim: Our toothbrush?
Flashback
Lily: Yeah.
Male: As in, a toothbrush?
End flashback
Robin: As in, a toothbrush? You use both?
Jim: Every day?
Flashback
Lily: That's weird?
End flashback
All Super Bizarre.
Ted: Marshall, 4 of 5 dentists have just vomited on.
Robin: Hey, look, Barney has yet fallen one.
Lily: Wow. 3 girls in 3 nights. This is gross, even from Barney.
Ted: Yuck? Are you kidding? There is no one left to do...
Marshall: Do not tell! You're going to jinx him!
Lily: Wear what bad luck?
Barney: I had left to do... flawless.
GENERIC
Barney: It was faultless. 7 nights, 7 girls, 0 rejection.
Jim: Awesome. I mean, it's the equivalent of sexual perfect game in baseball, in even harder.
Barney: Yeah. The only player in history to have accomplished both Pete was Drexell 'The mustache' in 1896.
Jim: It was not the first time you were about to accomplish. So you knew that one mistake, and we reach the end. Sometimes a teammate makes a mistake. Sometimes a minefield...
Barney: You and me in the closet of the Spanish supermarket next door.
Jim:... takes you straight into the wall. And sometimes you spread yourself. And it almost always ends badly. But this week, you were to 3 of 3, and no sign of abating.
Barney: I can even say, without a fault. I'd love to say the same of my friends.
Fourth night...
Ted: Jen has not come into being today.
Marshall: Excuse me, Jen?
Robin: Yeah, Ted, we know tons of people who call Jen.
Marshall: Yeah.
Ted: Jen Coulin.
Robin: Oh, you're there. The dreaded call from Dale. Oh, that's my mother. She has big health problems. But why does he not call?
Lily: Wait a second. Want it called?
Robin: No! Shut up! You have not a kind of toothbrush to share or something like that?
Ted: Yeah. When did you start doing that too?
Marshall: It's been years! You had to know, you lived with us.
Ted: Yeah, but you always keep your toothbrush in the bathroom, which is, incidentally, also weird.
Lily: We kept her in the bathroom.
Ted: No, there was a toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine.
Robin: Wait. Are you saying that for 8 years, you have shared a toothbrush every 3?
Marshall: Oh my god!
Ted: Finish me!
Robin: I'm having so much!
Barney comes in with a woman.
Jim: So you're at four, he'll just make a 5 to 7.
Barney: Well done, Jim.
Jim: Hey, I try. I'm not you. It was then comes the night No 5, and trouble with.
Fifth night...
Ted: Beer! Salvation.
Marshall: Hi. How is Barney?
Ted: Like a charm. As all week.
Marshall: Yeah? Hard to believe.
Ted: Why?
Marshall: Apparently, this big merger last week went wrong, and Barney wears the hat.
Lily: Oh, it's weird. He said nothing.
Marshall: Even I who works with him, I just learned this afternoon when I walked past the office of his boss.
Flashback
Marshall is in front of the boss's office where Barney is lecturing.
Pattern:... what it has cost this company, Stinson?!
Marshall: I never thought about Barney so scared.
End flashback
Marshall: I think he'll get fired.
Ted: I can not believe that Barney is going to get fired.
Marshall: Yeah, they have a meeting Friday to see if he keeps his job or not.
Robin: Poor guy. It must pinball.
Lily: I'll go talk to him.
Ted: No! You can not distract a man who is right... you know what.
Lily: Come on, it's his career. This is much more important than a stupid without...
Marshall: Ahh! Okay. You can lick my hand all you want, I will not let you ruin... Ouch!
Lily: It must go talk to him.
Ted: I'm going. He needs a brother. Hey buddy.
Barney: Hey!
Ted: Is everything okay?
Barney: Absolutely. A background. It could not get better. I make fun of that? I need you.
Ted: Anything you want. What's the matter?
Barney: Which of these girls look the most stupid?
Ted: Let's see it. Already heated to perfection? The smashed out? Ok I will deal for Big Mac.
Barney: Thank you, Skip.
Lily: So what did he say?
Ted: What? Oh, it will try with the girl holding the burger there.
Lily: You were supposed to talk about his loss of job.
Ted: Lily, why is that force him to face a problem that can not adjust will help?
Lily: And why ignore it will fix things?
Ted: You're much ignored the problems of dental hygiene for a dozen years. And yet you seem to...
Lily: Jen Coulin!
Robin: Jen Coulin.
Ted: Dale you called?
Robin: Why do you...
Marshall: Guys, guys, look!
Barney leaves the bar once again on the arm of a young woman.
Jim: Barney, I will interrupt you one second, I must ask you something. Have you ever taken Viagra?
Barney: No, sir. I like to play by the rules. While I can not say I did not propose to.
Flashback
Barney is at Lily and Marshall.
Marshall: It was pretty awesome. You should try it. I still have a few.
Barney: No thank you.
Marshall: You sure? Ok, do as you like. What time is it?
Barney: It's 8:00.
Marshall: 8:00? I have to go to hospital.
End flashback
Barney: I've never touched. I can pee in a jar if you like, Jim Nantz.
Jim: Barney, I trust you. I miss you even ask the question. Let's talk about the night 6. Two girls prepared to perfection.
Sixth night...
Ted:... seriously guys.
Barney joined Marshall, Lily, Ted and Robin's apartment.
Marshall: Hey!
Ted: Hey, what are you doing here? Returns to the bar!
Barney: Ted, relax. I am already 6 of 6.
Ted: Really?
Barney: Yeah. I ate at the Tavern of vegetables, I started talking to the Swedish Top Model, and the next moment we batifolait in the back of a carriage. Go my beautiful, Hue!
Ted: Great. What really happened?
Barney: I ate at the "Staten Island Chili's," and I jumped a hairdresser completely stuffed. Are you happy, Ulysses?
Lily: Barney, we know that you are going you may get fired. Wait, you ought to speak. You turn away from reality, kissing unnecessarily on all sides.
Barney: No vain, ok? Between number 5 and I, there was a connection. She will resume her studies, she has a child or who is studying... something with "studies".
Ted: Now my students have taught me that Jen Coulin abandon my material.
Marshall: Oh, my God, you've really pushed to the limit.
Robin: It scales all his education in the toilet.
Ted: News from Dale?
Robin: It's only been five days, he will call!
Marshall: What do you care? You said it was a big con.
Robin: Tell Dale not like that, ok? It is twice as good as you never will!
Lily: God forbid, if you manage to find a job, sell your apartment.Marshall and I, we have a free room. You can stay as long as you want.
Robin: Forget not you bring your toothbrush.
Ted: Lily, what are you doing?
Lily: I talk to my friend who is going through a difficult period.
Marshall: He's doing very well.
Lily: Try to sleep with seven women in seven nights, that's not what I would call "very well get out." It is a cry for help.
Ted: His whole life is a call for help. But we do not mess with a man who is in the midst of a no...
Lily: What? Without fault? Flawless, faultless, flawless! Grow up a little!
Barney takes his jacket and leaves.
Jim: Unbelievable. You know, there are two things that do not.First: you do not open an email from Phil Simms to your children.And second: you do not wear bad luck to a man on track to flawless.
Barney: I do not know what to tell you, Lily is always trying to ruin me any.
Jim: I think she cracked a bit for the Barnacle.
Barney: You have the eye to notice such details, Jim Nantz.
Seventh night... In McLaren's.
Ted: I can not believe that thou hast brought him bad luck.
Marshall: He has no chance.
Lily: Ok, I have a question. If I ruined everything, why is it that Barney is in the process of hanging the girl three martinis in there?
Ted: Oh, my God!
Marshall: There's going to happen!
Lily: Yeah, you know? Doors-jinx, it does not exist.
Jim: Do not tell me that she dared to say "The door-jinx, it does not exist."
Barney: I wish I had power.
Jim: You were about to achieve something so beautiful.
Barney: Well, thank you to her, the only thing that can prevent a stroke insured was about to walk out the door. A member of the New York Yankees World Champions in 2009.
Marshall: Lily, I'll buy my own toothbrush.
Ted: Well, that's it. Barney's still got to 6.
Robin: What? Why? Because the guy with the weird cut went back?
Marshall: This is Nick Swisher. It is part of the New York Yankees. No regular guy from New York can not compete with a Yankee.
Ted: And this is true for a former Yankee. When I arrived here, I was the fourth date with a girl I loved a lot before I do the fly by Phil Rizzuto.
Marshall: I was there. Damn, this guy could play.
Robin: I'm still not.
Lily: Ok, let me do it the Canadian So how do you react if one of those guys with skates and sticks came back here?
Robin: Lily, if one of the Vancouver Canucks came here, I fall on my ass so that there would be a hole halfway to China in the soil.
Ted: It's the same thing for the Yankees.
Robin: Oh, Barney's done.
Marshall: It's happening, look.
Barney: You wanna come to my house and watch the collection of snowballs?
Marshall: A collection of snow globes?
Ted: He is pinball.
Woman: It's Nick Swisher!
Overall: Nice try.
Ted: It was well played, well played, well played.
Barney: But not play well enough. All this week was a waste of time. And tomorrow I'm getting fired.
Marshall: I'm sorry. But for what it's worth, this week was not a waste of time. We all had a horrible week, and you have helped us change a little air.
Ted: Yeah, I got my first drop.
Robin: I met my soul mate, and he never called back. Well, not yet. He will. He will.
Marshall: We frightened a couple great just because we share a toothbrush.
Barney: You share a toothbrush?
Robin: Well, they and Ted.
Barney:... Huh?
Ted: Wait a minute. When we went out together, you borrow the toothbrush all the time.
Robin: Oh, shit.
Ted (2030): And that's when Aunt Lily has seen what is great about sport, they make you forget about your problems, but only for a little while. And deep within us, we all needed this flawlessly.
Ted: At the second she sits next to Swisher, we reach the end.
Marshall: Wait a minute! Aldrin was seen. She tries to escape, she jumps, and... I thought she would not do that.
Woman: Oh my God, are you?
Lily: Yeah, sorry. I'm so clumsy! Oh, thank you. I think I twisted my ankle. Do what you can bring me some ice?
Woman: Sure.
Marshall: She did! I believe that there is no jinx finally.
Wendy: I'm bringing ice, Lily.
Marshall: Damn. Swisher is back in play Swisher is back in play!
Ted: Follow me. Hey, Nick Swisher! This guy and his wife share a toothbrush!
Nick: And?
Ted: And it's weird, right?
Nick: Actually, I think it's cute. Are we not try to find someone who could share his toothbrush?
Marshall: I'm sorry. Lily, Nick Swisher think it's cute.
Barney: Martini?
Ted: You take a beer with a Yankee, if that's not cool!
Robin: That's great, I'm all baseball. Mookie Wilson, while a player eh?
Nick: Yeah, baseball is great, but I tell you, this is not hockey.
Robin: I live just above.
Woman: What do you say we go home?
Barney: Wow, to be honest, this is not my habit, but I feel a real connection, Number 7... Christy. I beg you. I did it! I did it!
Ted and Marshall are Barney.
Jim: Unbelievable. Congratulations on your faultless.
Barney: Thank you, Jim. I would never have done it without the help of my friends.
Jim: Hey, on another subject, you really think you could get fired today?
Barney: Uh, Jim, I told you I wanted to talk about it.
Jim: Barney, I go straight from your imagination, so apparently we must talk! Think about it.
Barney: What a c**t.
Jim: You're the idiot.
Woman: Mr. Donovan will see you now.
Mr Donovan: Stinson, we made a decision. We keep you. I know this last week has been hard.
Barney: I barely slept.
The band is at the bar.
Marshall: That's the guy, the official caps of no fault of Barney. I was going to make t-shirts, but you know, sizes, all that, and it would hurt me to think.
Lily: In commemoration, at the entrance to the Barney legend, this tie, worn during his seventh night of her flawless, freshly removed.
Marshall: May the heroic story of Barney to be remembered, and transmitted from generation to generation.
Ted: I already see myself in front of my children, trying to tell them when their uncle Barney kissed 7 chicks in a row.
Ted (2030): Is what I'm a bad father?
In McLaren's...
Wendy: A command to Coulin Jen? It has a large commission for Jen Coulin here.
Ted: You send Wendy to say now? Go! It's good, I understood.Jen Coulin is a crap name, and it becomes increasingly shitty when it is repeated. Jen Coulin. Jen Coulin. Jen Coulin.
Jen: Present.
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x14 - Perfect Week"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Kids, I remember one time we all gathered at my apartment to watch the Superbowl. Well, not all of us...
(cut to Barney at the stadium holding a sign)
TV anchor: "Welcome back to Superbowl XLIV in Miami. Get a load of that guy! You think that's his real number?"
Ted: Well, that explains where Barney is.
Robin: Dibs on his wings!
(credits)
(at McLaren's)
Barney: Hey, guys!
Ted: Hey!
Barney: Does anyone know who won the Superbowl?
Marshall: You were there. It was the...
Barney: I won! Because I'm now in possession of a magic phone that always rings. And you know who's always usually on the other end? A chick. So how many chicks do I have calling me now? Infinity! Guys, remember Ranjit?
Ranjit: Hello.
Ted: Hey, Ranjit!
Marshall: Good to see you.
Barney: OK I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver because for the next week I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women and I don't want to take the subway cause... you know... germs!
Ted: Wait, you're... you're actually gonna hook up with these girls that call you?
Barney: Oh, indubitably! I'm meeting the first one here any minute. Keep your eyes pealed for a red sweater. Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic and want to 96 me, semi-colon and parenthesis.
Ted: This ought to be good. I can only imagine the quality of girls...
Red-sweater girl: Hi, you ARE the guy from the Superbowl.
Barney: Magic phone, guys. (whispers) Magic phone!
(Robin comes in)
Robin: Oh, hey guys, hey Ranjit.
Lily: Hey.
Marshall: How's it going?
Ted: That beer looks a little flat.
Robin: Nuh, it's scotch.
Ted: Something troubling you, kiddo?
Robin: Hhhhh Don.
Don was Aunt Robin's co-host on her morning show. Now even though her show was on so early that noone watched, Aunt Robin was a consummate professional. But Don was not.
(flashback to Robin's morning show)
Don: Oh yeahh!
But that morning, Don had gone too far.
Robin: Now that's what I call having a woof over your head. Don. DON?
Don: Why is "Ulee's Gold" in every crossword? On to me? Sorry, sorry... Next Sunday is Valentine's Day. And one lucky patient will be receiving a very special chocolate heart: a human heart. OK, that reminds me, I've been meaning to ask you... Robin, do you have any Valentine's Day plans?
(back at Mc Laren's)
Lily: He asked you out?
Robin: He asked me out.
Ted: That's crazy! And they use "Ulee" because of the vowels.
Marshall: What did you say?
Robin: Well we were on the air, I was on the spot, so I said OK.
Lily: Oh, oh, oh!
Marshall: Robin, you're gonna marry this man so freaking hard, right in the butt.
Robin: What? Nooo I HATE Don. And now I can't cancel because I said I would go out with him on the air.
Marshall: What would your viewers think?
Ted: Wow wow wow, you said you'd go out with him on Valentine's? I thought we had plans!
Robin: Getting drunk and cleaning the apartment was a plan?
Ted: I did NOT...say... it was a good plan.
Barney: Guys, guys, guys, we're on me now. And it is getting in-teh-resting. Looks at these texts. Read this one. Yowza! Now look at this one. Does she text her mother with those fingers? Now look at this one... or this one, or this one, or this one, or...
Ted: OK OK OK buddy, how about you do this? Go nail that girl, then read your texts.
Barney: I can't do that, Ted. I just can't hook up with a girl if there is a hotter girl out there with whom up can be hooked.
Lily: Isn't there always a hotter girl?
Barney: I know, isn't it wonderful? (answers phone) Go for Barney. Cut to the chase, what's your cup size?...Oh, hi Mom!
Ted: So there's a hotter girl. Isn't that the problem in a nutshell? There's too many options. You got internet dating, you got bars...
Lily: Holding up your phone number on national TV.
Ranjit: I never had that problem. When I was 18, I had an arranged marriage. And I love my wife more and more every day.
Ted: Hm.
Marshall: It is true. It's very rare that two people just meet and fall madly in love... like Robin and Don.
Robin: Oh but we're not even like going out for dinner, we're just hanging out at his place.
All of them: Ooohhh ahh!
Robin: No, it's not like that. It's just us and a bunch of other people.
All the them: Wooooooo!... (then they stop and think)
Lily: Wait, Robin, what exactly did Don say when he asked you out?
(flashback to the set)
Don: I'm having some friends over at my place for a party. You should come by if you want.
Robin: Errrrrrr...I... OK.
(back at McLaren's)
Lily: Robin, Don didn't ask you out.
Robin: Err, of course he asked me out.
Ted: Err no he didn't.
Robin: Yes, he did. He did. He did. He DID!
Ranjit: OK.
Marshall: Well, dog my cats! I think I know what's going on here. Robin... did you WANT Don to ask out?
Robin: Whaaat?!! (in a high voice) (huffs) Nooo, I HATE Don! I-I-I can't stop thinking how much I hate him, it's like, it's like... all the time. I just wanna att*ck him and rip his stupid clothes off and spank him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. SHUT UP!! (leaves the table)
Ted: See! That right there is what free will gets you. Constant ego-shattering uncertainty. I'm done with that. I want what Ranjit has. I've spent my entire adult life looking for the perfect woman and I'm spending Valentine's Day scrubbing the toilet. I need someone else to find me that woman. Marshall, Lily, arrange-marriage me!
Barney: (walks by, phone ringing)Or this one, or this one, or this one...
Marshall: You want us to arrange your marriage?
Ted: Absolutely. Looks there's two sides to dating, right? Picking and getting picked. Getting picked, I'm good at. Ladies looove Teddy Westside.
Marshall: You're waiting for me to comment on your self-assigned nickname? Well, here's my comment. I love it.
Ted: Really?! (excited)
Marshall: Teddy Westside? Continue.
Ted: It's the picking, I suck at. I pick the wrong girls. But you guys, you're the best pickers I know. You picked each other.
Lily: Oh well with the slight assist from the Wesleyan housing department.
Marshall: And a healthy splash of Drakkar Noir. (they hive five) (Robin giggles)
Ted: Get out there and find me a girl. We'll double date on Valentine's Day. If I like her, I will marry her... if she's cool with it. And she will be. Cause I'll wear my nice blazer.
Marshall: I love that blazer. Almost as much as Robin loves Don.
Robin: I do not love Don.
Marshall: Robin, neurologically speaking, the part of the human brain that makes you hate people is located right next to the part of the brain that makes you want to jump people's bones. The two responses are so similar, it's hard to tell them apart.
Ted: You know what it's like? Wait, I have to get a book. Give me 30 seconds.
(22 minutes later)
Ted: OK this is fun. Look at this picture. It's a rabbit! You can look at it for hours and be absolutely sure it's a rabbit. But then one day, you look at it and you realize, "wait a second, it's a duck!" Rabbit, duck, rabbit, duck. Isn't it fun?
It sure was.
Marshall: Relationships are like that. I mean, look, when you first met Don, you hated him, you thought "This guy's a duck", but one of these days you're gonna realize "This is actually someone that I love, he's a rabbit".
Ted: Wow I think you got it backwards there, buddy. The duck is the thing you love, the rabbit is the thing you hate.
Marshall: What?!!
Robin: Yeah I got to agree. Duck's up, rabbit down.
Lily: Definitely. Ducks are better than rabbits.
Marshall: I got... ducks are... ducks are... rabbits are adorable. Ducks are aargh. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? I mean, ducks are... jerks.
This lead to one of the most intense arguments our group has ever had.
(flash forward)
Ted: Duck is delicious. Rabbit is all gamey.
Marshall: (yelling) We're not talking about flavour, Ted.
Ted: (yelling as well) Flavour counts.
(flash forward)
Marshall: Who carries a duck's foot for good luck? Anyone?
(flash forward)
Robin: You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. (almost yells) I wrap myself in one stuffed with duck feathers. Who's cosier? No, no, no, no, no, no... who's cosier?
(flash forward)
Ted: Hold on, I've got to get another book.
(flash forward)
(Ranjit rants on in his mother tongue, probably Bengali, the official language of Bengladesh.)
(flash forward)
Ted: Then why don't we take, a rabbit, a duck, stick 'em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out?
Marshall: Because it's illegal, Ted!
Ted: Only if we bet on it, Marshall!
(flash forward)
Marshall: FINE! I CAN SEE IT! YOU WIN!
Robin: Say it.
Ted: You have to say it.
Marshall: Duck's good... (long pause, then whispers...) rabbit's bad.
Robin: YAYYYYY.
Lily: YAY.
Ted: YESSS.
Robin: Thank you. And Don is, and always will be, a rabbit.
Ted: Oh I wouldn't be so sure about that, Robin. Think about it. Don... Donald. Donald... Duck. (Marshall sighs heavily) And what, I wonder, does Donald Duck never wear?
Lily: Pants.
Ted: Pants. Don's... a duck. (Lily and Marshall sigh in awe of Ted) Permission to say "lawyered"?
Marshall: I'll allow it.
Ted: Lawyered.
Yes, kids, sometimes there's a fine line between love and hate. Case and point.
(Barney's bedroom)
Barney: There is no place I would rather be and no one I would rather be with... (phone rings) I should get that. (picks up in the kitchen) Go for Barney... Look, I'm sort of in the middle of someone, something right now and I... You're a hot lady bullfighter?... (to the girl in his room) You gotta go.
(Ranjit's cab)
Barney: McLaren's pub.
Ranjit: McLaren's pub.
(at McLaren's)
Barney: Well, heeelllooo.
(back in Barney's bedroom)
Barney: There is no place I would rather be, and no one I would rather be... (phone rings) Would you excuse me for one moment? (picks up in the kitchen) Go for Barney, look, I... You're a gold medalist japanese figure skater? (to the lady bullfighter) Adios, muchacha!
(Ranjit's cab)
Barney: McLaren's pub.
Ranjit: McLaren's pub.
(at McLaren's)
Barney: Well, heeelllooo.
(back in Barney's bedroom)
Barney: No place I'd rather be, no one I'd rather b... (phone rings) baaah... for Pete's sake. (picks up in the kitchen) You're a HOT chick? (to the skater) Sayonara.
(Ranjit's cab)
Barney: McLaren's pub.
Ranjit: McLaren's pub.
(at McLaren's)
Barney: Well, heeelllooo.
Hot Chick: I realize that you're very busy, so I'll just get straight to the point.
Barney: OK.
(she puts her left leg behind her neck, opens her beer bottle with her toes, grabs the bottle with her right hand and drinks)
Barney: Ay ay ay.
Hot Chick: And that's my bad leg. Very bad. (phone rings) Are you OK?
Barney: Yeah of course. Why, why wouldn't I be?... (picks up) Go for Barney.
Barney had been sure that phone was something he loved. But now he realized it wasn't that at all. It was something else entirely.
(Barney loses it and sees the phone as a cute/bad white rabbit, runs to the back alley and drops the phone in the bin)
Barney: I'm free.
(back in his bedroom)
Barney: Ahh now this feels right. There is no place I would rather be, and no one I would rather be... (hears THE phone ringing)
Hot Chick: What's wrong?
Barney: Did you hear that?
Hot Chick: Hear what?
Barney: Shhhhhhhh. (loses his mind) aaahhhh
(Ranjit's cab)
Barney: McLaren's pub!!
Ranjit: McLaren's pub!
(Barney goes through the bar to the back alley and searches the bin for the phone.)
Barney: (crying) Go-o for Barrr-neeeeyy. (back to business) D cups, really?
Finally Valentine's Day arrived. The deadline for Marshall and Lily to find me a wife. An important job they had...well, forgotten to do.
(at McLaren's)
Marshall: Aren't we supposed to go on a double date with Ted?
Lily: Ted? No, he's not seeing anyone. Remember, he asked us to find...
Marshall: Oh, no.
(they start running through the bar in search of Ted's future wife)
Marshall: Hey! Hey, wanna get married?
(cut to Lily)
Lily: (annoyed) I don't know what kind of architect? Houses, buildings, that kind of crap.
(cut to Marshall, there are 3 women sitting together)
Marshall: (to the 1st one) Wanna marry my friend Ted? (to the 2nd one) Wanna marry my friend Ted? (to the 3d one) Wanna marry my friend Ted?
(back to Lily)
Lily: You can be choosey? You're in a bar on Valentine's Day, uh!
(cut to Marshall to a blond at the bar)
Marshall: Hey, just real quick... (the girl pepper-sprays him, he writhes in pain) you wanna marry my friend Ted?
(back to Lily and Marshall)
Lily: Man, Ted's right, it's tough out there.
Marshall: This is stupid. You know what, we forgot about this. I'm sure Ted did also.
(Robin and Ted's apartment)
Ted: Here comes the groom in his favorite blazer, gonna meet my wife and I'm...laser, tazer, gaze her, take, bathe her?
Robin: Hey, Ted?
Ted: Yeah?
Robin: Before you go meet your future wife, why don't you swing by Don's party with me?
Ted: That's what you're wearing?
Robin: Yeah, why?
Ted: He's a duck. That dude be straight-ducking. "And I think that I'll amaze her". Nailed it!
So we went to Don's party.
(in the hall to Don's apartment)
Ted: Look, Robin, I don't wanna crowd you on your little date here, so if things start to get hot and heavy with Don...
Robin: They're not gonna get...
Ted: I'm just saying, if they do... I'll just say "Well, I got a dinner res" and then, wait this is the last part, I've been working on it for a while... I'll duck out.
Robin: Ha ha ha. It's not gonna get happen... but yeah, do that!
(Don's apartment)
Don: Hello, Robin. (he gets up from the couch, he's naked, except for a heart-shaped red chocolate box covering his privates)
Ted: Well, I got a dinner res... (Ted ducks out)
Robin: Come... god, Don, what the hell are you doing?
Don: I don't know. It's something called the Naked Man. I read about it on some guy's blog. My god, I'm so stupid, why did I ever think it would work on someone like you?
Robin: Yeah, cause I would never, could like, standards, so... you know... I thought this was a party.
Don: I only said that to get you to come over here. I didn't think you'd bring a date.
Robin: Ted's not my date. He's a friend.
Don: Oh god, you probably think I'm some kind of playboy now, right?
Robin: (sees Don with imaginary rabbit's ears) You could say that.
(later at Robin and Ted's)
Ted: So he's a rabbit. At least you know for sure.
Robin: Ted, this may hurt a little, I'm recycling your old Architecture Weekly magazines.
Ted: What are you doing?
Robin: Cleaning. You go on your date. Happy Valentine's Day.
(in front of the restaurant)
Marshall: Oh, thank god, you're here!
Ted: Yeah, I've been thinking, hmm, maybe we should call this whole thing off...
Marshall: No. Ted. We got her. It's, it's the craziest thing. We were searching all week and then a couple hours ago...
(flashback to McLaren's)
Marshall: Trudy?
Lily: Married.
Marshall: Blah Blah?
Lily: Committed.
Marshall: Relationship?
Lily: Bellevue.
Marshall: Natalie?
Lily: Ted's her least favorite person in the world.
Marshall: Well, she's not getting any younger.
(Barney shows up)
Barney: Get rid of it. This phone is cursed. Cursed, I tell you! I tried to ignore it but it just never stops ringing. It's ruining my life! I should get that. (Marshall takes it away from him) No, please, please, please, Marshall, let me answer it, it could be an emergency, she could be trapped in a giant bra.
Ranjit: Barney, Barney, let it go... to voicemail. (carries him to the cab)
Barney: (mumbles) OK... (cries into Ranjit's shoulder)
Marshall: We have to find Ted a wife. We're being too choosey. It almost doesn't matter who it is at this point. (both look over at Barney's phone)
(flash forward to the front of the restaurant)
Ted: It's a phone girl!?
Marshall: I know, I know... but no, then we met her and Ted... she's a world-class violinist, she's a gourmet cook and she can quote every line from Caddy Shack.
Ted: Wow.
Hot Chick: Hello, Ted! "And what brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape? Why are you here?" (Ted's impressed)
So we all had dinner. And kids, Lily and Marshall's hard work had paid off. Because that girl was terrific. In fact...
Marshall: Oh but Natalia, tell Ted the problem.
Lily: Yeah, yeah, tell him, tell him!
Natalia: Well, unfortunately I'm going to have to leave the country soon because my visa is about to expire.
Lily: (whispers) She needs to get married.
Marshall: (whispers too) Federal law expressly dictates that a foreign national can't maintain residency for longer than six months without a work visa.
But when it came down to it...
Waiter: And you, Sir? The rabbit or the duck?
Ted: What?
Waiter: It's a pre-fixed menu for Valentine's Day and we're already out of the steak, fish and chicken. So rabbit or duck?
Ted: Rabbit. Sorry, guys, I gotta go. (he leaves)
Marshall: Why would Ted order the rabbit if he's just gonna run out?
(Barney comes in)
Barney: I need it back. Where is the phone? Well, heeellooooo. Oh I met you already. Where is the phone?
Lily: It's hidden.
Barney: Where?
Where had Aunt Lily hidden the phone? Well, to answer that question, we have to back up a little bit.
(flashback to Robin and Ted's)
Robin: You go on your date. Happy Valentine's Day.
(we hear Barney's phone, Ted walks over to the piano)
Ted: Barney's phone... I wonder how it got in there?
Robin: Ted! Come on. Big date.
Ted: Uh what's the harm... Hello!
And just like that, I was hooked.
(flashforward to the front of the restaurant)
Ted: Terrific. I will see you there. And I'll be the guy in the awesome blazer. Ah ah ah I think you'll know the blazer when you see it. Oooh! I gotta go.
Marshall: Oh, thank god, you're here.
(flashforward to inside the restaurant)
Waiter: So rabbit or duck?
Ted: Rabbit. Sorry, guys, I gotta go.
(back at McLaren's)
Ted: Well, heeellooooo. (to a pretty girl ; phone rings) Sorry, babe, I gotta take this. Barney's phone, Teddy Westside speaking.
Barney: My phone. I'm taking it back. And I'm taking your cool nickname too. Barney Westside speaking.
Ted: No, no, I love it so much. It just keeps ringing and ringing and ringing. Give it, give it.
Barney: (picks up) Hey, baby...
Ted: It's mine now.
Barney: It's not your phone. (they fight over it)
Marshall: Lily. (hands her the phone). No. No! (Barney grabs his neck) Aaaargh.
Lily: (drops the phone into a pitcher) Oops.
(later at Robin and Ted's)
Ted: Being single sucks. It turns you into a crazy person.
Robin: I know. So much running around and freaking out. For what?
Ted: So long as you can find someone you can sit on the couch and put off cleaning the bathroom with.
Robin: Well, the joke's on the rest of the world cause we can do that on our own.
Ted: Exactly.
Robin: Exactly.
(next morning, on the set)
Don: Robin, I have to apologize...
Robin: Save it. Let's just do the news.
Don: No. Listen... after you left the other night, I was embarrassed. Not because I was naked. I'm actually pretty OK with my body.
Robin: Clearly.
Don: I got married in college. I just got divorced three months ago. I have no idea how to be single. But that's not why I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed by my behavior right here at Channel...hmm, it starts with a 1, I know that, but...
Robin: 12.
Don: 12!...
Robin: You can... just look at your mug.
Don: Right. Well, no, you look at this mug (point to his face). You are a tremendous news anchor. And you deserve a co-anchor who gives a crap. And from here on out, it's gonna be me.
Robin: Well, I'll believe that when I see it.
Don: Well, you'll see it right now. I'll go get you some coffee.
Robin: Don!! You're wearing pants!
Don: Well, look at that!
Robin: (sees him with an imaginary duck's beak) Uh, duck!
(end credits)
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x15 - Rabbit or Duck"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): The children in my stories, I'm a romantic idealist in search of true love. In it, I'm just stupid.
Ted joined the band at McLaren's.
Ted: Friends, tonight is the night. I invite Tiffany home to see my collection of vintage cameras.
Barney: It's the lure of Ted.
Lily: Bait?
Barney: A true gentleman invents an excuse to bring home a respectable lady. Something interesting or beautiful that can claim to admire for 5 minutes before it starts on the track.
Ted: As if she had to "borrow a book" or "listen to old vinyl."
Marshall: Or see your new poster rap.
Robin: Post rap? On which it would work?
Lily: It was the first week of college. I was way into Wu-Tang Clan.
Barney: It's tricky. It must be interesting enough that the girl up, but not too much not to spoil the evening.
Flashback
Barney is a girl with him and they play a slot machine.
Barney: The slot machine is too much fun. And a trampoline... that's actually too dangerous. But I finally found the perfect bait... A mini pig.
End flashback
Ted: A mini pig? On which it would work?
Lily: You got a mini pig?
Robin: You can see the mini pig?
Ted: I can borrow your mini pig?
Barney: Yes, you can borrow.
Tiffany is in the apartment with Ted.
Tiffany: You have a mini pig? I can not believe it! You're too cute!You're the cutest little pig on Earth! What?
Ted: You've always been so beautiful? You're going out on "In high school I was super shy and I in my skin"?
Tiffany: I was shy and ill at ease. I'd like 50 more pounds and protruding teeth.
Ted: Seriously?
Tiffany: No. I was always canon. What can I do? You know who else would love this mini pig? (He goes to kiss) My boyfriend.
GENERIC
Ted: You got a boyfriend?
Tiffany: I know... Boring, eh? Finally, it is... not really my boyfriend.
Ted: Okay.
Tiffany: Well, technically it is.
Ted: He is or not?
Tiffany: A little each but not both.
Ted: Do you understand anything?
Tiffany: I appreciate you. But you must be patient. I do not want to lose you, my Dark Brown.
Ted: Someone does not want to lose his Dark Brown.
Robin: She gave you her hook.
Ted: What? I am not to his hook.
Barney: Yes, completely.
Robin: It gives you false hope, but it does not engage with you, but it keeps you in the corner, just in case, like... an old canned chili in the pantry.
Lily: Who would buy a can of chili for not eating it away?
Marshall: Amen, sister.
Robin: Do you feel pretty good. It is gone. It was on both sides. I was hooked and crocheter. It's good guys. I was shameless, but I did not have money problems.
Marshall: I've been hooked. Lisa Walker. See the scene... In 1994, St. Cloud, Minnesota.
Flashback
Marshall is sitting outside his house with a girl.
Marshall: So I was, like, thinking, Lisa, do, perhaps you want, like, go out with me?
Lisa: It sounds great. But I'm seeing this guy. It has a LeBaron convertible and an unlimited pass to the rink, so I would not miss it.
Marshall: I understand.
Lisa: What if we did that? You could be my secret boyfriend who does all my homework.
Marshall: Okay. Wanna see my post of rap?
End flashback
Lily: Whore posting!
Marshall: So... Lisa Walker gave me false hope for months until one night I went to tell him how much I loved her. In song.
Flashback
Lisa Marshall is waiting outside her home.
Marshall: She was not home yet so I waited. And expected. I woke up, covered with snow, after 4h. And then I saw them. The footprints of Lisa. She had passed right by me to the house.
End flashback
Marshall: It was fine in the end. It freed me from its hook.
Ted: That's not the same with me and Tiffany. Listen.
Flashback
Tiffany: You interest me very much. But I can not be with you for now.
End flashback
Robin: "Right now" is the catch phrase of choice.
Marshall: "For now" you draw a picture of a future where everything will be magical, but in truth, it'll never happen.
Barney: It's like that. "I can not be with you". "For now."
Lily: I think my high school boyfriend Scooter, is a little to my hook.
Marshall: A little? Completely. The poor showed up at our wedding hope you recover.
Lily: It's weird when I see him at work.
Marshall: Wait. What?
Lily: Scooter works in the Ikea cafeteria 'school. We talked.
Flashback
Lily is able to meals noon.
Scooter: Nice dress. French fries? I love you.
End flashback
Marshall: We certainly do not talk about that!
Lily: But if. I talked to full time. "Scooter canteen."
Marshall: I thought you was talking about a long-awaited means of transport, carrying such poor canteen.
Lily: It explains a lot.
Flashback
Lily: Scooter canteen was still there today.
Marshall: You're mounted on it? You did a tour?
Lily: No!
Marshall: Really? In your place I would have rode this scooter all day to break it into two.
End flashback
Marshall: So these poor women must still walk? Expect. Scooter works in your school?
Lily: Are you jealous?
Marshall: I feel bad for Scooter. It took this job just because he thinks he has a chance with you. You must ensure that he understands that it is wrong for it turns the page and gets a real work canteen. Shit!
Lily: I tried!
Flashback
Lily is in the Ikea cafeteria 'of his school.
Scooter: I saw that you had free time. So do I. And if you fled?
Lily: Let me be clear, Scooter. There is no way that you and I are together. For now.
Scooter: See you tomorrow. It's Tuesday Tijuana.
End flashback
Marshall: "For now"? You got to the earnest Scooter? You must release your scooter hook.
Lily: You're right. Tomorrow, that's what I'll do.
Marshall: Why not tomorrow?
Lily: I can not spoil the Tijuana Tuesday.
Barney is Ted at the bar.
Barney: Really? You really gonna sit and watch the door all night because Tiffany said she would try to pass?
Ted: I will not give up.
Ted (2030): I should have quit.
Ted: This girl is special.
Ted (2030): It was the devil!
Ted: It will get better with Tiffany.
Ted (2030): No, moron!
Barney: Ted, let me be clear. That girl is poison and you have to forget your life forever.
Ted: There she is. (Between Tiffany followed by several other women) It has led to colleagues.
Barney: Hold on to it. Never lets go! I have never seen more beautiful girls. They all work with Tiffany?
Ted: Yep.
Barney: There can be only one explanation for that. Tiffany is a representative... e, pharmaceuticals?
Ted: How do you know?
Barney: And you never thought to say?
Ted: What? It's just a job.
Barney: That a b... Since time immemorial there has always been a professional edge to which girls g*n, like Tiffany, have flocked. I'll redo the story?
Ted: I will not say explicitly.
Barney: It began 2.5 million years ago. The man was a hunter.So the profession's sexiest moment? Picker. h*m* erectus, indeed. With improved technology, the profession's sexiest moment was changing. I'm sure it's a hernia. You can double-check? And then the man grabbed the heavens. So girls sexy stiletto heels began and became a flight attendant. I'm right and ready to f*re. Then the man said, "Life is hard. I should start taking lots of drugs. " So sexy girls landed in medical offices, hot enough to make these pills erection ironically unnecessary. So today, girls are pharma's sexiest moment.
Tiffany: Hi my great darkness. How are you?
Ted: Okay. In fact, you've dumped your loser of guy?
Tiffany: No, sir.
It returns to the counter.
Ted: She touched my nose.
Barney: Largue Tiffany and join the Barnacle in a buffet of girls pharma. There may be loss of clothing, knees b*rned, respiratory weakness and sore abs the next day. That the world give a damn five?!
Lily returned to the apartment while Marshall is sitting on the couch.
Marshall: I know you're having trouble dropping Scooter. I decided that you need training. And you say that the problem is his sad eyes? (He returns with a mini pig) Okay, shut up, woman. Now I want you to look this mini pig and you tell him it is impossible for you to be with him one day.
Lily: Mini Pig, it is impossible that I may one day with you. For now.
Marshall: Go! Be a man!
Lily: I'm sorry, but it is just so cute. I just want to cuddle him all day. Oh, yes.
Marshall: You know, it's funny. I remember when you told me stuff like that.
Lily: I still do.
Marshall: Not as much. Not as much.
Ted returns to McLaren's, where Barney is still there.
Barney: There's no nights like with pharma pharma because the nights never stop! Dude, I've flirted with three of them. The fantasy. In addition, my cholesterol is low. My restless legs syndrome is cured. I am more alive than ever.
He joined Robin, Marshall and Lily at their usual table.
Ted: Friends, good news. Tiffany broke up with her boyfriend. So I'm not the hook.
Robin: You're always on the hook.
Ted: Look what we did yesterday.
Flashback
Ted and Tiffany are sitting beside each other on the sofa.
Ted: First, it was spoiled. Then we shared a chocolate cake.Then, well, I did not used to join the discussions of changing rooms, but I made her a foot massage... rather sensual.
End flashback
Robin: And let me guess: it's not gone further than that.
Ted: Well, no, but...
Lily: And tell me, would you have accidentally made this chocolate cake?
Ted: It was a pre-made.
Lily: There's no shame to admit it. We were all hooked and we all hooked someone.
Ted: I've never done that.
Robin: Are you kidding? And this daughter of the university library? Henrietta?
Ted: Henrietta and I are just friends.
Robin: It is too much to your hook.
Ted: Absolutely not.
Ted (2030): Yes, completely. Finally...
Flashback
Ted (2030):... it was spoiled. We shared a chocolate cake. It made me long foot massages. I'm not proud of, children.
End flashback
Robin: You like to have Henrietta close for the same reason that Tiffany likes to have you close, it flatters the ego.
Ted: You amaze me that such an expert is to keep people on your hook. And this poor cameraman your job?
Robin: Mike and I are just friends.
Ted: Come on.
Flashback
Robin sits on the couch, eating a chocolate cake and a massage the feet.
Robin: Yeah, right.
Mike: You never thought to go to the next step with me?
Robin: If you mean to do my laundry, I'm starting lineup.
Mike: It's a deal.
End flashback
Robin: What! I do not keep Mike in my hook.
Ted: You're Captain Hook.
Robin: Dude, I'm a girl. Our female parts are like a cobweb.Sometimes you jokes of things you want to.
Ted: That's not why it's good.
Robin: And Henrietta, in any way, are not losing time with you, huh?
Ted: Henrietta knows we're just friends. In fact, I'll call and get away with it tonight, friends.
Ted arrives at Henrietta.
Henrietta: I love you. What? Want a foot massage? Because I'm driven on me.
Ted: No, that's fine.
Henrietta: I did not know if you were hungry, I did some stuff... Nothing special.
Ted (2030): Children, looking back, I do not know how I have not seen Henrietta was crazy about me.
Ted's phone rings.
Ted: Hello?
Tiffany: Hey Ted!
Ted: Hey Tiffany!
Tiffany: I go to the country this weekend at a friends wedding.Wanna be my cavalier?
Ted: I would love that. What are you doing here? Great. See you in 10 minutes. Super. Sorry, Henrietta, something unexpected.We redo it, my friend?
Henrietta: Yeah, it's not a concern.
Ted: It works, yeah.
Henrietta: You have the strength.
Ted expressed in Henrietta.
Ted (2030): What a jerk.
Mother of Henrietta: Wait. Where is Ted? I thought we would finally meet him.
Henrietta: An unexpected, okay, Mom?
Father: I told you there was not.
Henrietta: I heard.
Ted prepares the room.
Ted (2030): So there I was, at one of the surest signs to make a landing in a relationship: a country wedding. It finally came.
Tiffany between.
Ted: Champagne?
Tiffany: I forgot to call you.
Ted: Whatever it is, we can talk now.
Tiffany: This is Jack. This is the man at the wedding. We just get back together.
Ted: Now that I think a call would have been nice.
Jack: Is that you Ted? But I heard you were doing a great chocolate cake.
Tiffany: It is not great? And it is in a group. Thank you.
Marshall Lily always leads to drop Scooter.
Marshall: Come on, Lily. You must drop Scooter. Try it again.
Lily: Mini pig... I do not wanna be with you. For now.
Marshall: Act like a man!
Lily: Mini pig... I do not wanna be with you. Ever.
Marshall: Finish him!
Lily: It will never be together in any sexual way again.
Marshall: Well done. Weird thing to say to a pig.
Lily: Really bad.
Back in the hotel room with Ted and Tiffany...
Tiffany: Well, I do not think it will work out between us. For now.
Ted (2030): And that's when it h*t me. I was at his hook. I also realized...
Tiffany: You've missed so much, baby.
Ted (2030): Tiffany was to hook this guy. It was a vicious circle.Henrietta was my hook. And years later I learned that this poor guy was on the hook of Henrietta.
Ted: You know what? That will not work between us... ever. I'm done. (He takes the jacket on the bed and hand) And that's really better for traffic if you weight the arch with your thumbs. Now I'm done.
Lily and Marshall arrive at the Ikea cafeteria 'school.
Lily: I can do it alone.
Marshall: So prove it. And... take me a pudding.
Lily: Listen, Scooter. There is no way we ever be together.
Marshall: Right now! I'm sorry but he is adorable.
Lily: Listen. I want to be with you.
Marshall: So far. Hang in there. I will not be eternal.
Robin and Barney are at McLaren's.
Barney: Yesterday I was with this girl so sexy that pharma should call a doctor if you have no erection for more than 4h. I have no reason people?
Robin: There is no one. Just the girl with whom you came out recently.
Woman: I want you to meet the latest arrival.
Woman 2: Nice to meet you. I represent statins and other cholesterol-lowering drugs.
Woman: Let's go have a drink.
Barney: It's over.
Robin: What?
Barney: The girls of pharma are more than g*n. This is the end of an era.
Robin: You're a little dramatic.
Barney: Really? It starts with a Gladys. And suddenly, a few gay guys not so fabulous fall into the ranks. And before you know it, the girls look like pharma team to a Southwest flight to Albuquerque in Little Rock. It's over!
Ted (2030): So that night I went to live in Henrietta prepared to release it from my hook.
Ted knocks on the door in Henrietta. Something falls to the ground and he picks up.
Flashback
Tiffany: This is Jack. This is the man at the wedding.
Jack places his jacket on the bed where it was Ted.
Ted: I'm done.
Ted takes the jacket on the bed thinking it was hers.
End flashback
Henrietta opens the door and found Ted to his knees, a ring in hand.
Henrietta: The answer is yes!
Ted is in the apartment with Robin.
Ted: It's worse.
Flashback
Henrietta: This is perfect! Mom, Dad! Ted asked me to marry him!
Mother: I knew this would happen!
Father: My son!
Ted: Yeah, there was a...
End flashback
Robin: What did you do?
Ted: Honestly, I thought to marry him just out of sheer embarrassment. But I did the right thing. I did what anyone who has someone should hook her. I would have broken my heart.
Flashback
Ted: Henrietta, I'm sorry if it's brutal but I think you duty. I do not wanna be with you.
Henrietta: Right now?
Ted: Ever.
Henrietta: But we're still going to marry, does not it?
End flashback
Ted: It was violent.
Robin: Sorry, big guy. Honesty is hard, but ultimately it is the softer alternative. (Mike enters with the laundry basket) I must tell you something. You've finished the laundry fragile?
Mike: Another tour.
Robin: It can wait.
Ted and Robin are at the bar when Barney comes.
Robin: How are you?
Ted: You still broies black to the end of the era of the daughters of pharma?
Barney: I've realized that their reign had to stop to give way to a sexy new profession. It may be... communications officer in an intergalactic spaceship to a distant solar system that we can imagine. Maybe it will be... contract. It is not known. But one thing is certain. The future shines... as a huge sun throwing rays of orange light over our heads and our spirits.
Robin: Why change your mind?
Barney: The realization that hope springs eternal. Ca and the little purple pill box found in my bag. I do not know what they are, but they are amazing!
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x16 - Hooked"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Children, during a warm evening in March 2010, the New York police rescued a 34 year old man from the Hudson River... your Uncle Barney.
Barney is sitting on a bench, a blanket on the back.
Police: Okay, big guy, tell me all along.
Barney: It all started a week ago.
Flashback
Barney is at McLaren's.
Barney: I spent time at a local bar. Entered... a lady.
Woman: Nothing is sexier than a man wearing a nice tie.
Barney: Aside from a woman who appreciates a nice tie.
Woman: But this is merely a tie.
End flashback
Barney: It was not my best tie.
Police: Right.
Barney: So, right after that, I took her home.
Flashback
Barney is at home with the woman he met at the bar.
Woman: When I'm in bed with a man, my body becomes a machine fueled by desire, greed and a hunger to satisfy every single... the carnal desires of my lover.
Barney: Fortunately, the cleaning lady comes tomorrow.
Woman: Good night.
Barney: What? Wait, what? I thought your body would become a machine fueled by desire, greed and a hunger only to satisfy my every carnal desires.
She leaves the apartment of Barney.
End flashback
GENERIC
Don, Robin, Marshall and Lily are at McLaren's.
Robin: I really think Don and I found our rhythm to work.
Don: Thanks to this young woman to my left. This report on how rodent avoided in the subway...
Robin: The answer might surprise you. It's all rodents.
Don: I gotta go, okay? See you soon.
Marshall: Nice to meet you.
Don: I do too.
Don leaves the bar.
Marshall: This guy is awesome. It's funny, smart, beautiful. You have him to nab it before someone else.
Robin: I hope you do not talk to you.
Lily: It's been 4 months since you broke up with Barney. It's time to get back on the market.
Marshall: Yeah, Barney sees girls, it could not be happier.
Ted, Marshall and Lily's apartment and listen to Barney.
Barney: I could be more unfortunate. All night, she goes back on me. I brought her back home and she runs away? When I loose a daughter, I am polite to sleep with her before. It is good manners.
Ted: It looks like she has read this book, Of course you're alone, look at you, poor trail. What? It was this book that helps girls find a husband. It is that of Robin. I just laminated. Okay! Barney, when you were with this girl, she subtly used the word "sex"?
Flashback
Woman: I'm in the inter-gender-ing, and I have some sex-seconds before the light turns green. And then, everyone honks, and it really sex, but I can not run because a jogger slips and falls in the Sacraments of sex-horse.
Barney: Continuous. Continues.
End flashback
Ted: Did she used an excuse for physical contact?
Flashback
Woman: It's the cashmere?
Barney: Kashmir? This is the virgin merino hand-woven. The fibers of this costume are spaced less than 12 microns.
Female: 12 microns. I like the tight fibers.
Barney: Well, you're lucky, because mine are the tightest. And touched, they are more gentle.
End flashback
Barney: She did it too!
Ted: And here's the final test. Next time, invite the following evening. The book says that it is forbidden, then surely it will give you a bogus excuse, like, "I can not tomorrow night. I have already planned to clean my garage and I take a bubble bath.But why not next week? "
Barney at the bar with a woman.
Barney: You try this shit of course you're alone, look at you, poor trail.
Woman: It's not crap. Sure you're alone, look at you, poor trail, is a brilliant book. And it scares the guys who only want the ass.
Barney: Did you just say you got a kid!
Woman: You'd be surprised how many assholes we cross. That is why my book says to never sleep at first date.
Barney: Completely.
Woman: Or the second. Or the third.
Barney: Of course. Well...
Woman: Or the fourth.
Barney: Just tell me how!
Female: 17.
Barney: Excuse me, someone is using this stool?
He sits down and falls.
The band is at the apartment of Ted and Robin.
Ted: That is: no sex before hot date 17th.
Lily: If you're not going to take her 17th hot date, you should give up.
Barney: I will not give up, but yes. For, thanks to the book of Ted...
Ted: From Robin is Robin.
Barney: I can have two sh*ts ahead. There is a flaw in there and I will get it.
The phone rings and Robin wins.
Don: Listen... You wanna go out on Saturday night?
Robin: Saturday night?
Marshall: It invites you to come out? Say yes! Say yes!
Robin: Don... Listen, it's... it's really nice of you, and you're really great...
Marshall, with the phone in the kitchen: Yes, I'm going out with you.
Don: Robin, you okay?
Robin launches a cushion to Marshall but the spleen.
Marshall: I just have a cold. That's why for my voice. (She goes into the kitchen and tries to pick up the phone) But great for Saturday night. One can go to a restaurant grill, and you could bring a first side for my friends Marshall. I gotta go. Kisses.
Robin: But what are you doing?
Marshall: You have to do, okay? A great guy like Don, it's rare.And speaking of rare, first one side, do not forget. Thank you.
Barney: I can not believe. Friends... This is it! She wrote the book! It must be named Anita. My plan was to sleep with her but it changes everything. New plan: I'll sleep with her.
Marshall, Lily and Robin are at the bar.
Lily: That girl that Barney hunting, it seems a somewhat anti-Barney. I like the way the universe has decided to collect.
Robin: Actually, Anita Barney went to see him because I have requested.
Lily: You told to go and see Anita Barney? How you know her?
Robin: It was my show.
Flashback
Anita is interviewed by Robin.
Robin: But, uh... if you had to summarize your book in less than 30 words...
Anita: I would summarize in one, Robin. And that word is "no."By saying no constantly and consistently, it gives a power, simultaneously transforming any fool in human wreck, subject, and whining.
Robin: Is not this the dream of all women? After the break, we'll talk about your new book, Of course you have not yet retirement plan, look at you, poor trail, scheduled for June We come back after the break.
Mike: It's good. You want a coffee?
Robin: Absolutely, Mike, great idea.
Mike: You?
Anita: No. And you, Robin? You go out with someone?
Robin: I have not really want right now.
Anita: You were broken heart?
End flashback
Robin: And then I told him everything. It came out at once. And in the end, she said...
Flashback
Anita: That Barney needs a lesson. Give me the order, and I will destroy it.
Robin: That's to say?
Anita: I will use the power of "no" to destroy your friend Barney.Say it.
Robin: Come on, it does not really work, though?
Mike: I knew not what you wanted when I caught you a cappuccino, espresso, latte, decaf... and a Turkish coffee.
Anita: Thank you, Mike. Think about it.
Robin: I never thought that I would think, but... I thought about it.
The band is at the bar.
Barney: This Pilates teacher broke all scores. Imagine Robin, but younger. And bigger breasts. Not bigger, but more shapely.And larger. (Robin phone) I put on the StairMaster and...
Robin: It does.
Barney: Spoilers. Regardless, we did.
Anita: It's done. (Mike brings a drink to Anita) Thank you, Mike.
End flashback
Robin: I know it was stupid, but, see, at that time, I was still depressed over the break. I was in my phase of mourning. It means a lot of tape and long nights at the sh**ting range.
Lily: I hope this was not the same nights.
Robin: Serious, Lily. I do not remember everything.
Marshall and Lily are in bed.
Marshall: You knew that Robin was in mourning? It looked good after the break.
Lily: You know her. She keeps her emotions for her. But yes, I saw her crying sometimes.
Marshall: She cried? Real tears? It means...
Ted (2030): Marshall understood what he had been con with Robin.
Flashback
Marshall: Yeah, Barney sees girls, it could not be happier. You see, this guy has been very active. Sexually. Finally, it is like that... bang... bang... bang... You see? It's like... bang... bang...
End flashback
Marshall: How could you let me do? You're my wife. You must avoid that I ridiculed in public.
Lily: I know, but the song is rather catchy.
They start to sing.
Ted and Barney are at McLaren's.
Barney: Shit. I read this entire book and I find no fault. What will I do?
Ted: There is another option... but you're not ready.
Barney: Tell me.
Ted: If you must conclude in one hot date, a date that must be crazy. I do not speak of a restaurant-cine. Or mini golf. I speak of... 17 romantic rendezvous grouped into one incredible night. I mean... a super hot date.
Barney: A great date? It's not very catchy. And if I say a mega date?
Ted: If you want my help, it's a super hot date.
Barney: Okay.
Ted: Let me do it. I will plan everything.
Barney: You're going to plan everything? This is cutesy and romantic?
Ted: Cutesy and romantic? (He starts singing) No need to take him to Paris or Peru...
Barney: What are you doing?
Ted singing: You just gotta make him understand...
Barney: They look at us.
Ted: How important it is for you...
Barney: Really? You really gonna do that?
Ted, still singing: In your super hot date, Global problems will simply be put aside, for wonders and surprises that will be the stars. Hurry, do not be late because together, you will find a country where paradise is rebukes. And then, boom! Fireworks in the sky over Manhattan! You kiss him. And your super hot date.
Barney: It looks to me like cutesy and romantic. Box strip?
Ted: Box strip.
Ted (2030): Finally, the night of the great rencards arrived.
Robin Marshall joined the bar.
Marshall: Tonight is the big night. Where do you take D-Bag?This is a bad nickname for Don. I will look better.
Robin: I just... I canceled.
Robin hand to the bathroom.
Marshall: How does it... Wait.
Ted and Lily sit at the table.
Lily: A problem?
Marshall: Robin canceled his hot date.
Ted: What? She was super excited there is one hour.
Flashback
Robin leaves his room in a red dress.
Ted: You look like the classiest and most expensive of all prost*tute.
Robin: Thank you.
Ted: You're excited to go out with Don?
Robin: You know what? Looks good. Do not tell Marshall.
Ted: I will say nothing. I bet you will spend a good evening. And not, however, a great night. A great night will be spent by Barney during his date with Anita. A carriage ride, dinner at "Tombeur panties." They call it a super hot date.
End flashback
Marshall: Ted! How could you do that?! Robin has just released his period of mourning!
Ted: She seemed happy after the break.
Marshall: You see nothing. Typical of a guy. She was obviously devastated.
Ted: Wait, but that would mean...
Ted (2030): And I understood what I had been con with Robin.
Flashback
Ted arrives at the bar while Marshall sings and dances.
Ted: You sing what?
Marshall: A song about the number of girls that Barney has typed recently.
Ted: I'll sing a verse.
Marshall: Super.
End flashback
Ted: Where is she?
Marshall: I think it is the toilet.
Robin cries when Marshall, Lily and Ted enters the toilet.
Robin: I'm fine, I'm fine.
Barney and whistles will open the door of his apartment.Marshall followed between Ted and Lily, and he will give a punch in the robot's head of Barney.
Barney: Why did you do that?
Marshall: Because I am angry against you. And against me. Ted and cons. And frankly, I still am against the Empire.
Barney: Why are you angry against me?
Ted: You were a real assh*le to Robin when she was in her period of mourning.
Barney: The period of mourning? She has not had a period of mourning.
Ted: You see nothing.
Marshall: Typical of a guy.
Lily: Barney, sit down, there are two three things to tell you.
Barney: What, she is upset?
Lily: Of course she is upset. Look at you, poor trail.
Ted (2030): Then Aunt Lily told Barney all the little details of what he had not seen since the break.
Flashback
Barney: You should have seen.
Robin: I'm going.
Barney: We go back home...
Robin left the apartment and crying in the hallway. We see Barney on television with a sign and Robin goes into the kitchen crying. At the bar, the boys sing and dance on the number of Barney's conquests.
End flashback
Barney throws his hat into the robot.
Barney: I can not believe that Robin is upset.
Marshall: And hast me you vomit in your Stormtrooper helmet.
Barney: I did worse after the premiere of "The Phantom Menace."It's been like that since we broke up?
Lily: Well, it was much better before you decide to go to your stupid super hot date with Anita. And now she broods, God knows where.
Barney: I know where.
Robin is at the sh**ting range. Barney arrives.
Robin: Barney, what's up? I thought you had a super hot date.
Barney: I know you're upset.
Robin: What? No. I've never been happier. Anita and this seems great. I'm so glad... by the merest chance, you found yourself. It warms my f*cking heart.
She pulls without the headphones on, then ends up throwing his g*n because there is more balls.
Barney: You sure you're not upset?
Robin: Of course I do. Do not you see how to talk continually of your conquests makes me feel like another number for you?
Barney: You're not another number for me.
Robin: And now you to take Anita you barely know, this extraordinary hot date, then you do not ever offered me that. It's just that... It sucks, that's all. It sucks.
Barney: I knew I was a bad boyfriend, but I had no idea that I was worse in the former boyfriend. I'm sorry. How can I be forgiven?
Robin: Nothing, Barney. You've already proven I'm not important to you.
Barney: Stop saying that, I'm serious. Ask me what you want.
Robin: Do not sleep with Anita.
Barney: I promise.
Robin: Of course you'll sleep with her. Why is this super hot date if not?
Barney: It will not go super hot date. It is you who will go.
Ted (2030): Your uncle Barney gave Robin finally the super hot date she deserved. With a guy she deserved. Of course, there was a detail to be resolved.
Anita Barney comes to see who is at the bar with Ted, Marshall and Lily.
Barney: I wanted to call you.
Anita: I violate any rules in my coming here, but... no one asks me rabbit like that, so we go out or not?
Barney: I'm sorry, I... I made a promise to a friend. I must say no.
Anita: I see. You try the trick of "no." You really think it'll work?Because it will not work. Okay, I'll make a deal. Maybe... you might get lucky after the 12th hot date.
Barney: No.
Anita: The 11th?
Barney: No.
Anita: The fifth?
Barney: No.
Anita: Tonight?
Barney: No.
Anita: This evening before dinner?
Barney: No.
Anita, Ted: And you? You're interested.
Ted: Yeah.
Anita: Go.
Barney: I'm sorry. The answer is no.
Anita: Well. Because my answer is no, too. This is my last offer.
She slides in the hollow of the ear. He gets up and leaves. He descends the stairs and jump over a fence and landed in the water.
Barney: Here is my story.
Police: This is a $ 500 fine for having jumped into the river. I hope it was worth it.
A fireworks bursting in the sky while Barney is on the bench wrapped in a blanket.
Barney: I hope so too.
Don and Robin approach and embrace.
The band is at the apartment.
Ted: This is an old story of married women.
Marshall: How was this date?
Robin: Good enough. Pretty... pretty good.
Ted: How so?
Robin: Come on, guys. It was good. It was nice. We spent a pleasant evening. Let... Let him that. Even if...
She began singing followed by Marshall, Lily and Ted when Barney sits on the couch and watch Robin.
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x17 - Of Course"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Children, your aunt Lily has always been among those who like their birthday. Really.
The alarm goes off at 12: 00 and Lily wakes.
Lily: It's my birthday!
Ted (2030): It's a good thing she married Marshall.
The clock shows 9: 00.
Lily: It's still my birthday!
Ted (2030): Because he loves to prepare on birthdays.
Marshall enters the room carrying a tray.
Marshall: Feliz cumpleanos, baby. The theme of this breakfast in bed is... "Spanish Interlude." (A musician enters the room and opens the curtain Marshall) How have we landed on the lyric rolling hills of northern Spain? Baby, it will be huge tonight. We five, dinner well dressed, and Ted brings your cognac cheesecake Pumpkin at Edgar. I'll go shopping super secret birthday. And I took him because I do not like the way he looks at you.
Robin, Barney, Marshall and Lily's birthday party at the latter's apartment Marshall and Lily.
Lily: A new camera! Thank you, Marshall. I love it!
Marshall: Small bonus, I took pictures of me naked before packing. With a node.
Lily: There was not a knot.
Marshall: On the other device.
Lily: Thank you. I will make great photos of our group with that.
Ted (2030): Children, have you seen the photo album of Lily... Bound in leather, acid-free paper, adorable handwritten captions. And most importantly, the group photo. Nice picture, eh? But what you do not see are the 10 seconds before this photo was taken.
Flashback
10 seconds before the photo...
Lily: I want the perfect group sh*t. Marshall put yourself between Robin and Barney.
Barney: Why?
Lily: You know... Light, color, balance, aperture...
Robin: You say stuff pictures. Expect. You do not want it to look like a couple, right?
Lily: Of course. You will not last! The photo is forever.
Barney: How dare you?
Robin: It's so rude.
Barney: It's true.
Robin: Totally. It is a tightrope, but still.
Ted (2030): We hated group photos of Lily.
End flashback
Lily: Okay, I am perhaps a little bossy, but I want to remember it all. Like tonight. I imagine no better birthday being with my 4 best friends only. (A knock at the door) And Ted's here.
Lily opens the door.
Ted: Happy Birthday! Here is Amanda.
Lily: And Amanda...
GENERIC
Marshall: Ted, you had to bring a cheesecake, but you've brought two shopping bags and a girl who knows not. My name is Marshall. Welcome. Ted talks.
Ted: Amanda will make a cake for Lily. She is head. We met at the restaurant last week when I returned my soup. Fortunately, she has such beautiful hair it not bother me a bit to eat.
Amanda: I've nicknamed "Lose hair 'at work.
Lily: I'm really happy you make me my cake.
Marshall: In honor of the 32nd anniversary of Lily, I expected a lot of great games, beginning with... "Lil-ial Pursuit." Who has the number 1?
Amanda: Me.
Marshall: Sure. Okay, this is Amanda begins. You have 32 seconds to answer a ton of questions. And... Here we go. Lily's favorite color?
Amanda: Well, she wears pink, so I'll say pink.
Marshall: It's Robin.
Amanda: Her favorite color is... leg.
Marshall: I think Ted whispered the word "yellow". It is equally untrue. (Later...) This game is called... raising the cost of perfection.
Lily: Pretty.
Marshall: Thank you. You wrote all that you love our queen of the day. And Lilypad, you must guess who wrote what. "From his friends to his students, Lily that everyone in his life..."
Ted: Lily is a teacher. Hence the "students".
Marshall: "... feel loved. She makes the best cookies oatmeal raisin-, The Goonies knows by heart... "
Ted: Lily saw The Goonies just after his parents separated. After that, she had real problems of trust.
Marshall: "And that's the strongest person I know. I can not imagine my life without her. I love you, Lily.
Lily Robin.
Robin: Of course it was me.
Lily: Come here.
Marshall: Too cute. Lily, guess who wrote it. "You look really nice."
Lily: I would say Amanda.
Barney: No, it was me. And I meant it.
Amanda: Well, I'm going to finish the cake.
Lily: Tell me if you need help. (Amanda from the kitchen) Quick, group photo! All front of the fireplace.
They gather by the fireplace.
Ted: Wait, I'll find Amanda.
Lily: No problem, it is occupied. The bother, come on.
Ted: Wait... You do not want Amanda on the picture, right?
Lily: Well, you know, auto focus, speed of obstruction, zoom...
Ted: Lily, what's the matter?
Marshall: Who wants a party hat? I'm a bird! All do the bird!
Ted: Tell me the truth.
Lily: Of course not. I let another of your bitches spoil my memories.
Ted: Lily, what are you talking?
Lily: Ted, you always do that. You bring a girl knows that not all our evenings with us.
Ted: That's not true.
Lily: Really? So, let us walk bitch Street Shuffle.
Lily pulls out a photo album.
Marshall: Or we could continue the descent on the Avenue Best Birthday.
Barney: I Can Vote? Street bitch! Street bitch!
Marshall: My friends, I made a song for tonight. Follow me, the chorus is this: Merry, Merry Lily-anniversary...
Lily: Christmas morning, there was 4. Our first Christmas together, just us five. Here's another nice little game. It's called, Appoints This Bitch.
Ted: That's Pap Pa......
Lily: False. You think the Santa Claus, because it was Christmas.
Robin: Funny. Every year my mother took tea with her friend Easter Bell. Not so funny.
Ted: I remember, this is Sarah.
Lily: Almost. This is Leilani. She had to come at Christmas because, you said, "Folks, this may be good." And this is not the only "maybe good". Eve 2007, Barney, Lily, Robin, Ted, Marshall and "It's good" Emily. The funeral of Uncle Cecil Robin, Marshall, Lily, Robin, Barney, Ted and... "It proves that you selected the eyes closed" Isabelle. My appendicitis, Robin, Marshall, Barney, Lily, Ted, and it... you've admitted, you just wanted to make. Compliance.
Barney: You remember the yoga teacher that got you into my birthday?
Flashback
The band is at McLaren's.
Barney: Thank you. You believe not just enter. Look! Look! Why not look at you! This is Slash from g*n N'Roses!
Lily: Group Photo!
End flashback
Barney: And we have had. We had a group photo with Slash on my birthday. Great, huh? Eh?
Robin: It was there, we know the end.
Barney: False!
Robin: The funny for this photo. I plottait ass.
Lily: Oh? So do I.
Barney: And me too. He has how many hands?
Ted: Normal if it is good guitarist.
Marshall: Actually, sorry, man. I had you taken to Lily.
Robin: Wait. Look at these pictures. Barney always has the same pose and all these years.
Barney: Yes, at this point, I have never an old head on the photos. Neither ever or always.
Robin: It's gotta be a lousy picture of you.
Barney: Nope, not at all.
Robin: And in elementary school? We all have school pictures ugly.
Barney: Not the Barnacle. I always look awesome mortally. Not like Marshall, who seems to be ingeniously death.
Ted (2030): He was right. Your uncle Marshall is many things well, but for the pictures, it's terrible.
Marshall: They are not all bad. Like... this. Look. I have my eyes open.
Barney: You really put a knot!
Robin: A crisp, Barney?
Barney: Of course.
Robin takes a picture of Barney eating a chip.
Robin: I! A photo ugly.
Barney: You sure?
Robin: No! Wait! You ate a potato chips! Where's the chips?
Barney: It's physically impossible for me to take a picture ugly. I know why. Ask God.
Ted: Lily, sorry for Amanda. But I'll say. You make your spoiled rotten. You in all your statements because you think I messed up two three photos?
Lily: These girls have ruined so many things, or you forget Paris.
Robin: This is what happened in Paris?
Lily: In the first year of college, I studied in Paris, and I had not seen Marshall since 2 months.
Marshall: 2 months. And I just started making love. I was not ready to stop for 2 months.
Lily: And Marshall came to me to spring break. And at the last minute, Ted decided to go with the girl he had just to get back, Karen.
Flashback
Marshall, Ted and Karen are in an airplane.
Ted: I'm so excited you're here.
Karen: I'm so excited to go to Paris.
Marshall: I'm so excited to remake love.
Ted and Karen kiss.
Lily: But just before takeoff...
Karen: Wait, I must tell you something.
Ted: Really? Because I think I want to tell you the same thing.
Karen: Do your thing is, I slept with the philosophy teacher last night? Because I do.
Lily: And so began the longest 7:30 of Marshall's life. When I went to look for...
Karen: Ted broke. I have to sleep in your room this week.Marshall will go with Ted.
End flashback
Marshall: 2 months! My balls were blue! Blue!
Lily: It will not surprise you, but the rest of the trip was horrible. I did a picture of a romantic kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower, I actually had. It was just between Karen and Francis, our server yesterday.
Robin: It's terrible. My laptop is just... fell. You me collected?(Barney looks to pick it up) Mouse, f*ck! I!
Barney: You sure?
Robin: Wait. How you do that?! You were not even standing!
Barney: The camera loves me. Much more than that. The device I want. The unit wants to put on underwear, put an Al Green CD, dim the lights and do all the work while I was still lying with closed eyes.
Ted: I feel sorry for Paris and group photos ruined, but... when you're single, you must hope that every girl is good. I mean, Erin.Irene.
Lily: Emily. Isabelle.
Ted: And Sarah.
Lily: Leilani! What's your problem?
Ted: At the time, I thought each of these girls could be good, but I have to keep hoping. I have no choice.
Lily: Here is another. More random bitch to my birthday! Hey, baby!
Amanda: You have a cake rack?
Lily: The drawer under the oven. I can not wait. You're the best!
Robin: I'm sorry, Ted. I agree with Lily on this. This kind of evening is hard for someone new. That's why I have not brought Don. When I was in Japan, this guy, hot date for our third, took me to his brother's wedding. Now I, a complete stranger, am on the photo album of the marriage of a Japanese couple forever.
Flashback
A Japanese couple looking at a photo album.
Woman: Names that bitch!
Man: Uh...
End flashback
Lily: You should listen to Robin.
Ted: Because Robin is your best friend.
Lily: Right.
Ted: Your best friend on Earth.
Lily: Absolutely.
Marshall: Attention Lily. It's a trap.
Ted: Before being your best friend, what was she? That's it. One of my random sluts.
Lily: Yes, okay, Ted. This bitch has proved some nice, but except for bitches, not the rule of bitches.
Robin: I'm starting to cry.
Marshall: It puts an end to all this conversation about the bitches.Back to the birthday song! Barney, your part is this: "She's cute She's cute."
Ted: I bring these girls to party because you are important. You are my family.
Marshall Robin. Your part is this: "And nice and sweet and so nice! "
Lily: Yes. We are a family. So why these parties can not they be us?
Flashback
Marshall, Robin, Lily and Barney are at the restaurant when Ted comes accompanied by a woman.
Lily: Like the time we celebrated the success of Marshall to the bar.
Ted: Here's the disgusting smelly hippie with whom I go out.
End flashback
Ted: I did not say that!
Lily: It's as if you had done.
Flashback
Ted: Here's Framboise.
Marshall: You must order more food?
Ted: No. Raspberry does not eat.
Raspberry: I am a vegetarian.
Lily: Let us raise our glasses. During the last 3 years, Marshall has worked so hard, and I am so proud of you.
Raspberry: Meat is m*rder! (She throws her drink in hand and cook) m*rder!
End flashback
Ted: I confess. Raspberry was a mistake. But how would I know?
All: It was called Raspberry!
Ted: If this is so important, Amanda is not in the picture. It does not spoil your birthday. Give him a chance.
Marshall: Look. We're all friends again! Now working on the harmonies. Merry, Merry Lily-versary! Merry, Merry Lily-versary!
Amanda: And that's it. I hope you will like.
Lily: "Happy 42nd Birthday, Lori."
Ted (2030): Children, you remember the look "you're d*ad to me" Lily, she has this expression before exploding in a rage?Well, that was not it. But it was that of Marshall.
Marshall: "42nd"? Does the f*cking b*mb appeared to have 42 years? Or worse, she has a mind to call Lori?!
Lily: No, Marshall, it does not matter.
Marshall: If Lily is serious. Get out of this stranger in my house!
Amanda: I'm sorry.
Marshall: Out!
Amanda poses the cake and leaves. Ted was also released.
Ted returns to the apartment Marshall and Lily.
Ted: Amanda refuses to return. She thinks you hate it. Marshall, you have to go apologize.
Marshall: You've ruined Lily's birthday and you want me to apologize? At worst, you should apologize.
Ted: What are you talking?
Marshall: You bring her girls at our parties, and it lets them believe that things are serious. After the largues when you, you know to whom they turn? Me. I was the cleaning crew of your girlfriends for years.
Flashback
February 2005...
Marshall: I had just returned from a marathon to study the law library. Hi, Natalie, where is Ted?
Natalie: We broke... again! You sit with me a little while? Just sit down?
Marshall: You know what? I have not slept for 36 hours. Just a few minutes.
End flashback
Marshall: And at first I was totally sympathetic. But damn, Ted, over the years, you made me cynical.
Flashback
February 2005...
Marshall: I'll get us something to eat, and we'll talk about it until it is clear.
In 2007...
Woman: I just thought we had something special, you know?
Marshall: Me too. Yeah. But you know, life goes darling.
In 2009...
Woman: I know if I'll get over it.
Marshall: Shut up.
End flashback
Ted: Sorry that my search for love has you so upset. You know, your precious photos might be better if I was not over.
Barney: They would be if Marshall was not on it.
Marshall: Cheap sh*t. Low blow.
Ted: You know what these pictures? A big lie. We ask. They are retouched. They are what you want but not the reality.
Lily: This is not true!
Ted: Oh? Look at that one. Halloween, there is 2 years old. You had not played because you wanted to disguise yourself as a penguin.
Marshall: It's not that she would not, but she said that penguins are zero. Penguins.
Ted: And yet you're there, smiling as if nothing was wrong, completely wrong. Robin's birthday, there is 3 years old. Robin had a cold, and you made him remove his pajamas for the photo.
Robin: And you got me pinched cheeks very hard for them to be pink.
Lily: Yeah, but you were beautiful.
Robin: And then we all ate chocolate cake in my bed.
Marshall: Actually, it was a good evening.
Lily: It's true.
Ted: Yeah, that was good.
Lily: Look at that one. This is the first picture of us three.
Marshall: It's true.
Ted: Do you remember what happened?
Flashback
Ted and Marshall are caught in photo.
Man: Well, are you ready?
Ted: Wait, we take what poses? The two cops friends?
Marshall: No! Why not sitcom of the 80s with two roommates who never agree?
Man: Cool. Fine. One, two...
Lily enters the room.
Lily: Hi, Marshall. Ready for the film?
Marshall: Yeah. Just one second per cons. We are writing history. We'll take our first picture of roommate.
Ted: And if you came to ask us?
Lily: Really?
Ted: Yeah.
Marshall: What are you doing, Ted? And if one breaks?
Ted: And if you break it?
Marshall: Come.
End flashback
Lily: I had totally forgotten that. Marshall and I were together for only a few weeks and you invited me in the photo.
Ted: I liked you.
Lily: We must bring back Amanda.
Ted: Really?
Lily: You believed in me. It's my turn to believe in you. As far as I know, this is good.
Ted: Thank you, Lil.
Robin: I think Lori's age made him very wise.
Barney: It is said that it was after 40 years we know each other really.
Ted (2030): So your aunt Lily called Amanda.
Lily: Come on everybody, come here. Let's make a memory.
Ted: Marshall, try this. Keep your eyes closed until the last second and when I say, open them.
Robin: It's a hole in your jacket?
Barney: What? Where?
Ted: Now, Marshall!
The picture goes off.
Robin: Shit!
A year later...
Lily: Names that bitch.
Ted: Ann has...? Anna?
Lily: No, it was my birthday.
Marshall: Your brain is too predictable associations.
Lily: Come on, everybody. Come here. Let's make a memory.
Barney: Is there anything in the sauce that you've made? It tastes like... coriander. And... you know that cilantro makes me...
The photo is triggered when Barney sneezes.
Robin: Yes!
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x18 - Say Cheese"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Kids, you have to wonder if everything I am telling you is true. And this is normal. After all, the limit is fine between a good story and a lie.
Flashback
Barney talks to a woman's McLaren.
Ted (2030): No one played as well as Barney with this limit. A breeze for him.
Barney: I love traveling.
Woman: Really? What is the best place that you hast visited?
Barney: Hawaii is fun. A buddy of mine lives in Seattle. It's really not bad. But the best place? I must say, the moon.
End flashback
Barney, Marshall, Lily and Ted are in the apartment of the latter.
Ted: You're not convinced a girl that you were the first to walk on the moon? It was seven years before you were born.
Barney: Ted, a blonde, it's easy.
Flashback
Barney: Our ship is passed through a hole spatiotemporal or gamma rays or something. I started to rejuvenate, blah, blah, blah. So you bump into one store yoghurt. It must be insane.
End flashback
Marshall: But I worked at a yogurt shop in high school. And indeed, it was... insane.
Barney: So, after 20 minutes, the eagle has landed. We fuse into space. Houston, we have a complainer. Other double entender related to space.
Ted: Why are you lying all the time?
Barney: I do not lie! We made love, I have pictures!
Robin enters and sighs.
Robin: I hate my job.
Marshall: What? You had not interviewed the mayor?
Robin: Mayor McWouaf. It teaches the children clean, dressed dog. Finally, it is supposed to.
Flashback
Robin McWouaf interview the mayor.
Mayor: I do not want to talk about Mayor McWouaf. I mean those amazing shoes at Bon Pied-A-Ti! Watch as they absorb the shock!
Robin: The table! There was a table... Back. (The cameraman has fun throwing papers) were returned.
Mike: Sorry Robin. I was bored.
Robin: Yeah, I understand.
End flashback
Robin: A single interview proper, it would be nice for a change.
Ted: Okay, I look at my calendar, see when I'm available. But I want a list of questions in advance and nothing about my private life.
Robin: Ted, you've nabbed seven peanuts in a row. Impressive but not enough to be published.
Marshall: You have nabbed seven in a row?
Ted: seven in a row. But I speak not of it. I talk about my selection for the construction of a scale model of the Empire State Building for the greater recovery of the New York skyline in the world.
Robin: That's the thing with which you played the other day?
Ted: I was playing it. I was working.
Flashback
Ted plays with characters.
Ted: "It's you. "" It's me. "" I saw you in the street. "" Are you Annie? "" Yes. "
Robin, out of his room: Ted? You redo the end of Sleepless in Seattle with Polly Pocket?
Ted: How long are you here?
Robin: Ten seconds.
Ted: Yeah, just the end.
End flashback
Marshall: Again?
A knock on the door.
Lily: This is the pizza. Baby, you got the cash?
She gets up to open the door.
Marshall: You know, in fact, it was not me who should pay.Because I do not really like pizza.
Lily: What!?
Ted: It was literally across the country a hundred times for a pizza.
Lily: I even caught a pizza in the shower.
Delivery Man: Our coupons are your effigy.
Barney: I'm not saying he loves pizza, but the last time he went, the doctor said, "stop eating pizza. "Marshall:" Why? "Doc:" To you examine. " But seriously, we laugh because we love you.
Marshall: Okay, so I have no money on me... it's because... I was as*ault.
Lily: You...?
Ted: What?
Marshall: You can pay Arthur? I have the slab! How is your father, anyway?
Arthur: Better.
Marshall: That's good.
GENERIC
Lily: Did you get mugged?
Barney: Who? He wore a black hat and beard of the day? He said "Hands up! "?
Marshall: Yes, because I was as*ault in 1947 at the corner of Abbott and Costello. But no. I cut through Central Park back from work.
Flashback
Man: Watch out. Come any closer.
Marshall: It's good. It's good.
Marshall gives him his wallet and the man left.
End flashback
Marshall: It was downright terrifying.
Barney: It was downright terrifying.
Marshall: What are you doing?
Barney: I repeat. I will say that it happened to me to lie on compassion.
Marshall: It will not work. If?
Lily: Not a bit.
Marshall: I authorize you to do.
Lily: I do not think there's a g*n to my Marshmallow. Now, I tremble. I think I will not sleep all night.
Robin: Oh, sweetie. I have a trick to help you sleep. (She pulls out his g*n) Glue this under your pillow. You'll sleep like a f*cking baby.
Ted: Robin puts it.
Robin: It's going to hurt someone. There is the... security.
Marshall: Okay, you know what? We'll all calm down. We do not need a g*n. I just want to forget what happened and continue to live my life.
Barney: I just want to forget what happened and continue to live my life. It's great. But I think I'll add a tear.
Marshall: Listen baby, I know it's scary, but look at me. I'm fine.You can put this behind us?
Barney: It's gold! But I'd rather say 'put me behind you. "
Lily: Baby, do not worry for me, I mean, yes, I'm a little scared, but I am New York. I will not let me change it.
Lily and Robin are at the sh**ting range.
Lily: I changed! I like the w*apon now. Charger.
Robin: Maybe there should be a pause..
Lily: I said, "shipper".
Robin gives the charger.
Marshall, Lily, Barney and Ted are at McLaren's.
Marshall: You wanna buy a g*n?
Lily: No one who scares. A tiny Beretta pink that goes with these cute sandals I just bought. In fact, our new credit card works.
Marshall: You do not need a w*apon. All studies in the world come together to say that a home is safer with no w*apon, especially ours. You know how I ever hurt you unintentionally.
Flashback
Marshall opens a bottle...
Marshall: Pretty easy, huh? (And send the cork in the eye of Lily. Marshall and Lily sleeping when Marshall is a slap to Lily. Marshall before the fridge and opens the door when Lily arrives. They dance loose Lily and Marshall) Dispatch, baby. The party will begin. (Lily is dressed up and scared a k*ller Marshall puts his fist) You had to disguise yourself in sexy chat!
Lily: I have changed my mind.
End flashback
Marshall: Now, you want to add a w*apon in this equation?
Lily: I know, you're right, but every time I close my eyes, I see this guy pointing a g*n at you. And... you're my world, Marshall. If something happened to you one day, I would...
Marshall: I know. I know. Listen, I must confess something. This att*ck did not go exactly as I said.
Barney: So it was indeed a black bonnet. J'l'avais said!
Marshall: He wore no black cap. It is wearing nothing at all.
Ted: Wait, so...
Flashback
Man: Watch out. Come any closer.
Marshall: It's good. It's good.
Marshall gives him his wallet.
End flashback
Lily: He as*ault you naked?
Barney: I do not ask where he kept his w*apon.
Ted: We're sure it was a w*apon?
Marshall: No, guys. I came home from work on foot. Through Central Park, and I stopped at the zoo.
Flashback
Marshall looks at the monkeys.
Man: Watch out. Come any closer.
Marshall: It's good. It's good.
The man from the monkey glue and Marshall against the railing of his cage.
End flashback
Barney: You're telling us...
Ted: What you got mugged...
Marshall: For a monkey. I got mugged by a monkey.
Ted, Barney and Lily laugh at Marshall.
Barney: You've been mugged by a monkey?
Marshall: Yeah, I got mugged by a monkey. I was embarrassed, so I invented another story. The important, Lily, you do not need a w*apon.
Lily: Forget the w*apon. It is on that now.
Ted: The monkeys att*ck people? It really is a jungle out.
Lily: This monkey has our address. And if it belonged to a g*ng?I hope he will climb to see us.
Barney: Why did not you asked the guard to recover your wallet?
Marshall: Because I saw that the monkey did and I wanted more after.
Robin, who happens: Hi, friends. What's new?
Barney: New information has been discovered on the att*ck on Marshall.
Robin: Really? They caught him?
Ted: He is behind bars.
Robin: So, where did they find?
Lily: I think naked in a tree, throwing his feces.
Robin: I've seen. That's why I take the taxi.
Ted: You know how they caught him, huh?
Marshall: They tracked.
Ted: They tracked!
Robin: What's happening?
Marshall: Okay. That's what happened.
Barney: No, I said. This is my story. You see, the young Marshall was at the zoo, eating a banana...
Marshall is sitting on a bench and eat a banana.
Marshall: I ate no banana! If you tell it, do it well.
Barney: You're right. The banana was on the floor.
A banana is on the ground and Marshall try to pick it up but can not do it.
Marshall: Was not... Was not banana banana.
Barney: Marshall, I'm sorry, really. Here's what happened.
The monkey a banana tip in the back of Marshall.
Marshall: Do not sh**t. There was no banana!
Robin: Come on, Barney. I know that Marshall has not been mugged by a monkey.
Marshall: This part is right. It is not unusual, right? Thailand, China, Costa Rica, people are att*cked by monkeys all the time.They are gatherers. Because of their dynamic inter-social, have a predisposition to flight, gives them a genetic advantage.
Lily: You've been mugged by a monkey!
Ted: It might be curious. You were wearing a yellow hat?
Robin Marshall, seriously, it's a great story. I can interview you on my show?
Ted: What? Him in your program? And my model?
Robin: No one wants to see a guy who comes to play with dolls.
Ted: First, it was not what you think. Secondly, you got a guy playing with dolls.
Flashback
Robin interview a man with dolls.
Robin: So, your dolls are favorites of Rhinebeck prices next month.
Men: Only if they are holding up well. Last year, I found one of her frolicking with GI Joe. This is not funny. What were you thinking? And if you were pregnant?
End flashback
Ted: And you invited back for a second interview.
Robin: Because the FBI wanted to be occupied while they searched his home. Come on, Marshall. I need history. It has everything. Crime, monkeys, no stupid model of the Empire State Building, which takes me all my living room and smelly glue everywhere. Go. Do this for me... As a friend?
Lily: It would be nice to see you on TV.
Marshall: Can you promise me to present it so that I am not ridiculous to myself as*ault by a monkey?
Lily: You've been mugged by a monkey.
Barney entered the apartment while Ted is sitting on the couch.
Barney: I've just been mugged.
Ted: What?
Barney: That's what I said to the girl at the bar just now...
Flashback
Barney: It was downright terrifying. I would just like to forget what happened and continue to live my life.
Woman: My poor darling.
Woman 2: Neil? Neil!
Barney: Well, my name is not Neil. This is Bar...
He turns to face the first woman with whom he discussed that and he said he was Neil Armstrong.
Woman: Why you call it Neil?
Woman 2: Because it's his name. This is Neil Armstrong.
Woman: The cyclist?
Woman 2: You're not supposed to be on a space mission?
Woman: You've just mugged?
Barney: Well, I can do. You see, I was on the road to the launch pad when I got mugged. And the aggressor... took my keys from the shuttle. Successful. Who wants to do something to 3?
Woman 2: Me.
Woman: Me too.
End flashback
Barney: And it was the best thing in my life 3.
Ted: Funny, you look like you just got two vodka and tonic in the face.
Marshall: You're the lemon in your hair.
Barney: The story is better with my end... It's... Okay? So we were there, zero gravity. They wore helmets that astronauts...
Robin, entering: Marshall, you never will believe. I spoke to my producer monkey aggressor and he loves!
Marshall: Really? Cool.
Robin: Who knows someone who has been mugged by a monkey?
Marshall: Nobody except the good people of Thailand, China, Costa Rica and many other countries where the crime committed by the monkeys is a common nuisance.
Robin: The best is that it is possible that the story goes on national TV. Guys, this story of the monkey attacker can make me famous.
Marshall: Me too. Guys, it will not. I can not do that.
Ted: It's a little embarrassing. So what?
Marshall: That's not it. Guys... I'm not as*ault by a monkey.
Ted, Barney and Marshall are at the bar with the guys.
Ted: So, you've not been mugged by a monkey?
Marshall: Not at all.
Barney: So what you're saying is that you got the monkey trapped so you give him your wallet?
Marshall: No, that's not it.
Ted: So you got the monkey att*cked?
Marshall: Guys, there was no monkey! He was a man with a g*n.
Barney: You sure it was not a monkey on the shoulders of another monkey, wearing a trench coat?
Ted: That would be the right size.
Marshall: I just invented this story that Lily does not buy a w*apon. In truth, it never happened.
Barney: I can not believe.
Marshall: What?
Barney: You heard me. You got att*cked by a monkey. You want to go to the issuance of Robin because you're afraid of being ridiculous.
Marshall: I would not?
Barney: If serious, this is too funny.
Marshall: Well, this has never happened. And I can lie to you because you are my best friends.
Barney: I, yes, but still.
Marshall: But I can not lie on national TV.
Barney: You know a long time. He told the truth?
Marshall: Ted, do not do that...
Ted: I could not say. It smells good. But I could not say.
Barney: I still say that it happened.
Ted: Maybe. But, Marshall, if you have not been att*cked by a monkey, Robin must not speak on his show. It would be more credible.
Barney: Journalists lie constantly. Sorry, but I believe that Jack Palance is d*ad when I see the body.
Ted: It will perhaps shock you Barney, but people do not like lying to them.
Barney: False! They like to discover that they lied. "Because a lie is just a great story that has mixed with the truth." Barney Stinson. Example, that Sarah gave me this!
Marshall: You mean what you done to him.
Barney: No, I mean what she did. In truth, I fear that history has not gone exactly as I said.
Flashback
Barney: Passed. Who wants to do something to 3? (The two women throw their glasses to him the figure) Lisa, wait.
Lisa: Yes, Neil?
Barney: It's you Lisa? Sarah, wait. Listen. I'm Neil Armstrong.Sorry I lied.
Lisa: Well, I think I have not been completely honest with you either. I said I was 28, but in truth, I'm 31.
End flashback
Barney: 31 years! I was happy, very happy, thinking that because I put a 28 year old daughter who has taken too much sun. People want to lie. Marshall, they need the lie, that's why, in my case, you've been mugged by a monkey. As far as I'm done with this plan 3. I am the best in the world!
Lily, what happens: This is the belt of Planar 3?
Barney: You know it.
Lily: Well done! I have too much sleep last night. Can you imagine that I almost buy a g*n? I'm glad you as*ault by a monkey.
Marshall: You got me. I was just nervous. I got mugged by a monkey.
Barney: Yeah! I knew it.
Ted: Now I think you're not really mugged by a monkey.
Barney: Come on, Ted. Why he would invent something like that?
Marshall: Come on, Ted.
Ted: Come here. Seriously, what's your flavor? It's intoxicating.
Ted (2030): Late the next night, we went on board the issue of Robin.
Robin: Do not be nervous. We will sit down... It's that thing, whore?
Ted: I know. Looks like something covered by a sheet. If you want to discover, you will have to do a story on it.
Robin: It's you who will be covered by the sheet if you leave your model not stupid.
Barney: Dude, what do you do?
Ted: I do not think Marshall will lie on TV. And when it gives up, I wanna be there for Robin, with a story. Or rather, 102 stories, because it is the height of a building in New York.
Barney: Now I want a w*apon.
Marshall: The monkey is there.
Robin: Surprise. We thought it would help to bring you to confront your abuser.
Man: Because of this incident, we will send Captain Bobo in a nature reserve.
Lily: I bet he will love it.
Man: No, ma'am. You see, we will separate him from his wife, Milly. They have been together long.
Marshall: The name of his companion is Milly?
Ted (2030): And then the interview began.
Robin: In your own words, describe what happened.
Marshall: Well... I'd love to tell you what happened, Robin. But... I really want to know what's under that sheet.
Robin: We talk about that. We speak your aggression.
Marshall: People are att*cked every day in New York, Robin, do we often see what's under that sheet? You can sh**t it?
Robin: We come back.
Mike: It's good.
Robin: What are you doing?
Marshall: I have not really been att*cked by a monkey. I invented it for that Lily buys a g*n.
Lily: You have not been att*cked by a monkey?
Marshall: What are you talking, baby? Of course I do.
Robin: Great, tell it to America. Five minutes.
Marshall: Not five minutes. I have not been att*cked by a monkey.
Lily: It's good. I buy a g*n.
Marshall: No. I got mugged.
Man: So Bobo goes.
Marshall: No! I have not been mugged!
Barney: You know if it was att*cked?
Ted: I have no idea.
Man: Did you or not, was att*cked by Captain Bobo?
Lily: Tell us just what happened.
Robin: Yes, tell us the truth.
Ted (2030): And that's when Marshall realized that there was one thing to say.
Marshall: Okay! That is the truth. I go back... back to bed.
He gets up and leaves.
Ted (2030): And that was it. We never knew what really happened to the portfolio of Marshall. But we know that. Aunt Lily has never had a w*apon, Robin's credibility remained intact, and Bobo and Milly lived together at the Central Park Zoo.
Robin: Shit. Okay, put a microphone.
Ted: Micro and makeup in place. The socks of the arch duchess.
Barney: It was not very satisfactory. When I tell that he was att*cked by a monkey. And I keep the stuff of banana. It was good.
Ted: Barney, stop lying. You can not put another end because the conclusion does not satisfy you.
Barney: Really? Well, believe me, Mosby. One day you shall tell this story and you'll see things my way.
Ted: I doubt it.
Ted (2030): The children you will not believe what happened.
Mike: The monkey escaped!
Male 2: It has one of my dolls!
Man: Bobo, just there, Bobo.
Mike: He climbs the building!
Man: Bobo, come here.
Mike: I'll get it.
He throws paper airplanes.
Ted: It's really happening?
Barney: Of course, Ted.
Ted (2030): True story.
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x19 - Zoo or False"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Children, everybody has at least a moment to take a huge decision, a crazy decision that will change their lives forever. This is a story of mine.
Ted is with his mother in the apartment.
Ted (2030): It all started with a visit to my mother and her boyfriend for a long time, Clint, who always said things in the style...
Clint: Ted, your mother is really a woman... really erotic boy.
Ted: Please do not.
Clint: As a painter, slash, composer, slash, voluntary combatant with fear. I find it incredibly... sensual. But you have sex own memories of your mother, right?
Ted: Please, stop.
Clint: Exciting her nipple, receiving her milk. You follow me?Fine.
Clint rises.
Mother: I can not believe I'm with this man.
Ted: Mom, mom, it's good. You're not obliged to ask you with him. There's full of guys...
Mother: It's so cool! And he chooses!
Ted: Yeah! Finally, I... I'm glad you're happy.
Clint: Oh, well... because that was an ad to make you... Son.
GENERIC
The band is at McLaren's with the mother of Ted and Clint.
Ted (2030): Yes, my mother was lapping. I married for the second time before I get married once. I was so happy for them.f*cking happy. While weddings can be magical. As far as I know, I'll end up dancing with my future wife in this marriage.
Ted dancing with a woman of a certain age.
Woman: And if you do not boil the jars of jam, it will be a haven for bacteria.
Ted (2030): It was not her.
Lily: Oh, congratulations!
Marshall: We're so happy for you!
Mother: I feel like my 19 years. It is as if the past 35 years had never happened.
Ted: I love to listen to you, Mom.
Clint: Son, to show you that your mother and I will always be there for you, I want you to have this beautiful picture I have painted.
Ted (2030): Children, there was no guitar.
Clint: I'm sorry, Ted.
Robin: Best...
Marshall:... marriage...
Lily:... never...
Barney:... seen.
Clint: Hello everyone. Mahallow to be there with us. Throughout my life, well, this life. I waited a muse as Virginia. Girl... this is your song.
He plays guitar and sings.
Ted: Oh my God.
Ted (2030): Children, I swear, I remember the 12 minutes following. So I have no idea of the end of the song.
Clint, singing: And Mahatma Gandhi. And pancakes. Well all together! And the dragon. And you.
Barney: Guys, guys! Guess what Robin has done.
Flashback
20 seconds ago...
Barney: You're currently whining?
Robin: I know it's stupid, but... And the dragon. They are happy, you know?
Barney: Not as much as me, Robin. Guys, guys! Guess what Robin has done.
End flashback
Barney: And then I just tell you guys what Robin has done, but you were there for. I must tell you the rest of the wedding. Aunt Meredith!
Ted (2030): Children, I can not exaggerate how horrible it is to be a single guy in his mother's second marriage.
Man: So, Ted, when you get married?
Male 2: So, Ted, when you get married?
Woman: You marry when?
Woman 2: You marry when?
Older woman: You marry when?
Barney: Robin whining during the song Clint. Oh, I've already said. The super good sister of Ted, Heather!
Ted: I gotta go.
Marshall: Wait, Ted. And your speech?
Ted: Inventing an emergency or anything. I... I... I'll get it.
Marshall: Ted, Ted, what are you doing? It is the marriage of your mother!
Ted leaves the room.
Barney: Uncle Larry, sky gods. Niagara Falls. It is empty.
Ted (2030): And my friends I have not seen during the next 72 hours.
Robin, Marshall, Lily and Barney are at the bar.
Lily: Seriously, Ted is fine? I mean, I know that the weekend was hard, but hey... it's weird radio silence.
Robin: I know. His mother called such five times to ask where he was.
Barney: Sorry Robin. They are all out of pretzels. And I know how you're emotional. (He gives her a stack of paper towels) Shh. Leave it alone.
Robin: Okay! Okay, I... I cried during the song Clint.
Barney: She cried to the song of Clint.
Ted: Hi, guys.
Lily: Ted, where were you?
Robin: Is that okay?
Ted: Oh, that's fine. I'm in top form. Go. We'll take a look!
Marshall, Lily, Barney and Robin and Ted are in the car leads.
Marshall: Hey, man, you would not possibly let someone who does not like a kind of mania old driving license?
Lily: Yeah, but where we're going to end?
Ted: First, let me tell you what happened on the wedding day.
Flashback
Ted: Watching my mother to marry, I realized how I was late in relation to it on my life. I'm just going to leave here. So I walked into my hotel room and I went on a website where I go sometimes when I have trouble sleeping.
End flashback
All: Oh! Oh! Oh! Ted, come! Oh, my god!
Lily: We do not want to know what you do on the internet when you feel alone.
Ted: I have not spent... It is not that part of the night I was talking about.
Flashback
Ted: I was on my favorite site for real estate auction... Come on, we all did... visit some properties on the site.
End flashback
Ted takes his friends see a house.
Ted: Guys... I just bought the house of my dreams.
Lily: What, are you saying that you bought the house?
Ted: I mean, I put an online auction and I won the next day and I was accepted. I have just finalized all the paperwork.
Barney: And that was fine with Blair Witch, and she tried to haggle on closing costs?
Marshall: Try not to laugh with you that, man.
Ted: So, I thought this piece would be the desktop. You see, a place just for dad. I mean, kids can come if they read a book, but no toy. This is not about to hold my love. It is rather a question of drawing a boundary.
Robin: Whoa.
Lily: Ted, you're barge. It will take years and a small fortune for it to be liveable.
Ted: I'm an architect. I would find a way. And if I start now, this is over so that my wife and I can move.
Barney: Is it in the room with us right now, Ted?
Ted: Okay, okay. I know. I have not found Ms. Mosby yet, but I will get it. Knock on wood.
Marshall: Look out, man.
Lily: Ted, you can not go on like this where you will make your life. It does not work like that.
Robin: Yeah, I agree. This is perhaps the dumbest thing you've ever done.
Barney: The dumbest thing that ON've ever done.
Marshall: Okay, well. Ted let alone a little, right?
Ted: Thank you.
Marshall: Okay? We all did stupid stuff in our lives. For example, I remember once when I put the rocket in the bathroom and tried to put them to dry in the microwave.
Robin: My God, you had to be completely stuffed.
Barney: No, it's too dumb to whether adult. It should be child when it happened.
Robin: Children? Why...
Barney: Put rockets in...
Marshall: Oh, my God, guys! Great new game: "Drunk or child? "I was what? Guess.
Lily: Bourre.
Robin: Bourre.
Barney: Gamin.
Ted: Gamin.
Marshall: Drum roll, please. I was... Drunk!
Barney: You know, I'm glad Robin have guessed. Because it is really sensitive and fragile. I talk about the times she cried during the song Clint. And while I whisper, I hope she hears me.
Robin: It was not me!
Lily: What?
Robin: It's not me who cried during the song Clint.
Flashback
Robin: Are you crying?
Barney: I know it's silly, but... And the dragon. They are happy, you know?
Robin: Not as much as me.
Barney: I shall spin you 500 dollars if it happened to you instead of me.
Robin: $ 500? No worries.
Barney: Thank you, Robin. You saved me an explanation and an excruciating public humiliation. Guys! Guys! Guess what Robin has done.
End flashback
Barney: Wait, you're...
Man going: Hi, I'm here for inspection.
Ted: Oh, great! I began to think that you would not come.
Man: Well I'm here for a while, but I think the bell does not work.
Ted: Hmm.
Man: Oh, hey! The doorbell does not work.
Barney: Wait, wait. You will inspect the place where now?
Ted: Well, yeah.
All: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Marshall: Okay! Well! Well, just remember that we all did stupid stuff in our lives, okay? For example, once I tried to cycle on an extension ladder to a roof of a two-story house. The only question is I was a kid or drunk? Drum roll, please.
Flashback
Marshall is lying on the ground.
Marshall: I was...
Mother: Marshall is d*ad! Marshall died!
End flashback
Marshall: A kid! Mom, are you? You always make a fuss about nothing.
Ted: Hey, check the porch, huh? Go. I will put a gate there.Every Sunday here, it'll be a huge party sausage.
Marshall: Hmm... sausage party?
Ted: Burgers, burgers will be made.
Lily: Ted, stop that. You can not keep this house. This is a huge mistake.
Ted: Lily, listen to me. I had a plan, right? A woman, a house, children, and it turned out that the universe is really shit to what is the wife and children. So what is the thing I can control? The house I bought. It's not a huge mistake.
Marshall: Exactly. Now, I currently drive the car of my brother in the opposite direction on I-94. Now that was a big mistake. I was... a kid.
Robin: Wow, Barney. You've been crying about this guy or what?
Man: Yeah, you have leaky pipes. But on the bright side, the pond in your basement drowned rats the biggest and slowest.The others, well... They go by.
Lily: You see, you should have waited to see all the problems that home.
Ted: You can always have problems with any decision, but you can not let that stop you. First day in college, Marshall knew he wanted to spend his life with you. And if someone was there to contradict his decision?
Flashback
1996... Lily leaves Marshall's room.
Marshall: I know this is our second hot date but, Lily Aldrin, I will marry you.
Man: Not so fast. (He brings Lily in the room) was some form of problem here. These hips are not suitable for a baby Eriksen.And that thing she does not have the right filter. This is a maintenance problem that never leave. And I know you think like this gothic look now. But basically, you've always imagined with a Spanish style? I would recommend you take a look at the options in the lease.
End flashback
Ted: But Marshall took the risk, and that's the best thing that ever happened to you both.
Barney: It was Robin! "What! "Yes, it was Robin who cried at the song Clint! But she said... I know what she said. But that's not what she wanted you to know.
Flashback
10 minutes earlier...
Robin: Look, Barney, I support most all these jokes about me crying. And if I claim to prove it was you who was crying, that you would not be a problem?
Barney: Of course.
Robin: I made a mistake in letting you go, right? Your penis is huge.
End flashback
Lily: Boy, you've almost had us still.
Marshall: You're always a little too far.
Barney: Shit.
Man: Well, good news. I think we all will soon be out of here.
Ted: Really?
Man: Yes, I ended up downstairs and outside. Now, I could continue to look and see what I could do except black mold, bearing walls damaged, frayed electrical son, lead paint, water damage, f*re damage, sun damage, off the cares, the floor is rotting... Oh, look at that, not termites. The chimney cracked, bats, rats, spiders, raccoons, the tramp, the gutter parts, the old fuse box, paint the kitchen which is not bad, but really swear the plates with the plans working. Or I could advise you not to buy this miserable house Guantanamo Bay, and suggest you break all by before a wind bl*wing through all son of bitches from here.
Ted: And if I had already bought the son of a bitch?
Man: I'll see at the top if all goes well.
Marshall: He said he had found a tramp?
Ted: Ok, yes. There are problems. But I see this house as I know it can be. I see a swing on the tree outside. I see a crown on the front door at Christmas. I see a barbecue outside on the patio or I would make Barbec every weekend. I see a life I know I can be here.
The ceiling collapsed.
Barney: I see a complaint.
Man: Found termites.
The man was taken on a stretcher.
Robin: Hey, good, good news is that the inspector has k*lled some cockroaches at the time of impact.
Lily: Oh, stay there. Huge hole on the second floor. I just want to be sure the report is accurate.
Ted: You were right. It was a huge mistake. It's just that... the world is changing, but me... You have a flat 'for years. It's getting serious between Robin and Don. Barney, perhaps this is a new tie?
Barney: Thank you. My God.
Ted: Now my mother remarried. I... I'm exactly the same spot 5 years ago. I'm tired. I'm... I'm ready for life that goes with this house.
Barney: OK, buddy. Sometimes people make bad decisions in life. Like your mother.
Ted: What do you mean?
Barney: Ted, as you know, I've always been really, really addicted to your mother.
Ted: Please, stop.
Barney: Actually, Virginia and I spent a special time in 2006.Before Clint.
Ted: What are you talking about?
Barney: I wanted to be your father!
Ted: What does that mean?
Barney: Do not answer me, young man. That's why I cried at the song of Clint. Because that bastard stole your mother. And now all that remains for me... is the memory of the drop at the airport.
Flashback
In 2006... Barney is in a car with Ted's mother.
Barney: And that's how you got the pin? Incredible. You... So... here we go.
Virginia: Here we go.
Barney: It is a good time. Not much traffic...
Virginia: Oh, I love this song.
Barney: Is it true? Hmm. I can... Listen... Ted's mother. I... I should really...
They kiss.
Virginia: Your penis is huge.
End flashback
Marshall: Again?! One too many!
Barney: Okay, that's good. Well, I invented the last, but everything else, I swear it was true. Come on, man. Your mother is a cougar.
Robin: Wait, I thought you said that a cougar could not be more than 50 years.
Barney: Okay, this is a Mellencamp.
Ted: Guys, I'm in trouble. I mean, the best I can do is to improve the house and sell the property with great losses.
Lily: Listen, Ted... Usually in life, when you make a huge mistake, you must learn to live with. But how many times you got the chance to take a mass break out and all?
Ted takes the mass of the hands of Lily.
Ted: It's silly.
Barney: Your mother and I were at second base.
Ted breaks the wall and each turn he blows a mass in the wall.
Ted: Thank you Lily. It was fantastic.
Lily: A Ted Mosby, owner, friends, and if he can rent it, Slumlord.
Ted: There... there is one last thing I should do.
Ted (2030): And my friends have not seen during the next 72 hours.
Ted goes out and leaves the other in the dilapidated house.
Robin: It was our turn.
Ted went to her mother.
Ted: Hi.
Virginia: Ted, what are you doing here?
Ted: I have not been able to make your speech. I was selfish and I freaked out and I'm so sorry, so... and here... "A hand sign for the Dj? Dee made the sign... "I pass. "Mom, I love you, and I've never seen him so happy with Clint. And Clint, welcome in the family... what you both is what I'd really like to have someday. But in the meantime, health to you both. I love you. "
Virginia: Ted... I'm so there... cooked. I'm 60% sure only that you're there before me. But if you're here, I love you. And you're the best son a mother could have.
Ted (2030): There was no reason why my mother could be with a guy like that. However, as you know children, be with Grandpa Clint was the best decision taken what did your grandmother.(Ted returns to the house he bought) Sometimes our best decisions are those that really have no meaning.
Ted goes out on the patio and found that Marshall had a barbecue.
Ted: Hey.
Marshall: Hey, man.
Ted: How did you know that I would be here today?
Marshall: Robin told me. Happy Housewarming!
Ted: But I told you the last time I saw you I was coming home.
Marshall: I know what you said. I also know my best friend, Ted Mosby. Listen... for all time, all the years I have told you... "Slow! Not go too fast with this girl! "You've not heard a single f*cking time. Your heart is both drunk and child.
Ted: Please stay here with me, man.
Marshall: That's what I do.
Ted: I can... I can give you some ideas I have?
Marshall: Yeah.
Ted (2030): And, children, Marshall was right. I have not given up my dream home because that's the thing with the stupid decisions. It makes them all. But time is funny. And sometimes a little magic. It may take a stupid decision... and turn it into something sensible. For children, as you know, this house... our house is.
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x20 - Home Wreckers"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Children, your Aunt Robin was dating Don until recently, but one evening, coming from nowhere...
Robin is at Don, sitting on the couch, when Don comes with pancakes.
Don: You want to install?
Robin: Well... it's a bit early... but... of course, I might consider... I moved here, let me think.
Don: I mean, you can install yourself beyond me to sit?
Robin: Yeah, that's what I was talking about me too. As I said, let me think. I agree.
Don: But... now that you've mentioned... you wanna install?
Lily, Marshall, Ted, Barney and Robin are at McLaren's.
Lily: You said what?
Robin: I thought about it.
Barney: You think about it? You hardly know him. In addition, the guy is a draw with a job that is worthless.
Robin: We have the same job, Barney.
Barney: And we could not be more proud of you, my angel.
Lily: It still seems fast.
Robin: You're probably right.
Ted: You should live with him.
Robin: Really?
Ted: Yeah, you're happy with him, and i adore you as a roommate, I want you to do what is right for you.
Robin: You wanna throw me out because of something with milk?
Ted: It's super boring.
Flashback
Ted closes the fridge having taken a milk carton, but it is empty.
Ted: Robin?!
He enters the chamber Robin sleeping. He puts the brick in the arms and leaves.
End flashback
Robin: No. I have a system. I put the empty brick in the fridge to remind us to buy milk.
Ted: Why not let the solid brick to remind us not to buy?
Barney: All right. As a former... before you embark on anything, I'm meeting this guy. I think it's pretty weird not having yet met.
Robin: Bluntly. It's as if someone was orchestrating things for this specific purpose. Okay, but you must promise to behave well.
Barney: I promise.
Robin presented to Don Barney.
Barney: I'm doing this contortionist Portuguese, and I swear... it is so flexible, at a time, it was about me and beneath me. A top and a bottom! One and two! Which is empty?
Don: It's good.
Robin: And it was Barney.
Don: It's not bad.
Ted: Actually, I'm not sure.
Don: I think it's great. But I pity any woman with self-esteem so low it would go out with him.
Ted (2030): Robin had never told Don she was out with Barney.
Barney: I appreciate you, Don. Both, we love a good scotch, one likes my stories compelling. And we went out with Robin.
Ted (2030): There, he knew it.
GENERIC
Don: So Barney's your ex and you hang out with him? It makes me uncomfortable.
Robin: The'm not, it's as if we had never been together.
Barney: In short, the arms of the Erasmus student have dropped and there fell of my swing. Seriously, I have not found a girl who can do that from Robin.
Marshall and Lily arrive.
Robin: How was your weekend, or any other topic?
Lily: Atrocious.
Marshall: Terrible.
Flashback
Lily: Twin beds? I can not sleep in separate beds. We should complain.
Marshall: Yeah, you're right, I'll ask for another room.
Lily: Yeah, I'll go with you in just a second......
You h*t the door.
Voice: Maid!
Marshall: You can come back later? It takes a nap.
Voice: It's time to return the keys.
End flashback
Marshall: We spent 18 hours.
Lily: We missed the full board.
Marshall: I lost 5 kg.
Don: It's not weird that Robin is still friends with Barney?
Ted: It's odd that we all still be friends with Barney.
Don: I do not know how to react to the fact that she hangs out with an ex.
Ted (2030): Robin had said nothing either to Don about another of his ex. Me.
Ted: Trainer with an ex okay, two at a pinch. Shit, two is even better. Because strawberry...
Don: But if you had someone and he hung out with an ex...
Ted: Wait, sorry. "It? "
Don: He was friends with his ex.
Ted: Wait, wait. You think I'm gay? Why you would assume that?
Flashback
Ted returned to the apartment where Don and Robin are sitting on the couch and watch TV.
Robin: Your teacher of calligraphy called...
Ted: And?
Robin: Your ink arrived.
Ted: Yes.
Ted, leaving her room: I wanted to ensure that Project Runway is registering. The uniform changed to the Jets?
Ted, an apron: I think there will be no creme brulee tonight. My torch to brown is broken.
Don: When I found out that your roommate is single, I was a little jealous, but now that I know he's gay, so good.
Robin: Ted is not...
Ted: But we still house boudoirs and hot dogs.
Don: Thank you. Ted is not it?
Robin: Ted will not be much there. It follows Cher's tour.
End flashback
Ted: Think again, Cher made some great concerts. But I'm not gay.
Don: Lily, be honest. It's not weird that Robin train with an ex?
Lily: Ted and Robin broke up there for years. This is not a problem.
Don: Ted? And Robin?
Ted: I'm so gay, eh, Donnie?
Bartender: An apple martini for gentleman.
Ted: Thank you.
Don: You're also out with Ted? 4 people you consider your best friends, you've slept with 50% of them.
Robin: It's just my friends.
Don: But they are also your ex. And you live with one of them.I'm sorry. I have to think about all that.
Lily and Marshall are in bed.
Marshall, thinking she is hot. It's like putting my leg on a muffler.
Lily, thinking: Her toenails are daggers.
Marshall, thinking I could do with a sandwich. But we do not eat in bed. Stupid rule! We had ants once...
Lily, thinking: Great! And now he falls asleep. Hello, river of slime.
Marshall, thinking: My knee itches. I'll just scratch a little.
Lily: It should have separate beds.
Marshall: Yes, a mini fridge. And separate beds.
Lily: a deal!
Don joined Barney, Ted and Robin at the bar.
Don: I came to apologize to you. I exaggerated.
Barney: Well, there you should also apologize. We said some pretty hurtful.
Don: Not at all.
Barney: That was after you to be part.
Robin: Sorry for not having told the truth from the beginning.
Don: I acts as a hysteric. It's not offensive, right?
Ted: Still not gay.
Don: Sorry, I meant you're both important to Robin. How about dinner tomorrow night at home.
Ted: It's great.
Barney: I can not wait, buddy.
Robin: Thank you.
Don: You're welcome.
They kiss.
Robin: So long, guys.
Don and Robin out of the bar.
Barney: I have to get Robin.
Ted: Are you kidding?
Barney: I do not know what it is, but I want to get Robin.
Ted: I know what it is. You're like... a kid who threw his toys and wants them back as soon as another plays with.
Barney: I had perhaps not done playing with. I just left to play with something else for a while.
Ted: You ready.
Barney: Ready for what?
Ted: To read the letter.
Ted (2030): Children, I invented the letter to remind me of the reasons for a breakup. I did it for years.
Flashback
In 1996...
Ted: Dear Ted future, never returns with Karen, because it is a pretentious snob. And she has deceived you. Sorry that you discover the way. You see? We laugh now.
In 2005...
Ted: Dear Ted future, stay away from Natalie. And girls who b*at you to the ground for no reason, before a cheering crowd. PS... Check out a shrink to find out why it has you a little excited.
In 2008...
Ted: Dear genius relations, Stella has left you at the altar, you'll love me maybe more. And you will surely die alone. It's not so sad written in calligraphy.
In 2009...
Ted (2030): When Barney and Robin have broken in the fall before...
Barney: Hanging out with Robin was a huge mistake.
Ted: Write it.
Barney: What?
Ted: Write yourself a letter. That way you will remember the reasons for the break when you miss.
Barney: My pleasure. Dear Barney... the future... This ink is too cool.
Ted: Right?
Barney: You... and Robin...
End flashback
Barney:... a couple were atrocious. It did not work. You always love Robin, but remember the other women... And above all, the other breast, and all the cool stuff you do with breasts... Y to the head, juggle... squeaker squeaker... I'm a hopeless romantic.And there are drawings of breasts.
Ted: Get it?
Barney: I understand. I really want it back.
Lily and Marshall are sleeping in their beds each.
Marshall: Humans are not made to share a bed. Sex and sleep are associated, but these are two different things.
Lily: I know. I love you, but I want this new bed is a sanctuary of my sleep and my sleep only.
Marshall: Me too. And snacks, but that's all. You know what we should do? Buy a third bed to make love.
Lily: A bed for sex. For hot sex and bestiality.
Marshall: Awesome. That way, each bed will have its uses.
Lily: Right. There will be two beds for sleeping, one for sex, and I thought an ottoman for birthdays.
Marshall: Baby, you come to revolutionize modern marriage?
Lily: And how.
Ted, Marshall, Lily and Barney arrive at Don.
Don: Do you like sushi?
Robin: Don made sushi, it's cool, huh? He learned in Japan.
Barney: It's too easy.
Ted: Be nice. You want it just because you can not have it. Like saying "Sit wherever you want, except on that chair." You will be so...
Barney: My chair!
Lily: From spicy tuna? My favorite.
Don: I do too. It is more spicy, the better.
Barney: Me too, man. More than you, certainly. Instance. Super spicy. I feel bad.
Marshall: You will not believe. Don also has twin beds.
Lily: We just had.
Don: Great. Super.
Lily: Wait. This "super" does not look great.
Don: My ex and I thought it would be a good idea but they separated.
Marshall: But I bet you have no special bed sex.
Don: It yes, with his personal trainer.
Barney: This pepper is an ice cube in my mouth.
Don: But if Robin decides to move, I bought a giant bed.
Robin: I would love. If I move.
Don: If you moved in.
Don and Robin and Barney kiss between them.
Barney: Don Tokyo... You ever do that... in Japan? Wasabi!
Ted: Great! Give her milk!
Robin: spit, spit!
Don: We have more milk. Thank you for the reminder, Robin.
Ted and Barney are at the apartment.
Ted: Well, I hope you're happy.
Barney: I stay on my position. It was bold and romantic.
Ted: You were emptied from the top and bottom.
Barney: Come on. Did you do stupid stuff to impress Robin.
Ted: Yes, but not anymore, because I turned the page. Just like you.
Barney: You have not turned the page. You want it as much as me, but you not admit it.
Ted: That's ridiculous and I'll tell you why.
He fetches a box.
Barney: For my biographer?
Ted: Concentrate on the letter, ok? At Ted, Robin is the ideal girl for you, but she will not engage. You need someone who wants to settle. So, until Robin is ready for this, it is not for you. I still remember stealing the blue French horn, our first kiss, her eyes when she told me she loved me. And shit. I want it back.
Ted (2030): So that night, with Barney, we sat down to talk calmly and reasonably to the most deserving Robin.
Ted: I stole a blue french horn for her... I was with her for a year.I wanted her to be the mother of my children and spend eternity in his arms.
Barney:... I want to sleep with her, at least one last time. She is mine!
Ted: It's not for you! And it's not mine, either. It is... to Don.
Barney: Okay. We must get rid of him. You know, metaphorically.
Ted: Of course.
Barney: Or... literally. That's how it starts! I'm afraid, Teddy!
Ted: We all talk!
Lily and Marshall are still sleeping in separate beds.
Lily: I'm worried. I do not want that divorce.
Marshall: This is Don. It's not us. Our new way to sleep is only going to get closer. Now, get out of my bed.
Lily: We can at least get closer?
Marshall: Sure. You spoke of the beds. No, I'm not.
Lily: Why?
Marshall: I love you more than anything, but you're worse than a kettle. I'm surprised that your pee breaks are not as steam.
Lily: You're not perfect either. Between the food and ants. But... I still want to be with you.
Marshall: To h*t me and slam me all night? I swear, as soon as you fall asleep, it looks like it push you arms. One would think sleeping with an Indian goddess.
Lily: We're getting closer?
Marshall: You speak of beds yet?
Lily: Nope.
Marshall: Come here.
Ted and Barney are always quarreling about who will be Robin.
Barney: Robin Stinson!
Ted: Robin Mosby!
Barney: Robin Stinson!
Ted: Ted Scherbatsky. I would take his name. I do not care.
Barney: Okay, wait. What do you say to that? It is being shared?I take up to 40 years and after you can have it.
Ted: Who we laugh? It is with Don. We must accept it and move on.
Barney: You're right. I go to you... I go to the bathroom. And then I'll break...
Robin's phone rings, she picks.
Barney: It's BarnExclussif.
Robin: BarnExclussif, not quit. I have a double appeal.
Ted: It's Teddy Bear. Want some honey?
Robin: No. Ted, not quit. I'll remember. Ted is on the other line... and I think he has a problem.
Barney: Ted calls you? Indeed, he has a problem.
Robin: What's the matter?
Ted: There's that you have beautiful hair. Front and back.
Barney pat on the back of Ted and pounces on him.
Ted: We almost lose control.
Barney: It's true. I'm going to leave before something regrettable.
Barney crying in the street.
Barney: Robin, I love you!
Ted joins him.
Ted: Species of bastard! I brought the blue French horn!
Barney: I brought the blue French horn! Ted has just given me.Sorry, I was there before you.
Robin, at the window: Guys, what do you do?
Ted: I want you back!
Don: Come on, get.
Barney: All right! Here we go! You, Me and Ted!
Ted: Something to three.
Don: Robin and I have to go to work. Sit down watching TV and will be discussed when we come back, okay?
Ted: You abandoned easily. Game, set and match!
Barney: We won the fingers in the nose...
Ted: Where's this great TV?
Don: Right there.
Robin: Thank you.
Don: You're welcome. Good night, guys.
Barney: Good night, Dad.
Marshall: It was good. Well, you gotta go.
Lily: What?
Marshall: I'm sorry. It was great and you're great. But, I must get up early, so...
Lily: You throw me like that?
Marshall: You knew before you start. (Lily gets up to join his bed) Wait. Forget your sweater. Nice try.
At Don, Robin comes into the room where Barney and Ted sleep.
Robin: The Teddy Bear, BarnExclussif.
Barney: Dad?
Robin: We get up, f*ck. You remember last night?
Barney: Damn, Ted was torn. Embarrassing...
Ted: I'm sorry. It is both. We drank and we were stupid, but... We will do everything we can to ensure that Don is part of the group.
Robin: Don will not be part of the group. Neither do I. At least for a while. Guys... with Don, it works well. I want to see where it goes. And I could not do it if I continue to hang out with my ex. It will not. I moved in with Don.
Lily and Marshall are sleeping entwined.
Ted joins Barney in MacLaren's.
Barney: So what's going on with Robin?
Ted: You were right, she was just angry. It's been four days and not talk to relocate. We must never repeat this kind of shit.
Barney: I agree. In fact... I even wrote another letter. Dear Barney the future, you think you want to get Robin, thou wilt not true. Let her. Sincerely, Barney's past.
Ted: Let me see!
Barney: Give me that.
Ted: Ps... The top was for Ted. He believed? Fine. Pull yourself together with Robin, but say nothing to Ted because he will still go wrong. And there are still drawings of breasts.
Barney: In my defense, the breasts, is not it great?
Ted: Too great.
Ted uses a bowl of cereal. It takes a milk carton in the fridge but it is empty.
Ted: Robin?!
He goes into the vacuum chamber... Robin. It remains the blue horn...
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x21 - Twin Beds"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted joins Barney, Marshall and Lily at McLaren's.
Barney: Guess what I have behind my back.
Lily: Wait, wait. I will find. Left.
Barney: Not a good game but okay. Five tickets well placed to Robots vs. Wrestlers.
Marshall: Robots vs. Wrestlers?
Ted: Great!
Barney: You know Robots vs. Wrestlers?
Marshall: No.
Ted: But we think some kind of sport in which robots wrestlers.
Barney: That's exactly it, according to the website!
Lily: Wait, wait. Who is the fifth ticket?
Barney: Uh... Robin. I know... She lives with her boyfriend and she said not wanting to hang out with us, but it's Robots vs. Wrestlers. Robots vs.... Wrestlers!
Marshall: Barney is right. It is impossible to deny that.
Robin, on the phone: I refuse. I'd like to come but, I go out with Don Saturday. There is a Chinese.
Lily: I assume you're talking about cooking, otherwise I would have other issues.
Robin: I'm sorry, Lily, but I have a chance to Don. And I will not drink out with you every night... especially when "you" included two of my ex.
Lily: I understand. You're right. We miss you much.
Robin: You too. I gotta go. It is called? (She hangs up) Sorry, New York, I had to answer. Where were we? Bus accident.
Marshall, Lily, Ted and Barney are at the bar.
Barney: She said no? How could she? Robots vs. Wrestlers of our tradition is the largest group.
Lily: Tradition? It was never done.
Barney: It's Robots vs. Wrestlers, Lily. This is obviously a tradition. It starts like this. First, Robin moves in with Don and Marshall and Lily have a baby, then Ted...
Ted: Goes?
Barney: I was going to say "was found eaten by her cats," but it's not good either. Everybody leaves me, and I like it!
Lily: Do not worry about a baby on our side. It is not yet started.
Marshall: Absolutely. A small road.
Lily: A small long road.
Marshall: But you can see.
Lily: Very, very far.
Marshall: But you can see the exit sign.
Lily: Oh? I see it.
Marshall: You should put yourself on track.
Ted: I understand how you feel. It is important friendship. In this regard, Emerson wrote a great poem, titled Friendship. You'll love it. "A drop of crimson blood carries more weight than the waves of the sea..."
Ted (2030): It's always been like that, with the group as soon as I tried to get some culture.
Flashback
Ted: You must try this Syrah. A taste of creme de cassis, red berries, oak heated... (Marshall and Lily are the kitchen while Ted sat on the bench) letter in September, baritone white. Of course! A lyric baritone! Which is higher than a bass-baritone.There is a key moment in the second act of La Boheme...
End flashback
Ted: I try to add some class to our meetings. It's like this quote from Dante's Inferno. "Consider the race of which you are created not to live like brutes but to follow virtue and knowledge."Or, in Italian original...
Marshall, Barney and Lily laugh, from Ted.
GENERIC
Barney: You're right. I exaggerate with this story of Robin. What is an announcement? Wife Robin Don. I'll die alone! Ted eventually eaten by her cats!
Ted: Relax... It's for Marissa Heller.
Barney: Marissa Heller? She looks good. Face, breasts, describe. Begins with the breasts.
Ted (2030): Who is Marissa Heller?
Flashback
10 years earlier...
Ted (2030): The mystery began when we moved there 10 years.
Marshall: Ted! It was our first post! It is popular. It was... a golf magazine for... Marissa Heller. A catalog of wicker furniture, also Marissa Heller. And a voucher for a bird shop... addressed to Marissa Heller... or check it out... "Current Resident." It's us! It has mail!
Ted: Fantastic! That must be the previous tenant. I wonder how it looks.
Ted (2030): And that's how an image began to form. A picture of Marissa Heller, Marissa... the golfer Heller, one who loves the wicker... And Marissa Heller, ornithophilic.
End flashback
Ted: And since, in every mail we receive, the picture becomes clearer. But we know not how it looks. I will follow it as always...
Lily: Open it.
Ted: An invitation to the annual Spring Jefferson Van Smoot, for Saturday night... in his apartment in Alberta! Friends... This is the most beautiful building in Manhattan! We gotta go!
Marshall: It depends, on the invitation, it's about robots fighting wrestlers to rule the galaxy?
Ted: It's about an open bar.
Barney: We change the plan for Saturday. Evening Marissa Heller for alcohol and Robots vs. Wrestlers. But one of us should pretend to Marissa Heller.
Marshall: I'm flattered but Lily should.
Ted (2030): The big night arrived. Our first stop... The building Alberta.
Ted, Marshall, Lily and Barney enters the building.
Ted: This building is fabulous! You saw the gate and terracotta panels outside?
Lily: I just got a text from Robin. It says...
Barney: Guys, we get together. Lil, you can do... All you have to watch the guy in front, say your name is Marissa Heller, and it passes. And I repeat, to be sure, no accent.
Lily: It is certain that it is not English, though? Okay! I do. I go there. (A young woman arrives) Sorry. Go ahead.
Woman: I come for the reception of Mr. Van Smoot. I'm Marissa Heller.
Lily: Damn it then!
Ted: That's Marissa Heller. She is pretty.
Marshall: She has beautiful teeth. It should not need the reminder cards to go to the dentist.
Lily: What do we do?
Barney: I do we go to the party, that's what! (He goes to Marissa) We met at the meeting of ornithophilic.
Marissa: I do not believe.
Barney: Lovers of wicker?
Marissa: No.
Barney Stinson, outside. It will not.
Ted: I'm on it. This lift uses the same mechanism from its installation in 1906. It seems that Lamar Louis Skolnick, the architect of the building, has cut the panels himself.
Marissa: A fan of Skolnick? I love the juxtaposition between the German Renaissance outside...
Ted: And some French influence inside! He was an architect with a poet's soul, really.
Lily, holding Barney: No, no. It works.
Ted: I must make a confession. It is not on the list, but I always wanted to see the inside of Alberta.
Marissa: So, this way. We are together.
Barney: I said I'd get us.
They take the elevator.
Lily: So... nobody saw The Young and the Restless?
Flashback
Lily: Great! Who commissioned illustrated soap? Marissa Heller, I like your style.
End flashback
Lily: No one? Do I understand that there is not one fan of soap in this elevator?
Marissa: I have no television. The only opera I see are at the Met.
Ted: Prem's.
They exit the elevator.
Marissa: I'm sorry. Jefferson, my dear.
Marshall: I'm not dressed for it.
Barney: In a coined word "assh*le-Apocalypse."
Ted: This is Peter Bogdanovich, talking to Arianna Huffington and Will Shortz, crossword editors of The New York Times! Try at least, Chow and alcohol free. 20 minutes and off we go.
Man: But, the music changed, and Glovanni Artusi, simply do not understand the new way of composing.
Ted: Sorry, you talk about the fourth book of madrigals?
Man: Dear boy, what else?
Ted: This is my favorite book of madrigals.
Server: smoked foie gras with mango and caramel cream?
Marshall: You have nothing that resembles a mini cheeseburger?
Server: I do not think, sir.
Marshall: Mini pizzas? French fries? Something that makes me think I'm a giant?
Server: I look, sir.
Marshall: He will watch it.
Barney talks to a woman.
Barney: This morning I made the heart of the Ambassador of the Netherlands. I hope he gets better.
Woman: Really? A colleague of mine was prescribed Coumadin. And it is impossible it should be anticoagulated and if she had surgery.
Ted: You know who published an article on great Walt Whitman, and political semantics? Professor Hammersmith Oxford.
Woman: I'm the teacher Hammersmith.
Man: That's exactly what Truffaut spoke in his 1954 article in Cahiers du Cinema. Cinema is the substance of the filmmaker.
Marshall, laughing: Films... right? Actors. Willem Dafoe. Fun Fact of Willem Dafoe, his name sounds a bit like a frog, a parrot that talks. Willem Dafoe...! Willem Dafoe...!
Barney: As Undersecretary of Finance, I had a great influence on this legislation. Now, I wonder if you will accompany me in the map room to stimulate my package.
Woman: I do not think, my dear. You're too old for me.
Barney: Zsa Zsa Gabor is still sexy, but other than that, it is rotten this holiday.
Lily: We tried, it's been 20 minutes. We are going. Where is Ted?
Marshall: I know how to find it. Just a second... (They clap a gong) gongs, eh? Stronger than we think.
Man: Boy, this gong is a relic of 500 years that has not been h*t since WS Gilbert at the premiere of The Mikado in London in 1885.
Marshall: It is the relic of his wife 500 years that has not been h*t since WS Gilbert at the premiere of The Mikado in London in 1885.
Ted: Friends, Will Shortz, editors of the Times crossword. You know, I always say they use "Ulee" of Gold Life for vowels? Tell them.
Will Shortz: That's the vowels.
Marshall: Can I talk for a second?
Ted: Ten letters, a diminutive egg pie?
Will: Mini quiche? Where?
Ted: There. A great reception.
Marshall: Grave. We are going. It's time for Robots vs. Wrestlers.
Marissa: Ted. There you are. We will soon make blind-tests of white wine. It will surely be great.
Ted: I missed that glitch. I know, do not bother to say. There's no glitch in the wine.
Lily: Miss Lily in the living room with the chancellor.
Man: Great God, no! They belonged to Edgar Allan Poe!
Lily: Sorry!
Ted: Look, I'm having fun here, so I'll pass Robots vs. Wrestlers.
Barney: But you never missed Robots vs. Wrestlers. It happens that way. First Robin us loose, and now you? And for those pretentious snobs and old game?
Ted: Actually, I like those pretentious snobs and they are not old fashioned fart noise when I open my mouth. I remain. See you tomorrow.
Barney: It's an evening.
Lily: It means nothing.
Barney: It means everything. If you come not to Robots vs. Wrestlers, it's the end of our friendship.
Ted: See you tomorrow.
Barney: All right. So you do most of our group, forever. You can ask to return in 2 years. Come see wrestlers fight like robots. I'm embarrassed. I forgot something.
Barney taps the gong and enters the elevator with Marshall and Lily.
Man: Where did your buddies?
Ted: You know, a reading of poetry.
Marshall, Barney and Lily attend combat Robots vs. Wrestlers.
Marshall: The best tradition of all time!
Barney: You crazy not me, Marshall. Let's be honest. The group is finite. Ted is gone, like Robin. That separates us as well.
Lily: Boy, Barney, stop with your abandonment issues. Ted has the right to have a life outside the group. As we all.
Barney: Wait. Why do you say that all of a sudden? My God, you're pregnant!
Lily: No.
Barney: My God, have you ever had the baby! It is just behind me, huh?
Lily: No, silly. One day we all move forward in our lives. It's called growing up.
Robot: That's all you got, f*g?
Barney: You can at least promise to not get pregnant within a year?
Lily: I can not.
Barney: You can not?
Marshall: You can not?
Ted is blindfolded, a glass in hand.
Ted: Citrus and honeycomb with a sharp acidity. This is a Sauvignon Blanc, Loire Valley. The town of Sancerre.
Man: Okay, again! Bravo, my boy!
Barney: No! You can not have children! You want to raise a child in this crazy world.
Marshall: The world is pretty cool right now.
Barney: Okay, Lily, I have no choice. If you have a daughter, day, no, the minute she is 18... Gong!
Marshall: Babies.
Barney: I hope Ted is unhappy.
Ted sings.
Will: Ted, you are a remarkable lyric baritone.
Ted: Thank you, Will Shortz.
Barney: Okay, you can have a baby, but only under the following conditions: 1-You promise to always love me more than the baby, 2-Once a month, I can use to shake the baby, 3 - It may include a drop baby from the first floor and that saves me; 4-No breastfeeding in front of me. Forget the five-four, get out your breasts when you want.
Ted (2030): And something extraordinary happened.
Marshall: Holy shit!
Lily: I can not believe!
Ted: Of course, hell is an interesting concept, is not it? I always liked to imagine it as Dante's Divine Comedy. If I may. Italian original... (Thinking...) I do not believe it. I recite the Divine Comedy in Italian original, and nobody makes fart noises. It's weird. I've never gone that far. I just seem to be an assh*le. My God, I control myself! Listen to me, I am completely let go! I'm the biggest assh*le on the planet. I wish someone stops me.
Ted (2030): And someone did. Children, I told you that earlier this year, we met with duplicates of ourselves in the city. Robin There was a lesbian. There was the mustachioed Marshall. And, of course, Lily the stripper. That evening, another lookalike appeared... Ted Mexican wrestler.
Ted wrestler: Soy el conquistador de las maquinas!
Ted: I gotta run.
Barney, Marshall and Lily are at the bar.
Barney: Rule number 83. If something out of the baby ends up on my costume, I can touch the breasts of Lily.
Marshall: Dude, what's your thing with the breasts of my woman tonight?
Barney: It is not I who make the rules.
Marshall: Do you really think about all this?
Lily: I know. Maybe not.
Marshall: For what it's worth, I think we are ready. We love, we are financially s*ab, and frankly, it would change that much the way we live.
Ted (2030): Lily still loves to remind Marshall that said that.
Lily: If being at home with a baby, tonight we have never seen a d*ad ringer for Ted. It would make you what, if we had missed it?
Marshall: I blame the boy for the rest of his life.
Lily: Right, for his daughter's life.
Marshall: You're right. No need to rush.
Lily: What do you say that? We agree that it makes no sense to have a child before he saw the five doubles, right?
Marshall: Sure, it goes without saying.
Lily: So when we finally see a d*ad ringer for Barney, this is the message of the universe to tell us to do. And at that time, we'll try. Deal?
Marshall: Deal.
Ted arrives at the bar.
Barney: Look who thinks he can come here and repeat the group. Well, you can forget. Pity, remake the group! I want to lose anyone yet! We're sorry. You can recite all the poems of assh*le that you want, we never say anything bad on it, I promise.
Ted: Really? Because there is a poem I would recite... Friendship of Ralph Waldo Emerson. "A drop of crimson blood carries more weight than the waves of the sea The world uncertain comes and goes..."
Robin comes to making the fart noise.
Robin: Sorry, someone had to. I pay my tour.
Ted (2030): Children, let me say that over the years, none of us got a little separated at one time or another. We do not want, but it happens. But whatever had to happen, until now, and whatever happens, we will all, every year, see Robots vs. Wrestlers.
Man: Good night. Thank you very much, I enjoyed myself so much. Willem Defoe...!
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x22 - Robots Versus Wrestlers"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Kids, when you are 20, going out with someone that's great, but reached 30 years, we realize that everyone has baggage. Of course, you can choose to ignore it, but sooner or later...
(Ted saunters along with a woman.)
Woman: That's my ex, sorry. We try to remain friends. Hello, my chick! You have tickets to Maui?
(She carries a bag with writing "in love with her ex.")
(Credits)
Ted (2030): That spring, I began to see Royce. She was beautiful, intelligent...
(Later that night... Ted is with Marshall, Lily, Robin and Barney at MacLaren's.)
Ted: Anyway... We were happy together.
Lily: What...
Ted: That's it. This is the problem.
Barney: Her ass?
Marshall: Big?
Lily: Small?
Robin: This is an access problem?
Ted: There will always be a bag. Even if it goes well, it ends one day by spoiling.
Barney: Once in 30 years.
Ted: When I discover his luggage. I feel it. I do not know what it is, but when I know, it'll be over.
Barney: Please, tell me you repliest not emotional baggage.
Ted: It's a good thing?
Barney: The emotional baggage is the foundation of American cultural export the most important.
All: The p*rn.
Barney: Actually, the p*rn. Only women with major baggage make p*rn.
Ted and Robin: Major Baggage.
Robin: Everyone has one. You should know the face.
Ted: Really? The last time I overcame a background, it was that of a certain Stella, and, damn, I draw a blank. How did it end?
(Flashback)
Ted (2030): This is how. I gave him my request, she said yes.We were happy. And I's wedding day, her ex, karate teacher, Tony Grafanello, showed up, he declared his love, Stella and fled with him, leaving me there, my heart completely broken.
(End flashback)
Lily: What happened is horrible, it does not mean that is the case for everyone.
Marshall: Content that will be encountered young, not to be.
Lily: Issues mother.
Marshall: Not at all.
Ted: From grandmother.
Marshall: Certainly not.
Barney: On the great grandmother.
Marshall: I do not like it myself cuddly.
Robin: And you know your worst baggage? You're too nice.
Marshall: It's not a nice bag?
Robin: You've already looked walking down the street?
Marshall: I know not what to answer.
Robin: I'll help.
(Flashback)
(Marshall is in the street and greet people.)
Marshall: I'll help you. (It helps a man to repair his bike) That should do it. Guys, not today. It would be... (He begins to dance)
(End flashback)
Marshall: It's normal.
Barney: There is a street where it's normal. One clue: a giant yellow bird lives on.
Ted: I would love that one bag of Royce or she is nice.
Barney: Gentile? This is the worst baggage. The best: she hates her father, and she believes to be big, but no. Steamy sex at first date, and have brekky, she left. Why are you with me?
Ted (2030): That night, with Royce, I waited to see what would be his luggage.
(Royce and Ted are in the apartment.)
Royce: Spaghetti is your specialty?
Ted: It does not b*at my pancakes. I'll make once. There are incredible.
Royce: My father made me pancakes complete... Thanks to him, I worked in p*rn. You know? "Parents Offering Recognition, Nutrition and Order"? A charity for teens who do not have access to sport or healthy food. Reminds me... I k*lled my brother... with this joke last night. A barber, a stripper and a pediatric psychiatrist..., walk into a bar.
Ted (2030): I searched and searched, but apparently there was no luggage so I had to worry about, until we go see a movie.
(Marshall and Lily meet Robin at the bar.)
Robin: What took you so, one time!
Marshall: It's nothing. Forget.
Lily: It was on his way and Marshall wanted to stop to help guys to load their van.
Marshall: To be nice. It cost nothing.
Lily: And when the van is gone, which shows up if it is not the owner of the apartment, which had just been robbed help. And that was hard to explain to the police.
Robin: That's what I meant. New York is not a small town, friendly, crime-free, inbred, in the woods, with cows lost in Minnesota, where you've grown.
Marshall: No crime? In 1994, the cashier of the grocery store was robbed. Besides, I like being friendly, okay? I will change not it.
Lily: Do not change, baby. I find it pure. Pure. (Marshall gets up to the counter) Mashed mother of God is a moron sometimes. He lent them money to refuel.
Robin: He gave them money?
Lily: Not given, lent. They said they would send a check, so Marshall gave our address. What prevents them from coming home one night, and maybe tie me? With Marshall, sometimes we pretend for real but it's terrifying.
Robin: Why would you tell her anything?
Lily: What interest? He's from Minnesota. The mascot of his high school, it was a hug. Marshall is back with a beer while Ted joined them in turn.
Robin: What was with Royce?
Ted: Interesting. We went to this new film The Future Bride.
Marshall: Was it good?! Not that I'm interested. This is for girls.But it could take me there, like, 7:10 p.m. at the session tomorrow, 9:40 p.m. where because of my meeting. But I will leave soon, we will try to 7:10 p.m..
Robin: What's the movie about, anyway?
Ted: This is where it's interesting.
(Flashback)
Man: Big sucks, I'm Jed Mosley! I am the architect's most powerful and corrupt New York. I want... (He spills his coffee) It's gonna leave a job!
(End flashback)
Ted: It's about me.
Lily: The Future Bride talking about you?
Marshall: You sure it's you? When I saw The Wild History of space, I would have sworn...
Ted: This is my story. It is written by Tony Grafanello.
Robin: Tony Grafanello? This is...
Ted: With him that Stella is gone. This film tells the story of our breakup.
Robin: Why would he make a film? It's not him, the villain?
Lily: Yes, nice and called Ted Mosby.
Ted: It's funny, it's also my recollection. But according to the film...
(Flashback)
Voices: Mr. Mosley, your fiancee is here.
Jed Mosley: Great, the ball and chain. I look forward to her moving from her home in New Jersey to live in an apartment above a bar. It falls! What do I owe this pleasure?
Stella: We had to go taste the wedding cakes, remember?
Jed: Bluntly not, doll.
(He falls off his chair.)
(End flashback)
Marshall: I'm stunned.
Ted: Right?
Marshall: That's comedies these days? I fall off my chair! I really fell off my chair. It was funny.
Robin: What idiot. He chose a beautiful girl for my role?
Ted: You're not in it.
Robin: What a jerk!
Ted: No, Tony is not stupid. Well, not after the movie.
(Flashback)
Stella: I'm getting married. Sorry, Tony.
Tony: Stella, your happiness is all that matters to me, except his poor children I care volunteer.
Royce: I love it.
Stella: It's not so easy. Jed Mosley is perhaps not as beautiful as you, or as big...
Ted: I'm bigger than him.
Stella: And sex is horrible. Once he fell asleep in the middle.
Ted: Once. I was on medication!
Royce: What?
Ted: Nothing.
(End flashback)
Ted: This movie is really rotten! And everything is wrong!Remember my request? This spontaneous moment in the game room, I had no ring, so I gave him a teddy?
Lily: It was cute.
Marshall: And romantic.
Robin: A little cutesy.
Ted: That's how it was in the movie...
(Flashback)
Jed: If it makes you shut up, I think we can get married.
Stella: You do not give me the ring?
Jed: Bluntly not, doll. You pass it the finger.
(End flashback)
Ted: And the hot date 2 minutes? When I condensed a romantic rendezvous in 2 minutes to go with the busy schedule of Stella?
Lily: You're a good guy.
Marshall: It was really nice.
Robin: And a little cutesy.
Ted: According to the film...
(Flashback)
Stella: And our romantic weekend?
Jed: Bluntly not, doll. Can I suggest a date of 2 minutes, if you know what I mean. Naked!
(End flashback)
Marshall: If you know what you do, 2 minutes.
Lily: Word expert.
Ted: But the worst... the worst... it was the end. They are to marry...
(Flashback)
Priest: Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley as legitimate spouses?
(End flashback)
Marshall: Tell not the end! This is what I would say, if ever, I wanted to see a movie as bad. Continues.
Ted: So they are to marry...
(Flashback)
Tony: Stella!
Stella: Tony!
Jed: Tony?
Tony: I must say something. Long ago, I left this beautiful daughter, Stella, to escape. And now she is with this jerk who does not appreciate the true value of this beautiful bride.
Ted: What is your problem?
Jed: You can not talk to me like that! I'm Ted Mosley!
Ted: He said "Ted", right?
Tony: Stella, I promised you'd be my wife. And I would keep that promise.
Stella: Everything I wanted in my life was your love.
Priest: Go ahead, darling, kiss him.
Tony: If you still love me... Would you be my bride?
Stella: Bluntly, doll.
(She kisses him.)
Jed: Stop! Dad!
Children: Take that, Ted Mosby!
Ted: Okay, he really said this time around.
Royce: It was too much. I laugh, I cry. This is cinema, but it would not tell real people? It was so real! Why did you say "Oh, no" early in the film?
Ted (2030): This is where I realized that everyone has baggage, including me.
Ted: Nothing.
(End flashback)
Lily: You must tell your story with Stella Royce. It will be released at one time or another.
Ted: Why? So why should it?
Robin: Because it is past the fifth most profitable films.
Ted: I do not care. I will take it to my grave. It's a silly movie anyway!
Lily: He looks like zero.
Robin: I'll never see him out of friendship for you.
Ted (2030): Children, you see more.
(Barney, Lily and Robin are the movies.)
Tony: She made her choice. Do not worry. I will not come to marriage.
Jed: You'll come! I'll take you there myself and force you to watch!
Tony: The code.
Barney: That's exactly what happened. It was all good. Even the thing with nunchakus.
Ted (2030): I was determined to make this film as far from me as possible. Unfortunately...
(Ted, Royce are the bar with friends.)
Royce: It was not great the bride?
Woman: I too loved it!
Man: We'll see tomorrow.
Royce: It may come? Want to see it again?
Ted: Yeah, that was good.
Royce: "Good"? Rather perfect! The only thing, and for me it is a very small defect, compared to other films, is that I understand why Stella wants to marry a guy like Jed Mosley. Just the name of this guy: Jed Mosley...
Woman: Royce, you're out with Jed Mosley, too.
Royce: Who has not? It is a sacred number. A butterfly tattoo, how to pronounce this encyclopedia.
Man and woman: "Encyclopaedie".
Ted: Bluntly. Well, technically, this is the correct pronunciation.
Royce: I was so happy that this loser is done let go before the altar. You know why? Because he saw it coming. And the best part is that he will live a long, sad life, knowing he has lost his only chance of happiness. And when he gets beaten up by the goat?
Woman: Too funny!
Ted: Bluntly!
Royce: What a loser!
Ted: Bluntly! This guy's life was ruined by humiliation before the world. Too funny! It will take years before you can watch his family in front. It must be so traumatized that never again will he love or trust someone. It was insane! Get Moving, Adolf h*tler, a new king has arrived!
Royce: Ted, you're okay?
Ted: I thought you would be interested to learn some stuff about this movie that you love. It is rotten. And you are all stupid to love.
Royce: It was really bad, you should apologize.
Ted stood up: Bluntly not Carrément doll... not...
(Marshall, Lily, Robin and Ted are in the apartment.)
Lily: You said "not altogether, doll?"
Marshall: You really used the phrase Jed Mosley?
Ted: I know! I was so excited... How do you know it's his sentence?
Marshall: I wanted to see Avatar.
Ted: It's good. I will emigrate to a country where nobody saw the bride.
Robin: Good luck. This film is international, it's great.
Lily: Maybe North Korea?
Robin: I read that Kim Jong, he says it's his second favorite movie. Just after he made a film where the horse in slow motion.
Lily: Sorry, Ted, you're screwed.
Marshall: No, you know, Ted is not screwed. You know why I'm nice? Because I'm crazy baggage people. Most people see another person with this big suitcase, and they spend doing nothing. But not me. I look at them and say, "Hi, stranger. Can I help you? "And you know who taught me to be like that? A Ted Mosby. A decent and sincere guy who has faith. And you know what, Ted? Inside you, you're still that guy.
Ted: I still am.
Marshall: You wanna go get that girl.
Ted: I want to go get that girl.
Marshall: For it is the love of your life.
Ted: Because it is... Yeah, well... We had 3 rencards. It's nice.
Marshall: Because she's nice.
Ted: It's really nice! You're right, Marshall. I have to go retrieve it.And I know exactly where it is.
(He runs out.)
(Royce is the cinema.)
Tony: The wedding is in 15 minutes. I'll never make it.
Child: You can do Sensei. Give a roundhouse kick to love. Live in the heart.
Tony: You're right. What am I doing? There is still time!
(Tony Short and Ted does the same when it comes to the movies.)
Priest: Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley as legitimate spouses?
(Ted stands in front of the screen.)
Ted: Royce!
Royce: Ted?
Barney: Ted?
Ted: Barney?
Tony: I must say something.
Ted: I must say something. Long ago, I left that horrible daughter, Stella, break my heart. And now she is with this jerk who wrote a movie about it and this movie is called... The Future Bride.
Royce: What do you mean?
Jed: You can not talk to me like that!
Ted: I'm Jed Mosley. But Royce, missed it... in that cowboy boots red, it's not me.
Barney: To be clear, you're saying that you do not have boots red cowboy?
Ted: What...
Barney: I wanted... People want to know.
Ted: They are g*n in fact. I promised I'd make pancakes.And... I would keep that promise.
Royce: All I wanted was some pancakes this week.
Barney: Come on, darling, kiss him.
Ted (2030): Barney did not say "kiss". Still not "kiss".
Man: You must go!
Barney: This is outrageous. Thou hast embraced evil!
Ted: Royce, if you...
(Tony Stella, if you still love me...)
Ted: Do I always appreciate... Would you like me to make pancakes?
Royce: Bluntly, doll.
(She gets up and goes to kiss her.)
Barney: Kiss it! This film is embraced anyway.
Ted: That happened to me, it was pretty hard. I am not fully recovered.
Royce: Let me help you.
Ted (2030): And like that, kids, my luggage no longer seemed so heavy. Everyone has his baggage, it's part of life. But like everything else, it's easier when someone helps us.
(Ted Royce and are sitting on the couch.)
Ted: It feels good to have you said those things. I'm happy to open myself to you.
Royce: It's not that important. Me too, I was let go before the altar. Three times. The last time, because I lost all our money at poker. That's why I live with my brother.
Ted: Wait, I thought you had a very small studio.
Royce: Just the two of us. You'll see, he still pulls the duvet.
Ted: Yeah, you need to go there.
(END)
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x23 - The Wedding Bride"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted (2030): Kids at this moment in history, had been found look-alikes. Lookalikes strange but funky, four of us. Robin There was a lesbian. Marshall... the mustachioed Lily the stripper... and Mexican wrestler myself. Yes, mine was the coolest. And therefore, it was all anxious to find the lookalike fifth, that of Barney. It was more important to some than others.
(Lily and Marshall are at McLaren's.)
Lily: We agree, it's insane to have a child before he saw the five doubles, right?
Marshall: Sure, it goes without saying.
Lily: So when we finally see a d*ad ringer for Barney, this is the message of the universe to tell us to do. And at that time, we'll try. Deal?
Marshall: Deal.
Ted (2030): And one day, a few weeks later...
(Lily and Marshall are in the street.)
Marshall: You were serious with this story of the fifth lookalike?A baby is big enough to let the universe decide.
Lily: I know, it's crazy. It's easier to let the universe decide. Why?
Marshall: Decided!
Lily: Wait 2 seconds! It could easily be Barney who tries to f*ck chicks.
Marshall: I've moved up.
(He calls Barney.)
Barney: Barney here.
Marshall: Marshall. So, you're in the office? You're not, I do not know, driving a taxi, with a wig?
Barney: Yes, I'm in the office. This is the sound of my stapler.This is the sound of my trouilloteuse. And that, the sound of me, ranking the company's directive on sexual harassment. What's new? I gotta run, great leader.
Marshall: Barney's office. It was the fifth double.
Lily: Marshall Eriksen... put a baby in my belly.
(Credits)
(Marshall and Lily find themselves at the bar.)
Marshall: I hasten to add. This is one of the moments you dream about. "Friends, Lily and I have unprotected relations. "I have chills.
Lily: We're going to say anything.
Marshall: What? Why?
Lily: If you tell them, they are invited in at the most private and intimate of our lives.
(Barney opened the bedroom door of Marshall and Lily.)
Barney: You kiss? Go on, I'm not even there. But just like that, have a baby: big mistake. Now, show me.
Ted: Uncle Ted is here! How you will handle the story of Santa Claus? You should be honest. Damn, I will disguise myself.
Robin, on TV: It just happened... is that Marshall Eriksen will say to his wife while trying to impregnate her. Helicopter 12 is live at the scene, with "Baby Alert: 2010."
Marshall: Okay. I tell anyone.
(Robin and Ted joined them.)
Lily: We saw the fifth lookalike!
Robin: Incredible!
Ted: That's great!
Robin: Bizarre. A Barney Brown.
Lily: I know. Say what you want about him, but Barney is better blonde.
Robin: True. The blonde does not go to any guy.
Ted: I'm not sure.
Lily: What?
Ted: This was where I was swimming teacher at Cascade Country Club of Grief, I washed the mop with lemon juice, playing with natural highlights. Let's just say that there were some old pretending to drown. Unfortunately, one has really drowned. In short, blonde suits me.
Marshall, thinking: Okay you two. We are in a delicate situation but very promising.
Lily, thinking: If we play well the next minute, Ted goes to bleach their hair.
Robin, thinking: This is wicked, can not... I just imagine. How do we do?
Ted, thinking: What we all think? Nachos?
(Marshall thinking Ted Mosby meets one thing above all else.)
Ted, thinking: I know. I really had for lunch.
Marshall, thinking: Several people told him not to do something.Follow me.
Ted: I do not care, I can eat. Yes, we would like nachos.
Marshall: I love you buddy, but it is impossible that the blond you go well.
Robin: It would not look good.
Lily: Yeah, seriously, Ted, you not discolor hair.
Ted: I fade hair!
Marshall: It is not at all what we expected!
Ted (2030): The children, Robin and Don became such a duo, both outside and inside the screen, that Channel 12 asked them to lead others of their flagship programs.
(Robin and Don are puppets.)
Don: So that's why Monty and I have vowed never to take drugs.Because the drug is bad. Not true, Monty?
Robin: Of course... the chemical stuff, yes. But, what grows in nature, they can try, like, a couple of times.
Don: We do not try to Shadow Zone, Monty.
Robin: I think that we should not lie to kids, Moo-Moo!
Don: So... what do you mean?
Robin: I've tried drugs.
Ted (2030): Fun Fact: This episode had the highest ratings.
(Don kisses Robin.)
Robin: What was that for?
Don: Before you, I had given up everything. Relationships, my career, my pants. You have given me want to try again. I love you for that.
Robin: I see...
(Marshall is in the street when a d*ad ringer for Barney got into his taxi.)
Marshall: Sorry. You do not know me. But I wanted to thank you.In fact, you are someone very important in my life.
Barney lookalike: Important? You mean, legendary? Marshall, it's me!
Ted (2030): Oddly, this was not the biggest surprise of the day.
Robin, on the phone: This is rather sudden. Of course, you will have an answer tomorrow. Okay. Thank you. (She hangs up and then remember) Ted, something big has just arrived and you're the most sensitive people I know. That I may see you. (At the hairdresser...) You know what, it can wait.
Ted: No, go ahead. I'm listening.
Robin: The executive producer of WNKW saw our show the other morning and I loved it. They offer me the position of presenter, starting next week.
Ted: That's great!
Robin: Yes, but here's the thing... WNKW is...
Ted: Helen, dryer stops!
Robin: Is Chicago.
(Marshall is with Barney taxi driving.)
Marshall: You're the fifth double. How can you be you? I called you, Barney. And we talked about!
Barney: Yes, I understand. My colleagues are oddly on the fact that I work. I know, I know.
(Flashback)
Barney: To make them believe that I break my ass, when in truth I break some ass, I made a special message. What's new? I gotta run, Grand Chief.
(End flashback)
Marshall: It was a recording? You called me Big Chief, my nickname special job.
Barney: Come, Grand Chief.
Marshall: Come on. Stops.
(Back to the hair salon...)
Robin: Why it happens now? While all was well with Don. This is the never ending battle of my life: career vs. love.
Ted: "Endless Battle"? Your career has crashed love for years.It's like the Globetrotters vs. the Generals. Crochet career in half, the love is greenhorns who deserve it the Italian league.
Robin: I'm lost. What do I do?
Ted: You really need to talk to Don.
Robin: I'm too upset to talk with him. I have to avoid the time I decide what I want.
Ted: It sounds logical. Sorry to not be able to help you more than that. In truth, I can not be objective about the fact you're gone.
Robin: You did a manicure?
Ted: No, I did not...
Woman: It makes a.
Marshall: Why are you brown taxi driver?
Barney: Oh, that. You know how I dream of making love to a woman from each country?
Marshall: Sure. You're doing well in the Baltics.
Barney: I thought the fastest way to circumnavigate the world in 180 days. Take a taxi and wait before the United Nations.
(Flashback)
(A woman gets into a cab Barney.)
Barney: It was the perfect plan. There's a detail I had not expected.
(End flashback)
Barney: The girls not want to enter a taxi driver. I worked hard on it.
Marshall: I think so. I must confess to Lily that the fifth lookalike is false.
Barney: What's the problem?
Marshall: Lily decided that once you have seen all the doubles, we try to have children.
Barney: Children!? No! Rule: no children under 45! You never read my blog!? He has improved a lot.
Marshall: I'm ready to be a father, you know? But Lily needs a sign of the universe. It could take years.
Barney: Sorry, pal. It'll be $ 37.50.
Ted (2030): That night, Marshall returned to the news to Lily.
(Marshall enters the room where Lily is already there.)
Lily: The universe has spoken. Marshall Eriksen, make a baby.
(Ted with a blonde color Barney and Robin join the bar.)
Barney: They told me, so I've prepared a few. I organize a "marriage". Tell me, Billy Idol, it's going to do? More on Billy Idol.If someone wants the real Slim Shady, it's there. This one was good. Robin, why do not you help me?
Ted: First, I get lots of compliments. Then tell her.
Robin: It gets no compliments.
Ted: The other thing.
Robin: It may be that I moved to Chicago next week.
Marshall: Just to know, but it would do the same if we had not seen the Barney look-alike, eh?
Lily: But we have seen, which means that the universe in its infinite wisdom, tell me of planting, and apply yourself.
Marshall: I can not. I can in good conscience you plant.
Lily: I know what's bothering you.
Marshall: Really?
Lily: The taxi driver looked like enough to Barney.
Marshall: Well, there you got wrong.
Barney: Time out! This is a group decision! You can not go to Chicago before we are all agreed.
Ted: I think Robin...
Barney: Stay out of it, Brigitte Nielsen and Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV! We need Marshall and Lily.
Lily: It was smaller than Barney!
Marshall: It was the same size!
Lily: And you know what? I think he was Asian. Yeah, this guy was a little Asian with a graying goatee and belly.
Marshall: You forgot what looks like Barney?
Barney: You kiss?
Marshall: Why are you in our room? (Robin's turn to...) Why are you in our room? (Followed by Ted) Why Ellen DeGeneres is in our room?
Ted: It works!
Barney: Wait a second. Candles... flowers... I guess that Marshall has "forgotten" to tell you. The fifth lookalike... it was me.
Lily: What? Wait, you were aware? You lied to me?
Marshall: By omission, because this idea of "let the world decide" is crazy.
Lily: Baby, you...
Marshall: We must control our...
Barney: Friends! We forget what is really important here. Ted is blond.
Ted: Friends, I'm doing well. Robin has something important to say.
Robin: It failed him.
Ted: The other thing.
Robin: He had a manicure.
Ted: The other thing.
Robin: I had a job offer in Chicago.
Barney: That's why we're all here. For Robin to deter...
Robin: Actually, I already made my decision. Friends, I must accept.
(Marshall, Lily, Barney and Ted are in the bar.)
Ted: I can not believe that Robin is going to lose.
Lily, thinking: Perhaps it's the depression talking, but Ted's hair beginning to be well?
Marshall, thinking: Thank God, I thought I was the only one!
Barney, thinking: Looks like a real movie star!
Ted: And besides, it was a big mistake. I will re-stain the hair.
Lily: Finally.
Marshall: I told you so.
Barney: Not so great that.
(Robin joins them.)
Robin: So I was on the phone with Chicago.
(Flashback)
(Robin is on the phone.)
Robin: Yes, I made my decision. I appreciate the offer, but I can not accept it. Thank you.
(End flashback)
Robin: I'm staying.
(Marshall and Lily go around.)
Marshall: Tell me... Did you see the real Barney driving the taxi, and you thought it was a little Asian pot-bellied.
Lily: I know. It's weird, huh?
Marshall: It's not weird. That means you're not ready. Sorry for wanting to rush things. Our baby can expect the real d*ad ringer for Barney.
(On the other side of the road, a d*ad ringer for Barney juggles.)
(Don returned to his apartment.)
Robin: Hello Moo-Moo! Monty did you do an extra-fine pizza just as you love them! Are you okay?
Don: You'll never believe it. I was offered the position of presenter WNKW in Chicago.
Robin: You said what?
Don: I agreed. It's been years I expect this opportunity.
Marshall: Barney?
Sosie: I'm single mountebank of Estonia. Who is this Barney?
Marshall: It's just a guy we know who has a blog and really bad.
Sosia: It seems that he is improving. Finally, what is it, "blog"?
Marshall: This is something that was cool 8 years ago.
Sosia: Always cool. It looks pretty cool.
Lily: What's your name?
Sosia: Kristof.
Lily: how Kristof?
Sosia: Kristof... Sosie.
Marshall: Really? Your last name is "Sosie"?
Lookalike: It's my name, man.
Don: Wait. Trying to understand.
Robin: I'm going.
Don: Wait. Put yourself in my place. You can imagine what it is to be offered a dream job?
Robin: I can. Good luck in Chicago, Don.
Lily: Barney, why are you doing this?
Marshall: Wait a second. Is it possible that Barney Stinson secretly hope they have children?
Sosia: Who is Barney? Calm down the U.S.!
Lily: Let me talk about him. He keeps saying that nobody should have children before 45 years.
Sosie: I'd be interested to read what he has to say in his blog.
Lily: But I think I know what happens. Yesterday, Barney felt obliged to say goodbye to someone he really likes. And it made him think... A baby joining our group might not be the worst thing.
Sosia: Babies... this can be cute.
Lily: And one day he will be the best uncle in the world. Because it Barney, he is part of our family.
(Lily and Marshall and Barney start getting ready to put things...)
Woman: Excuse me. I heard you come from Estonia. So do I.
Barney: Excuse me a moment. Estonia Baltic countries would complete!
Woman: And I'm like you clown.
(She takes the sword from the hands of Barney and puts it in his mouth. It appears the Barney and faints.)
(Robin arrives in tears at Ted's apartment.)
Robin: Say yes to that.
Ted: Yes.
Robin: I can re-move? (Ted takes her in his arms. They sit on the couch) Is I'm the biggest idiot in the world?
Ted: Think of all of us, five years ago, when we met you.Marshall and Lily were friends as little. Today they are married and think about the children. And Barney? He would never get involved with anyone. And last year, he fell in love. And me? I was chasing a girl, convinced she was right. Today it is one of my best friends. And you? 5 years ago, you would never put love before your career, but now you did it.
Robin: Seems like I become more and more stupid.
Ted: Just more courageous. We all looked for the 5 lookalikes.But eventually, over time, we all become our own doubles.These completely different people who look exactly like us. The "Robin, there was 5 years"? This girl was pretty cool. Robin lookalike? She's great. (They are close) We drank a lot.
Robin: I do not care.
(They are about to kiss when Robin laughs.)
Ted: What? I forgot, I'm blond. I have blonde hair.
Ted (2030): And here's how my hair bleached prevented us from doing anything that would have regretted. Children, the world is fun.
4 months later... Lily meets a d*ad ringer for Barney merchant.Lily enters MacLaren's where she met Barney, Ted, Marshall and Robin.
Lily: Yes! You're there! This is fantastic!
Barney: Calm down. Your husband is here. Trying to hide it, at least.
Lily: The friends, follow me! (They leave) Look! The fifth double.
Barney: This guy looks like me...
Marshall: Guys... Play the game
Ted (2030): Children, you can ask the universe all the signs of the world...
Marshall: It's amazing.
Lily: Is not it?
Robin: It looks like Barney.
Ted: Amazing.
Barney: It's like looking in a mirror.
Ted (2030): But ultimately, we see only what we want to see, when you're ready to see it.
Marshall: Does that mean...?
Lily: Marshall Eriksen... put a baby in my belly.
(They kiss.)
(END)
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "05x24 - Doppelgangers"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, there are two big days in any love story: the day you meet the girl of your dreams, and the day you marry her.
[a little ways down the road...]
Outside a church
Ted: Nice! Where'd you get this?
Marshall: Stashed a cooler behind the pulpit. Beer be with you.
Ted: And also with you. Man, this is what church has been missing. Dude, you fixed church.
Marshall: Yeah. You're welcome, God. Nervous?
Ted: What? No. I'm just hoping it doesn't rain. Why? Do I look nervous?
Marshall: Look at your beer, dude. You always do that when you're nervous.
[Present day]
The Bar
Barney; It's a sad day in New York, Ted. A sad day, indeed. Do you know what I saw on my way in here? A girl... In a sweater. And you know what that means. The season of exposed skin is over. Exactly. Gone are the t*nk tops, Ted. Gone are the cute little skirts. Gone are the sun dresses. The sun dresses, Ted! I don't think I can make it another eight months with no sun dresses.
Ted: Barney, I really... I have to grade these papers.
Barney: I'm sorry. I'll let you work. But first, a riddle: What piece of women's attire most stokes a man's desire?
Ted: A sun dress.
Barney: Correct. What lightweight outfit, pink or white, makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight?
Ted: I really have to get this done.
Barney: Of course, of course.
Ted: Thank you.
Barney: "Sun dress," by the way. Hey! What are you nervous about? Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. What flowing cotton frock...
Ted: Okay, I'll tell you. Just... There's a... There's a girl sitting at the bar. Don't look!
Barney: I want to see a pretty girl.
Ted: Okay, you can look. Just-just-just be cool for once.
Barney: I'll be cool. Ah, Ted. You got your beer label in a bunch over nothing. Listen to your Uncle Barney. You have no reason to be nervous. None whatsoever. And I'm going to tell you why in one word.
Ted: And what's that word?
Barney: Dibs!
Ted: What... You can't call dibs on a girl I've been sitting here thinking about maybe talking to eventually at some point.
Barney: You never called dibs.
Ted: Dibs were implied.
Barney: Implied dibs?
Ted: Yeah.
Barney: Ted, you are spitting on the grave of Sir Walter Dibs, inventor of the dib. It was 1652... The SS Dibs was lost at sea...
Ted: Look, I don't have time for a fake history lesson, so I'll keep this simple. You go over there and talk to that girl, I will see you in court.
Barney: And who's gonna represent you? Dibs on Marshall as my lawyer!
Ted: Damn it!
Barney: Where is Marshall anyway?
Lily & Marshall's appartment / Marshall's office
Ted from 2030: Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily had recently decided to take a swing at starting a family. Tonight was their first at-bat.
Marshall: Okay, I'm almost ready to leave. Let's just go through the checklist. Candles?
Lily: Check.
Marshall: Music to set the mood?
Lily: Check.
Marshall: Music for when we're actually doing it?
Lily: Check.
The bar
Ted: You know what? To hell with your dibs. I'm going over there right now and talking to her.
Barney: Oh, yeah, yeah? Be my guest. Fall in love with her. Get married. Just know this: When I step up to make my toast as your best man...
Ted: Actually, Marshall would probably be...
Barney: As your best man...
(Barney is imagining Ted's wedding dinner)
Barney: Ladies and Gentlemen... I... had dibs.
Ted: No!
Barney: What?
Ted's wife: Tell me this isn't true.
Ted: I had implied dibs.
Ted's wife: (she slaps him in the face) You know, you've humiliated me! (turning towards Barney) I had no idea. You have to know that.
Barney: Shhh, shh. You're the victim here. We both are. Let's get out of here.
Ted's wife: Or, you know, we could just do it right here.
Barney: We could just do it right here.
Ted: Fine. Have at it. Exercise your dibs. She's got her shields up anyway. She's reading a book.
Barney: Yeah. At a bar. That book might as well be called, "Are You There, Barney? It's Me, Horny." That is not what "shields up" looks like. (He points to Robin who is entering the bar, with greasy hair and dirty clothes) That is what "shields up" looks like.
Robin: Move. God! (She come over Ted and Barney's table) Hey. 'Sup, dudes? Fries?
Barney: Oh, good God, woman. You're a disgrace.
Robin: No fries for this guy.
Barney: Robin, seriously, I love you, but it's like you have squiggly cartoon odor lines coming off of you right now.
Ted: You know what, Barney? Just cut her some slack, okay? She just went through a breakup.
Barney: With hygiene?
(Robin sits down)
Ted from 2030: No, with Don. A few months earlier...
[FASHBACK]
A few months earlier...
Ted: Here, have some tea.
Robin: Thanks.
Ted: Robin, I am here for you. Whatever you need.
Robin: Okay, about that. Ted, listen. I know myself pretty well. And, some time over the next few months, I'm going to want to sleep with you. And when that happens, you have to try to say no.
Ted: Try? I will absolutely say no. Our friendship is too important.
Robin: Okay, you know, maybe I wasn't clear enough. I will come at you with everything I've got. I will stalk you like the lioness stalks the gazelle: careful, patient, deadly. And if you let your guard down for so much as a second, as sure as you were born, I will hump your brains out.
two weeks later
Robin: Okay, I'm ready to have sex now.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: It was a tough summer, but I think our girl's been a real trooper. She's... Is this a Cheeto?
Robin: No, we ran out of Cheetos last week. Oh, yeah, it's a Cheeto. Dibs.
Barney: Oh, you're exquisite. You must let me paint you.
Ted: Hey Robin, what do you think? The girl sitting at the bar. Shields up?
Robin: Mmm, totes, toots. She's here on a date. She brought the book because she got here early, and she also wants to impress the guy she's meeting. Girls like to come across all classy and smart, you know? (She gets a giant hamburger out of a paper bag)
Barney: This? What you're doing right now? I'm getting a "de-rection."
(Lily & Marshall enters the bar)
Ted: Hey! How'd it go? You pregnant yet?
Marshall: Nope!
Lily: Okay, so, here's what happened. I was at home, waiting for Marshall.
[FLASHBACK]
Lily's & Marshall's appartment
Marshall: Hey! How was your day? Don't answer. No time. Bedroom. No, no. No time. Floor. No, no time. Against this wall!
Lily: Marshall, whoa! Wait. A big package just arrived.
Marshall: Yeah, it did.
Lily: No, no. It's a real package from your dad.
Marshall: Well, that's a little weird, but yeah, it is.
Lily: Marshall, look!
Marshall: A bassinet? Oh, my... He must've made it in his wood shop. Wasn't that sweet of him? Lil? Isn't that sweet? Lily?
Lily: You told your dad we're trying to have a baby?
Marshall: Of course I did. I tell my dad everything. My dad is my best friend.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted & Barney: Ohhh
Marshall: We have been looking forward to this magical, special night for two weeks now. And, sweetie, during that time, I have been... How do I put this delicately? Saving all my love for you.
Lily: I have read 11 books on conception. I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour. But good for you for not playing with yourself.
Ted: I feel you, buddy.
Marshall: Ah, no! Don't even touch me, dude. It's been, like... It's been two weeks. I'm, like, a light breeze away from having a big problem. Seriously. (He looks at Robin, picking her teeth) Okay, I'm better now.
Ted: Okay, Barney. What's this going to cost me?
Barney: Excuse me?
Ted: Your dibs. I want to buy your dibs.
Barney: Two... hundred... and fifty thousand dollars.
Ted: 20 bucks.
Barney: But I... Can I go smell her first?
Ted: No. (He takes $20 out of his wallet)
Barney: Fine. (He takes the money)
Ted: All right. Wish me luck.
Ted from 2030: Now kids, remember how I told you about a girl named Cindy? [FLASHBACK - Cindy's appartment] How I went on one date with her and it ended...
Cindy: Get out.
Ted from 2030: badly? Well... [END OF FLASHACK]
The Girl who was reading: How are you? (to cindy)
Cindy: Good.
Barney: What the hell are you doing?
Ted: That girl she's talking to? I dated her.
Barney: Oh, that sucks! And dibs.
Robin: So you went on one date with one of her friends. It's not necessarily a big deal. I mean, did it end on bad terms?
[FLASHBACK]
(Ted runs into Cindy in the hall of the university)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Well, I guess you just got to move on. I mean, it's not like you have a sh*t with Ready McGee over there, right? Ted?
Ted from 2030: Then I remembered. Cindy had a roommate. A roommate I only caught a glimpse of... But a roommate who, by every indication, was something very special. Was it possible? Could this be the girl attached to that ankle?
Ted: I got to see her ankles.
Robin: You're one of those? God, I swear, one in five guys...
At the other side of the bar
Marshall: Lily! We kind of had a plan tonight, remember? Candles? Banjo?
Lily: Who else did you tell? Did you tell anyone at the office?
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Shannon? Start the music...
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: I may have mentioned it in passing to a couple of colleagues at work. I'm sorry about that, but you know what? I got to be able to tell my dad.
Lily: Your dad is the last person you should tell! The man is too involved in our lives! It's like, every time the phone rings...
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Hello.
Marshall's dad: Lily, Marvin Eriksen. I noticed you hadn't changed your last name yet.
Lilly: No, I'm gonna...
Marshall's dad: So, don't worry. I called the DMV, I called your Amex, I got that process started for you.
[later]
Lily: Hello.
Marshall's dad: Lily, Marvin Eriksen. I understand you and Marshall have been fighting. Well, let me tell you what works for me and the missus. Frilly French undies and a box of wine.
[later]
Lily: Hello.
Marshall's dad: You might want to try pickles on that sandwich.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Pickles would have helped that sandwich!
Lily: The man has no boundaries. And I just can't procreate under these conditions!
Marshall: Yeah, well, you know what? I've already told him, so the damage is done.
Lily: So, call him and tell him we decided not to have a baby.
Marshall: Okay, so you just... You want me to give my dad a stroke?
Lily: Only if you want to give this a stroke.
Marshall: That's ridiculous. Lily, there is no way that I would ever... Okay, everyone needs to shut up so that I can think!
Back to the table with Barney, Robin & Ted
Robin: They're talking to a guy now.
Ted: What kind of guy? A cheesy guy or a cool guy?
Robin: Oh, a cheesy guy. Don't worry.
Ted: Oh, man! That guy is cool. His hair's all cool, he's got a cool belt.
Robin: Well, that guy is cheesy, and if you think he's not cheesy, then you're cheesy, too, and now I want something cheesy. Who's feeling nachos?
Barney: Oh, look at you, Robin. You're jealous.
Robin: Jealous?
Barney: Yeah, jealous, because she's got it, and you've lost it.
Robin: I have not lost it.
Barney: You lost it.
Robin: I still have it. I know exactly where it is, and I can go get it whenever I want.
Barney: Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date, and you've h*t yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway But it's all downhill from here.
Robin: I don't have to take this. But I do have to take this.
Back to Lily & Marshall
Marshall: Okay, so you just want me to call my dad and tell him that we're not having a baby?
Lilly: That's about the size of it.
Marshall: Okay, out of curiosity,when do we tell him about the baby?
Lily: We'll tell him about the baby when there's a baby to tell him about.
Marshall: So, he just gets no notice? He just walks into his boss's office, and says, "I just had a grandson. I'm gonna be out for three months."
Lily: Out for three months?
Marshall: Yeah. He and my mom are coming to live with us when the baby's born. We talked about this.
Lily: No, we didn't.
Marshall: I meant, me and my dad.
Lily: You know what, Marshall? Why don't you have a baby with your dad?
Marshall: Oh, okay, Lily.Why don't you have a baby with your butt?
Lily: What?
Marshall: I can't think straight! Why do you have to wear that shirt? This is not how I thought this night was going to go!
Back to the table
Cindy: Ted?
Ted: Oh, God, this sucks! Do you think she saw me?
(Cindy walks over)
Cindy: Hi, Ted!
Barney: Yeah, she definitely saw you.
Cindy: Can I see you for a minute... in private?
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, sure. I mean, how could that not be fun? If I don't come back, tell my mom I love her.
Barney: Okay, will do. And dibs.
(Lily sits down at the table)
Lily: Barney, am I crazy? Marshall talks to his dad way too much, right?
Barney: Oh, you don't want my opinion on that.
Lily: Why not?
Barney: If I had my dad's number, I would never not be on the phone with him.
Lily: That was really...
Barney: Whoa, a hottie with a body! Boing...!
Lily: Brief.
Barney: No. Lily, look. (looking at Robin standing at the bar) You saucy little minx. You sundressed up.
(a man walks to her)
The man: Hi.
Robin: 14 seconds! 14 seconds, and already some dingdong is stepping up, thinking he can get some of this broke off. I... still... got... it. All right, buddy, you proved my point. Now scram. Nice belt, by the way.
Barney: Robin, you do look super hot.
Robin: Oh, do I?
Barney: Yeah, you do.
Robin: Thanks.
Camera on Ted & Cindy
Ted from 2030: I braced myself for what was next: rage, fury, a possible shanking.
(Cindy hugs him)
Cindy: Thank you, Ted. After things didn't work out with us, I got really sad for a while. But then I realized, you're not what I wanted, Ted, and I'm not what you wanted. I'm sorry I was such a jerk. I feel like I should make it up to you somehow. You know, buy you a beer or Yankees tickets, or...
Ted: Or set me up with one of your friends. No, I'm kidding. That would be weird.
Cindy: No, it wouldn't.
Ted: It wouldn't, would it? Any one of those three. Whichever's easiest and right nearby. And not the beer.
Cindy: I should get back.
Ted: Totally.
Cindy: Come say good-bye before you leave.
Robin: Say good-bye before you leave?
Ted: Her words exactly.
Barney: Dude, you are so in. That is so awesome. A high five doesn't even cut it. High six!
Ted: She didn't see us high-six, did she?
Barney: No. Good. That was pretty lame.
Ted: Yeah, let's never do that again.
In the street
Lily: Marshall?
Marshall: What? Lily, what? Are there more members of my family that you want to crap all over?
Lily: Here's the thing.
(Marshall's phone rings)
Marshall: I'm sorry. Hold on. Just... It's my dad. Lily, it's my dad, okay? I love him, and if he calls me, I'm gonna answer the phone! Hey, Dad.
Marvin: Hey, hey. I know it's late, but I just had to call. How'd it go?
Marshall: Dad, this is...
Marvin: Did you do everything the books say? Did you put the pillow under her back?
Marshall: Dad, I'm in the middle of something right now.
Marvin: Did it feel like a boy? You can tell.
Marshall: He's insane. My dad is insane. I'm so sorry, Lily. He's just... He's so... enthusiastic. It's ridiculous, you know? Like, who's like that?
Lily: You. You're like that. You and your dad both care so much. It's... it's why women fall in love with the Eriksen men to begin with. But right now, it's a lot of pressure.
Marshall: Baby, I'm not trying to pressure you one bit.
Lily: What if I can't have a baby? That could happen. I could totally let you down. Has that thought not occurred to you?
Marshall: Not even for one second. Not having a baby would suck, but the idea of you letting me down... that's impossible. That would be like aliens landing. That's a bad example, because that could happen. It probably already has. I saw this, episode... All right.
Ted: I'm doing this. I am going over there. Wish me luck.
Ted from 2030: Kids, nothing in this life quite compares to the sweet, terrifying exhilaration of making your move. When you just put it all on the line and go for it. And that night, by golly, Cindy went for it. So no, kids, that girl wasn't your mother. She ended up being someone else's mother. In fact, they both did.
Robin: Like I said, she's here on a date.
Ted from 2030: So that was not the day I met your mother. The day I met your mother was the day of a wedding.
Back to the church
Ted: Okay, maybe I'm a little nervous.
Marshall: Dude, it's just a wedding toast.
Ted: I know. I just... I want it to be great, you know? I want this whole day to be great.
Marshall: It will be.
Lily: Best man? You're being summoned.
Ted: Geez, what now?
Marshall: Ted, seriously, relax. Everything's... Okay, and it's raining.
Ted: Yeah. You were saying?
Marshall: You didn't happen to bring an umbrella, did you?
Ted: No. I didn't bring an umbrella.
Marshall: I mean, everyone told us that it might take a while, but... We thought we might be the exception to the rule. Anyways, we're getting back on that horse. I mean, feeling good about the future. Obviously, this goes without saying, but you won't tell Lily about any of this, right?
Ted: No! Of course! Absolutely!
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x01 - Big Days"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
The bar
Barney: So, this chick and I are going at it behind the Central Park Zoo. The Bonobo chimps start giving us a standing O, and just when I'm about to give her the same thing... What up?... I... I can't. I just... I can't. Guys, I know you count the minutes until you can escape from your humdrum lives by hearing how awesome mine is, and I love doing that for you, but I just can't tonight.
Robin: What's wrong?
Barney: I don't want to talk about it.
Robin: Okay. Hey, you guys see Deadliest Catch last night?
Ted: Did I ever! Deadliest Catch ever!
Barney: All right, I'll tell you! My mother is selling the house I grew up in. All of my childhood memories gone, just like that!
Ted: That sucks. I've been there, buddy.
Marshall: What are you talking about? Your mother still lives in the house you grew up in.
Ted: With her new hippie husband, Clint. The comfort of home is a little ruined when someone turns your old room into what I'm pretty sure is a Tantric sex temple. With all the bamboo, pot smoke and '60s music, it's like my old G.I. Joes are frozen in some weird Vietnam flashback.
Barney: Anyway, I need you guys to come out to Staten Island on Saturday and help box everything up.
(laughing)
Lily: You expect us to spend a whole day packing up your mom's house?
Barney: Of course not. It's a two-day job.
Robin: Pass.
Ted: Same.
Marshall: Unsubscribe.
Barney: You guys are adorable. You seriously believe that I, Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this? I got the Queen to give me a fist bump.
Ted: No one believes that story.
Lily: You may be able to talk the brain surgeons you pick up into doing whatever you want, but it's not gonna work on us.
Staten Island, Barney's family home
Lily: How did he do that?
[OPENING CREDITS]
Ted from 2030: So there we were helping Barney pack up his childhood home.
Barney: Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing is way too big to fit in that box.
Ted: Yeah, that's what your mom said.
Barney: How dare you!
Ted: No, she actually said that.
Lauretta: Oh, dear, I thought I told you, that's just not going to fit in there.
(James enters)
James: Someone order something tall, dark and awesome?
Everyone: James!
Barney: Bro!
Ted: How you doing?
James: Hey!
Lauretta: Oh, my goodness!
James: Mama.
Lauretta: Look at my two sons. So big and strong and handsome.
Barney: Mom. Stop.
Lauretta: And how is my delicious little grandson? Oh, did he get the clothes I sent him?
James: Check it. Huh? How cute is that, right? When was the last time you saw a diaper poking out of a Dolce and Gabana suit?
Barney: Tuesday at work. Some of the senior partners are really getting up there.
Robin: So, Ted, yesterday at work, I totally talked you up to that super-hot makeup girl, Liz.
Ted: Oh yeah? Mm-hmm. What did you say?
Robin: Oh, you know, how funny you are...
Ted: Guilty.
Robin: Handsome.
Ted: Who, me?
Robin: Incredible lover.
Ted: Really?
Robin: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was all like, "He knows a woman's body better than she knows her own, endless waves of pleasure just cresting and breaking for hours and hours..." Blah, blah, blah. "Orgasms so intense that you just black out." All that stuff.
Ted: Robin, how can I possibly live up to that review?
Robin: What? You know what you're doing down there. Oh, Teddy Westside can bring it. We know this.
Ted: But that is not the point. I mean, you broke the first rule of setting people up: undersell. It's like, if someone's never seen The Karate Kid, you don't say, "It's the greatest movie ever." You say, "Uh, it's pretty good" And then they see it, it blows their freakin' mind. Because Cobra Kai sensei's all like, "Sweep the leg!" And Daniel-san's all like... (high-pitched vocalizations, (mitates whooshing sounds)
Robin: Maybe I did oversell you a bit.
James: Thank you guys so much for helping us out with this stuff.
Lily: Oh, it gives us a rare insight into the makings of Barney Stinson. Like, look at this. Who was a cute little basketball player before he became the biggest pervert in the world?
Barney: I loved Pee Wee basketball. Well, until they kicked me off the team... I was so awesome, the coach asked me to quit because it wasn't fair to the other kids.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: I was so awesome, the coach asked me to quit because it wasn't fair to the other kids.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: That sounds plausible.
Barney: Hey. It's true. Tell him, James.
James: Oh, yeah, he had, like, a four-foot vertical leap. He would h*t it from the outside, h*t it from the inside... He sucked. Coach cut him from the team, and Mom fed him that story so he'd feel better.
Barney: Oh, my God! Look at this. My letter from the Postmaster General. I still can't believe he took the time to write this...
[FLASHBACK]
(Barney is celebrating his birthday)
Barney: "Dear Barney... I sincerely apologize about losing all the invitations you sent out to your eighth birthday party. That's why none of your classmates showed up. Not because you threw up when they turned the lights off at the Planetarium. No one even noticed that. Also, Janey Masterson's mother is a whore, and with gin on her breath at 10:00 in the morning, she's got some nerve kicking us out of the carpool. Love, Postmaster General.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Thank you.
Marshall: Does your mom make stuff like that up a lot?
James: Constantly. I mean, she put more effort into some lies than others.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: Mom? Who's my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Loretta: Oh, I don't know... That guy.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Did she tell you that Bob Barker was your dad, too?
James: No. No, no. I heard Flip Wilson, Bill Cosby, James Earl Jones, Meadowlark Lemon... The list goes on. I still can't get a straight answer about who my real dad is. And Barney's no help. He still believes every lie that my mom told us growing up. Not me. I caught on early.
Barney: Careful! Michael Jackson sent me this glove for my tenth...
Ted: Damn. Loretta really lied a lot to her kids.
Lily: Well, she's not alone. Whenever Marshall was acting too hyper, his mom would suddenly decide he was "sick" and give him cough medicine until he passed out.
Marshall: I'm pretty sure that's what stunted my growth. I h*t 6'4" in the fifth grade, and then I just stopped.
Lily: And then there's the most popular parental lie in history. Santa.
Marshall: Yeah, but that's a good lie. Like when we tell Ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down.
Ted: I always find that reassuring.
Marshall: You will meet her, buddy.
Ted: You think so?
Marshall: Yeah!
Lily is going down the stairs with a box in her hands, marshall is following her
Lily: Santa's still a lie, and I'm not lying to our kids.
Marshall: Baby, it's Santa. Don't you want our kids going to sleep on Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope, their heads full of crazy cough syrup nightmares, knowing that downstairs Kris Kringle is stuffing their stockings full of joy and stuffing his belly full of milk and lutefisk that they left him?
Lily: Milk and lutefisk? Santa doesn't get cookies in Minnesota?
Marshall: Yeah, that's just what Santa needs at 3:00 a.m. when he's battling a snowstorm over the Rockies: a sugar crash. No. Santa needs protein.
Lily: I'm not lying to our kids.
Barney: Ah... Valentines. The second base of third grade. I always got a Valentine from every single girl in my class.
James: Funny how all these girls have the exact same handwriting as the Postmaster General, Mom, and... home run king, Frank Aaron.
Barney: Yeah, school girls... The more they ignore you, pretend to hate your guts, lock you in the coatroom over winter break, the more they secretly like you. This isn't... Who's Sam Gibbs?
James: No idea. Why?
Barney: Mom addressed this and never sent it.
James: What's in it?
Barney: Hey. (laughs) It's a picture of you and me when we were little kids. On the back, Mom wrote... "Your son."
Loretta: Okay, everyone, lunch is ready. Who wants Sloppy Joes?
James: Mom, who's Sam Gibbs?
Loretta: That doesn't sound familiar. Who wants Sloppy Joes?
James: There's a picture of me and Barney in an envelope addressed to him. And you wrote "your son" on the back.
Loretta: Oh, no, that... It says "Yourson." For Yourson, North Dakota. That's where we took the picture. Lovely town. We went kayaking, and you two rescued the mayor's dog, which had wandered into the rapids. That mayor, Sam Gibbs, asked for your picture so the city could make statues of you both. I guess I never sent it. That's embarrassing. Now, how about those Sloppy Joes?
James: If this picture was taken in North Dakota, then why is our old swing set in the background?
Loretta: I don't know! I did my best as a single parent, and it wasn't always easy, and I'd recommend putting the coleslaw right on top of the Sloppy Joe, because it's delicious that way!
James: Can you believe her?
Barney: I know. Forgetting to send the photo. That poor sculptor had to work from memory. Those statues probably look nothing like us. Damn it, Mom!
Back in the bedroom
Robin: So, Ted? You were worried that I oversold you to Liz. Well, I fixed it.
Ted: How?
Robin: I sent her another email. "Dear Liz. I hope it didn't sound like I was trying to oversell Ted. The truth is, he is a genuinely nice, down to earth guy, and I think you two would really h*t it off."
Ted: Thank you. Thank you. That's perfect. That totally takes the pressure...
Robin: "Is he going to rock your world in bed? No. But he's clean, open to criticism, and not into anything too weird. He's not bad at all. Not bad at all."
Ted: See, now you went too far in the other...
Robin: "I'll be honest. The first few times aren't going to be that great. He's going to say 'Are you finished?' more times than a waiter in a busy restaurant."
Ted: Stop!
In the living room
James: Listen to me. There is no Yourson, North Dakota. Mom... And Sam Gibbs wasn't the mayor. He might be one of our fathers.
Barney: Well, he's not my dad. My dad's Bob Barker.
James: Barney! You... You've got to stop living in these fairy tales that Mom told us! Bob Barker is not your father. Sam Gibbs might be, but Bob Barker is absolutely, unequivocally not your father.
Marshall: I suppose you have a problem with the Easter Bunny, too.
Lily: Not now.
James: This address isn't too far. Are you coming with me, or not?
Marshall, Lily, James and Barney take a trip to meet Sam Gibbs
Barney: So we're doing this? We're really going to go disturb the peaceful Long Island retirement of the former mayor of Yourson, North Dakota on a Sunday afternoon? Real classy, James. Real classy.
James: You're just too scared to face the truth. You're living in a dream world.
Marshall: Maybe we shouldn't have brought these Sloppy Joes.
Lily: Oh, what's done is done.
Ted and Robin are at the back of James' truck
Ted: "Ted Mosby is solid as a rock." No. "Dependable." No. "Rugged." No.
Robin: Why don't I just go to the Chevy Web site and copy down adjectives?
Ted: I just want to h*t that perfect middle ground.
Robin: How about we just go wildly to both extremes and just let them balance each other out? "Ted Mosby is really handsome, but extremely violent, and really rich, but lacks bladder control." Oh, damn.
Ted: What?
Robin: That last bump just made me h*t send.
Ted: Oh, no.
Robin: Don't worry. I'm sure that everyone will get it's a joke.
Ted: No, they won't. They're going to think... Wait. "Everyone"?
(Marshall, Lily, James and Barney are all laughing)
Barney: "Really rich"?
They arrive in front of the Sam Gibbs' house
James: You ready for this?
Barney: For what? I don't know who lives here, but it's not my dad. Wait. Wait. Please, stop. Just... just give me a second, okay?
James: I thought you said that he... Stop.
Barney: Come on. I know Bob Barker's not really... you know. I'm not crazy. I just... I needed that. I know it may sound stupid, but I didn't always feel so great about myself growing up, and so having a celebrity dad made me feel special. But you're right, James. It's time to let go of the fantasies. It's time to grow up.
James: Come here.
(doorbell rings, a black man opens the door)
Sam Gibbs: Can I help you?
James: Yeah... you're Sam Gibbs.
Sam Gibbs: Yes.
James: I'm James Stinson, and, I think you may have known my mother, Loretta Stinson... in the '70s.
Sam: Loretta! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I... I knew Loretta.
James: My mother meant to send you this.
Sam: You're my son.
Lily: God, this must be so hard for Barney.
Marshall: Yeah, but you know what? He took a big step today...
Barney: Papa! Look at us!nIt's like three of the same guy. Oh, my God, this explains why I was always so awesome at basketball. Guys, I'm black! Sorry. African-American. No. I'm allowed to say either. I got to go get my camera!
James: That is my younger brother, Barney. He just thought he'd meet his real dad today, and clearly, he's not taking it so well.
Sam: Oh, my head's kind of spinning, too. I mean, Loretta and I only saw each other for a couple of months. You were two before I even knew you existed, and at that point, your mother made it very clear she was going to raise you on her own. I felt I had to respect her wishes, but I always wanted to meet you.
Ted: Wait. Barney and James are two years apart. If Sam only knew Loretta for a few months, he couldn't possibly be Barney's father.
Robin: He's also quite the detective.
Lily: Don't worry. We'll... We'll snap Barney out of this when he gets back.
Marshall: Or, he could just let him have this one.
Ted: What?
Lily: Are you kidding?
Marshall: Guys, Barney's losing his childhood home, he finally admitted Bob Barker's not his dad, and then he watched James meet his real father. It's just a lot to go through in one afternoon. Can't we just let the guy be black for a day?
Barney: Here, Ted. Capture the moment!
Ted: I think you'd need Salvador Dali to capture this particular moment, but I'll give it a whirl.
Barney: Man... I thought I was a light-skinned Caucasian, but in truth, I'm a really light-skinned African-American. Man, try to hail a cab in Manhattan. Am I right? Nope, no one's stopping for this. These guys don't understand what I'm talking about.
Ted from 2030: During that afternoon, Sam and James began to discover how much they had in common.
Inside the house, Sam is playing the piano, singing "Stand By Me"
Sam: Come on. You know this. Come on.
(James begins to sing with him)
Sam: There you go. Come on.
(Barney begins to scat sings)
Robin and Ted are in the garden
Robin: Weird day.
Ted: Weird day.
(phone chirps)
Robin: Hey, look at that! Liz still wants to meet you. That's great!
Ted: I guess. Wait a minute. You said Liz was a total ten. Why would she want to meet the incontinent freak show you described? You oversold her!
Robin: Maybe a little.
Ted: You said she was a ten.
Robin: I did not specify on what scale.
Ted: You said she looked like a movie star.
Robin: She does. It's Robert De Niro, but, like, super buff, like in Cape Fear.
Sam and James are sitting in front of the house
Barney: Dad, look how fast I can run!
James: He's actually a really sweet guy, and he's great with my son.
Sam: I have a grandson?
James: His name's Eli.
Sam: He's beautiful.
Barney: Dad, you're not looking!
Ted from 2030: Eventually, the strangest afternoon of our lives wound to a close, and we headed back to Staten Island, where Barney and his mom had a long overdue heart-to-heart.
Barney's room, Loretta comes in
Loretta: Barney? I need to talk to you.
Barney: Me first. Mom, there's something that I need to ask you, and I... I want you to be honest with me. Why do white people like Carrot Top?
Loretta: Listen... I always wanted to be enough for you boys. I think that's why it always hurt whenever you asked about your dads, because I was always trying so hard to be both parents for you. But I was being selfish. You deserve the truth. So here it is. Sam is not your father.
Barney: Are you sure?
Loretta: Yes. He's black, dear. But if you want, I can tell you who your father really is.
Ted from 2030: And at that moment, Barney suddenly saw his childhood more clearly than he ever had before.
[FLASHBACKS]
Basketball coatch: I'm sorry, but your son can't be on the team. He's terrible.
Barney: What'd Coach say, Ma?
Loretta: He said you're simply too good to be on the team. It's not fair to the other boys. But that's okay. We can just play together in the backyard.
Barney: Why didn't anyone come?
Loretta: Oh, you know what, dear? Apparently, there was a mix-up with the mail. I just got this letter from the Postmaster General. "Dear Barney, I sincerely apologize "for losing all the invitations you sent out to your eighth birthday party."
[END OF FLAHBACKS]
(Barney tears the paper his mother is handing to him apart)
Loretta: Barney.
Barney: It's okay, Mom. I don't need it.
Loretta: But it's your father.
Barney: I already have a father. And his name... is Loretta.
Ted from 2030: Kids, your uncle Barney grew up without a dad. And it always made him feel incomplete. But as he hugged Loretta, surrounded by the boxes into his happy childhood, he realized he had one hell of a mom.
Sam's house
(James and Sam are still singing. Barney comes in and begins to sing with them with a weird voice. James and Sam stand up et leave the room.)
Barney: Wait. Dad! James! Where are you going? That's the best part. Can we go camping?
END
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x02 - Cleaning House"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, in my early days of being a professor, I had one simple goal: give a lecture that changes someone's life. Then one afternoon in 2010, I achieved that goal.
Ted's class
Ted: Unfinished. Of all the words you could use to describe La Sagrada Familia... Brown, pointy, weird... The one that really seems to stick is "unfinished." Why? Because on June 7, 1926, the architect Antoni Gaudi... Whose beard was also brown, pointy, weird and unfinished......was run over by a bus. And so, his greatest masterpiece would remain forever...
Ted from 2030: But first, let's back up a few days.
A few days earlier - The Bar
Barney: Ted, look across the bar. Three chicks: one hot, one kind of hot and one who I'm assuming is really funny. We ride! What's wrong?
Ted: I don't know. Got a burger coming.
Marshall: Bro, I told you, if you ever need a wingman, I'm your guy.
Barney: Yeah, I'm not going to go through that again.
[FLAHBACK]
Barney: Hi. Barney Stinson.
Marshall: And I'm Marshall, Barney's wingman.
Barney: Thank you for your time.
[END OF FLAHBACK]
Barney: Fine. I'll have a three-way with hot and kind of hot while Giggles works the camera. I ride!
Robin: So, get this: Last night, I was watching TV, and it turns out, some random satellite channel picks up a certain local Chicago newscast.
[FLASHBACK]
(Robin is watching TV in her appartment)
TV Speaker: And now, the 11:00 News with Don Frank.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Oh, man, it's bad enough to have to go through a horrible breakup, but then have that person pop up on your TV? Are you okay?
Robin: Well, I'll admit, at first, I felt a little weird. But after the initial shock, I realized something: I've moved on. Finished with that. It was a peaceful moment of closure.
Ted: That's great. Good for you.
Robin: Yeah, thank you.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: Excuse me?
Lily: When I was a kid, I had a dog named Bean. Whenever he made the face that you're making right now, you just knew he pooped somewhere in the house. Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin:I don't know what you're talking about.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin:There's no poop.
Lily: Where's the poop?
Robin:Okay. So it wasn't entirely a peaceful moment of closure.
[FLASHBACK]
(Robin is watching TV, drinking a beer)
Robin: Hey, Don, here's some breaking news: there's a zit breaking ou on your forehead. Finished with that.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Look, I'm not proud, but Don left so quickly that I never got the chance to have that final showdown. So yelling at him, even on TV, felt kind of good. And you know what? Now I truly am over him.
Ted: That's great.
Robin: Thank you.
Lily: Good for you. Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: Damn it! Okay, in the process of truly getting over him, I may have called him and left an... indelicate voice mail.
[FLASHBACK]
(Robin is on the phone with Don's vocal)
Robin: I am gonna k*ll you. I'm gonna fly to Chicago, k*ll you, put your stupid face on a deep dish pizza and eat it. And then maybe catch a Bears game. But mostly the k*lling and eating your face thing.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Give me your phone. We're deleting Don's number.
Robin: Don't worry. I am never doing that again. It was a one-time thing.
Lily: Prove it. Delete contact.
Robin: There. Deleted.
(Barney comes back)
Marshall: Back already. How was flying solo? And by "solo," I mean so low that you got sh*t down.
Barney: Look, I didn't get sh*t down. Trust me, I'll get the yes. Barney Stinson always gets the yes. This is all part of the plan. After initial contact, I'm now in the ignoring phase.
Lily: Barney, why can't you just take a girl out to dinner like a normal person?
Barney: Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get the yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact that sex just doesn't. Call me old-fashioned, but I need to have sex with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her.
Ted from 2030: The next day, at the university, I had a surprise visitor.
At the university
Ted: What are you doing here? Oh, God! You're dating one of my students. It's Rachel, isn't it? Barney, I know she wears provocative sweaters, but she's 19! Now I'm gonna have to hear all about it, right? Go on, tell me every detail.
Barney: No, you pent-up old perv. I brought you a present. Recognize this?
Ted: It's my building.
Ted from 2030: Kids, you may remember that, a few years earlier, I was chosen to design the new Manhattan headquarters for Goliath National Bank. It was the opportunity every architect dreams about. And when the project was ultimately scrapped... it broke my heart.
Barney: Do you remember how awesome it was to be co-workers... Nay, bro-workers?
Ted: Wait a minute. Y-You don't mean...
Barney: Ted Mosby, it's back on. We're gonna build your building.
[CREDITS OPENING]
The bar
Marshall: This is awesome... You're designing our new headquarters. Now, there will be voices that tell you a hockey rink on the roof is unfeasible. You've got to shut those voices out.
Ted: Actually, I think I'm gonna say no.
Robin: No? Are you kidding me?
Lily: But designing a building in New York City is your lifelong dream.
Ted: I do not want to work for GNB again. Those guys are evil. No offense, Marshall.
Marshall: Dude, none taken. Yes, GNB is, the Empire from Star Wars. But the Death Star's gonna get built either way. And don't you think the architect of the Death Star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume? I mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that a single b*llet fired into a particular vent would explode the whole thing.
Ted: For all we know, that was the contractor's fault.
Marshall: But that won't happen on your watch... you know why? Because you're Ted Mosby! And you are gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan, with clearly marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level.
Ted: Look, I know this is hard to understand, but right now, I have a quiet, simple, happy little life. And I like it that way. I know what my answer has to be.
Barney's office
Ted: I can't take the job, Barney. I'm done with that life. No hard feelings?
Barney: Of course not.
Ted: All right.
Ted from 2030: And I thought that was the end of the story. But then that night...
The Bar
Ted: I'm telling you, no architect would ever design a giant exposed vent right over a Death Star's core reactor. That's Space Architecture 101. It had to be the contractor. Barney, back me up. Barney. Dude, this is important.
Barney: I need another drink.
Ted: Marshall, you want anything?
Marshall: No, I'm fine.
Ted: Okay, I get that he's mad at me for turning down the job, but acting like I'm not even here?
Marshall: Wait, you turned down the job? When?
Ted: This morning.
Marshall: That's so weird. Just, like, an hour ago, when we were leaving work...
[FLASHBACK]
(Barney's office)
Marshall: So, you still think Ted's gonna take the job?
Barney: Please. I'll get the yes. Barney Stinson always gets the yes.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Am I wrong or is that exactly what Barney says when he's putting the moves on a girl?
Marshall: Exactly. I mean, it's almost like he's putting the moves on you.
Ted: Yeah, more like the opposite. He's been ignoring me all night. Barney wants me to take the job so bad he's putting the moves on me?
Marshall: I hope that's his end game. Actually, I don't. I like you two together.
Ted: I don't buy it. That's crazy, even for Barney.
Marshall: Okay, well, think about it. We've seen his moves countless times. What does he do after he's done ignoring a girl?
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: Chrissy, I love your glasses.
Chrissy: Really?
Barney: They totally pull focus up from that whole chin situation you got going on. To Chrissy.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: The backhanded compliment to lower her self-esteem... a proven winner.
Ted: But Barney hasn't done...
Barney: Ted, I admire your loyalty. You've had that hairstyle forever. You don't care that it's out of fashion or that it's been co-opted by the lesbian community. You stick with it. To Ted.
Robin's appartment - Lily comes in
Robin: Hey, Lily!
Lily: Don't "Hey, Lily" me. I smelled poop all the way from the hallway.
Robin: Oh, no, not this again.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: Okay, I left Don another message.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: "This just in" is what I'm gonna say when I'm s*ab you.
(END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: But that's impossible. You deleted his number.
Robin: I tried to. But then this thing popped up on my phone that said, "Are you sure?" And I wasn't sure. I can't lie to my phone.
Lily:Oh, sweetie, I totally understand. Delete it!
Robin: It's not that easy, okay? You're not just deleting a number, you're deleting a part of your life. You know, all those memories, all those experiences. It's like you're admitting they're gone forever.
Lily: I know, sweetie. I know. Delete it!
Robin: Okay, if it's that easy, I'm gonna delete one of your numbers from your phone, see how you like it.
Lily: My "plezh." If you can find a number in there that I don't call regularly, I'll gladly delete it.
Robin: Super Kicks Karate.
Lily: No, not that one. That's my dojo.
Robin: You have a dojo?
Lily: I took an introductory karate class.
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Ops, wrong room. Where do the grown-ups go for the real karate class?
Boy: What's the matter, lady? You scared?
Lily: Of you? Please. I'm a kindergarten teacher.
Boy: I hated kindergarten. All three times.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: But I'm totally gonna sign up for more lessons.
Robin: How long ago did you take that class?
Lily: I don't know. It was around the time when everyone was going, "Wassuuuuuuup!"
Robin: How do you even remember that? Lily, this is a number that you will never dial again.
Lily: I might.
Robin: No, no. But you keep it in your phone because it reminds you of a version of yourself that you could be, even if it's a version of yourself that you'll never become. And that's okay.
Lily: No, it's not. Okay, you know what? There, gone. Your move, Scherbatsky.
(Ted and Marshall enters the appartment)
Ted: I finally know what your kind goes through. I get it now.
Robin: For the last time, I don't care how big it was, it is not the same as giving birth.
Marshall: No! Barney's been "putting the moves" on Ted.
Lily: Oh, that sucks. Although I like you two together.
Marshall: No, he's been doing it to try to get Ted to design the new GNB Tower.
Robin: Which moves are we talking about? Did he do the thing where he brags on himself in the form of a complaint?
[FLASHBACKS]
Barney: Man, every time I take out my business card and women see the GNB logo, they throw themselves at me. I miss the chase. It sucks! (...) Man, the courtside Knicks seats that are available to all upper level GNB employees are too close to the action. I keep getting sweat on my suit. It sucks! (...) Man, GNB's benefits package is so comprehensive it gives me the freedom to see any doctor I want. It sucks!
[END OF FLASHBACKS]
Ted: He did.
Robin: And the intense eye contact thing?
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: So, Ted, would you like to split some jalapeno poppers?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Okay. Yep.
Robin: And the thing where he establishs intimacy through physical contact?
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: You know why jalapeno poppers are so good? It's the cream cheese.
Barney: That is so true.
Ted: Yeah... Cream cheese has a mild flav-flavor so it... it balances out the spiciness of the jal... the spiciness of the... Dude!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: So at any point in this did you say, "Barney, I know what you're doing, and it's not going to work. I am not taking that job"?
Ted: Well, I mean, not exactly in those...
Lily: You're loving this.
Ted: No.
Lily: You are. You're loving the attention.
Ted: It's nice to be wanted, okay? And, yes, this is a new vest. Thank you all for noticing. Oh, that's right, you didn't. Barney did!
Robin: Oh, Teddy, you are so going to spread your legs and design that building.
Ted: I am not that kind of architect. So get this...
(Ted goes into his room)
Lily: Robin never deleted Don's number.
Robin: Oh, everyone thinks it's so easy. Give me your phone. Let's delete one of yours.
Marshall: Okay. No problem. If you can find a number that I don't need or shouldn't have in here, be my guest, but good luck. I keep my phone tight.
Robin: Edwin.
Marshall: Oh, no, not that one. That's the booker for the club that my band plays at. You know, my all-lawyer funk band... you remember... The Funk, the Whole Funk and Nothing but the Funk.
[FLASHBACK]
(Ted, Lily and Robin are listening to Marshall's band playing)
*Your witness lied so your case is sunk, hah! I sentence you to a life of funk Counselors, how do you plead? Funky. *
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: You guys played one gig four years ago. I'm deleting it.
Marshall: No, no, we're gonna... we're gonna play another gig again. Probably really soon. It's just we all got super busy, and... We're not going to play another gig again, are we?
Lily: Probably not, baby.
Robin: See, it's hard to h*t that delete button, isn't it?
Marshall: Well, it's just that without that number in my phone, I'm just a corporate lawyer working 60 very un-funky hours a week.
Robin: Sorry, Marshall. But if I have to, you have to.
Lily: Okay. Your turn.
Barney's office - Ted comes in
Ted: Barney, I gotta tell you something.
Barney: Oh, that reminds me. I got you a little airplane. It represents the spirit of adventure. Do you like it, Ted? Do you?
Ted: Stop it. Stop looking at me like I'm the only person in the world who matters. I'm not designing the GNB Tower.
Barney: Yeah, I know. You turned it down. We hired someone else.
The bar
Ted: Can you believe it? He's resorting to the oldest move in the book. The classic, "pretend to take the offer off the table so I'll want it more." It's so obvious, right? As if that's going to make me be like, "Oh, God, I never should have said no."
Marshall: It's not a move, dude. I ex*cuted the paperwork for the new architect this morning. Barney wasn't lying.
Ted: Oh, God, I never should have said no! Come on, GNB didn't really hire a new architect. This is just one of Barney's moves.
Marshall: It's not a move, dude. The senior partners were getting impatient. I thought you didn't even want the job.
Ted: I didn't! I don't! I don't. I don't!
Barney's office - Ted comes in
Ted: Okay, I'll do it!
Barney: What? Ted, it's too late.
Ted: I'll design it for half of what you're paying the other architect. And you know I will do stuff they would never do. Lobby stuff.
Barney: Wow, half? Ted, on behalf of Goliath National Bank...
Marshall: Okay, it's a move.
Ted: What?
Barney: Dude!
Marshall: There is no other architect. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I lied. I was being Barney's wingman, and I never get to be the wingman.
Ted: You guys lied to me?
Barney: You're the world's worst wingman. You know what? I'm out of here.
Marshall: I can do better. Take me back. You son of a bitch!
Ted: Look, I can't do business with people who lie to me.
Barney: We only lied to you to make you realize that you want this job.
Ted: No, I don't. I mean, I know I said I did, but that's only because I fell for the same creepy, pickup artist voodoo of yours that countless women...
Barney: 236.
Ted:...before me fell for. Wow, respect.
Marshall: No... Ted... you want to do this, okay? You're just scared of getting hurt again. But you can't let fear steal your funk. That is good. There is a song in there. Excuse me.
Barney: Come on, Ted! This is your dream.
Ted: No, it's not. Not anymore. And you know what? Letting go of that dream was the best decision I ever made. You guys actually think I have some lingering itch to be an architect? Work 20 hours a day and weekends? To get ulcers and pull my hair out and worry and doubt myself and then at the end of it all, have the rug pulled out from under me? I love being a professor, okay? All that stupid crap they tell you about how fulfilling teaching is? It's all true. I'm happy, and I'm not letting go of that. My answer's no.
The bar - Robin comes in
Robin: Hey, guys.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: How do you do that? You are like a b*mb-sniffing dog, except with poop. You are a poop-sniffing dog.
Marshall: I think that's just called a dog.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: Fine. I called Don again.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: Hey, Don! It's Robin again. Look, I am sorry for all the calls. It's just, I saw you on the news, and it made me a little crazy for a minute. I guess I wasn't as over our breakup as I thought. But I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, I am going to k*ll you. No... No, I'm not. I am happy for you. And that Asian slut on your Facebook page. She's d*ad, too.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: I thought you deleted his number.
Robin: I did, but it turns out, I memorized it. You can't delete contacts from your brain, Lily.
Lily: Well, you have to try. If you ever want to have closure...
Robin: I am never going to have closure. Okay? Closure doesn't exist. Okay, one day, Don and I are moving in together, and the next thing I know, he's on a plane to Chicago. It just... ended. And no matter how much I try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. Don and I will always be a loose end. We'll always be...
Ted's class
Ted: Unfinished. Gaudi, to his credit, never gave up on his dream, but that's not usually how it goes. I mean, usually, it isn't a speeding bus that keeps the brown, pointy, weird church from getting built. Most of the time, it's just too difficult or too expensive, or too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there. And until you finish it, it will always be...
Barney's office
Ted: Hey, Barney. Hey, Rachel. Rachel, why aren't you in class?
Rachel: Why aren't you in class?
Barney: Yeah, Ted. Why aren't you in class? You son of a bitch. I'll call Marshall. We'll draw up the contract.
Ted: Not so fast. I'm not that easy.
Ted from 2030: And so I made Barney break his golden rule. I made him take me out to dinner before I finally gave him the thing he always got. Yes. And even though it didn't happen right away...
Robin's appartment
TV Speaker: And now, the 11:00 News with Don Frank.
(Robin makes a phone call)
Voice: Bueno?
Robin: Who is this?
Voice: No hablo ingles. Quien es?
Robin: I'm sorry. Is this 917-456... I'm sorry, 465... No, wait.
Ted from 2030: Robin finally got some closure, too.
Robin: Sorry. Wrong number. Finished with that.
Lily arrives at the dojo
Lily: Hey, punk! Bit of advice. Next time you step on a kindergarten teacher's neck, you better finish the job.
Man: I knew this day would come.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x03 - Unfinished"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
The bar
Barney: I cannot stop staring at that girl's face.
Ted: Face. Huh. That's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet.
Barney: No, Ted, I'm really looking at her face.
Lily: Aw... That's actually really sweet.
Barney: Puffy cheeks, smudged mascara, slightly red nose... That girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless. Anyone have a condom?
Everyone: Oh! Oh, God! No, no, no!
Lily: That's it! You know what? Five-minute time-out! Corner booth! Now.
Marsall: Hey, get this. You know my friend Max from law school? He's at Gregor's Steakhouse downtown, and Woody Allen is sitting two tables over. He wants us to come check it out.
Robin: I don't know, it could be cool. I've never seen Woody Allen.
Marsall: What?! Robin, how can you be a New Yorker and never have seen Woody Allen?
Robin: I have seen plenty of other famous people. Last week I saw... Maury Povich.
Ted from 2030: Kids, you know talk show host Maury Povich. It was uncanny how often we saw this guy.
Lily: Dude, everyone sees Maury Povich.
Marsall: Maury Povich is everywhere. I'm sorry, Robin, but you're not a real New Yorker until you've seen Woody Allen.
Robin: I am, too, a real New Yorker.
Ted: That's adorable. You're from Canada.
Robin: I have been here for almost six years. It's not like I just got off a boat.
Lily: A boat! Oh, wait, that is how you say it.
Ted: I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.
Lily: No, you're not a real New Yorker till you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks.
Marshall: No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've k*lled a cockroach with your bare hands.
Robin: Those rules are all stupid, okay? I've never done any of those things.
Ted from 2030: By the end of this day, Robin would have done all of those things.
Barney: Okay, time's up. What are we talking about?
Marshall: Woody Allen is eating at Gregor's, and Robin thinks that we should go see him.
Barney: Why would I do that? I'll see him at poker on Tuesday.
Robin: Oh, come on, if we jump in a cab, we'll be there in 15 minutes.
Lily: A real New Yorker would know the subway's faster. You just take the one, and transfer to the two-three.
Ted: Well, the bus runs more often on weekends. Take the M-7 to the M-5.
Barney: The bus? Every time I take the bus, there is one crazy person no one wants to sit near. That's why I have never taken the bus. Plus... I can run faster than a bus.
Ted: Dude, that's, like, seven miles. You can't do that. You can't b*at the bus!
Marshall: I can b*at a bus or a cab or a train!
Robin: Is anyone else suddenly craving green eggs and ham?
Marshall: Machines are overrated, and someone needs to take them down a peg.
Barney: You're all wrong... I got a way to get there so fast, I could b*at all of you, even if I sat down and ordered a big, juicy steak first.
Marshall: How?
Barney: Medium rare. But that's not important right now. Look, I know the city better than any of you guys, okay?
Lily: Oh, my God!
Barney: Oh, wow!
Ted: All right, all right, hold on, hold on! Let's just forget about it. Who cares? I mean, there's no way to find out who's right anyway. First person there wins! (Everyone stand up et run outside)Doesn't matter how you get there!
Barney: (to the sad girl at the bar) Stay sad! I'll be back!
[OPENING CREDITS]
Barney: Hi. Can I see a menu, please? No rush.
Ted from 2030: Kids, I should tell you, Lily really needed a win that day.
[FLASHBACK]
(2 months earlier)
Ted from 2030: When Marshall and Lily decided to have a baby, they assumed it would happen right away.
Marshall: It's gonna be positive. Eriksen man are hella fertile. When Uncle Morris was 16, he got his girlfriend pregnant just by holding her hand too tight in the backseat of a car. Now I'm thinking my parents lied to me.
Lily: Negative.
Ted from 2030: As the weeks went by, Marshall's confidence never wavered. Then it started to mess with Lily's head.
Marshall: Negative? Well, we know it's not me.
Lily: Everything's fine. These things take time.
Marshall: Not with an Eriksen. Something must be wrong with you. Also, my mom hates you.
Lily: You know what? Just to make sure, I'm gonna pee on this again.
Marshall: What? No, you wouldn't. Somebody help me! Somebody help me!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted from 2030: Lily was so fed up with not getting anywhere, maybe winning this race was just what she needed.
Lily jumps into the subway train
Man: Idiot!
Marshall is running in the street
Marshall: I'll show them. My body can outrun any motorized vehicle. I'm like John Henry when he b*at the steam engine. All I need is a great folk song.
Folk singer: *Gather round, ye children to hear the tale so sweet of a man who dared to race machines with nothing but his feet*
Marshall: Suck it, grand-butt!
Folk singer: * Marshall versus the machines *
Robin calls a taxi
Robin: Ooh, taxi!
Man: Excuse me, I got a thing.
Lily is in the subway train
Speaker: Maury... Maury...
Lily: Track maintenance? 20-minute delay?
Man: How do you do that?
Lily: I grew up here, I speak conductor. Damn it! (she gets off the train) Damn it!
Ted is in the bus
Ted from 2030: Kids, I also needed a win that day. A couple nights earlier, your Uncle Marshall had offhandedly mentioned a web site called...
[FLASHBACK]
(The bar)
Ted from 2030: A couple nights earlier, your Uncle Marshall had offhandedly mentioned a web site called...
Ted: Grademyteacher.net?
Marshall: It's this awesome site where students can go say what they really think about their professors. Hey, you're probably on there.
Ted from 2030: I just had to see what my students had written about me. And it was... Majestic. Until...
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted from 2030: Now, kids, I knew I was a good Professor. That's why I didn't let it bother me. I had nothing to prove. Absolutely nothing.
Ted: Here's a fun fact. See the Alberta Building over there?
Man: Oh. The brown one or the gray one?
Ted: That's the gray one. Did you know that in 18...
(the man falls asleep)
Barney is at the restaurant
Barney: Hey! Come on! Elizabeth!
(Barney falls down)
Waiter: Somebody call an ambulance!
Robin is trying to get the cab from a woman
Robin: Excuse me, I've got a thing.
Woman: Hey! That's my cab!
Robin: Gregor's Steakhouse, downtown.
Woman: (jumping onto the cab)This is my cab...!
Barney is in the ambulance
Barney: Downtown hospital, please. It's right by Gregor's Steakhouse. Take the FDR, and maybe crank up some smooth jazz.
Medic: Uh, we're required by law to take you to the nearest hospital, which is St. Luke's-Roosevelt. Uptown.
Barney: Oh, no. (He makes a phone call) It's Barney. Help me.
Ted from 2030: Robin also needed a win that day.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted from 2030: It had been a rough year for Robin. First her boyfriend and former cohost, Don, left her for another job. Then Robin met her new cohost, Becky.
Becky: Hi! I'm Becky!
Robin: Hi.
Becky: I am so excited to be your coanchor! Yay!
Robin: Hi, Becky. My, you're perky.
Becky: Don't worry, I am not here to step on your toesies.
Robin: Oh...
Becky: You're still the star. I made chocolate chip cookies for everybody! Yay!
Ted from 2030: And just like that, Becky started to eclipse Robin. I mean, literally eclipse her.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
The taxi driver pulls the breaks et the woman falls down.
Woman: This is my cab! Aah!
Robin: Keep it.
(She steps out the taxi, Marshall is behind her, still running)
Barney steps inside a car
Ranjit: Hello.
Barney: Ranjit, take me to Gregor's.
Ranjit: Taking you to Gregor's.
Marshall slows down
Folk singer: * As Marshall ran with all his might and passed his friend Christine *
Marshall: Hey, Christine.
Folk singer: * He thought of all the times that he had beaten the machine. He triumphed over "Pitfall" He vanquished the alarm. He brought the jukebox back to life with his Fonzarelli arm Marshall versus the machines. *
In the bus, a woman sits down next to Ted
Woman: Last seat. Thank God. I just had the worst cab ride of my life.
Ted: Well, you're in luck. See that gothic church over there? Those corinthian columns were designed by Giuseppe Pegatto in 1896. (the woman stands up to find another place)
In Ranjit's car
Barney: Hey, Ranjit, pull over.
Ranjit: Pulling over.
Barney: Hey, toots! How about a ride? Oh. Hey, Robin, it's you.
Folk singer: * Hyah! Move along. Hyah! Move along. Hyah! *
Ted is standing next to the bus driver
Ted: See that over there? That's the old Arcadian Hotel. Fun fact... While today its neoclassical fenestration is considered to be... (the driver suddenly pulls the breaks)
Robin: So, is this ride your way of apologizing for this morning?
Barney: I'm sorry. I never apologize. And why would I?
Robin: Are you kidding me?
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: Hey, Barney, can I talk to you?
Barney: Sure. Stand a little more this way. I'm scouting some talent. Pretend we're talking about something important.
Robin: Oh, well, this... This is something important. Um, I'm having a... A really rough time at work. You know, the whole Becky thing...
Barney: Oh, you know what? That's just getting distracting. Um, say "carrots and peas". Carrots and peas. Guys, I can't stop staring at that girl's face.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: What, you really had something to talk about?
Robin: Yes. Look, I've spent the last,six years in this city, focusing on my career, all for nothing. Some lady almost got me k*lled. Maury Povich stole my cab. I swear, this city is starting to reject me like a bad organ transplant. You know, everyone keeps saying that I'm not a real New Yorker. Well, maybe I should just stop trying.
Barney: Robin, I had no idea.
Robin: No, it's my fault for thinking that you might care. Ranjit, stop the car.
Ranjit: Stopping the car.
Barney: No, don't stop the car.
Ranjit: Not stopping the car.
Robin: Seriously, stop the car.
Ranjit: Seriously stopping the car.
Barney: Look, you... Wait, wait... Robin, hold on. If you want to talk, I'm right here.
Robin: Carrots and peas.
Barney: Don't... You...
(Robin steps out of the car)
Ranjit: I'll crank up the smooth jazz.
Marshall is stopped at a pedestrian red light, waitin for it to turn green
Folk singer: * Our hero's strength was fading fast just as the light turned... green. He then thought back to all the times he'd lost to a machine. The cable box is fearsome but the stapler's mighty sting... The cable box's bite again... Getting too tired to sing. *
(Barney steps out of his car and follows Marshall)
Ted: Uses a hybrid steel tube structure...
Ted from 2030: Kids, that day, I had a horrible realization. If you can't spot the crazy person on the bus...It's you. (Ted steps out of the bus) The good news is, I was halfway there, and nothing could stop me.
They all arrive at the same time
Marshall: Whoa! This is crazy.
Robin: I can't believe it.
Ted: Okay, this is clearly a sign. Let's just call it a tie. Forget about the race. Head back to the bar.
(Everyone goes on its side)
Ted from 2030: Just like that, the race was back on.
Lily jumps into the subway train
Maury Povich: Idiot.
Ted from 2030: Meanwhile, one subway car over...
Robin is also in the subway train
(A man points toward the poster showing Becky. Robin get it off, and finds, underneath, a poster of her and Don)
Robin: Oh, God. Oh, bite me!
Barney is in a pedicab
Barney: Faster. Mush! Mush! I need this win. I need this win.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: And f*ring half my department freed up the money to double my own salary. And this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night, and I'm getting more muscular, even though I've stopped working out, and I've got this amazing poker group.
Ted from 2030: Actually, Barney did not need a win.
Barney: And I smell incredible. Smell me. Just, seriously, smell me.
Ted from 2030:He did smell incredible.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Stop! Too slow. Switch.
Lily steps out of the train and joins Robin
Lily: Sweetie? Are you okay?
Robin: No. I am done with this city. It wins. I just want to move somewhere new and start over.
Lily: You've had a rough year. But you're tough. And I love you like crazy. If you left, I'd have to follow you. And Marshall would follow me. And Ted would follow him. The only upside is that we might get rid of Barney. Bring it in.
Robin: What did he say?
Lily: No clue. Hey, is that Maury Povich?
(Lily runs out of the train )
Robin: Hey! Lily.
Lily: Sorry, sweetie. I swear I'll be a great friend at the finish line, but the conductor just said you're going express to Borough Hall, which means you're screwed, sweetie. So long, sucker. (the doors of the train opens) Damn it. (she makes a phone call) Hey, it's Lily. Help me.
Ted is running with Marshall
Ted: And not a single passenger would listen to me. I mean, am I a bad teacher? Do I just put people to sleep?
(Marshall falls down)
Man, in a calculator display: Buddy? Hey, buddy? Need a hand?
Marshall: The machines have won! he machines have won.
Man: Dude, mellow.
Marshall: I can't do it. I can't run that far. I can't outrace anything. I... I can't... I can't get my wife pregnant!
Ted: Wait. Is that what this whole stupid running thing has been about?
Marshall: My body has been letting me down, and I just wanted to prove that it could still do something, but it can't.
Ted: Dude, you've been trying for two months, not two years. That's nothing.
Marshall: Well, you should talk. You know, you're the one who's freaking out because you have one mediocre review and, like, 50 great ones.
Ted: 64. But whatever.
Marshall: And you're designing a frickin' building. I mean, come on, dude.
Man: Sounds like you guys need to clear everything, subtract the negativity, and add some perspective.
(Ted and Marshall throw the man down. Lily arrives in a car)
Lily: Marshall! Marshall, get in!
Ranjit: Hello.
Barney, Ted and Robin arrive at the same time
Ted: There it is.
Robin: Where are Marshall and lily?
Barney: Who cares?
(They start running, Ted and Barney fall down while Robin keeps on running)
Robin: I won? I won!
Barney: No!
Robin: I can't believe I won!
Barney: How did that even happen?
Ted from 2030: Here's how it happened.
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Okay, he's in. Go. Go. g*n it.
Ranjit: Ted is in the way.
Lily: Run him over.
Ranjit: Running him over.
Marshall: No. Lily, what the hell is the matter with you?
Lily: Nothing. I just want to win this really badly. So badly that I just ditched my best friend when she needed me.
Marshall: Oh, baby, you were also going to run over Ted.
Lily: Why did I get so crazy about this?
Marshall: Maybe for the same reason that I kept saying that I could run seven miles. I... I'm trying to be really, um, confident and positive about all this, but, baby, I'm really scared that we're not pregnant yet.
Lily: Oh, thank God. I keep thinking there's something wrong with me.
Marshall: I keep thinking there's something wrong with me.
Lily: It's only been two months.
Marshall: We are crazy.
Lily: We're totally crazy.
Marshall: This is the last time it's ever going to be just the two of us. Shouldn't we be enjoying that?
Lily: We gotta go back to Paris.
Marshall: And take ballroom dancing.
Lily: And really learn how to ski. Not just up and get faced in the lodge.
Marshall: And see Coney Island. I've still never been. See, we have a whole bucket list of things to do before we start having kids.
Lily: Oh, a cradle list.
Marshall: I'm... So glad we're trying, and I'm going to be really excited for when it happens, but this isn't a race.
Lily: It isn't a race.
Marshall: Ranjit, screw Gregor's. Let's go to Coney Island.
Ranjit: Screwing Gregor's. Going to Coney Island.
Ted from 2030: As for how Robin b*at me and Barney, to this day, your uncle Barney won't admit it... Who cares? But here's what I saw: I saw Barney notice Robin's face... And maybe realize something. Barney says he tripped, but it sure felt like he tackled me on purpose. And when Robin won, I could have sworn I saw him smile.
Robin: I won!
Barney: No!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin is at the restaurant with Max
Robin: So I said, "the cab, of course"
Ted: I know what you did back there.
Barney: Yeah. Check it. I just drove a pedicab 26 blocks, and I still smell incredible. Smell me.
Ted: I'm not gonna... Not gonna...
Barney: Smell me.
Ted from 2030: He did smell incredible.
Robin: Wait a minute. So, where is Woody Allen?
Max: He's right there.
Robin: Damn it, Max. That's Maury Povich.
Max: I always get those two confused.
Ted from 2030: Technically, there was only one winner that day. And in that race, everyone found exactly what they needed. It's true, she wouldn't see Woody Allen for another couple months, but that's how Robin became, by just about any definition of the term... A real New Yorker.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x04 - Subway Wars"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, in the fall of 2010, I was designing the new headquarters for Goliath National Bank, which meant working side by side with your Uncle Barney.
Barney's office
Ted: I love your idea about a giant rooftop ring of f*re you can jump through with a motorcycle, but I tweaked it slightly and... This is still super bad-ass. It's now a patio garden where you can bring a nice bag lunch.
Barney: Sick. Yeah. Dude. Working together is gonna be legen... Wait for it. I'll send you an inter-office memo with the rest 'cause we freakin' work together!
Ted from 2030: Everything was going great. That is, right up until Barney said...
Barney: Oh, big news. The board finally settled on a site for the building.
Ted from 2030: It was the site of The Arcadian, one of New York's grandest old hotels. In its heyday, it was the New York home to kings and queens. But lately... mostly just queens.
The Arcadian
tr*nsv*stite: Hi, handsome. Lookin' for a date?
Ted: Uh, no, thank you. Still got it.
Barney's office
Ted: Barney, we have to talk.
Barney: Sure. What's up?
Barney's Secretary: Excuse me, Mr. Stinson.
Barney: Not now, Trish!
Barney's Secretary: But there's an urgent memo for Mr. Mosby.
Ted: "Dary."
Barney: Legendary! So, what's on your mind?
Ted: I can't design the building.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Lily's and Marshall's bedroom
Marshall: Oh, yeah.
Lily: Oh, baby. No, no. Not the slipper socks with the rubber soles. I work so hard to-to set the mood, and-and when I see those, I feel the egg go right back up my Fallopian tube.
Marshall: Baby, these satin sheets are slippery. Papa needs traction.
Lily: Traction?
Marshall: As you know, Papa likes to get down with enthusiasm.
Lily: Please stop calling yourself "Papa."
Marshall: And without traction, Papa's likely to boogie himself right out of bed. It's either these or soccer cleats.
Lily: Hey, so I talked to Robin. I guess she and Max hooked up last night.
Ted from 2030: Kids, as you may remember, Max was a friend of Marshall's from law school... with whom Robin was really starting to h*t it off.
Marshall: Nice! I love that guy. Max is both his name and his level of awesomeness.
Lily: Yeah. He's a sweet guy. She feels really comfortable with him. They bonded over hockey. I guess he has a small penis, but they want to double-date next weekend.
Marshall: Why would you tell me that?
Lily: So you'll clear your schedule.
Marshall: No! The other part!
Lily: Oh, the small penis thing?
Marshall: Ah! Don't! Stop saying that! Why do you keep saying that? You... I don't want to know that. I'm not going to be able to look the guy in the eye. I'm certainly not going to be able to call him "Max."
Lily: That's insane. I mean, just because you know Max has a small penis...
Marshall: Just don't!
The Bar
Barney: You're kidding me.
Ted: I'm sorry. I can't do this if it means tearing down The Arcadian. It's an architectural landmark. Plus, people live there. How does GNB plan to get hundreds of residents to just up and leave?
Barney: Snakes.
Ted: Did you just say "snakes"?
Barney: I don't recall saying "snakes". Ted, I know you love crappy old stuff no one cares about. But I'm gonna give you four words to live by: New is always better.
Ted: New is always better?
Barney: You know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.
Ted: Mm-hmm? And this theory applies to everything?
Barney: Everything.
Ted: So, those new Star Wars movies... Those are better than the old ones?
Barney: Yeah. The first three barely mention the intricacies of intergalactic trade law.
Ted: And when you're at a g*n n' Roses concert, you're like, "Yeah, yeah, Paradise City, whatever. When are they gonna rock me some Chinese Democracy"?
Barney: Axl's really matured as a songwriter, Ted.
Ted: Wendy! I'd like to buy my friend a drink. What's your oldest Scotch?
Wendy: Glenmckenna, aged 30 years in oak casks.
Ted: Amazing. And what's your newest scotch?
Wendy: Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch. Don't let it touch your skin.
Ted: Your call, buddy.
Barney: A glass of the J-Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch sounds lovely. Lots of ice. New is always better, Ted! That's a rule. Just like bigger is always better!
(Marshall and Lily come in)
Marshall: Pff. That's not true. Uh, sometimes smaller is better. "Hey, look how big my cell phone is!" You don't hear people say that. No. You want something compact and efficient that fits comfortably in your pocket, and I think Max is just a great guy.
Robin: Lily told you.
Ted: Told him what?
Lily: Max has a small penis.
Barney: How can you speak of such things?
Robin: Girls talk about everything.
Lily: Size, shape, left or right leaning orientation...
Robin: Length, resemblance to a historical figure, such as Winston Churchill... Yes, that's one of you. Girth, grooming...
Barney: How can you speak of such things?
Lily: You're kidding. Barney, every time I mention a woman you don't know, the first thing you say is, "Boobs?" Not the complete sentence, "Does she have big boobs?" Which also would not be great. Just: "Boobs?"
Barney: I do not do that.
Lily: My friend Lori from work...
Barney: Boobs? Damn it. But... seriously. Boobs?
Lily: So why is it okay for guys to talk about boobs, but the moment we bring up a topic like Max's small penis... I'm gonna pretend this conversation never happened.
Marshall: Impossible. Max's penis is stuck in my brain like a splinter. Like a splinter-sized splinter.
Barney: Speaking of disappointing weenies... Ted, tell them what you told me.
Ted: I want to ask the board at GNB to move the site for the new headquarters so we don't have to tear down a classic old building.
Barney: I still don't get this. Why, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, do you want to ruin... Wait a minute. Who's the girl?
Robin: Duh. Of course there's a girl.
Ted: What? I... There's no g-girl. Why would you even... Her name is Zoey.
Barney: Boobs?
[FLASHBACK]
(Ted is looking at the Arcadian when a woman stops next to him)
Woman: Beautiful building, right?
Ted: Look, mister, you are very convincing, and I am very flattered. Confused, even. But I'm not looking...
Woman: I'm not a drag queen. But you definitely have me rethinking this eye shadow.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Not only is she funny, hot and genetically female, but get this...
[FLASHBACK]
Woman: Look at the Palladian windows, the rusticated stonework, the marble cornices...
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: She's an architecture nerd! A hot architecture nerd! That's the dream!
Barney: Whose dream?
Ted: We wound up talking for hours.
[FLASHBACK]
Woman: I love how old parts of the city are. Hmm. It makes me feel connected to history.
Ted: Old is always better. I can't wait to be old.
Woman: Me, too. You can wear elastic everything. Your lipstick doesn't have to stay inside the lines.
Ted: You can shoplift and pretend you're just confused.
Woman: You could nap anywhere. Uh-huh. Even while driving. It's gonna be great. I can't wait to be all run-down and weathered and wrinkly.
Ted: Well, I'd say you got a pretty long wait.
Woman: That's sweet. It would be sweeter if you hadn't thought I was a tr*nny before, but it's still sweet.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Oh, Ted, that's so romantic. I want to fill a pillowcase with d*ad batteries and b*at you with it.
[FLASHBACK]
Woman: Hey, Ted, can I ask you something
Ted: Anything.
Woman: Will you sign this petition? Save The Arcadian" We are gonna stop the bastards at Goliath National Bank from demolishing it. Will you support us?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: And you said...?
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Where do I sign?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Hmm. Grape scotch. Not bad. Ted, you only think The Arcadian needs to be saved because some pretty girl thinks that. And seriously... Boobs?
Ted: This isn't about the girl. It's about the building.
Barney: And what did this "Zoey" say when she found out that you're the one tearing down her beloved Arcadian? That you, Ted Mosby, are the Architect Of Destruction?
Marshall: Whoa! Sweet wrestling name alert.
Ted: Well... Uh, it's a... it's a funny thing about that...
[FLASHBACK]
Zoey: So what do you do, Ted?
Ted: I'm a veterinarian.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: What? I panicked!
Barney: This whole Arcadian thing is classic Mosby. Changing your personality to fit some girl.
Ted: I don't do that.
[FLASHBACKS]
Ted: Well, off to meet Steph. We're adrenaline junkies! [...]Penelope is taking me to the Battle of Gettysburg. We're gonna eat squirrel! [...] (Ted enters the living room, dressed up as a wizard) Look, she's really hot, okay?
[END OF FLASHBACKS]
Ted: Aww! Come on! Come on! We all change a little for whoever we're into. Barney pretended to be a rabbi to get laid.
Barney: Asian girls love them some Jews.
Ted: And Marshall never would've listened to The Indigo Girls if it weren't for Lily.
Lily: Um, I think you got that backwards there, Chief.
Marshall: And you're welcome.
Ted: The point is, you weren't pretending to like the Indigo Girls for the other person. You realized you liked them because of the other person. Just like me, Zoey and The Arcadian. Did GNB really put snakes in The Arcadian?
Barney: No. Technically, they were eggs.
Ted: Did you just say "eggs"?
Barney: I don't recall saying "eggs."
The restaurant
Max: So I walk into my boss's office and suddenly I realize, "Holy crap, I'm about to quit""
Marshall, thinking: Small penis. You have a small penis. Oh, that's super interesting, but you have a small penis. Damn it, Marshall! Okay. Okay. Think of any two words other than "small" or "penis". Got it: small penis. Damn it!
Robin: Yeah, I-I think it is so cool that you started your own law firm.
Max: Well, right now it's a pretty small practice.
Marshall: Hey, hey. I bet it's not that small.
Max: Bro, it's... pretty small.
Marshall: Yeah, but, uh, you know what they say. The important thing is-is how you use it, you know? "The motion of the ocean." That whole thing.
Robin: He said it's small, Marshall, and everybody's fine with that. Let's just move on.
Marshall: I'm just saying that I bet it's bigger than he thinks. And thick.
Max: Nah. Everything about it is tiny. The office is tiny. The conference room is tiny. Plus, I got a very small staff.
Robin: Let's order!
Ted's appartment
Ted from 2030: As I was mustering the courage to call Zoey and tell her my true identity...
Ted: Zoey... I'm Batman. Hmm. That'd be cool.
Ted from 2030:...the strangest thing happened.
(Someone is knocking at the door)
Zoey: I need your help. (They go outside. Zoey opens the back doors of a truck) Just to warn you. What I'm about to show you is not a hundred percent legal.
Ted: Wasn't expecting bunnies.
Zoey: I stole them, Ted. My animal rights group liberated these guys from an evil cosmetics company. And I figured, "Hey, Ted's a vet. He can check them out and make sure they're okay."
Ted: Absolutely. Just let me run up and get my bag of vet supplies. Okay. Why would I say that?
The restaurant
Max: Well, I know what I'm getting.Oh? Oh?The porterhouse. I've had it here before. It is like this. It's huge.
Marshall: Well, spare no expense, buddy. Dinner is on me, and-and get dessert. Maybe this molten chocolate lava cake? I just want you to be happy.
Max: Thanks, man. Next time, it is on me. Aw. Excuse me. I'll be right back. All right.
Robin: Totally.
Marshall: We'll just be here. (He gives a hug to Max)You're great.
Max: Ah. Thanks, bro. It's, uh.... it's going on a while.
Marshall: I know.
Max: Thanks.
Lily: Damn, baby, be cool!
Robin: You're acting like he has six months to live.
Marshall: It's your fault! You ladies and your salty sailor talk!
Robin: Oh, come on! What about you men and your locker room talk?
Marshall: Locker room talk. Do you want to know what it's like in a men's locker room?
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: It's just a bunch of uncomfortable dudes trying to get out of there as quickly as possible. And one old guy just letting it all hang out.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Are you suggesting that guys don't talk about sex?
Marshall: Yes, we do, but you know what we say? "I h*t that.""I got some.""I tapped it." "I squeezed those." Discreet and efficient.
Robin: Not to mention classy.
Marshall: Thank God that I'm not dating. If I thought that Lily talked in that much detail about our sex life, I'd probably k*ll myself. Oh, no. What did you tell her?
Lily: Oh, nothing. We don't talk about you!
Marshall: Are you sure?
Robin: Yeah. That argument has no traction whatsoever.
At the back of Zoey's truck
Ted: You just broke in and stole these guys? Aren't you worried about getting arrested?
Zoey: Nah. I've been arrested lots of times. Chinese Democracy.
Ted: Wow. You're a little bit crazy.
Zoey: Well, I'm usually crazy for a good cause. I can't just sit by while voiceless people or animals, r even buildings et screwed over. 'm certainly not going o just sit by hile GNB turns The Arcadian nto a soulless metal box.
Ted: Yeah. Yeah. Although I hear there's a lovely rooftop patio where folks can enjoy a nice bag lunch, so...
Zoey: Ted, I will find the bastards at GNB responsible for this, and I promise you, I will take them down.
Barney's office
Barney: Ted, this woman is an anarchist, a sociopath, a lunatic, and for the love of God, boobs?!
Ted: Solid C-cup, perky bounce.
Barney: Momentary grudging respect.
Ted: Zoey does what she believes is right, and I want to do the same thing. We have to find a new site for this building.
Barney: Ted, that is never gonna happen.
Ted: Well, I can't tear down The Arcadian. I'm sorry, but I'm off the project.
In the street
Zoey: Hey, guys! I appreciate the great turnout, but just so we're all on the same page, this is not a rally to legalize marijuana.
Man: Oh, bummer!
Ted: Hey.
Zoey: Hey, Ted. I'm so glad you came.
Ted: Well, you really got to me the other night. I want to get involved with "Save The Arcadian."
Zoey: Great. I'll grab you a picket sign. Hmm. Do you want "GNB puts the douche in fiduciary.."...or "It's always 4:20 somewhere"? Dudes, you forgot your signs!
Ted from 2030: As I looked up at that magnificent old structure, I realized I wasn't letting my feelings for Zoey mislead me. This building really was worth saving.
Zoey: Ted, everything okay? Yea... um... um... You work for GNB?
Man: Dude, why are you dressed like a wizard?
Ted: She was really hot, okay?
The appartment
(Barney is on the couch, holding a rabbit)
Ted: How the hell could you do that?
Barney: Simple. I rented the chair. The bunny was here already. That was lucky. I waited to do the dramatic swivel until I heard your key enter the door.
Ted: The billboard, Barney.
Barney: I had to. Now that you have no sh*t with the girl, you'll realize you never cared about the building, and everything can go back to normal.
Ted: You're wrong. I do care. And I'm still quitting.
Barney: Don't you get it, Ted? We're tearing down The Arcadian either way. It's a stupid old piece-of-crap, run-down, snake-infested dump!
Ted: Okay, are there or aren't there snakes?!
Barney: Who mentioned snakes?! And stop shouting! You're scaring Cottontail.
Ted: You named the rabbit?
Barney: You took longer to get here than I thought, we bonded, I'm keeping her. The point is, you now have a chance to design your own building. Dude, you can do whatever you want with it.
Ted: You're right. You're right. I can design it however I want.
Barney: So you're back in?
Ted: Yeah.
Ted from 2030: That night, as I worked on a new design that just might solve all my problems... Marshall was visited by a disturbing vision.
Lily's and Marshall's bedroom
(Marshall is thinking about what Robin and Lily couuld talk about)
Lily: Ugh, he thinks I like this...But it feels disgusting.
Robin: Uh, it looks disgusting.
Marshall: Uh, is this working for you?
Lily: "Uh, is this working for you?"
Robin: Oh, of course, because what woman doesn't like being slobbered on while some giant paws at her nether regions like Lenny from Of Mice and Men?
Lily: Oh, you're bad.
Robin: More Cosmos?
Marshall: I can't... I can't do this! I can't stop thinking about you and Robin!
Lily: Oh, I've had that a couple times. Just lean into it and let it fuel things.
Marshall: Look, no. You know what? Why don't you just... Why don't you just call Robin, okay, and have a good laugh about it? Whoa! Traction could have prevented that.
At the Arcadian
Zoey: Well, hope you don't mind, we made some changes to the billboard.
Ted: Well, that explains a few voicemails. Listen, Zoey, I think we can save The Arcadian. No. Maybe not in the way you were picturing, but I stayed up all night working on a new concept, all right? What if my design could incorporate The Arcadian's facade into the new GNB headquarters?
Ted from 2030: Kids, it was one of those moments in life where everything comes together... the girl, the building, everything, until...
Ted: Are you married?
Zoey: Yeah. So you were saying, the facade will be completely preserved?
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: This isn't about the girl. It's about the building.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Yeah, it was about the girl.
Zoey: Ted, wh-wh-what are you doing?
Ted: This wouldn't work. Zoey, The Arcadian was a really great building once, but it's falling apart, and it's full of snakes.
Zoey: Snakes?
Ted: I don't recall saying snakes.
Lily is on the phone
Lily: Then he gets this panicked look on his face, says, "I can't do this," and storms out.
Robin: Wow, that is weird.
Lily: But here's the crazier part.
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: No. You know what? Papa don't back down from a fight. So why don't you tell Robin... about this!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: It was amazing. He was passionate, animalistic, a complete stud.
Robin: Wow. So he's right there making you say all this, huh?
Lily: Yup. "'You're like a Greek god, I moaned, as the..." I can't read that, baby.
Marshall: "Musky scent of man."
Lily: "As the musky scent of man and Marshall's sure-footed traction intoxicated and overpowered me."
Robin: That sounds real.
Ted's appartment
Ted from 2030: And as for Zoey, it was funny. I'd lied to her, then completely let her down. And I barely knew the girl. But there was something about her. I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever see her again.
(An egg comes crashing on the window)
Zoey: Hey, Mosby! You're gonna have to come out of your hole at some point, you son of a bitch! Yeah! Legalize it! Dude! Ready. Aim. f*re!
Ted from 2030: Why, yes. Yes, I would see her again.
The lockroom
Marshall: How's it going with Robin?
Max: Uh, I think I have to break up with her.
Marshall: Really? Why? You with her?
Max: Yeah, well, there's this... kind of weird thing she likes to do in the bedroom.
Ted: Hey, what's not for everyone?
Marshall: Guys, come on. What is it?
Max: Come on, bro. This is a locker room.
Marshall: I... What do you think it was, Murray?
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x05 - Architect of Destruction"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, in the fall of 2010, our friends Stuart and Claudia had a baby, and Marshall and Lily were the first to visit the happy new parents.
Marshall's and Lily's friends' appartment
Marshall: So, have you guys landed on a name yet?
Stuart: We're trying, but it's tougher than you think. You see, I like "Tiffany."
Claudia: And I don't want my daughter to have a whore's name.
Stuart: That's my mother's name.
Claudia: I know.
Stuart: Oh, I got it. How 'bout we name the baby after you-- "Frigid Shrew."
Claudia: Oh, that's good. No, no, no, no. Let's call her "Vodka." Then at least we know you'd hold her tight and never let her go!
Stuart: Don't knock the vodka. Wouldn't have a kid without it.
Marshall: Stuart, you are so... That's not gonna be us, right? I mean, how hard can it be to name a baby?
Lily: Right? I mean, just look at her. Yeah. She's clearly a...
Marshall: Emily.
Lily: Lisa.
Marshall: Lisa?!
Lily: Emily?!
[OPENING CREDITS]
The Bar
Marshall: Okay! I made a list of awesome baby names. Starting at the top: number one...
Ted: I'm gonna stop you right here, Marshall. You name a chubby white kid "LeBron," and he's the one getting stuffed in the basketball hoop.
Marshall: Then I'm also crossing off, um, "Shaquille"... Mm-hmm. "Hakeem," and "Dikembe." Hey, what about "Rob"?
Lily: "Rob"? No.
Marshall: Why not?
[FLASHBACK]
(Lily is in class)
Lily: Hey, Rob. What are you gonna make? A turkey?
(Rob puts his hand on Lily's breast)
Rob: Honka, honka!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Not "Rob."
Marshall: um, how about "Ryan"?
Ted: Ooh.
[FLASHBACK]
(all screaming, Lily has a something stuck in her leg)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Not "Ryan."
Marshall: "Johnny?"
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Hey, where's the goldfish?
(A child is eating the fish)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Not "Johnny." Or "Gil."
Marshall: "Jeremy."
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Jeremy, no!
(Jeremy is throwing paint around the room)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Definitely not "Jeremy." His stuff was so derivative.
(Robin comes in and sits next to Ted)
Marshall: Well, I mean, geez, Lily.
Robin: Well, whatever you do, do not name your baby "Becky," right?
Marshall: Why? What?
Robin: Becky. My new co-anchor? Don't you guys ever watch the show?
Lily: Oh, honey, I really try.
Marshall: Our DVR won't recognize it as a television program.
Ted: I watched. Robin insisted I confirm how "awful" Becky is, so last night I checked it out.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: Peace talks in the region have been described as, "productive." Becky?
Becky: (in baby voice): Last night, in Staten Island, a taco cart owner was robbed at g*n. Aww... That's so sad.
Robin: Becky, we're-we're journalists. We can't get emotional about the news, we...
Becky: Oh, no! They stole all his money and then pelted him with his own taco meat! Who would do that?
Robin: Well, if you read the story, we might find out.
Becky: Oh, can I do this one, about the horse? I love horseys. Mm-hmm. Aww, the horse died. Guys! This news is all really sad.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Okay, no holds barred-- what'd you think of Becky?
Ted: Mmm... (muttering) I thought she was charming.
Robin: You, too? Can somebody please explain to me why the little girl act works on men?
Barney: You want the long version or the short version?
Lily: Short version.
Barney: Short version. Who's your daddy?
Lily: You know, when you think about that, that phrase is really creepy.
Marshall: No, it's not. It's fun. Here, watch this. Hey, Lily... Who's your daddy?
Robin: Okay, uh, let me get this straight. So, in, uh, in this scenario, because you make such sweet love to Lily, she is now your daughter.
Marshall: No, she is not my daughter. I'm just her daddy.
Ted: Wow. That is disgusting.
Robin: Exactly. And it's not like the opposite would work. There's no way a guy could pick up a girl, going around talking like a little boy.
Barney: Challenge accepted.
Robin: No.
Barney: I, Barney Stinson, will pick up a girl whilst talking like a little boy.
(all grumbling in protest)
Lily: Okay. Here's my list of baby names.
Marshall: Oh.
Lily: What about "Tara"?
Marshall: No. Not "Tara." Tara was the hottest girl in my high school. We were all, like, obsessed with her.
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: We didn't just talk about her and fantasize about her... We wrote songs about her.
Marshall and his friends, singing: * Tara, your booty is so smooth; And I hope this isn't rude; But I want to get up on it. *
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Not "Tara."
Lily: What about "Esther"?
[FLASHBACK]
Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Coming up on the main stage, give it up for Esther!
Marshall: Oh. Oh. Hey, Barney. That prime rib was surprisingly good, but it's 10:30 in the morning. I don't need to see a lady get naked and dance.
Barney: Oh, Esther gets naked. But she doesn't dance.
Marshall: Then what does she do? Sweet mother nature!
Barney: That was my card!
Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Give it up for Esther!
(expl*sive pop, men cheering and whistling)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Not "Esther." I need a drink. Ted? Ted?
(Marshall and Ted go away)
Ted: Marshall, your list is entirely boy names. You do realize there's roughly a 50% chance of you having a daughter, right?
Marshall: Okay, honestly, I've never thought about having a girl. I don't want to think about having a girl. Tara, Esther -- can you imagine being one of those girls' dads?
(Marshall is visualizing high school boys singing a song for his daughter:
* Marshall's daughter; Your booty; Your booty's so smooth. *;
then in a club:
Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. On the main stage, give it up for Marshall's daughter.)
He screwed up my childhood. That's why I do this.
Marshall: I have no idea how to raise a daughter! What if she makes bad choices? I mean, what if she winds up dating some... Oh, God.
Marshall's daughter: Papa, I want you to meet my new boyfriend.
Barney: Hey, bro. Thanks for making such a hottie. (weak laughter) Who's your daddy?
Marshall's daughter:You are, 'cause of all the sex we have.
(Barney chuckles salaciously)
Marshall: I don't want a girl. I just want a little boy.
Ted: It's not what it sounds like, folks.
Marshall is on a visio conference with his parents
Marshall: Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Judy: Marshall? Is that you?
Marshall:Oh, okay, um... You guys, you're a little too close to the camera. Can you back up a bit?
Marvin: How's this?
Marshall: Every time. Um, can you just sit in front of the computer like normal human beings? Perfect! Perfect.
Marvin: What's up, sh**t?
Marshall: Um, to be honest, I'm getting a little freaked out about the idea of having a daughter. I know you two probably aren't the right people to talk to about this. You had all boys.
Marvin: Oh, well, that was just dumb luck. Hey, honey, would you get me a brewski from out of the shed?
Judy: Sure. You want anything, Marshall?
Marshall: I'm in a computer, Mom.
Judy: Oh.
Marvin: Yeah, all boys. Total co-winky-dink. It was no co-winky-dink. Since the Viking age, the Eriksen men have passed down ancient secrets for conceiving boys. Number one, avoid lemons. They're baby girl fertilizer.
Marshall: Okay... No offense, Dad, but I doubt there's any scientific data to support--
Marvin: "I doubt there's any scientific data to support.."" I had all sons. Your grandfather had all sons. Your great-grandfather had all sons. Scoreboard! Who you gonna listen to? Me? Or "scientific data"?
Robin's work place
Robin: Members of the G-8 convened today in Vienna to discuss plans to fight climate change by re... What?
Becky: Ask me what I did yesterday.
Robin: Hey, Becky, Becky, this is our news segment, okay? Nobody cares what you did yesterday.
Becky: Lighten up, Robin. (in baby voice): What'd you do, sweetheart?
Robin: Mike!
Becky: Well, I'm new in town and don't know many people. But yesterday, I met the sweetest man, who took me on a tour of the city. (whispering) Guys, New York is kind of cool.
Robin: Okay, back to the G-8 conference. Hello? Mike, can I get in the sh*t? Fantastic.
Becky: Then this cutie patootie took me to this bar called MacLaren's, right underneath his apartment.
Robin:Wait-- did you go out with Ted Mosby?
Becky: Yes! Guys, I went out with Robin's roommate. I saw her bedroom. (whispering) She's a messy Bessie.
Robin:In other news, later today, a Manhattan architect gets punched in the throat.
The Bar
Ted: Ow!
Robin: Ted, of all the women in New York, you had to go out with an eight-year-old girl?
Ted: Not what it sounds like, folks.
Robin: Ted, you know that I hate her. How could you go out on a date with this girl?
Ted: It wasn't a date. She came over to the apartment looking for you.
[FLASHBACK]
Becky: I made Robin my famous chocolate chip cookies. But instead of chocolate chips, I used gummie bears.
Ted: Aww...
Becky: (shrieks) A spider!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Let me guess: she acted like a helpless little girl, and you stepped in as the big, strong man.
Ted: I don't know if that's totally true.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: It's okay, little darlin'.
Becky: Poor spider.
Ted: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Spiders gotta die so trees can grow.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Then I held her tight and told her it was all gonna be okay. By the way, I think I only wounded the spider. It crawled off into my bedroom.
Robin: Wait. Is that why you slept on the couch last night?
Ted: (scoffing) Yeah, I slept.
Barney: I'm dying out here. Talking like a little boy is not working with the ladies.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: (in childlike voice) Wow, lady. You got some tig ol' bitties! Gosh! Your body's a perfect... this many. (To another girl) Hi. Do you want to wrestle with our special bathing suit places? Come on!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily's and Marshall's appartment
Marshall: Mm, I just need two seconds, baby.
Lily: I know you think that's a compliment, but I'd rather you took your time.
Marshall: No, um... I'll be right back.
(Marshall goes into the bathroom et takes a box from the bathtub)
[FLASHBACK]
Marvin: Ancient Norse wisdom tells us that, to sire a son, you must do three things right before you lay with your maiden. First, eat pickled herring. Eat it!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: This is ridiculous. (He imagines his daughter, pregnant et in a wedding gown)
ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, gentlemen, on the main stage, throwing her life away, give it up for Marshall's daughter!
The Bar
Barney: (little boy voice) Hey, want to have a three-way with me and my imaginary friend? His name's Otis. Hey, hey, want to come to my house and play telephone? I got the string; you got the cans. (giggles) I wet myself! Will you change me? Can't blame her on that one. Guys... I have some terrible, terrible news. I, Barney Stinson, can't pick up a girl whilst talking like a little boy. Challenge forfeited.
Robin: Yeah, we don't care about this...
Ted: No one challenged you, so it wasn't really a challenge.
Barney: (whispers) I'm sorry.
Man: Hey, Gerard, what's with that shirt? Nobody could pick up a chick wearing that thing.
Barney: Challenge accept...
Ted: Wow, I'm glad that's over. It was creepy watching Barney talk like a little kid.
Robin: Oh, but you find it irresistible when Becky does? I don't get it. The Ted that I went out with was attracted to the kind of woman who could use a steak Kn*fe without supervision.
Ted: For your information, Becky doesn't like steak, she likes pasghetti. Spaghetti. And more importantly, she makes me feel needed.
Robin: Needed? (scoffs) She makes training wheels feel needed.
Ted: Hey, it's nice to feel needed. And you know what? It's not a feeling guys get when they're with you.
[FLASHBACK]
Marvin: Son... Viking lore tells us that to ensure the continuation of your noble male lineage... get a big old bowl of ice and dunk your man sack right in there!
Judy: You two and your football.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Okay. (He dunks your man sack in a big old bowl of ice) Mm-hmm.
[FLASHBACK]
Marvin: Now get in there, point Lily due north and make me a grandson! Eriksen!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Eriksen!
(Marshall goes out of the bathroom)
The Bar
Robin: When we were dating, I... I didn't make you feel needed?
Ted: Come on! You always took charge of everything.
[FLASHBACK]
(Ted takes the pizza and is going to pay for it when Robin arrives)
Robin: I got this.
Ted: Thanks.
(Later, on the couch)
Ted: This okay? Am I hurting y...
Robin: I got this. Whoa!
(Later)
Ted: Someone's trying to break in-- call the cops.
(Robin comes out of the room, a g*n in her hand)
Robin: I got this.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Did that really bother you?
Ted: Well, yeah. It's nice to be needed. Look, I'm sorry. (phone chimes) I didn't mean to upset you. It's Becky. Aw, she's trapped in a revolving door.
Robin: I got this.
Ted: Yeah.
Lily's ans Marshall's bedroom
Marshall: (goofy voice) Let's make a baby!
Lily: Whoa! Baby, you're packing snowballs, and your breath smells like a mermaid fart.
Marshall: Loving the dirty talk-- but you know what's even hotter? If we face this-a-way. Ooh, we're bad.
Lily: Wait... hey, baby, why are you facing me north? You're trying to make us have a boy.
Marshall: I... can ex... How do you know about the north thing? Um, um... And what are you doing with those lemons?
[FLASHBACK]
Marvin: Baby girl fertilizer!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: You're trying to make us have a girl! You are trying to make us have a girl.
Lily: All my least favorite students have been boys. So I Googled "how to make a girl some really weird stuff came up but finally, I found this conception Web site that said you should point south at the moment of conception... eat a lemon......and heat up your lady parts to a balmy 105 degrees. (blow-dryer whooshing) Ooh... ah... Oh, that's not bad.
Marshall: Lily, how could you do... exactly the same thing I did? You're supposed to be the sane one.
Lily: See that? Another boy expecting a woman to clean up his mistakes. That's why girls are way better than boys.
Marshall: Oh, really. Well, then how come whenever there's a creepy kid in a horror movie it's always a little girl? Or twin girls, who speak... (eerily): in unison.
Lily: Oh, well, what about Chucky?
Marshall: Okay, A) He was a doll; B) He was possessed by an adult serial k*ller; and C) How could you bring up Chucky right before bed?
Robin is at Barney's door
Robin: Hey.
Barney: Hey.
Robin: Hey. Um, when we were dating, did... did I make you feel needed?
Barney: No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.
Robin: That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry.
Barney: Wait, where are you... That's a compliment. You are the least needy woman I've ever met-- that's awesome. I mean, no guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky. You're your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a g*n blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most... amazing, strong... independent woman I've ever banged.
Robin: Thanks, Barney. You know, um... there's something that I wanted to ask you, and I don't really know how to say it so... here goes. Who's the crazy chick in the apron?
Woman: (baby voice) Someone naughty left his toys on the floor and needs to be spanked on his tushy-tush.
Barney: (baby voice): Uh-oh, I'm in "twubble."
Woman: You did it? How?
Barney: Last night, after admitting defeat, I just let myself go.
[FLASHBACK]
(Barney is eating an icecream at the bar)
Woman: Mmm, that looks so good. Can I have some?
Barney: No! It's my ice cream; you can't have any.
Woman:(baby voice) Someone needs to teach you how to share. Who's your mommy?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Challenge completed! (chuckles) Now, uh, can you get this freak out of here? I'm really scared.
Robin: I got this.
At Stuart's and Claudia's
Lily: Oh, so you finally agreed on a name?
Claudia: Uh, well,vthe other night she ran a really high fever.
[FLASHBACK]
(Stuart and Claudia are taking their girl to the hospital)
Stuart: We rushed her to the emergency room at 3:00 in the morning, but they wouldn't admit her without a name. Right then and there, we realized how stupid we were being.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Claudia: We looked at each other and, well, we just knew. Our baby's name is... Esther.
Marshall: Esther? That's beautiful.
Lily is throwing the lemons
Lily: We're idiots.
Marshall: Baby, names and gender, it's just, like... it's some way of giving ourselves the illusion that we have any control whatsoever. I- I just want a healthy, happy, 12-pound--
Lily: Whoa.
Marshall: Ten-pound? Eight-pound?
Lily: I guess, but, dude, you're writing checks my vagina can't cash.
Marshall: I love you. And I'm gonna love the crap out of whatever baby we have.
Lily: Me, too.
Marshall: You know what? We should just think of a name that's good for either a girl or a boy. Like, um...
Marshall & Lily: Jamie.
Lily: Marshall... we just named our baby. Jamie.
The Bar
Lily: Not Jamie.
(Lily leaves the bar. She has two hand prints on her ass)
Ted is offering an ice cream to Becky
Ted: Shoe's untied. I got it. Yeah, this is over.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x06 - Baby Talk"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted's class
Ted: And so, due to one architectural oversight, the Toledo Bridge Disaster of 1906 claimed the lives of 75 people. Now, I hate to stop while I'm on a roll, but happy Halloween, ya crazies!
(class cheering)
Student #1: Hey, Professor Brosby, you gonna come get beers with us later?
Ted: Nah, I got a thing. But you kids have fun trick or treating. This is a treat.
Student #2: You're the coolest, Professor Mosby. Well, hot dog.
(class laughs)
At the GNB halloween party
Lily: Did it hurt?
Ted: What?
Lily: Getting that kid's nose surgically removed from your ass.
Ted: It's not her nose that's in my ass, Lily, it's her heart. My class loves me; I-I'm really making an impression on those guys. I'd like to make impression on those guys.
Barney: Man, I love the office Halloween party. It is so much sluttier than the office Christmas party. Though not as freaky as the office President's Day Rave. Or the office Tu B'Shvat Pajama Jammy-Jam.
Randy: Hey, guys.
Marshall: Hey, Randy. Uh, you want a beer?
Randy: Oh, no, thank you. I brew my own. At the risk of bragging, my Hazelnut Pilsner won fourth prize at the Weehawken Retirement Home Clam Bake and Wheelchair Maintenance Picnic.
Barney: I wouldn't consider any part of that bragging.
Randy: Hey, it just occurred to me, is your friend, what's her name? Garbin, Flabin...
Ted: Robin?
Randy: Robin. That's it, yeah. Is she gonna be here? Oh, not that I really care.
Lily: Robin has another party to go to.
Randy: No! Damn it! I'm leaving.
Lily: But she might stop by later.
Randy: I guess I can hang out a little longer. So, anyone going to see the Halloween parade?
Ted from 2030: Oh, we were big fans of New York's annual Halloween parade. I don't mean the one that takes place Halloween night in the Village. I mean the one that takes place the morning of November 1st, the Annual Post Halloween Walk of Shame Parade.
On the porch of Ted's appartment
Marshall: Look at them heading home after their dirty, filthy hookups.
Barney: (shudders) Looks like that bee got busy.
Ted: Looks like that French maid didn't turn down somebody's bed.
Marshall: Oh, looks like Pocahontas has a couple of wounded knees.
Ted: Come on, Marshall.
Barney: That's a line.
Marshall: No, it's because of the...
Ted: We get it.
Barney: Does it get any better than this?
Ted: Uh, yes. (Robin arrives) Yes, it does.
Robin: Crap.
[OPENING CREDITS]
The Bar:
Barney: There she is Florence Night-In-Bed-With-A-Stranger.
Lily: So, who's the lucky patient?
Robin: I don't want to talk about it.
Ted: Please tell me you're not hooking up with one of your co-anchors again.
Robin: My co-anchor's a woman.
Barney: Please tell me you are hooking up with one of your co-anchors again. (laughing)
Ted from 2030: Robin had always believed that the key to success was intelligence, hard work and professionalism. Her new co-anchor Becky had a different philosophy.
[FLASHBACK]
(techno music playing)
Becky: Boats! Boats! Boats!
Announcer: It's the Farhampton Boat Show! Remember 5th, 6th and 7th at the Farhampton Civic Center. Come on down.
Becky: B-B-B-Boats!
Robin: You did a commercial?
Becky: Why not?
Robin: You're a journalist! Don't you want to be taken seriously?
Becky: No. I'm cute.
Robin: Okay, well, if you really think this is going to help your image.
Mike: Hi, Becky. Boats, boats, boats! Robin, a little help here?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Robin, you gotta not worry so much about being liked.
Robin: Oh, easy for you to say. Everybody loves you at your job.
Ted from 2030: That was true of my teaching job. But I was also designing the new headquarters for Goliath National Bank, and well...
Zoey: Ted Mosby, we don't like you! What do you have to say for yourself, tearing down a beautiful, old building just to put up a stupid band headquarters?
Ted: Hmm... Boo... freakin'... hoo.
Zoey: Boo freakin' hoo? That's it? The Arcadian is an architecturally significant...
Ted: Architecturally significant?! Zoey, you're very pretty. Your hair smells great.
Zoey: Shampoo. You should try it sometime.
Ted: You don't know the first thing about architecture.
Zoey: Key - Ted Mosby's car. Go on.
Ted: I'm a professor, okay? I teach this stuff at one of the best colleges in the country. I don't go down to your place of non-employment and lecture you about how your little protest is a misguided waste of time, except whoops, I just did. Ha-burn.
Zoey: Oh, good, the eggs are here.
Ted: Well, I should head up.
Ted from 2030: No, GNB was not popular. That's why every year they produced a feel-good video to improve the bank's image.
The GNB Headquarters
GNB announcer: What makes Goliath National Bank different from other big banks? Here at GNB, we care.
Barney: I care about our precious Earth.
Randy: I care about old people.
Man: I care about high-yield offshore investments. And so does Tugboat here. Isn't that right, Tugboat?
Marshall: Yeah. Okay, get that camera out of my face before I flip you like a cheese omelet.
Barney: All you have to do is say "I care about making dreams come true."
Marshall: First of all, that line makes me sound like a hooker and saying it makes me feel like a hooker, so.
Barney: Everyone is in this video. Randy's in the video.
Randy: I don't want to brag, but in 29 takes, I only threw up thrice.
Marshall: Wait. Randy, did you send the Hermanson contracts downtown?
Randy: I did. I sent them downtown. Why are you saying it like that?
Marshall: They never arrived at the downtown office.
Randy: They... Well, just to make sure we're on the same page is "send them downtown" not an expression for shredding a document?
Marshall: You shredded them?!
Randy: Yeah. I sent them downtown. You know, down into the shredder. You-you feed the paper in a downwards fashion, so that's where the expression comes from.
Marshall: That's not an expression! That has never been an expression!
Randy: Okay, I can fix this. I am all over this project.
Barney: I'll say this: There is no quit in that guy. You should f*re him.
Marshall: Okay, that, that right there. That attitude is exactly why I won't be in your video. Because GNB doesn't care. They hand out pink slips like they're hors d'oevres. Just last week, I was talking to Arthur...
[FLASHBACK]
Arthur: Oh, whoa, you're wearing a green tie now. I'm wearing a green tie.
(elevator bell dings)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: GNB treats people like they're disposable, and I will not be a part of that. Marshall Eriksen does not f*re people, period.
Randy: Uh, just want you to know, we are making good progress on this new project. (phone rings) Oh, you gentlemen keep talking, I will answer that. Marshall Eriksen's office. [...] Yeah, I can get that for you. [...] Just a second. Uh... bank. The "B" stands for bank. Okay, Mother, I'll see you tonight. Oh, yikes. I'd better get Mr. Messy a napkin. (loud clattering)
Marshall: Period.
The Bar
Lily: Just tell me who you slept with!
Robin: Lily, I don't want to get into it, okay?
Lily: Aha, it's someone we know. If it was some ding dong we didn't know, you'd just give me his name.
Robin: Fine. It's Bill Pepper.
Lily: Bill Pepper? Mm-hmm. Kind of a coincidence there happens to be a bill and a pepper shaker here on the table. Any chance you and Bill had a three-way with Fork Napkin? It's someone we know!
Ted's class
Ted: So, I'm assuming you all read the chapters on the Greek Revival architecture. Any questions?
Zoey: Yes. How do you sleep at night?
Ted: What are you doing here?
Zoey: It was recently made clear to me that I don't know the first thing about architecture, so here I am.
Ted: Very well, then, let's get started. (clears throat) Some examples of Greek Revival architecture...
Zoey: Ooh! Ooh! Is The Arcadian Greek Revival?
Ted: No.
Student: What's The Arcadian?
Zoey: Oh, it's just this beautiful, old building that Professor Mosby wants to tear down.
Student: What?! No, Professor Mosby loves old buildings. He wouldn't do that. Right, Ted?
Ted: Getting back to Greek Revival...
The bar
Ted: I lost them.
Lily: Look, you're new at teaching. In my kindergarten class, I have had plenty of troublesome students. Like Johnny Marley...
[FLASHBACK]
(boy shouting playfully)
Lily: Johnny? Johnny!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: He and that little stuffed horsey raised all kinds of hell. But I have a simple method for shutting down troublemakers. You know that '98 Taurus that's always parked outside? The one with the really annoying alarm?
(Robin and T'ed both mimick a long, complex car alarm blaring)
Ted: We're familiar with it.
Lily: Well, when a kid like Johnny acts up in my class...
[FLASHBACK]
(kids laughing and shouting playfully, when Lily starts mimicking a long, complex car alarm blaring)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Shuts them right up.
Ted: Lily, my students are adults, and I treat them that way. I'll just give them more candy and make them a mix CD. Problem solved.
Lily: Oh, baby, what's wrong?
Marshall: Something bad happened.
[FLASHBACK]
(knocking)
Marshall: Randy, hey, have you seen the...
Randy: Before you get to that, regarding the earlier project I was working on... Voilà!
Marshall: That's the Hermanson contract?
Randy: The Hermanson contract? Oh, man, this is the Filbert contract. Damn it! No... (He shredds the file once again) Anyway, what's your thing?
Marshall: I need the Filbert contract!
Randy: Well, I'll do what I can. But in my experience, twice shredded is fairly permanent.
Marshall: Sorry, Randy, but... this just isn't working out.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Marshall popped his cherry! Oh! Come on, Marshall, you have to admit, the guy was a disaster. I mean, it reflected badly on the company. He was an embarrassment. A huge embarrassment.
(pounds table)
Lily: You slept with Randy!
Robin: What?!
Lily: Why, it's elementary, my dear Scherbatson.
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Your co-host is getting super-popular because of her stupid commercial, "Boats! Boats! Boats!" So, when you arrived at the GNB party after we left, you were feeling vulnerable and drunk. Then, from across the not-so-crowded conference room, your eyes met. And as we all remember... Randy has a unique condition.
Robin: Yeah, your nose is bleeding like a faucet.
Randy: Oh, God, this happens every time I get an erection. I am so sorry.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: That's...exactly what happened.
Barney: See, Marshall, if getting fired is an execution, at least the guy had a last meal. I promise you, tomorrow you'll feel a lot better.
Randy's office
Marshall: Randy, hey, what's going on?
Randy: I just wanted to say no hard feelings.
Marshall: Thank you. So where you headed now?
Randy: Downtown. (Randy jumps into the shredder, Marshall wakes up)
Marshall: No!!
Lily: It's okay, baby.
Ted from 2030: It wasn't okay. So the next morning...
Marshall's boss' office
Marshall: Arthur, I'm here because I made a mistake. I fired Randy yesterday.
Arthur: That was a mistake. You should have fired him a year ago.
Marshall: No, sir, that is what's wrong with this company. How can we say "GNB Cares," and then turn around and treat someone like that? I mean, sure, he made a few mistakes but everybody makes mistakes. Like, like Tugboat here. Aw. I bet you he's made some mistakes. And you didn't f*re Tugboat, did you?
Arthur: No, I got him fixed, and he calmed down.
Marshall: Exactly-- kind of. Randy doesn't need to be fired. He needs to be fixed.
Arthur: Marshall, we do some pretty bad things around here, but I...
Marshall: No, sir, I'm saying instead of getting rid of someone when they screw up, we should... we should help them. We should nurture them.
Arthur: I changed the ice pack on his crotch every hour for three days. Wow, Eriksen, if you want to un-f*re Randy, I support you, because to come in here and say what you just said, well, you've got a couple things that Tugboat doesn't.
Ted's class
(angry shouting)
Ted: Guys, Prof Rock is a really good mix, okay?
Student: A piece of New York history is being torn down, and all you could say was "Boo freakin' hoo"?
Ted: Boo... freakin'...
Zoey: I may have mentioned our conversation over a session of hacky sack.
Ted: The one day I miss the sack circle, you guys sub her in?
Zoey: Why'd you miss? Too busy tearing down the Statue of Liberty?
Ted: No. I was returning a hot dog costume that you all enjoyed.
(angry shouting)
Ted from 2030: They were all turning against me, so I figured, what the hell.
(the shouting continues; Ted starts mimicking a long, complex car alarm blaring)
The Bar
Lily: And did it work?
Ted: Like gangbusters. We're buddies again. After class, we hacked a little sack to the thumpin' strains of my Prof Rock CD. And no, none of them had heard the Pixies B-side. Actually, none of them had heard of the Pixies. Or a B-side.
Randy: Hey, guys.
Barney: Uh-oh. I know that smile. Lily, there's no easy way to say this. Marshall's d*ad. Randy m*rder him.
Lily: No. I know why Randy is smiling. You're smiling because of Robin.
Randy: Robin? Like how I think about her when I'm in the shower?
Ted: I'm trying to eat here, buddy.
Lily: No. Because you slept with her on Halloween.
Randy: What? No. I went home, had a shower an-and went to bed.
Lily: You didn't sleep with her?
Randy: No. Even in the shower, the farthest we ever get is hugging.
Lily: So why are you smiling?
Randy: I'll tell you why.
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: This just isn't working out.
Randy, thinking: I'm fired. Great. This is the candle kiosk at the mall all over again. Wait a minute. I can get a severance check. If I don't shred it, I can use that money to start my own brewery. Imagine a beer with my name on it. Randy Wharmpiss, this is the best day of your life.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Randy: Thanks to that severance check, this time next year, you'll all be enjoying a frothy mug of Wharmpiss.
Marshall: Randy, great news! You're not fired!
Randy, wailing: No...!
Ted's class
(Ted enters an empty room)
Ted: Good morning, everybody... Where's my class?
Next to the Arcadian
(angry shouting)
Zoey: Hello, Professor. Ha-boom.
Marshall's office
Marshall: I got you your job back, Randy. I thought that you'd be happy.
Randy: But I don't belong here. I'm born to be a brewer! A... a hopsmeister!
Marshall: Well, then quit. No one's stopping you.
Randy: I-I can't. I need my severance check.
Marshall: Well, I'm sorry Randy, but that's called fraud.
Randy: It's not fraud. I'm just asking you to get me a lot of money to not work here and not tell anyone about it.
Marshall: Even if I wanted to f*re you, after my talk with Arthur...
Randy: Oh, come on, Arthur can't remember that.
Arthur, entering the room: Marshall, what a memorable talk we had yesterday. Randy, on behalf of everyone at GNB, both in and out of prison, we're sorry. And I want to assure you you will never be fired again. You're going to work here until you die, huh? Green tie? (clears throat) Nice choice.
Randy: Thanks. It brings out my eyes.
Arthur: Yeah. I'll bring out your eyes.
Marshall: Listen, Randy, I'm sorry, but I broke my own moral code once and I felt evil. I will not let GNB change me. I will never f*re anyone again ever.
Randy: Oh, we'll see about that.
Barney: Anyhoo, while I got you-- big smile. "We care about making dreams come true," in three, two...
Randy: No!
Marshall: What are you doing?
Randy: Oh, are you unhappy with my performance? Well, I guess I'm fired, then. I'd better turn in my I.D.
Marshall: No, it's actually, um, nice having some of this clutter off my desk. So thank you, Randy.
Randy: And there's more.
Marshall: I don't know what I'm going to use this for, but it's great stuff.
Randy: Now am I fired?
Marshall: I've been meaning to clean out that file cabinet for ages.
Barney: I'm not even here. Randy, the coffee.
Marshall: Oh! Okay. Okay. Thank you, Randy. I've been meaning to cut back on my caffeine.
Barney: Here, try this, but really go for it. Remember, this guy ruined your life.
Marshall: That's just the pick-me-up I needed.
Barney: Speaking of pickups, can we try the first one again?
Lily's class
(her phone starts ringing)
Lily: Hello.
Ted: It didn't work. They hate me. How do I get them to like me again?
Lily: You don't. Ted, you're their teacher. The only people that like their teachers...
Ted: I like my teachers.
Lily:...are dorks. Except for you, Miles. Ted, you just have to learn to embrace their hatred. Because behind that hatred lies fear. And you can use use that fear, like I did with Johnny Marley.
Ted: Was there more to that story?
Lily: A little bit.
[FLASHBACK]
(The boy wakes up from his nap and find the head of his stuffed animal next to him; he starts screaming)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Lily, you're a psychopath.
Lily: A little bit. Oh, a panda!
Ted's class
Ted from 2030: I thought about Lily's advice. And I figured fear was worth a try.
Zoey: Well, Professor Mosby, is there anything you want to say to us?
Ted: Anyone not in class tomorrow gets an "F."
The Bar
Lily: You said that?
Ted: Well, technically, they'd get an incomplete, but I thought "F" had a nice, scary ring to it. Right?
Lily: Yeah.
Robin: Hey, guys.
Lily: Robin, who'd you sleep with?
Robin: I told you-- Randy. He was a machine.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: Fine. I didn't sleep with anyone. The thing is, ever since Becky did that commercial, everyone at work loves her. So, the day after Halloween, I was in a commercial.
Ted: What... Why didn't you tell us?
[FLASHBACK]
Announcer: Bladder trouble; it's embarrassing, it's uncomfortable, and it can affect anyone.
Robin: I'm going to the bathroom right now.
Announcer: Neat and discreet adult diapers for anyone.
Robin: Say... "Ah..."
[END OF FLASHBACK]
(Ted laughing)
Ted: Wow! I can't wait to see it.
Robin: Well, hopefully you never will. They said that they might not even use it.
Ted from 2030: It ran for seven years.
Marshall's office
Randy: Okay, you win. Maybe trashing your office was a mistake. It's just, uh, as long as I can remember, making beer has been my dream. Wharmpiss? I know it sounds dumb to someone who's already achieved his dream, big-time lawyer at a huge corporation.
Marshall: You think working here is my dream?
Randy: Of course. Anyways, I'll clean this stuff up. Have someone get that d*ad squirrel out of your desk.
Marshall: Randy. This is delicious. You're fired.
Ted from 2030: Kids, the next morning, my class had the highest attendance it had ever had. And not long after that, Randy used his severance money to start a little brewery. Now you can have a Wharmpiss at every bar in America. And all because...
Marshall: I care about making dreams come true. You got what you need?
Barney: Yep. That's a wrap.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x07 - Canning Randy"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, one morning in 2010, I opened the newspaper only to discover an op-ed written by Zoey Pierson. You remember Zoey.
[FLASHBACK]
Zoey: Key Ted Mosby's car.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted from 2030: In those four column inches, she railed against me and my company, GNB, for wanting to tear down a beautiful old building: The Arcadian. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the piece ran on a Saturday, which as you both know, is Dad's crossword day.
Ted: She ruined crossword day! I can't believe this. She singles me out by name. Calls me a "fat cat." Me and my "fat-cat friends." We're not fat cats.
Barney: Exactly. I say, Marshall, my good man, how's my bow tie?
Marshall: Impeccable, old bean. To industry!
Barney: Ah, bully!
Ted from 2030: Okay, that night we weren't entirely un-fat-catty. You see, every year the Natural History Museum holds its Autumn Spectacular. It's attended by some of the most powerful and important people in New York, and, thanks to Goliath National Bank... us.
Inside a cab
Marshall: Look at us, huh? In tuxedos? Can you imagine if our college selves saw us like this?
Ted: They'd pelt us with their Phish bootlegs.
Marshall: Yeah, we were pretty anti-establishment back then. Oh, God, remember Russell?
[FLASHBACK]
(Marshall's college room)
Marshall: Nice monkey suit, Russell.
Russel: Come on, guys.
Marshall: Oh, I'm sorry, I can't hear you with that corporate noose around your neck. And don't even try showing up to the drum circle this weekend.
(Russel leaves the room, Ted enters)
Ted: Oh, hey. You guys seen Russell? I'm supposed to drive him to his mom's funeral.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: I wish I knew you guys back then. You know why? Because you can't kick a story in the nuts.
Lily: Hey, we're still those people. One of these days, Marshall's going to quit his job and go to work for the NRDC, and save the world, right, baby?
Marshall: Absotively. But let's just remember, I mean, nobody's the same as they were in college. You know, it's like, I wear a suit to work every day.
Lily: Well, yeah, but you wear it ironically, like Ted's fanny pack.
Ted: Next time we go to Great Adventure, you're carrying your own sunblock.
The museum
Lily: Ooh! I love this exhibit. One time when I was a kid, this room was closed for cleaning, so I snuck under the rope.
Everyone: Ooh.
Barney: Wow, that's pretty cool. When I was a kid, I knocked down the blue whale.
Marshall: Okay, the giant blue whale hanging from the ceiling?
Barney: I was six. My uncle Jerry brought me here for the day. He said, "Don't touch anything". To a kid. That's like someone telling us "Don't look at that girl's perky and impossibly symmetrical knockers."
Everyone: Ooh.
Robin: Not bad.
Barney: So, naturally, I snapped the rib off a triceratops, blahbity-blahbity-blue, I knocked down the whale. I'm surprised security didn't stop me on the way in.
Robin: Well, I'm sure they don't remember. I mean, it's been like 30 years since that completely made-up story didn't happen.
Barney: It happened. And these people don't forget. This is not the Natural Stuff That Happened No More Than Five Minutes Ago Museum. Huh?
(Arthur comes over, with another man)
Arthur: Marshall, Barney, there you are. I want you to meet an old friend of mine from Exeter, George Van Smoot.
George: But you can, and should, call me The Captain.
Marshall: The Captain?
Barney: The Captain?
Arthur: Back in school we met during a production of Guys and Dolls. The Captain was Nathan Detroit to my assistant stage manager. Marshall and Barney here, are the future of Goliath National Bank.
George: Well, ahoy.
Barney: Ahoy.
Marshall: Ahoy, The Captain.
Arthur: The Captain pretty much paid for this entire shindig.
George: Please, enjoy yourselves, have fun, but don't touch anything.
Marshall: Thank you, The Captain.
Barney: Challenge accepted.
Lily: Wow. "The future of Goliath National Bank"?
Marshall: I know, it's so, uh... You know, I totally forgot to tell you, but, um, the other day, Arthur offered me a five-year contract.
Lily: Oh, well, don't turn him down here in public. I broke up with Scooter at the prom. Right before the picture, too.
Lily: So whatever you do, don't tell him here tonight, 'cause...
Marshall: I think I'm going to say yes.
(Barney slightly touches a statue)
Barney: Ah, that's the stuff.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Robin: I didn't realize you were small potatoes. And to be clear, I am referring to your testicles.
(Robin touches the same statue from head to arm)
Barney: Impressive. Try this on for size.
(He raises the statue's belt and shakes it)
Robin: You want to dance? Let's dance.
(Robin lays a hand on the statue, Barneys does the same)
Barney: I live for the dance.
Robin: Get... your other hand... off my ass.
Barney: Sorry, sorry.
Lily: What do you mean, you're going to say yes?
Marshall: I-I want to keep working at GNB.
Lily: But I thought that you...
Ted: Guys, guys, guys? Architecture fun fact: If you stand right here, and you whisper, a person all the way across the other end of the room hears it like you're standing right next to them. It's one of the most sophisticated pieces of acoustical design in the world. Watch. (whispers): Diarrhea. Right? Right?
Lily: But a five-year contract. I thought you hated GNB.
Marshall: Look, I don't hate all of it. Tonight's fun. Take a look around. I mean, this is pretty high-class.
Ted, whispering: Poo-poo. Poo-poo platter.
(Ted spots Zoey in the crowd)
Ted: Zoey? Well, well, well.
Zoey: You have got to be kidding me.
Ted: So, what are we protesting tonight? Rising cost of jet fuel? The government's oppressive top hat and monocle tax?
Zoey: And what are you doing here? Oh, right. Beautiful old building... you're here to knock it down. Can I finish my drink first?
George: Darling, there you are.
Zoey: Ted, this is my husband.
Ted: Yeah, old stuff's great.
(Barney and Robin still have their hand onto the statue, Barney is trying to catch her glass)
Robin: Mmm. Ah, this Scotch is good. How's your drink?
Barney: This is ridiculous. We are two grown adults standing among the greatest collection of natural artifacts in the Western hemisphere, and look at what we're doing.
Robin: You're right.
Barney: Want to go touch a bunch of stuff?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Ted: So, Captain. How'd you get that name, anyway?
George: Gave it to myself. A real man chooses his own name.
Ted: Well, pleased to meet you, Captain. I'm Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville.
Zoey: This is Ted.
George: Capital. Honey, I may cut out early. I have to go check up on the boat.
Ted: The boat? There's a boat? You must tell me about this boat, Captain.
George: Well, she's an 85-foot sloop.
Ted: She!
George: Do you like boats? Does the sea call to you like it calls to me?
Ted: Yes. The sea is all like, "Ted, come hang out."
George: I like Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville. You're coming on the boat sometime. Stepping off.
Ted: Man, I wish me and my dad were as close as you guys are.
Zoey: Oh. You want to make this personal? Okay. Destroy Ted Mosby. Now it's personal.
Ted: No, if I wanted to make it personal, I'd call you a bored little trophy wife who likes to play activist when the shops on 5th Avenue are closed.
Zoey: You're going down.
Ted: Down where? To the yacht club? Oh! I would love to. W-w-wait. I'm half Jewish, will that be a problem?
Lily: So what about becoming an environmental lawyer? What about saving the world?
Ted, whispering: Wieners.
Marshall: That was a great dream. But we have a mortgage, and we're trying to have kids. We're grown-ups now, Lily.
Ted: Wieners and gonads.
Lily: What would College You say if he heard what you were saying right now?
Marshall: Honestly? Probably something pretentious, and pseudo-intellectual, like...
Ted: Boogers.
Marshall: We all change, Lily. You know, you don't spell "women" with a "Y" anymore. And I'm okay with that. And you need to be okay with the fact that I may never become an environmental lawyer.
Lily: So how long have you felt this way?
Marshall: Honestly? Since my first day at GNB.
Ted: Hershey squirts.
(Robin joins Barney who was going to touch a wall)
Robin: Hey. How do you like my date's tux? Ooh! Uh, a-thank you! Oh, none for him. He's stuffed.
Ted: Oh! Zoey! There you are. Oh, my God. You have a monocle. Is this real? Is this really happening?
Zoey: Can you excuse us for a moment? Let's go for a walk.
Ted: Good luck k*lling James Bond. (Zoey takes Ted away) Are we allowed in here?
Zoey: What do you want from me?
Ted: I want my crossword day back. Okay? Go live your perfect little life, and leave me the hell alone.
Zoey: My life isn't perfect.
Ted: Oh, please, what's your biggest problem? Having to sail back to the marina because the Captain's all out of white Zin? Oh. Great. Now you're crying. Like that's going to get my sympathy.
Ted from 2030: It did.
Lily: You've known about this for two and a half years? So every time you've talked about wanting to be an environmental lawyer since then, that was a lie.
Marshall: Technically, I never lied. You asked me questions, and I responded with made-up words.
Lily: What?
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: So, you'll probably quit GNB in a couple years, right?
Marshall: Affirmatootly.
Lily: And become an environmental lawyer?
Marshall: Yepskerdoodles.
Lily: Hey, by the way, do you like this scarf?
Marshall: Posititochadochmecochepopocha.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Lawyered.
Lily: Okay, that's also a made-up word.
Marshall: Okay. Lily, what do you want from me? I want you to be the person I fell in love with.
(Robin has a fur on her back and a javelin; Barney, dressed up as a Pharao, scares her)
Barney: Niled it.
Museum guard: Excuse me.
Barney: Thank God you're here. She's been messing with the exhibits.
Zoey: I got married when I was 22 to a man who calls himself The Captain.
Ted: He seems like a good guy. He wears those red pants.
Zoey: I hate boats, Ted. I do, I hate 'em. I can't be on them. I can't be near them. I can't even think about them without getting seasick. You want to know why I want to save that building? Because when I look up at The Arcadian, I see something big and solid, and right now everything else in my life just feels like I'm on a boat. I know it's crazy to care that much about a building.
Ted: It's not crazy at all. I'm the same way. Look, Zoey, The Arcadian should be a landmark, it should. The lion head stonework is iconic. I hate that we have to tear it down. I hate working for GNB. They're a bunch of wieners and gonads.
Zoey: Ted, that was... really easy.
Ted: What?
(Zoey puts out a recorder)
Ted's voice (on a recording): They're a bunch of wieners and gonads.
Zoey: This should be useful.
Ted from 2030: And in that moment, another headline appeared before my eyes.
Ted: You tricked me.
Zoey: Well, it the bug room, Ted. Your ass just got bugged. Oh, the offer still stands. We simply must have you out on the boat sometime.
Barney and Robin are in the guard's office
Guard: Well, aren't you two clever. Well, guess what, this museum has seen every kind of prank you can think of. Mummies playing poker, penguins sticking out of volcanoes, dinosaurs from the Cretaceous period hanging out with dinosaurs from the Jurassic period. One time a kid knocked down the blue whale. You name it...
Robin: I'm sorry. Did you say someone knocked down the blue whale?
Guard: Oh no, not just someone. A six-year-old.
Barney: Oh, yeah, that story is legend... (phone ringing) Hold on....dary. And, um, would you happen to know what that young man's name was?
Guard: No. But I could, uh, check the files.
Barney: Thank you.
George: Now, Arthur, your turn. I just sang three songs. Now you-you do your part from Guys and Dolls.
Arthur: Take your seats, everyone. The show's about to start. Douche.
(George spots Ted alone in a corner)
George: So I hear my wife got you pretty good.
Ted: She caught me on tape trashing GNB.
George: Oh, that damn recorder. Try being married to that. "But you said you'd get the corgis neutered this weekend." "I said no such thing." "Oh, yeah?" Click. You're a good guy, Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville. Tell you what, when Zoey goes to sleep, I'll find that tape and erase it for you. No hard feelings.
Ted: Really? You'd do that to your own wife?
George: Sure. Why not? I mean, I'm glad she has these little causes, they keep her out of troubles, but when she throws a temper tantrum and it gets in the way of someone doing their job, that's a problem.
Ted: No, you know what? Don't erase the tape. And for what it's worth, I don't think she's throwing temper tantrums. I just think she's, you know, standing up for what she believes in. I respect that.
George: Hey, what about this? I'll take you out on the boat sometime. You've got to see this boat. She's breathtaking.
Ted from 2030: Kids, there's an amazing architectural phenomenon in the Natural History Museum. If you stand in the right spot, you can hear an entire conversation all the way across the room.
The guard's office
Guard: July 23, 1981, incident report. At approximately 1000 hours,...vandal dislodged rib from triceratops skeleton...and flung said rib at giant whale. Causing said giant whale to fall in a downward trajectory. And the vandal's name... Well, I'll be damned... Barney Stinson.
Barney: Who's the master, Leroy?
Guard: Stinson was reprimanded and returned to the custody of his father, Jerome Whittaker.
Barney: Uh, no, uncle. Jerome Whittaker is my uncle.
Guard: Uncle Jerry. Says father. Even signed it and checked the box for father and everything.
Barney: Jerry's my uncle.
College Marshall: Lily? Honey, what's wrong? You okay? Do you want a h*t of this sandwich?
Lily: I want you.
College Marshall: Awesome. Let me just put a sock on the doorknob.
Lily:No. I mean, I want you as opposed to who you've become. You've changed so much.
College Marshall: What? How have I changed? Did I cheat on you?
Lily: No.
College Marshall: Did I stop writing poems for you?
Lily: Yes, but I'm okay with that.
College Marshall: Am I not as good at making the sweet, sweet love to you?
Lily: Actually, you're way better now. You last, like, two, three times as long.
College Marshall: You said that any longer would be too much.
Lily: It's okay. College Lily thinks those are orgasms. No, it's... it's none of that. It's just this new Marshall... Corporate Marshall... he wears suits all the time. He doesn't care about saving the world. He's not you. I want you back.
College Marshall: Well, you can't have me. Look at the sign. I'm extinct. I've gone the way of Jane's Addiction.
Lily: Actually, Jane's Addiction got back together.
College Marshall: They did?
Lily: Yeah, they've done a few tours, they put out a new album.
College Marshall: Are you serious?! That is awesome! Are they just as good?
Lily: Sure.
College Marshall: Look, I know that Corporate Marshall wears a tie and everything, but it sounds like he hasn't changed where it counts.
(The Marshall from today arrives)
Marshall: Hey.
Lily: Hi.
Marshall: Look, Lily, I know that you would have been okay if we were poor and I was trying to save the world, but will you still be okay if I make a lot of money and I spend all of it spoiling you and our kids?
Lily: We'll make it work.
(Lily and Marshall leave the museum)
College Marshall: There he goes. The Marathon Man. Mr. Stamina himself. I can kiss better than that old man.
(Robin and Barney are sitting at a table)
Robin: So when was the last time you saw him?
Barney: It was that day... July 23, 1981. My mom got pretty mad that he let me destroy a New York City landmark.
Robin: Moms.
Barney: He never came around anymore after that. Think he moved away.
Robin: Well, maybe the security guy had it wrong. You never know...
Barney: But you do know, you do know. That's the thing. You know. He's my dad.
Robin: Barney, do you want...?
Barney: I don't want to do anything. Don't tell anyone about this, okay?
Ted: I'm serious. It's a great look. I think it could come back, but one question. Does it cost half as much as glasses?
Zoey: Can I steal you for a second? You don't need to worry. I... What are you doing?
Ted: Oh, I thought we were...
Zoey: Fine. I erased the tape.
Ted: What?
Zoey: I don't need it. I'm going to b*at you fair and square.
Ted: Thanks.
Zoey: But it's good to know how easily you can be manipulated by a woman.
Ted: You look gross when you cry, you know that? Some women look cute. You look like a basset hound.
Zoey: Oh, laugh it up now. Because starting Monday, I got you in my crosshairs.
Ted: Bring it on, Princess.
(Marshall is in his office when Arthur enters)
Arthur: Eriksen... It's, uh, 3:00 a.m. You know what, you might as well not even go home.
Ted from 2030: And so Marshall stayed right on at Goliath National Bank. Of course, it wouldn't last forever. But that's another story.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x08 - Natural History"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, in the fall of 2010, it seemed like Aunt Lily could only talk about one thing: babies.
The Bar
Robin: Oh, God, I have been craving this burger all day.
Lily: Do you know what plays a huge role in helping a woman conceive? Cervical mucus.
(Robin drops her burger)
(Lily and Robin are watching a movie)
Robin: Oh, my God, I can't wait to see this movie. I hear it's really scary.
Lily: Oh, change of plans. I thought violent images wouldn't be good for my future fetus, so instead, I rented this video of a live water birth.
(Lily and Robin are in the Kitchen)
Robin: They don't know what it is. It just showed up on my mom's X-ray.
Lily: Look at this crib.
Ted from 2030: But all in all, it wasn't a problem. That is, until the night of Barney's boutonniere.
The Bar
Marshall: Oh, you're wearing a flower.
Barney: Thank you.
Marshall: Ah, didn't compliment. Just observed.
Barney: I know. Isn't it?
Robin: Why are you wearing that?
Ted: Why does Barney do anything ever?
Barney: Exactly. Science. There is an 83% correlation between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. Think about it. Proms, weddings. Grandmas' funerals. Thanks for the redhead, Nana. The "everyday boutonniere" by Stinson.
Robin: And nope. I'm sorry, Barney, but no girl is going home with a guy with a flower on his chest. Unless he's a clown, and she's in the trunk of his car.
Marshall: Along with 50 other clowns. It's a clown car. Oh.
Barney: Robin, did you know that boutonniere is French for "bootie is near?" True story. Une histoire vraie.
Robin: Hmm! Did you know that Barney is French for "sad little guy who works way too hard to get laid""
Barney: Woman, you best check yourself.
Robin: Yeah, on the bright side, I guess suits are pretty boring without them, so...
Barney: Madam... that is an insult that cannot be borne! I demand satisfaction!
Robin: What, are we gonna duel?
Barney: No. I'm going to show everyone this embarrassing video of you. It's Robin Sparkles III, y'all!
[OPENING CREDITS]
Ted from 2030: Kids, by this point, we knew Aunt Robin had been a teen pop sensation in Canada, known as Robin Sparkles. And we also knew that her Robin Sparkles character came from a Canadian TV show, which we'd never seen... until now.
Ted's appartment
Barney: I cannot wait to see what's on this DVD!
Marshall: Oh, you haven't watched it yet?
Barney: No, of course not. I wanted my first time to be with someone I cared about.
Marshall: Sweet! I get that a lot. Well, once.
Lily: Hey, Robin, do you want to go get a Korean massage on Saturday?
Robin: Oh, I'd love to. I've got this knot in my neck that's so annoying.
Lily: Yeah, I figured I should get one now because once I get pregnant, no more massages. Just so annoying.
(Barney plays the dvd)
Barney: Space Teens?! Is this a p*rn?
Robin: No, no. Dude, dude. Sweet! It's a kids' show.
Ted: I don't know. This does have all the earmarks of p*rn. Stripper pole, bad lighting, delusional girl who thinks it's a stepping stone to mainstream success.
Barney: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a big old bowl of p*rn. Whoa! And who is this exquisite keytarist I assum you're about to make sweet love to?
Robin: Oh, that's Jessica Glitter. She was my BFF on the show and in real life.
Barney: Ah, BFFs. Did you guys have sleepovers? Get mad at each other and wrestle, but then end up kissing in a tender embrace? Here, show us on Lily.
Robin: Barney, you know what? If you're going to be disgusting, we're not watching this, okay?
Lily: Yeah. Come on, Barney. It's just a cute little story about... What exactly is this about?
Robin: Oh, two average Canadian teenagers who solve crimes in space using math.
Marshall: That sounds ridiculous.
Robin Sparkles: So sue me. Like the producers of Milky Way Mathletes tried to.
Jessica Glitter: Great job using long division to catch that space burglar, eh?
Robin Sparkles: Well, what can I say? He'll be in galactic jail for the remainder of his life.
Robot: Sparkles, Glitter, we're about to enter an asteroid belt, eh.
Robin Sparkles: Brace for turbulence!
Lily: Oh. Oh. I have to say, as much as I hate to agree with Barney, this does seem to be a veritable p*rn.
Robin: Okay, guys, come on. It's a kids' show! Like Electric Company or Sesame Street or, um...
Marshall: You can't do that on television.
Robin: Exactly.
Marshall: No. You can't do that on television!
Ted: Robin, this show is so dirty, I don't know whether to hug you or run a shower for you so you can sit there alone, crying and clenching your knees.
Robin: It's just bad camera work, okay? Wayne, our camera guy... he wasn't that great.
Marshall: I don't know. I think he did a pretty good job, considering he was probably only using one hand.
Robin: You know what? I feel bad for you Americans, that you can look at this wondrous and educational adventure through space, and see something obscene. Can you just please try to look at this with the innocence of a child?
Man: Coming up. Here we go. Girls, if you want to get through the asteroid belt, you've got to use multiplication. To the joystick! Okay, Space Teens, let's multiply! Five times six?
Robin Sparkles: Oh. 30.
Man: Yes! Oh! Seven times four?
Jessica Glitter: 28!
Man: Keep going! Eight times nine?
Jessica Glitter: 72!
Man: Don't stop now! Almost there! 23 times three?
(Barney stops the dvd)
Barney: I'm sorry. We got to ration this. It's like we're on a desert island, and this video is a really hot, naked chick, and she's got, like, seaweed on her and a seashell bra. You all feel me?
Lily: Hey, if you and Jessica are BFFs, how come we've never met her?
Robin: Okay, well, it was a long time ago, okay? I get a Christmas card from her every year, but we're not really friends anymore.
Lily: But BFFs are forever.
Marshall: Oh, come on, Lily. Nobody stays friends with their high school friends.
Ted: I'm still friends with Punchy.
Marshall: Dude, he lives in Cleveland. You see him once a year, at which point, he punches you really hard in the arm and tells everyone how you dookied your pants. I know, on paper he sounds great, but you guys aren't really friends.
Ted: Look, I may not see him a lot, but it doesn't matter. Observe.
(Ted makes a phone call)
Punchy: Schmosby!
Ted: Punchy!
Punchy: Hey, good talking to you, Ted.
Ted: Yeah, you, too. If you're ever in New York.
Punchy: Definitely.
(the call ends)
Ted: We are just two peas.
Lily: I don't get it. How can you and Glitter just stop being friends? Best friends don't do that.
Robin: Well, we did, okay? And I haven't talked to her in, like, five years, so just drop it. I got to go.
Lily: Whoa. What do you think came between Robin and Jessica?
Ted: Much like our friends, the Space Teens, I think I can solve this crime with math. Okay... Okay, here is a Christmas card that Jessica sent Robin. Lily, how old would you say that kid is?
Lily: Four years, three months.
Ted: Which means Jessica got pregnant five years ago. Right around the time she and Robin stopped being friends.
Marshall: Of course. Robin hates kids.
Barney: The last thing she would want to do is hang out with some little brat.
Ted: Thus, if I may... When Glitter's womb a fruit did bear, Robin said, "To hell with this, I'm outta hare. Glitter got pregnant, so Robin dumped her.
Marshall: That's got to be it, right, Lil? Lil?
Lily: Robin's gonna dump me!
Marshall: Oh, sweetheart.
Ted: When a second uterus plumped becomes...
Marshall: Dude. Feel the room.
Ted's appartment
Robin: No.
Ted: We've been waiting all day!
Robin: Just watch it without me.
Barney: Two dudes on the couch together watching p*rn? That's kind of weird.
Robin: Okay, it's not p*rn, it's a kids' show.
Ted: Two dudes watching a kids' show might be worse.
Robin: Okay, fine, I'll watch it with you. Yeah! But if either of you makes even one peep about the show being dirty, I'm turning it off.
Barney: We...
Robin: I'm serious.
Robin Sparkles: Hey Jessica, how's your beaver?
(Ted and Barney spill their beer)
Jessica Glitter: Great. How's your beaver?
Robin Sparkles: Busy as ever!
Robin: Our characters had pet beavers.
Ted: Sure.
Robin: The beaver is the official animal of Canada. It's our national mascot.
Barney: It's a noble creature.
Man: Okay, girls. Everyone knows a beaver's favorite food is wood. I just hope we brought along enough of it for our three-day galactic space journey. So let's do the math. If Robin's beaver devours six inches of wood every half hour, and Jessica's beaver devours eight inches of wood every 45 minutes, how much wood will I need to keep both of these beavers well-fed all weekend long? While you figure it out at home, how about we sing you a song about our beavers?
(Ted and Barney starts laughing)
Robin: Hey! No! You don't get to hear the beaver song! It is a sweet song about friendship, and you guys are being disgusting, and beavers are adorable!
Barney: No arguments here.
(Someone is knocking at the door; Ted opens it)
Punchy: 'Sup Shmosby!
Ted: Punchy, what are you doing here?
Punchy: Well, yesterday you said if I was ever in New York. 'Sup, turds?
Ted: Okay, uh, uh, where are you staying?
Punchy:In your mom's pants. Trick. She's old. Hey, don't worry about me. I'm cool on the couch.
Robin: Whoa. He's staying here? You're staying here?
Punchy: I know! It's so good, right? Feel like you're dreaming? But check your totem, brah. Punchy's here in the flesh. So, why don't we get one of these, Ted? Yeah. Remember these? High school? Junior high? Yeah. Elementary school? Remember those?
Look, look, Punchy's here.
The Bar
Punchy: Hey, Schmosby, remember when you dookied in your pants down by the lake? Unbelievable!
(Punchy stands up and goes away)
Robin: Hey, Schmosby, remember when you dookied on our couch in the form of your idiot high school friend? Unbelievable!
Ted: Come on. I worry about the guy. He's had the same d*ad-end job at a car rental place for 15 years.
Robin: Don't care.
Ted: He's been stuck in Cleveland his whole life.
Robin: Get a hotel.
Ted: Robin... LeBron.
Robin: Okay, one night. Got to go.
(Marshall and Lily comes in)
Lily: Where are you going? We just got here.
Robin: Oh, a Korean massage.
Lily: By yourself?
Robin: Well, I figured you'd be busy, reading What to Expect When You're Expecting to Expect.
Lily: Guys, did you see that? She's going to a Korean massage without me. That's our thing. I'm telling you, she's gonna dump me, just like she dumped Glitter.
Marshall: Lily, come on. We don't even know that's what happened.
Ted: Um, hello, somebody already solved that crime using math, remember?
Marshall: Look, Lily. Robin is clearly getting tired of you constantly talking about babies.
Lily: I don't.
Marshall: Lily, how old am I?
Lily: 384 months.
Punchy: Busted!
Marshall: Okay. So before you Lily all over the place, maybe you should try hanging out with Robin and not talking about babies.
Ted from 2030: So Lily did just that. She tried not to talk about babies.
Robin: Hey, Lily, what brings you to the crib?
Lily: Crib...
Robin: What's the matter? You look rattled.
Lily: Rattled? I want to talk about babies.
Robin: What?
Lily: Look, I know you don't care about this stuff, but I'm about to become a mother. And as a future mother, I'm gonna need the support...
Robin: Oh, my God! You're not even pregnant yet.
Lily: What's that supposed to mean?
Robin: It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. You see? I read your Facebook updates. God, it's like it's all you ever talk about, Lily, and I'm sick of it!
Lily: Well, guess what? I've got some good news. When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. In fact, you don't have to see me. This whole friendship thing? Done.
Robin: Great.
Lily: Great.
(Robin opens the appartment's entry door, Lily goes out)
Marshall's and Lily's bedroom
Marshall: For crying out loud. You broke up with Robin?
Lily: I had to. We were growing apart, and we're better off without each other.
Marshall: Okay, Lily, you sound about as convincing as you did the time you "accidentally" shredded my Joey Buttafuoco pants.
Lily: No!
Marshall: Get on the phone, call Robin and fix this.
Lily: I can't. The damage is done. Can you just hold me?
Marshall: You know what? No. I don't agree with what you did, and so I refuse to comfort you, despite how adorable you are when you cry.
Lily: Okay.
Marshall: Okay. Maybe just one cuddle, but then that is it.
The Bar
Punchy: Times Square's the b*mb! I got so many great pictures of all the billboards.
Ted: Yeah. You know, there's more to New York than Times Square. There's the Village, the Lower East Side, Central Park...
Punchy: They got better billboards then the ones in Times Square?
Ted: No.
Punchy: Times Square's the b*mb!
Ted: Here. You know what? Hold this, okay?
Punchy: I'm going to go pee in the jar I got going in the alley.
Barney: Seriously, dude, he has got to go. You need to be like, "You are the weakest link. Goodbye." Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn't work for us. Your time's up. I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.
Ted: Okay, yeah. I know.
Barney: You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away. Give me your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen. I'm sorry, you did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.
Punchy: Ted, come look at this. I found a little wounded bird in the alley.
Ted: That's your scrotum.
Punchy: You know what it is, Ted. You know what it is. Come on, Ted. You always fall for that.
Ted: Yeah, he's gotta go.
The Madison Square Garden
Lily: What are we doing in Madison Square Garden?
Marshall: Okay, you refused to talk to Robin. So I thought that you might like to talk to... the organist for the New York Rangers. Jessica Glitter?!
Lily: How did you find Glitter?
Marshall: Simple, really. I used my powers of deduction. You see, I knew Glitter used to be a keytarist, which is basically a piano, so I just made a list of all the keyboard-based occupations and then I cross-matched them...
Jessica Glitter: His friend Barney looked me up, hoping to buy my Space Teens costume.
Marshall: Yo, Glitter... Be cool.
Jessica Glitter: So, is this the one who's best friends with Robin now?
Lily: More like ex-best friends. Just like you.
Jessica Glitter: I'm sorry to hear that. I miss Robin.
Lily: Yeah, well, Marshall and I are about to get pregnant, and I know she stopped being friends with you when you had a baby, so...
Jessica Glitter: Oh, Robin didn't stop being friends with me. I stopped being friends with her.
Lily: What? Why?
Jessica Glitter: Because I had a baby. Honey, when you have a baby, all that best friend stuff-- hockey, bow hunting for caribou, math...that all goes out the window. I mean, I tried to stay friends with her, but it just didn't happen. She took it pretty hard. I even thought she might try to k*ll herself.
Marshall: Charge!
Lily: Wow. You dumped her just because you had a baby? That's cold.
Jessica Glitter: Didn't you do the same thing? Minus the baby?
Lily: Oh, God. I gotta go. I gotta go apologize to Robin. I- I need to tell her I love her, and that she'll always be a priority.
Jessica Glitter: Be careful, Lily. I made those promises, too. And now I haven't even talked to her in five years. Sure, I thought about picking up the phone and calling her a hundred times, but I just never have the courage to actually...(Marshall is playing the piano) Hey. Go ahead.
Ted's appartment
Punchy: Hey, do you guys get Big Chuck and Little John out here?
Ted: Punchy, it's time to go back.
Punchy: Back to Times Square?!
Ted: Uh, no. Back-Back to Cleveland.
Punchy: I don't know if I can do that, bro. I mean, yeah, I've been jonesing for a piece of Cleveland-style pizza, but I feel bad about leaving you out here. I worry about you, Ted.
Ted: You worry about me?
Punchy: Yeah. The other day, when you called...
[FLASHBACK]
Punchy: Schmosby!
Ted: Punchy!
Punchy: Hey, good talking to you, Ted.
Ted: Yeah. You, too. If you're ever in New York...
Punchy: Definitely.
Woman: Sweetie, who was that?
Punchy: It was my friend Ted. He sounded kind of depressed.
Woman: Is this the Ted who got left at the altar?
Punchy: Yeah. He's not doing so good. Poor guy lives in a tiny apartment in New York, nowhere near Times Square. He's got no family around. He's still single, doesn't have a backyard. It's just a bummer.
Woman: Maybe you should go visit him. Cheer him up a little. You know, buy him some sh*ts, do the whole wounded bird trick.
Punchy: You think that would work?
Woman: Worked on me.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Wow. She sounds pretty great, Punchy.
Punchy: She's my angel. In fact, uh... We're getting married.
Ted: Wow! Wow! That's... I'm-I'm really happy for you.
Punchy: Thanks, Ted. Thanks. Actually, that's the other reason why I came out here. I wanted to see if you'd be my best man.
Ted: Of course I will.
Punchy: Yeah! That's great! No, you're stupid. Oh, that's it...
Ted from 2030: That night, Lily went to the one place she knew she could find Robin-- New York's premiere Canadian bar, the Hoser Hut.
The Hoser Hut
Lily: Oh, there you are. Robin, I owe you a huge apology.
Robin: No, okay? Me first. I've been pulling away from you, and I'm sorry. It's just, the last time my best friend had a baby...
Lily: I know. I know all about it. It's not gonna happen with you and me. And I'm sorry I've been going crazy with this baby stuff. I know you hate babies.
Robin: Whoa. Look, I hate most babies. But your baby? I'm gonna love that kid so much. I'm gonna pick it up and everything.
(Robin and Lily hug)
Marshall: I'm so happy you guys made up.
Ted: Me, too.
Barney: Where do I know this song from?
Robin: Oh, my God. It's the beaver song. Okay, which one of you put this on?
Jessica, singing: * Hey, beaver, come on; When you feel alone; Just pick up that phone; And I'll be there to share my... *
Robin and Jessica: * Ice cream cone; We'll lick it side by side *
Barney: Wow. This is so dirty.
Marshall: Come on, Barney. It's a sweet song about friendship.
Ted: Yeah, dude, come on.
Robin and Jessica: * Day is done; Two beavers are better than one; Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah; Two beavers are better than one; They're twice the fun; Ask anyone; A second beaver can be second to none; Two beavers are better than one. *
Robin: *Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah...*
Jessica: *You're my favorite beaver...*
Robin and Jessica: *Two beavers are better than one. Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah; Two beavers are better than one; They're twice the fun; Ask anyone; A second beaver ; Can be second to none.*
Robot: Two beavers are better than one. *
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x09 - Glitter"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, in the fall of 2010, I was hosting my very first Thanksgiving. And I wanted it to be unforgettable.
The Bar
Ted: Instead of stuffing, I'm going to fill the turkey with... a slightly smaller turkey. It's called a Turturkeykey!
Lily: A Turturkeykey?
Robin: Yeah, I was there for the "insertion." He used shoehorns. I'll be having sides.
Ted: Your loss. All right, it's d*ad in here. I'm gonna call it a little early.
Barney: What? No! You can't go now. It's the night before Thanksgiving. College chicks are back in town. Their moms just made a snide comment about the weight they gained. They called her a bitch, but deep down, they know she's right. And they're about to walk through that door, where we will be waiting with some light beer and some rock hard approval. Wh-what u-up?
Marshall: Yeah. You don't want to bail early, man. You could become The Blitz.
Ted from 2030: Blitz was a guy we knew in college. Sadly, he was cursed.
[FLASHBACK]
Blitz: Well... I'm calling it a little early.
Ted: Wh... you sure? We got big plans.
Marshall: Yeah. Remember how last week we fired up a sandwich, and we listened to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon while watching The Wizard of Oz?
Ted: Well, tonight, we're doing the same thing, only with "Weird Al" Yankovic's Greatest Hits and Apocalypse Now.
Marshall: We'll see what happens.
Blitz: Nah, it's Kraft/Croft night: mac and cheese and Tomb Raider. Biz-zow!
Ted from 2030: You see, every time Blitz left a place, something amazing happened.
(A woman enters the room with only a towel on her)
Woman: Oh! I'm sorry. I thought this was my room.
(The towel falls down. Later...)
Ted: Completely naked!
Marshall: Completely naked!
Blitz: Aw, man!
Marshall: And the movie was awesome.
Blitz: Aw, man!
Ted: At the exact moment Brando first appeared, "Weird Al" launched right into "Eat It."
Blitz: Aw, man!
Ted from 2030: And over the years, "The Curse of The Blitz" continued.
(Later, at the Bar...)
Blitz: Well, I'm gonna call it. I just got Madden 2K1, and I can't stop thinking about it.
(Blitz leaves)
Bar Tender: Tap's broke! Can't turn 'em off! Free beer for everyone!
(cheering)
Ted: Free beer for everyone!
Marshall: Free beer for everyone!
Blitz: Aw, man!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: You know what? Ted, go ahead-- leave early to do something lame. Just don't blame us if you become... The Blitz.
Ted: All right, first of all... there's nothing lame about brining a Turturkeykey, copyright pending. And secondly, I don't believe "The Curse of The Blitz" is real. (gasps)
Ted from 2030: Kids, I'd live to regret those words. You see, the "Curse of Blitz" could be passed from one person to the next, at any moment. Blitz had gotten the curse from Jerry Windheim, back in freshman year, who got it years before that from Davey Beaterman. The original Blitz, Matt Blitz, was a guy who went to Wesleyan back in the '60s. He dropped out right before the school went co-ed. And then, Thanksgiving morning...
Ted's appartment
(Ted goes out of his room and find the living room completely trashed)
Ted: What the hell happened here?
Robin: Hey! Morning, Blitz!
Ted: Aw, man! No, no! Let's get one thing straight, okay? I am not The Blitz.
Barney, singing: My Blitzy lies over the ocean; My Blitzy lies over the sea; My Blitzy lies over the ocean; So bring back my Blitzy...
Ted: Please stop. Okay, fine.
Barney:...To me.
Lily: The Gentleman!
Everyone: The Gentleman!
Ted: Wait! Wait! Wait! What's that? What's "The Gentleman"?
Lily: Oh, you had to be there, Blitz. Yes.
Ted: I'm not The Blitz! (Ted goes into the bathroom, he hears a person yawning and opens the bath curtain) Zoey?
Zoey: Morning, Blitz!
[OPENING CREDITS]
Ted from 2030: Kids, you remember Zoey. For the last two months, she'd been making my life hell.
(Zoey leaves the appartment)
Zoey: Thanks, guys! Last night was amazing! The Gentleman!
Everyone: The Gentle...
Ted: How could you, my best friends in the world, hang out with my mortal enemy, then let her sleep in the tub where I clean myself?!
Lily: Sorry, Ted. We can explain. After you Blitzed out last night...
Ted:I'm not The Blitz!
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Oh, my God... That's Zoey! That's Ted's enemy. Which means she's our enemy. Let's take this bitch down.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Huh? Huh? Who's got your back? Now let's have dinner!
Ted: Finish the story, Red.
Lily: Okay, well, we all started brainstorming ways to mess with her. There were a lot of different ideas kicking around.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: And then I'm just going to leave her there... buck-naked, covered in candle wax, tied to the bed.
Marshall: Barney, I know that Ted doesn't like that girl, but that's a little extreme.
Barney: Wait... Ted doesn't like that girl?
Lily: Okay. Wh...? Well, I got it. You see that silk scarf? I'm going to steal it.
(Lily goes over to Zoey et try to steal her scarf)
Zoey: Can I... help you?
Lily: Yeah. Yeah! My name is Lily Aldrin. I'm a friend of Ted Mosby's, so you better...
Zoey: You're Lily Aldrin? The painter?!
Lily: Well, yeah.
Zoey: You're amazing! I bought a bunch of your paintings online.
Lily: (gasps) That was you?!
Zoey: Yeah.
Lily: Oh! Thanks!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Look, none of us meant for it to happen, but, well, we had an awesome night with her.
[FLASHBACK]
Everyone: The Gentleman! (whooping, applause)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: And then, the craziest thing happened.
[FLASHBACK]
(A dog is skate-boarding)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: I missed a skateboarding dog?
Lily: Yeah, but that wasn't the crazy part.
Ted: It wasn't?
[FLASHBACK]
Zoey: Okay, Marshall. Truth or dare?
Marshall: Okay, awesome. Well, Lily doesn't let me do truths. So, dare.
Zoey: Okay. I dare you to send a picture of your junk to a complete stranger.
(all laughing, gasping)
Marshall: Best idea ever!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Worst idea ever! My junk ended up in some stranger's pocket. If there phone was on vibrate, I basically dry-humped them.
[FLASHBACK]
Zoey: Okay. Everybody shout out random numbers.
Blitz: 4, 8... 15, 16, 23, 42!
Zoey: And... send!
(cheering)
[END O FLASHBACK]
Ted: Wait. Blitz was there, too?
Blitz: The Gentleman!
Everyone: The Gentleman!
Blitz: Oh, I was there for the whole thing. Something inside me just said "Grand Theft Auto" can wait a night.
Barney: It was legen-- wait for Ted to leave, 'cause he's now The Blitz-- -- dary. Legendary!
Ted: I'm not The Blitz!
Marshall: I'm afraid you are, Ted. You see, when you left last night, you changed the course of Blitztory.
Mysterious voice: Blitz...
Blitz: I'm finally free! I mean, you have no idea what I've missed all these years: The university president's toupee being snatched by a hawk at graduation, Zeppelin reuniting at my cousin Ira's bar mitzvah, countless nip-slips, crotch sh*ts, sh**ting stars and double rainbows. I've missed them all!
Barney: Well, not anymore, Blitz.
Blitz: My name's not Blitz. My name is Steve! Colors seem so bright now. Thank you, Blitz.
Ted: What? No! N- n-n-n-no! N-n-no! I'm not The Blitz! The only thing I missed last night was my best friends s*ab me in the back by hanging out with my worst enemy. Guys! I hate Zoey! That means you're supposed to hate her, too! Th-that's your rule, Lily!
Lily: I tried.
Ted: Tried?! Lily, do you have any idea how many people I've blindly hated for you? I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years, only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!
Lily: Hey, I will hate her until I get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!
Ted: That's Kate Hudson!
Lily: Oh, yeah. That's who I hate. Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.
Ted: No, we hate Zoey! I'm so furious at you all right now, but it's Thanksgiving, and I have a Turturkeykey to make. And not that I'm The Blitz, but could everyone please come with me into the kitchen? (all murmuring) Okay, I'm, uh, just gonna preheat the oven.
Robin: The oven.
[FLASHBAK]
Barney: Hey, Robin, you should dance on the oven.
(all agreeing, whooping)
Everyone, chanting: Make out with Zoey! Make out with Zoey! Make out...
[END OF FLASHBACK]
(Ted opens the oven, and its door stays stuck in his hand)
Steve: Did they tell you about the skateboarding dog? It was awesome!
Ted: Great. So not only did you guys betray me, but you broke my oven on Thanksgiving?
Barney: Full disclosure. We also used all your butter, greasing up Lily so we could see how far we could slide her down the hall.
Lily: But if it helps, I reached 4G.
Ted: It doesn't help. 4G? No. What-What are we supposed to do now?
Inside a cab
Steve: This is awesome! I'm part of this!
Barney's appartment
Ted: Barney, I don't know if the oven is deep enough. Plus, it's a display made of cardboard.
Barney: Huh. I should probably disconnect the gas.
In the cab
Marshall: Hey, just so you guys know, there was a tiny expl*si*n at the sewage treatment plant across the street from our apartment, but I'm sure it's fine by now.
A kitchen
Steve: This is awesome!
Ted: It's not awesome!
Robin: I think the smaller turkey just tried to crawl further inside the bigger turkey.
The cab
Barney: Um... Um... I'm have... I'm having trouble breathing!
At Steve's
Steve: Mom keeps an extra litter box in here. There you go. Good as new. Oh. Hey, Ginger.
The cab
Lily: Ted, you're not gonna like this, but we do have one other option.
[FLASHBACK]
Zoey: Hey, you guys should come to my house for Thanksgiving. My husband always spends it with his daughter, so I'm going to be alone anyway.
Lily: Could we bring Ted?
Zoey: It's Thanksgiving. What the hell?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: No. Absolutely not.
Lily: Come on. Give her a chance.
Robin: Ted, you violated a d*ad turkey with another d*ad turkey. Don't let that be in vain.
Marshall: Guys? Wait a minute. Where's Barney?
Inside another cab
Barney: And here's the twist, Babaka. Because Ted left early, he's now The Blitz.
Babaka: But Barney, now you left the group. Wouldn't that put you in danger of becoming The Blitz yourself?
Barney: No. I c... Because... Step on it.
In front of the elevator of Zoey's building
Marshall: You missed it.
Steve: Oh, my goodness. Our cab took a wrong turn. We were in the Thanksgiving Day parade!
Robin: Tony Bennett passed Ted the mike and he sang "Twist and Shout!"
Barney: But he's The Blitz.
Ted: No. I'm not The Blitz. I'm The Bueller. You know what this means. You're The Blitz.
Mysterious voice: Blitz...
Barney: Oh, God, no!
Marshall: Life moves pretty fast, Barney. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.
Ted: Chicka-chicka!
(Lily knocks on Zoey's door)
Zoey: Happy Thanksgiving! Ted.
Ted: Zoey.
Lily: Best friend alert!
Ted: Okay, the Turturkeykey is officially cooking.
Marshall: Oh, God, that is disgusting!
Ted: Okay, guys, that's starting to hurt.
Marshall: No... no, Ted. Random number guy just sent me his wang back.
Robin: Wow. You sent a wang out, and you got a wang back.
Lily: It's a boom-a-wang.
Robin: Nice.
Lily: Thank you.
Robin: No, I meant the wang.
Zoey: Barney, could you get me some more ice?
Barney: Sure. But... no one move while I'm gone. (whispering): I'm scared.
Steve: You're safe. It's okay to leave the room. You have to actually leave the building for something cool to happen.
Barney: Thanks. You're the only one who's nice to me about this.
Steve: Okay, I got to test this.
(Steve throw a coin in the air, and it lands on its edge, everyone start yelling happily)
Barney: What happened?
Lily: You missed it!
Marshall: Dude, you walked out of the room, the laws of physics stopped and the laws of awesome tripled.
Barney: Aw, man! You said I could leave the room!
Steve: I just wanted to see something cool happen. I'm sorry. But I was on that island for what seems like eternity. I'm going to enjoy things on the other side.
Barney: No! Y-You... Robin, Robin. I will pay you to be The Blitz. $100! No-- $10,000. No-- 60 bucks. That's a lot of money for someone like you.
Marshall: Dude, The Blitz isn't something that can be bought or sold.
Zoey: Yeah, it's not like Ted's integrity.
Ted: Oh, what was that? I was distracted by the four-caret diamond your 53-year-old husband bought you.
Steve: Facial!
Ted: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a turturkeykey to baste.
Zoey: I'm coming with you.
Ted: No... I baste alone.
Zoey: Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.
Steve: Word play. Loving it.
Zoey: But relax. I've got a ton of sides to heat up since my plans fell through.
Ted: Who canceled? Your coven?
Steve: Coven. Group of witches.
Zoey: Yeah. They were worn out from putting that spell on your hair.
Steve: Oh! Serve returned.
Ted: Are you happy? You're ruining Thanksgiving.
Zoey: Well, you're not exactly who I thought I'd be spending Thanksgiving with, either.
Steve: God, I'm so happy to be here. My face hurts from smiling.
Ted: Oh... I'm sorry, Lily. I'm just never going to like that woman.
Lily: Ted, give her a chance.
Ted: Enemies can't become friends.
Zoey: Yes, they can. Right, guys?
Ted: No, no, no. You guys can't be objective. You still feel guilty about last night.
Robin: Well, let's get an outside opinion.
Ted: Who are we gonna...
Robin: "Dear Wang Guy...Can enemies ever be friends? Just wondering."
Ted: Really? Wang Guy? We're asking Wang Guy?
Robin: He's bold and uninhibited, so why not? And guys, you know what? For fun, why don't we ask him what he does for a living? Wouldn't that be fun? Just ask...
Lily: Aww. You've got a little crush on Wang Guy, don't you?
Robin: What? No. Shut up. I hate him.
(cell phone chimes)
Marshall: Oh, look. We got an answer. Here it is. "Yes, enemies can become friends. "Remember what Gandhi said. 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'"
Steve: Uh, did Wang Guy just quote Gandhi?
Barney, laughing: That is amazing. And I was here for it. Now Zoey is The Blitz. Ha, ha! (weak laugh) Burn on her.
Steve: Come on, man. Don't be that Blitz.
Barney: I'm not any Blitz! You're The Blitz! You're all The Blitz! I slept with that cute Indian girl who cuts my hair!
Robin: What does that have to do with anything?
Barney: Nothing! I just forgot to brag about it before!
Ted: Guys, despite the wit and wisdom of Wang Guy, Zoey and I are never going to be friends. We're just here for her oven and that's it.
(Ted inadvertantly bumps into Zoey, the entire bowl she was holding spills onto her)
Ted: Oh, my God!
Zoey: Did you do that on purpose?
Ted: What? No. It was an accident.
Zoey: Oh, yeah. Well, like this is.
Ted: Oh, great. Real mature.
Zoey: Yeah, well, you started it.
(Ted and Zoey are shouting)
Lily: Just stop it! God, can't you two just stop fighting for one day? Like, when the Roadrunner and the Coyote clocked out and had a beer together? Or-Or-Or Tom and Jerry shared a cup of coffee.
Ted: Lily, those are cartoon characters, and I'm pretty sure you're making up episodes. And if Zoey is a cartoon character, she's Cinderella's evil stepmother!
Zoey: Oh, get out. All of you, out!
Lily: But it's Thanksgiving.
Steve: And I'm a part of it.
Zoey: Out!
Inside a cab
Marshall: Wait... Where's Barney?
At Zoey's
Barney: Hey, guys, the most amazing thing just happened to me in that other roo... Aw, man.
Inside the cab
Lily: I don't get it. Why'd she just kick us out like that?
Ted from 2030: And then the cab driver said the last thing any of us wanted to hear.
Driver: Where to?
Ted: I guess we're going home.
Driver: Yeah. I don't know where that is.
Ted: Lily, where'd you get that?
Lily: Oh. When Zoey booted us, it made me want to steal something of hers again. Apartment full of designer labels, and what do I grab? "Happy Turkey Day, Hannah. Love, Zoey." I wonder who Hannah is.
[FLASHBACK]
Zoey: Hey, you guys should come to my house for Thanksgiving. My husband always spends it with his daughter, so I'm going to be alone, anyway. Well, you're not exactly who I thought I'd be spending Thanksgiving with, either.
Ted: And if Zoey is a cartoon character, she's Cinderella's evil stepmother!
Zoey: Get out! All of you, out!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: We have to go back to Zoey's.
Driver: You gotta throw me some addresses, buddy.
At Zoey's
Zoey: Oh, God. What are you doing here?
Ted: Barney let us in.
Zoey: Barney was here? I was walking around half-naked.
Barney: Aw, man! Wait. Which half?
Ted: Look, I'm sorry your stepdaughter didn't want to spend Thanksgiving with you.
Zoey: How do you know that?
Ted: I just do. It must be tough.
Zoey: It was the first Thanksgiving Hannah agreed to spend with me, and then at the last minute she changed her mind. She hates my guts.
Ted: I get that. Uh, you should hang on to this. You can give it to her next year.
Zoey: Yeah... Right. Next year.
Ted: Hey, you never know. People don't stay enemies forever.
Ted from 2030: And that's the story of how Zoey and I became friends.
Everyone: Cheers.
Zoey: Before we eat, we should take a group picture and send it to Wang Guy.
Marshall: Ooh. Oh. Great idea. All right. Okay. Here we go. One, two, three.
Zoey: Ted, that is the best-looking turturkeykey I have ever seen.
Ted: Thank you. Let's just hope it tastes as good as it looks.
Ted from 2030: It didn't. It tasted wrong.
Steve: Oops. We forgot to light the candles.
(Steve stands up to go looking for the candles)
Ted from 2030: And just as Barney looked away, it happened.
(Barney picks up his spoon, steve knock down the books on the chimney, which knock down a ball, which knocks down a pot of flowers, wich throws a hat right onto the turkey)
Everyone: The Gentleman!
Barney: What happened? I saw it!
Steve: Aw, come on, Blitz. Now it's just sad. Aw, man. Oh, go ahead. I forgot my jacket.
(Barney enters the elevator as a woman leaves her appartment)
Woman: Oh, hold the door!
(She enters the elevator and her dress gets stuck as the doors closes.The dress got torn apart)
Barney: Thank you, God!
Mysterious voice: Blitz.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x10 - Blitzgiving"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, in the winter of 2010, we had a new addition to our little group... Zoey. Zoey was married to... The Captain.
Zoey is coming out of a car
Captain: Boys! Great to see you! Looking smart. Have a wonderful time tonight, okay?
(The car leaves)
Marshall: Okay. That man is terrifying.
Barney: Everything he said was nice, but I am profoundly scared.
Ted: Keep smiling. He can still see us.
Ted from 2030: There was just something about him. We couldn't put our finger on it until...
The appartment
Marshall: I figured it out! I know what's so creepy about The Captain.
Robin: Okay.
(Robin shows a picture and everyone scream)
Marshall: Yeah. I snapped this photo of him last time he dropped off Zoey.Observe. The bottom half of his face... is smiling. He seems happy. Seems like a nice guy. (everyone is murmuring happily) But the top half of his face...wants to m*rder you! Cheerful. Wants to m*rder you. No. Cheerful. Wants to m*rder you. Now, hold on. Let me ask him a question. Captain, what do you think of ice cream? Oh, he loves it!
Barney: Captain, what do you think of rainy days?
Marshall: Whoa, he hates them.
Robin: Captain, quick question: How do you feel about the Jonas Brothers? Ooh.
Ted: Ooh. What-What is that?
Robin and Lily: I don't get it.
Marshall: He hates that he loves them.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Ted: Great. Okay. Hey, guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective tonight. Who's in?
Lily: Sorry, I'm, uh, I... I- I don't know, washing my hair.
Marshall: Running the water.
Robin: Holding the towel.
Barney: And I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited meto the big hair washing party.
Ted: All right, fine. Guess it'll just be me and Zoey.
Lily: Oh, wait. Just the two of you? Tread lightly, Mosby. Any time a single guy hangs out with a married woman, there are rules that must be followed. Rule number one...
Barney: Don't use the husband's condoms. That's just rude.
Lily: Rule number one: don't go anywhere that has candles.
Marshall: Excuse me, Captain, how do you feel about Ted and Zoey having an intimate chat by candlelight? It'll be the last dinner they ever have.
Lily: Rule number two: No sharing food. In fact, anything involving saliva is off-limits. Toothbrushes, thermometers, lipstick.
Ted: Well, if I can't share her lipstick,there's really no pointin even going.
Lily: And the most important rule of all...
Barney: Lubricant is public property. (Robin groans)
Marshall: Please.
Lily: No lying to the spouse about anything you do.
Ted: Why would anyone lie? Look, Zoey and I are just friends. If there was anything more than that, I wouldn't hang out with her.
Marshall: Lily's right, Ted. Once you're married, it's very hard to be friends with a single person of the opposite sex.
Robin: Yeah. Unless you're old friends, which is why I can hang out with Marshall whenever I want. Right, Marsh Madness?
Marshall: No doubt, Robo Cop.
Lily: You two never hang out alone. You just made up those nicknames right now.
Marshall: I guess it's true. You and I never really hang out alone.
Robin: Well, let's. Let's have dinner together, just the two of us.
Lily: Oh! Sweet. No candles.
Barney: Lily, I guess that leaves just you and me. Want to hang?
Ted from 2030: And then Lily said something to Barney that insulted every fiber of his being.
Lily: Nah.
Ted from 2030: Wait. No. It had to be more than just, "Nah." Oh, I think she said...
Lily: You're a big... stupid octopus head!
Ted from 2030: No, that doesn't make sense. Okay, hang on. What did she say? She said, um, uh... To be honest kids, I'm having a little trouble remembering exactly what their fight was about. Hey, it was 20 years ago! I'll remember. Anyway, the next night...
The Bar
Ted: Well, Lily, you were right. Something weird happened with Zoey last night.
[FLASHBACK]
(Zoey's phone rings)
Zoey: Oh, that's the Captain. Yes, I call my husband The Captain, but that is the only concession I make to his seafaring ways. Hang on. Ahoy. I'm just out with friends.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Friends. Plural. Like-Like there was more than one of me.
Lily: Ew! Ew! She lied to her husband? Uh-oh. So, what did you do?
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Uh, Zoey, um, did you just say you were out with friends?
Zoey: Yeah. The Captain's on his way home from Milan. He can get a little jealous sometimes, so I didn't want to make him worry. Is that okay?
Ted: It's totally okay.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: It's not okay! I didn't really think it was okay! Pur-leez! You lie to your husband all the time. "Uh, uh, that shirt looks great on you""I love your mom""I never fantasize about Barney when we're doing it"" Sound familiar, Pinocchio?
Marshall: What's wrong with this shirt?
Ted: Lily, ruling. Do I have to stop hanging out with Zoey?
Lily: No, you just need to spend time with her and The Captain together. If you're friends with the both of them, then there's not a problem.
Ted: Actually, I do have a standing invitation from The Captain to go for a ride with them on his boat.
Lily: Great. So go make nice with Captain Creepy, and problem solved.
Ted from 2030: The next night, Marshall and Robin went to dinner, just the two of them. Now historically, they had three solid conversation topics: cold weather...
Robin: December chill... so great.
Marshall: Totally.
Ted from 2030:...sports...
Marshall: Did you catch the game last night?
Robin: Yeah. Nail-biter.
Ted from 2030:...and cold weather sports.
Marshall: You know what's fun? Is cold weather sports.
Robin: They are fun.
Ted from 2030: They blew through them all in the first 16 seconds.
Robin: Man, this is awkward.
Marshall: She's giving me nothing! He's just staring at me! She's just staring at me! It's making me nervous. Great, now my left eye is twitching.
Robin: Marshall, it's cool. She doesn't see it. What the hell's going on with his eye? Am I supposed to not talk about that? Great, now my right eye is doing it.
Waiter: Can I get you two some drinks?
Marshall: Lots of drinks.
Robin: Oh, so many drinks.
The Bar
Ted from 2030: That same night, Barney and Lily were still fighting about, um... something. Or was it that other thing?
(Lily arrives)
Lily: Barney.
Barney: Save it, Lily. I am still mad at you for... something, and for that other thing.
Lily: Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. But let's be honest. You've been super sensitive lately.
Barney, crying: No, I haven't! God, how can you say that?!
Lily: Watch out!
Ted from 2030: Wait. They were on the street.
Lily: Watch out!
Barney: Oh! Wow. Thanks, Lily. You saved me. You saved us. Look, I know you didn't mean whatever it was you said that made me so mad.
Lily: I think I probably didn't.
Ted from 2030: And just like that, the fight was over. You know, kids, friendship is funny sometimes.
Lily: Wait. I still can't resist getting one last sh*t in.
Ted from 2030: Like I said, the fight was just getting started.
The Captain's boat
Ted: Hi, Captain. The Captain. Captain.
Captain: Ahoy, Ted! Excellent to see you.
Ted: Ah, you, too. Uh, where's Zoey?
Captain: Well, I'm afraid she's feeling a little under the weather. Looks like it's just you, me and six hours in frigid international waters.
Ted: Or we could stay on dry land, hang out with some... witnesses.
Captain: You're a hoot. I've been looking forward to this. For a very long time. Well, anchors aweigh!
Ted from 2030: Kids, here's one thing I do remember. I was pretty sure I was going to die that night.
The restaurant
Robin: You know, I had this really boring poetry class in college.
Marshall: You were just thinking that this dinner is really boring. That's what made you think of your boring class in college.
Robin: What?! What? No! No! No, no, no. Marshall, no. No. I... I just saw that board of specials, and I thought, you know what sucks? Being bored. Which I am not. So that clears that... right up.
Marshall: Robin, I'm an attorney.
Robin: Fine. This night's a little awkward.
Marshall: I guess it's 'cause we never hang out alone together.
Robin: Why is that?
Marshall: It's 'cause of The Mermaid Theory.
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Two years ago, I had just hired a new assistant at GNB.
Barney: So, who's the eye broccoli?
Marshall: Okay, that's Iris, my new assistant. And yes, she's a little plain, but I'm married, so that's good.
Barney: Mark my words, Marshall. Someday you will find Iris so excruciatingly attractive, you won't be able to look her directly in the boobs.
Marshall: I don't think that's gonna be a problem.
Barney: Marshall, do you know how the myth of mermaids came to be?
Marshall: I'm sorry. Myth?
Barney: It was 300 years ago. Sailors stuck at sea would get desperate for female companionship. It got so bad that, eventually, the manatees out in the water started to look like... beautiful women. Mermaids. Let's go get some tail! Oh. You see, every woman, no matter how initially repugnant, has a mermaid clock... the time it takes for you to realize you want to bone her. Sure, today you see Iris as a manatee. But she ain't gonna stay that way. Marshall, your secretary's mermaid clock starts right now.
Marshall: And it took one year, three months, and 16 days, but eventually...
Barney: D'oh! Told you. The Mermaid Theory. It's a thing. You owe me 500 bucks.
Marshall: Did we bet on this?
Barney: Let's say yes.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: And that's why we never hang out alone? Yes.
Marshall: As Lily's best friend, you are the last person on the planet o's allowed to turn into a mermaid.
Robin: Wait, does that mean that I'm a manatee right now?
Marshall: Big-time manatee.
Robin: What were those sailors thinking?
Marshall: Huh. I don't know. Being out at sea can do crazy things to a man.
On the boat
Captain: Vast, the sea. Deep. Endless. Going around for miles. You could scream and scream, and not a soul would hear you. Listen to this. (screams) Help! Somebody help me! I'm trapped on a boat with a madman! Help! See? Nothing.
(both laughing)
Ted: He's gonna k*ll me. Okay, calm down, Teddy. He's not jealous. He hasn't even mentioned Zoey.
Captain: So, Ted, I noticed you've been spending a lot of time with Zoey.
Ted from 2030: Okay, back to Barney and Lily and whatever the hell they were fighting about.
Lily: Seriously? I step away for five seconds, and you eat all my onion rings? No surprise there.
Barney: What's that supposed to mean? Are you calling me fat? If there is one thing you never do, it is call a woman fat right to her face!
Ted from 2030: Wait. Barney's not a woman. That's right... Barney wasn't hurt by Lily, Lily was hurt by Barney.
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Want to hang?
Barney: Nah. Watch out!
Lily: Wow... thanks, Barney. You saved me. You saved us.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: If there's one thing you never do, it's call a woman fat right to her face!
Ted from 2030: Okay, now I'm on track. The rest of this story should make perfect sense.
The Bar
Barney: Oh, Lily, I'm sorry. Hey, you want to see a magic trick?
Lily: You're a jerk.
Ted from 2030: Okay, that makes no sense. Kids, I'm officially admitting defeat. I will never remember this story. I'm sorry for wasting your time.
On the boat
Captain: Ted, let me show you my harpoon collection.
Ted: Just gonna make a quick call. Hey, silly question. What are our exact nautical coordinates?
Captain: How now? Oh, bother. (sighs) Well... she's a goner. By now, the icy tide has already dropped its core temperature to near freezing. And down it goes. Now it's at 50 meters. Complete crushing blackness. 100 meters. The pressure is so intense, the keys are popping right out of its head.
Ted: Head?
Captain: 200 meters. No one will ever find its mangled remains, save for the crustacea that feed off its lifeless husk. Can you hear me now? No. Because you're on the bottom of the sea.
Ted: Well, I got a big morning, so... Dry cleaners, bank, you know, so...
Captain: Ted, it's time. I have something for you. Wait here.
Ted:: Okay, you got to swim for it, Mosby. Man versus sea. You can do this. You didn't get a "Good Effort" ribbon from the Shaker Heights JCC Swim Camp because you don't have what it takes.
Captain: Found it. Zoey told me you're a scotch drinker. I bought this special for tonight.
Ted from 2030:And just as I started to realize that maybe I wasn't in danger after all, we h*t a bump.
(Ted falls into the water)
Captain: Ted?
The restaurant
Robin: you're afraid that if you spend too much time alone with me, I'll turn into a mermaid?
Marshall: Yes. I mean, sure, right now, you're bald and leathery ancovered in a thick layer of blubber...
Robin: Am I blushing or...?
Marshall:...but at some point, my stupid male brain will transform you into a foxy fish-babe singin' "Part of Your World" to my pants.
Robin: Okay, even if that happens, is there any way to un-mermaid me?
Marshall: I asked Barney the same thing.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: Once mermaid-ified, there's only one way a woman can go back to being unattractive again, but it's pretty gruesome.
Marshall: Death?
Barney: Worse. Pregnancy. If a baby's on board that train, it is headed straight back to Manatee City... where the grass ain't green and the girls ain't pretty.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Pregnancy?
Marshall: Mm-hmm. Once a mermaid gets pregnant, she becomes a manatee again. Never thought I'd say that sentence.
Ted from 2030: Wait! That's it! That's what Barney and Lily were fighting about! The Mermaid Theory! But their argument didn't happen at the same time as all this other stuff. I'm literally in the wrong year! It happened much, much later when Lily was... pregnant.
Barney: Well, Lily, I guess it's just you and me. You wanna hang?
Liy: Nah. Whenever we're alone, you spend the whole time undressing me with your eyes. You even take off my shoes.
Barney: High heels chafe my shoulders. But you don't have to worry about that anymore. Ever since you got pregnant, you're just a big fat manatee.
Lily: Well, you're a big... stupid octopus face!
Ted from 2030: That was it! I remember now!
Lily: Wow. Thanks, Barney. You saved me. You saved us. If there's one thing you never do, it's call a woman "fat" right to her face!
Barney: I'm sorry, Lily. Hey, you want to see a magic trick?
Lily: Oh... You're a jerk.
(Barney chuckles)
Barney: Hey. Hey, wait. Come on. I was kid... Wait, wait, wait! There's another addendum to The Mermaid Theory. A pregnant woman who's become a manatee can become a mermaid again through one simple act.
Lily:What's that?
Barney: Breast-feeding. Hot.
Lily: Really?
Barney: Really. When those things swell up to three times their normal size... so do I.
Lily: That's so sweet!
Ted from 2030: See kids? Told you I'd get it!
The Bar
(Ted enters, wearing a green dress)
Ted: Okay, now we're even!
Ted from 2030: Yeah, that's the ending to a whole other story. We'll get there.
On the boat
Captain: So you really thought I was gonna k*ll you?
Ted: Well... ish.
Captain: Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous. If I wanted to k*ll you, I'd invite you to my hunting lodge. It's far more remote, and I wouldn't have to worry about you turning up in some nosy fisherman's net.
Ted: See? It's stuff like that. Why-why do you talk that way?
Captain: Oh, I'm just jesting for sport. See, sometimes I don't bond as well with Zoey's younger friends. But I know she really likes you. I was hoping that maybe we could be buddies.
Ted: We can. We can be buddies. Just not on a boat.
Captain: Fair enough. The hunting lodge it is.
The appartment
(Robin is really drunk)
Robin, slurring: You know, once we stopped trying to have a conversation and just focused on the drinking... I had fun.
Marshall: Yeah, me, too.
Ted from 2030: And then a terrible thing happened. Marshall's beer goggles kicked in and his very drunk mind started to see...
(Marshall begins imagining Robin as a manatee with a blond wig)
Marshall: No... No, no! No! No, don't turn!
Robin: Uh-oh. I don't feel so good. (She vomits) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I am, I am so sorry! Oh! You must think I'm totally disgusting.
Marshall: I really do.
Ted from 2030: And from that moment on Marshall never worried about Robin becoming a mermaid again, and the two of them were closer than ever.
The Bar
Zoey: Hey, Ted.
Ted: Hey. You feeling better?
Zoey: I have a confession to make. I wasn't really sick.
Ted: You weren't?
Zoey: I'm sorry. I was just feeling guilty that I lied to The Captain and... I don't know, I just thought it would be good if you two spent some time together.
Ted: I get it. And you were right. He's a nice guy. I mean, he can be a little scary.
Zoey: Yeah, he gets a little m*rder-y when he's nervous.
Ted: Yeah, he's a creepy dude. But I like him. And I just want to make sure you and I hanging out doesn't, you know, cross any lines.
Zoey: Me, too.
Ted: I mean, if either one of us had even the slightest hint of feelings for the other, we shouldn't hang out. You don't, do you?
Zoey: No. Do you?
Ted: No.
Sailor #1: Still no sign of land.
Sailor #2: It's been 243 days since we've seen another living soul. What are you looking at?
Sailor #1: Dude, we need to find land.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x11 - The Mermaid Theory"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: In December of 2010, my friends and I decided to go see It's a Wonderful Life on the big screen. It seemed like something we all needed. After all, it had been a crazy couple of days. It all started...
Marshall's and Lily's appartment
Ted from 2030: With a pregnancy test.
Marshall: This is taking forever. Are you sure you did it right?
Lily: Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?
Marshall: Hey, can I ask you a question that's plagued me for years? Can girls aim?
Lily: Um, can boys aim? 'Cause it seems to me like I'm taking a mop to that bathroom floor every two days.
Marshall: Okay, you're the one who put the Far Side calendar up over the toilet. You know I laugh with my whole body.
Lily: It's been two minutes.
(Both exhale)
Marshall & Lily: One, two, three.
Lily: It's positive.
Marshall: It's positive? It's positive.
Ted's appartment
Lily: I'm pregnant.
Robin: What?!
Barney: I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry. Force of habit. Congratulations!
The Bar
Robin: To Lily and Marshall.
Marshall: Well, thank you. I mean, we've never been happier. Can't imagine anything bringing me down right now.
At the gynecologist
Doctor: You're not pregnant.
Marshall: Well, that did it.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Ted from 2030: Kids, this is the story of the 36 hours we all thought Lily was pregnant, and how it caused each of us to reexamine our own lives. Because while this was happening...
Marshall: Are you sure you did it right?
Ted from 2030:...I was on the phone with Punchy, my best friend from high school, who had recently asked me to be his best man.
Ted: Hey, Punchy, I've given this some serious thought. I think I know how we can crush these floral arrangements.
Punchy: Ah, here it comes. h*t me up, Schmos!
Ted: Peonies, lavender blossoms with a halo of baby's breath for an ambiance of springtime rejuvenation.
Punchy: That's exactly the accent of whimsy this celebration of love needs!
Ted: It's gonna be a magical day. (Ted hangs up) I know what you're thinking. I wish I was a dude.
Robin: I do wish you were a dude.
Ted: Because if I was a dude, I could have Ted Mosby as my best man.
Robin: No, and here's why.,Ted, the best man's job is not to crush the floral arrangements. It's to get the groom down the aisle, because, no matter who he is, he will freak out. And I just don't think you have what it takes to get that get that soldier to pick up his r*fle and charge up the hill.
Ted: Uh, are you forgetting I've done this before? I was Marshall's best man.
Robin: And how did that go again? Oh for one.
Ted: Oh, come on. That wasn't my fault. And need I remind you, I gave a beautiful toast.
Robin: Ted. (Both yelling) Oh, do you take one to be your lawfully wedded wife? Oh, God, I'm freaking out. Why did I chose Ted to be my best man?
Ted: Uh, yeah. It's hard to take criticism from someone who just recorded seven episodes of Million Dollar Heads or Tails.
Ted from 2030: Kids, Million Dollar Heads or Tails was an extremely popular show with an extremely simple premise.
Animator: All right, your practice flip came up tails... But our Vegas oddsmaker tells us that the next toss is still just 50-50. And so, Jordan, for one million dollars......Heads... or tails? (Audience shouting suggestions)
Jordan: What was the year of the coin again?
Ted: Why this sudden obsession with Heads or Tails?
Robin: Well, it turns out that Heads or Tails has a job opening.
(Audience shouting suggestions)
Jordin: Ta... heads.
Animator: Marni, flip that coin.
(She trhows it in the eye of the animator)
Robin: So now, because of that incident, Heads or Tails is looking for a new currency rotation specialist.
Ted: You mean coin flip bimbo?
Robin: They're not bimbos!
Ted: You auditioned, didn't you?
[FLASHBACK]
(Robin is auditionning, thorwing coins up in the air)
And you're Canadian?! Mm. Robin, aside from that coin, this is the other thing that's flipping right now. What is my lid? For you.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: You're the new coin flip bimbo?
Robin: Currency rotation specialist.
Ted: Robin, you better check yourself before you trebek yourself. You're a journalist! What is the matter with you?
Robin: Well, it's a national audience! I get to wear shiny dresses!
Ted: Robin, have you forgotten about your New Year's resolution?
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: I am never drinking again.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: No, before that.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin, slurring: I am gonna finish this whole bottle tonight.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Before that, too.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: I moved here to work for a big-time cable news channel like World Wide News. Mm-hmm. Well, by this time next year, I will be wearing a World Wide News I.D. badge around my neck. And to show you that I'm serious, this is my first and only drink of the night. Okay. Okay? Oh, damn, that's smooth.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: I thought you finally got that interview at World Wide News.
Robin: Well, I did, but they only offered me a boring, low-paid, off-camera research job.
Ted: Which could be a stepping stone to bigger things in your career.
Robin: Well, so could Heads or Tails. (snorts) The first currency rotation specialist went on to be a semi-finalist on The Bachelor, and then, she lost, like, a hundred pounds on The Biggest Loser, and now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab.
Ted from 2030: It seemed like there was no changing Robin's mind. But what we didn't know, in that moment, was that our world was about to be turned upside down.
Ted's appartment
Lily: I'm pregnant.
Robin: What?!
Ted from 2030: Now, kids, when your friends have great news, you're happy for them... For, like, a millisecond. And then you start thinking about yourself.
Robin: Oh, my God! They're really having a baby. What am I doing with my life? Starting Monday, I'm a currency rotation spe... Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a coin flip bimbo, and I'm still single. Okay, let's not go there, Scherbatsky. That's a whole other thing. I've got to take that World Wide News job.
Ted from 2030: And so, the next night, we had two things to celebrate.
The Bar
Robin: Well, you are looking at the new associate researcher at World Wide News.
Marshall: Oh, my gosh. That's amazing news.
Ted: What changed your mind?
Robin: Marshall and Lily. I just realized that I am about to have a little niece who looks up to me. And I don't want to be sad aunt Robin, the aging coin flip bimbo who gives her the creeps. I want to be cool aunt Robin, the respected journalist... (quietly) Who gives her beer.
Lily: What?
Robin: What? Oh. I have never seen you guys looking so at peace. To Lily and Marshall.
Marshall: Well, thank you. I mean, we've never been happier.
Ted from 2030: So the next day Robin called Heads or Tails to respectfully decline.
The appartment
Robin: Hi, Mr. Trebek. This is Robin Scherbatsky.
Ted from 2030: But at that moment...
At the Gynecologist
Doctor: You're not pregnant.
Robin: As honored as I am by the offer, um... (Phone chirps) Oh, my God. They're not having a baby. What am I getting all up in my head about? That research job sounds hard. And I'm pretty. I'm really, really pretty.
In front of the movie theater
Robin: You are looking at the new coin flip bimbo.
Ted: You took the Heads or tails job?
Robin: Yeah.
Ted: What about World Wide News, your I.D. badge? You made a New Year's resolution.
Robin: Okay, I also said I would never make out with a garbage man. Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. What's with the gingerbread house?
Ted: We're seeing a Christmas movie. It's a Christmas-themed movie snack.
Robin: Let's hope Santa brings you a girlfriend this year, Teddy.
Ted: Where the hell is Barney?
Ted from 2030: Where was Barney? Let's back up again.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted from 2030: You see, while this was going on...
Marshall & Lily: It's positive.
Ted from 2030:...This was happening.
Robin: And now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab.
(Barney enters)
Barney: Hey, guys. A yuletide riddle. What is my second favorite word that begins with b-o-n?
Ted: Bon Jovi?
Barney: Yeah. What is my third favorite word that begins with b-o-n? (Imitates buzzer) Bonus. As in, my end-of-the-year bonus check.
Ted: My God, Barney! I work for GNB, too. All I got was $15 gift card to Costa Coffee.
Barney: And you earned it, buddy. Check out what I'm gonna buy for myself. The dibiase. See those pinstripes? Diamonds. It is the uppest a person could ever suit.
Ted: Uh, has it ever occurred to you to give some of this to charity?
Barney: Charity? You're seriously talking to me about charity? Dude, I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over-thirties... I am the bill and Melinda gates of the sympathy bang.
(Marshall and Lily arrives)
Marshall: Hey, guys. Big announcement.
Ted: Let me guess. You got a huge bonus check, too.
Marshall: No, just a $30 gift card to Costa Coffee.
Ted: Thirty?!
Lily: I'm pregnant.
Robin: What?!
Barney: What?! I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry, force of habit. Congratulations!
Barney: Huh. Marshall and Lily are doing something meaningful. And it's making me less happy about this bonus. And I'm still single. At least I got that going for me. So why do I still feel outside of awesome looking in? What am I doing with my life?
The Bar
Marshall: we've never been happier. can't imagine bringing e down right now.
Barney: Oh, Marshall, you only think you're happy. Just wait, because tonight, (imitating Oprah) is Barney's Favorite Things!
(Everyone is cheering)
Ted from 2030: That was the reaction Barney expected. This was the one he got.
Marshall: Huh? I don't know what that is.
Barney: Barney's Favorite Things! I'm gonna give you all a bunch of free stuff... like Oprah. Just get excited, okay?
Ted from 2030: The next hour got pretty weird.
Barney: Velour track suits!
Marshall: Velour is so comfortable. They're so soft.
Barney: Remote control helicopters! Condoms! And last but not least... There is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to... A strip club! (Applause, cheering) You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You're gonna give me a lap dance! Everybody gets a lap dance! That was amazing! It was like a diamond suit for my soul. I gotta keep going. I gotta do more.
Ted: No. No! I cannot go back to that strip club. I seen some things.
Barney: I'm not going back either. I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.
Ted from 2030: The next day, he paid a visit to the most charitable man he knew, his half-brother's father, Sam Gibbs, a minister at a church out on Long Island.
At the church
Barney: Sam. Uh, father. I-I don't mean father father. Unless...
Sam: What's up, Barney?
Barney: I'm thinking about giving some money to charity.
Sam: Is that the name of the stripper you've been e-mailing me about? You got to take me off that list, Barney.
Barney: No, I don't mean that charity. That charity is doing peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week's e-mail.
Sam: What up! Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.
Barney: I-I recently started giving, and it felt surprisingly good. I want to do more.
Sam: Well, now you're talking. We have this program that helps those in need get back on their feet. We give them food, a place to live, clothes for job interviews.
Barney: Well, I would love to help by writing a check for... one, zero, zero, zero...
At the gynecologist
Doctor: You're not pregnant.
(Both gasp)
At the church
Barney:...Zero... (Cell phone chimes) Woops. Hold on a second. Wait. They're not doing something meaningful with their lives. Well, this changes everything. Oh, no, I've already written four zeroes. Thank you, decimal point. One hundred dollars.
Sam: That's great. Thank you, Barney!
In front of the movie theater
Barney: Diamond suited up. Hey, Ted, can you spot me for the movie? I don't like to carry a lot of cash on me.
Ted: What happened to giving the money away?
Barney: Yeah, that was back when Lily was pregnant. Now she's not. Ergo, a suit is born. (Chuckles) Dude, what's up with the gingerbread house? You look ridiculous!
Ted: It's a Christmas-themed movie snack!
Barney: Ah, I know that move. You cut a hole in the floor, she reaches into the living room, finds the tree... Nice.
Ted: Where the hell are Marshall and Lily?
Ted from 2030: Let's back up one last time.
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: I'm pregnant.
Robin: What?!
Barney: What?! I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry, force of habit. Congratulations!
Marshall: This is great. I'm happy. I'm so happy, my heart's pounding. And I'm sweating. And I can't breathe. This is what happiness feels like, right? Oh, crap. Lily's having a baby and I'm having a panic att*ck. I hope she can't tell what I'm thinking right now.
Lily: I can. And I'm freaking out, too! There's an alien growing in my stomach that's gonna explode out of my vagina!
Marshall: Do you think the others can tell we're freaking out?
Robin: What am I doing with my life?
Barney: What am I doing with my life?
Ted: I should get a Christmas-themed movie snack for tomorrow night.
Marshall: They're totally onto us. What do we do?
Lily: Just keep smiling, maybe wave. No, don't wave! That makes no sense!
Marshall: I'm committed. I'm riding this wave straight to hell.
Lily: Let's leave, then the waving will make sense.
Ted from 2030: Narrator: So Marshall and Lily headed home.
Marshall's and Lily's appartment
Marshall: Lily, we have to relax. There's no need to panic. True, there's a lot to do, but we've got nine months to prepare. So I say that we just make a list of everything that needs to get done before the baby arrives and do everything on that list tonight!
Lily: Let's do it! Uh-huh, got it. Okay, that seems easy.
(Marshall enters the room, with paint all over him)
Marshall: Nursery's painted!
Lily: Blue? What if it's a girl?
Marshall: Damn it!
(Later, Lily is kneeting, Marshall is putting protections onto the furnitures)
Lily: Oh, God, it's 8:00! We're supposed to meet the g*ng at the bar to celebrate.
Marshall: Oh, God. Okay, listen. When we meet them, we have to keep it together. Can you keep it together?!
Lily: No, I can't keep it together!
The Bar
Robin: I have never seen you guys looking so at peace. To Lily and Marshall.
Marshall: Well, thank you. I mean, we've never been happier.
Marshall's and Lily's appartment
Marshall: This is a nightmare! We've done everything wrong!
Lily: The iPod was on shuffle! (Rock music stops) The Jerky Boys! Our baby heard the Jerky Boys!
Marshall: You know what, the Jerky Boys are funny.
Lily: The Jerky Boys aren't funny, they are awful.
Marshall: You know what, fine, if you don't think the Jerky Boys are funny, then I'm not sure that I can raise a child with you, liver lips.
Lily: Marshall, I don't like this.
Marshall: I know. Okay? I don't like it either. It's like I have a hot, burning ball of stress in my chest, and nothing will make it go away!
Doctor: You're not pregnant.
Marshall: Well, that did it.
Doctor: I know this probably comes as quite a disappointment.
Marshall: Yeah. Huge bummer.
Lily: So disappointing.
In front of the movie theater
Ted: Are you guys okay?
Lily: Huh? Yeah. Why wouldn't we be? Oh, the baby thing.
Marshall: Oh, yeah, whatever. Oh, Christmas-themed movie snack. Nice.
Lily: Don't reach into the living room!
Ted: Wow, I-I thought you guys would be devastated.
Marshall: Oh. You know, we're actually kind of relieved. We were freaking out for about a day and a half there.
Lily: Yeah, this whole thing got us thinking. Maybe we're not ready for kids yet after all.
Marshall: Yeah, we were thinking maybe we would just get a dog.
Barney: Get a puppy!
Marshall: Can you imagine... That would be the cutest thing!
Ted, yelling: No!
(Ted throws his snack down)
Barney: Oh. Our movie snack.
Ted: Are you kidding me?! All you ever talk about is having kids! And now you have one little freak-out and you want to get a dog instead?! No. Unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, you're gonna go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child. Right now! I'm serious! Go, go, go!
(Marshall and Lily leave)
Barney, singsongy: Marshall and Lily got in trouble.
Ted: And you! Ooh. Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna go get your money back and give it to charity. And I don't mean that stripper you keep e-mailing us about, even though we beg you to take us off that list.
Barney: I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark!
Ted: Criminals of New York! Attention! This man is wearing a diamond-covered suit! You could retire on the pants alone! Merry Christmas!
(Barney runs away)
Robin, stuttering: So, if I get a large popcorn, you want to go split-skees or...
Ted: And you... You did not move to the greatest city on earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. So here's how it's gonna work: Heads, you take the job at World Wide News; Tails, you take the job at World Wide News. Ow! Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!
Robin: Fine, I'll call them tomorrow. I'll call them right now.
(Ted's phone rings as Robin is leaving)
Ted: Hello.
Punchy: Ted, I can't get married!
Ted: Yes, you can! You love her!
Punchy: You're right, I do! Thanks, Ted!
Ted: One for It's a Wonderful Life, please. Thank you.
Marshall's and Lily's appartment
Marshall: We're idiots.
Lily: This kid doesn't stand a chance.
Marshall: We're ready for this.
Lily: We're ready for this.
At the church
Sam: Wow. That's a lot of zeroes. Y-you sure you're not missing a decimal point?
Barney: Nope.
At World Wide News
Woman: And that's the tour. Uh, staff meeting's at noon, you'll meet everyone there, but first you need to head down to security. You need to get your picture taken. For your I.D. badge.
Marshall"s and Lily's appartment
Marshall: You sure?
Lily: Positive.
At the church
Barney: And there's more. Do you still do that thing where you give people in need clothes for job interviews?
Sam: Yeah. Why?
Barney: Bring 'em in, boys! Merry Christmas.
Sam: Thank you, son.
Barney: Son?!
Sam: It's just an expression. I'm still not your dad.
Ted's appartment
Ted: Congratulations.
Robin: You know, that was really cool what you did. When we all needed it, you got us back on the right path.
Ted: It's what I do.
Robin: Hey, Ted, if I, um, if I ever get married and you're not the guy I'm marrying...
Ted: Big mistake, but go on.
Robin:...I could really use someone like you. You know, in case I freak out. When I freak out. You interested?
Ted: Are you asking what I think you're asking?
Robin: Ted, will you be my best man?
Ted: Scherbatsky... I'm gonna crush it.
The Bar
Barney: Hi, there. We've had a lot of fun tonight, but on a more serious note, this is the time of year when we remember the importance of giving. And there's no greater gift than the gift of booty. So, this holiday season, why not bang someone in need? I'm Barney Stinson, and that's... One to grow on.
Woman: Um, no.
Barney: Hi, there. You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight...
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x12 - False Positive"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, when Lily and Marshall started trying to have a baby, they went a little crazy.
At the doctor
Lily: We've been trying and trying, and still nothing's happened. I'm just worried we can't have children.
Doctor: And how long have you been trying?
Lily: Six days.
Ted from 2030: But then, months went by, and still nothing happened.
Lily: Something must be wrong. W... we're doing it a lot.
Marshall: And everywhere... the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, outside in your wait... the kitchen.
Lily: Seriously, Doc, why isn't this happening?
Doctor: Look, if you're really worried, here is a number for a reproductive endocrinologist... Dr. Stangel. He's the best in the city.
The Bar
Marshall: Dr. John Stangel? I don't know, baby, do we really need a specialist?
Lily: Well, what's your plan, Marshall, just have unprotected sex day after day after day in every position imaginable until...? Wait, it sounded worse in my head.
Barney: Guys, we've got a problem. This is the application for the regional doubles laser tag tournament in Poughkeepsie. Problem is, only one of you can be my partner. So it looks like we've got a bake-off. You may now present your arguments.
Marshall: I'm not playing laser tag.
Ted: I'm absolutely not playing laser tag.
Marshall: Damn it.
Barney: And Marshall's the winner.
Lily: Well, I'm gonna call Dr. Stangel. It can't hurt.
Ted from 2030: So Aunt Lily went to see Dr. John Stangel, the man who knew more about human reproduction than anyone in New York City.
Stangel: So I understand you want to get pregnant.
[OPENING CREDITS]
The Bar
Barney: Yeah, and it cuts in and out.
Lily: Ooh! How did you do it?
Barney: Oh, God, you found one of the cameras. I swear that's the only one. Wait, which one did you find?
Lily: What are you talking about?
Barney: What are you talking about?
Lily: My visit to a certain Dr. Stangel.
[FLASHBACK]
Strangel: We'll look at all the factors that contribute to fertility: dietary, environmental, genetic. But first, Ms. Aldrin, do you have any questions for me?
Lily: Just one, "Dr. Stangel". Where'd you get the beard?
Strangel: Well, m... my mother's Armenian.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Lily, I've been with Barney since 9:00 a.m. Between the sexual harassment seminar all morning and the secretary beauty pageant all afternoon, he hasn't left my sight.
Lily: Wait, so you weren't wearing a fake beard and examining girl parts all day?
Barney: Not today I wasn't.
Ted: Wow, we finally found Barney's doppelganger. I guess we can tell you now, Lily. That hot dog guy did not look like Barney.
Lily: Uh, Marshall?
Marshall: Yes, I know, we made our little deal with the universe, but...
Lily: No, we've made a binding covenant with the universe. We said we weren't going to try to have kids until we saw Barney's doppelganger. Oh, this is bad news. This is like a black cat walked through my uterus. Okay, that's it. I am going back to Dr. Stangel and getting thoroughly checked out.
Barney: Or... or cost-saving alternative: you could get checked out by someone who looks just like him. I'm gonna go scrub up. I'll meet you in stall three.
At Dr Strangel's office
Lily: I still kind of think it's Barney.
Marshall: There's no way it's Barney.
Stangel: Hello, you must be Mr. Eriksen. I am Dr. Stangel.
Marshall: It's Barney. Wow. Really, dude, bravo. You almost got a peek. But seriously, what second-rate community theater did you get...?
Stangel: Would you...? I...
Marshall: So my wife and I are trying to get pregnant.
Stangel: All right, Ms. Aldrin, please just put your feet up in the stirrups. We can begin.
Lily: Uh-uh, no. Can't do it.
Marshall: No, but, baby, I yanked on his beard.
Stangel: He checks out. I really don't have time for this.
Marshall: No, Barney... Doctor, wait, please, it's... Can you just give us a couple minutes? I... Lily, how can I convince you that this is not Barney?
Barney: Wow, it is like looking into a poorly dressed mirror.
Stangel: Okay, you have to go. Leave the model of the vagina.
Lily: Okay. Convinced.
Stangel: Great. All right, you're a little low on the table. Please scoot up.
Lily: "Suit up"... not convinced. This whole thing stinks to high heaven.
Marshall: Baby, you just saw Barney.
Lily: He could have pulled some crazy switch. Remember when his Swedish cousin came to visit?
Marshall: Oh, yeah... Bjorney.
Lily: Yeah, I'm sorry, but unless I see Barney at the same time, I... I'll never be sure that Dr. Stangel isn't him.
(Later)
Barney: How you doing, Lily?! Should I have a boner?!
Strangel: Okay, we're all done. I'll call you in a few days with the results.
Lily: Thank you.
Barney: Hey, you don't mind if I take pictures, do you?!
Lily: Can we leave him in here for a while?
Strangel: I'm done for the day. You can leave him in here all night.
Barney: Aw, yeah. Smile for the birdie, Lil! Gyno-mite!
Ted from 2030: Now, while all this was going on, your Aunt Robin was starting her new job at World Wide News, aka the big leagues. She was excited. This job was a new start, a clean slate.
The appartment
Ted: So, first day of work?
[FLASHBACK]
Woman: Everyone, say hello to your new research associate Robin Scherbatsky.
Robin: Hi, guys.
Woman: Oh, here comes our new Hardfire host. Robin, this is Sandy Rivers.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Sandy Rivers?!
Ted from 2030: Sandy Rivers... Robin's old co-host and my old nemesis.
[FLASHBACK]
Sandy: We should have sex.
[END OF FLAHBACK]
Ted: Oh, I hate that guy.
Robin: It gets worse.
[FLASHBACK]
Woman: Sandy, this is...
Sandy: Robin.
Woman: You two know each other?
Sandy: Know each other? We've had sex.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: You had sex with Sandy Rivers?
Robin: No! Ugh! And I can't believe it's my first day, and already I'm the girl who slept with the host of the show.
Ted: Already? Were you planning on eventually sleeping with the host?
Robin: Well, now that I know it's Sandy, I'm not.
Marshall's and Lily's appartment
Marshall: Hey, babe.
Lily: Hi, honey. There's a couple messages on the machine. Your dad called. He wants to know if you have any sixes.
Marshall: Yeah, uh, we got a game of "Go Fish" going on the phone. P.S., Pops, go fish. Who's the second message from?
Lily: Dr. Stangel's office. I'm extremely fertile.
Marshall: You're extremely fertile! Oh, my God. I told you there was nothing to worry about. I got to call my dad and tell him the good news. If you're fertile, um, then that means I'm the problem.
The Bar
Lily: Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.
Marshall: Well, I was just putting on a brave face. Okay, think about it: we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. Obviously I'm the problem.
Barney: Problem?! You can't get a girl pregnant. That's the dream. I'd give my firstborn to not be able to have children.
(Robin arrives)
Ted: So, second day of work?
Lily: What's wrong?
Ted: Oh, you didn't hear? She's the office slut.
Lily: Already? Oh, honey.
Robin: I wish I was the office slut.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: And we can explore how those policy changes will affect Iraq.
Sandy: Yes. We definitely had sex.
Robin: We did not have sex.
Sandy: Then why do I remember you?
Robin: I don't know, maybe because I'm a smart, talented, professional.
Sandy: No, none of those. Oh, I remember. We didn't have sex.
Robin: Thank you.
Sandy: You're the girl who did the report on the carriage driver and slipped and fell in horse poop...
Robin: We did have sex.
Sandy: Oh, I... I remember now. Gregory, do me a favor.
Robin: But this reporter takes pride in...
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: And now everyone calls me Scherpoopie. It's not funny.
Ted: Robin, a word of advice: play along. Okay, the more you fight it, the worse it's going to get. It's like when your car slides on ice, you steer into the skid.
Barney: Exactly! Or when your... I don't know... friend invites you to a laser tag tournament, you don't fight it. You just strap on the vinyl holster and race into that abandoned JCPenney g*n a-blazin'. I'm just agreeing with Ted.
(Marshall's phone starts ringing)
Marshall: Oh, it's my dad.
Ted: Aren't you going to get it?
Marshall: No, no, you know what? Um, I'm gonna get my stuff checked out first. I'll call my dad after Dr. Stangel gives me the thumbs up.
Ted: He has to do that?
Robin: But I thought you talk to your dad about everything.
Marshall: I only like to call my dad with good news. I mean, telling him good news is what makes it feel real to me.
[FLASHBACKS]
Marshall: I'm getting married!
Marvin: Yeah...!
Marshall: I passed the bar!
Marvin: All right!
Marshall: I found an amazing Viking lamp that fits right on the coffee table, as long as we don't mind stepping over the cord.
Marvin: That's what I'm talking about!
Marshall: Right?! I found someone who can fix the Viking lamp!
[END OF FLASHBACKS]
Marshall: But the news that I might not be able to give him a grandchild? You know, like, I don't even know how to have that conversation.
Barney: I'll show you. "Dad, there's, uh, there's something I need to tell you, and it's going to come as a bit of a shock to you, but here goes. You are speaking to the 2011 Tri-County Laser Tag Co-Champion".
Marshall: Barney, I've already told...
Barney: "Oh, and my sperm don't work. Yeah, yeah, the laser tag thing is awesome".
The appartment
Ted: So, third day of work?
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: And the fertilizer is seeping into the ground water, causing...
Sandy: Is Scherpoopie pitching a story about manure? Genius.
Robin: Okay, yes, I, uh, I fell into some manure. It's hilarious, fine. In a five-year career of on-air reports, there are bound to be a few embarrassing moments.
Sandy: A few?
Robin: Uh, but in my case, it was just the one, and you found it, so, uh... Just the one.
Sandy: Gregory.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Oh, God. What did they find?
Robin: Everything.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: *Everybody, come and play*... I'm a dirty, dirty girl... *Throw every last care away; Let's go to the mall today; Today, today*... The Federal Reserve Board voted to leave interest... * Let's go to the mall; Today; Let's go to the ma-a-all; Let's got to the mall today; Let's go to the ma-a-all; Today; Let's go to the mall; Today; Let's go to the ma-a-all; Today... ; Let's go to the mall... *
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: They even found the video of me getting att*cked by an owl.
Ted: You got att*cked by an owl?
Robin: I did not get att*cked by an owl.
Ted: Robin, listen, here's what you need to do...
Robin: Okay, don't you dare tell me to steer into the skid, okay? It's too late. I'm already wrapped around a hydro pole. It's a Canadian telephone pole. I never should have taken this job.
Ted from 2030: Kids, at that moment, I knew what I had to do for my friend Robin. But first I had to do something for me.
Ted: Show me "owl att*ck".
At Dr Stangel's office
Marshall: I am freaking out. Is there a chance that I can't have kids? I've been h*t in the nuts a lot.
Stangel: Well, we won't know anything until we run some tests. We'll need a sample of your sperm. No, no, no. There's a room at the end of the hall. If you find yourself inside the elevator, you've gone too far. You'd think I wouldn't have to say that, but you'd be surprised.
(Marshall goes out of the exam room and cross a man leaving the he is now entering)
Man #1: All yours, buddy. The thing you're about to do in here... I did that in here, too. Three minutes ago.
Man #2: I was here eight minutes ago.
Man #3: 14 minutes ago.
Man #4: I'm here every Thursday.
Marshall: I can't do it, Doc. Is there, like, another option? Could I... Could I take this home?
Stangel: Sure, you could, but, uh... we close in an hour and I'm not back till Tuesday. So, clock is ticking. Make it fast.
Marshall: Only way I know how, Doc. Only way I know how.
Marshall's and Lily's appartment
Marvin: Surprise!
Judy: Surprise!
Marshall: Mom. Dad. Uh... What are you doing here?
Judy: We hadn't heard from you in a couple days. We were worried about you.
Marvin: For God's sake, son. Do you have any sixes?
Marshall: Go fish. Excuse me. Hey, Lily, can I just talk to you in here for a minute?
Lily: Oh, yeah. Isn't it great? They just showed up. Your mom's already rearranged my kitchen, organized my closet... and she asked me if I lost height. Not weight. Height.
Marshall: Yeah, I'm very excited that they're here, too. But right now, I have to get excited about something else.
Lily: Oh, okay. Well, I'll go handle your parents. And you handle your, well... Wait, wait, wait. Marshall.
Marshall: Thank you, baby. You're the best.
(Marshall is in the bathroom)
Judy: Marshall. Marshall. I just got my new bathing suit for the beach this summer. It's a two-piece. I mean, can you imagine? Me in a two-piece bathing suit at my age? Just picture it! Picture it!
Marvin: That's why Fred Cox is the greatest kicker the Vikings ever had.
Seriously, Marshall, picture it. Just picture it.
Marvin: Give me a "C". Give me an "O". Give me an "X". What's that spell? Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox!
Ted: Uh... Okay, I did a bad thing last night. I looked up his address.
Robin: Who?
Ted: Sorry. You said "who". It reminded me of the owl footage. Genius. No. Sandy. How dare he laugh at you. Who does he think... Sorry. "Who". Anyway. I looked up his address in your contact list.
Robin: Oh, God. Tell me you didn't go over there.
Ted: I just thought he needed to listen to common sense and reasonable discourse.
Robin: Oh, God. Tell me those aren't the names of your fists.
Ted: They're my feet. I'm actually more of a kicker. So I went to his apartment.
[FLASHBACK]
Sandy: Ah... You're not the pizza guy.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Oh, my God. This is...
Ted: This is how you make sure Sandy never makes fun of you again. I told you to steer into the skid. That was bad advice. So new advice. Steer into Sandy, and run him down.
Robin: If people found out Sandy wears a toupee...
Ted: Really? That's your take-away? Nothing on the bear in the bra?
Robin: Oh, no. He's very open about that. That's Gregory. Nice guy.
Marshall's and Lily's appartment
Judy: And the top is so low-cut. Your father says he has front-row seats to the Minnesota Twins. Oh. Oh. By the way, Marshall, we do need to know if you're coming to Florida this summer. Are you coming? Marshall? Marshall, are you coming?
(Marshall opens the door steps out)
Marshall: This isn't working.
Marvin: Where you going, son?
Marshall: I'm... I'm going to... I'm... I'm going to...
Ted from 2030: Kids, to this day, your uncle Marshall is thankful for what Lily said next.
Lily: He's going to masturbate.
Marshall: Lily!
Lily: Marshall, just tell them what's going on.
Ted from 2030: And so Marshall told his parents everything.
Marshall: And so, now, I'm just scared that we won't be able to give you a grandchild.
Judy: Aw, Marshall. Hey, we don't care about that one bit. And if you guys want kids, there are other ways. Adoption. Maybe you have a good friend who could loan you some sperm?
Marshall: Aw, yeah. Maybe adoption.
Marvin: What I'm saying is, we love you no matter what. Now, why don't you pretend you're in high school, get back in that bathroom, and "blow dry your hair".
Marshall: Wait, you knew?
Judy: We didn't have a hair dryer, dear.
The appartment
Ted: So? Possibly last day of work?
Robin: Actually, it was a good day.
[FLASHBACK]
Sandy: And I need more numbers on how the holiday season impacted the economy. Sparkles, got anything on malls?
Robin: Actually, Sandy, I have something I think you're all gonna want to see.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Yes! Put him in a body bag!
Robin: Okay, I didn't do it.
Ted: What?
Robin: I didn't want to just viciously att*ck someone out of the blue like some kind of...
Ted: Owl?
Robin: Exactly. So, instead of taking your advice, I took your advice.
Ted from 2030: That day, Robin decided to steer into the skid. And though she never quite shook the nickname, Sparkles went on to do very well at World Wide News. Especially after this happened.
Ted from 2030: After his parents had gone back to Minnesota, Marshall got the results of his test.
Stangel: I'm afraid I have some very bad news, Marshall. Judging from the results of your test, it is... it is very unlikely that you'll be able to father a child.
Marshall: Oh, God.
Stangel: I know, I know.
Marshall: It's just...
Stangel: Now... in some rare cases, a regimen change can fix the problem, so I'm recommending a spirited cardio routine. Preferably with a partner, involving any light-based firearm activity in the Tri-State area. Poughkeepsie, for example. Have you heard of the gentlemen's sport known as laser tag? Surprise!
Marshall: Damn it, Barney! What are you doing in here?
Barney: Think about it, Marshall. All entrants get 20% off at the snack bar! Oh, BT-dub, the receptionist. What's her situation?
Stangel: Go! Well, Marshall. I've got your results.
Marshall: And?
Stangel: Your sperm is fine.
The Bar
Marshall: My sperm is fine!
[FLASHBACK]
Stangel: Count, motility... everything's off the charts. You, sir, have got some strong swimmers.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Bro, that is awesome. Motility five!
Marshall: Hey, um, can I borrow your phone? I want to call my dad.
Ted: Yeah, go ahead.
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Man, this is great. I was expecting bad news. I really was.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: You're here! Oh, my God! I love you so much! Can you believe it?
Lily: Marshall... Something's happened. Um... Your father, he had a heart att*ck. He... he didn't make it.
Marshall: My dad's d*ad? I'm not ready for this.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x13 - Bad News"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, when your best friend loses someone...
Marshall: My dad's d*ad?
Ted from 2030:...you drop everything and rush to his side only to find yourself standing there with no idea what to do or say.
At Marvin's funeral
Ted: This is the toughest time in Marshall's life and I feel absolutely useless. What can we do to help?
Lily: Don't look at me. This morning Marshall said, "I have to pee." And I, "Don't worry, baby, I'll do it for you." Halfway through the pee, I'm, like, "This doesn't even make sense!"
Robin: Well, uh, I've been to a couple funerals, so I know my role: I'm Vice Girl. Whatever Marshall needs to get through this day, I got it right here.
Ted: Cigarettes, alcohol... Are these firecrackers? My God, Robin, you somehow crammed Tijuana into a purse.
Robin, hushing: Be cool, nerds!
Lily: Marshall's mom hasn't eaten, slept or sat down since we got here. Wait! That can be my role! I'll take care of Judy!
Robin: Yeah, but doesn't Marshall's mom hate you--the fact that you two aren't very close?
Ted, whispering: Sweet save.
Lily: Okay, yes, Judy and I aren't besties, but today, whatever she needs, I'm there. I'm on Judy duty.
Ted: "Judy duty."
Barney: She said "doody."
Robin: Really, guys? At a funeral?
Ted: Uh, okay, while not all of us possess your lofty sense of decorum, Drug-DealerFrom-An-'80s-After-School-Special, we have to laugh today. It's healthy.
Barney: Wait a minute! Today, we are gonna make Marshall laugh.
Robin: How?
Barney: Ted, what's the one thing that always cracks him up?
Ted: Internet footage of a guy getting h*t in the nuts.
Barney: Internet footage of a guy getting h*t in the nuts, exactly! So we are gonna get our bro a four-star nad rattler. You search knees, feet, banisters, f*re hydrants and diving boards, and I'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks, golf clubs and riding crops.
Ted: What about animals?
Barney: Uh... Claws, paws, talons, hooves, beaks and clenched monkey fists. We can do this!
Marshall: Hey, guys, sorry, uh... I left my charger back in New York, so my phone's out of juice. Does anyone have...?
Robin: Outlet or USB?
Marshall: Uh, outlet. Thank you. Oh...
Lily: Wow, you really do have everything in there, don't you?
Ted: You're like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was also filled with drugs.
Robin: "If"? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. "Spoonful of sugar..."? Grow up.
Reverend: I'm so sorry for your loss, Judy.
Judy: Thank you, Reverend.
Reverend: Unfortunately, I can't. My daughter in Chicago just went into labor. But I'm leaving you in the capable hands of my second-in-command: my son.
Marshall: Your son?
Reverend: Oh, you remember Trey. I'll go grab him.
Marshall: Guys... Trey Platt terrorized me growing up. He was, he was the toughest bully in school.
Trey: 'Sup Marshall.
Marshall: Hello, Trey. Long time. Mm-hmm. I was not aware that you had become a reverend.
Trey: Yeah, well, your lunch money finally ran out. Kidding!
Barney: Marshall Eriksen, you could use a laugh.
Ted: Yeah! This video is entitled, "Little League Coach Gets h*t in the Nuts by a Foul Ball and Then Vomits in a Garbage Can." I don't wanna give anything away. Let's just watch.
(bat connects with ball, man groans, vomits)
Barney & Ted: Oh!
Barney: See? 'Cause, 'cause he got h*t...
Ted:...right in the nuts,
Barney & Ted: The fat kid just runs away.
Marshall: Trey Platt. I can't believe my father's funeral service is being led by Trey "The Noogie Machine" Platt.
Ted: That guy gave you noogies? What, did he carry a stepladder?
Marshall: He made me carry it.
Trey: So, my dad has these questions he asks to help create a theme for the service, or whatever. Question one: "What were your last words with the deceased?" Lame. Question two:
Judy: Wait... My last words with Marvin were lovely. I've been thinking about them a lot.
Marshall's brother #1: Me, too. We went for a hike in the snow and had this amazing talk.
Marshall's brother #2: My last day with Pop, he taught my son how to skate.
Trey: Well, this is clearly yielding nothing. Thanks, Dad. Guess I'll have to fill the time with some jokes... again.
Judy: "Last words" seems like a good theme. Marshall, do you remember the last thing your father said to you?
[FLASHBACK]
Judy: Bye, sweetie.
Marshall: Bye, Mom.
Marvin: Son, there's something I want to say before I leave.
Marshall: Yeah, Dad?
Marvin: Could I snag that extra pork chop for the flight?
Marshall: I was gonna make a sandwich with that, Dad. Dad, don't they have food on the plane?
Marvin: Yeah, but plane food is ass.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: "Plane food is ass." Those are the last words my father will ever say to me. Right after I denied the man a pork chop. Oh, God. Wait! I'm wrong! I'm wrong! That wasn't it! They couldn't find a cab so my dad called up from the street.
[FLASHBACK]
Marvin: Marshall! Looks like rain out here! I couldn't find an umbrella in your closet! You know who probably has an umbrella?
Marshall: And then, well, see, my dad grew up in a small town, in another generation, so sometimes - totally well-meaningly - he'd say stuff like...
Marvin: The Koreans across the hall! Hey, the Koreans are a trustworthy and generous people!
Marshall: Dad...
Marvin: I betcha one of the Koreans has an umbrella! Heck, they're Koreans!
[END OF FLASHACK]
Marshall: My dad's last words to me were a string of odd racial stereotypes.
Robin: All that stuff was really nice!
Lily: Yeah! It's positive racism!
Marshall: This is worse than the pork chop.
Barney: This next clip is entitled, "Guy Playing Bagpipes Gets h*t in the Nuts by Low-Flying Seagull"
Ted: Let's see what happens.
Barney: Here he comes... Oh! Oh! 'Cause he gets h*t right in the nuts.
Ted: And then the fat kid loses his swim trunks.
Barney: Fall off. Shorts just fall right off.
Marshall: No, wait-- I'm wrong. That wasn't it. They couldn't find a cab, so I went down there.
[FALSHBACK]
Marshall: Hey, you were right. The Kangs did, in fact, have an umbrella.
Marvin: Of course they did.
Judy: Bye, sweetie.
Marshall: Bye, Mom.
Marvin: Hey, son, I just want to leave you with a little advice. Rent Crocodile Dundee III. I caught it on the cable last night. It totally holds up!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Crocodile Dundee III is the second-best of the Croc trilogy, so maybe I can live with that. (cell phone beeps) Oh, sorry, my phone's charged.
Man: I, uh, I hear you're a woman who can get things.
Robin: I've been known to locate certain objects from time to time.
Man: I need vodka and dirty playing cards.
Robin: I got ya.
Marshall: Oh, my God.
Lily: What is it?
Marshall: I have a voice mail from my dad.
Lily: You have a voice mail from your dad?
Robin: How?
Marshall: My phone's been out of juice, so he must've called me the day the he, uh...
Lily: Baby, are you okay?
Marshall: I hold in my hand the last words my father will ever say to me. I'm gonna h*t play.
Robin: What's wrong?
Marshall: What if it's worse than Crocodile Dundee III? I can't do this. I can't... My mom is about to collapse. I'm gonna...
Lily: Wait-- no, no, baby... Baby, I got it. Let me.
Robin: You should listen to it. Just don't put too much pressure on it.
Ted: She's right. I mean, this idea that someone's last words have to be profound and meaningful? I mean, who can live up to that?
Barney: Exactly. All those "famous last word" people supposedly said? They're all made up. Like that patriotic dude, Nathan Hale, from third-grade history?
[FLASHBACK]
Nathan Hale: My I only regret is I have but one life to lose for my country.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: You know what his real last words were?
[FLASHBACK]
Nathan Hale: I'm peeing my pants!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: True story.
Robin: The point is, last words are overrated.
Ted: Look, think of it this way: you get to hear your dad's voice one last time.
Marshall: I should go listen to this... alone, okay? I'll be back.
(Marshall steps away)
Woman: Hey, so, um, I heard you might have...
Robin: You heard right. (whispering: ) I'm getting a reputation. So, what you need, mama? Come here.
(Robin walk away with the woman)
Lily: Guys, listen to what just happened.
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Judy, do you need a break? I'm happy to cook for a while.
Judy: You think your snobby New York cooking is better than mine-- admit it! Well, go ahead, Lily, why don't you just whip up a batch of your fancy tofu sushi bagels! And choke on them!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Whoa. Are you okay?
Lily: Listen!
[FLASHBACK]
(Judy yawns)
Judy: I'm gonna go take a nap.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Judy's finally sleeping and it's all because of me! Guys, I have a role: I'm Judy's bitch! Yeah!
Ted: Well, but this day is tough on you, too. You sure you can absorb all that?
Lily: Yeah! Robin gave me a little orange pill from her purse. I don't know what's in it, but things are flowin' pretty smooth right now.
Robin: Hey, stay hydrated.
(Marshall comes back)
Barney: So?
Marshall: I couldn't listen to it. Guys, this is hard.
Lily: We know, baby. But you'll always wonder, if you don't. Your dad loved you. It almost doesn't matter what he said.
Barney: It doesn't. That's true.
Marshall: Guys, guys, what if-- God forbid-- all of your dads died right now? What would their last words to you have been? Seriously.
Ted: I know mine. When I was in Cleveland last month, I went to visit my dad at his... post-divorce bachelor pad.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted's dad: Been fun bro-ing out with you tonight, T-Dawg.
Ted: Yeah... so glad we can we can talk about our sex lives now. That's totally an improvement.
Ted's dad: I hooked up with a younger woman the other week-- Donna Bromstead.
Ted: My prom date?!
Ted's dad: How far did you get, T-Dawg?
Ted: I have to go.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: How would you like those to be your father's last words?
Ted: Well, they might be. Donna Bromstead's husband is a cop.
Marshall: Lawyered. Lily?
[FLASHBACK]
(phone ringing)
Lily: Hello.
Lily's dad: Lily, it's Dad. Listen, I'm sort of in jail for not paying taxes for the last 25 years. ut bright side, I thought of a great new board game. "Tax Evasion", ages six to ten. Which is, ironically, what I might be looking at. Anyway, Pumpkin, I need $15,000.
Lily: Fooled ya. Leave a message after the beep. We'll get back to ya. Beep.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Lawyered. Robin?
[FLASHBACK]
Robin's dad: And so, despite the endless disappointment you've caused me, I pray that this will finally be the year you achieve something of actual significance. I'd love to stop lying to my friends about you being in a coma. Anyway, the point is, happy birthday, RJ.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: That's awful.
Robin: No, here's the awful part.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: You remembered my birthday!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Lawyered. Now can we all just admit that last words are, in fact, a big deal?
Everyone: Yes.
Barney: Man, I always thought I had it rough not really knowing my dad, but... now I realize at least I'll never have to suffer like this. Our next video is called "German Shepherd Activates Tennis Ball Cannon While Fat Kid Sips Energy Drink."
Marshall: Barney, please, Barney! It's... No more videos, okay? I just need a minute.
Judy: Okay... okay, who is responsible for this? Who got Cousin Daphne drunk? She is 15 years old.
Robin: Whoa, they grow big out here.
Barney: And here's your phone number back.
Robin: Judy, I...
Lily: I did it.
Judy: What possible excuse could you have for this?
Lily: I'm from New York. We think getting minors drunk is funny.
Judy: There's nothing funny about getting minors drunk! You should be ashamed, Lily! Ashamed! Mmm! Oh, cripes, that's tasty. Mmm! Mmm!
Lily: That salad's the first food she's eaten in two days. Sure, it's mostly cheese, mayonnaise and jelly beans, but it counts.
Ted: Well, at least someone's helping. We haven't made Marshall laugh once.
Barney: Yeah. Showing videos of guys getting h*t in the nuts wasn't going to do anything. I'm just stupid.
Ted: Stupid.
Barney: What we need to do is h*t each other in the nuts.
Ted: Yes. Nothing beats the immediacy of live theater. But which one of us is going to take the h*t?(Barney hits Ted in the nuts) So that's it? No discussion?
Marshall: I'm not going to listen. "Rent Crocodile Dundee II" are the last words that my father will ever say to me, and I think I can live with that.
Ted: Is he laughing?
Ted from 2030: Marshall really did think he could live with that. That is, until later, at the memorial service.
Judy: My last talk with Marvin was so lovely.
Ted from 2030: The stories his mother and brothers told were so perfect.
Marshall's brother #1: Then he picked my crying son up off the ice. He gave him a hug and said, "Champ, it doesn't matter if you fall down once in a while."
Marshall's brother #2: And as we hiked, a little deer appeared on the path. She hopped over to Dad and started eating-- right out of his hand.
Judy: And then he kissed me and he said...
Marshall's brother #1: "I will always be proud of you""
Marshall's brother #2: "Life is such a gift."
Judy: "You know something, gorgeous, I'm the luckiest man alive."
Barney, his voice breaking: Lame.
Ted: These stories suck.
Robin: Doesn't hold a candle to your Crocodile Dundee thing.
Lily: You're up next, baby.
Marshall: I just need some air.
Lily: Baby, are you okay?
Marshall: I have to listen to it. It's a pocket dial. It's nothing.
Lily: Hey, so it's a pocket dial. You have so many great memories with your dad. Who cares about the last one?
Barney: She's right. Your dad was hilarious.
Marshall: You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher. And he was my best friend. He always came through for me. And now he's just gone. And what am I left with? (scratchy electronic sounds) Thanks a lot, God! Thank you! You took my father, the greatest man that I have ever known, and you ripped him off this Earth, way too young! And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. (scratchy sounds continue) But we got this voice mail. Thank you so much for the voice mail! It's a great comfort! 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely or sad, or-- or you know what, or maybe a little bit cheated, at least I got the sound of his pocket to console me. How is this fair? You know, like, an entire human life and it just ends for no reason, and... and what are we left with?
(scratchy sounds continue)
Marvin's voice: Marshall? Oh, looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? (laughing) Oh, sorry about that, buddy. Um, anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you.
Lily: Looks like your dad came through one last time.
Marshall: "I love you." My father's last words to me are "I love you."
Marvin's voice: Ooh, and let me know if you find my foot cream. That fungus thing is acting up again.
Marshall: "I love you." My father's last words to me are "I love you."
Everyone: Yes. Yes, they were. We heard it. Loud and clear.
Marshall: Bye, Pop.
Ted from 2030: So Marshall finally got up to speak. Funny thing, though...
Marshall: Then my father said the last words that he'll ever say to me: "Rent Crocodile Dundee III. I caught it on the cable last night and it totally holds up."
Ted from 2030: He decided to keep Marvin's real last words just for himself.
Judy: Thanks.
Lily: For what?
Judy: I know what you've been doing today. And I really needed it.
Lily: Any time.
Judy: That dress makes you look like a Kansas City whore. Sorry, dear. Last one.
At Judy's
Marshall: Oh, man. I should have rented Crocodile Dundee III.
Ted: Okay, seriously, how are you doing that?
Marshall: Thanks. I'll be right back. And if I don't come back, well, then these are my last words to you all. I really, really, really love you guys. Now I'm going to go drop a deuce.
Ted from 2030: Last words-- it's a lot of pressure, kids.
Ted is making a phone call
Ted: Hi, Dad.
Lily is also making a phone call
Lily: Hi, Dad.
Robin is calling her dad.
Robin: Hi, Dad.
Barney is calling his mother.
Barney: Hey, Mom. I'm ready to meet my dad.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x14 - Last Words"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, after Uncle Marshall lost his father, he decided to stay home a while to take care of his mother. (phone ringing) But the longer he stayed there, the more it was like he had never left Minnesota.
Eriksen's house
Marshall: Eriksen residence, Marshall speaking.
Robin, laughing: Oh, that is too cute. Say it again.
Marshall: No. It's called manners, jerk. Now, what's-what's going on in New York? Give me something.
Robin: There is one thing that's been going on. Uh, it's about Ted... and Zoey.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted from 2030: Kids, remember. Zoey had tried to save an old building from being torn down and replaced by a new building that I'd been hired to design. And yet somehow, despite this, we had all managed to become friends. Which brings us to the night Aunt Robin decided to cook dinner.
Ted's appartment
Robin: I thought the oven was Celsius.
Ted: It's okay. We got hot dogs.
Lily: Yeah, and it's not like you can screw up a hot dog. Oh, God. This is so good. I'm gonna finish it in the bathroom.
Zoey: Could someone pass the ketchup?
Barney: I hope I can pass this hot dog.
(glass shatters)
Zoey: Oh.Oops.
Ted: Well, looks like someone's going out in the cold to get more ketchup.
Zoey: Oh, come on, man, I brought the wine.
Ted: Which is all gone.
Zoey: All right, I tell you what... you get this one bottle, I'll get the next three.
Ted: Hmm, tell you what... no dice.
Zoey: I'll get the next hundred.
Ted: You're not getting out of this.
Zoey: You want to go on a date with my hot cousin?
Ted: I'll get the ketchup.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
[OPENING CREDITS]
Marshall: Robin, I just want you to know, it's either this story you're telling me or another game of Clue against myself, so make it good.
Robin: Oh, it's good. You see, after that night, none of us heard from Zoey for a while.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: Finally, Ted called her up.
Zoey: Hello.
Ted: So are we ever gonna see you again? Because, if I recall correctly, you owe me a date with your hot cousin.
Zoey: You still want to do that?
Ted: Yes. And we miss you. But the cousin thing mostly. Let's get that going.
Zoey: Don't worry, Ted, she's cute.
Barney, coughing: "Cute" means "fat""
Zoey: She's not fat.
Barney, coughing: "Not fat" means "ugly""
Zoey: Oh, here she is.
Barney, coughing: I take back everything I said. That girl is extremely attractive.
Honey: Hey, Zoey.
Zoey: Hey. Ted, this is my cousin...
Ted from 2030: Kids, to be honest, I don't quite remember this girl's name. None of us do, because as this story has been told and retold, we've always just referred to her as...
Honey: Honey.
Ted: Hi, Honey, I'm Ted.
Ted from 2030: And here's why...
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: She is a lovely person... warm, intelligent, just kind of gullible. It's like, every word out of her mouth makes you want to be like, "Oh, honey."
Marshall: Interesting. Show your work.
[FLASHBACK]
Honey: My apartment building is so safe. My landlord... he even installed a security camera in my shower.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Oh, honey.
[FLASHBACK]
Honey: Maybe I should feel weird about giving a stranger my Social Security number, but the guy's a Nigerian prince.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Oh, honey.
[FLASHBACK]
Honey: I just had a great TV audition. Behind the KFC where the executive producer works on the weekends.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Oh, honey.
[FLASHBACK]
Honey: Long story short, I'm going to be on Lost.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Oh, honey.
Robin: I know. You just want to wrap her up in a blanket and give her a cup of tea. She's, like, this little lost lamb who needs to be protected from the wolves. Speaking of whom...
[FLASHBACK]
Honey: Yeah, I always get those e- mails from Michelle Obama and sometimes Obama himself.
Barney: Oh, honey.
Robin: So the night went on, and eventually everyone went home, except for Ted and Honey.
Honey: Wow, an architect. How fascinating.
Barney: Why do they call 'em coasters?
Robin: And Barney.
Honey: Okay, time to go home.
Barney: Ted, a word. God, I hate these situations. What are we gonna do about this?
Ted: What are you talking about?
Barney: Come on, Ted, it's obvious. Honey's vibing on me.
Ted: What?
Barney: It's called body language. Remember when she was touching your arm and leaning in real close?
Ted: Mm-hmm.
Barney: Well, while that was happening, the straw in her drink was pointed right at me. I mean... that's as clear as a signal gets, so... I'm so sorry, man.
Ted: You're right. She's all yours, buddy. I'd say hump her brains out, but someone obviously already has.
Ted's appartment
Robin: Good for you. Ted Mosby does not take advantage of poor, helpless honeys.
Ted: Yeah, actually, there's another reason that I didn't go home with her.
Robin: Hmm?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Judy: He's gay!
Marshall: Mom, hang up!
Judy: I'm sorry.
Marshall: Go on.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Yeah, actually, there's another reason that I didn't go home with her.
Robin: Hmm?
Ted: I'm in love with Zoey.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Oh, my God.
Judy: Oh, my God!
Marshall: Mom!
Judy: Sorry.
Marshall: Ted's in love with Zoey? But, but she's married. That boy needs an intervention.
Robin: Funny you should say that.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: Does anyone know why we're here?
Lily: Yeah, who called this intervention?
(Ted enters)
Ted: I did. It's for me. This is about the coffee breath.
Lily: Finally.
Robin: Hmm, no, it's the shoulder hair.
Barney: Guys, just let the man explain how it's all about his wearing a lady's watch.
Ted: It's because I'm in love with Zoey, and she's married, so it needs to stop. And... intervene.
Lily: Are you sure it's love?
Ted: Remember the ketchup bottle? She wasn't the one who dropped it. When she reached for it, our fingers touched, and...(glass shatters) I knew, right in that moment, this isn't friendship. This is love.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Wuss.
Marshall: Marcus! This is a private conversation! So what'd the wuss do next?
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: This is love. And this was my grandmother's watch. Anyway, now I have only one course of action in front of me: I have to end my friendship with Zoey.
Robin: Isn't that a little harsh?
Lily: Harsh? Robin, a single guy and a married woman cannot be friends if one's in love with the other.
Robin: Yeah, but Zoey is friends with us now, too. It's not like Ted can just ghost out on her. She'll always be around.
Ted: Then what am I supposed to do?
Robin: Okay, just shut it down. Okay, just ignore your feelings. If-If she asks you for ketchup, tell her to get it her own damn self. Look, I like Zoey. Without her, my dinner party wouldn't have been such a success. So those feelings of yours... shut 'em down.
Ted: Fine. I'll shut 'em down.
Lily: And seriously, mouthwash after coffee.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
(phone line beeps)
Marshall: Oh, um, that's my other line. It's not a number I recognize.
Robin: So don't answer it.
(line beeps)
Marshall: Yeah.
Robin, with a Minnesotan accent: Oh, my God, you are so Minnesota. You can't not answer the phone because it would be rude.
(line beeps)
Marshall: Well, it would be. Good-bye. Eriksen residence, Marshall speaking.
Barney: Hey, Marshall.
Marshall: Barney. W- What number is this?
Barney: I'm up on burners, playa. Too many crazies had my old number, so now I'm all about disposable cell phones. I'll use one for a while, have my fun, then dump it and get a new one. And then I'll do the same with my phone.
Marshall: Hey, uh, so Robin told me about this whole Ted and Zoey thing.
Barney: Dude, she doesn't know how to tell a story. I'll tell you that story.
[FLASHBACK]
(Zoey's cousin enters the bar)
Honey: Hey, Zoey.
Zoey: Ted, this is my cousin...
Honey: Honey.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Uh... Robin's version was...
Barney: That is exactly how it happened. So Ted did his best to impress her, but as per yoozh, he bored the pants very much on her.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Blah, blah, blah, I'm an architect. Blah, blah, blah, I don't wear suits. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Honey: Wow, an architect. How fascinating.
Ted: Blah, blah, blah, blah. Rambling architecture anecdote. Blah, blah, something about a bridge. Blah, blah, blah...
Honey, whispering: Straw.
Barney, whispering: Coaster.
Honey: Okay, time to go home.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Anyway, I get Honey back to her place.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: Who's your daddy?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Okay, can we skip this part, please?
Barney: Sure, I'll just summarize it. (imitating squeaky bedsprings)
Marshall: Okay, that's been going on a while.
Barney: Only way I know how. Any-who, next day, I'm going into work. I run into Zoey.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: Hey, Zoey. That cousin of yours... Honey... yowsa! I must say, your family tree has got a couple of pretty big coconuts.
Zoey: Thanks.
Barney: Yeah, we had a great time last night. And then just hand stuff in the morning, so...
Zoey: Wait, she didn't go home with Ted?
Barney: Nope, he let me have her. I have to say, it was pretty noble of him. He fell on his sword so that she could fall on mine. I won't bore you with the details, but to summarize... (imitating squeaky bedsprings)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: She hugged me. What was that all about?
Marcus: Zoey's in love with Ted.
Marshall: Marcus!
Marcus: Wait, hear me out, Marshall. Zoey's in love with Ted, but she's married, so she tried to push him away by setting him up with her cousin instead. But seeing Ted and Honey h*t it off was more than her gentle heart could bear, so Zoey left early, pricked by love's fickle thorn. But then, the next morning, upon learning that Ted had not tasted of Honey's sweet nectar, her joy burst forth like a blossoming flower in spring.
Marshall: Wow. Zoey's in love with Ted.
Marcus: Oh, Marshall, I stopped by that new doughnut shop Hertz Donuts. Would you like a Hertz Donut?
Marshall: Sure. Hey, where's the...? No! Aah!
Marcus: Hurts, don't it? I can't believe you fell for that, bro.
Marshall: So Ted's in love with Zoey and Zoey's in love with Ted? Well, that-that's not going to work. I got to call Ted.
(phone ringing)
Ted: Hello.
Marshall: Listen, Ted, um, I got to tell you something about Zoey.
Ted: Yeah, yeah. I need to tell you something about Zoey, too.
[FLASHBACK]
(Ted opens his entru door)
Zoey: Hey. I was in the neighborhood and I thought I'd take you up on that beer you're about to offer me.
Ted: Can I get you a beer?
Zoey: Oh, Ted, I'm so busy. But I guess I got time for one. Lead the way.
Ted, laughing: Oh, my God.
Zoey: What?! Fridge full of ketchup? How? How, I ask you? What?
Ted:Listen, Zoey, I, um... I need to tell you something. Um...
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Judy: Marshall, I'm going to Byerly's. You want anything?
Marshall: Mom! Get off the phone!
Marcus: Could you get some more Bugles, please?
Judy: Of course, dear.
Marshall: Marcus, hang up! Both of you, hang up! And we need ice cream. Go on.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: I, uh... I can't be friends with you anymore. And this may seem strange, but... you can't ask me why.
Zoey: Wow. Okay.
(Zoey leaves)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: And that was it. No more Zoey.
(line beeps)
Marshall: Oh. Hey, buddy, that's Lily. I should take that. But, uh, you're a good guy, Ted. Hey, baby.
Lily: We hate Ted now. Get on board or the sexting stops.
Marshall: Ted's a son of a bitch! (cell phone chirps) Oh, nice. But, hey, um, baby, go easy on Ted, okay? He just, he just ended things with Zoey.
Lily: Oh, I know. But did he tell you the whole story?
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: I, uh, I can't be friends with you anymore. And you can't ask me why.
Zoey: Why?
Ted: Lily hates you.
(Lily opens her appartment's entry door)
Zoey: You hate me?
Lily: That's crazy. I don't hate you.
Zoey: Well, I know that's not true, Lily. Ted told me everything.
Lily: He... Oh, really? And-And what did Ted say, exactly?
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Lily hates you. She hates you so much it's hard to be around you. So we can't be friends.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Oh, he... Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay, well, I- I guess there's no use hiding it anymore. I- I hate you. Bitch.
Zoey: I can't believe it. I really thought you and I were friends. Lord knows I could use a friend right now. I've been going through some pretty difficult stuff.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Difficult stuff? What difficult stuff?
Lily: I don't know.
Marshall: Well, you did the right thing, baby.
Lily: Not entirely.
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Zoey, wait! I don't hate you! We just can't be friends anymore because... Robin hates you.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
(line beeps)
Marshall: And that's Robin on the other line.
Lily: Oh, well, I'll let you take that. Love you, baby!
Marshall: Eriksen residence, Marshall speaking... Listen, Robin. I know. I apologize for my wife. She never should have...
Robin: Yeah, I told Zoey you hate her.
Marshall: Me? You dragged me into this?!
Robin: You just went through a tragedy. It's not like she's gonna call you up and...
(line beeps)
Marshall: Oh, God, that's my other line. Oh, God, it's a 917 number, and I don't recognize it! I think it's Zoey!
Robin: Just don't answer it.
Marshall: I can't not answer. It's impolite.
Robin: Marshall, you can b*at this.
Marshall: I can't turn my back on politeness.
Robin: You don't have to answer. You can just let it ring.
Marshall: Good manners are what separate us from those "elbows on the table" Wisconsinites.
Robin: You can do this. I believe in you. Don't do it, Marshall!
Marshall: I'm sorry, Robin! Eriksen residence. Marshall speaking.
Honey: Hi. I spent the night with your friend Barney and he accidentally left his phone in my apartment, in the garbage. But I've been going through all of his contacts because I'm sure he wants to get in touch with me. After all, he told me, uh... I was his first.
Marshall: Oh, honey. Oh! Honey! Zoey's cousin.
Honey: Hi.
Marshall: Listen, um, about Barney...
Honey: Oh, yeah. He's such a sweet guy.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: Who's your daddy?
Honey, giggling: Oh... Who's your daddy?
Barney, sobbing: I don't know.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Honey: I guess he recently decided to get in touch with his dad. His mom gave him the guy's address.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: So I wrote him a letter. And I poured my heart out. And I gave him my number and I told him to call me. And he still hasn't called me.
Honey: Oh, honey.
Barney: I mean, I shouldn't be surprised. Clearly, he wants nothing to do with me.
Honey: Oh, honey.
Barney: I mean, why else would he let 30 years go by? He's ashamed to have me as a son.
Honey: Oh, honey, he's not ashamed of you. He's ashamed of himself. I mean, look at you. You're do so great without him. I mean, you have an airline and three Nobel Prizes, and you play for the Yankees.
Barney: Four. Four Nobel Prizes.
Honey: Four. See? That is impressive. I mean, how many does he have?
Barney: Only three.
Honey: Well, there you go.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Hey, uh, listen, Honey, while I've got you, do you have any idea what kind of difficult stuff Zoey's been going through?
Honey: Oh, I can't tell you about that. The only people that are allowed to know are me, Zoey and her therapist.
Marshall: I am her therapist.
Honey: Oh! Well, in that case...
Marshall: Uh, okay, listen, I think we've made great progress for today. I got to go. Bye. Mom! Marcus!
The appartment
(knocking at door)
Zoey: What's this really about?
Ted: I told you. Lily hates you.
Zoey: I think you hate me. I think you have some big problem with me, and you're too chicken to come out and say it.
Ted: All right. Yes. I... hate you.
Zoey: Great. See? Was that so hard?
Ted: Zoey.
Zoey: Can you at least tell me why? Because I'm racking my brain here, and I thought... I just want to know why.
Marshall: So we got Ted and Zoey. Ted is in love with Zoey. Zoey has no idea. Then Zoey's cousin Honey went home with Barney, and Zoey was happy about it. Which tells us what?
Marcus: Zoey's in love with...
Marshall: Zoey's in love with Ted and Ted doesn't know. So Ted and Zoey... they're in love with each other, which would be fine if Zoey wasn't married to Colonel Mustard. I mean, The Captain. Except now, as Honey informs me...
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: And we miss you. But the cousin thing mostly. Let's get that going.
Zoey: Fine, I will, uh, make it happen. Good-bye. Okay. Well... I guess I'll take it.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Zoey and The Captain are getting divorced. Which means...?
Marcus: So help me, Marshall, if you don't call those two crazy, mixed-up kids, I will.
Marshall: Give me that phone.
Ted: Why do I hate you? Are you kidding? Uh, you're actively trying to prevent me from realizing a lifelong dream. So there's that. Plus, you're stubborn and-and-and argumentative. And what kind of name is Zoey, huh? What is that, short for Zoseph? (cell phone ringing) Go on, get it. I'll have more in a second.
Zoey: Hello. Oh, hey, Marshall...Yes, I am...Yes, I am...He is?...Bye.
Ted: Why was Marshall calling?
Zoey: Don't worry about it. Go on.
Ted: You talk during movies. You-You-You sneeze with your whole body. Uh, to my knowledge, you do not speak Portuguese.
Zoey: Well, actually... (speaking Portuguese)
Ted: You're a show-off.
(cell phone ringing)
Zoey: You better take that.
Ted: Uh, hey, Marshall, can I call you back? I'm out in the hallway with... She is? She is? Marshall, I got to go.
(He walks over Zoey et kisses her. The neighbour, on the phone, opens her door)
Neighbour: They're kissing.
Marshall: They're kissing?! Yeah! (screams) They're kissing!
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x15 - Oh Honey"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: My first kiss with Zoey was amazing, and complicated.
Ted: Look, um... I know you're going through a lot right now. Getting divorced, being single, figuring out who you are on your own.
Zoey: Someone knows how to set a mood.
Ted: I just mean... I'm okay taking this slow. I want to do this right.
Ted from 2030: My friends, as usual, were completely supportive.
The Bar
Barney: You're doing this all wrong! Ted, there are couples in my kindergarten class who have moved faster than you two. Granted, their home lives are not great.
Ted: Hey, I'm trying. I keep suggesting these big, romantic dates, and she keeps putting on the brakes. Like tonight, she wants me to just come over and bake cookies.
Robin: Oh. Translation: booty-call.
Barney: Total booty-call.
Lily: Private Booty, reporting for duty.
Ted: That's crazy. She-She wants to bake.
Robin: Guys booty-call girls after 2:00 a.m. with a drunkenly slurred, "What ya doing?" But when a lady booty-calls a guy, she invents a respectable excuse to mask the fact that she wants to get stuck real good.
Lily: It's called class, Ted.
Ted: Wait. That... You think that's what she means by "baking cookies"?
Lily: Are you kidding? You're in the kitchen, it's getting hot, you start licking stuff off each others' fingers. Before you know it, she's bent over the marble island, and you're spanking her with a rubber spatula. And she's screaming, "Stop, Marshall, stop," but that's just code for "harder!"
Ted: Marshall's been in Minnesota a while, huh?
Lily: So long! And now he's staying even longer. His mom has been having a really hard time since the funeral. He's waiting on her hand and foot. But... it's Valentine's Day. It's not going to be the same without the two of us watching Predator together.
Ted from 2030: I should explain. On their very first Valentine's Day, Marshall and Lily set out to watch Sleepless in Seattle.
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: You know, I saw this in the theater, like, five times, but I never got to see it with the right girl.
Lily: I'm so glad none of those girls were right for you.
Marshall: What girls?
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: If it bleeds, we can k*ll it.
Ted from 2030: Except Marshall's brothers had taped over it with Predator. And it became a tradition.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Wow, you sound really lonely.
Lily: I am. Earlier today, I burst into tears...
Barney: Shh. Daddy's talking now. Loneliness. The looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching. The two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year, February 13: Desperation Day.
Robin: That's not a thing.
Barney: It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so Saint Valentine performed them in secret, under thr*at of death.
Ted: That's actually true.
Barney: Wait, there's more.
Ted: This won't be.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: And right by Saint Valentine's side was his best bro, Saint Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.
Saint Desperatius: Whoa. Check out that one. Her body is a perfect X.
Saint Valentine: Player, play on. High V.
Woman: Oh, Jupiter, what are your plans for me? 15 and still unmarried.
Saint Desperatius: And I thought Pompeii was smokin'.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax... what up... on February 13. A magical night when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two. Now, there's only one thing you can't do.
Robin: Please say "widows."
Barney: Wherever you are, or whoever you're under, you must get home alone by 11:59 p.m. Otherwise, you're on a date on Valentine's Day.
Robin: Barney, Desperation Day assumes that all single women freak out about Valentine's Day. Which we do not. Case in point, I will be spending February 13 with some lovely single ladies from work...
Barney: Trolls.
Robin: ...who could care less about Valentine's Day.
Barney: Lying trolls.
Robin: And we will be celebrating the fact that we don't have to spend it with some dippy guy carting around roses and stuffed toys all night. Oh, no offense, Ted.
Ted: And none was taken until just then.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Lily: I decided to go to Minnesota to see Marshall. He shouldn't have to help his mom through this rough time all by himself.
Barney: You losing your mind, being alone in your apartment?
Lily: I'm getting weird!
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: See, it started off with me throwing Marshall's jersey on my body pillow. And, well, things kind of spiraled from there. I'm sorry I yelled like that before.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: I call him "Marshpillow." And he calls me... nothing because he's a pillow.
(Ted enters)
Robin: Hey. How was "baking cookies" last night?
Ted from 2030: That was a tough question. You see...
[FLASHBACK]
Zoey: Uh... Is that an overnight bag?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
(Lily and Robin groan)
Lily: You brought an overnight bag?
Ted: You guys said I was definitely going to spend the night.
Barney: We said you were going to have sex. We didn't say, "Bring a carry-on."
Robin: So how did Zoey react?
Ted: She thought it was presumptuous and asked me to leave. It's-It's not like I brought a ton of stuff.
Robin: Were there slippers for the morning?
Ted: Not slippers, exactly.
(Lily, Robin and Barney groaning)
Ted: They're called British morning socks.
At the Eriksens' house
Judy: This is such a nice surprise. Marshall will be so happy.
Lily: How are you holding up, Judy?
Judy: Oh, I'm doin' okay. It gets a little lonely. My friends suggested a body pillow, but...(chuckles) I'm not a lunatic.
Marshall: Hey, Mom? I hate to be that guy, but I'm pretty sure it was Hot Pocket o'clock, like, ten minutes ago. Lily. What are you doing here?
Lily: I wanted to surprise you.
Marshall: Oh, my gosh. That's so sweet. I'm so glad you're here. Hey, um, before I forget, Mom, did you remember to get more double-A batteries?
Judy: Oh, they're upstairs, sweetie. Right next to your washed and folded clothes.
Marshall: Oh, great, okay. I don't want my Game Boy to crap out. I'm having the sickest Dr. Mario run of my life. Okay. I'll be right back. I love you, Lily. Okay. You're the best, Mom.
Judy: Aw... Anything for my baby bear. Get him out of my house. Take Marshall back to New York with you. Please, I am begging you.
Lily: I thought he was here helping you.
Judy: Well, he was, at first. But once he saw me starting to do better, he kind of regressed. He's been holed up in his room for days at a time, playing old video games. I mean, he is having a pretty sick Dr. Mario run, but...
Lily: Uh, I'll talk to him.
Judy: I want to be there for him, but it's like he's a teenager again. I even walked in on him abusing himself.
Lily: Oh, God.
Judy: There he was, on the bed, looking at old photos of his dad. That's emotional self-abuse, don't you think?
Ted's appartment
(knocking)
Ted: Listen, that was a dumb move for me to just assume...
Zoey: No, no, I overreacted. I mean, I invited you over to "bake cookies." We both knew what that meant.
Ted: We totally did.
Zoey: I just, you know... I saw those slippers in your bag, and suddenly everything felt really serious. And... ever since, I've been asking myself, "Am I ready for this?" And... the answer is "yes."
Ted: They're actually called British morning socks.
Zoey: Yeah. Don't get in your own way.
Ted: Right. Okay.
At the Eriksens' house
Lily: Um, Marshall, your mom asked me to carry this up. She turned her ankle on your Hot Wheels. Is my track okay? It's fine, but, Marshall, I thought you were here taking care of your mom. It seems like she's taking care of you.
Marshall: My mom loves to feel needed. Letting her take care of me is how I'm taking care of her. She's in a dark place, Lily. She needs this. Mom? You forgot my chocolate milk with the swirly straw!
Judy: Oops. Comin' right up!
Marshall, whispers: She needs this.
Lily: Marshall, tomorrow's Valentine's. Don't you want to be at home on our couch, cuddling up under a warm blanket, watching the Predator use his heat vision to stalk helpless prey?
Marshall: Well, baby, we could watch Predator here. No, my mom can go rent it for us after she's done digging out the car.
Lily: Marshall, your mom wants you out of here.
Marshall: What?
Judy: Anything else, sweetie?
Marshall: Mom, d-do you want me to leave?
Judy: Heavens to Bess, no! Of course not!
Lily: But, Judy, you said...
Judy: Oh, if Marshall could stay here forever, I would be the happiest mom in Minnesota.
Zoey: So Valentine's Day is tomorrow.
Ted: Yeah. You know, there's this new Italian restaurant on 79th that's supposed to be amazing.
Zoey: I would be happier having just a simple, home-cooked meal. As long as it's with you.
Ted: Tomorrow night, my place.
Zoey: I'm ready for this, Ted. I am in it for the long haul. I can't wait for our first Valentine's Day as a couple. The one we'll remember for years.
The bar
Ted: Isn't that great?
Robin: Yeah, if you say so, yeah.
Ted: What do you mean?
Robin: Look, she just got out of a marriage, Ted. That's heavy. I'm kind of freaking out, just listening to you. My heart is pounding, I'm hearing this weird clicking noise.
Ted: Well, it's romantic, right? Zoey and I are getting serious on Valentine's Day.
Robin: See, that just amps up the pressure even more. Boy, it's a good thing that you're sure.
Ted: Who said I wasn't sure? I'm glad we're in a serious relationship. Right away. And if I screw this up, I'm the devil, because she's going through a divorce. But I'm not going to screw this up. So stop freaking out, Robin. Stop freaking out!
Ted from 2030: Kids, I'm not super proud of what I did next.
At the Eriksens' House
Ted: Hi! I'm here to help Marshall.
Ted from 2030: Meanwhile, as Desperation Day turned into Desperation Night...
The Bar
Barney: God, these girls are so hungry for male attention. It is like being a hunter and having the deer walk up, tie itself to the hood of your car and beg to get mounted.
Robin: Barney, this is Bev and Anna, uh, my coworkers and my friends. Bev, Anna, this is Barney, a high-functioning sociopath and my ex.
Barney: Enchanté. That's French for "What's with the purple?"
Robin: Well, tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and everything is pink and red, so Bev very thoughtfully suggested that we wear purple to show how little we care.
Bev: I use, uh, colors to express emotion. Purple is for pride. It was a stupid idea.
Anna: Bev, you look at me. It's not a stupid idea. Tonight, we are queens.
Robin: And we don't care about some stupid, sexist, corporate holiday.
Barney: Please! You might as well be dog-earing a tear-stained bridal magazine while wolfing down the box of chocolates you had delivered to yourself at work from your "fiancé" who no one's ever met.
Bev: Gerard is real!
At the Eriksens' house
(Ted and Marshall are playing video games)
Lily: Ted... I thought you were going to talk to Marshall about coming back to New York.
Ted: Yeah, but, you know, things move so fast in New York. Why not hang out here until at least after Valentine's Day. Plus, we're helping Marshall's mom. Uh, Mrs. Eriksen, we're running low on SunnyD!
Judy: Is orange juice okay?
Ted & Marshall: No!
The Bar
Barney: Okay, when your "fiancé" Gerard comes back from fixing cleft palates in Peru, maybe snatch a photo of the two of you together, and then I'll totally believe you.
Bev: Well, he's going to Kenya after Peru, so...
Nora: Hey, guys, so sorry I'm late.
Robin: Hey. Hey, Nora. Uh, Nora, this is Barney. You want to see Anna b*at him in an arm wrestle?
Barney: My elbow slipped!
At the Eriksens' house
Lily: Marshall, I'm going home.
Marshall: What?
Lily: I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.
Marshall: I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.
Lily: While I'm sure it's been really helpful for her to have you here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day...
Ted: You have Super Mario Kart?!
Marshall: Hell, yeah.
Lily: But your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you. It needs you really bad.
Marshall: Baby, don't go.
Lily: Please come home soon.
The Bar
Barney: So, you were an Olympic gymnast?
Woman: Silver medal.
Barney: Ooh, sorry. Gold's the only thing that really counts.
Woman: That's what my dad said.
Barney: And she sticks the landing. Why don't you start stretching, and I'll... be right back. Hey, hey, sorry.
Nora: Oh, hi.
Barney: Quick question.
Nora: Yeah.
Barney: Why aren't you wearing purple like your friends?
Nora: Oh, I told them I forgot, but the truth is, I'm kind of protesting their protest. Can you keep a secret?
Barney: Sure.
Nora: I love Valentine's Day.
Barney: Oh, my gosh! Me, too! Um, is it getting crowded in here, 'cause I think there are two peas in this pod?
Nora: Oh, you're a gooey romantic, too?
Barney: Guilty. This is embarrassing but every year, I buy flowers and a box of chocolates, even if I'm not with someone. Just in case, you know?
Nora: We are pitiful.
Barney: The worst.
(both chuckle)
Nora: Although there is one difference between you and me.
Barney: What's that?
Nora: I'm not saying any of this to get in your pants.
At the Eriksen's House
Marshall: I miss my dad, Ted. I miss him so much.
Ted: I know.
Marshall: Um, when I was a kid, we would spend the summers in the Upper Peninsula. And every year, we wouldn't get to the cabin till, like, the middle of the night. And so, it would be pitch black, in the middle of the woods. And I could never see anything in front of the headlights but I always felt so safe 'cause my dad was driving. He was like some sort of superhero who could just see way out into the darkness. Now he's just gone. And it's pitch black. And I can't see where I'm going. I can't see anything.
The Bar
Barney: All right, okay. I was playing you before. But I was really doing you a public service. It's February 13... a day many are now calling Desperation Day. It's kind of a thing. And you walking around, saying you're a gooey romantic? It comes across a bit desperate.
Nora: What's desperate about knowing what you want? Look, life is really short, Barney. Who wants to spend Valentine's Day alone, distracting yourself from the fact that nobody loves you with some sad little activity?
Barney: Um, or you could be in the 47th Semi-Annual Laser Tag Tournament in Poughkeepsie.
Nora: I have no idea what any of those words mean.
Woman: Hey, I'm all stretched out!
Barney: Here's the first thing you need to know about laser tag.
At the Eriksens' House
Marshall: Thanks a lot for coming out here, man.
Ted: Yeah.
Marshall: Hey, are-are you sure it's okay with Zoey that you're here for Valentine's Day?
Ted: Well, I mean, technically, she doesn't know yet.
Marshall: What?
Ted: Things with Zoey are moving really fast, and the divorce just makes everything more complicated. I just, I needed to take a step back.
Marshall: You're not taking a step back. You're running away. And hiding out here, hiding out here is not gonna solve anything. You're just holed up in Minnesota because you're too scared to face reality, and it's... We got to go back to New York, tonight.
Ted: We're snowed in. Lily got the last flight.
Marshall: So, we drive. It's time. It's time to get back to real life. It's time to grow up. Yeah Mom! Can you make us some PB and J's for the road?
Ted: Crusts cut off.
Marshall: Crusts cut off! No, Ted. What are we...? We're men. Mom! Leave the crusts on! They forced their opponents to scatter, picking them off, one by one, in a swift and merciless slaughter.
The Bar
Barney: ...became the 2010 Tri-County Champions.
Nora: Wow. Laser tag sounds brilliant!
Barney: Oh, it is. Plus, if you win, you get free pizza. This is my teammate for tomorrow.
Robin: Oh, yeah, I agreed to that.
Nora: Where are Bev and Anna?
Robin: Well...
[FLASHBACK]
Bev: So, we're taking off.
Robin: What?
Anna: Those guys are gonna buy us hot dogs at Grey's Papaya.
Robin: What...? So that's it? A couple of white Urkels offer you sausages, and you're gone? What about the sisterhood? Solidarity? The color purple?
Bev: But tomorrow's Valentine's Day.
Robin: I thought we didn't care about Valentine's Day.
Anna: Look, Robin, you'll find someone, too. You're a queen. You've got so much to offer. Maybe do something with that hair.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: I'm telling you. The power of Valentine's Day. I'm Huey Lewis, and you just heard the news.
Nora: Well, I think I'm heading out, too.
Barney: What? No, don't go! You want to see a magic trick?!
Nora: It's late, and I have a date with my pillow. I mean, not literally. I'm not a lunatic. Boy Scout Troop 15 doesn't stand a chance. Bye.
Robin: Speaking of the power of Valentine's Day...
Barney: What are you talking about?
Robin: Oh, come on. It's-It's past midnight. Desperation Day has come and gone, and you have neither gone nor come. You know why? You like Nora.
Barney: No, I don't. She's gross.
Robin: Oh... You like her. You think she smells like rain.
Barney: Whatever you say.
Robin: Oh, hey, Nora.
Barney: Nora...
MARVIN: Here's a secret. I couldn't see worth a damn, either, buddy. I just kept driving forward, hoping for the best. Look out! Gotcha.
Ted from 2030: And so we drove through the night, out of Desperation Day and into Valentine's. And there was no trace of my little freak out, except...
Ted's appartment
Zoey: Really? An overnight bag for your own living room? Looks like we got a matching set.
Ted: Well, that was kind of presumptuous.
At the Laser Tag Center
Barney: The ground was shaking like. Robin, where are you? Those Boy Scouts have grown a foot since last year. They're terrifying!
Robin: Oh, yeah. Change of plans. Happy Valentine's Day.
Barney: Hap...?
Nora: Hey, Barney. Robin told me to meet you guys here.
Ted from 2030: And that's how, for the first time in his life, Barney Stinson wound up on a date on Valentine's Day.
(Barney's sh*t)
Barney: Oh!
Nora: You will be avenged.
At Lily's
SCHWARZENEGGER (over TV): Come on! Come on! k*ll me! I'm here! k*ll me!
Lily: Baby, you're back.
Marshall: Happy Valentine's Day, Lily Pad. Oh.
(Lily is sitting on the couch, talking to her Marshpillow)
Lily: We both knew this would end eventually.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x16 - Desperation Day"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Hong Kong, 2021...
Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes wonderful things come out of horrible situations. Like, remember that trip I took to Hong Kong where I got stuck in the airport? Well, a funny thing happened that day.
Ted: Yes, I realize it's raining, but, come on, it's 2021. We can make cell phones that project holograms, but a light drizzle shuts down a whole airport?
Wendy: Hey, Ted.
Ted: Hey... There she is. Wow.
Wendy: Wendy the Waitress.
Ted: Wendy the Waitress! I was just saying-- what are you doing here?
Ted from 2030: What was she doing there? For that, we have to back up about ten years.
2011
The Bar
Robin: So, Barney, I hear you and Nora had a fun time at laser tag.
Barney: I don't know where you heard that. It was a disaster.
Robin: Not according to her.
[FLASHBACK]
Nora: Oh, my God, this was so much fun. We have to do this again. We do, we have to.
Barney: You want to grab a drink right now?
Nora: No, I'm kind of tired. But... this is my number. Give me a call.
Barney: Absolutely.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: How is that a disaster?
Barney: She didn't want to get drinks. And as soon as a girl says she doesn't want to get drinks, well...
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: You want to grab a drink right now?
Nora: No, I'm kind of tired.
Barney: Absolutely.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: It's a shame, too. She was a really great laser tag partner. She's tiny, so she's allowed to push kids.
Robin: Please, Cheese. You like this girl.
Barney: What? Nora? No, I don't.
Robin: Barney, you can't say her name without smiling.
Barney: That's... Nora. Sorry, sorry. I was thinking of a funny thing that Nora said. Hmm. Stop it. No... ra. Nah... Damn it, what is the matter with me?
Robin: You like her. You should call her.
Barney: Call her? she had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.
Robin: That is ridiculous. Barney, you know what, here's some advice.
Barney: Totally.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Ted from 2030: Kids, I had just started dating Zoey. And when you first start dating someone, everyone wants to know the same thing. How did we meet?
Woman: Oh, Ted, she doesn't want...
Ted: No, it's a cute story. Once upon a time...
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Zoey was married to this super rich, super creepy guy called The Captain. So when Zoey and I became friends, I was careful not to cross any lines.
Zoey: Oh, man, this movie is scary.
Ted: I know, right? But then one day, Zoey and The Captain had a huge fight. He flipped out and demanded a divorce. And she was heartbroken. But after a little soul-searching, she ended up back in my and the rest, as they say, is history.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Woman: Actually, I said, "How's your meat?"
Ted: Oh. A little cold.
Woman: Gee, wonder why.
Zoey: Oh, Ted, did you have a chance to pick up that box I left at my old apartment?
Ted: Oh. Yeah, I don't want to see The Captain. I mean this in a super manly way. That guy scares the panties off me.
Zoey: You don't have to see him. He left the box with the doorman.
Ted: If it's really important to you, I will pick it up tomorrow.
Marshall: All right, guys, I have to go. I have a big meaningless stack of paperwork that I have to get off my desk to make room for tomorrow's big meaningless stack of paperwork. But it's all worth it, you know, 'cause at least I know I'm making the world a... place. All right, see you guys later.
Ted: I'm worried about Marshall. He doesn't seem like himself lately.
Lily: Yeah, he's been really... quiet.
Robin: Well, that's just what Minnesota guys are like... strong, silent, you know, man's man.
Barney: Like Prince.
Lily: No, it's more than that. It's like, all the stuff he used to love, he suddenly has no interest in anymore.
Barney: Oh. Ha-wink
Lily: Excuse me?
Barney: Lily, in my travels, I've developed a finely calibrated sense of how long it's been since... How do I not put this delicately?... a girl's been porked. And, boo, you've been pork-free so long, you're practically kosher.
Lily: It's been a while.
Barney: Five weeks, three days by my estimation.
Lily: You should work at a carnival.
Barney: I tried. They're pretty strict with backgrounds.
Ted: Anyway, we should get going.
Lily: Yeah, I'll walk out with you guys.
Robin: Good night. Good night, guys.
Barney: 18 weeks.
Robin: Damn it. Okay, yes, I am in a bit of a dry spell. But I just started a new job, and dating's been on the back burner, and...
Barney: Shh. Child, listen. If you're really hurting for it, I'd be more than happy to throw you one.
Robin: Throw me one? Yeah.
Barney: We're exes. We're probably due for a backslide. Or we could just do it the normal way.
Robin: Oh, I see what's going on.
Barney: Yeah?
Robin: This is about Nora. You met a girl, you liked her, but then you missed your sh*t. And now you're trying to hook up with your ex-girlfriend to prove to yourself that you don't care.
Barney: Robin, you could not be more... What do you mean I missed my sh*t?
Robin: Nora met a guy. What?!
Barney: What?
Robin: Yep. Off the market. He's taking her to Cafe L'Amour this Friday night.
Barney: But "L'Amour" means love! They're going to the cafe of love! I'm fine. It's fine. Point is, Robin, I don't even like Nora. Damn it!
Lily's and Marshall's appartment
Lily: Oh, baby, why aren't you in bed?
Marshall: I can't sleep.
Lily: Mmm. Anything I can do to help you with that?
Marshall: Maybe after this documentary on garbage.
Lily: Man, I am losing my touch.
Tv: Nearly twice the size of Texas, the Gweat Pacific Garbage Patch, or "Garbage Island," is an enviwonmental disaster. Sepawated from its pawents, this young bird stwuggles to survive, stwangling itself in the plastic wings of a six-pack. Marshall Eriksen, I think you know what you have to do.
Marshall: I have to save the planet!
Lily: Is it over? I call on top.
The Captain's Building
Ted from 2030: A few days later, I headed over to The Captain's building to get Zoey's box.
Ted: I'm here to...
Captain: Ted. What a surprise. Ted.
Ted: Captain. I...
Captain:You've come to rescue me from the capsized wreckage of my marriage. Mm... I hesitated calling you because I know you and Zoey were friendly.
Ted: Pssh, nah...
Captain:But my wife has left me. All my friends have abandoned me. Please, tell me you're on my side. Let's adjourn to the study.
The Bar
Marshall: Garbage Island. You haven't heard of Garbage Island? It's an island... made of garbage! It's in the Pacific Ocean. It's twice the size of Texas!
Robin: In other words, one-eighth the size of Canada. So...
Marshall: Guys, I'm going environmental, okay? Phase one: the bar. I've already convinced MacLaren's to implement a new green initiative.
Wendy: That's 'cause of you? I got to carry an 80-pound bag of bottles to the recycling center every night. I threw my back out.
Marshall: You're welcome... Earth. Phase two: GNB. Tomorrow I'm going to make a presentation in front of the board about how we can cut our carbon footprint by half for only $12 million.
Barney: Dude, don't do that. All they're going to hear is "$12 million," and all you're going to hear is the sound of the door smacking your fired ass. And some muffled laughter. Which I apologize for in advance.
Ted: Guys, I got a problem. I ran into The Captain.
[FLASHBACK]
Captain:Ted, beneath this lustrous mane,I wear the horns of a cuckold. Zoey left me for another man.
Ted: Wow.
Captain:Do you have any idea who it could be?
Ted from 2030: The Captain then told a story much different than the one I'd been telling. But one maybe just as true.
Captain: Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy. Blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other. But then... enter the scoundrel. I don't know what he looks like, but I picture him with a mustache.
Ted: Yes! Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.
Captain: Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.
Ted: And that's the last time you saw her.
Captain: But I gathered my composure, and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night.
Ted: That's damn good brandy.
Captain: But morning came, and she was gone.
Ted: Oh, Captain... don't blame yourself.
Captain: I don't blame myself. Hmm? There's only one man I blame for this.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Me. I'm the bad guy.
Robin: Well, maybe to him you are, but in the story of picking up the box for Zoey, you're the hero.
Ted: Damn it! The box!
Lily's and Marsall's appartment
Marshall: Baby, baby, I really got to work on this presentation.
Lily: Oh, that's too bad, 'cause I was going to make a little presentation of my own.
Marshall: Okay, why not: from now until tomorrow afternoon, I do this, and then tomorrow night, I do that.
Lily: Deal. Come on, come on.
Marshall: Lily!
The Bar
Barney: You lying little minx. I happened to be at Cafe L'Amour tonight from 5:00 p.m. until closing, reading a newspaper with two holes cut out of it, and I never saw Nora or this Italian race car driver she's dating.
Robin: Sorry. Who said anything about an...?
Barney: Come on, you just know he's an Italian race car driver.
Robin: No, he's not. He doesn't exist. I made the whole thing up to see if you like her. And you do. So you should just call her. Here is her number. And I also programmed it into your phone while you were in the bathroom. Wow. That was a joke. You just got here, remember? You really are smitten.
Barney: No, I'm not. I'm Barney Stinson. I don't get smitten, I smite!
Robin: You are totally smitten, but you're scared of being in a relationship.
Barney: No, I'm not. I can't be anyone's boyfriend, Robin. If I got serious with Nora, it would be like if Mother Teresa focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. With great penis comes great responsibility.
Robin: Okay, Mother Teresa, throw me one.
Barney: Sorry?
Robin: I would like it if you threw me one. Fastball, right down the middle. Actually, if I recall correctly, a slight curve.
Barney: Careful, Robin, I'll do it.
Robin: Oh, I don't think you will. Hmm. Because you don't want to screw things up with Nora. Hey, prove me wrong. Tomorrow night, my place.
Barney: Don't poke the dragon, Robin, 'cause the dragon will poke you back.
Lily's and Marshall's appartment
Lily: Sex now, we'll do the foreplay after.
Marshall: Oh, no, baby, come on. Today didn't go so well.
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: The green initiative, for only $12 million, will change the way...
Arthur: Okay, I've heard enough. Don't we already have a green initiative? I mean, didn't we do a whole thing? Hang a banner, make a video, Sting was there. I thought I met Sting.
Man: You did meet Sting.
Arthur: Yeah, I met Sting. So why on Earth would we spend another $12 million?
Marshall: Well, because we can always do more.
Arthur: Yeah, but I met Sting.
Marshall: Well, meeting Sting isn't gonna fix anything, Arthur!
Arthur: Who here supports Eriksen's proposal?
Meeker: Well, he has some good points.
Arthur: Meeker, you're fired! And as for you, Eriksen...
Man: His father just died.
Arthur:...nice presentation. We'll keep it under advisement.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Meeker got fired because of me. I'm the bad guy.
Lily: No, sweetie, just-just put all that out of your mind and relax. Look, I got you a six-pack of tall boys from the deli.
Marshall: Hey, baby.
Lily: Yeah?
Marshall: What happened to the plastic rings that held the six-pack together?
Lily: Oh, I-I don't know. I threw them down the garbage chute. Let's just use the handcuffs instead.
Marshall: Baby, birds can get caught in those and then they dwown in a sea of wubbish! Weren't you listening? Don't you care about Garbage Island?
Lily: Marshall, right now, I don't give a wat's ass about Garbage Island.
Marshall: Well, I do. I got to find those rings!
Lily: Cwap.
The Captain's Building
Ted: Hi, I'm here to pick up...
Captain: Hello, Ted.
Ted: To the study?
Captain: To the study! Mmm. Ted... I know.
Ted: Know what?
Captain: I know who stole my Zoey. No man likes to be betrayed, especially by a friend. You can imagine then how painful it was when I learned that the name of my betrayer is... Ted... when I tell you who it is, you're gonna... It's my doorman!
Ted: That son of a bitch! You think Zoey's sleeping with the doorman?
Captain: He always winks and tips his hat when he sees her. I know how these things work. He holds her package, and pretty soon, she's holding his. And then there's his glorious mustache. I will have him fired for this!
Ted: No, no, no, you can't f*re him.
Captain: You're right. Maritime protocol demands physical retribution!
Ted: Oh, my God! No, no! No physical retribution! Stop!
Captain: Who is this flower child, and what has he done with my lionhearted friend Ted Mosby?!
Ted: Look, look, yes, yes, the doorman is a scoundrel. The mustache alone gives that away. He's a rake, a rogue, a rapscallion!
Captain: Whoa, "rapscallion" may be going a bit far, Ted.
Ted: But it's not his fault, okay? It's nobody's fault. You and Zoey have nothing in common. For God's sake, Captain, she hates boats! You're just not right for each other. Look, I know it's tough to face, but I'm sure a small part of you has always known that.
Captain: Why couldn't she just like boats? Just to have one thing in common? Other girls like boats, don't they?
Ted: Of course they do. And you'll find one. And you'll be much happier with her than you ever were with Zoey.
Captain: When you put it that way, I should almost thank the doorman.
Ted: Yeah, yeah! And, you know, since, since it doesn't really matter who Zoey's dating now...
Captain: It doesn't, it really doesn't. It doesn't.
Ted: It's me. You're welcome.
(Ted rapidly leaves, taking Zoey's box on the way)
In the trash bin
Lily: Okay, baby, what gives?
Marshall: I'm sorry, but neither of us are getting any action until I find those rings.
Lily: I hope this doesn't make me look desperate.
Ted's appartment
Barney: All right, Robin, give it to me.
Robin: Damn it, Barney, you failed my test! You know, I- I try to root for you. Even as your ex-girlfriend, when you meet someone, I'm like, "Yeah, Barney, go get her!" But you know what? Just forget it. You're never gonna change. I'm done trying to help you.
Barney: The number. Give me the number, 'cause I really can't tell... Is that a seven or a nine?
Robin: It's a five, idiot.
Barney: A fi...? In what moon man language is that a five?
Robin: "Moon man language"? What does that even mean?
Barney: How am I supposed to see that's a five?
Robin: Look how you taped this up...
Barney: Fine, fine, fine. I have a phone call to make.
Robin: Barney. Go get her.
The Bar
Ted: Listen, Zoey, I need to ask you something. Did I steal you?
Zoey: Well... yeah. You did. By being the kind of sweet, thoughtful guy who'd never even think of stealing someone, you stole me.
Ted: So I'm the bad guy. Great.
Zoey: Well, the story isn't over, Ted. It'll be years before we know who's the good guy and who's the bad guy. I mean, yes, divorce sucks, but sometimes things need to fall apart to make way for better things.
Ted: If you say so.
Zoey: I'm just saying, the eggs are already broken. Let's make sure we get a pretty good omelet out of it.
In the trash bin
Lily: Okay, Marshall, seriously, what's going on?
Marshall: He'll never get to see how I turn out.
Lily: What do you mean?
Marshall: My dad. You know, I used to, um, I used to always tell him that I was gonna be an environmental lawyer. And he was always so proud of me for that. But he never got to see the version of me that was anything but a corporate stooge. And now it's too late. And we're starting a family, you know.
Lily: Are you avoiding sleeping with me 'cause you don't want to start a family?
Marshall: Lily, if we have a baby right now, that is just it for me. The cement will dry, and I will be stuck at GNB forever.
Lily: Marshall, if you want to quit your job and go work for the NRDC right now, then you need to do that right now. And then, once you've cleaned up all the oceans and saved the planet... you know, like, a year from now... then we'll start a family.
Marshall: I don't know. So far, in the name of saving the planet, I've ruined your night, I practically broke Wendy's back and I got Meeker fired. The guy must hate me.
Lily: Meeker doesn't hate you.
Ted from 2030: Oh, Meeker hated him, all right. After all, Marshall was the one who got him fired. Meeker knew we all hung out at MacLaren's. So that night, he went there to confront Marshall. But as luck would have it...
Outsidethe Bar
Meeker: Are you guys...?
Wendy: Closed. Sorry. Thanks.
Meeker: Rough night?
Wendy: Yeah.
Meeker: I'm sorry.
Wendy: It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. Except for Marshall Eriksen.
Meeker: What did you just say?
Wendy: Uh, I said it's Marshall Eriksen's fault. Why, do you know him?
Meeker: Know him? I hate that guy.
Wendy: Me, too.
Meeker: Well, hey.
Ted from 2030: And the rest, as they say...is history.
In 2021
Wendy: And three kids later, we decided to come here on our second honeymoon.
Ted: Wow. That's a pretty good omelet.
Wendy: Oh, and hey, what about you? You still with Zoey?
Ted: No, no, no. Wow, that did not end well. But it's all for the best, 'cause now I'm married to an amazing girl, we have two kids. It's actually a funny story of how we met. I was a best man at this wedding...
Wendy: Listen, Ted, it's great seeing you, but we got to run.
Ted: Okay, well, have a safe trip. It was great seeing you. (Ted phones Marshall) Hello. Marshall.
Marshall: Hey, Ted.
Ted: Hey. You will not believe who I just ran into.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x17 - Garbage Island"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Ted from 2030: Kids, the heart is a mysterious muscle. You never really know what's going on in there. So after Uncle Marshall lost his father, he decided to get his heart checked. And so did I... and so did Lily... and so did Robin. And then Marshall went again, just to be sure. There was only one holdout.
The Bar
Barney: I don't need to go to a heart doctor. I drink every day, I sleep three hours every night, and I have multiple sex partners. I'm doing everything right.
Ted: Barney, come on, this is important. We need you around for a long time. Without you, we'd have to find some other sex-fueled, depraved animal to entertain us.
Robin: Actually, I'm thinking about getting a dog again.
Lily: Oh, can she? Can she get a dog, please Dad?
Ted: No. If you get a dog, I'm going to be the one stuck taking care of it.
Robin: You wouldn't have to take care of it.
Ted: Really? And who watered the philodendron on your bookcase and sang it back to life?
Robin: Yeah, that was made out of silk, Ted.
Marshall: Okay, Robin, what you need is indeed something that buries a bone, but I'm not talking about a dog. I'm talking about a man.
Robin: Here we go.
Marshall: You're clearly trying to fill a hole... in her heart. You feel like the seventh wheel, because now Ted is with Zoey and Barney's with Nora and Lily's with Big Fudge.
Barney: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Big Fudge. "With"? I am not "with" Nora. Wrong preposition. Later tonight I'm hoping to be on Nora, right? Or under Nora, right? Or, we're all adults, I'll just say it... behind Nora.
Robin: I don't know. This will be your second date.
Lily: Oh, Barney's got feeling for a girl.
Barney: Yeah. Penis feelings. Because she's hot. Guys, as you know, I only have one rule...
Ted from 2030: Barney said this a lot.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: If you're gonna get it on in a Port-O-Potty, do it early in the day [...] Never screw over a girl whose last name ends in a vowel. 'Cause she's got brothers [...] Never date a girl with a hook for a hand [...]
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Never go out with the same girl more than once.
Lily: Then why are you going out with Nora again?
Barney: There is an exception.
Ted from 2030: And it was always the same exception.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney:...unless she's hot [...]...unless she's hot [...]...unless she's hot.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: And she is indeed hot. Which is why nothing, not even God himself... yeah, I said it, Beardy... is going to stand in the way of tonight being legend... Wait for it. (He sneezes)
[OPENING CREDITS]
Barney: Hey, Nora, sorry I'm late. I'm just, uh, just getting over a cold.
Nora: Oh, no. How long have you been sick?
Barney: About 20 minutes. Can't seem to shake it.
Nora: Okay, 'cause I was going to say you look a little...
Barney: Handsome? Rich? Well-endowed?
Nora: Huh, let's say well-endowed... with phlegm. All right, let's go. It's bedtime.
Barney: The bed... that's where all the...happens.
Nora: Come on, let's get you sorted out.
Ted from 2030: That night, Barney didn't take care of business. Instead, Nora took care of Barney.
Barney's appartment
Barney: Ah. Thank you.
Nora: Good night, Barney.
Barney: Good night, Mommy.
Ted's appartment
Lily: Wow, she nursed you back to health?
Barney: No. I didn't even see her boobs. She just took care of me.
Robin: Oh, hey, guys. This is Nate. Nate, these are my friends.
Nate: What's up. guys? Nate Scooberman. But everyone calls me Scooby. I'd love to hang out, but I really gotta h*t the john.
Ted: Uh, yeah, it's right in here... Scooby.
Nate: Thanks, brah. I like you guys.
Marshall: Oh, Robin, if you weren't so much stronger than me, I would slap you.
Robin: What? You told me to meet someone.
Marshall: I know, and, look, he seems plenty nice, but I didn't mean bring home the first guy you bump into on the street.
Robin: Actually, I met him in the park.
Ted: Should have just let you get a dog.
Barney: Oh, oh, I should go. Lily, can I talk to you for a second? So, um, I made an appointment with that cardiologist.
Lily: Aw, and you want me to go with you 'cause you're a little scared?
Barney: No.
Lily: Do you want me to go with you because you're a lot scared?
Barney: Yes!
Lily: Okay, fine. On one condition. You have to promise me you won't lie to Nora. She seems like something special.
Barney: Okay, I promise I won't lie to her. I may, however, lie on her. I said, bang-bang, bangity-bang.* Bang-bang-bang, bangity-bang *
At the cardiologist
Barney: * Bang, bang, bangity bang... *
The cardiologist: Are we done?
Barney: * A bang-bang, bangity-bang. *
The cardiologist: Well, Barney, your heart sounds fine.
Barney: See, Lily? She was worried.
The cardiologist: Although it seems like you might have a slight arrhythmia.
Lily: Ow! Nails, nails!
The cardiologist: It's probably nothing to worry about, but I'd like you to wear this heart monitor for the next 24 hours.
Barney: Twen... Flag on the play, Doc. I have a date tonight.
The cardiologist: Don't worry. It's totally safe. Unless part of your big date involves connecting yourself to a car battery.
Barney: Well, now it doesn't.
Ted from 2030: And exactly 24 hours later, they returned for the results.
24 hours later...
The cardiologist: Okay, everything looks fine here, although I did notice a few irregularities. There's nothing to be...alarmed about.
Barney: Go on, Doctor.
The cardiologist: What happened at 8:46 p.m. last night?
Barney: Well, let's see... uh, Wheel of Fortune, naked push-ups, naked chin-ups... I was at dinner.
[FLASHBACK]
Nora: This might be a little forward, but do you have a b*mb strapped to your chest?
Barney: This? No, no. It's a heart monitor. It's a medical thing.
Nora: Oh, I'm so sorry. I've been trying not to stare at your chest all night.
Barney: What's that like?
Nora: So is everything okay?
Barney: My friend's dad passed away from a sudden heart att*ck. So I'm just getting myself checked out, too.
Nora: Oh, I am so sorry.
Barney: Thanks.
Nora: Um, Barney, what I'm about to say is going to sound a little weird, but I think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it.
Barney: Well, for what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked. Unless you dump water on me, 'cause I'll just... No. What is it?
Nora: I want to get married. I mean, not tonight, or even to you, necessarily. But that's what I want. And if that's going to scare you off, then I'd rather it scare you off now. I want a family, and I want to live in a little house with a garden and a tree for the kids to climb. And I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning every morning for the rest of our lives. Just thought you should know that.
Lily: You have to promise me you won't lie to Nora!
Barney: That's exactly what I want, too.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily slaps Barney
The Bar
Nate: I'm really into gardening, but these squirrels keep messing with my tomatoes. Every time I see them in the backyard, I'm like, "get out of here!" And they run off, but sure enough, a few minutes later, there they are again. And I'm like, "get out of here!" So annoying. I smell food. Does this place have a kitchen? I'll be right back.
(He walks away)
Robin: Okay, but you have to admit that he is a lot of fun.
Marshall: Oh, I actually think he's quite intelligent for what he is.
Robin: And what is he?
Marshall: He's a dog.
Ted: He's totally a dog.
Robin: What? You saw him hitting on someone?
Marshall: No, I didn't say, "He a dawg." I said, "He's a dog." As in, a dog. I think we've all noticed a few curious mannerisms. Or rather, doggerisms.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Uh, Scooby, the tag's still on your jeans.
Nate: Where?
Marshall: Okay, Scooby, you ready?
Ted: Good boy!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: That last one did not happen.
Marshall: Okay, you're right. He dropped it.
Robin: He's not a dog.
Ted: Robin, it's fine. You said you wanted a dog and you got one. And the best part is, he got his sh*ts.
Nate: Hey, guys, got my sh*ts.
Marshall: You are so playful.
Ted: Nice job fetching those.
Lily: Yeah, guys, cut it out. Scooby, sit.
Marshall: So, Scooby, we were thinking if you're going to be hanging out with our Robin, you should be properly vetted.
Ted: Uh, yeah. We hope our nosiness doesn't give you "paws."
Lily: How did you meet?
Marshall: Tell us the "tail"
Ted:Yes, how did you "whisker" off her feet? Shed a little light on the matter.
Lily: Did you send her an e-mail, or did you "collar"?
Robin: Guys, just stop hounding him. Oh, geez.
Marshall: No, no, you're right, Robin. We don't want your new guy to "flea."
Lily: We're just trying to make sure he's not a heel.
Ted: So, moving from Canada, that transition must have been pretty "ruff."
Nate: Sure was. My part of Canada's pretty different from New York.
Lily: Oh, I bet it was an "Incredible Journey""
Marshall: What part of Canada is that? Speak.
Nate: Labrador.
Lily: This isn't happening.
Robin: Hey, Nate, why don't you go play some music on the jukebox.
Nate: No, I'm good.
Robin: Oh, sh**t, dropped my keys.
Nate: I'll get 'em.
(Barney arrives, with Nora)
Barney: Hey, guys, this is Nora.
Nora: We were just passing by, and I wanted to pop in for two reasons. First, I wanted to let you know that your friend Barney is being a perfect gentleman.
Robin: Well, it's still early.
Nora: I'm being serious. I had no idea that deep down, he's such a romantic.
Lily: I had no idea he had a deep down.
Nora: Oh, you should have heard him at dinner.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: I mean, I like being single, but secretly, I want to have kids.
Nora: How many do you want?
Barney: Three... one of each. You?
Nora: Three. All in an old stone house.
Barney: Yeah, with ivy growing on it.
Cocktails on the patio.
Barney: And we must have a pool.
Nora: We? A pool sounds brilliant. Are you for real, Barney?
Barney: I really am.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Unbelievable.
Nora: I know, right? And the second reason we popped in is 'cause I need to use the loo. But when I get back, I'm dying to hear all about Mr. Softy here.
Barney: I assure you, that's not a nickname that I...
(Lily hits Barney's stomach really hard)
The cardiologist: And that explains your 14-second cardiac arrest.
Lily: Barney, you promised you wouldn't lie.
Barney: I'm not lying! Guys, Nora's really special. In fact... I think I'm... falling in love with her. Guys! I'm serious.
Lily: I'm not going to let you do this. When Nora gets back here, I'm bl*wing the whistle.
Marshall: Just make sure it's not a high-frequency whistle, because we don't want to t*rture Robin's boyfriend.
Barney: Guys, this is real. And if you don't make me look good in front of Nora, just remember: I've got dirt on each of you, and I am not afraid to spill it.
Lily: Barney, you can't blackmail us into lying to Nora.
Barney: Really, Lily? Even if I were to mention, oh, I don't know... your kindergarten class's pet guinea pig?
Lily: Mr. Buttons? Oh, you son of a bitch. Fine. I'll be nice.
Barney: Marshall?
Marshall: You got nothing on me.
Barney: The calzone?
Marshall: Checkmate.
Barney: Robin.
Robin: Don't say the Mr. T dream, don't say the Mr. T dream, don't say the Mr. T dream...
Barney: The Mr. T dream...
Robin: I'm lost.
Barney: Ted?
Ted: Go ahead. Give me your best. My life's an open book.
Barney: The ballet class.
Ted: I once took a ballet class. Not ashamed.
Barney: The 'N Sync concert.
Ted: 1998. Cleveland's g*n Arena, front row. Caught JC's shirt. What else you got?
Barney: Okay, Ted. The thermos.
Ted: I suppose it's possible Barney has real feelings for Nora.
Barney: I do! So be cool!
Nora: There's a man back there who seems fascinated by the records flipping in the jukebox.
Robin: Sorry, toots. He's taken.
Nora: So. How do you all know Barney?
Lily: Oh, I don't know how we know Barney. How does anyone know how they know anyone? I like your pretty hair, help me.
Marshall: We did not meet him at a strip club. No, sir. Because... Barney don't go to no strip clubs.
Nora: Oh, come on. Barney's been to a strip club once.
Ted: Once?
Barney: Thermos.
Ted: Nope. Not even once.
Nora: Really? So Barney really is a genuinely a nice guy.
Lily: I don't recall.
Marshall: Okay, I think that we're done here, I think that we have adequately established that Barney is... the kind of guy that you would bring home to meet your parents. Okay? So... let's just drop it, all right?
Nora: It's funny you should say that, because, as it happens, my parents are in town. They're only here like once a year. We're getting brunch tomorrow. Do you want to meet them?
Ted from 2030: This was a big deal for Barney.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: I only have one rule. Never, ever, ever meet a girl's parents.
Ted: Not even if she's hot?
Barney: Not even if her mom's hot.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: I'd love to meet your parents.
Nora: It's a date. Well, we should get going. Walk me home?
Nate: Walk? Somebody say walk? I'll go for a walk. I love a good walk.
Barney: No, Scooby, you, uh... stay!
Robin: Oh, no. I got called back in to work. Can you keep an eye on him until I get back? He's new to the city, and he doesn't really know anyone.
Ted: I knew it. I knew it. I knew if you got a dog, I'd wind up taking care of it.
Robin: He's not a... Good night.
Nate: What do we do now? Oh! I got an idea. I was in the park today, and this guy sold me a big bag of...
Ted from 2030: Kids, it was a big bag of sandwiches.
Marshall: Whoa. Put that away.
Nate: You guys want to f*re these up?
Lily: Scooby, we're in our 30s. We don't smoke sandwiches anymore.
Ted: Sandwich brownies?
Nate: Okay.
Ted's apparrtment
Marshall: Sandwiches make me hungry.
Ted: Truth. Hey. I have a question.
Marshall: Yeah?
Ted: What did Barney mean when he said "calzone"?
Marshall: Okay, I'll tell you. Okay. One time Barney saw me drop a calzone on the sidewalk, pick it up, and then keep eating it. It feels so good to finally say that out loud. I...
Ted: Dude. Listen to me. You have nothing to be ashamed of. That calzone sounds amazing.
Lily: Guys, I found this on the floor.
Ted: Oh, my God. Scooby ate the whole tray. Wait. Where is he, anyway?
(The entry door is open)
Lily: Scooby got out!
In front of Nora's
Nora: Here we are. I had a really great time tonight.
Barney: Yeah, me, too.
Nora: Do you want to come upstairs?
Barney: I'd love to. (He kisses her) There's just one little thing, and it probably doesn't matter, but... I don't want to get married. I've been saying that all night just to get in your pants.
(Nora slaps him)
(Lily slaps him again)
Barney: Can you believe...
(The cardiologist slaps him)
Lily: Oh, my God! I found Scooby's wallet.
Marshall: Oh, no! That means the poor guy's out there with no identification.
Ted, on the phone with Robin:Robin! Hey. Hey, um, remember Scooby? Uh, well, he got out.
Robin: "Got out"? What do you mean?
Ted: He just walked out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open.
Marshall: It wasn't me.
Lily: Me neither. He must've figured out how to open it himself.
Ted: He's so smart. We should get him on Letterman doing tricks.
Marshall: I know Paul Schaffer's sandwich guy. This could happen.
Robin: Guys. Get yourselves together and start looking for Scooby. I'm on my way home.
Ted: Wait wait! Robin. Can you pick up some calzones?
Barney: Wait... Nora, wait. Wait. I'm sorry I misled you.
Nora: Misled? You lied to me! You had your friends lie to me!
Barney: I was on the spot. This is your fault.
Nora: My fault?
Barney: Yeah, with the whole "I want to get married" thing. You can't just tell someone exactly what you want out of a relationship. This... isn't England.
Nora: Good-bye, Barney.
In the street
Ted: Great idea.
Marshall: No, great idea!
Lily: Okay. If you were new in town and had just ingested an eighth of sandwich, where would you go?
Marshall: Of course. Back to the pizza place!
Ted: Yeah! Maybe that's where Scooby went.
Marshall: Who's Scooby?
Robin: Hey, have you seen Scooby?
Barney: Uh, yeah. Isn't that him taking a leak on that f*re hydrant?
Marshall: Scooby!
Nate: Oh, hey! It's my friends!
The cardiologist: And that explains 12:51 a.m. Okay. None of this suggests a systemic issue. Your heart's fine. With a healthy diet, you can live a long and happy life. If nobody s*ab you.
Lily: Day's not over.
Barney: Okay. Lily, I'm sorry that I lied about wanting to settle down.
Lily: No, that wasn't the lie. The lie was when you told Nora you were lying. Because you weren't. You want that stuff, Barney, I know you do.
Barney: Okay. Maybe, eventually, I could settle down. 50 years from now, if I have like a Hefner thing going on with some really hot twins. But those twins won't even be born for another... 32 years. I mean... Nora's great. She's wonderful. But...
Lily: What time was your dinner reservation?
Barney: Last night? 8:30.
The cardiologist: What did his heart do at 8:30? It... literally skipped a b*at.
Lily: Your heart's talking to you, Barney. Do you have the guts to listen to it.
In a restaurant
Barney: I lied.
Nora: Barney.
Barney: When I said I lied, that was a lie, and I'm sorry.
Nora: I'm confused.
Barney: So am I. This, all of this, this is totally new to me, but I know it's what I want. I want to be confused. With you.
Nora: Mom, Dad... this is Barney.
Barney: Hi. I'm Barney. Great to meet you. Hey, you want to see a magic trick?
Barney is outside the restaurant where Nora is eating, he turns around.
In 2006, Marshall is walking in the street, and drops his calzone. He bends down, picks it up, then eats it while Barney is watching him.
[END]
|
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "06x18 - A Change of Heart"}
|
foreverdreaming
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.