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[Scene opens on a large commercial kitchen. Chef Anthony (dressed in the traditional white) is speaking to a group of students gathered around a table] Chef Anthony: The trick to onions — cut them in half length-wise, but leave the roots on. Then make your vertical slices. (He demonstrates the proper method for cutting onions than turns to his assistant Dana, also dressed in white) Need a dozen. Think you can handle this? Dana: A dozen is 12, right? [She grabs an onion and starts chopping while Chef Anthony continues with his lesson] Chef Anthony: (picking up some greens) Next, we add mustard greens — spicy, and they pack a nice punch. Plus, they're really good for you. Improve mental function, protect against rheumatoid arthritis. Even inhibit certain types of cancer. (to Dana) Are you going to chop those onions or give them a Thai massage? [Dana is chopping the onions much more slowly than Anthony was] Dana: Well, I guess a happy ending is out of the question. [The other students laugh] Chef Anthony: I don't recall adding making snide remarks to your list of duties. Dana: Just taking initiative. Chef Anthony: (picking up a bowl of mushrooms) Secret ingredient: Porcini mushrooms. You want to reconstitute them in bowl of water. [sht of Dana pausing and looking rather ill] You also want to hire an assistant who can stay focused for longer than 30 seconds. Why don't I hear you chopping? Dana: (trying to keep it together) Just give me a second. [Dana coughs onto the onions she has been chopping] Chef Anthony: You're kidding me, right? Dana: So sorry. Chef Anthony: Are you okay? You want to sit down? [Dana picks up a mixing bowl and looks at her reflection in the shiny metal] Dana: My lips are blue. Cyanosis. (She puts down the bowl) Pain in my back and chest. Spontaneous pneumothorax. [Dana is now having trouble breathing and is unsteady on her feet] Chef Anthony: What are you talking about? Dana: I'm a doctor. Chef Anthony: You are? Dana: And I need a doctor. [Dana collapses to the floor] OPENING CREDITS [Scene opens in Thirteen’s apartment. Thirteen and Foreman are lying in her bed. Foreman is watching her sleep. She wakes up and smiles at him] Foreman: You drool. Thirteen: Shut up. [Cut to Wilson washing dishes in his kitchen. He finishes up, turns off the water, dries his hands and glances at a dirty coffee cup still sitting on the counter. It has a lipstick print on the rim] [Cut to House limping into work at PPTH. He stops in front of the elevators and reads the signs posted on them, which say, “Temporarily Out of Order.”] [Cut to House working his way slowly, and painfully up the hospital stairwell. He enters the diagnostics conference room and sits down heavily, throwing his cane on the table. He is clearly out of breath. Taub and Thirteen are already there] Taub: I know gas is expensive, but I could've given you a ride. House: Elevator's broken. Thirteen: It was fine when I came up from admitting. [Thirteen holds up a file as House as reaches into his pants pocket for his Vicodin bottle] Thirteen: Dana Miller, the cancer researcher. Spontaneous pneumothorax. House: Awfully thin file. Taub: She just got admitted. [Thirteen tosses the file onto the table] House: Lots of things can cause pneumothorax. Why don't we let eight or ten other doctors rule out the boring stuff? Thirteen: We wanna take this case. She's maybe five or ten years away from curing retinoblastoma. House: (popping what looks like more than one Vicodin pill) Which would make this case attractive to anyone who has some vested interest in people curing the incurable. Foreman: She hasn't suffered from COPD. She doesn't smoke. She hasn't been scuba diving. O2 sats are low even after chest tube insertion. [House is checking his own pulse] Taub: Pneumothorax could be secondary to a bunch of things. Cystic fibrosis, lung cancer. Thirteen: Or, to be slightly more optimistic, late-onset asthma triggered by an unknown allergen. [Kutner walks in and takes off his coat] Kutner: We have a case? House: Did you just get to work? Kutner: Am I in trouble? House: Did you take the elevators up? Kutner: Yes. Thirteen: (to House) So, steroids for asthma? House: Yeah. Do a CT looking for hyperinflation to confirm. (The team files out) [Cut to Dana’s room. Taub and Thirteen are preparing to take Dana to radiology] Dana: I thought my hospital was high-tech. I'd have to wait all day for a CT. Thirteen: Dr. House gets a few perks. Dana: He has his own scanner? Thirteen: No, just very loose interpretations of hospital procedure. Dana: I appreciate the extra effort, but — Taub: Our gift to society. We want to get you back to work as soon as possible. Dana: Well, I'm not working. At least not as a doctor I quit. I left eight months ago. Thirteen: You mean, like, a sabbatical? Dana: I had a uterine myoma. Benign. But it ruptured and I needed emergency surgery. I was lying there on the table thinking, "I can't die now. I haven't been happy yet." Thirteen: Couldn't you just buy an overpriced German sports car, or have an affair? Dana: My sports car is doing what I want when I want. Right now I'm learning how to run a kitchen from one of the best chefs in New York. Taub: You're washing pots and smashing garlic? Dana: Smashing garlic makes me happy. Before that it was eight years studying, 12 years in that lab. It was always what I was supposed to do, and never what I wanted to do. (Taub and Thirteen roll the bed toward the door) [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She is sitting behind her desk watching something on her computer monitor. House enters; she beckons to him] Cuddy: Come here. Look at this. Come here. [He goes around her desk to see what she is looking at. On the monitor screen can be seen live video of Rachel, who is home with the nanny. She is playing with her blanket and making happy baby noises] House: Adorable. Elevators keep crashing. Is Mercury in retrograde or what? Cuddy: Elevators can be capricious. Sometimes it just seems like they're out to get you. She keeps playing with the blanket. Why would she do that? House: (walking back around to the front of the desk) Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me? Cuddy: I don't know. Maybe they wanted to take time off to spend with their little dumb waiter. But than they had to leave it at home with an elevator sitter, because you drove the replacement elevator to quitting because, you're incapable of listening to anybody but me. That's just a theory. House: You're wrong. I don't even listen to you. Either do your job or go home. Leave me out of it. [He turns to leave, but stops and looks back when she speaks again] Cuddy: I am gonna do my job. It doesn't mean I have to do it happily. Doesn't mean I have to do it without resentment. And it definitely doesn't mean I have to do it without seeking vengeance on the person making me be here. Congratulations. You've officially dragged me down to your level. [Rachel can be heard laughing in the background] House: Okay. [House leaves and the camera cuts briefly to the computer monitor where Rachel can be seen pulling the blanket over her head again] [Cut to the main lobby. House heads toward the elevators, and ignoring the “out of order” sign, pushes the button. He sees a hospital custodian sitting on a bench near the elevator. The custodian is hiding behind a newspaper] House: (to the custodian) Hey, blue. [The custodian puts down the newspaper, crosses his arms across his chest, and glares at House. House gets on the elevator when it arrives, than turns and smiles at the custodian with great satisfaction] [Cut to the diagnostics conference room, where House and the team are looking at Dana’s CT scan on a lightboard] Taub: It’s not asthma. Lung volume is normal. She did have a uterine myoma removed eight months ago. Central line IV could have made a hole near the lung that slowly expanded. Kutner: No pleural thickening. I can't believe she quit. Foreman: People have the right to be happy. Kutner: I saw a four-year-old with retinoblastoma on my oncology rotation. The cancer had eaten through her eye and into her brain. Foreman: Horrible diseases exist. It doesn't mean people should give up recreational anything. [House has wandered over to the head of the table, and is now sitting down] Thirteen: Why not? Big picture — I don't care if Jonas Salk’s life is a miserable shell. I just want him to cure polio. Foreman: You can't live your life "big picture." You've gotta look out for yourself and the people you care about. Thirteen: Well, then, why are you a doctor? Why aren't you sitting by a pool in Fiji knocking back mai tais? House: People act in their own self-interests. You're all here because you're happy to be here. Or at least because it's your best option. Kutner: I'm here because I want to help people. House: No, you're here because it makes you feel good to help people. Taub and Foreman are here because they've got no other viable choices. And Thirteen is desperate to make her life matter before it's over. Taub: So... you're happy to be here? House: Does it show? Kutner: (looking at the scan again) Are those... increased interstitial markings? Foreman: Could be pulmonary fibrosis. House: Do a biopsy. (The team files out. House stops Foreman) Foreman. "You've got to look out for the people you care about." That wouldn't have anything to do with you screwing over your clinical trial by slipping Thirteen the real drug would it? Foreman: You said that would be stupid. House: Does she know? Because Jonas Salk would not approve. Foreman: There's nothing to know. (He leaves) [Cut to the GRC. Foreman is testing Thirteen’s memory by showing her pictures and than asking her to remember them a few minutes later] Foreman: (Holding up a card with pictures of a train, a duck, and a piano) Got it? (Thirteen nods and he holds up another card of pictures) Good? Thirteen: Yep. Foreman: You okay? Thirteen: Just a headache. I took some ibuprofen, but — Foreman: Where's the pain, front or back? Thirteen: Front. Why are there never any interesting pictures on these cards? They should make a dirty version. Foreman: A sharp pain, or more of a throbbing — Thirteen: Relax, it's not a side effect. People get headaches. Foreman: True, but I can get you an MRI. Thirteen: If I'm on the drug, it's been weeks. It's not like something's going to suddenly crop up now. Foreman: Okay. First card. Thirteen: Train, duck... Foreman: You can't remember? Thirteen: Piano. (She laughs) [Cut to Dana’s hospital room. Taub is talking to Dana] Taub: We need a biopsy to confirm — Dana: You need an open-lung biopsy to confirm pulmonary fibrosis. That's invasive surgery. I'd be out of commission for weeks. Taub: No offense, but you're not working. What does it matter if you spend a little time in bed? Dana: Not working doesn't mean I don't have places to go. I've got my book group, piano lessons, cooking classes. They make me happy. Taub: A warm apple fritter makes me happy. It doesn't fulfill me as a person. Dana: And working here does? Taub: If it didn't, I’d have found a way to go back to tucking tummies. Dana: Well, good for you. If your job fulfills you and makes you happy, that's rare. Taub: I didn't say I was happy. I loved being a plastic surgeon. The money, the life style, and in a lot of ways this job stinks. I'm making five bucks, I’m always annoyed... but — Dana: You can look yourself in the mirror and think, "I did something worthwhile today." Taub: Exactly. Dana: That's important. And I do miss that. But it just wasn't enough anymore. (She pauses and feels the left side of her stomach) That doesn't feel right. Taub: Sit up. [She tries to sit up but falls back in pain] Dana: Oh, that's weird. (Taub taps her stomach with his fingers and then turns to get a syringe out of a drawer) What is it? Ascites? [Taub jams the needle into Dana’s stomach and pulls back on the plunger] Dana: Ow! Taub: Your belly's full of blood. [Cut to House walking down the hall toward his office. The team is trailing behind him] House: First her lung deflates, like me after a cold shower. Now her liver starts to bleed, like me after— [He trips in the doorway of his office, falling flat on his face, and dropping his cane. He looks back toward the door. Foreman steps over the tripwire in the doorway and goes to House, picking up his cane and holding it steady so House can use it to get up. Taub squats down to examine the tripwire] Foreman: You okay? House: Great. Just practicing my clown college audition. Taub: Someone set a trip wire. We were with the patient the whole time. Thirteen: We were in the GRC. House: Lung, liver, go. [The rest of the team step over the tripwire and enter the office] Kutner: Shouldn't you be obsessing over who did this to you? House: Nope — anybody bother MRIing our patient's liver for tumors? Taub: Uh, no tumors, no cysts, no clear etiology. [Taub holds the MRI film out and Foreman takes it and looks at it. Thirteen is standing next to him. She turns to also look at the scan. House is watching Thirteen closely] Taub: If you're not obsessing, you must have already figured it out. House: Yes. So I'm obsessing about why you're not obsessing about why our patient's liver suddenly sprang a leak. Foreman: There's a tiny spot on the caudate obe. Could be a granuloma. (He hands the MRI scan to House) Erodes into the hepatic artery, causes the bleed. House: (looking at the scan) What caused the granuloma? Thirteen: Blastomycosis. Could have been a symptomatic for months. It hits her lungs, we give her steroids. It blossoms and attcks her liver. House: Get a piece of her lung, stick it under a black light. If it glows, sick children who need her soufflés can breathe easier. [Taub, Thirteen, and Kutner file out, all carefully stepping over the tripwire. House stops Foreman again] House: Foreman. Foreman: Again? House: (sitting down behind his desk) You have a problem. Foreman: I told you, I didn't — House: Then you really have a problem. The way she turned her head to look at the MRI... I think she's losing her peripheral vision. Foreman: Because she turned her head? House: I'm happy for you. A love so deep you're ready to chuck your medical license to give her powerful, unproven drugs with dangerous side effects. I don't want to make any assumptions about your feelings for me, but I do have a birthday coming up. [Foreman shakes his head and leaves, carefully stepping over the tripwire] [Cut to a clinic exam room. House is sitting on the exam table, treating a scrape on his right knee, which it can be assumed he got when he fell. Wilson enters] Wilson: I hear Cuddy's SEAL training finally came in handy. Should I be investing in a flak jacket? House: You're safe. Wilson: No carpet bmb? No burning of Dresden to teach her a lesson? Well, since you're incapable of taking the high road, I assume there's some deeper, more long-term strategy in effect. House: Cuddy's not playing games. She's not looking for leverage. She wants pure, unadulterated vengeance. Wilson: And your counter-move is to let her have it? House: The only time to strike back is when I want something. All I want now is to get things back to normal. Which I can't get by escalating. The only way to win this wr is to lose it. Let her punch herself out. [House finishes by putting on a bandaid and than rolls down the leg of his pants] Wilson: Yeah, that makes sense too. House: "Too"? Wilson: I was thinking you actually feel guilty about taking her away from her baby. But your explanation's good too. It's completely inconsistent with your character, but whatever. House: Oh, thank you, rationalization man. You have saved the village. You wanna eat? (He gets down off the exam table) Wilson: (picking up the file from the exam table) You forgot your file. (He sees the name on the file) Dana Miller? The cancer researcher? House: Not anymore. (House opens the door and exits) [Cut to Dana’s hospital room. She is scratching her head. Wilson enters] Wilson: Dr. Miller, I doubt if you'll remember me — Dana: James Wilson, right? Chicago, the adenocarcinoma conference. Wilson: Impressive. You want some cortisone for that itch? Dana: Liver failure. Itching is one of the lovely side effects. Wilson: Why did you quit? Dana: Well, the worst thing is now every time I get sick, I have to listen to a dozen people judge me. Wilson: Do you want me to congratulate you? I've got four kids in pede-onc right now who are gonna die. Three of them within a year, the other in a few days, probably. Dana: Breakthroughs will happen. With or without me, someone will find the answer. Wilson: Maybe. (He scoffs) I — I... I'm in the trenches. I'm — I'm doing triage as best I can. You had the chance to end the wr. How is someone like me supposed to keep fighting when someone like you just... walked away? Dana: When I left my job, a lot of people were furious with me. It was easier to be angry than to admit they weren't happy. That they were stuck in a rut somewhere in their lives, unable to move forward. What's your rut? [Cut to the Taub’s bedroom. Taub and his wife are lying in bed watching TV. Taub keeps looking at Rachel] Rachel: Okay, you're freaking me out. Taub: Do you think we should have kids? Rachel: (turning off the TV) We've had this conversation. Taub: Ten years ago. Things change. Rachel: On our third date I told you that I didn't want to have kids, and you said that you were okay with that. Taub: I said it because I wanted to sleep with you. And then I fell in love with you. And I realized that I really could be okay with it. It wasn't like I had this burning desire to have children. Rachel: God, have you been resenting me all this time? Is that why — Taub: No. Of course not. I'm just... revisiting. Rachel: (taking his hand in hers) This isn't a whim for me. It's not a decision that I made lightly. Taub: Don't you ever wonder what it would be like? Rachel: All the time. Just not enough to make me want to do it. I like our life. Are you okay? Can I turn the TV back on? (She turns the TV back on and snuggles up close to him) [Short aerial sht of PPTH at night and then cut to Foreman walking into the lab where Thirteen is working. He holds his forefinger up in front of her face] Foreman: Look straight ahead. [Foreman moves his finger, first to the left side of her head, and than to the right] Thirteen: Why didn't we do this test this morning? Foreman: You see that? Thirteen: No. Foreman: Damn. Thirteen: I'm losing my peripheral vision? (Foreman nods) I am on the drug. Does this mean you have to tell them and take me off it? Foreman: No, and yes. As far as they're concerned, you're on the placebo. I found out last week. The trial was getting positive results... So I switched you. Thirteen: So my headaches... I'll stop taking the drug, and everything should be fine. Thirteen: (turning back to the test she was performing) Specimen's negative for blastomycosis. Foreman: That's it? Thirteen: (getting up to leave) I'll go give House the test results. You can tell the patient. Foreman: Hey! Thirteen: (She stops and looks at him) We've been dating for two weeks. You just broke trial protocol and risked your entire career to give me a drug we're not even sure will help me. I don't think I'm ready for that. (She leaves) [Cut to Dana’s hospital room. It is dark and she is sleeping. Foreman enters] Foreman: (turning on the light and waking her up) Dr. Miller? I'm sorry. The test was negative. So I'm gonna take you off — what happened to your head? Dana: I don't know. I was sleeping. It's so itchy. Foreman: (grabbing a tissue) You were scratching it in your sleep. (He dabs at the bloody spot on her head with the tissue) You scratched right through your skull. This is brain matter. Need some help in here! [Cut to a hospital lobby area. Thirteen, Kutner, and Foreman are sitting. House is standing in front of the reception desk. Taub approaches] Taub: I did a free flap closure to avoid any scarring. She was lucky — the scratching didn't cause any brain damage. But the first thing she said when we woke her up was, “It still itches.” (He sits down beside Kutner) [House hangs his cane up on a rail above the reception desk, pulls his Vicodin bottle out of his pocket and opens it] House: Itch receptors are only in the top two layers of skin. Which means she's not actually itchy, she just thinks she is. Taub: So the problem's in her brain? Thirteen: Thank God we have you here to interpret that for us. Sorry, I have a headache. Kutner: Could be psychogenic. She made big, sudden change in her life. Could be the result of a mental imbalance. Taub: She wants to do what she wants to do. What's crazy about that? Kutner: Why do you have to quit to do it? If I want to do something, I do it. If you can figure out a balance, there's no burnout. House: Thanks for the lesson, Deepak. The itching started yesterday, not eight months ago. Meningitis, encephalitis... (He snaps the Vicodin bottle shut and pops a/some pill/pills) Taub: Those are diffuse processes. This is localized. Foreman: Could be plaques. MS would explain, possibly the lungs. Taub: So would a brain tumor. House: Well, how 'bout we stop guessing and MRI her head instead? [The team all get up and leave. House reaches up for his cane, but it is not there. He looks around, confused, than realizes what happened. He spots a bucket and a mop sitting by a pillar and has an idea] [Cut to the doctors’ locker room. Thirteen is unlocking her locker. Foreman enters] Foreman: You want to talk about your headaches? Thirteen: Not particularly. Foreman: You went off the drug, but the headaches are worse. You need an MRI. Thirteen: (taking a pill bottle from her locker) The patient needs an MRI. If she had gangrene, would you be amputating my leg? Foreman: Those pills have codeine in them? You're taking twice the indicated amount. Thirteen: I've only been off the drug for 24 hours, so I think the bigger issue here is that I've been off you for 24 hours. Foreman: You have worsening headaches, loss of peripheral vision, and a long history of pretending bad things aren't happening. You really think this is just about my hurt feelings? [Cut to House entering Cuddy’s office pushing the mop bucket; using it for support, like a cane. Cuddy hears the squeaking and turns toward him] Cuddy: I don't remember demoting you. House: (pulling a folded up magazine from his hip pocket) I brought you something. The latest issue of “Parent” magazine. Really interesting column. Apparently, working moms are actually more engaged and attentive than stay-at-home moms. Something about personal fulfillment. Cuddy: (grabbing the magazine from him) That's just a rationalization by working moms to justify not being with their kids. Which is fine, if that's what they want. It's not what I want. (looking at the magazine) And this is “Nurses Quarterly.” House: The point is — Cuddy: You're only here to get back at me by dumping dirty mop water on my carpet. Just get it over with so I can get back to work. [House just looks at her than, using the mop and bucket like a cane again, wheels his way out of her office] [Cut to Thirteen lying on the MRI bed. The bed is moving into the machine] Foreman: (speaking from the control room) I'm sorry. I figured... only one of us needed to go out on a limb. I thought I could help you. Thirteen: It's hard to have a conversation when I'm trying not to move. [beeps] Foreman: (looking at the monitor) Oh, God. [Cut to the conference room. Taub and Kutner are sitting at the table. House enters, using a utilitarian hospital cane] Taub: Patient's MRI was negative. No tumors, no lesions. Kutner: Where's your cane? House: (heading for his office) Where are your coworkers? Taub: I paged them. Kutner: It could still be psychogenic. Taub: Technically, it can't still be that, because it never could be that. She scratched through her skull while she was sleeping. Unless she was having a dream about fleas — House: (talking to Foreman who has just entered and taken his coat off the rack) Oh, hey, funny you should drop by. We were just talking about this patient of ours. Tell him the part about where two of her doctors don't show up — (Foreman opens the door to leave) Where are you going? (putting something in his jacket pocket and coming back into the conference room) (to Taub and Kutner) Polyneuropathy. It's not in the brain, it's in the nerves. It explains the itching, the lungs, the liver. Shock the affected area, reboot the nerve — she'll be fine. House: (following Foreman out into the hallway) Foreman. How bad is she? Foreman: (waiting for the elevator) She's got a tumor in her optic chiasm. House: You don't need your coat treat a tumor. Foreman: I'm going to the drug company. House: To tell them that you compromised their trial, your ethics, and the patient's health? That's a great idea. Foreman: They have records on hundreds of patients. I can ask them for access, find out if other patients developed tumors and how they were treated. House: This drug inhibits cell death. I think I could take a wild guess at how I treat that. Foreman: Stop taking it? Yeah. She tried that yesterday. House: Oh, my God, it's been a whole day, and her brain tumor hasn't melted away? (The elevator arrives) If you get on that elevator, and it's only 'cause you're worried about getting to sleep tonight — Foreman: (getting on the elevator) I want to be able to tell her this happened to other people, and they're fine now. House: So tell her. Foreman: I'm not gonna lie to her. House: A little late for that. (House stops the elevator doors from closing) You need to wait. Because if this thing doesn't go away, she's gonna need you to still have a medical license. [Cut to Thirteen’s apartment. Foreman enters] Foreman: So I spoke with House. He thinks we should just — Thirteen: (sitting on the sofa) My leg is bleeding. Foreman: (squatting down to look at her leg) What happened? Thirteen: I was going for the phone, and I fell over the table. I can't see. Foreman: What do you mean? Thirteen: (sounding scared) I can't see anything. [Cut to Wilson’s office the next morning. House is asleep on the sofa when Wilson enters. He sighs and slams the door, waking House up] Wilson: You gonna tip housekeeping? House: (looking at his watch) Get it from Cuddy. Wilson: Don't tell me — she brned your apartment to the ground. House: (holding his leg and sitting up) Warmth would have been nice. No heat, no power. Apparently Mrs. House called the utilities and told them we were moving. Wilson: (checking House’s cell phone which is lying on the table) You have 17 messages. (tossing the phone to House) And your non-involvement strategy doesn't seem to be working. [Cut to the conference room where Kutner is trying to call House on the phone. House enters and heads directly for the kitchen area for coffee. Thirteen and Foreman are not there] Taub: Hang up, he's here. Kutner: We've been paging you all night. House: By all means, let's discuss the failed attempts to contact me, not the reason behind them. Taub: Patient started experiencing spinal shocks before the machine was turned on. L’Hermitte's sign. House: Shocks without shock, an itch that won't stop. She needs Dr. Seuss. (He pops a Vicodin) Kutner: L’Hermitte's sign could mean Behcet's, B-12 deficiency. House: No sores, no anemia. Where's Foreman? Taub: No idea. Kutner: Could be another demyelinating disease. Why are you asking about Foreman and not Thirteen? House: Because both questions are bound to have the same answer. Ebony and ivory are joined near the hip. Forget the brain. Look lower. Kutner: The spinal tumor wouldn't explain the liver or the lungs. Taub: But an aggressive spinal hemangioma could. House: Go find it. [Cut to Thirteen’s apartment. Thirteen is sitting in a chair. House enters] House: You didn't answer the door. Thirteen: Probably because I didn't want to talk to anyone. You can leave your stolen key on your way out. House: I was looking for Foreman. I figured... (He pauses, noticing that she is not looking at him) You can't see. Where is he? Thirteen: On his way to the drug company. House: (grabbing the phone off a table) Tell him to come back. I'll dial. Thirteen: If they can help. House: You think that drug company has a magic tumor wand that no one else knows about? You need radiation, not ritual sacrifice. [House had been dialing the phone, but he pauses the call and sits down beside Thirteen] House: He asked for my advice before he switched you off the placebo. I told him to do it if he loved you. Thirteen: He only thinks he loves me. House: It's the same thing. Yes, he's an idiot. You didn't ask him to do anything. You're pissed off that he did. So let him torch his career to pay for his sins. Unless, you actually feel something for the idiot. In which case, you might want to tell him to turn around. (He hands the phone to Thirteen who connects the call) [Short aerial sht of PPTH than cut to Wilson approaching Cuddy at the main desk in the clinic] Wilson: You're hurting him. Cuddy: Good, after all the stunts he's pulled on me. Wilson: You're physically hurting him. Cuddy: That's the point. Wilson: What's the point? What do you think you're going to accomplish? Cuddy: (handing a file to the duty nurse) House shouldn't be allowed to make people miserable without paying for it. Wilson: You're not miserable! Cuddy: You're telling me how I feel? Wilson: You're here because you like this. You like working with him. Cuddy: Wow, if only I'd known I was having fun, I wouldn't have canceled the bouncy house. Wilson: fre him, and go be home with your new baby. Cuddy: I like what he does for this hospital. Wilson: What he does is who he is. And the same goes for you. [Cut to House and Foreman in an OR. Thirteen is lying on the OR table. She has been anesthetized. They are preparing to irradiate her tumor] House: Slow down. Unless you want to radiate her heart instead of her brain. Of course, then your problems would actually all go away. Foreman: Thanks. I'm not beating myself up enough already over this. Entering the left common carotid. House: (watching the monitor) You broke the rules. Girlfriend went blind. You gotta be ready for losing to be one of the possibilities. You're at the carotid bifurcation. Foreman: I knew that giving her the drug would be bad for me if I got caught. I never thought it would be bad for her. Nobody else was having adverse reactions. House: You did it because you love her. Ironically, you never took her into consideration. Can't wait to see what you get her for your anniversary. Catheter's adjacent to the optic chiasm. We're in position. (Using tongs, he takes a small vile out of a box and hands it to Foreman) Nukey, nukey. [Cut to Taub and Kutner doing a scan on Dana] Kutner: What's going on with everyone today? Taub: It involves House, Foreman, and Thirteen, which means it's either dumb, dangerous, or tragic, or a combination. I'm embracing my ignorance. Kutner: (looking at the monitor) House was right about the hemangioma. Looks fixable. Taub: (also looking at the monitor) What's that? Hemangiomas travel solo. This thing has brought a friend. Masses in her lungs and spine. One in her pericardium. Kutner: They're everywhere. [Cut to Taub, Kutner, and House viewing the scan results in the radiology viewing room] Taub: Classic mesothelioma. It metastasized outward to the spine and muscles. House: Ah, the irony of it. Maybe she wouldn't be sick at all if some other lazy cancer researcher hadn't gone home early. Kutner: Where are Foreman and Thirteen? House: Shouldn't you be saying, "Those weren't there when we scanned her two days ago?” Taub: Mesothelioma shouldn't grow this fast. House: Good rephrasing. Have Wilson do a biopsy to confirm. Kutner: No. Something weird is going on. It involves our colleagues — we should know. You want us to treat the patient, tell us what's going on. Taub: Actually, all he needs us to do is tell Wilson to do something. So... (He leaves) Kutner: You always blab to watch people react. So not blabbing means you don't want us to react, which can't be good. Is Thirteen's headache not just a headache? If I check with Admitting, am I gonna find her name? [Cut to Wilson performing the biopsy on Dana] Wilson: A little pinch. I'm sorry about the other day. I... unloaded on you. And... Dana: You're not sorry. You feel bad because mesothelioma means I'm dying. You're a good person. I appreciate the sentiment. Wilson: I'm not apologizing because you're dying. I'm apologizing because you were right. I am stuck. My girlfriend died. She was the only person I've loved for a long time, and... I'm still living in her apartment. I'm surrounded by her things. I have left it all exactly where it was. I don't know how to get unstuck. Dana: The only wrong thing is... to do nothing. Wilson: (nodding) Yeah. (inserting the biopsy needle) All right. Dana: That's not supposed to happen. [Cut to Thirteen in a recovery room. Foreman and Kutner are with her] Kutner: Have you thought about going to the drug company, see if they can help? Foreman: I thought about it. Thirteen: We need to give it more time. It's been half a day. Kutner: This thing keeps growing, there's other stuff in your brain you might need later on. Thirteen: If I were any other patient, you'd both be in the lounge, eating donuts. Foreman: You're not any other patient. Thirteen: Right. Any other patient, you don't feel guilty. But you don't get to torch your career to pay for your sins. Foreman: House told you to say that, didn't he? Thirteen: Does that make it any less true? Foreman: You think he's right? Kutner: Who cares? You're a hypocrite. You don't ask her if she wants to be on the drug, but when there's a chance you could help her get better, suddenly you're letting her call the shts? That's not being noble. That's saving your own ass. Thirteen: I'd feel worse if he destroyed his career. [Cut to Taub, Wilson, and House talking in a hospital corridor] Wilson: Mesothelioma doesn't bleed. House: So what causes masses that do bleed? Wilson: AVM's secondary to schistosomiasis. Taub: She'd be crawling with worms. We'd have noticed it. Gorham's disease and Kasabach-Merritt can both cause super-aggressive vascular tumors. (His pager goes off and he reads it) Patient's heart just stopped. (He takes off toward Dana’s room) House: So what causes that? [Cut to Dana’s room. Kutner is there, machines are beeping] Kutner: Cardiac tamponade. She's bleeding into her pericardium, smothering her heart. Syringe. [Kutner inserts the syringe into Dana’s pericardium and pulls up on the plunger] Kutner: BP’s going back up. It's working. Taub: No, it's not — look. [Alarms are going off and Dana is bleeding from her eyes and nose] [Short aerial sht of PPTH at dusk, than cut to House, Taub, and Kutner walking toward the elevators] Taub: We're transfusing platelets, FFP, everything to try to keep her sab. But we can barely keep up with the blood loss. At this rate, she could be dad by the end of the day. Kutner: We need to resect the vascular tumors, stop the bleeding. House: Too late — no surgeon's gonna touch her now. Kutner: So we give up? Just let her bleed out? House: Don't be silly. You know what that would do to our malpractice insurance rates? We go on the offensive. Cut off the invading army's supply line. Taub: You're talking about embolization? House: Cut off the arteries that feed blood to the tumors, they wither and die. (pushing the elevator button) Start with the ones in her lungs. If they get any bigger, she's gonna have a hard time breathing. So she'll have a hard time telling us she's dad. Taub: You can't kll the tumors without also klling healthy tissue. If we wipe out 3/4 of her lungs... [The elevator has arrived and House gets on] House: Let's hope that running marathons wasn't on her happy list. (The elevator doors close) [Cut to a hospital corridor. Cuddy is sitting on a bench outside the elevators, twirling House’s cane with her fingers. House gets off the elevator] Cuddy: (holding out the cane) I found this. In the, uh, coat closet. Where I hid it. House: (taking the cane and holding it up to talk to it) Thought I'd never see you again. Little, little Greg. Yeah, you heard me right! [House puts the utility cane on a cart being pushed by an orderly and sits down on the bench beside Cuddy] Cuddy: You are who you are. It's annoying, but... it's not your fault. It isn't about you. I… I… I'm sorry. House: Because you were doing this job perfectly until the baby came along. Cuddy: What? I'm apologizing. Can't you just accept my — House: I accept. We gonna have to do this dance again in 28 days? Cuddy: What the hell is wrong with you? House: Yesterday, you hate me. Today, you're practically weeping on my shoulder. I can only assume that what I'm hearing is your aunt flow telling me... [House has his epiphany. He gets up and limps back to the elevator, pushing the button. Cuddy follows him] Cuddy: When I was being a jerk, you suddenly act human. But when I act human, you turn back into a jerk. House: Guess our cycles aren't matched up yet. Cuddy: This is your way of saying you accept my apology, isn't it? House: Nope, this is my way of saying you were doing a crappy job before; you will do a slightly crappier job now. Everything keeps going. Nature of life. Nature of parenthood. [The elevator arrives and House steps on, but Cuddy stops the doors from closing] Cuddy: Or this whole thing is just an act. And you've gone back to the part you think you need to play. House: You should go talk to Wilson. Rationalization Man needs a faithful side kick. Now, Rational Man needs to go save a life. [Cuddy smiles at him and lets go of the elevator doors] [Cut to House striding purposefully into Dana’s room and heading right for the waste can. He toes it open and peers in] Taub: House. If you're looking for returnable bottles, Kutner’s already cleaned it out. House: Damn! Oh, well. (Putting his cane in the waste can, he hooks an empty sanitary napkin box and holds it up) That means the only thing I'm gonna get out of this... Is a diagnosis. (He flips the box to Taub) Kutner: So the nurses gave her pads instead of tampons. Is that diagnostically relevant? House: Fact that the nurses had to give her anything is. Means she's bleeding from her uterus. (He goes over to the foot of the bed) Taub: Women do that. It's perfectly natural. Not scary at all. House: She menstruating and, she's bleeding everywhere. There's about a 3 or 4 in 28 chance it's a coincidence. Which leaves a much bigger chance that the diagnosis is ectopic endometriosis. She had a myoma eight months ago. Surgeons cut through her uterine wall. Every cut of the scalpel could have sent endometrial cells spilling out into her bloodstream. Some of them took up residence in her lungs, some in her liver, some in her spine. And like all horny little cells, they went forth and multiplied till they reached a critical mass. In the days leading up to her next period, when her uterus is supposed to swell, everything swelled. And when her uterus was supposed to bleed, everything bled. Yes, ladies, I am blaming her period. Granted, it's the worst period ever. Although, frankly, not by all that much. Cut out the masses, she'll be fine. Taub: Can't do surgery until her cycle's over and she stops bleeding. House: Well, let's hope she can hold out till then. In the meantime, get her a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a DVD of “Beaches”. (He leaves) [Cut to Foreman standing in Thirteen’s hospital room, looking upset. He approaches the bed and takes Thirteen’s hand. She is asleep] Foreman: I'm sorry. [Foreman starts to leave, but Thirteen wakes up and looks at him] Thirteen: Foreman? I can see you. [He sits down on the bed and hugs her] [Brief aerial sh*t of PPTH and than cut to Taub entering Dana’s hospital room] Taub: How you feeling? Dana: Relative to the last few days, awesome. Taub: You almost died. For the second time in eight months. Dana: I know. Taub: How do you feel about your life choices this time? Dana: I didn't lie there thinking "what if?" Taub: I always worry, on my death bed I'll think, "I didn't do anything really important." Dana: You're gonna spend one day of your life on your death bed. The other 25,000 are the ones we should be worrying about. Go to bed happy tonight. [Cut to Foreman in the GRC, observing the drug trial participants. He pulls out his cell phone and dials] Foreman: Dr. Schmidt. It's Eric Foreman. Uh, actually, the trial isn't going too well. [Cut to the doctors’ locker room. Foreman is just sitting on a bench, looking discouraged. House enters] House: You told them, didn't you? (Foreman nods) Well, you really had no choice... On account of being an idiot. They gonna pull the drug? [House opens a locker and starts rummaging] Foreman: I broke protocol. Her results are no longer admissible to the trial. They don't have to do anything. Anyone else gets a tumor, they'll put a warning on the label. [House takes a wallet from a pocket, takes some cash from it] House: Gonna keep your license? Foreman: They'll come after me if I attempt to participate in any more trials. House: That's very decent of them. (He puts the wallet back into the pocket) Well, good for me. (He closes the locker door) I'll see you tomorrow. (He puts the money in his pants pocket) And the next day. And the next day. (He moves toward the locker room door) Foreman: That wasn't your locker, was it? House: It's a lock-er room. How else are they gonna learn? (He leaves) [The last scenes play out with a background of Joshua Radin singing “Brand New Day.”] [Cut to the Taub’s bedroom. Rachel wakes up and sees Taub sitting in a chair across the room] Rachel: Do you think you can't be happy without a kid? Taub: I don't know. I know I can't be happy without you. [Rachel gets out of bed and goes to snuggle up beside him in the chair] [Cut to Foreman and Thirteen lying in Thirteen’s bed. Foreman is awake, just staring up at the ceiling. Thirteen wakes up and looks at him] Thirteen: You snore. Foreman: Shut up. [Cut to Wilson washing a few dishes in his kitchen sink. It is a bright, sunny morning. He hesitates, than grabs Amber’s lipstick stained cup and washes it] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x14 - The Greater Good"}	foreverdreaming
[Scene opens on a church basement meeting room. Daniel (the priest) and Eileen (a parishioner) are cleaning up tables after a church event. They sound tired but appear to be almost finished] Daniel: It's okay, Eileen. I got this. Eileen: Are you sure? Daniel: Yeah. You get home. Eileen: Thanks, Danny. See you in the morning. Daniel: I'll be here. [Eileen leaves] [Daniel is putting some flyers away on a rack when there is a knock on the door. He walks up a flight of stairs and opens the door to Daryl] Daniel: Food's gone, Daryl. We're closed. Daryl: You wouldn't happen to have an extra coat in there, would you? Daniel: You're wearing a coat. Daryl: A winter coat, man. It's cold. Daniel: Come on. (Daniel rummages through some bags of donated clothes and comes up with a sweatshirt. He hands it to Daryl) Here. Daryl: (looking at the back of the sweatshirt) Rangers? You expect me to wear this in Jersey? (He gets no response from Daniel) Come on, man, where's your sense of humor? Daniel: Good night, Daryl. [He leaves Daryl to let himself out, turns out the lights in the meeting room and goes through a door, which leads to his living quarters] [Here Daniel engages in some very unpriestlike behavior; lighting a cigarette and pouring and drinking a glass of hard liquor. He finally puts out the cigarette, takes off his sweater and his clerical collar and lights the burner in a gas fireplace.] [Later Daniel can be seen reading, praying, and drinking more alcohol. He appears to be worried about something] Daniel: Go away. [Someone is pounding on the door. Daniel goes back into the meeting room and up the stairs to the door. He pulls it open and just stands there for a second, then he shakes his head] Daniel: That's not funny, freak. [Cut to a figure of Jesus Christ standing at the door. He is bloody, wearing a crown of thorns, and there are holes in his hands as he would appear after the crucifixion] Christ: No one is laughing, Daniel. [Daniel stares for a moment, then looks down to find that the Christ figure is hovering above the ground rather than standing on it. He looks back up at the Christ and now appears to be very frightened. The camera pulls back to show Daniel standing at the door and the Christ figure floating a few inches off the ground] OPENING CREDITS [Scene opens on House just coming into work at PPTH. He stops at the main desk to pick up his messages. Cuddy is standing there also holding a stack of messages] Cuddy: You doing anything Friday? House: Taking a lovely young lady to the Philharmonic. Cuddy: That your way of saying you're having sex with a hooker? House: Two. Can't create a harmonic with just one. [House moves toward the elevator. Cuddy follows] Cuddy: Well, I was hoping you might available for Rachel’s Simchat Bat. It's a… House: Jewish baby-naming ceremony, a time-honored tradition dating all the way back to the 1960s. Cuddy: My house at 7:00. It'll just be the rabbi and a few friends and some family. [They have reached the elevator. House pushes the button] House: Nothing like welcoming a baby into the world with a completely naked display of hypocrisy. Cuddy: There'll be plenty of wine and nice people you can quietly mock. House: Wish I could, but I already put down a deposit on 16 crates of Jell-O. [The elevator arrives and House steps in. Cuddy puts her hand on the door to prevent it from closing] Cuddy: House… It's one evening. I'd like you to be there. House: Religious hokum, get sponge bath. Can I get back to you? [Cuddy lets go of the elevator door and it closes] [Cut to later, in the ER, where House is looking through the patient files. Cameron approaches]] Cameron: Can I help you? House: Just browsing. Thanks. Happy to be underachieving again? Cameron: Running the ER is slacker heaven. Looking for anything in particular? House: (looking at a file) Not anymore. Where's this guy? Cameron: Why? House: 'Cause he's my next patient. It'd be rude of me not to introduce myself. [Cameron glances at the file and then over to an ER cubicle where Daniel can be seen lying on the bed] Cameron: He's a drunk priest who hallucinated Jesus. House: Afraid you might have missed something? Cameron: Afraid you're everyone's time? It's obviously either alcohol or exhaustion. House: So you admit you have no idea which? Cameron: I admit that I'm too busy to care who you're screwing with. (She walks away) House: Don't thank me. Just knowing I can be of assistance is thanks enough. [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. The team is running a differential on Daniel. House is writing “hallucinations’ on the whiteboard] Taub: You went out of your way to pick him? This is nothing. [House puts down the marker and takes his cane from where he hung it on the whiteboard] House: There are no small cases. Any guesses where this joke is going? [Taub smiles briefly and Thirteen grins] House: Could be hm epilepsy… Taub: Could be alcohol. Shouldn't we let the ER rule the obvious out — House: Atropine toxicity, occipital lobe tumor. Kutner: You know something about this case you're not telling us? House: Why would you think that? Thirteen: 'Cause you want to screw with us. Kutner: Or screw with a hallucinating priest. House: Both are possible. There's only one day to find out. Run an EEG for epilepsy. CT his brain for tumors. And go check his House Of God for toxins. [They all get up to go perform their assigned tasks] House: Fourteen, hold up. (Thirteen and Foreman stop) This department is broken, (House sits down at the head of the table) and I'm not gonna take a real case until it's fixed. Job or relationship — your choice. Foreman: What? House: To put it in terms you might better understand, if you don't split, you must quit. Foreman: The drug trial is over. I’m out, she's out. House: Don't care. Thirteen: We're adults. We can handle this. You just have to give us a chance. House: No, you're not. No, you can’t. And no, I don’t. Mull it over. You got until the end of this fake case to decide. [Foreman and Thirteen look at each other and leave] [Cut to Daniel’s hospital room where Taub and Kutner are preparing to perform the EEG. Kutner finishes attaching the electrodes and switches on the monitor] Daniel: I wasn't drunk. I had one or two drinks. Taub: People often underestimate alcohol's effect on their — Daniel: I was on my way to six. I know how alcohol affects me. This wasn't the alcohol. Kutner: (looking at Daniel’s file) You lived in Manhattan for three years. Then a year in Oregon, 18 months in New Mexico, less than a year in Wisconsin, and now you've been living in Trenton for the last six months. Daniel: Yep. Kutner: The more we know about you, the more likely it is we can help you. Daniel: Mm, it's not medically relevant, so — Taub: No way to know unless you went to medical school. Daniel: Four years ago, a teen in a youth group at my church accused me of inappropriate contact. I was innocent, but the church decided to transfer me, said it would be easier for all involved. When the parishioners at the new church got wind of why I'd been transferred, they were unhappy. I was sent off again and again, and how is any of that medically relevant? Taub: So the kid lied? Daniel: He was confused. Taub: Confused whether you molested him or not? Daniel: Okay, you wanted to know why I moved around so much, and I told you. How about telling me why I was hallucinating? Taub: Syphilis could explain the hallucination. Daniel: I'm not sexually active. Taub: You don't have to admit you did anything with the kid. You weren't always a priest. Daniel: I wanted to be since I was 12. I entered the seminary when I was 17. Taub: Maybe it wasn't a hallucination. Maybe it really was Jesus. Daniel: I'm not insane. Kutner: Seeing Jesus makes you insane? A bit of an odd attitude coming from a priest. Daniel: Well, it's just a job now. The fairy tale ended a long time ago. [Cut to House and Wilson working their way through the cafeteria line] House: You're a wuss — part wimp, part puss. Wilson: I have no choice. I'm part of the ceremony. House: I thought you were already circumcised. Wilson: It's one night for a friend. House: What about the friend who has two tickets to Brubeck at the Blue Note? Wilson: I thought you had an orgy planned. House: I lied. Wilson: Are you lying about the Brubeck tickets? House: Yes, but only to save you from yourself. Wilson: I'll be fine, and so will Cuddy if you don't show up. I'm surprised she even invited you. House: (wondering) It is oddly flattering. [Cut to Foreman and Thirteen sitting at the counter in a bar] Thirteen: God, I'm so sick of his stupid stunts. Foreman: Everybody has to put up with their boss's stupid stunts. Thirteen: No, they don't. There's HR. There's Cuddy. There's other jobs. Foreman: House doesn't listen to HR. Cuddy will let him fre us before she fires him, and I don't want another job. Thirteen: Why do you cling to him? Why do you defend him? Foreman: Just because I don't want to be unemployed doesn't mean I'm codependent. Thirteen: I'm not saying you're codependent. I'm saying you're scared. Foreman: You know what? You're right. Thirteen: So you wanna quit? Foreman: No, I wanna stop a stupid stunt. House doesn't want either one of us to quit. He wants this. He's got two lab rats in a maze and thrown in one piece of cheese. Thirteen: S — so what do we do? Foreman: Nothing. [Cut to House, Taub, and Kutner walking down a hospital corridor] House: Cool. Taub: It's cool he's a child molester? House: It's cool the priest doesn't believe in God. It's cool that God did to him what he did to the kid. Kutner: Allegedly. House: You think he's innocent? Taub: He had honest eyes? House: And you think he's guilty, which explains why you're dying to discharge him. Taub: I'm dying to discharge him because he's not sick, not because he's a pedophile. Kutner: Allegedly. Taub: You actually believe the kid got confused? Kutner: If everybody lies, that includes teenage boys. House: Aren't we lucky to have such an interesting patient? Taub: Had — there's nothing wrong with him. House: The world's most boring case just became a page turner, you want to tear out the last chapter? [They have stopped in front of the elevator. House pushes the button] Taub: You want to examine his character, go to a soup kitchen. We are done testing him for things he doesn't have. House: (to himself) Bad news for Foreman and Thirteen. (He gets on the elevator, leaving Kutner and Taub looking puzzled) [Cut to House’s office. House is sitting behind his desk. Foreman and Thirteen are standing in front of the desk] House: Case is over. Thirteen: We're not splitting up. House: So which one of you is taking a hike? Foreman: And neither of us is quitting. House: Interesting. Foreman: You were fine with Chase and Cameron dating. You obviously don't actually have an issue — House: (to Foreman) You're fired. Foreman: How long are you gonna keep this up? We know you're not — House: Wrong. Again. In fact, in the last few weeks, it's hard to remember a correct call you made. If Chase had compromised his professional judgment to help Cameron, I’d have fired his ass, too. Foreman: When my mistake blew up, you did everything to keep me from contacting the drug company. House: To save your license, not your job, and definitely not your relationship. So, badge. (He holds out his hand) Foreman: Fine. [Foreman tosses his hospital badge on the desk and leaves. House puts the badge in a desk drawer and turns back to Thirteen] House: Why don't you see if you can find us a real case. (She leaves) [Cut to Daniel’s hospital room. Taub and Kutner are both with him] Daniel: How can you discharge me when you have no idea what's wrong? Taub: We know what's wrong, and now that you've slept it off… Daniel: It's not just a hallucination. I feel nauseous. My foot feels numb like it's fallen asleep. Kutner: You didn't mention that before. Daniel: I didn't notice it before. Taub: Are you hiding from someone? Why are you so intent on staying here? Daniel: I don't feel well. I know there's something wrong with me. Kutner: Which foot? Daniel: My left. [Kutner puts on latex gloves and pulls back the blanket to examine Daniel’s foot] Kutner: Oh, God. [He holds up something small and black] Daniel: What the hell is that? What is that? Kutner: Your toe just fell off. [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House is standing in front of the whiteboard looking at Daniel’s toe, which has been put in a specimen jar full of liquid. Only Taub and Kutner are present] House: Must be my lucky day. New symptom means the old symptom was a real symptom, and I get to keep our pederast priest after all. Kutner: Where are Foreman and Thirteen? House: They left. House: Leprosy can cause necrosis and hallucination. [House tosses the specimen cup to Taub and writes “necrosis” on the whiteboard] Taub: Why would they leave? House: Because Foreman doesn't work here anymore, and Thirteen is mad that I fired him. Don't worry. She'll be back. (House puts away the marker and leans on the whiteboard, staring at it) She'll be pissed off. She'll want to take a stand. And then Foreman will convince her that there's no reason both of them should be out of a job. House: Leprosy's a bad fit. Kutner: Why'd you fre Foreman? House: I gave him a choice — split or quit. He chose neither. What about ergotism? Taub: He's giving up his career for her? House: He's giving up this career for her. No, normal white blood count. Carbon monoxide poisoning? Kutner: They're good doctors. House: (turning around to face Taub and Kutner) Separately, they're great doctors, better than you. Together, they're morons. Go check out the house that they would've checked had this been a real case. And page Thirteen, tell her to run the blood for CO. And get the priest in a hyperbaric chamber before anything else falls off. [Cut to the doctors’ locker room. Forman is removing items from his locker and putting them into a large duffle bag. Thirteen is sitting on a bench] Thirteen: So what are we gonna do now? Foreman: I get a letter of recommendation from Cuddy and find a new job. Thirteen: That's it? You're just gonna give up? Foreman: House is right. Our relationship did affect my judgment. Thirteen: Then I should quit. It'll be easier for me to find another job. Foreman: Not like this one. Thirteen: We should both quit. Foreman: What's that gonna accomplish? Don't worry. I'll be fine. We'll be fine. [Thirteen gets up and kisses Foreman. They are interrupted by her pager going off] Foreman: Go ahead. Thirteen: I'll see you tonight? Foreman: I'll be home early. (She gives him a quick goodbye kiss and leaves) [Cut to Daniel’s church, where Taub and Kutner are searching his apartment] Kutner: You really think House is done with Foreman? Taub: If you ask me, Foreman should be done with Thirteen. He's not gonna get a better job, which means he'll end up resenting her for losing this one, which she'll end up resenting. (As he talks, he is examining the items in the refrigerator) [Kutner picks up a half empty liquor bottle to read the label and than puts it back down] Kutner: Or the hardship'll bring 'em closer together. She'll invite friends over for Foreman to share. (checking with a CO detector) No leaks in the heater. Taub: She's not a nympho. She's bisexual, which, by the way, means she's accustomed to partners who don't need a map to find the treasure. Taub: (picking up a pack of cigarettes) CO poisoning might have come from these cigarettes. Kutner: Not unless he was smoking them in a bell jar. And even if you know where the treasure is, it can still be pretty hard to dig it up without a shovel. Taub: You can buy a shovel. [Cut to Cuddy stepping into the elevator at PPTH. House squeezes in beside her just before the doors close] House: Let's see… How do I keep House from ruining my precious display of religious hypocrisy? I know, I'll pressure him to attend, knowing that he'll never agree to anything I actually want him to do. Cuddy: I didn't pressure you. I invited you. And there's nothing hypocritical about recognizing your heritage. House: So you keeping kosher now, wearing four-cornered garments, slaughtering heifers to the god Ra? Wait, is that one your people? Do it all, do nothing, or option "C" — you're a liar and a hypocrite. Cuddy: House, for better or for worse, you are a part of my life. It isn't a ploy. It's a sincere invitation. I honestly want you to come. House: Wouldn't miss it for the world. [The elevator dings, the doors open, and Cuddy gets out] Cuddy: I'm glad. [Cut to Cuddy entering Wilson’s office without knocking] Cuddy: You idiot. I was free and clear. Now he's coming, and it's your fault. [She walks around to the front of his desk and sits on it. Her arms are crossed over her chest] Wilson: Since when have your failed attempts at communication through lies become my fault? Cuddy: Since you forgot how to keep your mouth shut. You messed it up, and now you're gonna fix it. And you're gonna keep my name out of it. (She leaves) [Cut to Daniel in the hyperbaric chamber. Thirteen is in the control room. Taub and Kutner enter] Kutner: How is he? Thirteen: sab. Necrosis doesn't look to be spreading. Kutner: I was talking about Foreman. Is he really gonna leave? Thirteen: That's usually what people do when they get fired. Kutner: Why are you biting my head off? I was just wondering what he was gonna do. Thirteen: You're right. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. Taub: It's not House's fault either. He gave you guys a chance, you blew it. Thirteen: Uh, he didn't give us a chance, he gave us an ultimatum. I would've thought five years here would buy a mistake or two. [Daniel starts pounding on the walls of the chamber] Daniel: Help me! Help me! I can't breathe! Feels like something's on my chest! [The team runs in, Thirteen turns a knob on the machine, and they get Daniel out of the chamber] Kutner: Looks like a heart attck. [Cut to Cuddy reading in an armchair in her office. Foreman enters] Foreman: I assume you've heard. [He sits down in the chair opposite her. She sits up and throws the file she was reading on the table] Cuddy: I can't override him. Foreman: I'm not asking you to override him. I'm asking for a letter of recommendation. Cuddy: Eric, the reality here is… House should've fired you. You falsified medical records, put this hospital's reputation in jeopardy. You're lucky you still have a license. Foreman: I can't get a decent position at another hospital without a recommendation. Cuddy: I'm sorry. [Cut to the conference room. House and the team — minus Foreman — are running a new differential. Thirteen is looking glum] Taub: Chest pain wasn't angina. EKG ruled out heart attck. House: So the good news is, he didn't have a heart attck. The bad news is, I apparently fired the only guy who actually knows what a heart attck looks like. So the man of God who doesn't believe in God had a heart attck that isn't a heart attck. Do I know how to pick awesome cases or what? Could be a clotting disorder. Kutner: Three different symptoms, three different clots? House: I know. How cool is that? You two do an angio. (to Thirteen) You don't want to work, so why don't you just go get me a lottery ticket? The sicker he gets, the luckier I feel. [House gets up and takes his cane from the table] Kutner: Where are you going? House: I've been wanting to introduce myself. (He walks out) [Cut to Taub and Kutner performing the angiogram on Daniel. House enters] House: Are you really a virgin? Daniel: You have to treat me. You don't have to believe me. House: And before we treat you, we have to diagnose you. Not knowing whether we can believe you is making that difficult. Daniel: Everything I've told you is true. House: You lost your faith because a teenager got confused? Daniel: And the church abandoned me, and my God forsook me, and I couldn't come up with a reason why God would do that. Kutner: (watching the monitor) God gave the church and the kid free will. Their exercise of that free will hurt you. Means you're just a victim of God's gift to mankind. Daniel: Oh, yeah. God wants life to have meaning. Life's meaningless without free will. With free will, there's always suffering. So, God wants suffering. I got tired of that argument before I even finished saying it. And even if I bought that, what the hell is God doing? You know just the big stuff? The acts of God, the hurricanes, the earthquakes, the random killings of millions of innocent people. Than we better damn pray. House: God, I wish you weren't a pedophile. Taub: (looking at the monitor) Lungs are clean. No embolism. No pleurisy, no pneumonia. Kutner: I'm sorry. This is gonna hurt. Daniel: No, it's fine. Kutner: No pain at all? Daniel: No. Why? House: Because there should be. (putting his finger on Daniel’s chest) You feel that? Daniel: No. Kutner: Regional anesthesia is a new symptom. House: Not if the chest pain is related to the numbness. It's not circulatory. It's neurological. Run a nerve-conduction study. And be careful. If you kll him, he'll be dancing with the dark one. (House leaves) [Cut to an aerial view of PPTH. It is daytime and there is snow on the ground and on the roof] [Cut to an interior sht of House and Wilson walking down a hospital corridor] Wilson: Why the hell are you going to Cuddy's baby naming? (They stop walking) It's a religious ceremony. It's boring. Why waste a good evening that could be much better spent in a drunken stupor feeling sorry for yourself? House: Okay. [House takes off again. Wilson follows] Wilson: Okay? Okay, you won't go? House: Okay, your obligation to Cuddy is fulfilled. Wilson: (heaving a sigh of frustration) Why are you doing this? House: Why did Hillary conquer Everest? Wilson: You always have a reason. It's usually a bad one, but a reason. House: She's being childish. Wilson: See, that's an example from the bad category. Is it resentment? The stork brought home a new baby, and you don't want to share mommy? Or you just can't stand to see others happy? [They have arrived at House’s office door] House: She's trying to play me. If I let her succeed, the trrorists win. (He enters his office) [Cut to Thirteen entering the doctors’ lounge. Chase and Cameron are there sitting on the sofa] Thirteen: I heard there might be an opening in the ER. Cameron: Foreman's a neurologist. That's not where he — Thirteen: I did an ER rotation in Miami. If I can find another position, I figure House will rehire Foreman. Chase: (getting up to get some more coffee) Don't quit. Thirteen: Cuddy wouldn't give Foreman a recommendation. He's not gonna be able to find a decent job. Chase: Foreman shouldn't leave either. Cameron: You think they should split up? Chase: Office romances are a bad idea. (Cameron looks at him questioningly) We bat some very long odds. [Chase comes and sits back down on the sofa] Cameron: Wow, why don't you save the gushy stuff for the wedding? (to Thirteen) House is playing with you. If you let him get away with it, he's not gonna respect you anyway. Chase: Or House is helping you. He knows it probably won't work out. And he's actually doing you a favor. Cameron: Yeah, that sounds a lot more like House. (to Thirteen) I know they're looking for someone at Mercy. I'll make a call. [Thirteen smiles and leaves the lounge] [Cut to Taub and Kutner running the nerve-conduction study on Daniel] Daniel: Your boss always like that? Kutner: Usually worse. Finding a fellow atheist always makes his day. Think it's possible maybe God's testing your faith? Daniel: No, I already failed. There'd be no point in what he's doing to me now. [Kutner picks up Daniel’s file. Taub is watching the monitor] Taub: Got something. Looks like inter costal neuralgia. Daniel: What's that? Kutner: Something's traumatizing one of the nerves that runs along your ribs. Explains the chest pain and numbness. Could also cause muscle atrophy. Daniel: (blinking) Does it do anything to the eyes? Kutner: Why? What's wrong? Taub: Are you seeing Jesus again? Daniel: I'm seeing nothing. My right eye went blind. [Back to the conference room for yet another differential. The whiteboard now lists: “hallucination,” “necrosis,” “chest pain,” and “blindness] Taub: Ophthalmological exam's normal. Nothing structurally wrong with the eye. Kutner: His heart rate's down. Sensory loss is becoming more diffuse, progressive muscle weakness — he's shutting down. Thirteen: It's got to be something systemic, like autoimmune. [They all look at Thirteen, surprised that she is participating again] Taub: CSF was clear for Guillain Barre. Thirteen: Cancer? Taub: Imaging studies have been clear for tumors. [House grabs his cane off the table and gets up] Thirteen: Then that leaves infection. Kutner: He'd be brimming with white blood cells. House: Or we are at the back stage door of a Duran Duran concert. Hundreds of screaming girls clustered around. What does that mean? Kutner: That girls like rock bands. House: The presence of the fans indicates the presence of the band. Different night — same band, same door. Now there's not a girl in sight. What does that mean? Thirteen: Sorry, I don't speak hair band. Kutner: They weren't a hair band. They were new romantics. The band already left? House: Nope, the band's still there, still rocking out. When does the absence of the fans not indicate the absence of the band? Thirteen: When it's 2009. There aren't any Duran Duran fans. House: They don't make ‘em anymore. If there's no infection, it's because there aren't any fans, no white cells. Taub: You think, his spleen? House: Why do I bother with these great metaphors if I still have to spell it out? Yes, I think it's his spleen. Go get a biopsy. I'll try to get "New moon on Monday" out of my head. [House puts his cane on the table and sits back down. Taub and Kutner leave, but House stops Thirteen] House: Why are you talking this time? Thirteen: (sitting down at the table) If I quit, will you rehire Foreman? House: Why? Thirteen: He can't find another job. I can. House: And you're willing to make that sacrifice for him? Thirteen: Yes. House: Does Foreman know about this plan? Thirteen: Yes. House: Well, if he's okay with it, who am I to say no? [Cut to Daniel’s hospital room, where Kutner and Taub are preparing to do the biopsy] Kutner: Hold still. [House enters and sits down in the chair next to the bed] Daniel: You think it's my spleen? House: That's what they're testing. So if I happen to cure you, what happens then? You start thinking that God was working through me? This is some sort of miracle? Daniel: Do you think I'm an idiot? House: That's what I'm testing. Daniel: Losing my faith wasn't a choice I made. It happened. It's gone. For good. House: But if it can magically disappear, it can magically reappear, and that's what you're hoping. Your job… Daniel: Sucks. House: That's my point. You can make more money frapping decafs, and yet you're still ministering to the meek. Why do the lord's work if the lord has left the building? Daniel: I've been with the church my entire adult life. It's my only marketable skill. House: I detect the stink of leftover faith. Daniel: You want to talk hypocrisy, what about you? You act like you don't care about anyone, but here you are saving lives. House: Solving puzzles. Saving lives is just collateral damage. Daniel: Yeah, nice try. I don't think you're looking for somebody to prove you right. I think you're looking for somebody to prove you wrong, to give you hope. You wanna believe, don't you? House: Yeah, I want to walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees, but I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to go fornicate with fruit. (He leaves) [Cut to an aerial view of PPTH. The sun is lower in the sky] [Cut to an interior sht of a hospital corridor. House and Cuddy run into each other and continue on down the hallway] House: Hey, I was just talking about you… Not you specifically — whores and hypocrisy. Cuddy: You were right. I don't want you there. (They stop walking) It's a special occasion filled with love and acceptance, and the last thing I need is someone there who's filled with loathing and contempt. House: Okay. Cuddy: That's it? You're really not coming? House: I'm really not coming. Cuddy: Thank you. House: You're welcome. Gosh, I feel so grown up. [House leaves Cuddy standing in the hallway. She doesn’t seem to be as pleased as would be expected, given that she just got what she wanted] [Cut to Taub, Kutner , and Thirteen in the lab] Kutner: (to Thirteen) He's obviously just jerking you around, wants to see if you're serious. If you just stick it out, I think he'll bring Foreman back. Taub: I don't, and even if I'm wrong, I think you should still split up. It's just a matter of time before one of you finds the other in bed with another woman. Kutner: This coming from the relationship expert. Taub: 12 years and counting. Thirteen: Hey, if you can make it that long, then anyone can. Taub: Funny how the two people in the room who think relationships are easy are both single. Kutner: I don't think they're easy. That's why I think if you find something that could be good, you should hang onto it. Taub: Everything could be good. Very little ever is. Thirteen: (looking at the monitor) His spleen is fine, just some insignificant traces of minor bugs. Nothing that'd make him sick. Taub: Which minor bugs? [Cut to Daniel’s hospital room. House is sitting on a chair near the foot of the bed eating what looks like pudding. Daniel is also eating] House: Why do people suddenly find religion when they have kids? Daniel: Fear of the unknown. Cornerstone of faith. I think it makes perfect sense. House: So it makes sense because it doesn't make sense. Daniel: The fact that you're railing about it doesn't make a lot of sense. You really got a thing for your boss, huh? House: I've got a thing for my boss's thing. She doesn't have a thing… per se. I'm big on metaphors. What about you? 29 years of celibacy. What's holding you back now? Daniel: Who wants a relationship with a priest? House: Who wants a relationship? [Taub slides open the door and leans in] Taub: House? [House goes into the hallway to talk to Taub and Thirteen] Taub: It's the holy water. Thirteen: We assumed if it was an infection, it had to be something big and nasty. Taub: But he has pneumocystis, a harmless bug that's everywhere and never makes anyone sick, unless they have a compromised immune system. House: (looking at Daniel through the glass) So father Nietzsche has AIDS. [Cut to Taub and Kutner talking to Daniel in his room] Daniel: Impossible. I've never had a blood transfusion. I've never done IV drugs. I've never had sex. Taub: So prove it. Have an AIDS test. Daniel: No. I know I don't have AIDS. Kutner: We can't treat you until we know what it is. Daniel: A negative result proves nothing. On the off chance it's a false positive, I permanently lose any credibility I have left. Taub: I'd say you just lost that. Daniel: (angrily) I'd say I lost that with you a long time ago. [Cut to House’s office. House is sitting in the Eames chair listening to Taub and Kutner argue about Daniel. House is holding a Vicodin bottle] Taub: We should start treatment for AIDS. Kutner: We need to be sure. The antiretrovirals could fry his heart, his liver, his kidneys. Taub: I'm willing to take that chance. Kutner: Big of you. [House pops a Vicodin pill] Taub: I'm more worried about the kid he molested. We should be finding him and getting him tested. Kutner: You don't think he already got tested? Taub: Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but that's a chance I'm not willing to take. Kutner: Legally, we can't inform sexual partners about STDs. [House gets up and walks between Taub and Kutner] Taub: This isn't some middle-aged barfly who likes it bareback. This is an innocent kid who was molested. Kutner: You just want to rub the priest's face in it, get him transferred again. Taub: Yeah, heaven forbid a diddler has job issues. House: (now standing behind his desk) And you get brought upon charges. I've lost enough doctors this week. Treat him for AIDS. (He sits down behind his desk. Taub and Kutner leave) [Cut to Thirteen’s apartment. She and Foreman are sitting at the table] Thirteen: I found a job. Foreman: I didn't know you were looking. Thirteen: Eggers at Mercy says I can start Monday. Foreman: Why would you — Thirteen: House says if I go, you can come back. Foreman: It's been less than two days. Give up on me that fast? You get a job behind my back? Thirteen: You're acting like I'm cheating on you. Foreman: I said I would handle this. Thirteen: House knew you'd be like this. Foreman: Wow. I guess House knows me better than you do. Too bad I don't go both ways. Thirteen: Good night. (She gets up from the table) [Cut to Wilson and House sitting at a booth in the hospital cafeteria] Wilson: Don't you hate when they put the mushrooms underneath the cheese? House: Your attendance is validating her hypocrisy. If she invited you to a ceremonial lynching, would you go? Wilson: It would depend on what she was serving. Everyone's a hypocrite. Why are you suddenly so obsessed with Cuddy's particular brand? House: Just making conversation. Would you rather we go back to talking about mushrooms and cheese? Wilson: (pointing a finger at House) You're the hypocrite! You want to go! You don't resent this baby. You wanna be a part of it. House: Yes, but not until her 16th birthday… in some states. Wilson: This is ridiculous. You two deserve each other. If you wanna go, just go and act like a human being. House: Wow, solid advice, except for two things. I'm acting like I don't wanna go because I don't wanna go, and… (He surreptitiously swipes some food off of the tray of a boy who is walking by) I am incapable of acting like a human being. (House takes a bite of the food he swiped and glances back toward the boy) [Cut to Taub entering a small diner. A teenage boy is wiping down tables] Taub: (approaching the boy) Ryan? Ryan: Yeah. Taub: I'm Dr. Chris Taub. Can we talk? (They shake hands) Ryan: Yeah. What's wrong? Taub: Uh, in private? Ryan: Nobody's listening to us here. Taub: Um, I work at Princeton Plainsboro Hospital. I have some news about father Daniel Bresson. Ryan: What about him? Taub: We believe he has AIDS. Ryan: Okay, so? Taub: Well… uh, given the incident four years ago, I think you should be tested, unless you've already done so. Ryan: How sick is he? Taub: Very. Ryan: Okay. Well, um, thanks. Taub: Have you been tested? Ryan: Uh, yeah. Taub: And? Ryan: And it really isn't any of your business. [Cut to House’s office. House is standing behind his desk. Foreman enters] Foreman: I want my job back. House: Love, sacrifice, deception, and now betrayal. This is better than a telenovela. [Thirteen walks in] Thirteen: What going on? House: Well… either Foreman is here, as the two of you discussed, to beg for his job back in exchange for me dumping you, or… nothing. Thirteen: (to Foreman) You're trying to get me fired? Foreman: I'm suggesting you quit and I stay, which is exactly what you suggested last night. Thirteen: I told Eggers I didn't want the job. Foreman: Find another one. Only took you eight hours to find that one. [House sits down as they argue] Thirteen: The point is, why didn't you tell me you were doing this? Why are you here without me? Foreman: You're overreacting. We'll talk about this later. Thirteen: Oh, that's what this is about. It's about you taking control. It's about you not being able to handle me saving your ass. Foreman: And you're not being controlling right now? House: Yeah! Who's the controlling bitch now? Foreman: House, shut up. Foreman: You never wanted to take that other job. You never wanted to save me. You wanted to offer to save me so you wouldn't feel guilty. You knew I'd say no. That's why you're so mad right now. Thirteen: You're an idiot. (She walks out of the office) House: Well, either you can go after her and try and patch things up, or you blow her off and take your old job back. [Foreman sighs and turns to look at House. House interprets this as meaning that Foreman wants his job back. He pulls open the drawer containing Foreman’s hospital ID badge and hands it to him] House: Welcome back. [Cut to Daniel’s hospital room where Kutner is adding AIDS meds to Daniel’s IV] Daniel: AIDS meds aren't gonna work. Kutner: If you'd let us do a test, we could stop treating you, or you could stop lying. Daniel: (looking uncomfortable) I know the feeling. Kutner: BP's climbing. You feeling okay? Daniel: No, I feel flushed. Ah, I’m burning all over. Ah, my chest. (He pulls open his hospital gown to reveal a rash on his chest) [Cut to the diagnostics conference room, where House is adding “skin lesions” to the list of symptoms on the whiteboard] Taub: It's not a new symptom. It's just a reaction to the AIDS meds. Kutner: Yeah, he reacted by getting worse. Means it's not AIDS. House: So went Satan forth from the presence of the lord and smote Job sore with boils. Taub: You think it's hyper-IgE syndrome? House: I prefer the colloquial term "Job syndrome." Explains the symptoms, and my quote. Kutner: That's the first thing I checked. IgE levels are normal. Could be some other genetic disorder. Thirteen: Cerebral microtumors could explain the blindness and the hallucinations. Foreman: We didn't find any tumors. Thirteen: That's why I didn't say "tumors." I said "microtumors." Foreman: So your explanation doesn't depend on us being major morons, just morons? Thirteen: We should start genetic testing. Foreman: It takes too long. Thirteen: So we start treatment. Foreman: Treatment is surgery. We can't open him up without confirmation. Thirteen: So your position is we can't test and we can't treat? Foreman: My position is you're wrong. Thirteen: This isn't gonna work. House: Are you kidding? I've never felt more alive. Conflict breeds creativity. Go run the genetic tests. Kutner: On it. [Taub and Kutner leave. Thirteen and Foreman glare at one another. [Cut to Daniel’s hospital room] Daniel: So now you don't think I have AIDS? Taub: I still think its AIDS. On the off chance it isn't, we're pursuing other avenues. [Taub looks over his shoulder and sees Ryan standing there] Taub: (approaching Ryan) Ryan. Ryan: He's, um… he's dying? Taub: Uh, we don't know what's wrong with him. Ryan: Can I speak to him? Taub: I don't think that's a good idea. Daniel: Ryan? Taub: Um, why don't I get you — (Ryan moves toward Daniel’s bed) Come on, Ryan, now's not a good time. [Ryan looks like he wants to say something but is having trouble with it] Ryan: (to Daniel) I'm sorry… (pause) For everything. (Ryan gets down on his knees beside the bed) I'm sorry. [There is a long pause. Daniel looks at Ryan and a tear runs down Ryan’s cheek] Daniel: (He puts his hand on Ryan’s head) I know. I know. [Cut to the conference room. House is sitting and staring at the whiteboard. Wilson enters] Wilson: Any second thoughts about Cuddy? House: Nope. But please, feel free to blather on. Wilson: Raising a child on her own is scary. She's just doing what you do, what everyone does — trying to avoid pain. House: Religion is not the opiate of the masses. Religion is the placebo of the masses. If you're saying she's not a hypocrite — Wilson: I'm not. I'm trying to give you a rational reason to overlook her hypocrisy so you don't feel like a hypocrite for going. House: Oh, sorry. Continue. Wilson: Okay. Even if an absolute truth exists, we can't know all of it, and you can't condemn her for recognizing that. [House has his epiphany. He gets up and approaches the whiteboard. He grabs a file from the table and uses it to cover up each symptom in turn as he thinks] Wilson: Are you eliminating symptoms? House: We can know everything. Wilson: This is medicine not metaphysics. House: Truth is truth. (He erases “hallucinations” from the board) It fits. Wilson: It doesn't fit. You can't eliminate a symptom. House: I can if it's not a symptom. Wilson: Well, what is it? House: Not a symptom. (House leaves) [Cut to House entering Daniel’s hospital room] House: (He stands beside Daniel’s bed) You're not gonna die. You have Wiskott-Aldrich syndrome. It impairs your immune system, makes you susceptible to all the AIDS stuff without actually having AIDS. And you didn't catch it. You were born with it. Another gift from God. Daniel: You sure? House: Genetic test should confirm it, but it explains all your symptoms — toe, chest, eyes, skin. Daniel: What about my hallucination? House: Scotch explains that. [House pulls a chair closer to the bed and sits down] Daniel: But that was just a coincidence. House: Coincidences do happen. Daniel: That coincidence is what brought me to you in the first place. House: You promised you wouldn't go there. Daniel: Einstein said, "coincidence is a God's way of remaining anonymous." House: A woman in Florida said, "look, Jesus is on my cheese sandwich." Daniel: You didn't even want to take my case. You didn't even think I was sick. House: The fact that I was wrong is not a proof of God. Daniel: I'm just trying to understand how my life could completely turn around in a single day. House: Don't worry. Your life will go back to sucking soon enough. Everything that happened to you can be rationally explained. Daniel: I know. It's just… That's a lot of coincidences. [Cut to Cameron doing paperwork in the ER. Cuddy wanders by and stops at the desk where Cameron is working] Cuddy: House was right about the priest. Genetic test confirmed it was Wiskott-Aldrich. Cameron: And I would've discharged him. Cuddy: Everybody would've discharged him, House included. He only took that case as a stall. Cameron: And yet it was a real case, and he solved it. Cuddy: By violating his own principles and ignoring the admitting symptoms. Still he somehow got away with it. Saved another life. Cameron: You want him there tonight. (pause) You should tell him. [Cut to the front doors of PPTH. It is late afternoon. Cuddy is standing by the front desk when House walks through the lobby on his way out. She grabs her briefcase, clears her throat and hurries toward the front doors arriving there just as House does. (Could she possibly have been waiting for him?) They pause just inside the doors. It is snowing heavily outside] House: it's, cold out there. Cuddy: At least you have shoes that cover your toes. House: So it's tonight? Cuddy: Yep. Bad weather for it, huh? House: Maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe your sister will decide the roads are too dangerous to drive on. Cuddy: Fingers crossed. [Cuddy inhales as if she is about to speak, but House speaks before she does. In the background can be heard the beginning strains of “Cuddy’s Serenade.”] House: Have fun. [They exit the building together, but part outside, walking in opposite directions] [The next few scenes are intercut between House’s apartment, Cuddy’s House, and Thirteen’s apartment; and are played out to the accompaniment of House composing and playing “Cuddy’s Serenade” on his piano. At Cuddy’s the Simchat Bat is in progress. Cuddy is rocking Rachel, who appears to be asleep. Cameron, Wilson, and Chase are there, smiling and obviously happy. Wilson and Chase are wearing yarmulkes. There are numerous guests enjoying the celebration. At Thirteen’s apartment, Thirteen enters and performs a little bow for Foreman who is sitting on the couch. They are pleased that they were able to pull one over on House, who thinks they have split up. Thirteen climbs on Foreman’s lap and they kiss. House is sitting at his piano. He pauses to take a sip of whiskey. The snow is coming down hard outside his window. He starts playing again, working out the notes and picking up the tempo as he finds the right melody. There is a f*re burning in his fireplace. Cuddy hands Rachel to Cameron and hurries to answer the door (hoping to see House perhaps?) She opens the door to an elderly couple. A brief expression of disappointment flits across her face, then she smiles and hugs the woman. House is still playing his piano. Thirteen and Foreman are still kissing. Cuddy takes Rachel from Cameron and smiles sadly at Wilson who gives a little half smile back. House finishes the song and sits, with his hands resting on the piano keys] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x15 - Unfaithful"}	foreverdreaming
[Scene opens to a close-up of a doctor talking to a couple in a hospital room. The camera pulls back and we see the mother (Melanie) in the bed holding an infant and the father (Joseph) standing by the bedside] Doctor: I want to reassure you, your child can have a completely normal life. Joseph: How can a baby have male and female DNA? Doctor: It’s a condition called Genetic Mosaicism. The ambiguous genitalia can be surgically repaired. Melanie: Repaired? Doctor: Made to look more typical. Melanie: More typical? But you haven’t even told us if the baby is a boy or a girl. Doctor: That’s — that’s a choice you have to make. [Flash forward 13 years to the present. We are now watching a Jr. High basketball game in which the baby in question (Jackson) is a participant (as a boy). His Mother and Father are in the stands cheering him on. Jackson has the ball.] Melanie: (clapping and cheering) Good job Jackson. [We see Jackson dribble up the court, pass the ball to another player, and then get the ball back again] Melanie: (softer this time) Take it. (Meaning, take the sht) [Jackson hesitates, then passes the ball to another player who takes the sht and misses] Melanie: (disappointed) He had the sht. He lost his nerve. Joseph: Honey its OK, he’s doing great. [Jackson gets the ball again] Melanie: Three. [In slow motion we see Jackson trying to make a decision. He sees the time clock counting down the last 4 seconds of the game. He takes the sht and makes a basket just as the buzzer sounds. The crowd cheers, with the camera on his ecstatic parents. Jackson gets high fives from his teammates] Melanie and Joseph: Whooo! Joseph: (enthusiastically) No fear that time. [Jackson waves to his parents in the stands. They are clapping. Then Jackson bends over, clutching his stomach. He goes down on his knees and collapses to the floor. His father sees it from the stands] Joseph: Melanie! Melanie: Oh my God! Jackson? [Jackson’s father, teammates, and his coach all cluster around him] [Opening Credits] [Open to Foreman and Thirteen juggling for position in front of a full length mirror while getting ready for work. Thirteen chuckles] Thirteen: (moving in front of Foreman) Black heels or the boots? Foreman: You know I’m a fan of those heels. Thirteen: (looking over her shoulder at Foreman) Boots it is. [She sits down on the bed to put on her boots] Thirteen: For all we know, House knows you’re a fan of those heels. Foreman: (tying his tie in front of the mirror) Like House is going to find out we faked our breakup because of your shoes? (thinking) Go with the boots. [Cut to House and Wilson eating together in the hospital cafeteria] House: You gonna eat that? (meaning Wilson’s breakfast) Wilson: Have at it. [Pan wide to see Cuddy entering the cafeteria] Wilson: Did you just ask my permission before you took my food? House: Yes we can. [Cuddy comes up to them with a file in her hand] Cuddy: Adolescent genetic mosaic collapsed during a basketball game, presenting with persistent pelvic pain. House: (reaching up to take the file) Fun! Cuddy: The parents haven’t told their son that he could have been their daughter. They want assurance that you won’t either. House: Less fun, but still. [House takes the file and heads out the door leaving both Cuddy and Wilson speechless] Cuddy: That was easy. [Cut to House and the team in the conference room. House is standing, the team is sitting around the table] House: (throwing a patient file to each member of the team) Our new patient, part girl, part boy, all Thirteen’s dream date. [Thirteen gives him a disgusted look] Foreman: Severe pelvic pain started during a basketball game, could be dehydration. Kutner: ER gave him fluids when he came in. Foreman: Still, it feels chronic. Taub: We got a kid who could mate with himself and we think he didn’t have enough to drink? There are dozens of intersex disorders, persistent pelvic pain could mean Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia, PMDS? Kutner: Those conditions occur in intersex kids who are chromosomally XX or XY, not XX and XY. Parents recently started him on testosterone, maybe there’s something — Thirteen: Vitamins wouldn’t cause pelvic pain. (There’s a pause and everyone looks at her) There’s a note in here, we’re supposed to refer to his testosterone shts as vitamins. His parents aren’t just liars, they want us to be liars too. House: I won’t do it. (pause) You guys will though. Taub: He’s a kid. Parents don’t think he’s ready to deal with it. Thirteen: My dad was the same way about me maybe having Huntingtons, its — House: Well that was your experience. Must surely apply in this situation. [Thirteen looks hurt] Thirteen: Pain could be caused by a blind uterus hidden in his abdomen. He needs an MRI. Foreman: Right, boy with girl genes; I’m sure you’re the first doctor brilliant enough to check for a uterus. He could have complications from the surgeries on his penis, that can cause pelvic pain. House: Way to multitask, impress your boss and humiliate your ex. MRI’s a waste of time. To continue the humiliation, go put a camera up his penis. [Jackson’s parents come into the room without knocking just as House and the team are heading toward the door] Melanie: Your Dr. House, aren’t you? What do you think is wrong with our son? House: (clearly surprised at their by their unannounced entrance) These people were just coming to tell you. This is better, don’t have to worry about them losing their way. Melanie: We think that he has a blind uterus, he should have an MRI. House: (looking at Thirteen) Did you send them a text? Joseph: Over the past thirteen years, we’ve educated ourselves. House: Well, who needs med school when you’ve got Wi-Fi? (to the team) Go schedule their son for an MRI with contrast right away. Joseph: Thank you. (Joseph and Melanie leave) [The team heads out to do the test and House heads to his office. Kutner stops him for a moment] Kutner: You just said an MRI was a waste of time. House: So’s arguing with them. [Kutner, looking puzzled, follows Taub and Thirteen] [Cut to Jackson sliding into the MRI machine then to Taub and Thirteen in the control room] Thirteen: Contrast in. Taub: (talking into the microphone) Jackson, we’re going to get started so try to lie still. Taub: (to Thirteen) How long do you think the post-breakup awkwardness is going to last? Thirteen: Foreman and I are both professionals. (then, talking about the scan) Stomach and liver are clear. Taub: If by professional you mean he’s a T1000 built by Cyberdine Systems? I never understood what you saw in him. Thirteen: He’s not really your type huh? (talking about the scan) Moving down for the pelvic floor. Taub: Here’s my impression of Foreman on the happiest day of his life. (he turns toward Thirteen with a blank expression on his face) Now the saddest day of his life. (same blank expression) Thirteen: We just broke up. I’m not quite ready to mock him yet. Taub: House was a jerk to split you two up, but, bottom line, he did you a favor. Thirteen: Area around the intestinal tract is clear. No blind uterus. (Thirteen gets out of her chair and goes out the door) [Cut to Wilson sitting at his desk in his office. Kutner opens the door and remains standing in the doorway] Kutner: I think, there’s something wrong with House. Wilson: Who’s he making miserable now? Kutner: Actually, no one. He OK’d an MRI just because the parents wanted to look for a blind uterus. There was no fighting, no arguing, he just went along. Wilson: It’s a valid medical theory. Kutner: He doesn’t think it is. House, decided to humor, these parents. Wilson: Maybe he had a great cup of coffee, or a tremendous bowel movement. Bottom line is your boss is in a good mood, stop analyzing it and just enjoy it. [Kutner gives a slight nod and leaves. Camera on Wilson, who is just as curious about House’s behavior as Kutner] [Cut to Taub and Thirteen in Jackson’s hospital room] Thirteen: We’re going to use this scope to fill your bladder with saline, than examine your urethra for any narrow spots. Jackson: Why would there be a narrow spot? Taub: Sometimes it just happens. [Thirteen gives Taub a look of disdain. It is obvious she doesn’t like lying to Jackson] Jackson: Can my parents come in? Taub: Sure. Thirteen: I thought it would be awkward for you, having them here. Jackson: I have this feeling they’ve seen me naked before. [Melanie and Joseph come into the room] Taub: (about to perform the test) Now take a breath, just try to relax. [Jackson is very nervous. He looks to his Mother for support] Jackson: Mom. (Melanie comes to him beside the bed) Melanie: Its okay honey. Its okay. Hey, remember those sprints they made you run in practice? Those were so hard, but you pulled through. You can do this too. (She kisses him on the forehead) [Jackson is squirming and looking very uncomfortable] Taub: Up to the bladder, start the saline. [Cut to an image of what the scope is seeing] Taub: I’m going to look around and pull back on the scope. (Jackson whimpers) Jackson: (very tense) It feels tight. Thirteen: That pressure’s normal, just try to hold on for a few more minutes. Jackson: (groaning) Its not down there, its my chest (putting his hand on his chest). [A machine starts beeping; Thirteen hurries to get a stethoscope and listens to Jackson’s chest] Jackson: (breathlessly) Can’t breath, can’t, can’t breath. [Taub pulls out the scope] Joseph: Is he okay? Thirteen: Muffled heart sounds. Jugular’s distended. Taub: Pericardial effusion we need ten gauge and a syringe. Melanie: What’s happening? Thirteen: His heart is filling with exudate, if we don’t drain it, it will stop beating. (She jams a syringe into his chest and pulls up on the plunger) [Cut to the conference room. The entire team and House are sitting around the table] Thirteen: We drained the fluid from his pericardial space; his heartrate is back to normal. Taub: Pelvis, plus heart, doesn’t fit with any of the syndromes associated with mosaicism. [The camera has pulled back to reveal House at the head of the table. He is holding his cane in both hands under his chin] Foreman: Could be drugs, toxins, an infection? Kutner: (to House) You’re okay with this? House: (who looks bored) With what? Kutner: That we’re considering a diagnosis unrelated to this kid being a shemale. Assuming a coincidence like that would usually trture you, but you’re completely unfazed. House: Completely unfazed? You think I’m totally lacking in any fazing? The idea that I’m anything less than half-fazed, I actually find offensive. It greatly fazes me. Thirteen: He started testosterone — House: Vitamins Thirteen: (continuing) A few months ago. That can cause autoimmune diseases like Polyarteritis and SLE, which can cause pericardial effusion and pelvic pain. So it is related. House: Now I’m unfazed. Start him on corticosteroids for the autoimmune and Finasteride to block the vitamins. [Cut to Wilson entering Cuddy’s office] Wilson: You slept with House. [Cuddy (standing behind her desk) puts down the file she was looking at] Wilson: He asked permission before taking my bagel, took the case without a fight, honored the parents’ request for an MRI. Cuddy: Yes, those were my terms for sleeping with him. Wilson: He’s in a good mood. Cuddy: Sex with me would explain that, but it doesn’t explain why I’m not curled up in a ball weeping in shame. (She sits down) I did not have sex with House. Wilson: If you two aren’t keeping something from me that means he’s keeping something from both of us. That can’t be good. Cuddy: Or he’s just in a good mood, this is not a crisis. Maybe you can get back some of that money he owes you? Wilson: (considering what Cuddy just said) Hmm. [Wilson leaves the office. Cuddy looks concerned] [Cut to Thirteen talking with Melanie and Joseph in a waiting area] Melanie: Testosterone blocker? Does that mean if Jackson has SLE or whatever that other thing was that he’d have to go off the hormones? Thirteen: Probably. Melanie: Then Jackson will stop developing, he’ll never go through puberty. Joseph: Maybe this isn’t what’s wrong with him. Maybe the testosterone didn’t cause it. Melanie: Yeh, but if it is, then he’ll never be a man. Did we make the wrong choice? Joseph: You’ll need to tell him the testosterone blocker is something else. Thirteen: Or maybe this is a good opportunity to tell him the truth. It might make it simpler, for all of you. Melanie: You want us to tell a sick adolescent boy that he’s really not an adolescent boy. That doesn’t seem simpler to me. No, just, (signing the consent form) give him the meds. [Cut to an exam room in the clinic. House’s patient is a twenty something male] House: So, you have pain in one arm and both your legs. Does it hurt right now? Ian: No, its, when, I like put pressure on them. See, it hurts when I do this, (with his right forefinger, he pokes himself on his upper left arm) Ow, and this, (pokes himself on his left thigh) Ow, and this, (pokes himself on his right knee) Ow. House: (taking the patient’s right forefinger and squeezing it) How about this? Ian: Owwwwwwwwwwwwww! [House sits back with a look of incredulity on his face] [Cut to Cuddy talking to a nurse at the Clinic desk] Cuddy: Did you give House the moron with the broken finger? Nurse Helen: They’ve been in room two about ten minutes. Cuddy: The patient should have been screaming for another doctor seven minutes ago. [Cuddy and Helen look to see House and Ian coming out of the exam room] Ian: (holding up his bandaged right forefinger) Thanks brah. [House nods, puts the file in the rack and then walks away, twirling his cane] [Cuddy realizes something weird is going on] [Cut to Jackson’s hospital room. Thirteen is preparing to give him an injection] Jackson: If I have this IV, why do I need a sht too? Thirteen: Just some extra medicine, just to be safe. I hear you’re quite the basketball player, what position? Jackson: Point guard. Thirteen: Small forward. How’s your crossover dribble? Jackson: It’s okay, I’m not really that into basketball. Thirteen: You’re going to feel a little pinch, okay. So, if you’re not that into it, why’d you join the team? Jackson: My Mom kinda made me do it. Thirteen: My parents were the same way, always pushing me to try new things. Jackson: It was more like what she didn’t want me to try. (pause) I wanted to take dance, but she flipped out and made me choose between basketball and hockey. Thirteen: What does you’re Dad say? Jackson: He seemed okay with it, than he just caved into my Mom. Thirteen: (looking at Jackson’s hand) Your palm is red. Jackson: What’s that mean? Thirteen: That we still don’t know what’s wrong with you. [Cut to Cuddy poking her head into Wilson’s office] Cuddy: You were right; he is in a good mood. [Cut to the conference room. We can see House asleep in the Eames chair in his office. Foreman is sitting at the table when Kutner comes in sipping a drink from a straw and carrying a styrofoam food container] Kutner: (to Foreman) Bummer it didn’t work out with you and Thirteen. Foreman: It happens. Kutner: You guys seemed happy together. It’s probably for the best, you know, the bisexual thing and all. Foreman: It was never an issue. Kutner: No, it never is, until it is. This is Thirteen. Before you guys got together she was hooking up with a different girl every night. Long term you really think you could compete with that? [Kutner looks to House’s office where Cuddy and Wilson have just entered, cut to the office where House is still asleep in the chair] Cuddy: House, we have to talk. Wilson: Stop pretending to be asleep, we’re not leaving. House. (Wilson kicks the ottoman. House’s head lolls to the side, he does not wake up) Kutner: (still in the conference room, but watching through the glass) What’s going on? Wilson: House, (he’s worried now. He leans down to feel for a pulse) House. [Kutner runs into the office and Foreman is up and running also] Wilson: He’s not breathing. Cuddy: Can you get a pulse? Wilson: Barely. Cuddy: (to Kutner) Call a code. Wilson: Get an ambu bag from the nurses station. [Kutner runs to the phone] Foreman: Heart’s still working that means synapsis is still fring, we just need to get a message through. [Foreman rips House’s shirt open and twists his left nipple. House comes instantly to consciousness with a cry of agony and a huge intake of air] House: Aaahh! Wilson: You stopped breathing. Cuddy: What the hell is going on? (Close-up of House who looks guilty) [Cut to close-up of House using an oxygen mask. Cuddy is using a light to check his pupils. The whole team is now in the office] House: I think my penis stopped breathing; do you know CPR? Cuddy: Looks like your brain is Okay. Pupils are equal, round, and reactive. House: I’m fine, other than the fact that my nurple is now purple. (to Thirteen) No wonder you broke up with him. I’m surprised yours are still attached. [Thirteen gives him a look and glances at Foreman] House: (to Thirteen) By the way, I can see that from here. I assume those are our patient’s lab results. Thirteen: Patient can wait; you could have died. Wilson: The only reason you’d ignore a near death experience is you don’t care or you already know why it happened. House: Its called Vicodin, I took too many. [Cuddy now has a stethoscope out and is checking House’s heart] House: (loudly) Can I please get some information about our patient? [Cuddy flinches at the volume and takes the stethoscope earpieces out of her ears] Thirteen: Patient’s palms are red; lab tests confirm liver and kidney dysfunction. Kutner: I don’t remember you taking any Vicodin today. House: I don’t remember hiring my Mother. What causes the enzymes in little Boy George’s existing heart problem and pelvic pain? Wilson: You didn’t take any yesterday at breakfast either. House: I don’t remember having breakfast with my Mother. Foreman: Amyloidosis with systemic involvement. Thirteen: Protein levels are normal. This kid’s depressed, if he’s self-medicating with drugs and alcohol that would explain his symptoms. House: Search the school; search the home. Kutner: Seriously, or are you just deflecting? House: Both. (He gets up from the chair) Cuddy: Where are you going? House: (grabbing his jacket) Nowhere, I’m staying right here, so we can properly discuss this. (He walks out the door) Wilson: (realizing something) He’s on Heroin. Cuddy: How can you? — Wilson: Number one, he’s happy, which means he’s high. Number two, when he moved his bad leg he didn’t use his hands to support it. Whatever he’s taking, it’s stronger than Vicodin. Cuddy: What are we gonna do? [Cut to Thirteen and Foreman searching Jackson’s bedroom] Thirteen: You really think House took too many Vicodin? Foreman: The guy pops’em like candy, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before. You miss sleeping with women? Thirteen: Excuse me? Foreman: Simple question. Thirteen: Yes. It’s a simple answer. Foreman: I’ll check under the bed. Thirteen: I also miss sleeping with other men and I’m sure you miss sleeping with other women. Monogamy is like saying your never going to have any other ice cream flavor besides rocky road. Foreman: So, your saying, if you don’t have pink bubble gum for a while that one day you’re going to chase down the ice cream truck? Thirteen: No. Rocky Road is great. It’s a very delicious and complicated flavor. I also know that if I have other flavors, then rocky road is going to be left in the freezer where anyone can just, dip in. Can we please drop the metaphor? (She finds a piece of paper in a desk drawer). Why is this coming up now? Foreman: Kutner said the silver lining of our breakup was, I wouldn’t be dumped for a girl. (talking about their search) There’s nothing in here either, seems like we’re wrong about this kid having drug or alcohol — Thirteen: When did he bring that up? Foreman: Earlier today, right before — Thirteen: This morning Taub called you a robot. Foreman: Huh! Either it’s a big coincidence or, their jerking us around. They know. Thirteen: And if they know, House knows. This is bad. Foreman: No, this is good. House only has two ways to handle us going out, he jerks us around or he fires us. He chose option A; this is good. [Thirteen unfolds the paper she found and reads it] Thirteen: But this is bad. [Cut to House’s office. Foreman and Thirteen are back from the search. House is pretending to be asleep in his office chair. Kutner is sitting in the Eames chair holding an ambu bag] Thirteen: (reading from the paper she found in Jackson’s desk) “I stand alone my soul and me, beneath the mask that others” (pause as she looks at House) “see.” (She looks back at Kutner questioningly) Kutner: His chest is still rising. He’s just screwing with me cause Cuddy made me babysit. Thirteen: (continuing) “A pain that tears and bites and will not bend, only when I sleep, will it end.” House: Downer, and medically ire… (his voice fades out as if he’s falling back asleep) Thirteen: (to Kutner) You sure his chest is moving? Kutner: House? (He gets out of the chair and moves toward House) Foreman: If he’s faking you think he’s going to come clean because you said his name? House: (to Kutner with his eyes still closed) Back off. Only Thirteen gets to grab my nipples this time. Thirteen: You know, recreating the moment when you made us crap our pants isn’t actually all that funny. [House opens his right eye a crack] Foreman: (quietly to Thirteen) That is sweet that you’re worried about House. [House finally lifts his head up] House: Unless the next stanza reads, “Hoping to fry my brain to death, I smoked some primo crystal meth,” I’m not interested. Thirteen: You can’t deny that this kid may be suicidal. House: We’re not here to make him happy; we’re here to diagnose him. [Taub comes into the office] Taub: It’s an infection. Swab of the kid’s water bottle turned up Toxoplasmosis. Thirteen: I’ll start him on Pyrimethamine. (She leaves) [Foreman continues to stare at House with his arms crossed. House stares back] [Cut to Thirteen showing Jackson’s parents the poem she found in his desk. They are standing outside Jackson’s hospital room] Melanie: (worried) I had no idea he felt this way. Joseph: Is there a therapist here that you can recommend? Thirteen: It might help more if you talk to him. Melanie: (shaking her head) He’s not ready. Joseph: If telling him the truth would help him stop feeling like this. Melanie: If I knew that it would make him less confused I’d tell him right now, but if she’s wrong we’d only make things worse. Thirteen: He obviously senses he’s different. He’s looking for answers. Melanie: Every teenager feels different. He’s sick; this isn’t the time to spring this on him. (She looks at her husband) Joseph: Okay. Melanie: When you give Jackson the antibiotics, will you please restart the testosterone? Thirteen: Sure. [Cut to the doctor’s locker room. Kutner and Taub are getting ready to go home when Foreman walks in] Foreman: I get House wanting to jerk me and Thirteen around, but you guys? Kutner: Told you they were still together. (He turns toward Taub with his hand out) Foreman: How’d he know? [Taub hands Kutner some money] Taub: Noticed you smell like Thirteen’s soap every morning. Foreman: (to Kutner) You figured it out? Kutner: Yes, I’m a little slow; maybe someone should let me know when I should be insuIted. Foreman: Than House doesn’t know. Kutner: He probably does now that you felt her up during that last differential. Foreman: You noticed this, but House didn’t? Kutner: Yes, I get it; He’s generally smarter than me. Can we please move on? Foreman: He’s not generally smarter than you; he’s always smarter than you. Unless? [A phone rings, and we cut to Wilson sitting at a table in a restaurant. He answers the phone] Wilson: Hello. [Cut to Foreman calling from House’s office] Foreman: House is on Heroin. [House is sitting at the table across from Wilson eating a burger] Wilson: (haltingly) Well, that’s certainly, an interesting notion. Foreman: It’s why his lungs stopped, its why he OK’d the MRI, its why he missed things he wouldn’t ordinarily miss. Wilson: Uh, we’ll runs some tests, and I’ll let you know. [A waitress puts two drinks on the table] Foreman: He’s there isn’t he? Wilson: Well that would certainly explain the inappropriate responses. I gotta go. Okay. (to House while putting his phone back in his pocket) sorry, consult. House: (about the drinks) When did you order these? Wilson: When you were in the bathroom. I thought a celebration was in order. To cheating death. [They toast, but House puts his drink down on the table without drinking] Wilson: You off bourbon? We can get you something else. House: I came here expecting a burger. Figured I’d have to endure a little lecture on moderation. Wilson: You never listen. So why — House: Instead, I get a drink; a nice little serving of respiratory depressant on the day that my lungs stop working. Wilson: You seem fine now. House: You don’t believe that I OD’d on Vicodin. You figure I’m on something stronger, and because you can never, ever assume anything but the most screwed up scenario as far as I’m concerned — Wilson: Funny how I’m usually right. House: You think that I’m on Heroin. This is your version of a tox screen. Because if I am on Heroin; I can’t drink that without risking another bout of not breathing. Wilson: Well? (Wanting House to prove he’s not on Heroin) [House drinks the bourbon, and Wilson looks confused and frustrated] House: Goodnight. (He gets up from the table and leaves) [Cut to Jackson’s hospital room. Thirteen is preparing to give him an injection] Jackson: Another sht? Thirteen: I'm afraid so. Jackson: That looks like the vitamins my parents give me, same red top. Thirteen: These aren't vitamins. Jackson: What is it? Thirteen: I can't tell you that. You should ask your parents. [Cut to the ally behind the restaurant where Wilson and House were eating. House is vomiting behind a car] Wilson: You idiot! House: Okay, I admit it. I have bulimia. I look good though, don't I? Wilson: Heroin. Heroin! House, of all the stupid — House: I'm not on heroin. Wilson: (angry) I just caught you with your fingers down your throat. House: I'm on methadone. Stupid product. Heroin without the high. Wilson: Yeah, and twice the risk of death. House: But no risk of arrest. Wilson: You nearly died. House: Today was a fluke. I nodded off. Wilson: Right, you're safe as long as you never sleep again. Mistime your dose, you die. Couple of drinks, you die. Mix it with the wrong drugs, you die. You want to detox from Vicodin? Pick something that won't kll you. House: I'm not detoxing. Wilson: If you're looking for something to help with your pain — House: Doesn't help my pain, it eliminates it. (House tosses his cane into a nearby dumpster and turns to walk away. He pauses) My leg doesn't hurt anymore. (He walks out toward the street leaving Wilson bewildered) [Cut to Melanie and Joseph talking to Cuddy in her office] Melanie: She completely disregarded our instructions. Thirteen: He asked a question. I was tired of lying. I didn't tell him anything about his genetic condition. Melanie: I want her removed from our son's case. Cuddy: I'm sorry for the position Dr. Hadley put you in, but I can't do that. She's a valuable part of Dr. House's diagnostic team. If he stays on the case, so does she. Joseph: We have to deal with Jackson. These questions aren't gonna go away. Melanie: He's not ready for this. Joseph: Let's hope you're wrong. [Joseph leaves the office and Melanie reluctantly follows] Thirteen: (to Cuddy) I'm sorry. I'll stay away from their son. Cuddy: No — you won't. In about 15 minutes, you're the only person that kid's gonna trust. If he needs a hand to hold, make sure yours is available. (Thirteen nods and leaves the offices. Cuddy looks frustrated) [Cut to Jackson’s hospital room. His father is sitting on the bed explaining his genetics to him] Jackson: So what? Am I a boy or a girl? Joseph: Some of your cells are male… and some are female. Jackson: So basically I'm a freak. Joseph: No, no, buddy. You're just a little different. Jackson: You've known this...since I was born, and you never told me. Joseph: We didn't want you to be confused. Jackson: So you lied to me. Melanie: Oh, please, sweetie, we were just trying to protect you. Jackson: Don't. Just leave me alone. Get out. Melanie: (to Joseph) Let's go. [They leave. Jackson is crying. As his father looks back at him, he turns his head away, ignoring him] [Cut to a hospital bathroom. House is sitting on the toilet in one of the stalls reading a journal. Cuddy is outside the stall door] Cuddy: You still breathing in there? 'Cause if not, I'm sending in janitorial. House: I'm not breathing, but it's strictly voluntary. Should've seen the guy who was in here before me. Cuddy: I know about the methadone. House: (sighing) It's legal. I have a prescription. Cuddy: Whatever doctor you conned into writing it clearly had no idea about your addiction issues — Your lack of — House: He knows I'm in pain. What I put in my body is my business. Cuddy: You keep taking this, you could die. House: If you'd said that if I keep doing this you could die, then it'd be your business. Cuddy: I can't sit by and watch you kll yourself. As long as you're in my hospital, you can't do methadone. [House gets up, opens the door, and throws the journal in the trashcan] House: I'll send someone for my stuff. (He starts to walk out) Cuddy: That's it, you're quitting? You're choosing methadone over this job? House: I'm choosing lack of pain over this job. (He walks out) [Cut to Jackson’s hospital room. Thirteen is with him] Thirteen: Eventually you have to talk to your parents again. Jackson: No, I don't. (Thirteen pulls up a chair and sits down beside the bed) I have this one friend — on my basketball team, Will. We hang out a lot. I really like him. Now I'm worried that I...you know, “like” him. (pause) Maybe I'm supposed to. Because if I'm really a girl. Thirteen: Do you feel like a girl? Jackson: I like dancing more than basketball. Is that what that means? Thirteen: Jackson. As hard — as it is right now, at least it's out in the open. You don't have to hide behind a mask. I found the poem you wrote in your room. (She hands him the poem) No matter how bad things get, klling yourself, is never the answer. Jackson: (unfolding the paper) This was an English assignment. We were supposed to write a poem in the style of Sylvia Plath. Thirteen: You don't feel this way? Jackson: I'm sad sometimes; I don't wanna die. At least, I didn't. (Thirteen looks out of the room at Jackson’s parents, wondering if she made a mistake) Are these antibiotics supposed to make you nauseous? Thirteen: Yeah, they can. [Jackson leans over the side of the bed and vomits blood] [Cut to House standing in front of his bathroom mirror. His pager, which is lying on the sink, beeps three times. He turns if off and tosses it into the wastebasket, then pulls shaving cream and a disposable razor out of a brown paper bag. With the camera sht on the mirror, he wets his face, lathers up with shaving cream, washes the shaving cream off of his hands, and prepares to shave], [Cut to the team coming out of the clinic. Foreman has just talked to Cuddy. They walk toward the elevator] Foreman: We're on our own. Taub: Is he okay? Foreman: He's fine. He's just not here. Kutner: Did he quit? Did she suspend him? Foreman: She didn't say. She just told me I was in charge until further notice. So if we add bloody vomit to our patient's list of symptoms. Thirteen: Surgeon reports the bleeding was caused by a gastric fistula caused by Necrotizing Pancreatitis. Kutner: She must've told you something. Foreman: Nothing that would help us with this patient. Taub: Heart, liver, kidneys, and pancreas. Obviously whatever this kid's got is something systemic. Thirteen: Zollinger-Ellison? Taub: Or Systemic Scleroderma. Thirteen: Zollinger-Ellison fits better. Foreman: Why? Kutner: Can we at least call House? Foreman: We can. I have. He's not answering. Put the patient on proton pump inhibitors. If he gets better, it's Zollinger-Ellison; If not, it's scleroderma. [Taub and Kutner get on the elevator. Foreman holds Thirteen back] Foreman: Zollinger-Ellison doesn't fit better. You don't want it to be scleroderma because that means he's gonna die. Thirteen: Patients die all the time. Foreman: Not the ones whose family you've ruined. I don't think that, you do. It's not your fault. Thirteen: He was no more confused than any other teenager. Then I started a fre and threw gas on it. Foreman: You were trying to help. (He hugs her) [Cut to Wilson knocking on House’s apartment door. A woman answers] Wilson: Hi, is House here? Woman: (getting ready to leave) He's getting dressed. (She calls to House) I'll be back around 10:00 tonight. (to Wilson as she heads out the door) Go on in. Wilson: Okay. (Wilson sidles by her like he’s afraid to touch her. He closes the door) Wilson: (to House) Who was she? House: I hired her to watch me sleep — make sure I don't stop breathing. Wilson: Home nurses usually wear scrubs. House: She's not a nurse. Wilson: You hired a hooker to watch you sleep? That just can't (He stops as House walks into the living room. He looks astonished) House: Surprisingly, hookers are cheaper. And they don't sue for sexual harassment. (holding up two ties) Which one? Wilson: You, shaved. House: The red one then. Wilson: You have two ties? House: (walking across the room to a small mirror on the wall) Meeting at St. Sebastian's today. Gonna try and talk 'em into starting up a diagnostics department. Wilson: Sounds great. I just came by to check up on you. See how you were doing. House: (Tying his tie in front of the mirror) I'm fine. Wilson: I guess you are. [House finishes tying the tie, snugs it up, and straightens his jacket] [Cut to Taub talking to Melanie and Joseph outside Jackson’s hospital room] Joseph: He hasn't responded to the medication at all? Taub: I'm afraid not. (Thirteen is standing at a nearby counter) Melanie: So, that means he's got the other thing? Taub: I'm so sorry. We'll start him on anti-inflammatories. If we're lucky, that will slow down the progression. [Melanie sees Thirteen and marches up to her, angry] Melanie: My son has a death sentence and I can't go in there and be with him because of you. Thirteen: I'm sorry. Melanie: You find a homework assignment and decide he's suicidal; make it your own personal mission. Thirteen: I let my feelings — Melanie: Oh, don't you dare apologize. Like it could absolve you of what you've done to me, my family. He was fine. (Cuddy intervenes) Cuddy: I understand why you're angry. But this isn't where you belong right now. Melanie: He won't let us in the room. Cuddy: He's a teenager, you're his mother. This is not the time to start listening to him. Go be with him. (Melanie walks back toward Jackson’s room. Thirteen: (to Cuddy) Thank you. Cuddy: I didn't do it for you. [Cut to Cuddy’s office, Wilson is there waiting, when Cuddy enters] Wilson: We made a mistake. Cuddy: No, we didn't. Wilson: The methadone's good for him. Cuddy: The methadone is gonna kll him. Wilson: He shaved. He was wearing a tie. He has a meeting at St. Sebastian. Cuddy: If he buys a new pair of shoes, should we let him smoke crack? Wilson: Cuddy, he's happy. Cuddy: House doesn't do happy, pain or no pain. Wilson: Okay, maybe, but, he's our friend. And this is his one chance to not be miserable. [Quick cut to Jackson’s hospital room. His parents are sitting by his bed. His mother puts her hand tentatively on top of her son’s] [Cut to Thirteen’s apartment. Foreman and Thirteen are again getting ready for work in front of the full length mirror] Foreman: The heels. Very nice. Thirteen: No reason not to wear them now that House is gone. Foreman: You okay? Thirteen: Yeah. Just tired. Foreman: Got some good news. Patient's scleroderma is responding to the anti-inflammatory meds. His AST level's dropped a bit. Thirteen: So he's dying slightly less quickly than we thought. That's great news. (pause) I'm not okay. Foreman: Next time just say that. Thirteen: What's his AST? Foreman: Uh... 185, I think. Thirteen: That's a pretty fast drop. Are we sure it's from the anti-inflammatories? Foreman: What else could it be from? He's been off the antibiotics for a while. Proton pump inhibitor's wouldn’t — Thirteen: He's back on testosterone. Foreman: Testosterone wouldn't help his liver function. Thirteen: But it could improve his kidney function, which would also lower his AST. Foreman: But not in kidneys damaged by scleroderma. Thirteen: Which means it's not scleroderma. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. House walks in. He is still clean shaven] House: I have an interview, in two hours. Cuddy: Wow. House: Hand over my letter of recommendation. Cuddy: Sorry, I haven't done it yet. House: You have no right to sabotage — Cuddy: I was busy with this. (She hands him a sheet of paper) It's a list of requirements for your methadone treatment. Weekly drug tests. Supervised doses administered on a precise schedule, by me, or, one of the nurses. House: Seems weird, getting my meds here when I'm working somewhere else. Cuddy: Yes. (pause) I'm offering you your job back. (She sits down) House: I want a raise. Cuddy: No. House: And a bigger office... but in the same spot. Cuddy: No. We both know this is where you belong. House: Okay. Cuddy: Welcome back. (House starts for the door, then pauses and turns around) House: (sincerely) Thank you. Cuddy: You're welcome. (He leaves) [Cut to the conference room. Taub is sitting at the table and Kutner is getting himself a cup of coffee. House walks in, Kutner sits down] Kutner: You okay? House: I have issues with authority. You? Taub: We thought you were gone. House: Cuddy missed me. Taub: And what happened to your cane? House: She asked to borrow it for some reason. Patient dad or do I need to do anything? (House takes off his tie and loosens his shirt collar) Taub: He's got scleroderma. (Foreman and Thirteen come in) Thirteen: It's not scleroderma. House: Wow. Two days, and you've already got two separate theories. (House sits down) Foreman: You're back. Good. We noticed a drop in AST levels. It's not from the anti-inflammatory meds. Thirteen: It's because his kidneys got better from the testosterone. Foreman: Which rules out scleroderma. House: When did you two come up with this? Thirteen: We ran into each other in the lobby. (She sits down) House: So, what did we miss? When I say "we" I mean "you," since I wasn't here. Thirteen: We've ruled out Zollinger-Ellison. House: That was a dumb idea. Thirteen: Why? House: Because it was wrong. Taub: Also toxoplasmosis, dehydration, SLE, various intersex disorders. House: Oh, crap. (pause) This kid like energy drinks? Kutner: I saw some empty bottles in the team locker room. Taub: But energy drinks don't explain — House: Nice work. (He gets up and heads for the door) Foreman: So, we're okay? House: Why wouldn't we be? (to Thirteen about her shoes) Nice heels. (House leaves) [Cut to Jackson’s hospital room. Both of his parents are there. House walks in] House: This is all your parents' fault. Melanie: Excuse me? House: (to Jackson) Chug a lot of energy drinks before, during, and after practice? (Jackson nods) House: Your son came in here with simple dehydration. That's why he collapsed during the game. Melanie: The ER treated him for that. It didn't help the pain. House: That's where the energy drinks came in. They put a strain on his kidneys so he needed more time to rebound from the initial dehydration. Joseph: Then why isn't he better? House: That's where your idiocy came in. Before we could give him another glass of water, you two insisted I do an MRI. So, I go down a blind alley looking for a blind uterus. And my team injects him with contrast material. If his kidneys had been healthy, they would've filtered out the contrast in a couple hours. Since they weren't, it went around and around, eventually getting absorbed by his heart, his liver, and his pancreas; getting in trouble everywhere it went. Your son was fine when he got here. It was your freaked-out overprotectiveness that nearly k*lled him. Melanie: Nearly? House: He's young. A few weeks of dialysis, he should be fine. [Melanie gives a sigh of relief an puts her head on her husband’s shoulder] House: You gave birth to a freak of nature. (He turns and opens the door) Doesn't mean it's a good idea to treat him like one. (House leaves the room) [Cut to aerial view of PPTH at night, then to Jackson’s hospital room where Thirteen is sitting on the bed talking to Jackson] Thirteen: How you feeling? Jackson: A little bit better. Thirteen: I saw you talking to your parents earlier. That's good. Jackson: My mom asked if I wanted to take dance lessons. Thirteen: That's great! Jackson: I'm actually worried I might miss basketball. Starting to get good. Thirteen: No reason you can't do both. (Jackson nods and Thirteen smiles at him) [Cut to House’s office. He is sitting behind his desk manipulating some dice in his right hand and obviously thinking. Cuddy walks in carrying a medicine cup] Cuddy: Starting tomorrow, you'll come to my office for your fix. House: I'm done with the methadone. I screwed up. Cuddy: The kid’s parents wanted that MRI. House: I knew he didn't need it. I did it anyway. That's what got him sick. Cuddy: You just solved a case that no one else could solve. House: I created a case. I played nice because, I was in a good mood because, I didn't hurt. (He gets up) Cuddy: You don't need your pain to be a good doctor. House: (firmly) I'm not interested in good. Cuddy: You're afraid to be happy. House: Why do you care if I'm happy? [long pause] Cuddy: You're afraid of change. The one thing you have is your intellect. You think if that's compromised, you have nothing. (She holds up the dose of methadone) Just take it. House: No. Cuddy: Don't do this. House: It's already done. (He throws the methadone in the wastebasket and grabs a hospital cane which is propped against the wall) This is the only me you get. [House limps out of the office, turning out the light on his way out, leaving Cuddy standing in the dark] The End	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x16 - The Softer Side"}	foreverdreaming
[Scene opens with a sht of an author photograph on the back of a book jacket, then moves to a table in a restaurant. The author and his publishers/editors are celebrating the publication of his newest book] Tim: (the author of the book) Am I gonna have to give a speech? You're the publisher. Can't you do it? Elaine: I can warm them up. But you are gonna have to get over this fear of public speaking before the book tour. Everybody. Can I have your attention? Thank you. Tim has a few words to say. There you go, Tim. They're warmed up. (The audience twitters) Tim: Well, what do you say at a time like this? Seriously, what do you say? Nick: (Tim’s editor) You could thank people for coming. Tim: Thank you, Nick. Actually, I’m always thanking Nick, a man famous not only for his ruthless editor's pen, but his patient hand-holding of crazy authors. You'd think that after three novels, I'd start to develop a little confidence, but… Elaine: For a book like this, we are happy to supply the confidence. Best-seller. (She holds up her glass for a toast, as does everyone else) Nick: Well that's not gonna happen. Tim: What? Nick: Come on. Short stories don't make money. Short stories weren't making money back in 1908. You'd have to be mathematically illiterate to think they'd do as well as a novel. Elaine: Okay, Nick, let's step away from the champagne before somebody gets hurt. Tim: You slaved over this book right next to me. Why would Northrop even publish it if it's only going to tnk? Nick: Have you failed to notice you're our star author? Obviously, Elaine wouldn't want to offend you. Audrey: (Nick’s wife) Uh, honey. Nick: I -- I'm sorry. I don't — I don't know why I said that. Elaine: He's joking. Nick knows as well as anyone what you have done is art. Nick: So is folding paper into animal shapes, but you don't expect to make a living off it. Elaine: What the hell is wrong with you? Nick: (talking about Elaine) You really think someone who goes through ten assistants a year and doesn't return her own children's phone calls would give a damn about the state of the American short story? Audrey: Please, be quiet. [Nick wipes his nose and comes up with blood on his hand] Nick: (looking at the blood on his hand) I think something's wrong. That title was a mistake too. People are gonna compare you to Salinger, and (laughs), boy, are you gonna come up short on that one. [Nick looks dazed. He pivots and falls out of his chair onto the floor] Audrey: Honey! Tim: Call 911. Help! We need help! [Opening Credits] [Scene opens on the Department of Diagnostics conference room. House walks in heading toward his office. The rest of the team is already there] Foreman: (holding out a file) Cameron brought this up from the ER. House: Doesn't look like a friendship bracelet. [He pauses, tosses his backpack into his office and turns back to the team] Kutner: It's Phineas Gage, the most famous case study in medical history. House: You're telling me this patient got a railroad spike drilled through his frontal lobe? (He takes the patient file) Foreman: No. No trauma, but he does have frontal lobe disinhibition. Just like Gage. Thirteen: Gage was a different person after the spike. Argumentative. Impulsive. House: Whereas our guy became a different person after Chardonnay. Taub: He was sober when they brought him in. There's also the nosebleed, the collapse. House: (to Foreman) MRI show anything? Foreman: (smiling) Nothing. House: Good. What fun would that be? So the tumor's not in the cool neighborhood. It's cool neighborhood adjacent. Thirteen: A well-placed tumor in the nasal cavity eroding into the brain could do the damage. House: (handing the file to Foreman) Go stick a scope up Phineas's nose. See what you find. (The team leaves) [Cut to Nick’s hospital room. He is playing cards with his daughter on his bed. His wife is on her cell phone] Marika: Daddy, I'm always gonna win if you keep telling me what your cards are. Nick: Well, then suppose I tell you… while I tickle you. (He tickles her and she giggles) Taub: Mr. Greenwald, I'm Dr. Taub. This is Dr. Kutner. Kutner: We're here for another test. Sorry about that. Nick: You don't look sorry. Um, no offense. Although you do look kind of cheerful. It's a little creepy. Should I want a doctor who's excited about how sick I am? Kutner: I'm not — Taub: We're going to put this up your nose, scan for any problems. I can assure you that we are completely unexcited about that. (to Marika) Excuse me, sweetie. Audrey: (into her phone) Hold on. (to Taub) She has an auditory processing disability. Nick: Marika-beleeka, you have to get off the bed. Taub: (preparing to do the test) This might be slightly uncomfortable. Audrey: Honey, do you mind if I step out? I have to make sure the final arrangements are in place for the breast cancer walk. Nick: Yeah, you do that. I'll pretend to be macho while a guy stuffs three feet of plastic up my nose. (to Taub) It's too bad it's not your nose. Lots more room to maneuver. Audrey: I guess the walk can wait ten minutes. Nick: Or in a sensible world, even longer. Just how does tying up traffic for six hours stop breast cancer? Audrey: You know how it works. People donate — Nick: Why not spend six hours building houses for habitat for humanity? Or is it wrong to help two groups of people at once? I bet there are those who have breast cancer and no home. Audrey: It's my job, Nick. You walked yourself last year. Nick: To be supportive. And because I knew you wouldn't have sex with me if I didn’t. Audrey: I'm gonna make my call. Nick: Make this go away. (to Taub, as he prepares to put the tube up Nick’s nose) God, that honker really is huge, isn't it? [Cut to Wilson and House walking down a hospital corridor] House: Wednesday night. Low-down-blue-meanie versus the Incinerator. Wilson: I can’t. House: Let me rephrase. Low-down-blue-meanie — Wilson: I understand monster truck code. Do you understand "can't"? House: Not when it follows "low-down-blue-meanie." Is the world coming to an end Tuesday night? Otherwise, Wednesday—(they stop) Wilson: All right, it's not "can’t." It's "don't want to." The fact is, I just don't like monster trucks. House: Yes, you do. Wilson: No, I don't. House: You've always liked monster trucks. Wilson: No, you've always liked them. I've tolerated them. Seriously, I can only watch so many hyped-up dune buggies crush so many motor homes without feeling the urge to go see La Boheme. And I hate opera too. House: What are you hiding? Wilson: I'm not hiding it. I'm saying it loud and proud. Death to monster trucks. (Kutner approaches) Kutner: No nasal cancer. And no marriage either if our patient keeps saying everything that comes into his head without regard for the consequences. Wilson: You always led me to believe you were one of a kind. Kutner: Luckily jerkiness is a temporary condition for this guy. House: No, it's not. We may be able to fix his impulse to say his thoughts out loud, but he always gonna be the guy who thinks them. Wilson: But he's also gonna be the guy who doesn't say them. If he spent his whole life constructing this nice guy persona, isn't that as much who he really is as anything else? House: You would argue that. You're all persona. Kutner: I agree with Wilson. This guy's a Harry Potter. (House and Wilson look at him questioningly) The sorting hat was going to put Harry in Slytherin based on his nature. He refused, so he ended up in Gryffindor, through choice. House: There's damage somewhere in his brain. Go find it. (Kutner leaves) [Cut to Foreman and Thirteen with Nick in Radiology] Thirteen: Are you sure you understand? Nick: No, I'm lying. Except I can’t. (Nick gets out of the wheelchair and hops up onto the MRI table) You ask questions. While I talk, you look at my brain activity to see where it's screwed up. Then you're gonna cut the screwed up part out to test it. It's depressing, but it's not rocket science. Foreman: I think he understands. Nick: (to Thirteen) I don't mean to be abrasive. Especially since you're such a pleasure to image naked. Again, sorry. Thirteen: It's okay. Nick: Thank you for understanding. I do, you know. Really, my apologies. This stuff just comes out. Thirteen: It's okay. [Cuddy walks in] Cuddy: House paged. Nick: Whoa, I would do her in a minute with fudge and a cherry on top. Would someone please explain to this woman? There's only so many apologies — Thirteen: He has frontal lobe disinhibition. Nick: (to Cuddy) I've already embarrasssed myself with one doctor, whom I am at this moment imagining, with you in a king-sized bed, with a mirror on the ceiling. I am so, so sorry. But if I couldn't have both of you together, you would definitely be my first choice. Cuddy: Where's House? Nick: It's like trying not to think of an elephant. Not that you're an elephant. Your breasts, in fact, are all hm sapiens — Foreman: (laying Nick down on the MRI table) House isn't here. Cuddy: Oh, he wouldn't have paged me if he couldn't watch and enjoy the— [Cuddy peers into the control room. The light in the control room goes on and we can see House sitting there] [Cuddy turns to leave, but pauses at the door as Nick speaks again] Nick: Your tush is like the pistons in a Ferrari. [Cuddy leaves] [House gets up and follows Cuddy out the door. Thirteen smiles at him as he leaves] [Cut to the hallway outside of radiology. House is following Cuddy down the hall] House: You're welcome. Cuddy: That was for my benefit? House: You're 40 years old… Cuddy: 38. House: The administrator of a hospital… Cuddy: Dean of medicine. House: People don't get personal with you. Except for me, and you dismiss me as a jerk who's jerking you around. (They stop at the elevator) But that guy can only tell the truth. And he prefers your body to that of a smoking young hottie. Cuddy: So that was your way of saying I look good today. House: You didn't get the slightest kick out of that? [The elevator door opens and Cuddy steps into it] Cuddy: (trying very hard not to smile) Don't be ridiculous, House. (She smiles as House turns away and the elevator doors close) [Back to radiology. Thirteen and Foreman are in the control room. Nick is in the MRI machine] Foreman: I hope you know your pistons are second to none. Thirteen: I'm okay. I'm not jealous of Cuddy’s pistons. (talking about the test) Starting baseline activation. Foreman: You sure? You looked upset. Thirteen: What he was saying was obnoxious. Foreman: You've never been called attractive? Thirteen: He didn't call me attractive. He cast me in his mental prn. Foreman: (laughing) That's what attractive means. It means "I'm attracted to you, sexually." Thirteen: Attracted can also mean "I'm attracted to the whole package, to who you are." (referring to the scan) Slight elevation at transaxial 60. Foreman: It could. It never does. It's what women choose to hear, not what men say. Thirteen: Actually, it's exactly what men say if they have any brains. Thirteen: All right, we have enough for a baseline. What can we ask him that's indiscreet, but that he won't hate us for knowing? Foreman: (speaking into the microphone) Nick, do you vote the same way as your wife? Nick: (speaking from the MRI machine) God, no. Thirteen: Good. He's spiking at 30. Nick: She believes I voted for Hillary Clinton in the primary and Obama in the General. You're thinking I’m secretly a Republican, right? Wrong. I secretly don't vote. Ever. Thirteen: (speaking into the microphone) Wait, you're 46, and you've never voted? Nick: Your voice is no longer attractive to me with that note of disapproval. Although I'm sure that will pass. Foreman: Look at that. (pointing to the screen) There's a spot in the cingulate gyrus that's not lighting up. Nick: One vote makes a difference? Not mathematically true. Thirteen: Okay, Nick. We've got what we need. We can't biopsy that. It's too close to the brainstem. Foreman: Could be neurosarcoidosis. At least it's treatable. Thirteen: So we give him steroids, and if we're right, we should start seeing his symptoms improve within half a day. [She gets up and starts to walk out the door, than pauses and looks back at Foreman] Thirteen: What are you looking at? Foreman: I find your strong attachment to a working democracy to be extremely sexy. Thirteen: Ooh, you smooth talker. [Cut to Taub and Kutner in the cafeteria line] Taub: Do you think my nose is too big? Kutner: Relax, he also implied my bedside manner was a little off. You don't agree with that, right? Taub: No. Kutner: No one's ever mentioned your nose before? You're a plastic surgeon. Taub: They tell me it suits my face. Kutner: It does. Taub: Maybe. Maybe that's just the social contract. You tell me I look great. I tell you you're a people person. How can you know the truth? Kutner: You could ask for the truth. Taub: (to the cafeteria worker) What do you think of my nose? Please tell me the truth. Cafeteria worker: It's fine. It's a nose. Taub: Just proving a point. [As they head to find a table we see House moving across the room to where Wilson is sitting eating his lunch. House is carrying an empty plate] House: Anyone sitting here? Wilson: Just my persona. House: You know, it's amazing the way people cling on to insults. Or what they think are insults. (He takes a sandwich and fries off of Wilson’s plate and puts them on his own) Wilson: So that wasn't an insult? House: I'm not suggesting that, like our patient, you're hiding a dark, sarcastic core beneath a candy shell of compulsive niceness. (House has pulled a fork out of his breast pocket) Wilson: I'm not always nice. I'm not nice to you. House: Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice. No, I'm suggesting that you have no core. You're what whoever you're with needs you to be. Okay, I guess that could be insulting. The interesting question is why. Why do you think the world will end in chaos and destruction if you're not there to save it? (He starts eating Wilson’s lunch) Wilson: Because when my parents put me in the rocket and sent me here, they said, "James, you will grow to manhood under a yellow sun." House: And why'd you lie about monster trucks? Wilson: I didn’t. House: I checked your appointment book. You got tomorrow night marked off, but you didn't put down what you were doing. So you thought someone might look at the book — Wilson: I'm playing racquetball tomorrow night, with Taub. House: Why would you hide that? Wilson: Because the world revolves around you. I devote time to anyone else, you'd end up stalking me and harassing them. House: You say that as though it wouldn't be fun. Wilson: And maybe I didn't want to rub your nose in the fact that we'd be doing something you can no longer do. Because I'm nice. (He picks up his lunch tray and leaves) [Cut to Nick’s hospital room. Nick is breathing hard. Foreman rushes in] Audrey: I thought you said the steroids were gonna help him. What — is it his heart? Foreman: EKG says heart's fine. It's gotta be the kidneys. I need to get him on dialysis. [Cut to the conference room. House and the entire team are there] Foreman: He's on dialysis, and he's sab. Thirteen: We know it's not systemic sclerosis. [Taub, who is getting coffee, is looking at a distorted reflection of his nose in a spoon] House: (to Taub) Hey, Cyrano de Berkowitz. Let it go. Taub: (sitting down at the table) Chronic lymphocytic leukemia could explain brain and kidney problems. Foreman: The CBC showed normal white blood cells. [House is standing, holding his cane over his shoulder] House: (to Taub) So how long have you been playing racquetball with Wilson? Taub: Four or five times. Taub: Could be diabetes. Kutner: Or a congenital metabolic disorder. Taub: Congenital disorders generally don't wait till you're 46 to manifest. Kutner: So he's a late bloomer. His daughter has a neurological condition. House: (swinging his cane like a tennis racket) First of all, Wilson played tennis on his college team, and you are a Jew. You're not athletic. Run to the end of the hall and back. I'll time you. Taub: Sandy Koufax is Jewish. Greatest left-handed pitcher of all time. House: Sandy Koufax is all you Jews go on about. Sandy Koufax, and the holocaust. (he sits down) Gets old. Foreman: There are dozens of congenital conditions that fit our parameters. We can't spend time gene testing for all of 'em, especially when we're only guessing it's congenital. House: (to Taub) Is a z-sht offensive or defensive? Taub: It's both. House: You suspected that was a trick question. Taub: But I could have said neither. Diabetes makes more sense. House: We can narrow the testing down to 40 likely candidates. Test for peripheral nerve damage. Thirteen: He's got brain damage. He's likely to have peripheral nerve damage no matter what the cause. House: Yes, that's why we should not test him for it. Test the daughter. Kutner runs the nerve test. Taub, you may be right about the diabetes. Take supper away from our patient and run a glucose tolerance test. Oh, and the nurses have been working so hard. You can do the blood draws yourself. Taub: They have to be done every couple hours. You're punishing me because you're jealous that I'm spending time with your best friend. House: That would be petty. I'm punishing you because now you've joined my best friend in lying to me. Let me know when you're ready to confess everything. (The team leaves) [Cut to a testing room. Kutner is putting sensors on Marika’s feet and wrists] Kutner: This can become either hot or cold. As soon as it starts to feel uncomfortable, I want you to tell me. Marika: But you don't think there's something wrong with me. Audrey: No, baby, they're testing you to help daddy. Kutner: Yes, what you're doing is very important. It's like the better you do, the better we know your dad is. (Kutner and Audrey go into the control room) (to Audrey) I'll start with heat. Audrey: I know it's not his fault. I know what he says is involuntary, but, it doesn't help. Kutner: Inside, he's still the same man. Audrey: That's the problem. Apparently he's been thinking this stuff all along. Whoever that "same man" is, it's not the person I thought I was married to. Kutner: (to Marika) You okay? (to Audrey) She should be feeling something by now. Audrey: What does that mean? Is she sick too? [Marika starts shrieking. Audrey and Kutner run into the room] Audrey: Marika! Honey! Kutner: You're brned. Why didn't you tell me it started to hurt? (He turns off the machine and takes the sensors off of Marika) Marika: I wanted to help daddy. You said the better I do, the better daddy has to be. Kutner: (to Audrey) Sorry. [Cut to Nick’s hospital room. Taub is preparing to do the glucose tolerance test] Nick: I'm starving. Taub: (while doing the test) It's the only way we can do the test. Nick: Good thing it's you and not Dr. Hadley. Could you keep her away from me? I have a rich imaginative life. I'd rather not share it. Taub: We all have thoughts. Nick: I know we all have sexual thoughts. We have ignoble thoughts. I just don't want those to be who I am to people, especially not to my wife. Taub: I understand. I don't think it would be fair to define me by my passing thoughts. Nick: My real choices are my actions. And I've never done anything to hurt her. I've never cheated. You're kidding me. You've cheated? Taub: What? No. Why would you say that? Nick: Because you look guilty as hell. Taub: Are you serious? Of course you're serious. Nick: Yes, everyone knows. God, they must think you're a creep. (Taub walks out, Nick is calling after him) They might not know. They might be idiots. I just say these things. [Aerial view of PPTH then a cut to the morgue, where House is lying on gurney tossing a small red ball into the air] [There is a body lying on a table in the room. Taub walks in] Taub: Why'd you page me here? House: (still tossing the ball) I need you to update me on the patient's condition. Taub: Seems to be dad. Why'd you page me here? House: I need you to update me on the patient's condition (he sits up and holds up the ball) while hitting this against the wall. (House tosses the ball to Taub who catches it) This is the only place we can do both. Taub: I finished the last blood draw. House: I expect the people who work for me to rise to a challenge. Unless they don't expect to work for me. [Taub picks up a squash racket from a nearby table. House sits back preparing to observe] [Taub bounces the ball once and hits it against the back wall. Most of this conversation takes place while Taub continues to ht the ball against the wall] Taub: Last blood draw was at 6:00 AM. Sugar levels never rose above 120 all night. (Taub misses and has to chase down the ball and start again) House: So the glucose was normal. Means you were wrong about diabetes. Taub: (hitting the ball again) I still think it's the endocrine system. Maybe I just got the wrong gland. House: So you're going for thyroid instead pancreas? Makes sense. [Taub hits the ball too hard and when trying to ht it again, ends up knocking things off of a shelving unit] Taub: Fine. I'm not playing racquetball with Wilson. I was never playing racquetball with Wilson. (pause) I thought it would be helpful if a Department Head owed me a favor. But it's not worth this. House: (nods) Not bad. You put on a good show. You studied up. Wilson actually booked a court. If you were really a racquetball player, you'd know that you were holding a squash racket. (pause) Tell Kutner to do a thyroid reuptake scan, I’ll go grab a nap in one of the on-call rooms. (He gets up and heads out the door) [Cut to Nick’s hospital room. His wife is by his bed, his daughter is drawing at a table] Kutner: We're taking you to do a thyroid reuptake scan. We think your — Nick: I'm not going anywhere until you explain why my daughter has a bandage on her hand. You just said you wanted to run some test. I'd known it would involve pain, I’d have said, "hell, no." Kutner: It's a mild burn. Since Marika has a neurological disability like you, we needed to make sure — Nick: She has no disability. Audrey: Nick, you know about her problem with auditory processing. Nick: "Auditory processing." That's code for "I can't stand thinking my daughter's not perfect." Audrey: The therapist said Marika's test scores — Nick: Were indeterminate. She doesn't have a disability. She daydreams. She gets below-average marks in school because she's below average. Every parent thinks their child's "above average." Audrey: Nick! Nick: Do you have any idea what the word average means? Somebody has to be under it. Audrey: (walking over to stand by her daughter) Nick, shut up. Nick: (Realizing the Marika has heard him) Oh, honey… I'm not saying you're stupid. Your mother's not the sharpest crayon in the box, and she does great. See, this is, this why I told your mother to keep you at home. Didn't want you here. [Marika pushes her crayons and paper off the table and runs out of the room] Nick: Marika! Marika, wait! Get her… (He starts coughing) Kutner: (feeling his forehead) You're burning up. And your lungs are full of fluid. We need to get it out. (He calls to the nurses) I need 200 milligrams of furosemide and two milligrams of morphine, stat. [Cut to House and the team sitting around the conference table] Kutner: His temperature is 103. Taub: infection. Thirteen: The steroids must have forced it into the open. Foreman: What kind of infection? It could be anything; Staph aureus, tuberculosis, strongyloides… House: Go back to Phineas, get a history. Kutner: We've got a history. He hasn't been out of the country. House: Get a detailed history. Kutner: No one at home is sick. No one at work is sick. There's no sign of ticks or mosquitoes. House: Get a more detailed history. Ask him again. And again until he remembers something. (Taub starts to leave) House: (to Taub) Not you. Kutner can do it. You're gonna be busy with something else. (Kutner leaves) [Cut to Taub poking his head into Wilson’s office. Wilson is sitting at his desk] Taub: I'm here to invite you to lunch. Wilson: Uh, why? [Taub comes into the office and shuts the door behind him] Taub: I've been made. House sent me back to you as a double agent. [Wilson sighs and puts his head in his hands] [Cut to Nick’s hospital room. Kutner is examining his eyes] Nick: Anything wrong? Kutner: Eyes are a little red. Nick: There's a shocker. I haven't had a good night's sleep since this thing started. (to Audrey, who is sitting in a chair by the window) You should get some rest yourself. Kutner: That's a good idea. This is going to take some time. It'll be pretty exhausting. Audrey: (to Nick) Are you afraid of what you might say while I'm here? Nick: Yes. Audrey: Are you telling me there's something worse than what I've already heard? Nick: No, I — I don't know what I'm gonna say. I don't know how I'm gonna hurt you next. I think we should be around each other as little as possible right now. Audrey: (getting up and gathering her purse and coat) This is pathetic. Nick: I know. Tell Marika I love her very much. Audrey: She understands that. Nick: I don't think she does. You're just saying that to make me feel better. Audrey: Yeah. (she leaves) [Cut to House standing against the wall outside Wilson’s office, twirling his cane. Kutner walks up from behind him] Kutner: Guy leads a boring life. They stay home a lot. No travel, no exotic pets, no nearby standing water. House: You sound pleased about something. Can we get to that part? Kunter: His wife rescues dogs. Among others, a big rottweiler who's taken over the house. Our patient hates it. House: Was the wife there to hear this? Kutner: No. House: Too bad. Keep going. Kutner: The dog marks his territory all over the living room. I asked what the odds were that he would have put down food or drink where the dog could reach. He said he put a glass of juice on the floor while he was fixing the television. House: The dog was fixing the television? Kutner: Yes. House: The patient's eyes red? Kutner: Yeah. I'm thinking Weil's. House: Bacterial. He lucked out. Start him on doxycycline. If he improves, we'll know we were right. [Taub comes out of Wilson’s office and he and House head down the hall together] Taub: I told Wilson you sent me to get information. House: And now you're telling me. What does that make you, a quadruple agent? (They walk into House’s office) Taub: He let me print out his e-mails. House: Wow. Excellent. Information he wants us to have. Did he let you print out his deleted e-mails? Taub: No. House: Then go back there — Taub: As long as I was sitting there, I thought I'd print 'em anyway. (He hands a stack paper to House) Top one's the one you're looking for. House: (reading the email) Writing to confirm Wednesday at 7:00 PM. [House sits down at his computer and starts typing] Taub: It's out going to [email protected]. There's a Joan Gonzalez in oncology. It's a consult. House: Secret consult, 7:00 PM. (He finds a picture of Joan Gonzalez online) Oh, Joan is perky. Taub: You're wrong. There was a patient file attached. House: Where? (He holds out his hand for the file) Taub: It was password-protected. House: No. Wilson doesn't password-protect his patient files. I'm the only one he'd expect ever to look there, and he knows there's only one patient I'd want to check on. Taub: You think Wilson’s sick? House: (typing again) If Wilson had cancer, there'd be no reason for him to drive three hours to Manhattan. He could pull strings here and get the best treatment. (He pulls up a list of articles on his computer screen) Six articles by Gonzalez. "Managing suicidal thoughts in oncology patients," "Suicidal ideation in children with leukemia." Taub: I don't want to ask this, but, have you ever had reason to think he might be depressed? House: (turning to look at Taub and speaking very curtly) No. Get out of here. (Taub leaves, House looks worried) [Cut to Kutner and Foreman talking to Nick in his room] Kutner: Your fever's down and your lungs are clearing. Nick: How long before this brain thing goes away? Foreman: The infection's gone, but the damage the infection did; you'll have to live with. Nick: You're telling me you can't fix this? There's, there’s gotta be a way. Kutner: We'd need to remove the damaged area in your cingulate gyrus, but it's too close to the brainstem to risk surgery. Nick; You can't risk it. But I could shop around, and maybe some better doctors at a better hospital — Foreman: The brain stem controls the body's involuntary systems. The slightest mistake could kll you. Even if you survive, you may never be able to breathe on your own again. You may never— Nick: I get it. Foreman: I know this seems like a lot to deal with right now. But people have adapted to living with all kinds of neurological deficits. Kutner: Hey, at least we can promise you it won't get any worse. Nick: Get the hell out of my room. (Kutner and Foreman leave) [Cut to Wilson entering the hospital. His shoulders are hunched from the cold. He goes to the desk to sign in, House is sitting on a bench waiting for him] House: (getting up and approaching Wilson) Your assistant said that you were out of the hospital, taking a walk. Wilson: Is there an emergency? House: I don't know. Is there? You never take a walk unless you've got something you need to think about. Wilson: (reading his messages) Maybe you just don't have a good statistical sampling of my walks. House: The other thing you do when you need to think is you come to my office. (Wilson turns away from House) Apparently, this is something you can only discuss with Gonzalez at New York Mercy. (Wilson pauses and turns to face House) Wilson: Taub. another graduate of the House school of being a dick. House: Private dick. Wilson: Look, I'd love to stay for the full inquisition, but I need some hot coffee. [Wilson goes into the cafeteria. House follows him] House: Of course you need hot coffee. It's 45 degrees outside, and you left your coat upstairs. Why? Wilson: (getting his coffee) You're going to tell me why I forgot my coat? House: Once you get outside, the cold would have reminded you. You could have come back, but you didn't. You chose to be uncomfortable. Now, why would someone choose that? Because they hate themselves? Wilson: (angrily) Has it ever occurred to you that when I don't share something, it might not be meant as a challenge? It might just mean that I'd like there to be one molecule of my life that goes unexamined by Gregory House. (Wilson leaves) [Cut to aerial view of PPTH (daytime) and than to Nick waiting for House in his office] Nick: (House walks in and Nick approaches him) Nick Greenwald. I hear you're the guy in charge. I'm the patient with the disinhibition. House: If you're here to say thanks, you're welcome. Now go away. Nick: Oh, I'm not thankful. I'm pissed. House: Oh, all the more reason to go away. Nick: They're talking about sending me home. To what? A life where I'll continually drive away anyone who might for a second care about me? House: Those are the breaks. (He walks over to his desk) Nick: You could operate. House: You could die. Nick: So I'm either better or dad? I'm okay with that. (he moves to face House on the other side of his desk) I — I've always been kind of a… an impatient guy. But I've worked hard to keep my mouth shut. I've made my wife happy. I've made my little girl happy. I want that back. Otherwise, it's no life. [The look on House’s face is one of connection and understanding] [Cut to the doctor’s locker room. As Chase shuts his locker, he finds House standing there] House: (handing Nick’s file to Chase) I want you to remove a small problem. Chase: taking the file and glancing at it) I'm not a neurosurgeon. House: But your boss is. You could assist. I'm sure you'd like to add to your resume. Chase: It's too near the brain stem. Nobody's gonna touch it. House: Your boss would. He's an egomaniac. I know 'cause I keep seeing him at the club. He just needs a little push. I'm sure by now you've kissed his ass sufficiently. (Chase laughs and turns to put the clothing he is holding and the file on the sink. He takes a sip from a coffee cup on the counter) Would you like me to phrase it as "you're politically gifted"? I can do that. Chase: You want me to help you? (He turns to face House) Tell me why. House: Why what? Chase: Why you care. The puzzle's solved. The guy's alive. And the odds of coming out of this surgery with that same status aren't that great. House: My patient has a quality of life issue. Chase: He says awful things, hardly a medical condition. House: (with eyes downcast, not making eye contact with Chase) When, he leaves here, he's going to lose his family. He's gonna alienate the people he works with. And if he ever finds a friend who's willing to put up with his crap, he'll be lucky. Until he drives them away too. (He glances sideways at Chase who has realized how personal this has become for House. House is speaking as much about himself as he is about Nick) Chase: (giving a slight nod) I'll see what I can do. [The camera pans to the mirror beside Chase where we see House as a reflection. House nods and leaves the locker room] [Cut to Nick lying on an operating table. The camera focuses on Chase for a moment and then pulls up and back to reveal House watching from the observation room. Wilson walks in and sits down beside House. Wilson is wearing his coat] House: (looking at Wilson) You've apparently got this whole coat thing backwards. Wilson: I may have overreacted. House: You definitely overreacted. Wilson: I knew you'd meet me halfway. House: It made me think. You only snap on one subject: losing people. So I went back to the intel. It's true there's only one doctor named Gonzalez at New York Mercy, but there's a Javier Gonzalez who's a nurse in the psych ward. And who could you lose who'd end up there? Wilson: Maybe the reason I don't always open up to you is because it's redundant. House: Daniel Wilson. (pause) Once you got a name, it's amazing how much stuff you can learn on the phone. I mean, if you're a doctor and you lie freely. They found your brother sleeping in the lobby of an office building in Manhattan. Got aggressive when they asked him to leave, and the cops took him to the Mercy psych ward. Wilson: There have been new anti-psychotics developed since he ran away. He's been on them for a couple of days, and by tonight, he should be in shape to talk to me. House: But you're not sure if he wants to. Wilson: I'll be in New York in a few hours, and I guess I'll find out. House: Why wouldn't you tell me this? Wilson: House, you and I… We don't have the normal social contract. I don't expect you to tell me the lies — House: I am fully capable of lying to you. I've lied plenty of times. Wilson: I mean, collaborative lies. Giving someone a hand who maybe needs to deceive themselves, just a little. (Wilson gets up) For two days I've been thinking about how Danny’s gonna react when he sees me. If I said that to anybody else, they'd say, "don't worry, it’ll all be all right." You wouldn't. House: Because it might all go horribly wrong. Wilson: (he laughs) Yeah. Yeah, it might. (He turns to leave) House: In which case, you might want some company. (Wilson walks back toward House as if he cannot believe what he just heard) [Cut to Nick in the OR post-op facility. Foreman, Taub, and Audrey are there] Foreman: Your heart's beating. First hurdle past. Now we need know if you can breathe for yourself. (He slowly pulls out the ventilator tube) Audrey: (sighing with obvious relief) Oh, thank God. (She grips Nick’s hand) Taub: Now, do you know who you are? Nick: Nick Greenwald. Former SOB. Thank you. Now I can go back to my beautiful life with my beautiful wife. Maybe she'll stop whining and cut me some slack now that I've risked my life. (Audrey, Foreman, and Taub all look puzzled) Foreman: Doesn't make sense. We removed the problem. Taub: We removed the damage. Maybe we were wrong about the problem. Nick: (to Audrey I need to believe we can get through this. Foreman: Temperature's 94.5 Audrey: (upset now) Do you really think I'm stupid? Nick: Honey, you're not stupid. You' just — please don't do this. Taub: It could be the effect of the surgery. Audrey: Do you at least respect me, Nick, what do you think of what I do for a living? Nick: I think people who publicize important things are people who can't do important things themselves. (Audrey puts her hand to her face and sniffles, she is on the verge of tears) Honey, stop. Don't. Audrey: Do you regret marrying me? Taub: 94.2 Nick: Sometimes. Everybody wonders — Foreman: (to the nurses) Get me a heating blanket. Audrey: Do you even love me? Nick: Yes. Audrey: I don't know why. Nick: Audrey, wait. Let me — (Machines begin beeping and Audrey starts to back away. Nick is clearly not okay) Foreman: V-tach. Get me the paddles. (a nurse wheels in a defibrillator and Audrey leaves) Clear. [Cut to the conference room. Taub is on his cell phone, Foreman and Thirteen are standing, Kutner is sitting at the head of the table] Foreman: Echo says his heart is structurally fine, but his temperature is still dropping. He's headed for hypothermia. Taub: I can't reach House. It just goes to voicemail. Thirteen: It means we were wrong about infection. His temperature's just going up and down because something's playing with his thermostat. Kutner: Which means the brain damage is spreading. Foreman: What causes brain damage and nosebleed and involves the lungs, heart and kidneys? Taub: Cancer? We could text him. Foreman: It's not cancer. Normal PSA, normal blood smear, colonoscopy normal. Do a full body scan. Kutner: House hates full body scans. Foreman: House isn't here. Taub: House is right. Everybody's got three or four meaningless anomalies that'll come up on a scan. Chasing each one will take time we don't have. Foreman: Feel free to send him an IM. [Cut to Nick sliding into the MRI machine] [Cut to House and Wilson in the waiting room of the institution where Daniel Wilson is being held. Wilson is antsy, tapping his feet and his fingers as he sits in a chair. House is getting coffee for both of them] House: (handing Wilson his coffee and sitting down across from him) You told me you saw your brother once. After he disappeared. Wilson: 13 years ago. I used to go to Princeton whenever I could. I must have ht every homeless shelter in town. And then one day, I’m just sitting at this deli, having a sandwich, I look out the window, and there he is. He was gone by the time I got outside. House: That's why you were so eager when I told you there was a job at Princeton. I thought it was just my charm. [House’s cell phone goes off with MMMbop by Hanson] Wilson: That's the team. Shouldn't you answer? House: They already texted me to say they're doing something stupid. (Wilson smiles) [Cut to the team viewing Nick’s scans] Foreman: There's a small abdominal aneurysm. Taub: Irrelevant. What else you got? Kutner: Cyst in the pleura around the lungs. Thirteen: Also irrelevant. Couldn't cause any of the symptoms. Foreman: There's a density in the liver. Could be a vascular malformation. Taub: If he's got multiple AVMS, screwed-up blood flow would explain everything. Foreman: We can only spot them with angiography. We'll have to do targeted scans with contrast and then embolize each one. Taub: Can we do that before he freezes? Kutner: We'll find out. (They leave) [Back to the mental institution waiting room. Wilson is pacing, but stops when House starts talking] House: The spell-correct on Kutner’s phone has got a hair trigger. Either that, or the patient has a “cyclone in the floral of his lungs.” (He closes his phone) You took a walk in 45-degree weather, and you left your coat behind. Wilson: Go ahead. House: I think you were punishing yourself. I think you wanted to feel what it would be like be homeless in a New Jersey winter. That tells me, guilt. That tells me, something happened. Wilson: The schizophrenia started when he was a teenager. When he was in college… He was on meds, but he'd still think a professor was out to get him because he got a B, or he'd fight with his roommates because he never showered. House: Where were you? Wilson: Med school. He, called me, every day. Talked for hours. I didn't have hours. House: Interesting. Later for that. Go on. Wilson: I was tired of being the guy that everybody counted on, so one night, Danny called — One night, Danny called, crying, upset about something. I had to study for an exam. So I — I hung up… Took my things. I went to the library so I wouldn't have to hear the phone ring. House: I wonder how that turned out? Wilson: My mother called me the next day. Danny had run away and left his meds behind. Which I knew meant that he would never be able to choose to come back, because he'd be so detached from reality. House: So you made your one effort to live a normal, selfish life, and the universe immediately smacked you down. And because we're wired to find meaning in semi-random events, you decided never to be that careless again. Wilson: You don't think that's a little facile? House: Actually, I don't. I think you did it consciously. You developed your people-pleasing talents (House gets up and faces Wilson) the way an Olympic athlete develops his muscles. Talk about an overreaction to a single event. Wilson: It was a pretty big event. House: Hanging up the phone? That's what you're blaming all this on. That's the behavior you've been trying to correct. As though nothing else went wrong in your brother's life. Of course, he overreacted too but… (talking more to himself than to Wilson) His glucose was normal? (the aahha moment) Wilson: We're not talking about my brother anymore, are we? [House dials a number on his cell phone just as an attendant comes into the waiting room. House is now talking on the phone. He is focused on the medicine and Wilson has been forgotten] House: It's House. ADMs don't explain his glucose. Wilson: Since this is a significant moment in my life and all, I… (he shrugs) House: (into the phone) Yeah. Wilson: (talking to House who is not listening) I think I'll just go in then. House: (still talking on his phone) Explain that. Wilson: Right. (He picks up his coat and follows the attendant out of the waiting room. House is too focused to notice) House: You'd given him steroids. His glucose should have been elevated. That wannabe cyst you found in the whole body scan; without the glucose, it's an irrelevant cyst. With the glucose, it's a relevant fibroma. He has Doege-Potter syndrome. [The scene is bouncing back and forth between House and the team] Kutner: His fibroma is secreting human growth hormone, which acts like insulin, lowering his glucose. Foreman: It doesn't explain the organ failure or the brain damage. House: This whole thing is an overreaction. That one small fibroma. It's benign, but his body's acting like it's an invde. His antibodies went to wr against it and got carried away, attcked his other systems. Take out the fibroma, he'll be a happy hypocrite again in no time. (House puts away his phone and turns to find that Wilson is no longer there) [Aerial view of PPTH, daytime] [Cut to Nick getting ready to leave. Taub is there filling out paperwork] Nick: Maybe I should call a cab. Taub: Your wife's probably just late. Nick: Yeah. (pause) I'm sorry about… You know… the things I said. Taub: I have a conspicuous nose. Nick: It suits your face. (He starts to put on his coat) Audrey: (entering the room) I'm sorry I'm late. Traffic. (pause) I have some good news. I was gonna tell you, and then you got sick. It didn't seem like the best time. I've been offered a better position. I'd be coordinating cancer awareness walks in three cities. Nick: That's great. Congratulations! I know you've worked hard for this. Audrey: Thank you. (She moves to her husband and puts her hand on his chest) Nick: Is Marika okay? Audrey: I'm sure she's moved on. (Nick sits in a wheelchair and Audrey wheels him out of the room) Kids are so resilient. [Cut to House, with his coat on, leaving his office. Wilson is waiting for him outside his office and they walk to the elevator together] House: You okay? Wilson: I'll be seeing Danny again next week. I'd like you to meet him. House: Sure. He sounds interesting. (knowing that Wilson has more to say) Go on. Wilson: I thought seeing him again would change everything. It would be wonderful or terrible. Instead… we're just strangers. It's kind of, anticlimactic. [The elevator arrives and they step in] House: Which is better than terrible. [House sighs and Wilson knows that House has more to say also] Wilson: Go on. House: Does it bother you that we have no social contract? Wilson: (laughs) My whole life is one big compromise. I tiptoe around everyone like they're made of china. I spend all my time analyzing: What will the effect be if I say this? Then there's you. You're a reality junkie. If I offered you a comforting lie, you'd smack me over the head with it. Let's not change that. House: Okay. Wilson: No, see, this — if you were implementing the social contract, you'd say that, but only because… It makes me feel better… House: It is kind of fun watching you trture yourself. Wilson: Do you think things will work out with my brother? [The elevator arrives at the ground floor. House and Wilson step out and head toward the exit] House: No. But when it does go wrong, it won't be your fault. Wilson: Thanks, House. House: You do actually like monster trucks? Wilson: Absolutely. [The camera follows them as they walk out the doors of the hospital] End.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x17 - The Social Contract"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a close up of House’s left eye. He rips off a piece of first aid tape. He inspects a length of tubing and cuts it off the bag of saline it was attached to. He wraps the tubing around a tongue depressor he was holding in his mouth. He measures off some paper tape, blinking several times as if to clear his vision. He inspects several pieces of the tape, which are hanging vertically. As Ted Nugent’s “Stranglehold” begins to play, House lines up a Hot Wheels car on a piece of plastic. He checks a toy shark.] [Once the shark is poised on the edge of a steel bedpan, he starts the toy car. It races down the plastic ramp that is suspended from the ceiling and does a loop-the-loop. Lower sections of the track are balanced on top of loose-leaf binder. The car takes a corner that is blanketed with surgical scrubs. It enters a tunnel under crossed tongue depressors and sh*t out the end. A hand catches it in mid-air just before it jumps the shark. It’s Cuddy’s hand.] Cuddy: You have a patient waiting, see? [She indicates Morgan West who is standing behind her in the exam room door.] House: I'm waiting for a follow-up. Cuddy: If you're talking about Mr. Kazden, he has a deceased sticker on his file. As do all the other follow-ups you have scheduled for today. [She hands him a file and pulls a piece of the “track” from an IV stand.] Whoops. [She leaves.] Morgan: I had colds all winter. House: I've been in this room a while, but it's spring now, right? [He climbs off the table he was standing on.] Morgan: I feel run-down like maybe something big is coming on. House: Run-down. Come on, give me something. Sore throat? Morgan: No. House: Runny nose? Morgan: No. I know it sounds weird, I'm a nurse, but could you run maybe a CBC or thyroid up — [She falls to the floor and starts seizing. House looks annoyed as he gets up, steps over her and opens the door.] House: [loudly] Dr. Cuddy, I need a consult. [Cuddy enters.] Until she stops seizing, I may as well go back to my office and get my diagnosis on. Cuddy: She's urinating on herself. House: She's having a seizure. If she hadn't peed it would… Cuddy: It's green. [Morgan’s white nurses’ uniform is stained light green around the crotch.] House: Interesting. [Opening Credits] [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room. House is writing on the white board. Thirteen, Foreman and Kutner are at the table.] House: 35-year-old woman. Head of nursing at an old age home. [The white board has NEURO written on it. Below that is the letter P.] Kutner: Neurological symptoms and "P"? Oh, green pee. I get it. Nice. Thirteen: "Neuro" is also written in green. Does that mean she has green neurological symptoms as well? [Kutner enters and sits down.] House: From now on I'm gonna use two colors. Green indicates irony. Foreman: Pseudomonas infection. Thirteen: She'd have a fever. Toxins? Taub: Why are we taking this case? House: Welcome, your lordship. We were just preparing your morning briefing. Taub: Sorry I'm late. And, yes, green pee does meet the only diagnostic requirement you care about… it's interesting. But is it worth us taking this case? House: "Us" aren't taking anything. I'm taking. You're accepting. Taub: Okay, I accept. She has adult-onset epilepsy, and she really likes those Saint Patrick's Day beers. House: [looking away] Go check out the house and the office for toxins and infections. Taub: Her neuro exam was normal. No subsequent seizures. It's not life-thrat. It's not important. House: Luckily, neither are you. [Cut to the nursing home where Morgan works. Kutner and Taub are in her office.] Kutner: You okay? Taub: I'm fine. Kutner: You and House this morning, the way you were arguing. Taub: Airing disagreements doesn't qualify as arguing. Kutner: Come on, man. I'm just trying to help. We're friends. Taub: There are 400 Japanese teenagers you were playing Halo with last night you're better friends with. Your avatar should ask their avatars how they're doing. Kutner: I consider you a good friend even if we don't hang that much outside work. Taub: I wasn't arguing with him. Kutner: You kinda were. Taub: Fine, I was. [He picks up a bottle of pills.] And you know what, I was right. [Cut to House’s office. Taub hands him the pills.] Taub: You got conned. Methylthioninium chloride. Notable side effect, green urine. She's a nurse. She knows the dosage. Knows how to fake a seizure. She pees pea soup and gets the warm attention of doctors all week long. She's a Munchausen and you're her mark. House: So you're insight is based on discovering an anti-Alzheimer's drug at an old-age home. Taub: No good reason it'd be sitting in her desk. House: You ever tried to pee on yourself in public? It's not easy. Taub: Sorry, I rushed the Jewish frat. We peed in private. House: For good reason. I can spot a fake seizure. Which means this was real. Which means her problem is phenol. Taub: Carbolic acid? Yeah, maybe she accidentally inhaled some at a gout treatment facility circa 1890. House: It's still in some antiseptic throat sprays. She's been chugging it all winter for her colds. Phenol explains the seizure and the urine. Taub: She'd have to drink five bottles a day. House: Which is why I'm sure you won't have trouble discovering evidence of it when you search her house. Bye. [Taub leaves. To Kutner] And you can start her on charcoal hemoperfusion for the phenol poisoning. [Kutner starts to leave.] Seriously? Kutner: Oh, you were lying about the throat spray. That does make more sense. So why are you wasting Taub's time? House: Because I don't want him to know that I'm wasting my time disproving his fake seizure theory. [He indicates zipping his lip.] Zip. [Cut to the lobby. Kutner is leaving. Neil Zane approaches him.] Neil: Chris? Chris Taub, right? Neil Zane. I was two years under you at Collegiate High, remember? Taub: Sure. Neil: So you're some big doctor here now? Taub: I'm a doctor. You? Neil: I was speaking at an econ course over at the university. I tripped and banged my leg. Taub: I have some time. Come with me. [Cut to Morgan’s room. House enters.] Morgan: Hi. Tests back? House: Head CT was negative. Morgan: What about a thyroid uptake or abdominal ultrasound? House: Sure. How about I flash some lights in front of your face first? Morgan: You want me to have another seizure? House: We're gonna have to give up the room unless we can confirm a problem. Morgan: Okay. [He holds an instrument which strobes white light at her. After a few moments, Morgan’s eyes roll back and she begins to convulse. He turns off the light and picks up her arm and lets go. Just before she hits herself in the face, she stops her arm from falling.] House: Dammit. Morgan: Please forgive me, I'm so sorry. House: What are you worried about? You have maybe a night in jail for fraud. I have to go tell one of my employees he was right. Morgan: I'm not a Munchausen. I'm gonna die unless you help me. House: You'll have to come up with something more original. Morgan: A cat predicted my death. House: Cats make terrible doctors. Oh no, wait, that's women. You're screwed. [He leaves.] [Cut to the clinic. Taub is bandaging Neil’s knee.] Taub: How'd you slip? Neil: Oh, I've had this dizziness problem for a while now. Taub: You get checked for labyrinthitis? Neil: On antibiotics for a week. No difference. Taub: Lie down a sec. Neil: Whoa, whoa, I'm dizzy. Taub: That's normal. [Turning Neil’s head from side to side.] So what are you teaching? Neil: Entrepreneurship. I'm a CEO, Ost Tech Industries. We make medical devices. Taub: All right, you can sit up. Neil: So did that tell you anything? Did I… [He flexes his jaw and moves his head.] Oh, my God. The… you just cured me. Taub: I figured you had a tiny calcium deposit in your inner ear. I just shifted it around. Neil: I've seen three doctors for this. I'm buying you dinner. Taub: Forget it. Neil: Come on. I'm also in investor in a club. We'll make it a night out. Taub: No, I'm married. Boring. Neil: I know some married people who aren't boring. Taub: A few years back, I was one of them. Good luck, Neil. [He leaves. Neil continues to move his jaw and shake his head.] [Cut to House getting off the elevator. Morgan approaches him, carrying a pet carrier.] House: If you're going to kll me and rpe me, please do it in that order. Morgan: This is the cat, Debbie. Have you heard of her? House: Debbie. Sorry, but without a last name… Morgan: She was in the news. We found her as a kitten. She lives in the nursing home. She only sleeps next to people when they're about to die. [House enters his office and closes the door in her face.] Ten patients in the last year. And then yesterday she did it to me while I was sitting on my couch. Please, the whole staff, the doctors even, we all know this is real. House: [calling from his desk] Can you come back later? I have some business I’m conducting with the Prince of Nigeria. Morgan: Just watch this video. [She holds a tape against the door.] It'll prove I'm not lying. Dr. House, I am begging you. [She starts to gasping loudly and drops the tape. She puts down the carrier as she sinks to the floor.] Chest. [Foreman sees this from the conference room, grabs his stethoscope and goes to her.] House: Quick! Before she goes without attention for eight seconds. Foreman: House. House: [He gets up, goes to the door but doesn’t open it.] She's faking. The cat told me. Foreman: Listen. [House comes out and takes the stethoscope.] Soft breath sounds. Means it's bronchospasm. Can't fake that. [Cut to the video tape which House and Cuddy are watching in her office.] TV Announcer: Debbie the cat spends most of her time just prowling the halls, the queen of her own private world. House: Gotta say, I don't think the changes they've made to American Idol really work for me. Morgan: [on TV] When Debbie climbs on a patient's bed and goes to sleep, we call the loved ones and tell them to come in. Cuddy: You want to treat her? She's a nut job. House: Don't we all have quirks? Aren't those eccentricities what make us human? Morgan: [on TV] It's like Debbie's here on earth to bring people to the other side. TV Announcer: The doctors we spoke to also agree… House: Nut jobs get sick too. Cuddy: So you think this cat story is nonsense. And you admit she faked her earlier symptoms. But you still think she's actually sick now? House: Well, anything would sound ridiculous if you said it in that voice. Cuddy: Confirm she's faking or I'm gonna have to kick her out. House: There's that voice again. Cuddy: I'll give you 24 hours. House: Consecutive? [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.] Kutner: What are you doing? House: [holding Debbie] No, Mister Bond, I expect you to die. Bronchospasm, go. Foreman: Bronchitis. Thirteen: No cough, no fever, and Blofeld didn’t smoke a cigar. House: He might have. Dude had a lair. Means he was rich. [He puts Debbie on the floor.] Rich people enjoy a good stogie, sometimes send them as gifts. Hey, Taub! Did that sound like I was awkwardly trying to segue into making a point? Taub: Yes. Thirteen: Emphysema. Foreman: Lungs were clean on the CT. Dogs can be trained to predict diabetic comas, epileptic seizures; they can smell cancer. It is possible there's something in this cat. [Taub goes to House’s desk.] House: It's more possible that it was just a coincidence. 10 million nursing homes. 100 million pet cats. One of them was bound to pick a few winners. Thirteen: Debbie was able to predict there was something wrong with the patient before you were. Is that a coincidence too? Foreman: Maybe the cat didn't predict anything. Might have caused the deaths. House: We shoulda listened to Ted Nugent. Foreman: Yeah, it could be cat scratch fever or visceral larva migrans. Maybe he didn't kll everyone at the nursing home, but it may be klling Morgan. House: The worms hop from the cat to the cat lady's lungs. I could buy that. Taub: [pulling an empty cigar box from House’s trash] Those cigars were for me. House: Hey, that reminds me, why is some fancy CEO sending you a box of Cuban cigars? Is it related to your money worries? Kutner: What money worries? House: Extrapolating from the fact that he's been skipping his morning muffin, I'd say that he lost almost all his money on the market last year. Taub: I'm on a diet. House: I'm also extrapolating from the online portfolio you forget to log off. But it's mostly the muffins. Scope her for worms in the lungs. [Cut to hall outside treatment room. Thirteen and Foreman are with Morgan. Kutner and Taub watch through the blinds.] Kutner: We could help out in there. Taub: Yeah, it takes at least four people to look inside a crazy woman's lungs for imaginary worms. Kutner: So you're in a good mood again. You need another speech about what a great friend I am? Taub: I'm telling my wife we don't need to downsize, but maybe we do. Kutner: You really lost all that money? Taub: I don't care about the money. I just feel bad for Rachel. Kutner: She married a guy in one situation and ended up with another. That's hard on anyone. Taub: Thanks. Makes me feel much better hearing my wife's a gold digger. Kutner: No, I just meant she married this master of the universe, successful surgeon, and now he's basically, you know, a flunky for this mad scientist… who saves lives, so that's good. [Thirteen comes out of the room.] Thirteen: There are no worms in the lungs. [Cut to House and the team walking down the hall.] House: What else could cause bronchospasm? Foreman: Severe acid reflux. Thirteen: No esophagitis. It's not reflux. Kutner: Why are you pushing a crash cart? House: Because patients sometimes crash, and they haven't yet invented a crash tractor for me to drive wildly around the hallways. [Cut to a room with four beds lined up.] Kutner: Why are we in the coma patients’ room? [House opens the bottom drawer of the crash cart and takes Debbie out.] Thirteen: You actually think the cat is going to predict someone's death? House: No, I know the cat is not going to predict anyone's death. Then I will have scientifically disproved… Kutner: You didn't keep this patient despite the cat, you kept this patient because of the cat. You're scared there's something to it. House: If I could prove the non-existence of an omniscient God who lovingly guides us to the other side, I would. Cat version will have to do. [He shoves Debbie toward Kutner who pulls back slightly.] Are you scared? Kutner: Cats brains are always in alpha mode. The few scientific tests that have seemed to confirm psychic phenomena, that's where it takes place. House: Please tell me that you were kidding so I won't have to fre you. Kutner: I was kidding. Foreman: We still have a human patient, right? Airborne allergens possible? Thirteen: Skin test was negative. Foreman: Lungs may be more sensitive. [House puts Debbie on the first bed.] Taub: Or House just screwed up. If you misinterpreted the breath sounds as soft instead of loud, it's laryngospasm instead of bronchospasm, which you can get from a simple panic attck, which she was having. Foreman: I also heard the lung sounds too, Taub. You saying I screwed up? Taub: "Screwed up" is maybe too harsh, but yes. [House picks up Debbie to put her on the second bed.] Thirteen: Don't you want to check their charts? House: Of course not. This is a double-blind. I don't want to even subconsciously signal to Teddy which one's the sickest. Kutner: Her name's Debbie. [Taub goes to the first bed, which Debbie already visited.] Taub: Are those welts on that guy's arm? Foreman: Were they here when we got here? Thirteen: [checking the chart] He has a severe cat allergy. House: [injecting the patient with something] That never happened. Kutner: Look at Debbie. [She’s lying down on the third patient’s bed.] House: Good news, Mister… Limpert, when you don't die tonight you will finally have done something good for the world as opposed to your life as a… fireman. Foreman's airborne allergen theory makes the most sense. Do a methacholine challenge on Catgirl to check it out. [Cut to litter box in House’s office. Cuddy enters.] Cuddy: I told you to get rid of "death cat." House: Do you see a cat? Cuddy: I see a litter box. House: [brandishing his cane] This is a disability, Dr. Cuddy. Can't make it to the men's room on time. Cuddy: You pee on the mice too? House: Well, now you see the mice actually prove that I don't have a cat. [There’s a tnk of mice in the corner.] Cuddy: Are these… are these the genetically modified lab mice from oncology? House: Genetically modified for tastiness. [He smacks his lips together several times.] Cuddy: [taking the mice] Get rid of the cat and get rid of your patient. House: My team's doing a methacholine challenge. Cuddy: Your team just completed a methacholine challenge, which came up negative. House: Who told you about the test? Taub? Cuddy: I'll never say. But yes. House: Her airways clamped down. I heard it. We kick her onto the street, it could happen again. I wish there was a lawsuit cat. It could warn you. Cuddy: I'm sorry, but if you won't escort her out, I'll have to get security to do it. [She leaves.] [Cut to House and Morgan outside the hospital. He’s pushing her in a wheelchair.] House: You’re joining me for a good-bye smoke. Morgan: I don't smoke. House: Fine. If you don't want the seventh graders to think you're cool. [He lights a cigar and blows the smoke at her.] I went through your purse. Horoscopes. Good luck charms. You went to a good college, good nursing school. So you weren't always a superstitious idiot. Morgan: I'm not a super… House: How 'bout four years, that sound right? That's when you switched from a family insurance plan to the one you're on now. Morgan: I was married. I got divorced. House: Two years before that, you got chicken pox shts, which you only get in adulthood when you have a kid. Or I should say when you had a kid because no kid has come to visit you. Which all makes me think something bad happened. Morgan: It was my stepson, Timothy. [She coughs as House continues to blow smoke at her.] House: What happened? Morgan: He was in school. He was having his morning snack. And he choked. And the teacher saw it and they did everything that they were supposed to. He shouldn't have died. House: You want to make it make sense. Morgan: [crying] What’s wrong with that? House: It’s meaningless, is what’s wrong. What’s wrong is that it doesn’t do a thing to bring your kid back, or put you and your ex together again. [Morgan starts coughing.] Rash on your neck. Probably not enough for Cuddy. [He puffs harder, blwing the smoke at Morgan.] Morgan: I can't breathe. House: Hey, doc. [He calls over a doctor who is nearby.] Breath sound soft to you, doc? [The doctor listens to Morgan’s chest and nods.] Hooray! You're officially sick. [He starts wheeling her back.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. The white board says “bronchospasm” and House adds “rash.”] House: Churg-Strauss fits best. Here's the plan… Taub, change the litter box. Taub: This is pathetic. You're still punishing me for calling you out on the green urine lady? House: Nope, this is for ratting me out to Cuddy. I'm not asking you to apologize, just scoop some poop out of a box. Foreman: Just clean it. Taub: Let House do it. Foreman: Yeah, that'll happen. He won't just continue to let our room smell like cat pee. I'll clean it next time. Taub: I'm outta here. Kutner: Now that you've delivered that important lesson, I'm gonna go test the patient. [He grabs his backpack from a chair. It meows. Kutner jumps back as he drops it. Debbie runs out of it.] House: What, you think your bag's gonna die now? Kutner: Now you're punishing me because you think I'm superstitious? What do you care? House: It's not so much about me caring per se. It's more about me wondering why you're such a credulous idiot. Thirteen, start the patient on steroids for the Churg-Strauss. Unless we have something we need to argue about. [She leaves.] [Cut to an office with a great city view. Taub and Neil are there. They’re drinking brandy.] Taub: This is good stuff. Neil: The best. It's made from the distilled sweat of recently laid-off hedge fund managers. Aren't you happy you came out tonight? Taub: Yeah. I wasn't actually going to, but not the greatest day at work. I used to have an office like this. Neil: Used to? Taub: When I was a plastic surgeon. But one day I took stock of my life and … Uh, screw it. I had an affair with the daughter of one of my partners. They signed a non-disclosure. I signed a non-compete. And the funny thing is I wound up telling my wife anyway. You like your job? Neil: Same as you. Same as everyone. It has its ups and downs. Taub: You're lying to make me feel better. Neil: Yeah, it's the best. I'm in charge, you know? I'm a kid with toys. Speaking of which, what do you think of the prototype? Taub: [picking up a tool] It's amazing. Gotta make it a half-inch smaller though. Neil: You serious? Taub: I got small hands, 6.5 gloves, like women surgeons, which are your fastest-growing market. Meaning the girls would have to use two hands to ht the switch. Neil: Why do I bother paying the idiots that work for me? Put down that crap you're drinking, because I am breaking out the really good stuff. [Taub stares out the window.] [Cut to Thirteen entering Morgan’s room.] Thirteen: What's wrong? Morgan: I went to the bathroom. My urine… Thirteen: Green again? [Thirteen looks in the toilet.] Morgan: It's brown. I didn't do anything, honest. [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room. There’s a ladder leaning against the wall by the door. House enters, singing Ado Annie’s song from Oklahoma.] House: I'm just a girl who can't say no. Thirteen: It is possible she's still faking. House: [hanging his cane on a bookshelf] She didn't fake the bronchospasm. You think she's faking some stuff but not other stuff? Maybe she's "Unchausen". Thirteen: I'm just saying the brown urine doesn't make sense. [House has an umbrella in his other hand. He opens it “at” Kutner and then rapidly opens and closes it to shake off the rain.] Kutner: What? House: Nothing. Thirteen: We've ruled out every possible cause for brown urine. No blood in the urine. Liver and kidneys fine. House: Brown could be fecal. A fistula… Thirteen: We checked. Foreman: How do we know the urine is still brown? House: Had to be. Once you've gone brown… [Thirteen rolls her eyes.] Foreman: If we've ruled out everything that can make the urine brown, what if it just looked brown? If the green dye never left her system, what plus green makes brown? House: [sitting] Purple. Strep bovis infection from colon cancer. Paraneoplastic syndrome would explain the bronchospasm. Thirteen: We scoped her when we checked for the fistula. There's no tumor. [House puts a salt shaker on the table. He knocks it over. The top falls off and salt spills over the table.] House: Oh, no. Kutner: I wasn't scared by the umbrella either. House: What? Not everything's about you, Kutner. Kutner: I realize it's stupid. I just… I don't know everything. I don't want to invite… House: Great, 'cause I thought your superstitiousness had to do with your folks being klled. But "you're stupid" works just as well. [He cracks a hard boiled egg against his forehead and starts peeling it.] Taub: [entering] Why is there a ladder here? House: Oops. Forgot that one. [He picks up the ladder and repositions it diagonally across the doorway.] Scopes don't work as well as pillcams. Give her one. Find the tumor. Come with me, tiny Taub. [He heads for his office and shoos Debbie off his desk chair. Kutner grabs a pinch of salt and tosses it over his shoulder. He edges his way around the ladder to leave. House, watching from his office, smiles.] Taub: Sorry I was late again. I've got a long commute from the poor house. House: Knew it when I hired you. You'd eventually miss the money, being the big sht like your new CEO friend, if that night club stamp on your hand is any indication. Taub: Don't worry, I'm not quitting. House: I know. Guy who signs a non-compete instead of just telling his wife that he cheated doesn't have the guts to quit. Taub: Bad example. I did tell her. House: From guilt, not from courage. And bravely running to Cuddy behind my back. Arriving heroically late every day. Cowards make lousy employees. Maybe you're a coward, maybe you're quitting. Either way, I'm screwed. [He leaves.] [Cut to House wheeling Morgan into the coma patients’ room. Debbie is resting on the same bed she picked the day before.] House: You will note how “Faster, Pussycat! kll! kll!” has snuggled up by Coma Guy over there. And more importantly, she did yesterday as well. And he's still breathing. We done? Morgan: [standing and walking to the bed] Thank you for showing me this. But maybe she's just confused in this new environment. House: In 1844 a preacher in upstate New York added up some dates in the bible and predicted Jesus' return. His followers gave away all their possessions and showed up in a field. Guess who didn't show. So the preacher said that he miscalculated, and they went right back the next month but with more followers. Every time he was irrefutably proved wrong, it redoubled everyone's belief. Morgan: I know I sound just like them, but I also know you’re wrong. Something terrible’s gonna happen to me. [Cut to House leaving the coma patients’ room with his backpack under his arm. Wilson is waiting in the hall.] Wilson: You’re trying to prove to her she's not dying? House: That would be dumb as she might be dying. Wilson: This woman lost her kid. Why are you attacking beliefs that give her a little bit of comfort? House: I don't care if her superstitions make her feel better. I just want her to think more clearly. Wilson: Oh. Maybe that could make her as happy as you are. [The elevator arrives and they step inside.] Where are we going? House: Experimenting. [The “backpack” yowls. Another doctor in the elevator looks around.] Stop it, Dr. Wilson. It’s just not cute anymore! [The elevator doors close as Wilson stands there with a frozen expression on his face.] [Cut to the Oncology wing and House and Wilson get off the elevator.] Wilson: You already experimented on the coma guy. Haven't you proved your point? House: Not to the patient. And not to the millions of idiots who drooled over that news item about the magic cat. Wilson: Why are you so obsessed with this? Can't you just call her an idiot and leave everyone alone? [They enter the children’s play area. House sits down.] House: Hey, look, kids, therapy cat. Billy: You're a liar. Therapy animals are dogs, not cats. House: Aren't you feisty? This one's special. If she likes you interesting stuff happens. Wilson: No, okay. Uh, kids, playtime's over. [The kids leave.] You know what, this is a good thing. Because either you're starting to doubt yourself, which is healthy, or — House: I don't believe in the legend of goodbye kitty. Wilson: Or, you're starting to give a crap what other people think. Which is just another way of saying you give a crap about other people. [House’s phone rings.] House: I'd love to hear more of your theory, but I don't give a crap. [He checks the message on the phone] Also, the pillcam's back. [He closes the backpack. Debbie yowls.] [Cut to Houses office. Kutner and Thirteen are watching the film from the pillcam with him. House is highlighting areas of the image with a laser pointer.] House: Polypoid. Raised edges. Thirteen: Raised edges are actually necessary, since that's the opening to the appendix. Kutner: How many times are we gonna watch this? There's no tumor. House: Oh my God, the death cat is attacking your legs. You're going to die. Kutner: Maybe it has something to do with that little red dot dancing around down there. House: [continuing to point the laser at Kutner’s feet] Oh my God, the death laser is attacking your legs. You're going to die. Thirteen: We're wasting time looking for cancer. She's still walking around. She's still pretty healthy. Maybe it's something minor. Kutner: Maybe we're not wasting time. We wouldn't have seen a flat lesion. House: Skin cancer could have metastasized to the intestines. Cool. Check for melanomas. [House and Thirteen leave. Kutner takes the file but sees Debbie sitting in the doorway. He backs up and calls her.] Kutner: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come here. Here, kitty. [He opens the door to the conference room. She meows once but doesn’t move. Kutner leaves through that door, instead.] [Cut to House’s bedroom. He’s asleep. The phone rings.] House: What? Kutner: It's not cancer. We found spider veins on her back. They weren't there when she came in. House: Spider veins means Cushing's. Could cause an abdominal disturbance, brown urine… Kutner: But the bronchospasm? House: Cushing's myopathy. It's uncommon but… [He turns on the light and winces.] Wait a second. You didn't wake me up to tell me a symptom that's not klling her. What else is going on? Kutner: I think she's dying. House: I just told you it's Cushing's. We treat… Kutner: I don't mean because of the spider veins. Mr. Limpert died. House: If that's my high school gym teacher… Kutner: It's your coma patient. He was sab for a year and a half, and he just died. The cat was right, House. [Cut to the grounds of PPTH. Thirteen and Kutner are looking in the bushes.] House: Here, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss. Foreman: [standing with his hands in his pockets, not searching] Say "puss" one more time. It's the sixth "puss" that really does it. House: You're right. Sulking will solve everything. That cat sat on my lap, and that cat knows something. Kutner: You believe it now? Thirteen: Yesterday it was all a coincidence. House: Yesterday it was until I unintentionally proved it wasn't. Foreman: Patient must have Cushing's. We have to figure out whether it's based in… Kutner: Cat's nose is powerful. It could smell liver or kidney failure. House: Exactly, except if you'd glanced at the nursing home files I had faxed over this morning, you'd know that most of the patients' livers and kidneys were fine; what else? Foreman: MRI‘s aren't telling us if the Cushing's in her adrenals or her brain. House: So check her ACTH. Kutner: A cat's vision is at the blue end of the spectrum. Foreman: ACTH is 11.7. It's too close to tell. We can't treat the wrong organ 'cause that won't solve anything. She could have a cortisol storm. Could kll her. House: Well, maybe as the senior fellow you could have made sure that my doors were closed, so that I could be concentrating on the cat instead of looking for the cat. [He starts breathing heavily. He takes a sip from his coffee cup then stumbles onto a bench.] Kutner: You all right? Your nose. [He goes to House who turns and spits on him. It’s red. As the others approach, House whispers in Kutner’s ear.] Foreman: What'd he say? Kutner: Sounds like he said "do you like cranberry juice?" [He checks the red stuff on his lab coat.] Crap. House: Cheaper than fake blood. And more cran-tastic. Don't ever leave my door open like that again. Foreman: You're playing pranks and this woman could be dying. House: So have Chase do a venous sampling in her brain. If he finds something, it's there. If he finds nothing, it's the adrenals. [Cut to Taub and Neil having lunch at an outdoor restaurant.] Taub: I'm not who I used to be. I'm scared. That's not a way to live. I want to come work for you. Neil: Jeez, Chris, you didn't think… I didn't mean to imply that I could hire you right now. Taub: You said you needed guys like me. Neil: I know, but… You don't have an MBA. And I just hired a chief medical officer. Taub: Let me invest in that laser scalpel start-up. I got money saved. Not a ton but… Neil: We put in a $2 million minimum for the first round financing. Look, I guess I could take you on at a smaller number. But you have to understand, it wouldn't be some quick payoff. Taub: Yeah, I know. I know it's not gonna change my life overnight. I just need to start changing it. Neil: Okay then, let's start. [Cut to the morgue. House is getting ready to do an autopsy. Wilson looks on.] Wilson: What exactly are you hoping to find inside your dad coma guy? House: Catnip. Chew toy. I don't know. That's why I'm looking… Chase: [enters with Foreman] Your patient had cardiac arrest during the venous sampling. We got her back, but her heart's still tenuous. House: That tell us anything? Foreman: She's weak, possibly dying. House: So nothing. What about the ACTH? Chase: Slightly elevated. House: That confirms the Cushing's is in the brain… go. Chase: Are you sure that it's Cushing's? You'd expect central body obesity. She's in good shape. House: If it had a normal presentation, there wouldn't be a cat involved. Foreman: So it's the brain. That means the next question is whether to remove the pituitary right now… House: That's not a question for me. That's a question for the patient. You'll present both sides and let her decide. Chase: All right. [He and Foreman leave.] Wilson: I've got to stop telling you my theories. You always just try to prove me wrong. House: You mean the theory about Cuddy's ass getting bigger at the full moon? I confirmed that one. Photo’s on my blog. Wilson: Normally, you'd be up in the patient room hectoring her on what to do. Instead you're up to your elbows in some irrelevant dad guy who may or may not be connected to a magic cat because you want to prove to me that you don't care. House: Case is over. I'm exploring a scientific mystery. Wilson: I put up with your obsessions. I even encourage them for one reason: they save lives. I don't know what you're doing now. [He leaves. House makes the first incision on the body.] [Cut to Morgan’s room.] Chase: Cushing's means your body's overproducing a hormone called cortisol. The recommended course of action is to suppress it with drugs. Morgan: And that will cure it? Chase: Just treat it. It could come back. The only permanent solution is to cut into your brain and remove your pituitary gland, but the surgery's dangerous. Your heart stopped on the table once already. Morgan: I want the surgery. This thing is gonna kll me if I don't kll it first. Chase: Because of the cat? Morgan: Do you want to tell me what an idiot I'm being? Chase: No. I really believe that there are things that science can't understand. That there is a role for faith and prayer. But it's in the waiting room. Not the O.R. Morgan: There's a reason I got sick. There's a reason for all the bad things that have happened to me. I don't know what that reason is. But I know that if there isn't one… If there's no greater purpose in the world. Then it's not a world I want to live in. Chase: I'll schedule an operating room. [Cut to the OR. They’re starting Morgan’s anesthesia.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. Taub is sitting there, twisting his hands. House enters.] House: Early. Taub: I'm not staying long. I'm quitting. House: You got a new job? Taub: No. House: Well then, you're not quitting. See you back here tomorrow. Taub: You're not accepting my resignation? House: Easier this way. It avoids the whole thing where you panic, run back and grovel, and I punish you and then take you back. Taub: Bye. House: Bring donuts. Everyone loves those bear claws. [Taub leaves.] [Cut to House’s office, later. He’s reading and checking his computer monitor. He takes off his glasses and looks at the TV. There’s a freeze-frame of Debbie’s news story. She’s sitting on a nursing home patient’s bed. House looks over and Debbie is in the doorway. He gets up slowly and calls her.] House: Here, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss. Puss? [Debbie purrs and jumps on his desk. She lies down on his open laptop. House sits and pets her. She purrs. He thinks for a moment then puts his hand on the keyboard. He looks back at the TV, grabs the remote and zooms in on Debbie’s picture. He smiles.] [Cut to Ost Tech Industries. Taub is in a chair in the waiting room.] Secretary: Mr. Taub. Taub: I've been waiting 15 minutes. Where's Neil? Secretary: Neil doesn't work here anymore. Taub: He's the CEO. Secretary: I'm sorry. I wish I could help you. Sorry. Taub: This is crazy. I'm investing with his company. Secretary: He doesn't have a company. He worked here, but he was a receptionist, a temp. Taub: Where is he? Secretary: He's in custody. I really am not supposed to say anything else. Taub: I went to high school with him. Secretary: That's what everyone else thought too. I'm guessing you also cured his ear problem. Did you give him the money yet? Taub: No. [She leaves. He looks at a manila envelope in his hand and puts it back in his jacket.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. House enters.] House: I was right. And more satisfyingly, you were wrong. It was a coincidence. The cat was not predicting deaths. It was just trying to keep warm. Wilson: Yes, dad people are renowned for their warm glow. House: They are if they're feverish, like three of the patients were. Or if they're wasting away, like the other eight. Wilson: Wasting doesn't… House: Yeah, it does. If it means someone sticks a heating blanket on you. Wilson: Congrats. Because of your crazy obsession with this cat, you've solved a completely trivial mystery. House: Completely trivial. My God. It's clearly only partially trivial. Debbie climbed on Morgan too, which means she was overheated. So what causes flushing and mimics every Cushing's symptom except central body obesity? Wilson: Cancer. A corticotropin-producing carcinoid tumor of the intestine. But your pillcam didn't find anything. House: Means it must be somewhere the pillcam couldn't go. Wilson: The appendix. Congratulations, you probably saved her life. You definitely saved her needless surgery. House: Yes, I did. [grabs the phone] What's the O.R. extension number? Just curious. [Cut to Morgan’s room. She’s packing up. House enters.] Morgan: Thank you. House: I wouldn't come here for thanks. That would be ungracious. It's more about gloating. You were about to cut out a piece of your brain just to chase some crazy superstition. Morgan: But I didn't. House: You "didn't" didn't do anything. I stopped it. Morgan: And what made you do that? House: Science. Logic. Reason. Pick any three. Morgan: A cat chooses that exact moment to sit on your computer. Maybe that's science and logic and reason or maybe it's something else. House: You're an idiot. Morgan: I looked up the preacher from New York State. His followers never faded out. They became the Seventh Day Adventists. A major religion. That man changed the course of history. House: Because his followers were as deluded as he was. Morgan: Maybe he just gave them something to live for. House: Feel better. [He leaves.] [Cut to House’s office. He sits in his Eames chair and takes two toy cars out of his backpack. Suddenly he jumps up. He touches the chair then smells his hand.] House: Kutner! [Kutner comes in from the conference room.] Cat pee on my chair? Kutner: Blood on my face? House: Fake blood! [Kutner just stares at him.] You pay for the dry-cleaning. [He picks up his cars and his backpack and leaves.] Thirteen: Why are you still alive? Kutner: I’m not sure. Thirteen: I guess he was impressed that you stood up to him — and got a cat to pee on his chair. Kutner: [enunciating clearly] Yeah, a cat! [He goes back to the conference room while Thirteen stands in the doorway, mouth open.] [Cut to the hallway. House walks toward the elevators. The doors open and Taub comes out, carrying doughnuts.] House: See you tomorrow. Taub: Yeah. [House watches Taub drop the doughnuts in the conference room then sit at the table, head in hand. He gets on the table. Taub starts when Debbie jumps on the table. They stare at each other. [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x18 - Here Kitty"}	foreverdreaming
Note: While in the hospital, the patient of the week, Lee, cannot speak. The audience hears his thoughts as if they were voice-overs and they will therefore be noted as [VO]. [Open on a grid of blurry white squares with circles in them. Cut to a multi-colored striped thing. Cut to a woman’s face, slightly blurry, leaning over the camera. Cut to an IV bag. Cut to the woman turning off the light directly overhead. The grid becomes identifiable as a light fixture in the ceiling. With the light off, the screen goes black momentarily. When the “lights” come one again, everything is blurry and white. Lee: [VO, groggy] Hey. How long have I… [Emergency room background noise is heard. The striped thing is the curtain around the patient bay Lee is in. The camera shows his point of view. Dr. Kurtz, talking to another doctor, comes into focus. Lee overhears bits and pieces of the conversation as he begins to think aloud.] Kurtz: Blunt force trauma to the head did the fatal damage. Since the accident, he's had a continuous… Lee: [VO] I can't get up? Kurtz: No episodes of hyperten… Lee: [VO] What's wrong with my legs? Kurtz: EKG's show normal… Lee: [VO] Hey. Someone talk to me. You don't hear me talking to you? Kurtz: Normal feeling, pressure, normal C.K. Troponin… [He comes over and looks at Lee.] Great heart for transplant. Lee: [VO] Who. My heart? Oh, God! They don't know I'm in here. House: [VO] Hey, genius. I think it violates certain ethical laws to rip the organs out of a guy who's still alive. Possibly certain law laws too. [Lee looks around, but House is outside his field of vision. Dr. Kurtz is frowning.] Lee: [VO] Thank you. Thank you. Kurtz: Could you, um, get back in your bed, please, Mr. House? House: It's actually Doctor House. [House comes into view or, rather, his blue shirt does. The left elbow is ripped and bloody.] Lee: [VO] This guy's a doctor? House: There's also navy seal House. But you're going to have to save up for that one. Kurtz: Really? Well, that's interesting, but… you're here because you crashed your motorcycle, not because I need a consult. So, get back in bed. House: Scraped my elbow. I just need a truckload of Vicodin. Whereas, this guy… Kurtz: He's brain dad. Lee: [VO] No, I'm not! Kurtz: So drop it. House: See that? Kurtz: Minimal brain waves don't mean he's alive. Lee: [VO, shouting over Kurtz’s voice] I am alive! I'm here! Kurtz: No EKG response to painful stimuli, hot or cold. What you're seeing is random, barely discernable. House: I discerned it. Lee: [VO] Listen to him, please. Kurtz: No, that's just the amplifier's internal noise level. It's on increased sensitivity. [He starts to leave.] Lee: [VO] No, no, no, it's not! It's me. House: Then why is his eye following you? Lee: [VO] Exactly. Kurtz: [turning back] Following motion's an involuntary reflex. Lee: [VO] No. Kurtz: You're a doctor… you should know these things. [He leaves.] Lee: [VO] No, no, I'm not dad. I need help. I'm here! [House leans over Lee, who can see his face for the first time.] House: I also know about locked-in syndrome… That things are either involuntary… or voluntary. Blink if you can hear me. Lee: [VO] I hear you. [The screen goes dark for a second as Lee blinks.] House: Oh, this is going to be fun. [Opening Credits] [Back in the ER. Dr. Kurtz turns on a small flashlight and moves it from side to side.] Kurtz: Eye movement is deliberate. Can you blink once for "yes," twice for "no?" Lee: [VO, blinking once] I hope so. House: The square root of nine? [three blinks] He got that faster than you. Brain is fully functional. [House has an ugly bruise on his left cheekbone, directly under the eye.] Kurtz: Lee… Lee: [VO] Where's Molly? Kurtz: You were in an accident. [Cut to Lee riding a bike. He’s wearing a hoodie. He sees a car door open in front of him.] Lee: [VO] Lee, ht the brake, ht the brake, ht the brake! [Lee’s hands don’t move toward the brake as he gets closer and closer to the car.] [Cut back to the present and the ER] Kurtz: You've sustained a traumatic injury to your brain stem, which has cut off your brain's ability to communicate with the rest of your body. Lee: [VO] Can you fix me? Where's Molly? Kurtz: You still have movement in your eyes. So we can get you to a rehab facility where they can teach you how to communicate. Lee: [VO] No, I can't be stuck like this. House: Unless… the crash didn't cause the brain damage. Maybe the brain damage caused the crash. Lee: [VO] Yeah. I couldn't stop. Why couldn't I stop? House: [checking Lee’s hands] Look at his palms. No scrapes. He didn't even try to protect himself. Suggests slowed reflexes… or no reflexes. Kurtz: You're not a doctor in this hospital. You are a patient. Lee: [VO] Yeah, and you're the guy who wants to cut out my organs, and he's the guy who doesn't. House: [ignoring Kurtz] Get me the scans. Stroke, cancer, even a simple infection. Anything that insults the central pons could do this. Lee: [VO] Then that means that I could be fixed. Kurtz: You're giving him false hope. He needs to accept what's happened. And work on making the most of it. [He leaves.] [Cut to Molly standing next to Lee’s bed. She’s trying not to cry.] Lee: [VO] Molly. Molly: Hey. Lee: [VO] Don't look at me like that. That's not making me feel better. I love you. Molly: I don't know how God is going to get us through this. But he will. House: Stop it. I'm blushing. [He’s standing a few feet away reading an x-ray. His bloody button down shirt is gone. He’s wearing a t-shirt and has a bandage covering a large part of his forearm. A little blood has seeped through. Dr. Kurtz enters.] Kurtz: What are you doing? House: Just looking for some reading material for the crapper. These CTs — Kurtz: Get back in your bed. Come on. Molly: The children are in the waiting area. Can I bring them in? Lee: [VO] No. No, don't. [two blinks] Molly: You don't want to see them? [two blinks] Lee: [VO] I don't want them having nightmares. I don't want to scare them, Molly. Molly: You don't want them to see you? [one blink] It's okay. I understand. You're going to be better soon enough. [She leans over and kisses him.] Lee: [VO] You really that sure? Why are you so sure, babe? How'd you get so sure? [Cut to House reading Lee’s chart. Foreman, Kutner and Thirteen enter.] Foreman: You okay? House: Never better. Kutner: Here's your burger. House: If you can't bring Mohammed to Princeton, bring Princeton to Mohammed. That's my diagnostics posse. Hot, dark and darker. [He gestures using a French fry.] Lee: [VO] Talk about getting me better, please. Thirteen: What are you doing up in Middletown? Lee: [VO] Who cares? House: Buying a Gibson '57 Goldtop. It's the guitar Duane Allman used to play. Foreman: Next to the trauma, the mostly likely causes of a sudden onset of locked-in syndrome are basilar artery stroke and brain hemorrhage. House: CT was clean. Lee: [VO] Man, those fries look good. Foreman: Certain circulatory diseases. House: Guy's an active bike rider, his heart's fine. Thirteen A well-placed tumor could explain it. [House answers her.] Lee: [VO] Jeez, is the last thing I ate gonna be the last thing I ate? Thirteen: It could evade the CT and still show up on an MRI with contrast. Lee: [VO] It was a melted PowerBar. House: She's the smart one. I just keep dark and darker to fill out the quota. If we find it, treat it, you could be fine. Lee: [VO] I never thought I'd be praying for a brain tumor, but please, dear God. House: If you're praying in there, stop it right now. Kutner: We'll get his doctor to order an MRI. House: His doctor's busy teaching him how to blink out "kll me" in Morse code. Luckily, I found some forms under the mattress. [He pulls them out. Kutner hands him a pen and he signs them.] [Cut to MRI.] Kutner: Check it out, they have those MRI video goggles. I heard these were awesome. Thirteen: What do you see? Kutner: It's a beach. Oh, look, there's Taub… drinking a margarita and mocking us for driving all the way up here. Lee: [VO] Easy, I can still feel in here. Thirteen: Excuse Dr. Kutner. He gets a little excited about new technology. It can get loud in there, and a little closed off. These will put you in a quiet place. You can create a relaxing scenario for yourself. [She puts the goggles on Lee.] Lee: I hope they… [white clouds are seen] work… wow. [It’s a beach. House is there in a beach chair with a bottle of beer at hand.] You're in my relaxing scenario? House: I guess you like me. Lee: Either that or you got sent here. House: What? By God? Lee: I'm not sure if I believe in God. House: You spend an awful lot of time in church for someone who doesn't. Lee: I don't not believe either. House: It's either one or the other. Lee: I go to church mainly to keep my wife happy, but… I don't know, I've never actually thought that God could reach out and affect my life. But getting a brilliant doctor in the bed next to me? House: God is also the guy who opened his car door in front of you. Lee: I think Molly was right. I think you were sent here to make me get better. House: I think so. [Lee looks over and sees his children playing in the sand. He joins them.] Lee: Hey. Drake: Hey, Dad. Making a volcano. Lee: You're making a volcano? Looks like it. What you doing, baby? [Cut to Lee’s room. House enters wearing a hospital gown and carrying a metal cane.] Lee: [VO] What time is it? House: Hope you don't mind. My new roommate snores. And my new room doesn't have you. [He turns on the light.] Your MRI showed a lesion in the central pons. [Pulls out MRI film.] Lee: [VO] What is that? What does that mean? House: See it there? [He points to a spot on the film.] Lee: [VO] No. House: Mm, that's what they said. But it's there. Which means no way head trauma did this. It's cancer, causing a paraneoplastic syndrome. Unfortunately, your current doctor thinks its diffuse nature means an infection. Now the bad news is, the antivirals he's got you on might kll you. Lee: [VO] I'm not gonna die. House: But the good news is if they just almost kll you, then Dr. Idiot will realize that his name is not a coincidence and he'll let me do whatever I want. Lee: [VO] Thank you. House: See, the irony here is… you're kind of fascinating. So many questions. But if you could answer any of them, then you wouldn't be fascinating. Lee: [VO] I get it. You're a little nuts, aren't you? House: Your wife is the one getting you through this. Your wife and me. Although frankly, the MRI was a lot more useful than four hours of hand-holding. I think. Lee: [VO] If he had a wife, he’d know why it matters. House: You're a good guy. Easy to talk to. Lee: [VO] Wait, something's happening. What's happening to me? [From Lee’s point of view, everything is shaking like the room has been it by an earthquake.] House: Need some help in here! Your patient is seizing. [Cut to Molly talking to Dr. Kurtz.] Molly: Why would he have a seizure? House: Because he has cancer! Kurtz: His brain stem is compromised. Lee: [VO] Why are you still arguing with this guy? You thought I was dad. House: Welcome back. And nicely played. You almost died. [Out of side of his mouth as if he it was a secret, but at normal speaking volume.] Exactly as we planned. Molly: You knew this was going to happen? House: It usually happens when you treat cancer by pretending it's not cancer. Right, doctor? My turn? Molly: It's cancer? Kurtz: No, it isn't. Lee: [VO] Yes! House: A small tumor in his brain stem, causing paraneoplastic syndrome. He needs plasmapheresis. Molly: Can you give that to him? Kurtz: No no, I'm sorry, I completely disagree with Dr. House. Lee: [VO] Please shut up. House: I don't. Which means I can treat him. Lee: [VO] Let him. Let him. Molly: Is that what you want? [She leans in close to Lee’s face.] Lee: [VO] Absolutely. [one blink] House: Would you send up a couple of bellboys? [Cut to PPTH ER. Lee sees the ceiling, House and an EMT who are wheeling Lee in.] Cuddy: I got the transfer papers. Plasmapheresis is all set up. Are you okay? [She touches the bruise on House’s cheek.] House: Fresh infusion of macho. You like? Lee: [VO] I can't move, and she's worried about his boo-boo? Cuddy: What were you doing up there, anyway? House: Antiquing. I found you a late Victorian corset. Come by later, I'll tie you up. Lee: [VO] Is he hitting on her? [Cuddy stops to sign some papers a nurse hands her.] If she turns around, she's into him too. [She turns] And there you have it. Taub: [enters] Sorry I didn't show up in Middletown. I didn't get the message. House: Probably because there was no message. I've decided to accept your resignation. Taub: Uh, I thought we were past this. I decided to stay. House: No, you didn't. You had it decided for you. So now you're stuck here with a boss who knows that you want to be somewhere else. Which means you're no longer motivated to impress me, which means you're no longer motivated to come up with good ideas. Unless I'm wrong. Save the cheerleader. Save your world. [They reach the elevator.] I got it from here. Lee: [VO] I thought you already solved this. You thinking you might be wrong? What's going on? [House pushes for the elevator then checks his beeper, which is going off.] Wilson: [approaches] Hey, just curious… what’re you driving up to Middletown for? House: What do you care? Lee: [VO] Why does he care? Wilson: Because I'm your friend. House: I was buying a guitar. Wilson: Yeah, I heard that. It used to belong to a guitarist who died in a motorcycle accident. It just reeks of you screwing with people. Your crash was ten miles from the Orange County Progressive Pain Clinic. House: You live ten miles from Mary's Dress Shop. And yet, that's not even on my list of reasons that I think you're secretly a trnsvstite. Wilson: If you're going to another state to get more narcotics… Lee: [VO] He's on drugs? House: I went to visit your ex-ex-ex-wife… Lee: [VO] What? House: …who lives in Thompson Ridge. I let her know about the extra money you're making on the lecture circuit. So she'll be sure to adjust your alimony. Wilson: You wouldn't do that. House: Yeah. I wouldn't do that. Wilson: Would you? Lee: [VO] You guys are friends? [House pulls the gurney into the elevator.] [Cut to Lee’s room. Taub is there. Kutner enters.] Kutner: Shouldn't we be entertaining our patient? Taub: I performed Euripides with sock puppets. You just missed it. Kutner: House said we should. The mind is like a muscle. If you don't exercise it, it'll atrophy, just like anything else. Whoever's with him needs to talk. Keep his mind active. And it'll show House you still care. Taub: Not sure if I do. Lee: [VO] Jeez, you're my doctor? Kutner: Then why don't you just quit? Taub: I'm not sure I want to do that, either. Kutner: Oh. Maybe you should figure it out before House figures it out for you. Lee: [VO] Yeah, maybe you should have your midlife crisis after I'm better. Taub: Kutner… [He nods toward Lee. Kutner looks.] Kutner: We'll be right back. Lee: [VO] Wait. Wait, what did you just see? [Cut to Lee’s room a short time later. House enters with Taub.] Taub: Do you drink? House: He's a roofer. Alcohol hardly proves your theory. [Thirteen, Foreman and Kutner are on the other side of the bed. House and Taub must have blocked Lee’s view of their entrance.] Thirteen: Marchiafava bignami disease fits. Foreman: LFT's are normal. Lee: [VO] Speak English. Is it fixable? What does that mean? [Thirteen starts bending Lee’s wrist back and forth.] That hurts. Thirteen: No tremors. Foreman: How much do you drink? A six-pack a day? Lee: [VO] I hate beer, I don't even drink beer. Thirteen: Could mean he drinks more or less, or maybe something else. Kutner: It may not be alcohol at all. Street opiates could also cause locked-in… Lee: [VO] I don't get high. Kutner: …MPPP. House: Either we play 20,000 questions with every street drug, or instead of talking to him, we talk to the lesion. Lee: [VO] Talk to me. Taub: We're going to biopsy the brain stem? House: For the record, that doesn't count as your inspired idea. It's sort of where I was heading. Lee: [VO] You're going to cut into my head? Why? Stop treating me like a piece of furniture! I have a right to know what's going on! [They all leave. House slides the door closed behind him.] [Cut to Thirteen’s hand. She’s wearing gloves, cuffed down. Her bracelet lies on top of the cuff. She’s holding a tube.] Lee: [VO] Where's that going? Thirteen: Blood in your urine clogged up your old catheter. Lee: [VO] Peeing blood? That must be what the insecure doctor saw. [She starts changing the catheter] Ahhhhhhh. Thirteen: Every new clue gets us closer to the answer. Lee: [VO] Damn it. Thirteen: The surgery will get us more clues. [She flushes out the new tube with a syringe of saline.] You have visitors. [Molly is at the door with Drake and Jolie.] Lee: [VO] No. Oh, Molly. Thirteen: You can come in. Jolie: Daddy! Drake: Daddy! Lee: [VO] I told you not to bring them. Molly: Well, they wanted to see their father. Lee: [VO] I can't even hug them. Molly: They can handle it. It's going to be all right. Lee: [VO] You're not so sure anymore, are you? They must've told you that it's dangerous. That I could die. And that's why you brought them in here. [Molly helps Jolie take her backpack off and takes some papers out of it while Drake pulls his test results from his backpack.] Drake: I got an A+ on my test. Lee: [VO] To see me before I die. Drake: I love you, Daddy. Lee: [VO] Daddy loves you too. Jolie: I want to show you my drawings. Lee: [VO] Kids just want a dad. Even if he's just a lump. Thirteen: Maybe you should go now. Lee: [VO] Oh, no. They can stay, please. Let them stay. Jolie: Bye, Daddy. Drake: [after a pause] Bye, Daddy. [Molly, near tears, herds them out.] Thirteen: Sorry. You were crying. Lee: [VO] Damn. [Cut to OR] Chase: We're going to put you out, just so we can drill the hole. Lee: [VO] Oh, that's very thoughtful of you. Chase: Then we'll wake you back up. We need you to answer some simple yes or no questions while we're cutting, to make sure we're not cutting anything… Lee: [VO] It seems to be working. Chase: Deep breaths. In about ten seconds, you'll feel lightheaded. And by now… you should be floating… [Cut to the beach. Lee is laughing and running around with the kids. They run ahead. Suddenly, House is next to Lee.] Lee: How come I'm not better? God's not supposed to work in trial and error. House: God's mistakes are well-documented. If he'd done everything right the first time, there'd have been one plague and zero great floods. Lee: Those were because of human mistakes. House: You think your doctor has an apartment on Mount Olympus? Lee: God put me with you for a reason. I'm gonna be all right still, right? House: [pause] I don't know. [Lee watches the kids running far ahead. They’re by the waterline.] [Cut to OR] Chase: Lee. You with me now? Easy questions. You'll be done before you know it. Is this equation correct? [He holds up a card with “2+2=5” on it. Blink, blink.] Lee: [VO] What, so if you make a mistake, I'm not going to know that anymore? Chase: Are these lines parallel? [Another card. Blink.] Spatial relationships intact. Take a look at this circle. Is more than half of it shaded? Lee: [VO] Of course. [The circle is three-quarters shaded. Lee doesn’t blink.] Chase: Don't forget to blink. Is more than half of the circle shaded? Lee: [VO] Sorry, yes. Chase: Look at me, Lee. Again. Is more than half of this circle shaded? Lee: [VO] Blink. Come on, Lee, blink. Chase: Foreman, back out. Lee: [VO] Why can't I blink? Why can't I blink? [Cut to the recovery room. The camera is looking at Lee rather than from his point of view. He is totally expressionless and motionless. House is checks his eyes with a flashlight and Foreman puts eye drops in.] Molly: Why aren't his eyes moving? House: Two options: My neurologist screwed up, or else something the hospital lawyer's going to have to come up with when you sue us. Foreman: Blinking and eye movements are controlled by a small cluster of nerves just millimeters from the biopsy site. Molly: But he's still in there, right? I mean, he just can't communicate? House: It's possible. Also possible is that the surgery caused so much swelling in his brain stem, that he's just gone. [Cut to hallway. House bursts through a door, followed by Foreman.] House: He had one way to communicate and now that's gone. Well played. Foreman: Brain biopsy revealed severe damage to the myelin sheath. Question is, why? Taub: Epstein-Barr, picornaviruses, malaria. Kutner: He runs a business, meets a lot of people he could've picked up rotavirus. House: Did he report having bloody diarrhea? Thirteen: The wife's not sure, says he doesn't complain. House: Did you ask him? Thirteen: We've prioritized. He can only blink, a real history would've taken weeks. House: If he had Epstein-Barr, he'd have belly pains. If he had picornavirus, he'd have headaches. Five other yes/no questions, and maybe we'd know what treatment to give. And what treatment would kll him. Unless he's already dad. Taub: Maybe there's another way. [Cut to Lee’s room. Taub is adjusting a band with electrodes on Lee’s head.] Taub: Brain computer interface… better known as BCI. The goal is to get you to move that cursor with your mind. When you think "up" the computer records the pattern. Think "up" enough times, it eventually learns what you're thinking. So… start thinking "up." [Time lapse. Taub adjusts the IV and checks the monitor. Later he drinks some water and checks the monitor. Later still he sits at the foot of the bed. Next he puts eye drops in Lee’s eyes.] Taub: You in there? Are you trying? [He sighs and sits down. The monitor shows the cursor in exactly the same position as it was when Lee was first hooked up.] [Cut to House’s office. He’s reading. Wilson enters.] Wilson: I called the ex-ex-ex-wife. She was at a sweat lodge in New Mexico last week. What were you really doing in New York? House: You know how you hate it when I meddle in your lies? I mean your life. Wilson: Why are you being so evasive? Unless you have something to evade. House: Interesting. This has nothing to do with you, your ex-wife, or my pain. I was heading to the Downstate Correctional Facility in Fishkill. Wilson: One of your hookers arrange a conjugal visit? House: It's where Foreman's brother is being held. [Wilson looks surprised.] [Cut to Lee’s room. Taub looks like he’s spent the whole night there.] Taub: This is going to mean months of sleepless nights, wondering if I could've done something differently. Maybe it's not that I'm sick of House. It's that I'm sick of being scared out of my mind to go to work every day. Sorry. [He gets up to leave. There’s a beep. He turns back.] Did that just… Was that you? [There’s another beep as the cursor moves up.] [Cut to Taub bringing Molly into the room. She sits next to Lee.] Molly: Are you really in there? [She turns to see the cursor go up as it beeps.] I knew you were in there. Lee: [VO] I was scared. Molly: Thank God. Lee: [VO] I am scared. Molly, I love you so much. [Cut to the team at Lee’s bedside. House is doing the patient history.] House: Have you had any bloody diarrhea in the last two weeks? [There’s a “no” beep that’s lower in tone than the previous ones.] Kutner: Rotavirus out. House: Any recent joint pain? Thirteen: Epstein-Barr's out. Taub: Have you traveled out of the country lately? [“No” beep as the cursor goes down on the screen.] Kutner: What about inside the country? [“No” beep] Molly: He was in St. Louis. [“Yes” beep] House: Good. Could be Missouri malaria. Let's start treatment. [“No” beep] Molly: He was… he was there. The machine must not be working. House: Hmmm. Either that or he lied to you about it. People do that sometimes. For example, I just lied to him about Missouri malaria. Molly: Did you go to St. Louis? Lee: [VO] I should've told you. Why didn't I just tell you? Down. [“No” beep] [Cut to Lee’s room, later. Molly is gone. The camera is showing Lee’s point of view again. House is in his face, literally.] House: When you weren't in St. Louis for two days, I assume you were getting some strange for two days. Lee: [VO] So does she. [“No” beep] You have to tell her I wasn't. House: Amazing. A man who only has two blips at his disposal can still lie. Lee: [VO] I'm not lying. House: If you were getting some really strange strange, you could've contracted neurosyphilis. Infection went to your brain, froze you right up. Good news is it's treatable. You'll be up and moving in time to sign the divorce papers. Lee: [VO] Why would I tell you the truth about being in St. Louis, [“No” beep] and then not tell you the truth about this? Taub: He just admitted he wasn't in St. Louis in front of his wife, and you think he's lying when she's not even in here? Lee: [VO] I'm liking this one more and more. Don't fre him. House: Were you out of the state? Lee: [VO] I never left. [“No” beep] House: Were you within 20 miles of your house? Lee: [VO] Yes. [“Yes” beep] [The camera pulls in for close up of Lee’s eye which turns into a satellite image of the earth. As the camera zooms closer and closer to the planet, House continues the questions.] House: [VO] Were you within five miles? Lee: [VO] Yes. House: [VO] Within two miles? [House and Lee are in a suburban yard. They stand still but the camera keeps circling, showing them superimposed on a variety of backgrounds.] Lee: Yes. House: Did you stay at a hotel? [They’re in a downtown commercial area, The camera circles, showing various buildings.] Lee: No. House: You had to sleep somewhere. Your car? [They’re in a parking lot.] Lee: [VO] No. House: A friend's house? [They’re on a suburban street. Lee nods as he answers.] Lee: Yes. Yes. House: That narrows it down, depending on how popular you are. Tell the wife to stop crying, get in here. [Molly enters the picture as the camera continues to circle around all three of them on the suburban street.] He says that when he was supposed to be in St. Louis, he was staying at a friend's house. Molly: Really. [She crosses her arms and glares at Lee.] Lee: Yes. House: Let's assume that you believe him for the moment. Name your friends within two miles. Molly: Martin and Kim's? Lee: No. House: Guess someone who doesn't have a wife. Molly: Dave? Lee: Yes. House: Got an address? [Cut to Dave’s basement. Taub and Kutner have just arrived.] Taub: If this is where he got sick, someone else here should have symptoms. Kutner: Not if Lee was the only one coming down to the basement. Taub: Furnace is rusty, but no gas leaks. Kutner: Resumes and cover letters here… some are weeks old. He's been spending time here for a while. [Lee is sitting on the bed in a corner. Molly stands next to him.] Lee: Business wasn't going good. I didn't want you and the kids to worry. I was trying to protect you. [He stands] Molly… I wish you could hear me. I wish I could make all of this better. Kutner: Looks like he temped a few times. As a janitor. Factory out on Route 10. [Cut to the factory. Lee is sweeping up. Taub and Kutner walk past him.] Taub: Factory foreman says they make rechargeable batteries. Mostly for cell phones. Kutner: Big step down from running your own business, to sweeping up. Lee: Doing what I had to do. Kutner: [taking a sample from the floor] Metal filings. Judging by the color, I'd say cadmium. Taub: Which he'd aerosolize with the broom, then right into his lungs. Heavy metal poisoning explains everything. [They walk out. Lee continues sweeping up.] [Cut to Lee’s room. Taub puts Lee’s eye drops in.] Taub: The chelation will scrub the heavy metals out of your blood. If we are right about the cause, we should see some movement in about a day or so. Lee: [VO] Can't put this thing on turbo? I'm getting a little anxious in here. Taub: Somebody will be here at all times to uh, irrigate our eyes, keep you company. Hopefully, it'll help make the time go quicker. Lee: [VO] My eyes still feel really dry. Taub: Thank you… for thinking "up." For helping me find you in there. Man, when you moved that cursor… [He smiles.] [Fade to Foreman keeping Lee company.] Foreman: Bought my first girlfriend a necklace. It was silver. It cost 180 bucks… had to save for six months. She hated it. Lee: [VO] Really, seriously? Did you tell this story to someone who could walk away? Foreman: Never bought another girlfriend jewelry again. Until Dr. Hadley. Lee: [VO] You're dating her? You might want to start all your stories with that. Foreman: Same thing. She didn't even wear it. Lee: The diamond thing? She was wearing it the other day. Foreman: If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. Apparently, I suck at picking out jewelry, but least have the guts to tell me. Lee: Okay, getting boring again. How long till we know if this treatment is working? [Cut to Molly by the bedside.] Molly: You lied to me. Lee: I wasn't having an affair. Molly: So we needed money. Who cares? Lee: Last time business was slow, you got migraines every day. Molly: Why would you do that to me? Lee: I'm sorry, I was… I was stupid. I was… don't go! Don't! [She leaves.] Damn it, somebody… put "I'm sorry" on this stupid computer. My eye is klling me. [With no one for Lee to look at, the camera switches from his point of view and shows him lying there like a lump.] [Cut to House’s office. Taub enters.] Taub: I want to keep my job. House: Great. All you gotta do is come up with a good idea. Taub: How about we hook the guy's brain to a computer, so he can communicate? House: That's a great idea. For the guy who invented the computer that can read minds. Your idea was to use his idea. Taub: You didn't come up with it. No one else came up with it. If I didn't re-establish communication, we never would have found — House: What's interesting is why you're here now. Not when I gave you the ultimatum. Was it something the patient said? Taub: I realized that what we do here… terrifies me. And… overcoming that is the only way I can matter. House: Kutner found the battery factory. Kutner came up with the cadmium. Maybe you don't matter. [House turns away. Taub leaves.] [Cut to Lee’s room. Foreman is there. Thirteen enters.] Thirteen: I'm going to close your eyes so you can get some sleep. Hopefully, when you wake up, we'll see some improvement. Lee: [VO] Hope that includes my eye feeling better. [She looks at him closely.] Thirteen: [to Foreman] Hand me the flourescein stain. Lee: [VO] What's that mean? Thirteen: Epithelium looks torn. These drops sting. Lee: [VO] Ow! Thirteen: I'm going to close your left eye to keep it protected. I'm going to blink your eye a few times to distribute the dye. [She does and then looks at his eye through a lens.] Ulcerative keratitis. Foreman: Means it's not cadmium poisoning. Lee: [VO] Which means you don't know what's wrong. Again. [Cut to House’s office. He is studying the white board which has “Locked-In,” Kidney Fail” and “Ulcerative Keratitis” on it. Cameron enters, carrying a medical kit.] Cameron: When's the last time you changed that dressing? [She reaches him and makes a face.] Judging by the smell of it, I'd say never. House: [sticks his arm out without looking away from the white board] He's locked-in, his kidneys blew a fuse, and now his eye is oozing puss. Cameron: I assume you went over all of that with your team. I also assume they didn't have any brilliant ideas, or you wouldn't still be muttering to yourself. This is going to hurt. [She pulls off the old bandage.] House: Ow! [He looks at the bruise on his elbow for a minute then returns to the white board.] The way he's losing his myelin makes an infection most likely. Could be varicella — Cameron: Road debris has come to the surface. I'm going to have to scrub it out. House: But the initial acyclovir would've treated that. Which pushes me towards an autoimmune disease. Like Behcet's. Cameron: Here… this is going to hurt even more. [She gives him a paper cup with pills in it.] Take two now, two later. House: [He empties the cup into his mouth.] Oops. [She scrubs the bruise.] Ho! Of course, if the varicella was resistant, it wouldn't matter what they did up in Middletown. Cameron: Do an LP. House: You've been in the ER too long. When the patient had head trauma, white blood cells only indicate that he had head trauma. Cameron: Or you could use the LP for something useful. If you find polys, it's varicella. Lymphs, Behcet's. House: Why did I fre you again? Cameron: You didn't. I quit. [She finishes and rolls his sleeve down.] [Cut to cafeteria at night. Wilson sits down at House’s table.] Wilson: You weren't visiting Foreman's brother, either. House: Busy. Kutner's doing an LP, so I have to focus. Wilson: I had prison security check visitor logs, phone records. You've never had any contact with anyone at Fishkill. So, I ask again… What were you doing up in Middletown? House: You know what's more interesting than what I was doing? The reason you are so obsessed with what I was doing. Wilson: Stop deflecting, House. House: Says the deflector. The reason I was up there is the reason you're scared I was up there. I was checking out your dirty, little secret. How long have you been sleeping with her? Wilson: How… how did you know? House: Your only secrets are the girls you find embarrassing. And the only embarrassing girl you've met recently is the one at your brother's cuckoo facility. Wilson: We've only been out a few times. House: She's a caregiver. Like all of your other failed exes. And someone who takes care of your brother. Who was the last person who took care of your brother? Wilson: [laughs] You think this is Oedipal? House: Actually, I was thinking masturbatory, but I guess your mom took care of him first. So, the safe course is to gouge your eyes out. [House leaves. Wilson plants his face in his hands.] [Cut to Lee’s room. Foreman is there.] Foreman: LP stands for lumbar puncture. We use this needle to collect fluid from your spine. Lee: [VO] That's a really big needle. Foreman: You're going to feel some extreme pressure in your back. Lee: [VO] I already feel pressure in my front… my chest hurts. Foreman: …your chest, sort of in the fetal position. Lee: [VO] Something's wrong. Foreman: …the best angle into your spine. Lee: [VO] No, my chest! Something's wrong. I think I'm hav… Foreman: Pull the needle out. Lee: [VO] Oh, God! I’m flatlining. Foreman: [looking at Lee’s face] Call a code. [Kutner is charging up the defibrillator.] [Cut to the beach. Lee is lying on the sand almost in the position for an LP.] Lee: There is no God. You don't know what's wrong with me. House: [sitting in a beach chair] It doesn't seem that way. Lee: So am I dad? House: Not yet. [pause as medical monitor can be heard beeping] But you're about to be. Lee: Okay. [Cut to Lee’s room.] Kutner: Charging… clear. Again… clear. Foreman: He's back. Lee: [VO] No. No. Let me go. He can't fix me. I've been here for three days, everything hurts. House: [simultaneously, almost inaudibly] The arrest means the demyelination ht the area in his brainstem that controls heart rhythm. We need answers fast, ‘cause this is going to happen again. Kutner: We need to get him started on steroids. Lee: [VO] It's okay, just… just… House: Not without the results of the LP. Lee: [VO] …stop fighting. [He sees Molly in the hallway.] She's got to go on with her life. The kids don't need this. I can't do nothing for them… I can't… scratch this foot… Wow, that really, really itches. [House, Kutner and Foreman have been arguing about the treatment in the background. Suddenly what they are saying can be heard.] Foreman: So we should try — Kutner: So we put in a temporary pacer, it’s not gonna — House: Shut up, shut up. [Lee’s computer is beeping “no,” “yes,” “no,” “yes.”] He's trying to talk. [“Yes” beep] Is something bothering you? [“Yes” beep] Foreman: If there's still tightness in your chest, it's expected. [“No” beep] Kutner: Is it your eye? [“No, no, no” beeps] Foreman: Why is he saying "no" three times? You only asked one question. Kutner: Maybe he's not saying "no," maybe he's saying "down." [“Yes” beep] Are you saying that the pain is lower? [“Yes” beep] How low, your leg? [“No” beep] Your foot? [“Yes” beep] House: Left foot? [“No” beep] Check his… let me see now… yeah, his right foot. Foreman: No bruises, no rashes, no cuts. House: Then there should be no pain. Is it a tingling sensation? [“No” beep] Is it itching? [“Yes” beep] [Cut to the hallway. The entire team is following House.] House: Itchy foot means liver failure. Taub: The liver's fine. His enzymes have been normal since we admitted him. House: I didn't say "failing," I said "failure." Just like you. Liver's like a cruise ship taking on water. As it starts to sink, it sends out an S.O.S. Only instead of radio waves, it uses enzymes. The more enzymes in the blood, the worse the liver is. And once the ship has sunk, there's no more S.O.S. You think the liver's fine, but it's already at the bottom of the sea. Thirteen: So dying liver released toxins, damaged the nerves, led to locked-in syndrome. House: Now we just need to know what's causing the liver failure. Foreman: Liver, plus eye, plus kidney… most likely sclerosing cholangitis. House: Oh, God, if only Taub had said that, it would've been a happy ending. Do a biopsy to confirm. [He leaves. Taub, tight-faced, follows Thirteen in the other direction.] [Cut to Lee’s room. Thirteen, Taub, Kutner and Foreman are there.] Taub: I'm going to numb up the area where we'll go in for the punch biopsy. Kutner: Where's the new bracelet? Foreman: She was wearing the bracelet? Thirteen: You didn't notice that I was wearing it? Foreman: Because you weren't. Thirteen: He noticed, and you didn't? Foreman: If you don't like it, it's fine. It's not a big deal. Thirteen: I like it, that's the point. I'd rather have it at home in the jewelry box than getting peed on at work. Kutner: You got the patient's urine on that arm? Thirteen: When I was putting in the catheter. Why? Kutner: You've got a rash. Foreman: The bracelet's real. Kutner: I figured. So what if the rash isn't just a rash? What if it's an infection? If there were rats in that basement, then the liver failure could be caused by leptospirosis. It transfers through urine. Rat pee to him, his pee to you. The infection would need an entry point. Look for any recent scratches, cuts. [They start inspecting Lee.] Taub: Look. Next to his fingernail. Kutner: The infection destroyed your liver, which released toxins that caused the locked-in syndrome. You were dying of a paper cut. Lee: [VO] I hope you're right this time. Kutner: Let’s start him on high dose penicillin G. [Cut to Lee’s room later.] Kutner: We found rats in your buddy Dave's basement. Tested positive for leptospirosis. That means we're on the right treatment. So… try moving a finger. Your brain needs to get used to doing its job again. Try harder. I'm sure you've lost hope. I know we've told you several times that we knew what this was, but this time we're right. Concentrate. Move one finger for me. [Lee’s right forefinger moves. Kutner smiles and raises Lee’s hand so he can see his finger moving.] Welcome back. Lee: [VO] I did it. [Cut to locker room] House: Rat pee. Very nice idea. Who came up with it? Taub: I did. [Kutner nods slightly at him.] House: Good. [Taub leaves.] You okay with him claiming the credit? Kutner: It was his idea. He saw the rash — House: If he did, he'd have hung a "mission accomplished" banner in my outer office. Kutner: Don't toy with him. If you're going to fre him — House: The fact that he stole your idea means that he cares enough to lie. That's all I needed to know. Rat pee. That's a very nice idea. [Cut to House walking down the hallway. Wilson catches up with him.] Wilson: House. You left this in my office. [He hands House a cell phone.] House: No, I didn't. So either I have a hole in my pocket — Wilson: Oh, that's right I remember now, I stole it. Because if you had gone up there to check out my girlfriend, you wouldn't have come back here and lied to me about it. You would've thrown her right in my face. House: You underestimate the entertainment value of your obsessions. Wilson: And then there were all those calls you weren't taking in front of me. [House stops and turns to look at Wilson.] So I dialed the number of the calls you weren't taking. You're seeing a psychiatrist. [House turns and walks off quickly.] [Cut to Lee’s room. Molly is there. House enters, followed by Wilson.] House: You had no right to invde my privacy. [He reaches under Lee’s pillow and pulls out a recorder out.] Wilson: Is… is that…? House: Yeah. It's irony. [Lee flops his arm over to touch House. He speaks very slowly.] Lee: Hey. God sent you. House: Suddenly, you're not so fascinating. [He leaves.] [Cut to House and Wilson walking down the hallway.] Wilson: You're spying on your team. House: Prioritize, Wilson. Is that what you really want to trture me about right now? Wilson: I don't want to trture you at all. I think this is a great thing. Not something you have to drive an hour out of town to shroud in mystery. House: Yeah. Whining on someone's couch. That's an excellent use of my time. Maybe I'll discover that my childhood wasn't perfect. Wilson: So your attitude about therapy clearly hasn't changed. And yet you went. Which leads me to believe that maybe something else has changed. [The stop by the elevator.] Maybe you think you can change. Credit Cuddy with that. House: Not much credit to take, because I'm not going back. Wilson: Oh, House, please… I assume you went because you're tired of screwing up every chance you get at happiness. House: [fiddling with his phone] Delete contact. Wilson: Do not let the fact that I found out about it — House: Don't b*at yourself up. I'm not going back because it doesn't work. [He enters the elevator and pushes the key to confirm the delete.] Wilson: You'll end up alone. [The elevator door closes between them.] [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x19 - Locked In"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on the view from a plane flying over some trees. People are singing “This Land is Your Land” loudly and very, very out of tune. There is a clearing. An enormous dump truck has “The only clean is green” written on the dust on its windshield. Protesters are sitting against the side of the truck. Their heads don’t even reach halfway up the tires. A chain joins the protesters. It runs across each one’s lap and through large black tubes. Their arms, up to the elbows, are also in the tubes. A sheet with the message “What would mother nature do?” is hanging on the side of the truck. Another truck with protesters can be seen in the background. The police have formed a line in front of the protesters. On the other side of the line is a crowd, many wearing hard hats, shouting at the protesters.] Man in Crowd: You made your point. Now how about letting us do our jobs? Doug: Our point will be made when your company stops tearing down this mountain. Second Man: Then who’s gonna feed our kids? You? Doug: If you really cared about your kids, you’d want them to have air to breathe when they grow up. Second Man: What’d you say, you son of a bitch? Susan: You guys aren’t the problem. You’re being hurt more than anyone. You breathe in that coal dust. Doug: Coal is the dirtiest energy on earth. [Someone in the crowd throws a large rock. It bounces off the tire rim.] Policeman: Gonna need some backup. Doug: Not enough for you thugs to asault the environment? Susan: Doug. Please, don’t. [She begins to wobble then falls over.] Doug: Susan? Susan! You okay? Policeman 2: [checking Susan out] She needs to get to a hospital. Doug: She’s just dehydrated. We have medics here. Let ‘em give her fluids. Policeman 2: She has no pulse. Either unhook your arm, or I’m gonna break it off. Either way, this protest is over. Man in Crowd: The protest is over now! [Crowd yells “it’s over.”] Doug: [pauses] All right. [He pulls his arm from the pipe. The loose piece of chain is tied to his wrist. They faked being chained together.] [Policeman 2 takes a canteen and sprinkles water on Susan’s face.] Susan: What happened? Policeman 2: You passed out. It’s okay. Just dehydrated. Doug: ;You know we’ll be back. [He stands and yells to the crowd.] We’ll be back! [He falls to his knees, prompting cheers and applause from the crowd. Everything seems to be out of focus and moving in slow motion. Doug totters to his feet.] Policeman 2: Hey, stop screwing around. Doug: I’m not… screwing around. I just can’t… [He falls again.] I can’t stand up. [Opening credits] [Cut to Cameron, in street clothes, approaching the OR suite. Chase, in scrubs. is inside, talking to someone. She taps on the window and he comes out.] Cameron: I need to push back our getaway. Chase: No you don’t. Found you a board. Perfect size to learn on. Cameron: I’m just postponing. O’Neill from Philly General wants me to get a patient in to see House. Chase: So? Cameron I owe him a favor. He’s taken about a dozen of my referrals over the last year. Chase: I meant so, that’s five seconds to hand House the file, 30 for him to question your real motives, a minute for witty comments comparing the length of your legs to Thirteen’s… Plenty of time left over for the shore. Cameron: I need to make sure he doesn’t toss the file in the trash as soon as I’m out of sight. Chase: Babe, can’t you repay the favor on another case? After last week, I could really use a break from this place. We both could. Cameron: Once I’m sure he’s really on the case, then we’re out of here. And these legs and every other part of me will be all yours. [She kisses him and leaves.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.] Cameron: He’s seen three different specialists. House: Interesting. Almost as interesting as you trying to step into Kutner’s shoes just days after he stepped out of them. Cameron: I am not shoe shopping. I’m just trying to repay a favor to his referring doctor. Thirteen: What’s the mystery? The nutcase spends all his free time wreaking havoc at toxic waste dumps. Cameron: Tox screen’s negative. No neurological, muscular or cardiovascular abnormalities. Foreman: The guy cares about the environment. That makes him a nutcase? Taub: He’s a single guy in his 20s. He cares about getting his hybrid waxed by girls who care about the environment. Foreman: See? Not a nutcase. [Thirteen smiles at him.] Taub: He’s probably just faking so he can sue the cops and get a six-figure settlement. Cameron: If he was trying to fake an illness, why would he consent to be seen by the best diagnostician in the country? House: Now who’s trying to get her hybrid waxed? We need to do a vestibular caloric test. See if the balance problem starts above or below the neck. [The team starts to get up.] And when I say “we,” I mean “you.” You’re the one with the favor to repay, not them. [Cut to Doug’s room.] Cameron: I’m going to be injecting ice water in your ear canal. If the resulting eye movements are at all erratic, then the balance problem is in your inner ear. Doug: [looking at a vase with two flowers in it] Those in every room? Cameron: I think so. Doug: Can you get rid of them? Preferably from every room. They use over 30 pesticides to grow commercial flowers. You’d think the medical industry would be a lot more — Cameron: Concerned with medicine? Let’s fix your body. Then you can go back to fixing the earth. This is gonna get a little uncomfortable. [She squirts the water in his ear.] Doug: I just spent 14 hours chained to a tire. Cameron: Most doctors would recommend — Doug: Our planet’s headed for destruction. Coastlines under water. A million species extinct. Whoa. [He straightens up] Feels like I’m tumbling head over heels. Cameron: That’s normal. Sometimes this test causes vertigo [He turns toward Cameron and vomits] and nausea. [Cut to cafeteria. Wilson is studying the menu board.] House: Cameron just brought me a case. Wilson: Cameron is happy in the ER. There’s no way she wants her nose back on your grindstone. [he orders] Egg white omelet, no bacon, whole wheat toast. House: I say it’s not my grindstone she’s after. And not her nose she wants on it. She and Chase are practically living together. What did you just order? Wilson: An omelet. House: Since when do you pass on the swine? And wheat toast? Might as well eat a sheet of sandpaper. Wilson: Yes. But I don’t like eating the same thing two days in a row. House: Your bro’s nurse not lovin’ the love handles? Wilson: I’m just not in the mood for bacon. And you’re obviously trying to avoid talking about Kutner. Which is odd, because you spent a whole week obsessing about why — House: He’s no longer on my team. I’m sorry he’s no longer on my team. Nothing else to talk about. Wilson: You’re wearing the watch he gave you for Secret Santa. House: [displaying the watch] Five functions, including a stopwatch to time how long it takes you to ask me if I’m okay. Wilson: You gonna order? House: Not hungry. [He takes a Vicodin.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room] Taub: It’s just weird. She’s brought cases before but he’s never made her run the tests. Thirteen: Maybe he’s looking for someone to mother him after what happened. Foreman: The only kind of mothering House wants involves a bullwhip, leather diapers and a credit card. [Cameron can be seen through the blinds, walking quickly down the hall] Taub: Mommy’s home. [The stand up] [Cut to House’s office as Cameron enters] Cameron: Test made the patient lose his lunch. But his calorics are normal. His inner ear is fine and he still can’t balance himself. Taub: How many normal test results do we need to know the patient’s a granola-filled phony? Cameron: He’s not lying about his symptoms. Taub: And you know this because — House: She changed her shoes. If he was faking, he’d have vomited on the other side of the bed. Foreman: Sparring with the police and chaining yourself up for days can cause stress. Stress screws with the heart and arteries. Carotid atherosclerosis could cause a loss of balance. Cameron: Wouldn’t show up on a CT or MRI. Thirteen: Could also be our only warning before a massive stroke. House: Do a Holter and a carotid Doppler. See if his heart skips for more than the spotted owl. [The team turns to leave] Although I didn’t say “we.” If I had… {Cameron leaves instead.] [Cut to Doug’s room. Cameron is doing the Doppler. He hiccups.] Doug: Sorry if this is screwing up the test. Been hiccupping a lot lately but… [hic] not as bad as this. Cameron: How much is “a lot” and how long is “lately”? Doug: It’s been on and off for about a week. Maybe a few hours a day. Cameron: Did you tell the doctors in Philly about it? Doug: They didn’t seem to think it was any big deal. [She stops the test.] [Cut to hallway. Chase intercepts Cameron.] Chase: Hey, so we’re still leaving tomorrow, aren’t we? Cameron: I’m not sure. The referring doctors didn’t realize that his hiccups were — Chase: Hiccups? Cameron: With this duration and intensity, most likely pathological, and it could mean it’s serious. Chase: Are you avoiding me? Cameron: No. Chase: So I shouldn’t be at all concerned that you’re treating another doctor’s patient for hiccups instead of going on a vacation I spent a week planning. [awkward pause] Cameron: There is a reason I need to stay with this case a while longer, but I can’t tell you what it is. Chase: So you admit you lied to me. And now you’re asking me to trust you? Cameron: Yes. Chase: [thinks] Okay. [Cut to Cameron and House walking in the hallway toward Diagnostics] Cameron: No sight of heart or arterial problems but he’s been hiccupping on and off for over a week. House: Nice. I’m hooked. You can get back to your shift at the ER. Except, as far as the ER is concerned, you’re on vacation, right? Cameron: I postponed a trip because I’m concerned about the patient. House: Explains why you ditched Chase and came to differentials, not why you ran the tests. Cameron: You told me to. House: Well, I’m not your boss, as you usually take great pleasure in pointing out. Hey, you don’t still have the hots for me, do you? Cameron: I care about the patient and I care about the people who work on your team. They’ve been through a lot lately. I just thought I — House: Was Florence Nightingale. Yeah. You’re gonna nurse us back to spiritual and mental oneness. That would make sense if we were having this conversation a week ago. Cameron: Think what you want — that I’m here to get a job, that I’m here to wrap you in swaddling clothes. House: The problem is, I think neither. Because neither makes sense. The only thing that does… doesn’t. [She walks into the Diagnostics Conference Room] Cameron: Pathological hiccups plus inability to balance. Go. [Taub looks slightly confused at her attempted takeover. House enters.] House: What she said. Thirteen: Brain would connect the two. House: It could, if Cameron hadn’t already CT’d his head. Empty as her boyfriend’s calendar. Taub: What does this have to do with Chase? Cameron: Nothing. House: [at the same time] Not sure yet. Cameron: Patient is on a Jihad against commercial flowers. He’s picketed several nurseries. Organophosphate poisoning can cause both hiccups and — Foreman: No GI problems. No hyper-salivation. Taub: It’s possible it’s not connected to a protest. MS wouldn’t show on the CT and his name’s Swenson. Scandinavians have an increased susceptibility to MS. House: Better theory than he’s faking it. The clogs have it. Do a lumbar puncture to confirm MS. [House and Cameron stare at each other. Thirteen looks between the two of them.] Thirteen: I guess we’ll just continue to twiddle our thumbs. House: God, I hope that’s a euphemism. Cameron: How am I supposed to do a lumbar puncture on a patient with intractable hiccups? House: I’m trying to figure out what that could be a euphemism for. [Taub sighs] You’ll find a way. [Cameron sighs] [Cut to Doug’s room. Foreman is holding him down, on his side while Cameron performs the lumbar puncture.] Cameron: You’re not worried House is gonna be pissed you’re helping me do the test? Foreman: He said find a way. And you did. [She swabs povidone on Scott’s back] Cameron: How do you think House is doing? Foreman: That why you’re here? Cameron: Yeah. Foreman: No it isn’t. Even if House was messed up by Kutner’s su1c1de, it wouldn’t matter. He already thinks life is nasty, brutish and long. And misery helps his diagnostic skills. All of which you know so… Why are you here? Cameron: Which answer would you believe? Foreman: If you want Kutner’s place, it’s fine with me. I could use someone else with the stones to stand up to House. But you’ve gotta know it’s gonna blow up your relationship with Chase. Cameron: All I did was postpone a three-day trip. Foreman: With Chase. To be with House. [Doug hiccups just as Cameron was about to insert the LP needle. She puts it down.] Foreman (continues): What are you doing? Cameron: Ordering IV chlorpromazine. Foreman: This could still be neurological. You could cloud his mental status. Cameron: You wanna get the needle in his spine or you wanna talk? [Foreman sighs and lets go of Doug.] [Cut to the Clinic. Cuddy is at the desk. Chase enters.] Chase: You and House been talking about filling Kutner’s slot? Cuddy: Yeah. We went straight from the funeral to Human Resources. You interested in getting back on the team? Chase: I’m interested in knowing if Cameron’s interested. She’s been running all the tests for House’s case. Cuddy: Well, she hasn’t said anything to me. But I guess, uh, the referring doctor might have asked her to keep an eye on him. Chase: Do you think Cameron’s in love with House? Cuddy: That is a ridiculous question. She’s in love with you. Chase: Are you in love with House? Cuddy: That… is an even more ridiculous question. Chase: Two questions. Zero answers. Think I can extrapolate from there. [He leaves] [Cut to an open refrigerator. House is going through it. He pulls out a container with “J. Wilson” on the top. As he opens it to sniff what’s inside, a door closing can be heard.] Franni: Dr. House? House: Sorry, I’m just the Zone delivery guy. Franni: I’m, uh, Doug Swenson’s wife. House: His history said the environmental kamikaze was single. Franni: He, um, he probably didn’t want me to worry. He told me he was in jail with some of the other protesters. House: Yeah. No worries there. Franni: He’s in jail a lot. Not so often in the hospital. I searched his e-mail and I found the referral to you yesterday. House: You must really love your husband and travel by rickshaw. It only took you 18 hours go get here. [He puts a forkful of Wilson’s lunch in his mouth and makes a very disgusted face.] Who eats kale? It’s so bland it doesn’t even taste like kale. Franni: Uh, I had to find somebody to take care of our four-year-old son. Doug’s all right, isn’t he? House: I have no idea. I know he’s and idiot. And now I’ve learned that he’s a liar. So we’re making a — [As he gets ready to toss Wilson’s lunch in the trash, he stops and stares at it.] Who told you I was in here? Franni: The doctor in the office next to yours said that you might be here. [House looks at the lunch container again. Then he opens the trash can and dumps it.] [Cut to Doug’s room. He’s unconscious. Cameron and Forman are about to do the lumbar puncture. House enters. Franni enters a minute or so later.] House: I got it figured out. Foreman: That mean we don’t need to do the LP. House: [indicating Cameron] I was talking to her. You’re not even supposed to be here. Cameron: You want us to stop or not? House: What? Oh, I don’t care what you do with him. You’re not doing a favor for a doctor in Philly. You’re doing a favor for an oncologist in North Jersey. Cameron: I’m spying on you for Wilson? House: Spying, preemptive grief counseling. Cameron: Wilson sees you ten times more than I do. He’s a better liar and he wouldn’t have to cancel a vacation to do it. House: Good points. Also doesn’t explain the diet. Franni: What does any of this have to do with my husband? House: Nothing. Meet Mrs. Environmental Nutbag. Or did you keep your maiden name? Cameron: He’s married? House: Yep. Got a kid too. Double thrat. Eco-freak and deadbeat dad. Foreman: House. Foreman: Sorry… Parentally challenged. Foreman: No, his neck. [Doug’s neck has several bulges on the side.] Cameron: It’s torticollis. Reaction to the chlorpromazine. House: It’s not just a spasm. It’s swollen. [He pushes on the bulges which make a slight crinkly sound.] Crunchy. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room] Foreman: It’s definitely not MS. Crunching sounds were caused by an air leak between his lungs. Cameron: Leak in his mediastinum could have been caused by prolonged hiccups. Taub: More likely, it was the neck spasm. Cameron: Most likely, it was there all along. We just didn’t notice it till the other symptoms made it worse. House: So, what causes loss of balance, pathological hiccups, and a hole in his Gloria Steinem? Foreman: He was protesting a lumber mill last fall. Sarcoid’s been linked to pine forests. House: No. His A.C.E. levels were normal. Thirteen: Progressive systemic sclerosis. Guy practically lives in industrial waste sites. If a solvent got absorbed through his lungs, caused an autoimmune firestorm… House: Start him on IV methyl-prednisolone for systemic sclerosis. Do a full work-up to confirm. Cameron: By myself? House: Without yourself. [to the team] Grab a bat. [to Cameron] Grab some pine. Time to bring in the first string. [Cameron and Foreman exchange looks as the team leaves.] Cameron: Why? House: You obviously want to be here. I can’t figure out why. I wanna see where you go when you can’t be here. [He watches her leave.] [Cut to ER at night. Cuddy approaches Cameron who is going through a chart at the desk.] Cuddy: You know what vacation means, right? Cameron: You’re here because of House, Chase or overtime issues. Cuddy; He’s very concerned. Chase, not House. Cameron: Well, if it’s all right with you, I’d rather communicate with Chase by communicating with Chase. Cuddy: Are you in love with House? Cameron: You… are not concerned about me. You’re marking your territory. Cuddy: You shouldn’t be involved with House. Neither should I. Neither should anyone. You and Chase are good together. Just don’t screw it up. [Cut to Doug’s room.] Franni: When are you gonna stop this? Doug: How can you ask me to stop? Franni: You’re in a hospital. You have a son. Foreman: The steroids ought to get him breathing normally again. Thirteen: But autoimmune diseases are serious. It might not be a bad idea to take some time at home. Rest up. Doug: I can’t just quit. Franni: [crying] Do you hate us that much? Doug: I love you. And I love our son. But why should he matter more than everyone else’s? Franni: He does. Doug: Why? Because he’s biologically connected to me? There’s no rational reason. Franni: He’s our son! Doug: And he’s gonna need to drink clean water. And breathe clean air. I’m doing this for him too. [Cut to an apartment. There’s loud knocking on the door — the sound that would be made if a wooden cane were being used to knock. Wilson walks toward the door.] Wilson: Come on in, House. [He opens the door] Because who else is it going to be at 10:30 at night? And, no thanks, I already ate. House: Didn’t ask you to dinner. Wilson: But you were going to. And, when I explained that I’d eaten hours ago, you were going to move on to your real entrée, rifling through my kitchen. [House pauses in the kitchen doorway and turns back to study Wilson.] House: Hmmm. Inviting me to search your kitchen. Means that you know that I’d find nothing. Or that you know I’d find something so you’re hoping that I’m going to assume the former and I won’t bother to look. [He heads into the kitchen] Wilson: Or it means it’s late, I’m tired, I know you’re here to advance some paranoid theory based on a single egg white omelet, and I’d like to get it over with so we can both go to sleep. House: Your single omelet theory conveniently overlooks the grassy knoll you had for lunch today. Vegetable and grain gag-athon. Wilson: The Warren Commission found no evidence of a second lunch. Possibly because it was stolen from the doctor’s lounge. House: You’re not getting any fatter. Your medical records were clean. Wilson: You checked my — ? House: You’re alone tonight, so it’s Kutner. Wilson: How could Kutner have any conceivable — House: Your patients live, your patients die. You float above it all like a medical colossus. But a fellow doctor dies… Wilson: That’s brilliant. Kutner was a wake-up call that if I didn’t eat healthier, I might kll myself. House: Mortality is mortality. Wilson: And… Ice cream is ice cream. [He takes a half gallon out of the freezer] Full fat content. Quadruple fat content. [He shows House a package of bacon. Next he hands House a bag of chips from the shelf above the refrigerator.] House: Stuff you haven’t eaten just proves you haven’t eaten it. Wilson: You were hoping for evidence of stuff I have eaten? First door on the right. [House’s cell phone rings. When he answers it, Doug can be heard screaming loudly.] Foreman: [on speaker phone in Doug’s room, shouting above the screaming] Excruciating pain in his left leg! Acute onset about ten minutes ago. Franni: What are you doing to him? House: I assume they were checking for vascular pulsations. Either it’s negative or he’s a big wuss. Thirteen: It’s not a tumor or an aneurism. House: [winces and hold the phone away from his ear] Metabolic bone disease? Foreman: Bone density’s normal. Taub: But the bone covering might not be! If it’s osteomyelitis, an infetion eating away at his periosteum — House: That explains the pain. Odds are it’s a subclinical infection that we made worse with the steroids we gave him. Start him on IV antibiotics. X-ray his legs to confirm osteomyelitis. Thirteen: Cameron’s already done a full set of lower-body x-rays. House: The infection obviously flared. Do ‘em again. [He closes his phone to the sound of Doug still screaming.] [House and Wilson settle on the sofa. House opens the bag of chips.] Wilson: Even if I had changed my diet, what possible reason could I have for hiding it from you? [House, for the second time in history, offers Wilson some chips. Wilson gestures “no.” House shoves chips in his mouth.] [Cut to x-ray. Taub and Wilson are in the glass control room that shields they from radiation.] Thirteen: Ankle, tibia, fibula all look normal. No inflammation, no signs of osteo. [Doug groans.] Taub: Hang in there. We’re almost done. Thirteen: You and your wife… You talk about stuff? Taub: Sex. Thirteen: No. Anything else? Taub: Money. [She gives him a look.] I’m gonna go way out on a limb here. Foreman not a Chatty Cathy? Thirteen: Normally, it doesn’t matter. But last week it did. Taub: If you wanna date men, good chance talking won’t be — [He looks at the x-ray] His femur’s fractured. Thirteen: That’s impossible. It’s the hardest bone in the body. Taub: And he broke it lying in bed. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House rattles his pill bottle and takes one.] Taub: How can you have a broken femur without so much as a bruise? Foreman: Whatever broke it had to do it from within. Thirteen: Osteogenesis imperfecta? Foreman: Brittle bones wouldn’t cause hiccups. Plus, we’d have seen abnormal coloring in the sclerae. House: [drinking something to wash down the pill] Which leaves cancer. Foreman: Since when does bone cancer cause hiccups? [He plays with the empty pill bottle.] House: Which means it’s not bone cancer. Foreman: Or it’s not cancer. Thirteen: House is right. It’d be hard to find a guy outside Chernobyl who’d been exposed to more carcinogens. Pesticide plants, nuclear waste sites. House: Tell Chase to repair the break. You two prep him for chemo. Foreman: You want to blast him with chemo for a chance we don’t even know he has? House: Nope. I wanna blast him for with chemo for a cancer that explains the symptoms. [House leaves, followed by Taub and Thirteen. Foreman thinks.] [Cut to OR.] Chase: Intramedullary nail. Foreman: Hold on. [He’s scrubbed up.] Chase: That your House imitation? Some late-breaking epiphany Foreman: I just want you to get a bone biopsy before you insert the pin. Chase: For a broken leg? Foreman: House is prepping him for chemo. Thought it might be worth checking for cancer before pumping him full of poison. Chase: Does Cameron agree with House? Foreman: Cameron isn’t on the case anymore. Chase: Huh. [Cut to ER.] House: Still enjoying your day off, I see. Cameron: Why are you prepping him for chemo? House: The more interesting question is why do you care? Cameron: You’re not even sure that it’s — House: What I mean is, why do you care from here? You can monitor the patient from home. What’s the difference between here and home? Cameron: [dripping with false sincerity] You’re not at my home. [normal voice] This has nothing to do with — House: Any other differences? Hmm… there’s less medical equipment, more training bras, and more Vegemite sandwiches. Actually, technically, right now, Chase is here. But that’s because I called him, and you didn’t know that. And it’s irrelevant to my point. Which is… You and Chase are over. Cameron: You are wrong. House: You decided that his single drawer of clothes is one drawer too many. But you don’t have the guts to tell him. So… You’re emotionally walking away instead of actually walking away. Which is stupid ‘cause only one of those is good for your heart. Cameron: [long pause] He’s gonna ask me to marry him. I was looking for some thick socks. Found the ring. House: And you want to say no. So I circle right back to his single drawer of clothes — Cameron: I don’t want to say anything. I don’t want him to ask. Not now. Kutner… We’re all a little freaked out. We go home, we just wanna hug someone. We just wanna know everything’s gonna be okay. I don’t want him to propose just ‘cause he’s scared. House: Oh. [The look at each other for a long moment. He leaves.] [Cut to the clinic. A woman is sitting on the exam table. Her husband is standing behind her.] Husband: She’s got a headache, fever. She’s completely exhausted. Tell him about your chest, honey. Wife: Um — Husband: Her breasts are really tender. House: You guys have a hot tub? Husband: No. House: She must go to the gym a lot. Husband: Not in years. House: Then maybe when you travel on business you zip on down to that complimentary hotel spa. Wife: No. House: Sorry, did you just say yes? Husband: What the hell’s wrong with her? [There’s a knock on the door. Cuddy enters.] Cuddy: Got a minute? Husband: He doesn’t. What’s wrong with her? House: Sorry. I’m sure she’s got a medical crisis. And I need more time to figure out some leading questions for your wife. Cuddy: What’s going on with Cameron? House: She doesn’t want back on my team and she doesn’t want to jump me. Cuddy: Okay. [She starts to leave.] House: Wha, wha, wha, what? You ask a question. I rule out two possibilities and you’re satisfied? That means you don’t want an answer. You just wanted to know there wasn’t a particular answer. Either you were worried that she wanted back on my team, or you were worried that she wanted back on me. Husband: This isn’t a medical crisis, is it? House: Could be. A lot of STDs hang in the balance. [He turns back to the door but Cuddy has left. He sighs.] I give up. Vinegar compresses four times a day. Any chance I could just leave it at that? [The husband glares.] No. Pseudomomas folliculitis. It’s a skin infection from crowded and contaminated hot tubs, which you obviously use, but not with your husband. [The wife looks guilty. House whispers to her] Tried to help a sister out. [Cut to ward where Doug is in traction.] Foreman: The nuclei were all normal. Bone cells were well differentiated. No dysplasia means no cancer. Franni: That’s good, isn’t it? Foreman: We hope so, although it also means we still have no idea what caused the break. How does it feel? Doug: It hurts. [Foreman starts to peel back the bandage. It’s very red underneath/] Franni: Is it supposed to look like that? Foreman: No. But it’s probably just residual bleeding from the surgery. We should be able to… [He finishes lifting off the bandage. The incision is bleeding quite a lot. Foreman rushes to the other side of the bed and lifts the blanket from Doug’s other leg. It is mottled.] I need two units of FFP, right away! Franni: Oh my God! What’s happening? Foreman: He’s bleeding out. [He finishes taking the bandage off the incision. Blood drips down the leg.] [Cut to the hallway where the team follows House from the Diagnostics Office. He’s got his backpack.] House: Means it’s gotta be cancer. Foreman: It’s gotta be, except it’s not. The biopsy was negative. House: Biopsies can be wrong. Symptoms can’t. Thirteen: All signs point to cancer but you cant blast a cancer you can’t find. House: Sure you can. Prep him for total body irradiation. Taub: You do realize that’s insane. House: Not unless you think the cancer’s cleverly hiding outside his body. Thirteen: Steroids already weakened his immune system. That much radiation’ll kll him before it kills the cancer. Foreman: And if he doesn’t have cancer, we could cause one or destroy his immune system altogether. The guy could die from an infected toenail. House: [getting in the elevator] You’d rather do nothing, just let him die on his own? Taub: I’d rather make his cancer worse. [Foreman rolls his eyes and his whole head. House sticks his cane in the elevator door to keep it from closing.] Taub (continues): Give him insulin-like growth factor. Make any tumor or malignancy grow. Grows big enough, we can find it. Thirteen: That’s like pouring gasoline on a fre. At least total body irradiation’s an actual treatment. House: [thinks] His idea is better. Pour away. [House gets out of the elevator. They get in. He stands in the hall, thinking.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. There’s a bag of cut carrots on the desk. House enters, quietly.] House: I lost my mojo. Wilson: Have you retraced your steps? Does your cleaning lady check your pockets before — House: I was clueless about Kutner. I was wrong about Cameron. Taub just came up with an idea that I should have seen long before he did. Wilson: No one saw anything coming with Kutner. You hardly ever see Cameron anymore. And you hired Taub to come up with ideas that you wouldn’t have come up with. House: And I have no idea why you’re eating carrots. Wilson: Good. House: I’m losing my mind. All you got to say is “good”? Wilson: House, a guy you worked with for two years, who you mentored and, yes, possibly even cared about, just blew his brains out. You can’t find the reason, can’t meaning in it because sometimes there isn’t any. Sometimes… this is all there is. You should be losing it. You’d be crazy not to be off your game. But your mojo is right where you left it. Just… keep playing with it. I gotta go. Help yourself. [He gestures toward the carrots.] [Cut to Doug’s room. Taub and Thirteen wheel him in, accompanied by Franni.] Taub: I know this is a tough process. At the first sign of any tumors or masses, we can — Franni: Start saying prayers? Thirteen: It’s gonna be okay. Once we can — Franni: No. It’s not gonna be okay. You’re growing his cancer. Doug: [wheezing] This isn’t the doctors’ fault. I’ve exposed myself to a lot of bad stuff. I knew the risks. I want my life to mean something. If that means I’m destined to… [He passes out as the machines start beeping.] Thirteen: He’s in V-tach and no pulse. Grab the paddles! Franni: Oh, God! [Thirteen applies the gel and Taub does the defibrillation.] Taub: Charging. Clear! Charging. Clear! [Cut to the cafeteria. Cameron is sitting at a table.] Chase: I’ve been looking for you. Cameron: And… I’ve been thinking about you. Just hadn’t reached the looking stage yet. Chase: Which is the problem. You asked for a day. I gave you two. You told me you had a secret you couldn’t share. I respected that. Now I don’t know what’s worse — blwing off our vacation to hang around House or continuing to blow it off when he won’t hang around you? Cameron: If you think I’m the least bit interested in House — Chase: I don’t know what I’m supposed to think. Cameron: I know this looks bad. And — Chase: I don’t care how it looks. I care what it is. And you’re not telling me what it is. I’m trying to trust you, but… Cameron: I just… I need a little more time. Chase: No. Cameron: This… has nothing to do with House. Chase: Yeah, well it has nothing to do with me, either. Not anymore. [they stare at each other] Let me know when I can come pick up my things. [He walks out. She puts her head in her hands.] [Cut to Doug’s room. Franni sits, worried.] Taub: [voice over] Nothing on the echo. We drew a troponin level. No signs of myocardial ischemia. All the tests were normal. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.] House: Loss of balance. Pathological hiccups. Air leak between the lungs. Broken femur. Now tachycardia. Go! [Silence] Come on, give me something. Give me a bad idea. Maybe I can turn it into a good one. [Silence] Fine. Open him up and put in a defibrillator. Foreman: That’s permanent and risky. We don’t even know what, if anything, is wrong with his heart. House: Redo all the tests. In the meantime, open him up, put in a defibrillator so he can live long enough for you to finish the tests. [The team leaves.] [Cut to a vending machine. Wilson is putting money in it.] House: Balance, organs, nerves, lungs, bones, heart. Wilson: [Playing $25,000 Pyramid] Things you use to make bratwurst. House: [sits on steps with a sigh] There’s no sign of infection. It’s not a metabolic or autoimmune disease. It’s definitely not cancer. I think. Wilson: Definitely not cancer. House: [indicating the vending machine] Aren’t you going to pick? Wilson: I’m thinking. Is there a ticking clock? House: You already put your money in. You never do that until you decide. Wilson: That’s very observant of you. Too bad you distracted me. Now I’m… thinking I might change my mind. House: There’s nothing healthy in that machine. Wilson: No, there’s not. [He makes a selection.] House: Gummi bears. You hate gummi bears. Wilson: People can change. House: No. And more importantly, I hate them. Wilson: [smiling slightly] Oh, fine. Then I won’t offer you any. House: You manipulative bitch. [Wilson’s smile gets much broader.] You’re not suddenly eating healthy because you want to. You’re eating healthy because you know I don’t want to. I’ve been mooching food for ten years. [He stands.] Now, either it suddenly started bothering you this week or you’re — Wilson: Screwing with you. It needed to be done. After Amber died, I withdrew, tried to change everything, hoping I’d sort it out. Find some deeper truth. It was a mistake. I should have gone back to normal, to here and now, because that’s all we can every really count on. Things need to get back to normal in your life. And… what could be more normal than me screwing with you and you figuring it out? House: [admiringly] You manipulative bitch. [House walks off, leaving Wilson smiling. House stops and turns around. He walks quickly in the opposite direction.] [Cut to Doug’s room.] Taub: We need to put in a cardioverter-defibrillator. It’ll keep your heart beating while we keep looking. Doug: What does that mean? Taub: It means, even if we figure this out, you’ll have to stop protesting anywhere not near a hospital. House: [entering] Hi! Got a few questions. Taub: Uh, we’re about to start doing — House: A hopefully pointless medical procedure. Your life and my mojo hang in the balance. Pesticides are evil, which means that commercial flowers are doused in evil. But plant life is nature’s answer to evil. So you have a garden. Doug: No, we live in an apartment. House: A window box, then. Doug: No. House: [grasping at a straw] Potted plants? Franni: Nothing. The commercial growers — House: Yeah, yeah. They’re evil. Yeah, got it. Taub: House, I really don’t think we have time for this. House: [to Taub] Your marriage sucks. Taub: Thank you. House: All marriages suck. [to Doug and Franni] Your marriage sucks. Franni: No. Doug: I love her. House: He loves a tree in Oregon more than he loves you. But he can’t have sex with it. Unless it’s that slutty oak outside Portland. Taub: You wanna get to your point? House: She’s had enough. She’s gonna leave. Or maybe she’s jut not putting out. Whatever. You gotta make it right, right away. You gotta compromise that precious flower principle. Franni: Never. Doug: [long pause] Once. [to Franni] Three weeks ago. Our anniversary. I missed the dinner to be at that rally. You planned it for months. You were mad. Really mad. I bought you flowers. I brought them home. You were gone. So was your suitcase. I tossed them and bought you the earrings. House: Roses? [Doug nods.] Yes. You have sporotrichosis. It’s an infection from the thorn of the rose which, by any other name, is still a cheap marital aid. Doug: The flowers are what gave me — House: Lesion on your eight cranial nerve knocks out your balance. Another on your phrenic nerve gives you serial hiccups. We then spread it to your bones and heart with steroids and insulin-like growth factor. Franni: Please tell us that this is good news. House: It’s good news for him. It’s good news for future generations. It’s crappy news for you. He’s gonna be fine. And he’ll never doubt himself again. [House leaves. Doug looks at Franni who is looking at House and frowning.] [Cut to the Clinic. Cameron is helping a young boy off the exam table.] Cameron: There you go. [As the boy and his mother reach the door, it opens. House enters.] House: Damn. I was hoping I would interrupt something. [He closes the door on the patient and tosses a file on the exam table.] Your favor’s repaid. Patient’s cured. He’s already packing for another Earth Day extravaganza next week. Cameron: He almost died. He can’t take a few days at home with his family? House: People only change after trauma if they wanted to change before the trauma. Or if they’ve watched too many afterschool specials. Cameron: You talking about Chase? House: I’m talking about you. You lost husband number one. No surprise that the death of a colleague would make you question another long-term lease. Cameron: You teaching commitment classes? ‘Cause I thought you were too busy with your lecture on — House [fake laugh] I’m sure that was going to be hysterical. Let me just give you the Cliff Notes. Don’t try to dump him by dumping cases on me. Cameron: I told you I never wanted to dump Chase. House: Absolutely. You want him to dump you. It’s totally different. Much less guilt. Either way, you’re out of reasons to avoid him. Kutner was a pretty dumb one to begin with. [He leaves, closing the door behind him.] [Cut to locker room. Chase is changing. Cameron enters.] Cameron: I should never have postponed our vacation. Chase: [continuing to button his shirt] I should never have planned it. Cameron: [tearfully] I found the ring in your sock. [He’s listening] I didn’t want you to propose out of some sort of knee-jerk reaction to what happened to Kutner. Chase: Well, I guess you don’t have to worry about that anymore. Cameron: I’m not. I… I don’t care how it happens. I just want it to happen. Chase: Are… Are you proposing to me? Cameron: I’m... proposing that… you propose to me. Chase: After I broke up with you. After you ruined my planned proposal, you expect me to — Cameron: I’m not expecting. [pause] Hoping. [Chase thinks and exhales loudly. He takes a step toward her then drops to one knee. Cameron laughs nervously. He smiles and takes her hand.] Cameron (continues): Yes. [As they hug, the closing montage begins. A bluesy piano version of Georgia on My Mind can be heard.] [Cut to Franni at Doug’s bedside. She leans over and kisses him on the forehead. Then she turns and leaves him.] [Cut to the cafeteria. House has a beverage in front of him. Wilson has a tray of food. They’re laughing together. House leans over and takes some fries from Wilson’s plate.] [Cut to Cameron and Chase holding hands in Cuddy’s office. She leans back, smiling. She hugs Chase and then Cameron.] [Cut to House’s apartment. He’s the one playing Georgia. He’s enjoying himself. He reaches over and picks up a harmonica with his right hand while his left continues on the piano. After several bars he looks up and freezes on an exhale which has the effect of drawing out the note on the harmonica. His hand inches down and he stops playing the piano.] Amber: [who is leaning against the piano] Solved another case. Busted Wilson. [House’s face has not moved a muscle. She leans over to whisper in his ear.] Amber (continues): Looks like you’re not losing it after all. [She moves out of frame. House remains, frozen.] [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x21 - Saviors"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a close-up of a young man’s eye. There is silence for a moment then the roar of a crown as he downs his opponent. It’s a high school wrestling match. Each time the focus is on Seth, there is silence. When the picture widens, the crowd can be heard, cheering. Laura comes to the edge of the circle.] Laura: [signing] You look like superman. Seth: [signing] I’m nervous. Laura: [signing] You’re going to kick ass. [Ellie, Seth’s mother, waves from the stands.] I think your mom’s trying to get your attention. Ellie: [signing] Check it out. [She opens her sweater. She’s wearing a t-shirt that says “Deaf Pride.”] Seth: [signing] You’re not deaf. Ellie: [signing] I’m proud of you. Referee: 145 pounds. Johnson. Miller. Seth: [signing] Gotta go. Laura: [signing] Good luck. [The whistle blows. The match is alternately silent and at full volume. There is a sign interpreter or, perhaps, Seth’s coach, talking to him. Suddenly there is a sound like a sonic boom. Seth yells and staggers out of the circle. He jerks his head as he hears it again.] Seth: AAAAH! [Seth falls to his knees. His hands are pressed against his ears. He rolls onto his back.] Seth: AAAAH! OHHHHHHH! [Opening credits] [Open on House’s bedroom. He’s lying on his side, his eyes closed.] Amber: [voice over] House. House. I know you’re not asleep. House: [without opening his eyes] That insight would be a lot more impressive if you weren’t just a product of my exhausted brain. Amber: Aren’t you curious about why I’m here? [He finally opens his eyes. She’s sitting in the chair in the corner. She’s wearing her lab coat.] House: Curious why no French maid’s outfit. No spanky pants. Amber: I’m a hallucination, not a fantasy. House: It’s insomnia. Four nights without REM sleep can cause p+ Amber: That might explain why you’re hallucinating. Doesn’t explain why you’re hallucinating Wilson’s dad girlfriend. House: Probably just my secret and very unconscious desire to get Wilson into my bedroom. Amber: Or maybe your guilt over Kutner’s su1c1de reminds you how guilty you felt about me. House: Who cares why you’re here. A decent night’s sleep, you won’t be. [He turns over and Amber is no longer in the chair. His beeper goes off. As he looks at the message, Amber’s sitting at the foot of the bed.] Amber: Guess I’ll be around a few more hours. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House enters.] Taub: Need some coffee? House: Addictive substances are no substitute for nature’s healing balm. [He takes a Vicodin] Make this fast. I need to sleep. Thirteen: Deaf 14-year-old started hearing imaginary explsin. House: Exploding head syndrome. Cool. Well, obviously his brain knows how to hear. Taub: Patient went deaf at age four. Complication of meningitis. Amber: So why no cochlear implant? [House stares at Amber who is trying to write on the white board while Foreman talks.] Foreman: Usual suspect are insomnia, which he doesn’t have; migraines, which he doesn’t get; and head trauma, which didn’t show up on the CT. Amber: Damn imaginary pen. House: [glances at her then back at the chart] Mom’s signature’s on everything. Did Dad die? Foreman: No, doubt it. He was a sperm donor. Medical records couldn’t be cleaner. House: So we’re left with temporal lobe seizure. Amber: Wrong. Thirteen: Someone at the wrestling meet would have noticed a seizure. House: Could have just looked like a bad sht to the leg. Put him in the seizure lab. See if his head blows up all over again. [The team leaves] Amber: You’re going to ignore your own subconscious? Gonna be the limp leading the blind. [He looks at her. She shrugs.] [Cut to Cameron and Wilson in Wilson’s office looking at a file. They look up as the door opens.] House: I need a scrip for sleeping pills. My neighbor’s dog’s been keeping me awake and seems strangely invulnerable to poison. [Wilson puts the file on the table and goes to his desk.] Why is the soon-to-be-second-prettiest Dr. Chase here? Cameron: I’ll take that as a congratulations. Wilson: We’re discussing a case. Amber: Why did he close that file? House: Wedding in two weeks? I’d say you were pregnant but I don’t think Chase’s body is mature enough to produce sperm. Cameron: It’s a small ceremony. Why wait? Wilson: [offering the scrip] Nighty night. Amber: Drugs with no lecture? He wants you out. House: Interesting case? Cameron: Possible prostate cancer came into the ER. Amber: Pencil cup. [House knocks the pencil cup to the floor using his cane. Cameron stands to pick it up. House grabs the file and opens it.] House: Ho! No wonder his prostate’s enlarged. It’s full of pool cues and cigars. [The folder holds flyers from various venues.] Cameron: Chase’s best man doesn’t get here till the day of the wedding so I asked Wilson to throw his bachelor party. House: No retired ministers available to plan it? Wilson: Chase doesn’t want some big, raucous party. House: So she says. Luckily, there are people in this world ready to stand up for what’s right. Cameron: No, no, no. I don’t want p+ I don’t want you to p+ House: Listen. There are two things I do well. Bachelor parties rank… towards the top. Amber: [waiting by the door as House leaves] I get to help, right? [Cut to seizure lab.] Foreman: Starting five hertz. House made it through that entire differential without mocking our patient for not having a cochlear implant. Thirteen: The patient doesn’t want an implant because he’s comfortable with who he is. It’s admirable. Foreman: He’s deaf. It’s not an identity, it’s a disability. Thirteen: It’s also a culture. The deaf have their own schools, their own language. [looks at Seth] Still no spiking. Foreman: Going to 20. Anything I can simulate with a $3.00 pair of earplugs is not a culture. No sign of seizure. Temporal lobe activity is still clean. [Ellie has been watching Seth. He’s rubbing his eyes.] Ellie: Doctors, doctors. He can’t see. One of his eyes. [Cut to Clinic.] House: The limp leading the blind. Thirteen: Is that supposed to mean something? House: So exploding head syndrome plus vision loss. Taub: Subclavian steel syndrome. Vascular defect coupled with constant arm movement could siphon blood flow from the brain. [There’s a pharmacy bottle on the counter with House’s name on it. It contains Zolpidem 200 MG capsules. The directions are “Take one capsule by mouth three times daily for 10 days until all taken.”] Thirteen: We should do an angio p+ House: [grabbing the bottle] Know ourselves out. [He goes into one of the treatment rooms, shuts the door and leans against it.] How did I know he was gonna go blind? [Nothing] Don’t get cute, Gazoo. You’re in my mind. You’re obviously there. Amber: C-reactive protein. I noticed in his file it was slightly elevated. I figured the stress of the seizure lab would drive inflammation even higher. Lead to optic neuritis. House: That’s a lot clearer than “the limp leading the blind.” Amber: It was just a glimmer. I couldn’t put it into words. House: It was a long sht. I don’t even remember the c-reactive protein level. Amber: Obviously you do. You just don’t know it. House: How high is K2? Amber: I don’t know. House: Me neither. But I read a book about it years ago. Fierce, sexy Sherpa on the cover, bending over p+ Amber: 28,251 feet. House: Cool. An all-access pass to my own brain. Amber: Go play the kid some music. House: Why? Amber: Another long sht. [Cut to treatment room. Ellie translates what the doctors say into ASL (American Sign Language).] Foreman: We’re using iodine dye to track the blood flow in your neck and arm. [Seth nods. Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power” can be heard. House’s feet and cane, dancing, can be seen coming down the hall. His face is obscured by an enormous boom box. When he reaches the doorway, he pivots. He’s wearing Kanye West “shutter shades.” Everyone has to shout to be heard over the music.] Foreman: House, what are you doing? House: What does it look like I’m doing? Fighting the power. [Seth is smiling. House puts his cane on the foot of the bed and the boom box on Seth’s chest. He places Seth’s right hand over the speaker.] House (continues): Feel that? How cool is that? [Foreman and Ellie watch, annoyed.] Apparently your mom doesn’t care what you’re missing. Ellie: You’re an ass. [She reaches over to turn off the music. Seth stops her and signs.] He says he feels the vibrations in his abdomen, but not his hands. What does that mean? House: [removing the glasses and turning off the boom box] It’s a new symptom. Neuropathy. [Foreman removes the boom box from Seth’s chest. House walks to a trashcan and tosses his sleeping pills. Amber leans against the wall, smiling.] Amber: Thought you were gonna get some sleep. House: Case got interesting. [Cut to Seth’s room. He and Laura are having a conversation in ASL. House and the team observe from the hall. House raps about a dozen times on the glass wall in a slow, steady pattern. Seth and Laura don’t notice them.] House: Like the zoo. Except you can bang on the glass as much as you want. Foreman: How did you know about the neuropathy? House: Good question. Foreman: Enough with the riddles. House: Tell me about it. [As they walk down the hall Amber is there, holding three oversized bowling pins.] Amber: Think “wrestling record.” House: Juggling. No, pins. Three pins. Patient was pinned in his last three matches. Leading up to that he was 15 and 0. I figured his balance was off from diminished sensation. Foreman: Could be increased ICP from a brain tumor. House: That we missed on the head CT? Thirteen: Cutting weight for wrestling could have led to rhabdomyolysis. House: He just went up a weight class three months ago. [They turn a corner. Amber’s waiting there. Amber: Foreman’s right. House: Actually, increased ICP could make sense. Foreman: You just said p+ House: I was processing. [He goes to the elevator. Amber is there, trying to push the “up” button.] Amber: It also puts a new symptom on the table. House: His deafness. What if it was caused by NF2 cancer instead of his childhood meningitis? Foreman: So meningitis was a coincidence? House: Or a byproduct of the cancer suppressing his immune system. MRI his head. Taub: If you’re right about NF2, his deafness may be reversible. I’ll set it up and talk to the patient. [He leaves. Foreman and Thirteen start to follow.] House: You two… doing anything? [Cut to a strip club. “Spread Your Love” by Vibrolux is playing. Foreman and Thirteen are sitting against the stage. They take simultaneous sips of their drinks without taking their eyes off the pole dancer.] Foreman: You know what a broken cowboy is? [She looks at him] It was on House’s list of requirements. Thirteen: I have three theories. Foreman: [smiling at her] Why is House so into this bachelor party thing? Thirteen: He needs a reason to be into a bachelor party? Foreman: He needs a reason to be into anything. Thirteen: Give me your wallet. [The dancer is crawling on all fours toward them] Foreman: House could be trying to tempt Chase into cheating. Break them up. Thirteen: [looking away from the dancer for the first time] You think House is into Cameron? [She slips a bill into the dancers boy shorts.] Foreman: I think House is into Cameron being into him. Marrying Chase would shatter that fantasy. Thirteen: If Chase cheats then they shouldn’t be getting married in the first place. Foreman: So you’re okay with House getting Chase smashed enough to make a stupid mistake? Thirteen: Being drunk doesn’t change who you are. It just reveals it. [A new dancer grabs the pole, inverts, wraps one leg around it and spirals down. No hands.] Foreman: You think she can do the broken cowboy? Thirteen: God, I hope so. [Cut to Seth’s room. Ellie is there, translating. Laura is next to her] Taub: NF2 is an extremely slow-growing cancer which makes it very treatable. If we’re right, taking out the tumor means there’s a chance you’ll regain your hearing. Seth: [signing] No Ellie: [signing while she speaks] He said you have to. Taub: What’s wrong. Ellie: He wants you to treat the cancer but leave him deaf. Taub: Yeah, sorry. Doesn’t work like that. [She signs to Seth who signs a question back.] Laura: [signing] It will be okay. Seth: [signing] I’d have to change schools. I’d barely see you. Laura: [signing] You won’t see me at all unless you get better. [Seth lays back on the bed, thinks, exhales loudly and becomes resigned to it. Ellie nods.] [Cut to image viewing room. Taub is showing films to House and Amber] Taub: Imaging shows slightly elevated ICP, but no masses on or around the nerves. It’s not cancer. House: Slight bowing in the wall of the fourth ventricle could still indicate a tumor. [Thirteen and Foreman enter.] Foreman: We brought pictures. Thirteen: The fact that you sent me on a scouting mission p+ Amber: No skirts. House: You’re not on the guest list. Bachelor parties are an ancient and sacred male rite of passage. Taub: The ventricle bowing is most likely a pre-existing anatomical anomaly, not the indication of a tumor. Thirteen: No way to know for sure without a brain biopsy. If I get drunk enough, there’s a chance I might make out with one of the strippers. Or become one. House and Amber: Sold. Taub: We can’t just drill into our patient’s brain on a hunch. House and Amber: [Looking at the picture of a stripper] Oh, God, not her. House: She’s the one that got me hooked in with Madoff. Foreman: Taub’s right. It’s not cancer. House: Yeah, by all means, abandon a great diagnostic theory because it’s difficult to prove. Do a biopsy. We need to take a better look at his fourth ventricle. Amber: Or an older look. Taub: The mom’s never gonna let us touch his brain without some evidence. Amber: Patient broke his nose years ago. Hospital could have done an MRI. House: [exhales] Okay. [He gathers up Seth’s films.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. He’s talking to Chase.] Wilson: The main reason my third wife and I eloped was to avoid House’s bachelor party. [long pause] Have you seen Caligula? House: [entering] My patient’s brain now… versus three years ago. [he puts films on the light board.] See any difference? [to Chase] Is he telling you to avoid the party? Wilson: I took an oath to do no harm. House: Sure. Don’t come. If you want your wedding vows to be meaningless. Chase: This should be interesting. House: You are going to commit to that one special woman forever. Which is beautiful. But if your commitment the day after the wedding is the same as your commitment the day before, then the wedding meant nothing. So, and I see no logical way around this, if you want your marriage to matter, you have to be a wanton, trolling, muck-covered pig the day before. Chase: You’re evil. Se ya. Wilson: [who has been studying the films through all this] The wall of the fourth ventricle changed. It isn’t bowed in the older scan. House: Evidence of NF2, right? Wilson: You’d need to do a brain biopsy to confirm. [House takes the scans] Uh, I’m not going to the bachelor party. Every time I go to one of your parties, I end up embarrassing myself in some new and unexpected way. House: [opening the door] That whole thing with the duck was hardly unexpected. Wilson: I’m not going. House: Okay. Amber: [who just “arrived”] It’s not okay. [Cut to brain biopsy. Seth’s head is in a vise. The drill bit is visible behind him. Chase pulls the drill back.] Amber: Do you know who we need? [She and House are in the observation balcony] That stripper you got for Wilson’s bachelor party. You could do body shts right off her. House: Why go back to that well? In the nine years since Wilson’s party, a whole new generation of hot girls have been abused by their stepfathers. Amber: She loved cats. House: What made you remember the stripper loved cats? Amber: Chase has a cat. They’ll bond. Chase: [on speaker.] Ahem, House? You, uh, entertaining yourself up there? House: [turning on the intercom with his cane] Just rehearsing for the revival of Evita. What’d you find? Chase: The biopsy shows nerve inflammation consistent with increased intracranial pressure. Something’s wrong, but it’s not cancer. Amber: He’s going to go through life deaf. House: He’s okay with that. Amber: He has no idea what he’s missing. His mom’s a moron. He’s gonna pay for her stupidity for the rest of his life? Are we* okay with that? House: [thinks then turns on intercom] Why are you closing? Supposed to put in a cochlear implant. Chase: Wasn’t in the paperwork. House: Really? Well, someone must have screwed up. I’ll go track it down. Chase: I’ll wait. House: That’s a great idea. Let the kid spend more time under anesthesia with his skull cracked open. Chase: I’ll wait. House: I have been known to lie to serve my own agenda. An implant does absolutely nothing to help me diagnose him. Chase: [to a nurse] Let’s get an implant tray in here. [Cut to Seth’s room. It is totally silent. Chase types on the implant’s keyboard. A huge noise fills the room causing Seth to grab his head. He hears voices, the IV dripping, every movement of a monitor, a clock ticking, footsteps, etc.] Chase: Just… Just try to relax. Seth: [signing] What did you do to me? [Cut to Cuddy’s office. Ellie is sitting on the couch.] Cuddy: Her son didn’t want the implant. House: If he still doesn’t want it, after having time to adjust, I’ll take it out. I’ll blind him too if he wants to experience that culture. Ellie: Remove it now. House: Kid’s just had brain surgery. He’s not sab. [Amber is now sitting next to Ellie.] Cuddy: Ms. Miller, I’m not trying to minimize Dr. House’s wrongdoing, but the best thing… Amber: Why is she sitting? [Now she’s standing behind House] She’s not yelling, not thrat, not pacing. [she’s next to Ellie again] Just sitting. Cuddy: Understand, Dr. House? [he’s in a fog] House. Focus. I need you to say you accept the arrangement. House: No problem. [to Ellie] You’re not mad. Ellie: I’m mad. House: Not mad enough. You wanted your son to hear. You just didn’t have the guts to make him get the implant. Ellie: Once my son is sab, I want that thing out of his head. [she leaves] Cuddy: Why did you do this? House: Because he is ignorant and he’s being raised by an idiot. Cuddy: Not good enough. You always have p+ House: [shouting] My patient is opting into a handicap! It’s an insult to all the other gimps out there. Cuddy: Okay. But I’m still putting Foreman in charge of the case. House: That’s the arrangement? [she nods slightly] Okay. [Cut to House leaving the clinic and putting a large cell phone earbud on. Amber is waiting for him.] Amber: You’re okay with Foreman in charge? Who you calling? Oh… Right. You don’t want to look like a lunatic. House: Yeah, about that… Amber: You think we did the wrong thing? House: I’m not sure. [they enter the elevator] I’m not even sure why we did it. Amber: Well, that argument you made to Cuddy sounded pretty good. House: To you, maybe. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. The team is there. House enters and takes off the earbud.] House: Huh. I figured by now you’d be at the board in your monocle and jodhpurs. Foreman: Yeah. You did something stupid. Quick, better mock someone. Thirteen: Why did you do it? House: Why did I give a human being the power of hearing? You ask God the same question, he’ll give you the same answer. Taub: Patient has a fever now too. Thirteen: Probably just a post-op complication. Arnold-Chiari? Foreman: Not without muscle weakness. Taub: Pseudotumor Cerebri? Foreman: We checked his eyes before the surgery. No papilledema. Amber: Candy. [She’s biting into something.] I’m pretty sure Wilson’s stripper’s name was something sweet. Taub: Maybe his fever is more than the post-op reaction. His girlfriend was sick a few months ago. [Amber is in the background, making a disgusted face over what she’s eating] Maybe her flu was really Epstein-Barr. Amber: Lolly? [She’s got a giant, red, all-day sucker] Thirteen: They swap spit, virus travels to his brain, leads to meningitis, leads to increased intracranial pressure. Amber: I agree. Taffy? [She’s stretching a long piece of pink taffy.] House: I agree. Foreman: Go ahead. Start him on rivavirin for Epstein-Barr. House: Keep making decisions like that. It really bolsters the illusion that you’re in charge. [Cut to Wilson’s office. House enters] House: Why aren’t you in my office? Wilson: Because I know what the word “my” means. House: I did something insane, and you’re not all over me analyzing why. Wilson: It was nice. House: I gave that idiot an implant to prove to him what an idiot he’s been. How is that nice? Wilson: You didn’t do it to solve the case. You didn’t do it to save his live. You… did it to make his life better. It was a caring act p+ which you did in a way that was immoral and illegal, but… Baby steps. Amber: Doesn’t sound like us. Wilson You can’t make me go to the bachelor party. House: I know. Wilson: And you’re okay with that? House: [opening the door] What choice do I have? [He and Amber leave] [Cut to Seth’s room.] Seth: [signing] Make them take it out. Ellie: [signing] They can’t operate again. First you have to get better. Seth: [signing and shaking his head] I don’t want this thing in me. Ellie: Seth! [whispers] Please, God. Seth: [signing] What did you say? Ellie: Seth? Seth: [signing] Is that my name? [He finger spells S-E-T-H. Ellie nods] Ellie: Yes. Seth: [signing] Say it again, please. Ellie: Seth. [They hug for a very long moment. Taub enters. Ellie stands up] Oh. I think he just wet the bed. [Taub and Ellie look at the foot of the bed. Urine is pouring onto the floor.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. The white board has peeeeeeeee written on it in a downward arc. House puts a pint of pink ice cream on the table. He adds several more pints from a cooler as the team enters.] Taub: Kid’s dehydrated but sab. Thankfully, the fountain of whiz seems to have stopped for the moment. House: Not before hosing Epstein-Barr off the table. Now eat up. We’re gonna pick out the ice cream flavors for the bachelor party. [He sticks a spoon in each container. They each taste some.] Taub: Could be systemic autoimmune disease, sarcoido — This tastes like… vodka. House: Well, it would be stupid if it tasted like bourbon. That’s the brown one. Thirteen: It is vodka? House: Flash frozen in a secret process. Guy figured it out in his basement. [He swallows a spoonful of yellow ice cream] Limoncello. Genius. Foreman: The symptoms came on too hard and too fast. Sarcoidosis is progressive. Amber: [she’s joined them at the table] Remember in med school when Donovan gave grand rounds? There was that guy who was peeing liters. Thirteen: Glomerulonephritis? A wrestler. Steroids could have damaged the kidneys. Hmm. The scotch is nice. [She passes it to Foreman] Taub: His urine would have been brown. Amber: Donovan ruled out osmotic diuresis p+ kidney disease. [As House sits down, the entire room, except Amber and him, fades to grayscale. The team can still be heard, quietly.] Taub: Pheochromocytoma? Thirteen: No hypertension. Plasma metanephrine’s normal. Foreman: Devic’s? Amber: It happened at night. That was the clue. Night, recumbent body position, changes in BP House: [long pause] It’s his heart. [He looks at the team. They’re back to normal] Run a 12-lead EKG, watch him for four hours. Foreman concurs. [Foreman is listening with his chin stuck up in the air. He drops his chin in resignation.] [Cut to House’s office] House: What the hell just happened? Everything started to fade away. Amber: You’re getting better at focusing. Ignoring everything that doesn’t matter. [She sees Chase approaching] Uh-oh. He looks pissed. I think he might ht us. House: Is your eyesight better than mine? Chase: We need to talk about the bachelor party. House: Excellent topic choice. Surgery’s so boring and my lying to you is just so yesterday. Chase: It’s my fault for letting you talk me into the implant. Cameron is not going to be happy about this party. House: But you, on the other hand p+ Chase: Plan on spending the rest of my life with Cameron. House: So… I need to cancel the fart band? Chase: So… I need you to kidnap me. House: Spoken like a true Aussie. By the way, if you know where I can get me the sheet music to Waltzing Matilda… [Chase starts to leave] Hey. Want some ice cream? We’re having a sundae bar. [He tosses Chase a pint.] Chase: Sweet. [He leaves] Amber: [snapping her fingers] That’s her name. House: Sundae or bar? Amber: Karamel. House: With a “K.” [Cut to Seth’s room. Laura inspects the implant] Laura: [signing] I wish I could get an implant too. Seth: [signing] You don’t need one. No one does. Laura: [signing] It’s a great thing. It’s going to open up a whole new world for you. Seth: [signing] I don’t want a new world. This doesn’t have to change things. Laura: [signing] I’ll be back in a minute. [speaks to Thirteen] Bathroom? [She has the flat intonation that’s common for deaf people when they talk] Thirteen: [points] Down the hall, two doors on your right. Seth: [signing and speaking] Do I… sound like… her? Thirteen: It takes time. [Cut to Houses office. He downs a can of K-Blast, an energy drink and crushes the can. There are several more cans on the desk. The team enters.] Taub: You still haven’t slept? House: [burps loudly] And then I have a clever response. [He opens another can.] Foreman: EKG normal sinus, normal intervals. His heart’s fine. Amber: His heart’s not fine. House: The heart was fine during this test. The arrhythmia’s hiding. Foreman: Or we were wrong about the heart. Taub: Could be the thyroid. Thirteen: Hashimodo’s would explain the kid’s urine and brain pressure. Amber: Treadmill. House: Or, the arrhythmia is hiding. We need to stress him. Put the patient on a treadmill. Foreman: The patient just had brain surgery. A stress test could cause a brain bleed and kll him. House: I value your opinion. I value rejecting your opinion. Foreman: You’re not doing this. You haven’t been sleeping p+ House: Cuddy doesn’t actually want you in charge. She just wants to avoid a lawsuit and to win an NAACP award. Foreman: And if I let you risk our patient’s life testing an organ we already tested, we accomplish neither. Run a thyroid panel. [Taub and Thirteen leave. Foreman follows them.] [Cut to House and Amber walking down the hall. He’s wearing his fake earbud] House: How do we get him into the stress lab without Foreman’s sign-off. Amber: We could kll Foreman. [House gives her a look. They pass a pretty blonde.] Is she new? House: Focus. The lab simulates stress. What if it’s not simulated? Amber: We could tell him his girlfriend dumped him. House: That’s a tough sell since she never leaves the room for more than five minutes. Amber: We could kll her. [another look from House] Or… Asthma meds. Force the heart to bat faster. House: Revealing the arrhythmia. [whispers] Nice idea. Amber: It was yours. [Cut to hall outside Seth’s room. House takes a syringe out of a cart. Seth can be heard yelling. Nurses are running into the room. House enters.] Ellie: I just left the room for a few minutes. Thirteen: He ripped out his implant. So much for improving his life. [She’s trying to stop the bleeding] Amber: Actually, I think we just saved it. [she turns to the monitor] House: Look at that. Arrhythmia. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House is at the white board.] Foreman: You were right about the heart. Should have listened to you. House: The correct phrasing would be, “I should always listen to you.” Taub: He’s got problems everywhere. What goes everywhere? Thirteen: Blood. Could be thrombocythemia. Excess platelets lead to clotting throughout the body. Foreman: Not with a normal platelet count. Taub: So the clotting doesn’t start in the blood. It starts in the lungs. Pulmonary embolism. Foreman: Should do a VQ scan, see if his lungs are clear. [Amber flicks her Bic and waves it over her head. House thinks.] House: Go. [The team leaves and Amber turns the lighter off.] [Cut to the morgue. There is a body on the table in the background. House is at the near table. It is lined with champagne and sht glasses and House is filling them.] House: You sure I did this at Wilson’s party? Amber: Last time you used grain alcohol instead of the Sambuca. House: And it worked? [He lights the wick on a cloth-covered liquor bottle. Amber nods. House juggles the lit bottle. The last toss is a little close. He leans back.] House (continues): Explains my lack of eyebrows by the end of the evening. [He lights the first glass and lifts it] By the power of Greyskull, I p+ [The glass gets too hot. He drops it among the other glasses which flame up randomly. Still holding the bottle with the wick, House staggers back into the exam table with a body. The extra bottles of alcohol are there. The wick lights them and the flames jump to the corpse’s chest hair and the blanket covering him. House scrambles to the sink. While Amber talks, he keeps trying to put out the fre by putting a wet blanket on the corpse.] Amber: [shrugs] This is why we’re rehearsing. Ever wonder what’s happening every time our patient gets sicker? House: [trying to stay ahead of the flames] Not right now! Amber: First symptom, wrestling. Then, under the lights of the seizure lab p+ House: Are you going somewhere with this? Because this feels p+ Amber: Just keep doing what you’re doing. It helps. Then, under the stress of blindness… and post-op fever. What do all the symptoms have in common? House: [has finally put out the fre. He thinks] Heat. See, if you hadn’t been here that would have just popped into my head. Which actually would have been way cooler. [He takes out his phone and dials] Foreman. The kid’s got Uhthoff Phenomenon. Which means it’s MS. Start him on double-dose interferon. [He hangs up] Amber: Let’s get our drink on. House: Not before I’ve added “chemical burns” to this guy’s cause of death. [Cut to Foreman, Cameron and Chase getting off the elevator in the lobby.] Foreman: Patient’s responding to interferon. Looks like I can retire as department figurehead. Male Officer: Dr. Robert Chase? We’re with the Department of Citizenship and Immigration. Did you recently apply for a marriage license? Chase: Uh… Yes. Male Officer: According to our records, your work permit is expired. If you could come with us. [he grabs Chase’s arm] Cameron: Um, I’m his finance. I can come along and clear this up. Female Officer: I’m sorry, Ma’am. Illegals only. Chase: [calling across the lobby] I’m… I’m sure it’s a mistake. I’ll call you as soon as I know what’s going on. Cameron: [to Foreman] Don’t let House get him in too much trouble. [Cut to the party. Do What You Wanna (Mr. Scruff’s Soul Party Remix) is playing. House is wearing a belted, black velvet smoking jacket with satin lapels and cuffs. He lights the first glass in a series and the flame dances along the row and up a pyramid of glasses. Guests are chanting “Go, go.” House climbs on a chair so he is level with the top of the pyramid. House and Chase each raise their arms, acknowledging the feat. Taub is standing between two strippers who are much taller than he is. Foreman and Thirteen join the applause. House takes the top glass, a large brand snifter that is on it’s side, off the pyramid.] House: Allow me to welcome you to the best night of your life. [He pours the flaming alcohol into a tumbler.] Chase: A-huh. [He covers the glass with his hand, putting out the flame. Then he drinks it in one swallow. House has him in a one-armed hug.] House: Now, ah, a few ground rules for the evening. Uh, safety is job one. We’ve now gone for 18 days without an injury in the workplace. [The door opens and Wilson slowly walks in. He looks around while House speaks. Foreman and Thirteen clink glasses and drink.] Uh, yes, these girls are all working their way through law school. Don’t test them. Wilson: House! House: [smiling as he leans past the glasses so he can see Wilson] I knew you couldn’t stay away. Wilson: [waves House over with his patented two-finger gesture] This is my apartment. You can’t do this. House: Clearly, reality begs to differ. Wilson: Where’s my furniture? House: Out back somewhere. Karamel: [from behind Wilson] James. Wilson: Karamel? Karamel: [She hugs him and he awkwardly hugs back, his briefcase in hand.] Hi. How’s your wife? Wilson: Uh… We… We got divorced. Karamel: Ohhh. Wilson: How’s your cat? Karamel: dad. Wilson: Oh. Karamel: How ‘bout we go have a drink? Wilson: Oh… Karamel: This way. Wilson: Okay. [The music becomes Jada’s American Cowboy. A stripper feeds Chase some of the special ice cream from her finger. Taub is dancing, sandwiched between the two tall strippers. Chase dances with a stripper who later licks his nose. Wilson, who is no longer wearing his jacket, licks his way up Karamel’s torso. When he reaches her bra he removes the sht glass and downs the contents p+ no hands. Karamel takes the empty glass so he can crawl back up and get the slice of lime from her mouth. He pumps the air in victory. Thirteen dances up to Karamel for her turn.] Wilson: [to Foreman] You’re okay with this? Foreman: I paid 50 bucks for this. Wilson: You guys are great together. Trust is everything. I gotta get some air. Keep it real. [As he makes his way to the door it becomes apparent that, in addition to his jacket, Wilson is no longer wearing his pants.] [Cut to the bathroom. House is sitting in the tub with a bottle. The music can be heard, muted. He takes a drink.] Amber: You should be out there, enjoying the lap dances of your labors. House: Eh. I kinda like it in here. Amber: [sitting in the other end of the tub with a matching bottle] Me too. To us, figuring out MS. House: And the blindness and neuropathy and arrhythmia and anything else we did. [they drink] What exactly did my team do? Amber: Looked good in their lab coats. Except for Taub. Some people just work better alone… so to speak. [Cut to the living room. Chase is holding a large, stuffed kangaroo. He’s talking to a stripper. Foreman comes up and hugs him from behind.] Foreman: One more drink. Chase: No, I can’t. I gotta take a break. Taub: Meet Karamel. [He steps to one side. Karamel is stretched out on her side, on a table. Chase chucks the kangaroo.] Foreman: Huh? Chase: Maybe one more drink. [He and Karamel laugh as she turns onto her back. Someone empties a sht glass onto Karamel’s belly. Chase starts licking his way up her body. He stands up.] Chase: What’s that taste? Is that p+ Is that strawberry? [He gasps once and keels over.] [Cut to the bathroom. There’s a knock on the door.] Foreman: House, you in there? House: Use the other bathroom. It’s in the kitchen. Looks like a sink. Foreman: Chase went into anaphylactic shock from the stripper’s body butter or something. House: Is he okay? Foreman: One of the residents had an epi pen, so he’s fine but we’re taking him to the hospital to be safe. House: [quietly] Okay. [long pause] I knew that Chase was allergic to strawberries, didn’t I? [Amber shrugs slightly] That’s why you wanted Karamel at this party. Amber: I suggested Karamel ‘cause she was great at Wilson’s party. House: I knew about her body butter. I knew about his strawberry allergy. I tried to kll Chase. Why would I do that? I don’t want Cameron. Amber: You’re not a big fan of other people’s happiness, either. [House’s cell phone rings. He answers it.] House: Hello. [pause] You confirm? [pause] Thanks. [hangs up] That kid we saved… He’s dying. It’s not MS. We were wrong. [Cut to PPTH ambulance bay. Chase is being wheeled in.] Cameron: Thank God you’re okay. What happened? Chase: [quite drunk] Thee was a girl p+ Foreman: Long story. Cuddy: Patient’s lung failure rules out MS. We put him on a ventilator. Foreman: [takes films and handles them awkwardly] Uh, enlarged lymphs could p+ Cuddy: Are any of you sober? [Cut to House’s apartment building. He’s unlocking his door.] Amber: Turn around. You need to go to the hospital. House: I need to sleep. [He enters the apartment and closes the door in Amber’s face.] [Cut to the apartment. Amber is there, waiting, when House turns around.] Amber: I’m you. You can’t just shut a door. House: You tried to kll Chase. I need to push you back down. You’re dangerous. [his cell phone rings] Amber: It’s the hospital. House: Not answering. [he answers on the second ring] Hello? [Cut to treatment room. Taub, Foreman and thirteen all have IVs. As the conversation continues, it cuts back and forth between the hospital and House’s apartment.] Cuddy: I’m here with your team, trying to sober them up so they can help treat your dying patient. House: Foreman’s dying patient. Cuddy: What causes lung failure plus your patient’s previous symptoms? Amber: Eosinophilic pneumonitis. White blood cells accumulate, clog up the lungs, lead to heart problems. It fits. Cuddy: House, are you there? House: It’s not eosinophilic pneumonitis. I gotta crash. Cuddy: House, don’t hang up. We need your help. House: I can’t. Amber: We can solve this. House: Good night. [He hangs up and picks up his cane.] Foreman: Eonsinophilic pneumonitis could actually make sense. Thirteen: No, House ruled it out because it would affect the larynx. Patient would be… hoarse. Which we wouldn’t notice in a deaf kid who rarely speaks. [The team gets up to leave.] Cuddy: Wait. Everyone’s getting breath mints. [Cut to Seth’s room. Thirteen and Foreman enter.] Foreman: We need to hear Seth speak. Ellie: [translating to ASL] But that means taking out the tube. Isn’t that dangerous? Thirteen: It’s the safest way to confirm what’s wrong with him. Foreman: I need him to breath out as I pull out the tube. Ellie: [signing and whispering] Breath out. [Foreman removes the tube.] Thirteen: Say “ah.” [Ellie translates.] Seth: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Foreman: I’m sorry. We were wrong. I need to, uh, suction out your throat before we reintubate. [Just before he inserts the suction tube he stops and inspects Seth’s mouth and teeth.] Your son smoke? Ellie: [signs “smoke”] Smoke? I don’t think so. Foreman: Tobacco stains on his teeth. Ellie: [signs and translates Seth’s reply] He says he used to chew tobacco to cut weight for wrestling. Foreman: Used to. Thirteen: Chewing tobacco wouldn’t explain his symptoms. Foreman: But not chewing tobacco might. Taub was right. It’s sarcoidosis. The tobacco releases toxins. Those toxins suppressed his immune system. Once he quit chewing, the absence of those toxins kicked a dormant condition into hyper-drive. Ellie: Is it treatable? Thirteen: Usually responds to corticosteroids and methotrexate. I’ll start the meds. [Cut to Cuddy’s office the next morning. House enters.] House: I need sleeping pills. I was gonna ht up Wilson but he’s not answering his phone. Cuddy: He must have left it in his pants. Which he wasn’t wearing when the police found him trying to walk home… oddly, from his own apartment. House: [looks at Amber guiltily] Pills. Cuddy: Your patient’s doing fine, thanks to your team. House: It wasn’t eosinophilic pneumonitis, was it? Cuddy: Sarcoidosis. House: Good. [She fills out a prescription and tears it off the pad but holds it away from him.] Cuddy: House, please talk to me. [Long pause as House and Amber look at each other.] House: I haven’t slept through the night since Kutner k*lled himself. [She hands him the scrip. He looks at Amber, turns and leaves.] [Cut to Seth’s room.] Ellie: [signing and talking] The wrestling might have to wait. I’m gonna tell your doctors to repair your implant. Seth: [signing] You always said that was my decision. Ellie: [signing and talking] And then you ripped it out rather than live with it for a few days even. I’m your mother. This is my call. I don’t know if I’m making the right one, but it’s mine to make. [Cut to House’s bedroom. He wakes and stretches. He looks around. He checks out the hallway. In the bathroom, he turns on the sink and splashes his face. He smiles at himself in the mirror and dries his face. He turns to leave.] Amber: Sleep well? [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x22 - House Divided"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on the overhead grid at a theater. Philip Glass’s Company: II is playing. Cut to a line of feet, in toe shoes. Cuts between the dancers on stage, the orchestra and backstage. Jeremy and Penelope dance together. He dips her and grabs his back as he straightens up.] Jeremy: [holding his back] It’s way too fast. Penelope: Felt good. Choreographer: [with a group in the seats] If we could clear the stage quickly, please. Jeremy: [to the conductor] Maury, it’s too fast. Maury: It’s exactly the same. Jeremy: Then slow it down. Choreographer: [coming down the aisle] Everything all right, Jeremy? Jeremy: Sure. Ready when you are. Choreographer: From the allegro, please. Woman: What’s his problem? Choreographer: His back’s not 100%. Female Staff Member: He can’t talk to the conductor like that. Choreographer: No, he can’t. [looks at Penelope, dancing] She could. Penelope: [to Jeremy, sotto voce] You okay with the lift? Jeremy: Fine, unless you mess up the timing. Penelope: My timing is perfect. Jeremy: It was last night. Female Staff Member: [as Penelope dances toward Jeremy] Moment of truth. [Penelope dances across the stage. Jeremy holds her in a one-armed lift. As he begins to turn, he cries out and falls to the floor, dropping Penelope.] Jeremy: Ahhhhhh! Male Staff Member: Damn it! [Cut to Penelope, on floor, gasping in pain; Jeremy grabbing his back in pain, choreographer running down the aisle.] Manager: Penelope, are you all right? [She is gasping. CGI of her heart. Jeremy goes to her.] Jeremy: She can’t breathe. Call a doctor. [Opening Credits] [Cut to House’s living room. He is on the couch, in a bathrobe, eating cereal and watching a show about elephants on TV. There is a plinking noise. Amber is playing Yankee Doodle Dandy on the ukulele, badly.] Amber: Are you going to ignore me all day, again? I help you. House: You tried to kll Chase. Amber: Doing what you wanted. That’s all, boss. [She stands between him and the TV] I exist. House: No, you don’t. I acknowledge my subconscious exists. Now go away. [There’s loud knocking on the door.] Amber: Saying it is one thing, living it is another. You’re not rational. [He gives her a look as he heads to the door] Not completely. Foreman: [in the hall when House opens his door] Put the phone on the receiver, send the hookers home and get dressed. We’ve got a case. House: I’m taking a personal day. Foreman: Twenty-one year old star of the New York Ballet collapsed on stage. House: I love ballet but, as someone may have mentioned, I’m taking a personal day. Foreman: Cuddy said get your ass in or you’re fired. House; She’s not gonna fre me. Amber: She’s not gonna fre you? If you don’t go to work? Foreman: Okay. [he leaves] Amber: How long do you figure until I just… disappear? House: [following Foreman into the vestibule] Hold on. [Cut to Diagnostics Office. The fellows are sitting around the table. House is pacing.] Thirteen: No tumors or punctures in the lungs. No bruising. No sign of trauma. No STDs. Taub: And supplemental oxygen’s only gotten her saturation level to 60. Lungs keep collapsing despite a chest tube. Foreman: ER ruled out the obvious. White count and temp are normal so no pneumonia. Amber: Coffee’s burnt. Thirteen’s wearing cherry-flavored lip gloss. Foreman’s staring at you. Any of that helpful? Foreman: House? House: STD? Foreman: We just said the tests were negative. You think we should… House: No. Amber: She’s a dancer. What about dehydration? House: What about a pulmonary contusion? Thirteen: CT showed no inflammation on the lungs. Amber: What about dehydration? House: B.U.N. and creatinine are elevated but within range… Amber: Hey. I’m just the irrational part of your brain but elevated means high, right? Dehydration could hide an infection. House: Dehydration could hide an infection. Go treat her for the obvious. IV fluids and antibiotics for the pneumonia. [The fellows leave.] Amber: We’re like Magic and Kareem. [She puts up a hand for a high-five and House walks past her.] [Cut to Wilson’s office] Wilson: Mr. Pietramala, you have kidney cancer. Pietramala: Wow. Is that a bad one? I mean, they’re all bad, but… [House enters] Wilson: The door was closed for a reason. House: Well, now it’s open for a reason. We need to talk. Pietramala: He just told me I have kidney cancer. House: Then you’ll obviously need a moment to process. Wilson: House… House: I’m hallucinating. Wilson: I’m… I’ll be right back. [He follows House into the hall. House closes the office door.] House: I need you to sit in on my differentials, double-check everything I do. Wilson: You can’t treat patients. House: It’s gotta be sleep apnea. I get a good night’s sleep and I still feel exhausted. Lack of delta sleep can lead to hallucinations. Wilson: Do you have any other neurological symptoms? House: I don’t think so. Wilson: Aphasia? House: No. Wilson: Memory loss? House: Nope. Wilson: Irritability? House: Yeah! That one! Amber: Don’t deflect. He cares about you. You care about him. Tell him you… Wilson: [at the same time] You shouldn’t be practicing. At least… House: Enough! [Both Amber and Wilson stop talking.] Don’t give me the look. I told you I was hallucinating. Wilson: [looking behind himself] Who were you talking to? House: Someone who’s not actually here. Beyond that seems irrelevant. Wilson: Your mind made a choice. It means something. Amber: You know he’s just going to keep asking. House: Kutner. Amber: Good choice. He feels bad. House: You gonna help me or not? Wilson: Yeah. [He goes back into his office.] [Cut to Cameron’s home. She and Chase are having dinner.] Chase: I could eat from this place seven days a week. Cameron: We practically do. Chase: [clearing the table] You can order tomorrow night. Do you want some wine? Cameron: No, thanks. [pause] I have my husband’s sperm. Chase: Your dad husband’s? Cameron: We froze it when he got diagnosed. Chase: And you kept it? All this time? Cameron: I used to think if I didn’t find anyone, then… Chase: You found someone. Cameron: I know. But… Chase: What if it goes wrong? What if I turn out to be a radical anarchist with a secret family and that I age backwards? Cameron: Nobody plans on getting divorced. I didn’t plan on my husband dying, but he did. Chase: So you’re saying you want a prenup, in liquid form. [Cut to sleep lab. House is in bed and taking off his watch.] Wilson: What if it’s not sleep apnea? Trauma from your motorcycle accident? Vicodin abuse? You need to be admitted. Amber: [Sitting on the foot of the bed] I know you’re wrong about sleep apnea which means you know you’re wrong about sleep apnea. You’re scared. Tell him you’re scared. House: [to Wilson] Can’t sleep with you here. [Wilson sighs and leaves.] [Cut to House’s office the next morning. Wilson stands as House enters.] Wilson: Did it work? House: Do you see someone standing beside me? Wilson: No. House: Then, no. [Amber is standing next to him.] Amber: So, what’s next on your list of things it’s not. Foreman: [entering] Patient’s not responding to the antibiotics. Still can’t breathe. House: So run a test to confirm it’s pneumonia. Foreman: We can’t do a bronc because her lungs are still collapsed. House: Trans-tracheal aspiration. Foreman: That’s basically water boarding. Wilson: It is pretty radical. Amber: It’s a great idea! House: Regular radical, me radical or me out of my mind radical? Wilson: Somewhere between regular and you. House: So what’s the problem? Foreman: Everything okay? House: No. Our patient can’t breathe. Either do the test or come up with a better one. [Foreman leaves. House hands Wilson a list on the back of an envelope] So, we’re down to infection, trauma, MS, schizophrenia, pills. Wilson: Schizophrenia usually manifests younger. House: That’s why it’s further down the list. We can confirm an infection with a simple blood test. Amber: An infection can be treated. Cured. Means you still got a job. Means you still got a life. Doesn’t make it a better idea, just a nicer one. This the rational you talking? House: [handing a blood drawing kit to Wilson] Can’t do this on my own. [Cut to Penelope’s room. Jeremy is holding her hand.] Foreman: When we inject the water it’s going to feel like you’re drowning, but it will be over in a few seconds. Penelope: Then it will be better? Taub: A little. Foreman: [to Taub who has moved to the head of the bed] Hold her shoulders down a little. [He swabs her throat with povidone.] Ready? [He starts the tracheotomy] You’re doing great. Here comes the liquid. [She starts to cough and sit up.] Taub. Taub: I slipped. Oh, no. Jeremy: What? Taub: Her skin came off. [Penelope starts to cry] [Cut to burn unit. Taub is draping a sheet of artificial skin on Penelope.] [Cut to room where House and Foreman are watching the procedure on TV. Jeremy is near a TV showing the procedure] Foreman: Her skin is sloughing off faster than we can replace it with the artificial skin. Thirteen: Could be autoimmune. Foreman: The ANA was negative. House: Focus on the lungs. Foreman: You want us to ignore the fact that she’s lost 80% of her skin? House: We know it’s not lung cancer. It could be a liver tumor, eats through to the lungs. Get an ultrasound of her liver. If you find masses, get a biopsy. Foreman: We can’t just ignore the skin. It’s obviously the most significant and dangerous symptom right now. House: I don’t think it is a symptom. I think we caused it. Thirteen: By doing what? House: I prescribed antibiotics. Foreman: Toxic epidermal necrolysis. That’s a one in a million reaction. House: Yeah, well, maybe this is the one. Get swabs of her old skin to confirm. [Cut to the Clinic. House raps on the door with his cane to get Wilson’s attention.] House: Where the hell were you? Wilson: I do have a practice. House: Ballerina has toxic epidermal necrolysis. Wilson: Are you sure? House: About to be. Wilson: I’m sorry. House: I feel guilty. Wilson: You didn’t do anything wrong. You prescribed antibiotics. Any other doctor would have done the exact same thing. Amber: Any other doctor? Words can hurt, you know. House: I have no reason to feel guilty. It doesn’t make any sense. Unless there’s something wrong in the limbic area of my brain. Wilson: Guilt as a symptom? House: It’s consistent with MS. And, since the blood tests were negative… I have to apologize. If I feel better then you’re right, I was feeling an emotion. If I feel nothing, it means my limbic brain is sht. [House leaves, followed by Amber.] [Cut to isolation room. Penelope is a bloody mess. Jeremy, gowned and masked, is holding her hand. House enters, also gowned and masked, without his cane.] House: I’m Doctor House. Anyone explain to you your status? Penelope: They found a mass in my liver. Cancer. Jeremy: They said that they think they can treat it and that the skin is starting to take. Penelope: I’ll be able to dance again. Amber: [sitting next to House] She’s half dad and she’s wondering if she’ll ever plie again? Healthy priorities. Let the mocking begin. House: I’m sorry. I treated you for an infection before confirming that you had one. That’s why you lost your skin. I know you’re in pain. I know that I caused it. I’m sorry. Amber: Very nice. [She pats him comfortingly on the leg] Jeremy: Thank you? House: [thinks then shakes his head] Nothing. [He leaves, tossing his gown in a hamper and grabbing his cane] [Cut to hall where House joins Amber. She does a little fifth position ballet movement] Amber: Maybe you didn’t mean it. House: I meant it. Did you do a liver biopsy to confirm? Foreman: [in the hall with Wilson] Couldn’t. The artificial skin was too thin. She’d bleed out. Why were you talking to the patient? House: I think skinless women are hot. Do a trans-jugular liver biopsy. If she bleeds, at least it stays in her veins. [He looks at Wilson] Foreman: Did you just check with Wilson again? House: No. [Foreman leaves] I felt nothing. It’s MS. Wilson: Apologies aren’t supposed to make you feel better. They’re supposed to make the other person feel better. House: In order to make you feel better. [They walk down the hall, followed by Amber] Wilson: Fine. You want to do an LP to confirm or is guilt enough to start filling prescriptions. [Cut to treatment room where Penelope is getting the trans-jugular biopsy] Foreman: Last mass about a centimeter to your right. [A machine beeps] Chase: Problem? Foreman: A short burst of flutter. We’re almost done. Chase: Entering the right hepatic vein. Cameron kept her dad husband’s sperm. Foreman: She doesn’t like yours? Chase: She likes his better. Or at least she wants to hang on to it in case mine is… unfaithful or something. Foreman: Wow. Chase: Advancing two centimeters. Foreman: You gotta let her do it. If you don’t, you’ll be stuck with her forever. Chase: I want to be stuck with her forever. Foreman: She married a dying guy. She has issues. You cannot leave her ever, for any reason because then you’re not just the guy who left her; you’re the guy who klled her kids. [A machine starts beeping rapidly] That’s not a good rhythm. Get out. Chase: Narrow complex tachycardia. She’s gonna crash. [Cut to Diagnostics Office] Taub: Liver biopsy was negative for cancer but the procedure sent her heart into a-fib. Thirteen: We don’t know it was the biopsy that caused the heart problem. Maybe the heart caused the lungs to collapse. Foreman: Why is Wilson here? House: You were looking for cancer. I thought it would be helpful for [he gestures toward Wilson] Foreman: We didn’t find cancer. House: Yes. Which you reported to me five seconds ago. Thought I’d let him finish his hors d’oeuvres before getting the bouncer to take care of him. Taub: Until we regulate the heart we can’t get meaningful pictures so we can’t tell… Wilson: Metoprolol can correct irregular heart… Foreman: Tried it. Didn’t work. Is Cuddy making him oversee? House: No! [Amber picks up an X-acto Knfe from House’s desk] Taub: Heart’s too irregular for MRI. Other scans wouldn’t … Foreman: Then you’re making him oversee your choices. You don’t trust yourself. Why? House: Wilson. Get out. Wilson: Are you sure? House: Do I need your approval to throw you out? [Wilson leaves] You happy now? Taub: There’s only times her heart’s going to be still for our pictures and that’s when she’s dad. Amber: It’s not MS. Severe mental illness and Vicodin are all that’s left. Mental illness means you can no longer practice medicine. Vicodin means detox, which means pain for the rest of your life. Which means you can no longer practice medicine. [She plunges the Knfe deeply into her arm and cuts up toward her elbow. The wound is several inches long and bleeds profusely.] House: Are you saying we should kll her? Taub: No. House: If we stopped her heart we could get our pictures and then restart it. Thirteen: What if we can’t restart it? House: Then she stays dad. Taub: We restart hearts all the time. Thirteen: It’ll take four minutes to MRI her entire heart. Foreman: And we only have three minutes until there’s brain damage. Sure about this? House: Yeah. [Cut to a nurses’ station where Wilson is charting] House: We’re gonna stop her heart so I can MRI it. I think it was her idea. Pneumonia was her idea and almost klled my patient. Wilson: Her? Amber: Ooops. House: Kutner was secretly a woman. That’s why he klled himself. [Wilson waits] It’s Amber. Wilson: Your subconscious picked my dad girlfriend? House: Yeah. The irrational part of my brain works like the rational part of yours. How about that. Wilson: It raises questions. Amber: It answers questions. House: Who cares? I’ve got competing ideas. They can’t both be right. Amber: Everybody gets competing ideas. Everybody has doubts. House: So is it regular radical, me radical or me out of my mind radical? Wilson: It’s on the upper end of you radical. Do you have any alternative? House: Nothing that anyone in my head has come up with. Wilson: Then you’re as safe as you can be. House: Great. [starts to leave, turns back] You get the LP results back? Wilson: Yeah. It’s a big shock. You don’t have MS. But while I had your blood sample, I checked your Vicodin levels. Way too high. House: I need the pills. Amber: Not an argument. He knows that’s not an argument. House: It could still be schizophrenia. Wilson: House, if you’re on anti-psych meds, you’re not going to be able to practice. House: I know. Wilson: You’d prefer electroshock therapy to rehab? House: I’d prefer something that could actually work. Wilson: You’re rationalizing. Amber: No kidding. Wilson: I know that you’re afraid of the pain, but electoshock? House: Don’t give me the cancer voice, that overly earnest tone. Wilson: Heart attck, stroke, seizure, death or worse. House: Worse? Double-death? Wilson: You live but you damage the only thing you care about. Your rational mind. [House lets this sink in, then nods] I’ll make some calls. [Cut to MRI room] Penelope: I’ll actually be dad? Chase: Just your heart. Just for a little while. Penelope: Hopefully. [Chase zaps her with the defibrillator paddles, starts the MRI and joins Thirteen, Taub and Foreman in the control room] [Cut to House’s office. He is talking on the phone with Wilson who is in the cafeteria.] House: I have an idea. Wilson: Stop having ideas. House: Insulin shock. Wilson: Yes. That’s marginally less dangerous than ECT. Puts you in a coma, could cause… House: Could work. Wilson: If you had psychosis, which you don’t. House: I’ve had no diarrhea, no sweating, no vomiting. None of the symptoms of Vicodin overdose. Wilson: Yeah, except the “I see dad people” thing. House: I’ve been popping pills for years. I’ve only been seeing things for days. Something changed. Wilson: Vicodin addiction is still more likely. House: So, we’re no longer dealing in absolutes. Wilson: House, I’ll be up in five minutes. Then we can talk about how you’d rather be in a coma than in rehab. House: Actually, if you could be up here in two, that’d be really helpful. Wilson: Why? House: Because I’m about to put myself into insulin shock. [Wilson grabs the edge of the table and propels himself out of the booth.] [Inter-cut between MRI room and House’s office] Thirteen: Left atrium is fine. Taub: Left coronary artery also fine. We’re almost at three minutes. [The clock shows 8 seconds remain.] Foreman: Keep going. Chase: Chordae tendineae clear. Thirteen: Right atrium is fine. Chase: I got to start her back up. Thirteen: We have some time. Chase: We’re over. Taub: Right coronary artery is fine. Thirteen: The three-minute threshold is a guideline. Chase: She might have less. We have to stop. Foreman: What’s that by the aorta? Taub: I don’t see anything. Chase: I’m restarting her heart. Foreman: That’s a shadow. Two centimeters… [Chase interrupts the scan and gets Penelope out.] [Cut to House’s office. Amber is sitting on the floor] House: You’re only scared because you know this is going to work. [He injects the insulin in his left forearm] [Cut to MRI. Chase shocks Penelope. It’s 19 seconds past the 3-minute mark.] Thirteen: We’re over three minutes. [Chase shocks her again] [Cut to House, withdrawing the needle. He stares at Amber who gets blurry, as does the rest of the room] [Cut to Chase, shocking Penelope for the third and forth time.] [Cut to House, smiling. Amber stands and quickly recedes past the desk. She disappears through the wall.] House: Yes. [He begins to seize.] [Cut to Penelope, awake] [Cut to House, falling off his chair onto the floor, convulsing. Wilson runs to him] Wilson: I need glucose in here! [Cut to House lying on a gurney. Wilson is pacing. House wakes up and looks around.] Wilson: You could have died. [House pushes the curtain between cubicles aside and looks in.] House: It worked. Where are my pants? Wilson: Are you sure? [Picks up House’s jeans] House: She’s been everywhere I’ve been for days. [House sits on the edge of the gurney with his (scarless) right thigh showing. He pulls on his pants while Wilson tosses his jeans on the gurney.] She’s not here, ergo… Wilson: This was not the next rational step. House: Now who’s being biased? You wanted me to detox as much as I wanted… [stops dressing] Forgot how to do my zipper. Wilson: Any other neurological deficit? House: You don’t seem to annoy me as usual. I’m not sure that’s a deficit. [zips pants] And, I’m all better. [Wilson puts his hands on House’s shoulders and pushes him firmly back down. He takes out a flashlight and checks House’s eyes.] Wilson: Is she really gone? House: Absolutely. I can feel myself repressing all kinds of icky things. I check out, don’t I? [Wilson shrugs as House’s beeper goes off. He checks it] Damn. [Cut to light board room. The walls are covered with x-rays] Chase: He didn’t see anything. He saw an artifact on the monitor. Foreman: It was a shadow on her heart. Chase: She’d already been technically dad for three minutes. I thought keeping her alive took precedence over prolonging the photo op. House: Any brain damage? Thirteen: No. And all tests indicate that… House: Obviously had more time. Chase: [giving up] Best of luck. [He leaves] House: I assume we can’t kll her again and take more pictures. Foreman: Uhhh. You’ll wanna check with Wilson? House: Good one. Taub: It’s something. A lesion. Thirteen: Tumor? Scar tissue? Foreman: Could be an abscess infection. Explains why it’s invisible in the blood. It’s doing its damage behind closed doors, sealed off. House: See, the problem with speculation is you make a speck out of you and some guy named “Lation” which really doesn’t affect me at all. Taub: We have to guess. It’s all we’ve got. We can’t do a biopsy. The last time we went into her heart she had a major cardiac event. House: Which just leaves… [He leaves, followed by the fellows.] [Cut to observation room over the isolation unit. Jeremy is holding Penelope’s hand.] Taub: What are you looking for? House: I don’t know yet. Thirteen: The picture doesn’t change. She lies there in pain. He sits there, worried. House: Nothing changes. [pause] I just had an epiphany. All by myself. Popped into my head out of nothing. Taub: Care to share? House: He’s too devoted. Foreman: Too devoted? You think he feels guilty? House: Right. I’m being cynical. People can care because they care, not because they cheated. Theoretically true. But gonorrhea fits better. Thirteen: No. No STDs. We tested her. House: Tested her blood. Taub: That is the test. House: That’s not where her problem is. Gonorrhea disseminated to her heart. Got walled off in an abscess, it’d be invisible. Foreman: And it would look like a shadow. House: No need to test her again when we can check Prince Charming. Once you confirm, cut the abscess out of her heart. [Cut to a restaurant. House is sitting at a window seat.] Molly: Here are your onion rings, extra well done. House: Thank you, Molly. And another beer when you get the chance. I’m celebrating. Molly: Alone? House: Thank goodness. [MMMBop is heard. House pulls out his cell phone.] Don’t tell me, I was right. Foreman: [at House’s desk] Yep. Boyfriend has gonorrhea. House: And everyone’s a winner. Foreman: He’s not too happy about it. He insists he’s never cheated, must have gotten it from her. House: Don’t think so. Foreman: Timing would fit. He’s got no symptoms and she’s dying. House: Lying would fit too. Foreman: He’s not hanging out in her room anymore. [House thinks] What does it matter? You were right. We’re prepping her for surgery. House: I saw guilt in him. If he’s not actually guilty, then I wasn’t right. I was lucky. Foreman: House, you made a brilliant deduction about her heart. House: And if I was just lucky… [House hears humming. He turns. Amber is by the microphone on the restaurant’s bandstand. She starts singing. One. Word. At. A. Time] Amber: Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think. Enjoy yourself, while you’re still in the pink. The years go by [laughs] as quickly as a wink. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself. It’s later than you think. [Laughs] [House looks terrified. His hand lowers to the table and he stares at Amber. During the last two “enjoy yourself”s, he picks up the phone again and talks over Amber’s singing.] House: Wilson. Come get me. [Cut to Wilson’s car. It’s raining and House is staring out the window.] Wilson: I know a nice facility outside Philly. I went to undergrad with one of the directors. House: Thanks. [Amber, in the back seat, smiles.] [Cut to House’s bedroom. He’s taking clothes out of his bureau.] House: How many shirts do I need? Wilson: They said three. They have laundry. Amber: Like living with Mom again. Delightful. [MMMBop is heard. Wilson takes House’s phone from the dresser.] House: It’s probably Foreman. Wilson: He’s unavailable. Foreman: [in Penelope’s room] Tell him the infection’s made her septic. We can’t remove the abscess until we get her BP up and it’s not responding to fluids, it’s not… Wilson: He’s off the case. [He closes the phone.] House: Patient okay? Wilson: Yeah. Amber: He’s lying. House: Why don’t I feel scared? Wilson: I’d say you’re unaware of what you’re feeling at this moment. House: I feel like crap. My life if falling apart, but I don’t feel scared. Not of the rehab, anyway. Amber: We’ve always been able to find a way to cheat. House: It won’t work. Wilson: You want it to work this time. Amber: Do we? Wilson: House, it’s your only option. House: What do I do if my only option won’t work? Wilson: You don’t give up. House: Hmm. It’s either that or electroshock every six hours. Good night, Wilson. [Cut to the observation room] Taub: What if we put her on a heart-lung machine? Thirteen: She’s septic. We don’t need a heart-lung machine. We need a blood-vessel-holder-together machine. Foreman: We could try high-dose dopamine. It’s a vasoconstrictor. It’ll close the blood vessels so she won’t bleed out. Taub: Her heart can’t take that much dopamine. It’ll explode. Foreman: And, if we don’t use the dopamine, it’ll implode. Thirteen: Is House really done? Foreman: It sounded that way. Thirteen: Dopamine it is. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s getting ready to leave for the day. House enters, walks to her desk and stands there, silently.] Cuddy: It’s late and I’m tired. Can we get to the talking part of this conversation? House: I quit. Cuddy: Great. My nanny is off the clock at 7:30 so your week off, bigger desk, tighter nurses’ uniforms or whatever other stupid thing you’re about to demand is going to have to wait until… House: You can go suckle the little bastard child who makes you feel good about yourself. Cuddy: [very hurt] Screw you. [She walks to the door.] Amber: Don’t do this. House: I’m hallucinating. Cuddy: [stops] From the Vicodin? House: Ruled out everything else. Cuddy: We can, uh, admit you through the ER under a pseudonym. No one has to… House: I’ll cheat, scam, find some way to keep using. Cuddy: These people know what they’re doing. House: These people don’t know me. You do. Amber: She’s not your keeper. She has no responsibility for you. House: I need you. Cuddy: Let me call my baby sitter. [Cut to OR. Chase is operating. Foreman, Taub and Thirteen are in the observation balcony.] Taub: Blood pressure is 90 over 60. Foreman: We know. Taub: I’m just saying it’s still 90 over 60. It’s holding. Chase: Abscess is intact. It doesn’t look like any of the surrounding tissue is affected. She’s gonna be fine. Nurse: Doctor! [She peels back the drape over Penelope’s hand. He looks and lifts the drape over the other hand. Her fingers are a black/copper/gray color. Her toes look the same.] Chase: We’ve got a problem. [Cut to House’s living room. He’s on the couch, vomiting into the trash can.] Cuddy: Lie down. I’ll get you some tea. House: Yeah. That’ll be better. [He watches her leave then leans across the couch to open a decorative box on the end table.] Amber: You really think she hasn’t searched this place for your secret stash? [He feels inside the box, anyway, as Cuddy returns.] Cuddy: I already did this room and the bathroom and your bedroom. Where should I look, in the kitchen? House: [His eyes are watering. He’s shivering. His hand has a major tremor. He can barely speak.] Coffee cup. On the top shelf. Cuddy: That was a test. I already did the kitchen. Amber: Nicely played. She’ll think you’ve come clean and given her everything. [House nods] House: There’s more. Amber: Don’t. You’re hurting already. It’ll only get worse. Cuddy: House, you should tell me where it is now because you won’t have the will to tell me in two hours. House: My shoes in the closet. Amber: It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore. [House continues to shake. He throws his head back on the couch with a groan.] Cuddy: Okay. Hold my hand. [Cut to recovery room. Penelope wakes up.] Penelope: Am I okay? Chase: We were able to successfully remove the abscess from your heart but the dopamine caused the blood vessels in your hands and feet to clamp shut. We need to amputate or the gangrene will spread. You’ll die. Penelope: My feet? Chase: And your hands. I’m sorry. Penelope: No. I’m a dancer. Chase: The tissue can’t be saved. Penelope: No. [Chase looks up at the observation deck where the fellows are.] [Cut to Diagnostics Office. House’s desk is noticeably empty.] Taub: We know what House would do. Chase: House would have never woken her up to ask for consent. If you can’t live with the answer, don’t ask the question. Thirteen: You’re saying we should accept her decision. Chase: Bold idea, I know. Thirteen: Maybe we can get the boyfriend to convince her to do it. Chase: Yeah. Boyfriends get everything they want. Foreman: Forget it. The boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to her at all. [He stands.] Taub: Where are you going? Foreman: Home. The case is over. Taub: No, it’s not. Not until we come up with something that might work. It’s a shame that she might die because House has some personal crap to work through. Chase: Technically, if she dies it’s because House has some personal crap to work through and we weren’t smart enough to get the answer without him. [Chase pushed the right button. Foreman sits back down.] [Cut to House’s bathroom. He’s sitting on the floor, curled around the toilet. Cuddy is sitting, watching him.] House: False alarm. Cuddy: Drink this. [Hands him a glass.] House: That’s your advice? Drink this? Cuddy: It’s ginger. It’ll ease the nausea. House: You know what would calm the nausea? Vicodin. Marijuana. A coma. [He sees a lone Vicodin on the floor, past the bath mat.] Amber: Now, don’t pretend you didn’t see it. I saw it, which means you saw it. Send her away. [He swallows some of the ginger.] House: Too bitter. I already have enough bitter. Cuddy: I’ll add some honey. [She leaves] Amber: You’re pathetic. If you want the pill, just send her home. But you can’t because that would mean admitting defeat to her. [House stretches out his bad leg and starts crawling toward the pill.] Amber (continues): Now this is interesting. If you take the pill, you don’t deserve her. If you secretly take the pill, you don’t deserve anyone. [House reaches for the pill just as Cuddy returns.[ Cuddy: No! [She puts down the glass, runs over and grabs the pill.] House: No! No! [Cuddy tosses the pill in the toilet and flushes it. House slides back and sticks his hands in, trying to retrieve it. She strokes his arm.] [Cut to OR. A syringe of something is being used on Penelope.] Chase: This isn’t going to work. Taub: It might work. That’s all we’re going for. Vasodilators can… Chase: Big jump from reopening to reanimating. I’m out of the ulnar. I’m not seeing any clearing. This won’t work. Taub: This probably won’t work. Chase: Radial artery’s really tight. Taub: Don’t go too fast. If it clots, she loses the hand. Chase: If it clots, she’s dad. [He looks at the monitor] I can’t believe it. Taub: What? Chase: It might be working. [Cut to House’s apartment at dawn. He’s lying on the couch. Cuddy is curled on the chair with a blanket, a cup of tea and a fishing magazine.] House: Can you stop? The breathing. Cuddy: Air goes in. Air goes out. House: Then use your nose. Cuddy: You’re supposed to feel like crap. You’re doing great. House: And after? Cuddy: You come back to work. House: And what if I can’t? Cuddy: Opioid dependency can make you think you have more pain than you really have. You’re going to be okay. House: You’re telling me what I want to hear. With no evidence. Cuddy: I’m telling you what I believe to be true. House: With no evidence. Cuddy: You’re hardly the most unbiased observer. House: Neither are you. [Cuddy looks surprised.] I’m your hospital’s biggest asset. Cuddy: Is that why you think I’m here? House: That’s why you’re here. That’s why you’re lying to me about… Cuddy: I haven’t lied to you in 20 years. House: Sure you have. [He props himself up, interested in the puzzle] Which means that you just said that because you want to tell me what you lied to me about twenty years ago. Cuddy: You’re an ass. House: Am I wrong? Cuddy: I wasn’t in your endocrinology class. House: You sat next to me. I cheated off you in the midterm. Cuddy: I audited your endocrinology class. House: Why would you…? Cuddy: Because I thought you were an interesting lunatic, even then. I’m not here protecting hospital property. [House thinks for a minute.] House: We’re alone. Cuddy: We’ve been alone all night. House: No, I mean Amber. She’s gone. [Cut to Penelope’s room. She looks at her hands. Taub enters.] Penelope: Where’s Jeremy? Taub: He left. [pause] You okay? [She nods.] [Cut to Cameron’s apartment. Chase is on the couch.] Chase: The surgery worked. Cameron: Congratulations. Chase: I can’t do it. You have doubts. Cameron: And you don’t? Chase: No. Cameron: Well, that’s… naïve. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you. That’s how I feel right now. But I don’t… know. Chase: I’ll wait until you do. [He stands] Cameron: I can’t know. No one knows. Chase: I do. [He leaves] [Cut to House’s apartment. Cuddy is putting on her jacket.] Cuddy: I’ll see you in later? I have some papers to push for you. House: Thank you. Cuddy: [starts to open the door] You want to kiss me, don’t you? House: I always want to kiss you. [She leans over and gives him a chaste kiss on the lips. They look at each other for a couple of seconds then he pushes the door closed and they grab each other. Then they’re against the wall, kissing, groping and pulling Cuddy’s jacket off.] The End	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x23 - Under My Skin"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a fancy restaurant. Warren and Paula are at a table, eating.] Warren: The risotto’s not bad, but it’s not what Chef Zane did back a Fortunato. He replaced the rosemary with saffron, for one thing. And what is this stock? Did he get it. out of a can. [There’s a slight thudding sound and Warren looks back over his left shoulder.] Paula: My fish isn’t bad. Warren: But it’s not great either, I’m sure. I warned you against the snapper. [Another thud as a dinner roll hits Warren in the back. As he looks around, Scott, at the next table, hands the bread basket to Annie.] Annie: Do you think it’ll calm down? Scott: God, I hope so. That guy is a bit of a blowhard, though, isn’t he? The food’s not spicy at all. You can barely taste it. Annie: Mine’s pretty spicy. Try it. Scott: [swallowing a bite of Annie’s main course] I don’t taste anything. ]Warren comes to the table/] Warren: You been throwing rolls at me? Scott: [clearing his throat] Uh… It wasn’t me. Annie: Uh, really. He didn’t. Scott: I’m sorry that someone would choose to behave that way. Really, I… Yeah. [Scott stands and shakes hands with Warren. With his left hand, he grabs his water glass from the table and throws it at Warren’s crotch. Scott (continues): I’m so sorry. Really, really, really sorry! [Warren grabs him] No, no, no, I swear I… [He begins to have some sort of seizure] It’s… not… me. [Warren ends up supporting Scott by holding his shirtfront as Scott falls to the floor. There is a stream of blood on his face, originating from his left eye.] [Opening Credits] [Cut to House’s bedroom. House stretches and rolls onto his back. He’s not wearing his usual t-shirt. He turns and looks at the far side of the bed and sits up. After a moment, he smiles.] [Cut to House in the hallway, wearing an old flannel bathrobe. He doesn’t have his cane and he takes a couple of lurching steps.] [Cut to House’s bathroom. He looks in the mirror and touches a red smear on his left cheek, then runs his fingers across his lips. He smiles again. He looks down and sees a lipstick on the toilet tnk. He picks it up, reads the bottom of the tube, uncaps it and twists it open, still smiling.] [Cut to PPTH Emergency Room. Taub is checking out a file with Cameron.] Taub: Bloody tears could just mean subconjuctival hemorrhage. He sneezed too hard from a cold, which caused his lack of taste. House isn’t gonna care. Does “black tie optional” really mean black tie? Cause I don’t wanna rent… Cameron: There’s been a glitch with the wedding. And House will be interested. Taub: A glitch? Cameron: Patient had his corpus callosum cut to correct a seizure issue. Taub: A glitch? Cameron: The seizures stopped after the surgery, but he’s having trouble adjusting to a split brain. Taub: A glitch? Cameron: [entering the bay where Scott and Annie are] This is Dr. Taub. Tell him about shopping. Scott: Uh, I go into a grocery store. Everything seems normal. I get to the checkout and there’s all these extra items in the cart. Stuff I didn’t put there. Stuff that I hate. My left hand hates me. [He uses his right hand to stop the left one from removing the blood pressure cuff.] Taub: Yeah. I think House’ll be interested. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House is heard, singing.] House: Clang, clang, clang went the trolley. Ding, ding ding hmm hmm hmm. Just warning you — I’m in a good mood. And largely pain free. So I have no idea how things are going — Taub: Alien hand syndrome. House: Set off by a stroke? Or is there a pony in the backyard? Taub: Split brain. Right hemisphere controls the left and — House: Is making life miserable. Non-logical thinkers often do. Thirteen: Current issue isn’t the split brain. The surgery corrected — Foreman: You’re dissing the right hemisphere? House: Most people who have this operation don’t even notice they’re missing anything. Left brain has language, arithmetic, rationality. Right brain is a mute loser. Taub: Right brain is more aesthetically oriented. Has greater facial recognition. I couldn’t have been a plastic surgeon without it. House: Yes. And where would junior high be without our ability to judge people on aesthetics? Foreman: Right brain’s also more aware of the present moment, our place in the universe. House: It’s a universal daisy chain of peace and love that throws buns at people. Thirteen: His present symptoms could mean autoimmune disease, nasolacrimal tumor, an infection or just a cold. [Cuddy enters.] House: Good morning, sunshine. We got a brand new toy. You wanna play? Cuddy: We need to talk. House: Great. I love euphemisms. By euphemism I mean when you say something and it means something else. [He closes the file and drops it on the table before following Cuddy to his office.] Begin eliminating. Search the home. [Cut to House’s office.] House: The, uh… [He gestures at her high-necked blouse.] Isn’t that like locking the barn door after the horse has put his face between your breasts for an hour and a half? Cuddy: I’m your boss. You’re an employee. House: Well, I’m not normally into role-playing, but if you wanna… [He approaches her. She backs up slightly.] Cuddy: People who get close to you get hurt. That’s a fact. You’re also a valued doctor in this hospital. That’s another fact. From now on, we’re gonna focus on the second fact. House: So this isn’t you freaking out over last night. Cuddy: This isn’t an emotional decision. I’m just giving you the rules. You can either accept them or leave. [She leaves. He looks down at the lipstick, which he has in his hand, smiles slightly, tosses the lipstick in the air and catches it.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. House walks in. Wilson looks up briefly as House sits.] House: I slept with Cuddy. After she helped me detox from Vicodin. I’ve been clean for almost 24 hours now. [Wilson stares at him. House waits a moment.] Okay. Thought I’d mention it. [He gets up to leave.] Wilson: Wow. [pause] Wow. One for each. House: That’s what she said. A ha ha ha. Wilson: How’s the pain? House: She’s probably got some bruising… Wilson: Yeah. I get it. You’re a stud. This is serious, House. House: I feel better than I did four hours ago. Four hours from now, I’ll feel better than this. Wilson: The other wow. You were sober. She was sober? House: Clean and sober and hot. Wilson: Wow. This is fantastic. How are you gonna screw it up? House: Several good options. Unfortunately I don’t think she’s gonna give me the pleasure. She left before I woke up, and five minutes ago she told me that I’m just an employee. Wilson: Ha. House: Yes. Wilson: Well, either she’s actually in love with you and scared, or she realized last night was a gigantic mistake. You were needy and vulnerable. She was maternal. House: You think she jumped me out of pity? Wilson: No, I’m saying whatever’s going on you… need to talk to her. House: Absolutely. [He leaves] [Cut to Scott’s apartment. Thirteen and Taub are searching.] Thirteen: Does our patient freak you out a little? Taub: No. Thirteen: If he’s two people, then we’re all two people, and we just don’t know it. What does that say about identity? Taub: It says we’re making it up as we go along, which I find freeing. Wow, I haven’t been in a bathroom this size since my dorm in med school. [He looks up] Is that fungus? Thirteen: It’s from the steam build-up. [She stands on the toilet seat to take a sample.] Taub: What do you think of this ‘glitch’ with Chase and Cameron’s wedding? Thirteen: It’s always a sad thing when sperm comes between people. [Cut to the cafeteria. Chase is getting his lunch. Taub comes up behind him.] Taub: I hear the sperm is very good today. I mean the salmon. [Chase takes his tray and sits at one of the tables in the nearly empty cafeteria. Taub joins him.] Chase: Go away. Taub: No other tables. Chase: You’d let your wife keep another man’s offspring on ice next to the frozen peas, just in case? That’s what this is about. She’s not ready to commit to me. She’s planning for failure. Taub: Did you know that male fruit flies have toxic chemicals in their seminal fluid that inhibit the sperm of other males. [Chase picks up his tray and leaves.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. House is behind her desk, checking out a camera. Cuddy enters.] House: Wilson says we need to talk. Cuddy: We talked. House: I agree. [He takes her picture.] This has clearly gotten past the talking stage. [He leaves, pivoting by the door to take two more pictures.] Cuddy: What? [Cut to Scott’s room. Annie enters, carrying stuff.] Scott: Hi. Great. Did you find my MP3? Annie: Uh, not yet. But I got your shaving stuff, toothpaste, deodorant, some magazines and this cactus from your window. Scott: You didn’t have to do that, really. The hospital supplies all that stuff. Annie: I’m still trying to hard, huh? Trying to get your other half to like me. Scott: No, no, no, no. Don’t say that, okay? I like you. Which means that it — [His left hand picks up a red can and hurls it against the wall as Thirteen enters.] We shouldn’t read into that. Thirteen: Antifungal meds. Ordinarily we’d put them in you’re IV but since your right brain doesn’t seem to fond of IVs… You should be feeling better in a few days. Annie: I have to get back to work. Rick says your shift will be waiting for you when you get back. Scott: Thanks. [[As she starts to lean in to him, his left hand slaps her across the face, very hard.] Oh! Oh my God! God, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry. Annie: I have to go. I have to get back to work. Scott: Babe, wait. Hold on! No, it wasn’t me. [He starts to get out of bed to follow her and falls on the floor.] I can’t walk. [Cut to House’s office. House is leaning back in his chair, rolling the lipstick tube over the backs of his fingers like a magician with a coin. He’s looking out the window while his staff discusses the case in the conference room.] Taub: Well, obviously it wasn’t the fungus. Thirteen: And it’s not a coordination issue. Dehydration can cause loss of balance. We haven’t had him on IV. Foreman: No, good skin turgor. Not orthostatic. House: Could be our tax dollars at work, constantly building new roadways and bridges. [He puts the lipstick in his jacket pocket.] A meningioma. Slow growing. Could extend along the subosteal layer of the cranial cavity and be hidden by the bone. Thirteen: The cancer cells are actually re-growing a connection between the left and right hemispheres. Foreman: If you’re right, the two halves have gn sending messages again, but it’s too early in the process for him to pick up on it. But, we can test for it. [Cut to Wilson’s office. House tosses 2 thermal pictures of Cuddy on the desk.] House: Proof. Wilson: You didn’t talk to her, did you? House: If I talked, she’d have lied. I’d have lied. And though two negatives make a positive, I thought thermal-imaging photos seemed simpler. Note how many more heated areas appear after less than a minute with me. Wilson: So it’s either love or possibly rage. House: Don’t talk to her. Wilson: I have no plans to talk to her. House: Manipulation is in your genetic code. You think I’m making a mistake, you move in to correct it. Wilson: You are making a mistake. House: She lied to me. Either last night or today. I need to find out which and why. Wilson: And clearly, thermal imaging is the way. This isn’t a case. You’re not looking for a diagnosis. If this matters at all to you, please, for once in your life, be an adult. [Cut to a test area. Foreman, Taub and Thirteen are in an observation room. Scott sits, facing three large computer screens.] Foreman: Keep your eyes focused on the plus sign. Any image that appears on the far right will only be seen by your left brain. And any image on your far left will only be seen by your right brain. Scott: Okay. Foreman: Just start by saying the words. Scott: Book. Giraffe. Willow. Fortunate. [The first four words were on the screen on the right. “Candle” appears on the left screen.] Foreman: You’re not saying the word. Scott: I didn’t see a word. Foreman: Could you draw a picture of what you think the word might be. Scott: Uh. Look. I didn’t see… [He draws a picture of a candle. His picture appears on the center screen.] Candle. Taub: This is so cool. Thirteen: Yeah, that’s not freaky at all. [House enters.] Foreman: No communication. House: So far. [The left screen has “stand up” on it. Scott stands.] Foreman: Scott, why are you standing? Scott: Uh… I’m a little chilly. I thought I’d get a sweater or something from my room. Is that okay? Foreman: A few more minutes. House: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the left hemisphere… The side that’s obsessed with finding answers. The one that needs things to make sense. The interpreter. That’s where we tell the story of who we are and why we do things. Taub: That’s also the side that was wrong. Right brains advantage is that it isn’t logical. Doesn’t choose which details to look at. Makes connections you could never see. You owe your insight to the “mute loser.” House: I’ll send it tickets to a Phillies game. Thirteen: Confabulation means no communication. Means your theory’s wrong. [Scott is wrapping his arms around himself and is rubbing his side.] House: But he is cold. [He leaves the observation area and goes to Scott.] Why are you scratching? Scott: It itches. House: Ammonia breath. [He opens Scott’s gown.] Your liver is failing. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s drinking coffee from a white cardboard cup while Wilson goes over a proposal with her.] Wilson: I know for them to approve this price they’ll need statistical documentation. What? Why are you looking at me? Cuddy: When you first walked in, I was under the impression you wanted to say something else. Wilson: Nope. Cuddy: About House and me. Wilson: There’s nothing to talk about. House: [enters, also drinking coffee] I want permission to do a liver biopsy. We’re looking for sarcoidosis. Cuddy: Fine. [She puts her coffee cup on the desk] House: What do you mean, fine? Cuddy: What do you mean, what do I mean? Do you meant that because a liver biopsy is not a test that, by any stretch of the imagination, can be considered risky, so asking my permission is essentially wasting my time, and you’re wondering what my reaction to that will be? House: Yes. [He puts his coffee cup on the desk] Cuddy: Are you trying to make me angry? House: Yes. Cuddy: Do your biopsy. And also do your clinic hours. House: I’m blwing off my clinic hours. Cuddy: Really? Let’s see how that goes. [Wilson looks at them both. Cuddy is calm and smiling slightly.] Still not angry. Try again later. [House takes Cuddy’s coffee and leaves.] [Cut to Scott’s room. Thirteen and Taub are there. Thirteen is doing an ultrasound on his abdomen.] Scott: Uh, sorry. I know I’m a little ripe. Just a sweaty guy. Thirteen: Recently? Scott: Always. [His left hand pushes the transducer away.] With a crazy left hand. Sometimes I fantasize about cutting it off. Just a fantasy. It’s the hand that’s crazy, not me. [It shoves the transducer away again. He restrains it with his right hand. Thirteen looks at Taub who has a large syringe in his hand.] Taub: What? If it doesn’t like an ultrasound wand, how’s it going to react to a needle? Scott: Can you get music into this room? [Cut to House and Wilson walking down the hall.] Wilson: I think you’re using your relationship with Cuddy as a replacement for drugs. You should be in more pain so soon into detoxing, but your body’s full of romantic endorphins. And on top of that, you create this distraction of looking for proof. House: Think I should stop and let the pain flood back? Wilson: Cuddy is not a Vicodin substitute. House: Quite the opposite. Wilson: You have to wait for her to be ready. House: Great advice. You pretend that I’m gonna do that. Wilson: You’ve made two major changes in your life. Not a time anyone’s judgment is at it’s best. House: Didn’t you use to argue that my judgment would be better off drugs? Admit it. You’re curious why I want to make her angry. Wilson: I’m sure it’s convoluted, wrong and stupid. House: You’re dying to know what I found in her coffee cup. Wilson: No. House: Oxytocin. [He goes into his office, followed by Wilson.] Wilson: Oxytocin. The chemical involved in emotional bonding. House: Her lips say “no,” her hormones say “Oh, my God, yes. More!” Wilson: No. For you to know her levels were elevated, you’d need a baseline to compare them with. House: I paid the guy in the gym to retrieve one of her water bottles from the trash. Wilson: Love inspires us to greatness. House: So, I need to make her lose her temper. Which breaks her delusion. Which demonstrates to me and to her that there’s something underneath this facade. Wilson: And then what happens? She admits everything and falls into your arms? House: That’s outcome one. Outcome two is she kills me. I think it’s 50/50 right now. Wilson: Great. House: I thought you’d say that. Wilson: You’re committing yourself to something. To someone. I mean it’s childish in a way but ultimately great. Assuming… Are you absolutely sure you want this to succeed? House: Why is an old guy standing in my doorway? [The old guy enters and shakes Wilson’s hand, then House’s.] Eugene: Eugene Schwartz. Eugene Schwartz. Dr. Cuddy asked me to come up here from the clinic. She says you’re seeing patients in your office. It’s still free, though, isn’t it? House: She sent him. That’s gotta mean something. Wilson: I’ll go get my decoder ring. [He leaves] Eugene: I squawk. Like a parrot. [pause] Cawwww. No. That’s not it. It started a few months ago. I was doing some woodworking in my garage. I was trying to make a chair. Was it the chair? Anyway, all of a sudden, from nowhere, this strange noise comes bursting out of my mouth. Caw, caw. [He shakes his head] Tough to fake that. House: Nice pants. [He gets up to leave, Eugene follows him.] Eugene: My wife, Mona, thinks I’m busting her chops. It’s ruining my marriage. Where are we going? [Cut to Scott’s room. He’s playing air guitar to China Grove.] Taub: So, your left hand would rather play air guitar than give me a hard time? Scott: It’d rather play air guitar than tie shoes, eat dinner… Thirteen: You’re right hand’s playing too. Scott: I don’t wanna discourage it. [Thirteen looks at his hands as he plays.] Thirteen: Splinter hemorrhages under his fingernails. Scott: What’s that? [He suddenly sits up and vomits blood off the far side of the bed.] Taub: BP and O2 sats are dropping! Thirteen: Need a bag of B-negative in here! [Cut to doctors’ locker room.] Taub: So much for sarcoidosis. Foreman: Points to a clotting issue. Clots would explain all his symptoms. Why aren’t we in the office? House: I’m tired of clinic duty. There’s only one thing that could cause squawking, right? Thirteen: Yeah. We gave him heparin and did an echo of his heart to see if it was throwing clots, but — House: More air guitar? Taub: The heart’s fine. We wanted to test for Factor V Leiden, Protein C, Protein S but the hand got tired of cooperating. We finally knocked him out. House: And all the tests came up negative anyway, or you would have opened by telling me your brilliant diagnosis. Thirteen: He apologized for being sweaty, said it had always been an issue but what if it’s a symptom? There are cancers that can cause night sweats and can lead to clots — lymphoma… House: Or pancreatic cancer. Go scan his pancreas. And try Led Zeppelin. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She is talking to a gay couple in their 30s.] Man A: We’ve always remembered what this hospital did for Leo when his appendix burst. Cuddy: Still, a check this size… [The door opens.] Eugene: Sorry to interrupt. Here’s my poo. [He puts a brown paper lunch bag on the table.] Dr. House said to bring it over and leave it with you as soon as I could. I don’t know if you people have an official term for it — Cuddy: Stool sample. Eugene: Ah, yes. Cuddy: Thank you. I’ll take care of it. Eugene: It’s hard to rush these things. Even if you’ve eaten a lot of broccoli. [Cut to Scott’s room. He’s dressed and is putting things in a bag.] Taub: Where are you going? Scott: Annie called. She’s not coming back. Thirteen: This is not the best time. Scott: Look, you said the heparin would keep new clots from forming. Thirteen: Maybe. But something’s obviously causing the clots. Taub: If you have pancreatic cancer — Thirteen: We’re not trying to scare you, but even in its early stages the fatality rate… Taub: You walk out of here — Scott: Stop! [His left hand throws a red can against the window.] Look, I’d ask you to put yourself in my place, but nobody can put themselves in my place. Did she find somebody new? Was I not being attentive enough? No. She’s just tired of being insulted by a limb. She said that my feelings toward her were mixed. [His left hand starts unbuttoning his shirt.] Well, my feelings aren’t mixed. Taub: You’re not going anywhere unless you wanna go naked. [Scott grabs his left hand as it starts taking off his shirt.] Your right brain knows you need to stay. Scott: My right brain’s an ass. [He sighs.] [Cut to House’s office. He’s leaning on his desk, staring at the coffee cup. Cameron enters.] Cameron: Got a minute? House: There’s something wrong with this cup. Cameron: I need someone to bounce ideas off of. Someone to be my whiteboard. That’s how you taught me to work. I have three choices. First, I can accept it’s over, pretend we don’t work in the same hospital, have selective visual impairment when we pass each other in the hall. Second, I can accept it’s over and leave — House: Or you could try making him angry. Standard choice number three. Cameron: Third, I can talk to him. But it’s not like I have any new fact that I can present and Chase has this romantic view of love that reality can’t compete with. House: I know how you could succeed. Cameron: How? House: Just say the magic words: “I will destroy my husband’s sperm.” [She gives him a look.] Oh, you mean succeed without doing that. Probably not. Cameron: I have doubts. Normal doubts. It’s not wrong to prepare for bad things to happen even if you don’t expect them to. I don’t expect my condo to burn down, but I have fre insurance. Taub: [enters] Patient’s girlfriend left him, now he wants to leave us. House: [on his way out the door] If your condo rules don’t let you buy insurance, would you go homeless? [Cut to the hallway. Taub points down one corridor.] Taub: His room is this way. House: What, do you think I can fix this? We need to offer this guy something he can only get if he stays in the hospital — relationship counseling. Taub: I don’t know if his girlfriend’s — House: I mean his two hemispheres. That’s the breakfast of relationships — the most important one of the day. [He opens the door to Wilson’s office.] We need your special skills. [Cut to MRI. Scott is in the machine, the others are in the observation room.] Scott: Uh, is the guy out there? The guy that’s gonna make my right brain work? Wilson: Oh, for… [turns on microphone] What do you think your right brain wants? Scott: How should I know? It’s crazy. It does things I would never do. Taub: Duct of Wirsung‘s slightly enlarged but within normal parameters. House: Say something. Wilson: It’s mute. It can’t communicate with you. Maybe you should try communicating with it. House: “Talk to her.” The well isn’t deep, is it? Wilson: You’re the dominant half. You make all the decisions. The right side has no control over anything. It must be… frustrating. Taub: No masses in body or tail segments. Scott: I can’t communicate with it. That’s the whole — Wilson: When you decide to go and get groceries, what do you do? Scott: What do you mean? I put on my jacket and I go to the store. Wilson: Your right brain has no idea why you’re suddenly getting up and putting on your jacket. It just gets dragged along. Next time, try saying it out loud. Scott: Just say to the empty air “Hey, I think I’ll go to the store because we’re out of peanut butter”? How much did they teach you about people like me when you were learning to be a therapist? Wilson: I’m an oncologist. House: Your right brain likes what he’s saying. Hasn’t moved the entire scan. Taub: Hasn’t gotten us anything, though. Scan’s clean. It’s not pancreatic cancer. [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room] House: Clotting could be a problem well before a solid tumor forms. It can still be pancreatic. Taub: Yes, but if you want a diagnosis backed by actual evidence, we should probably look at other cancers. [House’s cell phone rings. He answers it. Eugene Schwartz is calling from the street.] House: House. Eugene: I just squawked. House: What? Eugene: Eugene Schwartz, your patient from yesterday. I just squawked. I was buying some flowers for Mona. It happened when I was paying the clerk. House: I assume Dr. Cuddy gave you this number. Eugene: Yes! She told me to call you any time I squawked. House: I’m sorry but I’m about to lose you because I’m about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone. [He hangs up] I might be getting some more phone calls, so let’s make it fast. Taub: Lymphoma — House: That’s right, pancreatic. I know it’s pancreatic. I know there’s evidence. I know I’ve seen it. I just can’t — Taub: Right brain, left brain issues? House: If the cancer’s too small to find, let’s make it easier. Let’s open him up and paint it. There’s a new procedure using scorpion toxin and infrared paint. Paint only works on the cancer cells. Makes ‘em easier to spot. Foreman: Just agitating the pancreas can cause clotting. And you want to do it to a guy whose problem is clotting? House: If I’m right about pancreatic cancer, the only chance he’s got is finding and removing those cancer cells now. Thirteen: His brain MRI showed narrowing in the blood vessels leading up from the neck. If we do shake something loose, we could kll him. Taub: Or one of him. Clot in his brain could kll one of them without affecting the other. Foreman: He might actually be okay with that. [Cut to the surgery. There’s a lot of blood.] Foreman: How long’s it gonna take? Chase: Assuming he doesn’t crash… a few minutes. Foreman: Hey. You and Cameron. I’m sorry. [Chase sees Cameron in the scrub room outside the OR] Chase: I’ll be right back. [Cut to the scrub room] Cameron: I don’t wanna be homeless. Chase: Okay. You can stay in the condo. I’ll find some other — Cameron: That’s not what I mean. I wanna marry you. I got the forms to destroy the sperm. Chase: You sure? Cameron: Yeah. Chase: I wanna hug you but then I’d have to rescrub. Cameron: I know. Foreman: [yelling from OR] BP’s dropping. Cameron: Go. Foreman: No sign of cancer. BP’s 90 over 60. [Cut to balcony. House is leaning on the railing overlooking the entrance. Wilson joins him.] Wilson: You never answered my question. House: Relax. Our friendship is not doomed. Wilson: Thank God. But my question was do you really want Cuddy or is this just another challenge? House: You’re worried that once I’m in a relationship, you and me’ll be over. Wilson: Hey, I’m actually for this. I think this is great. But if you’re serious and you don’t treat it seriously, then you will get hurt. And, if you don’t accept that, then accept that she will get hurt. [Cut to view from the balcony of the door to the clinic opening. Cuddy comes out with a man wearing a pirate hat, shorts and assorted scarves, clutching the rest of his clothing. She calmly escorts him to the exit.] Stripper: I was told it was your birthday. Cuddy: I understand. [Wilson steps away from the railing so he can’t be seen from the lobby. House moves along the railing to better follow the activity below.] Stripper: I’m so, so sorry. Cuddy: I know. Stripper: Clearly there was a mix-up. Cuddy: Have a nice day. House: She look angry? Wilson: If you’re standing there when she looks up here — [House watches Cuddy return to her office without looking for him. He has a mini-epiphany.] House: Oh, no. [Cut to OR Foreman: Systolic’s 80. Chase: Gotta finish this suture before I can get out. Foreman: Give him a dopamine drip. House: [on the speaker, from the observation deck] You weren’t looking up at the right time. Foreman: Get to your point. We’re a little busy here. House: The clots aren’t from cancer. They’re coming from his heart. Foreman: We echoed the heart. No clots. House: Not while we were looking. Didn’t I open with that? The clots were caused by an arrhythmia. Chase: No arrhythmia. House: Not while we were looking! [He bangs on the glass of the observation deck.] Intermittent arrhythmia. This guy pulls our equipment off at the slightest provocation. We’d have to be watching at the exact moment it happened. Which I’m guessing from the way you two are scrambling around like idiots, is right now. [Chase glances up.] Yes. I’m saying do a transesophageal echo. Foreman: [to Chase] We have to get his BP sab. House: Absolutely. Right after the echo. Foreman: Systolic’s 70. House: The heart looked healthy at the last echo and an arrhythmia wouldn’t cause clots in a healthy ventricle. So start with the left atrial appendage. [A monitor beeps.] Chase: Wow. House: Yep. I did it again. Now get this poor guy’s BP under control and seal off the appendage. Then all we have to do is find out what damaged his heart before it goes after something he really needs. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room] House: So what damages a healthy 20-year-old heart enough to make it send out clots like it’s bmb Dresden? Thirteen: Rhabdo? Taub: Would have fried his kidneys, too. What about Graves? Foreman: Thyroid function tests were normal. Thirteen: Cushing’s. Cortisol overproduction could interfere with heart rhythm. House: Run a dexamathasone suppression test. [They leave. House turns toward his desk where the coffee cup still stands.] [Cut to Scott’s room. Taub and Thirteen are performing tests. Annie enters.] Scott: Annie. Annie: You ht me. Scott: I know. I’m so sorry but… It wasn’t me. Annie: I know you would never have done that if you were in control of yourself but… Scott: But you came back. Annie: To talk with your doctors. I’ve been going over and over what happened and I had this thought out of nowhere. Ever since I’ve know Scott I’ve seen his left hand throw things but always sort of playfully, thinking it’s fun. But when he threw this… [She picks up his can of deodorant] it was angry. And that’s when his hand slapped me, too — when I brought it to him. Could it mean something? Taub: Deodorant shouldn’t… How often do you use it? Scott: Uh, a few times a day. It’s special heavy-duty stuff. I have to send away for it. Thirteen: Sprayed around a bathroom the size of a shoebox. Taub: I’ll check the ingredients from the manufacturer. Thirteen: I’ll check for any references associated with health issues. [Scott’s left hand comes up slowly and strokes Annie’s face. She smiles.] Taub: Somebody’s grateful. Thirteen: We’ll just leave the… three of you alone. [Cut to Wilson’s office. House enters, holding the coffee cup.] House: Why is there no lipstick on this cup? Cuddy was wearing lipstick when she drank from it. It was on my face. Why isn’t it on the cup? Wilson: Why is it always reasonable in Houseland to take an emotional problem and sidestep it by turning it into a mechanical problem? House: Because in Houseland, and the rest of the universe, by the way, when a question presents itself, it calls for an answer. Wilson: If the left brain is the interpreter of reality and the one that tells us the story of who we are, then what is your story? Do you wanna be the man with the answers, or do you wanna be the man with Cuddy? [House thinks, tosses the coffee cup in the trash and sits down.] House: What do I do? Wilson: You make her angry. House: You really think that was the best time to mock me? Wilson: I’m as surprised as you, but I think I’m serious. Communication can’t start unless you both — House: I’ve been trying to make her angry for — Wilson: No, you haven’t. Come on! Poo? Strippers? It’s routine stuff. You’ve been pulling your punches. You’re scared. You should be. [House thinks then stands up.] Now go terrorize her. [Cut to locker room. Cameron is putting on her coat. Chase, still in scrubs, comes up to her.] Chase: You don’t wanna destroy it, do you? Cameron: I said I was gonna do it. I’ll do it. Chase: But you don’t want to. Cameron: I want to be with you. Maybe I’m not comfortable with it, but — Chase: Let’s say it’s our fifth anniversary. Are you ready to destroy it now? Tenth. Three kids. They spend their summers in Melbourne and have annoying accents. It’s disgusting how happy we are. You ready now? You don’t have doubts. You just don’t wanna kll the only thing left of someone you loved. [Cameron’s face crumbles as she starts to cry. Chase hugs her while she cries on his shoulder.] Don’t do it. Cameron: I do have trouble giving things up. For example, I never canceled any of our wedding plans. [They both laugh.] [Cut to the balcony. House bangs his cane loudly on the railing four times.] House: Attention! I have an announcement. As you go about your day, I would like you to be aware of the fact that I slept with Lisa Cuddy. [Everyone in the lobby stares up at him. The clinic doors open and Cuddy marches out. She talks to one of the nurses then looks up at House. She’s mad. House stares back then rings for the elevator, leaving her staring.] [Cut to a hallway. House is walking away, down the hall. Cuddy’s voice bellows out as she catches up with him.] Cuddy: This is beyond ass-hood! You have the luxury of not caring about your image. I do not! I can permit a lot of crap, but an employee shouting about his sexual exploits with me — no! That is zero tolerance! So congratulations, House. I am angry. House: I was wondering if we should move in together. Cuddy: [laughs, humorlessly] You’re fired. [She leaves.] Eugene: I wouldn’t worry about it. I think she likes you. [He’s in the doorway to House’s office.] House: If I’m fired, I think that probably means I don’t have to see patients. [He starts to walk away.] Eugene: I’m here as a squeaky wheel. I know how you doctors are. You’re busy. You get distracted. My lab results could be sitting in your in-box. House: I don’t need your labs. You have acid reflux. Eugene: Well how could you… House: Acid splashes on the vocal chords, they tense, make that squawking sound. It’s completely harmless. I’m gonna give you a prescription and you are gonna go away. Eugene: You are a great doctor. House: Why’d you move your belt? Eugene: I always move my belt. Makes me sore. House: You didn’t tell me that. Eugene: At 86, what isn’t sore? Soreness is less important than squawking. It’s the squawking that was bothering my wife. [House palpates Eugene’s abdomen. He grunts.] House: That’s not a potbelly. It’s a tumor. That’s why pancreatic cancer was on my mind. My brain was trying to tell me… Eugene: This isn’t sounding good. Pancreatic cancer? House: It can cause acid reflux. We should scope you. Eugene: So it’s not good. Even for cancer, it’s not good. House: No it’s not. [The elevator doors open and Taub comes out.] Taub: The deodorant has a high proportion of propylene glycol. Same stuff made a kid in Singapore develop a heart condition and, get this, seizures. Our patient may never have needed split-brain surgery. House: I’m sure he will half-appreciate the irony. Take this man to radiology. Pancreatic scan. And stay with him. [He gets on the elevator.] Eugene: Eugene Schwartz. [He shakes hands with Taub.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s sitting on the couch, fiddling with her bracelet which is in her hand. House enters, quietly.] Cuddy: Whatever it is, just say it quickly. House: Do you have more than one lipstick in the same shade? Maybe one that has a sealing agent and one that doesn’t? Cuddy: How could that possibly be relevant to anything? House: You really don’t think you’re just… overreacting to the other night? Cuddy: Fine. I am overreacting. You’ve said plenty of lousy things to me before. But reaching the final straw has been a good thing because it made me realize we not only don’t have a personal relationship, we never could. House: [clearly confused] Wha… You… You’re… You’ve been overreacting to something I said? Cuddy: You insulted me. I walked out. It’s nothing that hasn’t happened a hundred times before. [House exhales and he’s back in her office the previous night.] House: I quit. Cuddy: Great. My nanny is off the clock at 7:30 so your week off — House: You can go suckle the little bastard child who makes you feel good about yourself. Cuddy: Screw you. [She picked up her briefcase and left. Today’s House looks at the door she went through and yesterday’s House watches the door close. He could see her outline, walking away, through the slats in the door.] House: [blinking and trying to clear his head] No, no. That — that’s not what happened. I told you that I needed you. You — You helped me. Cuddy: Are you okay? [House reaches into his pocket for the lipstick. He opens his hand and sees that it’s an amber medicine vial. He pulls back and the Vicodin bottle falls on the floor. He backs into a corner, staring at the bottle. Cuddy follows him and takes hold of his shoulders.] Cuddy (continues): Are you okay? [House looks to his left and sees yesterday’s Cuddy who sat on the floor of the bathroom as he was wrapped around the toilet. The memory changes and House sat alone on the floor, playing with a pill bottle. He took a pill and tossed the bottle alongside the tub, to where the lone pill was.] [House and Cuddy were by the door, kissing passionately. The memory of them as they worked their way toward the bedroom, kissing and shedding clothing, is interspersed with memories of House being home alone. He took off his jacket and limped, alone toward the bedroom.] [House inspected the lipstick on his cheek in the bathroom mirror. He looked down and smiled when he saw… the pill bottle.] [House sat at his desk, rolling the lipstick tube over his fingers. His staff looked in from the conference room and saw him do it with the pill bottle.] [The memories start coming faster, House playing with the lipstick, Cuddy stroking his cheeks. Then he remembers twisting the lipstick open and, as his hands take hold of today’s Cuddy’s shoulders, he recalls the constant “pop” of the pill bottle opening as he took Vicodin after Vicodin all day.] [Back in the present, Cuddy is looking at him. House opens his eyes and stares straight ahead. Amber is standing next to him.] Amber: So… This is the story you made up about who you are. It’s a nice one. Kutner: Too bad it isn’t true. House: [shakily as Cuddy touches his cheek] No. I’m not okay. [Cut to Wilson’s office. Cuddy comes in and looks at him. He looks back, puzzled. A moment later, House slips through the still-open door. His eyes are red. He looks both terrified and empty. Wilson stands up. He looks puzzled for a moment then he nods slightly as he realizes what is going on. He presses his lips together as if he’s trying not to cry.] [A violin version of As Tears Go By starts. Cut to a flower girl walking down the aisle at an outdoor wedding tossing petals. She passes Foreman, Thirteen, Taub and his wife. It’s a beautiful, sunny day and all the women are in sleeveless dresses. The flower girl reaches Chase who is wearing a pale blue suit and looking “chuffed.” Cameron, in a beautiful gown, walks down the aisle.] [The music fades into the Rolling Stones’ version of the song. House and Wilson are in the car. They’re both wearing overcoats. They are silent.] [Back at the wedding, the minister is performing the ceremony. Cuddy comes in with Rachel and takes a seat.] [The car approaches a forbidding stone building.] [Cuddy closes her eyes and sighs deeply. The ceremony continues.] [House gets out of the car and looks at the building which is perhaps 50 yards away.] [Chase slips the ring on Cameron’s finger.] [House hands Wilson his wallet.] [Cameron puts the ring on Chase.] [House gives Wilson his watch. Wilson still has House’s suitcase. The look at each other.] [Chase and Cameron silently say “I do.”] [House takes the bag and reaches into the back seat for his cane. He walks past Wilson as] [The bride and groom kiss.] [House slowly approaches the hospital while Wilson stays behind.] [Chase and Cameron hug and turn to face their guests who stand, applauding.] [Wilson watches House who is approaching the steps. A few staff members are now there.] [Chase and Cameron walk back down the aisle, hand in hand. Cuddy looks like she’s about to cry.] [House makes it up the stairs and enters Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital, followed by the staff members. He looks back at Wilson who looks at him. House, standing alone, continues to look out as the door closes on him.] [The End] As Tears Go By It is the evening of the day I sit and watch the children play Smiling faces I can see But not for me I sit and watch as tears go by My riches can’t buy everything. I want to hear the children sing All I hear is the sound Of rain falling on the ground I sit and watch as tears go by	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x24 - Both Sides Now"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a sign that says “Floor 3.” There’s a framed photo of Mayfield and an old-fashioned picture of a hallway filled with doctors and nurses. Tapping can be heard. An office door with “Dr. Nolan Psychiatrist” on it is ajar. House is inside, slumped in a chair. He’s tapping on the chair arm and looking around. He sighs.] House: So how’s this supposed to work? Nolan: You sit. I sit. We talk. House: About what? Nolan: About whatever you want. House: You want me to whine about my mother? Nolan: Do you want to whine about your mother? House: I can tell you about the time I was five and my goldfish died. Nolan: If that’s where you’d like to start. House: I’ve had a billion things happen to me in my life. How am I supposed to know which ones are relevant? Nolan: As far as I’m concerned, they’re all relevant. House: Well, we better get moving, ‘cause this session could take 50 years. Nolan: Yes, you are the sum of everything that’s happened to you. And, yes, some events are more relevant than others. But, uh, the only way we can figure out which ones are is to talk. So tell me, what’s on your mind? [pause] What do you want? House: I want to get better… Whatever the hell that means. I’m sick of being miserable. Nolan: So you’d like to be happy? House: Again with the reflecting – Yes, I’d like to be happy. Nolan: Being happy is an excellent goal. Not many patients can crystallize exactly what they’re hoping to get out of this. House: Well, bully for me. Nolan: [rising] So now all we have to do is figure out how to get you from here to happy. [He goes to a sideboard and takes something out of a drawer.] House: SSRIs? That’s your genius technique? Nolan: I don’t think we should ignore any tools than can help. [hands them to House] I know you don’t have a problem taking drugs. House: For my leg. For pain. Nolan: Well, think of this as being for psychic pain. [House looks like this is a new idea. He looks at the pills and back at Nolan who is pouring a glass of water.] House: I don’t want to change who I am. Nolan: Miserable? [He hands House the glass. House contemplates the pill.] Do you think that by taking meds you’ll lose your edge, stop making the unique connections that make you a successful doctor? House: If Van Gogh was your patient, he’d be satisfied painting houses instead of The Starry Night. Nolan: Van Gogh would still be making inspired paintings of the night sky, just maybe not from the room of his asylum. House: You don’t know that. Nolan: I know both his ears would be intact. And I know his life would be better. [House puts down the glass and stares at Nolan.] I know this doesn’t come naturally to you. But you want my help, which means you need to trust me. [House takes the pill and some water.] House: Hmmm… Delicious. [Cut to Ward Six. Safer is organizing meds on a tray. There is a card with each patient’s picture, name and medication behind each pill cup. She hands Jay-Bird his pills, which he takes with water. House is next in line. Alvie comes up to him.] Alvie: Why are you here? House: I’m waiting for my communion wafer. [He takes the pills and the water, handing the empties back to Safer. Alvie follows him as he walks away from the office.] Alvie: You’re cheeking it, right? House: Nope. Alvie: [grabbing House’s face and trying to look in his mouth] Tell me you’re cheeking it. House: [pushing Alvie’s hands away] I swallowed it. [He starts to walk away. Alvie follows.] Alvie: No, you didn’t. We don’t take meds. House: You don’t take meds, Alvie. I decided to get sane. Alvie: You’re scamming again. You can tell me. House: I’m not scamming, Alvie. Alvie: They broke you. House: [turning to look at him] They didn’t break me. I am broken. Now stop worshipping me and go worry about your own loser life. [He walks off, leaving Alvie alone in the hall.] Alvie: I hate you. [Cut to House’s and Alvie’s room. House is sitting on the bed, reading. Nolan enters. He knocks on the door and holds up a suit, white shirt and tie on a hanger.] House: Prom? Nolan: Got an assignment for you. House: [taking off his glasses] Role-playing? I’m not sure how pretending to be a businessman with a foot fetish is gonna help, but I’m game. Nolan: Have you connected with any of the other patients? You’ve been here four weeks. Tell me about your relationships with the other patients. House: Diane… is convinced that Silent Girl hates her. Richter’s not as paranoid as you think. He just likes that you think that. And my roommate hates me. Nolan: Only one of the things you said indicated how somebody else feels about you. So… House: I’m sure that they’ve done some form of rudimentary analysis on me, concluded that I’m a jerk. Nolan: You know, there is a way for them to find out things about you without deductive reasoning. House: I have had relationships. Nolan: You’ve screwed up relationships. Every one of them. Almost like that was the goal. I want you to trust… people. [House stares at him.] Try. [He puts the suit on the bed.] Get dressed. [He leaves.] [Cut to a fund-raiser. A jazz combo is playing No Moon At All. The catering staff walk around with trays. Medina is there, chatting up a blonde who is way out of his league. House and Nolan stand by the doorway.] House: Just open up? Nolan: Just open up. Trust. House: Strangers? Nolan: We’ll start with strangers then work our way up. If it helps, I find “hello” to be an excellent icebreaker. [The band plays Night Train. House, holding a drink, walks up to Garney who is at the buffet table.] House: Hi. Garney: [uncomfortable] Hi. House: It’s like “hello” only shorter. Garney: Yes. I’m glad we were able to save that time. House: Judging by the fancy suit, I’d say you were a donor. The nervous demeanor says maybe you’ve had issues, probably why this place has personal meaning. [He puts a fistful of nuts in his mouth and starts talking again before he swallows them.] But this is supposed to be about me. [He swallows.] I take advantage of my friends. Friend, really, I’ve only got one. Garney: It can be tough sometimes. House: I’m not gay. Garney: Oh, neither am I. House: Actually, I am. See that guy over there? [He indicates Nolan, who has his head tilted back, eating the Maraschino cherry from his drink.] He’s my lover. He’s also my psychiatrist, which some would argue is a little inappropriate, but they just don’t know what love is. Am I right? [Garney nods nervously and walks away. Lydia is there.] Lydia: You’re not gay. House: No, but I have to tell intimate secrets to people. Lydia: Maybe they should be true. House: Hadn’t thought of that. To be on the safe side, I should probably do both, starting with the fun ones. Come on, let’s get me better. [The music changes to I Love Paris as House pulls out a chair and sits down next to a pretty woman at a table.] House: Hi. Woman: Hi. House: [geekily plays with a straw] I’m a philanderer. Woman: Oh. House: Philanderer doesn’t mean that I give a lot to charity. It means – Woman: I-I know what it means. [House leans over and covers his eyes and forehead with his hand.] House: Uh, you were asking me if there were any nuts in the hors d’oeuvres. Woman: What? House: [looking up] Honey! [He stands.] Lydia: What did my husband just say to you? [House gives the woman a pleading look.] Woman: I… was asking him if there were nuts… in the hors d’oeuvres. Lydia: Then where is your EpiPen. Woman: My what? Lydia: No one with an allergy would walk around without an EpiPen. Give me your purse. Woman: No. Lydia: [reaching for it] Give me your purse. Woman: Stop! Lydia: Come – Woman: What really happened is… I thought he was cute. I ht on him. Lydia: [to House] We’re going. [She grabs him by the sleeve. The woman smiles slightly as they pass. As they walk through the room, Lydia leading him by the arm, House has a huge grin on his face.] [Cut to House sitting outside, pulling the petals off a daisy.] Nolan: Having fun? House: I did connect with one guy. But my propensity for screwing things up overtook me. Then my desire to have fun overcame my propensity. Nolan: You didn’t screw it up. The assignment wasn’t to get you to trust people with a piece of your soul. The assignment was to teach you that you can trust. Did any of these people rat you out as the obnoxious womanizer or the prn producer that they think you are? [House smiles.] Why do you think that people would treat you worse if they knew the truth? [He looks over as Lydia arrives with two glasses of wine.] Lydia: Good night, Doctor. [Nolan leaves. She hands a glass to House and sits down.] Are you in trouble? House: [thinks about that] Apparently not. Lydia: So what’s next? You want to be my pimp? House: Why don’t we just talk? Lydia: Okay. House: How come you weren’t pissed at me for stealing your car? Lydia: It was a nice thing to do. House: Hmmm. I’m not sure about the German-English translation of “nice.” Stealing was nice or… ruining Freedom Master’s life? Lydia: What you did was misguided and irresponsible, but it was also nice. You gave him a moment of pure happiness. [pause] You asked me why I come here so often to visit Annie. She was my best friend. Then she started pulling away… from everybody. The doctors don’t know why. I think I married her brother because he was the only other one who was going through the same thing. But he stopped visiting after a couple of years. I just… couldn’t stop. I miss her. [House nods. There’s a long pause.] I should go. House: Good night. [She leans over and kisses him softly.] Lydia: Good night. [She leaves. House sits there.] [Cut to House’s and Alvie’s room. It is dark. House enters, taking off his tie. He hangs up his cane and takes off his jacket.] Alvie: So what happened? House: You’re talking to me now. Alvie: No. [House sits on the foot of the bed and toes off his shoes. He slides back and stretches out.] Alvie: Was it fun? House: [sounding a little surprised] Yeah. [Cut to Nolan’s office, the next morning. House is leaning forward in his chair. His elbows are on his knees and his hands clasped in front of his mouth. He rubs his lip with his thumb, thoughtfully.] House: She kissed me. Don’t read into the phrasing. We kissed each other. Nolan: And how do you feel about that? House: How do I feel about that? It was a kiss. Kisses are good things. Nolan: Okay. House: That was a loaded “okay.” Nolan: Not at all. Why would you assume that? House: ‘Cause you’re being judgmental. If I’d said that I’d had some delicious Chilean sea bass for dinner last night, would you say, “and how do you feel about that?” Nolan: If the sea bass was married, I might. House: [laughing slightly] See, you’re being judgmental. Isn’t that against your code or something? Nolan: I’m simply stating the obvious. It’s complicated. Not just because she’s married and not just because you’re institutionalized. I know you spent the last 12 hours trying to figure out what that kiss means. House: [sitting up then slouching back in the chair] Who’s that woman you were with in the parking lot? Nolan: When you deflect, it’s more effective when you’re not that transparent. House: Obviously you have no problem with the infidelity. Nolan: You’re trying to rationalize that, “if it’s okay for your doctor, it’s okay.” But, just for the record, I am not having an affair. House: Then who is she? Nolan: Why do you think you’re working so hard to figure out the details of my personal life? House: I might not have to work so hard if there were some personal items in here. You got one number on speed dial. It says “Dad.” Come on, how old are you? Nolan: Why are you so afraid to talk about this? House: I want to talk about you. I want to know who I’m taking advice from. Nolan: I’m not giving you advice. I’m asking you questions. I think that kiss meant a lot. I think that scares you. House: I think there are no personal items in here because you have no personal life. Nolan: How do you think you and Lydia will end? House: you are a lonely man. You’ve screwed up every opportunity you’ve had in life. Nolan: What’s the ending to the story? House: [sighs] I don’t know. [Cut to the orderly unlocking the door to Ward Six.] Orderly: Visiting time! [Lydia is the second one through the door. She sees House sitting hunched over on the piano bench. Annie sits on her usual couch next to it. As she approaches, House slides over on the bench to make room for her. She sits.] House: Why did you kiss me? Lydia: [shrugs and chuckles] How many reasons are there? [He stares at her.] I like you. It felt like a nice way of showing you that. [He stares at her for another moment then nods almost imperceptibly. He hands her his cane and swings around so he’s facing the keyboard. He starts playing Schumann’s Kinderszenen Op. 15, the piece she was playing when they first met. There’s the sound of a door opening.] Safer: Open it all the way. Keep it open. [House looks behind him. Freedom Master is being wheeled into the day room. House stops playing immediately. Freedom Master’s right leg is bare, his left is in a cast that goes from his toes to his hips. His right arm has a cast and a sling on it. There’s a robe over his shoulders. He’s paying no attention to anything around him as he is wheeled toward the patient rooms. House watches.] [Cut to a corridor that’s empty except for House sitting on one of the benches. Nolan comes out of his office and gestures for House to come in.] Nolan: How’d it go with Lydia? House: I found out you can only be happy so long before the catatonic guy with two broken limbs rolls off the elevator. Philosophically speaking. Nolan: Why do you value your failures more than your successes? House: My mother caught me masturbating… to pictures of her mother. Nolan: Can we get past these cut deflections? House: Successes only last until someone screws them up. Failures are forever. Nolan: So you accept that fact. You accept that there’s nothing you can do. House: Okay, I accept the fact that there’s nothing I can do. Now, what can I do? Nolan: You acknowledge failure, and you move past it. You apologize. House: Wow. Powerful things, these apologies. Get someone to jump off a building and you say two words and you move on with your life. Hardly seems fair. Nolan: Is that the issue? You caused him pain. If the world is just, you have to suffer equally? [House lets this sink in as Nolan laughs slightly.] You’re not God, House. You’re just another screwed-up human being who needs to move on. Apologize to him. Let yourself feel better. Then you can learn to let yourself… keep feeling better. [Cut to House returning to the day room. He walks over to Freedom Master who is sitting in his wheelchair. In addition to both his casts, his face is still badly bruised.] House: Hey. [Freedom Master doesn’t move. A door opens. Beasley comes out.] Beasley: Dr. House, everything okay? House: Yeah. Beasley: Time for group. [She starts to wheel Freedom Master over.] Group time everybody. [Cut to everyone in their seats.] Beasley: I have a surprise. Two weeks from today we’re going to have the Mayfield Talent Show. [Stomp starts hitting his hands against his head.] Richter: Talent show? Who’s in it? Beasley: I’d really love it if everybody here could participate. Richter: Then who’s gonna watch? Beasley: The staff will come. Friends and family. Richter: You gonna tape this? Beasley: No, it’s just for us. Richter: Well, if it’s just for us, I vote we don’t do it. Beasley: Think of it as a fun way to work on – on our therapeutic issues. Alvie, maybe you could sing one of your songs. Alvie: I don’t sing. I rap. Beasley: Okay, well you can write something just for us. Alvie: I don’t write. I just do, freestyle style. Beasley: I think you’re gonna want to be prepared. Make something special. Alvie: Always special. Beasley: How bout you, Diane? Is there something you’d like to do? Diane: I don’t have any talents. Beasley: Sure you do. You all do. Steve, don’t you think that Diane has hidden talent that we’d all like to see come out? [Steve doesn’t move.] House: You really think he’s gonna answer? Beasley: Eventually. House: Why? Beasley: Because things pass. House: Things change. It doesn’t mean they get better. You gotta make things better, you can’t just keep talking and hope for the best. [House starts looking in the distance, puzzled.] Beasley: Diane, maybe you and I can work together and figure something out. House: [getting up] I can save him. “They stole her voice box.” That’s what he said. That’s what she was staring at. That’s why she’s staring. [He goes to the window of the office.] Beasley: Dr. House, please. House: [pointing, rattling the glass] ‘Cause there’s a music box in there. Beasley: Orderly. House: [rattling the doorknob] Come on, just give it to me. I can – [The orderly tries to grab his arm.] I am not having a psychotic break. [to Beasley] I promise you this will work. [She nods and the orderly opens the office door.] House: It’s the blue box there on the top shelf. [He puts his cane on a ledge and takes the box from the orderly. He heads for Freedom Master.] This is what you wanted. This is what you needed – a voice. [He kneels next to Freedom Master and tries to hand him the music box.] You thought you could cure Silent Girl with this so by your own rationale, it should cure you. [Freedom Master doesn’t move.] There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re healing. All the parts work. Speak! [Nothing. House grabs his face and shakes it slightly.] Come on, speak! Say something! Nolan: [approaches] I think maybe everyone should take a break now. [House lets go of Freedom Master’s face. All the other patients and Beasley leave.] Nolan: You’re trying to fix instead of moving on. [Nolan wheels Freedom Master away. House slowly stands and sinks into a chair.] [Cut to the day room. House is sitting on a couch, staring blankly. Lydia comes over with some sheet music.] Lydia: I brought Dvorak. Four hands. [He looks at her.] What? House: I need to know what this is. Lydia: It’s sheet music. [long pause] I told you. It’s just… two people having fun. House: There’s two possible outcomes. It ends, someone gets hurt. Or it doesn’t end, someone gets hurt. Lydia: So, the end sucks. It doesn’t mean the beginning has to. Everything ends. Life ends. It – it doesn’t mean that we can’t enjoy it. House: I can’t – I can’t do this. [He hands her back the sheet music.] Lydia: All I know is, I was happy five minutes ago, and now I’m not. How’s that better? House: [sighs] Good-bye, Lydia. [He gets up and leaves.] [Cut to group.] Diane: I’m really worried about ECT. Beasley: Apprehension’s normal. Has anyone else had it. Alvie: They shocked me, man. [He does an exaggerated convulsion.] Aaah. Diane: Thanks. That’s very reassuring. I don’t know if I should do it. House: [slouched and glowering in his chair] Oh, just do the treatment or shut up. Beasley: Greg, there’s a process. House: Yes, a process. Wouldn’t want to disrupt the process with results. Alvie: Heezy had a rough night last night. Guess he decided to go back to being an ass instead of a hypocrite. Beasley: Let’s move on. Alvie, are you making any progress writing your rap? Alvie: Yeah. But really, no. I just don’t want to write my songs down. It takes all the spontaneity out of it. It’s not… of the moment. Beasley: Alvie, if you write things down – Alvie: When the time comes, my rhyme comes. When my spotlight shines… [He goes blank.] House: Yeah. You’re a genius. Rhymes with “penius.” Medina: [coming over] Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Beasley. [He has a paper in his hand and he crouches next to House.] Dr Nolan asked me to give you this. House: [opening the paper] Is this a day pass? Medina: He’d like to see you. [Medina leaves. House refolds the pass, thoughtful.] [Cut to Nolan, leaning over something. He sits up at the sound of a door opening. House enters the hospital room. He sees the monitors, the IV dripping and the patient wristband, which reads “Nolan, Darryl Sr.”] Nolan: Thanks for coming. [House closes the door, quietly.] I was hoping you could, uh, take a look at my dad’s chart. House: A consult? What happened – you went through every sane doctor in town? Nolan: I thought you wouldn’t mind getting off the ward. [House picks up the clipboard and starts reading.] The cleaning lady found him on the kitchen floor. Doctors here don’t think that he’ll recover, that I should pull the plug. I want a second opinion so I – I thought I’d be a fool not to call you. House: [looking at an x-ray] Lacunar infarct. Converted to hemorrhagic stroke. It squashed his brain. They didn’t miss anything. Nolan: That’s what I thought. [He’s holding his father’s hand and crying silently.] House: That’s what you knew. His brain has been replaced by blood. It’s over. [Nolan kisses his father’s hand.] And that’s obvious to any doctor who looked at that scan, even a shrink. You want someone to tell you that what you need to do is okay, to give you permission, absolution. Nolan: Not now, House. House: You have no friends, no family. At some point, you made a mistake. You lost everything. And now I’m the closest thing you got to a friend. Nolan: [crying openly] Just shut up. I don’t need you here to play this game. [They look at each other for a few moments then House takes off his jacket, pulls up a stool and sits down to wait with Nolan.] [Cut to the day room. It’s dark and quiet. The door beeps as House passes a card over the electronic lock. He comes in and starts toward the patient rooms but stops when he sees Lydia sitting on the stage, crying. He goes over to her.] House: I’m sorry I pushed you away. It’s what I do when I’m afraid. [She makes a scoffing sound.] Again, German-English translation may be a little off. Lydia: [trying to get control of herself] I’m not – I’m not crying because of you. I’m crying because I’m pathetic. I brought her cello in case she magically wakes up for the show. House: Oh, well, then I take the apology back. [She laughs.] We’re all pathetic. It’s what makes everything interesting. Lydia: I’m sick of life being interesting. [He steps closer and holds out his hand. She takes it and stands up. She puts her arms around his neck, stroking his back a little. After a moment, he hangs his cane on something and puts his arms around her. They slow dance in silence.] [Cut to the door to the office opening. House enters, followed by Lydia. He leans in and they kiss. He shuts the office door and slides her jacket off. He takes his jacket off while they continue kissing. He sits on a chair. She straddles him. He pulls her shirt over her head and runs his fingers around the back of her bra as she unbuttons his shirt. She gasps quietly. Her skirt is hiked up around her hips and his jeans have moved lower on his hips. He runs his hand down her thigh. They both breath heavily, but almost silently as they continue to kiss and clutch at each other. As the finish, House pulls her close. His eyes are red and he is crying. He closes his eyes tightly.] [Cut to the talent show. Los Del Rio’s Macarena River Mix plays. Diane and Beasley are wearing red tops and leggings with flouncy black skirts. Each has a big red rose in her hair that matches the one at her hips. They shake their hands back and forth, look at each other and smile. Arms up, arms down, turn around. Each points one finger at the audience and shakes it in a “no” gesture. As the singer starts, they reach up and to the left side, then to the right. The fold their arms and unfold them, reaching behind and grabbing their own butts, one cheek at a time. It ends with their turning around, pulling up their skirts and shaking their butts at the audience. Beasley hugs Diane.] [Next Jay-Bird, Richter and Hal stand in a stiff row. They’re dressed in tails and cardboard party top hats. They sing “You’re Nobody Till Somebody Loves You”] Trio: You’re nobody till somebody loves you. [Hal and then Jay-Bird put their hands to their hearts near the word “loves.” Richter doesn’t. He’s looking around.] You’re nobody till somebody cares. [Lydia is sitting with Annie in the audience. There are about 20 people watching. Most of the performers are there when they’re not on stage. House is standing in the back, leaning against a wall. His cane is tucked under his arm.] [The next act starts with a rhythmic tapping of a foot. It’s Stomp. He begins to slap out a counter-bat with his right hand against his left arm, then on his right leg. Using both hands on his legs and chest he picks up the pace, as he becomes a human bat box. He finishes to cheers and applause.] Beasley: [at the mic] Ladies and gentlemen. The one, the only, Juan Alvarez! [Alvie runs from the back of the “theater” to the stage. Richter is there as the DJ.] Alvie: Yo, yo, what’s up? [grabs the mic from the stand] Ward Six is jumping off, y’all! Give it up for DJ Richter on the ones and twos. Yo, DJ Richter, spin that. [Richter smiles and starts the hip-hop b*at playing.] Alvie: Uh. Yah! Welcome to Mayfield where the day feels long. We act strong, but there’s got to be something wrong. See, we got hidden talents. You don’t see hidden secrets If we could show you those Uh wah whu whu [He imitates a record scratching as he gets stuck for a next line.] If we could show you those. [He stops and rubs his head as he tries to think of a next line. The audience is smiling, anticipating.] House: [still leaning against the wall by the door, bails him out] Then we wouldn’t have no regrets. [Lydia turns and smiles at him.] Alvie: Wanna know my secrets? Sit back and let me explain it. My Pops split, Mama got sick Cliché, ain’t it. Now I’m a manic Hispanic I’m trying to make it work But the doctors think I’m lazy [He’s stuck again. He looks toward House.] House: And my roommate is a jerk. Alvie: Dr. House is in the house, y'all. Give it up for Dr. House to the stage, y'all. Paging Dr. House to the stage, y'all. [House waves him off. The audience is clapping.] Are you there, Dr. House it's on. Bring it on. [House stands up straight and starts toward the stage.] On. Oh, yo, he's coming to the stage, y'all.[Lydia smiles as House passes her.] Unh, unh, it's Dr. House on the remix Dr. House on the remix Yup, yup, yup, yup yup. [House tosses his cane offstage.] They say to take your pills They say don't be a creep But how can I get better House: If I can't get no sleep? Alvie: You got think before you act In order to progress House: [getting into the rhythm] If you don't make connections Then your whole life is a mess Alvie: [laughing] Yeah, so tell me, doctor, what I really got to know How do I get better? House: [shrugs] Just do a talent show. [Everyone, including Lydia, laughs.] Alvie: Oh, well, I guess I'm just a mess, yes Preach it to me, brother A life of restlessness House: [enjoying himself] But at least we have each other [House provides the hand gestures as Alvie winds up the rap] Alvie: Oh, we got each other, oh, we got each other Like two brothers from another mother Duck and run for cover, Ward Six [House nods a little shyly, acknowledging the applause. Then he puts his arm around Alvie’s shoulder and they take a bow.] [Cut to Nolan’s office.] House: How are you doing? You hanging in there? Nolan: Usually I open with that. [pause] Thanks for staying. [He nods. House nods back.] So, um… What do you want to talk about? House: Things are actually… Actually good. [He sounds a little surprised.] Nolan: Okay, you're not – you're not just saying that because you don't want to complain in front of the guy who just lost his father? House: I'm not that cured. No, I still got stuff to do, but… I'm good. [Cut to the day room. Freedom Master is sitting there, motionless. House stops in front of him.] House: I'm sorry. [He looks around and pulls up a chair.] I was trying to prove a point. I was trying to be right. I ended up putting you in a dangerous situation, and I was not equipped to handle it. You got hurt, and it's my fault. And I'm sorry. [Freedom Master still doesn’t move but Nolan, who has been watching from the office, nods at House.] Safer: [announces] Med time. House: [standing and steering Freedom Master’s chair] I'm gonna try those pink ones today. You? [Freedom Master has the music box in his lap. They pass Annie. House stops and then rolls the wheelchair back. Freedom Master slowly lifts the music box with both hands and gives it to Annie. She takes it. Nolan, in the office, and House both watch, amazed. Annie opens the lid and a bit of Mozart’s The Magic Flute plays. Nolan and Safer come to the office door, staring. As the tune ends, Annie closes the box and turns to Freedom Master.] Annie: Thank you. Freedom Master: [whispers] You're welcome. [Cut to the foyer outside the day room. House is waiting there as the elevator door opens.] House: Got a surprise. [He leads Lydia into the day room. Annie is playing Bach’s Cello Suite #1 Prelude in G Major fluently as everyone sits and listens. She ends to light applause. Lydia has gone from smiling to tears during the piece.] [Cut to the day room. There’s a “Happy Re-birthday” cake on the table.] Beasley: Today we're here to congratulate… Annie! We're proud of her! We wish her well, and we hope to… Everyone: Never see her again! [House is the only one who doesn’t look happy.] [Cut to Nolan’s office. House walks in without knocking.] House: If you go silent for over a decade, you don't just get to slide right back into society. Nolan: She's going to a rehab facility first… In Arizona. Her family's moving there. Sorry, House. I just found out myself. House: I want an overnight pass. Nolan: I can help you with this. House: I've earned it. Nolan: You have, but – House: Isn't extending trust part of the whole "getting me better" thing? Nolan: If you insist on a pass, I'll give it to you. But I know where you're going, and I know you haven't thought it through. We need to sit down, talk about this. House: Please give me the pass. [A cab pulls up to a suburban house. It’s night. House gets out. He rings the doorbell and waits. A young boy opens the door.] House: Hi. Ben: Hello. Who are you? House: I'm – Lydia: [coming to the door] Ben, go inside, okay? [She comes out to the porch and pulls the door almost shut behind her.] House: You didn't say anything. And now Annie's leaving, and I hear you're going to Arizona. Lydia: My husband travels to Phoenix a lot. His corporate headquarters are there. We've been wanting to move for years, but we've been tethered here. And now we're not. House: I don't want you to go. Lydia: I don't want to go. But I can't break up my family. I-I can't leave my children. House: I just don't want it to change. Lydia: [stroking his face] I'm sorry that I didn't come to say good bye. I thought it ended kind of perfect. [She’s on the verge of tears.] I have to go. [She goes inside and closes the door, leaving House alone on the porch. He bows his head.] [Cut to the Mayfield parking lot. Nolan is leaving. He pulls out his car keys and sees House sitting on a railing near his car.] Nolan: Not the most exciting use of the overnight pass I've ever seen. House: She left. Nolan: And... House: I'm lost. Nolan: [sits next to House] I'm gonna write your letter… To the medical board, recommending that they give your license back. House: You can't just console me by giving me a lollipop when I skin my knee. Nolan: Well, two things just happened. You got hurt, which means you connected to someone else strongly enough to miss them. And more important… You recognized the pain and came to talk to me, instead of hiding from it in the Vicodin bottle. The fact that you're hurting and you came here, the fact that you're taking your meds and we're talking right now… Come inside and get some sleep. Tomorrow you can start saying your good-byes. [House thinks about this and nods.] [Cut to the day room. There’s a “Happy Re-birthday” cake on the table.] Nolan: Today we're here to congratulate Greg. [Everyone claps. House smiles with his head ducked down.] We're proud of him. We wish him well, and we hope… Everyone: [with House silently mouthing the words] To never see him again! Alvie: House! [House takes the candle out of the cake and blows it out. He smiles. Everyone cheers and applauds. Beasley holds her arms open. She and House hug. Alvie, still clapping, comes over.] House: Back off. People already think we're gay. [There light laughter followed by an “aw” as House relents and pulls Alvie in for a big hug. He’s smiling. He lets Alvie go and stands, facing the table for a moment then plants his face in the cake. Everyone laughs as he stand up, his face completely covered in frosting. Everyone laughs. He bows slightly.] [Cut to House leaving Mayfield. He has his suitcase in one hand and his can in the other. He starts walking. The Frames’ Seven Day Mile plays.] [Cut to Alvie looking out the window as House approaches the bus stop directly across from where Wilson dropped him off a few months earlier. Alvie looks for a while then turns and goes to the office. Beasley slides open the window to talk to him.] Beasley: What do you need, Alvie? Alvie: My meds. I want to get better. [Cut to House standing at the bus stop. A bus arrives and House gets on. As House walks back to a seat the ad on the side of the bus can be seen. It says “Prepare to Succeed!” House sits on the back seat and the bus pulls away. House sits straight with his head high as the bus pulls further and further from Mayfield.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x01 - Broken (part 1)"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a House’s face. His eyes are closed. The picture is not quite in color, but it’s not black and white either. Radiohead’s “No Surprises” plays.] [House opens his eyes. He’s lying on a twin bed on the left side of a cell-like room at Mayfield. He’s wearing a gray t-shirt. There is a stainless steel basin on the tiled floor near his head. On the opposite wall there is a single window. Next to it a metal sink is bolted into the wall. Another stainless basin is on the floor below the sink.] [Quick cuts:] - A metal toilet past the sink. - House lying stretched out on the bed. - House’s right eye as he turns his head slightly toward the window. - The IV pole and the windowed door to the room beyond it. A woman is watching him. She leaves. - House’s right eye again. - House’s hand clutching his leg through the sheet. He raises his arm along the wall, making a fist. He has a hospital ID bracelet on his wrist. - House’s face, a little blurry. - House lying in the bed, gripping his thigh. He brings his left hand over to grab it as well. - A nurse is in the room. The door is open and she’s doing something with the IV. - Close up of his left eye. His face looks very haggard. - House on his left side. He brings his right hand up to the left and lies curled in the fetal position. ♪♫ A heart that's full up like a landfill, - House is in the hallway, getting his meds. He takes a single pill out of the paper cup and looks at it. He looks around at all the other patients milling about. ♪♫ A job that slowly kills you, - A red light over a doorway. - He turns back and sees the dispensing nurse watching him, impatiently. ♪♫ Bruises that won't heal. - He tosses his head back as he dry swallows the pill. - He switches his cane to his right hand. An aid touches his back, steering him to his room. He’s wearing a robe and his legs are bare. - A nurse wetting a washcloth in the basin by his bed. ♪♫ You look so tired, unhappy, - She washes the vomit off his face. - She leaves, wheeling out a portable blood pressure machine. - House, in a gray t-shirt again, writhes in the bed. ♪♫ Bring down the government, - House, wearing a hoodie, empties the contents of his pill cup into his hand. It’s half a pill. - He stares at it, stares at the nurse and takes the pill. ♪♫ They don't, - He balls up the empty cup and tosses it past Nurse Valdez, who flinches. ♪♫ They don't speak for us. - House, wearing a dark t-shirt, toss restlessly, seen through the window in the door. - In the room, House twists and turns, gripping his leg. ♪♫ I'll take a quiet life, - House sits up with difficulty, still gripping his right thigh. He lowers his left leg to the floor. He shoves the sheet off him. This is partly sht in the room and partly through the window. ♪♫ A handshake of carbon monoxide, - He struggles to his feet, pushing off the bed. - He holds onto the bed, hopping sideways, until he can reach the door. - He shakes the door. ♪♫ With no alarms and no surprises, House: [shouting through the door] Help! [He bangs on the door a few times.] Help me! ♪♫ No alarms and no surprises, - He punches the door a few more times. ♪♫ No alarms and no surprises, - He’s back on the bed. He looks at his wrists, which are restrained. - So are his legs. They put a patient going through opioid withdrawal in 4-point restraints in a locked room. His left leg shakes a little. ♪♫ Silence. - House pulls against the restraints for a moment then relaxes, exhausted. The mattress between his legs is wet. [Cut to House opening his eyes. The color has returned to normal. Everything is quiet. He isn’t restrained any longer. He touches his thigh briefly then sits up. He limps to the window, holding his leg for support.] [Cut to a suitcase dropping on the bed. House packs his clothes and zips the valise.] [Cut to House walking down the hall with his cane in his right hand and his suitcase in his left. He switches the case to his right so he can swipe a knit cap off a patient in a wheelchair.] [Cut to House, wearing the cap, at the nurses’ station.] House: Dry heaves are gone, so am I. Valdez: I’ll check with the doctor. House: No, no, no, no. I’m here voluntarily. Just got to check with me. Valdez: I’m sorry. Dr. Nolan left specific instructions. [Cut to Dr. Darryl Nolan’s office. He’s talking to Dr. Beasley.] Nolan: She’s not sick. She’s scared. So tell her to tell – House: [from the doorway] Wow. [They both look up.] And he’s black. I thought you’d be a little more sensitive on the slvery issue. [Nolan sits quietly for a moment then he smiles and nods at Beasley. She gets up and leaves.] House: Can’t keep me. Nolan: Dr. House, you look a lot better. House: I am a lot better. No painkillers. No hallucinations. Leg hurts, but it’s manageable. Great job. Gonna miss you. Want to start missing you as soon as possible. Nolan: Well, legally, you’re free to go whenever you want, but I suggest you stay. House: I’ll take it under advisement. Nolan: If you thought the hallucinations were from your Vicodin problem, why didn’t you just check yourself into a rehab facility? House: I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy. Nolan: But you had been abusing Vicodin for years. Never had delusions. Never had trouble sleeping. Never had any problems other than narcissism and antisocial behavior, until two colleagues died. Your father died. Your issues run deeper than Vicodin. House: Well, that’s not gonna cheer me up, is it? Nolan: You need to be transferred to our long-term ward, started on medication, talk therapy – House: Yeah, I get it. Uh, just one thing I’m getting hung up on. I can leave whenever I want. How ‘bout I start with that? [He heads for the door.] Nolan: You can’t go back to practicing medicine. House: [turning slowly] I don’t want to practice medicine. I’ve decided I want to be an astronaut. Nolan: Well, if you want your state astronaut’s license, you’re gonna need my recommendation. House: Is that a popular new treatment – blackmail? Nolan: You need to get better. [Cut to an orderly unlocking a door for House.] Orderly: Welcome to Ward Six. [He leaves. House looks around. Hal and Richter are playing ping-pong without a net or paddles. Susan and Diane are sitting at a table. A staff member is standing next to them. Various other patients mill around. They all turn to look at him.] [Cut to the office area. House sits in front of Beasley’s desk.] House: So, brass tacks… What do I have to do, and how long do I have to be here? Beasley: Depends on you. Process is pretty basic. If you follow the schedule, agree to take meds, participate in group and individual therapy, we can work on goals – House: I set a goal. Beasley: Excellent. What is it? House: My goal is to get your boss to write the letter that I want him to write. Now let’s talk process. I can smile through gritted teeth and play nice, but there are serious risks of volence involved in that choice so I’m going with turning this ward upside down, making you and your boss’ job and life so unmanageable that he’ll write whatever he has to write to get rid of me. [Nurse Safer hand Beasley a blue file.] Safer: He’s all set. Beasley: Thanks. [House smiles at her, slightly ferociously. She smiles back.] [Cut to a room with two beds and a double nightstand between them. The window is barred. House enters and looks around. He pokes the bed on the right with his cane and drops his suitcase on it. As he starts unpacking, he hears a voice in the hallway.] Alvie: Ow. I’ve never been in the end unit before. [getting closer] Yo, I don’t need an escort. Get off me. [He enters and drops his duffle on the other bed. He’s a human perpetual motion machine.] Who are you? You believe these guys? Lecturing me on manic depression, like I couldn’t write a book or two. I stop taking my meds because I want to stop taking my meds, because nothing is wrong with me. No reason to keep dragging me back here. When I’m on them, everything slows down. That’s when the problem is. Hey, nice to see you. My roommate last time couldn’t stand me. House: [who has continued unpacking, silently] Really? Alvie: I’m Juan Alvarez. J.A.’s my stage name, but Alvie’s what everybody around here calls me, like the Woody Allen character in, uh, Annie Hall, but the Puerto Rican version and not as neurotic. So what do I call you? House: Oh, you’re actually waiting for an answer this time. You can call me House. Alvie: Ow! [sings and plays air guitar] He’s a brick, wah wah wah wah, House. Buh buh dum dum. [Cut to House walking quickly down the hall.] Alvie: [behind him] Hey, wait up. I’ve already got the whole place wired so I’ll give you the rundown. [They enter the dayroom.] Yo, everybody! This is my new roommate, House, y’all. [to House] Main thing you gotta know – House: [to Annie who is standing and staring into the office area] Is this the line? Alvie: [to Annie] Hey, Gabby, meet my new roommate, House. You can call him “Heezy.” House: No, you can’t. Alvie: Don’t worry. She won’t call you anything. She hasn’t talked in, like, ten years or something. Good you came here. You need to know the lay of the land. House: [rapping with his cane on the glass window of the office] I need to request a new room. [He starts walking down the perimeter of the office, looking for someone. Alvie follows.] Alvie: Ha. Ha. You’re funny. You’re also gonna come here to get your meds. House: I’m not on any meds. Alvie: You either? Good for you. Tell me my mind works too fast. Probably tell Usain Bold he runs too fast. House: Excuse me. I know you’re busy ignoring me, but my minibar is empty. Alvie: You think Bolt could do the long jump? That sport needs to evolve. Had the same world record for, like, 20 years. I think if one guy launched himself headfirst and right before he hits the ground does a front flip instead, get three extra feet out of that, easy. House: Go be that man. [Alvie laughs. House walks away, Alvie follows him. They both turn around as Hal falls on the floor and cries out.] Hal: Ahhhhh! Ow, my head. Gahhh. My head. Safer: [coming over to him] You’re not getting any Haldol. Sorry. Alvie: That’s Hal. His real name is Connor, but we call him Hal because he – House: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. [He goes to the piano.] Alvie: We can’t play that. They keep it locked up. I wish we could, but at the same time, you can imagine how annoying that could be. Crazy people playing on it all the time. We’d never get any peace. Come on. I want to introduce you to everybody. [Beasley and Dr. Medina are peering at House through the blinds on a door in the office.] Medina: Do you think he’s serious? He’s a doctor. He knows that acting out will only reinforce our diagnosis. Nolan: [behind them] Or it’ll work. [Medina and Beasley turn away from spying to look at Nolan.] Medina: You actually think this is something we should be concerned about? Nolan: A patient makes a thrat, you should always be concerned. [Cut to group therapy. House is slumped in a chair, glaring. On his left is Alvie. Next to Alvie is Diane, a heavy woman whose eyeglasses are held together with tape. Next to Diane is Hal. He is a tall, thin white man in his late 30s. Stomp is on Hal’s left. He’s around 50. He doesn’t talk and his hands are bandaged. Beasley sits between Stomp and Richter, a short guy with curly hair. Jay-Bird, a tall, slender black man in his late 30s and Susan, a toothpick thin, nervous-looking woman round out the circle.] Beasley: There are two new additions to our ward. You all know Alvie. Alvie: [jumping up] Thank you, thank you. Hold your applause. It’s great to be back here in Mayfield. Not just for the food. Not just for the ladies – [he looks around] Well, okay, maybe just for the ladies. [He sits down.] Beasley: And you should also welcome Greg to the floor. House: Don’t worry about the name. I’m just passing through. Don’t want to break any hearts. Jay-Bird: Can we go outside now? Beasley: Not now, Jay. House: So he’s claustrophobic, right? [to Jay] You’re claustrophobic? [to Beasley] Can I get a pen to write this stuff down? [Stomp gets up and leaves the circle. He has one bandaged hand at his face and the other clutched to his chest. He seems agitated.] Richter: Where are you going? [to Beasley] Where’s he going Beasley: It’s okay. House: [pointing at Richter] Paranoid. Check. Hal: Dr. Beasley. I am having an issue with the food. Beasley: What’s the problem? Hal: I swear I’m eating less and less, and I just keep getting bigger and bigger. House: A crayon? Anybody? Beasley: We’ll talk about it another time. I understand you all had art therapy yesterday. Susan: Maybe we can hang some of the new pieces on the wall. House: Cut your wrists, huh? Beasley: Greg, there are certain topics – House: [feigning shock] Oh, I’m sorry. Is su1c1de taboo? Gosh, if I’ve broken a rule on my first day, I will kll myself. Beasley: Group’s over. [Richter and Jay-Bird leave immediately.] House: That flew by. Beasley: You realize you’re not the first uncooperative patient on this floor? House: Really? Is there a club? Beasley: Yes. [standing and pointing] Come with me to the clubhouse. [Cut to the orderly unlocking the door to room 232, a padded cell. House hands him his cane as he passes.] Orderly: That didn’t take long. House: I’m that good. [The orderly locks the door behind him. Through the window in the door, House can be seen sitting on the end of the bed.] [Cut to the yard. Some of the patients are playing basketball. Beasley watches from a bench.] Alvie: C’mon, c’mon, c’mon. [He catches the ball as it rebounds off the backboard.] Beasley: Come on, Alvie! Let’s see some action. Alvie: [shting past Jay-Bird] Oh! You got nothing! [Jay-Bird catches the ball as House comes out and goes to sit with Beasley.] Richter: Me! Me! Me! Beasley: Pass, pass, pass! Good. [As Richter sht.] Come on, guys! [to House] Ready to play nice? House: Would you believe me if I said “yes”? Beasley: No. House: Then, yes. Beasley: You do know I’m trying to help you. House: [nods] I also know you’re trying to be sweet, caring and effective. You’re just not. Beasley: You want out. [House looks at her.] Just talk. Be honest. Try to work with people. Try to deal with people. House: [nods slightly] Okay. [He gets up, holding his leg as Little Cabin Song by Billy Moon, Sharkey & Zooks starts to play.] Alvie: House, House! He’s on my team! House: Shut up. Nobody likes you. [Alvie visibly wilts as House turns to Jay-Bird who has the ball.] Jay-Bird: Hey. House: Am I crowding you? Jay-Bird: What? House: Can’t see the sun? Jay-Bird: [backing up and sinking lower with each step] Huh? House: Oh, no! Everything is closing in. Jay-Bird: [seated on the ground, gives House the ball] Okay. House: [to Beasley] He’s the claustrophobic one, right? ‘Cause I’m doing this from memory. [He starts walking toward the basket.] Richter: You have to dribble. House: Why? The CIA satellites aren’t watching me. They’re watching you, ‘cause you’re wearing green. [As Richter tears off his sweater and throws it on the ground, House turns to Beasley] That one was just too easy. [Turning to Hal] Seriously, anorexia? What, are you supposed to be a girl? And, in answer to your implicit question, yes, those pants do make you look fat. [Hal backs away quickly. House looks around and sees Susan standing under the basket.] How upset were you when you woke up in the ER and you were still alive and a failure? [She turns and walks away. House looks at Beasley, bounces the ball a couple of times and makes an easy lay-up.] Alvie: Whoo-hoo. Two-nothing. Good, guys! [Alvie goes to high five House who ignores him. He heads for Beasley who is standing. Richter is seated, curled up on the bench behind her.] House: You’re right. It is rewarding when you reach out. [He picks up his cane and heads for the stairs which are through a big metal fence door.] Beasley: You can’t go up there. It’s yard time now. House: Put it on my tab. [He starts up as Beasley goes to comfort Richter. As he climbs, he hears Schumann’s Kinderszenen Op. 15 on the piano. He enters the day room. Lydia, a visitor, is playing the piano. Annie sits on a bench nearby.] House: I think you’ll find music therapy’s more effective if the patients are inside to hear it. [She smiles and continues playing.] Where’d you get the key? Lydia: [speaking with a German accent] They gave it to me. House: [pointing to Annie] So, if she ever talks, are we gonna get a German accent? Lydia: [laughing] No. She’s, um, my husband’s sister. House: So let him come play the piano. Lydia: He doesn’t know how to play. House: Nice. You’re a little heavy on the right foot, though. [He sits next to Annie.] Lydia: See her head? It bobs to the music. It’s the only real reaction I’m getting from her. [House takes Annie’s wrist.] It feels like… we’re talking. House: You’re not talking. [She stops playing and looks at him.] Her head is bobbing to her pulse. Lydia: Are you a new doctor on the ward? House: Technically, yes. [The door to the outside opens. Two orderlies come in, followed by Beasley. House stands and tosses his cane to the first orderly who catches it.] House: Can I lead this time? Orderly: Come on. House: [to Lydia, over his shoulder as they lead him off] Leave the lid unlocked when you’re done. [Iron & Wine’s Love Vigilante plays as House lies stretched out in the isolation room. He spends most of the time with his hands clasped behind his head like a pillow but, at one point he slides his right hand down to rub his leg. He raises his head slightly when Beasley enters, carrying his cane.] House: Can you close the door? You’re letting all the cool air out. Beasley: If you keep up this scorched-earth policy, you’re gonna end up living in this room. Are you ready to try another strategy, or do you want me to leave you in here? [She holds out his cane. He stares for a moment then reaches for it.] [Cut to the day room. Hal and Alvie are playing ping pong, using their hands instead of paddles. Diane is watching them. Susan is at a table playing solitaire. Stomp and Jay-Bird are by the piano. Hal reaches for a sht and falls on the ping pong table with a loud grunt. The ball bounces away.] Alvie: Twenty-one. Two one. That’s game. Hey, House is back. Diane: I’ll get the ball. Alvie: [to House] Come on. I need some meat. I got no one left to play. Diane: I’ll play you. Alvie: Girl! Come on, House. You can serve. [He rolls the ball across the table toward House, who picks it up.] House: I’ve had some time to think about the approach I’ve been taking. [He looks back at Beasley.] I’m new, unhappy here, and I’ve been taking it out on you guys… unfairly. It was… misdirected anger. [He bounces the ping pong ball on the table once.] ‘Cause when you think about it, the real jerks here are the doctors. Beasley: House. House: See how they give you a ping pong table, but no paddles. No net. It’s like they’re mocking you. Alvie: Preach! House: The game is called table tennis, not table volleyball. Beasley: [coming over] Greg, you know where this is gonna end. House: Who ever saw a tennis court without a net? Richter: Little run-down park across from my apartment growing up. Three courts, no nets. No one ever used it. House: No one’s gonna try to hang themselves with a ping pong net. Hal: Of course not. Jay-Bird: That’s ridiculous. Alvie: It ain’t right, doc. You treat us like little kids. House: No, little kids are allowed to play ping pong and they can play the piano. Richter: Yeah, worse than little kids. Beasley: All right, why don’t we just go and sit down and discuss it? Hal: No, no, no, no. I want to discuss it right here. [The patients start shouting and banging on things.] Beasley: Guys. [They continue.] Guys. [House is bopping to the rhythm of their noise, silently egging them on.] Guys! Alvie: We want our paddles. We want our paddles. We want – [Everyone stops. House turns around. Nolan has entered.] Nolan: House is right. [He holds up two paddles.] I think everyone here can handle these. [He tosses one to Alvie and turns to leave.] House: Seriously? Is that your strategy? Give everybody what they want except me? Nolan: You’re a natural leader. You could do something useful down here, for them, definitely for you. Or we could… keep fighting. If you think you can break me, if you think I’m not every bit as stubborn as you. [He leaves. House turns back, thinking.] [Cut to House’s and Alvie’s room at night. House is lying in bed, still thinking.] Alvie: [rapping] Came to fight the man and he had the master plan, but it started to unravel, Nolan smashed him with his gavel like BLAH. House: Shut up. Alvie: So you gonna keep trying to make them miserable? House: No Alvie: New plan? House: Yep. Alvie: What is it? House: I don’t know yet. Alvie: [rapping in a whisper] His mind is burning, the wheels are turning, the butter is churning. You think Nolan can keep House from strolling? – House: You know, it’s easier to come up with a new plan in silence. Alvie: [snaps his fingers] Right. Cool. [He lays quietly for close to ten seconds.] Can I hum? [House grabs something from the bedside table and throws it at Alvie’s head.] [Cut to the day room. Group is in session.] Beasley: I’d like you all to welcome another addition to our ward. Steve. Freedom Master: Uh Freedom Master. Steve Elkerton is just a cover. It’s like Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker. Alvie: Coooool. We got more Jesuses than superheroes. Freedom Master: Well, I try to blend in in the outside world, but I figure in here, everybody gets it. Alvie: [to House in a stage whisper] Hey… We’re living in the Ward of Justice. [He mimes a mask with his fingers.] Beasley: Alvie. [to Freedom Master] Can you explain a little more about what you think everybody gets? Freedom Master: There’s good and evil in the world. And some people are – are special, and they’re chosen to help keep evil forces at bay. Susan: You don’t think you can stop bllts, do you? Freedom Master: I move out of their way. Richter: Can you read minds? [House makes an exasperated face.] Freedom Master: No. [House gets up and heads for the windows.] Beasley: Group time, Greg. Freedom Master: Why isn’t she talking? [He points at Annie.] She needs help. She needs somebody to save her. Beasley: That’s what we’re all trying to do. Let’s take five minutes. Everybody get to know Steve. [She gets up and heads toward House.] Freedom Master: I can fly. [Alvie laughs.] Beasley: [to House] I know you’re scheming. Working on your next elaborate plan to get out of here. Why don’t you put the plan on hold for a few days? See what happens. Just let me do my job. If you prefer private to group, we can do that, maybe try some SSRIs. [House is busy staring at Nolan and an attractive woman in the parking lot.] If you think nothing’s working, you can always go back to your schemes. House: God, if only you’d said that two minutes ago, before I came up with my new scheme. Now I’m committed. [He takes a step past her then leans back with a huge smile on his face.] Ha! Get it! [She watches, smiling, as he leaves.] [Cut to the yard. Alvie is playing basketball.] Alvie: Huh. Shaq up in my area. I’m a better baller and a better rapper. [He sht.] What? And I’m good at basketball too. House: [approaches] Do you have third floor privileges? Alvie: [nodding] Ever since I shared in group about my uncle fondling me. House: Is that true? Alvie: Yeah. And now I can use the third-floor vending machines. [He continues to sht, miss and grab the rebounds during the conversation.] You eat sour cream and onion chips? I mean the whole point is the dipping. Sure, we save time by not adding the mix and sour cream, but you’re missing out on the – House: I need you to break into Nolan’s office. Alvie: [instantly into it] Commando style. House: I want you to focus. Alvie: You want me to mess him up? House: Go into Nolan’s office. Look at his calendar. I need the name of the woman he met with at 11 today. Alvie: No problem. And I’ll get you some old-school chips. If they have them, I’ll get you some dip. But I’ve never seen dip in the vending machine. House: Yes, get me chips and dip. What else? Alvie: I get it, I get it. Plan “B.” “B” is for blackmail. I got you covered. [hands House the basketball and whispers] Commando style. [Alvie leaves, doing elaborate commando style jumping, zigzag up the stairs.] [Cut to the day room. House sits on the piano bench, twirling his cane. He leans back, trying to look casual, and realizes the piano is unlocked. He thinks then smiles slightly when he realizes Lydia left it unlocked as he asked. He reaches back and plunks out the first notes of Beethoven’s Fifth. In the office, Safer holds out the piano key to the orderly. House sees this, closes the piano lid and goes to sit next to Annie. The orderly comes out and locks the piano.] [The door opens. Alvie can be heard before he can be seen being carried into the ward by two orderlies. He is wiggling and yelling.] Alvie: Let me go! I just wanted a little snack, all right? Yo, I didn’t know they machine was moved! I want some Ritz Bits. Yo, I might be pregnant! I get these cravings! [House smiles as they carry Alvie off.] [Cut to House’s and Alvie’s room. House sits on his bed, whistling slightly and toying with his cane. Alvie comes in.] House: You get the name? Alvie: Nolan’s schedule book just has a big “X” marking out the whole middle of the day. House: Well, then we can assume the girl he’s with is called “Nooner.” Alvie: [chuckling] Nooner, Nooner, Nolan’s gonna spoon her. House: He’s gonna fork her. Alvie: And then he’s gonna Knfe her. [House looks at him.] I didn’t get a chance to check the phone or anything else. House: That’s okay. I got her license plate. I call my friend. He gets the name. I get the letter that gets me out of here. Alvie: You got phone privileges? House: I’m on level minus four. I’m still writing with a crayon. You? Alvie: You got to be at level five. That’s like the top of the Space Needle. Hal’s the only one that’s up that high. House: Hal’s at level five? Alvie: They give him a point every time he clears his plate. I’ve been eating his potatoes. House: Will he sell you some minutes? Alvie: No. I pay two cigarettes for the potatoes. Phone’s worth a lot more. House: [thinks] Can you cheek a pill? Alvie: No. House: That’s too bad for you. [Cut to montage of the day room. Poison Pushy by Stanton Moore plays. Diane is working on a jigsaw puzzle. Stomp and Richter are playing checkers. House and Alvie sit on a couch. Alvie’s more jittery than usual, if that’s possible. They don’t look at each other while they quietly talk.] House: You sure you’re good with this? Alvie: Yeah, yeah. Gotta be done. House: So how do we start? Alvie: I think we just start. Make it good. Make it real. [Long pause] Just do it already. [House sets his mouth then reaches across his body to pop Alvie in the face with a right jab.] Aah! [Everyone looks up as House stands. He grabs Alvie by the shirt, hauls him off the couch and throws him on the floor. The TV in the room shows Stewie beating Brian in an episode of Family Guy. House, straddling Alvie, is punching him over and over.] Safer: Code Gray! Beasley: [getting up from her desk where she’s been talking to Jay-Bird] Give me five milligrams of Haldol! [Back in the day room, House continues to punch Alvie.] Alvie: Aah! [several more punches] Help! Get him off me! [Two orderlies grab House by the upper arms and drag him off Alvie. As he struggles, one of them pries open his mouth and shoves a couple of pills inside.] [Cut to the orderlies dumping an unconscious House on his bed. They leave. Moments later, Alvie sneaks into the room. He has several livid bruises on his face. He goes to House’s bed and whispers.] Alvie: Dude, that was awesome. [House opens one eye. He sits up and opens his mouth. The pills are on his tongue. He spits them into his hand.] House: Think Hal will mind if they’re wet? [Alvie laughs and applies a cold pack to his bruises.] [Cut to a darkened hall at night. House is making a call on one of the pay phones. Wilson answers.] Wilson: House? House: No. It’s your other friend at the asylum. Wilson: How’s it going? House: Hallucinations are gone, so is the Vicodin. Wilson: [closing his laptop and putting it on the table] How’s the leg? How’s the pain? House: They got me on some non-narcotic. I’m dealing. I need you to run a license plate. Wilson: Was there a ht-and-run on your floor? House, just do what you’re supposed to do. Listen to the doctors and I’ll be able to visit soon. House: Track down the owner of this car, and I’ll be able to visit you in your office tomorrow. My doctor is too smart, too old and too well-dressed to only be running one ward. He screwed up something in his life and I think he’s doing it again. I need her name so I can blackmail the blackmailer. Wilson: House. House. He called me. House: What did he want to know? Wilson: He wanted to know about you. He wanted to warn me that you’d be calling for something. And he told me if I wanted to help you get better, I had to let him do his job. House: Well, now I’m calling you to tell you that if he calls you – Wilson: House, I’m so sorry. I wish I could help you. House: You can. [Wilson hangs up the phone and stands, holding if. House, on his end, takes the phone away from his ear.] [Cut to House’s and Alvie’s room. Alvie sits up as House comes back in.] House: It turns out… you’re my only friend. Alvie: House ain’t a newbie, now he living on this floor. [He’s holding a slipper like a microphone. He holds it out toward House.] House: And I hate you. I’m gonna cooperate. Alvie: That’s not much of a plan. That’s actually their plan. House: No, I’m pretty sure their plan is for me to actually swallow the pills, to actually cooperate. [Alvie laughs. House smiles.] [Cut to the day room. Montage as James Hunter’s No Smoke Without fre plays. A whiteboard has each patient’s name, their intake date – House’s was 05/25 – primary physician, etc. In the “privilege #” column, House has a “0.”] [Group is in session. House is talking, a lot. The “0” on the white board gets replaced with a “1.”] [Cut to House on the fenced in outside stairwell. He lights a cigarette and puts the matches back on a high crossbeam. He blows the smoke up at a camera. Cut to House playing basketball. He smiles as he throws the ball to Richter. House’s privilege number goes to “2.”] [House stands in the office doorway. Beasley fills out some paperwork then bows as she hands House an ID on a chain. Cut to House outside. He’s lying on a bench, looking up at the sky. Safer changes House’s privileges to “3.”] Alvie: I’m so proud of my little roomie. [All the guys except Freedom Master are at a table playing cards. Alvie reaches across to pinch House’s cheek.] I only taught him everything he knows. House brushes his hand away as Stomp giggles slightly.] House: One, two, three. [They all put a card on their foreheads, facing out. House has the 8 of diamonds, Jay-Bird the 10 of clubs.] Okay, Stomp. Start the bidding. Highest card wins. [Stomp, who has the king of hearts, gets up and leaves.] That’s probably a fold. Richter. Richter: [He has a red face card] Uh, two cigarettes. House: He’s not confident, Alvie. Crush him, in the form of a rhyme if you want. Alvie: [with the 8 of spades] No regrets, raise ten cigarettes. House: Oh. That’s a lot of nerve for someone with a two on their head. Alvie: You’re messing with me. Hal: [two of hearts] You can’t raise ten. I only have five. Alvie: Throw in your phone card. Hal: I’m not gonna throw in my phone card. Diane: [approaching] Can I play? House: [reaching for her] Come here. Diane: Why? House: I want to see if you’ve got what it takes. Give me your best poker face. [She leans down and stares at him. He stares back. He sees his card reflected in her glasses.] Too rich for my blood. [to Diane] You can take my seat. Safer: Med time! [Everyone but Alvie gets up. House is first in line.] Safer: How are you feeling today? House: Better than yesterday, not as good as tomorrow. [He takes the pills and water. As he passes Alvie, he sticks out his tongue. There are two pills on it. Alvie smiles and touches his nose.] [Cut to shts of Mayfield’s exterior as Schubert’s Impromptu #3 in B flat is heard on the piano. In the day room, House approaches Lydia, who is playing.] House: I’ve been humming to her. She sways. It might be significant. [Lydia continues playing.] Are you ignoring me or are you just letting my charm wash over you. Lydia: [smiling as House sits next to Annie] Kind of touch to play and chat. A couple of weeks ago you told me playing to her was a complete waste of time. House: You’re right. Your playing does get worse when you talk. [She gives him a “very funny” look.] I assume she loved music. Lydia: She played for the Philadelphia Philharmonic – cello. House: Well, if she responded to the piano, she might respond even better to the cello. Lydia: [stopping playing] I play a little. Hmm. Maybe I’ll bring one in on Tuesday. Thank you. [He nods acknowledgement.] [Cut to the office. House plays with a rubber band while he sits at Medina’s desk.] House: Different desk. Different doctor. Medina: You’ve been on meds for a while now. I’ll be checking in with you periodically to see if we need to adjust your dose. Any dry mouth, trouble sleeping? House: Nope. Can I go now? There’s a manic out there with a fresh carton of cigarettes, and he’s a terrible bluffer. Medina: [chuckling] It’s nice to see that you and Alvie are friends again. Tell me about your fight. House: He ht me. I ht him back. Repeat until pulpy. Medina: Alvie told me you instigated the thing. House: Well, that tends to be the way fights work – different interpretations of the same circumstances. Medina: Very understanding attitude. House: There’s that tone again. Medina: You’re smart. House: How come every time you compliment me, it sounds like an accusation? Medina: You’re not having any side effects from your meds, which is unusual. House: It’s not that unusual. Medina: The story about the fight isn’t adding up. House: Why don’t you stop pretending that you haven’t reached a conclusion? You don’t trust me. Actually, it’s more fundamental than that. You don’t like me. Medina: I didn’t say that. House: You think I’m not taking my meds. Medina: Are you? House: Yes. So what do you want me to do? Want me to take a urine test? Will that earn your trust? Medina: Actually, yeah. [Medina gets up. House looks worried.] [Cut to the bathroom. Medina leads the way in. He’s holding a specimen cup that he hands to House.] Medina: Have at it. House: A little dignity, please. Medina: You know the rules. I have to watch. House: Yeah, but you don’t have to have courtside seats. Can I at least use a stall? [Cut to House sidling into one of the stalls. He locks the door and hangs up his cane. He turns toward the toilet and gives Hal the specimen cup. Hal is crouched on the toilet. He stands and unzips. Outside, Medina looks under the stall and sees only House’s feet. In the stall Hal signals for House to look away. House takes a deep breath, looks at the ceiling and begins to sing.] House: For he himself has said it, and it’s greatly to his credit, that he is an Englishman. He i-i-i-i-is an Englishman. [Hal gives House the filled and capped specimen cup. House flushes, retrieves his cane and slips out of the stall. He hands the specimen to Medina.] House: Get it while it’s hot. [Cut to the day room. House’s privilege number is changed to 4. Medina’s in the office. He closes a book and comes into the room. The boys are all playing cards again.] Medina: [to House] I’m sorry I doubted you. [House nods. As Medina turns away, House and Alvie bump fists.] Medina: Freedom Master, think you could help me out? Freedom Master: [standing] You need help? Of – of course. That’s – Medina: Great. Could you move the piano for me? [House pauses while reaching for a card and looks at them over his shoulder.] It’s 500 pounds. That’s not too much, is it? Freedom Master: Well, is there something trapped underneath or…? Medina: No. I just want to move it away from the window. Freedom Master: I’m sorry. My powers aren’t for frivolous – Medina: Just one quick lift. House: Why are you doing that? Alvie: [quietly] House, it’s none of your business. House: [putting down his cards and turning] I’m just curious. As a doctor, What are you doing? Medina: Either he is Freedom Master, and he shouldn’t be here, or else he’s suffering from a serious and dangerous delusion that he needs to deal with. House: [taking his cane and standing] So… legit medical reasons. You’re not just trying to break the guy because he’s a little different. Medina: He’s not different. He’s delusional. [to Freedom Master] Can you help me out? Freedom Master: [looking at Annie] What is she looking at? Medina: You’re not a superhero, Steven. You’re just a regular person. Freedom Master: I can save her. Medina: That’s okay. We’re… we’re all just regular people. It’s what we do. Freedom Master: They stole her voice box. [He heads for the office.] They have it in there. That’s what she’s staring at. That’s what she’s staring at. She’s always staring – Medina: Your wife is dad. [Everyone watches.] Freedom Master: Good can defeat evil. Medina: Not every time. Evil people klled a lot of good people that day. You couldn’t save her. No one could save her. Freedom Master: It’s in there. Her voice is in there. Her voice is in there. [He starts rattling the doorknob to the office, trying to get in.] Medina: Code gray. [He turns away as two orderlies grab Freedom Master. He tries harder to open the door.] Freedom Master: Her voice is in there. [as they drag him off, he continues to shout] Her voice is in there! Her voice is in there. No! No! [House stares at Medina. [Cut to Alvie coming over to House.] Alvie: Don’t do it. House: I’m not doing anything. [They’re in the yard. House is sitting on a bench, flipping cards.] Alvie: You’re thinking. Thins go from thinking to doing way too fast in this place. You keep thinking, you’re gonna wind up with no mo in your mojo. House: I’m thinking of hitting you again. Alvie: You hate Medina. You hate all of them. You want to hurt them. You got to keep pretending. Step away from the hate. House: What’s the difference between pretending to cooperate and cooperating? Alvie: Pretending is pretending. It’s not real. You don’t mean it. House: I sat and watched while he did something stupid and pointless. I cooperated. Alvie: In a few days, you won’t have to watch because you’re going home. You’ll be getting your job back. Safer: Everybody inside. Closing ceremonies. Everyone attends. One of you is going home. [Cut to the day room. A cake with “Happy Re-Birthday” and one candle on it is on the table.] Beasley: It’s been a great week. Um, a number of you have made tremendous strides. But today we’re here to congratulate Susan. [Everyone applauds as Susan walks to the table.] We wish her well, and we hope Everyone: to never see her again! [More applause. Susan blows out the candle. House looks around.] Beasley: Yeah, isn’t it pretty? [House walks over to Medina.] House: Where’s Freedom Master? Medina: He isn’t able to take part. [House heads back toward the rooms. Medina follows. House opens the door to Freedom Master’s room. He’s sitting, motionless, on his bed.] House: Get out there. They said everybody has to get out there. Talk! Say something! Medina: Dr. House, leave him alone. House: Did you drug him? Medina: Of course I didn’t drug him. House: He has a flat affect. He’s practically catatonic. Alvie: [in the doorway] Hey, we got cake. Medina: He’s fine. Alvie: Double chocolate. Yummy, yummy. House: Don’t tell me that he’s fine! You did this. He was functioning. He was happy. Medina: He was delusional. House: Yeah. He’s way better off now. Nolan: [entering] Dr. House. Let’s talk. [House follows Nolan out the door.] Alvie: Thinking sucks. [Cut to Nolan’s office.] House: I’m not allowed to get angry? They screwed him up. And for the record, I am two privilege levels above Susan. And I got the same depression-scale score. Nolan: Every patient is different. It’s not about scores and levels and – House: Happiness is happiness. The test is the test. Coping is coping. Nolan: And you think you’re – House: Absolutely! I need to address some deeper issues, which I can do on an outpatient basis. Three hours a week? And that’s just my opening offer. If you want to counter, I’ll likely fold. Nolan: No. House: “No” is not an argument. Are you trying to frustrate me? Nolan: No. House: “No” again? I can cope! I’m coping. In fact… [He reaches into his pants pocket.] I’m coping better than you think. I’ve not been taking my meds. [He holds out a handful of pills.] Not one. And yet, I still scored a “high functioning” on your depression test. Nolan: So your proof of your well-being is that you lied? House: Manipulated. My proof is that I can fool the test, I can fool you, which means I am high functioning. I am sane, rational, capable. I should not be here. Nolan: These are your pills from today? [Nolan picks one up from where House dropped them on his desk.] House: I’m not gonna take it. I’ll just cheek it again. [Nolan leans forward with the pill in his palm.] Nolan: Lick it. House: You want me to lick your hand? Nolan: I washed. [House stares, silently, at him for several second.] House: It’s sugar. Nolan: Your test results were improving too regularly and too quickly. I was concerned that you weren’t taking your pills, that it was all an act, so I switched you to a placebo… [He eats the pill.] to see if your improvements would continue. [chuckles] Your psych tests told me nothing, but your urine tests told me you were faking. You need to stop fighting the system. You need to let me do my job. [Cut to House’s and Alvie’s room. Alvie is in bed. House slams the door as he walks in.] Alvie: So… what’s the next plan? House: There is no new plan. I’m out of plans. Alvie: So what do we do? House: We stop talking. [He lifts his leg and lies down, facing he wall.] [Cut to the next morning. An acoustic guitar plays as House paces near a window in the day room. He sees a convertible VW driving toward the hospital. There’s a cello in the back seat. Lydia’s driving. House smiles.] [Cut to an elevator opening. Lydia gets off and turns. House is sitting on a bench behind her.] House: I see you’ve got some cello in your trunk. [She turns to face him.] And, no, that’s not a euphemism. [He stands.] Lydia: Are you spying on me? House: I’m living in a psychiatric hospital. Staring out of the window is what we do. I assume you’ll need help carrying it up. I still got grounds privileges. Lydia: And who’s going to carry you when you’re carrying the cello? House: Yes, cast aside the useless cripple. How very German of you. Lydia: Seriously, the thing weighs a ton with that case. I think I need a dolly. House: Or we could ask Clark Kent to pitch in. [Freedom Master is sitting, motionless by one of the windows.] Lydia: The dolly’s probably easier. House: Eh, the dolly… already feels good about itself. He was a happy-go-lucky superhero until they told him he has no powers. We let him help out, he feels good about himself. Might be less depressed. [She sighs.] [Cut to outside. House and Lydia are on the curb. Freedom Master is wrestling the cello out of the car.] House: So why do you put your life on hold to visit your sister-in-law five times a week? Lydia: Am I somehow a bad person for showing compassion? House: No. You’re not even a bad person for lying about why you’re doing it. [loudly, to Freedom Master] Oh, that is impressive. That is a superhuman feat. [Freedom Master grunts as he puts the cello down next to the car.] Why don’t you take a rest before you fly that thing up to the ward? [He leans against the car, breathing hard.] He’s still depressed. Give me your car keys. [He holds out his hand.] Lydia: You gonna dangle them in front of him to entertain him? House: I’m gonna make him feel like he’s flying. I’ll just drive him around the grounds, top down, wind in his hair. [She laughs.] Seriously… you’re gonna say no to that? [pointing at Freedom Master] [She sighs and hands him the keys.] [Cut to House’s hand, turning on the ignition of the car. The car drives off. The cello is all alone at the bus stop.] [Cut to the three of them in the car. House is driving. Lydia is riding gn. Freedom Master is in the back seat.] House: Why are you so nice to me? Lydia: I think you have a good heart. House: Would you still be nice to me if I told you that I lied? I’m not just driving around the grounds in your convertible. I’m kidnapping him and stealing your car. [Cut to the car pulling over to the curb, tires screeching.] House: You sure? [She nods and opens the car door.] I was just starting to feel a little heat between us. Thought we had kind of a “Bonnie and Clyde” thing going there. Lydia: Bonnie and Clyde get sht to pieces. [She closes the door.] House: Hmm. See you. [House and Freedom Master drive off. Lydia puts her bag on her shoulder and starts walking in the opposite direction, toward Mayfield.] [Big Strides’ “I Do Not Fear Jazz” plays as House and Freedom Master drive down the road. House reaches over and picks up a pair of sunglasses from the seat divider and puts them on. Freedom Master sits up and takes an interest in the surroundings.] House: You can do this. [Cut to House wearing an orange and yellow jump suit with an “XFly” logo and goggles. There’s a Ferris wheel in the background.] If you hold my hand, I can do it too. [Freedom Master, who is dressed the same as House, shifts and grabs both House’s forearms. House nods and the operator of the ride throws a switch. There’s a whirring noise and Freedom Master’s hair blows upward. As the wind grows, they are both lifted into the air. Freedom Master laughs, delightedly. “Life” by Sly and the Family Stone plays.] [They’re on a skydiving ride, floating high above the dinky, traveling carnival. They’re both laughing. They let go with one hand and House takes a firmer grip on Freedom Master’s left wrist.] Freedom Master: Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! House: Don’t let go! Freedom Master: Aaah! Going up! Whooooo! [They are up very high and grinning widely. They have a bird’s eye view of the carnival. A clown laughs. Someone hits the bell on the Test Your Strength machine.] [Cut to a parking garage. Freedom Master and House enter. House is carrying a large stuffed giraffe. He smiles and Freedom Master runs around, his arms wide in the classic airplane pose. In the background the Ferris wheel can be seen.] Freedom Master: Whoo! Freedom Master’s back! [He runs past House. A family getting into their car looks nervous.] House: Keep it down, Freedom Master. Freedom Master: [off screen] Whoo! House: You’re scaring the good citizens. Freedom Master: [running up to House] That was the coolest moment of my life. House: It was fun. [Freedom Master runs in a circle House.] You can repay me by telling Nolan he’s an idiot. Freedom Master: Smell that fresh air and the warmth of your yellow sun. House: We do enjoy it. [Freedom Master “wooshes” off.] Careful of the traffic. [He puts the giraffe in the car. Don’t go damaging any fenders. [He looks up.] Hey! [Freedom Master is climbing on the wall at the side of the garage.] Hey! Come on, get down. There’s no cry for help. There’s no cat in a tree. Freedom Master: Thank you, Greg. House: [yells] NO! [as Freedom Master “flies” off the side of the garage.] [Cut to House holding Freedom Master’s bloody jacket. He’s in a waiting room at a hospital. He looks shocked and overwhelmed.] Nolan: He’s lucky to be alive. He’s got a lacerated spleen, rotational pelvic fracture, compound break of the femur and humerus. Everything in your life has been about finding the truth. But suddenly, with this guy, you decide to reinforce a sick man’s delusions. You just wanted to take a swing at me, hmm? You don’t care about getting out. You don’t care about him. You don’t even care about the truth. You don’t care about anything, House. I’m transferring you to Winslow Psychiatric. You’ll have better luck pulling the wool over their eyes. [starts to walk away] I’m done. House: [has been staring at him, looking terrified about what he did] Don’t. [Nolan stops and looks back.] I need help.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x02 - Broken (Part 2)"}	foreverdreaming
[The scene opens inside the virtual world of a video game. The camera is moving forward. A large vaultlike metal door slides opens, and a huge bat creature shrieks and flies out. Dripping water and electrical crackling can be heard. Three mutant human avatars are present inside what looks like an abandon factory, which is now being used for illicit scientific experiments. It is a large dirty space with exposed pipes and cables hanging from the ceiling and old metal parts lying around. But it also has some modern features. It is well lit, has a large aquarium tnk, which holds at least one shark, and smaller tnk with other creatures floating in them. There are also some electronic gadgets, which are emitting sparks of electricity.] [Vince (the leader), is the most human looking of the three. His face is rather catlike, but his feet are hooves. He is wearing armor and carrying a large wapon. Lee is a chimp-like character who moves through the space by swinging from pipes on the ceiling. He is carrying a smaller wapon. Roy is the scariest of the three. He stands upright but looks more like a lizard than a human. He is also carrying a wapon.] [Vince, Lee, and Roy appear to be trapped in this building] Vince: I guess everybody else is dad... Which means we're totally outnumbered. We got to make up for that in pure firepower. Lee: (speaking from a broken hole in the ceiling) You want to raid the feeding area, don't you? Vince: Two boxes of grenades in there. It's our only chance at getting out. Roy: Uh, Vince, that place is a death trap. Vince: Lucky for you, I’ve got the mega-blaster. Lee, you go right. Roy, straight down the middle. I'll cover you both. [The three characters move forward until they are standing in front of a heavy metal door with a lit sign which reads “feeding area three”] Vince: 1, 2, 3! [The door opens to reveal hundreds of bats in a room with human skeletons on the floor. Roy and Lee start fring. The bats are screeching.] Lee: Where's that cover fre? Mega-blaster, dude. Mega-blaster! Roy: Aah! What the hell? Lee: Got it! Vince, where are you? Roy: (on his back now, fending off bats) Ah, I can't get them off of me! Lee: (also on his back and being attcked by bats, is bleeding unrealistic looking blood) Vince, you d-bag, where are you? Damn it. Damn it. [Scene switches to the control room for the game where Vince’s play station is empty, his wapon and helmet lie on the floor. The screen on the wall says “Game Over.” Lee pushes up the visor of his helmet] Roy: Damn it, Vince. Ahh. Roy: (removing his helmet) That blood look funny to you? Lee: Still working on it. The code's a little janky. Lee: (calling to Vince in the office which can be seen through a large window) Hey, boss, you just like watching us get our asses shredded? Roy: Yeah, not that you're not hilarious, but we ht the shelves in three months. [They get no response from Vince] Roy: Vince? [Looking concerned, Lee and Roy run into the office] Lee: Vince, what's wrong? Vince: (sitting on a couch, is in pain. He holds out his hands, which are red) My hands. They're on fre. OPENING CREDITS [Scene opens in the ER at PPTH. Thirteen pulls back a cubicle curtain to reveal Vince sitting on the bed] Thirteen: (to Vince) Your NCV test was normal. Rules out carpal tunnel. No evidence of trauma. Your blood work looks normal. Vince: Then what is it? Thirteen: I don't know. I'll arrange to have you transferred to a neurologist. Vince: A neurologist? Don't you have some famous diagnostics guy? What's he doing? [Cut to House standing in front of Cuddy and Foreman in her office] House: I quit. Foreman: You can't quit. House: I think you're confusing me with Jake Gyllenhaal. Cuddy: House, are you okay? House: Yeah, and I want to stay that way. Talked it over with my therapist. I need to change my environment, my habits. Foreman: But he cleared you to get your license back. House: Which will help immensely with my new job in research. I’ve sent out some resumes. Research means no patients, less pressure. Cuddy: Well, you just got out. Have you had enough time to think this through? House: I'm sorry. I know this will affect both of you... And Thirteen... And the one with the nose. I just can't risk coming back here. Cuddy: Okay. [House nods and leaves] Cuddy: (to Foreman) That was surprising. Foreman: (sitting back and clearing his throat) I want to run the department. Cuddy: You consider waiting until House clears the lobby before you start angling for his job? Foreman: He's not dad or sentimental and somebody needs to do it. Cuddy: Not necessarily. Departments of diagnostic medicine don't exist. The only reason we have one is because of House. Foreman: You reassigned us, kept us on payroll for three months. You might as well give me a chance. Cuddy: You're a great doctor. I want you to stay on in neuro. But House was a genius. Foreman: House was an egotistical, pill-popping lawsuit magnet... And a genius. And I worked with him longer than anybody else. I can do this. Cuddy: (considers for a moment) You get one sht. [Cut to the diagnostics office where Taub and Thirteen are pulling dust covers off of the furniture. Foreman is holding a medical file] Taub: What's House gonna do? Foreman: No idea, but he's gone. So how about we focus on the medicine? (He notices that Thirteen is looking at him) What? Thirteen: You’re the boss. It's kind of sexy. Taub: Here I thought it was just the pants. Uh, diabetic neuropathy? Foreman: Hba1c looks fine. Could be hypothyroidism. Thirteen: No fatigue or weight gain. What about complex regional pain syndrome? Taub: That’s a good idea. Foreman: Let's run with it. Look at that. No House, the job still gets done. Thirteen: And yet something's missing. Taub: I’m short. He's black. You're gay-ish. Thirteen: That's it. Foreman: Treat for CRPS. Prep the patient for spinal stimulation. [Cut to Taub and Thirteen talking to Vince in his room. Vince has his laptop open on the table] Vince: I don't buy it. Taub: CRPS isn't that well understood, but – Vince: I think it's mercury poisoning. I eat a ton of sushi. Thirteen: And you're currently getting mixed reviews in “Speed-the-Plow” on Broadway. (Vince and Taub look at her questioningly) Google it. It's pretty hard to consume enough fish to give yourself mercury poisoning, and it doesn't usually present solely with pain. Vince: But it can. Check out the “Atlantic Medical Journal”. This guy came in with burning pain caused by, uh, "erythromelalgia", caused by mercury poisoning. Thirteen: Who needs actual doctors when you got the internet? Vince: No offense, but doctors make mistakes. Medical errors are up 30% this year. Taub: You should check the rate of patient error. Vince: There's a ton of information out there. Why wouldn't I educate myself, be my own advocate? CRPS came up in my search too. But I’ve never had any skin discoloration, and my pain is sporadic and not constant. It's got to be worth one lousy blood test. [Cut to Foreman standing in the doorway of House’s office. He walks around to stand behind the desk, looking very smug. He pulls the dust cover off of the desk. The camera focuses on House’s red and grey ball. Foreman sits down in the chair and picks up the ball. Cameron walks in] Cameron: You know how House feels about people touching his ball. Foreman: No. Chase refuses to tell me. (He puts the ball back on the desk) Cameron: Right. My husband's gay. Witty. I hear you're taking over for House. You're gonna be great. Congratulations. Foreman: Not permanent. Camreon: Yet. Taub and Thirteen cool with it? He's older than you. She's seen you naked. Foreman: Not like we haven't been working together for two years now. Cameron: Working with is different than working for. (She sits down in front of the desk) You saw House. How was he? Foreman: He was... Good. He was honest, took responsibility. It was kind of weird. Cameron: Uh, is Thirteen around? I need her to sign off on her ER transfer. Foreman: She and Taub are doing a spinal stimulation. Cameron: No, they're not. I just dropped a patient in the cath suite, and your guys were not in there. (Cameron leaves, Foreman looks perturbed) [Cut to Taub and Thirteen in the lab. Foreman walks in] Foreman: You know, usually spinal stimulation is done with the patient in the room. Thirteen: He asked us to test his blood for mercury. It's unlikely, but not impossible. Foreman: It’s also not what we agreed on. Thirteen: Testing doesn't hurt. It only takes 20 minutes. I figured it didn't matter. Foreman: I’m thinking I should decide when it matters. Taub: When you're done marking your territory... Test results. Surprise, surprise. Marcus Webly was wrong. Foreman: (taking the results folder from Taub) I'll handle this. [Cut to a quick exterior sht of Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital and then to Dr. Nolan’s office. He is talking to House] Dr. Nolan: You expected not to have mixed feelings? House: I know it's the right call. Just don't know what to do with my time. And my leg – (rubbing his thigh) Pain's flared up since I left Mayfield. Ibuprofen’s barely putting a dent in it. Dr. Nolan: You need a hobby. House: Right. Doctors the world over treat chronic pain with collections of Hummel figurines. Dr. Nolan: No, I didn't say you need a lame hobby. You need something to keep you engaged, connected to other people. House: You already made me get a roommate. Wilson's got one bedroom. I don't think we can get any more connected without unzipping. Dr. Nolan: Okay. So what does Wilson like to do? [Cut to Foreman entering Vince’s hospital room] Foreman: Vince, I’m Dr. Foreman, head of diagnostics. Vince: So you must be the genius' replacement. Foreman: I prefer to think of myself as genius 2.0. Your blood tests ruled out mercury poisoning. Vince: What was my mercury level? Foreman: 2.8. That means for every deciliter of? Vince: I know what it means. I also know it's above normal. I want mercury chelation. Foreman: Your level isn't elevated enough to produce your symptoms. Vince: You can't know that until we de-elevate it and see if my pain improves. It’s a judgment call. Foreman: Based on ten years of medical training? I think you have CRPS. I want to try spinal stimulation. Vince: So, basically, you want to shove a needle in my spine based on a glorified hunch. I'll stick with the chelation. Foreman: If you don't want to get better, I think we're done. Vince: What do you mean "done"? Foreman: You're not interested in my medical opinion. I’ll move on to my next patient. You'll move on to a doctor willing to run all the unnecessary tests and procedures you want. Or you can stick around and be cured. Makes no difference to me. [Cut to Taub and Thirteen performing the spinal stimulation on Vince] Thirteen: I’m glad you changed your mind. Vince: Don’t know about that. Dr. Foreman basically strong-armed me, which is impressive. Taub: Stimulating at 100 hertz. Guess you found him a little more persuasive than two of us – Probably the pants. Vince: He reminds me of me. (groaning) Is it supposed to hurt? Thirteen: Not if we're in correctly. Is it your hands? Your back? Vince: (obviously in pain) No, my chest. Can't breathe. Taub: Heart rate's 140, climbing. Thirteen: You need to hold still. Vince: What did you do? Taub: (placing an oxygen mask over Vince’s mouth) Deep breaths. Thirteen: His lungs are filling with fluid. [Cut to the diagnostics office. Foreman, Taub, and Thirteen are running a new differential] Taub: Analysis of the fluid from Vince’s lungs shows the lung problem is really a heart problem. He's got a thickened left ventricle. Thirteen: When his heart sped up during the procedure, it jacked up the pressure in his lungs, causing pulmonary edema. Foreman: Good thing I talked the patient into spinal stimulation. Thirteen: It did lead us to discovering a new symptom and proved he was wrong about mercury poisoning. Foreman: We lucked into that discovery, and we were wrong about CRPS. Ventricular thickening plus neuropathy could equal Lyme disease. Taub: Not without joint pain. Foreman: When is his new game coming out? Thirteen: Couple months. Foreman: He’s probably working nonstop. Might be using more than coffee to power through. Taub: Cocaine use explains the symptoms. Thirteen: (getting up) So we search his office for drugs. Foreman: No. We're gonna ask him. [Cut to a large industrial kitchen where House and Wilson are taking a cooking class. House is shaping meatballs and Wilson is stirring sauce] Cooking Teacher: In a lot of ways, cooking is like music. Different elements combine to make a symphony. House: Difference is that Beethoven’s 5th isn't gonna be poop tomorrow. Wilson: What was my one condition for allowing you to tag along? House: Try not to be a jerk. I'm trying. I’m just failing. Wilson: Roll your meatballs and keep an open mind. [sht of House with a scheming smirk on his face] Wilson: How hard are you trying not to make a ball joke right now? House: (looking past Wilson) They're smoking. (Wilson looks at him questioningly) Your balls. Wilson: (turning to see his meatballs smoking in the frying pan. He turns off the burner and grabs up the spatula) Ow. No, no. They're browning way too fast. House: Blue is the color you got to watch out for. Wilson: Enough. My God, they're – they're still raw inside. By the time they're cooked through, the outside will be brned. House: I think there's a medicated powder for that. Although, vinegar could work. (looking for vinegar among a collection of bottles on the shelf) My o-chem prof talked about how, theoretically, you shouldn't trust the results of a hemoglobin a1c test on a chronically acidotic patient. The acid in the blood slows the reaction between the hemoglobin protein and blood sugar. Browning meat is the same chemical process, which means, it should also be slowed by acid. (House has poured some vinegar into a cup and is brushing it onto the meatballs in the frying pan) Wilson: That actually makes sense. You might've... saved my balls. House: (smiling) That's the spirit. [Cut to Foreman and Thirteen talking to Vince in his room at PPTH] Foreman: Obviously, the procedure didn't go as planned. The heart problem was unforeseeable, but I still feel responsible. I’m sorry. Vince: Okay. How long you guys been doing it? Thirteen: I think it's best if we kept things professional. Vince: Tough to do now that I’ve seen you rock a leopard-print bikini. Congrats, by the way. (holding up his hand) Up top. [Foreman turns Vince’s laptop around to reveal a beach photo of Foreman and Thirteen] Foreman: You hacked my profile page? Vince: Your treatment nearly gave me a heart attck. Figured I’d check if you had the credentials to go with the cojones. One search led to another. Is there a sht of just her? I’m thinking screen saver. Thirteen: (closing the laptop) We need to know if you've been using cocaine. Vince: Nope. Dude, you just block everybody, or do you really only have three friends? Foreman: We need you to be straight with us. We need to be able to trust you. Vince: I cleaned up my act 12 years ago... After my college roommate ODed. Foreman: Okay. [Cut to Foreman and Thirteen exiting Vince’s room. They talk as they walk toward the elevator] Foreman: Search his office. Thirteen: You think he was lying? Foreman: No, but I’m not sure. Thirteen: It was worth asking. If he'd had said yes, it would've saved us a trip. Foreman: But he didn't. Thirteen: You have to forget about him. Foreman: The patient? Thirteen: House. First, you try acting like him. That doesn't work. So then you try the opposite. Now you're mad because you have to use his move. Foreman: I feel like Tom Brady’s backup. Thirteen: Tom Brady’s backup now makes 10 million dollars. Stop comparing. You can do this by being you. Foreman: We should still check out his office, talk to his coworkers. [They stop by the elevator. Foreman pushes the elevator button and Thirteen heads off to find Taub] Thirteen: I'll get Taub. Foreman: And... Thanks. Oh, and dinner tonight at 7:00. Thirteen: Can we make it 8:00? Foreman: Already made a reservation for 7:00. [Cut to House answering the door of Wilson’s apartment. Cuddy is standing there] Cuddy: Hi. House: (gesturing for Cuddy to follow and heading toward the kitchen) I’m making gnocchi. [A middle aged Chinese woman is working in the kitchen] Cuddy: (seeing the woman) Oh, I didn't mean to intrude, I just… House: Cecile’s in my cooking class. She doesn't speak English. Cecile: (in Chinese) WHO'S THE BROAD? House: (in Chinese) MISSIONARY House: (rolling some pastry on a board) You bake the potatoes instead of boiling them, it's less moisture, fewer gluten bonds, lighter gnocchi. Cuddy: You seem good. House: Feeling better. Cecile: (in Chinese) IF SHE'S A MISSIONARY, WHY DOES SHE DRESS LIKE A HOOKER? House: (in Chinese) I MEANT THE POSITION. Cuddy: House, I need to talk to you about your leaving the hospital. House: I do love a good groveling, but my decision is final. Cuddy: That’s fine, as long as I’m not the reason for it. I know that sounds completely narcissistic, but = House: Yeah. But it's not. We flirted. We kissed. I fondled. I hallucinated a night with you and yelled it from a hospital balcony. You're not a narcissist. Cuddy: So what am I? House: Not the reason I’m leaving. Cuddy: House... I'm gonna miss you. Cecile: (in English) Lady, either kiss him or leave. We got work to do. House: (to Cecile) You just couldn't keep your trap shut. Cecile: Make the damn gnocchi. Cuddy: Bye. [Cut to the video game virtual world. Taub and Thirteen are playing. Thirteen’s avatar is the chimp-like character and Taub’s is the large ugly lizard creature. They are talking as they sht at critters in the virtual world. The camera moves back and forth between Taub and Thirteen wearing the game helmets and their avatars in the video game] Taub: I guess you're not in a hurry to get back to the office. Thirteen: And you are? Taub: I'm not trying to avoid my boyfriend. I'm a lizard, not an idiot. You've been in a crappy mood since we got in the car. Thirteen: And you're completely okay with being ordered around by someone who 24 hours ago was basically your equal? Taub: Unlike you, I didn't expect anything different. Thirteen: The work part, I can get used to. He didn't ask me to go to dinner. He told me we were going. He's never done that before. Taub: So even the score. Go home tonight, put on some heels, and break him like a pony. You'll feel much better. (Both Thirteen and her avatar give him a look) What? Taub: (paying more attention to the game now) Wow, that's one big-ass bird. [In the virtual world a huge prehistoric bird has appeared outside a large window of the building. The avatars start shting at the bird, which just disturbs all the bats and they are quickly overwhelmed by the attacking bats.] Thirteen: (fascinated by the bats) It's kind of amazing. The way the wings move, it's so real. [Thirteen’s avatar is ignoring the attacking bats, but Taub’s avatar (and Taub himself in the game room) has collapsed to the floor, trying to fend them off with his arms and legs] Taub: Get them off me! Thirteen: I know what's wrong with the patient. I'm going to call Foreman. [Thirteen steps off the game pad leaving Taub still flailing on the floor] Taub: Little help. [Cut to Taub and Thirteen talking to Vince in his room] Taub: Your partner said you studied birds to improve the game animation. Did you touch them? Vince: Can't dissect without touching. It's the best way to understand the anatomy. Thirteen: It's also a good way to contract an infection called psittacosis. We spoke to Dr. Foreman. He wants to start you on antibiotics. Vince: Does that infection cause problems in the... joystick area? I’m kind of stuck in play mode. Taub: Yes, we get it. She’s very, very pretty. Vince: It's not her. I mean, it was... When she was here with her boyfriend three hours ago. Thirteen: You've had an erection for three hours? Vince: At first, it was just embarrassing, but now it's really starting to hurt. Will the antibiotics help? Thirteen: I'm afraid not. This isn't psittacosis. [Cut to a quick exterior sht of PPTH in the early evening and then to the diagnostics office] Taub: His erection persisted even with medication. We had to put in a surgical shunt just to drain the blood. Foreman: (to Thirteen) You missed dinner. And a shunt doesn't require both of you. Thirteen: I'm dedicated. So the Holy Trinity: heart, hands, hose. Taub: Could be Guillain Barre. Foreman: Not with normal nerve conduction. Thrombocytosis. Thirteen: His platelet count isn't that high. Brain tumor makes more sense. Taub: (laughing) I'm sorry. I just realized... Joint pain and joint pain. Honest, I wasn't laughing because of the obvious tension between the two of you. Erection points to a circulatory problem. I'm with Foreman. Thirteen: It is possible for a brain tumor to cause – Foreman: We're going with thrombocytosis. Thirteen: Okay. [Cut to Foreman and Thirteen stepping off the elevator. They talk as they walk down the hall] Foreman: You're mad I didn't ask you to dinner? How long have we been dating? Thirteen: It felt like an order. Your tone of voice was— Foreman: My tone? I'm under a little pressure right now. How about giving me a break? Thirteen: Look, this is tough for both of us, except I haven't just gotten a promotion. Foreman: So now you're jealous. Thirteen: No. I’m just saying don't complain about the burdens of command to your employees. Foreman: I was complaining to my girlfriend. (They stop outside of Vince’s room. Two men are in the room with him) Who are those guys? Thirteen: I have no idea. [Foreman and Thirteen enter the room] Vince: Meet the competition. Dr. Paulson: Steve Paulson. Neurology, St. Mark's. Nice to meet you. Foreman: You called another doctor? Vince: Lots of other doctors. Posted my symptoms on the internet. You guys are 0 for 2. I thought I’d look for some backup. Dr. Felker: I can cure all your symptoms with my papaya toxin cleanse. Month's supply, $395. Vince: Okay, that guy's an idiot. That doesn't mean they all are. Foreman: Neither one of you have privileges at this hospital. Please leave... Now. [Dr. Felker picks up his briefcase and leaves the room, Dr. Paulson stays] Dr. Paulson: Ah, Dr. Foreman, sorry for the intrusion, but, um, I noticed you haven't done a head MRI yet. Foreman: 'Cause he doesn't need one. Dr. Paulson: I'm pretty sure he's got a brain tumor. Foreman: We considered that and concluded thrombocytosis is more likely. I'm starting him on hydroxyurea. Dr. Paulson: His platelets don't seem anywhere near high enough. If you took an image, I’m sure you'll – Foreman: There are no signs of increased ICP. I’m not delaying treatment. Vince: Looks like we need a tiebreaker. Dr. Hadley, what do you think? Thirteen: I think both theories have merit. Vince: So, brain tumor, otherwise you'd back your boss/boyfriend. I want an MRI. Foreman: Fine. I’ll set it up. [Cut to Wilson’s kitchen. House is stirring something in a pot. Wilson ambles in, hair mussed and wearing pajamas] House: Great. You're up. I need a taster. Ragout with pork sausage, beef thigh, no cream. (He holds a wooden spoonful of ragout in front of Wilson) Wilson: It's a little early. (He hesitates, then tastes the ragout, and gives a positive nod) Did you even go to bed last night? House: Bed is for sissies, unless you're having sex, in which case... No, bed is still for sissies. Wilson: Doesn't this seem a little bit obsessive? House: (stirring again) Should've been here when I was butchering the ox. What do you expect? I’m an addict. I turn everything up to eleven. Wilson: Yeah. I thought you were trying to tone that down. House: No. I was trying to find something I could set at eleven without blwing out my eardrums. (pulling a wooden spoon out of another pot) Star anise with caramelized onions. The sulfur compounds bring out the meat flavor. (He gives the spoon to Wilson) I couldn't sleep because of my leg. It was either make ragout or go out on the street looking to score. Wilson: (taking a taste from the spoon) Good choice. So, so good. (House grins and Wilson takes another taste) [Cut to the MRI suite. Foreman is in the control room watching the monitor. Thirteen walks in] Thirteen: He asked me a question. I answered. Foreman: You told me to make my own decisions. I do, and you sab me in the back. Thirteen: I didn't even say what I really thought. I hedged, and I don't like that I hedged. If I have a legitimate opinion – Foreman: Express it in private. In public, the team opinion is your opinion. Thirteen: Except the team opinion is your opinion. Foreman: That's my job. Thirteen: And what's mine, to lie when I’m asked a direct question? Foreman: You would've done it for House. Maybe you just don't want me to succeed. Maybe you just want to kick me again for not asking you to dinner. Thirteen: At least when House was being an unbelievable jerk, I could talk to my boyfriend about it. Foreman: I may be a jerk, but you're wrong. MRI is clean. Treat for thrombocytosis. (He leaves the control room) [Cut to House opening Wilson’s apartment door to Thirteen] House: You're early. (He turns and heads for the kitchen. He is wearing a bib apron) Thirteen: (following House to the kitchen) For what? House: I knew you'd show up here complaining about Foreman. Thought you'd hold out for another week at least. Thirteen: I showed up to ask if you've seen thrombocytosis with a platelet count under – House: I went crazy, not stupid. I leave, Foreman embraces his inner mugabe. [House is at the stove. He uses a strainer to pull a small, round, yellow object out of a pot of water] Thirteen: What's that? House: Embryonali – unhatched chicken egg. (He drops the egg into his hand and passes it from one hand to the other until it is cool enough to hold) I'm gonna suck out some of the yolk and replace it with ragout. By the way, you can tell the other lepers that their absence has been noted. Thirteen: Cameron didn't come by? [House uses a syringe to suck the yolk out of the egg] House: Daddy's little co-dependent is all grown up. Making room for daddy's hot bisexual with boyfriend problems. Thirteen: It's not a problem. It’s, um... Okay. It’s a problem. I mean, I get it, the patient's a nightmare. He posted his case online. It – you know Foreman. You know the situation. How can I get him to tone it down? [House is now using another syringe to inject ragout into the egg] House: Stop being a coward for one thing. Thirteen: He's the one who's afraid of failure. House: At a job that no one before me has ever done. His fears are justified. You're just afraid of giving him control over you, which might work at home. It makes it almost impossible for him to do his job. Pass me those crackers. Thirteen: (bring a tray of crackers over to House) You're saying this is all my fault? House: I'm saying... That you would be happier if you learned when it's okay to give in. (He looks up to find Thirteen staring at him in wonderment) What? Thirteen: You just suggested that I give in so that I can be happy. What did they do to you in there? [House has put the finished egg on a crcker. He hands it to Thirteen] House: Taste this. [Thirteen puts the crcker in her mouth and chews slowly] Thirteen: Um, good. This might be the best thing I’ve ever eaten. And, yes, I’m including what you're thinking of now. You are an amazing cook! House: I know. And yet, my leg hurts. (He rubs his thigh and leans against the kitchen island) [Cut to Chase and Foreman walking toward the elevator] Chase: fre her. Foreman: I’m not gonna fre her. Chase: Then stop being such a wuss. Foreman: I'm not being a wuss. Chaes: Challenging you is part of her job. But when she does it, you take it personally. Foreman: So you're saying this is my fault? [They step into the elevator] Chase: I was trying to bury it a little, but, yeah. You’ve got to eliminate either the challenge or the reaction. Foreman: Or, we could stick with my original plan. We get drunk and talk about how girls are lame. Chase: Yeah. This problem will go away on its own. [Cut to House sitting on Wilson’s couch watching TV. He is eating ice cream. Wilson comes into the room, dressed for work] Wilson: It's 8:00 in the morning. House: Coffee ice cream. Wilson: No frittata? No bmb? House: Started thinking about what you said, about me obsessing. Started obsessing about obsessing. Decided to take a day off. Wilson: You were enjoying cooking. House: How like a man to think that I enjoy slaving over a hot stove all day while you're off banging secretaries. Wilson: You said it was keeping your mind off the pain. House: That was before I discovered the biggest loser marathon on cable. I like to pretend they can see me eating. Wilson: And your leg? House: It's fine. [Cut to Dr. Nolan’s office at Mayfield Hospital] House: My leg's klling me. Cooking helped for a while. I guess I got bored. My leg started hurting again, then I got worried, and that made the pain worse. Nolan: What are you worried about? House: That nothing's gonna help. That I end up in the very dark place. I'm fine... Just not happy. Dr.Nolan: I didn't let you out because you were happy. I let you out, because I believe you had the skills to cope with that. You tried one thing. It didn't work. So move on. Write. Play chess. House: What if nothing works? What if nothing gives me more than a few days before my brain starts looking for the next fix, before my leg feels like someone's shoving nails into it? What do I do then? Dr. Nolan: If nothing in the world can hold your interest, uh, we'll deal with that when we get to it. But you have to trust me, and you have to be patient. [Cut to Thirteen answering her door to find Foreman standing there. He holds up a white bakery bag] Foreman: I brought you a doughnut. The florist was closed. Thirteen: I'll get a vase and put it in water. (She takes the bag from him. He follows her into the room) Foreman: You know I’m sorry, right? Thirteen: I'm sorry too. Do you think, um... We could start over? Foreman: That's a fantastic idea. [They kiss and Foreman starts unbuttoning Thirteen’s blouse] Thirteen: We're gonna be late. Foreman: Your boss won't mind. [Thirteen laughs and pulls her top over her head just as Foreman’s pager goes off] Foreman: (pulling his pager out of his pocket) No way. [Cut to Foreman and Thirteen walking toward Vince’s room. Taub is already there] Taub: His lymph nodes blew up. He's been treated for thrombocytosis, but there's been no change. Foreman: I was wrong. [Vince’s face is swollen] Vince: God, you are a genius. I’m adding this to my list of symptoms. Foreman: That didn't work last time. Vince: Because I didn't think big enough. (typing on his laptop keyboard) Now I am offering a $25,000 reward. [Cut to House entering his own apartment. He looks around and then flips the light switch, but the lights do not come on. He opens his closet door and takes a shoe out of a canvas shoe organizer hanging on the door. He shakes a bottle of Vicodin from the shoe into his hand and stands there just looking at it. He closes his fist around the bottle] [Cut to the diagnostics office where the phone is ringing and the fax machine is shting out paper] Thirteen: Steroids reduced his facial swelling. [Foreman picks up the numerous faxes off the floor and Thirteen picks up the phone without answering and puts it down again] Taub: Swollen lymph nodes rule out thrombocytosis. (looking at his cell phone) How did so many people get my personal email? Foreman: The Internet is a magical place. Lymph enlargement makes me think polyarteritis— [The phone is ringing again. Thirteen pulls the cord from the back of the phone] Thirteen: You were saying? Foreman: No point in treating the symptom and not the disease. [Cut to Foreman slamming the stack of faxes down on Vince’s hospital tray table] Foreman: Your stunt generated quite a few responses. Let's take a look. Vince: I'm way ahead of you. Foreman: Paraneoplastic syndrome secondary to spinal tumor. Taub: No. No hypercalcemia, no muscle spasms or incontinence. Foreman: You are possessed by the biblical demon "legion." Thirteen: No, no jumping off a cliff in a herd of pigs. Foreman: Otherwise it did fit. Graves' disease. Thirteen: Nope. Thyroid levels are normal. Foreman: You want us to spend the next few days shting down every theory in the world, or can we do our jobs and come up with one that works? Vince: I want you to test me for amyloidosis. Foreman: That your professional opinion? Vince: It's the wisdom of crowds. Studies show the collective decision of a group can be more accurate than any individual's decision. I went through my emails. Amyloidosis got the most votes. Foreman: If you had amyloidosis, there'd be speckling on your cardiac ultrasound. Vince: In 100% of cases? Foreman: Fine. I'll make you a deal. We'll do a kidney biopsy to test for amyloidosis. When it comes back negative, you pull your case off of the internet and retract the reward. It's either that, or I don't test you at all. Vince: Deal. [Cut to Wilson entering his apartment. House has a laundry basket sitting on the table. His is folding laundry] House: If you wanted a quickie, you should've called ahead. I'm a mess. Wilson: Came home for lunch. House: You have lunch with Cuddy on Tuesdays. Wilson: She was busy. [Wilson takes something out of the refrigerator for lunch] House: And you are checking up on me. Wilson: You know, you can talk to me. Is that my laundry? House: You were running out of socks for me to borrow. we got plenty of underwear, though. I'm fine. Wilson: You said that this morning. House: And consistency proves what? Really. I’m good. I’ll put these in your room. [He picks up the full basket of folded laundry and limps off down the hall singing as he goes] House: ♪You always hurt♪ ♪ The one you love♪ [Wilson watches him suspiciously and notices House’s cane propped against the back of a chair] [Cut to Taub entering House’s office. Foreman is sitting behind the desk] Taub: Biopsy showed deposits in the renal endothelium consistent with amyloidosis. Foreman: The internet was right. Start him on dexamethasone. Taub: Already done. This may not be the best time for this... But I quit. I got an offer to join a friend's surgical practice. Foreman: You don't generally get an offer unless you're looking for one. Taub: I put out some feelers when I found out House wasn't coming back. Foreman: I lobbied to keep the department open so you could keep your job. Taub: Yes. That was incredibly altruistic of you. It's nothing personal. Actually, I think you're doing pretty well. But I came here to work with House. [Cut to Foreman and Thirteen lying on Thirteen’s bed] Thirteen: He's a jerk. We'll be fine without him. Do you know how many resumes we get every day without even asking? Foreman: Might be a few less after Cuddy shuts us down. Thirteen: The case got solved under your watch. Does it really matter how it happened? Foreman: It matters. What if I’m just not ready for this job? Thirteen: Okay, you're sad. I could tell you the story about me and my roommate at Sarah Lawrence. Foreman: Okay. Thirteen: Her name was Lindsey, and she was a cheerleader from Iowa. [Cut to Wilson entering Cuddy’s office] Wilson: I broke my toilet this morning. Cuddy: I'll get my tools. Wilson: I blocked the intake valve so I could collect some of House's urine. Cuddy, he was barely limping. Cuddy: What did the lab say? Wilson: The urine was clean for Vicodin. It did, however, contain strange epithelial cells. Further analysis showed they were from a Labrador Retriever. Cuddy: Damn. He's using. [Cut to Thirteen walking toward Vince’s room. The bed is empty. She looks in the bathroom, which is also empty] [Cut to the main lobby of PPTH. Vince comes tearing out of the stairwell, wearing his hospital gown and looking terrified. He stops in the middle of the lobby. He is hallucinating. From his view, the hospital lobby changes into the virtual world of one of his video games and it is populated by monsters. He thinks that he sees giant bats attacking him and he tries to fend them off] [Dr. Foreman appears, but to Vince he looks like a monster is a space suit. Vince turns, looking for help and sees what he believes to be an alien creature carrying a case of grenade-like wapon. In reality it is just a hospital visitor carrying a box containing four coffee cups. Vince grabs one of the cups and hurls it at Foreman. The coffee splatters all over Foreman, but what Vince sees is the monster in the space suit catching on fre] [Vince runs from Foreman toward the elevator. The elevator door opens to reveal another monster, female this time. It is really Thirteen] Vince: No. no. [He turns away from Thirteen and runs right into Foreman who tries to calm him down. Thirteen tries to help. Foreman: Vince. Vince. Vince, relax. It's Dr. Foreman. [Vince’s hallucination seems to fade as the monsters turn back into Foreman and Thirteen and the hospital lobby is a lobby again. Than he looks up to see the giant prehistoric bird from his video game crash through the front of the hospital. Vince is panicking now and is down on the floor] Vince: kll it! kll it! No! No! I don't have my blaster! [Vince sees the giant bird up close as it opens its mouth and screeches at him. Foreman feels his neck] Foreman: He's hallucinating 'cause he's burning up. Amyloidosis wouldn’t do this. [Cut to a very cowed Vince shivering in a tub of water. Foreman and Thirteen are standing outside the room with the tub] Thirteen: The antipyretics didn't work. Hopefully the cold tub will get his temp down. Maybe we should see if anyone's sent in other ideas. Maybe the reward money attract – Foreman: No. I’m not letting anyone else jerk us around. The masses were wrong about amyloidosis. They don't know about the fever. I'm going with light-chain deposition disorder. You okay with that? Thirteen: Yes. [Foreman goes in to talk to Vince] Foreman: We think you have a disease called LCDD. It causes protein to build up in your organs. Vince: You think? Foreman: We can't definitely confirm the diagnosis. And our only chance of beating this would be to start you on high-dose chemotherapy. But I do have to warn you that in your condition, it might kll you. Do you want me to get you some more information? Vince: You're my doctor. I trust you. Foreman: No, you don't. You're scared, and you don't want to make this decision. My career is riding on this case... Nowhere near as important as your life. But I think the best sht for both of us is to treat for LCDD. Vince: (looking shaken and scared) Okay. Foreman: All right, let's get you out of this tub and into chemo. (He helps Vince out of the tub) [Cut to a close-up of House taking a sip of coffee from a handmade ceramic mug] Wilson: We know you're back on Vicodin. [House puts the cup down on the table. He is sitting on the couch at Wilson’s apartment. Cuddy and Wilson have come to talk to him] House: No. The only thing you know is that I’m a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don't know how I did it or, more interestingly, where I peed. Cuddy: House, you've spent the last three months – House: Et tu, Butte? You got no reason to be here. He's the one I was jerking around. Wilson: Why is your leg better? House: Ow. It hurts. Please go away now. If you really think I’m using, how about asking me before taking a wrench to your plumbing? Cuddy: House, you're an addict. You can't be surprised if we can't take you at your word. House: Fine. Let’s get you some proof. Hide your eyes, ladies. [House picks up the coffee cup, dumps the coffee in a plant, turns around and unzips] Cuddy: House. House: (looking at Cuddy) You too. [Cuddy puts a hand up in front of her face. Wilson looks embarrassed] Wilson: My godson made me that mug. House: If the lab says that this is retriever too, please let me know right away. It'd explain my overwhelming desire to wipe my butt on your carpet. [House zips-up, puts the cup full of urine down on the coffee table, and leaves the room. Wilson shakes his head unbelievingly] Cuddy: (to Wilson) Thank you for dragging me into this. [Cut to the doctor’s locker room. Foreman has just stepped out of the shower. He opens his locker, takes a deodorant bottle off of the shelf and seeing his fingers, which are all wrinkly from the water, has a medical “Ah Ha” moment. He puts the deodorant back and slams the locker shut] [Cut to Thirteen disconnecting the chemo drugs from Vince’s IV line. Foreman comes in] Foreman: Stop the chemo. He's got Fabry's disease. He was in the tub for an hour. His fingers should have pruned, but they didn't. Thirteen: Already stopped chemo and confirmed Fabry’s. Vince: I’m glad you both agree, but could somebody loop me in here? Thirteen: We assumed the deposits in your kidneys were proteins, but they were fats. Fabry’s makes them build up in your organs, choke your nerves, keep your fingers from pruning in water. It's chronic but manageable. Foreman: (to Thirteen) How'd you figure it out? [Foreman and Thirteen step away from the bed to talk privately] Thirteen: Iodine mumps. His lymph nodes swelled up after the head CT. We thought it was a new symptom, but it wasn't. It was a reaction to the contrast. Iodine mumps takes lymph nodes off the table. Remove that symptom... Foreman: And that just came to you? Thirteen: I looked through the online responses again. Someone posted it this morning. [Cut to a quick nighttime sht of PPTH and than to Foreman sitting behind the desk in House’s office. Thirteen walks in] Thirteen: Heard Cuddy made it official. Department’s yours. Congrats. I'm sorry. I went behind your back. On a scale of 1 to 10, how mad are you? Foreman: A 7. And that's stupid. You did the right thing. It's my fault you thought you had to go behind my back. Thirteen: I should've stood up to you. Foreman: But you didn't 'cause you didn't want to fight again. Thirteen: (sitting down in front of the desk) It's our first case. It’ll take time to adjust. Foreman: What if by the time we get adjusted, we don't like each other anymore? Thirteen: That's not gonna happen. Foreman: You sure? 'Cause ever since I took this job, we've been making each other miserable. I really don't think this is gonna work. Thirteen: You're breaking up with me? Foreman: No. The other night when I thought I was done, you were there. I need you. I don't want to lose you. Thirteen: Why are you...? You're fring me. Foreman: Sorry. [Cut to Dr. Nolan’s office at Mayfield Hospital] House: I slipped. Dr. Nolan: You took Vicodin? [House hands a check made out to himself to Nolan] Dr. Nolan: (looking at the check) $25,000. House: I solved my old team's case. I was about to take the pills. I went online. I found people posting medical problems, and... My leg stopped hurting. Dr. Nolan: Oh. House: Oh? I'm supposed to be changing my life. This is not a change. Dr. Nolan: Well, maybe I was wrong. House: Says the guy making sand castles in my brain. Dr. Nolan: We need to keep you from using. Taking your job away, the medical puzzles, nearly drove you back to it. Maybe diagnostic medicine is the key to keeping you clean. House: So you're okay with me going online, solving cases? Dr. Nolan: No. You can't sit all day in a room by yourself. Isolation fosters depression. House: The hospital is part of my old life. If I go back, I might become... who I was before, pills and all. Dr. Nolan: That's a possibility. But could be... the only thing worse for you than going back to diagnostic medicine is, not going back. House: Guess we're gonna find out. THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x03 - Epic Fail"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on two men in the back seat of a car. They are Dibala, the president of xxx and Joseph Ntila, one of his aides. It is raining outside] Joseph: We will anger the Americans, slipping out like this. Dibala: If your son was a student at one of the greatest universities in the world... Joseph: So make him come to you. You're protected near the UN. Once we cross 42nd Street... Dibala: As always, I appreciate your caution, Joseph, but, as always, you have far too much of it. [The car crosses a bridge. Dibala looks out the window at the rain-soaked scenery. As the car turns a corner, a black van pulls up in front of it and stops, blocking their way. Another van pulls up behind them. Dibala, Joseph and the driver look around and realize they are trapped. The doors to the van in front of them slide open and a man steps out.] Joseph: Stay down, sir. [He gets out of the car with his gn drawn. He quickly checks in all directions and then points his gn on the man from the van who is pulling something from his sweatshirt.] Get on the ground. Get on the ground. [The man pulls out a clear plastic envelope with a paper inside. It says “Civil Subpoena.”] Process Server: I'm just serving process. Your boss is being sued under title 18 of the United States code, section 1350, for genocide, crimes against humanity, and trture. [He puts the envelope on the car and backs up. By this time Dibala is out of the car. He slams his door and advances on the process server who backs into the van. As the van door slams, it drives away. Joseph reaches for the subpoena but Dibala grabs it from him.] Joseph: Mr. President. This is only a civil lawsuit. We can ignore it. [Dibala gags, mouth closed, a couple of times. He then violently throws up.] Mr. President. [The envelope is covered with the blood Dibala threw up. It begins to wash away in the rain.] [Opening credits] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s there with Foreman, Chase and Cameron. The later two are wearing scrubs.] Chase: You want us to work for Foreman? Cuddy: Not permanently. He is setting up interviews to replace Taub and Thirteen, but it might take a couple of weeks. Chase: Well, what happened to them? [Cuddy gestures that she’s turning the conversation over to Foreman and she goes behind her desk.] Foreman: He quit, and I had to let her go. [Cameron looks up.] Chase: [incredulous] You actually fired your girlfriend? Foreman: Yes. You two are both competent, and I know I can work with you. Chase: You really do know how to woo. Foreman: I need you. Chase: [to Cameron] It would be interesting. We could work together. Cameron: Did you see who the patient is? Chase: That's one of the reasons it'll be interesting. Cameron: Dibala is one of the most repressive dictators in the world. Foreman: You had no problem treating a guy on death row. Cameron: Who was still in prison after we patched him up. We fix Dibala, he gets on a plane and executes half his country. He's been repressing an ethnic rebellion in the south, the Sitibi people. [She looks back and forth between the two men.] It's getting worse. Cuddy: Dibala is a guest of the US government. And he's been invited to speak at the UN. I’m not asking you to love him. I'm asking you to do your job. [Cameron looks imploringly at Chase.] [Cut to a hallway. Chase is reading the chart as he walks next to Foreman. Cameron is right behind them.] Chase: Utterly incomprehensible. And, of course, I’m talking about you fring your girlfriend. Foreman: We weren't getting along with her working under me. Cameron: This'll help. Chase: Cameron and I work together. Foreman: But you weren't her boss. And you’ve stopped working together. Chase: Why don't you just tell her you were wrong? Foreman: 'Cause I wasn't. I know how this looks. I know it might break us up. But that's better than definitely breaking us up, which is what would have happened otherwise. [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room as they enter.] Foreman: Hemorrhagic ulcers in the lungs. [They stop. House is at the end of the table, reading a chart. He looks up.] House: Oh, my God, it's three years ago. Does that mean I’m still crazy? Foreman: You're back? Cameron: You look good. Chase: We're just helping out because – House: I know. I just ran into Thirteen while she was clearing out her locker. My condolences. Although it's not like she's the hottest woman in the world. Foreman: [forcefully] We haven't broken up. Are you back? House: Sort of. Foreman: Did you get your license back? House: Not for a month or so. So you'll be in charge. I'm just gonna pitch in a little. Chase: [sitting] Dibala thinks it was an assassination attempt. Polonium, like the Russian guy in London. Foreman: FBI checked the service of process forms and his hotel room. No radioactivity trails. Cameron: [sitting] Acid reflux? Chase: No history of asthma or heartburn. Foreman: He has a bug bite on his hands. Malaria's endemic in his country. Let's start him on coartem. [House clears his throat theatrically. Foreman stops on his way to the door and turns around.] House: I don't want to step on any toes, but I guess I do have a higher duty to the patient. Foreman: If you have something to say, say it. House: You're rushing to a diagnosis because you're rushing out of this room because you're rightly upset with me. Although I wasn't the one who made that asinine decision to – Foreman: Do you have anything medical to say? House: Poison fits better because of the vomiting. Bug bite might not be a bite. It might be the start of chloracne. Chase: Assassination attempt through dioxin poisoning. It's hard to detect. Fits. [Everyone, including House, looks at Foreman.] Foreman: Start him on olestra. [Chase and Cameron leave.] You couldn't have just said dioxin up front? House: I was hoping you'd get there on your own. [Foreman glares at him.] So I guess we should talk to Cuddy. [Cut to Dibala’s room. Cameron is adjusting his IV. Chase is fussing with the monitors.] Dibala: You are sure it is dioxin? Cameron: No. Chase: It's our best guess. The olestra here binds to the poison, flushes it out of your system. Dibala: Where are you from, doctor? Chase: I'm Australian. Dibala: Do I hear a bit of the British? Chase: Most people don't notice it. Yeah, I-I kicked around there for a while. [Cameron is watching the conversation with her arms folded.] Dibala: You went to medical school there? Chase: Actually a year of seminary. Dibala: And you left. Hmm, hmm. There was a Catholic mission near my childhood village. I liked the priests. They were good people. But when my two younger sisters were dying from consumption, it wasn't more priests we wanted. [Chase smiles slightly. Cameron rolls her eyes.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. House and Foreman are seated in front of her desk.] Foreman: I fired my girlfriend because he said he was gone for good. House: I need this in my life. Cuddy: A week ago, it was the last thing you needed. Houes: It's a process. I'm learning. Foreman: And screwing me over as you go. House: Yeah, that's why I did it. [He looks at Foreman.] Sorry. If you want, I’ll explain it to Thirteen. Foreman: He's not ready. He doesn't have his license. Cuddy: Then he can't practice. But we'd be idiots not to listen to him. You're in charge, he sits in on all the differentials. Until you get your license back, this is all unofficial. No procedures, no patient contact. House: Think I can probably deal with that last one. [There’s a knock on a door. Cut to Thirteen opening the door to her apartment. Foreman is there.] Foreman: The only reason I let you go is because our relationship wouldn't work if I was in charge. But I won't be in charge soon, so... I came to offer you your old job back. I know. I look bad. But circumstances have changed. Thirteen: I don't want the job. Foreman: Why not? Thirteen: Because there's a much simpler explanation for you fring me. You wanted to break up with me, but you were too weak to do it yourself. Foreman: Then why would I try to hire you back? Can we please get some dinner tonight? Thirteen: I'm sorry. [She closes the door.] [Cut to Chase entering an exam room in the clinic. He’s reading the chart and looks puzzled.] Chase: Uh, you're a follow-up? Ruwe: You must not treat him. [Chase starts to leave.] Dibala klled my wife. She was a trade unionist. [He takes a picture from his wallet and shows it to Chase.] They took her from our home while I was at work. Chase: Who took her? Ruwe: Dibala's Youth Labor League. He pretends it's to get young people off the street. But he takes teenage boys from the provinces and feeds them drugs and alcohol and teaches them how to trture. They dumped her body in my yard two weeks later. They rped her. They carved inyenzi, cockroach, onto her stomach because she's Sitibi. Chase: I'm very sorry, but I can't discuss other patients. You should talk to a lawyer, talk to the UN... Ruwe: So they can sit and watch, like they did in Rwanda? There are 2 million Sitibi. He's planning to mssacre them all. His radio stations are talking about a final wr to exterminate the cockroaches. He can't recover. Chase: I'm sorry. [He leaves.] [Cut to Wilson’s apartment. He’s on the couch, eating. The TV is on, quietly. He doesn’t turn around when House comes in.] Wilson: How was your first day of school? House: Didn't pee once in the sandbox. Wilson: How was it with Cuddy? House: What did you think I was talking about? Hmmm. You didn't use garlic. You didn't use it last night either. We always use garlic on Chicken Florentine. Wilson: It tastes fine this way. House: You seem to be losing your sense of smell. Wilson: I think you're losing your sense of mind. House: I can check right now if you pull my finger. [He picks up the TV remote.] Wilson: No, it's the – [He bats House’s hand down before he can change the TV settings then grabs the remote.] Are you inventing some big medical mystery here? Because if you're imagining things again... House: You weren't wearing shoes last night either. Wilson: Yes, shoes, garlic – I am vampire, Sookie. [House bangs his cane on the floor four times. A moment later there are four metallic-sounding thumps in return.] House: I told you to get that echo fixed. Wilson: My downstairs neighbor, after you moved in, started complaining about the extra noise and the cooking smells. House: What's his name? Wilson: I don't want you making things worse. He's on the condo board, and I’m trying to get the back garden renovated. House: The white coats taught me a whole bunch of fun coping and relating skills. Wilson: He's not only a total jerk. He's a decorated wr hero who lost an arm in Vietnam. I mean, there's no winning with this guy. House: Coping skill number one… Complete avoidance. [His cell phone rings.] You happy? [answering phone] Booty call? Give me 20 minutes to not shower. Cameron: [in Dibala’s room] Patient's having a heart attck. Chase: Mask at 15 liters. Cameron: Just thought you'd like to know. Chase: [to nurse] Streptokinase, heparin. [There are a bunch of serious-looking men in the room, watching them.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House sticks his head in. The others are already there.] House: Lassa fever. You were mad that I withheld it last time, so I’m saying it right up front. He's already sab, so 40 CCs of ribavirin, and we're home in time for Ellen. Foreman: I checked. There's no Lassa in Dibala's country. House: Oh. Foreman: The rash is gone. It rules out your dioxin theory. He's running a slight fever, which we can add to the heart, plus the lung ulcers. [House raises his left arm very high – like a second grader trying to get the teacher’s attention.] Chase: Ebola? Marburg? Cameron: Too long an incubation period. And… [She points at House.] Foreman: [to House] Yes? House: Don't people sometimes travel? To places that have, you know, a fever that originated in the Nigerian town of Lassa? Foreman: He's been to three other countries in the last two years: here, Zimbabwe, and Sharm El-Sheikh, Egypt. No Lassa there either. House: Oh. [pause] Again. Chase: Trypanosomiasis? Foreman: No sleep disturbances. But fits best with the symptoms. [House’s hand is raised again and he’s making an urgent face like the second grader needs to go to the bathroom.] And it's geographically the most – [to House] What? House: The Egypt visit was for the African Union Meeting, Where I’m guessing he was [miming quotation marks] meeting people from [more quotation marks] Africa. Which includes Liberia, which sent some members of their Foreign Ministry, which has itself just been ht by an outbreak of jock itch. No, wait. Not jock itch. Lassa fever. Foreman: I'll start the ribavirin. [He gets up to leave.] House: I did say it up front. It's great to have the old team back together again, huh? [Chase “salutes” him with his coffee mug. Foreman leaves.] [Cut to Dibala’s room.] Joseph: Yesterday, it's poisoning. Today, Lassa fever. Maybe a specialist – Dibala: Joseph! Leave him alone. These people know what they are doing. Are you married, doctor? Foreman: No. Dibala: You have a girlfriend. Foreman: Yes. Dibala: Judging by your tentative answer and the complicated expression on her face, I believe that is she, standing in the hallway. [Thirteen half waves from the nurses’ station.] [Cut to nurses’ station.] Thirteen: I got a call from Douglas' department at Princeton General. They want me to interview with them. Which is weird, because when I called last week, they said they had nothing available. So I never sent in my resume. Foreman: Douglas owes me a favor. Thirteen: Most people send chocolates. Foreman: I'd stand outside your apartment all night holding up a boom box, except you told me you hate '80s music. [She smiles. There’s a long pause while she thinks.] Thirteen: So... about dinner, I'm free tomorrow night. [Cut to Murphy standing in the lobby of Wilson’s apartment building. House unlocks the front door and enters. He sees that Murphy has his mail in his left hand and a metal prosthesis where his right hand was. House makes a wide circle around him and inspects the wall on his way to the mailboxes. As he turns back, Murphy is right there. House starts.] Murphy: I was wondering what that noise was. It's the damn cane. House: And I’m Greg. Murphy: And I can't sleep with you banging around with that thing. House: You're not actually saying that I have too loud a cane? Murphy: Is that hard for you to understand? House: Only in the sense that it has a rubber tip on the end, not a tap shoe. Murphy: Now you're getting cute with me. House: Okay, we started badly. I apologize for the noise, and we will try to figure out a way to be quieter – Murphy: And a thousand other things I don't give a crap about. Now you keep it down, or we're gonna have trouble. [He leaves.] House: [whispers] Wow. [Cut to Dibala’s room. A woman is standing, eyes downcast, between the men in the room. Cameron enters.] Cameron: You paged me? Dibala: This is Ama. She is from our country, but she lives here now. We'd like you to use her blood. Cameron: For what? Dibala: She recovered from Lassa fever two years ago. Our health minister has advised us that plasma from one who has the antibodies is much more effective than ribavirin. Joseph: [holding up a piece of paper] This is a signed consent form. Will you take her blood, please? Cameron: No. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. Cameron and Ama are there.] Ama: I want to do this. Cuddy: You understand that we would be using your blood to cure president Dibala. Ama: I know. Cameron: Are you from the Sitibi people? Ama: I am Sitibi. Cameron: Did they thrat you in some way? Your-your family members back home? Ama: [to Cuddy] Please let me give the blood. Please. Cuddy: Do it. Cameron: She's being coerced. Cuddy: If she is, I’d rather have a needle prick on my conscience than the death of her family members. [Cut to the hallway near Dibala’s room. Chase is at the nurses’ station reading a chart. He looks up and sees an orderly wheeling a cart. He stares for a moment then starts to run – in slow motion – toward the orderly who he realizes is Ruwe. He drops the chart on the floor as he goes.] Chase: Hey! Don't let him in there! [He rounds the corner to the room as two gn are heard.] [Cut to Dibala’s room. As Chase enters, Ruwe is knocked to the floor and Joseph begins beating him. Dibala watches, impassively. There’s a gn on the floor near his head. There’s a bllet hole in the wall and another one through Dibala’s monitor. Agent Bass, an American who is one of the ever-present men in the room, tries to pull Joseph off.] Bass: That's enough! We got him. Chase: [helping get Joseph away from Ruwe] Hey! [to Ruwe as Bass picks up the gn] You all right? Dibala: Who is that man? [Chase shines a flashlight in Dibala’s eyes. The right one is bloody. The left one looks normal.] Bass: He sht him? Chase: No. [Cut to the hallway. Chase sits with Ruwe on a bench. Ruwe’s face is a bloody mess. Chase pulls on gloves as he starts to examine him.] Chase: You need a lawyer. You can get a court-appointed. They can help you. Ruwe: I can't be helped. Chase: You did a stupid, terrible thing. But given the circumstances with your wife… You could get a reduced sentence. Ruwe: She wasn't my wife. Chase: Then who was she? Ruwe: They never told us her name. [Chase stares at him, questioning.] What his men made us do to that woman… He is now going to do… to all the Sitibi. [Chase looks at Ruwe as what he means sinks in.] [Cut to Chase and Cameron’s bedroom. Chase is taking off his shirt, getting ready for bed.] Cameron: You could have gotten klled. Chase: He wasn't going to hurt me. Cameron: He fired a gn in the hospital. Chase: Come here. [He hugs her tight. He looks fine. She looks troubled.] Cameron: Maybe next time don't yell out that warning. [His forehead wrinkles at that thought.] [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room the next morning. Foreman: The bloody eye was from an enlarged lymph node blocking the retinal vein. We restored circulation, but it means we've got to add lymph involvement to the heart, lungs, and rising fever. House: I'm just gonna sit here quietly. Foreman: Why? House: I feel like I’ve been inadvertently undermining your authority, so I’m just gonna observe. Not gonna say a word. [He “zips” his lips.] Foreman: The heart could point to sarcoidosis. [House clears his throat very loudly. He pulls an x-ray from its sleeve and holds it up while looking at the ceiling.] Chase: I'm thinking the x-rays indicate a lack of hilar adenopathy, which rules it out. [House puts the x-ray back on the table.] Foreman: Staph aureus? [House makes an exaggerated unhappy face.] Chase: No. [House looks at him and shakes his fist several times.] Because… [House opens his mouth and points his finger inside.] He… [He closes his mouth around the tip of his finger.] Smokes? [House drops his hand to the table and gives Chase an exasperated look.] Foreman: He's miming a thermometer. He says the fever's not high enough. [House makes a happy face.] Chase: So some other infection. [Two thumbs up.] Foreman: He's wrong. The fever could be misleading us into thinking infection. [House sighs loudly and makes a dejected face.] Foreman: Talk. [House shakes his head and his finger. He mimes being a mime – feeling an invisible wall.] Foreman: It could all fit with lymphoma. [House closes one eye, thinking. He raises his right arm so the upper arm is parallel to the floor and the forearm is pointing up. His left hand touches the right elbow. He then raises both arms over his head and drops the right one so that hand can touch the left arm.] House: [to Cameron] Uh, I need you to spread your legs so I can do an “H.” Cameron: Can't be lymphoma. LDH is normal. Foreman: He's got good liver function. It's masking the elevated levels. Biopsy the lymph node. Check it out. [Cameron and Chase leave.] House: Makes sense. I guess you don't need me. [He gets up to leave.] Oh, by the way, you might want to close the blinds. It’s really bright in here. [Foreman, puzzled, closes the blinds. LYMPHOMA TA DA!! Is written on them in large, black letters.] [Cut to Wilson’s office.] Wilson: It's just a wild coincidence that he thought you were a rude jerk. House: Come on. Give me the benefit of the doubt. You said he's a jerk. I barely talked. Wilson: You talked! [He drops his head into his hand.] All I wanted was to sip morning espresso next to a peaceful, burbling fountain. House: You could be sipping Courvoisier next to a replica of the Playboy grotto if you tell him what you got on him. Wilson: I don't have anything on him. I don't want anything on him. House: The closest he's been to Vietnam? Ordering the mee krob at that place on the corner. Wilson: Mee krob is from Thailand. House: Exactly. Wilson: What did you do? Why do you think he's faking? House: I saw his mail. Wilson: You broke in? House: No. He was holding it. Private medical insurance. Not from the VA. Plus, he's got to be early 50s. He's too young to be a vet. So I looked further. Wilson: You did break in. House: Online. There's no reference to him in any of the vet records. Wilson: Why would he fake being a veteran? House: Just look how you're acting. People have been tiptoeing around this jerk for years. Wilson: Normally, we'd all tell the amputee to go screw himself. House: Victims get pity, heroes get adulation. It's way better. Wilson: Thank you for trying to help me out with my neighbor. Now forget the Vietnam stuff. House: I could prove this. Wilson: But you won't because you'll be too busy writing him a letter of apology and dropping it at his door without knocking at his door. House: I didn’t do anything, the guy’s a totally ass. Wilson: Which is the point. It's easy to be nice to people you like. But being nice to people you hate, that's a skill. Do it. [House drops his eyes, but glares.] [Cut to Dibala’s room. Chase is treating him.] Dibala: Thank you for saving my life. Chase: The man that tried to kll you, he said that you were preparing a mssacre. Dibala: The Sitibi are my countrymen. I am fighting a guerilla wr. Chase: In a way that's being called genocide. Dibala: 20 years ago, these same Sitibi rebels took over the south. They massacred tens of thousands, and they would happily do it again. I'm trying to impose order. I'm trying to prevent a genocide. Genocide. My own son, my youngest, he is a student here. He hasn't spoken to me in years because of what he read in your newspapers. But what he read is not true. Chase: What about your Youth Labor League? Dibala: Ahhhhhh. There I was at fault. I hired men, who, in their zeal, stepped over the line, and there were abuses. But that will not happen again. [Chase considers this.] [Cut to the apartment building. There are some buckets and cleaning supplies on the floor. House approaches Murphy’s door, holding an envelope. As he reaches the door and leans down, it opens and the maid comes out holding two large garbage bags. She leaves the door ajar. House peeks through the opening but he can’t see much. He weighs the letter then puts it on the mat. As he turns to leave, his cane slips on the wet floor and he falls. He sits up, grabs the letter and shakes the water off it. The door opens further. Carefully getting up from a kneeling position on the floor, he leans into the open apartment.] House: [tentatively] Hello? [He uses his cane to swish a rag through some of the water that fell in the apartment, then leans down and finishes by hand. He picks up the rag and drops the letter on the table. As he turns to leave he stops then turns back to stare at the large Canadian flag framed on the wall.] [Cut to the lab. Cameron is looking in a microscope. Chase enters.] Chase: How's it going? Cameron: Normal-looking nucleus. Chase: How's it going with you? It worried me when you joked about letting that man sht Dibala. Cameron: I wasn't joking. Chase: You can't want to kll anyone, especially not your own patient. Cameron: It's only natural to feel he should – Chase: No, it's completely unnatural. Only psychopaths can kll other people without having some sort of breakdown. Cameron: Not when it's justified. Look at soldiers. Chase: Even when it's justified. Cameron: Am I trying to kll our patient? Of course not. But if he died, am I supposed to just pretend that wouldn't be good for the world? The cells are neatly differentiated. This isn't lymphoma. [Cut to the apartment building. Murphy approaches his door and takes his keys out. House, is sitting on the stairs, drinking a mug of coffee and waiting.] House: Thought I had detected the sickly sweet smell of maple syrup and socialized medicine. It smells like… victory. That big flag in your place prompted me to chat with your housekeeper. Turns out you're a citizen of the Great White North. Murphy: You broke into my apartment? House: Technically, no. Well, technically, yeah, but two steps. Hardly – Murphy: You're going to jail. House: Speaking of, you know what can get you six months and a $100,000 fine? Falsely claiming that you won a medal in Vietnam. Murphy: You think I’m faking? House: Canada did not send troops to fight in Vietnam, you idiot. Murphy: They sent troops to reinforce the '73 Peace Accords, Which is where I tried to free a 12-year-old boy who stepped on a land mine. 36 years later, every second, I feel the pain in my hand like I’m still grabbing that boy's arm, even though my arm isn't there. So, no, I’m not faking. House: Oh. On a related note, go Maple Leafs. [Murphy isn’t smiling. House gets up.] [Cut to Dibala’s room. Chase, Cameron and Joseph are there.] Dibala: Did you get the biopsy results? Is it lymphoma? Chase: No. So we have to move on. Infection, perhaps autoimmune… Dibala: Did you get the biopsy results? [Cameron and Chase look worried.] Chase: Yes, I just told you. Dibala: Is it lymphoma? [Now Joseph looks worried too.] [Cut to a nice restaurant. Foreman is having dinner with Thirteen.] Thirteen: Cameron and Chase? Foreman: They both really like diagnostics. And I think they both really like watching House trture me. Anyway, thank you for understanding about the job. I had two really crappy alternatives. Thirteen: There was a third. Foreman: What's that? Thirteen: You could have stepped aside. Foreman: We both would have lost our jobs. Thirteen: You could have asked Cameron or Chase to take your place. Foreman: They wouldn't have wanted to. Thirteen: You just said they both really like diagnostics. Foreman: You want to go back in time? Thirteen: I want to make this work. I want to understand you. I mean, you know how you made me feel. If you could do it again... Foreman: I made the right decision. [Thirteen stands up, takes her jacket from the back of her chair and leaves.] [Cut to observation area over Dibala’s room. Cameron and Joseph are there.] Joseph: I need your confidential medical opinion. Is the President capable of thinking clearly? Cameron: Obviously not, right now. Joseph: Will he ever be? Cameron: I think… Neurons don't grow back, and he's already in his decline. Anything he tells you, any command he gives, how will you ever know it's not just the delusions of a sick, mad, dying old man? [Joseph nods and leaves. Chase, who is in Dibala’s room, calls over the intercom.] Chase: He just started spiking a fever. [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room. House is looking at the file.] House: It's scleroderma. Foreman: You don't have some clever way of telling me this time? House: Patient's dying. I'm done with clever. Look at his skin. [He holds up a small photo from the file.] It's tight for a 75-year-old. Foreman: Based on his admission photo? Bit subjective. Fever points to infection. And now he's got nodules on his fingers. That's blastomycosis. House: Nodules? And you're calling tight skin subjective? Chase: I’m with Foreman. We would have seen fungus balls on the head CT. House: Fungal lesions can be missed. Cameron: We could settle this with a test. Anticentromere antibodies would point to scleroderma. Foreman: Point to, not prove. And his fever's too high. We have to treat him now. House: We treat wrong, we could send this disease into overdrive. You're with me on the scleroderma. Cameron: I guess. I just don't care enough about the patient to waste my time trying to convince anyone – House: We get it. You don't like the guy, you didn't want to work on this case. And yet you're still here. Why don't you take a stand? Either do something about it or shut up. Cameron: [to Foreman] Treat him for blasto if you want. [She gives House a smug “you satisfied?” look.] House: I'll get Cuddy. I can convince her to – Foreman: This isn't a democracy. I don't care who you get. At least for right now, this is my department. We're treating him for blasto. Start him on Amphotericin B. [Cut to Dibala’s room. Cameron is filling a syringe with Amphotericin B. As she finishes, he grabs her arm.] Dibala: Inject my IV with an air bubble. Cameron: What are you doing? Dibala: I will have another heart attck. No one will know. Chase: Let her go. Dibala: You tell my colonel I'm a sick, dying old man who can't be trusted. Cameron: I didn't say… Dibala: You were trying to put a gn in his hand and point it at my head. The gn is now in your hand. That is a practical difference, not a moral one. If you want me dad, then pull the trigger. It is not so easy when you have to do it yourself. [He lets go of her arm. She stares at the syringe for a long time. Dibala glares at her, Chase looks concerned. She injects the Amphotericin into his IV port.] Chase: Allison. Cameron: I guess I didn't want you dad. [She leaves.] Chase: If you touch my wife again, I'll kick your ass out into the street. I don't care who you are. Dibala: I did her a favor. I showed her her true character. Chase: She's a better person than you are. [He starts for the door.] Dibala: She is too weak to act on her beliefs. That is not her fault. Most everyone is. Even my own advisors. My own colonel. [scornfully] All they do is negotiate and debate and sign treaties. They are appeasers. And all the while, we are beset by assassins and traitors, the scum – Chase: [turning back] Cockroaches? What are you going to do about them? Dibala: What is an enemy to you? Some younger physician who covets your office? In my world, there are dangers and bloodshed and death. And that makes you a man. And men make choices. Chase: And your choice is to send bands of drunk, crazed children to mssacre an entire people? Dibala: Don't ask me questions you don't want to know the answer to. Chase; I saved your life. I deserve to know what you're planning to – Dibala: Whatever it takes to protect my country. [Chase stares at him as if seeing him for the first time.] [Cut to Wilson’s apartment.] Wilson: You broke into his apartment? House: I didn't break in. Wilson: I wish I believed you. House: I can fix this. Wilson: I already did. He was going to press charges. But… I promised him you'd leave. House: You're kicking me out? Wilson: I'll explain it to your psychiatrist, but… yeah. You got to go somewhere else. [House nods and jiggles his keys.] House, I know when things go wrong, usually you just double down and get more involved, but here you could go to jail. And I truly believe that you've changed enough to know this is the right thing. [Cut to a PPTH hall. Chase is sitting on a bench, thinking. Cameron approaches.] Cameron: We need a blood sample. We got to do the anticentromere antibody test. It'll show House is right. It's scleroderma. Chase: Why are you doing this now? Cameron: Because I didn't want to kll him. And you're right. I have to take a side. So I’m going to do what I can to keep him alive. Chase: I'll get you the blood. [Cut to House’s office. Foreman is seated at the desk. Cameron comes in with the test results, followed by Chase.] Cameron: Positive for anticentromere antibodies. Chase; Better get him off the antifungals and onto steroids immediately. Foreman: [taking the results from Cameron] I told you before, this only points to scleroderma. It doesn't prove it. Chase: You're just gonna ignore the test? Foreman: Blasto still fits best. Cameron: I know it's not conclusive, but when you put it with all the other evidence – Foreman: I've made my decision. [Cameron looks at Chase.] Cameron: Have you told Thirteen you were wrong to fre her? Foreman: What does that have to do with anything? Cameron: I've worked with you long enough to know you're reasonable. You can usually admit when you're wrong. But there's some deep part of you, that when you find you're wrong about the most important decisions you've made, you get insecure and you just retrench. If you want to mess up your relationship, that's your right, but you mess this up, our patient dies. Foreman: Switch him to steroids. [Cut to Murphy’s apartment. It’s dark. He enters and closes the door behind him. He flips on the light and turns. House is there with a syringe.] House: Hi, honey. [He injects Murphy in the neck.] How was your day? [He catches Murphy as he passes out.] [Murphy is in a chair. He has duct tape covering his mouth. There are also multiple layers of duct tape in a large “X” across his torso and over his shoulders and a wide band of it around him about the level of his lower rib cage. He is securely taped to the chair he is sitting on. He begins to wake up. He sees House seated on the table. Obviously afraid, he starts to breathe loudly and rapidly.] House: Morning. First of all, my bad. I've gone through this whole thing recently. I don't want to bore you. Short version: I’m really trying to do work on some stuff. This is a definite setback. Although, in fairness, you really did make it tough. [He gets off the table and fetches a box with large round holes in one side. He puts it on the table and slides Murphy to it as he continues.] House: Phantom pain in your missing arm? Five different kinds of painkiller in your medicine cabinet. That's what this magic box of neurological trickery is for. [Murphy groans and tries to resist as House picks up his right arm, which doesn’t have the prosthetic on, to put it through one of the holes in the box.] House: This would be a lot easier if you do what the crazy guy who tied you up says. [He lets House put his stump through the hole. House removes the duct tape on Murphy’s left arm.] Put your hand in there. Put your hand in there. [House closes the lid on the right side of the box.] Now look. Mirror magic. Your arm is back. [With the lid covering the right arm, Murphy sees his left and it’s reflection. It looks like two whole arms, side by side.] Now clench both your fists at the same time. Clench. Real hard. [Murphy does. He is also on the verge of tears.] If you believe in God, pray that this is gonna work. You might also want to ask him why he blew off your arm. Ready? Now let go. [Murphy’s eyes are shut tight. His left hand and its mirror image open wide as do his eyes. He is obviously shocked. House removes the duct tape from his mouth.] Murphy: [crying] Oh, my God. It relaxed. For 36 years, I’ve been in pain. And it's finally gone. Oh, my God. Thank you. [Cut to Dibala’s room. The monitors are going crazy. Chase has a large black tube in Dibala’s mouth.] Cameron: O2 sat's down to 88. Chase: Going through the main stem bronchus, into the right upper lobe. [Foreman, Joseph, Bass and others enter.] Get them out of here. Joseph: No! Foreman: [gesturing to calm him down and keep him out of Chase’s way] It’s okay. Cameron: Bleeder. Chase: [looking at it on the monitor] Cauterizing. Foreman: Got it? Chase: Yeah. [The alarms stop for a moment then start again, loudly. Blood is pouring out of Dibala’s mouth around the tube.] Foreman: Get the paddles! Chase: I'm going back in. Joseph: What is happening? Foreman: He's bleeding into his lungs. Cameron: [grabbing the paddles] Charging. Chase: Another bleeder. I can get it. Foreman: Hold on. There's a third. Chase: God, there's a dozen. [He and Foreman pull the equipment away. to Cameron] Shock him. Cameron: Clear. [She shocks him. The monitors don’t change.] Charging. Clear. [As time seems to slow down, she shocks him half a dozen more times.] [The only sound in the room is the monitor, flat-lining.] [Cut to House’s office. Foreman is behind the desk, brooding. House enters.] House: You want to curl up and cry, the lounge chair's a little more comfy. Foreman: I switched his meds. I thought I was wrong, so I took him off the antifungals. Put him on steroids like you said. House: You know what that means. Foreman: I was too late. Or I was right in the first place. House: So either you klled him by not having confidence in your opinion, or you klled him by being too attached to your opinion. If you're anything like me – and, by the way, you are – you need to know which. Foreman: He's under lock and key in the morgue. His government wants their own doctors to do the autopsy. They're taking his body out tomorrow. House: There's a reason I hired you. You used to know what to do with a locked door. [Cut to the locker room. Chase is sitting on a bench in front of an open locker. His elbows are on his knees and his head is down. As Foreman enters, Chase glances at him then sits up straight.] Foreman: I went down to the morgue to rerun the antibodies test. Chase: We ran it twice. Foreman: Turns out I couldn't get in. They had an armed guard. But I saw this. [He holds out a sheet of paper.] It's a sign-in sheet from the morgue. Your signature. [Chase slowly takes the paper from Foreman.] 9:45 this morning. That's right before you guys ran the test. What were you doing there? Chase: Follow-up on a clinic case. Foreman: What case? Chase: You think this is really important – Foreman: One of the patients in the morgue was a 70-year-old woman who had scleroderma. You and Cameron, if you took that woman's blood, you could have messed up the test results so we treated Dibala for the wrong disease. Chase: [making full eye contact with Foreman for the first time] Cameron had nothing to do with it. Foreman: [loudly] You son of a bitch. Chase: He was going to kll the Sitibi. Every last one of them. Foreman: [shouting] I don't care what he was going to do. He came to us and put his life in our hands. Chase: [standing and talking quietly] All the good we've done… Every life we've saved… It would have meant nothing… If we just sent him off to kll hundreds of thousands of people. Look at the news. The moderates are taking over. There's hope for peace talks. You tell the world that I faked this test, Dibala becomes a martyr. The massacres begin. Foreman: I cover this up, I become your accomplice. You think you can guilt me into that? Chase: If the cops are going to come for me, please warn me… So that I can tell my wife first. [Foreman takes the sign-in sheet. Chase sits back down.] Foreman: Chase… You really think you can kll another human being without any consequences to yourself? Chase: [His mouth moves for a moment with no sound. He shakes his head once, almost imperceptibly.] No. [Cut to Wilson’s apartment. House comes in and drops his keys on the table. Wilson is watching TV with his feet up.] TV: American alligators are mostly found in the southeastern United States. Wilson: My neighbor called. He sounded… happy. House: That's nice. Wilson: Even nicer, he's approving the garden expansion. House: [joining Wilson on the couch] Huh. Wilson: And even more nicer… He's not going to press charges. Even if you don't move out. What did you do to him? House: I was nice. [pause] You really want to know? Wilson: I think… I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. TV: Alligators’ main prey is very small animals that they can k*ll and eat in a single bite. [On screen, an alligator that has been lurking below the surface of the water with only it’s eyes visible, snaps up a frog.] House and Wilson: [in unison] Oh! [Cut to the morgue. Bass leads Dibala’s son in. He is crying as he uncovers his father’s head. Dibala’s mouth and cheeks are streaked with a lot of dried blood.] [Cut to Chase and Cameron’s bedroom. Cameron is asleep. Chase lays down, still dressed, facing away from her.] [Cut to House’s office. Foreman is alone. He stares at the log-in sheet then lights one corner, holding it as it burns. He lowers it out of sight and stares straight ahead.] The End	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x04 - The Tyrant"}	foreverdreaming
[Opens with a guy sitting in a chair staring into space. He looks unhappy, cut to a dog at his feet lying down with a ball in front of him. Dog puts his head down and makes a noise, like he is also sad. Guy continues to stare at nothing.] LADY: Mr. Randall? [The lady is standing in front of him.] They're here. [He nods.] [You then see Roy Randall making his way into a mansion. Cut to a boardroom with several people sitting around a large table.] BUSINESS MAN: $52 million includes over $6 million already issued pursuant to the over-allotment option. ROY: When can we close? OLIVER: It would be subject to regulatory approval in both Toronto and... ROY: [Interrupting.] I didn't say, "how," Oliver. I said, "when." [Everybody looks down and remains silent.] What? [The man at the opposite end of the table to Roy decides to speak up.] KEN: You sure this is a direction you want to go, Roy? This would move us from energy service into energy... ROY: You don't think oil's going up? KEN: Well of course it's going to go up. The question is when. ROY: The question is always when, and if we wait until the deal makes sense to everyone else, we're going to be waiting in line behind everyone else. KEN: All I'm saying is... ROY: The same cover-your-ass crap you always say. [Checks his phone.] We're going to have to wrap this up. I've got to go. KEN: Where are you going? ROY: Upstairs. [Stands up.] Get the regulators on it. I want to close by the end of the month. [Starts walking away from the table.] KEN: Come on, Roy. There are ten other items on the agenda. ROY: Which will have to wait until next week. KEN: You can't drag us all out of the office, get halfway through, and then just kick us out. ROY: Yeah, I can. [Leaves. We see him walking down a large hallway with the same depressed look he had earlier.] [Cut to toys on a window sill. We see various toys and posters on the wall, clearly a child's room. We then see a heart rate monitor. We then see a wide view of the large room filled with toys and other things, Roy is standing in the middle of it talking to a doctor.] DOCTOR: The antibiotic treatment had no effect. Both the fever and the pain are getting worse, which means it's not clostridium difficile. ROY: But you said that was the only diagnosis that made sense. DOCTOR: It was. We need to get him to a hospital. JACK: [Lying in the bed.] Dad? [Roy walks over to him.] I don't want to go. ROY: I know, buddy. But we may need to. JACK: Am I going to die? ROY: No, of course not. JACK: How do you know? ROY: Well, I just do. [Smiles.] And I'm always right, aren't I? JACK: [Smiles back.] Yeah. [Opening Credits.] [Cut to Roy in Cuddy's office.] ROY: I want House. CUDDY: I understand, but I told you Dr. House isn't available. Dr... ROY: Call him. Tell him I'll have a private jet pick him up from whatever island... CUDDY: He isn't on vacation. Dr. Foreman's one of our best doctors. ROY: Is House in jail? CUDDY: No. Foreman is currently working with two of House's most veteran associates. ROY: Rehab? CUDDY: No. Mr. Randall, your son will be in good hands. ROY: My son... has already been in good hands, and he's still dying. I'm through dealing with good. I want the best, and everyone I've asked says that's House. So unless he's dad, comatose, or insane, I want him treating my son, today. [Cut to Cuddy talking to House in the Diagnostics Office. Cameron, Chase and Foreman are also in the room.] HOUSE: You could have said no, in good conscience. CUDDY: The kid'll still be Foreman's patient, but his dad wants you making the decisions. FOREMAN: Then he's not my patient. You want to give me none of the responsibility and all of the liability? HOUSE: Which means I get... [Looks excited.] Oh, cool. CUDDY: [Looks are Foreman.] Don't let him do anything crazy. FOREMAN: When is he getting his license back so we can stop playing this game? HOUSE: [Looking at the file.] Maybe never. This game is fun. CUDDY: You also need to prepare President Dibala's case for this week's morbidity and mortality conference. [Chase looks worried.] HOUSE: Oh... Unfortunately I'm overdue a mani-pedi appointment. CUDDY: Not you. Foreman's department. HOUSE: Oh, right. Well, he's got all the time in the world. FOREMAN: We made the wrong call, he died. There's nothing to present. CUDDY: It obviously garnered a lot of curiosity. CHASE: And we don't have more important things to do than satisfy everyone's idle curiosity? CUDDY: It's not idle. The question of how we deal with two possible diagnoses whose treatments are contraindicated is worth discussing. [Cuddy leaves. Chase looks over at Foreman.] CAMERON: Abdominal pain increasing in severity and frequency, fever, dehydration, diarrhea, weight loss. CHASE: Mom died from kidney failure caused by type one diabetes, which has been ruled out. HOUSE: 17 doctors. Everything's been ruled out. Which means we have to re-rule out. Get a new history and physical. [Looks at Foreman.] Unless that's crazy, boss. [Foreman nods to Cameron. Cut to Cameron giving Jack an exam while Roy watches on.] CAMERON: You been out of the country or on any recent camping trips? ROY: No camping. But we were in Montreal back in January. JACK: We went to see the NHL all-star game for my birthday. CAMERON: Awesome. ROY: Where's Dr. House? CAMERON: In his office. He's really more of a decider than a do-er. He's decided we should start over. Never know what previous doctors may have missed. [Presses down on Jacks abdomen, notices something.] Like this. [To Jack.] Does that hurt more when I push there? JACK: Not really. ROY: What is it? CAMERON: I'm not sure. [Cut to Chase and Foreman in the Diagnostics Office.] CHASE: Just keep it clean, simple. We did a test that called into question our initial diagnosis, so we changed our mind. FOREMAN: And if they ask how the test was done? CHASE: Why would they do that? It's a routine lab test. FOREMAN: Routine lab tests don't involve blood you stole from a corpse to trick me into giving the guy the wrong treatment. CHASE: Yes, and if you brought that up, it'd certainly make for a lively debate about the morality of mrder mrder. But since you brned the only evidence of that. FOREMAN: To cover for you, not me. CHASE: You're protected. The decision was a coin flip. There was no right or wrong answer. The body's underground, 8,000 miles away. Nobody can prove anything. FOREMAN: That room will be filled, not because of a coin flip, not because of the patient, but because House's department screwed up. They're going to be like sharks in a chum-filled swimming pool, and there's no way I'm jumping in unless I'm in a steel cage. CHASE: So what do you want? FOREMAN: I want to know you have everything covered. HOUSE: [Suddenly appears in the doorway.] Got what covered? CHASE: We're just reviewing the Dibala case. Making sure we didn't miss anything. [Chase gets up and walks away from the desk, with his back to House.] HOUSE: We didn't. Except of course the thing that klled him. [House stares at Chase.] [Cameron walks in behind House.] CAMERON: He's constipated. Physical revealed a mass in his abdomen, so I repeated the X-ray. [Shows the X-ray to Foreman.] Old one was clean. New one shows that his colon's almost completely impacted. FOREMAN: Obstruction would explain the pain. You think they just screwed up the old X-ray? [Looks at House.] HOUSE: Nope. [Smiles at Foreman, who looks back at the X-ray.] [Cut to Foreman talking to Roy in Jacks hospital room.] ROY: Hirschsprung's? FOREMAN: It's a congenital disorder of the nerves in the colon. Very rare in a child your son's age. Most doctors would never think of it. ROY: And you came up with this? FOREMAN: It's House's idea. CAMERON: We need a barium enema and biopsy to confirm. [Cameron pour some powder into a glass of water.] JACK: Let me guess. It tastes really bad, but it's going to make me feel a lot better. [Foreman smiles and looks at Cameron.] FOREMAN: Actually, you're not going to taste it. [Jack looks at the bag of liquid that Cameron is now holding. He then realizes what's going to happen .] [Cut to House sitting down at a table in a Cafe.] HOUSE: [To the person behind him.] You should try searching for "Misty May digs for gold." [Thirteen's turns around surprised.] Make sure you put it in quotes. THIRTEEN: I'm making travel plans. Just need to get away. Have some time to myself. [Looks back at her laptop.] You getting the hint? HOUSE: So that's it? [Turns his chair around so he can see her.] You're done with your little experiment with Foreman? THIRTEEN: It wasn't an experiment. It was a relationship. You may want to look into the difference. [They look at each other, Thirteen smiles.] I'm glad you're better, House. I actually liked working for you. But I'm not coming back. HOUSE: Good. 'Cause if you came back, Foreman would try and save the relationship and he'd give up being the boss. THIRTEEN: Are you here to try to save my relationship with Foreman? HOUSE: God no. Trying to save MY relationship with Foreman. Right now I'm Kobe, playing the game I love, however the hell I want. Phil Jackson has to listen to everyone else bitch about it. [Gets up and starts to leave.] Enjoy Cabo. THIRTEEN: I'm going to Thailand. HOUSE: Really? Interesting. THIRTEEN: [Smiles.] Good-bye, House. HOUSE: Good-bye Thirteen. [Leaves.] [Cut to Cameron showing Roy and Jack three X-rays. Points to each one.] CAMERON: Last week, yesterday, today. ROY: I can't believe it. He's pain-free for the first time in months. He's even hungry. JACK: I'm starving. CAMERON: We're still waiting for the biopsy results, but obviously it's a good sign. [Starts to examine Jacks abdomen.] FOREMAN: You're going to want to take it slow. Don't try to regain all the lost weight in one meal. ROY: What's wrong? CAMERON: The abdomen feels normal, but it looks bigger. ROY: Jack, are you feeling... Jack? [Jack is just lying there, his eyes wide open but not moving.] Hey, Jack, you okay? FOREMAN: [Shines a light in Jack's eye.] Right eye's fixed. Lateral rectus palsy. [Monitors start going off. Jack starts seizing.] He's seizing. [Yells out to the corridor.] Need five milligrams of diazepam. [Nurses rush in.] ROY: What, what's happening? FOREMAN: Hold down his head and turn off the lights. I need to see his optic disk. [Someone turns off the light, Foreman tries to look into Jack's eye.] CAMERON: Heart rate is elevated. FOREMAN: Come on, hold his head. NURSE: I'm trying. ROY: Wait! Where, where's House? CAMERON: [Moves him back.] OK, Mr. Randall, we need you to step back. FOREMAN: His optic disk is swollen. He's got intracranial hypertension. Furosemide. 20 milligrams IV. CAMERON: If we could intubate him, we could hyperventilate him... FOREMAN: [Over the top of Cameron.] Need five more milligrams of diazepam. DC the monitors. Push 500 milligrams phenytoin. CAMERON: [Semi-whispers.] We can't push that much. FOREMAN: We got to relieve the pressure or his brain could herniate. ROY: Oh, my God. CAMERON: 50 milligrams of phenytoin in. [No effect.] FOREMAN: [Shakes his head.] Page Chase. Tell him to meet us in the OR. [They start wheeling him down the corridor they are almost running, Jack still seizing. Roy is following behind. Cameron is holding Jacks head down while pushing the bed.] FOREMAN: [To Roy.] We need your consent. ROY: What's happening to him? FOREMAN: Pressure in his skull's too high. If we don't reduce it, it could irrevocably damage his brain. ROY: But he was just talking. He was smiling. FOREMAN: We need to drill burr holes. ROY: Drill into his head? FOREMAN: Phenytoin's not working. Paralyze him. Three milligrams pancuronium. Then intubate and hyperventilate. [They push him into the OR where Chase is scrubbing in.] ROY: Where's House? FOREMAN: House isn't here. Do we have your consent? Do we have your consent? [Roy watches from in the doorway as they get ready to lift Jack onto the operating table.] Ready? One, two, three. [They lift him on.] CAMERON: Injecting three milligrams of pancuronium. [Jack stops shaking. They intubate him.] FOREMAN: [Walks over to Roy.] Look at the monitors. He's still seizing. We need to do this now. [Roy nods his head.] Go. [A Nurse guides Roy out of the room. While Chase starts to drill a hole into Jacks head.] CAMERON: Electrical seizure activity's stopped. [Everyone watches the monitor.] FOREMAN: Intracranial pressure's declining. [Chase puts a small tube into the hole.] Come on. Keep going. Pressure's down to eight. [Everyone looks relieved.] CAMERON: I'll go tell the dad. CHASE: What happened? FOREMAN: I have no idea. [Cut to everyone in Radiology looking at the X-rays.] FOREMAN: He hasn't had any more seizures, and cytological examination of the subdural fluid showed no abnormalities. HOUSE: Don't usually see brain damage after a rectal biopsy. FOREMAN: He was fine after the procedure. No headaches. No mental status change. It wasn't anything we did. CAMERON: It's not just his brain. He's continuing to build up fluid in his abdominal cavity as well as the Dura. We've inserted shunts to drain it. CHASE: Got to be some sort of systemic infection. HOUSE: Not after spending the last week getting pumped full of IV antibiotics. FOREMAN: Notice anything odd about the shape of the fluid collection? HOUSE: Oh, God, it's... The Virgin Mary. [Cameron rolls her eyes.] FOREMAN: The edge should be tapered, lens shaped. HOUSE: [Stares at the X-ray.] Unless... The Dural layer was already separated from the brain when the fluid started to build up. Get a Dural biopsy to confirm brain cancer. [To Foreman.] Nice catch. [Cut to Thirteen in a cab, talking on the phone.] THIRTEEN: Bangkok. Flight 799. CAB DRIVER: Wow. Bangkok, that sounds awesome. How long? THIRTEEN: Not sure yet. Luckily I have a friend who's staying at my place, taking care of my dog. He's really big, so he needs a lot of exercise. [Back to the phone.] Remy Hadley. H-a-d-l-e-y. CAB DRIVER: What, you think I'm going to rob the place? THIRTEEN: No, of course not. CAB DRIVER: In case you haven't noticed, I have a job. THIRTEEN: Look, I'm sorry. I don't know you. You're either honest or dishonest. I figured the safer choice is to... CAB DRIVER: Is to treat a stranger like an ass. Nice way to live your life... bitch. THIRTEEN: I said I'm sorry. [To the phone.] Oh, hello. I was wondering if there were any business class seats open that I could use my miles to upgrade to. CAB DRIVER: I don't know you, but I assumed I could trust you. Welcomed you in my car. THIRTEEN: Okay, you're a saint. [Back to the phone.] That's impossible. I confirmed my reservation last night. So rebook it. Well, obviously it was a mistake on your end, not mine. No, I'm on my way to the airport right now. CAB DRIVER: They didn't believe you, huh? [Aerial sht of PPTH.] [Cut to Chase and Cameron explaining the situation to Roy outside Jacks room.] ROY: Brain cancer? CHASE: We should know for sure by the morning. ROY: Our luck just keeps getting worse, huh? CAMERON: Treatment options are getting better every day. There's no visible mass, so even if the biopsy comes back positive, we've caught it early. ROY: Oh, so you're telling me this is good news? CAMERON: I'm saying we will do whatever we can. ROY: Right. [Signs the form as Chase's pager goes off.] Sorry. [Hands the form to Chase and walks away.] CHASE: I've got to go. Foreman needs more help with the M&M prep. CAMERON: Okay, I'll come up and help after I finish the biopsy. CHASE: [Shakes his head.] We can handle it. I'll see you at home later. CAMERON: If you're here, I might as well be. CHASE: Go home. Get some rest. 'Cause I'm going to be waking you up as soon as I get home. [Cut to Thirteen at House's apartment. House opens the door.] THIRTEEN: Stay out of my life. HOUSE: Okay. [Goes to shut the door but Thirteen stops him.] THIRTEEN: I know you canceled my reservation. You obviously saw me log in when you were spying on me in the coffee shop. HOUSE: I was talking to you. I was spying on the milf in the running shorts. THIRTEEN: I'm not coming back on the team. HOUSE: I don't want you back on the team. THIRTEEN: I cannot work for, with, or around Foreman. HOUSE: Which is why I don't want you back on the team. Now that you're out of the picture, he's better than ever, which is going to make me less miserable than ever, which is why neither of us Gives a damn how, when, or on what island in the Bahamas you want to get from it all. THIRTEEN: The Bahamas? HOUSE: Costa Rica? THIRTEEN: I told you Thailand. HOUSE: I assumed you were lying, because it would have been idiotic of you to tell me truth. Yet another reason I have no use for you. [House shuts the door.] [Cut to Chase walking into House's office. Foreman is standing behind House's desk.] FOREMAN: We've got a problem. When Cameron sent Dibala's blood to the lab, she specifically asked for the anticentromere antibodies test. CHASE: So? FOREMAN: The printout they sent you included just the anticentromere antibodies, but the lab also did a full blood panel. CHASE: So, I'm not an idiot. I obviously made sure the cadaver I got the sample from had the same blood type. FOREMAN: You apparently didn't check its cholesterol. [Chase looks worried.] CHASE: How far off? FOREMAN: 20%. [Chase takes the report to look for himself.] [Cut to Cameron at home, in bed asleep, alone. Light is coming through the window, it's morning, the alarm goes off. Cameron reaches over and turns it off. Then looks over and see the Chase still isn't home.] [Cut to Chase and Foreman talking in the cafeteria.] CHASE: Dibala didn't die of high cholesterol. Why would anyone even bother to compare the two reports? FOREMAN: The same reason I did. Because they're looking for anything we might have screwed up. CHASE: We could claim the blood analyzer broke. FOREMAN: We can't. Cameron documented that it was perfectly calibrated when she did the test. CHASE: So the numbers are off, it's weird. Who cares? If it comes up, just act surprised like it's some irrelevant curiosity. FOREMAN: I can't do this. I can't go in there and stack lie upon lie. You've got to figure out a way to explain this. [Cameron walks up to them.] CAMERON: Hey. CHASE: Hey. [They kiss.] CAMERON: Missed you this morning. CHASE: Yeah, sorry. I needed to get in early. I didn't want to wake you. CAMERON: I thought you did want to wake me. At least that's what you said last night. FOREMAN: I'm out of here. CAMERON: No, no. I got the biopsy results. [Hands Foreman a file.] It's not cancer. [Cut to everyone in the Diagnostics office] FOREMAN: How can so much be wrong with nothing being wrong? HOUSE: Since when has cancer been considered nothing? CAMERON: I just said it's not cancer. The cell morphologies were all normal. FOREMAN: And so are the most recent CT scans. HOUSE: On the other hand, adenocarcinoma of the stomach would cause pain, constipation, nutritional deficiencies that could cause seizures. FOREMAN: And wouldn't show on a CT. HOUSE: You were right about the cancer, just wrong about the place. [Looks at Chase whose mind appears to be elsewhere.] Continue to say nothing if you agree. [Chase looks up at House surprised.] FOREMAN: Go scope him. Get another set of biopsies. [Cameron and Chase leave.] HOUSE: I'd get canceling her ticket, if you then showed up with two more to somewhere better. FOREMAN: What are you talking about? HOUSE: Or showed up at all. But how does just ruining her plans get her to agree to yours? FOREMAN: You talking about Thirteen? Where's she going? HOUSE: Well, nowhere this week, thanks to you. FOREMAN: I didn't stop her. I'm not going to stop her. I've already done all I could. Now all I can do is move on. HOUSE: I think... I actually believe you. If you're telling the truth, you're even more rational than I... Well, not more. Then again more sane. You're going to be a good boss, boss. [Cut to Cameron and Chase walking down the corridor.] CHASE: I told you there's nothing wrong. CAMERON: There's obviously something wrong and I'm not even saying we need to talk about it right now. I just don't see why you have to deny it. CHASE: I'm not. CAMERON: Now you're denying you're denying. CHASE: No, I'm denying that there's anything to deny. CAMERON: [Stops walking.] Robert, you can't do this. You can't hide things from me. CHASE: There's a problem with the Dibala M&M. The HDL numbers on one of his early blood panels don't match a later panel. CAMERON: That's weird. CHASE: Yeah... [Starts walking again.] It's no big deal. Cholesterol didn't have anything to do with his death, but, you know, after being let go from Mercy and then that thing with Thirteen's drug trial, Foreman's paranoid about people questioning the way he handled the case. CAMERON: Well that's ridiculous. If anything, Foreman should be feeling secure. He's the one who had the right diagnosis. We're the ones who talked him out of it. CHASE: I know. Don't tell him I told you. He doesn't want to show any signs of weakness, especially now that House is claiming he wants him to stay in charge. CAMERON: All right. [Cut to Chase and Cameron in Jacks room.] ROY: So it's still cancer? It's just somewhere else? CAMERON: That's what we're looking for, but it would explain all the symptoms and all the normal test and imaging studies. CHASE: Got biopsies of the mucosa and the sub-mucosa, moving towards the pylorus. ROY: It's my fault. CAMERON: Adenocarcinomas aren't caused by diet or environmental factors. ROY: I inherited a $10 million pipeline business when I was 24. By the time I was 30, it was worth over a billion. Since then, I have been involved in over 50 deals that make that first one look like a loser. Everything I do, everything I touch turns to gold... Except my family. First, my wife. And now... my son. This is my fault. It's karma. CAMERON: That's obviously not true. [Machines start beeping.] CHASE: He's seizing again. CAMERON: Get the scope out. Need five milligrams diazepam. CHASE: How's the ICP? CAMERON: It's...[Looks at the monitor.] Eight. But the shunt's open and clear. This isn't intracranial pressure. CHASE: Then what the hell is it? [Cut to House looking at Roy and Jack from outside Jack's room. CHASE: Seizures stopped, but he hasn't regained consciousness. No sign of any masses in his stomach or esophageal lining and he's still accumulating subdural and peritoneal fluid. HOUSE: And every time we look to see where it's coming from, he starts seizing. CAMERON: You think we're setting this off? HOUSE: I think something is. FOREMAN: One of his stomach biopsies shows an arteriole partially occluded. CAMERON: But with no abnormality in the other layers and no evidence of a cellular inflammatory reaction. HOUSE: It's definitely not cancer. CHASE: Then it has to be some sort of infection. FOREMAN: We already ruled out infection. CHASE: Only because he was treated for it and got worse. FOREMAN: Seems like a sound reason. CHASE: Unless it's a drug-resistant strain. HOUSE: [Turns around to face them.] Drug-resistant strain of what? Bacterial cultures, viral serologies, ANA and a NCA were all negative. CHASE: Everything's negative. We obviously missed something. CAMERON: Maybe the seizures aren't a new symptom. They're an old one. CHASE: No doctor noticed a thrashing kid? CAMERON: Abdominal epilepsy. The seizures would just look like pain until it spread to his motor cortex. FOREMAN: It wouldn't explain the fevers. CAMERON: Protein malnutrition can cause fevers and nothing causes malnutrition like excruciating stomach pain that gets worse every time you eat. [They all look at House.] HOUSE: I'd be a lot more certain if it was my idea, but it's the best we got. FOREMAN: Start him on gabapentin. Hook him up to an intracranial EEG for continuous monitoring. [Cut to Chase catching up to Foreman in the hallway.] CHASE: I gave him statins. FOREMAN: What? CHASE: If they ask about the cholesterol, just say I prescribed a statin and forgot to put it in the chart. FOREMAN: You want to solve a problem in the records by creating another problem in the records? CHASE: It's not a problem with the records. It's a problem with my record keeping. There's no way anyone can prove me wrong. FOREMAN: How'd you get access to the statins? You going to get someone in the pharmacy to confess to yet another record-keeping problem? CHASE: I saw an open cart. Just took it. FOREMAN: Why would you steal a drug you could just as easily ask for? CHASE: 'Cause I'm trying to get you off the hook. FOREMAN: A story that raises more questions than it answers only puts the hook deeper down my throat. It's all right. I'll handle it. CHASE: How? FOREMAN: By telling the truth. [Cut to Foreman in Cuddy's office.] FOREMAN: The truth is I don't have the time, I'm not in the mood, and I don't see the point. CUDDY: You don't want to do the M&M because you're not in the mood? FOREMAN: This kid is dying and I've got House trying to push all his responsibilities onto me. CUDDY: They're not his responsibilities. They're yours. You're the one who wanted to be in charge. FOREMAN: I wanted to be in charge, not a figurehead. CUDDY: Then do the M&M. It's all yours. FOREMAN: You want me to get flogged? For what? So you can have an academic debate about a diagnostic dilemma no one's ever going to face again? CUDDY: What the hell's going on here? FOREMAN: I just don't want to do the M&M. [Cut to Foreman leaving Cuddy's office.] CHASE: Did it work? FOREMAN: Not even close. [Cut to House still watching through the windows as Cameron attends to Jack. Cuddy walks over to him.] CUDDY: Everything okay? HOUSE: Just waiting for whatever is about to go wrong. CUDDY: Thirteen called. HOUSE: She have a theory that makes more sense than abdominal epilepsy? CUDDY: She said someone hacked into her email account and canceled an airline reservation. I'm guessing Foreman. HOUSE: Really? You're accusing Foreman, not me? Cool. CUDDY: You really want Foreman to stay in charge of the team? HOUSE: Makes sense. He loves power, and I love puzzles. CUDDY: You love power and puzzles. HOUSE: True. But when I had them both... It wasn't Foreman. CUDDY: How do you know? HOUSE: He said he's moved on. CUDDY: And you believe him? HOUSE: I believe that he believes it. [House's pager goes off, he looks at it.] Looks like it's time for me to get off the bench. [Walks into Jacks room.] What's up? ROY: Are you Dr. House? HOUSE: I understand you're a big fan. I'll have my guy send over a signed glossy. CAMERON: Continuous EEG shows no interictal spikes. It's not abdominal epilepsy. HOUSE: You paged me to tell me what it's not? CAMERON: I paged you to show you this. [Opens Jack's gown to show several large red spots on his chest.] HOUSE: That... I did not expect. ROY: Well what the hell is that supposed to mean? HOUSE: Darn it. I knew I should have stayed outside. Fantasy's always much better than the reality. ROY: You think this is a joke? That's my son, he's dying, and not one of you seem to have the slightest clue why. HOUSE: I know. That's why it's so interesting. [Cut to Diagnostics office, House is pacing back and forth.] HOUSE: Fever, stomach pain, seizures, peritoneal and subdural fluid collection and now spots. FOREMAN: Could be an allergic reaction to one of his meds. HOUSE: That suddenly developed eight hours after he started the meds? CAMERON: If it's not cancer or infection, it has to be autoimmune. Systemic lupus complicated by a CNS vasculitis would explain the rash, fever, ascites... HOUSE: CNS vasculitis would cause a stiff neck along with a headache. FOREMAN: And would've showed up on the Dural biopsy. CHASE: What about polyarteritis nodosa? It can occur in kids. FOREMAN: Except you can't have arteritis without inflammation. CHASE: Okay, you come up with something better. [Everyone looks up at House.] HOUSE: Go on. CHASE: [Turns back to Foreman.] There was some inflammation in the skin biopsy, plus he's got elevated diastolic pressure. FOREMAN: It's barely elevated, which you'd expect given the number of procedures he's undergone. CHASE: Well, barely is more than not barely. [They look at House again.] HOUSE: Not my decision. But if it was, I'd say start him on prednisone and get a testicular biopsy. If he's going to have any real inflammation, it'll be down there. FOREMAN: Cameron and I will do it. CAMERON: Why? It was Chase's idea. FORMEAN: Kid's father is not going to be happy about a fourth set of biopsies, and you've got a better rapport. CAMERON: What's really going on here? You need Chase to help you over-prep for the M&M? FOREMAN: Yes. CAMERON: Then say so. Don't be a child. [Gets up to go.] HOUSE: Is it on his penis? [Cameron stops and looks at him.] Kid's rash? CAMERON: Yeah, why? HOUSE: Means it's most likely affecting the small blood vessels. That's why we didn't see any inflammation on the biopsies. It's not polyarteritis. It's Degos disease. [The all just stand there.] I'll do it. [Cut to House walking into Jack's room.] HOUSE: Your son has Degos disease. Causes micro blood vessels in the brain, skin, GI tract to break down, clot off. It sometimes manifests early on with atrophic papules on the penis. In your son's case, we don't know why, but they came much later. ROY: What's the treatment? HOUSE: There isn't one. It's incurable. ROY: You're wrong. You've already been wrong a bunch of times. HOUSE: We've rechecked the biopsies. It's definitely Degos. I'm sorry. I wish there was something we could do. ROY: How long? HOUSE: Not much longer. ROY: What does that mean? HOUSE: A day at the most. [Roy starts crying. House nods and leaves the room.] [sht of PPTH. Dusk.] [Cut to Chase in Diagnostics office, looking tired and worried. House watches him from his office but Chase doesn't know. Chase gets up and leaves.] [Cut to Chase walking into Cuddy's office. Cuddy is on the phone.] CUDDY: All right, great. [Hangs up.] CHASE: We need to talk. CUDDY: Unless it's life or death, it's going to have to wait. CHASE: It's about Dibala. CUDDY: Well, let me rephrase. Unless it's a current life... CHASE: Foreman can't present the case at the M&M. CUDDY: I know you guys are busy, but he's just going to have to suck it up and make the time. CHASE: It's not the time. CUDDY: Then what is it? CHASE: The anticentromere antibodies test. The test that caused us to change the treatment from blastomycosis to scleroderma... It wasn't... CUDDY: Wasn't what? [A Nurse walks in.] NURSE: Dr. Cuddy? [Both Chase and Cuddy look at her.] They need you in the pediatric ICU. CUDDY: Who's they? NURSE: I don't know. But I think they're lawyers. [Cuddy stands up and gets ready to leave, looks at Chase.] CUDDY: If you guys screwed something up, just come clean. It's not going to be that bad. [Leaves.] [Cut to House sitting in a Chair in Jack's room. Watching on as Ken, the business man from the meeting at the start of the episode, is telling Foreman off.] KEN: With all due respect, you don't know what's at stake here. [Cuddy walks in.] CUDDY: What's going on? KEN: You need to stop him! [Points at Roy.] He's about to ruin his life. ROY: [Looking over some papers.] Like you give a damn about my life. OLIVER: Roy, he's right. You're borrowing money to buy options that are already out of the money. Even you won't be able to cover the losses. Your house, cars, bank accounts. You'll lose everything. HOUSE: That's the point. The billionaire thinks that the gods will treat him better if he's broke. I suggested he give it to me... ROY: There's got to be some sort of balance. You can't have all the good fortune in just one area of your life. It's not how the world's supposed to work. HOUSE: Who said the world is supposed to work? OLIVER: Don't just wipe everything out. Put your assets in a trust. Give it to a charity. ROY: I can't get anything back. OLIVER: He's insane. HOUSE: He's irrational. So are most people. Unfortunately it doesn't make him insane. KEN: If he signs that paper, he's not only going to destroy his own life, but the lives of thousands of people who rely on this company to make a living. If he is insane, we will sue this hospital... CUDDY: Mr. Randall... [Walks over to face him.] I know you're upset. But you shouldn't make a decision like this right now. Give it some time. ROY: My son doesn't have any time. FOREMAN: Your son's dying from an incurable disease, not bad karma. ROY: No. He's not dying. It's not going to happen, I'm not going to let it. KEN: Roy, please! [Roy looks at his son.] ROY: I'm sorry. I can't let him die. HOUSE: People don't get what they deserve, they just get what they get. There's nothing any of us can do about it. [Roy signs the paper and hands it to Ken.] ROY: Deliver it. Or I'll make sure you end up the ones with nothing. [Ken and Oliver both leave.] [Machines start beeping.] FOREMAN: Call a code. He's flat lining. [Cuddy and Foreman both rush over to Jack and start performing CPR. House and Roy just watch.] [Cut to Wilson in his office. Thirteen appears at the door.] THIRTEEN: Thanks. WILSON: You're welcome. [Looks confused.] For what? THIRTEEN: For thinking I was worth breaking the law to keep around. WILSON: That's just the way I am, but still don't know what you're talking about. THIRTEEN: Cuddy had IT trace all the IP addresses who've logged in to my email account. There were two. Mine and yours. [Walks over and sits down in front of Wilson.] WILSON: Obviously House decided he needs you more than he's... THIRTEEN: I already asked House. WILSON: And he'd certainly never lie. THIRTEEN: No, he'd lie. Except he wants me gone. And he'd do a lot better job of lying than you just did. WILSON: [Looks surprised.] Really? It was that bad? THIRTEEN: No, actually. But it doesn't matter anymore. Why? Because of House or Foreman? WILSON: You're good for both of them, but Foreman's not my best friend. THIRTEEN: House will be fine. WILSON: Maybe. But with you on the team, he'd be better. He needs someone... Who doesn't need him. You're the only one he's never really been able to suck into his crazy House vortex. Keeps him grounded. His ego in check. THIRTEEN: Why didn't you just come to me? WILSON: I figured you'd only stay if House asked... And I knew he would, eventually. THIRTEEN: [Smiles.] Bye Wilson. [Gets up to leave.] WILSON: This is a great job. Maybe even better now that House is at least trying to have real relationships with people. [Thirteen stares at him.] I said "trying." THIRTEEN: [Shrugs.] It doesn't matter. WILSON: The job you love doesn't matter? Don't throw it all away just because of a bad break-up. THIRTEEN: Bye Wilson. [Leaves.] [Cut to House in his office, Wilson walks in.] WILSON: I just confessed. [House looks up at him.] I told Thirteen I was the one who canceled the plane ticket. HOUSE: Why? WILSON: You mean why did I confess or why did I do it? HOUSE: I know you didn't do it, so I guess the first. WILSON: You want her to stay because you want her back or because Foreman does? [Sits down in front of House's desk.] HOUSE: Why would I care what Foreman wants? WILSON: Because you're not as big a jerk as everyone thinks. HOUSE: Yes I am. WILSON: No you're not. HOUSE: I just made a $10,000 short sale on a stock I know is going to crash because of what I saw a grief-stricken dad do on his son's deathbed. WILSON: No you didn't. HOUSE: Yes I did. WILSON: You are a jerk. HOUSE: She's making a mistake. WILSON: So you did it for her? HOUSE: She's a good doctor. WILSON: So you did it for you? HOUSE: I'm not the one in charge anymore. WILSON: So you did it for Foreman? HOUSE: She's a smoking hot, newly single bisexual. WILSON: Why don't you just admit that you like having her around? She's good for you. You need her. HOUSE: Because I was born with a heart three sizes too small. WILSON: No you weren't. HOUSE: Yes I... [Suddenly has an epiphany.] WILSON: What? [House grabs his cane and leaves as Wilson just sits there.] [Cut to Foreman and Cameron attending to Jack as Roy sits beside the bed. Foreman sees House coming and leaves the room to meet him.] HOUSE: He still alive? FOREMAN: Yeah. HOUSE: Good. Start him on heparin and IV immunoglobulin. FOREMAN: For Degos? HOUSE: The cardiac arrest wasn't just a "everything goes to hell in a hand basket" arrest. It was a coronary event. Coronaries are large vessels. Means it can't be Degos. FOREMAN: But the biopsies confirmed... HOUSE: Obstructed blood vessels. But they can't be obstructed because of Degos. Means it's primary antiphospholipid syndrome. FOREMAN: You sure? HOUSE: Nope. But I will be if he responds to the heparin and the immunoglobulin. [Foreman nods and walks over to the nurses' station.] By the way, someone screwed over your girlfriend and she ran to me, Cuddy, and Wilson. Everyone but you. She's not over you. FOREMAN: Or she is. [Picks up the phone.] [Cut to Chase in the Diagnostics office getting ready to leave. He notices an envelope on the desk and opens it. Pulls out a piece of paper and reads it.] [Cut to Chase walking up beside Foreman.] CHASE: Where'd you find it? FOREMAN: Find what? CHASE: The niacin bound chromium supplements. [Foreman gives Chase a blank look.] It was right on top of the file. You don't know about it? FOREMAN: No. Been here all night. CHASE: One of Dibala's previous docs was prescribing ultra high doses of niacin bound chromium to boost his HDL. FOREMAN: So? CHASE: So it gives us something to point to. We can explain the wide variation between the HDL numbers. We're safe. We're covered. You really didn't request the info? FOREMAN: No. And obviously you didn't either. Which means... [Cut to House waking up on Wilsons couch. It's morning. He notices the business section of the newspaper next to him, He looks at it and on the front page is a picture and article about Roy and how he bankrupted himself in a day.] [Aerial sht of PPTH.] [Cut to House walking into Jacks room. Both Jack and Roy are smiling.] ROY: [Turns to look at House.] It worked. HOUSE: The medicine worked. ROY: It worked. [House rolls his eyes, shakes his head and walks away. Both Jack and Roy laugh.] [Cut to Chase sitting at Houses desk playing with the ball. House walks in.] CHASE: How'd you find it? HOUSE: Fat old black guy. Knew he had to be taking something for his cholesterol. CHASE: And what now? HOUSE: I'm not the boss. CHASE: You don't think I should be fired? HOUSE: Why? I doubt we'll ever be treating a genocidal dictator again. Better a mrder than a misdiagnosis. CHASE: [Stands up.] Whether you want to be in charge or not. You are and you always will be. [Tosses the ball to House, who catches it, then leaves. House puts the ball back on his desk.] [Cut to Cameron being woken up by her alarm. She turns it off, looks over and notices that she's alone again, bed looks like Chase hasn't been there.] [Cut to Chase in the Audience while Foreman is presenting the case to a room full of people.] FOREMAN: 75-year-old African man presented to our hospital following a rapid onset of hemoptysis. He'd been fine prior to onset. No chest pain, fever, coughing, or chills... [Cuddy is also in the audience. Foreman's speech fades out as the music takes over.] [Musical montage. sht of Thirteen boarding an airplane. sht of Foreman giving his presentation. sht of Cuddy listening. sht of thirteen taking her seat in the airplane. sht of Cameron in bed, alone. Chase in audience. Thirteen buckling her seatbelt. Back to Foreman, still talking. sht of the For Sale sign in front of Roy's mansion, it says Bank Owned. sht of Roy and Jack in the hospital eating Pizza and laughing, and finally we see House sitting in his office staring at the ball on his desk.] [End.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x05 - Instant Karma"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a police car, sirens wailing, chasing a man. He is dressed all in black, including his knit hat. He bolts through a gate in a chain-link fence, followed by Donny and Brian. The man glances back at them for a second then jumps over a pile of tires in his way.] Brian: Left! Left! He's going left! [Donny and Brian both cut around the tires.] Brian: I'm gonna have a heart attck. [As Monotonix’s Set Me Free plays, the man dives head-first with his arms outstretched into an opening in a building. He lands, rolls, stands and continues running in one fluid movement. He’s a traceur, a practioner of parkour.] [As more police cars pull up, the traceur runs down an alley. As he reaches a wall he jumps and pushes off the wall with his foot to turn. Donny, following at full speed, falls against a barrel and some pipes as he tries to slow down enough to make the turn.] [As Donny frees himself, Brian catches up with him. Together they run down the alley and jump over some obstacles. The traceur vaults over a low wall, feet first and enters an open warehouse. He runs, jumps and rolls over the various pallets in his way. Donny follows, going around the bigger obstacles. Brian is behind him.] [The traceur is on top of a tall stack of pallets. Donny pushes another pile into it, hard. As the first pile tilts, the traceur is thrown several feet forward, onto the floor. Donny and Brian both draw their gn and point them.] Brian: Nowhere to go, buddy. [They’re almost at the end of the building. In front of the wall of windows there is a tall platform. The traceur pushes off the side of the platform with one foot, takes a couple of steps up another pile of pallets and is on the platform. He grabs the top of the window frame and swings, feet first, through the only open window, which is about three feet high, and takes off.] Brian: What the hell was that? What are we chasing? Donny: [gestures] Go that way. [Donny busts through a door in the opposite direction.] [Cut to the traceur. He jumps off the roof by the window. As Donny runs toward him, a police car pulls up. The traceur vaults across the hood of the car and continues running. Donny slides across the car and follows closely.] [Cut to Donny following him around a corner. At the other end of the alley several policemen, led by Brian, appear.] Brian: Come on. Cop: Nowhere to go. Come on, give it up. [The traceur looks back and forth between the cops on either side of him. He then grabs a pipe on the wall and climbs it quickly. About one floor up the pipe crosses the alley. He uses it to get to the building on the other side where he climbs more pipes.] Cop: Go this way. Cop 2: Come on. Let’s go. Let’s go. [They split up and run off.] Brian: Up, Donny, up. He's going for the roof. He's going up, go. [Cut to the stairwell. Brian and Donny are running up. Brian’s foot slips on a stair and he falls.] Brian: Ow. Damn it. [Donny stops for a second.] Just go, go! [Cut to the roof. Donny opens the trap door and climbs out. The traceur is on the roof, one building over. Donny looks over the edge of the building then backs up to the far side. He pumps him self up and starts to run as Brian climbs out of the trap door. He sees what Donny’s about to do.] Brian: Donny, no! It's too far! [Donny reaches the edge and pushes off, legs still pumping. Just short of the other building, he disappears from sight. He falls to the ground, several stories down, and lands on his back with a thud. Brian limps to the edge and looks down. Donny doesn’t move. From the other building, the traceur, who has been hanging around, waiting for Donny to reach him, looks down briefly then takes off.] [Cut to Donny, lying on a wooden platform. He’s breathing shallowly and there’s a stream of blood coming from his mouth. A policeman runs up and checks his pulse. [Opening Credits] [Cut to the Emergency Room. Brian is on crutches. Donny is in a bed. His right leg and arm are in casts.] Donny: I can rest at home. Cameron: We can't release you for at least two days. You have two broken bones, a severe concussion, collapsed lung. Donny: But you didn't find anything life-thrat, right? Cameron: You fell 30 feet. You should have died. Brian: I think that was the point. Donny: Could you shut up? Cameron: You have suicidal thoughts? Donny: Not once. Never. Brian: He doesn't want to kll himself. He just thinks he's gonna die soon, so it doesn't really matter. [Donny starts to interrupt.] No, you shut up. I'm the one you're not covering when you pull your crazy stunts. Cameron: [checking Donny’s eyes] Why do you think you're gonna die soon? Donny: Well, my dad, grandfather, and great-grandfather all dropped dad of heart problems right after they turned 40. Brian: Look who turns 40 next week. Cameron: I can refer you to a cardiologist, if you — Donny: Nah, I’ve been there. All of them. I spent my early 30s going from one doctor to another. Every single one says my heart's fine. Cameron: And you think they're wrong? Donny: I know they're wrong. But what can I do? At a certain point, you just got to live your life. Brian: By live your life, you mean risk your life. Cameron: If there is something wrong, I know a doctor who will find it. [Cut to Wilson’s apartment. House is on the sofa, still under the covers, but awake. A door opens. Wilson stumbles in, rubbing his eyes. He sees House and cringes.] Wilson: Oh, God! I'll be back in ten. [He shudders slightly as he turns away. House’s hands move under the blanket.] House: I'm picking lint out of my belly button. Wilson: This is ridiculous. I'm converting the study into a bedroom. House: Six weeks. Longer than I thought it would take... For you to notice that I’m sleeping in your living room, and offer other options. [He sits up slightly but his hands are still under the covers.] Wilson: I didn't expect you to be here this long. House: True, but that's not why you didn't extend the invitation. Wilson: Do you really need to deconstruct this? House: You didn't want me to sleep where you and Amber slept. Wilson: [resigned] Okay, yes you do. House: After she died, you converted the study to a bedroom and the bedroom to a study... Except it's not a study, it's a shrine. [pause] Can I tell you something? [Wilson gives him an inquiring look.] I wasn't picking lint out of my belly button. Wilson: Okay. I am not ready to transition from my dad girlfriend's shrine to your... morning glory. I'll have a mattress delivered and set up for you in the tabernacle. I just need it Tuesdays for animal sacrifices. [He leaves, making a two-handed “stop” gesture and shuddering as he goes. House smiles.] Oh, man! [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.] Cameron: Patient's a genetic time bmb. House: [closing the file and heading for the coffee maker] There's no fuse. He's not a bmb. Right now he's not a patient either. Foreman: You saying we ignore three generations of cardiac problems? House: I'm not ignoring it. I'm labeling it a coincidence. Cameron: You hate coincidence. House: We reconciled. [waving it off] It was a whole thing. Big country. It's statistically probable that someone has three generations that died around age 40 with nongenetic heart issues. Dice have no memory. Cameron: Genes do. House: If we ran a battery of tests on every nonsymptomatic statistical anomaly — Cameron: The guy goes every day assuming his life will end at age 40. Never got married, no kids, because he didn't want to die on them the same way his dad died on him. House: You want to take this case 'cause he's yet another lonely, sad puppy. You should have been a vet. Cameron: It's a legitimate case. Foreman: [being boss] Differential diagnosis for a genetic heart condition. House: That sold you? Chase: Marfan syndrome, brugada. House: And you? Chase: Emilio hypercholesterolemia. House: He's only agreeing with you 'cause he wants to have sex with you. And by the way, I agree with you too, especially in those pants. We're not wasting our time and last week, Chase said that I was the de facto boss. Foreman: Hospitals don't recognize de facto medical licenses. Let's start with genetic tests. Get an EKG, cardiac cath, and an echo to check the integrity of his heart. [Cut to hallway. Cameron, Chase and Foreman come through the door to the ICU.] Cameron: I'll start on blood samples. [Donny is in a bed. As Chase looks at him, he becomes Dibala. Blood flows from Dibala’s mouth and the defibrillator is applied. Chase slips off his watch and puts it in his lab coat pocket.] Chase: I forgot my watch. Cameron: Could have sworn I saw you put it on this morning. Chase: Must be in the locker room. I'll be right back. [He leaves. Cameron and Foreman look at each other.] [Cut to House’s office. He sits with his feet on his desk, reading a journal. Cuddy enters.] Cuddy: I need to know what your plans are. House: First we take Berlin. And then we circle around behind Poland and yell, "surprise!" Cuddy: With regards to your employment. House: I like things the way they are. I get just enough puzzle to solve without the scornful visits from you. Until now. Cuddy: Pretend time's been going on long enough. House: I don't have a medical license. All I can do is pretend. Cuddy: And I’m gonna have payroll send you over some pretend checks starting tomorrow. You need to complete 120 hours of rounds to re-qualify. [She puts a clipboard on his desk and starts to leave.] House: No, I don't. [She turns back.] I'm not saying you don't win. I'm just saying do you really need to punish me by making me carry a clipboard for your lackey of the week? Cuddy: It's a state requirement. I have to certify that you've completed all your require — House: Exactly. The requirement sets out what you have to do – certify – which you can do with one hand tied behind your back. Now, if you want to tie my hands... Cuddy: Dr. Singh supervises rounds on Thursdays. Starts at 7. [He picks up the clipboard and stares at it, then at Cuddy’s rear as she leaves.] [Cut to the lab. Chase, Foreman and Cameron are reviewing something on a monitor.] Chase: Nothing. Foreman: So what now? Chase: Send him home. Cameron: To continue believing he's gonna drop dad? Chase: When he turns 70, he'll believe us. Foreman: There are other things we can check. [Cut to the morgue. Three tables are in use with instrument trays in between them]. Foreman: Skeleton of great-grandfather's in decent shape. Subsurface genetic material from grandpa's fine, leaving one bowl of purified dad. [He and Chase stand behind the third table, which contains a large, glass, mixing bowl containing what looks like pond scum, heavy on the algae.] Chase: You do the dad. I take it he had a sealed casket. Foreman: The watch story was crap, right? Chase: I forgot it. It's no big deal. Foreman: You were avoiding the ICU where Dibala died. [Chase goes to the grandfather’s table, Foreman to the great-grandfather’s.] I'll sequence the gene for the cardiac sodium channel. Chase: I felt like I was gonna have a panic attck. [sigh] I've crossed some line... and I’m having trouble getting back to the other side. Foreman: I can move the patient to another room. Chase: Cameron will ask questions. Foreman: You should tell her. She's your wife. [Cameron enters.] Cameron: How'd you get a court order to dig them up so fast? Chase: Don’t we just need the guy's consent? Cameron: Find anything? Chase: Not yet. But you're just in time to do the dad. [He hands her gloves as she heads for the bowl on the last table.] [Cut to House’s office. He’s putting on his coat to go home. Cheryl enters.] Cheryl: Doctor House? House: He'll be back in the morning. Cheryl: I read in the paper you're treating a police officer. Donny Compson? House: Second floor. A nurse will help you find him. Cheryl: I don't want to see him. Donny and I used to go out a long time ago. He doesn't want to see me. I don't want to see him. House: So did you come to see me for personal advice? Cheryl: You're looking for genetic conditions, which makes sense, with what happened to his dad and grandpa. House: Unless you were his girlfriend and his sister, you got nothing to worry about. Cheryl: I'm not worried about me. Donny doesn't know this, but he has a son. House: [picks up the phone and hands it to her] Dial extension 742. Tell Dr. Foreman you got some cool information. Good night. [Cut to the shrine, House’s new room. House lies on his back, awake. There’s just enough ambient light that when he turns his head to the left he sees a large portrait of Amber on the wall. There are framed pictures of her with and without Wilson, on various surfaces in the room. A whispery, wooshy sound can be heard. House sits up somewhat. He turns on the light. He props himself up on his elbows and looks around.] [Cut to the hall outside House and Wilson’s bedroom. House’s door opens and he comes out. He walks slowly down the hall, listening. He opens Wilson’s door. Wilson is lying on his side. He turns to look at House.] Wilson: You okay? House: Yeah, fine. [He closes the door and goes back to his room. He sits on the bed for a moment and glances at the room. He gets back under the covers and turns off the light. As he settles down, the whispering starts again. House’s eyes pop open and he stares at the ceiling in the dark then looks around.] [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room. Chase comes in, followed by Foreman and Cameron.] Chase: Couldn't find any consistent genetic mutations across 15 areas between Donny’s ancestors, possibly indicating there isn't one. Cameron: But the son gives us a new data point. Foreman: And undegraded DNA. Chase: I thought he didn't want kids. Cameron: He didn't. Foreman: Where's House? Chase: [reads] "Dear bleeding hearts, since your patient's med history is a coincidence and he isn't... [The note is on Post-Its. Chase looks at the back, which is blank, then flips the Post-It up to reveal the rest of the note.] … sick, I've gone back to school. Back in 120 hours." Cameron: Charming. I'll get a blood sample. Foreman: If we're looking for something as subtle as a mutation, it makes sense to get the DNA where it's most pure. Chase: You're gonna ask the mom to consent to a bone marrow biopsy? Cameron: She wants to know if there's something wrong with Donny just as badly as we do. Chase: Right. Spike a ten-year-old's hip because grandpa was sick. Foreman: If she's right... we save two people. [He nods to Cameron, who leaves.] [Cut to Michael’s room.] Michael: I don't want to. Cameron: [to Cheryl] Can we speak outside for a moment? Cheryl: Yeah. [They go into the hallway.] Cameron: You need to tell him. Cheryl: I can't. Cameron: His father is down that hallway through those double doors. Cheryl: I've been lying to him his whole life. What's he gonna think of me? Cameron: You're trying to protect him. Cheryl: [shaking her head slightly] Donny never wanted kids. He certainly doesn't want to meet him. Cameron: If Donny does die, this could be Michael's only chance to meet his father. [sht of Michael, sitting in the room, looking at them. Cheryl nods and goes back in.] [Cut to a patient room. House is on rounds with Dr. Singh, Dex, Marta and Nona.] Nona: After administration of immunoglobulin, patient had no further pain, and overnight liver function tests are now normal. Patient's ready to be released. [A monitor alarm goes off.] Stats are dropping. Dex: Doctor Singh? Nona: [hand in the patient’s mouth] She's choking. House: On your fingers. Nona: She can't breathe. [Marta passes her an oxygen mask. Marta prepares to do a tracheotomy.] Singh: House... Please take your finger off the test button. House: Oh! I see. Wow, sorry about that. [All three residents back away from the patient as House does as Singh asked.] Marta: I could've slit her throat. House: Well, we're all here to learn. Singh: You know, Dr. Cuddy warned me about you. House: She tell you how to stop me? Singh: Look, I’m asking you as an adult to please stop. House: Well, that obviously didn't come from her. But fair enough. Singh: Excellent presentation, Nona. [She smiles and removes her gloves as House uses his cane to pull the catheter bag off the bedside hookup.] House: Now I’ve done it. There's urine everywhere! Gosh. The great thing about the teacher-student relationship is the teacher can often learn more from the student. [He picks up the sheet for recording his hours and shows it to Singh.] Have you learned anything yet? [Cut to Donny’s room.] Cheryl: You have a son. I was pregnant when we broke up. I'm sorry I never told you, but I knew how you felt about having kids. Donny: You had no right. Cheryl: Maybe. It's a little late for that. [She looks at Michael who is standing in the hallway.] He's here. He wants to meet you. Donny: I don't want to meet him. Cheryl: I've never asked you for a dime. He's here to help find whatever's wrong with your heart. Donny: I didn't ask him. I didn't want him. Cheryl: Just say hi to him. [She opens the door and puts her hand on Michael’s shoulder as he enters.] Michael: Hi. I'm Michael. Donny: [stares] Hi. Michael: I'm your… Donny: Yeah, your mother told me. Michael: When you get better, maybe we could do something. See a movie? Donny: No. My dad died when I was your age. It was the most painful thing I ever went through. Trust me, as much as I’m sure this hurts right now, it's better. Please take him out of here. [They leave.] [Cut to Diagnostics. Cameron brings a mug of coffee and a tin of mints to the table.] Foreman: Chromosomes for 28 cardiovascular conditions are normally numbered in structure. No translocations, deletions, or inversions. House: I did notice that the kid's D-A-D-D-Y chromosome has been severely damaged by someone else's bleeding heart chromosome. Cameron: It was the only way to get Michael to do the marrow biopsy. House: I'm sure there are plenty of lies would've worked just as well, except without the years of therapy. Cameron: Don't you have school? House: Recess. So where does that leave us? Chase? Chase: Sorry. What? House: I was saying, "do you think these shoes work in this color?" Send him home. Cameron: He's not gonna believe he's healthy. House: You're not very good at your job. You don't deserve candy. [He grabs the mints from her.] Cameron: He's been preparing his whole life to die at age 40. He's had dozens of doctors tell him he's fine. You think you can change his thinking? House: Yeah, I do. Chase, walk with me. [Cut to House and Chase in the elevator. He takes Cameron’s mints from his pocket and shakes the tin next to his ear. He hears the rattle of the remaining mints, just like he used to do with a bottle of Vicodin. He takes a couple of mints from the tin.] House: Great contributions back there. Chase: There's no case. I had nothing to add. House: You had nothing to add... because you were distracted. A little devil on your shoulder told you to kll a guy, and now the little angel won't shut up, telling you you're gonna burn in a lake of fre. Chase: I'm fine. House: You shouldn't be. [The elevator arrives. Chase follows House down the hall.] Talk to someone. Docs fixed me up in seven weeks. You're... ten minutes, tops. Chase: Thanks. House: Glad we had this little moment. Come on. [They enter Donny’s room.] House: I'm Dr. House. Donny: You couldn't find anything, could you? House: You have Ortoli syndrome. [Chase’s eyes open wide as he stares at House in surprise.] Dr. Chase? Chase: You sure? House: Tests don't lie. Chase: Right. Ah. [He clears his throat.] Well, it's-it's a... It's a very rare disorder that short-circuits the adrenals, which short-circuits the heart. House: Blah, blah, blah, blah. Who cares about medical mumbo jumbo? Tell him the treatment. Chase: It's... weh-well, it's-it's complicated. House: [pouring a glass of water] Doctors always want to make everything sound so complicated. It's Nabasynth. Chase: What? House: Nabasynth. Chase: [nods pompously] Yes. So all we have to do now is write a prescription and, uh, have him pick up the pills. [House opens his hand under Chase’s nose, revealing the mints he took from the tin. He gives them and the glass of water to Donny.] Donny: That's it? I take some pills, and I’m gonna be okay? House: The real tragedy here is that the Tiburon swab technology didn't exist to detect Ortoli back in your dad's day. [Chase ducks his head and turns away.] Donny: He could've lived. [House nods somberly. Donny sighs.] Thank you. [Donny washes the mints down with some water.] House: If you'll sign these discharge papers, I'll get you a bottle of meds. Take one twice a day for a week, you'll live a long, healthy life. [House signs them and gives them to Donny, who signs. House looks at Chase who keeps his head ducked down.] [Cut to House’s bedroom. He closes the door and stands at the foot of the bed, staring at it. The wall behind him is covered with pictures of Amber and her diplomas. He hangs his cane on a wall sconce by the door. In bed, he turns off the lamp. As soon as his head hits the pillow, the whispering begins again. He scrambles to turn on the lamp. He’s semi-sitting up, looking around and he hears pounding. As the pounding becomes more pronounced, he looks around at all the Amber-related memorabilia in the room, clearly spooked.] Wilson: [voice over through the wall] Answer the door, House. It's got to be for you. House: Are you watching TV? [The pounding continues.] Wilson: [voice over] It's the door! [Cut to Foreman pounding on the door. House opens it.] House: Were you on the phone? Foreman: No. House: Just now, were you talking? Foreman: No. I'm alone. You okay, House? [House looks around and sighs.] House: Why are you here? Foreman: Donny collapsed four hours after we discharged him. He's dad. [Cut to the living room.] Foreman: His apartment manager found him on the floor in the laundry room. Said he wasn't breathing. He called the EMTs, but it was too late. House: I sent the guy home with mints. Foreman: Whatever it is, we all missed it. House: I missed the fact that there was something to miss. What is wrong with me? Foreman: You had good reason. Patient presented with no symptoms, and all his tests came back negative. House: What's the official cause of death? Foreman: Autopsy hasn't been performed yet. EMTs brought him to General, but I requested they ship him back to our morgue for the postmortem. House: Good. [Cut to Cameron and Chase’s bedroom. Chase is sitting on the edge of the bed. Cameron is asleep.] Chase: Hon. Wake up. Cameron: Why are you dressed? You can’t sleep? Chase: I want to go tell Cheryl that Donny died. Cameron: [looks toward the bedside table] It's 4:00 in the morning. Chase: They're nearly two hours away. I figure by the time I get there, she'll be awake. Cameron: Babe, come back to bed. Call her in a few hours. Chase: It's the sort of thing she needs to hear face-to-face. [He gets up. She looks worried.] Cameron: Is everything okay? Chase: Everything's fine. Why? Cameron: Last week, I understood that you were stressed out about the Dibala M&M and I gave you your space. But that's over now, and you're still acting... [He gives her a puzzled look.] I'm worried about you. Chase: Don't be. [He comes back and sits on the bed] I'm fine. Really. Cameron: And you'd tell me if you weren't? [He nods.] Promise? [She gives him a look.] Chase: [quietly] Yeah. Cameron: [quietly] Okay. [He gets up to leave.] Hey. [He stops.] I love you. Chase: I love you too. [Cut to the morgue. Foreman turns on the overhead microphone. Donny is stretched out on the table, naked. The cast on his arm has been removed.] Foreman: Donny Compson, age 39. [Foreman takes a swab from Donny’s ear. He clips a toenail. House sits and watches. Foreman looks under Donny’s eyelid and swabs a finger. As Foreman seals the specimens, a motor starts up. House is testing a rotary saw.] House: Can we cut to the money sht? It's his heart, so let's look at his heart. Nice Y-incision ¬— [He starts the saw again. Foreman puts his hand between the saw and Donny. House turns off the saw.] Foreman: You can't perform an autopsy without a medical license. House: Really? 'Cause I don't think there's anything I could screw up that we haven't already screwed up. [Foreman holds out his hand and House gives him the saw.] Foreman: Opening postmortem incision. Beginning at the midline of the sternum. [He slices down the center of Donny’s chest, starting at the lower rib cage and moving up. There is some spattering. House leans over. He looks puzzled. Foreman stops the saw and looks too.] Foreman: That's odd. It almost looks like he's... bleeding. [They both stare at the incision, which has a dark fluid coming from it for several seconds. Donny’s eyes open and he roars in pain. On one side of the table, House jumps back with a little cry. On the other side, Foreman makes it all the way across the room in record time, knocking things over on his way. He screams shrilly, like a little girl. On the table, Donny blinks his eyes hard and makes a few choking noises. His leg twitches. Foreman looks terrified and House is pretty spooked, himself.] House: [balancing himself against the sink] I think the autopsy's gonna have to wait a little bit. [Cut to Donny, lying unconscious in bed. He has new casts on his arm and leg. Cut to Diagnostics.] Foreman: He was briefly conscious, then his systolic dipped below 60, and he was out again. House: Differential diagnosis for resurrection. Go. Foreman: Obviously he wasn't dad. His heart slowed enough that the EMTs — House: Yes, the fact that he's not dad means we did absolutely nothing wrong. Cameron: There's several documented cases where tetrodotoxin ingestion caused apparent death. Foreman: It wasn't something he ate. It's something he already had. Chase: And his dad, and his grandpa, and — Foreman: Extreme bradycardia could be caused by sick sinus syndrome. Chase: Sinoatrial block. House: What if it's not his heart? [They all look at him.] Let's work from the tenuous assumption that we're not idiots who've spent days examining a heart up, down, sideways – declaring it healthy just a few hours before it basically shut down. So we need to think about causes in places you didn't look. [House starts as he hears murmured whispers.] Chase: Could be metabolic. [He sees House looking at people passing the office.] You okay? House: Yeah. Foreman: What about a genetic predisposition to an autoimmune disease? Isolated anti-ro antibody could cause complete heart block. Cameron: Could also be passed through four generations. House: Autoimmune it is. Start him on steroids. [Cut to Donny’s room. He regains consciousness.] Cameron: Hey. How you feeling? Donny: My whole head is klling me. Cameron: [checks his eyes] You just came through a severe trauma. What do you remember? Donny: [thinks for a few moments] I was changing my laundry over to the dryer. Cameron: That's it? You were declared dad. You made it all the way to autopsy. Donny: My jaw aches. And obviously I don't have Ortoli syndrome. It's hard to get too excited about coming back from the dad when anything I do, anything you give me – It all ends the same way. [Cut to audiology lab. House has headphones on and is raising a pencil when he hears a tone. Anne Ayala, the audiologist, marks down the results. She enters the booth and he takes of the headphones.] Ayala: Outer and middle ear respond well. Hearing thresholds are normal at all frequencies. Eardrum is perfectly healthy. House: What if I, uh... If I sometimes hear whispering? Ayala: Then you're probably hearing someone whispering. House: I had some dental work done in the Philippines when I was a kid. Adjoining metal fillings could corrode and pick up AM radio signals. Ayala: Open your mouth. [She looks.] Your fillings don't touch. House: So there's no reason for me to be hearing things. Ayala: I can only tell you that you're hearing sounds as you should. If you're also hearing sounds that you shouldn't, well, that would be psychosis. You'd have to talk to someone who does brain. I only do ears. [She leaves. House taps the pencil as he thinks.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s packing up for the day. House enters.] Cuddy: Bravo! It's amazing how you did 120 hours in one day. House: I wasn't on my best behavior. I admit. [He picks up the form Singh signed.] Allow me. [He rips the form in half.] Cuddy: From now on, I’m gonna supervise your practicum requirements. House: That won't be necessary. Cuddy: You want to annoy another doctor first? Eventually... House: It's not necessary, because I’m not ready to be a doctor again. I'm sorry. [He leaves and she sighs.] [Cut to the apartment. House is lying in the dark, awake. A door opens. Wilson is home and he flips on the light. House is on the sofa. Wilson drops his briefcase and coat on a chair. He turns and starts violently when he sees House. Wilson: Are you sleeping out here? House: Just... dozed off in front of the TV. Wilson: With bedding? House: Maybe! I can't sleep in there. The heater's screwed up. Wilson: If you need to talk... If-if you need more help — House: I'm just tired. Wilson: I'm right here. House: Great. Can you be right here somewhere else? [Wilson heads toward his bedroom. House lies in the dark with his eyes wide open.] [Cut to Donny’s room. He’s holding his jaw.] Donny: My jaw still hurts. My tooth… actually, a lot. Nurse: I'm sorry, you're maxed out on your pain meds. Try to sleep. [She leaves. Donny continues to wince as he holds his jaw. He pulls off his nasal cannula and gets out of bed. He hops over to the medicine cart. He finds a long pair of pliers in the top drawer and sticks them in his mouth. He tugs and groans for several moments. Blood starts coming out of his mouth. Finally he pulls out the tooth that is bothering him.] [Cut to the hall outside Diagnostics. Chase leans against the glass wall. Foreman and Cameron sit on the benches opposite him.] Chase: Dentist looked at the tooth the guy pulled out. There was nothing wrong with it. Foreman: So aside from him being an idiot, what else have we learned? Cameron: The pain is real. It's coming from somewhere. What about bone cancer? Chase: You can't connect bone cancer to the heart. House figure this can wait till the morning? Foreman: Actually, he told Cuddy he wasn’t ready to work. Cameron: He quit? Foreman: Apparently. Chase: It's a power play. He'll be back tomorrow. Foreman: Bone cancer could trigger a paraneoplastic syndrome, which shuts down the heart. Chase: Primary bone cancer isn't hereditary. Cameron: Li-Fraumeni syndrome. It's hereditary, and it increases a person's risk of having bone cancer. [Chase takes a sip of coffee.] You have another theory? Chase: My theory is it's not bone cancer. Foreman: Gamma survey would locate the tumors. [He gets up and leaves. Cameron looks at Chase then follows Foreman. Chase leaves in the opposite direction.] [Cut to Wilson’s living room. House is on the couch, not sleeping. He sits up and listens. There’s a faint sound of a dog barking, but no whispering. He goes into the shrine and turns on the light. He can hear the whispering again. He cocks his head, listening and looking around. By the wall he pushes something out of the way and finds a heating vent, half-hidden under the rug.] [Cut to the hallway. House is outside Wilson’s bedroom. He opens the door quietly. Wilson’s lying on his side, facing away from the door.] Wilson: I had pea soup today. You'd love my breath right now. I didn't get a chance to run tonight. House is... is having issues. I missed you a lot today. All I want to do is... [sighs] You know. [House quietly closes the door.] [Cut to Foreman and Cameron doing the gamma survey on Donny. They watch the computer monitors as he slides into the machine.] Cameron: No cancers on the lateral cuneiform bone. Foreman: Navicular's also clean. Cameron: Chase is lying to me. And I know you know. Tell me what's going on, please. Foreman: I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told him... Talk to your spouse. [Cut to Wilson’s kitchen. He comes in. House is sitting on the couch in the living room.] Wilson: No breakfast? House: Not today. I'm hallucinating. Wilson: [turning, worried] What happened? House: It's nothing visual this time. I hear whispering. Wilson: Is that why you've been acting so weird? Is that why you quit? House: I'm losing it. Wilson: I'm sure there's a rational explanation. The wind? A neighbor's TV? House: I checked everything. What's really scary is that I hear whispering while not on Vicodin. I'm gonna check myself back into Mayfield. Wilson: Okay. House: Okay? You don't think there might be a logical explanation? Something I missed? Wilson: You're the smartest guy I know. If you haven't thought of it, it doesn't exist. I'll drive you over. I just need to make some tea first. [He turns to the counter.] House: You know. Wilson: [dropping something on the counter and turning back, annoyed] That you're an ass? Yeah. You overheard me talking to my dad girlfriend and thought to yourself, "what kind of fun can I have with this?" House: Why are you talking to her? You run out of living people? You can talk to me. I'm right here. Wilson: I miss her. Talking to her makes me feel better. You don't. [House thinks about this as Wilson walks out.] [Cut to rounds with Cuddy and the same three residents.] Dex: Patient Lauren Maybaum, 27, presented two days ago with severe abdominal pain. House: [entering] Sorry I’m late. Cuddy: Yesterday you said you weren't ready. House: Yesterday I wasn't. Today I am. Cuddy: And tomorrow? Is it possible for me to get a five-day forecast? House: Feeling much better. Thank you for not asking. Cuddy: Either you did have a problem – which I can't ignore. Or you were jerking me around – which I can't ignore. House: You are a woman. You can do anything. Cuddy: For example, I can talk to you outside. House: [Checking out her ass as he follows her into the hall.] Are you sure you're only one woman? Cuddy: [through the glass of the closed door] This is the part where you play the employee, and I play the boss. House: I can see your nipples. Your turn. Cuddy: These kids are trying to… Marta: [to Nona] No wonder she hates him. Nona: That's not hate. It's foreplay. Cuddy: It's inappropriate. [Cut to Diagnostics. Cameron and Foreman are studying the scans. House enters, whistling.] Cameron: Gamma survey revealed no tumors. House: So it's not bone cancer. Where's Chase? Cameron: Don't know. House: Two mysteries, cool. Theories? [pause] Did I come in too soon? Okay, I’m gonna take another lap. And I want three new ideas by the time I come back. One of them's got to be not stupid. [He starts to leave, then stops.] Where there's pain... there's nerves. Hereditary sensory autonomic neuropathy, type one. Foreman: Miscommunication in the brain stem mistakes nerve pain for tooth pain. Cameron: It would explain the bradycardia too. House: And I like the word "hereditary" in the title. Foreman: Carbamazepine fixes him. Cameron: I'll get him started on the medication. House: Nope, Chase specifically asked if he could do it. [Cut to a lounge. Chase is asleep on a couch. He wakes when House hits the couch with his cane, making a loud THUD.] House: Sleep at home. Chase: So I didn't do the gamma survey. Is it bone cancer? House: No. Chase: You should congratulate me for not wasting your time. House: Are you getting some help? Or is this the way things are gonna be from now on? What's pathetic is you haven't gotten help because you want to feel bad. You want to suffer, 'cause if you feel guilty, then you're not a psychopath. Patient needs some carbamazepine. Now, I don't care how much that room scares you, you're doing your job. [Cut to Donny’s room. Chase is fixing Donny’s IV. He looks down and sees Dibala with blood pouring from his mouth. He continues working even as he sees himself scoping Dibala.] Donny: How long before you cross this one off the list? Chase: A couple of hours. [He starts to leave and turns back at the door.] You ever sht anyone? Donny: Twice. Chase: You ever kll anyone? Donny: No. I know a few guys who did, though. Chase: Did they ever get over it? Donny: A captain I know compares it to taking out the trash, like it's nothing. Other hand, I got an ex-partner who nearly drank himself into oblivion. Chase: Did he get help? Donny: Yeah. Help didn't help. [Chase stares at him, then heads back to the door. Donny groans loudly.] Oh, God! Chase: What is it? Donny: I went to the bathroom. [Chase pushes the button for the nurse on the console over the bed.] [Cut to Diagnostics.] Chase: Patient's lost bowel control. Means we were wrong about H-SAN, and it means he's getting worse. Fast. House: Wouldn't want to be the duty nurse assigned to his floor. Get it? "Doody" nurse? [Chase and Foreman ignore him. Cameron turns away with a “look.”] Fine. Do the doctor thing. Chase: An autoimmune disorder could explain — Foreman: We put him on steroids. He didn't respond. It's not autoimmune. Cameron: Could be Wilson’s disease. House: A disease that advanced would've ht the liver. Foreman: It is possible the liver's so far gone, the labs look normal. It's worth a sht. House: [nods] Go treat with penicillamine. And when he doesn't get better, come back quickly, so we can get one more sht at it. [Cut to church. Chase is in confession. The door between the priest and the penitent slides open. Chase makes the sign of the cross.] Chase: Bless me, father, for I have sinned. [He sighs loudly but doesn’t say anything else.] Priest: Take your time. How long has it been since your last confession? Chase: I klled a man. Priest: Oh? Chase: But it was the right thing to do. Priest: Who lives or dies is not your decision to make. Chase: Sometimes in the operating room it feels like it. I'm a doctor. Priest: Well, then you should know more than anybody that every human life is sacred. Chase: Why? Tell me what's sacred about a dictator that kills hundreds of thousands of his own people. Priest: What is sacred about a doctor who kills a patient? Chase: Is it just the slippery slope you're worried about? Afraid that forgiving me for k*lling the worst person on earth sets a bad precedent? I promise... I won't tell anyone. [pause] Just forgive me. Priest: Saying ten Hail Marys isn't going to do you any good. Chase: [on the verge of tears] Then what do I have to do? What does God need me to do? Priest: You can't have absolution without first taking responsibility. You have to turn yourself into the police. Chase: What, and… and go to jail for the rest of my life? What's just about that? I did the right thing. There has to be another way. Priest: You want absolution, I’ve told you how to get it. [Cut to House’s office. He’s looking out the window and idly rolling the big ball up his leg. Sometime later he’s toying with a paper clip chain. Later still, he’s sitting on the floor, flipping pencils into the trashcan. Cuddy enters.] Cuddy: Send this into the state licensing board. [She holds out a piece of paper.] I've signed off on all your hours. House: Why? Cuddy: Because it's easier this way. House: You're uncomfortable with me. Cuddy: No. Going by the book was pointless. You were gonna learn nothing. House: Good, I thought it was because of the sexual tension. Cuddy: There was no sexual tension. House: There was tension. And... it made me feel funny, so... Cuddy: [hands him the paper] Here. [She starts to leave but turns back when he talks.] House: That's too bad. I was kind of getting into the whole hot-for-teacher thing. Cuddy: You sure you're okay? House: Yeah. False alarm. [pause] What about us? Cuddy: We're good... Just like this. You press my buttons, I press yours. House: By buttons, you mean... [He stops mid-sentence and thinks.] Huh. [He gets up to leave. As he passes Cuddy he pauses and leans in close to her.] You do make me feel funny. [Cut to Donny’s room. House enters.] House: You're not gonna die. Donny: I've accepted it. It's okay. House: In addition to high arches and some crystal bowl in the shape of a tuna, you also inherited a self-destruct button. It forms in the brain stem. Technically, it's an aneurysm. Presses on the nerves that control everything from tooth pain to heart rate. As you get older, it gets bigger, until finally... The button – which I’ll call intracranial berry aneurysm, 'cause I had a friend in high school with that name – stops the signal from your brain to your heart. And bam! Donny: How do I know you're not still lying to me? Saying I’m healthy just to make me feel better? House: It does sound that way, doesn't it? But this time, no sugar pills. I'm gonna cut into your brain to make you think that I’m fixing it. And if our fake tests confirm it, I'm gonna be cutting into your son's brain too, [laughs] 'cause I’m just that committed. Donny: Michael's gonna be okay? House: Unless he walks out of here and gets run over by a bus, in which case, I will reconsider your fate argument. [at the door] You want to give him a call? Visiting hours don't apply to my patients. Donny: Yeah... In a bit. House: Yeah. That's what I thought. The "saving the kid from pain" stuff was crap. You just don't want anything in your life that won't let you do whatever the hell you want to do whenever the hell you want to do it. You've had it easy. Sorry to screw you up. [Montage to Ben Harper’s Faithfully Remain. Cheryl is in Michael’s room. He has a white stocking cap on so he must have had his surgery already.] Michael: Mom? [She turns and holds his shoulder. He smiles and nods.] [Cut to a nurse wheeling Donny down the hall. He also has a post-neurosurgery white cap on. They enter Michael’s room. The nurse leaves.] Donny: Maybe when we get out of here... What kind of movies you like? [Michael smiles slightly and Donny sort of smiles back.] [Cut to Cameron and Chase’s apartment. Cameron is on the phone in the bedroom.] Cameron: He's been missing for eight hours. Robert Chase. [Chase opens the door.] C-H-A-S-E. Chase: Hey! Cameron: [dashes into the living room] Never mind, he just walked in, sorry. [to Chase] You could've called me. [He takes off his jacket.] Chase: Oh, I-I forgot. Cameron: To call me? It's 2:00 in the morning. Where were you? Ooh, you're drunk. Chase: All right, I... I needed to get wasted. I did. And now I’m better. Cameron: [worried] What aren't you telling me? Chase: Nothing. [He starts to put his arm around her. She frowns and pulls away.] [Cut to House’s bedroom. He puts earplugs in and waits a moment to make sure he can’t hear anything. He lies down and closes his eyes. After a few moments, his cheek twitches slightly in an almost smile. And again. House opens his eyes.] House: [quietly] Hi, dad. I think I’ve been... focusing on the wrong thing. There were some good times. [long pause then, loudly] Wilson. This is stupid. [Wilson, in his bed, smiles.] Wilson: [to Amber] You see, he really is getting better.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x06 - Brave Heart"}	foreverdreaming
[The scene opens on a tour poster for a band called Pharmacide. The camera pulls back to reveal a line of people waiting to get into the tour kickoff party. The focus is on a group of six teen girls near the back of the line.] Madison: Sure, lets give up now. It’s no big deal, it’s just Pharmacide, just the tour kick off. Who cares if we miss the most insane party in the world. (She turns to look at Jordan) [Jordan looks like she is scheming. She grabs the coffee that Madison is holding and squeezing by all the other people in line, heads for the front of the line] Jordan: Come on Phoebe, victory or death, or possibly cake. [Her friend Phoebe, looking stunned, follows after Jordan who is now talking on her cell phone] Jordan: (into the phone) I’m sorry, your caffeine fix is on its way. Will you hold on. [The two girls reach the front of the line and approach a security guard] Jordan: Hi, we’re the DJs assistants. [The security guard lets them through just as the members of the band enter the hotel lobby. The fans, mostly teenage girls, go wild, they take pictures with their phones and reach out to touch the guys. The security guard is rethinking his decision to let them through. He stops Phoebe and Jordan turns back] Security Guard: Hold on. Jordan: (to the security guard). No, I said we both work for him. Security Guard: You mean her. The DJ’s a SheJ. [One of the band members overhears the exchange and interrupts] Band Member: It’s OK Dave. She’s my plus one. (Phoebe grabs Jordan’s arm) Make that plus 2. [Jordan and Phoebe follow the band member as he joins the rest of the band in the elevator. Jordan waves to her other friends as the elevator door closes] [Cut to later as the four girls who were left behind join Jordan and Phoebe at a table in the hotel restaurant] Jordan: You weren’t worried were you? Madison: Yes, and there will be punishment unless you tell us everything. Avery: You’ve been here all night? Jordan: After the party we went up to the presidential suite with the band. Phoebe: It was ginormous, like ten rooms. Jordan: We had a few drinks, and some weed, and played drummer god on this giant plasma TV. Phoebe: Which she rocked by the way. Kaitlin: I think I hate you right now. Jordan: Colt took me up to the roof, but by then the gate to the pool was locked, so no one was up there. So we just climbed over and jumped down and um, went skinny dipping. (The girls all giggle) Avery: Did you do it? Jordan: No. He was so sweet. Later, he played his guitar and he wrote a song for me. (The girls all ooh and aah) [The camera focuses on Jordan’s foot, which is very swollen. Kaitlin is the first to notice] Kaitlin: Oh my God. Phoebe: Jordan, what happen to your foot? Maybe you twisted your ankle when you jumped. Or it could be your allergies. My aunt was allergic to some cold medication and her hands swelled up like the marshmallow man. [Jordan is now looking at her hands, which are also swollen] Phoebe: Jordan, are you OK? [Jordan collapses to the floor] Phoebe: Jordan! OPENING CREDITS [The scene opens on Wilson in his bedroom. He is packing a suitcase. House appears in the doorway. He has his glasses on and is holding his cell phone up, trying to see a picture. He comes into the bedroom] House: Foreman expects me to read an Xray on this itty bitty screen. He should have emailed me a larger phone. (He takes off his glasses and flips his phone shut) Why are you packing? Wilson: We’re leaving this afternoon for the conference on Pharmacology and Public Policy. House: We? Wilson: We discussed this. It’s been on your calendar for weeks. House: So has Ramadan. Wilson: Think of it as a vacation. Nice healthy Adirondack air. Or not. I don’t care. You’re coming with. House: You should come with me. State pillow fighting championships. Dollar beers, wet T-shirts. In the words of the philosopher Eddie Money I’ve got two tickets to paradise. Wilson: House, when you moved in, I promised your therapist I’d be here for you. I can’t be here if I’m there, unless you’re there too. So it’s not a discussion. House: Fine. (dialing his phone) I’ll let Foreman know that the 16 year old patient with the severe edema can wait. Relax, I’ve got no idea what’s wrong with her. So odds are, not fatal. (Wilson sighs as House leaves the room) House: (from another room) Still not going. [Cut to quick exterior sht of PPTH, than to House entering the diagnostics office. Chase and Foreman are sitting at the conference table. Cameron is sitting at the desk in the corner] House: She’s got rhabdo (rabdomyolsis). Who wants to come to the pillow fighting championships? Rutgers has got a great team this year, so glad their anchor didn’t turn pro. Foreman: Sixteen year old girl suddenly has the joints of an eighty year old. Think we can we discuss this for a second? House: It’s rhabdo. Patient gave you the answer. She fell down and went boom. We have to leave in an hour so should we eeny meeny? Chase: The fall would explain lower leg damage, but not the swollen hands. House: Hard landing caused crushed muscles, crushed muscles release toxins into the bloodstream, toxins cause swelling of the hands and legs. It’s just another way of saying it’s rhabdo. (looking at his watch) Fifty-nine minutes. Cameron: She’s a credit card kid. Her parents are architects. They’re working on a project in Shanghai. House: (Looking back and forth from Chase to Cameron) Could you be sitting any further away from Chase and still be in the same room? Chase: It doesn’t have to be rhabdo. The swelling could be also caused by deep vein thrombosis. Cameron: She has allergies. Could be anaphylaxis or some heart condition that we don’t – House: Can’t really be any of those things, since it’s rhabdo. I know it’s rhabdo, Foreman knows it’s rhabdo, deep in his heart, even Chase knows it’s rhabdo. Isn’t it annoying when everybody in the room knows something you don’t? Chase: I’ll test for everything. (He and Foreman get up and leave) [Cut to Chase and Foreman sitting in a radiology control room] Chase: He’s and ass. Foreman: (speaking about the test) Contrast is ready. Chase: She already thinks I’m cheating on her. Foreman: Maybe this is House’s way of telling her to talk to her. Chase: Sure. How was your day honey, by the way, I klled someone. If I tell her, that’s dumping a burden on her forever. Foreman: OK. [Chase sighs] Foreman: (looking at the monitor) No sign of obstructions or clots. (He leaves the control room) [Cut to House entering Cuddy’s office. Cuddy has just pulled a file from the cabinet. She walks back to her desk] Cuddy: Tell me what you came here for House. House: I’ve got a legitimate medical reason. Cuddy: You must be so proud. [Cuddy is wearing a low cut top, and as she leans over her desk, a good deal of cleavage can be seen] House: (leering) I forgot. I guess it’s no big deal. I was only using it as an excuse to come check out Patty and Selma. Cuddy: Oh, I feel bad, I haven’t named your testicles. House: Word on the street is, you set a new personal best for low-cut. Cuddy: I don’t know why you chose to give them the names of somebody’s aunts. House: It’s a compliment. They’re always smokin. Oh, I remember. I need you to authorize the medical discharge of a minor. (holding up a file) That’s why I’m holding this in my hand. [Cuddy is now leaning over her desk from the side, displaying her derriere in a tight skirt] House: (unashamedly looking at her derriere) Haven’t finished testing yet, but it rha- (he notices the full outbox on her desk) Your outbox is three times normal size. It’s not a metaphor. Cuddy: (taking files back to the cabinet) There’s a lot to be done before the weekend. House: You take papers home with you. (He sits down on Cuddy’s desk) Unless, you’re not going to be home. Unless you were, for example, going to a medical conference. Cuddy: I’m driving up with Wilson. House: Me too. Cuddy: You weren’t on the registration list. House: I love that you checked. Cuddy: But Wilson said— House: That I have a case, yeah. You’re authorizing the discharge right now. (He turns to leave) That was a metaphor. (House leaves her office) [Cut to House entering a patient room. Wilson is sitting with his patient, Joseph Schultz. He gets up and approaches House] Wilson: Busy right now. House: Is he dying? Wilson: Yeah. House: In the next ten minutes? Wilson: Unfortunately, no. He’s in a lot of pain. House: I’ve thought about it. You’re right. I should go to the conference. Wilson: You found out Cuddy’s going. House: Oh, God no. She’ll ruin everything. Wilson: We leave in two hours. [Wilson goes back to Joseph’s bed. House lingers in the doorway for a minute and watches Wilson’s interaction with Joseph] Joseph: Morphine? [Wilson puts the morphine pump control in Joseph’s hand] Wilson: I’m right here. I’m right here Joseph. [Cut to Chase entering House’s office] House: (holding up his ball) Two days away, you think I should pack ball-y? (He throws the ball in the air and catches it with his open backpack) Chase: You can’t leave. You lit a fuse, you need to watch the bmb go off. House: The bmb was going to go off on its own, if you’d kept quiet. So now you have to either come up with a convincing lie, or tell her the truth. Your choice. (House holds out his hand for the file Chase is carrying) Chase: CK levels point to rhabdo. House: Of course. Chase: Except for the part where imaging shows no sign of muscle crush. [House takes the file and looks at the test results. House thinks for a minute and then grabs his laptop computer and walks out of the office] [Cut to House entering Jordan’s hospital room. He is carrying his laptop computer which is now open] House: Hi. I'm your doctor. (He puts the open laptop down on the bed table. A music video of Metallica’s Fuel is playing on the screen) This is Lars Ulrich, the greatest metal drummer of all-time. You know the song? [Jordan nods] House: Good. (He hands her his cane) Drumstick. (He pulls a funduscope out of Chase’s pocket and hands it to her also) Another drumstick. I want you to rock out to the music the way you did last night. [Jordan looks confused] House: Go on. This is a classic medical test. Hippocrates used it. Let's go. [Jordan reluctantly starts drumming with the cane and the scope] House: (air drumming in time to the music) Come on, you've gotta keep time! Cross over on the high hat. Let's head bang! Chase: House, what are you doing? House: (still playing the air drums) The chart said her potassium's low. Rhabdo elevates the potassium. (to Jordan) And monkey drums. (to Foreman) Ergo... The levels must've been really low last night. Which causes... Jordan: (dropping her arms to the bed) I can't move them. [House hits a key on the computer which stops the music] House: temporary muscle paralysis. Given this rate of muscle fatigue, there's no way she could've climbed stairs and then a fence to the pool. Low potassium means no jump, means no trauma. Tests mean "yes rhabdo.” Ergo, something else caused both the rhabdo and the low potassium. This time start by getting an accurate history. (House gets up and picks up his computer) Be careful. Our patient's a big fat liar. (He leaves the room) [Cut to sometime later in Jordan’s room. Cameron and Chase are questioning Jordan and Phoebe] Chase: What did you really do last night? Cameron: We need to find the cause of your low potassium. You could have a kidney disorder, leukemia, adenoma. Chase: We need to know about any drugs or alcohol, anything that might have thrat your health. Phoebe: Come on, Jord. Okay, we didn't spend the night with the band. Jordan: You can't tell our friends. Phoebe: Have you heard of Stiletto: Warrior Queen of Space? Chase: It's a comic book right? Phoebe: Yeah. Jordan: Thank you. Yes, and a freaking amazing new sci-fi series, and they're filming the motion picture now. Phoebe: It's a prequel. Jordan: The other girls wouldn't get it. Only Phoebe understands my passion. Only Phoebe understands the bushido of the heel. [The girls perform a formal little bow and chuckle] Chase: So what actually happened last night? Jordan: We were with our friends trying to get into the Pharmacide tour party at the Adams. And then I found out that Jeffrey Keener's gonna be there. Jordan: I follow his tweets. It's tragic that I have to explain this. He's the creator of Stiletto issue number one, and the tv show. Phoebe: He's a god. Cameron: So did you guys go up to him? Jordan: God, no. We keep a ten-foot rule. It's not stalking if you don't go up to the person and bother them. Phoebe: So we just followed him around. Jordan: Discreetly. Phoebe: He ditched after half an hour and went down to the hotel restaurant for a late dinner. Cameron: And you went with him? Jordan: Discreetly. Phoebe: We played it so cool. For two hours, we lived his life. We did everything he did. Ate the exact same meal he ate. Cameron: Cool. [Cut to the diagnostics office where Cameron is taking food containers out of a cardboard box] Cameron: The rest of their story checks out. The hotel manager says mom and dad were charged for food and a room, three pay-per-view episodes of Stiletto. [Chase opens a container labeled “oysters” and eats one] Cameron: Are you trying to kll yourself? It's from the same batch the girls ate. Chase: They ate what he ate. And what a hundred other healthy people ate. Dig in. Lunch is on the Adams. Foreman: What if food is the answer? Not this food. Any food. Jordan says she ate all of this. She's 16, all about body image, and she obviously worries about fitting in. Cameron: Bulimia would account for her symptoms. We should do a barium swallow for mallory weiss tears, start her on nutritional supplements, get a psych consult. [Cut to House sitting sideways on the passenger side of Wilson’s car, which is parked on a city street. Wilson is standing by the car] Wilson: Why are you reading my program guide? It's not like you plan on attending any of the presentations. House: I like to know how much boredom I'm missing. (reading from the program) "Patient perceptions of complications in end-stage chemotherapy." You didn't tell me you were giving a paper. Wilson: And that was wrong? House: Last time you presented a paper, you gave me an advance copy and asked for feedback. Wilson: And you're wondering why I wouldn't want to repeat that experience? House: (still reading) Oh, look! An '80s party. Just when you think you left a flock of seagulls behind in your rearview mirror, suddenly it's up ahead like an undead hitchhiker. Wilson: Cuddy's going. House: (He stands up and closes the car door) Did you pack my leg warmers? Wilson: If you want her... ask her out. House: My God, man! She's not some floozy in a bar. She's the floozy I work for. There's gotta be no radical steps here. Gotta be subtle. We happen to attend the same party, the chat happens to turn personal –. Wilson: Like the frog in gradually boiling water. House: Exactly. She'll be red and delicious before she knows it. [They both look toward Cuddy, who is walking toward them on the sidewalk. She is carrying Rachel and laughing] Wilson: What could possibly go wrong? [Cut to Cameron and Foreman sitting in a radiology control room] Cameron: Chase went to the gym five times this week. Foreman: Okay. Cameron: One of those times I followed him. Foreman: What? Cameron: I followed him. And yes, I know how humiliating that admission is. Foreman: Where'd he go? Cameron: The gym, that time. But I know that something's – Foreman: I'm stopping you right there. This is a conversation you should be having with Chase, not me. Cameron: I've tried having this conversation with Chase. Foreman: No sign of tears. It's not bulimia. Cameron: Is he having an affair? Foreman: No. Cameron: Why should I believe you? Foreman: You shouldn't, you should believe him. [Foreman leaves the control room just as Jordan’s parents rush into the radiology room followed by Chase] Derek (Jordan’s Father): Baby… how are you? [Jordan tries to sit up then collapses back onto the table] Michelle: Jordan! Cameron: (talking from the control room)Normal sinus rhythm. Heart rate's fine. Foreman: BP's dropping. [Cameron rushes in to help] Derek: What's happening to her? Foreman: No pulse. (He starts performing CPR) Michelle: Oh, my God! You said her heart rate was fine. Chase: Cardiac tamponade. Drain the fluid now. [The alarms are beeping. Cameron grabs a syringe out or a drawer, Chase puts an oxygen mask on Jordan] Derek: What is going on? Cameron: (pushing the needle into Jordan’s chest) She's bleeding around her heart. (She pulls back on the plunger, drawing out blood) [Cut to the diagnostics office. Foreman, Chase and Cameron are on a conference call with House who is in the lobby of the hotel at the conference] Foreman: Blood constricted her heart muscle. She's on antiarrhythmics, but we don't know how long we can keep her sab. Seemed to be triggered by stress. Her parents had just – House: Did her blood pressure drop during the barium swallow? Chase: Dropped to 50 systolic in three minutes. House: Rules out chronic conditions. Foreman: Acute conditions limit us to toxins, infections. Cameron: Could be anything. A gas leak, arsenic in the wallpaper, fungus in the shower. I'll get samples from her room and the restaurant. House: Talk to our little gossip girl. You need to know exactly where she's been and what she's done in the last 24 hours. Oh, I think – (He pretends to be losing the connection and ends the call) [House approaches the registration table where Wilson has just finished registering. He reaches down and takes a nametag with the name Phillip Perlmutter M.D] Convention Registrar: (She hands House a full bag of conference materials) Welcome to the convention, Dr. Perlmutter. House: (taking the bag) It's my 25th consecutive year. [House and Wilson walk away from the table] House: Perlmutter loves the '80s. [Cut back to Jordan’s room at PPTH where Foreman has just asked Jordan’s parents to leave for awhile] Phoebe: Do you need me to leave too? Foreman: You might remember stuff she doesn't. Jordan: We didn't do anything we haven't told you about. Phoebe: We hung out at Jordan's all day. And then we called a limo to go into the city. Jordan: We stopped at Bruce Springsteen's House. Phoebe: Jord... don't joke around, okay? You're really sick. Just tell him the truth. Jordan: Bruce let me play the first electric guitar he ever owned. Phoebe: My God, why are you lying? Jordan: How can you not believe me? Foreman: Turn to your right. [Jordan turns her head and blood can be seen leaking out of her left ear] [Cut to the restaurant in the Adams hotel. Cameron approaches Jeffrey Keener, who is sitting at a booth] Cameron: Mr. Keener, I really appreciate you coming. Keener: Oh, it's not that much of a hike. My room's only six floors up. Cameron: Last night, do you remember two girls, about 16? Keener: (pointing) That table right there. Cameron: They made an impression. Keener: Well, they were hard to miss with the giggling and the staring. Cameron: I'm sure that happens to you a lot. Keener: I'm sure that happens to you a lot more. [Cut to PPTH where Foreman is talking to Phoebe outside Jordan’s room] Foreman: She can't control it. A bleed in her brain is affecting her thalamus, causing her to lie. We need to know everything. You two were never apart? Phoebe: Except for when she went to go get ice. But that couldn't have taken very long. Foreman: You don't know? Phoebe: It was in the middle of the night. I woke up when she came back into the room. Foreman: And she told you she went to get ice? [Cut to the conference hotel. The 80’s party is going on. People in costume are dancing to Safety Dance by Men Without Hats. The camera lands on House who is dressed in a costume from the 1780’s. Cuddy sees him] Cuddy: House... 1980s. House: You sure? They weren't specific. Cuddy: How much did it cost you to rent that? House: It was in Wilson's bag. Man at Dance: (He is dressed as a ghostbuster) Dr. Perlmutter, I read your article on neural degeneration. House: Wait, you didn't really take that seriously, did you? I just wrote that for the money. Man at Dance: Well, hey there, Jane Fonda, would you care to dancercize? House: Sorry, we were just about to ht the floor. Cuddy: Thank you. Your leg? House: I'm okay. As long as you don't expect rhythm. [They have just started dancing when the song ends and Cyndi Lauper’s Time after Time starts playing. Cuddy smiles and moves in closer to House, putting her arm on his shoulder] House: You remember the last time we danced? Med school, the week we met. Cuddy: No. House: I saw you in endocrinology. Tracked you down to the hoedown. Cuddy: I meant, we met before that. In the bookstore. House: Ah. Cuddy: My third day of school, I hand my syllabus to the guy behind the counter. He barely looks at me. Just skims the sheet and tells me I'm overly ambitious, I have a chip on my shoulder, and I know how to party. (She giggles) House: (chuckling) I'd forgotten you knew how to party. Cuddy: (giggling) I said, "you're making that up." And you said, "your class schedule is overloaded, "but none of your classes are before 11:00, "and no one takes Professor Lamb's course unless they have something to prove." House: Because Professor Siegal covered the same ground and was the easier grader. Cuddy: I tracked you down. Endocrinology... the party. House: And one thing led to another. Cuddy: And then it didn't. House: I was gonna call you. Cuddy: Noo...don't do that. There was no expectations. I was just as into it – House: I was gonna come see you. Figure out where things would go from there. That was the morning I got the call from the Dean and I was expelled from my first med school, and there didn't seem any point. Cuddy: (looking upset) I should go to my room and review papers for the infectious disease panel. (She leaves, leaving House alone on the dance floor) [Cut to House and Wilson’s hotel room. House is still asleep. Wilson is sitting at the table. Wilson’s phone rings] Wilson: (answering his cell phone) Hello? Yeah. Thanks for telling me. House: (waking up) It’s 7:00 in the morning. Somebody better be dad. Wilson: My patient, Joseph Schultz. House: Oh. (sitting up ) Under the circumstances, that's the best thing that could have happened, right? Wilson: Yeah. I just wish I had been there. Didn't hear you come in last night. House: (He takes a bottle of water off the nightstand and gets out of bed) Yes, and it was almost 9:30. Wilson: (shutting his laptop which was open on the table) Things didn't go as you planned? House: We've moved on to a new phase. I tell Cuddy that I've always been interested in her, and she walks out of the room. (He takes a drink of water) Wilson: (He closes a file and reaches behind him to put it in his briefcase) Well, either she just wasn't ready for that, or maybe she was just surprised and didn't know how to react. What are you doing? [House is now sitting at the table. He has pulled Wilson’s laptop toward himself and has opened it up] House: Interesting reflex of guilt just now. Your patient's been dying for six weeks. You couldn't have predicted he'd go this weekend. Or could you? [He punches a couple of keys on the computer and then looks at Wilson sternly] House: (reading from Wilson’s computer) "Euthanasia: let's tell the truth. We all do it." That's a great opening line. Are you insane? Wilson: I didn't want your notes before, and I don't want 'em now. (He gets up and leaves) [Cut back to PPTH where Foreman, Chase and Cameron are watching a security camera video from the Adams hotel] Chase: Well, she didn't get ice. She got out in the lobby. She could have gone anywhere. Let's start with for how long. Fast forward. Chase: Stop. Rewind. Back. Wherever she went, she was only gone for, like, five minutes. She's holding something. Cameron: It's Keener's journal. He must have left it in the restaurant that night. She went back, claimed it belonged to her. She was looking for an excuse to knock on his door. [Cut to sunset at the conference resort. Wilson is standing out on the dock by the lake. House walks out to him] Wilson: I know what you're gonna say. I'm not insane. Doctors are rarely indicted. House: Whoa... I was just thinking of your career. But yeah, if you're one of the doctors occasionally indicted, I guess it could affect that. Wilson: Someone needs to say what life is really like, now, for people who are dying. What doctors have to go through, the decisions we have to make. Alone. Without guidance. House: Someone should say that... in an unsigned letter to the Times. Wilson: I'd be telling the truth. I'd be saying what we're all thinking. House: Who cares? The oncology department is subsidized by drug companies. They don't want it run by a mrder. Wilson: We're all mrder. We just don't have the guts to admit – House: And once again, who cares? You won't be hirable anywhere. Wilson: If there's one thing I've learned from you, it's that I should do what I think is right and not worry about the consequences. (He walks back up the dock) House: Yeah, it's worked out great for me. [Cut to Jeffrey Keener opening his hotel door to Chase and Cameron] Keener: Um, I don't mean to be rude, but I'm expecting a notes call from L.A. can we make this quick? Chase: Did Jordan come to your room the other night? Cameron: Let me put it another way. We know Jordan came to your room the other night. Keener: Look, I've tried to be helpful. I don't know why you want to pretend I'm lying to you. But this is getting too weird for me. Cameron: We need to search your room. Keener: You don't, because she was never here. [Keener starts to shut the door, but Cameron stops him] Chase: Allison, calm down. Cameron: You would cover your ass at the expense of someone's life? We know she brought up your journal. (Keener closes the door) Chase: (walking down the hotel corridor) That was helpful. He'd be crazy to risk his marriage for a one-night stand with a teenager. Cameron: Sensible people only risk their marriage for something more serious? Chase: I'm not having an affair. Cameron: We're talking about Keener. Chase: Fine. He doesn't care about his marriage. What about his career? Statutory rpe would ruin it. Cameron: It's admitting statutory rpe that could ruin it. Which is why we'll never hear the truth out of him. Rufies OD explains all her symptoms. We should start treating her with flumazenil. [Cut to Cuddy sitting on the patio at the resort. Rachel is on her lap drinking milk from a bottle. Wilson joins her] Wilson: Isn't the MRSA panel going on? Cuddy: We got kicked out. She started crying. Wilson: Yeah, well, discussions of urinary catheterization will do that to me too. Cuddy: The babysitter had an emergency. Wilson: Oh...how did you like '80s night? Cuddy: House talked with you? Wilson: I was being subtle about it. You left suddenly. I know House can be a little much sometimes... Cuddy: No, he was sweet. I just know better than to rely on that. Wilson: He's trying. Cuddy: Yeah. I know. I'm a mother now. I need a guy I can count on every single day. That's never been House. (Wilson nods) [Short exterior sht of PPTH, than cut to Jordan’s hospital room] Foreman: It's not rufies. She's bleeding behind her kidneys. We're transfusing another two units packed red cells, but she keeps springing leaks. Cameron: It looks like a toxic reaction. Keener must have given her something. Chase: The guy's a comic book writer, not a drug dealer. Cameron: There's a lot that wouldn't show up in a standard tox screen. But he's never gonna tell us the truth. Foreman: Not gonna get the truth out of her either. Cameron: We will if we drug her. Amobarbital would suppress her thalamus. Chase: She's on antiarrhythmics. Amobarbital could stop her heart. Cameron: She's already dying. Chase: You're angry at me. You're taking it out on this guy 'cause you think he's lying to you too. And you're gonna kll our patient in the process. Foreman: We need to know the truth. Chase: We should call House. Foreman: Yeah. He'll recommend we take the cautious approach. [Cut to House and Wilson’s hotel room. House is sitting at the table eating pretzels and drinking grape soda. He is whistling. Wilson enters the room and takes off his coat] House: (holding out a bag of pretzels) Pretzel? Wilson: Those are gonna show up on my credit card at seven bucks a bag. There's an all-you-can-eat buffet downstairs. House: Studies show that $10 wine tastes better if you're told that it costs $90. I'm sure the same thing must be true of grape soda. (He pours grape soda into two glasses) Have one. We can toast your pending unemployment. [Wilson sits down, sighs, and picks up his glass of soda] Wilson: Yes, you can sit here running up my hotel bill, or you can go get the woman of your dreams. House: I didn't know Angela Merkel was attending the conference. Wilson: I just spoke with Cuddy. She doesn't think you're reliable. And you will remain friend-zoned until that changes. House: I can't convince her that I've changed my entire personality in a weekend. Wilson: Yeah, but you could make the first step. House: What does she need? Wilson: Today, a babysitter. What are you thinking about? House: Fjords. Wilson: You see? Seriously. I know this is out of your comfort zone, but don't scheme. Don't – Just do the deed – House: You tell me that I've gotta show her I've changed, and yet you act like you don't believe I can. If I can't convince my best friend... Wilson: I'm sorry. I didn't mean – I didn't mean... I didn't mean... (He looks rather disoriented) You drugged me. She's better off without you. [Wilson passes out and House catches his head just before it hits the table] House: Words can hurt, you know. [Cut to Jordan and Cameron in a testing lab. Cameron has just administered the Amobartital to Jordan. Some kind of a camera (infrared?) is aimed at her. Chase, Foreman, and Jordan’s parents are in the control room listening and watching the monitors] Jordan: I thought truth serum was only stuff they gave people in lame spy movies. Cameron: We know you're scared. But we know you want to tell the truth. We're gonna help you do that. Cameron: What happened between you and Jeffrey Keener the night you went up to his room? Jordan: I couldn't believe he even talked to me. I told him how much his work means to me. I figured I must sound like a moron. But he was nice about it. He said I was special. [As Jordan talks, the scene changes to a flashback of the story she is telling] Chase: Heart rate's increasing. Foreman: 140's acceptable. Let her talk. Cameron: Did he give you anything? A drink, pills? Jordan: He said it was ecstasy. But it didn't look like ecstasy, and it didn't really make me feel how ecstasy usually does. Cameron: How did it make you feel? Jordan: It just made me really tired. Cameron: What did it look like? A capsule? Tablet? Jordan: It was a tablet. Round. Chase: Could be lithium. Jordan: He just started touching me. At first it seemed nice. But then... I didn't want to insult him. Foreman: That's enough. Jordan: (speaking to her parents, who look extremely disappointed) I'm so sorry. I love you guys so much, and I just – I feel like I've let you down. Derek: I'm gonna kll him. I'm gonna kll that son of a bitch. Foreman: Before you do that, look here. (He points to the monitor) Increased periorbital blood flow throughout. It means everything she's been saying has been a lie. Michelle: Everything? Derek: S-so you still don't know what's wrong with her? Foreman: Sorry. [Cut to Cuddy opening the door of her hotel room to find House standing there] Cuddy: Oh, I thought you were room service. Something going on with your patient? House: It's quiet in there. Is Rachel asleep? I thought maybe, you could use a babysitter. Cuddy: Actually, I've got her in day care downstairs. House: Oh. Great. Maybe later. [From inside the room a child’s giggling can be heard. House walks slowly into the room and sees Lucas sitting on the floor holding Rachel] Lucas: Hey, House. House: Hey, Lucas. Lucas: This is awkward. House: A bit. That awkwardness would probably go away if I left. (He turns and leaves the room) [Cut to Wilson lying across his hotel room bed. The phone on the nightstand is ringing] Wilson: (barely conscious) Hello? [He finely rouses and manages to pick up the phone] Wilson: Huh? Foreman: It's Foreman. I'm trying to update House, but his phone's off. Wilson: (yelling) House! (talking to Foreman again) He's not here. Foreman: Patient's losing blood faster than we can transfuse. Cameron did an online search and found out Keener travels with his dog – we're treating for rickettsia. Any idea where he is? Wilson: (looking at his watch) Oh, no! I was supposed to be giving a paper five minutes ago. [Wilson gets off the bed, and looking down, realizes that he is not wearing any pants] Wilson: Okay...okay... [Cut to the conference room where Wilson is supposed to be presenting his paper. House is standing at the podium instead] House: Dr. Wilson has asked me to tender his apologies for his absence. You'll be hearing my paper instead. Unfortunately, there wasn't time to correct the program schedule. House: (reading Wilson’s paper) "Euthanasia: "let's tell the truth. We all do it. We just don't talk about it. We play the game. We use other words or we don't use any words at all.” House: Hmm. Nice phrasing. [Many of the doctors in the audience were preparing to leave the presentation until House said the word “euthanasia.” Now they are interested, and many look concerned] [Cut back to Wilson’s hotel room. He is on the phone] Wilson: Hello? Uh...I don't know what department I want. Uh, I need...pants. [Cut back to House presenting Wilson’s paper] House: “Patient S, a 55-year-old man. End-stage lung cancer. His pain was beyond the point where we could even pretend to treat it. I showed him how to use the morphine pump. I told him too much morphine would kll him, but not to worry. The machine only gives out so much. To override it you need to enter a special code. I went to the door and told the nurse, 'the code is 328.' I said it loudly. (He pauses and looks up at the audience. He looks down again and does not see Wilson enter the room) When he first came to my office, I told him I would be with him every step of the way. But I left him alone at the end. I broke that promise. To cover my ass, I failed –" [House looks up and sees Wilson standing at the back of the room] House: I was wrong when I wrote that. I've never given any less than my best. I am incapable of turning away from a responsibility. My friends take advantage of that fact far too often. I know that I gave that man everything I could. And I know that he knew that too. House: (reading again from Wilson’s paper) "This is a burden no one should have to carry alone. And this is a decision no one should make alone." House: Because frankly, I don't trust all of you. [House turns to go out on the hotel patio, but is interrupted by a vocal audience. Only one doctor manages to actually speak to him] Audience: Doctor? Doctor? Audience: Doctor? Doctor? Question... Doctor: Excuse me, Doctor. Not many people would have your courage. Thank you Dr. Perlmutter. (He extends his hand, which House shakes) [Cut to House exiting to the hotel patio. Wilson follows] Wilson: Hey. Before I start shouting, Foreman says they're looking at rickettsia. House: Thanks for the message. Continue. Wilson: What the hell? You think that little shout-out is gonna make me forget that you drugged me, hid my pants, stole my speech? House: (taking off his tie) You wanted the paper out there, it's out there. And your job is safe. Wilson: That was my paper. You don't ask what I want, you ignore my wishes, you drug me. House: I'm waiting for you to name something new to our relationship. You've got no good reason to be angry with me. [House holds the tie out to Wilson, who takes it] Wilson: Oh, really? I should be thanking you? House: If this was about getting the story out there, then yeah. Of course, if this is actually about something else... Maybe you feeling impotent because patients keep dying and you think you need to make some grand, stupid gesture – You need to be a hero – Well, then, yeah, sorry. I did screw it up. Wilson: You stepped over the line. This was not your decision. House: My God, there are 10,000 oncologists in this country. Every one of them loses patients. But only you would feel guilty enough... [House has an epiphany and reaches into his jacket for his cell phone] Wilson: Of course, we can't even argue on my schedule. House: (speaking into his phone) It's House. Take down the bags. [Cut to Jordan’s room where Cameron has set her phone down on the bedtable. During the conversation, the scene moves back and forth between House and PPTH] Chase: It's too soon to tell if the meds are gonna – House: It's not the meds. It's the blood that's klling her. What's everybody doing? You're stunned, right? I mean, blood? Michelle: She's had internal bleeding. She needs the blood to – House: Is that the mom? I've got a good comeback if it's the mom. Michelle: Yes, I'm her mother. House: Sure, she needs blood, if you want to kll her. Then you'd have nobody left to neglect – great plan. Your daughter has vibrio vulnificus, courtesy of a few scrumptious oysters on the half shell. Jordan: I didn't eat any oysters. House: Thus proving that she did. Boy, that's neat. Chase: 100 other people ate those oysters. I ate – House: Is that the dad? I've got a good comeback – Chase: It's Chase. House: Oh, I thought the dad might've been Australian too. There was nothing wrong with the oysters. All oysters have vibrio. But almost no one has hemochromatosis. It'd give her a unique susceptibility to vibrio, cause the swollen joints. But it got attributed to bulimia, so she got supplements— Cameron: With iron. House: Which overcooked the liver, which caused bleeding. More blood, more iron, more bleeding, more blood. Michelle: Is she going to be OK? House: Only if we give her high-dose ceftazidime for the vibrio and chelate for the hemochromatosis. Now, Cameron, pick up the phone and give me a dramatic exit. (Cameron picks up the phone and disconnects the call) [Cut to Cuddy, Lucas, House, and Wilson sitting at a table at the hotel restaurant. The atmosphere is tense] House: So...how'd you two crazy kids hook up? Cuddy: I suspected someone in accounting was skimming money, and I wanted to investigate quietly. And since you introduced me to the only detective I know... House: And one thing leads to another. (long pause) Why keep it a secret? You protecting me in my fragile state? You think I was an unhinged looney who was about to go off the rails at a badly timed bit of news? Cuddy: I just don't advertise my personal life. I needed help with the baby. Lucas drove up. Lucas: Yeah. She was worried. A little worried. As a friend. I had to hide in our room and be the dirty little secret. It kinda sucked. I told her it wasn't necessary. So you had, you had some hallucination about having sex with her. Cuddy: I don't think we need to talk – Lucas: I mean, I imagine having sex with women all the time. No big deal. Though I guess if they knew what I imagine, it could get awkward. And I guess it's different because in the fantasy, she was your savior. But I mean, that was months ago, right? All the work that you had to do to get straight- You've been institutionalized. You've had way bigger stuff to deal with. I should shut up. (sighs) Can I buy you a ginger ale? House: A ginger ale would be good. With lemon. [Cut to Jordan’s hospital room] Cameron: Infection's clearing up nicely. You should be out of here in a few days. Derek: Oh, that is wonderful. [Derek’s cell phone rings] Derek: (speaking into the phone) Jack, how are you? Michelle: Sweetie, your father and I think we should reward ourselves with a little time off. Derek: (speaking into his phone) That meeting's gonna have to wait a couple of weeks. We're staying here. Michelle: You should think about where you'd like to go. Derek: (turning to his wife) Honey, they're saying the specs are wrong for the whole foundation. Can you at least come talk to 'em? Michelle: (taking the phone) Let me see. Cameron: (to Jordan) You okay? Jordan: Yeah. Michelle: (speaking into the phone) No. Soil engineering report was fine. Jordan: I'm used to it. Michelle: (who can be heard in the background talking on the phone) Who are you talking to? Cameron: (to Jordan) So...about what happened that night. Jordan: I never even got up the courage to knock on his door. [The scene shifts to a truthful flashback of Jordan leaving Keener’s journal outside his hotel room door] Michelle: (still on the phone) Well, you'll have to send me their numbers. [Cameron sighs, looking relieved] [Cut to a wide sht of Cuddy, Lucas, and Rachel on the hotel patio. Lucas is lifting Rachel high into the air. She is laughing] Cuddy: Yea [The camera pulls back to reveal House watching them from an overlooking balcony. Wilson approaches] [Cut to a close-up of Cuddy, Lucas, and Rachel] Cuddy: (pointing out a ride-on toy car to Rachel) What is that? Lucas: (to Rachel, who is now sitting on the toy car) Are you driving? [Cut to House and Wilson on the balcony above them] House: He looks like a guy who'd be there every day. Minibar is restocked. I say we grab some pretzels for the road – Wilson: When you do what I did, it's not enough to tell yourself you did nothing wrong. You need to hear it from someone else. If not God or society, a friend. Otherwise you go crazy. What you said to me up there... Thank you. You're a good friend. Cuddy should know that. House: Yeah, you should let her know that I drugged you so you wouldn't confess to mrder. Let's get out of here. (They turn and begin walking toward the steps) Wilson: Someone could have recognized you. House: First U.S. conference I've attended in 15 years. Wilson: Perlmutter? House: Toronto, all weekend. Airtight alibi. [Cut to Chase sitting on his couch at home. Cameron sits down beside him] Cameron: I'm sorry. I don't know why I always suspect the worst. If you say you're not having an affair, you're not having an affair. [He takes her hand, sighs, and looks at her] Cameron: Oh, God, you are. Chase: I'm not. Cameron: Okay. Sorry. Again. (Chase sighs again and sits up, resting his chin on his hand) If you don't want to tell...okay. But I could help. Whatever this is, it's eating away at you. We could get past it together. I love you no matter what. Chase: We lose patients sometimes. One of those patients... Dibala... We didn't ac – We didn't actually lose him. I k*lled him. THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x07 - Known Unknowns"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a man’s eye. He pulls the lower lid pulled down. It’s Hank and he is examining his eye in the mirror. He squeezes his eyes shut and rubs the left one. Golden Cage by Whitest Boy Alive plays.] Rick: This bagel's as hard as a hockey puck. [He tosses the bagel on the make up table as Hank removes the bib protecting his white dress shirt and tie.] Hank: Then don't eat it. Rick: Used to be a full breakfast service. They're trying to starve us. Hank: You're worried about the food? [Hank follows Rick out of the dressing room and down the hall of what looks like a suburban house.] Rick: No, I’m worried about what the food represents. I got seven scenes to sh*t today on half of what we used to spend. Hank: We're going through a recession. It is what it is. Rick: But nobody's gonna bail us out. Free content everywhere, DVD sales in the toilet. Now the back office bean counters are vetoing half my ideas. Hank: So we begin to make it about the performances. [They walk down the stairs. A woman in a red bra, panties, garter belt and long gloves walks past them, going up.] Rick: You okay? Hank: A bit of a headache. Rick: If you need an ibuprofen – Hank: I need you to put your game face on, all right? Screw the bagels, screw the sets, screw the wardrobe. Do you have any idea how lucky we are? [They stop in the doorway of the living room. It’s filled with professional lighting equipment and women in their underwear and stilettos.] We get to do something we like, we get to touch people's lives and we get paid for it? Let's make a movie. Topless Actress: [passing Hank on her way to the set.] Hey, baby. [Hank slaps her ass. He stands in the doorway and rotates his head, trying to relax his neck. Rick enters.] Rick: Roll camera. And… Action. [A large light is rotated toward Hank. He drops his briefcase, shuts his eyes tight and puts his hands to his face.] Hank: Oh... Rick: What's wrong? [Hank sinks to his knees.] Hank: Ah... My eyes... They feel like they're exploding. Rick: All right, turn off the damn lights. Get an ambulance. Now! [Opening credits] [Cut to Chase and Cameron’s kitchen. Cameron looks angry as she fills her spoon with cereal then drops it back in the bowl.] Chase: We're gonna be late for work. Cameron: Then we'll be late. [She puts her bowl down.] You took a patient's life, you lied about it for weeks, you broke who knows how many laws and oaths to cover it up, but I can live with it. We can get through it together. Chase: [sighs deeply] You have no idea what I've been living with, and what it means to hear you say that. Cameron: But we need to get away from Princeton-Plainsboro. You can barely walk by the rooms where Dibala was treated. [He frowns slightly at her.] Why should we live with that hanging over our heads? If there was ever a time to turn the page... [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. Foreman is reading a file.] Foreman: Three-month-old with fever, incessant drooling, and chronic muscle weakness. House: Or... prn actor Hank Hardwick, born Henry Lefkowitz, totally clean workup, collapsed on the job with extreme photophobia. Foreman: Or... an infant as limp as a rag doll. House: Yeah. Let's wait till Chase and Cameron get here. I have a feeling they'll have the good sense to side with me. Foreman: Doesn't matter who they side with, I'm still in charge. We're taking the limp three-month-old. [Cuddy enters.] House: Oh, good. You paged the limpness specialist. [She hands him a plain, white envelope.] This envelope is oddly medical license-shaped. Cuddy: Congratulations. [Chase enters, followed by Cameron.] Foreman: House is back in charge. We get to treat a prn star. Chase: Congratulations. Cameron: Perfect timing for us. Chase: We're leaving the team and the hospital, effective immediately. House: That's kind of sudden. Unless you've been circulating your resumes for a while. Chase: We're just starting to think about new jobs, where we want to live. House: Moving too. Interesting. Cuddy: Are you sure about this? Chase: [nods] Yes. Foreman: Uh... We'll miss you. Cameron: We'll miss all of you too. We'll start clearing out our things. [House gets up and goes to the coffee machine, turning his back on all of them. Cameron and Chase leave, followed by Cuddy.] House: Run an STD panel and a tox screen. Send a C-reactive protein to look for inflammation and an A.N.A. to screen for autoimmune. The rest of you take a history and do an LP to rule out viral encephalitis. [He turns and sees Foreman sitting alone.] Oh, it's just you. Here's hoping you're good at multitasking. [He takes his license and coffee and heads for his office.] [Cut to Hank’s room. Foreman is taking blood.] Hank: I get tested for STDs regularly, so does everyone I work with. Foreman: Since I'm guessing you don't take their word for it. All right, I'm gonna need you to lie on your side and put your knees to your chest. Any history of alcohol or substance abuse? Hank: My wife used to smoke a little pot, but I-I never touched the stuff. Foreman: [prepping for the LP] You're married. Hank: Happily, for two years now. Foreman: She happy you do prn? Hank: Very, since she does it too. Foreman: Hmm. You ever get jealous when your wife's working? Hank: It's a job. Once you start letting your work life rule your home life, especially if you're in the same line of work, your relationship's gonna be short. Foreman: You're gonna feel a little pressure. [Hank inhales deeply] Any history of sexual abuse? Hank: I defy the cliché. Foreman: Have you ever suffered depression or psychosis? Hank: Let me save you some time. There's not a blotch on my medical record. Look... I know most of the people in my field are drug addicts with daddy issues, but I’m a nice, Jewish boy from the ‘burbs. I wasn't driven to this. I chose it. I believe in it. I actually think it's – Oh! My arms are klling me. [Hanks fists are clenched. His arms are bending as if he’s doing a biceps curl while he tries to keep them straight.] Foreman: Looks like tetany. Your muscles are contracting. Hank: Oh! Foreman: Need some meperidine in here. Hank: [breathing heavily] Oh, God. [Cut to House.] House: Jew with megalophallus, photophobia, and muscle spasm. You tell me which is the most unusual. [He starts taking pictures with a camera just out of sight. He’s in Taub’s office. The camera is set up to take “before” pictures of plastic surgery patients.] Four candidates, three slots on the team. Need to know if you've still got your diagnostic chops. Taub: I leave this office by 6:00 every day, I have my weekends again, I recognize my wife again. House: Yeah, I agree. Does sound pretty dull. No wonder you want to work for me. Tox screen was clean, We ruled out viral encephalitis. [Taub smiles pleasantly and says nothing.] The only obstacle to you coming back is your wife. Which has never been that much of an obstacle to you. Taub: [One corner of his mouth twitches.] Maybe you're right. The only link between eye and muscle is the brain. [He gets up and grabs his jacket. He walks with House to the door.] Tumor, seizure... [House walks out. Taub closes the door behind him and puts his jacket back on the coat tree.] [Cut to House in another non-descript place.] House: Taub seems to think the link has to be the brain, but eye and muscle are governed by different parts of the patient's second-favorite organ. [Thirteen is leaning against her open door, keeping him in the hallway.] Which means it's... Thirteen: Thailand was wonderful. Thanks for asking. House: Of course. Yes. It has to be multifocal. Thirteen: I have an interview with a community health clinic in two hours. House: Back-up plan's fine. But Taub's swinging for the fences. I suggest you don't divide your attention. Thirteen: Good point. I won't divide my attention, then. [closes door] [Cut to PPTH hallway.] House: Taub thinks it's a brain issue, Thirteen thinks it's multifocal. Foreman: And neither of them wants to work here. House: Don't take their word for it. Taub's problem is his wife, Thirteen's problem is you. Chase and Cameron's problem is the dad African dictator. None of them has a problem with the work. Foreman: Cerebral vasculitis would explain both the eye and arm findings. House: [nods] Steroids to treat, brain angiogram to confirm, EMG and nerve biopsy while you're at it. I'll be at lunch. [Cut to the cafeteria.] House: [to Wilson] I'd hire all four, but a five-person team seems unwieldy. Who would you turn down? [to cashier] I'll have whatever he's buying. Wilson: Two cheeseburgers and two large fries. There are a thousand people in the world who want to be on your staff, but you're going after the four who don't. [House takes an unwrapped toothpick from the unsanitary dispenser and starts playing with it.] House: They don't because their lives are irrelevantly and annoyingly complicated, which makes them confused, which makes them make poor decisions. Wilson: And your life is simple? You went all the way up to the medical conference to cozy up to Cuddy. Instead she's dating one of two people in the world you think of as a friend. There's no way that's not devastating. House: So I had an attraction of sorts. Wilson: Yeah, the sort in which your imaginary tryst landed you in a mental hospital. House: And I got help. And she got Lucas, who bought me a ginger ale. It's all fine. Which won't be true of my department unless I can figure out which doctor I’m not hiring. Wilson: I suppose throwing yourself into your work isn't the worst thing you could do. [Takes his food and heads for the tables.] House: [interested] What is the worst thing I could do? [Cut to locker room. Chase and Cameron are packing up.] Foreman: House thinks it's cerebral vasculitis. If you could just do the brain angio while I finish up the blood work – Chase: We're out the door. Foreman: He's got me running every test and treatment by myself. Cameron: Which is why you should be out the door too. This is completely unreasonable, even for House. Foreman: [taking a step closer to Chase] You owe me this. [Chase looks at him, then at Cameron.] [Cut to an elevator. Chase and Cameron are wearing lab coats.] Chase: Thank you. Cameron: [reading chart] You really believe this is cerebral vasculitis? Chase: Could be. [The elevator dings. They start down the hall.] Cameron: House wants to thread a catheter through his brain, which could cause a vasospasm, give steroids, which could spread infection all over the place, because it could be. Chase: Sounds like House. Cameron: It could also be a severe vitamin D deficiency. He has a restrictive diet, works long hours indoors, became hypocalcemic, got tetany and photophobia. Chase: Are you saying I shouldn't do the angio? Cameron: House ordered it, Foreman wants it, of course we should do it. I'm just saying we're right to leave. Chase: You sure? Because right now I’ll basically do anything you ask me. Cameron: I'm not interested in guilting you. We're moving on. Chase: Right after I take the patient to the phototherapy suite, blast him in ultraviolet light, and IV vitamins for his severe vitamin D deficiency. [Cameron grins widely as she follows him down the hall.] [Cut to phototherapy suite. Chase is hanging an IV for Hank. Lexa, Hank’s wife takes his robe as he strips down to his boxers.] Chase: So do you guys actually work together? Hank: We did at first, but now we like to keep our films produced separate. Chase: So do you, uh, watch her work? Hank: We're both busy with our own stuff. Think what you want, but we're proud of what we do. Cameron: Divorcing sex from all emotional content? Lexa: Emotion is emotional. Sex is mechanical. There doesn't really need to be any overlap. [Hank steps into the ultraviolet booth.] Cameron: Certainly not in your world. Hank: We've helped a lot of couples by taking sex out of some deep, dark dungeon. Do what you want without some big, moral comeuppance. [He puts on a pair of goggles.] Chase: You think you can escape the consequences, but you can't. You don't get to make your own rules or morals. Lexa: Well, you're here to treat him, not lecture us about our – Hank. Are you all right? [His nose is bleeding. He rubs the blood off.] Are you okay? Chase: Just a nosebleed. [Hank takes off the goggles and steps out of the booth, holding his nose tightly.] Cameron: Inside his leg? Petechial hemorrhages. Chase: We were wrong. So was Foreman. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House has his chin resting on his fist, which is on the table. He’s staring at a laptop. Cameron enters, followed by Chase and Foreman.] Cameron: Patient's blood won't clot. We're back to square one. House: And you're back in my office. So much for playing hard to get. Chase: We're just here to help Foreman. [Based on the music and moaning coming from the computer, House has found a legitimate reason to watch prn at work.] Cameron: Is that – House: He's not without talent. Foreman: UV rays made the patient's capillaries more fragile, hastening the onset of D.I.C. Sounds like sepsis – House: But isn't. No sign of shock. No drop in blood pressure. Chase: Can we turn that off? House: Right, 'cause Cameron thinks prn is evil. Chase: I don't care what he does. I don't care what you watch. I just think it's annoying that he pretends it's some beautiful life we should all be aspiring to. [Chase closes the computer, stopping the music and moaning.] Chase: Left shift points to bacteremia. Cameron: No fever. Plus it wouldn't explain his spasmodic muscle contractions. House: The ball and chain smacked you down. Cameron: But widespread petechial rash, nervous system involvement. It's some kind of blood infection. Meningococcemia. House: Start the patient on heparin for the D.I.C. broad-spectrum antibiotics for the meningococcemia. [Chase and Foreman leave, followed by Cameron.] Dr. Cameron. [She stops.] Chase is relaxed, at ease, in lockstep with you again. I guess he finally told you that he iced Idi Amin Junior. Does that mean he can break the other nine commandments too? Taking the Lord's name in vain, sure, but coveting thy neighbor's wife? Is she hot? Cameron: I've forgiven him. House: Not for mrder. Not you. Doesn't matter how evil Dibala was. By every conscience-hugging, Mother Teresa-loving bone in your body, you should be leaving him, not leaving with him. Cameron: I thought your position was our leaving is a ruse. House: We're not talking about my position, we're talking about yours, which doesn't add up. Cameron: Here's what doesn't add up. If you were serious about staffing your team, you would know exactly which three fellows you wanted. You plowed ahead with this case even though you hadn't hired new fellows because you knew Foreman would ask Chase and me to help, giving you more time to blow up our marriage. House: I don't want that. But we'd be foolish not to plan ahead. A: my fring Chase was the only reason you left two years ago, B: when the full horror of his homicide hits you, your marriage will blow up. And Z... The only obstacle to you working here will be gone. Or maybe I skipped a couple of letters. [Cameron leaves, looking fed up.] [Cut to Hank’s room. Chase is wearing a gown and gloves. Hank has a bandage covering his nostrils.] Chase: Meningococcemia's spread person-to-person. Something you ought to think about next time you show up for work. Hank: It's okay. [whispering conspiratorially] Your wife's not here. Chase: I'm just telling you what – Hank: You have to lecture me when she's around, I get it. But I can tell from all the questions you ask that you're more like me than you admit. Chase: I'm a guy. I look around every once in a while, but I love my wife. I love the fact that she's the only one that I’m intimate with. Hank: And no part of you wants to just toss this rulebook everyone's forced on you? Chase: No part of you wants a life of actual commitment? Hank: Is my relationship perfect? No. Am I ever horny when my wife has just had sex for nine hours? [Chase laughs.] Yes. But we are committed to each other, in every way that matters. Chase: In other words you're committed, except when you're not committed. Doesn't work so well if you have a conscience. Hank: Conscience. You mean that thing that kicks in when there's no logical reason to behave the way people want you to? [beeping] What? Chase: You have a fever. Means the antibiotics aren't working. [Cut to Taub’s waiting room.] Taub: Mr. [reading from a clipboard] Takayama. House: [dropping the magazine he had his nose buried in] Yes. I'm really happy with what the last guy did with my eyes. But why would broad-spectrum antibiotics fail to work on meningococcemia? Taub: If you'll excuse me, I've got a real patient. Mister... htler. Really. House: Had to do something to amuse myself while your receptionist fought with her boyfriend. Taub: Who's next? [Mr. Klingman, a large man, stands up.] House: A guy who needs two decades' worth of corn chips Hoovered out of his neck, or a guy who can't stand daylight, and whose blood won't clot. You do the triage. Mr. Klingman: Who's the jerk? Taub: Someone with zero chance of hiring me back. [to House] I told you. I'm content at home and at work. House: But you're not content with content. That's why you got sucked into those stock scams, why you cheated on the wife you love. Taub: At bridge. My wife and I play a lot of bridge. House: Why you worked on a case last time I was here. Taub: I gave you a theory. Just like I’d help a guy who needs a Heimlich in a restaurant. And then I shut the door behind you. House: But you'd knock over three other doctors to give it to him. Metaphorically speaking, you're a Heimlich addict. Taub: And you're an addiction addict. Right now your drug of choice is your old team, and like any addict you're trying to solve some other problem and it's not gonna work. If you'll excuse me, I have a – House: You have a tight schedule of nose jobs and tummy tucks. Taub: Yes. I do nose jobs. Just like the guy who came here after a car crash, Couldn't even breathe through… his... [He has an idea. House waits for it.] Antibiotics wouldn't work if his sinuses were infected and clogged. If there was a pocket of bacteria his blood vessels couldn't reach. You surgically drain his sinuses, the drugs will work. House: Nice. Tell me that didn't feel good. [leaving] See you tomorrow. Taub: [shouting after him] Not coming back. [Cut to a café with soft music playing. Thirteen is at the counter, organizing her vacation photos in an album. Foreman comes up behind her.] Foreman: Looks like quite a trip. Thirteen: [looks at him briefly then back at the photos] It was. House send you to talk to me? Foreman: No. Thirteen: Then there's nothing to talk about. I don't want to work for him. Foreman: You're a great doctor. House is right to want you in the mix. Thirteen: Are you saying this because you still have feelings for me and you want me to come back? Foreman: I'm saying that shouldn't be an issue. Thirteen: Do you have feelings for me or not? Foreman: I don't want our work life to have anything to do with our personal life. Thirteen: You couldn't keep them separate. And that's why our personal life doesn't exist. Foreman: None of that has to – Thirteen: I can't work with you. Foreman: Actually, you can. I was the one who had the problem. I don't anymore. [He leaves.] [Cut to OR. Hank is unconscious, on the table, while Chase is roto-rootering his nose. Chase looks up briefly when House’s voice comes over the intercom.] House: I owe you an apology. I was wr-rr-r... I was wrr-r-rr... Chase: What were you wrong about? House: You spent weeks elaborately concealing the fact that you... [decides to use a euphemism for the others present] crashed daddy's car. And then you just confessed. Seemed idiotic. Certain to end in disaster. Instead you're riding off into the sunset together. Any theories on why? Chase: I assume you've already dismissed the "she loves me" theory? House: Well, it's possible. It would require the presupposition that everything she's done for the last six years has been completely inconsistent with her character, but yeah, it's possible. Chase: And as we've already established, it's also possible that you're wrong. House: Or there's another explanation. Since you don't have one, I’m gonna keep looking for you. [He turns the intercom off with his cane.] Chase: [to someone in the OR] Let him drain, then pack it with anesthetics and sterile gauze. [Cut to the Clinic. Cuddy is as the desk as Wilson charges in and approaches her.] Wilson: Do you have any idea what's going on with House? Cuddy: Uh, he's trying to get his old fellows back? Wilson: It's called stalking. Cuddy: I am way too busy to play officer of the court. Wilson: That's a shame, since you're the one who triggered this. [She give him an “I don’t believing you” look.] What do you see in Lucas anyway? Cuddy: I don't see that it's any of your business. Wilson: Did you think House wouldn't find out? You could've at least told me so I wouldn't have coached him on how to prove his worthiness to you. Cuddy: I know you're upset with me because I didn't choose to date your best friend. But I’m living my life. And for the first time I’m not gonna change that because of how it might affect him… or you. [Cut to Cuddy’s house. Lucas is there.] Cuddy: I feel like crap. Lucas: Yeah, look, our relationship is gonna be about House, or it's gonna be about us. I vote for it being about us. Cuddy: Well, House is gonna make it about him for us. Lucas: This is very insulting. You're apparently shocked by this, which means that you thought that there was some way that we could date, get married, have two kids, a dog, retire to Florida, all without House finding out. Or you thought that we wouldn't date all that long. First means you're delusional. The second means I’m delusional. Technically it could also mean you thought House had matured, but then we're back to your being –[He whistles and point to his head, indicating “crazy.}] Cuddy: Shut up. You're right. I’m sorry. Lucas: I'm also flattered. Yeah, 'cause you acted all cool and everything with Wilson, but you feel comfortable enough with me that you can freak out. That's cool. [He lounges on the couch. She smiles. He reaches out and pulls him onto the couch next to him.] [Cut to Hank’s room. Chase and Cameron are there.] Chase: His sinuses are clear. Antibiotics should work this time. Why did you forgive me? I mean, I’m-I’m glad. I’m grateful, but I’m confused. You've been harder on the patient than you've been on me. Cameron: Well, the difference between you and the patient is that you feel shame. Guilt. That's how I know we're gonna get through this. Hank: [groaning] My stomach. Oooooh. It really hurts. Oh... [Cameron checks his torso then turns to Chase.] Cameron: His liver’s failing. [Cut to Diagnostics. The original team is at the table.] Chase: His liver's failing and his abdomen keeps filling with fluid, so – Cameron: It's not meningococcemia. House: [at the window by the coffee maker] No matter how much you finish each other's sentences, don't count on being a diagnostic package deal. Foreman: Patient's liver's not working. We don't have time for your little team-stakes. Chase: Sometimes you're just wr-rr-r-wrong. Something genetic, something in his family history we overlooked? Foreman: History and genetics are spotless. Plus every time he had a bad cough as a kid he went to a doctor. Cameron: Klatskin tumor, obstructing his bile ducts? Foreman: No jaundice. Wouldn't have ocular effects. Chase: But if it's inflammation inside the bile channels, sclerosing cholangitis. Cameron: Could've stopped him from producing clotting proteins, damaged his blood cells, causing small strokes. House: [loudly, overacting] Enough! Enough! Stop pummeling Thirteen and Taub. [normally] It fits. Prep the patient for an ERCP. See if there's any hope of opening his blocked bile channels. And tell him to start looking for a liver donor. [Chase starts to follow the other two out] Dr. Chase. Your turn. So what'd she say? Chase: She forgave me because I feel guilty. House: That works too. Chase: And now you expect me to ask you what the "too" refers to. House: Only if you're interested. Only if you have doubts about her answer. [Chase turns to leave.] She thinks that you don't have anything to feel guilty about, because you didn't kll anybody. I did. She blames me for Dibala's mrder, not you. Chase: You were barely involved in that case. She knows that. House: But I created the big, bad, evil climate that allowed it to happen. Chase: You're wrong. House: Powerful counter-argument. Chase: Why are you doing this? Why are you trying to screw things up? House: You got the tense wrong. Things are already screwed up. Which is why you don't just want to work for me, you need to. Cameron thinks you're my personal sock puppet. If you don't stay, it's gonna be hard to prove you're not. I have to go. [He leaves. Chase thinks.] [Cut to a gym. Dance music is playing. House, fully dressed and with his cane, walks on a treadmill at about 2 miles an hour.] House: [to the guy on the next treadmill] Last week, my cane could only do ten minutes. Thirteen: [approaching from the other side] What are you doing here? House: Waiting for you to take a nap so I can surge into the lead. [She walks away. He stops walking and slides off the end of the treadmill, both feet hitting the floor simultaneously. He follows her to a machine.] What's the best way to restore the liver in someone with sclerosing cholangitis? Thirteen: [doing sit ups] Not getting drawn into this. House: You already are. Thirteen: Because you crashed my workout? House: You're doing core training. Which improves balance, which staves off the most debilitating symptoms of Huntington's. You've ended your self-destructive streak. Want to do something significant, something that'll last longer than the few years you have left. My team is your first-best choice. Thirteen: And my first choice is the community health clinic I interviewed with yesterday. House: Absolutely, you should do that. Three hours a week. Every doctor should 'cause every doctor can. But you don't want to be every doctor. Plus, on my team, you get to screw with Foreman. Every way but literally. Thirteen: Why are you doing it this way? You're pretending to assume we're all coming back without actually asking us. Why? House: See, this is why you'd be miserable wiping noses in a clinic. Thirteen: [stands and faces him] You can't ask because you can't face the rejection. Why not? What's going on? House: Are you asking me to ask you? Thirteen: I'm saying you shouldn't, for your sake as well as mine. [Cut to Hank’s room.] Cameron: We don't know how much the sclerosing cholangitis has damaged your liver. It might be in a year, it might be in ten. But the odds are you're gonna need a new one. And you should know, while no transplant committee will say this openly, they'll never grant an organ to someone working in your profession. Hank: You're saying I have to change jobs? You're medically advising me to change jobs. Lexa: Hank, if you're too sick – Hank: She wants me to have some kind of religious conversion. She's practically salivating over it. Cameron: I'm just being candid about – Hank: So you don't think I’m scum. Just some committee thinks I’m scum. Cameron: That your lifestyle has risks. Hank: You work around more sick people and germs and blood than I do. I’m not gonna live my life afraid like my parents did. Barely letting me play outside and God forbid that I get a scratch. Lexa: I'll talk to him. He'll calm down and realize that this is the only – Hank: No. No, I won't. Why does everyone want to dictate the way I live my life? Lexa: Because the way we're living is gonna kll you. [He slumps back on his bed.] [Cut to the OR. Chase is doing a procedure on Hank. Foreman stands by.] Chase: Passing the pancreatic duct... Foreman: Don't listen to House. Chase: You have no idea what he said. Foreman: I know that House is manipulative. I know that you're in a vulnerable state right now, and I know that Cameron wants your marriage to work. So do you. So don't listen to House. Chase: House doesn't make my decisions. We're in the common bile duct. Foreman: [looking at the screen] What's that mass? Gallstone? Chase: Can we magnify times five? [Foreman adjusts the monitor.] That's not a gallstone. [Worms are crawling all over the place on the screen.] Foreman: His liver's completely filled with worms. [Cut to Hank’s room.] Chase: You have strongyloides, also known as threadworms. They disseminated all over your body, causing all your symptoms. Hank: How'd I get a parasite? Chase: Most likely through sexual activity, but we can't be sure. Lexa: And… w-what's the treatment? Chase: Two mebendazole pills. Hank: That's it? Chase: You'll be fine. Your liver too. Go back to your lives. [Hank and Lexa laugh happily as he swallows the pills.] [Cut to the doctors’ lounge. Chase enter and see Lucas spread out on the sofa, reading.] Chase: You know this is the doctors’ lounge. Lucas: I know. It seemed like the place to read doctors' notes. You are good at it, by the way. Chase: [grabbing the file from Lucas] Why are you reading my charts? Lucas: Because I’m worried about my girlfriend. Chase: Your girlfriend... is a male prn star? Lucas: Oh, no, I’m dating Lisa Cuddy. Chase: Seriously? Lucas: Cool, huh? And if House doesn't have his team, that'll make her miserable, which will make me miserable. Which brings us to the fact that you have elevated noting to an art form. Chase: I see the connection. Lucas: Most doctors write "9:00 a.m." if they scrub in at 9:00 or anything near it. You write 9:03, and you make little notations when procedures are delayed. [He gives Chase a “thumbs up.” Chase smiles.] Chase: You're easily impressed. Lucas: [picking up another chart] Well, yeah. I was, till I saw that you had virtually stopped writing them about four weeks ago. Chase: Been busy. Got a backlog. Lucas: Yeah... People with your level of precision don't really just "get" backlogs. No one knows why you're leaving PPTH. Chase: Because it's personal. Lucas: Well, if something happened, I mean, if you're leaving to get away from something that you did, or she did, or both of you did. I mean, emotionally maybe you want to run away, but in my experience, if you're staring at a pit bull in some guy's back yard, you're better off staying right where you are. Face the problem. That way it can't bite you in the ass. Chase: Thanks for the folksy wisdom. [He takes his charts and starts to leave.] Lucas: Hey, you got any, uh, dirt on any of the other three? It'd really help me out. [Chase looks at him and leaves without answering.] [Cut to Hank’s room. A monitor beeps while he vomits tons of white, foamy stuff into an emesis basin Cameron is holding.] Lexa: I thought you said those two pills was all he needed! Cameron: Lungs are filling with fluid. Chase: Suction him and get him on oxygen. [Cut to Diagnostics] Chase: Patient's lungs are severely compromised. Liver's still failing. Cameron: Worms could easily have been a coincidence. Almost be surprising if he didn't have 'em. Chase: Which means it could be a hematological problem plus cardiomyopathy. House: No, neck veins are flat, precordial exam was normal. Foreman: What if it's lymphoma? Peritoneal carcinomatosis explains the liver failure. Paraneoplastic syndrome explains everything else. House: Lymphoma it is. Prep him for chemo. Fax Taub and Thirteen the latest update on the case. Cameron: [disbelieving] Seriously? House: They have as much right to know as anyone on the team. Cameron: You either like the diagnosis or you don't. If you don't, we need to keep talking. If you do, you need to shut up. What we don't need is this stupid game. [She leaves. Chase stares at House, then follows her.] [Cut to Chase and Cameron walking down the hallway.] Chase: You're mad at House, but you're not mad at me. Cameron: Do you want me to be mad at you? Chase: You blame House. Not me. Cameron: I am mad at House because he's an ass. And I am mad at you, but I don't want to leave you. Chase: What I did may be the worst thing I ever did. It may be the best. I'm either a mrder or a guy who stopped a mass mrder, but I did it. Me. And even if it destroys me, I’d do it again today. Cameron: You don't mean that. This isn't you. Chase: I'm not running away from what I did because you want to pretend I never did it. Cameron: If that's how you feel... Okay. [Cut to Wilson’s living room. House is in the chair he was in when he first confronted Amber in Don’t Ever Change.] House: My strategy's not completely working. All four of them want to work for me, but all four of them have reasons why they don't want to work for me. How do I get them to take one from column A and none from column B? [Wilson is looking for something and not answering House.] Right. Right, by not saying anything, you're saying that the answer is inside me. Wilson: The answer has nothing to do with the question. House: Then it's not technically the answer. Wilson: Why do you need three of these doctors? House: Because I know they're good. Other doctors fall into the "might be good" category. Wilson: It has nothing to do with them being good. You think they're idiots half the time, but they're comfortable. You feel abandoned by Cuddy, so you're reaching out to people you know for comfort. House: Oh, my God, you're right. I don't need doctors at all. I just need a good friend. [He turns his head and “cries,” holding his hand to his mouth.] Wilson: Cuddy's right. Maybe, just maybe, if I don't play along, you'll realize you can't solve a deeper problem with a surface solution. House: Would've been more profound if you hadn't said anything. [Wilson turns away.] [Cut to the ICU. Foreman works on Hank. Chase sits nearby.] Foreman: You okay? Chase: Getting through it. Foreman: Be a lot easier once you two are away from here. Chase: Yeah. [Hank groans.] He's peeing blood. [monitor beeps] BP's rising. Foreman: Heart rate's up to 250. He's going into cardiac arrest. [Foreman removes the pillow from under Hank’s head as Chase grabs the defibrillator paddles from a nurse.] Chase: Charging. Clear. Foreman: He's bleeding out. Chase: His body's completely giving out. Charging. clear. [Cut to Diagnostics. House is playing with a big rubber band.] Cameron: We've got him sab, but no red cells, no white cells, practically no platelets either. Chase: Mebendazole can cause adverse effects, but nothing like this. Foreman: He's been off 'em since yesterday, anyway. House: Long passes, wild guesses, anything. Chase: Hypopituitarism. Could cause multi-organ failure if – House: If his thyroid hormone wasn't completely normal. Cameron: Renal cell carcinoma. House: Renal ultrasound was clean. Foreman: I'd say aleukemic leukemia. Marrow's not making enough normal cells – House: Ablate the patient's bone marrow. Find him a donor match. Cameron: You want to nuke the patient's marrow? He had no evidence of being anemic or immune-compromised when he was admitted. Chase: Perfect white count as well. Foreman: Ablation could kll him or leave him defenseless against an infection that could. House: Well, then come up with something better. [Cameron sighs.] He may as well die while we're treating him. [He heads to his office.] Okay with you if I bring the other candidates into the loop now? [Cut to Taub’s office. He is talking to a patient.] Taub: The risks are, uh, they're really minimal. We'll do a series of painless injections, and – [the fax machine beeps] Excuse me. [He removes the paper from the fax and drops it in the trash.] The whole thing can be done as an outpatient. [Cut to Thirteen’s apartment. She turns her head as her fax machine beeps. A page slides out. The counter is full of pages she hasn’t picked up. The new sheet slides off them and onto the floor. She goes back to typing on her computer.] [Cut to the lobby. Cuddy comes out to confront House who has his jacket on. He picks up some messages.] Cuddy: You're leaving at 11:00 a.m.? House: Trust me, the case is almost over. Cuddy: Foreman told me you're ablating the patient's marrow, on a non-theory that Foreman himself withdrew. You're gonna kll the patient. Is this about me and Lucas? [He looks at her and leaves. She follows.] I want alternatives for the patient. House: So do I. [Cut to Wilson’s apartment building. Chase is sitting on the steps outside.] Chase: I want to be on the team. House: You think that's gonna save your marriage? Chase: I don't know. House: Four candidates, three spots. I got a tough decision ahead of me. [He walks past Chase and into the building.] [Cut to a PPTH hallway. Foreman pushes Hank down the hall on a stretcher. Lexa is on one side, holding his hand, Cameron walk along on the other side. There’s some fancy photographic effects as they jump from the far end of the hall to the near end and then rotate upside down.] [Cut to Thirteen’s apartment. The phone rings as she sorts through her mail. She lets the machine pick up.] Dr. Turner: [on answering machine]: Hi. Remy, this is Dr. Turner from the Pennsauken Free Clinic. We all loved meeting you, and, well, the job's yours. Call me back. Let's pick a start date. [She walks to the fax machine and picks up the top sheet. It’s on Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, Department of Diagnostics letterhead and is full of neatly typed information. At the bottom, where it says “Diagnosis” House has written “Macro” something. She sits on the arm of her couch and starts to read.] [Cut to Taub’s office. He’s with a patient.] Phyllis: I want it to look natural. I mean, much younger, but natural. Can you get rid of the crow's feet altogether? Or is it better to leave a trace of them? [flirting] I don't look old enough to have them anyway, do I? Taub: [not really listening] Absolutely. Phyllis: I do look old enough? Taub: No. What? I’m sorry. Hang on a second. [He turns, retrieves the faxes from the trash and starts reading.] [Cut to treatment room. Hank is on the table. In the other room, Cameron is operating the computer while Foreman, Chase and House stand by.] Foreman: Why are you here? House: 'Cause I think we're wrong. Which means something's gonna go wrong. [His cell phone rings.] Or right. Takayama here. [Intercut between Taub, in his office, Thirteen in her apartment and the hospital.] Taub: It's me and Thirteen. Stop the ablation. [House signals for Cameron to stop. He puts his phone on the table and turns on the speaker.] House: Because? Thirteen: Those threadworms. Why would his body have gone to hell just hours after they were gone? Taub: The worms weren't hurting him. They were helping him. He has extraintestinal Crohn's. He got it from being raised in a too clean, too overprotective of an environment. Thirteen: It's the hygiene hypothesis. Why there's so much autoimmune disease in the developed world, and almost none in the developing world. Taub: The worms were keeping the Crohn's in check, teaching his immune system what it should've learned from eating dirt growing up. Thirteen: Once you klled them, it started klling him. House: So his life of filth wasn't the problem. Clean living was. Let's start him on methylprednisolone. Taub: And some helminths. House: Worms. Cool, huh? [He hangs up the phone and gestures to Chase, Cameron and Foreman.] Best out of three? [Cut to House’s office at night. He’s lounging behind his desk, watching his computer. Taub enters.] prn actress: Have you been a bad boy? [laughter and music] [House turns off the video with his cane.] Taub: I want to be on the team. House: Good news for your wife. Taub: Thanks for the sarcasm. I reorganized my life to spend more time with her, but apparently I don't love her as much as I thought. House: Or you love her more. This job gives you the thrill you used to find through philandering. Better to cheat with a beaker and an MRI than one of your platinum-blonde plastic surgery patients. I'll let you know. Chase: I told House I want to work for him again. Stay on the team. You were always more into it than I was, more interested in diagnostics. Unless House was right about why you want out. [Taub turns to leave. Thirteen is there. House smiles.] [Cut to the locker room. Cameron is folding up the last of her clothes. Chase comes in.] Chase: I told House I want to work for him again. [She looks at him, surprised.] Stay on the team. You were always more into it than I was, more interested in diagnostics. Unless House was right about why you want out. [They stare at each other.] [Cut to House’s office. He’s packing up for the night, choosing which of Hank’s videos to put in his backpack. Cameron enters.] House: [quietly] Four for four. Cameron: I was in love with you. I was an idiot. Tried to be like you, tried to understand you because I thought I could heal you. [pause] You almost klled that patient. House: If almost not saving his life means – Cameron: You knew the diagnosis a long time ago. You risked another patient's life to bait your old team. House: Another one? Cameron: You did kll Dibala. By playing God and teaching us to do the same. House: I taught you to think for yourselves. Cameron: You don't even think of them as people. They're just lab rats for your little puzzles. House: As you celebrate their humanity, I'd rather solve those little puzzles and save their lives. Cameron: Motives do matter. Lives can't come second. House: The patient is alive. That's what matters. Cameron: Not to you. All you care about is that Taub and Thirteen fell for your game. You'll poison them just like you poisoned Chase. House: Your husband klled a patient and you're breaking up with me. Cameron: You ruined him. So he can't even see right from wrong. Can't even see the sanctity of a human life anymore. I loved you. [tearing up] And I loved Chase. I'm sorry for you both. [crying openly] For what you've become. Because... there's no way back for either of you. [She sniffs a couple of times then pulls herself together. House stares at her. She sticks her hand out and he ignores it as he did when she quit at the end of Role Model. She steps forward and kisses him on the cheek. He hasn’t moved. She leaves. He follows her and stops in the doorway, watching her go.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. He’s doing paperwork at his desk. House enters.] House: Any idea where I can get a great, big "Mission Accomplished" banner? Got my sanity back, my license back, and now... Wilson: [He thinks for a moment then realizes what House means.] You're kidding. All of them? House: Three out of four. Which is almost as good as four out of five. Wilson: Who was the – House: Cameron. Wilson: Wow. I can't believe it. I mean, really. I can't... believe it. You were right, House. Good for you. House: Yeah, it is. She's broken up with Chase, and she's leaving the hospital. Still, three out of four ain't bad. [He leaves.] [Closing montage to Jets Overhead's Where Did You Go?] [Thirteen hands Hank a glass of helminths (worm) in a clear liquid. He drinks it as she and Lexa look on. Thirteen looks at Foreman who is standing in the doorway. He leaves.] [Taub comes home. He tells Rachel that he’s going back to work for House. She turns away, upset, while he continues to talk.] [Chase sits in his living room. Cameron comes in. He turns to look at her. She comes over and gives him a very long hug. She stands, looking at him with one hand on her suitcase, then she leaves.] [Lucas and Cuddy leaving the hospital. He runs his hand gently across her forehand, brushing her bangs away. She smiles at him, happy.] [Pan up to the balcony above them. House leans on the railing, watching and thinking.] [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x08 - Teamwork"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a science bookstore. Ed Beringer is organizing some shelves. James Sidas, a messenger, enters with several boxes on a hand truck. He has a heavy beard and wears a knit cap pulled almost to his eyebrows.] Sidas: Hey. Beringer: Hey, I’ll be right there. Sidas: Take your time. You mind if I get a drink of water? Beringer: No, not at all. Help yourself. [Sidas puts the electronic log on the desk and goes to the cooler. He looks at the books on the cart next to him. They have names like “Atoms & Molecules” and “Astrophysial Quantities.” He pulls one off the shelf and looks at it. He puts his cup on the counter as he turns the book over, staring intently.] Beringer: [approaches and chuckles] Not exactly beach reading, huh? Sidas: Do you understand any of that stuff? Beringer: Well, most of these I can get through, But, uh, that one? Can't get past the dust jacket. Where's Ted? Sidas: Laid off. Company's going with per diem workers. You know, you don't have to pay overtime, health insurance. Beringer: Wow. that sucks. Sidas: I don't mind. really, I'm not a 40-hour-a-week kind of guy. [He pauses as if he’s lost his train of thought.] Uh... If I could just get you to sign. Beringer: Right. um... Hang on one second. I want to show you something. [He chuckles as he goes to get a book off the shelf. Sidas coughs.] You're gonna laugh, but, uh, I swear, this guy James Sidas looks exactly like you. Wait, hang on a second. [He stares at the picture on the book jacket.] This guy is you. [He holds the book in front of Sidas. The picture is of a kid with blond hair. He’s in his late teens or early twenties.] I saw a profile Nova did on you. You're, like, the youngest guy to ever graduate MIT? Sidas: Standards were lower back then. Beringer: You got an IQ of 178. Published three books and 35 papers all before the age of 18? Sidas: Yeah, uh, sorry, I really need to get going. So if I could just get you to sign off. Beringer: All right. I'll trade you. I'll sign if you'll sign. Sidas: I'm not that guy anymore. Beringer: Come on, man. This is the most exciting thing that's happened in this place in years. [Sidas sighs and takes the pen. He starts to sign but his hand shakes. He drops the pen a couple of times. Beringer chuckles.] Come on. Don't be like that. I'm paying you a compliment. Sidas: It's... It's not that, um... My hand's not working. Beringer: Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa. You okay? Sidas: [pulling off his cap and looking around] No. [Opening Credits] [Cut to the cafeteria. House tosses a bagel with cream cheese on the counter in front of the cashier.] Cashier: $2.32. House: Put it on Dr. Wilson's tab. Cashier: I don't know who Dr. Wilson is, and we don't have tabs. House: Do you know who I am? Cashier: No. House: Good. Cashier: But, sir – Cuddy: [approaching] I got it. It's all right. [She pulls some bills from a pocket in her skirt and gives them to the cashier.] House: Thanks. Although I should make it clear that for two bucks all you get is top half, over the clothes. Any plans for turkey day? [They leave the cafeteria and enter the lobby of the hospital.] Cuddy: Go to my sister's for dinner. Why? House: Just making pleasant conversation. I've heard tell of folks doing such. Cuddy: How 'bout we talk about this? [She hands him a blue folder.] 15-year-old. Recurring migraines and blurred vision. House: Great. Cuddy: Really? House: Sure. There's no point in putting a band together if we're not gonna play any gigs. Cuddy: Hold on. Take this instead. [She swaps the folder she gave him for another one.] I was expecting more resistance. House: That was the old me. New me is static-guarded and friction-free. [He turns and walks away.] Enjoy your drumstick. [Cuddy is left looking after him, puzzled.] [Cut to Diagnostics. Chase, Foreman, Taub and Thirteen are there.] House: Ready to save some lives? [He throws the file on the table.] 32-year-old courier. Ataxia, anemia, mild cough. CT was clear. Tox screen negative. Chase: What're you so excited about? House: Why wouldn't I be? Got all my starters back, plus a couple of first-class free agents. I feel like Mike Tomlin. [He looks at Foreman.] Probably not as much as you do, but you get the idea. [He takes a bite of his bagel.] Thirteen: Ataxia and anemia could be viral. Maybe West Nile? House: No fever, lymph glands were normal. Anybody seen Wilson? Taub: Hyperbilirubinemia? House: [scoffing as he heads for his office] Yeah, like that's a real thing. Chase: Meningitis. House: Anemia's a stretch. [picks up his phone] Page Dr. James Wilson at 558. Taub: What about sickle cell? Foreman: Guy's white. Taub: Whites can get it. House: Come on. We get the tennis elbow and all the money. Let them have sickle cell. Foreman: TTP's a better fit. Thirteen: He's right. [House, Chase and Taub stare at her.] What, you thought I wouldn't agree with him? Ever? House: You didn't agree with him. That's why he dumped you. Oh, sorry. It was mutual. Foreman: We're cool, okay? Nobody's angry, nobody's hurt. House: Sounds passionate. Chase: [clearing his throat] TTP makes sense to me. Taub: Not to me. What if he had a history of – House: One big, happy family. TTP it is. Confirm with a blood smear and adamts13 antibodies. [The team leaves and House stands there eating his bagel.] Voice on PA: Dr. James Wilson, please dial 558. [Cut to Sidas’s room.] Dara: Can you cure it? Thirteen: TTP isn't completely curable, but the symptoms are manageable with the proper treatment. Dara: Is this the treatment? Thirteen: No, first we need to do a blood test to confirm the diagnosis. Dara: But he's gonna get better. Sidas: Honey, that's what she's saying. I'm gonna be okay. Don't worry. Dara; How can't I worry? You're in the hospital. Sidas: I'm gonna be fine. Taub: You're sure everything was fine before? Given your educational background, you'd think you could at least find a job with a medical plan. Sidas: We have money. Don't worry. Taub: It's not that, it's just – I want to make sure we have all the information we should. Dara: My husband wouldn't lie. Sidas: It's okay, baby. He's just doing his job. He just wants to make sure I’m not a secret drug addict or an alcoholic. Taub: Or hiding a history of mental illness? Sidas: I work as a courier because I want to. It's easy. I don't have to think. Taub: It's too hard to think. Sidas: No, just unpleasant. No matter what I did, it really wasn't good enough. Then I met Dara. She didn't care how smart I was or what I might accomplish in the future. It was the first time in my life that I was really happy. So I decided I would rather be happy than smart. [He and Dara look at each other and smile.] [Cut to a pair of men’s hands. A door opens. It’s Foreman. Chase, whose hands those were, is lying on the couch in the doctors’ lounge.] Foreman: You all right? Sorry. I know you're not okay. I mean... Chase: [getting up] She left. Went back to Chicago. Foreman: Any chance of reconciliation? Chase: Nope. [He walks away from Foreman and opens the refrigerator, studying the contents.] Foreman: Sure you don't want to grab a drink after work? Figured we could talk about the perils of dating doctors. Chase: I wasn't dating Cameron. Foreman: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to – Chase: [coming over] I know what you're doing and I appreciate it, but I've got it under control. Foreman: That's what you said about the Dibala incident. And obviously you didn't. Chase: And talking about it obviously made things so much better. [Chase walks out.] [Cut to the lab. Taub and Thirteen are running tests.] Taub: Didn't you think there was something weird about that guy? Thirteen: Not really. In fact, he seemed pretty normal. Taub: That's my point. Guys with IQs off the chart are usually completely... abnormal. Thirteen: Speaking of House, why'd you come back? I mean, you must've taken a major pay cut. Taub: Life's too short to worry about money. Thirteen: Your wife feel the same way? Taub: She's happy to cut back on some things... like sex. Why'd you come back? Thirteen: Why wouldn't I? Like Foreman said, nobody's angry. Nobody's hurt. [looking in the microscope] Schistocytes. Taub: That means TTP. Thirteen: Which is what we thought it'd be. Remember? This is a good thing. Taub: This is an easy thing. And House doesn't take cases that are easy, which means it's not TTP, and he wants to see how long it takes us to catch up to him. [Cut to the hallway in front of Oncology. House is headed that way. Thirteen and Taub follow him.] Taub: Schistocytes suggest TTP. House: [ducking to look through a door then moving on] Good. Now what? Thirteen: Normally, we'd try plasmapheresis, but the patient has an albumin colloid allergy. House: So? Taub: So that means we have to give him a splenectomy. House: Yes, it does. [He enters the men’s room. Taub looks at Thirteen and goes in. She looks around, then follows them.] [In the men’s room, House is checking for feet under the stall doors.] House: Wilson? Man in stall: No. House: Do you know where he is? Man in stall: Not in here. Thirteen: You're sure you want us to take out his spleen. House: Is that what a "splenectomy" is? I thought it was an ice cream treat. Yuck. Taub: So you do really think he has TTP? You're not just testing us. House: Yeah, like I have time for games. Taub: So why did you really take this case? House: Isn't it obvious? I'm fishing for a dinner invite. [He walks past them and leaves. As the toilet flushes, they leave too.] [Cut to the lobby. House is sitting on the bench next to the door, under the wall of plaques honoring benefactors. Wilson enters and goes to the desk for his messages.] House: Missed you at breakfast this morning. And lunch. Wilson: I had a dentist appointment. House: [joining Wilson] You know where Cuddy's sister lives? [They cross the lobby together.] Wilson: You see. This is why I don't answer your urgent pages. Because they're not urgent pages. House: I've decided what I’m gonna do about Cuddy and Lucas. I'm going to break them up. Wilson: Of course. House: It's given me a purpose in life, a goal, a raison d’être. Wilson: Albeit a selfish, mean-spirited, childish raison. [He rings for the elevator.] House: Ehhhhh. I think of it more as benevolent. There's only two possible outcomes for their relationship. They split, or they stay together forever. If it's split, then the sooner it happens the better for everyone. If it's stay, then my meddling won't matter. [elevator bell dings] In fact, if they survive it, it might even make their bond stronger. Wilson: [entering the elevator with House] How you manage to elevate your narcissism to beneficence is masterful. [Cut to the elevator cab.] House: And I’ve decided to do it at Thanksgiving dinner. Just 'cause I’m sentimental. Dinner is at Cuddy's sister's, which brings us back – Wilson: House, don't. House: I fished for an invite. Cuddy wasn't biting, so I'll have to crash. Wilson: I have no idea where Cuddy's sister lives. House: Ask and thou shalt receive. [They leave the elevator and walking down the hall.] Wilson: You can't honestly think I would help you with this. House: Not help me, help Cuddy, remember? If you don't get it, I'll be forced to use more nefarious methods. Wilson: Happy holiday. [leaves] [Cut to Sidas’s rom. Chase is checking the surgical site.] Chase: Huh. Looks great. Dara: So he's all better? Chase: Probably be on some long-term meds, and he's about ten ounces lighter. Other than that, won't even know it's gone. Dara: Did you hear that, honey? You're gonna be just fine. Sidas: When can I get out of here? Chase: Everything checks out, less than a week. Sidas: Good, 'cause those boxes aren't gonna deliver colors. Chase: [frowning] Colors? Sidas: Green... and orange... and ceiling. Chase: [checking Sidas’s eyes with a flashlight] Mr. Sidas, do you know where you are? Sidas: Chewing. Dara: Jimmy? [A monitor beeps.] Sidas: Shirt... Chase: [to a nurse] He's stroking. Call the cath lab now. Dara: Oh, my God. [A nurse puts a mask on Sidas’s face.] [Cut to Diagnostics. Chase is standing. House is in his office. The rest of the team is at the table.] Chase: Blood flow's restored. [over his shoulder to House] There appears to be no permanent damage. House: [spitting a pencil from his mouth into his hand] Good news is it turns out to be an exciting, action-packed thrill ride of a case after all. Chase: Bad news is we took out his spleen for nothing. House: [picks up the phone and dials] Thank God he's still got his appendix and tonsils. So what looks like TTP, acts like TTP, tests like TTP, but isn't TTP? Taub: CNS vasculitis. Explains ataxia, and anemia, maybe the stroke. Foreman: CT would've picked up something. House: Hi, I’m Greg House, a friend of your sister, Lisa. Thirteen: Could be DIC. House: Lisa Cuddy. Sorry. Wrong number. [hangs up] Thirteen: [to Taub] You gonna ask? Taub: I'm sure he's got a perfectly logical explanation. House: Can't be DIC. No hemorrhaging. And I’m calling all 12 Julia Cuddys within a 100-mile radius. Taub: [to Thirteen] See? Completely reasonable. [to House] Acquired pancytopenia. Chase: WBC's normal. House: [on the phone again] Hey, Julia. You're, uh – you're Lisa's sister, right? You sure? 'Cause you are number 12. Thirteen: Maybe she got married and changed her name. Foreman: Otis Campbell. House: [hanging up] Probably kept her first name. Foreman: The mnemonic for toxins. O for organophosphates, T for tricyclics, I for insulin… House” Or as I remember it, "moist place." That's "place" spelled with two Ls and a silent B. Thirteen: Except the tox screen was negative. Chase: Standard tox screen. Unstandard toxins don't show up on it. House: Well, you two do an unstandard tox screen; you two search his home. Otis Campbell's got to be hiding somewhere. [Cut to the Sidas’s home. It’s a badly decorated dump.] Taub: Smartest guy in the world, and this is the best he can do. Chase: Maybe he's doing what he loves. Delivering boxes was a childhood dream. Taub: [checking the refrigerator] Soda, processed cheese, marshmallow spread. Nothing in here is capable of going bad. Chase: [in the bathroom, a few feet from the kitchen] Ibuprofen, eye drops, cough syrup. Taub: You want to come over for Thanksgiving dinner? Chase: [sticking his head out of the shower] You never asked me over before. Why now? Taub: I just never thought of it. But now that we're both on the team... Chase: And my wife left me? Taub: Is that a bad reason? Chase: No. But, uh, I’m okay. On both the food and friends. Taub: Mice. Leptospirosis could explain the ataxia and the anemia. [He picks up droppings with a tweezers and drops them in a container.] Chase: But not without a fever. Taub: You have someone to talk to? Chase: Yeah. Taub: Who? Chase: What, you want names? [shakes head slightly] Look, you lost a friend. I get it. But I’m not Kutner. Taub: Good, 'cause Kutner never used to come over for dinner. Chase: [gesturing behind himself] I'm gonna pretend there's something interesting over here so you'll shut up. [Chase opens a closet and turns on the light. It’s full of notebooks. He take one. Taub joins him, grabs a couple and starts to leaf through one.] Taub: Actually, there is. He's got sketches of atomic structure. This one's full of math proofs. Chase: They're all old. Nothing since '96. Taub: This isn't some homework assignment his parents forced on him. This is passion. Why would he want to stop doing this? Chase: Marriage destroyed his soul. [He looks down and sees a vent with a loose cover. He kneels, removes it and looks inside. He pulls out a bottle.] Ooh. Or maybe it was just the booze. [Cut to the clinic. A door opens and a patient comes out, smiling, followed by House.] Diana: Thank you, doctor, you've been wonderful. House: As have you, Diana. Be well. Diana: Thank you. [Cuddy is at the desk. She looks surprised or, maybe, suspicious.] Cuddy: You're helping. Voluntarily. Jeffrey: He's done six already. House: Figured you might be getting backed up. The holiday season and all. Cuddy: So which one of us slipped through the wormhole into an alternate dimension? House: I have always loved to travel. And paint. Lucky number seven. Cuddy: House... I know you're trying to be nice, but I also know you're doing it because you have an agenda. House: Wow. Sexy and smart. Lucas is a lucky guy. Cuddy: The question is, is this a bad agenda or a good one? Either you're trying to screw with me, or you're trying to show me that you've really changed. House: [pause. exaggerated curiosity] So which is it? I’m dying to know. Cuddy: What are you doing for Thanksgiving dinner? [Cut to Wilson’s office. House opens the door and enters. He holds a piece of paper aloft.] House: Peace in our time. It cost me 45 minutes of clinic duty. [He hands the paper to Wilson.] Wilson: This is a three-hour drive. Have you considered the possibility that this is a fake address? House: You think she'd send me to a vacant lot for Thanksgiving dinner? Wilson: If she's smart. House: She is. That's why I ran it through motor vehicles. Good as gold. Wilson: This cannot end well. House: I don't want it to end well. You should come as my date. You're not gonna want to miss this. [He leaves.] [Cut to House’s office. He’s has a tie in each hand and is examining himself in the mirror with each.] Foreman: The unstandard tox screen was as clean as the standard one. Taub: But we found vodka stashed away in his place. Thirteen: What's with the ties? House: Makes me look adorably non-thrat. Party [brown and orange] or party hearty [white and tan]? Chase: Liver failure would explain all the symptoms. [House gestures with one tie.] Party. House: [tossing the white and tan tie and putting the other one on] So guy's a brainiac, and his secret drug of choice is booze? That's kind of pedestrian, don't you think? Taub: Talk to him. He's a pedestrian guy. Foreman: With pedestrian alcoholism. Liver biopsy can wait until after Thanksgiving. House: Yes, assuming the biopsy's gonna tell us exactly what we expect it to tell us, it can wait till after New Year's. On the other hand, Taub and Thirteen can do the liver biopsy today. Taub: Why us? House: Juniority. Welcome back. Chase: What do you want us to do? House: Same as me. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. [He leaves.] [Cut to Sidas’s rom.] Sidas: I'm not an alcoholic. Taub: Yes, you just hide vodka around the house for fun. Sidas: I drink, just not a lot. Dara: Since when do you drink at all? Sidas: I have one sht when I get home from work, baby, that's it. Thirteen: So why lie to your wife about it? Sidas: Because it's not important. What difference does it make? Dara: That you drink every day by yourself? Sidas: I have one lousy drink, okay? Have you ever seen me drunk? Ever? Dara: No, but you've obviously been drinking enough to hurt your liver. Sidas: My liver is fine. Thirteen: Hold still. Taub: [checking the ultrasound and taking the sample] There we go. Sidas: This test is a waste of time. [Musical montage to James Taylor’s “Games People Play.” Intercut between House, outside (on the street) and Cuddy and Lucas inside (with friends, having Thanksgiving dinner.)] [A suburban street. House drives up. He checks the address on the paper.] [Cuddy is at the table with several other people. Food is passed around. The atmosphere is cheerful. Cuddy stands up, holding a wine bottle, just a Lucas emerges from the kitchen, carrying the turkey.] Lucas: Ta-dah! Hey. Cuddy: Want some wine? [House gets out of the car. He has his cane and a bottle of wine in his hand.] Lucas: [carving the turkey] All right. Very good. Here, we got this. [Cuddy eats some. Another woman takes a bite and smiles.] Woman: String beans? [House walks toward the house.] [Cuddy and others at the table share a laugh.] [House raps on the glass in the front door.] [Cuddy looks off to the side. A clock shows that it’s a few minutes after 3.] [A blurry House is seen through the glass of the door as a young woman opens it.] House: Julia? House Sitter: No, I’m the house sitter. They're in Hawaii for the week. [House looks around. The house is dark and unoccupied-looking.] [Cuddy raises her glass for a toast.] Cuddy: Happy Thanksgiving. Lucas: Happy Thanksgiving, you guys. [House is still in the doorway.] House Sitter: You must be Dr. House. I was told I should offer you a turkey sandwich. [He looks away, knowing he’s been had.] [At the party, Cuddy looks at the clock again.] [Cut to the hospital. Thirteen enters the lab with two plates of sandwiches.] Thirteen: Tuna salad. Closest thing they had to turkey. Taub: Thanks. But I’m hoping I can still get out of here to catch the tail end of dinner with my wife. Thirteen: Anything? Taub: No cirrhosis, no scarring, no infection. Thirteen: Blood panel? Taub: Elevated albumen: 7.2. Thirteen: [eating her sandwich] That's it? Taub: Everything else is fine. Thirteen: So it was a waste of time. Taub: Unless… it's not his liver that's elevating his albumen, it's his kidneys. Thirteen: Renal failure. Explains the anemia. If he developed hyperkalemia, that would explain the ataxia. But the stroke? Taub: Ischemic encephalopathy. Thirteen: Nice. Except now we have to stay and test his kidneys. [She hands him his sandwich.] [Cut to a dark apartment. A man enters and tosses his keys on the table. He turns on a light and sees House slouching in an armchair. The man – Lucas – jumps.] House: Key under the mat. Lucas: There's no key under the mat. House: Oh, right. You need to replace one of your kitchen windows. I helped myself to your wine cellar. [He picks up an almost empty bottle of something.] I'll leave a buck on the way out. You're not right for her. Lucas: And you are? House: Less wrong. Lucas: Ah. House: Then I started thinking... [long pause while Lucas waits] What was I saying? Lucas: You were saying it's late, and... House: She invited me. She didn't know if she should. She was trying to figure out if I really have changed or... if I’m still the same old S.O.B. I've always been. But she always gave me a chance. 832 chances. And I used up every one of them. 832's her limit. Make a note. Lucas: How 'bout a cup of coffee? [He heads for the kitchen.] It's just instant, but... [He hears a “clunk” and turns. House has let the bottle drop from his hand onto the floor. He pushes himself to a standing position and wobbles a little.] House: I'm pathetic. I don't deserve her. [House lands face first on the couch. The rest of him is on the floor and he starts to roll off the couch. Lucas: Okay, okay, all right. Uh, here. [Lucas comes over, grabs House under the arms and helps him onto the couch. He exhales loudly. House is draped across his lap.] Maybe you should crash here. It's a sofa bed. House: I love her. [Cut to the cafeteria. The team is there.] Taub: Patient’s liver’s fine. It’s his kidneys that are sht. And where the hell is House? Foreman: He left a message on the machine. He’s not coming in today. So what causes kidney failure? Thirteen: Rhabdomyolysis. Taub: No edema. [to Chase] I trust you had a wonderful Thanksgiving? Chase: I don't remember. So I guess I did. Multiple myeloma. Foreman: No bone pain. Taub: You got drunk alone? Chase: No. That would be a sign that I need to talk to you about this. Polycystic kidney disease? Thirteen: No UTIs or flank pain. Chase: Well, what if his cough is more than just a cold? Thirteen: He hasn't been coughing. Chase: It's in his history, and we found a new bottle of cough syrup in his medicine cabinet. Taub: Cough could mean Goodpasture syndrome. Affects kidneys and lungs. Foreman: Start him on immunosuppressors and dialysis. Thirteen: We'll do it right after we run it by House. Foreman: He's not answering his pager. Looks like he's leaving it up to us. Thirteen: Us, not you. Taub: And since we don't disagree, you can save your fight for another case. [Taub, Thirteen and Chase leave.] [Cut to dialysis treatment room. Sidas is in a chair, being prepped by Chase.] Sidas: How long do I have to be hooked up for? Chase: Four to six hours a day until we see an improvement. Dara: What if you don't? Chase: Then we keep doing it until he gets a transplant. Dara: You were sure it was his spleen, and then you were sure it was his liver, which he told you it wasn't, and now you're sure it's his kidneys. Thirteen: It's definitely his kidneys. We just don't know why it's his kidneys. [Cut to a hallway. Thirteen walks quickly, trying to catch up with Chase.] Thirteen: Any word from Cameron? Chase: Nope. Thirteen: I started seeing a counselor after my diagnosis. She's really good. Chase: Why does everyone assume that everyone works in the exact same way? [They reach the elevators.] Thirteen: We pretty much do. Our egos want us to think we're all snowflakes, no two alike, but really we all want the same things. Love, forgiveness... chocolate. Chase: [turning to face her] Well, what I want is for everyone to leave me alone. [elevator bell dings] How do I get that? [He gets on the elevator. She makes a face as she turns back down the hall.] [Cut to the hallway outside Wilson’s apartment. House opens the door. His eyelids are at half-mast. He is bent over so far that his face is almost level with the doorknob. He sees Cuddy and opens the door all the way, propping himself up against it. He is obviously hung over.] Cuddy: What did you say to Lucas last night? House: I know there were a lot of consonants. [He winces slightly.] I don't remember how I got here, never mind what I said. Cuddy: Well, I just talked to him. And he said he thought it'd be better if we stopped seeing each other. Said he didn't realize how much there still was between you and me, and he didn't want to get caught in the middle of us. House: I was drunk. Whatever I said, he can't really – Cuddy: I've had enough, House. I actually felt bad about scamming you. But then you lived down to my expectations and then some. There is no "us." There never will be. [He slowly closes the door.] [Cut to the bathroom. House, miraculously fully recovered, swings open the door. Wilson is using an electric trimmer to trim his sideburns very, very meticulously.] House: It worked. Wilson: Please tell me you're talking about a medical procedure. House: They split up this morning. You're the very first one I've told. Wilson: And you think she'll start dating you? I'm sure she hates you. House: But her eyes say, "How will I ever pay you for that tennis lesson?" Wilson: [sighs] Ah, what a shame. House: They'll get over it. Wilson: I meant for you. House: I'll get over it faster than they do. [laughs slightly] Can't believe that Lucas fell for my "I never say this because it's so personal except that I’m drunk" profession of love. Second-oldest trick in the book. Wilson: You're right. It's his fault because he's stupid. House: [pause] He certainly is. [House leaves. Wilson goes back to perfecting his sideburns.] [Cut to dialysis treatment room. House slides open the glass door. Chase, Thirteen and Dara are with Sidas.] House: You're stupid. Sidas: Well, I’m rubber, and you're glue. House: He's not pedestrian, he's stupid. At least stupider than he should be. He's a DXM junkie. Thirteen: Dextromethorphan. As in cough syrup? House: He wasn't taking it for his cough. It's cheap, available at your corner drug store, and taken in high doses, it's a dumb drug. Dara: Dumb drug. Well, he obviously hasn't – House: He's smart compared to you. He's a moron compared to what he was. "Robotripping." Lowers the IQ. It also causes brain damage. Unless taken with the proper amount of ethanol. About one drink per day. He wasn't abusing the booze and taking the cough remedy medicinally. He was abusing the cough meds, and taking the booze medicinally. Bravo. Dara: Why would you do that? If you had a – a gift, why would you just throw it away? Sidas: I didn't throw it away. I just turned it down a little. When my brain was on low, everything didn't seem so miserable anymore. Life was bearable. Dara: I thought that I did that. Sidas: You do. House: Long-term abuse of DXM explains all your symptoms. Even – oh, sweet irony – your cough. Whole bowel lavage, activated charcoal. We get all traces of it out of your system. You'll be the unhappiest little courier in no time. [He starts to leave.] Sidas: I don't think I can live without it. House: You'd be surprised what you can live without. Make him a genius. [Cut to Sisas’s room.] Dara: I can't believe it. He looks so much better already. Sidas: We were thinking about calling GQ. Foreman: Lavage has removed all traces of DXM from his body. Dara: You're drawing again. What is it? Sidas: Just doodles. Dara: No, it's not. Come on, Jimmy, I want to know. Sidas: This is a toroidal helicon plasma device. [pause. She obviously didn’t understand a word he said. He continues, hesitantly.] It determines the amount of energy expended by the subatomic particles. [She tries to smile.] I’m thirsty. Could you get me a juice or something? Dara: Yeah, of course. I'm so happy, jimmy. Sidas: I told you. Do you know what the difference between her IQ and mine is? 91 points. [That would make her IQ 87.] In relation, she's closer to a gibbon than she is to me. Having sex with her would be an act of bestiality. Foreman: I assume you didn't marry her for her skill in applied physics. Sidas: I just wish she could spell it. Foreman: You really think you'd be happier with someone who could spell better? Sidas: No. That's the problem. I’m the one who's a jerk. But I owe her everything. I want to want to be with her. And when I’m clear, I... I can't. [Cut to the clinic. House is examining a young woman.] House: Fainting, dizziness, shortness of breath? Ronnie: Sometimes. Is the wait always this long? House: Only on days that end in "day." Diarrhea, weight loss? Ronnie: A bit. Don't you ever shave? House: Yeah. once a week. How 'bout you? Stomach pain, tenderness? Ronnie: Every now and then. Are you this rude to all your patients? House: Oh, yes! Don't think you're special. So we've got a lot of vague, unverifiable symptoms. Yet all the physical signs are perfectly normal. Ronnie: What do you think I have? House: I'm not sure, but I think it's... a lame job. Ronnie: What? House: You're a rat. Insurance company sends you out to check on the quality of medical care. Ronnie: That's ridiculous. House: Is it really? 'Cause you seem a lot more interested in asking questions than answering them. Handwriting on your medical records is obviously not a doctor's 'cause I can almost read it. And when you went out for a urine sample, I looked in your purse. Found the list of questions you were supposed to memorize before you came to the clinic. I was looking for gum. Ronnnie: You're an ass. House: Put it in your report. I tell you what. I'll give you 20 bucks if you'll pretend that I’m not when we leave this room. [She considers his offer.] [Cut to the exam room door opening. Ronnie is smiling as she leaves. House is right behind her.] House: Remember, first ice, then heat. If you have any problems, don't hesitate to call me. Ronnie: Thank you, Dr. House. [She walks off. House puts her chart on the desk and looks around.] House: Wait a second. Where's Cuddy? Jeffrey: Gone for the day. House: [He sees Ronnie leaving.] Hey, hey, hey! [She runs for the outer door.] Sorry. I can't remember if I've mocked you yet for being a male nurse. Jeffrey: I think this counts. House: Fair enough. [He leaves.] [Cut to a hallway by the pathology wing. Dara is sitting on one of the benches. Foreman approaches.] Dara: That isn't the man I married. Foreman: Yes, he is. He's just smarter. Give him some time. I’m sure – Dara: He hates me. Foreman: His body is going through withdrawal. He's adjusting. Dara: Maybe he never loved me. Not really. Maybe we never really had anything at all. Sidas: [yelling] Somebody help! [Dara and Foreman run to his room.] I can't feel my legs. I can't feel my legs. [Foreman takes out a pen. He taps Sidas’s leg in several places and runs the pen up and down his calf.] Anywhere. Nothing. [Cut to Taub’s bedroom. Rachel is in bed, reading.] Taub: We have to talk about this. Rachel: It's late. I’m tired. Taub: I know it's a big pay cut, but I'll always have the chance to make money. I won't always have the chance to do this job. Rachel: [looking up] That's what you think? That it's about the money? Taub: So it's that I didn't consult you before I took the job? Rachel: That was offensive, but it's not about that either. Taub: So then... Can you give me the first letter? Rachel: [puts down book] When we got married, you were an intern working 30-hour shifts doing grunt work. And we both put up with it because we knew that it was leading to something better. In your private practice, you are the boss. You call the shts. But now you're 40 years old, you're still doing grunt work. Taub: That's what this is about? You think I’m a wuss? Rachel: He made you miss Thanksgiving dinner. [He looks at her. Before he can say anything, his pager goes off. He looks at it, then at Rachel, and sighs.] [Cut to Diagnostics.] Thirteen: Vitamin B12 deficiency? Gives us anemia, numbness. House: Not a stroke. Thirteen: If he has a vascular malformation – Anemia's not macrocytic. House: Sorry to inconvenience you. Dying patients can be so thoughtless. Taub: Don't. House: Great comeback. Is that Oscar Wilde? Come on, people. Foreman: Bone marrow malignancy. House: Wouldn't produce schistocytes. Taub: Lupus. House: Gee, thanks for coming in. ANA was negative. [to Chase] What about you? Got any predictable drivel you'd like to add? Chase: I think they've given you enough already. House: Well, at least they're trying. They're not just sitting there like roadkill. Give me something. Give me something, or I'll get your ex-smarter half on the phone and ask her. Foreman: House. [Chase, who is sitting by the glass wall, smiles slightly to himself. He stands up and walks over to House who looks puzzled. Chase looks at him for a moment then slams him with a punch to the face. House goes down. Chase leaves. House, on the floor, puts his hand on his eye momentarily and shakes his head.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She enters. House is sitting on the couch. He has a bandaid on his nose and his eye is turning interesting colors.] Cuddy: You're gonna be pressing charges? House: Against the ottoman I tripped over? Cuddy: Against Chase. House: I'm pretty sure the ottoman was acting alone. You free for dinner this weekend? Cuddy: At least three other people saw him do it. House: Mass hysteria. Either night? Cuddy: I can't have doctors punching each other out. House: Oh, my God, who got punched? Cuddy: And more importantly, for Chase's sake, I need to know if he's able to handle himself or if I should be getting him some help. House: Chase couldn't have punched anyone. He was with me when I tripped over the ottoman. If you're not planning on eating this weekend, maybe a movie? Cuddy: I'm not doing this, House. It's not fun anymore. Just do your job. [She leaves. He sits, thinking.] [Cut to Sidas’s room. House slides the door open and enters.] House: I need your help. Sidas: What happened to your face? House: I was mowing the lawn when the phone rang. You're a computer. I’m gonna feed you data, and you analyze it. Sidas: What, are you gonna feed me 20 years of medical knowledge too? It's not gonna work. House: I know. But I don't have anyone else to ask. Sidas: It's lonely, isn't it? House: It's not that bad. Sidas: Then you're not that smart. You ever tried to kll yourself? House: Not quickly. Sidas: I did. 12 years ago I jumped off the top of my eight-story building into a dumpster bin the day before pickup. I broke my collarbone, my leg, and three ribs. When I was in the hospital they put me on narcotics and suddenly everything was just better. I didn't feel isolated or lonely. That's where I met my wife. She was so happy. And dumb. And I was... smart... and miserable. You tell me who the genius is. I fell in love with her buzzed out of my head, and I knew I wanted to stay that way forever. [House closes the file. He pulls a bottle of DXM from his pocket and hands it to Sidas.] House: Enjoy. Sidas: [chuckles] Easier on your conscience if I die an idiot? House: What's a conscience? [He starts to leave, then turns back.] Which ribs... did you break in the fall? They on the left side? Sidas: Yeah, bottom three. That was 12 years ago. [Cut to MRI. Sidas is on the platform. House is injecting him. Taub and Foreman come in, followed by Chase and Thirteen.] Taub: This probably cost me my marriage, so it better be awesome. Foreman: Ferrous oxide contrast? [House sees Chase. He grabs Taub and uses him as a human shield.] House: Gets absorbed by the spleen. Unless he doesn't have one. In which case it's absorbed by the liver, and fries that. Taub: You're klling him? Chase: You think I opened him up and didn't take out his spleen? [House starts the MRI then heads for the observation room, followed by the team.] House: All organs do look kind of the same – red and squishy. [House types something into the computer.] Thirteen: Oh, my God. Foreman: Accessory spleens. Taub: Okay, that is amazing. House: 12 years, eight stories, and a dumpster ago, he broke three ribs, damaged his spleen. Bits of it split off, circulated through his bloodstream until they landed and attached somewhere else. Chase: So it is TTP. I just didn't remove... all of his spleens. House: 16 splenectomies. Pretty sure he gets a set of steak knives with that. [House leaves. Chase starts to follow.] [Cut to the hallway. House turns as Chase leaves the MRI room and he starts walking faster.] Chase: I can outrun you. [House stops and turns toward Chase.] Sorry about the nose. And the eye. And the, uh... eyebrow. House: Guess I deserved it. Chase: Well, if I thought that, I wouldn't be apologizing. House: Your fist slipped? Chase: Everybody kept bugging me, asking if I was okay. House: So you busted my nose to keep people off your back. Chase: [wincing then admitting it] Pretty much. House: Making people even more worried about you. Chase: Maybe. But at least they're not talking to me about it. House: [slight nod] Fair enough. Chase: Cheers. [Chase heads off. House almost smiles.] [Cut to post-op. Taub is checking Sidas. House sits on the next bed.] Sidas: Thank you. House: Don't be so grateful. You'll be delivering packages for 70 years to pay for it. Sidas: Well, uh, thanks for our talk. It's been a while since I had a stimulating conversation. House: So what're you gonna do? Sidas: Go back to my life. Taub: Which one? Sidas: The one that has my wife in it. Taub: Robotripping. How's she feel about that? Sidas: Well, she doesn't have to know. It's worked for 12 years. House: [standing] Tell your brain I said good-bye. [Sidas nods. House leaves.] [Cut to the hallway. Taub catches up with House.] Taub: Einstein is giving himself a lobotomy, and you're cool with that? House: Ignorance is bliss. Taub: Hold that pose. [He whips out a camera and takes a picture of House.] I'll start with t-shirts and mugs, and see how it goes. [Cut to Taub’s living room. Rachel is working on her laptop. Taub sits on the couch next to her.] Taub: Home early. [He holds up the camera with House’s picture in the viewer.] Rachel: What happened to him? You b*at up House? Taub: Just one right hook. Rachel: Why? What happened? Taub: You were right. I told him we need to lay down some ground rules, got a little heated. Rachel: That's not what I meant. Is he okay? Are you gonna be fired? Arrested? Taub: Everything's fine. Rachel: [staring at the picture] Wow. [She closes the laptop and leans over to kiss him, then crawl on top of him.] [Cut to the hospital lobby. House is sitting by the front desk. Cuddy comes out of the clinic, facing House. She turns to leave for the day.] House: [rising] Dr. Cuddy. Can we at least be civil? [She stops and he joins her.] Cuddy: How's your nose? House: It's okay. Does your kid like animals? I got tickets to that holiday carnival. I hear they have a nice petting zoo. Cuddy: I think I was pretty clear before. House: I don't mean with me. Here. Take 'em. Enjoy. Cuddy: No, thanks. House: They're not fake. I didn't steal them. One of the nurses was selling 'em for her kid's scout trip. I know it doesn't make things right between us, but I just wanted to do something nice. Cuddy: [looking pained.] I don't want them. House: Okay. Cuddy: I'll see you tomorrow. [Cut to Wilson’s. House is in the bathroom, examining his wounds. Wilson enters.] House: They didn't split up. She wouldn't take the tickets. Wilson: Of course. Windtalker code for "we never split up." House, she told you multiple times she wants nothing to do with you. House: I wasn't gonna be there. She just felt guilty that I felt guilty, so she couldn't take them. Wilson: Either that or she didn't want to appease you. House: These weren't reparations. Just a simple gesture of remorse, and she slapped it down. They didn't break up. She just wanted me to think that so I’d back off. Wilson: Dare I ask what you're gonna do? House: Nothing. I said they'd either break up or they'd stay together. They didn't break up. Wilson: And you're okay with that? House: It is what it is. Wilson: Good for you. House: [pulling the bandaid off] Aah. [Cut to Cuddy’s living room. James Taylor’s Enditol plays in the background. She comes in and smiles. Lucas is on the floor, holding Rachel.] Cuddy: House knows I lied. Lucas: Why? What'd he say? Cuddy: Nothing. I could just tell. Lucas: You want to stage another breakup? Cuddy: No. [picking up Rachel] Oh, hi. It seems like he's gonna leave us alone. Lucas: Why would he do that? Cuddy: I'm not completely sure. Lucas: So, we have his blessing? Cuddy: I guess so. Lucas: I mad you some eggplant Parmesan. Maybe House isn't so bad after all. Cuddy: That would be nice, wouldn't it? [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x09 - Ignorance Is Bliss"}	foreverdreaming
[The scene opens on Wilson fast asleep in his bed. Repetitive guitar strumming can be heard in the background. The music wakes up Wilson] Wilson: Oh. How the... [Wilson sits up in bed and now House can be heard singing. He is playing a guitar and singing Faith, by George Michael. Wilson gets out of bed and stumbles into his living room, which is now cluttered with House’s guitars and motorcycle helmets] House: (singing) Well, I guess it would be nice, if I could touch your body, I know not everybody has got a body like you. Baaby. Wilson: You know, most people go for the hardwood or carpeting. I think guitars and garbage work just as well. House: Got the urge to play last night. Had to go all the way back to my apartment. Thought I'd save on future trips. Wilson: Hmm. That's very eco-friendly of you. How about keeping down on the noise pollution? House: (looking at his watch) 6:33. You should be flossing by now. Wilson: I'm not going to work today. I'm going hunting. (Wilson holds out his hands to stop House from commenting, then turns to go back into his bedroom) After I sleep in. [He slams his bedroom door and gets back into bed, facing away from the door. Just as he gets settled, House opens the bedroom door] Wilson: Ah. Ah. House: Is it that time of year again? He's a self-important jerk. Wilson: He's my friend. House: He's a self-important jerk. Wilson: (clearly annoyed) Seems to be what I'm attracted to. House: Guy calls you Jim. Doesn't even know your name. Wilson: Jim is short for James. Now go away, Lim. (House closes the door and Wilson goes back to sleep) [A gn is heard and the scene cuts to a forested area where we see Wilson and his friend Tucker dressed in full hunting regalia] Tucker: Nice sht, Jim. Wilson: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. I nailed that tree. (He pumps the gn to reload) Maple syrup for dinner. We should have got a guide. Tucker: Oh, doesn't count as new adventure if you have someone holding your hand. Wilson: On the other hand, we are holding wapon and have no idea what we're doing. Fun. Tucker: We need to sneak up on them. I read somewhere that the Native Americans say turkeys know what you're thinking. Wilson: So I should stop thinking about German prn. Tucker: (looking through his binoculars) No, no. That'll lure them closer. [Through the binoculars Tucker sees more turkeys up in a tree and takes a sht at them, the turkeys gobble and scatter] Tucker: We're terrible at this. (He reloads his gn) Wilson: Yeah. Well, at least it's cold and my new boots leak. Tucker: Well, it's almost time anyway. Did you bring the bag? [Wilson hands his gn to Tucker and pulling a chemotherapy drug bag out of his pocket, walks up to a nearby tree. He pulls a hunting Knfe from a pouch on his belt and sab it through the bag and into the tree] Tucker: May 30, 2004, 10:07 a.m. Dr. Wilson informed me that if treatment didn't go well, my leukemia would give me only six more months to live. November 30, 2004, six months later, I didn't die. As long as I am alive, I will find new and exciting ways to thank you for giving me another year. (Wilson writes “Year 5!” on the bag with a marker) Now move very, very far away from there so that I can be sure and thank you again next year. [Wilson walks back to where Tucker is standing and, taking his gn back, stands behind Tucker. Tucker clears his throat and taking careful aim, destroys the bag on the tree. He pumps his gn to reload] Tucker: (sincerely) Thanks, Jim. Wilson: (patting Tucker on the shoulder) All right, let's see how many more turkeys we can miss. (Tucker grins) [Wilson walks on ahead of Tucker and blows on a turkey call] Wilson: (He groans and looks back at Tucker) Yeah, this will work. [Tucker motions him to try again but just as Wilson prepares to blow on into the turkey call again, a gn goes off, startling Wilson as birdshot whizzes past his head] Wilson: (jumping) What the hell? Tucker: God. Sorry, I don't know what happened. I can't move my arm. Am I having a stroke? [Wilson runs back to Tucker who has collapsed to the ground] Wilson: I don't know. OPENING CREDITS [Cut to the busy PPTH emergency room. Wilson approaches Tucker’s bed. A young woman is standing by the bed] Wilson: Good news. Head CT doesn't show any signs of a stroke. Ashley: So he's gonna be okay, right? Wilson: I cannot believe how much you've grown up in five years. (He glances at Tucker who is shaking his head) She's... She's not Emily. Tucker: Ashley, my girlfriend. New life, new adventures. Ashley, meet Jim. Wilson: It's good to meet you. Ashley: So this arm thing, does that mean his leukemia's back? Wilson: I checked blood counts and blood cell morphologies. Everything is normal. Ashley: So these blood tests, it means it's not cancer for sure. Tucker: He said I'm fine. Ashley: So what do you think it is? Wilson: Hopefully something innocuous. There's a doctor I can speak to who's great... (he pauses, looking intently as Ashley) who's great at diagnosing... Ashley: What? Wilson: (touching the side of his mouth) Sorry, that cold sore, how long have you had that? Ashley: Um, two weeks. I'm sorry. I-I got the call. I didn't have time to cover it up. Tucker: What is it, Jim? [Wilson laughs] Wilson: That cold sore is caused by a virus. Assuming you guys kiss, the virus could transfer, infect your spine, and cause the paralysis. It's a disease called Transverse Myelitis. Tucker: And is that good news or bad news? Wilson: It's great news. I'll get you a room and start you on Acyclovir. [Cut to Wilson walking down the hall to House’s office. He enters the conference room and looks around. Both the conference room and the office are empty. Wilson, looking disappointed, leaves the room] [Wilson continues his search and finally spots House, Chase, and Thirteen in a procedure room. Chase and Thirteen are performing an ultrasound on the patient, a large Hispanic man. House is sitting down. He has his phone out and appears to be playing a game] Wilson: (proudly) I just had a House moment. Diagnosed Transverse Myelitis from a cold sore. How cool is that? Patients really eat that crap up. House: It's why I'm loved. (to Chase and Thirteen) What am I doing here? Thirteen: Ultrasound is clear. House: Which means he's definitely not pregnant, right? Juan (House’s patient): Dios mio, mi estomago! Chase: No gall stones. Could be Diverticulitis. (to the patient) Have you eaten any seeds? Juan: (groaning) I'm joining you, Antonio Aguilar. We'll play in God's Mariachi band. House: Draw some blood. (to Wilson, but not looking up from his phone) The self-important jerk does not have Transverse Myelitis. He's got cancer. Wilson: How do you even-- House: (closing his phone and finally looking up at Wilson) Okay. Maybe I paid the redhead down in records a few bucks to CC me on all your cases. A few patients die, you might get sad again. Make a speech that would end your career. Frankly, I'm stalking you for you. (to Thirteen) How long does a simple blood draw take? Thirteen: Almost finished. House: Well, when you're finished almost finishing it, test it. Juan: Mi estomago's ripped open by the hand of God. He spilled my blood. Thirteen: Confusion. Delirium. House: Why rule out the hand of God so fast? House: (to Wilson) Your guy's low white count and right arm paralysis equals a recurrence of his leukemia. Simple math. [Thirteen leaves the room with the blood sample] Wilson: Did you look past the first page of the file? No AML cells anywhere. I did the blood smears myself. House: It's still cancer. You know how I know? He's got an oncologist for a doctor. Wilson: And your magical leukemia detector is more powerful than a flow cytometer? House: I look for zebras because other doctors rule out all the horses. In this case, you are those other doctors. You haven't earned a zebra. 100 bucks. Wilson: Are you serious? House: (standing up) Look, friends don't diagnose friends with cancer. I get it. Your problem is you're not objective. Your caring is clouding your diagnosis. Just cut that out and you could be a pretty decent doctor. [Thirteen comes back into the room] House: (to Thirteen) Just give me the lactic acid level. Thirteen: 27. House: (House nods and goes over to Juan) The fact that you can't speak English is not an excuse for you not being humiliated by what I'm about to say. It's also not an excuse for you not telling us that you were a tennis pro. If you had, we wouldn't have wasted our time. Wilson: Fine. 100 bucks. [Wilson leaves, House’s patient is still groaning loudly] [Cut to Wilson approaching his assistant Sandy at a nurses station] Wilson: Is Tucker settling in? Sandy: Yeah. Already got his first dose of Acyclovir. And don't worry, I ordered his girlfriend the kiddy meal. Wilson: Hoo-ah. Next patient on deck. Sandy: (handing Wilson a file) Del Clinton, day six of chemo. You just missed the grandkids. Wilson: (They walk down the hall to Del’s room) Oh, that's all right. Last time they were here, they painted my tie. [Wilson enters Del Clinton’s room] Wilson: You're almost ready to go home. You feeling okay? Del: I feel like I felt after the last four rounds. Wilson: In oncology, familiar pain means all is well. Del: So that's good, right? Wilson: Yeah. (Wilson’s pager beeps) I heard Jesse and Zeke were by earlier. Del: Yeah. [Wilson checks the pager message] Wilson: Sorry Del, I gotta run. [He starts to leave and than pauses, turning back to Del] Wilson: How are they doing? Del: They--they're fine. Wilson: No game-winning hits? No aced report cards? No school plays? Del: I guess not. I thought you had to go. Wilson: (moving closer to the bed) Are you depressed? Del: I have cancer. Wilson: You've had cancer for a long time. It's never stopped you from bragging about the grandkids. Del: I guess I'm feeling a little more down than usual. Can you give me something? Wilson: Yeah. I don't want you to get alarmed, but sometimes depression can be a sign that something else is going on. I'm just gonna order a couple of extra tests. Okay? (He pats Del on the shoulder reassuringly) [Wilson leaves Del’s room and goes to Tucker’s] Wilson: What's going on? Ashley: It's his foot now. Tucker: It's nothing. Ashley: It's not nothing. Tucker: I just started getting a little tingling feeling in my foot. Ashley: Is that bad? Tucker: Ashley, it's gonna be okay. Wilson: It might mean his foot fell asleep. It might mean nothing. (to Ashley) Could you give us a few minutes? Ashley: What--why can't you tell me? Tucker: Because you're making him nervous. Just give us a few minutes, okay, hon? (Ashley leaves) Tucker: Does this mean that it's not the disease you thought it was? Wilson: It means the medicine I gave you is not working. I just might have to ht it harder. I'm going to add Ribavirin to your treatment. (he turns to leave) Tucker: Jim, are you sure that this isn't a recurrence? Wilson: So the brave face is just for Ashley. Tucker: She's young. She's terrified. She's not really equipped. Wilson: Don't worry. Once you've had cancer, recurrence is your biggest fear. I get it. I've looked at this thing every which way there is. That's not what's happening here. Tucker: Can you call my daughter and ask her to come down? Wilson: You can't do it? Tucker: She hasn't exactly been talking to me since I got together with Ashley. I'd really like her to be here. Wilson: Of course. (Wilson leaves the room) [Cut to Wilson standing at a public desk talking on the phone to Tucker’s daughter Emily. Cuddy approaches] Wilson: Exactly how serious does it have to be to justify you coming to see your father? No. I'm sorry. I just--I'd rather you regretted coming than regretted not coming. Thanks Emily. (He hangs up the phone) Cuddy: How's Tucker? Wilson: Oh, well, he's made a mess of his personal life. But physically, I think he's gonna be fine. Transverse Myelitis. Cuddy: What does House think? Wilson: What is this? Is House my overseer now? Cuddy: No, it's just not always a good idea for doctors to treat their friends, that's all. [Wilson walks away from the desk, Cuddy follows] Wilson: Well, House has got 100 bucks on cancer. So unless you want in on the action... Cuddy: Um, is Bonnie still a realtor? Wilson: As far as I know. Cuddy: Do you mind if I call her? I'm, uh, looking for a new place. I'm moving in with Lucas. (Wilson stops and turns to look at Cuddy) [Chase, Taub, Foreman and an orderly come rushing around the corner pushing House’s patient on a gurney] Taub: (looking up at Wilson as he hurries by) it wasn't the tennis. Wilson: You're moving in with Lucas? Cuddy: Yes. Wilson: You're Bonnie's friend. You know how to reach her. And yet instead of calling her, you come and seek my permission. You want my blessing, and implicitly, House's blessing. Cuddy: I don't need House's blessing. Wilson: Good. (He turns abruptly and leaves Cuddy standing in the hallway, looking upset) [A quick exterior nighttime sht of PPTH and than a cut to Tucker’s room. Ashley is with him] Ashley: So when will he be able to move his arm again? Wilson: Should be soon. [Tucker coughs] Wilson: Started smoking again? Tucker: (coughs) No. Ashley: What--what does that mean? Is it bad that he's coughing? Emily: (from the doorway) Hi, dad. Melissa: Hey Tucker: (noticing his ex-wife) Melissa, hey. (He clears his throat) I didn't know you were coming. Emily: I was at Mom's house when Dr. Wilson called. Melissa: I can go if it's gonna be weird. Tucker: (coughs) No, no. Stay. It's fine. Melissa: (to Wilson) Hi. Wilson: (hugging Melissa) How are you? Melissa: Is he okay? Wilson: Yeah. He's okay. I'm not a big fan of this coughing though. Melissa: You must be Ashley. Ashley: Hi. (Tucker coughs) Hey, are you okay? [Tucker is coughing and gasping] Ashley: Do you think this cold sore thing could've caused this? [Machines are now beeping] Wilson: (moving quickly) No. Whatever's causing this is affecting more than his nerves. I need a crash cart in here! [Wilson pushes Melissa and Emily back and puts an oxygen mask on Tucker] [Cut to Wilson entering the diagnostics conference room. Taub, Thirteen, and Foreman are sitting at the table, Chase is tossing House’s red and gray ball. House is absent] Wilson: Don't you guys have a dying Mexican crooner to attend to? He isn't dying anymore. Foreman: Found out he was on a popcorn diet. Eating ten bags of microwave popcorn a day. Huffing the fumes scared his lungs. Wilson: Wow, that's... very strange. Where's House? Taub: Performing his ritual "hiding from Cuddy to avoid getting a new case" dance. It's sort of a jazz-fusion type of thing. Thirteen: He's probably eating lunch in the morgue. I can page him to your office if you want. Wilson: Actually... maybe it would be better if I talked to you guys alone. House and I have a bet about one of my patients. You guys mind making him 100 bucks poorer? [The team all seem eager to help Wilson win the bet. Taub holds out his hand for the file, which Wilson hands to him, Thirteen closes her laptop, and Chase stops playing with the ball and sits down] Wilson: 43-year-old male in remission from leukemia presents with left arm paralysis and trouble breathing. Chase: I assume House's money is on cancer. Wilson: Thanks. That's very helpful. Taub: (reading the file) Subdural hematoma would explain-- Wilson: CT ruled it out. I thought it was TM, so I started him on antivirals, but he got worse. Foreman: Bacterial infection? Wilson: Bacteria would move much faster than this. He'd be dad already. Thirteen: (taking the file from Taub) Could be fungal. Taub: Fungal infection would explain his breathing problem, but not his "unable to move his arm" problem. Wilson: Actually, if aspergillus fungus balls took root in his lungs and spread to his spine, it would explain both. (Thirteen hands him the file) Thanks. (He hurries out of the room) [Cut to Tucker’s room. Melissa, Emily, and Ashley are all there] Wilson: The treatment involves riddling the infected area with bb-sized pellets of antifungal meds. Tucker: I assume you don't just load up the 12-gauge and pepper me with birdshot. Wilson: No. We have a slightly more humane delivery system. But we do have to open you up. It is surgery. And like any operation, there are risks. Tucker: (looking at Ashley) What do you think, honey? Ashley: I-I don't know. I mean, is surgery really such a good idea? He just seems so sick. I just—(She looks at Tucker) you should do whatever you think is best. Melissa: Is this the only way to go after this thing? Wilson: Because of the rapid progression, I don't think we have time to test or try IVs. Melissa: And he's strong enough to endure anesthesia. Wilson: Definitely. Melissa: I want you there during the surgery. Wilson: Of course. Melissa: (to Tucker) You gotta do it. (Tucker nods affirmatively) Wilson: Good. Dr. Chase will be in here soon to get you set for the OR. [Cut to Wilson approaching Sandy at the nurse’s station] Wilson: (to Sandy) Page Dr. Chase to Tucker's room for a surgery consult. And can you get me-- Sandy: (quickly grabbing a chart and catching up with Wilson) Uh, Mr. Koplovitz wants to talk to you. Wilson: Is everything all right? Sandy: He wanted to talk to his doctor, not his doctor's assistant. Oh, and House is looking for you. Wilson: What did you tell him? Sandy: That you were in the clinic. I figure that gives you about ten minutes. (giving him the chart) Here. Mr. Koplovitz's chart. Go. [Wilson enters Mr Koplovitz’s room] Wilson: Hello, Saul. I heard you were looking for me. Saul: I'm very tired. But I can't sleep. Wilson: (adjusting the infusion pump) Today's your lucky day. I happen to be a sleep specialist. Saul: Thanks, Doc. [The toilet flushes in the bathroom. Wilson walks over an opens the bathroom door. House is sitting on the closed toilet seat playing a video game] House: Hey. Can a guy get a little privacy? Wilson: Nice hiding spot. House: Actually, it's perfect. It allows me to hide from Cuddy and find you. What did she want? Wilson: She was checking up on Tucker thanks to you. House: That's it? Wilson: Like what? Something about you? Something you could interpret as being about you? An anagram maybe? It'd be great if you could play hide and seek somewhere else. My patient-- House: No problem. Just give me the 100 bucks you owe me and I'm gone. Wilson: Tucker doesn't have cancer. House: He doesn't have a ball of fungus in his lungs either. Next time you want to use my team, I suggest you at least leave a tip. Wilson: I'm late for surgery. Cuddy: (rushing into the room) Ah, your assistant said you'd be in here. I talked to Bonnie. Wilson: Let's take this outside. Mr. Koplovitz just got to sleep. Cuddy: Oh, sorry. She found us this fantastic loft. Wilson: Outside. Cuddy: I mean, it's not a loft really, it's just more urban. Not that I'm urban, but I used to be. It's got two bedrooms. Got wonderful views. It's a really great place. [Cut to the OR prep room. Wilson is talking to Tucker. His family is not there] Wilson: Procedure should take about an hour. I'll be observing the entire time. Tucker: Thanks. Maybe it'd be better if you stayed with Ashley. She's more scared than I am. Wilson: (chuckling) Well, she's... at her age... she's not supposed to be dealing with issues of life and death. Tucker: Wasn't what I was planning when I went after her. Wilson: Why did you leave Melissa? Tucker: We got married young. We... I'm not sure. (Wilson nods, not really understanding) [Cut to the OR observation room. Wilson is watching Tucker’s surgery. He sighs. House enters] Wilson: There's nothing to talk about. House: (pushing the intercom button with his cane and speaking to Chase) Why are you doing surgery when I need you finding me a new case? Chase: (looking up at House from the OR) You don't want a new case. House: Oh, right. Guess I'm here for Wilson. Obviously you didn't tell me that Cuddy was moving in with Lucas 'cause you were protecting me. Which is odd since I told you that I'm fine with their relationship. So obviously, you question one of those assumptions or you have an issue with logic. Wilson: Yes, you're fine with them dating. But moving in together is a whole other level of commitment. House: (scoffing) This is the 21st century, Wilson. I realize that the logical course of any adult relationship could one day lead to fornication. Although, the fact that she wants to buy a loft, could actually mean that their relationship is not as serious as I thought. Wilson: Oh, for God's sake, House, don't do this to yourself. It's a loft. It has no deeper meaning than open-space living arrangement. House: If you bought into her diatribe about rediscovering her lost city girl roots. And two bedrooms. It just reeks of commitment issues. Wilson: Yeah. Or she has a baby. House: This is classic mid-life Cuddy crisis. This is her version of a two-seat convertible. Wilson: Yep, clearly you're fine with it. Chase: (looking up at them) Wilson, he's got global lung damage. Means it's not fungal. It's PCP pneumonia. [Wilson puts his hand on his forehead, looking discouraged] House: Hmm. Obviously something is knocking out his immune system. Three options. HIV, acquired SCID, or my personal favorite, cancer. I'm sure you'll test for all three. (House leaves. Chase and Wilson look at each other) [Cut to a conference room where a group of doctors are going over cases. Wilson sits at the head of the table] Wilson: 62-year-old African-American man with lymphoma now in remission. I did a CT and found a small lesion on the upper lobe of his left lung. Dr. D’Razio: If he's in remission, why did you bother scanning him? Wilson: During a routine follow-up, I realized the patient was depressed. Dr. D’Razio: (impressed) Wow. That's quite a call. Wilson: Thanks. The treatment indicate-- [He is interrupted as House opens the door] House: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were in the middle of something. Wilson: It's a conference room, with glass walls. You thought I'd be alone? House: Your patient has cancer. Not that guy. Who probably also has cancer. And he's probably also your buddy. (handing Wilson a sheet of test results) Thought you'd want to know. And you owe me 100 bucks. [Cut to Tucker’s room. His ex-wife, daughter, and girlfriend are with him] Wilson: You have acute lymphoblastic leukemia. A.L.L. Melissa: (taking Tucker’s hand) So, it is a recurrence. Wilson: No. It's different. It's a second leukemia. Probably caused by the chemotherapy we gave him five years ago. Tucker: That's why you didn't see it. Maybe they can rename it ironic leukemia. Wilson: This is not the end. Tests show that the cancer is limited to your brain. That's good news. Ashley: How can cancer in his head be good news? Wilson: The blood brain barrier separates the blood in your head from the blood in your body. Keeps the cancer bottled up. We can go for a cure. Melissa: So give me the numbers. What are we looking at? Wilson: 90% chance of cure. Melissa: Really. What if we're in the 10%? Wilson: Steady decline. But six months of a good quality life. Emily: Does he have to go through another bone marrow transplant? Wilson: No. Chemotherapy. We can go at this with drugs alone. Melissa: When do we get started? Wilson: We begin by surgically planting a shunt so we can get the drugs directly into your brain. I already booked the OR. Tucker: You're the only one who can make cancer sound like good news. Wilson: We get it out of your head and you walk out of here paralysis gone and cancer-free. [Cut to Melissa, Emily, Ashley, and Wilson walking beside the gurney as an orderly wheels Tucker to the OR] Wilson: We also need you to sign a health care proxy. If something goes wrong in surgery, someone needs to be appointed to make decisions for you. Ashley: What are the chances of that happening? Wilson: Very remote. Tucker: I think maybe Melissa should be my proxy. Ashley: What? No. [Taub and Foreman come rushing down the hallway pushing a patient on a gurney. House follows behind] Foreman: Coming through. House got a new case. House: (stopping to hand Wilson a piece of paper) Revised OR schedule. Sorry, Wilson, had to bump you. It's not like your guy's bleeding out of his eyes. Wilson: House, your guy's not bleeding out of his eyes either. House: The nurse who books the OR thinks he is. Wilson: Your case is no more urgent than mine. House: (pushing through the doors of the surgical suite) Yeah, but you're way more patient. Wilson: It's okay. You can talk about the--the paperwork in the prep area. [Cut to Tucker and Ashley in the OR prep room] Ashley: You trust her more than me. Tucker: (hoarsely) About this, yes. (He clears his throat) You've been through the good stuff, but Melissa's been to hell and back with me. She gives me the best sht of getting through this. Ashley: You still love her. Tucker: Don't be silly. I love you. Please... don't make this into more than it is. [A quick exterior daytime sht of PPTH and than cut to Tucker’s room. The shunt has been implanted and the chemo administered. Wilson is testing Tucker’s left foot with a rubber percussion hammer] Wilson: Okay, anything? Tucker: No. Wilson: Can you feel this? Tucker: No. Wilson: How about here? Tucker: No. Wilson: (moving up to Tucker’s arm) Where is everybody? Tucker: Melissa and Emily went downstairs to get some breakfast. Wilson: Ashley? Tucker: She had work to do. Wilson: (testing Tucker’s arm with the hammer) I thought she was off today. Tucker: Well, she didn't really have work to do. She was just pissed so she pretended to have work to do. I let her pretend. Wilson: Okay. Move your fingers. [Tucker’s fingers don’t move] Wilson: (sighing) The chemo's not working. Tucker: Does that mean it's not cancer? Wilson: No. It means the chemo from your first round of treatment has made the leukemia resistant. Tucker: So I'm in the 10% that don't get cured. Wilson: Maybe not. [Cut to House and Wilson walking down a hospital corridor] House: We just removed a screw from a guy's lung. And the weird thing is he didn't get better. Any idea what that means? Wilson: It means you're not listening to me. House: No. It means I'm ignoring you to make a point. There is a difference. Wilson: The problem with that technique is I have no idea what point you're making. House: That your idea is implicitly not worth responding to. Doubling your patient's chemo dose is stupid. Damn, now it's explicit. Wilson: It could swamp out the resistance of the cancer cells. House: The fact that it theoretically should work doesn't make it any less stupid. Wilson: Of course it does. It's exactly what you would do. House: I'm me. You're you. [They stop walking and face one another] Wilson: And a table is a table. House: And chemo is poison. And double chemo is double poison. And I can handle it when things go wrong. You can't. And things could go very, very wrong. Wilson: I can handle it. (He turns and walks away) [Cut to Wilson talking to Tucker, Melissa and Emily in Tucker’s hospital room] Tucker: Sounds pretty dangerous. Wilson: It is. Tucker: What do you think, Mel? Melissa: (She is sitting in a chair beside the bed) I think you should call Ashley. Tucker: You're my family. I'm sorry I forgot that. (Tucker reaches for Melissa’s hand) Emily: I think that you should try, whatever could keep you with us longer. Melissa: Yeah. [Tucker nods and Wilson hooks up the IV bag of double chemo meds) [Two quick exterior shts of PPTH, first of darkness and then in daylight to indicate that it is now the next day] [Cut to Tucker’s hospital room. Melissa and Emily are there and they are talking and laughing. Wilson walks in] Emily: Look. Tucker: I can move them. Wilson: Hey! Melissa: Thank you. [Wilson and Melissa laugh and hug one another, than Wilson turns serious as he looks more closely at Tucker] Tucker: What is it, Jim? Wilson: I'm gonna need to run some tests. (Tucker looks worried) [Cut to the lab. House’s team is there running tests on House’s latest patient] Taub: Intraepidermal superficial bullae. Could be pemphigus. Thirteen: Or it could be from the fre. Taub: Either way, he's dad. (House enters the lab) We can't stop the oozing. [The camera focuses on Wilson who is also running a test. He looks forlorn] House: Don't care. I'm here because (looking at his watch) it's 1:15 and Wilson started testing at 12:45. Which means... Wilson: The cancer's gone. But over half his hepatocytes are dad. Taub: In only 24 hours? Wilson: (turning to face House) He needs a new liver. House: Look on the bright side. You can publish the results of this case study. No one will ever double the dose again. [Cut to Tucker’s room. Wilson is talking to Tucker, Melissa, and Emily] Wilson: The double dose of chemo got rid of your cancer. But, it also trashed your liver. If I don't find you a new liver, you've only got about 24 hours left. Emily: So what do we do now? Wilson: Your father's been moved to the top of the transplant list. But, all we really can do is wait. Melissa: That's it? We wait? Tell me something that I can do. Wilson: I'm sorry, Mel. You and Emily don't match Tuck's blood type. And neither does Ashley. So a live liver donation is out. The best thing to do is just what you've been doing. Be together. [The door of the room slides open and House enters. He is wet and dripping all over the floor] House: Hope he already told you that you're gonna die. 'Cause it's gonna make what I'm about to say a lot more relevant. Wilson: House, I know it's raining out there in the hallway, but— House: I was just in the ER, testing my patient for autonomic dysfunction. It's the only department with a shower big enough for the whole team, plus the cardiac monitors, plus me. Anyway, relevant part, we're just wheeling the guy out, trauma came in. Motorcycle versus semi. Wilson: How bad? House: Bad for the motorcycle. Good for your liver. Blood type's a match. Wilson: Why wasn't I paged? House: Because there's a problem. No organ donor card. dad guy's sister is next of kin. She's refusing to allow the donation. Wilson: Where is she? House: 20 minutes away. (House and Wilson rush out of the room) [Cut to a residential street. Wilson is standing by the passenger side of his parked car talking to House who is sitting inside the car with the window cracked open. House is wearing the fleece camouflage hat that Wilson wore hunting] Wilson: How do you get the call that your brother's dad and then run out the door? "Oh--oh--oh, that reminds me, I-I had dry cleaning to pick up." House: Did Cuddy buy the place? Wilson: Not yet. You okay? House: Just making conversation. Yours was getting boring. Wilson: What are you planning? House: I'm not planning anything. Wilson: And I don't believe you. How are you gonna punish her for dating Lucas? House: Okay, now this conversation is getting boring. Wilson: Are you really okay? House: (loudly) No! I am not okay. Not even close. Wilson: Wow. Okay. See, that's very adult of you. House: No, it isn't. It's just me accepting the fact that there's nothing I can do and moving on. Wilson: Which is, I think, the definition of adulthood. House: Well, if it is, being a kid is a lot more fun. [A car pulls into the driveway where they are parked] House: Showtime. (He gets out of the car and he and Wilson walk up the driveway) [Cut to the inside of the house. Wilson is talking to Aikoa Tanaka in her kitchen. House is standing in the dining room, listening, but not really participating in the conversation] Aikoa Tanaka: I didn't speak to him for years. But when my parents died, at their funeral, we made peace. Our parents must've blessed it. Wilson: And I'm sure they would want him to do good with his last act in this world. Aikoa Tanaka: They wanted us to be friends. Our relationship wasn't strong, but it was growing. If I allow you to defile his body, it will destroy that bond. The Itai will be harmed. Wilson: (trying not to sound too desperate) It will save my patient's life. House: (approaching Aikoa) What if I told you that he wasn't dad? Aikoa Tanaka: Are you saying my brother is still alive? House: I'm saying you're being an idiot. But I don't have time to talk you out of your religion so I'm stuck with giving you a technicality that will let you justify doing the right thing. What if his last living act (Wilson’s pager beeps) was to donate a part of his liver? Not the whole thing, just one small piece. Aikoa Tanaka: Then I'm not defiling a dad body. Wilson: (interrupting) House. House: The last generous act of a living person. Wilson: (interrupting again) House, it's too late. The liver’s started to degrade. It's no longer viable for transplant. House: Well played. Religion just klled another person. [Cut to Tucker’s hospital room. Melissa and Emily are with him. Tucker is talking to Wilson and the atmosphere is decidedly gloomy] Tucker: It's not fair, Jim. You just helped me get my family back together. I'm--I'm not ready. (Melissa sniffles) I would've had six more months with them if you hadn't given me that extra chemo. Now I have less than one day. Wilson: I'm sorry. We knew the risks. Tucker: I don't want to lose them again. I can't lose them again. Wilson: There's nothing more we can do. Tucker: Five years ago, when I needed a transfusion, you used your own blood. We have the same type. Which means you can give me a part of your liver. Wilson: I'm your doctor. Tucker: You're my friend. Should I die because you're also my doctor? Wilson: Of course not. Tucker: Fine then, you're fired. Now you're just my friend. Now you can do what's right. Wilson: Tucker, it's... I can't. [Cut to Wilson’s apartment. House is sitting on the couch, eating, and watching TV (it sounds like a sword fight) Wilson comes in and hangs up his coat] [Swords clash on the TV] House: Late night with the pigeon sisters? Wilson: Every now and again, I'd like to come home without getting interrogated. [From the TV: “I’ll never betray the secret of the bushido of the heel”] House: Someone's cranky. (looking at his watch) And late. Where were you? Wilson: (going into the kitchen) getting a drink. What--why are all my frozen dinners thawing on the counter? House: I needed room for my margarita jello shts. I use test tubes as bottles so they'll be shaped like my cane. [House turns off the TV] House: Why'd you go out drinking alone when you got such great company here? Wilson: He leans on the doorway and pauses) Tucker wants me to donate a lobe of my liver to him. House: And you were out drinking. So you're actually considering this? Wilson: Yeah. I was out marinating my liver in alcohol to get it ready for the transplant. Yeah. House: (standing up) Your mouth says no, but your pathetic attempt at a deflection has guilt written all over it. Wilson: It's my fault. It is my fault! I gave him too much chemo. House: You cured his cancer. Wilson: And klled him in the process. House: Quibbles. [Wilson laughs] House: He's had a predictable complication. Surprise. Bad things happen to people who are sick. Doesn't make you responsible. Wilson: Oh, no--not legally. Ethically. Ethically! House: A table is a table. Don't be a doormat, Wilson. Wilson: (angrily) Boy, you are-- you willfully ruined my food and have taken over my living room because you already think I'm a doormat! You know what... (He takes House’s test tube jello shts out of the freezer and dumps them in the trash) you're wrong. (He pushes some of House’s books off of a table and onto the floor) (House actually looks contrite) Clean up your stuff and get out. (He smacks the doorframe as he walks toward his bedroom) You're wrong. (He goes into his bedroom and slams the door) [Cut to Wilson and Sandy approaching each other in an Oncology hallway] Wilson: How's Tucker? Sandy: Um, still not dancing. But scans came in on Del Clinton. (She hands a file to Wilson) It's good news. Wilson: Thanks. Let me know as soon as Tucker takes a turn for the worse. I want to be there. [Cut to a sht of Del Clinton’s latest scans. Wilson is showing them to Del in his room] Wilson: See that small spot at the top of the lung? That was then. This is now. Spot's gone. Del: That tiny little spot, huh? Wilson: Yeah. It's not too impressive, is it? Del: That little dot could've klled me? Wilson: Yeah. Fortunately, we caught it early. It's gonna be okay. Del: That's amazing. You got all this off me not talking about my grandkids. [Cut to Wilson entering Cuddy’s office. Cuddy is on the phone with Bonnie] Cuddy: (speaking on the phone) Thanks, Bonnie. Just gonna have to sit tight for awhile. Okay. (She hangs up) (to Wilson) I put an offer on the loft. Seller turned me down. I offered exactly what a similar unit sold for three months ago. Wilson: I want to donate a lobe of my liver to Tucker. Cuddy: That's insane. Wilson: I'm donating a small portion of-- Cuddy: You have hundreds of patients. Wilson: And until I run out of excess organs, why shouldn't I do everything I can to help them? Cuddy: Because you're a doctor, not a donor. Wilson: (He laughs, pauses, then faces Cuddy) Why did you make me the head of oncology? Cuddy: Not because you have the most organs. You're thoughtful, caring. Wilson: Yeah, caring. By your own criteria, a strength and not a weakness. Cuddy: This is coming out of guilt. Wilson: This is coming out of friendship. I have a friend who's about to die. And I have the opportunity to save his life. Cuddy: Okay. (Wilson leaves) [Cut to Wilson walking toward House’s office. House is sitting at his desk as Wilson enters] Wilson: Call me a doormat-- get it all out of your system-- but I'm doing it. House: (rising) Why? Wilson: He's my friend. House: I'm your friend. All the pain pills I've taken. What if I need your liver? Wilson: Right. How selfish of me not to have considered your possible future needs. House: They're all dying. They're all your friends. Wilson: I'm not here for an argument, House. House: No, right, that's room 12A. So why are you here? Want to make sure that I’ve called the moving van? Wilson: No. The operation is in two hours, and I'd like you to be there with me. House: No. Wilson: What-- why? House: (looking Wilson right in the eye and sounding emotionally vulnerable) Because if you die, I'm alone. (He looks away and sits back down behind his desk, rubbing his leg) [Wilson, looking confused, leaves the office. He pauses for a moment outside the door and than heads on down the hall] [The following mostly wordless scenes are set to background music of A. A. Bondy's A Slow Parade] [In the OR prep room, Wilson hands his clothes to a nurse and than gets into a hospital bed. As a nurse prepares to insert an IV, Tucker is wheeled by and into the OR] Tucker: Thanks, Jim. (Wilson smiles) [Cut to the OR, where the anesthesia is being administered to Wilson. (As the anesthesia takes affect, the scene shifts to Wilson’s point-of-view and is sht in slow motion) A mask is put over his face and the last thing he sees as he drifts off is House standing in the observation room. His eyes twinkle with relief and contentment] [Cut to the OR recovery room. (The music has stopped) Wilson is still unconscious and House is sitting beside his bed] [Cut to a hospital room. Wilson is awake now. House is saying something funny and Wilson is both laughing and grimacing from the pain] [A quick exterior evening sht of PPTH and than a cut to Wilson rolling himself into Tucker’s room in a wheelchair. Tucker is sitting in an easy chair] Wilson: How you feeling? Tucker: Can't complain, considering if it weren't for you, I'd be dad--twice. You? Wilson: I feel good. (He notices a packed duffle bag sitting on the bed) Sending out your laundry? Tucker: Going to rehab. Some place up in Katonah. Wilson: Up by your new house, not near your old house. Tucker: Easier on Ashley. Wilson: (trying to hide his disdain) I see. Tucker: I was thrilled to get the family back together and Melissa's great in a crisis, but the person you want when you're dying isn't the same as the person you want when you're living. [Ashley comes into the room] Ashley: Hi, Jim. Wilson: (wheeling himself out) Actually, it's James. [A quick exterior evening sht of PPTH, then cut to Wilson’s hospital room. Wilson is asleep. House is sitting in the chair next to the bed, reading a patient file. Wilson groans and wakes up] House: (taking off his glasses and putting them in his shirt pocket) You ready to admit that he's a self-important jerk? Wilson: I still feel good about what I did. House: You don't feel angry? Wilson: Ah. I'm a little disappointed. House: Disappointment is anger for wimps. You don't have to be so gentle about everything. It's okay to get angry once in a while. Wilson: You can't change a table. House: Actually, you can. Just need a coat of paint and the guts to use it. [House gathers up his reading material, uses his hand to lower his right leg to the floor, then gets up and leaves. Wilson lays there for a moment, then reaches over to the nightstand and, wincing, picks up the phone and dials a number] Wilson: Bonnie. [Cut to Wilson and House entering an empty apartment. There is a large entryhall. Wilson and House walk into the huge livingroom/kitchen area] Wilson: Bonnie told me what Cuddy bid. House: You're gonna outbid her? Wilson: (wandering over to the kitchen area) We do need a bigger refrigerator. She hurt my friend. She should be punished. House: You got mad. I'm proud of you. Cuddy won't share that sentiment. How are you gonna explain it to her? Wilson: I'm changing our address to a P.O. box. House: (looking around at the fireplace and the large windows) She'll find out eventually. Wilson: (hoisting himself up onto the kitchen counter) A problem delayed is a problem denied. [Wilson takes out his phone and dials] Wilson: Bonnie. I'll take it. House: Baby steps. [Wilson smiles] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x10 - Wilson"}	foreverdreaming
[Open in a dark garage. It’s night and a drug deal is going down.] Eddie: So I'm thinking 35. Marco: Seems high to me. Eddie: That's a fair price for quality like this. Marco: I'll give you 30. [Mickey laughs. Marco turns and glares at him.] Mickey: What? I thought you were joking. I didn't... Marco: Who am I dealing with here, Eddie? Him or you? Eddie: Mickey, relax. Now, if things move forward with Gorski, he lets us into Philly, then maybe I cut you a break. Marco: You cut me a break now, or maybe you don't get with Gorski. Eddie: [sighs and starts packing up the car’s hatchback.] Marco... I thought we had an understanding. [Tommy, Marco’s associate, cocks his gn and points it at Eddie.] Whoa, whoa. Marco: Tommy, don't be stupid. Put the gn down. Tommy: First, he shows you some respect. Mickey: [approaches him with his arms held wide] Hey, you just – just listen to your boss, all right, moron? Tommy: You shut up! Mickey: Just relax, buddy. [When Mickey gets close enough, he grabs Tommy’s arm. They struggle for a moment then a gn is heard. Mickey ends up on the floor.] Tommy: Agh! Oh, God! Marco: What the hell were you thinking? Tommy: [hopping around] I didn't sht him! Marco: Are you sure? Look at him. He's face-down on the pavement! [Eddie has turned Mickey over. He has blood on his face from where he ht the pavement. Eddie feels around, looking for the bllet hole.] Tommy: I nailed myself in the foot! God! Eddie: I–I don't think he's ht. Marco: Then what happened? Tommy: [hopping to a car] Let's get outta here! [Marco joins him.] Eddie: Come on, Mickey, wake up. [Marco’s car starts up.] Mickey! Wake up! [The car peels out.] [Opening Credits] [Cut to a clinic exam room. The room is almost dark. A bright light is on Mickey’s head. House, wearing a glove and glasses, carefully stitches up Mickey’s wound while Eddie paces.] Mickey: We almost done here? House: Assuming you did this shaving your forehead... Okay, then. I'm ordering a head C.T. Mickey: No, I don't have a headache. I'm not dizzy. Eddie, I gotta get back. Eddie: You gotta stay here. We'll straighten out that mess with Marco tomorrow. Let the doc do his job. House: Actually, stitching you up is really the E.R. doc's job. Mickey: Yeah. Too long of a wait. House: Yeah. Also, a lot of cops in the E.R. [pause] Not that you care about that. So how did this happen? [looks from Mickey to Eddie] Yeah, you're right. That was a stupid question. 'Cause the answer's kind of obvious. No scrapes on your hands means you didn't try to break your fall. Means either out cold or totally disoriented when you went down. No sign of trauma other than the cut means no one ht you in the head. Powder burn on your jacket sleeve means someone sht a gn. [Mickey gets off the table and grabs his stuff and starts putting on his jacket.] Mickey: All right, Eddie. Come on, let's go. House: I don't care what you guys are into. If you don't get this checked out, it'll happen again. Eddie: Whoa. What will? House: This. [He slams his cane against the paper-covered exam table. It makes an explosively loud “crack” sound. Mickey and Eddie stare at House for a seconds then Mickey crumples to the floor. House peers over the exam table at him.] Cool. [Cut to Diagnostics. House flips blue file folders to the members of the team.] House: 32-year-old man, recent developed loud-noise-induced vertigo. C.T. was clean. No internal bleeding, no edema. Everything else is in the file. [He sits then leans toward Chase.] Cameron get your hair in the divorce? Taub: This guy strained his back three years ago. And that's it. All the rest of these pages are blank. House: Yes, he won't tell us anything. Understandable, since he's a drug dealer. Thirteen: So he's dangerous and withholding, which you find irresistible. [confidentially] But guys like that, they never call. Chase: He actually said he was a drug dealer? [Foreman gets up to do something. He sees a piece of paper on the floor and picks it up. He glances at it and puts it in his pocket.] House: Not out loud. But he was wearing a solid gold Patek Philippe. His friend had a Rolex. But their phones were prepaid burners, so they can toss 'em as soon as they're done. Foreman: [sitting back down] It doesn't matter if this guy's a drug dealer or not. Noise-induced vertigo means ear or brain. Head C.T. was clean, so I'm thinking acoustic neuroma. We need to do an A.B.R. to test his hearing. House: Acoustic neuroma fits. So does lidocaine toxicity. Or benzocaine – depends what he's cutting the coke with. Thirteen: So now he's not just a drug dealer, he's a cocaine dealer. House: He seemed peppy. You test his ears. I'm gonna go test his cocaine. Taub: You think this guy's just gonna hand over a briefcase full of illegal drugs because you ask nicely? House: I hope not. [He leaves. The team stays at the table.] [Cut to the lobby of House and Wilson’s building. The elevator bell dings. Wilson and Nora get off. She’s laughing.] Wilson: So the best coffee's at Geena's, and the best pizza is at Gino's. Nora: Yeah, and don't mix those up, because the coffee at Gino's could kll ya. Wilson: And how's the drycleaner on the corner? Nora: Go two blocks over to Eco-Clean. The one on the corner used to shred all my boyfriend's shirts. Wilson: Good to know. Nora: In retrospect, I should really thank those cleaners. We broke up. This is my stop. [She goes to the mailboxes as Wilson heads for the front door. The address of the building, 89x Brook Street, can be seen, reversed, on the glass panel above the door.] Nora: So if you have any more questions about the neighborhood, I'm your girl. Wilson: Uh, favorite sushi place. Maybe we could get dinner sometime. Nora: Sure... if you promise to bring that good-looking guy with the cane. Wilson: You mean House? Nora: Your boyfriend's name is House? [She giggles.] Wilson: [turning his head back and forth, confused] H–he's not my boyfriend. Nora: Oh... [mimes pinching her mouth closed] Heh, I'm sorry. Wh-what do you call each other? Husband? Partner? Lover? Wilson: [laughing] We're not gay. Nora: Seriously? [Cut to a treatment room. Mickey is in a chair with an electrode taped to his forehead. Taub is applying one to his earlobe.] Taub: You're gonna hear a series of clicks and hisses. Sensors measure electronic activity to your auditory nerve. Mickey: How long is this gonna take? Taub: An hour, maybe an hour and a half. Or you could walk away with a tumor in your ear. [Cut to the observation room. Taub joins Foreman.] Taub: Guy's probably late to a sab. Foreman: Impedances look good. Starting at 13 clicks per second at 50 decibels. Check this out. [He hands Taub the paper he picked up in the office.] Taub: Thirteen's middle name is Beauregard? [looks at monitor] Wave three latency is 3.8. Foreman: Slightly delayed, but nothing significant. That's what sticks out to you? House is clearly screwing with us. It's a fake paystub. Taub: Looks real to me. Foreman: There's no way she makes that much money. Taub: I make that much money. [He turns to give the paper back to Foreman and sees his face.] And... apparently, you don't. [Cut to an atmospherically dark O.R. Eddie sides on a stool on one side of a table. He is also on a TV screen in the corner. House leans on the table on the other side, facing him.] House: I need the drugs. Eddie: We're in textiles. House: [screams, his face furrowing down the center in a very good imitation of Sabretooth from X-men] I need the drugs! Hmm... works for Jack Bauer. Eddie: Is this really necessary? The chairs in the hall are way more comfortable. House: But way less genre-appropriate. Okay, here's the deal. I need information. You have reasons not to give me that information. So either I can force it out of you... [Eddie looks skeptical] or I can't. Eddie: I wish I could tell ya. House: Okay... Well, let's work with that. Forget the drugs. Let's talk about textiles. What's your major product? Is it "h"? And by that I mean "hosiery." Eddie: We do more with... culottes. House: Is that with a "c" or a "k"? Eddie: "C." Nobody wants "k" anymore. House: Does your friend cut the fabric? Eddie: No, he's a sales guy. House: Well, he must cut a culotte here and there. Eddie: No one touches the culottes. [The door opens. Wilson enters.] Wilson: I'm sorry. Can I talk to you for a second? House: [walking over] I'm interrogating a suspect. Make it quick. Wilson: [clears throat and whispers] Everyone in our building thinks we're gay. [He clears his throat again.] House: We're grown men over the age of 30 who moved in together. We're two tigers away from an act in Vegas. They'll figure out we're straight eventually. Wilson: Eventually is not when I want to go out with the cute girl in 3-B. Eddie: Any chance I could get some water over here? [Wilson pours him a glass of water and hands it to him while House talks.] House: If only there was some way to communicate that information to her. Perhaps using, I don't know, sounds. If only the larynx was capable of – Wilson: She didn't believe me. She sidestepped my dinner invite. House: And a woman would only reject you because she's worried that you might not be interested in her. Wilson: We were chatting, having fun. There was definitely a spark. House: When she thought you were gay. [to Eddie]You sure your friend isn't secretly tr – [turns back to Wilson] What is a culotte, anyway? Wilson: Pants that hang like a skirt. [House and Eddie stare at him.] Just... [He puts his hand up to his face level and waves it, indicating that they should continue with whatever they were doing.] Eddie: Mickey hates the stuff. He's one of the few guys I trust to watch the product overnight. They took him away an hour ago. You think he's okay? House: It's an ear test. Pretty sure he'll live. [Cut to the treatment room. Mickey is having a seizure to rival House’s in Wilson’s Heart. His leg kicks a tray table away. Taub and Foreman rush in.] Taub: Pupils are constricted. Pulse is bounding! Foreman: Airway's clear. Need a crash cart in here! Taub: Gotta be his blood pressure. We need to get it down before he strokes out! Foreman: At least we know his ears are okay. [A nurse enters with a crash cart.] [Cut to Diagnostics.] Taub: We put the patient on vasodilators, got his hypertension under control. Thirteen: He got worse here at the hospital. Means thug life probably isn't what's making him sick. Foreman: Which means we can stop the bloodhound gng routine and go back to being doctors. House: [whining] But we're doctors all the time. It's so boring. [speaking normally] Fine. Chase: Could be sick sinus syndrome. Taub: No chest pain, shortness of breath. Brain aneurysm secondary to polycystic kidney disease? Foreman: Normal urinalysis. Kidney's impalpable. [to Thirteen] Is... that a new watch? Thirteen: Thought I'd give myself a little treat. What if it's not his brain, but it's on the way to his brain? Carotid stenosis. House: Get an ultrasound of his carotids. See if his arteries are clogged. [Taub and Thirteen leave. House goes to his office. Foreman clears his throat and turns to Chase.] Foreman: How much money do you make? [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s playing with her Blackberry and barely looks at him.] Foreman: I want a raise. Cuddy: And I will be happy to talk about that at your next review... in August. Foreman: I know that you're paying me less than everyone else on the team. Cuddy: [looking up] I can't discuss other people's salaries. You know that. Foreman: Now that they know I'm making less than they are, they'll never respect me. Cuddy: [putting down the Blackberry] And who told them how much you make? Foreman: It's not fair for me to make less than the people I supervise. Cuddy: Salary isn't about fairness. It's about what you can leverage in negotiation. Which isn't much without a competing offer on the table. And we both know you don't have one. [Cut to House’s office. Thirteen and Taub enter. House is fidgeting with the dials on some electronic equipment on his desk. It starts making static and feedback noises.] Thirteen: Ultrasound showed no narrowing or obstruction in the patient's carotid. Taub: Not that he's worried – keeps asking me when he can leave. [House looks at them as Mickey’s voice comes over the machine House is playing with.] Mickey: A place in the business of healing people, you'd think they'd have better chicken soup. Thirteen: You bugged his room? House: Our patient sleeps in the building where they keep their stash. Eventually, he'll say something that gives away where that is. And we'll find out what's making him sick. [Mickey’s voice can continue to be heard although the words are drowned out by the conversation in the office. House continues to play with the dials and produces more feedback shrieks.] Thirteen: But we ruled out environmental causes. House: You ruled out environmental causes. Taub: And you pretended to agree, just so we'd take him out of his room so you could plant the bug. House: Carotid stenosis was a decent idea. But an even decent-er idea is that he's got toxins stored in his fat cells. Every calorie he burns makes him sicker. Taub: If we're going with toxic exposure, we should just start testing for the most likely suspects. Thirteen: Bug's a better idea than blindly running tests for days. [The receiver shrieks. House pulls his hands back then turns it off.] House: Tell him it'll take weeks. It'll be faster. [Cut to Mickey’s room.] Mickey: What do you mean weeks? Taub: These tests take time. There are a lot of possibilities. Mickey: No, but I-I can't sit here this long. I got things I gotta take care of. Taub: If you're worried about all the poor school children going without their drugs, I'm sure someone – Mickey: I wanna be discharged. Taub: I'll get the forms. [Cut to Thirteen and Chase following Mickey’s car.] Chase: This is ridiculous. Thirteen: Beats sitting in a lab all day. Chase: In the lab there is significantly less chance of getting klled. You're too close. Slow down. Thirteen: We're in a car in broad daylight. What's gonna happen? Chase: You honestly think he doesn't have a gn in that car? Thirteen: That he's gonna use to sh*t doctors? Chase: Just... back off. [pause] Hey, well played with the watch, by the way. Thirteen: Borrowed it from a friend. Chase: How much longer are we gonna keep lying to him? Thirteen: Until it's no longer fun. We all thought he needed to be taken down a few notches. Chase: So we're just having fun, not getting even? [Mickey drives through an intersection just as the light turns red.] Thirteen: Oh, crap. [She speeds up and follows him, regardless of the light which has changed.] Chase: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thirteen: He's gonna get away. [A siren is heard. Chase turns and looks out the back window. A police car, with it’s lights flashing, is gaining on them. Chase turns back, snickering.] Thirteen: Shut up. [Cut to the lobby of House and Wilson’s building. Nora opens her mailbox. House is there.] House: 3-B? You're Nora, right? My roommate tells me you're the one to thank for all the tips about the neighborhood. Greg. [He smiles fully – showing teeth – and extends his hand before opening the mail box for 3-F.] Nora: Nice to meet you. House: I hear you thought that Wilson and I liked to polish each other's swords. And by swords, I mean pstol. [He looks at the far wall and walks away.] Nora: Of course he told you about that. House: Oh, don't worry. Actually, I'm surprised that doesn't happen more often. We're both straight. [There’s a flat package, about 6 feet tall, wrapped in brown paper, leaning against the wall. House rips the paper off. It’s an enormous, framed poster from “A Chorus Line.” House steps back and clasps both hands and his mouth, admiring it.] Oh, my... God, that is beautiful. [to Nora] We finally have the room to display it the way it deserves. Would you – would you help me get this upstairs? Nora: Absolutely. [She takes hold of one side of the poster as he gets the other.] House: Nice shoes, by the way. Louboutin? [Cut to a hallway at PPTH. Foreman and Taub are leaving for the day.] Taub: You talk to Cuddy? Foreman: sht me down. Taub: So, uh, what are you gonna do now? Foreman: I'll wait for my review in August. Taub: Oh. Foreman: [stopping] What? Taub: Nothing. That's what I would do. But I'm a coward. [Both their pages beep. They check them.] [Cut to the ER. Mickey is in a bed. Eddie stands next to him. Nurse Yvette fills Taub and Foreman in.] Yvette: His friend brought him in 15 minutes ago. Temp's 105. Pulse is weak and thready. Eddie: He's not making any sense. Mickey: [trying to get out of bed] It's too much money, Eddie. That wasn't the deal. That wasn't the deal. Eddie: Is he gonna be okay? Mickey: Eddie! [Cut to Diagnostics.] Taub: We gave him antipyretics and soft steroids to reduce the fever and prevent organ damage. He's no longer delirious. Chase: Patient went out, came back worse than before. Points us back to environmental, tied to wherever he went. House: No, it doesn't. Where's Foreman? Taub: He had a meeting with Cuddy. Thirteen: What do you mean, "No, it doesn't"? We screwed up the tail. My car was impounded. House: True, amusing, and irrelevant. Foreman fall for the paycheck thing? [Long pause while all three look at him.] Taub: Uh, yeah. House: Mazel tov. Should be fun to watch. Thirteen: You're off environmental? House: Wherever he went, it wasn't for long enough. Add in the fever and infection's way more likely. And if it is an infection, his symptoms suggest it's moved to his brain. Which means... Chase: [getting up] I'll do a lumbar puncture. [Taub follows Chase out.] [Cut to Eddie’s room. Taub is doing the lumbar puncture. Chase is assisting.] Mickey: Next time you're tailing someone, take two cars. Chase: You knew we were following you? Mickey: [chuckles] I'm sorry. I had to lose you. I had business to take care of. Chase: Right, because you're a businessman. Do you know how many junkies come into the E.R. every week with their brains melting? Mickey: I'll bet there's more drunks with their livers giving out. A liquor store owner laying on this table – I'm guessing he doesn't get attitude. [cries out in pain] Aah! Taub: I ht bone. His old back injury must have flattened out his discs. Sorry, but I've got to try this again. You okay? Mickey: Yeah. An adult wants to get wasted, why is it anybody's business what substance they use? Taub: Because some of those substances are against the law. Mickey: So your problem isn't that it's immoral. Your problem is that it's illegal. [grunts] I got the same problem. Taub: I'm in. [Chase hands Taub an instrument. He looks at a monitor, then at Mickey, puzzled.] Chase: Look at his heart rate. Taub: It's normal. Chase: I know. [Cut to House’s office. He’s on the computer. Wilson comes in.] Wilson: I ran into Nora this morning. She told me about your Evita listening party. House: The London and New York recordings are so different. Wilson: You were supposed to tell her that we're straight. House: She didn't believe me, either. Wilson: [smiling] You're doing this to mess with me. House: Correction – I started doing this to mess with you. Now I'm honestly trying to ht that. Wilson: By pretending you're gay and in a relationship with me? House: [standing] We're in a relationship and we're really unhappy. Communication's never been easy for us. Probably 'cause we're so closeted. I got it all figured out. Nora and I spend the next few weeks hanging out, become best girlfriends. I confide in her about our issues. Wilson: I can't decide if this plan is more despicable or illogical. [House drapes his cane across his shoulders like a yoke and hangs his hands over it, gesturing slightly.] House: Then, one night, we get drunk... back rub turns into a front rub... The next morning, "I've never felt this way about a woman before." Wilson: That's... quite a commitment you've made to jumping the girl I'd like to date. House: I'd like to date her. In the sense that I'd like to jump her repeatedly. Wilson: I saw her first. House: Seriously? You're invoking the guy code? Wilson: We're guys. It's a code. House: You're only bringing this up 'cause you know you're gonna lose. [Chase enters.] Chase: It's not an infection, but it might be an autonomic nerve disorder. House: The hair is still bumping me. Did you get it cut because you're ready for the next chapter or – Chase: We stuck a needle into his spinal bodies twice. His heart rate stayed normal. If we add that to his other symptoms... House: That would be a mistake. [He heads for the door, followed by Chase.] Wilson: She's never gonna fall for it. House: [over his shoulder] Well, then, you got nothing to worry about, sweetie. [Cut to Mickey’s room.] House: You're a wuss. Mickey: [sitting up] Say that when I'm better. House: What, are you gonna bat me up? That sounds stressful. Maybe you should pop one of your beta blockers first. Chase: You have a heart problem? House: Medically, no. He would have told us about that. Metaphorically... [Mickey looks around. House goes over and closes the door.] Mickey: It's an effect from operating outside of the law. Sometimes, I have to do bad things. And not always to bad people. Last few months, that hasn't been so easy. A guy got me the pills. [House nods.] And they control the stress. Look, don't – don't say anything to Eddie. All right? The last thing I need is the guys thinking that I've gone soft. House: When was your last pill before we originally admitted you? Mickey: Um, the night before. House: And we stuck you in here, and you went into beta blocker withdrawal. That's what caused the hypertension. When he got out of here, he took another pill, and the hypertension went away. Which means it was never a symptom. We take that off the table, we've got vertigo, fever... Chase: …and stress. He's been in this game for a while. Either he grew a conscience over the last few months or he's producing excess adrenaline. House: Pheochromocytoma. Mickey: What? House: It's Greek for, "You'll be back doing bad things to good people in no time." [to Chase] M.R.I. his adrenal glands. You're okay with that, right? You're not gonna put a pillow over his face? [Chase chuckles humorlessly.] [Cut to the new apartment. Wilson comes in. Past the still-packed boxes, the TV is on.] Wilson: Oh, great. Cable guy came. Woman on TV: You know what? It's going good. How about I just learn to keep people out of our business? And that's the real thing. [As he gets further in the apartment, he sees Nora and House sitting on a blanket on the floor. Candles line the edge of the blanket. House is sitting behind her, legs outstretched, giving her a backrub.] Wilson: Hello. Nora: [muting the TV] Hi, James. We've got some kung pao left. [arching her back as House finds a knot] Oh! God. Right there. Oh. Oh. House: We're having a picnic... with wine. Nora: I'll pour you a glass. House: He doesn't drink. Nora: [shrugging and picking up her glass] Oh. Well, more for us, then. Wilson: Well... I think I might... [briefcase plunks down] have a little... kung pao. [Still wearing his overcoat, he sits on a box, which collapses slightly. He picks up a take-out box. His shoes keep slipping on the floor as he tries to settle in. House stares at him but doesn’t stop the backrub.] [Cut to MRI room. Taub and Foreman are monitoring Mickey.] Taub: How'd it go with Cuddy? Foreman: She told me I needed leverage. So, I told her about an offer I had to help run the neuro department at Mercy. Taub: Wow. Are you really gonna take the job? Foreman: There is no other job. I bluffed. She called it. I'm not gonna beg to be underpaid. I'm leaving when this case is over. [Taub looks upset.] [Cut to the apartment.] Wilson: House is lying to you. Nora: I know. And so are you. It's 2010, I mean... You know, nobody cares if you're gay anymore. I mean, you don't have to be in the closet. Wilson: I'm not, I... Look around you. Does this really look like a place gay men live? A-apart from the poster. Those stools are our only furniture. There are no window treatments. Nora: Well, my ex-boyfriend didn't even know what window treatments were. [pointing] Is that Greg's Carpenters album or yours? Wilson: Look, House hates musicals and fashion and meringue. This whole thing is an act designed to earn your trust... [deep breath] in order to sleep with you. Nora: I get it. Wilson: [relieved] Finally. Nora: You're jealous. You know, if you want to spend more time with Greg, you should just tell him. [Wilson’s face is frozen.] [Cut to House’s office. He enters. Thirteen is behind his desk, listening to the bug.] Foreman: You were wrong. M.R.I. revealed no sign of a pheochromocytoma, which means Mickey's stress is just stress. We're back to vertigo and fever. Taub: And environmental is back at the top of our list of suspects. We're trying to narrow down the possibilities. House: [to Thirteen] That receiver doesn't respond to manual stimulation. Maybe if you took off your shirt. Thirteen: Actually, I resorted to something more exotic. I call it reading the instructions. Turns out if you screw the antennae into the wrong sockets, it doesn't actually work. Chase: We lost Mickey just outside Trenton. [Thirteen winces and pulls off the headphones when there’s very high-pitched feedback] Thirteen: [clears her throat] It's supposed to search for an open frequency. Chase: Most buildings there were built between 1920 and 1940. We're compiling a list of toxins most common – [House continues to stare at Thirteen and ignore Chase.] House: There's got to be at least one open frequency. [Cut to Mickey’s room. House and Thirteen enter. Eddie is there.] House: I need a few minutes with your friend. Or stay if you want. [He grabs a rubber glove and waves it around.] Rectal exam. Eddie: I'll check out the cafeteria. [He leaves. Thirteen closes the door after him.] House: [dropping the glove on the bed] Why the beta blockers? Mickey: What do you mean? House: Valium and Xanax actually reduce stress. Beta blockers just control the symptoms of stress. [He shoves his hand deep under the mattress. Mickey backs away from him.] Mickey: Whoa. House: Keep the heart from racing, hands from shaking, and all those stage fright issues. That's why some people take them when they perform. [House pulls out a fingernail size thing on a stick.] Mickey: What the hell is that? House: This is my bug. [He puts it in his pocket.] And this... [reaching between the pillows on the bed] Mickey: Um... House: This... This is yours. [He pulls out another one.] Thirteen: You bugged your own room? Are you... an informant? House: An informant would have sold his pals out to us at the first sign of a sniffle. This guy... is a cop. [Cut to the nurses’ station outside Mickey’s room.] Foreman: I don't see how this is relevant. House: In the land of no fun, you got a really sensible piece of property. Taub: Give him a break. Knowing this guy's an undercover cop doesn't get us any closer to curing him. House: Good point. You know what they say. Information is not power. Wait... Thirteen: You're saying we should use the cop thing to force him to talk? House: Force? I'm talking about the womanly art of persuasion. [She starts toward the room.] I said womanly. [Chase looks at him, shifts his jaw and heads into the room, followed by Thirteen.] Thirteen: If you won't talk to us, we'll find someone who will. I mean, you must have a supervisor. A... handler. Mickey: Good luck with that. You don't know my real name. You don't know if I'm local or state, F.B.I., D.E.A. But, by all means, get on the phone. Chase: I get it. These guys are lowlifes. You want off the street. Mickey: They're not just lowlifes. Eddie klled a snitch three weeks ago. Boss' orders. The-the boss, he's one of the biggest cocaine importers in the entire state. And he wants to expand down to Philly. Tomorrow night, he and Eddie are meeting the big fish. And the cops are gonna bust it. But if you guys get caught poking around there, the whole thing gets called off. Thirteen: That's noble, but you can't put your life at risk. Mickey: I've been undercover for 16 months. I haven't seen my wife... my house, my dog. I have put far too much into this, and I will not let it fail. So just... just keep me alive for another 24 hours. And I will tell you everything you need to know. [There’s a knock on door. Eddie opens the door and pushes the blinds out of the way.] Eddie: Hey. Uh, can I come in? Nurses out here can't keep their hands off of me. Mickey: [chuckling] He's a Casanova, huh? What, you bringing me my sandwich? Eddie: No, because, guess what. I don't read minds. [Mickey sits up straighter and holds his abdomen.] You okay? Mickey: Aggh! Gah! Aaaa! [Cut to Diagnostics.] Chase: He had a G.I. infarction caused by a clot in his superior mesenteric artery. We had to remove a foot of bowel. Thirteen: Any more clots keep forming, he may not last 24 hours. House: And the moron still won't talk. Taub: Bad guy, cool; good guy, moron? House: Pretty much. Chase: Guy's a hero. He's risking his life to put these dealers in jail. House: I'm sure the dealers who take their places will be very grateful. Foreman: So vertigo, fever, and thrombosis. We've already ruled out cancer and infection. He got worse on steroids, which suggests it's not autoimmune. So we're stuck with environmental. Taub: But what kind of environmentals? Toxins, parasites, allergens. Foreman: We should just pick the top ten possibilities and treat for all of them. Thirteen: Except that treating for everything could kll him faster than whatever's klling him. House: Got a better idea? Thirteen: Sort of. Chase is right. Our patient is holding out for noble reasons: protecting his bust. Anybody else on that crew got sick, I'm guessing they'd be a little more self-serving. [Cut to a waiting area. Eddie’s reading a parenting magazine. Thirteen comes over, holding two cups of coffee. She hands him one and sits down.] Eddie: Thanks. Thirteen: Surgery went well. You'll be able to see him soon. Eddie: Yeah, used to be all about Ferberizing your kid. Now they're saying it could mess them up. Heh. My – mine's six and a half. Thirteen: Mickey's getting worse. The clot is a very bad sign. We really need you to tell us where he's been. Eddie: Heh. I do that, there's a very good chance that I could end up John Doe at the county M.E. Thirteen: Look, Mickey got sick because he had the most exposure. Other guys are at risk too. You don't want to... [She looks at Eddie.] You okay? Eddie: I – I feel dizzy. [He puts down his coffee cup.] Thirteen: Are you diabetic? [She puts down her cup and puts her hand on his neck.] Eddie: No. Thirteen: When was the last time you were at your office? Eddie: Whoa... did you drug me? Thirteen: What? Eddie: You're trying to make me think that I'm sick so I'll take you to the stash. Thirteen: Of course not, but if you are sick – Eddie: No, I don't feel sick. I feel drugged! Trust me, I know the difference. Thirteen: [pause while she thinks, annoyed] You didn't even drink half of it. You'll be fine in an hour. [She gets up to leave.] Eddie: You think Mickey could die? Ah, it's just a deal. I'll take you. [Cut to a darkened drycleaner’s.] Thirteen: Couldn't have given us a heads up that he was living in a drycleaner? It's like living in a vat of poison. Eddie: Is that it? Can we get out of here? Thirteen: I gotta cover all our bases. Eddie: Okay, fine. Look... back there. Hurry up. [Thirteen takes samples from various surfaces and the rug. She picks up a large plastic bag from a cardboard box.] Thirteen: What are these, more chemicals? Eddie: Oh, not exactly. [He takes it and puts it back in the box.] Uh... If this stuff was the problem, there'd be a lot more sick people. [A heavy metal door slides open somewhere.] Did you call the cops? Thirteen: No. Eddie: No one's supposed to be here. [There are footsteps approaching. Thirteen reaches over and pulls Eddie toward her.] Thirteen: [whispering] Come here. [loudly, shoving him away] I said no kissing! Guy: Eddie. I didn't know you'd be here. Eddie: Um... uh... Thirteen: Look, the deal was just for you. This guy wants to watch, it's an extra 50. Eddie: Yeah, private party, man. Uh... I got it covered tonight. [After a moment, the guy walks off, giving Eddie the thumbs up. Eddie turns to Thirteen.] Nice. [Cut to a restaurant. House is dining with Nora who is wearing a dress that cost several hundred dollars.] House: The jealousy is... klling me. Nora: Well... he clearly cares about you. Very much. House: Why can't he show it in a – in a normal way? I'm so tired of... the whole silence and the resentment. I don't know if I can go back there tonight. [Dean Martin's "Sway" playing] [voice breaking] I need some time. Nora: Come stay at my place. House: Really? Nora: Mm-hmm. It'll be fun. You know, like a – like a sleepover. [They both giggle.] House: That would – that would be... It would be such a help. Thank you. Wilson: House. House: What are you doing here? Wilson: I'm here because... House: Nothing you can say is going to change anything. [Wilson takes a step closer to the table. Gathering his courage, he turns his head away and announces, loudly, to the whole restaurant…] Wilson: I love this man. And I am not wasting another moment of my life denying that. [He pulls something out of his overcoat pocket and kneels down next to the table. The “something” is a ring box, which he opens.] Gregory House... will you marry me? House: Wow. This is unexpected. [He stares at Wilson. Wilson stares back. Nora smiles, happy for them. House stares, still not talking. Wilson cocks his head, asking a silent question.] Lady: Say yes! [House looks over at her. Wilson, still not saying anything, shakes his head, inquiringly.] Nora: I'm gonna go. House: No – no, no, no. Nora: You two obviously have some talking to do. [whispers to Wilson] Excuse me. [Wilson touches his fingers to his forehead, saluting her or doffing an invisible hat. She slides past him. In one fluid movement Wilson closes the ring box, stands, takes her seat, her almost full glass of wine and drinks. House glares at him as he drinks from his own wine glass.] [Cut to a lab where Taub and Thirteen are testing all the samples Thirteen brought back. Chase enters.] Chase: How's it coming? Taub: So far, nothing. Carpet, paint, insulation. Even the gross food in the fridge. Everything's coming up clean. Thirteen: Which leaves the dry-cleaning chemicals. Should have the results in a few minutes. Chase: Foreman's already started him on inhaled albuterol. Chances are, this case is over. Taub: We have to tell him. Thirteen: We can't tell him. Won't change the fact that Cuddy let him walk. It'll just let him know it was all because of a stupid prank. Chase: [sighs] We have to tell Cuddy. We confess and beg her to take him back. Taub: If begging worked, he would have a raise, and we wouldn't be screwed. Foreman: Albuterol is not helping. Patient started coughing blood. Taub: What about adding ipratropium? That might – Thirteen: Don't bother. We assumed this place was using perchloroethylene. Turns out... petroleum solvents. Chase: The drug dealers are running a green drycleaner? Taub: I hate to push past the irony, but our patient's bleeding into his lungs, and we've got nothing. [Cut to Diagnostics. Chase is putting scans on the light board.] Chase: The V/Q scan last night showed a pulmonary aneurysm. Explains the coughing blood. I did an embolization to stop the bleeding, he then started up again this morning. Three more aneurysms. Foreman: Those look like mycotic aneurysms. Indicates a fungal infection. Taub: That'd be consistent with his other symptoms: the vertigo, the fever. Thirteen: I didn't see any fungus at the location, and none of the samples – House: Looks like somebody missed something. Which is embarrassing for somebody. Thirteen: And... the steroids we gave him would have suppressed his immune system. If that was a fungus, he'd have 30 aneurysms. House: Somebody's got a good point. Taub: One bleed to four in less than 12 hours? That seems like an uptick to me. Foreman: We need to start him on antifungal meds before he drowns in his own blood. House: [staring at the scans] Do it. [Cut to Mickey’s room. Foreman is hanging an IV bag.] Eddie: How long till it starts working? Foreman: Give it a few hours. I’ll be back to check on you. [Mickey starts coughing. Eddie picks up an emesis basin and helps him sit up. He coughs some blood into the basin.] Eddie: There you go. Take it easy. Mickey: You shouldn't have taken her there, you imbecile. They found nothing. You could have got your brains blown out. Eddie: I had to do something. I couldn't just sit and watch and... [They look at each other. Eddie sighs.] You're my friend. Mickey: Thanks. Eddie: You'd do it for me. [slight laugh] Ah. I... I should get going. Got the big man from Philly coming in tonight. [Mickey coughs weakly.] You want me to stay, I'll stay. Jimmy knows everything that we know. Mickey: No. The six months we put in on this... You gotta be there. Eddie: [nods] I'll swing by tomorrow. Mickey: Hey, Eddie. Eddie: Yeah? Mickey: I'm sorry. You know that... I can't go with you. [Eddie nods and leaves.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. Chase, Taub and Thirteen are there.] Thirteen: It was all our fault. Taub: We were screwing with Foreman, trying to make him think he made less than we did. Obviously, things got out of control. Cuddy: Well, someone does something stupid and insensitive, I always figure it was House. Good to know it's catching. Chase: Look, there is no other job. He was just trying to get a raise. Even if you gave him a little more money, I know he'd stay. Cuddy: I'm not giving Foreman a raise because the three of you decided to amuse yourselves. Thirteen: We know, and that's why we want you to take it out of our paychecks. Cuddy: You two okay with this? [Chase nods.] Taub: Is there any other option? Chase: We're okay with it. Foreman is a good team leader. He deserves it. Cuddy: Okay, then. That is what I will do. And just so you know... I have no idea what you're talking about. I haven't seen Foreman in three days. [As the three of them leave Cuddy’s office, Foreman is there, leaning on the nurses’ station.] Foreman: The phrase "who's your daddy?" comes to mind. [They leave. Foreman chuckles to himself.] [Cut to House’s office. He’s sitting and thinking while repeatedly clicking the top of a retractable pen against his forehead. There’s a knock on his door. He looks over.] Nora: [sticking her head in] Want to grab some coffee? House: Kind of a bad time. Nora: Sorry. Uh, you told me to drop by, so... This is when I could make it. House: Right. [He mumbles something as he gestures for her to have a seat.] This whole thing with Wilson... It's all my fault. We're not closeted, because we're not gay. [She smiles, disbelieving.] For real. [She stops smiling.] Wilson thought you were cute, and I was just yanking his chain. Maybe that's not the best phrasing. Nora: So you were only spending time with me to screw with him? House: God, no. I was spending time with you because I want to touch your boobs. [She puts her hand to her chest.] Enough to listen to Evita, twice. And I really hate Evita. That's how much I like your boobs. [She puts down her hand and stands to go.] Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait. [He gets up and comes to her.] Wilson... he's a really good guy. And he really likes you. Nora: Well, it's really... It's sweet of you to stick up for your friend like that. [She looks at his face.] And you're still trying to sleep with me. You know, maybe I will call him. It would serve you right. House: Wilson's a jerk too. Nora: Well, at least he tried to do the right thing. House: He's been divorced three times. He slept with a dying patient. Sure, he looks like a boy scout, but then... [House stops, mid-sentence, to think. He walks out as if Nora weren’t even there. Not used to his epiphanies, she gestures, planning to say something and ends up looking puzzled as the door closes behind him.] [Cut to Mickey’s room. Thirteen holds a basin as he coughs blood into it. Chase is checking the equipment.] House: The aneurysms look mycotic, but they're not. They're inflammatory. Because this is not a fungal infection. The hypertension was a real symptom. You've been unwittingly treating it with beta blockers. You stopped taking them, and your blood pressure went up. It's Hughes-Stovin. Mickey: Okay, so how – how do we treat this? Chase: [long pause] We don't. Hughes-Stovin is an autoimmune disease. Once it's this advanced, there's not much we can do. The aneurysms keep multiplying. Eventually... one of them will rupture. Mickey: Are you sure? House: If you die in the next day or so, I will be. Thirteen: Even if you had told us everything we wanted to know, it wouldn't have made a difference. You did the right thing. Mickey: I think I should call my wife now. [Montage to "Maggot Brain" by Funkadelic. – It’s snowing. – Mickey’s room. He and his wife lie on his bed. She’s crying. – The drycleaner’s. Eddie shakes hands with Gorski. – Mickey coughs. He seems to be in pain. His wife turns to look at him. – Gorski gestures that Eddie should give him a pack of drugs, which he does. – Eddie is now in obvious pain. His wife gets off the bed to go get help. – Marco picks up the box with all the drugs in it. Suddenly there are cops in the room. – Chase removes a pillow from behind Mickey’s back. – Gorski tries to run away. He stops when there’s a cop there. – Mickey is dying. His head is thrown back on the pillow. – Outside the drycleaner’s Eddie is being taken away. His hands are cuffed behind him. – Chase talks to Mickey’s wife. – Close-up of Eddie’s face, looking toward something. – Close-up of Mickey as he stops breathing. – Eddie is put in the squad car. – Mickey’s wife runs her hand over his forehead.] [Cut to the new apartment. It’s almost dark except for the ice hockey game on the TV. House and Wilson are almost swallowed up by a massive, orange home theater sofa/chairs. The armrest between the two sides is wide and flat and does double duty as a table.] Wilson: I'm sorry about your patient. House: He died a hero in his own mind. Guess it's better than nothing. Wilson: Ran into Nora in the elevator. She no longer thinks we're gay. Now she thinks we're mendacious dirt bags. House: Mendacious dirt bag comes much more naturally to me. Least we can get rid of that. [He gestures at the A Chorus Line poster.] Wilson: I kind of like it. [House stares at him.] Unlike this sofa. House: It's 500 bucks. And... [he pulls a lever on the side] it reclines. Wilson: [takes a deep breath and sings] ♪♫ One ♪♫ Singular sensation ♪♫ Every little step she takes House: I will punch you in the face. Wilson: I'll stop, if you get rid of the sofa. House: [glares at him] No chance. Wilson: [vocalizing the orchestration as well] ♪♫ Buh duh duh duh duh duh ♪♫ One ♪♫ Thrilling combination ♪♫ Every move that she makes ♪♫ Buh buh, buh buh, buh buh [The cast recording joins in but the “booms” are all Wilson, complete with hand gestures.] ♪♫ One smile, and suddenly ♪♫ Nobody else, boom ♪♫ Will, boom ♪♫ Do, boom boom, boom boom [House stares at him as if he’d lost his mind. The camera pulls back so all that’s visible is the back of the sofa and the game on the TV. Wilson drops out, leaving the soundtrack to sing the last line.] ♪♫ You know you’ll never be lonely with you know who. [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x11 - The Down Low"}	foreverdreaming
[The scene opens on three business professionals rushing through a small airport terminal] Norris: How am I supposed to walk into that meeting with no presentation? How the hell did you screw this up? Valerie: It wasn't me. Russ: She's lying. Valerie: No, we agreed. Russ: Her team had all the financials. Valerie: (to Russ) And we were swamped modeling them. That's why we agreed that you would do the slides. Norris: Well, one of you screwed up, so please try to figure it out, 'cause when the client dumps me, I need to know who to fre. Valerie: Look, I confirmed it in an email. Hold on. [They stop on the tarmac by the plane. Valerie finds the email on her phone] Valerie: (holding the phone up in front of her boss) Here. Norris: (after reading the email on Valerie’s phone) She did tell you about it, Russ. [Valerie shows the email message to Russ, who looks at it but is having a hard time seeing it. The message is blurry] Russ: I… I never got this. [Russ looks peaked and his breathing is shallow and rapid] Valerie: Russ, are you okay? Norris: Are you drunk? Russ: I'm not drunk. (He vomits onto the tarmac) All: Oh! Ah! [Russ wipes his mouth and looks up at Norris and Valerie] Russ: I'm not drunk. [Russ runs back into the airport terminal] Valerie: I had no idea he was drinking again. Norris: Well, you should have. Valerie: Give me five minutes. I'll go to the business center and print the graphs directly from the spreadsheets. Norris: Run. And bring me some paper towels. [Valerie starts for the terminal but stops and grabs her head with both hands as a loud booming sounds in her ears] Valerie: Ah! Ow! Ah! Norris: What? Valerie: Ah! Ah! Oh, it hurts. Norris: Don't tell me you were drinking too. Valerie: No. Ah! My ears. Oh my God. Oh. Ohhhhh. OPENING CREDITS [The scene opens on House seated behind Wilson’s desk at PPTH. The entire team is gathered around] Foreman: 27 year old female intense, intermittent ear pains, saw six doctors… House: Tell her to stop lurking in the front row. If she wants to ht on musicians that's what four buses are for. Next. Taub: If I ask why were in Wilson's office is there any chance I'll get a straight answer? House: Try it. Try it. Taub: 14-year-old boy, joint pain and excess hair growth. House: Tell him to masturbate, no more than 3 times daily. With meals. Next. Foreman: Did I mention that the 27-year-old female is really hot. And her husband is really not… House: Wild guess, he's rich. Foreman: Not unless social workers have gn pulling in the big money recently. House: (holding out his hand) Gimme... [Chase, who is holding the file, hands it to House] Thirteen: You're taking the case because she's hot? House: No, that would be an accident of genetics. It's because she's hot and her husband is ugly. It's a fascinating window into the mysteries of human psychology. Also, she's really hot. Thirteen: Or... She, you know, loves her husband. House: (reading the file) She loves something about him. Chase: Vitamin deficiency? She changed her diet a few months ago. Foreman: To a healthier diet, raw foods, lots of nuts. House: It's not the ear, it's the heart. Her protein is cheese, which can raise cholesterol. Hers was already elevated. Gave her arterial blockages. Chase: Cardiac arrhythmia presenting as ear pain. Very rare. Cool. House: So, beauty and the beast. (He hands the file back to Chase) Who wants to go see? (House’s phone rings) [The team heads out the door and House rises to follow them, taking out his phone as he goes. He closes Wilson’s office door, leaving the team to wonder why he is not following them. House checks his phone. The caller is someone named Wibberly. He presses the “ignore” button.] [Cut to Valerie’s hospital room, where the team, minus House, has assembled] Valerie: Let's see – Dr. Taub, Foreman, Chase, and Hadley. Taub: Four for four. Valerie: Wow, I can't believe I get all these doctors, and such good-looking ones too. [They have transferred Valerie to a wheelchair and all four of them wheel her out of the room] Thirteen: Yeah. It's almost like we don't all need to be here. Chase: Your case presented a very interesting diagnostic challenge. Valerie: Oh. [Cut to Wilson entering his office. He turns on the light to reveal House sleeping on the couch] Wilson: (sighing) You can't sleep in your own office? Or bedroom for that matter? House: (rolling over) Got to avoid my natural habitat. Some idiot I went to med school with keeps leaving messages and wants to drop by for lunch. Wilson: So tell him no. House: It's complicated. Wilson: It's too complicated for you to tell someone you don't like, to screw off? That's practically your hobby. [Wilson opens the blinds, letting in bright sunshine and causing House to wince] House: A few months ago he was... sort of part of my therapy. My shrink told me to write a letter of apology to someone I hurt. Wilson: (taking off his coat and putting on a labcoat) And how did you hurt him? House: We were in a seminar on flatworm genetics. I switched my final paper with his. Wilson: You plagiarized? Doesn't sound like you. House: I was testing a theory. I thought that our professor was biased against me. I assumed he'd get a high grade with my paper and I'd get a low grade with his. Interestingly, I was wrong. I got an "A.” Wilson: So you're in this mental hospital, delving into your subconscious, and this is who you choose to apologize to? House: Yep. Lorenzo Wibberly. Wilson: Of all the people in the world you've hurt? House: Not everyone has a name that's so easy to find in the white pages. Wilson: Um... I'm in there, and so is Cuddy. House: Yeah. And yet, I picked him. It's funny, isn't it? Wilson: (grabbing a patient file and heading for the door) Yes, it's hilarious. Great to see what a success your therapy was. (He leaves, closing the door behind him) House: (loudly) We said we'd never go to sleep angry. [Cut to Taub and Thirteen wheeling Valerie back to her room after the test. Her husband, Bill, is with them] Taub: We did find an arrhythmia. But it's not from your arteries. They're clean. Bill: Will the pain come back? Thirteen: We'll start her on cardiac meds. That should help. But we still need to figure out what's causing the arrhytxmia. Russ: (sitting in a chair in the corner of Valerie’s room) Hey, Valerie. Bill: (holding out his hand) Russ. It's so nice of you to stop by. Russ: (ignoring Bill) I got lots of free time now. Valerie: You don't blame me, do you? You were drunk in front of Norris. Russ: No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm drunk now. Then, it was like someone poisoned me or something. [Thirteen motions to Taub, who hurries out of the room to get help] Thirteen: Maybe you should come back later. Russ: (rising) Okay. I just wanna say good-bye. Valerie: Okay, Russ. Thank you for coming by. [Russ leans down to Valerie and puts his hand around the back of her neck. Thirteen grabs his arm and Bills pulls him from behind and shoves him away from his wife] Valerie: Hey! Bill: Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey. What are you doing? Russ: (to Bill) You poor son of a bitch. She doesn't love you any more than she loved me. Thirteen: Okay, you need to leave right now. Bill: (confused) You're pretending you had an affair with my wife? Russ: Yeah, we're all pretending. You got nothing to worry about. (He looks at Valerie) Valerie: Tell him where you were six months ago, Russ. Russ: I had a breakdown. I had some paranoid tendencies, as they say. But it turns out, I had a right, to be paranoid. Valerie: You need help. Taub: (coming back into the room with two security officers) Get him out of here. Russ: Okay. Okay. [Russ forms his hand into a gn, pretends to sh*t Valerie and then leaves with the security officers] Valerie: Oh, my God. Bill: (kneeling before his wife) Honey, are you okay? Valerie: (sniffling) Yeah, I'm okay. Taub: We'll keep an eye out. He's not getting back into the hospital. Valerie: (to Bill) He's making all that up. You know that, right? Bill: Yeah, of course. [Thirteen looks at both of them questioningly] [Cut to House lying full out on the sofa in Cuddy’s office. He has his phone on speakerphone as he talks to the team, who are all gathered around the table in the diagnostics conference room] Chase: Where are you? House: Undisclosed location. Taub: Who are you hiding from? House: (looking at two framed photos on the coffee table) Wilson. And the lunch date that Wilson is, no doubt, right now trying to sic on me. But in the great game of chess that is our relationship, Wilson sees only one move ahead. (He sits up and picks up the photos) I see dozens. That is why he will never mate me. (When there is no response from the team, House clarifies) That's a chess term. [House looks at the two photographs. One is of a younger Cuddy, standing in, what looks like a jungle, holding a lemur. At her feet is a chimpanzee. The other photo is a recent picture of she and Lucas. A scheming House looks around the office] Foreman: That's great. A co-worker confronted our patient. Altered mental status. Basically accused her of poisoning him. We think he was projecting. House: So he's poisoning her. Chase: What could he get his hands on to cause supraventricular tachycardia? House: (riffling through Cuddy’s desk drawers) Does he have dry skin? Thin eyebrows? If you're sharing an amazed look, please do it louder. Taub: He might have. How did you know that? [House finds a pair of scissors and some tape, and limps back to the couch] House: If he has hypothyroidism and he dumped his meds in her coffee, that would make her heart go boom. (taking one of the photos out of the frame) In a bad way. Foreman: We'll treat with beta blockers. Thirteen: I'm sorry, but I totally disagree. Chase: With what? Thirteen: With everything. Why are we assuming he's lying and she's telling the truth? Foreman: Because she's a successful, happily married consultant, and he's a crazy, drunk weirdo who we just tossed out of the hospital. House: (taking the other photo out of its frame) And she's hot. Thirteen: Maybe she picked him because he's vulnerable. There's something off about her, I can feel it. Foreman: If you had any evidence, it would be – Thirteen: Why didn't she tell us a co-worker puked on her shoes right before she collapsed? Foreman: Because it's medically irrelevant. He was drunk, she was sick. [House sits looking at both photos as Thirteen and Foreman argue] Thirteen: You don't think it's suspicious she didn't even mention it to her husband? House: Yeah, Foreman. Why did you break up with Thirteen? Oh, no, wait, the non-subtextual thing she was saying, why that? Thirteen: This is about the case, not some imaginary issue that you think Foreman and I have. House: Great, start her on beta blockers. [House turns off his phone and starts to cut something out of one of the photos] Foreman: (to Thirteen) You'll do it. Thirteen: I don't think he was talking to me. Foreman: Well, I am. Thirteen: I'm the only one who thinks you're wrong. Foreman: Maybe that's why I'm asking you to do it. (Thirteen leaves the room) [Back in Cuddy’s office, House puts the defaced photos back on the table and sits looking at them, proud of his handiwork. In the jungle photo, Cuddy is now holding Lucas’ head, while in the other photo, House has replaced Lucas’ head with that of the chimpanzee. House’s expression turns sour as a man walks into the office] Wibberly: Greg? Lorenzo Wibberly. Dr. Wilson said you'd be here. How ya been? House: (to himself) Check, and mate. [Cut to the hospital cafeteria. At a table, Wibberly is eating, while House drinks a cup of coffee] Wibberly: Look... I'm sorry this is awkward or whatever. I just thought it was nice of you to write that letter, and I wanted to tell you that you don't have to feel bad. House: (looking uncomfortable) Thanks. So where are you working these days? You got your own practice or you at a hospital? Wibberly: I thought you knew. Dani's, the organic supermarket chain. House: As an in house doctor? Wibberly: I actually never got licensed. I didn't graduate med school. I planned on going back, and then my father got sick and I had to take care of him and had some bad luck. House: Why didn't you graduate? Wibberly: I was one credit short. And I was sort of already on academic probation. So... House: (almost afraid to ask) Which credit? Wibberly: I got a, uh... He failed me on that paper you switched. I thought you knew. House: (hopefully) So I'm guessing you're the CEO of this supermarket chain? Wibberly: I bag groceries. Life works out weird sometimes. [House looks rather remorseful] [Cut to Valerie talking inside the MRI. Thirteen is in the control room] Valerie: We were gonna do it in Santa Barbara because of his parents. But then I found this beautiful hotel in Montauk and – Foreman: (entering the control room) You're testing her for a brain tumor? Thirteen: That's what I told her. You can chastise me after you look at the monitor. Look what's lighting up. Foreman: Lateral frontal cortex, Broca's area – so what? Thirteen: I told her it was customary to talk during MRIs, to relax. I spent the last 30 minutes asking her about everything in life that she loves, then hates, then feels any emotion about at all. Foreman: (looking at the monitor) There's nothing in the paralimbic system, amygdala. Thirteen: Because she's using the language part of her brain and bypassing the emotional. She can understand love and pain and empathy, but she can't feel them at all. She's a psychopath. [Cut to House, Thirteen, and Foreman walking down a hospital corridor toward Valerie’s room] Thirteen: Why do you want to meet her so badly? House: Psychopaths always fascinate me. I think it's their cultural literacy and strong family values. Or is that Jews? Foreman: We're not gonna be able to get an honest read on her unless we figure out a way to get the husband out of there. House: Hmm. I got an idea. (to Bill) Can you get out of here? Thanks. (Bill leaves. House looks at Foreman) It was the "thanks" that did it. House: (to Valerie) Hi, I'm Dr. House. How long have you been a psychopath? Valerie: (glancing at Thirteen) Are you kidding? Thirteen: He's not. Valerie: Are you saying I'm like Ted Bundy or something? House: Psychopathy can get a bad rap. It doesn't necessarily mean you're violent. Just that you're completely without conscience, you lack any normal emotion, you manipulate everyone around you, you're promiscuous, you lie pathologically. Any of this ringing bells? Valerie: (to Thirteen) Is that why you were asking me all those weird questions? House: Yeah – though you have Darwin to thank for that. She got the creeps around you. Which oddly, is an actual medical phenomenon around psychopaths. Probably an evolved response to predators. Valerie: I'm sorry, you're really freaking me out. I have no idea what – House: Relax. We have a duty of confidentiality. And you have an undiagnosed heart problem that could kll you at any moment. We believe that your mental abnormality is related to your physical one. So if you want to keep on predating... [Valerie pauses for a moment trying to decide whether or not to be truthful] Valerie: (bluntly) What do you want to know? [House looks at Thirteen, who steps up to the bed] Thirteen: Your co-worker's story was true. You poisoned him. Valerie: No. I gave him a little valium and an emetic. House: You sure you understand what the word "no" means? Valerie: I've had them both before, why can't he? Thirteen: So you were just helping him out? And I assume he was cool with the whole seducing and fring part too? Valerie: Russ knew what he was getting into. He got sex every Thursday night, and I got to take credit for his best ideas. Foreman: And what are you getting out of your marriage? Valerie: Same thing you get out of your job. Bill has a trust fund. And I have a prenup his parents made me sign. House: Told you he was rich. She's not that weird. Valerie: I'm not so different than anybody else. Everyone I've ever known – my family, my classmates, the people I work with. They're all out for themselves. Difference is, I could admit it to myself. Thirteen: She kind of reminds me of someone I know. House: Tell me about it. Some of my co-workers will insult people right to their faces. How long have you been this way? Valerie: Just how I am. Are you gonna cure my heart problems now? [Cut to House, Thirteen, and Foreman walking down a hospital corridor toward the elevator] House: So psychopathy plus cardiac arrhythmia. Go. Thirteen: I thought you were bluffing to get information. You really think they're connected? House: Two rare conditions in one patient, it's a fair assumption they are. Thirteen: Psychopathy is generally just genetic. Nothing you can do about it. Something that hits 30 years after birth isn't gonna be connected. House: Her disease isn't gonna lie dormant that long. Did her heart warp her brain? Thirteen: Maybe a handful of diseases. House: It'll be super awesome when we find it. (He stops in front of the elevator and pushes the button) Foreman: Tertiary syphilis can cause pseudopsychopathic syndrome and cardiomyopathy. House: Fits best. Start her on penicillin, and rule out Wilson's and Hashimoto's. There's your handful. Wasn't so hard, was it? [House gets into the elevator and Thirteen turns to go treat the patient. Foreman pauses a moment and then gets on the elevator with House] Foreman: You've gotta do something about Thirteen. She flouted both my authority and yours. House: Yes, and she got it right and you got it wrong. Foreman: Which just aggravates the problem. She'll do it again. Next time it won't work out so well. You gotta punish her. House: You're her boss. In some vague, never to be usefully defined way. You punish her. Foreman: I'm also her ex, which, as you know, makes it a little complicated. House: The fact that you also fired her takes it from a little complicated to a little moronic. Foreman: It was the only way I could – House: It wasn't because you were too in love with her. It was because you were too in love with your career. We're almost at my floor so I'll summarize. Your problem, not mine. (He gets off the elevator) [Cut to House entering the clinic. Cuddy is standing at the main desk] Cuddy: You cut up my only copy of that photo. House: That rare daguerreotype. You can charge me for the effort it takes to search your hard drive for a new copy. Cuddy: (she follows House to the door of an exam room) Not the one of me and Lucas. The one from Ecuador. House: Right. I had forgotten your deep emotional attachment to lemurs. Cuddy: To my dad. House: You got his tail? Cuddy: He was holding the camera. That was the last trip we ever took together. And I don't have a digital copy. House: Well, I could stand here all day apologizing, but I'd rather expiate my sins with good clean work. [House enters the exam room, where Wilson is treating a patient] House: You ignoring my texts? Wilson: The crazy ones you sent trying to get me to make you feel better about destroying your classmate's life? No, I never got those. Jose: ¿Y este quién es? (Who is this?) Wilson: (in poor Spanish) Él es un doctor de medición (He is a doctor of medical.) House: También de la medicina (Also of medicine.) Doctor Wilson me llamó a una consulta (Dr. Wilson called me in on a consult.) House: Wibberly's got some agenda. Probably trying to guilt me into getting him a better job. Wilson: How pissed was he? House: Not at all. That's how I know he's got an agenda. Jose: (rubbing his eye) Me duele mucho (It hurts a lot.) House: Entonces no te lo hubieras golpeado (Then you shouldn’t have ht it.) Jose: Trabajo en condiciones muy peligrosas (Very dangerous working conditions.) Wilson: If you feel guilty, you should do something to help. You are responsible. House: No te preocupes. (Don’t worry.) El Dr. Wilson es un muy buen médico. Wilson: Thanks. House: Quién tiene una enorme consideración por los pacientes por su propia batalla fatal con impotencia. (Dr. Wilson is a very good doctor. Who has enormous empathy towards patients which stems from his own crippling battle with male sexual dysfunction.) Wilson: What? House: All I'm responsible for is the foreseeable consequences of switching papers. A bad grade or a sleepless night, worst case, a retest. There was no way to know that one seminar paper was gonna destroy this idiot's life. Wilson: If there's any karma in all this, he's probably happier than you are. House: Good point. If he's happier, there's no harm done. I'll go find out. Wilson: That is absolutely not what I said. House: (to Jose) Always with the modesty, this one. House: La siguiente vez que tu quieras drogarte secretamente y confundir tu dedo con un clavo, las gotas para los ojos son buen remedio, pero usa menos por eso es que estas llorando demasiado. (Next time you want to get secretly stoned at work and mistake your thumb for a nail? Eyedrops are a good call, but use less, that’s why you’re tearing up so much.) Wilson: What did – Jose: Ah, dice que tu eres muy buen doctor (He says you are a very good doctor.) Wilson: Hmm... [Cut to Wibberly opening his front door to House] Wibberly: You want something to eat? House: I'm cool. How's work? You happy with it? Wibberly: You know... It's a job. I don't need to take any work home with me at least. House: Free time... Wouldn't have any of that if you were a doctor. Wibberly: Yeah. True. You like chili? I could reheat some. House: (looking out the sliding glass doors at the back of the house) Is that your yard? That's nice. Wibberly: Yeah. That sugar maple, 100 - 150 years old. Most beautiful leaves in the fall. Sitting underneath on the bench – It's like paradise. House: I don't have a yard, myself. You got a good thing going. Wibberly: I know. House: (looking around the living room) So what are the boxes for? Wibberly: I'm moving. House: From paradise? Wibberly: Well, my dad's medical bills and me being one of those idiots that got an adjustable mortgage. So… House: You're losing your home. Wibberly: Hey, it could be worse, right? House: How? [Cut to Taub and Thirteen talking with Valerie and Bill in her room] Taub: Even if the tests are positive, you don't have to worry. Bill: You're testing for syphilis, not a cold. Valerie: Honey... Taub: At this stage, it's probably not communicable. Bill: You think I'm worried about myself? I just want my wife to get better. Thirteen: She might have caught it at birth. So it doesn't prove she was cheating. If you were worried about that. Bill: Of course not. Valerie: How many weeks am I gonna have to – (coughing) Bill: (to Valerie) You okay? Why is she coughing? Taub: I don't know. Bill: Do you want some water? (He takes the water pitcher off the bed table and goes to get water) [Valerie stops her, obviously fake, coughing and turns to Thirteen] Valerie: Are you thrat by me? Thirteen: (surprised by the abrupt turn in behavior) Not at all. Valerie: (coldly) Well, you should be. You let him know what I told you, I will not only have your license pulled, I will sue you for everything I lose in the divorce. So the fun you get out of making those snotty little comments, is it worth $19 million? Oh, wait, will you hold that look? I'm really bad at showing emotions. How's this? (She gives a little hiss of surprise) Valerie: (to Bill, who has come back with a full pitcher) Thanks, baby. Thirteen: Can I have your arm please? [Thirteen turns over Valeries arm. There is a sharp snap and the arm breaks] Valerie: Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! My arm! You broke it! [Cut to House, Taub, Thirteen, and Chase gathered around the table in the diagnostics conference room. Foreman is leaning against the bookcase behind House] Thirteen: I don't know what happened. House: (looking at a lab report and then putting it down on the table) Neither do I, but I know what happened after. She called Cuddy and demanded that I kick you off the case. I backed you up, because I trust you. But you're gonna have to earn that trust now. Thirteen: Thanks. Taub: (reading the lab report that House put down) Actually, he backed you up because of the new B.U.N. creatinine numbers. Brittle bones were from kidney failure. House: There is that. So, heart and kidneys. Foreman: And brain. House: Nope, psychopathy is not a symptom. Chase: It was yesterday. House: In the meantime, kidney failure ruled out syphilis and testing ruled out the other ideas that would've fit. Foreman: Protein levels, kidneys, arrhythmia. Could be paraneoplastic. I'd say lymphoma. House: Get her to radiotherapy. Thirteen: We can't start radiation without immunoassays on her urine. Foreman: Great, so you cast a spell and magically fix her kidney so she can give us some urine to test. Thirteen: We have some left over from admission. Foreman: Not enough for a completely accurate reading. Thirteen: Then how about partially accurate? House: Those of you who haven't slept together, you can go. Everyone else, stay behind. [Chase gets up and leaves, but Taub just sits there, looking at House] Taub: Oh. Sorry. (to Thirteen) That was our secret, right? (He leaves) House: (to Foreman and Thirteen) Go have sex. Thirteen: No, thanks. House: Fine, I'll cover the Viagra and the lubricants. Just get me a receipt. Foreman: We have zero feelings for each other. House: (rising from the chair) Well, that's too bad, 'cause things worked much better when you did. Would it help if I slept with her? Thirteen: We were getting to a diagnosis. House: No, we were already at the diagnosis. You were creating a fake argument about an irrelevant treatment issue, 'cause you can't stand to be around each other. So have sex, fight or quit, I don't care. Whatever you're doing now isn't working. (He picks up the file and goes to his office) [Cut to Valerie being rolled out of her room, leaving Bill standing in the doorway. Thirteen is still in the room] Thirteen: (to Bill) You okay? Bill: Yeah. Look, I get that you gotta act fast – Radiation? You definitely ruled out everything else? Thirteen: I'm sorry, but... We could still check for environmental toxins. Where does she spend most of her time? Bill: Mostly at work, at home – Thirteen: Hobbies? Recurring activities outside the home? Bill: No, not really. She took a landscaping class, at the Y. Thirteen: When did it meet? Bill: Every Thursday night this summer. Thirteen: You dig in soil, you can be exposed to pesticides, heavy metals, lots of bad things. Can you find out all about her landscaping class, where it was, details like that? Bill: Yeah, I'll do it now. [Cut to House in the control room of the radiation suite. He pushes the mike button so that he can talk to Valerie, who is undergoing radiation therapy] House: So when you watch Star Wars, which side do you root for? Valerie: Dr. House. What are you doing? House: Just checking in on your radiotherapy. Valerie: From what I hear, you never visit patients. And now, you've come to chat with me twice. House: I want to know how you like being a management consultant. I'm thinking of getting into it. That or psychopathy maybe. Which pays better? Valerie: I think you're already into one of them. Dr. Hadley made a joke yesterday. She said I sound like you. House: I'm sure you understand what “joke” means. Valerie: So you're not just out for yourself? For example, you would never interrupt a sick woman's treatment just because of some personal obsession? House: Of course I'm self-interested. We all are. We're born that way. The rest of us are born with consciences. Valerie: Which is something you just sound ecstatic about. House: I'm not saying it's logical. I'm just saying it's human. Valerie: So if you know your conscience is just an animal instinct, you don't need to follow it. I think you realize that. That's why you're talking to me. [House switches off the microphone] [A quick nighttime exterior sht of PPTH and then the scene cuts to Valerie, who is back in her hospital room. Thirteen is with her. Bill enters] Bill: You - You lied about your landscaping class. Dr. Hadley thought the soils might be poisoned. Valerie: (to Thirteen) You told him that? Thirteen: I just thought – Bill: Russ said you were having an affair. Was that your cover? Every Thursday night you'd – Valerie: I'm so sorry. Bill: Oh, God. Valerie: It's not what you think. Do you remember that telecom case I said that we didn't get last year? In fact, we did, and I was swamped. Every Friday morning we had a conference call with London, so the night before I would – Bill: That's your excuse? You expect me to believe that you were at the office? Valerie: What's the biggest argument we've ever had? You said I spend too much time away from home. That I don't need a job, that you would take care of me. Bill: Yeah, that's all true. Valerie: You yelled at me. You made me feel like you didn't value anything that I did. I need this job to feel like I'm accomplishing something on my own. That's why I lied to you. [Thirteen is watching Valerie’s excellent performance with a look of incredulity on her face] Bill: If I call your office tomorrow and I check – Valerie: Call my office, call my secretary, call my clients – interrupt their dinner, wake them up, I don't care. I just want you to know the truth. You know I love you. Come here. Please. (Bill shakes his head, but comes to the bed. Valerie pulls him down and puts her arms around him) It's okay. [Over Bill’s shoulder, Valerie shakes her head and sh*t a look at Thirteen, almost daring her to say something about the lies she just told her husband] [Cut to Valerie talking to Cuddy about Thirteen who is also in the room] Valerie: fre her. Thirteen: What for? You seemed to have lied your way out of any trouble. Valerie: Until Bill checks up on my cover. And I have to create a whole new one to cover that one up. I've done it before but it's a pain. And I would like Dr. Hadley to share that pain. Cuddy: She didn't reveal any confidences, and she had a valid medical reason to ask about your landscaping class. Valerie: We can see what a jury says about that. Cuddy: And admit to your husband the truth? You're not gonna sue us. We will remove Dr. Hadley from all patient contact. Thirteen: What? Cuddy: But it's for Dr. Hadley's benefit, not yours. We have no obligation to inflict you on her. (Cuddy starts to leave, but pauses when Valerie speaks) Valerie: Fine. (to Thirteen) But just so you know, this is not for your benefit. Dr. Cuddy's furious that you put her hospital at risk. She just knows it's a bad idea to admit it in front of me. Cuddy: Think what you want. By the way, your orderly's outside. But I'd wait about another ten minutes if you really want your husband to think you're having radiation treatments. [Cuddy leaves. Thirteen is about to follow her, but is stopped by Valerie] Valerie: Dr. Hadley, are you by chance gonna cry? 'Cause that's one I just can't do. [Thirteen, looking tearful, leaves the room] [Cut to a quick exterior, early morning sht of PPTH and then to Thirteen sitting alone in the diagnostics conference room. Her phone vibrates] Thirteen: (picking up the phone) Hello? This is Dr. Hadley. (listening) What? [Cut to Thirteen walking determinedly into Valerie’s room. Chase and Bill are in the room] Thirteen: (angrily) You called the medical board? Valerie: What is she talking about? Thirteen: Accusations of sexual harassment. You don't think I know it's you? Chase: Thirteen, come on. Thirteen: You already got me fired from the case. What else do you want? Foreman: (appearing at the door of the room) Dr. Hadley. Get out here now. [She turns away from Valerie’s smug expression and goes out into the hallway with Foreman] [Cut to Foreman and Thirteen talking in a empty procedure room] Foreman: You're acting like an idiot. Thirteen: (still very angry) She's trying to make me lose my license. Foreman: And she'll fail, unless you're stupid enough to go in there and scream at her. Thirteen: Sexual harassment accusations are incredibly serious. Foreman: If she made them anonymously, the case goes away. If she used her name, we all back you up, it goes away. You're completely overreacting. Thirteen: You'd be pissed off too if you were me. Or maybe not, I don't know. You're just about as emotional as she is. Foreman: I'm doing you a favor. Thirteen: I know. And even when you try to do something nice, you sound like a jerk. Foreman: I'm sorry. Thirteen: For what? Foreman: For fring you. Thirteen: Don't do that, that's not what this is about. Foreman: Then I'll apologize anyway. I did it for me. Not for you. I realized that right after I fired you. But I couldn't admit it. Screwed everything up. I hope that we can still work together. (Foreman’s pager goes off and he hurries out of the room) [Cut to Taub and an orderly wheeling Valerie quickly down the hall. There is blood running down her face and neck from her mouth. Foreman is explaining the situation to Bill] Foreman: Something's wrong with her liver. Blood flow is backing up, spilling into her esophagus. Bill: From the cancer? Foreman: This isn't lymphoma. We don't know what it is. We can wrap bands around the veins, but the bleed is so bad, that might not work. I want to try something called a "tips," a shunt that makes the blood bypass the liver. Bill: That – that'll save her? Foreman: It should help preserve her liver and heart. The liver cleans out toxins, bypass it too long, she'll get brain damage, eventually die. That's still probably less dangerous than bleeding out now. [Taub and the orderly wheel Valerie through the doors to the OR. Foreman remains outside, needing to get permission from Bill] Bill: Probably? Valerie, she usually makes the decisions. Foreman: You gotta step up now. Bill: Was she cheating on me? Foreman: I can't discuss – Bill: Just tell me she wasn't lying. Just tell me that. I'm supposed to make this decision? I don't even know who she is anymore. Foreman: Either way, you gotta do it right now. Bill: Do whatever you think is right. [Foreman rushes into the scrub room, peeling off his labcoat as he goes] [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House and the team are running a new differential] Chase: I'd give her a day. Two days at the most. House: Great. You be the clock. Everyone else will be the doctors. Heart, kidneys, now liver. Thirteen: Amyloidosis? Chase: No speckles on the MRI. Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency? Foreman: Too much kidney failure. Taub: Primary hepatic fibrosis? House: That's our best guess. Start her on steroids. Chase: Even if we're right, the liver's probably too scarred. We've got to list her for a new one. Thirteen: With an unconfirmed diagnosis? Not gonna happen. Foreman: How about a family member? Chase: I don't think the husband is the right blood type. Even if he was, he's not gonna give his liver now. Thirteen: He left her, I assume? Taub: Not yet. Says he won't abandon her while she's sick. She have any other family members? Thirteen: No one's gonna risk their life to save hers. House: Man, one false accusation from a psychopath, and you turned out to be a real bummer. I'm gonna go see if Wilson has the liver left. [Cut to House sitting at the desk in his office. He is writing something] Wilson: (entering the office) What are you doing? House: Paying Wibberly's mortgage for a few months. (He rips the check out of the book) Congratulations on another successful round of hectoring. Wilson: Wait a minute, is that actually a check for him? House: No. It's a giant novelty item for winning the lottery. You're just standing really far away. Wilson: Of all the people to go the extra mile for, why this guy? House: (putting the check in an envelope) I don't know. He just kinda smells good and makes me laugh. Wilson: Why not Cuddy? You never apologized after you defaced her photo. House: Maybe because I recognize that sending someone to the poorhouse is a little more serious than editing a snapshot. Wilson: No, it's because Cuddy actually means something to you, which makes it much harder to apologize. House: (addressing the envelope) Oy. If it will make you shut up, I will tell her I'm sorry about the photo. Wilson: Forget the photo. House, she was in love with you. (House licks and seals the envelope) And all she got in return was abuse. For years you toyed with her emotions. House: She wasn't in love with me. Wilson: The fact that you still can't admit it just proves my point. House: (fed up, and leaning back in his chair) What do you want? Helping the guy was your idea. Wilson: No, help the guy, whatever... I'm just pointing out that it's much easier to soothe your guilt by throwing money at a stranger than by making amends to a person you actually care about. House: You had me at "much easier." I'm gonna pretend to go to work now. (House bangs loudly on his keyboard, and pretends to return the carriage as if on an old typewriter) Bing! (Wilson, looking disgusted, leaves) [Cut to a woman leaving Valerie’s hospital room. Thirteen sees her and, finding out who she is, runs down the stairs in an attempt to catch up with her. She intercepts her in the main lobby] Thirteen: Sarah? I'm Dr. Hadley. I'm–I'm sorry to bother you, but I was told you're Valerie's sister? I was just surprised you came to visit. Sarah: Yeah, so is the rest of my family. Thirteen: I was even more surprised you got tested as a donor. Sarah: Wrong blood type. Thirteen: But why? I mean, you know what she's like. Sarah: She's not that bad. Thirteen: Yes, she is. Sarah: Our dad was a mean drunk. I was the older sister. I was supposed to stand up for her, not the other way around. Thirteen: She protected you when you were kids? Sarah: Yeah, and then all of a sudden... All of his crap and all of his abuse... It just changed her. It made her cold. Thirteen: When? [Cut to House sitting at his desk, feet up, and fiddling with the envelope containing the check to Wibberly. Thirteen rushes in] Thirteen: We were wrong. Psychopathy is a symptom. I spoke to her sister. She wasn't always like this. She changed, and right around adolescence. House: So liver, heart, brain, can lie dormant, and, it starts at puberty. (he pauses, thinking) The raw food diet made it go fulminant... Nuts are high in copper. It's Wilson's Disease. Thirteen: We ruled that out. No keyser-fleischer rings. House: There is one other sign. I know there are lipstick lesbians. Are there nail polish remover bisexuals? [Cut to House and Thirteen entering Valerie’s hospital room] Bill: She's not supposed to be here. House: As a doctor. You didn't say anything about her capacity as a beautician's assistant. [House takes a bottle of fingernail polish remover from Thirteen, and wetting a cotton ball, puts it on one of Valerie’s fingers. He rubs it a bit, and when he removes it, the top of her fingernail is blue] Bill: Her fingernail's blue? House: Yep. (to Thirteen) start her on chelation. [House leaves] Valerie: What just happened? Thirteen: You're gonna get better. Your body has an inability to process copper. It caused all of your problems. Even what's wrong with your brain. Bill: And that's gonna change too? Thirteen: It's probably rewired her neurons permanently by now. Valerie: But it's possible? Thirteen: Maybe. I have to go get the chelation equipment. Bill, I need you to sign some forms. [Bill follows Thirteen out of the room. They stop in the hallway to talk] Thirteen: You don't see what she's doing? She's laying the groundwork to get her treatment, wake up a completely different person, so that you and all of your money stay with her. It's a lie. Bill: You said there was a chance. Thirteen: Okay, there's a teeny chance. But even if it cures her, it's not going to make her love you. Bill: I was happy before... Thirteen: I know. And I'm sorry, but it wasn't real. Bill: It felt real. I don't know... Maybe that can be enough. [Cut to House and Wibberly sitting in Wibberly’s living room] Wibberly: You're really doing this for me? House: Tax shelter. I'll take some of that chili now. Wibberly: (holding the check) I can't accept this. House: Fine. Forget the chili. Bye, Wibberly. (House stands up to leave) Wibberly: (stopping House) I got an "A+” with your paper. I was an orthopedic surgeon for ten years at New York Mercy. I had a gambling problem. I tried to cover it by over-billing some medicare patients. Lost my license. That's why I'm here. Not because of you. House: Why are you telling me this now? Wibberly: (sighing and standing up) Because I thought you'd be the same bastard you were in med school, but, uh... (He hands the check to House, who takes it) House: (giving the check back to Wibberly) Keep it. Wibberly: No, I can get another place. House: Just take it. I screwed you over. Wibberly: (giving the check back to House) You got me an "A+.” House: Take it. Wibberly: No! House: (yelling) Do I have to shove it down your throat? (He pries open Wibberly’s hand and forces the check into it) Take the damn check! [They look at each other for a moment, then Wibberly holds out the check. House takes it and leaves] [Cut to Valerie’s hospital room] Thirteen: Your vitals are up. Valerie: Treatment's working. Thirteen: I’m not sure we can fix your liver, but we can definitely list you for a new one. Bill: When you're better, we're gonna take a long vacation. You wanna go to Vietnam, one of the beaches, we're gonna get a hut. Just you and me, nothing to worry about. Valerie: (to Bill) You're pathetic. Bill: Wha–what? Valerie: I mean, when you had a suspicion, fine. But you know now. How can you be this pitiful? Bill: You don't mean this. You're sick. Valerie: I'm not sick. I almost died and I still might. And who knows, maybe it's focusing my mind because the idea of spending the rest of my life with you – Bill: Valerie... [Valerie turns her head away. Bill, looking hurt, picks up his coat and leaves] Thirteen: Why did you do that? Valerie: Because he's pathetic. Thirteen: He hasn't changed... But you have. The treatment actually worked on your brain. If you were still a psychopath, you would've just kept draining him dry. Valerie: What do you want? Thirteen: You're feeling something. What is it? What do you feel? Valerie: I don't know. It hurts. Thirteen: It will. [Valerie stifles a hitch in her throat, and for the first time, looks truly upset] [Cut to Foreman sitting alone at the table in the diagnostics conference room working on his computer. Thirteen enters] Foreman: Heard about the diagnosis. Nice job. Thirteen: Thanks. Why are you here so late? Foreman: Discharge summary. Taub's handwriting isn't helping much. Apparently on the third day of admission, the patient underwent “rabbit thumping.” Thirteen: (taking the clipboard) Um... Radiotherapy. Foreman: Ah. [She sits down and starts to read the notes on the clipboard to him] Thirteen: Third day after admission, patient underwent radiotherapy including external beam radiation... (She pauses and looks at Foreman as he types) To treat b-cell lymphomas. First treatment was... (flipping to the next page) full mantle therapy... [The final dialogue free scenes are set to Why Try to Change me Now sung by Fiona Apple] [Cut to House approaching Cuddy’s office at the end of the day. She is sitting at her desk. He starts to enter, but Lucas appears beside her, hugging her as they look at something on her computer. House looks down, unable to proceed with Lucas there, then he turns and leaves] [Cut to House walking up the snow covered walk to Wibberly’s house. It is dark, but there are lights on in the house. He goes up onto the porch, and slips the check for $5000.00 through the mail slot. Then he turns and walks back down the walkway] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x12 - Remorse"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a football stadium. The stands are empty but there are players on the field. “Rocket Science” by Teddybears plays as the camera focuses on No. 77, Daryl. He is massive.] [Up in the stands there are half a dozen men watching the skirmish. Glenda takes a seat next to one of them.] [Back on the field, No. 77 goes into a crouch. He stands and moves forward, driving one of those big, padded weight things forward several feet before picking it up and carrying it further.] Coach: Good explsin! Drive it! [Daryl begins grunting as the coach continues in the background.] Drive it! Drive it! [Cut to the stands, intercut with the skirmish on the field.] Glenda: You watching 77? Scout: I'm watching everybody. Glenda: You don't need to watch everybody. You need to watch 77. Scout: You his agent? Glenda: Just an objective mom. Scout: His explsin is impressive. Glenda: It's not just burst. He can pull too. You know, the only reason he went to a Double A school, he was a bit of a late bloomer. He's a big man now. Scout: You should be his agent. Coach: Nice pancake, 7-7! You're moving up those draft boards! Daryl: Thank you, sir! Quarterback: [in a huddle] On one, on one. Ready? All: Break! Quarterback: Blue 90. Hike! [Daryl hikes the ball to the quarterback. He blocks one player, pushing him out of the way.] Coach: Good job! Another Coach: [voice over] Second level, nice! [The action has stopped. Several players haven’t bothered to stand up yet. Daryl grabs No. 42 and tosses him aside.] Daryl: Get off my quarterback! [42 stands up and Daryl head butts him with his helmet on. Another player grabs him by the arm and he tosses the guy away. There’s a lot of shouting and confusion as Daryl starts taking off his helmet.] Coach: [blwing his whistle] Play's over! The play is over! [42 is still on the ground. Glenda stands, watching, as Daryl grabs 42’s facemask and starts pulling him along the ground. 42 manages to get his helmet off. Daryl walks away with the helmet in his hand.] Coach: Save the aggression for between the whistles! Glenda: [quietly, concerned] Daryl. Coach: All right, back to work! [Daryl takes the helmet and smashes himself in the forehead with it, grunting.] Glenda: [coming down the stairs] Daryl. [Daryl continues to ht himself in the head, hard.] Glenda: [yelling] Daryl, stop! [Daryl’s forehead is a bloody mess.] [Opening credits] [Cut to Wilson getting out of bed. He throws the covers off and stands up. House can be heard singing, somewhere in the distance. Wilson looks puzzled then he pushes the bathroom door open. House is in the tub. It’s huge. All that can be seen is his head.] Wilson: What are you doing? House: Canoeing. But I seem to be taking on water. Wilson: This is not okay. Use your own bathroom. House: No canoe in my bathroom. [deep breath] My leg hurts. Soaking it makes it feel better. You were the one who had to have this condo. Maybe next time you should consider amenities, like two full baths, instead of just the joy of outbidding Cuddy. Wilson: The guy who signs the loan gets to pick the bedrooms. Stay out of mine. House: Well then, you owe me 35 bucks for the grab rail I installed. [Cut to Diagnostics. The team is watching the computer. From the grunts and groans, it’s a video of Daryl hitting himself. Foreman’s ignoring it and them. House enters.] House: ht the kll screen. Boss is here. Taub: It's not prn. It's our new patient. House: Bummer. Thirteen: 22-year-old male – 6'7", 310 pounds. Clearly has brain involvement. [looking at the video of Daryl hitting himself] The guy has no recollection of this entire incident. House: Football player. Those are the ones that get ht in the head a lot, right? Chase: ER CT'd him. No concussion, no stroke, no cortical degeneration. Taub: And he had a full psych evaluation. He's not crazy. House: So it's roid rage. You don't think they grow them that big naturally. Foreman: ER also tested for steroids. He's clean. House: Only proving that our guy got his hands on the good stuff. Foreman: The negative test at least means steroids is less likely. We should discuss other possibilities. House: Why? He injects his sore ankles with lidocaine every game. You think he's above injecting steroids? Foreman: Repeated head trauma could damage the base of the brain, leading to a pituitary adenoma, which leaks GnRH. Thirteen: Pituitary damage wouldn't be visible on a CT scan. Chase: Could cause the excess hormones that could cause the rage and would elude the ER Steroid test. House: Fine. Bilateral venous sampling to find the elevated GnRH. MRI to find the pituitary damage. [The team starts to stand.] Unless, of course, there is no pituitary damage, in which case, our guy got his hands on the good stuff. [House blocks Thirteen’s exit. She finally gets around him and heads for the door. Foreman is the last one leaving.] House: Foreman. Let the peasants handle the peasantry. Your brother needs to get picked up this afternoon... from prison. Your older brother, in case your confusion is related – Foreman: How do you know about that? House: He left a message. Said he couldn't get you on your cell or at home. I get it. You're busy. You'll pick him up the next time he comes out of prison. Foreman: Is that all? House: You're officially unbusy. Family is family. Take the rest of the day. Go see your brother. Foreman: I have work to do. [Cut to Daryl’s room. Taub is taking his history. He doesn’t reach Daryl’s shoulder.] Taub: Do you feel any pain that's deep and persistent, not just muscles or joints? Daryl: Everything hurts all the time. That's football. [Daryl sits on the bed. Taub is still shorter than he is.] Taub: It might not be just football. We're gonna test for damage to your pituitary. If there is, it could create excess hormones, which could be causing your pain. It would also explain your rage attck. Daryl: And if my pituitary is damaged, how long would it take to treat? Taub: I don't want to get ahead of ourselves and start promising deadlines. Glenda: I-I'm sorry, doctor, but he's playing in front of pro scouts, coaches, and GMs this Saturday. This is the job interview for the rest of his life. Taub: If we do find something wrong, we can go in through the nose and repair the damage – nothing too invasive. You'll need a couple days of recovery, and then we can have you back by game time. [Daryl and Glenda smile.] Daryl: Thank you, doctor. [Cut to the Clinic. House is examining Jim Dunnagan.] House: There's nothing wrong with your eyes. Jim: Well, then your gizmo's broken. I'm seeing spots. House: Or you enlisted, you got the cool haircut and the awesome pants, then you realized that your plane ticket to the Middle East was coach, and you decided to rethink your promise. Jim: No. I've already been there – three deployments. Now they want me to go again. But my wife's pregnant. House: So our homeland should be unsafe because your private was unsafe. Jim: Look, my wife and I planned this perfect. My enlistment was supposed to be over last week, so we got pregnant six months ago. Now they tell me I'm getting stop-lossed – Army speak for they don't care about the fact that I've already finished my contract. House: I don't care about the fact that they don't care. [going to the door] Jim: Hey, come on. I waited an extra hour just to make sure I got you. House: Why? Jim: I saw you limping out there. Vietnam? House: Viet?!? How old do you think I am? Jim: I don't know, Vietnam age? House: Well, back in my day, the real dodgers had the stones to run up to Canada or sht themselves in the foot. They didn't come to free clinics whining for doctors' notes. Go hug your wife. Tell her to get a babysitter. You'll be back in time to video the kid's first steps. [He leaves.] [Cut to the clinic desk area. Taub is waiting for House, scan in hand.] House: I don't need to see the scan. I can tell from your little puppy-dog eyes that his pituitary's fine. Are you gonna say it, or should I? Taub: [with heartfelt insincerity] You were right about the steroids. You're a genius. House: Next time with feeling. Put the cheater on a somatostatin analog to clear it out of his system. Send him back to his football game. [Cut to Daryl’s room. Taub is injecting his IV port.] Daryl: I've never done steroids. Taub: Well, somehow your GnRH got elevated. This will help get it back down. Daryl: Mom, I swear. Glenda: Who's gonna draft you, Daryl? You're stupid enough to try that stuff, especially the week you know you're getting tested. Daryl: You guys must've mixed up your labs or got somebody else's blood, because I’ve never – [Daryl’s monitor starts beeping rapidly.] Glenda: Okay, what is that? Taub: Tachycardia. Lay back down, Daryl. Daryl: [having trouble breathing] Why's my heart beating like this? Taub: It's not steroids. [yelling for a nurse] I need some adenosine! And get that crash cart over here! Daryl: [holding his chest.] Oh. Oh. [Cut to House’s office. Foreman walks in. House is talking to someone who turns around as Foreman starts to speak.] Foreman: House, next time – Marcus. House: Oh, right. You two know each other. Foreman: What are you doing here? Marcus: Uh, interviewing. House: Oh! Who are we kidding? Interview's over. You got the job. [He reaches out his hand. Marcus takes it and they shake on it.] Foreman: What job? House: My new assistant. Part of his parole – he needs a job. Just trying to do my part. Foreman: You were wrong about the steroids. Patient had a paroxysmal tachycardia. We cardioverted him back to sinus rhythm. We're gonna get an EKG and a sestamibi scan. Marcus... let's talk outside. [Marcus nods slightly and looks at House.] House: Family is family. [He nods for Marcus to go with Foreman.] [Cut to the hallway. Foreman, looking furious, is partway down the hall as Marcus comes out of House’s office. He follows Foreman down the hall, taking both his and Foreman’s parts in the conversation.] Marcus: Hey. Good to see you too. Did you have a hard stretch? No, not bad. I hardly got rped at all. [Foreman turns a corner and Marcus catches up. Foreman pushes him lightly against the wall.] Foreman: You can't work here. Marcus: Well, your boss says I can. Foreman: I'm not playing. Marcus: Lighten up. Man, this could be fun. I get to see your world. You get me access to the pharmacy. [Foreman glares.] I am playing. Come on, man. You look good. I'd already know that if you came to visit every once in a while, but whatever, I get it. It–it's cool. You don't want to see me. You don't want to pick me up. It's all justified. I'll just have to win you back over. Foreman: Let me explain something. This man who's offering you the job – he's not a philanthropist. Marcus: He seems more helpful than you. Foreman: He doesn't want to help you. He only wants to use you to screw with me. Marcus: You know how you can screw with him? Act like your brother getting a job doesn't screw with you. Foreman: Trust me, it'll be better for both of us if you go back in there and tell him you can't take the job. Marcus: I'm not a person who has the luxury of turning down jobs. Foreman: Well, figure something out... 'cause you cannot work here. [Cut to Wilson’s bathroom. He wanders in wearing a t-shirt and PJ bottoms. He grunts slightly as he faces the medicine cabinet and rubs his eyes. He turns toward the tub and jumps.] Wilson: Oh! [There’s a possum in the tub. It hisses.] Wilson: Ho-wah! [The possum hisses] Wilson: House! [The possum hisses] Wilson: [running out of the bathroom] Okay. Oh! Oh! [Cut to Diagnostics. The whole team is there.] Taub: We spent all night, used all the fancy machines. Patient's heart looks fine. House: Well, if it was fine, it wouldn't go aflutter just 'cause you walked into the room. [The door opens. Marcus enters carrying an iced coffee concoction.] Marcus: Light whip, two extra shts. House: Thank you, sir. [to Foreman] Judging by the look on your face, I assume you're upset that big bro didn't take your advice and skip town. Foreman: You told him about our conversation? Marcus: [leaning against the wall] He bought me breakfast. House: It was fun. [to Marcus] Put lunch in the books, just you and me. Foreman: Our patient could have a PFO. House: Well, naturally, you jump right to a urinary issue. Foreman: PFO's not urinary. It's a heart issue. House: It is? Hmm. Well, naturally, you think it's not a urinary issue, 'cause you're so embarrassed about your own past urinary issues, you don't dare broach the subject. [He takes a sip of his drink while Foreman stares at him, silently.] Oh, come on. You spending the night over at Bobby Samson's. Foreman: [sighs] I did not wet the bed. I spilled a drink. [The others, who have been watching them, start smiling.] House: We're not buying it, Eric. We never bought it. Foreman: Why are you telling him these things? Marcus: [laughing] What's the big deal? It was 25 years ago. Foreman: Oxygenated and deoxygenated blood mix, the rough flow causes a clot, explains the heart and head. Marcus: Like that power forward from Loyola Marymount, when he, um... Foreman: Hank Gathers? That's not what happened to him. House: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let your brother speak. What happened to Hank Gathers? Marcus: Conference tournament – Alley-oop dunk, jams it home. Then he runs up the court and splat. He dropped dad of a heart thing right there on the court. Taub: I remember that. On autopsy, they found he had a hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. House: Rage and tachycardia are warning signs. Foreman: [laughing, humorlessly] Seriously? Because my brother remembers a basketball game? House: Hey, I don't care where an idea comes from, as long as it makes sense and embarrasses someone. [The door opens. Wilson comes in, wearing his coat.] Wilson: Are you out of your mind? House: As a former psychiatric patient, I take offense at that terminology. Wilson: All I did was ban you from my tub. Whatever happened to proportional response? House: Whatever happened to coherent conversation? Wilson: That... thing... broke tiles, gashed the walls, and pooped everywhere. Expect a bill for repairs... And payback. [House stares at him, completely confused, as Wilson leaves.] Chase: [conspiratorially] What was that? House: I have no idea. Everybody else thinks hypertrophic cardiomyopathy makes sense? [Foreman opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything.] Good. Stick the patient on a treadmill. Stress his heart until it stops. Thirteen: You want to induce cardiac arrest? House: Only real treatment is for the patient never to stress his heart again, which means we have to tell him to retire at the ripe old age of 21. Stopping his heart speaks louder than words. Go. [Cut to Cuddy’s office.] Cuddy: Maybe it's a good thing. He gave your brother a job, responsibility. Foreman: I'm not arguing that he shouldn't have a job. I just don't want him having one here. Cuddy: I understand that House did this to annoy you. But why is he succeeding? Foreman: [sighs and sits down] you know what my brother did the last time he got out of prison? He stole money from my parents to buy drugs. He robbed a liquor store. Then he moved on to jacking luxury cars – Cuddy: Last time. Foreman: Every time. I've known my brother for over 30 years. You haven't even known him a day. Cuddy: I'm sorry. [Cut to House’s office. Wilson enters.] Wilson: The exterminator charged $250 to get the opossum out of there, and the contractor estimates $1,500 to fix the bathroom. And why are you jerking Foreman around? [Marcus is in the conference room, cleaning off the white board.] House: Because it's fun. Maybe you should give those bills to the guy who left his own bathroom window open. Wilson: Your motives always run deeper than simple fun. House: I want to learn more about one of my employees so that I can manipulate him and destroy him if and when I choose. Information is power. Wilson: Not buying it. House: Okay. Why don't you tell me my real evil plan? Wilson: I don't think there is an evil plan. You regret not having a relationship with your own family, and you don't want to see Foreman go down that same path. I think you're actually… being nice. House: Oh, shut up. You can't accuse me of an opossum attck and underhanded kindness in the same visit. Wilson: Then I'll come back. [The door opens. Chase and Taub enter.] Chase: Treadmill test was a bust. The guy's in unbelievable shape. We couldn't get his heart rate above 150. Wilson: [on his way out] Your boss is secretly a very nice man. [Chase looks puzzled.] Taub: I know. Chase: If we can't re-create the cardiac event, we can't prove hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. House: Either we find a bigger treadmill... or... [grabs his jacket and leaves] [Cut to Daryl’s room. House slides the door open and enters. Daryl is dressed and standing up.] House: Did I miss the memo about you being released? Daryl: I'm feeling fine. I can't keep laying here in this bed missing practices. House: All excellent points. Give me your arm. Glenda: What's in the sht? House: It's a vasodilator. Since we can't exercise your son's heart on the treadmill, I'm gonna have to do it chemically. [Daryl sits on his bed. House takes his hand in preparation for the injection. Daryl’s palms are grayish. House grabs the other hand, which looks the same.] Daryl: What's wrong? House: You're turning white. Glenda: What does that mean? House: It means he doesn't need football to get a good job anymore. [Cut to Diagnostics.] Taub: Raynaud's phenomenon – Vasospasms cut off the blood supply to his fingers. Could be early onset rheumatoid arthritis. Foreman: Rheumatoid factor is negative. Thirteen: Arterial plaque throwing clots would explain the fingers, head, heart. House: You really think a guy with stenosis could've aced that treadmill test? [Foreman sees Marcus and some maintenance guys in House’s office.] Foreman: You're kidding me. You got him a desk? House: [turning to look] And a nameplate. Man's got to have a place he can call his own. Chase: What about Takayasu's arteritis? Foreman: Lymphoma's a better fit. We should remove his spleen. Chase: Bold move to skip straight to surgery. Foreman: His big game's coming up. We don't have time to biopsy, wait for the pathology report, and resect. Chase: Right. We should remove his spleen without confirmation so he won't miss the big game. House: Hang an ethanol drip. Foreman: That won't treat for either lymphoma or Takayasu's. House: If it's lymphoma, the ethanol will make him itchy, and Foreman can remove his spleen. If it's Takayasu's, he'll lose his radial pulse, and Chase can start him on steroids. [The team leaves.] House: [hollers] Marcus! [Cut to the nurses station outside Daryl’s room. Foreman and Thirteen approach Daryl’s room from one direction and see Marcus who is approaching from the other side.] Foreman: What are you doing here? Marcus: My new assignment is to shadow you in enemy territory and document your every word to the patient. [He shows the small recorder he’s holding.] Just don't say anything stupid. [Thirteen shows some tact by going into Daryl’s room.] Foreman: You're not an idiot. Don't do this. Marcus: Come on, man. I'm a new person now – no more drugs, no more lying. And if I can't get my own family to give me an opportunity to prove that, then what's the point? Foreman: Mom and Dad gave you a chance and a second and a third. I'm not about to give you a 54th. [Foreman enters the room. Thirteen looks at Marcus then goes back inside without saying anything. Marcus follows them in, recorder at the ready and closes the door behind him.] [Cut to the cafeteria. House is there, Wilson approaches.] Wilson: Why isn't your minion fetching your lunch? House: He's busy spying on his little brother. [Wilson chuckles.] House: What? Wilson: That's very demeaning. House: You obviously have a theory as to why demeaning is not demeaning. Wilson: You're escalating to prove I was wrong about you being nice, which you would only do if I was right. House: Do you even listen to yourself? Cuddy: [approaching] 23-year-old just came into the E.R., asked for you. House: What's her cup size? Cuddy: I don't think his cup size is relevant to his condition. He accidentally sht himself in the foot. [Cut to the ER. Jim is lying on a bed with his bloody foot on a pillow and his hands tucked behind his head. House shoves the curtain aside with his cane.] House: [exasperated] Oh! Seriously? I give you a choice between moving to Canada and shting yourself in the foot, and you chose the bllet? Jim: I didn't want to be a fugitive. House: You think this is gonna get you discharged? We'll patch it up and send you right back. Jim: Don't patch it up. House: Look… You got screwed over by your own government, and that sucks. But all you're gonna get out of this is a five-day vacation and a band-aid. Jim: When I signed up, I was just a guy. Now I'm about to be a dad. I go back over, there's a chance my kid grows up without a father. House: You got a girl pregnant. You're still just a guy. [He walks away.] [Cut to Daryl’s room. Foreman is sitting by the door, reading “Medicine Today.”] Daryl: How much longer we have to wait? Foreman: We have to keep going until you start feeling something. Daryl: Might help if, uh, you told me what I'm supposed to feel. Foreman: If I do that, that's all you'll be thinking about. Then you'll be telling me that's what you're feeling. Power of suggestion. Daryl: The other black dude who was in here earlier, he your brother? Foreman: What gave it away? Daryl: The way you looked at him. I have two older brothers, and we always want to kll each other. [Foreman chuckles.] Daryl: Oh. Mm. Foreman: Something wrong? Daryl: Not really. It just feels itchy. [He starts scratching. Foreman gets up and comes to the bed.] Is that what you're waiting for? Foreman: Means lymphoma's most likely, but that's actually good news. Daryl: How could that be good news? Foreman: Because it's treatable. We can remove your spleen tonight laparoscopically. Daryl: Will I be able to run by Saturday? Foreman: We can get to the radiation in the off-season. Daryl: [laughing] Hey, Ma. Wake up, Ma. Wake up. I'm itchy. Means I can play. [Glenda, who was sleeping on the couch with a coat for a blanket, smiles.] [Cut to the apartment. House is reading a magazine that looks like Anime. He rubs his leg. He drops the magazine and holds his thigh with both hands.] [Cut to House lowering himself into Wilson’s tub.] House: Ahh. [Cut to House singing, wordlessly while soaping himself up and scrubbing his back with a brush.] [Cut to him soaking with his head back and eyes closed. He opens his eyes and starts to get out of the tub. He grabs the edge of the tub with his right hand and the grab bar with his left. Just as he’s about to stand, the grab bar pulls free from the wall and he falls back in the tub. His left hand, still holding the grab bar, follows. He sits up and looks around. There is blood on the left side of his face and a large cut on his cheekbone.] [Cut to the living room. House is stretched out on the ugly, orange sofa. He’s holding the grab bar and swinging it a bit. The front door opens. House lowers the bar so it is out of sight. Wilson walks in and does a huge double take when he sees House lying there.] Wilson: Oh. [exhales] What are you doing in the dark? House: Lying in wait. [He turns on the torchiere by his head.] Wilson: Jeez. What happened to your face? House: Right... Play innocent. Like you weren't looking for revenge for the prank that I didn't pull. Wilson: It's karmic justice, but I didn't do it. House: Of course you realize, this means wr. [He gets up, still holding the grab bar, and leaves.] [Cut to the OR. Chase has two leads in his hands and he’s watching on a computer monitor.] Chase: Isolating the gastroepiploic artery. [pause] Nearly there. [pause] Foreman, come and take a look at this. Foreman: [looking at the monitor] Liver's inflamed. So the itching wasn't caused by his spleen. Chase: It's not lymphoma. [Cut to Diagnostics. House enters. The others are at the table.] Thirteen: What happened to your face? House: Wilson annexed the Sudetenland. [House drops his backpack on a chair. In the office, Marcus picks up House’s iced coffee and comes in.] Foreman: No abnormal "T" cells or "B" cells. It's definitely not lymphoma. Liver biopsy only revealed nonspecific inflammation. House: [hanging up his coat and taking the drink from Marcus] Kind of like the time you took your mom's birth control pills on a dare and ended up with swollen nipples. Foreman: That never happened. House: Right, and your nickname all the way up through high school wasn't Erica. Foreman: It wasn't. [Thirteen and Taub are watching like it’s a tennis match, turning their heads in unison toward House and Foreman as they speak. They look at House for his return volley.] Marcus: Okay, I may have made that one up, with the understanding that my brother still had a sense of humor and would figure out to play along. Foreman: [not smiling] Polymyositis would explain the head, liver, heart, even the white fingers. [House gives Marcus his backpack, which he takes into the office.] House: It would also be accompanied by a significant decrease in muscle power. Marcus! A chance to redeem yourself. Does our patient look strong to you? [Marcus shrugs.] Sorry, Eric. Big brother disagrees with your diagnosis. Chase: Felty syndrome? House: You said the liver was inflamed, not the spleen. Can you believe they let this guy perform surgery? [Taub raises his hand.] House: What are you doing? Taub: Requesting permission to share my idea without being belittled in front of your new assistant. House: Permission denied. Continue. Taub: [sighs] Our patient has cartilage damage in both ankles. He gets lidocaine shts before every game to mask the pain. Team doctor uses the same needle twice by accident, viral hepatitis. House: D’you think he's an idiot, Marcus? Marcus: I don't think he's an idiot. House: Okay. Go test his blood. [The team packs up to leave. House turns to Marcus.] Come on. We have a lunch scheduled. [Cut to the cafeteria. Marcus sits in a booth opposite House.] House: So, you jerked me around. Your allegiance lies with your brother. I get it. Admirable. But here's the problem. I hired you to tell me the truth. If you don't do that, you no longer have a job. Marcus: I don't know what secret you're looking to uncover, but my brother is a decent guy. House: He was arrested for grand theft auto. Marcus: You're gonna be disappointed. House: Try me. Marcus: He tell you I was with him? House: Was it your idea? Marcus: We did everything together. I don't know whose idea it was. I was 16. He was only 14. Little punk couldn't even see over the steering wheel. He's quicker with a flathead screwdriver than most people with a key. [They both look up as Foreman approaches.] Foreman: Sorry to interrupt my character assassination with boring medical stuff, but when we drew the patient's blood, it clotted right there in the vacutainer. House: So the problem is not in his blood, it's the blood itself. Foreman: He's been working out in the cold doing two-a-days. It's got to be cryoglobulinemia. House: I usually love breaking bad news. But in this case... start the patient on warfarin. [to Marcus, loudly as Foreman leaves, causing him to turn around and look] I'm so sorry about that. You were saying... Marcus: We drove for about ten minutes before we got caught, and that was it. When our mom came down to the station, she didn't say a word the whole ride home. She came up to the driveway, turned off the car. We're sitting in there in silence. Then without turning around, she said, "I'll pray for you." And she got out of the car. House: [listening intently] Wow. You got off easy. Marcus: Easy for you, easy for me, not easy for Eric. His life mission became to never disappoint our mother like that again, because he is a good guy. I thought he would tell that story at the eulogy. But I heard he didn't give one. House: Y–your mother's dad? Marcus: If he didn't tell you, I'm sure he had a reason. Look, you can mock him all you want about peeing in the bed, but... please... don't bring up our mother. [House thinks.] [Cut to Daryl’s room. Foreman is sitting next to the bed. Glenda stands on the other side.] Foreman: Your blood contains an abnormally high volume of certain proteins called cryoglobulins. They become thick when it gets cold outside. It's like a car trying to run after the oil's turned to sludge. We think that's what's been causing all your problems. Daryl: So I just need a quick oil change and I'm good to go. Foreman: This oil change isn't so quick. We have to put you on blood thinners and other medications. The process will take two to three weeks. But after that, you should be able to play without a problem. Daryl: After that, it's not gonna matter. Glenda: Doctor, if Daryl doesn't play in front of the scouts on Saturday, he won't get drafted. Can't you wait until after the game? Foreman: If we wait and let him play, there's a good chance he dies right on the field. [Glenda nods. She comforts Daryl while Foreman changes the IV.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. He’s working. How opens the door and enters.] House: I had an epiphany. Wilson: Usually that precedes you walking away with purpose, so... House: [closes the door] Flathead screwdriver. Wilson: And then I say...? House: It's not a game. It's proof that you didn't rig the grab rail and make me fall. Wilson: I already have proof of that – The fact that I didn't do it. House: I can't go on that. But I can go on the fact that I had to borrow a flathead screwdriver from Nora to install the thing, 'cause we only had a Phillips-head. And then, of course, I returned it late that night in a completely successful effort to see her braless... Wilson: Whoa. Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. House: Which means that you didn't have the tool to sabotage the grab rail. Wilson: Braless under, like, a sweater or, like, a – like, a – House: Now I also have proof that I'm not responsible for the opossum, because I'm absolving you of responsibility instead of escalating, which you know is not my nature. Wilson: So someone is breaking into our place just to screw with us? House: [ominously] The opossum... was meant for me. [Cut to the apartment. It’s dark and there’s no one there. But Wilson is speaking.] Wilson: I'm so tired. It was exciting till about 2:00 A.M. Now it's just trture. House: Did you even go to college? [They’re sitting on the floor behind the kitchen island. House is holding a cricket bat, Wilson a flashlight.] Wilson: This is the escalation, isn't it? Keeping me up all night, nothing happens, then you keep me up all night again tomorrow. This is your retaliation. House: You see, that's just illogical, 'cause I'm staying up too. Wilson: Maybe you napped all day. House: I gave you empirical proof that I did not prank you. Wilson: No. No, you did not. You created empirical proof that I didn't prank you, selling me on the notion that you didn't prank me. Maybe you self-pranked. House: I don't master-prank. Wilson: Is that cut on your cheek even real? House: See, this is exactly what our nemesis wants – divide and conquer. Can't you see that? Wilson: [getting up] Okay. I'm going to bed. [He puts the flashlight on the counter and starts down the hall.] House: I'm telling you, if you sleep now, you're gonna wake up next to severed horse heads. Or worse, the rest of it. [Wilson turns into his bedroom and the fre alarm immediately beeps. The sprinklers turn on. This isn’t a gentle little sprinkle. It’s a deluge. Wilson comes running out.] Wilson: Oh! House! [running back into the living room] The flat screen! [Wilson grabs two little dishtowels from the kitchen island and tries to pat the television dry. House stands in the downpour.] Wilson: Ah. Ah. [He gives up and looks at House.] You would never sacrifice the flat screen. House: [smiling] Oh, this guy is good. [Cut to the office. Cuddy is at the table, drumming her fingers. Taub and Foreman are in their usual seats. Thirteen is standing against the bookshelves and Chase is slumped in a chair by House’s office. They all look bored.] Cuddy: [sighs] is there a reason for this? [Bally bounces into the room. Cuddy leans over and scoops it up. House, speaking in an exaggerated French accent can be heard before he is seen entering from his office.] House: Zer is a reason for everything, mes amis. I am tro-bled to report that we have a criminal in our midst. Taub: Guilty of what exactly? Wilson: [leaning against the kitchen area] Last night, the fre sprinklers flooded our apartment. And before that, I found an opossum in my bathtub. House: [still “French”] You each had motive. You each had opportunity. Cuddy: This is the emergency you paged me about? [She clears her throat and stands up.] House: Not so fast, Mademoiselle Cuddy. No one leaves here until they can account for their whereabouts on the evening last. Cuddy: [plopping bally on his chest] Bye. House: [normal voice] Okay, no one who is employed by me leaves here until they account for their whereabouts the evening last. What about you, Professor Chase? [Chase is at House’s desk. House tosses bally to him and he catches it.] Chase: Why would I? House: Because you hold me responsible for breaking up your marriage. Chase: I was here all night with Thirteen, monitoring our patient's IV blood thinners. [He tosses bally back to House.] House: Can either of you prove that? Thirteen: The patient's alive and improving. Is that proof enough? House: For now. What about you, Colonel Taub? Taub: I was out to dinner with my wife. House: Really? Your wife. Taub: Yes, really. House: Good enough. [to Foreman who is smirking] 'Cause I had you pegged all along. You certainly had all the motive in the world. Foreman: First of all, I'm not interested. Second, I don't even know where you guys live. House: Yesterday I confirmed that you are a liar. Foreman: What are you talking about? House: Well, at least a liar by omission. Marcus: House! [House turns to look at him.] Don't. House: Get this, class. Foreman's mom died. He ever tell any of you? Wilson: House, I think you're getting off topic here. Thirteen: Is he serious? Did your mom pass away? Foreman: About three months ago. Thirteen: I'm so sorry. Taub: Why didn't you tell anybody? House: And to top it off, you refused to say anything nice about her at the funeral. Foreman: I didn't talk because it isn't anyone's business. Marcus: [jumping up] Stop. You don't have to explain yourself to this guy. House: You want to ht me, don't you? Foreman: Marcus, don't. Marcus: I quit. [He takes his jacket and leaves.] Thirteen: [to Foreman] You should stop him. He needs this job. Foreman: Our patient needs a fresh IV [leaves] [Cut to Daryl’s room. He’s dressed and Glenda is standing at the foot of the bed.] Daryl: I don't need two or three weeks. See? Got my color back. [He shows Foreman his hand.] Foreman: That means you're getting better. But it doesn't mean – Daryl: It means I am better. My coach had the team doctor come by. He cleared me to play. Foreman: Did your team doctor realize you're on blood thinners? Daryl: [pulling out the IV] I'm off them now. Foreman: You're still sick. You're not ready to go off your meds. Glenda: Daryl, listen to him. It is not worth the risk. Daryl: I'll come back on Sunday, Mom. You guys can give me all the meds I need then. [He stands up and picks up his bag. Foreman, standing in front of him, reaches his shoulder.] Foreman: The treatment doesn't work that way. [Daryl stands there. Foreman steps aside.] Glenda: Please go with him. [Cut to Jim’s room. House is unwrapping the bandage from his foot. It’s still bloody and the little toe is black. Jim grunts in pain.] House: Antibiotics aren't working. We're gonna switch you to different ones, but you're gonna lose your toe. Jim: [laughing] Outstanding, soldier. House: As a general rule, before you celebrate, do a little research. The army's medical evaluation board is perfectly fine with nine-toed infantrymen, as long as they can walk and run. Jim: So I lost a toe for nothing? Hose: Afraid so. Unless you want me to keep you on the old antibiotics, let the infection spread, and we could amputate more than just a toe. [Jim sinks back against his pillows with a sigh.] [Cut to the tunnel leading from the dressing rooms to the stadium. Daryl is in uniform. Foreman is walking behind him.] Foreman: Why are you risking your life for this? Your mom doesn't want you to. Daryl: My mom sacrificed everything for me. Her telling me not to come here is just another example of that. I do good out there, I could take care of her for the rest of her life. Who am I if I don't sacrifice for her? That's family. [He walks away, leaving Foreman to think about what he said. Near the end of the tunnel, Daryl slows down then gets down on one knee.] Foreman: You okay? Daryl: Everything's blurry. [Foreman comes up to him.] I can't see. Take me back to the hospital. [Cut to the conference room. Foreman is on speakerphone.] Taub: The blindness means we were wrong about his – Foreman: Actually, I'm responsible for that. [He’s walking down a street, looking for an address he has on a piece of paper.] Spiked his water bottle with nitrates, dropped his blood pressure, robbed oxygen-rich blood from his brain, making him blind. Figured a temporarily blind patient is better than a permanently dad one. Vision was already coming back by the time I dropped him off at the hospital. House: Well played. If only we could combine your medical chicanery with your brother's ability to fetch me mochas, you'd be the perfect Foreman. Where are you? Foreman: I'm busy. [He hangs up.] Taub: Great. So we don't have a new symptom. Chase: Means we should just stick him back on his blood thinners, and he should be okay to leave in a couple weeks. House: Actually, we do have a new symptom. Any of you take a look at his readmittance chart? Between the time he checked in and the time he rechecked in, our patient lost a single pound. Patient like that would usually shed over ten pounds. Taub: The obvious answer would be steroids, but since we've already ruled them out... Chase: So he's not injecting. But he could be getting them naturally – Paraneoplastic syndrome. The body produces antibodies, which battle cancer, which could also act like growth hormone. House: We've eliminated lymphoma. What other cancers mimic growth hormone? Taub: Lung, pancreatic, renal, breast – House: It was a rhetorical question. I don't really care. Go test him for all of them. [They leave.] [Cut to a dingy hallway. Foreman knocks on a door. Marcus opens the door.] Marcus: What are you doing here? Foreman: You need a job. Maybe I can talk to House, see if I can get your job back. Marcus: Soon as he knows you're okay with me being there, he won't want me back. Foreman: Maybe I can help you figure out something else. Marcus: I promise... I won't let you down. Foreman: Don't do that. Let's just... See how it goes. [Marcus nods slightly.] So, uh, do they mandate you to stay here at the halfway house? Or… can you come stay with family? [Near tears, Marcus steps forward and hugs Foreman who hugs back.] [Cut to the cafeteria. Wilson and House are walking to the tables carrying full trays.] House: It's Foreman. Wilson: Well, it should stop now that Marcus left. House: Well, that's the whole point – [He trips. His tray goes flying and he lands stretched out on the floor. He shifts onto his side and looks behind him. A man who was reading a newspaper at a table they passed turns around. It’s Lucas.] Lucas: Oh, I'm sorry. Was my leg sticking out? I'm so distracted lately, trying to think of something funnier than fre sprinklers going off in the middle of the night. Any ideas? [House stands up and holds his cane like it’s a club.] Lucas: Whoa, easy there, tiger. I know where you live. You know how I know? [fake laughing] 'Cause my girlfriend and I – we tried to buy that very same condo. House: Why don't you leave me out of this? Wilson was the one who bought the place. Lucas: And you're living there. You... deserve to suffer equally. House: Actually, I suffered more now that you just tripped me. Wilson: Hey, hey, I-I-I'm – Lucas: His suffering will equal out, 'cause he actually feels remorse. House: Why would you out yourself? You can't even imagine the retribution. Lucas: [standing] Oh, there won't be any. I am ceasing all offensive operations. I have both made my point and established my superiority. And if you even get to the planning stages of retaliation, I will tell Cuddy that she lost her dream place to you two. See, she's under this odd impression that you guys are her friends. [House and Wilson look, if not guilty, uncomfortable. Lucas leaves.] [Cut to the hall. House, limping more than usual, walks to the lab. The whole team is in there.] Chase: There's no cancer. We scanned him head to toe. We checked blood smears for leukemia. We even ultrasounded his chest looking for breast cancer. House: Maybe I was wrong about the weight loss. Taub: You weren't wrong – we found blood in his catheter bag. His kidneys are failing. Thirteen: So it has to be cancer. Paraneoplastic syndrome is the only thing that can link kidney, heart, and liver – even the rage. Foreman: Why can't we find it? We've looked everywhere inside this guy. House: What if it's not inside? [Cut to Daryl’s room. He’s watching the game on TV.] House: You know why you're black? Daryl: 'Cause God loves me more than he loves you? House: Hmm. What I was going for was melanin. You got lots of it. [He starts inspecting the palms of Daryl’s hands.] It makes your skin dark, protects you from the sun's harmful UV rays. Daryl: What are you doing? House: Unfortunately, it also prevents even those with advanced medical degrees from considering melanoma as a diagnosis. Other hand. [He examines Daryl’s left hand.] On the rare occasion that black people do get skin cancer, they usually get it on the white parts – palms and soles of the feet. [He pulls the blanket aside and starts checking Daryl’s feet.] But your hands and feet are so smashed up from football, my team are likely to have written off any skin blemish as a bruise. But now that I know that melanoma is the only thing that fits... Come take a look at this, Mom. [There’s a freckle between two of Daryl’s toes.] There's the thorn in the panther's paw. Paraneoplastic syndrome. Your body forms antibodies to fight the tumor. [CGI of the antibodies traveling through Daryl’s body.] Those tiny little proteins travel through your blood and wreak havoc. We remove the cancerous mole, everything should be fine. I'll tell Dr. Chase to schedule the surgery. Daryl: Why bother? I missed my sht. What kind of life am I gonna lead now? House: Did you study really, really hard? [Daryl gives him a “look.”] Then the same crappy life that the rest of the guys you'll be graduating with are gonna lead... minus the student loans. [He leaves. Glenda smiles at Daryl.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. Lucas enters. She’s at her desk doing paperwork.] Lucas: Hey. You ready? Cuddy: Almost. [She puts a check on a page.] And… done. [packing up] I heard House and Wilson are getting pranked by someone. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Lucas: No. Cuddy: Why should I believe you? Lucas: You said I had a trusting face. I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me retaliate, though. They stole your dream. Cuddy: Well, that's overstating it. It's just a condo. Lucas: It's not because you feel guilty about hurting House or guilty for being with me? Cuddy: We'll buy another one. I just don't see the need to make a wr out of it. Lucas: Well, I think you're rationalizing, which a less confident man than myself might take as a sign that you're second-guessing. [She kisses him.] Okay, you know what? Forget that last part. [Cut to a nurses’ station. House is checking a chart. Wilson approaches.] Wilson: I heard Foreman and his brother are trying to work things out. House: That's nice for them. Wilson: It's nice of you. You didn't provoke Marcus to quit so the pranks would stop. You were becoming the common enemy they could bond over. You are the diabolical, yet benevolent puppet master. House: I provoked Marcus to quit because he was no longer useful to me. I hired him to get information. I got information. Wilson: Uh-huh. And how are we gonna get back at Lucas? House: We're not. Wilson: [smiling] I win. [leaves] [House sees Jim being wheeled out of his room. There is gauze over the stump where his foot used to be. House stares as he watches him leave.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x13 - Moving the Chains"}	foreverdreaming
[The scene opens on an alarm clock that says 4:59. It changes to 5:00 and begins to beep. A hand reaches from the darkness and fumbles to turn off the alarm. Soft, peaceful music plays as the camera pulls slowly back to reveal a copy of Ines of my Soul by Isabel Allende lying on the night table and Lisa Cuddy waking up to a new day. She rolls over and feels the pillow next to her, discovering that the bed is empty. Lucas is not there. The music changes to the very fast-paced Break up the Concrete by the Pretenders, which will continue throughout the opening scenes of Cuddy preparing for her workday] ♪ there was a red brick road where I grew up on ♪ ♪ and a pretty stone wall around a fragrant lawn ♪ ♪ fish in the pond that sparkled in the dawn ♪ ♪ but it ain't no more ♪ ♪ it's all gone gone gone ♪ ♪ whoa ♪ ♪ ram it cram it grand slam it ♪ ♪ break up the concrete ♪ ♪ prod it sod it metal-rod it ♪ ♪ break up the concrete ♪ ♪ deg-deg-deg-deg ♪ [Cuddy picks up her cell phone to check for messages and then gets out of bed. She is in the middle of her yoga routine when she hears Rachel crying on the baby monitor. She goes to the nursery, takes the fussy baby out of her crib and looks at the nursery clock, which says 5:45. She uses a ball syringe to clear Rachel’s stuffy nose and then takes her temperature. Still needing to shower, she places the naked, crying baby on the floor of the large shower stall with some toys while she showers. Wiping the steam from the shower wall, she sees that it is now 6:25. Out of the shower, she texts something on her phone, dresses Rachel, and attempts to calm her by giving her the phone to play with. The sick baby is not appeased by either the phone nor the toys in her playpen. Cuddy dries her hair and gets dressed, all while trying to comfort the baby. It is now 6:50. The nanny arrives and takes over Rachel’s care, allowing Cuddy to put on her makeup and take care of some phone messages. At 7:30 Cuddy is packing her briefcase, when Lucas walks in the door. The nanny has Rachel in her highchair and is feeding her breakfast] ♪ break up the concrete ♪ Lucas: Hey. Slow down, sister. Cuddy: (putting on her coat) Actually, I need to speed up. Rachel woke up early with a fever and she's been terrorizing me all morning. (buttoning her coat) I'm already late. Lucas: Sorry, stakeout went longer than I thought. Have you ever been to a rave? Cuddy: (reaching for her briefcase) Bye. Lucas: (stopping Cuddy and backing her up against the wall) You're already late and Rachel's sick. Neither of which can be solved by you leaving right this second. Cuddy: The entire hospital is depending on a proposal I've yet to finish, and need to present at 8:30. Lucas: (pulling off her scarf) It's 7:30. Cuddy: It's 7:37. Lucas: I'll have you on the road in ten minutes. Come on, you don't want to go into your meeting all tight and stressed out, do you? (Cuddy smiles) [Break up the Concrete by the Pretenders resumes and the scene shifts to Cuddy and Lucas, both still dressed, having sex in the bedroom. Cuddy’s cell phone rings] Lucas: That's yours. (picking up the phone) It's House. Cuddy: Ignore it. Lucas: It says "emergency page." Cuddy: I said ignore it. Lucas: Sweet. [The clock now says 7:44] ♪ break up the concrete ♪ ♪ break up the concrete ♪ ♪ break up the concrete ♪ ♪ deg-deg-deg-deg ♪ ♪ dega-dega-dega-dega ♪ [Cut to the clock, which now says 7:46. Cuddy and Lucas are lying side by side on the bed, both panting] Lucas: I'm sorry. It's hard to pace yourself when you've been thinking about it for ten hours straight. Cuddy: That's great. Now I'm late, stressed out, and frustrated. Lucas: Sorry. If you give me a minute, I can – Cuddy: It'll wait. (she gets off the bed and looks at herself in the mirror) You can do it. Lucas: Do what? [Cuddy sighs] ♪ break up the concrete ♪ ♪ break up the concrete ♪ ♪ break up the concrete ♪ OPENING CREDITS [Cut to Cuddy walking through the front doors of PPTH. Nurse Regina is standing at the main desk] Nurse Regina: I thought you were coming in at 7:30. Cuddy: Rachel woke up with a fever and then I...Just couldn't get here any sooner. Nurse Regina: There's a problem in the pharmacy. House: (approaching from behind) Hey, boss lady! You don't answer emergency pages anymore? Cuddy: (to Regina) Tell them all I'll be by as soon as I can and tell him (nodding back in House’s direction) I assumed it was either about the wolf again or the procedure I refused to approve yesterday. House: (following Cuddy toward her office) Turned out it wasn't a resistant staph, but I still say that if it had been, infecting him with malaria – Cuddy: (turning to face House) Seriously, House, I don't have time for this. (She continues toward her office) House: (still following) You're lying. Cuddy: I have a meeting in 20 minutes. House: Not talking about your meeting. I'm talking about the phone call. Cuddy: (entering her office) I didn't ask what you were talking about, because I don't care. House: (catching the door with his cane and following her into the office) I was with your boytoy on a stakeout last night. Cuddy: (hanging up her coat) You were with Lucas? House: He needed someone who could diagnose a soft tissue injury from across the street. Apparently he doesn't know any good doctors. Cuddy: (unpacking her briefcase) Or the ones he does know actually have lives outside of work. House: Things got a little slow, so we made some wagers. One being whether I could get you to stop the miscegenation with an emergency page. Cuddy: What made you think we'd – House: He said you guys do it every morning. Cuddy: Everybody lies. Remember? House: So you weren't actually – Cuddy: Good-bye, House. House: I'm gonna need a definitive answer before any money changes hands. [Nurse Regina enters the office] Nurse Regina: Sorry to interrupt, but the GRC called about the budgets, the pharmacy is still waiting, and your 8:30 just arrived on campus. He should be here in ten minutes. Cuddy: Figured this would be the one day he comes early. (handing Regina some papers) Can you proofread this for me? Nurse Regina: When are you gonna find your own assistant? Cuddy: Not today. Thank you. I'll be back in five. [Cuddy hurries out of her office and meets up with Claudia in the lobby] Claudia: (walking along with Cuddy toward the elevator) Dr. Cuddy. Cuddy: I know we're usually fine with two CS reps, but I want a few extra hands today just in case. And have IT recheck the network. I don't want to hear later that the new lines can only dial out or the computer crashed. Claudia: What's going on? Cuddy: (stepping into the elevator) Hopefully nothing. Just make sure you're ready if people start calling. [Cut to the pharmacy. The clock on the wall reads 8:38. Cuddy enters] Cuddy: You wanted to see me? Oscar: Hey, Dr. Cuddy. Yeah, uh, I wanted to let you know there's a problem with one of the orders that came in last night. Cuddy: Which is? Oscar: They sent double the amount of meds we ordered. Cuddy: Did you call and ask why? Oscar: Yeah. They insist it's not a mistake. Cuddy: So fax them the original PO. Oscar: Yeah, that's what I was planning on doing, but, um... I can't find it. Actually, I can't find any of them. Cuddy: Oscar, I don't have time to straighten out your paperwork. Where's Stan? Oscar: He doesn't get in till 9:00 and it's actually not my paperwork. It's Gail's paperwork, and she's out sick today. Cuddy: So put it on her desk and let her figure it out when she comes back. Oscar: All right, but it's not my problem if – Cuddy: Oscar, not today, okay? (she pauses) Was it the whole shipment or just one med? Oscar: It's just one. Cuddy: Vicodin? Oscar: No, 25 milligram ephedrine tablets. [Cuddy pauses, thinking, then looks like she has figured out the problem] Oscar: What? Cuddy: Call Gail. Tell her I want to see her in my office ASAP. Oscar: But she's sick. Cuddy: This place is full of sick people. Just get her in here. Nurse Regina: (entering the room) Dr. Cuddy, your 8:30 is waiting in your office. Cuddy: (looking back at Oscar) Now. [Cuddy’s cell phone rings] Cuddy: Oh, I got to make a quick trip upstairs. (to Regina) Can you get the guy in my office a cup of coffee? I'll be right back. (as she leaves the room) I've gotten you coffee before. [Cut to an OR observation room. Dr. Hourani is down below in the OR] Cuddy: (pushing the intercom button) What's wrong? Hourani: It's freezing in here. I can hardly feel my fingers. Cuddy: Please tell me you didn't send a 911 page to tell me the heater's broken. Hourani: It's not broken. House bribed the physical plant to turn on the AC so I'd hurry up. Cuddy: So hurry up. Hourani: This man's abdomen is wide open. His core temp is down to 95. Cuddy: Fine. I will deal with it. Hourani: You better or I'm gonna file – [Hourani looks up to find that Cuddy is gone] [Cut to Cuddy talking on her phone while rushing down a hospital corridor] Cuddy: (talking into her phone) I don't care what he told you. Turn it back up now. [House, who is standing in the hallway, intercepts Cuddy and walks with her down the hallway] House: Thought you had an important meeting. Cuddy: You're an idiot. What are you gonna do the next time one of your patients needs a liver transplant? House: Go talk to Wilson about something completely unrelated and see what happens. Mystery infection guy is now covered in boils and has an abscess big enough to put your fist in. He needs to get into an OR tout suite. Cuddy: (stopping at the elevator) Hourani will be done soon. House: Good. I'll have some hot chocolate waiting. (House walks away) [The elevator bell dings and Cuddy’s cell phone rings. She answers it as she gets into the elevator] Cuddy: Marina, hey. How's she doing? She vomited? Give her some more ibuprofen and put her in the bath for a bit. And call me in a half an hour if it doesn't go down. (Her cell phone beeps) Sorry, Marina. I have another call. Just call me in a half an hour either way. Cuddy: (answering the other call) Hey. What's up? Tell him I'm halfway there. He's the one who insisted on the early meeting. I – all right, I'm coming. [Cut to Cuddy taking a file from the clinic desk and heading into her office] Cuddy: Morning Eli. Sorry about the wait. Eli: (who is sitting in front of Cuddy’s desk) Oh, it's all right. I hear you got a sick kid. Yeah, I know what that's like. Or, I should say my wife does. Cuddy: (sitting down behind her desk) So you guys ready to give some ground so we can make this deal? Eli: Why would we do that? Cuddy: We've been going at this for eight months. Eli: Soon as you decide to get reasonable. Cuddy: I'm the one that's unreasonable? You've taken weeks to respond to every proposal I've presented. Eli: Atlanticnet Insurance is the largest healthcare provider in New Jersey, and you're not the only hospital whose contracts are up. So is your team ready to come back to the table? Cuddy: Yeah. We're not going to. (handing him a file) This is our final offer. We're willing to go with a capitated structure, but we need at least 12% increase in reimbursements across the board. Eli: Well, the good news is I can give you a quick response. (rising and handing her the file) Not a chance. But as always, nice talking to you. Say hi to your sister for me. Cuddy: If you don't accept the offer, we're gonna terminate the contract. Eli: Gonna be hard to keep this place open if all your patients have to pay cash. Princeton Plainsboro is the smallest hospital in our entire network. Cuddy: We're also the best. Eli: Doesn't matter. We are responsible for covering 13 million people. We don't have enough cash to buy them all Maseratis. Cuddy: I know what you paid Bergen, Newark Beth Israel, Robert Wood Johnson – Eli: 'Cause they have leverage. You can be expensive or small, but you can't be both. Cuddy: I've engaged Jones/Curtin to handle the PR, and I'm prepared to make the announcement at 3:00 p.m. today. Eli: First lesson every good poker player learns is don't get emotional. You don't have the cards. And the sooner you realize that, the sooner a reasonable contract will get signed. Cuddy: You have until 3:00 p.m. to change your mind. Eli: I always did like your style. Gonna be sad to see you go. [Eli leaves and Cuddy sits there wondering whether or not she just made a mistake. [Cut to Cuddy typing on her laptop. Regina enters] Nurse Regina: They're waiting for you in the conference room. Cuddy: (getting up) Thanks. (handing Regina a file which was sitting on the corner of her desk) Uh, take this up to the call center and tell Claudia to give one to each CS rep and to start going over the answers to each question. Nurse Regina: (taking the file) Okay. Cuddy: And under no circumstances is any of this info to go outside that room. The scripts are numbered and I want a list of every person she gives one to. Nurse Regina: Got it. Anything else? Cuddy: No. [As she leaves her office, she runs into House, who appears to be waiting for her at the clinic desk. He follows her to the elevator] House: If you really wanted to make a deal, you should have ditched the push-up and gone with a demi. Nothing makes a guy wanna close like high beams. Cuddy: What have you heard? House: Your meeting with the weasel lasted less than five minutes, which means you either agreed to a completely sensible 30-day extension or one of you issued a completely ridiculous ultimatum. [Cuddy stops in front of the elevator, pushes the button and turns to look at him, confirming his suspicions] House: (with a childish look on his face) Oh, goody. You or him? Cuddy: Me. House: Way to go, boss. Cuddy: You said it was ridiculous. House: Ridiculous to make, fun to watch. As long as it's not just a bluff. Please tell me it's not a bluff. Cuddy: It is not a bluff, and it is not ridiculous. Just because we're not some huge – [The elevator arrives. Taub and Thirteen get out, and Cuddy gets in] Taub: (to House) Mr. Pluta started hallucinating before we could put him under. Thirteen: His BP is plummeting. He has an elevated heart rate. Looks like congestive heart failure. House: Interesting. Cuddy: (pushing the elevator door open) I don't care how interesting it is. You are not infecting him with malaria. Taub: Since when is malaria a cure for heart failure? House: It's not. It's not congestive heart failure. It's gotta be... [The elevator door closes] [Cut to Cuddy approaching Dr. Thomas in the hallway] Dr. Thomas: Just got off the phone with Hourani. Cuddy: I'm sorry, Dave. I don't really have time right now – Dr. Thomas: Think I had time to listen to him go for 20 minutes about the damn temperature in the OR? Cuddy: I took care of it. Dr. Thomas: It's not an "it." It's a "him" you need to take care of. You got the entire staff catering to House's every whim, and I can't get approval to hire a replacement for the surgeon he stole from my department? A doctor I only took on in the first place because of pressure from you? Cuddy: So you didn't want Chase, but now you're pissed you can't have him? Dr. Thomas: You want to convene a search committee and start looking for a new chief of surgery? Cuddy: No, Dave. Dr. Thomas: Then you better stop spending all your time putting out his fires and start doing your damn job. [Cuddy looks exasperated] [Cuddy enters the boardroom. The hospital board are all assembled around a large table] Dr. Simpson: There a problem with Dr. Thomas? Cuddy: No, just refereeing a dispute about the OR. So, we don't yet have a contract with Atlanticnet. Sanford: We gave you an extra week and you assured us you'd have a deal by today. Cuddy: We could have a deal, just not the deal we deserve. Female Board Member: So what do you want, approval for an extension? Cuddy: We've been at this for eight months. An extension isn't gonna change anything. Sanford: So what’s your plan? Cuddy: I presented a final offer. I told them that we would agree to a capitated structure if they increase reimbursements by 12%. Female Board Member: A final offer? What does that mean? Cuddy: If they don't accept it by 3:00, we're gonna terminate. Dr. Simpson: Are you out of your mind? If we don't accept Atlanticnet insurance, we'll lose 80% of our patients. We'd be lucky to last three months. Cuddy: We're not asking for anything they can't afford. Sanford: Their last offer was a 4% increase and you're demanding 12? Cuddy: They're paying even more at some places. Units that have lower ratings than ours. Sanford: In a perfect world, that would definitely matter. Cuddy: Sanford, they're all about growth, and they know they don't get new customers by marketing themselves as the biggest. They do it by claiming they're the best, and they can't do that if their patients can't come to us. Sanford: What was (Eli) Morgan's reaction when you told him? Cuddy: He didn't give in, but he will. I told him I'd make the announcement at 3:00. He'll call back before then. (long pause) They need us. Dr. Simpson: No, we need them. Sanford: We need each other. (The board members look at each other) The negotiation is your responsibility, so we can't stop you if this is what you want to do. But just so we're clear, if we don't have a contract with Atlanticnet, you're not gonna have a contract with us. [Cuddy tries to look confident as the camera pans to the boardroom clock, which reads 9:45] [Cut to Cuddy approaching the elevator. She smiles at the people who are stepping out, but when the elevator door closes, leaving her alone, she allows her outward confidence to flag] [Cut to Cuddy entering the clinic] Nurse Regina: Guess who didn't show up for clinic duty? Cuddy: (sighing) Oh, don't tell me. The guy with all the boils needs a liver transplant. Nurse Regina: No, his doctor needs a nap. You want me to try to find him? Cuddy: You really need him? Nurse Regina: I need someone. [Cuddy sighs] [Cut to a clinic exam room, where Cuddy is talking to a middle-age, male, African American patient] Clinic Patient: I have cancer. Cuddy: Why do you think you have cancer? Clinic Patient: I don't think I have cancer. I know I have cancer. I had surgery to remove a malignant polyp in my colon six months ago, and now it's spread to my liver and lymph nodes. Cuddy: So you're under the care of an oncologist? Clinic Patient: Yeah, but he won't give me the prescription I need. Cuddy: Do you need more painkillers? Clinic Patient: No. I need breast milk. Cuddy: Human breast milk? Clinic Patient: Yes. It has cancer-fighting qualities. Cuddy: Well, in newborns, it's been shown to reduce future risk. Clinic Patient: No, in adults with cancer too. I - I've read studies. Clinic Patient: Look... I even know a place where I can buy it. I just need a prescription so I can get reimbursed by my insurance company. Cuddy: They said they'd reimburse the cost of breast milk as a cancer treatment? Clinic Patient: They reimburse prescriptions, so if you write me a prescription, then they have no choice but to pay. Cuddy: Well, actually, they have a choice. Clinic Patient: What are you, some type of shill for the insurance company? Cuddy: No. Clinic Patient: Look, I've been paying premiums for 30 years, and I've never been sick a day in my life till this happened. Now I can't work, I got no money. And you want to help them screw me over? Cuddy: I'm not screwing you over. Clinic Patient: Well, then give me the script. It won't help you. Clinic Patient: Will it hurt me? Cuddy: No, but – Clinic Patient: Okay, so it won't harm me, and it won't harm you, but it's this insurance company – Cuddy: This is not about insurance. Clinic Patient: (angrily) Then give me the damn script. (pausing, then speaking quietly) I'm sick. I need help. I need something. Cuddy: I'm sorry. Clinic Patient: (getting down off the exam table) Bitch. [Cut to Cuddy exiting the exam room. She sighs] Cuddy: (to Regina) Anyone call? Nurse Regina: Yeah. The ER. They said the vascular who's on call doesn't have privileges. Cuddy: Then why is he on call? Nurse Regina: Dowd's at a conference and got him to fill in. Cuddy: Be nice if he got somebody who can actually work here. Call Ereshefsky. Nurse Regina: Ereshefsky? She's not gonna do it. Cuddy: She owes me a favor. Nurse Regina: She's still not gonna do it. All right. Oh, and there's a guy in your office. I think he's a lawyer. Cuddy: Why is he in my office? Nurse Regina: Said he didn't want to sit around a bunch of sick people. I tried to stop him. [Cuddy goes into her office] Cuddy: Hi. I'm Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Westbrook: (they shake hands) Ronald Westbrook. I appreciate your taking the time to meet with me. Cuddy: Hard to avoid since you're already in my office. Westbrook: Sorry about that, I just got over a wicked cold that didn't want to – Cuddy: (interrupting) How can I help you? Westbrook: I represent Martín Acevedo. He's filed a suit against PPH, and Dr. Robert Chase for performing surgery without consent. Cuddy: Yes, I saw that. I also saw the consent forms. They were all signed. Westbrook: Yes, but my client was assured that the procedure would just be a few minor sutures. Cuddy: Wait. Your client accidentally cut his thumb off with a table saw, right? Westbrook: Yes. Cuddy: And Dr. Chase reattached it? Westbrook: Yes. Cuddy: You're saying he didn't want it reattached? Westbrook: No, he most certainly did not. [Cut to Chase and Cuddy talking in a hospital hallway] Chase: His insurance only covered 60% of inpatient expenses, so he would only agree to the cheapest option. Cuddy: So what did you tell him? Chase: I said I'd sew up the skin over the exposed bone. Then I put him under, got his thumb from the paramedics, and reattached it. What's he gonna do? Tell the judge that I harmed him by reattaching a vital digit? Cuddy: Both he and the insurance company are suing to get out of paying the bill. It's over $80,000. Chase: It was his thumb. I couldn't just let him toss it in the trash to save a few bucks. [Cuddy looks at her watch and hurries away] [Cut to Cuddy entering the clinic, Regina intercepts her] Nurse Regina: Gail the pharm tech who called in sick is here. She's waiting in your office. [Cut to Gail and Cuddy sitting in Cuddy’s office] Gail: He barely even looks at me anymore. We haven't had sex in months. Cuddy: You don't need pills to lose weight. There are healthier ways, legal ways. Gail: You don't understand how hard it is. Ever since our second child, no matter what I do. I just wanted to lose ten more pounds and then I was gonna stop. Cuddy: I'm sorry. Forging pharmaceutical orders, stealing – Gail: Don't fre me, Dr. Cuddy, please. I'm begging you. If Sam finds out, he'll divorce me for sure, and my kids – I will never do it again, I swear. Just give me a second chance. Cuddy: I won't report the theft to the DEA... But I have to fre you. [Gail puts her hand to her forehead and sobs] Cuddy: Just take a few minutes to compose yourself, then go down to HR and they'll give you your last check. Gail: (crying) I've been a perfect employee for seven years. Cuddy: I know, but this is too big. I'm sorry. [Gail sniffles and leaves the office. Cuddy looks at her watch and sighs] [Cut to Wilson standing in the cafeteria line. Cuddy approaches] Wilson: How's it going? Cuddy: (calling Marina on her phone as she talks to Wilson) Got three hours to save this place from bankruptcy, I just fired one of my best employees, and the woman taking care of my sick child isn't returning my calls. Wilson: Rachel's gonna be fine, I'm sure whoever he or she is deserved it, and we're not going bankrupt. Are we? Cuddy: Don't worry. The board will fre me before they allow that to happen. Wilson: They'd never fre you. Cuddy: I just told Atlanticnet Insurance I'd terminate unless they gave us a 12% bump. Wilson: They might fre you. Cuddy: (talking on her phone) Marina, hey, it's me. I haven't heard back from you. Can you call me as soon as you can? Thank you. Wilson: You try Lucas? Cuddy: He's either sleeping or avoiding me. Wilson: You in a fight? Cuddy: Not yet, but we're gonna be. [Wilson walks away. Cuddy pays for a salad and follows him to a table] Cuddy: What do you think I should do about Atlanticnet? Wilson: You're asking a guy who paid full sticker price for his last car. You ask House? (Cuddy gives him an “are you crazy” look) He's a master manipulator who always gets what he wants. Cuddy: This situation is out of control enough already. House is the last person I want to get involved. [Carrying her salad and texting as she walks, Cuddy returns to her office, where she finds House sitting behind her desk. His feet are propped on the desk and he is using Cuddy’s computer. Cuddy: Get out of my chair. And the answer is no. House: You ever noticed how many prn sites have "mom" in the domain name? Hot moms, hungry moms, mature moms. That ought to make you feel pretty good. [Cuddy pushes his feet off her desk and closes her laptop] Cuddy: What do you want? House: Looks like boils, altered mental status, and heart failure was caused by renal cell carcinoma. (handing her a form) I need your signature to start treating it with malaria. Don't worry, I'm giving him chemo too. Cuddy: What is your sudden obsession with malaria? House: Just trying to play my part cutting costs. Malaria is the simplest, cheapest method of delivering hypothermia. Cuddy: Right. The only money you care about – You bet someone you could use malaria as a diagnostic tool? House: That doesn't sound like me. Cuddy: Forget it. House: Okay, let me see if I've got this straight, a bet that puts one patient at minor risk is juvenile? Cuddy: And irresponsible and dangerous. House: But going all-in against Atlanticnet – Cuddy: Is not a bet. That is a carefully considered negotiating position. House: (putting the form on her desk) I'm gonna put this in your inbox. I just hope it doesn't get lost underneath all the other stuff you're carefully considering. (He leaves. Cuddy sits down at her desk and looks at her watch yet again) [Cut to Cuddy handing a file to Regina at the clinic desk] Cuddy: Can you take a look at these per diem schedules? Let me know if you see any conflicts. Nurse Regina: Got it. Oh, and Ereshefsky actually did come in. You catch her leaving a sponge in a guy or something? Cuddy: Wasn't a medical mistake. Nurse Regina: What was it? Cuddy: Can't tell you now. She came in. [Cuddy notices Stan entering the clinic and intercepts him] Cuddy: Hey, Stan! Have you audited the ephedrine orders yet? Stan: Why? You told me she confessed. Cuddy: Stan. Stan: All right, yeah. I'll take care of it. Cuddy: Today. [Stan leaves and Cuddy turns away checking her phone for messages] Nurse Regina: You know he's cussing you out in there now. Cuddy: I don't care as long as he does it. Lucas: (entering the clinic) What a bitch. Cuddy: (to Lucas) What are you doing here? Lucas: Sounded like you were going to be too busy for lunch, so my specialty, (holding up a brown paper bag) spinach lasagna. Cuddy: Sure you didn't come looking for more people you could brag about our sex life to? Lucas: (looking contrite) Okay. Sorry. From now on, I got nothing but bad things to say about our sex life. (Cuddy gives him a look) Or nothing to say. [Cuddy heads to her office. Lucas follows] Cuddy: And what's going on with Marina? She hasn't called me back. Lucas: She was gonna call. I told her I'd let you know everything was okay. Cuddy: So her fever broke? Lucas: What exactly does that mean, "when a fever breaks?” Cuddy: Lucas, I'm very busy. Does she have a fever or not? Lucas: (noticing the uneaten salad) That was gonna be your lunch? And you didn't have breakfast either. (He puts the brown bag on her desk) No, she doesn't have a fever, and the rash was just, like, a little diaper rash. Cuddy: (putting the brown bag on the floor) What rash? She has a rash? Lucas: Little one. (Cuddy picks up the phone to call Marina) Lisa, don't worry. I'm telling you. [A cell phone rings. Lucas takes a ringing phone out of his pocket] Lucas: Oh, god. I must have grabbed Marina's cell by mistake. (Cuddy disconnects and starts to dial her home number) And, I turned the ringer off on the home phone so I could sleep. Cuddy: (hanging up the phone) What are you doing to me? Lucas: I take it your deal's not done. Cuddy: (finally sitting down) Not yet. Lucas: How about I take a quick look into the guy who's in charge of the negotiations? Or better yet, the CEO. If I get some dirt, you can use it as leverage. Cuddy: There's no time. (She pauses and looks up at him) How do you even find these guys? [Cut to Cuddy talking to the desk clerk at a restaurant. The clerk points to two men sitting at a table] Cuddy: Thanks. [Cuddy approaches the men] Tannenbaum: (speaking to his dining partner) You should have seen the guy's face. I thought he was gonna have a damn coronary right there in the tee box. Cuddy: Excuse me. You're Keith Tannenbaum, CEO of Atlanticnet Insurance, right? Tannenbaum: That's me. How can I help you? Cuddy: Well, actually, I think we can help each other. I am Dr. Lisa Cuddy, Dean of Medicine at Princeton Plainsboro. Tannenbaum: Oh, yeah. Well, how are you? Cuddy: Well, I'm a little unhappy. You're aware that our contract with your company is up this week? Tannenbaum: Yes, and we have a negotiating team that's working all that out. Cuddy: Princeton Plainsboro has the highest-rated ER in the state, the most advanced ICU, and the most innovative diagnostic medicine department in the entire country. Tannenbaum: Good to know. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to – Cuddy: While Atlanticnet Insurance has a marketing budget that's more than our pediatric ICU’s and transplant units combined. Your PGA sponsorship could pay for our walk-in clinic, and the money you spend to fuel your two private jets could fund our air ambulance service for the next three years. Tannenbaum: Your point being? Cuddy: Your growth may be good for your bottom line, but ours allows us to save lives. And I would rather not have to announce to the press how selective your company appears to be when it comes to cutting costs. Tannenbaum: (Eli) Morgan was right. You are one tough gal. You can portray me as a rich bastard in the press all you want, just as long as I stay rich. [Cuddy, with a look of disbelief on her face, turns to leave] [Cut to Cuddy entering the clinic. Regina stops her] Nurse Regina: Stan is looking for you. Cuddy: I'm busy. Nurse Regina: He said it's urgent. [Cut to Cuddy talking to Stan in the pharmacy] Stan: I don't understand how it's even possible. I've checked it twice. Cuddy: How much? Stan: Ten cases. Cuddy: Ten cases? Stan: Going back three years. Cuddy: What the hell have you been doing Stan? You're supposed to be managing this place. Stan: All the paperwork I signed was correct. She must have altered the orders afterwards. Cuddy: Didn't you ever cross-check it with the bills that came in? Stan: I delegated it. Cuddy: To whom? Stan: To Gail. Look, she seemed perfectly trustworthy. How was I supposed to know? Cuddy: By doing your job. Stan: I'm sorry. Cuddy: Have you notified the DEA? Stan: The DEA? Cuddy: Jeez, Stan. Hello! You don't steal $50,000 worth of pills because you want to lose weight. She's supplying a meth lab. Just get her back in here. Stan: All right. Cuddy: Now. [Cut to Cuddy entering her office. Eli Morgan is waiting for her] Eli: Oh, you ever want a job, trust me. He'll double whatever you're making here. Cuddy: Take it he liked my proposal. Eli: Enough to tell me to get my ass back over here today. (handing her an envelope) Here. He's willing to go to 8%. Cuddy: 8? Eli: We were at 4. Your board's gonna think you walk on water. Cuddy: (handing the envelope back to him) I want 12. Eli: You're not gonna get 12. There's just no way. Cuddy: 8% barely covers our cost inflation. Eli: But capitated structure should allow you to hold down inflation. Cuddy: And shifts all your risk onto us, which is why we deserve 12. Eli: Lisa, come on. The guy who mows my lawn makes more than my kid's teacher. Hell, the two guys whose lunch you interrupted could get fired, and their severance would be more than most of their employees make in a lifetime. It doesn't have anything to do with what you deserve. (putting the envelope on her desk) This is it. Take it or leave it. [Cut to Cuddy entering an empty stairwell, where she alternately paces and sits, looking decidedly anxious. She finally opens the door to leave and finds House standing in the doorway] Cuddy: What are you doing? House: Hey. (They talk as they walk toward Cuddy’s office) Know any good transplant surgeons? Turns out his kidneys aren't the only thing failing. And I know what you're thinking, but malaria wouldn't destroy his liver that fast, especially since we never infected him. Cuddy: I thought you said – House: Apparently Foreman now thinks that he has the authority to overrule my orders just because the FDA wouldn't approve. Don't worry. I'll deal with him. If you could just talk to Hourani – Cuddy: (stopping) What would you do? House: (turning to face her) If you paged me during sex? Cuddy: About the contract, with Atlanticnet. I got them to come up to 8%, but we should get at least 12. House: It's all numbers. Do the math, and nothing else. Cuddy: It's not about my pride. It's about the principle. They're trying to screw us over because we're small. House: That's what they're supposed to do. Cuddy: They should be pressuring other hospitals to be more like us, not trying to make us more like them. It's stupid. House: (They continue walking) Putting your job on the line in an effort to stamp out stupidity isn't? Cuddy: You would. House: Probably. But then I also wanted to try to cure cancer by infecting a guy with malaria to win a $50 bet. You really want to be like me? [Cut to Cuddy writing on a notepad at her desk. She looks at her desk clock. It is 3:00. She has run out of time] [Cut to Cuddy addressing a large group of hospital employees in the auditorium] Cuddy: As you know, for the past eight months, we've been trying to renegotiate our contract with Atlanticnet Insurance. It's been a difficult process, but I wanted to let you all know before we made the formal announcement, that as of 5:00 p.m. today, our contract with Atlanticnet will be terminated. We've doubled the number of customer service representatives in our call center. Current patients will still be allowed to remain in our care for 30 days, but starting tomorrow, we will no longer be accepting patients with Atlanticnet health insurance. [overlapping dialogue of complaints] Man: Why weren't we told about this sooner? [Cut to Cuddy on the phone again in her office] Cuddy: Come on, Marina. Pick up the phone. [Foreman walks in] Cuddy: I'm busy. [Getting no answer, Cuddy hangs up the phone] Foreman: We found a liver match. Cuddy: All right. Get him prepped. I'll straighten things out with Hourani. Foreman: Hourani's not the problem. House is. Now he wants Chase to do the surgery. Cuddy: To prove to Hourani he doesn't need him? Foreman: To prove to Thomas that Chase was his department's best surgeon. Cuddy: And what does Chase want to do? Foreman: Chase wants to do the surgery. Cuddy: And you don't want him to do it because? Foreman: I don't care who does it. Cuddy: So what's the problem? Foreman: In order to get our patient into the OR, we have to get him on the surgery schedule. In order to do that, we need someone to put him there who neither House nor Thomas can overrule. [Cuddy sighs, grabs her jacket off of her chair and goes to House’s office. The blinds to his office are drawn. She pushes them aside to reveal House getting a massage from a very pretty female masseuse] Cuddy: What? House: Would you rather I go back on vicodin? Cuddy: She's not massaging your leg. House: She will... Eventually. Cuddy: Why am I the only person here who cares what happens to this hospital? Get off your ass and get your department under control. At least for the next few days. House: Its gonna take longer than a few days for a company the size of Atlanticnet to start feeling the squeeze of your PR Campaign. If they ever do. Cuddy: And you know this how? From all the time you've spent researching them and their other contracts? The way they handle their press relations? House: I know they have a nascar team. Despite what you may have learned at hebrew school or from Jimmy Cliff, sometimes the bigger they are, The harder they kick your ass. [Cut to Cuddy’s office where she is talking to Martín Acevedo and his lawyer, Westbrook] Martín: I'm not trying to be greedy. Westbrook: But he's also not interested in being forced into a medical bankruptcy. Cuddy: Mr. Acevedo, I am sorry you're having financial difficulties. But because of us, you still have a thumb. I assume that's something a carpenter might need. Westbrook: And I assume you didn't ask for this meeting so you could lecture my client. Cuddy: You have insurance. But by filing this suit, you've caused us to get paid nothing by them either. Westbrook: That's not our problem. Cuddy: Actually it is, since he's responsible for any expense we're not reimbursed. But if you drop the suit and make it clear that Dr. Chase was acting in your best interest when he reattached your thumb, then we'll be able to resubmit the claim. Westbrook: And you'll cover his deductible, attorney's fees, and 50 grand for pain and suffering? Cuddy: Actually, I was thinking more like we'd cover half his deductible, which means you'd only owe $16,000. Westbrook: You want him to pay you? Cuddy: Yes. Do you have any idea how much it costs? How many years it takes to train someone in microsurgery? We gave you back your life. You can still work. You can button your own shirt, hold a fork. Westbrook: Martín, let's go. Martín: I'm sorry. I know I should pay, but I just can't. I still cannot work. I'm already underwater on my House, and I have two kids with braces. Cuddy: You think you'd be in better shape without a thumb? Martín: Right now... Financially? Yeah. I would be. Cuddy: Well, so would we. But when you came in, we didn't think about that, we just took care of you, made sure we did whatever you needed to get well. Westbrook: Yeah, right, all you doctors care about is healing. [a phone rings] That's why there are all those BMWs and Porsches in the parking lot. Cuddy: (looking at her phone) Damn it. Westbrook: (to Martín) Come on, we're out of here. (to Cuddy) We'll see you in court. Cuddy: You're right, you will. (to Martín) You still have a thumb because of us, and like everyone else in this world, we don't work for free. We earn this money. And if we have to take your house to get it, we will. [Cut to the surgical department where there is a large group of people gathered] Cuddy: (to a nurse) What's going on? Nurse: I think they're fighting. Cuddy: Out of my way. Now. Out of my way. [She pushes through the crowd to find Chase and Dr. Thomas attempting to ht each other. Thirteen and Foreman are trying to stop Chase and another surgeon is holding back Dr. Thomas] Cuddy: (to House) What the hell is going on? House: I told them to use their words. [Cuddy puts her fingers to her mouth and whistles loudly. The combatants stop fighting] [Cut to Cuddy preceding Chase and Thomas as they come through the doors of the clinic] Nurse Regina: That pharm tech is back. She's in your office. Cuddy: (to Dr. Thomas) You, there. (to Chase) You, over there. I don't wanna hear a word out of either one of you until I get back. [Cuddy enters her office] Cuddy: You lied. Gail: (smiling) So? What're you gonna do about it? Cuddy: (looking appalled) Well, for one... Notify the DEA. Gail: Good. I'm sure they'll be very interested to hear how Dr. House forced me to help him steal the meds and the administrator who he's having sex with has been helping him cover it up. Cuddy: You really think you can lie your way out of this? Gail: Yeah, I do. Anything else you wanna know... Bitch? [Cut to Cuddy putting on her scarf and coat as she hurries out of her office and past the clinic desk] Nurse Regina: (holding out the phone) The hospital board's chairman wants to speak to you. Cuddy: Tell him I'm busy. Nurse Regina: I did, but he – Cuddy: Than tell him I quit. [Cut to the PPTH parking garage where Cuddy is sitting alone in her car. House taps on the passenger side window with his cane. Cuddy scoots over to open the door and clear the seat of the detritus of her life, including a stuffed animal and some papers. House gets into the car and closes the door. Cuddy sighs and they sit in silence for a minute] Cuddy: You owe Lucas the money. We were having sex when you called. House: The breast milk guy finally found a doctor to give him what he wanted. If it works, it's way better than malaria. It’s worth a sht. Cuddy: I... I thought they were the ones bluffing. No way they'd let us terminate. House: They're not gonna fre you. And you're not gonna quit. Cuddy: Why not? House: Because you're an idiot. (Cuddy looks over at him) This place needs you. And that matters to you. [Cuddy sighs] Cuddy: What do you think of that pharm tech, Gail? House: She's a sociopath. Cuddy: You knew she was stealing meds? House: No. But have you seen the way she opens the mail? Cuddy: Why didn't you ever tell me? House: Figured it might come in handy one day. [Cuddy chuckles and then looks over at House with an expression of inspiration on her face] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She is talking to Gail] Cuddy: Gail, I like you. I always have. And I know you must've gotten sucked up into a situation you weren't able to control. Gail: Really, is that what happened with you and House? Cuddy: I'm not gonna back down just because you thrat to smear me. Now, if you agree to tell the truth, there are things I can do to help. Think about your husband, your kids. I know you're a good person deep down inside. You can't completely hide everything about yourself in seven years. Gail: You're an idiot. I started stealing from here six months after you hired me. You still don't even know the half of it, and you never will. You wouldn't have even found out about this if I hadn't gotten sick. And you aren't as tough as you think you are. There's no way you'd let this job get taken away. And if I go down... You're going down. [Gail grabs her coat and purse and leaves the office. Cuddy looks at a bright red flower in a vase on her desk and smiles] [Cut to Cuddy approaching Regina at the clinic nurses station] Cuddy: (holding up the flower) Hey... Can you tell Stan to give this to the DEA agent when he comes by. Nurse Regina: A flower? Cuddy: Lucas gave it to me. I thought it might come in handy one day. [Cuddy pushes a small button on the stem of the flower and a recording of what Gail said in Cuddy’s office is heard. “I started stealing from here six months after you hired me”] Nurse Regina: (raising her hand for a high five. Cuddy does the same) Nice. Cuddy: (She gives the flower to Regina) Least I came out on top once today. Nurse Regina: Where you going? Cuddy: To hand the board my resignation. Hopefully whoever they hire to replace me can still get the 8%. [Cut to Cuddy pushing an elevator button. Her cell phone rings. She turns away from the elevator to answer it] Cuddy: Marina! I've been trying to get in touch with you all day. All right, I understand. Just, how is Rachel? And the rash? Great. I'll be home early (she runs for the open elevator door) – oh! (The door closes before she gets there) Aw! Perfect. (She pushes the elevator button again) Eli: (coming up behind Cuddy, who turns to face him) You bitch. I didn't think you'd actually do it. Cuddy: I told you I would. Eli: Call the dogs off. (handing her an envelope) You got your 12. Congratulations. Cuddy: (taking the envelope, and yelling out in imitation of the orgasm she did not have with Lucas that morning) Yeeeeesss! Whooo! Yes! [The camera focuses briefly on Regina who is clearly enjoying her boss’s excitement] [The following dialogue-free scenes are accompanied by Eric Bibb singing Shine] [Cut to a grinning Cuddy telling the hospital board of her success. They applaud. It is 5:15p.m.] [Cut to the hospital auditorium where she is again applauded as she tells a large group of hospital employees about the renewed contract with Atlanticnet Insurance. House has a subtle look of pride on his face] [Cut to Cuddy in her office, packing her briefcase. She picks up a check, which has been left on her desk. A post-it note says “Mr. Acevedo dropped this off!” She removes the post-it. The check is to PPTH in the amount of $850.00. The memo line reads “thumb surgery, 1st installment.” She tears up the check and looks at her watch. It is exactly 6:00p.m. She drops the torn pieces in the wastebasket and leaves her office, a huge smile on her face] [Cut to Cuddy lying on her bed and gently rubbing the back of a sleeping baby Rachel. The camera pulls back to reveal Lucas spooning with Cuddy. He puts his hand on her behind. She removes it, then changes her mind and puts his hand back. They snuggle comfortably] [Cut to a close-up of Cuddy and the baby. Cuddy’s cell phone rings] Lucas: (unseen) You gonna get that?	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x14 - 5 to 9"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on Frankie’s face. It’s very late at night and the living room is dark. She’s lit by the glow from her laptop, which gives her a blue-black tint. Nora Jones’ “Chasing Pirates” plays as Frankie types. “Taylor and I Had an Argument…” which turns out to be the title of her blog entry. Random words can be seen as she types. Finally, the text of the entry in her blog, “A Considered Life,” can be seen. Taylor and I had an Argument… Taylor and I had an argument. Right now he’s sleeping, and I’m dwelling. The evening started pleasantly enough --Taylor got through that extra work and we both went to the Blue Grotto (a local place where the chef does some half-price experimenting on Monday nights.) He had crayfish and mussels and I had a smoked salmon dish. Everything was fun until he started mocking me She takes a bite of a cookie as she reads comments on the entry. Taylor comes to the bedroom door.] Taylor: Are you ever coming to bed? Frankie: I still say I'm a vegetarian. Taylor: Well, you can say that you're an astronaut, but that doesn't make it true. A salmon is not a vegetable, Frankie. Frankie: Well, apparently, eight out of ten commenters agree with you. Except for the part where you said, "I believe what I want to believe." That they found a little judgmental. Taylor: [approaching] You blogged our argument? I asked you to quit talking about me. I don't want a bunch of people that I don't know hearing stuff that's meant to be between me and you. Frankie: I write about my life. And you're a big part of that. Taylor: That's great. I want to be a big part of your life. But I don't want to be a big part of their lives. Take it down, erase it, delete it. Make it go away. [There’s someone knocking loudly at the door. Adam answers it. Their neighbor, Stuart, is there.] Stuart: Come on, man. It's 2:00 in the morning. These walls are made out of tissue paper. I gotta be up in three hours to do a wiring job in Edison. Adam: I'm sorry. We'll try to hold it down. Frankie: [standing behind Taylor] Sorry. [Taylor sees that the entire left side of her face is bruised.] Taylor: Frankie, what happened? [Stuart starts dialing his cell phone.] Whoa, whoa. That's not what you think. Something's wrong. Stuart: We need a police car at 152 Haverhill. Frankie: Whoa, what are you two talking about? [She looks in a mirror.] Oh, my God. Taylor: Are you all right? Frankie: I think it's coming from my gums. [She touches her mouth. She’s bleeding a lot.] [Opening Credits] [Cut to a cane lying on the floor. A DVD, “How Wet Was My Valley,” pops out of the player above it. House, wearing his bathrobe, takes it out and puts it in its case. There’s the sound of footsteps as Wilson comes in, buttoning his cuffs and almost ready for work.] Wilson: What are you doing tonight? House: Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking. Wilson: It's pathetic. You divide your nights between prn and the Discovery Channel. House: Right. Playing Dance Dance Revolution is a much better choice. [He drops the DVDs on the kitchen island and picks up his cereal and goes to the orange couch while Wilson looks at the DVDs on the counter.] Wilson: Okay, that was a gift from a patient, and it happens to be great exercise. I mean, who rents prn anymore? Can't you get this stuff on the Internet? House: You can. But you can't get disc two with the director's commentary. Wilson: Come out with me tonight. I'm going speed dating. House: You mean you're dating on meth? Count me in. Wilson: You need to meet somebody. This way, you meet 20 somebodies. House: Over a five-minute discussion of Proust? Speed dating's a meat market. Wilson: Yeah. Dozens of women just waiting to be ht on. Your odds of a happy ending are nearly as good as staying home and watching prn. [House considers this.] [Cut to Frankie’s room. She’s in bed, typing on her computer. Taylor is reading in a nearby chair.] [Cut to House’s office. He’s in his easy chair, reading a hard cover copy of The Golden Bowl. Foreman opens the door and enters, followed by the rest of the team.] Foreman: You plan on doing any work today? House: I thought I might do a little light doctoring in the afternoon. Foreman: [handing House a file] 28-year-old female sudden unexplained coagulopathy. Chase: Could be congenital thrombocytopenia. House: Platelets look normal. Thirteen: Patient makes money doing freelance photography. Some photographic processes produce toxic gases. Foreman: She's a blogger. I can't see her photos being anything but digital. House: What does she blog? Politics? Dominatrix? Cooking? 'Cause I need recipes. Chase: It's a personal journal. I don't get putting your whole life online. Taub: It's not that crazy. Privacy's basically a modern invention. Towns used to be too small for anybody to keep any secrets. What if it's not the platelets, but the glue that holds 'em together? Chase: No. Thrombin and von Willebrand factor are normal. House: And knowing too much about each other is exactly why people leave small towns and move to the city. Taub: And a lot of people choose to stay because, in return for zero privacy, you get community, connection. House: Big red As for our tunics. Connections are for airports. For people, we have over 300 cable channels. Thirteen: Her photos may be digital – doesn't mean she couldn't have been exposed to some other toxin. We should search the apartment. House: Eeny, meeny, miny, Thirteen and Tiny. [He goes back to his book.] [Cut to Taub and Thirteen in Frankie’s apartment. Taub tries to open a drawer.] Taub: This one's locked. Thirteen: I'm supposed you took the pro-community position. Taub: I have friends. I like people. Thirteen: You also like secrets. You deny it, it sort of proves my point. Taub: When we're left to our own devices, we make lousy choices. [Someone knocks on the door] Taub: [whispering] Ignore it. Stuart: [through the door] I can hear you in there. Open the door, or I'm calling the cops. Taub: [looking out the window, still whispering] We're four stories up, but there's a fre escape on the other wall. The ledge might be wide enough. [Thirteen gives him a look and opens the door.] Thirteen: We're doctors. We aren't stealing anything. [She shows that she’s wearing purple rubber gloves.] We're collecting samples. Taub: Who are you? Stuart: The neighbor. Did they say that you could come in here and – Taub: Yup. What do you know about Frankie and Taylor? Stuart: Not much. The guy works a lot. I see Frankie around. We argue a few times a week, and then we go back about our business. Taub: What do you argue about? Stuart: Frankie's got some strong opinions. Wants to recycle every molecule of trash. Thirteen: You take the anti-recycling position? Stuart: Trash piling up for composting's attracting every rat in the neighborhood. I had to put down poison. [to Thirteen who is trying to open the locked drawer] It's her private drawer. What are you doing over there? Thirteen: She said she doesn't have any secrets. I'm taking her at her word. Taub: Is there any chance Frankie touched the rat poison? Stuart: Touched it? She grabbed a chunk of it right out of the mouth of the schnauzer from down the hall. Now every time I put the stuff down, she picks it back up. [Taub and Thirteen exchange significant looks.] [Cut to a restaurant. At every table there’s one woman facing an empty chair. All of the men are gathered at the bar, looking at the women. It’s a Middle School dance with alcohol. House walks though, checking out the other men and the women, in slightly slo-mo. The Dynamites' “What's it Gonna Be” plays.] ♪ Oh ♪ Come on ♪ Can’t you feel it ♪ Everybody can make up their own mind ♪ Running round in circles ♪ Gettin' left behind [House reaches the end of the bar where… Chase salutes him with his beer bottle.] House: [to Wilson] You brought a date? Chase: Wilson seemed to think it was a good idea. Wilson: You need to dive back into the pool. House: And he has to swim in ours? You go to a bar, you bring your ugly friends. Chase: It's not a beauty pageant. House: Life is a beauty pageant. Little girls who kiss frogs expect them to turn into you. Chase: Oh, come on. I'm not that good-looking. House: Yeah, you are. Wilson: [looking at Chase] You kind of are. Chase: So you attribute every relationship I've ever had to the height of my cheekbones? Wilson: Not the whole relationship. Just the beginning. House: The rest is your hair. Chase: This is ridiculous. Women aren't as distracted by appearances as we are. They look deeper. House: [smiling slightly] You wanna bet? [Chase cocks his head, listening] You can't tell anyone you're a doctor. You're unemployed. You're also a little slow, misunderstand everything they say. And lose the accent. A hundred bucks says you still walk out of here with a dozen names. [A gong rings] Hostess: Ladies and gentlemen, the fun is about to start. When I strike this gong, each man should sit at the table you've been assigned. When I strike it again, date's over, move on. [The gong rings. We see one conversation then cut to another table and a new conversation.] Wilson: I'm an oncologist. Leeanne: Oh, my aunt and my grandma, they both died from breast cancer. Wilson: [resigned] Do-do you wanna talk about it? [New table. House spins his button, #39, on the table then slaps it down.] House: I'm a diagnostician. I find out what's wrong with people, and I fix it. Melodie: Don't all doctors do that? House: Yeah, but they can't dance like I can. [New table.] Chase: [Runs his hand over his face and props it under his jaw. Speaks with a fake American accent] I play video games. [He runs his tongue over his top teeth and makes a sucking noise.] Chloe: Oh. Professionally? Chase: [snorts slightly] I wish, bro. [New table.] Dionne: After six months of chemo, we thought he was out of the woods. [Wilson looks like a sympathetic statue.] [New table.] Grace: I don't want kids. House: Check. Grace: I'm thinking about going from a "C" to a "D." House: Quadruple check. Grace: [enthusiastically] And I'm on fre for the Lord. [House gapes at her.] [New table.] Nicole: I'm a chocolatier. Chase: I could tell by your hips. Nicole: Yeah, I-I guess I could afford to lose a few pounds. [She giggles slightly. Chase does an almost imperceptible double take at her reaction.] [New table.] Elizabeth: I don't think I know anybody who died of cancer. Wilson: Thank God. For you, I mean. Obviously. Elizabeth: Except my cat. [starts tearing up] She died a few months ago. [New table.] Mary: I hate these things. House: What, are you here at gn? You need me to call 911? Mary: Friend dragged me. She keeps trying to fix my life. Which, admittedly, could use it, but... still annoying. House: [noticing the daily crossword puzzle she has on the table.] You like puzzles. Mary: I hoped my job would let me play with puzzles all day long, but it didn't work out that way. [House looks intrigued.] Police detective. Turns out criminals are idiots. If they're not gonna bother to challenge you, what's the point? House: [looking around] Is there a fre alarm we could pull? Maybe get out of here. Mary: [smiling] Hmm. House: Except... Maybe you're just too swoft. Mary: Beg your pardon. House: Swoft. It's one of your crossword answers. I believe it means lying manipulator who tells men anything they want to hear. You brought a prop as a conversation starter. Folded the paper to make it look read, filled in some answers, but you couldn't be bothered to work at it, so you just put in random letters. You have some natural talent as a liar, but not enough brains to see it through. I'm gonna assume you're not a cop. [leans back in his chair] Are the five minutes up? [The gong rings.] [Cut to the guys leaving.] Hostess: These women would welcome a call from you. [She hands Wilson a small stack of index cards.] And these women would welcome a call from you. [House gets a couple of cards. She fans a large pile of cards – a dozen or more and hands them to Chase.] My. [Chase flips through the cards, not happy. House puts out his hand to be paid.] [Cut to Frankie’s room. Taub and Foreman enter. Joan is sitting in a visitors’ chair, reading something on her computer. Frankie is in bed, typing.] Taub: It's nice to have visitors. Frankie: I'm updating my blog. Joan: And I'm reading it. Taub: You realize you're in the same room? Frankie: [stops typing] Sorry. [to Foreman] So I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm sure I washed my hands after I threw out the rat poison. Foreman: Apparently you did it multiple times over a course of days. Can't be too certain. Joan: You must be Dr. Foreman. [to Frankie] Got to get back to work. Frankie: Okay. Joan: Take it easy. [Joan leaves. Frankie sees both doctors staring at her.] Frankie: What? She reads my blog. Taub: [to Foreman after looking at Frankie’s laptop] Personally, I don't think you're condescending at all. Frankie: That's not what I wrote. When you were taking my history, I told you I went whitewater rafting six months ago, and you said, [snootily] "it was unlikely to be related." I was just giving information. Let's face it. You got a little snarky. Foreman: You can't convey a tone of voice in writing. Frankie: I just put what you said. If you don't want people to think you're condescending, maybe you shouldn't say condescending things. [Taub nods] Can this wait a second 'cause I have to pee? [She gets up and wheels her IV stand with her.] You know, I think people behave badly because there are no records of what we say or do. [loudly, from the bathroom] And nobody believes anymore that God's watching. Well, God's not, but I am. [Taub and Foreman are bored.] Everything is on the record, including everything I do. [in the bathroom doorway] I don't think my pee is supposed to be mud-colored. [Taub and Foreman get up.] Foreman: We were wrong about the rat poison. [Cut to Diagnostics. House stands at the head of the table, twirling his cane.] House: Coagulopathy plus kidney equals what? Thirteen: Hemolytic uremic syndrome. House: Normal creatinine levels. [He sees Wilson going past the office and goes to the door.] Foreman: She has elevated cholesterol. House: [shouting as Wilson walks past] Hey, Wilson! Can't find my prn. Wilson: Have you tried offering a reward? Taub: Gaucher's disease. It would affect her ability to synthesize Vitamin K. Chase: She's on a semi-vegetarian diet. Means she gets plenty of Vitamin K. Sjögren's is more likely. House: I assume you moved them while you were dusting. I checked the drawers, windowsill, DVD player in your room. [leans back into the office, stage whisper to the team] The quiet ones are always deeply repressed. Wilson: I returned them to the store. [He starts to walk down the hall.] Foreman: She had a fish dinner a couple of nights ago. Could be Haff disease causing rhabdo. House: [following him] What? Why did you return them to the store? Wilson: It's no trouble. I had to stop next-door for my dry cleaning anyway. Chase: Sjögren's wouldn't inhibit the clotting enzymes, infiltrate the kidneys – explains everything. Foreman: So does Haff disease. House: I'm not thanking you. I'm asking you why. Wilson: Because if I did happen to bring a woman home last night, I wanted it to be a prn-free zone. House: You do realize things don't have to be socks to go into a sock drawer. Wilson: I'm sorry. Horribly, horribly sorry. I thought you'd... watched them all. [He walks away.] House: You completely ruined my morning. I had to pull out your old family photos. [Wilson turns back to look at him.] Your mom was pretty hot. [back in the office] Haff disease fits the timing best. Start her on saline and Mannitol. [Cut to House’s office. He’s hunched over his laptop. Wilson enters.] Wilson: You reading your patient's blog? House: Nope. Wilson: [sitting] You should. Could be some clues. House: Too many. Be like doing a whole body scan. Send us up eight blind alleys. That's why Chase is doing it. Wilson: She mentions you. House: She's never met me. Wilson: You're an unseen presence, like the Wizard of Oz. House: He was a fraud. She couldn't have gone with Keyser Soze? Speaking of movies that don't make any sense, I stopped at the rental store to get those prn back. I told the guy at the counter I was so grateful that you'd returned them, but I wanted them. Guess what. You only returned two. You lost the third. It's decent of you to pay for it, not let them put it on my bill. Wilson: You know... I can explain what happened. House: I'm sure you could. But rather than listen to your lies, I thought it'd be more fun to drive all over town and get another copy. [smiles smugly] Wilson: You have – you have it here? [House makes a big show of hitting a button on his keyboard. Suggestive music starts playing. House’s shoulders start moving with the music. Wilson springs from his chair and goes behind the desk to look. House looks at Wilson while Wilson looks at a scene of people, wearing animal skins and antlers, dancing around a fre.] Wilson: Oh, God. [The person nearest the camera turns. It’s a very young Wilson.] Oh, God! Okay, first, that's not me. It's not – mostly not – [He starts again.] I was – I was in college. [Young Wilson moves toward and then past the camera, smiling.] I don't – my roommate was minoring in film. House: Are you hyperventilating? Remember that covering your mouth and one nostril can help. Wilson; [pointing at the screen] He had to get this in for some grade, [on screen, the antlered Wilson peers out from behind a tree then heads for Moon Woman, who is lying on the ground] and he was desperate. And the only reason I did it was because no one would ever see it. Who knew he'd become an actual director? House: He's not a director. He's an artist. The way he plays with light and darkness and… [Young Wilson puts his arm around the girl] boobs. [On screen, Moon Woman is in Wilson’s arms. Only their torsos can be seen. As they turn away from the camera, Wilson has become another “actor” who barely looks like him.] Wilson: That's not me. Moon Woman: What are you? Where are you taking me? Not-Wilson: Be not afraid. The forest nymphs have taught me how to please a woman. Wilson: [desperate] That's not me. That's not – I mean, you can see it's not me. He added extra scenes so he could release it as a prn. [Moon Woman is lying on the ground with her robe spread open. She wears a very modern bra. Not-Wilson leans over her, blocking the view.] House: Be not afraid, Wilson. You took risks for your art. Wilson: [sighing] Oh, boy. [He starts to leave. House continues watching the video, intently. At the door, Wilson turns back.] Wilson: No one – Hey, look at me – No one can know about this. House: From this moment on, my lips are sealed. [Moon Woman moans in the background as Wilson leaves.] [Cut to the hallway. Wilson almost bumps into Thirteen as he leaves House’s office.] Wilson: Sorry. [He continues walking.] Thirteen: It's okay. Be not afraid. [Wilson freezes momentarily as Thirteen enters the conference room.] [Cut to Diagnostics conference room. Chase is sitting at the table, reading Frankie’s blog on the computer. Thirteen enters.] Thirteen: Find anything? Chase: Relevant? No. Interesting. [shrugs] I guess. There's nothing that she doesn't share. "Angry sex is overrated. How can he expect me to be aroused when I'm so pissed at him?" Thirteen: [getting coffee] Revelations like that might just earn her a new kidney. An hour after she blogged about her kidney failure, the hospital got a call from Singapore. One of Frankie's readers asking how hard it would be to donate. [Chase appears to be thinking intently.] Chase: How good-looking am I? [Thirteen turns and gives him a questioning look.] I'm not asking if you're attracted to me. I'm looking for an objective answer. Thirteen: Oh, okay, then it's an appropriate question. Chase: Last night, I acted like a complete tosser to prove to House that women don't go out with me for my looks. Cost me a hundred bucks and my definition of myself. And women. Thirteen: So date men. They're not shallow at all. Chase: [has an epiphany] Everything's physical. Thirteen: Yes. We are physical beings. Some more than others. Please don't define my entire gender based on one night. Chase: No, what if the patient's problem is a physical reaction, not an emotional one? What if her lack of arousal had nothing to do with their fight? Sjögren's would inhibit her normal secretions. [Thirteen gestures agreement.] [Cut to treatment room. Chase wheels Frankie in.] Chase: Sorry for keeping you up. I thought it better not to wait till morning. Frankie: Oh, it's no problem. I'm a night owl. [He takes her IV off the stand attached to the chair.] So you think I might have this Sjögren's 'cause of my lack of discharge? Chase: Yeah. It's lucky you wrote about that. [He helps get her set up on the table.] Frankie: And a little crazy, you're thinking, to share that much? Chase: Not crazy. Unusual to be so intimate with people you don't know. [He goes to the terminal, turning his back on her.] Frankie: But I do know them. They read my blog, I comment on theirs. Just 'cause you haven't met someone physically doesn't mean you don't know them. What about you? Are you in a relationship? Chase: [not looking at her] It recently ended. Frankie: Oh. Sorry. Chase: Lie flat on your back all the way. [Frankie leans back, on her side, and props herself up with her elbow.] Frankie: But you saw each other every day, right? How much did you tell her about what you were thinking? Or did you just end up talking about where you were going to dinner and who needed to do the laundry? Chase: Is that what your relationship with Taylor is like? Frankie: No. Oh, maybe a little. You know, he's-he’s great, but sometimes it's easier to open up to people who aren't looking at you. Chase: You need to lie flat for us to get the x-ray. Frankie: I'm actually not comfortable on my back. Can't we do it this way? Chase: Did you strain a muscle? Frankie: No. What's wrong? [He’s looking at her and thinking.] [Cut to Diagnostics. House is getting coffee as the others take seats at the table. Chase enters.] Chase: I've booked our patient in for heart surgery. I was doing a sialogram on her, and she didn't want to lie on her back. That's a complaint you hear from people with heart valve issues. It fits. Sjögren's damaged her heart, causing her clotting problems, causing her kidneys to fail. Taub: You based all that on the fact that she didn't want to lie down? Chase: Well, that and the cardiac echo I performed after she didn't want to lie down. House: [looking at the Echo] Her mitral valve is nearly gone. Which means she's nearly gone. [looks at Chase] God, you're pretty. [Chase smirks.] [Cut to Frankie’s room. Taub, Chase. Frankie and Taylor are there.] Chase: So we can replace the mitral valve with a pig valve or with a plastic one. Frankie: From an actual pig? Taub: It's the better choice if you want to have children someday. A plastic valve requires you to be on anticoagulants, which are known to cause birth defects. On the other hand, the pig valve wears out quickly, so you'd need to have heart surgery again in ten years. Chase: I know that you're on the fence about having kids, but Taylor really wants them. [Taub looks at him.] It's in the blog. [Taylor slumps back in his chair, annoyed.] I'm afraid you two will need to agree on that decision earlier than planned. [Chase and Taub leave.] Taylor: It's your call. Frankie: [sighing] Can you pass me my laptop? Taylor: Seriously? Frankie: I want to get some feedback. Taylor: You really think that asking strangers for some off-the-top- of-their-head response is gonna be helpful here? A lot of your readers are into animal rights. They've got you two-thirds of the way to vegan. What are they gonna say about you buying your life with the life of a pig? Frankie: Whatever they say, I don't have to do it. Taylor: It won't work out that way. And we're the ones that are gonna have to live with this. Please, Frankie. Don't tell them. Frankie: If I start picking and choosing, I'm being dishonest. I'm sorry. [She reaches for her laptop and opens it, giving Taylor an apologetic look as she does so.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. He enters, followed by Sandy, his assistant. He signs something and hands her the clipboard.] Sandy: Thanks. [He turns toward his desk. He freezes and his jaw drops. His movie posters have been replaced with posters for “Feral Pleasures.” The one on the left says “She discovered he was part stag but all man” in red. The other has the tagline “The nymphs taught him secrets no man was meant to know!” in yellow. Both feature clear pictures of Wilson, with antlers. He approaches them slowly.] Sandy: Though I guess I should thank whoever taught you how to please a woman. [He turns slowly, glaring.] Maybe it was the forest nymphs. Wilson: [turns away from her and says, ominously] Get my Vertigo poster back. [Cut to the cafeteria. The cash register opens and the cashier takes out some coins and drops them in the customer’s hand.] Cashier: Be not afraid. It's exact change. Wilson: Okay. [Wilson takes his tray and joins Chase at a two-person booth.] Chase: [suspiciously] Hello? Wilson: I'm looking to get something on House. Chase: Couldn't you just ask the love nymphs for the secret? Wilson: Don't. My mission is to find something that House would not like to see made public and make it public. Chase: In. But you know him better than anyone. Why do you need my help? Wilson: House would never leave anything secret around the condo. But you've worked in the same office with him, on and off, for years. Think back. Were there ever any odd phone calls or visitors from the past? Chase: He openly brings prosttute into the hospital, and he gambles with bookies 'cause he's too lazy to go to the OTB. And you're asking for some – [He stops and laughs.] Wilson: What? What? [pause] What? Chase: He's reading The Golden Bowl. Wilson: The Gold – The – by Henry James? Chase: Yeah. No. No, no, he's not really reading it. [Wilson is nodding.] Wilson: Okay. I don't – I don’t understand. Chase: That book's at least 400 pages long. Whatever he's reading is only half that thick. Wilson: Maybe he's reading a version with a smaller font. Chase: He's not using his reading glasses. Wilson: That's a good point. Chase: He took the cover off The Golden Bowl and put it onto this other book so no one would know what he was reading. Whatever it is, he's ashamed of it. Wilson: [thoughtfully] Huh. [Cut to close up of the Apple logo on Frankie’s laptop. She closes the lid.] Frankie: I'm going with plastic. It just makes more sense. I don't want another operation later. Taylor: That's not why you're doing this. Look, when you were first telling me about why you love the Internet, you said that no one has to be alone again. Whoever you are, whatever you love, you can connect with someone. If you want to recreate the Boston Tea Party while dressed as imperial storm troopers, you can find the ten other people in the world that have always wanted to do that. Frankie: That hasn't changed. Taylor: But you have. This thing that you do, it's not about connection anymore. It's about an audience. It's a performance, and you've got one eye on the number of hits. You've turned our lives into their entertainment. You're smart, you're fun to read, it's okay. But don't give them this. Or if you do, don't... expect me to be here. [Cut to House’s office. Wilson is searching around the desk. Chase is going through the bookshelves by the door.] Wilson: Well, it's a good cover choice. It's not like anyone would pick it up. Chase: It's Cameron's favorite book. I don't even know what it's about. Wilson: Don't do that to yourself. [He opens a drawer and shuffles through some stuff.] What the hell? [He pulls out a sheaf of paper. The top page says “A Gregory House Production” in large letters. Wilson opens to a random page. There’s a picture of him from the movie, dancing around the fre. “His touch released the pagan ecstasy in a lover’s soul.” Is written in yellow across the page. “A Gregory House Production” is printed under the picture.] Wilson: Giving him a computer is like giving plutonium to Dr. No. [Chase smiles as he goes to the bookshelves behind the desk.] Chase: Got it. [He holds it aloft in triumph. As he opens it, the cover comes off the front. The spine of the book says “Step by Step.”] Wilson: [reading over Chase’s shoulder] Step by Step: Sermons for Everyday Life? [Chase flips through the book, glancing at several pages.] Chase: These are literal sermons, written by a minister. Loving thy neighbor even when thy neighbor's stereo is keeping you up at night. Why would he read this? Wilson: Why would he hide it? He reads the Bible, he reads the Koran. He says he likes to know what mistakes people are making. Chase: You think he's sincere? You think that he's actually getting something out of this? Wilson: I don't know. Chase: [closing the book and smiling] What a hypocrite. How can we use this in a cruel yet funny way? Wilson: You know what? [takes the book jacket from the desk and the book from Chase] Don't mention this to anyone. Chase: Well, so what was the point? [Wilson puts his fingers to his lips in a “shushing” motion as he opens the door and backs out of the office.] [Cut to OR prep.] Frankie: Are you gonna be here when I wake up? [Taylor steps over and strokes her hair.] I hate that you don't have a blog. I hate that I don't know what you're thinking. Taylor: Let's not get into it right now. We need to get you through surgery. Frankie: I don't want to go in there knowing that you'll stick with me through surgery 'cause that's what good guys do, but once I'm better, you'll be gone. Taylor: Let's not get into it now. [Frankie recoils and doubles up in pain.] Frankie: It hurts. [Foreman, a surgeon and a nurse rush over.] Surgeon: Is it her heart? Frankie: No, it's here. [She points to the right side of her abdomen.] Here. [She screams, leans over the side of the bed and vomits clear liquid.] Foreman: Get her inside. [More staff appear as they start wheeling her toward the ER.] [Cut to post-op. Chase and Foreman are there. Taylor sits next to Frankie’s bed.] Chase: Your appendix burst. We had to remove it. Foreman: And the biopsy confirms it was full of abnormal cells consistent with lymphoma. Frankie: I have cancer? Foreman: We've postponed putting in the new valve. Frankie: So I mean, I guess we do, what, chemo and all that stuff? Chase: Yes, but apparently you've had this for some time. When your appendix burst, it was like a dam giving way. The cells went streaming throughout your body. Frankie: So you're saying you'll treat, but you don't expect it to work. That's why no valve. It's pointless. Foreman: Our dean of medicine has approved an experimental treatment. We use your unique cancer cell signature to create a targeted lymphoma vaccine. Frankie: Okay, so that'll cure me? Chase: Well, we're not actually sure what it'll do, but the intention is to train your immune system to recognize and kll cells bearing the same malignant signature while leaving healthy cells alone. But, as Dr. Foreman says, it's experimental. Frankie: I see. Taylor: So without it, what kind of time are we talking about? Chase: An exact prognosis is impossible. Taylor: Well, how about a guess? Something, please. Foreman: Based on people in situations like yours... maybe a year. Taylor: Baby, whatever we have to do, we'll do. I can take care of you. I can work from home. Frankie: [to Chase and Foreman] Sounds good. Thank you for letting me know. We'll start with the treatment whenever it's ready. [Cut to Chase and Foreman leaving the room and walking down the hall.] Chase: Is she being a good soldier, or is she in denial? Foreman: Denial's not unusual for a first reaction. Chase: Or it could be a symptom. Some lymphomas affect cognition. Foreman: If it is denial, she needs time to process. If it's a symptom, hopefully treatment with the vaccine will help. [Foreman walks off. Chase turns and sees Wilson’s assistant behind the desk at the nurses’ station.] Chase: Hey, Sandy. [She looks up, smiles, then looks back at the computer screen.] Can I borrow your car? [She looks at him.] [Cut to the lab.] Chase: She gave me the keys. Thirteen: You're a doctor. She was doing you a favor. Chase: She barely knows me. I've been deluding myself that I'm actually connecting with people. Thirteen: The first person I ever fell in love with turned out to be a total tool. I mean, he came across all funny and charming and thoughtful, but it was an act. He saw something he wanted, and he knew he had to behave a certain way to get it. In retrospect, the fact that I was 17 and he was 30 should have been a clue. Figuring out who people are takes time. It takes twice as much time if they're trying to impress you. Now I could take from this that anyone who loans me their car has an ulterior motive, or I can accept that it's just a nice thing to do and take people as they come. [pause] You wanna do the first injection? [Cut to the living room. Wilson is on the orange couch, reading. The front door opens and shuts. Wilson looks up. He stands as House enters and tosses his backpack. Wilson displays the spine of the book he’s reading.] Wilson: Why are you reading a book by a Unitarian minister? House: Book club. Oprah was going on and on... [He grabs an almost empty half-gallon of milk from the refrigerator.] Wilson: I'm serious. This–this is messed up. House: Patient wrote it. [He smells the milk.] Wilson: No, you've never treated a patient with this name. I looked it up. House: [finally serious.] It's an assignment from my therapist. Wilson: No, it wasn't. No one you respect would give you this and expect it to be helpful. House: It's a book! Wilson: Of sermons. For anyone else, spiritually enlightening. For you, it's practically a psychotic break. [House drinks the milk straight from the carton and tosses it. He leans heavily on the counter.] I know that you have trouble sometimes with the pain without the Vicodin – is that it? Are you so out of options, you're looking for answers in what you consider irrationality? House: I'm all right. Trust me. Wilson: Are you all right because you're back on Vicodin? House: I said, "trust me." Wilson: I know this means something. [He waves the book.] House: Do you mind? I haven't finished it yet. [He takes the book and heads down the hall.] [Cut to the conference room the next morning. House enters. Foreman and Taub are at the table, reading copies of the book. Chase is leaning against the wall behind Foreman. He has a closed copy in his hand.] Taub: Thanks for the gift. Obviously differs from my own personal beliefs, but if these stories have helped you through some spiritual turmoil – House: Read chapter six, entitled "shut the hell up." Foreman: I appreciated the inscription about the benefits of prayer before medical treatments. And I think it's great that you have been called to witness by the Lord. House: Chapter two, "bite me." Chase: [oozing smarm] Hi. Thirteen's giving our patient her third vaccine injection. She's responding well so far. House: Where'd you get all these copies? It's out of print. Chase: I called the author. He's got cartons of the thing in his basement. House: You called him? What'd you say? Chase: That I knew some people who could benefit spiritually from the book. House: Did you mention me? Chase: [puzzled] No, but – [Everyone’s pagers go off.] [Cut to Frankie’s room. The monitor alarms are going off.] Thirteen: [packing ice around Frankie] Fever's at 104. The antibodies tripped her autoimmune response. The vaccine is klling her. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. House and the whole team is there.] Cuddy: Well, clearly it's not working. You have to stop the vaccine. House: Sure. Give up. Let her die on schedule. Cuddy: It's better than speeding up the schedule. How quickly did this come on? Thirteen: She was all right when I woke her this afternoon to give her the second injection. Cuddy: Of the stimulating agent, which, added to the first injection, switched her immune reaction into overdrive. House: Why was she sleeping? Who can sleep in a hospital during the daytime? Chase: I'm not surprised she's tired. She's always been a night owl. Just by treating her, we've completely disrupted her schedule. House: Is that what her blog says? She's a night owl? Chase: No, she told me. House: In what tense? Is? Was? Will have been? Chase: I'm not sure. Cuddy: What are you onto? House: [checking the blog on Cuddy’s computer] Look at the time stamp on this post. 2:30 A.M. Here's one at 4:00 A.M. Foreman: Whatever he's onto doesn't change the fact that she has lymphoma and we gave her a dangerous vaccine. We need to – House: Six months ago, she's posting in the daytime. Two years ago, daytime. That's her natural rhythm. Taub: Day-night reversal. Chase: Sign of liver disease? House: Which doesn't fit lymphoma. Taub: But we know she has lymphoma. House: We know she has the cell atypia that indicates lymphoma. Biopsy her liver. [The team leaves. House turns to Cuddy.] That was pretty cool what I did, right? You wanna make out? [Cut to Frankie’s room.] Chase: You don't have lymphoma. Frankie: But you said my appendix was full of cancer cells. Foreman: your appendix was full of cells that showed a lymphocytic atypia. We now think they were a granulomatous buildup from some unknown cause. Frankie: So... I'm not dying? Chase: You're actually dying more quickly than we thought. Foreman: Unless we figure out what's causing your liver failure... You have three or four days. [Frankie’s mouth moves but nothing comes out. She tries again. On the third try…] Frankie: What the hell do you mean I have three or four days? [Chase and Foreman open the door to leave.] Foreman: Well, we're past denial. [Frankie is crying, curled up against Taylor, who holds her and strokes her head.] [Cut to Diagnostics.] Foreman: Maybe we didn't cause the fever. Taub: We gave her the vaccine, and her fever spiked. Seems to me – Foreman: Yes, but it persisted after we took her off the vaccine. What if it's a new symptom? House: Okay. So we add fever to cell atypia, coagulopathy, kidney, heart, liver... Taub: It has to be an infection. Thirteen: But which one? No one she knows is sick. She hasn't traveled anywhere. There's nothing in the history she gave us. Nothing in her blog. House: There has to be something unique to this infection. Something about its transmission and the way it manifests. There has to be something she's not telling us. Chase: There isn't. She's told us, and everyone else, everything. House: Start her on broad-spectrum antibiotics. [They gape at him, unbelieving.] Since we know everything, we might as well treat for everything. [JJ Grey and Mofro's “The Sun is Shining Down” plays as House reads the blog, paces, plays with his cane and bally and rereads the blog.] ♪ All those simple thoughts ♪ All those peaceful dreams ♪ Share the space ♪ With a hard-worked, hard-worked day ♪ Glory, glory ♪ Hallelujah ♪ The sun is shining ♪ Shining down [House is in front of his computer. His hands are together, under his mouth, in the traditional prayer pose. The door opens.] Wilson: I picked up one of the copies of the book that Chase left in the lounge. House: If you're gonna be this way, I'm not gonna invite you to my baptism. Wilson: First time I'd seen the real dust jacket. The inside back flap, there’s a picture of the author. Imagine how surprised I was when I recognized him. Your biological father is a minister? House: Natural selection is not an infallible force. Wilson: I don't get it. I mean, okay, he was a friend of the family. You'd only known him when you were a kid. But if you wanted to meet him now, get an idea of what he's like, why not just go talk to him? House: "Hi, it's Greg. You slept with my mother." Wilson: You're capable of it. House: I was mildly curious. Enough to read a book, not enough to make a phone call. Wilson: Please. You didn't read this. You studied it. Why? All your life, you've thought this [waves the book] was crap. You can't suddenly turn around and-and build a whole new worldview based on crap. House: [As Wilson talks, House has his epiphany.] Crap. [He gets up and heads to the door.] Wilson: You better not be faking this just to get out of a tough conversation. [Cut to Frankie’s room. House enters.] House: Do you poop? [Frankie looks at Thirteen who looks at House.] Come on. Everybody poops. I read the book in medical school. Sinkers or floaters? Chase: This is the wizard. [Frankie nods that she understands.] House: Greasy and soft or hard and pellet-like? Frankie: Um... Floaters and the first one. House: You just had to be so swoft. You're a hypocrite. No lies, no secrets, but everything stops at your colon. 4,000 pages, not one word about BMs. And I bet yours don't smell at all. Frankie: Nobody wants to hear about that stuff. House: Readers don't. People who don't really care about you don't. But doctors might. The icky stuff changed, right, a few months ago? Frankie: Well, I became a vegetarian. House: A lot of people misunderstand how a vegetarian diet works. You take in less unusable material, and your waste gets more efficient. Harder and rounder. Just look at the feces of rabbits. Seriously. I think I might have some… [He starts to look in his pocket.] Thirteen: Malabsorption. Her system's not retaining the necessary nutrients. House: A G.I. Infection causes malabsorption, granulomatous buildup of cells. It's not contagious since no one around her got sick – Chase and Thirteen: Whipple's disease. House: [looking from one to the other] Let's split the credit. Start her on co-trimoxazole. [to Frankie] We all need some secrets. As long as they don't kll us, they keep us safe and warm. [House leaves, sliding the door closed behind him.] Frankie: I'm... I'm gonna be okay? Chase: You'll still need a new heart valve, and you'll be on meds for a few years, but basically, yeah. Your odds are good. [As Chase and Thirteen leave, she sighs and throws her head back against the pillow. Taylor comes over to hug her. The kiss twice.] Taylor: Thank God. Frankie: I think I wanna go with the pig valve. Taylor: [handing her the laptop] I know you'll go crazy if you don't tell people. Frankie: Thank God you're an enabler. [Cut to the locker room. Chase and Thirteen are putting on their coats. Lochloosa by Mofro plays in the background.] Chase: Do you think people can actually know each other better on the Internet than face-to-face? Thirteen: Faces can be distracting, but there's nothing better than looking into someone's eyes and, well, everything that goes with that. Chase: I don't know. People meet, they like something superficial, and then they fill in the blanks with whatever they want to believe. Thirteen: Why are you so hung up on this? I refuse to believe it's all because you just noticed you have a nice face. You just came off a relationship. You know things go deeper than... Is that what this is about? You and Cameron? Chase: I was the one that pursued her. Maybe I was just filling in the banks. Maybe... maybe the first reaction was right. We were just two people who were in proximity and found each other attractive, and I ne - I never should have... Thirteen: Paranoia. You felt something real. So did she. Don't try to take it back now. [Chase stands, thinking, with his head down. As Thirteen heads for the door he looks up.] Chase: Can I borrow your car? Thirteen: [smiling] No. [He smiles and follows her out of the locker room.] [Cut to House pushing the button for the elevator. Wilson joins him] Wilson: Why would it make more sense for you to read your father's book than to go talk with him? House: Can you write a book? So I can stop talking to you? [They get in the elevator] Wilson: You weren't looking for some big catharsis. You didn't want to hug the guy. You just wanted to know how his head works. How he thinks. House: 'Cause I'm fascinated with how ministers think. Wilson: Because you're not ordinary, House. You're way out there on the fringe somewhere. I'm your best friend, and half the time, I don't understand you. You're alone. Been alone your whole life. [They start across the lobby.] Wilson: When you read that book, you were hoping that somewhere, underneath all that talk of God, there would be a way of thinking, a mind that you could recognize. You wanted what we all want. House: The power to transform into any water-based object? Wilson: To look across the gulf and know there's someone else like you. At least tell me this – did you find something there? [They step outside. It’s snowing. House buttons his coat.] House: Underneath the God stuff... More God stuff. [They walk off. Behind them, Cuddy crosses the lobby. Without looking up, she points above her.] Cuddy: Get maintenance to take that down. [Above the main entrance, a poster covers most of the mural. It’s Wilson, dancing around the f*re with his antlers on. In large letters, the poster says “He was a wild love-god in a world grown too tame.”]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x15 - Private Lives"}	foreverdreaming
[The scene opens with the explsin of a star in space. The camera pulls back to show a sky full of celestial bodies, including an asteroid and a planet. Panning down, it is revealed that the place is actually a round auditorium full of high school students on a field trip to a planetarium] Mr. Damon: It's estimated the observable universe is 93 billion light-years across. It's probably more accure... [As the teacher continues on in the background, the camera pans over to Abby and Nick, sitting together in a back row of the dark auditorium. They are not paying attention to their teacher] Abby: I'm gonna be so far away. Nick: I don't care. I don't want to break up. I'll come on the weekends. Abby: Stanford's on the other side of the country. Nick: My dad has, like, ten million frequent flyer miles. He won't care. [The kid next to Nick passes him a thermos. He takes a drink from it and hands it to Abby, who also takes a sip and coughs loudly] Abby: (coughing) Oh. Mr. Damon: Are we all right over here? Abby: Uh, yes, Mr. Damon. I just had something caught in my throat. Mr. Damon: Abby, you know you're not supposed to have any food or drinks in here. Abby: Oh, it's just water. I have a cough. I didn't want to disturb anyone. Mr. Damon: We can only observe 4% of the universe. The rest of it is unaccounted for. [Nick and Abby continue to ignore the teacher who can still be heard talking in the background] Nick: I never knew you were such a good liar. Abby: Well, a little more vodka, and you might find out some more things you didn't know about me. Nick: Really? Mr Damon: Nicholas. Nick: Yes, sir? Mr Damon: What conclusions can we draw from the incredible number of stars? Nick: That the movie's either gonna be really good or really bad. [The other students chuckle] Mr Damon: I was thinking more about the implications for extraterrestrial life. Nick: Well, I guess if there's an infinite number of stars, odds are there's at least one galaxy with life other than our own Mr Damon: Or Nick: Or... not? Mr. Damon: Or our solar system is somehow unique. The question then becomes, "in what way?" Nick: (quietly to Abby) The question then becomes, "could you possibly teach us anything more useless?" (looking over at Abby who is staring straight up with unblinking eyes) What are you looking at? (He follows her gaze and then, looking back at her, sees that she has red, foam oozing out of her mouth) Nick: Abby? (He gets out of his seat and shakes her gently) Oh, my God. Something's wrong. She's not breathing. Abby? [Mr Damon rushes over to them] Mr. Damon: Call 911. [The scene transitions from the planetarium’s sky into the opening credits] OPENING CREDITS [The scene opens on a close-up of House sitting on the orange sofa in Wilson’s apartment and pouring cereal into a bowl. He picks up a milk carton and pours in some milk. Wilson approaches from behind the couch and the camera pulls back a bit to reveal House in his pajamas and bathrobe, eating a bowl of cereal. There is a piece of toast on the couch beside him. Wilson is fully dressed in a suit and tie] Wilson: Would you mind at least putting a napkin under your jelly toast? House: Get a table, and I won't eat it on the couch. Wilson: (putting on his overcoat) Yes, you will. House: But I won't have a good excuse. [A wide camera sht reveals a room, empty, but for the orange couch, the flatscreen TV, and a few smaller pieces of furniture in the kitchen area] Wilson: Why don't you go get a table? House: Not my condo. Wilson: You have my permission. Pick out whatever you want. House: Then it would be a reflection of me, not you. That wouldn't be right. Wilson: (He picks his keys off the counter and packs his briefcase) No, it would be a reflection of the fact that the guy who's been mooching off of me for as long as I can remember, isn't a complete ingrate. House: (pausing) You've never furnished a home. Wilson: I have furnished a bunch of homes. House: No, you've married a bunch of women, who furnished a bunch of homes. Wilson: You want to eat off something? Fine. Move your piano in here and eat off that. [House rises from the couch to face Wilson] House: You're afraid. Wilson: Of a dining table? You know, they don't actually come to life when you put a knob off your bedpost on them. House: You are what you sit in. Your friends, your job, your furnishings — it all defines you. Wilson: You don't really believe that. You just don't want to do the shopping. [Wilson starts to leave, when House challenges him. House’s words echo off the empty walls and floor of the apartment] House: Buy some furniture, or admit that you're empty inside. Wilson: Huh. [Wilson opens the door and leaves] [Cut to the diagnostics conference room at PPTH. Chase, Thirteen, and Foreman are seated around the table reviewing a patient file] Chase: X-rays confirm the fluid that almost suffocated her to death was from pulmonary edema. Foreman: Means the problem's either in her heart or lungs. Thirteen: Tox screen's clean for everything except the alcohol, and her B.A.C. was barely .05. [House walks into the room] Chase: That means she only had one or two drinks, tops. House: And there's no sign of trauma. Chase: How'd you know? [House props his cane on a chair, then takes off his backpack and coat] House: Because if there was, Cuddy wouldn't have needed me to take the case. Thirteen: How do you know Cuddy? House: Foreman's the only one with the balls to take a case without checking with me, and he's still working on breakfast. Which means that the... (He takes up the patient file and puts it on his forehead as if he has the power of telepathy) 18... no, 17-year-old honor student — Thirteen: Cuddy has a soft spot for smart girls, and they don't start drinking until second semester, senior year. House: So either you think that smart women look out for each other, which means you're an idiot, or you think Cuddy's not smart, which means... well, I guess it's the same both ways. Thirteen: Than how did you — House: Picture fell out of the file. She looks smart. Where's Taub? [Thirteen picks up the photo of the patient, which has fallen on the floor] Thirteen: You don't already know? House: Yeah, he's at home in a fight with his wife. I'm just curious what he wanted me to know. Chase: His car has a flat tire. He's waiting for a tow truck. Foreman: What about rising blood pressure from binge drinking? It could set off a hypertensive crisis, cause heart failure. Chase: Two drinks is hardly a binge. House: (reading the file) Certainly not if you're an Aussie. But when an American schoolgirl has two drinks before 10:00 am, it's a pretty sure bet that the plan is to have a lot more. Probably wasn't the first time she had that plan. Chase: We'll get a C-13-pyruvate MRI to check for cardiac lactic-acid levels. House: Someone call Taub. Tell him to cut the ball and chain on his own time. [Chase prepares to go do the test. House picks up his cane and backpack and heads to his office] [Cut to Taub and his wife Rachel arguing in their bedroom at home. Taub has his cell phone in his hand. He looks at it briefly, then puts it in his pocket] Taub: We're arguing about couples yoga? Rachel: No. We're arguing over the fact that we don't ever do anything together anymore. Taub: We don't ever do anything together? Rachel: Chris, I love you, but I swear, if you start talking to me like I'm on the witness stand again, I'm gonna break your neck. Taub: Honey, we do stuff together all the time. [Taub grabs his suitcoat off a chair and puts it on] Rachel: Really? Like what? Besides sleeping, watching tv, going out to dinner, what do we do together, just the two of us? Taub: We... You don't like going out to dinner? All right, I'll do the yoga. Rachel: Forget it. Taub: Now you don't want me to do it? Rachel: Just go to work. Taub: No. I'm not leaving until we work this out. Rachel: I'm fine. Please, just go. [Taub leaves for work] [Cut to Taub standing in the elevator at PPTH. Nick and his father are in the elevator also. As the elevator reaches their floor, all three men get off. Taub goes to the desk and picks up a file. Nick and his dad are looking into the rooms. Not seeing Abby, Nick turns to Taub] Nick: Where's Abby Nash? I'm Nick, her boyfriend. (nodding toward his father) This is my dad. Artie: Hi. Taub: You can wait in — Nick: Where is she? Is she okay? [Taub sighs and glances at the file] Taub: She's having some tests run. Nick: Is she okay? Taub: (sighing and reading from the file) We think her drinking may have damaged her heart. Nick: Her heart? No, she doesn't drink, not that much. Taub: Just when she's at school? Artie: Nick, what's he talking about? Nick: It was a field trip. One of the kids had a fake I.D. But dad, you know Abby. Tell him. Artie: Well, I know what she's like when the two of you are around me, but... Taub: If you're right, the tests will come back negative. Nick: Can you give her a message? I brought her homework... and I love her. [Cut to Abby inside the MRI machine as the platform rolls into place. Taub enters the control room. Chase is sitting at the control panel] Taub: Sorry I'm late. (He keys the mic and speaks to Abby) Nick loves you. (He sits down beside Chase) Chase: House doesn't believe you got a flat tire. Taub: What does he think I was doing? Chase: Fighting with the wife. Taub: Why would I lie about that? (Chase shrugs and Taub sighs) She wants me to do yoga. Chase: (looking at the monitor) We need thinner cuts. [Taub enters the command on the keyboard and turns back to Chase] Taub: When you and Cameron had disagreements — Chase: I'm probably not, the best guy to go to for marital advice. Taub: Sorry. It's just — Chase: Punch in to the mitral valve. Taub: All right, I get the message. Chase: (looking at the monitor) No — no, I'm serious. What is that? [The camera zooms into the view on the monitor and then the sht transitions to the film on the lit wall of the radiology viewing room. The team is viewing the MRI results] Thirteen: Could be a fungus. Foreman: E.R. drew blood cultures — all negative, no parasites, no fungus. Taub: It could be fastidious enteric bacteria. House: You think she's been eating your wife's cooking? Hey, I'm on your side, man. Taub: I am not fighting with my wife. I had a flat tire. It's in my trunk. You can go look at it if you want. House: Don't need to. Face tells me you're bluffing. (Taub looks at him questioningly) Not yours — Chase's. Foreman: If she was infected through the intestinal tract, she'd have intestinal symptoms. Taub: There are other ways to get enteric bacteria into the bloodstream. Chase: She's not an intravenous drug user, she has no tattoos, and she doesn't have any scars that would indicate she's a cutter. Thirteen: Transesophageal Echo could give us a better idea of what we're looking at. Taub: If that valve is about to dehisce, echo could trigger a heart attck. House: So come up with a better idea or have a crash cart ready. [Cut to a procedure room where Taub and Thirteen are performing the Transesophageal Echo on Abby, who is sedated] Thirteen: Why are you lying to House? Chase told me. What's the big deal? Taub: Maybe we can talk about this another time... or never. Thirteen: I really don't think she's gonna tell anyone. Taub: If I admit we're fighting, he's gonna want to know what about. Thirteen: So tell him, or tell him it's none of his business. Taub: This is easier. Thirteen: Really? Because it seems much harder. What do I know? I'm not a guy. Taub: Yes... If only I could be as open about my emotional life as you are. Thirteen: It's not about the yoga. Taub: Really? I thought it was, since we spent an hour talking about yoga, but what do I know? I'm not a girl. Thirteen: My guess is she thinks you don't want to spend time with her because you're spending it with someone else. Taub: If she thinks I'm cheating, she would ask. Thirteen: Because you'd tell the truth? Taub: I'm not seeing anyone else. Thirteen: Doesn't matter. You have a history. And that's not her fault. Taub: So what am I supposed to do? I can't prove a negative. Thirteen: That is a problem. [Thirteen has inserted the scope into Abby’s esophagus. Taub and Thirteen are looking at the image on the monitor. Abby is choking slightly] Thirteen: There's the heart. Taub: Valves look fine — no vegetations, no myxomatous changes. [Abby continues to choke] Thirteen: Can you give her a little more sedative? [Taub moves to give Abby the sedative, when the machine start beeping and Abby starts gagging] Thirteen: She's dissecting. Taub: She's rupturing. Get the scope out. [Thirteen pulls out the scope. Abby is writhing in pain] Abby: Aah! [Cut to Abby being rushed down the hall on a gurney. Abby is screaming] Thirteen: This doesn't make sense. Her B.P. is normal, and her heart rate was controlled. Taub: We'll figure it out later. We've only got about 30 seconds to get her open. [Cut to Abby undergoing emergency surgery. Her chest cavity is open and her heart is exposed] Taub: No leakage from cannulation site. Thirteen: Nice. Taub: Let's see if she'll start up. Thirteen: Cardiac paddle. [A nurse hands Thirteen the paddles and she places them on either side of Abby’s heart] Taub: Charging. (The machine whines) And go. (machine zaps) Taub: Come on. Thirteen: Again. (machine whines) Taub: Go. (machine zaps) Taub: Pushing five ccs adrenaline. (He pushes the syringe) Zap her again. Thirteen: No. [Thirteen puts aside the paddles and begins to manually massage Abby’s heart] Taub: It's not working. Clear. (Thirteen does not move aside) Clear. [Thirteen opens her hands to reveal a beating heart. The monitor begins beeping] Thirteen: Normal sinus rhythm. Taub: Thank God. [Cut to post-op room. Abby is still unconscious and hooked up to a lot of machinery. Nick, his dad, Artie, and Abby’s mom, June, are gathered around her bed] [Cut to the diagnostics conference room where House and the team are running a new differential] Taub: T.E.E. and intra-operative visualization showed no vegetations on the valves, no structural abnormalities. Foreman: The dissection means we were wrong about alcohol causing a hypertensive crisis. House: And by "we" you mean "you." Foreman: Yeah. You were the one who didn't have any better ideas. House: It's not my fault. I was busy trying to judge Taub. Taub: Since we already ruled out trauma, the dissection's probably a genetic defect. Foreman: We're running the tests. She's not marfanoid. Thirteen: What about an allergy? A severe enough one could set off a systemic immune reaction, cause fluid in the lungs, and inflammation that could weaken the aorta. Chase: If it was an allergy, she'd be getting better in the hospital, not worse. Thirteen: Unless it was inside her. House: Meaning? [Cut to Taub and Thirteen talking to Nick and his father in the hallway] Nick: You want my sperm? Thirteen: We think a severe allergic reaction could be causing systemic breakdown. Artie: To my son's sperm? Taub: Actually, his semen is more likely the problem, which, I realize is not what you were reacting to. Thirteen: When's the last time the two of you had unprotected sex? Nick: Never. I use a condom. Taub: You always use a condom... For everything? Nick: (hesitantly) Well, for most everything. Thirteen: When? Nick: The night before she collapsed. [Cut to Abby’s hospital room. Abby’s mom is with her. Foreman is also in the room] Chase: I'm placing a drop of Nick's semen protein onto the skin. Then I'll abrade it with a needle, check for a rash in an hour or so. Abby: Mom, come on... we've been dating for three years. June: Look, I'm not mad, sweetheart. I'm just, confused. Foreman: A systemic reaction can be triggered by the protein in semen. In most cases, the reaction is fairly minor. But in rare cases, repeat exposure can trigger a hypersensitivity response. June: Repeat exposure? Ugh, I know, I know — three years. Abby: Is it supposed to hurt? Foreman: The reaction should take longer than... Abby: No, it's not that. Ow. Foreman: Abby, what's wrong? Abby: My stomach. [Abby starts groaning] Chase: Blood in the urine. Abby: Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Help me! Aah! [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House and the team are running a new differential] Foreman: No allergic reaction. On the other hand, now her kidneys are failing. Taub: Could be some kind of neuropathy. Syphilitic lightning pains? House: It's not syphilis. VDRL and enzyme immunoassays were negative. Thirteen: What about a blood clot? House: While she's on anticoagulants from the aortic surgery? Taub: Interstitial nephritis? House: Wouldn't cause the edema or dissection. Chase: But cancer could. House: Would you care to be a little more specific? Chase: If I could, I would have. Foreman: We could do a full-body scan. House: We hate full-body scans. Foreman: And by "we" you mean "you." We also hate when a patient dies before we figure out what's wrong with them. House: Do the scan. [Cut to Taub and Foreman doing the full body scan] Taub: How can you convince someone you're not cheating on them? Foreman: Don't cheat. After a while, they'll catch on. Taub: What if I don't want to wait that long? Foreman: Take them with you wherever you go for 24 hours a day. So your wife's a little insecure. Is that so bad? At least you know she still cares. Taub: I know she cares. What I want is, for her to be happy. (Foreman looks as though he doesn’t believe him) What? You don't think I want my wife to be happy? Foreman: Sure... As long as it makes you happy. [Cut to House entering Wilson’s condo. He sees a modern looking bowl sitting on a table in the entryway. He walks into the main room, which is now completely furnished with a blue overstuffed sofa, loveseat, and chair] Wilson: (coming into the room) What do you think? House: I think you work quickly. Wilson: Piece of cake, you give them money, they give you furniture. Not bad, huh? House: Nope. It's not “bad” at all. [House walks away, leaving Wilson wondering what House really thinks] [Back to the hospital where Abby is still in the imaging machine] Abby: It's taking a really long time. Foreman: Just hang in there and try not to talk unless you really have to. It can affect the images. [Abby hears a sound like the wind blwing] Abby: What was that? Hello? Are you still there? [She is feeling the machine shake and rumble] Abby: I think there's something wrong with the machine. Foreman: It's not the machine. It's an earthquake. Hold on. We'll get you out. Abby: (pulling out the nasal cannula) Get me out now. [She hears rattling and looks up to see other pieces of medical equipment rolling and bumping into the imaging machine. She hears and feels wind and the medical equipment is pulled toward the wall opposite the imaging machine. The wall bulges, then explodes outward pulling the medical equipment into a black hole. Abby, herself, begins to slide toward the black hole. She tries desperately to hold on to the sides of the imaging machine] Abby: Aah! Ugh! [Other debris is flying through the machine past Abby as she is gradually pulled toward the black hole. She grunts and groans as she tries to hold on to the end of the imaging machine] Abby: Ugh! AAAaaagh! AAAaahhhhh! Abby: Oh, my God! I can't hold on! [She finally cannot hold on any longer and is pulled back into the spinning black hole] Abby: AAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! [The thunk and whine of the machine can be heard as Foreman slides the platform out of the machine. Abby is staring straight up as if in a daze] Abby: It's a black hole. Foreman: She's hallucinating. Taub: I certainly hope so. [Foreman pulls out a light scope and checks Abby’s eyes] [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. The entire team is assembled] Thirteen: Hallucination means brain problem. Chase: Brain problems don't split your aorta. Foreman: A vascular problem could explain both. Inflammation in the blood-vessel walls leads to dissection in the aorta and could cause an aneurysm in the brain that could cause the visions. [The camera has pulled back to reveal Taub texting on his phone. House is watching him] Thirteen: It's a bit convoluted, but brain and heart function are susceptible too. Taub: (texting to Rachel) Whatcha doing? House: If there was any sign of inflammation of the aorta, that would make sense. [Cut to Taub’s wife Rachel texting while grocery shopping] Rachel: (texting back) groceries. [Rachel’s cell phone chirps] Taub: (texting) What r u wearing? Rachel: (texting) U don’t want to know. House: (texting) Take off your shirt. Rachel: (texting) R u nuts? House: (texting) Touch yourself. [Back in the diagnostics office House is seen holding Taub’s cell phone up out of Taub’s reach and texting to Rachel. He is holding Taub back with his other arm. Taub is flailing, like a small child trying to get a favorite toy back from a sadistic big brother] Taub: House! It's not funny. I got enough problems already. House: Trust me. This is gonna help. [Foreman grabs the phone out of House’s hand and gives it back to Taub] Foreman: An aneurysm explains the hallucinations. And it's the one thing we haven't excluded from the differential. [Taub is busily texting his wife, probably trying to explain the previous messages] House: (to Taub) Your texting does not prove you're faithful. It just proves you know she thinks you're unfaithful. Can't force trust. (turning back to the case) What did she hallucinate? Thirteen: The content of the hallucination isn't relevant. House: Not usually. Foreman: Not ever. House: We know nothing, brain knows all. You get an ulcer, you don't know it, but the brain increases mucin secretions. It knows what the problem is, knows where the problem is. Foreman: It's a big logical jump from a body's immune response to the brain giving subconscious diagnostic clues. Chase: What about dreaming about waterfalls, running streams if you need to go to the bathroom? Foreman: Sure. That's the same as the brain shouting, "you have pancreatic cancer." House: Her subconscious is trying to tell her something. We need to eavesdrop. Taub: She was screaming she was being sucked into a black hole, so, we should look for a tumor in her anus? House: We need the whole story. The cognitive pattern recognition program might tell us what's going on in her head. Foreman: Or we could act on something based in science, not science fiction. Get an MRA with contrast to see if she has an aneurysm, unless you think Cuddy's gonna go for the mind reading. House: Fine. Do the MRA. When it comes back negative, we can move on to the... crazy but possible ideas. (the team leaves) [Cut to Wilson entering his condo after a run. He is sweaty and breathing heavily. He walks into the main room and stands there, looking at the room, which is now empty except for the TV] [Cut to House eating in the PPTH cafeteria. Wilson approaches and sits down. For a moment, he just stares at House accusingly. House stares back, pretending to have no clue] Wilson: (clearing his throat) What did you do with the furniture? House: I returned it. Wilson: You told me to buy it. House: But you didn't buy it. You rented it. You made one phone call to (reading from a business ad) Economy Furniture Supply — "we get it done so you don't have to." Wilson: So what? We had a table, chairs — House: But no clue what any of it meant. Wilson: Fine. I'll hire a decorator. House: Perfect. Another woman to tell you who you are. Wilson: I'll hire a male decorator. House: Step inside one furniture store and find one thing you like. Wilson: I like, not doing this. House: One. [Cut to a close-up of Abby’s eye. She is just waking up] Nick: (in a voice that sounds distorted) Abby Abby: (looking over at Nick) Hi. Where's my mom? Nick: She went down to get some breakfast. How are you feeling? Abby: Well, besides the fact that I can barely breathe and I ache all over, not good. Nick: Anything I can do? Abby: Just don't go. Nick: I'm not going anywhere. [Nick gets up an gently kisses Abby. Taub and Foreman can be seen outside the door to the room] Nick: Been a while since we've gone more than a day without doing that. Nick: (as an hallucination in Abby’s mind) I'm not going anywhere. Abby: What'd you say? Nick: I've been thinking. Nick: (as an hallucination in Abby’s mind) Been a long time since we went more than a day without doing that. [Abby knows that something is wrong. The room goes quiet and she now sees a younger version of herself standing at the bottom of her bed] Hallucination of Young Abby: We have a secret. Nick: Now, you don't need to answer right now, but... (he opens a ring box) Abby, I want to marry you. Hallucination of Young Abby: Tell him the secret. It's okay. Abby: Something's wrong. Nick: What? [Foreman and Taub who have been giving them their privacy during an intimate moment, now come into the room] Foreman: Abby, what are you feeling? Abby: I don't know. Hallucination of Young Abby: Your secret is klling you. Abby: I see, um... maybe it's all the medication. I'm just — um... [The hallucination of young Abby is now standing beside the bed and shaking Abby’s arm] Taub: Abby. Can you hear me? Hallucination of Young Abby: You deserve to die. [Abby starts to seize] Foreman: (to the nurses) We need four milligrams lorazepam. [The monitor is beeping rapidly] [Cut to close-up of a print-out of Abby’s brain waves. The camera pulls back to reveal that it is House holding the print-out. He and the team are sitting around the diagnostics room conference table] Taub: She seized for over a minute. Foreman: Inner-ictal E.E.G. showed no synchronous discharges. House: And the MRA? Foreman: No aneurysms or arterial or venous malformations in the brain. House: As predicted. What did we say we'd move on to? Thirteen: Out-of-body experiences can be induced by sensory overload in the temporoparietal junction. Foreman: Temporoparietal junction was clean on MRI, MRA, and whole-body scan. House: Which just leaves us with the question of, what happened during the out-of-body experience? Taub: If I say her blood pressure sht up over 200 and she bit her tongue, would that be a satisfactory answer? House: Sure. If you then went on to answer the following — Did she float above her body? Did she see Jesus? Did she bathe in the Ganges? Foreman: No, no, and no. Can we get back to the medical science? House: No. Taub: She claims she emerged from her body as a younger version of herself and started talking. She couldn't remember what was discussed. Foreman: But I'm sure it wasn't a differential. House, cognitive pattern recognition is 50 years from being a useful diagnostic tool. Chase: Even if we can get the equipment, it takes hours for the initial mapping. If she has another seizure, she could stroke out. House: Coincidentally, she could also have a stroke if we do nothing. Foreman: I'm not telling a mother who's scared out of her mind that our best sht is a magic trick. House: It's not magical. It's experimental. Just like washing your hands after pooping once was. And technically, it's not our best sht. I'm pretty sure it's our only sht. [Taub, Foreman, Chase and Thirteen all look at House, but say nothing] House: Perfect. So, Foreman, go get her consent. The rest of you go down to the cog sci lab. Equipment should already be there. [The team leaves the diagnostics office. As they exit, the elevator dings and Taub looks up to see his wife getting off the elevator] Taub: I'll catch up. [Taub approaches Rachel in the hall and they kiss] Rachel: Thanks for the invite. I'm not sure I'm up for the hospital food. Taub: Good, 'cause I wasn't planning on lunch. [Cut to Foreman talking to Abby, her mom, Nick, and his dad in Abby’s room] Foreman: While you watch video clips, a computer maps how your brain processes the images. June: How long will it take? Foreman: Six hours. But that's really just the prep. Once the computer maps how she processes the information, we'll put her under twilight sedation, use the same equipment to monitor her unconscious thoughts. Foreman: Hopefully, it'll spit out a very basic video of whatever's going on in her head. Abby: And what will that tell you? Foreman: Hopefully, it'll give us a clue as to where your brain thinks the problem is. Artie: A lot of "hopefullys." Nick: Could it hurt her? Foreman: We're at a diagnostic dad end. We've got to try something. [June takes the clipboard from Foreman to sign the consent form] [Cut to Taub and Rachel making out in a car in the PPTH parking garage] Rachel: This is much better than lunch. Taub: I agree. Rachel: What made you think of this? Taub: I missed you. Rachel: No, I-I mean this — car, in the parking lot. I just don't like feeling like maybe this isn't the first time you've done this. Taub: It's the first. I love you. You know that, right? Rachel: Yes. Taub: I want you to be able to trust me. Rachel: And I want to, but — [There is a tapping on the car window. Taub rolls it down to reveal House standing outside the car. He leans down and looks in the window] House: Inspiration point doesn't open till after dark. Got a real cool magic show about to start. Also, I'm gonna need to check your spare. [Cut to Abby in the cog sci lab. She is sitting in front of a monitor, which is flashing images of her thoughts. The seemingly random images flash rapidly one after another. The team is in a glassed-in control room] [The camera focuses briefly on Taub, then on Abby’s ring finger, and back to Taub. Abby is wearing the ring Nick gave her. Taub is looking at the ring] Chase: Abby, can you think of something specific? Abby: Like what? Chase: Doesn't matter. Just make it a single image. [The team watches in amazement as the image on the monitor starts to form into a recognizable image of a person swinging a baseball bat] Thirteen: (to Abby) What are you thinking? Abby: About Nick playing baseball. Taub: Holy crap. Chase: That's amazing. Foreman: Yeah. Now all we have to do is read her subconscious and hope that it's completely rational and went to med school. Chase: Does anything get you excited? [Taub, Thirteen, and Chase all look at Foreman who seems nonplussed] [Cut to Wilson examining a wooden dining table in a furniture store. A saleswoman approaches] Saleswoman: Can I help you with something? Wilson: Yes. Uh, I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about this dining table. Saleswoman: It's made of wood, and you eat off it. Wilson: So you're paid by commission? Saleswoman: It's furniture. Find something you like. Let me know, I’ll ring it up. Wilson: Thank you so much. [What follows is a montage of Wilson trying out various pieces of furniture. He seems to be attracted to the more unusual and modern pieces. He walks by one overstuffed armchair and sitting down in it, finds himself sinking down further than he would like] Wilson: Okay, that's — that's not the one. (He gets up immediately) [Cut to Wilson looking underneath a table which appears to be made of cast iron with a marble top. A different saleswoman approaches] Gabiella: That is a remarkable collection, if I can show it to you. I'm Gabriella. Wilson: I'm really just looking for a nice dining room table. Gabriella: I see. You're daring. Wilson: Yes, I do that sometimes, but... right now, why am I daring? Gabriella: You're not constrained by rules. What else attracts you in the patio section? Wilson: Wait, this is a patio table — for outside? (He walks away from Gabriella) [Back to the cognitive imaging lab. House has joined the team in the control room] Foreman: Well, it's taken us just over an hour to prove that she has a very boring subconscious. House: Anyone ever tell you you can be a real buzzkill? All but Foreman: Yes. Taub: (looking at the monitor) Stars? Maybe that's a stripe? House: It's the sky. She's thinking about the moon and the stars and the sky. Foreman: She's going to Stanford to study physics. It's not a big revelation that she'd think about the sky. Chase: Or, star could be a white blood cell. Leukemia? [The image on the monitor begins to form into the shape of a person. House leans down to look at it more closely] House: Who's that? Thirteen: Her dad? He died when she was eight. House: What did daddy die of? Thirteen: Um, private-plane crash — no connection. Foreman: Stars, moon, sky, white blood cells, heart valves, black holes, or anus, or a million other circular passageways into the body, and her dad. Chase: (looking up at House) What do you think it means? House: She likes school, and she has daddy issues — Neither of which helps us. [Cut to the diagnostics room. The team in gathered around the conference table. House is holding and examining the model of a human brain as if it will give him answers] Chase: So now what do we do? Start over? We obviously missed something. Thirteen: What about the liver? Taub: What about her left toe? Oh, sorry. I thought we were randomly picking out body parts that had nothing to do with her symptoms. Thirteen: Liver's responsible for proteins, immunological effects, production of red blood cells. Might be able to explain the lungs, the hallucinations. House: (still examining the model of the brain) Not the aortic dissection. Chase: Kidneys are also failing. We add in polycystic disease, could explain the dissection. House: So that's one imperfect theory, plus a rare complication of a second theory, which gives us a complete explanation. Don't polish the notion, Foreman. Foreman: Pineal gland is calcified. Taub: It's supposed to be calcified. Happens after puberty. Foreman: What if it's obscuring a tumor? It's the only place we couldn't look inside. House: Get a better look at her pineal gland with three tesla fast spin echo MRI. (The team leaves to do the test) [Cut to Cuddy sitting behind her desk. Wilson is pacing] Cuddy: You're pacing my office 'cause you're buying furniture? Wilson: No, I'm pacing your office because I'm physically incapable of buying furniture. Cuddy: For Amber's old place? Wilson: (hesitating guiltily) Yeah. Uh, it needs some new — Cuddy: I know you bought the place I wanted. You're a jerk. Let's move on. Hire a decorator. Wilson: I'm supposed to find, me. Cuddy: Backpack through Europe. (she starts writing something on a notepad) I know it's hard to believe, but you know what says even more about who you are than your furniture? The fact that you are letting House tell you how to buy furniture. (tearing off the note she wrote and handing it to Wilson) Call Beatrice. [Cut to House’s office. He is rewatching the images from the cognitive imaging lab. Foreman walks in and House looks up] Foreman: MRI revealed no remarkable features on her pineal gland. But there were slightly elevated levels of lactate dehydrogenase isoenzymes. House: Which we would expect to see if there was an allergic reaction happening. Foreman: There's definitely no allergy. [House sighs and rubs his forehead in frustration] Foreman: Parasite? There's this Middle Eastern parasite — House: (angry because they have reached a dad end) How exactly do you want to be sht down? On the basis of the fact that she's never been within 6,000 miles of the Middle East, or on the basis of the fact that all our scans and urine samples came back clean? (sighing) And yet she’s still failing, system after system. (sighing again) So, either we find the answer at autopsy or... Foreman: What? House: I got nothin'. [A quick camera cut to Abby in her hospital bed and than a transition sht to House standing over the results of the full body scan in the radiology viewing room. The camera pans up to reveal the light-box walls covered with other film images. The scene time-lapses as House paces, sits, and lies down on the viewing table. He spins and twirls his cane, and occasionally pauses to examine scan results. Taub walks in, jerking House out of his thoughts as he leans over the full body scan results] Taub: I was gonna head out. If there's any change, I assume you'll page me? House: Are you having an affair? Does it bother you that your wife doesn't have the guts to actually ask that question, and I do? Taub: On both ends, yes. House: Difference is, I'm not afraid of the answer. And I might believe you. Taub: I'm not having an affair. House: But you want to. Taub: No, I don't. I'm through living like that. House: Why? What, you finally got to the point where half your age plus seven just isn't young enough? Taub: Talk to you later, House. House: Or is it because you now really are old enough to be their — (He pauses as the answer suddenly comes to him) The dad. Does he travel for work? Taub: What do you mean, "does he"? He died almost ten years ago. House: Not hers, her boyfriend's. He's the one in her visions. [Cut to Nick’s dad Artie standing in the hallway outside Abby’s room. Nick and Abby’s mom, June are in the room with Abby. House approaches] House: I'm your son's girlfriend's doctor. Artie: Oh. House: It's a mouthful, but probably not as tricky as your title. Artie: Um, okay. Is Abby gonna be all right? House: Do you travel a lot? Artie: Yeah, I have a food-import business. Why? House: Where'd you go? Artie: All over — France, Italy, the mediterranean. Why? House: I think you exposed her to a parasite. Artie: Oh. I thought the scans didn't show any. House: Because she doesn't have any. Artie: But you just said — House: It's cool. My theory is that her body was able to kll off the parasite, but what it couldn't do was get rid of the shell, which doesn't show up on the scans. That little piece of microscopic garbage set off an allergic reaction called cerebellar schistosomiasis delayed hypersensitivity allergy, or cusdehaaa. Risky, unpleasant treatment, but completely curable. Artie: Well, that's fantastic. House: You'd think so, wouldn't you? Only thing is, did you ever have sex with your son's girlfriend? Artie: Where the hell do you get off asking — House: Shut up! See, I can't treat this unless I can confirm it, and the only way she could have been exposed to this parasite is sexually, which means she's gonna die very soon unless you admit that you slept with her. [The room door opens and Nick and June join House and Artie] Nick: Dad? What's going on? House: (walking around behind Artie so that he is now facing his son) Gee, this is bad, because you now have to choose between her living and the truth becoming public. And frankly, given what the truth is, it's a tough call. Artie: (rationalizing) You'd broken up. House: (to Nick) Your girlfriend is not allergic to your semen. She's allergic to the Egyptian parasite swimming around in your dad's semen. Nick: You slept with Abby? Artie: I was drunk. We both... House: No need to explain. Technically, she was legal. [Nick looks angry and betrayed as he turns and walks away from his father. June just looks plain angry] Artie: Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait! House: Hey... All things considered, it's actually great news. [House slaps Artie on the shoulder and leaves him to deal with the mess he has gotten himself into] [Cut to House walking into the main room of Wilson’s condo. There is new furniture, two rather modern off-white sofas with lots of pillows, and a glass coffee table, sitting on what looks like an oriental rug. There is also a dining table in front of the kitchen island. Wilson walks in from the other hallway] Wilson: So what do you think? House: You wussed out, and used a decorator. Wilson: Why can't that be me — The wuss who loves decorators? House: 'cause it's not. Wilson: Okay. It's not. But don't return it. I can't keep doing this. House: You have to. You can't keep letting other people define you. [House notices a large, cloth covered piece of furniture standing in the corner and walks over to it] House: Not another elephant. [He pulls the cloth off to reveal an organ. He smiles and plays a few notes of Bach's Toccata & Fugue in d-minor] House: Decorator didn't pick this. Wilson: You're gonna have to buy your own cape. [House leans his cane against the wall and sitting down on the bench, plays a few notes from Phantom of the Opera (overture] House: (turning to look at Wilson) I like what this says about you, Wilson. [Wilson looks pleased. House turns back to the organ and begins to play Procol Harum’s A Whiter Shade of Pale. The camera moves away from House and into the PPTH operating room where Abby is undergoing surgery, as the music transitions from House playing the organ to Procol Harum performing their own song] [As the music continues to play, the camera moves to show Artie, sitting with Nick in a hospital hallway, and trying to make things right with his son. Nick leaves his father and the scene transitions to Rachel and Chris Taub’s wedding album] [The camera pulls back to reveal Taub, sitting on his couch at home, looking through the album. Rachel joins him as they continue to look at their wedding pictures] Rachel: (pointing to a picture) I don't remember him at the wedding. Do you? Taub: I don't remember most of the people who were at our wedding. (He closes the album, puts it down, and gets down on his knees in front of his wife) Which is why... I thought I'd ask the love of my life to marry me. (He opens a ring box and presents it to Rachel) Rachel: We're already married. Taub: I want to be better at it. [He takes the ring from the box and places it on his wife’s ring finger next to her wedding ring] Rachel: Oh, it's beautiful. [Taub and Rachel kiss and with the A Whiter Shade of Pale still playing, the camera cuts first to an external sh*t of PPTH and than inside to the hallway outside of Abby’s room, where Taub is talking to Nick. Nick goes into Abby’s room. Taub watches through the glass as House approaches] House: What'd you tell him? Taub: That it doesn't mean she doesn't love him. House: And he bought it? Taub: (seriously) It's true. House: Your wife say yes? Taub: How did you know — House: Monkey see, monkey do. At least he has the young and stupid excuse. Taub: She said yes. House: (sincerely) Good for you. Taub: Thank you. [Taub walks away and House looks into the room where Nick and Abby share a kiss. He turns to see a blond nurse put her hand on Taub’s shoulder as they walk away from the nurses’ station together. House’s expression suggests that he is not completely sure of Taub’s commitment to his wife] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x16 - Black Hole"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a blue blur. It’s a light. A blurry doctor, wearing a mask, holds an oxygen mask. Blurry people in scrubs can be seen. A forceps is passed across the field of vision. Everything is from Sarah’s point of view and she is giving birth. A newborn baby is in clear focus. A hospital ID which reads “Lozinski” and “Girl,” is put on her ankle. A scale is adjusted. She weighs 5 pounds, 2 ounces, which is duly written on a form. She lets out her first cry.] Donald : [voice over] How about the name Brooke? Sarah: [voice over] She just doesn't seem like a Brooke anymore. Donald: [voice over] Brook Lynn. [Sarah, who is lying in bed, laughs.] Sarah: She's a baby, not a city. [Donald is sitting on a chair, holding the baby. He turns to seven-year-old Walker, who is on the couch.] Donald: What do you think, bud? Got any suggestions? Walker: Toadette. I'm hungry. Donald: [quietly] I'll get you guys something to eat. [He puts Toadette in the bassinette. She fusses a bit.] You're okay. Okay. [Cut to the lobby. Chase jumps down two stairs and enters. He’s whistling and looking at his pager. He goes to the front desk.] Chase: I was paged? [The receptionist looks toward the front door. Cameron gets up from the bench where she has been waiting. She hasn’t taken off her coat. She’s holding a large manila envelope.] What are you doing here? Cameron: Can we talk somewhere? [Cut to Sarah’s room. It’s dark. Donald comes in, carrying a full tray.] Donald: I was thinking Doroth — [He realizes everyone is asleep. He puts some food on the table in front of Walker and the rest on Sarah’s bed table. He looks in the bassinette.] Sarah? [She wakes up.] Sarah: Um. Yeah. Donald: Where's the baby? [As what he said sinks in, Sarah starts sitting up and looks panicky.] [Cut to a security monitor. Cuddy, flanked by Nurses Maldonado and Smits and followed by two guards is seen striding down the hall. They enter the unit.] Voice on Walkie Talkie: Attention all units… Smits: No one saw anyone go in or out, and the baby's not in the nursery. Cuddy: What was her condition? Maldonado: Five weeks preterm. C-section because her mom's preeclampsia. Cuddy: Is that the father? [approaches Donald] Mr. Lozinski. I'm Dr. Lisa Cuddy, Dean of Medicine. How long were you out of the room? Donald: Um, 15, 20 minutes tops. Cuddy: [to Smits] Was there a proximity alarm? Smits: No alarms. Donald: What's that? Cuddy: The bracelet on your baby's ankle has a microchip that would set off alarms if she was carried through an exit. [to the staff] Call the police. Shut down all the exits. We are on lockdown. Nobody moves until we find that baby. [Opening credits] [Cut to the Clinic. It’s almost dark in the exam room Chase and Cameron are using. They stand as far away from each other as possible in the small room.] Cameron: Why won't you sign the divorce papers? Chase: It's been on my to-do list. Sorry. Cameron: Will you sign them? Chase: Not until we have a real conversation about our marriage. Cameron: Okay. I made a mistake coming here. I'm sorry. I'm gonna leave... this copy here. [She puts the envelope on the exam table and walks out, closing the door behind her. Chase makes a fed-up gesture at the door as it closes. In the Clinic waiting room Cameron stops mid-stride as a security guard locks the door to the clinic. He gestures to her that he’s locking her in on purpose.] Loud Speaker: Code seven. Code seven. All non-essential personnel and guests please remain where you are. Security personnel should report to their staging areas and await further instructions. All patients, please remain in your rooms, and use call buttons if you need medical assistance. Please remain calm and wait for hospital personnel to come to you. Do not try to leave your room until the code seven has been lifted. Please clear hallways. [During the instructions, the following can be seen:] [Cut to the cafeteria. It is almost empty. Wilson is paying for a cup of coffee.] [Cut to medical records. Basically, it’s a large room with row after row of metal bookshelves. Large boxes are on all the shelves.] Taub has an open file in his hand. He closes it and looks annoyed.] [In the cafeteria. Wilson and Thirteen see each other. She’s at a table behind the partition. He nods.] [In medical records, Taub glances at some boxes. A large red sticker is on one. It reads “PPTH Personnel Confidential”] [On a patient floor, a nurse is getting ready to move a cart. A guard approaches her.] Guard: Nurse, just leave it. [annoyed] Leave it. You need to get into the room now. [He half pushes her into the room.] Loud Speaker: Please notify hospital personnel or police immediately if you see anything suspicious. [House sticks his head around a corner on a patient floor. He starts down the empty hall.] Loud Speaker: We cannot allow anyone to leave the hospital at this time. All personnel should remain in their staging areas unless otherwise instructed by security. [A guard comes through the swinging door behind House and clears his throat.] House: Yeah, yeah, yeah, gotta clear the — [He slides open a door and steps in.] Loud Speaker: Thank you for your patience and cooperation. [As he slides the door closed, the loud speaker can no longer be heard.] [Cut to Sarah’s room. She’s a mess.] Another Guard: And did anyone other than your nurses ever come by asking about your daughter? Sarah: No. No, just those two. [Cuddy enters, quietly.] Another Guard: I'll check in soon. Sarah: Wait. [Sarah starts to get out of bed. Donald tries to stop her. Walker watches, impassively.] Donald: What are you doing? Sarah: No, I need to help them look. [She doubles over.] Ow! Cuddy: You have to stay in bed. You pulled a stitch. Lay back down. [quietly to Donald] I got it. [to Sarah] Why don't I give you something to help you relax? Sarah: No, no, I don't want to relax. I want to find my baby. Cuddy: The police are searching room by room. Sarah: Who would take her? What if she needs to be fed? Cuddy: We're gonna find her. Donald: Why aren't the police talking to our nurse? [Cuddy turns. Smits is standing at the nurses’ station.] [Cut to the cafeteria. Wilson has joined Thirteen at her table.] Thirteen: What now? Wilson: Truth or dare? Thirteen: Oh, no, you don't want to mess with me. True or dare queen at Newton North. Wilson: I was kidding. I'm sure we can find something interesting to talk about without relying on some juvenile game. Thirteen: Sure. [Wilson laughs and looks around. There’s a long, awkward pause.] Wilson: [sighs] Truth. [Cut to the hallway. Cuddy is talking to Smits.] Smits: They think I took the kid? Do you think I would do something — Cuddy: No, I'm just asking questions. Smits: The dad let the older brother hold the baby for the first time. So I put her in his lap. After a few seconds, she shrieked. I'm pretty sure he pinched her. Cuddy: I need to know this stuff. Anything out of the ordinary. Smits: It was sibling rivalry. I thought it was kind of ordinary. [Cut to medical records. Taub takes the lid off a box. Foreman steps out from between some rows of shelves. He sees Taub.] Foreman: Hey. Taub: What are you doing down here? [He’s sitting on one box with the open one on his lap.] Foreman: I was looking for McKenna's patient file. Taub: Oh, you mean this file? [He picks it up off the floor.] The one I said I'd get? Foreman: Two hours ago? Taub: Seriously, you don't trust me with the immense responsibility of fetching a file? Foreman: If you already found it, what are you looking through those for? Taub: Do you know what these are? The staff credentials files. Foreman: Those should all be in H.R. Taub: Down here to be digitized. And we're locked in, and whoever's supposed to be watching 'em is locked out. We could look up anything on anyone. Malpractice records, felony histories — Foreman: Put them away. Taub: Come on. We have a tiny window of opportunity to gain some insight into our colleagues. [Foreman gives him a look.] Okay. What if we just snoop on the boss? [Foreman looks around.] Foreman: I think I can live with that. [Cut to the dark patient room. House is standing in front of the TV, using the remote to flip through the channels. As he turns the TV off, he hears a sound behind him. He turns and sees the patient looking at him.] House: You're on two milligrams of morphine an hour. How the hell are you still awake? No, don't tell me. [He takes the chart from the foot of the bed and glances at it.] Ischemic cardiomyopathy. If the blood's not reaching your gut, you have intestinal hypoperfusion. That'd be stronger than the narcotics. Nash: The nurse said I might only have a day or two left. House: She was being kind. [He puts the chart back and goes to stare out the door.] Nash: You're Dr. House, aren't you? House: Oh, God, don't tell me we used to date. Nash: The limp. Yeah, I read about you. I sent you a letter before they knew what was wrong. Tried to get you to take my case. House: Yeah, well, you should have kept reading. Heart disease is kind of below my pay grade. Nash: It started as tooth pain. No one got it that it was a heart problem. Till I had a series of massive heart attck — [He starts choking. He partially sits up and gestures. House gets the emesis basin from the bathroom and tosses it into his lap. Nash throws up in the basin.] Nash: This doesn't bother you? House: You talking with your mouth full? A little. Nash: I meant the fact that you're standing here watching me die because of my – my file bored you. House: I take maybe 1 in 20 cases. A lot of the people I turn down end up dying. It's really a good argument for there being more than one me when you think about it. [Nash lies back down. House watches.] [Cut to the cafeteria.] Thirteen: Truth. Wilson: All right. Have you ever had a threesome? Thirteen: No. Wilson: [surprised] You haven't? Thirteen: Wait, just – just because I'm bisexual? Wilson: Well, yeah. Thirteen: Do you understand what bisexual means? It doesn't mean you have sex with two people at once. [Wilson chuckles.] And by the way, you didn't ask me if I'd had a foursome. Truth or dare? Wilson: Wait. You've had a foursome? Thirteen: No, but now you've asked me two questions, so I get to ask you two. You see why I was the queen. Wilson: [pumping both fists in] Oh! [Cut to a hallway. A guard is leading a German Shepherd.] [Cut to Sarah’s room. She’s in bed, practically shaking. Cuddy is talking to her.] Sarah: Walker wouldn't do anything. He's my son too. Cuddy: I don't mean to sound cold, but he's your stepson. We can't ignore any possibility. Sarah: [after a long pause] Walker's been getting in fights a lot at school lately. Last week, he ht another kid with a book hard enough to draw blood. If he did something to the baby... [Cuddy looks and sees Walker at the nurses’ station with one of the guards. He is happily playing.] [Cut to the Clinic. Chase is leaning on a wall, thinking.] Chase: We were working on it. Cameron: And we failed. [She’s sitting on the desk on the other side of the room. The desk lamp is the only light.] Chase: No, you had a conversation with House, then came back, informed me I'd been forever poisoned by him, and started packing. Cameron: It's interesting how your story leaves out the part where you mrder another human being. Chase: A dictator who was committing genocide. You thought about doing it yourself. Cameron: But I didn't. Chase: Right. Because you're not toxic like I am. [He sneers slightly on the word “toxic.”] Cameron: What do you think is gonna happen here? You're gonna logic me into coming back? [Chase leans back, hitting his head lightly against the wall.] [Cut to medical records. House’s personnel file is open.] Personal Data Name______House, Gregory M.D._________________________ Address_____519 MOREHALL ST._______________________ Home Phone_______609-555-0200__________________________DOB____ x Male _ Female Dept___________Diagnostics___ Physician’s Name_____James Wilson____________________ Person to contact in case of emergency__James Wilson_ Under Medical Treatment Now?_____No_____ Taub: [flipping through the file] There must be over 30 malpractice settlements in here. Foreman: [looking at the other side of the file folder] He did a brain biopsy without CT mapping, causing brain herniation and death. Taub: Look at this one. Patient lost four liters of blood from a botched penisectomy. Foreman: [looking over Taub’s shoulder] On a patient named Lisa Cuddy? [They both flip through the papers.] Damn it. They're all named Lisa Cuddy. Taub: He's not even here, and he's screwing with us. [drops the file on a shelf] Where's the joy in that? Foreman: You really want to get into his head? Taub: Yeah, but I decided against sab myself in the leg or getting addicted to pain pills. Foreman: [reaching into his pocket] You can, uh... skip the sab. [He gives Taub a pill bottle with a few familiar, white tablets in it.] Taub: Where did you — Foreman: Confiscated them from a drug seeker in that clinic. Didn't get a chance to turn 'em in. Taub: It is after hours. I'll take one. [tips one into his hand] Walk in House's shoes for a night. Foreman: One? I believe he wears a larger size. [Taub adds a pill to the one in his hand and passes the bottle back to Foreman. They both swallow the pills.] [Cut to Nash’s room. House is sitting on a dresser, rubbing his thigh.] House: No cards, no flowers, not even a phone call. Let me guess. Lighthouse keeper. Nash: I was a classics professor at Princeton for 26 years. Mostly research. House: So your closest colleagues died 2,000 years ago. That must be it. Not that you have no friends because, say, you're a miserable bastard. Nash: What do you care? House: The next few hours are gonna be grim. There'll be nausea, pain, no company, as soon as I can get myself out of here. I can unlock the regulator. You can put yourself in a narcotic haze, sleep blissfully to the end. Nash: Oh, is that a favor to me or to you? House: Win-win. Nash: [laughs shortly] No, thanks. House: Are you trying to guilt me for not taking your case? Nash: You think a classicist doesn't believe in fate? House: You think Odysseus would lie whimpering like a loser in a hospital bed? [getting up and approaching Nash] Come on, take my offer. Take the drug holiday. Numb yourself out. Nash: I think you're the one who wants to numb himself out. [They stare at each other.] [A helicopter shines a searchlight outside the hospital. Cut to the cafeteria.] Thirteen: Truth. Wilson: How did your dad react when you came out to him? Thirteen: He made me tea. Seriously. Doesn't matter what I tell him. He smiles, tells me he supports me, and makes me some peppermint tea. Truth or dare? Wilson: Um, truth. Thirteen: Are you dating anyone? Wilson: Now? No. Thirteen: Interesting. You added a modifier. Truth. Wilson: Um, when you were dating Foreman... Thirteen: No, no. No. Wilson: What? Thirteen: If it was something personal about him or us, I just don't think that's right to answer. We all work together. Wilson: That's the whole point of this game — something personal, preferably embarrassing. Thirteen: Just pick something else. Wilson: You see, this is your problem. You act like you're so liberal and open, but you are the least — Thirteen: I changed my mind. Dare. Just no nudity. Wilson: Yes, nudity. I want you to show… your breasts… to Taub. Thirteen: That is the most idiotic dare ever. Have you ever played this game? Wilson: Well, I thought showing me your breasts would be a little exploitative. Thirteen: Your dare is in the future, genius. Wilson: Hey, if you're saying you won't do it... Thirteen: No, no, no, no. Of course I'll show my breasts to Taub. Tomorrow, perhaps, or maybe some time next year, you know, because I'm honor-bound. Truth or dare? [Cut to Sarah’s room. Cuddy is over on the side, talking quietly to Walker.] Cuddy: It's understandable that you wouldn't be happy right now. Your world is changing. You scared? [He nods.] And how do you feel about your sister? Walker: I hate her. [Cuddy nods slightly. On the other side of the room Sarah and Donald both look upset.] Cuddy: Walker, this is important. Did you do anything to the baby? Did you move her somewhere? Hide her? Walker: No. Cuddy: Nobody'd be mad at you. Walker: I said no, so stop asking me. [Cut to Nash’s room. House is pacing.] Nash: Bad pain day? House: Bad pain month. Nash: Since I'm not using it... [He gestures toward the morphine pump. House looks annoyed.] Oh, if you don't want the morphine, you must have something of your own, Hmm? House: I was in rehab. I had a little problem with the something of my own. Now all I take is ibuprofen, and it's two flights up. Nash: For the whole month? House: The pain's migrated. I think the arterial wall is damaged. Nash: What, you don't know? House: I haven't had an arteriogram yet. Nash: And you don't want the test. In case the arterial wall is fine. Which would mean that the pain is coming from something else. [slight, smug smile] What's her name? House: Interesting... That you jump from physical pain to long-lost love. You're projecting. So what's her name? Nash: What time is it? House: What does it matter to you? It's "t" minus four hours. [Nash looks at him. House checks his watch.] 8:20. Now tell me who she is and what are the pathetically long odds that she's gonna visit or call. And why that's a reason not to take the morphine. [Nash shakes his head.] [Cut to medical records. A Gregorian chant is playing. Taub and Foreman are lying on the floor. Their heads are side by side, their bodies pointing in opposite directions. They are very, very mellow.] Taub: Dude. Foreman: Dude. Taub: Is the room still spinning? Foreman: Mine is. Maybe we shouldn't have taken so many. Taub: I'm gonna try to stand up. Foreman: You be careful. [Taub scrabbles to his feet grabbing boxes and shelving along the way. He takes a deep breath.] Taub: Oh, yeah. That's working. [Tequila and Chocolate begins to play as Foreman rolls onto his side.] Foreman: I can't feel my face. Taub: No way. [Foreman stumbles to his feet, laughing.] Foreman: Way. ht me. Taub: [still leaning on the shelves, laughs too] What? Foreman: ht me in the face. Taub: Seriously? Foreman: You know you've always wanted to. Now's your chance. Taub: That's a great idea. We start a fight club. Maybe we... [Foreman punches him lightly. He stays standing. He feels his face with both hands while Foreman makes “come on” gestures.] Oh, my God! You — that is so cool! Foreman: Okay. [Taub hits him. He goes flying and lands on the floor. Taub holds his wrist.] Taub: I can still feel my hand. Foreman: [still on the floor, laughing] I wasn't ready. Taub: What were you gonna do? [laughs] Flex your goatee muscles? Wait a minute. [Taub stops laughing and takes a folder out of Foreman’s bag.] This is your credentials file? Foreman: [grabs for it as Taub backs away] Hey, give me that. Taub: That's why you came down here. Not for the patient file. You wanted... [Foreman grabs for it again. Taub runs off.] You wanted... [Taub runs down the next aisle with Foreman chasing him.] [Cut to the clinic. Cameron seems to make a decision and she stands up.] Cameron: Okay, Robert. I will answer whatever questions you want. But then you're gonna have to sign the papers. [She takes off her coat and puts it aside. She faces him, ready for business.] Chase: Did you ever love me? Cameron: [surprised] How can you even ask that? [As they continue, they each take steps toward the other until they are only a few inches apart.] Chase: The first time you slept with me was because you were on crystal meth. Cameron: I was on the drugs because I was emotional. It was the emotions that led to the sex, not the drugs. Chase: Not true. After that, you refused to let it go further than just sex. Cameron: Because I knew I was falling for you and I didn't want to. Chase: And that never changed. You broke off our vacation because I bought you a ring. Cameron: I got cold feet. I'm not proud. Chase: And then you almost called off our wedding because — Cameron: Don’t Chase: — you couldn't give up the idea — Cameron: Don’t! Chase: — of having your dad husband's baby. Cameron: [angry] Don't bring him up! Chase: Because even then, you weren't sure about me. Maybe if I was dying when you married me, it would have been a bit different. Cameron: That's not fair. Chase: It's not only fair, it's exactly the point. He was dying when you met him, and he was gone just a year into the marriage. So it was all a honeymoon with him. And I could never match up to that. The first time reality intruded — Cameron: Stop this. Chase: Just tell me the truth. Cameron: About what? Chase: Did you ever love me? Cameron: [almost crying] I don't know! [They stare at each other. She covers her face with her hands.] Chase: [calm] Thank you for finally telling me. [He steps away. She sobs once then brings her hands down.] [Cut to the cafeteria.] Wilson: Truth. Thirteen: You said you weren't dating anyone now. Does that you mean you recently were, or soon will be? [He hesitates, his lips pinched together.] Oh. Look who's guarded now. You had no problem talking about your sex life, but your love life... Fine. Dare it is. Wilson: [shakes head] No nudity now or in the future. [She leans back in her chair and contemplates him. He leans back and meets her gaze.] Thirteen: You're too much of a nice boy, Wilson. Let's let the bad boy out for a bit. You have to go steal one dollar right now. Wilson: From who? [She looks through the window in the partition. He follows her gaze and sees the cashier.] Oh, come on. [Cut to medical records. Taub and Foreman are squared off in adjoining aisles, They look at each other through the shelves.] Taub: [reads] Uh, interned at Hopkins. Old news. [excited] Here we go. Academic probation. Foreman: I am asking you to please stop reading. Taub: I'm afraid I can't do that. Faked a lab result. [pseudo-scolding] Very wrong! And you came down to destroy the record before it gets digitized. Permanentized. Even wronger. Foreman: I... I needed to bat all those elite, spoiled kids around me, to show no weaknesses, to win at everything. Why'd I just tell you that? I always talk too much when I'm stoned. Why'd I just tell you that? [Taub comes around the shelves to face Foreman.] Taub: It was stupid. You had great grades. One lab result shouldn't have mattered. Foreman: Except I didn't think I deserved to be at a top med school in the first place. [to himself, annoyed at having revealed another secret] Again. Taub: Faking lab results is one thing. But you needing to come down here to destroy the records 12 years after the fact... This isn't about med school. You don't think you belong here. At the hospital. Foreman: [reads the cover of a file he’s holding] Dr. Taub, comma, Christopher Michael. [He runs off as Taub chases him.] [Cut to Nash’s room. House is standing far from the bed and facing away from Nash. There’s the sound of water running.] House: So this is what it comes down to in the final hours. Deifying some lost love. Hoping to get her on the phone and make everything perfect. It's pathetic. Either you left her for a reason or she left you for a reason. [He turns and walks toward Nash. He’s holding the emesis basin that he was washing.] A phone call is not — Nash: It's my daughter. House: So why isn't she here? Nash: I left my family... when Gracie was six. I was sort of forced out, actually, after I'd had an affair with a student. House: For sex or love? Nash: Neither. I'd only married Gracie's mother because of the baby. But I didn't think I could handle commitment, and, like any decent academic, I proved myself right. House: And what time it is matters because? Nash: She's a dance teacher in Atlanta. She gets home from work at 9:00, and I just wanted to speak to her one more time. That's my story. What's yours? House: Same thing. Pretty much. Nash: I'm gonna be dad in a few hours. Your secrets couldn't be safer. Unless you're keeping them from yourself. House: I like being alone. At least I convince myself that I'm better off that way. And then I met someone… at a psychiatric hospital, of all places. She changed me. And then she left. We're better off alone. We suffer alone. We die alone. Doesn't matter if you're a model husband or father of the year. Tomorrow will be the same for you. Nash: But yesterday would have been different. [Cut to the cafeteria. Wilson walks up to the cashier.] Wilson: Hey, Dar-Daria. [He read her nametag.] Daria: Dr. Wilson. Wilson: Could you cook me up a chicken sandwich? Daria: Grill's closed. Wilson: It's important medically. Dr. Hadley needs a high-protein meal right now. She doesn't like to talk about it, but she has hypoproteinemia. Daria: We got chicken salad. Wilson: Yeah. That's cold. Daria: She needs to eat warm protein for this disease? Wilson: Well, we could give her cold protein whose uptake enzymes haven't been activated, as long as you don't mind her risking liver and kidney failure and eventual death. But, hey, it's worth it so you don't have to flip on the grill. Daria: You don't have to be obnoxious about it. [She heads toward the back. Wilson rolls his head and looks at Thirteen who gives him two thumbs up. He steps in front of the cash register and pushes buttons randomly. He jumps when the drawer opens. Thirteen laughs. He pulls a dollar bill out and closes the drawer. A beeeeeeep sounds. Thirteen, still laughing, sinks down so she can barely be seen behind the partition. As the alarm continues, the few other people in the cafeteria sit up and take notice. Daria come to the kitchen door and gives Wilson a look. He makes a big show of putting the dollar on top of the cash register. Shaking his head, he backs away. Thirteen continues laughing and the alarm continues beeping.] [Cut to the clinic.] Cameron: [still teary] How do you look so okay? Chase: I spent months wondering how I made it go bad. If you never loved me, then – then I didn't do anything wrong. [She starts to cry. He gets up and goes to her.] Hey. Allison, come on. It's all right. Cameron: I still don't know why I said that. It's not even true. I did love you. Just... not in a way that would have ever worked. Chase: [puzzled] Why not? Cameron: Because everything you said is true. I'm a mess. I married a man I knew was dying. So God knows how screwed up I already was. Him dying messed me up even more. I pushed you out of my life. And I-I'm unfixable. [She tries to laugh.] Not you. Chase: [quietly] I'm sorry. Cameron: I'm sorry too. [He walks away from her. When he gets to the exam table, he picks up the envelope and opens it. He pulls out the paper Cameron brought and signs it.] [Cut to the cafeteria.] Thirteen: Truth. Wilson: Shut up. Thirteen: I'm sorry. Wilson: It's not your fault. Thirteen: No, I didn't even play fair. You asked me how my dad reacted when I told him I was bisexual. And the Huntington's. Wilson: No tea party? Thirteen: I never told him. He's been through enough. Wilson: So he just visits his heterosexual, healthy daughter, and you go out to dinner and a movie and talk about your garden? Thirteen: I work late. He's staying at my house. It's easier if I stay elsewhere as much as I can. Wilson: You can't suppress your life for his convenience. Thirteen: You don't see a little irony in that? That's exactly what you do for House. When he moved in with you, you bought a bigger place for him. No wonder you're not dating anyone. Wilson: You're right. That woman, the woman I'm not involved with, her name is Sam Carr. But in 1990 and 1991, it was Sam Wilson. Thirteen: Your ex-wife? Wilson: No, my mother. Yes, my ex-wife. Ex number one. She friended me a few weeks ago. We started emailing. It turns out she's recently divorced, and I wanted to ask her out. Thirteen: You can't take a woman to dinner, or else House will go running straight back to the loony bin? You're not worried about House. You're worried about yourself. Because she's an ex. So even dinner will mean it's immediately serious. [Wilson thinks about this.] [Cut to the clinic.] Cameron: What are your favorite parts that you remember? Chase: I liked how I would wake up in the middle of the night, you'd put your arm around me, and you wouldn't even wake up. I liked watching you stand up to your dad at Christmas when he yelled at your mom. How you didn't even know you were strong. But you were. What do you miss? Cameron: I miss a lot. But when I think about missing you, I think about that dance class that we took for the wedding. It's weird. I think, he's never gonna hold me like that again. [Chase gets up and gets his MP3 player. He turns it on and puts it on the exam table. He walks up to Cameron as Elvis Costello’s Allison begins to play. He holds his arms out in a half-invitation/half-shrug.] Cameron: [laughs] Oh, God. [She takes his hand and they slow dance.] ♪♫ Oh, it's so funny to be seeing you after so long, girl ♪♫ and with the way you look ♪♫ I understand that you were not impressed ♪♫ but I heard you let that little friend of mine Chase: I'm gonna miss this too. ♪♫ Take off your party dress [Cut to medical records. Foreman reads from Taub’s file as he walks.] Foreman: Published in The New England Journal at 26? Taub: [comes around the corner] Finished all the lab work a year earlier. [He lunges for the file and Foreman runs off with it.] Foreman: Led a group of surgeons to fix cleft palates in Bangladesh? Taub: What can I say? That concert was very moving to me. I have to take a knee. [He leans over and tries to catch his breath.] Foreman: I don't get it. This has got to be the most spectacular file down here. Why are pretending to be ashamed? Taub: I would trade mine for yours in a second. When I was in med school, I thought I'd be House some day. Instead, I am a fellow working with – working for people years younger than me. Foreman: So… We both have a few regrets. Taub: You should be proud of yours. Your life's been trending up. [Cut to Sarah’s room. Cuddy enters.] Cuddy: No news. How you holding up? [Sarah shrugs.] You let them sedate you? Sarah: Yeah. Do you have kids? Cuddy: [sits on the edge of Sarah’s bed] A little girl. I adopted her last year. Sarah: I adopted Walker right after Donald and I got married. What if I can never love Walker the way I love my daughter? Does that make me a horrible person? [She wipes her eyes on her bedclothes.] Cuddy: Let me get you some tissues. [She goes into the bathroom and picks up the tissues. Then she looks around.] Did you request some extra towels? Sarah: No. What — why? [Cut to Cuddy approaching the nurses’ station.] Cuddy: There are eight towels in Sarah's room. Maldonado: Okay. Cuddy: There should only be four. Smits: Housekeeping handles towels. Cuddy: I need you to track down their logs, figure out who was up there and when. Smits: Because they got extra towels? Cuddy: Just find the logs. Now. [She picks up the phone as Smits walks past Maldonado who is just standing there. Maldonado looks spacey.] Adrienne, you okay? Maldonado: Sure. Smits: [looks at Maldonado] What's wrong? Cuddy: [hangs up and comes over] Adrienne, give me your arm. [She picks up both of Moldonado arms — she looks like a zombie. Cuddy inspects them.] The hair on her left arm is standing up. Asymmetric neurological function. She's having a pilomotor seizure. Smits: She seemed fine a minute ago. Cuddy: She was. [She leads Maldonado to a chair, sits her down and checks her eyes.] She's probably been having complex seizures all day. She would be basically functional, but more or less acting on autopilot. She probably dropped the towels off twice. She could have taken the baby. [Cut to the clinic. Chase and Cameron are still swaying in each other’s arms.] Cameron: We never really did have a proper good-bye. [She holds his head and kisses him on the cheek then clasps her hands behind his neck. Chase hesitates, then kisses her. She pulls him close. After a moment she breaks the embrace and moves away. Chase makes a slight sound of resignation. Cameron goes to the exam room door and locks it. She leans against the door and wiggles suggestively. Chase hurries to her and they kiss passionately.] [Cut to Nash’s room. House puts the phone on Nash’s stomach and picks up the receiver.] House: It's 9:00. [Nash takes the receiver and dials with great difficulty.] Gracie’s Voice: [faintly] It's Gracie. I can't come to the phone, so please leave a message. [He hangs up the phone. Every movement is torturous.] Nash: I guess she's running late. House: You don't seem that surprised. [Nash looks away from him.] That's what you expected to get. You waited until you knew she'd be out. Nash: Her aunt said that she starts work late. Every now and then, I just call to hear her voice on the machine. I was never there when she needed me, so... What right do I have to need her now? House: None. Just means you're a hypocrite. 'Cause apparently you do. [He picks up the phone, hits “redial” and hands Nash the phone.] Forget about rights. Just tell her what you need to tell her. Gracie’s Voice: It's Gracie. I can't come to the phone, so please leave a message. Nash: [after a pause] Gracie... This is... your father. I love you. [He drops the hand holding the phone to the bed. He turns his head away, crying, as House hangs up the receiver.] [Cut to the laundry storeroom. Cuddy bursts in and turns on the light. She starts searching. Smits follows her in.] Smits: Anything? We've covered every room on Maldonado's logs. Been everywhere she's been. Cuddy: [checks the laundry cart] Where's the other cart? Isn't there usually another cart in here? [She rushes out.] [Cut to a deserted area. Cuddy pulls open the door, followed by Smits. There’s a canvas laundry cart sitting there. As Cuddy leans over the cart there’s a sound. She pulls a blanket away and there’s Toadette.] Cuddy: Hey. Okay. [picks up the baby] Okay. [She looks at Smits and smiles.] Hi. Oh. [Cut to Cuddy handing the baby to Sarah as Birds and Ships by Billy Brag & Wilco featuring Natalie Merchant starts playing.] ♪♫ The birds are singing in your eyes today ♪♫ Sweet flowers blossom in your smile [Donald and Walker enter. Cuddly leaves, looks back at them and smiles.] ♪♫ But my soul is stormy and my heart blows wild ♪♫ My sweetheart rides a ship on the sea [Cut to the clinic doorknob being rattled.] Guard’s Voice: Anyone in there? Lockdown's over. [Cameron and Chase are lying on the exam table under a blanket. They have post-coital glows.] ♪♫ Where might my lonesome lover be? Cameron: I should go. Chase: Yeah. [She puts her head back down and he wraps his hand around her head.] [Cut to the cafeteria. Wilson walks up to Thirteen’s table. He has a phone in his hand.] Wilson: I just asked Sam to dinner. Thirteen: Little baby's all growed up. [They start gathering their stuff.] Wilson: You gonna tell your dad? Thirteen: I'll stop by his hotel, talk to him. Wilson: Hotel? You said he was staying at your apartment. Was there any truth in anything you said? Thirteen: The part about it being a good idea for you to call Sam. That was true. Wilson: Good night, Remy. Thirteen: Good night, James. [Cut to medical records. Foreman and Taub are near the door. The only light comes from the hall.] Loud Speaker: Code seven has been lifted. Repeat, code seven has been lifted. Taub: You want your file? Foreman: Nah. Taub: [drops file on a table] Good for you. Loud Speaker: All hospital personnel may leave their staging areas and report back to their departments. Thank you for your cooperation. Taub: We don't have to tell anybody what we — Foreman: [shakes his head] mm-mm. You got the patient file? Taub: I'll grab it. Foreman: Thanks. See you tomorrow. [Taub watches him leave. He picks up Foreman’s file again. He opens it and pulls out the second sheet of paper, which he feeds into a shredder, thereby destroying the only evidence in the world of Foreman’s academic probation.] [Cut to Nash’s room. House sits on his bed, watching him.] Nash: I think I'm ready to take you up on your offer. [House opens the morphine pump and pushes a few buttons. He looks at Nash.] Guard: [enters] Dr. House? Lockdown ended a few minutes ago. House: Yeah. I know. [to Nash] I'm sorry I didn't take your case. Nash: Me too. [long pause] Gracie... was the cutest six-year-old you ever saw. [Once in a Blue Moon by Mabel Mercer plays as House watches Nash drift off. He stays, sitting there.] ♪♫ Once in a blue moon you will find the right one. ♪♫ Once in a blue moon find your dear delight one ♪♫ Then with a thrill you'll know that love is true [Cut to the front desk. Cuddy hands Taub several messages.] ♪♫ Once in a lifetime [Thirteen crosses the lobby behind him. He reaches the door.] Taub: Interesting night, huh? [He holds the door open for her. She opens her shirt, flashes him and leaves without saying a word or breaking her stride.] Interesting night. ♪♫When the moon is blue.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x17 - Lockdown"}	foreverdreaming
[The scene opens on a medieval Renaissance Faire. The participants, all dressed in period costume, crowd the streets of the village. Musicians perform as others dance. A man leads some sheep down a dirt street crowded with people, and some children wend there way through the crowd, headed for the tiltyard. The camera follows them as they run up a ramp to join the crowd at the fence surrounding the arena] [In the tiltyard, four knights and their squires stand before a dais where the King (Miles) and Queen (Shannon) of the realm sit with their court. The King stands and addresses the crowd] Miles: My lords, and ladies. Today your queen will choose her champion. Here, he will battle for not only her honor, but for a title of his own. [The knights kneel respectfully to the queen as she walks in front of them] Miles: But only if he can defeat the Captain of my guard, Sir Horace the Black! [The crowd roars as the queen continues to walk before the knights, trying to make a decision. Fanning herself with a exquisite feather fan, she finally stops in front of one of the knights] Shannon: Sir William... Wouldst thou fight for my honor? William: (looking up at her and smiling) To the death, your majesty. Shannon: Let's hope it does not come to that, eh? (She looks over her shoulder at the king) I choose Sir William as my champion. [The crowd yells and applauds. The queen ties a red band around William’s arm and leans down to whisper into his ear] Shannon: (whispering) attck from his left side. I saw his squire bandaging that shoulder this morning. (stepping back and speaking so that all can hear) I wish thee luck and strength. William: I fear I shall need all I can get. [The bugle plays and Sir William stands to face the gate marked with the king’s family crest] Miles: (loudly, to the crowd) The Captain of my guard, Sir Horace the Black! [The gate is thrown wide and a huge knight, clad head to toe is black armor, and carrying a sword and shield, steps onto the field. Again, the crowd cheers. Heavy breathing is heard behind his helmet as he faces William in the arena] Miles: Are you sure you wouldn't like to reconsider your choice, my queen? Shannon: I believe I chose rightly, my king. [The knights approach and circle each other] Sir Horace: (jerking forward) Huh! [Startled, William jumps back, and the crowd laughs] Miles: Brave knights, in the honored tradition of our lands, have at ye! [Sir Horace aggressively pushes William back with his shield and swings at William with his sword. William does his best to defend himself as he is bashed, battered, and kicked by the black knight. With one swift move, Sir Horace sends William’s sword flying as he shoves him to the ground with his shield. The crowd groans] Miles: I fear you chose most poorly, my love. [William struggles to his knees and straightens out his helmet, looking toward the queen. He stands, and faking out the black knight as he swings his sword, ducks under the deadly sword and dives for his own sword buried in the dirt] [Armed again and more prepared this time, William attcks the black knight and manages to cut his left arm under the armor. Weakened, Sir Horace continues to suffer the multiple blows of William’s sword, until, with one last blow, William fells the black knight. The crowd roars. The king and queen stand and applaud. The king, looking disappointed at first, concedes defeat and looks happy for his queen] Chanting Crowd: William! William! William! William! [William stands over the prone Sir Horace, his arms raised in victory. The queen rushes onto the field to congratulate her champion] Chanting Crowd: William! William! William! William! [William staggers and drops his sword as the queen approaches] Shannon: William? What is it? [William struggles to remove his helmet. The king rushes onto the field as Shannon pulls the helmet from William’s head] Shannon: Your eyes. [William, looking very disoriented, collapses to his knees] Shannon: William? [William falls to the ground and a close-up shows that the whites of his eyes are now very red. The queen kneels down beside him and looks up at the king] Miles: (pulling out a cell phone and dialing 911) We need an ambulance at the Camden Fairgrounds. OPENING CREDITS [The scene opens on a drawer being pulled open. It is a kitchen junk drawer. It contains some tools, rubberbands, a rubber ball, a key, and other tidbits of daily life. A bottle of Ibuprophen is lying under piece of blue cloth. A hand rummages around and takes out the bottle of pills. The camera cuts up to House (obviously completely naked), who shakes out some pills, puts them in his mouth, puts the bottle back in the still open drawer (which is very deftly blocking his nakedness), and limping to the refrigerator, takes a swig from a carton of milk. Footsteps are heard, a shadow appears on the kitchen cabinets, and House glances toward the main room of the condo] House: You're new. [The camera pans up over the kitchen counter to the woman who has come into the room] Sam: You're naked. House: (looking down at himself) And, for the record, a little bit cold. Sam: (sounding uncomfortable and trying not to look at House, who seems completely unfazed by his nakedness) I'm sorry, I didn't know that anyone was home. James had an early call, and I was just leaving. House: (holding up a cereal box) Without breakfast? Sam: (turning to face him) I'm fine, thanks. I'm Sam, by the way. House: (holding out his hand) House. Nice to meet you. Sam: (taking an apron off a chair and handing it to House) It'd be nicer if you'd put this on. House: (setting the box on the counter and putting on the apron) So you and Wilson... Sam: Thought you were staying in New York last night. House: Sorry, must have missed the "if this trailer be a-rockin'" sign out front. Sam: (reaching for her purse) I'm really late, so — if there's any chance that we can pretend this never happened, I'd be completely fine with that. [Sam leaves and the toaster on the counter by the open drawer, pops up a bagel, which House reaches over the counter to grab] [Cut to the PPTH diagnostics conference room, where the team is examining patient files] Foreman: (laying file on the table) An eight-year-old with bleeding ears. Chase: (throwing a different file on the table) I'll see your bleeding ears and raise you a total muscular degeneration. Taub: (looking up) What the hell? [They all turn toward the glass wall and see House striding toward the office with a sword over his shoulder] Thirteen: I had a dream like this once. It didn't end well. House: (entering the room) Huzzah, my loyal peasants! [House is carrying his backpack on the sword and he flips it off the sword into Taub’s lap] Foreman: House, what are you doing? House: (holding the sword up in front of him) Filling in for Rabbi Shmuhl at the Goldstein bris. (He starts swinging and twirling the sword) While I'm busy, you all can check out the Knight down in the E.R., who, instead of seizing the throne, just seized. [Taub pulls a patient file out of the backpack] Taub: (reading the file) He works at a Renaissance Festival? [House crosses the sword and his cane in front of himself, than turns and continues his swordplay] House: Doesn't work there, he lives there as part of a wonderful little troupe, who spend their weekends reenacting a nobler age, when people crapped in the streets, and Thirteen would have been a grandmother. Thirteen: Weeks, not weekends. Says here he's been camping out for a month. [House is still swinging the sword around, and, at one point, comes close enough to Taub as to cause him to flinch. House swings once wildly and manages to cut the top off of the model of the human brain, which sits on top of the book shelf] House: Try doing that with a pen. Foreman: (reaching for the file) Why don't you put that down before you kll one of us? House: Better idea, why don't you give me something I can use so I won't feel the need to? Foreman: Seizure right after a fight obviously suggests concussion. Chase: Obviously it isn't, or the E.R. wouldn't have called House. Taub: A full set of armor would protect against visible trauma, but not transmitted concussive force. Could be a subdural hematoma. [House has stopped swinging the sword. He holds both the sword and his cane in his left hand as he rubs his bad leg with his right] House: You're forgetting to demonize. Taub: An evil, satanic subdural hematoma. House: No. Two demon eyes. Hemorrhaging in the sclerae. Thirteen: Could be an allergic reaction to something from the Renaissance Fair. House: Which is why we need to check out middle earth. Foreman, take Frodo and break bread with the Hobbits. Taub: (standing) I still think a hematoma is more likely. House: (to Taub) That's why you and Chase are gonna get an MRI. Taub: But you just— House: I said Frodo, not Gollum. [House leaves the room, heading, not to his office, but out into the hall] Thirteen: Is he saying I have short legs or hairy feet? Chase: I don't even know who Frodo is. [Cut to House flinging open Wilson’s office door. Wilson is standing in front of his desk and House brandishes the sword if front of him as if challenging him to a duel. His left hand, holding his cane, is on his hip, like a fencer in a duel.] House: Who's the chick, and why are you hiding her? Wilson: You were home last night? House: (putting down the sword and closing the door) And this morning. I bumped into your babe, naked. Wilson: I told you to stay out of my bathroom. House: I was in the kitchen. Wilson: She was naked in the kitchen? House: I was naked. Wilson: Why the hell were you naked in the kitchen? House: Uh, it's not important right now. What is, is why you didn't want me to meet her in the first place. Is she married? Wilson: No. House: A patient? Wilson: I don't have time for this. House: She used to be a man. Wilson: (picking up his labcoat) House! House: She wants to be a man. Sam — it's a man's name, short for... [House moves to the door and resting the sword across his arm, and pointing it at Wilson, blocks Wilson’s exit] House: Samantha. The soulless harpy you were married to before we met. Wilson: (sighing) People change, House. House: (lowering the sword) Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again. Wilson: Listen, I know that, in your own demented way, you think you're looking out for me. But I have this. House: By this, you mean a sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach. Fine. I get it. It's your life. (He opens the door for Wilson) You go screw it up. I can wait. Wilson: For what? House: To tell you, "I told you so." [Wilson leaves his office] [Cut to Chase and Taub performing the MRI on William. They are watching the monitor in the control room] Chase: No signs of hematoma. Brain looks completely normal. Taub: Normal, except for the fact that he likes to play dress-up. Chase: My Uncle used to pretend he was King Leopold. William: (from inside the MRI machine) I'm not pretending. Chase: (unaware that the mic was on) Um, sorry about that. You don't really think you're a Knight, do you? William: (from inside the MRI machine) Being a Knight isn't a game. It's a lifestyle, and we do it every day, not just when we play dress-up. We live by a code and uphold ideals, like loyalty, courage, humility. Taub: And the part where you bat the crap out of each other in armor? William: (smiling) That we do for fun. At least it was up until yesterday. Are — are we almost done? 'Cause I'm feeling— [William vomits inside the MRI machine] Chase: Let's get him out of there before he aspirates. [Cut to Foreman and Thirteen at the renaissance faire. They are wearing their modern day clothing and look very out-of-place among the faire folk. Foreman takes a sample from an open well as he talks on the phone with someone from PPTH] Foreman: (into the phone) Anything abnormal on the MRI? [A couple of faire participants are mocking his modern garb] Man at Faire: God's teeth, what strange manner of garments be these? Foreman: (into the phone) Okay, we'll be back soon. (He puts the phone away) Man at Faire: He consorts with tiny demons in his hand. 'Tis witchcraft, I say! Foreman: (to the man) Do I look like I'm here to play pretend with you? Thirteen: (She is eating a turkey leg) Relax, it's not personal. Just tell them you're a time traveler or something. Well, if we're gonna be here, we might as well enjoy it. Foreman: Our Knight just vomited inside the MRI. Taub thinks it might be food poisoning... [Thirteen spits out her mouthful of meat and puts the rest of the turkey leg into a plastic bag which Foreman has pulled out of his satchel] Foreman: Which shouldn't be surprising — outdoor latrines, food prep going on next to livestock. [They stop in front of a man rolling dough, who spits over his shoulder. Miles and Shannon, in their roles as King and Queen of the realm, approach from behind] Miles: I hear you wish to speak with me, concerning Sir William. How faireth he? Foreman: Not well, or we wouldn't be here. Miles: A pox indeed is— Shannon: (reprimanding him) Miles. We just thought it was a concussion. Miles: (abandoning his role as king) He's gonna be okay, right? Thirteen: We need to look at the area he was camping out in. Foreman: And you might want to invest into a dental plan for the kingdom. [Cut to William’s living quarters, which is a large tent] Miles: You sure he got sick from something here? Foreman: We're not sure of anything yet, but... [Foreman sees something in the straw on the floor and squats down to get a closer look] Foreman: (to Thirteen) What do you make of this? [There is glob of something very nasty laying in the straw] Thirteen: (leaning over his shoulder) Hmm... looks like vomit. Means he was showing symptoms prior to the fight. Foreman: (picking a round, red object out of the straw and holding it up in front of Miles and Shannon) True, but I meant this. Miles: Oh, it's a cow eye. From the night before the tournament. Shannon: He makes the Knights eat all kinds of disgusting stuff. Thirteen: Why? Shannon: He got the idea from Fear Factor. Foreman: Why didn't he mention it when he checked into the hospital? Miles: I make them all take an oath of secrecy about the ritual. William tends to take his role as a Knight very seriously. Shannon: Do you think that's what caused him to pass out? [Thirteen opens up a plastic bag, and Foreman puts the cow eye into it] [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House is examining the cow eye. He throws the eye against the glass between the rooms and it bounces back, just like a rubber ball. He catches it easily] Taub: That's not exactly sanitary. House: Fun stuff never is. [He bounces the ball against the glass wall again] Thirteen: Serious bacterial food poisoning explains seizure and vomiting. Chase: A lumbar puncture could confirm. House: Except it's not food poisoning. If it was, the E.R. would look like Camelot right now. Foreman: All it takes is one bad eyeball. Thirteen: Or testicle, cow brain, or my personal favorite, pig rectum, with a side order of sphincter. [Chase has been eating as they talk, and Thirteen leans over him as she lists all the disgusting animal parts Miles has made his knights eat. Chase grins and takes a big bite out of his sandwich] Taub: I think they call that breakfast in Australia. House: No one else was sick, because they weren't allergic like he was. Foreman: To what? House: That's what I sent you to middle earth to find out. (House tosses the cow eye to Foreman) Run scratch tests for the samples you brought back. Chase: That's gonna take time, and he's getting worse. House: (testily) So treat him with epinephrine too. [The team exits, leaving House sitting on the conference room desk, rubbing his leg again] [Cut to Foreman injecting the epinephrine into William’s IV line] Foreman: This should prevent any more symptoms until we can figure out what it is you're allergic to. William: Thanks. Shannon: Told you you shouldn't have eaten all that stuff. William: (to Shannon) You know, you don't have to stay. I'm sure you and Miles are crazy busy, what with the wedding and all. Shannon: Miles said we could postpone it until— William: Don't worry. I'll be fine. I'll be there. I just hope you have a good photographer, 'cause I don't think the standard red-eye filter is gonna work on these. Thirteen: I need your right arm. [Thirteen takes William’s arm and scratches it with one of the potential allergens] William: That, uh... feels — feels strange. [The monitor starts beeping] Shannon: What is it? What's wrong? Thirteen: His heart rate's become irregular. William: My — my chest hurts. It feels like it's gonna explode. Foreman: Tachycardia — we need to shock him back into rhythm. Shannon: Oh, my God, William. Thirteen: I need his gown open. [Foreman pulls open William’s gown to reveal an ugly red rash on his chest. William looks down at it] William: What is — what is that stuff? Foreman: I don't know. [Thirteen shocks William’s chest with the defibrillator paddles] [Cut to the team discussing this new symptom in the hallway outside William’s room] Foreman: It's definitely not an allergy, or the eppy would have helped him, not made him worse. House: (sitting on the nurse’s station counter and rubbing his leg) Unless he's allergic and allergic to the cure. Sodium bisulfite — the preservative that keeps eppy peppy — can cause tachycardia. Taub: So can wolff-parkinson-white syndrome, and it also causes hemorrhaging in the eyes. Chase: And abnormal electrical pathways in the heart, which could cause seizures. Foreman: But not skin infections. Thirteen: There is an infection that can cause skin and neurological damage and spreads rapidly without treatment. Foreman: Methicillin resistant staphylococcus aureus? House: Lord have MRSA. Thirteen: (to Foreman) You weren't wearing gloves when we shocked his heart back into rhythm. [House looks at Foreman and moves quickly away from him] House: I'm sure you'll be fine. (pointing to Taub and Chase) You two get a sample to the lab to confirm, (to Thirteen) you get the Knight into isolation and on I.V. antibiotics. (to Foreman) You... stay away from me. (He leaves quickly) [Cut to House barging into Cuddy’s office] House: Need to talk. Cuddy: About the MRSA? I know, we're— House: (sitting in a chair in front of the desk) MRSA, shmrsa. Something important. Cuddy: Something you think is more important than the potentially lethal bacteria spreading like wildfire through my hospital? Well, that narrows it down to something personal and stupid. House: Wilson. Cuddy: Theory confirmed. He is dating his first wife. I know. House: I don't believe it. Cuddy: That he didn't ask your permission first? House: No, that he's actually capable of keeping a secret from me. Cuddy: Well, you'd be surprised how many things Wilson doesn't tell you. House: (chuckling and leaning forward in the chair) Would I? Like — like how you slept with your father's best friend or... Cuddy: I'm gonna kll him. House: You need to break them up. Cuddy: Forget it. House: So you'd rather sit back and watch while the evil blonde gorges on Wilson's tender flesh and then tosses out his bones like she did the last time? You remember what he was like after that? Cuddy: Yes I do. House: Well, then do something. (leaning back in the chair) God knows he's not gonna listen to me. You, on the other hand, have decades of experience dating and being attracted to losers. Obviously, I don't include myself. Cuddy: You know what happens when you interfere in other people's relationships? House: Of course. I do it all the time. Hmm, I see your point. Cuddy: That is why I'm staying out of this. You force him to choose, you might not like the answer. [Cut to William and Shannon in an isolation room. Thirteen enters, both she and Shannon are wearing masks and gowns] Shannon: He doesn't seem to be in as much pain anymore. Thirteen: That's good, but we won't be out of the woods for sure until the blisters start to recede. William: (to Shannon) Hey, I'm really thirsty. You mind getting me a soda? Shannon: Sure, I'll be right back. (She leaves the room) [Thirteen is preparing the IV bag. As soon as Shannon leaves, William groans and starts breathing harder] Thirteen: What's wrong? William: The pain in my chest, it's getting worse. Thirteen: Just now? William: No, I didn't want to worry her. Thirteen: So how long have you been in love with her? William: What? No, we're just friends. Seriously. [William realizes that Thirteen doesn’t believe him] William: Since the first time I saw her. Thirteen: Why don't you tell her? William: She's engaged to my friend. Thirteen: The King? Haven't seen him visiting or sitting by your bedside. William: He has responsibilities. Thirteen: Yeah. I'm guessing the Queen does too. William: What kind of Knight steals his friend's bride? I hate that I even think about it. Thirteen: You're not a Knight. You're just a guy. William: But I want to be more than that. [He groans again] Thirteen: Your chest? William: No, my — my back. Feels like there's a Knfe in it. [William rolls to his side and Thirteen pulls his gown away from his back revealing that the rash is spreading] William: Is the infection spreading? [Cut to Chase and Taub running tests in the lab] Chase: (looking at the monitor) It's not MRSA. It looks like some sort of clostridial organism. Taub: Question is, which type of clostridium? Chase: There's hundreds. C. Perfringens? Taub: Wouldn't account for his other symptoms. C. Tetani, on the other hand... Chase: Tetanus, he — he would have been inoculated against it. Taub: So he cut himself and didn't get a booster sht. The guy fights people with swords for fun. No one said he's smart. Chase: They don't just fight for fun. They fight to prove their bravery. Taub: You're buying this honor stuff? Fighting's not brave. It's just stupid. Chase: You would say that. Taub: You think I've never been in a fight? Chase: No, I just think you've never won one. Taub: I took on three guys in college once. House: (coming into the lab) Hope they bought you dinner first. Chase: It's not MRSA. House: I know, it's poison Ivy. Chase: Poison Ivy? Taub: A severe reaction could cause the blisters and maybe irritate his eyes enough to cause the hemorrhaging, but the chest pain and seizures... House: They have bonfires every night. The burning leaves aerosolizes the oil. We've seen what it's done to t he outside of his body. Imagine what it's doing to his lungs and his sinuses. Chase: Okay, maybe it remotely fits, but I'd rather go with scientific evidence than with your gut. [House holds up his right arm. He has a rash similar to William’s on his wrist and forearm] House: How about this? Apparently, it's all over his sword. [Chase and Taub’s pagers go off and they rush to join Thirteen in William’s isolation room] Thirteen: It's his heart rate again. Taub: How fast is it? Thirteen: It's slowing, why aren't you- Taub: It's not MRSA. Chase: I'm giving him 12 ccs epinephrine. Taub: He tested positive. You'll blow his heart out! Chase: (pushing the epinephrine into the IV tube) If it slows any more, it's gonna stop. [The monitor stops beeping and goes flat] Taub: I told you. [Thirteen is preparing to do CPR when the monitor comes back on, showing a steady heartbeat] Chase: And I told you. (He sighs) [Cut to House and the team standing outside William’s isolation room] Taub: That wasn't caused by poison Ivy. Foreman: Or epinephrine. That means the heart problem we ruled out, we now have to rule back in. Chase: We found clostridium bacteria in the skin samples. Thirteen: Clostridium's in dirt and basically harmless. Chase: But opportunistic, if his immune system is depressed. Taub: Leukemia? Foreman: He would have had symptoms way before the Renaissance Festival. House: Which is true of anything that would compromise his immune system, which means it has to be some other environmental toxin. Yesterday he was a healthy Knight, today he's sleeping beauty. Nothing else fits. Chase: Trichinosis from eating infected meat? Thirteen: We already ruled out food poisoning. Both the butcher shop and the food stands at the fair were totally clean. House: Then he ate the poison apple somewhere else. Or maybe you just missed it. Start treatment for trichinosis and confirm with a muscle biopsy. (He leaves) [Cut to House leaving for the day. Wilson is standing at the main desk as he approaches] Wilson: Hey. I can't believe I'm about to say this. Sam… House: Told you so. Wilson: No, she didn't dump me. She wants to get to know you better. House: Damn it. I never should have let her see me naked. Wilson: It goes against all my instincts, but I said all right. House: Why? Wilson: She thinks I was hiding her from you. House: You were. Wilson: I don't want her to know. House: So you're asking me to condone a relationship based on lies and mistrust. Wilson: Yeah. House: When and where? Wilson: Tonight, Venezia, 8:00. House: What am I gonna wear? All my cereal boxes are at the cleaners. Wilson: House, listen. I know you're worried about me, and I also know that that kind of unselfishness doesn't come naturally to you. But I don't want your help. I don't need your help. Just come to dinner and be your usual selfish self. House: How could I say no? (He smiles and heads for the exit) [Cut to Shannon visiting William. He is back in a regular room] Shannon: Miles said he'd stop by later. William: No, tell him not to. I don't want to be seen like this. Shannon: You're sick, that's nothing to be ashamed of... Un-unless you're saying you want me to leave. William: (grabbing her hand) No, don't. Thirteen: I think he's saying it's different with you, Shannon. It's a guy thing- -they don't like showing weakness in front of each other. Right William? William: Right. Maybe when I'm feeling a little better. Thirteen: (pulling over a tray of instruments) I'm gonna take a small sample of your muscle tissue here. (to Shannon) Do you mind waiting outside for this? Shannon: Don't hurt him. Thirteen: He's safe with me. William: I thought you were gonna tell her. Thirteen: It's not my call, but if you ask me, she's waiting for you to. William: Knights are supposed to be selfless. Thirteen: Right, they conquered countries and built Castles by being selfless. Bravery and loyalty are great qualities, for soldiers. If you want to be King, sometimes you have to be willing to take what's yours. William: Ah! (He grunts as Thirteen inserts a needle) She's not mine. Thirteen: She's not his either... Not yet. [Cut to Sam and Wilson sitting at a table in a nice restaurant] Sam: It's just dinner. Relax. Wilson: Trust me, there is no "just" when House is involved. Sam: We're in the middle of a restaurant. What could he possibly...(She pauses, looking across the room) Do? Wilson: (Following her gaze) That. [House is coming toward them with a woman, obviously a trnsvstite, on his arm] House: Sorry we're late. But you know girls. Always fiddling with the hair and the makeup. James, Sam.... this is Sarah. Sarah: It's nice to meet you. Horace has told me all— House: (correcting her) House. Sarah: House... has told me all about you. [Sarah shakes hands with both Wilson and Sam] Sam: It's nice to meet you. [House is looking very smug as he shakes out his napkin] [Cut to Foreman entering the lab with two cups of coffee. He gives one cup to Thirteen] Foreman: What's the diagnosis? Thirteen: His muscle biopsy is clean. It's not trichinosis. House was wrong, this is not environmental. Foreman: Or we screwed up and missed something at the Renaissance Faire. Thirteen: You think we did? Foreman: No, but I think House will think we did. Thirteen: What could we have missed? Foreman: Fungal infection. Thirteen: There's nothing in his blood work even remotely suggesting that. Foreman: It fits his symptoms. Thirteen: You wanna re-test every sample we took for spores? We'll be here all night. Foreman: Have you noticed how much pain he's been in lately? Thirteen: And that's relevant how? Foreman: Extra pain means extra cranky, it means off his game. He's not gonna accept this isn't environmental unless we give him no choice. [Back at the restaurant, Wilson, Sam and Sarah are laughing and getting along famously, which annoys House] Sam: I cannot believe you're from Bloomington. Sarah: I know, isn't it amazing? House: (sarcastically) Yeah, delightful. Wilson: Ignore him. He's just upset that we're having fun. Sarah: Do you remember that little bakery, the one with the amazing cupcakes? Sam: Gino's. Sarah: Oh, yes! Sam: First stop, every time I go home. Sarah: Oh, me too...Mmm! Sam: Remember that strip club? Sarah: Girl, I used to work at that strip club. [As they all laugh, House covers his ears with his hands] [Cut to William’s hospital room. Shannon is with him. He is crying out in pain and monitors are beeping. Foreman and Thirteen hurry into the room] Thirteen: Where does it hurt, William? William: My legs, it feels like they're on fre! [They pull back the blanket to reveal that his knees are red and swollen] [Cut to the hallway outside of William’s room. The whole team is gathered. House pops a couple of Ibuprophen and rubs his right leg. He is clearly in pain] Thirteen: Rhabdomyolysis means his kidneys are failing. Foreman: Also means it's not environmental. We need to move on. Taub: I recommend we start with a full cancer workup, starting with the— House: Which one of you checked out the apartment? Foreman: House... House: His symptoms fit an environmental— Foreman: The test results don't, we redid— House: Search the apartment. Thirteen: He hasn't been there in three weeks— House: (interrupting, and shouting at them as he walks away) Go! Now! Chase: I liked him better when he was on Vicodin. Foreman: (to Chase) You and Thirteen check out his place. While you're wasting your time, we'll ultrasound the liver. If it's cancer, it's as good a place as any to start. [Cut to Cuddy working her way through the cafeteria line. Wilson falls into place beside her] Wilson: Hey. Cuddy: Hey. [They both look uncomfortable] Cuddy: I hear House met Sam. Wilson: First time, he was naked. The second time he brought a trnsvstite prosttute to dinner. Overall, it could have been worse. [Cuddy takes the salad, which is handed to her, and moves on down the line] Cuddy: Great. Wilson: That's your reaction? Cuddy: (taking an apple from a bowl) What? Wilson: Nudity, prosttute... Cuddy: Sorry, preoccupied. Wilson: House said something to you, didn't he? Cuddy: (paying for her lunch and walking away) Nope. He didn't. [Cut to Wilson sitting down across from Cuddy at cafeteria booth. He has no food] Wilson: It is a little crazy, though. I mean... isn't it? I mean... things seem to be going great. But they seemed to be going great 12 years ago. The good things are still good. She's still smart, funny, gets me. And she's less competitive. Either she's changed, or I've changed. But, either way... Am I out of my mind? Cuddy: You never know what can happen. You might as well give it a chance. [Cuddy looks like she wants to say more, but Wilson is happy with her response and he smiles] Wilson: (nodding) Yeah. [Cut to Taub doing the ultrasound on William’s liver. He and Foreman are both looking at the monitor, which shows multiple black blotches on a field of white] Taub: Looks like you were right. Tumors... dozens of them. Inside, and on the surface. Foreman: Pull in closer. [Taub pushes some buttons and the image is magnified. One of the blotches expands and then just vanishes] Foreman: See that? Taub: What is that? Foreman: I don't know. But it's definitely not cancer. [Cut to a closeup of a large medieval diorama of soldiers on a bttlefield. The scene is accompanied by music of the era. The camera pans up on thirteen’s face as she marvels at the detail of the display. She and Chase are searching William’s apartment] Thirteen: Kitchen's clean. Chase: (coming in from another room) Bedroom as well. Most dangerous thing in his medicine cabinet was dental floss. [Chase tries to open another door off the room] Thirteen: It's locked, key wasn't on his ring. Chase: Do you honestly want to go back and tell House we didn't check every square inch of this place? Thirteen: Of course not. [Chase nods, and, looking very macho, backs up, then rams the door with his shoulder. The door remains closed. Chase falls to the floor with a groan, but his action has jarred the key loose from above the door jam, and it falls to the floor] Thirteen: Ahem... [She steps over Chase and picks up the key] Thirteen: My hero. [Chase gets up as Thirteen unlocks the door and moves into the room. It is full of skulls, pentagrams, and other satanic symbols] Chase: What the hell is this? Thirteen: Either a secret entrance to Hogwarts, or... our Knight... is a witch. [She closes a large book which has a pentagram on the cover and is entitled Necronomicon] [The sht transitions to the same book being opened by Chase, who is sitting at the diagnostics room table with the rest of the team] Chase: Our Knight is into some seriously creepy stuff. [Foreman examines a glass container of green liquid] Thirteen: He claims it's just sugar water but we sent the rest down to the lab for testing. Taub: Do you think he poisoned himself? [House wanders into the scene, chewing on a pencil as he listens to the team running a new differential] Foreman: It's not poison, we would have picked it up in his blood work. Taub: Not if it collected slowly in his liver and it all started leaking into his system at once. [House stops abruptly and looks at the pencil he had in his mouth. He looks over at the collection of stuff from William’s apartment] Taub: These tumors that aren't tumors, what if they're focal hepatic lesions filled with blood? Every time one explodes it'd be releasing another dose. Thirteen: Of what? [While they are talking, House has sat down and picked up one of the miniature soldiers which Chase and Thirteen brought back from William’s apartment. He scrapes at it with a pocket Knfe] House: (holding up the toy soldier) Plumbum nigrum. Chase: You putting a hex on someone? Foreman: It's latin, for black lead. House: Our Knight/Warlock apparently also dabbles in alchemy. Chase: Lead poisoning. Taub: Seizures, paralysis, weak immune system, and eventually, coma. House: Biopsy the cysts, and you'll find your lead. [Cut to Wilson and Sam entering Wilson’s condo] Sam: You think we'll make the 7:30? Wilson: (putting his coat, mail and briefcase on the entry table) I'm sorry, if I don't change, I'm gonna feel like I'm at work all night. Sam: Yeah, I remember. Wilson: Is it a problem? Sam: Not at all. (putting her arms around his neck) In fact, if we hurry— [They kiss in the entry hall] Wilson: We will definitely not make the 7:30. Sam: Well, there's always the 9:40. Wilson: (as they kiss again) Hmm. [They continue to make out until they hear House singing and realize they are not alone. Sam sighs] Sam: Or not. [The scene shifts to House in the kitchen, wearing an apron, and spooning some filling into canapés. He is singing Pastime with Good Company. Sam and Wilson enter] Wilson: Shouldn't you be at the hospital? House: Wouldn't need a team if I did all the work, now, would I? Plus, I had to make you dinner. Wilson: We have plans. House: I bet your plans don't taste like this. [He approaches them with the tray of canapés] Wilson: (stopping Sam from taking one) Don't! House, whatever it is that you're up to — House: I'm trying to be nice. What I did the other night was juvenile. I'm sorry. [Sam takes a canapé. The camera shifts to an exterior sht of the condo. Through the window, Sam, Wilson and House are seen having supper] [The scene shifts back inside. The three of them seem to be enjoying themselves] Sam: The souffle was amazing. House: (He pours more wine for each of them) It's my mom's recipe. Everything else, I got off the Web. Wilson: Here's to the Internet. [They clink glasses in a toast] House: Where I found the lamb ragout, and you two found each other... Again. Wilson: Well, it wasn't just the Internet. Sam: Yeah, more like, divorce, depression, therapy, more therapy, and the Internet. House: And here we are. Wilson: Exactly. And here we are. Sam: Hmm. Wilson: Well, I need to go to the bathroom. House: I think you're old enough, now. But if you would like me to come along with you... Wilson: I mean, is it safe to leave the two of you? Sam: Come on, James. Enough, already. House: Yeah, James, I cook in peace. Wilson: Okay. I'll be right back. [Wilson leaves to go to the bathroom. House leans forward toward Sam with a pleasant smile on his face] House: You're a cold-hearted bitch, who ripped his heart out. I watched him struggle for years to overcome the damage you did. And there's no way I'm going to just let you reel him back in so you can do it all over again. Sam: And all this? House: Phase two of getting to know my enemy. Sam: You're wrong about me. But I'm glad now I don't have to pretend to like you, except for when James is standing next to me. House: Same here. Only difference is, I'll outlast you. [They hear the bathroom door close. House gestures with his hand as if lowering a theatre curtain and picks up his wine glass] House: End scene. Wilson: (coming back into the room) Well, it's too late for the movie. Wanna see what's on tv? House: Absolutely. Sam: Love to. [Cut to the team gathered in House’s office. House enters] Foreman: There wasn't any lead present in his blood work or liver biopsy. Taub: And his heart rate and BP are getting even more erratic. Chase: We had to shock it back into rhythm twice during the night. [House takes off his backpack and twirls his cane] House: There's only one thing left to do. [Cut to House and Thirteen at the Renaissance Faire. This time they are both dressed in period costume. Thirteen seems uncomfortable with the low-cut bodice of the dress she is wearing. House, of course, is appreciative. They talk as they walk down the crowded dirt street] Thirteen: We're wasting our time. House: Actually, I've already gotten good value. Thirteen: I told you, there's nothing here that could have caused any of his symptoms. House: No, you told me that you couldn't find anything here that could be causing the symptoms. Thirteen: And now we're gonna find something new because we're in costume? We looked everywhere, tested everything. Just because Wilson's acting stupid doesn't mean we are. House: Do you think he's making a mistake? Thirteen: Of course. But he'll figure it out, sooner or later. Hopefully, after a few weeks of great sex. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. House: Wilson's not like us. He cares too much about people and their feelings. Thirteen: Thanks for the compliment. House: The code that our Knight claims to live by, all that crap about honor and chivalry. Wilson's naturally like that, which is why he's— Thirteen: A great guy? House: A sucker and a target. So we gotta look out for him. Do you smell that? Thirteen: Yeah, it's the apothecary shop. And yes, Foreman and I already... (she is talking to herself as House has already headed toward the apothecary shop) [Cut to inside the shop] Shop Clerk: I cry your pardon, Sir. House: (picking a bottle off a shelf) You know what this is? Shop Clerk: Well, that's lavender. House: Try rose hips. (He puts it back) Thirteen: Both harmless, who cares? House: It could be cyanide as far as he knows. (He picks up another bottle) How about this? Shop Clerk: It be nothing but St. John's Wort. House: Wrong again. Black cohash. Shop Clerk: My Uncle owns the shop. I just started apprenticing. What the big deal? [House notices some dried herbs hanging from a line at the back of the shop. He rummages through them] Shop Clerk: Hey! I just organized all that. House: (holding up a tuberous plant) You know what this is? Shop Clerk: A wild carrot? House: It's hemlock, you embossed carbuncle. Shop Clerk: That's hemlock? You sure? House: Did you sell it to anyone? Thirteen: It's poison; think hard. Shop Clerk: It was just one branch. House: You sold it to Sir William? Shop Clerk: No. To the King. House: (He looks at Thirteen) It's the only part of the environment you didn't check. The people living in it. [Cut to Miles and Shannon in a waiting room at PPTH. House and Thirteen come in, still in costume] Miles: What's going on? Why can't we see William? House: Because you poisoned him. Your royal anus. (He holds up the hemlock) With this. Miles: Wild carrots? House: Hemlock. I need to know how much you used and how you prepared it. Shannon: You did something to William? Miles: No, of course not! Thirteen: He's still alive. You want to avoid a mrder charge, start talking fast. House: The apothecary's willing to testify that you're the only one he gave it to. Miles: Okay, yeah, maybe I bought it for the food challenge, but I didn't know that was hemlock. House: If it was for the challenge, then why is wee Willie the only Knight who's dying? Miles: I don't know! I'm telling you, I didn't know. Why would I want to hurt William? Thirteen: I can think of at least one reason. Shannon: Miles, please. Whatever happened, just tell them the truth. Miles: I am! I swear. [Cut to House and Thirteen (still in costume) entering William’s room where the rest of the team is waiting] Foreman: We ran a gas chromatography on his blood. Found trace amounts of piperidine alkaloids. Chase: The main markers of hemlock intoxication. House: Well, the good news is we now know what's wrong with you. The bad news is that your King's precious ideals were just pretend after all. At least, when it comes to guys who get too close to his Queen. William: It's not true. House: I guess you've never heard the expression, "gas chromatography machines don't lie." William: Neither does Miles. He's the best Knight I've ever known. It's why he was chosen King. House: Miles is a jealous idiot. And you're just an idiot. Taub: Uh, something's wrong. We performed a gastric lavage and administered activated charcoal, but he's getting worse, not better. House: Well, it's been in his system two days. We're lucky he's lasted this long. Taub: If it was hemlock, he'd either be dad already or getting better with treatment. Foreman: It's hemlock, we found it in his blood. Taub: He may have had some hemlock, but it's not what's klling him. [Cut to House staring at his reflection in the sword. He is sitting in the Eames chair in his office] Lucas: Don't do it! (Lucas comes into the office) Whatever you're planning, especially if you're gonna use that thing. Geez. House: It was just sitting in a stone. Lucas: (tossing an envelope onto House’s lap) Here. It's gonna cost extra, because of the level of detail that you wanted. House: Anything good? And by good, I, of course, mean bad. Lucas: (sitting down on House’s desk) Nope, pretty much your typical life. Married young, got divorced. Married a little less young, got divorced. She's been pretty successful in everything she's done, except marriage. House: (getting up from the chair) Well, there's gotta be something I can use. Lucas: Maybe. Didn't read her shrink's notes. Didn't seem right. House: But stealing them did. Lucas: Whoa, I didn't steal them. I found a way to obtain them. [Sam enters through the open door of the office. House turns to look at her as she speaks] Sam: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but you got a minute? Lucas: Sure. (House looks back at Lucas) Oh, him? Yeah, I was just leaving. [Lucas leaves and House brandishes the sword as Sam moves closer] House: Careful. I have a sword. Sam: (pushing the sword toward the floor) I don't agree with what you said. But I understand why you said it. We were married young, we both made mistakes, and yes, I did make most of them. But that was almost a decade ago. House: I'm sorry, is that the statutory period for soul sucking? Sam: I'm not asking you to like me, House. To be honest, I think you're an ass. But we do have one thing in common. We care about James. House: So prove it. And dump him... again. Sam: You're pretty much insufferable all the time, aren't you? House: Sorry, go on. And, yes. Sam: We just reconnected; we have no idea where we're headed. But is it really too much to ask that you give us a chance to find out? [She looks sincere and House manages to keep his mouth shut for once] Sam: I'm sure I'll be seeing you around. [As Sam leaves, House has his “a ha” moment. He picks up the sword from his desk and holding it up in front of himself, kisses the shiny blade] [Cut to the radiology viewing room. House is explaining his theory to the team] House: We did it. Well, I did it. Chase: What exactly did we do? You do? House: These aren't focal hepatic lesions on his liver, they're peliosis hepitus lesions. Which in combination with an erratic heart rate, usually indicates— Foreman: Endocarditis. Infection on his heart valve. House: Two major symptoms of anabolic steroid abuse. Thirteen: No, he wouldn't. Taub: And the rhabdo makes the third. House: Our patient's a juicer. Ancient poison accelerated the damage of the modern poison. Start treatment; let the King out of the tower. [Cut to Thirteen entering William’s hospital room] Thirteen: How are you feeling? William: Ashamed. Thirteen: You should be. You'll compromise your ideals to win a fight, but not to go for the woman you love. William: That was a game. Not real life. I didn't— Thirteen: Hurt anyone? Try telling that to Shannon. Or maybe I missed something while she was crying by your bed. You don't need to win anyone's heart. You just need to ask for it. [Just the Motion by Richard and Linda Thompson begins to play in the background] William: Miles, is a great guy. He's rich, smart, treats her well. She's gonna have a great life with him. But me? Well, I'd do everything I could for her, but even at my best, it wouldn't be much. And she deserves the best. I guess I'd rather she be happy even if it means I'm not. Thirteen: I guess House was right about that, too. William: What? Thirteen: You really are an idiot. [As the music continues to play, the camera cuts to a brief exterior sht of PPTH at night, then to House sitting in his office at the end of the day. He picks up the envelope marked “confidential” which Lucas brought, and prepares to open it. Instead, he puts it, unopened, in the wastebasket and picks up the bottle of Ibuprofen sitting on the desktop. He shakes out some pills and takes them, washing them down with whatever beverage is in his red mug] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x18 - Knight Fall"}	foreverdreaming
[Make out session in a hotel room. Julia and Damien are undressing each other. A bottle and a glass of champagne can be seen on the table. The couple lies on the bed and keeps on kissing. They are interrupted by a knock on the door.] Julia: Who is it? Tom: It's Tom. Damien: Tom, your husband? What's he doing here? [Julia puts on a robe and opens the door. She smiles at Tom. They stay in the doorway.] Julia: Uh, what's going on? Tom: I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to be here, but Evelyn's school contract's due tomorrow. Julia: I knew I was forgetting something. Let me, uh, find a pen. [Tom enters the room, Damien rise from the bed. They greet quite awkwardly.] Tom: Hey. Damien: Hey. Tom: Not quite sure what Emily Post recommends in this situation, but I'm Tom. (He extends his hand. Damien, who's putting his shirt back on, shakes it.) Damien: Damien. Tom: Sorry to intrude. (Julia signs the paper) I just—I wasn't quite sure when she'd be coming home. Damien: No problem. Julia: Thank you so much for catching this. (She handles the paper back). Tom: Yeah. Well, I'll get out of your way, it was good to meet you, and I'll see you later, hon. (He kisses her). Julia: Bye. (She turns to look at Damien with an embarrassed smile.) Damien: So… seems like a nice guy. Julia: (Her smile changes to a grimace of pain) Ooh. Damien: Jules, you okay? Julia: No, my stomach. Damien: Here. Lie down. (He brings her to the bed.) Julia: Ow! Damien: Try to— Julia: Get Tom. Ow! Damien: (He goes to the door and yells down the hallway.) Tom! [Julia is on the bed, with her legs pulled up in the fetal position. She is gasping in pain.] OPENING CREDITS [Cut to the condo kitchen, where Wilson and Sam are having breakfast. He's sitting at the end of the counter and she's pouring coffee at the other side.] Wilson: You know what would be perfect? Sam: Hmm? Wilson: French toast tower. Sam: You still go to Mickey's? What's your cholesterol? Wilson: It's my one vice. I'm keeping it. Sam: As much as I would love to clog my arteries, I have a 10 o’clock CT and I still have to race home, get changed. Wilson (without looking at her): Maybe you could keep some clothes here. (He glances up at her.) Sam (leaning): Maybe I could. [They kiss. House enters the room with his old robe on and glances at them before opening a cabinet and taking out a mug.] House: He's just trying to get into your skirts. And I don't mean metaphorically. Sam: Well, he's got the legs for it. (She puts the milk back in the fridge. House goes to the coffee maker.) So I will see you tonight? Wilson: Yeah. [They kiss again. House looks suspicious as he pours himself a cup of coffee.] Sam: Bye, House. House: Have a nice day. [Sam leaves.] Wilson (in disbelief): Have a nice day. How civilized. House: I said I'd stay out of it. (He gives Wilson a look). Wilson: What? House: Nothing. Wilson: Clearly, SOMETHING. (We can hear the capitals.) House: Nope. Wilson: House, on a list of your attributes, there's nothing that even rhymes with "coy." House: Okay, I may have seen something in the fridge. Like the end of your relationship. (Nodding to the fridge) She put the milk in the door and not on the shelf. Wilson: It's not a big deal. House: You hate that she did that, but you didn't say anything. (Wilson laughs) Wilson: You're trying to get us to fight. House: No, I'm trying to help. If you got an issue, let her know. Wilson: I should have known that you weren't done sabotaging this. House: Fine. Stew in your irritation. And sure, last time it bubbled over into resentment and rage, leading ultimately to a painful divorce that neither of you ever really recovered from, but I'm sure this time it'll be great. [House leaves. Wilson thinks about this. He quickly goes to the fridge, opens it and put the milk back onto the shelf.] [Cut to PPTH diagnostics conference room, where the whole team is sitting around the table. House enters the room.] Thirteen: Interesting case. 35-year-old woman with fever and abdominal pain. E.R. ruled out all the usual suspects. House (puts his coat on the chair): Stop before you interest me to death. Thirteen: And she's in an open marriage. Foreman (shakes his head, amused): That's not interesting. It's just weird. House (reads the file): Know what's weirder? That other humans are monogamous in the first place. No other species on the planet mates for life and if you're gonna bring up swans, they cheat like everybody else. They just have better PR than rabbits. Taub: Animals also eat their young and kll their rivals. That make it weird that most of us don't? House: Says the guy whose opposable thumbs have been all over how many women who aren't his wife? Taub (rolls his eyes): A functional open marriage is like a unicorn. It's a mythical creature that doesn't exist. Someone always ends up unhappy. Chase: Our patient's unhappy because she's suffering from an intestinal blockage. House: Boring. Then we have to find a reason to rule it out. Chase: What about herpes colitis? She picks up the infection from one of her partners. It takes root in her colon. Thirteen: STD panel was clean. Taub: Chances are, this couple was unhappy in the first place. This is their attempt to save something that never— (He stops, as they are all staring at him). Go on. Foreman: Herpes might not register if she was exposed in the last six weeks. House: But it would show up on a barium enema. (He drops the file on the table and grabs his cane) Chase: Wait. You're gonna do it? House (from the door) Gotta see if our patient's a unicorn or just a slutty horse. Think how much fun Taub could be having. [Cut to exam room. Julia is lying on an exam bed, Tom at her side. House is preparing the enema.] House: Barium coats the inner lining of your colon. Lets us get a good look at it on the X-ray. Tom: I can get somebody else to pick up Evelyn. I feel like I'm abandoning you. Julia: I'm on painkillers. I'd rather this not be what you think of every time you look at my butt. (She takes his hand, he smiles, they kiss, he goes. House shakes the enema bag like maracas, Julia smiles lightly). House: Okay, roll onto your side. It's fill 'er up time. So is Evelyn his new squeeze? Julia: She's our daughter. House: Must be interesting growing up in a production of Oh! Calcutta! Julia: She's six. She knows as much about our sex life as any other kid her age. House: You can explain that she's the reason the two of you stayed married. Julia: You've been in the room five minutes. You got us all figured out. Of course, you left out the part where we love each other and we want to grow old together. House: But you just don't want to be young together. Julia (turns to look at House): Look, when you think about it, tons of couples do what we do. It's just that with most of them, one spouse doesn't know about it. We decided things work better when people tell each other the truth. House: tnk's full. I'll page the radiology elves. [Cut to PPTH lobby, a woman in pink scrubs is considering Taub's tie.] Maya: I'm not saying I hate it. Just doesn't go with your eyes. Taub: You hate it. Maya: Little bit. Taub: Any more heartless critiques of my general appearance? [Thirteen arrives and observes this.] Maya: Nope. All done. (She leaves Taub with a great smile on his face.) Thirteen (amused): So is she as bendy as she looks? Taub: Maya and I are just friends. Thirteen: No, you and I are friends and you don't have coffee with me three times a week. (They start walking together.) Taub: She's an interesting person. She grew up in Ohio. She has three brothers. Thirteen: Fascinating. Last week, that Cambodian lab tech was telling us how he survived the klling Fields and you left to go get a donut. Taub: So we flirt. It's fun. Thirteen: It's dangerous. That woman would totally do you. Taub (hopefully): You think? (Busted) Nothing is gonna happen. Thirteen: All I'm saying is if you want to be on a diet, you might want to stop hanging out by the dessert cart. [Cut to House office, where he is getting coffee.] Thirteen (entering the room): X-ray was clean. She doesn't have herpes colitis or abdominal pain. Taub: It stopped hurting during the X-ray, which means it was just an intestinal blockage that passed. We should discharge her. House: Absolutely. There's no need to find any underlying cause 'cause these things never happen twice. Take her digestive system for a test drive. Give her a radio-opaque milkshake. X-ray every 15 minutes to see if it makes any unscheduled stops on the way through. Thirteen: We'll be here all night. House: No, Taub will be here all night. Talk to the unicorn and then tell me you don't believe. (He puts his glasses on and grabs something to read). [Cut to the condo, where Sam and Wilson are emptying the dishwasher.] Sam: I did an abdominal CT on a kid today and found a six-inch bezoar made entirely of gum. I mean, who gives a three-year-old an endless supply of g— You okay? [Wilson, who was emptying the bottom shelf of the washer, is standing still, staring wordlessly at a big bowl at the bottom.] Wilson: Yeah. [He puts the bowl on the counter, and starts replacing glasses on the top shelf in a mechanical way.] Sam: I mean, there was hair in it and maybe a piece of paper. [Cut to X-Ray room, where Julia is lying on the table.] Taub: So… how long you been married? Julia: One of the few drawbacks of having an open marriage. Nobody ever asks me about current events or the weather. Taub: Yankees look good this season. Julia (laughs): Seven years. Taub: And, uh, how long have you – you know? Julia: After three years, we realized that traditional marriage was making us both miserable. Taub: Most people get divorced at that point. Julia: Yeah, we didn't want to get divorced. We still loved each other. We just realized that expecting one person to fulfill all of your needs forever is unrealistic. Taub: There are happy monogamous couples out there. Julia: Sure. One or two have the perfect marriage. Everybody else has figured out how to settle for less. I don't want to settle and end up resenting my husband. I'd rather get the 10% he doesn't give me somewhere else so that I can really appreciate him for the 90% he does. (Taub has been very seriously considering all she said). I think something's wrong. Taub: With your stomach? Julia: My heart is racing. Taub: Try to take deep breaths. I'm going to try to slow your heart down. [He massages her carotid.] Julia: Is this because of the blockage? Taub: No. It's not working. Need a crash cart in here! [Cut to an exterior view of Julia's room. We see her with a nurse, then the camera shows Tom sitting outside with Chase.] Chase: I need a list of all your sexual partners from the last six months. Tom: Why? Chase: Your wife had an arrhythmia. The progression of symptoms from bowel to heart makes a parasitic infection most likely. Since Julia hasn't been out of the country— Tom: The only place that I've been recently is a business trip to Nebraska. Chase: But either of you could have picked up a bug from one of your partners. Tom: It's kind of… complicated. Chase: How many partners are we talking about? Ballpark. Tom (embarrassed): None. Chase (clearly surprised): None? Tom (even more embarrassed): We have a great sex life. I don't need anyone else. Chase: So why not just tell her that and close this whole thing up? Tom: You married? Chase: I – I was. Tom: Did you ever agree to go see a chick flick with your wife or pretend to enjoy classical music? Chase: Stravinsky never groped my wife in a midtown hotel room. Tom: She needs this. I don't. But I don't want her to feel bad about that. (Chase nods, but doesn't look convinced.) [Cut to House office, close up to his shelf with a lot of knick-knacks- and a Colbert photo, through a magnifying looking glass!] House (hands behind his head): He's lying. Chase: Guy's got a license to drill. Why would he lie about not using it? House: That's not the lie. The lie is that he gives a crap about how his wife feels. If they're both screwing around, that's one thing. But if she has a piece on the side and he doesn't, the only way he'd be okay with that is if he's betraying her in some other way that, in his mind, makes them even. My unicorn isn't a unicorn. It's a donkey with a plunger stuck to its face. (He looks sad, somehow.) Chase: Right. Even the guy who's not cheating is doing it for underhanded reasons. Thirteen: No, no, no. He's not being cynical. He's assuming the husband is doing something to even the score, which means he thinks there is a score, which means, cheating swans aside, House believes in monogamy. He's being romantic. (During this part, House quits the sad look for a warning one, then gestures his hands to Thirteen tone, like it's music). House: What I believe is that men are genetically engineered to be jealous. Doesn't matter if I think there's a score. I guarantee you he does. Any of the wife's partners pan out? Thirteen: She's been with two people other than Tom in the last six months. Neither of them have been outside the tri-state area. House: So we're back to the husband. Chase: You just said you believed— House: He's doing something behind her back. What better cover than a business trip to Nebraska? Like that's really a place. [Cut to Tom and Julia's House, where Chase and Thirteen are investigating.] Chase: Let's find his travel records and get back to work. Thirteen: You seem pretty mellow about this couple's deal. Thought you'd be first in line to shake a finger. Chase: They're still married. I'm not. Not that I could ever do it. I was jealous of House and Cameron never touched him. Thirteen: Not counting the emotional fondling. (Pause). When my mom was dying, my dad had an affair. Chase: He told you this? Thirteen: I'd seen them get out of his car. Two years after mom died, they got married. Chase: That must have sucked. Thirteen: At the time, yeah. But looking back… It makes sense. My mom never knew about it and he needed someone to make him feel less alone. He took care of my mom day in and day out for two and a half years before she died. He was devoted to her. Loving someone else didn't change that. Chase: So loving two people at once is fine as long as one of them is dying? Thirteen: Whoever's taking care of me when I get sick, I hope they've got someone else to take care of them. [She goes investigate another room. He checks a folder he pulled from a file cabinet.] Chase: Tom was telling the truth. He really did go to Nebraska. Plane ticket and restaurant seats. Thirteen: Forget Nebraska. (She comes back showing a loofah). Maybe they just bought their parasites at the mall. [Cut to Taub and his wife having dinner in a restaurant.] Taub: You know, we should really throw away that loofah. They're imported. Sometimes they're not sterilized. We think our patient got amoebiasis from hers. Rachel: Is she gonna be okay? Taub: We're treating now. She should be fine. It's actually kind of bizarre. She and her husband have an open marriage. Rachel: They sleep with other people? Taub: Well, she does. Her husband's totally fine with it. I mean, it's crazy, right? Rachel: And you're bringing this up because? Taub: I thought it was interesting. Rachel: More interesting than your other cases, I guess. I mean, you talk about your colleagues, you rant about House. You don't usually mention your patients. Is open marriage something you want? Taub: No. I mean… I know you'd never… Rachel (sighs, and speaks softly): All this time and energy you spent convincing me you weren't cheating… And there's somebody else. Taub: I'm not— [They both stay silent while the waiter pours water.] Taub: Okay. There's a woman at work. People say she's attracted to me, but nothing's happened. Nothing's going to happen. I'm not having an affair. Rachel: But you want to. Taub: No, honey. I'm trying to be honest. I don't want to make the same mistakes. Rachel: Be honest then. Are you attracted to her? Taub: Look… she's attractive. There's an attraction. Aren't there men who make you feel that way? Rachel: Of course there are, but it never occurs to me to act on it because- because I'm married… to you. And that's enough for me. Aren't I enough for you? Taub: Of course you are. (His pager beeps.) Our patient's lost all movement in her legs. Rachel: There are other doctors, Chris. We're talking. Taub: I'm sorry. The woman's paralyzed. I'll get a cab. [He leaves. Rachel looks like she's about to cry.] [Cut to Julia's room where she is dropped on her bed by attendants, then to the Diagnostics office. House is listening intently, but maybe not to the case.] Taub: Tests show no spinal cord injury, no cerebral lesions, no hemorrhage. Chase: Finally got a stool sample. The loofah's innocent. No sign of amoebas or any other parasites. Foreman: So paralysis, arrhythmia, and intermittent abdominal pain. House: And he nicked himself shaving. Sorry. That was Taub. But it was easier to solve. Means he used the crappy razor in his locker, which means he slept here. Taub: Thanks to you. I brought up open marriage with Rachel. It was a disaster. [All men stare open mouthed, Thirteen frowns.] House: On the medical front, we've knocked out sex and foreign travel. Could be an electrolyte imbalance. Taub: So the only time you're not interested in my marriage is after you blow it up? Houses: You're the moron who took marital advice from Tila Tequila. Taub: You pushed me into this. House: Figured it would either blow up your marriage or make it more honest. Either way, you win. Chase (suffering sigh, then): What about sex? I'm talking about the patient. Is that cool with everybody? Foreman: We've ruled out sex. Chase: We ruled out sex with other people. Tom said he and Julia have been doing it three or four times a week and she's got boys on the side. Foreman: Increased libido can be a symptom of adrenocortical carcinoma, which also explains her other symptoms. Thirteen (annoyed): A woman who likes sex must be sick? (Foreman looks at her rather blankly) House: Just because everybody in this room wishes that all women were horny all the time doesn't make it so. (Chase looks amused.) Get an MRI of her adrenal glands. [They all get up and go, and House stays sitting, watching Taub.] [Cut to the den in Wilson's condo. He is reading a newspaper. Sam comes in with a mug.] Sam: Hi. Okay if I take the sports page? Wilson: Sure. [She puts the mug on the coffee table. Wilson stares at it blankly.] Wilson: Would you mind using a coaster? Sam: Oh. Sure. Sorry. Wilson: It's okay. (He smiles apologetically, then he stops pretending and lets go). Also, it'd be great if you'd replace the toilet paper when you finish a roll. And when you load the dishwasher, you can't put a big, flat bowl on the bottom. (Sam is taken aback). It traps the water so nothing on the top gets clean. And please don't throw banana peels in the bedroom trash. Sam: I haven't done any of those things. Wilson: You're probably not even aware of— Sam: I hate bananas. Wilson (folds his paper, realizing): Oh, my God. It was House. I'm sorry. He's been trying to get us to fight. Sam: Why would he think that stuff would make us fight? Wilson: Because of the milk. You put it in the door. The body of the refrigerator is the coldest part. The temperature in the door fluctuates, which decreases shelf life. Sam (sounding slightly sarcastic): Wow. When did you get all OCD? Wilson: I just want clean dishes and unspoiled milk so we can all stay healthy. Sam: Oh, it's about health. What about the coaster? Does that replenish my B-12 or something? Wilson: Can we just drop it? Sam: Sure. (They go back to reading for a very short time , then she drops the newspaper). You have this list of annoyances the entire time we were married? [Cut to Julia's room, where her husband and daughter are visiting. Taub and Thirteen are busy. Julia's on oxygen and she's got a saturometer on her right index finger.] Paula: Get better, mommy. Julia: I love you, rabbit. (She kisses her index finger, then brings it to Paula's face, several times). Tom: Julia, you have a guest. (He nods to the door. He doesn't look pleased. Julia turns her head and we see Damien, coming in with flowers.) Damien: Hi. Tom (dryly): This isn't a good time. Julia: Dr. Hadley, did you say there was a video game in the playroom? Thirteen (nodding, to Paula): Maybe you can teach me how to play one of them. [Paula smiles and nods.] Thirteen: See you in radiology. [She leaves with Paula, Taub stays, disapprovingly taking Julia's blood pressure. Tom walks on Damien.] Tom: Get out of my wife's room. Your relationship with her stays out of our space. Damien: I was worried about her. Julia: Tom's right. You should go. Damien: So it's fine if we have sex, but if I drop by to see if you're okay— Tom (detaching every word): This is our family. (Julia says nothing, but we can see she's approving.) Damien (softly): Sorry. (He leaves, with the flowers. Taub looks pensive.) [Cut to the condo, where Wilson and Sam are clearly having an escalating argument. They are in the bedroom. He’s trying to put on a tie. She leans in the doorway, arms crossed.] Wilson (collar up, fighting with his tie): I spent two years of residency wearing shirts that were a size too small. Sam: How hard is it to ask me not to put them in the dryer? And I only did your laundry because you were never home. Wilson: I didn't ask you to. Sam: Of course you didn't. You just got annoyed whenever you didn't have clean underwear. Wilson: I never said I was annoyed. Sam: That's the point. You didn't say anything. Wilson (voice raising): So I'm getting a lecture on communication from someone who had her lawyer inform me our marriage was over. [He finally has his tie on and leaves, while Sam thinks about it.] [Cut to PPTH radiology room, where Taub and Thirteen are sitting behind a scan computer.] Thirteen (admiring): Asking for an open marriage. You got stones. Taub: Conversation sort of got away from me. It was a train wreck. Thirteen: I think it's good you brought it up. I read a study that found men who have multiple copies of a certain vasopressin receptor are twice as likely to be unfaithful. Maybe you're just one of those guys. (She rolls her eyes, really comically, trying to convince him. He doesn't look pleased.) Taub: So my cheating is biologically predetermined? (Rolls his eyes). Fantastic. Thirteen: Multiply times five. We need a better look at the medulla. I thought you'd be relieved. This gets you off the hook. It's just genetics. Taub (flatly, but managing to sound bitter): I'm 5'6" and have a receding hairline. I hate genetics. Medulla's clean. Thirteen (amused): I don't see you wearing lifts or hair plugs. Taub: That's because being short and bald doesn't hurt anybody. Thirteen (supportive): The only thing hurtful about your other genetic predisposition is that you keep denying it. It's not good for you or Rachel. Taub: There's nothing there. It's not adrenal cancer. And maybe you're right about me. But I'm not gonna stop trying. Rachel's worth it. Thirteen (looking closely at the screen): Look up there. The lung. What is that? [Cut to the condo. Wilson and Sam are now arguing in the living room. Wilson is speaking very, very loudly. Sam is all defensive, arms still crossed.] Wilson: You served me with divorce papers in the middle of a medical conference in New Orleans (gesturing). I threw a bottle into an antique mirror. Sam: Oh, you exhibited an emotion? I wish I'd known you were capable. Wilson: I loved you. I thought I was gonna be following you to Baltimore, remember? (He gets in lecturing mode). I called about apartments. I set up interviews. Sam (interrupting, not impressed, and clearly pissed off): How could you think that we still had a real marriage? We hadn't had a conversation in months. Wilson: Maybe because I was working two jobs to support us. Sam (it's her turn to shout): No! No! It's because when you were home, it was like talking to a block of ice. You were obviously so pissed off at me. Wilson: I was klling myself so that you could take that non-paying internship— Sam (cuts him off): That you said that I should take. Wilson (yelling): I was trying to be supportive! Why do I have to be the bad guy? Sam: Expressing yourself does not make you the bad guy. Wilson (coldly): Okay, then. You were being a selfish bitch. [He leaves. Sam is on the verge of tears.] [Cut to House office.] Thirteen: VQ scan confirmed the spot on Julia's lung was a clot. House (sitting, legs on the desk, playing with a rubber band): Think there's a chance the husband's a plushie? Thirteen: If he has a secret, I highly doubt it's more relevant than the clot. House: Clotting disorder would explain everything. (We hear the office door opening.) Question is, which one? [Enters Cuddy, with a very girly baby pink sweater. House eyes her suspiciously.] Cuddy: Do you read any of your departmental memos? House: Only the ones labeled, "n-s-f-w." Cuddy (goes to a table, takes some papers): Accounting notified you two days ago about your patient's insurance. House: Sorry, that's "n-n-s-f-w." Cuddy (Handing him the papers): Here. He doesn't have any. Try not to bankrupt them. House: Oh, I'm long past the number of procedures that'll bankrupt them. Thirteen: Julia's got insurance. I saw the policy number on the form. Cuddy: But the policy lapsed due to non-payment. I already made three calls about this. (She extends her arms) You should have been aware of that. (House throws the files on his desk and gets up.] [Cut to Julia's room. She is in her bed. Tom is at her side. House and Thirteen are at the foot of the bed.] Julia (sounding tired): No, there's just a mistake. Of course we have health insurance. Tom (his shoulders have dropped a little): We're actually a little behind on the premiums. But I pulled money out of my retirement account to cover it. They said that we'll be fine in— Julia: Why the retirement account? Thirteen: We'll just give you a few minutes to— (She pinches House's arm and start to go. He turns, but doesn't move). House: By "we," she means "she." (Thirteen sighs and stays). Tom: I lost all of our savings. (Julia looks startled.) House (turns to Thirteen): Sounds like a secret to me. [And we are back to House office.] Thirteen enters: I started her on heparin to prevent further clots, but we still don't know what's going on. House (pacing, still shaking his rubber band with the hand not holding the cane): Of course the husband's secret was money. If it's not sex, it's always money. Unless it's sex for money. How did he lose it anyway? Thirteen: It's not medically relevant. You're not gonna care. House: Wilson's been teaching me how to care. Try me. Thirteen: He builds wind turbines and leases them out to local power companies. House: You're right. I don't care. (Heavy rubber band shaking). Clotting disorder: DIC. Factor five leiden, antiphospholipid syndrome. Thirteen: Vitamin K deficiency also fits. Causes thrombophilia and is consistent with abdominal pain. [Wilson enters. Lecturing voice, and looking really angry.] Wilson: Congratulations, House. Sam ended it. Thirteen (concerned): What happened? House: Go test our patient's blood… Thirteen: But it can wait five minutes. House: … for everything we discussed. (Thirteen leaves. House turns to Wilson.) I'm sorry. Wilson (sighing): Well, at least you're actually taking responsibility for once in your life. House (correcting): Sorry that she left but it's not my fault. I didn't even want to get involved. You dragged it out of me. (He seems sincere. He sits down on his desk chair.) Wilson (looking puzzled): What about the dishwasher and the banana? House (scoffing): She left because of the banana. I just wanted you to stand up for yourself. (Wilson sighs and closes his eyes, then shakes his head). Tell her what you want. If doing that causes her to walk out for the second time, well, your relationship wasn't gonna last anyway. Wilson: Or you could have stayed out of it. I could have kept my mouth shut, been annoyed sometimes, but I'd be happy, because I'd still be with her. (House listens, still playing with his red rubber band). Now all I have is cold milk. (He starts to leave.) House: As long as you're free, you want to grab some dinner? (Wilson looks like he wants to strangle House, but leaves anyway.) [Cut to Julia's room, where Thirteen is drawing blood.] Thirteen: Did Tom go home for the night? Julia: For starters. I told him to leave. I don't want him here. Thirteen: Money is a complicated subject. Julia: Yeah, it's not the money. I mean, the — the money's bad, but… (She sighs deeply and puts her head back on her pillow.) When we first opened our marriage, I got involved with a guy who lied about being single. Then one day, his wife calls me. She's crying and screaming and totally out of control. And I felt… superior. I thought I don't ever have to worry about feeling this way because Tom and I are honest with each other. Well, here I am. [Cut to Taub's apartment. He slowly enters the bedroom where Rachel is folding laundry.] Taub: Hi. Sorry I didn't make it home last night. I needed to run some tests. Rachel (She goes on with the chore, and speaks without looking at him): You know what the worst part was? When you had your affair… Wasn't the sex. It was the lies. Realizing that the narrative of my life was totally wrong. You weren't stuck in surgery. You weren't out of town. I don't want to go through that again. Taub: I told you nothing's going— Rachel (she looks up and speaks softly, but firmly): Thursday nights. You have to be home by midnight. You don't bring her here. You don't talk to her about me and I don't want to meet her ever in any context. Taub: Are you giving me permission to sleep with other women? Rachel (little, bitter smile): It's what you want, isn't it? Taub: I want you. Rachel (sad smile again): No, you want more than me. You want that… thrill. But I love you. And I really believe that you love me… and we have a good life together. And at this point, either I walk away or I try to accept who you really are. Taub: Tomorrow's Thursday. Rachel (quietly): Yes, it is. [She goes back to the laundry basket.] [Cut to PPTH aerial view, then diagnostics conference room. The team is sitting, House is pacing.] Thirteen: All our tests came back negative. It's not a clotting disorder. House: Which means we need to come up with a better idea. So what causes problems in the stomach, heart, nerves? (Taub is waving pages of the file, looking somewhat smug. House stops, takes a deep breath, gets his trademark epiphany look). House: Oh, my God. Chase: You know what it is? House (bending and sniffing Taub. Thirteen and Chase are perplex): Taub's wife gave the green light for an open marriage. (He smiles, Thirteen smiles, Chase is puzzled). He's wearing cologne, but not the stink of shame. (To Taub.) You got a date. Taub (even more smug): I am going out with Maya tonight with Rachel's blessing. [House looks proud, Thirteen smiles, Chase in awe, Foreman is frowning.] Foreman: Mazel Tov? Chase (still looking at Taub, open-mouthed): Maybe the problem isn't her blood. Maybe it's the vessels carrying the blood. Foreman: No sign of schistocytes or hemolysis. So you're actually going to sleep with another woman then go home to your wife? House: Thank God someone's keeping us focused on what's really important. (He sits next to Taub and watches him closely.) Thirteen: Taub was gonna do all of that anyway. Pulmonary arterial hypertension. House: Imaging showed normal diameter in her pulmonary artery. Here's a thought — (They all pay attention.) Taub's wife is now totally on the market. Mind hitting me with her digits? [We hear several pager rings. They all check, except House.] Taub: She would love that, but duty calls. [Cut to Julia's room. She is crying in pain. A nurse is trying to calm her. Chase and Taub run inside.] Taub: What's the matter? Julia: My stomach. Chase: Same pain as before? Julia: Yeah, but worse. Chase: Get the portable ultrasound in here. We need to get a look at her belly. Julia (yelping): Help me! [Cut to the exterior of Julia's room. She is breathing quickly, obviously in pain. The whole team is looking at her from the corridor. They are all standing, House is sitting, extending his bad leg and rubbing it.] House: Pain, pain went away, came back another day. Question is, what brought it back? Taub: Physical exam was unrevealing. Ultrasound was clean. Foreman (unimpressed): So afterwards, are you gonna shower at your girlfriend's or at home? Taub: Patient. Abdominal pain. House: Yeah, he's right. Let's get this wrapped up before 6. Taub turns back into a faithful pumpkin at midnight. Chase (thoughtfully): Patient was out with her boy toy before she came in. Maybe the pain was triggered by sexual excitement. Thirteen: Because lying alone in a hospital bed contemplating bankruptcy — hot. Chase: My point was that arousal is a function of the parasympathetic nervous system. If that's where the problem is, the pain could be triggered by crying, which seems— House: PNS also controls digestion, which she's been doing without screaming her head off since she's been here. Taub: What if what matters isn't when the pain started, but when it stopped? Foreman: It was during an X-ray. You think that cured her? Taub: No, but House prepped her for the X-ray with a barium enema. Chase: Well, that wouldn't treat anything except— [They stop and get a general epiphany.] House (nodding): Go. [Cut to PPTH corridor, Chase and Taub are bringing Julia's bed to surgery.] Chase: You're in pain because part of your intestine folded in on itself. It's called an intussusception. Taub: It's cutting off blood flow. We need to fix it before your bowel gets necrotic and dies. [They hurry.] Julia: Once you do that, will I get better? Taub: When this happens in adults, it's usually a sign of abdominal cancer. We'll fix the overlap, and then search your intestine for tumors. [Cut to Cuddy's office. House is on his knees in front of a bright new espresso machine, steaming milk. Enters Cuddy, who takes off her lab coat, hangs it and looks at him suspiciously.] House: Foam? Cuddy: I have a bad feeling about this. House (innocent tone): A friend can't spontaneously buy an overpriced Italian espresso machine for another friend? Cuddy (not buying it): What did you do? [House stands up with difficulty and hands her the coffee cup. She takes it and sits behind her desk. He walks to the desk while rubbing his thigh] House: Nothing. That's the beauty. I genuinely tried to help Wilson. I told him to stand up for himself, which you know is legitimate advice. And his relationship blew up. Cuddy (looks concerned): Is he okay? House (dismissing): Ah, he'll be fine. Point is, I realized something. I do nice things, nice things happen to me. Karma works. Cuddy: So you're paying it forward? House: If this should somehow lead to Lucas dying or oral sex, so be it. (Cuddy looks somewhat entertained.) House (joins hands in a yoga gesture and salutes): Namaste. [He leaves. Cuddy's amused look remains.] [Cut to operating room, and operating table, where Taub and Chase are unfolding Julia's intestine.] Taub: Think I should wear a tie tonight? Chase: This isn't weird at all. I mean, where's Rachel eating tonight? Taub: Home. Chase: What if she's going out too? She is allowed to, right? Taub: Of course. It's only fair. But I don't think she will. Operating Nurse: Your wife only eats dinner at home? Taub: If she did go out, that would be tough, but I think I can handle it. Chase: Don't do it unless you're sure. Taub: I know I'd rather be jealous than a liar. (They are still examining the intestine.) Got something here. Kelly clamp and scalpel. [Cut to House office, Chase and Taub are still in scrubs. House has his coat on and fills his backpack, preparing to leave.] Chase: Biopsy showed non-specific inflammation, which suggests IBD, only it doesn't explain the cardiac problems. Taub: Or her declining kidney function. We ran panels during surgery. House: Actually, IBD does make sense, 'cause it could trigger ankylosing spondylitis, which would explain the heart and the kidneys. Start her on sulfasalazine and TNF inhibitors. (They follow him in the corridor. House enters the elevator.) Oh, and Taub, I'm not gonna see you before you head off for Gomorrah. Just remember, if you get disoriented… breathe through your nose and look for the horizon. [Elevator closes. Taub smiles, then looks at his pager, which is beeping. His smile fades.] [Cut to PPTH parking lot. Rachel is waiting, leaning on the car. Taub arrives, walking fast.] Rachel (voice rough): I can't. I really thought I could do this. Logically, it makes perfect sense. But… all afternoon, all I kept thinking about was the two of you, together, and you touching her (her voice fails). Taub: Nothing's happened. It's okay. Rachel (crying): I'm sorry. 'Cause I really wanted it— Taub: No. I've been an idiot, and I don't need anything else. I just need you. Rachel: You mean that? Taub: I do. I love you, Rachel. (They hug. She half laughs, half cries.) Rachel: I love you too. Taub: Let's go home. Rachel: Is that okay? Taub: There are other doctors. (He hugs her and they walk away). [Cut to conference room, where we see, from above, Chase writing on the whiteboard. The whiteboard is covered with multiple disease names, neatly listed. The team is sitting in front of it, looking defeated.] Foreman: The treatment's not working. Her left kidney failed last night. The other one's right behind it. It's not ankylosing spondylitis. Chase: Kidney biopsy showed she had IgA nephropathy, which could be caused by or associated with (gestures to the whiteboard) any of these conditions. Taub: We've gone from too few ideas to too many, and our patient's running out of time. House: Why the lack of afterglow? Physio girl not as freaky as you'd hoped? Taub: I went home with my wife. Thirteen (puffing): After all that, you chickened out. Taub: I can't hurt Rachel like that. Sickle cell anemia would have shown on blood tests. No flattened intestinal villi rules out celiac. (They all stare at him. He stops.) Seriously? Our patient's dying, and we can't move past my sex life? House: Seriously, you'd think it'd k*ll her if we spend 15 seconds mocking you? Chase (matter-of-factly): Time's up. Normal liver enzymes rules out Hep B and cirrhosis. (He crosses them.) Thirteen: Alport and anti-GbM antibody are both untreatable, so if she has them we can't help her. (Chases crosses those out too.) Chase: And it can't be Henoch-Schonlein purpura. (He crosses it off.) No inciting respiratory infection and no rash. House: I don't care what it's not. I want to know what it could be. Thirteen: Well, everything left on the list. House (examining the list): The list was not created equal. (He turns back.) Neither was man, by the way. Taub: Hemochromatosis is a possibility. Excess iron builds up, causes problems throughout the body. Foreman: Weil's syndrome also affects multiple organ systems, and it wouldn't have been treated by the antibiotic the E.R. gave her. Thirteen: Sarcoidosis makes sense too. House: Good. Treat for those three. [The team leaves. House keeps looking at the whiteboard. He doesn't look convinced.] [Cut to Julia room, Thirteen is sitting by her side, Taub is at the foot of the bed.] Thirteen: I think you should call Tom. Julia: Am I gonna die? Thirteen: I don't know. Julia: If he walked in here right now, I'd look in his face and all I would think is "liar". Thirteen: Don't you think that's kind of unfair? You say honesty's all-important, but you conveniently ignore the truth that some truths hurt people. Tom lied to protect you. Julia: He was covering his ass. Thirteen: I'm not talking about the money. Tom hasn't slept with anyone else in over a year. Julia: He told you that? (Thirteen nods.) So my entire marriage is a sham? Thirteen: No. Your husband, who only wants you, lied so that you could be happy. That seems pretty real to me. [Cut to Wilson office. He is working late. There is a knock on the door.] Wilson: Yeah? (Sam enters the room. She looks nervous.) Sam: Hey. Wilson: Hey. Sam (she closes the door.): Listen, I'm sorry. Wilson: Me too. I shouldn't have said— Sam (interrupting him): No, you were right. I was selfish back then. I'm trying to change. And I don't know if it's House or what, but… you're different too. Wilson: I'm trying. (He gets up and approaches her.) I always thought that I was keeping the peace, but I was just resenting you and giving you a reason to leave. [Sam smiles at him and hugs him.] Sam: I wish we had this fight ten years ago. Wilson: Is it okay if we don't give House the credit? Sam: Oh, I recommend it. (Wilson laughs, they kiss.) [Cut to Julia's room, where Tom is back, holding her hand. The team is in the doorway.] Thirteen: "O" for three. Her kidney function is still declining. We're gonna need to start dialysis. House: Glad the husband's back. After missing so many little deaths, he should be here for the big one. Top six, anyone? Taub: Polyarteritis nodosa? House: We'd have seen some improvement on prednisone. (Looking at flowers in the room.) Guy's wife's dying, and he stops to buy flowers. Thirteen: They're from his garden. Mercury poisoning fits. House: Those are lilacs. My mom used to grow lilacs. My dad made her get rid of them, 'cause there were too many bees. We ruled out HSP 'cause there was no inciting respiratory infection. But in rare cases, it can also be triggered by a bee sting. Thirteen: We also ruled it out because there's no rash. House: Maybe we just didn't see it. [They enter the room.] House: Have you been stung by a bee recently? Julia: Uh, about a month ago. [Foreman grabs a box of gloves. House puts a pair on.] Tom: What's going on? House (starts examining Julia's skin): I think your wife has Henoch-Schonlein Purpura. Systemic vasculitis can cause lesions and inflammations throughout the body. It's pretty awful, which explains why it was named after a German. Actually, two Germans. Lesions can pop up in the heart, sometimes in the kidneys, but always on the skin. Means you'd have a rash somewhere. Julia: I don't. House: Not that you know of. Okay, I'm gonna have to check your holes. I'll start with the mouth. If there's nothing there, then things might have to get kinky. Say aah. (He gets a light.) Julia: Aah. (When she opens her mouth, we all see a purpuric rash on the roof of her mouth. House looks disappointed.) House: I was kinda hoping for kinky. Tom: Is that good or bad? Thirteen: We'll treat her with high-dose IVIG and cyclophosphamide. You should be fine. Julia: I'm gonna be okay. I love you. (They hold hands. The team leaves the room.) House: That is adorable. Other than you still wanting to have sex with other dudes, and him bankrupting your family, I think you kids are pretty much home free. [Cut to the condo. Sam and Wilson are playing cards and drinking wine.] Sam: Mm-hmm? Wilson: And… (He puts down some more cards. House enters the room and looks at them.) House: You two made up? Sam (not looking at him): No. House: You can thank me later. Sam: I'm all-in. Wilson (he smiles at her, and doesn't acknowledge House's presence.): All right. (He throws his cards.) Fold. [Sam laughs. House has opened the fridge. He still has his coat on. He looks at them and seems hurt. He then looks in the fridge, takes the milk on the shelf and put it back in the door. He leaves the room, limping heavily, and they pay no attention to him.] [Cut to PPTH parking lot. Jude’s “The Way That You Want Me” plays during the entire scene. Maya is struggling with her car trunk and packages. Taub passes by to go to his car. He stops, sighs and goes back to her.] Taub: You need a hand? [He takes the packages and puts them in the car.] Maya: Thanks. Taub: Sorry about canceling the other night. Maya: Me too. [They stare at each other, then start to kiss.] Maya: You wanna go somewhere? [She smiles. Taub hesitates very briefly, then gets in her car.] END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x19 - Open and Shut"}	foreverdreaming
[Scene opens on a wonderful sht of a bride standing in front of a leaded glass window on a sunny day. Birds are chirping in the background, and it is very peaceful. Footsteps are heard and a man (her father) approaches from behind her. She turns and smiles at him] Nicole’s Father: Hey. Nicole: Hi. Nicole’s Father: The car's full of gas. (She gives him a look of exasperation) You sure? Nicole: And if I'm not? Nicole’s Father: You'll be paying me back for those damn invitations. Nicole: Oh, well, than never mind. (They both laugh) Ted is a wonderful man, dad. He's the second greatest guy I ever met. [An organ starts to play in the background] Nicole’s Father: Guess that's us. Nicole: Mm-hmm. [Cut to father and daughter walking arm and arm down the center isle of a beautiful old church. shts of the flower girl and the groomsmen are interspersed with the trip down the isle. They reach the front of the church where the groom waits for his bride. Nicole’s father gives her a kiss] [The scene is now on Ted and Nicole at the alter. They smile and giggle at one another] Reverend Bowden: Into this Holy estate, these two persons present now come to be joined. And so if any person may show just cause why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace. [Nicole and Ted turn to look at the congregation. No one speaks] Reverend Bowden: That's what I like to hear. Do you, Theodore Philip Taylor, take Nicole Margaret Murray to be your wife, and promise before God and these witnesses to be her loving and faithful husband, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, so long as you both shall live? Ted: I— I— (He doesn’t seem to be able to speak) Nicole: (whispering) This isn't funny, Ted. [Ted puts his hand on his chest] Ted: Uh... Nicole: Ted. Reverend Bowden: Are you all right? [Ted’s hand moves up to his throat and he appears to be in pain] Nicole: Teddy. [Ted gasps for air and then falls to the floor. The congregation stands, crying out as Ted falls. Nicole kneels on the floor beside him and takes his hand] Teddy! Teddy! [OPENING CREDITS] [Scene opens on Wilson waking up in the morning. He turns to snuggle up to Sam sleeping beside him, and kisses her cheek. Sam: Hey. Wilson: Hey. Sam: What time is it? Wilson: (kissing her shoulder) Happy time. Sam: (kissing him) I’m still asleep. Wilson: Just think of this as a dream. [They kiss again] Sam: What about House? Wilson: I said a dream, not a nightmare. Sam: He's in the next room. Wilson: Sound asleep. (Their kissing grows more passionate) [Cut to House sprawled fully clothed and face down on a bed with rocket ship sheets. He snores, waking himself up. A close-up of the headboard shows stuffed animals and action figures. House rolls over and sees a small boy standing by the bedroom doorway] [House looks around the room. The boy’s mother can be heard in the background] Esteban’s Mother: (from another room) Esteban, start getting ready. [Esteban and House look at each other] [Cut back to Sam and Wilson. They are startled by loud banging on the front door. Wilson gets out of bed] [Cut to Wilson flinging open the front door. House is standing outside the door flanked by two police officers] House: I met the neighbors. Police Officer: Sir, do you know this man? Wilson: (giving House a dirty look) Hmm. [Cut to the main lobby of PPTH. Cuddy is on the phone at the main desk and House can be seen entering the hospital. He is wearing sunglasses] Cuddy: (talking on the phone) I don't need a temporary. I need a permanent. Yesterday. Please do. [She hangs up the phone as House approaches the desk] House: Good morning. Cuddy: Hardly. One of my P.A.s quit an hour ago, and I have to reshuffle next month's schedule. [Cuddy looks harried, and is holding a handful of pink message slips. She leans over looking for the schedule book. A male nurse (Jeffrey) standing at the desk has it tucked under his arm and he hands it to her] House: (checking his own message slips) That's nothing. I woke up in the wrong bed this morning. Nurse Jeffrey: Any bed you're in is the wrong one. House: (looking at Jeffrey over the top of his sunglasses) That’s not what your mama said. (snapping his fingers in the air) Oh! Snap. Nurse Jeffrey: I'll be going now. (He closes a file and leaves) To Human Resources. House: He started it. It was the neighbor's kid's bed. Luckily, Esteban still likes sleeping with mommy. Cuddy: How drunk were you? House: About yea drunk. Cuddy: Are you okay? You shouldn't be drinking at all, much less— House: You sound just like Esteban's mom. Cuddy: I need you in the clinic. House: Sorry, I'm busy. [Chase approaches the desk] House: (to Chase) Tell me you have a case. You know, even if you don't. Chase: I have a case. House: Sounds interesting. I'll take it. (They walk away from Cuddy) I owe you one. Now tell me you don't have a case. Chase: I really do have a case. House: We're even. [Cut to House and Chase approaching Ted’s bed in the ER. Nicole is by his bedside. Taub is there also] House: You guys know how to honeymoon. (He tosses his cane and then his backpack to Chase) Taub: This is Dr. House. (to House) Aphasia and syncope. Nicole: He can't speak. House: "Aphasia" is Greek for loss of voice. [House examines Ted’s eyes with a lighted scope] Chase: We've ruled out infection, vocal cord damage, and stroke. House: (looking at Nicole) A lot of guys syncope at the altar. It's Greek for "having the vapors." Taub: We ruled out all the common causes of fainting: Low blood pressure, hypoglycemia, dehydration. [House reaches for and unwraps a tongue depressor, which he uses to look inside Ted’s mouth] House: Don't say "ah." Nicole: Do you know what it is? House: (tossing the tongue depressor in the trash) Roll on your side and lift up your gown. [Ted does as he is told while House gets a syringe out of a drawer] House: There's one thing they didn't test for. Nicole: A test for what? House: Faking. [He uses the syringe to sab Ted in the side] Ted: Ow! House: Test was positive. Ted: (rolling back over) I— I can— I can talk. I— I wasn't faking. My voice just came back right now. House: Hey, I'm not the one you have to convince. Nicole: I know he wasn't faking. House: Well, if she's buying that, she might just be a keeper. Taub: What about the syncope? House: Well, the— (House pretends to faint and collapses onto Ted’s bed) House: Is she buying this too? Nicole: Why would he fake anything? House: (getting up off the bed) Kryo podia. It's Greek for "duh." (taking his cane and backpack from Chase) Still, you get to keep the engagement ring. [House leaves. Taub hurries after him] Taub: I don't think he was faking. House: That's because you're more gullible than I am. (they stop at the elevator) For instance, I don't believe that you called off your open marriage. I believe your wife called it off, and you called off telling her that you weren't calling it off. A guy doesn't just throw a golden ticket in the trash. [The elevator arrives and they both get in] Taub: The same way a guy doesn't give up a lucrative medical practice to come work for you? House: That's exactly why you dabble. You're compensating for your professional conquests with sexual ones. Taub: I'm not that predictable. For example, you're probably not expecting me to ask you out for dinner tonight. House: No, thanks. Taub: You won't even consider it? House: I did, just very quickly. Taub: The truth is, since I called this thing off, my wife has been very grateful and I could do with a down night. If I go out with the boss, nobody can blame me. House: Okay. If you bring your wife. Taub: No. That's the point. I need a little— House: You're lying. Taub: I'm not lying. House: Then I'm not going. [The elevator doors open. House walks out, leaving Taub standing in the elevator] Taub: Okay. Fontina at 8:30. [House looks back at Taub as the elevator doors close again] [Cut to Ted and Nicole standing outside the PPTH ER] Ted: You believe me, right? Nicole: Of course I believe you. Ted: Then let's do it. We'll tell a cab to take us to AC right now and get it done. Nicole: You're serious? You just walked out of the emergency room. Ted: Exactly. I walked out. I feel great. Nicole: Well, we do have the clothes for it. [Ted laughs and then starts coughing] Nicole: Ted, what's wrong? Are you— what's wrong? Oh, my God. Can somebody help us? (Ted collapses to his knees and a nurse runs toward them) Please! Please hurry. Just breathe. Oh, my God. [Cut to House entering a radiology viewing room. The entire team is present] House: There's gotta be a better way to call off a wedding. A Tweet, for example. [House and Foreman look at a scan of Ted’s lungs] Foreman: Pleural effusion. Taub: You think his lung is faking it? Foreman: There's at least 200 ccs of fluid in there. House: (turning around to look at the team) Okay, let's say all his symptoms are real. Explain how one of them suddenly went away without using the words "virgin" or "Mary." Foreman: If the pleural effusion's caused by something systemic, it could explain his other two symptoms. And so whether you believe him or not, all we have to figure out is what caused the PE. Chase: ER ruled out infection. Eosinophil count ruled out parasites. House: A medication he's not telling us about. Taub: You really don't trust this guy, do you? House: I don't even trust the ER. Let's rule out infections ourselves. Tap his lungs, send cultures, run cytology for cancer, and check his blood pressure. Chase: We already— House: This time, talk about nuptials while you do it. Check his home for everything else. Thirteen: He just moved in with his fiancee three months ago. Toxic exposure could take longer than that to manifest. House: (to Foreman) You check his love nest. (to Taub and Thirteen) You two check his swinging bachelor pad. Taub: That somebody else now lives in? House: I assume so. [Cut to Taub and Thirteen outside the door of Ted’s old house] Taub: Not the glass. No. [Thirteen breaks out a glass pane and reaches inside to unlock the door. Taub sighs] Taub: The place looks like...1960s? Could have lead paint. Thirteen: (looking in the cabinet under the kitchen sink) You think a 27-year-old has pica? Taub: If it gets us out of here before the owner comes back, yes. Thirteen: What'd you tell that cute physio? Taub: (sniffing a used coffee cup) That I changed my mind. Thirteen: No, you didn't. You're more nervous than usual. Taub: Because this B and E has actual B. Thirteen: (looking up) That's a suspended ceiling. [She pulls out a kitchen chair and climbs up on it] Taub: What are you doing? Thirteen: I want to see what's above it. Taub: More ceiling. [She pushes up on a ceiling panel to reveal the original ceiling above] Thirteen: Made of 40-year-old acoustic tile. Taub: Asbestosis. I like it. I'll be in the car. Cotter: (finding strangers in his house) What the hell? Taub: Uh, it's okay. We're doctors. Nobody was home, so— Cotter: (standing in the kitchen doorway) Well, I'm calling the police. Thirteen: (getting down off the chair) Do you know Ted Taylor? He used to live here. Cotter: Yeah. What about him? Thirteen: He's our patient at Princeton Plainsboro. Cotter: Is he okay? Thirteen: We think he may have asbestosis from your ceiling tiles. Cotter: They're not asbestos. I had 'em checked when I moved in. How sick is he? Taub: Is he a friend of yours? Cotter: He was. Actually, he was my boyfriend for three years. [Cut to Ted’s room at PPTH] Ted: I'm not gay. House: Really? 'Cause it would certainly explain the cold feet. Oh, and the boyfriend. Taub: So you're bisexual? Ted: No, I'm straight. Cotter, the guy you met, he's gay. He had a crush on me. I left. Thirteen: After three years? House: Well, it's possible. It doesn't mean you're gay just 'cause the guy you're sleeping with is. Ted: We weren't sleeping together. What's this got to do with anything? Taub: Lung tap turned up mononucleosis. ER doesn't routinely test for it. It explains the PE and can be virtually asymptomatic. House: So we got to wondering, how does a 27-year-old get mono? You're a little old for the kissing disease, unless your immune system is compromised. Thirteen: If there's been any unprotected sex, we'll need to test for HIV. Ted: There's been no sex of any kind. House: Okay. I'll go test your fiancee for HIV. Is she the curious sort? Ted: Wait. There may have been some (pause) contact, but I'm not gay. House: Sodomy, one of the top ten most common household accidents. Ted: I did a lot of stupid things, but I turned my life around. I'm as straight as any of you. (Thirteen starts to say something, then thinks better of it.) Ted: You don't have to believe me. I'm just saying you can test me... As long as you don't tell Nicole. Thirteen: What business is it of hers? (House and Thirteen leave) [Cut to Chase, Thirteen, and Taub in the lab] Chase: I don't see anything wrong with him marrying a straight woman. Thirteen: How about, it'll make them both miserable? Chase: Just like most straight marriages. He's got the right to life, liberty, and unhappiness, like the rest of us. (He looks at Taub) Taub: Absolutely no reason to look at me. Chase: I'm not saying it's a great choice. Just saying it's his choice. Thirteen: It has to be hers as well, which it can't be as long as she doesn't know he's gay. Chase: Which is how it's gonna stay since we have no right to tell her. Thirteen: Like you've never bent the rules. Chase: You date guys. You date girls. I assume at some point, you're gonna make a choice. Thirteen: I don't lie about who I am. Chase: Patients lying never bothered you before. Taub: Patients weren't lying about their sexual orientation before. Chase: So you're only judgmental when it gets personal. Thirteen: Does it bother me that people hurt others because they're too weak to face the truth? Yeah. Sorry about that. (She looks over at Taub also) Taub: Tell me she's not looking at me. [Taub pushes a button on a machine and the test results are printed out. He pulls it off the printer and holds it up for Chase and Thirteen to see] Chase: He's negative? Taub: Yep. Looks like being gay didn't make him sick. Thirteen: So maybe being straight did. [Cut to Thirteen talking to Ted in his room] Thirteen: The test was negative. No HIV. Ted: I told you. Thirteen: What you didn't tell us is how you turned your life around. It can be pretty hard. Ted: It was. Thirteen: Downright impossible on your own. Ted: I talked to some people. Thirteen: It was more than just talk, wasn't it? I know this is personal stuff. I'm here to help you, not out you. Ted: I had therapy. [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. The team is gathered around the table. Thirteen is telling House and the team about her conversation with Ted] Thirteen: Conversion therapy. Went to a camp for three weeks of intensive rehabilitation. They injected him with emetics while he watched gay prn. Chase: Apomorphine? Thirteen: Or lithium chloride or cyclophosphamide. He doesn't know. And when that didn't work, they sht him up with male hormones. Foreman: A chemical asault like that could explain the PE. Thirteen: And the ECT explains the rest. Taub: They gave him electroconvulsive therapy to make him straight? House: To zap the fabulous right out of him. Thirteen: Neural damage accounts for the aphasia. Foreman: ECT doesn't cause neural damage. House: Unless it was done at Dr. Liberace's he-man quackery camp. Run an EEG. See if they straightened him or just scrambled him. [Cut to House sitting alone at a table in a restaurant. Taub rushes in the door] Taub: (sitting down across from House) Sorry. I completely forgot. My wife just started a ceramics class Tuesdays at 8:00. It's a half-hour drive from here. She won't be back till 10:30. (He looks up at House, who doesn’t believe him) She's taking it with her girlfriend Marly. She hopes to make a tea service. You want to call her? House: No need. I already texted her. And here she is now. [Taub turns around and sees his wife just coming in the door. He smiles nervously and waves to her] House: (leaning in close) I think you're still seeing the physio. (Taub turns back to House) You've got a backup suit in your car. Don't want to be bringing home da tnk. Taub: (talking quietly and quickly) Okay, yes, you're right, about everything. But please, House. Don't tell her. [Rachel comes to the table. Taub gets up and House smiles gleefully] House: Hi, Rachel. Rachel: Hi, Dr. House. I didn't know you'd be here. (Rachel and Taub kiss, and House stands up) Hi, honey. Got your text, obviously. House: (looking very pleased with himself) I'm just leaving. I've got a ceramics class. Rachel: (looking surprised) Really? House: I love it. Even managed to talk Chris into signing up for one. Of course, he's in the beginners' class. Rachel: (looking at Taub) You're in a ceramics class? House: Friday nights, right? Taub: Friday nights. Sounded like fun. House: You should join Chris'. [House pulls out the chair for Rachel and she sits down] Rachel: You know, I should. House: Well, gotta go. Making a tea service. (He pats Taub on the shoulder as he leaves) [Cut to Nicole fixing her hair outside Ted’s room. Chase and Foreman are in the room performing the EEG. Nicole sees Thirteen standing at the nurses station and approaches her] Nicole: Hi, I must have fallen asleep in the lounge. What are they doing? Thirteen: An EEG. Nicole: What's it for? Thirteen: We're looking for neurological damage that could have caused his symptoms. Nicole: Damage from what? Thirteen: A head trauma. Nicole: He had an accident? Thirteen: It wasn't an accident. It was before he met you. Nicole: Well, what happened? Was he hospitalized? Thirteen: You should ask him about it. (She is watching Foreman and Chase in Ted’s room) They have the results. [Thirteen and Nicole go into Ted’s room] Foreman: (looking at the test results) Everything looks normal. Chase: (watching a brain wave printout) Look at this. Foreman: Beta waves are spiking. Nicole: What's that mean? Foreman: I'm not sure. [A machine starts beeping. Ted’s eyes roll back in his head] Chase: He's coding. Crash cart. Nicole: What's happening to him? Foreman: He's having a heart attck. [Foreman puts the bed down flat. Chase grabs the defibrillator and Thirteen squirts them with conductive jelly] Charging. Clear. (Chase shocks Ted with the defibrillators) [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. Taub is at the sink getting coffee. House is leaning against the bookcase and Chase, Thirteen, and Foreman are sitting at the table] Foreman: EKG showed no abnormalities. Chase: So what caused the arrest? House: Four ways to stop a heart. (He walks toward Taub) Electrical problems, restricted blood flow, blood where it shouldn't be, shocks, blocks, or bleeds. Chase: I think that's three things. House: (looking at Taub) And cheating. (he guffaws) Oh, no. Sorry. That's how you break a heart. Taub: (to House) I found a ceramics class in Trenton on Friday nights that was full so my wife couldn't join me. (turning to address the team) EP study ruled out shocks. House: Now you just have to find some pottery by Taub. The lamer it looks, the better. Foreman: So we'll do an angio to see if it's blocks or bleeds. House: You should be a doctor. [Foreman and Chase get up to go, Taub shakes his head and also leaves. Thirteen gets up and goes over to House] Thirteen: I'm gonna check out this new lesbian bar tonight. House: Your life is awesome. Thirteen: You want to come? [Cut to House walking into Wilson’s office without knocking. Wilson is on the phone. He holds up a finger to indicate that he is busy, but House disconnects the phone] Wilson: (hanging up the phone) I was telling a 33-year-old woman that she has breast cancer. House: No, you weren't. Wilson: How do you know? House: Because if you were, you'd need to see the pain in her eyes so she could see the concern in yours. Why are you setting me up on dates with my team? (Wilson shakes his head) Taub asking me out was quirky, but Thirteen doing it is a barking cat. Wilson: I'm doing it to help you. House: By setting me up with a hottie that I can't sleep with? And Thirteen? Wilson: I've been spending more time with Sam. I know it's been hard on you. I figured if you had some company— House: I don't need your help. Wilson: Then consider it helping our neighbor's four-year-old. House: I gave him a dollar. How much did you have to pay? Wilson: Nothing. I just told them you might be feeling down and it was in their self-interest to keep you company. (House doesn’t believe him) 100 bucks, Foreman held out for 2. (House looks offended) House, I'm worried about you. You could have ended up in jail or worse. House: Racking you with guilt. So I do something really stupid and you reward me. Read any parenting manual. That's not helping me. That's helping you. Wilson: Fine, I did it for me, for my relationship, out of pure self-interest. House: Okay. Wilson: You'll do it? House: For you. Wilson: Thank you. House: It's not gonna work, though. Wilson: Maybe. But how bad can a night out at a lesbian bar be? [Cut to Nicole sitting by Ted’s bed as he wakes up] Nicole: Hey. How are you doing? Ted: Heart attck at 27. Nicole: Um, they said you had a head trauma? Ted: I fell off a stepladder and- -and ht my head. It was a stupid accident. Nicole: An accident. [Taub and Thirteen enter the room] Thirteen: We need to prep you for your angio. Taub: Valium will help you relax. Thirteen: We're gonna run a line through your femoral artery. [Ted starts to sit up in bed, but falls back down, unconscious] Taub: Ted? Nicole: He's having another heart attck? Thirteen: (She puts her fingers on his neck) I don't think so. His heart rate seems normal. [Ted wakes up and looks up at them] Taub: Are you okay? You weren't discussing wedding plans, were you? Ted: No. I guess I just... [Ted loses consciousness and falls back on the bed] Taub: Fainted. [Cut to House, Taub, and Thirteen walking down a hospital corridor] House: P.O.T.S. - Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. BP plummets when he's upright, reverts to normal when he's lying down. Taub: He was lying down both times we took his blood pressure. Thirteen: Protracted hypotension could have induced his heart attck. Also explains the syncope. Taub: And his aphasia. He was upright, then you laid him down on the bed to test him. BP reverted to normal, voice came back, jabbing him with the needle had nothing to do with it. Thirteen: P.O.T.S. can be brought on by a viral or bacterial infection such as mono. House: So load him up with fludrocortisone. [Thirteen turns back to give Ted the fludroccotisone. House and Taub continue walking] House: (to Taub) You didn't read your ceramics course description, did you? Taub: Yeah. You did? House: As I'm sure your wife did. So we all know they're doing a fourth of July theme. She'll be expecting something star-spangled. [House enters his office, leaving Taub standing in the doorway] [Cut to Nicole sitting in Ted’s room. Ted appears to be asleep. Cotter enters the room] Cotter: Nicole? Nicole: Yes? Cotter: Cotter Macklin. I'm an old friend of Ted's. Nicole: Hi. Cotter: How's he doing? Nicole: Um, he had a heart attck. Cotter: (He sounds upset) Oh, my God. Nicole: They have him on some new meds. Really knocked him out. Cotter: Well, how are you holding up? Nicole: I'm okay. Thanks. Cotter: (holding up a tin of peppermint bark) Um, I brought this for him. Nicole: That's his favorite thing in the whole world. Cotter: I know. [Cotter puts the tin down on the bedside table and sits on a stool beside the bed] Nicole: You weren't at the wedding, were you? Cotter: No, I-I wasn't invited. (visibly upset) Ted and I had a-a falling out. Nicole: How did you know each other? Cotter: Um, we met senior year of college. Yeah, we— we shared a house for a while. Nicole: You were roommates? Cotter: (his voice breaks) For three years. [Cotter sniffs back tears and puts his hand on Ted’s hand. He looks at Ted for a minute, then looks up at Nicole and takes his hand off of Ted’s] Cotter: (sniffling) I'm— I'm sorry. I— I just miss him. Nicole: I think you should leave. Cotter: I shouldn't have done that. Nicole: (interrupting him) Now. Please? [Looking like he is going to cry, Cotter reluctantly rises from the stool] Cotter: I hope he gets better. (He leaves the room) [Cut to later the same day. Ted is just waking up. Thirteen and Taub are at his bedside. Taub is holding Ted’s chart] Thirteen: Hey, how are you feeling? Ted: Hmm. Don't know yet Taub: Your numbers look good. We're gonna keep you on these meds. [Taub and Thirteen exit, leaving Ted and Nicole alone. She comes to his bed and holds his hand] Nicole: You had a visitor while you were asleep. Ted: Oh yeah? Who? Nicole: Cotter. Who is he? Ted: I shared a house with him after college. I don't know why he would show up. Nicole: That's it? Ted: Yeah. Why? What did he say? [Nicole sits in the bedside chair and leans toward him] Nicole: I need to hear it from you, Ted. Ted: (nodding and pausing) One night, I got, really drunk and, I went to bed. And he came into my room. One thing led to another. The whole thing was a mistake. Nicole: Are you saying you had sex with him? Ted: I was drunk and confused. Nicole: You're gay? Ted: No! I thought, I was. I even, made up my mind to tell my family. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, psyching myself up. All I could see was disgust. And that's when I realized, I didn't hate the thought of admitting I was gay because I was ashamed. I hated the thought because I wasn't gay. And that was the day I went to get help. Nicole: So you're not gay? Ted: They cured me, Nicole. That's what all the head trauma is about. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but it's— it's all in the past now. It doesn't matter anymore. [Ted closes his eyes and grimaces in pain] Nicole: What is it? Ted: Oh, oh my head! (Nicole gets up to go get help) [Cut to Taub entering House’s office. House is playing poker on his computer] Taub: He's got severe headaches. House: So do I. Should I call or raise with a double gutshot draw? [He makes a move on the computer, then looks at it] House: No. What about infection? Taub: That's what we're thinking. Cerebral infection would explain the headaches, could have caused P.O.T.S. If it's fungal, it could have spread to the heart. House: I was talking about you. Has the little gent been wearing a tent? Taub: Remind me why that has anything to do with you. House: A distracted person makes a distracted professional. Taub: And destroying my marriage will help me focus. House: Probably. Do a spinal tap. Run the CSF. (Taub starts to leave) Still talking about you. (Taub stops and turns back to House) But you can do it on the patient, too, if you want. (Taub leaves) [Cut to a neon bar sign. The bar is called “Foxhole.” The camera pans inside to reveal House and Thirteen sitting at the bar. Thirteen has a drink (a martini?) in her hand. There is a bottle of beer in front of House] House: (nodding) What about her? Thirteen: The bartender? House: She's the only one who's not here for fun. Thirteen: Trust me, she's not straight. House: If your gaydar is so great, how come you didn't know about the patient till you met his boyfriend? Thirteen: The guy walked in with his bride. It took me a while to rotate my dish. It's unbelievable what he's doing to her. House: You don't think he loves her? Thirteen: He may love her, but he needs to have sex with other men. House: Taub loves his wife, but he needs to have sex with other women. Thirteen: Yeah, it sucks what he's doing to her too, but it's hardly the same. To be faithful to his wife, our patient has to deny his identity. Taub just needs to— House: (finishing her sentence) to resist a biological imperative. Thirteen: It is easier to say no to dessert than to pretend you don't eat. House: Says someone who's obviously never been on a diet. Thirteen: Oh, yeah. My life's a breeze. House: You're successful, smart, and you attract everything that moves. If you want to focus on the fact that you're not gonna see 50, that's your choice. Thirteen: You know what? I agree with you. My self-pity's optional. What about yours? [House stares at her, and then is interrupted by his cell phone ringing] House: (answering the phone) Yeah? Taub: CSF was negative for infection, and his headaches are worse. House: We were just talking about you. Taub: Please don't. Chase: It's not P.O.T.S., we're back to square one. [As Thirteen tips her glass to take a sip, her hand shakes. She does not seem to notice, but House does. Thirteen reaches into her empty glass, takes out the olives and starts to eat them] House: (into the phone) Not quite. You did a spinal tap, but the headaches got worse. Chase: We're maxing him out on morphine. House: He sprung a leak. He's losing CSF from the tap site. Taub: We made his headaches worse? House: Just you, actually. Chase: That still wouldn't explain why he got the headaches in the first place. House: The low pressure in his brain caused the P.O.T.S., not the other way around. Patch the leak and top him up with artificial CSF. (He closes his phone) [Thirteen is eating her last olive when the waitress serves her another drink, which she did not order. The waitress says something to her. House turns around to see a pretty young woman waving. He does not see Thirteen wave back to the woman in thanks for the drink. When he turns back to Thirteen, she pretends that nothing happened] [Back at PPTH, Chase is “patching the leak” from the spinal tap site on Ted’s back] Chase: There. That should stop the leak. Taub: You should be feeling some relief soon. Nicole: I spoke to my parents. Ted: How are they doing? Nicole: They're still worried. Ted: Well, tell them not to be. Everything's gonna be okay. [Ted’s mouth suddenly starts to droop to the left] Nicole: Ted? Ted: What's happening? Taub: He's stroking. Chase: (examining his eyes with a light scope) Both eyes are responsive. Taub: (to Ted) Tell me your full name. Ted: (looking scared) Theodore Philip Taylor. Chase: This isn't a stroke. Taub: Then what is it? Ted: What's happening to me? [Cut to House sitting alone in the hospital cafeteria. Chase and Taub enter the cafeteria and approach House] Chase: It's really not P.O.T.S. We're really back to square one. House: So what's masquerading as a stroke? Voted the worst Halloween costume, by the way. Chase: MRA showed no problems with blood flow to the brain, rules out T.I.A. Taub: Sarcoidosis? [Taub and Chase sit down at the table] House: Chest x-rays showed no hilar masses. (to Taub) Any luck with the pottery? Taub: Wasn't easy. Bought a suitably cruddy set of fife and drum napkin rings online. (diagnosing again) Scleroderma? House: Skin's fine. A.N.A. was negative. So what did that set you back? Taub: Too much. I got into a bidding wr with some lunatic. Histoplasmosis. House: EIA was clear. Hey, could have gone a lot higher than $215. Taub: You're kissmyasthma99? Chase: What about MELAS? Mitochondrial encephalomyopathy, lactic acidosis, and stroke-like episodes. House: NILLAS. No. Idiot. Lactate. Levels. Are. sab. We're missing something. Taub: We've run every test that makes sense, asked every question we can think of, gone over his history a dozen times. Chase: We know how much we can trust his history. House: If history is written by the victor, how do we find out what really happened? Chase: Talk to the loser. House: Call the boyfriend. Let's get them all in the same room. Taub: Or we could question them separately and not trture them. House: Or we could get them all in the same room and get the truth. [Taub leaves. Chase starts to follow, but then turns back to House] Chase: (sounding like he knows House is expecting the invitation) Oh. Drinks are on me and Foreman tonight. House: Can't. Pap smear. Chase: We don't want to do it either, but Wilson already paid us. House: It's gonna suck. Chase: I know. House: Where and when? [Cut to Thirteen and Taub talking to Ted, Nicole, and Cotter in Ted’s room] Thirteen: Any incidents of dizziness? (They shake their heads) Seizures? (They shake their heads again) Blackouts? Nicole: Other than our wedding day. Ted: Don't you think I would have told you if there were? Cotter: (remembering) My sister's birthday. Ted: I was drunk. Cotter: You had one Martini. Ted: On an empty stomach. Cotter: Look, he was just sitting on the couch, and then he— he— he fell over and that was it. Ted: Well, once I slept it off, I was fine. Cotter: Well, I stayed up that night checking on him every 15 minutes. Taub: What about sex? Ted: Yes, I have sex with my girlfriend, because I'm not gay. Nicole: We have sex. Ted: Thank you. Thirteen: No problems? [Ted shakes his head no] Nicole: Um, well, there have been some... Ted: (clearly embarrassed) Nic. Nicole: Issues. Taub: Erectile dysfunction? Ted: Every guy has it sometimes. Cotter: We never had that problem. Ted: Gee, that must be because Ted doesn't like girls. Taub: Or because it's vascular. I know we did an MRA, but arterial disease causing acute ischemia could explain the heart, neuro symptoms, and maybe even P.O.T.S. Thirteen: Might I suggest a diagnostic test? [Cut to Thirteen closing the blinds inside Ted’s room. Taub is getting Ted ready for the test] Taub: The penile plethysmograph measures changes in blood flow in your penis. Tells us if there's a circulatory problem. You just need to be in the right... state. Thirteen: (holding up two prn magazines, one gay, and one straight) What's your pleasure? Ted: I feel terrible. I-I don't think anything's gonna work. Thirteen: Then we'll have to give you a sht. Taub: Where you don't want to get one. Ted: sht it is. [Cut to Chase singing karaoke at a bar. The camera pulls back to reveal House and Foreman singing backup and performing their own brand of choreography. They are singing Midnight Train to Georgia] [Note: To make it easier to process (as House would say) Chase’s lead parts are up against the left margin. House and Foreman’s backup lines are indented. Here is a link to a video version] ♪ He kept dreamin' ♪ ♪ dreamin' ♪ ♪ Ooh, that someday he'd be the star ♪ ♪ superstar, but he didn't get far ♪ ♪ but he sure found out the hard way that dreams don't always come true ♪ ♪ dreams don't always come true oh, no ♪ ♪ uh-uh, no ♪ ♪ uh-uh, no ♪ ♪ oh, he's leavin' ♪ ♪ leavin' ♪ ♪ on that midnight train to Georgia ♪ ♪ leavin' on a midnight train ♪ ♪ yeah, said he's going back to find ♪ ♪ going back to find ♪ ♪ ooh, a simpler place and time ♪ ♪ when he takes that ride ♪ ♪ oh, yes he is ♪ ♪ guess who's gonna be right by his side ♪ ♪ I'm gonna be with him ♪ ♪ I know you will ♪ ♪ on that midnight train to Georgia ♪ ♪ leavin' on a midnight train to Georgia, whoo-whoo ♪ ♪ I'd rather live in his world ♪ ♪ live in his world ♪ ♪ than live without him in mine ♪ ♪ world, world ♪ ♪ his world ♪ ♪ is his world ♪ ♪ my world, mine and his alone ♪ ♪ his and hers alone ♪ ♪ I've got to go ♪ ♪ world ♪ ♪ I’ve got to go ♪ ♪ is his ♪ ♪ I've got to go. I've got to gooo ♪ ♪ his and hers alooone ♪ [House, Chase, and Foreman have finished their performance and are now having a drink at the bar] Foreman: Nobody wants to follow that. House: The night just keeps getting better. [House raises glass in a toast] House: To Wilson. [The three of them toast Wilson] All: Wilson. [Cut to Taub and Thirteen viewing the results of the penile plethysmograph with Ted in his hospital room] Taub: Everything looks fine. Ted: You sure? Thirteen: Medically, that's good news. (she pauses) Are you feeling feverish? You're sweating. [Taub pulls open the top of Ted’s gown] Ted: No. I feel lousy, but I don't know why I'm sweating. [Thirteen pulls Ted’s gown open further and she and Taub look at one another] Ted: What is it? Thirteen: You're not sweating. [A sht of Ted’s chest reveals white fluid around Ted’s nipples] Taub: You're lactating. [Cut to the diagnostics conference room where House and the team are discussing Ted’s latest symptom] House: If he can't tell his fiancee he's gay, how is he gonna tell her he's pregnant? [Chase is examining a small plastic container of Ted’s breast milk] Chase: (handing the container to Foreman) His therapists loaded him with hormones. Foreman: (looking at the container) Male hormones don't make you lactate. [Foreman hands the container to House, who unscrews the lid] Chase: Except they could screw up your thyroid. Foreman: That was over three months ago. We just started milking him last night. [House pours the breast milk into his coffee cup.] Chase: So something else screwed up his thyroid. Graves, Hashimoto's. [The team is watching House with looks of complete astonishment on their faces. He doesn’t seem to notice] House: Nope. TSH was normal. [House screws the lid back on the empty container and looks up at them, but he is only waiting for medical opinions and seems completely oblivious to their reactions to putting the breast milk in his coffee] Taub: Pituitary tumor. Could also explain his libido and heart issues. [House starts to take a sip of coffee, then pauses, looking at Taub. He again puts the cup to his lips, when Thirteen distracts him] Thirteen: And if the tumor's big enough, his headaches and syncope. [House pauses, considering Thirteen’s comment before again raising the cup to his lips. This time, Chase abruptly speaks up. The team clearly does not want House drink the coffee] Chase: Except we— we cleared him for cancer. [Taub speaks up, again distracting House from the coffee] Taub: Didn't say "cancer." Prolactinomas can be benign. [The team watches with looks of incredulity on their faces as House actually begins to take a sip this time. But once again, he pauses] House: Check his prolactin level, then MRI his pituitary. [The team hesitates, staring at House, and waiting to see if he will actually drink from the cup, but he gestures them to leave and they do. House grimaces and puts the cup down] [Cut to Wilson entering House’s office. House looks up from behind his desk] Wilson: Sounds like you had fun last night. [Wilson sits in the Eames chair and props his feet on the ottoman] House: You believe Chase? Wilson: I believe Foreman. And they had fun with you. What happened? House: I realized that they could be my friends. [Wilson puts his feet on the floor and sits up] Wilson: You're serious. House: And then I sobered up. Wilson: You weren't that drunk. You managed to find your way into your own little bed last night. House: I think I sleep better in rocket ship sheets. Wilson: No, you want to blame this on the booze, but that's easy. Change is hard. House: And wisdom is knowing the difference between what you can change... (House pauses and reaches for his cane. This is the medical epiphany moment) And what you were born with. [House gets up quickly and heads for the door] Wilson: And cowardice is labeling what you don't want to change as innate. [House exits the office leaving Wilson sitting alone in the office] Wilson: (calling after him) I was winning this argument. [House runs into Taub as he approaches Ted’s room] Taub: Pituitary MRI— House: (finishing Taub’s sentence) was normal. [They enter Ted’s room. House is carrying a foam neck brace] House: How are the headaches? Ted: Terrible. House: Give me your head. Ted: What the hell? House: I know. It's the first time you've heard that sentence with a possessive pronoun. [House sits Ted up in bed and putting one hand under his chin, and the other behind his neck, gently pulls his head up] Ted: Oh, wow, that— that's better. [House lets go and Ted groans. He pulls Ted’s head up once more and then lets go again] Ted: Okay, enough. [House hands the neck brace to Taub, who puts it on Ted as House is explaining the diagnosis to Ted] House: How cool is that? You have a Chiari malformation, a narrowing in the base of your skull that can cut off CSF flow. But it wasn't a problem until the ECT at breeder boot camp caused your brain to swell just enough to plug the opening. And when your brain pressed up against your pituitary, it signed you up for La Leche League. You still won't be pitching a tent for your lady, but that's just because, you know, she's a lady. Taub: Its orthostatic effect was mimicking P.O.T.S. House: It also does an uncanny Christopher Walken. Unfortunately, if you treat it like P.O.T.S., it gets worse. So, as far as that goes, oops. Taub: Proper treatment is surgery. We'll get you in right away. Ted: So how did I get this thing? House: Overbearing mother. Kidding. CM's congenital. Like so many other things, you were born that way. [The scene cuts to a quick exterior sh*t of PPTH at night and then to Ted, who is sitting up in bed, recovering from the surgery. Cotter enters the room] Cotter: (holding up a tin of peppermint bark) I thought you might be running low, so... (He puts the tin on the bedside table) Ted: Thanks. (He pauses, looking at Cotter) I'm not coming back. Cotter: Ted, this is a mistake. Ted: I know you're hurting, and I'm sorry, but… Cotter: I'm talking about hurting her. Ted: I love her. Cotter: Ted. Ted: Thank you, for your support. We both really appreciate it. Cotter: Good luck. [As Cotter leaves Ted’s room, he passes by Nicole on her way to visit Ted. She pauses outside the door, looking in at Ted, who has not yet seen her] Ted: (looking up) Hey. (Nicole sits down beside the bed) You know what I've been thinking? It's your birthday in three weeks. What do you say we rebook the church and make it a doubleheader? Nicole: I don't know, Ted. Ted: Less than a week ago we were standing at the altar, perfectly happy. Nothing's changed. Nicole: Really? Ted: I still love you. Do you still love me? Nicole: Yes. But— Ted: Then that's all that matters. Nicole: But I think that you still love him. Ted: (emphatically) I'm not gay. Nicole, I promise you. Nicole: How can you promise me that? Ted: Because I believe that we get to choose how we live our lives, and I've made my choice. Nicole: (sadly) So now, I have to make mine. Ted: Nic. Nicole: (getting up) I'm sorry. Ted: Nic. No. No. [She leans down and kisses him] Ted: I'm not saying good-bye. Nicole: Yeah. Ted: (calling after her as she leaves) I want to marry you. I have to marry you. Nic! [Taub stands at the nurses’ station, watching as Nicole leaves Ted’s room] House: It's Friday night. [Taub turns to find House leaning against a support pillar. Taub is holding a small shipping box] Taub: I called it off. For real this time. House: Frees you up for the next one. Taub: One day at a time. (handing the box to House) Napkin rings. My way of saying thanks. House: (taking the box) For trying to wreck your marriage? Taub: For trying to save it. House: And I get napkin rings? Taub: Expensive ones. [House tosses the box onto the counter where nurse Jeffrey picks it up and throws it in the trash] [Cut to House sitting in his office, his legs propped up on the desk. Cuddy approaches and leans in the doorway] Cuddy: I hired a replacement. For my P.A. She seems great. House: Good work. Cuddy: You too. Your patient's going home tomorrow. House: He doesn't have a home. Cuddy: (She walks into the room) You want to grab a bite to eat? House: So Wilson got to you too? Cuddy: No. This is just me. House: Lucas? Cuddy: Working late. (she smiles uncomfortably) I'm buying. House: I'm not that hungry. Cuddy: Okay. [Cuddy turns to leave, then pauses in the doorway and faces House again] Cuddy: I just want us to be friends. House: (very seriously) Funny. That's the last thing I want us to be. [The camera cuts to close-up profiles of House and Cuddy as they look at each other at that moment. Cuddy looks forlorn as she turns to leave. House closes his eyes briefly, knowing that he has hurt her. Rubbing his right leg, he stares at the bottle of ibuprophen on his desk. Ignoring the pills, he sits up, takes a bottle of whiskey out of his desk drawer and pours an overgenerous amount into a cup on his desk. He swallows a large gulp of whiskey as we are treated to a close-up of those haunted blue eyes] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x20 - The Choice"}	foreverdreaming
Note 1: House is physically in Nolan’s office for the entire episode and describes other scenes to Nolan. Because of this, cuts between locations are not as clearly defined in the transcript as they usually are. If the same scene shifts from being what House is talking about and back to Nolan’s office, the cuts are more likely to be identified within the usual descriptions. Note 2: In an interview, David Foster said that as House envisions the other locations he sometimes includes an object from Nolan’s office. This happens once in each of the six acts. These have been identified in the transcript for acts 2, 4 and 6. If you find the objects from the other three acts, please leave a comment as to what and where it is. If I see it too, I’ll add it. [Open on two armchairs facing each other over a low, round coffee table, which has on it a carafe of water, two glasses on a tray, a round, brass clock and a clunky, ugly green glass thing. The chair on the left is dark gray with a high back. The one of the right is white and fairly modern. Behind the coffee table is a screened fireplace. There’s a clock in the middle of the mantle, framed pictures at either end and a few knickknacks in front of them. To the right, behind the white chair, are the fireplace tools and, further along, a table with several books stacked on it. There is a wrought iron table lamp with a white shade on the table. The walls are covered with framed photos.] [The room is fairly dark but none of the lights are on. To the left of the armchairs Dr. Nolan sits behind his desk. He faces a wall with semi-opaque glass and the door to his office — which is open. House appears in the doorway. He enters and closes the door behind him. He hangs his cane on the back of the gray chair and takes off his motorcycle jacket, which he throws on an unseen table further to the left. He picks up his cane and sits in the gray chair.] House: Okay. "Therafy" me. [Nolan stands, picks up a legal pad and sits in the white chair.] Nolan: You're late. House: You're fat. Nolan: It's unusual. House: You know how far the parking lot is? My leg's been hurting. Nolan: Anything been on your mind lately, any particular stress? House: No. Probably just gonna rain. [He grips his right thigh and looks off to his right, avoiding Nolan’s gaze.] Nolan: Mm-hmm. You like the new Monet reproduction in the waiting room — the Water Lilies? House: I was late. I wasn't focusing on the decor, but it sounds appropriately bland and calming. Nolan: Stress can also make you absentminded. House: I'm not stressed… Beyond the stress induced by you telling me how stressed I am. Nolan: Just an ordinary week. [House stares at him but doesn’t say anything.] Okay. [He settles back in his chair, smiling.] Tell me about it. [House leans his head against the back of the chair. There’s a flash of light and a “whoosh” sound. It’s the atmatic doors in the ER opening. House enters.] House: I had a patient. Cuddy: House. Good. I have a case for you. [She grabs his elbow and leads him to one of the patient bays.] House: [removing his sunglasses] Beer? Cuddy: Amnesia. She was found jogging in the street, disoriented. She almost got ht by a truck. [She pulls open the curtain around Ms. X’s bed.] The MRI showed no abnormalities. No I.D. on her. Just her jogging clothes and her heart rate monitor. We know absolutely nothing about her. House: We know she has money. [He picks up a sneaker.] Blaze Outriggers — 400 bucks a pair. People who have money don't just disappear. Sooner or later, someone's gonna show up looking for her. Ms. X: [looking confused] Can I have something to eat? Nurse: She just ate 15 minutes ago. She keeps forgetting. House: You don't eat because you remember it's time to eat. You eat 'cause you're hungry. [He pulls the blanket off her legs and feels her calves.] Her metabolism is in high gear. She is an extreme long-distance runner— Nolan: [voice over] Why were you in the ER? House: [still looking at the patient] That's your question? [back in Nolan’s office, Nolan nods] You're a psychotherapist. You're hearing about a great amnesia case, and all you're asking me is geography. Nolan: [quietly] Just curious. House: [defiant for a moment, then he drops his eyes] I was avoiding Wilson. It's not something you couldn't have seen eight miles away. [Cut to the kitchen of the condo. Wilson puts a glass on the counter as House opens a bottle of orange juice. House ignores the glass and drinks from the bottle.] House: [voice over] Wilson's a processor. I knew there were some things that he'd want to process with me… at length. Wilson: Sam's moving in. House: If it's before Friday, your assistant wins the pool. [He takes a bite of his muffin.] Wilson: I was just wondering what your plans were. House: Tonight? Wilson: In life. Sam likes you… House: But she wants me to move out. Wilson: No. I want you to move out. I didn't know things with Sam would happen so quickly. I d–I don't want to make a mistake here. I've made a lot of mistakes. House: By moving too quickly. Given your usual rate of commitment, I'm surprised you're not already re-divorced. Wilson: [looking guilty] I could help you find a place. House: What's wrong with my old place? Wilson: Nothing. I just thought… You might want to find somewhere new, somewhere… House: [nodding] Where I didn't abuse drugs and hallucinate. Wilson: Yes. House: I'm fine. Nolan: You're fine? [back in the office] Your best friend is tossing you out, and you're fine? House: Why wouldn't I be? [Opening Credits] [Cut to Nolan’s office. House is slouched about three inches lower in his chair than he was before.] Nolan: You're not feeling a little… betrayed and angry? Wilson bought a two-bedroom condo specifically so that you could move in with him. It wasn't that long ago. You don't feel a little… jerked around? House: He couldn't foresee Sam coming back into his life. Nolan: That's a very rational defense of your friend. And, uh, I'm not buying it. House: Based on what? Nolan: Based on the fact that you were late, and you didn't notice the pictures in the outer office. House: Those aren't symptoms. Nolan: They are to me. And here's another one. You took the case. Hmm? No negotiating, no bargaining. No clinic hours changed hands. Were you looking for something to distract you from the fact that your best friend just threw you out? House: Case was interesting. Nolan: It's not organic. It's not mysterious. Most likely some psychologically traumatic event occurred that made the patient's brain choose to forget everything. House: [slight smile] Or not. [Cut to radiology. Brain scans are on the light table and on the lighted wall panels.] House: Here. Loss of differentiation between gray and white matter. [He points to an area on the scan.] Taub: It's subtle. Chase: But it's in the area that controls memory. Not likely it's a coincidence. Thirteen: Bacterial infection? Nolan: [standing next to House] Do I need to know this? House: Fine. I'll give you the Cliff Notes version. Chase – MS, Taub – physical trauma. I can tell you why we ruled them out. Nolan: Or not. Chase: Then it's probably a toxin, and we need to find it before it kills her. We should search her House. Thirteen: Good luck with that. House: Her heart rate monitor has a serial number. The distributor can match the number to the store that sold it. She's a serious athlete. She might have been there often enough to be remembered. Foreman: Brilliant. Nolan: Did he really say that? House: Subtextually. Foreman: Long sht. House: Even if the store clerk doesn't know who she is, the store's probably close to where she lives. Just seeing those surroundings might spark a memory. Taub: You want us to take her there? House: No. I'll take her. Nolan: Really? [Back in Nolan’s office.] Uh, it's unusual for you to spend time with a patient, isn't it? House: Patients are boring… As people. This one I'm sure was no exception, but her situation was interesting. Besides, I was still avoiding Wilson. And no better way to avoid than leaving the hospital. Nolan: Maybe. Or were you avoiding going home? There's a reason they tell addicts to stay away from old geography. House: I wasn't avoiding going home. I'd already gone home… [Cut to House closing the door behind him as he enters the lobby of his building. House: [voice over] Before I came into work that day. I went straight there from Wilson's. [He puts the key in the lock and opens the door… several inches before it clunks against something solid.] Alvie: [from inside the apartment] Hey, take it easy! You're gonna kll me! God, why don't people knock? [His head appears, upside down, at the top of the door.] House, it's you! Where you been? Hold up a second. [He closes the door on House.] Nolan: [in the lobby] Alvie? Juan Alvarez — you let him stay at your place? House: Not exactly. [He opens the door again and it hits something solid again. He edges in. All the furniture is draped and the back of the door is a bright, greenish yellow. Alvie: I was beginning to wonder if you were ever gonna show up. Su casa, mi casa. Casa! [Alvie gestures with the paint roller in his hand. House looks around, slowly.] House: Why are you here? Alvie: When I left Mayfield, I went back to the old neighborhood. You know, you shouldn't leave the bathroom window unlocked. House: Yeah, thanks for the safety lesson. Why are you here? Alvie: Like I said, when I went back to the neighborhood, I found out immigration was looking for me. So I decided to visit my old buddy House! House: And turn his apartment into a giant prison jumpsuit. Alvie: Juan Alvarez is no freeloader. I do my part, earn my keep. The first week I made your dinner, but you never showed up. The second week I organized your stuff. House: My stuff? Alvie: But still, you never showed up. So this week, since I'm a real good painter, I decided to— House: Coffee table — where'd you put it? In the bedroom? Alvie: The paint's not cheap, House. It's a custom color. It's a mix of titanium, yellow, and ochre. Ochre — I don't even like that stuff. It's like a fruit. It's got hair on it. But they say it's a vegetable— House: You sold my table to pay for paint that I don't want? Alvie: [embarrassed] I had to sell some other things too. House: Get out. Alvie: No, papa, just give the color a chance. House: Look, I'm going to work now. And when I come back, the walls will be a less exciting color, and you will be gone. [He drops a duffle bag on the floor with a thud.] [Cut to Nolan’s office.] Nolan: So Wilson threw you out, and you threw Alvie out — just, uh, another week? House: Unlike me, Alvie didn't leave. I took my motorcycle to work that day. When I went home to get my car, he was painting the ceiling magenta. So I brought him with me to protect the apartment. Nolan: Why? House: To protect the apartment. Whoa. Deja vu. Nolan: Tossing him out or, uh, sending him to the movies or, uh, locking him in the bathroom would also minimize Alvie's destructive force. But you chose his company deliberately. Why? House: Obviously because he's a Wilson substitute. You can barely tell the difference between them, especially when Wilson raps about the hood. Nolan: I'm not suggesting Alvie's a substitute, but he would make a great distraction. House: From what? Nolan: That's what I'm trying to find out. Go on. [Cut to a strip mall. Alvie comes out of a store, talking. He’s followed by the patient and House.] Alvie: Maybe the heart rate monitor was a gift. That's why no one recognized her. House: Shut up, Alvie. Anything familiar… Church, grocery store? Ms. X: Sorry. [They walk down the street. The patient looks blankly around as House and Alvie talk.] Alvie: It's okay, Ms. X. Maybe she's never been to this town before, bought the heart rate monitor on the store's website. House: You know that Puerto Ricans are U.S. citizens, right? Instead of working the case, why don't you contemplate the inanity of an American with American immigration issues? Alvie: I had a birth certificate. I lost it. House: So get a new one. Alvie: I tried that, House. But the town hall had brned down when I was a kid, destroyed the records. House: There's only one copy? Alvie: They tried to make me fill out a whole bunch of forms before they'd give it to me. I decided it would be quicker and easier to do it myself. House: How'd that go? Alvie: They figured out it was forged. And now, for some reason, they don't believe anything I say. They actually think I'm lying about being Puerto Rican. Told me I had to go to a special hearing to prove it. Ms. X: What if nothing ever looks familiar? House: Then someone will show up — a spouse, a friend — to tell you who you really are and what you should be feeling. They always do. Ms. X: I don't know who that is… But I miss him. House: What did they say at the hearing? Alvie: I didn't go. I lied once. House: Your mother is Puerto Rican, therefore, you are Puerto Rican. All you got to do is prove your mom's your mom, find some documentation— Alvie: People like that don't listen to people like me. Doughnuts! [distracted and very excited] Hey, House, let's get doughnuts! House: Alvie, the hearing— Alvie: Everyone loves doughnuts — glazed, crullers, elephant ears, even doughnut holes. Much better than the sporting goods store. I bet Mrs. X went there all the time. House: We're not here— [voice over] And then I realized… [to Alvie] You make a good point. Alvie: Really? I was making that up. [Cut to the doughnut shop. Bells jingle as the door opens.] Durdanna: Dozen glazed, dozen jelly-filled? [She points to Ms. X] You want the usual, right? House: Your old friend, the fried carbohydrate. [to the cashier] She needed the calorically dense food to support the running habit. Do you know her name? Durdanna: Sandy… Or Shelley. I don't know. The guy she's with called her that once. I just work here. House: Do you know where they live? Durdanna: He left a business card in our free doughnut jar. It's up on the wall of winners. [Cut to a wood house. House rings the doorbell. A yuppie answers the door.] Jay: Sidney. [He comes out and hugs Ms. X Sidney.] God, I was so worried about you. What happened? [Sidney nervously looks at House. Jay looks at him too.] [Cut to the living room. Jay and House are seated. Sidney is looking at the running memorabilia on the walls.] Jay: The police said it was too soon to do anything, so I started calling hospitals on my own. Princeton Plainsboro wasn't even on my list. You really think something around here could have made her sick? House: Here, work, anywhere she could have been exposed. Why wasn't Princeton Plainsboro on your list? Jay: Well, I mean, it's a long way to run, even for her. Sidney: What is it I do besides run? Jay: You're a lawyer — civil rights, class action suits. It's a stressful job. Running's the way you deal with it. Sidney: That doesn't sound like me. House: Do you have any idea what would sound like you? Sidney: [smiling at him] Good point. Nolan: [voice over] So what were you thinking during all this? House: [voice over] That it was a strange position to be in. At that moment, she was more comfortable with me than with her husband. And he was picking up on it. Nolan: [back in the office] What about you? House: What about me how? Nolan: Well, there was a sort of, um, artificial intimacy between you? She had been dependent on you. Uh, did you find that attractive on some level? Disturbing? House: Those are my two choices? None of the above. She was just a patient. She was interesting. [Looking at a wedding picture.] Sidney: So we're really… married? Jay: For four years. [Alvie enters carrying a plastic tote filled with cleaning supplies.] Alvie: Ms. X, you lead a lemon fresh life. Found three different cleansers under the sink. Cleaned out the medicine cabinets too. Jay: You know, she just won a settlement for some families whose housing development was built on an old methane field. [Sidney picks up a picture of her in a bathing suit, carrying a surfboard.] House: Toxic exposure to methane could explain this. Sidney: [happy] I surf? Jay: You stopped before we met. You've been too busy. Sidney: [puzzled] And we're married? Jay: Yes. Alvie: All right, it's nothing personal. Bet she didn't think you were her type back when you first met either. [Cut to outside the house. Alvie and House are crossing the lawn. Sidney and Jay are coming down the stairs behind them.] House: We'll take her back to the hospital, test her blood and urine and start treatment. [Sidney falls down the last step or two.] Sidney: Oh! I'm all right. [Jay holds her arm. Alvie goes back and gets her other arm and they help her stand.] House: What happened? Sidney: I don't know. My foot suddenly went numb. Alvie: Her pants are wet. House: Urinary incontinence. [He checks Sidney’s eyes.] She's having complex partial seizures. This isn't methane. And you can leave the bucket. We need to get her to— Nolan: [voice over] Seizures? [back in the office] This is the second diagnosis you've come up with that has a personal resonance for you. House: I'm choosing my diagnoses based on personal issues? You think she fell down the stairs and peed her pants 'cause Wilson dumped her too? Nolan: You're choosing to tell me about this case, so let's look at it. First you were fixated on a harmful toxin from her past, possibly because you're worried about a harmful toxin from your own past. House: Chase had the toxin idea. Maybe he's obsessed with my past. Nolan: And–and now you're talking about a seizure disorder? House: Which is also not a toxin. Nolan: But which is most likely caused by an old injury to the brain. Wh–why do you see your past as such a thrat? House: Not only am I unthreatened by it, I was trying to get it back. [Cut to Dutch Hightower’s pawn shop. Dutch is behind the counter, drinking coffee and reading. A variety of items with red price tags, including the clock from the coffee table in Nolan’s office, lay on the counter. House is kneeling on the floor, inspecting his coffee table. Behind him, Alvie is looking through the bookshelves.] House: There's a ding mark. Dutch: It's a piece of junk. It was dinged when it came in. House: Sure, the–the cup marks and the scuffs and the paint and those three chips. This fourth one’s new. Dutch: I run a pawn shop, not a storage company. Do you want it or not? [Alvie comes over and puts some books on the table.] Alvie: That should be it. House: You said you pawned five books. There's only four. Alvie: That's all there is. House: Where's “Approach to the Acute Abdomen”? [House gets to his feet and comes over to the counter.] Dutch: Sold it. House: To? Dutch: I can't tell you. It's a law, and should be. Crazy bastards like you try to hunt down their stuff. House: How much for the pile? Dutch: $500. House: [stunned] You said it was junk. Dutch: No, no. It's your junk. You want it. $500. Take it or leave it. [Alvie, who is examining a gyroscope, winces slightly. House gives him a very annoyed look as he takes out his credit card and slaps it on the counter.] [Cut to Nolan’s office.] Nolan: Why is it so important that you get your stuff back? House: Unlike the rest of humanity… Who's okay when their belongings are taken. Everyone wants their stuff. That's why it's their stuff. Nolan: Everyone doesn't pay five times what it's worth. House: I like my stuff. I hate it when Wilson moves it— Nolan: Oh… House: This is not about Wilson! [He slams his fist on the table, causing the carafe and glasses to jump. Nolan tilts his head and looks at House. House sits for a minute then taps on the table, breaking his mood.] Say it. [Nolan chuckles. He picks up one of the glasses and the carafe and pours himself some water.] Nolan: I wasn't gonna say anything. [House looks as Nolan drinks his water.] [Cut to House’s apartment. Pieces of the wall are bright yellow. The rest are putty brown. A section of the ceiling still matches the window sashes, but the area over the piano is a deep red. House and Alvie are in the doorway to the kitchen. Alvie is crouched in front of House.] House: 31, 31! Hike! [They’re playing Nerf football. Alvie snaps the ball to House and runs into the living room. House passes the ball. Alvie jumps, catches it and lands on the couch.] Alvie: First down! House: One more, you get a touchdown. Alvie: Whoo! House: Hike! [Alvie snaps the ball and runs again. Just as House gets ready to release the ball there’s a knock on the door. Alvie lands on the couch with his hands empty.] Alvie: Huh! [House, holding the ball, goes to open the door.] House, you can't run for the touchdown. [House opens the door. Wilson is standing there. He points his finger in full lecture mode. The picture freezes for a second then House and Alvie are back in the kitchen doorway.] House: And… hike! [House throws the ball. Alvie jumps to get it.] Nolan: [voice over] Wait, wait, wait. Wait. [Alvie freezes in midair, having just caught the ball. Cut to Nolan’s office.] You seriously thought you were gonna tell me that Wilson showed up but not tell me what he said? House: Because I thought you were a smart guy who didn't need the obvious spelled out to him. Wilson noticed that I didn't come to my office all day. He came to find me, wanted to make sure I'm okay — boring, boring, boring. Nolan: Um, but you thought it was important to tell me about Nerf football? [House stares at him, unamused.] Sorry. Your story. Continue. [Cut back to the apartment. The freeze-frame unfreezes and Alvie lands on the couch, football in hand. He sort of rolls off the couch to the floor.] Alvie: House, House, stop! Stop, stop, stop. House: You okay? [The crucifix Alvie wears is on the floor. Alvie picks it up and inspects the chain.] Alvie: Yeah. It was my mother's. She died when I was four. It's all I have left. House: That's very sad, Alvie. Listen, I set up an immigration hearing. House: No, House, I'm gonna end up in jail or worse — the Dominican or someplace. Que se yo. Que no. [Cut to Nolan’s office.] Nolan: Um, interesting. You present yourself as, uh, not giving a damn about other people's emotions, but your actions indicate otherwise. You dismiss Alvie's story about his mother, but you cared enough to schedule a hearing. House: I cared for eight seconds. Then I got distracted. [Cut to the apartment. A phone rings. Alvie tosses the ball to House who catches it and digs into his pocket for his cell phone. He tosses it back, underhanded, as he looks at the caller ID.] House: Yeah. Taub: [voice over] We've kept the patient up for 12 hours now. No hint of seizure-like activity. We should shut this down. [Alvie takes a swallow of beer and tosses the ball back. House catches it one-handed. Alvie picks up the gyroscope and plays with it while House finishes his conversation.] House: Try a strobe light, add more stress. Taub: [voice over] I think there's plenty of stress in here. [Cut to Sidney’s room. Taub holds the phone up so House can hear her conversation with Jay. Thirteen is standing next to the bed.] Sidney: Don't we ever do anything but work? Jay: You run. Sidney: That's just more work. What about fun? God, how can we be this boring? Taub: [puts the phone back to his ear] Apparently, without her memory, the patient's personality has returned to what you might call its “natural state.” [The camera pans to House and Nolan, standing in the doorway to Sidney’s room.] House: Seems she had a wake-up call while she was at college. Her brother died in a car accident. She decided to make her life mean something. Went to law school. Now that's all gone. Nolan: The thing that caused the change is gone… So the change itself is gone. House: Yeah. I knew the psychological aspects of this case would interest you. Bet you got a theory already. What is it? Nolan: It's not relevant. House: [deliberately] What is it? Nolan: Why do you care about my theory? House: I think he just… bores her. She's at an earlier stage of development. She's looking at her grown-up future, and it puts her to sleep. Nolan: If he just bored her, she'd hide it to be polite. Their problem is synchronicity. Just like you and me, House, they're not on the same page. He talks to her like someone he shares history with. But from her point of view, he's a stranger forcing intimacy on her. Of course she doesn't like him. He's not helping. He can feel he's losing his wife, and it makes him come on stronger. House: He almost did lose his wife. [Behind him, Sidney sits up and groans. She can’t breathe. House and Nolan watch as Thirteen holds an oxygen mask to Sidney’s face.] [Cut to the MRI. Sidney is in it with only her feet visible from the outside. The entire team is in the control room. One monitor is on Sidney’s face. Most of the team is gathered around the monitor showing her brain scan.] Foreman: The breathing problem was caused by fluid overload in the lungs. Thirteen: Diabetes insipidus. Taub: And the D.I. came from damage to the hypothalamus. House: [pointing to the image on the monitor] Hypothalamus here, hence the D.I. and incontinence. The amygdala here, hence the global amnesia. And the motor cortex —that's the foot paralysis. What do they all have in common? Nolan: [voice over. House turns toward the voice] Okay, now you're just doing this to mess with me. [cut to Nolan’s office] What possible relevance does this differential have to your problems? House: It ends with a diagnosis of spongiform encephalitis. I convinced the team to cut out part of this woman's brain. That's not interesting to you? Nolan: No. [He has his hand over his face and he sounds weary.] House: Not even if it's the amygdala? She'll lose all her long-term memory. Nolan: Well, this is where you tell me that being cavalier with someone else's past has nothing to do with avoiding your own past. The case is irrelevant. You just found it, uh… interesting. House: [rubbing at his scalp with his fingertips as if he’s washing his hair] Aren't therapists supposed to be nurturing? Nolan: Nowhere… is that in the manual. Look, you–you've been in therapy for a year. You know when I ask you to talk about anything, I mean anything that affects you —what upset you, what made you mad or relieved or joyful. You want me to believe that this case means nothing? Then, um… why should I listen to it? [Nolan gets up and goes to the table. He picks up a couple of magazine then puts one back. He returns to his chair, carrying the other. He settles in and opens “Wooden Boat.” Licking his fingers, he deliberately turns the page. House stares at him until the second page is turned.] House: Are you charging me for this time? Nolan: [not looking up] Yes. House: This is ridiculous. [He gets up and picks up his cane. As he turns toward the door, Nolan speaks.] Nolan: What's that? On the back of your arm? [House turns his upper arm so he can see it.] House: It's just a bruise. And I fell. Nolan: You remember falling? House: No. I was drunk… Hence the balance issues. [He reaches for his jacket.] Nolan: Well, it looks like you fell on the tip of someone's boot. [House doesn’t pick up his jacket. He looks at the bruise again. He inhales loudly.] House: I said something that someone objected to. Nolan: Well, if you don't remember, then how can you— House: It's usually the way it is when someone hits me. People who kick when you're down are jerks, but they're generally not irrational jerks. Nolan: You got drunk enough to get into a bar fight and not remember, and you've been insisting that everything's fine? W–why–why go out and get blind drunk? Were you looking for a fight? House: I don't know. Nolan: [closing the magazine] What have you screwed up? House: [puzzled] What? Nolan: You say that when you've been ht in the past, it's because you provoked it with something that you said, which means you're well aware of the risks. So on some level, you were in that bar looking for someone to hurt you. Logically, people punish themselves for something they did or something they didn't do. So what… did you screw up? House: [thinks, then shakes his head. speaks quietly] I don't know. [long pause] Okay, there may be a problem. [House is back in his chair, slumped far down.] Nolan: All right… Let's talk about Wilson. [Cut to the street outside Dutch’s pawn shop. Wilson comes out.] Wilson: I told him your book was contaminated with anthrx spores. Then I gave him $300. [holds up a slip of paper] The address of the buyer. [pause] Maybe I was hasty in asking you to move out. Why don't you stay with me and Sam for a little while? There's no need to hurry things. House: What prompted this? Wilson: Look, the whole idea was that after Mayfield, you wouldn't be on your own. I can touch base with you a lot more easily if you're staying with me than— House: [grabbing the address] God's sake, Wilson. You really span the chasm from wishy to washy. If you're gonna be an ass, be an ass. Stick with it. [Cut to Nolan’s office.] Nolan: Why were you being so hard on the guy, when he was being conciliatory? House: Come on. Cuddy played on his guilt. She put him up to this. Nolan: How do you know that? How do you know this wasn't entirely his own idea? House: Two reasons — first, he wants to create the perfect environment to be with Sam. He's been thinking about asking me to leave for a while. Finally he does it and immediately turns around and changes his mind? No. He talked to somebody. Nolan: Maybe it was Sam. [Cut to Sam and Wilson on the couch. She’s on her back with her arms around him. They kiss.] House: [voice over] Yeah, that's a possibility. Wilson: I want this to be the last serious relationship I ever have. I want this to be the one. Sam: Me too. [They kiss again.] Where's House? It's not as meaningful without him. [She breaks the hug, plants both hands on his chest and pushes him away, hard.] [Cut to Nolan’s office] Nolan: Okay, um… Not Sam. Uh, that still doesn't answer why Cuddy. House: Because they've been talking about me. She called me to check on the patient, which she never does without a reason. I asked why, and she said… [Cut to Cuddy, sitting on her desk, talking to House on the phone.] Cuddy: She's a barracuda attorney, House. These are the kind of patients we like to keep happy. [As Cuddy talks, the camera pans clockwise, past the window with brown wood blinds. It stops just before the door to the office when it reaches House and Nolan who are sitting in their armchairs with the coffee table between them. House turns his head to the right to answer her.] House: Right now the patient's lucky if she can spell jurisprudence. [House and Nolan look at each other as Cuddy starts to answer. Partway through, the camera cuts to her, still sitting on her desk. House and Nolan are in the background.] Cuddy: Yeah, but when she gets that memory back, which we are trying to make happen, she'll be able to spell lawsuit. I'm just touching base. House: Touching base. Wilson used exactly the same phrase. Colluding about me is their favorite pastime. Nolan: Okay, you think they talked. How do you think that conversation went? [House looks back to where Cuddy was sitting. The only light is a dim desk lamp.] Wilson: I'm worried about House. [The light gets stronger. Cuddy is behind her desk. Wilson is in the visitor’s chair in front of it.] Cuddy: Me too. Couldn't you have waited? It's way too early for him to be on his own, back in the old apartment. What makes you think he can handle it? Wilson: I offered to find him a new place. [House and Nolan listen to this. House seems uncomfortable and embarrassed.] Cuddy: [voice over] You have to let him back into your condo. Wilson: [voice over] Sam and I just got him out of the condo. Cuddy: You know what House is like. He's self-destructive. [House, who is actually narrating the whole story to Nolan, can be seen — but not heard — saying “He’s self-destructive” to Nolan at the same time Cuddy says it to Wilson.] Cuddy: [back on camera] Without constant supervision, he's gonna slide back into drugs. If you're not watching him, I've got to. Wilson: [nodding] Yeah. Nolan: So they don't trust you. They assume you'll fail. Are these their fears or yours? [House doesn’t answer. Nolan stands and walks to right wall of Cuddy’s office. He turns on the floor lamps on either side of the couch.] Nolan: Let's turn on the lights, Hmm? In your brain. Maybe they did talk about you, but… How do you know it didn't happen like this? [As Nolan heads back to his chair, he passes Cuddy and Wilson who are now sitting side by side in the middle of the couch.] Wilson: I'm worried about House. Cuddy: Why? Wilson: It's the first time he'll be on his own since Mayfield. Cuddy: Now you're being overprotective. House doesn't need to be wrapped in cotton wool. But you know that, or you wouldn't have asked him to move out. Wilson: Okay. I guess this is really about me. It's just… I feel like a jerk. Sure, Sam and I are gonna want to be on our own eventually, but I kind of sprang this on him. The right way would have been to just tell him to take as long as he needed, that there's no hurry. Cuddy: So it's not what you did, but how you did it. Wilson: That matters in a friendship. I need to fix this. Cuddy: Why don't you talk to him about moving back in? Just touch base. [The door opens and Taub walks in.] Taub: We're having a consent issue with the patient. Nolan: Wait a minute. Taub's not here. [Taub turns to leave.] House: Yeah, he is. [The door can be heard opening again and Taub is back where he was standing a moment before.] Taub: We're having a consent issue with the patient. Nolan: What's Taub doing in my imaginary version of a scene with Wilson and Cuddy? House: Your version needed to be ended, 'cause it's crap. It's all sweetness and light and… faith that I'm gonna choose the right path. Yeah, that sounds like Wilson. [Wilson and Cuddy are sitting, motionless, on the sofa looking very unhappy. The light on them dims.] [Cut to Nolan and House back in Nolan’s office.] Nolan: I have as much evidence for mine as you do for yours. I know Wilson's your friend. So he could be wondering if he did right by you. And I know he wouldn't have asked you to move out in the first place unless he was convinced you could handle life on your own. House: And I know that he and Cuddy have gone behind my back before to strategize about the House problem. Nolan: So there's truth in both versions. But you choose to focus on the parts that make you uncomfortable. So… [leans forward] Why are you and Wilson… friends? Do you think this friendship is the best you can do? House: Wilson is not a consolation prize. Nolan: There… You're defending him. And a minute ago, he was skulking around in the background like some sort of manipulative Iago. House: [glowering] He's my friend. Nolan: So what do you value in him? House: [thinks] I can say whatever I want to him, and he'll never leave. Nolan: He's sort of leaving. At least, he won't be around as much… because he's putting Sam first. House: For now. After the divorce, he'll probably ask me to move in again. I take the long view. Nolan: You say that to Wilson? House: Are you kidding? That's the kind of remark that leads people to ht you. Nolan: Uh, maybe you've been right from the beginning. Maybe this isn't about Wilson. House: You say that now that I finally agree with you? Do you just argue the opposite of whatever I say? Nolan: I don't mean the Wilson thing doesn't, uh, bother you, uh, but it sounds like he's the closest you can come to a safe relationship. You'd have to do something major to screw it up. Um, what–what else have you been involved in this week? What would you want to punish yourself for? House: [thinking] I told you, I don't know. Nolan: Okay, um, let's approach it from a different angle. Have you gotten any other people angry at you over anything? House: Well, yeah. That's why I called it an ordinary week. Nolan: Okay. Tell me about it. [Cut to Sidney’s room. She’s sitting up and glaring at someone.] Jay: You'd be losing a part of your brain. Sidney: It is my brain. Why is it not my right to consent? [House enters, followed by Taub.] Jay: I'm sorry, but… I'll take this to court if necessary. All right, Sidney's in no position to make decisions about herself right now. She doesn't even know who she is. Sidney: I read your consent form, and I understood it. I want the surgery. Jay: Why wouldn't she? Of course she's willing to risk losing her memories permanently. She has no idea how important those memories are. Does she even know what risk is? She's never lost anything. House: Without the surgery, she'll lose everything. The prion infection will continue to advance and destroy her whole brain. Jay: Well, there has to be another way. Please. I'm speaking for my wife, the wife I lived with for four years who isn't here and can't defend herself. [House turns and stares at a monitor.] Dr. House, are you listening? House: Well, you can stop arguing, 'cause it doesn't matter anymore. Look at the variability in the heart rate. The S.E. has spread into the brain stem. Sidney: W–wherever it is, you–you can still cut it out. Taub: No. We can't cut the brain stem. House: This thing's moving too quickly. Surgery's no longer an option, which I guess means you've won. Congratulations. [to Taub] Put in a pacer and start her on chemo and radiation. It won't cure her, but it'll buy a couple weeks so she can find out who she is before she dies. [He walks out, leaving a shocked Jay and Sidney.] [Cut to Nolan’s office. House is rubbing his leg.] Nolan: That was pretty rough Do you always break the news to your patients that way? Or were you short-handing it for me? House: Husband was being an idiot. Nolan: Well, he was asking for it. But, um, to punish him you have to punish the wife too. Why–why did he make you so angry, Hmm? Because he didn't want to cooperate with you? House: He'd rather risk his wife's life than their marriage. People's brains stop working when they think they're gonna lose someone they love. Nolan: Your leg hurt? House: It's all right. Nolan: Okay. Anyone else you pissed off? [Cut to a suburban lawn. Someone is cutting the grass. At the front door, House is talking to Harris.] House: 50 bucks for the book. Harris: Forget it. House: You paid $25. That's 100% return. Harris: That's what I paid. But it's a rare surgical text, nearly 100 years old — plates in mint condition. That book's worth several thousand dollars. House: $2,000. I'll write you a check. Harris: Nice try. Face it — I had the wit to recognize something valuable when I saw it. In the great Darwinian race, I get my just reward. You become road kll. [He steps back in the house and closes the door. House can be seen, slightly warped, through the ornate glass in the door. He turns and starts to walk away.] [Cut to House’s car. He sits behind the wheel but the engine isn’t on. The passenger door opens and Alvie gets in.] Alvie: Yo, House, you want to stop by the library? 'Cause I got a book to return. Ta-ka-plow! [He pulls the book from under his shirt. As House takes it, Alvie raps] Old Professor tried to hoard/slash/hog You can't stop Alvie with no guard-ass dog House: Anyone see you? Alvie: Yeah, prof saw me walking down the driveway. He said the roses need more fertilizer. [Alvie puts his sunglasses and seatbelt on as House smiles and starts the car.] [Cut to House’s office. Alvie is by the door, examining the phrenology head.] Alvie: I didn't know there was a section of the brain just for hope. House: It's very, very tiny. Taub: [enters] We used fluoroscopy to guide pacemaker placement in the patient's heart. Alvie: Hello. [He cheerfully joins House and Taub at the desk.] Taub: [to Alvie, noncommittal] Hello. [to House] Rapidly progressive dilated cardiomyopathy. This isn't S.E., and whatever it is, it's not just in her brain. It's attacking her whole body. Alvie: You work for House? I guess we're teammates. Isn't that cool? Taub: [uncomfortable] Hello. [As Taub turns back to talk to House, two officers enter the office. The man, Officer Durkee, reaches into his suit pocket for a court order. The female officer, who is behind him, has handcuffs clearly visible on her belt.] Durkee: Juan Alvarez? Alvie: What the hell? [The jingle of the handcuffs can be heard.] Durkee: We're taking you into custody — deportation order. Alvie: I'm a citizen. You're disrespecting Puerto Rico. Durkee: If you're a citizen, why'd you miss your hearing? [Alvie looks at House whose head is down but he makes eye contact with Alvie. He looks uncomfortable.] Alvie: You called them? [They lead Alvie out, his hand cuffed behind him.] Taub: What's going on? [Cut to the Diagnostics conference room. Foreman is talking loudly.] Foreman: We're trying to sab her heart. She's still tachy and hypotensive. [Cut to courtroom. House is on his cell phone, talking to Foreman as Alvie is led in. He is seated directly in front of House.] House: Brain, heart, and rapidly progressing. Thirteen: [voice over] Endocarditis — slow-moving infection in her heart throws clots to her brain. Alvie: [turning his head toward House just a bit] I'm not talking to you. How could you turn me in? Chase: [Voice over] Her extreme exercise suppresses her immune system, [cut to Diagnostics] allows the infection to smolder. House: [voice over] Or allows an old infection to reactivate it — TB. [cut to courtroom] Start her on a multidrug regimen. Alvie: I don't like you, House. [looking back at House] I hate you. Taub: [voice over] Even I.V. Antibiotics will take time to work. Court Officer: A gentle reminder — the use of cell phones is prohibited. House: Give her the first dose directly into the lungs in the O.R. Court Officer: Before the less gentle arrest for contempt. House: Put her in an isolation room with U.V. light. And get yourselves tested. You've all been exposed. [He finishes quickly, closes his phone and sits up politely. The court officer stares at him for a minute before continuing.] Court Officer: Docket number 4378. [The judge raps her gavel. Alvie and his lawyer step to the railing. House also stands up and comes forward.] Public Defender: You are? House: I am Mr. Alvarez's doctor. [He hands her a sheet of paper, which she unfolds and reads.] Public Defender: Your honor, DNA evidence proving the matriarchal lineage of Juan Alvarez. [She approaches the bench.] [Cut to the hallway outside the courtroom.] Alvie: My mother's DNA was still on that cross? House: It could be. Alvie: You faked it? [He jumps on House to hug him.] It wasn't just me. You lied to them too! House: I'm better at it than you are. Alvie: I'm gonna repaint your whole apartment now, make the drapes match the carpet now! [Cut to the hospital. Sidney is being wheeled down a hall by Foreman as Chase listens with his stethoscope. They pass House who then follows them.] Chase: Lungs sound wet. O-2 sats are dropping. Foreman: May need to tube her. Grab some I.V. furosemide. [They turn into the room with the ultra-violet light House ordered for Sidney’s TB.] House: Wait, wait. Foreman: She's crashing. Chase: We need to get her on a vent. House: There's something on her ankle. [He touches her leg] Foreman: Tattoo. Chase: "Eddie would go." It's a surfing phrase. Must be from her earlier life. House: She tried to get it removed, but they only took off the top layers of skin. The ink is still in the deeper layers. [cut to Nolan’s office] Set off an allergic reaction. She was fine until she started the long-distance running. The ultra-marathoning modified her immune system, set off the allergic reaction. We did a full thickness skin graft, and she'll be okay. Nolan: So you were right… in the end. It was her past. Did she get her memory back? [Cut to Sidney’s room. She smiles and smells a huge bouquet of roses.] House: [voice over] Not yet. [House and Nolan are standing in the hall, looking into Sidney’s room.] Nolan: Will she? House: No way to know. Sidney: I think roses are my favorite. But I guess I told you that at some point. Jay: I don't remember. Nolan: He's treating her as though they just met. He's courting her. Whose idea was that? [House walks off, quickly.] He was doing the opposite of everything he should. Suddenly he's changed. House: Taub thought it might— Nolan: [following House down the hall] That was your idea. And you asked me what I thought was going on between them. It's their relationship that's on your mind. That's why you've been thinking about this case — relationships. Lost one with Wilson, gained one with Alvie. House: Not exactly. [House enters his apartment carrying a take out bag. He hangs his cane on the molding.] House: Alvie? [He takes off his jacket and takes his cane back. He sees a note on the coffee table, under the gyroscope. He puts the bag of food on the table, picks up the note and sits on the couch, reading it.] Nolan: [voice over] You gonna tell me what the note said? House: [putting the note down] Alvie was very grateful that I'd gotten him out of trouble. It allowed him to go stay with his cousin in Phoenix without worrying about immigration looking for him there. [Nolan is sitting in the armchair from his office, next to the piano/in front of the fireplace.] Nolan: You didn't think he was gonna stay forever. House: No. Nolan: What happened next? [Bluesy music plays and House sits on his couch, drinking.] House: [voice over] Nothing happened next. [House picks up the empty bottle in his left hand. He looks at the bottle and the glass for a few moments then puts them both back on the table. He gets up, grabs his jacket and leaves — presumably for the bar where he got kicked.] [Cut to Nolan’s office. House bounces his cane on the floor a couple of times.] House: That's all I got. Nolan: [thinking, sighs] Relationships. House: Bergman. [shrugs] What do you want me to say? Nolan: I don't know. You're the one who set the theme — something about relationships made you go out and provoke a fight. Wilson and Sam have a relationship. You're not thrilled about it. House: They're happy. Why should I screw that up? Everyone's happy. Everyone's moving in together — Wilson and Sam, Cuddy and Lucas. Even Alvie's— Nolan: Cuddy and Lucas are moving in together? You didn't mention that. House: They talked about moving in together before. It's not big news. Nolan: Cuddy… [He gets up.] Cuddy. “Approach to the Acute Abdomen”… [He types something into his computer.] Written by Ernest T. Cuddy, M.D. Any relation to your Cuddy? House: Her great-grandfather. I've had it for years… Always meant to give it to her for a special occasion. Nolan: Like her… housewarming? House: It's just a gift. [House gets up as Nolan returns to his armchair.] Nolan: A woman you care about is taking one step further away from you and closer to someone else? I–I think I can safely say yes, it's significant if you don't mention it. You were willing to punish the husband of your patient because you identified with him. He was also losing someone he loved. House: I'm not gonna go out and get hammered because a woman I'm not even with is moving in with someone. That'd be pathetic. To hell with this. When I first came to you, I told you that I wanted to be happy, and I followed your advice. And instead, I'm just miserable. How is this working for me? Nolan: It takes time. House: For a year, I've done everything you've asked, and everybody else is happy. I run on my treadmill. You just sit there and watch. You're a faith healer. You take advantage of people who want to believe. But there's nothing in your bag of tricks. Nolan: House… [House picks up his jacket and opens the door.] House: Whatever the answer is, you don't have it. [He leaves, closing the door. Nolan sits with his hand on his head, which is bowed.] The End	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x21 - Baggage"}	foreverdreaming
[The scene opens on a close-up of House’s fisted right hand, then there is a quick montage of images, some blurry; a bloody shoe, a bloody bandage, House’s mouth as he inhales deeply, a broken mirror, a baseball size hole in the wall, House’s left fist as it opens, and finally, his face as he bows his head and closes his eyes] [The screen blacks out and the words “Eight Hours Earlier” appear] [Cut to PPTH in the evening eight hours earlier. House limps through the busy clinic area and pushes open the outer door of Cuddy’s office with his cane. He is carrying a large brown envelope under his left arm. He hesitates in front of her office door for a split second, before opening it and walking in. Cuddy is beside her desk pulling on a pair of dark blue coveralls with the PPTH logo on the front] Cuddy: A crane collapsed in downtown Trenton. House: (looking down and sideways, but not at Cuddy) Don't care. [Still not looking at her, House hands Cuddy the brown envelope. She pulls an old book out of the envelope, tosses the envelope on her desk and holds up the book. The title is Approach to the Acute Abdomen.] Cuddy: (recognizing the author, Ernest T. Cuddy) My great-grandfather. House: No, it's just a book he wrote. Open it up. [Cuddy opens the front cover, revealing an inscription, which reads, “To Lisa and Lucas. Here’s to a new chapter. Best. Greg.” She closes the book and looks up at him] Cuddy: Seriously, you're giving this to us? House: It's a big step you're taking. I wanted to congratulate you. I understand that's the adult thing to do. Cuddy: How did you know? House: I've known for a while. The fact that you decided to cohabitate is not exactly a spoiler. Unless my intel is wrong. [Cuddy turns to finish putting on the coveralls. House helps her put her arms in the sleeves and pull up the coveralls] House: Trouble in paradise? Cuddy: (quickly putting up her hair and ignoring the question) We have to get to Trenton. [Cuddy leaves House standing there to wonder about her unexpected reaction to the gift] [Cut to a battalion 228 fre truck at the disaster scene. It is dark now and there are hundreds of rescue workers doing their jobs in an orderly fashion. Fireman are pulling out fre hoses, policeman try to control the crowds, and EMT’s go about the business of rescuing victims] [It is noisy. Emergency workers chatter, victims moan and call for help, helicopter blades thrum overhead, illuminating the scene with spotlights, and ambulance sirens wail. Foreman and Cuddy walk into the scene. They stop to speak with someone in charge. Into this chaos, rides House on his motorcycle. He pulls up just behind Foreman and Cuddy and parks. Taking off his helmet and grabbing his cane off the bike, House surveys the scene. He looks at Cuddy and starts to follow her as she heads to the triage area] [House stops and looks up. The camera follows his gaze, which takes in the huge, toppled, construction crane. The camera pans into the building where the crane fell, destroying the structure and burying many of the occupants under tons of rubble. There is a huge hole in the center of the building] [Cut to a close-up of House, who stands in awe of the overwhelming destruction] OPENING CREDITS [The opening credits are abbreviated. There is only a silent flash of the title on the screen, without the usual accompanying theme of Teardrop on the fre and the familiar introductory montage] [Cut back to the accident scene. The noise of the helicopters, sirens, and jackhammers, is deafening after the silence which accompanied the opening credits. Bright arc lights illuminate the scene, which includes EMTs bringing victims to the triage area and a working dog searching for more victims. House and Cuddy are doing triage on victims who have been pulled from the rubble] House: (shining a light into the eyes of a young woman with blood running down her face) Can you hear me? Young Woman: Hmm? House: (to Cuddy) That sound like a yes? [Next to House, Cuddy is examining a middle-age man who is lying on a stretcher] Cuddy: Sir, we have to get you to the O.R. You have a bad wound, but we're gonna pack it and transport you as fast as we can. [House reaches around and feels the back of his patient’s skull] House: (to the worker recording the decisions of the triage doctors) Skull fracture. Glasgow coma score of 11. She's immediate. [Cuddy has risen to talk to an EMT about transporting her patient. In the meantime, House has taken a look at Cuddy’s patient] House: Move on. This guy's dad. Cuddy: His wounds aren't so— House: (pulling off his latex gloves) Forget the wound. Look at his toes. Atherosclerotic emboli. He'll never survive the surgery. Cuddy: Maybe his shoes were too tight. House: It's not the shoes. Skin shows smoker's facies. He's not gonna make it till morning. He'll just take up an ambulance ride, surgeon's time, and an ICU bed. Cuddy: (to the emergency worker) He's expectant. Leave him. [Cut to the cab of the crane, where Foreman and a number of EMTs are preparing to extract the crane operator from the cab] Jay: I only nodded off for a second. I lost control of the load. I'm so sorry. Foreman: Don't worry. We're gonna get you outta here. Jay: I'm sorry. [An EMT puts a strap around Jay’s head to secure the neck brace] Foreman: He's secure. EMT: Ready? Three, two, one. [They lift Jay straight up out of the cab and load him onto a stretcher. House approaches] Foreman: (to House) Crane operator. Made it through amazingly well. Lucid and responsive. sab fracture, right humerus. Haven't gotten to his lower half yet. [House starts to examine Jay’s lower body as Foreman splints Jay’s arm] House: (to Jay) Tell me when something hurts. Jay: I fell asleep, klled all those people. House: Something other than your conscience. Is that a pill in your pocket, or are you just happy to have a tiny pill-shaped penis? [House pulls a packet of pills out of Jay’s pocket] House: Caffeine pills. You fell asleep taking these? Jay: I drank two cups of coffee too. House: Is that normal for you? Jay: No, I hate coffee. I'm working on no sleep. My daughter has the flu. House: (to Foreman) This much caffeine for a coffee virgin. There's no way he fell asleep. He passed out. Which means a neurological disorder caused the crash, not fatigue. (yelling to Cuddy) Hey. We're taking the crane operator back to Princeton. Cuddy: They said he was barely hurt — he can wait. House: (to Foreman) Steal an ambulance. And call the team. Tell 'em we got a case. Cuddy: (coming over to talk to him) House. No! I need you here. House: Well he needs me there. And he moans louder than you do. Cuddy: There were over 100 people in that building. Only 76 have been accounted for. Foreman and your team can handle the crane operator for now. [House looks discouraged as he watches a rescue worker pull a sheet over the body of the patient he rightly believed would not survive] [Cut to the emergency room of PPTH. The scene is chaotic here also. Bloody victims sit waiting for care as doctors do their best to treat everyone. Wilson is pulling shards of glass out of a victim’s forehead. His cell phone rings, and he pulls it from his pocket, glancing at the caller ID before tucking it between his chin and his shoulder so he can continue to work on his patient] Wilson: (talking to House on his phone) Having fun down there? [The scene moves between the accident scene and PPTH as House and Wilson talk on the phone] House: Lots! Every time Cuddy leans over a patient, it's another opportunity for a down blouse nip slip. What's going on between her and Lucas? [House has limped into a part of the building which is still standing] Wilson: Besides them moving in together? That's not enough for you? House: I gave her the housewarming gift earlier. And she paused for a split second, like she was hiding something. [House spies what looks like a vending machine, though it is covered in dirt. He bends down and manages to read the words “Cold Drinks” on the front of the machine. He stands, and transferring his cane to his phone hand, digs into his front jeans pocket for coins] Wilson: It's probably her moral revulsion at housewarming gifts. House: Or maybe she didn't want to accept a gift for something she wasn't gonna do. Wilson: You actually think they're not moving in together? [Finding no coins in his pocket, House looks around furtively before taking his cane in his right hand and using it to break the glass from the front of the machine] Wilson: What was that? You okay? House: (reaching into the machine and pulling out a drink) Yeah. Vending machine collapsed. [The area where House found the vending machine appears to be a lounge. He sits down on a dirt-covered chair, propping his cane beside him] House: She still using your ex-wife as a realtor? Wilson: As far as I know. House: Well, know a little farther, will you? Look into it. [At PPTH Wilson lets his phone slide from his shoulder and puts it in his pocket] [House pockets his phone and rubs at his right thigh. As he starts to open his drink, he hears a “clang” and looks in the direction of the sound. There is another “clang” and House gets up, following the sound. He pauses in front of a pile of concrete and waits, listening intently. There is third “clang,” closer this time. He turns and calls to one of the resucue workers] House: Hey! There's somebody down here! [Cut to the monitor of a piece of sensory rescue equipment which has been placed on top of the pile of concrete where House heard the clanging. It is now very quiet as House, Cuddy, and the rescue workers watch and listen. A dog is working the scene also] Captain McCreaney: If you can hear me, tap three times, or call out. Is anyone there? [The Captain looks at the worker who is listening for a response via an earpiece. The worker shakes his head in the negative] Captain McCreaney: I'm not getting anything. House: (who has acquired a flashlight) I heard something — there's gotta be a void down there. Captain McCreaney: There's a million voids down there. It was the parking garage. But equipment hasn't picked up any movement. Dogs haven't picked up any scent. House: There's smashed cars down there. The gasoline throw off their scent? Captain McCreaney: Look, we gotta get back to work, okay? We'll get to this area soon. Excuse me. [A whistle shrills twice, the small group of rescue workers break up and the hubbub in the background resumes. Cuddy looks at House, and then, she too, leaves to go back to work] [House continues to examine the area where he heard the clanging. He spies a pipe sticking up out of the ground and when he whacks it with his cane, it sounds exactly like the clanging her heard earlier. He follows the pipe with his flashlight, and looking rather unsure, crawls into the space where the pipe disappears into the ground. He shines the flashlight around the small space and calls out] House: Anybody hear me? Hey! Anybody hear me? [He hears nothing but falling rubble and the muffled sounds from above. Looking reluctantly back at the opening to the tunnel, he continues to crawl further into the cavelike space. He slides down a gradual slope and finds a metal hatch, which he kicks open with his good leg. The space opens up a little on the other side of the hatch and he is able to continue in a squatting position. He continues moving forward, using the flashlight and his cane to feel what is in front of him. A hand reaches into the beam of the flashlight and grabs the cane, startling House] House: Aah! Oh... [A young women covered in concrete dust lies on the ground in front of House] Hanna: Help me. (she groans) [Cut to House sitting beside the young woman] House: (brushing her free of debris) What's your name? Hanna: (coughing) Please...my husband's gift. I was supposed to pick it up at the framers. It's on Elm. House: Well, you should have told me earlier. I could have picked it up on the way. What's your name? Hanna: It's a picture from our Tortola trip. For his birthday. [House examines the young woman for injuries as he talks to her] House: I'm not asking your name because I wanna become friends. I'm trying to gauge your mental state. Hanna: Hanna. House: Okay, that's a start. What day of the week is it? [He shines the flashlight down her lower body and discovers that her right leg is stuck under a fallen concrete beam] Hanna: Tuesday. House: Better still. Hanna: What happened? [House has been examining the area around himself and Hanna, trying to access the integrity of the collapsed structure] House: You know that giant construction crane next door? It's kind of on top of you right now. Okay, I'm gonna try to pull you out. [Holding the flashlight in his mouth, he tugs at Hanna’s leg, which is thoroughly stuck] Hanna: Ow! My leg! Oh! Oh! Oh! (she whimpers) House: Okay, okay. [He looks around again with the flashlight and then sighs] House: Whew… I'm gonna need to get help. Hanna: No, stay! Someone else will come. House: No one knows I'm down here. Hanna: Please! Stay with me. Don't leave me in the dark. House: I'll be right back. [He starts to crawl back the way he came] Hanna: (yelling) No! Don't leave me in the dark! Please stay! (she whimpers) [A cell phone rings and the scene cuts to Foreman in the ER at PPTH. He is with Jay, the crane operator. Foreman looks at the caller ID, then answers his phone. The scene moves back and forth between House and the team at PPTH during the phone call] Foreman: He's still in the ER House. We haven't had time to start a differential. [House is aboveground again. There is a rescue worker close by cutting through some concrete, throwing up sparks as he works] House: Perfect! Let's start right now. Put me on speaker. (shouting, to be heard over the noise of the saw) What causes syncope? [Foreman holds out his phone so that Taub and Chase can also hear House] Taub: Your guy's sab. The two dozen other patients— House: Who don't need to be diagnosed. They just need to be bandaged. What causes syncope? [House sits down on some broken concrete, puts his cane aside, and rubs his right thigh] Chase: Vasovagal reaction... Foreman: Meningioma, sick sinus syndrome. Taub: Or you're wrong, and he just fell asleep. House: How's he gonna sleep with 50 cups of coffee going through his veins? Taub: Were you never a medical resident? House: I hear ten, eleven, and twelve. Where's Thirteen? Foreman: She's not here. And the answer to your next question is no. I don't know where she is. House: Do you have the answer to my question after that? Space-occupying lesion in his brain is most likely. MRI will prove I'm right. Taub: Or it'll just prove he suffered head trauma from the crash. House: Which we'd wanna find anyway. Two birds with one scan. Do it. [House disconnects the call as an EMT approaches] EMT: Having trouble finding a vein for Hanna's IV. House: She getting weaker? Paler? EMT: No, no. She's sab. House: That means her blood loss in minimal. Buys us some time. Get the IV into her tibia. It's almost hollow, feeds into the venous system. (The EMT stares at him blankly) Which, they obviously don't teach you in EMT school. [House stands, and picking up the EMT’s medical kit, heads back to the entrance of the tunnel. He hangs his cane on an exposed piece of rebar before crawling back into the tunnel] [Cut to House pushing the medical kit along in front of himself as he enters the space where Hanna lies. Captain McCreaney and some other rescue workers are now present. They have brought in lights and are working to shore up the existing beams with blocks of wood. Captain McCreaney is using a drill in an attempt to break up the concrete trapping Hanna’s right leg] Rescue Worker 1: This side's still leaning pretty bad. Gotta shore up this beam. What do ya got? Rescue Worker 2: We need six 4 X 4s….. [The rescue workers continue to work and talk in the background as House plops himself down next to Hanna] House: Told ya I'd be back. House: (unzipping the medical kit) Heard you might be thirsty. [Captain McCreaney stops drilling and takes off his safety goggles] Captain McCreaney: Ahhh... House: (to the Captain) I assume that bodes well for the rescue? Captain McCreaney: Structural beam. High compression concrete. I can't break it up. Hanna: You can't get me outta here? Captain McCreaney: Naw. Just means we gotta move on to a different piece of equipment. I got airbags comin' in that'll lift 70 tons. [House prepares to insert the IV into Hanna’s tibia] Hanna: What's your name? House: You testing my mental state? Hanna: I'm gonna be stuck down here for a while. I'd like somebody to talk to. House: Look, the guy who just left is the one who's gonna be holding your hand through all this. You talk to him. [House unwraps an IV needle] House: Little pinch. Hanna: (sitting up and crying out in pain) Aah! Oh! Ow! House: Okay. Big pinch. Hanna: I gotta call my husband. Can I use your phone? [After inserting the IV, House hangs the bag from a ceiling beam] House: Uh, no bars down here. L'chaim. [House starts to crawl back down the tunnel] Hanna: Where are you going? House: Don't worry. fre marshal Bill will be back soon. [Cut to House approaching Cuddy at triage. Cuddy is wrapping a bandage around a victim’s leg. She gives another triage worker her stethoscope] House: So I hope I didn't weird you out giving you that gift. Cuddy: (continuing to roll and wrap the bandage) Can we talk about this later? House: Of course. (He pauses briefly) Is now later? Maybe things aren't going so well with Lucas. If so, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to step into anything. Cuddy: There's no problems. We're doing just great. [The other triage worker returns her stethoscope] Cuddy: (to the other woman) Thank you. House: So why the weirdness? Cuddy: (motioning to another doctor) Can you help? (She pulls House aside and takes off her gloves) When I opened it, I didn't think it was a housewarming gift. I thought it was an engagement present. (House looks stunned) It just happened last night. House: No wonder you wanna hide this from me... Since I'm such a delicate flower. Cuddy: I didn't know what to say. And I've been slightly distracted. [The camera cuts further back to show House and Cuddy talking amidst many fireman, EMTs and other emergency personnel] House: That might make sense, 'cept you're not wearing the ring. (The camera cuts back to a closeup sht) So...You are hiding it, which begs the question— Cuddy: (putting her hands on his arms and speaking to him as if her were a child) House...It's in my office drawer because I knew I was coming here. It's not weird. There's no mystery. I'm just getting married. Captain McCreaney: (approaching quickly) 'Scuse me. [Cut to PPTH. Chase and Taub are doing the MRI on Jay] Jay: (speaking from inside the MRI machine) How much longer? Taub: Uh, less than a minute. Are you in any pain? Jay: Nothing new. Just a little claustrophobic. Shouldn't you be taking care of those other people, the ones that I hurt? [They conclude the test and the table slides out of the machine. Taub and Chase leave the control room to talk to Jay] Chase: Everything checks out okay. [Chase removes the headbrace and Jay sits up. He wipes at his nose with his hand] Jay: My nose is bleeding. Chase: It's expected, given the trauma you've sustained. Taub: (pointing) That's not expected. (There is also blood seeping from Jay’s right eye) [Cut to a quick sht of the fallen crane and the disaster in the background, then cut to the underground space around Hanna, where House, looking hurt and confused, is sitting with Hanna, Cuddy, and Captain McCreaney. The support beams have been shored up with wood blocks and bright emergency lights illuminate the scene] Captain McCreaney: The way things fell, this support beam is now holding up a giant pile of rubble. We can't lift it without jeopardizing everyone down here. So it's time to discuss amputation. [Captain McCreaney is mostly talking to Cuddy, but he glances at Hanna, knowing that she does not want to hear what he is suggesting] Hanna: (vehemently) No. Cuddy: (to Hanna) Please listen to me. You’ve been down here almost two hours. By the time they clear away the rubble— House: (Interrupting) We are not cutting off her leg. (to Hanna) You don't have to rush through this to make his job easier. (He motions toward the captain) Captain McCreaney: You kidding me? Cuddy: We leave the leg pinned, we're risking crush syndrome. Hanna: What's that? Cuddy: Your leg isn't getting enough circulation. The longer it's pinned the more the muscle dies. Hanna: So what does that mean, like a limp? Cuddy: Dying muscles release poisons. We free your leg, the poisons rush back into your system. It could stop your heart. House: So could cheeseburgers. (to Captain McCreaney) Let's get your lazy friends to start moving that pile. She's got two more hours before crush syndrome could possibly set in. [Cuddy looks angrily at House] Captain McCreaney: We're digging up there by hand. I can't guarantee I can get 10 tons of debris pulled off in two hours. Hanna: Well, you need to try. It's my leg. Captain McCreaney: (to Hanna) It's not just crush syndrome you gotta worry about, okay? There's gas leaks. There's fre. We can never rule out secondary collapses, no matter how much we shore this thing up. House: You think chopping off someone's limb inside a pile of dirty rocks is safe? Sepsis, fat embolism, a hemorrhage. Captain McCreaney: Those risks are nothing compared to the risk of this thing coming down again. Cuddy: Captain, he's a jerk. But it's what the patient wants. Can we please just give it a couple more hours? Captain McCreaney: (sighing, he answers softly) Yeah. (He moves away) Cuddy: I gotta get up to triage. [Cuddy scoots back up the tunnel as House checks Hanna’s IV line] Hanna: Thank you, doctor? House: House. You don't need to thank me. It just makes sense. Hanna: Just promise me you won't let them cut off my leg. House: (crossing his fingers) I promise. Does that make you feel better? Hanna: For some reason, it does. [House’s cell phone rings. He pulls it out of his jacket pocket] Hanna: Your phone is working down here. House: (flipping open his phone) Switched carriers. Better rollover minutes. (into the phone) Talk. Foreman: (talking to House on the phone from the diagnostics conference room) MRI was clean, but afterwards, he started bleeding out of his eyes and nose. House: So there was something wrong before the collapse. Taub: Unless it's just conjunctive coagulopathy from the trauma. House: Yeah, yeah, yeah — you don't think he was sick before. We get it! You're wrong. Chase: Brain infection? Thirteen: (entering the conference room) Sorry I'm late. House: (to Thirteen) Where were you? Thirteen: Physical therapy. I left my phone in my locker. Chase: The infection causes neurological symptoms, goes systemic, and D.I.C. causes the bleed. House: Good theory. Except for the part that there's no fever. Get an X-ray venogram. See if you can find a reason for your existence. Also look for venous sinus thrombosis. Foreman: Would have seen it on the MRI. House: Not if you were too busy not looking for it. Thirteen: We should X-ray for a facial fracture first. This could all be simple trauma. House: Just do what I tell you. Be back in ten minutes. (He disconnects the call) Hanna: You're leaving? House: There's a dozen people here who can save you. I'm apparently the only one who can save this other guy. [House crawls back toward the entrance to the tunnel] Hanna: W–wait! Don't go. (She whimpers, looking scared) [Cut to the accident scene above. House clips his cane onto his motorcycle and mounts the bike. Cuddy approaches him] Cuddy: Hanna's freaking out. She's having a panic attck. She can't breathe. She's gonna rip out all her IVs. House: (zipping up his jacket) So calm her down. Cuddy: She wants you. House: I'm flattered. Give her oxygen. (He starts up the bike engine) Cuddy: They won't let O2 down there. Fear of explsin. You have to go back. She needs you, House. (He turns off the bike engine and grabs his cane) [Cut back to the present in House’s apartment. There are glimpses of House limping down his hallway, standing in front of his bathroom mirror and rolling a pill bottle around in his hand. The scene cuts briefly to a longshot of House, sitting on his bathroom floor. He bows his head] [Next is the sound of velcro ripping, then the camera cuts to House putting a blood pressure cuff on Hanna’s arm] Hanna: You only came back because I freaked out. Right? House: Not at all. I just realized how... big and scary the world is and how cozy and safe this little place is. (He takes off his leather jacket) Hanna: Thank you. I'm sorry I needed you. [House reaches into his jacket pocket, takes out his phone, and flipping it open, hands it to Hanna] House: Here. Call your husband. [Hanna is breathing hard as she dials her husband’s phone number. House pumps up the blood pressure cuff] Hanna: (into the phone) Charlie? I'm here in... They called you? They're helping me. Are you coming? (breathing hard) I don't know how this could happen. It's your birthday. I'm so sorry. House: See? This is why I lied about the phone. Your BP is spiking, so you're bleeding faster from your leg wound. I'm gonna have less time to save it. Hang up. Hanna: Okay. (to Charlie) Okay, they're telling me I have to go. [Whimpering, she hands the phone back to House, who flips it closed] House: That was stupid of me. [House puts the phone back in his jacket pocket. He then ducks under the low ceiling beam and settles himself back against the concrete wall] Hanna: It was nice. House: I don't see that as a contradiction. Hanna: He was already on his way. He was in Baltimore, and they all saw it on the news. How many people were hurt? House: What did I tell you about not raising your blood pressure? [The space appears to be secure. Wooden blocks support the beam. A crushed car is seen in the background. House rubs his right thigh] Hanna: Can I ask what's wrong with your leg? House: Crane fell on it. (Hanna laughs) Small world. Hanna: (smiling) You could have just said no. House: I'll remember that for my next human contact. Hanna: Would you pray with me? House: No. I'm not in the habit of encouraging my patients' superstitions. Hanna: How is that a habit? You plan on getting trapped under a building again? House: I don't believe in God. Hanna: I don't either. Please? [House clasps his hands together and closes his eyes in prayer. Hanna does the same. There is silence for a minute, then Hanna opens her eyes] Hanna: I always thought... If I did the right thing, if I treated people right, then good things would happen to me. You think that's how it works? House: I didn't use to. Then recently I tried... Now I don't know. [Scrabbling sounds are heard at the entrance to the tunnel. Captain McCreaney crawls through carrying some new equipment] Captain McCreaney: Good news. [Cut to PPTH where Taub and Thirteen are performing the X-ray venogram on Jay] Taub: Advancing catheter through interior jugular vein. You told House you were at therapy. Thirteen: Did you transcribe the entire meeting? Entering the cavernous sinus. Taub: Your therapy's on Thursdays. Thirteen: Got rescheduled. Injecting dye. Taub: Really? I'm not gonna rat you out. We're friends. I Just wanna make sure you're okay. Thirteen: (looking at the monitor) No filling defects. Don't worry. I'm okay. [Cut back to the underground parking garage. Captain McCreaney is preparing to use the airbags to lift the beam off of Hanna’s leg. House takes down the IV bag and lays in across Hanna’s stomach. House is wearing his leather jacket again] Hanna: (to House) You think we can be friends when I get outta here? House: Yeah. We'll catch a ball game or... group sex show or something. Captain McCreaney: (handing House a wedge of wood) Put the cribbing in there. [House shoves the wooden wedge under the beam next to Hanna’s leg, and gives the wedge on the other side of her leg an extra push also] House: Okay, now when the beam starts lifting, you're gonna feel pain. It's gonna be like your foot's gone to sleep times a billion. You'll notice that I'm waiting till now to tell you. Captain McCreaney: All right. We're ready. [Captain McCreaney turns on the air compressor] Captain McCreaney: Lifting. Hanna: I'm feeling the pain already. [House pushes the wooden wedge farther under the beam as it starts to lift] House: That's good. That means the pressure's coming off. Much closer to getting out of here. [The beam groans and rocks and dirt fall on top of them as the beam continues to lift] Hanna: Aah! [The building creaks as House and Captain McCreaney move up by Hanna’s head and shoulders] House: Come on. Pull her out. [They tug at Hanna from her shoulders, but the creaking and groaning is getting louder] House: Come on! Hanna: It's moving! [Rumbling, creaking] Captain McCreaney: Pull! Hanna: Aahhh! [Something gives way and falls, and they are all showered with dirt and rubble. The scene stops] [Cut to shortly after the collapse. They are all covered in rubble. Lying on his back, House opens his eyes. Captain McCreaney coughs and switches on his helmet light. House coughs also and pulls himself out of the rubble] House: Hanna! Hanna! What the hell happened? [The only light is the one on Captain McCreaney’s helmet. The ceiling is now considerably lower than before. House belly crawls closer to Hanna and the captain] Captain McCreaney: I think the adjacent beam snapped during the lift. (He calls for help on his radio) Mayday, mayday, mayday! We had a secondary collapse. We're all right. How are you guys? Radio Answer: Rescue one, copy the mayday. Main tunnel is fine. Rescue's on the way. [The light shows that a large piece of concrete has fallen on top of Hanna’s midsection] Captain McCreaney: Lift this up. House: One, two, three— [Groaning, they manage to lift the concrete off of Hanna. Her breathing is fast and shallow. House puts his ear to her mouth] House: Kit. Gimme the kit. Captain McCreaney: All right. [Captain McCreaney drags a duffle bag toward House] House: No breath sounds on the left side. Tension pneumothorax. Okay, Hanna. One of your lungs is collapsed. I'm gonna have to reinflate it, okay? [Ripping the syringe packaging open with his teeth, House performs a needle thoracostomy to reinflate Hanna’s lung] Hanna: Uh...(coughs) [Hanna is still wheezing, but her breathing sounds better than before] Captain McCreaney: (to House) Hey. You better get back up top and make sure you didn't nick an artery. [House puts his hand to his neck and pulls it back to find blood on his fingers. He has also sustained a scratch on the right side of his nose] House: (holding Hanna’s hand for a second) I'm gonna have to go. [House crawls toward the tunnel entrance] Captain McCreaney: (to Hanna) It's okay. You're all right. [Cut to the surface. House is sitting just inside a building entrance. Cuddy is attending to the wound on his neck. He has a long scratch on his nose also. Helicopters are still flying around overhead and many, many rescue workers are still on the scene] Cuddy: (bandaging his shoulder) You're lucky this isn't worse. [House finishes the water in a plastic bottle and tosses it aside. He rubs his bad leg] House: You know who's even luckier? You and just about every other human being (His cell phone rings) who wasn't down there. House: (answering the phone) What did the venogram say? [The entire team is gathered in the diagnostics conference room] Thirteen: Clean. Now the guy's starting to spike a fever. Taub: Subarachnoid bleed. Foreman: Meningitis? Chase: He didn't say his neck was sore. House: That's 'cause everything's sore. He just took a 15-story swan dive into concrete. Do an LP. Taub: We also have to consider other infections. House: So you're suggesting we do an LP. Taub: I guess I am. House: Genius. [He flips his phone closed as Captain McCreaney approaches. Cuddy is finished bandaging House’s shoulder. She takes off her gloves] Captain McCreaney: Hey, bad news. Because of the collapse, we can't try the airbag again until we get everything off the top. Be five, six hours at least. Cuddy: Then we have to amputate. House: No. Cuddy: It's been four hours already. It used to be a long sht. Now it's...crazy. House: Crush syndrome is basically a buildup of potassium. If we remove potassium— Cuddy: We're already treating with sodium bicarbonate. House: But not with glucose and Insulin. We have glucose in the kit. There's gotta be a diabetic here somewhere. Cuddy: You wanna dose the insulin here in a non-hospital setting? That is insane! It's not worth it. House: (still rubbing his leg) Really? 'Cause I think I'm the only one here who knows what a leg is worth. And fortunately, you're not the one in charge — he is. And he knows that I'd testify against him if Hanna sues for cutting off a leg without exhausting every option. Cuddy: (to the captain) Give us a minute? [The captain moves off and Cuddy turns back to House] Cuddy: I know you're angry, but please don't put her life at risk just to get back at me. House: Really? (standing up and towering over her) Wow. So this is all about you now. Cuddy: You took her side against me right after you heard about my engagement. House: Yeah. That must be it. It's not that you're a pathetic narcissist. Cuddy: I don't love you. So just... accept it and move on with your life instead of making everyone miserable. House: That's great. A life lesson from a middle-age single mom who's dating a man-child. Cuddy: Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. I'm sick of other people having to tiptoe around you and make their own lives worse while they try to keep you from collapsing. I'm done. (She walks away from him) House: (calling after her) Fantastic. Just stay away from my patient. Cuddy: (turning around and coming back toward him) What are you clinging to, House? You're gonna risk her life just to save her leg? Really worked out well for you, didn't it? What do you have in your life, honestly? Tell me. I'm moving on. Wilson is moving on. And you... You've got nothing, House, nothing. I'm going down there, and I'm gonna convince her to let me cut her leg off. If you have any decency left, you'll stay out of it. [Cut to Cuddy talking to Hanna] Hanna: No. Dr. House promised. Cuddy: If there was any other way... Hanna: It doesn't hurt right now. I can wait. [House crawls through the tunnel entrance] Hanna: (seeing him) Dr. House. Tell her. [Cuddy hangs her head, sure that she is going to get another argument from House. He crawls close to Hanna and speaks softly] House: Hanna... We have to amputate your leg. (Cuddy looks up at him, surprised) Hanna: No. You said... that there was time. House: There was. And it's run out. [Cuddy looks at him again, not believing that he is going to be sensible for once] Hanna: No. House: You asked me how I'd hurt my leg. I had a blood clot, and the muscle was dying. And I had all these doctors telling me I should amputate, and I said no, and they did this... very risky operation. I almost died. Hanna: (shivering) But you saved your leg. House: I wish I hadn't. [A tear runs down Cuddy’s check as House reveals his true feelings about what happened to his leg] House: They cut out a chunk of muscle about the size of my fist, and they left me with this, mutilated, useless thing. I'm in pain... Every day. It changed me. Made me a harder person, a worse person. And now... Now I'm alone. You don't want to be like me. You’ve got a husband who loves you. You have friends. You can start a family. You have a life. And this... This is just a leg. [Cuddy is still looking at House as he concentrates on Hanna, silently pleading with her to do what is necessary to save her life] Hanna: (after a lengthy pause) Okay. [The decision made, House looks somberly over at Cuddy] House: I got it. (He picks up the amputation kit, taking responsibility for the amputation upon himself) [Cut to shortly afterwards. New emergency lights illuminate the space and House and Hanna are alone as he prepares her for the amputation. House is wearing only his t-shirt] House: I can't put you out. It could depress your respiration too much. This should take away some of the pain. (He pushes a drug into her IV) Hanna: Will it be quick? House: I'll use a scalpel to slice through the skin, muscle, and fat. That should go pretty fast. Then I'll switch over to the electric saw when I get to the bone. It's two bones... About as thick as a broomstick. Takes about as long to get through. I'm gonna cut as close to the concrete, as I can, save as much of your limb as possible. Then the orthopedic surgeons back at the hospital will clean you up, have you fitted for a prosthetic. You'll be running circles around me in no time. [Hanna chuckles] Hanna: How bad will it hurt? House: Like nothing you've ever felt before. [Hanna holds out her hand, which he takes. Hanna then grasps both their hands with her other hand. Letting go of her hands, House takes a scalpel, a gauze pad, and the electric saw and, ducking under a low beam, moves down to where Hanna’s leg is trapped. House rips open the gauze pad, wipes her leg with it, and then, taking one last look at Hanna, uses the scalpel to cut deeply into her leg] Hanna: (eyes closed and groaning loudly) Aaaaah! [House tosses the scalpel onto some medical draping and picks up the saw. A group of rescue workers are watching from the tunnel opening, ready to take Hanna out when House is finished. House wriggles into a comfortable and sab position on his belly and turns on the saw to test that it is working properly. He positions the saw on her leg and begins to cut into the bone. Hanna screams, arching her back and pushing up on the ceiling beam with her hands] [Cut to aboveground, where Cuddy, Captain McCreaney, and more rescue workers stand waiting. They look at each other solemnly as Hanna’s wails of excruciating pain rise out of the underground tunnel] [Cut to Hanna being loaded onto a plastic stretcher. House, still in the tunnel, looks defeated. The emergency workers pull the stretcher out of the tunnel and then pick it up and move toward a waiting ambulance. A helicopter is whirring overhead, spotlighting the scene] [House limps out of the tunnel, putting on his jacket as he exits. His cane is left behind, hanging on the rebar near the tunnel entrance. The EMTs load Hanna onto a gurney as Cuddy motions to Hanna’s husband to come closer] Charlie: Hanna. Hanna: (smiling) Baby. I'm so sorry. Charlie: Shut up. Hanna: You always loved my legs. Charlie: I don't care about your legs. Baby, I love you. I love you. [Charlie leans down to kiss Hanna as the EMTs prepare to load her into the ambulance] Hanna: I love you. [House has come up to stand beside Cuddy. They glance at each other uncomfortably as Charlie and Hanna declare their love for each other] [House climbs into the ambulance after Hanna has been loaded. He turns and looks briefly at Cuddy, then closes the ambulance doors] [The ambulance leaves for the hospital and the siren wails as an EMT attends to Hanna. Charlie sits beside her and House sits on the bench at her feet. House’s cell phone rings. It’s Foreman. He and the rest of the team are gathered around Jay’s hospital bed. Jay’s wife is present also] House: (into the phone) What? Foreman: He's fallen into a coma. LP was clean, but... House: What are his vitals? Taub: Excuse me, officer. [A police officer moves aside so that Taub can see the monitor by Jay’s bed] House: What do you mean, officer? How long has there been a cop there? Thirteen: I don't know. Ten minutes. He was being questioned when he fell into the coma. House: Was anything else making him nervous or worried before his other symptoms? Taub: He was claustrophobic right before the bleed and before the fever. We told him that he probably did fall asleep. House: Was his BP spiking? Foreman: But that didn't cause his first symptom. House: Yeah, it did. All the caffeine. We thought the problem was in his toilet — by that, of course, I mean his head. Which distracted us from the fact that it could have been just a clog in his sewer pipe, and by that, of course, I mean his spinal cord. And blah, blah, blah, blah. You get the idea. Chase: An arachnoid cyst on his lower spine. That's why we missed it. He's been sitting ten hours a day. Spiked his spinal fluid pressure. House: Run a CT— [Hanna starts wheezing] EMT: (to House) BP's 72 over 42. [House disconnects his phone and moves quickly up beside Hanna] Charlie: Hanna? Hanna? EMT: Heart rate 148 Hanna: I can't breathe. I can't breathe. [Hanna is breathing too fast. House uses a stethoscope to listen to her lungs] House: Breath sounds bilaterally. It's not another pneumothorax. (He puts his hands on both sides of her neck and turns her head from side to side) Neck vein’s flat. There's no tamponade. (to himself) Damn it, I went in too high. (to Hanna) Hanna, you've got a clot in your lung. I'm gonna fix this. (to the EMT) IV streptokinase. [House pulls two syringes from a high shelf, and pops the caps off with his thumbs] Charlie: What's happening. What's going on? House: Her body won't get any oxygen unless we can bust the clot. This is a blood thinner. [House pushes the drug into Hanna’s IV line] Charlie: Is she gonna be all right? House: It's gonna make her bleed more. We'll take care of that next. [Hanna continues struggling to breath] House: It's not busting the clot. EMT: Maybe it's her heart. [House listens to Hanna’s chest with his stethoscope and then collapses onto the ambulance bench looking helpless] Charlie: What? House: It's not a clot. It's a fat embolism. From the amputation. [Hanna is looking at House beseechingly] Charlie: Okay. So–so what can we do? Come on. Do something. Please, please, do something. Come on, guys, do something. Come on. Come on. Please, come on, do something! (yelling) Come on, do something! Do something! [Hanna continues to look at House, who is completely devastated] [Cut to PPTH. Foreman races toward the ambulance bay as the ambulance backs in. He opens the doors, and finds House, Charlie and the EMT gathered around Hanna’s dad body] [Cut to a short time later. House is still sitting in the now dark and empty ambulance. Foreman stands outside] Foreman: There's no way to prevent a fat embolism. Even if you'd done this in an O.R., you couldn't have saved her. [House tosses the stethoscope aside and climbs out of the ambulance. His is holding his right thigh and limping heavily. Foreman follows him into the dark and empty hospital lobby] Foreman: You can't blame yourself for her death. This wasn't your fault. House: (turning toward Foreman and shouting) That's the point! I did everything right. She died anyway. Why the hell do you think that would make me feel any better? [House stumbles as he limps over to the reception desk, grabbing onto it for support] Foreman: You shouldn't be alone right now. You're bleeding. House: (standing up and sounding menacing) I'm gonna give you a task as an employee. Get out of my way. [Foreman stands aside and House limps wearily toward the hospital entrance] [Cut to House’s dark office at PPTH. Thirteen is standing by House’s desk. She lays an envelope on the desk and turns to leave as Taub enters from the conference room] Taub: What's that? Thirteen: I'm asking for some time off. Taub: What's wrong? [Thirteen looks at him knowingly, and he sighs] Taub: Are you okay? Thirteen: Obviously not. [Thirteen walks out of the office and the music swells dramatically] [Cut to House, just entering his apartment. He throws his keys down and limps down the hall and into his bathroom. Turning on the light, he stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He pulls down the neck of his t-shirt and glances briefly at the bloody bandage there, then puts both hands on the sides of the mirror and bows his head in pain, both physical and emotional. He looks into the mirror again and sees a dying Hanna staring back at him. The music stops. He jerks the mirror off the wall and throws it into the bathtub, where it breaks. Behind the mirror is a hole in the drywall, and in that hole, are two bottles of Vicodin. House takes the bottles out of the hole and sits down on the floor, leaning against the tub, and breathing heavily] [Shaking with pain, House stares at the bottles in his hands for quite a long time. He puts one bottle on the floor and clenches his fist around the other pill bottle, willing himself to resist. The music begins to build again as he struggles with the pain. He finally pops the lid off the bottle and spills two pills into his left hand. A figure appears in the doorway, and the music stops. House looks up to see Cuddy, still dressed in the pink scrubs she was wearing at the accident scene] House: (inhaling) You going to leap across the room and grab them out of my hand? Cuddy: No. It's your choice if you want to go back on drugs. House: Okay. Just so you know, I'm finding it hard to see the downside. [Cuddy comes into the bathroom and leans against the linen cabinet directly across from where House is sitting on the floor] Cuddy: You need to re-bandage your shoulder. House: Is that why you're here? Foreman sent you? Cuddy: No. House: You here to yell at me again? Cuddy: No. House: Well, I'm running out of ideas. Cuddy: Lucas... House: Oh, great. You're feeling uncomfortable again. Probably means you just got back from some quickie wedding in Vegas or you're already pregnant. Cuddy: I ended it. House: (shocked) What? Cuddy: I'm stuck, House. (sighing deeply) I keep wanting to move forward. I keep wanting to move on, and I can't. I mean, my new house, with my new fiancé, and all I can think about is you. (exhaling) I just need to know if you and I can work. House: You think I can fix myself? Cuddy: I don't know. House: 'Cause I'm the most screwed-up person in the world. Cuddy: I know. I love you. (pause) I wish I didn't. But I can't help it. [House pushes against the floor with his hands, and attempts to stand. Failing, he reaches a hand up to Cuddy, who pulls him to his feet. The camera focuses on Cuddy, who looks up as House enters the frame, standing just inches away from her. Soft music plays as House, very tentatively (as if he cannot believe it is real), and very gently, kisses Cuddy. He then stands up straight and looks at her] House: How do I know I'm not hallucinating? Cuddy: Did you take the Vicodin? [House and Cuddy both look at the pills still in the palm of his left hand] House: Nope. Cuddy: (smiling sweetly) Then I think we're okay. House: (also smiling sweetly, yes, sweetly) Yeah. [House drops the Vicodin tablets on the bathroom floor and turns back to Cuddy for another kiss. The last sh*t is of their intertwined hands as they kiss] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x22 - Help Me"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on moments from “Help Me.” In the ambulance, House checks on Hanna.) House : Damn it. I waited too long. Charlie : Please, come on, do something! Come on, do something! Do something! [Cut to the ambulance bay.] Foreman : You couldn't have saved her. [Cut to House’s bathroom. He stares at himself in the mirror then rips it off the wall and smashes it into the tub. He picks up the two bottles of Vicodin that were hidden behind the mirror.] Cuddy : [voice over] It's your choice if you wanna go back on drugs. [House sits on the bathroom floor, staring at the pills. He looks up as Cuddy enters.] House : You think I can fix myself? Cuddy : I just need to know if you and I can work. [He drops the pills. They stand together and clasp hands. Fade out.] [Fade in on the bedroom. They are still holding hands. Cuddy strokes the area between House’s left thumb and forefinger with her right thumb. She reaches up and takes his jacket off.] Cuddy : [softly] Let me see. [She peels the bandage off the wound on his neck.] It's okay. [He pulls his head away. She inhales sharply.] It's gonna get infected. [She puts the bandage back in place and leaves the room. House continues standing exactly where she left him, as if he’s suffering from shock. He looks at his left hand and flexes it as Cuddy returns with a bucket and a towel.] [Cuddy lifts the hem of House’s t-shirt and he raises his arms so she can undress him. She removes the bandage and wrings out a towel. She dabs the towel against his wound then wipes his chest and his left cheek with it. She puts down the towel and reaches for his waistband. House, who has been more completely passive than we’ve ever seen him, finally says something.] House : Hey, you're not gonna... [He closes his eyes, embarrassed.] You are. [She slides off his jeans, kneeling in the process. His scar is at her eye level. She strokes it. He is upset.] No. Don't, don't. Cuddy : It's okay. I love you. [She leans forward and kisses his scar. He turns his head away. She takes hold of his hands and he helps her up. They kiss, gently. House takes off her shirt. They continue to embrace and stroke each other. House picks her up and puts her on the bed, which, fortunately, is only inches away. He leans over her and they continue to kiss. He slides his hand down her thigh.] [Cut to Cuddy straddling House. His hands stroke her back.] [Cut to House on top with Cuddy’s arms around him as they kiss.] [Cut to morning. House lies on his back. His arm is wrapped around Cuddy, who is still asleep. She wakes up and rolls over to look at him.] House : So now what? [Opening credits] Cuddy : [curling back onto her side] Everything's good. We don't have to talk through it all. House : No, I meant it literally. Now what? We could make breakfast. We could go bowling. [He lifts the sheet, checks and drops it back in place.] We could stay here. [Cuddy rolls toward House, pulling the sheet up in the process. His arm is still around her and he lightly strokes her arm as they talk.] Cuddy : I have to go home and get dressed and go to work. House : So that's it? Cuddy : I'm hoping this is the beginning of it. House : [very quietly] Yeah. [A cell phone rings. Cuddy reaches over and picks it up. They both look at the caller ID.] Your assistant's new. It's a 50/50 chance he just... can't find the light switch. [He takes the phone from her and answers it.] Hello? Alex : Dr. Cuddy? House : No, this is Dr. Cuddy's nanny. She's, uh, feeling a little under the weather now, so she won't be coming in today. Alex : Oh. I hope she's all right. Would you mind asking her if— House : No. Can't do that. I'm afraid she's locked in the bathroom. Terrible bug going around. What's the problem? Alex : Well, I'm sorry to disturb her, but it's Dr. Richardson. He must have the same stomach flu. He threw up in the O.R., and I'm not sure how she'd want me to— House : Hold on a second. [He pulls the phone away from his ear and holds it on his chest for a literal second before resuming the conversation] I've talked to Dr. Cuddy, and she would like you to do three things : One — send him home, two — sterilize the O.R., three — use your own brain. See ya. [to Cuddy] It's about puke. That's what's so important. Puke. Cuddy : Well, I guess I don't have to rush back in. But whatever "now what" we do decide on... It comes after you take a bath. [Cut to Diagnostics conference room] Taub : Here's one. 25-year-old man with numbness and tingling in his legs and a speech disorder, three— " Foreman : Anybody see House? Taub : It's 10 :00 A.M. I'd be worried if he was here. This 25-year-old— Foreman : He was in pretty bad shape yesterday after his patient died. Chase : House has lost patients before. We all have. He's a big boy. Foreman : You didn't see him. Thirteen : Best thing we can do for him now is find him a new puzzle to solve. Taub : Thus bringing us back to my 25-year-old— Chase : Yet you're the only person here without a potential case in front of you. Thirteen : I haven't found the right one yet. Chase : Oh. I–I thought maybe it was because you were asking for a leave of absence and wouldn't have time to see a case through. Taub : I didn't say anything. Chase : He didn't...I saw an envelope on House's desk with your name on it, so naturally, I... steamed it open. Foreman : What's wrong with you? You steam an envelope to keep it secret. Foreman : Which is why I just ripped it. You gonna tell us where you're going? Thirteen : [smiles, exhales sharply] Sure sounds like a no. [Cut to House’s bathroom. House and Cuddy are on their knees next to the tub. They’re putting pieces of the broken into a trashcan. He’s wearing a belted robe of striped pajama material. Cuddy is in a dark t-shirt.] Cuddy : There's glass everywhere. Couldn't you have just put the mirror down nice and gentle? House : I was in a mood. [Cuddy sees the two bottles of Vicodin. The phone rings in the other room. She grabs the pills and jumps up.] Cuddy : I'll be right back. House : Don't get that. Cuddy : It could be important. House : This is important. [She looks exasperated.] Right now, we are more important than what's going on at the hospital. So...I say we turn off our phones and... give the morning to us. [He looks at her hopefully. She chews her lip for a second.] Cuddy : Okay. I'll go turn it off. House : Thank you. [She leaves. When she comes back, she sits on the edge of the tub. Her hands are empty.] You're distracted. Cuddy : I'm not. House : Yeah, you are. You turned off your phone but you're still wondering, "What could it have been? What emergency will bring down the entire hospital if I decide to take the morning off?" Cuddy : I'm sorry. The clinic is facing reduced funding from the state. Nurse Jeffrey is filing his 12th H.R. complaint. Richardson is thrat to quit because he's basically been a prisoner at the hospital for almost a week. House : Richardson? Cuddy : The neurosurgeon. He's the only one I have right now, which means he has to stay on the premises at all times, or else the hospital technically isn't a level one trauma center. House : Which means? Cuddy : I'd have to shut down the E.R., transfer all of the patients out of the ICU... House : [gets up] Okay, stop. Turn around. Cuddy : Why? House : Because you need to relax. [He rubs her shoulders and moves her toward the door to the living room.] Cuddy : Where are we going? [He nudges her out of the room and starts to close the bathroom door on her.] House : I am going to make you a magical bath. It will have bubbles and eastern spices and blue diamonds and green clovers... transformative powers. But… I must have solitude to focus my creative energies. [He closes the door as she smiles at him. He turns on the tub and leans into the bedroom. He picks up his cell phone.] [Intercut between House and Chase. Chase is sitting at the conference table. His cell phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket and answers it.] Chase : Hello? House : Interesting factoid. Did you know that if we don't have a neurosurgeon on the premises, all the puppies in the world will choke to death on all the babies? Chase : Yeah. You got a note from Thirteen. House : So how come we don't have, like, five neurosurgeons? [House pulls a bottle of Old Spice aftershave off a shelf and empties it into the tub.] Chase : Well, we had three, but Kapur retired, and then Nichols just took off for his daughter's wedding. House : I've got good news. For the next 16 hours, you are the new neurosurgeon. [He adds the contents of a green glass bottle.] Chase : [scoffing] I'm not a neurosurgeon. [A large bottle of Cool Mint Listerine becomes part of the transformative bath.] House : Which would matter if you actually had to do some neurosurgery. Chase : House, it's a hospital. The odds of having to do neurosurgery are higher than in most places. [House shakes a carton of Epsom Salts into the tub.] House : If an EMT calls in with a brain or spinal trauma, just divert them to the nearest hospital. All you gotta do is stand around and keep the E.R. open. It's an administrative problem, not a medical one. Chase : House, where the hell are you? House : Great. Glad you're on it. [hangs up and calls to Cuddy] All systems go! [Cut to doctors’ lounge. Thirteen is playing pool by herself. Foreman enters.] Foreman : Why are you going to Rome? I found the flight information in your locker. Thirteen : I love how everyone thinks it's so quaint and childlike of me to expect a modicum of privacy around here. Foreman : Your flight's tomorrow. What's so urgent in Rome? Thirteen : I hear they want to tear down the Coliseum to build a karaoke bar. Foreman : The Buona Speranza Medical Center in Rome is doing a Huntington's trial. Thirteen : Seriously, I live to sing. Foreman : I know that they've been doing fetal neural transplantation. I also know that their subjects have increased risk of intracranial hemorrhage. This isn't the time to join a trial. This research is in its infancy. So's your condition. Thirteen : [stops playing and faces him down] You read my note. You go through my locker. And then you decide you want to round it off by lecturing me on my life choices? Foreman : I'm worried about you. Thirteen : Oh. Well, that makes it all right then. [She tosses the cue on the table and leaves.] [Cut to the bathroom. House and Cuddy are in the bath. His arms are wrapped around her and their fingers are interlaced.] House : So what, exactly, is this? It can still be open and casual and fun if you want. Cuddy : Open? [She looks up at him.] You think I want to see other people? House : Well, last night was emotional for you. [He kisses the top of her head.] We both lost that patient. We watched people die. I came back here and I went for the Vicodin, and you... dumped your fiancé and you came here. Cuddy : Which I don't regret. House : I'm not saying you do. I'm just saying it was an impulsive move. Cuddy : Don't do this. Why do you have to analyze things to death? Why can't you just... let it be nice? House : [deep breath] You're right. [He squeezes his eyes shut.] That was very anti-secret bath. [They lie there, comfortably, for a few moments.] Cuddy : House. House : Yeah. Cuddy : The secret bath is... burning my lady parts. House : How do you think my [whispers] anus feels? Burning means it's working. Cuddy : Can we get out now? House : I was so waiting for you to say that. [They start to stand up.] [Cut to Cuddy’s outer office. Alex is on the phone with a headset on. Chase and Foreman enter.] Alex : Could I speak to Dr. Jankowski? No. I don't need to disturb him in Bermuda. Foreman : Everything okay? Alex : Dr. Cuddy's phone keeps going directly to voicemail, and I need to get a neurosurgeon to replace Dr. Richardson for the day or else she's screwed. Chase : I'm a neurosurgeon. Alex : [takes out earpiece and stares levelly at Chase] No. You're not. Chase : I've cut into people's heads more often— Alex : You did a residency in neurosurgery at the University of Melbourne, but you were never board-certified. Foreman : You've worked here two days. How— Alex : Dr. Cuddy's first assignment was for me to get to know everything about Dr. House's team... and not to believe anything any of them told me. Chase : I'm... not a neurosurgeon? [He sounds really puzzled as if it’s news to him. Alex shakes his head.] [Cut to a small tray holding an upside down stainless mixing bowl, which House removes to reveal a small bowl of cereal and milk and a small plate with what might be bacon.] House : And...voila! For the first course, I flaked some tender young ears of corn on the side of assorted exotic breakfast meats in a chili sauce reduction. [Cuddy is curled up on the couch wearing a plain, dark t-shirt that’s hanging off her. House is dressed in jeans and a dark t-shirt. They’re both barefoot and dry.] Cuddy : And the... second course? House : [sitting] A single grape. To cleanse the palate. Which is kind of a waste, 'cause there is no third course. Cuddy : I'm glad we stayed in. This is actually... pretty good. House : I can always tell when you lie. I mean always. Cuddy : I slept with my freshman roommate. House : A lie. Cuddy : A truth. House : You have a tell. Cuddy : What is it? House : First admit that you were lying. Cuddy : Fine. I was lying. My sexual history is boring and predictable. What is my tell? House : Are you kidding? If I tell you your tell, you'll get rid of it, then I won't be able to tell. Cuddy : Well, then you have to tell me something I don't already know about you. House : Even though, technically, you didn't tell me something that I didn't already know about you. Cuddy : Quit being so damn logical and just tell me. [He takes a deep breath and thinks for a second.] House : I used to have an intimate relationship with a photograph of you. Well, actually, a sock and a photograph. Cuddy : I know. House : I was lying. Cuddy : The photo you took of me as Sleeping Beauty on Halloween. Why else would you take that picture? House : I have to pee. [He gets up, holding his leg, and starts for the bathroom.] Ha! You can tell. 'Cause actually, I have to poo. [Intercut between the bathroom and a hall at PPTH. House takes his phone, which must be on vibrate, out of his pocket.] House : [whispers] What? Chase : Cuddy's assistant decided to use his own brain. Who put that idiot idea into his head? House : Perhaps you could follow the same advice. Chase : He notified DPH that there's no neurosurgeon on the premises. Said he legally had to, which he legally had to. House : Sounds like you got the situation under control. Chase : No. I don't. You know I don't. When DPH shows up, they're gonna shut down our E.R. This can't be fixed. It is what it is, House. House : Great. I've got every faith in your ability to solve the problem. [He hangs up and heads for the door then turns back, flushes and leaves.] [Cut to Diagnostics conference room.] Thirteen : I have called every neurosurgeon within a 45-mile radius — nothing. Chase : Maybe House is just testing us. Taub : He's always testing us. Foreman : Test or not, it's a problem. Chase : It's not our problem. Why the hell is it House's problem? Foreman : Where the hell is Cuddy? We either report this, and half the hospital gets shut down, or we cover it up and run the risk that the entire hospital gets shut down. Thirteen : Or we get Richardson. Foreman : He's sick. Thirteen : And we're doctors. We get people better. [She leaves.] Taub : Fing Fong Fooey? [The guys get together and pump their fists a couple of times. Then they each stick out a number of fingers.] Chase : Tchuh. [Apparently he lost. He follows Thirteen.] [Cut to House’s living room. Cuddy is wearing the robe House was wearing earlier. She has her hands over her eyes.] Cuddy : Can I open them yet? House : Just a second. [A few heavy steps are heard.] Okay. Hold out your hand. [She puts out her right hand and keeps her eyes closed. Something made of steel and yellow metal is placed in her hand. There’s a whoosh as House pulls the sword out of the scabbard she’s holding. He’s wearing the pajama bottoms and a blue, button down shirt. He has a white towel draped over his shoulder.] Cuddy : Oh... House : [produces a bottle of champagne from behind his back] I always wanted to open a bottle of champagne with one of these things. You might wanna stand behind me for this. [She puts down the scabbard and gets directly behind him, peering over his shoulder.] House : Okay... [He slices the sword up the bottle and shatters it.] Yeah! [He and Cuddy are both laughing.] Mm, I think I might have... got that slightly wrong. Well, good thing I got a case. [There is pounding on the front door.] Wilson : [from the hallway] House, open up. We need to talk. [House looks down, upset.] Cuddy : [quietly] Just let him in. House : No. Wilson : [pounding again] House! House : If we just ignore him, he'll go away. Wilson : [more pounding] House! [Cut to House and Cuddy on the couch.] House : [whispering] I think he finally left. But just in case he hasn't, what can we do that does not involve talking? [She smiles and they lean in for a kiss. There’s a clanging noise. House’s phone, which is in the ice bucket, rings. He grabs it.] You turned on my ringer! Wilson : [voice] I know you're in there. I can hear your cell phone ringing. Cuddy : Just let him in. House : No! He's like a stray... he'll eat everything, shed all over the place, and crap on the floor. [answering the phone] Hi. This is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine, not suicidal, not on drugs, coping very well with the loss of my last patient. So feel free to go about your day without worry. Beep! Wilson : House. You can't just not show up to work. What's Cuddy gonna say? House : If this is still Wilson... she gave me the day off. And tomorrow. [Cuddy gives him a look.] Okay, maybe not tomorrow. But today. I'm fine. Now, go away. [pause] Beep! Wilson : If you're not in tomorrow, I'll be back. [House closes the phone and drops it. He looks at Cuddy and leans toward her. He puts his hand on her hip. Her hand is on the back of his neck. They kiss.] [Cut to Richardson’s bathroom. He’s on the floor, wrapped around the toilet, looking like someone dug him up for the occasion. Thirteen and Chase stand in the doorway.] Thirteen : Look, you're the only neurosurgeon we've got. You have to suck it up and go back to the hospital. Chase : We're not asking you to operate, just to be there. Richardson : Unless you can transport this t–toilet with me, I'm not leaving the room. Chase : I'll get a bucket. Richardson : You're missing the point. I ate bad sushi. I'm sick. Go away. Chase : We can give you promethazine for the nausea. Richardson : Already took it. And trimethobenzamide. Thirteen : [quietly, to Chase] Maybe this isn't food poisoning. Chase : Whatever it is, it must have damaged the lining of his stomach. Till that heals, nothing's gonna work. Thirteen : So we need to treat both that and the nausea. Chase : And whatever's wrong with him. Thirteen : We give him ondansetron and prostaglandins. Chase : And whatever's wrong with him. Neither of those will treat any possible underlying condition. Thirteen : Who cares? He's not our patient. The hospital is. Richardson : I can... hear you. Thirteen : [crouching next to Richardson] You're pretty miserable, aren't you? Would you be willing to take a... fairly risky drug if it would make it all go away? [Cut to House’s bedroom. Cuddy, naked and sweaty, flops onto the bed with House right behind her. He lands partially on top of her. They’re both breathing heavily.] Cuddy : Why didn't you let him in? House : You were thinking about Wilson while we were having sex? That's so cool! So was I. Cuddy : You were hiding me from him. Why? House : I was not hiding you. I was protecting your privacy. Wasn't sure if you were ready to go public with the whole... "us" thing yet. Cuddy : Why would I be doing all this if I wanted it to be private? [She sigh as she reaches down and picks up his blue, button down shirt. He strokes her back.] Oh. I never even asked. [rolling over with the shirt over her chest] Maybe you're not ready yet. [Cut to Richardson’s bedroom. Chase and Thirteen are playing chess.] Chase : Have you read the list of side effects on those drugs? We could crash his BP. Thirteen : I haven't heard a thump, so I assume he's still quietly puking. Chase : We could be making him worse. Thirteen : Bigger picture — we're making the hospital better. We can test for whatever you want to test him for once he's sab enough to get back to the hospital. Now, stop being a girl and move. [pause] So you gonna ask me about this Huntington's trial, and by ask, I mean give me your opinion? Chase : No. There is one thing, though. Will you have sex with me? Thirteen : What? Chase : Well, this trial means you're leaving right away. I was playing a long game. Deadlines have been moved up. [The bathroom door opens. Richardson is standing, in pants and a t-shirt.] Richardson : Wow. That stuff is good. Thirteen : Think you can make it back to the hospital? Richardson : Uh-huh. That lamp is shiny. I mean, the way it shines is... shiny. Chase : I take it this is one of the side effects of the drugs. Thirteen : Who cares? Let's go. [Cut to the bedroom. Cuddy is sitting on the far side of the bed, putting on the blue, dress shirt. House enters with a tripod. He’s wearing the robe.] Cuddy : What are you doing? House : You think I'm afraid to go public? I'm gonna prove you wrong. Cuddy With a tripod? House : With a sex tape. We'll send it to Wilson. It's a win-win. We get to do it again, and... he might actually learn something. [There’s a sound from the other room.] Cuddy : [whispers] It sounds like someone's trying to break in. [House sets the tripod aside and picks up the sword.] House It's probably nothing. Stay here. [Cut to the kitchen. Wilson is halfway through the window, which has closed on his back. His top half is on a trolley. He is reaching behind himself, trying to push the window up. He stops when a sword comes to rest against his jawline.] Wilson : Hey. House : Stuck? Bummer. Looks painful. [He lowers the sword then uses it to scoop the tea kettle from the stove.] Chamomile or English breakfast? Wilson : Would you stop being an ass and pull me out of here? House : [fills the kettle] You didn't get my message earlier? Wilson : Yeah. But as someone once told me, everybody lies. House : [puts the kettle on the stove] I'm fine. Just staying home, chill-laxin'. Wilson : Your patient died, you ignore my calls, and you won't open the door. I don't think you're fine. I think you might be throwing away a drug-free year. House : Or... I'm ignoring you for a different reason. [confidentially] Sex with my girlfriend. Wilson : Hmm. [pushes at the window again] Will you please just — please let me in? [House slides the window up then wheels the trolley – and Wilson – into the kitchen. After a moment, Wilson lowers his feet from the window sill and stands.] Thank you. And since when did you start referring to hookers as girlfriends? House : She's not a hooker. Wilson : [looking around] What are — wha — really? House : Begins with "C", ends with “uddy.” Wilson : [huge sigh] How many Vicodin have you taken? House : I'm serious. Cuddy and I are now Cuddy and I. There's an "I" in Cuddy. Wilson : House... it's okay. Almost all addicts relapse a few times. House : [gesturing for Wilson to follow him] She's in my bedroom. Wilson : You're hallucinating, House. House : [calling as they walk down the hall] Honey buns! We got company. [Cut to the bedroom. The tripod is there. Cuddy isn’t. House sighs and looks at Wilson who is in his lecture posture with his hands on his hips.] [Cut to the kitchen. House sits on the butcher block island, dangling his bare legs and feet. Wilson checks his eyes with a pen light.] Wilson : Pupils are normal. Pulse is normal. House : Better than that. They're both totally awesome. I'm not on drugs. Wilson : So... why did you lie about Cuddy? House : To make a point. Probably something to do with shutting you up. It's my go-to idea. Wilson : You do seem okay. You want me to stick around? I could do my usual thing of pretending I like watching monster truck rallies, if that would make you feel better. House : No. You go. Wilson : House... you could have died. You had a patient who did die in your arms. You shouldn't be alone. House : I know. That's why I called a hooker. [hops down and escorts Wilson to the living room] Now, go away. 'Cause... you'll be extra. Wilson : Are you really okay? House : Are you gonna break in again? You checked my pulse. You checked my pupils. I'll mail you the urine sample. [Wilson leaves. Sound of the front door closing.] [Cut to Cuddy sitting in the dark. Sound of a door opening. House steps back to inspect Cuddy who is hiding in his wardrobe. She looks embarrassed.] [Cut to an exam room. Richardson lies on the table. Alex watches as Thirteen and Taub check him over.] Richardson : How come I've never even m–met you guys? Y–you're like the greatest... guys. [looks at the overhead light fixture] You know fluorescent lights flicker at the same frequency as the human brain? Taub : You know the human brain doesn't flicker? Alex : Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that he can't perform brain surgery. What's wrong with him? Taub : High... blood sugar. [Thirteen nods.] He'll be fine as soon as we rehydrate him. Richardson : That's a relief. Alex : [checks his watch] Thank God. DPH guy will be here in 20 minutes. [Taub watches him leave and turns back to Thirteen.] Taub : What is wrong with him? Richardson : High blood sugar. You just said so. Thirteen : Chase is running labs. Right now the top two contenders are hepatitis and peptic ulcer disease. Taub : So... is today really your last day? Thirteen : Flying out tomorrow. Taub : How long a leave are you taking? Thirteen : Depends. Taub : On the drug trial. Sounds risky. Thirteen : Yadda, yadda. You don't think I should do it. Message heard. Taub : No. I approve. Living fast and dying young is crap. If you have a chance to get better... I say good for you. [She smiles.] [Cut to House’s bedroom. House is sitting at the desk. Cuddy is standing, facing him. At some point she donned the pajama pants to go with House’s dress shirt. He’s upset.] House : I brought Wilson in here specifically to go public, just like you requested. Cuddy : I pressured you. Wilson coming through the window pressured you. If you're forced into this, it's not gonna work. [long pause] Do you have any response to that? [House moves some things on his desktop and picks up a nice, wood Boggle board.] House : Game on. [Cut to Chase and Alex walking down the hall. Malkin, the DPH guy is a few feet behind them.] Alex : Is he better? Chase : Yep. Alex : You're lying to me again, aren't you? Chase : Yep. Alex : Then we're screwed. Don't we have to tell— [They reach a double door with windows and stop.] Chase : Oh! Damn. [turns to Malkin] Dr. Richardson's prepping for surgery. Malkin : Yeah. I need to talk to him. Chase : He's prepping for surgery. Malkin : So you said. I just need to confirm he is who you say he is and that he's a licensed neurosurgeon. Chase : Well, here's his paperwork. [Malkin puts on his glasses to inspect the papers on the clipboard Chase hands him.] His hospital I.D.'s right there. You can... see it's him. Malkin : Yeah. I should still talk to him. Chase : They've already scrubbed. He'd have to be re-sterilized. The patient's anesthesia would have to be adjusted. Malkin : [takes off his glasses. to Alex] Why did you report he wasn't here? Alex : I must have... misunderstood. [Malkin hands Chase the clipboard and turns to leave. Inside the OR, Taub runs toward the door. The door burst open. Richardson comes out, followed by Taub and Foreman.] Richardson : Oh... why... why... why is it so... so hot in there? Oh! [He pulls off his mask, followed by the shirt of his scrubs. Malkin stares.] Ahh. [Richardson turns, untying his pants as he leaves.] La-dee-dah. Woodstock, baby. [Richardson waddles away wearing a surgical mask around his neck, baggy white underpants and his scrub pants around his ankles. He turns back once to flash a peace sign, stumbling slightly.] Malkin : Is he stoned? Chase : No. We're pretty sure he's got— Malkin : Oh, I'm sure you have an explanation, but I don't care. See, you need to have a doctor on the premises who can actually do neurosurgery. Tell the attending to divert all ambulances away and start calling other hospitals and see who can take your s*ab ICU patients. Those departments are shutting down. [Cut to House’s living room. He’s on the couch, Cuddy sits on the floor, facing him. The coffee table is between them. They’re checking off words from a game of Boggle.] Cuddy : "Design" for five points. House : Got it. Cuddy : "Hear." House : Got it. Both versions. Cuddy : "Love." [pause. He looks up.] You didn't see love. House : Wow. I didn't think you'd take my lack of board game skills so personally. Cuddy : Why didn't you tell me you loved me? House : Didn't a wise woman once say — and by once, I mean two hours ago — "why do you have to analyze everything to death? Why can't this just be nice?" Cuddy : [puts down her pad] I told you I loved you. You didn't tell me you loved me back. You don't think that should give me cause for concern? House : No. 'Cause words don't matter. Actions matter. Cuddy : You're really gonna take a stand here. You can't say— House : Nope. Cuddy : Why? House : Because... I forgot to grab a "v." [He lays a strip of Boggle cubes on the table. It says ILOBEYOU.] Cuddy : Lobe. Gets you one point. One. [Cut to an ICU at the hospital. Malkin observes as patients are being moved.] [Cut to Diagnostics conference room. It’s night and the blinds to the hallway are drawn. Richardson sits against the wall. There’s a lamp on next to him. Taub and Thirteen are at the table. Foreman, unseen, is at his usual place at the far end. Chase enters.] Chase : Labs show he's negative for everything. Taub : I'm guessing at least one of them is wrong. Thirteen : Who cares? The E.R. and the ICU are half-empty and the place is crawling with suits. It's over. Chase : You do know we still have a sick patient here. Right? He's the guy sitting right behind you, taking off his clothes again. Taub : [running over to Richardson] Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, why don't you just sit down and take it easy? Chase : He should be coming down by now. Richardson : And yet... I'm not. [He’s happy. Taub eases him back into his chair.] Foreman : What if his behavior isn't a side effect of the ondansetron? What if it's a symptom? Chase : Thank you. What causes delirium and nausea? Taub : He's been stuck here in the hospital a few days. Nobody else is sick, so it can't be environmental. Richardson : [undoing his shirt cuffs] Not exactly stuck. I snuck out. [They all stare at him.] Freedom is my birthright. Foreman : Where did you go? Richardson : The Seafood Festival at the Convention Center. Thirteen : We're screwed. Seafood Festival has stuff from all around the world in combinations nobody ever thought of. We could be here all year. Chase : [leaning in close] You had shrimp? Richardson : Uh-huh. Chase : And crab? Lobster? Richardson : Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Chase : And... Richardson : I ate whatever looked good. Thirteen : [has an idea] Did you eat any roe? Little tiny eggs? Richardson : Nummy! Thirteen : Toad eggs will cause nausea, and they can get you high. If I'm right, the antidote is fast-acting. [Richardson is smiling and unbuttoning his shirt.] If we can get him to keep his clothes on long enough, he can pass as a functioning neurosurgeon. [Cut to Houses bed. House is wearing a 17” Macbook Pro. Cuddy, lying on her stomach, is wearing less, but she does have a sheet pulled up to her waist. Cuddy : Um... France. And not Paris or the Rivera, but there's this place in Normandy. It's on a... a tidal island. Everyone who's not staying in one of the small inns has to leave before the tide comes in. You have this 900-year-old fortress all to yourself. It's called... House : Mont Saint-Michel? Cuddy : That's it. Have you been there? House : Nope. But I got a pretty good idea what it looks like. [He turns the computer toward her, taps a button and the screen is filled with a picture of Mont Saint-Michel.] Cuddy : H–how did you know? House : You used to have a picture of it as a screensaver. Cuddy : That was years ago. House : I guess it's a memorable place. [turns the computer toward himself again] Now, unfortunately, we can't fly straight to Normandy, but the layover in London's only a couple of hours. Cuddy : What are you talking about? House : It's all there. [shows her a screen of travel information] All you gotta do is click confirm, and we're eating croissant and being insulted by stinky people this time tomorrow. Don't worry. I used Wilson's credit card. Cuddy : I can't. House : I'm kidding. I used your credit card. Cuddy : House... House : The hospital does not need your body. I do. Cuddy : So does my daughter. House : Well, she can come too. Or to grandmother's house she can go. Cuddy : This is crazy. House : [His face starts to get the closed, guarded look it usually has.] So...you break off your engagement, but you won't adjust your schedule. Cuddy : I can't. Not... tomorrow. But... two weekends from now. If Rachel's gonna stay with my mom, I'm gonna need a little bit of prep time. House : [His face softens and he smiles slightly.] Okay. [Cut to patient room. Foreman closes a curtain. Richardson is on the bed. Thirteen is adding something to his IV.] Richardson : What if it doesn't work? What if I stay this way forever? Thirteen : The antidote works quickly. If we're right, you should be back to your old self in no time. Richardson : My old self was boring. Can't we keep the new self? Thirteen : Just lay down, and stop unbuttoning. Foreman : I'm sorry that I read your note and looked in your locker. Thirteen : You get used to that kind of thing around here. Foreman : Do you have anyone going with you to Rome? Thirteen : Is that your passive-aggressive way of asking me if I'm seeing somebody else? Foreman : I hope you are. I mean... I hope you have someone with you. If I'm scared about this, I can't imagine how you must feel. You shouldn't be alone. If you want... I could fly over for a few days. Friends. Thirteen : I appreciate that, but I think I'll be okay. I guess we took the long way around to being friends, huh? [They reach across the bed and clasp hands.] Richardson : I guess we all did. [He puts his hand on theirs.] [Cut to House’s living room. House is in khakis and a t-shirt. Cuddy is back in her pink scrubs. She stands on her toes to kiss him gently.] Cuddy : Thank you. For everything. House : You're welcome. For everything. Cuddy : I'll see you tomorrow. [She goes to the door. He hasn’t moved. His head hangs a bit.] I really do have to leave. House : [nods, quietly] I know. Cuddy : What's the problem? House : This isn't gonna work. [She stares at him.] Cuddy : That's it? You can't just... say that and shut up. House : It's just a statement of fact. It's not a debatable proposition. Cuddy : Right. Because you can see the future. House : No. But I can see the past. And you're gonna remember all the horrible things I've done, and you're gonna try to convince yourself that I've changed. And I'm gonna start doing those horrible things again, because I haven't changed. Then you'll realize that... I'm an insane choice for someone who has a kid. And from there, it's a short step to the inevitable conclusion that all of this... was a mistake. Tell me any of that isn't true. [Cuddy thinks, and swallows hard.] [Cut to the ICU. Alex approaches Malkin.] Alex : Mercy doesn't have enough room in their ICU to handle the overflow, so— Chase : Don't worry about it. [He, Richardson and Thirteen stride up. Richardson is wearing a suit and tie.] I believe you wanted to talk to Dr. Richardson, our neurosurgeon? Richardson : I'm sorry that we met under such trying circumstances. I hope you restore our rating as a level one Trauma Center and reopen the E.R. and the ICU immediately. Thirteen : An accidental case of poisoning. Dr. Richardson has been treated and is ready to resume work. Malkin : Hmm. Touch your nose with your index finger and tell me how you treat a cerebral contusion. Richardson : [doing it with each hand in turn] Uh, I–I–I would watch for edema and transtentorial herniation. Malkin : Good enough. Turn it around. [He heads in one direction, the team, Alex and Richardson in the other.] Chase : [to Alex] You're gonna be up late. Next time... [whispers] Avoid responsibility. [to Thirteen] Cake? Taub thought we should have a little party to see you off properly. He gets sentimental about these things. Thirteen : I never should have flashed him. Chase : Speaking of which... Earlier today I asked you about... having sex. You gave me a look that almost certainly could only mean no. However, on the other hand, I'd be remiss if I... didn't follow up and confirm. See? It's the same look. So if it didn't mean no the first time, then... Thirteen : No. No. No, no. No. Chase : [smiling] Okay. No pressure. Thirteen : Does that method ever work? Chase : At least once. [She smiles and hugs him tightly.] Mm, I'm, um... Getting mixed signals. Thirteen : See you at the cake. [She hurries off.] [Cut to House’s living room. He and Cuddy are sitting on the couch. She looks frustrated, he looks miserable.] Cuddy : The only time you're afraid is when you're happy. You just don't expect it to last. House : 'Cause it doesn't. Cuddy : You don't know that. House : I've done horrible things to you. And I'll do horrible things again to you. But because of one stupid moment with a dying girl and a pile of rubble... you think I can change. Tell me where I'm wrong. Cuddy : I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always gonna be screwed up. But you're the most incredible man I've ever known. [near tears] You are always gonna be... the most incredible man I have ever known. So unless you're breaking up with me, I am going home now. [She takes his hand, leans in and kisses him then gets up to leave. He holds onto her hand and looks up at her.] House : [quietly, sincerely] I love you. [Good Days by Joe Purdy starts playing in the background. Cuddy smiles down at House.] ♪♫ Oh, yeah, and later on we took a southbound train [Cut to the conference room. Foreman sits, alone, with a cake that’s inscribed “Happy Bar Mitzvah Ephraim.”] ♪♫ Yeah, and it was cold out ♪♫ Yeah, it was freezing down rain ♪♫ Yeah, and it'll let up if we all screamed for the change [Chase and Taub enter.] Taub : [looking around] Where's Thirteen? Foreman : I don't think she's coming. Chase : What's going on? Foreman : She's not going to Rome. Taub : You mean she changed her mind? Foreman : I called the hospital in Rome to see when she was schedule for surgery. Chase : Why would you— Foreman : Doesn't matter. Point is, she's not even in the trial. Never heard of her. She's been lying to us all day. Chase : Well, have you tried— Foreman : Both her phone lines have been disconnected. She's just gone. ♪♫ No, no, just the good days ♪♫ Yeah, yeah, just the good days [Cut to House and Cuddy in the doorway to his apartment. They kiss. She lays her hands on his arms.] Cuddy : [smiling] It's gonna be great. House : [almost inaudible] Yeah. [He smiles as he closes the door.] ♪♫ Just the good days. [On opposite sides of the closed door, they each continue to smile for a moment. Then the smiles fade, replaced by contemplative, very worried looks.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x01 - Now What?"}	foreverdreaming
The scene opens in a skateboard park. A teenage girl (Della) is making an -expert- exhibition. As she rolls around, gaining speed, we get glimpses of kids in wheelchairs, a banner, and people cheering her from the balcony. It's a fundraiser. Announcer : Let's hear it for Della Carr. Boy in wheelchair : Dude, your sister kicks serious ass. Hugo : Competed in the boy's league this year. Kicked their asses too. (Della ends her round in front of the kids. Most of them are in wheelchairs, some have crutches). Hugo : Nice job, Del. You— Della : I went faster on the 50-50. You were right. All right, who wants a turn now? (All the boys lift their arm. She laughs, takes her helmet off and starts to push her brother's wheelchair). Yeah, yeah, I'm a little biased. (Della start running and pushing her brother's wheelchair on the skate park. The banner on the balcony says “SHREDDING FOR A CURE. DONATE HERE”). Della : Whoo! Hugo : Whoa! (Cut to the balcony, where Claire, Della's mother, is speaking excitedly) : Custom decks. Start the bidding at 400 bucks. Trust me, the kids'll force their parents to buy them. (Her husband comes to her). George : You got to see this. (He takes her to the handrail and they look at Della running around pushing Hugo. George looks at his wife). George : You made a great event today, hon. (They smile at each other). Della : Fast enough for you? Hugo : I'm already in a wheelchair. What are you so afraid of? (Della suddenly let go of the wheelchair and stops. The wheelchair gains speed. Della looks away, falls hard on the floor and doesn't move any more). Hugo : That wasn't what I meant. (He turns around and sees his sister on the floor). Della? You okay? Mom! Dad! (Parents and other skaters run to Della, still unconscious). NEW CREDIT ROLLS. (Cut to PPTH parking lot. The camera shows House's bike, parked in a handicapped place, then moves on to House, leaning on a car trunk, a new skull cane on his shoulder. He is clearly waiting for Cuddy, who walks from her car. He lifts himself from the car and reaches for her hand. They walk to the elevator.) House : We got to stop parking like this. People are gonna talk. Cuddy : Well, that's why I plan on doing some talking first. (She pats his arm). I want us to formerly report our relationship to Human Resources. House : Okay. You get them, I'll cover everybody else. (He pushes the elevator button with the tip of his cane). Cuddy : I would appreciate it if we could keep it quiet until we had that meeting. House : It's gonna be hard with me grabbing your ass all day. Cuddy : Grabbing stops at the threshold... (House grabs her ass, firmly; she jumps a little)... of the parking garage. House : Handicapped plates. I got special access. (She smiles and frees herself; they enter the elevator). Cuddy : I just don't want our relationship affecting our jobs. Or the other way around. (Elevator closes.) (Cut to PPTH lobby. House and Cuddy enter together, by separate doors.) House (Loudly) : Why, Dr. Cuddy, how was your weekend? (He gives her an exaggerated wink). Cuddy : I got a call about a case for you. 14-year-old. EMTs think her heart stopped— House (still loudly) : Sounds great. Cuddy : You haven't seen it yet. House : I sense something fascinating about it. Cuddy (voice low) : I'm gonna get us in to see HR this afternoon. Think you can hold your tongue till then? (She gives him the file). House (whines) : Mom... (Seriously) Fine. People are gonna know soon enough. I think I can hold it till lunch. (He almost smiles. Cuddy smiles back and goes to her office. House watch her going and looks quite happy.) (Cut to Diagnostics room. All is quiet. The team is sitting around the table, busy reading the file. Wilson is here, reading, too. House is walking around the table. He whistles. He leans over Foreman's shoulder, pretending to read.) House : I'm seeing Cuddy. (All heads up). Generally, without her clothes on. Use your imagination. Hope it's got a wide-angle lens. (He chuckles. They all stare at him, looking confused. He takes back the file Wilson was reading). You don't actually need that. Wilson (getting up) : I'm gonna check my office for whoopee cushions. House : This is not a prank. Wilson : This is not me walking out the door. (He leaves). Taub : Really? You and Cuddy? House : For realz. Foreman can translate. So Junior Miss everything — skateboarder, basketballer, science clubber, seal clubber (Pauses). I'm actually guessing with that last one. Healthy one day, heart arrhythmia the next. Taub : Are you sure it a good idea to be yanking on the chain of command? Foreman (convinced) : Way to go, House. I'm surprised you two didn't get together sooner. Chase (his eyes did not leave the file) : EKG, echo and head CT are all spotless. There's nothing on her neurological exam. House : Interesting. (He points his cane at Foreman, then Taub, then Chase) In favor, indignant, indifferent. Think I'd like a female perspective. Or Thirteen's. Where is she? Taub : She's gone. Foreman : She said she was taking a leave of absence. (He takes out Thirteen's letter, and hands it to House, who reads it). Wanted us to think it was for a Huntington's study in Rome. They've never heard of her. Taub: Cell and home phone are disconnected. Apartment's already been vacated. And what's with the death's head cane? House (still reading) : They didn't have a death's ass cane in my size. (Looks up). Well, I guess we'll just have to wait. (He throws the letter on the table). Conditions that cause intermittent heart arrhythmias. Taub : Three years, you've been trying to game out Thirteen. Now you don't care? House : Sorry. Not caring about Thirteen is not part of the differential for heart arrhythmia, but you do get a home version of the game. Chase (still looking engrossed in the case) : Patient's brother has severe, congenital muscular dystrophy. Life expectancy of about 25. If she's had a latent case of it... House : Wouldn't be sudden onset. Foreman! Foreman : Do you know something about Thirteen that we don't? House : She's entitled to her privacy. Just as I'm entitled to a diagnosis. Taub : And you're glossing over Thirteen's departure because you actually respect somebody's privacy? House : I agree. It's weird of me not to care. So either I'm a changed man because of Cuddy, or I'm pretending to be a changed man because I do know something about Thirteen and I'm trying to throw you off the scent, or I've just gone nutty bananas because I lost a patient. All of which you are free to discuss (Articulating) after I get a diagnosis. Chase (doing serious doctoring) : If it's Long QT Syndrome, any startling stimulus in that skate park could have triggered the arrhythmia. Loud noise, flashing lights. House : Scare the patient to death to confirm Long QT. (They all frown. House shrugs). Fine. If you insist, do it in a room with one of those thingamabobs that brings people back to life. (Cut to PPTH corridor. Foreman and Taub are walking to the elevator.) Foreman : Scare test is insane. Taub : Scare test is legitimate. Simulates real world conditions. This fling with Cuddy is insane. Flare gn? Scary enough? Foreman : How about just telling her we're planning this stupid test? And I'm hoping House and Cuddy are more than just a fling. It's clearly mellowed him out. He didn't even care about Thirteen. Taub : Right. The guy who ordered us to stop the patient's heart has mellowed out. It's gonna be horrible because it's doomed, which is just gonna make House 50 times more of a crank. (Has an epiphany). Firecrackers! We can hide 'em under one of those covered food trays. (Taub leaves hastily. Foreman looks worried). (Cut to Wilson's office. Wilson is sitting behind his desk. House enters). House : Find any itching powder in your hanky? Any fake poo in your desk drawer? Wilson : Yes, the lack of dime-store pranks is proof that you're actually dating Cuddy, and not just mocking me for being worried about you. House (extending his arms) : What do I have to do to prove this to you? Tattoo a cane on her inner thigh? Tattoo her inner thigh on my cane? (Cuddy enters). Cuddy : You told everybody, didn't you? House : Repeatedly. This one's not buying it. Need a little help. Cuddy : I'm not selling it. It's time for our meeting at Human Resources. House (to Wilson, thoughtfully) : Hmm. Human Resources. Now, why would I need to go to Human Resources? Wilson : House, you've been to Human Resources 74 times in the last six weeks. House : Never after doing this. (He bends down to kiss Cuddy, who stops him). Wilson : Well, I'm convinced. House (pleading, to Cuddy) : Come on. One peck. Just enough to arouse him a little. Wilson : I – hey, I'm not even... House (turns back to Wilson) I didn't mean you. (Wilson looks confused). Cudddy : If I confirm it, can we leave? House (nodding, voice soft) : Yes. Cuddy (turns back to Wilson) : It's true. (Wilson raises a suspicious eyebrow. She rolls her eyes, takes House by the chin and kisses him briefly on the mouth.) Wilson (still unconvinced) : I've been more passionate with my great aunt. House (raising his left arm, enthusiastic) : Mabel? Up high! (Cuddy, deadly serious, moves her right arm and grabs House's crotch. He doesn't move at all. The camera changes and we see Wilson's face, frozen, looking at House's crotch level and then at Cuddy). Cuddy (still stone faced) : We done here? (Cut to House's face. He is silent but his eyes are sparkling. Wilson, still looking at crotch level, gives an imperceptible nod, wordlessly. Cuddy leaves.) House (smiling) : She didn't even ask me to cough. (he goes after her and calls) Think you straightened out my limp a little. (Realisation dawns on Wilson, who manages a small smile while looking still startled). (Cut to Human Resource office. Ernest Griffin is sitting, with a notepad on his desk and a pen. He looks attentive, professional, and a little puzzled, at House and Cuddy sitting at the other side of the desk). HR guy : How would you describe the exact nature of the relationship? House (Helpful) : You ever see Wild Kingdom? Those insects that rip their partner's heads off after copulating? (He turns to Cuddy for approval. There is an akward silence. Ernest Griffin considers this and starts to write it down. Cuddy, who was preparing to speak, stops and looks startled.) Cuddy : It's a sexual relationship. House : Go slowly now. He's writing it down. Cuddy : I believe that I can still supervise Dr. House effectively, but we both want to follow hospital policy to the letter. HR guy : Our concern is to make sure that there's no conflict of interest, no liability for the hospital. House (entertained) : You think we're gonna sue if things go south? (Confidently) Let me tell you. She actually does go— Cuddy : House. Let him talk. (She tries hard not to smile, does not look at House and intently listens to HR guy. House stares at her and looks like he really enjoys it). HR guy : I, uh, know that you're not going to sue, because you are both going to sign love contracts. (Handles them contracts). Consensual relationship agreements. House (perusing the file) : Well, obviously outside counsel will have to review the crotchless undies clause. HR guy : Uh, we'll also need to watch for any favoritism toward Dr. House. (House takes out a pen, hands it to Cuddy; she signs the file). House : Does that mean she has to sleep with everyone? Cuddy (mischievously) : I promise not to give him a raise or a promotion of any kind. House : There's got to be a joke there about keeping up with inflation. HR guy : Or bias against him. Are there any supervisory issues with Dr. House's current case load? (Cuddy gives House his pen back; he signs. They both give their file back to Ernest Griffin). House : No, her case is solved. Patient has Long QT. Gonna scare her into cardiac arrest to confirm it. Cuddy : No, we're not. House : Okay, no, we're not. (He pockets the pen). See? Everything's under control. (He smiles). (Cut to PPTH corridor. House and Cuddy are on their way back to work). Cuddy : I know you're still planning your ridiculous scare test. The patient is nowhere near sick enough to justify the risk. An angiogram and an E.P. study are much safer and very effective. House : Fair point. Not doing the scare test. (Cuddy stops walking. House turns back to her). I'd invite you to watch me not doing the test, but having not done it many times before, trust me, it's pretty not interesting. (Cuddy still looks unconvinced. House rolls his eyes, gets his phone, dials with speaker on. Taub answers). Taub : House? House : Scare test was not approved. Do an angio and E.P. study instead. Taub : First of all, that's not as effective as— (House shuts the phone. Cuddy nods and leaves). (Cut to Della's room. Foreman and Taub are preparing Della for her tests). George : How come you're not doing the more specialized test? Taub : This test is virtually just as effective. And Dr. House puts a premium on patient safety. Hugo : But frequently changes his mind. Della : Hugo, give him a break. I'm fine. Foreman : You should go to the bathroom before we go. We've been hydrating you for quite a while. Della : I don't have to pee. Taub : Once we start the test, you won't be able to move for at least an hour. Della : I really don't have to pee. Foreman : How much fluid have we given her? Taub (looking at the chart) : 2.5 liters. When's the last time you went to the bathroom? Della : Last night, I guess. (Foreman and Taub look at each other). Claire : What does that mean? Foreman : Your daughter's kidneys seem to be failing. (Cut to Diagnostics office). House (looking through the blinds) : So what could cause her heart to stop and her urine not to drop? Taub : House, I was expecting your relationship with Cuddy to complicate our work long-term. (House turns back, gives him a patient, fake-polite look). I am now concerned it might be affecting us short-term. All due respect. House : None taken. I listen to Cuddy all the time. She's my boss. Also yours, by the way. Taub : You'd listen, then tell her she's being an idiot, and do whatever you want. House : I find I can skip the idiot part when she's not being an idiot, and since the scare test would have led to the same dad end, she was right to stop it. Which means your problem's about you. Taub : This should be interesting. House : Losers love company. And if even a misanthrope like me has a chance at happiness, it's gonna be pretty lonely on that landfill of loserdom you call a marriage. (Taub looks a little hurt, Foreman smiles. House opens the patient's file). Heart, kidneys, go. Foreman : Could be Fabry disease. Lipid deposition in her tissues. Chase : Dad's history was clean. Foreman : What about protein deposits? They wouldn't show in her parents' history. House : Amyloidosis. Explains both the symptoms. Marrow transplant to treat. Brother's a match. (Gives Taub the file) Confirm and do. (Cut to the Clinic. House is sitting in an exam room, facing an Old Guy with a cap and a Very Old Guy with glasses). Very Old Guy, Maurice : I been experiencing fatigue, and — and weakness. House : Wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you're... 102 years old. Old Guy, Sidney : Usually he's strong as an ox. House : 102-year-old ox. Sidney : He has tingling in his feet and his legs. I want a full battery of tests. House : Carbon dating? Sidney : I'll pay cash if it's not covered. House : That's nice of you to float your friend. Sidney : He's not my friend. He's my father. He's 22 years older than me. House (looking closely) : Well, that's true, he's definitely had his jowls done. Statistically, if he didn't have these symptoms, he'd be like most people of his age — dad for the past several decades. Maurice : Do the tests. I'm sick. House : You have a bad case of natural causes. Sidney (voice rising) : Do the damn tests. House : If the vial fills with sand, we take that as a bad sign. (Cut to Della's room. Taub is at her side. Her parents are standing at the foot of her bed). Della : Hugo should be here. Why'd you ask him to leave? Taub : We wanted to be able to discuss this openly. Della : But it obviously affects him. Calire : Honey, let the doctor finish. Taub : It's a standard procedure. We use general anesthesia, harvest a very small amount of— Della : No. I'm not taking my brother's marrow. George : Del, it's— Taub : These harvests are harmless. With the meds we give, there's almost no pain, almost no risk of infection. Della : Almost? His life's hard enough as it is. (Cut to the clinic. House is busy scribbling in patient files. He doesn't look at Taub while talking). Taub : Small problem with the treatment. House : Patient won't take marrow from steel wheels? Taub : We're finding another match. And how do you know? House : What other problem could there be with a problem-free procedure? Boy's sports, science club, she's living his life, not hers. (He puts the file away, takes another, looks at Taub). Makes sense she's being a self-denying moron. Taub : She loves her brother. She's thinking selflessly. How is that at all— House: Being moronic? Mm. If I can only think of a harm-free medical treatment she turned down lately. Taub : You're right. If everyone were more selfish, the world would be a better place. House : See? I can skip the idiot part when you're not being an idiot. (He turns to leave the Clinic. Wilson is leaning in the doorframe, arms crossed, with a huge smile on his face). House : Yeah, I had that same facial expression for the first 47 hours. Had another one too, but only for 15 seconds at a time. (They pass the door and walk together, as usual). Wilson : I'm happy for you. You're happy for you. This is huge. So who's gonna supervise you? House : Cuddy. Wilson : Well, I guess maybe that can work. House : Maybe? Nothing's changed. Wilson : You showed up for clinic hours. (Emphatically). Voluntarily. House (he stops walking and faces Wilson) : Fine. A little bit has changed. Wilson : House, everything's changed. You're sleeping together. You want something from her besides a sign-off on scaring your patient to death. House : You talked to Taub. Wilson : He's worried about you. House : He's a jerk. Wilson : I'm worried too. House : Do I need to say it? Wilson : I want this to work. House : I'm not doing anything differently. She changed my mind about one diagnostic test. And she was right. (He enters the elevator). Even though it's your emotional default, stop worrying. (He bows a little). I can handle it. (Elevator closes). (Cut to Della's room. Taub is giving her meds, in a cup, with a glass of water). Taub : I hear you're a pretty fierce skateboarder. Della (smiling) : I do okay. Taub : All your activities, don't they seem like things a 16-year-old boy would do? Some people might think you're trying to live his life for him. Della (nods) : I am. Sort of. Um, I got into skateboarding when some of Hugo's classmates did, and he realized he could never do it. (She looks outside of the room, where Chase is talking to her parents and Hugo). It's the same with a lot of things. We live through it together. Taub : And you're not worried you're being selfless to the point of self-denial? Della : You've never been inspired by someone? Taub : Why don't you take your pills? (He turns away. Della swallows, coughs, gasps, begins to spit out lots of blood). Taub (putting on gloves) : Need some help in here. (Chase turns and rushes in the room. Della is still coughing blood). Taub : Hemothorax. We need to bronch her now. Chase : Clear an O.R. She's drowning in her own blood. Taub : It's not amyloidosis. (Chase, Taub and a nurse take Della's bed to the OR. Taub is giving her oxygen. She gasps.) (Cut to OR, where Della is undergoing a bronchoscopy. House and Cuddy are upside in the watching room). House : She's bleeding to death. Out of her lung. I want to fill a quarter of it with foam. Cuddy : That'd stop the bleeding, all right. House : Thought it made more sense than diet and exercise. Cuddy : And if she doesn't have enough lung function left, you'll have klled her. House (slowly and quietly) : The only alternative is slowly suturing the lung, hoping that the bleeding stops in time and she doesn't die on her own. But we would walk away with clean hands. Except for all the blood. Cuddy : You're right. Faster and riskier's better. Foam the lung. (She goes downstairs. House turns back to the OR). Chase : Got a green light? House(pushing the speaker button, frowning) : No. Suture the lung. Chase : Scalpel, rib spreader. (House is thinking hard). (Cut to Wilson's office. House shuts the door behind him and slouches in a chair). House : I can't handle it. Wilson (folds the letter he was reading) : What happened? House (rubs his nose, gestures a lot with his left hand, looks defeated) : She said "yes," and I heard "no." I didn't actually hear "no." But I just... was sure that's what she meant. Way she tilted her head and half-arched her eyebrow. What do I even care what she meant? She said yes. That's all that matters. I'm screwing this up. Wilson : It's not completely bad, House. You care enough to pull your punches. That's not a bad thing. But you and Cuddy have got to figure out a way of avoiding this problem. Set some ground rules. House : Yeah (Wilson looks genuinely surprised). I have to avoid this problem. If I can restrict our interactions to places where neither of us are wearing pants... Wilson : Yeah, that's not avoiding the problem, that's avoiding the issue. House : Since avoidance is my plan for dealing with the issue, technically, that's not avoiding it. (He seems relieved). Thanks. Wilson : No problem. (He goes back to whatever paperwork he was doing before). (Cut to House office, where the team is waiting for him. He enters). Chase : Stitching worked. Taub : This time. No guarantee bowing to Cuddy will work next time. (House gives him a look). House : Heart arrhythmia, kidney failure, and now bleeding lung. Taub : I don't want to criticize your girlfriend, but— House : Hey, you've been on me for years to respect someone's opinion (He starts packing). Just 'cause I had to go outside this group to find one I respect. (Taub raises his eyebrows). Foreman : Multi-system involvement centered in the lung. Sarcoidosis? Chase : Doesn't explain the hemothorax. Foreman: TB can affect all three organs. Taub : Skin test was negative. Foreman : What about Goodpasture's? Affects the lungs, kidneys. House : And autoimmune explains the out of the blue arrhythmia. Goodpasture's it is. Immunosuppressants and plasmapheresis to treat, kidney biopsy to confirm. (He takes his backpack and leaves). (Cut to PPTH lobby. House gets out of the elevator). Sidney (walking fast and calling) : Dr. House. House : Don't tell me, your father's hairline is receding, and he needs more tests. Sidney : He's 102. His next test is an autopsy. Look, I love the old man, but I got to get him out of the damn house. He can't do anything without me. He needs to be in a care facility. House : Well, so tell him. He's a big boy now. Sidney : I can't. I'm his whole life. But if it comes from a doctor... (He holds out his wallet and slips House a twenty). House : That's very generous. When you were 30. Sidney (gives him another twenty) : Pretend to run the tests, and then tell him... He can't live with me anymore. (Cut to House's bedroom, where House and Cuddy are cuddling, naked. He is stroking her arm while she curls up on his right side). Cuddy : I didn't run into you all afternoon. I missed you. House : Busy day. Cuddy : Maybe we should plan on lunch tomorrow. House : Problem is, at lunch you tend to wear tops.(Cuddy smiles widely. He lifts the sheet and takes a look). This is much better. (Cuddy laughs. He smiles and kiss her forehead, then lifts himself and prepares to kiss her properly. The phone rings. Cuddy frowns. He reaches for his phone and answers. During the whole conversation, Cuddy caresses his forearm and traces one of his veins). House : Cuddy and I are naked. So I'm having trouble focusing. Use small words. Foreman (He and Chase are in the lab, near a computer screen) : Kidney biopsy was clean, so we rechecked the piece of her lung from the O.R. House : You lost me. Sorry, who is this calling again? Chase : It's not Goodpasture's. There's intimal thickening of the blood vessels. Foreman: And lymphocytic infiltrate. We tested for LAM. It's positive. Chase: Plus her lung's fried. She needs a donor lung to live, which is the only treatment for LAM, anyway. Foreman : Taub's gone to the transplant committee. They may have found a donor lung. House : So this call is purely expositional. (He shuts his cell phone and throws it away, then goes back to kissing Cuddy). Cuddy (with absolutely no conviction) : I should really get dressed. I told the nanny I'd be home by 9 :00. House : And I slipped the nanny 40 bucks, told her to stay till 10 :00. Cuddy :Really? House (playfully) : Mm-hmm, really. (Cuddy brings him back to her. They kiss again). (Cut to PPTH corridor. George and Claire are pacing. Chase and Taub join them). Chase : Good news. (The parents hug). (Cut to Della's face, asleep. She is intubated). (Cut to the OR, where the surgical team is performing the lung transplant, with Foreman's voice over). Foreman : Surgery was uneventful, but the donor lung started failing about an hour into recovery. (Cut to the Diagnostics office, where the team is sitting). Taub : We know we're right about LAM. Tests confirmed it. House : That leaves us with two options. Body's rejecting the new lung or we should have rejected the new lung because it's infected. Chase : Let's biopsy, see which one it is. Taub : No guarantee we'd ht the affected spot. Foreman : If we give steroids for rejection, it'd make an infection worse. If we give antibiotics for infection, it'd make rejection worse. House : Which worse is worse? Chase : If we treat for infection and we're wrong, she'll be dad within hours. House : And if we treat for rejection and we're wrong? Taub : She'll probably hang on a day or two. Foreman : You're assuming her rejection's hyperacute. Odds are, it isn't. House : Gotta head off the worst worse first. I studied under Dr. Seuss. Start with IV methylprednisolone for hyperacute rejection. If that fails, we'll switch her to broad-spectrum antibiotics and hope we're not too late. (They all get up and leave, except Taub who does not move and looks at his nails.) House : Cat got your legs? Taub (matter-of-factly) : We just decided to give meds that could kll the patient based on a guess. You need approval from Cuddy, and she'll want to take the safer course, and you're gonna fold like an origami crane, so... (He takes the file). I'll just wait here till we get our actual orders. House : Fine. You do it. (Taub freezes, file in hand). Tell her she's being an idiot for always choosing the safer course. She's sitting on her ample, if well-formed, bureaucratic ass while our patient's dying. We'll see who folds like an origami shrimp. Taub : You want me to get Cuddy's approval? House : I gotta be somewhere important. Taub : Sitting at your desk? House : I'm running late. (He turns back to his office. Taub gets up and go see Cuddy). (Cut to House's shoes, under his desk, then to House. He is reading with a pencil in his hand and his reading glasses on. Maurice enters his office). Maurice : Forget the tests. House (quitting his glasses) : I think Junior might have a few words to say about that. Maurice : I love him, but he can't let go. House (smirking, leaning back in his chair) : 40 bucks says he can. Maurice : I can't do anything without him helping me like I'm senile. If I go back there, I'm gonna rip his throat out. House : You sure you won't warm up to him over time? Maurice (gets a hundred dollars note out of his pocket and hands it to House, who takes it) : Skip the blood work. (House suppress a smile). Tell my son it's grim news. I need to be in a nursing home. A private room. (Pause) Make it a suite. House : Be our little secret. (He pockets the note. Maurice goes to leave, but is stuck by a Very Angry Cuddy briskly entering House's office. Taub follows). Cuddy (thrat) : I sit around on my bureaucratic ass? Taub : I was relaying your words. House (Wide-eyed) : I said well-formed. I said well-formed! (to Taub) What were you— Taub : I needed to be aggressive. House : You're an idiot. Taub : She was siding with Foreman's analysis. Cuddy : The odds are against it being hyperacute rejection. House : Stop. I agree with you (He gives a little sigh. Taub is speechless). That was our analysis from the start. (to Taub) If you've got a problem with a team decision, you come to me. (to Cuddy, sheepishly) I'm sorry. I-I'll deal with him later. (Pleadingly) I said well-formed. (Cuddy leaves. House bends his head in defeat). House (to Taub) : People who have not seen Cuddy naked should not throw stones. Maurice (approvingly) : She does have great cans. (House gives him a look). (Cut to PPTH corridor). Taub (indignant) : Cuddy has House on such a short leash, she might as well start giving him chew toys. Chase : Let's give the antibiotics at least another hour. Taub : Amazing. And House hasn't given you one ounce of grief for your complete lack of interest in his love life? Chase : Did it ever occur to you that House is just happy and could give a crap about other people's lives because of it? Taub : Well, that's ironic and depressing. And by that logic, the reason you don't give a crap is because you're happy, which means you've got someone new giving you chew toys. Chase : You're one-fourth right. Taub : Wait. Are you saying... (pagers beep) You're dating four women? (Chase cocks his head. They both look at their pagers and run away). (Cut to Della's room, where all the alarms are beeping. Nurses are busy changing fluids. Chase and Taub rush in). Chase : BP's dropping. Means the antibiotics aren't working. Taub : Put her in Trendelenburg. George : Can you save the lung? Taub : Believe it or not, we got a better chance now. This means rejection, not infection. Chase : Start her on IV methylprednisolone right away. (Cut to the cafeteria. House is sitting in front of a plate, thinking, frowning. Wilson sits next to him). Wilson : Wow. You hate salad. She's really got you tied up in knots. House (He rubs his face) : I caved. Through an intermediary. I need a plan "C." Wilson : What you need is a plan that you actually develop with Cuddy. (He takes a fork and eats salad from House's plate. House looks at him, worried. Taub and Chase enter the Cafeteria and stop at the table). Taub : Antibiotics didn't work and then steroids didn't work. Chase : The new lung's ruined, and it's not rejection or infection. The only two options were wrong. House : Unless it's not LAM. Chase : It is LAM. The tests were positive. House : Then the tests have to be wrong. (The cook comes with a plate of fries. He hands it to House) : Deep-fryer's working again. (Pointing at the salad) Still working on that? House : No, it was here when I sat down. I need to think. (He gets up end leaves. Wilson stills, fork in hand). (Cut to House's fingers. He is playing with a miniature skateboard. His head is on his left hand. He is thinking, standing in front of Della's room). Hugo : I want to make sure you're trying everything to save my sister. House : Everything? Well, that must be it. See, I thought you guys checked the box marked, "try every other thing." Hugo (voice trembling) : I'm the one that's supposed to die first. I'm the damaged one, not her. She never even gets a cold. House : Damage has a way of spreading to everyone around you. For example, your obvious emotional damage is now making me have a philosophical conversation instead of dealing with your sister. See how that might be damaging? (House starts to leave, then stops and turn back to Hugo). Never? (Cut to Della's room. Claire is sitting next to her daughter. We hear the door opening and House enters). House : When was the last time you had a cold? Any minor aches, swelling, anything? (Della mumbles something). Claire : It's been years. She never gets colds. House : I didn't ask when's the last time she mentioned it. I asked when she had one — even a tiny one. (He takes her oxygen mask away so she can speak). Della : It's nothing. Sometimes my ears ache a little. House (sighing) : So now tell me the rest of the nothing. Della : M–my chest... Soreness. Some congestion. George : You never said anything about that. Della : I barely noticed it until that skateboarding tournament in Denver. House : How long ago? Della : A... year? Cold's nothing when I think of what Hugo goes through every day. (House puts her mask back in place). House : Yeah, we get it. Your brother, the Saint. His sister, the Martyr. (He leaves the room. Taubs runs after him). House : Thank God you followed me. Now you can go back to the transplant committee while I get confirmation. Taub : Confirmation of what? House : What causes low-level cold symptoms for a year, can ruin two lungs, is immune to drug therapies, and gets worse in cities nicknamed “Mile-High”? Taub : A clotting disorder? House : She has a nasty case of sickle cell trait. Her heart arrhythmia wasn't sudden at all. Screwed-up blood cells screwed-up the blood vessels, which gave us a screwed-up positive for LAM. If she'd told us about her symptoms sooner — like ever — she might not be dying. You were right after all. Taub : I never said sickle— House : If everyone were more selfish, the world would be a better place. Taub : So she's gonna die. House : Unless we can find— Taub : She brned through one donor lung. Transplant committee's never gonna give her a second one. House : Well, then I guess you're right again. (Thinking) Unless we don't need their approval. (Cut to the Lab. House is working on a computer. Cuddy comes to him. During the whole following exchange, she argues with her usual tone, House is surprisingly quiet). Cuddy : You can't advise your patient's parents to take marrow and half a lung from their son! House : I guess I can just chat with them about the weather. Blood tests just confirmed sickle cell trait. So they might be curious about the only treatment option. Though we are having weird weather lately. Cuddy : There is a huge reason not to take lungs from living patients. House : So their siblings can die? Cuddy : Their son has CMD. As it is, he's gonna die of respiratory failure by 25. We could cut whatever time he has left in half. House : That qualifies as a bad reason for them to reject the idea. It's a much worse reason for them not to get the choice. Cuddy : It's coercive to tell them! You ever hear of "do no harm"? House : That was second year, right? 'Cause I had mono all that fall. Cuddy : Their son's not even our patient. Why don't we just take half a lung from some guy in the clinic with a toothache? House : That's a great idea. Now we can give the parents two options. Cuddy (firmly) : We don't compromise one life for another. House (pauses, then nods) : Okay. (He gets up and starts leaving). Cuddy : Okay? Seriously! (House turns back ands puffs). House : You made an argument. If you don't want me to defer to you, why make it at all? Cuddy (coming closer) : But are you deferring to me just because we're seeing each other? House (nods) : Maybe. (Raises eyebrows and admits it) Yeah. I think so. This is screwing me up. Why is it not screwing you up? Cuddy (whispers) : It is. I don't know why I okayed you foaming that lung. I realized it was wrong as soon as I said it. House (whispers too) : I knew it! I knew 'cause you tilted your head. Cuddy (quietly) : House... we are screwing this up. I'm gonna call HR, find someone else to supervise you as soon as I can. (Cut to an exterior view of PPTH, then to the clinic, where House is back with the two Old Guys). House : I've got your... test results. (He shows them a manila envelope labeled “test results”). You have the metabolism, blood counts, liver and kidney function of a 92-year-old. Which is great, 'cause you're 102. What's not so great is the average life expectancy is 78. It is my recommendation that you move into a home with round-the-clock care. Sidney : Oh... I can't believe it! (Winks and put his arm around his father's shoulders). Maurice : Can't my son give me round-the-clock care? House : Not unless you've done your two-year certification in tiburon swab technology. (Maurice winks and nods in approval. House nods back, slightly). Sidney : There must be some other way. Just because he has a little tingling and some trouble feeling hot and cold and some difficulty— House : You can't feel hot and cold? Maurice : Not lately. But at my age... House : Show me your teeth. (He does so). Dentures. Fairly worn. I'm guessing ten years old. (The corner of his mouth twitches). Show me your denture cream. (Maurice searches in his pocket). Sidney : Why would he carry denture cream? House : Because... (Maurice hands him a tube. House takes it and reads the label). He has... zinc poisoning. But to get it from denture cream, he'd have to take so much of it — trust me, he never leaves home without it. Sidney : How much do you use, pop? Maurice : About a tube a day. I buy it online (House smiles lightly). So what does this mean? House : Bizarrely, it explains all your symptoms. Better-fitting dentures, you'll be fine. Medically, there's no reason to go anywhere. (Maurice and Sidney look at each other. House starts to leave, changes his mind, sighs, turns back and holds out his wallet. He gives Maurice his one hundred back and hands Sidney a twenty). Hospital rebate. You might wanna... put it towards couples therapy. (Cut to PPTH at night. George is waiting in House's office. He is leaning on the back of a chair, turning around when House enters the room. He looks and sounds exhausted). George : The transplant committee's... never gonna give my daughter another lung, are they? House : No. George : Are there any other options? House : We're looking into it. George : Looking into what? Please. Tell me. Give me some kind of hope. House : I'm afraid I can't do that. George (on the verge of tears) : We're talking about my daughter's life. What can't you tell me? If there's any... chance you can save her, anything you can try... House : We can take marrow and half a lung from your son. It would likely shorten his life significantly. He'd never be able to go on a respirator if he needed to. Most people with CMD need to as their respiratory function declines. George : How long... do we have to decide? House : Morning at the latest. George (little laugh, almost inaudible) : Thank you. (Cut to PPTH corridor. George and Claire have a conversation not audible under somber music. They discuss, argue, and hug). (Cut to Della's room. Taub is checking on her. She wants to speak, and he takes her mask away). Della : Where are my parents? Taub : They're probably dealing with committee issues or something. Della : They were arguing. I saw my mom crying. Looked like my dad was yelling at her. Taub : They care about you a lot. (He puts the mask back on her face. She takes it away). Della : Hugo was a marrow match? Taub : We're way past that now. Della : They want a lung from him too. Is that what this is about? Taub (softly) : No. It's nothing you need to worry about. Everybody's working on getting you the best care possible. (He puts the mask back in place). (Cut to PPTH corridor. Claire is sobbing.) Claire : How do they expect us to go on from here? George : We make a choice... And we live with it. Claire : There's no living with it. No matter what we decide. (Running footsteps are heard. It's Chase and a nurse. Claire and George look at each other and run after them). (Cut to the stairs. Della is lying on the landing. Foreman is ventilating her through a mask. Chase joins with a breathing bag). Foreman : Still cold and clammy. She had a respiratory arrest. Claire : Oh, my God! What is she doing here? Taub : She figured out what was going on. Chase : She's pinking up. Taub : She must have yanked off her IVs and oxygen. Came here to die. (George and Claire cry. Della is lifted on a gurney). (Cut to Della's room. She's back in her bed. Claire and Hugo are at her side. We hear Taub and Foreman voices over). Taub : By unhooking herself from everything, she delivered a hypoxic insult to her body that started a downward spiral. Foreman : If you're gonna make a decision, you're running out of time. (Cut to PPTH corridor where Taub and Foreman are in front of the parents. House is watching from the side. Cuddy comes behind him). Cuddy : HR can't find you a new supervisor. House : How come? Cuddy : Because you're unsupervisable, House. Two department chairs thrat to quit. House : Well, I guess we're stuck with each other. Cuddy : I have no idea why I'm making this call, or if it's the right call to make. But if you feel strongly about presenting the parents your treatment option, you can do it. Houses : Thank you, I will. (Pause) Several hours ago. Cuddy : You told them? House : I told him. He came to my office. I'm sorry. Cuddy : Well... I should probably be more mad at you. House : Yeah. George (hugging Claire) : Dr. House? We've decided. We're not gonna take the lung from my son. Cuddy : She's still on the waiting list. We're gonna do whatever we can do find her another— House (suddenly sounding furious) : What ginormous crack pipe have you people been sucking on? Cuddy : House! (During the whole following exchange, they yell at each other) : House : Are you gonna pretend that you're not choosing your own daughter's death? Claire : Our daughter doesn't want it. House : Probably doesn't wanna floss her teeth either. She's a mindless teenybopper. Cuddy : Don't put this on them. House : What do you mean, put it on? It is on them! As much as they may wanna pass the lung here! Cuddy : Of course they do! You're handing them an impossible choice. House : Life has handed them a crappy choice, and they're picking the crappier option — trading who knows how many healthy decades for four or five years in which roller boy will be a limp rag. Cuddy : Not everything is a math equation. House : Do you need me to explain the difference between decade and year? Cuddy : Their son is a human being. You know what they are, right? Intrinsic value. We don't get to decide— House : And we do it every day. If the two of them needed the same lung— Cuddy : He needs to keep the one he's got. You don't get to play God by ripping out— House : That train left the station when we learned to do transplants. The rest is just paper-pushing. Of course, now we're on to your real area of expertise. Cuddy : Oh, I thought we were moving on to yours — bullying your patients into embracing your own lack of a moral— (As she turns, we see Hugo who has been listening). Claire : Hugo. Honey. George : We didn't mean for you to hear any of this. Hugo, please! (Hugo wheels himself to his sister bedside, where she is dozing. He takes her hand, wakes her up). Hugo : I want you to take half my lung. Della (from behind her mask) : No. I'm not. Hugo : You do so many great things. I just watch. I get to watch and coach and cheer. But that's not me out there. It never will be. If you take this piece of me, carry it with you... then I really can share in everything you do. (The parents stare at them). This is the great thing I can do with my life. Don't make me live without you. (Della cries and takes Hugo's hand. The parents join them into the bedroom. They are all crying. House and Cuddy turn back and slowly go to the elevator). House : We got lucky. (Pushes the elevator button with his cane). I did give them an impossible choice. The kid took it away from them. Cuddy : That fight... was the first honest interaction you and I have had since we came back to work. If we are painfully, brutally honest with each other, maybe we'll get lucky again. House (listens, nods slightly) : You've got a big ass. (He grabs it. Cuddy smiles at him, intertwines her fingers with his on her bottom, takes his hand and leads him to the elevator). (Elevator bell dings).	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x02 - Selfish"}	foreverdreaming
[Scene opens on a rear sht of Alice, sitting at her desk and typing very quickly on an old black manual typewriter. The camera pans up to a large framed poster on the wall. The poster is a book cover. Jack Cannon, Boy Detective, The Castle of Stone and Light by Alice Tanner. Cut to a close-up of Alice’s fingers on the typewriter keyboard and to the words as they appear on the page. Alice is determinedly focused on her work as she swipes a stray hair from her face. The camera sht jumps quickly from Alice, to the keyboard, to Alice hitting the return lever, to a shelf full of Jack Cannon, Boy Detective novels, to another book cover poster on the wall (Jack Cannon, Boy Detective, the Girl From Columbia), to the keyboard, to Alice, to a third book cover poster (Jack Cannon, Boy Detective, The Map of Tomorrow), to the keyboard, to Alice, who is typing almost frantically now as she again hits the return lever. The camera pulls back on Alice as she hits the return lever one last time and types “THE END” onto the page. Alice sighs, collapses back onto the chair, flexes her fingers and rubs her hands together as if to massage out cramps and pain] Jack: (off camera) They have a cure for that, you know? (cut to a blue yo-yo rolling on the floor) It's called a computer. [The scene shifts up to Jack. He is sitting in an antique lounge chair, reading a book and playing with the yo-yo. We see only his body. His head is blocked by an outside corner of the larger, adjoining room] Jack: We done for the day, or do I need to find something else to read? Alice: I'm done. [Jack turns to look at her and we see his face for the first time. He is a teenage boy with a scar on his left cheek. The book he is reading has a photo of Alice on the back cover] Alice: It’s done. [Jack closes the book and approaches Alice at her desk. Alice’s desk is in an alcove, which opens up into a library with walls lined with bookshelves. The library, in turn, opens into the larger main living room area where Jack was sitting. The house is furnished with antiques. It is elegant and airy. The bay window behind Alice’s desk provides plenty of natural light] Jack: No way. It's finished? Well, how–how's it end? I mean, you got to let me read it. Alice: Not this time. (She pulls the last page out of the typewriter and adds it to the stack of manuscript pages) Jack: W–you at least got to tell me what happens. (Alice shakes her head no) Come on. How am I supposed to help with the next book if you don't— Alice: (Carrying the manuscript across the room) There isn't going to be a next book. [Alice opens a large black safe and places the manuscript inside] Jack: You can't be serious. Why? Alice: You wouldn't understand. Jack: Try me. [Alice stops in front of Jack and strokes the scar on his cheek with her hand] Alice: (quietly) I just can't do it anymore. I'm not brave like you. (She leaves him and goes back to her desk) Jack: But writing's your whole life. What are you gonna do without it? Alice: (she opens a desk drawer) What I should have done years ago. [Alice takes a small revolver out of her desk drawer, cocks it, and holds it front of her with both hands. It is pointed toward the ceiling. Her hands are shaking] Jack: What are you doing? Put it down, or I'll–I'll make you. Alice: (her voice trembles) How, Jack? You don't even exist. I'm sorry. [Alice puts the gn in her mouth, but just as she is about to pull the trigger, she has a seizure. The gn goes off next to her face and she collapses to the floor. Her maid, hearing the gn sht, comes rushing into the room] Christina: (looking around the room) Miss Tanner. Miss Tanner. (seeing Alice on the floor behind the desk) Oh, dear God. [Alice is still seizing. Christina kneels on the floor and places her boss’s head on her lap] OPENING CREDITS [Scene opens on House walking down a hospital corridor. He stops at a patient room and enters. The patient is in a coma, but her room is full of flowers and other gifts. House picks up a box of chocolates, reads the label, then opens it and takes out a piece. Finding the chocolate distasteful, he spits it into a bowl on the patient table. He then closes the chocolate box and goes over to the nightstand where he finds some small stuffed animals. The door opens behind him and Wilson steps in] House: (Holding up two stuffed animals) Which of these says "I want to sleep with you" more? Penguin or beaver? Beaver, beaver, beaver. You're right, it's too high school. Wilson: What did you do to piss Cuddy off? House: (putting the animals back) I can't be romantic? Wilson: House, you're stealing from a woman in a coma. [House picks up a bouquet of pink Peonies from the nightstand and, apparently satisfied with his choice, grabs his cane and heads for the door] House: We're fine. Never seen her happier. Wilson: Yeah? How about you? House: I'm... worried. Wilson: Because she's happy? House: (walking past Wilson and out the door) No, because I am. Wilson: House, that's— House: (turning to face Wilson) Ironic? Weird? Crazy? Wilson: (He follows House as he walks down the hall) I was going to say normal. House: For now. We're in the honeymoon period. Our brains are flooded with endorphins. Once she snaps out of it, where does that leave us? Wilson: In an adult relationship. House: Name one thing that Cuddy and I have in common besides work. Wilson: There's... You're both... Wait. House: Exactly. Long-term relationships are based on compatibility, and right now we only have sex. Wilson: House, you don't actually think she'd dump you because you, what, don't do yoga? Listen to the B-52s? House: Not right away. We'll fight, makeup sex, fight, maybe sex, and then she'll dump me. With possible goodbye sex. Wilson: So, instead of enjoying the honeymoon phase, you've decided to skip it entirely. House: I need to find something that we both like doing besides each other. Wilson: Right. Or you could just talk to her about it. House: No, then she'll start pretending to like things that she really doesn't just to make me feel better, which will make her feel even worse, which won't be my fault, so I'll resent her, and that won't be her fault, so she'll resent me. (stopping at an elevator, House pushes the call button) At least with my plan I get my one a day with iron till the bitter end. (The elevator door opens and House steps in, with Wilson right behind him) Is there a reason why you're following me? Wilson: Oh, yeah. You're not gonna believe who just checked into the E.R. [Cut to an E.R. cubicle. Alice Tanner is lying on the bed and buttoning up her shirt as House approaches and overhears the nurse and Alice talking] Nurse: The doctor hasn't examined you yet. Alice: There's nothing wrong with me. My maid just overreacted. House: Great. (He pushes aside the curtain with his cane) This won't take long then. [House hands the flowers to the nurse and props his cane up against the bottom of the bed] Nurse: EMTs found her unconscious. Her maid said she had a seizure. Alice: I fainted. [House uses his hands to examine Alice’s neck] House: Huge Jack Cannon fan, by the way. Love your books. Alice: Really? My fans tend to be overly-annoying teenaged girls. House: (pulling a lightscope out of his breast pocket) I know. All they care about is who's hotter, Jack or Deacon. Like Sarah can't love both of them. I may belong to one or two online fan clubs. (He looks into her eyes with the lightscope) How's the new book coming along? Alice: I don't talk about my work. House: 'Kay. How about nodding your head to a few yes/no questions? [House feels for Alice’s pulse, then picks up the nurse’s wrist with his other hand] Alice: (shaking her head no) But I'll make you a deal. You finish this exam quickly, and I'll answer one question. House: About anything? Alice: Anything. Who was Jack's real father, who kidnapped his Uncle... House: (dropping both their hands) Deal. I will have to go with, why'd you try to kll yourself? Burn on the side of your face is caused by gn, so, change your mind at the last second, or you just a lousy sht? Alice: I'm out of here. [Alice gets off the bed and picks up her purse and coat] House: Can't. We had a deal. Alice: Try and stop me. [She starts to leave the ER] House: Okay. (loudly to the whole room) This woman is on a 72-hour psychiatric hold. If she tries to run, sht her. With a sedative, if that's more convenient. [Alice stops to look back and him as House takes his bouquet of flowers from the nurse and leaves] [Cut to another floral bouquet, sitting on the main desk at PPTH this time. House pulls out a single flower from the red bouquet. Taub is with him and Chase is approaching from the hospital entrance. House continues to pull flowers from the bouquet on the desk and add them to the pink bouquet] Taub: You called us back to work because a lady might have had a seizure. House: A seizure while trying to commit su1c1de. Foreman: (who has arrived from inside the hospital) So send her for a psych eval. What's that got to do with us? House: What is the matter with you people? We're talking about a human being who's suffering. [Chase puts down the file he has been reading, and all three of them stare at House, waiting for an explanation of why House cares] House: You're right. That's not enough. She is also the writer of Jack Cannon: Boy Detective, beloved by millions around the world. [House pulls yet another red flower from the bouquet on the desk and adds it to his pink bouquet] Chase: By girls between 10 and 14. House: Look, the point is if she kills herself, millions of fans of all ages and genders will be very disappointed. Foreman: So we're taking this case 'cause you're a fan? House: No, that would be crazy and unprofessional. You're taking this case 'cause I said so. You and Taub do a full workup. Observe her overnight. See if she has another seizure. (looking at Chase) You can go. Taub: Why does he get the night off? House: Because he brought a “smokin'” hot babe. [They all turn to look at a pretty blond woman who is smoking a cigarette just outside the hospital doors. Chase waves to the woman, who waves back] Taub: I have plans with my wife. House: Yeah, nice try, but you hate your personal life. (to Foreman before he can protest) And you obviously don't have one. [Chase gives House a thumb’s up and starts to leave] House: Hey. (He pulls a red flower out of his bouquet and hands it to Chase who takes it and turns to join the young woman) I'd stay myself, but I just bought the flowers. (House leaves Taub and Foreman to observe Alice overnight) [Cut to House and Cuddy walking up the drive of a very large, older, stone home] House: Reservation for Dominica's isn't till 8:00, so we got plenty of time. Cuddy: We need to pick something up from a haunted house? House: This is a Gothic Revival masterpiece. I hope one day to live in a house like this. [Cut to the inside of, what we now realize is, Alice’s home. House flips on the lights in the library] Cuddy: Your friend's a writer? House: One of the best. She wants me to read her latest manuscript. Cuddy: (browsing the bookshelves) Alice Tanner. Why does that name sound familiar? House: I gave you a couple of her books a few years ago. [House has wandered up to the desk and starts looking through a stack of mail] Cuddy: (approaching House) No. She's the woman you put on the psych hold. This isn't a date. We're on a case. House: Ever hear of multitasking? Cuddy: Did you steal her keys? House: Think I'd take the Dean of Medicine on a “B” and “E” [Alice’s maid appears, brandishing a baseball bat] Christina: How did you get in here? House: (to Cuddy) Well, I guess you have your answer. [Cut to Alice’s hospital room at PPTH. Foreman has just finished listening to Alice’s heart] Foreman: When was your last physical? Alice: A while ago. I don't like doctors. Taub: Any history of seizures before today? Alice: Not that I recall. Are we almost done? I'm tired. Foreman: The exam would go faster if you would cooperate with us. Alice: I am. Taub: You're evading every question we ask. Alice: Why do you say that? Taub: That. Alice: I didn't ask for help. Taub: Committing a suicidal gesture says otherwise. Alice: It wasn't a gesture. I had the damn seizure before I could get the gn in my mouth. Foreman: You want to tell us why? Alice: You want to know my life story, my secret, inner pain? Maybe if I just open up a little, you'll be able to save me? Taub: We're just trying to help you. Alice: Thank you. I want a woman doctor. Taub: And back to being evasive. Alice: It's my right as a patient. So please. Get out. Now. Foreman: We need to observe you overnight. Alice: You really think I'm stupid enough to try and kll myself in a hospital? Foreman: To see if you have another seizure. (pointing to the observation room) We'll be up there, and we won't disturb you unless there's a problem. That work for you? Alice: Whatever it takes to get you out of here. [Cut to Alice’s home. House is snooping in Alice’s desk drawers. Cuddy has been talking with Christina] Cuddy: House, Christina has agreed to not call the police. House: She's probably illegal. Same reason she didn't report the su1c1de attempt. Christina: I call 911. But when Miss Tanner woke up, she say she will fre me if I say anything about the gn. House: And if she whacks herself, what happens to your job? Christina: I think she's a very depressed person. Never goes out, doesn't have friends. She has all this money, but all she does is write. House: I need to see her latest manuscript. Christina: (pointing to the safe) She always locks up her writing in there. Cuddy: Has she ever complained about physical pain or stress? [House goes to look at the safe and finds himself thwarted by the lock] Christina: Yes. Her back and her hands hurt a lot. House: A writer with back and hand pain. That's very helpful. Let's go. Christina: Sometimes I hear her cry at night. When she thinks nobody's listening. I should have done something. [The typewriter is brought into focus as Christina talks and House has an “aha” moment. He limps back to the desk House: (lifting up the top of the typewriter) True. Cuddy: (to House) What are you doing? [House sits down behind Alice’s desk and starts taking the ribbon out of the typewriter] House: Before there were hard drives, there were... (he holds up the ribbon reels) [Looking down, he notices something in the wastebasket. He picks it up and takes out an empty tuna can] House: How many of these does she eat a day? Christina: Two for lunch. Sometimes three. [Cut to the PPTH observation room in Alice’s room. Foreman is awake and watching Alice. Taub is asleep in a chair] Foreman: Still no seizure activity. It's your turn— [There is a rap on the observation room window, waking Taub. House has entered the hospital room and used his cane to get their attention] Taub: What the hell? Foreman: Close. House. (pushing the intercom button and talking to House) She's fine. Both the E.E.G. and all her vitals have been— [House spins Alice’s bed around so that her left side is now facing the observation window. He pulls back the covers on Alice’s bed, revealing that her entire left side is wet. She has been sweating, but only on one side. Alice wakes up] Alice: You. What do you want? House: You wet the bed. Just not sure how yet. [Cut to the PPTH diagnostics conference room. Taub and Foreman are blurry eyed as a cheery Chase enters the room] Chase: Good morning, gentlemen. (looking at their tired faces) Well, if it's any consolation, I didn't get any sleep either. (opening and reading Alice’s chart) Unilateral hyperhidrosis. Interesting. Taub: She also admitted she tried to kll herself, but won't tell us why. Foreman: House searched her home, found she's been eating two cans of tuna a day for years. Chase: Mercury poisoning? House: (just entering the room) Explains the seizures, hand and back pain, also the depression. Foreman: Explains everything except the fact that it's not. We got her urine and blood samples back. They're normal. Chase: If it's low level, it might not show up in a spot check. We need to run continuous testing to find it. [House tosses his backpack onto the chair in his office] Taub: We can't. She wants a female doctor. Foreman: She only asked for a woman to waste time. She's cooperating just enough to get through the psych hold. House: Put some lipstick on Chase and start chelation therapy. Confirm with another urine test. (The team stares uncertainly at House) Okay. I'll go talk to Cuddy. Maybe she'll let us borrow a dress too. (House leaves the conference room) [Cut to House entering Cuddy’s office. She is sitting at her desk, but she pointedly ignores him] House: Ahe–ahem. Cuddy: This would be me ignoring you. (finally looking up) What if we got arrested last night? And whatever happened to keeping our professional and personal lives separate? House: I'm not the one talking about our relationship at work. Cuddy: What's behind your back? [House pulls out the small stuffed penguin and hands it to her] House: Peace penguin. Cuddy: What room should I return it to? House: 243. I need some help with Alice Tanner. She wants a vagina. Cuddy: I'm pretty attached to mine. I told you to hire a temporary replacement for Thirteen two weeks ago. House: I've been busy. Cuddy: Doing what? House: You. So you'll talk her out of it? Cuddy: You'll hire a woman doctor? House: You think we just sit around talking sports and belching and farting when the chicks aren't around? (he burps) By when? Cuddy: Next week. House: Next week it is. (He leaves) [Cut to Alice’s room where Cuddy is now talking to her. Christina is sitting beside the bed] Alice: What makes you think it's Mercury? Cuddy: Your symptoms. Now I can perform the procedure myself if you still prefer a woman doctor, but the team you have is our best. Alice: That's an interesting perfume you're wearing. Cuddy: It was a gift. Alice: From Dr. House? It was all over him last night. Cuddy: If you'd prefer another female doctor, I can arrange that as well. Alice: I also smelled it somewhere else more recently. Faint, but unmistakable. You should have worn a different cardigan this morning, Christina. Something you'd like to tell me, dear? Christina: When I found you yesterday, I thought I was too late. I talked to them so I could help you get better. I just don't want to see you suffer anymore. Alice: That won't be a problem. You're fired. Cuddy: This woman cares about you. If it weren't for her— Alice: I wouldn't be here now, would I? I should have done it yesterday. Cuddy: I understand that you're in pain, but lashing out isn't the answer. Treatment is. Alice: I agree. Send the men back. At least they're not a bunch of dewy-eyed cry-babies. [Cut to House’s office. House is sitting behind his desk, and is wearing a bright headlamp as he examines the typewriter ribbon through a magnifying glass. Wilson peers over his shoulder] Wilson: What's that? House: It's the new Jack Cannon novel. Suggestions? Wilson: Yeah. Stop. It can't be done. House: People wonder why you've never cured cancer. Wilson: Did you get this before or after your date with Cuddy? House: Eh, probably would have been a wiser choice. Wilson: Huh. This is actually good, House. (He walks around to the front of the desk) She's committing crimes. What does that tell you? House: I'm a horrible influence. Wilson: True. A horrible influence she's reaching out to. She's looking for ways to connect. Sure, they're self-destructive, juvenile, and insane, (sitting down) but so are you. You do have something in common. You're both trying to find things you have in common. House: And not finding them. (Wilson sighs) [Cut to Alice’s hospital room] Jack: (playing with his yoyo) You don't look so hot. Want to talk about it? Alice: Those days are over. [As Taub and Chase approach Alice’s room to perform the chelation therapy, they see Alice talking to herself. They enter the room] Chase: Who were you talking to? Alice: Myself. Taub: If you're seeing things, it could be another symptom. Alice: It's not. It's only in my imagination. I make things up for a living. [Chase picks up Alice’s chart and walks to the side of her bed] Chase: And talking to them? Alice: It's a writer thing. We're also good at reading people. Like you, for instance. Recently divorced. You slept with a girl last night. Her place, not yours. You probably won't return her calls. Chase: (clearly impressed) That... How? Alice: The tan line from your former wedding ring. You stink of smoke, but no yellow on your fingers or teeth means she's the smoker. And you either didn't shower or change. Either way, her place. Chase: (pointing to Taub) Do him. Taub: We're wasting time, which is her main goal here. (to Alice) Need your arm for this. Alice: You remind me of my ex-husband. A cute man, but problems in the bedroom department. Taub: Not even close. Alice: The ones I caught him in. He cheated on me every chance he could. The first time with my best friend. The second... The bastard. [Alice suddenly grabs her head and slides down on the bed, groaning and in pain] Taub: BP and heart rate are spiking. Chase: Must be an allergic reaction to the chelation agent. Taub: I didn't give it to her yet. [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. The team is eating lunch. There are Chinese food containers and drink cups on the table. House (wearing his glasses and latex gloves) has placed the typewriter ribbon between two layers of paper, and is rubbing the top layer with a pencil, trying to create an image of the text] Chase: Pain, seizures, hyperhidrosis, and sudden onset of radically high blood pressure. Foreman: Her continuous blood and urine test came back. It's definitely not Mercury poisoning. Clean. Chase: Could be hemolytic uremic syndrome. [House pulls the paper away from the ribbon and holds it up to the light, trying to read the impression he just made] Foreman: It's not. There weren't any blood or protein markers in her urine, either. Taub: We also caught her talking to herself. She could be delusional. [House has put the paper aside and is now examining the ribbon itself. He appears to be completely disengaged] Foreman: She's a writer and a recluse. I'd be more surprised if she didn't talk to herself. (to House) You done playing with your ribbon? House: What was she doing when it happened? Chase: Sitting in bed. She claims it was only in her imagination, but still. House: When her BP spiked? Chase: Comparing Taub to her ex-husband. She really hated the guy. [House puts the ribbon reels in a pan on the table and takes off his glasses] House: Her first symptom was when she had a gn to her head. (peeling off the gloves) Excess adrenaline could explain seizures and skyrocketing BP. Taub: A pheochromocytoma. House: Get an MRI and find it. [House takes the pan to the conference room desk and throws the gloves is the wastebasket. He looks back at the team, noticing that they have not moved. They are all still eating. He picks up the wastebasket and walking back to the conference table, hands it to Chase] House: Would you hold this? [Chase takes the wastebasket as House goes to the other end of the table and, using his cane, swipes all the food containers into the wastebasket] House: I meant now. [Cut to Taub and Chase wheeling Alice into the radiology lab. Foreman is in the control room] Alice: Have I mentioned I'm claustrophobic? Taub: Have I mentioned we don't care? Alice: Oh! Chase: What's wrong? Alice: Nothing. Just a leg cramp. [Alice grabs her leg and starts screaming in pain. Foreman comes running into the room] Foreman: Get her out of here. She's got metal in her leg. [The magnetic MRI rips the screws out of her leg causing burns and tissue damage] [Cut to the radiology viewing room where House and the team are viewing an Xray of Alice’s leg] Foreman: She has three screws in her right leg from a skiing accident she didn't tell us about. The MRI's magnetic field super heated the metal, causing third-degree burns. Skin ruptured from internal heat pressure here. (He circles the ruptures on the Xray film) Taub: It's not our fault. She signed the consent forms, denied there was any metal... [House takes the marker from Foreman and steps behind Taub, writing on the back of his lab coat] House: Normally I'd say it. Maybe this way it'll finally sink in. [He turns Taub around so that his back faces Foreman and Chase. He has written “Everybody Lies” on the back of his coat] House: She wants to die. You cannot trust anything she says. [Taub is pulling at his coat, looking over his shoulder and trying to see what House wrote on it] Foreman: Treating the soft tissue injuries in her leg cost us most of the day. We also had to replace the screws. Chase: And finding a pheochromocytoma without using the MRI could take us a week. Taub: Longer, if she doesn't stop lying to us. Or we could figure out a way to find it in the 39 hours left on her psych hold. House: We need to make her cooperate. We have to offer her something she wants. Foreman: She wants to kll herself House. House: I can work with that. [House grabs his cane and walks out. Taub is still trying to read the back of his coat] [Cut to House entering Alice’s hospital room] House: I want you to write more books. Alice: I'm done writing Jack Cannon's adventures. And when I get out of here, I'll just be done. House: Now don't you say that, you dirty birdie. (He places his cane on top of a cabinet) You know, there are easier ways to go than sh*ting yourself in the head or tearing apart a limb. (He pulls a drug bottle and syringe out of his coat pocket) And this is one of them. The best part, you'll feel so good, you won't even notice you're dad. Alice: You expect me to believe you're going to help me kll myself? House: (filling the syringe from the bottle) You're the perceptive one. You tell me. Alice: Why? House: We can't find your tumor in time without your cooperation. So I'm giving you a choice. Give us a chance to make you better, or stick this anywhere and push. (House holds up the full syringe) Alice: Why do you care about me? You think you know me because you read my books? House: No. I know pain. You think you can handle it, and one day you can't. When that happens, you either find reasons to go on, or you don't. Alice: I'm... I'm all out of reasons. House: Now. When you're pain free, you're gonna want to live and start writing again. And if I'm wrong, got a backup plan to take home with you. Alice: (taking the syringe) Okay. House: Good choice. If I were you, I'd hide that if you want to keep it. [He turns and takes his cane off the cabinet] Alice: I know the perfect place. [House turns around just in time to see Alice jam the needle into her thigh and push in the plunger] [Cut to House sitting beside Alice’s bed. The sheet has been pulled up to cover her face. She wakes and pushes the sheet down] House: Morning, sunshine. Alice: You're a real bastard. House: You were supposed to choose life. Alice: You're also an excellent liar. House: Wasn't lying about the cure. If we find and remove that pesky, adrenaline-secreting tumor, you'll get better. Alice: You better hurry. My lawyer will have me out of here this time tomorrow. House: Yeah, about that, it seems that last night you found and self-administered what you thought was a potentially lethal narcotic. Your psych hold has been extended an additional 24 hours. I know. Bummer, right? [House starts to leave, but Alice stops him] Alice: You want to know something about my book? House: Sure. Alice: Jack Cannon dies. (House looks stunned) I know. Bummer, right? [Cut to the radiology viewing room. Apparently, after she injected herself with the sedative House gave her, the team performed a PET scan, looking for the tumor. House and the team are looking at the test results] Taub: We finished analyzing the PET scans from last night. There's no sign of a tumor. Foreman: We sampled blood from six different areas looking for any spikes in adrenaline. All of them were negative. Taub: If she told us her symptoms, where it hurts, when the pain first started, we could at least focus on a specific area. Chase: Or use them to rule areas out. Foreman: She'll only lie. We're better off not even talking to her. Chase: You think you can get her to try to kll herself again? We're gonna need more time. House: There might be a way to get her symptoms without asking her. If writers write what they know. Foreman: I thought you said it was about a boy Detective. House: And his mentor, Aunt Helen, who happens to be around the same age as Alice. Answers could be in the book. Taub: Great. You finish reading your typewriter ribbon yet? House: Look for the tumor with the ultrasound. [Cut to radiology, where House is laying out sections of the typewriter ribbon onto the MRI table. Sam is watching him] Sam: I drove across town to treat a ribbon? House: That's why I prefer lying. It makes things easier. Wilson: (entering the room) Whatever he has you doing, stop. House: (to Sam) You told him? Sam: We do live together. I generally tell him when I show up at his work. [Sam and Wilson kiss] Sam: He told me it was a matter of life and death. House: It is. Patient wants to kll herself. Wilson: He's just trying to read a book, the latest Jack Cannon: Boy Detective. Sam: Alice Tanner is your patient? House: (excitedly) You're a "fannon" too? Sam: (also excited) I'm team Deacon. House: Oh, come on. Why can't she love them both? Sam: The typewriter keys should have left impressions on these ribbon fibers. They would also remove a layer of ink. It's just a question of tweaking the software, really. [Sam goes into the control room and House pushes the button to move the table into the MRI machine] Wilson: Does Cuddy know you're using the MRI for this? House: Let's say yes. [House grabs a notebook and both he and Wilson join Sam in the control room] Sam: (to House) So do you think Jack finally hooks up with Sarah in this one? House: No. Debbie Wright is his true love. Sam: She's dad. House: Presumed! All we really know is— Wilson: There are actual patients waiting to use this machine. [There is a beep and the words from the ribbon begin to appear on the monitor] Sam: Congratulations. It's a book. [Cut to House’s office. He is sitting by the balcony doors, using the sunlight to read the printed pages of the book. Other pages are spread out on the floor and on top of the TV. Cuddy enters and looking at the paper on the floor, steps around them until she reaches House] Cuddy: Wilson just told me we're going on a double date with him and Sam tonight. House: You don't like double dates? Cuddy: I'd just like if you'd ask me first. House: You don't like surprises? Cuddy: Is this Alice's book? House: Sam reprogrammed the MRI to read Alice's typewriter ribbon. Cuddy: You used a 3 million dollar piece of hospital equipment so you could read a novel? House: Cool, right? [House pushes his office chair over to his desk and begins to write something on the pages he was reading] Cuddy: Well, as your girlfriend, I'm impressed. As your boss, you're a jackass. Don't do it again. House: As your boyfriend, I thank you. As your employee, I resent you, because I need this for my case. Cuddy: As your boss, you just got six more clinic hours next week. (House glares at her) So, what's the plan for tonight? House: Whatever you want. Cuddy: I don't care. Just pick something we'd both enjoy. House: Yeah? And what would that be exactly? Cuddy: I don't know. You know what I like. I got to get back to work. [Cut to Chase and Foreman performing the ultrasound] Chase: Found something. It's not a tumor. Whatever it is, it's encased around her heart. [Cut to House’s office. He is wearing his glasses and completely focused on reading Alice’s book] Chase: She has a pericardial effusion. Taub: Which wasn't there last night when we did the PET scan. Foreman: She's getting worse, and there's no sign of a pheochromocytoma. Seizures, sweating, rapid blood pressure, and an effusion point to something viral. Chase: Or maybe a cancer. [House appears to be unaware of their presence] Foreman: We could use your opinion, House, or at least your attention. House: (taking off his glasses and looking up at them) Jack Cannon is not dad. It's worse. Ten books leading up to a final confrontation. She ends it on a cliffhanger. Who does that? Taub: People who want to sell you the 11th. [House picks up his cane, rises from the chair and starts ranting about the book] House: She was gonna kll herself. This is the final Jack Cannon. Nothing gets resolved. Who's his father? Who klled his brother? How'd he get that damn scar on his cheek, and why is he obsessed with yo-yos? Chase: Is there anything in it that pertains to our case? House: Yeah. I know why she wanted to kll herself. [House turns the whiteboard around to face them and, picking up the marker, starts writing down symptoms] House: His mentor, Helen Rutherford, has contracted a serious illness, which consists of joint pain, fatigue, sensitivity to light, and depression. Foreman: How do we know this mentor character's really Alice? House: Helen dies halfway through the book. sh*t herself in the head... to save Jack from having to care for her. Taub: If we add those to the symptoms we've seen and the pericardial effusion... it's lupus. House: Can't be lupus. Chase: Why not? House: It isn't curable. Foreman: That's... not an answer. It's treatable. We'll start testing to see which drugs she best responds to. House: We're not gonna be able to take her pain away. She's still gonna kll herself as soon as she gets released tomorrow. I can't let Jack Cannon end this way. Chase: We're treating a patient... not a book. House: Retest to confirm. (He leaves his office) [Cut to an indoor go-cart track. House and Cuddy stand watching the go-carts race around the track] Cuddy: (looking at House with disbelief) Go-carts? Really? Heard over the Intercom: Wilson, party of four. You guys are up next. House: Your mom said you loved go-carts. Cuddy: You called my mother. I loved them when I was 12. Sam: (holding up a green helmet and calling to them from the go-cart parking area) This is so cool! I haven't done this since I was 12! Winner picks the restaurant. Wilson: I have a very bad feeling about this. [Cut to the double daters, helmeted, buckled in and ready to race. Sam and Wilson are in the front, Cuddy and House behind them] Fun Stop Attendant: (walking between them onto the track) Are we ready, racers? (He stops and turns to face them, raising the starting flags) On your marks, get set... (He lowers the flags) And go away. [Sam is very aggressive and bumps into Wilson before they barely get started] Wilson: (to Sam) Hey! Watch it! House: (looking over at Cuddy) You having fun? Cuddy: (grinning back at him) You know who wins these races? The person who weighs less! Wilson: My parents never let me drive one of these! Sam: Yeah! I can tell! [Sam rams into Wilson again] Wilson: Oh, my God! Oh! [Sam rams Wilson yet again] Wilson: Oh! [Wilson loses control and crashes into the side barrier, going off the track] House: Whoa. Cuddy: What is her problem? House: She hates Jews! Cuddy: Never... again. [Cuddy pulls ahead of House and tries to overtake Sam. Sam bumps into Cuddy, who bumps her back. They continue bumping each other until Cuddy gets the upper hand and pulls ahead of Sam] House: That a girl! Sam: (frustrated that Cuddy is now out front) Ohh... uh... [Sam hits Cuddy hard on a curve and she swerves to a stop as Sam and House continue on around the track] Cuddy: (rubbing her shoulder where the seat belt has cut into it). Ooh. Ahhh. [House laughs evilly as he tries to overtake Sam] House: Hoo hoo hah hah hah! [House catches up with Sam and they go back and forth for a bit, taking turns with the lead, but Sam finally manages to get, and keep, the lead] Sam: See you at the finish line! House: Oh, yeah? [House pulls his deaths-head cane from the side of the go-cart, kisses it, then uses it to reach over and pull the electrical plug on the back of Sam’s go-cart. Without power, her go-cart slows to a crawl] [House continues on around the track and raises his arms in triumph as he crosses the finish line alone] House: Yes! [Cut to House putting his helmet on the parked go-cart and picking up his cane] Fun Stop Attendant: (yelling at them as they leave) Hey! You're banned for life, mister! Your Fun Stop privileges are officially revoked! You, too, blondie! All of you — get out! House: I avenged my Lady. Cuddy: (rubbing her shoulder) Seatbelt nearly broke my neck. I'm done for the night. House: It's not my fault Wilson's attracted to psychos. Cuddy: You picked the place. [House stops as Cuddy goes on ahead] Wilson: That's just the pain talking. House: (having the “ah-ha” moment about Alice) Oh... wow. [Cut to Alice’s hospital room. She is asleep, but House wakes her up by poking her with the head of his cane] House: It was a car crash. Not a skiing accident. Alice: (still half asleep) What? House: Screws in your leg. Alice: You got me. I'll be going back to sleep now. House: You damaged your thyroid gland in the crash when the shoulder strap cut into your neck. You don't have lupus. What you have is curable. Alice: Go away. House: I read your book. Sucks, by the way. Alice: Nice try, but impossible. [House puts down his cane and picking up the Jack Cannon manuscript, sits down on the side of Alice’s bed and starts reading it to Alice] House: Helen Rutherford kills herself because she feels useless and doesn't want to be a burden. [Alice sits up, grabs the stack of papers from his hands and starts reading them] House: Just like you do now. You have hypothyroidism. That's why you feel so tired and worn out. With medication, you'll feel 20 years younger. Or whatever age you were the last time you didn't want to kll yourself. Alice: (shaking the manuscript pages) How did you— House: You can finish the story the right way... The way Jack Cannon deserves. Alice: You think you know what Jack deserves? House: I know that he deserves better than what you gave him. [Alice, angry now, grabs the front of House’s jacket in both hands and starts to shake him] Alice: You don't know anything about him! Why can't you just leave me— [She stops, lets go of his jacket, and falls down sideways onto the bed. House picks her up and straightens her out on the bed] Alice: What did you do to me? I can't move. I can't move anything. [Cut to House and the team gathered in the hallway outside Alice’s room] House: How can I be right and wrong? I deduced the car accident because thyroid fit the symptoms. But a damaged thyroid wouldn't explain the paralysis. How can I be wrong about the thyroid but right about the accident? Taub: What if you're not? House: I like the way you think kid. Taub: At least not completely. Post traumatic syringomyelia from a 15-year-old car crash. Slowly growing over the years, pressing against her spinal column. Causes pain, fluctuating blood pressure, seizures. Foreman: And if untreated, eventually leads to paralysis and death. Taub: We find it and remove it. She should be able to regain full function. Chase: If we can get her medical records from back then, we can use them to pinpoint the location. House: Do it. Taub: We're dad on our feet. I've barely slept in four days. House: Aw... that's sad. You know what's even sadder? Thirteen was the only man on my team. Foreman: Yeah, it'd be nice if you hurry up and hire someone to fill her spot. House: (to Foreman) Do it. Cuddy wants it to be a girl. Foreman: There are a couple of people— House: I was talking to Chase. I was just looking at you to screw with you. [Cut to House asleep in the Eames chair in his office. Foreman, Taub, and Chase have just entered. Foreman clears his throat to wake up House] House: I'm meditating. Foreman: From where we're standing, it looked like sleeping. Chase: We can't find her old medical records. House: You woke me up for that? Foreman: We woke you up because it doesn't matter. Alice is refusing any more treatment. She doesn't want the surgery. Taub: She kicked us out. House: Why would she lie about the accident? Taub: Everybody lies. House: Everybody has a reason. (He picks up his cane and leaves the office) [Cut to House entering Cuddy’s office. Cuddy is sitting in one of the lounge chairs looking through a stack of papers. House perches on the arm of the chair across from her] Cuddy: I know. Alice is refusing surgery. House: She'll be dad in a few days without it. Cuddy: Which is why I've spent the last four hours trying to find a legal way to do it without her permission. Unsuccessfully. I'm sorry. House: As your boyfriend, I'm grateful for the effort. As your employee, I'm disappointed at your ineffectiveness. [House plops down into the chair so that he is sitting it in sideways, with his legs draped over the arm of the chair] House: (sighing) Why would she not tell us about the pins in her leg? Cuddy: 'Cause she wants to die. House: By having her leg ripped off? She wants to punish herself... for something that happened before she was famous, before she even started to write. I think the answer's in her old medical records. But dopey, sleazy, and uptighty can't find them. Cuddy: Maybe Alice Tanner's just her pen name. House: Your boyfriend is an idiot. Cuddy: (getting up and picking up the phone on her desk) I'll contact the National Records Archive and run the type of screws in her leg against blood type, age, and anything else I think of. House: Her first name could be Helen. Cuddy: Even better. [Cut to House entering Alice’s room. He is carrying a thick medical file] House: Don't bother to get up. You know, the way you write Jack always made him feel real to me. (putting the file down on the foot of the bed) Now I know why. Alice: Because I'm a good writer. House: He's cool, but he's awkward. He's brilliant. He makes mistakes. (propping his cane against the bed) He's funny, but sometimes he takes it too far. Sounds like a great kid. Alice: Please. Just leave me alone. House: You weren't alone in the car crash. Your son was with you, Helen. [He takes a photo out of the file and turns it around to show Alice/Helen. It is an autopsy photo of Jack after the accident. In the photo, he has a cut on his left cheek] House: The books are your way of keeping him alive. Alice: (very upset) Why can't you just let me die in peace? House: You haven't been at peace since it happened. Alice: I klled him. [The apparition of Jack is now standing at the foot of the bed] House: No, you didn't. Alice: I let him drive. He only had a learner's permit. It was raining. I deserve this. House: No, you don't. Alice: (looking at Jack) He could always get me to do what he wanted. He's always been my muse. House: (taking something else out of the file) Well, that may be true, but I've been reviewing your muse's autopsy results. It wasn't the crash that klled him. Your son had a brain aneurism. That's why he crashed. He was dad before the impact. There was nothing you could do to save him. Alice: They would have told me. House: They had no reason to dig any deeper. It was a car accident. I did. (holding up a skull Xray) It's easy to miss. (pointing) But you can see the blood buildup here. Your son would have died that day, on a bus, in school, sitting on his bed. The only thing the crash is klling is you. We need to repair that syrinx in your neck. Alice: He was my world. Writing... I could feel him with me. Jack: (putting his hand on his mother’s hand) It wasn't my fault, mom. Alice: (looking at Jack) And it wasn't mine. [As the camera sht widens, it is revealed that Jack is gone] [Cut to House in the observation room above the OR where Alice is having the surgery. Cuddy joins him] Cuddy: Her son didn't have a brain aneurism. House: Nope. She shouldn't have let him drive in the rain. Jack was never very coordinated. Cuddy: As your boss, I am opposed to you lying to a patient. As your girlfriend, I'm glad you care. House: I don't. I just wanted to save Jack Cannon. Cuddy: Well, I can see why you like him. I started reading one of the books you gave me. House: I find that very hard to believe. Cuddy: Why? Because I can't like something you like? We couldn't possibly have something in common? House: Because I lied about giving you the books. Cuddy: Oh. House: Oh. Wilson told you. Cuddy: Yeah. House: He's such a gossip. Cuddy: I'm not gonna dump you because we like different food or books or music. On the other hand, I might dump you if you don't talk to me when you have a problem with our relationship. House: I know you believe that now... But the fact is— Cuddy: Who cares about common? Common is boring. It's... common! I like being with you. You make me better. Hopefully, I make you better. What we have is... uncommon. And I've never been happier. [Cuddy smiles at him, trying to get him to smile. He tries, but it is only a flicker] [Cut to Alice’s hospital room. Christina is handing her a drink in an aluminum can. The door opens and House enters] Alice: Mind giving us a moment alone, Christina? [Christina leaves and House pulls up a stool and sits] Alice: I'd like to thank you. House: Great. You can dedicate the next Jack Cannon to me. Alice: I can't. House: Are you still in pain? Alice: No. You did everything you said, and more. I can finally move on. Thank you. House: Move on where? Alice: I want to write books for adults. House: What about Jack? Your last book didn't answer anything. Alice: The way I ended Jack's story is perfect. Each reader can decide what fate they want for him themselves. [House gets up at approaches the bed] House: (sounding like a whiny child) You — but that's stupid! That doesn't make any sense! Alice: How many answers do you get in real life? House: This is a book. Books have beginnings, middles, and ends. You can't just leave it on a cliffhanger — who does that? Alice: I'm sorry. His story's done. There's really nothing you can say to change my mind. House: Your son... (House looks back to see Cuddy standing in the doorway, and resists the urge to be an ass) Was very lucky to have you as his mother. (Cuddy is visibly relieved) [House turns and leaves, passing Cuddy on his way out] Cuddy: That was— House: Oh, shut up. [Cuddy smiles] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x03 - Unwritten"}	foreverdreaming
[Episode opens on a rainy night. Inside an old house, Margaret is curled up on the couch watching a horror/thriller. There are typical spooky music and creaking stairs kind of sounds.] [Margaret hears a loud creak coming from another room and turns off the TV. Looks around to determine the source of the noise and hears a door shut. She gets up to investigate.] Margaret: Billy? Is anyone here? [Hearing nothing further from inside the house, Margaret looks out the open door into the rain. Thunder claps as she looks suspiciously at the street in front of her.] Margaret: Billy? [Seeing nothing Margaret re-enters the house and shuts the door behind her. She picks up her phone, which makes a ringing sound as she speed dials a number.] Billy: Hey. Margaret: Hey. I just noticed the front door was open. Billy: Maybe you left it that way? Margaret: I don't know. I thought I heard something. I know the whole house creaks, but I was just — Billy: If you have any doubts, go to the Cassano's. I'm in the car. I'm a few blocks away. Margaret: No, I'm sure it's nothing. Love you. [Margaret hangs up the phone. Suddenly she hears more noises coming from the upstairs of the home. She grabs some sort of trophy from the table and, holding it upside down, like a wapon, she climbs the stairs (Rule #1 of horror movies, never go up the stairs) to determine the source of the sounds. She opens a door at the end of the hallway to discover an open window where a horizontal blind is slapping back and forth against the window. Finding nothing further she heads back towards the downstairs when another loud door slams. Margaret runs frantically down the stairs, armed with her trusty trophy. She grabs a sweatshirt from the table, turns to run out and crashes into a scruffy looking man in a hoodie. He pulls his hood back and Margaret sighs in obvious relief.] Margaret: Oh! Uh, the–the door banged shut. I'm sure it was just the wind. Oh, God. Billy: It's okay. It's okay, it's just me. [Margaret collapses to the floor and begins vomiting.] Billy: You all right? [Margaret moans in agony.] Margaret… hey… Margaret! You okay? [Margaret vomits again.] Margaret: Oh–oh, my stomach! Oh… [Opening credits roll] [Scene opens with House waking up in bed naked though sadly covered from the waist down. My imagination works great so in my head he's completely naked, but I digress. House looks over at the other side of the bed and strokes the empty pillow and sheets, smiles and sprawls across the width of the bed.] [The scene moves to Princeton Plainsboro where House is arriving to work. He walks past the glass in the diagnostics office and spots a cute blond doctor sitting in the formerly vacant seat. House steps into the office and…] House to Chase: I get it. You're jealous of my new cane, so you hired a new doctor that you could lean on. Chase: Exactly. Nothing to do with the fact that you instructed me to hire one. Dr. House, this is Dr. Kelly Benedict, your new fellow. [She stands and offers her hand, which he ignores.] Kelly: Nice to meet you. Um, I just finished my psychiatry residency at St. Jude's. And I loved studying the mind, but I thought I could make more of a difference, or at least — House with a bemused grin: Man, you're hot. I mean, seriously. Foreman interrupting: 30-year-old female — [waves blue file folder at House] House: I know what you're thinking. She looks like Cameron, and he's hired her solely to sleep with her. Taub: No, none of us were thinking that. House: Well, you should have. But you'd be foolishly wrong. Yes, he's been dating at a near-Clooney pace recently, but at this point, the only hole he's trying to fill is the one in his soul, which means it's the emotional connection with Cameron that he misses. Did you ever marry a dying man? And if so, did you freeze his sperm? Kelly: Okay, so Cameron's his ex. But sperm… [confusion crosses her face] Chase: She's not like Cameron. House: Then why'd you make her wear Cameron's clothes? Kelly: [looks at her wardrobe and frowns] No, I'm wearing my own clothes. Foreman: 30-year-old female. Severe vomiting and abdominal pain preceded by three days of moderate pain. Slightly elevated LFTs. Taub: Could be lead poi — House: Uh, uh, uh! If I know Dr. Shameron — and I think I do — she'll want this chance for a little stuff-strutting. [House sits on a chair and props his leg up. Chase gives him the patient file which he closes and puts on the table. He looks expectantly at Kelly with a smile on his face.] Kelly [with confidence]: Okay, hepatitis "A." Foreman: Serologies are negative. Kelly: Right… [with slightly less confidence] Appendicitis — Foreman: That hasn't ruptured by now? It's hepatic fibrosis. Taub: At the risk of having Foreman snark at me too, lead poisoning could also work. House: Liver angiogram to check for fibrosis. Search the home for heavy metals. [to Kelly] What's your position on the legality of illegal break-ins? Chase: That's more of a second week type activity. We'll do the angiogram. I'll meet you in radiology, third floor. [Kelly looking a little crushed leaves the room. House twists in his chair to ogle her as she leaves.] Chase: She was nervous. Give her a break. Oh… And she's not like Cameron. House: True. Cameron had much smaller breasts. By which I mean she was smarter. [Scene changes to House and Wilson in a Motorcycle shop. House is presumably looking to replace his old bike and begins the appraisal of the various hogs and choppers the store has to offer. (In this humble person's opinion, none of them were that great). “Ride Free” by Jonny Kaplan and the Lazy Stars plays.] Wilson: How are things going with Cuddy? House: Great. We've gotten to fifth base. That's two home runs, and then she gives me back a triple. Wilson indicating a truly horrendous red white and blue chopper with apehangers: I could see you on this one. House: Am I wearing a dashiki? [Wilson chuckles] Easy Rider auditions ended four decades ago. Wilson: Are you sleeping over there yet? House: Nope. She comes over, we hook up, she leaves. Wilson: Whose idea was that? House: Mine. But I let her think it's hers. That's the fun of a relationship. You get the sex, the dinners… video game partnership. I also get a full-night's sleep. Wilson: Okay, taking it slow. That could work. You are spending time with the kid? House: As little as possible. That is one boring child. Wilson: House, she's a toddler. House: I know. I'm grading on a curve. It's that bad. Wilson: Oh, you think you were the scintillating wit at two and a half? House: I wasn't trying to eat shoes. Cuddy could have adopted a golden retriever. Wilson: Oh, yeah, things are definitely going great. House: We'll get to it when we get to it. [House walks away and looks at a couple of bikes.] Wilson: You really like these, or are you just avoiding a touchy conversation? House: Nah. [pointing with his cane] This one's too metrosexual. This one's too heterosexual. Wilson: They're identical! Do you even want my input? House: No. Wilson: Then why did you invite me? House: Who'd drive my car home if I buy a bike? [Scene moves forward to Chase and Kelly in a procedure room with Margaret. Blue scrubs, lights, masks, the usual.] Chase: You did fine. House is just trying to get at me. And he's wrong, by the way. I hired you because you're the most qualified applicant. Injecting dye. Kelly: Dr. Foreman didn't seem to like me either. Chase: Oh, well, he takes a little while to warm up. In my case, I'm hoping year seven does the trick. Tapering cutoff in the left branch of the hepatic artery. Chase squinting at an anomaly on the screen: Tumor? Kelly: Looks more like scar tissue. From what, surgery? Chase: Probably. Look at her rib cage. Kelly: She broke, what, five or six bones at some point? She didn't tell us about this? Chase: No, she didn't. [Scene switches to Foreman and Taub in Margaret and Billy's home as they investigate for lead poisoning candidates.] Foreman: I checked the pipes and the paint. It's not lead poisoning. You got anything? Taub: Yeah… I was looking around in the corner over there. I found a question about why you have a problem with our new doctor. Foreman: Sorry, we should all be super-polite in the DDXs, fail to correct each other, and then treat patients for diseases they don't have. Taub: Dude, is this about Thirteen? Foreman: [Scoffs] No. Why are you calling me "dude"? Taub: Maybe it's hard seeing House replace her when you've still got feelings. Foreman: One, I don't have feelings for Thirteen beyond friendship. Two, it's a temporary replacement. And three, dude? Taub: It felt right. [shrugs] Foreman: The day the patient collapsed, she say where she was working? Taub: Cleaning job in Summit, then she went straight home. Foreman: Then why's she got a credit card receipt for lunch from a cafe in Trenton? [Scene swaps back to the hospital room.] Margaret: I'm not hiding anything. I just got the days wrong. I worked in Trenton on Tuesday. I worked in Summit on Monday. I guess it slipped my mind. Billy: And breaking eight ribs? That slip your mind too? Margaret: You know how I was on the cycling team when I was at U Mass? Well, during training, I fell off my bike… right onto a sprinkler head. Foreman: Why didn't you tell us? Margaret: It was ten years ago. I didn't think it could be related to my stomach problems. Chase: We're going to need to see the records from the operation. Margaret: You think it is related? Chase: The strange stuff we found in your liver, it's probably hepatic fibrosis, but it could also just be a screw-up from the old surgery. Margaret: The operation was done at the University Hospital. Hopefully they still have the records. [The next scene opens in House's bedroom. Cuddy is collecting her stuff and getting dressed.] House: Come back. Just one more time. You'll love it. Cuddy: My wrists are tired. House: [He’s in bed, playing a video game and not looking at her.] I can't defeat the new Decimator 98 all alone. Come on, we're a team. Cuddy: You understand, right? The babysitter's leaving in half an hour. [Video game alarm sounding] House: Oops, you're right. Scram. I've got a massage coming by in five. Cuddy: It was at that moment she realized the romance was already gone. [Cuddy goes to kiss House as he continues to play the video game from Epic Fail without pause.] House: Head sht! [In the living room, Cuddy goes to the door and finds an attractive and leggy blonde woman standing at the door. She’s wearing a skimpy white tnk top and a matching skirt that is held up by prayer. She has a folding massage table in a bag slung over her shoulder.] Cuddy: Oh… Hi. Therapist: Hi [Back at the hospital] Kelly: I called U Mass. There's no record of any surgery for Margaret. Foreman: You use her maiden name? Chase: No. Kelly knows nothing about the concept of married names. It wasn't covered in her psychiatry residency. Kelly: Margaret was never even registered at the university. Foreman: Call the other hospitals in the area. Kelly: Done. Nothing. So I ran her social security number through one of those websites. Her number matches her name, but she's got no credit history until three years ago. And based on her number, she was born around 1945. She stole someone's identity. [Pagers beeping] [The team rushes to Margaret's room] [Monitor alarm beeping] Taub: Supraventricular tachycardia. 150 bpm. Chase: Carotid massage? Taub: Not responding. Foreman: Get the Adenocine. Taub: We've tried already. Taub: Get the pacemaker. We can overdrive her. [Later on House joins the group. He looms over Margaret as she regains consciousness.] House: Dorothy. Dorothy. Dorothy, dear… It's Aunt Em, darling. Margaret: What's-what's wrong with me? House: Well, on the one hand, you've got some mysterious heart and tummy problems. On the other, you look great for a 65-year-old. So who are you? And, no, that's not some weird Canadian pronunciation of "how." Billy: They're saying you changed your identity. What are they talking about, Margaret? Margaret: I don't know. House: Well, that falls in the obviously stupid lie category, which you're familiar with from the one you told us about your bike accident. You thought we'd never check? Margaret: Five years ago… I was married. Billy: Who was he? Margaret: Just a guy. I met him in high school. He was older. He… used to get jealous… do drugs. Foreman: Those broken bones? Margaret: He… he would tell me to take off all my clothes so he could inspect me. Then he would ht me. I got a restraining order, ran away, but he found me anyway. That's when he broke my ribs. So I moved away again to Arizona. Came back from work one day… He'd broken in, fed pesticides to my dog… klled her. I bought a dad woman's identity, changed my name, moved here. Foreman: Is this related to why you were in Trenton yesterday? Margaret: There's a support group for abused women at Trenton General. I go a lot. Billy: What's his name? Margaret: Please, don't do this. I don't — Billy: Just-just tell me. Margaret: Carl. Billy: Carl what? Margaret: This is why I didn't tell you. 'Cause you go confront him, he'll kll you. House: Well, I've got another name you can tell us instead. Yours. Margaret: It's Jenny. [Back in the office…] House: Now, some person seemed to think that I was not being fair to you in our last DDX because I made you nervous. So this time, I'm gonna put you at ease. It's just you and old doc House. A couple of pals chittin' the chat. [He’s pulled two visitor chairs into the middle of the room, facing each other. He slaps the seats of one with a handkerchief a couple of times as if he’s being a gentleman and dusting it off for her.] Chase: Why not just place a chair above a trap door with a shark tnk underneath? House: Wednesday is when I get my shark tnk cleaned. Also because… I'm giving her a chance. Chase: You're giving her a test. House: This whole job is a test. I'm giving her the chance to fail it sooner rather than later. Or pass. Arrhythmia and elevated LFTs rule out hepatic fibrosis. So heart and stomach. Kelly: Gastritis. House: Explains the stomach, not the heart. Kelly: Atrial fibrillation? House: Explains the heart, not the stomach. Kelly: Sorry, sorry. Cystitis. House: Explains the… nothing. Kelly: I meant cholecystitis. Foreman: It would have showed up on the physical examine. Do we have to sit here all day Chase: You got a better answer than she does, then let's hear it. House: I'm sure she's already starting to think how, if we put the symptoms together with the abusive ex, the fact that she'd just eaten, the open door… [she look blank] Rhymes with moison… Kelly: You think her ex-husband tried to poison her? Even if he found her somehow, these abusers have a pattern. He bat her with his hands. Poison's too impersonal. It doesn't fit. House: Exactly. The counterargument is woof! Taub: Her ex poisoned her dog. Kelly: Oh… right. Foreman: She said he used pesticides. He could have stuck some in her dinner. House: Treat with pralidoxime. [He leans over to look at Chase.] "A" for effort? [Foreman and Chase head to the elevator to begin treatment.] Foreman: House was wrong trying to come up with a complicated reason you hired Kelly. Chase: Thank you. Foreman: It's actually quite simple. You think she's hot. You want to sleep with her. Chase: Well, it was nice to see you finally taking an interest in my life. We should go bowling sometime. Foreman: I'm just saying if you spend all your off-work time and energy getting laid, it's gonna spill into your work as well. Chase: She's smart. You didn't interview her. Foreman: I did glance at her resume. Middling grades, middling med school. Chase: She was Editor for Rutgers' daily undergrad newspaper. That shows a lot more guts and determination than med school grades. Foreman: Uh-huh. How long did you interview her? Chase: 45 minutes, at least. Foreman: How much of that was after you decided to hire her? You saw what you wanted to see. [The team enters the patient room] Billy: This guy broke into our house? Taub: That's the theory. Margaret: I don't know. It could be true. Billy: And you didn't tell me about him because you didn't trust me? Margaret: I just didn't want you to get involved. Billy: I'm already involved. We're married. Margaret: It was the worst time in my life. I wanted to block it out. I'm sorry. Billy: I gotta get out of here. Margaret: Where are you going? Billy: I don't know. [Downstairs in the clinic] Cuddy: Hey… so I'm seeing you tonight House: Yes. And you would have even it you hadn't told me that. Cuddy: I was just wondering, your masseuse… House: Brandi. Cuddy: I'm sure I'm imagining this, although I'm not as sure now that I know her name, but she seems a little… how do I say this? I don't know. Um, a bit slutty. House: She is a hooker. If she's not slutty, she's doing something wrong. Cuddy: What? Did you have sex with her? House: Yesterday? Ah, you're getting confused by the hooker thing. No, of course not. I'm dating you. Cuddy: But you used to have sex with her. House: Well, it was a massage plus happy ending sort of thing. Now it's more of a sad ending. [overly cheerful] Because of you! [serious now] I've tried 15 different massage therapists over the last few years. I don't know why, but she's the best I've found. She makes my leg feel better. Cuddy: So you really think that I would be okay with you getting a massage from a hooker you used to have sex with? House: You don't mind the massage part, you mind the sex part, which doesn't exist anymore. Cuddy: I know a great physical therapist. I will give you her number. House: Why would I give up one who definitely works for one who might work? Cuddy: Because I asked you to. House: That's not really an argument, now, is it? Cuddy: I won't see you until you stop seeing her. [Cuddy leaves.] House: Well, that's an argument. [Chase enters the Diagnostics office. It’s dark and Kelly is at the table, reading.] Kelly: How's our patient doing? Chase: Well, she's sab, but it's too early to tell if the Pralidoxime is working. Come on, go home. You can't re-cram all of med school right now. Kelly: I'm feeling a lot of pressure here. Chase: You were the editor of your school paper. I think you know how to deal with pressure. Kelly: No, I wasn't. Chase: On your resume it said "Rutgers Daily Herald editor." Didn't it? Kelly: I wasn't head of the paper. That's called editor in chief. I was just a writer. We're all called editors. Chase: Ah. Kelly: Did you hire me because of that? Chase: Not entirely. Kelly: Look, if you're having buyer's remorse… Chase: Oh, no, uh, I'm not. You might want to check out volume two on infectious diseases. [Chase's pager goes off] Patient's husband just got admitted to the E.R. [Over at Wilson's flat. Wilson is cooking when House enters, tosses his cane on the table and sits down.] House: Let's say you had a really fantastic handyman… Wilson: I was hoping you'd interrupt my cooking to ask about handymen. Do go on. House: Would Sam ask you to stop using him because you might have had a sexual relationship with him in the past? Wilson: Ah, yes, the age-old hooker massage conundrum. Cuddy might have mentioned something about it. Let's say you're right. Completely right about everything. Give in anyway. House: This is not a point of pride. This is a point of principle. Wilson: Right, you're the Rosa Parks of hooker massages. House: The principle is she's being irrational. If I give in on this, it sets the stage for the whole relationship. Wilson: Putting up with irrationality is the foundation for every relationship. I agree with Sam when she's calling her father a monster. I agree with her when she's calling him a saint. And in exchange, I get to have sex with her. And I'm sure she has similar tradeoffs with me. Relationships are hard. You have to make sacrifices. So sacrifice being crazy. Go get her a gift and apologize. House: You finally made a good point. Wilson: Which, clearly, you have misunderstood based on how quickly you agreed. House: [leaving] The kitchen's burning. Wilson: Oh… [He turns to save the food.] [Chase and Kelly heading towards the E.R.] Chase: We've got to get you thinking like House. The husband's in the E.R. if he's got similar symptoms, it could mean environmental. Kelly: Which helps organophosphate theory. Or maybe it's an infection, which would mean we were wrong. Chase: Exactly. Kelly: Or maybe he just got sick with something else. Chase: Coincidence? Kelly: Yeah. Chase: All right, here's one big piece of advice. House doesn't buy coincidences. [Chase pulls back the curtain to find Billy. His face is pummeled and bleeding] Okay, it's not environmental. What happened to you? Billy: What's it look like? Chase: Looks like someone kicked your ass. What happened? Billy: I looked in her address book. There's a guy named Carl in Brooklyn. Kelly: She told you to stay away from him. Billy: I'm not so good at following direction sometimes. I found him, I got angry, which I also do sometimes. He said he didn't know what I was talking about. He wouldn't let me in. I got more pissed… Next thing I know, I'm on the floor and he's called the cops. Chase: You get arrested? Billy: No, he didn't press charges. Kelly: Well, you should press charges. If he tried to poison her… Billy: No, he really didn't know what I was talking about. He's just some guy that Margaret — damn it, that's not even her name — Jenny just — some guy that Jenny used to work with. I was stupid. I just assumed that the name Carl was… I just wanted to find the guy that poisoned my wife. [Chase's phone rings] Chase: What's up? Foreman: Pyrexia. 103 and rising. Chase: I'll be right up. Your wife just spiked a fever. Billy: What's that mean? Chase: She wasn't poisoned. [The scene opens to Margaret's hospital room and then moves to the office where the team continues to try to diagnose the patient. House has set up a projector screen and dimmed the lights.] Chase: What are you doing? House: Just letting you all share in the joys of my last trip to Carlsbad Caverns. Which the husband probably would have beaten up if he'd found it in the address book. [to Kelly] Would you mind standing next to the screen? Chase: Yeah, she'd love to become a target for your ridicule. House: She isn’t already? [Kelly gets up.] Foreman: Endocarditis? Kelly: Normal EKG. No osler nodes. House: Right, Dr. Kelly! Chase: Kelly's her first name. House: What's your point, Dr. Robert? Foreman: Run an echo. Kelly: I already did. No vegetations. Valves are clear. House: Snapilicious! But as I always like to say, it's better to be a helpful Helen than a negative Nelly. So while you're cooking up some ideas of your own, allow me to present theory 2.0 of why Chase hired you. Dr. Kelly, meet your doppelganger. [a picture of a diseased foot shows on the screen] Oh, no. Hold on a second. Chase: Oh, come on. House! Taub: Is that…? That's baby Chase and his mama! That's adorable! House: Never mind the baby, peep the babe. Note the cheekbones and eye shape. [House uses a laser pointer to circle them on both Mrs. Chase and on Kelly.] Taub: They do actually look alike. House: I know what you're thinking, Chase wants to sleep with his mom. But who wouldn't ht that if that looked like that? It's a classic case of what Freud called— Foreman: Stop. This isn't about Chase's mother. Chase: You're wrong. House: What do you mean he's wrong? It is about your mom? Chase: No. House: So it's about… Kelly: I'm assuming he thought I'd be a good member of the team. And on that subject, what about Legionnaire's? Taub said he saw a rattly old air conditioner in the patient's house. Foreman: I don't care if he saw her licking a petri dish of bacilli, there's no lung involvement. Kelly: All we know is we don't see it. Dehydration from the fever could hide the pneumonia. House: Okay, forget the mom theory. Go water the patient, treat for Legionnaire's. Foreman: Hey, Taub. You didn't write up the AC system. Did you mention it to Kelly? Taub: No. Foreman: Did you mention it to Chase? Taub: Yeah. Foreman: Whose idea was Legionnaire's? Kelly: Dr. Chase's. House: Well, you get major points for trying to trick me. Unfortunately, you lose 'em all for failing. Hold that. Hold that. See, now you're frowning. You can really see the resemblance. [The photo of Chase and his mom can be seen behind Kelly. She really does look like his mom.] [Foreman and Chase head out of the office and stop in the stairwell] Chase: So who gives a crap if I prepped her? Foreman: Uh, House. And that's just off the top of my head. Chase: Why are you doing this? You trying to make me look bad so you look better… or you don't like her, or you're angry at me? What? Foreman: We hire someone unqualified, it's just dad weight we'll all be pulling. Me especially. Chase: You especially why? Foreman: What do you mean why? Because I'm — Chase: You're what? You're my boss or something? Foreman: Something like. Chase: So that's what it is. You're angry that House gave me the chance to hire someone because you still think you're at a different level to everyone else. That's just pathetic. Foreman: I am at a different level. Chase: Which is reflected in what, exactly? Your title? No. Your salary? Not really. Your responsibilities? Hardly. Your attitude? Ah. I think we finally found it. Foreman: It doesn't change the fact that you made a bad decision because you want to get laid. Chase: Or the fact that you're courageously picking on Kelly because you're scared to take on House. Congratulations. You're a real leader. [Chase leaves Foreman in the stairwell and the scene moves to Cuddy's office. She is typing at her computer as the door opens and a gorgeous man enters her office.] Felipe: I am Felipe. Cuddy: Oh, you've gotta be kidding. Felipe: Dr. House was worried how you left things. He's giving you a massage. Cuddy: As an admission he was wrong? Felipe: Yes. Cuddy: Well, tell him thanks, but I have a meeting with Dr. Katz in 20 minutes. Felipe: He says you would say that, and to say no, you don't. Cuddy: Well, tell him he needs to stop canceling my appointments, because I will just reschedule them. Felipe: He says you would say that, and to say… uh… [he pulls a paper out of his pocket and reads] that "Dr. Schatz is a fat, lonely moron who, in an effort to have contact with human female, makes the same exact complaint about parking spaces every month. And you know you have to stop enabling him.” I have great fingers. [Felipe's argument is irrefutable and soon Cuddy is stretched face down on the massage table, wearing a towel over her hips, being blissed into oblivion] Cuddy: [sighs] That's so nice. Felipe: Thank you. Cuddy: How long have you been a masseur? Felipe: What is that… "masseur"? Cuddy: A massage therapist. Felipe: Oh, no, not long. Cuddy: How did my boyfriend find you? Felipe: Boyfriend? Cuddy: Dr. House. Felipe: He is your boyfriend? Cuddy: Why is that surprising? Felipe: I just mean, if he found me, I do not think he's got no girlfriend. Cuddy: Are you a prosttute? Felipe: Are you a cop? [whispers] Then no. Cuddy: Get your hands off me. [Outside the hospital Kelly engages in a bit of nic-fitting in an attempt to de-stress. Chase catches up with her.] Chase: I didn't know you smoked. Kelly: I don't. [She tosses the cigarette.] I don't mind screwing up. I've screwed up in my life, and I've gotten over it. But I'm not a cheater, and I'm not a liar. And now I feel like both. Chase: You're right. I'm sorry. You work with House and you kind of get a messed-up perspective of what's permissible in the workplace. Kelly: Maybe I should just quit. Chase: No. You're smart. You're hard-working. Kelly: Yeah, but I'm not like you guys. Chase: Use what makes you different. A lot of this job is reading people, dealing with them. You're a psychiatrist… use your skills. [Scene moves to the hospital room.] Kelly to Billy: Are you okay? Billy: I checked with Trenton General. There's no support group for abused women. Kelly: Maybe it was just — Billy: If she was lying about that, what else is she lying about? I mean, maybe she wasn't even abused. Maybe she's a criminal. Who the hell knows? Kelly: You don't know. That's the point. The way she's acting, that's the way abuse victims act. Their personalities are affected by what they went through. They find coping mechanisms. Billy: I gotta talk to her about this Trenton thing. Kelly: If you wake her up, make her feel defensive, it'll go bad. She doesn't need any more hostility or aggression in her life. Billy: Okay. [The scene switches to Cuddy confronting House in his office.] Cuddy: Seriously? A massage from a male hooker? House: He was? Huh. That doesn't bother me at all. I guess we both learned a valuable lesson. Cuddy: Except that I didn't used to have sex with him, you idiot! Plus, he was a gay hooker. House: Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a straight male hooker? [She starts to leave. He follows her.] Oh, come on. It's a massage. I don't care who gives it to you. Why not treat me the same way? Cuddy: I'm sure that some part of you believes this idiocy. But you can't possibly be stupid enough to think that you can convince any part of me. And that can only mean you're trying to sabotage this relationship. House: Why would I do that? We're doing fine. Cuddy: Because the next step from fine is serious, and you can't handle that, so you're trying to keep me at arm's length with all this crap. House: How about you? Cuddy: I have been completely open with you. House: You won't let me sleep over. You basically haven't introduced me to your daughter. Cuddy: But do you want to spend time with her? House: Honestly… before this, I'd have said no. But… yeah. How are we ever gonna be a couple if you keep hiding her from me? Cuddy: House… I need to protect her. I let you into her life, and you go away… House: Call it what it is. I'm not the only one who's holding back. [Cuddy looks forlorn as the scene swaps to Margaret's room.] Billy: Hey, baby. I am not getting mad. I'm just trying to understand you here. There's no meeting like you talked about at Trenton General. You see, it turns out that — Margaret: It turns out — the turnout— [Margaret begins completely tweaking out] The turnout… It's been turned… Billy: What? Margaret: It's turning— Billy: Hey… hey. Margaret: The turnout — the turnout is turning… [She looks around. Snakes are slithering on the floor and rats are running on the walls. Billy is transformed into a demon and Margaret begins to panic] Demon/Billy: You're going to burn. [The table burst into flames. Kelly enters.] Billy: What's happening to her? [Scene opens with House waking up in bed naked. House looks over at the other side of the bed and strokes the empty pillow. He does not smile.] [In Margaret’s room, she and Billy are talking, inaudibly. Scene switches to the Diagnostics office.] House: It's ht her brain, whatever it is. Foreman: Opacity in the left temporal lobe. Kelly: It could be nothing. House: Which would get us nowhere. So let's assume it's something. What kind of something? Taub: Abscess. Chase: Or Lymphoma or Wegeners. We'd have to biopsy it to be sure. Any of them could explain all of the symptoms. Kelly: You know, we're assuming everything is connected. Chase: Because it probably is. Kelly: But her delusions are consistent with mental illness. Bipolar disease, for example. She's 30. It could he hitting her right now for the first time. House: So her mind just happens to fall apart right after her body? Wow, I thought I was having a bad week. Kelly: I know it sounds coincidental… House: You know what, I'm back to the Cameron theory. That you hired the dumb version of Cameron so that you could fre her and get revenge. Foreman: Give her a break. House: Oh, you've switched sides? Let me guess, Chase represents the dumb version of Thirteen… Foreman: I realized if we all just keep pressuring Kelly, of course she's gonna get stuff wrong. It's irresponsible of me to let that happen. House: You are a true leader of men. Get someone to cut into her head and get me a biopsy. [Chase and Taub are in the operating room to begin the biopsy on Margaret. Chase has just gn drilling into her head. Taub looks at a monitor and grabs Chase's arm.] Taub: Chase… Chase: Just say "hold on" next time! Taub: Her temperature's normal. Chase: So what. She was on the cooling blanket. Taub: We took her off an hour ago. She should be febrile again. Chase: Tell House one of the patient's symptoms just disappeared. [In the office the diagnosis process begins yet again.] Taub: Could it be Legionnaire's and our treatment worked? Kelly: I wish, but no. We've been hydrating her, and there's still no lung involvement. Chase: So relapsing, remitting fever. Taub: Malaria. Dengue. House: Why wasn't she frozen? This morning? Put a healthy person on a cooling blanket, they'd be chilled like a fine Chardonnay. She's a nice warm Merlot. 98.6 all day. Kelly: I didn't want her to freeze. House: So you titrated the blanket. As her fever dropped, you lowered the power. Kelly: Exactly. House: So it's been on the lowest setting since when? Kelly: Yesterday afternoon. House: Which means we could have known that her fever was gone yesterday afternoon. Taub: The fever was brief. Sounds like a reaction to the medication… The antibiotics. Chase: Without vomiting? House: When did she last puke? Taub: Not since she was admitted. House: Two down. shting for three. [The team heads back to the OR. Margaret is still in the steel halo for surgery.] Kelly: You're gonna turn her pacemaker off? You sure that's a good idea? House: Nope. But it might be. [He disconnects it. Nothing happens.] No tachycardia, there's only the delusions left. If they're even still there. Kelly: Maybe it is a bipolar disorder. She's female. She's 30 — Chase: it's not a coincidence. You've gotta stop doing this. Kelly: But it could have been prompted by the physical symptoms. House: [epiphany] You couldn't be more wrong. You've got the cause and effect backwards. Start her on Haloperiodol and Lorazepam. Give it a few hours to take effect. Call me when she wakes. [An unknown amount of time passes and the team is again in Margaret's room.] Chase: Still hallucinating. House: Can you hear me? What are you looking at? Margaret: The table, it's on fre. House: If it was, think I'd be able to do this… [places hand in “fre”] without screaming for my mommy? [The flames disappear.] Margaret: Thank you. House: Don't be too impressed. It's mostly the happy pills you put her on. But she can talk to us now. The obviously stupid lie you told us about your hospital records, it turns out to have been un-obviously un-stupid. You thought you wouldn't get caught because you thought that you'd be cured and back home by the time we spoke to the other hospital. Because you knew what was wrong with you. Your doctor was treating you with Risperidone, right? That's why you were in Trenton. You got the stomach pain, you went to see him, he wanted you to taper off. Billy: Her doctor's not in Trenton. House: Not the one you know about. If you haven't figured it out by now, your wife has a secret. Billy: What the hell is he talking about? Is it about your ex? House: The ex was not so much a secret, more of a lie. Billy: You weren't married before, were you? Margaret: I'm sorry. I didn't want you to know about it. Billy: Know-know about what? House: She's sick. She's been sick for years. Maybe it put you on the streets. Maybe that's where you got the broken bones. She's only suffering from one condition. Everything else is side effects of the drug that was treating it. She stopped taking the drug, the side effects faded. But the underlying disease is still there. Why don't you tell your husband. Margaret: Billy… I'm schizophrenic. House: That's the kind of thing that a recent psychiatric resident might have figured out. [Outside the patient room House is writing up the chart as Billy approaches.] Billy: What the hell am I supposed to do now? House: Nothing. Her physical symptoms are gone. We'll put her on a different anti-psychotic for the mental ones. You can take a nap. Billy: This is not who I married. House: Of course she is. You just didn't know it. Billy: I don't know if I can stay with her. House: Sorry, as your marriage counselor, I'm not allowed to talk to you without your wife present. [He heads for the elevator. Billy follows him.] Billy: Just-just tell me how hard it would be for us to handle this. Medically. House: Look, if you want me to give you a reason to leave her, fine. Apparently you haven't noticed, but she's got a serious mental illness. Billy: It's too hard. House: It's always hard. [House enters the elevator. The doors start to close but open again as Chase enters. A pensive Billy stays behind.] Chase: Okay, so I made a mistake. Kelly will make a fine doctor, but she's not ready for the team. House: Up to you. Chase: What? You like her now? House: Nope. But she got me to the right answer, which none of the rest of you did. If you want to give her another sht, go for it. Chase: Okay. I will. House: Great. It'll make it easier for you to sleep with her. [He leaves the elevator, talking over his shoulder to Chase.] Come on, why else would you have hired her? Chase: [leaning so he can see House as the elevator doors close on him.] That's not why I hired her! [Musical montage to Doug Paisley’s “End of the Day.”] [Billy watching Margaret from outside the room, enters room, looks in on her and holds her hand and pets her head while she cries.] ♪♫ At the end of a long, long day, ♪♫ Come go with me in the blue and the gray. ♪♫ There's no up there's no down, [Switch to Cuddy’s office] ♪♫ And there's no way around, Cuddy: What are you doing? ♪♫ At the end of the day. House: I got bored with the p*rn on my computer. You got any girl on girl on girl on vibrating object on girl stuff? I wouldn't have to do this if you gave me the name of that physical therapist you like. Cuddy: You done with Brandi? House: Ehh… Knobby hands. Cuddy: I will get you the name. Let's stay at my place tonight, okay? House: Will you get cable? Cuddy: No. House: Then we'll have to have more sex. Cuddy: Okay. [Switch to locker room. Kelly is cleaning out her locker.] ♪♫ When the well runs dry, ♪♫ I will cross to you. Chase: What are you doing? Kelly: Quitting before House fires me. ♪♫ There's no up there's no down, ♪♫ And there's no way around, Chase: Hold on. Kelly: We both know he is. But maybe there's a bright side. ♪♫ At the end of the day. Chase: What? Kelly: You really looked out for me. You seem like a really good guy. And… I never date anybody who I work with. But… Chase: Yeah… Sorry it didn't work out. You want to get dinner tomorrow night? [Kelly smiles and nods] At the end of the day [Scene changes to Cuddy’s house. She and House are eating dinner. Rachel is in a high chair between them.] ♪♫ Your heart it is worn. You’re a bleeding machine ♪♫ A ghost hand lifts you up out of your dreams ♪♫ See the sunlight combed on the shapes at the fray Cuddy: You want some more meat? House: This is meat? [She smiles.] Yes, please. [He hands her his plate and smiles.] ♪♫ I’m gonna get by ♪♫ I’m gonna get through ♪♫ When the well runs dry ♪♫ I’m gonna cross to you [House takes a sip of wine and looks at Rachel. She has picked up his cane and is chewing on the handle.] House: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, kid. Come on, come on. Come on. Come on. [He gently pries the cane from her hands and mouth.] Hey, hey, hey. [He looks at the slobbery handle and cleans it off with a napkin. He looks back at Rachel who is picking food off her tray with her hands and eating it.] ♪♫ There's no up there's no down, ♪♫ And there's no way around, ♪♫ At the end of the day. House: [sourly] Aren't you adorable.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x04 - Massage Therapy"}	foreverdreaming
[The cap of a home-video camera obscures our view. We hear Abbey moaning] Dr. Taylor: Okay, you're doing good. You're doing good. Abbey: You've still got the thing... [the lens cap is ripped off to reveal a woman in labor in a hospital bed. The film is obviously that of a home-video.] The stupid thing is still on…? Justine: Mom, you don't have to yell at me. Abbey: I've been in labor for over a dozen hours, Justine, and I have to yell. I thought you were gonna miss the whole thing. Justine: Mom, it's a three-hour drive. Abbey: That's why I called you yesterday after my water broke. [she moans again] Justine: I'm sorry. A partner just dropped a brief on my desk. Dr. Taylor: Okay, you're doing good. Abbey: Yeah, right. I remember what it's like, but family comes first. [groans] Dr. Taylor: I need you to keep pushing. I can see her head. Nurse: All right, come on. We're doing good here. Abbey: Get this. This is what I wanted. Justine: Gross… Nurse: You're crowning. Abbey: Are you getting — getting this?! Justine: Kind of. Well, not the actual vagina. Abbey: It's your baby sister! Justine: It's my mother's vagina! Abbey: Aaaaah! Dr. Taylor: Freeing the shoulders. Abbey: Aaah! Dr. Taylor: Here she is — oh my God! [monitor beeping rapidly] Dr. Taylor: Get the NICU team in here. Baby's hypoxic. Justine: Is something wrong? Abbey: What's going on?! Justine: I don't know, mom. Abbey: My baby! How's my baby? Justine: What are you doing? [Overlapping noise as the NICU team rushes into the room] Abbey: What are they saying? Justine: I can't tell. Abbey: Find out what's going on! Dr. Cheng: You need to back up. Turn that off. Nurse: She's not responding. Abbey: What's happening? [a hand partially obscures the camera lens] What's wrong with my baby? [the camera swings downward towards the floor] Why doesn't someone talk to me?! [Opening credits] [Several patient files are tossed onto the table in the diagnostic room] House: Cancel your dinner plans. [Taub, Foreman, and Chase open the files] Short on medical history. She's only eight hours old. What she's not short on is doctors. Unfortunately, none of them have been able to solve her breathing problems. Foreman: Immature lungs? Taub: Full term, and they gave her surfactant. Looks like they're fully developed. [Cuddy enters the room and walks over to House] Cuddy: I need you a minute. [she heads into House's office] House: [brief pause] Silent reading time till I get back. [he follows Cuddy] Cuddy: My nanny called. Her daughter has a dance recital tonight. She can't work late. [House eyes her in confusion] And I have a board meeting tonight. House: [shrugs] That's a problem. Cuddy: My mother can't come. She has a cooking class. House: Oh, you've really got a problem. Cuddy: [sarcastically] If only there were... some mature adult in my life who could pinch ht in emergencies like this. House: Love to, but I'm catching up on my back issues of Nudist Circus. You should see what the fat lady's got under her big top. Cuddy: All I need is a warm body. She'll be asleep the entire time. House: I got a sick baby here who needs me. Yours is healthy. Cuddy: You could deal with your team by phone. House: How about a little something extra when you get home? Cuddy: I'm not bargaining sex for babysitting. Besides, you owe me. House: For what? Cuddy: Sex! I still don't see a female doctor in that room. It's making me very unhappy. House: Fine. Out of the goodness of my heart, which will make you happy, which will make you desire me more, which will turn into more sex. Cuddy: Be at my place at 7:00. [House re-enters the diagnostic room] Taub: The sperm donor card from the father did note a history of asthma. House: What if her lung problems are not coming from her lungs? Foreman: Her heart looks fine. Chase: Her liver enzymes are elevated. House: When the liver fails, it stops producing proteins. Specifically the ones that keep your plasma inside your blood vessels and outside your lungs. Fix the liver, she'll have enough breath to keep the entire ward up all night. [the team begins to get up] Foreman... you need to stay after school. [the remainder of the team leaves the room] I apparently need to apologize. Last week, I should not have gone over your head and allowed Chase to hire a new team member. So go hire someone who liked The Bridges of Madison County. Foreman: Do you want me to hire a white girl? House: Go find a woman, and wipe that self-satisfied grin off your face. Foreman: This'll be quick. I've been interviewing people all week. I have it narrowed down to two candidates. House: Well, narrow it down to one before Cuddy starts withholding sex. Foreman: [smirks] Uh, she hasn't said anything to me about that. House: I said, wipe the grin. [he leaves the room. Foreman looks after him almost affectionately.] [An animated childrens' show plays on a flatscreen TV. It apparently features a red-and-yellow cat and a dog. They fight in a sandbox.] House, VO: Yeah, she's fine. I can hear her breathing on the monitor. [the camera pans over to show him eating popcorn in front of the TV] I just checked. I'm checking every ten minutes. Fine. I'll check again. [Baby breathing on monitor. House claps the phone to his chest and leaves it there for a few seconds while he eats popcorn. Then...] [faux baby-talk] Oh, she's so cute when she's asleep. You should see this. She's–she's–she's got one hand over her head. Okay, well, you take as long as you need. [he closes the phone and gets up] [Cut to House opening a kitchen cabinet. He apparently finds nothing to eat.] [He opens another. This one contains nothing but sippy-cups.] [He opens the fridge. After looking for a minute, he takes out some orange juice and drinks straight from the bottle. He then closes the door to find Rachel staring at him. House looks back at her in silence. They stand there for a long moment.] Rachel: I'm thirsty. House: Your mommy says no, 'cause she's mean. [shrugs] If it was up to me... Rachel: Juice! House: No. Go back to bed. [she runs into the dining room instead.] I said bed! [she looks back at him mockingly and heads around the table] [House pulls out his phone and speed-dials a number] House: Wilson! Hey. [smiles] You up for a boys' night in? [Cut to Abbey's baby. Taub is preforming an ultrasound. The room is full of people in scrubs.] Taub: Believe it or not, breathing problems can be caused by a liver problem. Abbey: Then what's wrong with her liver? Taub: Probably an abscess. If we find it with the ultrasound, we can drain it, make her better. You'll be able to take her home by the end of the week. Justine: Is she bleeding? Chase: She's oozing from her IV site. It's a symptom of liver failure. It's what we would expect to see. Foreman: Dr. Cheng, we might need a unit of blood over here. Taub: Echogenic area in the liver. Can you make it out? Foreman: Doesn't seem to have the thick walls you'd expect from an abscess. Taub: Lift her left shoulder so we can get a better look. Abbey: Oh, can I do it? I haven't been able to hold her yet. Dr. Cheng: Uh, she's hooked up to too many tubes and IVs. Abbey: Can I at least donate blood? Dr. Cheng: Of course. We'll draw your blood and see if you're a match as soon as we're done here. Foreman: That's definitely not an abscess. Chase: It looks like dilated bile ducts. Abbey: What does that mean? Can I still take her home soon? [there is a long pause as none of the doctors answer] [Cut to team in diagnostic room. A new member, Dr. Christina Frasier, is sitting with them.] Taub: You were right about the liver. On ultrasound, we found intrahepatic dilated bile ducts. Extrahepatic ducts were normal. House, via speakerphone: [Soothing baby-talk] Are there any masses causing an obstruction? [Chase does a double-take.] Taub: No. [long pause. He's leans closer to the phone] Are... you okay? House: [sitting on Cuddy's couch with Rachel, attempting to calm her down] Just talking in a soothing voice. Not for your benefit. [cut back to team] Why? Is it turning you on? [Taub looks uncomfortable] Foreman: House, there's someone here I need you to meet. I just hired Dr. Christina Fraser. She's a board certified— House: Nice to meet you. [high, squeaky voice] You're fired. Dr. Frasier: ...What? Foreman: House... you're kidding, right? I've done my due diligence. She's the best there is. Dr. Frasier: What did I do? House: You had the misfortune to be the lesson that Foreman is learning. That whooshing sound is the air being let out of his ego. [Dr. Frasier sits in silence for a moment. Then she tosses her pen down on the table and stalks out of the room.] Foreman: [angrily] You are such an ass, House. You could have made the same point without crushing the hopes of a young doctor who was actually excited to have this job. House: No, I'm not sure I could have. [Chase looks tired, and Taub and Foreman dispirited] I think you give me far too much credit. Taub... [cut back to House and Rachel] it's your turn to find a young doctor who's actually excited to have this job. Taub, via speakerphone: For you to fre? House: Not until you or she earns it. [cut back to team] Dilated bile ducts could be congenital. Chase: That means that it's a stricture in the ducts themselves. Caroli's syndrome. House: So, open her up. Taub: Surgery? [he glances from Chase to Foreman in disbelief] This is a newborn with liver failure. She's oozing blood from every puncture site. It's insanely risky to open her up. House, via speakerphone: Yes. It's unfortunately also the only way to fix her. [cut back to House] So make teeny, tiny incisions with a really small scalpel. [Doorbell rings] Gotta go. [Taub hangs up] [House opens Cuddy's front door. Wilson is standing there with a bag of Chinese food, looking disgruntled] Wilson: You told me you gave them your credit card... House: And you were dumb enough to believe me. [Wilson walks into the house and sees Rachel. House picks up his jacket] Cuddy'll be back in an hour and ten minutes... I'll be back in an hour and five. Wilson: [follows House to the door] Ohhh, no, you don't. House: Oh, yes, I do. Wilson: [shocked] You're not gonna leave the kid? House: Yes, I am. [he begins putting on his coat] 'Cause unlike you, I don't have a conscience. Wilson: [tries to get past House to the door] And unlike you, I'm not having sex with Cuddy, so I actually can leave. [House parries, and they end up pressed against the door.] House [in Wilson's face] You're bluffing. [Wilson tries to speak] I'm leaving. Wilson: You're not gonna leave a two-year-old unattended. House: Sure. I'm leaving her with you. A responsible adult. [he opens the door and leaves] [Wilson peeks in at Rachel. She smiles at him from the couch. Wilson dashes out the door after House.] Wilson: Better get back in there. Kid's all alone. [they walk down Cuddy's front yard towards the street.] House: It's kind of bugging you, isn't it? Wilson: Not my problem. House: [they descend the steps to the sidewalk] Well, since, objectively, you care more about leaving a child alone than I do, it kind of is. Wilson: Objectively, since I never accepted this responsibility, it kind of isn't. [he opens his car door] House: [mounts his motorcycle] True, and yet it is. Because you're you. [Wilson's engine starts. House's motorcycle revs up.] House: I'm leaving. Wilson: I'm leaving. [They make eyes at each other while both gn their engines] House: [confidently] You're not gonna leave. You can't. [Wilson struggles with that for a minute] Wilson: [he turns his engine off and gets out of the car] Fine. You're right. [he walks up to House] You know what I can do? I can go in there and call a babysitting service for 15 bucks an hour, then call Cuddy and tell her who's watching her kid and why. House: [he considers that, then turn off his engine as well.] I'll stay if you stay. [Wilson stands there for a long moment.] [Cut to House and Wilson reentering the house. House gets into the living room first, then pauses in shocked disbelief. Wilson follows him, and also stops. The camera lingers on their stunned faces. Rachel is sitting in an explsin of popcorn, paper, cardboard, noodles, and various paraphernalia.] Wilson: [he and House still frozen] ...We were gone two minutes. [Rachel plays with something in her mouth] House: [still appearing rather shellshocked] What have you got there, sweetie? [Rachel looks amused. Wilson kneels cautiously in front of her.] House: [coaxingly] Come on now, spit it out. Wilson: Come on, sweetie. Open. [Rachel continues chewing. Wilson begins miming an opening mouth with his hand] Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah. Bah bah bah! [House kneels down beside Wilson. The camera takes them in from Rachel's point of view] Wilson: [awkward baby-voice] Open... [Rachel opens her mouth, and Wilson attempts to find whatever she was eating. She bites.] Ow! [he finally retrieves a quarter. House and Wilson look annoyed and frightened.] House: [now in the foreground] Rachel... how many coins did you eat? [Wilson nods encouragingly in the background. Rachel looks from one to the other and doesn't answer. House and Wilson look at each other.] [Cut to PPTH OR. The team is working on Abbeys baby, along with several NICU doctors.] Chase: Isolating the common bile duct. Taub: And mobilizing the distal end for cannulation. [Monitor beeping rapidly] Foreman: BP is down to 50 systolic. You've got to stop the cannulation. Taub: I haven't started yet! Cheng: ht her with a bolus of phenylephrine. That should buy us enough time to get in and dilate those bile ducts. Foreman: BP is rising. 70 systolic. Taub: Nice. I'm in the common bile duct. Cheng: Advancing past the cystic duct. No strictures or blockages so far. Foreman: BP is dropping again. Chase: Another bolus of phenylephrine. Cheng: She can't take more. The first bolus is still in effect. Foreman. BP is still dropping. We've got to pull out. We're done. Taub: I was barely in.This doesn't make sense. [The team exits the OR, still in their scrubs] Foreman: The liver problem alone is not gonna mess with the baby's BP. Whatever this is, it's got to be affecting her heart. Chase: Heart plus the liver. Could be tuberous sclerosis. Foreman: Or it could be a vascular malformation in the liver, causing both problems. Taub: So what do you guys think of Dr. Cheng? Chase: Best treatment for a vascular malformation is surgery. And I think your wife thinks you shouldn't think anything of Dr. Cheng. Foreman: No surgery. A newborn baby can't handle another trip to the O.R. Taub: I didn't mean think-think. I meant think as a... potential hire. Chase: What if we started the baby on steroids an anti-angiogenesis agent, and dopamine? Foreman: Could work just as well as surgery. Snap those bad blood vessels shut. I'll call House to get approval. [pulls out his phone while Taub and Chase continue towards the elevator.] Taub: So, what was that shrug? A "Dr.-Cheng-could-work" shrug? Or a "House-is-gonna-crush-you-for-even-consi dering-her" shrug? [Chase shrugs again. Taub is irritated] ...You suck. Chase: House is gonna hate anyone we hire, because he doesn't want to hire [gesticulates wildly] ...anyone. Taub: So you think I should abstain? Just give the decision back to him? [Foreman can be seen in the background trying to contact House] Chase: Then he'll just mock you for being a wuss. You're screwed. Taub: Unless... House feels like hiring her is his idea... Foreman: Still not answering. We should just start the treatment. [Cut to House rubbing Rachel's stomach with a fridge magnet. She giggles. Wilson enters the room, deep in calculation.] House [looks up at Wilson] She opened up a Chinese food bag to eat money. [glances resentfully at Rachel] What an idiot. Wilson: [perusing the restaurant menu] Okay... you ordered the moo shoo pork... and the orange cashew chicken, right? House: Like I always order. Did you clean up in there? Wilson [absently] Yeah. It's good enough. ...Okay, so with tax, the change should have been 68 cents. [sighs] There's only 58 cents out there. There's a dime missing. House: [shrugs] Well, he could have shortchanged you. Fridge magnet's not getting anything. Wilson: [exasperatedly] That's because it's a fridge magnet! Unless she swallowed a Canadian dime, it's not magnetic. House: Really? [Wilson nods] I mean, kids swallow things all the time, right? [Wilson shrugs] I mean, she swallowed a dime, she poops it out. She'll be fine. Wilson: Absolutely. [pause] Unless it gets stuck in her intestine and causes a blockage, which could kll her. [Door opens in the other room. House and Wilson look terrified.] Wilson [whispers] ...Then she won't be fine. You have to tell Cuddy. House; [also whispering] Well, then I won't be fine! Wilson: If you don't tell Cuddy, I will go out there and tell her myself! House: [hissing] Yeah? What are you gonna tell her? Are you gonna tell her that... you left coins out? [he advances on Wilson, who backs away] And you left her child unsupervised?! Willson [still backing up] Hey, hey, hey! You are not gonna pin this on me! [he opens the screen on Rachel's window] Rachel needs to be monitored for 24 hours to see that the dime passes. [he swings one leg out the window] You know, just to make sure she doesn't die. House : [outraged] You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out a window! Wilson: [erratic gestures] Shh! Shh shh shh shh! Tell her! [he leaves. House glaces irresolutely from the window to Rachel's crib, then heads into the hall.] Cuddy: [enters the hall] Did she wake up at all? [House looks guilty, but says nothing] House: ...One time. Cuddy: [immediately worried] That's not like her... is she all right? House: She's fine. [Cuddy smiles and kisses him] How about I stay the night? Then you can really thank me. Cuddy: I have to get up early. You won't be able to sleep in. House: I'm a deep sleeper. [Cuddy smiles and heads into her bedroom. House starts to follow her, but stops to look guiltily at Rachel's door.] [Cut to Abbey looking at her baby at PPTH] Taub: Round two. Did Justine go home? [Abbey gets up from her chair] Abbey: Said she was going downstairs for a few minutes. A few hours ago. Taub: So... you two are close? Abbey: Well, it's been getting better, actually. At least she's here in the building. That's pretty supportive for her. [Taub looks at the baby] What is it? Taub: She's pinker. Abbey: Is that bad? Taub: That's good. ...That's very good. [Baby cries] Abbey: Was that her? [Baby cooing. Taub picks her up.] Abbey: Can I hold her? Taub: I think it's long overdue. Abbey: Oh! [Justine approaches the room and watches her mother from the doorway] Ohh... My first time... Finally... Justine: Technically, it's your second time. Abbey: [looks up at her older daughter] I didn't mean— Justine: I know, mom. [she looks sad and tired] [Abbey coos to the baby, but continues looking at Justine. Taub watches them both.] [Cut to the MRI room in the pediatrics ward. The walls are covered with bright paintings. Dr. Cheng is performing an MRI on a young girl while her mother stands by. She enters the booth to find Taub waiting for her.] Taub: Looks like it was a vascular malformation. The Grogan baby is better. Dr. Cheng: Nice job! [she sits down and talks to the girl in the MRI machine] Okay, ready, honey. So stay very, very still and hold your breath. Don't move. [The girl's leg twitches] Cheng: [exasperatedly] She moved. They always move. Taub: [sits down] ...It is a good job. [Cheng nods] Diagnostics. Solve a mystery, save a life. But I suppose you're pretty attached to pediatrics? Cheng: [gestures for him to wait] I'm sorry, Ms. Young, but I'm gonna have to ask you to restrain your daughter. [pause] Now the mom's not gonna want to do it, because she'd rather I just keep blasting her daughter with radiation... [she looks at Taub] You're telling me... that there's an opening in House's department? Taub: Would you be interested? Cheng: No more kids, no more parents. One case at a time instead of seventeen? [she nods] Set up the interview. Taub: It's possible you won't need to interview. [Cheng looks at him questioningly] [Cut to Cuddy and House in bed. Cuddy is happily asleep, but House is lying stiffly on his back, wide awake.] [Rachel snuffles come through the baby monitor. House jumps up at once.] Cuddy: [Half-awake] Huh? House: [leans over her for a split-second, then leaves the room at a run] Relax, I got this. Cuddy: [bemused] Oh... thanks. [Rachel looks at House as he changes her diaper] House: [cringes at the smell] Pfft! [Rachel laughs. House puts a small light in his mouth and begins examining the contents of Rachel's diaper. Cuddy wanders in, still looking half-awake.] Cuddy: Is everything okay? House: [snatches the light out of his mouth] Yeah, sorry, I'm just... new to all this. [Cuddy looks confused and weirded-out, but accepts his explanation and leaves the room.] [House looks down at Rachel] [It's morning. House is still asleep, and Cuddy's getting dressed. She sits down beside him] Cuddy: You want me to reset the alarm? House: [opens one eye] God, no. Case is under control. I'm sleeping in. Cuddy: Your boss must really like you. [she kisses his cheek and leaves. The camera lingers on House for a moment.] Cuddy, from the other room: Hey, Marina! [House jumps up] Pasta's in the fridge for lunch... [House's phone rings. He answers it.] House: I assume, since you're calling so early, that the surgery was a rousing success. [Cut to diagnostic room, where the team is getting their morning coffee] Foreman: And I assume, since you still think we actually did the surgery, you haven't checked your messages in eight hours. Where are you? House: I believe this is what your people term a "poopy call". Foreman: [chuckles confusedly] Uh, the word is "booty". House: Well, I don't know what you're doing, but this is a poopy call. Taub, over the phone: It's not Caroli's syndrome. Dr. Cheng spotted a— House: [confusedly] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?! I know about the Jew, the black, and the croc-hunter, but when did we get our Asian persuasion on? Taub: [exasperated] Dr. Cheng... is the NICU attending on the case. And she's not here. House: Well, then I just wasted a perfectly good racial epithet. Taub: She spotted a vascular malformation in the baby's liver. House: Good call... Except for everything you just said. There's no way that our patient has a vascular malformation. [stands up from Cuddy's bed.] Chase: And you can tell that from the vast amount of information you've gleaned from not being here? House: Don't need to be there to remember that the patient's A.L.T.s were three times normal. The baby's liver damage is far too extensive. Dr. Cheng's an idiot. Taub: In fairness, it wasn't completely her idea. More of a Foreman kinda thing. [Foreman looks indignant, and Taubs shrugs at him.] House: Well, then you're an even bigger idiot for trying to cover for her. Foreman: House, we treated for a vascular malformation, and she got better! House: [pause] No, she didn't. Call me when she crashes again. [hangs up] [The team makes a variety of annoyed faces at each other.] Taub: ...That went well. [Cut to a hospital room in PPTH; Abbey hums a lullaby while holding her baby. Justine enters with her arms crossed.] Abbey: Everything okay? Come on. I know that look. Justine: I'm just... not used to seeing such emotion coming from you. Abbey: I just gave birth. I'm, like, one big vat of hormones right now. Justine: It's not just the hormones, mom! You're different with her. It's okay. It's good. It's just... I can't help thinking "where was this mom when I was growing up?" Abbey: Wow. I never realized you considered me such a failure as a mother. Justine: I don't consider you a failure. I just — [sighs] ...I never knew that there was an alternative. [Abbey looks sadly down at the baby] Hmm. I think she feels wet. Can you hold her a sec? I'm gonna grab a diaper. [whispers] Okay... [Justine takes the baby.] Justine: Mom... something's wrong. Abbey: Oh! Nurse! She's bleeding again! [The baby's entire backside is covered with blood. The nurses rush in and take her from Justine.] [Cut to the front doors of PPTH. House and Wilson sidle up and look through them. House is pushing what looks like a laundry cart and fiddling with a heap of blankets inside it.] Wilson: [quietly] All right, she's in her office. Move fast. House: [cautiously pushing the cart inside] You see a double-wide tuchus coming this way, you scream like a girl. Wilson: [nervously] If Rachel wakes up, she's gonna tell Cuddy everything. House: She's two! Last night, she was whining about the giant moose that lives outside her window. [they hurry through the lobby. Cuddy can be seen emerging from the clinic in the background.] Wilson: Medusa at 6:00! [they begin to run] Don't look back. Move, move! [Cuddy, unsuspecting, renters the clinic.] [Cut to Wilson moving Rachel onto an exam table. She wakes up almost immediately. Wilson looks taken-aback. She smiles happily.] Wilson: [awkwardly] Hello. [They stare uncomfortably at each other for a long moment.] Wilson: [puts his outspread hands up to his temples] Hello... I'm the friendly moose who lives outside your bedroom. [Rachel looks upset and pulls her shirt up over her eyes.] House: [annoyed] She hates that moose. Wilson: [rolls his eyes] Hand me the gel. [House does. His cell phone rings, and he pulls it out.] Wilson: [to Rachel] ...Okay. House: [to Taub over the phone] Make it short. And do not pardon the pun. [Wilson gestures for the ultrasound want, and House hands it to him.] Taub: [choppy and indistinct] She's crashing again. Where are you? House: [backs into the door, where a "no cell phones' sign is visible] Is it actually important that I understand what you say? Taub: What? [the call disconnects] [House hangs up and heads over to the landline while Wilson continues prepping the ultrasound.] [Line ringing] House: Yeah? Taub: The baby's bleeding again. House: I'm shocked! Oh, no, wait a minute — that's you. Taub: Yes, you're a genius.The bleeding means her liver is still failing. It's not a vascular malformation. Wilson: [looking at the ultrasound monitor] House, come take a look at this. House: Hold that thought. [he presses the phone into his shoulder and goes to stand next to Wilson.] Taub: [over the phone] House, no! I need you! Wilson: [points at the screen] Just past the ileocecal valve. House: [worried] It's nothing. It's just an irregularity. Wilson: It's a dime! House: Or a pocket of air. Wilson: Yeah, with FDR's face on it. House: That's not a face. It's a shadow. Wilson: House, the thing is perfectly round. House: Well, move the wand to the side. Rachel: [laughs] Tickles! Wilson: [baby voice] That's because I'm the tickle monster. [Rachel giggles] Wilson: Gonna tickle you even more! [to House] Look at–look at that. House: [shakes his head] We need an X-ray to be sure. Wilson: Great, just give her an unnecessary dose of radiation. It's a dime! [Pounding on door. House and Wilson jump and look at each other frantically] Taub: [from outside] House, I know you're in there! Open the door! [House and Wilson look unsure what to do] [More pounding. House finally heads to the door, while Wilson attempts to conceal Rachel with a tiny cloth.] [House opens the door a crack, and slips out, slamming it behind him. He looks nervous and sweaty.] Taub: I saw your extension on the call. What are you doing down here? House: Uh, Wilson's got a two-year-old with cancer. She's in a lot of pain. It's very sad. [Rachel giggles happily from inside the room. Taub looks at House.] House: He also has an outstanding bedside manner. [Taub still looks suspicious] Taub: ...Her liver failure is getting worse. You were right. Now what? House: The interesting question is not why she's worse now, but why she got better in the first place. Taub: Could have been something we did that temporarily relieved the— House: What'd you put her on again? Taub: After the transfusion, we gave her steroids, dopamine, and the anti — [pauses] steroids can treat idiopathic hepatic fibrosis. It would explain why she got better and then worse. House: But not the multiple dilated ducts. Wilson: [from inside the room] House, I need you back in here! [Taub looks at House pleadingly] House: Cancer kid trumps liver kid. [he enters the room and Taub tries to follow him.] Sorry. Confidentiality. There are rules, you know. [he slams the door in Taub's face] Wilson: That... is a dime. House: [looks at the monitor] It looks mobile. And it's right in the middle of the colon. Prime location for pooping out. We'll give her some laxatives to help it on its way. Wilson: [to Rachel] Sounds to me like someone's going to get some yummy chocolate. [he imitates a chewing motion with his hand, and Rachel does the same.] Chocolate. Yum-yum-yum. House: [looks at Wilson and takes the ultrasound wand back from him] You're gonna make a great mommy one day. [He gets his epiphany-face and rushes to the door. Taub is still outside.] Thanks for waiting. Hook the mom up to the baby. Direct blood transfusion. Taub: ...And what else? House: Nothing else. [He retreats into the exam room, and Taub gapes at the door.] [Cut to hospital room. Abbey is hooked up to her baby, who looks amazingly improved.] Taub: [looks at the child] It's amazing. She's pink and healthy again. House: Mother's touch. Abbey: It's a miracle. Thank you. Taub: A blood transfusion isn't a cure. House: Or a miracle. Taub: [quietly] Then why does the baby seem like she's cured? House: I have no idea. [Cut to hall outside Abbey's hospital room, where the team is assembled.] House: Our patient can either go through life with the world's longest umbilical cord, or we can discuss the differential for magic blood. [The door slides open, and Dr. Cheng walks out. Taub beckons to her.] Cheng: [smiles and approaches them] Baby's O2-stats are holding. House: Either you're Dr. Cheng, or you're early for my mani-pedi. Taub: I thought her expertise could— House: Could tell us the O2-stats. [speaks to Cheng] I hope you come with some original ideas. [Chase does a double-take.] Cheng: Either the mom's blood is special, which would mean it's treating something specific, which means the baby has a disease... Or mom's blood is just blood, and it's replacing something the baby is missing, which means the baby has a simple deficiency. [Foreman looks at House, who thinks for a long moment.] House: Given the liver failure, a deficiency of clotting factors, enzymes, or vitamins are the most likely. Dr. Cheng: So let's find out. Hook the baby up to someone else's blood and see if she gets better. House: Find a donor. Taub: I'm O Negative, universal donor. House: Hook yourself up. Dr. Cheng, hook me up. Walk with me. [they head down the hall.] My team seems to have taken a shine to you. Cheng: I like them too. House: I assume you're hanging around because you want a job. Cheng: That would be a fair assumption. House: Well, I'm gonna have to test you. Let's say, two-year-old... swallowed a coin twenty hours ago. She's gonna be fine, right? Cheng: Any signs of obstruction? House: For the purposes of this quiz, let's say "not yet". Cheng: I'd give a laxative, although I wouldn't wait too long. Her bowel could become ischemic, or worse, an intussusception. House: [look uncomfortable] Define "too long." Cheng: Another six hours, max. By then, her system is clear. If it's not out, it's not coming out. House: And then what do I do? [hastily] I mean, what do you do? It's your test. Cheng: [slightly surprised] I'd go in with a scope and get it. [pause] Did I pass? House: [enters the men's bathroom] It's not up to me. Talk to Taub. House: [to Wilson, who's giving Rachel laxative candies] Men's room? Wilson: Turns out toilets are handy in this situation. And I felt relatively sure that Cuddy wouldn't come in. House: Oh, Cuddy's been in here. Wilson: Seriously? This must be a terrible place to have s— [he cuts himself off, remembering Rachel's presence., and gestures awkwardly.] House: [leers at Wilson] Is there such a place? [brings himself back to the situation at hand.] Okay, six more hours, then we're going in with a scope and pulling it out. Wilson: Scope a two-year-old? It's dangerous. House: And as you keep pointing out, so is a dime ripping through her intestines. Wilson: Cuddy will be home from work in six hours. [sarcastically] But no big deal. I'll just scream "look over there!" while you quickly shove a scope up her daughter's rectum. House: I could offer to baby-sit again, let her have the night out. Wilson: Sure. That won't raise any suspicions. House: I wish I was nicer. [something catches his eye] Hey. Give me your radiation dosimeter. Wilson: Why? House: Because it matches my eyes. [Wilson gives up and hands him the dosimeter. House leaves.] [Cut to House huddled inside a shower stall. He's irradiating the dosimeter with a small handheld device. The radiation indicator turns positive, and he gives it a satisfied look. He takes out a small pocket-Knfe and begins scratching off Wilson's name.] [Cut to Taub monitoring Kayla. The baby looks pale and unhealthy again.] Taub: I think we can say this isn't working. We'll get her back on your blood. That'll help for now, But this means there's an infection. First we need to identify it. We know it's in her liver, so we'll get a sample. Then we can figure out how to help her get better. Abbey: [nods sadly] I had this baby because I... wanted a chance to be a "special mom". But... not this way. [House is sitting behind his desk, looking self-satisfied and smug. He sees Cuddy approaching, and hastily arranges himself to look more serious. She enters he office.] Cuddy: [sits down] Problems in radiology. A radiation dosimeter badge turned positive. I could have a CT Scanner that's leaking... a spilled vial of thallium somewhere... I don't even know whose badge it was. The code was scratched off. House: [looks confused] That had to be intentional. I mean, why would anyone— Cuddy: [covers her eyes with her hand] I don't know. All I know is that I'm gonna need to work late. I was actually hoping that you could baby-sit. House: [overly dramatic] Nooo... Cuddy: Please. House: [whiny] Two nights in a row? Cuddy: Please. House: I have a life, you know. Cuddy: [leans over his desk, deliberately exposing her cleavage] I will make it worth your while. House: I am not going to bargain babysitting for sex. [is distracted by said cleavage] Who the hell said that? Of course I will. Cuddy: Thank you. [they kiss, and Cuddy leaves. House looks very satisfied with himself] [Cut to Taub getting a liver sample from the baby. Abbey is nervous.] Abbey: [looking at the needle] Oh, that thing's nearly as big as she is. Taub: Don't worry. I've done this at least once before. [Abbey smiles halfheartedly] Foreman: Advance another centimeter and you're in. [Taub draws a sample of dark, unhealthy-looking blood.] Abbey: Oh, God, that looks awful. Is that from the infection? Foreman: [looks at Taub] No. It means we were wrong. [pause] It's a melanoma. Abbie: You mean, like skin cancer? [incredulously] How would she get that? She's never been outside. Taub: But... you have. Abbey: You're saying I gave my baby cancer? [Taub nods, and she looks heartbroken.] [Cut to Taub examining Abbey's hands] Taub, VO: I found a mole under the nail on her left index finger. The biopsy revealed it's melanoma. [Cut to team in diagnostic room. Cheng is with them.] House: That's it? [is distracted by the teams' take-out meal] How come no one got me food? Cheng: What do you mean, "that's it"? The woman has melanoma. She could die if we don't— House: Boring. Since the baby has the melanoma, we kind of already knew the mom had it. Cheng: Yes, but now we know where it is, so we can — [she is distracted as House attempts to take Taub's food and Taub slaps House's hand away] ...treat it much more effectively, so... House: Great. So treat her. Also boring. What's interesting is that mom's melanoma spread to the baby in-utero, which means it's metastatic, which means it's late stage. How many people with a late stage melanoma are as healthy as she is? Foreman: Clearly, something's going on in mom's blood that's treating her melanoma as well as her baby's. House: Antibodies. Foreman: If her immune system was fighting the melanoma, it never would have spread. House: Exactly, which means it's fighting something else, and the melanoma cells are getting caught in the crossfire. So what's mom's immune system really sh*ting at? Taub: Scleroderma can cause cancer-fighting antibodies. Chase: So can Churg Strauss... pretty much any auto-immune disease. Cheng: Or infections that cause granulomas, TB, mycobacteria. House: See, Dr. Cheng? This is not boring. [she smiles] Start with auto-immune. Go test her blood. [to Taub] And leave your food. [Taub picks up his meal and stalks out of the room. House looks disgruntled.] [Cut to Taub testing Abbey. Justine is sitting in the room] Just a little pinch. Abbey; [crying] Ah... So, uh, I'm not actually making her better. I'm making her sick. Taub: You can't blame yourself. Abbey: I ate all the right foods, I read all the books and the studies, and [laughs sadly] I... even hired a private detective to research each sperm donor. [Taub smiles at her.] I just missed one big thing. My own cancer. Taub: I'm all done here. We'll have the results soon. Abbey: And if that's what this is? An auto-immune disease? Taub: Treatment's... fairly simple. Justine: And if it's something else? Taub: Let's just take this one step at a time. [to Abbey] Stop beating yourself up. [he leaves.] Justine: I'm sorry, mom. Not just for this, but for what I said earlier. [she gets up] I was jealous and angry, and... I lashed out. But you were a great mom. You are a great mom. Abbey: I don't deserve such a good daughter. [She breaks down. Justine comes and holds her hand while she cries.] [Cut to Taub and Cheng in the lab.] Chang: Negative for scleroderma... Taub: So, what did House want earlier? Chang: He just gave me a little quiz and said he was okay with hiring me, but that it was your decision. Negative for dermatomyositis. Taub: He's just saying that to set me up. Chang: So you're — you're not offering me the job? Taub: If he wants me to offer you the job, something's going on. Chang: That... was my thinking too. It's not Lupus. Taub: Things with House are never as simple as they seem. Trust me, he's got an ulterior motive, and I've got to figure it out before I do anything. Chang: ...Okay. [sighs] Mom's negative for Churg Strauss. This isn't auto-immune. Time to scan her for infections that could cause granulomas? Wilson: [digging in Rachel's diaper with a pencil, while on the phone with House] Third poop in the last half-hour. Still nothing. [Dramatic zoom on House at the hospital loading medical equipment into his backpack] All right, that's it. Time's up. Operation Valkyrie is now in effect. [he grabs his cane and takes off.] [Cut to Taub and Foreman in an MRI booth, scanning Abbey.] Foreman: Either it's a trap or it's not. Just hire her. Taub: Lungs clear for granulomas... Yeah, who cares? Did you enjoy that bear trap snapping on your leg yesterday? Foreman: You do realize it's just a metaphorical trap? You'll still have all your limbs. [Taub shows mock-relief.] Fourth rib about the midclavicular line. You're over-thinking this. House fired my pick site-unseen. He was never even interested in Chase's pick, he was only obsessed with how she reflected on Chase. Dr. Cheng is the only candidate he's actually responded to. You wanted House invested. He is. Hire her. Taub: And you think I'm over-thinking this? Foreman: Shut up and hire her. Taub: [the smug look fading from his face] ...Look. [he points to a scan.] Foreman: Oat cell lung cancer. Taub: She has two cancers? Taub: Cancer treating cancer? [Cut to Taub and Foreman speaking to Abbey and Justine in a hospital room.] Taub: You have lung cancer. Abbey: I thought I had skin cancer. Taub: As unlikely as it sounds, you have both. [Justine looks confused] Foreman: Actually, the lung cancer is basically treating the skin cancer. It's why you're not feeling sick. And why your blood's helping your baby. Taub: We found it early, so it should be treatable. In a way, your daughter saved your life. We'll get you set up for the surgery and start you on chemo. Abbey: What about Kayla? Taub: She'll only need the chemo. Abbie: [confused] Can't you just keep giving her my blood? Taub: Not once we cut out the tumor. Your body will stop making the antibodies that are keeping your baby healthy. Abbey: Can you hold off on my surgery? Foreman: Over the last day, your baby's liver tumors have shrunk 15%. Projecting forward, it would take eight or nine days to completely eradicate her cancer cells. Abbey: So let's take the eight or nine days— Foreman: The cancer probably won't spread in the next nine days, but there are other risks. Cancer thickens your blood, which could cause clots. Abbey: What are the risks to putting my baby on chemo? Taub: It could damage her brain or affect her development, but these risks are small compared to the risks that you would be taking by leaving your cancers untreated. Abbey: I want to wait. Justine: Mom. Are you listening? This is way too dangerous. Abbey: I'll take the risks. I want what's best for my daughter. Justine: I'm your daughter too. Abbey: She's a baby. You're an adult. Justine: So what? I don't need my mom anymore? Abbey: [bitterly] No. You never did. 'Cause I wasn't there for you. But look at you. You turned out great. Justine: [angrily] Oh, you don't know if I'm great. You don't know me at all. And I'm not gonna let you martyr yourself for a two-day-old infant just because you feel guilty because you weren't around for me. Abbey: [coldly] I'm not martyring myself. It's nine days. [to Taub and Foreman] Let's hold off on the surgery. [They nod. Justine walks away.] [Cut to House walking in Cuddy's front door and meeting Wilson, who's already there with Rachel] Wilson: You brought food? This is a medical procedure, not a dinner date! House: I'm aware that this is a delicate procedure. I'm also aware that my hands are shaking from low blood sugar 'cause I haven't eaten all day. So while this may seem insensitive, this crucial, lifesaving moo shoo — [he looks in the paper bag and is pulled up short] where are my extra pancakes? Damn it, they forgot the extra pancakes for my moo shoo pork. Every time that new girl with the blue streak in her hair answers the phone, they screw up. [House and Wilson make simultaneous epiphany-faces.] House: Was she there when you picked up the food?! Wilson: You ordered extra pancakes?? How much did they cost? [They dive for the menu.] Where— House: [points to the paper] 55 cents. And there were two. Wilson: So that means the total on the last bill was— House: Was— House: [together] $18.42. Wilson: [together] $18.42. House [looks at Wilson] So Rachel couldn't have eaten a dime... because there was no extra dime. Wilson: ...Yeah. [he sinks down on the couch.] So the image that we saw on the ultrasound— House: Was obviously just a pocket of air, like I said all along. But you saw the worst case scenario... [sits next to Wilson] ...like every irrational, worried parent. [leans forward and snags the bag of food from the table, then settles back down.] You'd make a terrible mommy. [digs in the bag.] Wilson: [nods; there is a long pause]... give me some dumplings? [House does.] [Cut to Kayla in the hospital. Abbey is sitting in a chair, looking at her contentedly. The camera swings around to show Justine entering the room with a tray.] Justine: Mom, I brought you some — [she pauses, then rushes forward. We see Abbey again, and she is unconscious.] Mom? Mom! [she takes Abbey's pulse.] We need help in here! Somebody help us! [She rushes out of the room, and the camera lingers on Abbey's face.] Taub, VO: Massive pulmonary embolism... [Cut to Taub and Cheng in a nearly deserted cafeteria.] Taub: ...she died in seconds. Cheng: Wouldn't have happened if she let us remove the tumor. Taub: Probably not. Postmortem, we were able to harvest all of her blood. It's enough to treat the baby. Cheng: That's something. Taub: Pretty amazing case. Thanks for your help. Cheng: I was glad for the chance to work it with you. Taub: I've thought about it, and... [he sits down with her at the table] ...I'd like to formally offer you the job. Cheng: It's funny, I–I wanted to work on House's team... until I started working with his team. Taub: [slightly smug] Yeah, I know. Chase and Foreman can get a little— Cheng: Actually, it's you. [Taub's smile slides right off his face.] I get that House is an ass, but at least he owns it. Taub: You don't understand. This whole thing was just a game to House. I didn't have a choice. Cheng: You're a grown man, Dr. Taub. You can make whatever choices you want, and instead of hiring me when he said you could, you chose to act like a paranoid, scared little kid. [pause] I hate kids. [calmly] Good-bye, Dr. Taub. [Music kicks in as Foreman pauses outside Abbey's former room. Justine is inside, holding Kayla.] Justine: I'll make sure you never forget her... and what she did for you. She was just trying to be the best mom in the world. She was. [she kisses the baby's forehead, and Foreman walks in with a bag of Abbey's blood. Justine stands aside as he begins to prepare the transfusion.] [Cut to Cuddy and House lying in the same positions they were in the night before. This time, House looks asleep and relaxed. Rachel begins murmuring over the monitor. they stir.] House: [eyes still closed] This one's all yours. Cuddy: What happened to helping out? House: ...I did. [Cuddy crawls out of bed, still looking half-asleep. House shifts over to her pillow, smiling to himself. Soon, Cuddy can be heard over the baby monitor.] Cuddy, VO: Did someone go poopy? [There is a pause, during which House looks very contented with himself. Then...] Cuddy, VO: [shocked and worried] What? How'd you eat a dime?? [House's eyes fly open in shock.] Rachel, VO: House! [House looks shocked and frightened as the sht cuts to black.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x05 - Unplanned Parenthood"}	foreverdreaming
(The scene opens on a TV ad claiming that opponent of New Jersey Senator Hal Anderson, John Moreno, is pro-immigration. We see a large group of Latino people running through the desert to get to the US.) Male announcer: This election day, the fate of our borders is in your hands. John Moreno wants to invite illegal immigrants into our country. He wants to give them our jobs. He wants to give them our healthcare. John Moreno wants to give them the American dream, and he wants you to pay for it. [People yelling) John Moreno. Whose side is he really on? (The camera moves from the TV screen to a meeting room where Senator Anderson and his campaign manager, Joe Dugan, are.) Anderson: Whose side is he really on? Dugan (turns off the TV): It's a valid question. He favors easing restrictions. Anderson: So do I. Dugan: Shh… Come on, Hal. Your position on work visas is irrelevant. He's talking about a path to citizenship. I'm telling you, this ad wins you the election. Anderson: By insulting one of my core constituencies. Come on, in '04 I had 45% of the Latino vote. Dugan: And this year you're running against a guy named Moreno. Anderson: This isn't one of your races in South Carolina or Oklahoma, Joe. This is New Jersey… People vote for me because I'm a moderate. Dugan: Well, that's great. You can be the most moderate ex-senator in the country. Hal, the election is seven days away, and even our own internals show you down six points. Anderson: We've always been the underdog. And we've always found a way to win. Dugan: I know. Because you have always let me do what's needed to be done. Now, I can have this on the air tomorrow. Anderson: No, no. Dugan (starts scratching his arm): Come on, Hal, let me do this! Anderson: No, absolutely not. This could totally galvanize the left. (noticing Joe’s scratching) You all right, Joe? Dugan (rolls up his sleeve): Yeah, I think I got some kind of a rash. (They both see several red legions on Joe’s forearm.) Anderson: What the hell? That's not a rash. Dugan: Maybe I should call a doctor. Anderson: You better call an ambulance. (Opening credits) (Cut to the clinic. House exits an exam room followed by a patient walking with crotches and dressed up as some kind of Greek God.) House (to the patient): Look at it like this… of all the ways to rupture it, nothing honors the real Achilles more than blwing the dismount on a keg stand. (Cuddy is waiting for House by the central desk. He joins her.) Cuddy: What's that smell? Onions? Peppers? Oh, I know… It's a sausagefest. House: Sausagefest implies multiples. Now, if you're talking about yardage, I'd have to agree. Cuddy: I'm talking about your department. You still haven't replaced Thirteen. House: It's coming along. Cuddy: You've had plenty of time to find someone. House: I've found plenty of someones. Just haven't kept them. Cuddy: It's time to end the cycle. (handing him a file) Meet your new team member. Her name is Martha M. Masters. House (takes a look at it and holds it up to have Cuddy take it back): This doctor is not a doctor. Cuddy: She's a third-year med student. She graduated high school when she was 15. She filled out the time before med school getting PhDs in both applied math and art history. House: She'll be incredibly useful if my next patient is an Escher drawing. Those things are seriously screwed up. Cuddy: This isn't a suggestion. House: Just because my sausage has been filling your bun, it doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor chips I nosh on during the day. Cuddy: Nope, I get to do that because I'm your boss. (she leaves) (Cut to Dignostic room, the team is sitting at the table. House enters.) Taub: Patient is Joe Dugan, 42, political consultant. Presents with palpable purpura, and ALT and AST are through the roof. House: Otherwise known as rash and liver damage. Fascinating. Foreman: Senator Anderson sent this case to us, and personally requested we take a look. That's reason enough for me. House: Black guy campaigning for the opposition? Does Obama know about this? Foreman: I tried calling him on the brother hotline. He didn't pick up. (Knock on door. A young woman waves at House. He walks to the door and opens it to let her in.) House: Martha M. Masters? I'm Dr. House. This is the rest of the team. Boring, Bimbo, and Bite-size. Martha enjoys quadratic equations, Italian frescoes, and her turn-ons include learning to be a doctor. Take a seat. Chase: She's a med student? (Masters sits at the table.) House: Cuddy thinks she's some kind of genius. Say something brilliant. Masters: Oh, I… I don't… House: Capital of Azerbaijan? Masters: Baku. House: Year Beethoven died? Masters: 1827. House: 20th decimal of Euler's number? Masters: Six. (she giggles) It's my favorite constant. House: She's like the Internet with breasts. Oh, no, wait… the Internet has breasts. (He sits down.) Foreman: Our patient's liver damage explains the rash and cryoglobulins we found in his blood, but we can't explain the liver damage. Shows no other signs of drug or alcohol abuse. House: Now all we've gotta do is figure out which one is bimbo and which one is bite-size. Also, which monster truck won the 2004 thunder nationals? (Masters seems confused.) Chase: Hep C makes sense. Foreman: Test came back negative. Same for Hep A and B. House: The answer we were looking for is Virginia Giant. Feel free to chime in on either conversation. (she nods.) Taub: Hate to steal the spotlight from small wonder over here, but what about toxic exposure? Chase: Tetrachloroethylene. Could even be pennyroyal or sassafras oil. House: Go to his house, get me some chemicals. (addressing Masters) You wanna stay on this team, have an opinion. (she leaves the room with the team.) (Cut to Joe’s house, a beautiful massive residence. Taub and Foreman are walking towards the main door while Masters follows them and describes into details all the features of this house.) Masters: Oh, cool! Tudor revival architecture. Steeply pitched, asymmetrical roof over the entrance. But it doesn't have the half timbering over the facade. Taub: Doesn't say anything about medicine, can't shut up about architecture. Great. Masters: I know. I don't know what happened. Being around House… he's such a legend, he's so intimidating. I'm not like that around ordinary people.(Chuckles softly) Uh, not that you guys are ordinary. (they both stare at her.) It's just that he's so brilliant and you work under him, so you're not as imposing. Um… I'm gonna be quiet. Taub: Good idea. (Foreman is picking the lock and succeeds in opening the door.) Masters: Dugan didn't give you a key? Foreman: If patients know we're coming, they can hide something relevant to their illness intentionally or unintentionally. Their knowledge changes things. (Foreman and Taub enter. Masters looks around worried and stops at the doorway.) Taub: Are you a vampire? It's okay. We're inviting you in. Masters: But our patient didn't. I can't do this, I'm sorry. (She refuses to enter and stays outside. Foreman and Taub glance briefly at the fish tnk in the dining room but head for the kitchen.) Taub: Well, she's gonna be a big help. Foreman: Yeah, what a rube being uncomfortable breaking into a stranger's house. (Foreman opens all the cupboards and kitchen drawers while Taub looks at the mail.) Taub: Part of our job description, not the most morally ambiguous part. Foreman: Give her a chance. She's fresh, enthusiastic, has no bad habits we need to reteach. Taub (whines): She's a med student with no practical experience. That means every procedure, every blood draw, she needs one of us there to supervise. Foreman: Is this attitude about her not having an M.D. after her name? Because I wonder if it has more to do with her being a brainiac. Taub: That's not it at all. Foreman: I'm not thrilled someone else might be the smartest person on the team now. I can only imagine how you feel. Taub (smiles): You're not smarter than me. Foreman: Oh, yeah? You find this? (He holds up a big jar of apple cider.) (Cut to a hospital hallway, House is walking with Taub and Foreman.) Foreman: A jug of unpasteurized cider. It could be tainted with E coli, and that's what's causing the liver to shut down. House: E coli is found in animals. So unless he's drinking pork cider… (Having a fake epiphany) Pork cider! (Points at Taub) I need the number of the patent office. Foreman: There are indirect ways of attracting E coli. Taub: Masters refused to go on the search with us. House: Interesting. Which raises the question, (looking suspiciously at Taub) what is your problem with her? Foreman: He is intimidated by her intelligence. House: Why would that bother Taub? He's been working with people smarter than him for a long time. I think perky new girl makes him feel old. Taub: She's basically the same age as Thirteen. House: Yeah, but she's a student. Makes you contemplate your med school days. Back when you had hair, muscle tone, and no need for a regular prostate exam. Foreman: Makes sense. Just like E coli. Orchards make cider out of apples they can't sell otherwise, like if they've fallen onto the ground. Like, into some cow feces. House: Which would mean our esteemed patient is literally full of B.S. Cool. Go get the ingenue, start the patient on aztreonam and plasmapheresis. (House leaves Taub and Foreman alone) Foreman (Loudly, to Taub): He said to start the patient on aztre… (Taub leaves, pissed. Foreman chuckles.) (Cut to a room full of medical equipment. Taub and Masters are preparing for Joe’s plasmapheresis. Taub is showing her how to set things up.) Taub: The cell sorter separates the plasma from the remaining cellular components, thereby removing… Masters The toxins, antibodies, cryoglobulins. I think we should tell our patient about breaking into his house. Taub: Why would we do that? Masters: Because the reason not to tell him was that he might hide something. And now that rationale is moot. Taub; The rationale now is no upside, big downside. Masters: How can we ask our patients to trust us if we're not honest with them? Taub: How can we ask the patient to trust us after we tell him he can't trust us? Fine. Tell him. Clear your conscience, because that's what's important. (Cut to Joe’s room. The TV is on, on a news channel. Taub and Masters are here; Joe is sitting in his bed while talking on the phone.) Dugan (on the phone): Well, if you would let me run that ad, everybody would be talking about immigration instead. All right, look, here's what we're gonna say. Yeah, he was in Iraq, and we're all grateful for his sacrifice. You chose to honor your country through public service and have voted 46 times to expand the Pentagon's budget for programs which, oh, by the way, Moreno wants to cut. All right. I'll draft it up, send it over. (he turns it off and picks up another phone) Masters: You should probably slow down until you're out of the hospital. Dugan (texting on phone n°2): It's a busy week. (Awkward silence and glances between Taub and Masters.) Masters: Aren't you curious how we came up with this diagnosis? Dugan: You're doctors. Isn't that your job? Masters: But how we knew you were drinking apple cider? Dugan: Well, you had to have found that at my house, so I guess you guys broke in there. Masters (looking at Taub then at Joe): That doesn't bother you? Dugan: Medicine's like politics. At the end of the day, all that matters is results. Masters: That's not true. (She gets Joe’s full attention) Respect matters. Honesty and integrity matter. Dugan: Have you ever thought about running for public office? Because I would love to have someone like you as an opponent. (Taub is amuzed, Masters looks disappointed.) Taub (to Masters): Watch the replacement fluid line. Masters: Oh, right, sorry. (Corrects her mistake) You ever wonder why American voter turnout rates are among the lowest in the developed world? (Joe looks suddenly paralysed and drops the two phones he was holding in his hands) Mr. Dugan? Taub: Mr. Dugan? What's wrong? Can you hear me? (Looking in Joe’s eyes with a penlight) He's paralyzed. (to Masters) Call Foreman and Chase, get them down here. (Masters rushes to the phone) Mr. Dugan! (Cut to Diagnostic room, the entire team is sitting at the table while House is making himself a cup of coffee. He picks it up and walks to the table.) Chase: We think it's a transient ischemic attck. The clot must have broken up before we could find it. He was temporarily paralyzed, but he's regaining mobility and speech. House: So, what causes rash, liver failure, clots, and the uncontrollable urge to rat out your coworkers? Oh, no, wait… (He leans close to Masters.) That last one was you, not the patient. Masters: I wasn't trying to rat. I was clearly trying to honor my ethical obligation. Portal vein thrombosis could be caused by Wilson's disease? House: Hooray! (He throws his cup full of confetti at her to celebrate her first diagnosis) You popped your cherry, diagnostically speaking. Unfortunately, the first time always sucks. Pitch doesn't make any sense. Dugan's cornea was normal. You're obviously brilliant. So why would you hide your mind? Masters: I was brainstorming. House: I'm not talking about your stupid ideas about the patient. I mean your stupid ideas about morality. Masters: My stupid ideas are what most doctors consider the rules for professional conduct. (to the team) What about a neuroendocrine tumor? Taub: Not without diminished mental capacity, loss of judgment. Disseminated intravascular coagulation, however, fits. House: Rules are just helpful guidelines for stupid people who can't make up their own mind. You obviously don't fit into that category, so why put yourself there? Chase: Masters is right about a neuroendocrine tumor. Because yes, Dugan has had a loss of judgment. He made this totally inflammatory anti-immigration campaign commercial for Anderson. It just got linked online. Foreman: You're arguing Dugan's politics are a sign that he's mentlly compromised? Chase: No, his tactics. He's most likely the one who leaked it and all the commentators are saying Anderson will catch a major backlash. House: And honesty's a great idea until your patient asks if her distended abdomen makes her looks fat. Foreman: House, I hate to interrupt your ethics debate, but we have two solid ideas on the table. (House sighs.) House: CT from his neck to his abdomen for neuroendocrine tumors. Run a D-dimer and fibrinogen for D.I.C. (The team gets up to leave.) House: Masters. If lying to a patient saved their life, would you do it? Masters: No. House: That's a lie. If your grandma gave you a really crappy tea cozy for Christmas, would you tell her you liked it? Masters: Yes, but that's different. House: So, you lie when it doesn't matter but you won't when it does. How'd you get so screwed up? (He leaves the room.) (Cut to a hallway, House finds Cuddy. She is walking while texting on her phone.) House: How mad would you be if I fired Masters? Cuddy: Very. Unless you had cause. Real cause. Cause that a human being would consider cause. House: Never mind, then. She's got principals. She's like the love child of Einstein and Mary Poppins. Didn't even get Einstein's hair. (They stop in front of the elevator, Cuddy pushes the call button.) Cuddy: It's worth having someone on the team who doesn't see the world entirely as shades of gray. House: It is gray! Cuddy: To you. (Elevator dings) Cuddy: She has a fresh perspective. Unless that thrat you. (She enters the elevator.) House: It does not… (sighs) You thought I'd get defensive, keep her out of pride. Cuddy (smiles): A girl can hope. (the door closes but she stops it with one hand.) House, I gave this a lot of thought. She deserves a chance. A real chance. (the door closes.) (Cut to Cuddy’s office, Cuddy enters to find Masters pacing) Masters (worried): House is gonna fre me. Cuddy: No, he isn't. Masters: Because you told him not to? Cuddy: Butting heads with House is par for the course. House has strong beliefs, and he respects other people with strong beliefs. (They both sit down and face each other) Masters: It's not my beliefs that are the problem. It's my personality. I'm not good at working with other people. Cuddy: You've been in there for less than a day. Masters: I wasn't looking for encouragement. It's a fact. Growing up, my whole life, really, I-I spent a lot of time by myself. And no one in high school wants to hang out with a kid that's three years younger than them. And studying Anosov diffeomorphisms, determining whether an unattributed landscape is a blakelock or a ryder or… I'm actually boring you right now. Cuddy: And yet you chose medicine. Which is a team activity. It's pretty gutsy, stepping so far outside your comfort zone. Masters: I'm not trying to prove anything. I just wanted to be a doctor. It was stupid. Nobody can do everything. I was vain to think I could be the exception. Cuddy (in a reassuring tone): House doesn't care if you're a team player, or how ethical you are, or how high your I.Q. Is. It's all about the cases. You help him crack this one, you two are gonna get along just fine. (Cut to CT scan room, Chase and Foreman are in the booth, scanning Dugan) Foreman: We gotta give Masters some pointers, help her figure out how to deal with House. Chase: Why would I do that? The entertainment factor is off the charts. It's like watching a bunny hop into a buzz saw. Repeatedly. Foreman: And if we don't help her, she's out of here. Chase: No, something else is stopping House from fring her. I'm guessing it's his desire to keep having sex with Cuddy. Dugan (over the microphone): You guys ready to admit you were wrong yet? Foreman (to Joe, in the microphone): Excuse me? Dugan: This tumor you're looking for… you're not gonna find it. My judgment is completely sound. Chase: So when you leaked that ad, you were trying to torpedo the Senator's campaign? Dugan: All right, one, I told you before, I didn't leak that spot. Chase: Uh-huh. Dugan: And two… Whoever did leak that ad had nothing wrong with their mind either. It's gonna save Anderson. Chase: That commercial… Everyone sees through it. You're just trying to play to people's fears. Dugan: You say fears. I say rational, protective instincts. And judging by your accent, immigration probably isn't an issue you can be real impartial about. Chase: I waited five years to get my green card. If there's anyone who would resent someone trying to skip the queue, it'd be me. Just because Moreno favors amnesty… Dugan: He doesn't. You know that picture of him with the Mexican flags that seems to be from a pro-amnesty rally? That's from an amnesty international speech protesting the imprisonment of priests in Oaxaca. Yes, you did just prove that that ad is even more disgusting than you thought. You also proved that ad is effective. You still think my judgment is off? Foreman: Not anymore. There's no sign of a tumor. That leaves D.I.C. I'll go check how Taub is doing with the blood work. (Foreman leaves. Cut to Pathology. Foreman walks in the room where Taub is running tests) Foreman: I guess when you get on in years, it takes a little longer to run a few simple blood tests. Taub: This whole "Taub's an old man" thing kinda rings hollow, considering I'm in better shape than you are. Pass the dye. Foreman: You're in rounder shape than me. Taub (faces Foreman): Tonight after work, meet at the basketball courts in the gym. Foreman: You do realize you're two and a half feet tall, right? Taub: And white. And Jewish. It'd be very embarrassing. I get why you wanna say no. Foreman: Tonight after work. (Monitor beeps. They both look at the screen) Taub: Crap. (Cut to Joe’s room. He is in his bed and the Senator is here, sitting in a chair) Anderson: Did you hear Moreno's latest stump speech? He's gonna clean up Washington. Dugan (scoffs): Yeah, right. Like any politician from New Jersey has ever cleaned up… Who else knows that you leaked that ad? You and I had the only two copies, Hal. I don't care that you did it. I just want to make sure it worked. Anderson: This morning's tracking has me within two points. Dugan (smiles): Told you. We're gonna pull this thing off. (Door opens, Taub and Foreman enter) Taub: Your blood test for D.I.C. came back completely normal. Dugan: That's good news, right? Taub: That means the two things we thought it could be, it's not. Foreman: We checked your home for toxins and didn't find any. But it's possible you might've been exposed on the campaign. Have you visited any industrial or agricultural facilities? Anderson: There was a tomato farm in Lumberton. Foreman: They take you into the fields? Dugan: No one wants a photo op with me. I never leave the bus. Foreman: Were the windows open? Certain pesticides… Taub: Foreman. (They both look at the urine bag. It’s red) Dugan: What? What is it? Foreman: It's not just your liver we have to worry about. Looks like your kidneys are having problems, too. (Cut to Diagnostic room. House and the team are sitting at the table.) House: So this guy spends his entire life campaigning against bleeding hearts. And it turns out he has one. Masters: Bloody urine actually is a renal problem, not a cardiac one. House: Yeah, if I say something inaccurate, assume it's for comic effect. Then laugh, because it's funny. T.T.P. makes sense. What're his platelets? Chase: 200,000. It's not T.T.P. Masters: What about henoch-schoenlein purpura? Taub: H.S.P. Doesn't cause clots. Foreman: H.S.P. Doesn't usually cause clots, but it can. And the vasculitis would explain the kidney problem. House: She can't diagnose a joke, but she's making progress on the patient. Masters: We treat with chemotherapy or steroids. House: We treat with chemotherapy. Masters: I said chemo. House: Then you said, "or." Chase: Once again, the bunny meets the blade. House: The road to dad patients is paved with "or"s. Chemo is the more effective treatment, which means it'll confirm our diagnosis more quickly. Masters: I agree, but there is another option. House: There are lots of other options. There's bloodletting, crystals, prayer… Masters: Another medically accepted option. House: Which is both less effective and less scary. So the patient might just choose it. Unless, of course, we don't mention it to him. Masters: We can't withhold information. If we explain both the benefits and the risks of each treatment I'm sure Dugan will choose chemo. House: Well, as long as you're sure. (Cut to Joe’s room. Masters is by his bed, talking to him) Masters: The better option is chemotherapy. It's faster and more likely to completely cure you. Dugan: I'll take the steroids. House: Oh, my goodness! (He was standing behind Masters) If only someone could've predicted that you'd make that incredibly stupid decision. (Masters looks at House) Masters (to Joe): The nausea and fatigue from chemo will only last a few weeks. Dugan: Our poll numbers have stalled. That's five days till the election. Anderson: Doctor, can you talk some sense into him? House: Would that I could, but ethics dictate that it's his decision. So all I can do now is return to my office knowing, even as my patient endangers himself, my integrity remains unblemished. Masters: Please. Take some time to think about this. Dugan: I don't need any time. I want to start on the steroids. (Cut to an indoor basketball court. Taub is strapping his knee while Foreman is waiting for him with the ball in his hands) Foreman: Game to 11 by ones. Taub: Uh, hold on. (he swallows an energy drink) Wanna sht for outs? Foreman: You can have it. Taub (He sht and scores! - feeble voice): One, nothing. (Music in the background: White Denim's “I Start to Run”) Taub: You gonna guard me? (Foreman throws the ball to Taub) Foreman: Can't ht two in a row. Taub (scores again!): Two, nothing. You gonna guard me now? Foreman: You can have that sht all day. (Foreman throws the ball to Taub again, he runs to him but Taub feints the sht, avoids him and run to score a third time) Taub: Three, nothing. (Foreman gets the ball and scores) Foreman: One, three. (The real game begins. They battle for shts, back and forth until Foreman leads) Foreman: Ten, seven. (Last move. Foreman maneuvers past Taub for a layup that bounces around the rim… and then falls through the net. He wins) Taub: Seriously? You're gonna bat me with that? Foreman (Panting): Well… I was wrong. You're not so old. Taub: Thank you. Foreman: Now all we have to do is figure out why Masters is making you feel insecure. (Taub sighs) (Cut to House’s office. He is working at his desk, Masters bursts in.) Masters: I was just down by Dugan's room. They were ready to give him the wrong medicine. I tried to change the order, but I'm not a doctor. House: Good. The wrong medicine is the right medicine. Masters: But he wanted steroids, not chemo. House: He wants to live. Masters: I'm gonna tell him what's going on. (leaving) House: No, you're not. (he takes off his glasses) I don't mind your morality in theory. But in practice, you're risking my patient's life. So you're fired. Masters: You think that's gonna stop me from telling him? House: If you do, I'll get you thrown out of medical school. Masters (horrified): I haven't done anything that would merit that. House: I know. But unlike you, I'm willing to lie. (Cut to Diagnostic room, House has his head down on the glass table. He is thinking.) Foreman: fring her was a mistake. We need someone like her on the team, keeping us all in check. House: You're incapable of noticing when I do something inappropriate? Foreman: We're like the frogs who've been in the pot for a while. We're used to the heat. Taub: Things have been just fine without Pippi Longdivision. House: Your opponent's out of the race. You can drop the smear campaign. Chase (enters the room): Dugan developed pulmonary edema. It's not H.S.P. Foreman: Masters was right. He didn't want the chemo. He didn't need the chemo. House: Masters was wrong. He doesn't have H.S.P. And Masters is gone. Taub: Could be an infection. Chase: We had him on aztreonam for the E coli. He didn't respond. Taub: Schistosomiasis wouldn't respond to aztreonam. House: That's a great idea if he was running a political campaign in Africa. The guy hasn't been out of the country in years. Taub: Who needs to travel when you've got a giant fish tnk loaded with tropical fish, tropical snails carrying tropical bacteria like schistosomiasis? House: Well, break into his home, get me some escargots. Unless you wanna ask the patient's permission as a tribute to the departed. (The team leaves. Cuddy stops at the entrance of the room) Cuddy: Need a minute. (House looks surprised to see her. She looks pissed.) (Cut to Cuddy’s office. She is sitting on her desk, House is pacing, and Masters is standing on the side quietly.) Cuddy: You said you were gonna give her a chance. House: I did! She used that opportunity to endanger our patient's life. Masters: By insisting he receives the treatment that he asked for. House: That's what I just said! Cuddy: Your team is there to challenge you. House (angry): I didn't fre her because she's a challenge… I fired her because she's an immutable obstacle! You gonna make me hire her? (to Masters) How do you think that'll work out? How do you think that'll work out? Masters: He's right, I'll just… Cuddy (determined): You will not quit this job. House (astonished): What is going on? I want her gone, she wants to be gone. Why do you care? You don't actually think that she's a younger version of you? Because let me tell you, you're not that smart or moral. Socially awkward, maybe. Cuddy: She's a potential star, and I want her in my hospital. House: No problem. Just find her a different department. (He leaves the office with one last glance at Masters.) (Cut to Joe’s house. Taub, Foreman and Chase are leaning over the fish tnk. Foreman has a hand in it) Chase: I think I've figured it out. Why Taub didn't like Masters. Taub: Now you're getting involved in this, too? Chase: My previous source of entertainment just got fired. Taub: Exactly. She's gone. It's over. Chase: She's totally moral and uptight, which made Taub feel badly about his cheating. Taub: Can we get a move on? (he takes what Foreman was holding to do the same thing but faster) Foreman: You didn't like her even before you knew about her morals. It's from the minute he saw her. Chase: So… It's something about how she looked. Taub: All right. No snails. Let's get out of here. (A flashlight flickers toward them) Chase: Hello? (Cut to House’s office. His cellphone rings, he answers) House: Yeah. Foreman: It's Foreman. House: What'd you find? Foreman: Nothing helpful, but… House: There's gotta be something. Dugan's going completely downhill. Now fluid's collecting in his chest. Where the hell are you guys? Foreman: In jail. You gonna come bail us out? (We see Foreman using his one phone call while Taub and Chase are behind bars looking at him.) House: Uh… kinda busy. (He hangs up.) (Cut to Joe’s room. He is watching the channel news) Anderson (on TV): Thank you all for coming down here at this late hour. I assure you I will be brief. There has been a lot of discussion about an attck ad that leaked online earlier this week. As I said many times over the past few days… (Cut to the doctors’ lounge where the TV is also on. Masters is on a couch, reading a book. House enters.) House: There you are. (Masters turns to him) I was starting to think that my holier-than-thou-dar was malfunctioning. Our patient's liver, kidneys, and lungs are failing. I need you to help me figure out why. (he sits down in front of her.) Masters: As I recall, you have three actual doctors you haven't fired today. House: They're in jail. Masters: What? Why? House: Prostitution. So you're rehired. Masters (closes her book and focuses on the case): It all started in the liver, but where in the liver? If in the ducts, then primary biliary cirrhosis… House: Yeah, I don't need to hear your ideas. Just return the volley. Masters: Primary sclerosing cholangitis. House: Nope. His vitamin A level is normal. Masters: Gall bladder problems can affect the liver. House: Cholecystitis? Masters looking at the TV): Shh! He's talking about our patient. House: Did you just shush me? Masters: Shh! (they both focus on the TV screen) Anderson (on TV): And thought he was a friend. That is, until… He leaked this hurtful, hateful ad. Masters: I think he's lying. Dugan said… House: The technical term is speaking. Anderson: Dugan violated my trust. And therefore, I have no other recourse than to fre him from my campaign. Thank you, and there will be no further questions. (House gets up. He just figured out something.) House (walking to the door): Thanks for your help. Oh… And you're fired again. (Cut to Joe’s room. House enters.) House: He screwed you. Dugan: That was a hell of a move. Use the ad to shore up the base, fre the extremist to hold the center. House: No, I mean he actually screwed you. Taking weekend trips down to Bunbury. He's got a red blotch on his hand. That's palmar erythema. That, and the fact that he's got a permanent sheen of nixonian flop sweat. He's got hepatitis C, which explains all your symptoms. Dugan: That's great, but the Senator and I have not had sex. House: Well, then the two of you sht up together. Dugan: How many high-functioning heroin users do you know? House: Actually, quite a few. (he walks to a cupboard, opens it and picks up a syringe) Look, I know you've got hep C. So either you shared a bed together, you shared a needle, or you shared a straw. I'm talking about coke, not coke. Dugan: You can get hep C from doing cocaine? Look, I will deny it. House: Don't care. Dugan: They tested me for hep C when I came in here. I don't have it. House (puts the interferon syringe in Joe’s IV): Apparently your liver picked up a few of your campaign tactics. It's hiding all your secrets by producing cryoglobulins so the hep C tests come back negative. Now, I could look for all the associated toxins, but the plasmapheresis got rid of those. So basically, you've got a disease, but there's no way to prove it. It's pretty cool, huh? Dugan: What is that? House: This is interferon. It delays the onset of rigor mortis. (He leaves.) (Cut to jail. The three men are sitting on a bench in the middle of the cell.) Chase: When did your lawyer say he was coming to get us? Taub: He said, and I'm quoting here, "soon." Foreman: I know. The reason you hated Masters from the moment you saw her. Taub: Come on. Foreman: That was not the first time you saw her. Chase: That is brilliant. (A guy walks by them and sits down on the toilet behind.) Taub: It's really not. Is that guy seriously using the toilet? Oh, my God, he's sitting down. Foreman: Don't try to change the subject. Did you sleep with her? Taub (uncomfortable): No wonder he's in jail. Anyone who would do that has no shame. Chase (to Foreman): Or maybe he tried to sleep with her, and she sht him down. Taub (sighs): I don't know her. (the man is grunting) Is he grunting? I think I hear grunting. Foreman: You realize we're not gonna drop this. Taub: I didn't sleep with her. I interviewed her for Hopkins med school. Foreman: So you're holding a grudge, because she chose a different school? Taub: We talked for an hour. She didn't remember me. She remembers the 20th digit of some math constant, but she doesn't remember a guy she had a one-on-one meeting with. Chase: Well, I barely remember you. Taub: Mystery solved. Now we can all go back to our lives. (The guy flushes the toilet.) (Cut to the lobby. Masters walks down the stairs and into the lobby where House is waiting for her. He catches up and they both walk toward the main door) House: Great news. I've decided to rehire you. Masters: Find another sounding board. House: Dugan's got hep C. Masters: I'm not doing this. House: He's not responding to interferon. Masters: You must think I have absolutely no self-esteem. (She stops and turns to House.) House: Ethics and self-esteem? You really are a pain in the ass. What treats hep C besides interferon? Masters: Now you want me to talk? House: Yeah. Masters is pissed. She leaves.) House: Come on, stop pretending you're not gonna do this. As much as you hate me, you hate failing more. Masters: I didn't fail. You fired me. Repeatedly. House: But if you walk away now, after I just rehired you, that's quitting. Masters: A German research study showed that 15% of patients with hep C were cured after contracting hep A. Of course, other studies have shown that up to 85% of doubly-infected patients die very quickly. So, in theory, if we can find something that mimics hep A… House: There's one thing that mimics hep A… Hep A. Good work. (Heading off the elevator.) You're fired. Masters: No! (Cut to Cuddy’s office. She is sitting behind her desk, House and Masters are standing in front of her.) House: Hep A could cure him. Cuddy: Better chance it'll kll him. House: Tell the lab to release a hep A culture to me. We'll see who's right. Cuddy: It's not an approved treatment and exposes us to liability. There's no way I can let you do this. Masters: That's an extremely cowardly position. (Both Cuddy and House look surprised by her reaction.) House: Listen to the genius. Cuddy: You're the one that insisted he run this by me. Masters: It's proper protocol for an unconventional treatment. But we shouldn't compromise patient care just to avoid lawsuits. Cuddy: What about the fact that we don't have any proof he actually has hep C? Masters (whispers to House): That is a perfectly valid objection. House (to Cuddy): Don't listen to her. She doesn't even work for me. Cuddy: If you really think that this is the only way to cure him, I will risk the lawsuit. But I need to know that he actually has the disease. Get me proof. House: I've given you… Cuddy: Proof! Get me proof he has hep C, and then you can give him hep A. House: I can't. Cuddy: You'll figure something out. The two of you have combined I.Q. North of 300. House: That's also true of five morons. (He leaves.) Cuddy (to Masters): Go. Work. (Masters rushes out.) (Cut to hallway to House’s office. House and Masters exit the elevator.) Masters: So what do we do now? House: Well, considering the fact that I'm about to do something unethical… Masters: Oh, right, yeah… I'm fired. (She keeps on walking while House enters the Diagnostic room. The guys are back.) House: Missed you. House: We need a false positive hep C test. Foreman: And why would we want to do that? House: The world changes when you're on the inside. You just gotta roll with it once you get out. Chase: You think he contracted hep C from the Senator, right? Test Anderson. If it's positive, that's evidence Dugan has it, too. House: Evidence, not proof. Taub: Are we presenting this to a jury of our peers? That should be enough for Cuddy. House: Should be, but it won't be. Taub: The test for hep C is 99.9% accurate. That means one in every thousand test is a false positive. We do enough, maybe we get lucky. (disgusted) I smell like jail. House: False false positive. That's the best we can do? Okay, go do it. (Cut to Wilson’s office. He is working, House enters, closes the door and sits down in front of him.) House (embarrassed): I have a problem. A medical problem which could become… I have lied to Cuddy 10,000 times. How do you think she'd feel about 10,001? Wilson: I think you probably already know the answer. House: But it doesn't make any sense. Wilson: You don't understand why a woman might be upset because her boyfriend lied to her? House: I wouldn't be lying as her boyfriend. I'd be lying as her employee. Wilson: That's not how relationships work. House: My patient is gonna die. Wilson: Does the lie guarantee he'll live? House: No. Wilson: You got two choices: To be honest and face the medical consequences, or lie and face the personal consequences. (Cut to House’s office. He is lying on the floor behind his desk. The light, coming from outside, changes as the night goes by. House is deep in his thoughts.) (Cut to an exam room, House is drawing blood from Senator Anderson’s arm) Anderson: Now that you're my doctor, you, uh… You can't tell anybody, right? House: Who'd leak a story about a sitting senator who got hep C from doing cocaine? You didn't fill out any paperwork. I'm gonna run this test under an assumed name. Trust me… No one will ever know you were here. (He writes Dugan’s name on the blood vial.) (Cut to Cuddy’s office. She is reading the test results while House is standing in front of her.) House: Blood test confirming hep C. He got sicker, his viral load came up, finally showed up on the test. Cuddy: Thank you. There was a time when you would have completely ignored my request. That means a lot that you respect me enough to do this. House: I've come a long way, baby. Cuddy (smiles): Now, if you would only hire a new team member. House: I'm on it. (He leaves.) (Cut to the cafeteria where Masters is working. House sits down in front of her.) House: How'd you like to come work for me? Masters: It's like I'm on a Mobius strip. House: We've had this conversation. You want this job. (Masters sighs.) House: Prove yourself to me, no more games. At least, the current game ends. Others may start. You have my deeply-flawed word. Masters: What do I have to do? House: Get Dugan to let us give him hep A. And while you're figuring out the best way to coax a patient into a treatment that has an 85% mortality rate, here's some advice: Don't. Masters: I'm not gonna lie to him. House: You have a math degree. So let's see if you can follow along here. You lie to him, he definitely consents, he might live. You tell him the truth like last time, he might not consent, he definitely dies. Remind me what's so wrong about lying? (Cut to Joe’s room.) Masters: We're going to inject you with hepatitis A. Dugan: That doesn't sound like medicine. Masters: I know it seems counter-intuitive, but in some people, the virus can enhance immune function and clear out the hepatitis C. Some. Dugan: How many we talking about? Masters: A fair amount. Dugan: Give me a percentage. What are the odds of this thing working? Masters: There is an 85% chance that this will kll you. Dugan: So, you wanna give me something that works 15% better than arsenic? Masters: Well, technically, it works infinitely better because arsenic has a 0% chance. This is your only sh*t. Both Dr. House and I believe that. He faked a blood test in order to get you approved for this treatment. And then he tried to bribe me into lying to you about the risks. If either of those incidents came to light, he would be suspended and probably lose his license. House: Oh, I'm sure some other people would suffer. Masters: He's risking his career to give you this chance. He wouldn't do that if there was any other choice. (They both exit the room) Masters: I did it. And I didn't have to lie. House: And you feel good about that? Masters: Yes. House: So I'm hiring an idiot. Masters: You can pretend you wanted me to lie, but you didn't. You want the people on your team to challenge you otherwise you'd just be a bully instead of a great doctor. You hired me because I don't compromise my principals. House: Or I want a front row seat when you wake up and realize how useless your principals are. I don't want you to just lie to a patient. I want you to want to lie to a patient. Masters: It's not gonna happen. House: See you tomorrow. (Cut to the doctors’ locker room. Masters walks in, Taub is already there, putting his lab coat on.) Taub: I heard Dugan is already responding to treatment. Masters: Yeah, his alt level is already beginning to normalize. Taub: I wanted to apologize for the way… Masters: Uh, wait… You interviewed me, right? For Hopkins? Taub (Looking as if he just figured it out): Oh, my God, you're right. (Laughs) Wow, that memory of yours. Masters: I wanted to say something the first day. I felt really awkward about the whole thing. Taub: Don't worry about it. (looking at the sweater she is wearing) Is this grandma's tea cozy? Masters: What? Taub: Nothing. I'll see you upstairs. (Cut to House’s office, he is signing papers and Cuddy is looking at them over his shoulder.) House: If I knew hiring her meant dealing with medical school paperwork, I might've reconsidered. You really got nothing better to do than watch me sign this? Cuddy: And miss the ultimate admission that I was right about masters all along? House: She had me when she called you a coward. You gonna hang out? Cuddy: I have to work late. Gloating requires a lot of paperwork. She kisses him, slaps him on the butts and leaves his office with the papers, looking happy. House looks uncomfortable.) (Cut to Joe’s room. He is watching the news channel: People are cheering Anderson who just won his campaign. Jos is happy.) Anderson (on TV): Thank you, New Jersey for reelecting me to the United States senate. (Cheers and applause) We ran a positive campaign, a campaign about the dire issues facing this great nation. (Cheering) There are many people who gave their all for this campaign. But there is one person that stands out among them. My beautiful wife, Loretta. Loretta. (Applause) Thank you. (Cut to the clinic. Cuddy enters, the nurse sitting at the desk stops her.) Nurse: Do you know where the Senator's records are? Cuddy: House was treating Anderson's campaign manager, not the Senator himself. Nurse: Oh. Cuddy: Why did you think he was the patient? Nurse: House saw him in the clinic. I guess it wasn't medical. Cuddy: When? Nurse: Friday. Around 3. Cuddy: House's team ran a hep C test on Joe Dugan on Friday. Can you look up the time? (The nurse does research on the computer.) Nurse: Chase, Taub, and Foreman were running tests all night. All negative. Positive test at… 3:17 P.M. House ran it himself. Is everything okay? Cuddy: I don't think so. (Cuddy figures everything out. She looks very upset and heads for her office.) The End.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x06 - Office Politics"}	foreverdreaming
(A slve ship in the storm, at night. Black men are chained in the hold, obviously sick. Rain is falling on them. They are shivering, breathing hard and coughing. The ship captain comes down the stairs with a doctor. They both hold a handkerchief in front of their mouth and nose. They speak a Dutch-derived language.) Captain : Thank you, Doctor, for at last inspecting the sick cargo. It's all in this section. Take this log to your colleagues on the shore. It documents every piece of sick cargo. I'll throw them all overboard, but let me and my men come ashore. Doctor : I'll try to convince them. But stay anchored until you hear from me. Or the next sht won't be a warning. The doctor climbs back the stairs quickly. A crew member comes down. Captain : They're never going to let us keep any of it. Toss the sick ones overboard. Then we're going to make a run for it. (He leaves. The sailor gestures to another one. They grab a sick slve and carry him, struggling, to the deck. A young boy and his father are watching.) Young boy : What are they doing? Father : Naola is now your father. Young boy : Daddy, no! I want to be with you! Father : He is me. (Crew men wearing masks come and take the father away. The young boy yells.) Young boy : Daddy! No! Father : I love you. Always. (A cannonball hits the ship and destroys one wall. The slaves realize the ship is going to sink.) (Cut to a bright, sunny day, on the sea. The camera pans down to a yacht, where a couple is standing.) Lulu : Shouldn't they be up by now? Niles : I'm sure they're fine. Lulu : They're gonna run out of air. I'm happy to kll my daughter, but I feel a little awkward about klling your son. Niles : They're spending time together. It's good. We're a family now. They need to bond. Lulu : Yeah, well… they can bond with full air intake. (She speaks in a microphone.) Julie, surface now. Julie : Help! Shark! (The parents jump, startled. The kids, who have just surfaced, giggle.) Lulu : Please don't scare me like that. Roger : What? You said we should bond. Julie : Well, look what I found. (She hands Niles a red net. He helps them back on the boat.) Niles : You're not supposed to take anything off the wreck. Julie (she takes a glass jar, covered with mussels, out of the net. Inside are small, black, prickly objects.) How cool is this? Roger : They kind of look like feathers. Lulu : Can I see? Julie (She turns around to hand her mother the jar, but knocks it on the boat. The jar breaks and slices her hand. She bleeds. Some of the prickly objects are pushed in her palm.): Ow! Lulu : Julie! Niles : Get her a towel. What was in that jar? CREDIT ROLLS (Cut to PPTH locker room, where Taub, Foreman and Masters are getting ready. House enters, file in hand.) House: Why aren't you guys in my office? Taub : Why are you in the building? It's 8:00 in the morning. House : Where's Chase? (He hands the file to Foreman.) Taub : He's not here because it's 8:00 in the morning. House : 16-year-old girl — high fever, vomiting, bloodshot eyes. Taub : Wow. The case of the really bad flu. House : Hmm, let me see. Did I leave anything out? Oh, yeah. The smallpox. (A few seconds of startled silence.) Masters : Smallpox was eradicated over 30 years ago. House : So were Hush Puppies. Have you checked out your local hipster coffee shop lately? Foreman : Smallpox doesn't exist outside of P4 Labs and bio wapon plants.(Waving the file) She was in Bermuda. House : Where she was scuba diving on the wreck of a Dutch slve ship, that had been intentionally sunk, because an epidemic of smallpox had broken out on board. Foreman : Was the ship sunk in water? Because viruses can't survive contact with water. House : If the virus had been kept on the outside of an airtight jar, that might be an issue. The jar held old-school inoculations. They kept the scabs of the infected people. (His cell phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket.) Taub : The virus can't survive over 200 years. House : You have. (He flips his phone open and puts it on speaker.) Thanks for calling back. Uh, listen, I'm a screenwriter, and is it theoretically possible for smallpox to survive for more than 200 years underwater in a sealed glass jar? Voice on the phone : Well, theoretically, yes, but— House : Thank you. (He flips the phone shut.) So who do we believe — CDC or Dr. 90210? Isolate, get baseline blood draws for smallpox antibodies and vaccinate the entire family. Foreman : We should test for the 21st-century suspects — varicella and measles. House : You're free to perform whatever unnecessary tests you want, Foreman. slvery was abolished years ago. (Cut to quarantine room. Masters is entering the security door, wearing a white Hazmat suit, complete with breathing air supply. She joins Taub who is already in Julie's room, wearing the same suit. Taub is filling a syringe with the vaccine sht. Julie's family is in another isolation room, alongside, looking worried.) Lulu : Why the hell do you guys have us quarantined in here? Taub : We're just taking every precaution. Niles : Against what? Julie : What do you think I have? Taub : One possibility is tetanus from the glass jar that sliced your hand. Lulu : I remember tetanus shts. That does not look like tetanus shts. Taub : It's really not worth going into, because the odds are astronomical. Julie : Tell me. Taub : Again, it's— Masters : Smallpox. Lulu : Smallpox? Masters : The vaccine will protect you if you don't have it and lessen the severity if you already do. B-but it's a billion-to-one, so… we don't want you to panic or anything. Lulu : How do I not panic with that information? (Niles and Roger look frozen.) (Cut to the clinic. House is getting out of an exam room, looking rather upset. Cuddy joins him at the desk.) House : Idiot in exam room one needs antidiarrheals and a dictionary. Cuddy : You're not scheduled for clinic duty now. House : I had some free time. I owed four hours. Cuddy : Don't you have a case? House : Yeah. Cuddy (She snatches the file out of his hand): Then don't worry about it. House : Are you a Stepford doctor? Cuddy : If you're busy, you don't need to be down here. House : You're serious. Cuddy : Yep. Get out of here (She leaves him there thinking.) (Cut to Oncology ward. Eve, a little bald girl wearing a red knitted beanie, is lying in her bed.) Eve : I can't. Eve's mom : I forgot her stuffed animal at home. It's been with her through all the chemo sessions so far.(Wilson nods in understanding.) Eve : I need Lamby. He doesn't want me to do it alone. (Wilson's phone beeps. He checks it. It says : HOUSE : What I need is more important than what you are doing. Wilson frowns.) Eve's mom : Honey, there's no other way. You're just gonna have to be brave, okay? Wilson : What if I get someone to sit with her while you run home and get Lamby? I'll get a nurse. (Showing his phone) Then I have to deal with a… very sick man. (Cut to Wilson walking in the corridor, rubbing his neck, and entering House's office. House is sitting at his desk, curled up with his chin on his closed fists, in a childlike position.) House : I think she knows. Wilson : Who is she, and what does she know? House : Cuddy. And… that I faked a lab test and lied to her to save my last patient. Wilson : What did she do? House : She let me out of clinic duty by saying I had a case. She's never done that. Wilson : She's also probably never ordered the pasta special in the cafeteria. Would that also have some special paranoid message to send you? House (He gets up): I am not imagining this. It's an aberration in the way that she treats me. How do I find out what it means? Wilson : You don't. If she doesn't know, all you're gonna do by sniffing around is make her suspicious. If she does know, you'll find out soon enough. House : What if I die of curiosity in the meantime? Wilson (in a lecturing tone): You were an idiot for lying to her in the first place. Don't be more of an idiot now. Say nothing — to no one — about anything. (A bat.) That includes me. (He turns and leaves the office.) (Cut to House entering the lab, where Taub and Masters are carrying on tests.) Taub : It's not smallpox. Blood work suggests some other infection. White count is way down. House (sitting down and rubbing his forehead): Masters, have you got a boyfriend? Masters : That's none of your business. House : Ah, probably just a dry spell. Taub : House, you do realize we just ruled out smallpox? House (paying absolutely no attention to Taub): Would you ever be extra nice to a theoretical boyfriend if you were really mad at him? Masters (obviously trying to answer as honestly as she can): I guess the only reason I would be extra nice is because I'm angry, and I just want him to go away so I don't have to deal with him anymore. House : You passive/aggressive bitch. Masters : You just asked me— House : What about Foreman's unnecessary tests? Masters : Negative for varicella and measles. So all of our ideas are off the table. House : I'm putting mine back on. Patient's a diver. Under increased pressure, everything in the blood gets scared, panics, runs, and hides. Taub : Antibodies could be in the joints. House : Tap her knee, ankle, shoulder, and any other joint in her smallpox-ridden body. (To Masters) Good talk. (Cut to Cuddy's office. She is sitting on her couch, reading files. She is dressed in black with a very short skirt, which is obvious because her feet are propped up on her table and we get a very nice view of her legs. House enters. She glances at him, says nothing and gets her attention back to her file. House scrutinizes her and sighs.) House : You know. Cuddy (matter of factly): Of course I know. House (relieved) : Oh, thank God. I thought I was just being paranoid. Why didn't you say something? Cuddy : 'Cause I wanted you to come to me and apologize. House : I can't apologize if I haven't done anything wrong. Cuddy (closing her file, dryly) : You lied to my face. House (in a patient tone) : To do my job, to save a patient's life. Look, I don't want to go all Godfather on you. This was business. I wouldn't lie to you about something personal. Cuddy : Well, you don't get to lie to me about anything. I can't compartmentalize my life like that. House (still very gently) : Well, maybe you should practice, 'cause it comes in handy. Cuddy (still pissed, opening her file again): I think you should go. (House rolls his eyes, restrains himself and leaves.) (Cut to Julie's room. Taub is tapping her knee. It hurts.) Julie : Ow. Taub : Sorry. I have to get the needle behind the bone. Julie : I'm running out of bones. If this is a waste of time— Taub (he gets to her second knee): Last one. You just have to be… (He bends her leg and stops.) Julie : What? What — what is it? (There are pustules behind her knee.) Taub (He sounds afraid) : I'm sorry. I have to call the CDC. I think you do have smallpox. (Cut to Julie's room. House, Masters and Taub are now in the room, all in Hazmat suits. Taub and Masters are examining her closely, looking for other lesions.) Julie : Am I gonna die? I mean, this is what trrorists want to use to kll everyone, right? Like, there's no cure. Taub : There are treatments. We can give you cidofovir. House : I don't think you care about the drugs' names. Bottom line — it's 30% fatal, which means your chances of being okay are about the same as a basketball player's chance at hitting a free throw, unless she finds dark, purplish skin blotches. Lulu : What would purple blotches mean? Masters : Hemorrhagic-type smallpox. House : In which case, her chances are more like… Shaq hitting a free throw. Masters : Well, no purple skin, but take a look at this. Lulu : What is it? Masters : There's a rash under your daughter's arm. (There are red lesions under her arm. House comes to look at them closely.) Julie : Like more of those gross bumps? House : No. It's just a regular rash. Julie : W-what does that mean? House : It means it's not smallpox. (The parents look relieved and hug.) (Cut to PPTH cafeteria, where Sam and Wilson are having breakfast.) Wilson : Are you saying you see House's side? It's not even a side. It's a fictional construction. Sam : She's expecting House not to lie? If she's using the relationship as a rationale to try to change things— Wilson : Wait. Wait. Are you saying it's okay for us to lie to each other? Sam : No, we have a different relationship — I think a better one. Lying was never part of it. Theirs is built on it. Wilson (looking at his pager) : Sorry, I have to go. Sam : Oh, come on, I have to leave in, like, five minutes. Can't it wait? Wilson : There's a little girl. The nurse watching her got called away. It's a long story, but I've got to babysit. I'll see you tonight. (They kiss.) Mm-hmm. (There is an announcement on the loudspeaker) : Attention — Effective immediately, all hospital entrances and exits will be restricted until further notice. Center for Disease Control has ordered Princeton Plainsboro Hospital locked down. Sam : Well, I guess I can stay. (Cut to Julie's room, where House, Taub and Masters are still examining the girl. Four men wearing red Hazmat suits and carrying suitcases come to the door) Broda : Please step out of the room. I'm Dr. Broda, Head of Infection control, CDC, and your protective suits are not adequate. House : Turns out they don't have to be. (He points to Julie's arm, Broda looks with attention.) Rash under the arm means it's not smallpox. False alarm. Sorry. Hope the traffic wasn't too bad. Broda : Rash is consistent with smallpox. House : Not if it presents after pustules. Broda : She's probably just allergic to the bedsheets or the hospital gown, and you simply didn't notice it (House and Taub exchange looks.) We're gonna airlift blood and tissue samples to Atlanta. We'll have the DNA results in 18 hours. In the meantime, please, step out of the room. House : You brought the plane? Cool. (Cut to diagnostics office. The team is sitting around the table, arguing. House is at his desk, apparently working on his laptop, and printing documents.) Masters : When we left, Julie's fever had climbed to over 103. Taub (He is reading a newspaper): It's not smallpox. She's not dying. And it's not our case. Need any other reasons to forget it? House : You know how you can tell there's nothing to be done? Chase showed up. Chase (frowning) : I was here at 9:00. Masters : So you guys just want to do nothing for the next 18 hours until they tell us it's not smallpox? Can't we spend the time discussing what looks like smallpox but isn't smallpox? (Foreman is reading a newspaper, too.) Chase : Molluscum contagiosum. Foreman (engrossed in his newspaper) : You have to compare lesions to differentiate. Taub (still reading, too) : And we don't have access to the patient or any new information. House (reading the sheets he has just printed out) : But we do have access to the other patients — the ones who died of the same thing in 1793. It's the Captain's log from the Sotos Ooslerzoon. Maritime Museum in Bermuda graciously sent over a PDF. Problem solved. (He gets up.) I assume at least one of you speaks fluent Dutch. (The team looks baffled. House makes a sorry face, and turns back to his office.) Foreman : It's the middle of the night in the Netherlands. Nobody's working. House : Oh, you can always find someone. (Cut to House's computer screen. It shows a pretty, smiling brunette in black underwear and stockings, sitting on a red velvet sofa in a cozy room. The website is called CYBERLOVERS.net ; it announces “live streaming sexcam from erotic Europe”.) Geerte (coaxing voice): Oh, yes. My name is Geerte. (Cut to a speechless, open-mouthed Taub.) Are you handsome sexiest American man? House (looking pleasantly smug): You know, some people (he looks back at his team) — I would say that I am, yeah. I want you to translate something for me. Geerte : Why you want I translate? I do topless, toys, (House is obviously considering it) and— Masters (loudly) : Just do the translation. House : She can translate however she feels most comfortable. Geerte : Whatever. You put in credit card. (House reaches to his wallet.) Taub : House, the hospital has translators on call— House : Shut up. (He enters his card number, then turns back and hands out Masters a post-it.) Honey, could you email our new friend the Captain's log? Masters (enjoying herself) : Sure thing (A bat) … Sexiest American man.(She giggles. House glares at her.) Geerte (She has put on reading glasses and a shrug. The male team is sitting in front of the screen. Masters is standing up with her arm crossed. All are listening intently. House is reading the same files with his glasses on, too) : "On morning of 14, July, I boarded Sotos Ooslerzoon with two trunks and my cat." Aw! The Captain had a cat. House : Isn't she adorable? Go ahead and skip to the part where people get sick. Geerte : Mm… ah, here."The passenger has a fever, shaking, and red eyes." Ooh. Also African man make go in his pants. Foreman : What about the Captain, the crew? Geerte : Mm, no. It say only African men sick. House : It can't be smallpox. Airborne transmission means it's an equal-opportunity kller. We're looking for a disease that discriminates. Taub : Sickle cell. Chase : The disease doesn't have to be rcist. It could be classist. Vitamin D deficiency from lack of sunlight weakens the immune system, makes the slaves more vulnerable to malaria or dengue fever. Foreman : I don't know how you get pustules from any of those. Masters : Captain and crew got clean drinking water. Slaves drank whatever they could. Scrofula. That's what they called cervical T.B. lymphadenitis in the 1700s. House : Scrofulicious — that's what they called "annoying" in the 1700s. Is she wrong? Then they died for nothing. Those slaves could have led long, fulfilling lives, mowing my ancestors' lawns. Foreman. Can I speak to you outside for a second? (They both get up and out the room, and walk side by side in the corridor.) We need to test for T.B. Foreman : T.B. might fit, but it's too slow-moving to kll her anytime soon. There's no way the CDC's gonna give us access. House : That's why we don't think it's T.B. We think it's meningococcal disease, which could kll her before the results come back. Foreman : And once I gain access, I run the T.B. Test. You could have said all that in there. House : In front of the narc? As if. Foreman (he smirks a little) : Are you so afraid of this new girl, we have to take elaborate measures every time you want to skirt around ethical boundaries? House : Elaborate measures? We took a walk — a walk you would have taken anyway. Actually, I saved you from the horrible post-differential traffic jam. (Cut to the isolation ward, where Foreman has gone to meet Broda.) Broda (doubtfully) : Meningococcus? Foreman : We believe the rash under Julie's armpit is actually petechial spots. When added to the high fever, the vomiting— Broda : There haven't been any seizures, no stiff neck. Foreman : If I could just gain access to the patient, I can investigate the rash further. Broda : I'll take a look. Foreman : I can wear your gear. I'll take every necessary precaution. Broda : You come to me with a weak diagnosis. I even offer to investigate, but that's not good enough for you. What's really going on here? (While he speaks, he notices Niles, walking hesitantly in the other isolation room. Niles falls to his knees, then brings his hand to his forehead. Broda : Sir… are you feeling all right in there? Niles : It's just a headache.(He raises his head. His eyes are bloodshot. He grimaces in pain, sits down and takes his head in his hands. He pants heavily.) Lulu : Baby. Baby. (Niles bents his head down, and grunts. Drops of blood fall on the floor.) Roger : Dad… you're bleeding. Lulu : Somebody, please… Get in here now! (Broda gestures to one of the CDC doctors in Julie's room. Niles raises his head, his nose and gums are bleeding) Broda : This is not meningococcus. You're not getting in here. (Cut to diagnosis office. House is pacing.) House : Cool. Chases : Not really — not for them and not for you — the dad's new symptoms are consistent with them having smallpox. House : Would be if he had a headache. Chase : He does have a headache. House : No. He just said, "ow," and held his head. Foreman : Actually, he said, "ow."Then he said, "it's a headache." House : Which could be indicative of head pain. Headache is caused by muscle tension or vascular stretching. Head pain is caused by trauma, which would include such events as a bleed in the brain from T.B. Taub : We're back to T.B.? House : We never left. Foreman : We'll need to do a C.T. And I sort of have a hunch that the CDC's not gonna approve of us moving the patient. House : Chase, can I talk to you outside for a second? (Masters looks suspicious.) (Cut to PPTH corridor.) Chase : You just tried this. I'm not a better liar than Foreman. House : Sure, you are. You're descended from convicts. (Chase looks slightly entertained.) Plus, there's no lie this time. It's a bait and switch. You propose that we don't have to move him if we do a pneumoencephalograph. Chase : That's 60-year-old technology that klled patients. House : Exactly. He'll compromise on the C.T. Chase : This isn't Cuddy. Your Jedi mind tricks won't work here. House (doing a very convincing Obi Wan impersonalisation) : These aren't the droids you're looking for. (Masters has left the diagnostics office and joins them in the corridor.) Masters : You don't trust me. House : Going behind your back works better when you're not facing us. Masters : Instead of whatever lie you're gonna tell Broda, why don't you just tell him the truth? (House looks desperate) If we are honest and reasonable— House : People of all races and creeds will live together in peace and harmony. Masters : How did your first plan work out? House : Permission granted. Masters : Thank you. (She leaves them. House turns back to Chase.) House : After she gets denied, do the bait and switch. (Cut to Eve's room. She is lying on her bed, Wilson is sitting at her side.) Wilson : They won't let your mommy back in the hospital because of an emergency downstairs. But we have to get started. Eve : I can't do it without my Lamby. (She notices Sam, leaning in the door.) Who is she? Sam : I'm nobody. I'm leaving soon. Wilson : Her name is Sam, and she's a friend of mine. What does Lamby usually do while you get your treatment? Eve : He holds my hand. Wilson : Well, you could hold my hand. Eve : That won't work. Sam (she enters the room) : Well, sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to do. (Wilson looks puzzled.) You have to go to school. You have to eat your vegetables. You have to take your medicine. You have to. (She smiles. Eve and Wilson look at each other in silent understanding.) Eve : I want my mommy. Wilson : Yeah. I'll be right back. (to Sam, who now looks deflated.) You know, I'm pretty sure Lamby has a cousin down in the gift shop. (Cut to House's office. He has stuck a pen in each ear of his model skull, set on his desk, and he is scoring a try with a cardboard. He wins and exhales, then gets up to pick his cardboard up. Masters enters the office.) House : Hold off a minute. I'm in overtime. (He tries again, loses. Masters jumps a little, surprised, then giggles.) Oh! Masters : Uh, Broda agreed to C.T. the dad's brain. House : Well, that sucks. Masters : But I thought that's what you wanted. House : I shouldn't have gotten it with the truth. He's a hypocrite. His position ever since he's been here has been— Masters : I-I pointed out that either we're right, and he's the hero for ending the crisis, or he's right, and he gets to be the first person to look at a brain infected with smallpox. C.T. scans weren't around 30 years ago. House : Good work. (Cut to isolation ward. Julie is on her bed, in pain. Niles has been placed on an isolation gurney and is being wheeled out of the room. House and Masters watch from outside.) Masters : So I guess honesty is the best policy. House : Why'd you say that? Seriously… To establish your viewpoint, as if I didn't already know it, or to demonstrate some weird cross-generational female solidarity with Cuddy? Masters : Actually, I was just trying to fill the awkward silence. House : Oh. (Looking back to the CDC crew. They are wheeling the dad back in his room.) Why have they stopped? (He opens the door and enters the hallway.) Masters : You can't go out there. House : Why did you stop? Broda : Get out of the hallway. House : He does not have smallpox. Broda : Yes, he does. Niles (he breathes shallowly and looks panicked) : It itches. Broda : He's just developed pustules. He's now too dangerous to transport. Get out of the hallway. (Cut to the isolation rooms. Niles is lying on his bed with an oxygen mask on, in his own room ; Julie is in the other room, agitated. Lulu and Roger are in the middle room, defeated.) Foreman (Voice over): Dad's vitals are in the toilet. He's got full-blown smallpox. House : What about the daughter? Masters : Pustule count is way up. Vitals are way down. (Cut to House's office, at night. House is sitting at his desk, Foreman and Masters in front of him.) House : Means I was wrong. But to be precise, I was right before I was wrong, so… Masters : So we just give up and go home? Foreman : Actually, somebody locked the front door, but, yeah, we… give up. Masters : We might as well keep— House : We have our diagnosis. If you're eager, you can go find us a new case. (Masters leaves.) Foreman : I guess she's eager or has a blind spot for sarcasm. (Cut to isolation ward. Masters is pacing, arms crossed, and Broda is reading files.) Masters : I just want to look at the rash under her arm to see if it's matured— Broda : You can look through the glass. Masters : I need to be closer. If the pustules are at a different stage— Broda : She's comfortable. We're gonna have our results back in eight hours. If it's not smallpox, you can be the first one in there. (He leaves the room. Masters comes close to the glass and looks at Julie.) Julie : Why are you just standing out there? Masters : Uh… I'm just trying to help. If you're feeling up to it, can you sit up and show me the rash under your arm? (Julie begins to sit slowly and moves her feet in the process.) Uh, wait. The soles of your feet. There aren't any lesions. Julie : Who cares? They're everywhere else. This is trture. (Masters looks worried and leaves quickly.) (Cut to Eve's room. She's lying on her belly, facing away from the door. Wilson enters carrying a plush sheep.) Wilson : Eve? Guess who came by the hospital for a visit? (Sheep voice) Hello, Eve. Oh, no! (Eve turns, smiling, and hugs the sheep.) All right. I'm gonna get a couple of nice nurses to come in here and get you two ready for the treatment, all right? Eve (still smiling): Okay. (She reconsiders.) How come Lamby can be here but mommy can't? (She smells the sheep and frowns. Wilson and Sam look embarrassed.) Sam : Lamby was dirty. Um, we gave her a bath. Eve : This isn't Lamby! (She throws the sheep at them and turns back, hugging her pillow.) (Cut to House's office, where he is asleep in his Eames chair.) Masters : Julie doesn't have smallpox. House : Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the reverse… Oh, my God. I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga. Masters : She doesn't have pustules on her palms or the soles of her feet. House : The dad does have pustules there. So how does he get smallpox, but it skips her? (Epiphany face. He gets up and leaves the room quickly, then comes back to the door.) If I leave like that, you should follow. (Masters follows.) (Cut to locker room ; House briskly opens the door, followed by Masters.) House (excitedly) : We gave it to him. Where's Chase? Foreman (lying on a bench) : You do realize we don't all live together, right? House : Well, then just — we gave it to him. No pustules on the daughter's palms, so… Taub : So therefore your theory is you asked me to take the dad's blood, but I accidentally injected him with smallpox. House : Exactly, although technically, it was the vaccinia virus, which is what the smallpox vaccine is made from. Same symptoms as smallpox, but only half the calories and almost none of the lethality. Foreman (he sits up) : You sound like one of those anti-vaccine cranks. You can't develop full-blown symptoms from the vaccine this quickly. House : You can if you're immunocompromised. Am I the only one who reads these things? (he waves the dad's file.) Dad had kidney cancer. Foreman : Six years ago. He's been in remission. House : Well, it's obviously back. sht his immune system, made him vulnerable to the vaccinia, which will get better on interferon. So if he responds to the treatment, that proves he doesn't have smallpox. Taub : Then what does the daughter have? House : Damn. I was hoping you weren't gonna ask me that. Can we please just focus on the disease we just diagnosed and can treat? (Cut to isolation ward, House and Broda are walking side to side in the hallway.) House : What's more likely — he got smallpox the day after we immunized him for it, or he's sick from the vaccine itself? Broda : You got any proof the kidney cancer is back? House : Well, let me give him this. (He shows a syringe.) When he gets better, that'll be the proof you need. I'll put on one of your fancy spacesuits, and I promise I won't kiss him on an open sore. Broda (He gives the doctor in the dad's room a perfusion bag, via the airlock) : You know who Janet Parker is? In 1978, she was working at a university in England. Someone in a research lab on the floor below screwed up. Some smallpox virus managed to float up through the vents into the room where she was working. She died four days later — the last known person to die from smallpox. And the person in charge of the lab was so destroyed, he klled himself. Now that he's shedding, I can't open that door for anyone. (He turns to leave. House looks in the room and notices something.) House : Hey! Look, there's the proof you need. There's blood in the urine bag. Broda : His kidneys are shutting down. He's in the final stages of the disease. House : If smallpox was causing the kidney failure, the blood would be brown. It's red because the kidney cancer is back, and this is not smallpox. Broda : I'm not opening that door. House : Well, that makes one of us. (When the CDC doctor in the dad's room unlock the door to get out, House quickly enters the room.) Broda : Hey! Hey! You're insane! House : But I'm right. (He injects interferon in the dad's IV.) Broda (sets alarms and lock the door): I hope you are, because I can't let you out now. (Cut to the dad's room. Cuddy has come in, looking rather pissed, and is giving House a red Hazmat suit via the airlock. Inside the room, House is pacing and twirling his cane.) Cuddy : This is what happens when you have no respect for authority, no respect for anything. House : You don't think it's a little much to use the thrat of death to win a totally separate argument with your boyfriend? Cuddy : You think this is about the other thing? House : Does seem to track suspiciously closely. Cuddy (leaning on the airlock, concerned): I don't care right now that you lied to me. I want you to stay alive. House : And if I do, does that mean I win both arguments? Cuddy : Put the suit on. House (whining) : It's unnecessary, mom. This is why I didn't want them telling you. It's why I'm glad they didn't tell Wilson. Lulu : Dr. House. (House turns back and goes to the dad's bedside.) Niles : I'm getting worse, aren't I? House (he checks his vitals) Interferon takes a little time to work. (to Lulu, with the hint of a smile, and a reassuring nod) Don't worry. (To Cuddy, worryingly, voice down) Tell Broda that I'm increasing his oxygen. And get my team down here. (Cuddy leaves hastily. House takes the Hazmat suit.) (Cut to Eve's room. She's drawing. Sam enters the room.) Sam : Hi. (Eve does not answer.) You're mad at us, aren't you? Eve (not looking up): Yeah. Sam : Well, you have a right to be. We weren't honest. You might not know this yet, but sometimes adults mess up. (She sits uncomfortably on Eve's bed.) Can I tell you something, and you keep it just between us? (Eve nods, still not looking up.) I'm not great with kids. I love them, but I get scared that I'm gonna do the wrong thing, and then… I usually do. (During this talk, Eve has raised her eyes and stopped drawing. She listens intently. Wilson, who was coming to the room, stops at the door and silently listens, too.) And that's what I did with the lying. And I'm very sorry about that. The reason why I did the wrong thing was because I was trying to get you to do the right thing. Your mommy and your Lamby both really need you to get better. So… do you think that… you could be really brave… and do the right thing? Eve : I'll try. Sam : Great. (She touches Eve's hand, awkwardly) Great. (Behind them, Wilson smiles, with teary eyes.) (Cut to isolation ward, where the team has joined Cuddy.) Chase : Fever's way up. Sat's way down. Pustules still spreading. Masters : Interferon's not working. Foreman : Which means this is smallpox. House : Right! 'Cause there are only two diseases in the whole wide world — what else could it be? Masters : There's got to be something. Foreman : No, there doesn't. Cuddy : There are still no pustules on her feet. All the reasons you thought it wasn't smallpox still exist. Foreman : Forget her feet. Forget all those other reasons. Look at him now. The pox are dome-shaped. They're on 80% of his body, and they're not scabbing over. This is textbook smallpox. DDX'ing at this point isn't gonna make a difference. Cuddy : Don't say that. Foreman : I'm sorry. House… You screwed up going in there. (Overview of PPTH at night, then back to the isolation room, where the dad is getting worse, Lulu and the son are sitting, and Broda is doing paperwork. House and Cuddy are sitting very closely on each side of the glass wall, looking very intimate.) Cuddy : You have any fever? House : Not yet. But when it does come, I assume you'll see the pettiness of being mad at me for lying. Cuddy : Shut up, House.(They both smile. The father grunts, an alarm beeps, House turns back.) House (to Cuddy, softly) : I'll be right back. (He goes check on the father.) Niles : I'm not gonna make it, am I? House : You should say good-bye to your family. (Niles pants, then nods. House unhooks lines, then wheels the bed close to the glass wall. He steps back near Cuddy.) Niles : I love you. Lulu : Just hold on. Fight this. Niles : You got to take care of my boy. Lulu (Her eyes go wide.): No. Niles : Promise me. Lulu : I promise. (She cries.) I love you. Niles : I love you too. Get Roger closer. Lulu : Come closer. Come on. Roger : Dad. Niles : My baby boy. Roger : Dad, please… Niles : It's gonna be okay. Lulu's gonna take care of you. Roger : I don't want her, dad. She's not you. Niles : I will always love you, Roger. Roger : Dad? (The monitor shows a flatline. The voices fade away as the dad dies, and the music takes over. House quickly wheels the crash cart near the bed, and attempts at resuscitation. He uses the paddles first, then climbs on the bed to perform CPR. He checks the dad's pulse, then looks at the monitor screen : all the lines have gone flat. He stops and looks at Cuddy, then at the dad, defeated.) (Cut to the dad's room. The dad's body is still on the bed. House is sitting as far as he can from it.) House (His voice goes from panicky to upset upon this conversation.): You're klling me! Broda : The suit will protect you if you haven't already been exposed. House : My air supply's almost out. Broda : We'll give you another canister. House : Yeah, and when I change it, I will be exposed. Cuddy : Just move him! Broda : I wish I could. House : Oh, that's great, 'cause you know what you can do? You can move me. You don't know that I have smallpox yet. Broda : We have to assume. Cuddy : There's another isolation room on the fifth floor. Broda : The problem is getting him from here to there. House : So it's inconvenient. My having a fighting chance at life is inconvenient! Broda : I'm sorry. (Cut to Diagnostics office. The team is sitting around the table, brooding. Chase is pacing.) Chase : We don't know that he'll catch it. Masters : We don't know that it's definitely smallpox, not until we get the DNA results back from the CDC. Foreman : What do you think the dad just died of? Masters : Would it kll us to talk it through? Foreman : kll us? No. Save House? Also no. Taub : Even if by some miracle it's not smallpox, there's nothing more for us to go on. There's no new data. And there isn't going to be any— (Masters leaves the room.) Where are you going? Masters : To get more data. (Cut to House's computer screen, where Geerte is back.) Geerte : "Gerritt seems distant and preoccupied." Masters : Who's Gerritt? Is he a slve? Geerte : Gerritt is the Captain's kitty. Chase : The Captain's cat is preoccupied? Taub : Skip the cat. Geerte : Uh, "one goat slaughtered for dinner. Broke out the next barrel of wine." Taub : Skip the food. Masters : Uh, c-can we go back to the cat? Did the cat get sick? Taub : Smallpox is exclusive to humans. Masters : Ship captains didn't have pets. Nothing and nobody went on those ships if it didn't have a purpose. Taub : Hunting mice and rats? Masters : For the crew. The hold was probably infested with mice. What if that's the difference? What happened to Gerritt? Geerte : Ah. Chase : Is that a sad "ah" or a cute "ah"? Geerte : Gerritt, he died. It's a sad "ah." Masters : Before he died, did he lose his fur? Geerte : How did you know? Masters : Mice don't carry smallpox, but they do carry rickettsialpox. Foreman : Which is treatable. (They all hurry out of the room.) (Cut to isolation ward. The team is surrounding Broda.) Masters : Just start them on doxycycline. Broda : Based on a bald cat? You never heard of shedding? Foreman : What's the downside? Broda : If we shove her full of antibiotics plus the antivirals, it'll suppress her bone marrow. Chase : That girl's about to die. Broda : She probably is, and I don't want to risk pushing her over the edge. Masters : At least look at the dad's body. Small patches of black, dad tissue will prove I'm right. Eschars appear with rickettsialpox but not with smallpox. Broda : If he had developed eschars, I would have noticed. Taub : You haven't been within 20 feet of the guy in hours. Chase (gestures to two men carrying cans and entering the room): Have them check. Broda : Their job is to bleach the body, kll the virus, and get it out of there for Dr. House's sake. Masters : Bleaching the body will destroy all evidence of rickettsialpox. Broda : There is no evidence! I'm not trying to hurt anyone here. I'm not lying to you. This is smallpox. Masters (turning to the room) : House, you have to examine the body. House : I'm not going anywhere near it. Masters : Look for eschars. Hurry. House (suddenly interested) : You think it's r-pox? Masters : The Captain had a cat. He lost his fur and then died. (House gets up slowly and gets to the bed.) Broda : Step back, Dr. House. (House uncovers the body, still oozing blood, and start examining it, but is bothered by his gloves.) House : It's kind of hard to do an autopsy in oven mitts. Masters : Take them off. House : Says the woman standing behind two panes of glass. Masters : Do you believe me? Forget me. Do you believe you? You think it's rickettsialpox, don't you? If it is, it's curable, and she's gonna die unless we can prove it. House : You really are annoying. (He takes the gloves off and examines the body closer. Broda gestures to the CDC men to make them hurry.) Masters : Come on, House. Come on. (The two men enter the room and come close to House, still moving the body.) House : Eschar. Eschar! (He shows them a tiny black patch. The men nod to Broda. Everyone looks relieved.) Broda : Get the girl on Doxycyclin. Right now. (Masters looks at House, who takes off his helmet and looks back, somewhat admiring, and relieved.) (Cut to PPTH corridor. It is the end of lockdown. The elevator door opens. Sam and Wilson are wheeling Eve. Her mother runs to her, carrying Lamby.) Eve : Mommy! (They hug. Sam and Wilson are watching.) Wilson : You were good with her. Sam : Yeah, only after being bad. Wilson : It takes practice. (He puts his arm around her shoulders.) Sam : Maybe I should get a puppy. Wilson : Yeah, or… pregnant? (They exchange looks.) (Cut to Julie's room, she is recovering.) Lulu : Hey. You're gonna be okay. Julie (to Roger) : Hey. Roger (hesitantly) : Hey. (Lulu hugs him.) (Cut to Cuddy's office. House barges in, opening the door with his cane.) House : Buy you breakfast? Cuddy (packing her things, and barely looking at him) : No, thanks. House : You can pay… if it's starting to feel like I'm carrying you. Cuddy : House, stop. House (suddenly serious): When I was dying… you realized that a little white lie between coworkers wasn't such a big deal. Cuddy : Yeah, and that was true… when you were dying. (She leaves, leaving House bemused.) END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x07 - A Pox On Our House"}	foreverdreaming
[The scene opens on a sparsely wooded hillside. A man (Ramon) comes into view. He is walking slowly, stumbling and grunting as he struggles to drag a large wooden cross behind him. Four other men accompany him as they cross a downed wire fence. Ramon mutters in Spanish] [They reach their destination on a barren hillside, and Ramon puts the cross on the ground. One of the other men (Marcus) pulls a heavy rope out of his backpack and begins to tie Ramon’s wrists and ankles to the cross. Ramon continues to mutter in Spanish (praying?) as Marcus prepares to hammer a metal spike through Ramon’s left hand] [Ramon cries out in pain and arches his back as the spike is driven through his palm. Marcus goes to the other side of the cross and drives a spike through Ramon’s right hand also, then the four men lift the cross into an upright position and anchor it with some large rocks. The four men stand back and look up at Ramon on the cross. Ramon looks almost triumphant, until he starts coughing up a lot of blood] Marcus: Abajo! Get him down! [The four men run up to the cross] OPENING CREDITS [Scene opens on House walking in the front door of the hospital. Cuddy comes out of the clinic and meets him at the front desk. House picks up his messages and Cuddy (ignoring his comment) lays a patient file on the counter is front of him] House: What you got against chickens? One got choked last night, thanks to you. Cuddy: 33-year-old male with hemoptysis, fever… House: Can't we even talk about it? [House puts his messages in his breast pocket while Cuddy opens the patient file in front of him] Cuddy: You can't apologize, we can't talk. And puncture wounds. House: I'm not apologizing for doing the right thing. Cuddy: Lying to me was not the right thing. Puncture wounds are from a crucifixion. [House, looking interested now, picks up the file] House: I lied to save my patient's life. I didn't lie to you. I lied to my boss. Either of those arguments working yet? (Cuddy turns and walks back toward the clinic) I guess that means I don't have to go to the wedding on Saturday. [House is now walking toward the elevator. Cuddy stops, and pursues him, catching up to him at the elevator doors] Cuddy: The Hospital's Chairman of the Board? I'm not gonna stand him up, and neither are you. House: I loathe weddings and their seven levels of hypocrisy. But you do seem awfully hissy. And there's an outside chance hat I could get you drunk and score. So as long as you don't take it as an admission of guilt, sure, count me in. (The elevator arrives and the doors open) A bit too much honesty? Cuddy: (as House gets into the elevator) You're also going to the rehearsal dinner Friday night. Dressy casual. [Cuddy walks away and the elevator doors close on House] [Cut to House knocking on a hospital room door with his cane. He slides open the door and enters the room of the new patient, Ramon. Masters and Chase follow him into the room. Ramon’s daughter Marisa is sitting beside his bed] House: Housekeeping. Either you're crazy or you're atoning for something naughty, and you're crazy. Masters: (sitting down on a stool beside the bed) He's a doctor. [House boosts himself up and sits on a countertop] Ramon: I'm not atoning for anything. House: That answers that. Thanks. Ramon: (looking at his daughter) My Marisa was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Stage IV glioblastoma. When the doctors said she had two months to live, that's when I made my bargain. House: With your health insurance carrier? Ramon: (looking at House) With God. House: Oh. Ramon: I told him I would nail myself to a cross every year he kept her alive. House: So how did that negotiation go? You lowballed with ear piercing and God countered? [Masters, who is preparing to draw some blood from Ramon, smiles briefly at this comment] Ramon: Three weeks later, she was cancer-free. And that was four years ago. House: Pontius Pilate — misunderstood oncologist. Ramon: My ex-wife thinks I'm crazy too. She moved out the first time I did this. House: Well, at least your daughter has one viable role model. Marisa: You don't believe in God? House: I did. Then I grew my curly hairs. Marisa: So how do you think I was cured? House: Maybe you were misdiagnosed in the first place. Ramon: You have your answer, doctors. We have ours. House: Causal determinism. We are hardwired to need answers. (House gets down off the table and approaches the bed) The cave man who heard a rustle in the bushes checked out to see what it was lived longer than the guy who assumed it was just a breeze. The problem is, when we don't find a logical answer, we settle for a stupid one. Ritual is what happens when we run out of rational. Chase: If you're done mocking him, we need to prep for an LP. House: Good. Another hole in him should really make God's day. [Cut to Wilson entering his office. House is sitting behind Wilson’s desk. He has his feet on the desk and is reading a file] House: Why are you late? Your next dental appointment isn't till January, and you just saw your GP eight days ago. (House puts the file on the desk and scratches his chest) You think stage IV glioblastoma in an eight-year-old could disappear in three weeks? [Wilson hangs up his suit coat and takes his medical coat off of the coat tree] Wilson: I had a flat tire. Your patient has cancer? House: Your tires got less than 5,000 miles on them. No, and neither does my patient's daughter. Wilson: I ht a piece of rebar near a construction site. [Holding his medical coat, Wilson sits down in front of his own desk] Wilson: In three weeks? It's highly unlikely. House: There's no construction site between here and your home. I agree. I think it was a misdiagnosed cyst. [House takes his feet off the desk and leans forward, looking at Wilson suspiciously] Wilson: But there is one between here and my dry cleaner. It could be a misdiagnosis, or it could be spontaneous remission. But… why would I lie about this? House: I don't know yet. But you would have dropped off your tie. It's got a mustard stain. [Wilson looks down at his tie, and realizing that he has been caught out, reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a small box and tosses it to House] Wilson: I was buying an engagement ring. (smiling) I'm gonna propose to Sam at the wedding. House: (looking at the ring) That is the second stupidest thing I've heard today. And I'm surprised how close you came. (House closes the box and tosses it back to Wilson) You don't need to buy her a new ring. Isn't the first one good for all you can marry? Wilson: I assume you haven't apologized to Cuddy yet. Your stupidity demands equal time. House: Nothing to apologize for. Wilson: (pausing for a split second) Pretend to apologize. House: You want me to lie? Wilson: There's a lovely symmetry to it. The lie got you into it. A lie gets you out of it. House: Everybody lies. I'm sure Cuddy… [House stops, a revelatory look on his face. Wilson looks at him questioningly] House: (getting up and hurrying out the door) Just need to give her a chance. Wilson: Yeah, that must have been what I meant. [Cut to the entire team working in the lab] Foreman: Have you seen the bride-to-be? Chase: Gorgeous woman half his age. He's a lucky guy. Foreman: (chuckling) Yeah, for a while. Masters: My father's 19 years older than my mother, and they've been happily married for 32 years. Foreman: I'm guessing your dad wasn't on the Forbes 400 and your mom didn't look like a swimsuit model. Sorry. That didn't come out right. Masters: My father was the classics chair at Columbia, and my mother was his student. His gorgeous student. Taub: What's it mean when somebody takes their cell phone into the bathroom when they're taking a shower? Foreman: It means they don't want you to check their calls, emails, or texts. Chase: If we're talking about your wife, it means the chickens are coming home to roost. [Masters looks up, confused] Chase: (to Masters) Taub has been known to dabble. (he looks back at Taub) Used to be. Masters: Maybe it's just a habit. I do that with my cell phone, and I live alone. Taub: She has a meeting today at 1:30. At a hotel. Master: I'm gonna go with the chicken thing. Negative for Toxocara, Bacteroides, Ascaris, everything. Chase: So what looks like an infection but doesn't test like one? Taub: Animals. Chase: I'm sure your wife's just seeing a dude. Taub: Patient works for Morgan Timber Works. Card's in the file. Specializing in sab, barns, and stalls. He works around animals. Rhodococcus Equi. Chase: Unless this guy's sleeping in the manger… Taub: Or has a history of open wounds. (Taub hurries out of the lab. Chase follows him) [Cut to Taub and Chase entering Ramon’s room] Taub: We think you have Rhodococcus Equi, a horse infection. It's pretty rare in humans, but easily treatable with antibiotics. Ramon: Does it make your teeth fall out? Chase: No. [Ramon holds up a tooth] Chase: (looking inside Ramon’s mouth) Then again, maybe we were wrong. [Cut to House walking down a corridor with the team. He is carrying a garment bag over his shoulder] House: Fever, coughing up blood, coughing up teeth. So either God sweetened the deal with a "no flossing" clause or… Taub: Radiation sickness. Chase: Yeah, maybe the carpenter builds microwave ovens. Masters: Kaposi's sarcoma? Foreman: No skin lesions. Chase: Heavy metal poisoning fits. Canned tuna, sushi, lead paint. House: Heavy metal it is. Do a home search and a peripheral smear. Taub: (stopping) I can't. I have a personal errand to run. House: He stops and turns to Taub) Trying to catch your wife cheating? Taub: Oh… Why would you say that? House: Missing mojo. Posture's slumped. Expression defeated. Didn't try to back up your theory. And Chase told me. Go. Find your mojo. [House turns toward his office, Taub leaves, and the others head off to do the home search and the peripheral smear] [Cut to House talking to Cuddy at a nursing station. He is dressed in a conservative suit with a sweater vest and tie] House: Shopkeeper. I need a patient file. Cuddy: Ask records. House: Not one of our patients. My patient's daughter. Cuddy: Ask your patient. House: He thinks I only want it to debunk his faith. Cuddy: And why would he think that? [Cuddy takes a file across to the other side of the nurses station. House walks around to that side of the desk] House: Because he's strangely perceptive for an idiot. Cuddy: And I'm going to violate patient privacy laws just to keep you happy? House: You keep me happy, I return the favor. Think of it as tat for tit. Cuddy: When we're at work, we need to focus on our work thoughts. (she finally notices his clothing choice) Why are you wearing that? House: It's my dressy casual. What do you think? Cuddy: You look like Wilson. It looks weird. Well, you knew I'd think that. Which makes me wonder why you look disappointed. House: If you prick me, do I not bleed? Cuddy: You knew I wouldn't like it, but you thought I would say I did. That's what this is about. You're trying to trap me into lying to you. House: You sure? 'Cause that sounds so juvenile. (Cuddy leaves) [Cut to Chase and Masters at Ramon’s apartment door. Chase is on his knees trying to pick the lock] Chase: You're okay with burglary now? Masters: I asked his permission. The reason we don't ask permission is we're afraid the patient is going to hide something, but our patient hasn't been home, lives alone. He doesn't have any help, and he has no motive to hide anything. Chase: Did you ask for his key too? Masters: Oh, doesn't have one. [She laughs and opens the unlocked door. They walk into Ramon’s very spare apartment] Chase: And now we know why. You think he's crazy? [Chase heads to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator, which is almost empty] Masters: Crucifixion's pretty convincing evidence. Lead paint? Chase: The place is too new. He believes in a higher power that can affect his life. Like most people on the planet. [Chase continues to search the kitchen, while Masters concentrates on the living room] Masters: True. On the other hand, crucified himself. Chase: (examining some shelf contents) No canned tuna. And I don't think we have to worry about sushi. Masters: No computer. No television. No music. What does he do? Chase: (leafing through a book he has found on the counter) He reads. Prayer's been proven to aid recovery. Masters: Only if the person knows they're being prayed for. Means there's no objective effect. [Masters finds a decorative wooded box containing the spikes Ramon used in the crucifixtion] Chase: So faith comes from within. Not exactly a newsflash. [Chase picks a single empty can out of the kitchen trash and Masters picks up a photo of Ramon and Marisa. In the photograph Ramon appears to weigh more than he does now] Masters: I guess worry is good for the waistline. [Chase comes over to take a closer look at the photo] Chase: It's not worry. It's starvation. His tooth didn't fall out because of heavy metal poisoning. It fell out because of malnutrition. Masters: He does have Rhodococcus Equi. Chase: Taub was right. He just didn't know why. [Cut to House approaching Wilson’s office door. He reaches to open it, but finds it locked. He jiggles the doorknob a few times, then calls to Wilson through the door] House: It's locked. Wilson: (from inside his office) I'm busy! House: I'll wait. [A drawer shuts inside the office, then Wilson flings open the door] Wilson: I really am busy. [House ignores Wilson and pushed past him into the office] House: Cuddy got me the daughter's file. Well, not Cuddy exactly. Her signature. Well, not exactly her signature. Wilson: Another lie? House: Thought you could take a look at it for me. Wilson: Maybe you hadn't heard. I'm kind of busy. House: With what? Wilson: Sudoku. What do you think? I'm the head of oncology at a major hospital. [House walks around the desk and pulls open the top file drawer] House: And yet these files are not from this hospital. These are from where-my-fiancee-works memorial. Wilson: Sam's boss is doing a clinical review of all of her files, and she just wanted to make sure everything was in order before he starts on Monday. House: Which explains why Sam is too busy to look at my file. Wilson: If I don't help her, she can't go to the wedding and… We fell in love at her cousin's wedding, which is why I want to propose to her at a wedding. And now you have 60 seconds to berate me for that and for helping my girlfriend with her homework. House: You don't want to propose at a wedding. Emotions running high, people on edge. You ought to try somewhere like a Buddhist temple or an aquarium. Or a Buddhist aquarium. That only took ten seconds. You can spend the rest of the time on my file. [Cut to Taub at his home. He enters the bedroom, looking for his wife] Taub: Rachel? [Seeing her laptop on the nightstand, he puts it on the bed and opens the lid. His phone rings and he answers it] Taub: (answering his phone) Hey. How long before you're home? Rachel: (walking into the room as she talks to Taub on her phone) Not long. [They both hang up their phones] Taub: Uh, hey. Hey. Uh, you left your laptop on. [Rachel puts down her packages and sitting in a chair, unzips her boots] Rachel: Saw you today. At the hotel. Were you checking up on me? Taub: Yes. Rachel: Satisfied? Taub: Yes. Rachel: Good. [Rachel takes her boots to the closet] Taub: That's it? Rachel: You said you're satisfied. It's enough. Taub: You're not wondering why it started. That makes me think you don't want to talk about this, which makes me think… Rachel: You're being paranoid. Taub: You took your cell phone with you into the bathroom when you took your shower this morning. Rachel: I made a new friend. Online. In a support group. Taub: A guy? Rachel: Yes. Taub: A support group for what? Rachel: For people with unfaithful spouses. [Cut to Masters talking to Ramon, who is finishing up a meal] Masters: Why didn't you tell us you were starving yourself? Ramon: Well, I wasn't trying to. I'm on a tight budget, and it seemed like an okay diet. Masters: Well, you seem to be felling better. Ramon: (with a smile on his face) Not really. My legs are klling me. [She pushes the table aside and pulls down the blankets to look at his legs] Masters: How bad is the pain? On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst. Ramon: (smiling) 9 1/2. Masters: Then why are you smiling? Ramon: I'm not smiling. [Cut to House and the team in Ramon’s room. House is sitting on the side of the bed staring at Ramon intently] Foreman: Leg pain and Pseudobulbar Affect. He's feeling one emotion while unknowingly expressing another one. House: Classic Neurohecatia. Two days of anticholinergics, you'll be walking out of here. Ramon: Really? House: No. I just made that up to see your reaction. Diagnostic test. This is awesome. 33-year-old carpenter presenting with narcissism, delusions of grandeur, hallucinations. Taub: He hasn't had hallucinations. House: I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about "him" with a capital "o-m-g." Chase: You want us to do a differential diagnosis on Jesus? Masters: Hears voices, thinks he's the son of God. Probably Schizophrenic. House: I think you offended him. Taub: You're saying the patient's religious extremism could be a symptom. Foreman: A neuro disorder could explain all his delusions. House: Get an MRI of his brain. Let's see if we can find God. [Cut to House approaching Cuddy at the main desk as she picks up her messages] Cuddy: Heard you got the daughter's file. Patient change his mind? [House follows Cuddy as she heads for her office] House: I forged your signature. Cuddy: Thank you for your honesty. House: Think of it as a present. See, somebody is about to turn the big 4-5 in several months, and somebody else wants to make a very big deal of it. Cuddy: (stopping in front of her office door) 4-3. [She enters her office. House is right behind her] House: 4-3. Are you sure? Cuddy: Very. House: How could I make such a mistake? In reading your HR file? Oh, no, wait, I didn't. And (loudly) boom goes the dynamite. Scores are tied. We are even-steven. Cuddy: You're right. I did lie. To HR. Not to you. When I first applied for the VP Admin job, I was 29 years old. I knew I would be taken more seriously if I were in my early 30s, so I added two years to my age. House: You lied to make yourself older? Are you lying about being a woman? Cuddy: Even if you can trap me, you think I'll suddenly embrace the value of lying? House: My point is you already have. I just need to prove it. [Cut to Chase, Masters, and Taub in the MRI control room] Taub: Chickens aren't roosting. She's just got a friend. A guy she met in an online support group for cheating spouses. Chase: I've heard of that group. It's called irony. Taub: You think she's cheating on her spouse with someone from a cheating spouse support group? Chase: Sounds like the perfect place to ht on vulnerable women. Masters: Look. (Chase freezes the monitor screen) Multiple dense lesions. Chase: It looks like M.S. Masters: How did we miss M.S.? Chase: It was hiding behind the malnutrition. M.S. attcks the immune system. No system, no symptoms. Taub: And now we're feeding him, so they're both back. [Cut to House hanging an IV bag for Ramon] House: How are you feeling? Ramon: (grinning) Terrible. House: Obviously. Where are your friends? Still casting lots for your clothes? Ramon: All I ask is that they pray for me. House: Always sacrificing. Very inspirational. The lesions are in your temporal lobes. When those areas get messed with, people have strange experiences — like hauntings, alien abductions, past lives. Ramon: Deals with God? You didn't come to see if I was better. You came to see if your medicine has turned me into an atheist. House: I'd settle for agnostic. Ramon: Faith is not a disease. House: No, of course not. On the other hand, it is communicable, and it kills a lot of people. [Ramon coughs and House pours a cup of water and holds it out to Ramon] Ramon: (smiling) I can't move my arm. [House puts down the water and runs a pen along Ramon’s forearm] House: You feel that? [Ramon, still smiling, shakes his head “no”] House: Your friends are not praying hard enough. [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House is standing on a stool, wearing a tuxedo shirt and pants, as a tailor moves around him, measuring] Chase: It's not M.S. Foreman: Paralysis is a symptom of M.S. So are leg pain and pseudobulbar affect. Chase: He's getting worse on the prednisone. It's not M.S. Taub: The MRI was clear. He has lesions. Masters: Could be an AVM, cerebral infarction. [House steps down off the stool] House: Let's put it to the vote. (holding one in each hand) Vest or cummerbund? Masters: Cummerbund. [House accepts her judgement and begins to put on the cummerbund] House: You know me. I can't say no to any of you guys. You're all correct. He has M.S. But not the friendly Mr. Rogers M.S. This is the weird guy in the panel van kind. Masters: Marburg M.S.? House: What did I just say? Masters: He'll be dad in two to three days at the most. House: That's unless we can get someone to nail themselves to a cross as soon as possible. Or, stem cell treatment. [The tailor helps House on with the suitcoat] Taub: That's an experimental treatment. Foreman: That's had promising results with demyelinating diseases. It's our best sht. Chase: It would be if it wasn't embryonic stem cell treatment. Our patient's right of the pope. He's never gonna consent to that. House: I know that, and you know that. He doesn't know that. But now she knows that, he's gonna know that. Way to go. [House steps back up onto the stool so the tailor can check the length of the pants] House: Confirm Marburg. Then see if he's a fair-weather flagellator. [Cut to Wilson’s office. House is again sitting behind the desk with his feet up. He is wearing the tux, complete with bowtie, and examining files as Wilson enters] House: (imitating Sean Connery) You look smashing, Miss Moneypenny. Wilson: (Responding in character as Miss Moneypenny) Cummerbund? Very foolish, Mr. Bond. Wilson: The daughter's case checks out. Stereotactic biopsy confirmed stage IV Glioblastoma Multiforme. Doesn't respond to chemo, but they gave it to her anyway as a hail Mary and just got lucky. House: So either God intervened, which is a lazy explanation, or we just don't know why. Which is no explanation. Wilson: Sometimes there is no explanation. And I'm just fine with that. House: Which annoys me to no end. Wilson: I need that file, that chair, and that desk. [House gets up from behind the desk so that Wilson can use his desk] House: Your woman is fudging the facts. Five of those cases, the stated doses don't explain the radiation damage. Wilson: Sensitivities vary. House: Not that much. Wilson: (nodding) Yeah. That's what I thought. (He pauses, sighs, and sits down in his chair) I asked her point blank about this. She said the dosages were accurate and that she had done nothing wrong. House: 'Cause morally she didn't. All five patients were terminal. She exceeded the dosing protocols to try to save their life. You would have done the same. She's a sap, and she's perfect for you. (House leaves the office) [Cut to Cuddy’s office. House is sitting in an easy chair, reading a magazine, and waiting for Cuddy to finish getting ready to go to the rehearsal dinner. He is wearing a dark sport coat, tan pants, a sky blue shirt, red tie, and athletic shoes (his real dressy casual)] House: I hate rehearsal dinners almost as much as I hate weddings. [Cuddy comes out of the bathroom wearing a sexy red dress. She leans over her desk to put some items in a drawer, stretching the fabric of the dress tightly across her derriere. House pauses his rant to admire the view] House: The only reason anyone gets married is that hm* erectus females needed protection from predators while breastfeeding. The only reason these two are getting married is to throw an obnoxious gala and make the rest of us feel unworthy. [Cuddy picks up her purse and some mail from the desk and walks over to where House is sitting. She lifts up her hair as House stands to zip up her dress] House: Even though we know in two years their lawyers are gonna be fighting over the Bentleys. Cuddy: (letting her hair fall) That'll make a lovely toast. [Cuddy grabs her coat from the stand and they leave the office, Cuddy preceding House] House: She's got looks. He's got money. One of them is bound to run out. [Cuddy holds her purse and the mail behind her, handing them to House so that she can put on her coat] Cuddy: I give it 19 months. House: That's very specific. [The stop at the front desk, where Cuddy puts the mail in an outbox and retrieves her purse from House] Cuddy: No fault divorce in New Jersey requires couples to live at least 18 months apart. I'm actually only giving it a few weeks. House: Oh. Thought I was supposed to be the dark one. Cuddy: Not today. [As they head for the front doors of the hospital, House’s cell phone rings] House: (into the phone) Yeah. [House listens for a minute, then closes and pockets the phone] House: (to Cuddy) You're gonna have to go stag. My patient is refusing treatment. Cuddy: And you care? House: No. But it's an excuse you can't argue with. [House turns back into the hospital as Cuddy leaves for the rehearsal dinner] [Cut to Ramon’s hospital room. Masters stands at the foot of the bed. House sits on a stool against the wall as he tries to persuade Ramon to accept treatment] Ramon: Accepting this treatment is an insult to God. I can't expect him to keep our deal. House: You already broke it. Your blood test showed you were loaded with ibuprofen. Ramon: Taking painkillers breaks my deal? House: The point is to suffer like your savior did, right? Well, he didn't take myrrh, the Tylenol of ancient Rome. And his nails went through his wrists, not through his palms. Palms are for sissies. And what about the 39 lashes and the beatings and the crown of thorns? What you go through is closer to a bad manicure than a crucifixion. Ramon: It's not about showing God my pain. It's about showing him my faith. If he asks me to die for my daughter, I'll do it gladly. House: Don't make this about your daughter. (House rolls the stool closer to the bed) You're just worried that if we find a cure, that it'll cost you your faith. And then you'll be like the rest of us. Ramon: Alone and afraid? You're right. I don't want that. Masters: You're smiling. Does that mean that you're comfortable with your choice? Or that you're afraid? Because this may be your only hope. Ramon: You can prescribe a lot of things, but hope isn't one of 'em. House: Sticking by your convictions and damning the consequences. You two have a lot in common. You're both idiots. [House picks up his cane and walks out of the room. Masters looks at Ramon for a second and then runs to catch up with House] Masters: All conviction's equally ridiculous? House: Just when they're applied indiscriminately to all circumstances. Masters: He needs to see his daughter. House: He needs to see Inherit the Wind. Masters: And tell her he's dying because God doesn't want him to take his medicine. [House stops and turns to look at her] Masters: Honesty's not all bad. House: (nodding) Get her in here. [Cut to Marisa sitting by her Father’s bed] Marisa: You don't have to die, not if you take their medicine. Ramon: (smiling) The treatment violates God's laws. He doesn't want me to take it. Marisa: But God doesn't want you to die. He doesn't want anyone to die. He's all about love. Ramon: I know this is coming from your mother. Marisa: This is coming from me. I'm the one who almost died. I know what it's like. And you're my daddy. You can't die. Ramon: I wish I didn't have to. Marisa: You don't have to, daddy. Just take the medicine. You always tell me to take the medicine. Please. (She is pleading) Ramon: One day, you're going to understand. Marisa: No, I'm not. I am never going to understand that. If God could do this, I hate God. [Cut to the wedding reception where VV Brown’s Shark in the Water is playing. People are dancing and drinking. There is a quick sht of the PPTH chairman of the board and his new bride dancing] ♫ sometimes I get my head ♫ ♫ in a dilly ♫ ♫ feeling so lost ♫ ♫ ticking you off ♫ [Cut to Foreman drinking alone at the bar. Chase approaches] Chase: I just spotted a couple of hot girls by the chocolate fountain. Foreman: Weren't you just upstairs with… Chase: And it wouldn't have happened if not for you, buddy. Someone had to distract the sober friend. Foreman: I'm not here to be your wingman. Chase: I'll be your wingman this time. Foreman: I didn't come here to get laid. Chase: Then don't. Talking to beautiful women isn't nearly as much fun as watching Taub not talking to his wife. [Cut to Taub and Rachel on the dance floor. Rachel is dancing, Taub is moving around, but not really dancing] Taub: I went through your emails. Rachel: There's nothing in there that's inappropriate. We're friends, Chris. Taub: But you tell him things that you've never told me. Rachel: I tell him things I can't tell you. That's the point. Taub: Not things about me. About you. About your new job. About coloring your hair. About how you felt when your mother died. I want to know those things. Rachel: He's easy to talk to. (She stops dancing) He's open and honest. He makes me feel safe. Taub: Sounds like you love him. Rachel: I am not having an affair. He lives in Oregon. I've never met him. I probably never will. Taub: You are having an affair. An emotional one. Rachel: Are you equating what I'm doing with what you did? Taub: I've done terrible things to you, and I deserve all of this and more, but you can't pretend that what you're doing isn't hurtful. [Rachel leaves the dance floor and the camera pans over the crowd to find House and Cuddy dancing also. House is wearing his tux and Cuddy is wearing a gorgeous, strapless, turquoise dress] House: Someone looks lovely tonight. Cuddy: Thank you. House: I meant me. Someone else looks simply stunning. That was you. And the blonde at the bar. Cuddy: Just to be clear, this whole little act isn't gonna work. I need an apology. Not flattery. House: It's not an act. It's the wedding. Cuddy: You hate weddings. House: I thought I did. Then I realized I've never been to one. Cuddy: Never? House: Turns out they're kind of fun. [Cut to Chase and Foreman hanging around the chocolate fountain with two girls] Chase: Well, I can't complain about my boss. He's right here. Nika: (to Foreman) You're his boss? Foreman: Um… Chase: Only Mondays through Fridays. (putting his arm around Foreman’s shoulder) On the weekends he’s my bro. [Nika gulps down the rest of her drink. She is clearly tipsy] Foreman: (to the girls) This round’s on the bro? (He leaves to get another round of drinks) [Cut to Ramon’s room at PPTH where on Masters is left to care for their patient] Masters: Um. I'm sorry about your daughter. I never meant to hurt her. Ramon: You just thought she would change my mind. Masters: I was surprised she didn't. Ramon: So was I. I didn't tell you the truth. When I said I'm not afraid to die. Masters: But you're going straight to heaven, so… Ramon: That's what I believe, but I'm human. Masters: So you know you may be wrong. How could you do what you just did? Ramon: That's why we have beliefs. So we can still see the right thing to do when we're blinded with doubt and fear. Our beliefs define us. If we lose them, who are we? [Cut to Rachel sitting by herself away from the dance floor. Taub approaches] Taub: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to go that way. Rachel: You think I'm being selfish, but I'm not. He makes me feel better about me and about us. Taub: Well, that is hard to believe, because all I feel right now is, is betrayed. Rachel: I never wanted that. Taub: Good. Because just like you asked me to stop my behavior, I'm asking you to stop this. [Rachel shakes her head] Taub: No? Rachel: I'm not gonna lie to you. Taub: Is this revenge? Rachel: I don't know. But I do know that it's something I need right now. (Taub turns and leaves her) [Cut to House and Cuddy. They are no longer dancing themselves, but are watching the newly married couple on the dance floor] House: What would you wear? Cuddy: Well, I'm a sucker for the white gown. House: Traditionally for young, first-time brides. Cuddy: Well, I may not be young, but I'll be first-time. (She refills her glass at a champagne fountain) House: That is a lie. (she looks at him in disbelief) You were married before. 1987 for six days. (Cuddy looks at him questioningly) Your knowledge of New Jersey divorce law made me suspicious, so I looked it up. Cuddy: So this was all your trap? House: Uhh, a trap's primitive. I prefer inveiglement. Anyway, the point is, I lied to you, you lied to me, I forgive you. Cuddy: Well played. (She puts down her glass and walks away from him) [Cut to Wilson and Sam, also at the reception, but sitting on the sidelines. Sam is stroking Wilson’s face] Sam: You're tired, aren't you? All those files? Wilson: No. No, I was thinking… I mean, if those two even have the slightest chance of making it, then we have to be a sure thing. And we've already made all our mistakes. And… [Wilson gets up, pushes aside his chair and kneels down in front of Sam] Wilson: I've come to realize that I love you even more than I thought I did. (Wilson opens the ring box) Sam, will you marry me again? [Sam laughs and then kisses him] Sam: Wow. I don't even know what to say. Wilson: I have a suggestion. Sam: Where did this even come from? When did you… You just came to realize what made you love me even more? Wilson: Everything you've done. Your work. Your… your sense of morality. The five cases. I not only agree with what you did. I admire it. Sam: I didn't do anything. You already asked me about the files. And I told you the truth. Wilson: I know. And I get it. Sam: You don't believe me. Wilson: I believe that you are a wonderful person. Sam: Who lies and cheats. Wilson: No, Sam, I’m… Listen, I'm on your side. Sam: I can't believe this. (She leaves) Wilson: What? Sam. Sam, don't do this… [The music switches to the upbeat Love Rollercoaster by the Ohio Players] ♫ Rollercoaster ♫ ♫ Rollercoaster ♫ ♫ of love ♫ ♫ Rollercoaster ♫ ♫ Your love is like a roller coaster ♫ ♫ baby baby ♫ [Cut back to Foreman, who has returned to the chocolate fountain with drinks only to spot Chase leaving the reception with both girls. He pours both drinks into the same glass and chugs the whole thing in one gulp] [Cut to sometime near the end of the reception. There is no more music and wait staff are clearing tables. House, Taub, Foreman, and Wilson stand leaning on a long table] House: (talking about Chase) So how many do you think? Foreman: At least three. House: Hat trick, Chase. (He picks up a glass of champagne from the table and takes a sip) See? The life of the bachelor. All of the sex, none of the guilt. Taub: It's not over, okay? I just really miscalculated. I thought she'd forgiven me for everything. All those hurt feelings, they never really went away. House: That makes a lot more sense. Wilson: Ignore him. He just got an idea. House: (grabbing his jacket and cane and leaving them) I have one more test to run. Foreman: Ugh. I hate weddings. [Cut to House entering Ramon’s room] House: It won't be long now. You'll be staring down the yawning void before you know it. Ramon: You came from a wedding to tell me that? House: Nope. I came from a wedding to run a PET scan. [House pulls a stool up to the side of the bed and sits] Ramon: I thought you'd given up on me. House: I have. PET scan was for your daughter. I was wrong about her. She did have glioblastoma. And she still does. The cancer never went away. Ramon: Yes, it did. They tested her every year. With a CT scan. House: Which misses all the tiny, little tumors that a PET scan doesn't. Ramon: You've made a mistake. She does not have cancer anymore. House: I ran it twice. No mistake. Looks like God broke your deal. I'm sorry. But I'm also right. [House starts to leave when Ramon speaks again] Ramon: You're a bastard. Do whatever you want to me. House: Good call. [Cut to Taub and Foreman in the MRI control room. Chase enters and sits down in front of a monitor] Foreman: Surprised you've got enough strength to come to work today. Chase: 36 hours is long enough for me to recover. And not nearly long enough for this guy to be getting better. Taub: House wanted us checking every 12 hours anyway. Chase: (to Foreman) Sorry I took off on you. Foreman: Twice? Chase: First one was my bad. Second one, I had no choice. It was a threesome. Taub: They're overrated. [Chase and Foreman look at one another] Chase and Foreman: He's bluffing. [beep beep] Taub: Get House. [Cut to House showing a PET scan film to Ramon. Masters in also present] House: Got something to show you. Your daughter's PET scan. It's clean. She's fine. My bad. Got her mixed up with Marion Silver. Marisa Silva. That's believable, right? Anyhow, good news for you, bad news for Mr. Silver. Ramon: You tricked me. God didn't break our deal. I did. You led me into temptation. And I followed. House: And God will punish you for that. Ramon: He has to. House: Cause if he didn't, well, that would make you wonder, wouldn't it? Ramon: He will. House: Well, that's why I'm so confused by this. (He holds up a MRI scan film) This is your MRI. Shows incremental improvement. You're getting better. I double-checked the name on this one. But it's not all good news. This patient is screwed. (He holds up a third film) Technical term is dad as a doornail. Ramon: Who is that? House: God. You broke your deal with him, your daughter's fine, you're getting better. Nothing bad happened. Which can only mean one thing. There is no God. Of course, if your daughter gets ht by a meteorite today, I would have some serious egg on my face. [Ramon laughs] House: You're smiling. I assume that means you're miserable. Ramon: It means I'm happy. It doesn't mean God doesn't exist. It just means he's-he's truly merciful. My beautiful Marisa was right. God is all about love. House: Punishment is proof of God, and no punishment is proof of God? Ingenious argument. Ramon: Faith isn't an argument. I'd like to see my daughter. [House grabs his cane and leaves the room. Masters gathers up all the radiology scans and follows him out into the hallway] Masters: (moving quickly to catch up to House) Everyone else knew? House: Everyone I could trust. So yes. Masters: If you had told me, he'd be dad by now. So why do I still want to tell the truth? House: Either you're naïve or you have scruples. I'm not sure which is worse. Masters: This is insane. We can't work like this. [Masters stops and House walks on, leaving her behind] House: I can. [Cut to Wilson’s apartment. He has just found Sam in the bedroom, packing] Wilson: Sam? Sam: Sorry. I was hoping to be done before you got home. Wilson: We had a fight. We had one fight. And I admitted I was wrong. We can talk about it. We can get over it. Sam: This is about trust. Wilson: I never lied to you about anything. Sam: I know. And I always trusted you. Wilson: I… Maybe we could talk to a counselor. You said that helped after our divorce. Sam: It did. And I think I changed a lot. Wilson: And I haven't? This is my fault? Sam: I know where this is going. And I don't want to go there again. Wilson: You're quitting, Sam. You're quitting, again. So I guess you haven't changed that much. [Sam closes her suitcase, zips it up, and setting it on the floor, moves toward the bedroom door. She and Wilson stand looking at one another for a long second, then she walks out of the room, and presumably, out of the apartment] [Cut to Cuddy sitting behind her desk at PPTH. There is a creak as the door opens] Cuddy: (to House, who has entered the office) Good work today. I don't even think your patient's gonna sue. It looks like everybody's happy. [House sits in a chair in front of the desk and sighs] House: I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and believe. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. (pause) I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again. Cuddy: Thank you. [Cut to House’s apartment. There is a knock on the door. House opens the door to Wilson, who enters and plops down onto the couch] Wilson: Sam left me. House: What a moron. Wilson: Too soon. I'm still in love with her. House: I meant you. Wilson: Do you have a drink? Or drinks? House: Cuddy's coming over. Wilson: (looking up at House) Does she know you're here? House: I apologized to her. Wilson: (standing up and looking at House) Good for you. [Wilson goes to the front door and prepares to leave] House: Not really. I lied. (He turns to face Wilson) I just took your advice. Too bad you didn't. Wilson: Good for you. [Wilson leaves] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x08 - Small Sacrifices"}	foreverdreaming
(The scene opens on a crowded underground platform. Jack, a man in his mid-thirties, is walking through the crowd with his daughter.) Daisy : What's the difference between a sea lion and a seal? Jack : What's that, baby? Daisy : What's the difference between a sea lion and a seal? Jack : Um, seals tell the truth, but a sea lion's always lyin'? Daisy : A sea lion has ears. Jack : Yeah, that's right. I forgot. Daisy : I'll show you when we get to the zoo. Can we have pizza tonight? Jack : I'm not gonna be here, Daisy. I'm-I'm going back on the road, remember? Daisy : You've only been here for two days. Jack : I'll be back in three weeks this time. Woman : Somebody help her! (A young woman has fallen on the track and is lying on her back. She is seizing.) Man : She's having a seizure! Man #2 : On the track? Man #3 : Yeah, there's a lady down there. (Jack looks around him, and jumps down the track. He takes a few cautious steps, then goes check on the woman. We can see and hear the train coming.) Daisy : Daddy, come back! Daddy! Jack : Hey. Lady, are you okay? Come on, come on, hey, wake up! Come on! Get up! Hey! Come on. (The train is coming quickly. Jack realizes he won't be able to bring the woman up fast enough. The crowd screams.) Help me! Somebody help me! Come on! Man (holding his hand out) : Hurry up! Hurry up! (The train conductor sees people on the track and hits the emergency button. The train begins to brake, but too late.) Jack : Aah! (he lies down on the woman. The train rolls over them and stops. The alarm starts sounding. People are crying on the platform.) Daisy : Daddy! Woman (pounding on the train's door) : Move the train! Move the train! (Other people start pounding.) (The train moves slowly, revealing Jack still lying on the woman. As people cry on the platform, his hand moves. He slowly gets up and looks around.) Man : Hey, man, are you okay? Jack : Yeah, I think so. (The crowd starts to cheer and applaud. Jack helps the woman up. She seems okay. He reads her medical ID bracelet and hugs her.) Jack : She's epileptic. Come on, let's get you up. You got her? Man : Yeah, we got her. Jack : Hey, sweetie, I'm okay. Daisy : Daddy? (He faints and falls on the railway.) (Roll credits.) (Cut to House entering the Diagnostics office. Masters is standing in front of the table, the guys are sitting. House goes straight to the coffee machine.) Masters (cheerful, giving each team member a file, with their name on a post-it. Chase and Taub throw the post-it away with disgusted looks): I found this case, uh, in the E.R. — white male, mid 30s, loss of consciousness, abnormal EKG. And he's the subway hero. (She chuckles. The guys look defeated.) House (very unimpressed, pouring himself coffee) : Your enthusiasm is impressive. Wish I could say the same about your presentation. Everybody knows you lead with your most interesting symptom. Masters : You're right. EKG is more interesting than loss of consciousness, so— House : God, she's still talking. Make it stop. Chase (in a patient tone): House's worldview doesn't include random acts of self-sacrifice. He's gonna count heroism as a symptom until proven otherwise. Masters : The guy did a wonderful thing. Can't we just take that at face value? (House sits at the table. Masters gives him a file with his name on a post it, too.) House: You are adorable. Heroism does exist. Masters : What about the guy who landed the plane in the Hudson? House: News flash — that guy was already on the plane. For all we know, he would have klled everyone else on board if it increased his chances. Faced with almost certain death, a normal person rides the pine. Masters : What about firefighters? House: The guys who undergo months of training to deny their own instincts for self-preservation? Taub : And the patient isn't a firefighter. He plays a bass in a band. Masters : So humanity is apathetic and self-serving? House : Yeah. Taub : I was mugged once. When I saw the gn, my legs went out. Chase : I always thought it was fight or flight. Didn't know it was fight or flight or faint. (He laughs.) Taub : Laugh all you want. The other hundred people stayed on that platform. That's a normal response to danger. House : The coward has spoken. (Taub raises his closed fist.) Our patient's problem is neurological. Sympathetic stimulation — stress to the brain triggers a response in the heart. Go forth and look for masses in Clark Kent's limbic system. (Cut to Jack's room. We see a huge bouquet, with a card saying ”Jack! You're a hero!” and a smiley. Hospital employees are standing in front of the glass wall, taking pictures with their phones.) Chase : Seems like you're getting a bit of attention. Jack : Everyone keeps going out of their way asking me if I need anything. It's kind of nice. (He waves at them.) Masters : So what happened out there? Jack : I don't really remember. It's just images, like flashes. I kind of went on autopilot. My memory doesn't go back into real time until I was in the ambulance. (A young woman, looking upset, walks quickly to the room.) Masters : I read that's pretty common for people in life-or-death situations. Eva : Jack. Jack : Honey. Uh, this is my wife, Eva. Eva : Are you okay? Jack : Yeah, I'm fine. They're just doing some tests. How's Daisy? Eva : She's not so good, actually. She watched her father jump in front of a train. Ugh. She's still shaking. She can't stop crying. Why would you do that to her? Masters : He saved a woman's life. Eva : He could have died. Did you even think about your family? (Cut to Cuddy's office. Cuddy is sitting at her desk and working on her laptop. House is pacing in front of her.) House : I need your advice. Dinner with your mom on Thursday. Cuddy (she frowns and closes her laptop.): It's my birthday. House (still pacing and gesturing a lot) : I know. I'm definitely coming, but Wilson's got tickets to the Hong Kong film festival. Ever since his breakup, he's been a mess. I haven't been able to tell him that I'm not going, so maybe if you happen to see him, you could mention how important this is. (He stops and waits intently.) Cuddy (shakes her head and sighs) : You should go. House : What? I can't. It's your birthday. Cuddy (rather reluctantly) : Oh, it's-it's-it's fine. It's sweet that you care about your friend, and, frankly, as you will find out sooner or later, my mother is a handful. Go. (Cut to Wilson's office. Wilson is sitting at his desk. House is pacing in front of him. He uses exactly the same tone than before.) House : I need your advice. This film festival. Wilson (in a warning tone) : I have had these tickets for two months. House : Yeah, I know. I'm definitely coming. Wilson : Okay. House : But Thursday is Cuddy's birthday, and her mom's coming down — it's a whole dinner thing. (Wilson puts his forehead on his hand and shakes his head.) And I thought, maybe if you see her, you could mention how upset you've been. Wilson : You have to go. Your girlfriend's birthday? It's not even a question. House : She has one every year. How often do you break up with the love of your life? (Considering it) Okay, for you, it's more often than most, but still… Wilson : I'm a big boy. I think I'll survive. House (opening the door as Wilson waves him out) : I will definitely make this up to you. (He leaves. Wilson rubs his forehead.) (Cut to Taub driving back home. He passes by a billboard and does a double take : there is an ad for PPTH. It says “Be Better” and shows a giant picture of a smiling Taub, wearing a lab coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. He looks like the perfect doctor.) (Cut to Taub entering his apartment. He picks up the mail in the lobby, then enters the living room. Rachel is sitting on the couch with her bare feet on the coffee table and a laptop on her legs.) Rachel : Hey. Am I imagining things, or did I see a billboard with your face on it on my way home tonight? Taub : Oh, was my whole face there? 'Cause I just saw the nose. Rachel (she chuckles, but is still looking at her screen) : I thought you said they were taking a picture of a bunch of doctors together. Taub : They did. I have no idea how it ended up just me. (he checks his mail.) Rachel : Well, you are pretty cute. Taub : You're flirting with me? Rachel : I don't see anyone else in the room. What? Taub : I don't know. Things have been a little tense around here since that whole online-boyfriend thing. Rachel (taking the laptop away and turning his attention to Taub) : Phil's not my boyfriend. I'm not the one with the problem. Taub : No, you're the one with feelings for someone else. Rachel : You're still my husband. (She kisses him.) I still love you. (They kiss again.) And I want things to be okay between us. (One more kiss.) Also, you're a famous model now. That's pretty cool… sexy, even. [They both chuckle and start to kiss more intently. Rachel starts straddling Taub.] (Cut to an OR. Jack is lying on the table, Masters and Chase are wearing blue scrubs. Masters is performing the exam and Chase is supervising her. We can hear a monitor beeping.) Masters : So I advance through the carotid bifurcation… Chase : Are you asking? Masters : Yes, I'm asking. I've only read how to do it. Practice is different than theory. Just tell me how to do it. Chase : You're going to inject dye just past the takeoff for the optic artery. Masters : Right. Now? (The monitor starts beeping faster.) Chases : His B.P.'s going up. The procedure's stressing his body. (He massages Jack's carotid.) Masters : Well, what do I do? Chase : Hold on a minute. Just give him a chance to regain equilibrium. B.P.'s up, heart rate's 180. Masters : W-what should I do? Chase (taking over) : Give me the catheter. Get a crash cart. (Alarm beeping. Masters runs to the crash cart.) He's in cardiac arrest. Maybe your second time will go better. (Cut to a bus stop in front of the hospital, showing the ad with Taub's face. The team is at the bus stop. House is looking closely at Taub's picture. The real Taub looks nervous.) House : So we finally know what Taub would look like if he were life-size. (He smiles smugly.) Taub : Can we go back to the office now? House : You kidding? We got a differential to run. (He hangs his cane on the bus shelter, pulls out a sharpie and start scribbling on the glass). Cardiac arrhythmia. Taub : That poster got me laid when I got home last night, so do your worst. Masters : Arrhythmia proves I was right. Jack's problem is his heart, not his brain. House : So when you're not on a billboard, you sleep with nurses. But when you are, you sleep with your wife. I think you got that backwards. Chase : That's my elbow in the corner. What's your wife doing later? Masters : Huh. They chose you and cut out Chase? Taub : Apparently, marketing thinks my face is the most trustworthy. Foreman : For real? (Taub nods slightly. Foreman laughs. Chase smiles. House smirks.) Masters : Both of our patients' cardiac incidents happened after physical stress. I'm guessing vasovagal syncope? House : Buzzkill. (He goes back to writing on the glass.) Taub : Vasovagal syncope would manifest at a much younger age. Could be drugs. Masters : Tox screen was clean. Foreman : What about autonomic nervous system dysfunction? It could cause arrhythmia and fainting. (We finally see what House was doing. He has improved Taub's picture, making him look very close to htler. Taub facepalms with both hands.) House : Inappropriate? I mean, 'cause of the Jew thing? Autonomic nervous system dysfunction — I like it. (He caps the pen.) Let's biopsy his pituitary gland. Masters : Adrenal venous sampling makes more sense and is a less invasive procedure… which you don't care about, because you just want to check the pituitary, because you still think there's something wrong with the guy's brain? House : Can't fool you. Chase : He has no other symptoms for pituitary disease. We can't stick a needle in his brain because you don't believe in heroism. House : Fine, do it your way. You'll waste half a day, but I'm sure he's in no hurry to get better. (Cut to Jack's room. Eva and Jack are listening to Chase, Daisy is sitting nearby.) Chase : The autonomic nervous system controls involuntary actions, like your heartbeat. If we're right, it's manageable, but will progress. Eva (gesturing to Taub, in the corridor.) : Do you think we can consult with him? Chase : I didn't know you knew Dr. Taub. Eva : I don't. Chase : You saw the ads. Eva : Look, no offense, but you were wrong yesterday. And they wouldn't have made him the face of the hospital if he weren't really good, right? Chase (He goes to the door, and clears his throat.) : Dr. Taub… the patient would like to see you. (He keeps the door open for Taub to enter.) Taub (He straightens his tie and enters with a benevolent smile) : How can I help? (Cut to House's face. He is looking inside the fridge in the doctor lounge, takes an apple, takes a bite and makes a face. He puts the apple back, takes a plastic box and looks at the tag. He closes the door, turns back and jumps in surprise when he sees Cuddy and Wilson, silent and disapproving. Wilson has his arms crossed, Cuddy is sitting on a table. House sighs.) House : I forgot. You guys talk. (To Cuddy) Look, no offense to either of you, but dinner with your mom? Come on, I-I'd have to act like a decent human being (Cuddy almost smiles), and you know what a strain that puts on me. And you (Wilson rises his eyebrows), ever since you broke up with Sam, you've done nothing but mope and whine. It's an unbelievable bummer. Wilson : And just what is so exciting you have to blow off both of us to do it? House : I just want to sit on my couch in my underwear, drink scotch, and watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey… by myself. I just want one night off. Is that so much to ask? Cuddy and Wilson, in unison : Yes. Cuddy : You have to choose one of us. House (hesitating for a split second): I choose Wilson. Cuddy (she gets up and smiles) : Good… because he's coming to my birthday dinner. (This leaves House speechless.) Wilson : I do not whine. (Cut to PPTH corridor. Eva and Taub are sitting on a bench, in front of the water wall.) Eva : Jack's not exactly the hero type. He started this band in college. They gig around the country, looking for their big break. It's been 16 years. Taub : That must be hard on you and Daisy. Eva : It's like I'm a single parent. I love him so much. But I'm at the end of my rope. Taub : What Jack did yesterday was so incredible, our boss assumed his illness had something to do with his behavior. But if that's not the case, there's more to him than you think. (Eva smiles and nods slightly.) (Cut to Chase and Foreman working in the lab.) Chase : You think Taub really comes across as the most trustworthy doctor here? Foreman (He chuckles.) : I knew it was bugging you. Chase : They cut me out. Foreman : You're a pretty boy. Works well with the ladies, not so much with the patients. No one wants an underwear model performing their splenectomy. Chase : Well, I notice they weren't exactly knocking down your door looking for Dr. Trustworthy. Foreman : That's 'cause I'm black. (Chase looks surprised.) Cortisol levels look normal. We were wrong. Chase : Which House will interpret as him being right. He's gonna make us biopsy the pituitary gland. (Cut to the OR and Chase performing the pituitary gland biopsy and Foreman watching.) Chase : You seem pretty calm for a guy who's surrounded by rcist. Foreman : 80% of the Princeton population is white. Some are rcist. Some aren't. White works with both demographics. Chase : So race is your excuse, not the fact that you usually look like you're about to punch someone in the face? We're good. Foreman : O2 sats are dropping. (The alarm starts beeping. Chase checks.] Chase : He's not breathing. Suction. (He gets the pump, we can hear the tube slurping, and the alarm stops.) Foreman : Sats are coming back. Chase : Mucus plug. That's weird. Foreman : Fluid in the lungs. Chase : Pneumonitis? That doesn't fit with anyone's theory. (Cut to Diagnostics outer office. The whole team is sitting at the table.) Masters : Our tests finally rule out the brain. That leaves the heart and the lungs. Chase : Pneumonitis can be caused by bacteria, parasite, some kind of an obstruction. House : Who was the girl on the tracks? Foreman : News story said her name was Chloe Jeffries. Why does that matter? House : 'Cause there's another reason besides being sick that he'd risk his life for a stranger. She's not a stranger. (Taub rolls his eyes.) The damsel in distress is an epileptic. So we assumed she was having an epileptic seizure, but what if she wasn't? What if she's sick too? Chase : Jack is away a lot on tour. What happens on the road stays on the road. Masters : The most likely cause of pneumonitis is infection. Shouldn't we be getting a sputum culture? House : There's no significant elevation of white blood cell count. This is more like toxic exposure. Foreman : He's got a point. Masters : Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness? House : Because my assumption is backed up by millions of men, and Taub, who've cheated on their wives. Find the girl and the love nest. Every hero has his Kryptonite. (Cut to Chase entering Chloe's apartment, followed by Taub.) Chase : Hello? Taub : So we're breaking into this girl's apartment because House thinks that two people, standing 30 feet apart on a subway platform have to be lovers. Chase : God, you're a drag today. Let me guess. Back to fighting with the wife? (They start to search the room.) Taub : No. We had sex again last night… twice… and again this morning. Chase : Aw. Taub : Rachel hasn't wanted this much intimacy in a long time. I don't think it's me she's hot for. It's this Internet guy. She's just happy, and that's turning her on. Chase : So she's not cheating on you, and you're getting all the action you can handle. I don't see the downside. (Taking a CD) What was Jack's band called? Taub : su1c1de… something. Chase (showing the CD) : su1c1de Season. She does know him. Question is, how'd they get sick? Taub (Holding up a roach bmb) : Kryptonite. (Cut to the Clinic. House is reading results and writing on a chart.) House : EKG's unremarkable, thyroid, liver, and kidney function seems fine. You're perfectly healthy. (The camera pans and we see a blonde woman in her sixties, dressed in pink, very elegant, listening to him intently.) Arlene : I wish that you would take a second look. I'm tired all the time, and when it's cold, I get this weird pain in my shoulder. House : I have a pain in my leg. You don't hear me complaining… (small smile) Except for just now. Arlene : How do doctors get this idea you're better than everyone else? House : Probably all that pulling people back from the brink of death. It's just a guess. Arlene : My own daughter is a doctor. She makes a hobby of dismissing my concerns. House (he smiles again and starts to leave) : She sounds smart. Arlene : Did she tell you to say that? House (he scoffs and stops at the door): I've never met your daughter. Arlene : That's hard to believe, since you're currently shtupping her. (She turns back to a stunned, speechless House.) (Cut to House leaving the exam room, still in shock, and looking maybe a little afraid. He goes straight to Cuddy's office. Seeing she's not there, he pulls out his cell phone and calls her on speed dial.) House : We have a situation. (Cut to Jack's room. He is sitting in his bed, wearing a nasal cannula, looking more sick and tired.) Jack : Roach bmb, where? Taub : In Chloe's apartment. Jack : Who's Chloe? Taub : Uh, look, we don't care about your personal life. We're not gonna tell your wife. Jack : I honestly have no idea what you're talking about. Masters : Guess who showed up looking for Jack. (The woman from the station walks in.) Jack (straightening up) : Hey. Chloe : Hi. Jack : You okay? The E.M.T. said you'd gone to another hospital. Chloe : They help me overnight for observation. I'm fine. I had to come here to… I don't know why you did it, but thank you. Jack : You're welcome. Chloe : I should have brought flowers or something. You're like my guardian angel. Jack : No. I'm just a guy in a band. Chase : Maybe you've heard of them? su1c1de Season? Chloe : One of my nurses gave me the CD. I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet, but I have a feeling I'm going to be your biggest fan. Masters (puts a sterile pot in front of Jack) : I'm gonna need you to cough. Chase : What are you doing? Masters : Getting a sputum culture. They obviously don't know each other, so it's not toxic exposure. Just leaves my theory — infection. If you could just cough up a sample, we can, uh, test for pathogens. Jack : Um… [Coughing] Sorry, um… sorry, nothing — there's nothing coming up. Masters : Well, maybe I can help you. (She taps his back.) Jack : Aah! Ohh! It hurts! (He holds his head with his hands.) Chloe : What's the matter? Taub (examining Jack with a penlight.) : Round, equal, reactive to light. It's not a stroke. Jack (moaning) : No, it's not my head. It's my ears. (Cut to House in the Diagnostics outer office, reading a newspaper out loud. Jack saving Chloe is the front-page story. The fellows listen to him.) House : "When I saw her lying there, I thought, "'I can't just stand here and let her die. She has her whole life to live.'" Masters : He didn't jump because he was sick or because he knew that girl. Even you have to admit that now. (House shows the newspaper to Taub. There is the PPTH ad on it. Taub turns the paper with his face down to the table.) House : Yes, but that doesn't make him a hero. It makes him an idiot. The only reason that headline doesn't say "moron crushed by train" is luck. Taub : Next headline is gonna be "moron goes undiagnosed because doctors won't talk about his ear pain." Masters : Ear pain fits with my theory. Jack has an infection that's spread to his mastoid. House : Great. We'll confirm that in a week, when your secret cultures have sprouted. Masters : Am I in trouble? House : I only get mad when you waste my time. Couldn't care less about yours. But let me know when they come back negative, and I'll mock you. Masters : You have a better idea? House : Nope, so I'm gonna pick one at random. Acoustic neuroma. Foreman : A tumor in the ear — makes sense. And if it's putting pressure on the breathing centers in his brain, explains the lungs. House : The lungs explain the heart. (Taub's pager beeps. He looks at it and seems surprised.) House : Evoked auditory potential test. This counts as my time. (He leaves.) Taub : You guys got this? (He leaves, too.) (Cut to House entering Cuddy's office.) House : I have been going out of my way to be nice to old Jewish ladies for months now on the off chance one of them could be your mom. You couldn't have mentioned she's a shiksa? Cuddy : She converted when she married my dad. House : You see, now is too late. Cuddy : I'm not blaming you for this. She's the one who ambushed you to find out what you were like, because I "never tell her anything." House : I'd have to agree with her on that one. Anyway, I obviously can't come to dinner now. Cuddy : Obviously? House : Well, she's crazy, and she hates me. Cuddy : House… I need you to come to that dinner for two hours, keep your mouth shut, and behave like an adult. Yes, you will be in hell, but I will feel better having you there. That is what a relationship is. We average our misery. (House wimpers.) (Cut to an exam room. Taub and Rachel are getting dressed.) Taub : That was… unexpected. Rachel : I'm having a good day. I finally resolved that thing with my sister. Taub : What thing? Rachel : Oh, we had the worst fight over whether it's time to put Dad in that facility. Been sick over it for weeks. Taub : You never mentioned anything about your sister. Rachel : I actually talked a lot about it with Phil. Taub (his good mood is going down) : I should be getting back. Rachel : It's fine now. I-it's no big deal. Taub : Are you in love with him? Rachel : I've never met him. (Cut to the lab where Chase and Foreman are performing auditory potentials tests, with Masters watching.) Foreman : Waves one and three normal at 70 decibels. Masters : It's been 37 minutes, and everything is normal. House is wrong again. He doesn't have a tumor. Foreman : House doesn't usually accept "we gave up halfway" as an answer. Masters : If I could get fluid closer to the sources of infection, I could get better cultures, prove my theory. (Chase and Foreman look at each other and roll their eyes.) I'm gonna set up for an ear drainage and thoracentesis. I'll only be wasting my time. Foreman : She's a student. Somebody's got to go with her. (He and Chase play rock/paper/scissors. Chase loses.) (Cut to Jack's room, where he is reading the newspaper with Eva.) Jack : I saved that girl. I did that. Eva : And I'm really proud of you. Jack : This whole thing has made me wonder… if things could be different. I have spent so much time away from you. Eva : Yeah, well, you love your music. Jack : But it's not just that. I think that I have been… afraid… that I would screw things up, that I couldn't be the man you and Daisy needed me to be. But maybe I'm better than that. Hmm? (He cries a little.) I am going to quit the band. Eva (her eyes get wet) : I think we'd like that. (Masters and Chase enter, rolling a cart.) Jack : Uh-oh. Masters : Hey, how's the ear pain? Jack : It's better with the drugs, but it still really hurts. Masters : We are going to take some fluid samples from your ear and your lung. Can you get up? Lean forward. Lean on this. Okay, this is Lidocaine. It'll numb you up. Jack : Okay. (He sighs, then chuckles) This is weird. Masters : What-what's the matter? Jack : The pain in my ear is gone. Chase : Gone? Completely? Jack : Yeah, when you stuck me in the back. What does that mean? (Cut to Cuddy's dining room. House, Wilson, Arlene, Cuddy and Rachel are having dinner. Cuddy is feeding Rachel. Arlene and Wilson are sitting side by side, facing House.) Cuddy : Okay, I'm just cutting that for you. Yum yum. Arlene : Is… is she going to eat anything else or just the cheese and crackers? Cuddy : She's going through a picky phase — it won't kll her. Arlene : You're her mother. All I know is, when you and your sister were growing up, you ate what we ate. No excuses. (House's fork loudly clanks on his plate. He looks at Arlene very, very coldly. Arlene looks back expectantly. House controls himself and smiles politely.) House : Would you pass the salt? (Arlene smiles and picks up the salt. Cuddy snatches it and hands it to House. Arlene rolls her eyes.) Cuddy : She had eggs this morning, and lots of fruit. Arlene : Ah. That explains it. Cuddy : Explains what? Arlene : She was a little vilder chaiah in the park this afternoon. She wouldn't listen to anything I said. Must have been all the sugar. Wilson : Actually, the whole sugar-makes-kids-hyperactive thing is a myth. (Arlene glares at him. He starts to lose his composure.) It's a study. Arlene (still glaring at him) : I'm sure it's very interesting. I didn't read any studies. I just raised children. (Wilson shakes his fork, nervously, then his head. Arlen turns to Cuddy.) It's not your fault. How are you supposed to keep up with what she eats all day? You're never home. (House cell phone starts ringing. He gets up.) House : I'm sorry. I have to get this. (He leaves the room and whispers pleadingly) Tell me you need me. Chase : Jack doesn't have cancer. House (loudly) : God, that's awful. I'll be right in. (Cuddy's mouth opens in disbelief.) Chase : Masters stuck him in the back with Lidocaine, and his ear pain went away. Foreman : We don't need you here. We just need to figure out why this guy's body thinks his ear is on his back. House : Because his ear used to be something else. When you're a fetus, your cells are close together. When you grow, they spread out and specialize. Sometimes the body screws up, and they keep the old area codes, report to the same pain centers. Taub : Referred pain. House : Looks and brains. When you stuck him in the back, you cut off communication with the pain centers in his spinal cord. So we just need to figure out where the message is actually coming from. What about his thyroid? Chase : Hyperthyroidism would explain all his symptoms. House : Or it could be his liver. Foreman : Good. We'll take a look at both. If it’s spreading to— Masters : For the record, referred pain does not rule out infection— House : Were you like this when you were working for your math degree? If Euclid had been a guest lecturer, would you have been the kid sitting in the front row going, "actually, you haven't proven the Pythagorean Theorem"? (His phone clicks.) Hello? (The team has hung up. House sighs and goes back to the dining room.) (Cut to Cuddy, coming back from the kitchen with a coffee pot and two mugs) Cuddy : All right. Mom… Arlene : Thank you, sweetie. (To House) So say you two got married, would you convert to Judaism? (House stays still.) Cuddy (dryly) : We haven't gotten that far, mom. Wilson (with a very convincing fake concern) : That's actually a really interesting question. (Cuddy and House both glare at him.) House : I'm an atheist. Arlene : Honey, half the Jews I know are atheists. It's about community. Cuddy : House isn't that big on community. Arlene : And why do you call him "House"? The man's name is Greg. It makes it seem (lowering her tone) like you're not serious. (Wilson nods in approval. He seems to really enjoy himself a lot.) I'm just trying to help you think about the future. You're-you're a certain age now. (Cuddy doesn't like it.) The parade of boyfriends can't be as amusing as it was. You need to settle down, like your sister. Wilson : Settling down isn't all it's cracked up to be. Next week is Sam's birthday. I was gonna take her to the Poconos and— (His voice trails off. Arlene looks at him without any pity.) Arlene : That's very sad. Perhaps not the best choice of topic for a festive occasion. (Back to Cuddy) I just don't want Rachel growing up thinking you're a slut. (Cuddy stares at Arlene in disbelief.) House (He stops refraining himself and looks at Cuddy) : Okay, I got this. First of all, mom… (Arlene opens her mouth and closes her eyes. Her head wobbles, then falls back on her chair. Her mouth remains open.) Cuddy : Oh, my God. (She gets up quickly, checks her mother's eyes while Wilson checks her pulse. She then looks back to House, who is quietly sipping his coffee. She realizes.) Did you… (Angrily) sedate my mother? (Wilson looks almost relieved and smiles a little.) House : Kicked in just in time. She'll wake up in a couple of hours, be good as new. Think of it as my birthday gift to you. You told me to keep my mouth shut. It's the only way I had a chance. Wilson (He is trying hard not to laugh) : Leaving aside the fact that House is a sociopath, I have to admit that I'm-I'm honestly relieved. Your mom is quite a h— quite a handful. What? I feel f— (His eyes open wide when he understands.) Oh, you've got to be kidding me. (Speaking gibberish that sound sort of like) You drugged me again? House : Sorry. I honestly thought you'd be worse. (Wilson's head falls on the table.) (To Cuddy) That was my gift to myself. (Cuddy looks from Wilson to Arlene, torn between incredulity and despair.) (Cut to the Cafeteria. Taub, alone and looking sad, is slowly eating a sandwich. Masters comes to him.) Taub : I take it Jack's thyroid levels are normal. Masters : Foreman is doing a liver biopsy now. Taub : Good. Masters : What's up with you? Taub : Nothing. I'm peachy. Masters (She sits down in front of him) : It's hard when you feel like you've been replaced. We got a new puppy once, and our old cocker spaniel just moped for weeks. Taub : Have you even had sex? Masters : We're not talking about me. We're talking about you. Taub : No, you're talking about puppies, and I'm not listening. [Masters looks at Taub sympathetically.) She wants to do it all the time, but it has nothing to do with me. I'm just a piece of meat. Masters : Well, she likes someone else, and you've slept with other people. Uh, why are you still together? Taub : I love her. We've been together for 22 years. I've never loved anybody else. I don't know how to… not be with her. Masters : So you're never gonna cheat again. Taub : I don't know. Masters : Well, that seems kind of selfish, doesn't it? (Her cell phone chimes.) Foreman found diffuse inflammation in Jack's liver. Looks like autoimmune hepatitis… Starting him on steroids. (She gets up and leaves, walking past the picture of Taub, hanging near the door. Taub remains sitting alone. He sighs.) (Cut to Cuddy's home. House and Cuddy are doing the dishes. House is sporting a smug grin, Cuddy is smiling slightly. We can see Arlene and Wilson sound asleep behind them, still sitting at the table in the same position than before. Albinoni's Adagio is playing. It's very quiet.) House (smiling at Cuddy) : Isn't this nice? (She smiles back.) (Cut to Jack's room. He is sitting on his bed holding his guitar.) Jack : What's this note? (He plays one note.) Does that sound like an "A"? Remember, I put my finger like this without this doohickey on it, it's an "F." See? Daisy : Hmm… Can we read a book instead? (They both laugh.) Eva : Yes, we — Jack? (Jack starts moaning, falls back on the bed and starts seizing. A nurse rushes in.) Eva : Jack! Help him! Nurse : Come on. Come on. Eva (hugging her daughter) : Okay. Okay. (Cut to Jack's room. The whole team is looking at him from the corridor.) Taub : He seized three times last night. We got him sab, but barely. House : If there was nothing wrong with his brain before, there sure is now. Foreman : Any particular reason we need to be looking at the patient? House : Yes. Cuddy's mom is in my office, and she looks mad. Chase : What did you do? Taub : Our patient also developed a raging fever overnight. That means Masters was right all along. This is an infection. House : Should we give you a minute to gloat? Masters : We still don't know what kind of infection — could be bacterial, viral, fungal. Until the cultures— House : You are the worst gloater ever. Foreman : Her starting those cultures when she did means we're 24 hours closer to the answer. House : "We're sorry your husband croaked, but at least we were 24 hours closer to the answer." Let's narrow it down, shall we? Taub : Four days ago, the guy was facedown in the subway. God only knows what's in that sludge. Toxic fumes make him pass out — rat pee does the rest. Chase : If it's leptospirosis, it's the fastest-moving case in history. Foreman : Leptospirosis can turn into meningitis. Masters : I can't confirm any of this yet, and we don't have time to choose wrong. House : It fits, and since it's the only idea on the table, I say it's a winner. Start him on doxycycline. No, wait. I'll do it. You guys have to go back to the office, tell me when bubbie's gone. (Cut to Jack's room, where House is holding a vigil. Kind of. Jack wakes up.) Jack : You a doctor? House : Sure. You're on new meds. Go back to sleep. Jack : Am I gonna die? House : Well, I hope not, 'cause then I'd have to go back to my office. Of course, if you do kick it, then you get to be famous for another two, maybe three weeks. Jack : They're saying I'm a hero? House : Yeah, but, you know, in a few days, a panda bear will give birth to triplets, and we'll all move on. Oh, I'm sorry. You actually believe that you are a hero. Should get yourself some tights and a cape, run around Gotham pulling babies out of burning buildings. Maybe you'll keep getting lucky. You're still the same guy you were last week. Jack : Hey, um… How long are you gonna sit there? House : Could be hours. Jack : Hiding behind a sick guy… That's heroic. (He laughs weakly.) (Cut to House's office, where Arlene is waiting on House's chair, her feet propped up on the desk, reading a file. House glances from the corridor, then enters the room.) House : I can explain. Sometimes I mix up my medications. Arlene : I don't need you to explain anything. I think we both know that… I owe you an apology. House (incredulously) : Say what? Arlene : I don't even remember going to bed last night. I must have had too much to drink. I do know I can be difficult. House : You were a little bitchy. Arlene : In the clinic, you were a complete schmendrick, but once you knew I was Lisa's mother, you held your tongue. That's because you love her. (House looks uncomfortable.) I still think you're a pain in the ass with a God complex, and I'll kll you if you hurt her, but I'm glad she has you. House : We don't have to hug now, do we? Arlene : What do you think? (She scoffs.) I've got a train to catch. House : I thought you were staying till Sunday. Arlene : I'm coming down with a cold. Every time I stay with Lisa or her sister, one of those rug rats gets me sick. Children are awful. (She closes the door and leaves.) (EPIPHANY TIME. House goes back to Jack's room where, in the meantime, Eva and Daisy have arrived.) House : Did she have a rash recently? Eva : No. What's going on? House (peering at Daisy) : Feverish, itchy? Eva : No. House : What is she doing here anyway? It's the middle of the morning. Shouldn't she be in school? Eva : I'm keeping her out for a few days. There's been a little outbreak— House : Chicken pox. Sorry, but if I let you finish that sentence, that would be much less impressive. Chicken pox is no big deal for kids, but it's a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad deal for grown-ups. Eva : You think Jack has chicken pox? But he doesn't have blisters. He's not itchy, and Daisy never got it. House : I know. Again, that's why it's so impressive that I figured it out. Five percent of cases present without blisters. The kid was just a carrier. (To Jack) I'm gonna start you on anti-varicella gamma globulin, which will save your life. But it won't make me a hero. (Cut to Jack's room.) Eva : Hey. How are you feeling? Jack : Like I'm not gonna die. Eva : I can't wait to take you home. Jack : The guys called. All this press has got us a couple of new gigs — just a few more dates, three weeks, tops. (Cut to PPTH corridor in front of Jack's room. Eva leaves the room and joins Taub at the counter.) Taub : Three weeks isn't so bad. Eva : It's not three weeks. It's what he's always done — just one more tour. Taub : I'm sorry. Eva : Yeah, the pathetic thing is I let myself believe that he could change, he could be this other guy. There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you. (Cut to House sitting at his desk with his glasses on. Masters enters with results.) Masters : Culture confirmed Jack does have chicken pox. It just took six hours longer. House : Autopsy works too. FYI, turns out your hero is a loser. He's going back on the road. Masters : He still risked his life for that woman. House : That was impulse. That was easy. Dealing with family is hard. Wait, that's another thing I got right. How many does that make? (Masters shows two fingers.) And how many for you? (Masters turns back to leave, wordlessly. House calls her back.) I'm also kicking your ass at gloating. (Cut to Taub back home, entering the bedroom. Rachel is getting dressed.) Taub : Hey. Rachel : Hi. Taub : I think we should get a divorce. You have feelings for him, and I can't handle that. But it's my fault you needed someone else. I keep hurting you. Rachel : We love each other. Taub : I know. But are you happy? Rachel : No. Taub : Then what are we doing? (Cut to Cuddy's office, where House and Cuddy are slouching on the couch.) House : You know, you turned out remarkably close to normal, considering the genes in play. Cuddy : Thanks. House : Here… In case your mom comes back. (He gives her a prescription bottle tied with a red bow.) Happy Birthday. Cuddy (She laughs, then kiss him and strokes his jaw.) Oh, you are a sweet, sweet man. You coming over? House : Yes. (A bat.) Oh, no, I can't. Cuddy (frowning) : Wilson. House : It's, uh, bowling night. He'll never forgive me if I don't. (Cuddy gives him a look.) Oh, screw it. I'm coming. Cuddy (laughing and fidgeting with the tied bottle) : No, no, no. I am not gonna be responsible for that. You drugged the man. You go bowling with him. House : Well, my chances of sex are considerably lower with Wilson. (Cuddy doesn't flinch.) Fine. (Cut to Wilson packing his things in his office. House opens the door.) Wilson : Hey. You ready? House (with an embarassed grin) : Here's the thing… (Cut to Taub driving his car. He stops it in front of a PPTH giant ad. The National's Start a wr is playing.) ♪♫ We expected somethin' ‚ somethin' better than before ‚ ♪♫ We expected somethin' more ‚ (Taub gets out of his car, carrying a can of paint balls. He starts throwing paint at his picture, repeatedly.) ♪♫ Do you really think ‚ ♪♫ You can just put it in a safe behind a painting ‚ ♪♫ Lock it up and leave? ♪♫ Walk away now‚ and you're gonna start a w*r Taub: Aah! Aah! (Cut to House's apartment. House is sprawled on his couch, wearing a tee and striped pajamas pants. There is a Scotch bottle on the coffee table. The Real Housewives are arguing indistinctly on television.) Dina Manzo : Again, this meeting is about me and setting my bounds. Danielle Staub : Well, it's about me too, and I have my boundaries, Dina, and they have clearly been crossed by you and your entire family. Dina : That's not true. Danielle : We all need improvements, Dina, and I formed my opinion on you. Dina : Shh. (House closes his eyes in bliss and smiles.) Danielle : No, don't shush me, Dina. Dina : No, I will shush you because you're not letting me finish.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x09 - Larger than Life"}	foreverdreaming
[At the Challenge Training Camp, a program for juvenile offenders, a group of teenage boys are running an obstacle course in the pouring rain. But one African-American boy, Landon Parks, struggles to keep up, even as the drill instructor, Driscoll, screams at him. (“No love lost” by LCD Soundsystem playing in the background).] Driscoll [screaming] : Move it! Faster! Push! Quit slacking! Landon : I'm not slacking. Driscoll : Is that how you talk to your drill instructor? Landon : Sir, I'm not slacking. Driscoll : You stand up. You look me in the eye! Landon : I feel lousy. I can't. Driscoll : "Can't" doesn't exist here! Now, you finish this course, or you're in isolation the rest of the day, you hear me? [Addressing another kid] MacDonald, you ready to make Parks eat your dust? MacDonald: Sir, yes, sir! Driscoll : Ready, go! [MacDonald dives under ropes and crawls in the mud.] Driscoll [to Landon] : Are your ears malfunctioning? I said go! Go! Go! [Landon finally crawls in the mud.] Get down! Get down! Belly down! Belly down. Move it! Get up on there. [Landon is now pulling himself across a horizontal ladder] You've gotta push. Move it. Don't you dare fall. Grab the bars. Grab there! Move it! Move it! Knees up. Knees up! [Landon is running through tires] Move! Move! Find the wall! ht that wall! ht that wall! Move it. Get up on there. [Landon faces the final wall, grabs a rope and tries to climb it] Don't you fall on me. Faster! Move it! [Landon falls off the wall and hits his head.] Driscoll : What's the matter, Parks? You got a boo boo? Landon : Sir, I'm bleeding, sir. Driscoll : Is your life in immediate danger? Landon : No. Driscoll : Then you get your ass up over that wall! I said get your ass over that—aaah! Aah… [Driscoll falls on his knees and screams in pain.] Landon : What's going on? Driscoll : My back hurts. I can't move. Help. Help. I can't get up. [Landon slowly gets up.] Landon : "Can't" doesn't exist here. [He walks away.] Driscoll : Get—aaaaaah! [Driscoll collapses into the dirt.] [Opening credits] [Cut to Diagnostic room. Taub is looking at the computer screen. We can’t see it. Masters and Foreman are standing behind him.] Masters : We should not be looking at this. Taub : He sent out an alert. It would be rude not to look. Though I am straining my eyes. [Chase enters the room.] Chase : What are we checking out? Foreman [smiles] : Your profile page. [Chase joins them and leans in to look at the screen.] Chase : Why? I haven't—[He seems shocked.] That… is not me. Taub : That is you. Chase : [Pointing at the screen] That's me, but that [He points at another part of the screen.] is not. Whoever did this made it smaller. Much, much smaller. Foreman : Whoever did this has a bone to pick with you. Ironic, since your bone is— Chase : is not in that picture. My proof is right here. [He puts his hands on his belt, ready to unbuckle it.] You really want to see it? Foreman : Oh, whoa. Convinced. You have any idea who did this? [Taub gets up to let Chase sit down in front of the computer.] Chase : I don't even know where the original picture is from. Taub : The bathroom at the Carlton Hotel. The towel. Hotel logo's reversed. sht must have been taken in the mirror. Foreman : We were there for Sanford Wells' wedding. Masters : That must narrow it down. [Chase looks mortified at the image on the screen.] Foreman : He slept with three women there. Masters : Oh, you're a whore! [House can be heard singing. Chase clicks quickly to, supposedly, close the page on the screen. House enters. He is wearing his coat and has his backpack on his shoulder. He has the files for the case in his hand and puts them on the table while getting rid of his bag and coat. Each member of the team grabs a file and sits down at the table. House sits down.] House : 38-year-old former marine came into the E.R. with back pain. Now his bladder aches as much as his back because he can't empty it. What are we looking at this morning? Up-skirt celebrity? Endearingly funny cat? Chase : Another study about gays being better parents. We were lured in by the word "lesbian." Has he taken any antihistamines or anticholinergics? House : Nope. And the E.R. ruled out enlarged prostate, stopped colon, and spinal injury. Masters [going through the file] : Military history — In suspiciously good shape for his age. Makes a living bullying kids. I'm thinking… steroids? House : Fascinating. Masters [smiles]: Thanks. We can wean him off— House : Steroids isn't fascinating, it's moronic. There's no other sign of hormonal imbalance. What's fascinating is that you equate discipline with bullying. Which means that your parents either disciplined you too much or too little — I'm guessing too little. Masters : It's hardly surprising you agree with our patient's philosophy. You run your department like a boot camp. As if cruelty ensures performance. House : [long pause] Oh, is this where I'm supposed to disagree with you? Chase : The diagnosis of urinary retention depends on the particular mechanical cause. We need to know if there's a blockage in the urethra versus a nerve or a muscle problem with the bladder. House : Fascinating… without misdirect. Cath him and see what's stopping him from emptying his bilge. [He gets up to leave but stops at the door.] Oh, not you, Chase. Sending Captain Micropenis to deal with what is probably normal-sized equipment, it's too cruel, even for me. [The rest of the team gets up, quietly laughing. Chase is still on his chair, embarrassed.] [Cut to the cafeteria. House enters. He is carrying a coffee cup. Cuddy is eating breakfast at a table.] House : Good morning. [Rachel gets up and surprises him, with a huge smile on her face.] And what brings the lesser Cuddy to these parts? [He sits down beside Cuddy, in front of Rachel.] Cuddy: Pediatrician appointment for an s-h-o-t. Waldenwood insists vaccination reports go in with the application. [To Rachel.] Honey, finish your oatmeal. [Rachel is eating with the back of her spoon.] House: Waldenwood. Is that by any chance a boarding school? Or a work camp? Cuddy: It's our first-choice preschool. House: Blocks made of gold… Kids don't have to pick their own noses… Cuddy: Great facilities and teachers. And they're known for their gifted program. [House’s eyes widen.] House: You sure that's the right place for her? Sounds a little snobby. Cuddy: I've done my research. We visited. It's a perfect fit. [Rachel puts her spoon in her bowl and flips it over, spilling her oatmeal on the table. Cuddy takes the bowl and puts it back to normal, smiling as if nothing wrong had just happened. House seems bothered.] [Cut to a hospital room. Foreman is catherizing Driscoll, which seems to be a painful process. Masters is also there.] Foreman : You'll feel pressure. I need you to tell us when the urge to void becomes unbearable. Driscoll : Mm-hmm. Foreman : Sorry, can't make you feel better till we make you feel worse. Driscoll : I get it. Goes for what I do too. Masters : We cause pain when it's the only option. Driscoll : The kids I work with at the camp are there because a judge sent them. I can't teach them good behaviors without first getting rid of all their bad ones. That's not gonna happen unless I push them. Masters : I don't see why metaphorical pushing has to involve actual pushing. Driscoll : I may work these kids hard, but I never ht them. Masters [unconvinced] : You march them into the ground instead of knocking them there. Driscoll : Yeah, well, it beats the alternatives, which is ending up in jail or in a gng or… a coffin. Foreman : How often do you pull that off? Driscoll : Two-thirds never re-offend. That's better numbers than juvie. [Masters doesn’t quite know what to respond to that.] Foreman : She's brilliant, but new to the real world. Driscoll : Yeah. Hey Doc, I gotta go. Foreman : Let's empty you out. Take this urine to Taub. Have him screen it for bacteria. I'll analyze this data. [Cut to the lab. Masters and Taub are running tests on Driscoll’s urine sample. Chase enters.] Chase : Half hour on the phone, no go. Website won't take down the picture. Taub : I thought their policy doesn't allow nude photos. Now tap the tube gently against the table to re-suspend the cells. [Chase sits down in front of a computer and connects to “Faceplace.” On his profile page, we can finally see the picture they have all been talking about. It’s a naked Chase with a teeny tiny black square where his penis should be!] Chase : They don't. Technically… I'm no longer nude. Masters : Maybe you should shut down your account. Chase : I tried, but whoever did this changed my password, so I can't even prove it's my page. [He has his head in one hand.] Masters : Well, there's a clue. She's got serious text skills. Chase : My password was "password." [Both Taub and Masters turn around to face Chase.] Masters : You're a dumb whore. Taub : Do any of the three seem like a more likely suspect? Maybe one was clingier? Chase : I don't even remember their names. Taub : Listen, this is a tough time for me. Breaking up with Rachel, moving into a hotel. I want you to know how much your humiliation has eased my burden. [He has a big grin on his face.] [Cut to the hallway. Masters, Taub and Chase meet up with Foreman.] Taub : Urine is clean for bacteria. Foreman : Not surprising, since his bladder tests show that his pain problem is really a nerve problem. Neurogenic bladder. Chase : Could mean spinal cord tumor, cerebral palsy. Foreman : House is gonna go right for syphilis. [They start walking.] Masters : How can he be so sure? Taub : Rare complication of an embarrassing illness. It's practically a House special. Foreman : I want to get ahead. Let's go test his blood for syphilis. [They split. Masters and Foreman go one way, Taub and Chase another one.] [Cut to Driscoll’s room. Masters prepares Driscoll’s arm to take a blood sample.] Masters : Okay, I'm gonna take some blood. This will only hurt for a second. Ready? [Suddenly, the officer grabs Masters by the neck with one hand and starts choking her.] Driscoll : Stop it! Stop trying to kll me. [Driscoll is now standing up still holding Masters, Foreman runs to them and tries to stop him.] Foreman : Hey, let her go. Driscoll : That girl was trying to kll me! Foreman : Let her go. Security, get some help in here! Driscoll [delusional] : Let me go. Let me go! [A security guard rushes into the room and helps Foreman restrain Driscoll. Masters is in a corner, coughing and massaging her neck.] [Cut to Diagnostic room. Taub is checking Masters’ neck. Foreman, Chase and House are at the table.] House : She's fine. How 'bout we get back to someone who isn't? Foreman [massaging his arm] : The patient's in restraints and on Haldol, which seems to have made him lucid. House : Differential diagnosis. Back pain, neurogenic bladder, psychosis. Masters: A symptom which we learned about when he choked me. Hate to slow us down by acknowledging it. House : And yet you have. Tertiary syphilis fits. Foreman : The tests came back negative. Several meds could cause those symptoms. Tricyclic antidepressants, ritalin. Masters : Also other native plants. Wormwood, jimson weed. Chase : The amount of jimson weed or ritalin he'd have to ingest, seems like he would have mentioned it. Masters : Unless he didn't know about it. Maybe one of those kids at the camp got tired of Driscoll's lessons and poisoned him. House : Go to the camp. Check for potential poisons. [The guys leave the room. House stops Masters before she does too.] House : I all but ignored your asault, showed you no compassion whatsoever, but you came up with a good idea. Score one for tough love. [She leaves the room without a comment. House seems pleased.] [Cut to the cafeteria. Chase is in line with Sanford Wells, the chairman of the hospital board.] Wells : Glad to hear you met someone you like. Weddings are good for that. Chase : I was hoping to get in touch. The thing is, I'm a bit fuzzy on names. Sorry. Open bar. She was sitting at Dr. Simpson's table. Brunette, purple dress, low-cut. Wells [thrilled] : That's my niece, Winn Phillips. [He takes out his phone and looks at it.] Chase : Your niece? [He tries to play it off.] Fantastic! Wells : Her info is in your email. [He manipulates his phone and finally puts it back in his pocket.] Chase [nervously] : Also, there was a blonde. Green dress. Wells : You want me to hook you up with two women? Chase : Actually, three. [Wells doesn’t look so thrilled anymore!] [Cut to Wilson’s office. He is reading a file when House enters.] House : How do you cheat on a test when there's no test? Wilson : Sorry, not playing. [He gets up, grabs his lab coat and leaves his office. House follows him.] Wilson : Go away, House. [putting on the coat while walking] I am not giving you advice just so you can distort it to suit your own warped world view. House : But it's been working so well. Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood preschool. The problem is, Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich. Wilson : And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice. House : Cuddy cares about her. When Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. And as the boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive and consoling. Wilson : Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine. House : Play date being their code for way to weed out the paste sandwiches. They'll hand her puzzles and counting games, and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces. [House turns around and walks away as he just got an idea.] Wilson : Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker! House [Turning back to Wilson] : Thanks for the advice! [Cut to the disciplinary camp. Foreman and Masters are walking along the wall that delimitates the camp.] Masters : That's the isolation area. Kids who've behaved badly go there, sometimes 23 hours a day. Foreman : Sound like a pretty good incentive to behave. Masters : Yeah, by treating the symptom instead of the disease. Basic systems theory. Troubled kids are produced by troubled families. This place doesn't even attempt to change the environment that damaged them in the first place. Foreman : So there are no bad kids, only bad parents? Then why is my brother an ex-con? Masters : Treating kids decently doesn't mean identically. Some kids need more structure or discipline. Nobody needs this place. Foreman : Maybe we're coming at this wrong. We find a poisoner, and let them point us toward the poison. Masters : Driscoll's got 24 kids in his troop. You want to interview all of them? Foreman : Maybe we don't need to. [Cut to a room inside the camp. MacDonald is mopping the floor while Landon is answering Foreman and Masters’ questions.] Landon : Driscoll sent me to isolation all the time. It doesn't mean I poisoned him. He's the psycho, not me. Tell 'em. MacDonald : D.I. Driscoll's way harder on him than the rest of us. Foreman : Maybe because he's a bigger pain in the ass. What are you in here for? Landon : Shoplifting. Foreman : You ready to upgrade to second-degree mrder? Spend ten years in jail? If he dies because of whatever you gave him, that's what'll happen. Landon : That supposed to scare me? My mom's dad, my dad's never been around. And after this, I'll get bounced to another foster home. My future's not exactly bright. Prison now or later doesn't make that much of a difference to me. MacDonald : Dude, I'm not mopping the whole floor by myself. Foreman [To MacDonald] : Your eyes are red. Might be an allergic reaction to the cleaning solution. MacDonald : It's just my allergies. Masters : Do you take anything for them? MacDonald : Not right now. Foreman : Why not? [MacDonald looks at him but doesn’t respond. He goes back to cleaning the room with Landon.] [Back at the hospital, cut to Driscoll’s room. Foreman is hooking up an IV for Driscoll.] Foreman : These IV fluids will help flush the drugs out of your system. Driscoll : You know which of the kids dosed me? Masters : It's not medically relevant. Driscoll : Look, I'm not gonna hurt him. But I get why you're scared of me. I'm real sorry about this morning. Masters : No apology necessary. You're ill. You didn't know what you were doing. Driscoll : I used to be a real screw-up. The military taught me that actions always have consequences. Part of being a man is accepting them. And after all the times I've said that to the kids, an apology is necessary. [Masters nods, accepting his apology. Suddenly, Driscoll seems to have problems breathing.] Masters [concerned] : Are you okay? Driscoll : My heart's kinda racing. Foreman : I got it. Heart rate is 170. P.A.T. until proven otherwise, we've gotta slow it down. Six milligrams adenosine, IV bolus. Tell the nurse to get in here with the crash cart. [Cut to the Diagnostic room, the team is gathered around the table, talking to House via the phone.] Foreman : Pushing fluid sent his heart into overdrive. It took three doses of adenosine to get it under control. House [via phone] : Treating him for antihistamine toxicity revealed a new symptom, which revealed that he didn't have antihistamine toxicity in the first place. [Chase gets a call on vibrate. He takes his phone out of his pocket and looks at it.] Foreman : House, where are you? [Cut to a playground where children are playing. House is talking on his phone while looking around.] House : Playground. Great place to meet chicks. Their moms too. [Back to the Diagnostic room.] Taub : Tachycardia could be a humoral effect — mastocytosis. Masters : We'd see other GI or cutaneous symptoms. Pancreatic insulinoma. Chase : It would cause bladder problems, unlike pheochromocytoma. [Back to the playground.] House : Well done, Chase. Now, turn off your phone. [Back to the Diagnostic room.] Chase : You heard that? It's on vibrate. House [on the phone] : I'm assuming it's been ringing almost nonstop since you changed your status update to "nothing lights my fre like a lady of size — less than three bills, don't bother calling." Followed by your cell number. [Everyone but Chase is cracking up. He gets up, horrified, and runs to the computer to log on his page.] Taub : No, no, no, you're right. This is in no way clever and hysterical. [Back to the playground, House is actually at Waldenwood Preschool. He enters the building.] House : Before you start rolling anyone in flour, work the patient out for a pheo. Adrenaline pituitary scans, 24-hour urine collection. [Cut to the playroom, House is accompanied by a teacher. He puts on gloves.] Teacher : How soon after the admissions session did the child get sick? House : The kid barely got home before she collapsed. Her parents are a wreck. Desperate for answers. Have you experienced any symptoms, or does someone else oversee these sessions? Teacher : The teachers supervise. No one's mentioned feeling sick. I'd love to call the family and offer my support. House : Sorry, I can't reveal names. Doctor-patient confidentiality. So this is where all the admissions play dates happen? She wouldn't have been in another room? Teacher : This is where we have them all. Maybe, to be safe, we get rid of these toys. House : No, no, no, don't do that. I'll tell you if anything's toxic. For now, you should minimize your exposure. [He puts on a mask; the teacher covers her mouth with her jacket and leaves the room. As soon as she is gone, House starts taking pictures of everything: toys, blocks, games…] [Cut to the scan room. Masters is sitting in front of the computer, monitoring Driscoll. Foreman is standing beside her.] Masters : I'm supposed to be supervised. Foreman : The scan is pre-programmed. There's no risk to the patient. You're literally gonna sit here, watch the monitor, and chat with him if he gets lonely. Masters : Uh… still. Foreman : Report me. [Foreman walks away. Masters looks uncomfortable but finally gathers her nerves to talk with Driscoll. His face can be seen on the computer screen.] Masters : How you doing in there? Driscoll : You shouldn't bother trying to protect Landon. I know he's the one who drugged me. Masters : The antihistamines aren't what got you sick. Driscoll : Doesn't change the fact that he did it. I tried everything with that kid. I just… can't break through. Masters : It's clear you care about him. Have you tried telling him that? Driscoll : You gotta understand something. These kids, they're all manipulators. As much as I care about all of them, I can't—I can't show them that unless there's some mutual respect. Otherwise… Masters : Forget those other kids. Think about this kid. He watched his mother get sick and die. He's never known his dad. Who knows how long it's been since anyone's taken care of him, or if there's ever been a man around with any degree of consistency? I believe that you're on his side. I'm betting it would help if he did. [Cut to a hospital room. Chase has attached a wall-sized version of his naked picture and asks Taub for his help to find any more clues.] Taub : You are a beautiful man. Can I leave now? Chase : I know where all three women are, but I'd like to avoid the additional humiliation of falsely accusing any of them. You I.D.’d the hotel off this. I'm hoping there's another clue in there somewhere. Taub : We could enhance the image. Maybe her face is reflected in that gleam off your butt cheek. Or maybe it's time to chalk this up to the hazards of being a player. Chase : Your zipper problems just blew up your marriage. Taub : Don't move. [As he is talking, he steps back to take pictures of Chase next to his picture, with his phone, in different angles.] Unlike me, you've had the decency not to cheat on anyone, but you haven't been giving much thought to who these women are, how they might feel. Obviously, you hurt one of them. Emotionally, you hurt her, because physically, how would you even know? [He wiggles his little finger to indicate Chase’s supposed lack of size.] [Taub studies the pictures and shows Chase one of them.] Taub : Looks like your shorty is a shorty. [Cut to Cuddy’s house. There’s a knock on the front door. Cuddy, holding Rachel’s hand, goes to open it. She is surprised to see House.] Cuddy : You're early. Dinner's not ready. House [feigns surprise] : Oh… okay. Rachel and I will go play in her room. Cuddy [really surprised] : Really? House : I'm hungry. Go cook. [He takes Rachel’s hand and they both walk down to her bedroom. Cuddy heads for the kitchen.] [Cut to Rachel’s room, Rachel sits down on the floor to play with blocks. House closes the door, opens the window and tips his cane out to reach a bag he’s stashed in the bushes. House : All right, you little lump of clay… [He takes a toy out of the bag. It turns out that he bought a duplicate of a toy from the preschool.] House : Rachel. Rachel… It's a new toy. What kid doesn't like new toys? [He sits down beside her.] A moron, that's who. Okay, look at the pretty colors. Now, what color is this? [He holds up a yellow piece.] Hmm? [Rachel is obviously more interested in playing with her own blocks. She picks an orange one and holds it up to House.] Rachel : Orange! House : Yes, that is orange. What color is this? [Rachel puts her orange block on top of the tower she is making.] House : Okay, blocks going away. [Impatient, House knocks over her block set and sweeps them aside.] House : Bye-bye blocks. [Rachel looks a bit upset.] House : Next time, reinforce the levees. Bad Corps of Army Engineers. Bad! What's this? [He sets up the ring game.] House : Oh! Rings! Look at the rings. Now, the goal of this game is… [Rachel takes one of the rings and puts it in her mouth.] House [frustrated] : To not kll you. [Cut to Winn Philips’ apartment. Chase is visiting the first of the three women who could have taken the picture. He enters her apartment and she closes the door behind him.] Winn : Why are you here? Wait, did you give me an STD? Chase : No, I did not. Don't deflect. That picture was taken by someone your height. Just take it down. Winn : What picture? Chase : Fine. Play it that way. [He takes his phone out of his pocket and hands it to her so she can take a look at the picture. He turns around to face the living room. It looks like a little girl’s bedroom; everything is pink and decorated with kittens and stuffed animals.] So, uh… you really like kittens, huh? Winn : Yeah. You said you did too. No wonder you're pissed. 'Cause that is not you. [She gives him his phone back] And I didn't take it. Did you mean my height with heels or without? Chase : You weren't wearing heels when we were in that room—[He realizes his mistake] Oh, yes, you were. Winn : I started to take them off, and then you asked me very nicely not to. Why would I do this? I mean, I'm not mad about what happened with us. Or apparently with you and any other woman at that wedding. Chase : Sorry, I guess my forensic analysis wasn't as advanced as I thought. [He is about to leave but she stops him.] Winn : Wait. You know, you don't have to rush off. I still have those heels… [Cut to the Diagnostic room. The team is here. Chase looks lost in his thoughts as he is explaining what happened to him.] Chase : Everywhere you looked, gingham and stuffed animals. Taub : How did you get out of there? Chase : I didn't… right away. Wasn't anything wrong with her physically. Taub : One down, two members of the threesome to go. You should flip a condom to choose. [House enters the room and puts his backpack on a chair.] Masters : We checked his adrenal, pituitary, and thyroid glands. Monitored his catecholamines. It's not a pheo. Foreman : We had to put him on a diltiazem drip to regulate his heart. House : That means he's running out of time. [Pointing at Masters] It means you are too. Your campaign to soften him up so he would go easier on the kids… All in a pointless attempt to validate your own upbringing. [Suddenly, all the team’s pagers go off.] House : Another cardiac arrhythmia? Masters : Not our patient. It's the ER. [Cut to the ER. Foreman and Masters are listening to the nurse as she leads them to her newest patient.] Nurse : That patient House admitted with back pain and urinary retention… How do you feel about a matched set? [The patient is Landon, suffering from the same symptoms Driscoll has.] [Cut to Driscoll’s room, he now shares it with Landon. Taub is by Landon’s bed.] Taub : We need to track your common exposures. What shampoo do you use? Landon : Whatever crap the camp gives us. Driscoll : Same here. Taub : We need things exclusive to you, but not the rest of the camp. Otherwise, a lot more people would be sick. Toothpaste, deodorant. Landon : Can't be deodorant making him sick. He doesn't wear any. Smells like a— Driscoll : Park, shut your mouth. Landon [getting angry] : You're not my drill instructor in here, okay? Driscoll : Doesn't mean you get to be disrespectful. Landon : I can do whatever the hell I want. You're not in charge. [Cut to the Diagnostic room. The differential continues as House plays with toy horses, cows and pigs on the table. He arranges them in all sorts of ambiguous positions! House seems amused by what he is doing.] Foreman : There's gotta be a link. Diet, sexual history, drug abuse. Taub : No. Believe me, I asked. Those were some fun conversations. House : Do you believe the answers? Taub : I know the answer to that is always supposed to be no, but I did. Not like the kid has had much unsupervised time lately. [A delivery man enters the room with flowers.] Florist : Delivery for Dr. Robert Chase. House : That's me. [House quickly gets up, signs the form and takes the flowers. Chase doesn’t really know how to react.] Masters : The camp is in the woods. There are tons of opportunities for infection that not every person will pick up. Legionelosis from water, toxoplasmosis from dirt, brucellosis from animals. House : Too bad none of those explain his symptoms. [He holds up the thank-you note that was with the flowers and reads it aloud.] House : "Casey and Sanford Wells thank me for my extraordinarily generous donation to their wedding charity.” Masters : Aww. Chase : Oh, God. [looking defeated] She must have gotten access to my credit card. [Chase gets up and runs to the computer, grabbing the flowers and the note from House’s hands on his way.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x10 - Carrot or Stick"}	foreverdreaming
[Open the sound of a champagne cork being popped. There’s a quick succession of images of upscale clothing as The Chordette’s Mr. Sandman plays in the background.] ♪♫ Bum bum bum bum bum bum‚ bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum [A pair of faceless mannequins in very expensive outfits. Click and it changes to another mannequin’s torso and arms, holding an orange purse and wearing clunky orange bracelets. Click and three more well-dressed mannequins are spread out in over a large area. Click and champagne is being poured into a glass. Click for a pair of 4-inch open-toed pumps and two purses. Click to another mannequin in orange with an oversized pearl bracelet. Click and there’s a pair of large sunglasses, resting on a black and gold lizard case.] ♪♫ Bum bum bum bum bum bum‚ bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum ♪♫ Mr. Sandman [Click as someone takes a gold camisole on a hanger off the rack. Click to a pair of red heels alone on a multilevel display. Click on a necklace. Click and Cuddy is fastening the neck of a leopard-print blouse.] [She’s standing in front of a triple mirror in a dressing room the size of some living rooms. Behind her is a coffee table with a couple of chairs. On the far side of that Arlene sits on a sofa, typing into her Blackberry.] Arlene: If you're going to dress like an Italian hooker, at least let it be this year's Italian hooker. [Cuddy looks exasperated as her sister, Julia, walks past, carrying an outfit.] Julia: She's not telling us we look fat. That's a major breakthrough. Arlene: If you didn't want to be insulted, you wouldn't have invited me. Saleswoman: Would anyone like some champagne? Cuddy: No. [She pulls the blouse off. She’s wearing a purple bra.] Arlene: Yes, three glasses, please. Cuddy: Mom. Julia: Yeah, it's not — it's not even lunch. Arlene: If you'd prefer, I'll make it a mimosa. Julia: What do you think? [She shows Arlene the gold camisole.] Arlene: Perfect… for a night on the town. [She turns to Cuddy who is adjusting a skin-tight tnk top.] Perfect for breast-feeding. ♪♫ Please turn on your magic beam ♪♫ Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream [Arlene takes off her glasses and puts her hand in her shirt.] Arlene: My heart's doing that weird thing again. Cuddy: Beating? That's normal for humans. Julia: Come on, Lisa, take her seriously for once. ♪♫ Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream make him the cutest… [Cuddy sits next to Arlene and checks the pulse in her neck. She looks serious.] Arlene: What? What is it? Cuddy: I think we need to get you to the hospital. [Arlene and Julia look at each other. Cuddy looks worried and a little guilty at having scoffed at her mother’s complaint.] ♪♫ Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream [Title card. No opening credits.] [Cut to the morgue. A body is on a stretcher. One foot is purple. A toe tag hangs on that foot. House, Chase, Foreman and Taub are sitting in a line, eating potato chips and watching a cartoon on a small, portable TV. Masters stands, facing them.] TV: I'm dying to try it. Masters: Is no one gonna tell me… House: [without taking his eyes off the screen] Shh-shh-shh. TV: How delightful. [House smiles at the TV, eats a potato chip and reaches into the bag, which is on the table next to the corpse’s head, for another one.] Masters: [whispers] Why we're in the morgue? Chase: House is on the lam from someone. Taub's got his money on Wilson, but I'm pretty sure it's Cuddy. Foreman: Fool's bet. There's a whole world of angry patients, creditors… [The doors open. Cuddy stomps in, looking annoyed. House rolls his eyes.] Cuddy: She needs a doctor. [Chase makes a fist then holds out his hand for a disappointed Taub to slap it.] House: Yes, just not me. Your mom is a 65-year-old woman with high blood pressure. Cuddy: What about the macrocytic anemia? House: Borderline, which is the lab equivalent of imaginary, which, by the way, matches the rest of her medical history. Cuddy: You really think she's psyching herself into atrial fibrillation? House: So get her a cardiologist. You don't want me involved. You don't want you involved. All that ethics stuff that I don't give a crap about suddenly makes sense. If you're emotionally invested, you cannot make rational decisions. You know this would be a disaster. Cuddy: [quietly] This is my mother. [The guys turn to look at House. Ball’s in his court.] [Cut to Arlene’s room. Cuddy stands next to House. He’s got a tie on, slightly crooked, and he’s wearing a too-tight lab coat.] House: [smiling “pleasantly”] Treadmill test went well — no chest discomfort or ischemia. The abnormal rhythm will probably resolve itself, and if not, a daily pill will keep it under control. I will follow up later today. Arlene: [blinks] Is it connected to my other symptoms? Cuddy: Which other symptoms, Mom? Arlene: Aye… Not her fault. This "Dean of Medicine" stuff — very impressive at parties. But she's forgotten how to be a real doctor. It's all in my file. [House stares at her like she’s a weird exhibit at the zoo. He and Cuddy look at each other.] House: There are 15 years of clinic visits in this file. Arlene: I don't want to be a bother. But isn't this what you do for a living? House: [opening the file] So… we're looking for a disease that can last a decade and a half, causes constipation, diarrhea, flu, cold, dizziness, rashes, back and joint pain, "heart feeling weird," "kishkes feeling wobbly," one actual hip replacement. And which has eluded detection by years of blood work, X-rays, and MRIs. Well, one thing does pop to mind. Cuddy: [cutting him off] We'll monitor you, and we'll give you a thyroid test. And House's team will do a home search for environmental toxins. Arlene: He seems to know his stuff. How come he can't afford a coat that fits? [Cuddy’s hand hits the table as House leans toward her with a “told you so” smile.] [Cut to Arlene’s house. Taub and Masters are searching it. There’s a picture of Arlene with her grown daughters who are dressed as cowgirls.] Masters: No radon, no mold, no lead in the pipes. Taub: Yeah, yeah, great. Have you seen Cuddy's high-school yearbook? Masters: Okay, that is clearly not related to the case, so— Taub: There is no case. Cuddy won't let House see the yearbook, so he figures there's something to hide. Any guesses? It's clearly related to being a giant teenage dork. Masters: So you thought I'd have some insights. Taub: Oh, no, no. I didn't mean. Masters: Relax. I was crowned homecoming geek. I'm sure you can relate… [he looks at her quizzically] because you knew some dorks. Taub: I was the class president and head boy at — AAH! [He’s pulled some pictures out of a drawer. Masters comes over and he hands her a couple.] Masters: Oh… Is that — is that Cuddy's mom? Taub: Certain parts of her… and certain parts of some muscular Hispanic gentleman. Masters: Should we consider STDs? Taub: I think I just caught one looking at these photos. Masters: [reading the label on a bottle that was in the drawer] What does "azarcon" mean? I— Taub: It means we might have an actual case. [Cut to the hospital. House and Cuddy are walking down the hall.] House: Mexican herbal medication for stomach problems, but only in the sense that lead chromate is an herb and poison is a medication. Cuddy: I'll start a chelation I.V. Thank you so much. That wasn't too much of a disaster, was it? [She starts to enter Arlene’s room. House stops her.] House: You know… that's not the only thing they found in her home. Cuddy: Not my yearbook… House: Nope. Just some stuff that could cause severe nausea and permanent erectile dysfunction… and which proves that your mom is doing the help. According to her diary, it's some contractor named Jesus… which, granted, was originally a Jewish name, but… [Cuddy has been staring at him, eyes wide open. She blinks a couple of times and turns to look at her mother.] Cuddy: Go, Mom. [She gives him a kiss and enters the room.] Cuddy: So… why were you taking a Mexican folk remedy? Arlene: A friend uses it. Cuddy: A friend? Mom… just for medical reasons, you should have told me. If you're sexually active— Arlene: At my age, he's more the active one. Cuddy: Mom's having a fling. Julia: I know. Cuddy: You do? Arlene: She's been giving me lousy advice about it for five years. I have physical needs. Julia: He's a married man, Mom. Arlene: She doesn't want sex with him. I do want to have sex with him. Tell me, who's being hurt? Cuddy: Hold on. Five years? Why didn't you tell me about it? Arlene: I don't know. We don't have that kind of relationship. [long pause. Cuddy looks hurt.] Does that really surprise you? [Cut to a dingy hotel room. Taub is shifting a box as big as he is. Foreman watches him.] Foreman: You’re not ready? You said you had two guys helping you move. Taub: They couldn't get out of work. I'm trying to economize. And this hotel is cheaper. Rachel: [knocking on the open door] Hi. I'm sorry. I just wanted to drop off some mail and talk to you about something. Taub: Of course. [He puts down a box and follows her into the other room.] Taub: Rache… [They’re sitting on the bed. The door is open. Taub fondles her hand which is resting on her knee. She pulls her hand away.] Rachel: Chris, that's not why… We got to move on. Taub: What does that mean? Have you moved on? With who? Is it Phil? Rachel: I don't want to talk about this. I know that you're worried about money, so— Taub: You're trying to change the subject. Rachel: Yeah, which you could have gleaned from, "I don't want to talk about this." I got you a tryout to be a part-time medical consultant on lawsuits. Taub: Wait, with your brother? Have you completely forgotten the last time I saw him? Rachel: That was five years ago. Jamie had just found out that you'd been cheating on me with your partner's daughter. It's a little overreaction. Might have been— Taub: He broke my nose and then called me the most horrible person he's ever met. Rachel: He shouldn't have broken your nose. [She hands him a business card and gets up, leaving him sitting alone.] [Cut to Arlene’s room. She’s browsing the web on the MacBook that Apple spent a lot of money to have prominently displayed. House enters. The lab coat is unbuttoned and only half the shirt is tucked in. He’s still wearing the tie and the back half is several inches longer than the front.] House: You know, texts, calls, and emails all go to the same magic device these days. You only got to send one. Arlene: Then it's even weirder it took you so long to get down here. House: [playing nice] Yeah, that's a crazy mystery. It's not like I got a department to run. Arlene: This other magic device [her computer] tells me that lead poisoning wouldn't cause all my symptoms. House: True. But it could cause the 5% that are real. Arlene: You think I'm a hypochondriac? House: Well, let me answer this way— maybe you're imagining that I think you're a hypochondriac. Arlene: Look, my hand just started to shake. It's a side effect of these arthritis pills. Read the label. House: I did… when I was typing it up, right before I slapped it on a bottle of sugar pills. Arlene: You printed a fake label… just to prove I'm a hypochondriac? House: Did it work? Arlene: It got you fired, you schmuck. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. It’s night. She’s behind her desk on her MacBook. Her iPad is on a stand on her desk. House is pacing.] Cuddy: An hour to convince her to go with Dr. Kaufman, and only then because he runs internal medicine. She wanted to leave the hospital entirely. House: My God, a woman getting better wants to leave the hospital? Cuddy: If she's getting better, it's not because you made her feel like a fool. House: It couldn't be more because. If I hadn't, she'd have diagnosed herself with six new forms of cancer. She'd never leave. Cuddy: It's hard enough dealing with my mom being sick. This juvenile— [Her phone rings.] Yeah? [Dr. Kaufman is in Arlene’s room. Julia is there too.] Kaufman: Lisa, it's gonna be okay, but she's in a-fib at 170. Cuddy: Oh, God. Kaufman: I think we should cardiovert while she's unsedated. Cuddy: I'll be right there. [to House] A-fib's at 170. [She starts to rush out.] House: Wait. I'm sorry she's sick. I'm not sorry I'm off the case. Cuddy: You're not off the case. House: You don't think you can convince her— Cuddy: No, no. You are staying on. She just can't know about it. [Cut to Kaufman walking down a hall by a nurses’ station. House joins him. Kaufman looks annoyed.] House: Top of the morning, Dr. Kaufman. Here's the deal. You copy me on all the imaging. I'll have my guys run the lab tests. Kaufman: No. House: I thought you spoke to Cuddy. Kaufman: Yeah. Then I spoke to the elder Cuddy, who specifically requested you not be involved. House: Listen, Kauffy, you are perfectly competent, bordering on good, even. But you know I'm better. If you want, we can pretend it's 'cause I got a team and more resources. Either way, it'd be crazy to ignore my advice. Kaufman: It's not gonna stop at advice. You're gonna start cutting me out, go behind me to your girlfriend. And if something goes wrong, still me standing up there alone at the M&M. Please… stay away from my patient. [Cut to Diagnostics conference room. He’s adjusting a listening advice. The team watches.] Arlene’s voice: Which button? Cuddy’s voice: The one by your right hand with the design of the bed next to it and the arrows pointing up or down. Taub: You bugged the room? House: I absolutely, without apology, will admit that someone may have allegedly done so. Masters: Guess we can pass unethical and skip straight to illegal. House: Not according to the recent Supreme Court case of bite versus me. Arlene’s voice: Dr. Kaufman's single. Did you know he went to Harvard Medical School? Cuddy’s voice: Mom, stop yenta-ing for one minute! [Taub smiles and Foreman smirks.] Arlene’s voice: If you want gloomy and unable to commit, then stick with the goyishe one. House: This is completely unethical. Why are we listening to this? Masters: I know I'm a pain, but it's impossible for me to work with you if you— House: Fine, fine! Instead of a live stream, I'll get a recap from Cuddy 20 minutes later — thank you for saving America. Chase: Could be leukemia. Anemia from taking over the marrow, a-fib from infiltrating cardiac muscle. Foreman: Sounds good. House: Yeah. I was really hoping for a different diagnosis — one that Kaufman hadn't already come up with. He just started a bone-marrow biopsy. Masters: So we don't need to do anything. House: I don't. You do. Go to admitting. Find us a new case. [House takes his backpack and goes to his office. As soon as Masters leaves, he leans back into the conference room and whispers to get the guys’ attention.] Whff! Psst, psst! Whaa! Phfffft! [Chase, Foreman and Taub enter his office.] House: DDX. Foreman: Um, we just did it. House: No, we just did the fake one. Why do you think I let the truth fairy know about the bug? I was testing her. She failed. She's still a narc. Thiamine deficiency fits better than leukemia. Taub: You think she's an alcoholic? House: I had dinner with Arlene. I mixed her a gin and tonic. And I'd run out of the tonic, so I substituted sleeping pills. Next morning, she assumed the blackout was from the drinking. How many old ladies are used to passing out from boozing? The answer is the boozers. We're gonna have to slip her the thiamine pills. Foreman: We've got to run this by Cuddy. House: [nods] Why do you think I'm in such a bad mood? [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s at her desk, shocked and upset.] Cuddy: Alcoholic? House: Treatment's very easy, safe. It's literally a few vitamin pills. It'll fix her heart, and it won't interfere with the biopsy Kaufman's running. [He places a bottle of pills on her desk.] Put 'em in an antacid bottle. Just tell her it's for stomach problems. Cuddy: I have to ask her about this. House: Of course. Absolutely. You'll ask. She'll deny. You'll push it. She'll get offended. You'll be exactly where you are now, except it'll be harder to treat. You've absolutely got to do that. Cuddy: I don't think she'll lie to me. House: She just spent the last five years going south of the border down Mexico way. Cuddy: We have our issues, but since Dad died, we tell each other the truth when asked directly. It's important to us. House: Addicts lie. [Cut to Arlene’s room. Julia is there. Cuddy enters. She’s holding the bottle of pills.] Cuddy: Can I speak to Mom alone? Arlene: Why? You're scaring me, Lisa. Cuddy: Mom, I think your drinking is causing your heart problems. Julia: Is this about the champagne? She ordered— [Cuddy shakes her head and Julia butts out.] Cuddy: Patsy and Anne told me last week you lost control at the museum luncheon. Arlene: You're talking to my friends behind my back. Cuddy: We are all concerned. Just tell me honestly… how much have you been drinking? Arlene: I may be your patient, but I am still your mother. And I'm telling you I am not a drunk. Cuddy: [long pause] Okay. [She starts to leave then turns back.] For your stomach pains. [She gives Arlene two pills and pours her a glass of water.] [Cut to the lobby. Cuddy is sitting by the wall of water. House joins her.] Cuddy: If something like that comes up again, just… do what you need to do. House: And keep you out of it? Cuddy: Yeah. I am being a coward, which is exactly why doctors shouldn't treat their own families. Congratulations. You were right, as usual. [She leaves.] [Cut to large office, decorated to impress clients. Jamie, Rachel’s brother, is behind the desk, talking to Taub.] Jamie: The hitting you was not optimal. I was going through my own divorce at the time. I have had years of therapy. Now when I get mad, I do some deep breathing, squeeze my stress ball. Taub: Hey, I kind of deserved it. Jamie: That's for sure. Here's the deal. I do a lot of med-mal, insurance. I need a new non-testifying expert. I'll give you one case as a tryout. You kick ass, I put you on retainer. Average 15 hours a week, it's 50 a year. Taub: 50 what? Jamie: You kidding? $50,000. Taub: I'll take it. Jamie: You drive a soft bargain. You got to sign an N.D.A. [He goes into his files to get the non-disclosure agreement form. Taub stands and sees an x-ray on a table.] Taub: Sure. Is this…? Jamie: Uh, that's a case I'm about to settle. I rep a giant pizza-delivery company. Driver ht that kid, messed up his legs. Taub: And gave him a microbleed in his brain, right? Jamie: What? No. Taub: This little white mark. Jamie: Your predecessor checked, so did the kid's doctors. I don't know what that is, but he's fine. Taub: Probably. But if there's any doubt— Jamie: It's a multimillion-dollar case. We're settling in two days. Lay off it, okay? Taub: Okay. You're right. I'm off. [Jamie sqeezes his stress ball. Hard.] [Cut to the hospital House gets off the elevator. Cuddy is waiting for him near Arlene’s room.] Cuddy: She spiked a fever. It's 102. House: That means I was wrong about the thiamine deficiency. Cuddy: You were wrong about the alcoholism. House: True dat. It's actually looking more and more like leukemia. Cuddy: Kaufman rushed the biopsies. It's not cancer. House: So there's a bright side… Kaufman was wrong too. [She shakes her head in disbelief and walks off.] [Cut to a patient room. An unconscious man is in the bed. The entire team is there.] House: DDX. Chase: Okay… What disease can turn Cuddy's mother into a coma patient named Stewart? House: Lupus? We got fired from that case. We're moving on. Taub: We were already fired. House: By the patient. This time by Cuddy, so it's real. She somehow realized that her completely unworkable system was completely unworkable. Okay, pop quiz, hot shts — I chose vegetable Stew for a reason. You got 60 seconds, no "hintsies." [He taps his wristwatch then mimes zipping his lip.] Foreman: You're not gonna talk to us? House: Exactly. You're gonna have to— [Oops. He talked] Hey! [scoffs] You're good. Masters: So this is just a test? [House nods] Foreman: Pupils fixed and dilated — an addict, found with an empty bottle of phenobarb next to him. How is this a mystery? It's an overdose. Masters: [reading the chart] Glutethimide! Script filled last year. Could mimic fixed and dilated without the brain death… [House starts to give her a double “thumbs up.”] Except he'll just get better on his own, so why would you take this case? [House shrugs elaborately.] Chase: Because House doesn't care about the treatment as long as the case is interesting. Masters: I'll do a blood draw and put glutethimide on the tox screen. [House bows to her. He leaves, followed by the guys.] [Cut to the hallway.] House: Really? You thought that case was interesting? Chase: Oh, guess we're still on Arlene. Foreman: Aren't there other ways of keeping Masters occupied? House: Not according to my sexual harassment seminar. [Cut to a treatment room where the team works on the DDX and hides from Masters at the same time.] Taub: Maybe it's not hypochondria. She said she gets a lot of rashes. Add the fever — sounds like autoimmune, S.L.E. House: Congratulations, you can think exactly like a semi-competent internist. Kaufman's starting her on prednisone. But the heart problems were first. Foreman: Endocarditis. Chase: With no murmurs? House: It's usually a late sign. Chase: Echo showed pristine valves. House: Below the resolving threshold. Foreman: Kaufman's prednisone will suppress her immune system — could kll her. Taub: You got to tell him it's endocarditis. House: Check the wiretap. His I.D. guy's been putting the same argument to him. He can't convince him. You think I got a better sht? Taub: So what do we do? House: We switch her meds. [Taub and Foreman are really shocked.] We get a solution of broad-spectrum antibiotics, stick it in an I.V. bag marked for prednisone. Kaufman can only be there a few times a day. Tell Arlene you're from the pharmacy, switch 'em out. Foreman: This is nuts. This is way too complicated. House: [loudly] It's hanging an I.V. bag! Foreman: [louder] If the attending doesn't know what she's on, the risk of drug reaction— House: [louder still] What risk? We know how he's treating her. We bugged the room. Foreman: [very loud] This is not about information! We're talking ethical and legal violations on a scale that should make even you puke! House: [shouting] She's dying! Foreman: That doesn't mean we should all go to jail to save her! [normal voice] You're losing control because… this is your girlfriend's mom. Chase: You gonna run this by Cuddy? House: No. She said to keep her out of it, do what we need to do. Look, I know what I'm suggesting is completely screwed up. That's because this situation is completely screwed up. Do it, or you're fired. [He leaves.] Foreman: We stick together, he can't fre all three of us. Chase: Give me your prescription pad. Foreman: Why are you doing this? Chase: Because I think it's endocarditis, and I think the prednisone will kll her. And I forgot my prescription pad. [Taub gives him a pad and he leaves.] [Cut to Diagnostics conference room. Foreman is brooding. Taub is thinking.] Taub: Am I a horrible person? I used to win awards for volunteer work. I went to Guatemala and fixed cleft palates. Now we're sitting back letting Chase do our dirty work. Foreman: We're doing the right thing — stay out of it. Taub: I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore. Then this thing with the kid, Rachel's brother— Foreman: Stay out of that too. A: radiologists — experts, unlike you — said no bleed. B: you yourself said it's probably not. C: you've got no doctor-patient relationship. D: you'll lose your consulting job. E: your ex will kll you. F: I'm running out of alphabet here. [Chase enters. The others look at him.] Foreman: You do it? Chase: Had the bag, walking towards the room, and Cuddy's sister says, "Hey, Dr. Chase." I met her at that charity event last year. One of you two has got to do this. Foreman: I met Arlene at the same benefit. Taub: Conveniently. Come on, don't ask me. I don't even know if I believe it's endo—[His phone chirps. He looks at the caller ID.] Damn it. It's Rachel's brother. He wants me to check out some new case. Foreman: Conveniently. Taub: It's a tryout. I need this job. I got to do this. Foreman: So you're just gonna ditch us, run off, and work on some other case? [Cut to a home. The doorbell rings. The woman inside answers. Taub is on the doorstep.] Taub: Are you Timothy's mom? Timothy’s Mom: Yeah. [Timothy is behind her, in a wheelchair.] Taub: My name is Christopher Taub. I'm a doctor at Princeton Plainsboro. I saw your son's file. I think he might have a very small bleed in his brain. Timothy’s Mom: Wait, you — you saw his file? H-how do you even know who we are? I-I’ve never— Taub: Your son could die of a brain hemorrhage. He needs a cerebral angiogram today. Get in your car and meet me at the hospital. Timothy’s Mom: Timothy, we're gonna go see the doctor. [Cut to Arlene’s room. Julia sits on the edge of the bed, holding her mother’s hand.] [Cut to a men’s room. House, Chase, Foreman and Taub are there.] House: Another pop quiz. How many idiot doctors does it take to switch an I.V.? The longer we wait, the more the prednisone is gonna kll her immune system. Forget playing pharmacist. Mom naps every afternoon. Wait by the room. When she falls asleep, get the sister out somehow. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. Masters knocks and enters. It’s dark and thunder can be heard in the background. A storm has apparently started since Taub went to Timothy’s house.] Masters: Hi, Dr. Cuddy, is now a good time to talk? Cuddy: Not really. Masters: So, um, you know how you had us consulting and then stopped having us consult? Cuddy: Why are you still here? Masters: Um, well, I think the stopping might have… stopped. House put me on this weird case where there's no treatment — I think maybe to distract me. Uh, and they've been acting odd. Cuddy: I'll look into it. Thank you for coming to me. Masters: Because I-I'm worried that he's switching your mother's medications. I checked with the pharmacy — Dr. Chase got prednisone and antibiotics for my coma patient, which wouldn't treat him, but could treat conditions that cause… heart failure. [Cut to House’s office. It’s pouring outside. Cuddy is agitated and pacing.] House: You told me to keep you out of it, do what I needed to do. What the hell did you think that meant? Cuddy: I meant, like, if you had to slip her a few more vitamin pills or something. This is life-thrat! It's illegal. I wasn't expecting something like this. House: Only because you intentionally weren't thinking about it 'cause you don't want to make any tough decisions. Cuddy: [calmer] Are you completely sure it's endocarditis? House: That's not a real question. Endocarditis fits better than the alternatives. [deep breath] We're having a little trouble hanging the right I.V. The fastest way is with you help. [Cut to Arlene’s room. Cuddy is fixing an I.V. bag with a prednisone label.] Cuddy: Where'd Julia go? Arlene: She's got a family. Cuddy: I've got a family. Arlene: Three kids and a husband — that's a family. Cuddy: You are always tougher on me than Julia. Why is that? Arlene: I'm not. Cuddy: I was thinking about when you made me run for yearbook editor — I didn't want to. I didn't have a social life my whole senior year. You let Julia do whatever she wanted. Arlene: We're debating 12th grade now? Cuddy: Like anything's changed. Arlene: What do you want, Lisa? Do you want to hear I love you both the same? Of course I do. Cuddy: Okay. Arlene: But times like this, when we argue, it reminds me… I have more in common with her. She's nicer to me. I love you both… but I like her more than you. [Cuddy nods. Her arms are folded across her chest. She leaves.] [Cut to a lounge. Foreman is watching TV and wearing a sweatshirt. Taub enters, wearing his coat. It’s still dark and raining outside.] Foreman: I called you three times. Taub: My phone wasn't exactly on. I figure I'll be getting some angry calls once radiology sends back the angiogram. Foreman: They already did. [picks up an x-ray from the table] Here… this is what you saw. It's an anatomical variant of the skull — the bone in proximity to a blood vessel. There was nothing wrong with him. That was reason "G." Taub: That's good news for him. [Cut to Arlene’s room. She can’t breathe. Kaufman is holding an oxygen mask over her nose. Cuddy rushes in.] Cuddy: Lungs clear? Kaufman: Diffuse wheezing, tightness, pruritis. Cuddy: It's an allergic reaction. Kaufman: Looks like. Doesn't make any sense. She's on prednisone. How could she get an allergic reaction? [Cut to Cuddy’s office. Her face is in her hands. House is pacing. Chase, Foreman and Taub sit in a row.] Cuddy: I switched out the antibiotics, put her back on prednisone — her breathing's normal. But the a-fib's back, and her fever's up. Taub: Allergy's got to be due to our antibiotics. House: Does Kaufman know what we did? That's good. Cuddy: No, that is terrible! He doesn't know that she got worse on antibiotics, so now he's thinking endocarditis. He'll put her back on the antibiotics that almost suffocated her. What do we do? House: We push through this. It started in the heart. Endocarditis still fits. It's just got to be fungal. We have to switch Kaufman's antibiotics for amphotericin B. Foreman: I don't know if you're right. I don't care. But we are gonna end up klling this woman if we keep confusing her attending with these secret meds. House: I don't care about confusing the attending! I want this woman— Foreman: We're not talking about simple antibiotics anymore. Amphotericin B is dangerous in itself. It's a poison. That's why it kills fungi. It'll give her fever, chills— House: Which she already has, which will help us hide it. Cuddy: I don't think I can take a risk like that. House: [shouts] Well, then you shouldn't have let her fre me! [calmer] Look, all you have to do is switch the I.V.s again. Cuddy: This has blown up on you once already. Taub: He's right. Chase: Yep. Cuddy: I'm so sorry I got you guys into this. You should go. [Foreman is out the door immediately, followed by Taub and Chase.] House: I'm right. Cuddy: I know. And I'll do it, but— [The team didn’t close the office door, behind House, when they left. Cuddy looks up and House turns to see Masters standing there. House turns back to Cuddy and rolls his eyes heavenward.] [Cut to Masters sitting on the couch, reading the last entries in Arlene’s file.] Masters: I agree. Fungal endocarditis fits. [Cuddy and House are both relieved.] But we still have to tell your mother. [Cuddy looks at her, disbelievingly.] I don't want to tell her, not at all. But the patient is the highest priority. House: I'm kicking you out of your office. Yes, you. This is not her office yet. [Cuddy leaves. Masters looks scared. House crosses to sit behind the desk, looming over Masters in the process.] If you tell anyone, I will get you thrown out of med school, and I will destroy your career. Masters: I've thought about that. Lying about me… won't work. Everybody knows your reputation. [She’s nervous but resolute. She punctuates her speech with little head nods as if to reassure herself that she agrees with what she’s saying.] House: True… but I won't have to lie. Buried in your coma patient's big, big file is a form that doesn't allow treatment without the expressed consent of the relatives. Masters: Wait… House: You drew blood. And that's not just a screw-up. It's a criminal asault. Masters: But you told me— House: No. As you may recall… [He mimes zipping his lip again.] Masters: You set me up? [long pause as she processes this] Why? House: [very quiet, very serious] Because this patient is the highest priority. [Masters nods slightly, nods again and tries to smile.] [Cut to a bathroom. The door bursts open, Masters rushes in and just gets the toilet lid up in time to vomit. She leans back and wipes her hair out of her face. She’s breathing heavily.] [Cut to a men’s room. The janitors haven’t been there – there’s toilet paper scattered on the floor. Taub stands in front of a urinal. Finished he shakes once and starts to zip himself up. A hand grabs the back of his neck and shoves his face into the wall. He falls to the floor. His nose is bleeding profusely.] Jamie: You made her think I was hiding her son being sick! She scuttled the settlement. She reported me to the bar. I got to deal with that crap now. I will sue you for slander, for tortious interference, and anything else I can use to destroy you. Oh, and my sister says stay out of her life… You failure. [whispers to himself as he leaves] Five years of therapy. [Cut to Arlene’s room. Kaufman, Cuddy and Julia are there. The door opens.] Masters: Dr. Kaufman? I need to speak with you and the patient alone. [Cut to Arlene’s room shortly thereafter. Kaufman is agitated. Cuddy is on the couch under the window, head in hand. House and Masters are at the foot of the bed, facing Kaufman.] Kaufman: I'm skipping the credentials committee. I'm going straight to the state board and reporting you for — what you've done is so off the spectrum, I don't know there's a specific name for it. House: [to Masters] I think he's talking to you. Cuddy: Marty, calm down. Kaufman: And you — what you did is worse. He's an insane lunatic. You're the Dean of Medicine! Arlene: I want you off my case. Kaufman: That's exactly right. Arlene: Don't get excited. You're fired too. Kaufman: What? Arlene: I'll never get away from House or my daughter if I stay here. Transfer me to Princeton General. Cuddy: Mom… you're very ill, and you're very angry. You really think now is the right time to make a decision like this? Arlene: You lied to me and betrayed me. Do you think I really care what you consider a good idea anymore? [She turns her head away while everyone lets this sink in for several moments.] Cuddy: I'll get the ambulance. [leaves] House: [to Masters] Happy? [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She and House enter. She’s almost in tears. The storm outside rages on.] Cuddy: I can't believe it. What just happened? House: You just klled her. Cuddy: Are you blaming me? This is all because you're so arrogant, you goaded her into fring you! House: Actually, my mistakes started a little after that, when I agreed to your brilliant scheme to keep me on the case after she'd fired me off it. Cuddy: She would have left the hospital. House: Only 'cause you would have let her, like you did just now. Cuddy: You think I can control her? House: I don't know. I've never seen you try. Cuddy: I have been rebelling against this woman my entire life. House: Here's what I've seen. She insults you, you complain to me. I drug her at dinner, you never let her know. We slip her medicine, happens behind her back. You never confront her… and it pisses me off. Cuddy: Are you taking this personally? House: She leaves, she dies. One day… maybe a week from now, maybe a year from now, you're gonna decide that the man sleeping next to you klled your mother. [He looms in] Get me my patient back. [Cut to the ambulance bay. Cuddy dashes through the rain and opens the door to an ambulance. Arlene is on a stretch and Julia is sitting opposite her.] Julia: This is really bad, Lise. Lisa: I swear to God, Jules, I will call security! [Julia balks for a moment then leaves. Cuddy climbs in and sits in her place.] I asked you before why you were tough on me. Arlene: I wasn't. Cuddy: You were. And I know why. You see something in me that you didn't see in Julia and you didn't see in you — a type of ambition, a type of brains. That's why you rode me. You made me yearbook editor, summa undergrad, A.O.A. in med school. The only time I ever see light in your eyes is when you hear me talking about my job. The reason you keep coming to see me in the clinic is because you trust me. You trust my medical judgment. So here it is. If you transfer to Princeton General, you'll be treated well, and you'll die. If you stay here with House, you'll be treated badly, but you'll live. I don't care if I have to slash the tires of every ambulance in this bay, Mom. I am not letting you leave my hospital. [Cut to Arlene’s room. She’s being transferred back to her bed.] Nurse: One, two, three. Cuddy: I got it. How you feeling, Mom? Arlene: I feel a little dizzy. House: Your heart's still weak from the infection. We'll hang an antifungal I.V. [He starts getting the I.V. bag ready] Arlene: If you're so great, how come you're not running your department anymore? Cuddy: What are you talking about, Mom? Arlene: That's what he told me. House: Two days ago? I said that I didn't have a department to run, I was being sarcastic. Arlene: No, you weren't. House: Right, because people who are talking can't tell if they're being sarcastic. Arlene: That doesn't make any sense. Of course they can. But you weren't. [House and Cuddy exchange looks. House thinks for a moment then speaks very deliberately.] House: I love A-Rod. He's soooo modest. And I highly respect the paintings he has of himself as a centaur. Question — do I like A-Rod? Arlene: Yes… Whoever he is. Cuddy: She can't recognize sarcasm? House: Deficit in the right parahippocampal gyrus, which means CNS involvement before the fever. [puts the I.V. bag down] I was wrong about the endocarditis. Arlene: [weakly] I-I don't — I don't feel— [She passes out.] Cuddy: Mom? Mom! Heart rate 170. Nurse! [to House] Do something. House: I am. Cuddy: House! House: The fever was hypothalamic. That means brain, heart, anemia, allergy. You hear that, what do you think? Cuddy: [injecting something in Arlene’s I.V. line] I don't know. House: You think heavy-metal toxicity. Cuddy: It can't be. You treated with chelation for lead. House: She got better, then she got worse. She never stopped being poisoned. Cuddy: What are you doing? [He goes to a cart, opens a drawer and takes something out.] House: You really want me to stop and explain? [He snaps on a glove, unsheathes a scalpel and makes an incision in Arlene’s hip. Arlene, who is still out of it, moans slightly.] There it is. Look at that. Cuddy: The muscle's black. Necrosis? House: Metallosis. Her artificial hip "weared and teared" way too much. It's cobalt poisoning. We need Chase to get an O.R. I'm gonna start chelation again. [Cuddy pulls another bag out of the cart. She and House look at each other as they begin to work on Arlene together.] [Cut to Taub’s hotel room. He’s sitting on the bed. His nose is packed and he looks a mess. There’s a quiet knock on the door. He doesn’t answer. After another knock, Rachel enters and sits next to him.] Taub: I thought you didn't want to see me. Rachel: I didn't. Foreman called me. I didn't know that you thought that little boy had a bleed in his head. I will k*ll my brother if he messes with you anymore. Taub: What do you care? Rachel: Chris… you were a crappy husband… but you are a good person. [She pulls his head onto her shoulder and holds him. He wraps his hand around her forearm.] [Cut to locker room. Masters is packing up her locker. House enters.] House: Once again, you are unfired. Masters: Why? House: You sold me out even though you knew that you were gonna get thrown out of med school. That's just… kind of impressive. Masters: I keep my job if I stand up to you. I keep it if I don't. I… don't buy it. House: When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. She's now protecting a boyfriend. The hospital's not gonna put up with that for long. So I need you to protect me from doing something Cuddy will regret. See you bright and late tomorrow. [He leaves. Her chin wobbles a little and she snuffles, but she puts her lab coat back in her locker.] [Cut to Arlene’s room. Julia is holding the old artificial hip.] Julia: Mom… Why would you want to keep this? [Cuddy enters.] Arlene: So I can mount it on the wall, like a moose head. [Julia steps away. Arlene gestures at her computer.] It says here cobalt can cause rashes, dizziness, and stomach problems. You still think I've been imagining the whole thing? Cuddy: Okay, you might have a point. How do you feel? Arlene: You know, a little dizziness… some pain. [Cuddy is gripping the side rail of the bed. Arlene slips her hand, with an oximeter on her finger, into Cuddy’s hand. They hold hands. Cuddy smiles.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x11 - Family Practice"}	foreverdreaming
[The scene opens inside a busy restaurant. Nadia, a waitress, is clearing a dirty table. A couple sits in a nearby booth] Wife: Excuse me, waitress? Nadia: (looking up at the customer) I'm afraid the teriyaki chicken's no longer on the menu. [The customer looks confused. Nadia pick up the tray of dirty dishes and goes over to their table] Nadia: Oh, I'm sorry. That's what you had last time. Wife: We've never been here before. Nadia: I definitely remember you. Henry (Husband): No, we never get up north. We're just up to see a friend of ours who moved here last summer. Nadia: (speaking to the wife) Your hair was lighter. You had little round glasses. Henry: (to his wife) Sounds like you. Wife: Henry, don't play along. It's a gimmick, for tips. (to Nadia) Could we get some water? [Flashbacks of the last time Nadia saw the wife run through her head) Nadia: It was last August. Saturday, the 14th. You were wearing a blue dress with polka dots. Your eyes were puffy, like you'd been crying. Henry: The 14th is Darren's birthday. You said he had to cancel his party 'cause his old girlfriend showed up. They got into a huge fight. Wife: Henry… Henry: I knew it. Damn it. Ever since that ski trip when the two of you disappeared. Nadia: I'll go… get your water. [Nadia stops, then falls face down, dropping the tray of dishes on the floor where they shatter. A young policeman who is sitting at the counter rushed to her aid] Policeman: Are you all right? Are you okay? [The policeman turns Nadia over onto her back, revealing multiple cuts from the broken glassware] Nadia: I can't move my legs! OPENING CREDITS [Scene opens on the lit face of House in a dark room] House: Picture a door. Unlocked with the key of the mind. Two medical cases, both more fascinating than the last. Masters: That actually makes no logical sense. [House turns the flashlight onto Master’s face. She squints and grimaces from the bright light in her eyes.] House: This is not a door to logical sense. Also, shut up. (shining the light back onto his own face) Case number one. 33-year-old woman named… [House flips the switch on a light table, revealing the entire team gathered in the radiology viewing room. There are multiple copies of the patient’s file sitting in the middle of the light table. They all take one. House continues] House: Something I can't remember. You'll see the irony in a second. Presenting with temporary paralysis, high CK levels, and a perfect memory. [House flips another switch, which turns on all the viewing lights on the walls, revealing multiple brain scans] Chase: How perfect is perfect? House: Perfectly perfect. Hyperthymesia. Complete recall of every moment of every day since puberty. All 7,600,049 of them. It's cool, huh? One of only a handful of recorded cases. Foreman: So we have two symptoms: Temporary leg paralysis and elevated CK. House: Obviously you're not suffering from the same condition 'cause you've already forgotten my dramatic voiceover. There's a third symptom. Foreman: Her memory's unrelated. Masters: Why? It's a strange medical phenomenon— Foreman: Hyperthymesia is known to manifest in adolescence. House: Yeah, in the whole five documented cases. Foreman: To be related, it would mean 20 years between symptoms. Plus, I don't know of any diseases that cause great memory, only ones that destroy it. MRI showed no evidence of stroke or tumor, so probably a toxin. Taub: She's a waitress. They're no strangers to botulism or alcoholism. We should search the diner and where she lives. House: Or you could search her brain. You know, where her memory lives. Save the gas. (to Taub and Foreman) You two check her home. (to Chase and Masters) You two get a complete patient history. We'll see who gets an answer first. Taub: You said there's a second case? House: Oh! Yeah. Thanks. [House turns on another light screen revealing the PPTH PR poster of Taub. Taub groans] House: The case of the 45-year-old doctor who just failed his pathology recertification exam and is going to lose his board certification and get fired. Foreman: How'd you fail it? You spend half your life in the lab. Taub: I was recovering from the flu. I'm retaking it next week. It's not an issue. House: Normally, I'd let Darwinism run its course. But Cuddy's in a big tizzy about her poster boy getting canned. So, how are we gonna get the short guy off the short bus? Masters: What about a tutor? Taub: I don't need a tutor. House: Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hard-ass. Taub: Foreman. House: Interesting. You must be more worried than you look. [Cut to House interrupting Wilson as he is finishing up with an elderly female patient in a clinic exam room] House: I need a consult, Dr. Wilson. Wilson: (handing the patient a prescription) So call me in a week if it still itches. Patient: Thank you. And be sure to give Sarah a kiss for me. Wilson: Will do. [Wilson leaves the exam room and joins House] House: Who's Sarah? Wilson: Her granddaughter, I think. Early stages of dementia. What's the consult? House: I need your medical opinion on what bar we're gonna ht for happy hour tonight to kick off the official end to your three-month pity party over Sam. [Wilson drops off the patient file at the main desk] Wilson: I can't tonight. House: Because of Sarah? Wilson: Yes, because of my senile patient's granddaughter. You caught me. I'm busy! (Wilson leaves) [House turns back to the clinic, and approaches Cuddy who is standing at the main desk] House: Who's Sarah? Wilson's friend. Cuddy: My computer crashed. Lost my database of his acquaintances. House: Or you're both lying to me. Cuddy: I know nothing about Wilson having a friend named Sarah. Satisfied? (she leaves) House: Nooo. [Cut to Foreman and Taub searching Nadia’s apartment] Foreman: (reading a prescription bottle label) What are the eight types of vomitus? Taub: I could show you four right now if you ask me one more review question. Foreman: Hey, you picked me. You said you wanted a hard-ass. Taub: No, House said that. I pretended to agree to get him off my back. I picked you because I wanted the guy who doesn't like getting involved in other people's problems. [Taub pauses to look at two framed jigsaw puzzles mounted on the wall of Nadia’s living room] Foreman: (looking in the refrigerator) Yes, I thought you'd want to skip the massive public humiliation of getting fired. Taub: (pausing by a full shelf of unfinished jigsaw puzzles) By treating me like I'm an imbecile? I'm totally fine. I aced my first pathology boards. Foreman: Medicine has come a long way in the last hundred years. [Foreman examines the contents of Nadia’s kitchen wastebasket] Taub: You know… I heard of a guy, who knew a guy, who could get the exam ahead of time. (Foreman looks at him) It was something I heard. Foreman: Patient's file said she lost some weight on a new diet, right? Taub: Yeah, she went vegan. Foreman: (holding up an empty box from the trash) Are laxatives vegan? [Cut to House searching the glove compartment of a car. His phone rings and he answers, putting it on speaker phone as he continues the search] House: Hello? Foreman: (calling from House’s office) Where are you? House: In the parking garage, searching Wilson's car. Taub: We have an answer. Magnesium poisoning. Foreman: We found a pretty large stash of laxatives. Abuse can lead to hypermagnesemia. [House is now outside Wilson’s car, looking in the trunk] House: I admit that's… impressively outside-the-box thinking. (spotting something in the trunk) Hmm. [House pulls a baggy of green plant material out of the trunk, opens it, and sniffs it] Foreman: House. You still there, House? [House takes a pinch of the substance and tastes it] Taub: Everything okay? House: No. For a second I thought Wilson might have a drug problem. Turns out it's much, much worse. Taub: Okay… Uh, so we push fluids and wait for her kidneys to clear the hypermagnesemia? [House pulls a medical kit, which includes syringes, out of Wilson’s trunk] House: You'll be waiting a long time since that's not what she has. Her BP and respiratory rate are normal. While you two were so busy being impressively outside the box, you missed the actual box. Chase and Masters done yet? [Cut to Nadia’s hospital room. Chase is cleaning and bandaging the cuts on Nadia’s legs while Masters takes a history] Nadia: Two light beers, November 16th. One really bad glass of Pinot on the 17th. Uh, nothing from the 18th. Masters: Shouldn't you be working for NASA or something? Nadia: You mean why am I just a waitress? Masters: No, I didn't mean… I'm sorry, I-I-I-I… Nadia: It's okay. Remembering something is not the same as understanding it. I'm not a genius. I love my job. I'm great at it. Keeps my mind busy. [House enters the room and tosses a plastic bag onto a hospital table before approaching Nadia] House: Hi. I'm Dr. House. You are not pooping. Question is, are you also a klutz? Nadia: Uh… I guess I'm no clumsier than most people. House: What are you guessing for? You've got a perfect memory. I was told there'd be numbers, dates, fireworks. Nadia: What do you want to know? House: Let's go back to 2008. How many trips, stumbles, falls did you have? Nadia: (seeing flashbacks in her mind) Eleven. House: This really works. Cool. How 'bout 2009? Nadia: Twelve. House: Even cooler. Last year? Nadia: Twenty. Chase: That's a big spike in discoordination. House: If you add the constipation, it's early onset Parkinson's. Give her a full neuro exam, and start her on levodopa. (House leaves) [Cut to Wilson entering his condo. House is leaning on the kitchen counter beside a cardboard box] Wilson: Oh, I'm so surprised you broke into my apartment without telling me. What is this? House: An intervention. (holding up the baggie he found in Wilson’s trunk) Exhibit A. A baggie filled with nepeta cataria, also known as… Wilson: (taking off his coat and looking at the box) That had better not be what I think it is. House: If you mean your new junkie girlfriend, then yes. [Wilson picks up the box, revealing a white Persian cat underneath. The cat meows] Wilson: House… Wilson: (picking up the cat) Okay, fine. I got a cat. Release the Kraken. House: I don't think you appreciate the severity of your situation. You are rapidly approaching an end-stage male spinsterism. [A beeper sounds and looking at an electronic device, which he pulls from his pocket, Wilson heads toward the refrigerator] House: That cat, that diabetic cat that you're shting up with Insulin and buying dime bags of catnip for, that means you've given up on ever finding anyone. Wilson: Don't you think you're completely overreacting? House: If I'm completely overreacting, why'd you lie to me? Wilson: Um, because I knew you would completely overreact. House: Its name's Sarah. Cats aren't named that, women are. What the Freud is that about? Wilson: Look, I didn't name her. My neighbor did. She died, and I felt bad. Sarah would have been destroyed at the shelter. [As House rants, Wilson has taken the insulin from the refrigerator and injected the cat with a dose] House: Aww, who would want a cat that croaks if you're not home twice a day to sht it up? It's like having your own button on Lost. (holding up a plastic bag) You know, I'm pretty sure that there is a river nearby. Wilson: I'm keeping her. [Cut to Nadia’s room. Masters has one hand on each of Nadia’s shoulders] Masters: Okay, shrug your shoulders and don't let me push them down. So I have to ask, uh… is there a trick you use? Mnemonics? Meditation? [Masters looks at Nadia’s eyes] Nadia: No, no tricks. I don't even try, really. It's just there. Is my memory gonna go away… with the Parkinson's? Foreman: It's quite possible. But we still have a lot of tests to do before we have a definitive diagnosis. Nadia: Well, here's hoping for cancer. [A woman holding flowers appears in the doorway] Elena: Nadia? Your boss called me. Sorry, um… I'm Elena, Nadia's older sister. Nadia: You don't have to be here. Elena: But I'd like to pretend you'd visit me if I were in a hospital. Nadia: You brought daisies. Elena: They're your favorite. Nadia: No, they're my least favorite. I was stung in the face six times by — (she stops) Oh, God. Elena: What's wrong? Nadia: My heart. Foreman: Fast, wide-complex rhythm. Get the paddles. [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House is playing cat’s cradle with a loop of string as the team discusses Nadia’s case] Chase: Cardiac involvement rules out Parkinson's. Foreman: We're back to transient paralysis and high CK, plus arrhythmia. House: Masters, when you finally blossom into a woman, would you ever sleep with a man who had a cat? Masters: Sure. House: Wrong, the answer is no. Slut. Any of you ever had a cat? (they all nod “no”) Any of you ever had sex? (they all nod “yes”) I think, as your people say, quod erat demonstrandum. Chase: An excess of catecholamine could set off an arrhythmia. Foreman: It's not a pheo. Her blood pressure's fine. Masters: Maybe we're missing the obvious. The heart could be behind everything. If it's not pumping effectively, the muscles shut down, CK elevates, coordination suffers. Why are you asking about cats? House: Curiosity. (tossing the string on the table) Can we focus here? Masters: Uh, her heart problems started when Nadia saw her sister. Stress-induced arrhythmia could be caused by long QT syndrome. Taub: Her sister was barely in the room five minutes. Masters: She said they'd been estranged for over six years. That's a lot of tension. House: Run a stress test to confirm long QT. Chase: It'll have to be drug-induced. Treadmill will pull her stitches. House: Drugs are never the answer. If we want her heart to go crazy, there's something simpler and safer. Use the sister. [Cut to House bursting into Cuddy’s office] House: You lied to me. Cuddy: (sitting at her desk) No. I said I didn't know anything about Wilson having a friend named Sarah. Under House rules, that is not a lie. He's lonely. That cat is a nice way for him to get some affection. House: That's not the kind of putty tat he needs to be getting it from. He needs a putty tat he can tap. Cuddy: Why is it so important to you? House: After divorce number two, he fell into a committed relationship with a three-legged Siamese. He stopped answering his phone, redecorated his place like Grey Gardens. He wasn't able to come back to humanity until a window was left suspiciously and heroically open. How that cat opened the window, I will never know. Cuddy: He just needs more time. Leave him and the cat alone. House: (as he leaves her office) I won't if you will. [Cut to Chase and Masters running the stress test on Nadia. They watch from a control room as Elena talks to her sister] Elena: Sorry about the daisies. I always get it confused if you love or hate them. Nadia: Do you want to know exactly how many times told you that I hate them? Elena: I didn't do it on purpose. Chase: Her heart rate isn't moving. The sister stress pot needs stirring. Masters: You want me to start a fight? No. Chase: Just agitate a little. Use something from the history. You're not lying to them. In fact, you'd be telling the truth, and serving their medical needs. [Masters sighs and goes into the room with Nadia and Elena] Masters: You haven't seen each other in a while, huh? (to Elena) I heard the story about the time you ht Nadia with the car. It must have been pretty scary. Elena: Why would you tell them that? Nadia: They asked about broken bones. Elena: I swear that I checked my mirror. Nadia: You know that's a lie. You knew I was getting the mail, and you just didn't care enough to check! Just like you didn't care that you ruined my 23rd birthday! Elena: Nadia, don't start! Nadia: You started by coming here, acting like you give a crap. Elena: Here we go again! I'm such a monster because I brought daisies. [The monitoring equipment starts beeping. Masters looks at Chase who looks up in confirmation] Masters: (to Elena) You-you need to leave right now. Elena: Well is she gonna be ok? Nadia: Elena, get out! [Elena leaves. Chase gives Masters a hearty thumbs-up as she prepares to treat Nadia’s arythmia] [Cut to Taub entering his hotel room. Foreman is waiting for him] Foreman: You said you'd be ten minutes. Taub: I couldn't decide on the cheese. Foreman: When are you getting an apartment? Or at least a storage room? Taub: (putting something into the microwave) I'll get to it. I like it here. They have video on demand. Foreman: I pulled a practice test. Taub: I hate practice tests. Hey, I never saw The Usual Suspects. You wanna check it out before we start? Foreman: What are you doing? You've got three days. Taub: Why is everyone's first assumption I'm gonna fail this stupid test? Foreman: Maybe, because you did. Taub: I was recovering from the flu. Foreman: I don't care if you were dying from ebola. You shouldn't have gotten less than a 70. You're nothing but excuses and distractions. Taub: Well it's a nice match with your condescension and superiority. Foreman: Enjoy the movie. Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze. (he gathers up the test materials an leaves) [Cut to Elena sitting outside Nadia’s room. Masters approaches] Elena: How is she? Masters: We started her on a beta blocker. It should keep her heart rhythm under control. She'll be fine while we run more tests. Elena: Did you hear that she banned me from her room? I know I'm not perfect, but she's… Oh, she can be such a bitch. She never ever, ever lets anything go. Look, tell Nadia she doesn't need to worry about seeing me again. [Elena gathers her things and prepares to leave] Masters: (stopping her) I started the fight. We needed her heart rate to rise, so I provoked you. Elena: You can't play with people like that. Masters: Maybe if I explain to Nadia— Elena: No, it doesn't matter! It's just one more fight for her to remember. Guess you're both bitches. [Elena walks away leaving Masters standing in the hallway. Chase comes out of Nadia’s room] Chase: Masters. [Masters follows Chase into the room] Chase: Smell her breath. (Masters leans in close to Nadia) (to Nadia) Breathe out. [Nadia exhales] Masters: Ammonia. Nadia: What is it? Masters: I think your kidneys are shutting down. [Cut to the diagnostics conference room, where the team, minus House, is running a new differential] Taub: Failing kidneys puts the heart back on the list as a symptom. Chase: Maybe she went vegan because she lost the taste for protein. It could be Amyloidosis. [House enters and hangs his cane on the coat rack. He is carrying a stack of papers] Masters: We would have seen a stiff heart on the nuclear study. But autoimmune could account for multiple organ systems and paralysis. [House starts flipping the papers, one page at a time, onto the table in front of Foreman] Taub: There are a number that'd fit. Guillain-Barre, polymyositis… Foreman: MS, polyarteritis nodosa— Masters: SLE. Foreman: (to House) Why are you giving me these? House: Because, while they're off running all these tests, you will be submitting the insurance forms. Foreman: There's an entire department for that. House: Exactly. The Foreman department. Of which you are the foreman, Foreman. I know you got the time. A little Wallaby told me that you recently vacated your post as Taub's savior. Chase: He asked. Taub: You're worse than Masters. Masters: How's this my fault? Foreman: He doesn't need a tutor. He needs Ritalin and a babysitter. House: Consider the forms incentive. Taub doesn't pass, he'll become a permanent part of your life. [House picks up his cane and goes to the head of the table] Taub: This isn't really about Cuddy, is it? It's about you. You don't want to lose me. I think you care. House: Don't think you can disgust me into pulling Foreman off you. Pulse the patient with steroids for the autoimmune. Start her on dialysis for the kidney failure. Treat the Taub with insults and small slaps for the obstinacy, and start him on studying for the brain failure. (House gets up and goes into his office) [Cut to Wilson at his condo. He is on the phone and holding the Sarah as he prepares to give her a sht of insulin] Wilson: No, that's not gonna work. I have a haircut at 4 o'clock. I'll be in the offi—(he sneezes) I'll be in the office in about 20 minutes. (he sneezes again) Yeah, okay. [Wilson puts down the phone and then looks down at Sarah] [Cut to House sitting behind his desk. Wilson walks in] Wilson: (pointing at House) You planted something in my apartment to make me think I'm allergic to Sarah. House: (removing his glasses) Paranoia is the first sign of toxoplasma gondii, the parasite linked to crazy cat lady disease. Wilson: I'm not paranoid. I'm allergic to ragweed and dandelion. I'm not allergic to cats. You're trying to gaslight me. House: Maybe your subconscious is afraid that you're gonna die alone. And it just comes out as gibberish and sneezing. Prove that I'm overreacting. Boys' night out. Good Time Charlie's. They just changed their slogan to, "where the trashiest ladies get trashed." Wilson: You do see the hypocrisy in all this, don't you? Until recently, your lifestyle of choice was self-exile. House: But I never had a cat. Why don't you pick me up at 8:00? (Wilson leaves) [Cut to Nadia’s room, where Chase is hooking her up to the dialysis machine] Chase: You're gonna need another round of steroids. In the meantime, I'll start your dialysis. So I heard Elena might be coming back. [Nadia puts the cup she has been drinking from down on the bed table, very carefully turning it so that the seam of the cup faces away from her] Nadia: You think I was… too hard on her? Chase: Well, we all hold our grudges. Nadia: It's not a grudge. It's common sense. It's simple math. She's hurt me more than she's helped me. Most people edit their memories. They add small, little lies so they don't have to face the truth. My memories remain the same. My truth never changes, because… my truth is the truth. Chase: So no one ever gets forgiven? Sounds like a lonely way to live. Nadia: No, I-I do forgive. As long as the good things they do… outweigh— (she pauses) I can't-I can't breathe. [Chase turns off the machine and reaches for some medicine to help Nadia breath] [Cut to Foreman and Taub entering Foreman’s apartment. Taub has a suitcase] Taub: Huh. Foreman: What? Taub: Nothing, I just… always pictured your place with shag carpet. Like kind of a… Mod Squad vibe. Not because of the black thing. I always thought you were more of… Foreman: You're limited to this room and Marcus's old room. Taub: Where's Marcus? Foreman: He tells me he's working with our Uncle in Florida. Taub: He tells you? Foreman: You don't look at or touch anything that doesn't belong to you, including food. You will study and you will sleep. And you will not leave my sight until the exam. Taub: Great, I'll be back bright and early tomorrow, and— Foreman: This is no longer just about your future. It's about mine too. You fail, and I will kll you. [Cut back to Nadia’s room. Masters and House have joined Chase] Chase: Respiratory distress means we were wrong about autoimmune. Masters: Could be pulmonary edema from renal failure. [House pulls aside Nadia’s gown to reveal a rash on her legs] House: Pulmonary edema doesn't give you hives. Chase: You think this is an allergic reaction? It can't be. We pumped her full of steroids. [House picks up a dialysis filter sitting by the machine] House: It can be. If it was a really, really bad one. [He opens the filter packaging and, taking the filter out of the container, rubs it along Nadia’s forearm. A rash instantly appears on her skin] House: I have good news and bad news. The good news is I was right about you having some autoimmune disease. You're just allergic to the dialysis. Nadia: But if I can't have dialysis and my kidneys are failing, won't that mean I'll die? House: Well, you figured out the bad news. [Cut to Chase, Masters, and House walking down a hospital corridor. Chase and Masters are in front talking. House is trailing behind] Masters: What do we do? Chase: We look for another case. Even if you're right about autoimmune, we now don't have time to prove it. The transplant board will never give her a kidney. Masters: Maybe we could go around them, get a relative to donate. Chase: Which relative? The sister who walked away and told you she was never coming back? Masters: We caused this, you know. They were estranged, but we made it worse. Chase: That relationship was broken long before we got there. Nadia literally keeps score. She tallies everything. (They stop and Chase turns to include House in the conversation) She decided Elena's done more bad things to her than good, doesn't deserve her affection. House: I'm sure she's right. Unlike everybody else in the world, her memory seems to let her keep a pure and objective view of people in relationships. There's no petty emotions or agendas fogging the windshield. Why is that so wrong? Masters: 'Cause it's making her die alone of kidney failure in room 205? House: Not necessarily. Nadia's sister's not like her. I'm sure she's got plenty of subjective emotions we can exploit. Why don't you go channel your guilt, see if you can get her to cough up a kidney? Masters: Me? I'm not good at that type of thing. Someone else should go. House: Someone else didn't screw this up. Masters: I didn't! House: You were just obeying orders. Right? Go fix this. Masters: Wha— (House leaves) [Cut to Masters talking to Elena in her home] Masters: I didn't mean to make you hate her. And… now that her kidneys have failed, I-I've always been a book and equations person. People are problematic, and… random and messy. Um, and with sisters… I mean, I had a cousin who I was close to, and when our menstrual cycles synced, it was like gladiator school— Elena: Do you want me to donate a kidney to my sister? Masters: Yes. Elena: Okay. Masters: Really? It might not fix your relationship. Uh, probably shouldn't have said that. [Cut to Taub and Foreman playing a video game at Foreman’s apartment] Foreman: Your left, on your left. Taub: Stop whining already. I was getting a snper. Foreman: Five minutes left in the break. Taub: But the next level's just past the cooling tnk. Foreman: That was the deal. We take this break, you do a practice test. [There is a long pause as they continue to play the game] Taub: I-I didn't have the flu. I just… choked. [Foreman stops the video game and puts down his controller] Foreman: You make life and death decisions every day. You work for House. You're under constant pressure, and you never choke. Taub: I got a perfect score on my first pathology boards. I kept thinking, whatever my score is now, it's going to be a measure of the distance between me and the man I used to be. Foreman: You gotta stop psyching yourself out. Taub: Well, the last test was before I lost my wife and my home, so I'm sure the next one will go much better. [They resume the video game] Foreman: Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, and I can't sleep for hours, 'cause I'm worried I got the diagnosis wrong. These things work out. [Cut to Chase opening Nadia’s hospital room door] Chase: We found a donor. It's your sister. Just thought you should know. (He closes the door and leaves) [Cut to the OR, where surgeons are taking a kidney from Elena and transplanting it into Nadia] [Cut to post-op. Chase is trying to rouse Nadia] Chase: Nadia, can you hear me? You're coming out of your anesthesia. You're gonna feel a bit groggy. You did great. Everything's looking good. Nadia, come on now, open your eyes. [Nadia seizes] Chase: (to a nurse) Three milligrams of lorazepam, and I'm going to need suction. [Cut to House, Chase, and Masters entering the diagnostics conference room] Chase: Seizures mean the steroids aren't working. Masters: And we got the tests back. We were wrong. It's not autoimmune. Chase: Could be acute porphyria. Masters: No abdominal pain. House: Did the patient thank her sister? Chase: No. Not yet, at least. House: See if she will. Masters: What are you trying to find out? House: If she's telling the truth. She claims she objectively sees reality. Weighing the good and bad in people. If that's true, I don't care how many times her sister borrowed her scrunchie without asking, a free kidney ought to trump all the bad stuff. Masters: And if it doesn't? House: That means she sucks like the rest of us. Chase: We haven't considered her blood. Clots could ht her leg, heart, kidney, and brain. House: Factor 5 leiden. Easiest to treat if we're right. Start her on heparin. And ask for the thank you. (Chase nods and he and Masters leave) [Cut to Foreman and Taub still at Foreman’s apartment. Taub has just completed a practice test] Taub: How'd I do? Foreman: Great. Taub: Great? How great? How many did I miss? Foreman: It's not about the numbers. (Taub grabs the results) Don't… Taub: (angrily) 54%? Foreman: Th-they make the practice tests harder than the actual exam. Taub: Oh, my God, now I'm choking in your living room. This isn't gonna work. [Taub pulls out his phone] Foreman: Who are you calling? Taub: I found the guy. He can sell me a copy of the test. (Foreman grabs the phone from Taub) I know it's cheating, and I suck as a person. But… the test is tomorrow morning. Foreman: It's not about the cheating. It's about your confidence. You steal that test, and you'll never get it back. Taub: I can't handle failing at one more thing in my life. Foreman: You're a good doctor. I've seen what you're capable of. You're fast, you're decisive, and you're bold. And those are not the qualities of someone who needs to steal a test. There's nothing on it that you don't already know. You just need to know that you know it. Taub: Keep talking. Foreman: We need you on the team. So we're gonna sit here and take another practice test and we're gonna keep taking them until you've kicked its ass! You can do this! You feel me? Taub: Yeah. [Cut to a closeup of Foreman. Behind him, in what is clearly not a good neighborhood, Taub exchanges an envelope of cash for the test. Taub looks into the test envelope as he walks back to where Foreman is standing] Taub: I feel like we just buried a hooker in the desert. Foreman: There'll definitely be another time to rise up and turn things around. You'll come back from it. Taub: Next time. (They get into the car) [Cut to Chase changing Nadia’s IV bag] Chase: How are you feeling? Nadia: N-not any better. Chase: It'll take some time for the clots to resolve. Your sister's recovering well. If you're really adding up the good and bad… Nadia: Can I see her? [Cut to Good Time Charlies nightclub. House is labeling each female who walks by] House: Too fat. Too thin. Too desperate. Not desperate enough. (to Wilson) Come on, you can insult them too. Wilson: I'd rather not. House: If you objectify them now, you'll feel more comfortable when you… tie them to a table in your basement later. Or whatever. Wilson: Okay. (trying to participate) Um… Too armpit fatty. [The woman Wilson is judging walks past another woman whom House spots immediately] House: Whoa! Too hot. Wilson: I actually know her. She's the new barista at my coffee shop. She's getting her Masters in finance. House: Brains and boobs. The mother lode. Wilson: Total moron as a barista, though. Every drink I order ends up with whipped cream on it. Even when I say no whip. House: Girlfriend, that means she's into you. Wilson: Okay. [Wilson approaches the woman and starts a conversation as House improvises a running commentary of what he imagines Wilson is saying to her] House: Hi, there. Wilson, James Wilson. I'm a doctor. I'm hoping that's enough to close, because I'm also a social moron. And I have a cat. [Wilson says something to the woman and they get up to leave, walking past House on the way. Wilson stops to speak briefly to House] Wilson: She said my coffee is not the only thing she'd like to put whipped cream on. House: Yeah, but is she interested? [Wilson opens the door for the woman. House surveys the crowd and then calls out to the bartender] House: Bartender! Champagne for everyone! [The crowd cheers and heads toward the bar. House grins and leaves the nightclub] [Cut to Chase wheeling Nadia into Elena’s hospital room] Elena: Hi. Nadia: Hi. Thank you. For saving my life. Elena: I love you, you know. Nadia: I was thinking about those times we went up to Spofford Lake in the summer. Whenever we took out the canoe, you'd tie up my life vest for me. In the afternoon, sneak me into the lodge so we could steal popsicles. Elena: Maybe we could go back. I could drive us up there. We could get a cabin and — And maybe rent a canoe. Oh, wow, I haven't… thought of Spofford in… [As Elena talks, Nadia is remembering the time Elena ht her while backing up the car. She closes her eyes and lowers her head] Elena: Nadia… are you okay? Nadia: (unable to keep up the pretense) Elena, I'm sorry! I can't do this! [Chase takes the wheelchair and pushes Nadia out of the room] Nadia: (out in the hallway) Can you stop? Just stop pushing me for a minute. Chase: I understand now why you stuck yourself in that diner, away from friends, away from family. You can't forgive anyone. I don't think you weigh anything. I think you're like a lot of people. You focus on the bad memories instead of the good. Nadia: I don't have a choice. [Chase notices that Nadia’s left hand is rotating rather erratically] Chase: Nadia, put your hand in your lap for a moment. Nadia: (looking down at her hand (I'm not doing that. Chase: I know. It's an involuntary movement called choreia. Nadia: What does it mean? Chase: It means, we still don't know what's wrong with you. [Cut to Cuddy’s bedroom. House is lying backwards on the bed, bouncing a rubber ball against the wall. Cuddy comes up behind him, wrapped in a towel, still wet from her shower, and dripping water onto his face. He stops bouncing the ball, which she takes from him] Cuddy: Thank you. [House wipes the water from his eyes. Cuddy walks around and settles onto the bed facing House] House: Do you know if that… O.R. nurse that Wilson liked ever broke up with her boyfriend? Cuddy: I thought your Wilson fetish was over. House: I'm putting together a second string in case things don't go well with the well-breasted barista. Cuddy: You've gotta let that guy alone. House: He's not supposed to be alone. Cuddy: Is that what this is about? You feel guilty because Wilson's the one that's alone and not you? You still don't think you deserve this. House: Have you met me? Cuddy: Your happiness doesn't take his away. It's okay to enjoy it. [House’s phone rings. Cuddy takes it off the nightstand and hands it to him] House: (answering the phone) Yeah. [Chase, Foreman, and Masters are gathered in the diagnostics conference room all talking to House on the phone] Foreman: Choreia. Rules out the clotting disorder. Means we're back to square one. Masters: If it's h*t her brain, that could mean she doesn't have long. House: So then the question becomes, will the sister show up at the funeral? Chase: She tried to reconcile, but the bad memories crowded out the good, and she ran. House: Nobody's perfect. What else? (None of them answer) Come on, the woman has all the information we need. She's a bottomless diagnostic library. Masters: Maybe we're missing something from the apartment. Some lifestyle thing. Foreman: Yeah, it's all muscle strain from doing her hundreds of Jigsaw puzzles. We should do another MRI. A brain hemorrhage would— House: Hey. How many puzzles? Foreman: Okay, I was exaggerating. Dozens. House: Do a peripheral blood smear. Look for acanthocytes. I'll be right in. [Cut to House peaking into Nadia’s room] House: Remember me? Just kidding. (He and Chase enter the room) So… jigsaw puzzles. Nadia: Um, I find them calming. House: You ever left one unfinished? [Chase puts Nadia’s file down on the bed table, rotating her drinking cup a few inches. She reaches up and repositions the cup] Nadia: No, that would drive me crazy. House: Speaking of… [House reaches out and rotates the cup. Nadia again repositions it. He rotates it again and she gets upset] Nadia: Why are you doing that? House: More important question is, why are you? [She again repositions the cup] Nadia: It's just a habit. House: It's a habit that compels you in an obsessive way, that's so bad, it's a disorder. Nadia: I don't have OCD. Chase: Each brain with OCD has its own way of filtering it. Some people wash their hands and hoard TV Guides. You do puzzles and hoard memories. House: So what we thought was a gift… is just you literally obsessing over your own life. Nadia: That's why I can't stop the memories, even when I try. But everything else? My kidneys? House: Memory was just a symptom of a symptom of a larger disease. You have McLeod syndrome. It's a rare genetic disorder that affects the nervous system, the blood. And can cause… (He reaches for her cup again, but she stops him before he can move it) OCD. Nadia: Am I gonna die? Chase: It can't be cured. But your various symptoms can be managed with medication. Best-case scenario, you can live another 20 years. House: If it's any solace, everybody dies alone. (Nadia glares at him) It probably isn't. [Cut to Foreman’s apartment. Taub is packing his briefcase as Foreman enters] Foreman: How'd it go? Taub: Well, it's hard to choke when you have all the answers. Foreman: Look at it this way. It's better to suck at taking one test than to suck at saving people's lives. {Foreman notices that his small TV has been replaced with a much larger one] Foreman: Wow. Taub: Uh, Rachel thought it was too big, and I can't keep it in my hotel room. Foreman: You're giving it to me? Taub: I couldn't stand the thought of you having company over with that other TV. It's embarrassing. Foreman: Thanks. Taub: Thank you. [Taub picks up his briefcase and his suitcase, and prepares to leave] Foreman: (stopping him) Hey, look, um… I have the room. You could stay, if you wanted to. Just until you find your new place. Who else am I gonna play Savageskate with? Taub: We could do that online from separate houses. Foreman: Will you shut up? Taub: Okay. (He puts his luggage down, prepared to stay) [Cut to Nadia’s room. She is out of bed and sitting in a chair. Chase enters] Chase: How you feeling? Nadia: Much better. Chase: I don't believe what House said. I'm not sure even House believes it anymore. (He sits down on the bed) You said you didn't have a choice to be the way you are. Now you do. (pulling a pill bottle from his pocket) These are SSRIs. They've been effective in treating OCD. Nadia: You mean lose my memory? Chase: Not lose it entirely. It'll just become more like anyone else's. Nadia: My memory… is the only thing, that has ever, made me special. Chase: Maybe so. But if you want to be special… you're gonna have to be alone. [Chase puts the bottle of pills on the table and leaves] [Cut to Wilson entering his condo. As he walks into the living room he is startled by a white mouse on the floor] Wilson: Ohh! [He runs toward the kitchen, tosses his briefcase on the dining table, and grabbing up a frying pan, moves slowly back into the living room. The mouse startles him again as it runs across the rug] Wilson: Ohh! [House, carrying Sarah, appears behind him] House: Hey. Wilson: (startled yet again) Aah! House: Those are for Sarah. Wilson: (relaxing) Are they poisoned? House: Poi— you and your paranoia. Now, if you'll excuse me… [House puts Sarah down on the counter, then reaches down and pulls a plant out of the floor register] House: I really should find a better place to store my ragweed. [House pops open the kitchen trash can and tosses in the ragweed] Wilson: It's a very nice gesture, but it's still in the apartment. [House takes the ragweed out of the trash can and limps over to the window. He opens the window and throws the ragweed out into the night. He turns as sees Sarah standing at the edge of the counter. He gestures to the cat, trying to get her to jump out the window. Sarah ignores him. House shuts the window and Sarah jumps to the floor] House: So… I wanna hear all the dirty, dairy-specific details of your night with java the slut. Wilson: All right. First of all, all real. Second… a true connoisseur of the dark arts of… (He stops lying) I flaked. I walked her to her car and said good night. I will get back into it, I — you just need to give me a little more time. House: I'll give you ten days. Wilson: Fine. [Sarah squalls. Wilson and House turn to see her devouring one of the mice. They both grimace] House: Ooh! [The song How to Fight Loneliness by Wilco plays through a final montage] [Elena, alone in her bed at PPTH] ♪♫ how to fight loneliness ♪♫ [Nadia, staring at the bottle of antidepressants that Chase gave her] ♪♫ smile all the time ♪♫ ♪♫ shine your teeth till meaningless ♪♫ [Nadia takes a pill from the bottle and swallows it} ♪♫ and sharpen them with lies ♪♫ [Taub hurrying into Foreman’s living room from the kitchen with two beers. He hands one to Foreman, sits on the couch next to him, and picking up his game controller, they resume their game] ♪♫ and whatever's going down ♪♫ [Wilson lying on his couch, stroking Sarah as she lies on his chest] ♪♫ will follow you around ♪♫ [House and Cuddy in her bed. She rolls over in her sleep to snuggle up to House, who is still awake] ♪♫ thats's how you fight loneliness ♪♫ ♪♫ you laugh at every joke ♪♫ [House strokes her arm and finally closes his eyes] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x12 - You Must Remember This"}	foreverdreaming
[At Brye Park Elementary School, children are playing in the schoolyard. One boy, Zach, gets a note from one of his friends. The class bell rings. A girl, Colleen, is waiting behind the school. As she gets up to leave, Zach joins her. We notice that she has a black eye.] Zack : Hey. Colleen : Hey. Zack : So, uh, what did you want? Colleen (embarrassed) : It's too late now. Zack : Too late for what? Colleen : I'll tell you later. Zack : Come on, the bell just rang. We still got time. Colleen : I'm ready. Zack (surprised) : Uh, you sure? Colleen : Yeah. Zack : Why now, all of a sudden? Colleen : What, you don't want to anymore? Zack : Yeah, I do. I'm just wondering what changed your mind. Colleen (smiles) : You did. [They shift around, awkwardly, for a moment.] Zack: Now? Colleen : If you want. [They hesitate, get closer to kiss… but are interrupted by a voice. Ms. Washburn, the administrator, witnessed the scene.] Ms. Washburn : Excuse me. You two need to come with me. [Inside the school, Ms. Washburn takes Colleen and Zach to the principal’s office.] Ms. Washburn : Take a seat. Colleen : But we didn't— Ms. Washburn : You know you're not supposed to be back there. Zack : We weren't doing anything. Ms. Washburn: That's not what it looked like to me. Principal Fields will be back as soon as the assembly is over. Colleen : Ms. Washburn, please, if I get one more referral, my mom— Ms. Washburn : Bench. [She points at the bench behind them. The two students turn around and are surprised to find it already occupied… by House.] House : Who put sand in her vagina? [Opening credits] THREE DAYS EARLIER [House and Foreman are standing in front of a door to a students’ dorm room. Foreman knocks, a young man opens and lets them in.] House : Hey, kids. How you boys doing? [Another boy is lying on the couch and a third one is sitting at a table, studying. They are all surprised by this visit. Foreman sets to searching the place while House, wearing a long black trench coat, gets something out of his backpack.] Boy 1 (at the table) : Uh, can we help you? House : I certainly hope so. [Holding a laptop.] You know what this is? Boy 1 : A laptop? House : [Putting the laptop in front of the young man at the table.] Password-protected laptop that I need you nerds to hack into. Foreman : [Standing in the kitchen area.] No insecticides or toxic cleaners. House : Check the bathroom. Boy 1 : Who are you? House : Your roommate's doctor. You remember your roommate, don't you? Boy 2 (on the couch) : I thought he just had bronchitis. House : That's what the morons at the Rutgers Student Medical Center thought, which may be part of the reason he just coughed up a lung. Boy 1 : What do you mean, he coughed up a lung? House : He coughed… after which the respiratory organ which resided in his chest resided in his mouth… Actually, his hand. Well, his mouth, then his hand. Foreman : Bathroom's clean. House : [Pointing at the boy’s soft drink cup.] What's in this? Boy 1 : Just soda. House : Mind if I have some? [House picks it up. He is wearing a shiny gold watch on his left wrist.] Boy 1 : You want my drink? House : You got a problem with that? [He takes a sip.] Boy 2 : Uh, yeah. Actually, I do. You barge into our room, start looking through our personal, private stuff, demand I hack into a computer I think I can safely assume doesn't belong— [House pulls out a gn from his coat and sht the boy on the couch.] House : Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? Please continue. You were talking about personal privacy. [The boy at the table is obviously scared speechless.] What, you're finished? Well, allow me to retort. [House aims the gn right at him…] TWO HOURS EARLIER [Cut to a classroom at Brye Park. It’s Career Day and students are listening to House. He is holding his cane like a gn.] Ms. Corwin (the teacher) : Wait a second. You're saying this actually happened? House : Absolutely. Timmy (one of the students) : You're lying. House : Interesting theory. Can you prove it? Timmy : Doctors don't carry gn. They don't sh*t people, and they definitely don't search patients' homes. Plus, I've seen Pulp Fiction — the movie you're totally ripping off. House : Huh. [Back to the bench outside the principal’s office. Zach and Colleen are sitting on one side, House on the other.] Zack : Wait, uh, was it Timmy Morgan? House : I have no idea. Zack : It had to be him. He's, like, totally obsessed with old movies. House (offended) : Pulp Fiction is not an old mov— What? Colleen : So you're here to talk to the principal about something Timmy did? House : I got no problem with Timmy. And even if I did, I ain't no snitch. Zack : Then why are you here? House : To dig myself out of a hole. Instead I dug a bigger one. Zack : What'd you do? House : What'd you do? Zack : What'd you do? House : What happened to your eye? Zack : It's none of your business. [Colleen tries to hide it but House turns her face to take a better look at the eye.] House : Actually, it's none of yours. I'm a doctor. It's a few days old, so that's not why you're here, unless you two got busted for some sort of revenge plot. But then you'd look angry instead of… ashamed. Colleen : I'm not ashamed. House : Interesting. You defensively insist that you're not ashamed, which, of course, means you are ashamed. And yet, you're the victim. Zack : You want to know how she got the black eye? Tell us why you're here first. House : Anyone ever tell you you're annoying? Zack : No. Colleen (laughing) : Yes, all the time. But he's right. You want to know? You first. [Back in the classroom.] House : I didn't kll anybody. I have to be here, so I figured I'd punch up the stakes in the first act. But we did, and almost always do, search the patient's home. And if we tell them first, then they can hide something that we need to know in order to figure out what's wrong with them. Sophie : Why would they hide something that could be klling them? House : Because they are morons. They're all morons, and everybody lies. Gabe : Wait, if everybody lies, then that means you're lying right now. House : I didn't say everybody always lies… Aristotle. And on that note, unless there are any questions… Good. [House is on his way out but Ms. Corwin, the teacher, calls him back.] Corwin : Oh, Dr. Hourani… before you finish, maybe you could describe what you actually do. You know, like if someone comes in for a routine physical? House : You want routine? Corwin : Please. [Cut to the exam room at the clinic. House is checking out a blonde woman in stirrups.] Woman : It just feels kind of, like, numb. House : You do a lot of bicycle riding? Woman : No. House : How long have you been married? Woman : It's 12 years next month. House : [Reading her chart.] You have six kids. Woman : Mm-hmm. Well, you don't think it could have anything to do with that, do you? House : Probably. How often do you use your vibrator? Woman : Excuse me? House : Your battery-operated Brad Pitt. After giving the gift of life to six eight-pound, four-ounce wrecking balls, I think I can safely assume it's an industrial-strength model? [Back to the classroom.] Corwin (slightly shocked) : Dr. Hourani, please. House : You wanted routine. Am I done? Corwin : Maybe we should just move on. House : No problem. [He starts to leave again.] Corwin : I meant with your typical day. I assume you see more than one patient? House : Nope. Corwin : Okay. Then I guess we will move on to our next guest. [House heads for the back of the room to sit down with the other speakers, but is stopped before he does so.] Gabe : Wait, if you only see one patient, what do you do the rest of the day? Corwin : Dr. Hourani? [House walks back to the front of the room and… Cut to the clinic where Cuddy enters and joins House by the central desk.] House : Just in time for lunch. Cuddy (looking at files) : By lunch, you mean a conference call with the board, and by just in time, you mean, 20 minutes late. House : I meant sex… Fine. Lunch. How about we start with a small tossed salad? Cuddy : As of this morning, I'm on a diet. [She leaves him and heads for her office. House follow her.] House : Meaning? Cuddy (sitting behind her desk) : I told you, I'm busy. House : No, you told me you were supposed to be busy 20 minutes ago. But you were obviously able to put them off then, there's no reason you can't put them off now. Cuddy : How about, "I wanted to then, and now I don't"? [She picks up the phone but House puts his finger on the receiver so that she won’t get a signal.] Cuddy : Get your finger off my phone. House : We obviously have something we need to discuss. Cuddy : Now is not a good time. House : If you're mad because you don't feel you're getting the necessary amount of “affection,” all you have to do is ask. Cuddy (getting pissed) : Seriously, not now. House : If memory serves, I enjoyed a healthy Sunday brunch. So your insinuation— [Cuddy slams the phone down on House’s finger.] House : Ow! What is your problem? Cuddy (mad) : You! You are my problem. You are the most selfish, self-centered son of a bitch on the face of the planet. And I'm sick of it. I'm just… done. I can't deal with you anymore. [Back to the classroom. Everyone is quiet.] House : So that's what a typical doctor does on a typical day. Any questions? Alex : What's a vibrator? [Cut to the lobby outside the principal’s office.] Colleen : Why was your girlfriend so mad? House : It doesn't matter. Colleen : Well, obviously it matters. I mean, if she's your girlfriend, you should care how she feels. House : I mean, it doesn't matter to the story. Colleen : It's the most important part of the story. It's the only thing that does matter. You don't kiss her enough — is that the problem? House : Absolutely not. Colleen : Which, by your definition, means it is. House : We kiss plenty. Your turn. Colleen : Then what's the problem? House : Your turn. Colleen : What's the problem? House : [To the receptionist, sitting at a desk nearby.] Excuse me. When exactly will the commandant be back? Receptionist : Shouldn't be much longer, sir. Zack : Well? [House looks at both of them but doesn’t answer.] Colleen : Oh, so now you're not gonna talk. That's real mature. Zack : All right, fine. We got busted for kissing behind the school. Now you know why we're here. So tell us why you're here. House : The deal was about the black eye. Colleen : And we didn't kiss. House : So you were just making him beg, huh? I didn't have you pegged as a tease. Colleen : I'm not a tease. House : The available evidence suggests otherwise. Colleen : I'm not a tease. House : Prove it… By–by telling me your story. [Cut to the schoolyard. Zach is playing basketball with his friends. Colleen approaches him, furious.] Colleen : You're a pathetic loser, jerk! And I wouldn't kiss you if I had brain cancer and your lips were the cure! [Colleen turns around and leaves Zach, surprised and speechless.] [Back to the bench.] House : She actually said that? Zack : Well, yeah, that was, like, two days ago. Colleen : It doesn't matter. I clearly didn't lead him along or anything like that, which proves I'm not a tease. So why is your girlfriend mad at you? House : I'm getting a kind of bossy vibe. I take it you're into that. Colleen : Don't answer! Your turn. [Cut to a hospital room. Masters, Foreman, Chase and Taub come in to question Phillip, their new patient. He is coughing and seems to have trouble breathing.] Masters : What seems to be the problem, sir? Phillip : I'm having more difficulty breathing and some pain in my chest. [Foreman and Taub clearly don’t listen but are paying much more attention to the nurse in the room.] Chase : You're new, aren't you? Nurse : Uh, yeah, I just moved from Chicago. Taub : Chicago's awesome. What part are you from? [The patient coughs blood.] Masters : We need to get a chest C.T. Foreman : Excuse me, I'm the senior team member, which means we don't need anything unless I say we need it. [Masters and Foreman are very professional; Taub and Chase still don’t care as the patient keeps coughing.] Taub : [To the nurse] Do you want to have an affair? Chase : You want to have a threesome? Masters : You can't talk to her like that. I'm telling Cuddy. [Masters rushes out of the room.] Foreman : We need a chest C.T. Taub and Chase : Get it yourself. [Back to the classroom.] Sophie : Isn't that, like, sexual harassment? House : Not if you're good-looking. Female Lawyer (one of the parents waiting her turn to talk) : Excuse me? Gabe : You said the one guy was short with a big nose. House : Guess that's not the only thing that's big. Alex : What does that mean? Gabe : It means he's lying… again. House : [Gets closer to one of the boys’ face and screams.] Because you can't handle the truth! Timmy : That's so easy. A Few Good Men. Corwin : Okay, I give up. I think we should move on to our next guest. Mr. Dryden… uh, works for one of the largest advertising agencies in New York City. [A father, who looks like a Mad Men extra, gets up and walks toward the front of the room while House takes a seat.] Kids : Boring! Boring! Sophie : [Turning around, to House.] Can we at least hear what happened to the patient? Kids : [All begging] Yeah! Please… Corwin : If Dr. Hourani promises to— House : Patient's dad. Floor is yours, Don. Dryden : Dave. Timmy : He's not dad. You said earlier he was still in the hospital. Sophie : What's wrong with him? House : He's got a cough. Gabe : You said he coughed up a lung. Alex : What about the laptop? Sophie : Who cares about the laptop? Gabe : Yeah, and he already said he was lying about that, you moron. Corwin : Gabe… we do not use that word here. Gabe : He did. House : Yeah, and I was talking about people like you. Kids : Ooh. Corwin : Dr. Hourani, please, could you just finish, quickly, so we can move on? [House gets up and walks back to the front of the class.] [Cut to the patient’s room. The team rushes in, monitors are beeping as the nurse Is taking care of Phillip, who is coughing harder.] Nurse : I don't know what's wrong. He was sab for a while, and then all of a sudden, he just— Masters : Bronchial infection must be from a drug-resistant strain. Chase : O-2 sats are plummeting. Taub : We need to get him on a bronchodilator before he goes into respiratory arrest. Foreman : Suction, sit him up. Chase : Start blow by oxygen. [Phillip gags, coughs and starts to throw up something into his hands.] Masters (horrified) : What is that? Chase : I think it's his… It's his lung. [Back to the classroom.] Gabe : That actually happened? House : Yes, it really happened. I take cases that other doctors fail to diagnose, which is why I only take one at a time. My current patient is a college student. He's actually in the hospital right now. And, yes, he really did cough up a large portion of dad lung tissue. Sophie : How's that even possible? House (like he’s telling the punch line to a bad, dirty joke) : That's what she said. [He waits for a reaction from his audience but gets none.] No, she did literally say that. [Cut to the Diagnostic room. The team is working on the case while House is busy trying to hack the laptop.] Masters : How's that even possible? Taub : Primary squamous carcinoma could cause lung tissue to basically disintegrate. Foreman : It's not cancer. F.O.B. was normal. Chase : It's not an infection either. Broad-spectrum antibiotics haven't had any effect. House : Who password-protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office? Masters : Someone who works with someone who thinks it's okay to break into other people's homes? Foreman : An amebic liver abscess could rupture through the diaphragm into the thorax. Chase : Not when his liver-function tests are all normal. Masters : His dorm mates are computer science majors. If they're fabricating chips, they could be working with all kinds of different toxic solvents. House : We need to search the dorm. Foreman : "We"? House : Oui. Allons-y. While we're out, do a thorascopic lung biopsy and a c-ANCA, because it's sarcoidosis. [House closes the laptop, gets up and leaves the office, followed by Foreman.] Taub : But if you think it's sarcoidosis, why are you… [Cut to the classroom.] Gabe : So you really did force his roommate to hack into the laptop? House : Why would I lie? Alex : But whose laptop is it? Sophie : It's your girlfriend's, isn't it? House : She's not my girlfriend. I'm just interested in her because she's a client, and she sleeps above her covers — four feet above her covers. Sophie : What? Timmy : Ghostbusters. Sophie : So that's why she's so mad — you looked through her computer? House : No, that part happened after she got mad. First she got mad. Then I stole her computer to fix things. And then we got the case. Corwin : Wait, so you tried to fix your relationship by stealing her computer? House : Well, when you say it like that… Yes. Female lawyer : Looks like you're the moron. Kids : Ooh! [Cut to the underground parking lot of the hospital. Taub is driving a car with a fancy electronic guidance system. He backs up to the entry doors. Chase and House come out to unload a portable launcher from the back of the car. Taub : I can also get three sets of golf clubs in there. [Chase and House set it up in front of Cuddy’s office.] [Cut to the classroom.] Timmy : No way. You didn't get her laptop by blwing down the door of her office. That's from Thunderbolt and Lightfoot. House : Just seeing if you're still paying attention. It was actually more subtle. [Cut to the elevator door opening. House, wearing a blue denim windbreaker and a gold chain, is smoking a cigar.] Timmy : The Thomas Crown Affair — the Steve McQueen version. Sophie : Just tell us the truth already. Dryden : Excuse me. But there are others here who would like a chance to speak. House : Go right ahead. Kids : No! House : Audience is always right. [Cut to the clinic. It seems to be a normal day, busy with patients and nurses. A woman and her son are waiting at the desk.] Mother (embarrassed) : Luke. [One by one, people seem to be bothered by a strange smell.] Luke : It wasn't me. Nurse : [Adressing an old woman who s about to pass out] Ma'am, are you okay? Can you hear me? Mother : Ooh, what's that smell? Patients : Ugh. [Some people rush outside, others fall over, unconscious. House is here, wearing his “I’m in charge” hat. He has cotton balls in his nostrils.]] House (hillbilly accent) : Smells like a gas leak. Nurse : Call Dr. Cuddy. [Back to the classroom.] Female lawyer : You poisoned a room full of patients so you could steal your girlfriend's laptop? House : I didn't poison anybody. I spilled some hydrogen sulfide and ammonia on the floor, thinking the stench would clear the place out. But instead of breathing through his nose, some idiot decided to hold his breath. He passes out, and before I know it, the place is a perfect storm of mass hysteria… Although it worked out just as well. [Back to the bench outside the principal’s office.] Colleen : They're morons. House : Agreed. Colleen : No, not the patients, the kids. It doesn't matter how you stole it. What matters is why. House : You know, you're starting to remind me of someone. [Cut to Wilson’s office.] Wilson : I didn't ask how you stole it. I asked why. House : [Holding the laptop.] Isn't it obvious? Wilson : You think you can tell why she's mad by reading budget spreadsheets and per diem schedules? House : I know why she's mad. What I need to know is how to make her un-mad. And step one is gaining access to the journal on her laptop, where she records her innermost thoughts… Instead of just watching prn with me. [Wilson is speechless.] Oh, grow up. If prn was bad, why would there be so many nuns in it? Wilson : Why is she mad? House : I was myself, which, by the way, she's supposed to love unconditionally. [It seems that Wilson doesn’t believe House.] I didn't do anything! We had a great weekend. Went to a blues club, we watched Cinderfella on DVD. Wilson : And? House : It doesn't matter. She's being unreasonable, and I have to fix it. I need to know what's really important to her. I need something big. Wilson : Because? House : We're past that. Wilson : Have you tried childhood pet names? House : I don't know her pets. Wilson : She's never mentioned a pet? House : Well, yeah, but I wasn't listening. She's not mad because I don't remember a dad dog's name. Wilson : Her first dog was Ronaldo. House (typing on the laptop) : Is that R-o or R-e-y? Wilson : I didn't ask. Try both. [There’s a knock on the door. It’s Foreman.] Foreman : Just got a case from the E.R. Rutgers student came in with what looked like acute bronchitis. But there's nothing in his blood or sputum cultures. House : Don't you think it's time you people stop looking to the white man to solve all your problems? Foreman : His O-2 sats are in the toilet. If we don't figure out what's attacking his— House : So figure it out! I'm busy. [Back to the classroom.] Sophie : That can't be true. House : Why not? Sophie : 'Cause if he was dying — I mean, you're a doctor. House : Patients die every day. Not all of them are interesting. [Back to the bench.] Colleen : You still haven't answered either question. House : She was mad because she's genetically programmed to make a big deal out of every little thing. Colleen : So she's mad 'cause she's a girl. House (indicating Colleen) : And now she's mad because she's programmed to make a big deal out of every little thing. Zack : Actually, she's not like that. House : Why are you sticking up for her? She says you're a pathetic jerk and she hates you. Zack : That was a long time ago. Colleen : It was two days ago. Zack : And it wasn't even true then. Colleen : How do you know? Zack : Because I know how you think. Colleen : Really? Zack : Really. House : Really? [Cut to the schoolyard. Zach and Colleen are both involved in a jump rope contest. They are jumping, facing each other as all their friends are cheering loudly. Colleen trips on the rope and consequently loses. Zach seems to be very excited that he has won. He addresses a disappointed Colleen.] Zack : Hey. Uh, and no peck on the cheek. It has to be on the lips. [Back to the bench.] House : Winning a bet to force her to kiss you actually cuts against your theory that you know how she thinks. Zack : I wasn't forcing her to do anything that she didn't want to do. House : You're hoping for a career in the NBA or the NFL? Zack : The bet let her do what she wanted to do while still being able to act like she didn't, so her friends wouldn't get all, like, calling her a slut or something. [Colleen gives him a meaningful look.] Not that it's slutty or anything. It's just a kiss. Colleen : Not even close to true. I just couldn't believe I'd lose. House : Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Colleen : No, we're not. House : Oh, I thought we were. Colleen : No, you thought we weren't, and that's exactly what you want, because you don't want to tell us why was she mad at you! You tell us you don't want to do your job because you're too busy trying to break into your girlfriend's laptop to figure out a way to make her not mad at you. But you don't tell us why she was mad at you. House : It's stupid. Colleen : Talk. [Cut to Cuddy’s living room. She is laying out a yoga mat while House is putting his shoes on to leave in the morning.] House : I'm out of here. Unless… Cuddy (smiling) : Rachel's gonna be up soon. House : Well, you never know. Cuddy : Yes, I do. Can you take the garbage out before you go? House : Uh, I-I-I would, but… [He points at his painful leg.] Cuddy : Oh, come on. It's not a lot. House : Pain's always worst first thing in the morning. [House gets up, gives Cuddy a kiss and leaves, slamming the door. Cuddy is pissed, and worried it will wake up Rachel but doesn’t hear a thing so she starts stretching until…] Rachel : Mommy! [Too late for Cuddy, she won’t be able to do her yoga routine and heads for Rachel’s room. Holding her daughter in her arms, they go to the bathroom to discover that House left the toilet seat up, didn’t clean the toothpaste in the sink and used her toothbrush! Cuddy looks disgusted.] [Cut to the bench.] Colleen : You used her toothbrush? Zack : That's so gross. House : What's the big deal? It's not like she had a problem swapping spit the night before. Colleen : Well, maybe it's not the swapping spit that bothers her, but the fact that you don't listen to her. Had she warned you not to do it? House : Oh, I listen to her. Colleen : But you just said before that you didn't. House : No, I said I didn't remember what she said. Colleen : No, you said you don't listen— House : I listen to her. Okay? Believe me, I listen. [Back at Cuddy’s, the couple is watching “Cinderfella”, lying on the couch.] Cuddy : It's my toothbrush, and it's not just once. And it's not like I'd even care, but you totally destroy it. You're supposed to brush with it, not gnaw on it like a rawhide bone. House : I think Miss Four Cavities' time would be better spent copying Mr. No Cavities instead of complaining about him. And given what I'd just been doing, I thought you wouldn't want me going out to dinner without a good brush and a floss. Cuddy : Would you please just use the toothbrush I bought you? House : Would you please just shut up and watch the movie? [She turns her head to look at him. He meets her eyes.] I said, "please." [Back to the bench.] Zack : Why would you have to brush your teeth before you go to dinner? House : You don't want to know… yet. Colleen : You're gross and dumb. You listen to what she says just so you can tell her how wrong she is. House : You are clueless and naive. I have to tell her that she's wrong, 'cause no one else will. She's the boss, which means she's surrounded by morons who are either afraid of her, or they want to kiss up to her, or they want to… kiss her. Colleen : But not you. House : I already kissed her. And I respect her enough not to treat her like some tender blossom who needs to be coddled. Zack : Makes sense to me. Colleen : That's what you think you did? Zack : Yeah, totally. House (surprised) : You mean… Wha— You? [He makes a fist.] Zack : No, I didn't punch her. [Cut to the gym. The kids are playing a game of floor hockey and Zach and Colleen are on opposing teams. Zach, who has the puck, heads toward goalie Colleen, smiles at her… and then slams the pucks as hard as he can. It accidentally hits her face.] [Back to the bench.] House : You're a moron. Zack : I didn't mean to. The stick had wicked heel curve. House : Did I mention you're a moron? Zack : Okay, you just said it's wrong to treat your girlfriend like she's weaker than you. House : I'm not talking about trying to score. I'm talking about shting high. Tennis shoes on a wooden floor? She obviously can't butterfly and cover the low corners. Colleen : Your turn. The laptop. [Cut to the hospital. House is sitting in the office of the real Dr. Hourani, working on Cuddy’s laptop. The doctor arrives.] Hourani : I must be in the midst of a complex partial seizure, 'cause I know you are not sitting at my desk. House : Sorry. Ran out of lotion in mine. Hourani : Get the hell out of here. House : Can't. This is the only place left that Cuddy'll never look for me. And I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Hourani : Well, I can tell you, what you're about to find is my foot in your ass. House : I don't think we've got enough lotion for that. Hourani : How did you even get in here? The door was locked. House : Well, either I can walk through walls, or… We have liftoff. [Hourani leans over House’s shoulder to take a look at the laptop’s screen.] Hourani : Is that Cuddy's journal? House : No, it's a freelance piece I'm writing for Teen Vogue. [He closes it.] Hourani : No, no, no. Let me see that. House : Sorry, got to go. [He gets up.] Hourani : [Holding out his hand.] Key. [House hands Hourani an unbent paper clip and heads out.] House : I got to give you one thing, Hourani. Your wife — she's beautiful. I mean, wow. Hourani : Thank you. [Hourani looks at the family picture on his desk and smiles… and then remembers something that makes him open his desk drawer quickly. Something’s missing.] House! [In the hallway, the elevator door is closing on House smiling. He has taped a photo of Mrs. Hourani wearing lingerie on the door.] [Cut to the classroom.] Alex : Wait. I thought you were Dr. Hourani. Kids : Yeah, who are you? [Everyone is now wondering. House doesn’t know what to respond.] [Cut to the bench outside the principal’s office.] Colleen : So that's why you're here? Well, that was stupid. House : I know. [He answers his cellphone.] Mr. Stupid-Head at your service. Foreman (on the phone) : Where are you now? House : In the principal's office. Foreman (from the patient’s room) : House, we don't have time for games. Pet scan was negative for sarcoidosis. House : Great. Means the treatment's already working. Foreman : It would if we'd actually started the treatment, but we didn't. House : Why the hell not? Foreman : Because it's not sarcoidosis. If you were here, you would know that. He's dying. What's left of his lung is collapsing. F.N.A. of the mediastinal— House : I don't care about the F.N.A. What I care about is how he responds to the treatment. Foreman : House. House : Just do it. [He hangs up.] Sarcoidosis… is a diagnosis of exclusion, which means that the cowards who spend their time excluding what it isn't usually cause their patients to die from what it is. Zack : I don't get it. Why would you lie about your name? Colleen : Well, who cares? What did she write in her journal? House : Thank you. That is exactly my point. Why does no one ever believe me? Zack : What? House : Just because he's dying doesn't make it interesting. Zack : You cheated on her, didn't you? House : No, I didn't cheat on her. Zack : It's obviously more than just you used her toothbrush and wouldn't take the garbage out. House : No, actually, it was exactly that. [Cut to Cuddy’s front door. She is standing in the doorway and House is outside.] Cuddy : I just need some time alone. House : Because I used your toothbrush? Cuddy : And you wouldn't take out the garbage. House : That's insane. You know that, right? Cuddy : You do whatever you want, always. House : I said I was sorry. I was — I was still half asleep. I wasn't paying attention. Cuddy : And you're always right. And I don't mean you always think you're right. But y-you are actually always right, because that's all that matters. House : That doesn't even make sense. What, you want me to be wrong? Cuddy : I want you to care about more than just what you want, what you think. You need me, House. And you may even love me. But you don't care about me. And I deserve someone who does. [Cuddy closes the door on a silent House.] [Back to the bench.] Colleen : That's what I said. You don't listen to her. House : You didn't say that. Colleen : Yes, I did. House : Well, I wasn't listening, then. Zack : But you found a way to fix things, right? That's why you were happy when you read her laptop. House : I did. At least I thought I did. [Cut to a hospital hallway. House is walking with Sanford Wells, the chairman of the hospital board.] House : She recently got the thin envelope from her first choice preschool. But it turns out it was her fake first choice, 'cause she was convinced she couldn't get her kid into her actual first choice without a substantial donation or an inside connection. Wells : If it's Brye Park, I'm afraid she's right. [Back to Zach, Colleen and House.] Zack : Wait, that's our school. Colleen : What other school would he be talking about? Just finish the story. House : You know, I got to tell you — there is bossy, which can be sexy. And then there's bitchy— Colleen : Finish the story. [Back to House and Wells.] House : You obviously know this because you're on the school board, which puts you on the inside, and being the CEO here obviously connects you with Cuddy. Wells : Well, if we're so connected, why isn't she the one asking? House : Because she thinks it's wrong to use connections to cut in line. I don't. Wells : I might be able to help. House : Fantastic. Wells : But I could use a favor as well. [Cut to House’s car. He is talking on the phone while driving to Brye Park, for Career Day.] Foreman (on the phone) : Where are you? House : I needed to take care of something. Foreman : It's not a foreign body. [He is in the scan room with Masters. They are talking to House via speakerphone.] House : You must have missed it. Foreman : If we do any more imaging, we're gonna have to add radiation poisoning to the DDX. House : I meant the sarcoidosis. Masters : The biopsy and c-ANCA were both negative. Foreman : We're gonna have to do a pneumonectomy . House : No sign of drug or alcohol abuse. He's not a smoker, a coal miner, or a potter — it's sarcoidosis. Start him on corticosteroids and methotrexate. Foreman : If it's a drug-resistant bug, and we give him steroids— House : He'll die, which from the sound of it wouldn't be much worse. [Suddenly House slams on his brakes… too late: he’s rear-ended the car in front of him.] You moron. [It turns out the car belongs to Dave Dryden, who House will meet again later at Career Day. As Dryden walks to House’s car, House quickly takes his wallet out of his pocket and hides under his driver seat.] [Back to the bench.] Zack : But you have to show him your I.D. And your insurance stuff. You can't just give him a fake name. House : You don't have to do anything. Last time I checked, this was still America. Of course, that was ten years ago. Colleen : But you're gonna pay him, right? I mean, it was your fault. House : A yellow light does not mean stop. It was, at the most, 20% my fault. Since insurance companies automatically put 100% of the fault on the rear-ender, my little lie was actually an effort to achieve an outcome closer to the truth. And it would have worked, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids. [Back to the classroom.] House : I am Dr. Hourani. Alex : Then why did you say the other doctor was Hourani? House : It's, uh — it's a common name. It's like Smith… in Lebanon. Dryden : [Standing up and walking toward House.] Let me see your I.D. House : I told you, I left it in my other pants. Dryden : Really? 'Cause it looks like it's still in this pair. [Dryden tries to reach House’s pocket.] House : Get your hands off me. Dryden : Give me your I.D. [They start pushing each other and fighting.] House : Hey, would you stop that? Dryden : Give me your I.D. Corwin : Gentlemen, please. House : What? What? Corwin : Kids, stay calm. Dryden : Gimme your I.D.! Corwin : Stop this right now! Stay in your seats, kids. Stay calm, you guys. Stay in your seats. Gentlemen, please. This is not the time or place. [They are still fighting and Corwin is trying to stop them when suddenly, the room is silent. Ms. Washburn just walked in.] Ms. Washburn : Is there a problem in here, Ms. Corwin? [Back to the bench.] Zack : Why don't you just take off? It's not like the principal can call your parents. Colleen : No, but the principal can call the police or the guy he's doing the favor for. Zack : His girlfriend's obviously gonna find out. He's screwed. I'd bolt. Colleen : No, you wouldn't. Zack : Yeah, I would. Colleen : No, you wouldn't. House : How do you know? [Cut to the back of the school where Zach and Colleen were secretly meeting. Colleen is standing, eyes closed, as Zach gets closer to her. He backs out.] Colleen : What's wrong? Zack : I guess… I don't want to do it like this. Sorry for shting the puck so hard and tricking you in the bet. Colleen : You didn't trick me. Zack : Yeah, I did. I gave Madison a Red dad Revolver cheat code so she'd ht your foot with the rope. Colleen (relieved) : I knew you couldn't bat me. Zack : You're right. It's just… I really like you. And I'm pretty sure you like me too. But I don't want to play any more games. When you want — I mean, if you ever want to, just tell me you're ready, and, you know… Sorry. [Back to the kids and House.] House : Well done. Colleen : He's not always a jerk. And neither are you. She obviously likes you. Just stop using her toothbrush and stop playing games. She'll still like you. Zack : She's bossy… but she's usually right. [Ms. Fields, the principal, comes in the lobby and looks at House.] [Cut to the principal’s office. Ms. Fields is looking at House’s driver’s license. It reads: GREGORY HOUSE DOB : 05-15-1959 221 Baker Street, Apt. B Princeton, NJ 06542 (…) She hands it back to House.] House : Thank you. Ms. Fields : Dr. House, can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid? House : Is there a third option? Ms. Fields : Actually, I don't think there is. House (embarrassed) : I'm sorry. I-I just wasn't thinking. I mean, I was, but only about myself, which is apparently the way I am… Usually, not always. And I need to convince someone of that. Ms. Fields : Mm-hmm. And you think you can do that by getting someone to pull strings to get her daughter into our preschool. I spoke to Sanford Wells. [They sit on either side of the principal’s desk.] House : You can call the police. You can turn me in for lying at the accident. Ms. Fields : Oh, I'm sure Mr. Dryden has already taken care of that. House : Let her daughter in. She's a great kid, and Dr. Cuddy is a great mom. They'll fit in perfectly here. Ms. Fields : And how exactly does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are? Seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else. House : I don't know. I just know that I need to do something. I need her in my life. You know what it's like to actually need someone? Ms. Fields : Yes. I do. But I also know what it's like to have responsibilities. Maybe it's time you grew up. [House takes it all in, then notices a poster on Ms Fields’ wall: “The Princess and the Pea”. He gets an epiphany] Ms. Fields : Dr. House… is there anything you'd like to say? House : Can I be excused? [Without waiting for the answer, he gets up and leaves.] [Cut to the patient’s room. House enters, Foreman is there.] House : It's just food. Something small enough to go down the wrong pipe, too big to get washed out by the bronchial lavage. Foreman : Wouldn't show up on a C.T. House : But would cause the C.O.P.D. And wouldn't respond to steroids or antibiotics. Prep him for exploratory surgery and start the betting. Foreman : Betting? House : I got a hundred bucks says it's a pea. Cut to Cuddy’s office. House enters, she is working on her laptop.] Cuddy (still upset) : I'm busy. House : I know. [He closes the door.] I just want to say that I'm sorry. Cuddy : Shouldn't you be saying that to Sanford Wells? A fifth-grade career day? You really thought you could pull that off? House : I figured, how hard could it be? [He sits down in front of her.] And I wanted to prove to you that I do care about your needs and Rachel's. I do. Cuddy : Is that why you also stole my computer? House : Yes, it is. Cuddy : And then threw it in the trash? House : I did not throw it, I placed it, knowing that the janitor would find it and know it was yours and return it to you unharmed. I'm a moron. But that doesn't mean I-I don't care about you, that I don't think about you, that I don't want you to be happy. I was wrong. You were right. I can do better. Just… give me a chance. [She takes a few seconds to consider things.] Cuddy : So what were you — an Astronaut or a Bullfighter? House : I was myself… for the most part. [He seems to consider if he should say anything else.] I know you're still upset, so I'm gonna… I'll leave you to — [He gets up and heads for the door.] to deal with it however you want. [She calls him before he leaves.] Cuddy : House. [House turns around.] You want to come over for dinner tonight? House : I'd love to. [She gives him a smile that grows bigger when House pulls out a brand new toothbrush from his pocket. He leaves Cuddy’s office, also smiling.] The End.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x13 - Two Stories"}	foreverdreaming
(As the scene opens, we enter a crime scene. The doorknob is covered with drying blood. A curtain is waving, largely stained with blood, and the floor is covered with blood. Bert, a man in his early forties, is kneeling and scrubbing the floor. He is wearing plastic gloves, and coveralls stained by sweat and blood. As the camera pans over him, he stops and stretches his neck and shoulders. His cell phone buzzes on a plastic-covered table. He gets up, takes one glove off, checks the ID call. He straightens his shoulders and answers. ) Bert : Hey, sweetie. Yeah, I'm sorry. No, the meeting's running a little late. Well, you know Matheson… the guy loves to hear himself talk. Yeah. Yeah. I'll meet you at the restaurant. Hey, we're going over the contracts now. I gotta get back in there. I love you too. (He hangs up, and considers himself in the mirror. He then takes a clock on the shelf and looks pensively at it. A police officer enters the room, carrying a cup of coffee. ) Officer Smith : You're getting paid to clean, not window shop, Vesky. Bert : You calling me a thief? Officer Smith : Take it easy. Just yanking your chain. Damn, it's freezin' in here. Bert (back to scrubbing the floor) : Better the cold than the smell. Officer Smith : Used to think my job sucked. How much you make an hour anyway? Bert : Not enough. (Dryly) The difference is that this job is just a temporary setback. You, on the other hand, will always be a schmuck. Officer Smith : Yeah. Schmuck with a guaranteed pension and benefits. I'll take it. (He leaves.) (Bert gets up, takes his bucket and walks to the door. As he walks, the picture changes to an animated restaurant, his clothes are now an executive suit, and he is carrying a case. He enters a booth and bends to kiss his wife.) Bert : I'm sorry I'm late. Diane : No talking about real estate tonight. I really want you to just enjoy yourself. Bert : Well, seeing you in that dress, I'd say mission accomplished. (They hold hands.) Diane : Gets a little better. Wait till you see what's on underneath. Waiter : Fresh tako with lemon. Enjoy. Diane : I… ordered the appetizer special. (Bert lifts the lid, revealing a few tentacle parts, still moving.) Oh, I thought tako was a kind of tuna. Ooh. We're so not eating this. Bert : Well, we should at least try it. (He takes one piece with his chopsticks.) Diane : Please, it's moving, Bert. (Bert eats.) Oh, it's so gross! Bert : Actually, it's… not that bad. Diane (smiling and putting the lid back on the plate.) Really? I'm not eating it. Bert (he lifts his glass of champagne) : To us… On our third anniversary. The day I met you was… was… (He starts to look uneasy. A rash appears on his hands, rapidly spreading on his face. He has trouble breathing and falls back in his seat.) Diane : Bert? Bert. What is it? What… honey, what's wrong? Someone, please call 911. Honey. Honey… (ROLL CREDITS) (Cut to PPTH Lobby. House is waiting for the elevator. When the door opens, we see Cuddy inside reading a file. House looks embarrassed and quickly turns, looking elsewhere. Cuddy, still engrossed in her file, walks near him without noticing. She seems to recognize a scent, turns back and see House in the elevator. She smiles and runs to him.) Cuddy : House! (The elevator door close in front of her, she takes the other one. When she gets out of it, people are leaving the first one, which looks empty. She walks away, looking annoyed, then smiles, turns back and slips in the elevator where House is hiding, stuck to the wall.) I assume you're avoiding me because of the charity gala. House : This Friday? It's completely slipped my mind. Cuddy : So you'll be there? House : No, I meant it slipped my mind to tell you I'm not going. Cuddy : What do you think it'll look like if you don't show up when I get an award? House : Like I don't give a crap about awards, charities, what it looks like. Cuddy : If you ever want… House : I RSVPed two days ago. What, you think I'm a complete ass? (The elevator dings. They are back in the lobby. Cuddy steps out, then turns back to House, who has stayed in the elevator.) Cuddy : If you were already going, why did you… House : Foreplay. (The elevator door close. They both smile.) (Cut to Diagnostics office. The whole team is already here. Taub is sitting and eating a plate of fruits. Foreman eyes him suspiciously.) Taub : What? Foreman : Are you wearing my tie? Taub : Oh, I saw it in your closet, and it happened to match my shirt. Foreman : Why were you in my closet? Taub : Looking for a tie. What's the big deal? House : Obviously, he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage, but I'm liberal that way. Now, tell me how someone can have an allergic reaction when all their tests were negative for known allergens. Chase : Environmental. File says he's a real estate developer. Could have been exposed to something visiting a construction site. Masters : He's lying. (House waits for more.) He's not an executive. I saw his hands. They're covered with calluses and little cuts. He works with them. A lot. (The men look at her, speechless.) House (whispering): Stand up. (Masters looks nervous, but stands up anyhow. House grabs her and hugs her tightly, keeping her head on his chest.) Our little girl… is finally growing up. I mean, you dream of this day, but when it finally happens… (Chase tries hard not to laugh.) So what did Mr. Meathooks say when you called him a liar? Masters (still stuck): I didn't.(House lets her go.) House : Hmm. Baby steps. Go down there and do it. Masters : But what if I'm wrong? I'll just end up offending him. House : Consider that part a bonus. (She seems unsure.) All right, I'll send along one of your big brothers to help. You want scary, smarmy, or shorty? (Cut to Bert's room. His wife is sitting on his bed, holding his hands. Masters and Chase enter, Chase stays behind.) Masters : We need to ask you a few questions. Alone. (Diane does not move.) If you don't mind. (She still does not move.) Uh, they tend to be personal in nature. Diane : I'm his wife. I can probably answer them better than he can. Masters : They're about his job. (Bert looks concerned.) Diane : Well, what does that matter? He sits in an office all day… Bert : Honey, take a break. It's okay. Diane : No! Seriously, if there's something really wrong with him, I-I wanna know about it. Masters : It's not. Chase : Our questions are about what he eats for lunch at work and what comes out at the end… bowel movements, mostly. Color, texture. Smell. Diane : Oka… Bert : Pretty sure you can't help with that. Diane : Maybe I could use a break. (To Chase) Thank you for your honesty. Chase : You're welcome. (Diane leaves the room. Bert start to speak when he's sure she outside.) Bert : I can't let my wife find out about this. You have to promise me. Masters : That depends on if it's considered… Chase (taking the lead) : We promise. Bert : I lost everything because of the recession, my entire real estate company. And she has no idea. Chase : So what do you do for a living now? Bert : I used to be a janitor when I was in college, and now I'm almost 40 and doing it for the people I built homes for. Masters : Why? Bert : What do you think? Cause I need the money. Masters : No, I mean why lie to your wife about it? Chase : Oh, n-none of our business, really. What kind of cleaning? Bert : Industrial jobs. Crime scene cleanup. Septic tnk repair. Mold removal. It's physically klling me. (Cut to House office. House is looking intently at his computer, taking notes and netsurfing, during the whole DDX. We briefly see pictures of musicians on the screen.) Masters : It's the holy grail of potential diseases… caustic cleaning chemicals, raw sewage, mold spores, fungal infections. Chase : And not to mention cleaning up blood and other bodily fluids from a homicide yesterday. Foreman : We should check out the crime scene. He might have picked up a bacterial infection from the victim's blood. Chase : Place has been cleaned and sanitized by our patient. We sent for the autopsy report… probably take a week to get it. House : When he's not working, where does he go all day to hide out? Masters : His old real estate office? House : Treat for bacterial infection. Meantime… Bert, take Ernie and check his office for environmentals. I'll talk to Cuddy about getting the autopsy results faster. (He leaves.) Chase (pointing to Foreman) : You're Bert. (To Taub) He's Ernie. (He chuckles and leaves.) Masters (Hurrying after him and grinning hugely) : And they're both roommates. That was a good one. (Cut to PPTH corridor. House walks past patients trays, steps back, opens one, then a second, picks up a sandwich and takes a large bite.) Wilson : Well… at least the Alzheimer's patient in room 202 won't remember she only got half a ham sandwich. House (grimacing, puts the sandwich back.): I'm doing her a favor. (He leaves, Wilson calls him out.) Wilson : You're really going to the charity gala? House : Why? I wanna do something nice for my girlfriend. Wilson : You never do anything unless it stands to benefit you. House : I realize that three failed marriages can leave a man twisted and bitter inside, but in a good relationship, people sometimes do things for each other. Wilson : A hundred says you don't show up. House (he turns back, amused) : You're giving me an incentive to actually show up? A personal, selfish incentive? Wilson : I'm just making easy money. 200. House (he walks back to Wilson): How high did Cuddy authorize you to go? Wilson (with an embarrassed laugh) : She… she didn't… (Giving up) 300. She really wants you there. House : Why do people believe I'm incapable of doing anything nice? Wilson : Experience. (Cut to Vesky real estate office. Foreman and Taub are searching the building.) Taub : It's a tie. I'm not wearing your underwear. I said I was sorry. You want the tie back? Foreman : Can we get to work? Taub (starting to remove the tie) : I can't tell if you're being passive-aggressive or this is just your regular fun-loving personality. Foreman : Both. And you can keep the tie. Went out of style five years ago. (Taub tightens the tie. They investigate several offices. Foreman enters Bert's office, which is a mess. He opens a drawer and finds a meds vial.) Vicodin. And he doesn't have a prescription. We didn't test for an allergic reaction to narcotics. Taub : Or it's the obvious. Take a look at this. (He opens a storage room full of chemicals and toxic products.) (Cut to Bert's room.) Chase : We think you're suffering from boric acid exposure. Masters : Which is causing the rash. We need to decontaminate your skin and hope you didn't inhale it into your lungs. (Bert starts to breathe heavily.) Bert : I-I feel like I'm… (The monitor alarm beeps, showing a temperature of 124°.) Chase : Never seen a fever spike this fast before. Masters : Acid exposure burns literally. It shouldn't be causing this. Diane : What's happening to him? Bert? Honey, are you all right? (Bert is unconscious and shivering.) Masters : We have to get his fever down right now. If it gets any higher, it could cause permanent brain damage. (Cut to Diagnostics office. They are all sitting. House is perusing a file.) Chase : We used cooling blankets to get his temperature down. He sab at 102. Masters : Problem's not boric acid. We found no traces of it on his skin. Foreman : Infection from the mrder victim's blood? House (closing the file and throwing it on the table) : Autopsy report was negative for communicable disease. Cause of death was an overly sab girlfriend. Taub : We found Vicodin in his office. House (quickly) : Give it to me. (Foreman, Chase and Taub exchange concerned looks, while Masters is oblivious.) Might look like Vicodin but be something else. (Foreman considers this, takes the vial from his pocket and throws it to House. House opens it, takes one pill out, and makes a big show of smelling and licking it. He sighs deeply and put it back in the vial, then sends it back to Foreman. Meanwhile, the male team looks worried.) It's real. Unfortunately… his Vicodin doesn't cause rash, fever, and joint pain. Does make Taub considerably less annoying, though. Foreman : Maybe we're thinking too far outside the box here. Just because he could have picked up any one of a hundred exotic diseases from his job doesn't mean he didn't. House : Taub's life partner has a point. Started treatment with antibiotics, and he got worse. Simple answer begins with "m" ends with "mia." Chase : Meningococcemia? House : That works too. Confirm with a lumbar puncture. And on the off chance we're wrong, find out what else he's been lying about besides his job and his drug use. (Cut to Bert's room. Masters is standing next to the bed while Chase is preparing the lumbar puncture.) Masters : You sure do hide a lot from your wife. Your job, your drug use. What else? Bert : What does it matter? Chase : Can't help you unless you're completely honest with us. Bert : I was doing manual labor. If I came home barely able to move, Diane would know something's up. That's why I take the Vicodin… to hide the pain. I'm not an addict. Masters : Is that all you're hiding? Bert : I didn't just lose my job. Well, that's how it started, but I figured it'd just last a couple months. I maxed out our credit cards, took a double mortgage on the house, and I sold all of our investments. Who'd have thought the recession would last this long, huh? Masters : So it's Obama's fault you're lying to your wife? Bert : Look… I screwed up. Chase : It's too late now. I want you to roll over on your left side for the procedure. (He comes to Bert's bedside and starts the procedure.) Bert : Haven't you ever done something in a relationship you wish you could take back? Chase : Maybe. Bert : How'd you handle it? Chase : I told the truth. Eventually. Bert : How'd that work out? Chase : Not well. (Cut to House entering Wilson's office.) House : I need some intel on this charity event on Friday night. If I go, do I have to actually give money to charity? (Wilson closes his eyes tiredly.) I'm going. Just don't want it to suck. There has to be a way to make this fun. (He sits on the couch and extends his leg on the table.) Wilson : Show up and behave. Problem solved. House : Your problem solved. Don't you think she deserves more than a plaque and a round of applause for 15 years of running this dump? Wilson : It's a watch, not a plaque. House : It's a cliché. I want to make things more exciting, something she'll remember for more than ten minutes. Wilson : Okay. By fun and exciting, you mean screwing this up for Cuddy so she won't even dream of asking you to go to one again. House (faking wounded feelings): You really can't stand seeing me happy, can you? (Cut to the lab.) Masters : Gram stains are negative in the first CSF samples. Foreman : One down, three to go. Taub : I'm starving. You wanna get a bite after… Foreman : Already have plans. Taub : Date? Foreman : What difference does it make? We're roommates, not a married couple. We don't have to eat every night together. Taub : So you're saying… it's a date? Foreman : Yeah, it's a date. Masters : I don't have plans. Chase : Ooh. Shocking. Masters : Are you mad because I picked you? You're stuck actually doing your job? Chase : A little hazing never hurt a med student. Masters : I doubt it ever… helped either. I'm sorry that I think our patient shouldn't be lying to his wife. I'm a woman. I guess I just have a different perspective. Chase : You're sharing this unique insight that women don't like lying? Masters : Uh, no, I'm sharing my unique insight that you don't respect women. You sleep with a different one every few days. Or maybe… you find meaning in meaningless relationships. Chase : At least I have relationships. Foreman : I'm seeing a high lymphocyte count in the CSF sample. Taub : And that couldn't wait until they finished mocking each other? (Foreman glares at him.) That means it's not meningococcemia. (All their beepers ring.) (Cut to the team rushing to Bert's room.) Diane : He's getting worse! He can barely move his legs. Bert : I can't feel them. I can't feel my feet. (Chase lifts the sheet. Bert's legs and ankles are swollen and his feet are turning black.) Diane : What is it? What is happening to him? (Cut to House and the team walking in the corridor.) Foreman : Luckily, he didn't lose his feet. Chase : We were able to restore his circulation before any serious damage set in. Taub : It's not meningococcemia. CSF was negative for bacteria. Foreman : But high on lymphocytes. It's some kind of viral infection. Masters : Serum sickness fits everything. Chase : There'd have to be a cause, some drug he's been exposed to. Masters : In rare cases, a tick or a spider bite could set it off… House : Show of hands. Who's going to this charity thing Friday night? (Chase and Taub rise hands.) Chase : Already got a date. House : Cuddy is getting an award. I think we should all be there, show our support. Foreman : I assume you're planning on screwing it up, so you want to maximize witnesses. House : Why does everyone go to that? Foreman : Experience? House : Shut up! How 'bout go… or work the clinic all weekend? I hear it's genital herpes awareness month. (Masters and Foreman raise hands.) Serum sickness fits. Take him off the antibiotics. Start him on corticosteroids. If we're right, he'll be better by morning. (Cut to locker room.) Taub : Canceled date, huh? Foreman : You're bugging my cell phone? Taub : No. I just noticed you're not wearing it. Foreman : What? Taub (retrieving a shirt from Foreman's locker) : Your first-date shirt. Foreman : You tracking my wardrobe? Taub : I'm just observant. That's why I'm good at my job. Foreman : It's also the reason you're starting to annoy the crap out of me. Taub : Forgive me for trying to connect a little with my roommate. I just found out that Rachel is now officially more than just emotional with her online friend. Foreman : You're getting divorced. What did you expect? Taub : I know. You're right. Just… thinking about it kinda makes me wanna throw up. Foreman : You still wanna get something to eat? Taub : I could cook. (Cut to Foreman's flat. Taub and Foreman are playing videogames.) Foreman : Ooh. That had to hurt. Not as bad as you. You just missed a free upgrade. Ha. Just did it again. You ran past the power up. Taub : Double damn! Foreman (He stops playing) : Are you just letting me win? Taub : Of course I'm not letting you… (looking at Foreman) Okay, maybe a little. You're having fun, right? Foreman : Not anymore.(He puts the pstol back and crosses his arms.) Taub : I used to think the whole brooding thing was just part of your work persona, but now I live with you. You need to lighten up, Bert. Foreman : And you think I need you to show me what? How to have fun, relax? Taub : It was working till you flipped out. (He gets up and starts collecting the plates.) Foreman : If I was gonna take advice on how to live my life, it would not be from you. You're broke, you ruined your marriage, and yet you act like you're the victim here, like somehow we're all supposed to feel sorry for you. (louder) You screwed up your life, not some emotional friend your wife met on the… (He stops and grunts in pain.) Taub : What's wrong? Foreman : My stomach. You… you poisoned me! (He runs out of the room.) Taub : I ate the same thing you did. How come I'm not… (He looks concerned) Oh, dear God. (He hurries out of the room.) (Cut to Bert's room. Diane is banging on the bathroom door.) Diane : Open the door, Bert, please. Baby, talk to me. He locked himself inside. He went crazy. He ht me. Chase : Bert. Open the door, Bert. Diane : Bert? (Inside the bathroom, Bert is hallucinating. He hears thunder, the walls are moving. His eyes in the mirror are red. He tries to wash his face but blood comes out of the faucet. The room seems to be narrowing. He extends his arms in order to block the walls.) Bert : I can't get out! Why? I can't get out! Oh, lord, oh, no! Why can't I… get out? (Cut to Diagnostics office.) Masters : Skin rash is gone. But whatever it is, it obviously moved into his brain. Foreman : Or not. Masters : He had a psychotic break. I'd say that usually indicates neurological involvement. Foreman : Usually. Not always. The hallucinations stopped once the steroids we gave him cleared his system. I think that… Mm. (He grunts.)I think we caused this. Chase : What happened to you? Foreman : Taub tried to kll me last night. Masters : The steroids probably did clear up the rash, but the rest of his symptoms are the same. Chase : And now bilateral conjunctivitis. Foreman : Uh, excuse me. I'll be back. (He runs out.) Taub : I… I, uh, better go check on him. (He tries to leave with dignity, but has to run out. House smiles.) (Cut to the men's room. We see Taub and Foreman's feet, pants down. House, Masters and Chase enter the room.) House : Swollen joints, high white count, fever. Conjunctivitis. Anyone? Foreman and Taub, together : Seriously? House ; What, you two can't think and poop at the same time? There's a life at stake here! Taub : Uh… could be familial Mediterranean fever? Foreman : Not likely. That almost always presents with abdominal pain or… diarrhea. (Masters and Chase are bothered by the smell, apparently.) Chase : Given his job, the skin and eye involvement, it's more likely a systemic fungal infection. Masters : Well, we would have seen it in his blood work. Unless the saline used to recover and store the tissue samples has been shown in recent studies… House : Get new blood and CSF samples using formaldehyde instead of saline. And start him and his wife on triple antifungal therapy. Masters : His wife? House : Well, if he's really trying to keep her happy, I assume they've shared bodily fluids. (They leave the room, leaving Taub and Foreman, still in their stalls, alone.) Foreman : I hate you. (Cut to Bert's room, where Masters is hanging up IV bags.) Masters : You could have picked it up from your job. The… real one, not the fake one. If you had been more honest about… Chase (clearly annoyed) : How is that relevant? Masters : If his wife knew about his job, they both might have been more alert to the early symptoms. We could have caught it earlier. Chase : That's ridiculous. (Diane enters the room with sunglasses. She takes them out, revealing a black eye.) Bert : My God, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. Diane : Whatever you're doing, it's obviously not working. Chase : We think he has a systemic fungal infection. We're starting him on a parenteral antifungal regimen. Masters : It can be transferred through bodily fluids, so we have to start you on the treatment as well. Diane : A fungus? Where would he… Chase : it could be from anywhere. The spores can become airborne. Diane : But why would he be the only one? No one in our neighborhood, no one in his office building? Chase : Sometimes it just happens… that way. It's hard to explain. Bert : No. It's not. I need to talk to my wife in private for a moment. (Cut to Wilson consulting in his office.) Wilson : Your numbers indicate the medication isn't helping with your cholesterol. (He is interrupted by La Raspa , played loudly, Mariachi style. He goes to investigate, which leads him directly to Diagnostics office, where House is sitting in front of a big Mariachi band.) Wilson : Hey! (House whistles. The music stops.) House : Huh? Wilson : What are you doing? House : What's it look like I'm doing? Auditioning a band for Friday night. Wilson : So you're trying to ruin Cuddy's moment in the spotlight. House (hurt) : Ruin? These guys recorded with Juan Gabriel. They're gonna cost me 2 grand. This is not a prank. These guys are the beginning of Cuddy's evening to remember. Which, in turn, will make my evening… Wilson : I think, if you do this, your evening will end with you in your apartment alone… with a sock. House : Muchachos, adelante. Tres, cuatro… (The music starts back, with House conducting it.) (Cut to Bert and her wife arguing in the room. Chase and Masters are waiting outside.) Masters : This is all for the best. Chase : Yeah. Either that or… the opposite. (Diane leaves the room.) Masters : If it means anything, um… I think he's honestly just trying to protect you and keep you happy. Diane (clearly upset) : Oh, God, of course he would tell a bunch of strangers before he would tell me. I mean, why not? I'm just a stupid housewife, right? You know, I have something you can share with him. It's over. He's a liar, and I never want to hear from him again. You may wanna go check on him. His fever's back. But I am done worrying about him. Chase : She's right. He's at 101. Bert : Diane? Masters : We're gonna have to get your fever down. Bert : What… what's wrong? What are you saying? I can't hear you. I can't… I can't hear anything! (loudly) Why can't I hear anything? (Cut to the team, contemplating Bert from the corridor.) Chase: His hearing is almost completely gone. Masters : The new blood and CSF tests were negative for spores and fungus. Chase : Tumor necrosis factor syndrome? Fits the conjunctivitis and painful swelling in his joints. Masters : Except it's never been documented to cause hearing loss. Ever. House : Oh, no, she di'int! Chase : This isn't the classroom. In the real world, real doctors know that patients can have more than one thing wrong with them. House : Zing. Chase : He was taking Vicodin. Extreme abusers can experience hearing loss. Masters : Except his drug levels never got into the ototoxic zone. Chase : You have a better idea? House : I do. Only in the sense that you're wasting my time with a bad idea and she's wasting my time with no idea. Maybe we should hear from silent and silenter. Foreman : It's probably neurological. Taub : Brain tumor? Foreman : Or a viral infection that's reached his brain. House : I say we go with Ernie on this one. Get an MRI. Find it. (The team starts to leave.) Taub : I'm gonna move out next week. I'd rather stay friends than be roommates. Foreman : Just make sure I get my keys back. Taub : It's not my fault. (loudly) : I cooked it thoroughly! (Cut to Wilson and Cuddy having a drink at the cafeteria.) Wilson : Looking forward to Friday night? Cuddy : Yes and no. Yes, because it is a great honor, and no because… Well, you know the because. Wilson : You think House is going to embarrass you. Cuddy : Well, not intentionally. (She glances at Wilson.) Maybe intentionally. Wilson : I know what you mean. I picture him doing something stupid like… hiring a mariachi band or something. Cuddy : Well, actually, I could get behind that. I tried to hire one last year, but the board wouldn't let me because they thought it was too expensive. (This leaves Wilson considering.) (Cut to MRI room. Chase and Masters are preparing Bert for the procedure.) Bert : I'm freezing. (Masters show a sheet of paper saying : kept cold in the MRI) Is… is Diane coming back? (Masters starts writing No. Upon Chase “Uh-uh”, she changes it to “Not yet”.) Chase : Bedside 101… when a patient is near death, try to be nice. Masters : She's not coming back. I'm not gonna lie to him. Chase (Not looking at her.): Stop. Masters : What? You heard what she said. Chase : He's seizing. We gotta get him out of there. (They rush to the MRI.) (Cut to Bert's room. He is unconscious and undergoing dialysis. The team is outside.) Chase : Both his kidneys are fried. Taub : He's in a coma. He has maybe a few days left. Chase : We can try and get him on the transplant list, but in his condition and without a diagnosis, I don't see him getting selected. Masters : He wouldn't survive the surgery. Chase : Hence my previous comment. Foreman: What do you want us to do, House? House : If it's a tumor, we start chemo. bmb his head with radiation. Foreman : Which will probably kll him in this state. Chase : And without an MRI, we don't even know if he has one. House : He's definitely dad if we do nothing. If I'm wrong, all we do is shave a few hours off. Taub : We'll need his wife's consent. House : Masters will get it. Chase : Probably not a good idea. Masters : Uh, he's right. House : No, he's not. Consider this me officially booting you out of the nest. (Cut to the lobby, where Masters is waiting for Diane to arrive. Chase joins her) Chase : Just wanted to watch. Masters : Do you even like me? Chase : Why? Masters : I put making friends and having relationships on hold so I could concentrate on studying. I always thought there'll be plenty of time for that in the future. But… now when I do want them… I can't even get a date to this charity event. If I can't establish relationships in my personal life, how will I ever do it with a patient? (Diane arrives. Chase leans on the counter and speaks gently to Masters.) Chase : Be honest with her. But if it comes down to a choice between the brutal truth and hope, side with hope. (Masters swallows nervously and goes to Diane.) Masters : He's in a coma. We think it's a brain tumor, and we need your permission to start treatment. Due to his current condition, the risk factor… Diane : You mean… it could kll him? Masters : It's possible. But… there is still hope. Diane : Can he hear me? They say that… that people in coma can still do that. Masters : Sometimes, but your husband's hearing… is fine. (Diane looks hopeful. Masters turns to Chase, who nods.) (Cut to Bert's room. Diane is sitting next to him.) Diane : I didn't mean any of those awful things I said. I'm so sorry. I love you, Bert. I've always loved you. I also kept a secret from you. I was gonna tell you at the restaurant… but you got sick. And I wanted to wait until you felt better. I'm pregnant, sweetheart. You're gonna be a daddy. (Cut to Diagnostics office. Symptoms are written on the whiteboard (HAY!). House is staring at them.) House : Why rash again? It went away. It needs a reason to come back. We know it's not an allergic reaction, so we must have done something to set it off again. What? Taub : We put him on dialysis? Foreman : Moved him to the ICU? Masters : We also did a partial MRI. Chase : Two hours before the rash came back. They're not connected. House : What was he doing two hours before he broke out the first time? Foreman : Cleaning a crime scene. Chase : Crime scene and an MRI. Still not seeing the connection. House : We've been missing connections this entire case. Did he say anything? Did he show any signs of stress in the MRI room? Masters : He said he was cold, but it's always freezing in there. House : Cold and rash. Taub : Cold urticaria causes rash, but it's almost instantaneous and not time-delayed. Foreman : And it wouldn't explain his other symptoms. House (he has his epiphany face) : That's what we did. We made him cold. CAPS. Genetic disorder caused by a mutation in the cold-induced autoinflammatory syndrome one gene. Foreman : Muckle-Wells syndrome? There's only been a couple thousand documented cases in the U.S. House : Well, now there's a couple thousand and one. Fits every symptom there. We're idiots for not seeing it before. Treat with rilonacept. He'll live a long and healthy life filled with lies to his wife and future child.(He caps his pen with a satisfied look.) (Cut to Masters and Chase getting out of the elevator. We hear alarms beeping. They run to Bert's room. He has coded. A bunch of nurses is doing CPR. Music starts as, in slow motion, we see a montage : Masters does CPR while Chase push meds in the IV ; Chase checks Bert's pulse, then stops Masters ; she goes back to the CPR, Chase takes her hands off gently ; Diane cries ; nurses clean the room, while Diane sits next to his dad husband. The camera moves to House, resting in his Eames chair, thinking, playing absently with a rubber band, then looking up at Wilson entering the room, ready to leave with his case and umbrella. It is dark and rainy outside.) Wilson : You okay? House : Why wouldn't I be? Solved my case. Wilson : But your patient died. House (gets up and goes to his desk) : I didn't say in time. It happens. I can't save everyone. Wilson : I just came to apologize. You're right. I am turning bitter and cynical inside. House : You're finally putting the cat down. (Wilson glares at House. House gives up.) She loves mariachi. I told you. Wilson : Go home and… change. Party's in a few hours. (He leaves and House expression changes from light to sad.) (Cut to PPTH locker room. Taub an Foreman are getting formally dressed.) Foreman : You don't have to move out if you don't want to. I realize you might have had a point. I've been alone a long time. And I don't want to end up like House. Taub : What you said about me and my marriage was… Foreman : I was being an ass. Taub : True. But you were right. I needed to hear it. Foreman : So we're good. (He extends his hand. Taub shakes it.) Taub : You know, I have a couple tickets… Foreman : Don't push it. (Cut to the stairway. A very girly dressed-up Masters is waiting. Chase joins her.) Masters : Taub and Foreman done? I'm hitching a ride with them. Chase : Me too. Masters : You're not picking up your date? Chase : Naw. Going solo. All those meaningless relationships tend to wear a guy out after a while. Foreman : We've got 15 minutes to get there if we wanna see the board freak when House's mariachi band marches in. (They take the stairs. Masters starts to walk and stops awkwardly in front of Chase, smiling, who gestures to her to go first. Cielito Lindo starts to play, followed by a cell phone buzzing.) (Cut to a sky view of Princeton, then to the interior of a pub. House is sitting at the counter, in his tee shirt, looking very drunk. His keys are on the counter, next to his phone, still buzzing. He blinks and rubs his forehead, then drinks some more. He takes a brief look at Wilson, who sits next to him silently, then speaks.) House : All of them are gone, Wilson. They're all dad because I am screwed up. Wilson : You lost one patient. And it wasn't your fault. House : What about that mom who gave her baby cancer? If I'd figured that one out quicker, she'd still be a mom alive. Wilson : She refused treatment when it was offered. How is that your fault? House : And there was that guy I spent a day trapped in isolation with. He was five feet away the whole time. Just watched him die like an idiot. Wilson : Yeah. You' lost patients before, and you'll lose patients again. Why… House : Exactly! Why? Because love and happiness are… nothing but distractions. The only thing my relationship with Cuddy has done for me is make me a worse doctor. Wilson (with an incredulous laugh) : Right. The great Dr. House doesn't deserve to be happy. You know it's not true. House : My happiness is being paid for by other people's lives. (Softly) How is she? Wilson : She's worried. She's upset that you didn't show up tonight. House ; I gotta tell her the truth, Wilson. (He gets up. Wilson snatches his car keys.) Wilson : First… first, you're not driving anywhere. And second, you are definitely not talking to Cuddy like this. House : Okay. I'm gonna walk. (He leaves the pub, limping and stumbling at the same time. Wilson stays at the counter, watches him go and sighs.) (Cut to Cuddy wrapped in a blanket, going to her door, where someone is knocking rhythmically. She checks, and opens her door to a drenched House.) House : We really, really need to talk. Cuddy : You're drunk. (He enters anyhow.) And you screwed up big time. (Louder) Go home! (She follows him in the living room.) You completely disappeared on me. You wouldn't even answer your cell phone. House (standing in the middle of the room) : You're gonna want to… sit down for this. Go ahead. (She freezes. He gestures to the couch.) Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. (She sits stiffly, still wrapped in her blanket. House leans heavily on his cane, eyes closed, frowning.) I've made a decision. Being happy and being in love with you… makes me a crappy doctor. Cuddy : Shut up. You're too drunk to end this relationship. House (slowly, seriously) : I am drunk. And I'm also right. You have made me a worse doctor. And people are gonna die because of that. And… you… are totally worth it. (Cuddy blinks several times, looking stunned, but somewhat relieved. House joins her on the couch.) If I had to choose between… saving everyone and loving you and being happy… I choose you. I choose being happy with you. (Smiling drunkenly, he leans forward and nestles in her lap. ) I will always choose you. (He giggles.) My head's on your vagina. Cuddy (She looks worried and put her hand on his back.) : Go to sleep, House. House (mumbling) : Yeah. I am kinda tired. (He stills. Cuddy keeps her hand on his back and doesn't move, looking concerned.) (End)	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x14 - Recession Proof"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on an alarm clock ringing. It’s 6:30. Cuddy fumbles for it and turns it off. She turns on her back and drapes her arm across the far side of the bed. It’s empty.] Cuddy: House? House? [She gets out of bed and takes a few steps toward the bathroom, stretching and trying to wake up. A hand comes out from under the bed and grabs her ankle.] Oh! My God! What the hell? House: Muahahahaaaaahhh [His head pops out from under the bed. He is grinning.] Gotcha. Cuddy: Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap outta me? House: Set an alarm and everything. Cuddy: It's like dating a ten-year-old. House: God, I hope not. [She smiles and joins him on the floor, draping across his chest as they kiss.] Now that we're down here… Cuddy: Hold that thought. [She gets up.] House: Seriously? Cuddy: I have to pee. House: I'll wait. I brought a book. [He reaches under the bed, pulls out a book and starts to read.] I didn't know what time your alarm was set for. Cuddy: [from the bathroom] House? House: You know, you can rent this space out down here. In Japan, that would be like a deluxe— Cuddy: House, shut up. [He shuts up and slides out the other end of the bed so he can see her as she comes to the bathroom door.] There's blood in my urine. [Title card – no opening credits] [Cut to a treatment room. Cuddy is on the table in a robe. She’s hugging her knees, which are covered with a sheet. House sits on a stool next to her. Behind her, the doctor and nurse prepare for the procedure.] Cuddy: You really don't have to be here. House: You're my girlfriend. I'm being supportive. Cuddy: I'm mainly talking about them. [Foreman, Masters, Taub and Chase are lined up behind House. He turns to look at them.] House: Well, given that there's almost certainly nothing wrong with you, and my patient definitely has something wrong with him— Cuddy: That can't wait an hour? House: 'Fraid not. He's… [House is stumped] Chase. Chase: 16-year-old male spit up blood during a pick-up basketball game. E.R. couldn't find the source in his lungs or GI tract. House: See? Serious. Masters: Could be vasculitis, bronchiectasis, inhaled particles. Taub: What about angiodysplasia? Urologist: Ready when you are… Cuddy: Get them outta here. My urethra is not for public entertainment. House: But it is a good-time adjacent. [to the team] Feed the kid a camera. Check his got for angiodysplasia. Urologist: All right. If you could scoot down. House: [confidentially to the urologist] Hey, I'm, uh, I'm missing a watch. So can you keep your eyes open while— Cuddy: Okay! You too. [She waves him to the door.] [Cut to Ryan’s room. Taub is looking in the camera pill. His distorted face is on the monitor. His parents, Kay and Todd, are by his bed.] Taub: This little camera transmits images to the data recorder so we can see if you've got any vascular malformations in your GI tract. [Ryan swallows the pill with some water while Taub listens to his chest.] Your records show you've lost some weight over the past year. Was that intentional? Ryan: Not really. Todd: Well, he's been eating less since he quit the swim team. Ryan: You have to get up early for swim. It wasn't fun anymore. Taub: I need to talk to your son about sexual activity. Generally, it's less embarrassing for everyone— Kay: We're leaving. [Kay and Todd exit.] Ryan: Actually, I've only— Taub: How long have you been cutting yourself? [There are small scabs all over Ryan’s midriff.] Ryan: Those are from a layback grind that went wrong. Came off my skateboard straight into a fence. Taub: So… no to cutting but yes to appetite and sleep changes, and you quit something you used to enjoy. How long have you been depressed? [Cut to a hallway next to the Pathology wing. House is sitting on a bench, twirling his cane. Taub approaches.] Taub: Imaging showed no sign of upper GI issues. But the kid did admit to being depressed and to smoking pot to take the edge off. House: You are very pleased with yourself, aren't you? Taub: His marijuana could be laced with formaldehyde or lead, which could cause a pulmonary hemorrhage which could make him spit up blood. [House waits.] Yes. Yes, I am. I thought it was a good catch. [A lab tech, holding an envelope, comes out. House stands, takes money from his pocket and trades it for the envelope.] House: [to Taub] Run a lead level and push 5 liters IV fluid. [The tech leaves in one direction, House in the other. Taub turns toward where he went and holds out his hand.] Taub: Feel free to tip your other server. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. House barges in, envelope in hand.] House: Cystoscopy was clean. Cytopathology was normal. Cuddy: Why do you have my lab results? House: [tosses them on the desk] I don't. If I did, I'd know you were fine. Cuddy: Unless the blood came from my kidneys. House: Come on. Your hypochondriac mom had a brush with mortality last month, and it's understandable that you're worrying more than usual, worrying that you might turn into her. Cuddy: You're right. Odds are, this is nothing. House: Meet me in the cafeteria in ten. There'll be a corn dog with your name on it. I mean an actual corn dog. They fixed the deep fryer. [He leaves. She picks up the phone.] Cuddy: I need to schedule an ultrasound. [Cut to Ryan’s room. Taub is there.] Ryan: My dad's head's still in one piece, so I'm guessing you didn't mention the pot. What'd you tell him? Taub: The truth. You had a… minor chemical exposure, and we can't be 100% sure how it happened. Ryan: Thanks for covering. Taub: I know what it's like to be 16. Ryan: You also know what it's like to be depressed. You figured out my deal after only a few minutes, but I been fooling my friends and parents for months. Taub: It's my job to notice things. Maybe talking to your parents would make things better. Ryan: I've tried. They take it personally that I'm not happy, and then I end up having to make them feel better. They don't get me. No one does. Taub: In Med School, it seemed like everybody else could handle the pressure. I couldn't. I ended up hurting myself. Stupidest thing I've ever done. [checks Ryan’s eyes with a flashlight] You've got red spots in your eyes. They weren't there before. [Cut to Wilson performing an ultrasound on Cuddy.] Wilson: You have nice skin. Cuddy: Thank you. Shut up! Wilson: Sorry. Just thought it would be rude not to comment. Cuddy: Just treat me like any other patient. Wilson: Right. [pause] Are you sucking in your stomach? Cuddy: No. [yes] Hurry up before I pass out. [He stares at the monitor.] Cuddy: Wilson? Wilson: Ultrasound isn't definitive. We should run other tests before— Cuddy: Stop talking like a doctor and tell me what you see. [He turns the monitor to face her.] Wilson: There's a mass in your kidney. [Cut to Diagnostics. House is on his laptop during the differential.] Taub: We still don't know why Ryan coughed blood, and now he's got small hemorrhages in his eyes. Foreman: Sounds like an acquired coagulapathy, which gives us a pretty wide differential. Masters: Gets a lot narrower if we factor in his depression. House: Oh, don't do that! Masters: Mood swings can be a symptom of physiological illness. House: I'm not talking to you. [He was talking to the computer.] Taub: Mood swings are also a symptom of adolescence along with emo music and masturbation. More importantly, his weight loss and sleeping issues started a year ago. Chase: Infection makes the most sense. He sh*t hoops at school, showers in the locker room. I'm thinking staph. House: Damn! Masters: You don't think— House: Not talking to you! [He closes the computer in annoyance.] Chase: Everything okay with Cuddy? House: She's fine. She's just too stupid to accept it. Start him on nafcillin for staph. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s sitting with a man in a suit who is taking notes. House enters.] Cuddy: All that's in the, uh, First Mutual safety deposit box. The retirement accounts— House: You're freaking out because of one ultrasound performed by an incompetent Bonobo monkey. Cuddy: As demonstrated by my sitting here calmly going about my business. House: [shrill] Calling a lawyer, drafting a will! [She gives him a look.] Okay. I-I… hacked into your online schedule. Look, tests always show something. A mass in your kidney could be a complex cyst. It could be benign. Cuddy: I'm a single mom. I need to set up a trust, appoint a guardian. It's silly that I haven't done it before now. House: But you're doing it now because you think you're sick. The freaking out can at least wait until after the biopsy this afternoon. Cuddy: The biopsy's not till tomorrow. It's the first opening in the schedule. House: For the Dean of Medicine, the first opening in the schedule is… Oh, look! Now. [He turns his arm as if he were showing her a watch even though he isn’t wearing one.] Cuddy: My worry isn't any more important than anyone else's. House: Actually, it is. Cuddy: But I'm not sick, right? House: [quietly] Good point. [He leaves.] [Cut to Ryan’s room. A large kid is with him. Taub enters.] Roid Rage: I want my stuff, asshat. Ryan: I told you, man, I don't have it here. Taub: Hey… guys. Everything okay? Roid Rage: On my way out. I'll see you later. Taub: You wanna… tell me what's going on? Ryan: My friend gave me some leftover Klonopin he had when he switched his seizure meds. I sold them to Roid Rage for 80 bucks, but I landed in here before I could deliver, and now he's gonna rip my arms off. Taub: How often do you sell drugs? Ryan: It was a one-time thing. I needed the cash, I had the pills, so I thought, "why not?" It was a bad idea. The pills are at my house. I could have a friend go get them. Taub: [takes out his wallet] Give the thug his money back. One time only. [Cut to Cuddy’s dining room. Julia’s there.] Cuddy: I mean, if you're okay with this. You have three kids of your own. Julia: It's not even a question. Of course I'll be Rachel's guardian. And House is cool with this? I mean, you guys… Cuddy: We've only been together a few months. Julia: Hmm. Seems like a lot longer. Probably because you've been talking about him for ten years. And by talking, I mean ranting about wanting to smash his teeth in with a stapler for being such a jerk. Cuddy: People change. [Cut to House’s apartment. It looks brighter. The walls are a pale gray, the door is very white and the furniture isn’t as dark. There’s a knock on the door.] Wilson: I'll get it. House: [from the other room] That better be her! [Wilson, wearing a casual plaid shirt and white chinos answers the door. A policeman and a young girl are standing there. She looks angry.] Sitcom Studio Audience: Ooh! Wilson: Rachel Cuddy, you were supposed to be home half an hour ago. Rachel: Don't blame me — he's the one who wouldn't run any red lights. [The sitcom studio audience laughs.] Cop: [entering with Rachel] Mouth on that kid makes Mel Gibson sound like Nelson Mandela. Where'd she learn that? [House enters wearing a sports shirt straight fromTwo and a Half Men. He’s holding his cane in one hand and a model airplane in the other. He’s chewing gum and blows a big bubble. The studio audience cheers his entrance.] House: I don't know why you're here, but I didn't do it. Wilson: What's the problem, officer? Cop: She was shoplifting down at the mall. Sitcom Studio Audience: Aw! Cop: Are either of you this girl's father? House: Nope. But since her mom died, she's my favorite tax write-off. Officer, you have my word it won't happen again. [The policeman walks out.] 'Cause next time… [House flips the door closed] she won't get caught! [The studio audience laughs and cheers. House and Rachel “high five” each other and hug. Wilson leans in to join the hug.] [Cut to Cuddy’s bedroom as she wakes from the dream. As she regains her orientation, the camera focuses on the pill bottle on her nightstand. It’s 30 Zolpidem 200MG capsules, prescribed for Lisa Cuddy by DR. WILSON, with the instructions “Take one if needed for sleep.” No refills.] [Cut to Ryan’s room. Taub and Masters are there. Ryan isn’t.] Taub: It's no big deal. Masters: Good for you. You could have just assumed he was a drug dealer, but instead you took his word for it. [He stares at her, quizzically.] It's nice to finally see someone have a little faith in humanity around here. Taub: Why would you do that? Ryan, you okay in there? Ryan: [coming from the bathroom] I'm not sure. I think I just peed blood. [Cut to Diagnostics.] House: Looks like peeing blood is the new black. Foreman: Peeing blood after a night on antibiotics means we can move on from infections. Taub: Scoping showed no sign of a bleed in his bladder, which points to a kidney problem. House: Probably some kinda mass. Chase: Kidney mass wouldn't explain the coughing blood or the hemorrhages. Antiphospholipid syndrome, on the other hand… House: Makes sense. But doesn't rule out a mass. Masters: You think it's cancer? House: Mass doesn't have to be cancer. Could be renal hematoma. Masters: But the patient doesn't have any other abdominal trauma. Chase: He's… not talking about the patient. Masters: Cuddy has a mass on her kidney? House: It's probably just a complex cyst or angiomyolipoma. Foreman: It's a mass, not a mystery. They'll do the biopsy, then you'll have your answer. Just… have to wait. Taub: Patient admitted to using pot. Who knows what else he's doing. This could be a heroin-induced nephropathy. Masters: I thought you trusted this kid. Taub: And then you pointed out how sweet that was. House: If it were heroin, he'd be going through withdrawal. Antiphospholipid syndrome's a better fit. Start the patient on plasmapheresis. Taub: While he's doing that, can I at least search his house for drugs? House: Have I ever said no to that question? [He leaves.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. House enters. Wilson is behind his desk, working.] House: What are you doing here? Wilson: Pie-eating contest. House: Cuddy's biopsy is in an hour. You should be keeping her company. Wilson: Okay. You've been worried that your relationship is getting in the way of your diagnoses, you're protecting your patient. Either that or… you're an ass. House: Three — I hate the smell of death. Wilson: The chances of Cuddy having renal cell carcinoma— House: I'm talking about our relationship. She needs support and comfort, both things that I famously suck at. This will inevitably lead to— Wilson: You know what's good for that? Practice. Doing it — I don't know — once? House: I'm not gonna act like there's a crisis before we know there is one. There's no proof there's anything wrong with her. Wilson: There's no proof she's being stalked by Ninja squirrels either, but if she's scared of them… as her boyfriend, it's your job to figure out how to help her feel better. House: [thinks this over and nods] You're right. [Cut to treatment waiting room. Cuddy’s reading. Chase enters.] Chase: House told me to keep you company. Nurse told me to give you antibiotics. Cuddy: Tell House I'm fine. [Chase picks up a magazine from table next to Cuddy and sits across from her.] Chase: Mm! Tom Cruise got married. [They both smile. They read in silence for a few moments.] Do you want me to quote from First Corinthians? 'Cause I can do that. Cuddy: As a Jew, I'm gonna have to decline that offer. Chase: Don't know what you're missing. St. Paul was really on his game. [pause] He'll show up eventually. Cuddy: You don't actually believe that. But I do. All these years, he's never stopped trying to annoy me for more than 15 minutes. And now he can't even walk into the room. Chase: Love hopes all things. [Cut to Ryan’s room. Taub and Foreman are checking it out.] Foreman: What is it with you and this kid? Taub: He's doggy paddling in a sea of misery. I remember what it's like. Foreman: How far did you have to reach back for that memory, last night? Sometimes I hear you in the living room watching TV at 3:00 a.m. Taub; That's when classic Dr. Who comes on the BBC. Foreman: Yeah. If only they had some device that allowed you to record them and watch them another time. I'm just saying… I don't think fixing this kid is gonna fix you. [He answers his ringing cell phone.] Yep? We're on our way back. [to Taub] Our patient lost all feeling in his right arm. Taub: Look at this. [He shows Foreman Ryan’s yearbook that he has been flipping through. Every student picture has been violently defaced. There are nooses, scythes, axes and large Xs. One picture has “Should have been aborted” next to it; another “Waste of oxygen.” [The elevator doors ding open. Cut to House getting off. There’s debris in the hallways. The light is bluish, much of it filtered through drop cloths and scaffolding. It looks like this wing of the hospital is undergoing renovation. House, who is not limping, turns the corner and sees Chase who is facing the other way.] House: Chase? How'd it go with Cuddy? Chase? [House touches Chase on the arm. As he turns, it’s apparent that Chase is a zombie.] Chase: Aah! [Zombie!Chase roars, picks up House and throws him against the wall. He roars again and tries to leap on House who rolls out of the way. House looks around and sees his cane lying on an overturned paint can. He hits one end with his foot, causing it to flip through the air, into his hands.] [House is on his back on the floor. He and Chase wrestle, the cane between them, as Chase tries to get close enough for a bite. House uses the cane to throw Chase to the side and he scrambles to his feet while Chase does the same. As they face each other, House holds the cane upside down, in both hands. With a “whoosh-clink” a large ax blade comes out of the cane. With the second swipe, House decapitates Chase who stumbles into a wall and falls down. “Whoosh-clink” and the blade recedes into the cane.] House: Good thing I brought my ax cane. Cuddy: [from somewhere nearby] House… help me! [House steps over Chase’s headless body.] House: I'm coming! [He twirls the cane and, from behind his back, he pulls a gn barrel that he attaches to his cane. He cocks both barrels.] Cuddy: House… please! [Zombie!Taub and Zombie!Masters both limp out of a room, dragging their useless left legs.] House: It looks like we got company. [Masters moves first and House hits her with a blast from his cane, throwing her backward through the air. House sht Taub next. He lands 50 feet back, next to Masters.] [Weird chortling is heard. House turns to see Zombie!Foreman adjusting his bloody tie. House sht.] Foreman: Aah. [House advances and pumps two more rounds into Foreman before the zombie falls.] Cuddy: House! [House turns and tries to locate the sound of her voice.] Aah… aah! [House pushes a sheet that is covering a doorway while ominous music plays. Fortunately the gn cane is also a powerful flashlight. He illuminates a gurney in the middle of the room. Cuddy is on the table. Two zombies are between House and Cuddy and one is on the far side. They have already started feeding. The female zombie turns…] House: [shouting] No! [Cut to House’s office. He is in his desk chair and he wakes with a start.] House: Ah… Masters: Are you okay? House: I was sleeping. What could go wrong? [He gets up and limps past her and Chase, into the conference room.] [Cut to the DDX in the conference room. Again, House is on his laptop the whole time.] Masters: Patient lost feeling in his arm while on steroids — rules out autoimmune. Foreman: So what causes bleeding, kidney problems, and unilateral numbness? House: And a complete absence of any record of Cuddy's kidney biopsy. She must have put it under a false name so I couldn't rush the results. Chase: What if we had it backwards and it's not a bleeding problem, it's a clotting problem? House: There's no patient file created in the last two days for anyone having that procedure. Masters: She backdated the file? That's very clever. House: Hands off. She's mine. Foreman: Clots could explain everything including the numbness. We should do an angiogram of his brain, see if we can find it. [Silence. House is staring at the computer screen and doesn’t even acknowledge that Foreman said anything.] Chase: House. [House looks at him.] We're worried too. House: How sweet. I'm not worried. I just wanna get the results so she can stop worrying. Chase: Okay, but in the meantime— House: Do an angiogram. You two go to pathology and look at Cuddy's slides. Masters: You just said you didn't know which sample was hers. House: I guess you're gonna have to look at them all. [Cut to the team walking down the hall.] Chase: Bigger question — what's the deal with Taub? Just because House is too distracted to notice your distraction doesn't mean we didn't. Taub: Clots, angiograms — I'm focused. The kid scratched out the faces of half his class. You don't think that's a problem? Foreman: It's not our problem. Chase: Why is it anyone's problem? I violently excuted my tenth grade geometry teacher about five different ways in my mind. Masters: I didn't want to kll anybody. I just wanted to trture them slowly in my basement, preferably with acid. [The guys look a little disturbed at how her mind works.] You guys ever think about what you might to do House? [The elevator arrives as they all realize their minds work the same way. They all get on.] Foreman: Maybe it's no big deal. Chase: Unless it is. Someone sht House. [Cut to a clinic exam room. House has his feet in the stirrups and he’s watching a mini TV. Wilson enters.] Wilson: What are you doing? House: Pie-eating contest. Wilson: I was going to send Chase to tell you what the obvious right thing to do here is, but then I realized… if you were too stupid to know how stupid that was, you might miss the irony. You have to be with her. House: Yeah. I get it. She needs artificial support for an artificial problem. She's fine. Chase did an excellent job. Wilson: She doesn't sleep with Chase. House: We don't know that. [Masters knocks on the open door and enters.] Hey! Eating pie in here. Wilson: House… I'm not gonna tell you a third time. Do not screw this up. Because I really don't wanna clean up the mess. [He leaves.] House: He's referring to the pie. Masters: Fourteen patients with kidney biopsies. I tabulated them against their urinalysis results. Six men, three diabetics, one LCDD, one kid, two seniors, and by default, one… Cuddy. [She waits for the praise that isn’t coming. She approaches him with the file.] Uh… the biopsy was inconclusive. The mass is near the center of her kidney. They couldn't get a readable sample. House: Means they'll have to remove the mass to know if it's cancer or not. Masters: The file says they're doing some imaging now, give the surgeon a better idea of what he's dealing with. [Cut to Foreman’s apartment. He comes home and hears the sound of Savagescape 2, the videogame from Epic Fail, coming from the living room.] House: [calling from the living room] Can we order pizza? There's nothing in the fridge. At least not anymore. What's happening with the patient? [Foreman takes his boss breaking into his home to play video games in stride. He puts his briefcase down and takes off his coat.] Foreman: Angio showed a clot in a branch of his middle cerebral artery. Started him on streptokinase to break it up. Although… maybe we should have just played a few rounds of Savagescape 2: The Revenge, because that's obviously the best way to make someone feel better. House: You keep talking like Wilson, your face will freeze like that. Foreman: Look, however bad you think you're gonna be in that room, not being in the room is worse. [House can’t look at him. Foreman joins him on the couch and picks up a controller.] When she breaks up with you… you're playing by yourself. [Cut to a black & white, 1950s sitcom. The picture is squarer than that of modern TV shows and there’s black matting on either side of the screen. Cuddy opens the back door of a “typical” suburban home. The brick wall outside has ivy on it. Cuddy is dressed like a 1950s businesswoman, in a black suit, a small, matching hat, white gloves and a string of pearls.] Cuddy: Honey, I'm home. [House is leaning over the oven. He’s wearing black plus a flowered apron and a big smile.] House: Just in time. Pot roast is ready. [She comes over to give him a peck on the cheek. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen table, drawing.] Cuddy: Smells wonderful! House: I cured all my patients, so I came home to spend time with Rachel. Cuddy: And how was your day today? Rachel: It was great, Ma! I got 100% on my spelling test and 170 on my LSATs! Cuddy: Your LSATs? You're eight years old. House: We've been studying together. [Fake aside, out of the corner of his mouth to Rachel] It was supposed to be a surprise. Cuddy: Well, that's wonderful. [She pats Rachel on the head as she goes to put her briefcase down.] House: I think Rachel deserves a treat. [He pulls a lollipop out of his apron pocket.] Rachel: No, thanks, Daddy. It might spoil my appetite. [House smiles and eats the lollipop himself. There’s a knock at the door.] Cuddy: Well, who could that be? [A smiling Wilson, wearing a milkman/Good Humor man uniform is at the door. He’s carrying a cake with nine, already lit, candles.] Wilson: Delivery for you, Mrs. House. Happy 29th birthday. Cuddy: I'm not 29! [House walks over to take the cake from Wilson.] You're not limping. This isn't possible. None of this is possible. House: Girl can dream. [There’s banging on the door which wakes up Cuddy where she has fallen asleep on her couch. She catches her breath while the knocking continues, quieter. She answers the door. Wilson is there with a large envelope.] Cuddy: You run out of sugar? Wilson: Got your scans back from today. [She takes the envelope and removes the scan. Even with the limited lighting on her doorstep at night, she sees something that concerns her.] [Cut to Foreman’s living room. House’s cell phone rings and he answers.] House: Yeah. [Foreman sees the look on his face and stops shting video monsters.] Okay. [He hangs up.] Foreman: What's going on? House: Imaging shows enhancing masses across multiple lobes of Cuddy's lungs. Foreman: That's what kidney cancer looks like when it metastasizes. House: She's dad. [Cut to a jerky video. Ryan is outside, talking to the camera.] Ryan: What's up, losers? I hope you're enjoying being alive. Today's lesson: natural selection. Excellent system. Made us who we are today. But then we invented seat belts and grocery stores, things that keep idiots and weaklings alive. [He drops to the ground, his chest resting on a capped PVC tube about the size of a can of tennis balls.] Ryan: And let's be honest. Most of you don't really deserve it. [He gets to his knees. His face is out of frame as he lights the long wick on the pipe bmb.] Ryan: Here's to the natural order. [He has thrown the bmb into a small group of trees a ways behind him. It explodes, loudly.] Yes! Whoo! [Cut to Diagnostics conference room. Foreman, Chase and Taub are watching the video on the laptop. Taub turns it off.] Taub: Copied from his flash drive. Do I go to the cops? Chase: Yes. "Officer, I'd like to report an asault. The victim was a pile of leaves." Taub: It goes on. He talks about bmb his school. Foreman: Which you know because you stole his flash drive and broke into his house. How's that gonna play? Masters: [enters] Ryan's not responding to streptokinase. We don't have very long before the damage becomes irreversible. Chase: So we either up his dosage or go into his head and get the clot out. Where's House? Foreman: Hopefully with Cuddy. She did just get some pretty awful news. Masters: I called her. She doesn't know where he is either. [Cut to Wilson’s office. Foreman enters.] Foreman: Have you seen House? Wilson: No. [He looks up from his computer for a moment then returns to work.] Foreman: He left my place last night after you called. No one's seen him today. Any idea where he'd be? Wilson: No. Foreman: And you're not… worried about that? He's not good with bad news. Wilson: Yes. I'm worried. But this isn't about House. It's about Cuddy. She's the one who could be dying, and he's trying to make this about himself. I'm not playing. Foreman: Okay… Wilson: She still believes he'll show up. He'll either get over himself and be who she needs him to be or he won't. [He goes back to typing.] [Cut to the hall outside Ryan’s room. Taub is talking to Kay and Todd.] Taub: We'd like to do an embolectomy. We'll run a corkscrew-shaped instrument into Ryan's brain and pull the clot out. [They look understandably upset but nod at each other.] Kay: Okay. Have you talked to him about it? Taub: Yes. But I wanted to see you alone. I saw some videos that Ryan made a few weeks ago. He's blwing up pipe bmb and thrat people in his school. Kay: Oh, God! Todd: He was probably just messing around. Our son wouldn't hurt anybody. Taub: I'm not so sure. Kay: I know this looks bad, but Ryan's a good kid. He's had a rough couple years since he started high school, but I really think he'll come out of it. Taub: He needs help. Todd: Maybe he does, but if this gets out, he'll be suspended, maybe expelled. How about you focus on keeping him alive? [Cut to Taub and Masters watching the surgery from the observation area.] Masters: What are you gonna do? Taub: What do you think I should do? Masters: Pssh. Ha. So you can do the opposite? There are kids all over the country doing dumb, potentially violent things, but the percentage of them who would actually kll anybody is miniscule. Taub: So I shouldn't do anything. Masters: Mmmm… while the odds are low, the fallout could be… huge. Tens or even hundreds of lives. Taub: So I should call the cops. Masters: Of course, over-identification with the subject could skew the calculation towards being extra-protective. Or alternatively— Taub: You suck at this. Masters: [near tears] Hate the statistics… not the statistician. [Cut to the OR. Chase is assisting Foreman.] Foreman: Give me a little more dye. Chase: There's the clot. [The clot, visible on the monitor, disappears.] It just disintegrated when you touched it. Foreman: What was that thing?	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x15 - b*mb"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on dark. In a moment there is light in the middle of the screen, which is the back of an enclosure. The walls, which can barely be seen, are slatted wood. Black Lab’sThis Night plays. Near the back of the enclosure, something dark slowly moves.] ♪♫ There are things ♪♫ I have done ♪♫ There's a place ♪♫ I have gone [The something comes into focus. It is a bull. He is massive, filling the entire space.] ♪♫ There's a beast ♪♫ And I let it run [The bull is actually running toward the camera in slow motion. He fills the screen so completely that it goes dark again.] ♪♫ Now it's running my way [Cut to Lane, a bull rider. He’s outside, getting ready. He wipes down the rope and coils it around his hand.] ♪♫ There are things [Lane is perched, ready to jump on the bull.] ♪♫ I regret [One eye of the bull is visible through the bars of the chute.] ♪♫ But you can't forgive ♪♫ You can't forget [Lane puts his helmet on and fastens the steel cage over his face.] ♪♫ So take this night [He gently lowers himself onto the bull. He adjusts the coil of rope in his hand.] ♪♫ Wrap it around me like a sheet ♪♫ I know I'm not forgiven ♪♫ But I hope that I'll be given [In the arena, two cowboys stretch a rope in front of the gate at the entrance to the chute.] ♪♫ Some peace [After a few more adjustments, Lane nods slightly and the cowboys fling the gate open. The bull comes tearing out in at full speed — maybe faster. After each second of furious activity, the image slows so much it is almost frozen and Lane’s thoughts can be heard. The bull bucks twice then lowers his head.] Lane: [voice over] One. Don't tense up now. Go with him. [The bull is whirling in a circle with all four feet off the ground at once.] Lane: [voice over] Two. That's it. Stay in rhythm. [The crowd cheers. The bull whirls again.] Lane: [voice over] Three. What are you doing, Lane? You're tipping in. [The bull bucks. Lane rebalances himself by raising his free hand. The bull rears onto its hind legs.] Lane: [voice over] Four. What's your problem? Get your ass down. Get back in the middle. [Cut to an overhead sht of the bull with Lane on him. Back on the ground, the bull continues to try to toss him off.] Lane: [voice over] Five. You're weak. You got all kinds of daylight under you. [The bull pulls one way, Lane is leaning way to the other side.] Lane: [voice over] Six. Damn, Lane, you should be schooling this bull. [The bull lowers his head almost to the ground. AS he bucks he back legs up, Lane ends up in mid-air with over a foot of space between his right leg and the bull.] Lane: [voice over] Seven. Get up, set your hips before the kick comes down. [He lands back on the bull.] Lane: [voice over] Nice recovery. Now just wait till he turns back away from your hand. [There’s another overhead sht. The rodeo clowns head toward Lane and the bull as the eight seconds he needed to stay on are ending. The buzzer sounds and Lane jumps free. As the bull turns to stomp Lane, a clown distracts him. The bull chases the clown, giving Lane time to stand up. The crowd cheers.] Lane: [standing with arms over his head in victory] Whoo! Yeah. [Lane takes his helmet off and tosses it away. He turns to watch the bull being corralled and he stands there like a dad fish with his mouth slightly open. The bull gets away from the handlers and comes after Lane who doesn’t even try to move out of the way. The bull picks him up with his horns and effortlessly flings him against a wall. As the crowd watches, the bull jumps on Lane’s chest. Finally, the clowns get him into the gate and they lock it. As Lane sits up, one of the cowboys runs over to him.] Cowboy: Lane. Lane. Lane: What the hell just happened? Cowboy: I was about to ask you the same thing. [Opening Credits] [Cut to House opening a white door. He’s wearing a white, terry cloth robe with “Fremont Hotel” embroidered on it.] House: I'm fine. Wilson: Okay. [following House into the hotel room and closing the door] House: I assume Cuddy told you that she dumped me. Wilson: She did. House: And that I'm back on Vicodin. Wilson: She told me you had taken a Vicodin. House: And then I took a lot more. [He takes another one.] And so on. [House tosses the pill bottle into a large glass bowl on the table. It is filled with money.] Wilson: But you're fine? House: Well, I'm not fine as in "fine," but I'm fine as in "you don't have to worry about me." [House goes onto the balcony to get a bottle of water that he drinks from.] Wilson: Because you cleared out your bank account, checked into a hotel, and started back on Vicodin? House: Because I'm going to be fine as in "fine" very soon. Wilson: Until that happens, are you sure Vicodin is the… House: My leg hurts. Wilson: You've been able to handle the pain. House: It's gotten worse. Wilson: Not physically worse. House: Worse is worse. Pain doesn't discriminate. Neither do the pills. The Vicodin and the five-star pampering that I'm gonna get over the next few days should be enough to get me through it. Wilson: So you don't want to just avoid the issue. You want to avoid avoiding the issue. Sorry. House: Nothing is either as bad or as good as we think it is at the time. That's why T.O. mocks his opponents immediately after scoring. He doesn't wait till his friend shows up the next day to tell him to deal with it. [There’s a knock on the door.] Two weeks from now, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, my life will be back to its usual level of crappiness. Till then, the only real issue is how much I'm gonna spend on hotel charges. [House grabbed a bill from the bowl and went to the door while he was talking. A concierge, wheeling a food service cart, comes in. There’s a champagne bottle in a bucket amid all the food on the cart.] Carnell: Good morning, sir. I've got your deluxe breakfast for two. House: Do I have to count the strawberries? Carnell: Don't worry. You can trust me with anything. Including your food. House: [points to Wilson] After he and I have sex, I'm gonna slit his throat and then disembowel him in the bathtub. Carnell: Oh, no problem. I'll cancel the morning maid service. Would you like me to have them clean up later when they come to turn down your bed? House: Why didn't I meet you six months ago? [He hands Carnell the money.] Carnell: Thank you very much. And if there's anything else I can do to make your stay here more enjoyable, just ring the concierge and ask for Carnell. House: [biting a strawberry] Eat fast. We're expecting company. [Cut to Wilson’s face, surrounded by a metal thing and a white towel.] Wilson: Okay. This might not be such a bad idea. [Pan to House, whose is surrounded by his own metal thing. His eyes are closed.] House: What do you think he meant by "anything"? Wilson: Take some time for yourself. Relax. [They are face-down on massage tables in the middle of the room. Two female masseuses are working on them.] House: I know it's a figure of speech, to underline the "anything." Wilson: Maybe talk to someone? House: Already scheduled. Wilson: [turns his head to look at House] Really? House: [looks at Wilson] I'm not an idiot. I know I need help. Wilson: Okay. That's… great. [pause] I meant, like, a counselor. House: I know. Wilson: But you meant a hooker. House: Yeah. Baby steps. [Wilson sighs and they both put turn back into the face rests and continue their massages.] [Cut to the Radiology viewing room. The team is there. X-rays of Lane cover every surface.] Taub: House screwed us. Chase: Ten years of doctors cobbling him back together. Metal rods in every limb. Pins sab his spine. Five screws and a titanium plate in his skull. Foreman: Can't do MRIs. X-rays are probably gonna be useless as well. Every piece of metal is gonna obscure something. Taub: And House isn't sick. Masters: Why would you say that? Taub: Cuddy dumped House. He's out somewhere expecting us to indulge him while he ignores his job and licks his wounds. Masters: Cuddy dumped him? Taub: Don't do that. Don't get sucked in. Masters: He loves her. What? You can't feel bad for him for five minutes? Taub: I can feel bad for him while still expecting him to act like an adult, show up for work, and not go on a booze-, Vicodin-, and hooker-filled bender. Foreman: Which is why for now we're gonna handle the case without him. Chase: Oh, is that the reason? I thought it was because you can't pass up any chance to seize control. Foreman: I said "we." You want "pretty please" too? Masters: Wait. I understand the booze and the hookers, but why Vicodin? [Taub gives her a pitying look and Chase does a double-take, opening his eyes wide.] Chase: Wow, you really don't have any friends in here, do you? Foreman: House is a Vicodin addict. He's been clean for two years. Masters: He's used here at work? Foreman: Yes, that is very troubling. Almost as much as the fact that our patient has a ruptured diaphragm, cracked sternum, broken nose, and partial hearing loss, which can be explained by a bull jumping on him. And a neurological disorder, low-grade fever, nausea, and peripheral muscle weakness that can't. Masters: What if the hearing loss wasn't caused by the bull? That's just when he noticed it? [they’re all listening] Inner-ear pathology can affect the equilibrium and cause disorientation, making it appear to be a neurological disorder. Taub: So how do we confirm? CT is just gonna show us the plate and screws holding his skull together. Masters: We can do calorics and an ENG. If he has inner-ear damage, it'll affect his balance. Foreman: Sounds good. Go ahead. [Taub and Masters start to leave.] Chase: Go ahead? Really? What if one of us disagrees? [Taub and Masters stop. Long pause.] I happen to agree with Foreman. Go do it. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s behind her desk. Wilson is standing. He’s very agitated and loud.] Wilson: You knew he was an addict before you got involved. Cuddy: Didn't end the relationship… Wilson: You knew he was an ass… Cuddy: I didn't end it… Wilson: You told him you did not want him to change. Cuddy: And I was wrong. Wilson: You don't know that. You thought you were gonna die. Do you really think that was the right time to make this kind of decision? Cuddy: No. But I've thought about it. A lot. And I haven't changed my mind. [She looks near tears. Wilson calms down.] Wilson: He thought you were gonna die. Nobody knows the right way to react in that situation. Just give him another chance. He deserves it. Cuddy: I know. But this isn't about what he deserves. When things go wrong, I don't want to hope that I'm not alone. I want to know it. With House… every time I needed him to step up… He's just never gonna be that. It's not his fault. It's who he is. I should have known it. This is my fault. Wilson: Well, he's back on Vicodin. So you might want to… keep an eye on his new patient. [Wilson leaves.] [Cut to Diagnostics conference room. The team is talking to House on speakerphone.] Foreman: ENG was normal. Means his inner ear isn't… House: Morons. Masters: It wasn't… House: Whoa. Wait a second. The acoustics in here are beautiful. [loudly, echoing] Morons! [Cut to hotel bathroom. House sharing a bubble bath with a beautiful brunette who faces him in the tub.] You say it. Hooker #1: Morons. Taub: Who was that? House: Something Carnell got me. Masters: It wasn't that ridiculous of a theory. House: Great theory. It's a ridiculous test. You can't give a standard balance test to a champion bull rider. [While he is talking, he is holding the hooker’s foot, toes poised to enter his mouth.] If you're gonna test Superman's strength, you need a bigger barbell. Find one, make him lift it, then call me and tell me how high it got. [He leans to the side of the tub to talk directly into the phone.] And tell Cuddy that spying is for cowards. [Cut to Cuddy, standing against the wall by the door to the conference room. Chase disconnects the speakerphone.] Cuddy: Just keep me posted. Chase & Foreman: [simultaneously] I will. [She pauses, reacting to the sibling rivalry, then leaves.] [Cut to a treatment room.] Lane: You said my inner ear was fine. Taub: Previous test was for regular people. You were banged up pretty bad in the accident. But given your athletic ability… Lane: Wasn't no accident. That bull had malice and forethought. Masters: Uh, you mean aforethought. Lane: Whatever. He was pissed. Taub: Can you blame him? Lane: Not at all. If he don't do what he gets paid for, I don't get to do what I get paid for. Taub: You ever think of getting paid for doing something else? You're running out of bones to break. Lane: You ever think of doing something you don't love? It has its downside, but everything does. [Masters smiles goofily at him.] There ain't nothing like those eight seconds. Traveling around, getting to meet the fans, that ain't so bad either, if you know what I mean. All right, now what? Foreman: We're gonna start rocking the platform and changing your visual field while you balance on just your right leg. Masters: [giving him a pair of goggles] Here you go, Lane. I'm gonna start slow. Foreman: If you start to experience any nausea or disorientation, just let us know and we'll stop the test. Lane: [adjusting the goggles] You got it. [The platform he is standing on shifts in every direction including up and down. Lane adjusts to each move, shifting, leaning and bouncing to accommodate the changes. He seems to enjoy it. Masters watches admiringly.] Masters: Ha. That is amazing. [Taub looks at Masters then takes Lane’s arm.] Taub: We can stop. There's obviously nothing wrong with his inner ear. Now what? And I direct that question not to my boss, but to anyone who has an answer. Foreman: If it's not in his ear, it's got to be his brain. Masters: But if we can't get any images, then how do we… Lane: [behind them, drinking some water] Looks like you guys got some rusty pipes. This water's brown. Foreman: That's not from the pipes. It's from your mouth. [Lane bares his teeth and sticks out his tongue. They’re covered in blood.] [Cut to House lying in bed, staring straight ahead. A phone rings. He turns to his right.] House: Can you pass me the, um… [Hooker #2, a blonde in sexy black underwear, passes him the phone playfully. He grabs it from her and answers it. Intercut between the conference room and the bed.] House: What took you so long? Foreman: There’s nothing wrong with his ears, but he's got blood in his sputum. House: Doesn't answer the question. Foreman: We weren't avoiding you. It took us a little time to think up a diagnostic test no one's ever thought up before. House: Apology accepted. Chase: [Foreman starts to talk but Chase interrupts.] It could be a tumor in a salivary gland. We should get a parotid biopsy. House: [indulgently] Oh, that's so cute. You're fighting over who's in charge. [The blonde is playing with his naked torso. As her hand sinks below camera range, he gasps silently as if she struck a nerve (or found a collection of nerves).] Taub: GI bleed's more likely to explain the nausea and weakness. House: Who's in charge? Foreman: House, as long as you're not here, someone has to have the final… House: Let me rephrase. Who's your daddy? [The blonde climbs across House. He pulls his hand from under her and raises his arm out of her way. It looks like he’s about to smack her ass, but he doesn’t.] Taub: Let me rephrase. You have to decide if you're gonna buck up, get out of bed, and do your job, or if you're gonna wallow in self-pity. House: Those my only two choices? Or can I also point out the self-pity coming from you? You're just annoyed because when your relationship ended, no one gave a crap, including you. Taub: That is not true in so many ways. House: And, Chase, stop screwing with Foreman. [Chase, whose hands are almost covering his mouth, grins broadly.] And, Foreman, no. Till the telephone gets uninvented, no one in that room needs more authority than I give them, and right now I give you the authority to scope his GI tract and biopsy his parotid. And you can pick up the phone. [The blonde is plastered along House’s side. He has his arm around her, idly playing with her back. Her hands are all over him.] Masters: Wait, House, should we be more worried about you? Are you on Vicodin? Because if you are, you probably shouldn't be ordering procedures. [Taub looks annoyed. Chase facepalms.] House: I am not on Vicodin. [He swallows a Vicodin.] Do the tests. I have to see a man about a hurdy-gurdy. [He hangs up and turns to the blonde who giggles and starts kissing him.] [Cut to Masters and Taub doing the GI scope.] Masters: You really think House isn't using Vicodin? Taub: Does it actually worry you? Masters: If he's self-prescribing meds, that could affect his judgment. Taub: And does that worry you? Masters: Are you being sarcastic? Taub: If his rule-breaking is affecting his judgment, then you can step in and you can worry, but if he's just coming up with ideas that we haven't thought of but we should have, then our job is to shut up and do it. And what do you see in this guy? Masters: Hmm? What? Who? [pause] Oh. You think I'm attracted to our patient? Taub: Right. It's against the rules, so you wouldn't do it. Masters: [whispers] He's a macho half-wit. Taub: You have every reason to not be attracted to him, which is why I ask the question. Why are you attracted to him? Masters: Stop it. Taub: I'm just… Masters: No, no, no. Take out the scope. Taub: But I don't see… Masters: Not the monitor. Look at his eyes. [Masters opens one of Lane’s eyelids. The whites are bright yellow.] [Cut to House conducting another DDX on his cell phone. He’s sitting with his other hand on his cane, which he moves in rhythm with the music from the hurdy-gurdy. This is being played by Hooker #3 who is a brunette with curly hair. She’s sitting, in her underwear, of course, facing him. The team is in the Radiology viewing room.] Foreman: Sclerae turned yellow. Did X-rays. Looks like there's a mass in his liver, but the conductive metal rod in his ribs is blocking it. House: Making it, as they say, as tough to find as a hooker who can play the hurdy-gurdy. Foreman: If you have a point, can you please… House: It's an expression. Means it's tough, but apparently it can be done. Chase: If we don't have any equipment… House: You have eyes. Taub: Not that see through stuff. House: Obviously. Masters: You want us to cut him open? House: Only if you want to see what's wrong with him. [He hangs up.] Do you know Free Bird? [Cut to the O.R. Chase is operating, assisted by Taub.] Chase: [hands inside Lane’s abdomen] Do you see what I see? Taub: No. Chase: Exactly. Taub: More suction. [He puts his hands in and starts looking around.] That's impossible. I definitely saw a mass on the X-rays. Chase: It's gone now. [Cut to House looking at an X-ray.] House: It's a mass… [He’s in bed.] And then it's not. [Chase, Taub and Masters are standing at the foot of the bed.] Chase: You, uh, gonna introduce us? [He’s referring to Hooker #4, a blonde who is in bed with House. They are both modestly covered with a sheet.] House: Team, meet Duke. Anke: Anke. House: Anke? How'd I get Duke? [Foreman is sitting next to Chase, trying to look bored.] Masters: House, how many prosttute have you had? House: As in eaten? Ever? This year? Masters: Slept with. Since you've been here. House: All but one. She did my taxes. On the other hand, tapeworm that burrowed outside his intestinal… Taub: We would have seen eggs on a fecal smear or systemic eosinophilia. House: Detached cyst? Foreman: Couldn't migrate that far in one hour. We haven't been sitting on our hands just waiting for your brilliance to kick in. House: Okay, so how did you sht down intermittently swollen lymph node? [Everyone looks at Foreman. House raises his hand and Anke gives him a high five.] Masters: That would mean it's some kind of an infection, which would mean we'd have to do a spinal tap. But with his recent skull fractures, it could be an increased ICP. His brain could herniate. Chase: What about a ventricular puncture? House: Sounds good. Master: You think sticking a needle directly into his brain would be less dangerous than sticking it in his spine? House: It's probably a push. I'm just trying to get you out of here, because underneath this sheet, [confidentially] stuff is going on. [Masters turns away, shocked.] House: Just pick a spot and stick a needle in it. [The team leaves.] [Cut to Lane’s room.] Lane: You want to drill through my skull because of a mass that's not there? Taub: It was there, which means something is wrong. We need to find it. Masters: Is there anybody you'd like us to call? Someone that you'd like to be here with you? Maybe a wife or girlfriend? Lane: No, my family's all back in Oklahoma, and the guys on the circuit are in Calgary at the next rodeo. Masters: Ah, that's too bad. It's nice to have somebody nearby you can talk to who cares. [He smiles at her.] [Cut to the treatment room. Taub is getting ready to stick a needle in Lane’s brain.] Taub: You okay? Masters: Hmm? Taub: I’m just saying, "it's good to have somebody near by to talk to who cares." Masters: Okay, fine. I like him. So what? Taub: No kidding. I just can't figure out why. Masters: Neither can I. Looks clear. Nothing is suggesting inflammation. Something's wrong. [Alarms go off.] Taub: O-2 stats are plummeting. We need to intubate. Drop the table. [He tries to get the tube in Lane’s throat.] I can't get it in. Masters: The airway's blocked. Get the trach kit. [Taub cuts open Lane’s neck and stick a tube in. He attaches a bag and pumps air into Lane’s lungs.] Masters: O-2 are going back up. Nurse: What's that smell? Masters: Did he defecate? [They go to the foot of the bed. The nurse raises the sheet. It’s clean under there.] Taub: Doesn't look like it. Masters: I think it's his feet. [She looks at his feet, which have some sort of rot on them.] Oh. Oh, man. Ugh. It's definitely his feet. [Cut to the hotel room. The emergency exits sign on the inside of the door is showing.] Carnell: Please don't. [An arrow pierces the sign. House is holding a high-tension bow and some extra arrows.] House: That is a nice bow. [Carnell opens the door. About six inches of the arrow are on the other side.] Carnell: That was a nice door. House: Put it on my tab. Let's say we take it up a notch. [He tosses Carnell an apple.] Carnell: [laughing] Yeah, right. Very funny. House: You don't trust me? Carnell: No. Hooker #5: [comes over] I'll do it. [A petite Asian woman with long hair skips over, takes the apple from Carnell and goes to the door. She’s wearing a crisply ironed, white, man’s shirt (which is, therefore, not House’s).] House: And we have a gamer. Carnell: Oh, come on, man. You can't be serious. House: Why not? [#5 giggles and holds the apple on top of her head.] Anything goes wrong, we just take her to the doctor. And I'm only eight paces away. Carnell: House… [The phone rings.] House: I like you, Carnell. Don't ruin it. [He turns on the phone.] Stinky feet can point to diabetes, athlete's foot, or gangrene… Pick one. Carnell: No! Taub: Uh, none. None of those cause bloody sputum or disappearing masses. Carnell: No. No. No. No. You're gonna kll her. House: Don't do that, Carnell. They might get the idea that I'm shting at a hooker. [He takes aim. The hooker waits. He lowers the bow as he gets an idea.] Fungal infection can cause ulceration between the toes and bleeding could be from recurring abscesses that appear to be recurring masses. Masters: Symptoms in the head or feet mean the infection would have to be in the heart or the brain. Taub: I say we start by looking in the heart, because looking at his brain with a metal plate is problematic. Chase: So's MRI'ing his heart. He's got a seven-centimeter conductive metal rod holding his rib together. It'll rip him in two. House: [aiming and pulling back on the bowstring] No, it'll just feel like it's ripping him in two, which is much better. Taub: We could minimize the damage by injecting ice water into his abdominal cavity. Carnell: No. Please, no. [House sht. #5 grunts and holds the arrow protruding from her stomach. There is a huge patch of blood on her shirt.] Carnell: Oh, God! House: Oops. [The team, listening, looks puzzled] Got to go. [#5 staggers and grips an end table as she falls. Carnell rushes to her.] Carnell: Call an ambulance! House: Why? Carnell: What do you mean why? She's hurt! House: She doesn't look hurt. [#5 laughs and rolls onto her back.] Carnell: No, you didn't. House: Yes, we did. [House demonstrates that the arrow was fake. #5 opens her shirt to show the breastplate the arrow and blood sprang from.] Carnell: You're an ass. House: Okay. Go get me, uh, general Patton's colt 45. [The door opens] The one with the two notches. Wilson: [entering] He's not getting you a gn. Carnell: Your friend knows how to have a good time. [House and Wilson stare at each other as Carnell leaves.] [Cut to the MRI room.] Taub: The MRI magnets are gonna heat the metal. Could get to over 300 degrees in 15 seconds. Masters: Which is why we're injecting ice water into your abdominal cavity. [She clears her throat.] You'll feel colder than you've ever felt, and then you'll be hotter… um, you'll feel hotter than you've ever felt. [clears throat again] We'll try to be as quick as possible. [She pushes the button and the carriage moves Lane into the machine.] Taub: Wow. Masters: Shut up. [They go into the observation room.] Taub: It's interesting. Masters: No, it's not. It's mundane and simple. He's obviously a very blessed specimen, so from an evolutionary point of view, he'd produce healthy offspring, so my prefrontal cortex is telling me I should have sex with him. Taub: Oh. Is that all? Masters: Yes. My rational brain knows he's a hillbilly and an idiot. Taub: And yet somehow your rational brain is losing the argument, which is interesting. [Cut to the hotel bar.] Wilson: You were bored. You must have spent about two days setting up a fake mrder, and you were bored. House: I'm fine. Wilson: You're not. And I'm worried you might do something even stupider. Why don't you move back in with me? At least until you get back on track. House: What an ego. You think you're some sort of emotional paragon? You're my rock? Wilson: I'm trying to be a friend. House: At least I have the good sense not to marry every woman I fall into bed with. Maybe you should move in with me. Wilson: Either way. If you prefer… House: [getting annoyed] I prefer you to stop talking about this. Wilson: House, we haven't even started talking about this except to establish the fact that you are fine, which clearly you aren't. House: [loudly] Leave me alone! [Wilson looks at House for a long minute.] Wilson: No. We are gonna talk about this, and we're gonna deal with this. House: So I have no choice? Fine. Unless… unless… [He has a revelation.] Yes, I do. I do have legs. [He stands.] I see you didn't factor those into your brilliant plan. [House takes his drink and leaves.] [Cut to the MRI room. Lane has his teeth bared and he is breathing hard.] Taub: [over the intercom] Lane, can you try to hold still? Lane: [teeth gritted] I'm trying. Real hard. Taub: Guy is tough. I'll give him that. My prefrontal cortex is a little aroused. Masters: Just get the damn picture. Rib temp is at 158. [Lane is grunting loudly.] Taub: I don't have a clear view of his aorta yet. Masters: This isn't gonna work. We have to stop. [She reaches for the off switch. Taub intercepts her hand. Lane can be heard yelling in pain.] Taub: No. You're trying to protect him instead of trying to save him. Masters: He's smoking. Literally, you ass. [She points through the window. Smoke is coming from the MRI.] Taub: Five more seconds. Masters: No, getting a good image isn't gonna mean anything if he doesn't have a rib cage. Taub: Got it. [She runs out, turns off the MRI and places ice packs on Lane’s abdomen, which has smoke rising through the skin. Lane grabs the ice pack and holds it in place.] Lane: Whew. Taub: The images… [shrugs] they're normal. Lane: [cooling off] Whew. Ah. Whew. [There’s a knock on Cuddy’s door. She goes to answer it, wearing a short robe. It’s Wilson.] Wilson: You're gonna have to talk to him eventually. He needs you. Cuddy: I love him. And I know he loves me. But I just can't… Wilson: He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he needs you. [He stops himself from crying.] Without you… Cuddy: You can't go backwards. I can't fix his problem. I am his problem. [They stand looking at each other.] [Cut to a tray of dipped strawberries. House’s hand reaches across and a brunette takes it. He’s wearing jeans, a shirt, sunglasses and no shoes. She’s wearing a bikini. They’re on lounge chairs by the pool. The team is standing in front of them.] House: If the infection's not in his heart, then it's in his brain. You're in my sun. Do a CT. Foreman: We can't. He has a titanium plate and a bunch of metal screws. House: So get rid of them. Taub: His skull has multiple hairline fractures. Removing the metal plate will be like removing half an eggshell without cracking the rest of the shell. House: [sits up, supporting his leg] And not removing the plate will be like leaving the egg out to rot. Foreman: We can't cut off the top of his head based on a few symptoms that disappear whenever we try to test for them. House: What if the one symptom that hasn't disappeared was never actually there? Any delays when he answers questions? [Masters nods] He doesn't have partial hearing loss. He's missing moments. He reported having something like a complex partial seizure during a bull ride. Said it hasn't happened since, but what if he's wrong? What if the infection in the brain is causing it to happen all the time? Chase: His E.E.G. didn't show any sign of seizure activity. House: I didn't say it was a seizure. I said it was something like a seizure. Foreman: And I'm guessing you're about to tell us we need to find something like an E.E.G. to prove… House: Nope, 'cause I already got one. [Stands and takes a wad of bills out of his pocket, which he hands to Hooker #6.] [Cut to Lane. He’s lying in bed and smiling.] Lane: You want me to sing? How's singing My Bonnie gonna help you see inside my brain? House: It won't. It's just gonna prove that we need to cut into your skull, which is gonna be kind of dangerous. So you've got a real incentive to sing like an angel. Masters: We think you're having mini blackouts, but your brain compensates. House: It can't compensate if there's a preset rhythm. [He sets a metronome on the bed tray.] One, two, three. Lane: My Bonnie lies over the ocean my Bonnie lies… [tick, tick] …over the sea My Bonnie… [tick] …lies over the ocean… [tick] …Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me See? Told ya. Masters: Lane, that wasn't even close. [to House] That was brilliant. House: [unenthusiastically] Yeah. [Cut to the balcony outside House’s room. He’s back in the robe. He and Wilson are talking and drinking coffee. Hooker #7, a blonde, can be seen on the bed behind them.] Wilson: It's understandable. House: I hate when you do that. You respond to what you think I'm thinking, because you think that I think like you do. It's insulting and annoying. Wilson: You're scared because nothing excites you. Fun doesn't excite you. Puzzles don't excite you. What's left? And I was saying you're right. You're upset. You're depressed. Everything's gonna taste a little worse right now, but it'll pass. House: It's understandable. You're scared because you think I'm falling apart, and you're trying to convince yourself that you're overreacting. [The blonde comes out and hands House his ringing cell phone.] Hooker #7: Keeps ringing. House: [answering] Yeah. Foreman: House, there's no infection in this guy's brain. CT's clean. House: Well, that sucks. Now we have to blow up his heart. [Cut to Diagnostics conference room. House is there for the DDX. He has a cold Starbucks-type drink.] Foreman: We're not blwing up his heart, because we've ruled out his heart. MRI and transesophageal echo reveal no swelling, no masses, no vegetation, no sign of anything. [House blows the straw wrapper in Taub’s face.] House: 'Cause we're looking the wrong way. [Holds up the straw.] There's an imperfection. How do you find where? Foreman: I don't know. Get a magnifying glass and… House: You suck. Feel free to interpret that both ways. Suck on the straw, see where the drink leaks. Chase: You're saying we put pressure on his aorta until it rips open? You do realize the downside of that? House: If we don't rip it, the damage from the infection will, probably not when he's got his chest open in an O.R. where it can be repaired inside the 60 seconds it'll take him to bleed to death. Chase: It's a ridiculous idea. It won't work. House: Now if you don't mind… get this guy's approval to rip his heart open. [Cut to Lane’s room. He’s sleeping with the corner of his sheet wrapped around his hand like his rodeo rope.] House: Hey. We think you have a Bartonella infection, which caused a mycotic aneurysm in your aortic wall. We need to find it, which means we need to blow up your heart. And, yes, I'm as serious as a heart attck. We're going to increase your blood pressure until the weak spot in your aortic wall explodes. Hopefully we'll be able to fix it before you bleed to death. Any questions? Lane: Nope. House: Really? You don't even want to know if you'll be able to go back to bull riding? Lane: I assume no? I mean, you've already cracked open my skull, and now you're gonna blow up my heart. House: [puzzled] Thought you loved those eight seconds. Lane: [quietly] I do. And now you're telling me that I got to give them up. I can always find something else to love. [House is really paying attention. The door behind him opens.] Cuddy: House. We need to talk. [House looks at Lane then follows Cuddy to the hallway. Lane unwraps the sheet from around his hand.] [Cut to the hallway.] Cuddy: You didn't expect me to say yes to rupturing his aorta, did you? House: [calm and deliberate] Since I didn't ask, I wasn't expecting you to say anything at all. Cuddy: You have no reason to believe this will save his life. House: [mirthless laugh] Really? No reason? None at all? I'm just planning on cracking open his chest, blwing up his heart, what, to pad his bill? [scornful] Or you think that since you broke my heart I want to break his. Cuddy: [somewhat pitying] I don't know. I think maybe you're looking for something that can excite you. Fill a void. And it's affecting your judgment. House: You're right. I am. But my damaged, depressed, drug-addled judgment is still better than yours or any other doctor in this hospital, and my team is gonna do this procedure and save his life. So you can either have security arrest me and my team, or you can get the hell out of my way. [House’s anger is palpable as he watches Cuddy closely. She blinks and inhales as if she’s going to say something. He sees what he was looking for.] House: [contemptuous] Annnnnd… she caves. [He walks away.] [Cut to the OR. Chase is slowly turning a handle that’s attached to a metal frame over what is, presumably, Lane. His chest cavity is open and all we can see of him is his beating heart.] Chase: Rib spreader in place. Taub: Heart looks good. The aorta's exposed. [House and Masters are in the observation room. Foreman injects fluid into Lane’s heart.] House: I take it you ratted me out to Cuddy. Masters: I think your judgment is compromised. House: No, you don't. [He hits the intercom button with his cane.] Come on. I got a squash game at 2:00. Let's give this cowboy a ride. Foreman: If I inject more, there won't be any room for the blood to go through the rest of his body. House: You're right. Let's make damn sure we don't damage his toes while we blow up his heart. [Foreman and Chase give each other a look. Foreman injects some more.] Taub: No bubbles, no bruising, no gaps. It's not working. Foreman: Yes, it is. [The monitor sounds get faster as does the actual, pulsing heart. Masters: I was wrong. House: Not yet. Chase: Let's switch him over to bypass for the debridement. Come on. We don't have much time. Foreman: Slow the heart down— [A gusher erupts and sprays blood all over Chase’s face. Chase: Damn. Clamp. Taub: We can't clamp the aorta at this pressure. Even if you can see through all the blood. Chase: Do it anyway. We need suction and more sponges. Foreman: [mopping up blood] Leak is too fast. Chase: [attaching a clamp] No, it's not. We can fix this. [Chase starts suturing. After a few stitches the bleeding stops. Foreman snips the thread. Chase tests the aorta with his finger. The monitor starts beeping normally.] Foreman: It worked!?! House, it worked. House: [over the intercom] I heard you. [He watches for a moment, then leaves.] [Cut to Lane’s room. Masters is in a chair in the corner. He wakes up.] Masters: Hey. Lane: [happy] I'm awake, so I guess it worked. Masters: [giggling nervously] As long as you don't get your heart rate too high. You, uh, probably shouldn't have sex for a while. Lane: I'll keep that in mind. Masters: Want to hang out, see your ranch sometime? Lane: Uh… Masters: [realizes he’s stalling] That would probably be inappropriate, 'cause I'm your doctor and everything. Good luck with everything. [She pauses in the doorway] It… [She backs the rest of the way out, nods at him and leaves.] [Cut to the hotel bar. A very loud group of college students is celebrating something.] House: Double scotch. Doubled. Bartender: Uh, blended? Single malt? Any preference? House: No. [House turns and looks at the students as the bartender pours his drink. He drains the glass in one swallow.] Bartender: Yeah, sorry about the noise. I guess, uh, their team won. Although I got to tell you, sometimes I wish I could still act like that, you know? Just let loose. [House nods at the bartender who refills the glass.] Ah, I guess it's a little easier, though, when you got no troubles. Parents still paying your bills. Got your whole life ahead of you. [The bartender moves off and House turns to watch the student. In slow motion, the celebrating continues silently and House polishes off his second quadruple scotch. He puts the empty glass on the bar as Peter Gabriel’s version of My Body is a Cage begins to play. The glass turns into an identical one among the detritus of House’s stay in the hotel — an empty bottle of champagne and a toppled champagne flute, chocolate-covered strawberries, a couple of arrows, a cork, the hurdy-gurdy, and House, who sits on the edge of the bed, rubbing his thigh and surveying the wreckage. ♪♫ My body is a cage ♪♫ That keeps me from dancing with the one I love ♪♫ My mind holds the key [House picks up the bottle of Vicodin from the bedside table and contemplates it.] ♪♫ My body is a cage ♪♫ That keeps me from dancing with the one I love ♪♫ But my mind holds the key [House tips the remaining pill(s?) into his hand and takes them.] ♪♫ I'm standing on a stage ♪♫ Of fear and self-doubt ♪♫ It's a hollow play ♪♫ But they'll clap anyway [House sits, brooding, while downstairs Wilson makes his way to the bar. The bartender points and Wilson turns in that direction.] ♪♫ My body is a cage ♪♫ That keeps me from dancing with the one I love ♪♫ My mind holds the key ♪♫ My mind holds the key ♪♫ My mind holds the key [House goes to the balcony and looks down. Holding onto the railing he puts his right foot on a bench then his left foot on top of the railing. ♪♫ I'm living in an age ♪♫ That calls darkness light ♪♫ Though my language is dad ♪♫ Still the shapes fill my head [He pushes off with his hand and stands on top of the railing. He balances himself by placing his hands on the ceiling/floor of the balcony above.] ♪♫ I'm living in an age ♪♫ Whose name I don't know ♪♫ Though the fear keeps me moving ♪♫ Still my heart beats so slow [House looks down. Downstairs, Wilson makes his way through the celebration. House stands, the wind bl*wing his shirttail. Wilson looks around, but doesn’t see House in the crowd. He sees some people pointing and looking up. He follows their gazes to see House, standing on the edge of the balcony, seven or eight stories up.] ♪♫ My body is a ♪♫ Is a ♪♫ Is a ♪♫ Is a [The music builds to a crescendo as House grins, then steps off the balcony.] Wilson: Noooooooooooooo! House: Cannonball! [He tucks his legs and lands in the pool. Under the water, House grins creepily. As he breaks through the surface, the students join in — dozens of them jump in the pool, fully clothed.] Wilson: What the hell are you doing? House: [standing in the pool, surrounded] What do you do when you win? Students: Party! House: What do you do when you lose? Students: Party harder! [House accepts a beer from one of the students. Wilson watches then gives up, turns and walks away.] ♪♫ My body is a cage ♪♫ That keeps me from dancing with the one I love [End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x16 - Out Of The Chute"}	foreverdreaming
[Note: In this episode we never learn the POTW’s real name. For the sake of consistency, I am going to call him Danny, as this is who he is thought to be for much of the episode] [The scene opens on a large model rocket standing in an open field. Two boys stand nearby. The taller boy holds the control for the rocket. The smaller boy is holding a video camera, aimed at the rocket as they prepare for the launch] Ryan: One small step for man… Chris: One giant waste of your monthly allowance. Ryan: Safety’s disengaged. We're go for launch in five, four, three, two, one! [He pushes the launch button and the rocket soars into the air] Chris: That was freakin' awesome! [The rocket does not get very high before it breaks up in the air with a pop. A parachute deploys, and the rocket floats down into a grove of trees some distance away] Chris: Whoa. Ryan: Aw, jeez. Come on. [The boys run into the woods looking for the rocket. They find the rocket suspended from a low tree branch. It is burning and has started the brush below the tree on fre also.] Ryan: My father's gonna kll me! Chris: (still holding the camera) Can I film that too? [Ryan takes off his jacket and starts to bat out the flames. Chris continues to film the scene. Through the viewfinder of Chris’s camera, he sees a man lying on the ground beneath a large dad tree. The man is covered in leaves and his has just caught fre] Chris: Whoa! Ryan: (coming up beside his friend) What? Oh, man… Is that guy dad? Chris: I think so. [The man is not dad. He sits up as the flames engulf his arm] Danny: Aah! Aah! Aah! [Ryan begins to bat out the flames on the man’s arm as he continues to scream in pain] Ryan: (calling out to his friend) Get the rest of the flames out! Danny: Aah! Aah! Aah! [The flames are out, but Danny’s hand is badly burnt] Ryan: You… you gonna be okay, mister? [A close-up of Danny reveals that he has a full beard and long hair. He is wearing a watch cap and is very dirty] Danny: (sniffing his burnt hand) It smells like… like licorice? [Danny passes out] OPENING CREDITS [The scene opens on the diagnostics conference room, where the team, minus House, is gathered around the table] Masters: Think House is coming in today? Foreman: Maybe if we start offering spa treatments. Masters: He already jumped off of a hotel balcony. Who knows what he'll do next? [Chase sees House speed by on a Segway. A young woman is riding behind him. She is wearing House’s backpack] Chase: Ride some kind of prosttute chariot to work? [An air horn sounds and the door opens. Dominika walks in, followed by House on the Segway. He rides it around the table, then spins it around so that he is standing beside Dominika. House takes off his sunglasses] House: First person to offer me an interesting case gets to ride her… single or double-team. (Masters looks uncomfortable) My scooter, which, now said out loud, sounds even more inappropriate. (He hands his sunglasses to Dominika) Taub: Seriously? You're bringing them to work now? [Dominika sits in the chair between the conference room and House’s office, while House continues to ride the Segway around the table as the team presents the patient’s case] Masters: 23-year-old homeless man brought into the E.R. with burn injuries and… House: Let me guess… diagnosis was fre. Masters: He said his burning flesh smelled like licorice, and the E.R. antiseptics like blueberry muffins. [House finally stops beside Masters] House: Cool. Dysosmia… could be anything from an environmental factor to an early sign of a degenerative brain disease. (taking the patient file from Masters) Smells like a winner. Okay, (speaking to Taub) you and Chase go check out the park where they found him. (to Masters and Foreman) You two load him up with Prednisone, give him an odor I.D. test. If he's still mistaking his body odors for candy, the problem's definitely in his brain. Also, find out what else he's lying about… (throwing the file down onto the table) Since I'm assuming "Ferris Bueller" is not his real name. (he starts up the Segway again) Masters: (picking up the file) Why? [House spins the Segway around sharply and comes to a quick stop. House and the team stare at her. Chase looks astonished] Masters: Seriously, who is that? Taub: They say he's a righteous dude. House: Before I forget, I want you to meet Dominika. She's about to become a permanent member of Team House. [Dominika stands and hooks her arm into House’s possessively] Dominika: Nice to be meetings you all. [She puts a wedding invitation down on the table] Chase: Doing what exactly? House: Me. We're getting married on Friday. (to Dominika) Mount up! [Dominika gets on the Segway behind House and puts her arms around his waist] Masters: I don't think that two people are supposed… House: Living on the edge, baby doll! [House honks the horn and he and Dominika roll out of the conference room on the Segway] [Cut to Danny eating what is probably his first healthy meal in quite awhile. Foreman and Masters enter the room] Foreman: How's the arm? Danny: Hmm? It hurts. Do I have to check out now? Masters: Not until we figure out why your sense of smell is off. When was the first time you noticed it? Danny: Maybe a couple months ago. Foreman: We also need you to tell us your real name, so we can review your medical records. Danny: I didn't ask to come here, okay? I'm not paying for any of this. Foreman: Don't worry. I don't think the collection agency has an office in the park. Danny: I don't have a medical history. I've always been healthy. Foreman: What about those scars and burn marks? (opening Danny’s gown to look at the burns on his chest) Lean forward. [Danny leans forward, and Foreman pulls down the gown in the back, revealing even more burn marks on his back. Foreman sighs loudly as he closes Danny’s gown] Danny: My dad… We didn't exactly get along when I was a kid. Masters: How many times were you hospitalized? Danny: Never. He was good at it. Made sure he never did anything that couldn't be covered up by a sweatshirt. Masters: I'm sorry. Danny: No, don't be. I'm not. The past is the past. That's why I don't like talking about it. [Cut to House charging through a hospital door on the Segway, almost knocking a man down in the process. His cane hangs on the handlebars. He slows down at the nurse’s station and drops an invitation into a box on the counter. He turns the corner of the nurse’s station and almost runs into Cuddy] Cuddy: You can't ride that thing in here. House: Speaking of things, (He looks through the stack of invitations he is carrying) I'm having one on Friday. If you want to drop by, we'd love to have you. (He hands an invitation to Cuddy) No pressure. Cuddy: You're still standing on it. House: So I am. Perhaps you're not familiar with New Jersey handicap ordinances. [House takes a blue handicap parking placard out of his breast pocket and hangs it on the Segway’s handlebars] Cuddy: (holding up a piece of paper) Or perhaps I am. They apply to wheelchairs and powered scooters only, not toys. [She takes the placard from the Segway] House: Have you any idea how much this toy cost? Cuddy: I don't care. House: For some reason, my leg's been hurting a lot this week. Cuddy: For some reason, I still don't care. House: Fine. I'll return it. [House climbs slowly off of the Segway, holding onto the counter for support and taking advantage of Cuddy’s guilt] House: But I’ll have to walk it out of here. Cuddy: Stop. I'll make an exception for your leg. But next time, check with me first. [House steps back up on the Segway, backs up to the corner of the nurse’s station, then turns and heads around the other side of the station and down another hallway] [Cut to Wilson entering House’s office. House is sitting in the Eames chair getting a neck massage from Dominika. He has a washcloth on his face] Wilson: Congratulations on your engagement. House: I hear a strange voice. Dominika: A very soft-looking man. Must be the Wilson. House: I know we said no secrets, but I think I need to take this alone, honey bunny. Dominika: Okay. (she leaves the office, putting her hand on Wilson’s shoulder as she exits) Nice to be meeting you. (Wilson giggles) [Wilson pulls the cloth off House’s face and tosses it aside] Wilson: You're trying to screw with Cuddy. House: Yeah, it's the classic "You dumped me, so I'm gonna get married a week later" ruse. 'Cause not only is she that stupid, but apparently I'm that stupid. Wilson: And what, you're openly mocking marriage… trying to prove it means nothing? House: It doesn't. But you proved that yourself years ago. [House gets up and goes to his desk] Wilson: I'd love to keep guessing, but I've got people with tumors waiting. Why do you want us to think that you're getting married? House: Only one theory left… I am. Dominika needs a green card. [House opens a drawer in his desk and takes out a yellow folder] Wilson: So you're just doing some random stranger a favor? It's illegal. People go to jail for that… Pay huge fines. House: (opening the folder) Have you seen me practice medicine? You know how much it costs to have a live-in maid, personal assistant, cook, massage therapist, whore? I do. She's willing to work four days a week for free. It's gonna save me about $33,000. [House hands the folder to Wilson, then sits down behind his desk. The folder has been folded backwards and a pie chart is visible] House: All I have to do is say two stupid words… "I do." Wilson: And if she doesn't see it this way? House: (putting his feet up on the desk) Iron-clad prenup… We go our separate ways. Your stunned look, I take it, is your way of saying, "Brilliant idea, House." [Wilson looks through the financial information House has put together as House puts his hands behind his head and leans back in his chair, a satisfied look on his face] [Cut to Foreman and Masters entering Danny’s room. Danny is now clean shaven] Masters: Wow. You look different. Foreman: The Prednisone has had time to work, so we need to give you the odor I.D. test now. Danny: Sure. [Masters opens a case full of small glass vials and sets it on the tray table. She takes out one of the vials and takes off the lid] Masters: (holding the open vial in front of his nose) We need you to tell us what you smell. Danny: (sniffing) Oh… Something spoiled… Maybe, rotting meat? Foreman: It's baby powder. [Masters hold another vial in front of Danny’s nose] Danny: I kind of like that one. Peppermint? Foreman: It's extremely bad body odor. Danny: Well, you got to admit, that one's kind of a good deal for me. [Taub comes into the room carrying a backpack. Chase is with him. Taub puts the backpack on the tray table and unzips it] Danny: My backpack. Oh, where'd you find it? Chase: In the park, right next to a big pile of questions. Taub: (holding out a tin of syringes and cotton balls) What kind of drugs you sh*ting up? Danny: Vitamin supplements. I've been trying to boost my immune system. All right, test me if you don't believe me. Taub: Ferris tell you his real name yet? Masters: Peter Johnson. [Taub holds up a paperback book with “Danny Jennings” handwritten on the first page] Taub: Danny Jennings. Danny: I bought those books used. Taub: All from the same guy? Danny: I'm sorry, you know, I think I should check out now. (Danny starts to get out of bed) And I should… Ow! Masters: What's wrong? Danny: Oh, my stomach. [As Danny leans forward, blood can be seen spreading out on the sheets beneath him] Foreman: Gastrointestinal bleeding. [Cut to Dominika massaging Foreman’s feet in the diagnostics conference room. Taub, Masters, and Chase are sitting at the table] Masters: Is anyone else disturbed by this? (Taub raises his hand) Foreman: What? She offered. [House and Foreman are both reclining in chairs with their feet up. Foreman’s pant legs are pushed up as Dominika massages his feet. House has cucumber slices on his eyes] Masters: Danny may have lied about his name, but he was telling the truth about the vials. Tests confirm they were vitamin A and B12. House: He also enjoys vitamin H. The kid's a junkie. Taub: Tox screens were negative for drug use. [House takes the cucumber slices off his eyes] House: His hair wasn't. I had it tested… (He eats one of the cucumber slices) 'Cause unlike Santa and the Easter Bunny, homeless, non-mentlly ill 20-somethings without drug problems don't exist. He was a heavy user sometime in the last five months. [Dominika finishes Foreman’s massage and takes out the cotton balls she had places between his toes] Foreman: Wow. That was incredible. Thank you. Dominika: No, thank you. I like a man with the big, strong, sexy feet. (She wiggles his big toe playfully) House: He really puts the "mani" in the "pedi." Foreman: If he has a history of snorting heroin, he could have caused the dysosmia himself. Masters: But we still need to explain the bleeding in his G.I. tract. Chase: Vitamin injections could have caused that… Hypervitaminosis A syndrome. Masters: So his symptoms aren't connected. Taub: House, you buying this? [Dominika has moved over to sit by House’s chair. She is giving him a manicure] House: Not usually. But this guy's been sleeping on a bed of dog poop. I wouldn't be surprised if he's got six different symptoms for six different reasons. Masters: The bleed could be caused by a G.I. obstruction. House: Vitamin O.D. makes sense, and it's easier to treat. Give him Tocopherol and zinc supplements for the excess vitamin A. If we're right… he could go homeless tomorrow. Masters: And if we're wrong, his intestines could get further distressed, while we ignore the G.I. obstruction. House: (to Dominika) See what happens when women don't have to serve men to stay in the country? The get all uppity. This is why we invented green cards. (to Masters) Go X-ray the guy's abdomen, if it'll make you feel all equal. (Masters leaves) [Cut to House barging into Cuddy’s office on the Segway] House: I need a favor. (tossing a folder on her desk) I want to add my fiancee's name to my health insurance a few days early. She wants to get a tooth capped before the big day. (He spins around on the Segway) Cuddy: (opening the folder) I'm not signing this. House: I agree. (spinning around again) I think she looks beautiful the way she is. Oh, no, wait. You're not signing that for moral reasons? [House has moved up close to Cuddy’s desk. He now leans down, speaking to her face to face] House: You're declaring yourself the sole arbiter of true love? 'Cause you covered Taub's wife for years. Cuddy: It's fraud. House: (calling out to Dominika in Russian) Voydi moya malishka (“Come in my baby.”) [House straightens up as Dominika comes in to stand beside him. She is holding a decorative food tin] House: She wanted me to bribe you, like they do back in the old country. (to Dominika) Tell her what I said. Dominika: This is America… the land of the home and the free of the braves. House: Yeah, I just get teary-eyed every time I hear her say that. She brought you a gift. Dominika: Almond kulich… I make with own hands. I-it's delicious. [Dominika holds out the tin to Cuddy, opening the lid so that she can see the Kulich. Kulich is a traditional Easter bread from Russia] House: Almond kulich… How can you say no to that? Cuddy: (taking the tin) You realize if I do sign this and you don't get legally married, you'll lose your insurance with our carrier? [Dominika is gripping House’s arm with both hands] House: Yes. Cuddy: Fine. It's your life. (she signs the form and hands the folder to Dominika) I wish you both the best with it. Dominika: (smiling) Thank you. House: North, Miss Teschmacher! (Eve Teschmacher was Lex Luthor’s assistant in the first two Superman movies) [House spins around and he and Dominika leave the office] [Cut to Chase and Masters performing the X-ray on Danny] Masters: Your blood test was clean, but your hair showed heroin use. Danny: I've been clean over three months now. Chase: How'd you kick it? Danny: I had to die first. I O.D.'d back in November, and they said I was clinically dad for several minutes. It was like God gave me a second chance to do things right this time. Chase: You're saying God cured you? Danny: No. State rehab cured me. But, I should be dad, but I'm not. It has to mean something. I mean, I-I must be here for a reason, right? Masters: Did you figure out the reason? Danny: My goal is to become a doctor one day. I am smart. I mean, I got a scholarship for premed out of high school. Masters: Chase… (Chase goes over to Masters who is looking at the monitor) Look. [Cut to the team in the radiology lab. They are looking at Danny’s X-rays] Masters: We found 13 masses spread across the wall of his colon, ranging from two to eight millimeters. Taub: It can't be tumors. Edges are too sharp and defined. Chase: I thought it might be parasites, but we didn't see any movement between X-ray exposures. Foreman: And no larvae or eggs were observed in any of his stool samples. House: Which is kind of surprising for a homeless junkie living in a park. Chase: Ex-junkie… Claims he's been clean for over three months. Masters: And he's not planning on staying homeless. He's trying to protect his health, which is why he's been taking vitamin supplements. He wants to be a doctor. Taub: He's just telling you what you want to hear. [As Taub speaks the sound of pills in a bottle can be heard] House: Once an addict, always an addict. [House dry swallows some pills] Masters: Can you… please not do that in front of me? House: Doubt it. You're the main reason I'm on the stuff. We could be looking at fungal masses hanging off the walls of his colon. Start him on Amphotericin "B" tonight, and in the morning, run a scope up where the sun don't shine, see if you can find any truffles. [Cut to Taub performing the colonoscopy. Foreman stands by, watching the monitor] Taub: I think we should boycott this wedding on principle. Foreman: I kind of have to go. His fiancee did give me a foot massage. And he invited me to be in his wedding party. Taub: W-what about Chase? He ask him? Foreman: Yep. He's in it. Taub: What the hell? Foreman: You just said you weren't even going. Taub: I still have feelings. Foreman: (spotting something on the monitor) What's that? (Taub pauses the scope and a small white spot can be seen on the monitor) That's definitely not a fungus. [Cut to Danny’s room, where Foreman is holding up a bottle of bone bits for Danny to see] Foreman: You were bleeding because you had 13 pieces of bone in your digestive tract. Masters: We think you have pica, a craving for nonfood items that's caused by a chemical imbalance… Danny: I didn't crave them. I kind of… volunteered to eat them. Masters: W-what? Why? Danny: There's this great Italian restaurant I like to frequent. And by "restaurant," I mean their dumpster out back. The cook is kind of a friend of mine. He challenges me to eat stuff. Sometimes it's raw squid, or, you know, I have to chew on a chicken bone. But if I do it, then he hooks me up with real food, not just the garbage. Masters: Great friend. Foreman: These fragments could have perforated your colon and klled you. Masters: You have to promise us you'll stop. Danny: (sitting up) I think there's something wrong with my eyes. Foreman: What is it? Danny: Uh, it's like I'm looking at you from the bottom of a well. [The camera cuts to Danny’s perspective. He is seeing Foreman through a tunnel. Foreman shines a light in his eyes.] [Cut to the balcony above the PPTH main lobby. House and Dominika are flying remote control helicopters as House and the team discuss Danny’s latest symptom] Masters: If we add tunnel vision to the dysosmia, we can subtract the bone-induced abdominal bleeding. Taub: I thought the dysosmia was from heroin. Masters: He said he never snorted, he just sht up. So that wouldn't have affected his sense of smell. Taub: And we believe the lying liar why? [House flies his copter toward Masters and Taub, who have to duck to avoid being ht] Foreman: House… Are you even listening to us? House: I'll start when you decide what the symptoms are and give me some theories. Taub: If we combine the dysosmia with the tunnel vision, the symptoms fit for western equine encephalitis. [House hovers his copter in the air beside Taub’s head as he speaks] House: But the patient doesn't… no fever. [The hovering copter sht at Taub, who is ht in the head] Taub: Ow! What the hell? House: Negative reinforcement. Chase: What about Foster Kennedy Syndrome? He could have a meningioma or plasmacytoma. Started by pressing on his olfactory nerves, it affects his sense of smell, and now it's growing and pressing on his optic nerve. House: Good. MRI his head, find it. [House sees Cuddy walk through the lobby with some potential donors] Cuddy: Your potential donation… House: (to Dominika) Hey, hey. [House flies his copter down toward Cuddy on the main floor] Cuddy: …Have an immediate impact on our community. We could extend the hours… (She sees the helicopter flying toward her) Mrs. Weston: Something wrong? Cuddy: No. I just think maybe it would be a better idea to have a tour of the clinic first. It's right this way. [House zooms his copter in on Cuddy and fires a sht, which hits her in the stomach. He then circles the copter around and knocks over a vase of flowers sitting on the counter. The vase falls to the floor and breaks. Cuddy looks up at House who actually looks rather embarrassed] Mrs. Weston: (as the vase hits the floor) Oh… Oh! Oh! Cuddy: (trying not to be fazed by House’s antics and leading the donors toward the clinic) Uh… We have several patients that are children, and we find that it's important to give them the opportunity to play to make the hospital a less intimidating place. [Cut to Taub and Chase in a control room. They are doing the MRI on Danny’s head] Danny: (from inside the MRI) M-my dad used to lock me in a closet, and it… and it feels like I can't breathe. Taub: (to Danny) We need you to stay still. Chase: Give him a break. Taub: You want him squirming around? We'll have to do it twice. Chase: I want you to show him a little respect. Taub: You really think this kid can turn his life around? Chase: He believes God gave him a second chance. That kind of belief can be powerful. Taub: Masters doesn't surprise me. He plays the fellow med student who dreams of being a doctor and reels her in. But you, falling for his deep connection with God? Chase: He has hope. After all he's been through, it kind of makes me root for him. Taub: We don't even know who he is, except that he lies about who he is. The bit about his abusive father is probably all made up. Chase: And he faked the scars? Taub: He's a punk. Probably got into a lot of fights. And he sucked you in using the dad story. Danny: I don't think I'm feeling very well. (Taub sighs) I think I'm… [Danny vomits inside the MRI] Taub: He's vomiting. Chase: Should I ask him to stay still while he does that? (They go to get Danny out of the machine) [Cut to the radiology lab. The MRI scans are up on the wall. House and Dominika are playing ping-pong against Chase and Foreman using the large tabletop light table as a ping-pong table and a roll of bandages held on by clamps for a net. Only Chase and Dominika are playing with actual ping-pong paddles (from the doctor’s lounge?). Foreman and House are each using a book as a makeshift paddle] Taub: He has two dark spots in the parietal cortex. They're not tumors… Maybe some kind of, uh, injury or inborn defect. Masters: Apparently he was clinically dad for several seconds when he O.D.'d. The dark spots could be brain damage from oxygen starvation. [The game stops temporarily when the balls goes off the table on House’s side. He picks it up] House: Except it's not. I've seen MRI imagery like that in schizophrenics. (back to the game) Three serving two. [The ping-pong game continues] Masters: But schizophrenia doesn't explain why his blood pressure skyrocketed, and he threw up in the MRI. Chase: Panic attck. He's claustrophobic. He was fine once we let him out. Foreman: The dysosmia and tunnel vision could be hallucinations. Taub: Except, as was already covered, he was screened for mental illness down in the E.R. [House slams the ball over the net. Both Chase and Foreman miss it] Dominika: (clapping) In your head! House: It's "face." Dominika: On your face! House: Close enough. The E.R. docs missed it, because he didn't present with major symptoms yet. We're seeing it in its infancy. Masters: So we treat him, and then what? He becomes just another schizophrenic homeless man wandering the streets… We have to help him. House: I'd love to, but I got four million other crazy people ahead of him on my to-do list, along with milk. [Cut to a brief evening sht of PPTH at night and then to House at his desk, wearing his glasses and reading a journal. Wilson enters] Wilson: You two spent months trying to figure out a way to date and not have it affect your working relationship. Now you need to do the same thing for not dating. House: No, I don't. Wilson: This is serious. Did you know that she's… House: She's dying of guilt and feels horrible for dumping me. It's great. I mean, not the dumping part, but the part where she'll now let me do whatever I want. Wilson: So you're just trying to punish her? She feels bad, and your only goal is to take advantage? House: That's not true. I got plenty of goals. (taking off his glasses) One of them is a 60-inch flat screen right there. (He nods toward the wall in front of his desk) Wilson: You're a lot of things House, but you've never been a sadist. You're pummeling an opponent who isn't fighting back. [Cut to Masters hanging up the phone at a nurses station. Taub approaches and they head toward Danny’s room] Masters: I already gave him a second dose of Clozapine. You don't need… Taub: I'll bet you 50 bucks his favorite sport is hockey. Masters: How could you possibly know that? Taub: Just a hunch. [They enter Danny’s room] Taub: How you feeling? Danny: My arm kind of hurts. Taub: I'll talk to the nurse about upping your pain meds. [Taub pulls a pen shaped like a hockey stick out of his pocket and begins to write something on Danny’s chart. Danny notices the pen] Danny: Hockey, eh? Taub: Oh, my nephew bought it for me… knows I'm a huge fan. Danny: I hate hockey. Masters: If this is schizophrenia, you're gonna need regular care. I found some shelters that have full-time medical staff and also offer… Danny: Oh, my arm really hurts! Masters: Let's have a look. Danny: Ow… It feels like it's on fre! Taub: We need to take a look under the bandages. Danny: (holding up his unbandaged arm) Ow! No, no, no. Not that one, this one! [Cut to a monster truck with “Colossus” written on the side, pulling into the PPTH parking lot. It stops and House calls out to the team, who have obviously been alerted to its arrival] House: Ahoy there, me hearties! Permission to come aboard. [House throws a rope ladder out the window] [Cut to House and the team driving down the road in the monster truck. Chase is the only one who looks like he is having fun. Taub looks terrified. Foreman and Masters are just hanging on for dear life. Motorcycle Song by the Binges is playing loudly throughout this scene. House and the team have to almost yell to be heard by one another] Masters: Danny said his left arm felt like it was on fre last night. We assumed it was a schizophrenic delusion, but… House: It's not. He's on Clozapine. He'd be getting better, not worse. Chase: Sounds like regional pain syndrome. Has to be a genetic disorder. Foreman: Would you slow down! You're gonna get us arrested. Taub: I wouldn't worry about it. We'll probably die first. House: Don't make me take my shoe off! Foreman: We need to run his DNA. He could have early onset of Parkinson's. House: Or cortical-based ganglionic degeneration or Huntington's or any one of a dozen other genetic diseases. Masters: Hey, if you let us out, we can start testing. House: If we're gonna test for them all, it'll take weeks. I'm not canceling my honeymoon to treat this kid. Taub: It's a fake marriage, but a real honeymoon? House: Most are. Foreman: Danny could also die before we get through testing for all the possibilities. House: So we cheat. Since it's genetic, daddy or mommy's got it too. They're either sick or dad. Masters: He doesn't know where his mother is, and he won't tell us where his father is. [House slams on the brakes at a red light throwing everyone forward] House: He's a homeless ex-junkie. Are you telling me that you four geniuses can't outwit him? Green light! (House floors the accelerator, throwing everyone back against their seats) [Cut to House sitting behind his desk, busily engaged in writing something. There is a large cardboard box sitting on the floor in front of the desk and a large screen TV on the wall. Taub walks in and looks at both the box and the TV] House: Cuddy got it for me. And now I'm drafting a request for a study into the effects of caffeine involving an Italian espresso machine and a massage chair, so make it quick. Taub: I found Danny's father. House: Well done. Taub: The kid said he was in a state-sponsored rehab last November. There's only one Danny Jennings that was in treatment at the time, and he listed his father's address as his primary next of kin. House: The "well done" was for making it quick. Now I'm gonna have to take that back. Taub: He lives about 30 minutes from the hospital. House: And the reason you're continuing to talk instead of driving there? Taub: Chase and Masters are already on their way. (Taub pauses and House looks up at him) Why didn't you ask me to be part of your wedding? House: You are genuinely upset at being mockingly snubbed by a mock wedding? Taub: Is it because I haven't been here as long as them? Or is it that you really don't like me? Or are… are you just s-screwing… [A hand comes up from behind the desk and grabs hold of House’s arm. A second later Dominika appears from below the desk] Taub: Um… I'll… I'll come back when she's finished. House: She is. (Dominika puts some tools on the desk) Oh, my God! W-what did you think she was doing? She's just installing the cable. (Taub leaves as House calls out after him) That's not a euphemism! Dominika: Oh, I feel sorry for the little one. Isn't there something we can do? [Cut to a two story house in the suburbs. Chase and Masters knock on the front door. It is answered by Danny Jenning’s father] Mr. Jennings: Can I help you? Chase: We need to talk to you about your son Danny. Mr. Jennings: Danny? Who are you? Masters: We're his doctors. Chase: We need to know if you, or perhaps his mother, have any family history of genetic disease. Mr. Jennings: Why? What difference would it make? Masters: You may not care about your son, but… Mr. Jennings: Is that what Danny told you when he was in rehab… we didn't love him? Chase: Um, not why we came here. We just want to know if there's any diagnosed genetic disease in your family. Masters: We're trying to make your son better. Mr. Jennings: Better? He died of a drug overdose. We buried him three months ago. (He closes the door on them) [Cut to Danny’s room. Danny is eating a healthy meal. House enters and pulls up a rolling stool beside the bed. He places his fingers on Danny’s neck, feeling for a pulse] Danny: Who are you? House: Shhh! Danny: What are you doing? House: Test. Danny: Who are you? House: The important question is, who are you? Danny Jennings is dad, which means that Danny Jennings has no pulse. You, on the other hand… do. Ergo, you are not Danny Jennings. (House leans his cane against the bed) Or I did the test wrong. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me your real name. Danny: No. House: Hiding your identity… Well, either you're a criminal or a superhero. Danny: I'm not a criminal. House: Awesome. What color is my underwear? Danny: I'm not telling you my name. House: No problem. I just need your father's name. Danny: Forget it. House: Care to tell me why? Danny: He’s looking for me. He supposedly… cleaned up and got sober. And now he… he wants to be a part of my life again. And I can't let that happen. House: You're a big boy now. You still think he can hurt you? Danny: You don't get it. If I ever see my dad again… I'll kll him. [Danny tries to pick up the cup on his meal tray, but can’t seem to grab hold of it] Danny: What's happening to me? House: Well, luckily for you, we don't need daddy to figure that one out. [Masters is waiting for House as he exits Danny’s room. They walk together to the elevator] Masters: Did you find out his real name? House: Cerebellar ataxia. Masters: That's a weird name. House: (pushing the elevator button) The guy whiffed twice trying to pick up a cup right in front of him. That plus everything else… [House takes some pills out of a bottle in his pocket, then, looking at Masters, turns his back on her to put them in his mouth, but he turns back to face Masters before swallowing them] House: Means that we have whittled our list of genetic diseases… (He swallows the pills) All the way down to one… Early-onset Parkinson's. Masters: After everything he's been through, now we have to tell him, "Hey, you have an incurable disease that gets progressively worse." House: You could lie. I'm fine with that. But you'll probably both feel better if you give him Levodopa and confirm with DNA tests. [Cut to Wilson entering Cuddy’s office] Wilson: He's gone too far. He's taking up six handicapped spaces with a monster truck. Cuddy: It's only four, and he's gonna get rid of it after the wedding. Wilson: And the chapel… He's turned the chapel into his own personal catering hall. Cuddy: Who cares? Other than a janitor sleeping off a bender, he's the first person to use it in two weeks. Wilson: Appeasement is never the answer in the face of naked aggression. It won't be long before his tnk are rolling down your Champs-Elysees. Cuddy: I know what House is doing. You, on the other hand… why do you care? He isn't hurting anyone. [Wilson walks to the chair in front of her desk and sits, crossing him arms over his chest] Wilson: You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He needs someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to, when they say no. If you really care about House, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking. [Cut to the hospital chapel. House is watching Dominika arrange some flowers at the front of the room. Cuddy enters] Cuddy: I changed my mind. House: What, you want the fish instead of the chicken? Cuddy: This room is for patients' families, not for doctors trying to defraud the government. House: Oh, so… you've decided to take a moral stand. Cuddy: Yeah. The chapel still has sanctity for some people. House: You're right. I think I saw Blue the janitor passed out in one of the pews last week. Cuddy: It's "Lou," and I would have thrown him out too. House: Well, where are we gonna go? We got caterers staging everything downstairs as we speak. We've got floral arrangements, place settings… Other wedding-y stuff. Cuddy: That's not my problem. House: I sent out the invitations. People are coming here. Cuddy: That's also not my problem. (She turns and walks toward the door, calling over her shoulder as she goes) And I want the TV back. [Cut to Masters entering Danny’s room. She is there to replace his IV bag] Danny: You should just let me die. The world's better off without me. Masters: It's normal. People feel depressed when they get bad news… because it's bad news… Obviously. Danny: I didn't O.D. by accident. I was trying to kll myself. Masters: Why? Danny: 'Cause I've done things… Horrible things. I've hurt people. And when I didn't die, I thought… I thought God forgave me. But he just wanted me to suffer. And I deserve it. Masters: No, (sitting down on the bed) you don't deserve it. Danny: I… I had a girlfriend in college… And I almost klled her. I just snapped. And I started hitting her. And if her roommate hadn't come home… I'm evil. I am just like my dad. We're both monsters. I deserve to die. Danny: I can't… I can't… I feel dizzy. [He loses consciousness and the monitor starts beeping] Masters: (calling loudly) I need a crash cart in here! [Masters performs CPR until the nurses bring the crash cart] [Cut to Masters leaving Danny’s room. House and the team are gathered at the nurse’s station just outside of the room] Masters: His heart is dilated and failing. Chase: And at the rate it's happening, he'll need a new one soon. And there's no way we'll get him on the transplant list. House: What are we missing? Taub: Everything. We know nothing about this kid. Chase: Except that he's gotten worse since we admitted him. House: Why? Taub: Most of our patients tend to do that, unless we cure them. House: Yeah, but why so fast? He had dysosmia for a couple months, never even came here to get it treated. He's just a random burn victim. We get him, boom, he's got tunnel vision, peripheral polyneuropathy, cerebellar ataxia, and now cardiomyopathy. What's different here than, say, living in a filthy state park? Foreman: You think cleanliness is making him sick? Chase: Allergic reaction? We treated him with Vicodin, Clozapine, and one I.V. bag of Levodopa. Taub: His condition started deteriorating before that. [House sees a kitchen worker wheeling a cart full of meal trays down the hall and gets an idea] House: Stop that man! (the worker pauses) I need the meal card for the patient in 243. (House hangs his cane on the cart and leafs through the list of Danny’s meals) He's eating healthy… because he can. Most of the meals in here are vegetarian. (He hands the meal record book back to the worker and takes his cane off of the cart) Adult Refsum disease… Fits all the symptoms. His body can't process the phytanic acid and chlorophyll. It's his healthy diet of green vegetables that's klling him. Masters: So if we change his diet… Chase: We can save his life. House: Run him through a plasmapheresis treatment to remove the excess phytanic acid from his blood. Confirm with gene testing. Okay, I gotta go get married. [Cut to Taub as ring bearer at House’s wedding, which is taking place in House’s apartment. The traditional wedding march is being played on the piano as Dominika follows Taub down the hallway toward House. Wilson and Cuddy stand together with about 20 other people as Taub and Dominika reach House and Foreman, who is standing in as Best Man. House does not look at Dominika as she approaches. Chase is performing the ceremony] Chase: They say true love doesn't exist anymore. Maybe it never did. So without further ado… [Chase gives the ring to House, who hands his cane to Foreman. House puts the ring on Dominika’s finger as Chase speaks] Chase: Do you, Dominika Patrova, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? Dominika: I do. [Cut to Cuddy walking out of the living room and down the hallway] Chase: And do you, Gregory House, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? (Dominika puts a ring on House’s finger) [House pauses as he watches Cuddy leave the room] House: Yep. [The camera view is now from the hallway looking toward the living room. Cuddy stops in the hallway a moment and then goes into House’s bedroom as Chase finishes the ceremony] Chase: Then by the power vested in me by the state of New Jersey just for today, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. [The guests applaud as bride and groom kiss] Chase: Those of you with cameras, please feel free to provide legal documentation. [Cameras flash as pictures are taken of the newlyweds. Dominika looks happy, but House’s smile is forced] [Cut to Wilson entering the bedroom, where Cuddy sits on House’s bed. He sits down beside her] Cuddy: It's okay. I'm just, angry at myself. I promised I wouldn't let this get to me. But it got to me. Wilson: Just say the word, and we will climb out that window right now. Cuddy: I wouldn't give House the satisfaction. Wilson: You see? Things are getting back to normal. Cuddy: Yeah… Normal. [Cut to Masters entering Danny’s room] Masters: Are you feeling better? Danny: So all I have to do is eat the right kinds of food, and I'll be okay? Masters: Basically, yeah. It's pretty limiting, and it is for the rest of your life. But if you follow the diet and get checked up regularly, you should be fine. Danny: Thank you… for not giving up on me. Masters: You're not a bad person. You made mistakes, but we all do. Maybe when you get out of here, you can… go talk to someone… A professional. Danny: Yeah. Yeah, some of those places you suggested had people on staff. You know, I think God really does have a plan for me. And all this… It was just his way of, testing my resolve. And I wouldn't have passed it without you. Masters: See you tomorrow, Danny. Danny: (He stops her before she leaves the room) That's not my real name. Masters: It doesn't matter. [Cut to House’s apartment. The guests are gone and House is watching an old black and white movie on TV. Dominika drops down on the couch beside him and laughs at the movie he is watching. House just sits there, not reacting at all] Dominika: I know this is not real marriage… but I really like you. [House finally turns to look at her] House: I like you too. [Dominika puts her hand on his face and kisses him. He puts his hand on her shoulder, then stops and breaks the kiss] House: I can't. Dominika: Why not? House: I never sleep with married women. I'm going to bed. You can take the couch. [House gets up, and leaves Dominika sitting on the couch, looking confused] [Cut to the next morning. Masters arrives at the hospital to find a crowd gathered around Danny’s empty hospital room. She spots Foreman standing at the nurse’s station] Masters: What's going on? Foreman: Danny disappeared without checking out. [There are FBI investigators searching Danny’s room] Masters: So you called the FBI? [Masters approaches Taub and Chase, who are also watching the proceedings taking place in Danny’s room] Chase: We didn't call them, they just showed up. Danny's DNA… When we sent it to the lab for testing, it set off alarm bells all over the country. Masters: Alarm bells for what? Foreman: He's linked to 13 unsolved mrder in ten different states. Chase: He's a serial k*ller who eats his victims. Taub: And we saved him. [Masters looks devastated] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x17 - Fall From Grace"}	foreverdreaming
Masters: Vagus. Accessory. Causes of edema: A.L.I.V.E. Allergic… ** Masters: Differentials for swollen scrotum: T.H.E.A.T.R.E.S. English spelling. Torsion, hernia… [In the kitchen she continues between mouthfuls of cereal.] Masters: Epididymal cyst. S-syphilis. [Donovan, her roommate enters, putting on her earrings.] Donovan: Enough with the drilling. We're third year. No more exams. Masters: You don't have to face House every day. Donovan: [pouring a cup of coffee] And after today, neither do you. Here's to no more coming home in tears. Masters: It's kind of like coming to the end of an extreme roller-coaster. Even with the terror, nausea, and whiplash. I'm a little sad that it's over. [Masters picks up her empty bowl and cup and the milk carton to put them away. Donovan sorts through some stuff on the coffee table.] Donovan: Let's go. You got your procedure log? Masters: Oh, I'm not quite done. I still have one more lumbar puncture. Donovan: It's due today. Unless you want to blow off becoming a doctor and get another PhD. Masters: I know. I'm gonna get it done. Donovan: I thought you'd have that thing finished like six months ago. Masters: I've been busy. Oh, come on, Cruz. Let me do this. I need it for my log. Cruz: Wait, you aren't done yet? Masters: I've been busy. Cruz: What's in it for me? Masters: The satisfaction that comes from helping out a classmate? [He gives her a “give me a break” look.] How about cash? Donovan: [walking up behind Masters] Have you talked to House? Masters: It's 6:00 am. He won't be in for a few hours. [to Cruz, whispering] I keep a roll of quarters in the car… Donovan: I just turned in my log and guess what I saw. There's an opening in the Diagnostics Department. Cruz: House wants an intern? Masters: He's never had one before. Donovan: You gotta figure he doesn't want an intern. He wants you. [Opening Credits] [Cut to the Diagnostics conference room. Masters enters. Thirteen is fiddling with a TV/DVD setup.] Masters: Uh, you must be Dr… Thirteen. Thirteen: Remy Hadley. Nice to meet you. [The boys enter.] Chase: You're back. Thirteen: Hi. Chase: Hi. [She hugs Chase and Taub then turns to face Foreman.] Foreman: What the hell happened to you? Why'd you lie about going to Rome? House: [loudly, from his office] You'd lie too if you bottomed out, ended up in… drug rehab. [He takes some pills.] Thirteen: Thank you, House, for respecting my privacy. What a perfect reminder that I'm back. Foreman: I didn't even know you had a problem. House: Loved ones are always the last to know. Loved ones and robotic, estranged ex-boyfriends. Our patient is Kendall Pearson. 16-year-old aspiring pirate. [Thirteen passes out copies of the patient file.] Chase: She's that Canadian kid who's trying to be the youngest person to sail around the world. House: Collapsed yesterday during a practice run. Luckily for us, cameras were there. [He hits a button on the remote and an overhead sht of a sailboat with one person on deck comes on the TV.] Corporate sponsors want us to check that's she seaworthy before the clock strikes "you're too old to set a record." Gives us three days. [to Masters] You've still only got one, right? Masters: Uh, last day as a student. Could be simple dehydration. She told the Coast Guard she had felt dizzy. House: Pulse and BP were normal at the time of the rescue. It's not dehydration. What about your internship? You sign up this morning? Masters: [quietly, just to House] Actually, I'm still deciding. [to the whole team] Uh. Maybe she had a seizure and that's what caused her collapse. Thirteen: Coast Guard report says no sign of head trauma. Taub: But what about her back? Look. [He replays part of the DVD] Right before the collapse, she ht the small of her back on the railing. Damaged adrenal glands caused adrenal insufficiencies, which caused the collapse. House: Nice. Blood draws every 15 minutes for four hours. Let's track her cortisol. Masters, there's no hurry. There's no wrong choices. At least, that's what they tell people who make crappy choices. Chase: What's with the sudden interest in her future? House: [Sighs] You know, a blacksmith who spends this much time hammering out a new blade from raw Jell-O… gets curious about who ends up wielding it. Foreman: No reason to be curious unless you're interested in wielding it yourself. You want her to intern here. Taub: And you're considering this? Masters: Before I make my decision, I still have one more LP I need to get. So I'd like to go to the E.R. House: Thirteen, why don't you take Masters to do the blood draws. You can remind her about all the perks of working for me. [Cut to Kendall’s room. Paige, her mother, is showing her pictures of the boat — sailing flash cards.] Kendall: Behind the deck. Port side. Thirteen: If her adrenal hormone levels are consistently low, we'll replace them. You'll be ready to launch Thursday. [She starts to do the first blood draw.] Kendall: Great. Inside cabin facing the bow. [Kendall’s dad dashes in.] Bobby: Sorry, K, I need to borrow mom. Paige: The sponsors? Bobby: No, Couric's people kicking up a fuss about rescheduling the interview. [Paige leaves with him. Kendall looks disappointed.] Masters: I can take over. [She shows Kendall the next picture.] Kendall: Ceiling of the galley. Masters: Right. The last time I was on a boat was my freshman mixer in college. I didn't so much mix as hurl. Kendall: Too much to drink? Masters: No, I was 13. Kendall: And in college? Masters: Yeah, I know. Weird. Kendall: I was thinking "cool." Thirteen: We'll be back for the next blood draw in 15 minutes. Unless, of course, you'd like to stay and continue bonding over your lost childhoods. Kendall: Listen, I have a ton of prep work to do to be ready to launch. Is there any way we can speed the tests up? Thirteen: Mm, I'm afraid not. Masters: Unless you're up for getting on a treadmill. We could stress her body. See if her adrenals respond. It would only take a half an hour. Thirteen: All right. [Masters’ pager beeps. She looks at it.] Masters: It's about an LP. Thirteen: Go. I'll handle this. [Cut to Masters pushing open the door to a patient unit, walking quickly. She sees Cuddy, who is checking a clipboard at the nurses’ station.] Masters: Um, Dr. Cuddy, can I come by your office later? I'd love to get some advice. Cuddy: Uh, I-I'm in meetings all afternoon. Try me tomorrow. [She starts walking away. Masters trots to catch up with her.] Masters: Tomorrow? This is… this is my last day as a medical student. So I've got this decision to make. Probably the biggest decision of my career. Which means maybe the biggest decision of my life. Although, I guess, if I get married… Um, House has opened up an internship. Cuddy: You do realize if you take it, he'll probably end up fring you again? Masters: He's always hired me back. Cuddy: And he'll continue mocking and insulting you whatever chance he gets. Masters: It's certainly toughened me up. You're trying to get me to say good things about him. Cuddy: No. I'm trying to make you make your own decision and leave me alone. Working with House is great. And it sucks. Often simultaneously. Most people can't work in that environment. Question is… can you? Masters: Thanks, Dr. Cuddy. [Cuddy gets on the elevator and leaves. Masters turns and runs down the hallway.] [Cut to a treatment room. Masters enters as Cruz does the lumbar puncture.] Masters: You paged me down here and now you're doing my LP? Cruz: I got bored waiting. Masters: It's been two minutes. This is your 11th. Cruz: 14th. Listen, your roommate, is she hooking up with that resident? Masters: I got to find House. [Cut to Masters entering Diagnostics. The blinds in House’s office are drawn. She peeks in. There’s a note “Masters — I’m in the ER — House” standing on his desk. A chicken clucks. A red chicken that is standing on House’s desk, next to the note. She looks confused as she drops the blinds.] [Cut to the ER. As Masters approaches a curtained patient bay, Thirteen can be heard.] Thirteen: Rehab? Great cover story. Now I can't ever drink around those guys again, thus eliminating my main bond with Chase. House: Save the attitude for someone who didn't just get you your medical license back. Price you pay. [House pulls the curtain back.] Masters: There's a chicken in your office. House: No, there isn't. Masters: You lied about rehab? Thirteen: Oh, great. House: Relax. She's completely honest, but also completely boring. Watch this. Don't tell anyone. Masters: Of course not. [Thirteen leaves. Masters looks into the patient bay.] You did an LP? Why didn't you page me? House: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to do one of those? You should've spoken up. You want the job or not? Masters: Um, I… after careful consideration, I have decided to accept your offer for an internship. [House hand her his cane and pulls a pen out of her lab coat pocket. He writes in her log and hands it back to her.] House: Great. My department has a slightly different procedure log. Masters: Uh, you forged the last one. I only did nine LPs. House: Do you know how to do an LP? Masters: Of course. House: Do you know how to do nine LPs and say it was ten? It's time to grow up. Turn that in, the job's yours. [Her pager beeps] Stop staring blankly and go. No doubt something horrible has just happened to our patient. [Cut to the team walking down the hall.] Thirteen: Her hand turned completely blue during the treadmill test. We put her on vasodilators. Restored enough blood flow so she won't lose any fingers. Foreman: Rules out adrenal insufficiency. [They reach the Diagnostics office.] Where's House? He said to meet him here. Masters: His chicken's gone. Chase: Probably on the balcony. Masters: You knew he had a chicken? How come—? House: Down here! [House is by the elevators. He’s looking at the floor and taking baby steps.] Loss of consciousness plus she's slowly turning blue. Can we rule out magical gum? Chase: Low cardiac output can cause both. Patient possibly has cardiomyopathy. Possibly caused by Mercury poisoning from all the tuna fish she eats at sea. [House has a stamp on the bottom of his cane. He is printing chicken footprints on the floor. He re-inks the stamp.] Masters: Uh, why are you putting, um, chicken footprints on the floor? House: That clever bastard Wilson got a hold of an Australorp. [They all look confused. Masters tries to pretend she understands.] Masters: Ah. House: Hello? The quietest and calmest of all the chickens. Taub: Damn him. Mercury poisoning is out. Red blood cells have normal morphology. [House checks his handiwork. The prints are in a straight line, coming from Wilson’s office.] Thirteen: Raynaud's. Vasospasm in the ulnar artery would explain the hand. Foreman: But not the loss of consciousness. Cerebral vasospasm explains both. House: Cerebral vasospasm makes sense. Take Thirteen. Give the patient a calcium channel blocker infusion in the basilar artery. [He sees the log in Masters’ hands.] Masters. I thought you were going to turn that in. Masters: Um, I, um, been busy with my patient. House: You're not busy now. [Standoff. She leaves.] Bawwwwwwk bawk. [Cut to the hallway outside the Office of Medical Education. Masters stands there, toying with her log. She sighs and turns away. She bumps into her roommate. They walk down the hall together.] Donovan: Masters. Still haven't turned in your log? Masters: Still haven't gotten my tenth LP. Donovan: I was thinking maybe you should take House's internship. Masters: First you act like it's the equivalent of volunteering to be waterboarded and now you're supporting it? Donovan: You're weird. You make paper airplanes for fun and hang them from the ceiling. You have a membership to the Einstein Museum and an overbearing obsession with facial symmetry. Masters: It indicates freedom from disease. We're biologically programmed to— Donovan: The point is you rub people the wrong way. But House is okay with your lack of bedside manner. He's okay with your willingness to argue any point with anyone even if they outrank you. He's okay with your peculiar fashion sense. Masters: It's peculiar? Donovan: House doesn't think you're weird, which is weird, but good weird. [She looks past Masters.] Is that a chicken? [Masters turns. There’s a white chicken in the hallway.] Masters: I think it's an Australorp. I'm gonna go check on my patient. [Cut to a treatment room. Thirteen and Foreman are treating Kendall.] Masters: Can someone please explain to me what House and Wilson are doing with those chickens? Thirteen: They have a bet to see who can keep a chicken in the hospital the longest without getting busted by security. Advancing past the vertebral artery. Masters: And why are they doing this? Foreman: The place they bought them only had one pig. I'm glad you're gonna be sticking around after today. Masters: Really? You want me to stay? Foreman: It's good to add a different perspective to the department. Someone who still remembers there are rules other than House's. Masters: If I don't play by House's rules, he won't let me in. Foreman: Find a way around them. Masters: I'd have to lie to him, which is still lying. Thirteen: Lying about a lie, that's practically telling the truth. Catheter's in. Start the calcium channel blocker drip. Masters: Means I need another LP. Thirteen: Luckily, I know where you can get one. [to Foreman] You good here? [to Masters] Let's go. [Cut to Masters giving Thirteen a lumbar puncture.] Thirteen: Mm. Decent stick. Very smooth. Masters: Sounds like you've had a few of these. Suppose that comes with the territory. Thirteen: I have Huntington's. No need to get hushed and solemn about it. Masters: Why are you lying about rehab? Thirteen: Because the real reason I was gone is not something I want to share. Masters: Couldn't you just say that? Should be enough for Foreman and the others. Thirteen: [amused] How long have you worked here? House's people have personalities that range from nosy to "pardon me while I do this cavity search." Masters: Do you think there's room for someone who does things differently? Thirteen: No. Not unless House decides that's what he wants. [Cut to House’s office. Foreman is showing House a radiology film.] Foreman: During catheter removal, I got a good look at her cerebral midline. Pineal gland is calcified. Thirteen: Case closed. I'll start her on hormone therapy. Ship her out. [She starts to leave.] Masters: I handed in my log. House: On your way to do that, did you happen to stop and give Thirteen an LP? Thirteen's stiff gate, small pupils, and the raging headache she's hiding gave you away. Masters: Yes. And I still broke a rule. House: My rule. Told you to defy the man. Not this man. Masters: Why is it so wrong that I don't like to cheat? Thirteen: Can we go? House: No. Not liking it is fine. Not doing what you don't like makes you an eight-year-old. Wastes your potential. [He sits at his computer and starts typing.] Masters: You want me to be like you. It's not going to happen. House: That's the last thing I want. 'Cause then neither one of us would be exceptional. Masters: You think I'm exceptional? House: Not anymore. Masters: I can do my job without compromising. [He clicks the mouse and turns to face her.] House: No, you can't. 'Cause I'm not gonna let you. Internship's gone. It's time for Masters to say good-bye. Enjoy being a surgeon. You'll be fine. [Cut to Masters’ bedroom, the next morning. The alarm rings. Masters turns it off, clears her throat and starts her morning routine.] Masters: Surgery. Anatomy. Branches off the subclavian artery. Vitamin C and D. V-I-T. Vitamin. V: Vertebral. I: Internal carotid — internal thoracic. Internal thoracic. T: Thyrocervical. C: Costocervical. [Cut to Masters standing against a wall, smiling. A camera snaps. She takes a few steps forward and looks at the computer where her hospital ID is being made.] Masters: Martha M. Masters. That's me. I'm gonna be a surgeon. Guard: Next. [Cut to the area outside the OR.] Simpson: Welcome to your surgical internship at P.P.T.H. The senior residents stand behind you. We'll all get to know each other soon enough. Grab a donut and get to work. Resident: We're out of donuts. Simpson: Then, uh, get to work. [Cut to the OR. Masters is in the back row, observing Simpson work.] Simpson: Little oozing. Isolated the left subclavian. Resident: Suction. Simpson: You got to do better than that. Can't see a thing. Masters: Push calcium chloride. It will supercharge the platelets and increase the clotting. Simpson: Two amps calcium chloride. Tell the blood bank to set up three units of packed red cells. Field is clear. Nice. [Cut to the OR prep room. Masters is reading the surgery schedule on the wall. Simpson comes out.] Simpson: Generally speaking, pledges aren't supposed to talk unless they ask a question. That's because, generally speaking, pledges don't have anything to say. Masters: Um, K.P. Is that patient Kendall Pearson? I thought she was discharged. Simpson: Mm. It's a House case. I never know what that guy's up to. I want you to scrub in on my lung harvest. Masters: But it's my first day. Simpson: Yes, I know. I was there. Be scrubbed and ready in 15 minutes. [Cut to the area outside Kendall’s OR. Masters looks then goes up to the observation room.] Masters: What happened? Last I heard, you were going home. Bobby: Kendall collapsed in the parking lot. They're doing something called a "sympathectomy." Masters: She must've had a hypertensive crisis caused by a neural overstimulation in her kidneys. So they're cutting the nerves. It's like cutting the gas line to an engine. Bobby: Yeah, sounds like what Dr. Taub said. Said it's basic surgery, but… Masters: It is. You should still be on pace for a launch in 36 hours. Bobby: Her mom's packing the boat now. I'm supposed to pick up some dry ice. But… Masters: Nothing you can do for her here. Boby: [Sighs] Um… we're just trying to help our daughter reach her dream. Masters: She's different. So you have to be different. I'll make sure she's okay. Bobby: Thanks. [He leaves. Masters’ pager beeps] [Cut to Simpson’s lung harvest. Masters is in the front row, right at the table, this time.] Simpson: You can see the full lobular structure of the left lung. Masters: [Gasps] Bifurcate innominate artery. I've never seen one of those before. Simpson: Hold this, Masters. Resident: Rib spreaders. Nurse Hoffner: You guys okay if I pull a circulating nurse? We got a train wreck in O.R. ten. Simpson: You got it. Proximal end attached. Masters: Can someone take the retractors from me? Simpson: Not really. Masters: I have to use the bathroom. Resident: I know you're a rookie, but you got to be kidding. Masters: I'm not. Simpson: It can wait. [She wiggles and whispers like a kindergartener.] Masters: I'm gonna have an accident. Simpson: Next one in line, grab it. [Cut to the “train wreck in 10,” Kendall’s surgery. Masters charges into the room.] Masters: What's wrong? Foreman: Hypotension. Low cardiac output. Float the swan. House: [from the observation deck.] Don't you have your own surgery? Masters: I took a break. I told them I had to pee. House: You lied. Small one. But it's a gateway lie. Masters: I care about the patient. House: Another lie. You care about being exceptional. Masters: I told her dad I was gonna take care of her. House: A third lie. Welcome to the slippery slope. Taub: RA is 8. Equalization of pressures. Foreman: Means she has restrictive pericarditis. Chase: Add that to a calcified pineal gland. House: When is a calcified pineal gland not a calcified pineal gland? I realize, technically, it's never, but— Thirteen: When it's a granuloma. It's Wegener's. We should start her on steroids. Masters: But she had a high CK. Wegener's wouldn't explain the— Taub: Dehydration does. Masters: Yes. But the calcified pineal could be sarcoidosis. House: You had me at "I had to pee." But Thirteen's right. Start her on three fold immunosuppressants. Masters, if you want to fight me on this, fill out a consult form so you can stick around. Welcome back. Masters: I'm not back! I'll just be staying for this case. House: You got really good at this lying thing. [Cut to OR scheduling area. Simpson is scrubbing up. Masters is holding a clipboard.] Simpson: Hope it was one hell of a whiz. Masters: I ran into Dr. House. He requested a surgical consult for his patient. Simpson: House never asks for a consult. Masters: Something about this case, he needed a little more help. Simpson: First day of your surgical internship, you want to be loaned out to another department. Interesting career move. Drop the form by my office. Don't stay away too long. I'm already well on my way to forgetting you. [He leaves.] [Cut to the locker room. Donovan and Masters are getting ready to leave. Cruz enters.] Cruz: How about I take both you lovely ladies out for a drink? Donovan: I'd love to. Except I think you're a cretin. And the last time she was at a bar was ballet class. Masters: I didn't take — Oh. [snorts] That's funny. I'm gonna stay and run a few extra tests on House's patient. This one lab value doesn't make sense to me. Donovan: You're back with House? Masters: Mm. Just this one case. I'm not staying. Cruz: I would kll for a chance to work with him. Like, literally skin you and wear you as a disguise. [They both stare at him and walk out.] [Cut to Pathology. Masters is alone, running tests.] [Cut to Diagnostics conference room. Masters settles down at the table with some books. She starts when a chicken clucks. She looks at House’s office. There’s a cage on the floor, covered with a towel. She sits starts working, ignoring the clucking.] [Cut to Masters’ lying on the floor, a large book open on her chest. A door opens. Wilson sneaks into House’s office. Master’s props herself up on her elbows. Wilson sees her. They wave. He seems to consider saying something then changes his mind and uncovers the cage. Inside the wood and wire cage there is a yellow bird-shaped thing with a speaker hung around its neck.] Wilson: Oh! [There’s a clunking sound. Wilson goes to the door and rattles it. It’s locked and House is on the other side.] House: You want yours extra crispy or original recipe? [House takes off down the hall as Wilson tries the door to the conference room. It’s also locked. He thinks for a second then runs to the balcony. After a short battle with a tree in a planter, he jumps over the dividing wall and is gone.] Masters: [sitting upright] Chickens! [Cut to Kendall’s room. Masters enters.] Masters: You ever get sick from poultry? Kendall: Um, a few months ago from this pheasant-in-a-can my dad got me as a joke. You think that's why I'm sick? Masters: I think that can was chock-full of a bacteria called salmonella enteritis. Likes to hang out in the bones. Let me know if any of this is tender or painful. [She starts working her hands down Kendall’s right calf.] Kendall: Um, this bacteria thing, is this good news or bad? [Masters flexes Kendal’s ankle.] Masters: Well, if I'm right, that means all you'll need are antibiotics. And you'll be, uh, well, shipshape. Sorry. Couldn't resist. Did you always know that sailing was it for you? That it was the right thing? Kendall: Didn't even start till I was ten. And at first, I was not a fan. Certainly there's plenty not to like about sailing. [She finishes the second leg and palpates Kendall’s right arm.] Masters: But now that you're so into it… Kendall: Oh, no, there's still plenty of things I hate about it. I hate being wet. I hate being cold. I hate eating nothing but freeze-dried food. Masters: That is quite the endorsement. Kendall: Sailing is amazing. But doesn't mean I love every second on the boat. Doing what you love means dealing with things you don't. If there were nothing to overcome, it might not be that— [Winces] Ow. [Masters is working on her left arm, over the elbow. Kendall looks at her and she smiles.] [Cut to Chase and Masters giving Kendall an MRI.] Chase: Salmonella enteritis is a nice catch. Masters: Thanks. Starting on the soft tissue windows. Chase: Once this case is over, you going back to surgery? Masters: That's the plan. Chase: I think that's a mistake. I think you should go back to surgery. Masters: I just said I was. Chase: No. You said it was your plan. Which means House might be right. And you might be lying to yourself. Masters: Would it be so terrible? You chose House over surgery. Chase: My time here changed me in ways not everyone in my life thought was for the better. No masses. Moving on to bone windows. Masters: Were those people right? Chase: I think when you do change, it's not so simple to go back. There. In the humerus. [They look at the image on the screen of Kendall’s humerus.] Masters: Doesn't look like an infection. Chase: That's because it looks like cancer. [Cut to Kendall’s room. Paige and Bobby are there. Masters enters.] Masters: You have lymphoid sarcoma. A cancer in the bone in your arm. Kendall: Am I going to be okay? Masters: It's a treatable cancer. But part of that treatment involves amputating your arm. I'm sorry. Kendall: There's nothing else? Masters: Um.… we can do chemo and radiation after the amputation. Kendall: I don't mean after. I mean instead of. If I leave soon, I still have time to break the record. Bobby: Honey, you can't be serious. Kendall: I feel fine. Last night, they thought it was an infection. Masters: We know it's cancer. We ran the biopsy three times. Kendall: You don't know how fast— Masters: Postponing the surgery could increase the likelihood that the cancer will spread. Paige: Kendall, you need to think about what the doctor's saying. Kendall: I'm thinking about the sail. Like I have since I was ten. Don't take this away from me. It's just a month. I can take extra precautions. I'll Skype you every day and I can fly back if something goes wrong. Masters: She'll be risking her life. Paige: I think we need to discuss this as a family. Masters: You're considering this? Your daughter's condition— Paige: Thank you, Dr. Masters. [Stunned, Masters slowly walks out Paige closes the door behind her.] [Cut to the hallway near Kendall’s room. Masters is waiting. She’s very upset. Bobby opens the door. Masters puts on a smile and goes to him.] Bobby: She's not budging. She wants to launch tomorrow. Masters: She's a minor. You sign the consent form, we can do the surgery. Amputation can be an emo— Bobby: She's talked my wife into agreeing with her. Masters: One parent's signature is enough. [long pause while she waits for him to agree] She needs you to be a parent. Bobby: You're asking me to blow up my family. Masters: I'm asking you to save your family. Bobby: On her first solo Atlantic crossing, she scheduled a court date to become an emancipated minor. She'll do it again and she'll win. She is gonna do what she's gonna do with or without me. I'd rather have it be with. [He returns to Kendall’s room. Masters turns and heads to House’s office. House is in his desk chair, holding a fishing pole with some white feathers on the end. A golden retriever sits on the floor next to him.] Masters: I'm stuck. House: No, you're not. Case is over. You're back to surgery. [He casts off. The lure lands at Masters’ feet.] And fetch. [The dog runs to grab it.] Oh, that's a good boy. Oh, that's a good boy. Hey, good boy. [House praises him in exactly the same voice he used when preparing Rachel for her pre-school exam. The dog brings the lure back to House who fishes a treat out of his shirt pocket and gives it to the dog. He also eats one himself.] Masters: No one will stop Kendall's sail. You need to step in. House: [reeling the lure back in] Sign on the door says I'm a diagnostician. Cool diagnosis means I'm finished. Masters: She could die. House: [casting off again] Pretty sure the law of the land states that everyone has the right to be an idiot. [The dog is staring intently at the lure. He starts to edge toward it.] Uh! [The dog stops.] I think it's the second amendment. Fetch! [The dog bounds after the lure.] Bring it here, boy. Who's a good boy? Masters: You are constantly railing against hypocrisy, forcing people to face the truth. This time nothing? House: [reeling the lure in] Yeah. 'Cause they faced the truth. Masters: And made a decision that will in all likelihood kll their daughter. House: I'm fine with that. I wanted a diagnosis. I got it. What do you want? Masters: I don't want her to die. House: Break the rules. Masters: I can't. House: So coloring inside the lines is more important to you than saving this girl's life? I was wrong about one thing, you are not exceptional. [casts off again] And fetch! Ho ho ho. Oh, that's a good boy. Good boy. Good boy. [Masters stands there, shaking her head slightly.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. There’s a knock at door. Masters answers.] Masters: Dr. Wilson. Um, I'd like to get your advice about a cancer patient. Wilson: Kendall Pearson. Oncology rounds. Everyone's talking about it. Oh. [Wh winces and reaches behind himself.] Masters: Are you okay? Wilson: Yeah, my back's acting up. Masters: Oh. Um… so what would you do? Wilson: I would keep trying to convince her to have the surgery. Masters: And if she kept saying no? Wilson: I would just keep— [winces] Keep — keep trying. Masters: I know there's a chicken under there. Wilson: Oh, thank God. It's pecked through one pair of my loafers. [He pulls his chicken out and puts it on the desk. It clucks as it hops to the floor.] Masters: So that's all you'd do? Wilson: That's all you can do. Masters: Is it? [Wilson grabs for his back again. There’s a loud chicken cluck. Wilson reaches under his desk, pulls out a red chicken and puts it on his desk.] Isn't that House's chicken? Wilson: Disgusting beasts. I don't know why I ever agreed to this bet. Masters: So call it off. Wilson: And lose $20? Listen, House was in the exact same situation Kendall's in. He needed surgery, but he didn't want it. Once he was in medically-induced coma, his girlfriend signed the consent form as his proxy. They went ahead with the surgery against his will. Probably saved his life. Masters: So she did the right thing? Wilson: Depends on who you ask. House: [unseen, from the hallway] Fetch! [The dog runs in, grabs Wilson’s white chicken and leaves.] Wilson: No! No! [Wilson runs out after the dog.] [Cut to the hall. The dog rounds a corner with Wilson in pursuit but he stops in front of the Diagnostics department as the dog heads around another corner.] Guard: Excuse me. Who's responsible for this chicken? Does anyone know who owns the chicken? [Wilson comes back. The red chicken has wandered out of his office and is standing in the hall.] Wilson: [loudly and clearly] That bird belongs to… Dr. Gregory House. [The chicken clucks as Masters watches it all then walks off.] [Cut to Masters concentrating hard as she makes a red paper airplane. She flies it toward a chair where four or five airplanes have already landed.] [Cut to Kendall’s room the next morning. Masters has an IV bag in her hand.] Masters: You need to do this surgery. Kendall: I will. Masters: Now. Kendall: We've been through this. I'm leaving today. Masters: It's a stupid record. Kendall: It's not about the record. I used to race against other people. I could have the slowest boat in the fleet and I'd win. Masters: So it's about being better than everyone else? Kendall: It has nothing to do with anybody except me. The other racers would think I was crazy. I'd set off on some tacking angle that made no sense to them because they couldn't see what I saw. I could sense the changes in the wind before they even happened. At the top of the game, you play by different rules. Masters: [unhappy but nodding] Medicine's gonna burn a little bit. [She hangs the IV] [Cut to Diagnostics. Masters is sitting at the table, tapping her pen impatiently. Her pager beeps. She grabs it and runs out.] [Cut to Kendall’s room. Alarms are going off.] Foreman: Bradycardic arrest. Third degree heart block. Chase: Likely paraneoplastic syndrome. Foreman: We need to get her to the O.R. For pacemaker or plasmapheresis. [Masters sees Paige and Bobby coming down the hall. She grabs a clipboard from the foot of Kendall’s bed and goes to meet them.] Paige: What's going on? Masters: The cancer is causing her heart to slow down. We have to get her to the O.R. and treat her. This is what I was worried about. If this had happened at sea, she would be dad. Paige: Oh, my God. Masters: We need you to sign the consent form. Authorize us to amputate her arm. [Bobby and Paige look at each other. Paige nods. Bobby takes the clipboard and signs. Masters exhales audibly.] [Cut to Masters running into the OR.] Chase: Subclavian access established. Taub: Temporary pacer ready. Masters: Don't need it. Push calcium chloride. It'll fix the heart block. Bradycardia was me. Thirteen: You did this? Masters: Parents signed the consent form. Amputate her arm. [The look at each other and get ready.] [Cut to Kendall’s room. She wakes up.] Kendall: What happened? Masters: You had a cardiac episode that required us to bring you into the O.R. That crisis resolved, but— [She looks and sees that her arm was removed above the elbow. The stump is encased in gauze.] Kendall: What did you do? What did you do? Masters: During surgery, we found cancer in a lymph node in your neck. Kendall: So you cut off my arm? Masters: Cancer was already spreading. It had to be done. Kendall: [Crying] I told you I didn't want this. Masters: If we had waited until after the sail was over you would have died. Kendall: [Crying] That record. That was everything. Bobby: It wasn't everything. You have a life. A future. Kendall: You weren't supposed to do this. How could you? Paige: Because we love you. Kendall: I hate you. I hate both of you. Bobby: Okay. [He puts his hand on her head to comfort her. She looks up at him. He hugs her. Paige is next to him with her hand on his back. Masters turns to leave.] Kendall: My arm. My arm. Paige: Dr. Masters, thank you. [Cut to Masters lying awake in bed in the dark. Her alarm rings. She doesn’t move.] [Cut to House entering his office. Masters is sitting on the ottoman with her chin in her hands.] House: Someone has got their pouty face on. Masters: I did things no doctor in their right mind would do. [He drops his backpack on his desk and pulls some cash out of his pocket.] House: Good. Masters: I manipulated, lied, forged, stole. House: I don't want to know the specifics. Might be called to testify. [He leaves. She follows, continuing the conversation as they walk down the hall.] Masters: I broke the rules because I believed I was right. House: You were right. Masters: Then why don't I feel good or satisfied? Instead, I just feel like throwing up. House: And you're following me to ask how I break the rules and maintain my rosy demeanor. [He knocks on Wilson’s door.] Masters: I didn't do it to be happy. I just thought I would be. House: Well, you can't always get what you want. [Wilson opens the door and House hands him a twenty.] To the victor of the spoils. Your bird recover okay? Wilson: Physically, yes. Emotionally, it was a long night. Next week: Ferrets? [He closes the door.] Masters: House. I can't do it. I'm leaving. House: Surgery? Masters: I… don't know what I'm going to do. But I do know I don't want to be here. House: Nothing will ever be simple again. Masters: I'm fine with that. [She turns away and walks down the hall, crying a little, head held high. “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” starts in the background.] Masters: Ooop.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x19 - Last Temptation"}	foreverdreaming
Cyrus : Jennifer Williams? Woman : And you are? Cyrus : Cyrus. Cyrus Harry? You used to call me Cy if it's — if it's really you. (The woman tries to close the door.) I–I'm trying to find the Jennifer Williams I knew 23 years ago. We spent a long weekend at the Jersey Shore? She was visiting a friend… (She closes the door. Cyrus looks distressed and walks back to his car. He gets a paper out of his pocket and crosses a name on it. Several names are already crossed. The car is a long, white limousine waiting with a chauffeur and a guitar player. Two large, standing floral arrangements have been placed on the lawn.) Phil : That lasted longer than usual. Cyrus : That's it for Lansdale. Pack it up. Let's move on to Philly. (Phil takes the bouquet, groans and start to remove the bushes.) Seriously, you gonna complain? How many limo drivers are making six figures? Phil : Cy, you're my little cousin, and I love you, and you've been more than generous. I'm upset because you are wasting your time over some faded memory when there is a world of pleasure out there. The kind of cash you got buys a lot of it. (Phil goes to the back of the car, Cyrus does not move ; he looks sick.) Come on… be like that. I've just been driving around all day. I'm a little cranky. (Cyrus stumbles and fall.) Hey! Cyrus : My leg won't move. (The blonde woman gets out of her house. Phil shouts to her.) Phil : Are you gonna stare, or are you gonna call 911? ROLL CREDITS (Cut to PPTH diagnostics department. The team is sitting and House hands them files.) House : Partial paralysis. Head CT and LP showed nothing. Spinal MRIs and EMG were clean. Brain symptom, yet nothing seems to be wrong with his brain. (He makes coffee.) Chase : Refrigerator mechanic, no family, in and out of work. Taub : He just won $42 million in the state lottery. I think I read about this lucky bastard in the paper. House : You sure you don't mean the lucky bastard whose grandkids snorted his winnings till he drank himself to death with drain cleaner? Or the lucky bastard who was found naked and penniless in a strip club parking lot with his winning number tattooed on both testicles? Thirteen : Neuro-otological pathology could have caused loss of balance. House (he sits at the table) : Calorics were normal. Taub : Sure, some people will screw up anything, but some won't. That kind of cash, he has a chance to turn a miserable life around. House : Miserable stays miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets in the first place. Thirteen : Our level of happiness is set. It's in our DNA. No cash payout's gonna change that. House : It's like there's two of me. Foreman : The guy repairs appliances. He's probably got toxic brain damage from years of working with toxic chemicals. Taub : Or his sudden disease came from his sudden millions. He's buying something, collecting something, ceramics, precious metals, which gave him atherosclerosis of his carotid arteries. (Cuddy has entered during this speech and faces House from the other side of the table.) Cuddy : My mother's lawyer called. She's thrat to sue the hospital over our mistreatment of her. Says it slowed her recovery. House : You know,I was just thinking how much I want a relationship with no sex, but where I still have to deal with your mother. Go to the patient's old workshop. Look for causes of toxic brain damage. Go take a new history, and see if there's any lifestyle changes that would explain atherosclerosis. (To Cuddy, while moving to his office) Go. (House enters his office, Cuddy follows. He pops a pill.) Medicinal. I'm expecting a shting pain in my ass. Cuddy : My mom and I got into a fight. Because of our replacement hip replacement, she can barely get around her own house. I told her she has to live with me while she recovers. House : Oh, I'm starting to get the connection. Yeah, she has a house, my name is House. Cuddy : You're the doctor that treated her, that illegally switched her meds after she fired you, that went behind the back of her actual doctor. House : Those beads from Thailand. (Cuddy gives him a non-understanding look) If we're listing all the things that you pressured me into. Cuddy : : The point is you're the one who's on the line here, whose name is on her hospital records. House : Whose name is on her name? Cuddy : Fine. We're both on the line, but she won't discuss this with me alone. She and her lawyer want to meet with both of us for settlement talks. I need you in that meeting acting nice and respectful while I defuse this stunt. House (getting up from his desk and leaving the room) : Yeah well, I'm not going to that meeting, so I'm guessing you're cool if I'm not nice and respectful either. (Cut To Cyrus's room. Phil is helping him lying back in his bed. Taub is taking a new history.) Taub : Picked up any new hobbies? Cyrus : How's a hobby gonna paralyze my left leg? Taub : If you work on vintage cars or you've taken up painting, the fumes can… Cyrus : No cars, no paints. Taub (watching around, looking at multiple bouquets in the room) : You're a popular guy. Cyrus : Popular wallet. Three years ago before I had a dime, I had my appendix out. Phil was there. No one else even called. Taub : What about drugs? Cyrus : No drugs. Look, I've seen all the documentaries, I've read all the articles. I'm not gonna be a tabloid cliche. I know what I'm gonna do with my money. Phil : Find and build a life with the one woman I ever cared for. Cyrus : The point is nothing's changed. I live the same life. I eat the same food. Phil : Same crappy canned food. Taub : How many of your meals do you eat from a can? Cyrus : Most of 'em. I'm used to it. I order 'em by the case online. Is that bad? (Cut to Cyrus' ex-workshop.Chase and Foreman are investigating.) Chase : You're worried about the trickle down effect of Cuddy versus House versus Cuddy. Foreman : You're reading subtext into my silence? Chase : House gets to you more than anyone. Foreman : House thinks I'm a robot. You think I'm a wuss? Chase : No, no, no, no. I think you're repressed. Well, it's out of your control. Tough childhood, strained relations with your family. Can't be easy trying to succeed in a white man's world. Foreman : First of all, white man, I've done at least as well as you have. Second, I didn't think you take House's view that life sucks and we're stuck. Chase : I think you're stuck. Last month or so I've turned my life around. I'm happier than ever. Foreman : Sleeping with ten women instead of four? Chase : Try none. (Foreman looks suspicious.) He was cutting metal… inhaled the dust? Foreman : Unless he was snorting lines of the stuff. None? Chase : Was having tons of sex, and I was bored, hating myself. Was never gonna be ready when something real came along. Foreman : So you're becoming some kind of super monk, and I can't change at all. Chase : I challenge you to go one differential without House or anyone else getting under your skin. Foreman : Since I say nothing gets to me and you won't take me at my word, how am I supposed to prove you wrong? Chase : I guess you can't. I hope that doesn't eat at you. Chase : Off-brand solvent. From China. (Throws it to Foreman.) Made of God knows what. (Cut to PPTH lobby, with the team following House to the elevator.) Taub : Patient eats cheap canned goods by the caseload. Could be metal poisoning? Chase : He also worked with cut-rate chemicals. Could be inhalation of a toxic volatile substrate. Thirteen : Treatment for both is chelation. House : Great work. Alkalinize his urine and force diuresis for heavy metal poisoning. If that doesn't work, put him on dialysis for toxic inhalation. Thirteen : I just said treatment for both is chelation. House : And I said force diuresis and try dialysis. You need a transcript? Foreman : You want to put him on dialysis, risk infection and hemodynamic swings when we can just chelate? Chase : Whoa, whoa. Settle down. House : If we chelate, we're not gonna know what disease he had, which means we're not gonna know if the problem was in his lousy old job or his still-lousy new life. Which for the purposes of a metaphorical argument is very important. Foreman (opens his mouth to argue, then thinks better of it) : Pointless to argue. He's the boss. He needs his puzzle solved. Why bang our heads against the wall? (Taub and Chase are speechless.) House (entering the elevator) : When you're done with the patient, treat Foreman by banging his head against the wall. (Cut to Taub and Thirteen entering the patient's room.) Taub : Where's the dialysis machine? Thirteen : Who cares? Since I ordered chelation. We'll flip a coin, tell House it was one disease or the other. Worst case, he finds out and he's impressed we defied him. (To the nurse wheeling equipment out of the room) I'm sorry. I asked you to remove the dialysis equipment, not the chelation equipment. Nurse : And Dr. Cuddy asked me to remove all equipment. She de-authorized all treatment. Cut to PPTH diagnostics. House is playing with a Vicodin bottle. Thirteen : She won't let us make a move until you agree to a sit-down with the godmother and her consigliere. House : Bitch to king four. Taub : Checkmate. Patient can't use his leg. You have to concede. House : Or I could just knock all the pieces onto the floor. (Cut to Cyrus' room. Thirteen is removing the alarms.) Cyrus : You're discharging me? Taub : We really… don't have a good lie here, so… Thirteen : You got caught in some politics between our boss and his boss, but you'll be out of here 20 minutes tops. Cyrus : I'm not better, but you're kicking me out? Thirteen : Which is why it'll only be 20 minutes. See, the Dean of Medicine acts tough, but she's not really. She'll step in, readmit you. Phil : So you're saying that she cares more about his treatment than the doctor who's actually treating him. Cyrus (sitting up and looking at the door) : Phil, shut up. (A blonde woman in her late 30, wearing glasses, is smiling at him.) Jennifer : Cyrus. Cyrus : Jennifer? Jennifer : It's good to see you. I read about you in the paper, so I hopped the first train from Virginia. Phil : So you read that he struck it rich? Jennifer : He's right. It–it must look weird. It kind of is weird. Well, we're a long way from the third street jetty. I just wanted to see you again and say hi, so… Hi. Cyrus : Hi. I was starting to think I'd never find my… Jennifer : Baby Bear. (Cyrus smiles ; Jennifer smiles and enters the room. They hug, and Cyrus suddenly throws up on her.) Cyrus : Oh, my God. I'm–I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I–I don't even feel nauseous. I don't know why— Thirteen : Your hand is shaking. (She shakes his eyes with a lamplight.) Okay. You're having a focal seizure. Phil : What does that mean? Taub : It means you're not getting discharged. (Cut to House's office, he is lying on his couch, reading Celeb.) Taub : We were right that it's a brain issue, but wrong about toxic inhalation and metal poisoning. Everyone else is waiting— House : That was totally courageous of Khloe to Tweet about her weight gain. Taub : House, I've got a patient with a seizure disorder who can't walk. House (Back to reading) : Another one? Thought we kicked out the last one. Cuddy (entering the room by House's office) : Obviously I'll let you treat your patient. House : What are you doing? We got a patient with a walking disorder who can't seize. No, wait. I'm close, though, right? Cuddy : I wasn't finished. Of course I'll let you treat your patient if you meet me halfway. House (Lying down again) : Well, I guess I'm not finished either. Cuddy : No clinic hours for the next quarter. House : Yeah, three parking spots, next to each other, so I can park diagonally, and three pairs of your underwear. I'm thinking of taking up sailing. Cuddy : Forget it. Treat your patient, don't treat your patient. Come to the meeting, don't come to the meeting. I'm done playing your game. (She leaves.) House : You realize the game is automatically over when the loser loses, right? (Cut to Diagnostics office. Chase is taking Foreman' blood pressure while he speaks.) Foreman : Neurological Lyme disease explains the seizures and the paralysis. House : But not the fact that Chase seems to be treating you. Foreman : He claims he can swear off sex indefinitely. Also claims that I am a boiling cauldron of repressed rage. (Taub smiles slightly.) House (leaning forward, talking intently to Foreman while checking the monitor screen) : Your theory is idiotic. The patient's antibody titers were negative for Lyme disease. And I shared a motel room with your ex-girlfriend. (Foreman's blood pressure remains steady.) Foreman : You make a good point about the antibody titers. House : He's a rock. How's your brother — homeless guy? Haven't heard from him in months! Foreman : I don't know. Wish I did. (No change on the monitor screen.) Taub (checking the patient's file) : Postural hypotension, which could have reduced the blood supply to his brain. House : He'd be a miserable wretch. Taub : Actually, the prognosis is— House : Oh, I'm sorry. No, I just meant his life is gonna unravel. In fairness, that applies to any diagnosis. Why do we do this? Thirteen : It's not postural hypotension. He's not orthostatic. Taub : His life may unravel, it may not. He's not chasing after material things. House : Too bad. He might actually get those. Taub : He's looking for love. Just tracked down an old girlfriend. Thirteen : And she'll never live up to the memory, and the thrill of finding her will wear off, and he won't even be able to dream about being happy. House : Interesting. Thirteen : The patient may have found some long-ago nookie, but it doesn't mean he hasn't had some in the meantime. Herpes encephalitis. House : Explains the neurological symptoms. EEG to confirm, I.V. acyclovir to treat. How's Foreman's BP holding? Chase : Same. House : That's strange, since I unplugged the lead 30 seconds ago. Admirable effort. (Foreman takes the blood pressure device off and starts to leave. House stops him. And I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm scared you might turn green and rip through your own clothes. (They all leave, Thirteen the last. House blocks her way out with his cane.) House : Down on the patient's romance because your own lifespan is shorter than dinner and a movie? Thirteen : You're the one who said miserable stays miserable. House : You keep saying it. Several times a day. Thirteen : I love being back, having every theory you and I share used as proof of my own personal damage. (Cut to the MRI room, where Cyrus and Jennifer are happily chatting.) Thirteen : I'm afraid we'll need you to step out when the EEG begins. The waiting area's just down the hall. Jennifer : I got to catch an early train in the morning anyway. Cyrus : No, don't. (Thirteen start prepping him with electrodes on his forehead.) I'll put you up in a nice hotel, or rent you a furnished place. Jennifer : I came for the night 'cause I wanted to see how you were. Maybe get back in your life a bit, but if I take your money… Cyrus ::What's wrong with a nice place to stay? Unless of course… you don't want to stay. Jennifer : I guess I could keep my motel room another night or two. (They both smile at each other before she leaves the room.) (Cut to House entering Wilson' office, carrying a scan.) House : Need a consult. Did an EEG on my patient. Turns out the reason that prior doctors thought it wasn't a neuro problem is because it's not a neuro problem. The EEG did show signs of metabolic distress. Wilson : Well, scan his abdomen. House : Yeah, let's assume we'd already figured that out on our own, and found a mass on the pancreas. (He hands the scan to Wilson, who takes a look.) Wilson : Mass looks solid. I'd say it's cancer. Paraneoplastic syndrome would explain the neurological symptoms. You need to get a piece of it. Schedule a CT-guided biopsy. House : Yeah, let's assume we'd already figured that out on our own. Wilson : Then what's this consult? House : Why haven't you been yelling at me about the Cuddy twins? Wilson : Because you're doing the right thing. House : Are we talking about the same issue? Is there something I don't know about that I'm responding to appropriately? Wilson : Cuddy wants you in the middle of this. So does Arlene. Because they don't want to face their own problem. Somehow, in your knee-jerk, juvenile way, you tripped and fell into an actual adult response to this. House (sitting down and realizing) : You're right. That was Cuddy's strategy all along. She wanted me to think that she desperately needed me to be there so that I wouldn't be there. (Wilson sighs. House pops a pill.) (Cut to a meeting room. Arlene's lawyer enters and holds the door for her. She comes in leaning on a crutch. Cuddy is sitting and waiting inside.) Lawyer : Where is Dr. House? Cuddy : I didn't want him here. (Arlene's lawyer moves a chair for her to sit.) This isn't about her treatment at Princeton-Plainsboro. It's about the fight we had last week. I'd like a moment with my mother to try and work this out on our own. Lawyer : I'm afraid my client doesn't want to— Cuddy : It's mother's day Sunday. We can't have five minutes alone to fix this? Arlene : Relax. You can still bill me for the time standing in the hallway. (The lawyer leaves.) Cuddy : I know you're mad at me, but you can barely make it up those stairs. How many nights have you spent on your couch? Arlene : This has nothing to do with our fight. Cuddy : We're talking about my home, not a prison camp. Arlene : What did I just say? I think it was something about this not being personal. Cuddy : You can spend time with Rachel. I can watch over you. Win, win. Arlene : Maybe I've got a medical thing. Maybe I just think I'm talking, but no one can hear me, not just my uncaring daughter. Cuddy : What do you want? Arlene : 20 grand. I'll hire help and forget this nightmare you put me thr — make it 30. I'll put in a stair lift. Cuddy : If my board even hears about these thrat, let alone a settlement, they'll investigate what happened while you were here as a patient. House and I could both lose our license. I've been assuming this is personal because I don't want to assume that was what my mother wants. (Arlene remains quiet. House enters loudly, carrying a surgery tray with a hip prothesis inside, which he throws on the table.) Arlene : House. House : Ex-not-mom-in-law. Cuddy : You said you weren't coming. House : After you said pretty please with sugar on top? Problem is we only give store credit, so I say we put your old, cracked poisonous hip back in. Here and now. I saved your life. Happy to un-save it. Cuddy : He is being an ass. If I could join you in suing him— House : She's like this in bed too. Always scheming to get the lawyers out of the room. Arlene (she gets up and leaves) : If House isn't going to take this seriously, I know a few judges who will. House : Was I supposed to be the good cop? (Cut to Taub and Foreman performing MRI.) Foreman : I had to rig the monitor. (Taub tries not to laugh.) I had a lot of salt with breakfast. You think I'm repressed too? Taub : I think you're in danger of being dissolved by your own stomach acids. Foreman : Well, what about Chase? Believe all that nonsense about him being celibate? Taub : Don't know, but I'm rooting for him. Read the studies. The fewer partners you have, the happier you are with your ultimate partner. Foreman : Hmm. Then you're gonna be miserable. Taub : Those studies, it's important that they have a control group. There's the tumor on his pancreas. Foreman : There's one on his kidney and one in his colon. Taub : One looks avascular, one looks vascular. The third looks calcified. Foreman : He has three completely different cancers at once. Taub : On average, not so lucky after all. (Cut to House and Wilson in the elevator.) Wilson : You had to go all Wile E. Coyote on me. House : You told me that Arlene wanted me in the middle of it. I had to show her that no good would come of that. Wilson : Seriously? That's your rationalization? (They leave the elevator and walk to House's office.) How about you didn't like that Cuddy tricked you? Even though you wanted the same thing as her. You didn't like that she got the best of you. You've got more anger toward her than you realize. House : I'm happier without her. I'm not stupidly expecting her to make me happy. I'm happier with my unhappiness. (Pops Vicodin.) Wilson : Do you listen to what you're saying? Because I have to. I'm holding a summit meeting to force you and Cuddy onto the same page before a lawsuit gets filed. (House enters the Diagnostics office. Foreman is wearing the blood pressure monitor again.) Taub : Three completely unrelated cancers at once. Thirteen : Multi-cancer syndrome — Von Hippel Lindau? Chase : Wouldn't have touched his colon. (He checks on the machine, puts his right hand on the Merck's Diagnosis manual and swears.) I hereby certify that Dr. Foreman has not tampered with this blood pressure mechanism in any way. Foreman : And after I prove I'm 100% stress free, do I get to strap you into a chastity belt? Thirteen : What if the patient's missing a tumor-suppressor gene? Foreman : How would we even find it? We need to blast him with chemo now. Chase : We can't give the patient chemo. His platelet count's through the floor. House : Even worse, it'd contain his cancers. If we want to know what they have in common, we got to see where they spread next. Thirteen : You want to wait six months while the cancer spreads and his seizures and paralysis get worse? House : (reasonably) : Well, now, that's crazy talk. But if we pump the patient full of vascular endothelial growth factor… Chase : Foreman doesn't like that idea. (They all check the monitor. Foreman's blood pressure is indeed higher.) Foreman (taking deep breaths, trying to calm down, speaking slowly) : You want to grow more and bigger cancers? House : We can't figure out what three small ones have in common, maybe can figure out what eight big ones have in common? Foreman (glances at the monitor, his pressure is climbing) : Is this idea real, or are you just thrat to kll the patient to screw with me? (No one answers him. His blood pressure keeps climbing. He takes the device off and starts speaking louder and louder.) This whole thing is idiotic. What does it matter what's inside of me if I know how to control it? Thirteen : Makes no difference to us, but you may want to make out a will. House : Go get lotto boy's consent, and turn his cancers up to 11. (They leave, except Thirteen, that House blocks again. He shows her a photograph.) Thirteen : You, what, found my old yearbook, and got a picture of my high school boyfriend? House : Actually, that would have been a lot simpler. No, I took this ten minutes ago. (He steps aside, revealing the guy sitting outside the office, smiling.) Your high school boyfriend who dumped you, leaving you unable to believe that anyone can rekindle an old flame. Thirteen : He dumped me after I hooked up with his sister. House : Would you mind letting him down gently? I might have made promises you can't keep. (Cut to Cyrus' room. Jennifer and Phil are with him.) Taub : We're giving you more cancer. The risks of that are kind of obvious. Thirteen : We'll scan you, run your blood at frequent intervals. We believe this is our best chance at finding the underlying genetic flaw. (They hand him the consent form.) Cyrus : Will you marry me? Jennifer : Don't be stupid. Cyrus : If this cancer overwhelms me, at least I'll die happy here and now, instead of hoping for a future I may never have. I love you. Jennifer : No, you don't. You don't know. You can't know. We both need more time. And I believe we're gonna have it. (Cut to PPTH lobby.) Thirteen : Do you notice she's wearing different clothes every day? Taub : As opposed to the same, Starfleet-issued tunic? Thirteen : She said she came for one night. Why'd she pack for more? Taub : So she stuffed an extra sweatshirt in her bag, or she bought something. Thirteen : Used? She's here because an old beau struck gold. Taub : She turned down a proposal. How long a game you think she's playing? Thirteen : I think if she said yes after 14 hours, even he'd be suspicious. Taub : You're lucky you're hot and smart, because — well, you're just lucky you're hot and smart. (Cut to House entering his office at night. He opens his drawer to retrieve something and notices Foreman on the balcony, folded in two, holding a yoga pose. He joins him.) Foreman (still folded) : I need a hooker. House : Not if you can make that work. (Foreman gives up and sits.) Foreman : How is that supposed to relax you? It's not for me. It's for Chase. House : I'm saving myself too. Maybe you should get a couple. Foreman : You're riding me. Why not ride him? House : Because I can get a rise out of your BP. His pee-pee on the other hand… Forget yoga. Embrace Zen. You're a repressed idiot. He's a horny idiot. Neither one of you can do anything about it. Pretty sure that's Zen. (Cut to a patient's room. House is lying in the bed, eating, in his socks. His portable TV is on. As the camera retreats, we see his shoes at the foot of the bed. A coma patient is lying on the floor. Wilson and Cuddy enter the room, look startled at the view of the patient on the floor, but don't say anything.) House : Thought we were meeting in Cuddy's office. Wilson : And I put one of the radio frequency tagged sponges from the O.R. In your portable television. Cuddy : However much it hurt, I did have a right to break up with you. House : You just want everything to have a hidden personal agenda. Cuddy : You need to get over it instead of torpedoing our jobs out of spite. House : Couldn't just be that you're a pain professionally. Wilson : Stop! You're both at fault here. You for trying to manipulate House when you used to know better, and you for… being you, which is an especially bad idea under the circumstances. House : I had good reasons. Wilson : You had lame rationalizations. Cuddy : If I hadn't played him, he'd have found out about the meeting and crashed it anyway. House : Would have been a lot more efficient. Wilson : Enough! Okay, here's what's gonna happen. Tomorrow I drive both of you to Arlene's. You're gonna write her a personal check for $30,000, and tell her she can stay in her own home with your blessing. You're gonna do this because you actually give a crap about your job and this hospital and your mother, and possibly even House. (To House) And you're gonna say, I'm sorry," and not utter one syllable more. House : Because I'm an idiot? Wilson : No, because if you don't, I'm gonna tell the pharmacy to stop issuing Vicodin prescriptions in my name. House : I'm not paying for gas. (Cut to Thirteen examining Cyrus in his room.) Cyrus : Anything look different? Thirteen : Not yet. Where's Jennifer? Cyrus : She's embezzling money from my Swiss bank account. That's what you think, isn't it? I'm being taken for a ride? Thirteen : I think she wouldn't be here if you were still fixing refrigerators. One random set of numbers doesn't change human nature. Cyrus : Those sets of numbers are what kept me going. Clutching those tickets, thinking about the life I could have, finding Jennifer again. Thirteen : So you figure if one long-sht dream came true the other one will as well? Cyrus : You think you're protecting me. I think you're sad. Can't stand to see somebody happy. (Cut to Arlene's front door. House, Cuddy and Wilson are waiting for Arlene to open.) Cuddy : Mom, here's a check. It's a settlement for all you've been through. Of course you can stay in your home. It was wrong of me to suggest otherwise. (She slips away. Arlene smiles at House, waiting.) House : I'm sorry. That we saved your life. (A bat.) In the way that we did. Wilson : B-plus. I hope this resolves everything. I can tell you that both your daughter and Dr. House— Arlene : This is 30 grand. Wilson : Which is what you asked for. Arlene : This covers pain and suffering. What about the probate lawyer? Wilson : Do you two… Arlene : I have to change my will, leave everything to Julia so this one doesn't try more funny business to get control of my home. Wilson : I'm sure we can toss in another 2,500. Cuddy : Well, I guess I'll have to kll you tonight then. Mom, I'm not interested in— Arlene : You already think you own my body. Why not my home too? Wilson : Everybody stay calm, and— Cuddy : You have to lash out at everyone who tries to help you? Live in your own kitchen sink for all I care. House : Harsh. I didn't think you had a case before, but that is no way to talk to a patient. Arlene : You are right. (She rips the check up and closes the door.) (Cut to PPTH lobby. Foreman and Taub are watching Chase getting friendly with a pretty blonde nurse. While they speak, we can see Chase and the nurse doing exactly what Foreman is describing.) Foreman : Chase has had his eyes on this one for months. Taub : Meaning he has eyes? Foreman : I paid her 100 bucks. When he hits on her — might be tonight, might be next week — she's gonna slap him and storm off. Taub : So your plan is to prove you're both full of crap all in one move? Foreman : First he'll compliment her hair. That's how he breaks the ice. Next comes some kind of joke or story. He's sharpening his harpoon. Taub : Are my moves this predictable? Foreman : She's grabbing his arm. He's going in for the kll. (The nurse leaves Chase, goes to Foreman, slaps him in the face and gives him his money back. Foreman turns to Chase, who smiles and waves at him.) Taub : (pats Foreman's arm) : Don't let it get to you. (Cut to Cyrus' room. He looks worse. Jennifer is holding his hand. Taub is performing an ultrasound.) Taub : Poured a lot of gas on the fre. Ultrasound will give us a good look at the damage. Little more gel. Cyrus : I never made a will. I want to provide for you, if I don't— Jennifer : Stop it, will you? Taub : Like you to hold your breath for a sec. Jennifer : Your money, there's charities, causes. Your family. You got to ask yourself what's mattered to you most year in and year out. Taub : That can't be right. Cyrus : Is it bad news? Taub : No. We've been pumping you with growth factor, but you don't have any new cancers. The tumors you had all shrank. (Cut to Diagnostics office. Chase is setting up the blood pressure monitor. Again.) Foreman : Three tumors disappearing means we were probably wrong about him missing a tumor-suppressor gene. Chase : How many mulligans are you gonna ask for? Foreman : This test is what raised my blood pressure. I'm used to it now. (Deep breaths, waves his arms.) Go. If it's autoimmune and he created antibodies that ended up fighting his own tumors… House : Growth factor would have made the underlying autoimmune condition better. Taub : Maybe it was never cancer in the first place. Foreman (Annoyed) : Of course it was cancer. We biopsied. (He glances at the monitor and calms down.) It could have been a false positive. Thirteen : Amyloidosis? His EKG voltage has been on the low end of normal. What if the tumors were actually protein deposits? House : G.I. biopsy to confirm, chemo to treat. Foreman : She's making that diagnosis based off of low-normal EKG. Low-normal is still normal. (Rising blood pressure) That thing cannot be right. House : Low-normal is still low, and that thing does not have money riding on you being wrong, like the rest of us do. Foreman : Chase fixed this. Thirteen : Oh, I think you're confusing Chase and Foreman. I used to do that all the time. Foreman : I know it's rigged. (Still rising.) Taub : Because you're Mr. Cool? Nothing could possibly faze— Foreman (yelling) : Because I took a beta blocker! (Chase shows him the trick he's been hiding.) Both times, right? His platelet count's still low. Chemo's still a death sentence. Treating for amyloid with normal EKG is like doing heart surgery on a guy because he's ten pounds overweight. It's insane. House : Well, we'll do it your way — go shout at the patient till he gets better. G.I. biopsy to confirm, chemo to treat. (He blocks Thirteen on her way out.) Thirteen : Here's the dirty little secret. I just think we are who we are. And I think lotteries are stupid. (Cut to the Clinic, Yay!!) House (loudly) : Janet… Hemorrhoid? Janet (she gets up nervously and whispers) : That's not my name. It's why I'm here. House (smiling) : Oh, I see. It goes across. We better make this fast, 'cause I'm about to lose my medical license for malpractice. It's nothing unusual. The head of the hospital's about to lose hers too. (Janet leaves hastily. House takes another file. Wilson joins him.) Wilson : I heard Cuddy quadrupled your clinic hours. House : Yeah, but you know what? I'm flying through patients. Wilson : Arlene wants another meeting. House : I know. Told my seconds to tell her seconds that she gets no second chance. Well, technically, it's a third chance, but I don't have thirds. Wilson : Cuddy told her the same thing, more or less. House : So you got us on the same page after all. Wilson : I've been thinking about your irrationality, and I've come up with a rational explanation for it. House : That's quite a challenge. Wilson : You don't want to let go of Cuddy, so you're clinging to the negative interaction, because some small part of you thinks the bad stuff beats nothing at all. House : You're almost making this work. All you got to do now is change reality. Perhaps if I was the one suing me. Wilson : You didn't start it, but you had the chance to end it, and you didn't. You love her, House, and it's human to hang on, but you're blwing up not just your job but any chance of any kind of relationship with her again. (Cut to Cyrus' room. Jennifer is bringing Phil in.) Cyrus : Hi. (He hands Phil an envelope.) Phil : What's that? Cyrus : It's a check. For $10 million dollars. Phil : Uh, I don't know what to say, I mean… You already been so generous. Cyrus : By hiring you? Phil : Yeah. Cyrus : For a whopping six figures? My own blood? Best friend I ever had? (Glancing at Jennifer) Year in, year out. (Phil takes the check and squeezes Cyrus hand. Jennifer cries a little, seems not at ease. She lifts her glasses and rubs her eyes. Thirteen hands her a tissue.) Thirteen : You're wearing contacts under your glasses? Jennifer (she chuckles) : I must have forgotten to take them off when I— Thirteen : They're tinted. Do you change your eye color? Jennifer : Sometimes I like to mix it up. I don't understand. What are you… Cyrus : Wait, you–you don't have brown eyes? Where'd the name Baby Bear come from? Jennifer (She looks startled, then chuckles again) : It's so long ago, I don't… Cyrus (angrily) : It's a birthmark on your left breast in the shape of a bear. You forgot that? (To Phil) It's the one thing I never told you. That's why she doesn't know. Phil : It's not like that. I swear. Cyrus (he looks like he is going to cry) : Get out. Get out, both of you. Phil : Come on, man. Cyrus : Get out. Phil : I'm sorry. Cyrus (shouting) : Get out! Both of you! (Jennifer and Phil hastily leave the room. Cyrus talks to Thirteen, breathing heavily) . You were right. I'm just another lottery fool. My life sucks. It'll always suck. (Alarms start beeping.) Taub : He's crashing. Everything's shutting down. (Thirteen gets an oxygen mask. They start reanimation.) (Cut to the team in the PPTH lobby where House is pacing.) Thirteen : Patient had a cardiac arrest, and his lungs and liver failed before we even started the chemo. House : Brain symptoms that aren't brain symptoms, tumors that come and go? Foreman : It's not amyloidosis. House : You're forgetting alopecia. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were just listing the things it's not, alphabetically. Taub : His long-lost love is a fraud. Thirteen figured that out. House : Good for her. Taub : Decades of menial work, three cancers couldn't make him die miserable. She just did. Thirteen : The truth made him miserable. House : It's like there's two of me. (A fre alarm starts. Cut to the exterior of PPTH, where everybody is gathered — patients, nurses, doctors, firefighters… House is sitting and looks at Cuddy talking to an assistant.) Cuddy : Keep the clinic shut down. But wherever it is, it's isolated to the administrative floor. I'm not gonna evacuate the whole… (She stops talking, the camera pans on a smiling Arlene coming to her.) Arlene : Only way to get the two of you in the same place at the same time. Cuddy : Reopen everything. Readmit everyone. Now. (House joins her, thinking hard.) Arlene : I want you both to know I'm filing the suit today, delivering the paperwork to your counsel's office. Cuddy : You have to be destructive. You have to tear things apart. God forbid you should say what's really on that twisted mind of yours? Arlene : And you're the great peacemaker? Single mom, can't keep a man long enough to cook a meal. Cuddy : You'd be dad if it weren't for our mistreatment. And somehow you'd still find something to whine about. Arlene : We'll let the court decide who's whining since you're so sure— House : We're not getting back together. Cuddy : What are you talking about? House : It's the only explanation. Why she keeps making thr*at without ever filing her stupid, yet completely valid lawsuit. Why she ripped up her will, why she kicked half the hospital out on the street. She wants us united against her. Cuddy : This is her drawing blood over the latest of a long line of imaginary slights. She doesn't care if anyone else is happy for a single— Arlene (shaking her head) : Look at you idiots. Who else is gonna put up with either of you? Cuddy : I asked you to move in. That meant we weren't gonna reconcile. I'm sorry, mom. (She comes an hugs her.) Some things take more than a common enemy. Arlene : Then you're an idiot with impossible standards. (Cuddy turns to House, who is not there any more. (Cut to House entering the patient's room, looking somewhat smug.) House : Common enemy. One way to trigger brain symptoms when there's nothing wrong with your brain have something else turn your brain into a common enemy. You have a teratoma, a usually harmless congenital growth which can be filled with almost any kind of tissue. And, unusually, not at all harmless. If I'm right, yours is filled with primitive cells, some of which developed into brain cells. These foreign cells leaked into your bloodstream. Now, the body is a little xenophobic. It creates antibodies. The problem is, there's not much difference between brain cells in your abdomen and brain cells in your brain. To make matters worse, primitive cells can become almost anything. Grow like weeds. Which means they can turn into tumors, destroy whole organ systems. Taub : But the cancer? House : Was cancer. Just growing so fast it collapsed under its own weight. Cyrus : Am I gonna live? House : Cut out the teratoma, what's left of your cancer, you should be fine. Think of it as your second luckiest day. Cyrus : It's hard to feel lucky. The woman I love was a fraud. House : No, actually a fraud was a fraud. You fell for her just the same. You may stay miserable, but your long-lost love is not gonna be the reason why. (Cut to a musical montage in slow motion) : The blonde nurse sleeping next to Chase, who looks worried ; ♫ Lady, don't throw in the towel ‚ let me dry you off I'll shower, you used to be my little sickling ‚ but now it's me that needs some fixing ‚ ♫ Foreman in the Diagnostics office, checking his blood pressure ; ♫I think about you every second ‚ along with the pain that's through you, reckon ‚ you used to be my little sickling, but now it's me that needs some fixin', ♫ Cyrus is lying in his bed ; another blonde woman enters his room ; he looks incredulous, then there is a hint of a smile ; ♫ what is it about the time and, what is it about the place and, what is it about your face, that keeps me on the line. ♫ Cyrus and the real Jennifer are talking ; the camera moves to Thirteen watching them from the lobby. House joins her and offers her some chips, which she takes. Thirteen : It's the real Jennifer. Or at least the only one to show up who actually has the birthmark. He's renting her an apartment. House : It'll end horribly. Thirteen : Not for him. She may take all his money, and he may be a naive idiot, but… he'll always be hopeful, so he'll always be happy. House : You lost your mother. You euthanized your brother. You got the life expectancy of a pretty good sitcom. If you can convince yourself that you'd be miserable no matter what even without all that stuff, then maybe you don't have to hate the universe for dumping a giant turd on you. Fatalism is your survival mechanism. Thirteen : And you? Dumped by everyone you've ever loved. Rehab was a bust. Your leg feels like somebody took a giant bite out of it. We are who we are. Lotteries are stupid.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x20 - Changes"}	foreverdreaming
Tony: I have been fantasizing about this for months. Glenn: Forget it. We're not here to fool around. Tony: I'm not fooling around. I need this. Glenn: You're an idiot. You know that? [They are standing in front of a round, concrete structure in the middle of nowhere. It’s about 8 or 9 feet high. Tony tosses the picture on top and turns to Glenn.] Tony: Just shut up and give me a boost. [Glenn sighs and cups his hands.] [Cut to Tony on top of the blockhouse. He looks around. It’s very overcast — there’s a storm coming.] Glenn: Hurry your ass up. [There’s the sound of a piece of duct tape being torn off the role. Glenn waits impatiently on the ground. Tony rubs a trapezoidal thing on top of the building. He jumps down. He and Glenn run to their car. The engine starts. The car backs up and they haul ass out of there.] Glenn: Hey, sometimes a guy's got to do what a guy's got to do. [into a two-way radio] Jaguar one to control. Uh, sorry for the delay. Glenn had to take a leak. It was unavoidable. [grins] Target area is clear. Repeat: Target area confirmed clear. [Cut to the trapezoidal thing. Whatever it is, it now has the picture of the woman in the bikini taped to it.] [Cut to a computer center. The same woman, Dr. Lee, is wearing a business suit. Cesar approaches her.] Cesar: Dr. Lee, target area is cleared. Launch vehicle's in range. All systems go. Lee: Thank you, Cesar. Whenever you're ready. [to a couple of military men flanking her] The CT-10's light enough to launch from a UAV, but can penetrate 8 feet of 6,000-psi concrete before detonation. Cesar: [kibitzing on one of the manned computer terminals] bmb's away. Lee: Precision guidance system's not affected by darkness or weather and can ht a 2-foot-wide target from 69,000 feet. General: What about sound? [The target appears on a computer screen. It’s the blockhouse Tony and Glenn were at.] Lee: None inbound at all. We've developed a new fan and a baffling design that— Cesar: Ordnance on target in three, two, one. [The computer guy clicks a button and the blockhouse becomes a huge cloud of black smoke. Lee smiles slightly.] [Cut to Tony and Glenn in the car in a field.] Tony: I feel better already. Glenn: You need to see a shrink. Seriously. [Tony grins.] [Cut back to the computer center. The General addresses Cesar.] General: Well done. [Cesar looks at him then runs past him.] Cesar: Wendy! [Dr. Lee is on the floor, convulsing.] Call 911! [Opening Credits] [Cut to red rubber tubing attached to a table leg. The other end is attached to black, Velcroed strap around House’s right ankle. He’s on his kitchen table doing leg lifts against the resistance of the tubing. He’s wearing shorts and a t-shirt. The scar on his leg is still massive but, after all these years, it’s no longer red.] [House does one more lift, grunting from the effort despite the fact that he doesn’t get his leg very far up. He slides off the table, landing on his left foot. He holds onto his right thigh and breathes through the pain.] [Cut to Diagnostics.] Thirteen: Karma's a bitch. Foreman: You think her seizures are the result of bad karma? Thirteen: I think if you spend your days designing ever more effective ways to blow people up, stuff's bound to come back to you. [Everyone turns to look at House who is downing an entire bottle of water in one breath. He finishes and belches.] House: Thirsty. Side effect of a new antihistamine I'm on. Chase: You don't seem congested. House: Hmm, intriguing. Taub: You have any thoughts about our patient? House: Got some questions about whether Thirteen really believes in karma or just wants to. As for the patient, it's not gonna be easy to break into her office. Might want to start with her home. Foreman: We could ask to look through her office and we could do an MRI first. House: Sure. Go ahead. Taub: If you're not interested in the case, why'd you take it? House: I am definitely interested. Could be a tumor. Could be a CNS bleed. What do you do when you got two interesting puzzles? Taub: Two? [The door opens and Wilson slides in, making a “gimme” gesture with both hands.] Wilson: [loudly and triumphantly] 50 bucks! [normal voice] Pay up. [Wilson does a full end-zone dance with humming, arm gestures and some nice hip action as he turns full circle, ending facing House again.] Wilson: Let's go. Let's go. [Again wiggling his fingers for the money] House: Bet's off. Fight was fixed. [Wilson opens his arms wide in “what are you talking about?” fashion.] That punch barely touched him. Foreman: You bet on Foley to bat Zachary? House: Speed beats power… unless speed has been paid to speedily take a dive. Wilson: He touched him enough to put him on the canvas and the official counted him out, which means you officially owe me… 50 bucks. [As soon as he says the amount, the dance starts again. Wilson is really enjoying this win.] House: We bet on a sporting event. That was not sporting. Less than 30 seconds. That was barely even event-y. Wilson: Okay, here's what I saw. You lost and I won. House: Yeah, well, you can take that to your grave. You're not taking my 50 bucks. Wilson: Prove it. Prove it or pay up. You got one day. And don't make me send my boys out looking for you. [He turns toward the door, stops, and puts up a warning finger, which he points at various members of the team. Quietly] What? All right. [He leaves.] House: So, two puzzles. Tie goes to the one that costs me money. [He grabs his cane and heads for the door.] Keep each other posted. [Chase, Foreman, Taub and Thirteen grin widely.] [Cut to Thirteen and Chase wheeling Lee in for her MRI.] Lee: I've always been healthy. I never even get colds. Thirteen: I guess your luck finally ran out. Lee: [to Chase] I take it she doesn't like people who makes bmb. Thirteen: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Lee: [getting onto the MRI] It's all right. Half of my family feels the same way. Of course they all work on Wall Street, so… Ever since the first 4th of July I can remember, I've always loved explsin. When I got to college and I had to pick a major, figured I might as well pick something I'm passionate about. Thirteen: Destroying things. You weren't passionate about anything else? [Chase clicks the headpiece into place, leaving her to talk through the window framing her face.] Lee: bmb are tools, just like anything else. You can use it to make things better or you can use it to make things worse. I also like romantic poetry and picnics. Is there anything else you want to know before we do this MRI? Chase: Nope. Try to stay as still as possible. This shouldn't take long. [Cut to a diner. House sits down in a booth, across from a black man wearing a hoodie. He has his head down.] House: Hey, how's it going? Foley: You mind? I mean, there are plenty of other seats. House: I'm not here to judge. You did what was best for you and I got no problem with that. Foley: I'm not gonna ask you nice again. Just go away. House: Or what? You're suddenly gonna fall down? Listen. I got a problem. A guy who knows absolutely nothing about boxing, because of you now thinks he does. You can imagine the potential ramifications. I need you to get on the phone with him and tell him you took a dive. Foley: I didn't take a dive. House: Take a picture of you to prove that it was really you and we're done. Just enough to convince him. Not enough to get you in any trouble. Foley: [slowly, enunciating clearly] I didn't take a dive. House: Yeah. That story's getting boring. Look, I'm not from the commission. I'm not some bookie. I'm a doctor. This is my I.D. Foley: Look, if you were a bookie, you'd know no one pays a guy to throw a fight he has no chance to win. I was a 12-to-1 underdog. Lost my last five fights. House: But you were the better fighter. That last punch barely touched you. Foley: You ever been barely touched by a guy who weighs 230 pounds? Look at me. Look where I am, what I'm wearing. Now, do I look like a guy who just got a payday? I didn't throw the fight. I just suck. [House stares at his face, studying it.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. The door flies open and House enters.] House: Ha! [slams door] Proof. [He shoves his open cell phone at Wilson. There’s an extreme close-up of Foley’s face on it. Wilson takes the phone, looks at the picture and scoffs.] Wilson: Just because he wasn't ht in the face— House: Look at his pupils. He has anisocoria, which, given his age, the adrenaline surge of the fight, the fact that he's still alive means he was tachycardic. He has Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome. Wilson: The bet was on who would win, not who would live the longest. House: If he's physically unable to continue because of a preexisting illness, then it's technically a "no contest," which means all bets are off. Wilson: You know that just because I was right about this one fighter doesn't make you any less of a man? House: Actually, it would, if you were right. Wilson: Then as I said earlier, prove it. And one possibly Photoshopped cell phone pic does not a diagnosis make. [Cut to the hallway. Wilson’s door slams and House appears and heads for the elevator where Cesar catches up with him.] Cesar: Oh, excuse me, Dr. House. House: Désolé, je ne parle pas anglais. [Sorry, I don’t speak English.] Cesar: I'm a co-worker of Wendy Lee's. I'm also her boyfriend. House: Great. I'm a guy who doesn't care. Cesar: She's your patient. House: Oh, you thought I didn't know who Wendy Lee was? Yeah, makes sense. I'm not good at names. Did Dr. Fortune tell you that? Cesar: Her last boyfriend was a real nut. He's basically stalking her. House: See, this is what I don't care about. [The elevator arrives. House gets in and pushes a button.] I don't care who cares about her. Used to care about her. Either one you falls down dad, you can drop me a note. Cesar: [stopping the elevator door from closing] I think I know what's wrong with her. House: You screwed up in the lab and accidentally spilled some bmb on her? Cesar: No. He really is crazy. [Cut to the team walking down the hall with House.] Thirteen: Poisoned? House: Apparently our mad scientist is also a slutty scientist whose milkshakes got all the nerds in the yard fighting over her. Thirteen: She's a slut because she's dated two different guys at work? House: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were still judging her. Foreman: [or “Dr. Fortune” according to House] She's not a slut and it's not poison. When we tested her blood and cerebral spinal fluid for toxic exposure, it was negative for every poison we could think of. Taub: Well, that just leaves every poison we didn't think of. She works in a bmb factory. Foreman: So do a lot of other not-sick people. Thirteen: The guy had any actual evidence she was poisoned, he would have gone to the police, not to us. Taub: And if we had any evidence of what was wrong with her, you'd be showing us MRI results. I assume they were negative. Chase: Couldn't hurt to start activated charcoal, see what happens. House: You know what else wouldn't hurt? This case is getting interesting. Let's add a little danger. [Cut tonight. A glass patio door slides open. A flashlight shines around the room. It’s Chase, followed by Thirteen with her own flashlight.] Thirteen: Hmmm. [Her light comes to rest on a photograph of Tony, crouched over a deer he has klled. There’s a stuffed eagle on the wall next to the photo. She turns away and gasps. There’s a huge bear mounted on the wall, posed as if it’s about to attck.] Chase: Just because he has gn doesn't make him a mrder. Thirteen: Tell that to the bear. Chase: Look in the desk. See if he's got a diary or a journal. Thirteen: Something tells me he's not exactly a diary kind of guy. Maybe a manifesto. Chase: Just look. I'm gonna check out the rest of the place, see if he's got a computer. [Her cell phone rings. She looks at the caller ID.] Thirteen: It's Foreman. [answering] Yep? Foreman: You break in yet? Thirteen: Yeah, we're in the abattoir now. Why? Foreman: You can leave. I think Taub and I found what we're looking for. [Bottles clang. Taub hauls a carton with more than a dozen bottles. He drops it on the desk next to two more cartons similarly filled.] Foreman: Looks like she actually was being poisoned, but she's been doing it to herself. [Cut to Lee’s room. Taub and Foreman are there.] Lee: I'm not an alcoholic. Taub: I know. I know the whole label thing is so limiting. You're a person who happens to suffer from alcoholism. Lee: You broke into my house and now you're being a smartass? Foreman: During your history, you said you didn't drink at all. Lee: I don't. Taub: You just collect bottles. Lee: Yes. I collect them for my friend. She uses them in her art projects. Taub: And you're ashamed of these art projects. The bottles were hidden. Lee: That's because my housekeeper keeps throwing them out. I-I've told her a dozen times not to but either she doesn't understand or she doesn't care. [Cut to the hallway. The team heads for Diagnostics.] Chase: Why would she lie? Thirteen: That's the easy question. She needs a government security clearance for her job. Taub: And what's the hard question? Thirteen: If she's an alcoholic, why doesn't she have at least some partially full bottles in the house? I mean, why keep the empties? Why not just throw them away? Foreman: So she's probably telling the truth. Taub: So what do we do? Foreman: We start her on Valium for alcohol withdrawal. [They all stop walking to look at him.] It's the best we've got right now. [Foreman and Chase head off in one direction, Taub and Thirteen in another.] [Cut to the glass door in a treatment room opening. House follows Foley, talking loudly.] House: One normal EKG does not a healthy person make. Foley: Look, I told you I just suck. House: Oh, you make me so sad. Don't talk like that. Foley: [turns to face House] Why do you care so much? House: kll me for loving my patients. It's just what I do. [Foley snorts and takes off down the hall. House doesn’t follow.] House: Hey, stop. Stop! [Foley turns around] Look, my–my leg hurts. Okay? Just talk to me for a moment. [House holds his leg as he sits on one of the benches in the hall. Foley stands in front of him.] You don't have to be a loser. Foley: [Scoffs] Thanks. House: Whatever's wrong with you, it's real. Sick is good. Sick means it can get better. You cold get better. And I don't mean healthier. I mean… maybe you don't have to suck. Foley: Figure out what's wrong with yourself. Leave me alone. [Cut to Lee’s room. She screams with pain. Nurse Hoffner is treating her. Foreman and Chase enter. Cesar is by the windows.] Hoffner: Abdominal pain. Cesar: She said it felt like she was being sab. Lee: Ah! Ah! Foreman: Give her morphine, 5 milligrams IV. [Cut to Diagnostics. Everyone but House is there.] Taub: Is it a symptom of the underlying condition or a symptom of our treatment? Chase: We'll know soon. I stopped her treatment. Foreman: We should restart it. Acute pancreatitis from alcoholism would cause this kind of pain. Thirteen: It's stress related. Foreman: She's in a lot of pain. Thirteen: She's under a lot of stress. She's got two guys fighting over her and she got done with the final test of a new bmb. Her guilt is klling her. Foreman: As far as you know, she likes being the center of attention and loves her job. Thirteen: As far as you know, she doesn't drink. Chase: What if it's a kidney infection? Acute pyelonephritis could kll her if we don't start her on IV antibiotics. Foreman: Would kll her if it was pyelonephritis, but since her urine and CSF don't show signs of infection— Taub: I paged House. [Foreman rolls his eyes at him.] What? We got nothing. Less than nothing since he's actually ignoring my pages, which means we have a sick patient and apparently a sick boss. [Foreman thinks about it, gets up and leaves.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. Foreman walks in without knocking. He takes out his wallet and puts some money on the table.] Foreman: Tell him you admit he's right. Let's get him back to work. Wilson: If he's ignoring you, it's because he trusts you. Foreman: No, it's not. Wilson: No, it's not, but he does. Foreman: Thanks. I feel warm inside. Right now I'm debating which bad idea I should pretend is a good idea and force everybody to implement. Wilson: I think this is good for him. Foreman: Obsessing over a bet is good? And doing his actual job, treating actual patients, that's bad? Wilson: House only doing what House wants is the only way he can function. Since the breakup, he's been seeking out crazier and crazier things to do because they're crazy. This is — well, it's not crazy. Foreman: No, just irresponsible and possibly dangerous. Wilson: By House standards, it's dull. This he's doing just because he's interested. I think House getting back to doing… stupid House stuff for stupid House reasons is the best thing that could happen to him. Foreman: I'll go explain that to the patient. [Wilson hands him his money. He takes it and leaves.] [Cut to House’s apartment. He’s sitting on the kitchen table, wearing long pants, doing leg lifts against the tubing again. He pants with the effort. He rubs his thigh and undoes the strap.] [Cut to House unzipping a toiletry kit and taking out a packet of white powder, a needle and a tourniquet. He ties the tourniquet on his left bicep using his teeth and his other hand. He puts some powder in a soupspoon and adds some water. It’s directly over a flame and it bubbles. House taps a full syringe to get out the air bubbles then injects himself in the crook of his arm. There are about a dozen healing scabs and hematomas there already. He waits a moment, then undoes the tourniquet.] [Cut to Lee’s room. She is convulsing while Taub and a nurse tend to her. Cesar looks on from near the foot of the bed.] [Cut to Diagnostics.] Taub: It's definitely not pancreatitis. Restarting the treatment obviously didn't help anything. I assume you tested for infections. [Chase gives him a “duh” look] And I assume that look means "yes, and I was wrong." [to Thirteen] You call for a psych consult? Wow. That's the same look I just got from Chase. So an hour ago, we had three theories we couldn't agree on. Now we've got no theories, but we're in agreement. Chase: CT and ultrasound showed inflammation in the renal capsule. Could be an obstructing calculus or a perinephric abscess. Foreman: Blood cultures came back negative. It's probably just a benign cyst. Chase: Yes, let's just dismiss an idea because it's probably nothing. Thirteen: Could be gas in the perinephric space, in which case, we should be prepping her for emergency surgery. [Door opens. House comes in.] House: What looks like Wolff-Parkinson-White but isn't? Foreman: Her EKG was normal. House: So was his. That's why I said "looks like." As in similar to, but not the same. Taub: You want us to help you get out of paying your bet while your actual patient lies in agony. House: Who's the real bad guy here? The guy who doesn't care enough to help or the four guys who are not competent enough to help? He works out too much, gets pounded too much, and not in the romantic way. His pupils— Taub: I got it. House: Your patient? No. Plenty of time to save her life after we save my money. Taub: [ignores House and returns to the DDX] Underlying neurological condition exacerbated by an acute UTI brought on by her sexual escapades. Thirteen: Slut? Escapades? How do we treat? A scarlet "A"? Taub: Sorry. Acute UTI brought on by her healthy enjoyment of her womanhood. We start her on IV ampicillin and an aminoglycoside. [They all get up and leave. At the door, Foreman turns back to House who is still thinking about Foley.] Foreman: You ignore us all the time. You go on crazy joyrides all the time. But you answer pages, you sleep. [House doesn’t even look at him.] I know I'm gonna regret doing this, but I'll ask anyway. Is there anything I can do to help? House: [lifting his head] Although… [He has an idea, walks past Foreman and leaves.] [Cut to a gym. There are guys sparring in the ring and in front of it. Guys are warming up, punching a heavy bag, etc. Foley is mopping the floor.] House: Great news! You have an underlying neurological condition, which together with your heart— Foley: You said my heart was fine. House: Yeah, I also said I would get you your career back. But it doesn't seem to matter since you've so clearly been handed the golden spit bucket. [Foley glares slightly at him.] Sympathetic overdrive. It's a medical term. So is "great news." Of course, if you prefer wallowing… [Foley turns away from him. House follows.] All you need is a chin. And a heart, apparently. Then you can go back to being the guy who won 20 of his first 20 instead of the guy who lost 5 of his last 5. Although, technically, I count the last one as a "no contest." Foley: And you save 50 bucks. House: I'm a doctor. I don't tell a fat guy to lay off bacon for less than 300. [Foley almost laughs.] This is about dignity for both of us. Give me your arm. [He hangs his cane on a piece of equipment and pulls something from his pocket.] Give me your arm. [He sticks a syringe into Foley’s arm through his sweatshirt.] Foley: What the hell? House: Don't worry. It's just epinephrine. Foley: Ep-is it dangerous? House: In the wrong hands, very. So… yeah, sort of. This will only take a few seconds. [He checks the pulse in Foley’s neck.] And… you are tachycardic. [Foley’s breathing heavily] Foley: Yo, are you psycho? House: We combine the increased heart rate with chest trauma by applying a little sweet science to the science. Don't worry. I'll–I'll explain more when you wake up. Now, the punch that supposedly knocked you out looked like it was thrown by an old cripple. Kind of like this. [He puts his hands in classic boxing position and taps Foley in the chest with a left jab.] Foley: Look, stop it. House: Three, two, one. [He waits but nothing happens.] Huh. Seem to be older and more crippled than I thought. [He punches Foley again.] Foley: Look — no. You're embarrassing me. House: Doesn't make sense. Maybe if I— [He throws another punch but Foley grabs his arm and tosses him to the floor.] Foley: Look, get the hell out of my life, you lunatic. [Foley leaves. House sits up and looks puzzled.] [Cut to Lee’s room. Alarms are beeping. Nurse Gibbs is there as Taub and Chase rush in.] [Heart monitor beeping frantically] Gibbs: She's in V-tach. BP's dropping. Cesar: Whatever you're doing isn't working again. There's got to be some way to stop the seizures. Taub: It's not a seizure. She's having a heart attck. No pulse. Cesar: That's impossible! She runs marathons! [Chase grabs the defibrillator while Taub uses an Ambu Bag on Lee.] Chase: Charging to 200. Clear. [Taub pulls back.] Taub: Still no pulse. Chase: Charging to 300. Cesar: Why is this happening? Chase: Clear. [Cut to a nurses’ station. Foreman is talking to Cuddy.] Foreman: My theory is that he's only avoiding us because he really wants to avoid you. Cuddy: Ma nishtana? [Foreman looks puzzled.] You made it through med school without ever attending a Seder? It means "why is this night different from all other nights?" Foreman: I'm not sure it is. But usually when push comes to shove, he shows up. Cuddy: If the patient's still alive, then push hasn't met shove yet. Foreman: Patient is hanging by a thread and we don't have a clue why. Cuddy: Then we have to assume he does and she isn't. [She walks to the elevator. He follows.] Foreman: We could or we could assume that something is seriously wrong with House and try to do something about that. This way, even if we're wrong, nobody dies. Cuddy: House is fine. House is always fine. [The elevator arrives. She starts to get in. Foreman grabs her arm. She looks shocked.] Foreman: I'm expanding my theory. He's avoiding you and you're avoiding him and this patient is gonna die. Cuddy: Not if you do your job. [She walks off.] [Cut to House’s kitchen. He gives himself another injection and removes the tourniquet.] Thirteen: You're an idiot. [She’s in the doorway to the living room.] House: How did you get in here? Thirteen: My boss has me break into places all the time. House: Pain has been getting worse. I figured if I upped the Vicodin any more, I'd end up back in a rubber room, so this seemed like the smarter choice. Thirteen: You're an idiot. House: You drove all the way over here to break in and call me an idiot? Thirteen: No, I drove all the way over here to tell you we're implanting an automated cardio-defibrillator, which won't actually do anything to help the patient except maybe give us enough time to come up with a guess as to what's actually wrong with her. House: Oh, that makes more sense. Thirteen: And I broke in here because Cuddy and Wilson both separately asked me to. House: Even more logical. Thirteen: And that's not heroin, which means you knew I was coming over here, and Cuddy and Wilson are right. You're just playing a game. Throwing out a bone and watching us fight over it. {She starts to leave in a huff.] House: There is another theory. [He picks up a report from a table and hands it to her.] Compound CS-804. It's an experimental drug that's supposed to regrow muscle. Thirteen: [flipping through it] This experiment was done on rats. House: It's groundbreaking. Huge success. Thirteen: In rats. House: Well, they got four legs. Think how fast it should work on one. Thirteen: You're an idiot. [She gives him back the report and leaves.] [Cut to OR. They’re implanting the automated defibrillator. Chase looks puzzled and walks from Lee’s head further down the table.] Chase: We've got a problem. Taub: AICD not working? Chase: If it's the defibrillator, I'd be looking elsewhere. [Lifting the blankets.] Smells like bleeding. Taub: Rectal? Chase: And vaginal. [Cut to Diagnostics] Foreman: Is it possible something got perforated during surgery? Taub: Is that an accusation? Foreman: Sounded like a question. Just a straightforward inquiry that only someone with serious insecurities would take issue with. Taub: Okay, so in answering, I have to decide between the only two possibilities. "No" and "yes, we might have screwed something up, but are intentionally hiding it because we're incompetent and we're asses." Answer is "no." Glad we didn't shortchange that avenue. It's a blood disorder. A coagulopathy. Foreman: That's not a diagnosis. That's like saying she has a runny nose. Taub: True, but not saying she has a runny nose risks getting snot all over us. We can treat it. Foreman: Cause could still be a toxin. She must have been exposed to who knows— Thirteen: Past tense, which means she would have been better now that she's not. Chase: Same goes for House. If this was about Cuddy, he would have checked out weeks ago. Something else is going on. Something new. Taub: That's an awfully simplistic approach to matters of the heart. Chase: House is rational. He prides himself— Taub: No one is rational about emotion. That's why they're emotions. Foreman: What do you think? Thirteen: Me? I didn't say anything. Foreman: Exactly. Thirteen: You always have some opinion on these things, especially when it comes to House, double especially when it comes to men and romance, but suddenly you're keeping your mouth shut. Thirteen: House can't help us. I respect his privacy, no matter how stupid and I'd appreciate it if you'd respect mine. Foreman: [nods slowly] We need to treat the underlying condition. Could be cancer, sepsis, trauma, liver disease, hemorrhagic fever— Taub: I'm gonna start treating the symptoms while you finish listing the possible causes. [He leaves.] [Cut to House’s apartment. He’s doing leg lifts again. As he pulls his leg up he releases it suddenly, grunting in pain or frustration. He rubs his thigh then hops down and undoes the ankle strap. He pulls the toiletry case out of a kitchen drawer and removes a syringe and the Compound CS-804. He looks at the packet which is almost empty.] [Cut to a rat in a cage. It’s the lab that’s test the drug.] Riggin: The rats are doing great. House: "Great" is a little vague. Riggin: Even better than the previous study. 12% increase in strength, 22% in flexibility, and some improvement in at least 60% of the subjects. House: Have you done maximum tolerated dose studies? Riggin: Not yet. But that's part of the beauty. Since the compound is easily excreted in urine, as long as they keep hydrated, there's really no reason to expect any danger at virtually any dose. I mean, obviously you can't know for sure. House: But if it's worthy of the preface "obviously," then obviously it only needs to be explained to idiots. Do I look like an idiot? [Riggin looks offended.] Sorry. Cranky. What I meant to say was: Why don't scientists have groupies? 'Cause I'd do you right now if society wasn't telling me that you're just an underpaid dork. Riggin: Thank you. [His expression says “Thank you, I think.” House sits down and winces.] Riggin: You all right? House: Leg hurts. Would you mind getting me a coffee? Riggin: How does coffee help your leg? House: It will prevent me from walking to get the coffee. Riggin: Right. [He walks off. As soon as he leaves the room, House goes to the refrigerator and swipes a couple of packets of the compound. He returns to the chair and assumes a carefully nonchalant pose.] [Cut to the hall. Taub and Foreman are walking fast.] Taub: Page said she's now bleeding from her mouth. Foreman: You start treatment? Taub: I said I would. Foreman: A "yes" would have been fine. Taub: Not asking the question would have been even better. [They enter Lee’s room.] Foreman: Any breathing issues? Lee: No, but— Gibbs: I'm not sure it's internal. Taub: If it's coming from both ends, it's internal. Gibbs: Her gums look like they were brned. [Foreman pulls out a flashlight and Taub pulls down Lee’s lower lip. Gross.] [Cut to House doing his leg lifts on the kitchen table. He pants and massages his thigh then gets down and releases his ankle. He gives up and drops the rubber tubing and the kit in the trash. He walks into the living room, rubbing his thigh as he grabs his cane from the molding. He limps heavily to the fireplace. He opens a wood box on the mantle and takes out a bottle of Vicodin. Three pills go into his hand. He looks at them for a moment then pops them in his mouth. Back in the kitchen, he drinks from the faucet and swallows hard. As House stands there, leaning against the sink and panting, he thinks of something.] [House has his jacket over his arm and is walking quickly to his front door when there’s a knock. House stops and waits.] Wilson: [loudly through the closed door] Experimental drugs? House: [opening the door] That's unfair. 'Cause at one point, even Vicodin was an experimental drug. I have to go. Wilson: Well, unless you're going to do your job, it can wait. House: I'm going to do my job. Wilson: I'll give you a lift. House: [turning back into the living room] I'll give you two minutes. But first, I'm gonna tell you that I'm off the drugs and you'll feel silly 'cause you've got nothing to say for two minutes. Wilson: Hmm. Why are you off them? House: Because they don't work. Wilson: Why were you on them? House: Because they come in banana flavor. You know the answer. Wilson: You think fixing your leg will fix your life. House: I think that my life will be somewhat better if part of my life, specifically my leg, is somewhat better. Wilson: You think all your problems are your leg. House: And you're here to tell me that no matter how depressed I may be, it's not enough. Wilson: I think you want everything to be physical, tangible, simple. You want unhappiness to have a cure. [House picks up his jacket which he had put on the couch.] House, you obviously— House: [standing and walking past Wilson] I hate that word. I have to go now. Actually, I don't, but it would be rude to walk out without saying anything. [He walks out.] [Cut to Diagnostics. The table is covered with reference books. Taub is almost asleep with his head on the table.] Chase: What about this? 28-year-old woman presenting with burn-like wounds in her mouth and esophagus from a candidiasis infection. Foreman: Interesting. It would also be relevant if the woman had had seizures. Chase If the fungus had entered her bloodstream— Thirteen: We would have seen it in the blood work. Taub: Acute myeloid leukemia can cause swelling in the gums. Foreman: Again, interesting but not relevant. Taub: Again, you're being an ass. Foreman: She doesn't have a history of blood diseases in her family, her blood count's normal, and she hasn't been exposed to chemical toxins. Taub: Not that we know of. Chase: Guy that she works most closely with is also her boyfriend. You don't think he would have told us if there had been some sort of chemical spill or accident? Thirteen: There is one other cause of AML. [Cut to the hallway. Thirteen, Foreman and Gibbs are rapidly wheeling Lee down the hall. Cesar follows them.] Cesar: Wait! Where are you taking her? Foreman: We need to get her into an isolation room and prep for a hematopoietic stem cell transplant. Cesar: Isolation? Why? Thirteen: We think her blood and immune system have been destroyed by an exposure to ionizing radiation. Cesar: But we don't work with radiation. Thirteen: Well, apparently your girlfriend does. Cesar: [grabbing the bed and stopping them] No, she doesn't. You're wrong. It must be something else. Thirteen: We found reports that your company was developing tactical nuclear warheads for bunker-busting bmb. Cesar: Where? On Wikipedia? Some paranoid idiot's blog? I don't care where you read it. It's not true. Foreman: You're saying there's absolutely no chance that anyone in your company is doing any experimental research that you don't know about? Cesar: No, but I know Wendy and she wouldn't. Thirteen: Well, maybe you don't know her as well as you thought you did. Foreman: Excuse me. We have to go. [They wheel the bed around a corner.] [Cut to a street. House, in his car, turns the corner and catches up with Foley who is jogging.] House: [leaning out the window] You need a drink. Foley: I'm fine. House: That wasn't a question. You really do need a drink. [Foley slows down, then stops running.] [Cut to Isolation.] Foreman: Found a match. We'll start treatment as soon as we get the HSC from the donor. Shouldn't be long. Lee: Where's Cesar? Foreman: Uh, he's in the waiting room. Lee: I want to see him. Foreman: You can't. It's too dangerous with your immune system this compromised. Lee: Why can't he just put on a gown and a mask like you? Foreman: I'm sorry. The more people you're exposed to, the greater chance of infection. Lee: I'm scared. Foreman: I know. We're doing everything that we can. Cesar will be with you soon. Gibbs: Dr. Foreman, you should look at this. Lee: What is it? Foreman: You feeling any pain in your pelvic region? Lee: No, why? Foreman: Your genitals… they're engorged. [Cut to the street. House has parked and he’s watching Foley down a one-liter bottle of water.] Foley: I drink any more, I'm gonna explode. House: You're not going to explode. You're just gonna have a seizure, which will prove that your kidneys are not working, which will also prove that they weren't working Saturday night. That's why a glancing body blow sent your blood pressure into the toilet and you onto the canvas. Foley: How many bottles is this supposed to take? House: Six. Foley: And I've drank how many? House: [looking in the trunk] Eight. It's not an exact science. Foley: So in other words, nothing's gonna prove you wrong. You're just gonna keep making me miserable because you're too miserable— House: You're an idiot. [Foley looks understandably angry.] No, you're not gonna ht me… 'Cause somewhere deep in that way-too-thin skull of yours you know that you're full of crap. That's why you stopped jogging for me. That's why you drank eight bottles. Because even though you want to think that I'm wrong 'cause it's simpler, you also desperately want me to be right. I'm only an ass for building your hopes up if I'm wrong. [hands Foley another full bottle] Last one. [Foley takes the bottle and drains it. He tosses the empty into the trunk. House observes him closely. Nothing happens.] Foley: You're an ass. [He leaves.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. The door flies open and House enters. He walks to the desk and extends a $50 bill. Wilson spreads his arms wide in acknowledgement, then takes it.] Wilson: You were wrong. It's not the end of the world. [House lays his cane on the desk and sweeps everything to the floor. Wilson looks mildly nervous.] House: Anything else you want to say? Wilson: [after a pause and a deep breath] You have a problem. I think if you seriously look at everything that— [House walks behind the desk and smashes the glass in the Vertigo poster’s frame.] House: Anything else? Wilson: Okay, look, this isn't—[House raises his cane and turns toward the Ordinary People poster. Wilson jumps up to stop him.] Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! [House stands back but keeps his cane ready. He looks pissed.] No… I don't. [He gestures locking his mouth and throwing away the key.] Just get out of here. Go home. We'll talk later. Someplace without any of my stuff. House: Nothing to talk about. That was my point. [He leaves. Wilson looks at the wreckage.] [Cut to Diagnostics. It’s nighttime. Thirteen enters. Chase and Foreman are already there.] Chase: Inflammation of the genitals means we were wrong. Thirteen: Thanks for the statement of the obvious. Chase: You'd think so, wouldn't you? [Taub comes in and takes a seat.] Foreman wants to keep shting for radiation poisoning. Foreman: Because the seizure's have stopped. Because her fever's gone away. Because she's improved. By luck. Foreman: I don't think the patient cares. Chase: Yes, she's gonna die in considerably less discomfort thanks to you treating a few of the symptoms instead of the disease. Taub: I paged Ho— All: Shut up. [Cut to a bar.] Bartender: You're drunk. House: Well, whose fault is that? Give me another scotch. Bartender: I can't serve you. House: This 'cause I'm black? 'Cause I'm not, so… Bartender: Come on, buddy. [The bartender is drying glasses behind the bar. House is a few feet away, at the banquette next to the room divider.] House: Look, you can't get me drunk and then give me crap for being drunk. That's like dumping someone and then giving them crap for being upset. That's just not decent. Let me explain why people come here. [He lurches over to the bar.] They come here to drink. Which causes us to ask, why do people drink? Hmm? Is it sustenance? [He grabs a guy’s bottle of beer and reads the label.] No. Is it taste? [He takes a swig of the guy’s beer.] No. Fellow Patron: Don't be a jerk. House: Is it the company of stout-hearted men? I don't think so. Is it klling pain? Yes. [looks at the bottle again.] Seven and a half percent life duller. That's the business you're in. You're in the "screw the world" business. You're in the "reality sucks and fantasy temporarily appears to not suck" business. Fellow Patron: Just get the moron a drink so he'll shut the hell up. [The bartender puts the dry glass down and goes to get House a drink.] House: No. Bartender: I'm giving you your drink. House: Have you no pride? Either serving me is a good idea or it's a bad idea. Shutting me up is a crappy reason for compromising what you believe. Fellow Patron: Not even an effective one apparently. [House thinks this over. He leans his elbows on the bar and gestures for the bartender to come over.] House: Am I gonna have to ht him? Bartender: Not a good idea. House: But what if it's the right thing to do? Compromise is never the answer. [He turns to Fellow Patron, who is sitting on the side of the bar, and gets into a boxing stance.] Stand up. I will allow you to throw the first punch. Fellow Patron: Sit down. I'm not gonna ht you. House: Just as well, 'cause I was lying. [He swings. Fellow Patron leans back and House misses. He freezes as he realizes that almost all of his weight is on his right leg. And it’s holding him. Fellow Patron throws a punch. This one connects. House lands on the floor.] [Cut to the hallway outside Isolation. Thirteen: You can relax. Cesar: She's getting better? Chase: Bad news is, because of your extended exposure to her and her workplace, we're gonna need to treat you as well. Cesar: I feel fine. Thirteen: Unfortunately that's the way it can be with radiation. No symptoms until it's too late to do anything. Chase: You're gonna need a bone marrow transplant. Cesar: [chuckles] No. Thirteen: A marrow transplant does leave you exposed to all sorts of illnesses, but there really is no choice here. Cesar: She doesn't have radiation poisoning. Chase: She's getting better. Thirteen: We need to start your treatment before it's too late. Cesar: No! Chase: You're either suicidal or you know we're wrong. And the only way you could know for sure what wasn't klling her is if you knew what was. And you do, don't you? Thirteen: Because you've been poisoning her and the reason she's getting better is because you haven't been near her. Chase: Our co-workers are on their way to your home right now to search for poisons. You mind saving them the trouble? Thirteen: Attempted mrder is better than mrder. [Cesar hangs his head and shakes it a little.] [Cut to House’s apartment. He’s doing his leg lifts again. This time he effortlessly extends his leg fully and he rotates the ankle. He hops off the table, releases the strap and gives his thigh a rub. He’s smiling. He heads into the living room. He has a very pretty, purple bruise under his right eye. House unhooks his cane and gives it a twirl. He taps himself at the top of his spinal cord, reaches back and touches himself there again.] [Cut to the gym. It’s still dark. As Foley enters, punches can be hear landing. It’s House, working out with a heavy bag. No one else is there.] Foley: What are you doing here? House: Training for my big fight. Just need you to— Foley: Drink five more bottles? Get punched a few more times? Look, just get out and give up. House: That's your specialty. Foley: [Scoffs] Ooh, looks like you already lost your big fight. [House takes down his cane. As Foley passes, House presses the bottom of the cane to the base of Foley’s neck. Foley turns around, angry.] Look, I may not be able to take a punch, but I can still throw one. House: Three, two… [Foley starts to demonstrate but falls over, unconscious.] What a lovely day. [Cut to Lee’s room. Thirteen is checking her out.] Lee: Where's Cesar? Thirteen: Um… in jail. He was trying to kll you. He found out about you and Glenn, which, he admitted, shouldn't have surprised him since he started seeing you while you were dating Tony. Lee: He poisoned me? Thirteen: Repeatedly… with Spanish fly. The active ingredient cantharidin is a potent toxin and can cause a lot of the same damage as radiation. Lee: He poisoned me? Thirteen: I'm sorry. Lee: He had a security clearance. [Cut to Wilson’s office. Sonny Boy Williamson's “Unseen Eye” begins to play as a hand appears through the open doorway.] House: Ahem! [Wilson looks up.] What's this? [House enters] A palm. Hmm, useful for many things. Slapping, greasing, probably some other applications too. Right now it's ready for $50 and humiliation. Wilson: He was actually sick? House: He wasn't knocked out by the punch. He was knocked out by the clinch before the punch. Took a sh*t to the back of the neck. More specifically, to an abnormal growth of nerves caused by a glomus tumor. Kind of like a built-in taser. Sent a massive shock to his entire body, shut everything down. Wilson: Wow. Fascinating. Completely explains exactly how he lost. House: Oh, you are not gonna be like that, 'cause you got a lot more posters here. Wilson: No, I'm not. Well done, House. You might have saved that guy. Given him his life back. House: Oh, no. He needs surgery. He's never gonna fight again. [Wilson gives him the money. House starts to leave.] Wilson: What happened to your eye? You okay? House: Better than okay.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x21 - The Fix"}	foreverdreaming
Thirteen: Darrien? OPENING CREDITS [Darrien and Thirteen are standing in the front hallway of Thirteen’s apartment] Thirteen: (seeing all the blood) What the hell happened? We got to get you to a hospital. Darrien: No, you're a doctor. Just stitch me up. Thirteen: It's more complicated than that. We need to check for— Darrien: The cops will be waiting for me at the hospital. They're gonna bust me back inside just for being with felons. Thirteen: You stay here, they bust me. Darrien: I can't go back, Remy. Thirteen: Neither can I. God forbid you die, I'm up for manslaughter. Darrien: I'll find someone else. [Darrien starts for the front door] Thirteen: You leave, you bleed out. You're gonna die. [As Darrien opens the front door, Thirteen rushes forward and slams it shut] Thirteen: Stop. Darrien: Promise me, you won't take me to the hospital. Thirteen: I promise. [Cut to House’s apartment. House is sitting on the piano bench with a guitar in his lap] House: Look at how much fun she's having. [Emily, a hooker, sits across from him, holding a copy of the Kama Sutra. She is dressed in a skimpy red teddy and is covered in tattoos] Emily: That's because he has two functioning legs, capable of supporting her body weight. House: So do I. Emily: You told me most of your muscle was cut out. House: I was going for the sympathy discount. Been taking some experimental medicine. [House reaches for a glass of whiskey on the coffee table. Beside the whiskey bottle sits a round metal tray containing some white powder and a small, empty plastic bag. Beside the tray is a spoon and a syringe] Emily: Yeah, I got a lot of clients on experimental medicine. [House puts the glass back on the table and the guitar onto it’s stand, and gets up] House: You want proof? [Emily sets the book on the table as House goes around behind a stack of two Fender amplifiers. Emily crosses her legs, waiting to see what he is up to] House: Okay, this amp stack weighs way more than you do. [House squats down, puts his arms around the stack of amps, and, grunting, lifts the amps off of the floor and walks forward with them] House: See? Now, even if those implants were made of adamantium, I'd still be able to… [Emily jumps aside as House loses his balance and the top amp crashes down onto the table, breaking the glass top. House sets the other amp down on the floor and pushes himself into a standing position, rubbing at his right thigh] House: Sorry. Cramp. Emily: I'm sure. [House kneels down in the broken glass, turns the metal tray upright, and picks up the empty plastic bag. He spills what little powder is left in the bag onto the floor, then tosses it aside and looks disparagingly up at Emily] House: (sighing) I'm not gonna be needing your services tonight after all. [Cut back to Thirteen’s apartment. Darrien is lying on the couch and her Knfe wound has been cleaned. Thirteen, wearing latex gloves, inserts two fingers into the wound. Darrien is screaming in pain as Thirteen feels around inside the wound] Darrien: Aaah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Thirteen: Bowel's intact. Inferior vena cava's fine. Darrien: Aah! Aah! Thirteen: Liver got nicked, but it feels clotted off. [Thirteen pulls her fingers out of the wound and examines Darrien’s mouth and gums] Thirteen: I don't see any other signs of internal bleeding. Darrien: So I'm okay? [Thirteen reaches for a blood pressure cuff and wraps it around Darrien’s left arm] Thirteen: Define okay. And just because I don't see bleeding doesn't mean it's not there. [Thirteen pumps up the blood pressure machine] Thirteen: 105 over palp. I'm gonna check your pressure every two minutes. If you dip below 90, it means it is there and we have a problem. [Cut to Foreman entering his apartment. He has earbuds in his ears and a towel draped over his shoulder. It looks like he has been working out. He stops and takes the buds out of his ears as he enters the living room] Foreman: Oh. Sorry. [Taub and Ruby are sitting on the couch. They look up at Foreman as he enters. Taub looks worried] Ruby: (getting up) I should get to work. Taub: Wait. Ruby. Ruby: We'll talk more in the morning. [Ruby grabs her sweater and moves toward the front door, passing Foreman as she leaves] Ruby: Good night, Eric. Foreman: (to Taub) You two breaking up? Taub: She's pregnant. (getting up from the couch) I need a drink. [Cut back to Thirteen’s apartment] Darrien: There was a raid. Andre needed to do something to slow the cops down. Thirteen: He sab you as a distraction? Darrien: Didn't work. Cops called an ambulance, left me lying there. [Thirteen begins to pump up the blood pressure cuff again] Darrien: Oh, come on. Give me crap. I know what I told you about him, but it's not his fault I started using again. It's mine. [Thirteen looks at Darrien] Darrien: What? Thirteen: According to this, you're dad. You have no blood pressure. Barely have a pulse. (she pulls off the blood pressure cuff) Darrien: Am I dying? Thirteen: You're talking and alert, so your brain is getting blood. [Thirteen wraps the blood pressure cuff around Darrien’s right arms and pumps it up] Thirteen: Pulse in your right arm is fine. So is your B.P. [Cut to Chase asleep in his bed with a copy of a book about the Crusades spread open on his chest. His cell phone vibrates, waking him up. He gropes for the phone on the nightstand] Chase: (sleepily answering the phone) Hello. Thirteen: Are you busy? Chase: Yeah, I'm, uh, I'm about to go out. Thirteen: Great. Uh, can you do me a huge favor? I need you to go to the hospital and check out a portable ultrasound machine for me. Chase: Who's the father? Thirteen: I have a leak in my bathroom, and my guy won't come take a look at it till tomorrow morning, and an emergency plumber's 200 bucks an hour. [Cut to House walking into the lab where Dr. Riggin has been testing the new drug that House has been stealing to treat himself. Dr. Riggin is carrying a cardboard box. It looks like he is packing up] Dr. Riggin: Dr. House. House: Dr. Riggin. Figures you'd be wrapping up the trial by now. I just wanted to give you a hearty mazel tov. Dr. Riggin: And don't forget the Nobel Prize for developing an incredibly expensive rat poison. House: What do you mean? What happened? Dr. Riggin: Tumors. [Dr. Riggin pulls some photos out of a folder and hands it to House] Dr. Riggin: Just look at these things. [The photos show a dad rat, which has been pinned down and autopsied, revealing multiple tumors. House looks at the photos and then over to the now empty cages] House: Any indication the rats were getting sick? Dr. Riggin: Just some cramping. Their legs would stiffen up. They were having trouble moving around. We just thought their bodies were adjusting to the increase in muscle mass, but within a day or so they just started dying. Oh, well, get a new compound to play with next week. [Cut to Thirteen opening her apartment door to Chase] Chase: One portable ultrasound, extra pepperoni. Thirteen: (taking the machine) Thank you so much. I might be late tomorrow. [She starts to close the door, but Chase puts his hand out to open it again] Chase: Your socks are dry. And, unfortunately, so is your shirt, which means you either just changed to greet me, or you need this for something medical. (Thirteen hesitates) Chase: I am a doctor. [Thirteen lets him in her apartment. Chase enters the living room and stops when he sees Darrien lying on the couch] Thirteen: She's my friend. I was in prison. [Cut to House, slapping at his arm to expose a vein. He is sitting on a CT table in his underwear. A monitor reveals that his heart rate is 110 bpm. He inserts an IV needle, lies down and pushes the button, which slides the table into the CT machine. There is a close-up of his damaged thigh as his body slides into the machine. Once inside, he pushes another button, which starts the scan] [Cut to House sitting slumped on the CT table as he waits for the scan to process. Two successive flash camera cuts reveal House looking at the film. There are multiple black spots seen in the scan of his leg. He slowly lowers the film. He looks devastated] [Cut to Thirteen’s apartment. Chase is pacing as Thirteen uses the ultrasound machine on Darrien’s chest] Chase: You klled your own brother? Thirteen: Yes. It was awful and devastating, but it wasn't mrder. He was sick and he wanted to die, and I promised I would help. Now please stop pacing and help me find this thing. Chase: Have you talked to anybody about it? I mean, are you okay? Thirteen: No, I may have an aortic arch aneurysm. Oh, wait, that's her. Either help me or leave. [Chase puts down the drink can he was holding and takes off his jacket] Thirteen: Having trouble getting a clear look. Chase: Try a long axis view from the suprasternal notch. [Chase comes over beside Thirteen and prepares to examine Darrien’s wound] Thirteen: Wait! Put on some gloves. She's got Hep-C. Chase: Wonderful. (he puts on a pair of latex gloves) Take it you two were cell mates. Darrien: Just friends. Thirteen: She saved me. There's a culture in prison. If you don't have someone to show you how to get the stuff you need and stay away from the stuff you don't, you're screwed. Chase: Her fingers are turning blue. (to Darrien) Can you move those? [Chase looks more closely at Darrien’s left hand] Darrien: My arm's starting to go numb. Thirteen: Arch of aorta's clear. This can't be an aneurysm. Chase: Maybe the wound threw a clot. Check axillary arteries. [Chase raises Darrien’s left arm above her head, and Thirteen moves the ultrasound wand up to Darrien’s left armpit] Chase: Stop. (pointing to a spot on the monitor) Right there. [Chase starts digging around in a duffle full of medical paraphernalia] Thirteen: 5 centimeter gooey mass. Not a clot. Maybe a lipoma? Darrien: What the hell is that? Chase: Fat-filled sack. Probably aggravated by the sab wound. (still rummaging) You got any syringes in here? Thirteen: (to Chase) Give me that. [Chase gives the duffle bag to Thirteen, then takes hold of the ultrasound wand as Thirteen searches through the bag for a syringe] Darrien: I was sab in my gut, not in my arm. Thirteen: You lost a lot of blood, gave the lipoma room to swell. It's compressing the arteries in your arm, blocking your blood flow. Maybe we can suck some of it out. You'll be fine. [Thirteen has pulled a syringe out of the bag and pulled off the paper wrapping. She now prepares to insert the syringe into Darrien’s armpit] Thirteen: (inserting the needle) Little pinch. [Chase watches as Thirteen slowly pulls out the plunger] Chase: That's not a lipoma. [Cut to a strip club. Upbeat dance music is playing and a couple of pretty young woman are pole dancing. The camera pans down from the dance stage to Taub, sipping on a drink through a straw. He is not watching the dancers] Taub: I don't know why she's even considering having my kid. She barely knows me. All she knows is I'm a short, balding guy. It doesn't even make evolutionary sense. [Foreman looks over at Taub for a second and then returns his attention to the dancers on the stage] Foreman: You want her to keep it? Taub: No. Foreman: 'Cause you'd make a crappy dad. Taub: I said, "no." Foreman: You're too selfish. That's why you cheated on your wife, why your marriage fell apart— Taub: dude, I said— Foreman: I know you. The only reason you're sitting in a strip club, ignoring the strip club, is because you actually are considering it. [Taub doesn’t know what to say to that. Instead, he pulls out a folded wad of cash and holds it up for the strippers] Taub: Although without crappy dads in the world… [One of the strippers rubs Taub’s shoulder and pulls him up off his stool. Foreman just shakes his head in disbelief] [Cut to Thirteen pulling a full syringe of blood out of Darrien’s armpit] Thirteen: Try moving your fingers again. [Darrien wiggles the fingers of her left hand as Thirteen caps the syringe] Thirteen: Good. Means it's almost drained. [Thirteen puts the full syringe down beside four other syringes full of blood] Chase: (pulling on a fresh pair of latex gloves) Not good enough. We don't know if it's gonna come back. We don't even know what it is — drugs, viruses, toxins from that crack house and God knows where else she's been. Thirteen: If this were caused by the drugs, she'd have kidney failure, cardiac involvement. Chase: What about her Hep-C? Could have fried her liver. Loses its synthetic function. [Chase comes over and sits down beside Thirteen in front of the couch where Darrien is lying] Thirteen: Then her entire body would be swelling, not just her arm. Chase: That leaves us with toxins. (to Darrien) Where exactly were you when you were attcked? Thirteen: You're not doing a home search in a crack den, that's insane. Chase: Apparently, we don't have much of a choice. Thirteen: It's a crime scene, and it's not toxins or viruses or anything else you mentioned, because it's not a coincidence. Her symptoms have to be related to the sab. [Chase in on his feet again, pacing] Thirteen: What if her body used up all the clotting factors dealing with the sab wound? Chase: Explains the bloody mass. But if you're right, she could start bleeding anywhere, like in her brain or in her heart. Darrien: One of those things could start growing in my brain? Chase: It's time to get you to the hospital. Darrien: Oh, no. (She looks at Thirteen) Remy, you promised. Thirteen: (looking up at Chase) All we'll do at the hospital is stick her in a patient bed and give her IV clotting factor. We can do that right here. Chase: We could also embalm her right here. Thirteen: I'll call the drugs in. You go pick them up. If I'm right, she'll be fine. Look, I know you don't know her and you don't care about her, but I do. Please. [The next scenes in House’s bathroom are accompanied by Victory Dance performed by My Morning Jacket] ♪ Should I ht the water or stay on dry land ♪ ♪ Even though I never swam? ♪ ♪ Take machete into the brush ♪ ♪ Though at first there is no plan ♪ ♪ Taste the warpaint on my tongue ♪ ♪ As it's dripping with my sweat ♪ ♪ Place my gaze in the futures path ♪ ♪ Seeing things that ain't come yet ♪ ♪ Hope to watch the victory dance ♪ ♪ In the evening's setting sun ♪ ♪ Setting sun ♪ [Cut to House’s bathroom. From a bird’s eye view House is seen on hands and knees scrubbing the floor, and the tub. The camera then performs a series of quick cuts. First to House staring at himself in the mirror, then to a collection of surgical instruments laid out on a table. Back to House in front of the mirror, to a line of syringes, then to a bottle of Vicodin alongside a shaving brush in a glass sitting on the sink. House picks up the bottle of pills and takes one (some?), washing it down with a handful of water, and putting the bottle back on the sink. He then proceeds to scrub his hands and forearms thoroughly] [The camera now moves to a lower position. There is a small table next to the tub, covered in surgical draping. The surgical instruments are laid out neatly on the table. There are two flexible arm lamps clamped to the table, one of them is a magnifying lamp. House is wearing only a t-shirt and boxers. The scar on his right thigh is clearly visible. House continues with his preparations. He tapes the CT film onto the wall tile of the bathtub. The patient information includes his name, DOB (5/15/1959), gender, and his doctor (Hourani). He places a stack of medical books on the right side at the foot of the bathtub. House now sits on the edge of the tub. He has a wooden spoon in his mouth and is preparing a tourniquet out of some unknown material (it almost looks like the tube of a bicycle tire). The camera quick cuts to a group of surgical clamps on the table. House wraps the tourniquet around his upper right thigh above the scar, then takes the spoon out of his mouth and twists it into the tourniquet to make it tighter. He grimaces as it tightens. Behind him, we can see a rolled up bath towel which he has taped to the wall beside the CT scan] [House rises unsteadily, his hand on his upper thigh. A quick camera cut to a row of seven full syringes. On either side of the syringes are some gauze bandage and his cell phone. House lowers himself carefully into the tub and places his right foot against the stack of books. Another quick cut to the instrument table. Most prominent is a portable cauterizing instrument, but there are also forceps, retractors, the syringes, and House’s cell phone. The camera cuts to the CT film and pans down the scan, to reveal three tumors in House’s upper thigh, each circled in red. The largest tumor is high up, and close to the scar tissue. Two smaller tumors, situated close together, look to be an inch or two below the large one. House puts on latex gloves and sterilizes his thigh. He puts the sterilization sponge into a small metal bowl, then picks up one of a series of ten syringes which are laid out on the table. He takes off the cap, tossing it onto the floor, and with a glance at the CT scan, plunges the needle into his thigh. After pushing the anesthetic into his leg, he tosses the used syringe onto the floor and repeats the procedure with another syringe. He uses up five of the syringes, pushing the anesthetic all up and down his thigh, as indicated by the CT scan. He stops and uses his thumbs to assess the numbness of his thigh. He looks up with a determined expression, as if steeling himself for what he is about to do] [The music has stopped and now things get serious. House picks up a scalpel from the table and removes the cover. He holds it over his thigh and pauses for a long moment, bracing himself. He then takes a deep breath and makes a long incision in his upper thigh] [Cut back to Thirteen’s apartment. Thirteen is getting Darrien situated on her bed] Thirteen: Lie down, elevate your shoulder. [Darrien groans as Thirteen positions her on the bed, then sits on the bed beside her] Thirteen: You said Andre wasn't responsible for the drugs. What is? Darrien: Oh, I don't know. Thirteen: Yes, you do. What happened to you? If you don't deal with the real problem— Darrien: I came here because you're a doctor… not a shrink. [Darrien turns away from Thirteen and she finally gets up and leaves] [Cut back to House in his bathtub. He is concentrating hard and clearly in pain. He has used retractors to spread open the incision, and is using the magnifying lamp to work on his leg with a pair of forceps. His hand is shaking and he is sweating. He wipes the sweat on the rolled up towel on the wall and turns back to his leg. He appears to have located a tumor. He grits his teeth, but is shaking with pain and cannot get ahold of it. He picks up another syringe, and glancing at the CT scan pushes the anesthetic into his leg. The wound is bleeding heavily. He uses the portable cauterizer to seal off some blood vessels. His toes flex against the stack of books. Taking up the scalpel again and grimacing in extreme pain, he cuts the tumor away from the tissue in his leg. Using the forceps, he manages to extract the tumor from his thigh. With a shaking hand, he deposits the tumor into a small metal bowl on the table] [House looks at the CT scan again. He wipes his forehead on the towel and prepares to excise a second tumor. His hand is shaking so badly that he can barely see what he is doing] House: Ugh! [As the scalpel touches the tissue, he screams, and throws back his head in agony. He shakes his head and groans as he tries to continue with the surgery] House: Ah! Ugh! Ugh! [House grunts and yells as the pain finally gets the better of him and he tosses the scalpel aside. Whimpering with pain and frustration, he pounds the edge of the bathtub with his fist. He shoves the magnifying lamp out of the way and sits there gasping and clenching his fist] [Cut to Wilson’s apartment. Wilson is asleep in bed. His cell phone is on the nightstand next to the bed. It vibrates multiple times and a picture of House pops up on the screen, Wilson stirs in his sleep, but does not wake up.] [Cut to the strip joint. Taub is now paying close attention to the dancer] Stripper: Your lap is vibrating. Taub: Oh, sorry. (He takes his phone out of his pocket to see who is calling) Uh, it's my boss. (He puts the phone back in his pocket) Probably drunk. Wants a ride home. He can take a cab. Do you have any kids? Stripper: Why? You like moms? I could be your mommy. Spank your little ass. [She grabs hold of Taub’s tie and twists it. He looks embarrassed] Taub: Mmm, uh, no. I – what would you do if you got pregnant? Not by me… at all, but by some hypothetical guy who didn't want to keep the hypothetical kid. What would be the least awful way for him to tell you that? Stripper: Don't talk. Just let mama dance for you. Taub: Should I send flowers? Maybe write the clinic appointment on the little card? Surprise! I hate myself. (He sighs) There's just no good way to—(noticing a mole on her lower back, he touches it) How long have you had this mole? It's asymmetrical. Stripper: (slapping his hand away) No touching. Taub: Sorry. Have you been to see a dermatologist? [He reaches out again. The stripper slaps at him and calls to the bouncer, who comes right over] Stripper: Bobby! Taub: (to Bobby) Oh, uh… I wasn't touching her. I was just — oh, God. [Bobby grabs Taub by the lapels and practically picks him up off the chair] Taub: Oh! [Cut to Thirteen’s apartment. Darrien is asleep in Thirteen’s bed. She rolls over when Thirteen’s phone vibrates, reaching for it, then realizing that it is not her phone, rolls over to go back to sleep. But as she does, she sees a man standing at the foot of the bed. She rises up in bed and shakes her head] Darrien: (to the man) No. (the man pulls a gn) No, please don't. Please, please… put the gn down. [Cut to Thirteen cleaning up the couch in the living room. She sighs when she sees the large blood stain] [Back in the bedroom, the man cocks the gn and aims it at Darrien. The man is very young and wearing a hooded sweatshirt] Darrien: (loudly enough for Thirteen to hear from the other room) Put it down on the ground and get away! [Thirteen starts for the bedroom. There is a gn, and a bllet hole appears in the man’s forehead. He falls with a thud] [Thirteen rushes into the bedroom] Thirteen: Dee? [Darrien is sitting up in bed, still talking to the man at the foot of the bed, except that there is no one there] Darrien: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (sobbing) I'm sorry. Thirteen: Dee, what is it? Darrien: I'm so sorry. (Thirteen sits on the bed and hugs Darrien, who is crying) I'm sorry! [Cut back to House’s apartment. He has given up on the surgery, is breathing fast and hard, and is in extreme pain. He takes off the bloody latex gloves, and shaking badly, punches a number into his cell phone] [Another cell phone vibrates. This time it is Cuddy’s phone. She wakes and reaches for her phone. The clock on the nightstand reads 11:46pm. She hears voices, and finds Rachel sitting at the bottom of her bed, watching TV. She sits up in bed] Cuddy: (to Rachel) Why aren't you in your bed? [Rachel is watching an obviously adult, pirate cartoon. The cartoon depicts a very voluptuous and scantily clad cartoon woman, walking the plank of a pirate ship. The pirate is on the plank also, and there are alligators in the water below the plank] Brownbeard the pirate on the TV: Jibber me jabbers. I'll give ye splinters in yer arse, ye mangy bilge rat. Cuddy: (not believing what she is seeing) What are you watching? Rachel: TV, you bloody scallywag. [Cuddy uses the remote to turn off the TV] Rachel: (whining) Mo-om! [Cuddy finally looks at her phone and answers it] Cuddy: Someone better be dying. [Cut back to Thirteen’s apartment. The front door closes, and Chase enters just as Thirteen is coming into the living room from the bedroom] Thirteen: She hallucinated. I need you to go back out. (Chase hands her the medicine he just got) I just called in more clotting factor. Chase: So she's bleeding in her brain now. Thirteen: We double up the dose, she'll be fine. Chase: No. We bring her to the hospital, we do a CT scan to locate the bleed, drill a burr hole in her skull, and maybe she'll be fine. Thirteen: We can drill a burr hole here. Chase: You're not just risking our careers here. You could go back to prison. Thirteen: I made a promise. Chase: You made a promise? Thirteen: I will not take her to the hospital. Chase: Great. Then I will. [He moves toward the bedroom door, but Thirteen blocks his way] Thirteen: No. Chase: I'm gonna move you, and then I'm gonna pick your friend up, carry her down to my car, take her to the hospital, and try to save her life. Thirteen: She's staying here. Chase: Move. [Thirteen does not move] Chase: (loudly) Move! [He shoves Thirteen aside, but she recovers her balance and pulling Chase away from the bedroom door, starts punching him in the chest, grunting with the effort. She finally lands a punch to his jaw, which causes him to go down. He gets up just as she attempts to ht him again. He blocks the punch and grabbing her by the neck and upper arms, shoves her roughly to the floor] Chase: She's going to the hospital. [Cut back to House’s apartment. He is still sitting in the bloody bathtub. Footsteps are heard, and Cuddy appears in the doorway. Taking in the gory scene, she leans down to stop Rachel before she sees the bloody mess] Cuddy: Sweetie… go wait for mommy by the couch, okay? Go on. (Rachel obeys) [House is sweating and shaking. His eyes are red and he has his arms wrapped around himself as if he is cold] House: I tried calling everyone else. You were the last one on the list. [The camera pans the bathroom floor, revealing a bloody towel and numerous empty syringes. Cuddy takes in the horrific scene] Cuddy: Any reason why 911 wasn't on the list? House: It's not an emergency. Cuddy: Right. (She kneels on the floor next to the tub) Are you suicidal? House: (gasping) I'm not attempting bypass surgery. The tumors are small and they're close to the surface. I thought it'd be like… removing a wart. Cuddy: You couldn't wait till morning; bring your CT scans to an actual surgeon? House: Surgeons are idiots. They'd just hack away at the muscle until they get worn out. Cuddy: Or you're just ashamed you've been injecting a drug that hasn't even gone through safety trials. It's never even been in the human body. House: I got one of the tumors. The second one is close. (nodding to the scan on the wall) You can use the CT to help you find the third. Cuddy: (getting up off the floor) I'm taking you to the hospital. House: (pleading) Just–just excise the tumor. Cuddy: Absolutely not! [Cut to another speeding car racing through the night. Chase is driving fast and dodging around other cars as he and Thirteen rush Darrien to the hospital. Cars honk as he cuts them off. Thirteen sits in the back seat with Darrien] Chase: (glancing back) Elevate her head more. Darrien: Don't bother. Cops are gonna be waiting at the front door. Chase: I'll go in first. I'll find a patient on life support just waiting to die. We'll use their name on all your tests. No one will ever know you're there. Darrien: Thanks. [Cut to Cuddy’s car, also on the way to the hospital. House is lying on the back seat, wearing a sweatshirt and wrapped in a blanket. Rachel is in the front passenger seat. She looks back at House] Rachel: What happened to your leg? House: I was trying to make it better. Cuddy: He was being reckless. Sit back, honey. (to House) This isn't about making your leg better. It's about making your life better. House: Here we go. Wish I had called 911. Cuddy: Why else would you risk your life doing something so stupid? House: Well, you know, I've had a lot of setbacks lately. Cuddy: Don't blame our breakup for this. You're not unhappy because of me. You're just unhappy. Unhappy people do reckless things. [Cut back to Chase’s car. Thirteen is trying to keep Darrien awake] Thirteen: Darrien! Darrien: (waking with a gasp) Stop screaming. My head hurts. Thirteen: I need you to stay awake. Talk to me. Darrien: About what? Thirteen: When you were screaming in my room, what did you think you saw? You said, "put it down on the ground and get away." Chase: Sounds like a cop. Darrien: Old habits, I guess. Thirteen: You were a cop? Darrien: Back when I was a decent person. Thirteen: How do I not know this? You knew everything— Darrien: Not a good resume when you're trying to survive in prison. Thirteen: So who were you talking to in my bedroom? Why did you keep apologizing? Darrien: 'Cause I'm sorry. Thirteen: For what? Darrien: I klled a kid. He was 19. I went in first. Saw him going for his gn. I tried to talk him down, but… (she chuckles) They told me I was a hero. Thirteen: So that's when you started using drugs? I'm sorry. [Darrien closes her eyes] Thirteen: Darrien? Darrien! (to Chase) She lost consciousness. [Chase drives faster, speeding through an intersection where Cuddy’s car sits, waiting for the light to change. Her left turn signal is blinking] House: There are no cars coming. Just go. Rachel: The light is red, ye bloody scallywag. Cuddy: Stop with the pirate talk. House: (imitating the pirate Brownbeard from the cartoon) If you don't want Brownbeard to end up with two wooden legs, better get yer ma to move this ship, you mangy bilge rat. (Rachel giggles and looks back at House) Cuddy: (nodding) Of course… You showed her that filthy cartoon. What kind of idiot lets a three-year-old watch that? House: If you want to lecture me on my poor judgment, there would seem to be more relevant examples. [Cut to Taub standing in front of the strip club. The door opens, and Foreman comes out into the night. Foreman: There you are. You were in the VIP room so long, I thought you were gonna pay off that girl's mortgage. Taub: I got tossed out by Bobby the bouncer. Foreman: You touched her? Taub: I was looking at her mole. Foreman: (chuckling) Genius. Let's go home. Taub: I want to wait for the girl, make sure that mole's okay. Foreman: Bobby the bouncer sees you standing out here like a stalker, he's gonna break open your skull. Taub: It was asymmetrical. It might be cancerous. Foreman: You want to get your skull cracked open. You're trying to punish yourself. Taub: I want to fulfill my oath as a doctor. Foreman: You think you're a screw-up because you got a girl pregnant and you deserve to suffer. You don't. You just need some sleep and you'll handle this mess. Let's get in the car. Taub: She's probably off work soon. Foreman: (zipping up his jacket) Give me the keys. I'll drive. [Taub ignores him] Foreman: I'll get a cab. Good luck with everything. (He walks away) [Cut to Thirteen and Chase, who are now at PPTH. They are in the radiology department scanning Darrien’s head] Chase: You were defending your friend beyond all rationality, granting her the right to die in your bedroom. Was it really all because of a promise? Thirteen: That word means something to some people. Chase: Not that much. Thirteen: (looking at the monitor) I don't see the bleed. I'm moving down to the brain stem. Chase: You promised your brother you'd euthanize him and you think you won't feel bad about it as long as you can blame it on the promise. That's why you have this twisted obligation to keep all promises… or your carefully constructed defense mechanism could crumble down. Thirteen: (trying to hold back tears) I saved my brother from a lot of pain. (looking back at the monitor) Reconstructed image is clear. There's no bleed in Darrien's brain. Chase: Image just blurred. Did she wake up? Thirteen: She's shivering. She must have a fever. Chase: Infection? Thirteen: It couldn't be from the sab. Chase: It has to be from the sab. Thirteen: No, it couldn't be acting that quickly. Chase: Well, then what's wrong with her? [Cut to House, Cuddy, and Rachel, who are also at the hospital now. House is lying on a gurney parked in a busy ER hallway. He is still wearing his sweatshirt and is wrapped in a blanket. Drying blood covers his right leg. An IV has been inserted and he is hooked up to a heart monitor. Cuddy and Rachel sit nearby. Cuddy notices that House’s heart rate is 129. She goes over to the gurney and feels House’s forehead] Cuddy: Your heart rate's over 120. You're clammy. I think you're going into shock. Are you lightheaded? House: I'm fine. [House doesn’t look fine. He is sweating and shivering] House: (to Rachel) Did you see the new Brownbeard episode? Rachel: It was so funny. House: No, it was so lame. Got a boat full of guy pirates and they make the girl pirate walk the plank. Rachel: She floated. House: That's 'cause she had big boobies. That's why he should have kept her. Cuddy: We've got to get you into surgery. Where is that nurse? Rachel, let's go find the nurse. [Cuddy takes Rachel by the hand and walks down the hallway. House closes his eyes, then hearing his phone ring, pulls it out of a pocket with bloody hands, checks to see who is calling, and answers the call. Though in pain, he is trying very hard to sound normal] House: 2:00 a.m. Nice of you to call me back. Thirteen: (talking to House on the phone) Chase and I are in the hospital with a patient. House: You've completely run out of ideas and you're calling me to bail you out. I'm touched. ht me. [Cut to Taub, who is now sitting in his car outside the strip club. The car is running and it is raining outside. The wipers clear the rain as he reaches toward the dashboard to activate the command system] Computerized car voice: Command, please. Taub: Call Ruby. Car: Would you like to call Ruby on mobile? Taub: No. [He reaches toward the dash to deactivate the call] [Cut back to House still talking to Chase and Thirteen on the phone] House: She on any medication… besides crack? Thirteen: She was taking Interferon in prison, so I'm guessing she's had Hep-C for at least ten years. House: Can I guess stuff too? 'Cause that's gonna make the diagnosis really easy. Thirteen: Prison infirmary isn't known for stellar record keeping. Chase: And we can't exactly ask the patient. [The camera pulls back to reveal Darrien in a bed behind them. She is unconscious] House: Yeah, that would have been pre-coma. But how could you have known that it would affect her that way? Chase: We didn't think we had anything mysterious until— House: How about renal cancer throwing clots? Thirteen: Urinalysis was negative. House: That's too bad. 'Cause that was my one big idea. Thirteen: Really? [House looks down at his leg as a fresh spot of blood appears on the blanket] Thirteen: House? House, you there? [House grimaces in pain. He reaches for his bottle of Vicodin, which is lying on the gurney, pops open the lid, spills some pills out on the bed, and dry swallows a couple] House: Tell me more about the patient. What was she doing before prison? Thirteen: She was a cop. sht a kid in self defense, never got over the guilt, started taking drugs, and got busted. House: Way to bury the lead. How long ago was the sh*ting? Thirteen: I'm not sure. Why? House: Again, you assumed she's had Hep-C for ten years. Find out when she sht the kid, you'll find out when she started taking drugs, and when she actually contracted the Hep-C. Chase: And you think this is relevant? House: It's more relevant than what you got now, which is squat. [Cuddy, Rachel, and a nurse come walking down the hallway toward House] House: Three chicks just came into my bedroom. I got to go. (He disconnects) [Cut to Taub still sitting in his car in front of the strip club. He reaches toward the dash to activate the command system] Computerized car voice: Command, please. Taub: Call Rachel. Car: Would you like to call Rachel on mobile? [Taub sees the stripper exit the club. She is using an umbrella as protection against the rain] Taub: (to the command system) No. [Taub gets out of his car, and pulling his coat over his head like an umbrella, approaches the stripper. She is not pleased to see him] Stripper: (backing away from him) What the hell? Taub: I really am a doctor. I just wanted— Stripper: Cop another feel? Get away from me. [She drops the umbrella and rummages in her purse] Taub: No, that mole. I just wanted — please, don't call Bobby. [She has pulled a small pstol out of her purse. Holding if firmly in both hands, she aims it directly at Taub] Taub: (holding up his hands in submission) Just calm down. Stripper: (scared) Shut up! Sick perv! Get down on your knees! You think I'm kidding? Turn around and get down on your knees! [Taub does as she tells him to] Taub: Please don't. Stripper: I said shut up! Taub: (whispering) Please, please… Stripper: You think you're the first guy who thought he was special? Taub: Please… Dina: You think you can do whatever you want? I am not going through that again! [She cocks the gn] Taub: Please… Please… Please… [Taub, looking scared to death, stays on the ground. A car speeds out of the lot behind him, and realizing that she has left, he collapses to the ground in relief] [Cut to Thirteen in the mostly darkened diagnostics conference room. She is surfing on a laptop, looking for information about the sh*ting incident Darrien told them about. Chase approaches with coffee for both of them] Chase: Find anything? Thirteen: Shockingly… a punk kid getting sht pulling a gn on a cop did not make national news. Chase: (putting a cup down on the table beside Thirteen) Is your neck okay? Thirteen: (picking up the coffee cup) Yeah, it's fine. Chase: I'll get you some ice. Thirteen: I said it was fine. Chase: I shouldn't have grabbed you so hard. [Chase is getting some ice out of the minifridge. He wraps it in a towel, then comes back over to Thirteen] Thirteen: You had to. You were right… About everything. [Taking the ice pack from him, she holds it on her neck as she continues with her internet search] Thirteen: (sighing) Oh, I got something. [Chase puts down his coffee and leans in to look at the computer monitor] Thirteen: Darrien must have had a different last name then. She must have been married. Chase: 2008? Is that possible? Thirteen: We never actually talked about how long she'd been in. Chase: House was right. She could have only had her Hep-C for a few years. Thirteen: There's no way the prison would have prescribed Interferon unless the lab showed her Hep-C to be chronic. Chase: (sitting down beside her) So what makes new Hep-C look like old Hep-C? Thirteen: What if she got a parasite? The Hep-C made her susceptible and the parasite sped up the liver damage. Chase: Entamoeba. If they were in a parasitoma, the sab wound could have freed them, sent them coursing through her bloodstream, wreaking havoc. Thirteen: A single bag of Metronidazole. If we're right, she could wake up from the coma in a few hours. [Cut back to Cuddy, sitting with House in preop. House has been cleaned up and is now in a proper bed, wearing a hospital gown. House and Cuddy look at each other with expressions of many mixed emotions, including shame, anger, and disappointment. An OR nurse approaches] Nurse: They're ready for you. [Cuddy gets up to leave, but House stops her.] House: Wait. I want you in there. [With her hand already on the door, she turns back to him] Cuddy: I'm not a surgeon. There's nothing I can do. House: Well, you can make sure that… idiot butcher doesn't cut more than he needs to. [Cuddy comes toward him, but not all the way to the bed] Cuddy: You already signed a release. He's gonna do what he needs to do. House: Yeah, and if that involves chopping off my leg… I want to be sure that that's damn well necessary. (He sighs) Cuddy: House… House: I don't trust him. I trust you. [As the orderlies wheel House into the OR, House looks pleadingly at Cuddy, and she reluctantly follows] [Cut to Thirteen sitting in a chair in Darrien’s hospital room. She sees that Darrien is waking up. She moves quickly to the bed and lifts Darrien’s eyelid to look at her pupils] Thirteen: Can you hear me? Darrien: Yeah. Thirteen: You had parasites in your liver. Probably from a dirty needle or prison… or who knows what? The sab made it worse… But you're gonna be okay. [Darrien smiles, an expression which changes to a frown when she tries to lift her hand off the bed. She is handcuffed to the hospital bed, and a policeman is standing in the doorway behind Thirteen] Thirteen: I'm sorry. We had to. Darrien: I told you I couldn't go back. I shouldn't have trusted you. I never liked you. I klled time with you 'cause I was locked in a cage. You were a distraction. Someone to talk to so I didn't have to think about… everything else. Thirteen: You're lashing out… I get it. But in a month, you'll thank me. [Darrien scoffs] Thirteen: Or maybe you won't. I don't know. But… I know I saved your life. [Darrien is upset as Thirteen leaves the room] [Cut to House recovering after surgery. He is still unconscious, and it is starting to get light outside. Cuddy sits on a couch in the room, with Rachel’s head in her lap. She is stroking her daughter’s hair] Rachel: Is he going to be okay? Cuddy: He'll be fine. Close your eyes. Rachel: I wish House still came over to play. Cuddy: (trying to sound upbeat) Well… maybe you should write him a letter. (Rachel nods) Want to do that? Okay, let's do it. [Rachel sits up as Cuddy pulls a notebook out of her purse] [Cut to Taub approaching Ruby at PPTH] Taub: Ruby. Ruby: You look like hell and you smell like— Taub: I've been doing a lot of thinking. Ruby: Is that glitter on you? Taub: Just hear me out. Back when I still had my practice, this patient came in, 50-year-old guy, wanted a tummy tuck. But when we do some prelim work, we discover that his stomach is filled with cancer. So instead of telling him that he's gonna look great at the beach, I got to tell him that he's dying. Ruby: Were you at a strip club? Taub: Please. The weird part was I was more upset about the whole thing than he was. He actually had to calm me down. Said he had great kids, raised them right, knew that because of them, he was leaving the world a better place. (taking both her hands in his) I thought I might die last night. Ruby: At a strip club? Taub: Yes, I was at a strip club. And while it was happening, I kept thinking about that patient and how I wish I was like him. I want to have this baby. [Cut to Thirteen sitting in the locker room, just staring. The camera pulls back to reveal Chase standing in the locker room also. He shuts his locker] Thirteen: Darrien had to sh*t that kid. It was the right thing. Completely justified. But it didn't matter. She destroyed her life trying to forget. (her voice breaks) I'm afraid that's what's gonna happen to me. Chase: You really should talk to someone. Thirteen: I've talked to a therapist. It didn't help. Chase: Well, maybe you should talk to someone who isn't a therapist. Thirteen: (looking up at Chase) Do you really think you have any idea what it's like to live with something like this? Chase: Let's grab a coffee. [A quick early morning exterior sht of PPTH is followed by time lapse sh*ts of the diagnostics conference room, one of which shows House’s empty office. Next, we see Thirteen and Chase having coffee. Then they are looking through a stack of files. Suddenly Foreman is there also. He stands at the sink getting coffee. Finally, Taub comes in and sits down at the table. The last scenes are accompanied by the music Flume by Bon Iver] [Taub picks up the file Chase and Thirteen have been perusing, then yawns] ♪ only love is all maroon ♪ Chase: Late night? Taub: No. Just haven't had my coffee yet. [Thirteen yawns] ♪ Gluey feathers on a flume ♪ Thirteen: Sympathetic yawn. ♪ Sky is womb ♪ ♪ and she's the moon ♪ Thirteen: (opening a file) Ooh! Amish kid collapsed while picking up a hooker. Top that. Foreman: Missed a call from House last night. He in? [Cut to House in the hospital bed. He is just waking up. He hesitantly slides his hand down his right thigh, not at all sure what he will find] Wilson: (sitting in an easy chair beside the bed) You're lucky. House: What are you doing here? Wilson: You hoping for someone else? House: Hot nurse, candy striper… Someone who doesn't speak English. Someone who doesn't speak judgmental. ♪ Only love is all maroon ♪ [Wilson gets up, and picks up Rachel’s letter off the table at the bottom of the bed] Wilson: You've got mail. ♪ Lapping lakes like leary loons ♪ Wilson: (reading the letter) "I hope your leg feels better and I hope we can be friends again soon, you bloody scallywag." ♪ Leaving rope burns ♪ ♪ reddish ruse ♪ House: I have to pee. Wilson: That's a good sign. [Wilson puts down the letter and hands House an empty urine bottle. House has other ideas] House: (throwing back the blankets) I'm a big boy. Wilson: (coming around to House’s side of the bed) Of course you are. [Wilson reaches to help House out of bed, but House slaps him away] [House manages to stand, but as soon as he lets go of the hospital bed rail, his right leg goes out on him and he sits back down on the bed] Wilson: You're an ass. House: What, for trying to walk on a freshly mangled leg? Performing surgery on myself? For thinking I could solve my emotional problems with rat medicine? If you're gonna nag, at least have the decency to be specific. [House tries to stand again and this time he allows Wilson to support him. The music has stopped] Wilson: Come on. Listen to me. You can't keep going like this. Something has to change. House: Can I pee first? [He looks at Wilson who looks back at him. House nods slightly, then turns away] House: I know.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x22 - After Hours"}	foreverdreaming
Cuddy: Are we, uh, almost done here? I have to call my mother, get my daughter, call the hospital. Officer Soltes: So he didn't thrat you? Cuddy: No. Soltes: No fight? Cuddy: Not really. Soltes: Sounds like a yes. [She looks up at him. She gives a very tiny shake of her head.] Was there any indication that something would happen? Cuddy: Yeah… [mirthless chuckle] Every moment I spent with him. I was always waiting for something to happen. But this… [her face tightens and she shakes her head slightly] Soltes: And no idea where he is? Cuddy: No. Soltes: These domestic situations, it's not uncommon to get cold feet. Cuddy: Are you asking me to file charges? Just give me the paperwork. If Greg House steps foot in my hospital again, comes anywhere near me, I want him thrown in jail. [Title Card] [Three Days Earlier] [An axe is hanging by it’s handle in front of a white brick wall. It twists slowly. There’s a orange and red fan, also hanging as are a can of paint thinner, a flashlight, goggles, a box of strike anywhere matches, bllts, a mirror, scissors, etc. Everything is hanging from a metal rack suspended from the ceiling. The only other objects in the room are empty book cases on each side, a window in the center and a chair. Afsoun Hamidi, the performance artist, sits on the chair. She is wearing a white evening gown. Luca, Afsoun’s assistant, stands to the side, next to a hanging collar, chain, clamps, and baseball bat. A female patron approaches him. The other visitors to the installation have Afsoun with their backs to the camera.] Female Patron: So… we can use any of these? Luca: Yeah. [Afsoun sits perfectly still on her chair. Her neck is held high. Her hair is in a French braid and she has tasteful makeup on (although she didn’t blend her foundation well at the neckline.) She blinks.] Female Patron: And just do whatever we want to her? Luca: That's what they're there for. [The patron laughs slightly and moves toward Afsoun. The screen goes black.] [Cut to House’s bed in the ICU. The team surrounds him and his laptop.] House: Hey. We were just getting to the good part. Chase: Is there a good part? It was performance art. Thirteen: That's Afsoun Hamidi. She's a genius. She just won the MacArthur, legally proving it. Just had a retrospective at the Tate Modern. Nobody reads The New Yorker? House: Nope. But I subscribe to her patient file. Chase: House, you should relax. You had surgery this morning. House: Minor surgery, removing a drain. Chase: Put there during major surgery. House: My doctor says it's okay as long as I don't leave my hospital bed. Taub: Which doctor was that — Seuss or J? House: Nurse. Nurse: Dr. Hourani wrote it in his chart. [Foreman grabs the chart and reads it. He raises his eyebrows.] Thirteen: I'm surprised he approved it. I'm more surprised you actually asked. House: I do things like that now. I'm making some changes… like skipping ahead to minute 37. [Afsoun’s audience is closer now and in a circle around her. She’s wearing the chain as a necklace. The are blobs of gray paint on her face, chest, arms and dress. A large Knfe is in her right hand, pointing up and back. She doesn’t move. A blonde woman on the floor is cutting Afsoun’s skirt. She stops and jumps up as one guy takes the can of paint thinner and pours it over Afsoun’s shoulders.] Chase: [leaning in to watch the monitor] What is that — paint thinner? [Back at the installation, the guy has put down the can of paint thinner and takes the box of matches down. He pulls out a match and approaches Afsoun.] [Chase turns off the video.] Chase: I'm not gonna watch a woman get set on fre. House: Philistine. [Back at the gallery, the guy strikes the match. As he approaches her, writing can be seen on Afsoun’s face – there must have been a black Sharpie in the exhibit. On her right cheek, after a blob of paint, it says “iar.” Running down the left side of her face is 七転八起 (7 falls, 8 rises.)] Thirteen: Who's the guy with the notebook who can't decide what to do? House: Her assistant. He's been instructed not to intervene. Spoiler alert — he does. [Luca drops what he’s holding and wrestles the guy away from Afsoun who moves for the first time, turning her head to watch them. She looks worried.] For her, it is literally heartbreaking. [Afsoun falls off her stool and is stretched out on the floor.] Let the games begin. Chase: Arrhythmia, high hematocrit, and inconsistent RR variability. Foreman: You forgot about the fourth symptom — being completely crazy. Thirteen: One man's crazy is another woman's art. Her work explores things like gender politics and self-image. House: And the pressing issue of shaving your entire body in public while wearing a monkey mask. [He pulls up a picture of that from an on-line article.] Thirteen: She saw her mom commit su1c1de and was abused by her stepdad for years. Foreman: Didn't say the crazy wasn't motivated. Thirteen: Well, she took that pain and transformed it into art. That's better than a lot of the alternatives. Foreman: I still vote for nuts. We should run a resting-state functional MRI to look for increased activity in the dorsal nexus. House: She's not nuts. Chase: The monkey-mask-shaving medium really speaks to you? House: What speaks to me is she's elevated being full of crap to a genuine art form and made a fortune doing it. People that pay 20 grand for one of her video stills, on the other hand, really do need their dorsal nexi checked. Thirteen: Maybe the paint thinner set off an allergic reaction. Chase: Not without bronchospasm. Taub: There was a space heater next to her in the gallery. House: [pulling up the picture of Afsoun lying on the floor] Carbon monoxide poisoning. It fits. Put her in a hyperbaric chamber. [They leave. House closes the monitor and retrieves his cell phone from the bedside table.] [Cut to Cuddy pulling her phone from her purse. She’s in the “World’s Best Coffee” coffee bar. A nice-looking guy in a dress shirt and tie sees her and turns around. Jerry: Lisa. You're Lisa Cuddy. Cuddy: What's this about? Jerry: I'm sorry. I'm Jerry Barrett. I recognize you from the photos. They barely do you justice. Cuddy: [to the barista] The usual. Jerry: I'm friends with your sister. She showed me your photos. I-I work at the bank across the street. Um, Julia's my client. She… wanted to set us up. Cuddy: Oh, I-I'm afraid you have me mixed up with somebody else. Jerry: N-no, I don't think so. I-I've seen many pictures of you several times. [She looks at him.] That didn't sound the way I wanted— Cuddy: I guess I just have one of those faces. It's nice to meet you. Jerry: [to her retreating back] Yeah, s-say hi to Lisa Cuddy when you meet her in the office you share. [Cut to the doors to the ICU opening. Cuddy enters.] Cuddy: Oh, thank God. The I.C.U. isn't being attcked by giant radioactive spiders. House: Did I text you that? That was meant for my dream journal. I wanted to return your stuff. Don't worry. I didn't go AWOL. I had my wife-maid bring it over. [There’s a cardboard box on House’s tray table. Cuddy looks inside.] Cuddy: My sweater, a coffee mug, a half-used bottle of lotion, and a DVD of “Marley & Me.” House: Given your thing for Owen Wilson, I thought you might want those last two back asap. Cuddy: I don't get it. House: You masturbate to Owen Wilson. Cuddy: I meant the box. House: Oh. It's a symbolic gesture. I want things to go back to the way they were before we started dating — no more bad feelings, no more issues, just work. [she nods, skeptically] Thanks for coming. [He grabs his laptop from the bedside table as he dismisses her.] Cuddy: I haven't even spoken to you since you hurt yourself. House: I was self-destructive. It won't happen again. I'm making changes. I'm gonna stop doing stupid things. Cuddy: Great. The smart thing to do would be to talk about why you did it. If you don't understand— House: I think I could avoid putting another hole in my leg without talking about my mother. Cuddy: Well, I don't want to find out you're wrong by getting another phone call from you in a bloody bathtub. House: I'm a big believer that the best way to get past the past is to sh*t it in the head, bury it in a deep pit, and pour lye on it. Cuddy: [sitting on the foot of the bed] I'm just asking you to talk about it. You owe me. [He looks suspicious.] Forget about saving your life. You exposed my daughter to that obnoxious pirate cartoon. [He looks around as he thinks about this.] House: Bring me lunch tomorrow, and we can plumb my depths. [Cuddy smiles and leaves. He doesn’t look happy. He leans over and takes a familiar orange vial from his bedside table. He opens it, pours some in his hand and eats them.] [Cut to the hyperbaric chamber. Afsoun is in what looks like a glass coffin. Thirteen and Foreman are at computer monitors behind a desk. Luca stands between the desk an Afsoun.] Luca: I should have known the gallery wasn't ventilated enough. Thirteen: Hey, if it wasn't for you, we'd be treating her for third-degree burns, too. Afsoun: That was a mistake. He shouldn't have interfered. Luca: I told you I'm sorry. I want to share your commitment, but it's hard for me sometimes. Foreman: Like when she read your love letters in the middle of the New Museum? Yes, I read The New Yorker. Luca: That was a year ago. And we're — we're not together anymore. Foreman: Seriously, you weren't really gonna let that guy set you on fre. He was just a plant to get the crowd going, right? Afsoun: If that's your interpretation, I welcome it. Luca: Afsoun believes explaining her work limits its potential. But between us, he was real and a total dick. Foreman: No sane person would let themselves be brned alive for the sake of art. Afsoun: My work is meant to force the audience to break with the rational and see things in a new way. Foreman: Fine. No sane person would let themselves be brned alive to "break with the rational." Afsoun: I feel… [She raises her head and starts vomiting. Thirteen and Foreman rush over.] Thirteen: Luca, hand me the oxygen mask behind you. [nothing] Luca! [Luca stands still with his eyes closed as Afsoun coughs, pressing her hands against the glass of the chamber.] [Cut to Taub doing an ultrasound on Ruby. She smiles broadly.] Taub: Congratulations. It's a gestational sac. Can't see anything this early. Ruby: I know. I just figured this would help me process what's happening. There's a lot we got to figure out. Taub: We have almost eight months. You're not having doubts, are you? Ruby: No. Are you? Taub: Definitely not. Nice, cozy home for little Ruben. [Ruby makes an “ick” face.] It's a family name. Ruby: It's a sandwich. Taub: Named for my family. ♪♫ If you like piña coladas [Taub pulls his phone out of his pocket. Rachel Taub is calling. There’s a picture of her on the screen. Taub presses the “decline” button.] Taub: It's just House. [Cut to Cuddy’s dining room. She’s talking to Julia while she sorts a basket of clean clothes.] Cuddy: I swear to God, stay out of my personal life. Julia: Where is the downside here? Cuddy: Huh? Julia: Jerry is cute. He's a senior V.P. He kite-surfs in Costa Rica every winter, and he loves his mother. Cuddy: Seasonally? Or is that just the kite-surfing? Julia: Is this about House? Cuddy: What? Like I secretly wish I could alter the laws of the universe, change who we are, and magically make it work out? Julia: Yes, that's exactly what I'm asking. Cuddy: My sarcasm indicated no. Julia: No, your sarcasm indicated you wanted to avoid actually saying anything. Look, Lisa… all I know is you seem stuck. And I don't like seeing you like that. [Cut to House’s ICU bed. Thirteen and Foreman are there.] Foreman: She got worse in the hyperbaric chamber. It's not C.O. poisoning. Thirteen: I think we should consider infection and test the assistant. I couldn't get his attention. He was in a daze. Foreman: You think that's a symptom? He's in love with her. He was probably overwhelmed, couldn't decide what to do. House: What's he been doing since she was admitted? Did he bring anything from the patient room to the treatment room? Foreman: A few things — a handbag, flowers, stuffed elephant. House: Does she seem like the kind of woman who needs a stuffed animal? [He rolls over and gets his cell phone from the bedside table. He starts to dial.] Thirteen: Who are you calling? [Her phone rings.] Oh, of course. House: [flirtatious, sleazy] What are you wearing? [fake “duh” expression] Oh, I can see what you're wearing. Go to her room. [Thirteen leaves.] [Cut to Afsoun’s room. She’s smiling at Luca who stands next to her bed. Thirteen enters.] House: [voice on the phone] Now go address the elephant in the room. [Thirteen walks to the bed tray. An incredibly cute stuffed elephant is there, next to Afsoun’s purse. She pulls one of its ears up as she starts to inspect it. Afsoun sits up. She and Luca both watch. Thirteen undoes a zipper in the elephant’s back.] Thirteen: This is a Nanny Cam. [Luca sighs. Afsoun listens with interest.] House: [voice on the phone] The reason Luca couldn't decide what to do in the treatment room is the same as in the gallery. He's been told not to intervene. Congratulations. We've become her latest work of art. [Thirteen holds the elephant up and leans into it. Her face and the scene behind her become distorted as if they were being seen in a highly convex mirror.] [Cut to House’s bed. He mugs for the elephant then turns it on the team as Thirteen fills them in.] Thirteen: It shouldn't have surprised us. All her work is based on personal traumas. She's had Luca taking notes, videotape her treatments, collect things, like sharps and bandages. It'll all go into a gallery installation. Taub: Well, then I guess as long as long as the exploitation is properly motivated, it's all okay. ♪♫ If you like piña coladas [The team watches as Taub takes his phone from his pocket and turns it off.] Chase: Ultrasound showed a cyst on her pancreas — we drained it. Taub: Why are we even discussing this case? She lied to us. It's opening us up to malpractice. House: Our practice opens us up to malpractice. Foreman: How do we know she's actually sick? House: Her being sick is a clue. Foreman: She would have let that guy set her on fre for the sake of her work. You think she's scared of a little arrhythmia? She probably huffed paint thinner. Thirteen: She would have let him set her on fre because of the honesty of her work. Faking an illness doesn't fit. House: Thirteen's right — at least her conclusion was. Everything else was laughably wrong. If the patient induced pancreatitis and a heart attck, she'd be suicidal. Chase: Exactly. She's risking her life all the time. House: Exactly. If she wanted to be dad, she'd be dad a long time ago. Pretending to cheat death pays better than watercolors. Coxsackie B fits. But do a spiral C.T. of her biliary tree to rule out gallstones. Foreman: Fine. I'll get the C.T. House: Sure. I'd be happy to come with you. Thanks for asking. [Alarms start beeping as House detaches wires from his body/] Foreman: You're supposed to stay in bed — doctor's orders. [Sitting up with difficulty.] House: If you really cared about me, you wouldn't be so obvious when you scheme to prove me wrong. You volunteered because you want to C.T. her lungs, not her biliary tree. You want to find fibrosis and prove your "paint thinner" theory. If I don't come with, when you fail, you'll pretend you never tried. I don't really have a choice, now, do I? [House props himself up on metal crutches. Everyone looks at Foreman who admits House is right by turning around and leading the way without a fight.] [Cut to C.T. House is spinning in his chair while Foreman monitors the scan. House stops and looks pointedly at Foreman who pulls some money from his pocket .] House: Since I've seen your paycheck, I probably shouldn't. [He takes the money.] Canned beans aren't so bad… as long as they're cooked over an oil-drum fre under a bridge with the king of the hobos. Afsoun: I feel dizzy. [Foreman rushes over and gets her out of the machine. She is shaking.] Foreman: Pale, diaphoretic, tachycardic, B.P., 80 over 40. Internal bleeding? House: Get her out of here and scope her. [Cut to the ICU. Cuddy enters with two take-away trays. House’s bed is empty. She sighs, exasperated.] [Cut to Afsoun’s room. Chase and Foreman are looking for the source of the bleed using a needle and ultrasound. Luca is at the foot of the bed, taking pictures.] Chase: I’m sorry. Afsoun: Ooh. Chase: The colonoscopy didn't find the bleed, so we got to look by your liver. [Luca stops sh*ting and stands there, looking worried.] Afsoun: Luca, please. We need to document everything. [He takes more pictures.] Ooh. Foreman: Hold this. [Chase takes an instrument from him. Foreman turns, takes the camera from Luca, opens the trash can and drops the camera inside. He returns to the procedure.] Foreman: I'm just below the celiac artery. [Luca picks up the elephant and gets his pictures that way.] Foreman: No blood. Chase: Could it be leaking into her thighs? Foreman: [lifting the blanket to look at her legs] No swelling, no asymmetry. Chase: So where's the blood going? [Foreman inspects Afsoun’s feet.] Why are you looking down there? Foreman: 'Cause I don't like beans. [Cut to the ICU. House has the curtains around his bed drawn. He’s reading and taking notes. Cuddy pushes the curtains open, angrily and closes the curtains behind her.] Cuddy: You stood me up. House: Sorry. Should have scheduled my patient's internal bleeding for Thursday. Cuddy: You're still playing the same petty, passive-aggressive games. House: Got you to go all the way to the second floor of a building you work in. Boy, did I screw with you. Cuddy: You said you were going to change. House: Check the sign. It says you got to treat me with intensive care. Cuddy: I'm expressing my anger. You should try it. Right now, let's finally have our fight. House: All we do is fight. Cuddy: No, all you've done is pull pranks or have temper tantrums with Wilson, never me, marry mail-order prosttute, make me go to your wedding— House: Dominika is a licensed aesthetician. Cuddy: You cut open your own leg. House: So all this was about you? Cuddy: You don't think it was even related? House, we've never even had a conversation about our breakup. You are obviously still angry at me. And it's hurting both of us. House: Wow, I hadn't realized the incredible healing power of lunch. Cuddy: I know one conversation isn't gonna solve everything, but it is a start. [Foreman pulls the curtain open. She turns to him.] It's a privacy curtain. Foreman: [calmly] It wasn't working. [Cuddy looks at House who nods.] House: Lunch at 1:00, tomorrow in the cafeteria. You happy? [She tosses her head and leaves slowly. House reaches for his pills and takes some.] Foreman: How many of those have you had today? House: I don't know. Is "your mother" a number? Foreman: The patient is a fraud. I found a puncture in the dorsal vein of her left foot. House: sh**ting up heroin wouldn't explain— Foreman: Not heroin. She was injecting herself with her own red blood cells. It caused her heart issues, and when her hematocrit evened out, we mistook it for internal bleeding. House: It must have been a very distinctively shaped and awfully talkative puncture for you to get all of that. Foreman: Browser history on her laptop helped. [He hands House a file folder.] She was researching blood doping among other things. [Inside is an article “The World’s Best Diagnostics Department.” House looks slightly stunned as he flips to the next page.] House: She was researching me? Foreman: For months. This isn't about creating art in the moment. It's about you. She set you up. [Cut to Cuddy’s lawn at night. The unreal quality of the sound and activity is still there. Wilson sits, nursing his broken wrist which is in a cast.] Soltes: We sent a uni over to his apartment and the hospital. Wilson: Yeah, he won't be there. Soltes: Any ideas? Wilson: When you find him, you're gonna arrest him? Soltes: Is there some reason you think I shouldn't? Wilson: Knowing him, he'll be in a bar. He'll find one that matches how he feels inside. It'll be the most dark, depressing hole you can find in New Jersey. [Cut to Afsoun’s room. House is at the foot of her bed, leaning on his crutches.] House: Now you're just pissing me off. Luca: I'm really sorry. I-I didn't know she researched you. I had no idea she— House: If you don't know anything, then why are you talking? Afsoun: Please don't take it out on Luca. House: I'll take it out on whoever I think will irritate you the most. Afsoun: I thought you would understand someone who uses their work to deal with pain. House: I didn't realize that search engines could look within the soul. Afsoun: You're standing in front of me in a hospital gown. House: What the hell was the point of this? What personal trauma are you exploiting. I’m… sorry — mining for its artistic potential? Afsoun: My illness. I did the blood doping to intrigue you, but I was already ill. [House looks stunned.] Luca: Wait. You're really sick? House: Why me? Luca: Do you know what you have? Afsoun: Yes. Luca: So tell him. Afsoun: If I do, there won't be any game for him, and then there won't be any art for us. House: [annoyed] Why me? Afsoun: I don't answer those questions. House: You know, there's a lot of games I could play that don't involve dealing with narcissistic, manipulative poseurs. Afsoun: But this is a puzzle tailor-made for you. You don't know which of my symptoms are real, which are fake, which ones I'm not even telling you about. I know that intrigues you. Do you really want to end it now? House: [quietly] No. [Cut to House’s bed in the ICU] Chase: You want us to waste a bed on her? House: You took an oath… an oath to be cool. At least that was the one I mumbled under my breath while everyone else was doing the boring one. Foreman: Even if she is sick, which I don't believe, she also says she has a diagnosis. So it's either just a lie, or it's just a game. House: So what? I like the game. It's fun. Go get a blood culture. Check for parasites and bacteria. Foreman: This is the new House — half the leg power, twice the irresponsibility? House: The new House is about making my life healthier. Never said anything about yours. Go get her blood. [No one moves. Finally Thirteen looks at the others.] Thirteen: I'll do it. He's going through a tough patch right now. If this is the distraction he needs to keep him in his hospital bed, I'm sure it's better than any of the alternatives. [she leaves] House: That was incredibly condescending. Did it work? [Chase shrugs and follows Thirteen. Taub and Foreman look at each other but don’t move — yet.] ♪♫ If you like piña coladas [Cut to Taub and Foreman in an elevator. Taub pulls out is phone and turns it off.] Foreman: Why do you keep ducking your wife's calls? Taub: Ex-wife. Foreman: I'm sure she just wants to congratulate you about knocking up a 22-year-old nurse. Taub: I haven't told her yet. Foreman: But you have told her you're not gonna sleep with her anymore, right? [silence] How are you planning on letting her know? Just invite her to the bris? Taub: I'm trying to let her down easy. Rachel never wanted to have kids. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Foreman: Yeah. You are all about feelings. Taub: I've loved Rachel for 20 years. What if she never speaks to me again? Foreman: She's gonna find out. It better be from you. You can't cheat your way out of this one. [The elevator doors open and he leaves. Taub doesn’t move.] [Cut to Afsoun’s room. Chase and Thirteen are there. As Chase does something, possibly injects something in her arm, she half sits up and wimpers.] Thirteen: What is it? Afsoun: Oh, just the nausea. Luca: She said her back was hurting earlier. Thirteen: What's the pain level on a scale of one to ten? Afsoun: Five. Chase: How do we know we can take her word for it? Thirteen: We can't. Fun, huh? [to Afsoun] Roll on your side. [She and Chase check Afsoun’s hip which is purple.] Chase: Grey Turner's sign. Thirteen: We're done playing. Your pancreas is releasing corrosive enzymes. It'll eat away at the surrounding organs. Chase: But you must know that. The doctor who diagnosed you would have said what will happen if you don't get treatment. [Afsoun weakly turns her head and looks at them when they are talking but she doesn’t say a word.] Luca; Just tell them. If you know what's wrong with you, tell them so they can fix it. Afsoun: How many projects have we done together? You're always so worried. Have you ever gone wrong trusting me? [Luca bows his head. Thirteen looks perplexed.] [Cut to House’s ICU bed. He’s watching his soap on a handheld TV. Thirteen enters.] Thirteen: That pancreatic cyst we drained — it's back, and she doesn't care at all. House: You think she actually is suicidal. Thirteen: I would, but how did she give herself the cysts? Tox screen was negative, and there's no sign of trauma. House: [reaching for his laptop] There is another explanation. The reason she didn't react isn't 'cause she wants to die. It's 'cause she knows she can't do anything about it. Whatever she has is fatal. [He turns the screen so Thirteen can see the picture House pulled up. Afsoun looks drawn and ashen.] That should narrow it down. [Cut to the MRI room. Afsoon is in the machine. House is at the computer and Luca is in the control room with him. The room is bathed in the same green light it was in The Social Contract when House got Cuddy to come down so the patient could compliment her pistons.] Luca: What are we doing here? House: Testing a theory. It's based on some stuff you can't understand, like RR variability, and some stuff you can, like the fact that she shaved her head in an art piece four months ago. [Afsoun’s face is framed on the monitor which is right next to the elephant cam.] Luca: That was a commentary on society's— House: It was a commentary on the fact that it was gonna fall out anyway, and she wanted to hide why. Luca: Cancer? Are–are you sure about that? House: See that tumor-ish thingamajig near her "brainamabob"? Luca: [almost inaudibly] Oh, God. House: Are you getting this? Game's over. I won. Primary CNS lymphoma with associated paraneoplastic syndrome. Luca: Is that really what it is? Afsoun: Yes. Four months ago, I had some vision and balance problems, and New York Mercy diagnosed me. The tumor was too close to the brain stem to cut out, so they did a few rounds of radiation. But it didn't work, and they sent me home. Luca: That was around the time you broke up with me. Afsoun: We were having a fling. It wouldn't have been fair to involve you. Luca: I'm involved now. You just didn't want to open up. Afsoun: Luca, my mind was not clear then. House: And then you cleared it. Then you realized you could use your death to make your magnum opus. Maybe you wanted to show that no one can cheat death, even an entire team of doctors with unlimited resources. Or maybe your first doctors didn't treat you like a person — just a series of symptoms. You wanted to re-create that depersonalization. And I was the man to see. Afsoun: If that was what I thought, I don't any longer. You spent time with me. You took this personally. House: No, I didn't. And I don't actually think your piece is about anything. I think you just figured out that you're mortal. You're just a bag of cells and waste with an expiration date. You wanted to act out. You wanted people to notice. [pause] Maybe you even prayed for a different answer this time. [He picks up the elephant cam and holds it at arms length.] I got a title for your piece — "It Doesn't Mean Anything." [Cut to the ICU. House enters. The curtains around his cubicle are drawn. He lifts his crutches to shoulder height and uses them to part the curtains left and right, simultaneously. Wilson is standing by the bed, waiting.] Wilson: You're forging my name on prescriptions again. House: No. [Wilson waits.] What you just said implies that I stopped at some point. Wilson: 20 minutes ago, I put a notice out to all local pharmacies to require verbal authorization before filling my prescriptions. House: You have any idea how much extra work you've just given yourself? You're not gonna last a week. Wilson: I've been dealing with this for years. But it's over — your liver, your hearing, never mind the fact that each scrip you write is a separate felony. You will serve time, so could I. House: You've chosen this moment to give me crap about my Vicodin use? Wilson: [picking up a pill bottle from the bed table] You filled this three days ago. Now it's almost half gone. House: So is my leg. Wilson: It's a month supply. The amount you're taking has nothing to do with physical pain. House: Okay. So maybe I am trying to numb myself a little, because I'm trying to change, trying to stop being self-destructive. Wilson: So you can only handle not self-destructing by being self-destructive? House: What do you want from me? Wilson: I don't know, House, but I'm worried about you. I don't know how many times I can watch you cut off pieces of yourself. Now it's the I.C.U. Next time it'll be the morgue. You're miserable. And you're angry. And I want you to actually deal with that and not just try to medicate the issue away. [House looks away and thinks.] House: No. You know what I feel right now? I don't feel miserable or angry. I don't feel good or bad. I feel… nothing… which feels great. Wilson: What are you doing? House: Moving on. In the direction of my house, where I got some more pills. [House has been moving around as Wilson was talking. It turns out he was packing. He shoulders his backpack and walks out.] [Cut to the nurses’ desk. House is checking out, having stopped to put on some clothes — jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie.] Nurse: If you're discharging yourself against doctor's orders, you've got to check that box. House: I'm a doctor. So, technically— Nurse: Wouldn't it be easier if you just checked the box? [House picks up the pen, puts the point in the box and, with a flourish, makes a checkmark that covers the entire page. He picks up his bag and turns… and sees Afsoun in her bed.] [Cut to Afsoun’s room] House: Why are you still here? Afsoun: I'm going as soon as the nurse brings me something for my eczema. [She fidgets and scratches her chest. House looks interested and moves closer.] I figured it was irritated by the paint thinner poured on me in the gallery. Luca: Does this mean something? House: It's not eczema. And it's not cancer. [Cut to Afsoun’s room. It’s night and her test results are back.] Chase: It's Wegener's granulomatosis. Biopsy confirmed that what you thought was eczema was actually a swelling of the blood vessels in your skin. It also explains the pancreatitis and the mass in your brain. And it's treatable. [Afsoun frowns and nods appreciatively. House sits and watches.] Luca: Um… what's the treatment? Chase: We could do steroids alone to shrink the growth in your brain, but it's much better to add another course of radiation. Afsoun: Radiation? On my brain? But it made me fuzzy last time. It was harder to work. I am still slowed down from it. House: And it'll get worse. But, you know, dying can also do a number on your ability to think. Afsoun: I'm sorry. I can't do the radiation. Luca: They just said it was a better treatment. It could save your life. Afsoun: My life's not worth anything if I can't do my art. Luca: You have friends, people who care about you. Afsoun: This is my brain, my work, and my life, Luca. Luca: You have more. This is not some great performance piece anymore. This is just crazy. Afsoun: I'm sorry. Luca: I can't watch you die… not when you can save yourself. [he kisses her brown] Good-bye, Afsoun. [Luca leaves. Afsoun, Chase and House look at each other. Finally she raises her eyebrows to House, inviting his comment.] House: Good for you. [That wasn’t the response she expected.] [Cut to the cafeteria. It’s the next day and House has been home. He’s wearing a jacket and dress shirt for his lunch with Cuddy.] House: So. Cuddy: So. Why did I ever ban alcohol from the cafeteria? Before I forget, there's a brush. Tortoise-shell handle, natural bristles — wasn't in the box. If you could look for it… House: Like the Lindbergh baby. You dating anyone? Cuddy: We don't have to— House: Look, it's just standard lunch conversation. Cuddy: Not for us. House: Okay, well, if you've gone over to the "we don't talk about things" side, then I've got a pot roast in the oven. [checks his watch] Cuddy: No. I haven't dated anyone since you. House: Well, you know what they say — once you go gimp… Cuddy: We s-should talk about your leg. House: [rubbing his face] You think I have unresolved issues, and you are the unresolved issues. Cuddy: Yes. But it's–it's — I think it's more than that. It's your life, your choices. House: I did it to fix my life. No, wait. No, I did it because I'm a deeply unhappy person. [raises one finger in “hold on a sec” manner] No–no, I did it to get sympathy from you. I did it to piss you off. I did it because I'm not over you. Or I was over you, and I was moving on. I did it because I wanted to know what it's like not to be in pain. I did it because I want to feel more pain. [Cuddy watches but doesn’t react.] Whatever the reason, it was a bad reason and a bad idea. That's all that matters. [getting up, fake cheerful] Good lunch. [Cuddy follows. She catches up with him in the hallway.] Cuddy: House… talk to me! House: I already did. [She gets in front of him so he has to stop.] Cuddy: No, you just parroted back what Wilson and I've been saying to you the last few days. House: Get out of my way. Cuddy: No. [She looks down and touches his leg.] Oh, you pulled a stitch. House, please just talk to me. [She takes his arms, trying to turn him to face her and he explodes. He pushes her against a wall and seems to compress. His nose is about half an in higher than hers and a whole lot closer than that.] House: [loud] You want to know how I feel? [two deep breaths then, quietly] I feel hurt. [She takes his hands from her upper arms and holds them.] Cuddy: I know. I'm sorry. House: It's not your fault. [He pulls his hands free and walks off.] [Cut to Afsoun’s room. Thirteen is there.] Afsoun: Did I make the wrong choice? Five years, through every opening, every installation, every day and every night, he was there the whole time. Thirteen: Except the first time you were diagnosed. You broke up with him, and you had to go through all of that alone. Maybe that's the real reason you're doing this piece — so that this time you can have him with you. You still could. [Cut to the coffee bar. Cuddy enters as Jerry is about to leave.] Cuddy: Hi. Uh, Lisa Cuddy. Nice to meet you. I'm sorry about the other day. I — there were some personal things going on in my life, and I wasn't at my best. Jerry: Well, in retrospect, my approach could've come off as a little creepy. Cuddy: No. [laughs] On a scale from one to creepy, you were maybe mildly unnerving. [Cut to the hospital. Taub comes down a hall and sees Rachel talking to someone.] Loudspeaker: Paging Dr. Stateman. Dr. Stateman, please. Taub: Rache. Sorry I ducked your calls. I keep making the same mistakes, but at some point— Rachel: Chris… I'm pregnant. [They look at each other then he speaks in ultra slow motion.] Taub: I… didn't expect that. [Cut to House’s office. Thirteen enters but stops when she sees House has his jeans down near his knees. There’s a white bandage around his right thigh. His back is to the camera so we can’t see the damage from the pulled stitch.] House: Sorry. Just checking the stitches on my penis. [pulls his jeans up.] Thirteen: Your leg okay? House: It's healing. Thirteen: Good. Just came to grab the radiation-therapy forms. House: What? Thirteen: Afsoun changed her mind. [Cut to Afsoun’s room. She’s holding a long-stemmed white and pink rose. Luca sits next to her. House enters.] House: [to Luca] Get out. [He leaves and he turns to her.] You made a decision. Afsoun: I changed my mind. House: Why? Afsoun: Because there are more important things than— House: Than what — than your brain, your abilities? It's where everything comes from — any meaning in your life, any happiness. Afsoun: Not all happiness— House: He's already left once. He's gonna leave you again. You don't need to depend on people who are gonna let you down. If you do this, you're a pathetic hypocrite. You're saying that your whole life, all your work up until him was a pointless— Afsoun: [fighting tears] Why are you doing this? [He stops and realizes what he’s doing. He bows his head for a moment, turns and leaves. Luca goes back in. Part-way down the hall, House turns and sees them in an embrace, comforting each other.] [Cut to House’s apartment. It’s almost dusk the same day. He is sitting in a hard chair, staring out the window. There’s a knock on the door. House takes a pill. He puts the bottle next to his phone, which is ringing. He looks at it but doesn’t touch it.] Wilson: [through the door] House I can hear your phone ringing. [House pushes himself up, takes his cane and opens the door. He steps away, allowing Wilson to enter.] Wilson: You alright? You go to lunch with Cuddy? House: Yeah. Wilson: How was it? House: The pasta Arrabbiata was cold. Wilson: Why don't we get a drink? We could go to the Sawmill. [House turns away then walks into the bathroom. He picks up Cuddy’s hairbrush and looks at it.] House: Cuddy's is on the way. I need to return this. Wilson: You think she's going to have an emergency tangle? House: It was on my mind. I want to get it off. [Cut to Cuddy’s house. House and Wilson pull up and park at the curb. It has inexplicably gotten brighter since they left House’s apartment. House removes his seat belt.] Wilson: Want me to come? House: If I get in trouble? I'm delivering a hair brush. [House climbs the stairs at the bottom of Cuddy’s walk and approaches the house. He stops and stares at the scene in the dining room. Cuddy is standing and smiling. She takes the coffee press and heads for the kitchen. Seated next to her empty chair is Jerry. Across from them are Julia and her husband. Jerry stands, holding his mug and a plate, as Cuddy returns with the refilled pot. She points him toward the living room.] [On the lawn, House hasn’t moved other than to twist the hairbrush in his hand. He turns around and walks back to the car with difficulty. He gets behind the wheel and closes the door.] Wilson: What just happened? House: Get out. Wilson: What just happened? House: [enunciating] Get out. [Wilson recognizes how serious House is and gets out. He leans back in and tries to talk to him.] Wilson: House, what are you mad about? Just let it out. You’ll feel better. [House reaches over and pulls the passenger door shut. Wilson stands back from the car, frustrated, and House turns the engine on. He peels off, down the road. As he reaches the intersection, he turns the wheel hard and does a 180º controlled skid. He stays there for a moment, glowering, then slams on the gas.] [Back at the House, Wilson watches, tight-lipped. As House approaches, Wilson realizes what’s happening just in time. He jumps back, landing on his hand, just as House jumps the curb and keeps going.] Wilson: Aah! [House hits the window he was looking into just moments before and cuts through the wall like it’s papier-mâché. The table goes flying and the car finally stops when it reaches the sideboard.] [Cuddy holds the wall as she turns the corner from the other room in time to see the chandelier fall. House tries to open his door but it’s stuck. He hits it twice with the heel of his hand and it gives way. He gets out and slams the door shut as Jerry comes up behind Cuddy, still holding his coffee cup.] [House looks over the car. Julia and her husband are there, too. He picks his way through the rubble in front of the car. When he gets to the other side, Cuddy steps forward to face him. She looks like she’s in shock and might pass out. House stands for a second then sticks up his hand with the hairbrush in it. Numbly, she takes it. He turns and leaves.] [House strides down the walk with the rear of his 1988 Dodge Dynasty sticking out into the garden behind him. He reaches Wilson who is cradling his wrist, mouth agape.] House: [cheerfully] You're right. I feel much better. Bartender: You want another one? House: No, I think I've had enough. What do you think I should do today? Bartender: I don't know. [hopefully] Go home? House: Not tonight. Cheers.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x23 - Moving On"}	foreverdreaming
Delaire: Given good… [he flips a page in the file] …ish behavior and 8 of 12 months time served, we have the discretion to grant parole, Friday the 10th, five days from now. [He closes the file, folds his hands on the table and looks directly at House.] Are you sorry about what you did? [House pauses before answering. There is a uniformed guard standing between him and the door.] House: Yes. [A couple of people on the panel shift. Delaire looks at them then back at House.] Delaire: Yes? House: Well, that's the correct answer, isn't it? Female Case Worker: Are you trying to annoy us? House: No, I'm just trying to give you the answers you need to cover your asses, fill out your forms, and let me out of here. Female Case Worker: We need you to show us remorse. House: Is that how our system works? Release the best actors? I shudder to think what that world would be like. Female Case Worker: You drove your car into your ex-girlfriend's house and then fled the country for three months. House: I knew that her daughter was at grandma's, like every Friday, and I saw everyone else move into the living room. Female Case Worker: They could've moved back. House: Which I would've noticed since I was driving right towards them. [He just can’t stop himself from being a smart ass.] Delaire: Shut up. We got an order to reduce overcrowding. But let me be clear — you mouth off to one guard, we catch you with a single cafeteria tray in your cell, you break any rules I don't even remember, you can park your ass here for four more months. So forget being sorry. Can you stay out of trouble for five days? [As the warden speaks, what he’s saying sinks in. There’s a long pause.] House: Yes. [Black screen — MONDAY. House is asleep. He turns his head and his eyes pop open. He lifts his head. He’s on a cot in a cinderblock cell. There are physics equations scrawled on the “whiteboard” of the wall. His cane is next to his bed. At the foot of his bed, Asofa, House’s very large roommate, sits on the toilet. His shorts are around his ankles and he’s holding a roll of toilet paper. Silently, they make eye contact.] [Cut to the Day Room. It’s a double height room filled with tables with attached chairs. This is the social center of the prison. There’s a balcony halfway up, resulting in two floors of cells. Prisoners mill around, talking, playing checkers, etc. House walks through. Correction Office Hseuh calls out over the various conversations.] Hseuh: Gather for meds! Asofa! [House’s cellmate approaches the desk, with House right behind him. House looks at Asofa’s pills.] House: [quietly] Yeah. [Mendelson, a short, middle-aged skinhead is first on line. His subordinates, including the very larger Sullivan, are right behind him.] Mendelson: Why you keep helping him out? House: Yeah, why would I wanna make sure that my homicidal cellmate is taking the right anti-psychotics? [Asofa swallows his pills and opens his mouth for Nurse Hostetter to check.] Hseuh: House! {House dumps two Vicodin into his hand from a paper cup. He drinks the water in another cup, throws back his head and swallows. He opens his mouth, Hostetter looks in and nods.] Hseuh: Mendelson! [Mendelson approaches the desk. He picks up his pill packet and shows it to House.] House: He's on 80 mg of Propranolol. That's 40. Hostetter: [checks the list] You're right. Sorry. Mendelson: No worries. I like my nurses naughty. [He is seriously creepy. As Hostetter turns to get the rest of his meds, House pulls a Vicodin from his mouth. He surreptitiously puts it in Mendelson’s waiting hand.] House: I'm starting to think, Mendelson, that you just really like the taste of my spit. Mendelson: [laughs] Hey, House. Check out our new brand, huh? [He pulls his collar aside. On the right side of his neck is an ugly tattoo of a skull with a swastika on its forehead. Above the skull, just below Mendelson’s jaw, it says “New.” “Confederates” is scrawled below the skull, on Mendelson’s collarbone.] House: You really got a thing for swastikas… Mendelson. Like an ironic thing? Mendelson: [defensive] It's a German name. House: So’s "House." I'm Jewish. [Mendelson looks at him.] Nah, I'm a black, gay gypsy. [He walks away. Mendelson is not amused.] [On the upper floor, House pauses in front of Frankie’s cell. Without looking up from the chessboard in front of him, Frankie calls out his next move.] Frankie: Knight to King's Bishop three. House: Queen to King's Bishop seven. [He walks on. He starts to pass a new guy, Nick.] Nick: Hey. You're House, right? I got these weird pains in my elbows and in my knees— House: You know what's weirder? It’s how the clinic is a large room and you somehow confused me with it. Although, to be fair, I am large. [House reaches his room. There’s a lot of banging and clanging. He stops in the doorway to observe. A tall, thin man is going through the shelves, stuffing things in his shirt.] House: Hi, Rollo. I realize this is probably a rhetorical question — Why are you stealing my stuff? Rollo: [friendly but not stopping what he’s doing] Hey, House. I heard you're on short time. You won't need this. House: You heard about my parole, but not about my violent reactions when people steal my tuna. Put it back. Rollo: Nuh-uh. House: Really? You're stepping to a guy who outweighs you by 50 pounds and who’s carrying a cane, which, while prison-approved, would still cause some issues if inserted into your colon. Rollo: Yeah, like you losing your parole. And you ain't gonna rat me out neither, 'cause you don't wanna get a snitch jacket and wind up shanked in the showers. So you're just gonna let me walk out of here. [House takes half a step toward him when Frankie enters and grabs House’s shoulder. Rollo smiles and leaves.] Frankie: You wanna get back at these guys? Get out alive on Friday. [A buzzer sounds.] All right, now go to work, House. [He claps House on the shoulder. House walks past him.] Oh, and that was Checkmate, right? House: [voice from the hall] Yep. [Frankie’s head drops back against the wall and he nods, resignedly.] [Cut to a bathroom. Stomper, a large, black man with muscles that are even larger, is using the urinal. House, the janitor, wheels his mop and bucket in.] Stomper: I heard you're on that short time, House? House: If you like tuna, you're a little late. Stomper: I want your stereo and your headphones. [He turns to face House and rolls his hips so his urine covers as much of the floor between them as possible.] It can wait till you finish your work. [indicates the fresh pee on the floor] Drop it off in my cell. [leaves] [Cut to the clinic. Sykes, the doctor in charge is treating a patient on one gurney. Adams, a young, female doctor is examining Nick. House enters.] Adams: 99.9. I'm gonna start him on ceftriaxone. [House pauses from emptying the trash to listen to this.] Sykes: Good catch. I might've missed that. [As House passes Adams on his way to the trash can by the window, he leans in and tells her:] House: It's not gonorrhea. Adams: I didn't say it was. House: Not out loud, but you're figuring that joint pain, plus fever, plus a low lifestyle equals a ceftriaxone prescription. Nick: So you're saying I got the clap? I've only been in here one week. My girlfriend's clean. I ain't got a girlfriend in here. [House returns to the trash can out the door. Adams follows him.] Adams: How do you know about ceftriaxone? Sykes: House used to be a doctor. House: Not going back. And that look of shock is elitist and offensive. Doctors can be degenerates. This is America. [back to the case] There's subtle eyebrow loss. It's lupus. [Adams inspects Nick’s face closely.] Adams: Well, there's no discoid or malar rash on his face. House: Which would be dispositive if he was just a giant head. Sykes: He's got a point, but I'll let you make the call. Adams: No, there's no reason to search for a bodily rash since lupus doesn't usually present that way. House: "Usually"? Well, I guess that's good enough for prison work. [She gapes at him as he turns to leave. Sykes is amused. Then House turns back, a little worried.] You don't write people up for mouthing off, do you? Adams: Not usually. [Cut to House’s cell. He holds his radio, which has “PROPERTY OF HOUSE QUESTIONS CALL THE NEW CONFEDERATES” on it in permanent marker. Frankie sits on House’s cot.] Frankie: You don't wanna mess with Stomper. He didn't get that name because he's a fan of Santa's reindeer. House: You think one of Santa's reindeer was called Stomper? Frankie: Y-you're missing my point. House: I'm not gonna listen to a guy who can't name the reindeer. Frankie: Well, you saw what happened in the yard with Diaz. He barely said a couple of words and set the boy off. [House looks at him, then off in the distance.] Oh, no. I know that look. [Cut to the hallway. House looks around then nonchalantly enters a cell. He slides his radio on a shelf, behind some things.] [Cut to House’s cell. He’s lying on his bed, reading a scientific journal. He holds a pencil in his mouth, which he drops to his side when Stomper enters.] House: Hey, Stomper. Stomper: Where's my stereo? House: I brought it to your cell. Stomper: It ain't there. House: I was just getting to that part. Rollo followed me in and took it. [Stomper thinks about this then shakes his head.] Stomper: No way Rollo'd diss me like that. House: Way. I don't wanna start any rumors, but— Stomper: But what? House: Well, he was all, you know, "I can take Stomper." And I was all, "how come?" And he was all, "'cause of how Diaz kicked his ass last month." In fact, he actually called you "Stompee," with an "ee." I think his gist was… [Stomper leaves. House remains on his cot and listens to the conversation from Rollo’s cell, next door.] Stomper: [off camera] You took my stereo? Rollo: [off camera] Get out of my house, Stomper. I ain't got no stereo. [There’s the sound of things being tossed around.] Stomper: [off camera] Well, then what's this, then? Rollo: [off camera] What? I didn't put that there! Stomper: [off camera, over Rollo’s voice] You're gonna lie to my face, you lying son of a bitch! Rollo: [off camera] What? I didn't do anything! Next time I will take your stereo! Ow! [Rollo’s voice gets louder, buzzers go off. House smiles and returns to reading. In the hallway guards take Stomper and Rollo away while other prisoners look on.] [Cut to House’s stereo on a cot. House has it back and he’s listening to jazz while he eats some of his tuna. Frankie enters.] Frankie: That was stupid. House: [removes his earphones] Is that, like, a synonym for "clever"? By the time they get out of solitary, I'll be teaching physics at the University of Fiji. [Asofa is lying on the upper bunk, facing the wall.] Frankie: You have four days left. How many more tricks do you got? [Frankie leaves House to think about this.] [Black screen — Tuesday. It’s dark. House is trying to sleep but there is a cricket chirping. He gets up and lifts a shirt that on top of the shelves. Under that, there’s a cricket on a towel. He gets ready to flick the cricket off when a hand drops on his shoulder.] Asofa: Don't. House: This another pet? 'Cause it's gonna end badly. Again. Remember we talked about this? At least I talked, and you stared at me eerily. [Asofa stares eerily.] I think it was eerily. "Eerily" felt like the best-case scenario. [Cut to the common room later that morning. House limps through.] [Cut to Nick’s room. He’s sitting on his bunk, sketching a picture of a girl. House enters.] House: Hey. Take off your shirt so I can find the rash. Nick: Oh, now you wanna help me. 'Cause that doctor didn't believe you? House: Well, if you can think of a better way to prove that she's an idiot, I'm all ears. Now, let's get this over with. Nick: Yeah. [He puts down his sketch pad and takes off his shirt. House looks at the picture then starts inspecting Nick’s torso.] That's Nicole. She lives at her mom's now on account that she lost her job. Her mom hates me, so she can't visit, she ain't accepting my calls. House: Well, that's what happens when you date a 12-year-old. Nick: You don't believe me? House: Belief implies a level of giving a crap that I am never gonna achieve. Pull down your pants. [Nick drops them.] [Cut to the clinic. House comes into the office with his janitorial cart. Adams is doing paperwork.] House: Hey. It's not that I was trying to prove that you're an idiot or anything, but lupus boy and I were at the beach this morning, and I noticed a rash on his left thigh. Adams: I checked you out. You were a pretty big deal. What went wrong? House: Something very obvious and very boring. Adams: Drug related? Forging prescriptions? House: Oh, you're good, just like lupus boy will be when you start him on prednisone. Name should've been a giveaway. I'll send him up. [She turns to face House as he goes to empty the trash can behind her.] Adams: Why are you so sure I'm gonna do what you say? House: Because you're a smart, old-money, trust-fund girl who took this job because your liberal ideology makes you wanna make a difference, but you're already getting bored, and this is interesting. Adams: Why would you say any of that? House: Your shoes — different, expensive pair every day, but never leather, which means you're both rich and liberal. Antique locket — it's unpolished gold. Not some hipster thing. It's a family heirloom, which means old money. Osler scarf — only on Fridays, which means you did your residency at Hopkins, which means you're smarter than our interactions would so far indicate. And your eyes — the only time you haven't looked bored in the three months since you've been here is when we've been discussing this diagnosis. So, yeah, you'll treat him for lupus. [He knocks twice on the door and a guard lets him out.] [Cut to the Day Room. House walks through. Mendelson’s muscle, Sullivan, calls to House from the upper tier.] Sullivan: House. He wants you. [House looks worried.] [Cut to Mendelson’s cell. Several New Confederates are there. House enters, Sullivan right behind him. House looks scared.] Mendelson: [purring] Parole? You didn't tell me. House: I didn't want a big, emotional scene. Mendelson: But you know what the rules are. On short time, tax goes up. House: How many do you want? Mendelson: All of 'em. House: Come on, Mendelson. I should be on six a day. I get four, and I give you two. [silence] Fine. Get one in my cell after lights-out. Plus Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, that's 11 in all. Mendelson: I count 20. You knew on Monday, you get out Friday. Five days. You should've told me earlier. House: They give out four a day, Max. Mendelson: [laughs] You'll figure something out. You're a creative guy. House: What if I just go into protective custody, spend the next three days in the hole? Mendelson: Oh, you could P.C. up. But then you'll get out, and unlike you… I got friends on the outside. [Cut to the corridor. House catches up to Porter, who is delivering toilet paper to all the cells.] House: Porter. Porter: Doc, what ya need? I'm running a special on grilled cheese this week. Got some new girly mags too. House: I was thinking of something more… Vicodin-y. At least 16, and I need them Friday at noon. Porter: [chuckles] That's pricy, but it can be done. How about you have one of your peeps on the outside send $200 to my boy up in Trenton? House: I am peep-less. Porter: This is just you haggling, right? House: No. I mean, you ever see me chatting on the phone, taking visitors? Porter: All right, but I'm gonna have to clean you out. I'm gonna need to see some tuna. I'm gonna need to see some stamps, uh, stereo— House: Just get 'em to me as soon as you can. [There’s a cry from the far side of the Day Room, by the pay phones. Nick holds his arm. A guard backs several other inmates away from him.] [Cut to Nick sitting on a table, breathing through the pain, loudly. House hurries over.] House: What happened? Nick: I was trying to use the phone. I just—I just got jostled a little, that's it. House: [quietly] Who ht you? Nick: I just—I just bumped into the wall. [House gently touches Nick’s arm. Nick grunts and pulls away.] Nick: [pulls away] Huh! House: It’s not lupus. Nick: Is that good? House: Does it feel good? * [Black screen — WEDNESDAY. House wakes up and starts rubbing his leg. He lifts his pillow and pulls out a blister-pack card that used to hold square things, maybe gum. All the compartments are open and empty and a single Vicodin is shoved in one. He inspects it and sighs before putting it back under his pillow.] Asofa: Sick. [He peeks one eye over the edge of his mattress to look down at House.] House: No, I'm just going through a bit of withdrawal. I'm trying to survive on one a day for the next few days. Asofa: No. [Asofa’s lowers his arm. The cricket is cupped in his massive hand. It’s not moving.] Fix him. [Asofa looks down at House who looks at his new patient.] [Cut to the clinic. A guard lets House and his cart into the office where Adams is doling out meds into paper cups.] House: It's not lupus. He broke his arm. Adams: Or it is lupus, and he was in a fight. House: He was in a jostle. Adams: 'Cause if he admits he was in a fight, then he goes to the hole. House: That's why he'd lie to the guards. He's got no reason to lie to me. Adams: [straightening up and thinking about this] Huh. House: See? There are those eyes again. [He moves toward the desk and Adams grabs Nick’s folder and holds it away from House.] How about a viral syndrome? Or MRSA? No, that wouldn't chew up the bone that fast. But reaction to meds could. [holds out his hand for the chart] May I? Adams: May you what? Make me lose my job by showing you a patient file? [House drops his hand and looks down.] But why don't you assume no recent meds? House: How long can I assume that he's been smoking? Based on his yellow fingers. Adams: You're thinking lung cancer. Metastatic. I'll x-ray him on Friday. [House gives her an annoyed look.] We share a traveling x-ray machine with two other clinics. House: I'm out of here on Friday. Adams: He's not. House: Well, how about… if he throws a clot and strokes out, you can use the x-ray to do the autopsy. Start him on blood thinners. Adams: Very interesting practice you must've run. No need for tests. [House taps on the door and the guard opens it.] No need for proof. Where are you going? House: [leaving] To the proof store. [Adams smiles then opens Nick’s file and begins to read.] [Cut to the Day Room. Nick is sitting on a stool at one of the tables. House is behind him, ear to Nick’s back. His left hand is on Nick’s chest.] Nick: You were right about Nicole. House: [lifts his head] About me not caring? I thought so. [He goes back to listening, tapping on Nick’s chest with a couple of fingers.] Nick: It wasn't her mom. It was her. She doesn't wanna talk to me. House: Listen, I'm trying to listen to your lungs, not your self-pity. [He stops and gets up, grabbing his cane.] Cancer can wait. [joining Frankie who was walking past] Hey, heading out to the yard? Frankie: Mm-hmm. House: You mind trying to find me a cricket? Frankie: The ol' swap trick? You don't think that will piss off your cellie even more when he figures it's a different bug? House: I'll dress 'em the same, like in Vertigo. Frankie: Well, I'll try, but they spray so much pesticide I'm surprised we're alive. House: [thoughtfully] Good point. [He sees Porter and turns to follow him.] Hey. How's it coming? Porter: It ain't. The Confederates be giving themselves spankin' new tats. They putting a claim on all of my Vicodin. Now, I love you and all, my brother, but not as much as I love my gng of crazy, roided-out nzi bitches. [He walks on. House stops and contemplates the fix he’s in.] [Cut to the clinic. Adams is listening to Nick’s lungs with a stethoscope while taping Nick’s chest.] House: [sitting on the next gurney] Now try an inch to the left. Hear the difference? Adams: [impressed] Yeah! House: It's called an acoustical shadow. It means he's got a tumor. Adams: How did you find that without a stethoscope? I didn't even know you could do this! House: Start the blood thinners. Nick: So I for sure got lung cancer? Adams: No. House: [simultaneously] Yeah Adams: All you've proven is there's an anomaly in his chest. House: [incredulous] Which means your initial diagnosis could still be right? Adams: Which apparently really bugs you. [She has an idea] I could do a clotting test. House: That's… that's a good idea. Adams: We're just gonna cut your earlobe a bit and check back in two minutes. If there's a little blood bubbling up, that's normal. But if it's completely clotted, it may indicate cancer. Okay? Ready? [She uses a scalpel on Nick’s ear then goes into the office. House follows her, closing the door behind him.] Adams: Are you really leaving medicine? What are you gonna do? [no answer] You know, for someone who asks as many favors as you do, you sure don't make any effort to win me over. House: Before I went to med school, I thought about getting a Ph.D. in physics. You ever heard of dark matter? The way galaxies rotate, the motion of the Universe… it means there's six times more stuff than we can detect. It's been theorized but no one's ever proved it exists. Adams: So, uh, so you wanna research it? Why? House: It's the greatest mystery there is — the theory of everything. Adams: And completely divorced from humanity. House: Well, me and humanity, we got together too young. Adams: Tsk. You have a gift. There is something in this world you are undeniably great at. You can read people. You-you understand them. You gotta go back to medicine. House: Well, if that gift is related to what brought me here, you'll understand if I wanna check the returns policy. Nic: Hey! Is this supposed to happen? [He’s at the office window. The hand he’s using to hold a cloth to his ear and his t-shirt are covered in blood. Adams leans toward him, fascinated.] Adams: Cool. [Black screen — THURSDAY. Asofa is asleep on his bunk, face down with his head turned to the wall. He turns his head as House uncaps a bottle of water.] House: Jiminy didn't chirp much last night. If it's a disease, then he's six inches under. [He taps some bicarb into the bottle.] But this could also be pesticide poisoning… [He shakes the bottle well] Which bicarbonate of soda has been used to treat. [He adds some to a postcard which he picks up and, blocking the view with his body, slips under an upturned half bottle with the new cricket in it. He steps to the side so Asofa can see the “cured” cricket.] See? Just so much and no more. [House turns and looks at Asofa who is silently staring at him from his bunk.] House: Mm… [silence] This is where you say "thank you." [nothing] Or I say thank you for not klling me. [long pause] Thank you. Adams: Hey. The x-ray didn't show any tumors. The acoustical shadow was just a lipoma. [House sits down and rubs his leg.] I'm thinking — you all right? House: I'm fine. Adams: Ibuprofen? House: It’s not gonna help. [He reaches for the x-rays. She backs away and goes to her desk where she picks up the file.] Adams: You can look at the patient file if you want. House: You trust me? Adams: Any reason I shouldn't? House: You're really not good at reading people, are you? Or buildings. Adams: People are complicated. And people change. House: [reaching for the file] Not that much to the first, and not at all to the second. But if it'll get me the file… Adams: If we add "clotting disorder" to the symptoms, it's gotta be a toxin. House: This guy's the only one with symptoms. It's either gotta be his cell or his work station. Adams: The laundry room. So maybe a solvent or detergent? House: Can you get me an escort to gather samples? Sykes: [entering] Dr. Adams. Why does this man have a file? [House hands the file back to Adams and stands up. Adams looks at Sykes.] [Cut to the Day Room. House walks through and enters Nick’s cell. There’s a completed portrait of Nicole on the wall next to the door.] House: You need to get cotton swabs... Nick: ... but not now. I got something to do. House: You're a prisoner on tier time. By definition, you have nothing to do. Nick: Call her family, her friends, her work. I'm gonna get through eventually. House: You're moving slower. You're getting weaker. This thing's attacking your bones, your joints, your blood. Nick: Look, my girl's more important. House: [frustrated and annoyed] She's not your girl, you idiot. She was the girlfriend of a loser drug dealer. Think she's got the self-control to wait around for three years? You think she should? There's a reason we're locked away from nice, normal people. [relenting, nicer] Your life outside is over. Your friends, your girl, everyone you worked with, they've moved on. Nick: Get out of my house. [shouts] Get out! [House turns and leaves.] [Cut to the clinic. The guard opens the door. House stands in the doorway.] House: Where's Sykes? Adams: Off at his other clinics. House: Great. I'm gonna go through the laundry. Give me some swabs. Adams: No. House: What? He yelled at you for letting me see the file? You'll get over it. A few years of therapy— Adams: Why did you lie to me about what you were in for? House: [enters and closes the door behind him] Okay, so I drove a car into a wall instead of stealing some pills. You obviously don't care what I did. You care that I lied to you. You feel jilted. Adams: I feel stupid. It-it doesn't even make sense. Why are you doing time? You didn't have any priors. You didn't hurt anyone. House: I had a bad lawyer. Adams: I'm sorry. We can't talk about this case anymore. [She goes to her desk. House takes a step away from the door so the guard can let him out.] [Cut to House walking across the Day Room and entering a cell. An arm grabs him by the neck and throws him into the cinderblock wall. It’s Sullivan, who now has House’s cane in his other hand. Mendelson enters.] House: Uhhh! Mendelson: We hear you're gonna need an incentive to get all my pills by tomorrow. [House stays down on the floor, non-confrontational for once.] House: I-I-I can't get all 20, but once I get out— Mendelson: [to Sullivan] Give us a minute. [Sullivan leaves, giving Mendelson House’s cane. He kneels next to House and talks quietly, as if he’s confiding in him.] Why do you think I'm on buspirone? The stress! I get the runs almost every day. Any sign of weakness, 20 guys would line up to stick a sharpened-up toothbrush in my eye. So as much as my better nature really wants to give you a pass… it just wouldn't be good for my health. See you tomorrow. [He leaves with the cane. House stays on the floor. He touches the bruise where his cheekbone ht the wall and nervously contemplates his options.] [Cut to House walking down the upper floor corridor. Without his cane, House uses the railing to navigate and he holds his thigh. He enters Frankie’s cell. Frankie’s sitting on his bunk, studying his chess board.] House: I need your help. You have any matches? Frankie: No, that's serious contraband. What are you planning to do? House: What about a stick of gum? Frankie: Sure. [pulls one out of his pocket] House: I'm gonna need that too. Frankie: [suspicious] Why? House: Why do I need the pen that you always carry around and never write with? [Frankie hands it over.] This is plan "B." [He clicks the pen, revealing a blade.] ** [Cut to the bathroom. House puts the gum wrapper in an electric outlet above the sink. He reaches for a bottle of a cleaning solvent with which he saturates the toilet paper he’s filled the sink with. He looks at the clock – it’s 2:56. He takes a roll of toilet paper that has the tube stuffed with more toilet paper and holds it up to the outlet. There’s the sound of a short as the paper in the middle bursts into a small flame. He drops it in the sink and steps back as the flame grows.] [Cut to the clinic office. House wheels in. Adams is at the desk.] Adams: What happened to your cheek? [House doesn’t answer. He looks out the window behind her. There’s a lot of activity. Alarms are going off.] House: What is it? [Adams gets up to look. House grabs a bottle from the tabletop and dumps most of it in his pocket.] Adams: fre? House, we gotta evacuate this area. Come on. [He puts the almost-empty bottle back on the table and follows her.] [Cut to the Day Room. Two prisoners are playing chess. Nick, carrying his sketch pad, follows House who is trying to walk away.] Nick: Hey. Hey, House. You were saying something about how I should, like, uh, swab or— House: You're confusing me with the clinic again. [He enters his cell, pulls the blister pack from under his pillow and begins filling the pockets with the Vicodin he just stole.] Nick: What? You're abandoning me? House: As soon as you leave, I am. Nick: Why? What changed? House: I'm just done. No you, no medicine, no fixing people. Done. Now get out. Nick: [leans against the door jamb] No! House: [looks at Nick for the first time] Your lips are swelling. Open your mouth. Did you just eat something? Nick: Meatloaf, potatoes, coffee… House: You allergic to anything? [Nick collapses. House lowers him to the floor while yelling for help.] Guard! You're going into anaphylactic shock. Guard! Dammit. I gotta make a hole so you can breathe. [He thinks then pulls out Frankie’s “pen.” He finds the spot on Nick’s throat and makes a hole. He drops the blade in the toilet and flushes. He starts to insert the empty pen tube in the breathing hole when the guard enters.] Alvarez: House, get away from him. House: He's having an allergic reaction. He can't breathe. Alvarez: Lie on the ground with your hands behind your head. House: Alvarez, look at what I'm doing! It's a tracheotomy. Come on, man. You know I'm a doctor. [House gets the tube inserted. Nick takes a loud breath.] Alvarez: What's wrong with him? House: I have no idea. [Cut to House lying sleepless in his bunk that night. He rubs his thigh and listens to the cricket chirp. He rolls over and pulls his Vicodin stash out from under his pillow. He looks at it, weighs it in his hand then puts it back. He lies back down and reaches up to the underside of Asofa’s bunk, which is his whiteboard with Nick’s symptoms.] [He rubs his forehead and pulls the Vicodin out again. This time he eats one. After a moment, he eats two more.] * [Black screen — FRIDAY. House sits up in bed and looks at card with three Vicodin missing. There’s no way he can get Mendelson enough now, so he eats two more. As Asofa watches, House drops the rest of them in the toilet and flushes.] House: Saving us both from contraband charges. It was great knowing you. [He knocks on his cell door. A guard arrives. House talks to him through the locked door.] I need to be taken into protective custody. [Cut to the Day Room. House limps through, followed by the guard. It is empty except for a few guards getting ready for the day. One guard sits on a table, drinking a steaming cup of coffee. House stops and looks at him.] House: Wow. [The guard accompanying him waits impatiently.] That was great. I think I really dodged a bllet there. Guard: You don't need P.C.? House: [walking away, toward his cell] Uh, it's nothing personal. We'll reschedule. Rain check, I promise. [Cut to the Clinic. Adams and Sykes are at Nick’s guerney. House enters.] House: It wasn't the food. It was the heat. It's mastocytosis. It can be set off by hot liquids, like the coffee he just drank. Sykes: Masto's usually a skin disease. Adams: Usually? It can ht any organ. Joint pain, osteopenia, and anaphylaxis,eyebrow loss… It fits. Sykes: It's a possibility. I'll run some blood tests. Thank you. House: No, no! It's almost impossible to confirm masto with blood work. Just give him five aspirin. [Adams looks very puzzled.] Sykes: If he has masto, he'll go into anaphylactic shock and won't be able to breathe again. House: You do understand the meaning of the word "confirm." Nick: I'll do it. I almost died in that cell. Sykes: House, you're in here because you think you can do whatever you want whenever you want. You can't, and neither can I. The A.C.L.U. would have my job, my license, maybe even my house, if I do an unauthorized experiment— Adams: But if-if it is masto— Sykes: It's not. House: Well, what do you have to lose by giving him the aspirin? Sykes: I'm not taking the risk. House: It's his risk to take. If he has another attck and there isn't a doctor in the next cell, he could die! So for one second, will you stop covering your ass and do the test? Adams: I think House is right. Sykes: No. House: [quietly, choosing his words carefully] You're a moron and a coward. I'll do it myself. Sykes: Guard. [to House] You're done here, just like every other place you've ever set foot in your life. If I ever see you in here again, I will write you up, and they will revoke your parole. [House, looking defeated, leaves. Adams follows him into the hallway.] Adams: Dr. House. Did you get all the Vicodin you needed? [he looks at her] I'm not an idiot. That fre, the bruise on your face… I talk to prisoners. I know about exit taxes. You're clearly getting squeezed. House: I need 20. [She pulls a bottle of pills out of her pocket and gives him some.] And let me back into the clinic when Sykes is gone. Adams: We'll take care of Nick. House: You can't if you're not willing to do— Adams: Just take care of yourself. [She returns to the clinic.] [Cut to the Day Room. Mendelson is playing baseball with one of his guys, using House’s cane. As House approaches, Mendelson sits on a table and waits. House pulls the Vicodin out of his pocket and opens his hand so Mendelson can see them.] Mendelson: Well done. If knew if you'd learned nothing else in here, you'd learned the smart thing is to fall in line. House: [looks around, worried; nods] You're absolutely right. [He throws the pills into the air. For a moment there is total silence. Then, as the pills rattle to the floor, prisoners start scrambling for them.] Alvarez: Hey, hey, hey! [into his radio] I need backup here. Hey! Hey! Mendelson: Son of a bitch. [He stands and punches House in the face, then drops the cane so he can punch him a few more times.] Alvarez: You'd better be fast… Mendelson: Come on. Come on! House: [pleasantly] Thanks for getting me to the clinic. Mendelson: [to Sullivan] Take him out. Sullivan: I've got only two years left in my stretch. Mendelson: [grabs Sullivan’s shirtfront in both fists, thrat] Take him out. House: [off-screen] C.O.! We have a little problem here! Alvarez: [into radio] I need backup, I need backup! We got a big fight here. [While two Confederates hold House, Sullivan pulls a Knfe out from under a table. He slowly heads for House.] House: Alvarez! Alvarez: Sullivan, back off! [A prisoner is keeping him from getting to House] Mendelson! You're gonna be held responsible. Mendelson: Hey… I'm just playing solitaire. Guard: Hands behind your head! [Several guards grab Asofa and pull him off Mendelson. House clasps his hands behind his head as he looks around.] [Cut to the Clinic. House is on a gurney. Adams is tending to his bruises.] Adams: You are so lucky. We got a guy in an ambulance heading to Princeton General. Another dozen getting teargas hosed off them. [In the other room, a female correction officer yells at a prisoner.] Officer: Hey! Sit down! Back off. House: Where's the aspirin? [He gets up and starts opening cupboard doors.] Adams: Oh, God. Did you get beaten up on purpose? Sykes: House, what are you doing? [House closes the door to the rest of the clinic and wedges a large binder under it. He’s alone with Adams and Nick.] Sykes: Hey! Officer: House, open up! This is a direct order! House: Yeah, it's always a direct order. Eight months. Haven't heard an indirect order in here. Sykes: Dr. Adams! Adams: They're gonna revoke your parole. They're gonna charge you with extra crimes. You'll be here six more months, minimum! House: [putting some aspirin in a folded sheet of paper and smashing them] Sorry. Distracted. You were saying? Adams: I checked your file. You didn't have a bad lawyer. You had no lawyer. You took the first deal they offered you, because you wanted to punish yourself. Do you think getting beaten up, you think saving this one guy will wipe your slate clean? [He pours the pulverized aspirin into his water glass and stirs it.] House: No. Adams: Then why are you doing this? House: 'Cause I have a gift. [to Nick] Once you drink this, you should get an attck almost immediately. That is, if I'm right. Adams: You just bought yourself months in solitary. Was it really worth it? House: If I'm wrong, no, it wasn't. [Some of the guards get in through the hall door. They grab House. Sykes yells from the other room.] Sykes: No! No! No! Get the cup! Get the cup! House: Just drink it! Drink it! [Guards pull House away from Nick and force him face down on the next gurney.] Sykes: No! Grab the cup! [Another guard takes the cup out of Nick’s hand and puts it on a table. Sykes and the female officer finally get in.] Officer: [to House] Hands behind your back. Sykes: [to Adams, who is standing in the middle of the room] What were you thinking? Adams: I don't know. I-I-I was-I was scared. [The guards are pulling House, backwards, towards the door. Adams comes to a decision and grabs the cup. She brings it to Nick and helps him drink it.] Sykes: No! [Everyone freezes] You're fired. You're beyond fired. You're completely unhireable anywhere. You understand that? Adams: Yes. Now shut up and let's see if he has an attck. [30 seconds after Adams gave Nick the aspirin, there’s no change. The guards start to take House away.] House: Come on, just a little more time. [Several more seconds pass. House waits anxiously.] Sykes: Get him out of here. Black screen... SATURDAY. House, wearing an orange jumpsuit, sits in a darkened cell. The hatch closes. He goes over and picks it up. There’s a piece of paper on the tray. He sits on his bunk and unfolds the paper. It says “You were Right!”	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x01 - Twenty Vicodin"}	foreverdreaming
Note: Throughout this episode, House is wearing his (pressed) shirts tucked into his pants, and a bracelet on his right wrist. [Loud rapping is heard as the scene opens on House asleep on his prison bunk] Guard: Get up, House. House: Must be some mistake. I specifically requested my wakeup startle three hours from now. Guard: Some VIP visitor. Dean of Medicine from your old hospital. House: I've had dreams about this. I'm going to assume this is another one. Guard: Get up. (He raps on the doorframe again) House: I can refuse to see any visitor I want. Tell the Dean that I don't want to see her. [He rolls over to go back to sleep} Guard: He said you'd say that. House: (rolling back to look up at the guard) He? [House, now dressed in his prison clothes, is escorted by the guard to a locked visitor room. The guard unlocks the door to reveal Foreman sitting at a table, his laptop and a file lying on the table in front of him. House sits down across from Foreman and the guard leaves, locking the door behind him] House: What's the hiring policy over there? All ass based? Foreman: I can get you out of here. House: Not unless that file has a file in it. [Foreman pulls a document from his breast pocket and tosses it onto the table] Foreman: Judge's order for your immediate release. House: I had eight months added to my sentence two months ago. The math is pretty basic. Foreman: We have a crisis. Which, is good news for you. You're out tonight on conditional parole. The condition being that you're employed by me, at PPTH. House: No, thanks. You think it's a good idea for me to go right back to my old life? For either of us? Foreman: Your patient, is two lungs, in a box. [Foreman opens his laptop and turns it toward House. The picture on the monitor is of a pair of lungs in a plexiglass box] Foreman: And it only has 12 hours left. No pulse, no body. No ability to answer questions. It's your perfect patient. House: I did pay for the room for the whole week, but… [OPENING CREDITS. Instead of the usual opening credits, there is just a very brief showing of the title] [Cut to a guard putting a stack of House’s civilian clothing out on a countertop. As Foreman tells House about the medical situation, House dresses, putting on his shirt and shoes, strapping on his watch and putting his wallet in his left hip pocket. He picks up a bottle of Vicodin. The last thing he is given is his cane. As he takes the cane off the counter, we see a simple bracelet on his right wrist] Foreman: Donor's an 18-year-old college kid back from Hofstra. Goes to a homecoming party with his buddies, hops on his motorcycle, ends up an organ donor. Asystole in the E.R. No pulse. No blood circulating. His heart, liver, kidneys were all toast. Surgeons had the recipient on the table when they realized the lungs had increased airway resistance. The team closed her up, put the lungs in suspended animation. Buys 24 hours to fix it, 12 of which have passed. We still have no clue what's wrong. [Cut to House and Foreman walking into the main hospital lobby. It is dark outside. House stops to comment on the new décor] House: Nice painting. Blues and greens. Calming, but with a hint of nurturing. Totally offsets the stench of suffering and death. Where's my patient? We need to not talk. Foreman: ICU isolation room. The transplant team will meet you there with updates from the past two hours. House: Great. (holding out the file) Take this. Foreman: How about you drop it in your office? [They have stopped in front of the elevator] House: I completely understand and, almost respect your desire to appear to be Dean of Medicine, given that your title is Dean of Medicine. On the other hand… Seriously? [The elevator arrives and they both step into it] Foreman: Get this straight. You break the law, you go back to jail. Scam extra Vicodin, back to jail. Flout my authority, make the hospital look bad, back to jail. I own you. House: Yes, massa. Foreman: See, that, would be an example. [They get off the elevator on the fourth floor and head down the hall toward House’s old office] House: When did Cuddy leave? Foreman: She gave her notice the day after your incident. Took a job— House: Don't need the details. [As they near House’s old office, a saw can be heard. Through the glass we see a technician sawing a cast off a patient’ leg. The lettering on the old office door now read “Orthopedics”]] Foreman: Ortho needed more space. You're this way. House: Where's my stuff? Foreman: No idea. House: What about my team? [They turn down the hallway which is perpendicular to House’s old office] Foreman: Pathetic. The first thing you said to me was you don't want your old environment. The fourth thing you said was, "where's my old environment?" It's been a year, Taub, Chase, Thirteen all moved on. The world does that sometimes. House: No, it doesn't. [They turn another corner where Foreman stops and opens a door. The office is a closet sized room with only a desk and a few chairs. A young female doctor of Asian descent sits in one of the chairs] Foreman: Here's your new office. And there's your new team. Park: Hi. [Cut to Dr. Park trailing House as they head toward the ICU] House: I'm not interested in another department's sloppy seconds. Park: I'm not sloppy seconds. House: 3:00 a.m. If Foreman had called you in from home, you wouldn't have pressed clothes, coiffed hair, and makeup, which means you were already here in the hospital. Park: Yes, I was on call for neurology. House: Well, if that were true, you'd be working right now and unavailable to help. Which means that you're hanging out in the hospital pretending to work. Which means you're not just a reject, you're a cowardly reject who was trying to hide her rejectedness from someone. Park: I am not a reject. [They stop outside the ICU] House: Then go back to neurology. Park: I can't. I punched my attending. [Park goes into the ICU, leaving House to reassess his opinion of her. He then follows her into the ICU, where both Wilson, Dr. Simpson, and the other transplant team members stand looking at the donated lungs in a plexiglass box. The ventilator can be heard pushing air into the lungs] Dr. Simpson: ARDS secondary to trauma is our leading hypothesis. FiO2 is 93%— House: (loudly) Prison! Sorry, I thought I heard everyone else think that. I was in prison, you see. It was a long time ago, but still, you're curious. Never was rped, not rped-rped. Well, rped-rped, but not rped-rped-rped. Well, now that we've got that completely behind us. Dr. Simpson: Sorry, Dr. House, welcome back. House: Is there cake? Any alveolar exudate? Dr. Simpson: No. The lungs are dry. House: Well it's not ARDS. It's the autumn. Its tick borne disease season. Ehrlichiosis causing bronchialitis. You'll appreciate that I left the "idiots" subtextual. Wilson: Blood smear was clear, and we "idiots" treated with broad spectrum antibiotics. House: Cocaine. Dr. Simpson: Tox screen was clean. House: dad men don't pee. Tox screen tests for metabolites in the urine. Coke never got past the lungs. Also explains the motorcycle crash. Idiots. Dr. Simpson: Let's get the lungs on treatment. House: Great idea. Unless you're wrong. And by you, I mean me. Then this treatment will burn holes in the lungs. I'd call you idiots again, but at this point I'm starting to doubt whether you understand what I mean by the word. (to Park) Kato, get Black Beauty and meet me out front. (looking directly at Wilson) We're gonna find the dad kid's stash. [Wilson barely acknowledges House. He just turns and walks out the door with the rest of the transplant team. House follows Wilson and walks with him down the hall] House: Since an 18-year-old with organ donor on his license is not a cancer patient, I'm figuring the recipient is a lifetime member of the Wilson cares too much club. Wilson: Excellent deduction. House: You're the reason I'm out of the big house. Doesn't quite make up for never visiting— Wilson: Springing you was Foreman's idea. I wasn't convinced until Simpson failed three times. House: It amounts to the same thing. You wanted me back. Wilson: See, I knew you'd over-interpret it. House: Strong, emotional reaction. I guess that's what a lifetime membership gets you. How’s your wrist? Wilson: Healed, thank you. House: I was wrong. I went to prison. I paid the price. (Wilson’s pager beeps) Wilson: (pulling out his pager) You're a changed man. House: I said I was wrong. I didn't say I changed. I haven't. Neither have you— Wilson: Analyze it however you like. We’re not friends anymore. (He leaves House standing in the hallway) [Cut to Wilson entering Vanessa’s room. Her breathing is labored and she is clutching her chest] Wilson: What can I do? Vanessa: My chest. Angina's back. Wilson: Upping the nitro should knock it back down. Theresa: Sis and I were talking, trying to figure out how many hospital sleepovers we've had. Vanessa: It definitely started with the great mastectomy of 2001. God, I miss my boobs. They were spectacular. Theresa: Is there a chance of locating another donor? Wilson: It's unlikely. Especially since, with the extent of the emphysema, she needs a double lung. Wilson: (to Vanessa) How are you doing? Vanessa: Better already. It's a good thing that worked. I was gonna make you bring me a bottle. Oh, lighten up, Sis. You know, the least you could do is laugh at a dying lady's jokes. Theresa: Your drinking wasn't funny then, and it's not funny now. Because, you're not dying. Wilson: The hospital brought in a consultant to work on the lungs. Theresa: Do you know him? Is he — is he good? Wilson: He is an excellent doctor. [Cut to House and Park arriving at the organ donor’s house. It is pouring rain. Park gets out of the drivers side of the car with a large umbrella, which she shares with House as they walk toward the front door] Park: We probably shouldn't be turning up unannounced like this. Their son just died. House: Bright side — they're probably up weeping. Hey, we both asault our bosses. It's like we're twins. Park: I’d really rather not…. House: Okay, I'll go first. My boss dumped me. And yours what? Called you his China doll? Joked about what a crappy deal you got for Manhattan? Assumed you have a huge penis? I have no idea what flavor you are, so I thought I’d just cover the spread. Park: My mom's Filipino, Dad's Korean, and my boss grabbed my behind. House: Behind what? Oh, yeah, your — grabbed your tushy. So now you're pretending to be on call so that your overly protective boyfriend won't find out that you got groped. [When the reach the front porch, House rings the doorbell] Park: I don't have a boyfriend. It's my parents. If they found out what I've done, they'd be mortified. House: Your parents know your call schedule? Park: I live with them. House: Right. No issues there. [Cut to House dumping a dresser drawer onto a bed] Mr. Weathers: I told you my son didn't do cocaine. [House pulls a pill bottle from his pocket and dry swallows it in front of Mr. Weathers] House: Druggies are not known for their honesty. Trust me on this one. Park: Mr. Weathers, I am sure you're right, but we need to be thorough. Did your son ever smoke marijuana? Mr. Weathers: He was an athlete. Took real good care of himself. [House has opened a nightstand drawer and is haphazardly tossing the contents onto the bed] Mr. Weathers: Hey, take it easy. Steve loved all that— House: Sorry. But we're on a clock. [House goes to the closet and turns on the light. Park hurries over to him] Park: (whispering) I think he's about to throw us out. House: (looking up at Mr. Weathers) Nope. His son is dad. The only way that has any meaning is if we fix the lungs and transplant them. It doesn’t matter how much we piss him off as long as we find something. So go back there, piss him off and find something. [Park approaches Mr. Weathers] Park: Do you know any of the kids at the party with your son? Mr. Weathers: Bunch of his high school buddies. They’d gotten really into poker and decided to have an all-night game in Brandon Broome's basement. [House knocks something on the floor while searching a desk in the bedroom] Mr. Weathers: Hey! [Park hurries over to pick it up] Park: (speaking quietly to House) I understand that we're in a hurry but maybe he should. [House picks up a glasses case off the desk, then looks at the photos on Steve’s dresser] House: Your son isn't wearing glasses in any of these pictures. Mr. Weathers: He just got them a couple of weeks ago. House: Because he was having headaches? [The doorbell rings, and Mr. Weathers looks toward the front of the house] House: Answer the question before answering the door. Mr. Weathers: Yeah, he was. House: You’re right. He was not doing cocaine. He had a brain tumor. [The doorbell rings again] House: Don't bother. It's for me. (propping his foot on the dresser, and pulling up his pant leg to reveal the monitor) Turns out they monitor these monitors. [Cut to House opening the Weathers front door. There is a police officer standing on the front walk and a squad car, with lights flashing, parked at the bottom of the driveway. House walks out into the rain, where the officer takes his arm and escorts him toward the car] [Cut to PPTH. House has just been delivered to Foreman and is sitting in a waiting room chair. Foreman dismisses the police officer] Foreman: (shaking hands with the police officer) Thank you, officer. House: I thought the bracelet was decorative. My aunt had one just like it. Wait a minute. Foreman: You're allowed to be at the hospital. You're allowed to go home. That was made clear. House: dad kid's house was on the way to my apartment. (He picks up his cane and stands) Assuming I got lost, twice. Foreman: Those consultants in my office are only costing the hospital 100 bucks every minute I keep them waiting. Why didn't you just tell me what you were doing? House: I knew you were very busy, being vaguely important. Foreman: I might have cleared it with the cops. House: Yeah, it's the word "might" that bumps me, but I’ll run it by you next time. (He turns to leave) Foreman: House. [House turns back as Foreman approaches] Foreman: Getting you out of jail was not a popular decision with the board. I need you to solve this, and I need you to do it without making me look like I can't control you. For both our sakes. (House nods) [Cut to the morgue. House and Park have pulled Steve Weathers bagged body out of a storage drawer. House hangs his cane on another drawer front] House: Disciplinary hearing should be fun, and the subsequent lingering black mark on your record. Park: I’m not worried. [They start to move the body onto a gurney. House stops and unzips the bag] Park: We have to wheel this out to the MRI. We should probably leave the body in the bag. House: (feeling the body’s upper right arm) There's a mass in the arm. Analyzing part of this tumor is gonna be quicker than a scan. [As House talks to Park, he puts on a pair of latex gloves, cuts into the arm, and excises part of the mass] House: So, where’s the next job? You worry about what people think of you, and parental secrets. The only way that you don't worry about this hearing is if you don't think there's gonna be one. The only way that happens is you leave Princeton Plainsboro. Park: I had a video interview with Chicago yesterday. It went well. [House has deposited the mass in a specimen jar. He holds it up an examines the mass] House: My money's on rhabdomyosarcoma. (giving the jar to Park) Chicago has a great program, and you're a dumbass. [House zips up the body bag] House: Running away from home is a time-honored tradition, but you're not doing it to flee your parents. You're doing it to protect them. (He picks up his cane) That's an insult to everything teen prosttute have worked for. Time to grow up and come clean. Park: You're right. I should just drive my car into their living room and tell them [Park slides the body back into the drawer and closes it up] [Cut to Theresa and Vanessa talking in Vanessa’s room] Theresa: Didn't it turn out that he'd stolen the hot dog cart? Vanessa: No, borrowed. Bobby was very insistent on that point. [They are both laughing when Wilson comes into the room] Wilson: Seems like someone's feeling better. Vanessa: No more chest pain. Wilson: I haven't heard the name Bobby in a long time. How's he doing these days? Vanessa: I don't know. We're not in touch. And don't even pretend like you're not relieved. You never liked him. Wilson: Bobby is an incredibly fun, great guy. Just not a great influence. Theresa: I would have gone with "colossal drunk." Wilson: I was gonna leave that implied, but, yes, colossal drunk. Vanessa: What? It's good for a couple to share a hobby. Wilson: (looking down) Your catheter bag is empty, despite taking in 200 ccs of fluids. I'm gonna have to dial back the nitro. Theresa: Won't her chest pain come back? Wilson: We don't have any choice. The nitro is dropping the blood flow to your kidneys. They're shutting down. [Cut to Wilson approaching his office. He pauses when he hears strains of Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On emanating from his office. He opens the door to find House sitting behind his desk with an open laptop in front of him. He is using the computer to play the song] ♪♫ Near, far, wherever you are, ♪♫ ♪♫ I believe ♪♫ House: This is so our song. ♪♫ That the heart does go on ♪♫ [Wilson strides over to the desk and pauses the song on the computer] Wilson: My patient is running out of time. House: Not worried. My team is confirming the diagnosis as we speak. [House hits play again] ♪♫ You open the door ♪♫ Wilson: (pausing the music again) I want to be understanding. It's your first day back— House: See? I smell empathy. [House turns the song back on and leans back in the office chair] ♪♫ And you're here in my heart ♪♫ House: You should remember all the good times. Like when I gave you that necklace that you just dumped n the ocean. What were you thinking? ♪♫ My heart will go on ♪♫ Wilson: (pausing the music yet again) House, I haven't forgotten our friendship. For every good memory, there's a slew of bad ones. [There is a knock on the office door. House and Wilson answer simultaneously] House: Come in. Wilson: Come in. [Park enters the office] Park: Paraneoplastic syndrome's out. The lung donor didn't have cancer. House: Tell that to the tumor that I found in his arm. Park: That mass wasn't a tumor. It was coagulated plasma. E.R. pumped him full of it. I.V. leaked into his arm. I even did a complete MRI. No cancer anywhere. We've got nothing. House: Just 'cause it wasn't a tumor doesn't mean it didn't mess with the lungs. They're reacting to something in the plasma. Park: But every unit of plasma can have up to 25 contributing donors. We need to track down all of them. House: Still. (picking up his cane and heading out the door) It's not as bad as a thousand people going down in a gigantic boat, right? My heart will go on. (He leaves Wilson’s office) [Cut to Foreman’s office] Foreman: No. You can't leave the hospital. House: 25 donors contributed to the plasma that the lung donor got. My team cannot track down and interview them all in six hours. Foreman: I vouch for you to the cops, you take some parole-violating detour celebrating your freedom, justified, of course, by some absurd theory connecting it to the case. House: You asked me to ask you. Was that just so you'd enjoy saying no? Foreman: I don't trust you, House. I can't. House: Actually you have to. Foreman: Not absolutely. Not outside the walls of this hospital. House: Fine, then give me a team I don't have to put in quotation marks. Foreman: Use the people already on the case. House: Give me Chase, Taub, Thirteen. Foreman: We don't have the money to pay them. House: Oh, yeah. (looking around the newly decorated office) It went to interior designers, I understand. Foreman: You only have Park because she's on neurology's tab. You are making minimum wage. House: I am? Foreman: Get out of my office, please. (House leaves) [Cut to House leaning against the wall in the corridor across from his old office. His cell phone rings. It is Wilson, calling from an industrial kitchen of some kind] House: What do you got? Wilson: Number three went to a baseball game the day before he donated. House: Boredom is not transmissible. Wilson: He ate a bag of peanuts, and peanut proteins would be. If our donor had an allergy, it could explain the lungs. House: Nice. Wilson: What? House: Nothing. Wilson: Don't start that. House: Start what? I'm enjoying our conversation. The repartee. Wilson: There was no repartee. House: That was repartee. Wilson: I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it to help my patient. House: It's just good to hear your voice. Wilson: (disconnecting) Goodbye. [House pockets his phone and looks at the whiteboard standing in what used to be the diagnostics outer office, but is now part of Orthopedics. A technician is diagramming how he will be removing the cast from a patient’s arm. House enters the room and starts to roll the whiteboard out of the room] House: That's my whiteboard. I need it. And he really doesn't care how the cast comes off. [He is stopped by a nurse who blocks the door] Betty: (smiling) Dr. Foreman warned us that you'd try something. Told me to call him if you did. I'd like to do that. [House stares her down for a second, then pushes the whiteboard back toward the technician. His cell phone rings] House: I'll take this outside. [Betty lets him pass, but before he actually leaves, he grabs a marker off of a table by the door and closes the blinds. Out in the hallway, he hangs his cane on a ledge above the wall glass and prepares to use the glass as a whiteboard] House: (answering the phone) Yeah. Park: (getting into her car in a residential neighborhood) Donor six traveled to Thailand around Khorat. Region was endemic with dengue fever. [House has written “Pnut all” on the glass and now adds “dengue”] House: Good. [There is a quick cut to Wilson leaving a house and hanging up his phone, and then back to House who writes Park’s and Wilson’s ideas on the wall glass as they call in. Cut to House sitting across from his makeshift whiteboard. He twiddles with the marker as he examines the list of ideas. His phone rings again] House: Yeah. Park: Alcohol. House: He’d have to be pretty drunk for it to affect a pool of plasma. [Park is at a highway underpass populated by homeless men and a painting crew] Park: These guys have got that covered. Acute etoh ingestion could have—(she interrupts the call to yell at the painting crew) hey, paint around them, they’re not hurting anyone] House: Who's painting? Park: The crew's just starting. Paint fumes didn't cause contamination. But, maybe the old paint did. They scraped off the underpass, probably because it contains… lead. House: (speaking it at the same time as Park does) Lead. [Cut to Wilson entering Vanessa’s room] Wilson: Chest pain back? Vanessa: It’s worse this time. Is there any way to take the edge off? Wilson: We're still working on the lungs. We should know soon. Vanessa: Soon is good. [House bangs on the window with his cane. Wilson goes out into the hallway to see what he wants. They walk to a nearby waiting area where House sits] Wilson: (still standing) How's the chelation going? House: Reverend Moon started it about 20 minutes ago. You missed lunch tracking down the plasma donors. Got you a Reuben from the cafeteria. [House pulls a sandwich out of a paper bag and hands it to Wilson] Wilson: Thanks. (he sits) Lead exposure's a nice diagnosis. I hope it pays off. House: It will. Wilson: I appreciate your confidence, but she's not really— House: Oh, no, she could die. But technically it will still pay off. Even if your patient dies, someone will get the lungs. [House takes a bite out of his own sandwich] Wilson: You really haven't changed. But I've given up red meat. [Wilson tosses his unopened sandwich into a wastebasket and leaves] [Cut to Park in the ICU with the lungs. Foreman enters] Foreman: What round of chelation is this? Park: Fourth. Are you checking up on me, or on House? Foreman: On this case. Unique situation. Oxygenating? Park: 98%. Airway resistance down. Foreman: Great. Is House okay? Park: I have no idea. [There is a knock on the ICU door. A middle age Asian man waves to Park. She goes out into the hallway. The man is holding a plastic, covered, bowl of food] Park: Dad, what are you doing here? Mr. Park: Got your text. (holding out the bowl) I brought you some of your Mother’s gomguk. Park: What text? Mr. Park: The one asking me to bring you some dinner. I went by neurology. The secretary said you were on leave. Park: I'm consulting on this case. Unique situation. [Mr. Park looks through the glass at the lungs in a box] Mr. Park: It looks very complicated. You, can help with that? [The machines start beeping in the ICU] Park: Lungs are crashing. I have to go. Bye. [She stands on her tiptoes and gives her father a kiss on the cheek before going back into the ICU to help Foreman with the lungs] Foreman: Increasing to 100% FiO2. Park: (checking the IV line) Saline flow is down to 10 ccs. Foreman: Blockage? Clot in the line? Park: Chelation is making it worse. It means we were wrong about lead. Foreman: Hold the analysis and help me save this thing. Park: Saline's flushing it forward but getting no return. One-way valve. Vasospasm. Foreman: If you're right, calcium channel blocker should relax the artery. [Foreman pulls open a drawer and takes out a syringe] Park: The lungs have no nervous system. Will that still work? Foreman: (pushing the calcium channel blocker into the IV line) We'll know soon. [The machine alarms start slowing down to their normal rhythms] Foreman: Saline flow is rising. Vasospasm’s relaxing. Left lung is pinking up. Good job. Park: (watching the lungs) Right middle lobe isn't. [She pushes another syringe into the IV line] Foreman: Nothing. Park: We klled part of the lung. [Park and Foreman look at one another, then Park looks back at her father, still standing in the hallway. He waves to her] [Cut to House and Park walking down a hospital corridor. House has his phone to his ear] House: (into the phone) Page Dr. Pinto stat to the cath lab. Park: We're going to the cath lab? Are you thinking that maybe— House: What? Who? One dad lobe means four alive ones. It means enough to transplant with a side order of dad tissue that we can test. Park: It makes sense. Unlike you stealing my phone. House: You have unlimited texting. Until your parents know, you will never see that punch for what it really was. Your February 4th. Sri Lankan Independence Day. Park: I told you I'm Korean and Filipino. House: And I told you I wasn't listening. By my actions. Park: volence isn't an appropriate way to handle conflict. It was a moment of weakness. House: You barked at me, picked a fight with a painting crew. Maybe it's time to recognize it's not a character flaw. Maybe it's your character. [I front of House and Park, a doctor exits his office, shutting the door behind him] House: (acknowledging the doctor) Pinto! Dr. Pinto: House. [House and Park stop in front of the office Dr. Pinto just left. The nameplate on the door reads “Mike Pinto M.D., Director of Cardiology.” House looks back at Dr. Pinto hurrying down the hallway away from them and reaches for the office doorknob] House: (to Park) Embrace your inner bitch. [House enters Dr. Pinto’s office. Park reluctantly follows. House smiles as he spots the Eames chair, which used to be in his office] House: So why did chelation make the lungs worse? [House sets his cane aside, and rubbing his right leg, prepares to move the chair] House: We got about five minutes till Pinto gets back. Give me a hand with this. Park: No. [House look at her incredulously, then puts the ottoman up onto the chair] Park: I tracked down another bag of plasma from the batch they used on the donor. Negative for all our other exposures. House: Sarcoidosis could be inflamed by the treatment. (He looks at the chair then back at Park) I am a cripple, in need of assistance. Park: (ignoring House, Park opens the patient file) Um, transplant team ran an A.C.E. Negative. House: It's mine. And it's your job. Park: My job is to assist you in curing the lungs. House: This chair will help me do that. [House lays his cane across the chair and, walking backwards, drags it past Park and toward the doorway] Park: What if the scrapings from the bridge contained other heavy metals like barilium or asbestos? House: Chelation for lead wouldn't have made them worse. [House has reached the door and discovered that the chair is too wide to fit through. He stands up as a thought comes to him about the case] House: But… maybe the problem isn't a heavy metal from outside. It's inside. But it's not leaving the body like it's supposed to. It's stuck. Iron. The donor had hemosiderosis. Park: His body wasn't disposing of iron. Massive amounts choke up the lungs. Then our chelation would wreak havoc because it picks up too much stuff. House: Go stain the dad lung tissue for iron. [A worried look appears on Parks face as she spots something in the hallway. House, surmising that Dr. Pinto has returned, speaks loudly] House: I'm sorry, young lady, I simply will not help you steal this chair. [House turns and walks down the hallway, leaving Park trapped in Pinto’s office by the chair] House: Pinto. Dr. Pinto: House. [Dr. Pinto looks at Park, standing in his office] Park: Hi. [Cut to Wilson entering Vanessa’s hospital room. Vanessa’s breathing is labored. Her sister is standing by the bed] Theresa: She can barely catch her breath. [Wilson takes Theresa’s place by the bed and, putting on his stethoscope, listens to her chest] Vanessa: Lungs ready yet? Wilson: We're testing for iron overload. Theresa: I thought it was lead. Wilson: This is not an exact process. (to Vanessa) Your small airways are collapsing. You're not getting enough oxygen. I'd like to try forcing an oxygen-rich slurry into your lungs. It should open up the airways and buy you some time until the lungs are ready. Vanessa: Fluid? In my lungs? Sounds like drow…drowning. Wilson: It is. Vanessa: Gonna hurt, isn't it? Wilson: Yes, a fair amount. Vanessa: No. I'm done. [Cut to House, reading a magazine entitled Moto Circus. It’s not clear where he is. There is a knock on the door] Wilson: (through the door) House, the nurses saw you come in. House: Enter. Wilson: It's a bathroom. House: Ah, explains the hole in this chair. [Wilson enters the patient room bathroom looking exasperated] House: God, I missed doors. And air freshener. [House closes the magazine and sprays the room with a can of air freshener. He puts the can back on the side table and opens the magazine] House: Now go away. I'm waiting for some test results. Wilson: My patient signed a DNR. She's giving up. Looks like someone else will be getting the lungs. Making this yet another interaction with you in which I get nothing. House: It's not my fault you can't handle your patient. Wilson: She said she's done. I spent half an hour trying to change her mind, but she'd made her decision. I accepted that. It's called respect. House: And what's after respect? You find another angle. You hold her hand, get the sister to beg, (he throws the magazine onto the side table) stick your fingers in your ears, pretend you can't hear. You do whatever it takes. Wilson: Oh, whatever it takes. Thanks, House. I hadn't thought of that. [Wilson slaps the doorframe and walks away. House picks up his cane and uses it to close the bathroom door] [Cut to Park working in the lab. Foreman enters] Foreman: What are you testing for? Park: Hemosiderosis. I'm staining for excess iron. Foreman: Promising. When your dad showed up unexpectedly, House have a hand in that? Park: I'm guessing he does things like that a lot. Foreman: His version of a compliment. (Park nods) I spoke to the head of neurology in Chicago. I gave you a good recommendation. Park: Did you mention what happened? Foreman: Lawyers say I'm not allowed to. It works out well for everyone. Park: (slightly angry) Why exactly is that good for you? Foreman: Excuse me? Park: I'm a talented physician, top 2% of my class. I'm an asset to this hospital, an asset you're about to lose to Chicago. Foreman: You applied for the job. You asked me to call and recommend you. Park: Andrews is the one that should leave. He's the supervisor. He touched me first. Foreman: I can't discuss any of that, not before the hearing. But if you're having doubts about Chicago, I can call them back. Park: (meekly) No. Thank you. [Foreman starts to leave when Park pulls something up on her monitor and calls him back] Park: Dr. Foreman? Would you look at this? Foreman: Iron? Park: No. White blood cells. Foreman: (looking at the monitor) Classic presentation of infection. Park: How the hell did we miss that? [Cut to House sitting on a sofa and picking fruit from a fruit bouquet. (Note: Its not clear exactly where his is in the hospital, but a card on the bouquet says “OBGYN L&D,” and there are bookshelves along the walls, so I’m guessing its the doctors lounge in the OB, GYN department)] Park: Biopsy revealed, white blood cell inflitrates. House: Infection was right, after all. [Park looks at House as he indulges in a large piece of cantaloupe] House: Fresh fruit in prison is usually chicken. Park: Why aren't you more alarmed? We're running out of time. House: (yelling) Aahh, she's dying! (speaking normally again) Were you able to figure out what was wrong while I was screaming? Park: Infection was the first thing that the transplant team treated for. House: Which would have worked if the bacteria had been out in the open. If they're hiding inside the lung cells… I'm thinking brucella. And to wipe that out, you need special ops. (Park looks confused) An intact immune system. Park: (reaching for and eating a piece of fruit) But that's what white blood cells are. House: They're part of the immune defense force, like the infantry. But those lungs need the Air Force and the Marines, antibodies raining down from above. (Park still does not understand) House: (explaining) Antibiotics and IVIG. Park: Did you use metaphors for your old team? Or do you just think I'm particularly stupid? House: No, they were stupid too. [Cut to Vanessa’s room. Vanessa is asleep. Theresa is dozing in the chair. She gets up quickly when she sees someone approaching the room. Wilson walks in with Bobby. Theresa confronts him] Theresa: (to Bobby) What are you doing here? Bobby: I'm here for Vanessa. Theresa: Now is not the time, Bobby. Bobby: She asked me to come. Right, Doc? Wilson: (to Theresa) Actually, it was my idea. Theresa: What? What were you thinking? She doesn't want to see him. Wilson: When Vanessa was ready to quit chemo, Bobby's the one who got her to do one more round. Theresa: Yeah, and then he got her drunk. (to Bobby) At least tell me you haven't been drinking today. Bobby: I should go. Vanessa: (waking up) Hail, hail, the gng's all here. [Bobby smiles and goes over to the bed. Theresa leaves the room] Bobby: (to Vanessa) Hey beautiful. Vanessa: Hi. [Wilson closes the door, leaving Vanessa and Bobby alone] [Cut to radiology where House is lying inside the scanner. Wilson pushes the button that moves the table out of the scanner] House: (lifting his head to look at Wilson) Case is under control. It's me time. [House pushes the button to slide the table back into the scanner. Wilson again pushes the button, sliding the table back out of the scanner. This time House just lies there with his eyes closed] Wilson: Vanessa's gonna do the lung slurry. (House props himself up on his elbows and looks at Wilson) You were right to push me. I needed that. Thank you. House: So we're good? Wilson: It was good advice. Just, came here to say thank you. [Wilson turns to leave] House: I like you. (WiIson stops and looks back at House) I have fun with you. (House pushes up to a sitting postion) And, if you can honestly say that you don't like me, you don't have fun with me, I can accept that. But, just do whatever you have to do to get over this. You can punch me in the face, kick me in the nuts. Either/or. Both seems excessive. Wilson: The thing is, House… I don't like you. (He leaves) [Cut to Park and Dr. Simpson monitoring the lungs in the ICU. House enters] House: When did the discoloration start? Park: A few minutes after I started the IVIG. House: Means we're wrong about infection. Dr. Simpson: And by we, you mean you. You screwed up the lungs. House: Wrong about autoimmune, not cancer, heavy metals, genetic issues… Increase peep. Dr. Simpson: Already maxed out. We're close to the point of no return. The lungs will never be viable for transplant. House: I need… I need ideas. Park: IgA nephropathy. House: That's already ruled out. Dr. Simpson: Lupus. House: (frustrated) No--o. Park: Maybe we're just out of time. House: We're out of time when we're out of time. When they die or she dies. Keep them sab as long as you can. I need to think. (He leaves) [Cut to a pile of broken glass. House has broken the wall glass and is now sitting in what once was his office, tapping his cane and squeezing a ball as he thinks. A doctor comes in, looks at the broken glass, then at House. Cut to House being forcibly thrown out of Orthopedics (his old office). Cut to House sitting on the floor in the main hospital waiting area. He is bouncing the ball off the glass wall opposite. He misses one throw and the ball bounces under a bench. He struggles up to retrieve the ball and sees a group of nurses and doctors celebrating a nurse’s birthday with a cake at a nearby nursing station. Wilson is among the group] Wilson: One, two… three… Everyone: Make a wish. Make a wish. [The nurse blows out the candles and everyone applauds. House watches the smoke from the burnt out candles and has his medical epiphany] [Cut to the ICU, where Park is monitoring the lungs] House: The lungs are a smoker. (speaking to the lungs) You of all people should know better. Park: But the kid never smoked. House: He played poker. Who plays poker without cigars? Even if he didn't light up himself… It was a rainy night. The windows were closed. [As House speaks there is a short flashback scene of a bunch of men sitting around a poker table and smoking cigars. The camera focuses on the lung donor, Steve Weathers, who coughs, then the camera zooms onto Steve’s mouth and there is a CGI scene of the Steve’s throat and lungs as he inhales the smoke] House: All parents think their kids are special. And these ones were right. At least his white blood cells were special. They had an on switch for reacting to smoke, but no off. When he inhaled small amounts of smoke, he had small problems. No one even noticed. Big amounts of smoke, that's enough to trash a lung. As soon as he breathed in all that cigar smoke, he was a dad man. The motorcycle accident was an unnecessary dramatic flourish. Park: Eosiniphilic pneumonitis. But, the steroids would have treated for that. House: I was right. Not about anything medical, but my metaphors were perfect. We need to ht it harder. We need to carpet bmb, blitzkrieg. We need the nuclear option. Park: At some point you're going to say we need to radiate, right? House: See, the metaphors work. Park: But that'll destroy the good lung too. Better to go with a strong cocktail of immunosuppressants. House: Won't be fast enough. Wilson needs these lungs. [Yesterday Was Hard on All of Us by Fink, plays throughout the closing scenes of the episode] [Cut to a Radiology observation booth, where Park is radiating the lungs. She watches as the lungs start to pink up and] ♪♫ Where do we go from here? ♪♫ ♪♫ Where do we go? ♪♫ [Foreman enters the booth and looks down at the lungs] ♪♫ And is it real or just… ♪♫ Park: It's working. ♪♫ something we think we know? ♪♫ Park: (looking up at Foreman) He did it. ♪♫ Where are we going now? ♪♫ Park: I'm not going to Chicago. Foreman: If you stay, we have to have a hearing. Park: I know. [Foreman nods and leaves the booth] ♪♫ Cause if it's the same as yesterday, you know I'm out, just so you know, ♪♫ [Park looks at her phone lying on the counter. She picks it up and keys in a number] ♪♫ Because, because, our paths they cross, ♪♫ ♪♫ Yesterday was hard, ♪♫ Park: Dad… Do you have a minute? ♪♫ on all of us, ♪♫ [Cut to the OR where the lungs are being transplanted into Vanessa] Surgeon: Thoracic cavity clear. Ready for the donor lungs. ♪♫ On all of us, ♪♫ [Cut to after the surgery. Bobby is with Vanessa in her hospital room. Wilson and Theresa stand outside the room] Theresa: Thank God you called him. ♪♫ From here? ♪♫ ♪♫ Who can we trust? ♪♫ Theresa: I wonder what happens now. Wilson: She can handle it. ♪♫ Are you real or just something from wanderlust? ♪♫ [Cut to the main lobby of the hospital. House wanders in with a cigar in his mouth. He stops, hooks his cane over his left arm and starts to light the cigar] ♪♫ Who can we trust my dear, sweet, flower? ♪♫ ♪♫ Who can you trust? ♪♫ Foreman: (coming up behind House) House! [House turns around, shaking out the match when he spots Foreman] ♪♫ From cradle to grave, ♪♫ Foreman: Got something for you. ♪♫ From ashes to ashes, ♪♫ ♪♫ from dust to dust, ♪♫ [Cut to Foreman and House standing outside House’s old office. His name has been put back on the door, but the designation of “Department of Diagnostic Medicine” is conspicuously absent. All of his things have been put back in their proper places, including, but not limited to, the big tennis ball on the desk and the photo of Stephen Colbert] Foreman: I found your stuff in storage. [House opens the door and they both go in] ♪♫ Because, because, ♪♫ ♪♫ Our paths, they cross, ♪♫ Foreman: This is all you get. Ortho still has the outer office. ♪♫ Yesterday was hard, on all of us, ♪♫ House: Well, that sucks. Where are Chase, Taub, and Thirteen gonna sit? Foreman: You're welcome, House. ♪♫ On all of us, ♪♫ [Foreman leaves and House looks around his office. Wilson strides determinably into House’s office. They stand facing each other for a few seconds, then Wilson punches House in the face, knocking him to the floor] House: Oof! Wilson: (rubbing his fist) Ah! ♪♫ Where do we go from here? ♪♫ ♪♫ Where do we go? ♪♫ ♪♫ Tell you what, you go first, almost like its kind of rehearsed, but its not, ♪♫ Wilson: Dinner later? I’ll pick something up. House: (still lying on the floor and rubbing his jaw) I heard about a good new vegetarian place. Wilson: Screw that. I want a steak. ♪♫ Because, because, ♪♫ Wilson: I'll meet you at your place at 8:00. (He leaves) ♪♫ Our paths they cross, ♪♫ [House rubs his jaw again, moves it around, feeling for anything that might be broken, then, using his cane for support, he gets up off the floor, and sits down in his office chair] ♪♫ Yesterday was hard, on all of us, ♪♫ ♪♫ On all of us, ♪♫ [The camera pull back into the hallway, to that old familiar sh*t of House, leaning back in his chair with his feet on the desk. The only thing missing is his title on the door of the office] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x02 - Transplant"}	foreverdreaming
Lady: If you don't know how to use a computer, we will teach you here. Most jobs require at least basic word processing skills. We try to get you up to 50 words per minute. We also have a course in how to talk to someone in an interview. Stuff like what employers are looking for, how to turn negatives into positives. We can also provide clothes for the interview if you need them. People donate shoes and suits all the time. Benjamin: Wh-what if I had a history with, uh… with drugs? Lady: That is nothing to be ashamed of. Many of our clients have struggled with addiction, and, if you want to get clean, we'll help you do that. Benjamin: And what if I have a kid? Lady: No one to help you? Benjamin: You know, if I need someone to watch her while I'm in class or, uh, on an interview. Could you help with that? Lady: We do not provide child care. Actually, it's something that comes up often. I would love to be able to do it. I just don't have the resources. But it's definitely on the wish list. Benjamin: Okay… Okay, uh, thank you. I'll be back. [Cell phone ringing] Lady: Oh, I have to take this. Yes, please come back, we'll get you started. It was nice to meet you, Benjamin. [Phone continues to ring] Lady: Okay. Lady: Hey, Oscar. Agh! Oh, that is too bad. Did they tell you why? (As Benjamin exits the office, the lady looks down on an envelope that lies on the floor. It has the words ‘For Phoenix’ written on it. She picks it up, looking a bit confused.) Lady: Yeah… Mm-hmm. Well, you know what? Sometimes, you just don't get the job, but… (As she opens the envelope, she looks stunned.) Lady: Oscar, I gotta call you back. (We see a check donating one million dollars to the Phoenix Foundation, the office Benjamin just left. The check is from The Benjamin Byrd Foundation, and we learn that Benjamin is a rich philanthropist.) Lady: Oh… uh, uh… (She runs towards Benjamin, who is walking across the street.) Lady: Benjamin! Benjamin, wait! (Benjamin suddenly collapses. She rushes to him) Lady: Oh, my God. Uh… [Grunting] Lady: Somebody call an ambulance! [H]OUSE m.d. House, who is in the bathroom at PPTH, opens a little bag, takes out an electric shaver and plugs it to the wall. He puts the razor on, and stares at himself in the mirror for a little while. He starts shaving his beard, but then begins trimming his hair as well. [Clippers buzz] [Clippers shut off] [Clippers buzzing] Park: Why am I watching you cut your hair? House: If I do it at home, I'm the one who has to clean it up. Park: I was referring less to where it’s happening and more to why. House: New life, new look. (They exit the bathroom, and start walking towards House’s office.) Park: Does that mean you like your new life? House: If you're asking if your job is safe, that depends on what you have to say about the file you're holding. Park: It doesn't seem like much of a case. Although, I'm sure I'm wrong… House: You are. Tell me why. Park: Guy collapsed after being on his feet for hours on a hot day without breakfast, so… that's really weird. House: E.R. found nothing wrong, then I decided I should test his wallet. Park: He's rich? That's why we're taking the case? House: No, we're taking the case because no one knows what's wrong with him. And he's rich. (They enter House’s office, where a young gorgeous woman is sitting, waiting for him.) House: Dr. Adams. (To Park) Give her the file. Park: This is my only copy. House: My M.O. depends upon the use of a team. Definitionally, that involves… more than one person. So I really have no choice. Give her the file. Park: You can't afford a team. House: Adams is free. And I'm referring both to her availability and her price tag (Adams gives him a look). New girl, meet newer girl, and vice versa. Adams: You said we were meeting for coffee. House: Well, when someone asks if you want coffee, they obviously don't just mean coffee. Wait… did you think I was referring to sex? (To Park) Would you shut the blinds on your way out? Adams: I thought you were referring to talking. House: Talking about medicine. Specifically, as it refers to the guy whose name is on the file she still hasn't handed you. Adams: I'm not working, House. I'm in the process of looking for a paying job. House: In the meantime, there's no way a do-gooder like you has been volunteering all over town — ladling kittens, spaying soup… Adams: There is a free clinic in Trenton. House: Well, think of this as today's free clinic. Only with fewer bums with herpes. Park: I don't think we actually have much of a case. I think it's just dehydration. House: What happened the last time another doctor told you I was wrong about a case? Adams: I lost my job. House: You saved a life. --Cut to: Benjamin’s room-- Benjamin: Is an ultrasound really necessary? I'm feeling much better now. Adams: Oh, a sudden collapse at your age can indicate a deterioration of the heart muscle. Pretty serious condition. Park: It can also just be dehydration. (To Benjamin) Next time, you could probably drop the undercover act. [Chuckles] Benjamin: I walk in a suit, and they're gonna put their best foot forward. Also, I don't own a suit. Adams: (While performing the ultrasound) You give away millions and you don't own a suit? Benjamin: I gave those away too. One day, I was writing a check to my landscaper, and it suddenly ht me — $6,000 to take out plants and put in different plants. So I can look at them. Shouldn't I use that money to do something important? Adams: And by money, you mean all your money. Benjamin: I started with 10 million, and I couldn't think of a reason not to give 20. Or 40. I figure I could live off $25,000 a year. One-room apartment. Bus pass, thrift stores. Bare necessities. I still have my software company. And when I make more, I'll give that way too. --Cut to: House’s office-- Park: He's nuts. Adams: He's generous. Park: There's a neurological issue. He's getting rid of everything. (Buzzing sounds come from the orthopedic department) Adams: His echocardiogram is negative for cardiomyopathy. Head CT showed no signs of stroke or hemorrhage. Park: He has one pair of pants. Adams: Most people with his kind of money are commissioning oil paintings of their Yorkshire terrier. Benjamin is sacrificing his own comfort to help others. House: That's because helping others is his Yorkie oil painting. Adams: That's good. Not sick. Park: That's naive and sick. You really want to improve things? You do it through policy. This guy empties his pockets, what really changes? House: That's right, all those babies with AIDS, they're just using us. Park: My parents had $800 between them when they got here. They scraped and borrowed so we could go to good schools, and I worked my ass off. No one gave me a handout. It makes me work harder. House: (Pointing to Adams) Rebuttal. (Foreman enters) Foreman: What's your evil plan? House: I object to your cynicism. Foreman: It's been earned. House: That's what I object to. The new Dean of Medicine has an ethical obligation to come in with a completely open mind about all employees, thus letting me blithely run roughshod for at least four weeks. Foreman: My theory is that you're running a battery of tests to convince him that you saved his life, then con him into funding you to hire back your team. House: (Sarcastically) What? Park: Your old team? House: [Shouts] What? Foreman: This is your new reality. You've got your office. You've got neighbors. You've got one employee, one volunteer. Until she finds actual, paid work, or gets sick of you. House: I talked to Chase and Taub. They're willing to come back. Foreman: What about Thirteen? House: Not a good choice. She's not long term because she has no long term. Foreman: Not taking your calls? House: She will. Foreman: Discharge the patient. House: Unexplained loss of consciousness could be cardiomyopathy, global anoxia, subarachnoid hemorrhage— Foreman: Dehydration. He was given fluids, and he got better. And I'm sure your tests have come up negative, or you would have shut me up already. Which means he goes home. Park: There is a symptom… Extreme altruism. Foreman: You've got two choices, House. You can recognize that your patient is just a very nice, healthy guy, and send him home, or you can consider altruism a symptom. In which case, you cannot take his money. (Walks out) House: (To Park) Send him home. And check with admitting for the net worth of all new patients. --Cut to: PPTH lobby-- Thirteen: (Sitting in a couch) I'm not coming back, House. House: Technically, you're back right now. Thirteen: (While standing up)I need you to stop calling me. First 17 messages were cute, but— House: I'm putting the band back together. Thirteen: Interesting that you never showed up at my place, what with your love of annoying me and your inability to take no for an answer. I'm guessing ankle monitor. House: (Showing her his monitor) Guilty as charged. Literally. Thirteen: I'm not a doctor anymore, House. House: The job went away, but not the profession. You look healthy, so… that's not it. You met a boy. Or a girl. Fall in love, wanna be happy. You decided to… enjoy what time you have left. You're going to Thailand. Thirteen: Girl. And Mykonos. [House yawns] Thirteen: Turns out I like boring. House: No, you wanna like boring. But if you actually liked boring, you would have figured that out in fifth grade, when you were bored. Thirteen: Please stop calling me. House: (As she leaves) No. (She stops, looks at him) House: You showed up to tell me that you don't want to hear from me. That's a mixed signal. I will choose to listen to your actions rather than your words. They're more honest. (Thirteen leaves) --Cut to: Benjamin’s room-- Benjamin: I'm a little confused. Park: The test is designed to determine if you're— Benjamin: No, I mean you’re running a test and discharging me. Was I dehydrated or not? Adams: I think so. But, out of an abundance of caution, my colleague has taken it upon herself to do one more test. Benjamin: All right. Adams: You scare me a little. Benjamin: [Laughs] Why? Adams: I've been considering applying to Doctors Without Borders. Going overseas a while and that seems like a huge sacrifice. But… you— Park: You don't scare her. You make her feel guilty. Benjamin: Oh, you… you like your life the way it is. Most people give the minimum they have to give so they can enjoy what they have left. I guess my minimum is just… higher than most. Park: Complete recruitment and interference pattern. His leg muscles are fine. Benjamin: I feel, uh, funny. Adams: Where? Benjamin: My chest. Park: You're tachycardic. Your heart's beating too fast. Adams: Unbelievable. [Heart monitor beeping] [Benjamin grunting] --Cut to: House’s office-- Park: Patient got tachycardic to 185. We pushed 18 milligrams adenosine. There's definitely something wrong with him. House: Which is awesome. Now there's something to cure, which means there's something to be disproportionately financially grateful for. (Adams walks in) Adams: Morning. Got you a coffee. Park: Thanks. House: Arrhythmia could easily have caused the collapse that landed Father Teresa in here in the first place. (Park hands Adams two dollars) Adams: Oh, that's fine. Keep it. Adams: We looked at his heart yesterday, didn't see any structural abnormalities. I'm thinking occult long QT syndrome? Park: What about Whipple's? House: If it was Whipple's, there'd be some kind of neurological involvement. Park: You don't think defying human nature is neurological? House: Racing heart: Medical condition. Bleeding heart: Stupid condition. Park: Are you saying that because you believe it, or because it's in your financial best interest to think his generosity isn't just temporary? House: I'm told that some people are just nice. I'm trying to embrace that wisdom. Adams: Benjamin's been taking allergy medication the last few weeks. Long QT syndrome can be medication-induced. House: Flush him with saline, get rid of the antihistamines, then do an EKG. No, wait. I'll do the flushing. (To Adams) Take the damn $2.00. She hasn't even sipped the coffee. (Walks out) --Cut to: Benjamin’s room-- House: I just got so angry. You know? So I made a terrible mistake. Now I'm trying to start my life over. To help people the way I always wanted. But my department got defunded, and… it's my fault. Just can't stand to think of all those patients going untreated because I don't have the resources to do my best work. Benjamin: How about I help you out? House: How do you mean? Benjamin: I'll give a million dollars as an endowment to the hospital, earmarked for diagnostics. House: Wow. I am an opportunistic ex-con who just gave you a two-minute sob story as step three in my master plan, and you've offered me a million dollars. Which is step 17. Benjamin: Is that bad? House: Ethics are not my strong suit. --Cut to: Wilson’s office-- House: Hypothetical — if I'm offered oral sex from a sexaholic, do I have to decline? Don't answer yet. Saying no will cause both of us pain. Saying yes will cause both of us pleasure. Wilson: You can't take sex from a sexaholic. You can't give booze to an alcoholic, and you can't take this guy's money. House: Could be wrong about the symptom. I'm wrong all the time. Wilson: Taking money from a sick person is ethically suspect at best. House: What is this, Canada? All we do is take money from sick people. Wilson: We work for it. House: I'm working! Wilson: How much? House: 20 dollars. (Wilson gesticulates) Well, what if it was? It's the same principle. 20 dollars, a million… What's the difference? Wilson: Actually, the difference is pretty much a million dollars. House: He came up with the figure, not me. [Beeping] Wilson: Crap. Got a patient with end stage renal disease. Her heart can't support dialysis. She needs a transplant, but… (House is thinking, looking distracted) you tuned out as soon as it stopped being about you, didn't you? House: What? Wilson: I gotta go. House: It's all moot. Patient probably has long QT. Probably just a really, really decent person. They exist, right? Wilson. You can't take the money, House. (Walks out) --Cut to: Treatment room-- Benjamin: Is long QT bad? Park: It's a tough thing to control. Is there someone you want me to call? Benjamin: There's someone I would like to call. She's the same person who won't take my calls. My wife. When I started giving away the money, I-I hoped she'd want to do it with me. She didn't. I miss them. I have two little boys. Having a family doesn't exempt me from social responsibility. Park: But family comes first. Benjamin: It should. I know that sounds weird, but… someone who's related to you, does that empirically makes them more special? More deserving than anyone else? Park: Yes, it gives you a responsibility. Benjamin: My boys have a roof over their heads. They're not starving. I pay court-ordered child support, and, frankly, it's, uh… more than they need. I love them more than anything, I just… I can't justify buying video games and private schools when other people's children are starving. I hope, one day, they'll understand that. Park: Your hands are trembling. (His hands start shaking violently.) Benjamin: Is it the electrodes? Park: Are you in pain? Benjamin: No. What's happening? Park: I'm not sure, but it's not what we thought it was. --Cut to: PPTH cafeteria-- House and Adams are sitting. House is eating potato chips. House: So… arrhythmia, fainting, muscle tremors. Plus, unfortunately, mental changes. Park comes in, and hands Adams a coffee. Adams looks a little bit surprised, but takes it. Adams: (To House) I still don't think it's neurological. (Park sits beside Adams) House: God bless you. Park: He lost his wife and kids because he couldn't stop giving money away. Adams: He lost his wife because she couldn't accept not being filthy rich. House: (To Park) She's not drinking the coffee either. Park: Drink it, don't drink it. The point is, I gave it to you, so we're even. Adams: Even? It was a gift. An insignificant token. There was nothing owed. That was the whole point. Park: Why? Adams: Why? House: Yeah, why? Adams: She's the crazy one. Park: So a guy gives everything away to strangers: Sane. Girl who doesn't want anything from a stranger: crazy. Adams: You're not a stranger. And your perverse view of the world is making you force a neurological component onto an obviously cardiological— House: Your parents didn't love you enough. So you need to prove your superiority. Or they love you too much, so you need to prove your humility. Or it's just rich guilt. I'm betting on the last one. Adams: There's a whole list of drugs that could have caused his symptoms. House: I doubt the guy would spend money on drugs when there are orphans out there without cable. Park: Anyway, he'd be getting better right now, not worse. Could be polyarteritis nodosa. Adams: That comes with a rash. Echovirus. House: [Echoing] Virus, virus, virus, virus… Adams: Fits his physical symptoms. And could, but doesn't necessarily cause personality changes. (House and Park look at her) Works for everyone? House: Start him on antivirals. And, Adams… when you treat, and he gets better, and doesn't give Bob Cratchit Christmas day off, you owe me a coffee. (He gets up and walks out) --Cut to: House’s office-- Thirteen: (on the phone from her house) Click the third tab from the left and find the box that says "previous entries." You get a drop-down menu sorted by patient name and department. House: Thank you. Appreciate your help. Thirteen: You're gonna read too much into this, aren't you? House: No, not at all. Thirteen: We're gonna fundamentally disagree about what it means to read too much into this. Aren't we? House: Yes, absolutely. Thirteen: Look, I thought about what you said, and I realized you were right. House: Great. See you tomorrow morning. Thirteen: No, you won't. House: Afternoon? I can't think of another interpretation. Thirteen: Shut up. Look, I'm not sure what you were trying to achieve. I'm never quite sure. But you were actually a friend to me when I needed it. I don't wanna come back to work for you. But I was wrong to try to push you out of my life. House: (Looking at his computer screen) Everything has gone blue. That's not supposed to happen, right? Thirteen: Stay there. I'm comin'. House: No… you don't have to do that. Although, if you did come, maybe you could swing by the Hunan Palace and get some lo mein and a Szechuan beef. Thirteen: That is six miles out of my way. House: Oh, okay, then. Guess I'll get something from the hospital cafeteria, which is where I get all my meals since I can't go anywhere. Thirteen: [Sighs] Fine. I'll get the food. House: You're a peach. --Cut to: PPTH locker room-- Park is using her locker, when Adams comes in. Park: I started the last round of pleconaril. Adams: Can you do me a favor? Park: A favor? (Adams hands Park a box with a pair of heeled shoes in it) You want me to return these? Give them to someone? Wear them while you masturbate? Adams: [Scoffs] I… want you to have them. Park: That's not a favor. Adams: It was a two-for-one sale. I couldn't resist. I need to justify buying them. Park: They're $120. My car is in the shop. I'm short on cash this month. I can't pay you back. (Hands them to Adams) Adams: The first pair were $120. These… (Returning them back to Park) were free. Park: You do know I punched the last person that pissed me off? Adams: Was it Santa? (Walks out) --Cut to: PPTH lobby-- (House is signing out) Wilson: What's your patient's status? House: Better. We're discharging him. Wilson: [Sighs] Good. (Starts walking back to the clinic) House: Hey, hey, hey. Why do you care? Specifically. Although I'm curious about a general answer too. Wilson: Your guy just signed up to donate a kidney to my patient with renal failure. House: Did he meet your patient with renal failure? Wilson: No, he heard the nurses talking about her, that she was short on time. House: I was wrong. Wilson: Don't say that. House, she really needs this kidney. House: He's not better. His mental status is declining. Wilson: Or he's doing an amazing thing for another human being. House: I thought it was an ethical no-brainer that we can't take stuff from sick people. Wilson: I changed my mind. (House walks towards the clinic) --Cut to: PPTH corridor, walking to Benjamin’s room-- House: He's still sick. Wilson: His symptoms have gone away. House: Not all of them. Offering an organ to a stranger is a symptom. Wilson: A couple dozen people a year make undirected kidney donations. House: Yeah, how many of them are also in the process of pauperizing themselves? Wilson: If the guy threw himself on a grenade, he'd be a hero. If it saves a life, who cares? House: You do! Yesterday, when you made the exact opposite argument. If there's even a chance I'm right, it'd be dangerous to give his kidney to someone else. Wilson: More dangerous than complete renal failure? My patient needs this. Now. Foreman (Entering Benjamin’s room): Why do you wanna give away your kidney? Benjamin (Dressed up, ready to go): There are 70,000 people in this country on the active waiting list for a kidney, and less than 10,000 dad people a year to give them one. House: Yeah. If only we could kll 60,000 more people a year, all would be golden. Benjamin: I'll give you your money. House: See? Crazy. Foreman: Being a live donor has risks. Benjamin: I looked it up. The risk is 1 in 4,000 I could die during surgery, which means, if I don't donate, I'm valuing my life at 4,000 times someone else's. It's not like I want to be cut open and have a part of me taken out. But I've got two, and this woman has none. She'll die without it. Wilson: Perfectly logical. House: People with mental deficiency can be logical. Just like sane people can be illogical. Foreman: This kidney thing is the only evidence you have that he's sick. I'm gonna let him be a donor. (Wilson and Foreman walk out) Benjamin: Dr. House, it's not a symptom. Come back after you're convinced that I'm healthy, and I will give you your money. House: No, you won't. (Limps out to a bench where Park is sitting. She gets up and follows him) House: We have time for one more test before we move him. Park: What test? House: Whatever test will prove there was an echovirus-irus-irus, and he's not cured, obviously. Park: I've been saying all along this could be Whipple's. Causes arrhythmia, tremor, and mental changes. House: Bad idea. There's no joint pain. Where's Adams? Park: We thought the case was over. She has a job interview. --As they enter House’s office, Parks sees Thirteen sitting in a chair-- Park: Why is she here? House: 'Cause I called her. Bigger question is why that worked. Thirteen: I'm here because I have time and you have a crisis and I— House: We're too busy for rationalizations. Patient made a big downgrade in his personal life. He's probably not eating all that healthy. Park: Magnesium deficiency? House: Wait until they take him back to his room — draw blood, do an expanded electrolyte profile. Thirteen: No, he hasn't had anxiety or any trouble sleeping. I think it's Whipple's disease. Park: Bad idea. He doesn't have joint pain. Thirteen: Joint pain is common, but not definitive. Whipple's explains all of his symptoms, including the personality change. And it would respond to antibiotics, which is why he started to feel better. Which doesn't mean he's not still sick. House: (To Park) You were right. Counts for nothing if you can't defend it. Book a procedure room. Do an upper endoscopy and run a PCR test for Whipple's. (Park walks out) House: Guilt. You feel guilty about leaving. Thirteen: Yes, I think that little of you and that much of me. You're nothing without me. (she gets up) House: Not leaving me. Leaving humanity. Thirteen: I'm going with my girlfriend. The woman I love. House: To have fun. Thirteen: You're trying to make me feel guilty because you're saving lives here. And I think that's great. I'm proud to have been a part of it, but… now… I just wanna be happy. House: Oh… no one's unhappy in Greece. --Cut to: Clinic room-- House is looking at the hands of a little boy. His hands look infected, with rash all over them. Woman: It just appeared in the last few weeks. He's having trouble holding a pencil in school. House: Does it itch? Do anything different lately? You get a new baseball glove, a new kitten? Woman: Well, the neighbors put in a pool, so he's been spending a lot of time over there. But, well, if it was something in the water, it would be everywhere, wouldn't it? House: It is in the water. Woman: He's allergic to chlorine? House: No… [Inhales deeply] He's allergic to summer lilac. Woman: That's my lotion. And it's not in the pool. House: No, it's on the palms of his hands. In the pool is the neighbor's daughter. Or the neighbor's hot wife. Here's some lube. (Gives it to the kid) Sorry. Too late for your eyesight. --Cut to: Test room-- House walks in, where Park is doing some tests. Park: Endoscopy didn't reveal any lesions in the small intestine. I'm running PCR test now. (House shows her a little box wrapped as a gift) House: Found it in my office. Appears to be a gift. That can't be good. (Gives it to Park) Park: Damn it. House: You got her the job interview. Park: And that was supposed to be the end of it. I… don't take charity. House: Good for you! You loon. Park: I don't like owing people things. House: So either you're so insecure that you feel like you need to always have the upper hand, or you're so arrogant that the notion of a favor is insulting to you. Or it's your family, some kind of immigrant pride thing. I'm betting on the last one. Park: I just don't like it. It makes me feel… icky. House: That's the reason? Ickiness? You never even tried to analyze this? It's even crazier than the gift thing. Park: House… (looking at the computer screen) there's no sign of tropheryma DNA. It's not Whipple's. House: Well… we did what we could. --Cut to: Operating room-- Wilson: You sure you wanna do this? Benjamin. [Chuckles] Relax. This is gonna make me very happy. (They put him to sleep) [Heart monitor beeping] [Air hissing faintly] Surgeon: Go a little bit more along here. [Pulse increasing] Wilson: Dr. Simpson. Heart rate's 140, pressure's dropping. Get him adenosine, stat. Dr. Simpson: Patient's unstable. Surgery's off. [Alarm beeping] --Cut to: House’s office-- Adams: Arrhythmia's back. He's on Heparin and sab for now, but this could put him at risk for stroke or embolism. Park: Maybe he got bit by a spider. The symptoms can take up to three days to manifest. Adams: He'd have localized pain. Park: LCDD? Adams: Almost always hits the kidneys. Foreman enters. House: Ah, Dr. Foreman. Perhaps you can help us. I can't decide whether to take out an "I told you so" ad in the New England Journal or stay classy and just spray-paint it on your car. Foreman: You're off the case. House: That seems like an overreaction. Foreman: You dosed him. Couldn't stand to lose him as a patient, so you faked his symptom to prove you right. Park: That's idiotic. (Foreman gives her a look) Sorry. House: Don't apologize. I don't know if you're power crazed or paranoid, but I know she's right. Two lives are in the balance here. Foreman: House, I worked for you for seven years. I know how you operate. So when I see symptoms magically show up right when you need them— House: And I was your boss for seven years. And I know what a suspicious, micromanaging hard-ass you are. Why would I do this now? Knowing you can send me right back to jail? Foreman: What'd you give him? House: Nothing! You can't prove otherwise. So why don't you do the smart thing here? Foreman: You're off the case. You no longer have access to this patient. (Walks out) Adams: You can't let him do this. House: [Sighs] He's the boss. And he's right. --Cut to: PPTH lobby (from the second floor)-- House is eating some kind of candy. He looks down to the lobby, where the janitor is wiping the floor. House throws one candy to the floor, where the janitor is wiping. The janitor looks around, but doesn’t see who threw it. Adams comes where House is standing. [Object bounces on floor] Adams: I assume you dosed the patient because you're really certain he has a neurological condition? House: I assume you're interpreting my actions in the best possible light 'cause you didn't get the job? [Paper crumpling] What's with you and Park? Adams: Nothing. House: I expect my people to lie better than that. Either you're getting her gifts because you want her to like you, in which case I don't like you, or you're getting her gifts to screw with her. In which case, I will be teaching you my secret homey handshake. Adams: I just… I thought it was interesting she couldn't accept that coffee. I wanted to see how deep it went. House: But now? Adams: Oh, now I just want to win. House: [Chuckles softly] What was in the box? Adams: Gift certificate. The Spa. House: Nah, that's not gonna do it. You're up against a lifetime of training. If you wanna win, you gotta do something she can't possibly reciprocate. You gotta push her neuroses to the point where even she thinks that she's crazy. (House takes out his cell phone) House: One more favor. Then I promise, I'll leave you alone forever. Or I'm lying. Either way, it's more interesting than whatever you're doing now. --Cut to: Benjamin’s room-- Benjamin is sleeping. Outside his room, a woman is looking at him. Thirteen, who was going to Benjamin’s room, sees her and talks to her. Thirteen: Can I help you? Woman: I'm his wife. We're separated. I heard he was sick. I just… wanted to see him. He's giving a kidney to someone he's never met? Thirteen: He wants to, yeah. I know he's talked about you. He's been alone all this time. I'm sure it would mean a lot to him to see you. Woman: I wanted to spend my life with him, but… I need to feel like he loves me more than other people. Like he loves our kids more. Maybe that's selfish… I should go. (She leaves, and Thirteen walks into Benjamin’s room) Benjamin: Was that my wife? Thirteen: I don't know. You the guy, the kidney donor? Benjamin: There was a problem, but… I'm gonna try again. Thirteen: Um… to give it to the same lady? Benjamin: She needs it. Thirteen: Okay. Never mind. Benjamin: Wait. What do you — what do you want? Thirteen: Uh, it's nothing. It's just… I have polycystic kidney disease. And I need a transplant, and they say I don't have much time, so when I heard that you were willing, I just… But I'm glad it's going to someone. Benjamin: (Grabs Thirteen by the arm, just when she was going to leave) I'll give it to you. Thirteen: But you already promised it to someone else. Benjamin: I have another one. Saving one life is good. Saving two is better. Thirteen: You give away two kidneys, and you die. Benjamin: I could live on dialysis for years. Thirteen: Yes, and — and then you die. Benjamin: And then I could donate my other organs. Heart, lungs. I could save four or five more lives. Thirteen leaves the room, looking creeped out. She takes her cell phone, and calls House. Thirteen: Foreman's gonna need a diagnostician. This guy is crazy. --Cut to: House’s office-- Adams: Arrhythmia, muscle tremors, and, yes, mental changes. If his heart doesn't rupture, he's liable to rip it out and give it away. [Electrical buzzing, coming from the Orthopedics department] House: You know, the "down" vibe in here is totally ruining my Charlie's Angels fantasy. [Buzzing continues] (To Park) And that haircut isn't helping, either. Thirteen: It seems like Graves disease or some other thyroid issue. Park: Is she on the team now? Like, forever?… His thyroid levels were within normal range when he was admitted. Adams: Could be Coxsackie B virus. House: Or pericarditis. Thirteen: What about porphyria? It's a little weird without the rash, but it fits all of his other symptoms. Adams: And if it is acute intermittent porphyria, that would explain why his symptoms keep recurring. House: It's unlikely… but it's possible. What else? (Nobody says a thing) I said what else? [Whirring] House: Oh, for… [Muttering] House, tired of all the annoying buzzing, goes into Orthopedics and unplugs the electric razor. [Whirring cuts off] He gets back to his office, a little bit relieved. House: There. That's better. Now, what else? (Thirteen, Adams, and Park are all out of ideas.) Well, if there's nothing better than possible, then possible gets upgraded to probable. Adams: I'll start him on hematin. Thirteen: No, I'll go. (She gets up and leaves the office. House follows her to the hall) House: So what's the answer? Are you now on the team? [Mocking Park] Like, forever? Thirteen: I don't know. House: 'Cause I was thinking of ordering T-shirts. (Thirteen calls the elevator) Thirteen (a little bit annoyed): I don't know… House. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I trained to be a Doctor. I know how to take someone's pain away, how to make a stopped heart b*at again. We've brought people's kids back. Their husbands… House: So… guilt? Thirteen: Yes, you were right. You're always right. I just… I have the skills to help people. Is it okay for me to walk away from that because I… want to just have fun? House: Obviously not. [Bell dings, Thirteen enters the elevator] --Cut to: Wilson’s office-- House opens the door. House: How's your patient? Wilson: She died a few hours ago. House (shuts the door and sits on the couch): Thirteen is back. Wilson: No department. No money. And somehow, you managed to con her into hanging around. House: I have a gift. (Suddenly, it hits him. He gets one of his million-yard stares, those where he figures what’s the deal with his patient, typical when he’s with Wilson) Wilson: What? House: It was a con. Wilson: The patient was faking? House: No, I was. I brought him in here under false pretenses. Just to get his money. I ordered a bunch of random tests to keep him here. One of them was a head CT, which uses… iodine contrast. Wilson: You think he's allergic to Iodine? House: No, again. Just don't interrupt me. Thirteen was right. This is a thyroid issue. He has Plummer's disease. (He gets up) He has a nodule in his thyroid. It produces excess hormone. Not enough to test abnormal, just more than his brain is used to. Just enough to make him irrationally generous, make him vulnerable to overheating. Wilson: Then you pumped his body full of Iodine and kicked him into thyrotoxicosis. House: I said don't interrupt. But, yes, you're right. Take out the nodule, he'll be fine. --Cut to: Benjamin’s room-- Benjamin is in his bed, with a gauze in his neck. House is sitting beside him, reading a ‘Guitar’ magazine. Benjamin wakes up. House: Two days, one surgery. I now accept that you’re all better. Where's my money? Benjamin: You made me sick. House: You were already sick. I just made you much, much worse. Seriously… the money. You're not giving it to me, are you? Benjamin: When you're facing death… some things come into focus. My wife… House: You love your family. You want them back. Your altruism was always a symptom. Benjamin: No, it wasn't. I'm still gonna— House: Keep less? How much less? Just enough to spoil your kids? Benjamin: No. House: But they need it more than people with TB or children in Indonesia with no eyes? Diagnosticians with hearts of gold? Benjamin: I don't wanna give you money because you're an ass. House: I was an ass last week. Benjamin: I love my family. I want to be with them. That doesn't make me a bad person. House: No. It makes you a healthy person. (Walks out) --Cut to: PPTH locker room-- Park: My mechanic called. He said the work's been paid for. Adams: You mentioned your car was in the shop. Park: That's $4,500. Adams: Smile and say thank you. Or I get you G.P.S. Park: You win. (Gives Adams a fake smile) Thank you. --Cut to: House’s office-- Park enters. House is preparing to leave. Park: Your car is getting fixed. You're right. She went for it. House: Good work. Need a lift tomorrow? 'Cause your car is still in the shop. Park: I don't take charity. I'm just glad it's over. House: Nothing is ever over. (Park leaves) --Cut to: PPTH lobby-- Thirteen meets her girlfriend in the lobby, and kisses her. Just when they are about to leave, House calls her. House: Thirteen. Wait a minute. (Thirteen walks towards House) You're fired. Thirteen: Now what? House, I'm starving. House: I'm not joking. You're fired. Don't come in tomorrow. Thirteen: House… House: I can work with people who've got nowhere else to go. People who got something to prove. People who just get off on weird cases. What I can't work with is someone who's here so she doesn't have to feel bad. Thirteen: You're trying to save me. House: Yes… I think that little of you and that much of me. Thirteen: Okay… Bye, House.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x03 - Charity Case"}	foreverdreaming
[A car stops in his driveway. Ainsley, Barton’s daughter, walks towards him, surveying the damage.] Ainsley: Are you at least gonna call the cops this time? Barton (amused): No, then they might stop. Just when they're beginning to, uh… [He pulls down the scarecrow, which has hand-drawn dollar signs for eyes] capture my eyes. Ainsley: Come on, Dad. Let Rodrigo do this. Your arthritis is obviously— Barton: I can pick up my own lawn. [He puts the figure in the garbage bag.] Ainsley: You know, if you wanted, you could put an end to all this. Barton [while cleaning up]: Oh, of course. There are other ways to save the company. I'm only moving it to China because I'm craving egg foo yung. Ainsley: You know, I just got off the phone with some investors. Barton: Yes, and they want a controlling interest. Ainsley: We get to stay here with the people who've been so loyal to this company. Everyone keeps their jobs. Barton: It's been a family business for 120 years. There's no way that I'm letting… [He suddenly stops, squinting and looking disoriented.] ♪♫ Blackbird has spoken ♪♫ like the first bird Ainsley: What's wrong? ♪♫ Praise for the singing [Barton stares at his left hand right in front of his face, but his depth perception is so disoriented it looks tiny and yards away, while Ainsley appears even further back.] ♪♫ praise for the morning Ainsley: Dad? ♪♫ Praise for them springing Ainsley: Dad. ♪♫ Fresh from the word Barton: I need you to drive me to a doctor. [OPENING CREDITS. Instead of the usual opening credits, there is just a very brief showing of the title] [Cut to House’s office. He is looking at his laptop screen through a pair of binoculars. Dr Park is sitting in front of him.] House: This would totally suck. Park: Patient's visited China a lot recently. What about the JBE virus? House [Still looking at his laptop screen]: Why don't you check his vaccination record before you make another stupid… O.M.F.G. 50% off cupcakes. How sick is the patient? 'Cause this expires today. Park: Central serous retinopathy. [She gets up and closes House’s laptop.] It's linked to type "A" personalities. House: Funduscopic exam was normal. If you don't let me read my email, then I won't be able to read the email to the entire staff. From your ex-boss. [She opens the laptop back up.] Thank you. [reading the email] "Last month, I had an incident involving another P.P.T.H. employee. Though I can't speak to the details of the case while my disciplinary hearing is pending, I want you to know that I have completed voluntary sexual harassment training. And on a personal note, if my actions caused anyone distress, I sincerely apologize." You are so fired. Park: What? He apologized. House: What? Because he said he apologized? He's saying he's sorry that someone, namely you, overreacted — namely, by punching him. Park: He grabbed my behind. House: Word is it was a celebratory slap after you completed your first-ever AVM embolization. Park: He grabbed it, he apologized for grabbing it, and now he's taking classes because he grabbed it. House: The classes make him sympathetic. Which, in turn, makes his unrepentant attacker… Evil. Which, in turn, in turn, makes you so fired. Park: 100 bucks says I won't get fired. House: Oh, you don't wanna bet me. [Park stands up and sticks out her hand to seal the bet.] House: Oh, my. [House takes her hand and shakes it.] House: You're fired. Park: I… The bet is— House: But I thought— Park: After… Then I… Oh— House: If only— Park: The bet's that I'll get fired after my hearing! House: I'll take that action too, but you're already a C-note in the hole. [Dr Adams walks in the office. She is wearing a formal black business suit.] House: You're late. Adams: Considering I don't work here, arguably, I'm early. House: Pearl earrings? Knee-length dress. That's not a very shameful walk of shame. Adams: I was at a job interview. House: I hope it went terribly. [She grabs a file and sits down beside Park.] Adams: Thad Barton? We only help rich white guys? House: I am an equal opportunity exploiter. I only help those who can help myself. [Buzzing sound in the background. A cast is being sawed off in the Orthopedics room, House’s former Diagnostics room.] I have a department to re-fund. Adams: Atropine poisoning. He's moving his company to China, and his employees are hanging him in effigy. Could have moved on to the real thing. House: Pupils are normal. Park: Thyrotoxicosis? House: Not… a terrible idea. I'm gonna go give him P.T.U. and T.L.C. I have no idea what that second one stands for. [House stands up and walks out of his office.] [Cut to the patient’s room. Barton is lying in bed, his daughter is standing on one side and House on the other.] Barton: Things don't seem small anymore, they—[House is handing him the PTU pills and a glass of water.] I woke up from a nap and, uh, everything went from really small to really huge. House: Well, then, these giant balls of medicine are not gonna work anymore. The change actually makes things simpler. Your occipital lobe is acting up, giving you a migraine. Barton: I don't have a headache. House [getting rid of the pills]: Not all migraines present that way. It's called Alice in Wonderland syndrome. Ainsley: Seriously? House: I never joke. Good news is, it's treatable with medication. Bad news is… it can make you very, very late for very important dates. I sometimes joke. Barton: Thank you, Doctor. House [Grabbing his pad to write the prescription]: Well, if you really want to thank me, my department's not really a department. 'Cause my boss says he doesn't have the money. Which provides a nice contrast… with you. Ainsley: trying to find money in our budget so we don't have to move our operations overseas. House: I get it. Answer's no. Shouldn't have said anything. I'm just glad that the symptoms showed up before you left for China. [He hands Barton the prescription.] 'Cause I'm not sure the doctors over there would be so optimistic, considering… [Speaking Mandarin] How they look down on mental illness. Barton [Surprised. Speaking Mandarin.]: You speak Mandarin? Ainsley: What are you guys talking about? House: Oh, just how different the two cultures are. For example, our opinions on mental illness. Here, it's considered a normal and treatable condition. [Speaking Mandarin] There, it’s taboo enough to destroy a high profile business deal. Ainsley: Is everything okay? Barton: Everything's fine. House [Speaking Mandarin]: I’d never breach confidentiality, but… I could have you checked into a facility that exclusively treats mental disorders. How does that sound? Ainsley: Whatever's gonna get him better. Barton: Let's try the medication first. [Speaking Mandarin] How much do you want? [House smiles.] [Cut to the cafeteria, House enters and walks to the table where Park and Adams are having lunch.] House: You're hired! Oh, you guys are gonna love Doctors Chase and Taub. [He grabs a chair and sits with them.] Keep your nzi sentiments quiet around the little one. Park: You got the money? How? House: Patient's a smart businessman. Adams: He's destroying thousands of jobs. House: Jobs are not being destroyed. They're being relocated. The fact that you see that as inherently bad means you're an irrational patriot. To put it another way, a patriot. Park: Patriotism is natural. We've always relied on our tribes to keep us safe. It's helpful for society if its members have positive feelings about that society. House: Iranian women. Drag Queens in Uganda. Patriotism is nothing but loyalty to real estate, real estate that's been conquered 800 times by 800 different regimes with 800 different cultures. But each time, it's just the best. [House leans in and grabs the burger in Adams’s plate.] I claim this burger in the name of Queen Isabella of Spain. Adams: I'll go check on the patient. [She gets up and whispers in House’s ear as he is about to bite into the burger.] I have Hepatitis C. [House puts it down and grabs the burger in Park’s plate.] Park [Leaving as well]: She got it from me. [Cut to the hallway outside Barton’s room. Adams is reading his medical file, Ainsley approaches her.] Ainsley: Hey, how's my dad doing? Adams: Ah, great. His vision's back to normal, and if he remains asymptomatic through the night, we'll be able to release him in the morning. Aisnley [Texting on her phone] : Any chance that could happen before 9:00? [Adams is surprised.] Our stock dropped a couple points today with the news that he's sick. I would love for him to get out of here before the market opens. Adams: No offense, but, uh, I think it's terrible your dad's closing down all your American operations. Ainsley: I don't think he's moving the company out of greed. He's moving it out of grief. My mom, she died four months ago. Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, and… It's been hard for him — living in their house, driving down the same streets. I mean, he's constantly reminded of her. [Suddenly alarms are beeping in Barton’s room. Both women enter it. Barton is sitting up in his bed, coughing up blood.] Ainsley: Dad? Adams: I need an intubation kit in here! Ainsley: What's going on? [Cut to Foreman’s office. House, Adams and Park are in a small sitting area, specifically where Cuddy’s desk used to be. They are reviewing the case.] Adams: Angiography showed a hemorrhagic site in the left lower lobe. Park: I think it could be hyperviscosity syndrome. Are you sure Foreman's okay with this thing in his office? House: He's never gonna know. He's actually in here right now. Adams: Blood count and protein count are normal. House: I think it could be hyperviscosity syndrome. Sorry, but after Park sent out here hospital-wide non-apology apology this morning, I assume that plagiarism is the new black. Park: If it makes Andrews look sympathetic… House: Copying him makes you look pathetic. And I will pay you not to go to anger management classes. Park: What about another clotting problem? Factor 5 Leiden deficiency. House: It's possible. Adams is the one who needs to deal with her anger. Adams: Myelodysplastic syndrome. House: I heard about your conversation with the patient's daughter. You were hostile. Adams: Well, their company's making a decision I strongly disagree with. House: Yet you were never anything but courteous to the rcist and rapists in prison. Those guys made decisions you supported? Adams: Myelodysplastic syndrome. House: I'm guessing it has something to do with the funeral you attended yesterday morning. Adams: I was at a job interview. House: You got to work at 9:15. Closest hospital with an opening in your specialty is 45 minutes away. It's not possible. My condolences. Adams: I wasn't at a funeral. House: That just leaves… everywhere but a job interview. Foreman [Standing at the door. He is holding his coat in one hand and his bag in the other.] Get out. House: Who goes there? Reveal yourself! Foreman: Now. [He enters and walks toward his desk.] House: Well, we would. But Orthopedics is still squatting in two thirds of my office, which is weird, 'cause you got a large check last night. [He points at the desk.] [Foreman grabs the check and takes a look at it.] Foreman: From a corporation that's going through a very public belt-tightening. Means this donation was given under duress. Patient didn't tell me the whole story, but he did say he'd be thrilled if we didn't cash this. [He rips up the check.] Got a policy review meeting in here in five minutes. Good-bye. [They all get up and as they leave House stops beside Foreman.] Foreman: What are you doing? House: Holding your ass. You really didn't know? [The camera angle now lets us see House’s hand grabbing Foreman’s rear end.] Park: House… House: Just trying to help you out here. I figure for sure he'd punch me in the face, thus proving it's a natural response. My God, you have super-human discipline. And glutes. Foreman: Get your hands off me. [House let go and leaves the office. He winks at Foreman on his way out.] Park: Sorry. Foreman: Go. [In the main lobby, the three doctors are walking to the elevators.] Park: Why… did you do that? House: We have a bet. Park: But he's the chair of the disciplinary committee. Forget about the bet. House: You two really need to do your homework with me. Treat the patient with activated protein c. Adams: If he has myelodysplastic syndrome, he'll bleed out. Park: And if he has Factor 5 Leiden deficiency, he'll throw another clot. House: Exactly. It's a conclusive test. There's no actual risk. [The elevator doors open and House enters.] As long as you're both paying attention, and are both good enough to work here. [The doors close.] [Cut to Barton’s room. Both Park and Adams are standing by the patient’s bed.] Barton: I hear one of you thinks I'm a real bastard. Adams: I guess that would be me. Barton: Your boss uses blackmail, and you question my professional ethics? Adams: Will you be instituting worker safety regulations in your new factories? Barton: Oh, absolutely. Adams: What about juice boxes in the break room for the children you'll be hiring? Barton: Charges of child exploitation against American companies have been blown way out of proportion. Park: My ten-year-old cousin lives near Cebu City. Works at an American factory. Adams: I am so sorry. Park: It's the best thing for him. It sucks, but the Filipino factories suck worse, and the schools would suck if they existed. So this is the family's best hope. [Barton is scratching his neck.] Are you okay? Barton: Is this supposed to itch like this? [Cut to House’s office. Sawing sounds can be heard from the Orthopedics room. House is sitting at his desk. He is blasting a mini-strobe light at one of the doctors next door. Park and Adams come in.] House: Itching. Interesting. Adams: Not interesting. Already went away. House: Doubly interesting. Means we have to explain the arrival and the departure. [The orthopedic doctor stops what he is doing and walks in House’s office.] Ortho doctor: That's real mature, House. House [still pointing the light at him.]: What do you mean? This is outlandishly childish. I custom-built this puppy. It's got 106 leds, each one sending light to your eyes, slightly different wavelength. Ortho doctor: Turn that off. House: Different wavelengths are stimulating your autonomic nervous system. That's what's making you feel like you're on a boat in choppy waters. [The Ortho doctor becomes nauseated, runs back into the Orthopedics room, grabs the garbage can and throws up.] House: Oh ho ho! Cool. Ortho doc: You think I'm not — you think I'm not gonna go to Foreman with this? House [Turns off the light]: Oh, you will. And… I'll deny it, and he'll believe you. But then these two believe that the policy of protecting American jobs starts at home. So they'll never testify against me. And you won't be able to prove anything. [The Ortho doctor gives up and leaves House’s office.] House: Now, if I punched him in the face, that he could prove. Adams: I remember you saying something about how loyalty to real estate was stupid. House: This is about reclaiming stolen property! Loyalty to real estate is stupid, because loyalty is stupid. Park: First patriotism, now loyalty. You hate ice cream too? House: French vanilla, yeah. To willfully identify yourself as something else is a perversion of self-expression. Adams: I had a thought. Other than the fact that loyalty is the basis of all meaningful relationships. The daughter said that her mother died of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. What if she was misdiagnosed? House: Dutch chocolate's not bad. Gotta give 'em that. Adams: Her lymphoma could have been caused by a virus, HTLV-1, which our patient contracted through having sex with his wife. House: In other words, loyalty gave him cancer. I like it. Start him on radiation. [He leaves his office.] [Cut to a clinic room. House is treating a young Asian man with a black eye who has a mannequin attached to him as part of his Halloween costume. House is stitching up his lacerations.] Asian man: Chang and Eng Bunker. It's the most famous conjoined twins in history. 2011 is the bicentennial of their birth. House: The best Halloween costumes are always the ones that need an explanation. [Park comes in.] What took you so long? I already lost one of them. Park: You need help with the lacerations? House: No, I think I got palliative. Why don't you take preventative? Park: Prevent what? He got in a fight. House: Which he started. Which means he's both irascible and stupid. Asian man: I told the drunk, rcist frat guy the proper term is "conjoined twin," not "Siamese." House: I can't comment on the drunk or the frat. But Chang and Eng were both, in fact, born in Siam. And they were, in fact, twins. If your name was Richard, it would be okay for me to call you a Dick. But maybe some of the tripe you learn in anger management class might help keep this guy out of here the next time. Park: Sometimes, it's incredibly satisfying to wind up and punch someone who really deserves it. But when you think about the consequences— House: Okay, let's go. Park: I thought you wanted me to help him with his anger. House: No, I got everything I need. [House takes a little recorder form his pocket and plays it.] Park [on recorder]: Sometimes… House: Sometimes… [With playback] It's incredibly satisfying to wind up and punch someone who deserves it. Wonder what the committee's gonna make of that. [Cut to the radiation room. Barton is lying under the machine while Adams is in the control booth. They communicate with the microphones. Barton’s face appears on one of the screens in front of the young doctor.] Barton: This is a waste of time. There's no way that Robin gave me an STD. Adams: I know this is hard, and I'm sorry about your wife. If you'd like to talk to someone, we do have grief counselors at the hospital. Barton: You sound like my daughter. I miss my wife, but it's not driving my decision-making. Adams: You were CEO since 1988. You decided to move your company right after your wife died. It stands to reason that your emotions factored in. Barton: My wife… is the only thing that keeps me here. I visit her grave once a week. Adams: So your daughter was wrong. You just… really need a lot of money. Barton: You ever hear of Kongo Gumi? Construction company in Japan founded in the year 578. Family-owned and operated. Building Buddhist temples for 50 generations. Wen—went bankrupt five years ago. You have any idea how that last CEO must have felt? Sorry, I… have to move. [Adams gets up and walks to Barton. He seems to be uncomfortable breathing.] Adams: Your heart rate is speeding up. Do you feel any tightness in your chest? Barton: Yes, I figured it was from the radiation. Adams: I think you're having a heart attck. [She puts a mask over his mouth to help him breathe.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. He is working at his desk. There’s a knock on the door.] Wilson: Come in. [Dr Park enters.] Park: Dr. Wilson… I need your advice. Um… I bet House $100 that I wouldn't get fired after my disciplinary hearing. [She sits down in front of him.] Ever since then, he's been acting like he's actually trying to get me fired. Wilson: That's because he is actually trying to get you fired. Park: Does he hate me? Wilson: Not sure that's relevant to the equation. Park: So it's really over $100? Wilson: Not sure the amount is relevant. He's fighting for his honor. Park: He'll ruin my career. Wilson: Not sure that's- Park: What if I bet him $200 I will get fired. Wilson: He sees competing debts with the same person as a disgrace to the game. He'll be even more motivated to bat you. Park: If you were me, what would you do? Wilson: You have to give him something he values more than honor. And you should update your resume. [Cut to a hospital hallway the next day. Adams is walking with House. It looks like he just arrived, he is wearing his coat and has his backpack on his shoulder.] Adams: EKG and troponins were equivocal. It's not even clear if our patient just had a heart attck or what it was. House: Let's look at segmental wall motion abnormalities. Get him an echo to confirm. I need $200,000. [Adams looks shocked and amused.] His company's lost one third of its value since he was admitted. Adams: And you want to do some insider trading? I take it felonies aren't a violation of your parole? House: It's not insider trading. Just betting on myself to solve the case. Once we cure him, share price goes up, I pay you back. Adams: No. House: No, you don't say "no." You… make a counter offer. Adams: I'm not loaning my boss money. House: Fine. I'll make you a counter. $100,000. $20,000. I'll buy options instead of shares. More risk, but more upside. But that's as low as I'm gonna go. Adams: I could do $5,000. House: Really? No backsies. Adams: If… you double your clinic hours. Six a week. I've seen how you disrespect those patients. House: So you want twice as many of them disrespected? Adams: Spend more hours with them, you'll treat them more humanely. House: And this time, a land wr in Russia will be a good idea. Adams: Deal? House: Here's what I'm thinking. You went to a parole hearing, where one of your old patients was denied. Hence the attire, hence the tardiness. And, most important, hence the anger. You think you can restore the cosmic balance by doing extra good here. More annoyingly, by having me do it. [Adams walks away.] And deal! [House enters his office while typing on his phone. He is quite shocked by the view. Everything on and near his desk, including his char, is wrapped in plaster cast. House goes to the Ortho doctor who is once again busy sawing off a patient’s cast.] House: Of course, you know… this means wr. [Buzzing stops] Ortho doctor: Oh, I know. I mean, you'll escalate, and then I'll retaliate, and the cycle will continue until we've both gone too far, at which point, I'll… maybe get suspended and… you'll go back to prison. [smiling] Happy pranking. [Cut to House’s office, at night.] Adams: Patient had V-tach in the echo lab, so we capped him, but… coronary arteries were clean. Park: If the plumbing's fine, check the electrical. EP study. House: Nice idea. Even has a metaphor in it. Not worth more than my honor. But delightful, all the same. Park: I'm not going to lose. My college roommate is the editor of the Yale Law Review. She's writing my opening statement. House: You will be eloquent in your loss. This case boils down to he said, she said. He said, "I've been working at this hospital for 15 years and I'm taking self-improvement classes." She said, "I've been a fellow for two months, and I'm kind of weird." Park: No, he said, "I'm a drunk idiot who thinks he can grab girls' behinds without ramifications." Adams: Wait, he was drunk? In the hospital? Park: I already told Foreman he'd been drinking that night. House: Andrews was taking sexual harassment classes, not AA. That means he didn't get in trouble for drinking. Which means that Foreman signed off on it, which means that he set all the wheels in motion. Forget that. Wild speculation. Go do the EP study. [Both women leave House alone in his office.] [Cut to Foreman’s office. Park is standing in front of him.] Park: You already knew Andrews was drinking that night, didn't you? Foreman: Yes. Park: I think you should cancel my hearing. Foreman: I hope this isn't going where I assume it's going. Park: You're the one who brought Andrews in. You set the wheels in motion. Foreman: We had a patient who was going to die without an AVM embolization. Andrews… was the only neurologist I could reach. He told me had a few glasses of wine, and that he shouldn't do it, but he also said that you were good. You were ready to do one, as long as you were supervised. So we agreed that he would come in, but wouldn't touch the patient. Park: I can understand the rationalization. We'll see if the Board agrees when I tell them the whole story at my hearing Foreman [sighs]: I already did. I had a closed session hearing last week. The Board decided to dock me two weeks pay. Park: Oh. Foreman: Been working for House for two weeks. It's already too long. [Cut to a hospital room where Adams is performing the EP study on Barton. Park comes in.] Adams: No sign of any electrical abnormalities in the right atrium. Park: I'm so dad. I-I think House set me up. Have you sent the committee a character reference for me? Adams: I thought you don't like favors. Park: I don't like gifts. It wouldn't be a gift. I would just be you telling the truth. Adams: I hardly know you. [The monitor suddenly beeps.] Adams: O2 sat is 89. Did we perforate? Is he tamponading? Park: Heart rate's only 90. Neck veins are flat. Adams: Then why isn't he saturated? [Park puts an oxygen mask on Barton.] [Cut to the hallway by Barton’s room. House stops in front of the candy machine.] House: Seems healthy to me. Let's release him. My option to sell Barton Foods at $34 is about to expire. So they thought the patient would be better by now. Instead, I am going to lose $20,000. Adams: 20? House: Your five plus the five I stole from Wilson. Plus the ten I got on margin. You're gonna have to talk to my bankruptcy attorney. [He grabs the chocolate bar he paid for.] Unless… There is a way that you can get your money back. [They all star walking.] Give me the full $200,000. Adams: And extrapolating, tomorrow you'll owe just shy of $1 million. House: It's your own fault. You forced me to go with the options here. Your damn anger issues are screwing with my finances. Regular stock this time, nice and safe. Adams: I'm not angry. I don't know if you're trying to make me angry. House: You refuse to bet on yourself. That means low self-esteem. Adams: So if I give you $200,000, I'll feel smart and pretty. House: Low self-esteem can be brought on by exposure to one's relatives. Nice clothes and anger… Classic symptoms. Family gathering. You were late the other day 'cause you were having breakfast with Grammy Adams or Cousin Itt. And she was nagging you about finding a husband. Adams (annoyed): All right, this is getting annoying. I'll just tell you what I was— House: Ah, ah, ah, ah! [He stops her with his cane.] No spoilers. They ruin everything. Park [pointing behind her]: Pulmonology was that way. House: Our patient's lung problem is not a lung problem. It's a brain problem. We're consulting with Neurology. [House stops in front of the office door of Dr Mark Andrews.] Park: That's my old boss. You don't actually think this is neurological. House: I don't know what it is. Maybe I should just accept the patient's death, if getting help can lead to awkwardness. [He enters without knocking. Andrews is working at his desk.] House: Dr. Andrews. My associates. Doctors Adams and Park. [park seems very uncomfortable.] [Andrews gets up and comes closer to them. He seems startled to see Park but quickly regains his composure.] Andrews: Ah. Nice to meet you, Dr. Adams. Hello, Dr. Park. House (innocently): You two know each other? It's a small world. Dr. Park, maybe you'll like to update our esteemed colleague on the condition of our patient. Park: Micropsia, bleeding, tachycardia, and difficulty breathing. House [Opening the candy wrap and leaning over to Andrews]: Cute butt, huh? Adams: Can we go now? House: You really wanna turn your back on this guy? Sorry. Carry on. Andrews: Uh… well… It sounds like there could be spinal cord involvement. Have you considered normal pressure hydrocephalus? House: Okay, normal pressure hydrocephalus going once. Normal pressure hydrocephalus going twice… Park: It's not his spinal cord, it's the wiring between his heart and his brain. Autonomic dysregulation syndrome. You do a tilt table test, see how his heart rate responds. That'll confirm. Andrews: Well, if he has normal pressure hydrocephalus, a tilt table test could put him in a coma. Park: Then it's a good thing he has A.D.S. House: Do you really believe in this diagnosis? Because if this is just a pissing contest, you are at a severe anatomical disadvantage. Park: It's autonomic dysregulation syndrome. House: No… it's normal pressure hydrocephalus. Do a spinal fluid test to confirm. [Cut to the hallway. Adams and Park are walking.] Park: We're doing the tilt table. Adams: That makes sense. You'd rather have House fre you than Foreman? Park: This bet's got to be a test. See if I can handle working with him. I need to prove I have the confidence to disobey him. Adams: Do you have any medical justification for your diagnosis? Park: The symptoms fit, and Andrews is a hack. Do you think I'm right? [Adams nods.] Let's go. Adams: No… you need to go prepare for your hearing. [Cut to the control booth where Adams is administering the tilt table test.] Adams: 15 more minutes, Mr. Barton. [Foreman comes in.] Foreman: A skin resurfacing laser is missing. Adams: And why are you asking me about it? Foreman: Because you work for House. Adams: What would House want with a skin resurfacing laser? Foreman: I have no idea. Have you seen it? Barton: My feet feel hot. Adams: That's completely normal. No, but House has been talking about how badly he wants to remove those prison tats. Foreman: It's a very expensive machine, and I'd like it back. Please tell me if you hear anything. Adams: How expensive? Foreman: $200,000. He took it. Adams: I have no idea. Foreman: Park's hearing's about to start. Adams: You're covering for him. I did the same thing many times. My advice to you — figure out what line you aren't willing to cross for him. Because, eventually, he'll ask you to cross it. [Foreman leaves the booth.] Adams: How are your feet? [The patient doesn’t answer.] Mr. Barton? Can you hear me, Mr. Barton? [She checks his pulse.] Oh, no. [Cut to a conference room. Dr Park is sitting in front of a panel of five doctors. Foreman is presiding.] Foreman: We have convened the disciplinary committee to decide the appropriate action that should be taken against Dr. Chi Park as a result of her actions on October 7th of this year. Dr. Park, do you have an opening statement. Park: Dr. Foreman, members of the committee, thank you for giving me this opportunity to speak to you today, I… [Suddenly, House bursts into the room.] House (looking furious): Good news. You can cancel the hearing. 'Cause I'm fring her myself. Foreman: She's not yours to fre. House: You guys better fre her for insubordination, 'cause she went rogue, and my patient is now in a coma. Adams: I'm the one who did the test. Park: No, it was my idea! [Foreman stands up and walks to House.] Foreman: Seriously, House? [Two policemen enter the room and grab House to take him away.] House: At least I'm smart enough to know what I don't know. She went out of her way to defy me! She needs—[Screaming, out of sight] Damn it, you should just fre her! Foreman: My apologies. [He sits down.] My apologies, Dr. Park. Dr. House's comments will, of course, have no bearing on this hearing. Please continue. Park (troubled): I, uh… [Cut to hospital hallway] Adams: I can't believe you did that. House: Right back at ya. Our patient's dying. We need theories. Adams: It's gotta be normal pressure hydrocephalus. Andrews predicted the coma. House: Yeah, but even a broken doctor's right twice a day. Patient wasn't wet, wobbly, or wacky. Coma had to be a lucky guess. Adams: If you didn't think he was right, then why did you want us to collect his spinal fluid? House: I didn't. I wanted you to do a tilt table test. Adams: You have a wonderful way of communicating. House: I knew Park wanted to do a tilt table. She listens to me, I waste an hour. If she defies me… Then I get the test I want and my 100 bucks. [Holding his hand up] Up high. Adams (pissed): You're an ass. House: You're angry. Adams: Yes! Now I'm angry. Let's run the test for normal pressure hydrocephalus. House: No. What else would explain our symptoms and make our patient go into a coma during that test? How 'bout hepatic encephalopathy? Adams: No, we already tested his liver enzymes. They're normal. House: Or his liver's so far gone it can't even produce enzymes. Adams: That's desperate. Fits the symptoms. And Andrews is a hack. Go biopsy to confirm. Unless you want your own hearing. Adams: You'd have to hire me first. [Cut to the hearing.] Foreman: So you do realize that it is unacceptable to ht someone in the workplace? Park (uncomfortable): Yes, completely unacceptable. I wasn't thinking. I guess, I mean — yes, technically, I was thinking. I just… It happened so fast, I did, I… I… It's like… It's like it wasn't even me. I would never do something like that. Even though I did. I'm sorry, I'm not making any sense right now. I, um… I don't know, I… just really love being a doctor so much. And I barely even have $100 and… Please don't fre me? [They all stare at her.} [Cut to Barton’s room. Adams is performing the biopsy. Ainsley is sitting on the other side of the bed, holding her dad’s hand.] Ainsley: Is this theory more promising than the others? Adams: We'll know in a few hours. How are you holding up? Ainsley: Other than the fact that my dad's in a coma… Terrible. Tomorrow morning, I am supposed to sign a piece of paper that will… move the company and cost thousands of employees their jobs. Adams: I thought you'd rather see the company go under in New Jersey than thrive in China. Ainsley: It's what my dad wants. And it's still his company. I'm really just keeping the seat warm. But unless he wakes up before tomorrow, it's gonna be my signature on that piece of paper. Adams: You don't have to sign it. I'll let you know when we have the results. [Cut to House’s office. He is pacing the floor, and playing with the big red and grey ball with his cane. Adams comes in with the results.] Adams: Biopsy was clean. It's not his liver. I also ran the spinal fluid test, and you were right that Andrews was wrong. His ICP was not normal. It was elevated. What about HTLV? House: We ruled that out three days ago. Adams: Because of his heart problems, but— House: Once something gets taken off the board, I'm the only one who's allowed to put it back on. [Park runs in happily, raising her arms in victory and making crowd-cheering noises.] Park [pointing at House]: You owe me 106,804 Yuan. Or $100 U.S. [She imitates an explsin sound!] House: God, but you're petty. Okay, so… two options. Either we figure out what's wrong with this guy, or we figure out how to make this company profitable in New Jersey. Adams: Eastern equine encephalitis? [Sounds of sawing come once again from the room next door.] House (screaming): Thinking in here! Park: Brain scans indicate it could be Loa loa disease. [Buzzing continues] House: Ah, shut it off! [House angrily runs in the Ortho room and grabs the doctor by his coat.] House: Apparently we're allowed to do this now. [As he is about to punch him, he notices a bone x-ray on a screen behind the doctor and has an idea.] Ortho doctor: Get out of here, House! House (thinking): Start the patient on plasmapheresis. He'll wake up in an hour. [Satisfied, he addresses the Ortho doc] It's been a pleasure having you in the neighborhood. [Cut to the patient’s room. Barton wakes up, House is sitting next to the bed.] House: This diagnosis was brought to you by the letter "Y." Ainsley: Dad… God, you're okay. Barton: I'm thirsty. House: That's a side effect of not dying. Turns out your blood was getting thick and syrupy. Complexes of large, y-shaped antibodies were clogging up your blood vessels, causing your organs to shut down one by one. Now, usually with hyperviscosity syndrome, it's caused by an elevated blood count or protein count. Yours eluded us 'cause it was caused by antibodies from your rheumatoid arthritis. Now that they're being filtered out, the blood would be… a little less duck sauce and a little more soy sauce. Barton: So I'm gonna be completely cured. House: It's not all about you. Your stock price will be completely cured. Once you sign this. [He hands him the paper.] It's a press release. It says that you're healthy, you're going back to work, and you're signing the lease that officially moves the company to China. Ainsley: He just woke up. Dad, you don't have to deal with this right now. [House stops her.] House: Ah, mm, yeah, actually… he does. 'Cause the market opens at 9:00 a.m. And this means a lot to me. You may remember me from the time I saved your life. Ainsley: If you move it, it'll be without me. Barton: I know you object. I know you disagree with— Ainsley: Dad… I can't do it. If this is really about family, you will not do this. [Barton hesitates but finally grabs the pen House was handing him and signs the paper. Ainsley walks out.] [Next morning. Cut ot PPTH lobby, House wheels in the skin resurfacing laser. Wilson approaches him.] House: Morning. [Wilson hands him a wad of cash.] House: Got lucky this time. Wilson: No, you didn't. I made this bet so you'd stop actively trying to fre Park so you'd be neutral. You went out of your way to help her. She obviously earned your respect, passed whatever test you— House: I sabotaged her hearing. You do read the school paper, don't you? Wilson [Chuckles]: If you had sabotaged her hearing, she would have gotten more than a slap on the wrist. What you actually did was make her emotional and make the board members see her as a victim. House: 'Cause the panel feels badly for incompetent doctors who nearly kll people. Wilson: You know that everyone on that panel hates you. You know the minute you recommend f*ring anyone, they start discussing how big a bonus to give them. House: That's just hurtful. The fact is, winning $100 from you gives me more pleasure than winning $100 from her. Here's your five grand. [House hands him a check and Wilson takes it, surprised.] Wilson: What five grand? House: Just take it. Trust me. [House wheels the laser to Foreman’s office.] House: Found her sleeping in the park. Said she ran away because her daddy didn't love her. And that is exactly what happened… as far as you can prove. Foreman: Congratulations. You're not going to jail… today. But you do know I just can't let this slide. You need to keep up your rep. House: Fine. Clinic hours. I'll double them. Foreman: Okay. 12 hours a week. House: No… Three times two equals six. Foreman: And 3 times 2 times 2 is 12. I know about your deal with Adams. [House reaches for a check in the inside pocket of his coat. He hands it to Foreman.] House: Call Chase and Taub. Get 'em in here. The boys are back. Foreman: This check is for significantly more than what I told you it would take to fund the department. House: I know. [Cut to the Ortho room, which is now officially House’s again. He is waiting for someone. Adams finally comes in.] Adams: You paged me? [House presents her with a skeleton. It is wearing a white lab coat. He takes it and hands it to her.] House: Congratulations. [She smiles and lets him put it on her.] House: You caught your boyfriend cheating that morning. You had a big fight. That's why you were late. You re-pitched an S.T.D. You haven't gotten two consecutive minutes without using the word "loyalty," which explains the anger and the low self-esteem, and the desire to feel pretty… after having been rejected explains the clothes. Adams: It wasn't my boyfriend. It was my husband. I was at my lawyer's office signing the divorce papers. House: Wow. I missed the fact that you were married. Adams: We've been separated for almost a year. House: So… old news? No anger left? [He waits for her answer but she stays quiet. House grabs a baseball bat and hands it to Adams. He shows her all the equipment left around them.] It's all bought and paid for. [She takes the bat; House puts on a pair of safety glasses. Starting with the skeleton, Adams destroys the room, piece by piece. House is smiling. Cat Stevens’s “Morning has broken” is playing in the background.] ♪♫ Morning has broken ♪♫ like the first morning ♪♫ blackbird has spoken ♪♫ like the first bird ♪♫ praise for the singing ♪♫ praise for the morning ♪♫ praise for them springing ♪♫ fresh from the word	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x04 - Risky Business"}	foreverdreaming
Collins: Good afternoon, Cedarville! [cheers and applause from the crowd] It is my distinct honor to present our annual community service award to one of our most outstanding citizens. Now, many of you may recognize him as Coach Bob of our champion little league team. And some of you may know him as the treasurer of our Harvest Scholarship Fund. [Cindy smiles] But I know that all of you know him as the guy that owns the only gas station in town. [laughter] Bob Harris, get on up here with that beautiful family of yours! [Bob, Denise and their kids, Sally and David, join the mayor.] Bob Harris, folks! Bob, your community activism, charity work, and character represent the finest Cedarville has to offer. [Cindy takes a loving cup from a table and brings it over.] Please accept this on behalf of all of us and know that we love you. [Bob shakes hands with Cindy as she gives him the cup. He holds it aloft as members of the audience applauds.] [Cut to a motel room that night. It’s dark. Kissing can be heard. Bob’s trophy stands on a counter, next to Cindy’s Miss Cedarville sash and tiara. Cindy and Bob are on the bed. As they kiss, they land on the floor and laugh. They roll over and he’s on top as they continue to kiss. He pulls his torso away and gasps.] Cindy: Are you all right? Bob? [He collapses, pinning her to the floor.] You're crushing me! Wake up! [She shoves him onto his back on the floor. He gasps loudly.] I think you're having a heart attck. I'm gonna call the ambulance! [She reaches for her purse and pulls out her phone. Bob puts out his hand to stop her.] Bob: [whispering slowly] No. Just drive me to the hospital. [END OF TEASER] [OPENING CREDITS] [ACT ONE] [Cut to Foreman’s office. Foreman: As the new dean of medicine, I'd like to personally welcome all of our new employees and ask, why the hell do you want to come back? [He’s talking to Chase and Taub. Taub looks the same. Chase has cut his hair even further and grown a beard.] Chase: Tired of surfing. Foreman: He hasn't changed. Chase: And neither has the job, right? We still get to do crazy crap? Taub: Save people's lives instead of just their noses? Foreman: About that… about the crazy stuff? Taub: Here we go. He's gone from ally to enemy. Chase: He has no choice. He's the boss now. He has to be professional. He has to base his decisions on what's best for the entire hospital. We can't take it personally. Foreman: Couldn't have said it better myself. Chase: You did. I'm just reading the notes on your desk. [He leans forward and grabs a piece of paper before Foreman can reach it. He hands it to Taub] He also wants us to spy for him. Foreman: Not spy. I'm trying to keep House out of prison. To do that, I need to know what he's doing and planning. Chase and Taub: [in unison] Spy. Foreman: Come on, guys. I am your boss. You do have to treat me appropriately. But it doesn't have to be awkward and weird. Outside of work, I still consider us all friends. Taub: I'm glad you feel that way, because I do have a favor to ask. I told House I couldn't come back until next week. He said he understood completely and that I was fired. So… [He clears throat and gestures toward the door. A smiling aide wheels in a double stroller.] Since I have my kids for the next two days, I need a babysitter. Foreman: No! [Cut to Diagnostics. The room has been cleared up. Adams and Park sit on folding chairs at a folding table. A couple more chairs are folded and leaning against the wall to House’s office. The only other furniture in the room is the white board. House paces behind them.] Adams: Male patient went into v-fib but shows no signs of heart disease House: What was he doing when his heart decided to do the mambo? Park: He said he was at work. [Chase and Taub enter.] House: You're late. Taub: According to my calendar, I'm a week early. House: Beard's a nice touch. Lets everyone know that you're not a teenage girl. [Chase takes a chair and sits next to Adams.] Oh, now, you two make a cute couple. [Taub prepares to sit next to Park who stands as he approaches.] And you two… [faux stammers] It's not important. Park: Dr. Park. [She and Taub shake hands.] You're a lot taller than I thought you'd be. Taub: And I look forward to working with you as well. House: He's lying, not just Taub… the patient. These abrasions on his knees… they're minty fresh… about ten hours old. Adams: He got them playing flag football. House: He said he got them playing flag football. I'm sure that's true if "flag" is a euphemism for "penis" and "football" is a euphemism for "entering a vagina." Adams: Why lie about it? Taub: Everybody lies. House: Speaking of which, how are your two baby girls? Park: Wow, twins… congratulations. House: [making a big show of “oops — wrong thing to say”] Awkward! [normal voice] He knocked up two different women at the same time… At least he thinks he did. You have them DNA tested yet? Taub: Why would I? They look just like me. House: But they will grow. Find out what else he's lying about. Do an exercise test… see if you can get him to go back into v-fib again. Park: But we could end up causing another cardiac arrest. House: Hopefully. Then we'll know what set it off. Chase: He means it's better to do it here where we can revive him than have it happen somewhere else. House: The prodigal son has returned. [He hugs Chase and slaps his back. Chase stands there, impassive.] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go slaughter a fatted calf for lunch. [Cut to Bob’s room. In the corner, an aide brings in flowers to add to all the plants, cards and stuffed animals covering every surface.] Bob: I told you, I was sitting at my desk when the attck happened. Chase: These rug burns are from last night. Adams: We think you were having sex, but memory loss could also be a symptom. Maybe we should ask your wife. Bob: Don't. I-I did something stupid last night, but it was a one-time thing. You have no idea how bad I feel about it. Adams: Your guilt is between you and your wife. We just need to know what happened. Bob: I was having sex at a motel when I started to feel light-headed. Next thing I knew, I was laying on my back. I could barely breathe. Denise: [enters] Is everything all right? Chase: We'd like to perform an exercise test, re-create the stress that may have caused his symptoms. Denise: He was sitting at his desk. Chase: It's his heart we're worried about. The test will monitor its rhythm so we can check for any abnormalities. [Cut to House pounding on Wilson’s door.] House: [loudly] I spent a month in solitary. You don't think I can keep this up all day? [He goes back to banging on the door. There’s the sound of rustling inside then Wilson opens the door. The room behind him is unlit.] Wilson: I have a headache. Could you just lower your voice? House: [loudly] Chase and Taub are back! Wilson: You want me to pick up an ice-cream cake? House: I also think that Taub has brought his little Taubettes into work with him today. Wilson: Why would he do that? House: Because I didn't give him time to do anything else. Then I started wondering, who'd be sappy enough to watch them for him? Wilson: They're not here. House: What? I just came for a chat with a friend. What's that I smell, friend? Wilson: I understand your confusion. I was eating a baby for lunch, and… [House looks under the desk.] I have a massive migraine. Will you please just go away? House: You should probably lie down and rest. Wilson: Yeah. I was trying to. House: [at the door] Oh! There is one more thing. [He turns back and opens the blinds on the balcony door. The Taubettes are out there, in their strollers. Wilson starts to say something then decides not to. House turns and smiles at him.] [Cut to Bob’s stress test. He’s running on a treadmill. Adams and Chase stand next to him. Taub and Park are at the computer monitors.] Chase: He's in too good of a shape. We need to get him to the point he was at last night. Adams: Well, don't look at me. But if you want to… Chase: Cute. [Adams smiles] I didn't mean physical stress. Park: Don't you guys think this is irresponsible? It's like you getting two women pregnant at the same time. I just mean the part about the odds of it happening. They had to be incredibly high. And if we induce v-fib, odds say that we'll be able to revive him. But there's always a chance we can't. Taub: It's extreme and reckless. That's House. You get used to it. House: [sticking his head in the door at just the right moment] Or I fre you. Look what I found… [He wheels in the Taubettes.] Kiddie-winkies! I wonder who they belong to. Taub: [jumps up and takes the stroller] Give me my kids. House: No. I genuinely wonder who they belong to. I need a DNA sample. [He holds up a wrapped swab.] Taub: I'm not letting you DNA test my kids. House: Already did. This swab's for you. [Taub removes House’s cane from the stroller and trades it with House for the swab. He throws the swab away and wheels the girls to the far end of the room.] Fine. If you don't mind paying a fortune in child support for some other guy's kids, no skin cells off my cheek. Park: His heart rate's finally elevating. Denise: [just entered, followed by Chase] Dr. Chase said you had something to tell me. Chase: We were talking about how you got the abrasions on your knees… the flag football game. Bob: Oh, um… Yeah, honey, I'm gonna need you to let the guys know I'm not gonna be able to play on Saturday. [smiles] Denise: The whole town knows that you're in the hospital. I wouldn't worry about it. Adams: That's not what you wanted to tell her. You said the game wasn't typical. Something happened that you were upset about? Bob: I don't understand. What are you t… [panting] I don't f… I don't feel very w… [He collapses. Chase tries to grab him as he slides off the end of the treadmill. A monitor alarm beeps.] Denise: What's happening? [House watches from the other room, interested. Taub clicks on the intercom] Taub: It's not his heart. Chase: I know. He's having a seizure. [Bob is propped up against the end of the treadmill. His eyes are rolling in his head.] [END OF ACT ONE] [ACT TWO] [Cut to Diagnostics. Chase and Taub sit on the floor against the glass wall to the hallway. Their legs are stretched in front of them, crossed and their hands are crossed in their laps. House appears behind them and opens the door. He is followed by Park and Adams, carrying a sofa. Park: There wasn't any abnormal electrical activity in his E.K.G. when his seizure occurred. It wasn't caused by a v-fib. Adams: [a little breathless] We still can't rule it out. His E.K.G. from the E.R. documented… Chase: Myocarditis… viral infection weakening the wall muscles. We need to biopsy his heart to confirm. [Adams and Park put the sofa down by the windows in front of the balcony.] House: Myocarditis wouldn't cause a seizure. Taub: Could be genetic… Brugada Syndrome. House: Oh, my God. Two prodigal sons. Come on. Let's hug it out. [He holds his arms wide.] Taub: You really like the idea, or you just want to grab some hair for a DNA test? House: It's a stupid idea. We would have seen evidence of Brugada in the E.K.G. [He looks at Parks & Adams who are slumped on the couch.] You know, this is… this is just messing with my feng shui here. What about over there? [Points to the wall where the conference table used to be.] Park: A pheochromocytoma. [getting up and grabbing her end of the couch] Excess adrenaline can cause heart problems and… seizures. [Adams has the other end and they move the couch while the guys watch.] House: Boring! Park: I'm sorry. I thought I was here to treat the patients, not entertain you. House: Would it hurt to do both? [flops over the couch back and lies down] Oh, this is much better! I said it was boring. I didn't say it was wrong. Park: So I'm right. House: Nope. You're wrong. Photic epilepsy… it's equally boring, but it has the advantage of possibly being right. Give him an E.E.G. to confirm. [The team leaves. House lies on the couch, thinking.] [Cut to the twins being rolled around… the main entrance by Wilson. His shirtsleeves are rolled up and he looks exasperated. He sighs loudly then sees Foreman crossing the lobby.] Wilson: If you ever hear me mention anything about wanting kids, please feel free to punch me in the liver. Foreman: Why? [One Taubette makes a noise, the other joins and they cry at full volume.] Wilson: It's like Satan's alarm clock. Foreman: [walking the circuit around the front desk with Wilson] What's House up to? He hasn't asked me for anything. He's been incredibly well-behaved. He's doing his clinic hours. Wilson: That is a sign of concern. Foreman: And you know him as well as I do. He needs to constantly establish he's the Alpha dog. Wilson: He's got his team back. He's got his office back. He's got everything he needs. Foreman: You really believe that… He's content? I don't want to let House sabotage himself by sabotaging me, and I need your guidance and your trust to do that. Wilson: [laughs] No, no, no. Cuddy had a problem with House, she came to me. Wanted to vent… me. How did that turn out? You have a problem with House, deal with it, or find someone else who can. [He wheels off, leaving Foreman standing there.] [Cut to treatment room. Adams adjusts equipment on Bob’s head. Chase is at the bedside, readying the product-placement Apple laptop.] Chase: I'm sorry about earlier, but we needed to provoke a reaction. Bob: It worked. I can barely look her in the eyes anymore. Adams: I'd want my husband to tell me the truth. Chase: Sure. You'll feel better, and she'll feel what… devastated, betrayed? Heartbroken. Do you really want to do that to her? Bob: No. But I can't live like this. Chase: But she can. All set. Adams: All right, we need you to sit back and try to relax. Just look at the light. [There’s a rhythmic thrumming. The panels of the opaque skylight over Bob begin flashing.] [Cut to Diagnostics. House is still on the couch, lying in the opposite direction. Behind him, the wall has been replaced by plastic sheeting and some wood struts. There are workmen on the other side, drilling and hammering. The team enters, slowly.] Park: What exactly are they building back there? House: A dream. Chase: The E.E.G. didn't show any abnormal brain activity. Adams: He doesn't have photic epilepsy. House: I know, because he has a pheochromocytoma. Park: You said I was wrong. House: You were wrong not to rule out epilepsy first. That only takes a couple of hours. Finding a tumor that's flushing adrenaline through his system is gonna take all night. Monitor his brain activity, start a continuous urine test and blood draws every two hours. Taub: I can't! I have my kids! Wilson's leaving in, like, minutes! House: Chase and Adams can do the test. Taub: Thank you. [House gets up and reaches into his pocket. Coins jingle and he drops a bunch into Taub’s hand.] House: For the massage bed. You and Park are checking the motel he was bumping uglies at for environmental factors. [Cut to a seedy motel. A hooker is opening a door. A nondescript man waits behind her. Behind them, Taub wheels the stroller in, followed by Park. And the end of the hall there are three neon signs — “Exit,” “Office” and “Hourly Rates. The hooker and her john stare at them.) Park: He couldn't find a babysitter. Get over it. Taub: [whispers] You're gonna get us klled. Park: [whispers] She thinks I'm a prosttute on her turf. Showing weakness is what gets you klled. Taub: [whispers] Why would she think you're a prosttute? Park: [whispers] I'm in a dump with a guy almost twice my age. What else is she gonna think? Taub: How old do you think I am? [She opens the door to the room.] [Cut to the procedure room. All the lighting is very low. Bob and Denise are asleep in his hospital bed. Chase and Adams are in the observation room with the blinds half closed.] Chase: So who cheated on you? Adams: We just met. Don't you think it's a little early to be dragging up our baggage in front of each other? Chase: Who says I have baggage? Adams: I know when House went to prison, you quit medicine. — You don't do that unless… Chase: I didn't quit. I took a vacation. I knew when he got out, I'd get my job back. Adams: House didn't even know he was coming back. Chase: I had faith. Adams: Now, that has baggage stamped all over it. [He stares at her. A monitor beeps. A line on the EKG flattens out.] Adams: Seizure activity? Chase: No. One of the sensors came loose. Adams: I'll fix it. [She goes into the other room. As she reaches out to Bob’s head, Denise rolls away. Adams stares. In the observation room, Chase turns on the intercom.] Chase: What is it? [There’s a bulge the size of a baseball on the right side of Bob’s neck.] Adams: Not a pheochromocytoma. [END OF ACT TWO] [ACT THREE] [Cut to Diagnostics the next morning. Chase, Park and Adams are at the table. House is standing where the kitchen used to be, brushing his teeth.[ Chase: Our patient now has a mass in his neck, and his body temp's been rising over the last three hours. Park: Where is the construction crew? House: Well, I'm not gonna make them work day and night. So I chose night. [He spits into a mug.] Adams: And his urine and blood tests didn't show any evidence of an adrenaline-secreting tumor. Park: Meningitis. We can do a lumbar puncture to confirm. Taub: [entering] Sorry. I had to drop my kids off at day care across town. What'd I miss? Chase: It's not meningitis. His neck isn't stiff, and his mental status is normal. House: He's only guessing. I'm talking to Taub. He can't say "my kids" until he lets me test them. Tell me about the love shack where he cheated on his bride. Taub: Quarters came in handy. My kids loved the massage bed. Park: Lab tests show the bed tested positive for, uh, semen, vaginal secretions, saliva, and fecal matter, both human and animal. [Taub’s face falls as she reads the list.] House: Probably want to boil the kids for a couple hours when you get home. Park: The bathroom also tested positive for five different types of pathogenic bacteria. House: Fusobacterium necrophorum was one of them. [He puts on his dress shirt and buttons it.] Park: Yeah. How'd you know? House: The bulge in his neck. The bacteria colonized his parapharyngeal space, moved into his jugular vein, causing a thrombus… Lemierre's Syndrome. Treat with amoxicillin and clavulanic acid. Take out the clot before it moves to his lungs and kills him. [House puts on his suit jacket as the team gathers their bags and leaves. House takes a bag out of his pocket and put it over Taub’s cup. He turns. Taub is there. He takes his cup and leaves. House yells to his retreating figure.] House: You have at least a trillion cells. You're gonna misplace one of them eventually. [Cut to Bob’s room. Park and Taub are there.] Bob: I have to tell my wife the truth. Park: There's plenty of time for that after the operation. Bob: What if I die, and one day she finds out I cheated on her? I'll never be able to explain, never tell her how sorry I am. Taub: You're increasing the odds of that every second we waste here. Bob: No, I'm not agreeing to anything until I talk to her. [Door slides opens. Bob’s kids run in and climb on the bed with him. Denise follows.] David: Daddy! Bob: Hey. Hey, guys. Sally: Ew! Your neck looks really gross. Bob: I missed you both so much. But I need to ask you favor. I need to talk to mommy alone for a second. [to Taub and Park] Would you mind watching them for us? [They nod and leave with the children. Denise looks at Bob, expectantly.] [Cut to the lobby. Sally and David sit by the fountain. Taub and Park sit nearby.] Taub: This guy's an idiot. Park: I think he actually has a good point. What would you think if you found out years later your beloved dad wife cheated on you? Taub: I wouldn't believe it. As long as I don't hear it directly from her, then I can hang on to hope that it's not true. But this way… she has to either dump him or forgive him. [Denise comes into the lobby and talks to the kids.] Denise: Guys, get your stuff. We're leaving. Park: I'm so sorry. Denise: [arms folded defensively] I'll be back. I'm gonna drop our kids off at my mother's. Look, he made a mistake… a stupid, horrible mistake. But we'll get through this. All I care about right now is that my husband gets better. [Taub and Park look at each other and nod slightly as she leaves.] [Cut to the cafeteria. Wilson is at a table. He looks up from his food as Taub joins him.] Wilson: Sorry about yesterday. House was like the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Taub: Why is he so obsessed with my kids being my kids? [Wilson doesn’t say anything. Taub answers himself.] Because he sees insecurity, and when House senses weakness, he pounces, and because his insecurity is the fact that other people can have faith and don't have the obsessive need for physical proof. Wilson: Also, he started a betting pool on which kid is yours and which isn't. [he chuckles] Taub: [not seeing the humor] An entire hospital betting on the legitimacy of my kids? It's great to be back among friends. [He leaves. Wilson watches him go then picks up Taub’s fork and puts it in a sample bag. He seals it as he walks to the cafeteria entrance, where Taub is standing.] Wilson: I'm not the bad guy here. I'm betting on them both being yours. [Taub grabs the bag from Wilson and leaves.] I would have donated the money to charity. [Cut to the OR. Equipment beep beeps as Chase removes the clot.] Chase: Approaching the clot. Stand by for… Adams: [assisting] That’s not a clot. Chase: It's his lymph nodes. The bulge wasn't caused by pus or blood. It's tissue inflammation. How can there be that much tissue… Adams: …lymphoma. We need to take a biopsy. [As Chase takes tissue samples, an alarm starts blaring.] Chase: Did I nick something? Adams: I don't know. Chase: I don't see any bleeding in here. [They start inspecting Bob for problems. Adams shines a light in his eyes.] Adams: His sclera's jaundiced. I think it's his liver. It's failing. [END OF ACT THREE] [ACT FOUR] [Cut to a lounge.] Adams: We did a major operation for no reason. It's not Lemierre's Syndrome. Chase: We would have had to biopsy his lymph nodes anyway to check for cancer. Adams: Which it's not. Biopsy was clean. Park: We could be dealing with an alcoholic going through withdrawal. It explains his heart, seizures, and liver failing. House: But not his swollen lymph nodes. [Park peers behind a mobile book cart to reply.] Park: Why are we stealing cable from here? We don't even have a TV in our office. [House climbs out from behind the cart and puts away his screwdriver.] House: I'm an ex-con, trying to adjust to a world that's passed me by. Stealing's all I know… that and the fact that I was right about what's wrong with our patient. Just wrong about what? [Adams tries to process that but looks confused.] Taub: He means it's not Lemierre's, but it's still an infection, which is why it's spreading so rapidly. Park: Cultures take time, and his liver doesn't have much left. [House is behind the kitchen counter, filling a large shopping bag with items like a stainless container that held wooden coffee stirrers – before he dumped the stirrers on the counter.] House: That's why we're gonna blast him with broad-spectrum antibiotics. [He turns to see what else is worth taking.] Adams: The blast will fry what's left of his liver. The cure will kll him. Chase: Not if we get him a liver transplant first and then treat him with a broad spectrum. House: [adding a toaster to his bag] And old team for the win! [Chase and Taub mildly pump their fists at each other.] Not that I'm keeping score. It's more of a grid where I assign numerical values to determine who gets raises, vacation time, and my respect. [House leaves.] [Cut to Bob’s room. Denise is there. Chase and Adams explain their options.] Adams: We he him on the donor list for a liver. But these things take time. Denise: So he could die before he gets one. Adams: It's a possibility. But we have another option. We can do a partial liver transplant from a living donor. I'll do it. Chase: If you're a match, but to increase our odds, we'd like to get your friends and family tested as well. Bob: [sighs] Is it safe? Adams: It's a major surgery. The donor spends a week in the hospital and up to three months convalescing at home. Bob: I can't ask someone to do that for me. Denise: There are hundreds of people who would do that for you. Bob: Because they don't know the real me. Denise: You are a good man who made a mistake. Bob: Then I have to tell them first. Denise: I have to live with this too. Bob: I know. And I'm sorry, but… this is the only way that I can do this. [Cut to the clinic nurses’ station that night. It is full of people. They each have a clipboard and are filling out paperwork. Chase, Park and Adams enter. Denise wheels Bob in and the whole crowd applauds. He raises his hand slightly to stop them.] Bob: Before I ask any of you to sacrifice three months of your life for me, I have a confession. I had an affair. I cheated on Denise. I wouldn't blame anyone if you decide… Denise: I forgive him. That should be enough for all of us. [choking up] Thank you so much for coming here… Bob: There's more. Larry… that new transmission I put in your truck… you didn't need it. Joe, same thing with the engine rebuild. In fact, I cheated most of you here tonight. Half the time you bring your cars into my garage, there's nothing wrong with them. I've been ripping you all off for years. [a few people walk out] I also took $10,000 from the harvest scholarship fund, and I lost it gambling. [more people leave] I'm sorry. I'm not the man you thought I was. [He wheels himself out of the room while Denise stands there, looking uncomfortable. Chase, Adams and Park look embarrassed.] Park: [whispers] That went over well. [Cut to Diagnostics. It’s still night – the workmen are hammering and drilling. House is mixing cocktails at a fully stocked bar/medicine cabinet by the blinds on the glass wall. The team, still minus Taub, is at the table, eating Chinese food from the cartons.] Chase: Out of the two donors who didn't walk out, both were negative for a potential match. Telling the truth may have just klled this guy. Adams: I told him to tell his wife he cheated, not confess every sin he's ever committed. Park: If everyone did that, we'd never find a donor for anyone again. Adams: Everybody doesn't lie, cheat, or steal from their friends. Chase: Yeah, they do. Maybe not as much as this guy, but if people told nothing but the truth, the world would probably burn down overnight. Adams: Some people think it's burning now. Maybe if everybody didn't lie… House: Aw, that is cute. [drinking a martini] I'm talking about your breasts. [She puts a hand up to pull the neck of her dress closed.] They always get perky when you're being painfully earnest. Truth. It's uncomfortable, isn't it? More truth… I only noticed because Chase was staring at them. [He sits at the table and continues.] He'd never admit it, because he doesn't want to offend you. Same reason he'd never tell you that he's thought about having sex with you. Although, to be fair, every man you've ever met has thought about having sex with you. They'll lie, because if you knew… you probably wouldn't want to have sex with them. And that's just some of the lies from the last minute. And here's a bigger one… you already know this, but you pretend you don't because it makes you feel civilized. Most people find it easier to ignore the truth. Ask Taub. Our patient can't wait for a transplant that's never gonna come. We need to get reckless and extreme. C.T. his liver, find the damaged area, and cut it out. Hopefully, what's left will be enough so we can start treatment with broad-spectrum antibiotics. [Cut to Taub’s apartment. He picks up one of the girls and puts her on the bed.] Taub: I'm sorry the first time I had both of you together I had to work. But daddy's boss is what we call a jackass. Good. Stay right there. [He picks up the second girl.] I'm also sorry… for what I'm about to do… because… because nothing will ever change how I feel about you guys. [He puts her on the bed.] But… [both babies coo] but daddy is weak and needs to know. [He whisper as he brings a swab to the first baby’s mouth.] Taub: Okay. Just gonna put this right here… okay? [Cut to CT room. Chase and Adams are scanning Bob. Foreman enters.] Chase: It's 3:30 in the morning. Why are you still here? Foreman: House is here and apparently prepping for an operation that will probably kll a patient. Chase: I wouldn't be doing this if I thought there was another way. Foreman: There is. He needs a transplant. Chase: You have one lying around? 'Cause he'll be dad if he doesn't get one in the next few hours. Foreman: That falls under natural causes. If you kll him, we're looking at… Chase: dad is dad. Foreman: Not as far as our lawyers are concerned. I'm not being a dick. This is a real issue, and I have to worry about the big picture now. Chase: I don't. I'll be doing what you would have done a year ago. I'll be in surgery. Adams: Chase… you need to check this out. This is a C.T. scan of his liver from ten hours ago… this is from now. Foreman: It's healing itself. [END OF ACT FOUR] [ACT FIVE] [Cut to the nurses’ station outside Bob’s room. House sits at the nurses’ station, eating Patton-brand popcorn from a bag, and watching the show – Denise fighting with Bob. She’s throwing things onto the floor and shouting loudly enough for the sound, if not the words, to be heard outside. The team stands behind House, observing.] Taub: When I left the room, he was telling her about the strippers from his bachelor party. Chase: Liver function has improved 30%… buys us a few extra days before he'll need a transplant. House: Interesting question is, why is it regenerating? [Denise grabs her purse and leaves the room. She looks around the hall. The team, embarrassed, pretends not to look at her — except for House, of course. He stares as she walks off.] House: And scene. Now we're back to boring reality reality. His liver was in shock before. He's been having an allergic reaction since he got here. Chase: Could explain why his symptoms appeared so rapidly. Adams: And maybe starting to go away. Taub: We need to run a scratch test to find out what set it off. House: Or who. This all started when he cheated on his wife. Park: He's allergic to a person? House: Or something she's wearing… makeup, perfume, birth control method, her "Hello Kitty" doll. Two of you go find her and find out what. Two of you start treatment with corticosteroids and epinephrine while you run the scratch test. [He leaves, handing Chase the empty bag of popcorn as he goes.] [Cut to a clinic room. Chase and Adams are examining Cindy.] Cindy: You think I did this to him? Chase: Or something you wear, own, use, or gave him. Cindy: I gave him a condom. He didn't have one. Adams: What kind? Cindy: I don't know what kind. I got it from the health fair I was working at. Chase: You're in the medical profession? Cindy: I'm Miss Cedarville. The health fair is one of my responsibilities. Adams: Is another one hooking up with 38-year-old married men? Chase: I guess I'm supposed to be the good cop. I know this is tough. But anything you can remember might help save his life. Cindy: He was giving me a ride home, and… he always seemed so nice. And then we ended up at the motel. And now everybody's talking about it. And if they find out it was me, I'm gonna lose my title and probably my job. And no one in town is ever gonna speak to me again. I made a mistake, and now it's gonna end up ruining my life. [Even Adams stops looking judgmental about this.] [Cut to Bob’s room. Park and Taub are there. She’s doing scratch tests on his abdomen.] Bob: Denise never wants to see me again. Park: What did you think was gonna happen? Bob: I was sick of living a lie. Everybody loved me. Everybody looked up to me. But… I didn't deserve it. Taub: Everybody makes mistakes. They just don't usually broadcast all of them at the same time. Bob: Well, if I'm gonna die, I might as well do it with a clean soul. Park: And if you live? You didn't just burn bridges. You torched, nuked, and salted the earth with them. Bob: Everybody has to pay for their sins. [he gasps loudly] Oh, it feels like you stuck me with a hot poker. Taub: An allergic reaction. Park: It's the swab for wheat-based allergies. Bob: I've been eating wheat my entire life. I'm not allergic to wheat. [Alarm blaring] Now it feels like my whole body's on fre. [Equipment alarms start going off. While Taub looks at them, Park looks at Bob who’s stomach is entirely mottled.] [Cut to the lab. Park is looking at enlarged cells on a screen. Taub and Chase are performing tests.] Park: This doesn't make any sense. He broke out with a rash right after I tested with the wheat-allergy swab, but none of his blood samples show he's allergic to it. Taub: Then he's not allergic to it. Chase: Could the corticosteroids have somehow caused it? Taub: I didn't hook them up yet. After he broke out, I wanted to confirm it was gluten before we dosed him. Chase: Could be a latex allergy. Started with a condom, and we kept it going with our gloves and equipment. Taub: He doesn't test positive for that either. Park: None of his samples test positive for anything. Taub: Then he's allergic to something not on the tests. I'll keep looking here. Chase: We'll start the steroids and see if it clears up. [Chase and Park leave. Taub watches then puts three slides on the screen. Foreman enters and Taub quickly turns the lights off behind the slides.] Foreman: You have one patient and three DNA results? Taub: How else do I compare them to other genetic disorders? What's up? Foreman: Chase basically called me a sellout. Taub: Just because you hung up your lab coat for more money and a bigger office? Foreman: I hung it up because someone had to run this place after Cuddy left. Taub: There are a lot of good administrators out there, not many good doctors. Foreman: More to it than you think. For example, you're looking at monkey DNA. [He turns the lights back on.] My analysis… House took your results after he manipulated you into providing them. [Cut to Bob’s room. He’s screaming in pain. A nurse runs in followed closely by Chase and Park. As he continues to scream, Bob lifts his arm from the bed. His skin stays behind, attached to the sheet. Chase opens Bob’s gown and part of the skin on his chest goes with it. It is extremely disgusting.] [END OF ACT FIVE] [ACT SIX] [Cut to House’s office. The team stands at his desk.] Adams: He's shedding his skin like a snake. Taub: If it was an allergic reaction, the corticosteroids and epinephrine would have made him better, not worse. Park: Is everyone trying to think of an answer? Or is everyone afraid to say what they think the answer is? House: I take it you're in the latter category. Park: Stevens-Johnson syndrome… it fits all of his symptoms and explains why he got worse after the steroids. Most medication exacerbates the condition. Chase: There's no treatment for it. House: [clicks his pen a few times] It fits. Case closed. Why don't you go home and get some sleep? [Taub, Park and Adams leave. Chase stands there for a moment. House looks at him then Chase leaves too. House continues to play with his pen.] [Cut to Bob’s room. Other than a sheet/loincloth, he is uncovered and shedding everywhere but his face and neck. Chase sits next to the bed, masked.] Bob: [wheezing with each breath] I feel like I'm in hell. Chase: We can't give you too much pain medication, or we'll make your condition worse. Bob: I got one final confession to make. Chase: What's left… you cheated on your taxes? Bob: I'm a mrder. [Chase’s eyes widen.] I klled my business partner. I sht him in the head. I made it look like su1c1de. And he was just the first. Chase: You klled more? Bob: Uh-huh. Three… or four. Chase: Try not to k*ll anyone else until I get back. [Cut to Bob getting an MRI. Chase is at the monitor, surrounded by the rest of the team. House stands by the wall.] Chase: It's neurological. There's an aneurysm in the anterior communicating artery of his brain… the area moderating impulse control and compulsion. As it grew larger, so did the confessions. Watch. [he clicks on the intercom] Bob, one of my shoes is missing from my locker. Bob: I'm so sorry. I… I needed the cash, and, um, the locker was open. Park: I never heard of a neurological problem that causes someone's skin to fall off. House: Because there isn't one. The aneurysm is just another symptom. It's not the cause. You add them all together, we get… [He waits, but the team doesn’t answer.] We get Kaw… Kawas… Kawas… [exasperated] It's Kawasaki's Disease. It's autoimmune. Taub: Yes, we knew what "kawah" meant. We just figured since it basically presents only in Asian children… House: Which you might have, by the way. Which is basically why we missed it. Rug burns… certain carpet-cleaning chemicals have been linked to it. Start treatment with intravenous immunoglobulin. Monitor the aneurysm. If it doesn't resolve itself we'll have to repair it. [addressing Taub, Adams and Park on his way out] The rest of you… aren't surfing enough. [Chase smiles.] [Cut to the hallway. Taub follows House.] Taub: Monkey DNA… nice touch. House: Really? You don't think I should have gone with rat? I've been second-guessing myself all day. Taub: Where are the DNA results? [He reaches for the folder House is holding but House jerks them out of the way.] House: First admit that I was right. Taub: You manipulated me into doing it. House: Yeah, I'll admit to that. Now you admit that it was incredibly easy, because you can't cheat an honest man. Taub: I love them. I don't care if one of them isn't biologically mine. House: What about both? Could be. Haven't read these. Now say I was right. Taub: No. I'll admit I was weak for a moment, but I'm not doing this. I don't care. House: You do, and I'll prove it. I will shred this. I will call off my pool, return the money, and we'll forget all about it. Or we'll go to the light box in the lab and know the truth once and for all. [He holds the folder over the shredder and makes faces at Taub.] Taub: Stop. Let me see them. [House looks very pleased with himself as he gives Taub the folder. Taub glances at the sheets inside for a fraction of a second then feeds the folder into the shredder.] Just wanted to make sure all three were inside. [Cut to Bob’s room. Chase and Adams are there. Denise enters.] Denise: The mayor checked. There wasn't any money missing from the scholarship fund. Dr. Chase told me… about your disease, how it made you confess to crimes you hadn't committed. [Adams and Chase go to the door silently. Sniffles] The affair with that girl… is that real? Bob: Honey, I… would never… have never cheated on you. Denise: [Crying] I knew you could never do that to me. I don't know how… but I knew. [She climbs on the bed to embrace him. Chase and Adams look at each other and leave.] [Cut to the locker room. Foreman’s there. Chase comes in and goes to his locker.] Foreman: Glad to see taking a year off didn't dull your skill set. Chase: I got lucky. Foreman: About the other night… I have enough problems with this job. Second-guessing my best doctors shouldn't be one of them. Chase: Why are you up here? You have your own bathroom and office now. Foreman: Shower. I haven't left the hospital in four days. Chase: Why? Foreman: House won't go home. And there's no way I'm leaving him here unsupervised. [Chase stares at him for a second then he smiles broadly.] Chase: House is screwing with you… by not screwing with you. He's watching TV and drinking martinis all night. Meanwhile, he's keeping you here searching for a plan that doesn't even exist. [He puts on his jacket.] Foreman: How the hell did I not see that? I'm glad you're back. [He puts on his jacket.] Chase: [thinks about it] Me too. [Cut to Diagnostics. The team is on the couch, which now faces the wall. House passes around martinis.] Chase: Either a hot tub or a sauna. Park: A hot tub would be cool. [The entire wall is covered with a shabby, red velvet curtain.] House: New team, old team… I present… Phase one of Operation Outer Office 2.0. [He pulls something and the curtain drops to the floor. The team stares at the wall. The wall that looks exactly like it did before House hired a construction team to remove it.] Adams: Nothing's changed. [House crosses to the balcony window, puts down the tray and martini glass and picks up a remote control.] House: Oh, everything has changed. [There is a whirring noise and the wall where the coffee maker and sink were until Orthopedics had the room rises. As the team stares, a glass wall — with Wilson at his desk on the other side — is revealed. Wilson looks around calmly. House salutes him with his martini glass.] Wilson: No. [Wilson goes back to reading the chart he’s holding. The team stares, transfixed. House pushes the button and the wall lowers as he smiles, happily, and takes a sip of his drink.] The End.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x05 - The Confession"}	foreverdreaming
Ben: Okay, boys and girls. Guess what kind of animal Wacky Benny's making now? Give you a big hint. (He crows like a rooster) [shts of the kids show yawning and boredom. The balloon animal Ben is making breaks and the children laugh] Red Headed Boy: Is it a dad animal? [Ben looks discouraged] Birthday Girl’s Father: I say we put him out of his misery and bring out Emma's cake. Birthday Girl’s Mother: He's so new to this. How's he gonna learn if we stop his act? [Ben tries to salvage his balloon animal] Red Headed Boy: You're a sucky clown. Ben: (trying to stay positive and upbeat) And you're a super-duper audience. [The red-headed boy is sitting on the floor right in front of Ben. He moves forward on his knees and punches Ben in the groin] Ben: (leaning down and grabbing the boy’s arm) Hey, that is not okay. Red Headed Boy’s Father: (running up to Ben) Hey, keep your hands off my son. [The red-headed boy’s father shoves Ben, who shoves him back] Ben: Tell him to keep his hand off me. [Ben stumbles backward and falls to his knees against the French doors. The birthday girl’s parents move toward him] Ben: I can't move my arm or leg. OPENING CREDITS [Scene opens on the diagnostics conference room. It is now furnished with a large oval table and chairs, a rocking chair, a comfortable seating area with a sectional couch arranged in a semi-circle around a small table, and another smaller seating area with just two chairs and lamp on a table between them. Chase, Taub, Park, and Adams are seated at the table. House is wandering around the room] Taub: So how does a completely healthy teenager have a mini-stroke? Park: Head CT and cerebral angiogram are normal. Clotting parameters are normal. [House rearranges a model of a human eye, which is sitting on a bookshelf, then sits down at the table between Taub and Chase and focuses his attention on Taub. There is a brightly colored diaper bag on the table beside Taub] House: You're forgetting the wrinkly clump in the middle of his shirt. Thought we'd diagnose the middle-aged clown first. Taub: (looking at House) It's probably from my seat belt. House: Wrinkle pattern's too varied. It looks like someone shoved you or grabbed you. Taub: (trying to ignore House) Probably from the diaper bag. If the patient's using drugs, cocaine could have caused an arterial spasm in his brain. House: The tox screen was clean. I'm gonna say it was the ex-girlfriend you cheated on, not the ex-wife you cheated with. If the latter was prone to volence, you'd have been scattered in various dumpsters years ago. Taub: (looking around at the team) Seriously? No one else wants to talk about the patient? New office furniture. Meaty topic. [Chase pulls his wallet out of his pocket and takes out bill] Chase: What's the action on the ex-wife? Taub: (giving in and explaining) It was Rachel's boyfriend Phil. His company's moving him back to Portland. He wants me to change my visitation order so he can ask Rachel and my daughter to move out west with him. Things got a little heated. [House makes a grab for the bill in Chase’s hand. Chase jerks it back quickly] Taub: The patient was punched in the groin. Could have triggered a massive sympathetic discharge. House: Carotid duplex is normal. Who's better qualified to be the daddy? The guy who spilled a little DNA in her gene pool or the guy who's gonna be there day and night to pass on important values like, not shtupping mommy after the divorce? Taub: I am her daddy. She's staying here. Park: House has a point. A couple nights a week with each kid may make you feel better. Doesn't replace two 'round-the-clock parents. Chase: 'Round-the-clock or not, parenting's an impossible job. No way not to mess it up. Why shouldn't Taub be the one to do it? Taub: Thank you? House: Makes sense. Park's tiger mom and dad were so insufferable, she has to measure their affection in hours. Chase's careerist dad and alcoholic mom were so indifferent, he has to believe it's a wash. (looking at Adams) Your turn. What did your screwed-up parents do to screw up your view of parenting? Adams: They were good parents. House: That's an oxymoron. Chase is right. All parents screw up all children. He's also dreamy, but it's not relevant now. Taub: So all parents screw up all children, but it makes some huge difference if I keep my daughter here or let her move? (returning to the case) Endocarditis. Flipped a piece of vegetation into his brain, which could have broken up before the angiogram. House: Transesophageal echo to confirm. Screwed up is your best case. Bouncing between a philandering workaholic dad and an embittered, sexually betrayed mom, it's gonna lead to screwed-up squared. [The team leaves to perform the test] [Cut to Ben’s hospital room. Chase and Taub are preparing Ben for the test. Ben’s mother and stepfather are present] Janey: Is endocarditis treatable? Chase: Very. The echo will show us any growths on his heart valve. Most likely meds will be enough. He won't even need surgery. Janey: He's just taken up performing and it's very stressful for him. Could that have caused this? Ben: It's not stressful. I have fun. Taub: Stress wouldn't be relevant, but anything that increases his adrenalin could have made it worse. Janey: Maybe we find you a new hobby, one you're a little better at. Ben: I'm gonna get better at it, and it's not a hobby. I-I think I want to get a job working as a circus clown, making people laugh. Janey: Ben, I-I don't think that's a good idea. Ben: It was good enough for my dad. Chase: (looking at Ron) You're a, uh… Janey: No, his biological father. Ron: Could his dad's melanoma be a factor here? Taub: That wouldn't be related. Janey: Ben, you barely knew him. You're such a smart kid. You could aim a lot higher than face paint and seltzer bottles. [Cut to House in a clinic exam room with a middle aged, overweight, male patient] Clinic Patient Monroe: I need treatment for my type 2 diabetes. House: There is absolutely no part of that sentence that is true. Monroe: I've been experiencing weight gain, fatigue, and sluggishness. House: Weight loss is a symptom of diabetes. Fatigue is a symptom of thinking you have disease you don't actually have, and sluggishness is a synonym of fatigue. Monroe: I need Insulin. I know it. House: Much as I'd like to kll you by dangerously lowering your blood sugar, mrder violates my parole. Monroe: (pointing to the printout of his test results) That bloodwork is week's old. Test me again. House: I am the test. The test is negative. The test also thinks you're a giant pain in the ass. That last insult was your cue to leave. Monroe: (pulling up his sleeve) Test me. House: Fine. Wait right here. Monroe: Thank you. [House picks up the patient’s bloodwork results and leaves the exam room] House: (to a nurse) Sleep study. Please make sure he's not disturbed for the next eight hours. [Wilson is standing at the nurses station writing on a chart. House approaches] Wilson: We need to talk about Saturday night. [House wads up the patient’s bloodwork printout and tosses it toward a wastebasket] House: No, no, no, no, no. Historians will talk of Saturday night, not us. The legendary night, on which we watch Santos shatter Rubio's jaw and you epically pay me $50.00. Wilson: I have a chance to really watch it. A patient of mine has a pair of tickets he can't use, and obviously you're under house and office arrest. I just wanted to make sure you were cool if I go to Atlantic City without you. [Wilson finishes writing and places the chart in a file] House: Uh, no, thanks. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to decline your invitation to not spend Saturday night with you. [House walks out of the clinic. Wilson follows] Wilson: These are ringside seats. House: Cameras are ringside too. If you want, I could sweat and spit and bleed on you from time to time. Wilson: I'd take you if I could. House: Well, I'd take me if either of us could. See what a tough spot I'm in? [They stop at the elevator and House pushes the button] Wilson: I'm going to that fight. House: All right, I'll take the other ticket. Let me worry about logistics. [House gets into the elevator, leaving Wilson looking confused] [Cut to House entering the diagnostics conference room. All four team members are gathered around the table] Chase: Patient's heart valves are normal. It's not endocarditis. But he has a thickened pericardium, which makes no sense. House: He has a heart problem but not one that could have caused his T.I.A. Adams: Syphilitic vasculitis would explain the T.I.A., and the pericardial inflammation. Park: Syph test was negative. Plus, the kid's never been sexually active. House: Yeah, I got that from the line in his chart that says "birthday clown." Taub: His late father was a circus clown. Chase: Histoplasmosis? House: He's not immuno-compromised. (to Taub) And I assume you added that irrelevant tidbit because you're moved by the son's idiotic tribute and think it justifies keeping your daughter in New Jersey. Adams: What if he has a heightened immune system? Taub: I mentioned it because… House: Take your time. We'll continue with the medicine. Adams: Sjogren's could have given him chronic pericarditis and cerebral arteritis. House: Sjogren's it is. IV immunosuppressants to treat. (looking at Taub) Anything? [Cut to Taub hanging an IV bag in Ben’s hospital room] Taub: This will calm your immune system. Should be out of here within the week. Ben: My mom will be happy to hear that. I've got an internship that starts in three weeks. Taub: I take it it's not at a place with a big top. Ben: It's at my stepdad's law office. I know I'm not any good at being a clown yet, but when I do get a laugh and see those kids' eyes light up, that's how my dad made me feel when I was a kid. Taub: You need to hang on to that. Ben: Heh. My mom says he was a loving father but, always broke and, always on the road. It's a stupid way to make a living. Taub: You're 16. Plenty of time to make money. Wanting to build a connection with your dad and pass on some of the joy that he gave you, that's not stupid at all. [Ben’s nose starts bleeding] Taub: Ooh. I got it. [Taub pulls on gloves, hands Ben a tissue, and puts a basin under his chin] Ben: (dabbing at his nose with the tissue) Is, uh, is this because of the medication? Is it normal? [Ben leans over the basin and spits up some blood] Taub: It's not normal, and it's not Sjogren's. [Cut to the team entering House’s office. House is sitting at his desk, facing away from the door] Taub: T.I.A., thickened pericardium, and now he's bleeding from his nose and mouth. [House swivels around to face the team. He is holding one of Taub’s daughters. He is stroking her hair as she contentedly gnaws at a teething toy] Taub: What are you doing with her? [He rushes up and takes his daughter from House. House hands the teething toy to Taub] House: "Her"? Surely this bundle of fun has an actual name. Taub: It's Sophie. Chase: Both your kids are named… Taub: She's Sophie. The other one's Sophia. It different enough. Adams: They actually have two completely different derivations. (When Taub looks at her, she shakes her head) No, they don't. Taub: I wasn't in a strong negotiating position. (to House) Why is she here? House: Ruby dropped her off. Seemed pretty upset. Apparently someone forgot that it was daddy's night. She wasn't even gonna leave her until I said that I was letting you off early. Taub: Damn it. I just started back on the team. My schedule's a mess. Park: If your own kids are a scheduling item, maybe you should let one of them move. Taub: Patient has low platelets. Makes me think D.I.C. [Sophie squeals] House: She doesn't seem to like that idea. You're right. (speaking baby talk) He has no schistocytes in his smear. (Chase grins) Park: He also has a low red count. What if it's a retroperitoneal bleed? Chase: No Grey-Turner's sign. House: (to Taub) She wasn't fussing like that when I was holding her. Maybe she likes the sound of my voice, which is weird because I have no genetic connection to her. (he stands) Could it be, she doesn't know the difference? Taub: So many children of your own. No wonder you have such insight into my relationship with my babies. House: Good point. How could I comprehend that you're too despised to keep them from having the same name, too overwhelmed to remember your own calendar, and too vain to admit that at this stage, you don't matter to either baby. [Taub bounces Sophie, attempting to calm her] Adams: Low white count suggests infection. House: What if you're all right? Low platelets plus low red count plus low white count equals… Chase: Aplastic anemia. House: Kid needs a bone marrow transplant. Everyone except Adams, transfuse his platelets till you find a match. [Chase, Taub (still holding Sophie), and Park leave] House: (to Adams) You started college a semester late because you left high school a semester late because (he pulls a small note our of his breast pocket and reads it) you had five incompletes in your junior year. Adams: And you're offering one bad semester as proof that my parents screwed me up? House: Did okay before that. Straight As after that. Adams: I went through a rebellious phase. House: Don't tell me. Mom and dad were at each other's throats and the academic crisis was a cry for help. Adams: Sorry to mess with your worldview, but I'm not messed up, so my parents couldn't have messed me up. [Cut to all four members of the team in the lab] Chase: Mom's HLA is only a 3/6 match. Park: Maternal grandmother's worse than that. (to Taub) Where did you unload the baby? Taub: Maternity ward. (Park grins) Shut up. Adams: You realize you're making House's argument for him. Taub: The part where he said any parent who uses day care should ship their child across the country? Adams: No, the part where he said that baby doesn't need you. You've only got her a couple days a week and most of that's spent with a rotating cast of nurses. Chase: That's how daddy likes to spend his time too. Taub: Shut up. Adams: First cousin's also a whiff. Park: So much for genetics mattering. I'll try the marrow registry. [Cut to Taub and Chase talking to Ben and his parents about the transplant] Taub: Dr. Park is searching the registry. Transfusing his platelets will keep him healthy while we wait. Chase: Are you sure there's no one on the father's side of the family? If one of them's a match, that'd speed things up a lot. Janey: His parents died young. He was an only child. There's no living relatives that I know of. Taub: Something will turn up soon. Ron: How soon is soon? Will he miss a lot of school? Ben: I'm actually thinking of just getting my GED. Janey: How do you expect to get into a good college? Ben: I'm gonna take classes on magic and juggling and try to make a go of this. Ron: Ben, you keep your grades up, you can do anything in the world. Ben: Like what? Work in some boring office? I mean, do you think my father would have done that for ten minutes? Janey: You don't remember your father. You don't know… Ben: (mimicking what Taub told him earlier) I want to build a connection with him, pass on some of the… the joy that he gave me. (squirming uncomfortably) My, uh, my back hurts. Uh. [An alarm goes off] Chase: His BP is dropping. [Cut to Foreman’s office. He is in the middle of an important video conference call] Man on Phone: We think we've dealt wit all the liability issues. [Foreman’s computer monitor shows the two men he is speaking with plus a smaller window with the video of himself. House leans into the camera range] Foreman: (looking back at House) I'm in a meeting. House: Sorry. Since you paged me, I didn't want to keep you waiting. Foreman: Yeah, I paged you, which means you're next. House: That's cool. I'll wait. [House walks behind Foreman] Foreman: (turning back to his conference call) That's a good start. Let's go through it point by point. First up… [House’s fingers appear behind Foreman’s head, making bunny ears. Foreman looks back at House, then back to the men he is speaking with] Foreman: (closing his laptop) I'll call you back. Foreman: (taking a large envelope from his desk) Just got this. The American Association of Rheumatology wants you to speak, 9:00, Saturday, in Atlantic City. Dr. Neusinger canceled on them at the last minute. House: I hate conferences. Foreman: This is a big one, and it's the premium slot. I'd like you to do it. I'll clear it with your parole officer. What do I need to do for you? House: Halve the clinic hours that you recently doubled and double the hooker budget that you recently halved. I think you refer to it as petty cash. Foreman: Fine. Just one thing. I'm gonna ask them to put you on in the morning. We're doing them a favor. Why should you have to spend the night? House: You said that 9:00 was the premium slot. I mean, I want to feel like I've earned my hookers. Foreman: The place will be a madhouse, especially since it's two miles from the Rubio fight at the exact same time. Nice try. You called up, pretended to be Neusinger, cancelled, and suggested yourself as a replacement. You go to that fight, you go to prison. House: But that'd be redundant, when I have an angry black guy waiting for me to drop the soap right here. Foreman: Better go do some of those clinic hours I recently doubled. [Cut to House entering a clinic exam room. Monroe is sitting on the exam table. He holds out a urine specimen cup] Monroe: Test my urine. House: Looks like I was wrong about my diagnosis. Monroe: Yeah. I have diabetes. House: No, but you're not a hypochondriac or you would have imagined some new disease after I sht down the first one. So whose urine is that? Diabetic girlfriend without health insurance? Monroe: It's not a scam. I'm sick. Now I have swollen ankles. House: The medical term is cankles. (sitting down on the stool) Is there some black market in insulin that I don't know about? Monroe: It's in my genes. My old man got diabetes at 50. My older brother, got it at 50. I just turned 50. House: Well, it's a great argument if diabetes was a gold watch. Monroe: I got sciatica, like my dad. Class-four hemorrhoids, like him. I need to get a jump on this thing. [There is a knock on the door. Chase and Taub enter the exam room] Chase: We had to stop the transfusion. Patient's having an allergic reaction to donor platelets. Taub: No one in mom's family's a match, and as far as she knows, dad has no living relatives. It's been years since he died. [House rolls across the room on the stool and takes Ben’s file from Chase] House: (reading the file) If the kid's dad died young of melanoma, how come the overprotective mom never took him to a dermatologist? Monroe: Are you gonna test my urine or what? [House gives the file back to Chase, then rolls back across the room. He takes the specimen cup, unscrews the lid, gives the contents a sniff, then takes a swig and swishes it around in his mouth. Chase and Taub look horrified. House swallows] House: Not diabetes. (turning back to Chase and Taub) Use cross-matched platelets. Try to find the patient some blood that's closer to his own. And get the real story on clown senior's death. Mom's hiding something. It's a good bet that it's medically relevant. [House drinks the rest of the specimen cup contents, and screws on the lid] House: Apple juice. Easiest way to fake a spike in blood sugar. [House walks out, leaving Chase and Taub still in shock, and Monroe looking guilty] [Cut to Chase and Taub talking to Ben’s parents outside his hospital room] Taub: His family history of melanoma may have affected his cellular outlook. Chase: If we had more data on the exact type of melanoma his father had… Taub: Otherwise, we might not be able to find a marrow match. Janey: He never had melanoma. Taub: How did he die? Janey: He didn't. He lives in Pennsauken, under a different name, Mitchell Gordon. Ron: How could you keep this from me? From Ben? Janey: He really needs to know his dad just breezed in and out of his life, drunk and incoherent? It's better to think the man's dad but decent. [Cut to House and Wilson sitting at a booth in the hospital cafeteria. Wilson has a sandwich in front of him] Wilson: You realize I have to invite someone else to the Rubio fight? House: Nope. No realization whatsoever. Wilson: You have a LoJack on your leg. House: I was happy watching the fight on pay-per-view. You're the one who insisted we go to Atlantic City. [House reaches for half of Wilson’s sandwich, but Wilson slaps his hand away. Wilson carefully cuts one of the sandwich halves in half and turns the plate so that the smaller pieces face House. House reaches past the quarters and picks up the sandwich half, taking a big bite out of it] Wilson: Your biological father was a decent, God-fearing minister. The guy who raised you was a cold-hearted jerk. I'm trying to figure out why you're so convinced Adams has parentally inflicted damage. House: You're trying to deflect. Wilson: Now you are. You have to believe that every parent screws up every child or you were screwed out of a decent childhood. House: My decent daddy of the cloth was also being indecent with my married mom. He probably would have taken other kids to the playground. [House takes one more bite out of the sandwich, then tosses it back on Wilson’s tray, missing the plate] House: It's not my fault. Bad parenting. (House slides out of the booth and leaves) [Cut to Park and Taub standing in front of a door in an urban area. The apartment appears to be above a liquor store. Park pushes the buzzer and a man answers the door] Park: Mitchell Gordon? Mitchell: I've already got a religion. Go away. Taub: We're doctors. Your son Ben is in the hospital, at Princeton-Plainsboro. He's very sick. Mitchell: Yeah, well, I don't have a son. Not anymore. Park: We know there are some issues there, but your bone marrow could cure him. Taub: There's a hospital two miles from here. It's a simple test. Mitchell: You said he was at Princeton-Plainsboro? Taub: His mother feels it's better to do the test at a different hospital. Mitchell: Well, I guess I don't have a son anymore. [He closes the door and Taub again presses the buzzer button] [Cut to Chase and Adams working in the lab] Chase: House isn't gonna give up. Just tell him about your parents or make up a lie. Adams: I don't want to lie. I don't want to validate his ridiculous theory. Chase: It's not ridiculous. Even the best-intentioned parents end up damaging their kids. Adams: You're a smart, successful doctor. How much damage could you have? Chase: You know how I got interested in medicine? When my mother drank, she couldn't handle me, so she locked me in my father's study. Only so many hours you can cry and bang on the door before you give up, find something to read. We all have family dysfunction. That's why we're successful. To fill that hole. Adams: My parents have a lot of money, but they didn't make it legally. Chase: White-collar crime? Adams: It started with card games. High-stakes poker. Then my dad got into narcotics, at first just selling but then, using too, or he never would have gotten into the slve trade. Children mostly. Easier to pack in small crates. Plus the shipping's a lot cheaper. [Adams reaches quickly over the counter and snatches up Chase’s cell phone. House’s image is revealed on the screen. He has been eavesdropping] House: (from the phone) Won't even trust a co-worker. What did your parents do to you? [Adams turns off the phone and puts it back down in front of Chase, who looks rather contrite] [Cut to Taub and Park talking to Janey and Ron outside Ben’s hospital room] Taub: (to Janey) You have to go see him yourself. He wouldn't even come to the door a second time. Janey: Okay. I'll drive over there. [An alarm starts beeping in Ben’s room. Taub and Park rush in. Ben is sitting up in bed. His breathing is labored and gurgly. Taub grabs a stethoscope and listens to Ben’s lungs, then taps his back] Taub: It's a pleural effusion. Park: He had a bleeding problem earlier. Must be bleeding into his lungs. [Park takes something out of a cabinet drawer. She puts on gloves and inserts a needle into Ben’s lungs. A plastic tube is connected to the needle. She holds a gauze pad under the end of the tube, expecting blood, but the fluid is yellow instead] Park: Except there's no blood. Janey: What does it mean? Park: It means you don't have to make that drive. The problem isn't his marrow. It's his liver. [Cut to the diagnostics outer office. The team is assembled around the table. House is sitting on the couch, the leg with the ankle bracelet is propped up on a small table. Kneeling on the floor next to House’s propped up leg, is a man who has inserted a metal rod between House’s leg and the ankle bracelet, and appears to be trying to remove the ankle bracelet] House: Liver failure. Explains everything. The question is, what explains the liver failure? Adams: It's not an infection. We tried antibiotics, but he's not responding. House: More curiously, what explains the mom lying about dad pushing up squirting daisies? Park: (referring to the removal of the ankle bracelet) This is how you plan to get to the boxing game? [House looks at Adams] Chase: Why are you looking at her? House: 'Cause I'm stunned, and I have to look at something. Match, bout, fight, contest, day, Helena. Almost anything works after "boxing," except the word "game." Adams: Your bigger problem is the people who design those things aren't idiots. Workman on the floor: Huh huh. House: Can you believe she used to work in the can? Nothing is tamper-proof. Taub: It's a synthetic problem. His liver's not synthesizing proteins, so fluid is leaking out of his blood vessels. And mom's a selfish jerk. She traded up, married a lawyer, wants to forget the lowly circus clown. House: You're defending the father because you feel like a jerk for baking buns in two different ovens. You want to believe the mythical biological connection excuses being a man slut. Ow! (to the workman) I don't know why I'm starting to doubt your expertise. You do have a classified ad and a piece of metal. Workman: It's temperature that sets it off, not force. The rivets go pop, I slide in the heating pad. Easy peasy. Chase: More likely the patient has a hyperammonemic problem. His liver's not cleaning out his blood. The buildup of toxins is causing everything. Taub: I'm defending the dad because he got screwed. After he lost his son, he lost his job. Been in and out of rehab, gave up clowning. Yes, as a parent, I empathize. I say we tell the kid. Park: He's a minor, the mom's his guardian, and it's not even medically relevant. Taub: She robbed them of 12 years together. House: Or she ripped off the band-aid too late. That memory that she let son of Bozo establish is making him chase his father's moronic profession when he could be living the high life in Portland. And I mean that metaphorically, of course. [The ankle bracelet starts beeping] House: (to the workman) This is where you dazzle me with your contingency plan. [The workman quickly gathers up all of his tools and runs out of the room] House: I see why employers are reluctant to hire ex-cons. [House pulls the rod out and puts it on the table. He gets up and, grabbing his cane, heads toward the office doorway] Adams: Well, what about the patient? Is the problem hyperammonemic or synthetic? Chase: Can't treat for both. One requires hemodialysis, the other a liver transplant, and we couldn't even get the kid a marrow match. House: Get the mom's consent to pump him full of protein. If it's a synthetic problem, more fluid will leak into his chest and his heart will fail. If it's hyperammonemic, toxins will overwhelm his body and he'll go into a coma. Park: Do you only like tests that involve the risk of death? House: There are some slower, less conclusive tests, but why take that risk? (He hurries out of the office and down the hall) [Cut to Foreman and two uniformed men following a radio receiver signal down a hall of the hospital. The signal gets stronger as they approach a door] Man holding receiver: In here. [They open the door to reveal House sitting on the side of a therapeutic whirlpool bath reading a magazine. He has his pantlegs rolled up above his knees and both legs in the water. He looks up as they enter] House: (acting surprised) Oh, my God. The water. This is completely my fault. (Foreman looks extremely angry) [Cut to Taub talking to Janey about the procedure as she prepares to sign the consent form] Taub: There are very serious risks, but if we don't figure out what he has, we can't treat him at all. [Janey signs the form and hands the clipboard to Taub] Taub: I may be a little out of bounds here, but in case there are complications, it might be a good time to come clean to your son, let his father visit. Janey: A little out of bounds? Taub: I don't know the history, but everyone makes mistakes. Your son worships him. Ron: Doctor's right about that. Janey: Oh, yeah? And when did he learn that? When he encouraged Ben to drop out of school? (to Taub) Mitchell is not Ben's father any more than a sperm donor would have been. [Cut to House sitting in the Eames chair in his office. His right leg is propped on the ottoman and he is examining the ankle bracelet. Monroe’s wife walks in] Monroe’s Wife: Dr. House? House: Unless you're a locksmith or an electrician with political contacts. I'm busy. Monroe’s Wife: My husband saw you in the clinic. Wants treatment for diabetes. House: My condolences on your forthcoming divorce. Monroe’s Wife: He keeps imagining symptoms, and now I have to make him these awful anti-diabetic meals. (She digs a couple of syringes out of her purse) House: Since I have no intention of testing him, treating him, or cooking for him… (He looks up from his leg and sees the syringes) Monroe’s Wife: Could you write me a fake prescription for Insulin? House: The advantage of fake prescriptions is, you don't have to be a real doctor to write one. Monroe’s Wife: Just tell me what's safe to inject in his thigh. His symptoms will go away and then I can show him he was never sick. Water? House: Imaginary medicine is not my specialty. I do have an imaginary colleague who's just sent me an imaginary page. (He picks up his cane and gets up from the chair) Imagine how sorry I am. (House leaves the office) [Cut to Adams handing Ben a cup full of liquid. Ben takes the cup and sighs] Chase: Still mad about what happened in the lab? Adams: I'm not mad. I'm being professional. Chase: You claim you're not screwed up. You may even believe it. But House doesn't and I don't, so you can wait till he camps out on your parents' lawn or you can admit you don't live on some higher plane and thank me later. Ben: My, uh, my eye feels weird. What's happening to me? [Chase and Adams turn to Ben. His left eye is round and popped out from the eye socket] [Cut to Taub’s apartment. There is a knock on the door. Taub opens the door to Ruby, who has come to pick up baby Sophie] Taub: You look tired. Ruby: I hate it when people say that. I know, I look bad. Taub: I thought you were gonna go to bed early last night. Ruby: Like an idiot, I went out with my girlfriends to pretend I have a life, (taking the baby out of her playpen) when all I did was flirt with guys who'd have no interest in a mom, miss the baby I couldn't wait to get rid of, and then get yelled at by my mom for staying out too late. Taub: You need your own place. Ruby: Yes. I moved back home because it was too drafty at the Four Seasons. Taub: So go back to work at the hospital. Ruby: Day care costs more than what I earned as a nurse. Taub: Have you considered sub-standard day care? Why don't you stay here tonight? (Ruby gives him a look) No. I mean, in the guest room. I'll watch the baby again, and you can get a real night's sleep. Ruby: You'd do that? [Taub’s pager goes off. He looks at it briefly then puts it down on the counter] Taub: Win-win. Mommy gets a rest, (He takes the baby from Ruby) Daddy gets more time with his little angel. There’re some sweats in the closet in the back. [Ruby smiles and heads toward the guest room. Taub holds Sophie up as he talks to her] Taub: Lucky girl. Gets another sleepover with da-da. It makes a difference. Doesn't it? [Cut to House twirling the metal rod the workman left behind. He is sitting in the outer office with his bad leg propped up on the table. The team enters, Taub in the lead] House: (to Taub) Didn't answer your page last night. Taub: Sorry. Battery died. [Taub, Chase, Park and Adams all sit down around the table] Chase: We got the patient's eye back in place with steroid injections, but a bulging eyeball means it's not a liver problem. House: And mom's determination to keep dad away, even as her kid gets sicker and sicker, means she's got more to hide. [House takes his leg off the table and leans forward] Taub: It's not diagnostically relevant. Let's let it drop. House: You just lost my vote. You flip-flopped on parental rights. Taub: I've been trying to persuade the mother, but it's her son, so it's her call. House: Well, that very evolved of you. Don't usually see Darwinian changes over breakfast. You made nice-nice with Phil. You decided that he'd make a decent father for thing 2 after all. Taub: I had Sophie again last night and Ruby slept in my guest room, which has nothing to do with Phil, who will never be a father to my children. Adams: Angioneurotic edema can cause rapid swelling. House: Hey, we're having a conversation here. No abdominal pain. (to Taub) So that must have been nice, having Ruby and the baby under one roof. Taub: Yes, it was nice having my daughter in my home. That's why I would like her sister to live near my home. Park: Anasarca? Chase: Swelling would have followed gravity. House: Isn't that getting this whole parenting thing ass backwards? Aren't you supposed to figure out what you can sacrifice to maximize their niceness? Taub: And do you think I should sacrifice myself from their lives? House: Just one life, until the other one's mommy meets someone nicer than you. Park: Swelling that fast and localized has to come from the lymph nodes. Burkitt's lymphoma. [The camera pans in for a close-up as House has a medical revelation] House: (to himself) Swelling. Cankles. Taub: That's not a symptom of Burkitt's. Are you saying it's… House: It's Burkitt's. Prep him for chemo. [House starts to leave, the metal rod still in his hand. He comes back, puts the rod on the table beside the cane, then picks up the cane and goes out the door] [Cut to Wilson entering Foreman’s office] Wilson: I think you should give House permission to go to Atlantic City. We'll stop by the rheumatology conference. Everyone's covered. Foreman: No. Wilson: The guy has earned the right to go to one boxing match. He's done everything you've asked… Funded and staffed his own department. Hasn't even broken as much as a traffic law. Foreman: You're right. Wilson: So, you'll let him go? Foreman: No. I get why he wants to go to that fight. I'd love to go myself, which is kind of why I have to stop him. My job is to be the jerk. House has to believe that I have authority over him. Wilson: He can't function under someone's thumb. Foreman: I know, which means you can't go either. (Wilson sits down across from Foreman) Your job is to be his friend, to stay here and sit with him and watch the fight on pay-per-view while bitching about me. If we both do our jobs, we might actually get him through his parole. Wilson: (pausing to consider Foreman’s statement) You're right. [Wilson pulls the ticket out of his breast pocket and looks at it] [Cut to Taub, Rachel and Phil talking in front of the Pathology department] Rachel: Sorry to show up like this. Taub: I was expecting a battery of lawyers. Rachel: No lawyers. Phil had something that he would like to say, so I thought that he should say it in person. Phil: It was wrong of me to confront you about taking Rachel to Portland. Taub: (to Rachel) You don't want to move to Portland? Rachel: Of course I do, but this is about your daughter too and I'm not gonna do something like this without your support. Taub: So you guys are trying to manipulate me by playing good cop/good cop? Rachel: Is that how little you think of me? It's clear you're back working for House. I will see you this weekend when you pick up Sophie. Taub: Sophia. Rachel: We actually started calling her Sophie. Phil: Yeah. Taub: Great. It's cute. [Cut to House in a clinic exam room pushing up Monroe’s pant leg and pulling down the sock] House: Cankles. [He turns to get something out of a cabinet] Monroe’s Wife: Is there some problem with the prescription you gave me? Monroe: I'm faint. I've been gaining more weight. I think I need a bigger dose. House: If you double his placebo, he might drown. (Monroe looks at his wife) Also, you forgot to mention that your heart rate is slow. [House puts the sensor of a heart rate monitor on the patient’s index finger] Monroe: My… my heart rate is not… (House holds the monitor up for the patient to see) 52? House: The technical term is slow. Those awful anti-diabetic meals you eat, do they contain bok choy? Monroe’s Wife: A pound of it. Every day. [House has taken the sensor off and returns the heart rate monitor to the cabinet] House: Bok choy has glucosinolates, which inhibit thyroid function and account for all your symptoms. Monroe: So this isn't diabetes? House: You have a bad case of irony. The food that you're eating to stop making you sick is making you sick. Monroe: Hey, maybe I don't have my father's crummy genes after all. House: On the other hand, maybe you're fat enough to get diabetes even without ‘em. (House leaves the exam room) [Cut to Taub and Park talking to Ben. Ben has a patch on his eye, but he looks a little better and is sitting up in a chair] Ben: I can't believe I have cancer. Park: We caught it early. You should be okay. Ben: I could die. I never went anywhere, did anything. If my father had lived, everything would have been different. Taub: Your mom and stepdad love you. They've given you a great home. That counts for a lot. [Ben takes a breath then the alarms go off] Park: He's crashing. Everything's shutting down. [Taub puts an oxygen mask on Ben] [Cut to a short time after the incident. Ben is now unconscious and in a hospital bed, hooked up to numerous pieces of machinery. Janey and Ron stand by his bedside. House and the team stand just outside Ben’s room discussing the situation] Chase: Renal failure, lung failure, heart failure, all before we started chemo. Taub: Burkitt's lymphoma is fast-moving, but not this fast. House: No rush. ICU stands for take your time, in Latin. Park: Multiple aneurysms? House: That would mean that every symptom after his T.I.A. was a coincidence. Adams: Cholesterol emboli? House: Bingo. Fits perfectly. Check the file, confirm that we did major abdominal surgery on him and then completely forgot about it. Taub: House. [House looks back to see a strange man entering Ben’s room. The man speaks to Janey] Mitchell: Hello? Janey: (approaching the man, whom she seems to know) What the hell are you doing here? Mitchell: I was told that this might be my last chance to see my son. Janey: (to Taub) You had no right! This is none of your business! Taub: I didn't. Ron: I called him. (Janey looks unbelievingly at Ron) This man's Ben's hero. Let them spend five minutes together. Janey: (angrily) No! (shoving Mitchell out of the room) Get out of here! [Mitchell turns and walks down the hallway] House: (to Mitchell) Wait. (approaching him) You sexually molested your son. Your walk, tabes dorsalis. You have late-stage syphilis, which you gave to our patient, presumably 12 years ago, which also explains why mom is not big on family reunions. Mitchell: I shouldn't be here. (He turns and walks away) [Janey rushes to her son’s bedside as House and the team enter the room] Taub: We tested him for syphilis. He was negative. House: After 12 years, the active infection would have died down. Everywhere except the arteries in his brain, where it could hide out from our tests. (As House talks there is flashback of the boy hitting Ben in the testicles, then a computer generated graphic of the series of events as House describes them) But when that six-year-old heckler punched him in his juggling pins, it kicked up the dormant bacteria in his pelvis. The immunosuppressant’s we gave him sent it into overdrive. The antibiotics we gave him actually started destroying the syphilis. But like pouring water on a fre, that led to a trail of toxic smoke and ash, which made his immune system overcompensate. Severe Jarisch-Herxheimer reaction. Ron: (to Janey) Is this true? House: Yes, Jarisch-Herxheimer is real. It sounds silly, but… Oh, you mean the… the… right. Janey: (looking back at Ron) I found stains on his clothes. He didn't understand and he didn't seem traumatized. I kept trying to talk to him, but before long, he'd forgotten, and he seemed… and he seemed happy and he seemed normal. House: So you made daddy go away and you made sure junior had no reason to go looking. Janey: I was just trying to protect him, like I should have done from the start. (to Ben) Sorry. (She turns to Ron who takes her in his arms) House: IV penicillin and anti-TNF antibodies, he'll be fine. Apart from the whole daddy-rpe thing. [House leaves the room, Adams and then Taub following right behind] Adams: We're not done. House: No, we are not. Notify the dad's sexual partners. Notify his employer, his landlord. Notify the police. Adams: I meant the kid. We're not gonna tell him he was molested? House: To make him miserable or to forfeit your license? Adams: To tell him the truth. He's a virgin. How do we explain the STD? It's a medical diagnosis. Screw the parents. The kid's our patient. House: I guess Taub's got a tough choice to make when the kid wakes up. Taub: Why is it my choice? House: 'Cause you're a dad. How could the rest of us possibly understand? [Cut to Ben’s room. He is now awake, and the machines have been removed. His mom and stepdad are with him. Taub is hanging a new IV bag] Ben: What was… what was wrong with me? Taub: It's called syphilis. Ben: Uh, you… you can get that without having sex? (Taub looks up at Ron and Janey) [Cut to House’s office later that evening. House is sitting at his desk when Taub walks in] Taub: I didn't tell him. House: (taking off his reading glasses) Your heart said he needed to know. Your brain knew he's better off without it. Following your heart is easy. Following your brain is tough. Especially after years of following that much smaller third organ. That's why all parents screw up all children. [Cut to Adams standing in the elevator. House gets in just as the doors are about to close] House: Evening. [The elevator doors close] Adams: Clever tactic, pretending you're not interested anymore. House: How could that possibly work as a tactic? The fact is, once I saw those incompletes, I knew your parents screwed you up. The details are just gravy. Adams: You're wrong. The only evidence you have is proof of something else. I ran away from home. House: Because you had lousy parents. Adams: Because I didn't. All my friends' parents were divorced or having affairs or barely knew their kids' birthdays. House: You envied their dysfunction. Adams: I-I thought it made them deeper somehow. [The elevator stops. House and Adams get off and walk toward the exit] Adams: It was stupid. I hitchhiked to Manhattan, moved in with an older guy. In two months, I came running home. It took my parents years to get over it. House: That's when you started to excel. You were making it up to them. Your parents screwed you up by not screwing you up. [They stop in front of the main desk] Adams: How does briefly wishing I was screwed up make me screwed up? House: It's normal to be screwed up. It's really screwed up to romanticize it. I guess that's why you wanted to work with prisoners. Adams: It's why I wanted to work with you. House: It was a tactic. (he walks away) [Cut to Taub standing outside the door of Phil and Rachel’s apartment. He knocks. Phil opens the door. Rachel, holding Sophia, is in the hall behind him. She turns and sees Taub] Rachel: Chris. Taub: Yeah. I need to talk to you and Phil. Rachel: (moving into the doorway) Is everything okay? Taub: Yeah. (stroking his daughter’s head) I can't let you move. Rachel: You drove all the way out here just to tell us what you already told us. Taub: I'm sorry. (He turns and walks down the hallway, leaving Rachel standing in the open doorway) [Cut to House’s apartment. There are two lamps on, but the rest of the apartment is dark. There is a knock on the door] Wilson: House, open up. I don't want to miss the opening bell. [When House doesn’t answer, Wilson opens the door with his key and enters] Wilson: House? [He puts the pizza and beer he is carrying down on the coffee table and takes off his coat. He turns on the TV, then picks up the beer and heads toward the kitchen. He pauses as something he sees on the TV grabs his attention] Television Announcer: Telecast, we expect an electric atmosphere in the arena and a sellout crowd of about 10,000, for Rubio versus Santos, two great fighters with illustrious careers who might have been expected to meet a long time ago. [Taking their seats just behind the announcer are House and Foreman. An astonished Wilson puts down the beer and sits down on the couch] Television Announcer: As for Santos, his handlers tell us that he's done more roadwork than at any time in his career, hoping to prove tonight that he can box for 12 full rounds. [On the television House and Foreman are seen toasting each other with plastic cups of beer. Wilson smiles, but doesn’t really seem that surprised] Television Announcer: Significant because Santos hasn't heard the final bell in more than six years. [Wilson opens the pizza box, takes out a slice, puts his feet up on the coffee table, and settles in to watch the fight alone] Television Announcer: He comes in with straight knockout wins and we saw how a power puncher with a left hook was able to cut Rubio over the right eye in the tenth round of that last fight. THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x06 - Parents"}	foreverdreaming
House: "Patuxent River Naval Air Station near D.C. was commissioned in 1943 by John McCain's grandfather." I'm thinking of going hang gliding. Park: Pax river is, like, completely flat. I think that's why they tested the V-22 Osprey there. [Everyone stares.] I like naval stuff. House: I like their oranges and lint. What looks like kidney disease, but isn't? [hands them files] And where's Chase? Taub: Root canal and Berger's. The first one was regarding Chase. Root canal, if done correctly, doesn't look like kidney disease. Foreman: [enters with a blue file folder] Got a case for you. House: [not taking the file] Smells funny. Foreman: Patient had an idiopathic anaphylactic reaction. It stumped two E.R. docs and an immunologist from Johns Hopkins. House: [picks up a red file] Patient went from asymptomatic to fried kidneys in less than a year. Stumped three internists and a department chair from Harvard. Foreman: 14-year-old girl, intermittent attcks. House: Four-year-old boy, consistently at death's door. [Foreman smiles and turns to go. House blows the smoke from his finger/six-sht and “holsters” it.] Adams: This patient died five years ago. [Foreman turns.] House: I didn't say which side of the door he was on. [With a flourish, Foreman drops his file on House’s desk.] The fact that he's dad makes it more interesting. Four-year-olds do not die of Berger's. {Foreman is out the door. House glares at Adams.] Adams: I thought it was relevant. House: Death is a consequence, not a symptom. If it's not a symptom, it's not relevant. [He picks up one file in each hand, weighing them.] Taub: Shouldn't we be trying to maximize what we can save here? 14-year-old, your freedom, our asses? House: [gets up] Right… save your asses. [He leaves, taking his file with him.] [END OF TEASER] [OPENING CREDITS] [ACT ONE] [Cut to the conference room. Taub, Park and Adams are reviewing Foreman’s file.] Park: She was in a car accident when she was two. She only had minor injuries, but her father died. Taub: That was 12 years ago. You think that's pertinent? Park: No, I think it's sad. She got sick in the middle of her 14th birthday party. Which is sad and pertinent. Maybe she was opening a present that triggered the reaction. Chase: [enters] Where's House? Taub: Pissing contest with Foreman. Adams: [handing Chase a copy of the file] Last thing she ate was strawberry cake, but allergy tests for everything were negative. Park: Do you like your dentist? I'm still going to my pediatric one. What's your dentist's name? Chase: [surprised] Williams. Adams: What if it's not an allergic reaction? Hereditary angioedema or systemic mastocytosis could mimic anaphylaxis. Park: You're not sure of his name? You just saw him this morning. Chase: His assistant's name is Angie. Her home number is… Taub: Normal complement studies. No skin lesions. Park: [leaning over and inspecting Chase’s hand] You had a manicure. This is fresh! You weren't at the dentist. Why would you lie about that? Chase: To avoid having this conversation. Adams: Elevated BP. What about pheochromocytoma? Taub: Or an anaphylactoid reaction, which could be triggered by certain opioids. Park: You've had your hair cut three times since I've met you. You can't be embarrassed about a manicure. There's gotta be a deeper reason. Chase: Did House give you homework? Adams: She's not on any meds. Taub: Haven't you heard? Everybody lies. Adams: And the tox screen was clean. Taub: Feel free to jump in at any time. Chase: We'll check catecholamines for pheo and run an expanded opioid panel. You see what the patient says about drug use when her mother's out of the room. [He and Taub leave.] [Cut to Iris’s room. She’s a soft-spoken teenager with a thick braid.] Iris: No, never. Adams: Nobody's here to bust you, Iris. We just need to know if… Iris: No, I already told you. I just take vitamin C sometimes. Adams: What exactly were you doing when you had your reaction? Iris: Opening a birthday present. The Magic 8 Ball. [Adams gives her a look.] The joke gift, not the cocaine. Is that it? [Cut to the hallway. Taub is talking to Faye, Iris’s mother.] Taub: Certain drugs could explain her reaction. Faye: What kind of drugs? Taub: What kind did you have in mind? Faye: Iris has always been a moody girl. And now that she's a teenager, it's gotten worse. So for the past few months I've been… giving something to relax her. Diazepam. [Taub looks exasperated.] I tell her it's vitamin C. Being normal is very important to Iris. She couldn't handle the thought of being on meds. Taub: Anti-anxiety medications would explain it. If we keep her off, she'll be moody, but healthy. [In her room, behind them, Iris leans away from Adams and starts vomiting on the floor. Taub looks.] Or it's something else. [Cut to Wilson’s office. House opens the door and enters.] House: I need to DDX a patient with you. Wilson: I thought you had a team for that. House: According to Foreman, they're only for DDXing people who are still alive. Wilson: You have a dad patient? House: Bigotry is boring when we add modifiers. I don't see creed, color, pulse. Wilson: Foreman will find out you're taking this case and he'll bust you. But you know that, which means… you want to go back to jail… because it's the one place you're unable to indulge your self-destructive habits. House: Yeah, it's much more likely that I'm taking this case because I miss showering with Cro-Magnons than that I actually happen to find it interesting. Four-year-old kid. His kidneys died, they transfused. His lungs died. He died. Wilson: Have you seen Bride of the Monster? I just got the Ed Wood box set. House: What if the chicken was the egg? What if the lung involvement came first? Wilson: I don't really care about the movie. I just don't want to indulge your… House: Lupus. Wilson: Because this is a bad idea, House. House: If the kid had a rash or some circulation issue… [He looks at his watch.] Damn! [Wilson looks startled.] I just realized I'm late for my anger management class. [He leaves. Wilson stares after him.] [Cut to a generic, self-help-group room. There’s a stage with a drum set on it. On one wall there is a large coffeepot. Gene, the group leader, writes “Temper Triggers” on the blackboard and underlines it.] Gene: Traffic, for sure. Dixon: Taxes. Gene: Definitely taxes. Lena: Spoiled grandchildren. House: Platitudes. [The others look at him. Gene shakes his head like he’s heard this before.] Gene: Any others? House: And I lose my temper when someone suggests that a handful of pop-psych catch phrases can control our most seminal, intractable, and natural reaction to a dad child. [He turns to a man who is slumped forward in his chair, elbows on his knees.] Am I right, Emory? Gene: I don't think Emory wants to share right now. House: They blew it, didn't they? They missed your son's rash. A faint one, on his cheek. Emory: [quietly] He didn't have a rash. I think we should talk about Lena's grandchildren. House: They're alive. Was he sensitive to sunlight? Emory: No. Gene: Greg… House: Cold fingers and toes? Emory: [sharply] No! [House thinks] [Cut to the end of the session. Emory and House are putting their jackets on.] House: Wegener's granulomatosis. I need to examine your son. Emory: You're a bit late for that… you ass. [He starts to leave. House follows him.] House: With you and your wife's consent, we can get an exhumation order. Find out what klled him. Emory: Ex-wife. And you'll never get her consent. She's moved on… new hub, new kid. She wants nothing to do with Drew's death. Or me. [He turns to leave again. House grabs his arm.] House: You're angry because your kid died. More than that, because you don't have an answer. People need answers. Emory: [miserable] He's in a crypt at St. Jude's Cemetery. [Cut to Iris’s room. Adams palpates her abdomen.] Adams: You feeling any pain or cramping here? Iris: A bit. But not just there, um… here. [She touches her chest.] Taub: Breast tenderness. Have you been having regular periods, Iris? Iris: Not really. Faye: What is it? Taub: I think we should run a pregnancy test. Faye: Iris isn't sexually active. She doesn't even have a boyfriend. Adams: Pregnancy would explain all of her symptoms. Can even cause some unpredictable allergic reactions. Iris: How can I be pregnant if I've never even had sex? Adams: We just need a drop of blood. [Iris looks down, distressed and confused.] Taub: What's the matter? Iris: My… my arms. I can't feel my arms. [END OF ACT ONE] [ACT TWO] [Cut to St. Jude’s Cemetery. House follows Milton, the ancient caretaker, down a circular drive.] House: At this rate, I'm gonna need to pick out a plot for myself. Milton: Thanks to your generous donation, you have all morning. House: More like 13 minutes. Milton: Before we proceed any further, doctor, I'd like inquire as to exactly what procedure you intend to perform on the remains. House: Have you ever heard of the North American Man/dad Boy Love Association? Milton: I consider these grounds to be a holy place, and I would ask you to observe them with due decorum. House: So you're taking bribes to plunder graves, and I need to show respect. [Milton doesn’t move.] I think they got the cause of death wrong. And if I find a hole in the cartilage of his nose, right about here, then it means I'm right. Milton: Please be respectful. [Cut to Milton opening the double doors to the crypt.] Milton: I prepared the sarcophagus for you. House: Thank you, Igor. Milton: It's Milton. [Milton leaves. House takes out a flashlight and looks around. Everything is stone and looks clammy. It’s totally quiet as House prepares to take the lid off the sarcophagus. The ringing of House’s cell phone shatters the silence. House jumps and drops the tool he was going to use to pry off the lid.] House: [answering phone] You owe me a new pair of pants. [It’s pitch black except for the occasional ray of light from House’s flashlight. He has put his phone on speaker so he can continue to work as he talks.] Adams: [voice] She is pregnant. Test came back positive. House: So… she lost the use of her arms and her innocence. A vengeful God? [He gets the lid off the sarcophagus with a clatter.] Or… Taub: [voice] Cerebral tumor. Adams: [voice] Vasculitis. Park: [voice] MS. House: [peering through the gloom at the body] I gather from the silence that Chase isn't there. [Cut to the conference room. Chase enters.] Chase: Nope, I'm here. Where are you? House: "Nowhere"… he said cryptically. I assume you concur with the diagnosis. Chase: Absolutely. House: Even though there are three diagnoses? And MS and vasculitis usually get better with pregnancy. Chase: Yeah, I was saying I agreed with the other one. Park: [rising from her seat to stare intently at Chase] He's had his eyebrows waxed. [Intercut between House in the crypt and the conference room.] Chase: [voice] I met a woman who likes her men well groomed. House: All over? [He inserts a metal tool in the corpse’s nose] I assume, from the silence, that Chase has had a Brazilian. Adams: Cool. Park: Interesting. Taub: Ouch. [In the crypt, House finishes examining Drew. He obviously didn’t find what he was looking for.] House: Question is… is this really about a woman? Or is it about something more profound? Chase: Another question is, could the paresthesia be caused by an STD? HIV-related mononeuritis multiplex. House: [shining his flashlight along Drew’s body] I gather from the silence that either you all agree with Chase or you're just staring at his emasculated brow. In either case, test for HIV and do an MRI to rule out tumors. [looks at his watch] And check Chase for testosterone. [The connection clicks off. House focuses his search on Drew’s fingers which are caked with dirt.] [There’s a loud banging noise. Cut to Iris in the MRI. Cut to the observation room. Adams and Chase are at the table, monitoring Iris. Taub enters.] Taub: Blood work was negative for HIV. All the money's on tumor. Adams: How was the Brazilian? Chase: It was fine. Hurt a bit. Adams: What about House's theory? Why'd you really do it? Chase: 'Cause I'm vain and shallow. Adams: And you weren't before? Chase: The girl I was seeing wasn't. There's nothing profound here. Taub: No tumor, either. It's not her brain. [Cut to the MRI.] Taub: [to Iris] Everything looks good. [Iris reaches over to rub her right arm.] Adams: What's the matter? Iris: My arm, it's… Chase: Still nothing? Iris: No, now they're sore. Adams: [puzzled] Paresthesia's gone. [Taub lifts the right sleeve on Iris’s gown. It’s covered in purple bruises.] [END OF ACT TWO] [ACT THREE] [Cut to an elevator. House, in his winter coat, and the team get off.] Chase: Could the bruising be caused by a physical trauma? Taub: You think she fell out of bed, repeatedly? Park: A blood disorder. Maybe thrombocytopenia. Adams: A vitamin K deficiency or scurvy could explain bleeding problems, and pregnancy could exacerbate it. House: Boys, do a home search. Girls, do lab tests. I'm pretty sure that's not sexist. [The team takes off. House turns to his office. Foreman, is leaning on a wall on the opposite side of the hall, waiting.] Foreman: Where have you been? House: Picking up dry cleaning. Filling up the tnk. Violating the dad. If you don't believe me, call the monitoring company. Foreman: I did. Unfortunately, the Patuxent River Naval Air Station was GPS testing and disrupted the signal, at the exact same 45 minutes you weren't here. House: Well, if I'd known I had 45 minutes of freedom, I'd have gone hang gliding. Foreman: I admire the creativity. But what happens when the stunt doesn't work? Think you're gonna have to pay off a bet? Think I'm gonna triple your clinic hours? I'm gonna call your P.O., and you're gonna go back to jail. [They look at each other. Foreman turns and leaves.] [Cut to House and Wilson in the cafeteria.] House: There are Mees' lines on his fingernails, so now I'm thinking heavy metal poisoning. Wilson: You're an addict. And I'm an idiot for thinking that your addictions were limited to pills, anti-social behavior, and sarcasm. House: [burps loudly] Sorry. Vicodin repeating on me. Wilson: You're also addicted to puzzles. You show all the classic behaviors. Lying, neglecting responsibilities, and you can't stop, no matter how devastating the consequences. House: Working on a medical case is not a parole violation. It's my job description. Wilson: Your job description is doing what Foreman tells you to do. House: Never mind Bride of the Monster. You need to watch Norma Rae. [Cut to a restaurant. The anger management group is at a table. House stands next to them.] House: Before we get started, I just want to thank you all for agreeing to relocate. Um, I had an appointment in this part of town, and I obviously didn't want to miss this meeting. But, uh, thank you. I'm buying. Not literally. Hey, Emory, should we, uh, powder our noses? [Emory follows House down a hallway that leads to a back door.] House: Hey, did you know your ex-wife still lives right behind this place? [Cut to House opening a back gate. Emory follows him through.] House: She finishes work at 4:00. Picks up her new kid at 4:15. Gives us about 20 minutes. I made some calls. It's amazing what people will tell you if you ask rudely enough. [points to a picnic table on the back patio] Was that table here? [Emory nods.] Some kinds of pressure-treated wood can contain arsenic. Emory: We shouldn't be here. House: We don't have a choice. This is the only way you're gonna get your answer. Does your ex leave a spare key anywhere? Emory: How did he look? [House looks at him. Emory is on the verge of tears.] House: Peaceful. [Cut to Chase in Iris’s bedroom. Taub enters.] Taub: Vitamin K deficiency's a bust. Fridge has more spinach and broccoli than a farmer's market. The Brazilian… you said it hurt "a bit." Chase: You've had one? Taub: More than one, and you haven't. They hurt all your bits. That's my dark secret. What's yours? [Chase continues searching the room as he talks.] Chase: I had the nails and eyebrows done, but that's it. I just needed to create a distraction, though. I met a TV producer at a dinner. She asked me to appear on the medical segment. Screen tested it yesterday and sht it today. Taub: You're a TV doctor? Chase: It's a one-off. Taub: When's it air? Chase: Two hours ago. Otherwise, I'd still be lying. Taub: [picking up the Magic 8 Ball] This is what she was opening when she had her attck. Will anyone believe Chase is an actual doctor? [He shakes the ball and reads the bottom.] "Don't count on it." [Chase is looking in a dresser drawer. He looks at the outside then reaches in and pulls up the false bottom. He looks at Taub who comes over. In the lower part of the drawer there is a stack of letters, a silver flask, some cards and various other items. Chase picks up the top letter.] Chase: She does have a boyfriend. Taub: Love letters. [He picks up the rest of the letters. Chase gets the DVDs that were under them.] prn. Chase: The nasty kind. trture, rpe… animals. Taub: Sweet kid. [Cut to a door opening. House, followed by Emory, enters the house. House goes straight to the kitchen and starts inspecting things. Emory looks around the living room, pulls a bottle from his jacket and takes a drink. [Cut to Emory steeling himself before opening the door to a room. On the other side is a typical “boy’s” room. Emory sighs. He sinks onto a seat and cries quietly as he traces Drew’s height markers along the closet doorjamb.] [House comes down the hall, looking for Emory. He finds him on the floor of the room with a file-size cardboard storage box open in front of him.] Emory: This is all that's left. One box in the bottom of a closet. [House joins him. Emory picks up a stuffed zebra and holds it to his face. House shows him a set of joke teeth.] Emory: Ohh. He used to wear those stupid things all the time. Used to have to pretend I was scared. House: Made in the People's Republic of Lead Paint. [They both look up at the sound of a car pulling up outside] Emory: Back door. House: [grabbing his backpack] Let's get out of here first. We need to catch the end of our class. [Cut to Iris’s room. She’s looking at the pile of letters Chase and Taub found.] Iris: I met him at school. He was the only boy that liked me. Faye: It's a little more than like. Iris: We haven't had sex. Fay: Oh, come on, Iris. You're pregnant. Iris: So I'm just lying about everything? Faye: [getting angry] Well, you lied about the boyfriend. You obviously lied about sex and this… garbage. Iris: They're his. He can't keep them at his place. Faye: Well, I'm glad we could be so accommodating. What else don't I know? [Iris crumbles and Faye relents.] Honey… what is it? Iris: He came here last night. And he told me I should leave. [Crying] But I didn't want to, and he got mad. Faye: He ht you? Chase: Physical trauma. Taub: Explains the negatives of the blood disorder. Faye: We should call the police. Iris: I won't tell them anything. Faye: That's ridiculous. He bat you! [Iris seems woozy. She looks at Chase and Taub who are very out of focus.] Chase: What is it? Iris: It's getting hard to see. What the hell is happening to me? [END OF ACT THREE] [ACT FOUR] [Cut to House’s living room. He and Emory are on the couch. House is pouring liquids into glasses.] House: Rubbing alcohol, vinegar. [He inspects the next bottle.] Not sure what this is. Emory: Aren't there actual medical tests? House: dad patients usually get a lower standard of care. Pink means lead. Orange means mercury. And rust means arsenic. [He adds another liquid to the glasses while Emory takes a swig from his own bottle.] Emory: And what's brown mean? House: Scotch. [Emory scoffs as House drinks the contents of one glass.] [House checks the contents of each glass. No change. He turns to Emory and they each sighs. Emory looks at the stuffed zebra on the table and gives a slight chuckle.] Emory: He used to call him "Deezer." He couldn't say "zebra." He'd have his own words for everything. We called 'em "Drewisms." House: How does your ex-wife do it? How come she's not… angry and miserable? Emory: She treated it like it never happened. She never even cried. Not even at his funeral. I was a mess, and she just sat there like… a statue. [Cut to the hospital lobby. Foreman is waiting for an elevator. Wilson joins him.] Wilson: We have a problem. Foreman: Does it limp? [The elevator arrives and they get in.] Wilson: Why do you care if he works on two cases? Foreman: 'Cause next, it'll be three cases, then four. Then animal cases and ghost cases. Then animal ghost cases. Assuming, of course, we are talking about House. Wilson: You're just setting yourself up to fail. Foreman: He has a lot more to lose than I do, and he knows that. He's rational. Wilson: No, he's not. Foreman: He's the most rational man I've ever met. Annoyingly so. He isn't gonna put himself back in jail over a dad kid. Wilson: He's an addict, and he will put himself back in jail over a puzzle. Foreman: He'll back down. [Foreman gets off the elevator.] [Cut to the conference room. House is there, Chase, Park and Adams enter and take seats at the table.] Park: Halfway through the perimetry exam, her tunnel vision went away. She can see perfectly. Chase: TIA. The word "transient" is right there in the name. [House chuckling. The others look over. House is sitting with Taub. They are enjoying something on House’s computer screen.] Chase: Ah, here we go. [House turns the computer around. Chase, dressed in a bush shirt and hat is standing in front of a studio wall. An inset picture of Australia says “DOCTOR DOWN UNDER.” House presses the play button.] Chase: Chesa, after giving the pics an eye or two, I can confirm that Lauren's surgeries cost her some big bikkies. Not only was there a gut tuck, nose tuck, and arse tuck, but her new, fake norks stick out like nuts on a mutt. [At PPTH, Chase ducks his head while Doctor Down Under gestures to ensure we know what “norks” are. Cut to the in-studio hosts, laughing. Back at the hospital, Taub smirks.] Chase: The original script was… House: Shh, shh, shh. Chase: [on screen] Anyone notice… House: [pointing at the computer] He's enlightening us. Chase: [on screen] That's 'cause he's retooled the ol' todger. Let's just hope no one cut the wrong wire, eh? [Doctor Down Under gestures and laughs like an idiot.] [Chase mocks their laughter as he comes over and shuts the laptop.] Park: So you just wanted to look pretty on TV. House: Question is, why did he want that? [looks at his watch] Clinic time. Taub: What do you want us to do? House: MRA 4 TIA. ROFL. [He starts to leave.] Adams: Thought you only had clinic on Tuesdays. House: Oh, you're right. [leaves anyway] [Cut to Exam Room One. House enters. Mickey stands.] Mickey: Hi. I'm here for the free flu sht. I got a call saying… House: I'm here to find out why you didn't care about your first kid. Losing a child… just breezed right through it. Mickey: How do you know about my first kid… House: Didn't even squeeze out a single tear at the funeral. Mickey: Where are you getting this? House: You couldn't wait to squeeze out a brand-new replacement kid. [She slaps him, hard.] House: Damn it. Mickey: You had no right to say that. House: I know. I deserved the slap. But I was hoping that you weren't capable of it. Apathetic hyperthyroidism. Could have kidney involvement. Could be genetic. Definitely causes apathy. I was hoping that your lack of emotion was a symptom of something you could have passed on to your first son. Mickey: [She figures it out.] You know Emory. House: We belong to the same club. Mickey: He wants to relive this. I don't. House: So I heard. Mickey: [uncomfortable] Emory was a wonderful man. Never afraid to show his emotions. Which is great, most of the time. But when Drew died… it overwhelmed him. I vowed I wouldn't let that happen to me. House: So that's why you left him? Mickey: I left because of his eyes. He had Drew's eyes. House: Who used to babysit Drew? Mickey: My father, but… House: His place or yours? Mickey: There are two types of people. Those who can move on, and those who can't. My father keeps up a good front, but he's just like Emory. You need to leave him alone. House: So he has two types of people inside of him. [House walks out, leaving Mickey standing there.] [Cut to House striding through the hall. He reaches Iris’s room. House: MRA was normal. Taub: Yeah, how did… House: [to Iris] I found out where your boyfriend lives. When I paid him a visit, he took off. Ran in front of a car. Iris: You're lying. House: He's down in the E.R. right now. Iris: Shut up, you lying sack of crap. Faye: Iris! House: How do you know I'm lying? How do you know your boyfriend's okay? Iris: 'Cause I'm right here, you dick. [END OF ACT FOUR] [ACT FIVE] [Iris’s room. Chase and Taub are talking to Iris and Faye.] Chase: Iris has dissociative identity disorder. Also known as multiple personality disorder. Iris: Are you saying I'm crazy? Chase: It's the mind's response to a severe trauma. A person experiences something that's too difficult to accept, so they create alternate personalities that don't have to accept it. Some think it's quite a natural reaction. Faye: Iris hasn't had any severe traumas. Taub: The car accident? Iris: I was two. I don't remember anything. These personalities that I'm supposed to have… Where are they? Taub: They only come out when you're afraid or anxious. That's why House used the hurt boyfriend story. Faye: But if there's no boyfriend, where did the bruises come from? The pregnancy? Chase: When you say your boyfriend ht you, it means you actually ht yourself. Taub: And the pregnancy… doesn't take a boyfriend, just a boy. [Iris sits, barely moving, trying to grasp all this.] You may not be aware of half the things you've done. Faye: How could this be happening to my own daughter without me knowing it? Taub: Diazepam was masking it. Taking her off made it more apparent. Iris: But I… I wasn't on… "diazepam"? What is that? Faye: That's what those vitamin pills were. Iris… I am so sorry. I just… I thought you were moody. I didn't want you to think you needed medication. [Crying] Oh, my God. I can't believe how stupid I've been. Chase: [sitting on a stool next to Iris’s bed] We need you to help us with something. Different alters can he different apparent symptoms. Allergies, paresthesia, vision loss, changes in blood pressure. Iris: Do you think I'm making this up? Chase: Your symptoms are real. But some are physiological, and others are psychological. Faye: So there's something wrong with her… in addition to the multiple personalities? Chase: Yes, but we won't know what until we access her alters and compare their symptoms. Iris: Well, how do you do that? Chase: Hypnosis. [Cut to House’s office. House is getting ready to go out.] Wilson: Foreman's not gonna back down. House: He's not an idiot. Wilson: Yes, he is. Just like you. If you keep being stubborn, he will keep being stubborn. Eventually, you will screw something up. Which will be bad news for both of you. But… only one of you will be in prison. It just isn't worth it, House. House: [quietly] Okay. [House tosses his backpack on a chair and sits down at his desk. Wilson sighs and leaves.] [Montage of House fidgeting, with the sound of House clicking a pen open and shut throughout. Cut to House’s hand, playing with a rubber band. Cut to his feet on his desk, bouncing his ball against the wall. Cut to his feet on the floor, jiggling his heel. Cut to him trying to concentrate on something he’s reading while he clicks the pen against his forehead. He has an idea and gives up on trying not to work on Drew’s case. He drops the pen on his desk and grabs his jacket.] [Cut to a suburban road. House crosses the street to a small, wooden house. He’s talking to his parole officer on the phone.] House: Uh, y-yes, sir. I… yes, I know I told you that I had a chiropractor's appointment, but, uh, I got a flat. I know, right? So… [He reaches the porch and rings the doorbell.] …you know, don't send out the marines. I should be back on the road in a few minutes. Okay bye. [He hangs up. A man in his 60s opens the door.] Dr. James Wilson, County Coroner. I'd like to ask you about your grandson, Drew Lemaine. [Cut to House looks at various craft figurines. A door opens and closes and Mickey’s father comes back in the room. He pours a cup of tea for each of them.] House: What did he do when he was here? Where did he play? What did he eat? Grandpa: We watched lot of TV. And ate biscuits. House: Did you give him sidewalk chalk? Grandpa: No. House: Finger paints? Grandpa: No! House: A sandbox? Grandpa: It's like I said. We watched a lotta TV. [A car door slams outside. House looks up at the sound.] House: You expecting someone? Grandpa: What? [The door opens. Mickey and her husband, Ray, rush in.] Dr. Wilson my ass! Mickey: I told you to leave him alone, you son of a bitch! [Ray grabs House by the shirtfront.] House: Temper trigger. [Ray punches House in the face.] [Cut to Iris’s room. Taub and Adams watch; Park takes notes. Chase, who did a hypnosis rotation in Melbourne, is talking to Iris.] Chase: Who am I talking to now? Iris: [little girl voice] Nobody. Chase: You must be somebody. Iris: I'm too little. Nobody sees me. Nobody knows I'm here. Adams: BP just went to 140 over 90. Chase: What is it? Iris: My arms. Chase: You can't feel them? It's okay. We can fix that. Do you hurt anywhere else? Iris: Not right now. Chase: But you used to hurt? Iris: When I ate strawberries. [pause] And when I remember… Chase: Do you remember being hurt? Iris: I remember everything. [A muffled car horn can be heard. Flashback to the car accident ten years earlier. There is a lot of broken glass. Baby Iris is wearing a parka and a pink hat. Her father talks to her. His voice is weak.] Father: Baby… It's going to be okay, baby. [Siren approach] [Cut back to Iris’s room.] Faye: [stroking her daughter’s hair] Iris? Why didn't you ever tell me? Iris: [back as her 12-year-old self, crying] It was my fault Daddy died. Faye: Oh, no. No. Iris: Yes, it was. I was crying and he couldn't drive. It was my fault daddy's… Faye: Oh, no. No, no, honey. Iris: Yes. Faye: You were just a baby. It wasn't your fault. No, shh. [Sobbing] Oh, baby. Iris: It was my fault. I'm sorry, Mommy. Faye: Shh. Iris: I'm so sorry. [Taub notices a spot on Iris’s blanket. He pulls it back and there is blood everywhere, spreading out from Iris’s pelvis. Faye gasps] [END OF ACT FIVE] [ACT SIX] [Cut to the conference room. Adams is writing on the whiteboard. There are columns with symptoms for each of Iris’s personalities.] Chase: It wasn't a miscarriage. Test shows she's still pregnant. Okay, cross out everything that doesn't appear in every alter. Taub: When she opened the Magic 8 Ball, that triggered a switch to a personality with a strawberry allergy. Adams: [reading the symptoms that haven’t been crossed out] Pregnancy, vaginal bleeding, and elevated B.P. Park: Could be pre-eclampsia. Adams: Worst case, could be an ectopic pregnancy. Chase: We need to ultrasound. [He leaves with Adams right behind him.] [Cut to treatment room. Chase is doing the ultrasound.] Adams: Not seeing an embryo in the fallopian tube. Chase: I'm not seeing an embryo anywhere. [Cut to hallway. Chase and Adams are talking to House who has a black eye.] House: Which idiot did the pregnancy test? Adams: I did one of them. Chase did another. Taub did a third. Three tests, three positives. What happened to your eye? House: I grabbed Park's ass. Exoplanets. Adams: I think he said exoplanets. Chase: Wait for it… House: We can't actually see them… but we infer their existence because of the effect they have on the star they orbit. Chase: Pregnancy test only infers an embryo's existence because of elevated hCG levels. Adams: [nodding] Which could also be caused by choriocarcinoma, which affects the placenta, mimics pregnancy, and causes elevated BP and vaginal bleeding. Chase: Occult choriocarcinoma, which is why we didn't see it on the ultrasound. House: Tell all the alters that they have cancer. [walks away] [Cut to House entering a lounge. Wilson is on the couch reading. He looks at House.] Wilson: Mom or dad? House: Mom, dad, and mom's dad. The good news is, made me realize that you were right. I can't drop it. But now that I accept that, I feel much less conflicted. I've ruled out Wegener's, Berger's, heavy metal poison… Wilson: Two trains are about to collide, and I'm trying to talk them out of it. House: Feels like I'm missing something. Wilson: No, no. You don't want to listen to me, then I don't want to listen to you. House: That is so fifth grade. Wilson: [sitting up] I agree. And you know why? Because I'm just as bad as you. I knew this would fall on deaf ears, but I just kept talking and talking. House: You're right. Wilson: You don't even know what I just said. House: That is ridiculous. You said, "blah blah blah blah blah, deaf ears, blah blah blah blah blah." Absolutely essential information. [He leaves.] [Cut to Mickey cleaning up her living room. As she stands, she notices something in the yard. She leans to the window and sees House crouched down, talking to her son.] Mickey: Ray… [yelling as she opens the door and heads for House] Ray! Leave him alone. What are you doing to him? [The boy whimpers slightly as she clutches him.] It's okay. Emory: Mickey… Mickey: You? You brought him. [Emory is standing just outside the fence.] House: I asked him to meet me here for a family reunion. Mickey: Ray! Emory: Let's just get out of here, okay? House: I know what klled your son. Mickey: You don't get it, do you? I don't care what klled him! House: It's called Alport syndrome. It's a genetic condition characterized by kidney failure, bronchial myomas, Mees' lines, and deafness. Mickey: Idiot. Drew wasn't deaf! Emory: [quietly] House… Ray: Son of a bitch! [hurtling across the yard and grabbing House] Get away from them! Emory: [trying to get him away] House, House! House: It's a genetic condition! Ray: Shut up! House: [loudly and enunciating each syllable] Genetic! [Ray and Mickey look at each other as what House said sinks in.] Your father has the gene. So do you. It's grandpa's slight deafness that gave the game away. You're apparently asymptomatic. You could still pass the gene onto your children. Plural. Mickey: [holding her son who has his face buried in her leg] You're lying. [House holds up a tuning fork. He taps it against his head and it makes a high, quiet sound.] House: [gently] He has high-frequency hearing impairment. [Mickey looks down at her son who has not moved.] And so did Drew. That's why Drew made up his own words. 'Cause he couldn't hear properly. It's okay. Now that we know what it is, he'll need treatment, but he'll live. [to Ray, who finally lets go of House’s shirt] There are platitudes that can help you with that. [Ray goes to Mickey and their son. A siren shrieks once as a police car pulls up across the street. Emory gives a few shaky sighs. House opens the gate and crosses the street as Mickey approaches Emory, finally crying.] Mickey: I miss him too. [House gets in the back of the police car. He looks at Emory and Mickey who are both crying as the cruiser drives off.] [Cut to Iris’s room. She’s asleep. Faye is holding her hand. Adams checks the IV bags.] Adams: She's responding well. [leaves] [Cut to the waiting area outside Foreman’s office. House watches as Foreman, inside, angrily paces back and forth. He is clearly nervous.] [Cut to the office. Foreman is talking to Wilson.] Foreman: Cuddy thrat him with clinic duty. I thought thrat him with jail would be different. Wilson: Not an irrational thought. Foreman: I'm still sending him back. Wilson: He saved two lives. Foreman: Which means it's too late for me to back down. It's no longer my choice. It's just me telling him he can get away with anything. I have to send him to prison. Wilson: [sighs] Your job is to keep this machine running. It's your choice to make House a useful tool or a monkey wrench. Cuddy's way didn't fail because she didn't try to control House. She managed him. She knew better than anybody what a tool he could be. [Cut to the waiting area. House is hunched over, fidgeting with his cane. The door opens. House looks up as Wilson comes out. Wilson gives him a significant look and leaves. Foreman comes out and sits in the chair next to House.] Foreman: [long pause] What would Cuddy have done? House: Ten clinic hours. Foreman: [sighs] Cuddy's not here anymore. You got 30. [Foreman goes back into his office. House thinks.] [THE END]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x07 - d*ad & Buried"}	foreverdreaming
-- Courtroom. Mike is on the witness stand. Tommy, the prosecutor, is cross-examining him. William, the defense attorney, sits at a table with his client. -- Tommy: And you're sure he didn't leave until after 9:00? Mike: Absolutely. We watched the Devils demolish the Rangers. The game started at 7:00. Tommy: Neither of you stepped out between periods, get beer, pick up a pizza? Mike: We stayed at my place. We were together the whole time. Tommy: And you said the Devils won? Mike: Yup. 4-zip. Kovalchuk had two, Arnott and Parise each had one, and Marty got the shutout. Tommy: I'm sorry. Marty? Mike: Martin Brodeur. Devils' starting goalie for, like, the past 20 years. He played awesome as usual. Tommy: Your Honor, may I submit the sports page from the New Jersey Chronicle on October 9th, 2011. William: Objection. Relevance. Tommy: Goes to the witness's credibility. Judge Foley: Go quickly. Tommy: Would you please read the caption under the photo? (Hands him the newspaper) Mike: [Clears throat] "Martin Brodeur stops 1 of his 36 saves on the way to a shutout victory." That's what I just said. Tommy: That the defendant couldn't have possibly committed the robbery because he was with you watching Martin Brodeur shut out the Rangers. Mike: Yes. (Hands him back the newspaper) Tommy: Thank you. Your Honor, may I submit the Chronicle sports page from October 10th? William: Your Honor… Judge Foley: This is what you call going quickly? Tommy: Just two more questions. I promise. (The judge gives him a look, but agrees) Tommy: Please read (gives him another newspaper) the highlighted text at the bottom of the page. Mike: "In Sunday's sports section, New Jersey Devils goaltender Johan Hedberg was…" Tommy: That's it. Keep going. Mike: "Misidentified as Martin Brodeur in a photo caption and box score." Tommy: (showing the newspaper to the jury) An understandable mistake. Given that Martin Brodeur was scheduled to start but bowed out after taking a sht to the throat in warm-up. Which brings me to my most relevant question. Did you and the defendant spend the evening of October 8th watching the Devils game on TV, or did you just read about the game in the Chronicle while concocting this false alibi? Mike: [Clears throat] Um… I… I, um… Tommy: Excuse me, Your Honor, may I approach? Judge Foley: You sure you don't want to wait till after he answers your question? Tommy: No. I'm gonna need a continuance. Judge Foley: (almost whispering) Now? You're one answer away from destroying their whole defense. William: Come on. Judge Foley: Oh, shut up. You know it's true. Let's finish this up. Tommy: I can't. Judge Foley: Why the hell not? Tommy: Because I think I'm having a heart attck. Judge Foley: Great. Call an ambulance. (Tommy sits on the floor, and starts untying his tie, breathing rapidly.) [H]OUSE m.d. (Foreman is reading the patient’s file on the table in his office. House is sitting in a chair, listening and preparing a snack, spreading jelly on bread.) Foreman: Thinks he had a heart attck but didn't. His EKG, cardiac enzymes, and catheterization are all normal. House: 'Cause it's an anxiety attck. Probably because he just turned 40 and still goes by the name "Tommy". (Takes a bite) Foreman: It's not anxiety. The E.R. Docs interviewed his wife. She confirmed he's been feeling fine. Nothing out of the ordinary at work or at home. House: Probably also believes that he thinks Salma Hayek's breasts are too big. Foreman: Which is why I had them admit him anyway and treat with alprazolam. No improvements. House: Because… Foreman: Because for some patients the diagnosis of anxiety disorder can actually increase anxiety, which is also why I told him he had a minor respiratory infection that was easily curable by the medication. (House gives him an incredulous smile) House: You lied? Foreman: I ruled out heart attck and anxiety disorder. House: Interesting. Foreman: I know. (Hands House the file) -- Cut to: Diagnostics. The team is reading the patient’s file at the table, while House prepares espresso in the espresso machine. -- Taub: Impressive. House: What, the wiliness with which Foreman ruled out anxiety or his complete wiliness-less-ness before he met me? Taub: The fact that you managed to smear jelly on nearly every page. Park: Shingles could cause chest pain before a rash appeared. House: (watching the coffee falling on his cup) Pain would be restricted to one dermatome. It wouldn't cross them. Taub: Asthma-induced pneumothorax would and might not show up on a posteroanterior X-ray. House: No history of asthma. Chase: (looking at the patient’s X ray) They did a lateral view as well. No sign of a pneumothorax or deep sulcus sign. Adams: I treated an inmate once with similar symptoms after he tried to poison his cellmate with chlorine gas. Taub: He didn't realize sharing a cell also meant sharing the air? Adams: Chlorine gas pools near the ground he thought he'd be safe in the top bunk. Park: Well, why would anyone try to poison our guy? Taub: He makes a living sending people to prison. Chase: But he's not in prison, and it's kind of hard to gas a guy unless you can seal him in a room first. House: (Sitting down) Which is why Arceus created a universe with 3 states of matter and 300 solid or liquid poisons that could cause his symptoms. Taub: Arceus? House: Look it up. And alkalinize his urine. Go search his home, talk to his wife, see if you can get her to tell us what she used. Adams: Wait, why would you think his wife poisoned him? House: Because dangerous people don't break into your home, they live in it. And although his kids are old enough to want daddy dad, they're still to young to do anything about it. Taub: Must be such a pleasure to live in your head. House: You're right. Kids might be precocious. (Pointing Adams) You handle his house. (Pointing Chase) You handle him and his wife. Chase: They (Taub and Park) get to just hang out and do nothing? House: If you need help, you can take whoever you want. Chase and Adams: I'll take Taub. House: Interesting. Adams: No, it's not. It was a 50/50 choice. I'm totally fine with Taub or Park. Chase: (Standing up) Cool. I'll take Taub. Adams: And I'll take Park. House: That was fun. Park: Not really. -- Cut to: PPTH Elevator. [Elevator dings. Chase and Taub enter the elevator, where Foreman is looking at some papers] -- Chase: Nice move, boss. Lying to the patient. Foreman: I had no choice. I knew House wouldn't take the case unless I ruled out anxiety. Taub: You need a girlfriend. Foreman: To keep me from lying to patients? Taub: To give you the excitement you need so you don't go looking for it. You're not working for House anymore, which means you no longer have him to blame if you get caught. Foreman: I'm not looking for excitement. I'm doing my job, part of which is to make sure House does his. Chase: Girlfriend might not be so bad. Taub: It's less dangerous than where you're headed. And that's from a guy with one alimony and two child support payments. (Chase and Taub exit the elevator) -- Cut to: Adams' van, on their way to Tommy’s (the patient) house. -- Adams: It's this new curve control thing. It automatically slows the car when it senses I'm taking a curve too fast. Park: You really think I care about your car? Or are you just trying to avoid talking about why you don't like working with me? Adams: There's nothing to talk about. House liked poking ant hills with a stick when he was a kid, and now he wants to do the same with us. Park: House is an ass, but he's an intuitive ass. He obviously noticed something. Adams: Yeah, the fact that we work well together. He thrives on conflict and is looking for someone to torment. Don't let it be us. -- Cut to: Outside Tommy’s room -- Olivia (Tommy’s wife): I don't see how that's possible. Tommy's the most popular guy in his office. He's even had defendants thank him after they were sentenced. Taub: Why would they thank him? Olivia: Because he doesn't treat them like scum. He makes them feel like he's helping by offering a plea or even just by letting them pay their debt and clear their conscience. And even if someone wanted to poison him, I don't see how they would do it. He never eats or drinks anything that we haven't made at home. Taub: Wait. You mean literally? Like, not even a bottle of water? Olivia: No. Taub: So he was obviously afraid of something. Olivia: Yeah, rats, mice, cockroaches. -- Cut to: Patient’s room -- Tommy: My first job out of law school was at the health department. If you'd have seen some of the kitchens or the processing plants I have, you'd cook all your own food too. Chase: Poison wouldn't have to be in food. Have you gotten any strange letters or packages recently? Tommy: No. Chase: You also wouldn't have to be at work. Tommy: We've got two young kids. There's definitely no poisons I could have accidentally been exposed to at home. Chase: What if it wasn't an accident? How are things between you and your wife? Tommy: [Laughs] Are you asking me if I think my wife is trying to kll me? Chase: Yes, I am. Tommy: Absolutely not. This is coming from a man whose eyes are wide open. I have prosecuted hundreds of despicable acts by husbands, wives, parents. I can assure you… Olivia (talking to Taub, outside Tommy’s room): I love my husband, and I would not ever even for a second consider doing anything to hurt him. -- Cut to: Tommy’s house. -- Adams: No pesticides, fertilizers, or fuel in the garage. You find anything? Park (walking down the stairs): No, there's not even a bottle of wite-out in this place. Adams: Maybe we should look again. Park: Maybe we should leave before the police get here. Adams: Well, even if a neighbor saw us break in and called 911, unless they said we were armed, it's low priority. We've got another five minutes. Park: He's a prosecutor. Obviously he knows a lot of cops. His house is not gonna be low priority. Adams: Good point. (Starts walking out) Park: (Looking at the bookcase) Wait. The dining room's on the other side of that wall. Adams: Yeah, so? Park: But it ends, like, three feet further over. Adams: You've got to be kidding me. A second ago, you wanted to run like hell, and now you want to look for secret passages? Park: There's a magnet on the fridge they use to open child-proofed cabinets. Go get it. Hurry up. Adams: (handing the magnet) Here. [Tapping] [Suction] Park: Holy crap. (They open the secret door behind the bookcase) -- Cut to: PPTH room. House is sitting in a couch, sleeping, with his face covered by a magazine. -- [Cell phone ringing] House: (answering his phone) Don't tell me. The jealous wife in the dining room with bipyridyl herbicide. Park: We didn't find any poisons. House: Well, you obviously found something. (Cut to the secret room) Park: Yeah. A hidden bunker with enough gn to defend Fort Knox. Adams: Or break into it. -- As the camera moves back, we see a very large room with a lot of huge SMG’s leaning against the wall. -- House: Cool. -- Cut to: Tommy’s room. Adams, Park and Olivia are standing beside Tommy’s bed. -- Olivia: That's impossible. You must have broken into the wrong house. Adams: Then you have creepy neighbors, because there were photos of you and your kids all over. Olivia: I-I don't understand. How could this… Tommy: I had it put in during the remodel last year. Olivia: But we went over the plans together. Tommy: It's not in the plans. I didn't want the city to know about it. I'm sorry. I should have told you. I just… I didn't want you and the kids to worry. Olivia: About what? Tommy, what is it? Why would you think you needed so many gn? -- Cut to: Clinic. House carries a lot of patient’s files. Adams, Taub, Chase and Park walk in. -- Adams: You're not gonna believe this. House: Imperio absenti chaos regit. He's worried that "too big to fail" applies to our banks but not our government. Adams: How'd you know? House: Because that's what every idiot with a bunker full of asault rfles is scared of. (Calling) Heather Sweeney. (Heather Sweeney stands up) Uh, it'll just be a couple of minutes till someone's ready to see you. Chase: Maybe it's not stupidity. It's a symptom. Cocaine abuse can cause paranoia and chest pain. Park: This isn't necessarily paranoia. Societies do fall apart. Look what happened with London and the riots. Chase: There's a difference between an isolated riot and the fall of civilization. House: April Donaldson. (She raises her hand) Sorry. Misspoke. Park: Imagine what would happen if there was a trror1st attck on the food supply or a pandemic where we had to ration antibiotics. Adams: That's ridiculous. House: Ouch. Adams: Oh, shut up. We know what you're trying to do, and it's not gonna work. Park: (To Adams) It was a little harsh. Adams: Stop being so… Park: What? Paranoid? House: You're gonna look pretty foolish if that was the wrong guess. Adams: (To Park) I think you're a good person and a fine doctor, but it's ridiculous to think anyone needs an arsenal of asault wapon, he's obviously paranoid. What about Fahr's disease? Park: He's not hallucinating. Adams: As far as we know. We should do a mental status examination and get a CT of his basal ganglia. Park: No, we shouldn't. If it's not poison, it's most likely atrial fibrillation brought on by hyperthyroidism or sleep apnea. House: (Simulating spitting tobacco, and talking in a Southern accent) Looks like we got ourselves a good, ol'-fashioned cat fight. Adams: No, we don't. We have a reasoned disagreement. House: Still there's only one way to settle this. Actually there's two, but we don't have enough Jell-O for the first. Mini-mental, CT, and get a hair sample to check for past cocaine use. Check his TSH levels and get a sleep study. (To Taub) Sorry, we got to make it a fair fight, which means you're stuck with her. Park: He's not "stuck" with me. Adams: And it's not a fight. (The team walks out) House: (To a busty lady waiting in the clinic) Uh, excuse me, miss, what is your name? Lady: Mariel Wilkerson. House: Huh. You don't look like a Mariel. You're up. (She smiles, and they walk to the clinic room. House shuts the blinds) -- Cut to: Lab. Taub and Park are running the tests. -- Park: So what do you think — is the patient paranoid or am I? Taub: I don't think stockpiling wapon is the most reasoned response, but, given what I've seen at Bloomingdale's on Black Friday, I wouldn't say it rises to the level of mental illness. Park: And me? Taub: Again, given what I've seen at Bloomingdale's… Don't let House get to you. Park: It's all of you. I feel like you don't respect me. Chase certainly doesn't try to hide it. Taub: Chase respects you. He's just more comfortable working with me because he's known me longer. And I'm not just saying that because you own a gn. Park: I don't own a gn. I've thought about it, but I'd probably end up sh*ting someone in my own family, like when my brother tosses his toenail clippings behind the couch. What about you? Taub: If anarchy breaks out, I plan to do what my ancestors have done throughout the ages — run. Foreman (walks in): Sounds like a good plan. You got a moment? (Taub and Foreman go outside) Forman: Stop telling the nurses I'm looking for a girlfriend. Taub: What makes you— Foreman: Two lunch offers and a box of cupcakes since this morning. Taub: So a few people are nice to you, and your first thought is, "Hmm, this seems strange." I haven't even had enough time to eat my own lunch, much less run around trying to recruit nurses for you. So, can I get back to work? (Foreman walks away) Park: You're lying, aren't you? Taub: It's for his own good. -- Cut to: Cafeteria. House and Wilson are getting lunch. -- House: He's not paranoid. He's just stupid. Wilson: Well, shouldn't you put yourself in that group? You own a gn. House: Our patient doesn't own a gn. He owns an arsenal. And I don't own a gn. Wilson: Yes, you do. And you're a felon, so you'll end up back in jail— House: That is actually not one of the many reasons that I don't own a gn. Why would I need a gn? The only thing I own worth protecting a thief would need a crane to get out of my apartment. Wilson: You don't own anything you need. You own things you want. And you're definitely the type who'd want a gn. You like anything dangerous — monster trucks, motorcycles, fireworks. House: Everyone loves fireworks. Wilson: Watching them, not making them. House: I'm telling the truth. Wilson: I stand corrected. House: If you believe me, then this issue will be resolved with no further action necessary. Wilson: Absolutely. House: It's not resolved, is it? Wilson: Not even close. -- Cut to: X-ray room. Adams is looking at some x-rays. -- Chase: [Door opens] It's not cocaine. Hair samples were clean. Adams: It's not looking good for Fahr's either. I'm not seeing any calcifications. Chase: You sure? They can be pretty hard to detect in people under 50. Adams: (Pointing) See? Chase: What? Adams: We all disagree all the time. It's not just me and Park. Chase: Nice try, but I'm not getting in the middle. Adams: So why didn't you want to go with her this morning? Chase: She's weird. Adams: She's not weird. She's a good doctor. Chase: Most good doctors are weird. Look at House. Adams: Am I weird? Chase: Yeah, but you're hot, so it's easier to put up with. (She gives him a look) You're completely normal and a pleasure to deal with. Adams: You're weird. Chase: In a good way? Adams: Maybe we should just concentrate on the medicine. Chase: You own any gn? Adams: That's not medicine. Chase: But it's related to medicine. Kind of. Adams: What do you think? Chase: Yeah, but not for protection. Despite what the media would have us believe, you think we live in a very safe world. You just think they're fun. Adams: How did you know? Chase: Working in prison, you learned criminals rarely target random strangers, and you've got more money than you know what to do with, so anything that seems different and fun's worth trying. Adams: And you? Chase: Not here in the States. Back home, I keep a few for hunting 'roos. Adams: You hunt kangaroos? But they're so cute. Chase: They're also delicious. Adams: You're screwing with me. Chase: Totally. There's no calcification. Looks like we're both wrong. -- Cut to: Test room. -- Park: You don't need to stay. We won't have the results until the morning. Olivia: It's okay. I'll stay. Tommy: Go. I'm sure your mother's ready for a break by now, huh? Give the kids a kiss for me. Olivia: You think it's the end of the world, but you wanted kids. Tommy: Oh, honey, come on. I don't think the world's coming to an end. Look… (Takes her hand) You have a spare tire in your car, right? That's what those gn are. I mean, I hope to God I never have to use one. But if we can wake up and learn that the entire bank system has gone bankrupt overnight, it just seems stupid not to have a jack in the trunk. Just in case. Olivia: And you've always— Park: What's that from? Tommy: I don't know. (Tommy has a small wound in his leg) Park: You don't feel that? Tommy: No. -- Cut to: Diagnostics. The team’s on the table. -- Adams: He also spiked a fever overnight. It could be TB. House: You want to say it? Park: Say what? Chase: There's no sign of atelectasis or infiltrates on the chest X-ray. House: Yeah. It's med-speak for she's an idiot. Taub: Systemic sclerosis can cause lower extremity ulcers. Park: It would have to be pretty far along. His first symptom was just a few days ago. Adams: His paranoia started at least a year ago. Park: If he's paranoid. House: So it's either not sclerosis or it's extremely aggressive sclerosis. Taub: We should biopsy the skin lesion and start him on enoxaparin. Park: Shouldn't we wait for the biopsy results before we start treatment? House: (To Adams) Now's your chance. She's leading with her chin. Adams: I agree with her. House: No, you don't. Which means you're both idiots. Get to work. (The team exit Diagnostics, but Park follows House to his office) Park: I know you don't think I'm an idiot. House: [Reaching for his Vicodin. Drawer shuts] Does it matter? Park: If you're just looking to amuse yourself at my expense, then no. But if you feel the need to manipulate me to make me useful, then yes. I thought we'd gotten past that. House: If we hadn't gotten past that, you wouldn't be here. But ability isn't always enough. Just ask Yngwie Malmsteen. Park: So this is you trying to help me? House: No, this is me helping me. And amusing myself at your expense. Which brings us back to, why do you care? Park: I deserve respect. I'm a good doctor. House: People respect you. (Walks out) They just don't like you. -- Cut to: Tommy’s room. -- Chase: Where's your wife? Tommy: She just needed some time. Chase: Not a fan of gn I take it. Tommy: It's not the gn. It's… I shouldn't have lied about it. Taub: I'm guessing it's a little of both. And a little of, "Who the hell is this guy?" Tommy: I'm not a nutcase. I just want to do everything I can to protect my family. Chase: Don't worry. I'm sure she’ll understand. -- Cut to: Clinic room. -- Guy in the clinic: At first, I thought it might be frostbite, but I haven't really been out in the cold. House: And yet your first thought was frostbite? Guy: Yeah, I guess I was just going by how it looks. House: It looks absolutely nothing like frostbite. Guy: You serious? House: With some difficulty. Guy: Then what is it? House: A sign that you need to take a long vacation. At least a month. Guy: A vacation? Wait, is this like a bucket list thing? It's cancer… House: It's silver. I'm guessing silver nitrate mixed with petroleum jelly that your boss put on the petty cash so he'd know who to have arrested for stealing it. Guy: Damn. House: Yeah, damn. [Pager beeps] It's diffused into your skin, and the only way to get rid of it is to get new skin. That normally happens every 30 days. (Starts walking out) So, I hear that La Crosse, Wisconsin has got the world's largest beer can. (Exits) -- Cut to Clinic. Regina, the nurse, is talking to Foreman -- Regina: Here's the per diem schedules. Foreman: These are supposed to be in the computer files. Regina: Sorry. Since Claudine left, no one's been inputting the numbers. House: I miss Claudine. Regina: She left because of you. House: I thought that was Nadine. (Leaves the patient’s file on a desk) Regina (to Foreman): Her too. Foreman (to House): Where are you going? You still have an hour left. House: Emergency page takes precedence. (Walks out) Foreman (to the nurse): Can you— Regina: I don't know how to use the program. Foreman: Then find someone who does. I got to get out of here. -- Cut to: House’s department. As House enters, we see Wilson hanging inside a big net, looking angry. -- House: Got your page. Wilson: You're an ass. House: Admit it. Wilson: Let me down. House: After you admit it. (Wilson stays quiet) You know, I'm a little tired. I think I'm gonna— Wilson: All right, I admit it. Despite the fact that I know there's a gn in here, I'd never find it because you are more devious— House: Clever. Wilson: Devious. [House yawns] Wilson: All right, fine, clever. More clever and you'll always be one step ahead of me. -- Cut to: Gym. Foreman is punching a boxing bag. -- [His phone beeps. He picks it up, sees who it is and starts removing his boxing gloves. A beautiful woman approaches him.] Anita: You're either preparing to fight Pacquiao or you're having one heck of a bad day. I'm Anita. Foreman: Eric. Nice to meet you. And you can tell Taub that he's gonna get the same treatment as this heavy bag if he doesn't cut this crap out. Anita: Who's Taub? Foreman: You know, I'm sure you're a nice person and you have no idea what you've gotten sucked into, but, really, I'm not interested. Anita: Okay, and I'm sure you're a nice person, but I just moved from Atlanta, and it's my first time at this gym, so definitely don't know who this Taub guy is, but I already agree. He's a jerk. [Laughs] Are you sure you don't want to start over? Take your time. I'll be around. (Walks away) -- Foreman returns the call he missed on his cell phone -- Foreman: Taub, it's Foreman. Taub: I can't talk now, I’m a little busy. Foreman: What's going on? [Shouting] -- Cut to Tommy’s room, where he’s gone berserk. He pushes Chase away and throws a chair at the glass wall, breaking it. -- Chase: Need some droperidol in here! Taub: I gotta go! (Hangs up) -- Cut to: outside Tommy’s room. The team is standing by the broken glass door, looking at Tommy, now asleep. -- Taub: He was hallucinating he was being attcked by bears. Adams: Points again to paranoia. Park: I agree. Except for the "again". Acute onset points to tularemia. Adams: Or it's been chronic, which points to GAD autoimmunity. Explains the neurological impairment as well as the normal blood work. Park: Tularemia doesn't always show up in blood work either. Chase: You know what else doesn't show up in the blood work? Nothing. This could be all psychiatric. An untreated schizoid disorder he's finally lost the ability to suppress. Park: Schizophrenia doesn't cause skin ulcers or fevers. Chase: No, but digging delusions out of your skin with dirty fingernails could cause both. Park: I don't think he's a psych case. House: Because you're paranoid about paranoia. Park: Because his symptoms point towards an infection that spread to his brain. I think we should treat with high-dose, broad-spectrum— Adams: which will kll him if it's a GAD autoimmunity. House: Treat for GAD. Corticosteroids and IV immunoglobulin. (Walks away, Park follows him) Park: I'm not paranoid. And they don't dislike me. They don't even really know me. House: They tell you that? Park: I didn't ask because you wouldn't believe the answer. House: It makes you feel better to think that. Park: You're the one everyone dislikes. You probably don't even think it's GAD. You're just agreeing with her because you think it'll create more conflict between us. House: There's only one way to find out. Actually, there's two but we're still waiting for that Jell-O delivery. Let me know how it goes. (Walks away) -- Cut to: House’s apartment. House walks in, and notices something. He sees a thread tied in the doorway of the kitchen, a few inches above the floor. Looks around, and sees the closet door open. He grabs his cane, takes cover behind a wall, and pulls the thread. A net fires from inside the kitchen. -- Wilson: (comes out of the closet running, with a roll of duct tape in his hand) Gotcha! House: You poor dumb bastard. -- House gets Wilson out of his apartment, and hands him his net. House walks to his bathroom, and as he closes the door, the handle comes off. He checks the other door, but it’s locked. He kneels at the door and tries to grab the outside handle. It falls on the floor. A foot kicks it to one side. It’s Wilson, who has returned. He kneels and looks at House through the hole. -- House: Touché. -- Cut to: Anita’s department. Foreman and Anita walk in, and start making out. -- Anita: [Giggles] Mm. [Sighs] God, this is exactly what I needed. Foreman: Tell me about it. Man (inside a room): Anita. Foreman: Oh my God. Who is that, your roommate? Anita: It's just you have to go. Foreman (walking out): Wait a minute, what's the big deal? Anita: Please. I'll explain later. Just hurry up. Please. Foreman: You have a boyfriend? Anita: No, he's not my boyfriend. He's my husband. I'm really sorry. (Shuts the door) Anita (from inside): Hey! I thought you weren't getting back till tomorrow. -- Cut to: Tommy’s room. Adams and Park are talking to House through the phone’s speaker, and House is listening, still inside his bathroom. -- Park: His fever's going through the roof, which means we were wrong about GAD and the steroids kicked the infection into high gear. Adams: Or it's GAD, and we started treatment too late. House: Increase the steroid dose. Park: We can't. If it's an infection, we'll kll him for sure. House: With neurological symptoms progressing this fast, he's dad either way. If we increase the steroids, then either death comes slower, which means we were too late with the GAD, or death comes faster, which means we were too stupid with the infection. Park: We were already stupid with the infection, but it's not too late. He's young, and he was perfectly healthy two days ago. He can fight this off if we give him a chance. House: Fine. But a gn is not gonna work. We need a snper rfle. Start running DNA assays for sporotrichosis, meningococcemia, and any other boggle-winning words you can think of. Adams: You just said you wanted to increase the steroids, and now you want to just— House: I changed my mind. Adams: But— House: Do what Park says. (Hangs up. Wilson opens the bathroom door. He has a metal detector in his hand.) [Rattling] Wilson: Well, you don't have a gn, but you do have my sunglasses, my tennis racket — I can't imagine why… House: Had to kll a mouse. It was really hard with those stupid little sunglasses. Wilson: And my money clip. House: Was there any money in it? Wilson: Not anymore. House: Can I go to bed now? Or do you want to do a cavity search? Lock up on your way out. -- Cut to: Lab. -- Adams: This is ridiculous. Every moment we waste looking for a phantom infection is time we could be treating him. Park: For the wrong diagnosis. If it was GAD, he'd be having seizures. Adams: If it was infection, there would be some sign of it in his blood or CNS. Which there isn't. Park: Yet. Chase: I'm beginning to think we should just go with House's idea. Taub: This was House's idea. He said— Chase: No, I'm talking about the Jell-O. At least it wouldn't be so annoying to watch. [Door opens] Foreman: Taub, you got a minute? (They walk out) You're an ass. You know that? Taub: What's the problem? Some cute young nurse baked you cookies? Foreman: No, some guy almost caught me making out with his wife in their living room. Taub: And how exactly is that my fault? Foreman: If you hadn't been screwing with me and put the idea in my head… Taub: So you don't date anyone unless I put the idea in your head. You really do need psychiatric help. Foreman: Unlike you, I don't need drama. I like my job, and I'm happy with my life. Taub: You're so happy with your life you've got nothing better to do at midnight than to come back into work to yell at me? Foreman: Stay out of my business. (Walks away) Taub: You're blaming the wrong guy! (Chase is staring at him) Good for him. Married one's not a keeper, but it's a start. Chase: You're an idiot. [Pagers beeping] [Monitor alarm blaring] Taub and Chase rush to Tommy’s room. Nurse: He has stridor but no obstruction. Chase: He's anaphylaxing. Get me a trach kit. Scalpel. (Makes a little cut in Tommy’s throat and inserts a trach tube.) It's not working. There's no breath sounds. It doesn't make any sense. Taub: His trachea's blocked below the incision point. We need racemic epinephrine. Nurse: We tried that already. Taub: We're gonna try again. It's our only choice. -- Cut to: Outside Tommy’s room. The team’s looking at him, and House walks towards them.-- Chase: We got him breathing, but barely. Adams: At least we know tracheal edema isn't from anything we did because we're not doing anything. Taub: Which is a good thing, because neither GAD nor systemic infection would cause anaphylaxis or tracheal edema. Park: And an allergic reaction wouldn't get worse three days after he was admitted. Chase: So we've got nothing. House: Unless he was still being poisoned. Adams: By who? His wife wasn't even here when he hallucinated. House: Good question. Adams: Now we're the ones being paranoid. Park: What about squamous cell carcinoma? If it's only in his epithelium, it wouldn't show up in his chest X-ray. Chase: It is possible, but… House: Wouldn't cause hallucinations. Park: It could if you also have paraneoplastic syndrome. House: Get a biopsy. Taub: You think it's cancer? House: I think you should get a biopsy. (Walks to his office. Wilson is sitting there, and shows House a gn.) Wilson: Admit it. (House says nothing. Wilson holds up a gn.) Two hours ago, I found this in your closet in a box with your name on it. I knew you'd move it somewhere outside your apartment until you were certain I'd given up looking. So I had to convince you that I'd given up looking. House: That’s not a gn. Wilson: [Laughs, stands up and walks to House’s desk] Yes, it's a paperweight with a handy storage compartment for .45-caliber bllts. House: And that's not a bllet. Wilson: Admit it. I'm more clever and more devious. You can even have it back. It's not my problem if you go back to prison. My problem is you thinking you're always one step ahead of me. House: This proves nothing because it's not a gn. It's a prop. From Dorothy Dietrich's magic act. Look it up. She's the only woman to ever do the "Catch a bllet" trick. I won this off her prop master in a poker game. Wilson: House— House: It's fake! It's plugged. (He takes a pencil from his desk and sticks it in the barrel. It goes about half-way.) Look for yourself. (Aims at Wilson) Wilson: Hey, hey, don't point that thing at me. House: It's not dangerous because it's not a gn. Wilson: House, House, just stop it. House: Fine. (House opens the chamber and inserts the bllet. He closes it and offers the gn to Wilson.) Wilson: What the hell are you doing? House: Pull the trigger. Wilson: Don't be insane. House: They're blanks. You pull the trigger, I drool a little fake blood, and then I spit out the bllet that the audience thinks I caught in my teeth. Go ahead. sht me. Wilson: I'm not shting you. House: All right. I'll sht you. (He turns the gn so it points at Wilson.) Wilson: (Scared) Don't. House, don't. Even if they are blanks, people'll freak. House: It's not real. (He puts the pencil back in the barrel.) Which means you didn't prove that I have a gn. Which means you proved nothing. Admit it. Admit it. Wilson: All right. House: All right, what? Wilson: You win. House: And it feels good. Wilson: Grr. (Wilson walks out. House lets go of the pencil, which drops all the way down the barrel of the gn. He drops the bllet in a cup on his desk then looks at the gn again. He shifts the pencil, thinking…) -- Cut to: Tommy’s room. House walks in. -- House: You were wrong. Don't feel too bad. We all were. His trachea wasn't swollen. It was blocked by a pseudomembrane growing across it. It means he's not paranoid, he’s an idiot, and was poisoned. (Unplugs the device from Tommy’s throat) Chase: What are you doing? House: Give me a Machida scope. (Park gets it) (To Chase) Hold his legs. He's not gonna like this. Because you're not gonna be able to breathe. But I need to see down your barrel. (He looks through the scope down Tommy’s throat) Good news is the poison didn't come from your wife. It came from a little bastard of a bacterium whose crap can cause chest pain, respiratory distress, skin ulcers, the growth of pseudomembrane across the airway, and, in very rare cases, hallucinations. (Gets the scope out, plugs Tommy to the ventilator.) (To Park) Call the CDC. Tell them we need antitoxin as soon as possible. Park: Diphtheria? House: We didn't guess it because nobody gets it. Instead of building bunkers, you should be getting boosters. As in routine vaccines against stuff that is actually scary. -- Cut to: Lobby. Taub is signing some papers. -- Woman on P.A.: Dr. Wills to recovery. Dr. Wills to recovery. Foreman: Diphtheria. Taub: House pulled it out of nowhere. Foreman: Cool. Taub: You just getting in? Foreman: Had a meeting about a new parking validation system. Taub: Cool. -- Cut to: Tommy’s room. -- Park: How are you feeling? Tommy: Not great. [Door slides open. His wife Olivia comes in.] But better. Park: The antitoxin is working. He'll be able to go home in a few days. Olivia: That's good news. But we've moved out. Tommy: Oh, come on, honey. I'm sorry I lied, but— Olivia: I know, okay. It was for our own good, but I don't care. I don't want to be lied to, and I can't live like that. I can't live in that home. Tommy: Oh, please don't. I love you. Olivia: I love you too. Which is why you're not gonna live there either. I don't care if we might need them. I just know that I can't live my life feeling like we do. It's not worth living in fear. Tommy: Okay. I'm sorry. (Hugs her) -- Cut to: Foreman’s office. Nurse Regina drops some papers on his desk. -- Foreman: Hey. Regina: [Softly] Hi. Foreman: Thanks. Regina: You know, there's a bunch of us going to happy hour after work. I'm craving nachos. You interested? Foreman: Thanks, but I got a lot of work I need to get done. Regina: Sure. Well, if you change your mind, we'll be at Rudy's. Foreman: Okay. -- Cut to the elevators. Park enters one and sees Chase and Adams in there -- Park: Hey. Chase: Hey. Adams: Hey. Park: Would you like to get a drink sometime after work? Chase: You mean all of us or just us? Park: I was thinking just the two of us. Chase: Did Taub put you up to this? Park: No, it was just something I'd been thinking about and I figured what the heck? Might as well ask. Chase: Yeah, well, it's probably not a good idea, you know, with us working together. Park: Didn't you marry someone you used to work with? Chase: Yeah, but it… All right. Sure. When? Park: Tonight? Chase: Sure. -- Cut to Foreman’s office. He picks up his cell phone. -- Foreman: Hey. Changed my mind. Okay. (Hangs up) -- Cut to: House’s apartment. House opens his closet, and takes out a cigar box. He puts the g*n in there, and contemplates the box for a while. He puts it back on the shelf, and we see the box has ‘HOUSE’ written on it. He takes down a sword, and draws it from the scabbard. It has the inscription ‘John House’ near the handle. He contemplates his father’s Marine Corp. sword and then puts it back on the shelf. He shuts the light and closes the door. -- -- Cut to: Bar. Foreman’s sitting there, with a beer in his hand.-- Anita: I'm glad you changed your mind. Foreman: Hey.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x08 - Perils of Paranoia"}	foreverdreaming
[The scene opens on a couple sitting in a car. The woman, Natalie Tavares, is sitting in the driver’s seat while her husband, Andres Tavares, is sitting next to her. He seems confused.] Natalie : We're in the car, honey. We're going to the hospital for tests. [Next, they are both walking down on of PPTH’s hallways.] Natalie : We're in the hospital. We're going to the Doctor's office. [Andres is still confused despite his wife’s reassuring words. Next, they are sitting in Dr. Shriya Banerjee’s office. They are both listening to the doctor.] Dr. Banerjee : Can you tell me what this is called? [She holds up a can-opener.] Andres [speaking with a light Portuguese accent]: Uh, you use it to get food from inside. Dr. Banerjee : Yes, but what's it called? Is it a spatula? Andres : No. Dr. Banerjee : Good. Is it a can opener? Andres : Uh, no, it's, um… it's, um… You're trying to make me look stupid. [Suddenly, he rises, full of rage.] You can go to hell! Why don't you kll yourself? Natalie : Andres. [She stands up and puts a hand on his shoulder.] It's okay. [She keeps a quiet voice and it seems to calm him down.] Andres [smiling] : There she is. Natalie : Here I am. Here, come on. [She strokes his arm and finally they both sit down.] You just need to answer a few more questions. Then we're going home. We'll have lunch, okay? Andres : Okay. [He turns to the doctor.] I'm sorry. I have Alzheimer's. Dr. Banerjee : I know. Natalie : The mood swings come on quickly, but, um… It's under control. Dr. Banerjee : Don't worry. He's actually perfect for the drug trial. Natalie [surprised and somehow relieved] : Oh. Thank God. Dr. Banerjee : We can start as soon as next week. [Suddenly Andres starts coughing violently.] Natalie : Andres… [Andres vomits blood.] Oh, my God! Andres… [OPENING CREDITS] [House is walking down the hallway leading to his diagnostic room. He is wearing his coat and has his backpack on the shoulder. We hear Foreman presenting a case to the team inside the room.] Foreman : Early onset familial Alzheimer's. Brazilian descent. Blood chemistry showed high ammonia. Vomiting stopped after the E.R. put him on antiemetics. Park : Any recent health issues? [The team is sitting around the table while Foreman is walking around, handing out copies of the file. He sits down, House walks in, looking not really thrilled to see his boss here.] Foreman : Just a sore throat a few weeks ago. Chase : How advanced is he? Could be hyperalimentation. Foreman : Advanced enough, but no IV feedings. The wife shut down a floral company to stay home and feed him every meal he's had in the last four years. House : Do we owe this case to your guilt at having ignored your own forgetful mommy? Foreman : My guilt over my mom is why I put up with my dad. You're taking this case because we're running a phase-two trial on an Alzheimer's drug. House : You couldn't round up enough doddering old Guinea pigs. You need us to fix this little piggy? Foreman : I'd like to sit in. Especially since you're short a team member. House : You mean Taub? [Pointing at his backpack] Got him in here. Chase : He asked for a personal day. His daughter's sick. House : Isn't that the point of having a spare? I denied his request. Foreman : After I'd already approved it, which you knew because I sent you a memo. House : Dr. Adams… taped under your chair is an index card. Would you read it, please? [Adams reaches under her chair for the index card taped there and reads it aloud.] Adams : "Wednesday, 2:43 p.m., a black Pawn will believe he's the black King and attempt to capture the… white head of diagnostics." [House takes a bow.] Park : It's 10:15 on Friday. House : Damn it. Look, the point is I saw this coming. Dr. Foreman and I did not always see eye-to-eye. But he never had the power to overrule me. Now that he has the power, he won't be able to resist the temptation to use it. With great power comes great micromanaging. And great vests. Foreman : I know you're the better diagnostician. I'm not gonna interfere. I'm only here to help. Park : Could be transient nitrogen load from a G.I. bleed. Chase : Not if the vomiting's persistent. House : Which we won't know, because the E.R. put him on antiemetics. Take him off. [He sits down at the other end of the table, facing Foreman.] Foreman : Wait. He's puking his guts out. We'd risk aspiration. [He smiles] I'm just disagreeing, not overruling. House : So glad you're on board. Take him off antiemetics, do an upper endoscopy to check for bleeds. [They all get up to leave the room except House.] [Cut to an exam room in the clinic where Wilson is performing a physical exam on a pretty young woman. Her name is Kayla.] Wilson : It could be a bladder infection. We'll run a pregnancy test. Kayla : Oh, I'm not pregnant. Wilson : Any type of birth control can fail. Kayla : Not mine. Wilson : Oh, I'm sorry. You said you were married. Kayla : Yeah, happily. Wilson : That's okay. Sex can wane in any marriage over time. No, no. We've never had sex. Oh, we kiss and cuddle, but neither one of us is interested in sex. Wilson [covering surprise] : You're… both celibate. Kayla : No, neither of us. Celibacy is a choice. This is our orientation. We're asexual. Wilson [looking down at his file, embarrassed] : Not quite sure what box to check here. [Cut to a hallway. Foreman and Chase are walking together.] Chase : You're making a mistake. If I had the power to veto him, given all the crap I've put up with over the years, don't know if I could use it objectively. Foreman : I do, I can, I have. Chase : Might be easier if you'd stay out of the room. Foreman : I thought it'd be different. This week. Supposed to talk to his P.O. about getting his ankle monitor off early. Chase : You're saying he should defer to you? Foreman : No, I'm just saying what he's doing doesn't seem rational, which makes me think it's rational in a way I'm not privy to. He always has a plan. Chase : And he's always self-destructive. He may just be shting himself in the ankle. [Chase continues walking, leaving Foreman alone to consider his words.] [Cut to the patient’s room. It is filled with some of Andres’ personal items: pictures, books, a trophy. A whiteboard is hung by his bed where it is written “You are at Princeton Plainsboro Hospital. Today is Friday. Also there are pictures of Chase, Park, Adams and Foreman with their names written under them. Chase guides an endoscope down Andres’s throat. He is awake. Park assists him and Natalie is watching them.] Natalie : I know it feels strange. Dr. Chase is just looking in your throat. We're in the hospital. You're fine. Chase [noticing the trophy] : That's a pretty nice trophy, there, Andres. Natalie : He coached youth soccer. Took a team that was 0-6 all the way to the state finals at Long Branch. Hey, thanks for doing this in here. Switching rooms can be very disorienting. Park : You take very good care of him. Natalie : I love him. Sickness and health, right? Chase : Upper esophagus is clear. Moving on to the G.E. junction. [A man enters the room. His name is Joseph. Natalie seems relieved to see him.] Natalie : Hi. Joseph : Hey. Park : I'm sorry. Family members only during procedures. Joseph : Uh, I'll— I'll be outside. Natalie : Oh, no. Please, um, it's okay. Joseph helps me with my husband sometimes. He's a good friend. Park : Which means not family. Chase [to Natalie] : Wait, we're gonna be here a while. Why don't you show Joseph where the visitor's lounge is? Natalie : Okay. [She leaves the room with Joseph. Chase stares at park who seems oblivious to the situation.] Park : What? Chase : Surprised you didn't go into the diplomatic corps. Park : Oh, you think they're… [She bumps her fists together.] Chase : No, if they're having sex, it's probably with their genitals. [He notices something on the monitor.] Mallory-Weiss tear. Vomiting must have torn the lining. [Cut to the cafeteria. House and Wilson are having lunch together. Both are reading: Wilson, a psychology journal and House, a Japanese manga entitled バッド・メディスン (Bad Medicine vol. 9, Eat It.) FYI: It’s a fake.] Wilson : You know that close to 1% of the population identifies as asexual? House : We really gotta get you laid. If I have to plough that furrow myself, so be it. Wilson : I have a patient who's asexual. House : Is she a giant pool of algae? Wilson : It's a valid sexual orientation. According to this article, at least. House : Yeah, I think I read that too. Is that fugliness weekly? Wilson : She's perfectly fine-looking. Happily married for ten years. House : To a guy who loves penis enough for the both of them. Wilson : He's asexual too. Ran a complete physical on her. Nothing wrong except a common bladder infection. [House puts down his manga.] House : 100 bucks says I can find a medical reason why she doesn't want to have sex. Wilson : You're out of your mind if you think I'm letting you anywhere near my patient. House : Fine. I won't go near her. Just give me her file and any blood samples you have left over. [House holds out his hand to shake on it. Wilson lifts a finger as he considers the bet.] Wilson : No contact, whatsoever. You talk to her, the bet is void. House : No contact. Plays to my strengths anyway. [They shake hands.] [Cut to Foreman’s office. He is at his desk, doing paperwork. House enters, followed by Adams, Chase and Park.] Foreman : Right now's not a good time, House. House : Not for the Dean of Medicine. But it's a perfect time if you're a member of my team. Which one are you? [Foreman gives in and gets up.] Foreman : What did the endoscopy show? Chase : No signs of ulcers or blockages. [Foreman pulls up Andres’s file on his digital lightbox.] Foreman : But you found a tear just below the esophagus. Explains the bleeding. Park : Doesn't explain why he vomited so hard he ripped his insides. Adams : His liver enzymes are slightly elevated. Gallstones could've— House : no complaints of pain. Foreman : Steatohepatitis would make his AST and ATL levels rise. House : Are you calling his liver fat? Start the patient on statins, and do a biopsy to confirm. And knock him out. I've heard he's a wiggler. Foreman : There's no need to put him under. We can confirm fatty liver with an ultrasound. [House looks to Foreman pointedly.] Just making an observation. House : Well done. Now, as a member of my team, you can make the equally-useful observations that the sky is blue, I'm wearing pants, and I'm ignoring your first observation. Foreman : Of course. [House and the team head for the door. Foreman returns to his paperwork when he realizes something.] Foreman : Wait. [They all stop.] House : And there it is. Foreman : You're trying to screw with my confidence. House : Well, if I wanted to do that, I'd tell you how much the nurses hate you. Foreman : You're trying to get me to define myself as a subordinate to keep me from ever intervening, even if it's fully in the scope of my duties. Like now. This isn't about diagnostics, it's about what's safe for the patient. Do the ultrasound. House : Ultrasound it is. And the nurses love you. [Cut to another hallway. Chase and Adams wheel an ultrasound machine toward Andres’s room. They see Foreman close by, waiting for them.] Foreman : You don't think I knew House was gonna tell you to ignore me and not do the ultrasound? Chase : This is an ultrasound machine. Foreman : Which you're gonna use to do an ultrasound-guided biopsy. Probably got a kit stashed here… [Foreman searches the cart but instead of a biopsy kit, he finds another index card. He reads and frowns. Curious, Adams takes the card from him.] Adams : "Cuddy dark will waste his afternoon chasing conspiracy theories." Chase : You're letting him get inside your head. He could do a lot of damage in there. [Natalie comes out of Andres’s room.] Natalie : Dr. Chase. He started vomiting again. [They all enter. Andres is in bed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.] Chase : This is why we stopped the antiemetics. We needed to see if it was still a symptom. Natalie : Okay. Here, you want this? [She brings a bowl over to Andres to vomit into but he pushes it away.] Andres [agitated] : Get your hands off me. You're taking my head. Natalie : It's okay, Andres. You're in the hospital. Here. [She strokes his arm trying to comfort him, but he lunges at her and punches her so hard that she’s knocked back. Foreman and Chase rush over to control Andres.] Chase : 10 milligrams of Diazepam! Foreman : Already on it. [Adams rushes to Natalie’s side. She cut her hand and she’s got a bruise on her jaw. Foreman sedates Andres.] Natalie : I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm all right. [Chase and Foreman notice blood on the front of Andres’s gown. Probably from his urine.] Chase : Foreman. Foreman : Blood in his urine. [Cut to the hallway. House is standing in front of a vending machine buying a candy bar. The team is with him.] Adams : Resume the antiemetics and increase the sedation. He really went after her. Park : Maybe he found out about her "good friend." Chase : It was just paranoid rage, typical of Alzheimer's. We don't even know if they were sleeping together. Park : A few hours ago you were sure. House : And that's significant why? Park : Sorry. Only the bleeding's medically relevant. [They all start walking down the hallway. House is opening the candy’s wrap and takes a bite.] House : No, I wasn't being rhetorical. If they are sleeping together, why do we disapprove? Adams : You're pro-infidelity? House : She's not married. If marriage is feeding and cleaning someone, limiting conversations, to repeating a few simple commands, then I was married to my pet rat. And a lot of people owe me wedding gifts. [House sees Foreman and suddenly turns around to continue on another way.] And we're walking, we're walking. Adams : I don't care how sick your spouse gets, you don't jump ship. Chase : Alzheimer's is different. She can't share her problems with him, or plan for the future. The man she married no longer exists. Adams : Yes, he does. He's in there. This is why you get married. House : Said the divorced woman to the divorced man. Adams : I didn't jump ship. My husband sank it when he cheated on me. Commitment's not conditional. Chase : She is there for him in the only way that matters now. She gave up her life to take care of him. House : Which proves she's an idiot. If she had any sense, she'd have stuck him in a facility and jumped on that strange—[Foreman is standing in their way.] Dr. Foreman! We were just looking for you. Foreman : I was right about the antiemetics. If you kept him on them like I said, he wouldn't have gotten agitated and punched his wife. House : Yes, we're back to my supposed diabolical plan to shake your confidence. Let's see if this helps. [They are now in House’s office.] If you're speaking as a team member, then I'd say you're a moron. Because taking him off the antiemetics gave us crucial diagnostic information. If you're speaking as Dean of Medicine, then I'd say you're a moron. 'Cause your micromanaging kept us from doing a biopsy. If we had, the patient would have been anesthetized hours ago, thus unable to go all Chris Brown on her ass. Foreman : Unless one of your index cards actually predicted the guy was gonna punch his wife, everything you're saying is post hoc rationalization. House : Dr. Park, would you please reach under that chair? [House sits down on his chair. Park is sitting on the other side of his desk. She reaches under the chair House pointed at and finds an index card. Park : "The patient will punch his wife." [They all smile.] Foreman : You clearly wrote that after the fact. House : Dr. Adams, would you please reach into my pants? [Of course she doesn’t. House reaches in his pocket and retrieves yet another card.] House : "Dr. Blackenshmurtz will accuse me of writing about the punch after the fact." Now, look. Here's a photograph of me holding a newspaper. [He holds up the picture for everyone to see: it’s him with the note and the newspaper.] Dated last Tuesday. Now, how could I have gotten my hands on that? Foreman : You done? Rhabdomyolysis fits the vomiting, pigmenturia, and renal failure. Adams : No muscle symptoms, and urine had no myoglobin. TTP fits, though. House : Start him on plasmapheresis. Unless… unless I need to say, "mother, may I?" And mother is an abbreviation. [They all leave his office.] [Cut to the hallway in front of Andres’s room. He is asleep in his bed. Chase is talking to Joseph and Natalie, who is holding an icepack to her eye. Her hand has also been bandaged.] Chase : Fresh plasma will replace the damaged red blood cells that are clogging his kidneys. Joseph : That sounds hopeful. Chase [pointing at Natalie’s eye] : How is that feeling? Natalie : I've never been ht in the eye before. I feel kinda badass. [To Joseph] I think maybe you should go. I'm fine. Okay? Joseph : I’ll see you tomorrow. [He gives her a kiss on the forehead and leaves. Chase feels out of place.] Natalie : Okay. [To Chase] We're not having an affair. Chase : It's none of my business. Natalie [almost crying]: I mean, not— not really. 'Cause nothing's happened. We've talked about it a lot, and… it's just really hard doing this by myself. Chase : When's the last time you had a full night's sleep? Natalie [blows] : Um… I don't know. Three years. Chase : You're not going to get any rest here. People who are sick are not the only ones who need to be taken care of. [He leaves.] [Cut to the lab where Park and Adams are working on Wilson’s case because of House. He is sitting next to them, not doing much.] Park : Why doesn't Chase have to be here? House : You think he knows anything about women who don't want to have sex? Adams : Hormone levels are normal. This woman seems perfectly healthy. What does it matter if she says she's asexual? House : It's the fundamental drive of our species. Sex is healthy. Orgasms oxygenate the brain, lighting up over 30 different areas and making us forget how boring Susie Cooper is. That last one may not be universal. Park : How about damage to her spinal cord blocking the signals from her genitals? Adams : Sex drive is in the brain. I suppose it could be psychological intimacy issues caused by childhood abuse. House : She's been sharing a toilet with the same guy for the last ten years. Adams : It's not the same. Sex releases oxytocin. It's the neurochemical basis for bonding. House : And that's why men always marry their right hands. Adams : It's different for girls. Park : No it's not. I've tapped over 30 guys and never wanted to see most of them again. [House and Adams look at each other, surprised and speechless.] I live next to a Jewish frat. House : We are veering wildly off track. Please continue. Adams : This woman's life is probably better off without sex. Eliminates most of her insecurity, she's immune to most advertising and can have honest relationships with men. House [chuckling] : Not a lot of them. Adams : We've run every test and ruled out all the options. You're gonna have to accept she just doesn't want sex. House : Lots of people don't have sex. The only people who don't want it are either sick, dad, or lying. Adams : So maybe she's lying. You think she's had a boyfriend on the side? House : For ten years? Sticking around the whole time? Doesn't make sense. [Thinking…] What does… [He grabs his cane and leaves the room without a word.] Adams [looking at Park] : 30? Park : Everybody lies. [She heads out.] Adams [still confused] : Higher or lower? [Cut to the hallway by Andres’s room, the next morning. Natalie approaches Chase. She looks better.] Natalie : Followed your advice and took the night off. Chase : Seems to have done you some good. Natalie : Mm-hmm. [They both walk to Andres’s room to find an empty bed. He is nowhere to be found.] Natalie : Where's my husband? [A few minutes later, House, Foreman, Natalie, Joseph and the team are all in Andres’s room.] Foreman : He's not in the hospital. Natalie : So he just walked out? Foreman : All of the shift nurses had their hands full with a double code. House : Perfectly reasonable explanation. Same thing happened to me. Couldn't find my keys for days. Foreman : The police have been notified. I have staff searching. Natalie [accusing Chase] : You told me it was okay to leave. Chase : I'm sorry. Natalie : He has Alzheimer's! It's freezing outside, and he's sick! I mean, you don't even know what it is yet, do you? Chase : The plasmapheresis hasn't had time to work, but TTP is our most likely— Natalie : Okay, I'm just— I have to go look for him. [She heads out but House stops her with his cane.] Joseph : Hey, don't be an ass. Can't you see she's upset? House : No, she's guilty. 'Cause instead of being at her husband's side, she was under you. Natalie : Okay, that's— y— House : Yeah, yeah, yeah… He already said I was an ass. Personally, I applaud your decision to step down off your cross and get on with your life, but your misplaced guilt is shutting down your brain. We need you to sit, focus, and answer our questions. [She obeys and sits down. House walks around the room and stops by the whiteboard. Everything is the same on it except one thing: “Today is Saturday”.] House : So, at 6:00 a.m., the patient wakes up, and the first thing he sees… Foreman : In moments of confusion, Alzheimer's patients regress to old routines. House: So what would your husband do on a Saturday morning? Natalie : Nothing. Be at home. Foreman : What about a year ago? Or five years? Ten? Natalie : I don't know, um, he… he trained for a marathon once. Soccer practice. We took a cooking class. Chase : That soccer trophy you were telling me about. House : It's gone. Where was practice? Natalie : It was close to here. On Chesterfield. [Cut to the soccer field. It’s covered with snow. Adams, Chase and EMTs are walking around looking for Andres.] Chase : Okay, he comes, he thinks he's waiting for practice. Adams : He'd want to get out of the wind. What's somewhere he could see the kids arrive? Chase [pointing at the side of a building beside the field] : There. Over here. [They find Andres lying in the snow, passed out and nearly frozen.] Chase : On three. [They turn him over and put something on his neck to keep it steady.] One, two, three. Adams [trying to find a heartbeat] : Nothing. Chase : Not dad until he's warm and dad. [Cut to the ER. House, Foreman and Park watch Adams, Chase and the EMTs coming in with Andres on a gurney. They are still doing CPR on him.] House : Get him to the ICU. Start him on extracorporeal circulation. Adams : That'll raise his temperature too quickly, it'll cause acidosis. House : We can deal with his metabolism crashing, we can't reverse brain damage if we go too slowly. Chase : Either way, we don't get his temperature above 95, it's not going to matter. Adams : Multiple warm lavage is safer. Foreman : Do what House says. [Cut to an observation room overlooking the room where Andres is now being taken care of. Adams and Chase are with him. Natalie and Joseph are in the observation room with Foreman.] Natalie : He has no heartbeat, and he's not breathing. How can he not be dad? Foreman : The body slows down when it cools, but it doesn't fully stop. We're warming his blood outside of his body, then putting it back. It'll raise his temperature enough that his heart should naturally start. Then we can shock it back into rhythm. Natalie : And if it doesn't start? Foreman : Then there's nothing we can do. [Down in the room…] Adams : You think it's possible he knew what he was doing? Like some part of him gets what he's putting his wife through, so he tried to— Chase : kll himself? It's what I'd do if I were him. At least I wish I would. Adams [surprised] : I meant run away. You think you should kll yourself if you become a burden to the people who love you? Chase : If you really l love them back, then… yes. Adams: That's really dark. Chase : It's not naive. Adams : I just believe people are capable of more than you do, apparently. [Beeping] We've got brain activity. Chase : Temp's at 93. His heart should start soon. My dad left me alone to care for my alcoholic mom and raise my baby sister. I was just a teenager. I spent half my time changing diapers and the other half cleaning up my mom's vomit. Adams : But it must've been important that you stayed for both of them. Chase : Mom died after a few years. It was ugly and painful, and she went with me hating her. My sister ended up drinking half of her life away and hating me because I couldn't help. After mom, I had nothing left. So do I wish mom had used a gn instead of a bottle? Yes. Adams : I— I didn't know. Chase : That's why I told you. [Suddenly the monitor starts beeping. They get ready for the next move under Natalie and Joseph’s worried looks.] Chase : Ventricular fibrillation. 300 milligrams amiodarone. [the defibrillator whines] Careful. Once we establish rhythm, any accidental movement could crash him back into V-fib. [Chase puts the paddles on Andres’s chest.] Clear. [He shocks his heart and a normal rhythm of beeping is back. Adams gives two thumbs up to the observation room. Natalie is relieved.] Foreman : We still have a long way to go. Cold can be protective to the brain, but there is a possibility of damage. We also need to confirm and treat whatever's making him sick. [Cut to the clinic. House is in an exam room with a man, probably in his 30s.] House : I just gotta do a standard battery of tests. Blood, urine, EEG… Man [surprised] : Is that really necessary for a free flu sht? [Someone is knocking on the door.] House : Excuse me. I have to deal with someone who's having a panic attck. [House gets up and goes to the door to find Wilson there. He steps out of the room so they can talk.] Wilson : I specifically said the bet was off if you contacted the patient. House : Exactly. Never said anything about the patient's husband. Wilson : The deal was a medical reason why she doesn't have sex. House : I admit I was stuck, until I realized the medical issue was not hers but his. She's lying to compensate. It's a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy, boy says, "I'm asexual." Girl says, "yeah, me too." Wilson : Your twisted logic can't hide the fact that tricking a patient into being tested is completely unethical. House : Come on. Don't you think she deserves to know why her husband won't bend her over the kitchen counter? You love all that caring crap. Wilson : You're not doing this out of the kindness of your heart. You're not even doing this out of medical curiosity. House : I thought I made it clear I'm doing it for the cash. Wilson : Two people are happy, and your natural impulse is to destroy it. House : How do you know she's happy? Did she tell you? Wilson : No, chirping birds flew out of her butt carrying a banner. House : All right, I admit that my natural impulse is to doubt peoples' claims to happiness, but yours is to be a sucker for them. You tell me which one's worse. [He goes back into the exam room.] [Cut to Andres’s room. Park is performing a medical procedure while Natalie is somehow resting in the chair beside the bed. She wakes up when Andres coughs.] Park : He just opened his eyes a little while ago. His heartbeat's doing well, and his body temperature is sab. [She stands up and walks to his side, she strokes his arm and he smiles.] Natalie : There he is. Andres [speaking Portuguese] : Me sinto quente. Park : Is that Portuguese? Natalie : Yeah. Honey, I don't understand. Andres : Me sinto quente. Park : What's he saying? Natalie : I don't know. I tried to learn when we got married, but I just — it's okay. It's okay. [A monitor starts beeping. Andres seems uncomfortable.] Park : His body temperature is rising. It's above normal. Natalie [concerned] : Wait, I thought — I thought you said it was sab. Why is it still rising? Park : I don't know. [Cut to the Diagnostics room. The team is sitting at the table while Foreman is by the whiteboard where he wrote all the symptoms.] Foreman : Vomiting, liver, kidneys, and now fever. [House clears his throat to interrupt as he comes in the room, from his office.] House : I don't want to tell you how to do your job, Dr. Foreman, since telling people how to do their job is your job, but when your less-than-competent administration of this hospital affects what's written on my whiteboard… Foreman : Get to the point. House : The word "fever." Could come from the patient's illness, or it could come from the fact that you allowed him to saunter out of your hospital and take a nap in the snow. Foreman : Couldn't have caught a virus while he was outside. Fever came on too fast. Chase : The hypothermia could've caused cell necrosis. [House puts a question mark by the word ‘fever’ on the whiteboard.] House : TTP was the diagnosis when he walked out. Fever's a little high, but it still fits. We should continue plasmapheresis. Foreman : We're missing symptoms. We should add language loss and aggression. House : Should we also add forgetfulness? He's got Alzheimer's. Foreman : We've just been assuming. House : Because the patient's wife said he exhibited both for a year. Foreman : He's never ht her before or lost all his English. We have to consider any change since he's been admitted as relevant. House : Have to? Do I need to pull out another card? Foreman : Disseminated viral infection with encephalitis. Patient complained of a sore throat a few weeks ago. House : Start him on Interferon. [Cut to Andres’s room. He is asleep. Chase and Adams are outside talking to Natalie.] Chase : Encephalitis makes his brain swell, which causes symptoms that are hard to distinguish from his Alzheimer's. With the Interferon his English should come back, and the aggression should subside. Natalie : But you're not sure. Chase : Unfortunately, no. Natalie : And you're not sure if he has brain damage from being frozen. So best-case scenario, I've just had a glimpse into his future? [Upset] I can't take care of him anymore. Adams : Chances are his mental state will improve. You could get more time with him. Natalie : We married six months after I met him. A year after that, he started forgetting things. I've known my husband longer with his Alzheimer's than without. I've watched more of him disappear than I ever got to know. I just can't do this anymore. [Cut to Wilson’s office. He is doing paperwork at his desk when House barges in.] House : You lose. Blood work shows high levels of prolactin. [He throws the file on Wilson’s desk.] Add that to some peripheral red-green confusion, puts my money — excuse me, your money — soon to be my money, on a tumor near his pituitary. Probably started growing in his early teens. Wilson [looking at the file]: Lowering his libido and causing erectile dysfunction. House : A year on dopamine agonists, and he'll be a sex-crazed creep just like the rest of us, completely fascinated by Susie Cooper. I'd prefer to be paid in a single $100 bill. Always wanted to use one to light a cigar. Wilson : Hooray for us. We disproved his asexuality. We also probably ruined his life. House : He'll thank us. Then he'll doze off, and then in a couple hours, he'll thank us again. [He sits down in front of Wilson.] Wilson : It could destroy his identity. It's like a gay person being told they're really straight. House : So don't tell him. Wilson : Yeah, why bother telling a guy he has a tumor growing in his head? He'll notice it eventually, when it starts leaking out his ears. House : It's a slow-growing tumor. He'll probably die of boredom long before that. Wilson [pointing at House accusingly] : You always do this. You— you meddle and force me into impossible situations. House : You knew the second you told me about this case that I'd get involved. You wanted me to meddle. Because no matter how much you wanted to believe in this chaste romance, you didn't buy it either. [Cut to Foreman’s office. He is going through his paperwork, Nurse Regina is also here.] Foreman : Where's that petition House's P.O. sent over about getting his ankle monitor off? Regina : On your desk. [She leaves, he sits down and looks at the paper in front of him. As he is about to sign, he realizes something. Cut to House’s office. He is sitting at his desk, supposedly working as he is wearing his glasses and writing things on a file. Foreman comes in.] Foreman : You played me. This whole thing was about your ankle monitor. You weren't trying to undermine my confidence; you were trying to inflate it. You manufactured conflict with me so eventually you could let me win. [Getting angry] You knew it was encephalitis, but you waited for me to say it because then with my ego boosted, you thought I'd be in the mood to take off your monitor because I'd think I could control you. House : You're right. Take off my monitor. See, the beauty of the plan is that if it works, you think you can control me. If it fails, then you will actually have proven that you can control me. It's pretty genius. [He puts his right leg on his desk so they can both see his ankle monitor.] These are your training wheels. If you think you're up to this job, it's time to lose them. [Foreman looks at him and finally tears up the paperwork he was holding in his hand.] Second half of my plan might need work. [Suddenly both their beepers go off.] [Cut to the hallway. All monitors are beeping, Andres is on a gurney having a ventricular fibrillation, Chase and Adams are doing CPR. House and Foreman rush to their side.] Chase : V-fib. Two rounds of 360 without establishing a rhythm. [House grabs the paddles while Foreman is checking Andres’s pulse.] Adams : Wait, Dr. Foreman! [She pulls Foreman aways just as House shocks Andres.] House [innocently] : Clear. [Andres’s pulse goes back to normal.] House : He's back. [Cut to the Diagnostics room where House and the team are.] House : I sure hope this Alzheimer's drug trial is worth a lot to this hospital, 'cause we're wasting a crap-load of time and manpower just to let this guy watch his mind shrivel and keep his wife miserable. Foreman : Heart attck while he was on Interferon rules out encephalitis, but I still think I'm right about the neural symptoms. It's probably aseptic meningitis. Chase : Would have seen meningial signs. Foreman : Given his abnormal mental status, not necessarily. House : Dr. Foreman, would you please reach under your chair? [He does so but only retrieves a piece of gum.] Foreman : There's just wet gum under here. Where's the card? House : What card? Foreman : I'm happy to leave if you have a better theory than aseptic meningitis. House : Toxins. This guy went on walkabout. Chances are he's done it before. Foreman : Wife keeps the doors on the house locked. House : Plenty of nasty stuff to get into during the middle of the night. Foreman : We asked about toxins on the history. The wife said she was sure to clear the house for her husband's safety. House : I'm sure she succeeded. She's a PhD in toxicology, right? She's an ex-florist. Search the home for toxic plants, methyl bromide, any medications. [The team gets ready to leave the room.] Foreman : Stop. You're not infallible. You were wrong about encephalitis. House : Just before you were. Foreman : Run CSF tests. Find out what's causing the meningitis. House : You said you weren't gonna overrule me diagnostically. Foreman : And you said I wouldn't be able to help it. Apparently, you were right about that one. [Foreman leaves the room.] House : Fine. I'll look for toxins myself. Adams : You can't go to their house without Foreman's permission. House : Don't need it. I'll talk to the toxicology PhD upstairs. [He also leaves.] [Cut to the patient’s room. House is interrogating Natalie.] House : What about gifts from South America? Anyone send any fruits or vegetables? Natalie : I don't think so, no. Andres [speaking Portuguese] : Barraco azul… House : I'm gonna need your boyfriend to collect samples of plants in and around your house. Toxins are the most… Andres [speaking Portuguese] : Barraco azul… House [addressing Andres in Portuguese] : O que e isso? Barraco azul? Natalie [surprised] : Wait, you understand him? What's he saying? House : He's— he's repeating, "blue shack." You know what that is? Is it somewhere where pesticides may be kept? Natalie : It's where we had our first date. [Andres speaks Portuguese] House : Do you have a cleaning lady who might bring her own supplies? Natalie : What's he saying? House : If it's not relevant to the case, I don't care. And neither should you. Natalie : Please. This might be the last time I ever know what he's thinking. [Andres is still speaking Portuguese, House is now paying attention to his words.] House [translating Andres’s words] : When I saw her waiting… waiting for me at the table… The way her eyes looked when she smiled… I felt like crying. I knew that she was the woman I wanted to marry. [Natalie is clearly moved by his words; She stares at Andres lovingly.] Every time I see her, I say… Andres : La esta ela. House and Natalie : There she is. [She approaches him.] Natalie : He's still in there. Andres : Quem e ela? Natalie [turning to House] : What did he say? House : He asked who you were. [She looks a bit disappointed.] Don't get your hopes up. Have your boyfriend give me those samples. [Cut to an exam room in the clinic. Wilson is with the young couple we have seen apart before.] Man : How'd you even know to look for a tumor? Wilson : Well, Dr. House noticed hormone levels in your blood, and consulted me as an oncologist. Kayla : Who cares how they found it, okay? They found it. Are there any side effects to the treatment? Wilson : Some nausea, dizziness, and as the tumor shrinks, there will be behavioral changes. Man : Like what? Wilson : Well… the tumor interferes with certain natural systems. Um… [Embarrassed] It lowers libido and causes erectile dysfunction. Man : Eh… Y-you mean the treatment will, um… m-make me want to have sex? Wh-what if I don't want the treatment? Wilson : I would strongly advise… Kayla : You have a brain tumor, okay? You have to have the treatment. Man : Okay, look, I know who I am, okay? And I'm not one of them. Kayla : Hey, look, we'll adjust. Okay? We can go through this together. Man : You mean have sex? I can't make you do that. Kayla : Maybe it won't be so bad. Man : It'll be terrible. Kayla : It's actually pretty fun. From what I remember. Man : But you said that… Kayla: I know. I know. I wanted to spend my life with you. And I knew that meant making certain sacrifices. But a girl has needs. [He sighs.] [Cut to Foreman’s office. He is sitting in the little lounge area with a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Laffont, who are donors to the hospital.] Mr. Laffont : You dropped in the U.S. News rankings. Foreman : With respect, Mr. Laffont, that's only because we temporarily shut down our Diagnostics Department. It's up and running again. Mr. Laffont : I'm actually concerned it might be because of the change in management. If you want my money, I'll need to see a five-year plan. [As he is talking, Foreman tries to listen but unconsciously focuses on a vase of flowers behind them.] Am I boring you? Foreman : No, no, I just… Those flowers are from last week. They should be dad by now. Mr. Laffont : Excuse me? Foreman [figuring something out] : Sorry. I have to go. [He gets up quickly and leaves the room.] [Cut to the lab where House is looking through a microscope. Foreman comes in.] Foreman : It's Reye's syndrome. Patient had a sore throat a few weeks ago before he was admitted. House : Reye's in adults is a reach. Foreman : Not if he took aspirin. House : Aspirin in adults is a reach. Especially in a house with locked medicine cabinets. Foreman : Wasn't in the medicine cabinet. Wife used to run a floral company. Still does a few orders from home. She uses crushed aspirin in the water to make the flowers last longer. House : So the husband has a sore throat, takes an aspirin without her knowing, realizes he's got a sore throat, takes an aspirin, realizes he's got a sore throat… Stop me whenever you like. Have Chase start him on steroids. Foreman : Already did. House : Then why're you telling me? Foreman : 'Cause I wanted you to hear it from me. [Pleased with himself, he walks out of the room.] [Cut to Andres’s room, Chase is adjusting his meds. Andres wakes up and smiles at Natalie who is standing by his side.] Andres [smiling] : Oh… There she is. [Natalie sighs, relieved.] Natalie : Here I am. Andres : Your eye. What happened? Natalie : It's nothing I can't handle. [Cut to Wilson’s office. House is sitting on the couch, his feet up on the coffee table. He is playing with a lighter when Wilson comes in.] Wilson : MRI confirmed macroprolactinoma. He's doing the treatment. House : And the wife? [Wilson reaches for his wallet in the back pocket of his pants and pulls out the $100 bill. He hands it to House who takes out two cigars from the inside pocket of his jacket.] House : Come on. You saved a man's life. Course-corrected two peoples' wildly screwed-up world views. It's not bad for a day's work. [Wilson takes one of the cigars.] Wilson : I think they were happy. Even if it was based on lies. House [putting the cigar in his mouth] : Most happiness is. [He turns on his lighter and sets f*re to the bill] Better to have schtupped and lost then never to have schtupped at all. [House lights on his cigar with the flame emerging from the bill.] Wilson : We can't smoke in here. [He sits down beside House and also uses the flame to light his cigar.] House : We also can't summon people into the clinic based on a lie motivated by a petty bet. And yet it happens. It's an imperfect world. [They both get comfortable in the couch with their feet on the table in front of them as they smoke.] House : Well? Wilson : Disgustingly satisfying. [Someone knocks on the door. A uniformed man enters. They both try to hide their cigar.] House [pointing at Wilson] : He said it was okay. Uniformed man : Is one of you Dr. House? House [turning to Wilson] : You've seen Spartacus, right? Uniformed man : I got an order here to deactivate and remove his ankle monitor. [As Morgan Taylor Reid’s “Simply Human” starts playing in the background, we get a close-up on House’s face: He seems genuinely surprised but somehow happy by the announcement. Cut to the Diagnostics room where Chase is sitting alone in the dark. He is holding his phone in his hand; he seems to hesitate but finally composes a number and puts the phone to his ear.] [Line ringing] Chase’s sister : Robbie? Chase : Hi, sis. ♪♫ Gentle is the sun Chase’s sister : It's been years. Chase : I know. I thought of you on mom's birthday. ♪♫ I breathe it in my soul Chase’s sister : Is everything okay? Chase : Yeah, yeah. Fine. I just… ♪♫ And I want to let you know‚ Chase : wanted to see how you were. Chase’s sister : I'm fine. ♪♫ And come down ♪♫ come down ♪♫ innocent way of life [Cut to Foreman’s office, he is working behind his desk when House walks in and stops in front of him.] Foreman [barely looking at House] : Bikes go faster without training wheels. ♪♫ Easily we cry Foreman : Now get out. I have work to do. ♪♫ Weaving through the cracks‚ [House leaves but not before purposely knocking over a cup full of pencils and pens.] ♪♫ we are simply human House : Whoops. ♪♫ You know we are	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x09 - Better Half"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a view of a clinic exam room through the open blinds. House is listening with a stethoscope to a sixteen-year-old girl’s breathing. Her father stands next to the table.] House: How long has your daughter had trouble breathing? Father: About a week now. House: The best dads wait two or more. Jane Doe: Yeah, no, it's not like it's serious. I-I checked online, and it's… asthma or something. House: "Or something" is the number one kller of teens with no medical degree. When was the last time he took you to see a doctor? Jane Doe: Uh, like five months ago. We went a clinic in Trenton. I had strep throat. House: You remember the antibiotic they gave you? Is it neomycin? Jane Doe: Amoxicillin. [House nods slightly. She passed that test.] So about the inhaler for my asthma, I was— House: Sorry! Hospital policy specifically prohibits me from giving meds to unrelated homeless people pretending to be father and daughter. [to the father] Your pants are a size too short, so either you grew a couple of inches or you grabbed the closest size in a thrift store. [to Jane Doe] And only you have dimples, which are adorable, but they're also an x-linked dominant genetic trait. Which actually doesn't prove anything. The fact that you didn't burst into tears tells me that you never thought he was your dad. Jane Doe: [to her faux-father] Let's get out of here. [She jumps off the table and grabs her backpack and jacket. The father is already at the door.] House: Since you're the brains of the operation, might wanna stick around. Jane Doe: What, so I can get busted by Social Services? House: No, so you can stop bleeding out of your ear. [She puts her hand to her right ear. There’s a stream of blood from it to her jaw line.] It's usually a sign of a skull fracture. Someone been using your head as a soccer ball? Jane Doe: No. House: Much as I'd like to take your word for it, I have no interest in taking your word for it. [He runs his hands over her head.] No tenderness, no pain. Looks like you might actually be telling the truth about something. [He gets an otoscope from the drawer and looks in her ear.] Ear canal is fine. [checks her forehead with his hand] You don't have a fever. Pay the man. He's late for a trashcan fre. [Jane Doe takes two cans of Budweiser from her backpack. Her father takes them and leaves.] Jane Doe: Would you - would you tell me what's going on? What's wrong with me? House: I have no idea. [END OF TEASER] [OPENING CREDITS] [ACT ONE] [Cut to a diner. A plate of pancakes with syrup and sliced strawberries is placed on the table. House is in the corner of a boot, facing the door. The team enters.] Taub: Why'd you ask to meet us 30 miles away from the hospital? House: [picks up his right leg, plops it on the table and pulls up the pant leg to show his monitor-less ankle] Because I can. Also, Chris Christie's blog says the pancakes here are the best. So… what do we got on this 18-year-old with the ear bleed and the breathing problems? [Taub sits next to House. Adams and Park slide in, facing them. Chase pulls up a chair and sits at the end of the table.] Adams: CT confirms no skull fracture. And looking at her confirms she's not 18. House: Yes, she is. Says so in the file. Adams: We can't treat an underage patient without a guardian. We need to call Social Services. House: I cut a deal with the patient. We don't call, she doesn't bolt. Taub: Whatever age, living on the street makes her vulnerable to malnutrition, drug use, H.I.V., all things which could explain her symptoms. Chase: [checking the file] No sign of malnutrition. Tox screen is clear. S.T.D. panel was negative. [looking toward the door] And… is that Foreman? [Foreman and Anita have just entered the diner. House feigns surprise.] House: Oh, my goodness, it is! [waves his hand widely] Hi, Dean Foreman! [House picks up his phone and starts taking pictures. Anita heads for a table in another part of the restaurant. Foreman comes over.] Are you not gonna introduce us because we're married? Oh, no, wait — that's her. Foreman: She's a pharmaceutical rep, and this is a working breakfast. House: In a restaurant that's nowhere near your home or the hospital. Foreman: Chris Christie recommends the pancakes. [leaves] Chase: Squamous cell middle ear tumor could have caused the ear bleed. Paraneoplastic reaction caused the breathing problems. [House takes a few more pictures and smiles slightly as he looks at this phone. On the other side of the diner, Foreman and Regina study their menus.] Taub: Middle ear looks completely normal. But there is thickening in the lining of the wall of the third ventricle. Could be a sign of cerebral infection. Adams: Would explain the lack of fever. Pneumococcus is pretty common among the homeless population. We should find out if she's been vaccinated. House: Sure, ask her, and when she refuses to tell you anything, start her on ceftriaxone for pneumococcus. Taub: And if she says she has been vaccinated? House: Then don't believe her, and start her on ceftriaxone for pneumococcus. Adams: How about we don't believe she's gonna bolt and we call Social Services? House: While I'm in the little boys' room, you can pretend that I'm seriously considering that idea. [He heads off. Park points in the opposite direction.] Park: The bathroom's that way. House: Pretty sure there's one in the hospital. [He grabs his jacket from the coat hooks and leaves as the waitress gives Taub House’s tab.] [Cut to Jane Doe’s room. Taub is hanging an IV bag while Adams talks to the patient.] Adams: When I was your age, I ran away. Lived on my own. At the time, it seemed— Jane Doe: Oh, let me guess. Life with mom and dad was kind of a drag. So you just ran away, lived with friends, and partied with guys that you knew your parents would hate. And then when you got tired of being a rebel, you just went home. Being homeless isn't a vacation for me. And I'm not acting out. My life at home sucked, so I got the hell out of there. Taub: There are other options besides living on the streets. Jane Doe: Right, like group homes, where you're packed in with as many messed-up delinquent kids as possible; foster parents who only take you in because you're a meal ticket. Taub: I can think of easier ways to make 175 bucks a week. Jane Doe: No, you're right — I really should roll the dice and hope for a pair that don't ruin my life the way that my mom— Get your hands off my stuff! [Adams has opened Jane Doe’s backpack.] Adams: The stuff might tell us more about why you're sick. A history textbook. You go to school? Jane Doe: I don't plan on being homeless forever. [Cut to the clinic. House enters an exam room. Two members of the Confederate Army are there. George, standing, is of low rank or no rank at all. Sheldon sits on the exam table. His jacket sleeves are covered with gold braid.] George: [bad southern accent] Hello, good sir. My brother, the General here, gots the green-apple quickstep. [House, gapes as he closes the door. He turns and looks closely at the calendar on the wall which is open to January 2012.] House: One of us is in the wrong time zone. And if it's me, I need to talk to a stockbroker and anyone from the Kennedy family, in that order. George: Well, he got the runs, and we do need him up and at 'em for battle tomorrow. House: It's hardly authentic, coming to a newfangled clinic, especially with a Yankee doctor. [“General” Sheldon hops off the table, sword clanking. He clicks his heels slightly as he addresses House in a southern accent as bad as his brother’s.] Sheldon: Sir, are you questioning my resolve? House: Yes, and your sanity. I'm multitasking. [Sheldon starts to leave. George stops him.] George: Uh, General… Don’t light out. We swore that we would see the elephant together. House: Well, far be it from me to come between two nut jobs and their "elephant." [He gets a bottle of milk of magnesia or antacid from a cupboard and hands it to Sheldon who looks at it suspiciously.] I could add some mercury, if you want to make it more authentic. George: The Confederacy thanks you, Doc. [Sheldon leaves. George salutes House and follows his brother. House shakes his head in disbelief.] [Cut to the cafeteria. Foreman and Taub are at a table. Chase joins them.] Chase: Got House's phone. Deleted all photos of you and Anita. Foreman: I owe you. Taub: An affair? Never knew you were such a tramp. Foreman: Neither did I. Anita, she's fun, smart. Not looking for anything serious. It's-it's… pretty perfect. Except for the gnawing guilt about the husband. The lies she must be telling him. Chase: But not guilty enough to stop seeing her. Taub: She's smoking hot, and it's not his job to protect her marriage. Foreman: Aren't you supposed to be pointing a finger at your own life as a cautionary tale? Taub: If not for cheating, I might still have a wife, but I wouldn't have Sophie and Sophia. Which means I wouldn't be preparing for their visit this week by child locking all my cabinets, padding table corners, and getting rid of every single magazine. Chase: You could probably just hide the prn in your underwear drawer. Taub: Magazines go away so I won't ignore my children. I know I have to pay attention to them. I want to pay attention to them, but they're just so… boring. [Chase and Foreman grin at each other. Taub’s cell phone rings.] Taub: Did you learn anything at Jane Doe's school? Adams: They did a bunch of vaccinations, including pneumococcus. Take her off the ceftriaxone. Taub: So we're back to square none? [Cut to Adams and Park searching a kitchen.] Adams: Not exactly. The name she registered under seems to be fake, but the address is a foreclosed house. We'll let you know what we find. Park: [checking the cupboards] Plenty of food, water. Adams: [opening another cupboard] And beer. Park: She eats well. Goes to school and makes good grades. She's a homeless girl who's captain of the volleyball team. Adams: How can you be okay with this? Your mom sends you to work with snacks. Park: I want and need parents. Jane Doe is flourishing without them. Adams: Maybe. [looking under the sink with a flashlight] But this mold definitely is. [Cut to Jane Doe’s room.] Jane Doe: [furious] You went to my school. Now that they know, they'll report me. I can't go back there! Adams: You may have a fungal infection. You need that medicine. Jane Doe: Fluconazole, right? [getting out of bed] I'll get it at a clinic. [collapses on the floor] Ohh! Oh. I can't feel my legs. Hey, wha— is that the infection? Adams: I don't think so. [Adams helps her up.] [END OF ACT ONE] [ACT TWO] [Cut to House wearing a classic red and black plaid jacket with a brown, visored hat and a hearing-protecting headset. The camera pulls back to reveal he’s holding a break-action, double-barreled gn. The team, sensibly, stand behind him. Only Taub wears a headset.] House: So… What causes an ear bleed, breathing problems, and our runaway's inability to run away? [He takes a new shell from his pocket and loads the gn.] Chase: Fungal infection's off the table. What about transverse myelitis? House: Not with normal posterior column function. [pumps the barrel] I've been waiting to do this for months. Pull! [The team members cover their ears. Someone from the range pushes a button and a clay pigeon flies from right to left in front of House. He sht. He misses. He stares at the target as it sails away, then inspects the gn.] Sights seem to be off on this. Adams: We didn't call Social Services before because we didn't want the patient to take off. Now she can't. There's no reason for us not to call. House: Well, how about the reason that there's no reason? This is working fine for me. Pull! [A new target flies past as House sht at it and misses again.] Well, now, that one clearly took evasive action. Adams: You want to protect her because you think she's fine on her own, outside the system. House: Does anyone have a position on our patient's medical condition? Taub: Could be endocarditis with septic emboli. House: Pull! [another miss] [to Taub] I'd turn around and sht you, but apparently I'd miss. There's no murmurs, no Osler nodes. Park: You've never done this before, have you? House: No, I have not. But all the time I had my ankle monitor on, I was furious that I couldn't. Chase: Vasculitis fits. House: [nods] Start treatment with steroids. She's lucky, she'll be free to flee again. Adams: Not once I call Social Services. I'm not giving up. House: You wanna bet? [shows her a gn shell] One sht, one birdie. You ht, you make the call. You miss, never mention it again. Adams: No. Why would I agree? House: 'Cause your only other option is you call and I fre you. [Adams takes off her gloves and takes the gn from House. As she closes the breech, he puts his headset on her. She cocks the gn.] Adams: Pull! [The birdie shatters. She opens the gn and the spent shell pops into the bucket. House gapes at her.] [Cut to Jane Doe’s room. A woman with a clipboard stands by the bed. Adams walks out, leaving them alone. Cut to the hall outside the room where Adams joins Taub.] Taub: She responding to corticosteroids? Adams: Looks like it. And Social Services. Taub: I thought for sure there'd be some yelling or profanity, possible bloodletting. Adams: She's tired of living on the streets after all. I'll bet House re… gret… [She stares at the social worker’s open-toe pumps with three-inch heels.] Could he know I'm good with a gn? Taub: I don't know how, but… [Cut to Foreman’s office.] Foreman: Hiring a hooker to pretend to be a social worker? House: She took a bet that she knew she'd win. Frankly, I feel violated. Adams: What happened to the social worker I called? Foreman: Apparently, someone identifying themselves as Dr. Pujols called and said the patient ran off. House: [giggles] Come on. "Poo holes." Foreman: I've informed Social Services of the mistake and given Jane Doe's description to the cops. They'll track down the parents. Adams: Thank you. I'll leave you and Dr. "Pujols" alone. [leaves] Foreman: You should have told me you were treating an underage clinic patient. House: I was giving you the gift of deniability. Foreman: Now I'm giving you the gift of additional clinic hours. House: [smug] No, you're not. Foreman: [smug-er] You've got nothing on me. Check your phone. House: Uh… my phone? Oh, right. Yes, I-I did have some pictures on that. But… I also have these. [He pulls a small stack of glossy prints from his pocket and drops them on Foreman’s desk one at a time.] There's the two of you kissing over dinner. Busting a move in a night club. Is that your hand near her nether regions? Thanks again for taking off the ankle bracelet. Foreman: I'm not gonna let you blackmail me, House. House: Oh, of course not. There's no way someone of your integrity would let me compromise your job in any major way over some tawdry bit of gossip. But what about compromising it in a minor way? Reduced clinic hours. Unlimited Internet prn budget. That makes much more sense than the nuclear option of ruining both our lives. You can keep these. I got copies. [leaves] [Cut to the clinic as House leaves Foreman’s office. He inhales deeply and joins Wilson at the desk.] House: How I miss the sweet smell of stickin' it to the man. Wilson: Adams is right. You're protecting this girl. House: [sniffs again] No, I was wrong. It's the stench of moralizing. I'm protecting myself from meddling bureaucrats and parents. Wilson: You admire this girl. She had a horrible home life, so she went out on her own. She's your road not taken. House: I've always dreamed of living in an abandoned house with mold. Wilson: House, all I'm accusing you of is having a connection with a patient. This is a good thing. House: It's not a good thing, 'cause it's not a thing. Wilson: It is a thing… which she'll prove when her parents show up and you start protecting her from them. [House pops a red lollipop in his mouth and watches Wilson go.] [Cut to Taub’s living room. He’s on the floor with Sophie and Sophia. He has a puppet on each hand.] Taub: The sound I make is, moooo! The sound I make is, quack quack quack quack quack. [Baby coughs. Taub looks around, bored, and notices a magazine under the couch.] Moo. [He tickles one of the girls with the cow puppet and gives it to her. He reaches for the magazine and gives his other daughter the duck puppet.] The sound is quack. Quack quack. Quack quack quack. [Both girls stare at the puppets in their laps.] [Cut to Taub and Adams walking down a hall at the hospital.] Taub: I'm an ass. On the plus side, I can now program my DVR from my phone. Adams: They are kind of boring. All kids, not just yours. Taub: Very helpful. Adams: You need to log more hours. Eventually, you'll pass boredom and get to bonding. Kind of like Stockholm syndrome. [They reach Jane Doe’s room. She’s out of bed and packing.] Jane Doe: I heard the nurses talking. You called Social Services for real. Adams: Because you shouldn't be living on your own. Jane Doe: Right, better my mom should use me as a punching bag. Taub: If your mom abused you, Social Services won't let you go home with her. Jane Doe: Have I mentioned I don't trust the system? Adams: We don't know if you're better yet. You can't just take off. [Jane Doe starts to answer but stops to stare at the two women who enter the room.] Taub: Uh, can we help you? Brown: I'm Adele Brown from Social Services, and this is— Ellen: I'm Ellen Rogers. Callie's mother. [And Jane Doe has a name.] Callie: You haven't been that for two years. Ellen: I promise, things are different. Callie: Mom… two sentences in, and you're already making promises. Brown: Okay, maybe we need to take a minute here and give Callie some space. Callie: No, I don't need a minute. I need her out of my life. [starts coughing] Ellen: Is she okay? Callie: I will be once you just… [She coughs blood onto the table.] Ellen: Oh, my God! Taub: We need help in here! [Callie continuing to cough as two nurses run into the room. One pulls Ellen away from the bedside. The other helps Taub and Adams as the later starts to suction the blood from Callie’s throat. Callie looks terrified.] [END OF ACT TWO] [ACT THREE] [Cut to House shouting.] House: Go! Announcer: And they're off! [The team is sitting at a large, round table. There are a few gray, concentric rings painted on it. The finish line, around the edge of the table, is red as is the center circle. A net over the center is raised, revealing two large turtles. Mr. Chips has a gray circle around the edge of his shell with a red line inside that. The number “3” is painted in the middle and “Snap-Off” is on one side. Franklin’s entire shell is painted gray with a pair of green and red racing stripes down the middle, running from front to back. The number “7” is in a circle in the center of his shell.] Adams: You bet 100 bucks on a turtle race? House: I paid Mr. Chips 5 bucks to take a dive. [The crowd cheer. The two turtles sit in their circle.] Adams: The bleeding stopped on its own. She got worse after being on steroids, so autoimmune is out. Park: Diagnosis depends on whether the blood was coming from the sinuses, lungs, or her guts. [Mr. Chips has wandered away from the center circle.] Mr. Chips looks like he wants it. 100 bucks says he'll make soup out of Franklin. [The crowd cheers the turtles on.] House: You're on. Adams: How'd the mom seem to you? House: If you're asking him if she looks like someone who bat her kid, you're a moron. Parks: Move your ass, Mr. Chips! [Mr. Chips has moved a few inches off the center circle and is following a gray circle. In the meantime, Franklin has meandered toward the red finish line. He stops in front of the team, looks at House and Taub yelling at him and makes a sharp U-turn, passing Mr. Chips on his way back to the center.] Adams: You should have seen her face when mom walked in. Callie hates her. I don't think she's lying. Chase: Because people never lie about people they hate. Big sinus bleed could be sinusitis and a bleeding disorder. Taub: She didn't complain about a headache. Adams: The bleeding is in her gut. Could be Zollinger-Ellison. Acid reflux causes asthma, and the acid erodes the stomach, causing the bleeding. [Franklin kept turning. He finally crosses the finish line a few feet past the team.] House, Taub and Assorted Bettors: Yes! House: Franklin rules. Mr. Chips drools. [to Park] Mr. Chips's owner only feeds him on apples and bananas. Nowhere near enough vitamin A. Pay up. [Park hands over the cash.] And do an upper endoscopy to confirm for Zollinger-Ellison, after Mommie Dearest has given her permission. Adams: Ellen shouldn't have consent if she bat her daughter. House: Doesn't matter if she bat her daughter. Only matters if Social Services says she bat her daughter. Good thing you made it all official. [Cut to a hallway. Adams is getting Ellen’s signature on the consent form.] Ellen: Will the endoscopy be painful? Adams: Is that an issue? It's a medical procedure. There will be some discomfort. Ellen: I never meant to hurt my daughter. Adams: And yet you ht her. Ellen: She told you that? Adams: And now you're gonna tell me you didn't. [She starts to walk away.] Ellen: I'm a drug addict. And I've been a lousy mom. [Adams comes back.] Especially since my husband died. I mean, he was closer to Callie than I was, and I missed him… so much. And it was too hard. And taking Oxy just… made things easier. Right up until it made me lose my daughter. I hurt Callie a lot. But one of the only things that I can feel okay about is that I never ht her. [Cut to Foreman opening the door to his apartment, letting Anita in.] Anita: Didn't peg you as the midday fun kind of guy. So glad I was wrong. [She starts to kiss him. After the first one, Foreman breaks it up and backs away.] Foreman: Ohh. Unfortunately, that's not why we're here. Remember that guy from the restaurant yesterday? Anita: Mm-hmm. Foreman: He's got pictures of us. He's thrat to show your husband. Anita: I thought you said that guy was one of your best doctors. Foreman: Not one of my best people. We've gotta stop seeing each other. Anita: Not necessarily. I told my husband about you. Foreman: What? [She smiles.] Why? Anita: He was saying that things had been better lately between him and I, that I was happier. I said that I was. And that you were the reason. Foreman: And… he was okay with that? Anita: Not initially. It was a pretty tough conversation. Neither of us is ready to give up on the marriage. And I am not ready to give up this. You don't have to feel so guilty anymore. [She starts kissing him again and he kisses her back.] [Cut to a white cloth bandage being unwrapped from around a gruesome, bloody foot. George, still in uniform, is back in the clinic. He moans as House exposes the wound. House is grossed out.] House: You didn't need to sh*t yourself. I could have given you a Section 8. George: [in a Yankee accent] We've ht the drills pretty hard, and by the fourth round, my hand went numb. The-the gn slipped and— I only had blanks in it, but… House: It's funny how nearly shting your toe off cured that speech impediment. George: Ah. Yeah. Sorry about that. Sheldon's a… progressive. House: Eh — compared to who? Rupert Murdoch? George: Progressives are reenactors who strive for complete authenticity. They never drop character while in uniform. House: Whereas you just dabble in crazy. George: [sighs] Sheldon and I had a big falling out years ago. We only really started talking again because of the reenactments. They, uh… gave me my brother back. House: That's a very moving story. Be a lot more affecting if you hadn't bonded over something so completely idiotic. [House starts cleaning the would. George hisses.] [Cut to treatment room. Adams and an orderly wheel Callie in for her upper endoscopy.] Adams: Your mom didn't ht you, did she? Callie: No. Adams: Then why'd you lie about it? Callie: Because I wanted to get out of here. People understand getting ht more than what my mom does. Adams: Tell me. Maybe I'll understand. Callie: [thinks then shrugs] Well, I was the mom. She couldn't keep a job. Spend all her money on pills. I had to get a job. Double shifts, just to keep the power on. Keep food in the house. I couldn't tell you how many times she nearly O.D.ed and I had to clean her up and put her in bed. So… I decided, if I was gonna be the grown-up, I'd rather do it on my own terms. Adams: [nods] Your mom knows she messed up. She's determined not to do it again. Callie: Yeah. And she'll feel that way, right up until things get too tough and she has to start using again. [Cut to Chase doing the procedure. He and Adams observe Callie’s digestive tract on a screen. Callie is unconscious.] Adams: Do you think people can change? Chase: No. But I don't think that's gonna change your opinion, because… people don't change. Adams: Stop. Is that an ulcer? Chase: Yeah, it is. But we haven't reached the stomach yet. I'm still high in the esophagus. Means it's not Zollinger-Ellison. Adams: Ulcer's bleeding. [The screen goes red.] Chase: We need to lavage before she drowns in her own blood. [He tilts Callie forward. She coughs blood onto the floor.] [END OF ACT THREE] [ACT FOUR] [Cut to Diagnostics. The team is at the table. House is making coffee.] Chase: Cauterized the ulcer, stopped the bleeding. Taub: Compromised immune system from living on the street could have made her susceptible to HPV. Adams: HPV was covered on the STD panel. She's negative. What if she didn't get this from being homeless? What if she got it from her mom? Park: I'm assuming you're thinking something genetic, because— Adams: I'm thinking addiction. Alcohol-induced esophagitis. Chase: Explains esophageal ulcers and her other symptoms. House: [joining them] If only it would explain why we've never seen her drunk, drinking, or detoxing. Adams: Her blood pressure's been elevated. Could be the DTs. Taub: It's been mildly elevated. House: Mildly elevated BP could put her at risk of a Berry aneurysm. Weak blood vessel in the brain gets pounded on by elevated BP, causes it to expand and contract. Causes the symptoms to come and go. Adams: CT didn't show any signs of an aneurysm. House: Did I mention they come and go? Much as your presence may cause objects to become engorged with blood, sometimes aneurysms just aren't in the mood. Adams: Alcoholism and Berry aneurysm are both valid theories. I think we should discuss this with the patient and her mom. House: Why? We discussed it right here. Go tell 'em she needs a cerebral angiogram to locate the aneurysm, then surgery to repair. [Cut to Callie’s room. Taub and Adams are talking to Callie and Ellen.] Callie: Brain surgery? When? Taub: We booked the O.R. for an hour from now. Ellen: And Dr. House is sure that's what she has? Taub: He's confident in the diagnosis. It's consistent with all of her symptoms. Callie: [studying Adams’ face] But you don't buy it. Adams: No. I think your symptoms are the result of alcohol abuse. Callie: But I'm not — I'm not an alcoholic. Adams: You came to the hospital with beer in your pocket. We found more alcohol at your house. Callie: Yeah, I use booze as payment. I have an occasional beer with my friends. That doesn't mean I have a problem. I want the surgery. Taub: Actually, it's your mom's decision. Callie: I'm not an addict. Ellen: That's what I always said to you, Callie, but I had a problem— Callie: I'm nothing like you! Tell them to do the surgery. Ellen: I need a few minutes to think. [leaves] [Cut to House’s office.] Adams: The patient asked me what I thought. House: I pay you to think inside this room. Outside this room, I pay you to parrot. Adams: It's her choice. She has the right to know! House: It's a medical choice that you turned into an extension of your baggage and hers. You told the mom something you want to believe because you don't want to believe that this girl might be doing fine parent-free. Which also happens to be what the mom wants to believe. Adams: You think she wants to feel responsible for her daughter's illness? House: That woman sees everything to do with her daughter through… guilt-colored glasses. It's all her fault. [He exhales loudly then starts to leave.] Adams: House… don't… bully her. She's overwhelmed enough. House: Well, it's nothing compared to how she's gonna feel when her daughter dies from the aneurysm she decided not to treat. [Cut to the lobby. Ellen is on a bench, staring at the waterfall. House joins her. He rubs his leg, pops open his pills and takes a Vicodin or two. Ellen looks at the medicine bottle, transfixed.] Ellen: You must be Dr. House. House: I save my appearances for when parents are on the brink of doing something incredibly stupid. Your daughter has a Berry aneurysm. She needs surgery. What she does not need is you making this or any other decision. Ellen: Well, I can't just leave this up to her. House: Then leave it up to me, and just leave. Ellen: Ohh. I'm not gonna abandon my daughter. House: She hates you. [long pause. Ellen finally nods, acknowledging the truth of that statement.] It's actually not such a big deal. There's plenty of kids who hate their parents. What makes it a big deal is that she should hate you. Playing the biology card doesn't change anything except where she lives. Your daughter is better off without you. So… let her be better off without you. I'm gonna do the surgery. I'll take the fallout from Social Services. [He gets up and leaves. Ellen looks down and sees that he left his pills. She slides her hand down her leg and slowly picks up the bottle.] [Cut to House, walking down the halls.] Ellen: [loudly] Dr. House! [He turns.] My daughter's care is my choice. And so is this. [gives him his Vicodin] Treat her for alcoholism. [Cut to Taub’s apartment. Chase is on the floor, playing with the girls who are in baby seats. Taub and Foreman are behind them, in the kitchen.] Chase: Peek-a-boo! [babies laugh] Foreman: Why would Anita tell her husband about our affair? Chase: Probably just got sick of lying. Look at it this way. Now the sex is both commitment- and guilt-free. [switches to baby talk voice and turns to the girls] And men love commitment-free sex. Yes, they do. Oh, yes, they do! [Taub bangs a bottle on counter. Chase talks to him in his normal voice.] They're gonna find out eventually. Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! Taub: How do you keep doing the same thing over and over with the same level of enthusiasm? Chase: First off, be a decent, empathetic person. [to Foreman] This is what you said you wanted, but you're actually more upset now that her husband knows. Foreman: 'Cause I'm hurting him. Taub: You always were. Foreman: Yeah, but he didn't know that. Which means he wasn't really hurt. Yeah, I know it's a rationalization, but it went a long way to making me feel… a little less guilty about seeing her. Chase: Looks like you're gonna need a bigger rationalization. [back to the babies] Ahh… peek-a-boo! [baby laughs] Peek-a-boo! [Cut to Callie’s room. Adams is talking to her. Ellen is trying to sleep on the sofa in the waiting area.] Adams: Social Services report came in on your mom. Callie: Ah, let me guess. She passed with flying colors. She always does. Adams: I think she might make it this time. House left a bottle of Vicodin to see if she'd steal it. She gave it back. You could at least let her sleep in the room. Callie: She could have listened to me about my drinking. I mean, even if you are right about it, why take your word over mine? I'm her daughter. Adams: Because it… She's your mom. And, for the first time, she's acting like it. Callie: It's a little late for that. Good night. [She turns her head on the pillow away from Adams and shuts her eyes.] [END OF ACT FOUR] [ACT FIVE] [The next morning. House is wearing his overcoat and carrying his backpack. He gets in the elevator and turns around. He punches the button rapidly but, before the doors close, Wilson jumps in.] House: Morning! Wilson: I heard you went head-to-head with the mom. House: Not for your reasons. Wilson: You're protecting the girl. House: I'm protecting my diagnosis. Wilson: And you tested her — see if you could get her back on drugs and out of her daughter's life. House: That was to show Adams that Mommie Dearest hadn't changed. I'm taking a principled stand against idealism. Wilson: Your patient's sab? Well, maybe Adams was right. The illness is alcohol-related. House: Well, I hope so, considering it's what we're treating her for. Wilson: You-you hope you're wrong for the sake of the patient? House: I hope that I'm right but the aneurism bursts without klling her. Call me a softie. [They get off the elevator.] Or the mom agrees to an autopsy so I can prove it. [They split up. Wilson walks to his office. He opens the door. Taub is there.] Taub: Your patients love you because you're empathetic. Wilson: I also have kind eyes. Why are you here? Taub: But you don't love all your patients? Wilson: Of course not. Taub: I'll-I'll bet some of them bore you. Wilson: Dull people get cancer too. Why are you here? Taub: But you… fake an interest in them because you needed to, right? And if you do it long enough, it becomes real? Wilson: Well, no, because the interest isn't fake. Taub: Really? [tries again] Because you realize they're not dull. It was just your misinterpretation of them. Wilson: I just haven't found a way to make them interesting yet. It's all about common ground. You find one thing you both like or hate. John Woo movies, romance novels, kale… [realizes he’s not getting through to Taub] Sometimes, the best way to connect with someone is stop thinking about them and focus on yourself. Wh-uhh. What is this about? Taub: Not everything has an agenda. See ya. [He leaves. A confused Wilson stays.] [Cut to a restaurant. Anita and Foreman are in a booth.] Anita: I told him because it was the right thing to do. Foreman: Right. Anita: This doesn't change anything between us. Foreman: It… sort of does for me. Anita: Y-you want to stop seeing each other? Foreman: No. I was thinking… maybe you could tell your husband that we did. Anita: And then go back to sneaking around behind his back? Foreman: Yes. Anita: Why would you want to do that? Foreman: I don't know. I… This just feels… wrong. Anita: I th-I think I'm gonna go. [leaves] [Cut to the clinic. George, who has a metal crutch under one arm thanks to his foot, has his arms wrapped around a trash can. He vomits into it, loudly. Sheldon rushes over to hold and share the can. House walks in in time to witness the spew.] George: Ohh, God. We thought it was the salt pork. Sheldon: [still in character] But all the menfolk been eatin' it, and we the only ones that's sick. [George vomits some more while Sheldon holds the can. House picks up Sheldon’s jacket that he’d placed on a stool. He sits.] House: Which one of you is the cheap bastard? [Sheldon makes a “huh”-type grunt.] Your uniforms. They're not wool. They're polyester. Cheap polyester. Which gets processed with a heavy metal called antimony. You wear badly processed polyester all day and night for days and nights, you get antimony poisoning, which caused your diarrhea and your numbness in your hands. And your collective vomiting. George: Polyester uniforms? Sheldon: I was being authentic. George: With polyester uniforms? Sheldon: The Confederacy gave men $21 every six months— George: You poisoned us both. Sheldon: At least I have principles. George: Because they don't cost anything. House: Brother against brother. Now, that is authentic. [They both vomit in the trash can again as House leaves (without treating them for heavy metal poisoning.)] [Cut to Callie’s room. Ellen walks in slowly. She’s holding a small, white paper bag.] Ellen: I know you don't want me here, but, um… They had banana muffins downstairs. Reminded me of our St. Pete's trip. [puts the bag on Callie’s table.] Remember? We used to walk and get some every morning at that bakery. Callie: I guess. [Ellen starts to leave.] Were you high on that trip? Ellen: [turns back] Not when we were together. I used to wait until you went to bed. [She starts to leave again.] Callie: You can stay. If you want. Ellen: Okay. [She sits down as Adams, who has been watching the whole exchange, tiptoes out.] Callie: [opening the bag and taking a bite.] Mm. It's not bad. [Callie’s eyes roll back in her head and she passes out as alarms beeping.] Ellen: What's happening? [Adams rushes back] Is this from the alcohol treatment? Adams: I was wrong. The Berry aneurysm must have just burst. [END OF ACT FIVE] [ACT SIX] [Cut to an O.R.] Adams: Temporal lobes are clear. Parietal, clear. Chase: Get me a micro-vascular clip tray as well as the occlusion. House: [on speaker from the observation deck] Check the ventricles. Adams: Ventricles are clear too. House: Aneurysm must have leaked instead of burst. Inject the dye. [Adams watches the monitor.] Adams: Posterior cerebral clear. Vertebral clear. Circle of Willis also clear. She doesn't have a Berry aneurysm. [House thinks. Chase and Adams are looking up at House, waiting, when an alarm beeps] Chase: Her BP's dropping. Start her on pressors. We gotta get her BP up before her organs start shutting down. House: Adams… with me. [Her spot at the table is filled in by someone else.] [Cut to Diagnostics. Chase is apparently still in surgery. The rest of the team is standing around the table.] Adams: Pressors will only give us a couple hours, Max. Taub: What causes breathing issues, bleeding issues, paralysis, loss of consciousness? What are we missing? Adams: That's everything bad that's happened. What about the good stuff? Park: You mean like we should be more optimistic? Adams: She got a little better when we put her on steroids, which can attck tumor cells. Maybe she has cancer. House: No hypercalcemia, no elevated blood proteins. Adams: She and her mom mentioned a trip they took to Florida a couple years ago —what about dengue fever? Cholera? House: Great ideas, if dengue fever or cholera laid in wait for two years before suddenly… [House has his “eureka” moment and leaves.] [Cut to the waiting area where Ellen sits.] House: Did your biological daughter go swimming in Florida? In a lake or a pond or an Everglade? Ellen: Uh…yeah. There's a canal near my mother's house. Do you know what's wrong with her? House: Family vacations k*ll. [He heads into the O.R.] Come with me. Don't want to explain this twice. [Cut to the O.R. An unscrubbed House and Ellen walk in. House stops her from going all the way into the room.] Chase: You're letting in the flies. And she needs an LVAD. House: No, she doesn't. Your daughter has ascariasis. It's a disease caused by a parasitic worm found in feces. Animals use the canal as a potty, the eggs from the feces ended up in Callie's intestines when she went swimming… [CGI of Callie’s intestines] where they hung out, quietly and asymptomatically, biding their time till, somewhere along the way, they got knocked loose. Maybe a dive in volleyball practice or maybe she slipped on her way into a soup kitchen. But once they hatched, the worms got to work on her lungs, her ear, the nerves in her legs. The worms got agitated by the steroids we gave her, which started them on their journey to the esophagus and, ultimately, to the heart. A few pills of Mebendazole… She'll be fine. [He turns to leave and holds the door open so Ellen will leave, too.] [Cut to the hallway outside Callie’s room.] Ellen: She's feeling much better. Walking on her own. Adams: Getting along with her mother? Ellen: As long as I keep bringing her muffins. [They reach the room. The bed is empty.] Ellen: Did someone come take her for a test? [She checks the bathroom. Adams sees a folded piece of notebook paper addressed to “Mom” on the bedside table. House glowers from the nurses’ station as Adams leaves Ellen alone with the note.] Adams: Callie agrees with you… that people don't change. She said when her mom slips again, she didn't want to be there. She'd rather remember her like she is now. House: Smart girl. Adams: You got the ending you wanted. House: 'Cause I was only looking to solve the case, not their lives. Now, I don't care if the people who work for me are screwed up. In fact, I even encourage it. But absolution? You do that on your own time. [pause] Or not at all. 'Cause… clearly, you suck at it. [Cut to Taub’s living room. He watches, bored, as the girls sit in their chairs, cooing. One of them drops a pig on the floor. He pushes a box of toys to them and leans back in his chair as Foy Vance’s “Be the Song” begins playing. Taub sees a sports magazine on the coffee table. He looks at it, at his daughters and back to the magazine. He caves and picks it up. He flips through it and holds it up to show the girls a page.] Taub: This is Aaron Rodgers. Wow, 127 quarterback rating. You know what sound he makes? Grrrrr! [Sophie and Sophia laugh. Taub smiles. He sits on the floor and opens the magazine to another page.] Okay. Oy! Um… This… is Terrell Owens. People call him "T.O." Do you know what sound he makes? Wah! Wah! [He laughs along with the girls.] Wah! Wah! Wah! Taub: This is Mark Sanchez. Do you know what sound people make about him? Pffftt! [He blows a raspberry.] [Cut to the hospital lobby. House gets off the elevator, wearing his coat. He sees Foreman, who isn’t dressed for a New Jersey winter.] House: Working late? Husband have her tonight? Foreman: And every night. She broke it off. It's for the best. I'm not really an affair guy after all. House: Sure you are, buddy. You just lost interest once it stopped being an affair. That's why you're relieved. But don't worry — it's not gonna end here. You'll just have to get your adrenaline fix somewhere else. [He opens the Vicodin bottle.] When that doesn't do it anymore, then you'll just… escalate things somehow. [swallows pills] At least, that's what I've been told. Foreman: I'm not like you, House. House: True. No limp. [He leaves Foreman standing at the desk, staring after him.] [END]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x10 - Runaways"}	foreverdreaming
Taub: [voice] Pressure. I need pressure. Adams: [voice] Get me sutures on a Kelly. Taub: [voice] Need an epi. Adams: [voice] Get O.R. ten unpacked. Alert trauma. [Cut to House in a dark, silent bathroom. He stares at himself in the mirror for several seconds then turns on the tap. He cups his hands, fills them with water and splashes his face. He dries it with a paper towel.] [Cut to House slowly walking down a deserted hall. One wall is lined with old-fashioned sash windows. Only his legs and cane are visible, viewed from the back, until he reaches the end of the hall.] [Cut to House opening a door. He looks around, closes the door behind him and approaches a table. He sits at the only chair on the side near the door. An impressive man, about House’s age, sits on the only chair on the other side. He makes sure House sees him turn on a small recorder.] Cofield: Let the record show that we are officially convening a disciplinary hearing regarding the events of February 3, 2012 in patient room 209. Dr. House, this recording will be transcribed and published along with all supporting documentation and rulings. Do you have any questions before we get started? House: Yeah. Who the hell are you? Cofield: I'm Walter Cofield, Chief of Neurology, Mercy Hospital. I'll be deciding your fate today. House: Cofield. [thinks] You were the Residency Director at Hopkins before you moved to Mercy, which means it's safe to assume that you trained Foreman. Which means it's also safe to assume that he trusts you. Cofield: This hearing isn't about me, Dr. House. I know you'd like to make it about me, because then it wouldn't be about you. House: It's interesting that he'd pick the old mentor to judge the new one. Cofield: Interesting, but not relevant. The facts of this case, on the other hand— House: [interrupting] The facts are in the file. If you have trouble reading my handwriting, give me a call. I'm going back to work. [House stands, reaches the door and opens it.] Cofield: If I just consider the file, the facts aren't in your favor. The facts say you should be suspended, which, from what I understand, would mean a revocation of your parole. [House closes the door and returns to his seat. There’s a long pause before House starts talking. As he does, the scene shifts to a man jogging on a snow-covered, tree-lined road. His legs give way and he ends up splayed on the ice.] House: The patient was a 32-year-old high school chemistry teacher. He collapsed while out jogging. He was paralyzed in all four extremities despite the fact that the scans… [Cut to Foreman’s office.] Foreman: Show no sign of stroke or structural lesions. House: Put out an APB for a car with a man-shaped dent in the grill? Foreman: No broken bones, no signs of trauma. House: Transverse myelitis. Boring. Foreman: No enhancement on the MRI. I just don't know what to do. [pleading] Please. You have to help me solve this thing. [As a heavenly choir intones, House reaches over and takes the file which he tucks under one arm. He raises his cane heaven-ward in his other hand and stands very tall as a ray of light shines on him from above.] [Cut to the conference room. Cofield smirks.] House: A little poetic license. [He takes some Vicodin.] Cofield: What are you doing? House: Taking my Vic-amins. Cofield: Those are Vicodin? Did you have surgery recently? House: About a decade ago. My leg is no good at judging time. Cofield: Were you taking Vicodin during this case? House: Uhh… Yes. [takes another] And during about nine years of previous cases. [He tosses the empty pill bottle in a trash can.] My process is proven. Good things usually happen. Bad things sometimes happen. Cofield: And when bad things happen, we should figure out what went wrong, so we can learn from it and correct it. House: So that we can assign blame instead of recognizing that bad things sometimes happen. It was nobody's fault. Cofield: And then what happened? [Cut to Diagnostics. House is flipping copies of the file on the table.] House: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym. Those who can't move their arms or legs teach us to laugh at others. Cofield: House actually presented the case in that way, or are you just trying to make him look bad? [Pan to Adams who is in the interviewee chair. Note that, while it seems that Cofield interviewed each team member in two sessions, we see those sessions merged based on the patient’s time line. In this round, the camera pans from Cofield to the other person and back, without editing cuts. In some cases the camera moves a full 360º around the table before returning to Cofield’s face. After this, while the camera will still circle Cofield during several rounds of interviews, there will be a cut to the other person.] Adams: Why would I be trying to make him look bad? Cofield: Could be your not-so-subtle way of implying this was House's fault. [She rolls her eyes.] Given what's happened, it's understandable that your opinion would color your testimony, but I just want to know what you said, what you did, and what you were thinking at the time. Adams: I don't think it was his fault. Cofield: Just tell me your initial theory. Taub: I thought the patient had a liver problem. Hepatic encephalopathy explained why he passed out, why he couldn't move his limbs. Cofield: But that's not the idea House went with. Park: He thought Taub's idea was stupid. Cofield: And what about your idea? Park: He thought that was stupid too. Cofield: [slight laugh] No, I meant, what was it? Park: Oh. I thought the patient had normal pressure hydrocephalus. Cofield: And why did House think that was stupid? House: Oh, come on. Unless you're an idiot, you know why I thought Park was an idiot. Cofield: [looks at patient file] The patient had low opening pressure on his LP. House: That's what I said. [Cut to Diagnostics. House paces.] House: No, you idiot. The patient had low opening pressure on his LP. Try unsquinting your eyes and reading the labs next time. [Cut to the conference room.] Cofield: Are you intentionally trying to get me to dislike you? House: That wasn't me. The chair squeaked. Cofield: You're testifying, for the record, that you actually used the phrasing "unsquint your eyes"? It's not the place to exorcise your guilt just b— House: I actually used the phrasing [enunciating clearly into the recorder] "unsquint your eyes." [Cut to Diagnostics.] Chase: [batting a copy of the file away before it hits Park in the face] He's hypokalemic. Could indicate a problem with his heart, which would… Adams: EKG was normal. House: But Chase, a doctor who actually takes the time to read the lab reports, has a point. The guy's potassium is off. Could be thyrotoxic paralysis. Start him on… [Cut to the conference room.] House: …steroids, PTU, and beta blockers. Cofield: Mm-hmm. And how did these orange smudges get on the patient files? House: Seriously? That's your follow-up? I eat a lot of Cheetos, I forget to wash my hands. Is my snacking really relevant to this case? Cofield: Might be, if these were actually Cheetos stains. What are they? Chase: Seriously, House? House: You're blaming me? You used Adams' shampoo. [Chase looks at Adams.] Adams: [calmly] I didn't do it. [Chase rubs his head then starts flipping through the patient file. It was his copy that Cofield was looking at.] [Cut to the conference room.] House: It was a harmless prank. My team is made up of Type A personalities. They need something to break the tension every once in a while. Cofield: So this was a team-building exercise? Adams: Is that what he called it? Cofield: That's what he implied. Adams: House prefers chaos over cohesion. He believes that disagreement and mistrust lead to better ideas. He's not wrong. Cofield: As opposed to being right? [pause] So you treated with steroids. And then what happened? Adams: They worked. Our patient woke up. ** Emily: Bill? Can you hear me? Bill: Yeah. I'm thirsty. Adams: [checking his eyes] That's normal. You've been in a coma for several hours. Can you tell me your name? Bill: Uh, Bill. Bill Koppelman. Can you tell me what happened to me? Taub: We're treating you for an overactive thyroid. We think that's why you passed out and couldn't move. Adams: Can you wiggle your fingers for me? [Two teenage girls appear in the doorway. Madison, on the left, carries a bunch of helium balloons and a card. Jordan, on the right, has a vase of roses and daisies.] Jordan: Is he going to be okay? Taub: Excuse me, but only family members are allowed. Bill: It's okay. They're my students. Jordan: Everyone back at school is so worried about you. Madison: Is he sick because of the explsin? Taub & Adams: What explsin? [Cut to the conference room.] Cofield: What explsin? Taub: A chemistry demonstration he was doing for his class went wrong. Cofield: Why was it not already in the patient history? Taub: Because the patient was unconscious. Cofield: But I'm assuming Dr. House spoke to the wife. Taub: The wife didn't know about the explsin. And I was the one who questioned her, so, if there was an oversight, it was mine. Cofield: Does Dr. House not attach importance to patient histories? Taub: No, he thinks they're crucial. He just doesn't think being in the same room as the patient is crucial. House thinks avoiding patients allows him to stay as objective as possible. [pause] He's not wrong. Cofield: Sounds like a very diplomatic way of saying he's lazy. House: That's also true. Either way, I'm covered. If you want an accurate patient history, don't ever talk to the patient. Everybody lies. Except me. To you. Would never do that. Cofield: Okay. Say you're right. If you had actually been in the room, questioning the patient, you could read body language, you could ask follow-up questions, warn him of the costs of lying to you. House: Don't forget the thumbscrews. Cofield: Can you dispute the possibility that, had you visited the patient sooner, maybe talked to the wife, been directed to one of the students, that this case might have ended very differently? [House looks uncomfortable but doesn’t answer.] [Cut to room 209.] Bill: It wasn't exactly an explsin. It was a controlled reaction that went a little haywire. Jordan: It was too an explsin. Simon Harris filmed the whole thing on his camera phone and posted it on YouTube. Madison: It got, like, over 75,000 hits already. Emily: Looks like you've gone viral, hon. [He coughs, sits up and coughs blood onto the blanket.] [Cut to the conference room.] House: He had a loss of consciousness, temporary paralysis… But when I was told the patient coughed up blood, then things really started to get interesting. Cofield: Your patient was doubled over in pain and coughing up blood, and you found that interesting? House: Why, is that bad? Cofield: It's interesting. [Cut to room 209. Bill and Adams are looking at the YouTube video. Emily stands by the bed.] Bill: I do this demonstration every year. I usually have a student aide help me set it up, and apparently this year he added extra hydrofluoric acid, which is why it exploded. [On the computer, Bill adds something to a beaker. The resulting explsin hurls him back against the wall.] [Cut to the conference room.] Adams: The student aide was just trying to make a viral video, not hurt anyone. Ended up doing both. So we figured the patient inhaled the extra large dose of hydrofluoric acid and… [Cut to Diagnostics.] Adams: …brned his lungs, which is why he coughed up blood. Taub: If only burnt lungs explained the passing out and paralysis. Park: The explsin does. Check out the video again. He smacked his head against the wall. If that caused swelling in his brainstem, that would have led to eventual loss of consciousness and paralysis. [Cut to the conference room.] Park: So we discussed it a little longer, and House decided to treat with heparin. Cofield: I wouldn't mind a couple more details. Park: It was aerosolized heparin. Cofield: You skipped over the actual DDX, and now you're averting your eyes. I'm growing more and more curious by the moment. [Cut to Diagnostics.] Park: He smacked his head against the wall. If that caused swelling in his brainstem, that would have led to eventual loss of consciousness and paralysis. House: [muffled] Nobody move. Taub: Aagh! [House is wearing an industrial gas mask. He’s holding a smoking jar.] [Cut to the conference room.] Cofield: He… he had on a what? Park: Gas mask. [long pause] The stink bmb was Chase's. He was getting revenge for the orange hair and rigged it in House's office. But House found it. Cofield: Mm-hmm. [Cut to Diagnostics.] House: You can leave when I have an answer. Chase: [through his lab coat sleeve, which he is holding to his nose and mouth] It might help if we knew the question. House: How do we treat chemical burns inside the lungs? Adams: [speaking quickly with the front of her blouse pulled up over her nose] Maybe we can use a bronchoalveolar lavage to wash 'em out with water. House: Sorry. My fault. Should have clarified. How do we treat chemical burns inside the lungs without klling the patient? Park: [hands cupped over her mouth and nose] Silver sulfadiazine works well on chemical burns. House: Burn cream would drown him faster than water. [waves stink bmb] Well? Taub: [temporarily parting the lapels of his lab coat and sticking his head up] Aerosolized heparin. House: Me likey. Park: But that's only experimental. It's never actually been used before. House: Not true. [Cut to the conference room.] House: Been used in sheep. Cofield: Uh-huh. House: The guy was going downhill fast. We needed a treatment that was a… slope changer. Cofield: So you busted out the sulfur dioxide stink bmb? House: It was a team-building exercise. Cofield: No. It was manipulation. You were pressuring your team into coming up with unsafe medical ideas just to get out of that room. House: You say pressure, I say inspire. The usual safe ideas were not gonna work. Aerosolized heparin might. Cofield: And everyone else just went along with this? Park: No. I told House I thought it was a mistake. Cofield: And those were your exact words? Park: I think I might have said insane. Cofield: You thought it was insane, and yet you let it happen. Park: No, I… Cofield: If you disagree with Dr. House on patient safety, doctor, it is your duty to speak up. Otherwise, you are equally to blame. Park: I did speak up. I tried. Cofield: And you failed. Park: And that's why I went to Dr. Foreman. [He nods slightly] [Cut to Foreman’s office.] Park: The heparin could cause the patient to bleed into his lungs even faster. Foreman: It is crazy, but House doesn't do crazy just for crazy's sake. If he thinks this is the only way to help your patient… [He cuts off the discussion by walking out on her.] [Pan to the side of the office Cuddy’s desk used to occupy. It’s much darker and Cofield and Foreman are looking out the window at the snow.] Cofield: You did not tell me you were involved in this case when you asked me to do this. Foreman: I wasn't. The heparin decision didn't have anything to do with the outcome. Cofield: If signing off on everything House does is a pattern, it affects the way House behaves, it affects the way House's team reacts to the way House behaves. Foreman: House… is brilliant. I give him the benefit of the doubt most of the time because I've seen what he can do. Cofield: Getting House out of prison is the biggest decision you've made as Dean of Medicine, right? And if he's suspended as a result of this hearing, he violates his parole and he goes back. And that probably leaves you as former Dean of Medicine. Foreman: I suppose so. Cofield: You didn't choose me to oversee this because you thought I could be objective. You chose me because you thought I'd have your back and I'd think twice about making a decision that would get you fired. [pause] Eric. I'm sorry. But if your get-House-out-of-jail-free experiment blows up in your face, it's not my job to get you out of it. [Cut to the conference room. None of the main lights are on but the spots over the bookcases lining the wall are. It’s a little brighter.] Cofield: After you'd administered the heparin, I see there was a discharge order on the chart, and yet the patient never left. Adams: House ordered a therapeutic bath first to wash off any residual chemicals from the blast. But we wound up finding something. [Cut to treatment room. Bill is in a stainless tub, being rinsed off by an attendant.] Adams: You have a bit of a rash. Can you raise both your arms? I just need to see how far it goes. Bill: [hands over his head] You told me it was going to be okay. And now there's still something wrong with me. Park: It probably doesn't mean anything, but we want to make sure. Bill: Of course you do. I got to get out of here, okay? [He keeps starting to stand up.] Adams: Ju-just relax. Bill: Please just let me get out of here. Adams: It'll just take a minute. We just need to get a good look at the rash. [Cut to the conference room.] Park: The rash? That was nothing. Just some irritation from lying in bed all day. The problem was the patient's brain. He freaked out. [Cut to the treatment room. Bill is trying to stand up. The attendant holds him down.] Bill: I got to… I got to get out. I got to get out of here. [Cut to the conference room. The panning around the table is back, but this time there are cuts to the team members after the pans to Cofield.] Adams: "Freak out" is a little strong. In my opinion at the time, it was the rash that was gonna kll him. Invasive strep. Cofield: Reasonable theory, supported by the evidence. Park: The evidence pointed to psychosis. We caused it by giving him steroids when he first came in. Cofield: What'd you think? Taub: I thought Park and Adams were both right but that their conclusions were both wrong. The neuro symptoms and the rash were both signs of an underlying disease. Together with the lung, it added up to Wegener's. Cofield: How does Dr. House handle it when three smart doctors come up with three different but equally valid ideas? House: I run a diagnostic trial. [Cut to Diagnostics.] House: Start the patient on high-dose steroids. Multiple birds, single stone. If Taub is right, then he will walk out of here cured. If Adams is right, he'll spike a fever, get hypotensive, we can treat it. He can walk out of here cured. If Park is right, he goes all cuckoo's nest on us, we can cross "brain" off the list… [Cut to the conference room.] House: …diagnose him, and he can walk out of here cured. Cofield: Are you trying to make this easy for me? By your own admission, if you give the patient steroids, two of the three outcomes are gonna make him worse. House: What was making the patient worse was not having a diagnosis. This was the fastest way to get it. It was a perfect diagnostic moment. Cofield: In light of what happened, you still think it was the perfect diagnostic moment? House: Yes. My theory accounted for all the medical outcomes. [Cofield raises one eyebrow.] It did not account for the disobedience of my own team. [Cut to room 209. Chase is there with a cart. He takes off his lab coat.] Adams: What are you doing? Chase: I think you're right about the strep. [tucks his tie into his shirt] Can't hurt to biopsy the rash while we're waiting. Adams: Thanks. [Cut to the conference room. Cofield has taken off his jacket.] Adams: At the time, it seemed like a good idea. Cofield: I know this is hard, but please tell me exactly what happened next. [Cut to room 209. The kit is open. Chase removes supplies.] Chase: Draw up a little anesthetic. Adams: Two CCS Lidocaine. [She inverts the bottle and inserts needle. As Chase puts on his gloves, Bill throws off the bed clothes violently.] Bill: Get away from me. [He smacks Adam’s hand, causing her to drop the bottle and cringe against the wall. Chase climbs over the bed to grab Bill from behind. Bill tries to shake him off by slamming forward into the bedside table then back against the windowed wall. By this time Adams is right to be cowering in a corner — it is getting very violent. Bill turns around to ht at Chase: Chase tries to grab him in a bear hug then throws Bill into the windows. Several of the vertical blinds slats fall and drape over them.] Chase: You're in a hospital. Calm down. [They lunge around the room, smashing into the wheeled bed-table. Adams pulls it away.] Adams: [shouting] Code grey! [Cut to the conference room.] Cofield: So your position is that your team's disobedience caused this? House: That's not what I said. Cofield: You said you didn't anticipate their defiance. You implied that all would have been fine otherwise. So who do you blame, Dr. Adams or Dr. Chase? Or both? House: I don't blame either one. Cofield: So who do you blame, Dr. House? [Cut to the hallway outside room 209. Taub is at the nurses’ station. He runs in as Chase and Bill ht the table. Adams tries to pull him off Chase.] Adams: Code grey! [Taub opens the cart and starts searching for something. A male nurse rushes in. Chase is still wrestling with Bill, who is making “arg” sounds.] Adams: Get haloperidol. [Taub finds it. Two more male nurses rush in and help hold Bill.] Taub: Got it. [He injects Bill in the leg. The nurses pull Bill toward the bed. Chase stands up and starts to catch his breath. Bill sinks to the floor, unconscious.] Bill: Ah… ah… [Adams’ gloves are covered with blood. She takes a deep breath then looks at Chase.] Adams: Oh, my God, Chase. [Chase looks down. A scalpel is sticking out of his chest. Taub looks. Chase looks up at them and the scalpel falls to the floor. As Adams starts toward him, Chase collapses onto the floor, face first.] Taub: Prep the O.R. and get a gurney. Start an I.V. [They turn him over. Adams rips his shirt, straddles him and sticks her finger in the hole in his chest.] Adams: Come on. The bleeder's got to be in here. [Some blood spurts on her face as she feels around.] Got it. Taub: Which artery? Adams: It's his heart. [Cut to the conference room.] Adams: Fortunately, only the Knfe tip reached the cardiac muscle. Made a laceration in the left ventricle about the size of the tip of my index finger. At that moment, he could only stay alive as long as my finger plugged the hole. [Her voice shakes.] It could have been me on the floor. It should have been me. It was my theory. I held the needle in front of the patient that set off his paranoia. If you're looking for someone to blame… blame me. Cofield: Please continue. [Cut to a hallway. Chase is being wheeled to the O.R. at top speed. He has a mask on and Taub is pumping a bag to keep him breathing. Adams is still on top of him, plugging the hole with her finger.] Adams: Getting some ectopy. Nurse: Coming through. Park: Good carotid pulse. Adams: Regular? Park: No. Adams: Got a PVC. Nurse: Got to move it, people. [Cut to the conference room.] House: My diagnostic test worked. It proved the patient had a steroid-induced psychosis. Cofield: And that's what you took away from this situation? House: The brain was not a symptom of an underlying disease. Cofield: Your colleague was sab. Are you telling me you didn't care? [Cut to the O.R. House has scrubbed and he opens the door with his hip, arms held high. Someone immediately puts a gown on him.] House: How bad is it? Taub: Bad. Patch. [Chase, on the table, isn’t visible. Only his open chest is.] Ready? Adams: I can't take my finger out. He'll bleed. I don't think he can take it. House: Oxygenation's at 100%. He's as ready as he's gonna be. Taub: We got to go for it. Adams: On my count. [sht of Chase’s exposed heart with Adam’s finger in place. Taub holds an instrument with some gauze or something at the ready.] Adams: One, two, three. [She removes her finger and everyone goes to work, repairing the hole.] Taub: Suture. [It’s passed to him.] Got it. Park: BP is sab. Taub: Patch is holding. House: What was his heart rate? Park: He doesn't have one. He's on bypass. House: Not Chase. The patient. Adams: [in disbelief] You're DDX-ing? House: Park, come with me. Taub's got this. Park: My friend is here because you didn't listen to me. House: I did listen to you. Chase didn't listen to me. At this point, being here makes you feel better. You're not helping Chase or our patient. [She turns back to the table.] Fine. [He pushes open the doors, removing his gown as he goes.] [Cut to the conference room.] Cofield: So he just walked out? Taub: There really was nothing for him to do. Cofield: Speaks to a certain callousness on Dr. House's part, don't you think? Taub: Who cares if House was callous? Are you gonna punish callousness? Cofield: Hmm. But you agree that empathy is a useful quality for doctors? Taub: House is not the problem. Cofield: Your friend got sab. He may die from those wounds. If you had been in that room, maybe that could have been you. Taub: I wouldn't have been in the room. Cofield: Implicitly, you just said that Chase was at fault. Taub: [long pause] We all knew a psychotic episode was one of the three possible outcomes. And Chase brought a scalpel in there. He endangered Dr. Adams, he endangered himself, and he endangered the patient. Caufield: Thank you. [Cut to room 209. All that’s in focus is Chase’s lab coat with his hospital ID. The door slides open. House enters and stops when he sees the coat. Then he begins to look around. He walks carefully through the debris. On the far side of the bed, he finds the EKG machine. He kneels down and picks up the final printout. A large portion of the paper is bloodstained. He reads it carefully, marking his place with his thumb.] [Cut to the recovery room or PACU (post-anesthesia care unit.) House enters. The team is sitting by Chase’s bed at the end of the ward.] House: Lungs, rash, now excessive RR variability. Go. [No one answers him. Finally Taub speaks up.] Taub: It's a hospital. There are lots of doctors who can take care of him. House: And your thinking is that only you guys are qualified to sit in this room, doing nothing? If you're motivated by caring, just bear in mind he's a dedicated chemistry teacher with a pretty wife and adoring students, baby on the way. Adams: She's not pregnant. House: Would it make a difference? 'Cause I could knock her up. Autonomic dysregulation. Adams: Shut up. Chase: [groggy] Could you guys keep it down? [House’s expression is indescribable.] Taub: You made it, bud. Adams: You're in the PACU. Been in surgery. The anesthesia's just wearing off. Chase: Did I have an epidural? Taub: Uh… no. Chase: 'Cause I can't feel my legs. [They all look at each other, worried.] * [Cut to the Chase’s room. It’s night and the only light is above the headboard. Chase is alone when the door slides open.] Cofield: Dr. Chase? Robert? Chase: Yeah. Cofield: I'm Walter Cofield. I'm a neurologist over at… Chase: [taking off his oxygen mask] I know who you are. Cofield: Good. [pause] Think you're up for answering a couple questions? Chase: Well, it's not like I can get up and run away. Wasn't my best joke. Cofield: I'm smiling because, for the last 12 hours, I've been picturing you with orange hair. Chase: I dyed it back. [After a moment, Cofield takes the recorder from his jacket pocket. He makes sure Chase sees him turn it on before he places it on the bed.] Cofield: Were you angry with Dr. House? Chase: It was a prank. It wasn't uncommon. Cofield: So I've heard. That doesn't mean you couldn't get angry. Might actually contribute to that reaction. Chase: May I ask why that matters? Are you trying to prove that I was distracted, that my judgment was compromised? Cofield: Who do you think was at fault for what happened to you, Dr. Chase? Chase: Again, why does it matter? Cofield: You're a smart doctor. You know what happened here better than anyone, and you've worked with Dr. House longer than anyone. And I suspect that you've spent every minute since this has happened trying to answer that very question. Chase: I don't think it was anyone's fault. I was angry, but I wasn't distracted. And I think that, if there's any chance I'm gonna walk again, it's because Dr. House is a genius. [Cut to the PACU, earlier in the evening. The team is DDXing Chase.] House: How about warmth? Can you feel the sheets on your skin? Chase: I just said I don't feel anything. Objectivity, House. [The team looks stumped. House looks scared.] What about posttraumatic syringomyelia? Syrinx formed in the subarachnoid space, blocking the flow of cerebrospinal fluid. [House turns away to think.] Adams: That'd mean the damage was permanent. House: No. [turns back] Forget the nerves. Taub: House, if it's total paralysis, he must have… House: Not necessarily. Think arteries. Blood flow to his spinal column is cut off. It's a clot in the radicular artery. Chase: That could be fixable. House: Prep a room for an embolectomy. Let's get that thing out of there before it does any more damage. Chase: And if it's not a clot? House: Then you can ask Foreman if hospital insurance covers ramp-vans. [Cut to treatment room. Taub is performing the embolectomy. Park is watching the monitor, guiding him. Adams is taking notes.] Park: You're through the aorta. Chase: There. Adams: Sensory level is at L5. It must be the descending branch. Chase: Can I see the monitor? Park: Stop there. sh*t the dye. Chase: There it is. Taub: Don't get too excited. We still got to get it out. Still could have done permanent damage. [Door slides open. House enters, ungowned.] House: Patient does not have autonomic dysregulation. There's blood in his urine bag. Kidneys are failing. Adams: House, not now. House: Got to be now. Foreman is transferring our guy to Princeton general as soon as there's a bed available. Says the doctors here can no longer be objective since the sab. Cofield: In the middle of a procedure that could basically save your life, House is actually trying to drag people away? How do you work with a guy like that? Chase: He wasn't trying to pull anybody away. Everyone had already refused to work on that case. He knew the answer. He wanted to check on me. But he needed an excuse. Otherwise, he could be accused of caring. Cofield: So your testimony is that Dr. House's complete lack of concern is evidence of his deep concern? [Chase nods slightly. Cofield shifts and considers this.] Did you just do that? Chase: What? [Cofield goes to the foot of the bed and pulls the blanket off Chase’s foot.] Cofield: Wiggle your toes. [Two of the toes on Chase’s left foot move. Cofield gets a plexor out of the bedside table. He holds the rubber head, usually used for testing reflexes, and runs the handle along Chase’s instep.] Cofield: Do you feel that? [Chase nods several times.] Congratulations. It was the clot. Short occlusion time of the artery, when the swelling goes down, you should… gain back at least some of the function. [Chase’s head drops back on the pillows and he breathes deeply.] One more thing. Sorry. You knew that your patient was at risk for a psychotic break when you brought a scalpel within his reach. Why did you ignore that risk? Chase: I thought I was right about the rash. I would do it again. Cofield: I thought so. [He picks up the recorder and puts it in his pocket.] Chase: What, that's it? "I thought so"? What the hell does that mean? Cofield: You brazenly defied your boss. Now that happened either because Dr. House has established that that's okay in his world, or his prank wr distracted you, or House makes medicine a game, and you just wanted to bat him. Whatever the reason, it boils down to the fact that you may never walk again because House created an atmosphere that promotes recklessness. [Cut to the conference room. It’s dark outside and, bless my Lord, it is a hell of a theatrical effect going on out there, in the form of rain. Three green-shaded table lamps and four large ceiling fixtures have been turned on. Combined they give off about as much light as the typical 40-watt bulb. Cofield and House are practically silhouettes.] Cofield: This will be our last round of questions. I've spoken with Dr. Chase. You know he regained movement. House: No. [Cofield stares at him then turns off the recorder.] Cofield: Are you really this indifferent to the fact that Dr. Chase is hurt? House: We're going off the record because this is irrelevant, or are you gonna ht me? Cofield: Why don't you go tell the guy you're sorry… House: I didn't do anything wrong. Cofield: It's not an admission of guilt. He's your friend, and he's not well. House: He's a coworker. Cofield: Coworker whom you've known for almost ten years who nearly died and who's still scared he may not walk. House: Are you going to have me fired for bad manners? [He turns in his seat, lifts his right leg onto the table and crosses his left leg over it.] Cofield: Just trying to understand you. Why a man in your position, with your abilities, is incapable of shaking the impulse to act like an ass. House: [pulling a Vicodin bottle from his pocket] Could we go back on the record and get this over with? [He shakes the bottle as Cofield turns the recorder on.] Cofield: Put the Vicodin away, Dr. House. House: My leg hurts. [He opens the bottle. There’s a loud POP and Vicodin fly everywhere like confetti. House gives a short laugh.] Cofield: [brushing Vicodin off his papers] Is that supposed to be funny? [Long pause then House gets his epiphany.] House: Two explsin. [He gets up and leaves.] Cofield: We're not done here. [The door closes.] [END OF ACT FIVE] [ACT SIX] [Cut to the ambulance bay. A bed at Princeton General must have opened up. Emily watches as they load Bill in.] House: Hey, hold on. EMT 1: Close it up. House: Take him out of there. [They close the ambulance doors.] EMT 1: Dr. Foreman said you'd try this. Said to tell you he's no longer your patient. EMT 2: Let's go! [Bangs on the side of the ambulance to let the driver know they’re ready.] House: Hey! [The ambulance leaves with sirens blaring. Emily turns and walks past him on her way to the elevator. House follows.] House: Wait. [catching up with her] Wait. Emily: I have to get to my car. I don’t… I n— House: Your husband has a tumor in his lymph nodes. Emily: You've been wrong every time. House: Yeah, well, not this time. [sht of the explsin followed by CGI of the lymph node activity.] The explsin in the classroom caused the cancer cells to break open. It's called tumor lysis syndrome. His body's flooded with an excess of phosphates, potassium, acids, all kinds of cancerous junk. It explains the paralysis, the bleeding, the heart and kidney issues, everything. Emily: What about the psychotic break? House: Turns out we caused that. [The elevator arrives. She gets in.] This is treatable. Okay? [He holds the elevator door open.] You have to tell the new doctors that he needs total body radiation and plasmapheresis. Emily: Move your cane, please. [Cut to Foreman coming out of the conference room. He meets House in the hallway.] House: Where's Cofield? Foreman: He said you walked out. House: Well, I'm walking back. I'm not done testifying. Foreman: Apparently you were. Said he'd have his decision tomorrow. [Cut to Chase lying, sleepless in his bed.] [Cut to Foreman, sitting in the dark in his office.] [Cut to Cofield, writing at his kitchen table. There’s an empty wine glass next to him and open Chinese food cartons nearby. He stops writing to think.] [Cut to Chase’s room. House stands in the doorway, watching him. Chase is facing him but House might not realize he’s awake. Neither of them says anything, then House turns and leaves.] [Cut to the conference room the next morning. It’s daytime so the lights are turned off but it’s still raining and the room is as dark as ever. House is the first to arrive. He starts to close the door but, thanks to editing, it is Foreman who finishes closing the door. House is staring out the window.] [Foreman walks toward the table and away from House. Cut to Foreman standing by the wall behind the table as Taub puts a chair next to House who is already seated. As he sits, Adams takes a seat on House’s other side. Park stands near Foreman. The door opens. Cofield enters and puts his briefcase on the table. The team watches, somberly. Cofield takes out the papers he needs, puts his briefcase on the floor and very deliberately turns on the recorder before sitting down.] Cofield: This case is a fiasco. Didn't sleep last night. [pause] Dr. House is obviously brilliant… House: Well, I think we've heard enough. Cofield: But Dr. House is also a fiasco. If I were to exonerate him, condone his completely reckless, immature, almost misanthropic behavior, I would essentially be sending a message to all the other doctors in this hospital that it's okay to act that way and… it… is— [He breaks off as Emily walks in, followed by a staff member.] Emily: Sorry. Cofield: We're in the middle of something. Emily: I know. I came to speak with Dr. House. And when they told me he was in here, I thought I should say something. I mean… he wasn't the nicest doctor I've ever met. House: Well, I think we've heard enough. Emily: But he was right. They found the tumor. They are removing it, and they are starting plasmapheresis. They expect a full recovery. He saved my husband's life. [pause] Well… I guess that's it. Thanks again. [leaves] Cofield: As I was saying, Dr. House's process is dangerous, inappropriate. But he is effective. I've decided that I would be doing this hospital a disservice if I did anything to change that process. [House stares at him.] Congratulations, Dr. House. This unfortunate sab incident is officially nobody's fault. [The others in the room start breathing easier. Cofield stands and prepares to go. Foreman heads for the door, followed by Park. House hasn’t moved.] House: Coward. Cofield: Excuse me? House: You've got, like, 20 pages of notes there. You were expecting to bore us for at least half an hour. [He stands and snatches Cofield’s folder] You got my parole form in here. You were gonna send me back to prison. Foreman: House, stop. House: Good things usually happen; Bad things sometimes happen. The fact that that would-be widow came in just in time to sob all over your soft, mushy heart and the fact that her husband's gonna live does not change whether or not I did the right thing. [Cofield is impassive. House turns and storms out, not closing the door behind him. Everyone is uncomfortably silent. Cofield raises his eyebrows a millimeter.] [Cut to House striding down the hall, about three times as fast as his initial walk to the conference room the day before.] [Cut to Rehab. Chase, gasping from the effort and pain, is learning to walk again, assisted by a therapist. He’s wearing sneakers, sweatpants and a hospital robe. An enormous white bandage on his chest is visible at the top of the robe. House enters.] House: How'd you get the fring wire into the Vicodin bottle without me noticing? [Chase nods to the therapist who moves away. He stands, holding onto the rails.] Chase: Why'd I even have to? What was the point of the orange hair? House: Your hair smelled like Adams. And since there's no way that you're doing her without me knowing, it means you were just doing her shampoo. Which means you were out late drinking with some new girl or, because there is no new girl, you were trying to make up time by showering at the hospital because you're too lazy to buy your own shampoo. So I found a way to let you know to not be late. Chase: You couldn't just ask me to stop being late? House: What fun would that be? Chase: None of this is fun, House. [He starts to walk again. The therapist comes back over.] House: They decided that your being s*ab… was nobody's fault. [long pause. Chase is listening.] They're wrong. I'm sorry. Chase: Anything else? I'm kind of busy. House: No. That was it. Chase: [to the therapist] I've got it.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x11 - Nobody's Fault"}	foreverdreaming
Cindy: You're bleeding through your bandage. Chase: Good morning. Cindy: Don't we need to get you to a doctor? Chase: I am a doctor. That didn't come up last night? Cindy: We didn't do a lot of talking. [Chase’s phone vibrates.] Chase: I'm good. [He uses his hands to position his left leg into a sitting position, then takes up his crutches and goes into the bathroom. He is wearing black boxer shorts] Cindy: You never told me what caused your accident. Chase: I was sab by a patient. That'll teach me to overbill. [Chase takes a pill, and peels away the bandage on his chest to examine his wound. His phone vibrates again. He hobbles back to the bed. Picking up his phone, he sees that he has a text message from House, which reads “ding ding.” House: (seeing Cindy) If she likes crippled guys, I'm free for the next six minutes. Chase: What do you want? House: 45 year-old truck driver, recurrent seizures. No metabolic or structural… Chase: (interrupting) Does this look like a good time? House: Sort of. At least as good as the other 12 times that I've called and paged you in the last three weeks. Chase: Those times I just didn't feel like talking to you. Kinda like now. House: I'd apologize again, but I'm still waiting for you to accept the first one. (he pauses) You do work for me. I am entitled to ask when you're coming back. Chase: I don't know when I'm coming back. I don't know if I'm coming back. Got a problem with that, fre me. OPENING CREDITS [Scene opens on Chase doing his physical therapy the PPTH. It is clearly taking a lot of effort as he grunts through each leg lift, his jaw muscles clenched. He finishes his set of leg lifts] Therapist: (patting Chase on the shoulder) Nice. [As the therapist leaves, the camera pans back to reveal Foreman] Foreman: It's good to see you in the hospital, as a patient if not as a doctor. Chase: Believe me, I'd rather be the guy with the clipboard. [Chase limps over to a rack of towels and wipes his sweaty face] Foreman: How you doing? Chase: Arrhythmias are gone. Fine motor control is improving. Foreman: Not what I meant. If you need to talk to someone, a professional… Chase: I'm fine. Foreman: Fine enough to get back to work? You don't have to work for House, but you do owe me 20 clinic hours. Chase: What, getting knifed doesn't buy me an extension? Foreman: Buys you whatever you need. But I know you. If all you do is physical therapy and your nighttime version of it, you'll lose your mind faster than you regain those fine motor skills. (Chase sighs) [Cut to Chase crutching his way across the clinic. He is wearing his white coat and has a stethoscope draped around his neck. He enters an exam room to find two nuns. The younger, prettier nun is sitting on the exam table] Moira: Uh, have this terrible pain in my left shoulder. It came out of nowhere. Sister Joan: And nothing seems to help. [Chase props his crutches against the wall and proceeds to examine Moira’s arm and shoulder] Chase: Any other symptoms? Chest pain? Lightheadedness? Moira: No. None at all. Chase: What were you doing when the pain came on? Moira: Just sitting and praying. [Chase feels under her armpits] Sister Joan: She'd been helping to make the altar breads that morning, but no hard physical work or repetitive motion. Chase: A couple of possibilities. You have enlarged lymph nodes, so I'd like to start by ruling out breast cancer. And I do mean "rule out." It's probably nothing. (to Sister Joan) I'm gonna do a quick breast exam. Do you mind stepping out for a moment? Sister Joan: Not at all. (she leaves) Chase: (picking up Moira’s chart) That was so I could ask about the second possibility. Left-sided pain means it could be angina, which is made worse by stress. Might not be a coincidence that the pain started on the verge of a major life change. Moira: How did you know? Chase: Blue Veil means you're a postulant, haven't taken your vows yet. Brown Vestments means you're Carmelites, cloistered nuns, which explains the chaperone. (he pulls two latex gloves from a wall dispenser) You're about to withdraw from the world for good. I was a seminarian. Moira: Who obviously didn't take his vows. Chase: (pulling on the gloves) Cassock made my ass look fat. (Moira laughs) Do you mind unbuttoning your shirt and lying down for me? Moira: Okay. I have had second thoughts. I'm kind of a wreck. [Moira unbuttons her blouse and lies down on the exam table. Chase continues talking as he performs the breast exam] Chase: A life of perpetual enclosure and almost complete silence? If you weren't wrestling with this, I'd say there's something really wrong with you. [Chase pauses as he feels something during the exam] Chase: I'm going to admit you. There's a little mass here, and I'd like to get it checked out. Wilson: It's just a benign fat deposit. Her imaging's clean. Chase: Stress test too. It's not angina. So why the shoulder pain? House: (entering the room with Taub, Adams, and Park) Is it possible that she hurt her shoulder? Chase: (to Wilson) Thanks a lot. Wilson: I didn't tell him. House: (to Wilson) You were cagey about where you were going. And Chase being cagey in general. Good chance I'd find the two of you in the same cage. So I had Park follow you. Adams: (to Chase) How you feeling? Chase: Better. Heard your arm's healing nicely. Taub: Good to see you on your feet. House: (he has picked up the patient file) Patient's a nun? You turning back to your long-abandoned faith in time of trouble? Chase: She was next up in the clinic. (taking the file from House) And I don't want your help. House: You got sab. You blame me. [House pops open his Vicodin bottle and dry swallows some pills] House: But what did you learn about me that you hadn't known for years? Chase: Maybe I was an idiot before and I'm not one now. House: Or maybe the reverse is true. Chase: (looking back at Wilson) Thanks for all your help. [Chase crutches toward the door, but is stopped by House’s cane jammed against the wall in front of him] House: (leaning in close) Your soul sister is having a fungal infection from the unprocessed wheat in the altar breads. Explains the shoulder pain and the jumbo lymph nodes. [Chase does not respond. House removes the cane and Chase leaves] House: (calling out to Chase) Thanks for all my help. [Cut to Chase crutching down the corridor. Park rounds a corner and quickly catches up to him. They continue on down the hall together] Park: I'm… I'm sorry I led House to you. Chase: It's part of the job. Park: Maybe we could get a meal after work tonight, if you want some companionship. Chase: (stopping to face her) You asking me out on a date? Park: No. I just… I guess that sounded… must be scary to be back. All those knives and needles. Infected blood and tissue everywhere you look. Just thought you might need someone to talk to about it. Chase: Just knowing you're there for me is enough. Thanks. (Chase leaves Park standing in the hallway) [Cut to Chase starting an IV line for Moira] Moira: Ever surf Kirra Point? Obviously you're Australian. Chase: I've surfed all over the Gold Coast. Don't tell me you have? Moira: The closest I got was Waimea Bay. I grew up on Maui. Chase: If you don't mind me asking, why are you becoming a nun? Moira: You asking 'cause I surf? Chase: Well, I know that Jesus walked on water but… (Moira giggles) Plus the average postulant is a lot younger than you. What were you doing before this? Moira: Not much of anything. Worked as a nanny. Moved around a lot. Bunch of failed relationships. Chase: And then what? God spoke to you? You heard the calling? Moira: Something like that. Does there have to be some dramatic moment where the skies part? Chase: Usually, yeah. Moira: Is that what happened to you when you entered the seminary? Chase: Mom drank, dad worked. They stuck me in catholic school. Priests and nuns were the closest I had to family. Turned out that wasn't much of a reason to join the priesthood. Moira: Is that why you left? Chase: Something like that. Moira: (sitting up in the bed) I think, I may throw up. Moira: What's wrong with me? Chase: Not a fungal infection. [Cut to Chase approaching House on the balcony above the main hospital lobby. House is filling a balloon with soda. He pulls the balloon off the soda bottle and ties it closed] House: You're probably wondering, why the soda balloons? Chase: I'm not. House: Well, I'll tell you. You're not the only one whose life spiraled out of control when you got knifed in the ventricle. Taub has decided… Chase: (interrupting) I need help with my patient. She's vomiting. That's not from a fungal infection. House: What are you planning to do now that you're not working for me? Chase: I have no idea. Almost dying's been clarifying. I can do anything. House: You can do anything. So you come back to the same building you've worked in for years. Guess you can cross that off your bucket list. Chase: Can we get to my patient sometime soon? House: As soon as you admit that you're a confused mess, sure. Chase: You'll help me. 'Cause even though you don't find my case interesting, you find my interest in it interesting. House: Well, when you put it that way… Ascending colangitis. [House spies Taub walking under the balcony and drops the balloon. It lands beside Taub] Taub: (looking up) Missed me. [Taub practically runs toward the front doors] Chase: Can't be, bilirubin's normal. House: (grabbing up another soda balloon) Clinical signs can show up days before lab signs. [House throws the second balloon at Taub, who is almost to the front doors. He misses] Taub: (looking back up at House) Ha ha ha! [Chase crutches away, anxious to test out House’s new diagnosis] House: This is great. We should make this a regular thing. [Cut to Chase entering Moira’s room. There is a nurse standing by the bed] Nurse: She can't feel her foot at all. [Chase feels Moira’s foot] Moira: What does this mean? Chase: It means I've got to spend more time consulting with a colleague. [Cut to Chase reluctantly approaching the diagnostics department. Adams and Park are sitting at the table. Taub is standing by the door to House’s office. The are discussing a patient] Adams: Ketosteroid levels are low. How can he be hyper-sexual? House: He tried to tongue-kiss Park when you were closer. You think his sexuality is normal? [Chase struggles through the door] Chase: I need more help. My patient has a new symptom. Ischemic foot. Get the lecture out of your system so we can talk about my case. House: Let me start with an allegory. [House hangs his cane on the whiteboard, then quickly plucks a paintball gn from behind the whiteboard and sht at Taub, who deflects the bright pink paintball with a cafeteria tray] Park: (jumping back in fright) Ah. [House sht 3 more times, hitting the glass wall twice and the tray once more as Taub attempts to dodge the paintballs] Chase: Okay, I'm curious. House: Your overreaction to your sab is to blame me even as you are drawn to me. Taub's is to take moronic self-defense classes that won't defend him against anything. Taub: Krav Maga. Which helped me block your sht and will continue to help me defend myself in a building full of drugged-up strangers. House: Taub has to accept that by instinct and genetics he is a coward, who's better off running and hiding at the first sign of danger. Taub: I've already fended off six of your blitzkriegs in a row. House: And the seventh? And the eighth? And the Nth? Chase: If you get him, what's that gonna prove? House: That unexpected things happen. By definition, no class can teach you to expect them. Which is why Taub is idiotic to study them, and you're idiotic to attach any significance to them. House: (putting the paint gn down on the table) Blood clot. [Taub lays the tray down on the table also] Chase: Her D-dimer's normal. House: On the other hand… [House pulls a toy sword with a pink and green hilt out from under the conference table and attcks Taub, who manages to wrestle it away from House] Taub: Yah! [House steps back from Taub, clutching his right thigh and a little unsteady on his feet] Adams: What if he's right about the blockage but wrong about the cause? Vasospasm. Chase: That explains everything but the lymph nodes. And any minor infection could have caused those. House: Calcium channel blocker to treat. (Chase takes up his crutches and leaves) [Cut to Chase using a crutch tip to push the elevator button. Adams approaches as he waits for the elevator] Adams: You okay? Chase: I almost got you klled by bringing a scalpel into that room. I could feel better about that. Adams: You saved my life too. I think the ledger's clear. But how can you not be traumatized? [The elevator arrives and Chase enters] Chase: Can't change what happened. Can only make better choices from here. [Adams holds the elevator door open as she talks to Chase] Adams: So you're Zen about it but won't let go of your anger toward House? I'm seeing a trauma counselor. I think you should too. Chase: I'm okay. Just knowing you're there for me is enough. (He sighs as the elevator doors close) [Cut to Chase at Moira’s bedside. He picks up an iPod which is lying on the bed] Chase: Convent lets you have this? Moira: I borrowed it from one of the nurses. I'm still on temporary vows. It may be the last time I hear Eminem for a while. Chase: You're using an iPod. But I've never seen you use rosary beads. [Chase limps over to the other side of the bed] Chase: What day did Jesus die? Moira: I know, one gospel says Passover; another says the day before. [Chase puts his fingers on Moira’s neck to check her pulse, looks at the monitor screen, then taps it twice] Chase: How many times did the cock crow before Peter's third denial? Once or twice? Moira: You can't argue away my faith. [Chase picks up Moira’s chart and sits down on a bedside stool] Chase: Why? Because it's so strong even plain contradictions… Moira: (interrupting) Because it's not that strong. I'm not saying I don't have faith. I just haven't felt the calling yet. Chase: No one joins the clergy without having that epiphany. That God's love is speaking to you directly. Moira: It's the silence, the contemplation, the order. I need them. Hoping everything else will come later. Chase: That's not an answer. If you want silence, you can get ear plugs. Moira: I tried the outside world. It wasn't enough. Chase: Ever been married? Moira: No. Chase: No kids. You never found a career. Doesn't sound like the outside world got much of a try. What you're headed towards now, 14 hours a day in silent prayer, never having a family, never touching another human being. Moira: Just because that's what you'd miss the most. The nurses talk. Chase: (shaking his head) Nothing's wrong with having fun. Moira: They said you were almost klled three weeks ago. You go right back to fun? Chase: Is that why you wanna be a nun? Someone broke your heart? Moira: No. I'm just looking for something more. Chase: So am I. [Chase looks at his watch and signs Moira’s chart] Chase: I'm late for work in the clinic. [He puts the chart on the foot rail of the bed, grabs his crutches and leaves] [Cut to Chase knocking on an exam room door in the clinic. He opens the door to find Taub sitting on the exam table. Chase opens the chart he is carrying and reads the patient name] Chase: Really? George Washingbaum? Taub: He was a character in the Flintsteins. Just hiding out till House leaves the cafeteria. [Chase starts to leave the room, then turns back to Taub] Chase: The self-defense classes, you think they're making any kind of difference? Taub: Not as much as House's surprise attcks. He thinks three steps ahead, so I do too. Which is why you should accept his apology and come back on the team. He's annoying, he's maddening, but he makes us all better. Chase: (tossing down the chart) Note to self. [Cut to Moira’s hospital room later that evening. She is dressed and sitting on the bed while Chase examines her foot. Sister Joan stands nearby] Chase: Foot color's good. Arterial pulse is good. Capillary refill's good. Sister Joan: And her shoulder pain’s all gone. Chase: Looks like your ready to go…home. Sister Joan: I’ll get the car and meet you out front. (She leaves) [Moira finishes pulling up her sock, then stands, looking a bit wobbly] Chase: I’d say I’m in the book but not the one you’ll be reading from now on. [Moira gives Chase a wistful smile, then Chase turns to retrieve his crutches, which are leaning against the wall] Moira: Six years ago I…was a nanny in Honolulu. (Chase turns to look at her) For this beautiful two-year old boy. I loved him, probably spent more time with him than his own parents. One day I was in the park talking with another nanny. He wandered out of the sandbox, into the street, into the path of a moving car. Chase: That could have happened to anyone. Moira: I don't think so. And even if it did, they'd blame themselves for the rest of their lives too. Chase: You shouldn't. (Chase limps across the room to stand in front of Moira) You shouldn't run from what can still be a good life. Moira: I'm running to God. After what happened to you, don't you wanna remake your life? Chase: Not by hiding myself away. I hope it works out for you. Moira: (she nods) It is gonna be hard. Not touching anyone. [Chase takes her hand in his and strokes her fingers with his thumb. They look at each other for a moment, then Chase drops her hand. Moira picks up her bag from the bedside table and walks out of the room. Chase watches through the doorway as Moira sits down in a wheelchair, waiting for her just outside the door, and is pushed away by a nurse. The look on his face suggests he is regretting what could have been] [Cut to Chase leaving Moira’s room, only to find House sitting on the nurse’s station counter as Chase approaches with Moira’s chart] House: Who knew mother inferior was a smoking hottie. No wonder you're playing handsies with her. Chase: (tossing the chart on the counter) You think I'm hitting on a nun? Angry at God or I just need a challenge? House: Or you're terrified of intimacy, which is why you're a serial slut. But right now you're grasping at an emotional life raft. Ideally someone for whom intimacy's not an option. That actually makes sense, which I can't say about anything else you've been doing. Chase: I'm not emotionally involved with her. And much as I'd love to hear you contradict me, I have a 7:30 appointment to explore my intimacy issues at La Scala. (House stops and Chase leaves him behind) [Cut to La Scala, where Chase is having dinner with another pretty young woman] Leisha: I'm talking to this agent. He's a bit of a sleaze. But he's really excited about representing me. [Chase is resting his chin on his hand and is trying very hard to pay attention to his date, but his eyes keep wandering] Leisha: Although he can't take on any new clients right now, he's trying to get me an audition for one of those online soaps. Have you ever watched one of those? (Chase is not listening) Am I boring you? Chase: (pausing for a second) Unfortunately, yeah. Sorry. (he sits back in his chair, looking uncomfortable) [Cut to Chase crutching down the hallway of his apartment building. He turns a corner to find Moira sitting on the floor beside his apartment door. Apartment #2] Moira: Hi. Chase: You're not supposed to be here. Or anywhere. Moira: (she stands) You were right. I was running away. [Moira takes Chase’s right hand in both of hers and they kiss. The kiss becomes more passionate. Chase manages to get his door unlocked and they stumble inside, still kissing. The door closes behind them] [Cut to early the next morning. Moira is sitting on the side of the bed. She pulls a T-shirt over her head] Chase: Oh, now you're shy. [She turns, climbs back under the covers and snuggles up to Chase, who takes her in his arms] Moira: It's brighter in the morning. Chase: So, are we gonna spend the rest of eternity in a lake of fre while pointy-tailed demons poke at us with sticks? Moira: This is a little scary for me. I had a whole life planned. Not that I wasn't struggling with it. And then I met you. Don't worry, I know you're not the relationship type. Chase: I'm not, not the relationship type. I was married once. Moira: (propping herself up on one elbow so that she can look at him) Relax. You're fine. Chase: (he strokes her hair) So what's next for you? Moira: I have to find a place to live. Get my old job back. Sure, I'll feel guilty, start doubting. Chase: As long as you keep dealing with your doubts in the same way then… Moira? Moira: sorry, did you say something? [Chase pushes Moira’s hair aside so he can see her neck better] Chase: (looking concerned and struggling into a more upright position) Your neck. Moira: What? Chase: Are your ears ringing? Moira: Yeah. What does that mean? [Moira suddenly coughs blood all over Chase’s bare chest and neck] Chase: We've got to get you back to the hospital right away. [Cut to Chase driving Moira to the hospital] Chase: The artery that's bringing blood to your brain, it's coming apart. Means you could stroke. I've paged a team of our best doctors. Moira: I don't have to cough as much. Chase: It's clotted up. Moira: Is that bad? Chase: We're almost there. [Cut to Chase rushing Moira into the ER. Park (dressed in street clothes) is there along with the ER staff. They get Moira onto a gurney] Chase: (to Park) Get me her O-two level. What are you doing? Park: I want to make sure I can position her wrist properly. Chase: For what? [Chase motions to the ER nurse who hands him her stethoscope] Park: A.B.G. Chase: I don't need an A.B.G., just get a pulse OX. (Park looks confused) I'll do it. Grab a consent form. (to Park) Go! (to Moira) We need to operate right now, okay? [Park hurries away] Moira: (sounding confused) Good to operate. Chase: Repeat this: no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Moira: No about it and no ifs. Chase: Get her into O.R. eleven. [The nurses and orderlies put up the rails of the gurney and head to the O.R. Chase follows, putting his hand over the wound on his chest] Chase: Carotid dissection, four-inch pulsatile mass in her neck, and some Broca's aphasia. It's got to be a clot keeping her from bleeding out. [House comes into the room] Taub: Pulse? Chase: Bounding, four-plus. It was a three-plus 20 minutes ago. House: Twenty? Thought she just got here. (pulling back Chase’s shirt to look at the blood on his neck) That blood looks pretty dry. Cut yourself shaving? You know, that can happen when the nun you woke up with coughs blood on you. Taub: You slept with a nun? Adams: Forget nun, you slept with a patient? Chase: Former, to both. House: Internal neck trauma, that's impressive. It's happened to me a few times. (raising his hand in the air) Up high. Nurse: (opening the door to the scrub room) Dr. Chase. [Moira is now bleeding heavily from her nose] Chase: Clot’s broken. Bring her in and pack her nose. I'm gonna need number three Vicryls. (to Moira) I'm gonna fix this. Adams: You're not gonna operate on her. Chase: Kapur and Carlyle are unavailable. Reilly's done far fewer dissections than I have. Taub: He's also slept with her far fewer times than you have. Adams: Your judgment's compromised. Chase: I spent the night with her. Doesn't change how I make an incision. Adams: (to House) Tell him! House: Do the surgery. Adams: You're trying to score points with him at the risk of a patient's life. House: He’s the better surgeon. [Cut to the O.R. where Chase is operating, with Taub and Adams assisting] Chase: Vascular clamp. Taub: You're not gonna put her on bypass? Chase: It'd take a half hour to set up. Adams: You clamp now, she could stroke out. Chase: She's already got neurological symptoms. We wait 30 minutes, she'll definitely have brain damage. Adams: You're trying to make sure she's either perfect or dad. Chase: She's not going to die. If I get this done in five minutes, she won't stroke out. Adams: You don't know that you will. And you can't know because you can't think clearly about her. Chase: (firmly) Vascular clamp. [Chase puts the clamp in place, then looks up at the clock] Chase: Occlusion time 9:46 and 24 seconds. Vascular scissors. [Chase removes the clot and repairs the dissection] Adams: (looking up at the clock) We're over five minutes. Chase: Ultrasound. [A nurse hands Chase the ultrasound wand which he places over the surgical site on Moira’s neck] Chase: Good flow. Lighten the anesthesia. Taub: You're not gonna close the wound first? Chase: No. [Moira coughs and begins to gain consciousness] Chase: (to Moira) Can you hear me? (she nods) Repeat this: no ifs, ands, or buts. Moira: No ifs, ands, or buts. (Chase sighs with relief) [Cut to Chase crutching down a hospital hallway. Park runs to catch up with him] Park: I'm sorry about before. Chase: (stopping to face her) You're scared, aren't you? That's why you wanted companionship. That's why you cried out when House sht at Taub. What exactly are you scared of? A needle stick? Some other nut pulling a scalpel? Park: I'm scared of everything. Chase: It sucks that there was a sab. But you'll get over it. Park: Like you have? Chase: You weren't even there. Park: I know, I… I left the room. It was pure luck. Chase: I was in the room. That was pure luck too. I get that you're scared and guilty. You're still a doctor. I don't have time to teach you to act like one. [Chase leaves her and approaches House, who is sitting in the main waiting area] Chase: We removed the artery. I found nodules. House: Could mean lupus. Chase: Negative A.N.A. (House gets up) Where are you going? House: Great thing about assigning Taub fraudulent lab work is you know exactly where he's gonna end up. Great thing about assigning Taub obviously fraudulent lab work is you get to watch his inner paranoiac at work. [House has moved to stand behind a support post. He peeks around the post and sees Taub walking toward him] House: And then… [He takes a super soaker water gn out of a nearby waste can and peeks around the post] House: Two to the head. Chase: Can we talk about my patient? House: Quite a journey. Starts with a surgical tool in your heart and ends with a surgeon's tool in a nun. What's the plan? Chase: Plan's to cure her. [House continues to surreptitiously track Taub’s progress down the corridor. House: Well, if it's not meaningless sex, kinda screams out for an end game. You're the dog that's chasing the popemobile. You sure you want… [House peeks around the post and sees Taub talking to a janitor who is mopping the floor] House: Oh, my God. Taub is interrogating the janitor. He must think that I hired him to attck… actually, why didn't I do that? Plaques could be confused for nodules. Which would mean… Chase: Syphilis. House: Explains the shoulder and foot involvement. Hope you practiced immaculate contraception. [Taub has left the janitor and is getting closer to the post House and Chase are standing behind] House: Lock and load. [House jumps out if front of Taub and pulls the trigger on the water gn] House: (loudly) Boo-yah! [The gn, however, squirts House in the face, rather than Taub] House: (sputtering as the water hits his face) Pfft! Taub: (calmly) Boo-yah to you too. [Cut to Chase talking to Moira in her hospital room] Moira: But I hadn't had sex in years. Chase: Tertiary syphilis means you've had the disease for at least that long. Moira: Does that mean you also have it? Chase: Probably not contagious at this point. Moira: Can it cause hallucinations? Chase: It's unlikely. Why? Moira: While I was on the operating table, it didn't feel like a dream. I saw the boy who I was caring for. The one who died. He walked right up to me. Chase: What did he say? Moira: He just held my hand. It was like he forgave me. Do you think that's crazy? Chase: I think it should give you solace, help you to move on. [Someone knocks on the room door. Chase turns to see Foreman and Adams in the doorway. He looks resigned to being reprimanded by Foreman] [Cut to the surgical scrub room] Foreman: You slept with your patient? You're off the case. Chase: I saved her from brain damage. You think my judgment's the least bit compromised? Foreman: She's still sick. If she dies, we'll be in the middle of a brand-new investigation. Chase: This is about you covering your own ass. Foreman: I gave you time, leeway, and you decided to do whatever the hell you wanted. Chase: House can dance all over the rules, gets me knifed, and he gets a pass. I break a rule, no one gets hurt, but you kick me off my own case? Foreman: Unfortunately, yes. (he leaves) Adams: I'm sorry. Chase: (angrily) I took that scalpel for you. Adams: That's why I did this. Three weeks ago, you never would have slept with a patient. And you never would have operated on her after. You need help. Chase: I need to get away from House and everything that reminds me of him. Adams: By breaking the rules, not caring what anyone else thinks. You're gonna get away from him by turning into him? (Adam’s pager beeps) [Cut to Adams a and Chase rushing into Moira’s room. There is a nurse standing beside the bed holding the chart. Moira is clutching her abdomen] Moira: It hurts. [Adams pulls apart Moira’s gown and feels her stomach and abdomen] Adams: Right upper quadrant, pain and distension. Moira: What's wrong with my stomach? Adams: (taking the chart from the nurse) Nothing. This is your liver. [Cut to the entire team discussing the case in a hallway. Chase is no longer wearing his white medical coat since he is now, officially, off the case] Park: The liver failure could be from intraoperative hypotension. Chase: Checked the anesthesia sheet, pressure was fine throughout. Thrombus? House: That voice in the hall that none of us have any reason to be listening to is, not surprisingly, wrong. Abdominal ultrasound was negative. Adams: Then we have to assume liver failure is just another symptom of whatever she's got. Taub: Trousseau's syndrome could send clots, cause the ischemic foot. Add the enlarged lymph node, macrocytosis. Park: Disseminated T-cell lymphoma. Chase: Wilson said it wasn't cancer. House: Wilson says it's not breast cancer. Chase: Sarcoidosis. Adams: Normal ace level. Chase: Highly insensitive for sarcoid. Taub: Negative chest X-rays aren't. Chase: Then we've got to biopsy. House: Yeah, Foreman's clearly wrong. You're clearly not grasping at straws 'cause you're clearly not emotionally involved. I know you want to believe that this is something we can cure. It's not. I'm sorry. (the team disperses, leaving Chase standing alone in the hallway) [Cut to Chase sitting at Moira’s bedside] Moira: How soon will they know if it's cancer? Chase: Within hours. Moira: And if it is? Chase: There's always chemo. Moira: You say that like it's not gonna work. Chase: Could extend your life. Moira: Years? [Chase shakes his head than rests his hand on top of hers] Chase: I'll be here as much as you need. Moira: You still never told me why you left the seminary. Chase: Mary Knoller. Wife of the groundskeeper. He caught me with her, got me with a rake. Those scars on my ass you may have noticed. Moira: (she laughs) Why didn't you tell me that before? Chase: Because it was so shallow. I wasn't exactly wrestling with great theological questions. Moira: I don't believe that. You don't sleep with the groundskeeper's wife, not unless you're struggling with whether you belong there. Chase: I always wanted to believe. It would have made my life a lot easier. It never took. Moira: (haltingly) Doesn't… mean… it's too late. Chase: Are you having trouble talking, like before? Moira: I can get the words out. Just feels heavy when I do. Chase: Where? Moira: (touching her jaw) Wherever my chewing muscles are. Chase: I'll be right back. [Cut to Chase crutching quickly down the hall toward House’s office. He passes the janitor who is mopping the floor, and Taub who looks slightly disheveled] Chase: (to Taub as he turns the corner) House finally got you. Taub: He tried but… Chase: I gotta go. Taub: You shoulda seen it. It was perfect. [Out of the blue, the janitor attcks Taub and takes him down as Chase continues on to House’s office. House is sitting at his desk when Chase rushes in] Chase: She has jaw claudication. If you only heard claudication and carotid dissection… House: I'd say giant cell arteritis. And I'd tell your former teammates to put her on steroids. Chase: She's gonna live. House: Yeah. And then what? (Chase hurries out) [Cut to Moira’s room. Chase leans his crutches against a chair and takes off his sweater vest] Moira: They say my liver function's better. That I can get out of here soon. Chase: (limping over to the bed) And when you do, I'm gonna take you to Puerto Escondido. Moira: Mexico? Chase: The Mexican pipeline. Early May is when the surf really picks up but… what's wrong? Moira: I spoke to the prioress. Chase: You're going back? Moira: I felt the calling. Chase: When you saw the boy. Moira: I felt God's love, his grace. I've been waiting my entire life for that. Chase: It's not real. Moira: I know you didn't feel anything when you almost died. I did. Chase: You felt oxygen depravation. You felt your brain releasing noradrenaline. Moira: You didn't say that before. Chase: I wanted you to move on with your life. I wanted to reassure you. I wanted you to feel better. Moira: And now you don't? Chase: Now… I think I love you. [Cut to Chase sitting in front of a laptop in the diagnostics conference room. House appears and looks over his shoulder at the screen] House: (reading from the computer monitor) "Noradrenaline and near-death experiences." Oh, dear. You saw God? Chase: She did. She wants to go back to the monastery. [Chase hits a key, then gets up and moves toward the printer] House: So now you're preparing a Powerpoint presentation to keep her in your garden of earthly delights. You're an idiot. Chase: Because I found someone I love? House: Because you're an idiot. (House pops some Vicodin) At least you two have that in common. Chase: Her feelings are based on a chemical process. They're gonna wear off. House: You just slept with her. Your brain is exploding with oxytocin. You think that's gonna last through the ages? Chase: (picking up his printout and moving toward the door) She's throwing away her life because of blind faith. House: So are you! She's found something she wants to build her life around. It's a total illusion, but apparently she'll take a little ignorance with her bliss. And you want to take that away? Chase: How many times have you thrown the truth in people's faces? House: Because it's the truth, not because we're gonna live happily ever after. [Chase limps around the table and picks up his crutches] House: Either your relationship just blows up like every other non-magical romance, or she stays with you but blames you for stripping all the meaning out of her life. Chase: (angrily) This has nothing to do with the truth. You don't like that I'm reassessing my life, that I want to change it, that I can. House: Anyone can screw up a life. I never said that wasn't possible. Chase: You're incapable of human connection, so you want everyone to be like you. House: If I wanted you to be like me… I would be urging you to make a stupid, stubborn decision that blows up your life and leaves you lonely and miserable. You reassess your life when you've made mistakes. You didn't. You just got s*ab. (Chase leaves) [The last scenes of the episode are accompanied by Ben Howard’s Promise, played on an acoustic guitar] [Chase crutches to Moira’s room, where he stands in the hallway and watches her as she prays with her rosary beads. He drops the computer printout in a wastebasket, then enters her room and sits down on the bed. Moira reaches up and hugs him] [Cut to Chase crutching down the hallway outside the surgical ward. He sees Park inside a patient’s room. She is reading a procedure manual. Chase enters the room] Chase: Don't look at the book. Park: I haven't done a jugular line since my residency. I don't want to needle the carotid. Chase: What's the first step? Park: Palpate the S.C.M. Chase: Where? Park: Middle third of the neck. [Chase nods toward the patient, who appears to be unconscious. Park goes to the patient’s bed and places her fingers on his neck, looking up when she finds what she is looking for. Chase nods, looking proud] [Cut to Moira’s room as she prepares to leave the hospital. She is dressed in her simple blouse and skirt and the blue veil. Sister Joan is there, along with Chase. Moira finishes packing and approaches Chase] Chase: I'm happy I knew you. Moira: So am I. [Chase smiles at her and nods at Sister Joan, who nods back. Then Chase leaves the room. He stops and turns when Moira comes to the doorway and calls out to him] Moira: Robert. [Moira comes up to him and takes his hand in both of hers. She smiles up at him, looking like she might cry. He reluctantly lets go of her hand and turns away from her as she goes back into the room] ♪♫ And maybe, just maybe I’ll come home ♪♫ [Cut to another day. Chase approaches the diagnostics department, limping slightly, but without crutches. He is clean-shaven, wearing his white coat, and ready to get back to work. The rest of the team, and Foreman, are discussing their newest case as Chase walks in and sits down at the table. They all look at him. Foreman slides a copy of the file over to Chase as they continue with the differential] Foreman: 40 year-old water treatment worker with pyrexia and double vision. House: … You said he worked in a sewer… Taub: Abscess? Adams: Would have seen it on the MRI. Chase: Diphtheria paralyzing the ocular muscles? [House is watching Chase. He gives him a slight nod of approval, which Chase acknowledges with a return nod] Park: No, paralysis was first. Aneurysm? Taub: Not with this fever. Maybe we're thinking about this the wrong way. Retro-ocular infection? Park: With no local symptoms?	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x12 - Chase"}	foreverdreaming
Joe: Let's get back to Phil and Diane. [sht of a couple in the darkened audience] Phil's been having a hard time finding work, and Diane wants him to talk to her about his fear, his disappointment. And Phil wants Diane to trust him that they'll get through this, ideally, without having to keep discussing… [exaggerated inhale/shudder] feelings. Not your exact words, but am I wrong? [Diane smiles.] Joe: And most guys out there are the same way, but ladies, if you're feeling frustrated, remember… it's not our fault. We were raised to be strong, not emotional, to deny vulnerability, not embrace it. And do you know what that makes us? [pause] Dinosaurs. [audience chuckles] Nobody needs us to hunt wild animals for food. Nobody needs us to cut down trees to build shelter. They need us to evolve, to catch up. [Joe goes to the table and pours himself some water. His wife, Marlene, watches from the wings and smiles.] Joe: Since the 1960s, women's roles have shifted radically. [drinks] And as -- uh, as their-- in--as their roles have changed, so have women, they've -- they've, uh -- well, they've become tougher, and more demanding of us. They're partners. And–and -- who can blame them? Who –- who can -- who can, uh… expecting us to -- to do this— [As he gets more and more incoherent, Joe wanders around the stage. He stops speaking when he falls off the stage, onto the floor in front of the audience. Marlene and some aides rush out.] Marlene: Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe. Aide: [on phone] We need an ambulance. OPENING CREDITS [Cut to Diagnostics. House, Adams and Park are at the table. Taub is holding two mugs of coffee. He puts one in front of House.] Taub: You want? Adams: I'm good. [He sits as Chase joins them.] Your limp's almost gone. House: It pains me to interrupt the collegial banter, it pains me even more to listen to it continue. 38-year-old man. Spikes a fever and collapses during a speaking engagement. E.R. checks out blood volume, cardiac function, and autonomic reflexes, all normal. Chase: Patient makes a living telling men to behave more like women. I'm surprised you didn't throw psych symptoms into the differential. Either way, could be a cerebral AVM. Park: E.R. did a head CT. No sign of AVM. Decent thought, though. House: The patient's philosophy makes perfect sense. Its only flaw is that it's impossible. Evolution does not work that way. You can't talk legs onto a fish. We're gonna go extinct, and we're gonna do it drinking scotch and driving muscle cars. Am I right? [He puts up both fists.] Am I— [After a long pause, Chase and Taub reluctantly do knuckle bumps with him.] Thank you. Chase: Cephalic fibromuscular dysplasia? Park: It doesn't explain the fever. The patient's talking about compromise. If you don't think that's possible, you don't think relationships are possible. House: Anyone in this room in a position to disprove that? Park: This guy's just playing to his audience. Women are, by far, the biggest consumers of the self-help industry. Taub: He could have a pulmonary embolism. Clot in his lung increases right ventricular afterload, drops the blood flow to his brain. We should do a pulmonary angiogram. [House watches intently, his eyes flicking from Taub to Adams and back.] Adams: Patient lacks major risk factors for a P.E. Doesn't rule it out, just makes it unlikely. Maybe we start with a D-dimer? Taub: [nods] Less invasive than the angiogram. Good idea. House: [reluctantly] Fine. [inhale] Now, I am hereby searching for a number two. So I'm eating a lot of bran. [fake laugh/snort] Also, I want a team leader. Someone to fill Foreman's old job. Chase: Why? House: You're right. We don't need any more structure. It's not like we had a near-fatal sab. [House looks into the hall. The rest of the team follows his gaze. Dominika is there. She gives House a little wave as she walks toward his office.] House: Well, if it isn't the old ball and Ukraine. [He smiles and goes to his office.] Adams: Who's that? Chase: His wife. [Adams and Park booth look surprised. Taub smirks.] [Cut to the office.] House: Dominika. [He puts his free arm around her waist as she gives him a light kiss and a hug.] Dominika: House. You survived prison. House: And you Atlantic City, where they also have gangs and pruno, but slightly less recidivism. [Behind them, the team leaves the conference room.] Dominika: I start Ukrainian food truck business. After gambling — win, lose — everybody likes a little knish. House: You're here, and I seem to remember throwing out a bunch of certified letters from immigration. I'm assuming there's a connection. Dominika: Our green card interview is in four days. They come to the apartment, they ask questions about marriage, vacations, family history, what side of the bed each sleep on. House: We've never taken a vacation, I don't like your family, and on top. I hear Kiev is lovely this time of year. And your mother, who may or may not be dad for all I know, misses you. Dominika: Can it be that genius doctor is afraid to take on a silly government apparatchik? House: Well, I would say more not interested than afraid, but why quibble? Dominika: Then I go to plan "B." Make you an offer that cannot be refused. [House looks interested.] [Cut to Joe’s room. Taub, Adams and Marlene are there.] Taub: How long you been doing seminars? Joe: The marriage counseling, just, uh, the past couple years. Before that, I did corporate coaching. Adams: Can't imagine the same advice works for both audiences. Guess you shifted with the market? Marlene: There's nothing cynical about my husband. He and I— Joe: No, it's okay. I get it. What guy thinks men should be more like women? A macho jerk who got a big wake-up call courtesy of three drunks who bat the crap outta me outside a sports bar in Milwaukee. Taub: I'm guessing that explains the broken wrist in your medical history? Joe: Those morons did me the biggest favor of my life. I realized I'd sacrificed my health because I couldn't back down from an argument over football. Meeting Marlene was the final piece in the puzzle. She changed my career, my diet. She gave me a whole new direction in life. Taub: We'll need to know exactly how you changed your diet, and when. [Cut to Wilson’s office. He’s doing paperwork. House enters.] House: Need my apartment key back. Wilson: If you're breaking up with me, can we at least talk about it first? House: Maybe if you weren't all nag and no shag. Wilson: I don't sleep with married men. House: I'll get a copy made. Wilson: You're an ex-con. If you get caught perjuring yourself to Homeland Security, you'll end up back in jail. House: And that would be troubling if there was the slightest chance that we'd get caught. Wilson: You barely know each other. You've got about five minutes to remake yourselves into a convincing married couple. And… why? Dominika gets a green card. What's in this for you? House: This is what men do for the women they pretend to love. Also, she's paying me 30,000 bucks once we pass. Apparently knishes sell like hotcakes. Taub: [entering] Lab results. House: Afraid you're gonna have to finish your nag later. Wilson: I said I think it's stupid, right? Then I think I'm done. [House and Taub leave. The rest of the team is in the hall, waiting.] Taub: D-dimer came back normal. Rules out pulmonary embolism. Adams: And our patient's a true believer about the follies of masculinity. He underwent a spiritual overhaul three years ago. He also went off gluten and red meat. Unfortunately, that doesn't explain any of his symptoms. House: One of those points is not absurd. Adams: What's absurd about a change of heart? What this guy believes is making him a better person. He's going against his baser instincts. [The elevator arrives and they get in.] House: "Base" meaning foundational. Meaning things we are biologically programmed to do. Yes, perfectly natural that he stopped doing that stuff. [confidentially, to Adams] You know, that's the kind of lapse that could take you out of the running for team leader. Adams: I feel surprisingly okay with that. House: Comes with a 50-buck-a-week raise. Park: I'm in. Chase: You don't want to do that. Might need your dignity later in life. [Getting of the elevator.] House: You didn't. And she could be on her way to living the dream unless the rest of you nut up and give her— [He stops and thinks.] This spiritual overhaul… did it come after a physical overhaul? A major injury of some kind? Taub: Bar fight. But there's no way a broken wrist explains— House: Adams, come with me. [to Chase] You too. You guys… get a copy of that made. [He gives his key to Park.] [Cut to Joe’s room.] House: Did those dudes bend your ball sack like Beckham? Three years ago. The bar fight. [Joe and Marlene gape at him.] Adams: This is Dr. House. He has a theory. [House opens his arm, “dropping” his pen several feet away.] House: Oh, Dr. Adams, would you mind? [Adams turns to the door, bends over and picks up the pen. Marlene glances at her. Joe continues to stare at House.] I asked you a question. I assume you know the answer. Joe: Yeah, I took a couple serious knees to the groin. [House drops a box of tissues from the bed tray onto the floor behind him.] House: Wha — what has gotten into me? Dr. Chase. [Chase looks suspicious.] Just pick it up. [Chase turns and stoops to pick up the box.] Joe: Do you know what's wrong with me? House: Nothing that The Golden Girls couldn't have handled in 23 hilarious minutes. You had a hot flash. Those guys kicked your guys hard enough to do lasting damage. You didn't even look when presented with two reasonably attractive tuchi. [loudly, to Chase and Adams] Yeah, I said it! Joe: I was listening to my doctor. House: People generally listen with their ears, leaving their eyes free to wander. I'm guessing that your testosterone level is just below "Bieber." Do a blood test to confirm, and start hormone replacement. It's no wonder that you think women are so great. You've basically been one for the last three years. [On that exit line, House opens the door and leaves.] Taub: Tests confirm House is right. Low testosterone explains all your symptoms. They should go away with replacement therapy. Uh, we're gonna give you a fairly high dose. Over time, your personal physician may reduce it a little. [picks up syringe] Just need you to turn around. Marlene: Will the shts increase his libido? Joe: Are you worried about that? Marlene: No. [slight laugh] Joe: Have you been unsatisfied? Marlene: No. No, it's just… Well, it's usually me that initiates things. Sometimes I–I think maybe you aren't that attracted to me. Joe: Are you crazy? Taub: With these injections, you will see an increase in sex drive. Joe: Okay, great. Marlene: Yeah. Taub: Okay. [Joe leans over the bed. He and Marlene smile at each other as Taub gives him the sht.] Taub: All done. Joe: Okay. [He starts buckling his pants.] Oh, something's wrong. I think I peed myself. Marlene: Is that from the testosterone? Taub: [guiding Joe to a seat] It couldn't be. I don't think you're going home just yet. [Cut to Diagnostics. House is listening and drumming his fingers on his cane.] Chase: It's not a plumbing problem. Means it's probably neurological. House: And? Chase: [pulling some papers to him] And name Dominika's three brothers. House: Uh… Volodymyr, Oleksiy, and… [frustrated] aaugf. Adams: Low testosterone is off the table as a symptom. Guy got his nuts cracked three years ago. Don't need to look much further than that. House: So his hose just happens to spring a leak at the same time he's in a hospital for a totally unrelated problem. [points to Chase, triumphantly] Fjodor. Chase: It's Fedir. Taub: If low testosterone means I can't get sick with something else, then punch me in the junk right now. House: I would, if it weren't redundant. Is Fedir the one who married Mykola? Chase: [reading] Mykola is… Dominika's uncle? Adams: How is it you can retain every detail of our habits and personal lives, and none of this? House: 'Cause I find it hard to remember things I don't give a crap about. Ergo, Dominika has one brother, and his name is Al. Park: Maybe the testicular damage set the stage for something worse. Multiple Sclerosis causes incontinence, and progresses faster in men with low T. House: Way to stay on point. It's that kind of leadership that's putting you at the head of the pack. Chase: There is no pack. She's the only applicant. House: Well, that's settled, then. Have your underlings do an LP and get a cranio-spinal MRI to check for plaques associated with M.S. I will go tell Foreman about your promotion. Chase and Adams: Wait. [Cut to the team leaving Diagnostics and walking down the hall.] Park: So nobody cares about the job till I apply, and suddenly it's the last limited-edition light saber at Comic-Con. Chase: Just seems like it should go to someone with more… seniority. Adams: Meaning you. Chase: I said "more," not "most." Adams: Meaning you or Taub. Taub: House is a dictator. Second in command is a meaningless position. Park: Doesn't look meaningless on my resume. Adams: Doesn't have to be meaningless at all. The right person could turn it into something. Get the department running smoothly. Chase: I wonder who that "right person" could be. Adams: House is the head of the department. It's only fair that a woman should hold the other position of authority. Park: Yeah, let's go affirmative action on this, because then I'll definitely win. Taub: This is what House wants. Wind us up and watch us fight over an empty title, which would make us extra stupid because of what we've just been through. We should let him choose whoever he wants and move on. [Cut to Joe’s room. Taub, assisted by Adams, is giving him a lumbar puncture.] Joe: So if these proteins are in my spinal fluid, that means I have M.S.? Taub: Proteins may indicate M.S. There's no one definitive test. That's why Dr. House ordered an MRI as well. Adams: This is anesthetic. It's a scary diagnosis. But advances are being made. Several drugs approved just this year. Joe: To be honest, at the moment, I'm feeling a little more worried about the testosterone injections. It's making me feel, uh, different. Just kind of amped. I went through this big life change, and it felt really… meaningful. But what if it was all just chemistry? Adams: Loss of testosterone could have been a factor, but think of it as a catalyst. It got you to reevaluate. Now you know what's important. You can choose to hold onto that. Right? Taub: It's certainly worth trying. [to Joe] Deep breath. Stay very still. [Cut to Foreman’s office.] Chase: Just tell House to drop the whole team leader thing. That's the only way it'll go away. Foreman: I don't think it's such a bad idea. A little more structure in your department couldn't hurt. Chase: Yeah. House is doing this because of his great love of structure, not because he wants us to turn on each other. Foreman: So don't do that. It makes sense to have someone in there with a little more accountability. Chase: As long as it's not Adams. She sees the whole thing as an opportunity to remake the department in her image. Or Park, for obvious reasons. And Taub's got the kids. He's pretty busy. Foreman: Are you seriously angling for a job that you mocked its fate the whole time I had it? Chase: I don't want the job. [Foreman gets in the elevator.] Foreman: You just don't want anyone else to have it. This'll be great. [The elevator doors close.] [Cut to House’s apartment. He is hanging a picture of an old man with a large mustache.] House: Your grandmother's kind of sexy. Dominika: That is Taras Shevchenko, the greatest Ukrainian poet. House: Is he the guy behind "There once was a man from Kremenchuk"? Dominika: Help me move coffee table. House: [helping] Well, then where will we have coffee? And by "coffee" I mean scotch. Dominika: Coffee and booze are artificial high for me. High is in exercise. [She jumps onto the couch cushions and over the back to reach the stereo. Amy Grant's “Every Heartbeat” starts. Dominika starts jumping around to the music.] Dominika: Dance aerobics. Fun, and good for the butt. [There’s a knock on the door. House doesn’t take his eyes off Dominika as he walks over and opens it. He glances at Park as she enters then goes back to watching Dominika.] Dominika: Whoo! Park: Amy Grant? House: I know. But there's a hot girl jumping up and down in my living room, so… [Park turns off the music. Dominika is unhappy.] Dominika: Aww! Park: You have a limited amount of time to learn a ton of uninteresting facts. Welcome to my wheelhouse. [Park puts a pile of papers and things on the table. She takes off her coat and sits on a chair in front of the fireplace, facing the couch.] House: You brought a protractor? Park: You never know when you might need to make a pie chart. House: [sits on the couch] Looks like someone is currying favor for the team leader position. [Dominika joins House and puts her arm around his shoulders.] Park: Yes. We'll be using a basic alphabet technique with a mnemonic multiplier. In high school, they called me "The Bookie Monster." [claps] Pop quiz. Where did you get the candlesticks? [She points to the mantelpiece.] On three. One, two, three. House: Morocco. Dominika: Denver. [Park sighs and reaches into her bag. She pulls out two energy drinks, which she hands to Dominika who passes one to House.] Park: Drink up. It's gonna be a long night. [Cut to Taub and Adams monitoring Joe’s MRI.] Adams: You really think this guy's gonna hulk out once the hormones kick in? Taub: Some male lizards do push-ups to attract mates. When scientists gave them extra testosterone, they did push-ups until they died. Same drive you took advantage of to get Chase to carry a box of files down to your car yesterday. Adams: Periventricular and subcortical white matter are clean. So you're saying masculinity is ingrained and irrational. Taub: I'm saying it's pointless to try— Adams: By extension, you're also saying femininity is enlightened and rational. It's the way we should all be, guys just are incapable of it. Taub: [changing the subject] Brain stem and cord are clean. Joe: Is it okay if I scratch my nose? Adams: Go ahead. [to Taub] Guess he doesn't have M.S. Joe: Something's wrong. Adams: Is it your hand? Joe: No, it's my eyes. I'm–I'm seeing double. [He holds his left hands in front of his face and looks at them.] ** [Cut to the ocean. A palm branch and a green islet can be seen. House, wearing a bright orange Hawaiian shirt and a lei, is holding Dominika close.] Park: [voice] Smile. It's your honeymoon. House: [hugging Dominika close] So what causes double vision on top of all the other symptoms? Adams: [at the conference table] It's not a brain tumor or we would've seen it on the scans. Eye exam didn't offer anything conclusive. Park: Let's do some winter shts. Wardrobe change. [House and Dominika get their coats. Hers is fur.] Taub: Thyroid eye disease in conjunction with Graves. House: Thyroid level was normal. [A TV on a cart rolls through the door.] Chase: Check it out. Simpson traded this in exchange for me helping out on some of my days off. House: Quite the display of initiative and leadership. Adams: But you're way too smart to fall for a blatant bribe like that. Park: Or a blatant flaunting of cleavage. Like those. [She takes a picture of Adams’s very blatantly flaunted cleavage.] Taub: What happened to not letting House get to you? You're like lemmings, marching off the cliff of competitive humiliation. Adams: All I'm doing is my job. House has indicated that he considers me attractive. There's nothing wrong with me using my strengths to my advantage. Park: With an argument like that, maybe you should just drop down to your knees and — I mean, unless that's not your strength. [House freezes, watching this. Dominika slips between his arms and clings to him. They are both wearing fur hats.] Dominika: Oh, big hug, big man. It's cold out here. Taub: At the risk of derailing this very productive photo sht and bickering session, what about myasthenia gravis? Extra-ocular muscle weakness leads to double vision, atonic bladder leads to incontinence. Could've been triggered when his T got really low. Dominika: [putting on a embroidered blue jumpsuit] Ooh, a little one. He'd be a good pick. House: Smooth. You let the rest of them compete, tear each other to pieces, then you swoop in with a save. Start the patient on IVIG and plasmapheresis. Taub: Can you handle that, please? I need a minute. House: Well, make it quick. We're doin' Memphis. [He’s wearing an Elvis wig that adds about 5 inches to his height and 10 pounds to his weight.] [Cut to House’s office. He enters, followed by Taub.] Taub: You think you want this, but it's a bad idea. House: I was gonna go Dollywood, but I'm not sure I could pull off that wig. Taub: Everybody was playing nice, and in your world, nice doesn't solve cases, but after what happened, a little bonding is a good thing. [House takes a Vicodin.] We still have ideas, we still argue. Maybe it could work better if we appreciate each other. House: That was impressive. You said that whole thing without once moving your lips. [Taub looks puzzled.] The ones you're not moving. Taub: Oh. I get it. I won't play along with your stupid games, so I'm no longer a man. Clever. House: Actually, you won't play along with my stupid games because you're no longer a man. Still clever, though. Studies have shown that raising kids lowers testosterone levels in men. The more involved you are, the lower it gets. Taub: Right. Having kids has neutered me. Or maybe it's helped me finally grow up. [He leaves.] [Cut to Joe’s room. Adams is checking the monitor.] Adams: How are you feeling? Joe: As long as I keep my eyes closed, pretty good. Really good, actually. I got energy, I feel confident, clear. Adams: Testosterone does tend to perk you up. Marlene: [entering] Hey, Hon. I brought you a burger. Joe: Really? Marlene: You're in the hospital. Eat whatever you want. Joe: You're the best wife ever. And I'm not just saying that because of how great your ass looks in those jeans. I'm sorry. That was— Marlene: [smiling] No, it's okay. Girl likes to know she's appreciated. Joe: Come here. So I think we should talk to Leading Lights about seminars and DVDs. Marlene: Are you sure? You were worried about the commitment. Joe: Yeah, there's no point in being in business with them halfway. You okay with that? Marlene: It's good to finally have a decision. Joe: Okay. [Cut to Wilson’s office. House, Dominika and Park are there.] House: Fedir is the brother she worries about the most. Ever since Luba passed. [Wilson enters.] Sorry. But this is the closest we could find to the cold, soulless offices of a government bureaucracy. Wilson: If you're not using your office, I will. Park: Does Dominika still communicate with her high school friends? House: Uh, Vasyl, yes. Oksana, no. Not since she kissed Pavlo. 'Cause that bitch knew that Dominika liked him. [Wilson is almost out the door when he hears this. He closes the door again.] Wilson: Wrong. Dominika: Oh, Oksana is a slut. dad to me. Wilson: The right answer is the wrong answer. No husband would pay that much attention to his wife's friend dramas. Park: Haven't you been divorced three times? Wilson: In-between those divorces, I was married, non-fraudulently, for 12 years total, which is 12 years longer than anyone in this room. [He sighs loudly.] Move. Park: So are you going for this team leader thing? Chase: Probably. Park: You deserve it. You have way more experience than me. Chase: You're giving up? Park: I wish. I still have a lot of med school debt, and my parents need help with their mortgage. So I could kinda use the money. [She slides open the door to Joe’s room and they enter.] Joe: As of an hour ago, I'm just seeing one of everything. Looks like you guys were right— Chase: We'll be right back. [He backs out and gestures for Park to follow him.] "I could use the money"? You want to game me, you gotta do better than that. Park: Chase— Chase: You want to be a leader, you have to know how to manipulate. You can't just spill— Park: I think the whites of his eyes were yellow. [Chase re-enters the room and checks Joe’s eyes with his flashlight which isn’t needed to see how yellow Joe’s eyes are.] Joe: Everything okay? Chase: Jaundice. Park: There's something wrong with your liver. ** [Cut to Diagnostics.] Chase: Liver function tests confirm his enzymes are totally out of whack. Park: So much for myasthenia gravis. House: Can we hurry this up? I have a government to defraud at noon. Adams: If you need to leave, you should. I'm fairly confident our patient's got sarcoidosis. Park: Wow, you said that with so much authority. Did anyone else get chills? Chase: Just until I realized our patient has no sign of parenchymal lung abnormalities, which makes sarcoidosis a long sht. And bookkeeping isn't gonna get you any farther than boobs. House: Though in fairness, the boobs were really, really helping. Taub: I still think it's myasthenia gravis. Park: Did you miss the recap? We treated for that. The liver tnk. Taub: But his vision got better. Adams: Liver problems could be a sign of celiac. He's been back on gluten since he's been in the hospital. Yesterday he had a burger. Taub: That would've kicked the celiac into gear, causing the liver problems. Chase: So your theory is that he has two unrelated diseases. And he's already got low testosterone. I seem to remember something about House hating coincidences. House: It's true. Park: I think it's Lyme disease. One single disease named "Lyme." Adams: Without a rash. Chase: 10% of cases present without a rash. House: Lyme disease it is. Start the patient on antibiotics. Now I have to get home before my fake wife gets real annoyed. [Cut to Joe’s room. He shifts in his bed.] Chase: Something bothering you? Joe: I asked the nurse for an extra pillow. That was half an hour ago. Chase: Sorry. Things can get pretty hectic. Joe: It was a pillow. I mean, how hard can a pil — Listen to me. I'm being a jerk. Chase: Testosterone can give you a shorter temper even when you're not sick. You noticed and adjusted. That's a good thing. Marlene: [enters] Hey. Just got a call from our lawyer. You changed our counter to leading lights? Joe: You deserve proper billing and a salary bump in the second term. Marlene: We talked about this. We decided it wasn't worth potentially blwing the deal. Joe: [cutting her off] It'll be fine. Marlene: I've got to get some work done. * Dominika: These are such pretty flowers you buy for me every Friday, from Japanese florist, on corner of Edison and Conway. House: Just one more thing. [He opens a box.] With this ring, I thee wedded. You left it here when you skipped town with your boyfriend. Dominika: You kept the rings. House: Actually, I tried to trade them to a hooker for unspecified favors, but it turns out she doesn't accept zinc. Dominika: Like modern fairytale. [There’s a knock on the door. House answers with Dominika clinging to his arm.] Weinmann: Dr. and Mrs. Gregory House? House: Yeah. Weinmann: Nate Weinmann. U.S. Immigration. [They shake hands.] House: Welcome to our home. [Cut to the hospital. Chase enters the a waiting room Marlene is in.] Chase: Give him time. When I was 14, there was a girl I wanted to impress, so I jumped off the roof of her house. Broke my ankle. Joe's basically going through puberty. It'll take him a while to adjust. Marlene: I-I tracked down a video from one of Joe's business coaching seminars from before I knew him. Joe: [on the computer] I'm hearing a lot about the value of compromise. We don't live on Sesame Street. We live in the real world, the business world. If you're not a winner, you're a loser. If you aren't comfortable with that, go open a pottery studio. Marlene: I never would have gone out with the guy in this video. [Cut to House’s apartment.] Weinmann: Uh, do you remember the last time she visited Vasyl? House: Uh, let me see, that would be… August? No. No, July. 'Cause I remember it was right after our half-anniversary, and I forgot to put a gift in her suitcase. And… I've never heard the end of that one. [Dominika, coming out of the kitchen with a snack, smiles at him. She offers the plate to Weinmann.] Dominika: House specialty. I made up this pun. Weinmann: [chuckles as he takes a pastry] Is it — Thank you. Dominika: Mm-hmm. House: Honey, why do you do this to me? You know I'm watching my weight. Dominika: Then maybe you'll stop eating cheese in front of open fridge in middle of the night. Weinmann: This is delicious. Dominika: Thank you. Weinmann: So everything looks good in here. I'm just gonna step out and get a corroborating interview from one of the neighbors. Dominika: Neighbors? It's-it's middle of the day. I-I-I think everybody's at work. Weinmann: Yeah, then they're at work. I just got a form to check off, and you will be on your way to permanent status. [He walks out. Dominika and House look at each other, worried. House walks to the closed door and listens.] Weinmann: 'Scuse me, sir. Do you have a minute? [Cut to the hallway. Weinmann is speaking to a man in an overcoat and matching cap who is locking the door of the apartment opposite House’s. He turns around. It’s Wilson. He speaks in an English accent that is better than the one House used in The Socratic Method, but no by much.] Wilson: How can I help you? Weinmann: Do you know Dr. and Mrs. House? Wilson: Of course, they've been my neighbors about two years, now. Lovely couple. I see them almost every night. They seem always to be together. Weinman: Great, well, thanks for your help. Wilson: Cheerio. [A large man appears from somewhere.] Hastings: Hey, what're you doing? That's my door. Wilson: [flustered, in his normal accent] Handing out menus for a new Chinese place. Hastings: You're that guy that plays noisy video games with House on Saturday nights. [Wilson turns and looks at Weinmann. The both look at House, who is standing in his doorway with Dominika right behind him.] House: There's a simple explanation. Weinmann: [ominously] Be at my office tomorrow at 10. [The door closes behind him.] [Cut to House’s office. Chase is in House’s chair. Adams and Park sit facing him. Taub pace behind them.] Taub: The patient's shown zero improvement. Chase: Because he's only been on the antibiotics overnight. Taub: Or because he doesn't have Lyme disease. Where are you? House: [on speaker phone] Oh, just chillin'. U.S. Citizenship and Immigration. Waiting on my fraud interview with my wife and my attorney. [Cut to USCIS. House, Dominika and Calvin Ayres, their attorney, sit on airport-style chairs.] No big. Ayres: [loud whisper] House. Hang up. [A large guard, standing by the door, shifts. Cut to the office.] Taub: I still think it's myasthenia gravis plus celiac. His change in diet has to be significant. Adams: We just need to do an intestinal biopsy to confirm. Chase: With his low platelet count, a biopsy puts him at risk for an abdominal bleed, which puts him at risk of death. [There’s a click as House hangs up.] [Cut to USCIS. Ayres has House’s phone in his hand.] Ayres: Either you're done, or you're walking in there without a lawyer. [The phone rings. House grabs it from Ayres.] House: I know, it sounds like a phone, but it's a timer to remind me to pee before our meeting. [He walks into the bathroom, looks and the screen and answers in a British accent.] Hello, old chap. [Intercut between the bathroom and Wilson’s office.] Wilson: You need to save yourself. I was up last night trying to find another angle, but I can't. Tell immigration you were in love with Dominika, but your marriage fell apart, and that's why you haven't been living together. House: She'll be deported, permanently. Wilson: House, I know you like Dominika, you have fun with her, but you got caught. There's no getting out of this. The best you could hope for is that you don't go back to jail. [Ayres enters the bathroom and taps House on the shoulder.] House: Tell my team to-to skip the biopsy and give the antibiotics more time. [House hangs up. He and Ayres leave the bathroom.] Ayres: They're ready for us. [Cut to Joe’s room. He and Marlene are having a discussion.] Joe: I drew a line in the sand, and I won. We should be celebrating. Adams: [entering] Do you need a few minutes? Joe: I’d rather keep getting better. Marlene: That's just it. You won. You made a demand that could've blown up the deal, and you never even asked me. Joe: Deal didn't blow up. They caved. Marlene: Joe, you say it in your seminars. Process matters just as much as results. Joe: Are you seriously busting my chops because I made one little move without you? How 'bout stepping aside and letting me be the man in this relationship for a change? Marlene: I really can't talk to you right now. [She leaves, quickly.] Joe: I don't know why I said that. Just — I got so angry. Adams: Hopefully after this dose, you'll start to feel better, and we can get you home. [She looks at this lunch plate with the remains of a sandwich and a few veggies on it.] But I'd like to do one more test. Ayres: The testimony of one angry, nearsighted neighbor shouldn't outweigh all other evidence. Photos, utility bills— Weinmann: Yes, because your clients would never fake anything. Ayres: Uh, we acknowledge the neighbor thing was a mistake, but that doesn't mean that all of the other documentation should just be thrown out. Weinman: Look, look, you know, I get that it's your job to try to act like there's a case here, but shut up. Ayres: [quietly] Okay. Weinmann: USCIS will be denying Miss Petrova's green card application. You'll be referred to immigration court for deportation proceedings, and we're gonna inform your parole officer about evidence of fraud. So, unless anybody has anything else to add… [Dominika looks at House. As Weinmann talks, she become visibly upset.] Dominika: [emotionally] Please, I am begging, do not send him back to jail. Maybe we have not lived together all these— Weinmann: Mrs. House, I have to advise you not to continue. Dominika: This man and I, did we marry for love? No. But this past week, we have a lot of fun. Working really hard to fool the U.S. government, right? Ayres: [to House] Don't answer that. House: [to Ayres] Way ahead of you. Dominika: [nearing tears] It was fake, but… it felt real. Maybe because it become real. This man — my husband — I want to stay with him, but if I cannot, please send me away, and let him be free. I love him. [House stares at her, unnerved. Weinmann thinks before speaking.] Weinmann: I didn't buy a word you said. But a judge might. [long pause] I'm gonna let you stay. But for the next six months, I'm gonna hold onto this file, and our investigators are gonna show up unannounced at 6:00 a.m., 11:00 at night, and they better find the two of you sitting on the couch, watching NCIS, eating ice cream from the same spoon. Or both of you will be sent to places farless pleasant than New Jersey. [Dominika silently walks out, followed by House and Ayres. As they reach the hallway Dominika begins to smile.] House: [whispers to her] What you just said in there… Dominika: [quietly] Don't worry. I'm much too smart to be falling in love with you. I will be needing extra shelf in bathroom. [House is stunned. She walks off.] [Cut to the lab. Adams is looking in a microscope. Taub enters.] Adams: Abdominal biopsy showed flattened villi. Looks like you were right about celiac. Taub: You do remember Chase got sab doing a test House didn't order? Adams: Good comparison, since both patients were tweaked on steroids. Taub: You only did this to score points over Chase and Park. Adams: We were right. I proved it, and the patient didn't bleed out. Why are you being a jerk about this? Let's go see if House is back. [Their beepers go off. Taub looks at his screen.] Taub: Patient's having trouble breathing. Adams: So much for celiac. ] [Cut to Diagnostics. House spins his wedding ring on the table.] Taub: His breathing is sab, but his lung function is at 60%, and his liver is tnk. Adams: And he has major symptoms of celiac without actually having celiac. Chase: Could be Whipple's. [The ring stops spinning. House picks it up and plays with it.] Taub: Doesn't explain the incontinence. Intestinal lymphoma? Chase: Doesn't explain the double vision. [to House] Any time you want to jump in. House: Is dance aerobics even a thing? Adams: I hear it's good for the butt. What about a parasitic infection? Strongyloides is known to damage the small intestine. Chase: In this country, he's about as likely to get that as win Powerball. Park: Someone does win Powerball. Every week. The patient went to Puerto Rico a few months ago. One of the few places in the U.S. you could pick up strongyloides. Taub: Treatment is ivermectin. We give that to someone with liver problems, he could have seizures, or worse. [They all look at House.] House: Do it. [Cut to Taub watching a video of one of Joe’s old corporate coaching videos. Joe: I'm hearing a lot about the value of compromise. But we don't live on Sesame Street, we live in the real— [House suddenly appears, leaning over Taub’s shoulder. Taub stops the video.] Taub: I was wondering if maybe we overlooked a symptom, or something. House: Makes perfect sense. If you're the patient, and "pantywaist" is the symptom. Taub: Adams and I both thought the patient could have celiac, but only she was willing to go out on a limb and run the test. I gave up. House: Now you're in here watching a motivational speech. Even your attempt to get your balls back lacks balls. [Taub starts the video again.] Joe: — world, the business world. If you're not a winner, you're a loser. Taub: His voice — it's lower than it is now. House: If only there was a good reason for a professional speaker to be hoarse. Joe: Go open a pottery studio. Taub: Good point. [turns off the video] House: It's not a good point. It's a decent point. You're doing it again. You have any other videos? Other seminars? Taub: A couple. [He opens one.] Joe: When you see a weakness, that's a time for strength. [clears throat] A lot of people say, "Oh, I feel bad about it. The other guy made a mistake." House: You bailed too early. Now I get all the credit. [He leaves, followed by Taub as the seminar continues to play.] Joe: That kind of thinking is what makes you have a bad day. [Cut to Joe’s room. House enters, followed by Taub.] House: Chronic hoarseness is a symptom of a condition called silent thyroiditis. Joe: But I'm not hoarse. [House unhooks Joe’s IV.] House: Exactly. But you were three years ago. Silent thyroiditis comes and goes. And it, in turn, is a symptom of polyglandular autoimmune syndrome type 3, which makes this a really bad idea. [He throws the ivermectin in the trash.] PAS 3 attcks the body's own endocrine system, moving from gland to gland. [CGI of Joe’s glands under attck.] It started in the thyroid, and probably helped along by your low testosterone, moved on to the gut. Taub: Where it caused celiac disease, or it would've if you weren't on a gluten-free diet. I was right. House: This is incredibly relevant. Eventually, PAS 3 attcked your thymus gland. You developed myasthenia gravis, which landed you in here, and you started eating gluten, which only made things worse. Joe: So am I gonna be okay? Taub: We'll treat the various conditions with high-dose steroids. Assuming they respond, you should be fine. Marlene: And the testosterone? House: Kicked in the nuts is kicked in the nuts. [Cut to a lab. Chase, Park and Adams are seated at the bench. Each has a tray with a pig’s foot on it.] House: Over the past week, you've all had good moments and bad. No one candidate has prevailed. And so now, we embark upon a contest of medical strength, stamina, and skill. Chase: Can we just get this over with? House: If the competitor representing Australia would like to take a point deduction, he should, by all means, continue yapping. Park: Your glee is on the verge of making this not worth it for any of us. House: Can I at least light the torch? Park: Hurry. [House lights a Bunsen burner and smiles.] House: I declare open the games of the number one, number two competition. Je declare ouvert— [Chase gives him a look.] All right. Ready, set, suture! ** Taub: T time. Joe: What happens if I don't take it? Or at least go to a much lower dose? Taub: Are you having side effects? Joe: No, I feel great. Faster, clearer. More like myself. But my marriage and my career, they're both built on me being somebody else. Taub: Low testosterone can cause depression and problems sleeping. It's also been linked to conditions such as osteoporosis and diabetes. It'll make your life harder and more dangerous on top of all the meds you'll be taking. Joe: I'll take that risk. I'm a better man without it. [Cut to House eating potato chips while watching the contestants doing labs. Amy Grant's “Every Heartbeat” plays. Taub joins him.] Taub: Well, this certainly has brought more structure to the department. House: Really, I'm just excited for the wheelchair race. You were smart not to enter. Never in, never lose. And since you no longer have stones. Taub: I'll split the 50 a week with you. House: Deal.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x13 - Man of the House"}	foreverdreaming
Sam: Telling you, Will, you got a real winner here. She's just gonna love it. Will: Stacy, box her up. [A sheet of tissue paper rustles as Stacy pulls it off a pile.] Oh. Just the box. I'm sure it's prettier than the paper. [Stacy and Same smile as she hands Will the box. He opens it to reveal a ring with a large, square diamond and a few baguettes on the band.] One tiny rock. So many other cool things I could have bought for myself. [He touches the ring, shifting it from side to side in the box.] Sam, Stacy, it's been a pleasure being ripped off by you. Sam: Such a nice boy. Too bad he's a handicap. [Cut to the street. Will’s cane comes into view before he does. He navigates the two stairs in front of the store and works his way to the curb.] Will: Excuse me. Thank you. [Will pushes the button to get a walk signal. As he waits, noise builds around him, especially a loud beep that sounds like a truck backing up signal, highly amplified. He shakes his head and holds his hand to his ear. The sound continues to build. He becomes disoriented, drops his cane and stumbles into the street. Cars swirl around him and a siren is added to the auditory hallucination.] [Will turns in a circle, narrowly avoiding being ht by a car. One turns a corner and the driver slams on the brakes, stopping close enough for Will to touch the hood. He drops to his knees and half crawls to the curb where a young man helps him onto the sidewalk.] Man: You all right, man? Take it easy, man! [Will claps both hands over his ears, trying to block out the escalating noise.] It's okay. It's okay. OPENING CREDITS [Cut to a black and white photograph of someone with the eyes cut out. The blue-eyed person looking through the holes holds the picture up like a mask.] House: Kid's a blind diabetic. He's hyperglycemic hyperosmolar. [Cut to Diagnostics. Park and Adams are eating. Taub and Chase aren’t. House is on the speakerphone.] Adams: Which is what we thought until his blood tests showed a controlled sugar level and no ketones. Park: It could be caused by drug abuse. Taub: His tox screens were clean. House: [voice] You lying sack of crap. Taub: I have them right in front of me. House: Not you. This time. My former BFF. [He looks over the balcony railing at the hospital lobby. Wilson and a woman are walking in.] He's S-M-I-T-B-A-W-S. sab me in the back as we speak. [Intercut between House and the team.] Adams: Where exactly are you? [Wilson rings for the elevator.] House: If anyone should happen to ask, I'm in an out-of-state medical conference until further notice. Adams: Why would any— Chase: And… don't really care. Auditory hallucinations and disorientation could be signs of schizophrenia. Taub: They did a psych consult. Mental status is normal. Park: Seizure, noise-induced epilepsy — the sound of rush hour traffic could have set it off. House: Run an E.E.G. Blast his brain with harmonics to find out. Also, if anyone should further happen to ask, I spent the whole last year in Africa with Doctors Without Boundaries. Adams: Who are you hiding from? House: Evil. [He takes a Vicodin.] [Cut to Diagnostics. Wilson and Blythe House enter.] Wilson: Where's House? Taub: Uh, he's at an out-of-state medical conference. In Baltimore, I think. [There’s a pause as the whole team stares at Blythe.] Blythe: Nice to meet you. I'm Blythe, his mother. [Cut to Will’s room. Melissa, a very pretty young woman is there. She strokes his face.] Melissa: Do you want me to pick up the Braille writer and laptop from your apartment? Will: I don't plan on being here that long. I didn't eat lunch yesterday. I probably just fainted. Park: [entering] Or had an epileptic seizure. Chase: [closing the door behind him] Which is only one possibility. I'm Doctor Chase. Uh, we'd like to discuss your case with you privately. Melissa: I'm his girlfriend. Is it all right if I stay for this? Will: Melissa can stay. And I've never had a seizure before in my life. Chase: They can be mild. Like a loss of concentration or a muscle tremor. Park: A lot of times a family member notices before the patient does. I'm Doctor Park, by the way. I'm 5'2", Asian, and I'm totally cool with it if you wanna feel my face. Melissa: Blind people only do that in movies. Will: But you sound nice, so if you want me to… Chase: Her point was, you may not have realized you were having a seizure, but maybe your girlfriend has? Melissa: No. But I-I haven't seen him for the last five months. We were on a break. Will: Like Rachel and Ross on Friends. Never seen the show myself, but I hear it's good. That joke usually kills my blind friends. Melissa: Will, this is serious. Will: No, it's not. Since I don't have epilepsy. [to Chase and Park] I have to pay attention to every signal my body sends or receives. Or I end up taking a dirt nap. You don't think I'd know if I was having seizures? It's probably just low blood sugar. Chase: If that's true, then you shouldn't have a problem passing our test. [Cut to the cafeteria. Wilson and Blythe are having lunch.] Blythe: How is he, James, really? Wilson: He's better than I've seen him in a long time. Blythe: Is he happy? Wilson: Uh… Blythe: It's okay. He's always been a complicated child. Wilson: Were you in the hospital recently? [He notices the hospital ID bracelet on her left arm.] Blythe: Oh, nothing serious. I just had a few moles removed yesterday and forgot I even had it on. [She puts her purse in her lap and looks for something inside. In the process, she shifts a book with “Dealing…Terminal…” on the back cover.] Look, if Greg happens to get back early from the conference, I'm staying at a hotel in town for the next three days. [She hands him a business card.] I would like him to call me. Wilson: I will pass it on. Blythe: Thank you. Um, do you think that they would mind if I got a refill for the road? [She holds up her soda cup.] Wilson: Not at all. Blythe: Good. [She goes back to the counter. Wilson takes the opportunity to look at the book in her bag. The title is “Dealing with Your Terminal Cancer.”] [Cut to the audiology lab. Will sits in a chair with ear buds in. Electrodes go from various places on his head to the headset. Adams and Taub watch from the adjoining room as various notes play.] Adams: Not seeing any seizure activity in response to low frequency sounds. I'm starting him on mid-range. Taub: Have you seen his girlfriend? Extremely hot. Adams: Blind people can't have attractive girlfriends? Taub: Not my point. He actually convinced her to go for the whole relationship break thing. Adams: How do you know it wasn't her idea? Taub: Because she's back with him. Women suggest a break when they wanna break up. Men do it because they wanna have sex with other women before they settle down. Adams: They're a little young to get married, don't you think? Taub: I was their age when I did. [She gives him a look.] I see your point. [She sits up straight, looking at Will who is gagging and holding his throat.] Adams: He's seizing. Sound frequency's at 300 hertz. Taub: It's not a seizure. He's not spiking on his E.E.G. [They rush into the treatment room.] Taub: He's not moving air. I think he's choking on something. [He holds Will’s mouth open while Adams peers in with a flashlight.] Adams: Blood. I don't see any blockage. Taub: Help me move him. [They get Will to his feet and Taub Heimlichs him. The blockage shifts and Will loudly gulps in some air, blood drooling from his mouth.] Adams: Just relax and breathe. [Taub goes to the object and picks it up. It’s a bloody molar. Will retches into his hand and uses his other hand to feel the other teeth he just spat out.] Will: What-what are these? ** [Cut to radiology viewing room. The team is there, viewing films of Will’s head. House isn’t.] Taub: Three teeth detached from his jawbone and lodged in his throat. He almost choked to death on them. Chase: Environmental? Could be heavy metal poisoning or radiation exposure. Taub: Then he wouldn't be the only one. He's an accountant who works on the same floor with 50 other people. Park: Maybe his girlfriend poisoned him. [The others stare at her.] House usually thinks that's a good guess. And she's gotta be pissed off and have low self-esteem. Why else would she give him a free pass to pork other women? House: [voice] Because he's handicapped. Women feel sorry for us. This cane is tail bait. Adams: Where are you now? Chase: Expect an actual answer this time? Dominika: [voice] Hi, guys. Was wondering if House's mother left yet. He won't let me go to our hous— House: [voice] It's not environmental, it's periodontitis. Chase: An oral infection doesn't explain his disorientation and auditory hallucinations. [There’s the sound of several children laughing wherever House is.] House: [voice] They're laughing because they know diabetes exacerbates the condition. Taub: It could progress to a systemic disease. The bacteria spread and affect other organs. House: [voice] Like his brain. Start him on broad-spectrum antibiotics and book him an appointment with a periodontist. [Adams disconnects the phone.] Park: He has fake children now, too? [Cut to a hospital playroom. House and Dominika are playing a video game. Several children, in pajamas or hospital gowns, are behind them.] Dominika: You think I'm not good enough for your mother. House: Not in front of the kids, honey. [A girl hands him a picture she drew. He studies it.] Hey, add a couple of flies, toss in a dad goat or two, we might have a winner. [She nods and takes the picture back as Wilson approaches.] She gone? Wilson: Yeah. We really need to talk. House: Okay. [He puts down the video controller, stands and addresses the kids.] Crayons down. Line up if you wanna get paid. [The children, each carrying a drawing, move toward House who gives each one a dollar.] [to Wilson] It's the only time I ever successfully lie to my mom; is through the elaborate preparations and props. [Wilson looks at one of the pictures. It has “Africa” at the top. Below that are two palm trees, a giraffe and a hut. In front of them is a man with green pants, a white jacket and a cane. He is “Doctor House.” One boy adds his picture to the pile. House pays him automatically then picks up the picture.] House: Hey, hey, hey. I said no Transformers, Slick. [He grabs the dollar bill from the boy.] [to Dominika] Stay here until the coast is clear. [He gathers his props and follows Wilson.] Dominika; [still playing the video game] Fine. But you sleep on couch tonight. [Cut to the hallway.] Wilson: You sleeping with her now? House: Just in case an I.N.S. guy comes in through the window. Wilson: Oh. House: Yeah, she didn't buy it either. Wilson: You need to talk to your mother. House: When I'm ready. Still need to get a fake passport, doctored photos, maybe a case of AIDS. Wilson: She's sick, House. [House stops and stares at Wilson, shocked.] House: Did she say that? Wilson: She was wearing a hospital admission bracelet and carrying around a book on dealing with terminal cancer. [House thinks.] I'm sorry. [House dumps the children’s pictures in the trash.] She's staying at the Grand for the next three days. [He hands House the card Blythe gave him and leaves. House stands there, holding the card.] [Cut to Will’s room. Park hangs an IV bag.] Park: The antibiotics will stop the infection from spreading further. Taub: And I'll spare you the lecture you'll get from the periodontist tomorrow, but you need to practice better oral hygiene. Will: So are you guys saying this is happening because, what, I didn't floss enough? Park: Probably didn't help, but diabetics are prone to this type of infection. Melissa: [indulgently] Half the time, he doesn't even bother getting undressed before he goes to bed. Can only imagine how many times you've skipped brushing your teeth since we—[Will turns away.] Sorry. I don't mean to lecture you, babe. Will: Well, I guess you're right. Look, you haven't eaten anything all day. Why don't you go grab a bite? I'll be fine. Melissa: All right, well, I'll see you in an hour, okay? Will: Not if I see you first. [She smiles, grabs her coat and leaves. Will talks to Taub and Park.] I was wondering if I could ask you guys for a favor. I really need my laptop and Braille writer, and I can't ask Melissa to get them for me. Taub: Why not? Will: Because… [reaches under his pillow and pulls out the ring box] I want you to put this someplace safe. [Park grabs the box and opens it.] Park: It's beautiful. Will: People always say diamonds are beautiful. But to me they just feel cold. They have really sharp edges. Park: I guess convincing her to take a break was a good thing. Will: Well, the break was her idea. Melissa's the only girl I've ever dated. She wanted me to be sure before we… took the next step. Taub: Wow. Will: Yeah. [Cut to the ring box being placed on a closet shelf next to a collapsible cane. Taub is checking the clothing in the closet.] Park: What are you doing? Taub: We're here. We might as well search the place in case we're wrong about periodontitis. [Park goes to the kitchen. Taub follows.] What are you doing? [She pulls a spoon from a drawer and opens the half gallon of “Pattow” ice cream she took from the freezer.] Park: We're here. Might as well eat. Taub: You're stealing food from a blind man? Park: We're doing him a favor. He owes me. [She takes a jar of Gummi bears from the cupboard.] Taub: I take it from your low self-esteem theory you have some experience with relationship breaks? [She gives him a look.] What happened? Park: He talked me into it, then… slept with three of my friends. Then dumped my ass. College boyfriend. Thought he was the love of my life. Taub: Then why agree to a break? Park: My self-esteem wasn't as high back then. Taub: No one's is. Park: Ugh! [She races to the sink and spits it out.] Sugar free! [She drinks from the tap.] Ugh. Disgusting. Taub: I'll check the bathroom. You keep checking the snacks, [Cut to House. He’s in the hotel hallway. He sighs and raises his fist to knock on the door, exhales and walks away. He stops, takes his cane and uses it to knock twice before he can lose his courage again. Blythe answers, wearing a hotel terry cloth robe. She stops smiling when she sees who it is.] Blythe: Greg. [He walks past her, into the room.] House: Sorry I didn't call first. I just flew back from my conference. [She closes the door and comes after him. She is unsettled. She takes her bra off the back of a chair and puts it in the pocket of her robe.] Blythe: Um, this—this really isn't, uh— House: I need your medical records and the name of your primary physician. [He’s not making eye contact with her. There’s the sound of movement to the right, where House is looking. Cut to a gray-haired man jumping into the bed. House stares. He is clearly shocked.] Blythe: Well, you remember Mr. Bell. [House closes his eyes in a very long, slow blink.] House: Well, if I didn't, I will now. [minor epiphany] You're not dying? Blythe: I, uh… I may have misled James by letting him see a book on cancer. Thomas: [We did, however, have some expectations that you might call first. [Thomas has a very thick Scottish accent. Blythe crosses to him and holds his hand. His other hand keeps the bedcovers up near his neck.] Blythe: Yeah. This isn't how I envisioned you finding out. Mr. Bell and I, we're… House: Having sex. Got it. Thomas: Getting married. Also. Blythe: We wanted you to be the first to know. [An alarm beeps. Cut to Will’s room. He’s having a seizure. A nurse is holding him. Chase and Adams enter.] Chase: I need 10 milligrams of benzodiazepine. Adams: Help me hold him down. [The nurse gives Chase a syringe, which he injects in Will’s IV. Adams begins to suction Will to keep him from choking.] * [Cut to Diagnostics. House is in the corner, on the sofa. His eyes are closed and his head is back. Chase, Taub and Park are at the table. Adams has the whiteboard, which currently lists auditory hall., seizures, diabetes?, epilepsy, disorientation & tooth loss.] Adams: I'm putting epilepsy back on the table. Chase: And I'm taking it off because it doesn't explain losing his teeth. Taub: The kid's diabetic. The periodontitis could be real but completely unrelated. Chase: Coincidence. Buying that, House? House: Until I hear something that takes my mind off the Jurassic schlong that I was traumatized by this afternoon. Park: I know what's wrong with the patient. Illegal drugs. Some kind of acid. Taub: His tox screens were clean. Park: His apartment wasn't. Taub: [surprised] We didn't find any drugs. Park: Then why am I completely tripping balls right now? I'm seriously freaking out here, guys. Can't you tell? [There’s nothing to see. She’s behaving normally, for her.] Chase: You pretty much look the same as you always do. [House comes over.] House: Take your glasses off. Pupils dilated… Pulse elevated. Hallucinating? Park: I think so, because… he's a rabbit. [Chase is lounging on the bar. He’s dressed in a lab coat, shirt and tie, but his face, hands and feet are furry. He has rabbit ears and is holding a huge carrot. He twirls the carrot and takes a bite. Park continues to stare as Chase reverts to his human form. He leans against, not on, the bar, drinking a coffee. Slinky carnival music plays as Jessica Rabbit Adams sashays toward her from the windows. She, too, has rabbit ears. Her long, auburn hair curls past her shoulders. She’s wearing black opera gloves and a white satin dress slit to her crotch. He bust has tripled in size.] Park: Oh, I get it. Because she's his wife. [She holds her hand to the corner of her mouth and stage whispers, confidentially, to House.] They flirt a lot. I've seen things. [House looks toward Adams, puzzled. Park turns and studies the next member of the team.] Park: Mm, Taub— Taub is either… a tooth fairy or… Rainbow Brite. [Taub is wearing a purple tutu and stockings with black slippers which lace up his calves. He has wings and an illuminated wand. He is several feet off the ground. He flies over and, when she identifies his outfit, he points his finger at her — bing — you’re right.] Park: And you… [laughs] you're just House. [House looks exactly the same.] Taub: She ate ice cream and Gummi Bears at the patient's apartment. One of 'em must have been dosed with it. House: Go back and find the drugs. You two, find out where he bought them, and then MRI his brain. Check for infections, masses, and plaques. Park: [worried, staring at her hands] Am I gonna die? House: We'll get back to you on that. [They leave her alone.] [Cut to Will’s room.] Will: I've been blind since birth. I thought maybe if I tried LSD, I might, you know… Colors… a shape. I just-I just wanted to see something. Chase: How many times? Will: Maybe five or six. Chase: We need to know where you bought it so we can find out what was in it. Will: My girlfriend gave it to me. Adams: I'll find her. [starts to leave] Will: No, don't. It-it wasn't Melissa. I met someone else. Adams: When were you planning on telling her that, before or after you ask her to marry you? Will: The ring isn't for her. We were on a break. She wanted me to see what else was out there, and I did. I was gonna tell her the other night, but I ended up here instead. Chase: We just need to talk to the one who supplied the drugs. Will: She's on vacation with her parents. This is her cell. [He pulls up her number on his Braille writer. Chase copies it.] I don't want her to know I'm in the hospital. She'll only freak out. Adams: [sarcastic] That's very considerate of you. Will: You think this is easy for me. I know I have to tell Melissa. Adams: Well, what's stopping you? Will: She's still one of my best friends. And I don't want to be alone in here. [Cut to Park. She’s in House’s Eames chair, covered with a lab coat as a blanket. She looks scared. Wilson enters.] Wilson: Have you seen your mother yet? House: [taking notes from his computer screen] She's not dying. She was having sex with my father. [Park snorts a laugh.] Ignore her. She's on acid. Wilson: Your father's dad, House. House: Not the dad dad, the biological dad. The one I pointed out to you at fake father's funeral. [Thomas does look a bit like Sean Connery, if you squint.] Wilson: Huh. Are you sure? Your only evidence is that birthmark you saw when you were 12. House: Well, now I've seen two. Good news is, I won't technically be a bastard much longer. We're gonna be one big, crappy family. Wilson: Well, that's-that's great news. Your mother won't be alone anymore, and you can finally get to know the guy. House: Yes, that is one option. [His tone says otherwise.] Wilson: Are you saying you're not even curious? You want to know what I think? House: I think you know the answer to that question. Wilson: You avoid your mother because she's the one person whose opinion you actually care about. House: If that was true, you'd have every reason to shut up. I avoid my mother because she's boring. Wilson: That's why you've been so open and honest about prison and marrying a complete stranger. House: Even if I care what she thinks, why would I care what some sperm donor does? Wilson: You read the guy's book about three times. House: Years ago. It took three times because it was so badly written. Park: [laughs] Oh, I get it. The second birthmark was on his penis, right? [That stops the conversation.] [Cut to MRI. Adams is observing Will. Chase joins her.] Adams: He's a dick. Chase: You've been working for House for months and just now realized that disabled people can also be dicks? Adams: What he's doing now to that girl isn't fair. Chase: The break was her idea. Adams: And now she thinks they're back together. Chase: He's a scared, sick, blind kid who doesn't want to be alone. You really don't get that? Adams: I do, but… [She sees something on the screen. Chase leans forward to look.] Chase: What is it? Adams: Not good news for him… or Park. ** [Cut to radiology. House enters and looks at the MRI results that are on the wall.] Adams: Where's Park? House: Wilson's babysitting her. Talking about the fact that she could have permanent brain damage might bum her trip out a little bit. Chase: A dark spot doesn't necessarily equal brain damage. It could be a congenital malformation connected with his blindness or a tumor. House: A clot. Chase: Exactly. We need to do another scan, but inject dye and figure out— House: I said "a clot," not "or a clot." It's a clot. Cerebral venous sinus thrombosis. Adams: Good news for Park. I've never seen one present this large before. Taub: It fits. When it was smaller, it caused his initial disorientation and hallucinations. As it grew larger, the seizures. Chase: If left untreated, it leads to cerebral edema and death. But what causes that and tooth loss? Adams: Any hyper-coagulable state. Lupus? House: I counter your lupus with Behcet's syndrome. Taub: No, he doesn't have any of the earlier symptoms — color blindness, abnormal visual fields or— We've been ignoring his eyes because he's blind. House: Well, if he wasn't before, he would be by now. Confirm with an eye exam, start treatment with heparin for the clot. Interferon and steroids for the Behcet's. [Cut to House’s office. A book sails across the room and ht’s Wilson who tries to fend it off. Park throws another and another, picking up everything from the conference table and hurling those items as well.] Wilson: No, no! Park: Give me back my teeth! Wilson: Park, listen. Park— Park: You're a tooth thief! Wilson: No, no, no. Stop it, stop it! Ki-ki-ki! Back on the couch. [He picks up a chair and uses it as a combination shield and lion tamer’s stool as he tries to back Park up. Blythe and Thomas enter.] Blythe: What are you doing to this poor girl? Wilson: It's not what it looks like. She— Oh! [She ht him with a pillow.] She's tripping on acid. Thomas: Good lord, man, that's no way to treat a bad trip. Put the chair down. You'll end up hurting the poor wee thing. There you are. [Wilson puts the chair down. Thomas walks slowly and calmly toward Park.] Hello, darlin'. I'm Thomas, and this beautiful creature here is Blythe. Is there anything we can do to help you? Park: [standing on the couch] That rabbit stole my teeth. Thomas: Of course he did, but I'll tell you what he's done. He's put them back again, and they're twice as nice as they used to be. You can feel them if you like. [She does, tentatively.] See? Now, why don't we sit on this nice comfy couch, have a nice cool drink and talk all about it. Would you like that? [Park nods and sits. She looks scared.] Blythe: [to Wilson] He's had some experience with things like this, back in the day. Thomas: As I recall, both of us— Blythe: Uh, not the time or the place, dear. Thomas: There you are. See? There you are. Wilson: There's no way that guy's related to you. [leaves] [Cut to a view of Will’s eye. Chase stands up and turns off the flashlight.] Chase: There's fresh scarring and swelling in both fundi, and a bleed on the left. House was right. It's Behcet's syndrome. Will: Give it to me straight, Doc. Am I ever gonna see again? Chase: That's a little out of our jurisdiction. We need to wrap a dressing over your eyes to keep the light out. Will: It’s not really a problem for me. Chase: You might not see it, but your tissue does. It'll also help with the swelling. I'll leave you in Dr. Adams' capable hands. [leaves] Will: You think I'm an ass, don't you? I can tell by your breathing. Either you're angry or fat. Adams: [applying the bandage to Will’s eyes] I think it's unfair that you're leading on a woman who obviously loves and cares about you. Will: I love and care about her too. But we just don't work together as a couple. Adams: You need to tell her that. Will: I'm going to. But I just want to do it the right way. I don't want her to hate me. Adams: When she finds out you bought an engagement ring for another woman, that option is out the window. Will: It was gonna be for her. Adams: What changed? Will: She told me we were going on a break. I didn't even get a say in the matter. Adams: She wanted you to be sure about your relationship. I can see how that would be annoying. Will: I think I liked it better when you were just breathing angrily. She still sees me as the same sheltered, blind geek she met in college. Most of the time she acts more like my mother than my girlfriend. I asked her to marry me. She tells me I need to date somebody else first. I'd rather she just dumped me. At least that I can understand. Adams: So you were hurt so much you had to marry the next woman you met? Will: Julie doesn't see me as I was, but for who I am now. She trusts me to make my own decisions and to help her with hers. For the first time in my life, I have somebody who needs me… instead of the other way around. [Adams considers this.] [Cut to House’s office. Blythe is tucking a blanket around Park who has fallen asleep on the Eames chair. House enters.] Blythe: Ah, she finally fell asleep. I think she'll be fine in a couple of hours. House: How do you know about handling a bad acid trip? Friends in your gardening club been experimenting again? Blythe: I was young once. [There is laughter from the conference room. Thomas is in there with Wilson looking at a book.] A little scrapbook that Thomas threw together. He even has a couple of pictures of you as a child. [Picture of young Greg dressed as a cowboy, brandishing a six-sh*t.] Thomas: And I've known Greg almost since he was born, you know. His father and I were like brothers. I was a Navy chaplain in those days. I left the service in the late '60s. I don't think his dad ever forgave me for protesting the wr. [He turns the page. There’s a picture of young Thomas and Blythe at a protest rally.] Of course, if he knew I'd got Blythe involved… House: You protested the wr? When? Blythe: You were a child. I didn't share my entire schedule with you. Thomas: Well we knew if we told you, you'd tell him, and he'd kll us both. He was a marine. It was the ultimate betrayal. House: Penultimate. Blythe: Sweetheart, I think we need to get back to the hotel. [Thomas stands and shakes hands with Wilson.] Thomas: Wilson, it's been a real pleasure. [He turns to Greg who pointedly does not take his hand.] You're right. Much too formal. Come here, lad. [He pulls House into a hug and pats his back a couple of times. House stands there, impassive.] We're practically family now. Blythe: We'll see you boys tonight. Wilson: 8:00 sharp. [They leave. House stares at Wilson, totally confused about everything that’s been going on.] I invited them out to dinner. Told them it was your idea. [Cut to Will’s room. Melissa holds a drink for him.] Melissa: Straw. I know we agreed that whatever happened on break would stay on break, and I don't expect you to talk about yours. But I just want you to know that there was no one else. [Will clears his throat.] I missed you so much, I barely even saw my own friends. I'm just so glad it's finally over. [Will coughs a couple of times with his mouth closed.] Are you okay? [He opens his mouth and coughs blood. A nurse enters and pulls on gloves.] What's happening to him? Melissa: Is he going to be okay? Taub: I'm going to need to discuss that with my colleagues. Will: We have to talk. Melissa: No, you need to rest. Will: I have to tell you about… about what happened on break. Melissa: Later. You just lie back and relax— Will: Stop it, Melissa! Just stop telling me what I need, and listen for once, okay? [She talks to him like he’s a child and looks startled at his outburst. Taub leaves.] [Cut to the hall. Adams, Chase and Taub are all at the nurses’ station outside Will’s room. Park and House approach.] Adams: How are you feeling? Park: Embarrassed. I'm still not sure what was real or what I hallucinated. Did you try to kiss me? [Adams shakes her head.] What about you? [Chase frowns.] Taub: He's sab for the moment. Adams: Coughing up blood. That doesn't really change anything. Hemoptysis is a symptom of Behcet's. Taub: Except our treatment should make him better, not worse. Park: It could be doing both. Our treatment breaks down his clot in his head, like it's supposed to, except a piece broke off and traveled to one of his arteries in his lungs. If anything, we need to increase the heparin to prevent further clots from forming. Adams: If we do that and he starts hemorrhaging, we won't be able to stop the bleeding. House: If we don't do that, the next clot could cause a heart attck or a stroke. Park's way, he at least has a sht at living. CT his lungs to confirm, and up the dose. [The door to Will’s room opens and Melissa comes out. She’s carrying her coat and she walks past the doctors very quickly.] Taub: She's young and hot. She'll bounce back. Park: Eighty-two pounds. [They all look at her.] How much weight I put on when my break ended the same way. People were calling me Park-ing-lot. [Cut to the restaurant. Wilson, Blythe and Thomas are eating.] Thomas: Hmm… Almost 9:00. I think your boy is gonna stand us up. Blythe: No, no, he'll be here. Thomas: Practically walked in on us having sex. God, if I saw my mother doing that, I'd claw my own eyes out. Of course, she was nowhere near as attractive as you. Horribly fat, as a matter of fact. [House enters with Dominika. Wilson’s jaw drops and stays that way.] House: Mother… Guy sleeping with my mother, this is Dominika, my wife. Dominika: It's so nice to be meeting you. And Gregory tells me that you were born in Richmond, Virginia, and your father was a tailor who stole from his clients. House: James has persuaded me of the value of openness and honesty in relationships. [Blythe and Thomas look at Wilson who looks uncomfortable.] [Cut to CT lab. Chase and Adams are in the observation room.] Adams: We see people with disabilities all the time, but… seeing and understanding aren't always the same thing. Chase: [looks around to see who else is there] Are you talking to me or writing a Facebook post? Adams: I'm saying we should have picked up on the degeneration in his eyes sooner. We ignored them because we assumed they weren't even part of the equation. I also realized, intellectually, I may understand what it means to be disabled, but emotionally, I didn't have a clue. Apparently, his girlfriend didn't either. Chase: So you're back on his side? Adams: It's not a side. It's a perspective. He just wants to be treated like an adult, make his own decisions. I may not agree with all of them, but how the hell can I judge him? Chase: I'm sure that's exactly what disabled people want, to be treated like completely foreign entities, incapable of being judged and understood. [looks at the monitor] Park was right about the clot. Hopefully the anticoagulants keep it from klling him. House: So… she gets the couch on the odd nights, and I get the bed on evens. In exchange for a federal felony, she gets a green card, and I get a live-in maid. [He smiles.] Thomas: Good for you. The immigration policy in this country is a travesty. It forces people to lie just so nice people can stay here. Dominika: Thank you… Dad. House: I'm grateful you approve. [He hunches his shoulders slightly as he steels himself for this next one] You should also know that I was not in Africa the last year. [Wilson looks surprised at this admission.] Blythe: [nods] You were in jail. [House looks shocked.] I've been reading the Princeton police blotter ever since you moved here. [Wilson’s surprise turns to admiration as he realizes he underestimated Blythe.] And I'm afraid I haven't been truthful with you either. And I've wanted to tell you this for a very long time. Thomas and I… we got married two months after your father passed away. House: [uninterested] Uh-huh. Thomas: You understand, we didn't want you to think we were disrespecting the memory of your father. [Wilson is watching like he’s at a tennis match, his eyes flitting back and forth between the speakers.] House: And… is there another secret that you want to share with me? Blythe: [looks fondly at Thomas] No. House: There's nothing you think might be relevant to my life? Thomas: Like… what? House: I don't know. Just off the top of my head, something like I DNA-tested my dad and found that he was not my biological father — you are. Thomas: [laughs] That's impossible. House: People lie. Birthmarks don't. [He stands up and unbuckles his belt. Dominika looks delighted, Wilson looks exhausted. There’s the sound of House’s fly being unzipped.] Thomas: [looking] Oh, my God! You told me he was a premie. This bloody lunatic is my son! Blythe: He's not a lunatic. [House buckles his belt and sits down.] Thomas: All those years you could have told me. I could have done things. That could have made a difference in the boy's life. Wilson: I think we should all just calm down. Thomas: Look at him sitting there — a pill-popping sociopath! If you wanted to screw up his life, you couldn't have done it better. House: He's got you there, mom. Blythe: He's one of the most well-respected doctors in the world. He's saved more lives than you can count. Now, you apologize to him, or I swear, you will never see me again, Thomas. Thomas: I can't deal with this anymore. He's my son? I'm having a bloody breath of fresh air, that's what I'm doing. [leaves] House: So, who's for dessert? [Dominika raises her hand tentatively.] [Cut to Will’s room. He’s yelling and throwing his head back and forth.] Will: Somebody help me! Uhh! Somebody— Adams: [entering] Will? It's Dr. Adams and Dr. Chase. We just need to know— Will: My eyes! My eyes! It feels like it's on fre! Chase: It's not Behcet's. It doesn't necrotize tissue like this. I think it's streptococcus pyogenes. Adams: Except we've already treated him with broad-spectrum antibiotics. It shouldn't be spreading. It should be dying. Chase: Just means it's drug-resistant. We need to remove what's left of his eyes before the gangrene sets in. [They reach the lab, where Taub and Park are running tests.] Adams: It's something that looks and acts like a bacteria but isn't one. Could be viral. Taub: No, it couldn't. No evidence of viral markers in the necrotized tissue. House: Let me see that image you took last night of the clot in his lung. [Taub turns a portable light box toward House and turns it on.] That's not a piece of the clot from his brain. That's the point of infection. Mucormycosis. He breathed in the spores, it's been growing and spreading ever since. Chase: A fungal infection spreading this fast? House: Kid's a diabetic. He already has a compromised immune system. Park: He's right. This sample from his eyes is crawling with it. House: Treat with amphotericin B. Adams: We treated him with gentamicin when we thought it was bacterial, which means the dose of amphotericin B we'll need to cure him will probably leave him deaf. House: Sorry, I stopped listening after you said "the dose we'll need to cure him." [Cut to Will’s room. Adams just told him the news.] Will: Blind and deaf? I'd rather be dad. Adams: You will be. Will: I can live with that. You never did get my humor. Adams: There's a chance your hearing won't be completely gone. Will: How much of a chance? Adams: A small one. But a chance. Will: I'm-I'm refusing treatment. You don't know how hard things are already for me. I can't handle any more. I can't. [Cut to House’s office. Thomas is waiting by the window when House enters.] Thomas: Oh, hi. I'm here to apologize. I could have handled the news with more… aplomb? I have a son. That's great news. House: What else did she tell you to say? Thomas: You're not a lunatic, you're not a mistake. House: I never liked your friend… my father. Thomas: Well, he could be a bit intense at times. House: But unlike you, I did respect him. Thomas: Do you respect your mother? [House pauses, then drops his head, refusing to make eye contact.] Well, we do have that in common. And we all love her. So we don't have much choice, do we? Son, see you at dinner. [leaves] Melissa: Will, it's me. Will: Let me guess. The doctor who thinks I'm an ass wants you to convince me to live. Melissa: Yes. Will: It won't work. Melissa: I know. So I won't. Will: Wow. You're that angry? Melissa: I've made enough decisions for you. This is your life. Will: Why'd you come back? Melissa: Because I love you. And I want to be with you for as long as I can. Will: Melissa, I'm so scared. [She moves from the doorway to his bedside and takes his hand.] Melissa: Me too. I'll always love you. Will: Even if I was deaf? Melissa: Even if anything. [Cut to Will’s room, the next morning.] Melissa: Is it working? Adams: He's still very ill, but if he keeps responding the way he has been, he should be fine. Melissa: And his hearing? Adams: It's gone. We don't know yet if it'll be permanent. [Melissa takes Will’s hand.] Melissa: Melissa? Is that you? Adams: We've been squeezing his hand, once for yes, twice for no. [Melissa squeezes Will’s hand.] Will: Can I ask you something? I completely understand if you squeeze no. Wh-will you marry me? [Her eyes widen. She takes both hands off his and steps back from the bed.] Don't leave me hanging, now. Melissa: Yes. Yes! Of course, yes! Will: I-I heard that. You said yes, right? Melissa: Yes! Will: You said ye... [Cut to Wilson’s office. He’s doing paperwork. House enters.] House: How long are you gonna wait until you tell me? Wilson: I thought we already had the Santa Claus talk. House: You don't think I saw you steal Thomas' fork from the restaurant? Wilson: Why would I do that? House: For his DNA. Wilson: That's… that's… [gives up trying to bluff] very observant of you. House: See, you're more me than you pretend. You had to know for sure. So you needed proof. The fact that you haven't told me can only mean… Wilson: He isn't your father either. I'm sorry. [Apparently birth marks do lie.] House: You know what that means. Wilson: Your mom's a slut. House: That… and… she's not as boring as I thought she was.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x14 - Love Is Blind"}	foreverdreaming
Airport loudspeaker: Attention, passengers… Joni: You have to lift up the sign so he can see it. Joni: Evan. Hayes: Hey, buddy. Aren't you excited to see your Uncle Brant? Evan: No. Hayes: No? I think you are. I think something else is making you upset. You know I'm leaving soon, and it's okay to be upset about that, but, hey, do you remember what I told you when we were watching wrestling on Saturday night? Evan: Yeah. That you and Uncle Brant are like the Reaper Brothers. Hayes: That's right. And Uncle Brant has been in the ring a whole year. Now it's time for daddy to tag in. But while I'm away, I need you in your Uncle's corner, making sure he keeps you and your mom safe. Can you help me with that? (Evan nods) Good. Now let's get ready with that sign. Airport loudspeaker: (in the background) Attention, ladies and gentlemen, we are now boarding at Gate 47. [They spot some soldiers coming in from the gate] Hayes: (to Evan) Now. (Evan holds up the sign) [As Brant comes down the escalator, it is now obvious that he is being escorted rather than accompanied, by the other soldiers. Two MPs hold on to each of Brant’s arms. Three other soldiers follow behind them. Hayes motions for Evan to put down the sign and steps forward toward the soldiers] Hayes: Brant, what happened? MP: Captain please step aside. Hayes: Sir, this is my brother. What's going on? MP: Pfc Macklin has been charged with treason. Hayes: Oh, so there's got to be some mistake. Brant: I'm sorry. [The soldiers move quickly away from Hayes. When they are about 20 ft. away, Brant collapses and appears to be having a seizure. Hayes runs toward his brother] Hayes: Brant! Brant! Brant! [Hayes is stopped by one of the MPs] OPENING CREDITS [Scene opens on a grainy video of men walking down a dirt street. It is a military video] Adams: Army apparently thought they were clearing an insurgent hideout. After this was leaked on Saturday, the A.P. investigated. [The men in the video do not look thrat. One is carrying a white cloth, another opens his arms as if in surrender or greeting. The camera now focuses on House (sitting) and the team (standing behind him), who are watching the video with grave looks on their faces. From the video the sound of gn can be heard] Adams: 34 civilian casualties. Six kids. Foreman: There will be MPs stationed at every entrance to the second floor, as well as outside his patient room. House: No. Don't do that. Every time there's people in uniform in the cafeteria, they get served first. Foreman: Make sure your IDs are clearly visible. I'll speak with the cafeteria staff about showing more disrespect. 20 year-old male, generalized tonic-clonic seizures. Army Docs scanned for structural abnormalities. EEG was normal. So was— House: Do you need me to sign for this? Foreman: Let me know if you need anything. Like a transfer. [Foreman leaves. The team members sit down around the table and all pick up their copies of the patient file, except for Chase, who already holds a copy and has been reading it throughout the viewing of the video] Chase: Typhus? House: Patient has no hair. Probably means no lice. Adams: Leishmaniasis. Park: No fever. Why couldn't they take care of him at a military hospital? House: I think because they wanted to annoy you. Any other conscientious objectors? Park: So, I'm the only one who has a problem when someone whose duty's to protect our country blwing— House: blwing the whistle is honorable precisely because it's not dutiful. Sorry, you said blwing. Maybe you were going somewhere else with that. Park: He's a coward. Adams: He risked his freedom. Park: He anonymously downloaded a computer file from a secure page and uploaded it to an unsecure page. Not exactly storming Omaha Beach. The EEG was normal because he was faking it to avoid going to prison. House: Let's treat him with not medicine. [House picks up Adams’ purse from the floor beside her chair. He reaches into it and takes out a disc of birth control pills] Adams: (reaching for the pills) Give those back. House: Why? You got 28. You can share. [Cut to the team walking down a hospital corridor] Adams: Something's going on with House. He just seemed off. Didn't even notice that I walked out of the room with this. (She holds up House’s red coffee mug) [They all pause for a moment at a corridor intersection] Chase: You began to suspect he was off when he didn't notice the mug you stole to see if he was off? What else didn't he notice that you don't want us to notice? Park: (pointing) Those are the same clothes you wore yesterday. Taub: And you got very defensive when House took your birth control. Chase: Who was he? Or better yet… she? Adams: Do I need to explain the physiology behind birth control? Attention deficit in a man who has no attention deficits has to be symptomatic of something. Taub: You're right. I'm thinking either massive brain tumor, or his soap got canceled and he's distracted. Adams: Could be dietary. Refsum. Park: Or maybe he thinks you just have more than one non-descript white blouse. Adams: Or serotonin syndrome. I'm not saying he's definitely sick. I'm just saying we should look into it. Chase: No, we shouldn't. If you believe House is sick, it's only because that's what he wants you to believe. [Chase and Taub head on down the hallway. Park turns down another hallway] Park: (to Adams) Let's go. [Cut to Adams and Park talking to Brant in his room. Hayes is sitting in a visitor chair] Adams: (pouring water from a pitcher into a glass) We think the long flight home allowed clots to form in your leg. [She hands the water and a pill (in a small cup) to Brant] Adams: Take this pill. (Brant swallows the pill) If you feel any numbness in your leg after a few minutes, it means we're right and you should get comfortable, because you're gonna be here for a while. Park: (to Brant) While we wait, can you tell me why? Brant: It was the right thing to do. Park: There are reports that insurgents are using your video to recruit new members. Brant: Making the voting public aware of what's really happening on the ground will help bring our troops home faster. (Hayes grunts) My brother's grunt means he disagrees. Hayes: I think you're being naive. And I know you took an oath. If you want to influence policy, run for office. Brant: Dad raised us to believe that exposing the truth is honorable. Hayes likes to follow the rules. Hayes: Yeah, because that's what Dad taught us was honorable. You were ten when he died. You couldn't possibly have any idea— Brant: if Dad always believed in blindly following the rules, how do you explain Tora Bora? (to Park and Adams) My dad was commanding a Special Forces unit. He lost communication with his men. They were assumed dad. He was ordered to abandon them and focus on the primary mission. He disobeyed that order, went and found his men still alive, and fighting. He saved their lives. Adams: Did he die in service? If it was something genetic, it could help us. Hayes: It won't help. It was a one-car accident. Brant: That's the army's official story. My brother's naïve on this and… I can't feel my leg. Adams: I'll get the discharge papers. Brant: I have a blood clot. Park: No, you don't. We gave you a placebo to see if you'd fake another symptom to delay going to prison. Hayes: Wait a second. He's not faking. Park: Because that's not the way your Dad raised him? Hayes: Yes. Brant: My stomach hurts too. What's going on? [Adams moves to the bed and opens Brant’s gown to reveal bruising on his stomach] Adams: He's not faking. [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House and the team are gathered around the table. House knocks back a container of wintergreen Tic Tacs] Chase: Just because he's got abdominal bruising doesn't mean he wasn't faking the numbness. Adams: He's not contesting the treason charges. If his code of honor is that strong, he's not gonna bother faking symptoms. House: (tossing the Tic Tacs onto the table) Pleading guilty is not honorable. It's just stupid. Adams: A distal esophageal rupture can lead to compartment syndrome in his thigh — explains both symptoms. Taub: No pain when he swallows. House: What is honor? Dying for your country? Getting straight As? klling your daughter because she had the audacity to get rped? Taub: Ruptured triple-A. Park: Doesn't explain the seizures. Chase: Pancreatitis. Gallstones obstructing his pancreatic duct. House: (getting up and going to the minifridge) People define honor as whatever makes them feel honorable. It's a circle going nowhere. Which I guess is what circles do. Taub: We'll ultrasound his belly and look for the obstruction. [Chase, Taub, and Park all leave. Adams stays behind] Adams: (holding out a paper to House) I need your signature on this order. The Army's leaning on Foreman to make sure this is done by the book. [House has taken a beverage out of the minifridge and if preparing to take a sip] House: Didn't need an order for his last treatment. Adams: This last treatment wasn't a treatment. House: Forge it. Adams: I will. From now on. But I need the original so I know what to forge. [Cut to Wilson in a Clinic exam room. The patient is middle-aged man. With him is his date] Gloria: We were having coffee when the dizziness started. Wilson: Business meeting? Mel: Date. Our first. We met at the 98 Cent store. Gloria: We were reaching for the same tube of cheese. [Wilson is looking inside Mel’s nose with a light scope] Wilson: Huh. [The exam room door opens and Adams peeks in] Adams: I'm sorry. Wilson: Yeah. Adams: I need to talk to you. Wilson: Just about done. Wilson: Good news, based on her thrifty shopping habits and taste for artificial dairy she's clearly not a gold digger. Bad news, based on his rhinotillexomania, he is. Compulsive addiction to nose-picking. A small cut on the inside of the left nostril led to an infection in the cavernous sinus. Gloria: It was very nice meeting you, Mel. (She heads for the exam room door) Mel: It's not true. Gloria, wait, I can change. [Mel follows Gloria out of the room. Adams closes the door and turns to Wilson] Adams: (holding up some papers as Wilson strips off his gloves) My PPTH contract. House signed it six months ago. He signed this today. (She holds up the treatment order House signed) [Wilson takes both the contract and the treatment order out of her hands and examines them] Adams: His hands are unsteady. Given his Vicodin abuse, I think he has hepatic encephalopathy. He's been forgetful, inattentive. Wilson: Dominika's been trying out new knish recipes. One of them didn't agree with him. A little sleep deprivation could account for his forgetfulness and inattention. He loads up on caffeine. That explains a jittery hand. Adams: Maybe. But if I'm right, his liver's in decline. It's curable, but if he doesn't get treatment, it could actually be fatal. Wilson: This happens all the time. One of the symptoms of working for House — you start seeing zebras everywhere. There's nothing wrong with him. [Wilson hands the papers back to Adams and she leaves, but Wilson does not look as unconcerned as he pretended to be] [Cut to Wilson opening the door of Clinic exam room #2. It is dark and House is lying on the exam table] Wilson: House. House: Shh. I'm with a patient. [Wilson flips on the lights to reveal a man asleep in a chair with his head on a table] House: Sleep study. Wilson: (picking up a pill bottle and reading the label) You drugged him? House: (looking at Wilson) I didn't say the study was voluntary. Wilson: (putting his hands on his hips) I think you're sick. House: What, 'cause I'm sleeping in the clinic like I always do? [Wilson tosses the pill bottle to House. It hits the exam table and falls to the floor] Wilson: Slow reaction time. House: Because I just woke up from sleeping in the clinic like I always do. [House supports his bad leg and starts to sit up] Wilson: You're forgetful. House: Sorry. What did you say? Wilson: You forgot that we were supposed to have lunch. House: I didn't forget. I was sleeping, in the clinic— Wilson: I'd like to run some tests. House: For what? Where's this coming from? Wilson: Hepatic encephalopathy. I've watched you destroy your body with Vicodin for years. I'm surprised your liver's lasted this long. I'll do the examination myself. House: While having you juggle my jewels sounds interesting, there's no such thing as friends with benefits. It always gets weird. [House lies back down on the exam table. Wilson turns out the lights and leaves, shutting the door behind him] [Cut to Brant’s hospital room. There are two MPs guarding the door. Chase and Park are preparing to do an ultrasound of Brant’s abdomen] Chase: Your friends out there are getting a little handsy. Brant: Get enough death thrat, eventually they start taking them seriously. Hayes: A convoy was ht outside of Kunar Province. Eight American soldiers were klled. Brant: Army spokesperson's claiming that it's revenge for the attck that I made public. Better me take the blame than them. Park: You don't think you're to blame at all? Brant: And you do. Like everyone else. A strike like that would take more than three days to plan. Hayes: So the next one might be your fault? Chase: Lateral view looks good. If you have such a negative opinion of the army, why did you enlist? Brant: I needed to find out what really happened to my dad. There were two redacted pages in his service record. Going into intelligence was the quickest way to up my security clearance. Chase: Then why would you leak that video? Brant: Part of my job was to grab a cup of tea with the locals. The face time is supposed to make them more likely to trust us with sensitive information, but they became my friends. If there was another attck, civilian casualties, and I had done nothing… Park: Your spleen, it's enlarged. We should do a biopsy and look for any— Chase: (looking at Brant’s catheter bag, which contains red urine) He's got urinary bleeding. Park: (who notices that he is bleeding at the IV site on his hand) Not just urinary. Chase: Call the blood bank. Hayes: What's happening to him? [Chase examines Brant’s face. Brant looks confused and out-of-it] Chase: His spleen must be sequestering platelets. [The monitors start beeping] Park: He's bleeding too fast to wait for a platelet infusion. Chase: We need to squeeze his spleen to release the ones he's got. Tell the O.R. we're on our way. [Cut to the O.R. Chase is operating on Brant. Taub and Adams are assisting] Taub: Pressure's dropping. Chase: Almost there. Taub: BP's 70 over 40, and he's hypovolemic. [Chase reaches inside Brant’s abdomen and squeezes his spleen. A computer generated graphic shows platelets being released from Brant’s spleen. A monitor beeps] Adams: Pressure's rising. Taub: And he's starting to clot. Chase: Good news is we can control the bleeding. Bad news is… Bleeding's not the problem. Unless spleens are supposed to be lumpy. [Cut to Adams talking over a combat video game being played by House and Taub in the diagnostics conference room. Chase, Park, and Adams are looking at test results] Adams: He's clotting, but CT confirms splenic nodules. Dr. Taub has an interesting theory. Taub: No, I don't. House: You're forfeiting? 'Cause if you can't play the game and work… Taub: Extramedullary hematopoiesis. Park: No history of anemia. House: She's right. You're an idiot. Try again. Taub: Where I come from, this is called cheating. House: Where's that? Stickford-upon-anus? Taub: TB. Chase: PPD's negative. Could be bru— House: Don't interrupt Dr. Taub. Taub: Brucellosis. (to House about the game they are playing) You just took out a family of four. House: They were clearly armed insurgents, and anyone who claims or proves otherwise is a traitor. No rash or back pain. Adams: You defend the patient for being a whistleblower, then attck him for being an honorable whistleblower. Now you defend him for being a maligned, honorable whistleblower? House: Adjectives matter. Hate nurses, love naughty nurses. Taub, pitch again. Taub: I've pitched like five— House: It's your turn. Taub: Lymphoma. Adams: If cancer caused his seizures, we would have seen cerebral masses on his head CT. Taub: (referring to the game) Yes! House: Taub, pitch again. Now. [Taub is having trouble concentrating on both the differential and the game at the same time] Taub: (talking fast) The nodules in his spleen were granulomas. He's got sarcoidosis! House: Someone tell him he's wrong. Chase: Sorry, House. Sarcoid does explain the seizures. Park: And the bruises. Taub: (loudly) Say bye-bye, House. [House’s game avatar gets blown up. The game is over, and Taub won] Taub: (jumping up jubilantly) Yes! Yes! House: (plopping down on the couch) Sarcoidosis it is. Treat with steroids. Then come right back here, 'cause I'm not gonna rest until I've made orphans of all your virtual children. [Cut to the team walking down a hospital corridor] Adams: House never loses. {They stop walking to talk] Taub: Seriously? Me beating House is medically significant? Park: It could be. Reduced fine motor control. Add that to inattention and liver flap. It does make sense. Adams: We have to talk to Foreman. Taub: No, we don't. First of all, because I can bat him in that game. And, second, even if you are right, there's no reason to believe that House's medical judgment is impaired. Adams: So we should wait until he kills someone for confirmation? Chase: You really think it's a coincidence that we're treating a whistleblower and now talking about blwing the whistle on House? You're right. Playing dumb, messy signature, losing a video game — it's way too complicated to fake. [Cut to Chase and Taub preparing to treat Brant with steroids. Hayes is also in the room] Brant: No. I won't take it. Taub: Without this injection, you could have a fatal arrhythmia. Brant: Tell Major Mathewson that I'm not taking any more treatment until they give me a live television interview. Hayes: You can't really think they'll agree to that. Brant: People need to know the tape's not the reason for that attck. They need to know why I did this. Taub: The people who think you're a traitor will still think you're a traitor, and the people who think you're a hero will still think you're a hero. Brant: The truth makes a difference. Hayes: If Dad were here, he'd be begging for you not to do this. Brant: If Dad were here, he'd be proud of me. [Cut to Major Mathewson leaving Foreman’s office. Hayes, Taub, and Chase wait outside. Foreman shakes his head as the Major leaves] Taub: The conspiracy theorists are gonna go nuts if the patient dies. Foreman: I told him that, and he told me that option is still less damaging than giving the kid a national platform. Hayes: So what do we do now? Taub: You explain to your brother that he overplayed his hand. Hayes: That won't make any difference. The idiot thinks he's doing the right thing. Chase: What if we convinced a court that his refusal is part of an underlying psychiatric disorder? They assign a conservator. We do what we want. Foreman: Fraud. Great. Chase: Narcissistic personality disorder. Both the leaking of the tape and the refusal of treatment indicate that he has no fear of consequences. Foreman: So instead of defrauding the court, you'll waste their time? No way a judge classifies a personality disorder as a mental illness. Taub: If a decorated military officer, who happened to be the patient's brother, corroborates, they might. Hayes: So you want me to sign a piece of paper that says my brother is crazy for doing what he thinks is right? Taub: I want you to save his life. His heart could go at any time. Hayes: He's a fool, but he's not crazy. Chase: The patient was refusing treatment because of honor, and his brother is refusing to be his conservator because of honor. [Taub approaches the group] House: Oh, good. Taub's cured the patient. Taub: I had to go to the bathroom. House: Bathroom's that way. You just ran in from that way. Taub: That one's been out of order for two days. I had to go up to the third floor. [House gets up and heads toward the out-of-order bathroom. The rest of the team follows along] Taub: I'm not lying. It's out of order. House: I believe you. I'm gonna fix it. Chase: We could treat if he doesn't know he's being treated. Lace his sponge bath? Park: It would take too long to reach his bloodstream. Adams: What if we aerosolize steroids and blast the room? House: Speaking of which… [House enters the men’s room, and the team tags along] House: It'd be too hard to get the prednisone concentrations right. No one fixes anything unless they have a compelling reason. [House enters the stall with the out-of-order sign on it] House: If we're gonna treat, we have to give him a compelling reason, something that he wants more than an interview. (loudly) fre in the hole! [Cut to Brant’s hospital room. Brant is holding paper file] Chase: A signed order from Major Mathewson. They've agreed to declassify the redacted pages from your father's service record. In two days, you'll have all your answers. Taub: But the only way you'll live long enough to get the truth is by accepting treatment. Brant: I don't trust the Army to follow through on this. Hayes: But you trust me. I'll make sure those pages get here. Brant: (handing the file to Hayes) Okay. (He allows Taub and Chase to treat him) [Cut to Chase and Taub leaving the room after treating Brant] Chase: Selfishness is apparently honorable now. He wanted to create change. Instead, he's just satisfying his own curiosity. Taub: He's getting the truth. Most he could hope for. I need to take a dump. Specifically, House's dump. Adams: You set this up? Taub: All it took was showing up two minutes late and a $2.00 sign. (He turns away from the microscope) Bile deposits are irregular. House's liver is failing. [Chase walks over and presses a key to bring the microscope view up on the computer monitor. They all look at it with grim faces] Chase: Cognitive impairment will get progressively worse. ** Taub: What's going on? Brant: My foot. It's klling me. [Taub pulls back the blanket and looks at Brant’s feet] Adams: It's completely cyanotic. This isn't sarcoidosis. [Cut to the Diagnostics conference room. House is sitting on the couch. All four members of the team stand in front of him] House: Cholesterol embolization. Park: Are you even gonna acknowledge what we just told you? House: That you pilfered my poo-poo? Yeah, I was thinking, it would be less awkward for all of us if we could just pretend that never happened. Adams: It's not an embolization. No instrumentation inside the arteries. House: Thank you for getting us back— Adams: And if we start you on treatment now, get you off Vicodin— House: What's the opposite of "thank you"? I'm pretty sure it ends in "you". I know my body. I'm fine. Methemoglobinemia. [House is eating Tic Tacs] Chase: Army tests for GPD deficiency. [House sits up and puts the Tic Tacs on the table in front of the couch. Chase sits down on the couch across from House] Chase: If you're not sick, then our test, accurate 99.5% of the time, yielded a false positive, three separate times. The odds of that are in 1 in 8 million. House: The test is accurate. The diagnosis isn't. Sample was obviously contaminated with other foods interacting with my liver enzymes. Now could we talk about the sick patient? Park: His clot dissolved. That could have caused the vasospasm. D.I.C. could have been caused by Bernard Soulier syndrome. And, you're sick, and, you have to do something about it. Adams: If we had a patient file with the same symptoms you're exhibiting… House: And the symptoms I'm not exhibiting? Jaundice, ascites, fetor hepaticus. Taub: We can't tell if your breath stinks because you've been popping mints like they're Vicodin. Chase: You'd still diagnose hepatic encephalopathy. I know that because four doctors you trained have unanimously diagnosed you with hepatic encephalopathy. House: Park's right. Treat the patient with Heparin. [The team leaves the conference room] [Cut to House’s team having an impromptu meeting in a hospital stairwell. Adams, Taub, and Park all have their hands raised as if responding to a vote. Chase has not yet been convinced] Adams: We'll have a stronger argument if we go to Foreman as a united front. Chase: We'll have a stronger argument if we have an argument. If House is sick, it's his business, not Foreman's. Taub: Foreman's business is to make sure his doctors are able to do their jobs, that lives aren't put at risk. Chase: Telling Foreman will put lives at risk. We tell Foreman, House either agrees to treatment or get suspended, which means House gets suspended. And considering House at 90% is better than any other doctor at this hospital at 100%, that means our patients get a lower standard of care. Park: House could be at 90%, he could be at 60%, we don't know. Chase: And until we do, there's no reason to do anything more than what we've done. House: Blurry vision… headache, a bit of nausea, and dizziness. I am com-pletely baffled. College Kid: I only had eight beers. hm* class pong tournament's in a week. I'm working on my tolerance. House: Hop on one foot and sing the iCarly theme song. Like you don't know it. [The young man hops down off the exam table and starts singing the song while hopping on one foot. House sits on the stool and watches him, occasionally mouthing the words as the patient sings] [The exam room door opens and Wilson peeks in. The patient continues to hop and sing as Wilson enters the room] House: Damn it, man. Can't you see I'm doctoring? House: If you want to talk to me, you can buy me a sandwich in an hour. Wilson: Or I could just hover here until you're done. [The patient stops as House sticks a tongue depressor in his mouth,] House: Heard enough. Just never could figure out the "breathe air" part. Next year, stick to whiskey. Or at least stay away from week-old green beers. A lot less likely to contain tartrazine-laced green food dyes for which you apparently have an intolerance. Once you break the seal, it'll be out of your system in 48 hours. [House and Wilson leave the exam room. The camera cuts to them leaving the clinic also. They talk as they walk down the corridor] House: What are my choices here? If I tell you I'm fine, you won't believe me. Wilson: I've scheduled a liver function test. House: If I ignore you, then you'll just ignore my ignoring. Which is rude, frankly. [House pushes the elevator button. The door opens] Wilson: Depending on the results, we'll customize a treatment plan. [Wilson follows House onto the elevator. House shakes a couple of Vicodin into his hand and dry swallows them] House: If I tell you I think I'm sick and I need your help and we need to set up a time to talk about it, you'll just assume I'm lying. Again, rude. Also hurtful. [The elevator reaches the floor where Brant’s room is, and they step out and walk toward the room] Wilson: Why is it that you can find the smallest thing wrong with anyone else, but when it comes to you… House: I really don't have a choice here, do I? Wilson: No, you don't. [They reach Brant’s room. House spreads his arms in preparation for a search by the MPs guarding Brant] House: (to the MP) I'm on the list. (referring to Wilson) But he's not. Wilson: You can't ignore me forever. House: Well, if you're right, that's not gonna be all that long. [The MPs perform the search] House: (to the MP who is searching him) Do it slow. [The MP opens the room door to let House enter. He walks to the far side of the room and sits in a visitor chair, putting his feet up on Brant’s bed] Brant: Who are you? House: Well, considering the only people allowed in this room are your doctors and your family… I'm your long-lost cousin Ralph. So glad to finally meet you. [House picks up a magazine from a side table and begins to read] Brant: Are you gonna check on me? House: It's gonna be at least two hours until we can tell if the Heparin's working. Brant: Then what are you doing here? House: You know, my father taught me that it's dishonorable to interrupt someone when they're reading. Brant: Honor's not a punch line. Get out of my room. House: So was it worth it? (He puts the magazine back on the table) Best case, you spend the rest of your life in Leavenworth. Worst case, you spend the rest of your life here. Brant: Justice for 34 deaths outweighs anything the Army can do to me. House: They got justice? Do they know that? What if only ten people had died? Four? Brant: Even one civilian death… House: What if they just maimed a few guys? Would that have been worth it? Brant: My job was to log that tape, get all the details in the official record. After the tenth time of watching it, I stopped trying to convince myself that the shovel could have been mistaken for a gn. 'Cause all I could see were the victims' faces. All I was doing was trying to read that kid's lips to make out his last words. I couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. Think I like the cue ball look? My hair turned gray in three days. My body was telling me I had to do whatever I could to make sure that something like this never happened again. House: Your hair turned gray in three days. [Cut to House working his way through the cafeteria line. The team is right behind him. He takes the lid off of a small drink cup, and as he talks, stuffs candy bars into the cup] House: Loss of hair color indicates an autoimmune condition, likely Grave's disease. Hyperthyroidism leads to a hypercoagulable state, which causes thrombosis. Start him on antithyroids. Adams: You want to reject our current diagnosis because he had a few gray hairs, panicked, and shaved his head? [House tries to stuff one more candy bar into the cup, but it does not fit, so he puts the last candy bar back, then puts the lid on the cup] House: I want to reject our current diagnosis because I think we're wrong. And treating for wrong diagnoses can result in side effects like death. Taub: Even if he did full go gray, stress seems way more likely than Grave's. House: I haven't read any journal articles proving that veterans have a higher incidence of depigmentation. Of course, that could be the hepatic encephalopathy talking. Chase: Our treatment for Bernard Soulier hasn't had time— House: So you all just want to ignore the new symptom? Adams: It's not Grave's because it's not a symptom at all. And the antithyroids you want could reduce his blood pressure and his ability to breathe. Which can result in side effects, like death. [House has arrived at the cashier station. He pretends to be sipping from the straw in the drink cup as he pays for his purchase] House: (to the cashier) Small soda. Grave's it is. Start him on antithyroids. [House walks away from the team, who stop to consider his latest treatment plan] Park: I know we disagree with House all the time, but, before, I could say, "okay, he's a genius." Now… maybe he's just really smart. Chase: We're not gonna give him the antithyroids. [Cut to Chase and Adams entering Brant’s room. Hayes is in the room with him] Chase: Feeling okay? Any better? Brant: Pretty good. Hayes: He did just ask me for a blanket. Adams: You're cold? Brant: A little. Chase: For how long? Brant: It's really nothing. Maybe an hour or two. [Adams takes Brant’s temperature] Adams: He's at 104. Chase: It's not Bernard Soulier. [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House (standing) is confronting the team, who are all sitting around the table] House: Bold move. You've gone from speculating I'm sick, to acting like I'm dad. Taub: We acted like we don't trust your judgment, because we don't trust your judgment. House: Why don't you start by not trusting your own. Adams: We did more blood work, it's not Graves either. [Foreman opens the door] Foreman: (to House) Talk to you for a minute? House: Anything you have to say to me, you can say to them. It's only fair. Cause anything they say to me, they also say to you. (to the team) Jiggle your pockets. Whose got the silver coins? Foreman: Until you receive a clean bill of health, I'll be authorizing all treatment orders. [They all look at House to see how he will respond] House: Well, I would say that that was an incredibly stupid mistake but apparently I'd have to clear that opinion through Foreman first. Adams: White count is high. So all the infections we ruled out when he came in are back on the table. Park: Legionnaire's. Chase: Unlikely without pneumonia. House: Taub. Loyalty issues in his personal life. Makes sense that they'd cross over into his professional one. Foreman: I was hoping we can get a diagnosis before the witch hunt. House: The patient's infection is an inherently less interesting puzzle than the sab wound to my back. Taub: Fine. I told Foreman. Can we move on now? What about dengue? Foreman: Patient isn't in enough pain. House: No. I don't mean about dengue. I have no idea. Taub's only confessing because he wants us to focus on the patient. Adams: I told Foreman. Chase: I did. House: The next person to confess is fired. Or Spartacus. Foreman: For clarification, no one's getting fired. Who else has a pitch? House: And then… there's Park. The only one who didn't confess. The same cowardice that makes someone unable to move out of mommy and daddy's home might also make someone a tattletale. Park: You thrat to fre the next person who— House: And it's malaria. Adams: No, it's not. The Army issues anti-malaria medication. House: And has done for ten years. That's the equivalent of 5000 generations of the Afghan mosquito, anopheles gambiae. That's plenty long enough to develop a resistance. Anopheles, by the way, is Greek for "useless." Foreman: Cover for intra-abdominal sepsis and treat with antimalarials. [The entire team leaves the conference room] House: (to Foreman) And was I also right that it was a stupid idea? [Cut to Brant’s room. Taub is holding a small pill cup. Park stands at the bottom of the bed, and Hayes sits in a chair beside the bed] Taub: We believe you have malaria. These pills— Brant: I don't want any medication. My dad's file should have been here. Hayes: Brant, I told you, I looked into it. There's just a delay. Brant: I believe that's what the Army's saying. I don't believe it's true. If they're not going to keep their end of the bargain, neither am I. [Cut to Taub and Park leaving Brant’s room] Park: So we got groped for nothing. If he doesn't want to stay alive— [Hayes calls out from behind them] Hayes: Hold on. Is it too late to become his conservator? I know what I said before. Right now I don't care. Taub: Of course not. We'll get the paperwork drawn up. [Cut to Taub sitting at the conference table drawing up the legal papers. Adams enters the room] Adams: He changed his mind? Why? Taub: (raising his hand in the air) His brother's dying. He needs a more substantial reason? Adams: His brother was dying the last time we asked him to be the conservator. So instead of pushing the issue with the Army to get the file, he just decided to give up on his code? Taub: Apparently. [Cut to Taub approaching Hayes outside Brant’s room. He is carrying a thick file] Hayes: So where do I sign? Taub: We don't need you to. The Army gave the file to you yesterday. Major Mathewson had another copy sent over to us. Hayes: Ah. You know, there's a reason I didn't want that file released. Taub: I know. I read it. I'm gonna treat my patient now. [Taub leaves Hayes and enters Brant’s room] Brant: I was right. Wasn't I? [Taub turns to Hayes who is standing in the doorway. Hayes walks slowly into the room, and taking the file from Taub approaches his brother’s bed] Brant: How did he die? What did they cover up? Hayes: They didn't cover up anything. I did. Dad died in that car accident because he was drunk. klled a pedestrian too. Brant: What are you— what— Hayes: He drank, Brant, a lot. You were too young to see it. I, uh, I had some of dad's buddies… take care of his files. It was the only time I ever broke the rules. I'm sorry. Taub: Can I begin treatment? [Brant nods] [Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House, Foreman, and the team are running a new differential] Taub: Fever hasn't broken. White count is still up. Renal function is declining. Foreman: So he has all the signs of malaria, except the antimalarials aren't curing him. [House, who is sitting in a one of the side chairs, leans down and picks up a large drink cup off of the floor] Adams: Gonorrhea? If it got into his heart… Chase: We did an echo. His valves look good. What about— (He interrupts himself as he observes House taking candy bars out of the large drink cup) you bastard. You were faking. (He puts his head in his hands, then looking up, explains to the team) Yesterday, House stole candy by putting it into a cup. The cup was too small, so his solution was to remove some of the candy. But the obviously logical thing was to just get a bigger cup, which he did today, because he's no longer faking. Taub: He couldn't have faked it. We tested your— House: I took St. John's Wort to alter the way my liver metabolized acetaminophen. Then some n-acetylcysteine just to finish it off. Foreman: You tortured them to t*rture me just to see who you could trust? House: I did it to save lives. God, I wish I could rationalize that one. Park: And now you're going to brilliantly deduce which one of us is the rat? House: What makes you think I haven't already? [They all look at House as the mention of a rat gives him his epiphany] House: To be continued. I need to brilliantly cure a patient. [He gets up and leaves the conference room] [Cut to Brant’s hospital room. House is sitting beside Brant’s bed. Hayes stands near the foot of the bed] House: No hair usually means no lice. What we didn't account for was that it wasn't your hair. Tea was not the only thing that your Afghani neighbors shared with you. I'm sure they were generous enough to let you sit on their furniture, which was infested with rat lice. You have typhus. Caused the vasculitis and explains all your other symptoms. But here's where it gets interesting. One of those symptoms, a lawyer might argue, was leaking the tape. There are psychiatric issues associated with typhus. If you change your mind, plead not guilty, you've got a case. Brant: I'd be undermining everything I've been trying to do. Hayes: You did what you thought you had to do. Going to jail proves nothing. Brant: It proves I still have my honor. House: You're not doing this for honor. You're doing this to please your father. And the pathetic thing is that the man you're trying to please never existed. [Cut to House entering Wilson’s office] House: Traitor. You've been avoiding me for two days. 'Cause, when I stranded you behind the barricades, you went straight to Foreman. Wilson: I've been avoiding you because you're an ass. House: I've been an ass my whole life, I can't get rid of you. Wilson: You can get rid of me now. Just turn and limp away. House: Huh. Your whiny righteousness has the stench of sincerity. Fine. I have to punish my whole team so that one of them will step forward. Wilson: Makes sense. House: (sighing) Damn. Now I'm gonna have to punish my whole team so that one of them will step forward. Wilson: You just said that. House: Yeah, but I meant it this time. First time I was just testing you. Either you were gonna genuinely confess or falsely confess or actually… [House pauses as he finally figures out which member of the team is the traitor] House: His name's li'l Chase. He's a rat. You're a rat. Get it? Taub confessed to telling Foreman to protect the patient. Adams confessed to protect Taub. But your confession was just piling on. There's no rational reason for you to have done it. Chase: And my punishment will be nothing. You wanted me to tell Foreman. Your ability to solve puzzles is the only thing that matters to you. And you're smart enough to know even you'll lose your edge at some point. You want to make sure someone's there when you do. House: If that were true, why are li'l Chase's li'l cousins scurrying through your apartment's floorboards right now?	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x15 - bl*wing the Whistle"}	foreverdreaming
Fans: Hatchet, Hatchet, Hatchet! P.A. Announcer: Come on, Toros. Let's make some noise! Bobby: Nice to meet the pride of Trois-Rivieres. I still got your Wings rookie card. Szabo: So what's that worth? Bobby: It's a collector's item. They don't make them like you anymore. Szabo: So do you wanna go? Bobby: [nods] Square up. Good luck. Linesman: He didn't get a hand on you? You're going to be a force in the show. Toros Fan: Whoo! Spartans Fan: Boo! Toros Fan: Come on, Toros! [In the center of the rink, Szabo has rolled over to his back. He looks around. Bobby, who is just about to enter the penalty box watches and coughs a couple of times. He coughs more deeply and drops to his knees on the ice. One more cough and there’s a blood on the ice. The next cough adds a few more drops as he lands with his face in a puddle of his own blood.] Linesman: Get a trainer over here! OPENING CREDITS [Cut to House playing table-top hockey by himself. The game is set up on the Diagnostics conference table.] House: Capacity crowd is on its feet. Five seconds on the clock. Ah. How is it possible for one man to be blessed with so much skill? Ahhh. [The imaginary crowd roars] [The team enters and sits down.] Taub: I had one just like this, except it was Bruins and the Habs. Where did you get it? House: [distributing copies of the patient file] Birthday present for someone in pediatric oncology. 22-year-old enforcer with hemoptysis. Adams: He's a hockey player? House: No, he's a superhero. Taub: He's coughing up blood because he probably broke a rib and punctured a lung while breaking someone else's rib and puncturing their lung in the name of sport. House: Nice conclusion to which the E.R. already jumped 18 hours ago. [he sh*t] Short man equals bullied child. Taub: I was average height as a kid and never bullied. Adams: Until now. X-ray ruled out traumatic sequelae, overt TB, and lung cancer. Chase: Sarcoidosis. Nodules could be too small to show up on an X-ray. Fighting's the best part of hockey. Without it, you've got the Ice Capades. Taub: Fighting has nothing to do with hockey. It's like the cheerleaders at a basketball game. Chase: Cheerleading's the best part of basketball. Without it you've got… basketball. Adams: He's a duck hunter. He could've contracted psittacosis from exposure to fowl. Taub: He had three teeth knocked out two weeks ago. Infection could've led to oral bleeding. Park: Not without continuing dental pain. Taub: Then he took an elbow to the gut, which caused an esophageal tear. House: Chase, CT the patient. Check for sarcoid. [He tosses Chase one of the hockey players from the game.] Adams, sputum cultures and serologies for psittacosis. Taub… I'd tell you why I think your theory is not just wrong but ill-conceived, but it's more fun to prove it by having you check the stool for blood. And while we wait for the stool fairy, I'm a man down, so you want to drop your pants and ht the ice. [Cut to Bobby’s room. Taub and Adams are interviewing Bobby.] Bobby: The faster you guys can do this, the better. The NHL's been sniffing around, and being in the hospital is not really helping my marketability. Adams: You have to be pretty good to get called up. Bobby: Yeah, leading the league in penalty minutes. Taub: And visits to the E.R., not counting the ones you've caused. Bobby: Not a hockey fan, I gather? Taub: I am. That's the point. Fighting cheapens a great sport. Bobby: Oh, come on, that's like saying passing cheapens football. It's part of the game. I don't cause injuries. Taub: They're self-inflicted? Bobby: No, I prevent them. I take the ht so the smaller guys don't have to. I thought you'd appreciate that. [Cut to Wilson’s office. House opens the door. The room is dark and Wilson is asleep on the sofa. He wakes up, squinting, as House turns on the light and closes the door.] House: Neighbor's baby again? Wilson: I could hear it through earplugs, two pillows, and three sleeping pills. House: Hmm. Wilson: [exasperated] What is wrong with you? House: I just said, "hmm." Wilson: You're trying to figure out some deeper significance to my having a couple of crappy nights. House: Which one of us is analyzing the word "hmm" here? Wilson: [waves House off] Fine. Sorry. House: Apology accepted. However… Wilson: Mm. House: It's not the crying that's keeping you awake. The sound of a needy child is stirring your paternal juices. Wilson: The sound of a needy child at 112 decibels has stirred my inner mrder. Don't mess with me. House: Explain the stains on your shirt. You're lactating. The fact that you're the only fruit on your family tree is getting to you. Wilson: It's not a big deal. So I'll probably never be a dad. It's–it sucks. I'll lose a little sleep, but— House: You're not supposed to feel bad when you dodge a bllet. It's like you got survivor's guilt. Wilson: There are actually things in this world that give life even more meaning than soap operas and monster trucks. And we happen to be missing out on at least one of them. [Wilson covers his eyes with his arm. House looks at him for a long moment, thinking about something.] House: Remember the falconer? Wilson: Beth? House: You dated two falconers? Yes, Beth. The night the two of you split up, you came around to my place, wallowing in self-pity and tequila. You passed out. She called that night, asked me to give you a message. She said she was pregnant… Which, God and Planned Parenthood willing, means you are the father of an 11-year-old. [Long pause as Wilson takes in this information.] I told you the next morning… hypothetically. I asked you how you'd feel if Beth had gotten pregnant, and you said, and I quote, "It would be the worst mistake of my life." Wilson: And… scene. Two performances Sunday, dark Mondays? House: Just as well. [House gets up and leaves. Despite saying that House was acting, Wilson looks like he’s considering the news.] [Cut to Bobby getting a CT. Chase and Park are monitoring him.] Park: I want to kll my mother. My Popo's on her own, and my mother always needs me to take care of her. Chase: Well, you could kll Popo instead. Park: I have to take her shopping, to her friends, to Atlantic City. I love her, but every night, every weekend… Chase: And only if there was some solution, someplace where you could live… that's not there. Park: My mom would freak. It would be the ultimate sign of disrespect. Chase: Okay. Then stay. And maybe you consider not bitching about it? Park: Not everyone's lucky enough to have your independence. Chase: Don't worry. When you lose your family, you'll have it too. Park: [looking at the screen] He doesn't have sarcoid. Chase: Look at that. Park: That's his spleen. Chase: I know. But he's gotten it supersized. [Cut to the team following House into his office.] Taub: Deep vein thrombosis caused by any one of his many injuries or surgeries. Park: Leukemia's a better fit. Taub: We have a guy who is punishing his body on a daily basis. Don't you think that's a more likely cause than cancer? Adams: No, because she doesn't have an agenda. House: [to Adams] Well, that was incredibly unprofessional. Well, it was really Taub's fault. [Taub stops smirking] If you're not prepared to slam her into the boards, she's got no reason not to go after you. Might I suggest pulling her jersey over her head first? Chase: We should get an ultrasound for DVT and WBC for leukemia. [House waves for them to do it.] [Cut to Bobby’s room. Taub is drawing blood.] Bobby: You think I could have cancer? Taub: More likely, it's just a DVT. [Bobby’s cell phone, which is on his bed, rings.] Bobby: This is my agent. I gotta get this, man. Give me some good news, Kenny. I thought you said any day. Okay. All right. [As Bobby talks, Taub notices something under his robe. He pulls the front open. Bobby has pronounced breasts. Bobby looks down and sees them.] I gotta go. [Cut to the balcony outside House and Wilson’s offices. It’s night. Wilson is looking into the distance. House comes out.] Wilson: I called Beth. I have an 11-year-old son. [END OF ACT ONE] [ACT TWO] [Cut to Diagnostics. House is at the table, with an open Macbook. The team enters.] Chase: Liver failure could alter hormone levels, cause abnormal breast development. Park: Alcoholism. We should search his home and locker room. House: Note that the person who wants to search the home didn't sleep in one last night. You have the imprint of a seatbelt buckle in your cheek. Park: I got in a fight with my mother. House: She ht you with a seatbelt? Chase: Could be hemochromatosis. Adams: Explains the liver and the spleen, but hemoptysis is a stretch. What about leptospirosis? Taub: That's a good fit, if you ignore the fact that he's a pro athlete who looks like the Incredible Hulk, which means he's gotta be on steroids, which is a better fit. House: All we really know for sure is it was his evil job that caused the problems. Taub: Yes, I don't like him. Doesn't mean my judgment's affected. House: Maybe. Let's take a look at the instant replay. [He turns the computer around and plays a video of Szabo checking Wallace.] This is the ht that precipitated Booby Orr's fight. Dirty or clean? [They all watch.] Taub: The ht was clean. Adams: Really? The guy released the puck at least a second before the ht. Taub: We have a difference of opinion. That's all. House: Absolutely. Maybe she's as biased as you. Or maybe the entire league is. [He hands Taub a document.] After review, the league disciplinary commissioner ruled the ht illegal and dangerous and suspended the player for three games. Adams and Taub, run antibody titers for lepto. Chase and Park, check out the home, the locker room for booze, steroids, and Taub's objectivity. [Cut to the Toros’ locker room. Chase and Park are inspecting the lockers, shelves, carrying bags, etc.] Chase: At least you're free. Going to get your own place? Park: If I can find a place I can afford, so… no. Chase: If you want, you can crash at my place in the spare bedroom. Park: That might be kind of weird. Chase: I live in an apartment, not a dungeon. Park: It's just two single people, opposite sex. I— Chase: Your bedroom door has a lock on the inside. [Park looks at an athletic cup she pulled from a bag. She quickly drops it.] Hey, if you prefer your car, be my guest. [Park unzips another bag and finds a drugstore bag.] Park: Scrip for glanciclovir. If his neighbor has mono, could mean he has mono. If he has mono, explains his spleen and hemoptysis. And it's caused by Epstein-Barr virus, which explains his liver. And my moonroof leaks. Thank you. [Apparently after a few months working for House, Park has learned how to accept a favor from someone.] [Cut to a toy store. House and Wilson are shopping.] House: Why don't we just assume that you're not the dad? [Wilson takes out his phone and shows House a picture. House studies it for a moment.] Either you're the dad, or she cheated on you with your dad. Wilson: Oh! Sand art. I used to love this. House: He's bitter, not mentlly handicapped. Who knows what Beth told him about you? At worst, you're a rpist. At best, you're a rpist. Wilson: Maybe she said I was a dad wr hero. House: Raised by a lunatic mother and abandoned by his father. Oh, I know! Squirrel handcuffs. You think he's gotten any of those? Wilson: If you really wanted me to do nothing with this information, then why did you give it to me? House: Because you were pining for a kid, and you deserved to know that you already had one. But your parental cravings are more theoretical than applied. You want vicarious immortality more than you want a lifelong burden. Wilson: You're assuming he's going to be a nightmare. What if he's a good kid? House: He's a kid. Best you can hope for is he's a nightmare. Wilson: House, I'm not naive. I realize that this thing could go very badly, but the point is my son wants to meet me. And I want to meet him. [He walks off.] [Cut to Chase’s apartment. He enters and drops his messenger bag by the door. He sees an elderly, Asian woman sitting on the couch, knitting. She watches him, soundlessly.] Chase: Popo, I presume. [Popo nods and keeps knitting. Park enters from the spare bedroom.] Park: Hey, uh, I let myself in. Um, this is— Chase: We've met. [quietly] I thought the whole point of this was to get away from Popo. Park: My dad's getting a cyst removed, and my mother had to take him to the clinic. Don't worry. She'll be gone in an hour. Chase: I'm not worried, because it's not my issue. [looks at Popo] She seems awfully quiet. Park: You haven't seen her drunk. [Cut to Bobby’s room. Taub enters and looks around. He doesn’t see anyone but hears someone crying. He looks on the far side of the bed. Bobby is there, sitting on the floor, crying quietly.] Taub: Bobby? * [Cut to Diagnostics the next morning. The team is doing a DDX. House enters and, ignoring them, goes to his office to drop his backpack and flip through his mail.] Taub: I found him crying in the fetal position. Park: It's not a new symptom. He's crying because his liver failure threw his hormones out of whack. Adams: Aside from the crying, he's actually recovering nicely. Taub: Aside from the guy in the book depository, the Kennedys had a lovely trip to Dallas. Repetitive blows to the head can cause chronic traumatic encephalopathy, symptoms of which are aggressive behavior and depression. House: So your theory is that his aggressive behavior caused his aggressive behavior. He's not depressed. He's just bummed because he knows he's a talentless moron who's only one lost fight away from being a barista. I understand that can get to a guy after a while. [He drops all the mail, unopened, into the trash.] Taub: If he quits being an enforcer, it could save his life. House: You don't want to save his life. [joining them] You want to kll his career. Park: I moved into Chase's apartment. [Chase looks up.] He knows. He was staring at our matching cups. I told you we should split up. We're not having sex. With each other… House: Yet. Park: Yes. Chase: [what???] Yes? Park: I just mean no one knows the future right now, so we don't really know… The only conclusive test for CTE is post-mortem. Taub: But an MRI of his brain could reveal white matter disintegrity, which is the effect of CTE. House: Why? Are you trying to sleep with her? 'Cause the simpler technique is just to ask. Chase: I was doing something nice. House: Mm, no. Th— mm. No, that doesn't fit. Adams: He's only had three concussions since he was ten. It's not enough to cause CTE. Chase: Three reported concussions. These guys are taught in high school how to dupe the tests. House: Guilt? Park: This is really insulting. Chase: It's not guilt. Park is a friend. House: So it's guilt. Chase convinced you to leave mommy, and now he feels responsible. No MRI. Do a psych eval. If he doesn't start weeping again, send him home. [Cut to a diner. Wilson is in a booth, looking out the window.] Duncan: Dr. Wilson? Wilson: Duncan. Uh, James. [They shake hands and Duncan sits opposite Wilson. Duncan is a thin, good-looking boy with lots of brown hair. He doesn’t have Wilson’s mile-high cheekbones but otherwise does look like him.] Duncan: Uh, n-n-nice to meet you. Wilson: It's nice to meet you. Um… How are you doing? Duncan: Good. Wilson: Good. I got you this. [He hands Duncan a book-shaped package with yellow wrapping paper.] Duncan: Oh. Thank you. Wilson: Go ahead. Duncan: Okay. [He unwraps Gamedeck, a computer game console.] Wilson: It's got three games built in, but you can download more from the website. Duncan: Yeah, I know. Wilson: You already have one. Duncan: I can always use a backup. Waitress: Hi, can I start you with something to drink? Duncan: Just water, please. Waitress: You got a Gamedeck? Way to go, Dad. Taub: According to your psych eval, the only thing happier than you is Disneyland. Bobby: I'm sorry you had to see me like that last night. I'm just upset about being in the hospital and… I'm on some weird meds, but they must be working, because I'm feeling a lot better now. Taub: Depression could be the symptom of a serious illness. CTE. Bobby: Yeah, my aunt sends me every article she can find on it. Taub: And you know it could kll you. Bobby: In the long run, like a lot of things. Taub: You might be right. And an MRI could confirm that. Bobby: I have enough evidence of head trauma in my file already, so… [Cut to the diner.] Duncan: My mom said you had trouble maintaining relationships with normal people. She also said you were a nice guy. I always figured she was lying 'cause she didn't want me to hate my deadbeat dad. Wilson: I didn't know— Duncan: I-I know… now. Wilson: You're a bright kid. Duncan: Thanks to you. Thanks to my mom, I'm also a big, soft-hearted wuss. Wilson: [laughs] I think you may have gotten that from both of us. Duncan: Uh, I gotta go, but it was really nice meeting you. Wilson: It was nice meeting you, Duncan. Duncan: Uh, you want to hang out again? Wilson: [laughs] Absolutely. Duncan: Tonight? Wilson: Tonight? Well, I-I-there's, um… [He looks at Duncan who is trying not to look like it’s important to him.] That would be great. Duncan: Okay. I'll text you. [He leaves.] [Cut to the MRI room. Chase is observing. Taub enters.] Taub: Thank you. How did you talk him into it? Chase: He agreed once I promised him anonymity. [hands Taub a file] Mr. and Mrs. Doe liked the name John apparently. Unfortunately we just wasted his time and proved House right. Taub: Nothing? [points to the screen] What about that? Chase: That's an artifact. Taub: That's a density. I know you think I'm convincing myself, but this brain has been hammered for years, meaning evidence may be subtle, but it's there. House: [voice] Meaning you see what you want to see. [Taub turns on another monitor. House is getting the MRI.] Unless, of course, Chase is an idiot, and I do have brain damage. [Taub’s and Chase’s beepers go off.] Chase: Patient's stroking out. [They leave.] House: Chase? Can you get me out of— Ohh… Hello? [House, on the monitor, tries to figure out how to get out of an MRI machine.] ** [Cut to Bobby’s room. House is moving his finger for Bobby to follow with his eyes.] House: The good news is, it's isolated ophthalmoplegia, which means you didn't have a stroke. [House replaces the eye patch.] Bad news is, Taub was right. You're still sick. [to Taub] I said "right," not "competent." Bursts your CTE bubble. You're going to need a whole new theory to keep Uncle Jesse and his Olsen twins on the bench. Taub: Can we discuss my incompetence somewhere else? Bobby: Dr. House. Could I talk to you for a minute? [Cut to Chase and Taub in the hall. After he talks to Bobby, House joins them.] Taub: Could be neurosyphilis. Chase: He's only 22. Taub: And he's been on the road since he was 14. House: So he was trash even before he was trash? You curious about what he wanted? Taub: I assume he wanted me off the case, and you told him I was ht in the head as a child, and your mother made you promise to take care of me. House: He was doing what he always does — sticking up for the little guy. He told me to apologize to you, or he would… excrete down my throat. I'm paraphrasing. [Taub looks puzzled.] So if he should ask, I was a gentleman, or I will excrete down your throat. Chase: Microscopic polyangiitis fits. Taub: We should start plasmapheresis immediately. Chase: We need to run an ANCA panel to confirm first. Putting him on plasmapheresis could make him bleed out. Taub: MPA can progress quickly. We may not have time before it reaches his lungs. House: I think you're right. Thus confirming my objectivity. Start the treatment. [House and Chase leave. Taub waves slightly to Bobby, then leaves.] [Cut to the cafeteria. House joins Wilson in a booth.] House: Miserable yet? Wilson: He’s polite, well-adjusted and a straight-A student. House: Which means he doesn't need you. So why don't you get out while the butterfly effect is still in the cocoon stage? Wilson: I'm making him dinner. House: You don't make an 11-year-old dinner. You give him a jar of peanut butter. Wilson: It'll be fine. I could give this kid a quinoa salad, and he would eat it just to be nice. House: 'Cause he's a gutless placater, just like his dad. Wilson: He's nice. House: This is a terrible idea. Wilson: Because we like each other? House: Yes. 'Cause of the statement "we like each other." You've known him 25 minutes. All you know about him is that he'd lie about a quinoa salad, whatever the hell that is. Wilson: You're jealous of an 11-year-old because you are an 11-year-old. [House stops chewing and opens his mouth wide to show Wilson the food inside.] [Cut to Wilson’s condo. Wilson and Duncan are making pizza.] Wilson: So tell me about yourself. I mean, you're smart, you're nice, but what else? Duncan: I don't know. I'm a kid. Wilson: Right. [Duncan looks at the toppings Wilson has laid out.] What are you looking for? Duncan: Nothing. Wilson: You want… peanut butter? Duncan: Do you have prosciutto? Wilson: You like prosciutto? Duncan: I'm weird. Wilson: No, no. I-I like it too. I've got some in the fridge. Duncan: How about goat cheese? Wilson: [chuckles happily] I love goat cheese. Wilson: I think that was the best pizza I ever had. [Wilson heads for the refrigerator. Duncan smiles.] [Cut to Wilson’s car.] Wilson: I think that was the best pizza I ever had. Duncan: It was the hint of Dijon. Wilson: Do you have any aunts or uncles or grandparents? Duncan: My mom got into some stupid fight with my grandfather. They all kind of cut us off. Wilson: Hmmph. Duncan: Are you talking to your parents? Wilson: Yes, and they're going to be very surprised and excited to meet you. Duncan: That's awesome. GPS Voice: You have arrived at your destination. Wilson: Well— Duncan: Thanks for the pizza. Wilson: Sure, sure. It was, uh— I mean, it was great to spend time with you and— [Duncan hugs Wilson.] Duncan: I love you, Dad. [Duncan gets out of the car. Wilson laughs a little to himself.] [Cut to Bobby’s room. Taub is monitoring him and bonding.] Taub: Can't be easy doing what you do. I mean, do you love it? Is it fun? I had my own plastic surgery practice making lots of money, but I wasn't happy. It wasn't what I went to med school for. Bobby: [long pause] Every winter my dad would flood the backyard and made a rink. I was Lemieux. My little brother was Gretzky. I was good. I won the NDHA scoring title three years in a row. I kept getting bigger and stronger and better… ’til I didn't. My Juniors coach told me that, if I wanted to stay on the team, then I'd have to use my size. Every game, I got less and less ice time until it was all fighting and no hockey. I, uh… [looks around] There's something going on with my arms. I can't feel them. I— Doctor, I can't feel my arms. [END OF ACT FOUR] [ACT FIVE] [Cut to Diagnostics the next morning. The team is doing a DDX. House enters. He swings his backpack to get some momentum going and tosses it behind him, into his office.] Taub: Patient's arms are now paralyzed. ANCA panel was negative. It's not MPA. Adams: Lyme disease could cause paralysis. If he was hunting, he'd be exposed to ticks. House: No target rash or cardiac involvement. [to Chase] Roomies with benefits keeping you up? Chase: Cribbage. I played with Park's Popo. House: Is that two separate events? Chase: Grandmother. ALS could explain the symptoms. Park: Sensory involvement rules out ALS. House: Okay, yeah. Now this is interesting. We'll get back to the patient in a second. Your issue is the same as Wilson's, except… you're haunted by the pitter-patter of tiny skanks. You don't feel guilty about getting Park thrown out of her home. You feel guilty about all the women that you've screwed over. My mother needs 1,000 bucks for snow tires. Chase: Park's a friend. Popo's fun. Taub: Paralysis has gone from his face to his arms, meaning it's descending, which is the hallmark of botulism. House: So it was something he ate. How innocuous. You've overcome your bias by reversing it. The only problem is that being in love with a patient is just as judgmental as being in hate. We didn't find any contaminated— Taub: No contaminated food. I'm not an idiot. But what if it's not from ingesting but from injecting? He was treated for intractable muscle spasms by the team's trainers. Sometimes they use botox. Adams: We need to start the antitoxin— Taub: The antitoxin could cause anaphylaxis. We need to test first to confirm. House: As if to prove my point, last time you said there wasn't enough time to test prior to a more dangerous treatment. Taub: It's a different situation, different symptom, different diagnosis. House: Different emotion. Give him the antitoxin. [He leaves. Taub lifts his hands in a “what the…” “I give up” gesture.] [Cut to Bobby’s room. Taub is there. Park enters.] Park: Anything? Taub: No adverse effects. [Park rolls a stool over and sits down.] Park: Chase let me move in with him to get away from my grandmother. Then he practically let my grandmother move in with the both of us. He's being way more than nice. Taub: Then which answer is it? Chase feels guilty for pushing you to move out? Park: He didn't push me. Taub: Guilt about skanks. Park: He loves skanks. Taub: It's not the other option. Park: There are people that like me. People even want to sleep with me. Some of them are even good-looking. Taub: That good-looking? [Park tries to answer but no words come out. Bobby’s forefinger moves.] Did you see that? [to Bobby] You're feeling something? Bobby: [who has been awake through this entire conversation] Yeah. [Cut to House and Wilson in the elevator.] Wilson: I could give you crap for making me wait 11 years, but instead I'm going to thank you for not making me wait another 11. House: Every little girl wants a pony till they have to clean up after it. Wilson: You think I'm going to quit on this? On an 11-year-old? House: The only relationship you haven't quit on has been with me. Wilson: Hmm. A needy, truculent narcissist. I think it's been perfect training for parenthood. House: [stares at him, serious] That's not even close. This is the rest of your life. You screw this up, you don't get to run away. You get to ruin both your lives. This is a bigger responsibility than any you've ever taken on and screwed up. Wilson: I know. That's why I'm so excited about it. [Cut to Bobby’s room. Taub has moved the table-top hockey game there. He and Bobby are playing.] Bobby: You're really happier doing this than looking at boobs all day? Taub: Luckily I get patients like you every now and again who let me reexperience the joy. Bobby: You know, the best part of my day is when I'm sitting in that penalty box after I bat someone up. That's the only time I know I'm safe. Think Lemieux ever felt that way? I'm not going back. Taub: To hockey? Bobby: To enforcing… whatever that costs. Taub: Good for you. [he sh*t] Ooh! First goal for the pocket rocket. Bobby? [Bobby is holding his chest and having trouble breathing.] We need a team in here! [END OF ACT FIVE] [ACT SIX] [Cut to Diagnostics. House enters.] Taub: He's completely paralyzed, and he tested negative for botulism. House: I am now accepting long shts. Adams: Polio. Some kids were never vaccinated. Taub: Unless they played sports all their lives and had two physicals a year. Park: How about MLD? Taub: That's a bad fit. I say that not because there's no treatment for MLD but because it's a bad fit. His cognitive abilities are unaffected. Chase: Prion disease could explain the waxing and waning symptoms. Taub: The test for Prions is a brain biopsy. Given his history, there's got to be brain swelling. We can't risk drilling into his skull. House: Pretty sure we can. Taub: We also could keep talking until we can find an answer we all can agree on. House: All of us? Those who love him, those who hate him, those who don't give a crap about him or you— Taub: Or I could just discuss it on my own with Foreman. House: He's not your friend. Taub: I get it. He's a patient. I'm not— House: He never had your back. He didn't insist that I apologize to you. He asked me to take you off the case. [Taub takes in this information.] Biopsy his brain. [Cut to the diner. Duncan joins Wilson at the counter.] Duncan: Hey, Dad. Wilson: Hey. Duncan: Sorry I'm late. Got in a fight with my mom. She's such a tool. Wilson: I'm sure she means well. Duncan: She wants to open a reserve in Costa Rica for rescued birds of prey. Wilson: But how serious is she? From my recollection, she used to talk about doing a lot— Duncan: Yeah, but she bought plane tickets for Monday. Wilson: [after a couple of false starts] Well, Costa Rica is beautiful. And the schools are supposed to be great. Duncan: Oh, I'm not going. It's her stupid dream, not mine. Wilson: Then what will you do? Duncan: Uh… I-I thought maybe I could, uh… Maybe I could stay with you? Uh, y-your place is only 3 miles away from my school. I could bus it every day. [Wilson starts shaking his head slightly.] And I do my own laundry. I keep my room tidy. Wilson: Duncan, th-this-this is very sudden. Duncan: I know. I'm sorry. [pause] Please don't send me to the jungle. [Wilson stops shaking his head and sits up a little straighter.] Wilson: If it's okay with your mother, it's okay with me. [Duncan grabs him in a hug.] [Cut to House’s office.] Taub: Take me off the case. I've obviously completely lost my objectivity. I'm not helping, I'm not even neutral. House: Agreed. So why shouldn't I take you off all my cases? Taub: Because you were right. I hate bullies. House: You work for me. Taub: You're not a bully. House: Pretty sure I am, dickwad. Taub: I've known a lot of bullies — people who didn't like me because I'm short, people who didn't like me because I'm Jewish— House: Yeah, I get it. There's a long list of reasons not to like you. Taub: You relentlessly mock, but it's not for self-aggrandizement. It's because ideas are bigger than feelings. At least that's what I choose to believe. I also thought you had the side effect of desensitizing me. [He starts to leave.] House: You little Hebe. Here's some ideas for you. You screwed up. You kept on screwing up. Everything you said is true, except… it doesn't mean you walk away. You just learn to trust nothing. Everything you think you feel, everything you think you know. Question every call, play through every whistle. [Taub almost turns toward the door again when he gets a “eureka” expression.] Taub: I just had a light bulb. Maybe. House: You can trust light bulbs. [Cut to the OR. Taub rushes in, followed by House.] Taub: Stop. It's not prions. Epstein-Barr gave him mono. It also gave him Miller Fisher syndrome. The plasmapheresis played through the whistle. We gave it to him for MPA, but when he got worse, we took him off. When he got better, we thought it was the antitoxin. But it was actually the plasmapheresis still working. We had the right treatment, just the wrong diagnosis. House: It was my metaphor that solved the case. Put him back on plasmapheresis. He'll be fine. Nice save. Didn't quite make up for being a sieve the rest of the game. [House leaves. Chase starts to remove the cage holding Bobby’s head in place for the biopsy.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. He’s lying in the dark again. House enters and flips on the light.] House: Ex-girlfriend's baby again? Wilson: His mother is moving to Costa Rica. He asked if he could move in with me. [mirthless chuckle] And I said yes. House: Well, it's only six or seven years. Unless he can't get into college, in which case, it's more a matter of your life expectancy. Wilson: I said yes, knowing I'm not remotely ready for that, knowing he's not ready to be separated from his mother. This isn't the act of a mature, rational adult. I-I can't do this, House. You were right. House: I have an idea… that can make this entire problem go away. Wilson: Yes, I really want to hear your clever late-term abortion joke. You were right about everything. This is life. It's real. It doesn't just go away. House: None of that is true. [He opens the door and jerks his head in a “come here” gestures. Duncan, who is on a bench in the hall, come in. He’s holding an 9x12 manila envelope.] Duncan: Hey. Wilson: Duncan. Duncan: Actually… Wendel. [He opens the envelope and pulls out a headshot with his credits printed on the back of the photo.] One "l." If you're going to get pissy, remember, it was House's idea. Wilson: You're an actor? Duncan: [proudly] Five commercials and a recurring on Days of Our Lives. House: You were regretting not having kids, so I gave you one… thereby rendering you regret-free. It's a priceless gift. Wilson: Get out. House: Well, it's not priceless 'cause he charges SAG minimum. Wilson: [very angry] Get out! Duncan: Chillax, Dad. House: Can you do an Australian accent? [House and Duncan leave. Wilson, still staring at the picture, sinks onto his couch. He flips the photo toward the table and sits there, thinking. He chuckles softly.] [Cut to Bobby’s room. Bobby: I just got the call. Three-year deal. $2.1 million. [Taub looks impressed but…] Taub: What about the flooded backyard and pretending to be Lemieux? Bobby: That's why I took it. After all I did to get here, half a dream is better than nothing. Maybe my new coach will see what my Juniors coach didn't. Taub: That'd be nice. [Cut to Chase and Park in the elevator. He’s looking at the door, she’s looking at him.] Park: [after a pause] I'm not sleeping with you. Chase: That's a shame. Park: [realizing something] This is about Popo. Chase: She's not sleeping with me either, right? Park: You were jealous of me. My family. Chase: [confessing] Maybe you've got too much, and I've got too little. [They get off the elevator and head for home.] Park: I might sleep with you after all. [Montage to Lee Dorsey's Everything I Do Gonh Be Funky] [Chase and Popo play cribbage. She is smiling. He takes a sip from his drink. She picks up her glass and they clink glasses.] ♪♫ Everything I do gon' be funky ♪♫ From now on ♪♫ Yeah [The front door of a house opens. Park is on the doorstep. Her mother, who opened the door, steps back to let Park come back home.] Wilson: The woman that I called — that was really Beth? House: Found her on Facebook. Wilson: How much did she charge? House: Nothing. She's still pissed at you. House: Pass the bacon. Wilson: I thought you liked prosciutto. House: Nobody likes prosciutto.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x16 - Gut Check"}	foreverdreaming
Molly: Now, the first couple of shts will show you if the sights are off or the barrel's bent. Carny : Let me make this real easy for you. The sights are off and the barrel's bent. Molly : Mm, you're off to the left about an inch. That's it. sht around the star. Not at it. Henry: Yes! Molly: Yeah! You did it! Henry: I didn't. Carny: You just won your girlfriend a teddy bear. [He points at a huge bear.] Henry (beaming and turning to Molly): Cool! Hey, which one you think she'd like best? Henry: And then Thursday night, this physicist is giving a lecture in Brooklyn. It's about time travel and the grandfather paradox. I don't know if you're busy… Molly (stopping them both): Okay, Henry. Henry… um… can we talk for a second? Henry: Yeah. Molly: I'm really happy that we've been hanging out so much. Henry: Yeah, I-I like you too. Heh. Molly: Can you put down the bear? [He does so.] Henry… Henry: What? [She looks at him silently, as if she wants to do or say something but can’t. Henry seems to get it.] I can't. Molly: I know. You have a girlfriend. It's just… she never seems… to want to do anything with you. Are you crying? Henry: No, I have allergies. I must just be, like, tearing up. [He wipes a tear away with a finger but something is actually wrong.] Molly: Henry, I think that's blood. Henry: What? I-it… Molly: Oh! OPENING CREDITS [House and his team are in the diagnostics room, sitting at the table. They are all staring at the corner of the room where the coffee machine is. We can’t see what’s going on but only hear that someone is probably using it.] House: 35-year-old male cries blood, and he's not vampire Bill. Go! Park: Should we ask? Chase: Nope! House: What, her? [A red-haired voluptuous woman holds a cup and walks to House to give it to him.] House: Yeah, my favorite companion is retiring from "companning." So I'm interviewing replacements. Thank you… Butterscotch. Is that a family name? [She stands beside him and waits. In the hallway, there is a lineup of similar women waiting.] Adams: How long are you gonna be using the office for sex games? Just so I can plan my day. House: Sex and work? I'm not a savage. I asked for a cappuccino. Butterscotch: That's what this is. House: No, cappuccinos got a nice, stiff foam on it. This is wetter than… oh… almost slipped there. Well, thank you, Ms. Scotch, but poor foaming's a deal breaker. Could you ask the next candidate to come in? Taub: Initial exam showed no sign of trauma or subconjunctival hemorrhage. Park: Lymphocytosis? ALC's in normal range, but it's in the high end of normal. House: Take a seat, Fawn. And tell me, what's your favorite Woody Allen movie? [The team stares at House and the woman.] Fawn: Annie Hall. Chase: You're interviewing hookers but not gonna talk to them about sex? House: Sex is a given. They're hookers. [He takes notes.] Defend your choice. Fawn: It's the most popular. House (disappointed): Ohh… that's so close. We would have accepted, "Diane Keaton looks great in suits," or, "it's a trenchant commentary on today's mores," or, "I needed the eggs." Thanks for your interest. [She gets up and leaves.] To get the gig, call girl — sorry, call woman — needs a combination of skills that I find useful/entertaining for the remaining 57 minutes of the hour I paid for. [Another woman enters and sits down.] Taub: Lymphocytosis works. Maybe we should take another look at the blood. Adams: Could also be cavernous sinus thrombosis. Clot builds up pressure at the base of the brain. House: Rerun the patient's blood panel and get a CT venogram of his head. Let's see which one of you is right. [The team leaves and House turns to the next applicant.] How are you with small appliance repair? [Cut to the patient’s room. Chase is there with Henry and Molly; Adams is wheeling another bed in.] Molly: Uh, this cavernous sinus thing, is it dangerous? Chase: If Henry's got it, we can treat it with a combo of drugs and surgery. Success rate is over 70%. Molly (to Henry): Do you want me to call Amy again? Henry (somehow embarrassed): No, it's fine. Molly: Amy's his girlfriend. I'm the neighbor. I did leave a message at their number. Adams: Do you wanna try her cell? Be here for a few more hours at least. [Henry sits on the new bed and they get him ready to leave the room.] Henry: Oh, she doesn't have one. She worries about radiation. Molly: I could stop by on my way home. She knows who I am, right? Henry: You don't need to, but thanks. Molly: Good luck. [Adams and Chase push him out of the room.] Henry: Okay. [Cut to the pathology lab where Taub and Park are checking Henry’s blood.] Park: Have you ever paid for sex? Taub: Every guy who's ever seen a Merchant Ivory movie has paid for sex. [Turning to her] No. It just… seems too demeaning to women. Park: Given the things you've done to women, that seems arbitrary. [A young man entering stops them both; he is wearing a lab coat.] Young man: You're Chi Park, right? Park: Who's asking? Young man: Uh, you called about my guitar flyer. Park: You're Micah. This guy's selling a 1974 Gibson SG standard in tobacco for $1,250. Micah: Yeah, actually, I came in to tell you I already sold it. Sorry. Park: Oh, um… thanks anyway. [He nods and leaves the lab.] Taub (Looking through the microscope): Blood panel results seem pretty much the same as before, and that guy likes you. Park: Maybe we should check for diabetes. Could weaken conjunctival vessels. And shut up. Taub: If I'm wrong then why is he coming back? Micah: My band is rehearsing tomorrow night. You should come by and jam with us. Park (embarrassed): That… sounds fun. I'll think about it. Micah: Great. Call me. Taub (singing with a child’s voice: Park has a boyfriend. Park: I'll break your face. [Cut to House’s office. Adams comes in; the last hooker we saw during the first round of interviews is now juggling with three big yellow balls. Another woman is sitting in House’s chair and House is in front of her on the other side of the desk, watching her doing card tricks.] House: This is the talent portion of the interview. Adams: Okay. You like cards. But you can juggle. I fail to see how this would be of benefit to you. House: What if I'm busy? [He turns to the hooker behind him.] Have you got anything else? Cindy (the one juggling): Sure. [She bends down and starts walking on her hands and doing some sort of splits at the same time.] Adams: CT showed no clots or malformations. Park and Taub ruled out lymphocytosis and diabetes. House: Well, since you have nothing of relevance to report, I assume that you're here to toss your panties in the ring. Adams: Patient's got a mysterious girlfriend he really wants to see. She's unreachable by phone, and the neighbor's never even seen her. House (to the hooker playing with the cards): What do you think? Debbie: He's gay. Adams: I think he's a junkie. The girlfriend is a fix. The guy's inhaling glue. House: Can you repair a blender? Adams: Can you bite me? Go search the patient's home. Well, thank you, ladies. I've seen a lot of very talented candidates. Got a tough decision the next few days. [He grabs a file with the “resumes” and puts it in his bag pack.] This is the part I hate. [He leaves his office.] Chase: Well… this is not exactly a crack den. Adams: Doesn't exactly look like a woman lives here, either. [Chase spots a bunch of roses with a card.] Chase: "To Amy. I love you." Adams: Okay. She exists. Doesn't mean he's not a drug addict. [Thy start looking around, Chase in the kitchen area and Adams by the living-room.] Chase: It's good you're playing it cool with House. Once he gets a rise out of someone… Adams: Yeah, I'm not crazy about the whole hooker thing, but I get it. Other than the fact that it's exploitative and dangerous for women, you get what you need without any of the emotional baggage. Chase: You're not seeing anyone I take it. Adams: I've been volunteering at the Trenton Free Clinic. Keeps me busy. [While Adams is looking in drawers, Chase looks in the fridge, then inspects a tea pot (it is shaped kind of like Aladdin’s magic lamp!).] Chase: You volunteer every night and every weekend? No time to grab dinner? Adams: What's more important — making small talk over ravioli or helping people who are less fortunate? Chase: With that rationale, none of us should ever eat again. Adams: Let's just say I'm not hungry right now. [Adams opens the door to the bedroom and spots something…] Adams: Oh, God… [They both get closer; a woman is laid down, she is not moving.] Adams: I don't think she's breathing. Do you think she OD'd? Chase: That or he klled her. Pulse? [Adams leans over the body and puts her hand on the woman’s neck to check.] Adams: No. Chase: I'll call the coroner. Adams: I don't think that's gonna be necessary. [Cut to House’s apartment where a soft piano music is playing in the background. House and Dominika are sitting on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table; they are going through files of “resumes” of hookers and pictures of them in their underwear. Dominika hands one of them to House to check it out. House is wearing his reading glasses.] Dominika: This one works in financial district. She can get tips, give you leg up in market. What is "fudgey Gonzalez"? House: Uh, imagine a "vanilla Gonzalez," but from the other side. [She smiles, as she understands. House’s cellphone rings, he picks it up from the coffee table and answers it.] House: I'm about to make a decision, but there's still time for you to sneak under the wire. Adams: My favorite Woody Allen movie is Melinda and Melinda. [House makes a face.] Our patient is not a junkie, but he does have a girlfriend. [Back with Chase and Adams, on the phone, in Henry’s bedroom. The “girlfriend” is now sitting on the bed: it is a plastic doll!] [Cut to Henry’s room, Chase and Adams are getting explanations from Henry. The plastic girlfriend is sitting in the chair next to Henry’s bed.] Henry: I call her my "girlfriend" because people understand that. If I explained it, they'd just think I was a weirdo. Chase: We're not here to judge anyone's fetish. Henry: I'm not a pervert. It's not like I'm more attracted to dolls than humans. Chase: So you don't have sex with her? Henry: It's not just about that. Adams: Does the doll talk to you? Henry: I know she's not a real person. In a lot of ways, she's better than a person. I can tell her things, and she won't argue with me or make fun of me. I come home every night, and I know she'll be there waiting. Adams: So is your toaster. Henry: No one in the world has an emotional attachment to a toaster. But a lot of people are willing to spend $7,000 on women like Amy. Chase: Have you ever tried an actual— Henry: Yeah, I'm 35. I've been in relationships. Just none of them fulfilled me. And one day, I saw this website, and… maybe the perfect woman's out there somewhere, but it's not worth going through what it would take to find her. Amy makes me happy. [As he talks, Henry is getting more and more red. Chase approaches him.] Chase: You're swelling. Henry: It's sort of hot in here. Chase (touching Henry’s forehead): Not that hot. [Cut to the diagnostics room, the team is sitting at the table; House is standing by the window, looking at the hallway.] Adams: Bleeding plus two new symptoms. Fever and neurological. Chase: I'm not sure about that last one. I think he's just… weird. He wasn't hallucinating. He didn't have a thought disorder. Park: And you don't think it's "disordered" to talk to— Chase: It's not all that different from talking to your cat or a Teddy bear. Adams: You don't have sex with your cat or Teddy bear. House: If you did, you'd probably talk to them more. Guy loves an imaginary being who's never going to respond to him. He's no crazier than millions of churchgoers. Adams: You think anything off about any patient is a symptom. This guy buys flowers. Real flowers for a piece of plastic in a dress. House (walking around the office and stopping at the end of the table): You know what's really crazy? Living with a human being. Someone with opinions and feelings. Gets mad just 'cause you want to take Salsa classes with them one night a week. [pissed] One night. Taub: He's just running away. He hangs out with a doll, he never needs to fear rejection. Park: It's sad. House: You do understand the irony here? Every person in this room has a sex doll. At least the patient has the stones to be honest about it. Taub: Ooh, a metaphor. What you didn't foresee is that is that I actually do have a sex doll. House: Your doll is your kids. Yours is your parents, yours is your charity. All excuses for not being in a relationship. Chase: He's not wrong. House (pointing at Chase): And you— Chase: I have meaningless sex with random strangers. Thanks for the insight, but I stopped that months ago. I actually had a relationship. House (sitting down): With a patient. You just date whoever happens to cross your path. Chase: My dating is getting in the way of my dating? House: You don't go looking for the right person. You just shack up with whoever's in the room, and then you get surprised and/or divorced when it doesn't work out. I'm surprised you haven't asked Adams out yet. Park (clearing her throat): Uh, for your information, I've got a date tonight. I'll be jamming with a cute guy and his band. House: You'll bail. Taub: He's right. The obvious solution is for me to hand my kids over to your parents. House: Can we stop trying to argue the premise and move onto figuring out why it is that you're all social morons? Taub: You do understand the irony here. You mocking us for avoiding relationships, but you can't handle losing your "doll." You’re spending all this time and energy interviewing for a new one. House: You're right. That is stupid. [He gets up to leave.] Adams: What about the patient? House: Dude's banging a sex doll. A festering cesspool of bodily fluids and associated bacteria. Swab her out and find out which one. [He leaves the office.] [Cut to the cafeteria. House is sitting in a booth with Emily, the hooker who wants to “leave” him.] House: I need you. Please don't quit. You're the only hooker I know who can tune a piano. If it's about the money, then I can up you to three nights a week. Emily: I'm getting married, House. His name's Harris. [House seems a bit shocked. She holds up her cell phone to show him a picture of her with a Black man, both holding glasses of champagne.] He's a certified accountant, he loves schlocky horror movies, and he just moved in. We're very happy. House (looking at the picture closer): Well, you're happy, yeah! You're happy because he doesn't know about your employment history. Emily: He knows. We've talked about it, and he accepts me for who I am. House: No. He… If he accepted who you were, he would not be making you give up your career. Women need their own identities, their own livelihoods. Otherwise, why was I smoking all those Virginia Slims? Emily: I know this is weird for you, but you need to figure out a way to be okay with it. I'll miss you, too. [House seems really upset. Emily gets up, gives him a kiss on the corner of the mouth and leaves.] [Cut to the procedure room, Chase and Adams prepped Amy for her swab (as if she was a real woman!).] Chase: I feel like the stirrups are overkill. Adams: I've never done a pelvic on a doll before. I'm unfamiliar with the protocol. [She sits down in front of the doll’s legs and looks a bit stunned.] I'm pretty skeeved out right now. I'm not gonna lie. Chase: What House said back there— Adams (doing the swab): House says a lot of things. Chase: I don't just date whoever shows up. I mean, I did meet women in the hospital, but they weren't just flings. Adams: Basically, you're explaining why you're not going to ask me out. Chase: That's not what I was — did you want me to ask you out? Adams: Yeah. I told Park to tell Taub to tell House to pass you that note. [Looking at the sampling] It's completely clean in there. Chase: He said he just bathed her. [He checks out the doll’s side] Adams… there's a swelling beneath the skin… 3-inch mass. Adams : Is it… part of the doll's skeleton? Chase: It feels like a tumor. Adams: CT showed an air-filled mass in the doll's abdomen. It's probably just a chemical reaction. Henry left her too close to a heating pipe or something. Chase: This guy brushes her hair every morning, brings home movies for them to watch together. You think he tosses her in a broom closet at the end of each day? Adams: More likely than it getting stomach cancer. Chase: How about clostridium? Bacteria got trapped in the airtight cavity, produced gas… Adams: It doesn't explain the neurological issue. Chase: We can explain that the same way we explain the tooth fairy. House: Oh, I get to play Solomon. Cut the doll open. Chase: We can't just destroy the patient's property. That thing cost 7 grand. [They stop in front of House’s office.] House: Exactly. Ask him for consent. If he says yes, then we get to go hunting bacteria. If he says no, there's no need because he's crazy, and we need a different theory. See ya. Gotta go build a temple. [House heads towards Wilson’s office. Chase and Adams go the other way. Cut to Henry’s room where Adams is explaining to Henry what they want to do.] Henry: Okay. Adams: You sure? It won't be able to heal when we're done. Henry: But you think she could tell you what's wrong with me. Adams: Yes. Henry (on the verge of crying): Okay. [Chase is also here; he pushes the chair where the doll is sitting, to take it out of the room. Adams stops him and leans over the doll to do the procedure.] Chase: Should we take her to the procedure room? Adams: It's not a “her,” which means we can do this anywhere. [She opens up the doll’s shirt and takes her scalpel.] Chase: Adams… you can know something's not real and still love it. [He points at Henry, he is crying.] Adams: I think the procedure room might be better for this. [Cut to Wilson’s office, he is sitting behind his desk while House is on the couch.] Wilson: You are a horrible person. House: All I need is to break up one marriage. You've broken up three of your own. You're like the Stephen Hawking of klling relationships. Actually, no, Stephen Hawking is the Stephen Hawking of... Wilson: Okay. I have work to do. [He turns to his laptop and starts typing on the keyboard.] House: Your computer is off. Wilson: Sorry, I can't hear you over my "stereo." House: Why do you assume that marriage is better than hooking? We don't know anything about the guy. He could be a serial kller. Wilson: Even if that were true, it would still be a toss-up. House (getting up): What kind of guy marries a hooker? Somebody who hires hookers. And someone who hires hookers is not exactly the monogamous type. If we expose him as a cheater… Wilson: You're a coward. House (holding up his cane like a sword and speaking loudly): Would a coward fight to the end to save a damsel in soon-to-be-proved distress? Wilson: Absolutely, if what he's afraid of is other damsels. Your last relationship failed so miserably, you ended up in jail. Now you're clinging to this hooker when there are about 3 billion other women out there who aren't call girls, some of whom are attractive and intelligent, one of whom is living in your apartment and is married to you! House (having some sort of epiphany): You're right. Why am I asking you for help? [He leaves Wilson’s office.] [Cut to the procedure room, Adams is cutting open the doll’s side with a scalpel. Park is standing next to her.] Park: You shouldn't sleep with Chase. Adams: Thank God. You got here just in time. What do you have against him? Park: Nothing, but House has a way of getting into people's heads. Adams: Just like last week when he was prying into your relationship with Chase? It was silly then, and it's silly now. Park: Why was it silly then? I'm not 5'9" with curves and flowing hair, so it's impossible for me to get it on with a good-looking guy? Adams: Wow. Do you resent me? You're the quirky, hardworking hm and I'm the evil cheerleader who steals boys? If you're not getting any, it's not my fault. [Cut to a grocery store where Taub is shopping with one of his daughters. They stop in front of the cereals.] Taub: Should we get the one with the panda on it or the bird? [He points at one of them randomly.] Good choice. Pandas eat only bamboo, they know nothing about cereal. [He throws the box in the cart. A young woman is observing them. She approaches Taub.] Woman: Your little girl is adorable. Taub: Thanks. She keeps me very busy. Woman: You and her mom must be very proud. Taub: Her mother… died in childbirth. Henry (overjoyed): Amy. How'd it go? Adams: We're growing cultures now, but she looked clean, and there was no telltale smell. I'm guessing the lump was just an air bubble that got trapped in the mold. [Henry pulls Amy’s gown apart and sees the bandage.] Henry: You bandaged her up. Adams: I threw in some stitches, too. Just wanted to make her look her best. Do you want me to put her in her chair? [Suddenly, Henry falls down, in pain, he seems to be unable to breathe.] Henry? [to the nurses] Call a code! [Cut to the inside of a food truck “Knish Upon a Star”, parked in front of a building. House is wearing an apron and he is taking out of the oven a tray of baked knishes. Dominika is looking outside with a pair of high-powered binoculars.] House: You looking at the apartment with those or the transit of Mercury? Dominika: If night comes, you'll be thanking me. [pointing outside] They're seeking heat. House: He's an accountant. How late do you think he's going to party? Dominika: I bought jar to pee in. [House’s cell phone rings, he takes it out of his pocket and answers it.] House: Yeah. [On the other side of the line, the team is in the diagnostics room, sitting at the table, around the speakerphone.] Adams: We heard crackles in Henry's lungs. We diuresed him, but he still needs oxygen. Chase: Echo shows normal heart function. Could be high output failure from anemia. Taub: Hematocrit was rock normal. House (over the phone): What is this? Mushroom? Dominika: Say "mushroom," charge $2. Say "truffle," charge $5. Is that the man who wants to marry hooker? [A Black man walks down the stairs in front of the building.] House: Probably. But he's not the one we're after. [He is still holding the phone to his ear but not really paying attention to it.] Park: Should we ask? Chase: Nope. House: Oh! How rude of me not to situate you. I'm doing Emily a favor. We're going to track her fiancé until Dominika can seduce and expose him as the lying cheater I need him to be. Taub: I'm guessing she didn't ask for this favor. House: Oh, you know, the noblest gifts are the ones we give anonymously. Adams: Crackles are nonspecific. Hypoxia plus bleeding could indicate D.I.C. or some other— House: No neurological symptoms? I knew your bleeding heart would bring you around. Too bad it's also taking you off the market. And by market, I mean Chase. Come on, buck up, Chase. There's always Park. Unless… How did band practice go? Park: Great. House: Does she look like she's lying? Adams: Kind of. Park: Popo needed a ride to the doctor, and my mom couldn't, so— House: You're terrified of dating because… a previous relationship ended because your latent rage made you vicious in arguments. Or— Taub: Or reincarnation. In a past life, she was Anne Boleyn. House: Interesting. Taub feels confident enough to turn the spotlight on himself. It's almost as if he wants me to ask… what's her name? Taub: Wendy Jacobson. 33, Brown grad, family therapist. House: Nice choice. Since you got two families to "therapize." Taub: First date we didn't discuss everything important— House: So it was just a one-night stand. Taub: You're wrong. I actually like her. I'm going to see her again. House: Mazel tov. Great relationships often start with snap decisions aimed at proving me wrong. Adams: Air bubble in the doll could mean the silicone is degrading. If he hailed some particles… House: Silicone deposition. That could work. Start him on plasmapheresis. Now, turning to Adams, my theory is tripartite— [Adams hangs up the phone on House. He puts his phone away and continues looking at the window with Dominika.] House: Want to hear my thesis? It's kind of interesting. Dominika: No man comes out. But old naked lady in 3-C is eating whole block of cheese. Henry: Will this hurt? Adams: No, you might feel a little cold, though. Henry (noticing something): Crap. [The door opens and Molly comes in.] Molly (happily): Hey. I only have a second, but I went to the time travel lecture. Henry: Ah. Molly (noticing the doll in the chair): Whoa. That is… awesome. [She approaches and touches it.] What is it? It's so… oh, realistic. Oh, and it's all bandaged up. It is one of those CPR things? Henry: No. Adams (embarrassed): We're starting a procedure. A little privacy— Henry: No, no, it's-it's good that she's here. Molly, I'd like you to meet Amy. Molly (laughing): What? Henry: I'm serious. I know it seems a little strange, but she means a lot to me. Molly : I, um, got to get back to work. Henry: But you just got here. Sit down. Molly: Yeah, but I-I said that I only had a second. Enjoy the handouts. [She leaves the room.] [Cut to the babies’ room at Taub’s. He is putting his daughter to bed and Wendy is watching him. He closes the door on his way out.] Taub: Listen, um, I have to admit something. Wendy: Okay. Taub: Her mom isn't dad. We're separated. Wendy: Uh-huh. Taub (embarrassed): You're the first person I've asked out since then. I'm not used to explaining… I panicked. Which I regret, because now that I've gotten to know you, I like you. It was a really stupid lie. I'm sorry. Wendy: Was that a different baby? Taub (awkwardly): No… Wendy: That was a different baby. [Cut to Henry’s room. He is alone with Amy the doll sitting in the chair next to his bed. He is reading the notes Molly gave him.] Henry (to the doll): It's nice having you here. I wish you could come over and get in bed with me. [Suddenly Henry hallucinates the doll turning into a real woman. She gets up from the chair and approaches Henry’s bed.] Amy: Like this? Henry: You're talking? Amy: It's not all I can do. [She unbuttons her shirt and takes it off, her skirt too. Wearing only her underwear, “real” Amy climbs on top of Henry.] Henry: Amy, there are doctors… Amy: Shh… Henry: I don't know. Amy: Just put your hands on me. [He does as she asked, she kisses him, but his mind is jumbled: he sees Amy, then she’s covered in blood, then he’s covered in blood and screaming in pain. In reality, Henry is unconscious, screaming in pain; Adams is trying to hold him down to the bed while Chase is giving him a sedative.] Chase: Pushing lorazepam. If it wasn't neurological before, it sure is now. Adams: Right upper quadrant's distended. He's hallucinating because his liver's failing. [Cut to the diagnostics room, the team is sitting while Chase is making coffee for himself. House is cleaning his sunglasses.] Taub: Elevated transaminases confirm liver failure. We'll have to put him on the transplant list in a couple days. Adams: It's clearly not the silicone. Could be vasculitis. Chase: Serologies were negative. House: Yeah, if you want Adams to hear, you might want to not stand so conspicuously far away. Chase: I'm making coffee. And sometimes, I date co-workers. Like everyone else on the planet. Park: Hepatic fibrosis. If it damaged his platelets, it'd explain the bleeding. House: Unexpected. I actually thought you might agree with my theory. Because that would mean nothing's your fault. You fell into relationships based on proximity. Of course they failed. [Chase sits down at the table.] But I guess I was wrong. You picked perfect women. You just screwed it up. Adams: How about all five of us live together and the $7,000 sex doll? It'll solve all our hang-ups. Taub: $7,000? House: Adams suggests that we all sleep together, and your issue is high prices? Taub: Pretty sure she was joking. House: Yes, I'm 99% sure that you're right, but I would never forgive myself— Taub: Those dolls are only $5,000. He must have had it customized somehow. [They all look at him in disbelief.] Oh, like, you didn't check the website? House: I guess we don't need to ask how your dating life is going. Taub: I was curious. Adams: Hepatic fibrosis wouldn't cause difficulty breathing. Chase: It would if liver failure opened pulmonary av shunts. House: Fibrosis fits. Start the patient on steroids and find out how he pimped his ride. Taub: Why? House: Because I don't know the answer. [He gets up and heads for the elevator. Wilson happens to be walking by and stops to talk to House.] Wilson: Hey. Foosball? House: Can't. Marriage to destroy. Wilson: Okay… [He heads for his office.] House: "Okay" as in passive-aggressive reverse psychology? Or as in depressed resignation Wilson: "Okay" as in I changed my mind. House: Expand. Wilson: Oh, it's morally reprehensible and bound to fail, but in a weird way, it's a step forward. This thing with Emily. House: Contract. Wilson: It's real without being real. It's a long-term relationship that can't actually hurt you. It's, um… a stepping stone. It means you want more. House: So, passive-aggressive reverse psychology. Got it. [He enters the elevator and the doors close.] [Cut to House and Dominika, they are outside in front of the lunch area of a building. A Black man in the background is talking on the phone. House is sitting on a bench with Dominika; he has his sunglasses on. He is prepping up, setting up a small microphone in her vest.] House: Try not to come on too strong, okay? Just get to know him a little. Ease into it. Domonika: Why would I ease? House: True. You could just walk up and stick your hand down his pants, but I heard there's a middle step. Dominika: Men want to have sex. House (putting an earplug in his ear to be able to listen to Dominika’s conversations): Not with crazy people. Well, yes, a lot with crazy people, but not that kind of crazy. Well, yeah, that kind of crazy— Dominika (talking right in the microphone): They don't care how crazy if she look like me. Okay. Easing. Dominika: Hi. [She gets up and walks to the Black man. House is not looking at them but he can hear the whole exchange.] Harris: Hey. Dominika: I'm Jennifer, new to marketing department. [They shake hands.] Harris: Harris. Accounts receivable. Dominika: Oh, interesting. Do you want to get out of here and have sex? Harris: Uh, sure. [Dominika gives a look to House, he gets up and walks to them] You know, I got 45 minutes left on my lunch break. Dominika: Mm-hmm. Harris: Where you wanna go? House (stopping them): Off to a place where men don't cheat on the women they love. [He takes off his glasses and the earplug.] You're not invited, obviously. Harris: Cheating? What are you talking about? House: Why, I hope you're speaking out of some deep kind of moral relativism because— Harris: Who are you people? House: You're not Emily's fiancée. Harris: Emily's my sister. [Cut to the procedure room, Adams is fixing the IV in Henry’s arm.] Adams: We called the company that made Amy. They said they modeled her after some photos you sent them. [She shows him one of the pictures on a cell phone.] Who is she? Henry: We met last Christmas. She's a yoga instructor. Totally different from me. She-she loved Chopin, hated Indian food. She changed entire my life for 17 weeks. Adams: My husband cheated on me… with a girl he met on the plane coming back from our honeymoon. It's not easy to get past things like that. Henry: She wasn't unfaithful. She didn't betray me. She just… she just wasn't in love with me. [He is about to cry.] Adams: I know Amy's not going to break your heart. But she's also not going to change your life. Henry (looking up): The lights are bright. [Suddenly Henry starts vomiting.] Henry: Sorry. What's happening to me? Adams: Is your neck stiff? Henry: Yeah. Adams: I think you have meningitis. [Cut to House’s apartment, House is pacing the floor in front of Emily who is sitting on his couch.] Emily: I'm not leaving the business. I'm just leaving you. I didn't want you to feel bad. House: So let me get this straight. I'm being dumped by a hooker… who's worried about my feelings? Emily: You're married. House: Half your clients are married. And you're a hooker. Emily: My other guys sneak around, but you'll take me into the bedroom while your wife's in the next room. That's just… mean. House: Oh, my God. The marriage, it's a sham. The only really thing about it is the green card she's going to get at the end of it. So, if you want to get the meter running… Emily: It's still mean. House: It's not a marriage. It's a felony. Emily: I've seen how she looks at you when you're together. Trust me. She likes you. And I've seen how you look at her. [Cut to Henry’s room, he is in pain; then to the diagnostics room where the team and House are once again sitting at the table. House seems lost deep in his thoughts, playing with a rubber band.] Adams: Fever's up 105. He's not responding to meds. At this rate, he'll be dad by the time we get the cultures back. Taub: Spinal fluid was full of white cells. Meningitis could be carcinomatous. Park: Cytology showed nothing. Chase: An amoebic infection would cause fever and meningitis. Adams: But not liver failure. Park: It could if he had a clot. Taub: How could amoebas get past his cribriform plate? He went swimming in a frozen lake in New Jersey? [House gets up silently; he is still deeply lost in his thoughts.] Chase: Adams said his ex-girlfriend was a yoga instructor. Adams: Maybe he sprained his chakras. Chase: Yoga nuts are way more likely to be into alternative medicine. He has this little weird teapot in his house. House (turning around suddenly): What was it like? Chase: Um, little. Weird. Teapot-ish. [House goes to the whiteboard and draws a teapot shaped like the one we saw Chase hold when they visited the apartment (Aladdin’s magic lamp!).] House: Like that? Chase: Yeah. Park: You think he drinks some sort of toxic herbal tea? House: Yes… if by "tea," you mean salted tap water. And by "drink," you mean poured up his nose. His girlfriend didn't just leave him with a broken heart. She left him with a neti pot. It's an Indian method of… clearing the sinuses during allergy season. Also known as now. [As House speaks, we see glimpses of the past: Henry is filling the pot with tap water and leaning over the sink, he puts water in his nose.] The distilled water can act as a snot flushing system. With tap water, it can act as an amoeba delivery system to the fluids around the brain. Start him on metronidazole. If he's lucky, he'll get to see his plastic children walk down the aisle. [Cut to Henry’s room, he is sitting in bed, Adams is writing in his file.] Henry: My neck feels much better. Adams: Your fever's gone, and your liver function's almost back to normal. You should be able to go home soon. Henry: I'm going to have some hospital bills to pay. I don't suppose used sex dolls go for anything online. [Adams laughs and heads for the door. Henry stops her.] Dr. Adams? Can I get your email? Adams: What for? Henry: I just thought maybe we could see each other again. Adams (embarrassed): I-I can't. Henry: No, I know. It's a professionalism thing, but you won't be my doctor when I get out of here. Adams: It's not that. It's— Henry: What is it? You said I should change my life. You were talking about yourself, too. I know you were. Adams: Henry, I-I think you should ask Molly out. Henry: I should have known this would happen. Adams: You're a good guy, Henry. You deserve more than a doll. Promise me you'll keep trying. Henry: Okay. [Cut to the locker room. Taub and Park are getting ready to leave the hospital.] Park: Date tonight? So she can't deal. There's someone out there who can. You just got to find her. Taub: I'd love to prove House wrong, but… I ruined my marriage, broke two people's hearts, had two kids who are always going to wonder why I didn't love their mommy enough. It's better if I just… focus on what I do have. [He closes his locker.] Give that band guy a call. Park: I'm not that good at guitar. Or flirting or small talk. I'm not as pretty as Adams, I have stuffy clothes, and I hate my hair. Taub: Adams works 80 hours a week fixing bunions on hobos because she can't face getting to know someone new. Trust me. You find a boyfriend, she'll be the jealous one. [He leaves.] [Cut to the lobby of the hospital. Adams is at the nurse station looking at files. Chase walks by and heads out since his day over.] Chase: See you tomorrow. Adams: Do you… [He stops and turns around. She catches up.] Adams: Want to get a drink? Chase (suspicious): To annoy Park or to prove House wrong? Adams: Oh, I… It's just, um… I think it's time for a change. Chase (surprised): I don't really think that's a good idea for me right now. Adams (embarrassed): House has a way of getting in people's heads. Chase: Yeah. Adams: Yeah. [Chase leaves.] [Cut to the diagnostics room, Park is talking on the phone.] Park: No, mom. I'm still at work. I'll be home in a couple hours. Love you too. [Micah is also there, sitting on the couch with a guitar. Park hangs up the phone and goes to sit beside him. She also has a guitar.] Micah: Ready? [She nods.] One, two, three, four. [They both start playing Sonny and Cher’s “I Got you Babe”. They are also singing.] ** Dominika: I fix blender. House: So I see. [She fills up a glass and walks to House.] Dominika: I had fun seducing hooker's fake fiancée. Sorry it didn't work. House: Yeah, I thought I'd take a break from the whole hooker thing. Dominika: I think maybe you need milk shake. Is pistachio.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x17 - We Need The Eggs"}	foreverdreaming
Lue: Who are you? What are you doing? Get out of here! Mom! Lida: Lue? Lue? You okay? [The woman is gone. Lue gasps for air but continues to choke.] Okay, honey. Calm down. It's all right. You're just having another bad dream. Lue: I can't breathe! [She turns on the bedside lamp and massages him comfortingly. He clutches at his throat.] Lida: Yes, you can. You're fine. Just relax. Just take slow, deep breaths. Nice and easy. There's nothing to be afraid of. Lue: I'm… trying… but I can't! Lida: Relax. Slow, deep breaths. [His lips are blue.] Lue: I… can't. [Lue passes out. His mother tries to wake him up.] Lida: Lue? Oh, my God. Lue? Lue, wake up! Wake up, Lue! Come on! Lue! OPENING CREDITS Foreman: Been paging you for over two hours. House: I must've been in the shower. Then I had to moisturize. [House heads to the cafeteria. Foreman follows, talking up the case.] Foreman: Eight-year-old boy was brought into the ER last night with acute respiratory distress. [House grabs a pack of chips.] No history of — [Foreman pauses to pull a dollar out of his pocket which he puts on the counter to pay for House’s food] — no histories of asthma or allergies, and his chest X-ray's clear. House: Actually, I had to moisturize twice. Dominika made oysters Rockefeller last night. Foreman: Kid's been having night terrors. Woke up in the middle of one in full respiratory arrest. House: Stress induced panic attck. Tell the parents to lay off the grades. The world needs fry cooks too. [They’ve reached the elevator. House pushes the “up” button.] Foreman: Does great in school. The parents are divorced, but it was amicable. And the dad's moved out of state. [The elevator arrives. House gets in.] House: Have you seen Wilson around? Foreman: The dreams are about an ugly, old hag trying to strangle him. [House turns and looks at Foreman, interested. He pushes the elevator door open with his cane.] The family's Hmong. [Cut to Diagnostics. House enters with three large file boxes piled on a wheelchair. He puts them on the table as he talks.] House: SUNDS — sudden unexpected nocturnal death syndrome, aka BS name for “no one's figured out why they died.” Over 100 in the early '80s. Only male. Only Hmong. Healthy right up until the moment they died in their sleep. [House sits and opens the box closest to him.] Chase: What was he dreaming about? Park: It doesn't matter. It's a dream. It doesn't mean anything. Chase: If the nightmare's scary enough, meaningful or not, it could cause a catecholamine surge and ventricular fibrillation. An ancient demon called a Dab was sitting on him, strangling him. I think that qualifies. Taub: Except in the rational part of the file, where it says his EKG's within normal limits. It's not his heart. Adams: What about obstructive sleep apnea? House: Sleep apnea wouldn't have caused breathing problems after he woke up. What did you dream of? Park: I never remember my dreams. House: But you're certain that they're insignificant. Defensively so. Park: I was defending science. House: You were defensively defending science. Park: Lung damage from inhaled toxins could keep causing problems after he woke up. Adams: Or an upper respiratory infection. House: Okay, Chase and Park, start IV antibiotics for pneumonia. Taub and Adams, go check the home for toxins. Park: Could I go with Taub? It was my idea. House: Right… 'cause for a moment there, I thought you were uncomfortable around Chase because you'd had a nocturnal Australian. [She looks uncomfortable. Taub, Adams look at Chase who looks at Park.] You can go with whoever you want. But all of you, read all of these files. [Cut to the hallway outside Lue’s room. Adams is tending to Lue while Chase interviews Lida.] Chase: Do you believe a spirit could be hurting your son? Lida: No, of course not. Chase: Because if he's been taught to believe that, it is possible for the fear alone to affect heart function. Lida: [slightly condescendingly] I'm an engineer. I know illnesses aren't caused by evil spirits. Chase: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I just… had to check. Lida: Anything else you need to check? Chase: No. [She goes into the room and soothes Lue’s brow.] [Cut to House entering Exam Room Two in the clinic. Wilson is doing a breast exam. A female nurse stands by.] House: I had a dream. [The patient covers her breasts with her arms.] Wilson: House… we can talk later. House: Relax, I'm a doctor. Your spectacular breasts mean nothing to me. Wilson: House… House! [He gets House’s attention and gestures to the door.] [Cut to just outside the exam room.] Wilson: Later. [He starts to go back inside.] House: I had sex with Dominika. Wilson: In a dream? House: It wasn't literally sex. Technically, it was flossing. You know, teeth, testicles. I think the symbolism is pretty clear. Wilson: “Later” just changed to “never.” [He closes the door.] Taub: I'll tell you what would be weirder, if you didn't dream about having sex with Chase. Park: Have you? Taub: No. But I've dreamed about having sex with a lot of people I work with, and it didn't freak me out. Park: That's different. Taub: How? Park: 'Cause you've actually had sex with a lot of people at work, and that hasn't freaked you out. Taub: Good point. So you're worried about what it means? [They head into the entry hall.] Park: I'm not worried. It means nothing. It means something, doesn't it? I work with him. I can't want to sleep with him. Taub: Maybe Chase just represents work. You're just falling in love with your job. Park: It has been very satisfying lately. [Looking up the staircase.] Taub: You smell that? Park: Yeah. Smells like wet dog. Taub: It's mold. Park: It's not mold. Taub: It's definitely mold. [They get to the top of the stairs and look around.] I don't see any sign of water damage. [He opens a door. It’s Lue’s room. But now there’s blood on the wall and on Lue’s pillow. In the center of the floor, on a plastic sheet, there’s a severed pig’s head, a bucket of blood, some intestines and burnt incense. There’s a line of blood around the bed.] Taub: Holy crap. * Taub: It looked like a slaughterhouse. Lida: I don't know what you're talking about. It was clean when we left. Taub: You're telling us some random person broke into your house to dismember a pig in your son's bedroom? Lida: A pig? My father-in-law. [She marches to a man sitting on a bench down the hall.] Lida: What did you do? Xang: What you should have done weeks ago, when the dreams started. I'm saving Lue. Nurse: [voice] He's coding! Need a doctor in here! [Park and Taub run back to the room, followed by Lida and Xang.] Nurse: V-tach. No pulse. Lida: Oh, my God! Park: Push 1 milligram EPI! Taub: Paddles. Charge to 50. Nurse: Charging! Taub: Clear! [He shocks Lue.] Lida: Baby… Park: Still V-tach! Taub: Charge to 100! Nurse: [dialing the defibrillator up] 100! Taub: Clear! [looks at the monitor] Charging— Park: Wait! Normal sinus rhythm. [Lue coughs.] Lida: Oh, God! [Cut to Diagnostics.] Taub: He's sab, but we've obviously got a second symptom. House: Yeah, yeah, yeah, kid in V-tach. Tell me about the luau in his bedroom. Park: It's a traditional Hmong ceremony that's supposed to call back the kid's soul. House: Hasn't he heard of Star-69? Taub: There's more. The reason grandpa thinks the kid's soul is stolen is because he's convinced his son, the kid's father, had his stolen as well. He bat his boss to death. The dad didn't move away. He's in prison. Adams: PTSD could definitely cause breathing problems— Park: It's not PTSD. Adams: Even if the kid wasn't there, just hearing what the dad did— Park: But he hasn't. It happened when he was two, and all he's ever been told is that his parents divorced and his dad moved away. Chase: The heart thing indicates a malignant arrhythmia. He needs an E.P. study. House: How many of the other files showed malignant arrhythmias? Chase: None, but— House: Forget the E.P. Taub: What about acute pericarditis? Explains the dyspnea. House: How many of the other files— Taub: It's exacerbated by lying supine, so the symptoms would get worse when he goes to sleep. Just like all 100 of the others. House: [nods] Do an echo to check the pericardium. See if you can find any cardioactive toxins in the home samples. [Everyone starts to leave.] Park: Can I just say that I very much enjoy my job? House: No, no, please. No need to apologize for your earlier behavior. [He opens a bag and drops a plastic take-out container on the desk.] Floss was mint probably because of this green G-string she hangs up to dry in the bathroom. [House sits on the couch and takes out a second container of food.] Wilson: [checking the time] My watch must have stopped. Apparently it's already “never.” House: You might want to forward your calls. You do not want the Reader's Digest version on this. There was a very tight hygienist's uniform, suggestive use of the water sprayer— Wilson: The floss isn't sex. It's guilt. It's tying you up for throwing away the I.N.S. notification granting Dominika her citizenship. [gets up] She can move out, but she still doesn't know it, which means you're basically holding her prisoner. Tell her the truth, and leave me alone. [He walks out. House stares at the closed door.] [Cut to the lab. Chase and Park are doing tests on the samples from Lue’s home. Chase reaches past Park to get something from the far side of the counter. She jumps back.] Chase: Really? Park: What? You startled me. Chase: We work together every day, usually under a fair amount of stress. It's only natural I'd pop into a subconscious thought every once in a while. Park: Have you ever dreamt about having sex with me? Chase: No. Park: You paused. Chase: No, I didn't. You think I'm lying? Park: No, I think you're fighting the urge to snap the word "no" because your subconscious finds the idea abhorrent. [Their beepers go off. Cut to them leaving the lab and walking down the hall.] Chase: So if I snap, it's offensive, and if I don't snap, it's offensive for the exact same reason? Park: Talk to your subconscious. Chase: This is becoming weird because you're making it weird. Park: So you don't find the idea abhorrent? Chase: I work with you. I don't have to answer that question. Park: You just did. [They reach Lue’s room. Taub comes out.] What happened? [Adams joins them in the hall. Lida stays by Lue’s bedside.] Taub: Echo was negative, but he has severe abdominal pain. Adams: Ultrasound didn't suggest any intestinal blockages, but he's severely constipated. Park: No spores, clostridium, or organic toxins in the kitchen samples. Nothing in the bedroom either. Adams: We need to scope him, and we're gonna need to clear his bowel first. Chase: We should biopsy his thyroid. Adams: For an impacted bowel? Chase: Hashimoto's thyroiditis would explain his lung, heart, and intestinal involvement. And if you think we still need House's approval, it also explains dying in your sleep. Park: Nice call. [Cut to House’s office. It is almost dark. He and Dominika are eating with chopsticks from cardboard take-out cartons.] Dominika: When you invite me for dinner, I thought maybe you take me to a restaurant. Or have plates. House: Yeah, sorry. Idiot delivery guy forgot them. Dominika: Mm… The idiot delivery guy, or the idiot guy whose food you stole from lounge refrigerator, huh? House: You've gotten to know me pretty well. Dominika: [grinning] My citizenship depends on it, right? House: Yeah… that's actually why I wanted to talk to you. Dominika: [instantly serious and excited] You heard news? House: Yeah. Dominika: So what news? They want us to come in for another interview? House: No. [Long pause. House looks away and down before reestablishing eye contact.] Since we hadn't heard anything, I–I called, and they said it's gonna be a couple weeks, maybe a month till they finalize their decision. Dominika: A month? House: Yeah, I know. It sucks. Dominika: No, it's — it's not suck to live with you. It's been fun, but… you know, I just want to be legal. House: And you will be. Absolutely. In the meantime… Dominika: Hmm? House: Have you ever sht anyone? [She tilts her head and looks questioningly at him.] [Cut to Lue’s room. Adams is about to give him an injection.] Lue: No, get away. [He pushes her hand away.] Adams: Look, this needle isn't nearly as big as the one in your arm, and that didn't hurt, did it? Lue: I don't want it. Lida: They need to do it, Lue. Taub: You'll only feel a little pinch as we give you the numbing medicine, and after that, you won't feel a thing. Lue: No! Lida: Lue, calm down. It's gonna be okay. Lue: [responds angrily in an Asian-sounding language.] Adams: What's he saying? What's the problem? Lida: I don't know. Xang: He's saying it's too late. There's nothing we can do. [Lida looks at him.] It's Hmong. Lida: He doesn't speak Hmong. He's never even heard it. Xang: It isn't him speaking. It's the Dab. Taub: He's seizing! Lida: Oh—! Oh, my God! Taub: Need some Lorazepam in here! * Chase: Seizure rules out Hashimoto's. Taub: Yeah, that's the issue, not that we have no rational explanation for how the patient spoke a language he's never even heard. House: I've got one. Dang tong lee twah. It means "you're a bunch of pathetic idiots" in Hmong. [He turns his laptop around so they can see the screen with the computer translator on it.] Or it doesn't. But you wouldn't know because none of you speak Hmong. Kid, on the other hand, is presumably fluent in gibberish. Adams: The grandfather speaks Hmong. He translated. House: He heard what he wanted to hear, 'cause if his grandson really is possessed, that means his son really is possessed, which is a giant step up from being a sledgehammering psychopath. Chase: Whatever it was preceded a seizure. It's obviously a neurological symptom. Park: Scleroderma, advanced to the point that it's affecting his brain? House: [nods slightly] Interesting. Chase: So we should start treating— House: Interesting that you keep falling for it when I say “interesting.” The scleroderma part was idiotic — we'd have seen skin involvement. The interesting part is that you and Park agree, but you're not able to look at each other. Chase: Um… I'm looking at her. [Sort of. He tilts his head toward Park but keeps flicking his eyes toward House.] Park: I'm looking at him. [She does.] House: Good, now lick your lips. Adams: Rasmussen's encephalitis. Diffuse spotty inflammation could ht the autonomic centers of the brain. House: Cha mo tie mia boo chang. It's Hmong for “get an MRI to confirm.” [Cut to the hall outside Lue’s room. Chase speaks to Lida while Xang looks on.] Lida: Rasmussen's encephalitis. But he'll be okay? Chase: With treatment, it's manageable. And it explains all the things that have happened to him? Chase: We think so. Xang: You are wrong. And you are wasting my grandson's time. Chase: Neurological issues can cause a person to speak in tongues, speak with an accent— Xang: He wasn't speaking in tongues! Chase: In times of stress, our senses can fool us into believing— Xang: I know the difference between science and faith, and when my son started having the same dreams my grandson is having, science couldn't help him. Chase: I'm sorry if your son suffered from mental illness. Xang: Kao was not crazy. He was bright, caring, happy, until the bad dreams came. I don't want to watch it happen again. Chase: Please don't scare the boy. It won't help him get better. Taub: Axial view of mid-brain level looks good. Moving on to thalamic. Park: I had another dream last night. This time it was about you. Taub: [intrigued] Really? Park: See, that's how you're supposed to react. When a woman tells you she's dreamt about you, you should be thrilled, even if you're not interested in her whatsoever. Taub: You're an idiot, you know that? Park: Well, I definitely won't be dreaming about you tonight. Taub: I'm jealous of you two. You couldn't be more different, and yet you have this good thing happening. You support each other. You like each other. Don't let House screw it up. Park: We're not that different. Taub: Yeah, you are. [Cut to a man with his arm wrapped around a woman’s neck. With his other hand he is pointing a pstol at her head. A bllet hits him right between the eyes. He’s the target at a shting range. Dominika fires another 10 shts, all of which ht the man in the head. She removes the clip from the gn. House flips the switch to bring the target to them. They both take off their headsets.] House: Apparently, there are some things about you I don't know. Dominika: I served one year in police unit. House: And you're just telling your husband now? Dominika: Immigration doesn't know. No need for husband to know. [House’s beeper goes off. He checks the message.] What is happening to boy with demons? House: Absence of evidence on an MRI, which my team has mistaken for evidence of absence. Dominika: [She sends a fresh target out.] This is what I am not understanding: How can you believe in dark matters but not in dark spirits? Is–is the idea of demons so different than the Higgs boson? We can't see it, but we can see the impact of its presence. [He stares at her.] I borrowed your physics book. I read while in bathroom. House: You're a dad-eye sht and enjoy reading quantum physics on the crapper? Dominika: I read in bathtub. House: Better image. Thank you. [They put their glasses and headsets back on.] [Cut to Lue’s room. It’s dark. Xang sits on the edge of the bed, talking to Lue.] Lue: The doctors say my brain is sick. Xang: Your doctors are trying their best, but they're not looking in the right place. You know, I know this is a lot to put on an eight-year-old, but you have angered our ancestors by ignoring them. Now do you remember how to talk to them? [Lue nods and crosses his arms across his chest.] Yeah, that's right. Good. Now close your eyes, and we will ask for forgiveness together. You're doing good. [pats Lue’s shoulder] But we have to do more. The evil spirits are in the air, and the only way to stop them is by stopping the air. [He gently brushes the hair off Lue’s forehead then clamps his hand over his grandson’s mouth and nose. Lue struggles but the hand that was patting him on the shoulder is now holding holding his throat. He chokes.] You have to be brave. I'm not trying to hurt you. This will help you. I know it will. [Taub enters the room. Lida is already at Lue’s bedside. It’s a beautiful, sunny day.] Taub: Lue? You okay? Lida: I can't wake him up! Taub: Lue! Lue, you're safe. You're in the hospital. Lue: [shaking] Get grandpa away! Lida: He's not here, honey. It was just a dream. Lue: He was choking me! Taub: No, Lue, it wasn't real. Lue: It was! He grabbed my neck! [Taub starts to say something else when he notices long, purple bruises along Lue’s neck.] Taub: Those bruises weren't there before. [END OF ACT THREE] [ACT FOUR] [Cut to Diagnostics.] Taub: He had the dream, and then he had the bruising. House: More likely — and by “likely,” I mean “rationally” — it's the other way around. His brain felt the pain in his neck and created the dream to explain it. Adams: Coagulopathy? Lung problems cause a clotting disturbance. Park: He would have bruises everywhere. Taub: Is it really preposterous that dreams can have physical manifestations? House: Well, short answer is— [He slaps Taub on the back of the head.] Taub: Thoughts during sleep can and do cause physical changes. House: Is that right, Dr. Park? Did you wake up this morning experiencing physical changes? It's medically relevant. Chase: Her dream doesn't mean anything. Can we start acting like it doesn't mean anything? House: Sure. We could also start acting like walls don't mean anything, but then we'd hurt our noses. You've been taking the high road. You haven't been teasing in an obviously teasable situation because you know it does mean something. She hates the dream because it makes her feel vulnerable. You love the dream because it makes you feel superior. The poor lass who can't help but fall sway to your charms, and you're bestowing upon her the gift of illusory irrelevance. Taub: [to Adams] Can you please hint to House that you had a sex dream? I'd really prefer not to get distracted with trying to cure the patient today. Adams: I refuse to divulge my dreams about girl-on-girl loofa action. The bruising could indicate anemia, a vitamin C deficiency, or even leukemia. House: That is so weird that you and I had the same dream. I assume yours also ends with me achieving ecstasy while simultaneously placing third in the New York City marathon. Park: Third? House: I'm a realist. Liver failure can cause gibberish from encephalopathy, constipation, bruising, and breathing problems. Adams: Hepatic fibrosis could ht someone his age. House: So let's ht his liver. Get a biopsy. [The team leaves.] [Cut to the treatment room. Taub and Adams are doing the biopsy. Lida stands at the foot of the bed.] Adams: Angle a bit more superiorly. [Taub adjusts the biopsy needle.] Lida: He keeps having these nightmares that become real. They really hurt him. I don't want to believe that a nightmare can do that, but I— Taub: I'm struggling with it too, but these things can be explained medically. Lida: But you haven't. Every doctor, every idea they've had, it's been wrong. [Cut to a doctors’ lounge. Chase is making coffee. Park enters.] Park: Liver biopsy's back. Team's about to meet. [She turns to leave.] Chase: Back to avoiding eye contact with me? House got to you again? Park: Want me to gaze longingly into your eyes as I tell you the test results? Chase: I want you to treat me like a friend, which means getting over the fact that you like me more than I like you. Park: Yeah, egotism and preening really turn me on. Chase: [approaching her] Too bad I'm not attracted to androgyny and self-pity, or you'd have it made. Park: [stepping closer to him] Because anyone who hasn't gotten wet from your petri dish of STDs clearly has low self-esteem! Chase: Bitch. Park: Dick! [They kiss passionately. Park pushes Chase onto the couch and they kiss some more. She rips open his shirt.] Are you coming? Chase: Why didn't your lips move when you said that? Park: Chase! [She’s at the door.] You coming? Liver biopsy's back. Chase: I'll be right there. [She leaves. He takes a moment.] Adams: Biopsy was negative for fibrosis. Lida: So once again, you don't know what's wrong? Taub: It's always good to rule out the bad things. Nurse: Doctors! [They walk to the door of the room. Xang and a nurse stand on the far side of the bed. Lue is covered with a sheet. Other than his hand, which is on the edge of the bed, his body is rigid and several inches above the mattress.] Park: God! [As they approach the bed, Lue drops back down. Adams and Taub start to examine him.] Taub: [to Adams] Was he…? Adams: Yes. ** Taub: He was levitating. House: Cool. So the one thing we know for sure is he was not levitating. Adams: He was floating 6 inches off the bed. [House looks heavenward, mouths something and rubs his face in frustration.] Chase: [to Park] He could've just been arching his back off the bed. Taub: Yes, but then I would have come into the room and reported that the patient was weirdly arching his back off the bed. [House grabs his cane and gets up.] It was his whole body. He was levitating. House: So many questions… starting with why did Chase address his comment to someone who wasn't even in the room? Hocus pocus, on my feet you idiots must focus. [House points his cane at Chase then twirls it. He stands by the window, facing his desk so the team is looking at his right side. Both of his arms are outstretched to the sides and he holds his cane upside down in his right hand. Taub’s smirk disappears as House levitates. He remains “standing” a few inches above the floor for several seconds then drops his arms and lands. He makes a big show of being unnerved by the experience.] House: Uh… uh… extreme… drained… Taub: The kid's not a magician. House: Of course not. He's the lovely assistant. 'Cause grandpa pig sticker is waving the wand. Middling with… is Chase trying to avoid Taub, or is he trying to prove that he's not avoiding Park? Adams: We checked the bed. There were no platforms or wires. This wasn't a trick. Park: Tetanus could cause muscle rigidity. Maybe he was propped up by his heel and elbow. Taub: Except he wasn't! House: Tetanus wouldn't cause that kind of breathing difficulty. And ending with… if Chase is trying not to avoid Park, why is he doing this today and not yesterday? Chase: But hypocalcemia could, and the enema we administered to cure his constipation had a high phosphorous load, which could make him transiently hypocalcemic. House: It's a long sht, but at least it has the benefit of being rational. Go pump up his electrolytes and start beta-blockers. And good news for Park: I think Chase had a sex dream about you. Chase: Dreams don't mean anything. [Cut to the hall outside Lue’s room. Lue is asleep.] Lida: I don't know. Nothing you've done has helped. Chase: If we don't start and he has another seizure, the neurological damage could be permanent. Lida: My father-in-law — he thinks the calling ceremony didn't work because Lue wasn't there. Taub: And you think he's right? Lida: I don't know. Taub: I'm sorry, but there's no way we can allow him to perform an exorcism in your son's hospital room. Lida: Then I will have to take him home. Chase: A day ago, you were insulted I'd even think you might believe that stuff, and now you're willing to stop all treatment, so you can try it? Lida: Maybe Xang was right about Kao. The man I loved wasn't evil and would never do what he did. He was… possessed. And my son needs his soul back. Foreman: Why not? As long as he doesn't feed the kid anything or put anything on his skin that we haven't verified is harmless, what's the problem? House: I agree. And since we're establishing a new policy of “What the hell, we'll try anything,” I'd like to hire Shakira to belly dance while singing Waka Waka. Foreman: As long as you get the mom and Shakira to consent. It's no different than having a priest or rabbi lead a prayer vigil. The mom is scared and confused and desperate for anything that'll give her hope. House: True. But in the long run, I think you'll be happier having our lawyer declare her unfit. That way you won't be ratifying superstition over science, and I'll still be working here. Foreman: And why would that make me happier? [House didn’t see that one coming.] You're not going anywhere, and we're not “ratifying” their beliefs, we're respecting them. House: You do realize it may involve animal sacrifice. [Oops. Foreman didn’t see that one.] People who live in glass hospitals should not throw exorcisms. Foreman: I'll talk to the mother. [Cut to Lida and Foreman sitting on benches in the open waiting area.] Lida: I don't want to deny him the medicine, I just… want to make sure I try everything I can. Foreman: I understand that, but you have to understand that we're a hospital, not a temple. Lida: Then I'll take him elsewhere. Foreman: No, you won't. He's sick. We can't let him leave here. I'm sorry, you really have no choice. Lida: I spoke to a lawyer. He told me as long as I wasn't saying no to your treatment, you couldn't say no to my religion. Foreman: Give me 24 hours. Dominika (crying ont he phone): (russian speaking) Mom, it doesn't matter! I have a right to know… Mom, I have to go. Kiss you. Bye. [She hangs up and waves an envelope at House.] Dominika: This came in the mail today! [He seems ashamed, looking at everything except Dominika as he drops his backpack.] House: I'm sorry. I should've told you. Dominika: Told me what? I don't understand. House: What's the letter? Dominika: It's from my Uncle in Poland. My Aunt Luba, they put her in nursing home two months ago! House: That's too bad. Dominika: My mother, I talk to her twice a week and she never even mentioned it. Wh–what does she think? That I can't handle? I am 29 years old! I am not a child! [He hugs her and she clings to him like a child. She sniffles a couple of times.] Were you going out tonight? House: I could stay. [The expression on his face is hard to define. It could be guilt, hope, fear… or a combination of them all.] Lida: He's still barely breathing. [Adams goes to the bed and shakes Lue by the shoulder, trying to get him to react to her.] Adams: Lue? How you feeling? Any stronger? Lue, can you hear me? Lida: What's wrong? Adams: I'm not sure. Lue, I need you to squeeze my hand. He's not responding. [to nurse] Get me an amp of D50! Lida: You were wrong again? I'm calling his grandfather. * [Cut to Lue’s room. Lida stands by the bed, watching. Xang picks up a gong and a mallet from a cart filled with religious paraphernalia. He walks around the bed, hitting it at evenly spaced intervals. There is a gold, red and white paper circle around the bed that looks like a party banner that’s been shredded. Xang stays outside the circle. Outside, in the hallway, there’s a crowd of hospital staff watching through the glass wall.] [Cut to Diagnostics. The team is doing a DDX while the exorcism is going on.] Chase: Genetic tests for Brugada and long QT variants came back negative. Taub: What about a carotid aneurysm? We should do an angiogram. Adams: He's got normal carotid pulses. House: Who cares? Mom's given up, why shouldn't I? Chase: I'm sorry, do we not treat idiots? Because I thought— Taub: Her kid levitated. That happens to my girl, I'm expanding my diagnostic horizons. House: All the more reason why we should shut down. We cure this kid now, crazy grandpa and his magic beads get all the credit. Adams: And since when do you care about credit? House: Since when do I care about this kid? All I care about is sending mommy out into the world having faith in faith. Kid's better off dad. As soon as she's done appeasing the gods, let's talk. Chase: What about Kawasaki? It explains the irregular heartbeat, respiratory distress, and seizures. Park: It fits. Adams: Which means he needs a coronary bypass. House: It can't be Kawasaki. Echo would have shown it. But a patent ductus arteriosis— Taub: It can't be a PDA. He's not an infant, nor has he had any symptoms for eight years. House: Maybe he has. Maybe he had an infected ductus, which we inadvertently treated with antibiotics. Taub: So no evidence is evidence of evidence? House: I'm just saying, it's consistent. Adams: It's a billion-to-one. House: Which means there's seven people in the world who fit the diagnosis. Taub: I thought we were looking for 100. House: Well, maybe PDA is more common than we thought. With idiot doctors like you— Adams: [snaps at House] You're wrong. [calmer] But the treatment's just ibuprofen. Closes the malformed duct. Worst-case scenario, he just doesn't get better House: No, worst-case scenario is you piss me off— Chase: You're not gonna let us save an eight-year-old because one more person might embrace religion? House: Does anyone here think my diagnosis is right? [No one moves.] Well, then I have decided for today only, to respect your opinions. We will proceed according to your diagnosis andnothing else. That's an order. Good luck. [He leaves.] [Cut to Lue’s room. Xang is shaking some bells. Taub hands Lida a clipboard.] Taub: We need to put him on the O.R. schedule. [She signs. They start to leave but the alarm on Lue’s monitor goes off.] Adams: His B.P.'s dropping. Taub: He's crashing. Call a code! Adams: [to Lida] You need to stop this! [She gestures at Xang who is still shaking the bells.] I'm giving him the ibuprofen. Dominika: Dinner's almost ready. House: I think I'll stick with the fluids tonight, thanks. Dominika: [entering] Why are you sulking? House: I'm not sulking. Dominika: Ohhh, my mistake. [She gets on the bed next to him, takes his glass and takes a sip.] Mmm. House: Either religion is klling a kid, or I am. [She looks at him for a moment then slides over and straddles him.] What are you doing? Dominika: Comforting my husband after a bad day. [She smiles and strokes his face then leans down and kisses him. He doesn’t respond. He looks terrified — too scared to even breathe.] If this is not what you want, I go back to making dinner. [He reaches up and they begin to seriously kiss. Dominika sits up and pulls off her blouse. They return to kissing when the phone rings.] House: I'm not gonna answer that. Dominika: Oh, smart man. [after more kissing] This is klling mood. [She turns toward the phone, sees the caller ID and gets excited.] U.S. citizenship! House: I'll get it. Dominika: [gets to the phone first] This is Mrs. House, please give good news, so my husband and I can go back to sex. Budmo! [Будьмо! means “Cheers!”] Is fantastic! [The person on the other end says something and her smile fades. She looks at House who drops eye contact and looks guilty.] How many notices you send me? O–okay, I–I–I… I–I come pick up naturalization certificate. Thank you for calling. [She hangs up the phone and clutches her shirt in front of her.] House: I'm sorry. [She walks out. House drops his head back on the bed. He knows he blew it.] Nurse: Dr. Adams, Dr. Taub? His vitals are improving. He's sab. Taub: He's gonna be okay. Lida: [to Xang] It worked. Adams: Um, no, it didn't. Mrs. Cheng, the medicine I administered was a long-sh*t treatment for Lue's heart, but that's what's helping him. Lida: Ibuprofen? That's for headaches. Adams: I know it seems hard to believe, but it's true. Lida: And I know this seems hard for you to believe. [to Lue] Honey… Grandpa was right. He saved you. Taub: [to Adams] There were two things we thought were impossible. One of them wasn't. That's all we know. [She wheels her suitcase to the door and stops. She seems to steel herself. The door clicks shut and House is alone again.] Park: Was I good? Chase: [He grins slightly.] Doesn't mean anything. Idea got planted. It was probably inevitable. [He pushes for the elevator again.] Park: It means something. Chase: What? Park: Well, it could mean the obvious, that you want some of this. [She gestures to her own body. He opens his eyes slightly wider and pulls his head back almost imperceptibly. The elevator arrives. They get in.] Park: When will you learn that that look is insulting? Or it could just mean that we like each other. I'm weird, and you're pretty, but we connect. We feel safe. We trust each other. Chase: [nods] Maybe. Park: [with a slight smile] Just testing my theory. [Chase laughs.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. House barges in. Wilson is leaning against the cabinets by the wall. His arms are folded and his head is tilted down. Outside it is raining heavily.] House: Adams defied me. There's one more zealot in the world. [sits on the couch] And Dominika moved out. She was fun. She was hot. She fixed my blender. That is not a metaphor. You know any good fake divorce lawyers? I am surprisingly depressed by this. [During House’s monologue Wilson pinches him lips together a few times but doesn’t interrupt.] Wilson: I have cancer. House: You were a little short with me the other day. You do need an excuse. Cancer may be overplaying it. Wilson: Stage II thymoma. I didn't want to tell you until I had it confirmed. I got the tests back this morning. I have cancer, House.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x18 - Body and Soul"}	foreverdreaming
Simon: Three, two, one. Yeah! Whoo! [They slide to the bottom, both with big grins on their faces. Simon lifts Emily onto his knee and they sit on the bottom of the slide] Simon: What do you want to do next? Uh, swings? (Emily shakes her head no and Simon mimics her) Okay. Um, crawl tube? Emily: Nah. Simon: Nah? Well, I think we're running out of options, honey. Emily: I want to go on the merry-go-round. Simon: The m — again? Emily: But this time all by myself. Simon: Oh. I don't know, jellybean. Emily: Daddy, I'm six. I'm not a baby anymore. (putting her clasped hands under her chin and looking adorable) Please? [Cut to a pinwheel booth in front of the merry-go-round. Simon is buying a ticket for the ride. He brings the ticket over to Emily, who is holding her stuffed bear] Simon: You ready? Emily: Uh-huh. Simon: All right. Come here. (squatting down) I'll take beary. (Emily reaches for the ticket, but Simon pulls it back) Mm. Now you promise you're not gonna tell mommy, right? She'll kick my butt if she finds out. Emily: Pinky swear. [They link fingers and shake] Simon: (holding out the ticket) All right. Go get 'em. [Emily enters the gate and hands her ticket to an attendant] Simon: Remember to hold on tight. Emily: I will. [Another attendant fastens the safety strap on Emily’s carousel horse. She looks back at her father and waves. Simon has his video camera ready. He waves back to her. The ride starts. Emily gives her father a big smile as she comes around the first time. He concentrates on getting her in the camera’s frame. The second time around, Emily looks like she is not feeling very well. Simon is worried. As she comes around the third time, she looks almost unaware of her surroundings and her nose is bleeding. On the fourth rotation, Simon sees that Emily is no longer on her carousel horse] Simon: (yelling) Stop the ride! [Simon drops his video camera, shoves past the ticket taker and calls out to his daughter] Simon: Emily! Emily, where are you? [He jumps onto the moving carousel, landing flat on his stomach] Simon: Em? Emily? Emily? Emily, where are you, honey? [Simon pulls himself to his feet. He spots Emily on the floor at the center of the carousel. This part of the ride is stationary. Simon jumps down to his daughter and cradles her in his arms] Simon: Oh, Em. Emily. Honey? (yelling loudly) Help me! OPENING CREDITS [Scene opens on a bright spot on a radiology film. The camera pulls back to reveal an obviously somber Wilson, who stands staring at the scan. He stands in his t-shirt, holding his button down shirt in his hands] House: (entering the room) Is that our precious little bundle of tumor? They grow up so fast, don't they? [Wilson turns around to find House limping into the room, his backpack slung across his shoulder. They appear to be in a doctor’s office in a downtown New York City hospital] Wilson: How did you know I was here? House: How do you think? Wilson: Foreman. House: Actually, that would have been easier. No, I followed you. Wilson: It didn't occur to you that that might mean I don't want you involved in my cancer treatment? House: I'm not here as a doctor. I'm here as a towering pillar of strength. Wilson: Be a pillar in the parking lot. House: No. How many times have I told you I wanted to be alone and you've made yourself a pain in the ass? I owe you. My word, not a word. Wilson: Realizing I'm most likely going to regret this, all right. [Wilson goes back to look at the radiology film on the wall. House sits down on the couch, unzips his backpack and pulls out a small liquor bottle, an aluminum canned drink and a collapsible wine cup and puts them all out on the coffee table] Wilson: What — what are you doing? House: (mixing himself a drink) My best friend has cancer. Cut me some slack. Also, spring break. I'm on vacation. (House puts an umbrella in his drink and settles back on the couch) Although looking at you now, I can tell the wet t-shirt contest is probably gonna suck. [Cut to the PPTH diagnostics dept. conference room. Taub has his hands cupped around his eyes and is peering into House’s dark office] Taub: House taking time off is a bad sign. Adams: (putting on her lab coat) "A bad sign." You think the apocalypse is coming because House wants to be there for Wilson? Taub: Yes. You're new. [Chase walks over from the kitchen area and all four team members gather around the table. Taub and Park are already sitting when Foreman enters carrying a stack of medical files. He is followed by another doctor, who is carrying a cardboard file box] Foreman: We got a case. (He starts handing out the files) Six-year-old with a nosebleed and breathing problems. She was born with a rare mutation of AT. Elizabeth: Emily has a unique variant on both of her ATM genes. Her disorder mimics AT, but not all of the symptoms. [Dr. Lawson puts the file box down on a chair] Foreman: This is Dr. Elizabeth Lawson. She's a developmental geneticist attached to JHU and an expert on the girl's condition. [Adams sits down at the table] Chase: (looking at the file) Elizabeth Lawson. Emily Lawson. Elizabeth: I'm here as a doctor, not a mother. [Chase looks at Foreman and then sits down at the table with the rest of the team] Taub: Nosebleeds and breathing problems are common symptoms of ataxia telangiectasia. Park: We could just be seeing the natural progression of— Elizabeth: (interrupting) It's not. AT patients have a life expectancy of 20 years. Emily is only six. It's something else. I examined her lungs two days ago. They're functioning normally. [Elizabeth is digging through the files in the box. She pulls out a few of them and tosses them onto the table] Adams: It says she fell off a carousel. Head trauma— Elizabeth: If the diagnosis was easy, I wouldn't need you people. I'm here because, according to Eric, you're the best. Park: We are. Have you considered Wegener's granulomatosis? Elizabeth: It's a good fit. But she can't have X-rays. AT makes her hypersensitive to ionizing radiation. I'll get her prepped for an MRI. [Elizabeth grabs a copy of her daughter’s file and leaves the room. Taub, Chase, Park, and Adams all look at Foreman] Foreman: She knows more about her daughter's genetic condition than any of you. She'll be an asset. Chase: Or she won't, Eric. Foreman: This isn't a request. Use her. [Cut back to House and Wilson sitting in front of the desk in the New York doctor’s office. Dr. Kondo sits behind his desk] Dr. Kondo: The tumor's spread to the surrounding tissue. We're gonna have to shrink it before we remove it surgically. Wilson: I'm more interested in exactly how you plan to do that, Mike. Dr. Kondo: We start conservative. Daily radiation treatments for three weeks. And, if it doesn't shrink enough after that, we'll add the chemo— Wilson: And, if it hasn't shrunk enough after that, I'm dad. Dr. Kondo: Look, you have over a 75% chance that the radiation alone is enough. Relax. Caught this in time. Wilson: Catching it in time would have been before it invde the tissue around my thymus. I want the radiation and the chemo concurrently. Dr. Kondo: Why stress your immune system unnecessarily? Let's just go with my plan, okay? The radiation first— Wilson: (getting up) I'm gonna get a second opinion. Dr. Kondo: Are you serious? Look, I've seen you recommend this exact treatment dozens of times. Wilson: We're done here. I'll look for a doctor with some actual balls. [House gets up also and starts to follow Wilson. Dr. Kondo stops him] Dr. Kondo: (to House) Hey, you need to talk to your friend. He's embarrassing himself. A doctor should be able to handle his own illness with a little bit more dignity. House: I agree with Wilson. Dr. Kondo: My recommended treatment is sound. House: No, I meant about the ball-less part. Explains the office. (House leaves the office) [Cut to Emily’s hospital room. Emily is asleep. Elizabeth and Simon are arguing] Simon: It was a merry-go-round. She's a kid, Liz. We were having fun. You should try it sometime. Elizabeth: Fun? She's six, not you. You know she has balance issues. Simon: I know that she's— [Taub clears his throat. He and Adams are standing in the doorway] Elizabeth: (to Taub and Adams) This is Emily's father, Simon. He was with her when the symptoms occurred. Simon: I had her all week. She was fine. Taub: We could come back. Elizabeth: No need. Patient's ready for transport. [Elizabeth goes to her daughter’s bed and speaks gently while stroking her hair. Emily cradles her stuffed bear in her arms] Elizabeth: Wake up, sleepy head. (She pulls a stuffed penguin out of her coat pocket and presents it to Emily) I saw it in the gift shop. I know how much you like them. [Emily looks at her father, then takes the penguin] Emily: Thanks. Elizabeth: They're gonna take you for an MRI now. Adams: (leaning over the bed) It means "magic really cool images." Emily: I thought it stood for "magnetic resonance imaging." Simon: We've spent a lot of time in hospitals. [Cut to a close-up of House] House: B-9. Wilson: ht. And I hate you. (drinking a sht of liquor) Ugh. I'm done. [Wilson and House are playing a version of “Battleship” where the looser has to drink a sht of liquor each time one of his ships is ht. They have set up their games using two pizza boxes (lunch?) with the lids between them to hide their ships/grids from one another] House: (peeking around the pizza box lids) I sunk your battleship? Wilson: (He lowers both lids so he can see House) No. But I think I'm gonna puke. House: Good. Now that you're sufficiently buzzed, what was the reason behind you freaking out on Kondo? Are you scared? In denial? Wilson: I know you get confused any time someone thinks that you're wrong, but it's not considered freaking out for a patient to ask for a second opinion. House: Okay, well, here it is. Kondo is right. You should be in radiology right now. Wilson: Well done. You've kept your word for almost (looking at his watch) two hours. House: Every day you wait, our pal toomie is growing larger in your chest. If you want to live, stop screwing around and do something about it. Wilson: Good idea. I think I'll start with spending spring break on my own. [Wilson takes his jacket and leaves the room, which might possibly be a lounge of some kind at the New York hospital] [Cut to the radiology department at PPTH. Adams and Taub sit in the control room as Emily undergoes the MRI scan] Adams: How you feeling in there, Emily? Emily: Good, I guess. Adams: Is something wrong? Emily: I was only pretending to be asleep. You think that's dishonest? Adams: Uh, that's— Taub: My daughters do that too. But they know that sometimes, when it seems like mommy and daddy are fighting, it's really only because they're worried about you. Emily: And does your wife ever want a divorce? Taub: No. Everything's fine at home. Hold still now. No more talking. Adams: What do you think of her mother? She called her daughter "the patient.” Taub: If my kids were born with an expiration date, I don't— Emily: Ow! [Taub and Adams push the button that slides the table out of the machine and rush into the main room] Emily: Ow! Ow-ee! Taub: Where does it hurt? Emily: I want my daddy. Where's my daddy? Ow! Ow! [Taub and Adams both look at Emily’s fingers, which are blue at the tips] [Cut to the diagnostics conference room, where the team and Elizabeth are running a new differential] Taub: We were able to restore circulation to her hands and feet before any permanent damage set in. Chase: Primary Raynaud's? The cold inside the MRI room could have set it off. Adams: Stress can also precipitate the condition. Elizabeth: She's shown no evidence of cold sensitivity, and she has no problems with MRI machines. Adams: There are other kinds of stress. She heard you and your husband fighting. Elizabeth: Unfortunately, she's heard a lot worse than that before. It's not stress. Taub: Could be secondary Raynaud's. Lupus is consistent with Emily's symptoms Elizabeth: Her lymph nodes aren't enlarged, and she has shown no signs of immune activation. (she pauses for a moment) It could be heavy metal poisoning. Park: From what? The carousel? She was only on it for a minute. Elizabeth: Simon moved into an old apartment building three weeks ago. I'm sure he has no idea what the insulation's made of, what kind of paint. He's a good father, but when it comes to Emily's health — (taking of her lab coat) I'm gonna get his keys and check for environmentals. Chase: Lupus is a better fit. Elizabeth: I don't mean to pull rank here, but I am her mother. Chase: I thought you said you were here as a doctor. Elizabeth: And as a doctor, I need parental consent. See above. While I'm gone, please start her on Chelation Therapy. (She leaves) Chase: She's the mother. So let's treat her like any other mother. [Cut to Chase turning on the lights in Elizabeth’s basement lab] Chase: I think we just ht the environmental mother lode. Funny she never mentioned an entire basement full of dangerous chemicals and drugs. Adams: You think she'd even let Emily down here? [Chase spots an area in the corner, which is divided off by a folding fence. It is filled with toys and Emily’s artwork] Chase: Yeah. Apparently a lot. [They continue to look around the lab. Chase awakens a computer, which has a desktop background of Emily’s baby pictures. Adams peers into a cabinet full of drug vials] Adams: You ever heard of Lex-2? Chase: Read about it. It's an experimental aminoglycoside antibiotic. Supposedly it can override DNA errors in the ATM gene. Adams: Doesn't mean she's giving it to her daughter. Anyone studying A-T would be researching it. Chase: How? You see any lab rats down here? The only cage I see is right there. (They both look at the makeshift playpen in the corner) [Cut to Wilson sitting behind his desk at PPTH with his feet propped up. His eyes are closed. House opens the door of the office. Wilson opens his eyes long enough to see that it is House, then closes them again] Wilson: Go away. I have a headache. House: (coming into the office) We don't have to have sex. Sometimes it's nice just to cuddle and talk. Me first. (He turns to face Wilson who is now paying attention) You don't want a second opinion. You're already on your fifth. You got Evans at Mercy, Shaw at County, Foster at Johns Hopkins. And every one of them has given you the same advice. You're nuts. You don't just want chemo. You want a dose so high, there's a one-in-three chance it'll kll you outright. Question is, why didn't you tell me? Because you knew I'd stop you. Which means you've already found someone insane enough or desperate enough to give you what amounts to a death dose of chemicals. (House wanders back behind Wilson’s desk) But who would be that stupid? I'm thinking that the who, is you. [With his cane, House knocks the lid off of a cardboard file box sitting against the back wall. He picks up the box, walks around to the front of the desk and sets it down on the desk. He reaches into the box and pulls out a plastic IV bag of medicine] House: (holding up the bag) Where exactly were you planning on klling yourself? 'Cause I don't think Foreman is gonna let you do it here. Wilson: My place. I've been stockpiling equipment. [House pulls a Knfe out of his pocket and flips open the blade. He is still holding the bag of meds in his other hand] Wilson: No. No! Stop. (trying to explain) I'm still healthy. Why not go the extreme route now when there's a better chance of surviving it? House: Statistically, this treatment has about the same chance of klling you as the thymoma does. But a hell of a lot faster. [Wilson picks up a small maze puzzle off his desk] Nancy Wells, cervical cancer, 70% survival rate. Died November 6, 1998; 64 years old. [He puts the puzzle down and takes a small wooden carving of a bird off of his bookshelf] Bernie Jones, melanoma, 89% survival rate. October 10, 1999. He was 52. [He puts the bird back and picks up a deep sea diver from a collection of toys on a counter behind his desk] John Taylor. Thyroid. 96% survival rate. I promised him he'd be fine. (putting the toy back) Eight years old. Wilson: (turning back to face House) I am not going to die slowly in a hospital bed under fluorescent lighting with people stopping by to gawk and lie about how I look. Even a small chance of that happening is too big a chance for me. [House tosses the meds back in the box, pockets the Knfe and picks up his cane] House: (walking toward the door) You're an idiot. And the odds say you're gonna die. [Just before he actually leaves, he turns back to Wilson] House: We'll do it at my place. (He leaves, shutting the door behind him) [Cut to Foreman’s office. Chase and Adams have brought in a vial of the Lex-2] Chase: The only environmental factors we think caused your daughter's illness are the ones you sht her full of. Elizabeth: I tested the drug. This is what I did for a living for ten years. Adams: She's your child, not a Guinea pig. Elizabeth: I tested it first. On myself. And in six months, I didn't document any adverse effects. Foreman: A trial of one is basically irrelevant. Elizabeth: Respiratory infections are common with AT. With Emily's mutation, they are deadly, and they get worse every year. Lex-2 won't be approved for at least the next five years. Emily, on the other hand, wouldn't have survived the winter. What was I supposed to do? Foreman: There's a reason for FDA requirements. A study at Jackson Memorial— Elizabeth: I know about Gaines' research. He's publishing next month. Foreman: Was. I just spoke to him. His team just linked the use of Lex-2 to renal failure in mice and rats. Chase: She needs an ultrasound guided renal biopsy to check the damage. Hopefully it's reversible. (Chase and Adams leave. Elizabeth looks devastated) [Cut to House’s living room. Wilson is applying heart monitor skin patches to his chest. House is mixing martinis. The couch has been made up into a bed and there is an IV stand beside it. The classic jazz tune A Melody From the Sky by Bunny Berigan and his Orchestra is playing in the background. Wilson zips up his swearshirt and sits down on the couch opposite House] House: (picking up his drink) To stupidity. [Wilson picks up his drink and holds it toward House to complete the toast] House: (pausing) Mm, not quite done. To muscle aches, spasms. To your joints feeling like they're being ripped out and replaced with shards of broken glass. Wilson: Should I be writing any of this down? House: Your stomach fills with bile. When you vomit, it feels like someone's forcing a white-hot hammer down your esophagus, tearing your flesh. Blood's dripping down the back of your throat, choking and gagging you with the slick, coppery taste of burnt pennies. Wilson: I am an Oncologist. I know— House: If you did, we wouldn't be sitting here. Day two: Your white blood cells are gone, opening up your system to attck. Your temperature skyrockets. One second, your skin feels like it's on fre. The next second, it's entombed in ice. Every pain sensor in your body is fring at the same time until agony isn't even a word or a concept — it's your only reality. You hallucinate. You dream of death. And then the race begins. Can your body claw its way back in time before the hostile organisms and parasites claim you permanently? Win, you live. Lose, you die. (He takes a sip of his martini) Now, what are we doing here, Wilson? [Wilson still looks determined. He picks up the plastic bag of chemo meds and hands it to House, who looks scared] [Cut to Chase performing an ultrasound on Emily. Simon sits at her bedside and holds her hand. Elizabeth stands at the bottom of the bed] Chase: Kidney number one looks good. Which means we'll probably take the biopsy from two. Simon: Hey, you're doing great. Brave as always. [Emily looks up at the screen] Chase: Pretty cool, eh? You want to try? [She nods and starts to take the ultrasound wand, but then puts her hand on her chest] Elizabeth: What's wrong? Emily: My chest hurts. [A monitor starts beeping. Elizabeth takes Simon’s place beside the bed. Emily sits up, coughs and groans. She is bleeding from the mouth] Chase: It's definitely not her kidneys. [Chase uses his stethoscope to listen to Emily’s heart] [Cut to House’s apartment. House limps into the living room carrying a bowl. There is an old black and white movie playing on the TV] House: Promise this'll taste just as good coming up as it did going down. [House hands the bowl to Wilson, and supporting his bad thigh picks a wastebasket up off the floor before sitting down on the couch beside Wilson] Wilson: If things go wrong, I just want you to know— House: If you're gonna say that you've always been secretly gay for me, everyone always just kind of assumed it. Wilson: I just want you to know… that I appreciate the risk you're taking… Pumping a human being full of lethal chemicals in your living room. If I die, it probably won't go over well with your probation officer. House: That's not gonna be an issue. Wilson: I'm glad at least one of us is confident. House: Not me. I've already identified a couple of spots to dump your body if this goes south. Wilson: I've always enjoyed Trinity Park. House: It does have a nice access to the lake. [Wilson’s hand shakes as he tries to pick up the spoon in the bowl] House: Muscle spasms already? Wilson: No. It's nothing really. House: Good news. Takes most people two bags to get to that stage. You're way ahead of schedule. [The camera pans up to the bag of chemo meds hanging from the IV pole. It appears to be half full] [Cut to a short time into the future. The IV is still dripping, and Wilson does not look at all well] Wilson: You'll think it's stupid. House: That hasn't stopped you before. Wilson: I just always thought, when I got old or sick, I'd have a wife or kids to look after me. House: (coming out of the kitchen) And in this scenario, are your loving wife and kids holding the life support cord, or are they thumbing through your will? (House stops behind the couch) I'm in it, right? Wilson: Mm. House: You have everything you need right here. We both do. [Wilson looks up at House, who holds out a syringe] House: Painkiller. Industrial strength. Level: Awesome. [House plops down on the couch from behind and connects the shared IV line to a port in his arm, which he must have already prepared] House: We're on vacation. [House reaches back to press the button, which will start the pain medication drip. They both lie back on the couch and enjoy the effects of the pain meds] Wilson: Aahh! That is nice. [Cut to the door of House’s empty office. The camera pans down the hallway to the conference room. Dr. Elizabeth Lawson and the team are running a new differential] Chase: Her kidneys are fine. I don't think we're looking at side effects from the Lex-2. Adams: She's prone to respiratory infection. Pneumonia? Elizabeth: No persistent cough, chills, or excess sweating. Taub: What about a pulmonary embolism? Park: Fits coughing up blood, but a clot. From what? Taub: Bruising from when she fell off the carousel. Contusion damages a deep vein, causes a clot. A piece breaks off, travels to her lungs. Elizabeth: We need to get her on heparin now. Another embolism could cause a heart attck or a stroke. [Everybody’s pagers start beeping] Elizabeth: What's wrong? Is it Emily? Park: (looking at her pager) Sort of. [Cut to the main lobby of PPTH where Simon is signing Emily out of the hospital. Emily sits in a wheelchair] Elizabeth: You can't do this. Simon: I'm taking her to Mercy. Everything you people have done has just made her worse. Elizabeth: You don't have the right. We have joint custody. Simon: Where was my right when you were treating our daughter like a lab rat? Elizabeth: She'd be dad if I hadn't. Chase: Stop it. Your daughter deserves better than this. [Emily sits with her hands over her ears. Elizabeth goes over to Emily and squats down beside her] Elizabeth: It's okay, sweetie. Simon: Mommy and I are just gonna talk. Okay? [Emily nods] Chase: (to Emily) You want to get some candy? [Chase wheels Emily away from her parents, leaving Taub to explain the latest theory to Simon] Taub: We believe Emily has a clot in her lungs. If you leave now, she could die before her new doctors are even up to speed. Simon: From her AT? Taub: From the fall off the carousel. [Simon, feeling guilty, turns his back on Taub and Elizabeth for a moment] Elizabeth: Now can we just stop blaming each other and do the right thing here? Simon: (turning to face her) You're really gonna equate the two? Elizabeth: No, you were giving her two minutes of fun. I was trying to save her life. Simon: What's her best friend's name? What's the name of her favorite teacher? Why does she hate that stuffed animal you gave her? She's been having nightmares about penguins all month. [Simon heads off to find his daughter, but Elizabeth stops him] Elizabeth: What's her blood type? Rh factor? Her serum immunoglobulin levels? Simon: I don't care. I don’t care. Those are letters and numbers. That's not her. Elizabeth: What about the variant in her E-14 ATM intergenic promoter region? Because that's what's klling our daughter. Unless I can find a way to reactivate it. Simon: Just make her better. [Cut to the IV line going into Wilson’s arm. There are two tubes going into the line. Wilson is asleep and looks very sick. He wakes up and groans] John: You don't look too good mister. [Wilson struggles to sit up and tries to focus on a boy sitting in the corner of the room. He is hallucinating] Wilson: How did you get in here? John: The door. Are you, like, sick or something? Wilson: Where's House? Where are your parents? (the boy shrugs) Oh, I know you. You live in the building, right? What's your name? John: You don't remember? Wilson: (calling out) House. [Wilson tries to stand, but falls back down on the couch. The boy is now holding the deep-sea diver toy which Wilson keeps in his office] John: You promised me I'd go home again, Dr. Wilson. [Wilson finally makes the connection. He groans and covers his face with his hands] John: You said it wasn't my fault. Wilson: (not looking up) It wasn't, John. John: If I didn't do nothing wrong, why did I die? Wilson: (crying out in pain) I don't know. (looking up at John) I shouldn't have done this. (pausing) Am I dad? [John holds out his arm to Wilson. Reality returns and it is House reaching out to put his hand on Wilson’s shoulder] House: Not yet. It just feels that way. Are you okay? I mean, apart from the pain, vomiting, diarrhea, and cramps? [House is sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch. Wilson lies back down. He groans and looks at House] [Cut to the radiology dept. at PPTH. Emily is once again in the MRI machine. Taub, Park and Elizabeth are in the control room] Taub: I worked six months in a research lab after med school. You get so focused. Once I didn't eat for two days. It's easy to forget what actually matters. Elizabeth: I didn't. Yeah, it sucks I got her the wrong doll, but… Park: Good news. Emily's lungs are clear. No clot. Elizabeth: And bad news. We still don't know what's happening to her. Taub: (looking at Emily on the monitor) Whatever it is, there's liver involvement. Her eyes are jaundiced. Her liver's failing. [Cut to Elizabeth’s clenched fists resting on the conference room table] Taub: We found a blockage in her hepatic vein, which is restricting blood flow to her liver. Park: Polycythemia vera? Adams: Red blood counts are normal. Could be some sort of connective tissue disorder. Elizabeth: What if — what if we're just seeing the end result of her condition? She's unique. One screwed-up gene from each of us. Taub: Let's stick with our process. Elizabeth: I shouldn't be here. (She leaves) Chase: What are we missing? Taub: Advanced Lyme disease. Park: Would have seen it in the blood. Chase: He said advanced. We wouldn't pick it up in her blood if it's in her organs and nervous system now. It fits everything but the nosebleed. Park: But why is it attacking now, all at once? What's changed? Adams: Elizabeth has. She stopped giving Emily the Lex-2. It's an aminoglycoside antibiotic. It's what was keeping the Lyme in check. Chase: We need to start her on amoxicillin. (Chase leaves) [Cut to Wilson’s sweaty face] Wilson: Mm. [He groans and motions to House, who holds a bucket in front of Wilson and steadies his head as he vomits. Wilson groans again. House mops his face with a cloth] Wilson: You lied. Doesn't taste better coming back up. House: Here's another one. You look good. Wilson: What's the white blood cell count? House: It's down to 1,000, still dropping. Wilson: I need more morphine. House: We're out. You've been using my personal supply of painkillers for the last eight hours. [House shakes two Vicodin out of a bottle and puts them in Wilson’s mouth, one at a time] Wilson: You have — you have enough for both of us? House: I've got enough stashed around here for a minyan. [A “minyan” in Judaism refers to the quorum required for certain religious obligations. The traditional minyan for most cases consists of ten men.] [He holds a glass of water to Wilson’s mouth so that he can wash the pills down] Wilson: (he groans as he props himself up enough to drink) Mm. House: Just remember they're a gift. So it's rude to keep throwing them up. Found that out with those candlesticks you got me. [House limps into the kitchen, stumbling along the way. His leg is obviously hurting quite a bit. He spills the Vicodin out onto the counter. There are six pills left. He starts to take one, then looks back toward Wilson in the living room and takes a long swig of whiskey instead] [Cut to Elizabeth sitting next to Emily’s hospital bed, holding her hand. Simon sits in a chair on the other side of the bed. Chase and Adams enter the room] Chase: We think it's Lyme. [Simon stands and goes to his daughter’s bedside] Elizabeth: I would have seen signs of that. Adams: Not if the Lex-2 was keeping it in check. Elizabeth: We live in the city. We don't have pets. She's never even been in the woods. Emily: Yes, I have. With daddy. [They all look at Simon] Simon: (sighing) I should have told you, but I know how you feel about it. I grew up hunting with my dad. I wanted to share it with my daughter, at least once. Emily: We only took pictures. You don't need to be mad. Adams: Maybe we should step outside. Elizabeth: No. We can't protect her from everything. (putting up the bed rail) I assume you'll need a lumbar puncture to confirm. [Cut to an agitated Wilson. He groans, pulls out the IV line, then rolls off the couch and attempts to stand. He falls onto the floor and starts to crawl] House: You lost a contact? [Speaking to Wilson from the chair where he has been sitting vigil] Wilson: (not looking up) Going to the little boy's room. House: They're called adult diapers for a reason. Use it. [House limps heavily over to Wilson and starts to help him up. Wilson slaps him away] Wilson: I did, and if you think I'm gonna let you change me— House: (trying again to help Wilson up) It's okay. I'm a doctor. [Wilson slaps House away, more forcefully this time. House backs off] Wilson: Hey! Just leave me alone. [Wilson groans and lies down on the floor, rolling over onto his back] Wilson: It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. An oncologist with cancer. Of all the things that could be klling me… It's like the universe is giving me the big middle finger. House: (gingerly sitting down on the floor beside Wilson) The universe doesn't care— Wilson: (angrily) Why me? I'm always telling my patients not to trture themselves, because there's no answer. House: Sound advice. Wilson: (breathing heavily) It's cruel advice. They were just trying to make sense of what was happening to them, and I'm there telling them not to bother? I should have spent my life being more like you. Should have been a manipulative, self-centered, narcissistic ass, who brought misery to everything and everyone in his life. House: You'd still have cancer. Wilson: Yeah! But at least I'd feel like I deserved it. [Cut to Chase and Adams preparing the lumbar puncture on Emily] Emily: Do you think my parents will get back together? Chase: I don't know. I'm sure they love each other, but— Emily: They only fight about me. Adams: That's because they care so much. Emily: So maybe when I die, they'll get back together. [Chase has just finished the lumbar puncture, when Emily’s arm flops down on the bed] Adams: Emily, what's wrong? Emily: I can't move my arm. [They roll Emily over onto her back. Adams examines her eyes with a lightscope. Chase raises her arms] Chase: Just keep your arms up for me. [Emily’s arms flop back onto the bed and a monitor starts beeping. A nurse and Emily’s parents run into the room] Simon: What's happening to her? Chase: She's having a stroke. [Cut to House holding a pan for Wilson as he vomits. The heart monitor starts beeping. Wilson holds an oxygen mask to his face] House: Okay, your heart rate's up, BP's tnk. White blood count's At 500. We have to go to the hospital now. Wilson: No. House: I don't have the equipment or the meds to handle this. Wilson: No. Win or lose. Win or lose. That was the deal. House: (clearly worried) That was the deal when there was an "or". You can't win this. Wilson: (shaking his head) No. No. I'd rather die here. (crying) Not in an ambulance. Not in a hospital. Please, you can't do that to me. I can't — (Wilson grabs a fistful of House’s t-shirt. House places his hand on Wilson’s head) House… Please. Promise me that you won't do that to me. Promise me. House: Okay, I promise. [Wilson relaxes a bit and breathes from the oxygen mask. House turns off the monitor alarm] [Cut to the team running a new differential outside Emily’s hospital room] Chase: Stroke. Blockage in her hepatic vein, coughing blood, trouble breathing, and Raynaud's. Park: If we hadn't already ruled it out, it sounds like textbook pulmonary embolism. Chase: What mimics a clot but isn't a clot? Taub: Fungal infection. Adams: Her CSF was clean. No bacterial or fungal markers. Anyone tried calling House? Taub: Not picking up. Park: Or returning messages or texts. Chase: We're on our own here, so just give me some theories we can use. Park: Hematologic malignancies. AT patients are more prone to that form of cancer. Taub: You think cancer would present and kll her in three days Chase: Not cancer. But a tumor could act like a clot. An atrial myxoma. [A computer-generated graphic of the problem is displayed as Chase explains it to Emily’s parents in her room] Chase: A primary heart tumor. The swinging motion of the myxoma intermittently blocked the flow of blood through the right atrium. Inflow blockage stagnated the hepatic vein, which clotted and caused liver failure. Outflow blockage caused the Raynaud's phenomenon and stroke. Pieces of the tumor broke off and lodged in the lungs, causing Emily’s breathing problems and the coughing blood. We'll remove the tumor surgically, and hopefully the biopsy reveals it's benign. [Cut to a clear sunrise, then to Wilson’s right arm; the arm into which the chemo medicine is flowing. He appears to be sleeping peacefully. House is asleep in a nearby chair. He wakes up as Wilson begins to stir. House limps over to the couch and hands Wilson a glass of water] Wilson: (sounding a bit better) Wow. You — you really look like crap. House: (nodding) Been fighting a cold lately. Seven to ten days for the swelling to go down. Then we rescan and schedule the surgery. [Wilson takes a sip of water as House goes to the window and opens the drapes, letting much needed sunshine into the room] Wilson: I seem to recall, I said some things to you— House: You talked a lot. I stopped listening after you confessed your fear of dolphins. Can we just tone down the bromance a few notches? My leg is k*lling me. [House leans heavily on his piano and rubs his right thigh] Wilson: (sitting up on the couch) One last favor. I'd like to actually make it to the bathroom this time. [House leans down so that they can grab onto one another, then helps Wilson onto his feet. House helps Wilson to the bathroom, stumbling once and holding onto the radiator in the hallway] Wilson: I thought you said you had plenty of Vicodin. House: Everybody lies. Wilson: So the way I felt, you feel that, what, most of the time? It really does suck being you, doesn't it? House: At least I don't have cancer. [The reach the bathroom. House helps Wilson inside then closes the door] [Cut back to Emily’s hospital room. Simon lies on the bed with Emily, reading to her. Elizabeth gets up from a chair as Chase and Adams enter the room] Chase: The tumor was benign. Adams: And we were able to remove all of it. Emily: Does this mean I'm not sick anymore? Elizabeth: (sitting down on the bed) No, honey. The tumor didn't cause your genetic condition. You're still sick. Simon: But we never let that stop us before, right? So what do you want to do when we get out of here? Chase: Have you been to the aquarium? It's pretty cool. Emily: Can we go, daddy? Simon: You bet. Elizabeth: Me too? Emily: Can she come with us? Simon: You know mommy never has to ask. [Cut to House and Wilson getting off the 4th floor elevator at PPTH. Wilson is wearing a shirt and tie and looks much better] Wilson: I'll see you at lunch. (Burst out laughin when he sees loads of hilarious pictures of him and gorgeous girlies taken by House while he was sleeping tight after the chimio.)	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x19 - The C Word"}	foreverdreaming
Orderly (reading a file): Dr. Treiber… Treiber: I'm cold. OPENING CREDITS Wilson: Yes, it's mine. And yes, I know that I can't drive stick. And no, I don't care that I parked in a handicapped spot. House: "Staring death in the face has changed my life." What a cliché. Wilson: The cliché is to lead a more meaningful life. I've taken a holy vow to lead a less meaningful one. I've spent my life caring, giving, and searching for the profound. Now it's time for selfishness, indifference, and embracing the shallow. [He pushes a button on the car remote but activates the horn instead of locking the car. Then it is the car’s trunk, which opens. Wilson pushes it down. They both walk side by side to the elevator. House: Your scan's in three days. Tell me this isn't just you klling time until you find out if your cancer's gonna kll it for you. Wilson: I just paid $75,000 for a ridiculously impractical car, the depth of shallowness. And tomorrow, I'm driving it to Cleveland to meet my boyhood crush. House: The years have not been kind to David Cassidy. Wilson: Julie Christie. Dr. Zhivago, Shampoo. I was precocious. She's opening some kind of charity animal clinic or something. I'm neglecting my patients to fulfill a silly fantasy. Textbook selfishness and indifference. House: Or you've made sure that your patients are well-covered, the car is a rental, and while waiting to get Julie Christie's autograph, you'll adopt a puppy. [To the elevator.] Wilson: I don't even care whether you believe me or not. [As the elevator doors close, Wilson does nothing to stop them whereas a man is running towards them to catch the ride.] Indifference. [Cut to Diagnostics room. House is sitting on the couch, feet on the coffee table, and reading a file. Foreman is standing in front of him. The team is sitting around the table.] Foreman: He tried to cut open his own skull. Head CT and tox screen were clean. House: Interesting. Cotard delusion. Also known as "walking corpse syndrome." Disconnect in the amygdala convinces you that you're secretly dad. Case solved. [He closes the file, hands it to Foreman and gets up to go to the coffee machine.] Rendering it… What's the past tense of "interesting?" Foreman: No prior history of mental illness, and before you say it was caused by antivirals, I've already ruled that out. Plus, Cotard's doesn't explain the paresthesia in his hand. Also… Treiber won't let any other doctor near him. He trusts your work. Chase (surprised): Treiber's the patient? House (finally convinced): What's the future tense of "interesting"? [Foreman drops the files on the table and leaves the room.] Park: How's Wilson doing? House: Wilson's scan is at the end of the week. If his kick-ass chemo shrunk the tumor to an operable size, he'll live. If it didn't, he'll die. Adams: That must be very hard. Is there anything we can do? House: Other than the prayer circle, what is there? Adams: Patient's AST is high. Psychosis could be brought on by liver failure. Maybe Hep C? House (holding a cup of coffee): Bilirubin and serum protein levels were normal. Doesn't explain the tingly hand or why Chase hates him. Chase: I don't hate him. He hates me. Taub: He hates all doctors, and it's mutual. Park: He only hates the ones that screw up. And you. And they only hate Treiber because he finds their mistakes. [Chase turns on the laptop in front of him. It looks like he suddenly had an idea.] Taub: Mistakes are a wee bit easier to find on a dad patient, a distinction he fails to recognize. He's a rat. Park: Who makes the hospital a safer place by keeping doctors accountable and focused. [She tries to shut down Chase’s laptop but he stops her from doing so.] Chase: What if he got something from a cadaver? Adams: He handles a lot of 'em. You suggesting we DDX them all? Chase: No, just his last one. [reading on the screen.] She had bad knees. She used dimethyl sulfoxide for joint pain. Current from the defibrillator could've converted it to dimethyl sulfate. When Treiber cut into her, her blood released toxic fumes. Taub: Everyone in the basement would be sick. House (walking to the table): Gas would've dissipated quickly. Park: His lungs are fine. Blood clots make more sense. One in his hand explains the paresthesia, one in his carotid explains the psychotic episode. House (sitting down): You two look for toxic exposure. Adams, you can help Chase ultrasound his evil nemesis for evil clots. [The team gets up and leaves the room.] [Cut to a procedure room. Chase and Adams perform the ultrasound on Treiber. Treiber has a bandage around the head; he is lying on a bed.] Treiber: I know House doesn't like seeing his patients, but doesn't a fellow doctor rate an exception? Adams: Psychosis appears to be intermittent. Treiber: Just snapped out of it long enough to ask if House actually ordered this test. Chase: Don't worry. We're simply carrying out his direct orders. Treiber: Right. Forgot. It's what you were hired to do. Which is fine, his diagnostic error metric is .17 compared to the hospital average of .32. Adams: You actually think you can quantify the value of every doctor? Treiber: Someone should. And since I'm the only one who sees everything— Chase: Right, you were hired to diagnose people after they're already dad. Adams (looking at the ultrasound screen): No sign of stenosis or clots. [Cut to the morgue, Park and Taub are wearing white hazmat suits. Park is standing in front of the whiteboard chart, impressed. Taub is using a microscope.] Park: Every doctor, every diagnosis, every treatment, every result. It's pretty impressive. Taub: It's pretty Orwellian. All written in his secret code. Park: He has to keep it confidential. Taub: Just like the Wannsee conference. Park: The "Big Brother" metaphor wasn't pointed enough for you? You had to throw in htler? [She approaches Taub.] A couple years ago, he noticed a link in child deaths, and it's completely changed hospital policies all over— Taub: I get it. Treiber is nerd king. The more people we kll, the more lives he saves. Test is negative for dimethyl sulfate, her blood is not toxic. [He stands up.] Park: Then we should look for toxic exposure from something else. Taub: You really think the hospital is idiotic enough to issue toxic supplies? Park: Have you seen his tools? [She holds up a Knfe.] Treiber doesn't always use hospital-issue. Taub: Then he's the idiot? Park: No, but I don't want to explain that assumption to House. [As Taub takes off his gloves to put them in the bin, he notices something in it. Park also notices something under a shelf.] Taub and Park (together): Found something. [He is holding a couple of empty energy drink cans while she is holding a whole case of them.] [Cut to House’s office. House is sitting with his feet on the desk, wearing his glasses and reading a book. Wilson comes in.] Wilson: Thought we'd make it a road trip. '80s music, junk food, beer. House: I have a dental appointment. That I'm going to make now. [He reaches for the phone.] Wilson: Ah. I'll let you drive. House: Not worth listening to you whine about your feelings and fears for three days. Wilson: It's not gonna happen. I've taken a vow. House: People don't change. You are a person, ergo, pass. Wilson: Yes, that's why I brought this. [He shows him a small bottle.] 20 CCs of propofol. You can accompany me willingly, or I will, when you least expect it, inject the contents of this vial into your bloodstream. The fall might result in a concussion, or fractures, or you might get lucky and simply wake up somewhere near Allentown with a nasty headache. The choice is yours, and in case you've forgotten, I am indifferent. We leave tomorrow morning at 8:00 a.m. Chase: No clots. Park: No gas. Taub: But we found enough of this… [He throws a can of the energy drink to House who grabs it.] …to reanimate the entire morgue. He's jacked on caffeine. House: Stimulant psychosis. How many times do I have to solve this case? Adams: So all we have to do is hydrate and observe him for 24 hours. House (to Chase): Why don't you tell him it was your idea? [He throws him the can.] He might warm up to you. If you get an ear in the mail, it's probably mine. [House grabs his backpack and leaves his office.] Treiber: My abdomen! It's my abdomen! Park: It's just the effects of withdrawal. The pain is normal. Treiber: No! No! This isn't right! [Cut to Diagnostics room. Chase is leading the conversation of the team on the case. House is not there.] Chase: Abdominal pain and distention means we were wrong about stimulant psychosis. Park: It could be coexistent problems. He might just have an obstruction. Adams: You know what House says about coincidences. I didn't feel any masses when I examined him, and no bowel sounds. [Taub comes in the room.] Taub: Where's House? Adams: He hasn't come in yet, and neither has Wilson. I've already tried them three times. Taub: Here we go again. Diabetes could cause nerve damage in his hand and guts, and— Park: Except his glucose levels are normal, and he probably would've mentioned he was a diabetic. Chase: What about ulcerative colitis? Earlier attcks caused thrombosis— Adams: We already looked for clots, and there was no blood in his stool. [Taub makes himself a cup of coffee. Nobody has an answer to give.] Taub: Try him again. Taub (holding up both phones): And Wilson's. Chase: Wherever they are, they don't want to be disturbed. House (reading a map): We take 78, we can do the "sweet treats and salty eats snack food trail." Wilson: My trip, my itinerary. We have to cover 300 miles today to be there with plenty of time to catch Julie by 4:00 tomorrow. And that thing I said about letting you drive, I lied. Wilson: What? House: I'm–I'm impressed. Not by that. But by your real effort to maintain the facade. It's been almost an hour, and there's been no mention of the elephant in the car. Wilson: Well, I declined the elephant option. House: Uh-huh. In three days, you're gonna find out if you live or die. You don't want to talk about it. Wilson: No, but obviously you do. House: So, we're gonna talk about it, but because I want to. Wilson: I am neither talking about it, nor talking about not talking about it. House: You are hard-wired to talk about it. It's how you cope, it's who you are. Wilson: Yeah, well, from now on, I'm not me. I'm… I'm… Kyle Calloway. House: I thought your prn name was Rusty Packard. Wilson: Kyle is roguish, carefree, and shares no qualities with James Wilson. House: Can Kyle drive stick? [Wilson accelerates and the corvette continues its journey on an empty highway.] ♪♫ And I'm sure I've had enough ♪♫ she sends me comfort coming in from above [Cut to Wilson’s office where the team is still deciding on their next move.] Adams: Treiber won't let us do anything without House. Chase: House just took himself off the case. You said no bowel sounds when you examined him. "No" like diminished, or none at all? Park: None. Taub: You think it's an intussusception? Chase: If it is, it could mean cancer's behind everything. Let's get a plain film of his abdomen. Adams (pissed): Treiber will refuse any procedure that wasn't ordered by House. Chase: Only if he knows it wasn't. Taub: You want to lie to a guy whose favorite pastime is getting doctors fired. Chase: We're adults with advanced medical training, not children left alone with scissors. It's one X-ray. [He gets out of the office, leaving his teammates behind.] [Cut to a roadside diner called “The New Olymous Diner: Home of the Big One”. House and Wilson are sitting at a table, looking at the menu.] House: If we had a phone, we could've found somewhere a little less charming. Wilson: If we had a phone, you'd be making calls, downloading prn, and playing Angry Birds. This trip is about me, and I like this place. House: This is not about you not wanting me to have a phone. You're weak. You knew that you'd backslide and spend your time talking to teary ex-wives and your parents, trying to make them feel better about you being sick. [The waitress approaches them.] Bacon burger with fries looks awful. I'll have that. Wilson: I'll have the Big One. [The waitress looks at House to confirm, with a surprised look.] Waitress: You sure? It's $79. Wilson: Unless I finish it in an hour, in which case, it's free. House (holding up the menu): It's an 80-ounce steak. Wilson: I'm hungry. And an iced tea, please. Waitress (screaming toward the kitchen): Big One's up! [Everyone in the diner turns around to see who ordered it.] House: This place doesn't take credit cards. Wilson: My meal is going to be free, and I'm going to be inducted into the wall of pain. [He points at the wall where there are pictures of all the people who were able to eat the steak in the given time. There is also a digital clock showing 0:00 for now.] House (smiling): Hello, Kyle. [Cut to Treiber’s room. He is holding his abdomen in pain. Chase and Taub are showing commenting on the X-ray scans put up on the portable screen by the bed.] Taub: Belly film was normal. No sign of an intussusception or any other obstruction. Trieber: House says it's there. Chase: Sometimes House is wrong. Treiber: Run my bowel. Taub: That's serious surgery. General anesthesia, long recovery… Chase: We can do a contrast enema if you need more proof. Treiber: I have drawers filled with people who had clean scans. I know how easy it is to miss something unless you use your own hands and eyes; Run my bowel. Chase: We'll let House know how you feel. Treiber: How I feel is twisted in white-hot agony. His orders were to look for an intussusception. Until you actually do that, I refuse any other tests. Chase: Fine. [He turns off the screen and heads for the door.] Taub: Uh, no. Not fine. We need to talk— Treiber (to Chase): And I want you to do the surgery. [Chase stops.] Statistically, you're the best surgeon in the hospital. [Cut to the diner. All the people are gathered around Wilson who has the mouth full of grease. It looks like he already had to much to eat. House is sitting beside him, cutting the steak in small pieces for Wilson.] Crowd (chanting): Kyle! Kyle! Kyle! House: Come on, you got this! You got this! Come on! [A look at the clock: 25 seconds left for Wilson to finish his meal.] Waitress: 25 seconds. House: You've got this. Come on, home stretch, Kyle, home stretch! Waitress: 15 seconds! [Chanting continues. House feeds Wilson with another bite of steak.] House: Now, don't chew, just swallow. Just muscle it down! Waitress: Six, five… four… House (screaming): For the love of God, swallow! [He glances at the clock.] Waitress: Three, two, one…Time! [The diner is suddenly silent. Wilson opens his mouth to prove that he ate the whole thing. The crowd cheers. House is ecstatic!] House: Yes! Yes! Oh, you magnificent bastard! [He hugs Wilson.] Waitress (holding a camera): Yeah. Smile! [But Wilson ends up throwing up. The crowd lets out its disappointment.] House (to the waitress): That still counts, though, right? [Cut to the procedure room. Orderlies wheel in Treiber who is on a gurney. Chase is ready for the surgery; he needs to check on his patient first.] Treiber: No hard feelings, right? Chase: You'll find out when you wake up. If you really think I'm a good doctor, why do you treat me like an idiot? Treiber: It's not because you lack talent. It's 'cause you've wasted it. Did you know I applied to be a fellow with House the same year as you? Chase: No. Treiber: Quit my other program, relocated, broke up with my girlfriend. Then your father made a call, and suddenly you had the spot. Chase: That was almost ten years ago. Treiber: Do you know what I could've done after even three years with House? Gone to the CDC, W.H.O. Started a diagnostics department someplace they'd never even heard of such a thing. You've been given everything. Looks, talent, my future. Nine years later, look what you've done with it. [Treiber is all prepped; they take him out of the room. Chase is left speechless.] [Cut to the diner’s washrooms. We hear a toilet flush. House is cleaning his tennis shoes; he has got vomit on it! Wilson approaches him and tries to clean up a bit, over the sink.] Wilson: Ah… House: Must be nice to be puking for the old-fashioned reasons. Wilson: Ah. I'm glad I did it. You see those people out there cheering for me? I was a hero. For one fleeting moment, for an incredibly stupid reason, for a bunch of morons I'll never see again. God, it felt good. And now, if you'll excuse me. I think I've made room for dessert. [Wilson exits the washrooms. House still has the concern look on his face.] [Cut to the operating room. Chase is doing the surgery and Taub is assisting him.] Chase: How long do you think you'll work for House? Taub: As long as he lets me. Chase: When House was in prison, you worked at Mercy in plastics, right? Know what I did? Surfed. For nine months. Taub: Yes, and if I didn't have two daughters and alimony, I might have done the same. Chase: A fellowship's supposed to train you to stand on your own. Foreman's Dean of the hospital, Cameron's head of emergency medicine in Chicago. Taub: And Kutner and Amber are dad, and Thirteen is having sweet, sapphic sex on some island. Chase: Look at this. The small intestine. [He is holding it in his hands.] Taub: Is it an intussusception? Chase: No. Taub; Guess Treiber was right. [Cut to House’s office. Adams is on the phone and Park is in front of the computer.] Adams: He hasn't checked his voicemail. Taub: Or his email. Park: It's been almost 24 hours. Shouldn't we call Foreman or the police? I think this makes him a fugitive. Chase (who is sitting on the ottoman): We don't have to tell anyone. Treiber's symptoms started in his frontal lobe, and moved through his nervous system, hands, bowels, muscles. Park: Intermittent porphyria. Chase: He's in the middle of an attck. The longer we wait to treat with hemin, the more damage it causes. Adams: The longer we wait to tell him House isn't running the case, the more damage that causes. It's fraud. Chase: It's only an issue if we're wrong. Adams: It's more than one X-ray. More than exploratory surgery, even. This is a drug that will damage him if you're wrong. Chase: Same principle. [He leaves the room.] [Cut to the car. Wilson and House are once again on the road. Steppenwolf's Rock Me is playing.] ♪♫ she asked me maybe I could share her sorrow Wilson: I want a threesome. House: Shouldn't we try a twosome first? Wilson: Two women. House: Oh. Wilson: I know they're probably overrated, and I'll probably be gravely disappointed, but I want one anyway. House: No, you don't. Wilson: Well, Kyle wants one. House: Kyle's only one day old. He doesn't know what he wants. I don't want to think about consequences. I don't want to think about — I don't want to think about anything. I just want to… do. [House gives him a resigned look.] ♪♫ Rock me, baby, rock me, baby ♪♫ all night long ♪♫ rock me, baby House: okay. I need you to do exactly what I tell you. ♪♫ Rock me, baby, all night long ♪♫ rock me, baby, rock me, baby Wilson (smiling): Yeah, yeah. [Cut to Treiber’s room. Chase is filling up a syringe for an injection.] Treiber: Porphyria? Chase: I know the anesthesia makes it hard to focus, but we need to start you on hemin right away. [Treiber stares at Chase.] House believes very strongly. This is the right call. Treiber: Okay. [Cut to a bar. House sits down with two bottles of beer. Wilson is wearing a bald cap to look sicker.] Wilson: This thing is peeling. House: Well, that is the cost of cowardice. Should've gone for the real thing. Wilson: I feel like I'm cheating. House: A, it is only cheating if you don't have cancer, and B, it's Wednesday afternoon. Pickings are slim, and more importantly, sober. The cancer cut is the surest way to the pity pooty party. [He puts a baseball cap on Wilson’s head. Then he looks intensively at a young woman sitting at the bar.] One down, one to go. Wilson (looking in the same direction): What? Wait, wait, wait. She said yes? To a threesome? House: She's empathetic. Wilson (suspicious): She's a hooker. House: Gave me a cancer rate. Wilson: No. I have never paid for sex in my life. House: You still haven't. It's my treat. It's either that, or you find two very open-minded women to fall in love with you in the next hour. [Wilson looks at his watch, then notices the bartender.] Wilson: Bartender seems nice. House: Seems female. [As she is cleaning nearby tables, the bartender turns to Wilson and House.] Waitress: Want something to eat? House: My friend is dying of cancer. Bartender: Oh, you poor thing. It took my mother two years ago. But you can't give up hope. [She pats him on the shoulder.] House: He's pretty much resigned. Just wants to go out with a bang. And another pun, what time do you get off? [She smiles at them.] [Cut to Treiber’s room. Chase comes in as Adams is checking on Treiber who has trouble breathing.] Adams: Pleural effusions. It's not porphyria. Chase: We're gonna need to put in a chest tube. Treiber: I wanna talk to House. Adams: We'll tell him exactly what's happening. Treiber: I wanna talk to him! [He stops Chase from touching him.] I want House. [He gets angrier.] Where is House? Where is he? Where's House? Chase: We don't know. [Cut to a motel parking lot. It’s the morning. House is asleep in the car, cap covering his eyes. Wilson comes out of a hotel room and knocks on the window, waking up House. His bald cap is torn up. House opens the window.] Wilson: You didn't have to sleep out here. House (in a sleepy voice): Four's a crowd. Wilson: Apparently they left a long time ago. House: So, how was it? Was the amateur as good as the pro? Wilson: It was confusing. Perfunctory. A bit sad. House: Never mind. Wilson: And exactly what I needed. [Looking grateful] Thank you. [House nods.] You feel like buying me breakfast? One of them stole my wallet. [Cut to Foreman’s office. He is pacing. The team is sitting around a table.] Foreman (pissed): You're lucky he's not pressing charges. Chase: Porphyria was a legitimate call. Taub: Until the pleural effusions. Chase: We've done everything House would've done if he'd been here. Foreman (angry): You lied to a patient. [Chase doesn’t care.] Treiber's condition is declining rapidly. He's agreed to let me take over the case. Dr. Chase will have no further contact with the patient. Chase: Fine. [He gets up to leave but Foreman stops him.] Foreman: I didn't say you were off the case. Sit down. [Chase obeys.] Ordered a cardiac MRI. [He hands the team files.] Enlargement of the left ventricle suggests an infiltrative disease. Taub: It's sarcoidosis. Foreman: We'll start him on corticosteroids and do a cardiac biopsy to confirm. Chase: I disagree. I was wrong about the porphyria, but I wasn't wrong about the nervous system. It's a prion disease. That's why his symptoms have progressed so rapidly. Adams: It's possible he was exposed and didn't know it. Brains are often stored and not tested until weeks after autopsy. Foreman: Treiber's too good to not take the right precautions. Chase: Maybe the problem is he thinks the same thing. His job's built on the premise that doctors make mistakes; That includes him. We should do a brain biopsy. Foreman: In his condition? Chase: Then we biopsy the brains in the morgue. Find the one that exposed him. Foreman: It's a needle in a haystack. Chase: There's four of us. Come on, we can at least start him on amphotericin to halt the progress while you do your heart biopsy. Taub: No, we can't. Amphotericin plus the contrast dye for the biopsy would overwhelm his kidneys. We have to choose one or the other. [They all wait for Foreman’s answer.] Foreman: Biopsy his heart. [All but Chase get up and leave the office. Chase stares at Foreman, pissed, and finally leaves.] [Cut to the corvette. Wilson is driving, House is holding his wallet as he speaks.] House: Wallets go in the minibar freezer. If there's no minibar, the toilet tnk. I've got exactly… [He counts his money.] $20 left. Wilson: I'm sorry, I wasn't familiar with hooker protocol. We can use your credit cards. House: No, we won't. I'm still on probation. Leaving the state without permission will really P.O. my P.O. Wilson: Doesn't matter. House (looking at the dashboard): We can't even afford gas to get home. We're three hours behind schedule. Wilson: We have enough gas to get to Julie. I don't care about anything else. [House stares at Wilson in silence.] What this time? House: Just wondering how long this can last. Wilson: You're still hoping that I'm gonna wake up and admit that Kyle Calloway is just some lame excuse to have some naughty thrills aren't you? House: I'm actually hoping you won't. I like Kyle. [He puts his cap on backwards.] [Cut to the empty morgue. Chase enters and turns the light on. He looks around silently. He grabs a pair of plastic gloves, heads for the cold room, and takes one of the brains in a jar on the shelf to do a first biopsy.] [Cut to the convertible. Motorhead's Ace of Spades is playing Wilson is still driving. At an intersection, a man, wearing a suit, is standing in the middle of the road, forcing the cars to stop. We don’t know why.] Wilson: Oh, come on. [While Wilson checks his watch, House waits patiently. Suddenly the expression on his face changes as they discover the reason why they had to stop: it’s a funeral procession; the hearse is the first of a long parade of cars. House looks at Wilson, who seems… indifferent. He puts the car in gear and speeds past the cars.] Wilson (screaming): Move! Move! [House is ecstatic; he is holding his cap and has both arms up in the air, as if he was on a rollercoaster.] House: Whoo! Wilson: Whoo-hoo! [As he finally got in front of all the cars, Wilson holds his arms up in the air, as a victory sign, but quickly puts them back on the steering wheel.] [Suddenly, the car is not under control anymore, Wilson struggles to drive and ends up going right off the road, through a fence, and into a field. It’s finally immobilized; smoke is coming from the car’s engine. House looks hurt; he is lying on the door, head between hands. Wilson breathes heavily. Seeing that House is not moving, he quickly takes off his seatbelt, gets out of the car and runs to the other side.] Wilson: House. [He opens the door. House moves and looks at him.] You okay? House (looking confused but fine): My leg still hurts. [Wilson grabs his backpack and House’s in the backseat and starts walking away. House is looking at him, puzzled.] Wilson: Come on. We got 20 bucks to go 11 miles. [House gets out of the car and starts walking too.] [Cut to the morgue. Chase is working on the brains. Park comes in.] Park: Why aren't you answering your pages? Chase: Busy. Park: The biopsy showed fibrosis in his cardiac muscle. Chase: So it's not a prion disease. Park: It means Foreman was wrong too. He wants everyone to meet in his office to DDX. Chase: So he can tell us all it's an infection? Park: Interesting. Or maybe you should consider not being such a baby. Chase (walking around the room, looking for things): First instinct was an exposure from a corpse. Treiber spends all his time here. If it's not toxic gas, not prions… [He looks at a file closely.] Then it has to be something else. He's not perfect. Park: Are you trying to cure him or discredit him? Chase: Treiber can only see me as not House. Foreman too. And they're not wrong. Park: So you're not coming upstairs. Chase: No. And when this case is over, I'm quitting. [Cut to Foreman’s office. The team, sans Chase, is standing in front of Foreman’s desk.] Foreman: He's not quitting. Taub: He already called other hospitals. Treiber did get under his skin. Foreman: He'll get over it. Fibrosis has to be a response to an infection. Park: Chase said you'd say that. Adams: We'll test the biopsy samples for viruses and start him on antivirals. [Park and Adams get out, leaving Taub and Foreman alone.] Taub: You're not even gonna talk to Chase? Foreman: He didn't leave after he got sab in the heart. I think we're okay. Taub: Either you're right, and your friend is just really upset, or you're wrong, and he's come at this calmly and rationally, and you're about to lose a good doctor. Either way… [Foreman gives him a meaningful look. Taub leaves.] [Cut to a bus stop in the middle of nowhere. House is standing on the side. Wilson is sitting next to an old man.] House: This is Oubliette, Ohio. Buses don't run here after 1968. Wilson: Ina said there's a bus every 15 minutes. House: Ina is living in Alzheimersville. [He looks at his watch.] Been here at least half an hour. Wilson (turning to Ina): Where are you going, Ina? Ina: Naples, Florida. Ben and I have a beautiful three-bedroom condo. All on the one floor. Wilson: You're waiting for a bus to Naples? [He looks at House…] Ina: Comes every 15 minutes. Ben'll be wondering where his dinner is. House: Cab. [House spots a cab driving by on the deserted road. He moves closer to the road to stop it.] House (holding up his cane): Whoa, cab! [He turns to Wilson and wants him to move.] 20 bucks, 11 miles. Come on. [The cab stops and he opens the backdoor.] Come on, let's go. [Wilson looks at Ina. House glances at his watch.] Julie's gonna be at the clinic for another 45 minutes; We can make this. [House understands what is going on and looks like he doesn’t know what to do anymore] She thinks she's in Florida. [Wilson doesn’t move.] Okay, bring her with. Ina (to House): I'm waiting for the bus. House: Bus isn't coming, Ina. But this cab is going to Naples. Ina: Ben'll be getting awfully hungry. Wilson: House. House: We'll tell the cabbie to call the cops. They'll come pick her up, take care of her. [Wilson considers the situation and finally gives his answer.] Wilson: Then I'll stay with her until they do. [House looks resigned. He walks to the cab, talks with the driver and closes the backdoor. The cab drives away.] House (whispering): Good-bye, Kyle. Ina (to House): Bus comes every 15 minutes. House (pissed): Oh, shut up. Foreman: Find anything? Chase (turning around on his seat): Not yet. [He keeps writing.] Running tests for MRSA. Foreman: You've got everybody worried about your quitting. Chase: You here as my boss or my friend? Foreman: If I was here as your boss, you'd be suspended by now. Chase: I've learned a lot here. Enough to run my own team. It's time I moved on. Unfortunately, that's how I felt last year. And the year before that. Foreman: Maybe there's a reason you haven't left. You need structure. And support. Somebody else calling the shts. [Chase gets up to face Foreman.] Chase: You didn't come down here as my boss or my friend. You came down as House. You're trying to insult me into making a decision. Foreman: We've both seen it work. Either you rise to the challenge and quit, or you stay. As a team member. [Foreman exits, leaving Chase to think about the situation.] [Cut to Treiber’s room. Monitors are beeping. Park is the only doctor there and Treiber is unconscious and unresponsive.] Park: Dr. Treiber! Dr. Treiber. [Taub enters the room in a hurry.] Park: He stopped responding when I was changing his I.V. bag. [Taub grabs the patient’s shoulders and shake him but fails to wake him up.] Taub: Peter, open your eyes. [He looks at his eyes with a penlight.] Coma. [Cut to the morgue. Chase is sitting in front of his whiteboard deep in thoughts, but without success so far. The whiteboard is full of crossed-out writings, rewritings, and scrabbles. Foreman and the team enter in a hurry, looking for his ideas.] Foreman: Treiber's comatose. Taub: All brains on deck. Adams: Where should we start? We think you might be right. Chase: I'm not. Park: You couldn't have gone through all of these. Chase: Don't have to. [He gets up and crosses out all the solutions on the board.] Treiber's reports are thorough to a fault. His methods are fastidious. The answer isn't down here. [He moves to the other side of the room to wash his hands.] Treiber didn't miss anything. We did. Foreman: So what? Psychosis, abdominal pain, pleural effusions, enlarged heart, coma. Park: Autoimmune, maybe Goodpasture's. Adams: Kidneys are fine. Vasculitis? [As he washes his hands, Chase notices something.] Foreman: No fever. Taub: Lymphoma? Foreman: Would've seen it on the heart biopsy. Chase: Soap. It's the soap. [He holds up the bottle of soap, puts it down on the counter, and exits without a word, leaving the team behind.] [Cut to a bus. It’s late at night. House and Wilson are on it, going back home. House is laid down on two seats, eyes closed. Wilson is sitting behind him.] Wilson (sighing): I blew it. House: Oh, God, here it comes. Wilson: As always. All I wanted was some meaningless fun, and I couldn't even last three days. House (trying to avoid the conversation): Sound asleep. I'm sleep talking. Wilson: I had the chance to fulfill a lifelong dream. House: I swear, I will jump out of this moving bus if you don't shut up. Wilson: But instead, I sat with a sad, old woman for 1 1/2 hours who forgot I existed three seconds after she left. And the stupidest thing. I never even had a crush on Julie Christie. [House understands he won’t be able to escape the situation so he turns to look at Wilson.] In 12th grade I was madly in love with Melanie Robbins, who happened to look exactly like Julie Christie in Dr. Zhivago. And she really liked me. Played spades every lunch period in Mr. Charlton's classroom. But of course, there was this other guy. A great guy. Very popular. He had a car. He had a band, a mustache… House (figuring it out): Kyle Calloway. Wilson (smiling): I assumed that — I hoped that we would go to the senior prom together, but she asked me for a favor. She asked… [He lets out a laugh.] …if I minded if she went with him. She asked me if I minded. [Another small laugh.] And I said I didn't. And that was it. And I just did it again. I let it go, like I let everything go. And here I am, sitting on this bus, with tickets I bought with my watch, heading back home, so a… a CT scan can decide my fate — My fate. [His eyes are filling up with tears. He is on the verge of crying,] I don't wanna go back, House. I just — [sighing] I just wanna keep being Kyle. House: Kyle would've ditched that sad, old woman from the bus stop. Probably would've ditched me too. I can live without Kyle. [They look at each other and give each other a small smile. No need to say anything else.] Snowball? [He has a couple of them with him!] [Cut to Treiber’s room. He is waking up, Chase is there.] Treiber: Guess this isn't heaven. Chase: We found out who screwed up. You. It was your industrial-strength antibacterial soap. [Holding the bottle of soap.] The additional triclosan does two things well: Kills MRSA and makes your thyroid look stupid. It thinks the triclosan is a real hormone and closes up shop. Excessive use over time combined with excessive use of this led to hypothyroidism. Which went undiagnosed until it presented with psychosis. When the ER put you on the sedatives, it kicked you into myxedema crisis. Treiber: Don't know that I ever would've thought of that. Chase: House told us to look for irony. [Chase heads for the door.] Treiber: Hey. This wasn't House. [Chase throws something to Foreman.] Chase: My locker key. Foreman: I'll give you your own team. Chase: Thanks. But it's time to step out of the shadow. Foreman: It's about time. [They hug. Chase smiles and leaves the office.] Chase: Any news? House: Not yet. You come here so I could talk you out of it? Chase: I came to say thank you. House: Sounded pithier than… "We've shared a variety of situations." Chase (looking through the window): Let me know about Wilson. Wilson: Why did you let him go? House: Legal loophole. 13th Amendment. Abraham Lincoln may have looked great in that hat, but his labor policies... Wilson : House.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x20 - Post Mortem"}	foreverdreaming
House: Come on in. Wilson: I'm not doing any more chemo. House: (coming back to his front door) Good plan. You'll be dad in five months. Wilson: We went for a cure. It didn't work. I've thought about this a lot. Five more months on this earth is reasonable. A year in the hospital in excruciating pain is… not. House: With two weeks on, two weeks off of chemo, you'll have way more than a year, maybe two or three. Wilson: House… I'm sorry. House: I'm not gonna let you just die. OPENING CREDITS Foreman: Hey. You know, management research shows that the best ideas come from casual contact. (House stops and turns toward Foreman) So… (He gives House a large envelope which reads “Hockey Season Starts Now”) one set of season tickets. Got the seat next to you. House: (opening the envelope) First game is October 8th. That's about one month after Wilson's expiration date. This isn't an unstructured collaboration. You're trying to be the new Wilson. Foreman: I'm trying to show you there are other people who care about you. House: Relax. I'm probably not gonna fall apart. (Foreman leaves) [Cut to a computer monitor playing a video of a group of college cheerleaders practicing a routine] Cheerleader on the video: Five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Here we go. Cradle! One, two, three, four— [The camera pans back to reveal Park, Taub and Adams watching the video. They don’t look up when House enters the diagnostics conference room] House: (dumping his backpack on a chair) Put down the pom-poms. Step away from the computer. [On the video, one of the female cheerleaders falls when a male cheerleader (the POTW) fails to catch her] House: 46-year-old oncologist refuses treatment. Adams: Foreman already gave us a case. Wants us to keep things as normal as possible, for as long as possible. House: Wilson is dying. Chase is gone. How close to normal do you think we can come? Taub: 19-year-old cheerleader admitted with massive nosebleed and dizziness. House: Wow. Cool. I just completely forgot that my best friend is dying. Wait. That just reminded me. Park: Head CT is clean. House: How can we turn Wilson from a terminal idiot into an interminable pain in the ass? Taub: Mini-stroke could explain our patient's neurosymptoms and his butterfingers. Adams: But not his bloody nose. House: My best friend is trying to kll himself. Adams: He just wants to die with a little dignity. House: There's no such thing. [House picks up his backpack and heads toward his office] Adams: It's not your choice, House. Your only choice here is between acceptance and misery. [House stops for a moment, considering what Adams has just said] House: It's a midline granuloma. Get your patient a PET scan. [Cut to Radiology, where Park and Taub are performing the PET scan on Derrick] Taub: No lesions along the optic track? (he notices that Park is looking at scans she has already seen) You already covered that. Park: Maybe we should get someone else to take this case. Taub: Why? Because someone somewhere is dying? (looking at the monitor) Oh, crap, turn off the mic! Park: It is off. Taub: Not according to his brain. (indicating the monitor) His temporal lobe is completely lit up. Auditory portion. He's hearing something. House: Foreman's trying to date me. I assume that's because you called him. Wilson: No, I — did you… (slurred) put something in my coffee? [House rolls the IV pole up beside Wilson] House: You know how you can be there for me five months from now? Don't be dad five months from now. [Wilson is looking a bit wobbly. He finally passes out, his head falling down onto his desktop. House inserts an IV needle into Wilson’s hand and hooks it up to the plastic IV tubing. A bottle of white liquid hangs from the IV pole. House activates the drip, then sits down to wait, a magazine in hand] [There is a knock at the door and Taub sticks his head in the door. Adams and Park stand behind him] Taub: Hey, Wils— (surveying the scene) seriously? [Taub, Adams, and Park enter the office] House: Just a little picker-downer. I assume this unwanted interruption means you're looking for me to discuss the latest development in the case I don't want to discuss. Taub: Our patient is hearing voices. Adams: He denies it, but the PET scan says otherwise. Park: He's at the right age for the onset of schizophrenia. House: Yeah. You really need me. Ultrasound his abdomen to check for schizophrenia. Taub: We already ordered a psych evaluation, but drugs could also cause— Adams: Tox screen was clean. House: Ultrasound his dorm. [Cut to Taub and Adams entering Derrick’s dorm room. The room is filled with smoke. Derrick’s roommate lies on his bed smoking dope from a bong] Roommate: (coughing) Whoa, just… You guys can't just come busting in here without a warrant. Taub: We're not cops. We're your roommate's doctors. Any idea what flavor of drugs would be making your roommate sick? Roommate: Objection. Entrapment. I'm pre-law. Derrick doesn't party. [Taub waves away the smoke. Adams has gn searching Derrick’s side of the room, which is considerably neater than his roommate’s] Adams: (pulling a photo of a young boy in a bathing suit out of a drawer) Look at this. Why would he have a picture of a little boy? Taub: Maybe it's his nephew or something? Adams: Hidden in his sock drawer? Roommate: Whoa! Creepy. (He chuckles) [Cut to Derrick’s hospital room. Derrick’s girlfriend Courtney is visiting. Taub and Adams enter the room] Adams: We need to talk to Derrick about some medical matters. Derrick: Well, she's my girlfriend. She can be here for that. [Taub clears his throat and looks at Adams] Adams: We found this… (pulling the photo out of her pocket) in your dorm room. Courtney: (taking the photo) Who is that? Derrick: Nobody. Adams: Then why was it hidden in a drawer? Courtney: Derrick, what's she talking about? Derrick: It's my brother Christopher. Courtney: You never told me you had a brother. Derrick: Well, he's been dad almost ten years, so… Adams: Is that the voice you hear in your head? [Cut to Wilson gaining consciousness. He is lying on the couch, but the IV line is out of his hand. House now sits at Wilson’s desk reading a book] Wilson: (groaning) Mm… Uhh! House: And lo, he is risen. Wilson: (pointing to the IV pole) So now my hair's gonna fall out next week? House: No. All I did was temporarily kll you. How was it? Wilson: What — I don't — I wasn't dad, I was unconscious. House: No dreams, no thoughts. You experienced nothing. Now, imagine that without the waking up on the couch part. Just nothing times infinity. Wilson: You didn't just prove death is nothing. You proved Propofol is. House: You're saying the end is not the end? I was expecting "nothing is better than something lousy," but not "the angels are waiting for me." Wilson: I'm not having this conversation. House: Why? 'Cause it doesn't make sense? Wilson: Because I'm not gonna change your mind, and I don't care. More importantly, you're not gonna change mine. [Frustrated, House gets up and walks around to where Wilson is sitting] House: There is no heaven. There is no hell. Your soul is not gonna float out of your body and join some great unifying energy force. The fact that you're dying is not gonna change that. Wilson: (pointing to the door) Please… just go. [Wilson reclines back on the couch, crosses his legs and covers his face with his hand. He stops House before he leaves] Wilson: House. I have spent the last 20 years holding the hands of people as they die. When I watch that transformation… I'm sorry, I… don't believe that we're just a bag of chemicals. * [Cut to the team sitting around the conference table. In the background, House sits at his desk, working on a laptop] Park: So are we gonna talk about the patient or wait for House? Taub: Viral encephalitis. Park: It's been going on for ten years. I'm gonna go in there and invite him to participate. I think he'd welcome the distraction. (to Adams) Come with me? [Park and Adams get up from the table] Taub: Why? When was the last time House listened to anything we said about anything personal? Maybe you'll feel better, but sometimes the truth is there's nothing anyone can do. Taub: (getting back to the case) Temporal lobe epilepsy. Causes voices, dizziness. Trauma from seizure would explain the nosebleed. [Taub heads out. Park and Adams prepare to follow without talking to House] [Cut to Derrick’s hospital room. He and Courtney are arguing] Courtney: You know about all of my siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles and— Derrick: You're overreacting. Courtney: Because you don't trust me enough to tell me— [Taub and Adams enter the room] Taub: (interrupting) Sorry. It's time to go down for your test. Adams: If you wanna wait here, it'll only take about an hour. Derrick: No. She's leaving. Courtney: Derrick, come on. I mean, we should at least talk. Derrick: No, I'd rather you just leave. And you don't need to come back. [Courtney grabs her purse and leaves] [Cut to Derrick lying under a flashing light. He has sensors attached to his temple. Adams can be seen behind the glass window of a control room] Adams: (into the mic) Time. Any odd tastes or smells? Derrick: Nope. Feel fine. Adams: (coming into the room with Derrick) Things look fine on my end too. (as she removes the sensor wires) So… you won't admit to your doctors that you're hearing your brother's voice, which is dangerous. And now you lost your girlfriend over it, which is stupid. I assume there's more to the story? Derrick: That's how I was raised. Adams: Short story. Derrick: (laughs) Yeah. Adams: The boss is losing his best friend to cancer. And instead of talking about the pain, he's pretending there is no pain because everything can be fixed. Derrick: My father tried to deal with it. Ironic that he'd drink himself into oblivion after my brother was klled by a drunk driver. [Derrick rubs at his right eye and leans forward] Adams: Do you need a tissue? Derrick: (shaking his head) After dad left, my mom moved us away. She got rid of all the pictures of Christopher and never mentioned him again. It was like he never existed. And that worked for us. Adams: And yet, you kept one. Derrick: Uh, my right eye… I was seeing spots, but now I can't see at all. Is that from the test? Adams: (pulling up his eyelid to look into his eye) No. This is something else. [Adams holds Derrick’s head steady with her right hand while rubbing his right eye rapidly with her left thumb] Derrick: Aah! That hurts. Adams: Sorry. [She covers his left eye and holds up two fingers] Adams: How many fingers? Derrick: Two. Fuzzy ones, but two. Adams: There's a clot in the artery behind your eye. I just broke it up. [She examines his right eye with a lighted scope] Derrick: Is that bad? Adams: Don't know, because I don't know why it happened. [Cut to a crowded PPTH cafeteria. Wilson comes off the line with his lunch and stands looking for an empty table] House: (from behind him) Hey. Saved us a table. Wilson: There are no tables. [Wilson follows House through the cafeteria] House: I recently hacked into your old files. Found a six-year-old boy with bilateral retinoblastoma. Doctors wanted to take his eyes out before the cancer spread to his brain, and you fought them. Advocated for a new photon beam radiation. Saved the kid's vision. Probably saved his life. Wilson: That was my first case at PPTH. Mikey Kimble. Michael: (speaking up from a nearby booth) It's Michael now. House: Oh, yeah. This is our table. [House slides into the booth beside Michael. Wilson sits across from them] Wilson: Wow. [Wilson reaches across the booth to shake Michael’s hand] Wilson: I… (stammering) How are you? Michael: I'm doing great. I'm graduating next month. Wilson: Already? Little Mikey? Michael: And I got accepted to Princeton. And I'm planning on going to med school. Wilson: Oh… (laughing) House: (breaking the light mood with a stern look) He's going to be a doctor instead of being dad. Michael: Dr. House told me all about your situation. That's why I came. There's just so much good that you can do, even in a small amount of time. [Wilson is beginning to realize that he has been setup] House: I wonder… (loudly, to the whole cafeteria) Hey! Is there anybody else here who's alive today because of Dr. James Wilson? [Wilson watches as a number of people stand up] Elderly Woman: Gastric adenocarcinoma. 15 years in remission. Six grandchildren that I never would have met. Thank you, Dr. Wilson. [Wilson smiles] Middle Aged Man: Squamous cell lung cancer. 12 years in remission. I was able to walk my daughter down the aisle last May. Thank you, Dr. Wilson. [Wilson gets a standing ovation from the entire cafeteria, be he realizes that House is trying to manipulate him into continuing the chemo treatments] House: I did the math. 74 children are alive today because of you. 14 grandchildren. Wilson: Mikey Kimble started kindergarten before the age cutoff. He would have graduated high school last year. [House knows he’s been caught] Michael: (trying to cover) I flunked a year? Wilson: (to the entire cafeteria) Was anybody in this room really a patient of mine? [All of the standing people shake and bow their heads] House: They're somewhere. They're giving you a standing "O" somewhere. They exist. You saved their lives. [Wilson grabs his cup and his plate and heads toward the exit] House: (calling out as Wilson leaves) Its actually more impressive that they're too busy to be here. [Cut to Taub tossing a letter onto Foreman’s desk] Foreman: What's this? Taub: A glowing letter of recommendation you just wrote for me on my laptop. I notice it's lacking your signature at the bottom. Foreman: Don't you think you're being a bit premature predicting House's demise? Taub: Not demise. Just implosion. Foreman: He's going through a rough time, but so far, he's been handling it— [They both pause. They hear gurgling water and look to see dirty water seeping from under the bathroom door. It flows into the room and across the floor] [Cut to House heading across the main lobby toward the front doors. Foreman calls to him as he enters the lobby] Foreman: House. House: Your shoes are wet. Foreman: Glad to see your emotional turmoil hasn't dulled your powers of observation. I know you're responsible. House: No, you don't. 'Cause I didn't do it. Whatever it is. But if I had shoved those season tickets down some toilets, I would have done it because you asked me to. You wanted to replace Wilson. I prank Wilson all the time. Enjoy. (House leaves the hospital) Wilson: (indicating the empty bottles) I got you three, but I drank them. Thirteen: You didn't have to call me, but I appreciate I made the list. Wilson: It wasn't entirely unselfish. I didn't feel right approaching any of my terminal patients, but… what is it like? Thirteen: Hmm… Wilson: Does it ever stop being surreal? Thirteen: It'll stop, in about… five or six months, give or take, in your case. Wilson: (chuckling) You know what happened to me today? One of my patients suddenly started crying. Thirteen: It can't be your first. Wilson: The first one… who was crying for me. Thirteen: It's the human response. It's either overly saccharine, because giving sympathy makes them feel better, or they ignore you, because hiding from mortality makes them feel better. Wilson: Why can't they just say something that makes me feel better? Thirteen: Like what, exactly? [She laughs as Wilson tries to come up with something] Thirteen: You'd be doing what, two weeks on, two weeks off? So maybe do your first round, see how it goes. Maybe not as horrible, as you fear. Then do the second round, enjoy your two weeks off, and revisit the decision. Rinse, repeat. Wilson: I just can't envision spending my remaining time in a chemo suite in Princeton. I want to… enjoy myself with family and friends. Thirteen: Friends or friend? House: Hi, this is Greg House. Again. Third message, hopefully indicating how much I want you to call me back. I'd say that your son is dying to increase the urgency, but you probably already know that. (he ends the call) The fake people who care that Wilson stays alive didn't work, so I need the real people who care about him to tell him what an idiot he's being. Adams: Where are we going? House: I just got paged to go to the bathroom. I don't know where the rest of you are going. Adams: Some of our patient's symptoms might be physiological, and some might be psychological. Taub: You think being forced to bury painful memories is making symptoms worse? [House pockets his phone and takes out his Vicodin bottle] Park: Grief avoidance can lead to all sorts of anxiety disorders, which can manifest into physical illness. [They stop walking just long enough for House to take a Vicodin tablet] House: (pocketing the pill bottle and continuing down the hall) Let's assume… that all his symptoms are real symptoms. Adams: we're going to avoid grief avoidance? Taub: Studies after September 11th showed that repression was actually better for coping than dwelling in misery. What about polycythemia vera? Adams: RBCs are slightly elevated, but not that much. Taub: Hodgkin's lymphoma? Park: Would have showed up in the PET scan. [They stop in front of a mensroom door. House leans against the wall facing the bathroom. He pulls his cellphone out of his pocket] Adams: What if your guy got hurt at practice? And, like everything else, just didn't tell anyone. Could have set off DIC, would explain everything. Taub: (motioning toward the bathroom) I thought you had to go to the bathroom. House: I didn't say I had to go in. [The door of the bathroom opens and a janitor rushes out and down the hall] Janitor: Need some more mops in here! [Through the open bathroom door, we can see the water is running in the sinks and they are overflowing onto the floor] [Cut to Derrick lying on his side. Park is preparing to perform a lumbar puncture on Derrick] Derrick: What exactly are you looking for? Park: Blood. If your spinal fluid is yellow instead of clear, it means you've had a subarachnoid hemorrhage. (she injects the anesthesia) What does your brother say to you? Does he tell you you're gonna be okay? Derrick: Doesn't really work like that. Park: I think you hear your brother's voice for a reason. Derrick: Thought you guys said that I hear things because I'm sick. Park: Yes. But that doesn't explain why you don't hear a different voice. I think your mom didn't let you deal with the grief of losing your brother properly. There are people here who could help you with that. Park: (preparing to insert the needle) Okay. [Park inserts the lumbar puncture needle. Derrick grimaces in pain] Park: The opening pressure's way too high. [Cut to House sitting on a bench outside the chemotherapy suite. He fiddles with his phone as he watches a young, bald cancer patient receiving his chemo meds. The door to the Oncology wing slides opens and Thirteen enters] Thirteen: (spreading her arms wide) The prodigal daughter returns. House: You taking me up on my offer to off you? Think I've still got some leftover propofol. Thirteen: (sitting down beside House) Spoke to Wilson. House: He's angry because I want him to live longer. Who wouldn't be? Thirteen: Friends respect each other's decisions, even if they don't agree with them. It's called loyalty. House: Loyalty is a tool to get people to do things they don't wanna do. Thirteen: But you do want to. You may have rationalized it a hundred different ways, but the fact is, you fired me so that I'd be forced to spend the rest of my life doing exactly what I wanted to do. It was probably the most… selfless thing anyone has ever done for me. And you don't even like me that much. [Cut to Wilson sitting at his empty desk, tapping his finger on the desktop. His office door opens and a white handkerchief attached to the tip of House’s cane waves in the doorway] House: I surrender. (entering the office) I have been a disloyal… disrespectful jerk. I should have listened to what you wanted. Wilson: I'm still not letting my parents return your call. House: (sitting down across from Wilson) I made a reservation for two at Carmine's. Tonight. 8:00. No more tricks. No more manipulations. Wilson: Said Machiavelli. House: Just… two friends enjoying the time they have left. Wilson: Please, don't— House: I'm not. I promise. Wilson: Just dinner? House: That depends on how much you have to drink. Wilson: That sounds nice. Derrick: Mom. Molly: I came as soon as I got your message. Is he gonna be okay? Adams: We're hoping it's just excess fluid on his brain from an extreme migraine, which isn't good, but it's treatable. He's scheduled to get an MRI as soon as these meds start taking effect. Adams: We found that picture in his dorm room. I'm not sure what Derrick's told you, but… he's been hearing Christopher's voice for the last ten years. And it's possible that repressing all that grief he's felt is actually causing some of Derrick's symptoms. Derrick: I don't even know if this voice in my head is something I invented or if it's what Christopher was really like. With no photos, no video… my memories… I really don't have any anymore. Maybe you could just… tell me a little bit about him? Molly: (deflecting) I'm sorry. It was a long drive in. I'm gonna go get a coffee. Derrick: Okay. [Cut to House and Wilson having dinner together at Carmines] Wilson: (laughing) 79-years old, and you told her she was pregnant. [They both chuckle] House: Well, it cured her hiccups. [Wilson laughs] House: I didn't expect her to cry for quite so long. [The both laugh again, appearing to really enjoy each others company] House: (spotting the waiter as he approaches their table) Now, I know that the tiramisu is great here, but I actually ordered off-menu. [The waiter sets a covered dish on the table. He removes the cover, revealing a plate of Oreo cookies] Wilson: (chuckling) Great. (picking up a cookie) I told you, you didn't hang the bear bag high enough. House: (following Wilson’s lead and picking up a cookie) It was a smart bear. I'm almost certain he untied my knots. Wilson: Well, he wasn't that smart. He left the Oreos behind. House: You hiked for 32 miles eating nothing but creamy filling. Wilson: The black stuff is overrated. House: (toasting with their Oreos) To climbing the hill. Wilson: (thinking) Okay. If I did decide to… stick around a little longer— House: Don't do that to me Wilson. Wilson: No, I'm not, I'm just — I do feel pretty good and I… Maybe I should try it for a little while. House: (carefully) I… I think that's reasonable. (He takes a sip of coffee) Wilson: Are you c-conning me? You're conning me. House: Wha— just because you folded, that means it must be some evil plan? Wilson: Well, that's usually how it works with you. You drown me in nostalgia so I'll think about our friendship and feel some kind of loyalty and agree to more chemo! House: That was real nostalgia. It was real emotion, a real decision. Wilson: A decision that I just made for you! (he sighs) House: I need you, okay? I want you to be around as long as possible. 'Cause I don't know what I'm gonna do without you. Wilson: (angrily) No. No. (getting up) Don't do that. I don't owe you anything. Our entire relationship has been about you. My dying is about me. [Wilson leaves] [Cut to Wilson crying. He is sitting in his car outside the restaurant. House approaches, peeks in the passenger side window, then opens the door and gets into the car, closing the door behind him. Wilson sits there, with tears on his cheeks, looking extremely angry] House: Look at you. You don't wanna die. Wilson: (through clenched teeth) Of course, I don't wanna die! House: Well, then fight. Wilson: (very angry) I did! I tried. House: One time. Wilson: House, get out of my car. House: You don't have to just accept this. Wilson: Yes, I do have to accept this. I have five months to live, and you're making me go through this ALONE! (he sobs) I'm pissed because I'm dying, and it's not fair. And I need… I need a friend. I need to know that you're there. I need—I need you to tell me that my life… was worthwhile, and I… I need you to tell me that you love me. House: (with tears in his eyes) No. I'm not gonna tell you that unless you fight. [House gets out and limps away from the car] [Cut to Derrick undergoing the MRI scan. Park and Adams are in the control room] Park: Blood vessels are nonreactive. It's not a migraine. Derrick: I'm not feeling so great. How much longer? Park: (turning on the mic) Finishing up. [Park goes to the MRI and pushes the button which roles the table out of the machine. When Derrick is out of the machine he mistakes Park for Adams] Derrick: (to Park) Thank you, Dr. Adams. [Park wipes at her face as water starts to drip from the ceiling. A groaning, rumbling sound is heard from above] Park: (looking up) It looks like the ceiling might…. [The ceiling collapses in on the three of them. Derrick curls up in a ball and covers his face with his hands. Park and Adams huddle together over Derrick as plasterboard and water rain down all around them] ** [Cut to a fireman opening the door of a fre truck. Sirens are heard in the background. The camera follows a hose inside the hospital where emergency workers are hauling out the debris from the collapse. House wanders into the scene. He ducks under some yellow police tape and finds Taub treating Adams and Park in the ER. The lighting is very low. The hospital appears to be running on power supplied by emergency generators] Taub: What are you doing back here? House: We got a case. Assume the status is, patient's getting worse. You guys are confused. Adams: You think actually showing up for work is enough to make up for ruining an MRI, endangering the patient, injuring us? House: I got an airtight alibi, that I'm working on. Taub: This isn't about the damage. You're back because something's going on with Wilson. House: I'm done with Wilson. Taub: What does that mean, you're done with Wilson? If he's not dad, you're not done with Wilson. Adams: You suddenly think you're gonna make a difference? Taub: You can't just abandon him. House: It's in his hands now. Get any good pictures before the MRI drowned? Park: Enough to know it wasn't a migraine. And the patient mistook me for Adams. [House has his epiphany. He opens the drawer of a supply cabinet and takes out a syringe] House: (motioning toward the team) Come with me. [Cut to House entering Derrick’s room, the team follows behind] House: (to Derrick) Hey. [House tosses his cane back to Taub and opens up the syringe packaging] House: So what do you think's gonna happen when I stick a needle into his eardrum? Taub: You quizzing us? House: Oh, this is a good quiz. [House pushes Derrick’s head back on the pillow and turns his head sideways] Adams: He'll scream in pain. House: Don't listen to her. Very small needle, very steady hand. Derrick: (grimacing as House inserts the needle) Ah! House: Now, when I pull back on the plunger, what do you think's gonna come out? Park: Air. [House pulls back on the plunger, then holds up the syringe, which is full of blood] House: Boy, that air sure is red. Persistent stapedial artery. It should disappear in the embryonic stage, but just like his dad brother, he really can't let go. An artery's been pressing against the temporal lobe of his brain, right above the ear canal. It explains the voices, the dizziness, everything. Now you guys can explain how we're gonna make him better. [House turns, taking his cane from Taub and handing him the syringe. He then turns and walks out of the room. Taub follows House into the hallway] Derrick: (to Park and Adams) Will my brother's voice go away? [Cut to Taub trying to catch up with House in the hall] Taub: You're being an ass. House: (continuing to walk down the hallway) I just cured a patient. How 'bout you? Taub: You can't just give up on Wilson. You know he needs you. You know he's making an impossible choice. He just doesn’t want to live in pain. [House stops suddenly and turns angrily on Taub] House: (shouting) Life is pain! I wake up every morning, I'm in pain. I go to work in pain. You know how many times I wanted to just give up? How many times I thought about ending it? [House leaves Taub and pushes through two double doors] [Cut to the next morning. Park sits on a bench by the fourth floor elevator. The elevator bell chimes and House steps off the elevator and heads toward his office] House: You here to yell at me or give me hockey tickets? Park: Had to delay the surgery because our patient drank ammonia from the janitor's cart. I guess… he didn't want to live without his brother's voice. [House turns and heads back they way he came, turning down another hallway. Park follows after him] Park: Where are you going? [House enters Derrick’s room, waking Derrick and startling his mother, who is sitting in a chair on the far side of the bed. House throws both his cane and backpack aside. Gripping his bad leg, he approaches Derrick] House: You can't wait to die? [House pushes Derrick back on the bed, pulls some IV tubing loose, and wraps it around Derrick’s neck] House: Here, let me help you. Jen: (rising from her chair) Hey! Park: (grabbing at House’s arm) House! Jen: (pulling on House’s arm) Hey! Park: House! [Derrick struggles against the tubing and House’s hands around his neck] House: See? You wanna live! [Jen and Park continue to try and pull House off of Derrick] Jen: He did something stupid. He's not gonna do it again. House: You're resisting me because it's our human responsibility to stay alive! [Derrick tries to push House off] Park: (ineffectually tugging at House) You made your point, House! Stop! [There is a loud thwack as Park hits House on the back of his head with his own cane] [House releases Derrick, who lays there gasping for air. House feels the back of his head with his hand. He is bleeding] Park: (still brandishing the cane) You've spent your whole life looking for the truth. But sometimes the truth just sucks. * [Cut to Wilson and Foreman sitting across from each other in the lounge area of Foreman’s office] Wilson: I'm, uh… I'm gonna be leaving, uh, quite a bit earlier then we had talked about. The… next day or two. Foreman: What happened? Something between you and House? Wilson: (firmly) He's not my child. I cannot be responsible for the happiness of Gregory House. Foreman: Well, uh… I'll get these to Frankel. Wilson: Okay. Thank you. (he gets up to leave) Foreman: You are responsible. The past 20 years you've had three wives, hundreds of colleagues, thousands of patients. But you've kept that one best friend. Wilson: He wants me to suffer a misery, that I don't want to go through. Foreman: Chemo won’t make your life any better, but caring will. Enduring pain to do some good for someone you care about… Isn’t that what life is? [Cut back to House’s apartment. House sits at his piano playing the simple yet melancholy tune] [Back to Wilson. He gets up from the table, takes a wine glass off a shelf, then opens a cabinet door and takes out a bottle of wine. He pauses as he spots a package of Oreo cookies on a shelf] [Cut to Jen sitting in a chair in Derrick’s darkened hospital room. Derrick has been sleeping, but now he wakes. House’s music still plays in the background] Derrick: Mom? Jen: (getting up and approaching the bed) Yeah? Derrick: That picture of Christopher that I had on the stand. Did you take it? Jen: Yes. Derrick: Did you throw it out? (Jen shakes her head) If I agree to get the surgery, can you bring that picture back? (Jen takes her son’s hand in hers) [As the music continues, the camera cuts to the OR. Taub is performing the needed surgery on Derrick. Adams and Park assist] [Cut back to House at the piano. There is a knock at door. House continues playing] House: (loudly) Not home. Wilson: House. [House looks up and stops playing when he hears Wilson’s voice. He opens his door to Wilson] Wilson: (standing in the doorway) I'm ready to start the next round of chemo. House: Why? Wilson: Because you need me and… I don't think that's a bad thing anymore. House: No. You're the only one I listen to. The last couple of days, I didn't, and I almost klled my patient. So I think it's time for me to accept that… you're just smarter than I am. Wilson: (shaking his head) Are you really okay that there's only five months left? House: No. But it's better than nothing. Wilson: Um… How do we start? House: I'm not gonna say "I love you." Wilson: (entering the apartment) Thank God. You got any Oreos? Jen: (covering his hand with her own) Hey. How are you feeling? Derrick: The surgery worked. Jen: How can you tell? Derrick: 'Cause Christopher's gone. [Derrick continues to look through the photos. He smiles through his tears when he finds one that includes himself, his brother and his mother] [Cut to House and Wilson sitting behind Wilson’s desk. They are looking at something on Wilson’s laptop] Wilson: (pointing) And this is the peak. Almost 8,000 feet. House: You do realize that my leg situation has deteriorated a little since the last time we went hiking. Wilson: Just add another day. [There is a knock at door. Foreman enters, then steps aside, allowing another man to enter behind him] Foreman: This is Matt Johnson, the hospital lawyer. House: Yes. I have decided not to proceed with the sexual harassment case. Matt: (holding a large plastic bag full of the tickets which Foreman gave House) Are these yours? The plumber retrieved them from the hospital outflow pipe. They caused a sewage backup that ruined the MRI, and they have your name on them. House: Gregory Danger House. It's… a very common name. Matt: These apparently have your fingerprints on them also. House: (standing up) Why don't you tell me how many hours of picking up trash you want me to do. [The music has stopped] Foreman: House… I tried to keep this internal. The fre department handed the tickets to the police who contacted your parole officer. It's felony vandalism. He's gonna revoke your parole. There's nothing we can do. Matt: You have to report to Mercer County Jail on Monday to serve out the rest of your sentence. House: And that's… that's how long? Foreman: I'm sorry. House: How long? Foreman: Six months.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x21 - Holding On"}	foreverdreaming
House: Hey. Kutner: Don't bother. He's dad. House: You're dad too. Kutner: [gesturing with his chin] The fre isn't. [House looks past the dad guy. There’s a rosy glow showing through the wide cracks between the floorboards. House looks back at Kutner.] OPENING CREDITS Cut to a long sht of the room. It looks like a deserted factory. Kutner stands in the middle, facing House who is propped up on a central wall, across from the windows. Kutner: You might want to get up and start heading for the exit signs. House: For all I know, I already am up. More interesting question is why would I hallucinate an ex-employee who I last saw with a self-inflicted gn wound, as opposed to someone more… busty? [Kutner takes his gum out of his mouth and looks around.] Care to explain why you're here? Kutner: The dad guy. Who is he? How'd you meet him? [Cut to the clinic. House is wearing a blue button-down shirt and a jacket over the black T-shirt he had on in the building. The dad guy, Oliver, is House’s patient. He has a nasty bruise on his left cheekbone.] Oliver: I was in a car accident last month. House: I won a swimming trophy in high school. Your turn. Oliver: I-I ran out of pain medication. I got an orbital fracture. It's just taking ages to heal. House: Take off your shirt. [puts down the patient file] Oliver: My eye's up here. [points] House: Orbital fracture means your face went into the windshield, which means your chest went into the steering wheel. Painkillers can suppress heart rate, so unless you want me to kll you, take off your shirt, let me do a heart exam. [As Oliver removes his tie and unbuttons his shirt, House gets up and faces the wall. Without turning around, he continues:] House: I also wanted to see the ring of burns around your collarbone. [He turns back. Oliver has several circular burns right where House said they would be.] Oliver: How'd you know? House: The codeine allergy you told the nurse about. That's shorthand for "give me the strong stuff," which matches your seen-better-days-because-my-life-fell-apart suit. The two old burns on your fingers mean you tend to nod off with a cigarette in your hand. No reason you shouldn't do that with one in your mouth. May all your doctors be stupid. [Annoyed, Oliver grabs his jacket and tie, preparing to leave.] Hold on a second. That bruising around your belly button. [He examines the streaky, purple bruise extending for several inches in each direction.] Well, you might get some fun drugs out of this after all. [Cut to Diagnostics. House distributes patient files to the team.] House: Cullen's sign. But the ultrasound showed air as well as blood. Now, I know what you're thinking. Hemorrhagic pancreatitis. But I also know what I'm thinking. Doesn't explain the pneuomoperitoneum. Adams: You took a new case? Park: You ran tests yourself? House: I saw the chance to help someone in need, and I instinctively — Oh, no, wait, that was someone else's instinct. Taub: Wilson is dying. Your parole officer is probably on his way here right now. How are you possibly in a good mood? House: Did you never see dad Poets Society? Carpe diem. Adams: Air in his abdomen could mean blah, blah, blah. Blah? Taub: But blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Park: Blah. Blah, blah. [Cut back to the burning building. Kutner shrugs at House who explains leaving out the details in his narrative.] House: Nobody cares about the medicine. It was a perforated ulcer. Laparotomy to find the hole in his tummy and close it up. Kutner: You didn't answer the team's question. House: Which is weird, because normally, when I talk to my own employees, I'm under oath and hooked up to a lie detector. Kutner: You were looking at six months of prison instead of five months of Wilson. Why happy? House: Obviously I had a plan. Kutner: Obviously, obviously you had a plan. The more interesting question is why you didn't tell the team. I think it's because part of you knew from the start that the plan wouldn't work. [Cut to Foreman’s office. Foreman is kneeling, putting paper under the leg on an end table. He pulls it out and folds it in half before trying again.] House: I need a meeting. Foreman: I'm busy. Call my office. House: [reaching into his pocket] Yes… because wobbly tables don't just unwobble themselves. [Foreman’s phone rings. He picks up the receiver but doesn’t bother to put it to his ear. House speaks into his cell phone.] House: I need a meeting. [Foreman hangs up. House puts his cell phone back in his pocket.] Thanks for fitting me in. My team has eight urgent, life-or-death cases that they've been waiting for me to accept or reject. Foreman: When is that not true? [Foreman walks out. House follows him through the clinic and the lobby to the elevator.] House: Well, right now, for one. But tell my parole board that I'm taking all eight… that no one else can crack them; that you need me here for the next five months or eight people will die. Foreman: You're asking me to perjure myself. House: It's a tiny, white lie. No offense. Especially since, from what I hear, nothing black is tiny. Except your penis, I guess. [Foreman pushes for the elevator] You really think I wanted to cave in that ceiling? It was a prank that went wrong. Dock my pay, sue me— Foreman: Felony vandalism should have added another year or two to your sentence. It's a miracle the parole board agreed to six months. House: [serious] I will go to jail, eventually. I will pay the price. I just rather that Wilson didn't. Come on, be a friend. Foreman: [thinks, then sighs] Okay. But whatever cases you have, you have to take them all. [House nods as Foreman gets on the elevator. He turns and Kutner is standing in front of the reception desk.] Kutner: "Be a friend"? House: How many fingers am I holding up? [He puts his hand behind his back.] Of course you know it's three, because you know everything I know. Everything my smack-addled brain can remember, including that I actually said, "be a friend." Kutner: My point wasn't that you said it. My point was, once again, why? I think it's because part of you knew you were gonna need a friend. Part of you knew the plan, even when it was working, wouldn't work. And right now, I'm curious about why you're sitting on the ground instead of heading for the door. [Cut to the present in the burning building. House hasn’t moved.] Kutner: Guess we’ve figured out why you're seeing me; your suicidal friend. ** [Cut to Wilson’s office. He is briefing Dr. Frankel on a patient.] Wilson: He'll call you twice a day. Then his wife will call you twice a day to make sure she understands what he told her you told him, which she won't because he didn't. Frankel: Maybe you want to give this one to Connors. [Wilson laughs. The door opens and Foreman, who didn’t bother to knock, enters.] Foreman: Where's House? Wilson: Don't know, don't care. Working. [Foreman doesn’t budge. Wilson rolls his eyes and turns to Frankel.] Excuse me. [He joins Foreman in the hall.] Foreman: No one has seen or heard from him since two nights ago. Wilson: I'm sure he's enjoying himself. Last time he went to prison, he maxed out his credit cards. Foreman: Last time he went to prison, he thought he had you waiting for him. Wilson: You think he could've done something stupid? Foreman: I think stupid is our best-case scenario. [Cut to the building.] Kutner: Why do you want to kll yourself? House: Well, here's a reason. I can't even get stoned without some annoying jerk deciding I need to be deeply analyzed. Isn't this just an incredibly simple calculation? I'm going to jail, losing my job, losing my best friend. Do I need more? Kutner: You think that's the sum total of who you are? A doctor? A friend to Wilson? House: I'm also a tremendous baritone. Now go away. Kutner: Even with your subconscious, you're evasive. [He sits next to House who refuses to look at him.] Death's not interesting. You exist for what's interesting. Puzzles, ideas, analysis. Death is the opposite of a cool puzzle. It's eternal nothingness. But you don't find life interesting anymore. Amber: Stop being an idiot. [Amber is standing in front of House, several feet away.] House: Can I have Kutner back, please? Amber: How much pathetic wallowing do I have to sit through? House: How are things in hell? Is the humidity the big issue? Amber: What happened next with the guy's medical case? House: Why? Amber: Exactly. Why am I, meaning you, still obsessing about this case? Obviously we think it's relevant to why we're still sitting on the floor of a burning building. House: There was a code. [Cut to the hospital. House slides the door to Oliver’s room open. The alarms on his monitors are beeping. Park, Adams and Taub are all treating him.] Adams: Gotta be a clot in his lungs. We need to get him to an O.R. Park: No time. His O-2 stats are falling. We have to suck it out here. Bedside embolectomy. Adams: Float a catheter through his heart and his oxygenation will get even worse. He'll die before we can finish the procedure. [House looks though a cart in the room.] Taub: House, we need a call here. [House fills a syringe that was in the unlocked cart with a drug that was there as well. He pushes it into Oliver’s IV.] Adams: What are you doing? What did you give him? House: Five… four… three… two… Oliver: [his eyes pop open and he flails at the doctors] Ahhh! Arg!! Ahhh! House: Naloxone. We should've got suspicious when his visiting cousin signed in as "Mr. Tar H. Horse." Heroin caused the respiratory distress. The naloxone turned off the receptors, caused your distress. Oliver: [shouting] I'm not gonna stop doing drugs! It's reality that sucks! [Amber laughs. She’s in Oliver’s room with House. The rest of the team has disappeared and Oliver is asleep.] House: You're saying I'm lying… to my subconscious? Amber: People do it all the time. And like it or not, you are a person. House: He said every one of those things. Amber: But not then and not like that. This guy was going nuts from the naloxone. He couldn't be rational if you wanted him to be, which you did. Why? House: I compressed the story a little— Amber: Context matters. You never talk to patients for non-diagnostic reasons, but this guy… [House is in a chair next to Oliver’s bed. Oliver wakes up and looks at him.] House: Feeling better? Oliver: I'm not gonna stop doing drugs. House: You were a stockbroker. Son of a stockbroker. Married, children. Oliver: I was miserable. House: Well, you say you were miserable because you need to rationalize screwing it up. Oliver: Except I didn't. I mean, I-I did. But I'm not miserable. Not anymore. [House, fascinated, studies Oliver’s faces as he talks.] I had a ski injury and painkillers weren't enough, and a friend of mine gave me some heroin. The second it entered my veins, it was like… God had taken over my body. It was like there was no more pain or unhappiness in my life or anybody else's. House: But then you lost everything. Oliver: Everything wasn't enough. Because it's reality that sucks. [Cut to the building. Amber is sitting on the floor, using Oliver’s legs as a footrest. She has House’s cane.] Amber: Are you arguing that he's a good role model? House: He's happy. Amber: He's dad. You heard what you wanted to hear. The more interesting question — always — is why you wanted to hear it. [Cut to Oliver’s room. Oliver is asleep. House is using the oxygen mask. Foreman enters.] Foreman: You're stealing this guy's oxygen? House: There's oxygen everywhere. [Foreman takes the oxygen mask and puts it on Oliver’s face.] Foreman: You passed on all your cases, reassigned them to other doctors. House: They weren't interesting. Foreman: They were my reason for getting your sentence delayed! House: Yeah, well, I guess you'll have to tell the parole board something else. Maybe that I was in the O.R. the entire day the ceiling collapsed, so I couldn't have caused the plumbing problem. Foreman: You set me up. House: Not really. You were going to basically perjure yourself so that I could delay jail time. Doesn't it make more sense to actually perjure yourself so that I can actually avoid jail time? Foreman: Why are you doing this? Why are you risking destroying yourself? House: There's no risk. I know you. You'll do the honest thing. You'll lie. [There is a long pause while Foreman looks at House.] Foreman: No. [House stares at him, dumbfounded, as he leaves the room.] [Cut to the building. House looks at Oliver.] House: He's happy. Amber: He's dad. * Amber: You weren't worried. House: Of course I was worried. My plan fell through. Amber: The plan didn't matter. Your plan to replace that plan didn't matter. Wilson didn't matter. Jail didn't matter. The only thing that mattered, the only thing that ever mattered, was the puzzle. [Cut to Oliver’s room. House sits next to Oliver’s bed. He checks out Oliver’s left hand.] House: I noticed a slight twitch in his thenar eminence, which meant… [to Oliver] You're dying. Oliver: Because my thumb's a little shaky? House: Plus the thinning in the muscle, plus that speech you gave at Yankee Stadium saying you were the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Add them up, it means ALS. Oliver: Lou Gehrig's disease? You're trapped in your body; you can't move or speak while you just die? House: If it makes you feel any better, at this rate, it'll be fast. [As Oliver drops his head onto his pillow, House, standing on the right side of the bed, continues to observe him.] You're not symmetrical. Amber: Wait. Now you're standing at the door. What happened in the meantime? House: And lo, there was a miraculous wonder — I walked across the room. Amber: No, you just skipped over a chunk of conversation. House: He swore that he would live a better and more selfless life in his remaining time, blah, blah, blah. After two blahs, I'd heard enough. I moved to the door. Amber: No, you're avoiding it. House: Do you smell smoke? Amber: [accepting his reason for editing his report] Fair enough. House: [to Oliver] You're not symmetrical. The veins on your right side are distended. Oliver: What does that mean? House: [examining Oliver’s neck] There's a bulge in your superclavicular notch. There's something in there. Oliver: What? House: Well, I'm not that good a doctor. [pulls over an ultrasound machine and checks Oliver’s neck] Good news: your case is fascinating. And good news for you: you're gonna live. House: [voice over] You've inhaled a small branch, probably while you were realizing that it's all worth it, while you were passed out on a park bench. Anyone else would have coughed it up, but 'cause you're a junkie, your cough reflex is suppressed. Oliver: [voice over] And it grew? House: [voice over] Not unless you also inhaled a chunk of the sun and a drip-irrigation system, you idiot. It set off an auto-immune reaction, which — I can't help saying this — was the root of all your problems. [Taub holds up a small piece of a fir branch, including the needles.] [Cut to the building] Amber: You're smiling. House: I was, and now I'm not. Because a moment's fun a few days ago does not trump a friend dying. Amber: [staring down at him] Yeah, it does, you idiot. 'Cause after he's dad, you cry for a while, and then you go back to doing what you love. House: Every patient that I've had, 70 years from now, they'll all be as dad as Wilson. Everybody dies. It's meaningless. Amber: [sitting next to him] When you solve a puzzle, the world makes sense, and everything feels right. And you'll always have another one, because people always get sick. It's shallow and it's insignificant, but if you don't give a damn if idiots live, why would you possibly give a damn about shallowness? It makes you happy. And why would you need more than that? Go home. [House gets up and takes his cane. He is limping heavily. The door to the stairs is on the far side of the room. He opens it. The fre is enormous, with flames as tall as he is. He slams the door shut and looks at Amber. Some of the wooden floorboards behind her are on fre.] [Cut to House’s apartment. Wilson is near the piano, holding a Chinese food takeout carton. There are more cartons on the table in front of him.] Wilson: Foreman! [Foreman enters from the hallway.] House would never leave food out here rotting for days. Foreman: His suitcases are in his closet. Wilson: If we had handled this differently— Foreman: We did the right thing. [A phone rings. They go into the kitchen. House’s cell phone is on the counter. Foreman answers it.] Hello? I'll let his accountant know. [hangs up] House no-showed on a hooker two nights ago. Wilson: [grabs the phone] Outgoing calls. Hooker… me, I didn't pick up. Chinese place… Foreman: Wait, wait, wait. Who's that? He called four times. Wilson: I don't know. [Cut to the building. The floor space is L-shaped. House turns down the leg away from where Oliver’s body is. He walks around but stops short as the floor under his feet almost gives way. He taps with his cane, finding a sab spot he can step to. The fourth time a floorboard cracks loudly and he falls through a hole up to his armpits. As he struggles, his feet, sticking through the ceiling of the ground floor, kick ineffectually. He tries to pull himself up but the hole widens and he falls to the floor below.] [Cut to the lower level. House lands feet first then falls to the floor. Pieces of wood and other debris fall on top of him. House makes one sound as he pushes some wood off him and grabs his right leg. He sits up and looks around. The fre is everywhere. The ceiling of this floor, which is only the underside of the wooden floor above, is completely engulfed in flames.] ** Male Patient: It's a total disaster. Do you have any idea how hard it is to schedule a cable appointment with the hours that I work? [Nolan is about to answer when the door opens. Foreman, who apparently has le arned about knocking from The Gregory House School of Etiquette, enters, followed by Wilson and Nolan’s assistant (who leaves immediately.)] Foreman: House has been missing for two days. We know he talked to you. Wilson: Anything you can tell us about his mental state, or where he was headed — anything at all— Nolan: [sitting up straight] Would be a breach of confidentiality and a violation of the law. Foreman: Not if he's a danger to himself or someone else. [Nolan thinks about how to answer this.] Male Patient: Is this coming out of our 50 minutes? Foreman: Is this your douche bag group? Nolan: [to the patient] Excuse me. [He gestures to the door. He, Wilson and Foreman go into the hall, closing the door behind them.] Nolan: What makes you think he's a danger to himself? Foreman: He hasn't been home, but he didn't take anything with him, not even his cell. [Nolan doesn’t answer.] Wilson: You're not saying anything, which means he didn't specifically mention su1c1de, but you came out here to talk to us, so he must have said something that worries you. Nolan: [carefully] There are other ways of reaching oblivion. Wilson: Vicodin? Foreman: He always has his Vicodin. There's no reason to call a shri— His last patient was a heroin addict. Nolan: So I guess we're all done here. [Heads back in.] Wilson: The guy's address has gotta be in the file. [Cut to the building. There’s a platform, a couple of feet high, covers most of the room. House is on his back in the middle of the raised area. The fre started where Oliver’s cigarette fell, behind House and to his left. That area is almost a wall of flames. There are patches of fre in several other areas including a lively one in the pit to the right of the platform.] Stacy: What about God? You were leaving, and then you stopped. Why? [He looks up. Stacy is sitting next to him, on a chair. She’s wearing a brown pants suit with a tan button-down blouse (but not her necklace.) He props himself up on one elbow to talk to her.] House: Your theory is I'm not leaving, because I believe in God? What, he's calling me home? Stacy: Maybe falling through that floor was a sign. Maybe that the universe hates you. Something. You really don't believe? Really? Not in some deep crack of some remote recess of some dark corner of your mind? House: No. Except that some deep crack of some remote recess of some dark corner is here telling me— Stacy: That's enough. In a burning building, facing imminent death, that's more than enough. House: Pascal's wager is facile. Stacy: Saying it's facile is facile. Why is it wrong? [He stares at her.] Don't be logical, be desperate. You gotta have something to hold on to. House: You can't live your life based on something you don't believe. Stacy: But you can end your life based on something you don't believe? What about love? I lived with you for years. I know you believe in love. [Cut to the PPTH cafeteria. House and Wilson are in a booth. There is a plate of fries between them, closer to House.] House: Foreman wouldn't help me, which means I need you to take the fall. Wilson: You do remember I'm dying, right? House: Which is you will never spend a day in jail. Fresh-faced, cancer-ridden. It's tough to do both, but you pull it off. Wilson: Your fingerprints are all over those hockey tickets. House: I never admitted to flushing anything. My prints make sense if I gave those tickets to you as an incentive to stay alive. Wilson: And I was so angry that you didn't respect my dying wishes, I took thousands of dollars of season tickets and flushed them down toilets? House: All you have to do is create reasonable doubt. Wilson: Great, what if I do more than that? What if I end up in jail? Or spending my final months in endless hearings? House: That is a risk you are willing to take. Wilson: I have a reputation. I have a legacy that could— House: [sincerely] Wilson… I don't want to lose this time with you. [There’s a long pause and Wilson looks at House before nodding.] Wilson: Okay. House: Thanks. I knew I could count on you. [He grabs a handful of fries and stuffs them in his mouth as he gets up. Wilson looks annoyed and shakes his head.] Wilson: Wait! Wait. House: [stops, mouth full] You want the fries back? Wilson: I'm not gonna take the fall. House: Don't do this to me, Wilson. This is our only option. Wilson: Exactly, because you overplayed your hand with Foreman, because you knew you had me as a backstop. Even with me dying, you-you just assumed I'd be here to bail you out. House: Since you're here, and you are bailing me out, it seems like a pretty safe assumption. [He starts to leave again. Wilson jumps up and catches up with him.] Wilson: Hey! I won't be here soon. If I do this, I'm teaching you that your bad behavior will always be rewarded. You need to learn— [They both get angry and start raising their voices.] House: How to act when you're gone? 'Cause if that's the lesson, we got a really great opportunity coming up. Wilson: You'll just try to find someone else, and it won't work, and it shouldn't work! House: So that's the great wisdom you're imparting? That I'll always be alone? Wilson: There's only one person you can count on. House: [pause, quietly] I thought there were two. Wilson: [looking a little guilty] I need to do this… for you. [Cut to the building. The flames around the edges of the room are quite high. House is in the center, almost sitting, facing Stacy.] Stacy: Wilson's right. He's always right. He's always been your good side. House: I always wondered why I photographed so poorly. Stacy: And because he's always played that role, you've never had to develop a conscience of your own. House: People don't change. Consciences don't spontaneously develop. Stacy: You're wrong, Greg. Which is… why you'll be better off without him. You've been looking to him to find what you have gotta find within yourself. [She stands and holds her hand out to him.] Something you can find. [He takes her hand and stands, looking intently at her face the whole time. The camera circles around them, past the flames and, when it stops, they are in a suburban house. A spring garden can be seen through the window. House wears the same T-shirt in his hallucination that he wore in the building, but Stacy has changed into a blue V-neck sweater. She’s holding a baby in a gray and white knit outfit, trimmed in the same blue.] Stacy: Hold your child. [House takes the baby who looks up at him.] House: This is a reason to die. This is what my life could've been, not what it can be. Stacy: If it could've been, you're capable of it now. House: You're married. Cuddy's gone. Stacy: We aren't the only two people who could love you. [He looks over to the sofa in the adjoining room. He and Dominika are sitting together, laughing. His arm is around her. Unlike his idiosyncratic apartment, his dream home is apparently generic, white-bread suburban. He and Dominika lean in for a kiss.] House: Why settle so easily? [The kiss with one of the identically clad cheerleaders surrounding him ends and he turns to the girl on the other side for a kiss.] These are just idiotic fantasies… [He stoops down.] Stacy: Greg, don't. [House sits on the floor.] House: … at odds with every logical bone in my body. [He curls up on his side. There’s a fre in the fireplace behind him.] Stacy: Get up. [angry] You do not have to die in here! [Cut to the building. House is alone. He’s not even bothering to hold his head up any longer. The entire perimeter of the building is in flames as are several of the wooden support beams. Someone steps in front of his face. He tilts his head slightly to see who it is.] House: Is this hell? An eternity of people trying to convince me to live? Cameron: [sitting on the floor in front of him.] Who says I'm here to convince you to live? * [Cut to House sitting up, facing Cameron. The fre is growing. There are huge flames close to them on several sides.] House: You're the last one I thought would hate me. Cameron: I don't hate you. I love you. House: And yet you think I deserve to die. Cameron: But not as a punishment. As a reward. I think… you've suffered enough. You've given enough. I think you deserve a chance to just… give up. [House stares at her intently as she speaks, considering what she’s saying. He looks almost fascinated with her idea. When she’s done he reaches a decision and his face changes.] House: Like Wilson did? Cameron: [ignoring the contemptuous tone House used] Like Wilson did. You accepted his choice — that ending the pain was better than the pain. Why can't you give yourself that gift? [House thinks about this.] [Cut to the street at twilight. Foreman and Wilson get out of Wilson’s car in front of a chain link fence. Foreman gestures to the fence and the empty lot behind it.] Foreman: This is the address House's patient gave? Wilson: Everybody lies. [looks around] You smell smoke? [They walk in the direction of the smoke, picking up speed as they go. As they turn a corner, the burning building is a few blocks away but directly in front of them. All of the windows on the first two floors are completely engulfed with flames. fre trucks can be heard approaching as Wilson and Foreman run toward the building.] [Cut to inside. House and Cameron are lying on the floor, facing each other.] Cameron: Just let go. Just go to sleep. House: I had a chance to avoid this. Cameron: You had many chances, and you blew them all up. House: No, this was different. Cameron: They're all different, but the reasons are all the same. You're arrogant. You're self-destructive. You only care about yourself. House: That moment with the patient… the chunk of the conversation I skipped over… I told him he was dying. [Cut to Oliver’s room.] House: If it makes you feel any better, at this rate, it'll be fast. Oliver: [thinks] Let me take the fall. For you, for that prank. House: [puzzled] You don't owe me anything. Oliver: You tried to save me. House: I failed. Motives don't matter. Only actions. Oliver: Trying is an action. Why are you trying to talk me out of this? You just fake the records. You say I came into the clinic last week. I'll tell the cops you treated me like crap, so I stole your tickets and flushed 'em. House: Thank you. [stands and crosses to the door] And you're doing this because you're dying? Oliver: I'm doing this because I have nothing left to lose. House: [thinking through this puzzle] So when you were living, you did nothing for anyone and you didn't care. Now that you're dying, you're willing to help a virtual stranger. Which means you're a better person dying than you ever were living, and the world is a better place because I didn't save you. Which makes me wonder why I'm about to tell you… you're not symmetrical. Cameron: What's your point? That you cared about him more than you cared about yourself? You cared about the puzzle more than you cared about yourself. House: If I kept it to myself, then it would just be a puzzle, but I opened my mouth because I thought it was more. Cameron: You know it's the same, or you wouldn't be bickering with me while the flames lick at your feet. You're afraid of this decision, and you are trying to argue until fate takes it out of your hands. You're taking the cowardly way out. And worse… you're too cowardly to even admit you're taking the cowardly way out. [Cut to the building. House is still lying with his head on the floor.] House: You're right. But I can change. [He stands up slowly. The flames are all around and taller than he is now.] ** [Cut to the same spot, several hours later. It’s daylight and the fre is just smoldering now. There are hoses and water and soot everywhere. At least a dozen cops and firemen are at the scene.] [The camera pulls back to where the team is, across the street. From there the roof of the building or, more accurately the entire lack of a roof and most of the third floor, can be seen. Wilson sits on the curb next to them, draped in a blanket. Foreman stands next to him.] Adams: He could've gotten out. Park: People are found sometimes, even in… collapsed— Taub: I think they're pulling a body out. [They watch as two firemen come out with a body bag on a basket stretcher. Two EMTs wheel over an ambulance stretcher. They put the basket on it and adjust it as Foreman and the team look on. As the body is wheeled out of sight, Wilson stares, looking like an unhappy, seated statue.] [Cut to a cinderblock hallway – if not the PPTH basement, a place very much like it. Wilson sits, motionless, on one of the couches that line the hallway. A door opens and Foreman comes out, walking very slowly.] Foreman: Coroner confirms it's him. Dental records match. [He collapses back against the wall.] [Cut to a black urn on a small nest of pine branches. The only decoration is a band of Greek keys and a plaque, hung by a chain. Wilson sits, stony-faced, listening.] [It’s House’s memorial service. At one end of the room there is a stained-glass window in muted colors. This is framed by a drape with four large swags. Flanking the window are two marble stands, each with an enormous red and white flower arrangement. The urn is on a table in front of the flowers on the right. On the opposite side is a portrait of House. It is all very tasteful — just what House would have hated.] [As various people speak, the camera pans the room. There are about 50 chairs arranged in rows on either side of an aisle. In addition to the speakers, Nolan, Nurse Jeffrey and various hospital personnel are there. Cameron and Chase sit next to each other. There is a montage with bits and pieces of each person’s eulogy.] Park: House hired me when no one else would. Adams: He got me fired. [clarifies] He gave me the guts to get fired. Masters: He gave me the courage to quit. Blythe: Gregory was — he was a good son. [She sounds a little surprised.] Stacy: He was a trying boyfriend, but I… never stopped loving him. Dominika: He was my husband for real. [slight laugh] I couldn't help but love him. Foreman: He was my boss. And… my employee. And both times… I learned from him. Taub: He made me a better parent, whether he meant to or not. Thirteen: [awed] He was willing to kll me. And I'll always be grateful. Chase: He wasn't always easy to deal with. Cameron: But somewhere in there… he knew how to love. Wilson: [reading his notes] He was my friend. The thing you have to… remember — the thing you can't forget is that Gregory House saved lives. [large, open-handed shrug] He was a healer. And-and in the end… [He checks his notes and tries to keep his place. He looks into the distance then nods to himself as he makes a decision.] Wilson: House was an ass. [That gets everyone’s attention.] He mocked anyone —patients, co-workers, his dwindling friends — anyone who didn't measure up to his insane ideals of integrity. He claimed to be on some heroic quest for truth, but the truth is, he was a bitter jerk who liked making people miserable. And he proved that by dying selfishly, numbed by narcotics, without athought of anyone. A betrayal of everyone who cared about him. [A cell phone rings.] Wilson: Phone. A million times he needed me, and the one time that I needed him—[The phone rings again. A few people shift uncomfortably. Nolan checks his phone to see if it’s on.] Oh, come on. This is a funeral. Just get it. [The phone rings two more times. Foreman starts to take his phone from his jacket pocket. Wilson realizes it’s the phone in his pocket.] Well, this is embarrassing. Could've sworn I turned this off. [mutters] This isn't my phone. [He flips House’s phone open and sees the incoming text] SHUT UP YOU IDIOT [Cut to the street in front of La Scala, an Italian restaurant. Wilson drives up and gets out of his car. He looks around then starts as he sees House seated on the steps to the building across the street. He crosses to him.] House: Hi. [Shakes his head, confused. After a pause…] Wilson: How? House: I got out of the back of the building. Wilson: The body— House: Just switched the dental records. Wilson: You're destroying your entire life. You can't go back from this. You'll go to jail for years. You can never be a doctor again. House: I'm d*ad, Wilson. How do you want to spend your last five months? Wilson realizes what House is saying. He breaks into a grin and laughs. Cut to House looking more relaxed and happier than he has in a long time. He looks around then walks to his motorcycle, which is right next to the one Wilson is on. Wilson: When the cancer starts getting really bad… House: Cancer's boring. House puts on his helmet and sunglasses. Wilson smiles and does the same. They ride casually and soon disappear into the trees as the camera keeps filming from above. THE END FINALE	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x22 - Everybody Dies"}	foreverdreaming
Pilot Scene One [Title: The Year 2030] Narrator: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother Son: Are we being punished for something? Narrator: No Daughter: Yeah, is this going to take a while? Narrator: Yes. (Kids are annoyed) Twenty-five years ago, before I was dad, I had this whole other life. (Music Plays, Title "How I Met Your Mother" appears) Narrator: It was way back in 2005. I was twenty-seven just starting to make it as an architect and living in New York with my friend Marshall, my best friend from college. My life was good and then Uncle Marshall went and screwed the whole thing up. Marshall: (Opens ring) Will you marry me. Ted: Yes, perfect! And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne! You drink a toast! You have sex on the kitchen floor... Don't have sex on our kitchen floor. Marshall: Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted. Ted: Dude, are you kidding? It's you and Lily! I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily. The night you met. Your first date... other first things. Marshall: (laughs) yeah, sorry. We thought you were asleep. Ted: It's physics Marshall, if the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. My god, you're getting engaged tonight. Marshall: Yeah, what are you doing tonight? (Scene Freezes) Narrator: What was I doing? Your Uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life, and me-I'm calling your Uncle, Barney. [Cut to Later: Barney's in the barber shop, Ted's talking from home] Barney: (on the phone) hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls? Well, now I've got a new favorite: Lebanese girls! Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians. Ted: Hey, you wanna do something tonight? Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes, and Suit up! Scene Two (The Bar) Ted: Hey. Barney: Where's your suit!? Just once when I say suit up, I wish you'd put on a suit. Ted: I did that one time. Barney: It was a blazer! Ted: You know, ever since college it's been Marshall and Lily and me. Now it's going to be Marshall and Lily... and me. They'll get married, start a family-before long I'm the weird, middle-aged bachelor their kids call "Uncle Ted". (Barney hits Ted) Barney: I see what this is about. Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met? [Cut to Flashback the night Barney and Ted met] [Still in the Bar] (Ted is talking to another couple; Barney randomly joins them and interrupts) Barney: Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live. (Ted's shocked) Barney, we met at the urinal. Ted: Oh, right. Hi. Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee. It doesn't look good with your suit. Ted: I'm not wearing a suit. Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool. (Points to self with bear bottle in hand) Exhibit A. (Flirts to a woman unseen) Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're... thirty. [Flashback ends] Ted: Thirty, right. You're right. I guess it's just, you're best friend gets engaged-you start thinking about that stuff. Barney: I thought I was your best friend. Ted, say I'm your best friend. Ted: You're my best friend, Barney. Barney: Good! And as your best friend, I suggest we play a little game called... "Have you met Ted?" Ted: Wai-no, no, no. We're not playing "Have You Met Ted?" Barney: (Taps a woman names Yasmine) Hi, have you met Ted? (Leaves and watches from a distance). Ted: (To Yasmine) Hi, I'm Ted. Yasmine: Yasmine. Ted: It's a very pretty name. Yasmine: Thanks, It's Lebanese. Scene Three (The Apartment) Marshall: Hey! Lily: Urgh. I'm exhausted. It was finger painting day at school, and a five year old boy (takes coat off revealing a purple hand print on her right breast) got to second base with me. Wow, you're cooking? Marshall: Yes, I am. Lily: Aww-(They kiss) Are you sure that's a good idea after last time? You looked really creepy without eyebrows. Marshall: I can handle this; I'm full of surprises tonight. Lily: So there's more surprises? Like what? Narrator: Marshall was in his second year of law school, so he was pretty good at thinking on his feet. Marshall: BOOGITY BOO! And that's all of them! I'm goanna go... cook. (Leaves) [Cut to the bar, Ted is chatting with Yasmine] Ted: I'm so happy for Marshall, I really am. I just couldn't imagine settling down right now. Yasmine: So do you think you'll ever get married? Ted: Well maybe eventually. Some fall day. Possibly in Central Park. Simple ceremony, we'll write our own vows. But--eh--no DJ, people will dance. I'm not going to worry about it! Damn it, why did Marshall have to get engaged? (Yasmine laughs) Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh? Yasmine: Actually, I think it's cute. Ted: Well, you're clearly drunk (pulls her wine glass away. Hold up glass to bartender) ONE MORE FOR THE LADY! [Cut to Kitchen with Marshall and Lily. Lily has a pan out sautéing, Marshall jumps off a countertop] Marshall: Okay, look what I got (runs to the fridge. Takes out wine bottle) Lily: Aw-honey. Champagne! (hands it to Marshall) Marshall: (after short silence) Yeah. (hands it back) Lily: (realizing) No, you are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne! Marshall: I'm not scared. Lily: Then open it! Marshall: Fine (takes bottle. Looks at it for a couple of seconds) Please open it (hands it to Lily) Lily: You are unbelievable, Marshall. No-(Scene splits in half and shows both Lily and Marshall on top arguing and Ted and Yasmine on the bottom mingling) Narrator: There are two big questions a man has to ask in life. One you plan out for months, the other just slips out when you're half drunk at some bar. Marshall: (To Lily) will you marry me? Ted: (To Yasmine) you wanna go out sometime? (Scene split ends, and returns to Lily and Marshall's scene) Lily: Of course, you idiot! (hugs him and they fall back) [Cut to Scene with Ted and Yasmine at bar] Yasmine: I'm sorry; Carl's my boyfriend (points to bartender) Ted: Sup, Carl? [Cut to Scene in Kitchen, Marshall and Lily lay up while on the ground, after sex] Marshall: I promised Ted we wouldn't do that. Lily: Did you know there's a pop tart under your fridge? Marshall: No, but dibs. Where's that champagne? I wanna drink a toast with my fiancé. Lily: aww (claps. They kiss) Marshall: I don't know why I was so scared of this. Pretty easy right? (Pops cork, ht's Lily's eye) Lily: (YELLS) Marshall: (covers mouth) OH! Ted: Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? This is crazy! I'm not ready to settle down. Barney: (ignoring) how does Carl land a Lebanese girl? Ted: It's always been "don't even think about it till you're thirty" Barney: Exactly-the guy doesn't even own a suit! Ted: Plus Marshall's found the love of his life. Even if I was ready, which I'm not, but if I was it's like, "Okay, I'm ready! Where is she?" (Spots Robin) Narrator: and there she was. [Fade out] Scene Four (The Bar-Focusing on Ted and Robin) Narrator: It was like something from an old movie. Where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "see that girl? I'm going to marry her someday" Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl? (Breif cut-out portion) Barney: (to Robin) Hey, have you met Ted? Robin: Let me guess, (points) Ted? (Ted Nods) Scene Five (Taxi on the way to hospital) Marshall: I'm sorry, Lily. I'm so sorry. Take us to the hospital. Cabdriver: Whoa, whoa, whoa-did you ht her? (Laughter) Lily: ht me? Please, this guy could barely even spank me in bed for fun. He's all like, (hits ice in bag using to cover eye) "Oh, did that hurt?" and I'm like, "Come on, let me have it you pansy!" (realizes) Wow, complete stranger. Cabdriver: no, no, no, no-it's okay, go on. (Turns meter on.) So these, spankin's...you in pajamas or going "naturelle" [Cut to bar with Robin] Ted: So what do you do? Robin: I'm a reporter for Metro News 1. Ted: (nods) Oh. Robin: Well, kind of a reporter. I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news, you know. Like-um-monkey that can play the ukulele. I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon. Ted: Bigger like, uh, gorilla with an up-right bass? Sorry, you're really pretty. (Robin laughs and waves to her friends) Oh, your friends don't seem too happy. Robin: Yeah, see the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend so tonight every guy is... "The enemy". Ted: You know if you don't make your friend feel better you could throw a drink at my face. I don't mind. Robin: She would love that! It does look fun in the movies. Ted: Hey, you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night? Robin: Oh, I can't. I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday. Some guys attempting to make a big (cut) so my news is covering it. Ted: That's going to take a week? Robin: Yeah, he's going to eat it too, it's another record. Robin's Dumped Friend: Hey, what's taking so long? Ted: Uh, I know this is a long sht, but how about tomorrow night? Robin: (stops) Yeah, (agrees) What the hell (passes number to Ted. Throws drink on Ted's face) JERK! (Walks away. Whispers) that was fun. Barney: (comes back laughing) De-wait for it-nied! Denied! Ted: We're going out tomorrow night. Barney: I thought we were playing laser tag tomorrow night? Ted: Yeah, I was never going to go play laser tag. (Wipes alcohol off his face) Scene Six (Bistro, Ted's date with Robin. There's a blue French horn showcased on the wall a table away from theirs.) Narrator: The next night, I took her out to this little bistro in Brooklyn. Robin: Wow that is one bad-ass blue French horn. Ted: Yeah. Robin: Mhmm. Ted: Sort of looks like a... Smurf penis. (Scene Freezes) Narrator: Son, a piece of advice. When you go on a first date you really don't wanna say "smurf penis". Girls don't ordinarily like that. (Scene unfreezes. Robin spits her drink back into her glass. Laughs) Narrator: But that was no ordinary girl. [Cut to the Apartment] (Lily and Marshall are sitting on the couch. Lily's wearing an eye patch on her left eye and is totally unaware that Marshall is sitting bedside her because of the eye patch.) Marshall: Lilly? (Lily jolts) Lily: How long have you been sitting there!? Stupid eye patch. (Ted enters) Ted: Mom, dad, I have found the future Mrs. Ted Mosby! Marshall, how have I always described my perfect woman? Marshall: Oh let's see (thinks) she likes dogs? [Flashback to Date] Robin: I've got five dogs. [Flashback over.] Marshall:...she drinks scotch? [Flashback to Date] Robin: I love a scotch that's old enough to order its own scotch. [Flashback over.] Marshall: Can quote obscure lines from "Ghostbusters"? [Flashback to Date] Robin: Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god you say, "Yes!" [Flashback over.] Ted: And I'm saving the best for last. [Flashback to Date] Robin: Do you want these? (Holding up remaining olives from her plate) I hate olives. [Flashback over.] Marshall: She hates olives! Awesome! Lily: The olive theory. [Flashback to Date] Ted: The olive theory is based on my friends, Marshall and Lily. He hates olives, she loves them. In a weird way that's what makes them such a great couple. A Perfect balance (eats olive). Robin: You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever. Ted: (flirting) I can take them off your hands. Robin: (flirting back) they're all yours. [Flashback over] Marshall: Oh, it is on! It is on (imitates robot) till the break of dawn. Lily: wait, it's only the break of ten-thirty. What happened? [Flashback to Walking Robin home] Robin: I've gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace. It's gotta be blue, it's gotta be French. Ted: No Green Clarinet? Robin: No. Ted: Come on, no purple tuba? Robin: It's a smurf penis, we're no dice. (Metro News 1 Van appears) Producer: (from inside van) there you are! We've got a jumper! Some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge. Come on, you're covering it! Robin: Um, alright. I'll be right there. (To Ted) I'm sorry. I had a really great time tonight. Ted: Yeah. [Flashback Over] Marshall: So? Did you kiss her? Ted: No. The moment wasn't right. (They sigh) Look, this woman could be my future wife; I want our first kiss to be amazing. Lily: Aww, Ted that's so sweet. So you chickened out like the little bitch. Ted: What? I did not chicken out! You know what? I don't need to take first kiss advice from some pirate who hasn't been single since the first week of college. Lily: Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing. Even the dumbest single person alive, and if you don't believe me...call him. (Calls Barney) (Barney's playing laser tag on the other end of the line) Barney: (Phone) Hey loser, how's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! Oh, I klled you Connor; don't make me get your mom! Ted: Hey, listen. I need your opinion on something. Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes-AND SUIT UP! [Slides to Bar Scene] (Lily, Ted, Barney and Marshall sitting at a table) Ted: So these guys think I chickened out. What do you think? Barney: I can't believe you're still not wearing a SUIT! Ted: She didn't even give me the signal. Barney: What is she goanna-is she goanna bat her eyes at you in Morse code (bats eyes)?? Ted (bats eyes) Kiss me-No, you just kiss her! Ted: Not if you don't get the signal. Barney: Ee-(Kisses Marshal) Did Marshall give me the signal? Marshall: No! (To Lily) I didn't, I swear. Barney: But see-at least, tonight, I get to sleep knowing, Marshall and Me... never going to happen. You should've kissed her. Ted: Urgh, I should've kissed her. What about when she gets back from Orlando? Barney: A week? That's like-a year in hot girl time. She'll forget all about you. Mark my words: you will never see that one again. (notices Robin on Metro News 1 On TV) Ted: There she is... Lily: Ooo. She's cute! (To Carl) Hey Carl, turn it up! Robin: (on TV)...persuaded him to reconsider at which point the man came down off the ledge, giving this bizarre story a happy ending. Reporting from Marshall: Huh, guy didn't jump Robin: (on TV) Metro One News, back to you bill. Ted: I'm goanna go kiss her. Right now. Marshall: Oh-Dude, it's midnight. As your future lawyer I'm goanna advise you: that's freakin' crazy! Ted: I never do anything crazy! I'm always waiting for the moment! Planning the moment! Well she's leaving tomorrow this may be the only moment I'm goanna get! I gotta do what that guy couldn't, I gotta take the leap! Okay not a perfect metaphor, for me it's fall in love and get married-for him it's... death. Barney: Actually, that is a perfect metaphor. By the way, did I congratulate you two? (Raises glass to Lily and Marshall) Ted: I'm doing this. (Starts to leave) Lily: Let's go (pulls Marshall up) Marshall: Word up! Lily: We're coming with you. Ted:...Barney? Barney: Alright, but under one condition. [Cut to Scene in Taxicab] Barney: (happy) look at you, you beautiful bastard, you suited up! This is totally going in my blog! Ted: (To Ranjit-Cabdriver) Stop the car. Uh-pull over right here. I gotta do something. (Runs into the bistro he was in on his date with Robin climbs on peoples table) Ted: Excuse me, pardon me. (grabs the Blue French Horn) Enjoy your coffee. (Runs away) Waitor: Hey, HEY! (Jumps back into the taxicab) Ted: go, go, GO! (looks to his friends. Shrugs) Everybody brings flowers. [Fade out] Scene Seven (Taxicab) Ted: (Exhales) Okay. Moment of truth. Wish me luck. (Exhales) Barney: Ted's goanna get it on with a TV reporter (nods. Laughs.) This just in. Okay (holds hand up for high-fives) Lily: Kiss her, Ted. Kiss her good. Marshall: Kiss the crap out of that girl Ted: Marshall, remember this night. When you're the best man at our wedding and you give a speech, you're goanna tell this story. (exits cab) Barney: Why does he get to be the best man? (Shouts out) I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND! Narrator: As I walked up to that door a million thoughts raced through my mind. Unfortunately, one particular thought did not. [Flashback to Date] Robin: I've got five dogs. [Flashback Ends] (Ted presses the buzzer, dogs begin to bark. Walks down the steps back toward the cab) Ted: Not good, not good, not good, not good. Lily: No! Marshall: Go back in there! Barney: You're wearing a suit! (Ted walks back toward the door) Robin: (from window) Ted? Ted: Hi! (Silence) I was just uh-(hold up Smurf Penis, aka French Horn) Robin: Come on up. (Ted enters) [In the Cab] Marshall: He's in. Barney: So, (looks to the cabdriver) Ranjit... you must've done it with a Lebanese girl. Lily: Okay-that's my Barney Limit. (Starts to leave the cab) I'm goanna see if that Bodega has a bathroom. (Leaves) Ranjit: Actually, I'm from Bangladesh. Barney: The women hot there? Ranjit: Here's a picture of my wife! (Shows picture) Barney: (Whispers to Marshall) Simple no would have sufficed. (To Ranjit) She's lovely. [Cut to Robin's Apartment] Robin: So, Ted. What brings you back to Brooklyn at one in the morning in a-suit. Ted: I was just hoping to get those olives... that you said I could have. Robin: Would you like those olives with some Gin and Vermouth? Ted: Are you trying to get me drunk? Robin: For starters (turns music on. Leaves to the kitchen) Ted: (Looks up and mouths) Thank you. [Cut to the Cab] Barney: So, Marshall. This "Olive Theory" based on you and Lily? Marshall: Yeah... Barney: You hate olives? Lily loves them, you can't stand them. Marshall: Yeah, hate olives. Barney: Two weeks ago, Spanish bar on 79th Street, dish of olives-you had some. What up? Marshall: (looks around for sign of Lily) You have to swear that this does not leave this cab. Barney: I swear. Ranjit: (Cuts into conversation) I swear. Marshall: On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad; Lily asked if she could have my olives. I said, "Sure... I hate olives." Barney: But you like olives! Marshall: Well, I was eighteen, okay? I was a virgin. Been waiting for my whole life for a pretty girl to want my olives. Barney: Marshall, I'm going to get you an early wedding present. Don't get married. [Cut to Robin's Apartment] (Robin and Ted are dancing, all five dogs are watching) Robin: I think I like your "Olive Theory". Ted: I think I like your French Horn. Robin: I think I like your nose. Ted: I think I'm in love with you. [Cut to the bar] (After Ted tells them the story) Lily, Marshall and Barney: What? [Cut to the year 2030.] Son and Daughter: What? [Cut to Robin's Apartment] Robin: What? [Cut to the Cab] Barney: Come on man, you said your stomach's been hurting, right? You know what that is! Hunger. You're hungry for experience. Hungry for something new. Hungry for olives. But you're too scared to do anything about it. Marshall: Yeah, I'm scared, okay? But when I think about spending the rest of my life with Lily... committing forever, no other women (Lily appears behind Marshall in the open window) doesn't scare me at all. I'm marrying that girl. (Lily pops her head in from the window. Marshall turns around) Lily. Lily, I like olives. Lily: We'll make it work. (They kiss.) Ranjit: aww. [Cut to Robin's Apartment] (Long Silence) Ted: So Orlando, you goanna ht Disney World? Robin: You love me? Ted: Oh, god, I can't believe I said that. Why did I say that? Who says that? I should just go. (Gets up) Robin: Hold on. (Gets up) Wait a minute. (Hands him Olives) Promised you these. Ted: Olives. Thanks. I love you. What's wrong with me? [Cut to cab] Barney: Why are we still sitting here? Let's go! We can still make last call. What do you say Lil? (Pirate Accent) Yo, ho ho and a bottle o' rum? (Silence) 'Cuz you're a pirate... Lily: Okay, eye patch gone-(takes eye patch off and throws it at Barney) And we can't just abandon Ted. If it doesn't go well up there he's gonna need some support. Marshall: It's been like twenty minutes. You think they're doin' it? Barney: You think they're doing it in front of the dogs? Marshall: Doggie style. (Laughs) Barney: I had this girl in college; she had a golden retriever- Lily: Okay, we can go to the bar, just stop talking. Barney: h*t it Ranjit. (They drive off) (Ted and Robin come out the door) Ted: So when you tell this story to your friends, could you avoid the word "psycho"? I prefer...eccentric. Robin: Good night, psycho (smiles). (Ted sarcastically clutches heart. Realizes friends left him) Ted: Great (before Robin closes the door) Umm... how do I get to the F Train? Robin: Oh, um-two blocks (comes out) that way (points) and take a right. Ted: (upset/tired) Thanks. (Walks down the steps. Robin begins to walk in) You know what? (Robin stops. Ted turns around). I'm done being single. I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met you love her. But... it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman-not you... just some hypothetical woman-were to bare with me through all this. I think I'd make a damn good husband. Because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father... and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser. Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser. Ted: Oh, I've got references. Robin: Good night, Ted. (Shake hands.) Ted: And I'm a good hand shaker Robin: that's a pretty great hand shake. (Looks him in the eyes) [Cut to later at the bar] Ted: And that was it, probably never see her again. (Silence) What? Marshall: That was the signal! Lily: That long lingering handshake-you should've kissed her! Barney: There's no such thing as the signal. But yeah-that was the signal. (Ranjit appears) Rangit: Signal (nods) Marshal: Ah, Carl thank you. Something I gotta do. Carl: By the way, you should've kissed her. Ted: Carl!? (turns to friends) You guys weren't there. (Marshall Pops cork without injuring anyone) Lily: I am so turned on right now. Ted: Guys, trust me. I've seen the signal. That was not the signal. Barney: Yeah Ted, we're not on you anymore. Marshall: (Toasting) To my fiancé! Lily: (smiles) to the future! Ranjit: To one hell of a night! Ted: That was not the signal! (Scene pans out) Narrator: I asked her about it years later, and yeah, that was the signal. I could've kissed her. But that's the funny thing about destiny. [Flashback to Robin Throwing Drink in Ted's face] Narrator:... it happens whether you plan it or not. I mean I... [Flashback to Robin laughing at Ted's "Smurf Penis" joke] Narrator:... never thought I'd see that girl again. But it... [Flashback to Robin looking down at Ted from her apartment window] Narrator:...turns out, I was just too close... [Flashback to Robin and Ted dancing] Narrator:...to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming. Because that kids... [Cut to year 2030. Kids intently listening keenly interested] Narrator:...is the true story, of how I met your Aunt Robin. Son: Aunt Robin? Daughter: I thought this was about how you met mom! Narrator: Will you relax? I'm getting to it. (Son and daughter sit back unpleased) like I said: [Cut to panning out at the bar] Narrator:...it's a long story. [Fades out]	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x01 - Pilot"}	foreverdreaming
Scene One [Title: The Year 2030] Narrator: Okay, where was I? Daughter: You were telling us how you met mom. Son: In excruciating detail... Narrator: Right, so (While Flashbacks take place) back in 2005 when I was twenty-seven, my two best friends got engaged. And it got me thinking, "Maybe I should get married." Then I saw... Robin. She was incredible. I just knew I had to meet her. That's where your Uncle Barney came in. Barney: I suggest we play a little game I like to call, "Have you Met Ted?" Ted: No, no, no-we're not playing "Have you Met Ted!" Barney: (Taps Robin's shoulder) Hi! Have you met Ted? (Leaves) Narrator: So I asked her out, and I know this sounds crazy... but after just one date, I was in love with her, which made me say something stupid Ted: I think I'm in love with you. Robin: What? [Cut to Year 2030] Daughter: Oh, Dad. Son: So then what happened? Narrator: Nothing. I mean, I made a complete fool of myself. So... a week went by and I decided not to call her. [Cut to Entering the Bar] (As Marshell, Barney and Ted enter) Marshall: So you're not goanna call her? You went from, "I think I'm in love with you" to "I'm not gonna call her?" Ted: I wasn't in love with her, okay? I was briefly in love with the abstract idea of getting married! That had absolutely nothing to do with Robin. (Finds Lily and Robin chatting at a table.) Robin! Robin: Hey! Lily: Look who I ran into! Ted: Since when do you guys know each other? Robin: Uh... since about (points to glass) here. Lily recognized me from the news and-(Lily and Marshall kiss) Hello, Sailor! Ted: They just got engaged. Robin: Well, I should get back to the station. See you guys. (Marshall raises a hand while still kissing Lily) Nice seeing you, Ted. Ted: Yeah, you too. (Robin leaves, Barney walks closer) Damn it. Lily: What? Ted: I'm in love with her. Barney: (hits him) No! As your sponsor I will not let you relapse. You blew it; it's over-move on. Ted: I don't know! I just have this feeling. She's the future Mrs. Ted Mosby. (Lily Squeals) Ted: Lily, you squeaked? (Lily shakes her head) Ted: She said something about me didn't she? Come on, spill it, Red. Lily: Fine! [Flashback to Earlier. Lily and Robin talking at the bar] Lily: So what do we think of Ted? Robin: (laughs) Ted's something else. [Flashback ends] Ted: Huh... I'm gonna spin that as good. Lots of guys are "something", I'm "something else". [Flashback to Earlier. Lily and Robin talking at the bar] Robin: Comes on a little strong. [Flashback ends] Ted: But...that's part of my charm. [Flashback to Earlier. Lily and Robin talking at the bar] Lily: But that's part of his charm. Robin: Oh, totally. I mean, he's sweet, he's charming, he's just looking for something a little bit more serious than I am. I mean the most I can handle right now is something casual. This just stays between us, right? Lily: Are you kidding? This flapper-for knocks. [Flashback ends] Lily: (shy) Oops... Ted: She wants casual. Okay, I'll be casual. I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why? Cause it's a game! I wanted to skip to the end and do the "happily ever after" thing but you don't get there unless you play the game. Marshall: So're you gonna ask her out? Ted: Yeah-No! I can't ask her out, because if I ask her out I'm asking her out. So how do I ask her out, without asking her out? (thinks) (Silence) Lily: Did you guys get high? Ted: I got it! I don't ask her out... I invite her to our party next Friday. Marshall: We're having a party next Friday? Ted: We are now-Casual Barney: Yeah, cuz nothing says "Casual" like inviting a hundred people over just to "Mac" on one girl. Oh, and Lily-that's my leg. Lily: You waited five minutes to tell me that? Marshall: Alright-so call her up! Ted: No-calling's not casual! I just gotta bump into her somewhere. If only I knew her schedule I could arrange a "chance" encounter. Lily: that's great, Ted. You'll be the most "Casual" stalker ever. (They laugh) Scene Two (The Apartment) Narrator: Now ever since Marshall put that ring on her finger, Lily had been...well... extra affectionate. Marshall: Baby, no. I have a twenty-five paged paper on unconstitutional law due on Monday, I barely started, Lily: Hey, I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring... my beautiful ring. Kind of makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like my shirt. Kind of don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or... my underwear. Oh-that's right-I'm not wearing any. Marshall: (Closes laptop screen) No underwear? Lily: Not slightly. (Scene widens to show Ted is on the couch listening) Ted: Guys, boundaries! There she is! Robin: (on TV) Thanks Bill, I'm reporting from the Razzle Dazzle Supermarket on 75th in Columbus Ted: 75th in Columbus. (Gets up and grabs coat) Game on! (Leaves) [Cut to Razzle Dazzle Supermarket. Robin's reporting on the news] Robin: where four year old, Leroy Ellensburg, climbed inside a grab a prize machine (You see child stuck in toy machine) and gotten stuck. [Cut to Ted running down the street] [Cut to Razzle Dazzle Supermarket. Robin reporting on the news] Robin: And on the pursuit of a stuffed purple giraffe. (Ted appears behind her, leaves nervously) From Metro News One, I'm Robin Scherbatsky. (News report ends) (Ted re-enters running) Cameraman: We're clear Robin: (To cameraman) Thanks. (Notices Ted) Ted? Ted: (Turns around nonchalant) Robin, wow! What are the odds? Robin: What are you doing here? Ted: Oh, you know, just-uh-Shopping for-uh-dip (holds dip) I love dip... I mean I don't love dip, I like dip. As a friend, you know. So-uh-hey, you-uh-reporting a news story or something? (puts dip back) Robin: Yeah, kid stuck in a crane machine, how sweet of you to call it news. Ted: Wow, kid in a crane machine (approached machine. To boy) You just had to have that toy didn't ya? Couldn't play the game like everyone else. Leroy: You're all sweaty! Ted: Cute kid (wipes forehead) Um yeah it's f-it's so funny running into your we're having a party next Friday if-if you like swinging by! But, you know, whatever. Robin: Oh, I'm going back home next weekend. It's too bad it's not tonight. Ted: (Shocked) It is, it's tonight. This Friday, Did I say next Friday? Yeah-sorry-cuz I've been saying "next Friday" all week, but yeah it's tonight. The-uh-party's tonight. But, you know, whatever. Scene Three (Marshall and Lily in bed after sex) (Phone rings, Marshall answers) Marshall: Hello? Ted: (on Phone) hey, am I interrupting anything? (Holding party mixes) Marshall: No, no I'm just writing my paper. Hitting the books. Ted: (on Phone) Yeah, well you and Lily might wanna put some clothes on. We're throwing a party in two hours. Okay, bye (hangs up) [Fade out] Scene Four (The Party #1) Marshall: So, Gatsby, what are you goanna do when Robin shows up? Ted: Okay, I got it all planned out. [Shows Fantasy "Plan" as Ted tells story] Ted: She steps through the door, and where's Ted? Not eagerly waiting by the door. Nah I'm across the room at my drafting table showing some foxy young thing all my cool architecture stuff. So Robin strolls over and I casually give her one of these, "Hey, what's up?" She says, "Hey, nice place" etcetera, etcetera. And then I say, "Well make yourself at home," and I casually return to my conversation. Then, an hour later, "Oh, you're still here?" I say like I don't really care, but it's a nice surprise. And then very casually, "Wanna see the roof?" [Fantasy pauses] Lily and Marshall: (Gloating) The roof. Ted: Get her up to the roof and the roof takes care of the rest. Barney: What's so special about the roof? Lily: Oh, the moon, the stars, the shimmering skyline. You can't not fall in love on that roof. Marshall: We do it up there sometimes. Barney: Solid plan, my little friend. Ted: We're the same height. Barney: But may I suggest one little modification. [Fantasy Continues as Barney takes over] Barney: That foxy young thing you were chatting up, take her up to the roof and have sex with her! Crazy monkey-style. Ted: That's not the plan. Barney: Should be the plan, I mean look at her. Ted, look at her. She's smokin'! Fantasy Girl: Thank you. Ted: Yeah, but she's not Robin. [Fantasy Ends] Barney: Exactly! Ted, let's wrap. Statistic, at every New York party there's always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you see-where I'm going-hu-with this? Ted: Barney, I don't wanna say- Barney: Aargh! (Pulls down imaginary scope) Scoping, beep, scoping, beep! Lily: Man you're a dork. Barney: beep, beep, beep, beep. Target acquired! And now it's time we play a little game I like to call "Have You Met Ted?" Ted: No, come on not this. Barney: (taps woman) Hi! Have you met Ted? Tatiana: No. Ted: Hi. Tatiana: Hi. Barney: Do you know Marshall? Lily? Tatiana: No. (smiles) Barney: Hmm, do you know anyone at this party? Tatiana: I work with Carlos. Barney: Excuse me, (to group) Anyone know a Carlos? Ted: No. Lily: No. Barney: On a silver platter! Bon appetite! Ted: I don't think so. Barney: Your loss, her gain. (To Tatiana) Excuse me, can I show you the roof? It's magical up there! Tatiana: Sure (Smiles) Ted: Whoa-whoa-Hey hey. I got that roof reserved! Barney: Dude, Robin's not coming. Ted: Hey, she's goanna show up. (Silence) She'll show up. [Cut to day after party in the Apartment] Narrator: She didn't show up. Lily: At least it was a great party. Marshall: I ate like four whole cans of dip! Ted: You always know what to say old friend. (Phone rings.) Ted: It's Robin. Lily: Answer it! Ted: No, no, no. Not right away. I gotta seem casual. (Answers phone) Hello? Robin: (on Phone) I'm so sorry I missed your party. Ted: Who is this? Merideth? Robin: (On Phone) Robin. Ted: Oh, Robin! Hey, yeah, guess you never showed up did you? Robin: (on Phone) no I got stuck at work, but they finally got that kid out of the crane machine. Ted: Did he get to keep the purple giraffe? Robin: (on Phone) Yeah, they let him keep all the toys. He was in there a long time and little kids have smaller bladders. Ted: (scoffs) Robin: (On Phone) I wish your party was tonight. (Silence) Ted: It is the party's tonight. (Marshall's mad) Yeah-uh-it's a two day party. Because that's just how we roll. Uh-so if you wanna swing by its-uh-you know, Casual. See ya. (hangs up) So that was Robin. Marshall: What are you doing to me, man. I got a paper to write. Ted: I know I'm sorry. It's terrible (grabs coat) I'll buy more dip (runs out) Marshall: TED! TED WAIT-GET FRENCH ONION. (Closes door) Can you believe this guy, I got a paper to write. (Lily smiles) Okay, fine-(they walk into the bedroom) but it's gotta be like super quick. Lily: Oh! Marshall: And no cuddling after. Lily: I'm the luckiest girl alive (runs into bedroom. Marshall strips.) Scene Five (Party #2) Barney: Oh, you were so right about the roof. The roof. The roof is on f*re, Ted! Girl from last night, took her back to my place then this morning took her outside, spun her around a couple of times sent her walking-she will never find her way back and there she is. How did she get here? Did you invite her? Ted: I have no idea who that is. Barney: She said she works with Carlos, who's Carlos? Ted: I don't know any Carlos. Barney: Grr. (Turns around) Hi, you. You're back. Tatiana: I sure am (kisses Barney). Come on, sweetie, I need a drink. Barney: "sweetie"? Really? (They walk into the kitchen Barney mouths) Sweetie? (Marshall and Lily walk towards the stairs to the roof) Ted: Whoa-Whoa rabbits! Come on, I got that roof reserved. Marshall: Alright. Barney: So, it's over between me-and-works with Carlos girl. Ted: Oh, that was fast. Barney: Yeah, I was trying to think what's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met? [Flashback] Barney: I think I'm in love with you. Tatiana: What? [Flashback ends] Barney: Thanks, bro (walks away) Ted: (straight-faced) Glad I could help. (Marshall's on his way up to the roof) Ted: What the-no, no, no, no-come on! Marshall: Sorry, Ted. (Goes up) Ted: Great! What am I going to do when Robin shows up. (Silence) She'll show up. [Later after the party] Narrator: She didn't show up. Marshall: Alright, we threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody wanged, everybody chunged. Now the kid has got to get to work, and the kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me, "I will not have sex with Marshall". Lily and Ted: I will not have sex with Marshall. (Phone rings) Ted: It's Robin. (sighs. Answers) Hello? Robin: (on the Phone) Hi, Ted. Ted: Amanda? Oh, Denise-Sorry you totally sounded like Amanda (Does weird hand thing with Marshall) Robin: (On Phone) It's Robin. Ted: Oh, Robin-(laughs)-Hi. Robin: (On Phone) I totally wanted to come; I got stuck at work again. I feel like I live there. I'm sorry I missed your party...again. Ted: Hey, ain't no thing but a chicken wing mamacita. (To Lily and Marshall) WHO AM I? Robin: (On Phone) I guess there's no change your two-dayer turned into a three-dayer. Ted: (Silence) It did indeed, the party continues tonight. (Marshall grabs for him, Ted runs away) Yeah. Last night people were like, "KEEP IT GOIN' BRO! PARTY TRIFECTA!" Robin: (On Phone) Wow, okay-well I'll be there. Ted: Great, see you tonight. (hangs up. Looks to Marshall) So that was Robin. Scene Six (Party #3) Narrator: So I threw a third party for Robin. On a Sunday night (Very Little people in the apartment) Barney: Oh, this is lame. Ted: lame or "Casual"? Barney: lame. Ted: Or "Casual"? Lily: Hey little old books. Ready for a little fifteen minute recess? Marshall: Sorry, baby, I gotta work. I need all my blood (points to brain) up here. Has anybody seen an introduction to contract work institution statutes from 1865 to 1923? (Silence) Anybody seen a big-ass book? Crowd: (mutters) No, no. Tatiana: Hello, Barney. Barney: Of course. Tatiana: You look well. Isn't it weird they invited both of us? Barney: Who? Who invited you? No one even know who you are! Tatiana: I understand you're hurt, but, you don't have to be cruel. Carlos was right about you. Barney: Who is Carlos!? Marshall: Okay, where the hell is my-OHH! (Book has been used as coaster, all wet) Okay, introduction to contract work institution statutes from 1865 to 1923...is not a coaster! Ted! I'm jeopardizing my law career so that you can throw not one, not two, but three parties for some girl that you just met who's probably not gonna show up. (Ted's shocked) I mean where is she, Ted, huh? Where's Robin? (Finds Robin) Hi! Hi Robin. (Throws book on the floor and grabs Lily for sex) Robin: so you threw all these parties for me? Ted: No! Oh you thought that-oh, no! I c-okay yes. You got me-I-(laughs)-one of the reasons I threw these parties was so that I could introduce you to uh-(Barney throws Ted a random guy) this guy. I figured, you know, since it didn't work out between us and now we can just laugh about it (nervously laughs)-Anyway Robin, this is. Carlos: Carlos (shake hands) Barney and Ted: Ohhh. Scene Six (Party #3. Robin's sitting with Carlos, happy. Ted's being supported by Lily and Marshall.) Ted: She's still talking to Carlos. I can still win this, it's not over. Lily: Okay, buddy, time for the "tough-talk". Robin seems great. But let's look at the facts, you wanna get married and right now there's a million women in New York looking for exactly you, but Robin ain't one of them. Ted: She's not just "one of them" she's the one. Barney: Yeah well, "the one" is heading up to "the roof". (Robin leaves to the roof with Carlos) Marshall: What are you gonna do? Ted: Nothing. It's a game, I gotta just-keep playing it. [Flashback to Leroy playing the crane machine, and then crawling into the hole to get what he wants. Just like what Ted does by climbing out the window to reach the roof-what he wants] [Cut to the rooftop] Robin: Hey. Ted: Hey. Carlos, can you give us a minute? Carlos: Hey, no sweat hombre. Ted: Robin, look I didn't invite you to this party to set you up with Carlos. Or the one before that. Or the one before that. (Robin smiles) I threw these parties because I wanted to see you. Robin: Well, here I am. Ted: There's something here, look, unless I'm crazy. Robin: (exhales) you're not crazy. I-I don't know, Ted, I mean we barely know each other and you're looking at me with that look and it's like-(struggles) Ted: Like what? Robin: like-let's fall in love, and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice. Ted: I'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested. Robin: (laughs) It's a great look. But you're looking at the wrong girl. Ted: No, I'm not. Robin: Yes, you are. I don't wanna get married right now, maybe ever and if we got together I'd feel like I'd either have to marry you or break your heart and-I just couldn't do either of those things. Just like you can't turn off the way you feel. Ted: (reaches in his Jacket) Click. Off. Let's make out. Robin: (laughs) What? Ted: What? That was the off switch! And I turned it off. I mean sure yes, I wanna fall in love get married blah, blah, blah, but-on the other hand... you... me...the roof. Robin: There's no off switch. Ted: There is an off switch... and it's off. Robin: (smiling) no, it's not. Ted: (silence) yes, it is. (They draw closer) Robin: No (smiles)...it's-not. Ted: Yes-it is (they kiss long) No it's not. You're right, there's no off switch. God I wish there was an off switch. Robin: (sighs) me too. (Silence. They laugh) Ted: So (They mutter together. Then laugh) Robin: we could be friends (shrugs) Ted: Oh (clutches heart) Robin: look, I know it sounds insincere when people say that but... we could. Ted: I don't know, Robin. I made such a jackass out of myself here, every time we start hanging out it'll be like, "Oh-that's right-I'm a jackass." Robin: You're not a jackass. I'm sorry. I only moved here in April and I'm always working and-I just haven't met a lot of good people so far. But I understand. Ted: Well-uh-maybe in a few months after it's not so fresh, we could all-uh...you know, get a beer. Robin: yeah. (sighs) That sounds good. I'll see you, Ted. (walks away) Ted: Or, you know-now. (Robin looks at Ted) We could all get a beer now. Robin: (Smiles) I'd like that. Ted: My friends are goanna love you-like you-you know, as a friend. (Robin giggles) Jackass. [Fades to Bar Scene] Barney: Unbelievable. That is just a recipe for disaster, they work together (Carlos and Tatiana are making out) Ted: You jealous? Barney: Oh, please, what does Carlos have that I don't? Robin: a date tonight? Marshall, Lily and Ted: Ohh!! Lily: Stop the tape, rewind-play it again. Robin: (Imitates a rewinding tape) a date tonight? (smiles) Mashall, Lily and Ted: Ohh!! Barney: I'm not sure I like her. Ted: Hey, don't you have a paper to write? Marshall: Dude, you're talking to the kid. Ted: I know it. Marshall: I'm goanna knock back this beer. I'm gonna knock back one more beer. I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna write a twenty-five page paper. I'm gonna hand it in and I'm gonna get a A. My name is Rufus, and that's the Trufus. [Scene Freezes] Narrator: He got a B Minus. But still-twenty-five pages in one night, B minus? The kid was good. [Scene Continues] Ted: At least let me buy you a beer. Come on I'll buy everyone a beer. Robin: I'll help carry. You know something, Ted? Ted: What? Robin: You are a catch. You're gonna make some girl very happy, and I am going to help you find her. Ted: (laughs) Well, good luck. I mean maybe New York's just too big a town, you know? There's millions of people in this city. How in all this mess is a guy supposed to find the love of his life? I mean, where do you even begin? (Robin taps a random woman at the bar) Robin: Hi, Have you met Ted? (Cute girl shakes head) (Music Takes over) Ted: (mouths) Hi, I'm Ted (Robin takes the beer to the table. Ted watches her while the Cute Girl talks to him. Robin looks back. Smiles. Ted engages into a conversation)	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x02 - Purple Giraffe"}	foreverdreaming
["How I Met Your Mother", credits] [Title: The Year 2030] Narrator: So there was this one night, before I met your mother when I really wanted to go to the bar. Son: The bar? Big surprise! Daughter: You sure spend a lot of time in bars... Narrator: Well that's just what we did back then. (Shows picture of Ted) Narrator: Me. (Shows picture of Marshall and Lily sitting at a booth at the bar) Narrator: Marshall and Lily. (Shows picture of Barney using a payphone) Narrator: Barney (Shows picture of Lily and Robin, Pans in on Robin) Narrator: We all used to hang out at this one bar called "MacLaren's". (Shows picture of the whole gng in front of a camera) Narrator: But then one night. [The Year 2005] [In the Street - Ted/Lily/Marshall] (Ted and Lily on the phone walking with Marshall) Ted: (On Phone) Why don't we go to MacLaren's? Lily: (On Phone) Let's go to MacLaren's. Marshall: You guys talking to each other? Nobody's listening. Ted: What's wrong with MacLaren's? (Cut to Barney in Taxi) Barney: (On Phone) MacLaren's is bore, snore. Ted, tonight we're going to go out. We're going to meet some ladies. It's going to be legendary. Phone-five! (High-fives the phone) (Scene Freezes) Narrator: I had no idea why I hung out with Barney. (Scene unfreezes) Barney: You didn't phone-five did you? I know when you don't phone-five, Ted. Come on, we always go to MacLaren's. (Cut to Ted) Ted: Yeah, cause MacLaren's is fun... Barney: MacLaren's is this much fun. What I'm offering is the chance to have this much fun. Ted: See, you say that. You say it's going to be this much fun. But most of the time it ends up being this much fun. This much fun is good! It's safe. It's guaranteed! Barney: This hand gesture thing doesn't really work on the phone, does it? Ted: No it doesn't. (Cab pulls up right beside Ted. Barney's head pops out of the window.) Barney: Get in the cab. Marshall you too. Marshall: Oh, I wish I could... I think Lily and I are just goi... Barney: I understand. (To Ted) Get in the cab. Ted: Why can Marshall say no? Barney: Uhh... because he's getting laid. Marshall: Consistently. Barney: (Doing "I see you" hand motion) Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here. You keep going to the same bar, you're in a rut and I am a rut buster. I'm going to bust your rut (Smiles). Ted: It's not a rut, okay. It's a routine and I like it! Barney: Ted, what's the first syllable in rutting (trying to make it sound like "routine". Ted gives in and jumps in the cab) Peace out, suckers. (Cab speeds off.) Ted: Alright, so what's this legendary plan. Barney: First we got to pick someone up at the airport. Ted: Okay, I'm outta here. Barney: (To cabdriver) Estaban, doors! (Cab doors lock) [The Airport - Barney/Ted] (Ted walks alongside Barney who is carrying two suitcases, one in each hand.) Barney: Just this one little thing and the rest of the night is ours. Ted: Why do you have those suitcases, and who are we picking up? Barney: I don't know. Maybe her? Or her. Ted: Wait so when you said you were going to "pick someone up at the airport". You meant you were going to "pick someone up at the airport". Barney: (winks) Scenario. Couple of girls fly into town, looking for a fun weekend in NYC when they meet two handsome international business men just back from a lucrative trip to Japan. Sample dialogue, "You have a wheelie bag? Wh... I have a wheelie bag!" Ted: You've gotta be kidding me. Barney: False. Sidebar, tuck in your shirt. You look sketchy. Ted: I'm sketchy? Barney: Trust me, it's going to be legendary. Ted: Don't say "legendary", okay? You're too liberal with the word legendary. [Flashback - Ted answering the door to Barney] Barney: We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's gonna be legendary. Snow suit up! [Flashback ends] Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here! This is happening. Now you can either put your bags on the carousel now, or you can listen to me give you a really long speech convincing you to put the bags on the carousel. Your move. (Silence) Ted, since the dawn of time mankind has struggled... (Ted puts bags on carousel) [The Apartment - Marshall] (Marshall studying in the Apartment) Narrator: That night, Marshall had a ton of studying to do. So Lily went out with Robin who was new to New York and looking for a friend. [The Bar - Lily/Robin] Lily: I'm so glad we finally get to hang out just the two of us! Robin: Yeah. Lily: You sure you're okay giving up your Friday night to hang with an old almost-married lady? Robin: Oh please, I'm so sick of the "meet-market" scene. Guys are like a subway. You miss one, another one comes along in five minutes. Lily: Unless it's the end of the night, then you get on anything. Robin: Heyow! (Carl, the Bartender, gives them two drinks) Carl: Compliments of that guy. Lily: Really? Sweet. Carl: Oh, for you it's six dollars. Lily: I guess that's one drawback to being engaged. I'm sure that's why he didn't... (Man interjects) Guy#1: Hey. Lily: (peeking over his shoulder) Oh. Oh, hello! [The Airport - Ted/Barney] Ted: (To waiting woman) So...uh, did you just get in from Detroit? (Points to self) Japan. (Woman leaves) Barney: Okay, carousel four is tapped out. Ready? Because I'm about to drop some knowledge. Cute girls are not from Buffalo. Time-out. Ten o'clock. You ready to rock this, Tedder? Ted: Alright, um, I think we need to refine our back-story first. How did we... Barney: Ted, you klutzy, great guy, you! (Barney shoves Ted into two lady's cart and Ted trips backwards. To Women) Hey, Barney. (Adjusts tie) Laura: Oh, my god. (To Ted) Are you okay? Ted: I... I'm so sorry. Laura: It's fine, oh, you were a little shaky on your landing. I'd give you a 9.2. (Laughs) Ted: So, hi... I'm Ted. Laura: Laura. (Shaking hand) Look I'm really sorry that we have to ht and run but we've got a plane to catch. (Looks to friend, Tatiana) Ted: Oh, where're you headed? Laura: Philadelphia. Barney: Philly? That's where we're headed! Laura: You are? Well...uh...guess we'll see you on the plane. Barney: Yes, you will. (Girls leave. To Ted) Follow them, tickets on me. Ted: No, Barney. Don't you get on that escalator! And don't you dare get on that subsequent escalator! [The Apartment - Marshall] (Marshall studying) Marshall: (singing) Studyin' law. Making a responsible choice for my future... on a Friday Night. Bein' a lawyer had better be awesome. (Phone Rings) Marshall: (on Phone. Singing) What's up, Ted? Ted: (on Phone) Are you alright? Marshall: (on Phone) Yeah. Ted: (on Phone) Hey, guess where I am? I'm on a... ready? Plane to... ready?...Philadelphia. Marshall: (on Phone) That is awesome. Barney: Hey, is that Marshall? (Takes Phone) Marshall, stop whatever you're doing, get in that hoopty-ass Vierro of yours and come meet us in Philly. It's going to be legendary. Marshall: (on Phone) Man, I wish I could, guys, but... Barney: Yeah, yeah, yeah... I sent you some pictures on my phone, check it. (Pictures show Barney doing "I see you" hang gesture) Philly! (Hangs up. To Ted) Admit it, you're having fun. This much fun. Thirty-five thousand feet of fun! Ted: Well I didn't think we'd be on a flying to Philadelphia when I woke up this morning, I'll give you that. Barney: Let's go talk to those girls. Ted: Whoa, whoa, whoa, the seatbelt light is on. Barney: Ted, you've been living your whole life in a seatbelt. It's time to unclick. (Unclicks) Fight Attendant: (Walks by) Sir, seatbelt light's on. Barney: (sits back down) Yeah, sorry, sorry. [The Bar - Lily/Robin] Lily: So I grew up in Park Slope. Robin: Oh, I love Park Slope. When did you move to Manhattan? Guy#2: (Interrupts. To Robin) You're from Park Slope. Robin: (Smiling) Uh, no she is. (Points to Lily) Guy#2: (Ignoring Lily) So where're you from? Heaven. Robin: Yeah, I'm a ghost! Died fifteen years ago, like that pickup line. Lily: (Laughs) Heyow. (Guy#2 leaves) Robin: God, I'm so sorry. Lily: Oh, believe me I've been there. I have this line that I use when guys come (Guy#3 walks by) Check it out. Guy#3: (To Robin) Hey. Lily: You take this one, I'll save it for the next one. [In the Plane - Ted/Barney/Laura/Tatiana] (Ted and Barney are chatting with Laura and Tatiana) Ted: So what brings you guys to Philly? Laura: We're visiting our boyfriends. Tatiana: I think Chris is going to propose this weekend! Laura: (laughs) Isn't that great. Ted: (To Barney) So great. Narrator: So there we were, stuck on a plane to Philadelphia with two very unsingle girls. All thanks to your Uncle Barney. Laura: (Shows them pictures) Aren't they cute? They're both linebackers for the Eagles. Ted: Both? (To Barney) Both of their boyfriends are linebackers. [The Bar - Lily/Robin] (Lily on cell phone with Marshall) Lily: (On Phone) You're going to Philly? Why... Marshall: (On Phone) I...I didn't ask. Lily: (On Phone) Well it sounds like you're having a lot more fun than I am. I'm just talking to guys' backs while they ht on Robin. Marshall: (On Phone) Ouff, yeah... I bet she gets that a lot. Lily: (On Phone) Don't you bet I get that a lot? Marshall: (On Phone) Not with a ring on your finger. I mean, you know, guys see the ring and it's like Cha-Chung! Marshall parking only. Lily: (On Phone) Oh, of course, that's it the ring! I guess I'm not used to it yet. Marshall: (On Phone) Oh, it's totally the ring. If you took that ring off your finger, you'd have a ton o' guys crowding around your junk. Lily: (On Phone) I'm not going to take off my ring! Wouldn't you be jealous of guys swarming all over my beeswax? Mashall: (On Phone) Oh yeah, you know me, I'm the jealous type. Any groom so much as look at you, I'm a sack him in the kisser, no seriously, you girls have a good time tonight. (hangs up) Lily: (On Phone) Bye. (Lily takes ring off and places it in her pocket) Lily: Robin! Robin. (Waves her left hand ridiculously to show that she has no ring. Robin walks over) Hey, I'm over here. [Marshall's car - Marshall](Split scene of Barney and Ted vs. Marshall) Marshall: (On Phone) G-g-g-going to Philly! Ted: (On Phone) Marshall, don't come to Philly. Marshall: (On Phone) But we're on an adventure! Ted: (On Phone) We're on a Tarmac in Philadelphia, crazy adventure. Marshall: (On Phone) Fine! (Hangs up) Barney: (To Ted) No! No! The night is just started. Look, airport bar. Flight attendants! They'll get your tray table at its full upright position. Say what? (Goes for a high five) Officer McNeil: Passengers Mosby and Stinson? Please come with us, gentlemen. Keep your hands where I can see them. Ted: Barney, I am going to kll you. Barney: Don't say you're going to kll someone in front of airport security, not cool. (To security) Not cool. [Officer McNeil's Office - A cop/Officer McNeil/Ted/Barney] Barney: This is an outrage. We are international businessmen on an international business trip. I demand you release us immediately. Ted: You demand!? No, no, no, no, no... he does not demand. We... we... we have no demands! Officer McNeil: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to remain calm. Ted: (Whispering) Okay, yeah. I'm calm... I'm totally calm. Officer McNeil: We got footage of you placing two bags on JFK carousel three, and abandoning them to purchase a last minute flight with cash. Barney: (To Ted) Those bags were your responsibility. Ted: They were your bags. Officer McNeil: Sir, please. We're assessing the bag situation. (Cut to JFK Airport, Carousel three. bmb squad are hovering equipment over their bags) (Officer McNeil's office) Ted: Look, this is all just... it's a misunderstanding. Barney: (Stopping him) Please. (Silence) We are international businessmen. My colleague accidentally left the bags there now please let us go before we miss our international business meeting. Officer McNeil: Can't remember the last time I saw an international business man with an untucked shirt. In addition, we received this footage taken over the last few months. (Footage shows Barney placing two bags onto a carousel and JFK airport. And then a footage of a bag unzipping itself, and Barney jumps out of it to flirt with a woman) Barney: Believe it or not, that duff bag thing worked. Ted: Truth is, my friend... he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it! That's all this is! Officer McNeil: Nobody's that lame. Ted: Yes, he's that lame. Tell them you're that lame! (Silence) Barney: We are international businessmen... Ted: OH COME ON! Officer McNeil: Sir! Lower your voice or we'll restrain you. Barney: Dude, seriously, relax. Ted: We at least get to call our lawyer. Barney: Exactly! (To Ted) We have a lawyer? [Marshall's car - Marshall] Marshall: (On Phone) Listen to me, you're both American citizens. Don't let them pull any patriot-act voodoo. You both retain the right to refuse to answer any questions without an attorney present so don't say anything until I get there, alright? Okay, goodbye (Hangs up. Sings) To Philly! The adventure continues! Destroy! [The Bar - Lily/Robin] Robin: It's ridiculous in here, why don't we go somewhere else? Lily: (Unbuttoning sweater) No, this place is great (positions mouth in an inviting kiss position) Robin: What are you doing? Lily: What? Robin: With your lips and everything...? Lily: My lips are always like this (drinks martini and drops it all over her blouse) [Officer McNeil's Office - Ted/Barney/Officer McNeil] (Ted and Barney have their heads on the table and their hands tied behind their backs) Ted: You had to play the race card. Barney: Relax, Ted. We didn't do anything wrong. And, B.T.W, we'd be out of here by now if you'd have tucked in your shirt. (Ted turns his head to face away from Barney) Officer McNeil: Go ahead, JFK... what is the baggage status? )Cut to JFK Airport, Carousel three with the bmb Squad) bmb Squad Guy: They're clean. It's just a whole bunch of condoms... and a power bar. (Cut back to Officer McNeil's Office) Officer McNeil: You're free to go. [Marshall's car - Marshall] Ted: (On Phone) Don't come to Philly. Marshall: (On Phone) Man, I'm almost half way there! Ted: (On Phone) Yeah, we just got released and we're heading back on the next flight. Meet us at MacLaren's maybe we can still make last call. Marshall: (On Phone) Can't we just... just... Ted: (On Phone) No, we can't just... we're going home! Barney: (To Ted) We're going to Sascha's? Ted: Who the hell is Sascha? Barney: Sascha. (Points to Security Woman) She's having friends over for drinks at her house. It's goanna be legen... wait for it...and I hope you're not lactose intolerant 'cuz the second half of that word is... dairy. Ted: No. Barney: Legendary! Marshall: (On Phone) Legendary, that sounds awesome! Ted: (On Phone) No, Marshall, we're going back. Marshall: (On Phone. Sighs) Fine. (Beep) Hold on I have another call. (Presses button) Hello. Barney: (On Phone) Marshall, we're going to Sascha's! Ted: No, we're not. Barney: (On Phone) Ted, Ted, Ted. (Does I'm watching you hand gesture) Yes, we are. Marshall: (On Phone With Ted) Sorry, Buddy, two against one. (hangs up) [The Bar - Lily/Robin] Robin: Ooh, look a booth opened up. Lily: Really. Robin: Yeah, I thought we could finally go talk, and you're not listening to me, so I'm going to walk away. (notices Lily is busy staring at a stranger) Lily: Yeah, yeah...booth (throws purse to Robin, spots a man. Robin leaves to booth. Man walks up to Robin.) Derrick: Hey. Lily: (Smiling) Hey. (Silence) I'm engaged, sorry. (Puts ring on) I took my ring off! It's very, very sweet of you to come over and talk to me, but I... just... Derrick: Yeah, I'm gay. Just came over to let you know that you sat on a grape. (Lily peels squished grape off her dress) Lily: Oh, damn it! (Takes ring off and places it in her pocket, upset) [Cut to Scenes of Philly] Narrator: So, Barney and I h*t the town. Philadelphia, PA. Our first and only stop... Sascha's party. [Sascha's house - Sascha/Sascha friend's/Ted/Barney] (It's messy and Ted is extremely bored. He's sitting on a couch beside Barney and they are both sitting between to men on a yellow couch staring at space) Barney: So, uh... you're Sascha's friends, huh? Dana: You know it. Sascha: (Comes down the stairs with drinks) You guys, keep the volume down. You're goanna wake my grandpa. Who wants hard lemonade? (They all take some) Barney: Philly! Sascha: Shh! Barney: (Whispers) Philly! [The Bar - Lily/Robin] Narrator: Back at the bar, the girls night out wasn't going as Robin had hoped. (Cell Phone rings) Robin: (On Phone) Lily's phone. Marshall: (On Phone) Robin! Uh... Where's Lily Robin: (On Phone) She's uh... Marshall: (On Phone) Is she talking to some hot guy? Oh, you can tell me. It's totally cool. It was my idea! Hell, I told her she could take the ring off. Robin: (On Phone) Really? Well I thought it was kinda weird, but if you're cool with it. Yeah. It's off and she's talking to some guy. Do you want me to go over and... Marshall: (On Phone) No! Don't interrupt it's awesome. So the rings really off, huh? (Realizing what he's done) It's awesome... Well just tell her I called and... tell her that... she's awesome. (Hangs up. Sings dryly) Really, really awesome. Our relationship is built on mutual trust. (Dryly) I can't breathe! [Sascha's house - Sascha/Saschas's friends/Ted/Barney] Barney: (Laughs) Did you hear that, Ted? Dana works security at the Liberty Bell. Dana: (Smiling) I do okay. Barney: Wow it must be really well cornered off over there. You ever go behind the rope and touch it? Dana: Only all the time. Barney: Ever, like, stick your head inside it? Dana: Yeah. Barney: D'you ever lick it? Dana: Nope, I have never licked it. Barney: Hmm... I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell! If someone were to pull that off I dare say it would be... what's the word? Ted: (Decides he's going to leave) Well, this is my stop. Barney: Legendary, Ted, LEGENDARY! Ted: Barney, I'm going to the airport. Sascha, thank you... and uh... tell your grandpa I'm sorry I walked in on him in the bathroom. (Leaves) [The Bar - Robin/Lily/Derrick] Derrick: I'll get some Club Soda for that stain. (Leaves) Robin: (enters) Lily, I thought tonight was about us hanging out, what are you doing? Lily: Just fending up the advances of that totally hot guy. Robin: Dude, I think that guy is gay. Lily: (Gives in) Oh, I know that guy is gay. Just Marshall and I have been together for nine years. I haven't been single since high school. Robin: You wanna be single? (Laughs) You wanna fight off loser guys all night, does that seem like fun to you? Lily: I guess I wanted to throw this net back into the ocean and see how many fish I could catch. So far, one. One gay dolphin. (Smiles) Robin: And Marshall. Lily, all these girls here tonight are looking to catch what you've already got. Lily: You're right I know. Hey do you wanna get some coffee and have an actual conversation? Robin: If, by "Coffee" you mean "Cheesecake", then yes. Derrick: (enters) Hey, I got that Club Soda. Let's see that booty. (Lily bends over for him to clean the stain, Marshall walks in) Lily: Oh, thank you so much. Marshall (infuriated) You wanna mess pal? That's my fiancé's hot backside that you're dabbing. Lily: Marshall, no. Marshall: Baby, please don't ever take that ring off again. No matter how awesome I say that it is. Derrick: It's okay, man... Marshall: BACK OFF HOMBRE. I'm not that afraid to fight you. You wanna test this guy? Be my guest! Lily: Marshall, he's gay! Marshall: Oh, thank god... I've never been in a fight before. (hugs him) Derrick: You don't say! (Scene Freezes) Narrator: So it turns out Uncle Marshall really was the jealous type. Unfortunately, that guys boyfriend... also the jealous type. (Scene Unfreezes) (Boyfriend pulls Marshall off Derrick and drops him on the floor) Lily: Hey! [Taxi ride to Airport - Ted/Barney] (Ted is exhausted and crabby) Barney: Could have licked the Liberty Bell. Ted: We're going to the airport. Barney: Bong, bong... Ted: Why do I hang out with you? Why? All I wanted was to have a regular beer, in a regular bar with my regular friends, in my regular city! Barney: Ted, Ted... you're not even looking. Ted: No, I'm not. Barney: Look, our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness, okay. Not for the sit around and wait of happiness. Now if you want, you can go to the same bar, drink the same beer talk to the same people everyday, or you can lick the Liberty Bell! You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it! Cabdriver#2: That was beautiful, man! Barney: Thanks, Leonard. Ted, you're missing out on a valuable life lesson! Ted: Look, I don't need you to teach me how to live, okay. I know how to live. If you want to go lick the Liberty Bell just go lick it yourself. Barney: No, it has to be the two of us. Ted: Why? Why do you need me? Barney: Because, you're my best friend, alright? You don't have to tell me I'm yours. But the way I see it, we're a team. Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno. You know what, fine. If you wanna go home... then we'll go home. Ted: Fine...we'll go lick the Liberty Bell! Barney: Good, (smiles) 'cuz we're here! (Hops out) Ted: (voice) I had no idea how Barney redirected the cab without me knowing, but we got out, Dana let us in and by god we licked the Liberty Bell. And you know what it tastes like? [The Bar - Ted/Cute Girl] (Ted talking to a woman) Cute Girl: What? Ted: Freedom... No actually it tasted like pennies. Cute Girl: (laughs) My, god. Did you guys really do that? Narrator: We really did and that was when I realized why I hung out with Barney. I never got where I thought I wanted to go, but I always got a great story. [Title: The Year 2030] Daughter: So, that girl you were talking to... that was mom? Narrator: Kids, every story in a man's life is like a dot in an impressionist's painting. And when you... Son: So that's a no? Narrator: Yeah, that's a no. (Kids are fed up) What? Come on! THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x03 - Sweet Taste of Liberty"}	foreverdreaming
["How I Met Your Mother", credits] [Title: The Year 2030] Narrator: Kids, when you're single all you're looking for is happily ever after. But only one of your stories can end that way. The rest end with someone getting hurt. This is one of those stories, and it starts... with a shirt. Daughter: A shirt? Narrator: Just listen... [The Year 2005] [The Apartment - Ted] (Ted in the closet taking out a shirt) Narrator: Because none of this would have happened if it hadn't have been for that shirt. Ted: (mouths) Wow. [The Bar - Barney/Lily/Robin/Marshall/Ted] (Ted enters) Robin: Nice shirt! Ted: Right? Right? Lily: Look at those colors! Green and brown together at last! Marshall: Hot top, Bro, is it new? Ted: That's the crazy part. I've had this shirt for, like, six years... Until this morning I wasn't into it at all, but now it's like my tastes have changed. Barney: Booger. Ted: Yes, hello, Barney. Robin: Barney's offering me fifty bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report. Barney: Not some stupid word, "Booger". Robin: But I'm not doing it, I am a journalist. Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys... that's not journalism, that's just things in a diaper. Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to the City Hall bat. Lily: City hall, Miss Thang! Robin: So I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "Booger" for fifty bucks. Barney: Of course not, because now you're saying "Nipple" and it's a hundred! (Whispers) Step into my web. Ted: (Sipping drink) Mmm... Who's bourbon is this? Lily: Ooh, I don't know. It was here when we sat down. Ted: Aaah, point is. I seem to like bourbon now. I could have sworn I hated bourbon. First the shirt, now bourbon. I spent twenty-seven years making up my mind about things, right? The movie I saw once in Haden, the city I'll never go back to because it was raining the day I visited. Maybe it's time to start forming some second impressions... Marshall: You're finally gonna watch "Goonies AGAIN? Slow love, Chuck". Ted: (Laughs) Not Goonies, girls. What if there's someone from my past, who I thought was wrong for me at the time, but in fact she, like my shirt, is actually a perfect fit? Barney: Hold up, there are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated. Breast, Implants. Lily: That's not a bad idea. Let's think, Ted's greatest hits... what about that girl, Steph? Ted: Steph... [Flashback to Dinner with Steph] Stefanie: Okay, this is difficult to say, back when I lived in LA, I was pretty broke, so I spent a month making adult films. Ted: Wow, okay... how many did you make? Stefanie: A-hundred-and-seventy-five. [Flashback ends] Lily: Say what you will about the prn industry... they are hard workers. Marshall: What about that chick...um...Jackie? [Flashback to Dinner with Jackie] Ted: And my bathing suit had fallen completely off. Jackie: (laughs with Ted) I know the feeling, once... when I was sixteen, I was driving, and I ht this hitchhiker. Don't know what happened to him... just kept drivin'! (Laughs) [Flashback ends] Ted: Uh...no. Lily: What about Natalie! Marshall and Ted: Natalie! Robin: Who's Natalie? Narrator: Natalie, I had so many fond memories of her. The tea candles on her dresser. The sock monkey collection on her bed. That one Belle and Sebastian song that she always listened to. Her smile. Ted: Man, I haven't seen her in like three years! Robin: Well why'd you guys break up? Ted: I just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time, of course now a big commitment doesn't seem so bad... maybe I should call her? What do you guys think? Barney: You dumped a prn star? Friendship over (gets up) FRIENDSHIP OVER! [Robin's Boss's office - Robin/Joel Adams] Mr. Adams: Come in, (On Phone) Alright, I'll get back to you. (Hangs up) Robin: You wanted to see me, Mr. Adams? Mr. Adams: Yes, I did. I need you to cover a story. (Nods) It's down at City Hall. Robin: City Hall? (Pans In) Oh, my god. [City Hall, Hotdog stand - Robin] Robin: So, next time you're passing City Hall, make sure and stop by New York's oldest hotdog cart. Today a delicious hotdog will cost you $2.50, but back when the stand first opened in 1955, you could get one for only a nipple. Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News One. [The Apartment - Robin/Lily] Robin: I said, "Nipple" on the news! That was so unprofessional! I said, "Nipple" on the news! Lily: At least it's better than booger. (Laughs) Booger. (Barney Enters) Barney: There she is. Hey is it cold in here, because I can kind of see Robin's nickels? Now for your next challenge... Robin: No, there is not going to be another challenge, I don't care how much you offer me. Barney: Oh, search your soul, Robin. You and I both know this wasn't about the money. Sure, Metro News One pays you jack and hey, a little green salad on the side's good for you, me and Mr. McGee. Lily: Seriously, who talks like that? Barney: Well baby really likes, is the thrill of pulling one over on those bean counters, who under appreciate you and still haven't promoted you. And for two more hundy-sticks, baby's going to look in the camera and say this (Whispers in her ear) Lily: Eew. I'm just assuming. Robin: (sighs) I gotta get back to work. See ya. Lily: Bye. Robin: (To Barney) Baby's going to think about it. (Robin leaves. Ted enters from bedroom) Ted: Found it! I found Natalie's number. Lily: Hey, Ted. Nice shirt! Is it yesterday already? Ted: Thank you. I am calling her; this is crazy I haven't talked to her in, like, three years. I wonder if she even remembers me. [Natalie's Apartment - Natalie] (She picks up the ringing phone) Natalie: Hello? Ted: Natalie, its Ted Mosby. Natalie: Go to hell. (Hangs up) Ted: She remembers me. [The Apartment - Ted/Lily/Barney] Lily: Why would Natalie hang up on you? Ted: I don't know! Barney: Did you sleep with her sister? Ted: No. Barney: Sleep with her mom? Ted: No. Barney: I'm losing interest in your story. Lily: Well, you must have done something. Why did you guys break up? Marshall: He wasn't ready for a commitment. Lily: Uh-huh. Ted: And her birthday might have been coming up. Lily: (angrier) Uh-huh... Ted: Okay, so I didn't wanna get a boyfriend level gift for a girl I was just about to break up with. Lily: So you dumped her right before her birthday? Ted: No, I didn't dump her... right before her birthday. Marshall: Uh-oh. [Flashback to Day of Break up. Ted's on the phone] Ted: Natalie! Hey, Happy Birthday! Listen... [Flashback ends] Lily: (hitting Ted with every word) Never...break...up...with...a...girl...on...her...birthday! Ted: LILY WAIT, THE SHIRT! I KNOW, IT WAS A MISTAKE! Lily: Well, did she cry her eyes out? Ted: I don't know. Lily: How do you n...Oh, you didn't! [Flashback to Day of Break up. Ted's on the phone] Ted: Natalie! Hey, Happy Birthday! (Scene splits in two to show he's leaving a message on her machine) Listen... you're awesome. You really are... awesome. I'm just like super busy right now, so... maybe we should just... call it a day. But you're awesome. [Flashback ends] Lily: (Hitting with every word) On...her...answering...machine!? And...on...her... birthday? Oh... who... breaks... up... with... somebody... on... their... answering... machine... on... their... birthday?! Marshall: Yeah, dude, email! Lily: Not exactly the point I was trying to make, Marshall. That is a terrible way to break up with someone. Marshall: Okay, in my client's defense. Is there an unterrible way to break up with somebody? No. Personally I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine than face the humiliation in person. (Lily Picks up her phone) It's the least painful way you can do it. Who are you calling? Lily: (On Phone) Hi, Marshall, it's Lily. We're not going have sex for at least a month. But you're awesome. Okay bye-bye. (Hangs up) Barney: Know, that was a big mistake, Ted. You should've done it in person. Lily: Thank you. Barney: Desperate "Please-don't-leave-me" sex is amazing. Ted: Okay, it was childish and stupid, I just...I didn't want to see her cry. Lily: Well guess what? She cried! You just didn't have the sack to face those tears. Ted: That was me then, okay? This is the new old shirt-wearing, sack-having Ted. I'm gonna make this right. Barney: You know what else? My younger sister just got married and I'm about to turn thirty-sex. Fantastic. [Robin's in a deceased's house] Robin: An occasion that was supposed to be joyous suddenly turned tragic when Ethel and Sadie Marsolis, New York's oldest twins, suddenly passed away on this, the eve of their one hundredth birthday. I'm a dirty, dirty girl (Slaps behind). Ow. Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News One. (Camera man mutters a word or two) Producer: Joel Adam's wants to see you in his office (leaves) [Mr. Adam's Office - Robin/Mr. Adams] Robin: Before you say anything, I just want to say, I really like working here at Metro News One. Mr. Adams: That's great. So my dog keeps going (Makes three consecutive dog scoffs) Robin: What? Mr. Adams: Well you have dogs, right? What do you... what do you think that means? Robin: Take him to the vet? Mr. Adams: Genius. (Smiles) That's one I owe you. Robin: Was that all? Mr. Adams: Yeah. (Robin gets up to leave. Then stops) Robin: And nothing about the twins' story? Mr. Adams: Oh, yeah, great job on that one. New York loves you. You're a superstar, bye-bye. Narrator: That's when Robin realized, no one, not even her boss, watched Metro News One. [Natalie's Apartment] (Bell Rings. Natalie looks through the peephole and sees a giant sock monkey. Opens the door) Ted: Hi. (Natalie slams door shut) Ted: Natalie. Come on, I just want to say I'm sorry. I only came down here because you wouldn't take my call. Natalie: I have an idea. Why don't you leave a message? Ted: (Fake laughs) Good one. Okay, fine. I'm just going to leave this sock monkey here (Pretends to walk away) Goodbye. (Natalie opens door. Ted jumps in) Ted: Natalie... I. Natalie: OH! Ted: OKAY, okay... I... look, look. I know you're mad. Happy Birthday (hands her a sock monkey) Three years ago. Natalie: Oh yeah? Up yours... three years ago (closes door. Ted opens it) Ted: No, look... I was an idiot for leaving that message. I realize how much that sucked. Natalie: (shakes her head) No you don't. [Flashback to Day of Breakup] (Pans out on Answering Machine to show people listening in the apartment because it's a surprise party) Ted: (On Machine) Maybe we should just, call it a day? But you're awesome. Okay, bye. (Hangs up) (Natalie walks in. Everyone stands up) One Guest: Surprise... (Awkward moment) [Flashback ends] Ted: There was a surprise party that night? (Natalie nods) How come nobody told me? People think I can't keep a secret but I totally can! Sorry, not the issue... Look, Natalie, I was just a stupid kid back then, terrified of commitment. Natalie: And I suppose you're suddenly ready to get married and settle down? Ted: Well, yeah, actually (smiling). I'm a different guy now. Give me another chance. Natalie: You must think I have absolutely no self respect. Ted: Come on... Just a cup of coffee. (Pretending the sock monkey's talking) Please Natalie. Give the guy a chance. (Natalie looks at the sock monkey) Self respect is over-rated! (Monkey raises right arm as though it's a fact. Natalie laughs) [Natalie's Apartment - Ted/Natalie] (After sex) Natalie: Wow. Maybe it was the caffeine, but you really brought your game up to a whole new level. Ted: Thanks. I did just start subscribing to esquire. They have some helpful columns. The following, is from the October issue. Narrator: So, Natalie and I started dating again and just like that it all came back. The tea candles. The Sock monkeys. Belle and Sebastian... all of it. It seemed like happily ever after wasn't far off. [The Bar - Ted/Natalie/Lily/Marshall/Barney] Natalie: Well I better run, I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour. Ted: Krav Maga, how cool is it that she does Krav Maga? Natalie: Thanks honey. Ted: Hmm... Natalie: Bye, guys. All: Bye. Marshall: Dude, what's Krav Maga? Ted: I have no idea. Some kind of yoga? Barney: You know, that Natalie... she's good times. Marshall: Yeah, she's like the best girl you've dated in years. Lily: Yeah, Ted, hold on to that one. Ted: Yeah, I have to break up with her. Marshall: I don't get it, man, Natalie is awesome. Ted: I know, she's terrific, but I have to break up with her. Lily: (Hitting with every syllable) Why... couldn't... you... leave... that... poor... girl... alone? Ted: I know! I hate this. These past three weeks have been great. I should be in love with her, but I'm not feeling that thing. It's ineffable. Marshall: Ineffable... good word. So when are you going to do it? Barney: She's probably on the subway by now. You could call her Voice Mail. Beep, dumped. Click. Done! Ted: I have to do this face-to-face. I just... I don't know what I'm going to say! Marshall: "I'm not ready for a commitment." Lily: Oh, that's such a cliché. Marshall: It's not a cliché, it's a classic. It's the stairway to heaven of breakup lines. Lily: Well, I think Natalie deserves better. Marshall: Better. There's no better in breaking up. There's only less awful. A cliché's a cliché for a reason. It's comforting. Ted: It doesn't matter, I already told her I am ready for a commitment, so... oh, my god... there's no way out... I'm going to have to marry her. Marshall: No, no. We're going to get you out of this. Okay, how about... "It's not you it's me"? Barney: Mm... Mm! Six words! You... look... fat... in... those... jeans..., you're free to go. Lily: Ted, have you considered telling her the truth? (Barney and Marshall share a laugh) Barney: Seriously, honey, men are working, here. Lily: Ted, what is the truth? Why do you want to break up with her? Ted: The truth? She's not the one. Lily: So, tell her that. Marshall: Oh, you can't tell her that. That's horrible. Lily: Why? What is so horrible about that? Ted: Yeah, what is so horrible about that?..."She's not the one." Why is that such a heart-breaking thing to hear? The chances of one person being another person's "The one" are like six billion to one. Lily: Yeah, you have better chances of winning the lottery. Ted: Exactly, you wouldn't take it personally if you lost the lottery. Marshall: Alright, man, tell her the truth. She's goanna cry. Lily: Yeah, and he's going to sit there and he's going to take it like a man. Ted: I have to do the mature thing. (Robin enters) Robin: Want to talk mature? I just wrapped up a live newscast by honking my own boobs. Barney: And great TV was had by all. Alright Scherbatsky, new challenge. And this one's big. But so, is the cash reward. For one thousand dollars, you heard me, all you have to do is get up there on the news and do one of these... (does odd dance) Robin: What the hell is that? All: The Ickey Shuffle. Barney: And as you do it, you say this, "Elbert Ickey Woods. The bangles were fools to cut you in '91. Your 1521 rushing yards and your 27 touch downs will not be forgotten. So Coach Dave Shullah, screw you and your crappy steakhouse." Robin: Just write it down for me. What do I care, it's not like anyone's watching anyway, right? (Sits down) Ted: Man, she's gonna cry. Lily: Slow loves junk Ted: Thanks, Lil. [At the Restaurant - Natalie/Ted] Narrator: So the next night I took Natalie out to dinner. To do the mature thing. Ted: Look, uh, Natalie there's something I have to say. Natalie: Oh wait, wait. There's something I have to say first. Today at work, I had not one, not two, but three birthday cakes, so tonight; can we just skip the cake? Ted: Today is your birthday? Natalie: Yeah, no that's okay... I wasn't telling anyone about it. Ted: Today's your birthday! I... I didn't get you anything. Natalie: Oh, it's okay. You know you've already given me the best present of all. I can trust again. Ted: You're welcome. (Chugs wine. To waiter) Oh, so much more wine. [West 53rd Street, Horse sab - Robin/Henry] Robin: Henry, as New York's oldest handsome cab driver, you've seen quite a lot. (Cut to TV in bar) Robin: (On TV) In your past sixteen years on the job what is your most exciting memory? Henry: (On TV) Well... Barney: Ahh! This is it. Lily: Oh, boy, here we go. Barney: (To everyone in the bar) Everyone, everyone... If I may direct your attention to the television. You're about to see something... amazing. Henry: (on TV) And them, in '72, Mickey Mantle rode my cab for the fourth time. Barney: Come on, baby... bring it home. Henry: (on TV) But the most exciting moment, that would have to be this one, right now. Robin: (on TV) What? Henry: (on TV) Look at me, I'm on TV. I never thought I'd have my story told. Thank you, Miss Robin Scherbatsky. (Cut to outside West 53rd Street, Horse sab) Henry: Thank you. Narrator: And right then, Aunt Robin realized how important her job truly was. Robin: It's an honor to tell your story, Henry. (On TV in Bar) Robin: (on TV) You know, Metro News One may not be number one in viewer ship. But this reporter takes pride in... (trips and falls off camera) Whoa!! OH! Oh, my god! I'm covered in horse crap! It's in my hair!! Oh my, ow... ow my knee. Marshall: You planned that? Barney: No, Marshall. That was beyond my wildest dreams (Robin's wailing on TV) [At the Restaurant - Ted/Natalie] Natalie: So, if you ever come to Alabama, my mom throws these huge crawfish boils and she's just dying to meet you, by the way. Ted: Look, Natalie, there's something I have to say and there's no good way to say it. I wanna break up. I don't think you're the one for me. I don't want to waste your time because I really like you. I wanna do right by you, and I think the best way to do that is just to be honest. I'm sorry. (Natalie covers her face) Just let it out. They're only tears. (Throws her spaghetti on him) Aah! Natalie: I'm not the one for you? Ted: I'm sorry. I just thought the mature thing to do would be... Natalie: It's my birthday! Ted: Yes, I know I didn't realize that it was... Natalie: It's my birthday and you're telling me I'm not the one for you? Ted: It's really not such a big deal. I mean it's the odds. It's like you lost the lottery. Natalie: Oh, so dating you is like winning the lottery? Ted: No, no, no. I didn't mean that. Natalie: Okay, So what's the problem? Ted: It's... I can't explain it. Natalie: TRY! Ted: It's... ineffable. Natalie: I'm not "F-able"? Ted: No, no, no, no. Ineffable, ineffable means it can't be explained. Natalie: Oh, so I'm stupid? Ted: Oh, god what's going on? Natalie: Okay, "what's going on" is, you broke my heart over my answering machine... on my birthday, waited three years for me to get over you. Tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again only so you could dump me three weeks later. Again on my birthday! Ted: No, it's... it's not like that. I'm just... it's, it's, it's. Natalie: WHAAAT!? Ted: I'm just like super busy right now. Narrator: Remember when Natalie said. [Flashback] Natalie: I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour. [Flashback ends] Narrator: Turns out Krav Maga is not a kind of yoga. It's a form of gorilla street fighting developed by the Israeli army. (She kicks Ted and he flies back) [The Bar - Robin/Barney/Marshall/Lily] Waiter: This is compliments of those two gentlemen at the bar. (For Robin) Guy#1: (mimicking) My knee! Guy#2: (mimicking) It's in my hair! (Robin's embarrassed) Barney: But isn't it nice to know that people are watching? (Robin shakes her head. Ted enters bruised) Marshall: Oh, my god. Are you alright? Lily: What happened to you? Ted: Told the truth, turns out the truth has a mean round house kick. Marshall: Oh, man. Lily: Oh, well you did the right thing. I'm proud of you. Ted: I'm bleeding internally. Barney: Hey, Ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down? Other people's misfortune. You missed something so amazing. Robin: Please can we please have one person in this whole bar who didn't see it? Barney: Fine. Lily: Are you okay? Ted: I really thought I was going the good way this time. I guess there is no good way. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, you just end up flat on your back flailing around in a big pile of horse crap! Robin: You saw it? Ted: It's going against the internet now! It's okay, grow up. Narrator: And that's how it ended with Natalie. No happily ever after. Just a whole lot of hurt. And just like that all those wonderful memories were replaced. By this one (Cut to Natalie beating him up) Narrator: But you know, bad as that night was... within a year Natalie was married. With three beautiful children. So that's the up side of her. Sometimes it happens for a reason. [Title: The Year 2030] Son: Wow, so you bat up by a girl? Narrator: Is that all you're taking away from this story? Son: You got bat up by a girl? Narrator: Hey, she knew Krav Maga. THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x04 - Return of the Shirt"}	foreverdreaming
[ How I Met Your Mother, credits] [Title: The Year 2030] Narrator: So kids, would you like to hear the story of the time I went deaf? Son: Why does he even ask? Daughter: I know, he's just going to tell us anyway. Narrator: I sure am. It all began. [The Bar - Ted/Robin/Barney] Narrator: When Robin strolled into the bar and said. Robin: Say you're my bitch. Ted: I'm your bitch. Why this time? Robin: Because tonight, I am getting us all into "Okay". Barney: "Okay"!? Awesome!! Ted: What's going on, did I just have a stroke? Barney: "Okay" is the name of a club. Yeah, it's supposed to be incredibly exclusive. This friend of mine once waited outside for two hours, he couldn't get in. Ted: A friend of yours named you? Barney: No... a friend of mine named, shut up. Robin: Yeah, well the owner goes to my gym. It turns out that he is a fan of my reporting for Metro News One. So now, I'm on the list for tonight. Ted: Nice going, Scherbatsky. You're becoming a long and difficult-to-spell household name. Robin: He's even getting me into the VIP room. Barney: Yeah, he just wants to show you his own VIP if you know what I mean... Robin: Okay, what does "VIP" stand for in your universe? Barney:... I know that the "P" is penis. Robin: Alright, so you guys are in. Should I invite Marshall and Lily? (Ted and Barney laugh) Narrator: Why was this funny? I'll explain. You see. (Shows picture of Lily's Classroom) Narrator: Lily was a kindergarten teacher. And so, one fateful naptime... [Flashback - Lily's Classroom] (Kids Napping and Lily talking to friend, Claire) Claire: Austin and I spent Saturday night at the most charming bed and breakfast. It was so nice. What did you do this weekend? (Cut to the Bar) Crowd: CHUG, CHUG, CHUG (etc...) (Lily chugs beer) Marshall: TEN SECONDS!! Lily: SUCK IT LOSERS! (Burps) (Cut to Kids Napping and Lily talking to friend, Claire) Lily: You know, quiet time with the fiancé. (Cut to the Apartment. Lily talking to Marshall) Lily: I don't know, I just felt embarrassed. Claire is my age, and she and her husband do all these classy grownup stuff. Maybe we should start doing some grownup stuff. Marshall: That was some pretty grownup stuff we did this morning. Lily: (Laughs) Yeah, but it wasn't classy. Maybe we should have a wine tasting party. Marshall: I like wine. I like tasting. You know I can party, let's do it. Let's rock it, maturity style! [Flashback ends] Ted: Ever since then she's been signing him up for book clubs, cooking classes... Barney: All the things you do when you know where the next ten thousand lays are coming from. Ted: So, no. Lily and Marshall will not be doing this. Robin: Got it. Anyway, Ted, part two of my story: my friend Kelly's going to be there. Ted: Kelly, who supposedly I'm gonna love? Robin: Oh, you are gonna love Kelly. She's fun, she's smart, she lives in the moment. Barney: Translation, she's ugly, she's ugly, she ugs in the ugly. Robin: Oh, and she's totally hot. Ted: Okay, I guess I can take her off your hands for an evening. Barney: So, do you have any other hot single fr... Robin: No, Kelly works with the news breakers... [The Apartment - Ted/Lily/Marshall] (Ted walks out of his room, well-dressed) Lily: Oh, no, Ted, your blazer! Ted: What, what, what...? Lily: Somebody spilled gorgeous all over it. Love it! Ted: Thank you. Barney: (enters) And his hair was perfect. Lily: Hey we're wearing the same shirt! Oh, wait no that's just my shirt reflected in yours. Barney: One of the twenty-four similarities between girls and fish is that they're both attracted to shiny objects. You really never read my blog, do you? Ted: Alright, Tin-Man. Let's ht it. Marshall: Alright, well, have fun at your little disco, guys. Barney: What the hell happened to these two? Lily: Marshall and I are just growing up. Marshall: Yeah, it's going to be sweet, too. Like tonight we're tasting all these different wines, pairing them up with these cool gourmet cheeses... Barney: Wow, who knew being committed in a heterosexual relationship could make a guy so gay. Ted: Alright, cool kids are leaving now. Grandma, grandpa... don't wait up. [Outside the Okay club - Ted/Barney] Barney: My, oh, my there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. Alright, hookup strategy, colon, find a cutlet; lock her in early, grind with her all night till she's mine. Ted: Do strategies ever work for you? Barney: Question is: do these strategies ever not work for me? Either way the answer's "about half the time". Robin: (Shows up) My bitches! Check this out. (To Doorman) They're with me. (Doorman allows them in) Bradley: (Geek on the street) Uh... we're her bitches too. (Doorman gives them a look) We'll wait here... [The Apartment, the Wine Tasting Party - Marshall/Lily/Their friends] Chris:...And with todays interest rate climbing, you gotta go for the thirty year fixed mortgage. Austin: Oh, totally. (High-five) So, Marshall, what about you? You guys thinking house, baby? Claire: Ah! (Laugh) Marshall: Ah, no I think we're going to wait on the baby thing. I mean I love babies. Babies rule. Pudgy arms and stuff, but they make you old. Kind of like this anchor weighing you down to one spot...forever. Claire: I'm three month's pregnant. Marshall: I don't know guys. It's not awkward unless we let it be awkward. ["Okay" Club - Robin/Ted/Barney] (Coat check) Ted: This place seems great. Is Kelly here? Robin: Yeah, she's around somewhere. Let's go find her, I'll introduce you guys. Then I should probably dock into the VIP room, so stupid and arbitrary isn't it, who get's to be in VIP and who doesn't? Ted: Can we come? Robin: It's... not that arbitrary... (They walk closer to entrance) Ted: Whoa... this place in lourd! Barney: You think? (The enter dance floor) (Incredibly loud music. You can't hear anything the characters are saying... you see subtitles) Barney: (Subtitle) Okay, it's a little loud. Robin: (Subtitle) There's Kelly. (Leads them through the crowd) (Barney opens shirt a little. Robin finds Kelly, they hug. You see them being introduced) Ted: (Subtitle) You want to go somewhere we can talk? Kelly: (Subtitle) Totally! (Walks him to the middle of the dance floor and starts dancing) Ted: (Subtitle)...Okay... (Barney dances behind a woman he doesn't know. Woman doesn't notice who he is but accepts. They grind.) [The Apartment - Lily/Marshall/Their friends] Marshall: You think it was kind of weird that Ted didn't invite me out with him? Lily: Why, you'd rather be out at some dance club, all noisy and sweaty with the... (Imitates music bat). Is that what you want? (Imitates music bat.) Marshall: Is this what you want? (Imitating Chris) Thirty year fixed mortgage. (Imitating Claire) I'm three months pregnant. (You see Claire behind him) That was awkward. (Claire turns around and leaves) Lily: (to guests) Let's start drinking! Chris: Oh, not so fast. In order for the tannins to mellow, you should let it breathe for about thirty minutes. Marshall: Freaking ten ends. [Okay Club - Robin/Ted/Kelly/Barney] Robin: (To VIP room doorman. Subtitle) Robin Scherbastky? (Door man shakes head) Robin Scherbatsky! (Doorman refuses. Robin walks away) Ted: (Subtitle) So, how do you know Robin? Kelly: (Subtitle) Sagittarius. Ted: (Subtitle) Is that near Westchester? Kelly: (Subtitle) I would love one. Just a beer! (Imitates sht. Ted mouths "Oh, okay" and leaves) [The Apartment, Wine Party - Lily/Marshall/Their friends] Marshall: You know what they're doing in there right now? They're watching Claire's ultrasound video and I swear to god even the baby looks bored. Lily: Come on, it's not that bad. We're really starting to click with these guys. Claire and Austin just invited us to their fondue fest next Saturday night. Marshall: You're also trying to get me excited about fondue? Lily: It's dipping stuff in hot cheese, what's not to love? Marshall: Okay, that does sound good. But it's dipping stuff in hot cheese with boring people. Lily: Marshall, it's time for us to grow up. Narrator: Marshall knew she was right. He had to stop acting like a kid. [The Apartment (Bathroom) - Marshall] Narrator: But not tonight. Now our apartment was on the third floor, so I'm not sure if this part is actually true, but Uncle Marshall swears it happened. (Cut to alleyway) (You see Marshall landing a jump on the ground, then walking off camera) Marshall: Taxi! [Okay Club - Ted] (Ted edges over to the bar and orders two beers) Bartender: (Subtitle) "34". Ted: (Subtitle) "14"? Bartender: (Subtitle) "34" Ted: (Subtitle) "7"? (Bartender writes down "34", then shows Ted) Bartender: (Subtitle) "34!" [The Apartment - Lily/Her friends] Chris: The new album is great; it's all smooth and polished, not all dark and heavy like the early stuff. Claire: Oh, yeah. Norah Jones just gets better and better. Lily: Please tell me we can drink the wine now. Chris: Five more minutes, we don't want to rush to tannins. Lily: Freaking tannins. [Okay Club - Ted/Kelly] Ted: (Subtitle) You really like this place? (Kelly nods. Subtitle) You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? I'm from outer space! I got thrown out of Sea World for humping a dolphin! (Music stops. Ted yells) I'M WETTING MY PANTS. (Everyone stares at him. Music begins again) Narrator: I think that's when I realized, clubs weren't awesome. Clubs weren't even "okay". Clubs sucked. I had to get out of there. [Outside the Okay Club - Marshall/Robin] (Marshall runs in) Marshall: Hey, Robin. Robin: Hey! Marshall: Why aren't you inside? Robin: I'm calling the owner, there's a guy in there who won't let me in to the stupid VIP room. What are you doing here? Marshall: Oh, I had this move. So I came here to bust it. Can you get me in? (Motions to doorman that he's with her) Robin: Great, voicemail. Marshall: Thanks, I'll see ya. Robin: Bye. Phil: (another geek outside) Oh, come on! He just got here! Man on Street: Probably famous. Bradley: Oh yeah, isn't there a third Affleck Brother? Keith Affleck or Brian Affleck or something? Phil: Holy Crap. We just saw Brian Affleck! (High-five) Robin: (On Phone) And it's not that I care so much about getting into the VIP room, I have been in tons of VIP rooms, not exactly a VIP room virgin. (You see doormen changing shifts) Seriously, call me back. (Turns around to doorman #2) Oh, um... I was just in there. Robin Scherbatsky, I'm on the list. Doorman#2: Name's already crossed off, sorry. Robin: But, I'm Robin Scherbatsky. I'm a reporter for channel one. Doorman#2: There's a channel one? Back of the line! Phil: You shoulda snuck in with Brian Affleck. [The Dance floor in the Okay Club - Barney/Ted/Marshall] (Barney grinding with random woman. Barney tries to see her face, can't. Ted walks by.) Ted: (Subtitle) I'm bailing, see ya. Barney: (Subtitle) Oh hey, I can't see her face. Is she hot? (Ted checks) Woman: (Subtitle) Hi. Ted: (Subtitle) Nice eyes. Cute smile. Out of your league. (They continue grinding. Ted leaves. Bumps into Marshall) Marshall: Aah! Coat wench do not uncheck that man's jacket. Sorry, just being dramatic. You're not a wench. Coat Check Girl: No, no, no. Coat wench, I like it. I should get a sign made of it. Ted: What are you doing here? Lily let you go? Marshall: Lily? Pfft. Who cares right? Ted: You are so dad. Marshall: Oh, I'm so dad. Ted: Wow. Uh... I'm going home. Marshall: Aah! I put my ass and probably other parts of my body on the line to party with my bro. Now damn it, we're gonna party. Ted: Alright, one beer. Marshall: Yes, finally I don't have to wait half an hour for a drink. [Title: One Half Hour Later...] (They come out of the bar with drinks) Marshall: (Subtitle) Yeah. No tannins. (Scene Freezes) Narrator: Oh man, I can't believe I forgot to tell you this. This is important to the story. Earlier that day, Marshall went to the dentist and got a temporary crown put in. Okay, so anyway. (Scene unfreezes. Marshall drinks beer. Jolts, falls to the ground) Marshall: (Subtitle) AAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!! (Pulls out crown) Ted: (Subtitle) Come on, let's go. (Marshall refuses) Marshall: (Subtitle) I'm staying. (Marshall dances ridiculously, in pain) [The Apartment (Bathroom) - Lily] (Lily talking to the bathroom door) Lily: Marshall, are you okay? (Walks in and discovers he ran away out the open window. She calls Marshall and hears loud music, hangs up shocked.) Narrator: Again, I wasn't there. So I'm a little foggy on the details. (Lily jumps on the ground of the alleyway) Lily: Taxi! [Outside the Okay Club - Robin/Lily] Lily: Hey. Robin: Hey. Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Can you get me in there? I kind of need to kll him. Robin: Actually, I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. No VIP. I'm not even an IP. I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter. Lily: Know something; I'd take a pee in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day. (They realize it sounds gross and laugh) [Okay Club - Ted/Marshall/Barney] (They play music that stops and plays every few seconds.) Ted: (Subtitle) There's Barney. I'm leaving. (Marshall wobbles over to Barney) (Music stops for five seconds) Marshall: Broke my tooth. (Music plays for five seconds, stops for five seconds) Marshall:...Do you have... (Music plays for five seconds, stops for five seconds) Marshall:...any aspirin? (Music plays for five seconds, stops for five seconds) Barney: Maybe theres... (Music plays for five seconds, stops for five seconds) Barney: a machine in... (Music plays for five seconds, stops for five seconds) Barney: The restroom. (Marshall goes to the restroom) Narrator: Now to this day, I don't know what happened in there. But when Marshall came out a few minutes later, (Marshall comes out happy and relieved) (Ted asks for coat) Coat Check Girl: Rough night? Ted: Yeah, these clubs are supposed to be fun, right? Why do I hate them so much? Coat Check Girl: Because all of the stuff you're supposed to like... usually sucks. Like these clubs or cruises. Ted: Or New Year's Eve. Coat Check Girl: Or the Super Bowl. Ted: Or parades. Coat Check Girl: The rockettes. Ted: Or parades. Coat Check Girl: (laughs) You said that already. Ted: I really hate parades. (Laughs) [Outside the Okay Club - Lily/Robin] Lily: He just left, in the middle of our own party, you don't do that. Unless, of course, you're chasing after someone who's already done it, and then I think it's okay. Robin: Well, I hate to take his side... but come one a wine tasting? What's the big plan for next Saturday, scrabble night? Lily: Don't check your email. Robin: Why are you becoming this person? I heard that in college you flashed a campus tour group on a dare. Lily: Once on a dare. The other times were just for fun. I'm not in college anymore. I'd love to go back and be that person again, but you can't move backwards you can only go forward. Robin: Um, pause... you can go wherever you want. I guess the question is where do you want to go? Lily: I want to go into this club and find my fiancé. Robin: Well that you can't do. (Silence) Lily: Wanna bet? (They get up) Follow my lead. (To doorman) Hey, big guy. (Flashes doorman, geeks watching.) I said follow my lead. Phil: "Follow my lead". Bradley: Please, please, please. (Robin flashes. They enter) Bradley: Those were the four greatest and only breasts I have ever seen. [Inside Coat Check room in the Okay Club - Coat Check Girl/Ted] Coat Check Girl: Yeah, see, everyone keeps telling you something is supposed to be fun, it's usually not. Ted: Right. Coat Check Girl: Right! Ted: So, by that logic, if you and I were to, say, go out on a date. Coat Check Girl: Then we couldn't go anywhere that's supposed to be fun. Ted: Right. The DMV it is. Coat Check Girl: Then we'll get our teeth cleaned. Ted: Sounds awful, it's a date. Coat Check Girl: (laughs) Okay. Ted: But there's still one big question that needs to be answered. (Music stops) Ted: How many of these coats do you think I could put on all at once? (Music starts) [The dance floor - Lily/Robin/Marshall] (Lily motions for them to split up and look for Marshall. He's in the middle of a dance circle busting his moves. Lily just watches amazed. Marshall notices his fiancé. Lily laughs.) [The Apartment - Marshall and Lily's friends] Chris: Okay, this question is for the wedge. (Takes a question card) [The dance floor - Barney/Leslie/Ted] (Barney grinding. They turn around and finally see each other) Woman: Barney?? (Pushes him away and storms off. Barney walks out to the coat check) Ted: (Comes out wearing many coats) Barney. Barney: Ted, bring your coat, we're leaving. Ted: What? What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with? Barney: That was my cousin, Leslie. Ted: (laughs) What?! Barney: No, no, no... we are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not going to be some funny story that we'll be telling in a couple months. It's not gonna be like, "Hey, remember that time when you were grinding with... NO! And you know why? Because, italics, this night did not happen. And you promise me that you will never, ever, ever tell another soul what transpired here tonight. You promise. Promise Ted: (Laughing) Alright, I promise. Let's get Marshall and go, okay. (Takes coats off. To Coat Check Girl) Hey. Thanks for saving my night. I'll talk to you soon? Umm, hey... tip her, Barney. Barney: Why, I didn't check a coat. And even if I did, on principle tip jars have become so... Ted: Funny story, Barney was grinding with this girl all night... Barney: FINE! Just... eh. (Leaves) Ted: That's a handy new trick. (They run up to the dance floor) Narrator: So, Marshall and Lily rediscovered their youth. It was nice, and then it got icky. (Lily and Marshall kiss and she grabs his ass) Barney, Ted and Robin: (Subtitle) Eww. [The Cab ride home - All] (They're all deafening from the loud music. Silence) Ted: (Yelling) I'M REALLY GLAD YOU GUYS CAME OUT TONIGHT. Marshall: (Yelling) YOU KNOW DUDE, CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING? IT KIND OF HURT THAT YOU GUYS DIDN'T INVITE ME OUT (Lily's asleep on his shoulder) I MEAN I KNOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE I GOT ENGAGED BUT IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE TO BE ASKED. Ted: I'M SORRY, I JUST ASSUMMED YOU... Barney: THEY PLAYED SOME GOOD SONGS TONIGHT. Ted: --HAD OTHER PLANS. I MEAN LATELY... Marshall: I KNOW, I KNOW. IT JUST SEEMS LIKE SUDDENLY WE'RE LIVING IN TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS. MAYBE YOU'VE GOT MORE IN COMMON WITH BARNEY. Barney: WHAT? Ted: YOU CRAZY? YOU THINK I LIKE GOING TO THOSE CLUBS? I'D SO MUCH RATHER GO TO YOUR FRUITY LITTLE WINE TASTING. (Lily wakes up) Lily: Oh, my god...I'm going to barf. Where's my purse, where's my purse? (Sleeps) I'm okay. Ted: PROBLEM IS... YOU CAN'T DO ANY OF THAT COUPLE STUFF UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMEONE TO DO IT WITH. AND THE ONLY WAY I'M GOING TO FIND THAT SOMEONE IS BY GOING OUT DOING STUPID SINGLE STUFF WITH BARNEY. Barney: WHAT? Ted: BUT MAN, WHEN I FIND HER. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SOME BADASS WINE TASTINGS. Marshall: IT'S A PLAN! HEY MAYBE IT'LL BE THAT CUTE COAT CHECK GIRL! Ted: YEAH, MAYBE IT WILL BE. (Scene Freezes) Narrator: It wasn't. (Scene unfreezes) Marshall: YOU KNOW, TED, I DON'T SAY THIS NEARLY ENOUGH BUT REALLY... Barney: THAT PLACE MAKES GREAT SALADS! (Music begins as Lily shifts her head over to Ted's shoulder.) THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x05 - Okay Awesome"}	foreverdreaming
[The Year 2030] LIVING ROOM (Daughter and Son sitting on couch) Future Ted: You know how Aunt Robin's a big fan of Halloween, always dressing up in crazy costumes? Well, she wasn't always that way. Back in 2005, she thought she was too cool for Halloween, unlike Aunt Lily. BAR (Present day, Marshall, Barney and Robin sit at booth; Lily enters bar and heads over to them) Lily: Guess what came in the mail today? (Lily sits down next to Marshall) Marshall: Our costumes? Do they rule? Lily: They rule. And yours is 100% wool so you won't get hypothermia like last year. Marshall: Tarzan nipple blue. Barney: You know what I love about Halloween? It's the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner ho-bag. If a girl dresses up as she a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat. If she's a nurse... Lily (interrupting): Wow, we get it. Barney: She's a slutty nurse. Marshall: Robin, what are you doing for Halloween? Robin: Oh, I don't know. Probably hanging out with Mike, this guy I've been seeing. Lily: Mike? There's a Mike? You have a boyfriend? You haven't told us? Robin: No, I mean, he's not my boyfriend. He's just this guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks. Lily (in a sing-song voice): Boyfriend. Marshall: So why haven't we met him? Robin: We're not really ready to go public yet. Barney (in a sing-song voice): Married. Lily: How about we go about a Halloween double-date? Robin: I don't know, we were kinda thinking about staying at home and dressing up as naked people. Lily: Come on, Robin, trot our your new fella. Let us judge and evaluate him behind your back. It'll be fun. (Marshall looks over to see Ted approaching) Marshall: Hey, Ted, you'll never guess what happened? Ted: Your costumes came. Marshall: Our costumes...yes, that is why we're best friends. Robin: Hey, Ted, what are you doing for Halloween? Ted: Well. Marshall, Lily, Barney: Awww. Robin: What? Lily: Every Halloween Ted waits for the Slutty Pumpkin. Ted: That's right. Robin: What's the Slutty Pumpkin? Ted: You mean, who is the Slutty Pumpkin? It was four years ago. EXT. ROOFTOP (Ted at Halloween party 4 years ago) Ted: I was at this Halloween party up on the roof of our building. I'm about to call it an early night when out of nowhere appeared this girl in the sexiest pumpkin costume. BAR Robin: Wait, how can a pumpkin costume be sexy? Ted: It was carved in strategic places. Ted: So, uh, we're at the bar and I see her mix kahlua... Lily: Kahlua and root beer Marshall: A cocktail she invented herself. Ted: And she... Barney: And she called it the Tootsie Roll. Lily, Marshall, Barney: Because it tastes like an alcoholic Tootsie Roll. Ted: Hey, can I please tell this story? So we had this instant connection. She gave me her number, but then something... Marshall, Lily, Barney: Something went terribly wrong. Ted: Guys! Something went terribly wrong. APARTMENT (Halloween four years ago, Lily, dressed up as Sonny, is passing out candy at front door) Lily: Happy Halloween. (Ted walks in through front door) Ted: Sonny, where's Cher? Lily: Cher? (Marshall walks in from his bedroom dressed up as a woman) Marshall: Right here, babe. Ted: I just met the perfect woman. She's funny. She's beautiful. She loves Star Wars. Marshall: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. What's her take on Ewoks? Ted: Loves them. Marshall: Oh good. I don't know why people are so cynical about Ewoks. The Rebellion would have failed without the Ewoks. Ted: Get this, she's a marine biologist. She spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins. Marshall: Oh, penguins are cool, kinda like black and white Ewoks. I approve. Ted: Hey, where's my, uh, Kit Kat? I put it right here on this table. Lily: I don't know, but we have plenty of chocolate here. Ted: No no no, you don't understand. I need that Kit Kat. She wrote her number on that wrapper. Where is it? Lily: Uh-oh. (Ted runs out front door and chases down kid dressed up as Dracula) Ted: Hey, Dracula. Come on. Give me your candy. Gimme! (Ted grabs kid's candy and dumps it on the floor) Ted: Where's the Kit Kat? Where's the Kit Kat! BAR Ted: Never found her number, never saw her again. But every year they have a Halloween party up on the roof so that's where I'll be. Barney: You know, Ted, it's been four years. She could be engaged or married or, God forbid, fat. Ted: I don't know, I got a feeling. This could be the year. Halloween is a night of wonder and magic. (Lily, Marshall, and Barney groan) Ted: OK, bring the mockery. Fine, I can take it. Come on, wouldn't it be the coolest story ever if the Slutty Pumpkin turned out to be my future wife? Lily: Oh, on the off chance that that could happen, maybe we should stop calling her the Slutty Pumpkin. (Marshall, Barney, and Ted mumble in agreement) APARTMENT (Ted sitting on couch alone with laptop) Lily (from bedroom): Ted, is your world ready to be rocked? (echo) rocked-rocked-rocked. Ted: Can't wait. (Marshall and Lily walk out in their pirate and parrot costumes) Marshall: So, what do you think? Lily: (repeats like a parrot) So, what do you think? (squawks) Ted: Wow! Marshall, you wearing eye liner? Marshall: Oh, yeah. Weirdly hot, right? Lily: We are so gonna win the costume contest this year. Marshall: First prize, $50 gift certificate at the bar. Ted: And how much did you pay for your costumes? Marshall: $100 Lily: (like parrot) Each. Ted: Well, I think you guys look great. (Ted gets up from couch and leaves laptop on couch) Lily: What are you going as? Oh, like I even have to ask. Ted: Hey, I want the Slutty Pumpkin to recognize me and she knows me as a hanging chad. (Ted puts on his costume as a ballot with a hanging chad) Ted: What? She thought it was hilarious. Lily: Yeah, four years ago, but nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is. Marshall: What a sad commentary on our national attention span that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history. Lily (like parrot): Sad commentary. (squawks) Lily: All right, Polly gotta pee. Marshall: Again? (Lily and Marshall walk toward bathroom) Ted: Where are you going? Marshall: It's an elaborate costume. (Ted goes over to couch to shut laptop, Ted hears music coming from direction of door, Ted opens door to find Barney dressed in flight suit with "Danger Zone" playing behind him, Barney walks in a few steps, takes off his sunglasses and shakes his head around) Barney: No, no, not again. Not this year. You're going as my wingman. Flight suit up! (Barney throws a costume to Ted) Ted: No thanks. I'm sticking with the hanging chad. Barney: Oh you're dangerous, Maverick. Your ego's writing check your body can't cash. OK. Here's the plan, and I crap you not. I'm getting us into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party. Trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging. Ted: We can get rejected by supermodels any night of the year. Tonight, I'm going up to the roof, I'm gonna have a few beers, I'm gonna wait for the Slutty Pumpkin. That's just what I do. Barney: Hm, (putting up left hand) Victoria's Secret models prancing around in bras and panties, or (putting up right hand) Yale preppies reuniting their stupid a capella group. What's that left hand? Right hand sucks? Word. Ted: I'm heading up to the roof. Barney: Well, boys, looks like it's just the three of us. What's that? Self-five? Nice. (high fives himself) We out. (Robin comes in front door) Robin: Hey, Chad, how's it hanging? Ted: Hey, word play. Funny. (Ted and Barney walk out front door) Robin: (to Barney as he walks by her out the door) Whoo. Robin: (to Lily) Nice outfit. Lily: I'm a parrot. Robin: You sure are. (Robin closes door) Lily: Where's Mike? Robin: He's meeting me here. I ran late covering the Halloween parade in the Village. There are like a zillion gay pirates this year. (Marshall walks into living room from bathroom) Marshall: Seriously, does my eye liner look OK? Lily: Yes, it's weirdly hot. Lily (to Robin): So, where's your costume? (Knock at door) Robin: Uh, you know, Mike and I joked about doing something together but we decided not to dress up. (Robin opens door and Mike is standing there dressed as Hansel) Robin: Oh, geez. Mike: Hi. Robin: Ah, everyone, this is Michael. Th-that is not his real hair. Mike: Where's your costume, Gretel? Robin: You thought I was...Oh, I was just kidding. I gotta stop making jokes in e-mails. It's so hard to convey tone. Marshall (aside to Lily): I think we got them b*at. (Marshall gives Lily five) EXT. ROOFTOP (Barney and Ted walk through Halloween party) Barney: I can't believe you talked me into this. Ted: I didn't. You followed me up here. Barney: This party sucks. There are seven chicks here. (guy in dress takes off blonde wig) Barney: There are six chicks here. Ted: Relax, the night is young. It's gonna get better. King Costume Guy: Ladies and gentlemen, as on-pitch as they were at Spring Fling '95, it's my pleasure to welcome back the Shagarats. (People applaud) Shagarats: (singing) My bonnie lies over the ocean. My bonnie lies over the sea. My bonnie lives over the ocean. Oh bring back my bonnie to me... (Barney walks over to bar and drinks from large bottle) BAR (Lily, Marshall, Robin and Mike at booth) Barney (talking like pirate): What be a pirate's favorite kind of sweater? Lily: Arr-gyle. Barney (talking like a pirate): And what be a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant? Lily: Arrr-by's Barney (talking like a pirate): Would think it would be Arby's, (talking normal) but actually it's Long John Silver's. Robin: Actually I kinda need this hand to eat. Mike: Oh. (waiter brings food over) Lily, Robin: Oh yeah. Oh, thank you Marshall (like pirate): Starrr-ving Lily: It's so nice to meet you, Mike. You guys are really cute together. Mike: Yeah, we've been spending a lot of time together. We're even getting to that point where we finish each other's (stops talking, waiting for Robin to finish sentence) Robin: This cheeseburger is so... Mike: Good. See. Lily: I think you won the dish-off tonight, baby. This steak totally bitch-slapped my pork chop. Marshall: That might be true but your rice pilaf kicked my spinach in the crotch so hard it threw up a little bit. (Lily feeds Marshall some food) Mike: (holding a fork of food out) Robin, you have to try this chicken. Robin: Oh, well, that's good. I'm OK, thanks. Mike: Really tasty. Robin: I'm just really feeling this cheeseburger. Mike: Come on, just try a little bite. Robin: Dude, I'm kind of in the zone here. Lily: Oh for God's sake. (Lily grabs Mike's hand and eats food from his fork) Lily: Really tasty. EXT. ROOFTOP (Shagarats finish singing, Barney approaches girl in hula outfit at bar area) Barney: Hey. Hula Girl: Hey. Barney: So, what does a fella have to do to get lei'd around here? Yeah. Hula Girl: Right, cuz I'm wearing a lei. (Hula Girl walks away) Barney: It isn't funny if you explain the joke. (Ted walks over to Barney) Barney: Let's bail. Ted: Oh, Barney, come on, I'm having fun. It's really great seeing these guys again. Barney: Name one person you know at this party. Ted: Well, there's ninja, back of horse. Where's front of horse? That guys a riot. Where is he? Barney: OK, I'm leaving, but just know that this Victoria's Secret party is on a yacht. And what will be sticking to that yacht? The Barnacle. (points to self) Ted: Really? That's the nickname now? Barney: Yeah, the Barnacle. Ted: The Barnacle. Barney: That's it. Barnacle out. (Barney walks away) Ted: Have fun, Barnacle. LADIES ROOM (Robin and Lily walk in towards sink area) Robin: So, do you like Mike? Lily: Do you like Mike? Robin: Of course I do. Why? Lily: It just doesn't seem like it. You won't share your food. You won't wear a costume. Robin: Ah, Lily, you know me, I'm just not into all that couple-y stuff. Lily: OK, I know that stuff looks dumb from the outside, but it's kinda the greatest thing in the world when you're a part of it. If you just give it a chance, you might like it. Robin: Are you trying to get me to join a cult? Lily: Robin, Mike likes you. If you don't start meeting him halfway, you're gonna lose him. Robin: What? Lily: Look, it's Halloween. Just put on the girlfriend costume for the night. Robin: OK, what am I supposed to do? Buy him a giant teddy bear or something? Lily: How about you start by sharing dessert. Robin: I can share dessert. He better want the brownie sundae, but yeah, yeah, I can totally share. (Robin and Lily walk out of the ladies room) EXT. ROOFTOP (Ted notices Barney at party wearing devil costume) Ted: Barney. What, you're back? Barney: That's right. Ted: In a totally new costume. Barney: Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression. Barney: What's with the face? Ted: It's half you're pathetic, half I have to pee. Barney: So go to the bathroom. Ted: No, there's a huge line. I don't want to miss the Slutty Pumpkin. Barney: So pee off the roof. Ooh, Ted, pee off the roof. (Barney gets behind Ted's right shoulder, guy in angel costume comes up to Ted's left shoulder) Angel Guy: Whoa, I wouldn't do that if I were you. There's people walking down there. Barney: Come on, Ted, who are you going to listen to? Me or Mr. Goody-goody over there. Angel Guy: Yeah, whatever. You guys got some weed? BAR (Robin is trying to take Marshall and Lily's picture so that it looks like Lily as a parrot is sitting on Marshall's shoulder) Robin: A little to the left, Marshall. Lily, squat down. Marshall: This is gonna be a slaughter. None of these other costumes even come close to ours. Lily: Take the damn picture. (squawks) Robin: Got it. Marshall: I still think we should have won as Sonny and Cher. Maybe if I had worn that red dress. Ha! If I could turn back time. (Marshall, Mike, Lily and Robin sit back down at booth) Robin: Wow, this sundae looks so good I could eat the whole thing. (Lily taps Robin on arm) Robin: But, um, I would much rather share this small, one-scoop sundae with you, Mike. Marshall: Apple tart, excellent choice, Lilypad. Lily: Thanks, Marshmallow. Robin: Well, let's dig in, Mi... Mi... Microwave Oven. EXT. ROOFTOP (Barney approaches Hula Girl) Barney: Let me guess. Every guy has used the lei'd line on you tonight. Hula Girl: You wouldn't believe. Barney: I apologize for my gender. Let me make it up to you. Make you a drink. Hula Girl: You certainly are a charming devil. Barney: I'm also a horny devil. (pointing to horns on top of head) Yeah. Hula Girl: No. (Hula Girl walks away, Barney turn around to see Angel guy smirking at him) Barney (to Angel Guy): Oh, go to hell. BAR (Robin and Mike, Lily and Marshall share desserts) Mike: You know, if you guys like tiramisu we found this little Italian place... Robin: No, you found it. I came with you. Go on. Mike: I'm just saying we love tiramisu. Robin: I cannot get enough of it. Mike: We're crazy for this stuff. Robin: I'm crazy and you're crazy for tiramisu. Mike: We love tiramisu. Am I wrong in saying that.? Robin: No, no, no, I mean it just sounds a little bit weird, doesn't it? We love tiramisu. Is it really a group activity, loving tiramisu? Right? Marshall: So this Italian place? How's their cannoli? Robin: See there, hungry. (Robin grabs dessert from Mike) Mike: Yeah, looks like we're both hungry. (Mike reaches over for dessert) Robin: Hey, is that Gary Oldman? (pointing behind Mike and Marshall) Mike: Wait, where? (Mike and Marshall turn around to look, Robin tries to scarf down the sundae) Mike: I don't see... (Mike turns back around to see Robin trying to eat the sundae as fast as she can, Robin looks up to see everyone looking at her) Robin: Brain freeze. EXT. ROOFTOP (Barney and Ted talking) Barney: OK Victoria's Secret party right now. Ted: Nope. Barney: Come on, I can't stand to watching my delusional friend waste another precious Halloween. The Slutty Pumpkin is not coming. Ted: She might. Barney: Oy. Ted: Come on, Barney, this is not about the odds, this is about believing. This girl, she represents something to me, I don't know, hope. Barney: Wow. I did not understand a word you just said. Lingerie models on a boat! Ted: (shrugs) See ya. Barney: No, see ya. (evil laughs, sparks something in his hands) Ow. BAR Robin: Wanna drink the melty part? Mike: You know what, it's getting late. I think I'm gonna take off. (Mike gets up to leave, Robin follows) Robin: Hey, I thought we were gonna follow those bread crumbs back to my place, Hansel Mike: Robin, I don't get the sense you like being with me. Robin: I like being with you. Mike: Not as much as you like being alone. You like eating your own food, sleeping in your own bed, doing your own crosswords. Robin: Well, who uses ink? Sorry. OK, I'm a bit set in my ways. That doesn't mean that this won't work. Mike: Actually, it kinda does. Robin: Wait, are we breaking up? Mike: We aren't breaking up. I'm breaking up with you. (Mike walks away) EXT. ROOFTOP (Ted standing alone) Future Ted VO: And then just when I was about to lose hope. (Ted notices someone in a penguin costume) (flashback to 4 years ago when Ted was telling Marshall and Lily about meeting the Slutty Pumpkin) Ted: She spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins. (Penguin pours kahlua and root beer into cup) Future Ted VO: Kahlua, root beer, could this penguin be the Slutty Pumpkin? (Ted walks over to Penguin) Ted: Uh, excuse me, this is gonna sound crazy, but I met someone up on this roof four years ago and they mixed that cocktail and they loved penguins. By any chance, was that you? It's you. I was crazy but I can't... (Penguin removes head to reveal Barney) Barney: You are such a loser. Come on, I came back for you, Ted. I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways. And to score hula girl's number. Check and check. Ted: Unbelievable. Barney: Yes, it is. (Hula Girl walks over and notices Barney in penguin costume) Hula Girl: Wait a minute. You're that lame army guy. Barney: What? No no, that's some other guy and he was a kick-ass fighter pilot Hula Girl: I cannot believe I gave you my number Barney: Yeah, well, you did, thanks. Hula girl: Well, give it back. Barney: Uh, I don't think so. I earned it fair and square. I'm calling you. Hula Girl: But I'm never gonna go out with you. Barney: But how will you know it's me? I'm a master of disguise. Yeah. (Hula Girl sighs and walks away) Ted: Nice. Barney: Come on, Ted, Victoria's Secret party now. Let's go. Ted: I'm staying. Barney: Fine. Fine. (puts his flipper up towards Ted) Ted: What are you doing? Barney: I'm flippering you off. BAR (Lily, Marshall and Robin sitting at booth) Lily: Sweetie, I'm so sorry. Robin: Seriously it's not a big deal. He wanted to be a 'we,' and I wanted to be an 'I'. Dudes are such chicks. You guys, I'm fine. Carl: Ladies and gentlemen, the results are in. And the winners of this year's costume contest are Lily Aldrin as a parrot and Marshall Eriksen as a gay pirate. Marshall: Oh yeah! (Marshall and Lily get up from booth) Marshall: Wait. What did he say? Lily: Oh, who cares, Marshall? We won! Marshall: Gay pirate, where are you getting that from? Carl: Dude, you're wearing eye liner. Marshall: OK, I just want everybody here to know that I'm not a gay pirate. I have sex with my parrot all the time. That came out wrong. Oh yeah, it doesn't matter! We won! Lily: I love you, Marshmallow. Marshall: I love you too, Lilypad. (Lily and Marshall kiss) Robin: You guys, let me get a picture. (Robin takes picture) EXT. ROOFTOP (Ted sitting as people leave Halloween party, Robin walks in) Robin: I had a feeling I'd find you here. Ted: Hey. If you're here for the Shagarats, you just missed the fourth encore. Robin: I never played any team sports Ted: Are we playing 'I never' cuz there's nothing left but peach schnapps. Robin: I played tennis in high school. You know why? Because it was just me out there. I couldn't even stand playing doubles. I just got dumped. Ted: Man, that sucks. Robin: Yeah, it's OK. I wasn't that into him. Story of my life. Everyone else is all falling in love and acting stupid and goofy and sweet and insane, but not me. Why don't I want that more? I want to want that. Am I wired wrong or something? Ted: No. Look, you didn't want to be with me so clearly you have abysmal taste in men. (Robin laughs) Ted: But you're wired just fine. Robin: Well, what if I'm just a cold person? Tonight, Mike was willing to look like a complete idiot for me, but I couldn't be Gretel. Why can't I be Gretel? Ted: Because you just haven't met the right Hansel yet. One day you're gonna meet a guy who's gonna make you want to look like a complete idiot. Robin: Really? Ted: Yeah, he's out there somewhere, just like the Slutty Pumpkin. (echoes) pumpkin-pumpkin... Robin: How do you do this, Ted? How do you sit out here all night on the roof in the cold and still have faith your pumpkin's gonna show up. Ted: Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look, I know that odds are the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning but it seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait. (Robin sits down by Ted and shares blanket) Robin: Scoot. END	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x06 - Slutty Pumpkin"}	foreverdreaming
YEAR 2030 LIVING ROOM (Daughter and Son sitting on couch) Future Ted: Kids, before I met your mother, when I was still out there searching, I learned something valuable, that love is not a science. Daughter: Wow, that was a great story, Dad. Son: We're gonna go watch TV. (Daughter and Son get up and leave) Future Ted: You see, sometimes in life, you just have to accept that certain things can't be explained. And that's kinda scary. (Daughter and Son return to sit on couch) BAR (year 2005; Ted, Barney and Robin sitting around table; Lily and Marshall run in) Marshall: Oh my God. Lily: I know, I'm still shaking. (Lily grabs Barney's drink and drinks from it) Barney: What the? Haha, joke's on you, I have a cold. Robin: Are you guys OK? Marshall (yelling over to bartender): Another round and back it up for me and Lily. Ted: What happened? Marshall: We saw something, up in the apartment. Lily: Something bad. (flashback to Lily and Marshall entering apartment while kissing) Marshall: I don't know what it is, but margaritas make me sexy. Lily: Oh, mucho sexy. You quiero Marshall. (Marshall and Lily hug and kiss, Lily looks over and sees something and looks scared) Lily: Oh my God. (Lily and Marshall scream and run out of the apartment) (cut back to present scene in bar) Ted: What was it? Marshall: Only the craziest, meanest looking mouse you've ever seen. Lily: Mouse? Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse. That was a huge cockroach. Marshall: Baby, it was a mouse. It had a whiskers. Lily: But those things coming out of his head, those were antennae Barney: Marshall ran away from a cockroach. Marshall: It, it was a mouse. Barney: Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man. Robin: Ooh, my story's on. Ted, pay attention. Carl, turn it up. (newscast on TV) Robin: I'm here with Ellen Pierce, New York's premiere matchmaker. Ellen, your company, Love Solutions boasts a 100% success rate. What's your secret? Ellen: Science. Everything in life can be broken down to ones and zeros, even love. All I have to do is input the variables, run the algorithm, and presto manifesto, you have a soulmate, and it works. Just ask all of my happy couples. And these are just the attractive ones, I have more photos in the bathroom. Robin: Love Solution's Ellen Pierce, a beacon of hope for New York city's lovelorn. Robin Scherbatsky... BAR Barney: Was that chick at the end really a client? Robin: Yes. Barney: We're signing up. Ted: What? Barney: Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot. That's a perfect cocktail. Shake well, then sleep with. Ted: I'm not going to a matchmaker. That's like giving up. It's the man version of getting a cat. Marshall: No, it wasn't a cockroach. It had fur and only mammals have fur. Lily: It was a cockroach. Marshall: Come on, Lily, the only way that that was a cockroach was if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just klled. Lily: Oh my God. (Lily grabs Barney's drink as he's about to take a drink from it and drinks it herself) Barney: Come on. APARTMENT (Ted sitting on couch reading magazine, Ted hears squeaking and tiny footstep noises, Barney barges into the apartment_ Barney: Ted, hurry, you gotta help me. My boat is sinking. Ted: What? Barney: My boat is sinking. Ted: You have a boat? Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction. I just got a call from a guy down at the marina that it's leaning starboard at a 45 degree angle. If I don't get there right now, it's gonna capsize. Now, come on! (Ted and Barney run out of the apartment) OFFICE (Ted and Barney are filling out applications for Love Solutions) Ted: Your boat is sinking. That was good. Barney: Come on, Ted, this is an incredible opportunity. We'll meet our soulmates, nail 'em and never call them again. (chuckles) (Ellen enters the office) Ellen: All finished, gentlemen? Congratulations, you have just taken your very first step. Barney: Gosh, thanks, Ellen. I sure hope this works. I'm so done with the single life, all the games, the meaningless sex. Ellen: You deserve more. Barney: That is so true, Ellen. I really think I'm ready to stop being a me and start being a we. Hey, is there anyway I can let it be known that I love cuddling? (Ellen, Ted and Barney sit around desk) Ellen: Oh, of course you can. That is so... Barney: It's kinda hard to talk about with Ted here, but I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night when the tears come. Ellen, can you help me find her? Ellen: Get out. Barney: What? Ellen: I get 15 guys like you every week. Jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail 'em and never call them again. Barney: Oh my God, people do that. Ellen: You wanna do this the easy way or the hard way? Barney: What's the hard way? Security roughs me up and tosses me out? Ellen: That's the easy way. The hard way is that I stomp the crap out of you myself. (Barney looks like he doesn't believe her, Ellen stands up quickly, Barney stands up to run away) Barney: OK, Ted, let's go. (Ted gets up to leave) Ellen: Not you, you stay. (Ted and Ellen sit back down) Ellen: You're cute. You're an architect. Good career and you didn't use an obvious alias on your application like your friend, Jack Package. Barney (through office door): It's pronounced 'Pa-kojj.' Ellen: Get outta here! (Barney runs away) Ellen: You I can work with. You give me three days and I will find the woman you will marry. Ted: Ah, no thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's New York City. You know, plenty of fish in the sea. Ellen: Plenty of fish in the sea. Yes, there's 9 million people in New York, 4.5 million women. Of course you wanna meet someone roughly your own age, let's say, plus minus 5 years. So if we take into account the most recent census data, that leaves us with 482,000. But, uh, wait 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility and then you have to take out the ex-girlfriends and the relatives and oh, we can't forget those lesbians and then that leaves us with 8 women. Ted: That can't be right. Eight? Really, eight? Ellen: There are 8 fish in that big, blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there's the door. Ted: Do you take credit cards? BAR (Barney and Robin sitting at booth; Marshall and Lily walk in) Lily: OK, it's back and this time we got a good look. (Lily sits by Barney and takes his drink away from him and drinks it) Barney: Hey, seriously, you have to stop doing that. Marshall: It's bigger now. It's been feeding. Lily: We were just upstairs watching TV. (flashback to Lily and Marshall sitting in apartment on couch in front of TV) Marshall: Ah gosh. (Marshall and Lily see something on ground) Lily: OK, let's do this. (Lily grabs aerosol spray can, Marshall grabs large phone book, Lily sprays and Marshall throws phone book on it, Lily screams and Marshall holds her) Marshall: Shh, shh, it's OK, it's over. (phone book starts moving towards kitchen, Marshall and Lily run out of apartment) (back to scene at bar) Barney: So did you get a good look at it? Lily: Yeah. It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton like a roach... Marshall: But it has mouse-like characteristics. Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail. Robin: So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse? Lily: It's a cockamouse. Robin: What? Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse...you know... Barney: ht the horizontal ten-legged interspecies cha-cha? Robin: That's impossible. That simply can't happen. Lily: Oh, but it can. Marshall: And it has Lily: And it's pissed. (Lily and Marshall down shts) (Ted walks into the bar) Ted: Dude, is everything OK? You left the front door open. Marshall: There was no time. Robin: So Love Solutions, did you meet the love of your life? Ted: She said it'd take three days. It's been five days. Should I be worried? Lily: Oh, just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it. Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb? Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. Ted-out: to overthink. Also see Ted-up. Ted-up: to overthink something with disastrous results. Sample sentence: Billy Tedded up when Ted: OK, I get it. Don't worry, I'm not gonna ted anything up or out. I'll just give it a few more days. LOVE SOLUTIONS OFFICE (subtitled '20 minutes later,' Ted enters Ellen's office) Ted: Hi, Ellen. Remember me? I'm Ted. Ellen: Ted, hi. I meant to call you. The computer is still crunching the numbers. Busy as a bee, that little computer. Ted: You said it was gonna be three days. Ellen: Did I? Ted: Hm. Ellen: Three days? Really? Ted: Yeah. When someone says you're gonna meet the perfect woman in three days, you gotta put that in your datebook, so... Ellen: How do I say this? This is gonna be really hard. Ted, there are absolutely no women out there for you. Phew, actually I got through that OK. (return from commercial break) Ted: There are no women for me out there? I thought you said there were 8. Ellen: I know. There are supposed to be. I don't know where they are. Ted: But, I'm an architect. And you said I'm cute. I'm a cute architect. Ellen: How do you think I feel? I have a 100% success rate. It's my hook. I could probably find somebody for you if you were gay. Ted: Well, I'm not. Ellen: A little bi maybe? Ted: No. You're messing with me, right? Ellen: Come see for yourself. (Ellen brings Ted over to her computer) Ellen: I cannot set you up unless you have a compatibility rating of 7.0 or higher, and look, 5.4, 4.8, 5.6... Ted: There's a 9.6 right there. (Ted points to something on computer monitor) Ellen: Don't touch the computer. Yes, Sarah O'Brien. I fixed her up six months ago. She would have been absolutely perfect for you. Ted: What about the guy you set her up with? Is he a 9.6 compatibility rating? Ellen: 8.5. Ted: So he sucks. Ellen: No, 8.5 is an extremely good match-up quotient. Ted: Oh, sure, it's good. It's solid. But a 9.6? Ellen: Yes, 9.6 is off the charts, but Sarah is matched up. Ted, look, I have a lunch. Please. I promise we will find you somebody. Don't lose hope. There are new women turning 18 every day. (Ted and Ellen leave office, Ted sneaks back into office and goes to computer and takes printouts, hides them in his jacket and runs back out of office) BAR (Lily and Marshall giving presentation at bar, Marshall is drawing something on a little chalkboard) Lily: He's a whole new species. The cockamouse. Marshall: And it's the size of a potato. (Marshall shows everyone his drawing of the cockamous) Robin: So, what, now it's a cockapotatomouse? Marshall: Don't make it sound ridiculous. It's a cockamouse. (Barney and Ted are sitting at booth with Ted looking at printouts he took from Love Solutions) Ted: My God, this is incredible. We're like the same person. Sarah O'Brien loves brunch. She wants to have two children. Her guilty pleasure song is Summer Breeze by Seals and Croft. Barney: Wow, Ted, sounds like you're her perfect woman. Marshall: And like the majestic seahorse it's hermaphroditic. Lily: Obviously the whole thing is shrouded in mystery. Marshall: For as much as we know about the cockamousse, there are still so much we don't know. Robin: Well, we know that there's no such thing as a cockamouse. What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking. Marshall: So you really don't believe in the cockamouse? Robin: Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal but you've exaggerated it in your mind, you know, um, like the Loch Ness Monster. Marshall: If by 'like the Loch Ness Monster,' you mean, totally exists and is awesome, then yeah, it's like the Loch Ness monster. (Robin walks over to Ted and Barney) Marshall: It's diet is not unlike our own, grains, cereals and it's awfully fond of cheese... Ted: OK, this is getting weird, the similarities go on and on. She hates phonies. I totally hate phonies too. She's a dermatologist. I have skin. Barney: You wanna be her boyfriend. She already has a boyfriend. It's uncanny. Ted: All right, but it wouldn't hurt to check her out, right? See what my 9.6 looks like in person, as, you know, a frame of reference. And if she thinks she can do 11.45% better, who am I to deny her that? Future Ted VO: That's right, I did the math. DOCTOR'S OFFICE (Ted waiting in examination room, doctor walks in) Ted: Hi. Sarah: Hi, I'm Dr. O'Brien. Ted: I'm Architect Mosby. Sorry I just wanted to say my job too. (Sarah laughs) Ted: Hi, I'm Ted. Sarah: So, what are we doing today? Ted: I have a kind of mole on my back. It's probably nothing but I'm a cautious guy. Sarah: I'm exactly the same. Ted (singing): Summer breeze makes me feel fine, blwing through the jasmine in my mind. Sarah (joining in singing): blwing through the jasmine in my mind. Ted: Sorry about that, Summer Breeze is my guilty pleasure song. Ted: Oh, it's been stuck in my head ever since I heard it this weekend at brunch. Sarah: I love brunch. Ted: It's the best, as long as I don't have to spend it with a bunch of phonies. Sarah: I like the way you think, Architect Mosby. Ted: Hey, this may sound weird but it'll definitely sound more weird once my shirt's off so I'm gonna ask you now. Do you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night? Sarah: Oh, that's very sweet, but I'm actually getting married on Saturday. Ted: Friday night? (return from commercial break) Ted: Wow, you're getting married. Congratulations. Sarah: Thank you. Ted: I'm really sorry I asked you out. If just felt like there might be this weird connection between us. How crazy am I coming off here? Sarah: Only a little. Ted: Well, by some million to one sht, and I'm not rooting for this, you wind up not getting married this weekend, give me a call. Sarah: OK, but it's not likely. I look damn good in my dress. Ted: I'm sure you do. APARTMENT (Lily and Marshall working on contraption in living room area, Robin walks in from kitchen) Robin: Wow, that's a pretty sophisticated trap. You think the road runner's gonna fall for it? Lily: OK, we get it. You're skeptical. But Marshall and I, we're believers. We believe. Marshall: Yeah, look around. The universe is mysterious and awesome. You got the Bermuda triangle, ghosts, Big Foot. Robin: Bad maps. Creaky houses. Hillbilly in a gorilla suit. Marshall: Aliens. (Robin shakes her head) Marshall: Oh, come one, you gotta give me aliens. Stonehenge. Area 51. There's alien crap all over the place. Robin: You can't be serious. Marshall: My friend, you just poked the bear. (Marshall walks toward his bedroom, Ted and Barney walk in through front door) Ted: So, my 9.6, beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged. Robin: Oh. Lily: Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry. Ted: Yeah, it was a long sht. I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mine, but I don't know... Lily: Whoa whoa whoa, let's not skip over this. Raise your hand if earlier today you ht on an engaged woman. (Ted and Barney both raise their hands) Barney: Come on, Lily, don't hate the player, hate the game. (Marshall walks in from his bedroom reading from a book) Marshall: On the night of July 2nd, 1947, conditions were clear over Roswell, New Mexico. Robin: Oh geez. Marshall: Oh, hey, Ted, there's a message on the machine for you. Dr. O'Brien. Ted: What? Marshall: When suddenly, an array of (Ted jumps over to machine and shushes Marshall to listen to message) Sarah (on answering machine): Ted, hi, this is Dr. O'Brien. About today, listen, I really need to talk to you. Call me, I'll be at the office all day. Barney: The doctor will see you now. (return from commercial break) Ted: What should I do? I should totally go down there, right? Lily: Don't interfere. Some guy is expecting to marry this woman on Saturday. Ted: Yeah, an 8.5 guy. Look, if I was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there and knew it, I'd want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so. In that scenario, I'm not interfering, I'm a happy ending. Barney: (chuckles) Happy ending. Ted: Look, I have to go down there. I don't know what's gonna happen when I get there but I have to give it a sht. (Ted leaves apartment) Barney: All right, see you later. Happy hunting. (Barney and Robin get up to leave) Lily: Wait, where are you guys going? Don't you want to stay and see the cockamouse. Barney: Yeah, we're gonna make some crop circles. (pot falls down from contraption) Marshall: Oh my God! Lily: Holy crap. We got it! What do we do with it? Marshall: Calm down, I have a plan. I told my friend, Sudeep, about it. He wants to show it to the Columbia biology department. But it has to be alive. Lily: Wait, no no. They'll do lab experiments on it. That's so mean. Shouldn't we just bat it to death with a bat? DOCTOR'S OFFICE (Ted enters Dr. O'Brien's office) Ted: Hello again. Sarah: I'm glad you came down. I would prefer to say this to you in person. Ted: Go ahead, Sarah, you can tell me anything. Sarah: You have a basal cell carcinoma. Ted: Anything else? Sarah: Your mole. The biopsy came back. It's not life-thrat, but we should excise the rest of it. Ted: Wait, then you're still getting married. Sarah: Of course I'm still getting married. Ted: But we're a 9.6. Sarah: Excuse me. Ted: OK, I, I went to Love Solutions and I saw on Ellen Pierce's computer that you and I are a 9.6. Your fiance's only an 8.5. Sarah: You looked at my file. Ted: I had to. You're my only match. Aren't you even a little curious? The woman who set you up with your fiancé thinks we're a better match. Sarah: I am getting married on Saturday. Ted (singing): Summer breeze... Sarah: Ted. Ted: Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive marrying a guy you just met a few months ago? Sarah: Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know? Ted: See, we're both impulsive. We're perfect for each other. Sarah: Ted, just calm down. Ted: Calm down! You're my only match! There was a computer and there were 8 fish in the sea full of lesbians. Sarah: Ted, Ted, do you honestly believe deep down that there is no one else out there for you just because some computer says so. Ted: Didn't used to. There was math, I got confused. Sarah: Love isn't a science. You can't calculate a feeling. When you fall in love with someone, 8.5 equals a perfect 10. Ted: You're right. LAB (Marshall bring Sudeep cockamouse in pot) Sudeep: If this thing is what you say it is, it could be huge for my career. Marshall: Brace yourself, dude. This is gonna blow your mind hold. (Sudeep moves cover to peek into pot) Sudeep: You bastard, I actually got excited about this. Marshall: What? Sudeep: It's empty. (Sudeep removes cover of pot completely and Marshall looks in) Marshall: Wait, but if it's not here, that means...Lily. APARTMENT (Robin sits on couch, Lily walks into living room area but backs away and hides) Lily: Robin. Robin: What? (Robin walks over to Lily and sees what she sees) Robin: Oh my God. It's real. Lily: Oh, is it? Do something. (Robin throws drink at it) Lily: What the hell was that? You trying to get it drunk? Robin: It was the only think I could think of. (Marshall runs into apartment) Marshall: Lily thank God. (Lily points over to cockamouse) Marshall: Lily, I love you. (Marshall grabs cockamouse and run towards window) Marshall: Robin, open the window! (Lily, Marshall and Robin run over to window and Robin tries to open window, Marshall throws cockamouse out the window) Robin: It can fly. Lily, Marshall: Wow. Marshall: Be free, mutant beast. I'll miss this private wr of ours. I grew to admire your tenacious...Oh my God, it's headed this way. (Marshall slams window shut and animal flies into it) LOVE SOLUTIONS OFFICE (Ellen sits alone in the dark, Ted enters office) Ted: Hi Ellen. I think I want my money back. Ellen: I'm a failure. I'm all washed up. I tried everything, Ted. I widened the search parameters. I tweaked the program. Last night, I stood out on the street for five hours showing your photo to random pedestrians, no takers. Although this trnsvstite hooker said he/she would do you for half price because you kinda look like John Cusack and his/her favorite movie was Say Anything. Ted: Come on, Ellen, I mean, a pint of ice cream isn't that a bit cliché? Ellen: It's for the bourbon. Ted: This isn't hopeless. You're gonna find someone for me. Ellen: No, I won't. You're gonna die alone. Ted: I'm not gonna die alone. Look at me. I'm bright, I'm attractive. You just have to get back out there and keep looking. Ellen: No, you're never gonna find anybody. And every year, you're just getting older and it's getting harder and harder. Ted: You're being ridiculous. I'm gonna be up on that wall one of these days. Ellen: No you won't. Ted: Yes I will Ellen: How do you know? Ted: I don't know, but I believe. Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy city, then, dammit, so can I. Ellen: You're losing me. Ted: Point is, something good is going to happen to me. Maybe your computer will help, maybe it won't, but it'll happen. Ellen: So I should keep looking? Ted: Of course you should. And now you're gonna do it for free. END	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x07 - Matchmaker"}	foreverdreaming
THE YEAR 2030 LIVING ROOM (Daughter and Son sitting on couch) Future Ted: So kids, there are many buildings New York City. EXT. NEW YORK CITY BUILDINGS Future Ted: Thousands of apartments. Millions of stories. And even though it's been decades and someone else lives there now, there's one apartment in particular that will always be our apartment. I have so many great memories of that place. EXT. APARTMENT (Marshall sitting on couch playing video game) Future Ted VO: Marshall playing video games. (Lily painting on fre escape, drops paintbrush) Future Ted VO: Lily painting on the fre escape. Mr. Madsen: Hey! Lily: Sorry, Mr. Madsen. (Ted in kitchen making coffee) Future Ted VO: And me making the coffee. I had this coffeepot that was probably 50 years old at that time, and it made truly terrible coffee. We called it Shocky Ted: Plugging in. Marshall: Saving game. (Ted plugs in coffeemaker and lights flicker and Ted gets shocked) (Interior shts of apartment) Future Ted VO: I loved every last detail of that place. Right down to the incredibly tacky swords we hung on the wall. I never wanted any of it to change. But that's not how life works. (Marshall and Ted sitting in living room, Lily and Robin enter through front door holding four paper bags) Lily: You guys will never believe what just happened to us. Robin: I don't even believe it myself. Lily: We were in Queens and we decided to stop by my apartment. INT. LIVING ROOM, YEAR 2030 (Daugher and Son sitting on couch looking bewildered) Daughter: Wait, her apartment? I thought Aunt Lily lived with you and Uncle Marshall. EXT. STREET (flashback to Lily and Robin walking to Lily's apartment) Lily: I could see how you would think that but I have to have my own place. It's an independence thing. Robin: When was the last time you were there? Lily: Three months ago. (Robin laughs) Lily: What? It's like fat pants. You hope you never have to use 'em but you're glad to know they're there. (Lily and Robin stop walking, Lily looks confused) Lily: What the hell? Robin: What? Lily: This is my apartment. Robin: Where? Lily: Right here. INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT (Lily and Robin enter through front door) Lily: What the hell? Robin: Lily, this is a Chinese restaurant. Lily: No, no, this was my apartment. My dresser was right... (Lily looks around to point out to Robin where her dresser would be) Lily: That's my dresser! And this is my closet. (Lily opens closet door) And I spilled nail polish there. There's the stain. (Lily and Robin look at something on carpet) (Waitress walks in from kitchen) Waitress: Hi, how many? (Lily looks up at Waitress) Waitress: Lily. Lily: Yes, you know me? Waitress: Yeah, from your homecoming picture. You're much prettier in person. Lily: Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake. Where's my stuff? Waitress: It's all in the back. We could wrap it up for you. You want it to go? Lily: This is my apartment! Waitress: Not anymore. INT. APARTMENT (back to Lily and Robin telling this story to Ted and Marshall) Ted: No way. You're making this up. Marshall: Yeah, the building would have had to give you some sort of notice. (back to Chinese restaurant flashback) Waitress: They sent you a notice about this. Lily: When? Waitress: Three months ago. Here's your mail minus the magazines. (back to everyone in apartment) Marshall: Well, still, legally, they can't just toss you out onto the street. You have a lease. (back to Chinese restaurant scene) Lily: OK so I didn't have a written lease as such but, but go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy. (Lily turns to Robin) Lily: She may be 98 years old but she's still... (Lily turns back to Waitress) Lily: She's dad, isn't she? Waitress: Never even saw the bus. INT. APARTMENT Lily: My apartment is a Chinese restaurant. What am I gonna do? Ted: Come live with us. Lily: Really? Ted: Of course. Marshall: You sure about this, Ted? Ted: Yeah. I mean, you basically live here anyway. It's not like it'll change anything. INT. BAR (Barney, Robin and Ted sit at booth) Barney: No, it's like it'll change everything. Oh, Ted, you are so screwed. Ted: What? What are you talking about? Robin: And why is that girl checking you out? (Girl at another table is looking at Barney) Barney: Because I look good. Now focus, you and Marshall are roommates. You have an amazing apartment. Marshall and Lily just got engaged Ted: Yeah, so? Barney: So, you're not still gonna be his roommate when he gets married, are you? Someone's going to move out. So who's it gonna be? Robin: Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've talked about who gets the apartment. You talked about who gets the apartment, right? Ted: Yeah, we've talked about it. (flashback to Ted and Marshall playing video games in their apartment) Marshall: So, when Lily and I get married, who's gonna get the apartment? Ted: Oh, that's a tough one. You know who I think could handle a problem like that? Marshall: Who? Ted: Future Ted and Future Marshall. Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it. (back to Ted, Barney and Robin in bar) Ted: Dammit Past Ted Barney: You blew it, dude. Now that Lily's there, it's a whole new dynamic. They're edging you out. Ted: That's crazy. They're not edging me out. Marshall's my best friend. (Barney exhales loudly) Ted: One of my best friends. He wouldn't do that to me. Barney: Just keep your eyes open. That's all I'm saying, Ted. Little things are gonna be changing around that apartment. Robin: Come on, Barney, you're just being paranoid. OK, seriously, what is this girl's deal? (Girl at other table waves at Barney, Barney waves back) Barney: Sort of on a date with her. Ted: What? Barney: I found her online. I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups. I'm looking for a soul-mate, someone who I can love and cuddle, or so it says in my profile. (evil laugh) But this girl, she wants the same stuff and it's bumming me out. All right, Ted, call me from the hospital. Ted: All right. Robin: You're going to the hospital? Ted: No, see, he's gonna go back over there and I'm gonna call him and he's gonna pretend that it's an emergency call from a family member at the hospital. Robin: Oh, Lord, fake emergency? That is lamest, most pathetic cop-out in the book. I expect more from you, Barney. Barney: Well, stay tuned, I'm working on some stuff. But in the meantime, wish me luck. (Barney gets up to sit with Girl) Robin: So, are you gonna talk to Marshall? Ted: He's gonna want the apartment. I'm gonna want the apartment. It's gonna lead to an argument, so no. Robin: Hm, that's real healthy. So, when a serious issue comes up, your response is just to avoid it. Ted: I should really make this call. (Ted takes out his cell phone and starts dialing) Robin: Ooh, can I do it? (Ted pushes phone over to Robin) (Barney's phone rings, he answers) Barney: Hello? Robin: Hi there, sexy. Barney: Hello, Aunt Kathy, what's up? Robin: Oh, nothing. Just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff. Barney: An accident? Well, is Uncle Rudy gonna be OK? Robin: Aunt Kathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy. Barney: Oh God! Why did he think he could build his own helicopter? Robin: Come on, daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate. Barney: Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. I'll be right there. (Barney stammers and gets up to leave, walks by Ted and Robin's booth) Barney: See you guys later. (Barney walks out of bar) INT. APARTMENT (Lily is painting by fireplace, Ted is sitting on couch drinking coffee, Marshall is at table studying) Ted: Ah, this'll be nice, the three of us living together. I think it's a good setup. (Marshall smiles at Ted and Lily, Lily smiles back) Ted: Man, this coffee's great. It's really great. Too great. (Ted puts down coffee cup and runs to kitchen and sees a different coffeemaker) Ted: What happened to Shocky? (Ted notices Shocky in trash can and gasps) (Ted carries new coffeemaker into living room) Ted: What's this? Lily: My coffeemaker from my apartment. Makes great coffee, right? Ted: Yeah, definitely. I mean, so does Shocky. Marshall: Really? I always thought Shocky's coffee tasted kinda rusty. Ted: Yeah, no, it did. I mean, I kinda liked the rusty taste. I'm used to it. I don't know. Marshall: Also Lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock you. Ted: No. You gotta admit, that shock, wakes you up in the morning Marshall: You know what else wakes you up in the morning? Coffee. Ted: That's great. You're right. Roomies! I love it. INT. BAR (Robin, Ted and Barney sitting at table) Ted: They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out. I didn't' believe it but you're right. Barney: Told you. That Lily, she's a shrewd one. Robin: Yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker. How dare she! Ted: It's not just the coffeemaker. INT. APARTMENT (Lily painting, Marshall studying close by, Ted walks into living room from his bedroom) Lily: Done. The painting's done. Marshall: That is great. Ted: Nice. Marshall: Where do you wanna hang it? Lily: I don't know. Um, over the piano? Ted: Yeah, that would be a good place for it. Too bad the swords are there. We kinda love those swords. Marshall: Well, those swords have been up there a long time. Ted: I know, right? I'd really miss them too. So, maybe Marshall's room? Lily: OK. INT. BAR (Robin, Ted, and Barney at table) Ted: He was gonna take the swords down. Can you believe that? Robin: Ted, why don't you just talk to him? He's your best friend. (Barney makes protest sounds) Robin: One of your best friends. The point is, maybe it's time for some healthy communication. Barney: Healthy communication? That's the worst idea ever. Look, you held off their first advance. That's good. Now it's time to counter-strike. Ted: Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do? Barney: You gotta mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet. You gotta do something big. Ted: What, like buy a new sofa? Barney: Bigger. (Barney looks over and sees Katie enter bar) Barney: Katie's here. OK, real quick, last night, epiphany! I realized what the world of dating needs. Ready? A lemon law. Robin: A lemon law, like for cars. Barney: Exactly. From the moment the date begins you have five minutes to decide whether you're going to commit to an entire evening. And if you don't, it's no hard feelings just good night, thanks for playing, see you never. Huh? Huh? The lemon law, it's gonna be a thing, possibly starting right now. (Barney walks over to booth where Katie is sitting and sits down) Barney: Hi Katie. Barney. Katie: Hi, it's good to finally meet you. (Barney looks over at Ted and looks back at Katie) Barney: Hm, yeah. Katie, you are about to be a part of history. (Barney talks to Katie and she gets up to leave) Barney (yelling to Katie as she leaves): Tell your friends. Barney (to Robin and Ted at other table): It's gonna be a thing. KITCHEN (Marshall making sandwich, Lily grabs some drinks from the refrigerator) Lily: Man, Ted's been acting weird. He started labeling all his food. He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese. Marshall: Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's. Lily: He's not cool with me moving in. Marshall: No, that's not it. I mean, you basically lived here all along. Ted loves you. Lily: So, what's he PMS'ing about? (Lily and Marshall take food into other room to eat at table) Marshall: I don't know. But when he's ready to talk to me about it he'll come and talk to me about it. Lily: Are you kidding? You guys never talk about anything. (knock on front door) Lily: He'll just let it fester under the surface until he does something big and passive-aggressive. Marshall: You clearly don't know Ted. (Marshall opens front door) Delivery guy: Delivery for Ted Mosby. LIVING ROOM (Marshall sitting on couch, large red phone booth is next to couch, Ted walks in through front door) Marshall: Your English phone booth arrived. Ted: Oh, awesome. It's great, right? Marshall: Yeah, I guess. Just not sure if Lily's gonna like it. Ted: Well, I like it, so I'm just gonna keep it right here, if that's cool. Marshall: Of course, we all live here so we should all be able to have things the way we want them. Ted: Exactly. Marshall: Great Marshall: Terrific. (Marshall walks over to painting) Marshall: You like the phone booth. It stays. I like this painting so I'm just gonna hang it...right here on the wall. (Marshall takes swords down and throws them down on the ground, hangs painting in their place) Ted: Oh, so it's like that, is it? Marshall: Bring, bring. (Marshall walks over to phone booth and picks up phone) Marshall (in British accent): Oh hello governor, oh it's like isn't it? Cheerio. (hangs up phone) Marshall: Yeah, it's like that. Ted: I want this apartment. Marshall: Well, I want it too. BAR (Girl #2 standing at table Barney's sitting at) Girl #2: You're a jerk. (Girl #2 walks away) Barney: No, I'm a visionary. Lemon law, it's gonna be a thing! (Barney walks over to Robin at bar) Robin: For the record, your little lemon law is a symbol of everything that's wrong with our no-attention span society. Barney: No, wrong, lemon law is awesome. Robin: It takes longer than five minutes to really get to know someone. You keep giving up on people so quickly, you're gonna miss out on something great. Barney: OK, you're on a blind date, sitting across the table is that guy. (Barney points over to geeky guy) Barney: You really think it'll take more than five minutes to realize there will be no date number two? Robin: Yes I do. For all I know, that guy's my soul-mate. Barney: Bad move, Scherbatsky. (Barney goes over to geeky guy) Barney: Hi, have you met Robin? Kevin: Hi. Robin: Hi. INT. APARTMENT (Ted and Marshall talking) Ted: All right Marshall, we're deciding right now who gets this apartment. It may lead to an argument, but we're settling this. Marshall: Or we could flip a coin. Ted: Yeah, let's flip a coin. Marshall: Flip it. Ted: OK, I'm flipping it, here I go. Marshall: Flip it. Ted: OK, here I go. Marshall: Flip it. Ted: I'm flipping. But before I do, I just wanna say something. You didn't even wanna move in here in the first place. You said a pre-wr building was bad for your allergies. Marshall: That was five years ago. Now you can get prescription-level antihistamines over the counter. Oh snap. What else you got? Ted: OK, I'm flipping. Heads or tails. Marshall: You don't need two rooms Ted: Heads or tails, Marshall. Like you need two rooms? Marshall: We might be starting a family soon. Ted: Oh, no you're not. There's no way you're having a baby while you're in law school. It's gonna be at least three years. Marshall: It could be sooner, we're not that careful with our birth control Two-zip. Ted: Oh, come on, you know damn well I move out that room's going unused. Marshall: Oh, and I suppose you'll get a new roommate? Who's it gonna be? Barney? You know he cooks naked. Ted: Yeah, well, at least Barney wouldn't take the swords down. (Ted runs over to the swords, picks up a sword) Ted: We were bros! These swords represent our bro-hood. And you took 'em down to make room for your fiance's stupid painting? Marshall: My fiancé...suddenly, she's my fiancé. (Marshall picks up other sword) Marshall: Lily's a part of who I am. And if you're such a bro, she's a part of who you are too. She's a bro by extension. Ted: I deserve this apartment, Marshall. (Ted taps Marshall's sword with his sword) Marshall: No more than I do. (Marshall taps Ted's sword with his sword) Ted: Great, so let's flip for it. (Ted taps Marshall's sword with his sword) Marshall: Flip it. (Ted gets ready to flip coin, Ted and Marshall start sword fighting) Ted: So, is this how we're deciding who gets the apartment? Marshall: I guess so. Ted: How are we doing this exactly? Is this like to the death? Marshall: We should probably figure that out. (Marshall swipes at Ted, Ted jumps back and falls into chair) Ted: It's OK, it's OK. (Ted gets up and goes to other side of room) Ted: Can I observe something? Marshall: That this is kinda awesome? Ted: Totally. Marshall: I can't believe we didn't do this before. Ted: I know! INT. RESTAURANT (Robin and Kevin sitting at table, waiter dressed in futuristic costume serves them drinks) Robin: Thank you. Kevin: I can't believe this. I'm sitting here with a beautiful woman I just met eating at my favorite restaurant. Sweet. Robin: It's a nice place. It's good to know the future has ribs. Kevin: In the future food will most likely be served in gel-cap form. Plus cows will probably have died out by then... or be our leaders. (Robin's cell phone rings) Robin: Just a second. (Robin answers her phone) Robin: Hello. (Barney on phone looking at his watch) Barney: (laughs) Time's running out, Scherbatsky. Last chance for the lemon law. (Robin on phone) Robin: Leave me alone. (Barney on phone looking at his watch) Barney: 4:56, 4:57, 4:58. (Robin on phone) Robin: We're only just getting to know each other. (Barney on phone) Barney: Say I'm right and this could all be over. This could be your call from the hospital. (Robin hangs up phone) Robin: Sorry. Kevin: Let me guess, there's been a crazy accident and you have to go. Robin: No, I would never do that. I don't wanna go anywhere. I'm all yours. Kevin: Look, if you're a hooker, I don't have a lot of money. INT. APARTMENT (Marshall and Ted ht swords, Ted spins around and they ht swords again) Marshall: That was awesome. Ted: I know. Marshall: Do it again. Ted: OK, but this time, jump up and I'll swipe your legs. (Marshall and Ted ht swords, Ted spins around and they ht swords again, Marshall jumps up and Ted swipes sword beneath his feet, the continue sword fight) Ted: Look. Here's why I should get the place. You and Lily, you get to be married. What do I get, right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates. And on top of that I could be homeless. Does that seem fair? Marshall: Oh, boo-freakin-hoo. Ted: What? Marshall: Woe is me. I'm not married yet. My ovaries are shrinking. Ted, if you wanted to be married by now you would be but you're not. And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky. You're easily distracted and you're utterly anhedonic. Ted: Anhedonic? Marshall: Anhedonic. It means you can't enjoy anything. Ted: The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this. Marshall: I know, this rules. (Marshall and Ted continue sword fight) Marshall: Hey, I'm sorry I took the swords down. Ted: That's OK, it led to this totally rad sword fight, didn't it? Marshall: Yeah it did. (Marshall is standing on table and they lock swords) Marshall: You remember when we first got these swords? Ted: It was the day we moved in. (flashback to day they moved in, Marshall is assembling coffee table, Ted just mounted swords on wall) Ted: Congratulations, Marshall. We live in an apartment with swords on the wall. Marshall: List of lifelong dreams, you're not half as long. Crap. I'm missing one of the screws for this table Ted: Just use this wood glue, it'll hold. Marshall: Yeah. (back to present scene, Lily enters apartment through front door, table collapses under Marshall and he falls back towards front door, Lily screams, Ted screams with horror with hands to face) INT. RESTAURANT (Robin is on phone) Robin: Oh God, I'll be right there. (Robin hangs up phone) Robin: Kevin, I'm so sorry. I have to go. My friend's been sab with a sword. Kevin: Hab slosi quch! You have no honor. You know, if you felt this way you could have just been upfront. Robin: No, I swear that was a real call. I just...Oh forget it. (Robin gets up and leaves restaurant) INT. HOSPITAL WAITING AREA (Ted and Marshall sitting, Marshall's holding flowers) Marshall: I sab Lily. I sab my fiancé. Ted: Come on, Marshall, do you really think she's still your fiancé? I'm kidding. Hey, I think you guys should have the apartment. Marshall: But you fought so bravely for it. Ted: I wasn't fighting for the apartment. I was fighting for...I don't know...for everything to stay the way it is. But I'm not gonna get that, so, seriously, take the place, it's yours. (Robin and Barney enter waiting area) Robin: Is she OK? Marshall: They're just patching her up. She's gonna be fine. Barney: So get this, I was on a date with this girl, Jackie. (Ted, Marshall and Robin look at him surprised) Barney: What? You said she's fine. So, anyway, I was on date with this girl, Jackie. INT. BAR (Barney sitting at table with Jackie) Barney: Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression. I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie O. Jackie: Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to lemon law you. INT. HOSPITAL WAITNG ROOM Barney: It's out there, it's a thing. The lemon law is a thing. Damn, I should have called it Barney's law. Robin: But you're totally... Ted: Just let him have this one. (Doctor exits examining room to go into waiting area) Doctor: All set. She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed round table? Marshall: That's us. (Marshall and Ted get up and go into examining room) INT. EXAM ROOM (Ted and Marshall stand sheepishly in front of Lily, Lily sits on exam table with right shoulder bandaged) Lily: A sword fight? Marshall, Ted: Sorry, Lily. Lily: On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class who I teach not to run with scissors that my fiancé ran me through with a frickin' broad sword. Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through. Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you sab me? Marshall: You're right. I'm sorry. We were fighting to see who gets the apartment. And I won. Ted: Uh, you didn't win. I gave it to you. Marshall: Uh, you know, if I tried... Lily: Wait wait wait wait wait. I don't want that apartment. It's a boy apartment. It's full of swords and videogames, and kinda smells like dude. It's fine for now, but when we get married, I wanna start a new life with you in a new place. Marshall: Gonna miss the old place. (Marshall sits next to Lily) Lily: I will too. We're not getting married for like a year. Ted: Yeah, that's Future Marshall's problem. Let that guy deal with it. Marshall: Totally. Lily: Maybe it's the massive blood loss talking but I'm starving. Marshall: Let's go get some dinner. Lily: I know just the place. INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT (Robin, Marshall, Lily, Ted, and Barney sitting around table) Ted: Chinese restaurant, I still don't believe it. Lily: I told you. OK, a toast. (Everyone lifts their cup) Lily: Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff. (Everyone clinks glasses) Everyone: Here here. Cheers Barney: And to the lemon law. (Barney lifts up his glass, no one joins him) Barney: Self-clink. (Barney picks up another cup and clinks his two cups together) Lily: And by the way, I bought these glasses. I bought them at Ikea. These are my glasses. Marshall: I love this song. I haven't heard this in forever. Lily: I'm pretty sure this is a mixed tape you made me in hm* year. Robin: Lily, your apartment makes the best Shanghai dumplings. Marshall (on tape): I love you, Lily. Happy Valentine's Day 1998. END	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x08 - The Duel"}	foreverdreaming
THE YEAR 2030 INT. LIVING ROOM (Daughter and Son sitting on couch) Future Ted: Kids, this is a Thanksgiving story. (exterior shts of New York City) Future Ted VO: Thanksgiving in New York is a wonderful time. It's a time for giving of yourself, for thinking of your fellow man, a time when the unforgiving city becomes a little kinder. INT. APARTMENT (Robin and Ted sit on couch, Lily enters from bathroom) Lily: Well, I just ralphed. Robin: How much did you guys drink last night? Ted: Not how much? What. (flashback to Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall at MacLaren's sitting at booth) Barney: The Thankstini. A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner. (Barney puts bouillon cube in each of their drinks, Marshall drinks his Thankstini) Marshall: It's like Thanksgiving in my mouth. (back to present scene) Ted: You want a good holiday drink, try his Kwanzaapolitan. (horn honks, Marshall runs out from his bedroom and looks out the window) Marshall: The shuttle's here! (Marshall runs back into his bedroom) Lily: He hasn't been back home to Minnesota since Christmas. He's a little excited. (Marshall runs into living room area) Marshall: Baby, we're holding up the shuttle, do you have everything you need? Toothbrush, pajamas, underpants. Underpants. (Marshall runs back into his bedroom, Lily gets up to get ready to go) Ted: So, Lil, Marshall's family. Whole weekend with the future in-laws, you excited? Lily: Yeah, no, it'll be fun. Robin: Lily, you just said, "yeah, no." Lily: Did I? No, I, I love Marshall's family. Robin, Ted: Oh. Lily: But, yeah, no, it'll be great. Ted: You just did it again. Lily: Yeah, no, shut up. Robin: Wait, so you're not going home for Thanksgiving. Ted: No, I have to work on Friday. You? Robin: I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October. Ted: Oh, right, I forgot you guys are weird. You pronounce the word out, "oat" Robin: You guys are the world's leader in gn volence, your healthcare system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue. Ted: Your cops are called Mounties. Robin: So, probably hanging out with Barney then? Ted: No, Barney's got his own Thanksgiving tradition. (flashback to Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall sitting at booth at MacLaren's) Barney: Thanksgiving in a strip club, who's in? The Lusty Leopard has a surprisingly good Thanksgiving buffet. Plus, they do this thing. Heather dresses up as a pilgrim and Misty dresses up as an Indian, and they share a meal. Lily: Oh, Barney. Barney: I'm sorry, Native American. (back to present scene) Ted: I think I'm gonna go to a homeless shelter, serve food. Robin: That's awesome. Ted: Yeah, I thought I'd just spend the day giving back, you know, doing some good. Barney: Canceling out Barney. Ted: Exactly. (Marshall runs into the living room) Marshall: Where are all my underpants? Lily: Did you check your suitcase? (Marshall checks his suitcase, gives a thumbs-up) Marshall: Let's go. Future Ted VO: And go they went, all the way to St. Cloud, Minnesota, Marshall's hometown. And as Lily stepped into her fiance's boyhood home, she received a big welcome. INT. ERICKSEN HOME (Marshall opens door and Marshall and Lily walk in to the kitchen) Marshall: Hello, we're home! (tall Ericksens come in to the kitchen to greet Marshall and Lily) Future Ted VO: A very big welcome. You see, at 6'4", Marshall was the runt of the Ericksen clan. Lily: Wow, I forgot how tall you guys are. (Mr. Ericksen walks in and stands in doorway) Mr. Ericksen: Where's my almost daughter-in-law? Lily: Here I am. (Lily raises her hand) (Mr. Ericksen hugs Lily) Mr. Ericksen: You got yourself a great little bride here, son. (Mr. Ericksen pushes Lily aside and goes over to Marshall) Mr. Ericksen: All right now, no farting around. Put your skates and your pads on, boys. Game on in five minutes. Lily: You're gonna go play hockey? (Mr. Ericksen tosses a basketball to Marcus) Lily: With a basketball? Mr. Ericksen: Well, it's a combination of the two. We call it baskiceball. (Marcus passes the basketball to Marshall and Marshall spins it on his finger) Marshall: We invented it. It's the most dangerous and awesome sport in the world. Lily: Baskiceball? Not iceketball? Mr. Ericksen: Iceketball? Just sounds weird. Ericksens: Yeah. (Marshall passes ball back to Marcus) Marcus: It's baskiceball, OK? And I'm the best. (Marcus tossess ball to Lily) Marshall: You wish. Lily: Oh, well maybe that's just 'cause you haven't seen me play. (Lily throws ball to Marcus who throws it to Marshall) Marshall: I don't know honey, it's not really a sport for a girl. Lily: Well, that's funny because your brother throws like a girl. (Lily takes ball from Marshall and throws it to Marcus, Marcus throws it back at Lily and hits her in the head and she falls back) Mrs. Ericksen: (quietly) Marcus! INT. HOMELESS SHELTER KITCHEN (Robin and Ted enter, lots of volunteers bustling around) Robin: This is gonna be great. Ted: I know. I'm so psyched we did this. Look at all these people, giving up their Thanksgiving to help their fellow man. These have got to be the best people in New York. (Barney enters kitchen from dining area singing) Barney: Excuse me, guys. Coming through. Ted: Barney? Barney: Well, hi guys. Ted: What are you doing here? Barney: Oh, just the Lord's work. Ted: But you're Satan. Barney: Guys, OK, look, I don't advertise it, but I volunteer here. I think it's important to help the less fortunate. I'm the Angelina Jolie of incredibly hot guys. Robin: This is a joke, right? You don't actually volunteer here. Kendall: Barney, we need you out front. There is a logjam on the stuffing line. Can you show them how it's done? Barney: I'm on it. Ted: Wait, so, this is real. Barney does this? Kendall: Every Sunday, all year long. He's our best volunteer Barney: That's because I was trained by the best, Kendall. Ted: Anyway, uh, we're psyched to be here, Kendall. What do you need us to do? Kendall: Go home, we're full. Robin: What? Ted: We're volunteers, we're unpaid help. Can you really ever have enough unpaid help? Kendall: On the biggest volunteer day of the year, yeah, you can. Robin: Come on, we just wanna help out. Barney: Kendall, they're cool. Kendall: Fine, but I'm not promising anything. Wait here, we'll let you know if we need you. Barney: OK, well, I better get out there. There's a lot of food to give out. And a lot of smiles. (Barney goes back out to dining area, Ted and Robin look at Barney with mouths agape) INT. ERICKSEN'S KITCHEN (Ericksen women preparing Thanksgiving dinner) Mrs. Ericksen: Oh, I almost forgot. I know it's early but you are a future Mrs. Ericksen. (Mrs. Ericksen puts a "Mrs. Ericksen" apron on Lily) Lily: Thank you. It'll go great with my...I just love it. Mrs. Ericksen: OK, Lily, we're putting you on salad duty. Lily: Oh, I make this great frisee and endive salad with a coriander lime vinaigrette. Pregnant Mrs. Ericksen: But this is an American holiday. Mrs. Ericksen: Now that you're going to be a Mrs. Ericksen, I'm going to let you in on a secret recipe. The Ericksen family seven-layer salad. Lily: Seven-layer salad? (Mrs. Ericksen hands Lily paper with recipe on it) Lily: Six cups of mayonnaise? That can't be right. Mrs. Ericksen: Oh no, dear, sixteen cups. (Mrs. Ericksen places a large glass cylinder next to Lily) Mrs. Ericksen: Mayo's in that cabinet. (Lily goes over to cabinet to get mayo, Marshall comes in through front door limping) Marshall: Oh my God, there is some serious baskiceball going on out there. Dad totally nailed Marcus in the face with a snowball, which is a foul because you only get one snowball per possession, so I nailed him in the shin with my skate and I totally dunked it. (Mr. Ericksen and Marvin enter) Mr. Ericksen: Yeah, you were sitting pretty until I whacked you with that mallet. Mr. Ericksen: (to Mrs. Ericksen) Hey Gorgeous! Marshall: You having fun? Lily: Yeah, but I kinda miss you. Could you stay in here for a little bit? Marshall: Yeah, yeah yeah, no problem, it's halftime. Mr. Ericksen: Oh, halftime's over. Get yours butts out here, come on. Marvin: And I hope you like the taste of stick, dorko. Lily: Go. Marshall: Thanks baby. (Marshall hugs Lily) Marshall: Oh, isn't this great? Can't you see why everybody from my high school stays in this town? (Marshall heads out the door) Marshall: Hey Marvin, you're the dorko, dorko! (Lily scoops out a lot of mayo) INT. HOMELESS SHELTER KITCHEN (Barney talking to Ted and Robin) Barney: Man, it's amazing out there. I've done so much good today, I've got like a soul boner. And the way the faces of the less fortunate light up when you give them a hot, nutritious meal, is there a better feeling on earth? Robin: Yesterday you said the best feeling on earth was getting your toes sucked. Then you requested a high-five with your foot. Ted: Hey, Barn? What do you say you let us sub in for you, scoop stuffing for a little bit? Barney: (laughs) You wanna scoop stuffing your first day out? Hello, NFL, can I be quarterback this Sunday? Dude. (Barney walks away) INT. ERICKSEN KITCHEN (Ericksen women preparing Thanksgiving dinner) Lily: OK, I finished the gummy bear layer of the salad. What's next? (Lily looks at recipe) Lily: Potato chips. Mrs. Ericksen: So, Lily, when are you gonna start thinking about having a baby? (Lily drops some potato chips) Lily: Baby? Uh, you know, I hadn't really thought about it at all. Future Ted VO: Actually Aunt Lily was lying. It'd been all she'd been thinking about. You see, remember when she said... (flashback to Lily coming in to living room from bathroom) Lily: Well, I just ralphed. (back to present scene) Future Ted VO: At that point she was five days late. This was day six. Lily: Yeah, I mean, I'm way too young to have a baby, right? Mrs. Ericksen: Oh, are you kidding? I was younger than you when I had Marcus. Beautiful 15 pound boy. Not much bigger than this turkey right here. (Mrs. Ericksen puts turkey on counter) Lily: (staring at turkey) Oh my. (back from commercial break) Future Ted VO: Now if Lily was already uneasy about joining the Ericksen family, imagine how she felt about possibly having a 15-pound Ericksen growing inside of her. Lily: That's a big baby, Judy. Mrs. Ericksen: The doctor thought he was twins. Lily: (laughs nervously) Twins. Twins! INT. HOMELESS SHELTER KITCHEN (Ted and Robin talking) Ted: This is crazy. When did it get so hard to do charity work? Robin: I do charity work all the time. Remember when I said I'd find you a girlfriend. Ted: Ha ha. Delightful. How is that little project coming along anyway? Robin: I'm working on it. I'm gonna introduce you to that girl you've been staring at. Ted: What? That's crazy, I haven't been staring at any girl... (Robin walks over to girl) Robin: Have you met Ted? (Ted goes over to shake her hand) Ted: Hi, I'm the aforementioned Ted, and this is... (Ted looks around for Robin to introduce her and notices she's walked away) Ted:... gone. Amanda: I'm Amanda. Ted: Hi. Amanda: So, what do you do here, Ted? Ted: Well, I've been...nothing. I do nothing. Amanda: If you want to do something, you and your girlfriend can help sort through these donations. (Robin walks back over) Robin: Oh, um, I'm not his girlfriend. I used to be but, um, I just wasn't enough woman for Ted, emotionally or sexually. Oh my God. Ted: So, Amanda, what do you need us to do? Amanda: OK, this is important. Go through all these boxes of food donations, take out the really good stuff and put it into this box. Ted: Got it. Consider it sorted. (Amanda walks away) Robin: Hey, we're in business. Ted: Hey, Barney's not gonna get all the glory today. (Ted moves some boxes which uncovers framed photo of Barney as "volunteer of the year", Ted puts boxes back to cover photo) Ted: Let's start with this one. Robin: Yeah. INT. ERICKSEN DINING AREA (Ericksen join hands in prayer) Mr. Ericksen: Amen. Ericksens: Amen. (Pregnant Mrs. Ericksen comes in carrying baby boy) Pregnant Mrs. Ericksen: Look who came to say good-night. It's little Martin. Three-months old. Lily: Three months! Three months? Marshall: He's been drinking his milk. (Ericksens lift up their large glasses of milk) Ericksens: Here here. Lily: And she's already pregnant again. Mr. Ericksen: Well, that's 'cause those Ericksen boy's boys can swim. They've got two tails and a drill bit for a head. Marshall: Dad, you're embarrassing me. Mr. Ericksen: Ah, son, she's cool. She's gonna be an Ericksen. Lily: Yeah, well, well, not literally because, you know, I'm keeping my name. Mrs. Ericksen: But the apron. Marshall: Well, we haven't actually decided anything yet so... Lily: No, I've decided and I'm keeping my own name. Mr. Ericksen: But Ericksen is a great last name. People know the Ericksen's. Lily: Oh, sure, in St. Cloud but our kids aren't gonna be growing up in St. Cloud. Right, baby? Marshall: Why not St. Cloud? I mean, I loved growing up St. Cloud. St. Cloud is a great place to have a childhood. Lily: Oh, so is New York. (Ericksens laugh) Lily: What? It is. And we grew up just fine. And we grew to the proper size and then we stopped. (Lily looks at Marcus to her left and Marcus stops smiling) INT. HOMELESS SHELTER KITCHEN (Ted, Robin and Amanda sort through food donations) Ted: Hey, Amanda, what's this box for? Amanda: Oh, that's for me. You can put it in my car. Ted: In your car, um, then you'll take it... Amanda: Home? We get so much extra food, no one can eat it all. Oh, Truffle oil. Score. Ted: People donated this food thinking it was going to feed the hungry. Amanda: I know, and I'm starving. INT. ERICKSEN DINING ROOM (Ericksens around table having Thanksgiving dinner) Lily: But, Marshall, you love New York. Marshall: Yes, I do. But you always said that when we had kids, you wanted to move out of Manhattan. Lily: Yeah, to Brooklyn. Marshall: Why are we even talking about this? This is way down the road. Future Ted VO: But Lily knew way down the road might not be so far down the road. Lily: I need to go to the restroom. (Lily gets up from table and goes out the door) Marshall: Lily, the restroom's the other way. Future Ted VO: So she headed down the road. Marshall: Lily. (sound of car starting outside) Marshall: Lily! (car drives down road) INT. HOMELESS SHELTER KITCHEN (Barney, Ted and Robin talking by where food donations are) Barney: So, wait, not only have you not done any good for anyone today, you're actually helping someone steal from the homeless. You know, Ted, it's called Thanksgiving, not Thankstaking. Damn. Kendall: Barney, you need me to sign your time sheet, right? Barney: Yeah, Right. Thanks. (Barney gets paper out of his pocket and gives it to Kendall, Ted and Robin look at each other) Ted: Barney. Barney: Yeah, what's up? Ted: You have a time sheet. No one else has a time sheet. Barney: Yeah, so. (Kendall gives paper back to Barney) Ted: All right, let me see that. (Ted grabs paper away from Barney) Barney: That's my private personal business! Ted: Court-mandated community service. Oh my God, you're on probation? What did you do? Barney: That's my private personal business. (flashback to urinating against a wall in an alley, police siren and lights approach, Barney turns around, zips up his pants and runs away) (back to present scene) Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church. Ted: You peed on a church? Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk. Ted: Oh, you are evil. Robin: Now, all's right with the world again. Barney: OK, fine, so a judge is making me do this but I'm still doing it, and kicking ass at it, BTW. (Barney points to his "volunteer of the year" picture and poses like his picture) Barney: When's the last time either of you did any good? Huh? (Ted grabs a bag of Portobello mushrooms and walks over to Kendall) Ted: Kendall, ah, Kendall, Amanda is stealing Portobello mushrooms from homeless people. Kendall: Amanda! I called dibs on the Portobello mushrooms. (Amanda smiles and shrugs) Ted: Those are for the hungry. Kendall: I know, and I'm starving. (Kendall and Amanda laugh; Ted grabs mushrooms from Kendall and runs out to dining area and Kendall chases after him) Amanda: Those are good mushrooms! INT. HOMELESS SHELTER DINING AREA (Ted runs in with mushrooms and starts throwing them towards people) Ted: Mushrooms. Mushrooms. Portobello mushrooms for everybody! Take them and run! They're very expensive! INT. CONVENIENCE STORE (Lily pays for something, clerk takes money and makes change and gives it to Lily) Clerk: Happy Thanksgiving. Lily: Happy Thanksgiving. As in check out the chick buying the knock-up test everybody, wonder what must be going through her head. Yeah, well, since you asked, a family of mayonnaise-guzzling giants is trying to suck me into their suburban nightmare. And there's a solid chance that I have an Ericksen the size of a 15-pound turkey growing inside of me. Clerk: You know the Ericksen's? Marshall's fiancé. Lily: Fantastic. Clerk: So nice to meet you. You are taller than described. Lily: I'm sorry I just yelled at you. You mind if I use your bathroom? Clerk: Don't have one. Lily: So what do you do when you have to...? Clerk: I hold it. (Clerk takes sip from his drink, Lily walks out of store) EXT. STREET (Ted and Robin sit on curb) Ted: You can't fre a volunteer. Robin: Apparently you can. And his two non-mushroom-throwing friends. (Barney walks over to Robin and Ted) Barney: I can't believe that I told Kendall you guys were cool. I had 40 hours left on my community service and now I've got to spend it spearing trash on a freaking median strip. (Barney picks up his "volunteer of the year" poster and holds it in front of him) Barney: Volunteer of the year! Ted: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, look, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you, just tell me, I'll do it. Barney: Ted, I'm glad you asked. INT. LUSTY LEOPARD (Dancer twirling around pole; Barney and Robin eating Thanksgiving dinner, Ted sitting with head in hands) Robin: Surprisingly good. Barney: Right? I told you so. Ted: Public urination. Who gets arrested for public urination? INT. ERICKSEN DINING ROOM (Marshall has his cell phone to his ear and puts it down to his chest) Marshall: Lily's been arrested. Judy: Oh dear, what for? Marshall: Public urination. INT. JAIL CELL (Lily sitting on cot, officer opens cell door to let Marshall in) Marshall: Thanks, Pete. Pete: No problemo Marsh. Marshall: You all right? Lily: No. I embarrassed myself in front of your family and now I'm celebrating Thanksgiving in probably the most depressing place ever. INT. LUSTY LEOPARD (Dancer takes money from Barney's mouth INT. JAIL CELL (Marshall and Lily talking) Marshall: Well, I'm glad that you're safe. Hey, weird question, why did you drive three miles down Route 23 and take a pee behind a convenience store? Lily: OK, I'll tell you but before I do, promise me that we are not gonna move to St. Cloud, Minnesota, promise. Marshall: Look, I'm not suggesting that we move here tomorrow. I'm just... Lily: Just promise. Marshall: Why do you want me to promise you that? (Lily stands up) Lily: Because I don't fit in here. I'm not eight feet tall and I don't think you can call it a salad if it has Funyuns in it. Marshall: I'm Funyuns and mayonnaise and gummy bears and baskiceball and I love St. Cloud. And yes, there is a part of me that would like to move here someday, and why are we having this discussion in a jail cell on Thanksgiving? (Pete walks into cell with a bag of Lily's things) Pete: OK, personal effects, one wallet, one cell phone, one pregnancy test. (Lily takes bag with pregnancy test from Pete, Pete walks out of cell) Lily: Pete arrested me before I could look at it. (Lily sits down, Marshall sits down next to Lily) Marshall: Whoa. Lily: Yeah. Marshall: Lily, we can't let our kids play baskiceball. Baskiceball is really dangerous. Lily: Yeah, what are the rules to that game, anyway? Marshall: There are no rules, we just wail on each other. (Lily leans on Marshall and grabs his arm, Marshall puts his hand over Lily's) Marshall: Look, I don't wanna be exactly like my family, and don't take this the wrong way, but I don't wanna be exactly like your family either. (Lily shakes her head) Marshall: We'll be our own family, and we'll find our own way to freak out the people our kids bring home. (Lily smiles and wipes a tear away) Lily: Great, now I'm crying. Look, we may have some really big decisions to make in about 10 seconds but right now, I don't care where our kids grow up as long as they have you for a father. (Lily leans into Marshall's open arm, Marshall kisses Lily on the top of her head) Lily: Gosh, I hope you're the father. Just a little joke to lighten up the mood. Marshall: What does it say? Lily: I'm afraid to look. Pete: (yelling from outside cell) It's negative. Lily: Thank God. (Lily and Marshall hug) Lily: (to Pete) And hey! INT. LUSTY LEOPARD (Robin and Ted talking) Robin: Ted. Are you listening? You're a good guy. Ted: You wanna know why I have to work tomorrow? My firm's designing an executive lounge for a tobacco company. In the fight against cancer, I'm on the side of cancer. (Barney walks over to Ted and Robin, homeless guy follows him) Barney: OK, Ted, I found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. This is Walter, and Walter is homeless. And Walter would like a lap dance. Ted: Are you joking? Barney: I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment. Ted: No, Barney, that's insane. Sir, would you like me to buy you a ticket to the buffet. Walter: No, I'm stuffed. Just a lap dance would be fine. Barney: Ted, Walter's been to three shelter dinners. You know where he hasn't been? To heaven with Samantha. Look, it's the one chance you've had all day to help someone in need. Now buy this man a lap dance. Robin: You said you wanted to see the joy in someone's eyes. Ted: You know, I don't think I'm gonna watch. Ted: Here you go, Walter. Happy Thanksgiving. (Ted gives money to dancer) Walter: Thank you so much. No really, thank you. Ted: Happy Thanksgiving, guys. Robin: Thanksgiving in November. Weird. (scenes of Ericksen Thanksgiving dinner and Ted, Robin and Barney's Thanksgiving at the Lusty Leopard) Future Ted VO: So that was Thanksgiving 2005. To be honest, it didn't go great. But like has plenty of good parts. It's the rough parts that make you thankful that you have people to share it with. INT. LUSTY LEOPARD (Ted at buffet line, dancer approaches him) Dancer: Hey, I saw what you did for that guy? It was really sweet. Do you wanna dance? Ted: Uh, no thanks. You want some yams? Dancer: No thanks. I'm Amber. (Dancer extends her hand out, Ted shakes it) Ted: I'm Ted. Dancer: Actually, I'm Tracy. Ted: Still Ted. Future Ted VO: And that, kids, is the true story of how I met your mother. INT. LIVING ROOM (Year 2030, Daughter and Son sit on couch, sit up suddenly) Daughter, Son: What?! Future Ted: I'm kidding. (Kids relax on couch again) END	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x09 - Belly Full of Turkey"}	foreverdreaming
EXT. NEW YORK CITY Future Ted VO: Now I remember a lot of stories from back in the days before I met your mother, but there's one story I don't remember. Uncle Marshall still refers to it as the pineapple incident. The night started like any other. We were downstairs at the bar. INT. MACLAREN'S (Lily, Marshall, Ted, Robin and Barney sit at booth, Carl comes over with drinks) Carl: On the house. Everyone: Whoa. Carl: It's my own concoction. I call it the Red Dragon. Everyone: Wow. Thanks, Carl. (Carl walks away) Ted: We're not really doing shts, are we? Lily: I hope not. Barney: No, no. Lily: These look kinda like blood. Marshall: OK, I know that you've all dismissed this theory before, but is there any chance that Carl is a vampire? Barney: That's ridiculous. Marshall: I'm serious. Think about it. He always wears black, we never see him in the daylight, only after dark. Robin: Oh my God, that does describe a vampire, or you know, a bartender. (Everyone but Marshall laughs) Robin: Well, I should go get dressed. Ted: Where are you going, buddy? Hot date? Lily: I'll say, she's going out with a billionaire. Robin: Lily, I told you not to call him that. Ted: Wait, you're really going out with a billionaire? Robin: He's not a billionaire. He's a hundred millionaire. Why do people always round up? Ted: So, uh, where's Thurston Howell taking you? Robin: A charity dinner. Lily: Yeah, $2000 a plate. Robin: $1500, Stop rounding up. And it's for third world hunger. Barney: You gonna put out? (Everyone looks at Barney incredulously) Barney: What? There's only one reason he's taking her to this dinner and it's not so little Mutu can get his malaria pills. Lily: I think my soul just threw up a little bit. Robin: Well, I'm gonna be late. You guys have fun. Bye. (Robin gets up and leaves) Ted: See ya. Lily: Bye. Marshall: You OK? Ted: Sure, why? Marshall: I don't know. Girl of your dreams dating a billionaire. Ted: OK, first of all, hundred millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams. We're just friend. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I mean, I'm looking to settle down. She's looking for... (Barney starts snoring, Ted stops talking) Barney: What? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end. She's short but has an ample bosom. I love it. She's like half-boob. Let's go. (Barney stands up) Ted: Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line? Barney: Daddy's home. Ted: Daddy's home? Barney: Yeah. Ted: You want us to go over there right now and say to those girls, 'daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney. Barney: Hm. Yeah, I think it's pretty solid. (Barney walks away from their booth over to table four) Marshall: OK, think about this, is there even a single item on the menu that has garlic in it? Lily: Garlic fries. Marshall: OK, well, I'll get back to you. (Barney walks back to their booth) Ted: Oh, daddy's back. See, if you'd taken a moment to think about that... Barney: (holding up small yellow piece of paper) Then Daddy wouldn't have gotten this seven-digit Father's Day card from Amy, huh? Ted: That worked. I hate the world. Barney: Ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think. I'm teaching you how to do, do, do. Marshall: Doo-doo. Barney: Totally. Ted: So, I think a lot. I happen to have a very powerful brain. It can't be helped. Barney: Oh yes it can. (Barney puts a sht in front of Ted) Marshall: Interesting Barney: Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying, hey, Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool but it's your job to make him awesome. Your brain screws you up, Ted. It gets in the way. It happened with Robin, it happened with half-boob. And it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neuroses inebriation-style. Ted: So, what? You want me to do a sht. Barney: Oh no. I want you to do five shts. Marshall: Oooh, more interesting. Ted: Barney, I think you've officially... Barney: No, don't think. Do. Marshall: Ted, he's right. You overthink. Maybe you should overdrink. Marshall, Barney: Drink, drink, drink, drink... Ted: Ah, Lily, will you tell these guys how stupid they're being? Lily: Guys, you are being immature and moronic and drink, drink, drink Marshall, Lily, Barney: Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink... (Ted takes a sht) Marshall, Lily, Barney: Yes! Drink, drink, drink... Ted: Let me tell you something about this brain, OK? (Ted takes second sht) Marshall, Lily, Barney: Drink! Drink, drink... Ted: Even alcohol cannot stop this brain. (Ted takes third sht) Barney: I love it, I love it, I love it. Marshall, Lily: Drink, drink, drink... Ted: This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain. (Ted takes fourth sht) Marshall, Lily, Barney: Drink, drink, drink, drink... Ted: This is a superbrain. (Ted takes fifth sht) Ted: This brain is unstoppable. This brain... (screen blacks out) Future Ted VO: And that's all I remember, except for a few hazy memories. (black screen with white swirls spinning around and fre on the side, pineapple spins around, the words, "I am Ted, please call" spin around) Future Ted VO: But really, the next thing I remember is waking up the following morning. INT. TED'S BEDROOM (Ted lying in bed rolls over to his right side to see pineapple on his bedside table, gets up slightly looking surprised, rubs side of head and gets up and notices girl sleeping next to him on other side) Future Ted VO: So, there were some unanswered questions. (Ted sits up in bed and puts on some sweatpants) Future Ted VO: How much did I drink? How did I sprain my ankle? (Ted gets up and grabs left ankle in pain) Future Ted VO: And who was this girl in my bed? INT. APARTMENT (Lily and Marshall sitting in living room area, Ted walks in from his room) Lily: There's our rock star Ted: OK, what the hell happened last night? Marshall: You really don't remember, Superbrain? Future Ted VO: So, Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily filled me in. (flashback to previous evening at bar, Marshall, Lily, Barney and Ted sit at booth, Carl walks over) Carl: And how did you guys like the shts? Ted: I drank all five, bitch. Marshall: (laughing) I love drunk Ted. Ted: Marshall thinks you're a vampire. (Marshall laughs and then gives Ted a stern look) Carl: If he pukes, one of you guys cleans it up. (Carl walks away) Lily: No dibs. (Lily puts index finger on her nose) Marshall: Oh. (Marshall puts index finger on his nose) (Barney moves top put his index finger on his nose) Barney: No....Dammit. Ted: How quickly you all forget. I haven't puked since high school. I am vomit-free since ninety-three. Vomit free since ninety-three. That's funny. I'm funny. (Ted gets his cell phone out) Lily: Who are you calling? Ted: Robin. Marshall: Oh, bad idea. Barney: No, no, that's a great idea. That's the whole point of getting drunk. You do things you would never do in a million years if you were sober. Lily: Says every girl you've ever slept with. (Lily puts her hand up for a high-five from Barney) Marshall: (pointing to Lily) Say what?! (Barney shakes his head, Lily puts her hand down) Ted: Hello Robin, it's Ted. (Robin sitting in back of limo dressed up, talking on phone with Ted) Robin: Oh hi Ted. (Ted on phone) Ted: Hello Robin, it's Ted. (Robin on phone) Robin: Hi Ted. Sounds like you're having fun. Ted on phone) Ted: Robin, have I ever told you that I'm vomit-free since ninety-three? (Robin on phone) Robin: Listen, Ted, I can't really talk right... '93? Dude, that's impressive. (Ted on phone) Ted: I don't say this enough, but you're a great woman, and a great reporter. You should be on 60 Minutes. You should be one of the minutes. (Robin on phone) Robin: That's sweet and odd. But I'm kinda on a date right now. (Ted on phone) Ted: Yeah, and I disagree with Barney. Just 'cause this guy is spending a lot of money doesn't mean you have to put out. Take it slow, Robin, take it slow. Slow. (Robin on phone) Robin: Bye Ted. (Ted on phone) Ted: Slow. (Lily takes away Ted's phone) Marshall: Wow, right, that's why we don't do shts. Lily: Friends don't let friends drink and dial. Ted: I need that phone back. Lily: You'll get this back at the end of class. Barney: Ding, class dismissed. Here you go, kid, you call whoever you want. (Barney takes phone from Lily and returns it to Ted) Ted: Thank you kind sir. At least someone appreciates the fact that I'm doing and not thinking. And now I don't think I won't not go to the bathroom. (Ted walks away) Lily: Was that necessary? He is not making smart decisions. Barney: Exactly. It's like, what's he gonna do next. I don't know, but I want to find out. (Cheap Trick's "Voices" starts playing on the jukebox) Marshall: Cheap Trick? Oh Ted. (Robin in car, her phone rings, she answers) Robin: Hello again, Ted. (Ted on phone singing along with jukebox) Ted: Hey, it's me again. (Robin on phone smiles) Ted: (singing along with jukebox) Plain to see again. (Ted jumps up on table) Ted: (singing along with jukebox) Please can I see you every day? Ted: (yelling to everyone in bar) I love everyone in this bar. Marshall: And we love you, drunk Ted. Ted: (singing along with jukebox) I'm a fool again. (Robin in car on phone with mouth wide open) Ted: (singing along with jukebox) I fell in love... (Ted falls off table) (Robin on phone) Robin: Ted? (back to present scene in apartment) Ted: Well, that explains the ankle. Lily: And then we brought you home and put you to bed. Ted: Was there anyone else in there with me? (Lily and Marshall get up and run over to Ted's bedroom door, Ted limps behind them, Lily opens door and she and Marshall peek in room to see girl lying on bed, Lily closes the door) Lily: There's a girl in there. Ted: I know. Marshall: And a pineapple. Ted: I know. Lily: Who is she? Ted: I don't know. (Ted sees his jacket burnt) Ted: What the hell happened to my jacket? Marshall: Whoa. Lily: That girl in there is alive, right? Ted: I should call Barney, maybe he knows what happened. (Marshall gets his phone out of his pocket and dials and gives to Ted, sound of phone ringing from bathroom, Lily, Ted and Marshall walk into the bathroom, Lily pulls curtain aside to find Barney lying in the tub) Barney: Hello. Ted: Why are you sleeping in our tub? Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling. Lily: Wait, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it. (laughs) I totally didn't sleep through it. For a little girl, you've got a big tnk. Marshall: How did you get in here anyway? We put Ted to bed around one. Barney: Oh, you put Ted to bed all right. (flashback to Marshall and Lily putting Ted to bed) Ted: You guys take care of me. You guys are the best. I love you guys so much. Lily: Good night, Ted. Marshall: Love you too, buddy. (Lily turns out light, Marshall and Lily leave Ted's bedroom and close door, Ted asleep on his bed) (Ted enters MacLaren's) Ted: I'm back baby doll! Barney: Hey, hey hey hey, he rallies. And the night begins now. (Barney and Ted high-five) Barney: All right, game face on. Carl, two more. All right, all right, what do we think of this one? Ted: I think.... Barney: Ehhh! Trick question, no thinking. You know what time it is? It's do o'clock. Let's ride. Ted: Bring it. (Barney walks over to table and sits down next to girl, Ted walks in another direction) Barney: Have you met Ted? (Barney gestures behind him and finds that Ted's not there, sees Ted standing by jukebox with his phone) Barney: Excuse me. (Barney walks over to Ted) Barney: You're calling Robin. Ted: I'm calling Robin. Barney: Ted, as your mentor and spiritual guide, I forbid you from calling her. Ted: Oh yeah? What you gonna do? Barney: If you complete that call, I will set your coat on fre. Ted: You're bluffing. (Ted completes call to Robin) Ted: Hello, Robin, it's Ted. (Robin at dinner, answers phone) Robin: Ted, for the last time, stop. (Robin hears Ted screaming) Robin: Ted! (back to present scene at apartment, Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall sit around living room) Ted: You set me on fre. Barney: Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast. You got robbed, this is a blend. Ted: You set me on fre. And who's the girl in my bed? (Barney looks at Lily and Marshall and Ted, stumbles over to Ted's room and peeks in, closes door and stumbles back to living room) Barney: There's a girl in your bed. Marshall: And a pineapple. Am I the only one who's curious about the pineapple? Barney: Who is she? Ted: I have no idea. Barney: Nice. Ted: You really don't know who that is? Barney: No, after I hosed you down with a beverage gn, I brought you back here. Ted: I better not have gotten brned. (Ted pulls up sleeves to check his skin, notices writing on his right arm) Ted: Did any of you write that? Lily: (reading what's on Ted's arm) Hi, I'm Ted, if lost, please call...Who's number is that? Ted: I don't know. Marshall: Dude, call it. Hold on, I'm gonna make some popcorn. (Marshall runs to kitchen) (Marshall runs back from kitchen with bowl of popcorn) Marshall: OK, you can call now. God, this is intense, I love it. (Ted calls number on arm) Guy: Hello. Ted: Uh, hi, who is this? Guy: You called me, who's this? Ted: It's Ted. INT. MACLAREN'S (Carl on phone) Carl: It's Carl, from the bar. INT. APARTMENT (Ted on phone) Future Ted VO: And then Carl filled us in. (flashback to Barney putting Ted to bed) Ted: Barney, you've always taken care of me. You are a gentleman and a scholar. Go into my sab and take my finest stallion. He's yours, his name is Windjammer. (Ted lies down) Barney: Sleep it off, bra. (Barney turns off light and closes down behind him) (Ted enters MacLaren's) Ted: I'm back, baby doll! Ted: And I am gonna throw up. (Ted walks over to bathroom) (back to present scene) Ted: I threw up? My streak is over. Vomit-free since '05 doesn't sound good. Sorry, Carl, go on. (flashback to Ted talking to Carl at bar) Ted: Carl, did you know the word karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra? Isn't that hauntingly beautiful? Are you a vampire? Carl: I am cutting you off. Go home and get some sleep, Ted. Ted: Yeah, sun's gonna come up soon. Wouldn't want to be around for that, would we? Ted: Hey, how easy do you think it'll be to sneak into the zoo? I have to see some penguins, like right now. Carl: Give me your arm. (Ted puts arm on bar) Carl: This way, if you pass out in the gutter... (Carl writs on Ted's arm, Ted starts laughing) Ted: That tickles. Carl: Someone will call me and I will come get you. Ted: Thanks Carl. We can't just be friends, we're attracted to each other and we both know it. Carl: Excuse me? Ted: Me and Robin. Me and Robin, I have to make one more call. (Ted makes call on his cell phone) Carl: Yeah, this'll go good. Ted: Hey, it's me again. Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life, so shy don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of something stupid to do together? Really? Great. Wait, really? Great. (back to present scene) Ted: Thanks Carl. Ted: It's Robin. That's Robin in there. Marshall: Did you guys? (Barney puts up hand for high-five) Barney: Oh come on. You've gotta give me this one. Those five shts got you farther with Robin than your brain ever did. See what happens when you don't think? You do! More importantly, you do Robin. Come on. (Ted high-fives Barney) Lily: All right, right over here. (Lily and Ted high-five) Ted: Still, what does this mean? Are we dating now? I mean, I never pictured it going down this way, but maybe that's how it had to happen. I mean, think about it... Barney: Someone get him a sht, he's thinking again. Marshall: Maybe it's not such a bad idea to think about this one. You and Robin went down this road before, you got dinged up pretty bad. Lily: You know who might have something to say about Ted's future with Robin? Robin. Go wake her up. Ted: Wake her up and say what? Barney: Daddy's home. (Ted limps over to his room) Marshall: Good luck buddy. INT. TED'S BEDROOM (Ted limps in, phone rings, Ted hurriedly answers it) Ted: Hello. (Robin in cab on phone) Robin: Ted, it's Robin. (Ted looks at girl lying in bed then looks at phone then back to girl, puts phone back to his ear) Ted: Are you sure? INT. APARTMENT (Ted closes bedroom door behind him and walks over to living room) Ted: Hey, Robin, how are you? (Lily, Barney and Marshall look at each other) (screen splits in two with living room scene on top half of screen, Robin in cab on phone on bottom half) Robin: Ted, I think you and I should have a talk about those phone calls last night. Do you mind if I swing by? (While Robin is talking, Lily, Barney, Marshall and Ted whisper to each other about girl in bed) Marshall: Ask her about the pineapple. Ted: Yeah, sure, come on over. Robin: Thanks. (Robin hangs up phone, full screen of apartment scene) Ted: No, wait, don't, no. (Ted hangs up phone) Ted: She's coming over. Crap. Lily: Wait, this is klling me. We have to find out who that girl is. (Trudy walks into the living room) Trudy: Trudy. My name is Trudy. Future Ted VO: And then Trudy filled us in. (flashback to previous evening at bar, Trudy sitting at booth with three girlfriends) Trudy's friend: I'm just surprised you didn't dump him sooner. Trudy: I know, it's two years of my life I'm never getting back. A little part of me just wants to jump the bones of the next guy I see. (Barney walks over) Barney: Daddy's home. Trudy: Or the one after that. Barney: OK, fair enough. I've got to prove a point to a friend, so you just gave me your number and your name is Amy. (Barney takes out yellow paper and pen from inside jacket pocket, scribbles on paper) Barney: Ladies. (Barney puts pen back in his pocket and walks away) (flash forward to Ted standing on table while singing) Ted: I love everyone in this bar. Trudy's friend: Look at that idiot go. Trudy: He's kinda cute. (Ted falls down and Trudy and her friends laugh) (flash forward to Trudy washing her hands in the ladies room, Ted walks out of stall) Ted: What are you doing in the men's room? What am I doing in the ladies' room? Oh right, I came in here 'cause I thought I was gonna throw up. Trudy: Did you? Ted: I did not. (back to present scene) Ted: And the streak continues. Vomit-free since '93. (Ted and Marshall high-five) Ted: Sorry, Trudy, go on. (flashback to Trudy and Ted in ladies room) Trudy: I liked your performance. Ted: What? The karaoke? Domo arigato. Trudy: I wish I had your guts, getting up and making a complete idiot of myself. Ted: Do it. Trudy: I don't know. Still, I've had a pretty serious week. I could sure stand to do something stupid. Ted: I'm something stupid, do me. Trudy: You're funny. Ted: Hey, can I call you sometime? Trudy: OK. (Ted gets his phone out) Trudy: Here, let me. (Trudy takes it and puts her phone number in) Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Carrie Okie? These are the kinds of things I think about. Trudy: Karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra. Ted: That's hauntingly beautiful. (Ted presses send and Trudy's phone rings) Ted: Hey, it works. Trudy: Then I guess you're gonna have to call me. (Trudy walks out of ladies room) (flash forward to Ted and Carl talking at bar) Ted: I need to make one more call. (Ted gets phone out, cut to Trudy sitting in back of cab, her phone rings and she answers) Trudy: Hello. (screen divides into two with Trudy talking on phone on left side, Ted on phone on right side) Ted: Hey, it's me again. Trudy: Hey. Ted: Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life. (back to present scene, Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall listen to Trudy telling story in living room) Trudy: So I came over here. And now I'm really, really embarrassed. Marshall: Dammit, Trudy, what about the pineapple? Sorry. (knock on door) Ted: Uh, Robin's here. Um, look, Trudy, I need you to hide in my bedroom. (Ted grabs Trudy's hand and drags her to his room) Trudy: Why, is that your girlfriend? Ted: No, that's not my girlfriend. Look, it's complicated. Trudy: You're married. Yeah, I can't believe I did this. Ted: No, I'm not married. Um, I'll explain after you hide. (Trudy goes into Ted's room, Ted goes over and opens front door) Ted: Hi. Robin: Hey guys. Barney: Robin. Lily: Hi Robin. Barney: Top of the morning. Ted: Um, sorry I kept calling you like that. I was very drunk. Robin: No kidding. Those calls were really weird. Look, Ted, maybe we need to talk. Lily: Let's go get a snack. (Lily stands up) Marshall: I love to snack. (Marshall stands up) Barney: I'm good. (Lily pulls Barney up, Marshall, Lily and Barney walk over to kitchen) Ted: Come on, those calls weren't that weird. (Robin clears her throat, gets her phone out of her purse, presses button and phone replays Ted's call to Robin) Ted: (recording form phone) Robin! Come hang out! OK, I'm gonna make this sound until you come hang out. (Ted makes weird sound) Robin: That goes on for three-and a half minutes. Ted: Without a breath? That's gotta be some kind of record. Robin: Ted, you can't do this. Please, we're to be friends and now you're making it all confusing. Ted: No I'm not. Look, I just turned off my brain for the night. Nothing's changed, you've moved on, I've moved on. Robin: Really, you moved on? Ted: Yes. What, you don't believe me? (Robin exhales) Ted: Oh, OK. (Ted limps over to his room) Ted: Trudy, come on out. (Ted points to Robin) Ted: You are gonna laugh. Robin: Wait, you were with someone last night? Ted: Yeah, Trudy, she's cool. (Ted knocks on his bedroom door) Ted: Trudy, come on out. (Robin walks over to Ted) Ted: Seriously, it's OK. This is so Trudy. She's really shy, I think. (Ted opens door) Ted: Trudy? INT. TED'S BEDROOM (Ted and Robin enter to find room empty, Robin walks over to pineapple) Robin: Hi Trudy, I'm Robin. It's nice to meet you. You're right, she is shy. Ted: I'm not making this up. She must have climbed out the f*re escape. (Robin looks at Ted incredulously) Ted: Whatever, whatever. I don't care what you think. Robin: Then why did you hide her from me? Ted: Wow, you're good. Did anyone ever tell you you should be on 60 Minutes? Robin: Yes, you did, last night. Ted: Really? Well. Robin: Get some sleep, Ted. You had a long night. And don't feel bad, I've woken up with worse. (Robin walks out of his room, Ted sits down on bed and lies back) Future Ted VO: I left Trudy a message but she never called me back. That's just how life works sometimes. You turn off your brain for a night, and all you're left with is a bad hangover, a sprained ankle. (Ted looks at pineapple) INT. APARTMENT (Barney, Robin, Lily, Ted and Marshall sit around table eating pineapple) Future Ted VO: Oh, and we never found out where that pineapple came from, but it was delicious. END	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x10 - The Pineapple Incident"}	foreverdreaming
Ted from 2030: Kids, the thing about New Year's Eve is that it sucks. Sure, it looks great on TV, but in reality, it's always just a big let down, but in 2005, I attempted to do the impossible, to give my friends a great New Year's Eve. I had an idea of how to do it, too. And all it cost was half my Christmas bonus. Ted: Yeah, that's right...a limo. [3 hours before midnight] Robin: Oh, man, Ted, this is great. Ted: Okay, people, let's talk strategy. Last new years, we went our separate ways, and it sucked. This year we party together or not at all. Now, I sifted through your party submission and I narrowed them down to these five. Barney: Question? Ted: Yes, Barney, your submissions were received and no, we will not be attending any parties in your pants. Barney: But you enjoyed the e-vite, right? Thas an actual picture of my pants. Lily: Yeah. Ted: We will ht all five parties before midnight, and then narrow them down to one, the most awesome party in New York City and that is where we will ring, nay rock, in the new year. Lily: All right, and party number one that's where we get to meet Mary Beth? Robin: Mary Beth? Ted: Oh, she works in my office. She seems like she might be into me. She's always finding reasons to hug me. So tonight... Barney: People often ask me "Barney, how is it that you're so psyched so much of the time?" Lily: By who? Who asks you that? Barney: And the answer is right here... my own, personal "get psyched" mix. Now, people often think a good mix should rise and fall, but people are wrong. It should be all rise, baby. Now prepare yourselves for an audio journey into the white-hot center of adrenaline. Bam. Lily: It's working. Ted: I am definitely getting psyched. Marshall: Oh, God. I'm reaching dangerous levels of psychage. Must do robot. Barney: Let's do this! Ted: Yes! Let's! Oh, driver? Barney: Ranjit! Dude, you're driving a limo now. That's awesome. Ranjit: I've moved up in the world. Robin: How do you guys know each other? Ted: Oh, we rode in his cab one time. It's a long story. Barney: Hey, what are we waiting for? We got five parties to ht, and three hours to do it. Robin: Oh, I wish I could come with you guys but Derek should be coming by any minute to pick me up. Ted from 2030: Oh, yeah, Robin was spending New Year's with her boyfriend, Derek. Derek. He was like rich, successful, handsome. I hated that guy. Robin: Oh, I'll miss you guys. Have fun. Lily: Bye. Ted: See ya next year. Go get 'em. Lily: Well, this kind of sucks. Ted: Okay, nobody get down. We knew this going in. We're a man down. That just means we're gonna have to party that much harder. Ranjit! Party number one. Ranjit: Party number one! Barney: Party number one! [2H30 before midnight] Marshall: I can't believe we're leaving a party that had pigs in blankets. If you think we can bat that, you got some brass ones. Ted: Hey, we've got four more parties to ht. If party number one turns out to be the best, we'll just limo on back to it. Lily: We didn't really get a chance to meet. I'm Lily, and this is my fiance, Marshall. Mary Beth: Hi. Mary Beth. So great to meet you guys. Marshall: My word. Lily: You're, you're friendly. Mary Beth: American party friends of Barney's. Lily: Oh, no. Ted: So, Barney, who's your new friend? Barney: Natalya. Natalya: Oh, friendly. Lily: So, where are you from, Natalya? Barney: She... Who knows? The former Soviet Republic of Drunk-Off-Her-Ass-Istan? Natalya: Super-drunk-fantastic, huh? Barney: Isn't she awesome? Marshall: How are your feet doing, baby? Lily: Okay, I love these shoes, but the pain-to-hotness ratio is pretty steep. Can we swing by the apartment, so I can change? Ted: Come on, Lily, we have a tightly scheduled evening of awesomeness ahead of us. I need you to power through the pain. Lily: Okay, Ted, but these dogs are really barking. Barney: It's true. I can hear them. What's that, little boys? What's that? You wanna go for a... rock? Ted: Ranjit! Party number two. Ranjit: Party number two. [1h55 before midnight] Ted: Party number two? Not so good. Marshall: Let's go back to party number one. Ted: No, no turning back. Ranjit, party number three. Ranjit: Party number three. Yeah. Barney: Oh, wait, wait, wait. We have to turn around. We left Natalya. Lily: Barney, none of us really liked her. Barney: What?! Lily: Sorry. Barney: Oh, very nice, Lily. You know, she is a guest in this country. So while you may chose to turn your back on her, I choose to turn my front on her. What up? Ted: I'm sorry about Barney. Mary Beth: No, I'm having a great time. I'm really glad that you asked me out tonight. Ted: Me, too. (Ted's phone starts ringing) Hey, Robin. Robin: Ted, Derek stood me up. Ted from 2030: Pfft. Derek. Now, we had a tight schedule to keep that night and I was already on a date with another girl. But... it was Robin. Ted: Ranjit, turn it around. [1h38 before midnight] Robin: Oh, God, I'm so sorry about this. You guys had your schedule and I screwed it all up. Ted: No, this is perfect. It's meant to be. We're all back together. Lily: What happened? Robin: Derek's stuck in Connecticut closing some deal. Who works on New Year's Eve? Okay. Now I feel worse. I was really looking forward to this night. This sucks. (Barney puts the music on) Marshall: Oh, dude, not now! Barney: What? She needs to get psyched. Fine. (Barney stops the music) Robin: Maybe I should just go home. (Barney puts the music back on) Barney: My finger slipped. (He stops the music one more time) Ted: Look, Robin, you're not going home. Come on, it's New Year's Eve. Look, so your date fell through. So what? What do you need a date for? Someone to kiss at midnight? Fine. I'll kiss you at... a little bit after midnight. Robin: Hi, I'm Robin. Mary Beth: Mary Beth. Robin: You're friendly. I haven't eaten dinner yet. Is there anything to eat in this thing? Ted: That's it. I know what you're jonesing for. Ranjit, take us to Gray's Papaya! Robin: Oh, yes. Ted, you rock. Barney: We couldn't go back for Natalya, a human being, but we do have time for hot dogs? Marshall: Yeah, we like hot dogs. Barney: No. No. We are already behind schedule. Ted, come on. We have an hour and a half before midnight I don't want to be kissing Ranjit. Ranjit: You don't know what you're missing. Ted: Come on, it's only a 20-minute detour. Lily: Which is exactly how much time I need. Ranjit, stop the car. Ranjit: Stopping the car. Marshall: Wait. Baby, what are you doing? Lily: I'm going home. Ted: What? No! Lily: I can't stay in these heels any longer, I just can't. There's a cab over there. I'll just run back to the apartment and change shoes. Marshall: But... hot dogs. Lily: Well, I know, baby, I'd love to go, but it's two against one. Marshall: Okay, I'll go with you. Lily: No, baby. Baby, you go with them and I'll meet you at, at... party number three. Marshall: Are you sure? Lily: If I don't see you, happy new year. Marshall: Don't say that. We'll find each other. We'll find each other. Lily: I know we will. (Lily leaves the limo) Marshall: Hell of a woman. Let's go get some hot dogs! [1h18 before midnight] Ted: Ranjit, party number three. Ranjit: Party number three. Marshall: Oh, yeah! Look at us. Riding around in a limo. Eating hot dogs. It's like we're the president. Ted: Hey. I'll bet you're feeling better now. Robin: Oh, so much better. Marshall: Guys. Is that Moby? I think that that's Moby. Ted from 2030: Now, kids, Moby was a popular recording artist when I was young. Ted: No way. Robin: That's totally Moby. That's awesome. Ted: Should I say something? I should say something, right? Moby! Hey, Moby! Barney: Oh, my God. He's coming over. Everybody be cool. Everybody be cool. Ted: Hey. Moby: Hello. Ted: What's up? Uh, you, uh, going somewhere? Moby: Yeah, I'm just going to this party downtown. Ted: You want a ride? Moby: Sure. Ted: Welcome. Moby: Wow. You're friendly. Barney: Big fan. Barney Stinson. So, uh... what about this party? Moby: It's just a New Year's thing. You know, with some friends. Robin: Wow, that sounds awesome. Moby: You guys want to come? Ted: Yeah, we'd love to. Moby: All right. Marshall: Uh, Ted. Sidebar? Ted: Um... Moby, switch up, will you? Yeah, what's up? Marshall: What about Lily? Ted: Call her. Marshall: I've been trying to call her. I can't get through. All the circuits are jammed. Ted: That's New Year's Eve for you. Well, look, we'll just swing by Moby's party and then afterwards... Marshall: No, I-I can't. Lily's waiting. I gotta... I gotta find her. Okay, I'll meet you at party number three. Ted: But... Come on! Moby's party! Moby's party! Moby's par... Ranjit. Moby's party. Ranjit: Moby's party. Moby: This is a cool mix. You know, people think a great mix has to rise and fall. I think it should be all rise. Barney: Yes. Moby... Yeah, it should start high, get higher. This mix is my pride and joy. I never leave home without it. Moby: Oh, that's how I feel about Janice here. Barney: Jan... Aah! Moby: So then I say, "your motorcycle was like that when I got here." Ted: You're not Moby, are you? Moby: Who? Robin: Moby... the recording artist, Moby. Moby: No. Barney: But when we said, "Hey, Moby," you said, "Yeah." Not-Moby: I thought you said "Tony." Ted: So your name is Tony? Not-Moby: No. Oh, hey, we're here. All right. You guys going to come in? Ted: Nah. Not-Moby: You're sure? Come on. It's going to get nuts in there. There's this dude who owes me money. Barney: No, uh, we're good. We're good. Happy New Year, Not Moby. Not-Moby: Oh, hey, hey, um, be safe. Barney: Why did we think that guy was Moby? Ted: I don't know. I see a short bald hipster, my mind goes straight to Moby. Barney: That's Marshall's phone. Hello. Lily: Oh, Marshall, thank God I got through. Barney: Hey, sexy. Lily: Barney, where's Marshall? Barney: He left his phone in the limo. He's out looking for you. Lily: What? Where? Barney: Party number three. Lily: Well, I'm here at party number three and... Oh, my God! Guess who just walked in... Moby! Barney: Moby?! She's upstairs. Ted: Lily, you have to get out of there this instant. That's not Moby. Lily: Uh, no, I know Moby and that's Mo... Does he have a gn? Ted: Run! Oh, my God, Not Moby's party is party number four. What are the odds? (Lily comes in) Lily: Who was that guy?! Barney: Well, we know it's not Moby and it's not Tony. Ted: Ranjit, drive! Ranjit: Where to? Ted: Party number three! Ranjit: Party number three! Lily: No, but I was just at party number three. Ted: No, no, no, no you were at party number four. You must have looked at the list wrong. Barney: Well, after that rather unpsyching experience, you know what it's time for? It's time to... what? That's right, re-psych. Re-psy... Where's the...? Oh, my God! Not Moby took my "Get Psyched" mix! Ted: Barney, Barney, Barney, it's not worth it! Let it go. We need to get back on schedule. Ranjit: Ah, nuts. [28 minutes before midnight] Ted: Ranjit, are you sure I can't help? Ranjit: No. I am pissed. Ted, I don't want you to see me pissed. Ted: Okay Okay, not a problem. He'll jack it up, slap on a tire and we'll be at party number three in no time. Lily: I wish Marshall would call. I guess the circuits are jammed. Barney: Yeah, you know why all the circuits are jammed because everyone's calling their loved ones, everyone around the world. Everyone except Barney. Oh, sure, laugh. Laugh for Barney Stinson. Laugh for the sad clown trapped on his whirling carousel of suits and cigars and bimbos and booze. Round and round it goes. And where's it all heading? Nowhere. Robin: Is this just 'cause you lost your "Get Psyched" mix? Barney: I'm sorry. Am I not allowed to have a pensive side? Robin: No. No, not tonight. Not in the limo. We got to stay psyched. Ted went to a lot of trouble to make this an awesome New Year's. (singing...) sht through the heart And you're to blame, darling Ted and Robin: You give love a bad name Ranjit: A bad name Ted and Robin: I play my part and you played your game Mary Beth: I'm going to get some air. Ted and Robin: Darling, you give love a bad name, bad name! Ted: It'll be fine. We'll be out of here in a jiff. Mary Beth: Ted, I'm going to head out. My roommates are having a party not far from here. Ted: No. Look, I know this night isn't turning out the way I planned, but... Mary Beth: How long have you been in love with Robin? Ted: I'm not in love... We're just friends. Where are you getting that from? Mary Beth: Ted, it's okay. I'm fine. And I can tell that she's into you, too. Ted: That's ridiculous. Wait. Really? Mary Beth: Happy New Year, Ted. [19 minutes before midnight] Lily: I can't believe Mary Beth left before midnight. Ted: Oh, she just had to make an appearance at this other party. It's no big deal. Barney: The first time I rode in a limo I was five. I was on the way to my grandfather's funeral. I suppose, in a way, I still am. Lily: Okay, wow, it's getting weird in here. I'm going to call Marshall. Ted: But he left his phone. Lily: Marshall! Marshall! Robin: I'm sorry about your girl. Ted: Sorry about your guy. Robin: Well, at least we both have someone to kiss at midnight. Did you forget about our little deal? Because I did not. Ted: I did not, too. (Robin's phone starts ringing) Robin: Derek. Hi. How's work? Ted: I'll give you some privacy. Lily: Marshall! Ted: Okay, how's this for a plan? We start walking now, we get to party number three by 12:45. We celebrate the New Year in Central Standard Time. Lily: Marshall! Barney: Give it a rest, Ted. Ted: Give what a rest? Barney: Trying to turn this night into anything more than what it is, which is New Year's Eve which is the single biggest letdown of a night every single year. Lily: Marshall! Ted: Come on, come on, we can still turn this thing around. We've still got ten minutes. Barney: Stop trying to chase down some magical, perfect New Years, Ted. It doesn't exist. Lily: Marshall! Marshall: Lily! Ted: Holy crap. Lily: Marshall! Marshall: I knew I'd catch up with you guys eventually. So much to tell. I couldn't find Lily at party number three so I walked... I walked to the next party on the list. Ted: Not Moby's party? Marshall: Yes, Moby's party. Check it out. He signed my shirt. And guess what I found. Yeah, I heard it playing at the party, so I swiped it. Yeah, I know. Come on. Barney: Come on! Oh! Oh! Lily: Baby, baby, I was so worried about you. Why didn't you call me? Marshall: I tried, baby. All the circuits were jammed. But wait, there's more. After party number four, I figured you guys went to party number five. And so I went there, too, and it is awesome. I want to cry, it is so awesome. We have to go there. Ted: How? We'll never get a cab. Ranjit: The flat's fixed. Ted: Let's do this! Come on! In! Go, go, go! Lily: Natalya? Barney: Yeah, it turns out she was asleep in the front seat the whole time. Ranjit, why didn't you tell me? Ranjit: I didn't want to awake her. She looked so peaceful. Ted: Party number five is 20 blocks away and all the way across town. Ranjit, can you get us there in eight minutes? Ranjit: I get you there in six. [3 minutes before midnight] Ranjit: I don't think I can do it. All: No! Come on! Lily: Move, you stupid taxi! Marshall: Three minutes! All: Come on! Ted: Ranjit, put her in park. Dudes, I'm sure party number five is awesome, but it's not the best party in New York. 'Cause this is, right here. Barney: Cheers. Well said. All: Cheers. Ted from 2030: And just like that, we were having the perfect New Year's Eve. The funny thing is all night long, I'd been trying to chase something down that was right there in that limo. Robin: Derek?! Derek. Derek: Hey. Ted: Hey, uh, come on in. Derek: I cut my meeting short because I wanted to see you at midnight. Robin: I can't believe you made it. Derek: I made it, baby. Natalia: I super love you, okay? Barney: Here, you need a mint. All: Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Happy New Year! Ted from 2030: You probably want to feel bad for your old man at this point in the story. Well, don't. Not every night has a happy ending. But all of it's important. All of it was leading somewhere. Because suddenly, it was 2006. And 2006 was a big one. Robin: What the hell, man? I thought we had a deal. Ted: What about your guy? It's midnight. Go kiss him. Robin: Eh, he kept me waiting. I can keep him waiting. Ted: Well, a deal is a deal. Robin: Happy New Year. Ted: Happy New Year. [END]	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x11 - The Limo"}	foreverdreaming
INT. APARTMENT (Ted opening wedding invitation, Ted sits down and looks at R.S.V.P card, makes check mark) Future Ted VO: When you're single and your friends start to get married, every wedding invitation presents a strange moment of self-evaluation. Will you be bringing a guest or will you be attending alone? What it's really asking is where do you see yourself in three months? Sitting next to your girlfriend or hitting on a bridesmaid? I always checked that I was bringing a guest. I was an optimist. ('Two Months and 26 Days Later,' Ted sitting on couch talking on phone) Ted: Who the hell am I gonna bring to this wedding? (screen splits, Barney in cab on phone on left side of screen, Ted on right side) Barney: Ted, have you ignored all my teachings? Ted: For the most part, yeah. Barney: You don't bring a date to a wedding. That's like bringing a deer carcass on a hunting trip. Oh Ted, oh Ted, no, no date. Ted: Deer carcass, really? That's the metaphor you're going for? Barney: Ted, it's a simile. Ted: Well, it's too late now. If I don't bring a date, a $200 piece of chicken-slash-salmon will go uneaten. I gotta bring someone, but who? Future Ted VO: Of course I knew who I wanted to bring: Robin. (TV screen showing Robin reporting in front of bridge) Future Ted VO: The big unanswered question in my life. Problem was, she was dating this really rich guy named Derek. (sht of Derek and Robin sitting in back of car) Future Ted VO: Pft, Derek. INT. MACLAREN'S (Marshall, Lily, Ted and Barney sit at booth, Robin stands by booth) Robin: Well, Derek and I just broke up. Lily: No, that's terrible, are you OK? Marshall: Yeah, do you need a drink or something? (Robin sits down next to Lily) Robin: Never really clicked. I felt bad though, he was pretty bummed. Barney: Don't bat yourself up. He'll be fine. I mean, the guy's like a billionaire. He can put his platinum card on a fishing line and reel in 10 chicks hotter than you. Robin: Thanks, I feel a lot better. Think I'll get that drink now. (Robin gets up and walks over to bar) Ted: OK, guys, I gotta say something. I think my feelings for Robin may be resurfacing. (Marshall laughs) Lily: Oh, because they were buried in a shallow grave. Marshall: Not again. Come on, dude, we all know how this movie ends. Ted falls in love. Love kicks Ted in the sprouts. Roll credits. Ted: No, you guys just have to look at the whole picture. Fact. (flashback to Robin and Ted dancing in her apartment) Ted: Robin was into me when we first met. Fact. (flashback to Ted and Robin kissing on roof) Ted: Even though she didn't want a relationship, we had an amazing kiss on the roof. Fact. (flashback to Ted and Robin kissing at New Year's) Ted: On New Year's Eve, we kissed again. Fact. (back to present scene) Ted: I need a date to this wedding. Wish me luck (Ted gets up and walks over to Robin at bar) Barney: What I don't get is, why is Claudia marrying Stuart? She's way hotter than him. How way? Way way. Marshall: This wedding does sound pretty amazing though. Fancy hotel ballroom, everybody all dressed up. Lily: Ah, here we go. Barney: What? Lily: We can't get anywhere with our wedding plans because I want it to be fun and Marshall wants it to be lame. Marshall: Oh yeah, OK, that's a pretty fair assessment of our two arguments. Lily: I thought so. Marshall: You know what, excuse me if I don't wanna get married barefoot in the woods next to Lake No-one's-gonna-drive-that-far. Yes, I want a ballroom and I want a band and I want shoes. I've been dreaming about this day since I was like... Lily: A little girl? Barney: What up? (Barney and Lily high-five) Marshall: OK, I'm just saying, that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it. Lily: Yes, but I'm the bride so I win. Marshall: Well, I thought marriage was about two equal partners sharing a life together. Lily: Right. But I'm the bride, so I win. Barney: Seriously, Claudia and Stuart?! I mean, I've hooked up with the odd lass who was beneath my level of attractiveness, but, you know, I was drunk. There's no way Claudia has been drunk for three years. (Ted and Robin talking over by bar) Ted: You know, I've always found that the best way to get over a failed relationship is to celebrate someone else's successful one. Robin: Well, makes sense. Ted: So, with that mind, our friends Claudia and Stuart are having this crazy, black-tie wedding on Saturday. You wanna be my 'plus one'? Robin: Ooh, 'plus one', you make it sound so romantic. Ted: Fine. You wanna be my date? Robin: Your date? I'd love to. Um, how fancy are we talking about here? Ted: Oh, you're gonna wanna bring your A game. Robin: Oh, I'll bring it. I'll bring it so hard the bride's gonna look like a big white bag of crap. (Robin puts her drink down on the bar and heads over to booth) Robin: Lily, I need a dress. Lily: You're going. That's awesome. Oh my God, four days to find a dress? Robin: I know, it's a su1c1de mission. Lily: Well, if we leave now, we can still have a fighting chance. Let's do it. (Lily and Robin rush out of bar) Marshall: Bye babe. Ted: Whoa, did you see how fired up she was? I don't know, there's something there. And come Saturday, a little music, a little dancing, a lot of champagne. Who knows? Barney: Wow, Ted, you're gonna have to find another gender for yourself 'cause I'm revoking your dude membership. Ted: Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday? Barney: Invigorating, thanks. Future Ted VO: OK, I wasn't going to say it in front of the guys but back then I really thought that's how it worked. (Ted and Robin dressed up dancing) Future Ted VO: You put yourself and a girl you like in some romantic setting. The stars line up and shazam. (Ted and Robin lean in towards each other as if to kiss) Future Ted VO: I know now that life is never that simple. EXT. STREET (Ted sees Claudia talking on phone) Ted: Hey, Claudia! Claudia: (on phone) Yes, I want Tahitian vanilla. You wrote it down wrong? No no no no no, listen to me. If I go to my wedding and the cake is not Tahitian vanilla, I will come down there and burn your little shop to the ground. Do you wanna find out if I'm kidding? Good-bye. (Claudia hangs) Ted: Hey, how's it going? Claudia: My wedding's in two days, that's how it's going. Ted: Oh, don't worry, it's gonna be great. I'm so excited. Claudia: You should be, lots of single girls. Ted: Oh, well, yeah, I'm bringing a date, so I'll be off the market. Claudia: What? Ted: I'm bringing a date. Claudia: You're not bringing a date. Ted: Uh, yes I am. Claudia: Uh, no you're not. Ted: I checked 'plus one'. Claudia: No you didn't. Ted: Claudia, I'm pretty sure I checked... Claudia: Ted, you did not check 'plus one', you are not bringing a date to my wedding. Ted: But I already invited someone. Claudia: You are not bringing a guest, Ted. The guest list has been closed for months. Months! Ted: But I checked 'plus one'. I always check 'plus one'. Claudia: You absolutely did not check 'plus one'. If you had checked 'plus one', I would have called you to get the name of your guest so I could get the guest cards printed up. Did I call you to get the name of your guest? Is there a place card with her name card printed on it? Ted: She doesn't need a place card, she knows her name. Claudia: What's she eating? You ordered the chicken, what did she order? Do you see how your story is full of holes? Ted: Come on, Claudia, we go way back. Isn't there room for just one more person? Claudia: Don't make me hurt you Ted. INT. MACLAREN'S (Marshall, Barney and Ted sit at booth) Ted: I don't believe this, Claudia is crazy. Barney: But to be fair, she's also hot. Ted: I totally checked 'plus one', I'm sure I did. Barney: Yeah, right. Ted: I did. Barney: Yeah, I don't think you did. You know why? Because deep down, you didn't want to show up at this thing with a date. See, for all your big talk about being ready for a relationship, deep down you're single. It's your default setting. Ted, you know what's in the back of your brain? Ted: Oh great, here comes the 'little Barney' speech. Barney: Behind a curtain, in a dark little room, secretly controlling your every move... Ted, Marshall: A little Barney. Barney: A little Barney. And you know what he said? (changing tone of voice) "Ted, you will bring no dates to this wedding. You will ht on drunk bridesmaids with actual-size Barney." Marshall: Wow. Ted: Please stop. I gotta call Claudia. If I just explain to her... Marshall: Ted, no. Let it go. She's about to get married. She's got enough to worry about. Ted: Then what am I gonna do? Marshall: The only thing you can do. Tell Robin she can't come. INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT BUILDING (Ted walks towards Robin's front door, Ted knocks on door) Robin: (from inside apartment) Just a second. (Lily opens door and steps out into hallway with Ted, Lily closes door behind her) Lily: Hey. Ted: Hey, listen. Lily: Wait, two things. First of all, I've been laying groundwork all afternoon, totally subtle, totally cool, not pushing, not even nudging. Just the theme of today is Ted rocks. And she's picking up on it lying down. Ted: Lily's there's a problem. Lily: Wait, no, thing number two. The dress, we got a dress. (Lily opens door and steps aside) Lily: Go. (Ted walks into Robin's apartment) INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT Robin: Well, did I bring it? Or did I bring it? (Robin spins and flips her hair) Robin: I think I brought it. Ted: Wow. Robin: That's what I was going for. I'm so excited about tomorrow. We're gonna have so much fun. Ted: Yeah, about that. (Robin looks at Ted) Ted: I'll pick you up at five. (Robin smiles) INT. CAB (Ted and Lily sit in back of cab) Lily: So, the dress? Ted: I don't have a 'plus one' for the wedding. Lily: What? Ted: I ran into Claudia and she told me I didn't check 'plus one' on the reply card. Lily: Why didn't you check 'plus... Ted: I did check 'plus one'. Lily: But Robin is so excited. Ted: I know. Lily: And the dress. Ted: I know. Lily: Oh. OK, OK, we'll, we'll sneak her in. Ted: We can't sneak her in, we're not ninjas. Lily: I wish we were ninjas. Ted: I know. Lily: You can always ask Stuart. Ted: Can I do that? Lily: Sure, you guys have been friends for a long time, and it's 40% his wedding too. Ted: Oh, it's gonna be a tough sell. INT. STUART'S APARTMENT (Ted and Stuart standing and talking) Stuart: Dude, no problem whatsoever. Ted: Really? Stuart: Sure, the more the merrier. Ted: Wow, wow, thanks for being so cool about this 'cause you know Claudia said... Stuart: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, this morning at the rehearsal, Claudia called our 7-year-old flower girl a whore. So, don't take it personally, she's just a little stressed. (Stuart opens front door) Ted: Yeah, she's not usually like that. Stuart: No. Ted: Well, thanks, Stu, it's gonna be a great wedding. (Ted walks out front door) INT. APARTMENT (Lily sitting on couch reading magazine, Marshall sitting at table behind couch) Lily: Honey, this magazine says more and more couples are opting to have nontraditional weddings out in the woods. Marshall: Well, if a magazine says so, we should go get married in the woods like a couple of squirrels. Lily: Squirrels don't get married, Marshall. Marshall: Like you could possibly know that. (Ted enters front door) Ted: I did it. I did it. I'm taking her to the wedding. Lily: Nice. Marshall: What? How? Ted: I talked to Stuart. Marshall: Oh, you went around the bride. "Oh, this hornet's nest looks harmless. Maybe I'll poke it with a stick. Oh, look, some gremlins, let me go feed them after midnight." Did you known about this? Lily: It may have been my idea. (Marshall exhales) Lily: What? Stuart doesn't get a say. Marshall: Ha! So you admit it, the groom should have an equal say. Lily: Oh, yeah, sure, on the stupid stuff, like who comes. Marshall: So I can invite whoever I want. Lily: Sure, there's plenty of room in the woods. (Cell phone rings, Ted takes his cell phone out of his pocket) Ted: It's Claudia. Marshall: So, it begins. Ted: Come on, it can't be that bad. (Ted looks at phone) Ted: Here, Lily, you answer it. (Ted hands phone to Lily) Lily: What? Why? Ted: Because this whole thing was your idea. And Claudia scares me. Lily: But...but you're the guy...oh. (Lily takes Ted's phone and answers it) Lily: Ted's phone. Oh, hi Claudia. What? Future Ted VO: Now I wasn't there, but what I heard, it went something like this. (flashback of Stuart and Claudia talking in their apartment) Stuart: Uh, by the way, honey, Ted stopped by and I told him he could bring his date to the wedding. Claudia: You what? Stuart: I told him he could bring a date to the wedding. (scene fast forwards) Claudia: Always undermining me at every turn. (scene fast forwards again) Stuart: Try to show a little flexibility, but no, it's all about you. (scene fast forwards some more) Claudia: And your mother, calling me all the time... (scene fast forwards yet again) Stuart: You know what, the wedding's off. (Stuart walks out and slams door) (back top present scene) (Lily covers mouthpiece of phone and whispers to Ted and Marshall) Lily: They broke up. (Marshall slaps Ted) Ted: Ow! Lily: (to Claudia on phone) Uh-huh, uh-huh. Ted: It's not because of me, is it? (Lily nods to Ted) Lily: Uh-huh. (screen splits to show Claudia in back of cab talking on phone on right side of screen) Claudia: My dad already paid for this huge wedding. He's gonna kll me. He's gonna kll Ted, then I'm gonna kll Ted. (another cell phone rings, Lily passes phone to Ted) Ted: It's Robin. Lily: Answer it. Ted: Uh, Lily's phone. (screen splits with Robin on phone on left side and Ted on phone on right side) Robin: Ted. Where's Lily? I need to tell her about these awesome shoes I just bought. Ted: Uh, Lily's busy. Robin: Oh, OK, well I just wanted to say they're gorgeous and Ted's gonna love them. Ted: That's great. I'll tell Lily to tell me. Uh, listen, I really wanna keep talking but now's not a good time so, um, I'm really excited about tomorrow. OK, bye. Robin: Bye-bye. (Ted and Robin hang up) Ted: Crap, she bought some expensive shoes. She's really looking forward to this. Do you think she's into me? Marshall: Ted, focus. (split screen with Lily and Claudia on respective phones) Lily: Sweetie, just calm down. Do you wanna go somewhere and talk? Claudia: I wanna go somewhere and drink. Lily: OK, meet me at MacLaren's. I'll see you there. (Lily and Claudia hang up phones) Ted: I feel terrible. Marshall: Well, feel terrible later. Right now, we gotta fix this. Lily, you go down to the bar and comfort Claudia. Ted and I will go and try to talk some sense into Stuart. Ted: Tell Claudia I'm sorry. Did she seem pissed at me? Lily: She said if there's no wedding tomorrow, you owe her father $400,000. Ted: Let's say we get these crazy kids back together. INT. MACLAREN'S (Claudia sitting at bar drinking and looking sad, Barney approaches her) Barney: Hi, sad-eyes. What's got you down? Claudia: Stuart and I just broke up. (Claudia starts to cry) Barney: Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's just, that's just... (to bartender) two vodka cranberries. Claudia: You remembered I drink vodka cranberries. Barney: Remember? When it comes to you, how could I forget? Barney: (to bartender) They all drink vodka cranberries. Barney: So, is there anything else you need, sweetie? Claudia: You got $400,000? Barney: No, but I do have a hug. (Barney puts his arms out, Claudia hugs him) Barney: (looking up, whispers) Thank you. INT. STUART'S APARTMENT (Ted and Marshall talk to Stuart as he packs books into boxes) Ted: Stuart, I don't know what to say. If I caused this in any way... Stuart: Ted, for all I know you did me the biggest favor anyone's every done me. Marshall: Oh, come on, man, you don't mean that. Stuart: Yeah, I do. This whole thing's made me realize, I miss being single. I miss staying out late and making messes and not cleaning them up. I miss owning prn. Marshall: Dude, who doesn't. Stuart: You know, I'll see some super-hot model chick and I'll think, "why am I with Claudia? I can be with her." Ted: That's crazy. I mean, you're the luckiest...you and Claudia both... Stuart: The point is, I wanna get married, I wanna settle down. But right now, that's just not who I am. I'm not a commitment guy, I'm a single guy. Ted: Stuart, you don't have to be one or the other. Everybody feels this way sometimes. Relationships aren't easy, they're hard work. It's about compromise, growing together, all that Dr. Phil crap. Stuart: How would you know, you're not even married? Ted: OK, ask this guy. Nine years he's been with Lily. He's the pro. This guy knows relationships. Tell him, Marshall. Marshall: Stuart, don't get married. Ted: Dude. Stuart: What? Marshall: I'm sorry. Being in a couple is hard and committing, making sacrifices, it's hard. But if it's the right person, then it's easy. Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest thing in the world. And if it's not like that, then she's not the one. I'm sorry. Ted: You know I don't have $400,000, right? INT. MACLAREN'S (Barney and Claudia sit next to each other in booth) Claudia: Maybe we got together too young. Maybe that's what the problem was. I mean, I'm 28 years old. I've really only been with one man. Barney: That's just, that's... (yelling over to bartender) two more vodka cranberries please. Barney: Claudia, it's all gonna be OK. Claudia: Thanks for listening, Barney. Really means a lot to me. Barney: Isn't it weird that we should run into each other like this? Two souls of equal levels of attractiveness, both fitting together like two pieces of a very attractive puzzle. Lily: Oh, hell no. (Lily grabs Barney's ear and drags him away from Claudia) Barney: Oww Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you try to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes. Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles? Lily: One of each. Barney: All right, all right. (Stuart, Marshall and Ted enter MacLaren's) Stuart: Claudia. Claudia: Stuart. I'm so sorry. (Claudia stands up) Stuart: I'm so sorry too. Claudia: I love you. Stuart: I love you too, babe. Marshall and Ted set me straight, and when Marshall told me not to marry you, it made me realize... Claudia: Marshall said what? (Claudia pushes Stuart out of the way to try to attck Marshall, Marshall hides behind Lily) Stuart: He made me realize how much I love you. These guys got us back together. (Stuart and Claudia kiss) Ted: So, where did we land on the whole 'plus one' thing? (Claudia turns around and tries to att*ck Ted, Ted runs away) Future Ted VO: It took three more vodka cranberries to subdue Claudia but eventually she graciously agreed to let me bring Robin. INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT BUILDING (Ted walks up to Robin's front door in tuxedo, knocks on door, Robin opens door) Ted: Still wow. Robin: Wow yourself. Look who else brought it. INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT (Ted walks into Robin's apartment) Ted: Oh yeah, I thought about leaving it at home, but I figured I don't wanna get there and realize I need it and have to go all the way back to get it, so, yeah, I brought it. (Robin's cell phone rings) Robin: Sorry. (Robin takes phone out of purse and answers) Robin: Hello. Oh my God, tonight? You're kidding. Robin: (to Ted) They want me to anchor the news tonight. Robin: Really? Like, anchor anchor? What happened to Sandy? OK, OK, sure, what time do you need me to...Right now! Oh. Ted: Do it. Do it. Robin: OK, I need like five minutes to change and um, I'll call you from the cab... INT. WEDDING RECEPTION (Ted and Barney sit at table, Marshall and Lily dancing) Marshall: So, admit it, this wedding is both indoors and amazing. Lily: I'll give you the crab puffs. The crab puffs are good. Marshall: Crab puffs were incredible. Lily: We should totally have them at our wedding. Marshall: Definitely. Hey, we just agreed on something. Lily: Did we just start planning our wedding? Marshall: I think we did. (Marshall and Lily kiss) Lily: We totally have to get that brown dipping sauce. Marshall: Oh, I thought the red sauce was like aweome. Lily: My God, were you born without taste buds? (Marshall smiles and laughs) Lily: What? Marshall: I love you. (cut to Robin anchoring the news) Robin: Coming up, are there snakes living in your walls? The answer may surprise you, after the break. (back to wedding scene) (Stuart and Claudia dance) Barney: Man, you know something, Stuart's my new hero. If that dude can bag a nine, I gotta be able to bag like a sixteen. Ted: What's a sixteen? Barney: Those two eight's right over there. Yeah. (Claudia and Stuart walk over to Ted and Barney) Claudia: Hi Ted. Ted: Claudia. Claudia: We just wanted to get a picture with the woman who almost ended our relationship. Stuart: Yeah, where is she? Ted: Um (clears throat) She couldn't make it. (Claudia laughs) Ted: What's so funny? Claudia: Plan a wedding, you'll see. (Stuart and Claudia walk away) Ted: Look at that. That's how it's supposed to be, that, right there. Easy. Simple. It's just not like that with Robin. It's not easy, and on some level, it has to just be easy. Barney: Speaking of easy, bridesmaids, Ted. Bridesmaids. (Claudia walks towards Ted) Claudia: By the way, I almost forgot. We found this. (Claudia hands Ted his reply card, Ted takes it and looks at it, Claudia walks away) Ted: I didn't check 'plus one'. You were right. Barney: Of course I was right. Ted: I'm single. Maybe that's just who I am. And you know what? I like being single. Barney: Being single's the best. Ted: Stay out as late as you want. Barney: Answer to no one. Ted: The whole world full of endless possibilities. Barney: Never having to go to a farmer's market. (Ted and Barney clink champagne glasses) Barney: OK, ah, doing some math here. Table six has got three bridesmaids, an eight, an eight and a seven. I am willing to give you one of the eight's, lowering myself to a fifteen, which means you owe me... Future Ted VO: So there we were, two single guys doing our usual single guy thing. For whatever reason, I had let myself believe that this night would be a turning point, that this was the night that my life, my real life, would finally begin. Funny thing is, I wasn't totally wrong. (Ted notices girl at table, Girl looks at Ted and smiles Future Ted VO: 'Cause that night was just beginning. END	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x12 - The Wedding"}	foreverdreaming
(pictures of brides and grooms at their weddings) Future Ted VO: Kids, in life there are a lot of big romantic moments, and they make life worth living. But here's the problem, moments pass, and lurking just around the corner from those moments is a cruel, unshaven bastard named reality. INT. WEDDING RECEPTION (Ted, Barney and Tanya, a bridesmaid, sit) Future Ted VO: And so, back in 2006, on the night of Claudia and Stuart's wedding, reality was the enemy. Tanya: Wow, the Peace Corps? Barney: Yeah, I ship out tomorrow for two years. You know, some people say the Peace Corps is the most noble thing a person can do. To those people, I say, "Is it?" And usually they say, "yes it is." Tanya: Barney, they are so right. I wish there was something I could do. Barney: Oh, Tanya, I'm so glad you said that. (Barney leans over and whispers to Tanya) Future Ted VO: This wasn't how I thought the night would turn out. (Ted's dream scenario of him and Robin dancing) Future Ted VO: This was finally supposed to be my big moment with Robin. But then reality came along. (flashback to Robin getting called to do news, then flashback of Robin anchoring the news) Future Ted VO: Robin got called up last minute to anchor the 11 o'clock news. It was her big break. (back to present scene) Future Ted VO: And I went to the wedding stag. Then, when I least expected it... (Ted notices girl and smiles, Girl smiles back) INT. APARTMENT (Lily and Marshall sitting on couch, Ted walks over to them) Lily: Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night? Ted: I had the most amazing night ever. Marshall: Tell me about it, that cake, best cake I ever had. Seriously. My stomach was like, hey bro, I don't know what you're eating 'cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down gullet alley. Lily: Yeah, I know. My stomach was like, girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake... Marshall: Say what? Ted: Lily. Lily: Oh right. Most amazing night ever, and go. (flashback to Ted talking to Victoria at wedding) Victoria: I should tell you, I have a rule. I never hook up at weddings. Ted: I'm guessing you haven't always had this rule. Victoria: Well, here's the thing. Those big romantic moments, they're great when they happen, but they're not real. Ted: Exactly. Exactly, like, like just now, when I saw you doing the chicken dance out there, I'm not gonna lie to you, big time thunderbolt. Victoria: You should see me tap-dance. You'd be down on bended knee. Ted: Sadly not out of character. But I know now it's just a mirage. Victoria: Wedding goggles. Ted: Exactly. And that, in a nutshell, is why I'm not putting the moves on you. Victoria: This isn't the moves? Ted: What, you think this is the moves? Believe me, you'd know the moves. People ten tables away would know the moves. Victoria: That's too bad. Ted: Tell me about it. Victoria: You know, I think I have a solution. Ted: Interested. Victoria: And, to preface this, we're not going to sleep together tonight. Ted: Less interested. (Victoria laughs) Ted: Go ahead. Victoria: OK. So the thing that always screws it up is the next day, right? So, why don't we just cut that part out. Ted: What are you saying? Victoria: I'm saying, I'm here, you're here, and this is a big, romantic wedding. Why don't we just dance and have a great time and then when it's over, never see each other again. Ted: Unless... Victoria: No, no unless. No emails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight we will make a memory that will never be tarnished. And then, when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this night and it'll be perfect. Ted: Wow. OK, I'm in. Victoria: OK. Ted: I guess, what, we'll need fake names? Victoria: Um, you can call me Buttercup. (Victoria extends hand, Ted shakes it) Ted: Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I'm Lando Calrissian. (Victoria laughs) Ted: Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded... (Barney comes up to Ted with a bridesmaid) Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted, look, I got a bridesmaid, Ted, look, look, Ted, the second hottest bridesmaid, Ted, look. See ya Ted. (Barney leaves quickly with Tanya) Ted: So, I'm Ted. Victoria: Victoria. But no last names. Ted: No last names. (back to present scene) Marshall: Oh. Lily: Oh, what is wrong with you? Marshall: Dude, that is just like... a weenie ass idea. Ted: No, it was awesome. I had a great night, I'm never gonna see her again, and there's no way to ruin it. Marshall: Ted, how do I explain this to you? Last night I had the best cake of my life. You think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life? Hell, no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake and then I'm gonna get some more cake. Ted: That cake really got to you, huh? Marshall: It haunts me. Lily: So, what happened next? (flashback to Ted and Victoria at wedding) Victoria: OK, ground rules have been established. Ted: Mm-hm. Victoria: Now let's see some of these moves I've heard so much about. (Ted gets up and grabs a bottle of champagne and two glasses and comes back over to Victoria and grabs her hand and leads her out of the reception area) Victoria: Wait wait wait wait wait. (Ted and Victoria slow down and stop by the cake table) Victoria: Let's do all the single ladies in this joint a big favor and steal the bouquet. Ted: Yes, but we'll need a diversion. (Ted grabs utensil from table and starts clinking his glass with it) Ted: Kiss. (Other people at wedding start clinking their glasses and chanting "kiss, kiss...", Victoria grabs bouquet and she and Ted rush out of reception) Ted: Go. Go, go, go (back to present scene) Lily: So, that's what happened to the bouquet. You know, good for Victoria. It's such an evil tradition. Ted: You're not gonna do it at your wedding? Lily: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna take that flower grenade and chuck it into the crowd and scream, crawl for it, bitches. It's just what girls do. Marshall: So, where did you guys go? (flashback to Ted playing piano and Victoria tap-dancing) Ted: Very nice. Victoria: Yeah? (Victoria sits down on piano bench next to Ted) Victoria: OK, I don't really know how to tap-dance. Ted: I couldn't really tell. (Ted and Victoria laugh) Ted: Well, it's too bad you're not gonna get some tonight. Victoria: Oh, if I wanted some, I could get some. Ted: No you couldn't. Victoria: You're a dude. I could totally... Ted: Totally get some. (Ted and Victoria look at each other, Ted starts to lean in towards Victoria) Victoria: We're not gonna kiss tonight. (Ted pounds keys on piano) Victoria: If we kiss, all of this becomes real. You, you might use too much tongue, or not use enough and then suddenly, poof, spell's broken. Ted: I will use exactly the right amount of tongue. Victoria: OK, how about this? The best part of any first-kiss is the lead-up to it, the moment right before the lips touch. It's like a big drumroll. So, how about, tonight, we just stick with the drumroll. Ted: OK. Victoria: But we can't kiss. Ted: OK. (Victoria and Ted lean in to each other as if to kiss and pull away) (back to present scene) Marshall: A drumroll? That's it. So, what, you just said good-night, came home, and performed a drum solo? Lily: Oh, Ted, you're such a doof. I mean, this girl sounds amazing. Ted: She was completely amazing. She was amazing and funny and we connected on every level. And, I'm never gonna see her again. (Ted gets up and walks towards kitchen, turns back suddenly toward Lily and Marshall) Ted: Dammit, I have to see her again. Lily, Marshall: Yes. Marshall: So, let's get to work, man. What else do you know about her? Ted: Nothing. Her name's Victoria, that's all I got. Wait, Claudia, Claudia would know. Lily: Well, Claudia's on her honeymoon. She'll be back in two weeks. Call her then. Ted: Yes, two weeks, good idea. I'm calling her now. (Ted starts dialing his cell phone) Lily: No, Ted, you don't mess with a honeymoon. Marshall: Yeah, come on, dude. Ask her about the cake. INT. AIRPORT (Claudia and Stuart are in line to board, Claudia's phone rings, she answers it) Claudia: Ted? (Ted on phone in his apartment) Ted: Hey, Claudia, great wedding, beautiful toast, touching stuff. How's the honeymoon? Listen, I'm calling because last night I met this girl and I was wondering if you had... (Claudia on phone) Claudia: Oh, you have got to be freakin kidding me. Stuart: Oh, here we go. Claudia: 24 hours ago, you were begging, begging me to bring some other girl to my wedding, and now, what, you're over her? (Ted on phone) Ted: I've moved on. (Claudia on phone) Claudia: What was her name? Was it my fat cousin, Lindsay? Don't be embarrassed. She has pretty eyes. (Ted on phone) Ted: Uh, no, her name was Victoria, I don't know her last name. (Claudia on phone) Claudia: Well, lucky for you, I know that guest list backwards and forwards. (Ted on phone) Ted: Thank God. (Claudia on phone) Claudia: Unlucky for you, there was no Victoria at my wedding. Good-bye, Ted. (Claudia hangs up) INT. APARTMENT (Ted puts phone down from his ear) Ted: There was no Victoria at the wedding. Lily: Maybe she used a second fake name. Oh, she's good, she's very good. Marshall: Maybe she was a ghost. That's why she didn't wanna kiss you, because you'd just pass right through her and feel really cold for a second. Oh my God, I just had a great idea for a screenplay. Ted: Marshall. She was not a ghost. Marshall: I know that she wasn't a ghost, she picked up a bouquet, proving she had corporeal form. Ted: Wait, wait, wait, she was sitting across from a couple of bridesmaids. She must have been at their table. Maybe they know who she was? Lily: Great. How do we get in touch with the bridesmaids? (Ted dials his phone) INT. MASSAGE PARLOR (Barney lying down getting massage, masseuse is standing on Barney's back, Barney's phone vibrates, he answers) Barney: This better be good, I'm about to enter nirvana. By the way, I should give you Nirvana's phone number, she gives a great massage. Say what? Nirvana: Barney. (Nirvana kicks Barney) Barney: Ow. I know the house rules. Es un chiste. (Ted on phone) Ted: Uh, listen, Barney, I saw you talking to that bridesmaid last night. Did you happen to get her phone number? (Barney on phone) Barney: You know I did. (Ted on phone) Ted: Great. I'm gonna need you to call her for me. (Barney on phone) Barney: You know I won't. (Ted on phone) Ted: Why not? INT. MACLAREN'S (Ted, Barney, Marshall, and Lily sit at booth) Barney: Because we just hooked up last night. I can't call the girl the next day. I have to wait at least, like, forever. Oh snap. Never gonna call her. Besides, she thinks I'm on my way to India. Lily: Oh, come on, Barney. It's for a good cause. Barney: Ted going all castrati over another girl is exactly not a good cause. Sorry, buddy, I wish I could help you, my hands are tied. Oh no, wait, that was last night. (Barney makes whip sound) Ted: OK, Barney, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. You make this call and I will go with you to Foxy Boxing. Barney: Really? Ted: Yeah. Barney: But you always said that Foxy Boxing girls were neither foxy nor good at boxing. Ted: I'm ready to be proven wrong. Barney: Tonight? Ted: Tonight. Dial. Barney: (on phone) Yeah, Tanya, turns out I don't leave for the Peace Corps until tomorrow. Yeah, I know, sucks. Just one fewer day I get to help people. Anyway, this girl, any idea who she was? Hold on. Barney: (to Ted) What kind of shoes... Barney: (on phone) Tanya, he's a dude. He's not gonna know what kind of shoes she was wearing. Ted: Actually. Barney: Oh come on. (flashback to Ted walking out of piano room) Victoria: Hey. (Victoria throws bouquet to Ted, Victoria walks up to Ted) Ted: So, what do you want to do next? Victoria: Uh... Ted: Don't think...first thing that comes into your mind. Victoria: Hold this. (Victoria takes off her shoes and hands them to Ted, Victoria does a cartwheel) Ted: Whoa. There she goes. (back to present scene) Barney: (on phone) Apparently she was wearing brown shoes with little snowflakes on them. Yeah, they do sound cute. Any idea who...? OK, well thanks anyway. Yeah, you take... Tonight? Well, I'm shipping out pretty early so I won't be able to stay over, but, yeah, sure, I'd love to. OK, I'll talk to you later. (Barney hangs up phone) Barney: Sorry, Ted, I won't be able to make foxy boxing tonight. Ted: I understand. Lily: OK, let's not lose hope. We'll call the hotel, maybe she was staying there. We'll have them check the registry for anyone named Victoria. Or maybe she goes by Vicky or Tori... Marshall: Or Ictor. Probably doesn't go by Ictor. Ted: No, you know what? This is fate. I am never supposed to see this girl again. That was the whole point of the night. I've just been saved from myself. Let's drink many beers. Marshall: Agreed. (Marshall and Ted clink beer glasses) Future Ted VO: And I thought that was the end of it, but then... INT. APARTMENT (Lily sits on couch reading magazine, knock at door, Lily gets up and opens door, Robin comes in) Lily: Hey, there's the anchor lady! How was it? Robin: Oh, I don't know. Why don't you ask the new substitute weekend anchor. Robin? Thanks, Robin, it was awesome. Back to you, Robin. Lily: Congrats, that's so cool. (Lily and Robin hug, then sit down on couch) Robin: Yeah, I felt really bad bailing on Ted though. Lily: Oh, don't even worry about it. In fact... (flashbacks of Ted and Victoria running out of reception with bouquet, Victoria sitting next to Ted on piano bench, Victoria doing her cartwheel) Future Ted VO: And then Lily told her the whole story, right down to the brown shoes with the little snowflakes on them, and by the end of it... (back to present scene, Robin sits there with her mouth agape) Lily: What? Robin: I know who she is. Lily: You know who she is? But, you weren't even at the wedding. Robin: Actually, I kind of was. Lily: What? Robin: Well, after the newscast, I was so excited, I decided to surprise Ted by going to the reception. (flashback to Robin walking in hallway of reception in her red dress, she stops at doorway of piano room and sees Ted and Victoria lean in as if to kiss each other, Robin walks away and walks into bathroom, Robin goes into stall and sits down and starts to cry) Robin: Dammit. Stop it. What the hell? Victoria: Hello? You OK in there? Robin: Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Just allergies or something. I'm fine. Victoria: Listen, do you wanna come and cry out here? I've been told I'm an excellent hugger. Robin: Oh, thanks, but I don't actually cry in front of people, or cry at all for that matter. Man, it's gross. Does everyone snot up this much when they cry? Victoria: Hey, you're speaking to a fellow snotter. So, why are you crying? (back to present scene) Lily: Because you have feelings for Ted. Robin: I don't know, maybe. Lily: OK, what is wrong with the two of you?! Seriously. He likes you and you like him, just, just, just be together. Geez, Louise, happiness is not that difficult. Robin: Oh, look, OK. Yes, I cried in the bathroom, and that was weird. But that doesn't mean I'm in love with the guy. The fact is I don't know how I feel. Lily: Yes you do. Seeing him with someone else and crying about it. Guess what? That's how you feel. That is nothing but how you feel. Robin: OK, fine, I have feelings for him. Happy? Lily: Kinda, yeah. Robin: But it doesn't change anything. I still don't wanna get married and he's still... Ted. What I should do is just tell him who Victoria is so he could be happy. Lily: Or you could tell him you're into him and then you could both be happy. Robin: I'm gonna go find him. (Robin walks towards the front door) Lily: Well, wait. Which one are you gonna tell him? Robin: I have no idea. INT. MACLAREN'S (Marshall, Ted and Barney sit at booth) Barney: And here's the most amazing part. Because I told her I converted all my money to India dollars, she gave me fifty bucks to take a cab to the airport. That's right, I just got paid for sex. (Barney takes a 50-dollar bill out of his pocket) Barney: I really should give this money to the Peace Corps. They've done so much for me lately. (Robin walks up to booth) Robin: Hi, guys, Ted: Hey. Robin: Um, Ted, can I talk to you outside for a second? Ted: Sure. What's up? (Ted gets up, Ted's phone rings) Robin: Uh, I, I have to tell you something. Ted: Oh. Robin: Oh, just get it. (Ted answers his phone) Ted: Hello. (Stuart sitting in airport on phone with Ted) Stuart: Ted, it's Stuart. My lovely bride would like to say something to you. (Stuart passes phone to Claudia) Claudia: Ted. I'm sorry I hung up on you earlier. My new husband and a vodka cranberry which cost $10.50 at the freakin' airport bar. When is this plane going to board?! Stuart: Sweet pea. Claudia: Have helped me realize that sometimes I can act like a crazy person. And I don't want my new husband to think I'm a crazy person. (Ted on phone) Ted: It's fine, Claudia. Don't worry about it. (Marshall whispers to Ted about cake and makes cake-eating motions) Ted: Oh, um, Marshall wanted to know where you guys got that cake. (Claudia on phone) Claudia: Cake. (Robin looks at Ted) (flashback to Victoria passing bouquet to Robin under bathroom stall door) Victoria: Why don't you take this? Sounds like you could use it. Robin: Thanks. You're very sweet. So, are you a friend of the bride or groom? (back to present scene of Claudia on phone) Claudia: We got it at this little bakery downtown. (flashback to Victoria and Robin talking in bathroom) Victoria: Actually, neither. (back to present scene of Claudia on phone) Claudia: It's called the Buttercup Bakery. (flashback to Ted and Victoria sitting at reception) Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. (flashback to Victoria talking to Robin in bathroom) Victoria: I made the cake. (back to present scene) (Ted hangs up phone) Ted: She made the cake. (back from commercial break) Ted: Buttercup Bakery. She wasn't on the guest list because she wasn't a guest. She made the cake. Marshall: She made that cake. Ted, this is the girl. You gotta marry her, today. She has to move in with us. Ted: I'm going down to that bakery. Lily: No, no, don't do it. Marshall: Baby, what are you talking about?! Ted: Yeah, all day long, you've been busting my apple bag about finding this girl. Lily: Well, I just think that maybe she's not that into you and that's why she didn't give you her number. Robin, care to chime in with anything? Robin: Yes. Ted. Go get her. Ted: Going. Getting. (Ted turns to leave, Barney gets up also) Barney: Ted, oh my gosh, I love this moment. You know why? Because I'm gonna say it and this time you're actually gonna say yes. You ready? You ready to say yes? Ted, suit up! Ted: Yes! No. Barney: Oh come on! (flashback to Ted and Victoria returning to reception hall to find everyone has left) Ted: Whoa. Guess we were gone a while. Victoria: Well, that's too bad. I was looking forward to one last dance. (Ted sees little boom box on table and turns it on, Ted and Victoria begin to dance) Ted: Why yes I am. Sorry, I could tell what you were just thinking. Victoria: Wow, what was I thinking? Ted: Damn, he's looking mighty fine in that tux. Victoria: You got me, you are good. Ted: You know, I don't look like this every day. On a real weekend, the real Ted wears a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt with bleach stains on it. Victoria: The real Ted sounds real sexy. It's too bad I'll never get to see it. (back to present scene) INT. CAB (Ted sitting up front in sweatshirt, Barney, Lily and Marshall sit in back of cab) Lily: Buttercup Bakery. This is it. Marshall: Good luck, dude. Grab me a cupcake. Barney: Ted, you still with us? (flashback to Ted and Victoria dancing, they lean in to kiss but pull away) Ted: Tell me your last name. (Victoria shakes her head) Ted: You know, there's one little flaw in our plan. Victoria: What's that? Ted: I'm gonna go home tonight with a lot of great memories and one really sucky memory: the memory of you walking out that door. (Victoria pulls away from Ted) Victoria: Hey, Ted. Ted: Yeah? Victoria: Close your eyes, and count to five. (Ted closes his eyes) Ted: One, two, three, four, five. (Ted opens his eyes to find Victoria gone) (back to present scene) Ted: And to our dying day, we will remember everything about that night as perfect. Maybe we both need that. So many things go wrong in life, but this is the one thing that never will. It'll always, always be pure, unadulterated awesome. If I walk in there, I'm robbing both of us of what could be... Barney: The meter's running, dude. Crap or get off the pot. Ted: OK. (Ted gets out of cab) INT. BUTTERCUP BAKERY (Ted stands outside bakery looking in to see Victoria icing a cupcake, Ted enters bakery, bell on door tinkles, Victoria turns her head to see Ted standing there) Victoria: Oh thank God. (Victoria rushes towards Ted and they kiss) END	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x13 - Drumroll, Please"}	foreverdreaming
Ted from 2030: When you meet someone special, suddenly life is full of firsts. The first kiss. The first night together. The first weekend together. For me, all those firsts happened within 48 hours of meeting Victoria. The appartment Marshall: They have to come out soon, it's Monday. Lily: Do you think they've been in there the whole time? I don't know whether to be proud or concerned. Marshall: Maybe they're not even in there. (The door of Ted's room opens and Marshall Lily runs away from it) Victoria: Good morning. Ted: Hey, guys. Victoria: I'm just going to ignore that. Marshall: Thank you! Ted: I wish you could stay. Victoria: I know, me, too. But I have to go to work, and you have that meeting. Ted: Call you afterwards? Victoria: I'll inappropriately text you during. Bye. Ted: Bye. Marshall: Two days straight?! Lily: Wow, your room must smell like a monkey cage! Marshall: Come on, give us a number. Lily guessed eight, but I know my boy got to double digits. Ted: Zero. Marshall: What? Lily: What? Ted: Guys, we just met. And we both screwed up relationships in the past by jumping in too quick, so we talked about it, and we decided to take this one slow. Marshall: Her idea. Ted: Totally her idea! But, I don't know, I'm really into this girl, and if going slow is what it takes to make this happen, I say bring it on. [3 weeks later] The Bar Ted: I don't feel so good. t's like my testicles mixed pop rocks and soda. Marshall: I can't believe she's making you wait a whole month. I would never put up with that. Ted: You've only had sex with one girl in your whole life. Lily: Burn! Barney: Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is 17 years, 11 months old. Robin: Good news: I don't have to cover the cat show tomorrow night. Who's up for hanging out? Ted: Oh, I can't, I'm taking Victoria out for dinner. Lily: No, no, we can't, it's our nine-year anniversary. Robin: Wow, nine years? Your relationship's a fourth grader. Congrats. Lily: Thanks. We're going to the Berkshires for the maple syrup harvest. Marshall: It's one of New York Magazine's "Top five romantic getaways on a budget." Who says sexual can't be sensible? Robin: Well, looks like it's going to be just you and me. Barney: Really? Robin: Actually, I was talking to my martini. The appartment Marshall: Ready to go? Lily: Hell, yeah. Nothing better than a weekend at a good bed and breakfast. Marshall: Yeah. Waking up for breakfast at 7:00 A.M....Sharp. Lily: Complimenting the odors and their collection of needle-point geese. Marshall: Awkward conversations with middle-aged couples trying to stave off divorce. Lily: Yeah, well, we'd better get going, it's like a four-hour drive. Marshall: And it's supposed to rain tonight. Lily: Or we could just stay home. Marshall: Maybe watch some TV. Lily: Order in some Chinese. Marshall: Oh, Sichuan Garden! Are we really bailing? Lily: Hell, yeah. Marshall: Good, cause this thing's empty. The Bar Barney: Hundred dollars says when you turn around, I say "wow." Robin: Barney, this is the third time you've ht on me by accident. Barney: It's one of the many risks of the blind approach. It's usually a two-man operation where Ted signals that the target is hot. But Ted's too busy being in a lesbian relationship. Robin: Why don't you just check out the girl's reflection in the bar mirror? Barney: You can't just... Wow! Robin: Hey? What's taking so long? I have to go. Barney: Not so fast, Scherbotsky. I like the way you think. That mirror thing. Simple. Elegant. Okay, limited-time offer: I need a "bro" for my bro-ings on about town. How would you like to be said bro? Robin: Well, as tempting as that sounds, I'm hanging out with my friend who just got dumped. She really needs some support... or a stranger's tongue down her throat. That seems healthy. All right. Guess I'm in. In a cab Victoria: So... one more week and it'll be a month. Ted: Really? Are you sure? Wow, that snuck up on me. Victoria: Oh, come on. Ted: The 18th can't get here fast enough. Victoria: Wait, the 18th? Oh, crap! I can't believe I forgot this... I'm going to be out of town on the 18th! Ted: Oh. Well, um, we can just... wait until you get back. I mean, the whole point was not to rush into this. Victoria: Yeah. Or we could do it tonight. Ted: 75th and Amsterdam. In the bathroom Lily: I'm so glad we decided to just stay home. Marshall: Oh, I know. Can you imagine if we'd gone? We'd be just getting there now, all tired and cranky. Lily: And yet we'd feel obligated to have sex. Marshall: Yeah, for 89 bucks a night, we're doing it. I would like to propose a toast. To the most awesomely mellow anniversary ever. (Ted and Victoria enters the appartment, kissing) Ted: I'm so glad you have to go to your parents' next weekend. Victoria: I'm so glad your roommates are out of town. Lily: Oh, my God, what are they doing home? Marshall: They think we went away. Oh, it is on for my boy, Ted. Lily: But we didn't go away, we're in the bathroom. Marshall: They don't know that. All we have to do is hide out in here until Ted moves his mojo into the bedroom. Lily: But I don't want to hide out in here. Marshall: Honey, Ted has been going out of his mind waiting for this. If we go out there and spoil the mood, it's not going to happen. Then one of us is going to have to have sex with Ted, and... not going to be me. Lily: Okay, fine. I guess I'll actually floss. In a bar Barney: You suited up! Robin: Well, I figured if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this right. Barney: Emilio? The woman will have... Robin: I'll have a Johnny Walker Blue, neat, and a Montecristo No. 2 Thanks. Barney: Ah, the No. 2, a.k.a. "The Torpedo." Or, as the rollers call it, "Piramide." Robin: My father was a cigar fanatic, it was the only way to get his attention. Barney: Father issues. Hot. Robin: I know... I was this close to being a huge slut. Barney: Slut would have been better, but I'll settle for bro. Especially now that Ted's with Victoria and can't drink. Because he's pregnant. Cause he's the girl. Robin: Oh, come on, Ted can't be pregnant. You need to have sex to get pregnant. Barney: What up! Freeze frame high five! The appartment Victoria: I think this may be a perfect moment. I wish we could hold onto it forever. Ted: No. Because the beauty of a moment is that it's fleeting. By its very nature, it... slips through our fingers... making it that much more precious. (In the bathroom, Lily and Marshall are ears dropping...) Lily: Ugh, that is bad. That is, like, high-school-literary-magazine bad. Marshall: And they're not even high. Lily: It's actually working. Marshall: Yeah, smooth but slowly. God, close the deal, already. It's been, like, 45 minutes... we could have had sex three times by now. Lily: Yeah, try five. Marshall: What up! Maybe we should just go out there. Lily: No way! We can't go out there now. They'll know that we've been sitting in the bathroom the whole time. It'll be too weird. Marshall: Fine. But if we're stuck in here... I'm turning up the volume. Shh. Shh. (Marshall opens the door) Victoria: I want to know you. Like, know your soul. Ted, what makes you cry? Lily: Honey, could you hold my hair back, I think I'm going to hurl. In a bar Robin: So. What do you and Ted usually do after the cigar bar? Barney: Are you kidding? Ted's never been here. You've already flown higher and faster than he ever did. Still... Robin: What? Barney: There is one other thing we could do. If you're up for it. At Laser-Tag Robin: Oh, I had no idea laser tag still existed! Barney: Yeah, well, enjoy it before it becomes cool again. I give it two months. Robin: Oh, I believe it... this is awesome! Barney: Okay, follow my lead, stay low, and never underestimate a 12-year-old with a... Scherbotsky, you have to focus! You just saved my life, didn't you? Robin: Thank me later. Let's keep moving. These little bastards are everywhere. The appartment Marshall: He's just staring into her eyes. Lily: I don't know, we used to be even more nauseatingly into each other than Ted and Victoria. Now look at us. Marshall: Yeah... now we just make fun of people like that. It's the circle of life. Lily: No, I'm serious, Marshall. I mean, we couldn't even get it up to go on our big trip. And now we're celebrating our anniversary stuck in a bathroom. Marshall: Well, it's not fair to compare us to Ted and Victoria. This is their first time. Lily: Yeah, but we could still have some more romance. Now, you just say, "Want to do it?" And I say, "Yeah." Marshall: Want to... Lily: No! Maybe we're just out of firsts. Marshall: Looks like they're about to have theirs. Ted: Should we take this to the bedroom? Marshall: Yes! Lily: Yes! Victoria: Yes. Marshall: Yes! Lily: Yes! (Ted's phone starts ringing) Marshall: No. No, don't answer it! Victoria: You can answer it. We have all night. Marshall: You're answering it? He's answering it! Lily: No! Do her! Do her now! Ted: Sure. Good luck with that. (He hangs up) Sorry about that. Victoria: How about a little more wine? Ted: I'll get another bottle. Lily: I need a drink. Do we have any cough syrup in here? Marshall: Shh... At Laser-Tag Robin: Oh, God. These brats have us completely surrounded. I counted nine, maybe ten. I'll lay down some cover fre, you make a run for it. Barney: No. Leave no man behind. Either we all get out of here or no one does. Robin: But I... Barney: Don't be a hero, Scherbotsky. Robin: See you on the other side. Barney: Damn. Want to go get a soft pretzel? Robin: Yeah. Barney: All right. The appartment Lily: Marshall, what happened to us? We used to just stare into each other's eyes all night long. Have we lost that? Marshall: Maybe. But I think I just found it. Right here. Baby, I'm giving you sexy smoldering with just a hint of crazy eyes. Lily: Okay, well, get ready for my sex-ray vision. Did you remember to pick up the dry cleaning? Oh, damn it. Marshall: It's all right. We can do this. Lily: Let's just hold hands. This is nice. Marshall: You love that move. It's a classic Marshall. Lily: All right, we totally suck at this. We really, really need to get out of here. Marshall: Well, we can't. Lily: Baby, there's something I have to do, and if I do it in front of you, it'll change the entire nature of our relationship. Marshall: What is it? Lily: I have to pee. Marshall: This is bad. Lily: Yeah. Marshall: We've gone nine years without peeing in front of each other. You always think there'll be more time. Lily: Look at us. We're basically an old married couple, and we're not even married yet. The flame of our romance is flickering, and if I pee all over it, it might go out forever. Marshall: How much longer do you think you can hold it? Lily: I drank a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew during that Quantum Leap marathon. Marshall: Oh, boy. The Bar Robin: Playing laser tag really takes me back. You know what game I really miss? Battleship. I've never lost a game. Barney: Neither have I. Of course I cheat. Robin: Oh, yeah, me, too. The trick is to bend the aircraft carrier so it makes an L. Barney: Ah. I always just stacked the ships on top of each other. Robin: Nice. You know, we should have a cheaters grudge match. I think I still have a... Hello. Target acquired. Hottie by the jukebox. Barney: Ooh, good eye, Scherbotsky. I got someone for you. Two o'clock, blue shirt. Robin: That's a woman. Barney: Oh, my mistake. Or is it? Robin: Let's just focus on your target. Barney: Right. Robin: Yeah, I got this one. Oh, my God. I love your jeans. Woman: Okay. Is this a lesbian bar? Because that girl with the blue shirt just... Robin: Oh, no. I am all about the dudes. Although pickings are pretty slim tonight. Only hot guy here is blondie in the suit, and he's playing hard to get. Woman: Really? 'Cause he's totally vibing me right now. Must be the jeans. Robin: Well, jeans will only get you so far. I'm going home with him. Woman: We'll see about that. The appartment Lily: Oh, my God, I hate Ted. I hate him so much. Marshall: Baby, why don't you just go? Tons of other couples have peed in front of each other. Lily: No, but we haven't, because I want to keep some of the mystery alive. Marshall: Well, you have farted in front of me. Lily: Yes, but I always cover it with a cough. Marshall: You always do. The Bar Barney: Hey. Robin: Hey. Barney: Let's get out of here. Let's go somewhere else. Robin: What happened? Barney: Eh, you sometimes like to do a little catch and release. Robin: But why? Barney: Leave no man behind. Either we all score or no one scores. Robin: Right on. Hey, you want to go play Battleship? Barney: ht! The appartment Victoria: Ted, I can't wait any longer. Ted: Should we move to the bedroom? Victoria: There's no time for that. Marshall: They can suck on each other's fingers for an hour, but there's no time to take two steps to the bedroom? Lily: Baby, I can't hold it in any longer. It's time. Marshall: I know. Lily: I love you, Marshall. Marshall: I love you, Lily. In front of Robin's appartment You know, Barney, I had a surprisingly good time bro-ing out tonight. Barney: Well, you make a good bro. You're a better Ted than Ted. Hey, in fact, you have just earned yourself an invite to Marshall's bachelor party. And you don't even have to come out of the cake. Robin: Thanks. And, um, thanks for sticking around tonight. I hope you're ready for some hard-core Battleship. Come on, boys. Barney: Hard-core? That's the only way I play. (Barney strips down) Robin: I found it. Are you ready to... What the hell are you doing? Barney: I'm birthday suiting up.vI'm sorry, did you want to undress me? Robin: No! I thought we were just hanging out as friends. Barney: Oh, come on, you have been throwing yourself at me all night. Robin: What?! I did the opposite! I threw some other girl at you. Barney: You invited me up to your apartment to "play Battleship." Is that not an internationally recognized term for sex? Robin: No. Barney: Great. I hope you're happy. You sunk my battleship. The appartment Lily: I'm okay. You okay? Marshall: I feel the same. And yet, strangely different. Lily: I'm happy for my bladder, yet sad for us. Marshall: You had to do it, sweetie... for Ted. And, hey, look, at least now we can stay in here as long as it takes. Lily: Yeah. I guess our relationship had to take a ht so a new one out there could blossom. Oh, crap! Marshall: They must have heard that. Lily: Well, I guess we can come out now. I don't believe it. They're gone. Marshall: Good. 'Cause I got to take a whiz. At Robin's Robin: Okay, you and me, that's insane. If you even thought about it for one second... Barney: But I have thought about it for three seconds, and it makes a lot of sense. We both think the marriage commitment thing's a drag. We both want something casual and fun. And we clearly get along really well. Robin: Wow, that actually did make a lot of sense. But what about Ted? Barney: I checked with Ted. [FLASHBACK] Barney: Ted, so now that things with you and Victoria are going pretty well, I assume you're over all the girls you were into before, right? I take your silence as a yes, so say I were to hook up with someone, say Robin, you'd be cool with that, right? Ted: Sure. Good luck with that. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Totally gave us his blessing. Robin: Really? Barney: Really. Robin: So Ted didn't care that you wanted to make a move on me? Barney: Didn't care at all. Oh. Oh... Robin: What? Barney: You like Ted. Robin: I didn't say I liked Ted. Barney: You like Ted. Wow. This is huge. Robin: Barney, I don't like Ted. He's moved on, and I'm really happy for... Barney: Yeah, yeah. Look, are we gonna play Battleship or what? Robin: You're not gonna tell him, are you? Barney: No. That's the bro code. A bro doesn't tell a mutual bro that a third bro has a crush on him. Just like the third bro doesn't tell the mutual bro that the original bro went bare pickle in front of her. It's quid pro bro. Robin: A-7. Barney: Miss. Robin: Of course. The appartment Marshall: Well, we still have one frontier left. Still got the deuce. Lily: Not making me feel better. Marshall: Well, it certainly was a first. Lily: It was, wasn't it? We still have firsts. Marshall: Of course we do. And you know what, I actually feel closer to you now. I want to know you. Like, know your soul. Lily: Marshall, what makes you cry? Marshall: This moment is fleeting because it's being chased by another moment. Lily: Oh, just grab my boob already. (Ted comes out of his room) Ted: Come on, guys, get a room. [END]	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x14 - Zip, Zip, Zip"}	foreverdreaming
Ted from 2030: Kids, something you might not know about your Uncle Marshall is that he's always been good at games. I mean, unbeatable. Gin! Yahtzee! Poker! Ted: You don't have to shout out "poker" when you win. Marshall: I know. It's just fun to say. Ted from 2030: We all finally agreed Marshall should be running our game nights instead of playing in them. Which he took to mean, "invent your own game." The Bar Marshall: It's called "Marsh-gammon." It combines all the best features of all the best games... Candy Land, I Never, Pictionary. Robin: Backgammon, obviously. Marshall: No. Backgammon sucks. I took the only good part of backgammon, the "gammon," and I left the rest of it in the trash where it belongs. Lily: I'm so excited Victoria's coming. Robin: I'm going to go get another round. Ted: Okay, I want to lay down some ground rules for tonight. Barney, I actually like Victoria... a lot, so don't say anything embarrass... Don't say anything. And guys, I haven't exactly told Victoria that I used to have a kind of thing for Robin, so we you could just avoid the... Barney: Well, well, well. How rich. You make me promise to be on my best behavior around your girlfriend, yet, you have been lying to her since day one. Excuse me.Hi. Leg Warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on. So, nothing for him to stand on? Okay, and thanks so much. Ted, doesn't Victoria deserve to know that you once had the hots for Robin? I have half a mind to tell the story of the re-return. Ted: No. I-I swore you to secrecy on that. Lily: Ooh, I am smelling dirt. What is the story of the re-return? Ted: Nothing. It's nothing. And speaking of digging up dirt, can I count on you two to behave around Victoria? Lily: Us? What would we do? Ted: Look, um, you guys have always been like the parents that I still have and, in fact, moved here to get away from. However, could we skip the traditional interrogation of the new girlfriend tonight? Marshall: Fine. Lily: Fine. Ted: Thank you. Lily: I should go help Robin. Robin: Hey. Lily: Hey. So, are you going to be okay hanging out with Victoria tonight? Robin: Oh, sure. She's great. Oh, what? Because of the whole thing where I said I liked Ted? No. Victoria's great. She's fun, she's free-spirited, she's great. I said, "She's great" too many times, didn't I? Lily: You must really hate the bitch. The appartment Marshall: But if you roll an even number while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest, then you "Marshall out," and all your chips go into the pot, and remember, if you ever ask the question "What?", then... you got to drink. Got it? All: No Marshall: Okay, okay, no, no, we'll just start, you guys'll pick it up. Newbie goes first. Roll. Victoria: Okay. Marshall: Three! You got Autobiography. Now, that's where you have to answer a personal question about your dating life truthfully in order to move on. Ted: Marshall, come on. Marshall: Hey, she's the one who rolled a three. Victoria, "Have you ever cheated while in a relationship?" Wow, good question. Ted: You don't have to answer that. Victoria: It's okay. Um, well, I was in a really crappy relationship in college, and I wound up kissing this guy at a party one night, and I felt terrible about it, so, I came clean, and we broke up. Marshall: Victoria, that was an honest and mature answer. You may advance to The Gumdrop Mountains. Barney: So Victoria, did you ever re-return to this guy? Victoria: What? Marshall: You said what, you got to drink! Lily: Oh, Barney, by the way, I went to a party in that new building on 82nd, and the host said she knew you. What is her name? Sharon? Shannon? Barney: Shannon?! Shannon, Shannon... No, don't remember any Shannon. Lily: Really? Well, 'cause she gave me a videotape to give... Barney: Where's the tape? Lily: Fine. I'll go get it. Barney: Cool, okay. You know, whenever. Marshall: Okay, Robin, your roll. Five! Another Autobiography... for the player to your left, which... Victoria! Ted: Of course. Marshall: Victoria, "How many boyfriends did you have before you started dating Ted?" Ted: Wait, the card actually says "Ted?" Victoria: Okay, uh, well, boyfriends--I guess I've only had... two. Robin: Prude alert. Victoria: Well... that's serious boyfriends. I've dated other guys in between. Robin: Oh, slut alert! Barney: Oh, great, there it is. Thanks, Lily. You're a peach. Oh, wow, look at that. Robin landed on the Chocolate Swamp. That's five chips for me. Marshall: Thank you! Finally somebody understands Marsh-gammon. Lily: Barney, what was on that tape? Barney: Too bad you'll never find out. Lily: Oh, damn it! If only I'd given you a fake tape and hidden the real tape in my purse. Oh, wait. That's exactly what I did. Barney: What?! Marshall: Drink! Lily: Yeah, you were acting so weird about it, I gave you Ted's graduation tape instead. So, should we pop it in? Barney: Give it to me, give it, give me... Ted: Play the tape, play it, play it! Barney: Ted! Fine, fine. You cannot play it. Shannon! I love you! I love you so much. What about us changing the world together? Don't tell me you've forgotten. I know I haven't. Will I ever see another rainbow? Will an eagle ever soar through this tempest of woe? Baby, please Don't go There's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love There's a thief in the palace and she's... (Barney stands up and leave the appartment) The Bar Marshall: Did you try his cell phone? Ted: Yeah, I left two messages. I checked the cigar club, the Lusty Leopard. He's off the grid. (Barney arrives) Barney: Hey, guys, what up? Robin: Barney, where have you been? Ted: Yeah, we're-we're really sorry about that. Lily: Yeah, so sorry. But seriously, what was up with the tape? No, no, stay. All: Come on. Stay! Barney: I'm sorry. I don't want to talk about it. It was the most embarrassing, and humiliating thing that ever happened to me. Marshall: Well, we all have embarrassing stories. Sometimes it's good to-to talk about it. Barney: Oh, really? Then why don't you tell us your most humiliating moment, Marshall? Show me how good it is. Marshall: All right. [FLASHBACK] Marshall: I was stopping by Lily's kindergarten class to say hi, but they were all at recess. I really had to pee, so I went into the class's restroom. It was a-a smaller target than I'm used to, so I figured I should sit down. What I didn't realize was, it was a shared bathroom. I wish I'd pulled up my pants. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: The kids still call him Funny Butt. Barney: Okay. I'll tell you my story. Believe it or not, I was not always as awesome as I am today. [FLASHBACK] Barney: It was 1998. I was just out of college, and I was working at a coffeehouse with my girlfriend. My girlfriend... Shannon. Yeah, you were meant for me And I was meant for you. Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh. Thank you. All right. Shannon: I love your singing, Barney. Barney: And I love you, Shannon. Shannon: Joining the Peace Corps with you is gonna be legendary. Barney: I know. Only five short weeks till we're down in Nicaragua. Man: Hey, nonfat latte to go. Barney: Mellow order, bro, mellow order. Man: Dude, that your g-friend? All right, high five! Barney: Sorry, I only give high twos. Man: Whatevs. As long as you're nailing that. Barney: Listen to you. That? You know, women aren't objects. They're human beings. And FYI, Shannon and I have decided to wait till we're married. You can read about it in my zine. Man: Hey, haircut, right here. Open up your knowledge basket, 'cause here it comes. Forget that touchy-feely crap. You get money, you get laid. End of discussion. Barney: I feel sorry for you, man. Man: Peace out, hombre. Barney: Suits. Five weeks later, we were all set to leave for the Peace Corps. Only problem was... she never showed up. [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: She never showed? Ted: So, what happened next? Barney: You know what? This was a mistake. Lily: Wait... What if somebody else told their most humiliating story? Marshall: Oh, I know just how to decide who. Lily: You brought the game to the bar? Marshall: Well, we're not quitting just 'cause Ted's so far ahead. Ted: I was winning? Robin: Fine. I'll go next. [FLASHBACK] Robin: I was doing a report on live TV about a hansom cab driver. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Not the slipping-in-horse-poop story! Ted: Yeah, we all know that one. Victoria: Okay, how about this? I will tell you my most humiliating story. Marshall: Yeah, Victoria, way to step up! Victoria: Okay, it involves a game of truth or dare, a squeeze-bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparents' retirement community. Ted from 2030: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, though, it wasn't that great. Marshall: That is the greatest story ever! Lily: Oh my God! Ted: Wow, wow! Barney: Victoria, I deem your offering... worthy. My saga... continues. [FLASHBACK] Barney: I went back to the coffeehouse to find Shannon. Shannon: Barney. Barney: Sugar Bear, where were you? Shannon: Oh, I'm sorry. My dad won't let me go. Barney: But the Nicaraguans need us! Shannon: It's just, he's still supporting me, and... Look, he's coming by soon to talk about it, but I think you should go on without me. Barney: Shannon, there is no... Shannon: Barney, it's your dream. It's only two years. I know we can make it. Barney: As I walked away, I realized Shannon was an adult. Her father couldn't control her life. I had to go back and confront him. She was in the middle of a heated argument with her dad. [END OF FLASHBACK] What?! Marshall: Now we all got to drink. (They all drink, except Barney) Ted: Oh, my God. What happened next? Barney: I don't know, guys. Lily: Okay, okay. Marshall's mom sent us cookies... Marshall: Lily, no! Lily: For the team, Marshall, for the team. [FLASHBACK] (Lily's on the phone) Lily: Hey, Mrs. Eriksen, it's Lily. Thank you so much for the delicious cookies. Mayonnaise. Really? Never would have guessed. Well, I will definitely give Marshall a kiss for you. Okay. Take care. Marshall: Oh, crap. My mom sent cookies? Lily: Yeah. I wish we had a dog, so they wouldn't go to waste. Marshall: So we've got the whole place to ourselves. Lily: I'm thinking floor sex. Marshall: Sounds reasonable. Lily: Ooh, floor's cold. Grab that afghan your mom made. (Marshall's mom was stil on the phone...) [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: The whole time? Lily: The... whole... time. Marshall: Barney, that was really embarrassing for both of us. We just earned a huge chunk of story. Barney: Right. So where was I? Oh, yeah. Shannon was sucking face with her dad. [FLASHBACK] Barney: How can... With your dad? I mean, I know judge not lest ye be judged, but gross! Shannon: Barney, that's not my dad. His name's Greg. I've been seeing him for a few weeks. I was hoping you'd just leave, and we could avoid all this. Barney: We're breaking up? But what about the Peace Corps? Shannon: Yeah, all this granola business, it was just a phase. Greg's older. He's successful. He buys me all this cool stuff. Barney: But I love you. Shannon: But he has a boat. You should go to the Peace Corps and forget about me. Barney: I didn't go. That night, I recorded my video and mailed it to Shannon. I didn't see her until a week later. There's sugar in the basket. Shannon! Shannon, you came back! Shannon: I'm just picking up my last paycheck. Barney: Oh. Did you... did you get my tape? Man: Oh, she got the tape. Barney: You? It was you? Man: Will I ever see another rainbow Oh, man. (Barney leaves the coffee shop, crying. A man gives him a flyer on which you can read "Suit up". He grabs his hair and cut them short. He then shaves and put on a suit) [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Oh, you poor thing. Barney: The story's not over. I did see Shannon one more time. Robin: When? Marshall: Sorry. Lily: You've got to tell us. Barney: I don't know, I think I might need one last story to get me through it. Ted: Fine. Um... oh! The green testicle story. So I was playing ultimate frisbee in college and there was this barefoot dude with weirdly sharp toenails... Barney: Oh, come on, Ted! You know what story I want to hear. Everyone else here has manned up tonight and told the truth. Why can't you? Ted: You're right. Victoria, I'm sorry I haven't told you this yet, but a while back, I was kind of into Robin. In fact, on our first date, I might have said, "I love you." Understandably, she freaked out and I left. But unfortunately, the night did not end there. [FLASHBACK] Ted: We all ended up at the bar with our cab driver Ranjit. Ranjit: To one hell of a night! Ted: And I drank... a lot. So you guys think I should have kissed her? Well, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna go kiss her right... now. Barney: Yes! Do it! Ranjit: To the cab. (Ted arrives in front of Robin's door, he throws up on her doormat) Robin: Hello? Is someone out there? ( Ted, Barney et Ranjit run out. Robin opens her door, et sees her doormat...) [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: You ralphed and ran? Marshall: I thought you were vomit-free since '93. So that was a lie? Robin: You re-returned for me. That's really sweet. Though you kind of ruined my customized Scherbotsky doormat. Ted: Sorry. Robin: It's okay. Ted: Victoria, I know this must be... Victoria: Yeah. It kind of is. Barney: Wow, Ted, you were right. You shouldn't have told that story. But you did earn yourself the right to the end of mine. We fast-forward eight years into the future. Marshall: Wait, eight years, that's, that's this year. Barney: Marshall, not only is it this year, it's tonight. [FLASHBACK] Barney: Hi. Shannon: Barney? Barney: Hi, Shannon. Shannon: What are you doing here? Barney: Just listen. When you left me for that guy Greg, it changed me. Now I'm this. I-I know this is crazy. It's just, you were once such a big part of my life. And it just seemed insane that you didn't know who I am now. So here I am. And then she told me about her life. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: She and Greg dated for a while and then split up. But here's the real kicker: Shannon's a mom. She has a little kid named Max. That's crazy. That could have been my kid. But instead, what do I have? My whole life's some money in the bank, some suits in my closet and a string of one-night stands. Lily: Hey. Come on. I mean, just because her life went one way and yours went another, it doesn't make your life any worse. Barney: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex. These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in some tiny apartment changing some brat's poopy diapers. But instead, I'm out in the world being awesome 24-7, 365! You let me dodge a b*llet, Big Guy. Plus, here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life. After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her. Lily: Nope. Barney: Yeah. Lily: Nope. Barney: Yeah. Lily: Sorry. Don't buy it. You're making it up. You're just trying to cover the fact that you actually had a profound moment of doubt about yourself and... Oh, my God. Shannon: Oh, Barney! Barney: Video's pretty good on this phone, huh? Shannon: Is your phone on? Barney: Oh, no. It just takes a while to power down. Lily: Ew, gross. Just stop it. Barney: Ladies, gentlemen... Ted. This has been a wonderful evening. I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell the re-return. I finally nailed Shannon! Told her I'd call her tomorrow. Yeah, right. And I rediscovered just how awesomely awesome my life is. Peace out, hombres! (Barney leaves the bar) Marshall: I think Barney just won game night. Ted from 2030: We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden even from our closest friends. But those rare times when we do open up, it's amazing how minor those secrets all end up seeming. Of course, not every secret was told that night. But that's getting ahead of the story. [END]	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x15 - Game Night"}	foreverdreaming
Ted's kitchen Ted from 2030: Kids, when it comes to love, the best relationships are the ones that just come naturally. Ted: My first solo batch. Victoria: Um, I think those need to stay in the oven a while longer. Here's a professional tip. If it's still runny, it's not a cupcake. It's a beverage. Ted from 2030: Yeah, well, things with Victoria were fun, and easy, and uncomplicated. It was pretty great. (Barney arrives, while Marshall is coloring his butt) Barney: Um, are you coloring in your butt? Marshall: I have a big interview coming up, and my suit has holes in it. I can't sew, I don't own Navy boxers, so, yeah, I'm coloring in my butt. Barney: So wear another one. Marshall: I don't have another one. I'm flat broke. My only other suit options are track or birthday. Barney: Dude, you show up to an interview in that, even the hippie lawyers from Granola Mountain Earth Pals will hackey sack you straight out the door. Marshall: Okay, it's the National Resource Defense Council, and it's my dream job. Except it's only an internship, and I won't be getting paid. Mostly getting people coffee. But the people I'm getting coffee for... their bosses are going to save the world. Barney: Okay, tomorrow... oh, and I should mention this is going to rock your world-- tomorrow I'm taking you to my personal tailor. Marshall: A tailor? Barney, I make negative $300 a week, and I need every negative penny of that for my wedding. Barney: Relax, my guy does everything for one third the cost. And there is no way you're getting married in that sarcastic-quotation-marks "suit." Tomorrow, noon, my tailor. Marshall: No thanks, dude. (Barney grabs Marshall's pants and tears them apart) Noon? Barney: Noon. See you then. The Bar Victoria: Hey, girls. Robin and Lily: Hey. Victoria: Hey. I'm on my way to meet Ted. It's our two monthiversary, so we're going out to dinner. Robin: Great! Well, that answers all the questions I didn't ask. Lily: Robin! Robin: Oh, come on. We bust on each other. We're just at that place in our strong friendship. Victoria: Really? Oh. Robin: Get off me. Oh, see? I did it again. Victoria: What are you guys up to? Oh, dress shopping. You know, I make wedding cakes for a lot of fancy bridal shops. If you want, I could take you shopping, maybe get you a discount. Lily: Really? That'd be great. Victoria: Yeah. Huh. I should take this. Hello. Robin: Hey, I thought it was going to be just us tomorrow. What's with inviting Punky Brewster? Lily: Robin, you've got to get over this Ted and Victoria thing. You had your chance, and now he's moved on. Can't you just be happy for them? Robin: The best I can give you is a fake smile and dad eyes. Lily: Sold. Victoria, what's wrong? Victoria: I've just been offered a fellowship at a culinary institute in Germany. The Bar Ted: Wait. Germany, Europe? Victoria: It's for two years. I figured I didn't have much of a chance, 'cause they don't let many Americans in, but... I'm in. Ted: So, this is the Europe Germany? Victoria: What other Germany would it be? Ted: The one in Epcot? Victoria: Ted. Ted: Sorry. Congratulations. Victoria: Thank you. I don't know if I'm going to go. Ted: Mm-hmm. And if you do, what does that mean for us? Victoria: I don't know. I just... I don't think that long distance really works for anyone. Ted: Oh, God, no. Long-distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college. Victoria: So, that leaves us with... Ted: Either you stay here, or we break up. Wow. Um, look, let's just see how things progress, and if by September, we still feel... Victoria: I have to leave on Monday. Ted: Monday, September the...? Victoria: Ted. Do you have any thoughts? Ted: Maybe we should each take some time to think about what we want. We'll meet up tomorrow to discuss it. Victoria: It's a date. Ted from 2030: And that's when things got complicated. Marshall is At Barney's tailor / Lily is shopping for her wedding dress with Victoria and Robin Marshall: Hey, baby, how's the dress place? Lily: Everything's so fluffy and white. It's like shopping in a marshmallow. How's Barney's tailor? Marshall: Um, everything here is dark and sketchy and seems illegal. It's like shopping in Barney's mind. Lily: Well, good luck, baby. Marshall: Bye. Hey, Barney, I'm not sure about this. A tailor in the back room of a pet store? Barney: Look, do you want a quality suit and a free rabbit or not? Ted, Sergei says stop moping around. You're distracting him from his process. Marshall: You speak Ukrainian? Ted: Guys, I'm kind of screwed here. I don't want to lose Victoria, but I can't ask her to stay just for me. And long distance definitely isn't an option. Marshall: No. No, no, no. No way. You know who likes long distance? Girls. It's all talking and no sex. kll me now. Barney: Don't knock long-distance relationships. I really think they can work. Ted: Really? You? Barney: Absolutely. I'm juggling four right now. There's Lisa in Madrid, there's Erica in Tokyo, there's Laura in Denmark, and Kelly on 34th Street. The lass thinks I'm a humble sheep shearer from Killarney. Marshall: Ted, do you remember in college when Lily did that summer art program in Paris? Ted: Yeah. Marshall: Well, she kept talking about this cheesy French guy, Gabriel. So, I went out to visit, and there was this party. And who shows up but Gabriel. And he's got this weak-ass, thin French moustache. I'm not much of a fighter, but I knew I could take this weird little dude. So, I took him aside, and I got all creepy quiet, I got the crazy eyes going, and I said, "You stay away from Lily, or I swear to God I'll eat that moustache right off of your ugly French face." Yeah. Yeah, he literally ran away. I think he was crying. I never told Lily about it. To be honest, I'm not very proud of it. To be even more honest, I am. Ted: Um, other than confirming a lot of European stereotypes about Americans, did that little story have a point? Marshall: Yeah, the point is that even though Lily is my soul mate, long distance still almost klled us. If you think that there's any chance that Victoria is your soul mate, you should ask her to stay. Ted: Well, I don't know if she is. It's still so early, but yeah, she could be. Marshall: Oh, please. You barely know this girl. What's her favorite color? Is she a cat person or a dog person? Is she open to a three-way? Ted, I do more research than this before buying a cell phone. FYI, yes, I have three-way calling. Ted: Look, she can't be a cat person. I'm a dog person, I'm attracted to other dog people. Barney: Are you sure? Ted: All right. (He calls Victoria) Victoria: Hello. Ted: Hey, random question. How do you feel about cats? Victoria: Cats. Hated the musical, love the animal. Ted: Good to know. Um, okay. Good-bye. (He hungs up) She's a cat person. I don't know this girl at all. Barney: Oh, excellent. We'll take this one. Marshall: Whoa. Hey, hey, it's my suit. Shouldn't I be the one to choose? Barney: Here. Play with this pin cushion. Marshall: God. I'm going to look hot. Barney: Marshall, I can't let you waste a suit this nice fighting a losing battle for our planet's survival. This is a suit for winners. I am getting you an interview at my office. We need good men like you in our legal department. We get sued a lot. Marshall: No way. The Kid does not sell out. Barney: Oh, come on, dude! Three months working with me, you'll make more than Lily makes in a year. Marshall: No. I've made my decision. Ted: So have I. If I ask this girl to give up her dreams for me, and two weeks later, it's not working out, I'm, like, the biggest jerk of all time. It's just too much pressure on a new relationship. I'm going to tell her to go. In a restaurant Ted from 2030: And so I met her that night to tell her my decision. Victoria: All right, I've been thinking a lot about this... Okay, wait, before you say anything, I wanted to give you this. This is what happens when you, you know, let them finish baking. Ted: I want you to stay. At the Tailor / At the wedding shop Marshall: Everything here is dark and sketchy and seems illegal. It's like shopping in Barney's mind. Lily: Oh, good luck, baby. Marshall: Bye. Woman: Now, what sort of dress did you have in mind, dear? Lily: Nothing too huge or-or poofy. I'm not really a girlie girl. But I would like to look like a beautiful princess. Robin: I saw a couple up front that were nice. By the window? No offense, dear, but those are a little out of your price range. Lily: Where does she get off? She doesn't know how much money I make. Victoria: Oh, these women are experts. They can guess your net annual income just by looking at your underwear. Lily: Damn you Old Navy and your reasonably-priced three-packs! Victoria: At least we get free champagne! Robin: And cake. Victoria: Mm-hmm. Robin: Speaking of which, Victoria, have you decided what to do about your doughnut fellowship? Victoria: You know, I don't know. I mean, I want to go, but I don't want to lose Ted. I even thought about long distance, as if that ever works. Lily: Ugh. All talking and no sex. kll me now. Victoria: I know it sounds lame, but I actually think that Ted might be The One. That's pretty hard to walk away from. Robin: Well, I don't know. I'd feel a little Stepford turning down a huge opportunity to chase some guy I'd only known two months. Victoria: But this isn't just some guy. This is Ted. He's amazing. He's the best guy I know. Robin: Yeah, in America, but German guys? Whew! I would let them bread my schnitzel any day, if you know what I mean. Victoria: I really don't... Robin: Sex. Oh, excuse me, ma'am. This bastard's kicked. Woman: Thanks. Victoria and Robin: Oh! Lily: It's okay, guys, I hate it. Victoria: Just horrible. Robin: It's bad, it's really bad. Short in front, long in the back? That is the mullet of wedding dresses. Lily: You know, Victoria, Marshall and I did long distance once. In college, I did an art course in Paris. I was the only American there. It was really lonely. I only had one friend, Gabrielle. She was kind of homely and strange-looking, and she was really self-conscious about this little moustache she had. Anyway, halfway through the semester, she just stopped talking to me, and I never figured out why. And then I had nobody. The only thing that got me through was knowing that my soul mate was back at home waiting for me. If Ted's your soul mate, then it may be worth it to hang onto him. Victoria: But how am I supposed to know if we're soul mates? It's too soon. Ooh. Speak of the devil. Hello. Ted: Hey, random question: how do you feel cats? Victoria: Cats. Hated the musical, love the animal. Robin: A cat person. Why am I not surprised? Victoria: Bye. Why does Ted want to know if I like cats? Lily: Maybe he's going to buy you one. Victoria: I did hear barking in the background. Maybe he was in a pet store. Does he want us to get a cat together? Robin: Maybe he's using an adorable kitty to guilt you into staying. Victoria: That is low. Do you really think that's what he's doing? Robin: Oh, I wouldn't even wait to find out. I would be on the next plane to Germany. Victoria and Robin: Aw. Lily: Oh, God, you guys are sucky liars. Robin: Ugly, ugly, ugly. Victoria: I don't know what to say. You know what? We're doing this all wrong. I am going to get you one of those front window dresses, just for fun. Lily: Are you okay? Robin: I'm fine. Lily: Okay. Just kind of seemed like you're trying to hustle Victoria out of the country. Robin: I'm not, I'm just trying to support her. She got a super-important dessert scholarship. Lily: Stop being sarcastic. It is a super-important dessert scholarship. Wow, that's hard to say without sounding sarcastic. Look... I know you're not Victoria's biggest fan, but she seems to make Ted happy. So think about that before you use your miles to buy her a plane ticket. Victoria: Somebody say "beautiful princess." Lily: Oh, my gosh, it's perfect! Oh! This dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night. Victoria: Oh, look how happy she is. You know, I've always thought of myself as one of those independent women who would never let any guy mess with my career. And now I'm actually thinking about it. I feel guilty, like it's un-feminist or something. Robin: I know what you mean. Victoria: You do? Lily: Well, I'm always putting my career ahead of my relationships, and... to be honest, there's a lot of lonely nights in that job description. Victoria: See, that's what I'm afraid of. Robin: Choosing Ted over your career doesn't make you un-feminist. Maybe it just means that you guys would be happy together. Victoria: Robin... I think that you are the coolest. I'm so glad that we're friends. Robin: Oh, no way... you're the coolest. Victoria: No, you are. Robin: Okay, I am. Victoria: I'm going to stay. Victoria and Robin: Aw. Lily: Oh, I am so beautiful! Oh, don't tell me how much it costs. Just snap my neck now, so I can die this pretty. Robin: Wow, you look incredible. Lily: Oh. Okay, okay, how much is it, on a scale of never to never ever? Robin: Never ever, ever, ever, ever... times infinity. Lily: Well, it's okay. You know, what makes a bride beautiful is that she's just happy to be getting married. (She sits on the cake, without noticing it) Oh, guys, I know I look amazing, but the important thing is that Marshall and I love each other, right? Robin: Yes, you're right. But also... you just sat down in the cake. Victoria: But, you know what? It's going to come out because it's only... chocolate and raspberry. Robin: Okay. Come on, get up, let us see how bad it is. (Lily stands up and tears the dress apart, the woman arrives at the same time) Lily: It was like this when I found it? Woman: And how will you be paying for this? Lily: Credit card... s. In a restaurant Victoria: I wanted to give you... this. This is what happens when you... you know, let them finish baking. Ted: I want you to stay. Victoria: I have to go to Germany. Ted: You're going? Victoria: Yes. I have to. Ted: So that's what you decided? Victoria: Well, no... I mean, I actually came here tonight leaning toward staying, but when you just told me to stay, it made me realize that I have to go. Ted: What is this, opposite day or something? Victoria: No. Ted: So it is? Victoria: Ted, we've only been dating for two months. I can't let you make this decision for me. Ted: I was totally going to tell you to go, but then you gave me this cupcake, and it reminded me how great you are. Victoria: Well, is there any chance that you would move to Germany with me? Ted: Well, that's just crazy. Victoria: Oh, okay. So it's fine for me to make sacrifices for you, but for you it's crazy. Ted: But you have a job here and a life; I'd have nothing there. Victoria: You'd have me. Ted: We've only been dating two months. Oh, it's not fair. It's not fair that we have to break up. I hate this. Victoria: So... we're breaking up? Ted: I guess so. I guess so. At the appartment Marshall: God, that sucks, man. I'm so sorry. Ted: It was just too much pressure too soon. I mean, maybe it was silly to even think... Yes, Marshall, I see your new suit, and it's awesome. Marshall: Well, thank you for acknowledging it. It was weird that you hadn't. Look, I understand that you guys had to break up eventually, but why today? Ted: She's leaving tomorrow. Marshall: Yeah, but she's still in town. Ted: Yeah, she... she's still in town. Marshall: Yeah, so you spend one more amazing day together. Ted, think about it this way: if you knew that you were going to lose your leg tomorrow, would you sit on the couch and cry about it, or would you run, and jump, and do some awesome air kicks while you still could? Ted: Awesome air kicks, huh? Marshall: New pajama bottoms? Ted: You know it. The Bar Ted: So we can sit around and cry, or we can run, and do awesome air kicks before our leg gets chopped off. Victoria: Wait, so we're sharing the leg? Ted: No, the leg is a metaphor. Victoria: How could the leg be well enough to do awesome air kicks one day, and yet still so sick it needs to be chopped off the next? I don't know, Ted. Ted: Come on, we've had a good run. Why end on a fight? Victoria: Well, what would you want to do? Ted: Let's do all the stuff we talked about doing and never got around to. Victoria: Like go to the Mets. Ted: Yeah, we'll walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. Victoria: See some monkeys at the zoo? Ted: Go to that French-Vietnamese place we keep passing and say we want to try? Victoria: Wow! We better get going. Ted: Yeah, big day. Victoria: Yeah. Ted from 2030: And, kids, that's exactly what we did with our last day. The museum, the bridge, the restaurant, and all of those nice things. The Bar Robin: Lily, you have to tell him. That dress cost a fortune. Lily: No, I'm just gonna wait for the next time Marshall really screws up, and then, I'll just slip this in, and it won't seem so bad by comparison. Robin: Well, here's hoping he cheats on you. Lily: Yeah, but only, like, second base. Barney: Look at us: two guys in suits. You feel that slight tingle? That's every girl in the bar wanting you, and every guy wanting to be you. Actually, it's mostly me, but you're getting some of the splash. Marshall: Hey, babe. Dollar beer night, so I splurged and got us each our own. Barney: So, have you thought more about coming to work for Barney Corp? Marshall: Oh, please... your company is not called Barney Corp. Barney: Yet. Oh, I almost forgot. Sergei sent me your bill. Marshall: B... Barney, this says $4,000. I thought you said that it was one-third price. Barney: Yeah, must be a $12,000 suit. Oh, well, guess you'll have to come work at my company. Marshall: You set this up! You set this whole thing up! Barney: I most certainly did... Marshall: Well, it won't work. Even if I have to get two extra night jobs, I'll pay your precious tailor. I'm not selling my soul. Baby, I know that this will make things harder, but I will make it work, I promise. Lily: I destroyed an $8,000 wedding dress. Marshall: What time is the interview? Barney: 9:00 a.m., and you'll need new shoes. Don't worry, I know a guy. At the airport Victoria: I'm glad we got to spent the day doing awesome air kicks. Ted: Yeah, I was almost too tired for all the sex. Victoria: I'm going to miss you so much. Ted: I'm going to miss you, too. Victoria: Hey, you know, I mean, if, when I get back, we're still single, we can... Ted: Even if we're not. Victoria: Okay. Ted: Look, I know it never works for anyone, but... do you want to try long distance? Victoria: Yes. Yes! Ted: We can b*at the odds. Victoria: Odds, schmodds. Ted: It's gonna work. We're going to make it work-- it'll work. Ted from 2030: It didn't work. Long-distance was and is a terrible idea, a really terrible idea, just awful. But more on that later. [END]	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x16 - Cupcake"}	foreverdreaming
(In 1988, a little boy is reading a book) Ted from 2030: When your Uncle Marshall was ten years old, he read a book called Life Among the Gorillas. It was written by an anthropologist named Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez, it told the story of the year she spent living among the Western Lowland Gorillas of Cameroon. When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez came to the local community college to give a lecture, Marshall, the youngest member of the audience, raised his hand with a question. Marshall: What advice do you have for a budding anthropologist? Dr. Birnholz: So you want to be an anthropologist? Marshall: Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live with the gorillas, just like you did. Ted from 2030: What she said next changed his life. Dr. Birnholz: Oh, that's wonderful, but I'm afraid you can't. They'll all be dad by then... [in 2006] Marshall:...and if economic sanctions and trade restrictions aren't enforced, the destruction of the rainforests will continue and over a million species will be wiped out. Ted: So you don't want coffee. Marshall: I'm saying that the coffee industry is causing irreversible... Ted: All right. I'm pouring it out. Marshall: Okay, one cup. The kid needs to be alert. First day on the job and everything. Ted: I still can't believe you're going all corporate on us. "The kid" has become "the man." Marshall: Okay, it's just an internship to make a little money. After law school, I'm going to work for the NRDC. They're gonna stop global warming. Ted from 2030: Well... I mean... they did their best. Lily: Here's your sack lunch. Marshall: Okay, I love you because, one, you made me a sack lunch and two, you laugh every time you say the word "sack". Lily: I love you, Marshmallow. Marshall: I love you. Ted: I love you too, Marshmallow. Marshall: Uh-oh. Ted? Ted: Oh, no. No, she didn't. Marshall: Yeah. Yeah, she did. Ted: Another care package? Ted from 2030: Another care package. I'd been in a long-distance relationship with Victoria for nearly a month. Long-distance relationships are a bad idea. Marshall: How many is that so far? Ted: Three. Lily: And how many have you sent her? Ted: In the mail or in my mind? Zero. She's up three-zip. Oh! Cupcakes! Great. I bet they're delicious, too. Yup, they're delicious. Damn it! I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes. God, I hate myself right now. Marshall: God, that is so me at 15. Ted from 2030: Marshall was going to work for a big corporation called Altrucel. Altrucel was most well-known for making the yellow fuzzy stuff on the surface of tennis balls. I mean, this was a huge company, so they did other things... But mostly they wanted the public to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff. Anyway, Marshall managed to score an internship in their legal department because he knew someone who worked there. Barney's office (Barney's on the phone) Barney: Go for Barney. Voice: Mr. Stinson, this is Willis from lobby security. Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports of a sasquatch loose in the building. Barney: A sasquatch? Voice: That's right, sir, a Bigfoot. We don't want to alarm you, but he's been spotted on your floor. Barney: Yes! Look at you. You suited in an unmistakably upward direction. Marshall: Whoa. That is a butt-load of motivational posters. Barney: Yeah, hell, yeah. I got 'em all: Teamwork, Courage, Awesomeness... Marshall: There's one for awesomeness? Barney: Yeah, I had it made. Sit. Marshall: Hey, so, now that I'm working here, are you finally going to tell me exactly what your job is? Barney: Please. Man #1: My dawg! Man #2: My dawg! Barney: Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall. These guys are in legal. You're gonna be working with them. Marshall: Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you. Bilson: Nice tie. Steak sauce. Blauman: Oh, steak sauce! For true, though. Marshall: Where, I don't, I don't see... Barney: Marshall? Sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1. A-1? Get it? Try to keep up. Bilson: Okay, Eriksen, let's get to work. It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside. Ding dong! What? The doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trench coat and nothing else. But wait-- knock, knock. Somebody's at the back door? Marshall: I don't have a back door. Bilson: Oh, my gosh, Jessica Simpson? What a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one. What do you do? Go. Marshall: Right. Well, uh... I'm engaged, so-- Bilson: Fiancee's out of town. What do you do? Go. Marshall: We're still engaged, even if she's... Bilson: Okay, fiancee's dad. ht by a bus. What do you do? Go. The Bar Ted: Sure you don't want one? Robin: How many of those have you eaten? Ted: Four. Teen. No, just four. And the icing from two more. So, anyway, here's the problem. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep. Anyway, I got the care package, and it's just great. Here, listen... Mmm. Mmm! [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: So I'm standing there, my mouth full of this delicious relationship-winning cupcake... And... I said something dumb. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Oh, and, um... don't worry, yours is in the mail. I sent it a couple days ago. And it's awesome. Really, really awesome. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Why did I say that? I think frosting makes me lie. Robin: Oh, Teddy boy. Ted: Yeah. So now, whatever I send her, she'll know I sent it after I talked to her. So that's the problem. You work on that. I'm gonna eat this cupcake. Robin: All right, here's what you do: Put together a care package of stuff from New York-- some H&H bagels, an Empire State Building keychain... and then, top off the package with a New York Times... Ready? From three days ago. Ted: That's brilliant. You're brilliant. You know, it's funny, not so long ago, I was coming to Marshall and Lily for advice on how to impress you. Robin: That is funny. Ted from 2030: And here's why it was funny. [FLASHBACK] Ted from 2030: Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier, here's what Robin was saying to Lily about me. Robin: Okay, fine, I have feelings for him. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Now it's ironic, the girl I used to like is helping me impress the girl I now like. Robin: The irony is clear, Ted. The appartment Lily: Hey! How was your first day? Marshall: I don't wanna talk about it. The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks. Lily: What? Marshall: They're jerks! Lily: What makes them jerks? Marshall: Forget it, I don't want to talk about it. Well, like today at lunch.. [FLASHBACK] Bilson: What do you got there, Ericksen? Mommy pack your lunch? Marshall: For your information, my fiancee did. Blauman: Oh... Does she cut the crusts off your sandwich, too? Marshall: No. Blauman: What's that? Marshall: Nothing. Give it. Bilson: "Dear Marshmallow. Good luck today. I love you. Lilypad." Marshall: Give it. Bilson: P.S. If you've unfolded this note, your kiss already got out. Quick-- catch it." Marshall: Give it back. Hey, give it. Gimme... Give it! [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Oh, screw those guys! We're adorable. Marshall: I know. God. It's like freshman year all over again. Only this time, my sweet dance moves aren't going to be enough to win them over. Not even Old Reliable. Lily: Sweetie... It would be cool to have some extra money, but, but, if you're unhappy, it's not worth it. The Bar Marshall: I quit. Barney: What? No. We're having so much fun. You, me, working together. It's great. Marshall: We're not even working together, Barney. I'm in the legal department and you're... Seriously, what is it that you do? Barney: Please. Marshall: I'm sorry, dude, this corporate thing, it's just... it's not for me. Barney: Oh, of course it's not for you. It's for Lily. Marshall: What? Barney: Marshall. Lily's a catch. But do you really think you're going to hang onto a girl that great without the package? Marshall: The package? Barney: The package. The house. The car. Sending your kids to a great school. A vacation once in a while. Marshall: Lily doesn't care about that stuff. Barney: Well, no-- now she doesn't, but how's she going to feel in a couple years, when she's supporting you on a kindergarten teacher's salary while you're off in court defending some... endangered... South American... flying beaver. Marshall: She'll be happy. Barney: Okay. But will you be happy knowing you could have made her a lot happier. At Marshall's work Bilson: And all four are totally naked. You gotta choose one. What do you do? Go. Marshall: I guess, uh... Bea Arthur. Bilson: Ahh! Wrong! Betty White. Clean this stuff up, Eriksen. The Bar Robin: So, did she get the awesome care package yet? Ted: Yep. Yesterday. Robin: Did she love it? Ted: Ooh, she loved it. Robin: So what's the problem? Ted: So I was talking to her last night. And, I should tell you, we've been talking on the phone every other night for, like, an hour and a half. Eventually you just run out of stuff to say. [FLASHBACK] Ted: What did you have for lunch today? Oh. Rye bread. Yeah. [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Oh, Teddy boy. Ted: I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend, but this never-seeing-each-other thing, it's a bitch. Maybe it just can't be do. I think it's clear what I have to do. Robin: It's pretty clear. Ted: I have to go to Germany and surprise her. Robin: Totally what I was thinking. Get out of my head, man! Barney's office Marshall: Barney, how do I get these idiots to leave me alone? Barney: Marshall, consider the penguins. Marshall: The penguins? Barney: On the wall. Marshall: "Conformity. It's the one who's different that gets left out in the cold." This is a motivational poster? Barney: Look at yourself, Marshall. You're not happy. And you know why? Because you're different. Now, I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake that you are, or... you could change your entire personality, which is just so much easier. The appartment Lily: Change your personality? That is so awful, and not at all motivational. Marshall: Not necessarily. Okay, at first, I was appalled, but then I realized it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vasquez in Life Among the Gorillas. I have to gain the acceptance of the herd by behaving exactly like one of them. It's an anthropological study. Isn't that cool? Lily: It sounds kinda like peer pressure. Marshall: No, no, no. It's totally anthropological and it's cool and I'm doing it. Lily: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure. We have an assembly every year. Marshall: I'm portraying someone who succumbs to peer pressure. Lily: All right, but if those guys try to pressure you to smoke, what do you say? Marshall: Only when I'm drunk. Lily: Good boy. Ted from 2030: And so, to fit in with the gorillas, Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla, and that meant gorilla lessons. The Bar Barney: Okay, I'm psyched about this. But if I'm going to mentor you, I need to know you're psyched about this, too. Marshall: Oh, I am. I'm, I'm psyched. Barney: Yeah, but it's one thing to say it, it's another thing to show it. Show it. Marshall: I'm psyched! Barney: What was that? Marshall, I should feel tremors of psychitude rock my body like a seizure. That was like a declawed pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Marshall: Wow, that was really specific. Barney: Show me you're psyched! Let's do this! Ow! That hurt! Marshall: So badly. Barney: And then you slip it to the guy with a discreet handshake and he'll get it done. Marshall: Right. Get what done? Barney: Whatever. Marshall: Cool. And what guy is this? Barney: There's always a guy. Marshall: Okay, all right, I, uh, I think I'm ready. Barney: You sure? You want to practice your story one more time? Marshall: All right. So dude, check it. I'm in San Diego with two of my bro-sephs from Kappa, and they're all, "Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs." So I'm, like, "Snapadoo!" So we find this choice nudie nest near the airport......and that is when the bouncer kicked us out. Now, I have no idea if Svetlana ever got her green card, but dudes, fake diamond ring? Worth every penny, bruh. Blauman: Eriksen...that was steak sauce! Bilson: Great story. The appartment Ted from 2030: The next moning, I was about to buy my ticket to Germany when I got an e-mail. Ted: Uh-oh. The Bar Victoria's voice: "Hey, Ted, sorry I missed your call last night. This long-distance thing sucks, huh? Listen, I've been thinking and I really need to talk to you tonight. I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria." So? Ted: So she's going to dump me. Has anyone ever said, "Listen, I've been thinking," and then follow it up with something good? It's not like: Listen, I've been thinking, Nutter-Butters are an underrated cookie. What else can it be? What could she possibly have to say to me that she couldn't write in an e-mail? Robin: I cut off all my fingers? Ted, you're a great guy. I know it, you know it, she knows it. I would bet you a gazillion dollars-- no, I'm even more confident. I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars that she's not calling to break up with you. Ted: Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy. So I should still buy that plane ticket, right? Robin: I'd wait. The Appartment (Marshall is on the phone, Lily is painting) Marshall: 'Sup, Blauman? E-bmb here. We still on for karaoke? Dope. I'm going to rock you on the mike so hard your hears are going to bleed gravy. Catch you on the flip, butt puppet. Lily: Okay...what do you think? Marshall: Steak sauce. Lily: Steak sauce? Marshall: Yeah. Lily: Look, you know, whatever anthropology you do at work is your business, but please don't act like that around here. Marshall: Lily, when Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-... Lily: No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline came home from the gorillas, she didn't run around picking nits out of people's hair and-and throwing feces. I'm begging you just, just leave it at the office. Marshall: Why? Lily: Because you're acting like one of those guys, and those guys are lame. Marshall: Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes, but they're actually good guys, and if you got to know them, then you would see that. Come karaoke with us tonight, and you'll see how totally not that lame they are, okay? Lily: Okay. At the karaoke Blauman: But wait, knock-knock, back door, who's there? Angelina Jolie... wait, in a wheelchair. What do you do? Go. Bilson: Dude, Scarlett Johannsen with no arms, any day of the week. Yeah. Lily: You're right. They're delightful. Marshall: So, Barney, you gonna sing anything? Barney: Nah. I'm so over karaoke. Marshall: Really? I thought you'd be totally into it. Barney: Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good. The best, really. But it's the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its scabbard. Lily: Oh, baby, they have our song. Let's do "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." Bilson: What? Marshall: "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." Elton John, Kiki Dee. Bilson: No way. You got to go with some Black Sabbath. Lily: Well, actually, Marshall and I have this little dance routine. Marshall: "Iron Man." I could do "Iron Man." Blauman: Steak sauce. Bilson: Steak sauce, dude. Blauman: Should we tell him? All right, Eriksen, I've got some good news. On Monday, Bilson and I are going to talk to Montague in HR. When you graduate, we want you working with us. What do you say? Yes! Bilson: That's my man! Blauman: I told you he would. Aw, we're gonna own the office. Lily: Okay, that was gross. When were you going to tell me you changed your entire career path? Marshall: Nothing has changed, okay? I still want to help the environment. I just thought that maybe I could make some money for a few years. We could buy an apartment, send our kids to good schools. You could quit your job and focus on your painting. I know that you say you don't need it, but... I love you and I want to give it to you anyway. I want to give you the package. Lily: The package?! You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package. Marshall: Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know, and you deserve a big package. Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a huge package. Robin's work place (Robin is on the phone with Ted) Robin: Hello. Ted: Why hasn't she called yet? Robin: Okay, you're making yourself crazy. It's Saturday night. Go out and do something. Ted: No, what's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend... for now. Besides, if I go out, who's going to watch the news? I'm, like, half your viewership. Robin: I'm flattered you think we have two viewers. She's not going to break up with you, Ted. You're awesome. Ted: Thanks. Anyway, it's almost 11:00. I should let you go. Break a leg. Ted from 2030: And so I was sitting at home, waiting for the phone to ring, something occurred to me. Ted: I'm actually sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring. At the karaoke (Ted arrives) Barney, singing: He's giving you the blues. You want to graduate, but not in his bed. Here's what you got to do Pick up the phone... Ted: Marshall. Marshall: Hey, hey. Ted: Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you in a month. Marshall: Yeah. Yeah. How you doing? Ted: I think Victoria's about to break up with me. Marshall: Oh, God, I'm sorry, man. Ted: Yeah, well, honestly, I'm having trouble remembering what she looks like. The more I try to picture her, the more I can't. Like, I remember how she makes me feel. I just... I don't completely remember her. It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone. Marshall: Preserving something that's already gone. Sounds like environmental law. Ted: I don't know. We struggle so hard to hold onto these things that we know are going to disappear eventually. And that's really noble, but even if you save every rainforest from being turned into a parking lot, well, then where are you going to park your car? Barney, singing: Done dirt cheap! Dirty deeds. Done dirt cheap! Dirty deeds. Done dirt cheap! Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap, ow. Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap... Uh, rockupied. Dude, what...? (Marshall says something to Barney, who then passes him the microphone) Next up, Marshmallow and Lillypad. Marshall: Don't go breakin' my heart Lily: I couldn't if I tried Marshall: Honey, if I get restless Lily: Baby, you're not that kind... Ted from 2030: It turns out some things are worth preserving. But here's the real question: It's 2:00 a.m. Your friends are still out singing karaoke, but you're home early 'cause you're expecting a call from your girlfriend in Germany, who was supposed to call four hours ago. And then the phone rings. Ted: Hello. Robin: Hi, Ted. It's Robin. Um, listen, I know it's late, but, uh, do you want to come over? Ted from 2030: What do you do? Go. [END]	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x17 - Life Among the Gorillas"}	foreverdreaming
Ted from 2030: Previously on How I Met Your Mother... Ted: She was completely amazing. She was amazing and funny and... Lily: You have feelings for Ted. Robin: Maybe. The Bar Victoria: I've just been offered a fellowhip at a culinary institute in Germany. Ted: Do you want to try long distance? Victoria: Yes. Robin: "This long-distance thing sucks, huh? And I really need to talk to you tonight." Ted: She's going to dump me! Robin: She's not going to break up with you, Ted. Ted: Hello? Robin: Do you want to come over? Ted from 2030: Kids, your grandma always used to say to me, "Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m.," and she was right. When 2:00 a.m. rolls around, just go home and go to sleep. Case in point: Ted: Hello. Robin: Hi, Ted, it's Robin. Um, listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over? Ted from 2030: Let's back up a little bit. Robin: Sit. Good boys. Okay, remember, stay out of the liquor cabinet. I'll see you tonight. In Lily's class Robin: And so the life of a television reporter is very rewarding, and I stronly urge you to consider it as a career. Thank you. Yeah? Little Girl: Do you have a fiancé? Lily: Marshall was here yesterday. They just learned the word "fiancé." Robin: Oh, no, I don't have a fiancé. Little Girl: Then who do you live with? Robin: Well, actually, I've got five dogs. Little Girl: Don't you get lonely? Robin: No, I've got five dogs. Little Girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely. Robin: Well, yeah, that's cats. I'm not some pathetic cat lady. Not that your grandmother is... Robin: Does anyone else have a...? Yes? Little Boy: Are you a lesbian? Robin: No. Are you? Just because a woman lives alone doesn't mean she's a les... Lily: Okay, let's have a big hand for Robin the reporter. All right, our next guest is another friend... Barney: So, Robin, you ever report on train wrecks? 'Cause I just saw one. What up? Tiny five. Robin: Ha-ha. Laugh now, those kids are monsters. They're going to eat you alive. Lily: He has a job doing... What do you do? Barney: Please. Kids, let's rap. You guys don't give half a brown Crayola what I do for a living, do you? All: No. Barney: No. I know what you want. Magic. [FLASHBACK] Robin: Hello. Ted: Why hasn't she called yet? Robin: Okay, you're making yourself crazy. It's Saturday night. Go out and do something. Ted: What's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend... for now. Besides, if I go out, who's going to watch the news? I'm, like, half your viewership. Robin: I'm flattered you think we have two viewers. Director: And we're clear. Man: So, Scherbotsky, got a boyfriend? Robin: No, and why does this keep coming up today? Man: Oh, I just thought that guy you were on the phone with... Robin: What? Oh, no, that was Ted. He's just a friend. I mean, there was this moment where we almost dated, but we want completely different things. Anyway, now he has this girlfriend in Germany and he thinks she's calling to dump him tonight, but I don't think she is. And besides, we want completely different things. Man: We should have sex. Robin: What? Man: Why not? We're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it. At least, I'm good at it. And even if you're not, don't worry, I'll have a good time either way. Robin: Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, don't get involved with people I work with. Man: Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex, it could be fun. Ted from 2030: Having sex is fun. Man: Home number. Call me anytime. A lot of local teens in action tonight... [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Hey, guys. Miss me? I missed you, too. Hi, Ted, it's Robin. Um, listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over? Ted? Ted: Uh, yeah... Uh, hi, I'm here. Robin: Do you want to come over? Ted: Why? What's up? Robin: Well, um, I just finally set up my new juicer and I was going to make some juice, and I was, like, "You know who likes juice? Ted." Ted: I love juice. Robin: Great. So you want to come over and make juice? Ted from 2030: When it's after 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep because the decisions you make after 2:00 a.m. are the wrong decisions. Ted: Okay, sure. I'll come over. We'll... juice. Robin: Yes, we'll juice. Ted: Okay. Robin: Okay... bye. Ted: Bye. In a cab Ted: This is fine. This is totally fine. Cab driver: What's fine? Ted: Oh, I'm, uh, going over to this girl's house to make some juice. Cab driver: Nice. Ted: No, it's not like that. We're juicing as friends. See, I have this girlfriend, I would never cheat on her. She lives in Germany. See, she was supposed to call me four hours ago to have a serious talk. I still haven't heard from her. I don't know. Sorry to bug you with my problems. Guess cab drivers are the new bartenders, huh? Cab driver: You ain't kidding, kid. Want a nip? Ted: You can just let me out right up here. In another cab Cab driver: Where you going to, buddy? Ted: Park Slope, Eighth and Eighth. Okay, here's where I left off with the last guy. See, I have a girlfriend, but I'm going over to this other girl's house... Victoria: And you're wondering if I'd be upset. Hi, Ted. Remember me, your girlfriend? Ted: Okay, relax, Robin's just a friend. Victoria: Right. You're going to go make some juice. Ted: Yes, yes! Juice is perfectly harmless. In fact, it's healthy. Victoria: Oh, yeah? Then why are you wondering what she looks like naked? Ted: I am not won... Okay, even if I am wondering that, it's only 'cause you put it in my head. Victoria: Ah, but I'm just a manifestation of your subconscious, so actually, you put it in your own head. Ted: Damn it! Nothing's going to happen. Victoria: Right. Ted: Okay, okay. You want a second opinion? Fine. At the Karaoke (Marshall's phone is rigging) Marshall: Hey, did she call? Ted: No. I need a ruling. Um, I'm... Yeah, this is stupid. It's not even a big deal, but I'm on my way over to Robin's right now. She got a new juicer. Whatever. We're going to test it out. Marshall: Let me call you back. Honey, there's a situation developing. Do you remember the huge secret that you told me that you weren't supposed to but you did? The thing... about Robin? Barney: Oh, you mean how Robin's in love with Ted? Marshall & Lily: What? Barney: Yeah, she told me already. Go on. Marshall: Wait. So I'm the only one that she didn't tell? She told you and not me? Barney: Well, I guess I'm just better friends with her than you are. Marshall: Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are. Barney: That is a lie! Marshall: It is not a lie. Barney: Okay, that's it! You and me! I'm not afraid of you! Marshall: I'll show you things you never seen before! I used to box in the Army! In the cab Ted: Come on, pick up. Damn it, Victoria, where are you? Pick up, pick up! Victoria: Cupcake? Ted: No, thanks. Where are you? Why haven't you called? Victoria: Oh, I'm out hooking up... with three other guys. Or maybe I'm a devoted girlfriend and I'm calling you right now. Ted: Yeah. Why do I doubt that? Hello. Marshall: Ted, I just saw the news and a truck carrying sulphuric acid overturned right in front of Robin's house. And it's melting through the sidewalk. You can see straight down into hell. It's bad. You should go home, dude. Ted: Marshall, it's fine. Nothing's going to happen. Marshall: Ted, what does your mom always say? Ted: Nothing good ever... Marshall: Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. Go home! It's too late for juice. Ted: Dude, Robin and I are just friends. She doesn't even like me that way. Lily: Yes, she does! She likes you. She told me. Ted: What? Lily: It's a big secret, so don't tell her I told you, but she's very vulnerable right now and you have a girlfriend. Go home, Ted. Ted: She-she likes me? Lily: Yes. So you see why it would be a very bad idea for you to go up there. Go home, Ted. Ted: She likes me? Lily: Go home, Ted. Ted: Uh, you're right. I'll, uh, I'll see you at home. Lily: Good. He's going home. Marshall: He is so not going home. I cannot believe you just told him that. Lily: What do you mean? Marshall: Lily, here's what you just said: "Ted, whatever you do, don't go up there. There's a beautiful girl who wants to have sex with you. And then she's gonna make you some delicious juice." Lily: No, he's not going up there. He has more sense than that. Ted from 2030: I did have more sense than that. Ted: Keep the change. Cab driver: Thanks. Ted from 2030: But after 2:00 a.m, my good sense was sound asleep. Victoria: So you're doing this? You're going up there? Ted: You want to get out of the way? Victoria: I'm not in the way. Ted: You know, if you had just called me, I... Robin: Hi. Ted: Hi. Um, I got some vegetables. I got carrots, I got beets. Robin: Or we could just drink wine. Ted: Wine... not? Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever said. Robin: Thanks. Ted: Make it a big glass. Robin: Sure. Ted: So, how's it hanging? Robin: Have you ever had one of those days where nothing at all that monumental happens but by the end of it you have no idea who you are anymore or what the hell you're doing with your life? Do you ever have one of those days? Ted: Uh, about once a week. Robin: I don't know, it was just a, a rough day and the only person I wanted to see at the end of it was you. So... um... how was the big phone call with your girlfriend? Ted from 2030: When the clock strikes 2:00, just go to sleep. Ted: We broke up. Robin: What? Ted: Yeah. Yeah, she finally called. We talked for a while-- how hard long distance is-- and then... she dumped me. Robin: Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry. That's just terrible. I feel awful. Ted: You're smiling. Robin: Am I? No I'm not. I'm a news anchor. Smiling's a part of the job. Thousands died in a tragic avalanche today. See? You're smiling, too. Ted: Yeah. I have no idea what that's all about. At the karaoke There's got to be a morning after... Marshall: How much does Korean Elvis rock? I'll answer that. Infinity. He rocks... infinity. Lily: Okay, it's time for bed. Barney: What? No. It's 2:30. Lily: Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. Barney: You know, I have found, in my travels... that all the best things in life happen after 2:00 a.m. When I look back at the best stories of my life-- the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape I got in at the Russian Embassy, the almost four-way. Marshall: You never had a four-way. Barney: I said "almost." All those things happened after 2:00 a.m. because after 2:00 a.m. is when things get-- audience, say it with me-- legendary. Lily: We're going home. Barney: What's that? Interesting theory, Barney, but I'll need some proof? Okay. Korean Elvis. How would you like to have a drink with me and my friends? Korean Elvis: Rock 'n' roll. Barney: And it begins. At Robin's Ted: So, um... Hey. I got a new phone. Same as yours. Look. Robin: Oh, yeah. Do you like it? Ted: Yeah. Yeah. This is some solid small talk. I had that other phone, and it was good, but I think the whole time a little part of me wanted this phone instead. This phone... um... feels right. (Ted's phone starts rigging) Robin: Wow. Weird. Ted: Yeah. Uh, I should probably take this. Robin: I'll be here. (Ted goes out in the hall) Ted: Hello? Korean Elvis: Ted, this is your main man, K.E. I want you to shake your tail feathers down here ASAP, you dig? Marshall: Sorry about that. Ted: Was that Korean Elvis? Marshall: I'll explain later. Hey, we're headed down to MacLaren's. Ted: Um... Actually... I'm at Robin's. Yeah, and, um... I might have done something bad. I just lied and told her I broke up with Victoria. Marshall: Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis, but what the bleep are you doing, dude? Ted: What do you expect from me? It's Robin. Victoria's great, but, it's Robin. I've made up my mind. I'm going to end it with Victoria. Lily: Gonna? Ted: Yes. First thing tomorrow. Lily: Okay, but, but, as of right now at-at... 2:45 a.m. you still have a girlfriend. Ted, I love you. I love Robin. But if you do this right now, your entire future with her will be built on a crime. Just go home, Ted. Don't do this the wrong way. Ted: I hate how you're always right. Lily: It's my best and most annoying trait. Ted: Okay. I'm coming home. I'll see you soon. (Ted comes back to Robin's appartment) Robin: Hey. Ted: I should probably get going. It's pretty late. I'm sorry. I... Robin: Oh. Oh, no. I understand. It's fine. Yeah. Ted: Can I call you tomorrow? Robin: Totally. Totally. Call me tomorrow. Ted: Okay. Good night, Robin. Robin: Good night, Ted. They embrace each other Robin: Oh, my God. We're making out. Ted: Right. Robin: This is crazy. Ted: Right? Right? Robin: Should we go to my room? I mean, there's five dogs in there, but... Ted: Yeah. Robin: Yeah? Ted: Yeah. I just, um... I have to run to the bathroom real quick. Robin: Okay. (Ted goes to the bathroom while Robin waits in the living room) Ted: Stop doing that. Victoria: Whatcha doin'? Ted: I'm calling you. We're breaking up. I'm doing this right now, I'm coming out of this bathroom a single man. Victoria: Okay. Say, Ted... how long do you think that conversation's going to be? Length of an average pee? No. We're gonna be on the phone for at least 20 minutes. Robin's out there. She's gonna think you're in here taking a massive... Ted: What do you want from me? People break up. It happens. Victoria: Not like this. Not from the bathroom of the girl that you're about to sleep with. Ted: It's not ideal. The Bar Ted from 2030: Meanwhile, back at the bar, Barney was still trying to prove that good things can happen after 2:00 a.m. Barney: Come on, Lily. How many women can say they've been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis? Lily: I think he just spat on me. Marshall: Barney, you tried, I think that's great, but we're going. Barney: No! No, come on. Marshall: Yes! Barney: Dude, we haen't ht legendary yet. We're only at the "le". We still got the "gen." The "da." The "ry." Lily: Okay, if we're at the "le," then I say we follow it up with a "t's go home." Marshall: Oh, wow, you just got brned, phonics style. Korean Elvis: No, no, no, no, no. Baby, baby, baby, don't go. Just one dance, huh? Lily: Okay, seriously. Korean Elvis: Hey, I know what you like. Ted from 2030: And so, Barney was right-- the night was legendary. It would come to be known as The Time Lily Kicked Korean Elvis in the Nards. Marshall: Hey, you guys remember the time that Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the Nards? At Robin's Ted: You're right. I owe you a real breakup call. I'll call you tomorrow. Victoria: Good. So you're gonna go home? Ted: Why should I have to go home? You know, there's every chance Robin's the woman I'm going to marry. Victoria: Ted. Ted: It could happen. And so really, what's it gonna matter in 50 years if I jump the g*n by one night? Look, I-I know this is a moral gray area, but... It's Robin. And I'm exhausted. I am. I'm exhausted from pretending I'm not in love with her. I think that makes this okay. Victoria: Oh, please. You just want to get laid. Ted: Yes, I do. You got me. That is exactly what I want right now. And so what? I want this. She wants this. It's happening, and if you have a problem with it, don't be in Germany. It's been nice pretending to talk to you. Thanks for not calling me and good night. Victoria: That's not your phone. Ted: This isn't my phone. (He goes back to the livingroom; Robin's on the phone) Robin: Okay. Bye. (She hungs up) I thought it was mine, so I answered it. Ted: Was it...? Robin: It was your girlfriend. You might want to call her back. Ted from 2030: I called Victoria from the cab and we broke up. Yes... And there you have it, kids. The stupidest thing I've ever done. In one night, I managed to hurt two people I cared about. And none of it would've happened if I just listened to my mom. So I guess if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's this: when it's 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep. [END]	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x18 - Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M."}	foreverdreaming
[In 2006, 3 months earlier, at the Bar] Ted: Her favorite CD in the Otis Redding box set? Disc three. My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone? Come on. Disc three! God, Victoria's so amazing! I could talk about her for hours. Lily: What do you mean "could"? Ted: I'm sorry, it's just... God, I... I'm crazy about this girl. It feels like maybe... I don't want to say it. Barney: Trust that impulse, Ted. Robin: Hey. Something kind of cool just happened. My story on Pickles, the Singing Dog, just got nominated for a Local Area Media Award. Lily: A... LAME-A? Robin: We prefer Local Area Media Award. Um... there's going to be this big banquet. I know these things aren't much fun, but it would really mean a lot to me if you guys came. And there's an open bar. All: Yes! Word up! Ted: Yeah, put me down for two. Robin: Really? It's three months away. Ted: I know, but... guys, I'm sorry, I'm going to say it. I have a feeling Victoria's going to be around for a long time. [3 months later, at the Bar] Ted: I'm going to miss Victoria. I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin's still pissed at me after... you know. Barney: You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were so you could try to nail Robin and you wound up losing both girls in one night? Ted: Yes, that's what I meant by "you know." I haven't seen her in three weeks. She won't return my calls. Look, I shouldn't go. Marshall: You should definitely go. Look, it's a chance to show her you're still friends and that you support her. Barney: Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter. Even better, triple thrat-- hotter and bigger boobs. Ted: That's only two. Barney: Count again. Ted: Barney, I'm not bringing a date. Even if I wanted to, the thing's in two hours. Barney: So get an escort. Ted: By "escort," you mean prosttute? Barney: Why not? Ted: Because... gross? Barney: Oh, gross. What, you have some puritanical hang-up about prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession. Marshall: You really think that's true? Barney: Oh, yeah. I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers, like, an extra fish for putting out. Marshall: Aha, so then the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered. Barney: Come on, Ted, let's get you a hooker. It'll be fun. Ted: Okay, to bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically or to actually have sex with? Barney: Yes. Ted: No! It's illegal. And did I mention gross? Barney: That's adorable. Ted, you're such a hayseed. The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century. You do realize that one out of every eight adult women in America is a prosttute. Marshall: You just made that up. Barney: Withdrawn. Marshall: Lawyered. The point is, how long has it been? Ted: 57 days. Barney: Is that your water? May I? Ted: Yeah, go ahead. Barney: Much obliged. 57 days?! Ted, you are in a slump. Ted: No, it's not a slump. It's an intentional hiatus from girls. A slump is when you strike out every time you step up to the plate. But I'm off the roster, baby. I'm in the locker room sitting in the whirlpool. And I'll tell you something, it feels pretty good. Barney: Yeah, you know what else is in that locker room? A naked dudes hanging brain. Ted, you need a lady. And I've got the next best thing-- Mary. She lives in my building. She's smart, she's hot, she's totally cool. Ted: Oh, she sounds great. And who knows? Maybe we'll wind up getting married someday. You know, if we can get a blessing from her pimp. Barney: You want to judge a fellow human being based solely on one external characteristic? That's racism. And I do not drink with rcist. Good day. Ted: You're just waiting for me to speak, so you can... Barney: I said good day! At the appartment Robin: So should I wear my hair up or down? Lily. Lily: What? Robin: You okay? Lily: Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm just exhausted from work. The stupid school board took away nap time in all kindergarten classes and now the kids are just going crazy by the end of the day. It's much harder to deal with because, well, I don't get my nap. Robin: Wait, you were taking naps when the kids were? Is that safe? Lily: Well, they're only five. What are they gonna do to me? Robin: Ted's still coming to this thing, right? Lily: Yep. Robin: Do you think, um... hypothetically... it would be weird if I bring a date? Lily: Look at you, Scherbotsky, blatantly trying to make Ted jealous. Robin: No, it's just this guy at the station. I never get involved with co-workers, but he asked me and I said yes. Is it going to be weird? Lily: No, it's not going to be weird at all. (Lily's on the phone with Marshall) Robin's bringing a date. Marshall: Boy. That's going to be really weird. Lily: I know. The Bar Marshall: Robin's bringing a date. Ted: Oh. Okay. That's not weird. She's bringing a date. I'm glad she's moving on. Marshall: Dude, it's going to be weird. Ted: No, it's fine. Look, in spite of whatever happened between us, Robin and I are still friends. I don't think it'll be weird. Barney: Yeah, it won't be weird. Ted: Thank you. Barney: Because you're going to bring your own date. Woman: Hello, Barney. Barney: Hi, Mary. Have you met Ted? Mary: Nice to meet you Ted. Ted: Hi, Mary. Wow. It's, uh, nice to meet you, too. Mary: So we're going to an award show? Ted: Uh, yeah, will you just excuse us for one minute? Barney. Barney: See you in two shakes, Mare. You two make yourselves comfortable. Ted: What the hell? Barney: Dude, your narrow-minded views on professional fornicators were harshing my mellow. So I got you a date for the evening. Ted: You got me a hooker. A really hot hook-- A hooker! Barney: Think about it, this is perfect. A: it will make Robin insanely jealous... B: you get to have sex with her... and C: maybe by getting to know Mary, you'll come to see that courtesans are people, too. And D: "B" all night long. Ted: I'm not taking a prosttute to Robin's banquet. Barney: The only people who will know are you, me and Marshall. No one will suspect a thing. They'll just see you with this unbelievably smoking hot girl and... Okay, that's a little bit suspicious. Look, I'm just trying to expand your horizons a little bit tonight. But if you're not interested, fine, I'm out 500 bucks. Whatever. Ted: 500 bucks? Barney: Ted, you're my cabron. You think I'm gonna stick you with some toothless trnny from the Port Authority? Look at how hot she is. Robin would be so jealous. Ted: I'm not trying to make Robin jealous, Barney. Look, I... tell Mary, thanks, but no thanks. I have a soul. Ted from 2030: And then your Uncle Marhsall and I had one of our famous telepathic conversations. Marshall: Check out Robin's date. Ted: I know. Marshall: Is that who I think it is? Ted: Yep. It's Sandy Rivers. Ted from 2030: Sandy Rivers was the face of Metro News One, the most low-budget cable news network ever. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Sandy time. Sandy time! Ted from 2030: He was best known for his morning segment "In Today's Paper," during which he literally flipped through today's papers, reading them aloud to viewers. Sandy: Here we have, on the front page, a story about a... I guess, a guy in a superhero costume climbing the Empire State Building. Looks interesting. Ted from 2030: These idiotic filler pieces were a guilty pleasure of ours. Ted: Which Sandy do we want today? French Sandy, prn star Sandy...? Marshall: Yosemite Sandy, definitely. Ted: Excellent choice. I love this guy. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: I hate this guy. Lily: Hey. Mary: Hi. Lily: I'm Lily. Mary: Hi. Mary. It's nice to meet you. Marshall: Mary is a friend of Barney's. Barney invited her. Just met Mary ourselves. Don't know too much about Mary. Look, a beer. Ted: Hey. Robin: Hi. Ted: You look nice. Robin: Oh, um, Ted, this is Sandy. Sandy: Hi. Sandy Rivers. Use my full name. People get a kick out of it. Ted: Hi, Sandy. Rivers. So are you two, uh... Sandy: Starting a bunch of office rumors? Looks that way. Looks that way. Ted: Oh, how rude of me. Uh, Robin, Sandy... Rivers... this is Mary, my date. At the ceremony Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 45th annual Local Area Media Awards. Please say hello to our host for the evening, king of the Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Movie, Vampire Lou! Vampire Lou: Tonight we celebrate the very best in broadcasting and the triumph of the human spirit. Marshall: Man, Vampire Lou just looks great. Ted: I can't believe I'm on a date with a hooker. Marshall: Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily go to the ladies' room together, man. Secrets come out in there. Barney: Oh, please. How's it's going to come out? "Uh, pass me a towel. P.S., I have sex for money." Lily: Who has sex for money? Marshall: Nobody. What did you guys talk about in there? Anything interesting? Lily: No, not really. We just chitchatted and I borrowed her lipstick. Why is Vampire Lou the host of a Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Movie? You know, it just makes no sense. God, that pisses me off. Ted: Lily, you okay? Lily: Oh, yeah, I'm just tired. And when I get tired, I get cranky. Sandy: Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky. Lily: "Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky." Mary: Wow. Why are you so tired? Lily: Well, I teach kindergarten and the school board took away my nap time, the kids' nap time. Barney: Lily, quit your job. Work at a private school. You won't have to deal with the school board, and you'll make a ton more money. Lily: Well, guess what, Barney? I don't base all my life decisions on how much money I'm going to make, unlike you and, sadly, my fiance. Marshall: Well, it's just an internship, for the record. Lily: Yeah, because if I did sacrifice all my values just for an easy buck, what would that make me? Mary: A prosttute. Lily: Exactly. Thank you, Mary. Robin: So, Mary, what do you do for a living? Barney: She's a paralegal. Mary: Yes, I'm a paralegal. Robin: Oh, so, Mary the paralegal. What does a paralegal do exactly? Mary: I just assist with day-to-day clerical work in a law firm downtown. Lily: Oh, what firm? Mary: Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp. Marshall: That's a real law firm. Mary: I know. Marshall: Nice. Ted: You're pretty good on your feet. Mary: Are you flirting with me? Ted: Is that allowed? Mary: Yes, it's encouraged. Ted: You know, I wouldn't normally say this on a first date, but... well, considering... I'm just going to say it. You are so hot! Mary: Well, thank you. Ted: You're welcome. Robin: Mary, Ted is a great guy. You hold on to him. Don't let him out of your sight for a minute. Ted: So, Sandy, what do you do? Oh, wait, I know what you do. You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning. Sandy: You got me. What do you do, Ted? Ted: Oh, same thing as you-- I read the paper every morning. But then after that, I finish my coffee and I go to my real job as an architect where I make an actual contribution to the world. I'm just kidding. Love your show. You're terrific. Sandy: Thanks. I never tire of hearing that. Mary: Hey, you know that scene in Empire where they lower the helmet onto Darth Vader's head? Do you think that's how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning? Ted: You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something I love. Damn, you just got even hotter. Ted from 2030: And so, as the night wore on, I started to realize, this girl, despite what she did for a living, was kind of great. Ted: Hey. Robin: Hey. Mary seems nice. Have you kissed her yet, or are you waiting until you're in a serious relationship with someone else? Ted: I, uh... I wanted to apologize for everything that happened. Robin: And just like that, it's all okay. Roll credits. Ted: So you're going to be mad at me forever? What, we're not even friends now? Robin: We're still friends. Ted: Are we? You don't return my calls, we never hang out and now you're trying to make my jealous by waving Edward R. Moron in my face? Robin: Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here in her low-cut dress to make me jealous? Ted: Oh, so now she's a whore? Robin: What? Ted: You know something? Mary the paralegal is awesome. And you know what else? I didn't come here tonight to make you jealous, I came here to support you as a friend. And frankly, I'm sick of trying. Sandy: I like that guy. Ted: Hey. Sandy: Hey. What were you guys talking about over there? Ted: Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend that I think you're awesome. Sandy: Well, thanks. You know, this is one of the nicer hotels I've ever been in. Ted: Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel. You should see the rooms. The views are amazing. Mary: Yeah? Maybe it's too bad we don't have a room. Barney: Room 1506. My treat. You kids go nuts. Actually, don't use the mini-bar. Do it. Come on, Ted, do it. This is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30. Ted: Sleep with a prosttute? Barney: No, lose your virginity. What up. Statistic-- men who have had at least one relationship with a prosttute are 75% more likely to have success in future relationships. Marshall: You just made that up. Barney: Withdrawn. Marshall: Lawyered. Okay, three things. First of all, Robin's category's almost up. And second of all, you cannot do this. It's wrong on every level. And third, I've been placing small items in Sandy's hair all night. He still hasn't noticed. Ted: I know I can't do this. I'm not doing this. It's just... it's a shame. She's really cool. Marshall: Yeah, well... there we go. Vampire Lou: Scooter "Bam-Bam" Branson for A Bicycle-- Joyride or Deathtrap? Mike Murphy for 13, Pregnant and Addicted. And Robin Scherbotsky for Pickles, the Singing Dog. And the winner is... Robin Scherbotsky. Robin: Thanks. Oh, wow. This is really a surprise. Um, you know it's nice to be able to share this award with my friends. They're all here tonight. Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers... Barney... And that's it. Those are all my friends. Thank you. Marshall: Congratulations. Robin: Oh, thanks. Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab? Sandy: Sure. Let's go. Ted: Yeah, this party's dad. Mary, you want to go upstairs? We, uh, got a room. Marshall: Dude, what are you doing? Ted: What's it look like? Marshall: It looks bad, is what it looks like. You cannot do this. Ted: Marshall, she is a really cool girl when you get to know her. Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous. Marshall: Oh, that's real mature. Lily: Marshall, what is up with you and Ted? Marshall: Nothing, baby. Don't worry about it. Fine. Do what you want. Hey. Mary: Should we go? Ted: Yeah. Thanks. Well... Good night. Robin: Good night. In the elevator Ted: So, did you and Barney ever...? Mary: There's not enough money in the world. Ted: Oh, thank God. Marshall: Wow, so they're...? Robin, where's Sandy Rivers? Robin: I put him in a cab. Barney: So you and he aren't...? Robin: I don't date people I work with. I was just trying to make Ted jealous. Is he...? Marshall: He's off trying to make you jealous. Robin: Oh, well, good for them. And, you know, if Ted likes her, she's probably pretty cool. Marshall: Lily, I know you're asleep, but I have to tell someone this, and we tell each other everything. So, here it goes. Mary's not a paralegal. She's a prosttute. Lily, waking up: Mary's a prosttute? Robin: What?! Marshall: Barney paid for her. Lily: Is that true? Marshall: We were having a conversation about prostitution, and then Barney calls her up and then she shows up at the bar and now she and Ted are upstairs. Robin: Okay, seriously, what is going on with Ted lately? Is he having a nervous breakdown? Lily: You know, Barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low, but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle. Oh, my God, I used her lipstick! Ah! Marshall: That's her napkin. Lily: No! Barney: Okay, well, I guess now is as good a time as any. In keeping with tonight's award show motif, I'd like to announce this evening's big twist ending! Vampire Lou, would you do the honors? Vampire Lou: "Mary's not really a prosttute." Marshall: What? Barney: That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done. Marshall: So she's not...? Barney: No. Mary's just a paralegal who lives in my building. Oh-- ha-ha! And here's the best part-- she has no idea that Ted thinks she's a hooker. Oh, come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean. In the hall of the hotel Ted: I feel kind of like Richard Gere. Mary: Not shy about your looks, are you? Ted: No. You know, Mary, I've never done this before. Mary: Done what? Ted: You know, been... on a "date." Mary: Yeah, right. Wait, you're kidding, right? Ted: No. Why, is that so odd? Mary: Well, Ted, I mean, I've been going on dates since I was 15. Ted: God, you were just a kid. Well, look, let's just have a few drinks. We'll relax and... Mary: Yeah, that sounds great. I had clients riding me all day long. Ted: Must be tough. Mary: Yeah. I mean, this one guy just wouldn't leave me alone. I mean, talk about a*l. Well, here we are. Ted: Okay, look, Mary, I like you a lot. I'm sort of amazed at how much I like you, but I can't do this. You're a hooker. Mary: What? Ted: Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me. I'm not going to have sex with a prosttute. Mary: No... Ted, I'm a paralegal. Ted: Come on, Mary, there's no one else around. You're a hooker. Mary: No, Ted... I'm a paralegal. Ted: No, you're a hooker. Mary: No, I'm a paralegal. Ted: You're a paralegal. The Bar Ted: That was not funny. Marshall: Not funny, dude. Barney: I know, it was hilarious. Ted: Why would you do that? Barney: I did it to prove a point. Ted: What point? Barney: Stay with me. It's going to come to me. No. Ah, okay, here's the point. You thought that Mary was a sure thing, right? So what happened? She took you up to a hotel room on the first date. All you have to do is be that confident with every girl you meet and your slump is over. Ted: So the message is, I should treat every woman like a whore? Barney: Come on, dude, you should be thanking me. Ted: She slapped me and stormed off. Barney: Can you blame her? You called her a hooker. Marshall: I'm sorry, dude, it was funny. Ted: Yeah. Well, it's getting late. I should get back to my room. Barney: Your room? Ted: Yeah, that really expensive hotel room you put on your credit card-- never checked out. By the way, you know what's super fun? Pouring Dom Perignon down a bathtub drain. Well, it's almost 3:00. Got a massage. Toodles. (Ted leaves) Marshall: Come on, if you don't laugh, it just seems mean. [END]	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x19 - Mary the Paralegal"}	foreverdreaming
Lily and Marshall are running in the streets Ted from 2030: Kids, about eight months into Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall's engagement, there occurred a game-changing emergency. [12 minutes earlier, at the appartment] Marshall: Van Smoot is available. Lily: Oh, my God! Ted from 2030: Van Smoot House was a gorgeous mansion right on the Hudson River. It had everything Marshall and Lily wanted for their wedding, but it was never available. And then, suddenly, it was. Marshall: There was a cancellation two months from now. Lily: You want to have our wedding in two months? No. It's impossible. Marshall: It's Van Smoot, Lily. It's the dream! Lily: No, there's just not enough time. There's no way... Oh! Mini-vomit. Marshall: Okay, look, look, look. I know that it's sudden, but check it. If we don't take this, guess who's on their way with a deposit check. Lily: Todd and Valerie? (An other couple is running) Ted from 2030: When you're planning a wedding, there's always one couple with similar taste that seems to be one step ahead of you. Todd and Valerie were that couple. Marshall: We got to make a decision. Todd and Valerie are in motion. Van Smoot! Lily: Oh! Kids, color!(Lily runs out of class, Marshall runs out pf the appartment, they join in the street) Come on, baby. Marshall: Come on, come on, come on. Todd: Hello, Marshall. Lily. Marshall: Todd. Valerie. Stairs. The Bar Lily: I can't believe it. We got Van Smoot House. Marshall: It is on. It is on! Like the former Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan. Robin: What? Marshall: You're a wonder. Ted: Wow! You guys are getting married in two months. Robin: How are you going to get everything done? Lily: Division of labor. Everyone's got a job to do, so listen up. Okay, Robin, you and Ted go to the florist. Ted from 2030: Robin had been mad at me since the night I slightly exaggerated my not-having-a-girlfriend-ness. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Was it...? Robin: It was your girlfriend. You might want to call her back. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Or, actually, Robin, why don't you go to the florist? And, Ted, I could use your keen architectural eye on... on the invitations. Marshall: Wow. That was really awkward, Lil. And still. It's still really awkward right now. Barney: Hey, what about me? What's my job? What do I get to do? Lily: Okay, your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me. Barney: Lil, you know I can't promise that. At the appartment (Lily fell asleep on wedding books, Marshall and Ted enters) Marshall: Shh! Shh! Look how cute she looks. All tuckered out. Hey, babe. Hey, little one. Hey, Lilypad. Lily: Crap! Band! We forgot a band! It's just gonna be silence and then people chewing. Marshall: Shh! Shh! Baby, don't worry about it. I called The 88! Lily: Who? Marshall: The 88. They're this awesome band. They played my law review party. They were found guilty. On three counts of rocking. Ted: I saw them two months ago at my cousin Bonzo's wedding, they were great. Lily: John "Bonzo" Bonham from Led Zeppelin? Ted: Yes, Lily, my cousin, the drummer from Led Zeppelin, who died in 1980, got married two months ago. Lily: Look, I... I can't sign off on a band I've never even seen. We... we don't even know if they can play our song. They're... they're going to have to come over here and audition. Marshall: Baby, The 88 don't audition. They're, like, the Wiggles of wedding bands. Lily: Well, then... I have to say no. Marshall: Baby, they're only holding the date until Monday. Lily: Well... well, are they playing anywhere this weekend? Marshall: Let me check their Website. Lily: What? Ted: Lily, you're being a wee bit intense about this band thing. Lily: Intense? I have a wedding to plan in nine weeks for 200 people. Even if a dinosaur should poke his head out of my butt and consume this coffee table, I need you to roll with it, okay? Ted: Wow. (Barney enters) Barney: Guys! I just tasted an amazing caterer. Lily: We already have a caterer. Barney: Oh, right. You're getting married. You see what I did there? Took a... Marshall: It looks like The 88 are playing at a high school prom in New Jersey tomorrow. Lily: A prom? Can... can we go to that? Marshall: Yeah, we'll just call the high school, they'll let us stand in the back and watch. [11 secondes later...] Lily: Yeah. No, they won't. Marshall: Why not? Lily: 'Cause it turns out we're not in high school. Barney: No sweat, we'll just sneak in. Marshall: We're not sneaking in to a high school prom. Lily: Yes, we are. It's the only way. Ted: You're getting on board with Barney's idea? Man, you really have snapped. Lily: It's nine weeks till the wedding. At this point, I'd say yes to just about anything. Barney: Well... Lily: No, Barney. The Bar Ted from 2030: And so, Aunt Lily had the plan to crash the prom. Robin: I'll go with you. Lily: Really? Robin: Yeah. I never got to go to my prom. We always had field hockey nationals in the spring. Barney: Lesbian. Robin: The cough is supposed to cover the "lesbian." Barney: No, I'm trying to start a thing where the cough is separate. Lily: Do you think we look young enough to blend in at a high school? Barney: Please, I'm ageless, Scherbotsky just needs a good night's sleep, and you've got "statutory" written all over your body. Ted: Hey, why don't we all go? Robin: I don't know-- more people might be harder to sneak in. We don't want to mess things up for Lily. Ted: Yeah, you're right. Besides, Marshall and I have been planning on having a guy's night out before the wedding. Why don't we just make it tomorrow night? Marshall: Sounds awesome. We should go out and just get freakin' weird. Ted: Yeah. Marshall: 'Cause, you know, you be a bad, bad man, and I be an outlaw. Barney: Wow. Hey, Thelma, Louise, y'all don't drive off no cliffs now, ya hear? Lame! But seriously, leave me a message, and we'll meet up later. At the appartment Lily: All right, what do you think? Barney: Horrible. Lily: You're gonna make such a great dad. Barney: You look so classy and nice. You're going to stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's go ho or go home. Lily: Well, we have to get in. I have to see this band, 'cause we have to make a decision by Monday, 'cause I'm getting married in 71 days, and we still don't have... Robin: Shh. Sweetie, just focus on one thing at a time, okay? Right now, you just have to dress like a whore and that's it. Lily: All right. Barney: That's the spirit. Now, ladies, slut up! In the bedroom Robin: I never thought this would be a bad thing, but my wardrobe just isn't slutty enough. Lily: I didn't know I still had this. Robin: What? Lily: The dress I wore to my actual prom. [FLASHBACK] Scooter: Dude, you are the hottest girl at this prom, and not like in a corporate, plastic way. Like, truly, truly hot. Like a hot soul. Lily: Aw, you look great, too, Scooter. Scooter: So big news. I heard from umpire school. I'm in! Lily: Oh, disco! I am so happy for you. Scooter: You mean happy for us, right, babe? Lily: Scooter, you're gonna be an umpire someday. Scooter: No, baby. We're gonna be an umpire someday. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Nice. You ladies look good, but your outfits are missing just one thing. Robin: No, Barney, this is as far as we're going to go. I'm not showing anymore... Barney: Two beautiful flowers for two beautiful flowers. Lily: Aw. Sweet. Thank you. Barney: Oh, Robin, are you tearing up? Robin: No. I've never been to prom before, okay? Lily: We got to go. See ya. Ted: Bye, have fun. See you. (Lily, Robin and Barney leave) Marshall: They grow up into skanks so fast, don't they, Ted? Ted: So, what, we ready for tonight? Marshall: Yeah. Just one thing we got to do first. Ted: sht of Jim Beam? Marshall: Yeah. Ted: Yes! Marshall: And then I promised Lily that we'd stuff 200 wedding invitations. Ted: What?! Marshall: I'm sorry, dude, but you saw how stressed out she is. Ted: Come on! You've been doing wedding stuff nonstop. Take a break. Once you're married, if we go out and you get so drunk you throw up, it'll be sad, but if we do it tonight... it'll be less sad. Marshall: Okay, it'll be cool-- I'll tell you what. We'll make a game out of it. First one to stuff a hundred invitations gets a big prize. Ted: Do I look like I'm four? All right, what kind of prize are we talking? Outside the prom Lily: Wow, a lot more security than when we were kids. Robin: Is this gonna work? Lily: Yeah. Look, when I was 17, I used to sneak into clubs all the time. It's all about confidence. Follow me. Whee-hoo! Happy prom, everybody. Going to prom-- whee-hoo! Security guard: Uh, you're adults. Lily: Okay, bye. Okay, look, I just need to see the band. I'm getting married in two months, and... Security guard: And you're just finding a band? Barney: Hey, ho, hey! Security guard: I'm sorry, ma'am. You either need to be a student or the date of a student. Lily: Wow. "Ma'am?" Check and mate. Barney: It's cool. Time to activate plan B. Scherbotsky, how comfortable are you with a crossbow? Scherbotsky? Robin: Hey, guys. Do you want to take two hot girls to prom? Boy: We don't have that kind of money. Robin: For free. Boy: Oh, hell yeah! Robin: Great. I'm Robin, this is my friend Lily. Lily: Hi. Shall we? Boy: Sure. I knew it would happen. This is the dream. Robin: Oh, hey, wait. How's Barney getting in? Barney: Don't worry about me. I'll get in. Oh... I'll get in. Inside the building Lily: We're in! Singer: Thank you. We're going to take a break. Lily: Oh, you're kidding me. Boy #1: Hey, uh, you ladies want something to take the edge off? Robin: Yeah, what the hell? It's prom. That tastes like cough syrup. Boy #1: Yeah, we couldn't get any alcohol. Um, our fake IDs say we're only 20. We didn't realize it till after we bought them. Robin: Nerds who aren't good at math? Life's going to be rough, boys. Lily: Hi. Excuse me. I was wondering if you guys could play "Good Feeling" by the Violent Femmes. I know it's probably not in your repertoire, but I'm getting married and my fiancé wants to hire you guys as the band, but I can't sign off on it until I hear you play "Good Feeling" because that's our song, and what kind of wedding band would you be if you couldn't play our song, right? Right? Man: Look, I'm kinda wasted right now, so I didn't understand any of that. But, uh, if you get us the sheet music, we'll play your song. Boy #1: So, you buzzing, baby? Robin: My phlegm feels looser. At the appartment Ted: This is pathetic. It's guys' night. We should be out in a bar getting in fights. If I got in a fight, would you have my back? Marshall: You know it. Ted: I'd have your back, too. Marshall: That's cool. Ted: What, you don't think you'd need my help? You don't know what I can do. I'm like... like a berserker. Marshall: Okay, Ted. (His phone starts rigging) Hello. Robin: Hey, it's Robin. Um, Lily needs you to download the sheet music for "Good Feeling" and bring it out here, like, now. Marshall: Hang on. It's Robin. She wants me to go to prom. Can Ted come? Ted: Wait! Don't ask! That's so lame! I don't even want to go anyway. Robin: Uh, I don't know. Things have been so weird between us. Ted: What'd she say? What'd she say? Robin: He lied and told me he broke up with his girlfriend to try to hook up with me. I mean, I know he apologized for it but it's just, it's not easy to forgive. Look, if you absolutely must bring Ted, it's, it's not like I'm going to claw my own eyes out if he comes. Marshall: Okay, bye. She totally wants you to come. At the prom Robin: All right, sheet music's on the way. Are you okay? Lily: There's just so much to do for this wedding. My head is swirling. It's just all moving too fast. [FLASHBACK] Scooter: How is it moving too fast? We've been together for two years. Lily: I just... I just don't want everything in my life to be decided already. Scooter: What's decided? I go to umpire school, you go to college. We move into my dad's house in Staten Island. We have kids, we grow old together. What's decided? It's wide open! Lily: Scooter, when I go off to college, that's the end for us. Scooter: You're, you're breaking up with me? Lily: There's still so much I want to do. I want to travel, live overseas as an artist, maybe have a lesbian relationship. Plus, I think I was just dating you 'cause you look a little bit like Kurt Cobain. Scooter: I can't believe this. I can change. I can look more like Kurt Cobain. Please, just don't leave me. I'm nothing without you, baby. Lily: Please don't put that kind of pressure on me! It's too much! [END OF FLASHBACK] Boy #2: It's just one dance, God! Lily: What? Robin: Well, we did promise them one dance. Lily: Yeah, sure, okay. So Andrew, what's your big plan? What's life going to be like after tonight? Andrew: Well, you know I got it all worked out. Uh, leave this place in my dust, four awesome years at college, and then I'll move to Prague or start my own video game company or something. Lily: No, you won't. Andrew: I won't? Lily: No, you won't accomplish anything you set out to. You'll get a girlfriend the first day of college and you'll give up your independence and you'll never live abroad and you'll wind up old before your time wondering "Whatever happened to my hopes and my dreams?" Andrew: Whoa. You really think I'll get a girlfriend? Boy #1: So, uh, what's the deal here? Am I getting lucky tonight? Robin: Oh, Sean, look, um, you're a nice guy, but I just don't... No, you're not getting lucky tonight. Giant Turtle: Okay, just be cool. Don't look at me. Ted: Okay. Giant Turtle: How'd you get in here? Marshall: What's it to you, giant turtle? Giant Turtle: It's me, Barney. Marshall: Oh, hey. Where's Lily? Barney: She's in the bathroom. Marshall: Wait here, I should go talk to the band. Ted: All right. Barney: How did you guys get in here? Ted: We just snuck in the back. Barney: You just snu... Are you serious? I've been trying to get in here all night. I finally paid a janitor 200 bucks to let me borrow this mascot costume. Ted: But you got in. Slow and steady won the race. Marshall: Hey, bro, have you seen my fiancée Lily? Andrew: Your fiancée? Whoa, tonight she's with me, bro. Unless you're looking for trouble. Marshall: Listen, little buddy, I understand it's prom and the adrenaline's pumping, but... Andrew: No, not tonight. I've waited too long for this. I finally got a girl and I'm not going to let you take her away from me. Marshall: Whoa, whoa. Look, let's not get carried away. Andrew: Yah! Nunchaku! Lily: I can't believe I unloaded like that on a high school senior. Robin: I can't believe a high school senior unloaded like that on me. I'm going to ask you something and, um, maybe it's crazy 'cause you guys are the cutest couple ever. But, um, are you having second thoughts? Lily: Yeah. But not about Marshall. About me. I just keep thinking about the girl I was ten years ago and wondering what happened to her. [FLASHBACK] Lily: I don't want to be tied down. I want to live in France and Spain and Italy and just soak up life and put it on a canvas, even if it means being a waitress in crappy cafés for five years, I don't care. I'm going to be a painter. And I can't do any of that with a, with a boyfriend shackled around my neck, you know? But anyway, I'm blabbering. Way to make new friends, Lily. I'm sorry. What was your name again? Man: Marshall. Lily: Nice to meet you, Marshall. Guess we're hallmates. Marshall: Yeah. Lily: It works. Marshall: Violent Femmes. I love this song. Lily: Me, too. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: I didn't have any of the experiences I set out to. The travel, the bohemian art life, my big lesbian experience. I didn't do any of it. Robin: Lily, you're marrying your best friend in the world. I mean, isn't that worth all the other experiences combined? Lily: Yeah. Robin: And look, you can still travel, I mean, you can still paint. And as far as your lesbian experience... Happy? Lily: Yeah. So field hockey, huh? Robin: Shut up. Outside Security guard #1: Trespassing, asault a minor. This mascot costume you stole cost $5,000. Security guard #2: We can have you guys arrested, you know that? Ted: Oh, come on-- you're the one who let in a kid with nunchakus. You call yourself security guards? I was just defending my boy here. Marshall: I totally could have taken that kid. Ted: Uh, yeah, and I totally had your back, so... Marshall: Well, I don't need it, but thanks. Ted: Uh, yeah, you did, and you're welcome. Marshall: No, the kid was totally, like, a white belt and I'm gigantic. Listen, guys, I'm sorry. Please, I just need to get in there for one more song. Security guards: Absolutely not. Barney: You guys will thank me for this later, okay? Listen, Don, Ray, can't we all...? (Barney takes the head of the turtle, and starts running away) Security guard #1: Hey! Ted: You know, for a turtle, he's surprisingly quick. Singer: This one goes out to that redhead girl and that tall guy. Ted: So how was your first prom? Robin: You tell me. I hated my dress, my date got wasted and puked on me, there was a huge fight and I kissed a girl. Ted: So, basically, it was a prom. Robin: Okay, I've missed you. Not in a we're-going-to-make-out way, not even in an I-forgive-you way. Just in a I've-missed-you way. Ted: I'll take what I can get. Barney: And that, my friends, is why you don't get your money's worth when you wear jeans to a strip club. Marshall: So you got to admit, The 88 are rocking our song. Lily: Yeah, it's good. Marshall: Band? Check. Two months, baby. Two months. Lily: Two months. [END]	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x20 - Best Prom Ever"}	foreverdreaming
Ted from 2030: Kids, life is a dark road. You never really know what's up ahead. One night you're cruising along enjoying the ride, and then all of a sudden, you're 28. At the Bar Waitress: And for the birthday boy, lasagna. Ted: Thank you. Waitress: Careful. The plate is very hot. Ted: 'Kay. Oh, go on, touch it. Lily: Ah! Sweet damn, that's a hot plate. Ted: All right, so, Barney, are you doing this or what? Robin: Oh, geez, Barney, don't do this. Barney: I have to, it's my birthday present to Ted. Marshall: You don't have to. Please, it's going to be embarrassing and we're going to have to stop coming here, which will suck... in addition to probably being kind of healthy. Ted: Come on, Marshall, it's the greatest pickup line of all time. Barney. Marshall: Oy, gevalt. Barney: Ah... Happy birthday, Ted. Ted: Whoo-hoo! (Barney stands up and approaches a woman) Barney: Uh, excuse me, has anyone ever told y... Oh, my God. Woman: What? Barney: Oh! Call an ambulance! Woman: What's going on? Barney: Try not to speak. Here, sit down. Just don't talk, don't talk. Waitress: Is she okay? Barney: I'm serious, call 911. Woman: What's wrong? What's the matter? Barney: Shh! Shh! Just don't move. Don't move. Just try... Here, have some water. Water! Here, drink this. Shh! Shh! Robin: You know, the more I watch this, the less convinced I am that it's the greatest pickup line of all time. Ted: Wait for it. Lily: 28. Two more 'til the big one, three-oh. Ted from 2030: Actually, my 30th birthday wasn't so bad. Well, except for the goat in my bathroom. Which is a great story. But I'll get to that later. Lily: Still, you know, another year older. Still single. You don't hear your Tedological clock ticking? Ted: Nope. I ht the snooze button. Robin: And here come the paramedics. Barney: Oh, thank God, you're here. Paramedic: What is going on?! Barney: I think there might be some internal bleeding. Probably some fractures. We got to get her to the hospital. Woman: What are you talking about? Barney: You've had a terrible fall. Woman: No, I haven't. Barney: Really? 'Cause I could swear you fell straight out of heaven. Angel... Give him your number. What? Give him your number. What? All: Give him your number. Barney: Come on, guys, you're embarrassing me. All: Give him your number. Barney: What are you...? Come on. They're not going to stop 'til you give me your number. Woman: All right! Barney: It works! Marshall: I cannot believe that she gave him her number. Robin: Maybe she really does have a brain injury. Barney: Thank you, everyone. Thank you, everyone. It's been fun. It's Wendy the waitress. Tip her well. Thanks a lot, guys. Troilus and Cressida. Neighborhood Playhouse. Check them out, they're good. Ted: I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky. I'm not going to settle. If I'm going to marry someone, she has to be perfect. Lily: Well, what's perfect? Ted: It's not like I have a list. Robin: Oh, yes, you do. Ted: Attractive, college-educated, she wants two kids-- a boy and a girl... Lily: That's not hard. I know at least... Ted: I'm not done. She likes dogs, Otis Redding, does the crossword. She's into sports, but not so much so that her legs are, like, more muscular than mine. That weirds me out. And she plays bass guitar like Kim Deal from the Pixies. Marshall: Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth. Ted: Any Kim from any cool band, really. Can't be too picky. Lily: You're never going to find this girl. Ted: Exactly. So I'm just going to wait for her to come to me. I am done trying to plan the unplannable. Marshall: So, what, you think fate's just going to take care of it? Ted: That's the plan. Ted from 2030: And little did I know, at that very moment, fate... in the form of a 600 gigahertz superprocessing computer... was taking care of it. At the appartment Ted: Whoa, you're up early. Lily: Yeah, thought I'd whip up some pancakes. Ted: Does Marshall know? Lily: He's still sound asleep. Marshall: Awesome. So awesome. God! Best girl ever. Screw these pancakes, I should cover you in syrup and gobble you up. Ted: Please don't do that. Hey, is this milk any good? Marshall: Oh, yeah, that totally got me yesterday. Ted: God, why didn't you throw it away? Lily: I'm going shopping after work. I'll pick up some milk. Marshall: Oh...! These pancakes are delightful. Lily: What's wrong, baby? Marshall: This is the high point of my day. Ted from 2030: It was true. See, Marshall had always dreamed of using his law degree to protect the environment. But he needed money for the wedding, so he'd been interning for two months at Barney's firm... and he hated every minute of it. Barney's office Marshall: Hey, Barney, I had some questions about filling out these requisition forms. Barney: Binoculars. Second pair on my desk. Marshall: I don't have time to be creepy, dude. I have a lot of work to do. Barney: Just take a look, will ya? Okay, corner office. Top floor. Check out that guy. Name's Clark Butterfield. He works over at Nicholson, Hewitt and West and every morning, he orders a sandwich from the deli downstairs. Marshall: So? Barney: So guess what I did to that sandwich? Here, I took a picture. Marshall: Oh! Sweet Lord. Barney: And now I'm e-mailing said picture to him. Marshall: Ooh! Duck! That is sick! Why would you do that? Barney: Who knows? This feud goes so far back I can't remember who fired the first sht. Marshall: You? Barney: Totally. Well, look, if you would just... help me fill out these forms, that would be great. Marshall: What? Barney: Butterfield is going to retaliate within the next four hours. That's been his pattern. This is wr, Eriksen. I need you to clear your schedule, call Lily, tell her you'll be home late. Marshall: This is stupid. Barney: Stu... Come on, man, I didn't recruit you to work here for your lawyering skills. I recruited you to be my executive mischief consultant. Marshall: This is a job for me, Barney. It's a way to make some extra wedding money, and that's it. Now I'm sorry, but I have work to do. Barney: Tracy, could you come in here, please? Would you please inform Mr. Eriksen that I'm no longer speaking to him. Tracy: Mr. Eriksen, Mr. Stinson is no longer... Marshall: I get it. Thank you, Tracy. At the appartment Ted: Hello? Man: Hello. May I speak with a Mr. Ted Mosby? Ted: Speaking. Man: Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir? Bob Rorschach over here at Love Solutions. You signed up for our services about six months ago. Ted: Uh, yeah. You guys never found me a match. Bob: Right. Well... actually, that's why I'm calling. We found her, sir. We found your soul mate. At Love Solutions Ted: I don't understand. What happened to Ellen Pierce? Doesn't she run this place? Bob: Well, my firm bought out the company. You know, we're a high-end meats and textiles conglomerate, but the geniuses at corporate decided they wanted to diversify, so... here I am. Ted: So I'm in good hands. You found me a match? Bob: There she is. Your soul mate. That'll be 500 bucks. Ted: No way. The last time I did this, the girl turned out to be engaged. Bob: She's not engaged. She's your soul mate. Just read the file. Ted from 2030: So I read the file. And by God, this woman was perfect. She liked dogs, she spent her summers in North Carolina, she played bass guitar, she did the Times crossword, she played tennis, she liked old movies, her favorite food was lasagna, her favorite book was Love in the Time of Cholera, her favorite singer was Otis Redding and she wanted two kids-- a boy and a girl. Ted: All right, fine. Set it up. Barney's office Marshall: You wanted to see me, so I guess that means we're talking again? Barney: Will you taste this latte for me? I think they gave me decaf. Marshall: Tastes normal to me. Barney: That's what I thought, too. Then I got this e-mail from Butterfield. Marshall: Oh, God! Barney: It got me as well. Marshall: Well, then why did you have me drink it?! Barney: Because now... you're in. Marshall: Okay. Don't think I'm overlooking the obvious fact that I should just be mad at you. But Executive Mischief Consultant Marshall Eriksen reporting for duty. Let's make that bastard pay. You think that we should brush our teeth first? Barney: Yeah, it's probably a good idea. In a bar Ted from 2030: So that night I had a blind date with my perfect match. I was so excited, I got there early. But before it even started... (Ted's phone starts ringing, he picks up) Ted: Lily? Lily: Hey, Ted, are you busy? Ted: Um... yes. Lily: Oh, right. Soul mate. Forgot. Listen, could you take a cab out to Duchess County and change a flat on Marshall's Fiero? Ted: What? What? No. Can't you just call Marshall? Lily: Marshall can't know about this. Look, Ted, it's dark, I don't know how to change a tire, and I've stumbled into the beginning of a very scary campfire story. Can you please hurry? Ted: I can't, I'm waiting... Lily: Oh, my God, is that a drifter with a hook for a hand? No, drifter, no! Ted: Come on, Lily. Lily: But you see my point. Ted: All right, stay there. I'm on my way. At Duchess County Ted from 2030: And so, one $90 cab ride later, I was in the middle of nowhere. Lily: Oh, thank God. I'm so sorry about this. Did you get ahold of your date? Ted: Yes. Lily: And was she okay about pushing it back? Ted: Yes. Because she's perfect. So what am I doing here? Lily: You can never tell Marshall. Ted: I won't. Lily: Ever. Swear. Swear on the lives of your unborn boy and girl. Ted: I swear on Luke and Leia. Lily: About a month ago, I started getting insomnia. Marrying Marshall had been all I wanted for a long time. But, now that it was really happening, it seemed kind of huge and scary. Ted: Did you talk to Marshall about it? Lily: He wouldn't have understood. He's not exactly nervous about tying the knot. So I spent my nights reading, painting, setting the high score on Super bmb Man... Ted: That was you? Awesome! Lily: I know! I just got in the zone and... Not the point of the story. And then I started thinking about Victoria and how she followed her dream to Germany, and I found that art fellowship. Ted: Let me guess. It's somewhere far away. Lily: San Francisco. But it's not like I'm going to do it. The dates conflict with the wedding. But I love painting, and I've always wondered if I'm any good. This was a way to find out. And the interview is tonight. In New Haven. Ted: You don't want to get married. Lily: Of course I want to get married. I... It's not like I was ever going to do it. I just... I just really wanted to see if I could get this. Ted: Lily, we live in the center of art and culture in America. I'm sure you could find a program here that's just as selective. But you chose one in a city 3,000 miles away, and you didn't tell Marshall. I think it's pretty clear what that means. Lily: Okay, I was... I was having second thoughts. But I'm not any more. I... I mean, this flat tire was a sign. I'm not supposed to do this. I'm supposed to go home and-and be with Marshall. You must think I'm so stupid. Ted: I don't think you're stupid. Lily: I love Marshall. Ted: I know you do. Come here. It's okay. Look... Marriage is big. You're allowed to freak out. Lily: But why am I the only one? How come Marshall isn't doing anything crazy? Barney's office Marshall: So all we need is one large shipping box and 100 white mice. At Duchess County Ted: All done. Lily: Ted, let's go to New Haven. Ted: Lily, don't do this to yourself. Lily: I just need to know if I can get in. If I do this interview, and get into the program, then I'll know, and I can forget all about it, and get married. Come on! It's an adventure. Ted: No, it's not an adventure. It's a mistake. Lily: Okay, yes, it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake. But there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake, and look back, and say, "Yep. That was a mistake." So, really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And, damn it, I've made no mistakes! I've done all of this-- my life, my relationship, my career-- mistake-free. Does any of this make sense to you? Ted: I don't know. You said "mistake" a lot. Lily, don't do this. Lily: Ted, I'm getting married in two months, and I'm freaking out, and you're my best friend, and you just have to forgive me for this. Ted: Forgive you for what? (Lily leaves with he car) Lily. Lily! Hey, Lily, this is Ted, the guy you left stranded by the side of the road. I just wanted to say good luck with the interview, remember to pick up some milk... Oh, and, when I get home, I'm going to k*ll you. And, also, I texted you the same thing. (He calls Barney) Hey, I need a big favor. Barney: Anything, bro. Ted: I need you to come up to Duchess County and pick me up. Barney: No. Ted: It's kind of an emergency. Barney: What are you doing in Duchess County? Ted: Apple picking. Can you just get up here? Barney: I wish I could help, buddy, but I'm stuck here at work. We're kind of swamped. Marshall: Is that Ted? Barney: Yeah. He's stuck in Duchess County. Marshall: Don't you have a big date tonight? Ted: Uh... Marshall. Hi. Yes. Yes, I do. Marshall: So what are you doing in Duchess County? Ted: Can't a brother go apple picking without getting the third degree? Damn! Marshall: Okay, well, hang on. I'm coming to get you. Ted: No! Marshall: Relax, man. I'll take the Fiero. Ted: No, no, no. Just... forget it. Ha, ha! A little prank. I'm not in Duchess County. Marshall: So that's the prank? That you're not in Duchess County? Ted: Yep. Gotcha! Classic! Gotta go. Barney's office Barney: Hey, check out this one. It actually looks like Butterfield. Marshall: You know, over at the NRDC, it's a bunch of really committed people who take their job of saving the earth very, very seriously. Which is great, and everything, but I can't imagine having this much fun over there. Barney: You thinking about coming to work here full-time? Marshall: Maybe. Don't tell Lily, okay? Tracy: Taking off for the night. Barney: Thanks, Tracy. Tracy: Are you guys planning on punching some holes in that box? Barney: Of course we are. Were you going to think of that? Marshall: No. Barney: That would have been bad. Marshall: Horrible. At Duchess County Ted from 2030: Luckily, there was still one person I could call to get a ride home. Robin: Need a ride, cowboy? Ted: Sorry. I don't get in vans with strangers. Robin: Hmm, too bad. I got candy. Ted: Candy?! Robin: So you're not going to tell me what you were doing by the side of a highway in Duchess County? Ted: Nope. Sworn to secrecy. Robin: Oh, come on. Ted: I like your hat. Robin: Right. This is embarrassing. I got highlights. Ted: Oh, for the waiting room of your dental practice? Highlights is a children's magazine. Robin: Yeah, I got it. I thought it might look cool. Of course my colorist took "highlights" to mean, "I want to look like a tiger," hence the hat. Ted: Oh. I gotta see this. Robin: No way. Ted: Please. I bet it doesn't look that bad. I bet it looks grr-eat! Robin: So, she says, changing the subject. Big date tonight. How does she rate on the Mosby checklist? Ted: Kind of amazingly. Uh, she's 28, like me. Robin: Wow, I'm 28. Hmm. Ted: Uh, college educated-- check. Plays tennis-- check. Uh, favorite book is Love in the Time of Cholera-- check. Robin: I read that. More like "Love in the Time of Don't Bothera." Ted: You know, it's very rude to wear a hat indoors. I'm just saying. Robin: We're not indoors. We're in a van. Ted: Vans have doors-- let me see your hair. Robin: Never. What else? Ted: She loves lasagna. Robin: Barf. Ted: You know, I am sensing a pattern here. Robin: What else? Ted: Let's see what else... Oh, she doesn't look like a tiger-- check. Robin: And she's looking to get married and have kids? Ted: Check and check. She wants two kids... a boy and a girl. Robin: Wow. You know, I've been thinking about this. I think I want to have zero kids. Ted: Really? You don't want kids? Robin: You know, Ted, not everyone is as much of a woman as you. Hey. I'm driving. Look at that. 8:56. You're early. Ted: Hey, thanks for picking me up. Robin: Good luck on your date. I hope she's everything you're looking for. Ted: Thanks. Robin: All right, you've clearly had a rough night. I want you to go in there with a smile on your face, so, uh, here's what I'm going to do. Ted: You're going to show me your hair? Robin: Actually, I was going to show you my breasts, but... sure, we can do hair. Ted: You just made my night. Robin: Go. (Ted gets out of the van et watch Robin leaving. He sees himself at his wedding, except Robin is not the bride) At the appartment Marshall: Tomorrow morning, Barney's going to send out the package, and Butterfield's going to be knee-deep in angry white mice. Oh, hey, dude. Ted: Hey, guys. Lily: Hi. Ted: Hey. So, Lil, did you, uh, get the milk? Lily: Yeah. Yeah, I-I got it. Ted: You think you might want to... drink the milk? Lily: No. Nope, I'm good. I don't need any milk. Marshall: Look, guys, I know milk is important-- it's got vitamin A, vitamin D, it's a great way to start the morning-- but Ted just had a huge date. How'd it go, dude? Ted: I didn't go. Marshall: What? Why? Ted: I changed my mind. I don't want to meet her. Marshall: Why? She sounds perfect. Ted: I don't want perfect. I want Robin. Marshall: Oh, God, not this again. Ted, it's a mistake. Ted: Maybe. But it's a mistake I have to make. Marshall: Wrong. It's a mistake you don't have to make. Look at the evidence. You and Robin have tried this again and again... Ted from 2030: Here's the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway. [FLASHBACKS] Lily: Ah, sweet damn, that's a hot plate. Ted: Hey, is this milk any good? [END OF FLASHBACKS] Ted from 2030: Even really really dumb mistakes. [END]	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x21 - Milk"}	foreverdreaming
Ted from 2030: It was May of 2006 in New York City and life was good. But everything was about to change. At the Bar Ted: So... what do you think? Barney: Robin again? Ted, the universe clearly does not want you and Robin to be together. Don't piss off the universe. The universe will slap you. Ted: But don't you think the universe has more important things to worry about than my dating life? Marshall: Unless your dating life is the glue holding the entire universe together... Whoa. Chills. Anybody else get chills? Ted: Look, I realize we've been down this road before, but the fact is, whatever I do, it all keeps coming back to Robin, so... I gotta do this. (Barney slaps him) Ow! What the hell? Barney: That wasn't me. That was the universe. Ted from 2030: The funny thing was, at that very moment, the universe was working on something... a storm. At Metro News One Weather man: And so tropical storm Willy is going to be with us at least until Monday. It's gonna rain cats and dogs, folks. So don't step in a poodle. Sandy? Robin? Robin: Thanks, Lou. Boy, too bad. Our big Metro News One camping trip was going to be this weekend. Sandy: Yeah, but camping out in the rain? No fun. Muddy. Yuck. Robin: Guess we'll have to take a rain check. Sandy: And we'll check in with you tomorrow, New York. Robin: Have a great night. Man: And, we're clear. Sandy: Bummer. I was hoping to finally have sex with you this weekend, Scherbotsky. Robin: Well, I'd give you the "I don't date coworkers" speech again, but, God, you must have that sum'bitch memorized by now. Sandy: Shame, though. It was a pretty hot show tonight. The rhythmic give and take of our improvised banter there at the end really got my freak juice flowing. At the Bar Marshall: Dude, he's right. How many times do you have to watch this crash and burn before you say, "enough"? Ted: One more. One more time. One more big, beautiful, stupid romantic gesture. And then, whatever she says, yes or no, that's it. If it's yes, great. If it's no, then I am done going after Robin forever. Lily: So what's this big, beautiful romantic gesture? Ted: I am going to make her... a mix CD. No, I'm kidding. I got a plan. Lily, I'm going to need the spare key to Robin's apartment. Barney: I see where this is going. Ted, waiting naked in a girl's bed wearing whipped cream undies does not work... usually. The setting-- Martha's Vineyard, 1999. The characters: Yours truly and a raven-haired au pair by the name... (Lily slaps him) Lily: Universe. So, this plan you speak of? Ted: Remember the first night Robin and I went out? I stole a blue French horn for her and it almost worked. Marshall: Yeah. Dude, that was awesome, but how are you ever going to top that? At Robin's appartment (Ted is waiting for Robin, with a small orchestra) Ted: She should be here any second. Musician: Uh, we're pretty hungry. When do we get our pizza? Ted: Enough with the... we'll go get pizza later, all right? Just... (On the other side of the entry door, Robin is looking for her keyes) Robin: Damn it. (Ted sees the keyes on the coffee table) Lily: Hello. Robin: Hey, Lily, I'm locked out of my apartment. I need to come pick up my extra key. Lily: Extra key? Do I have an extra key to your apartment? Robin: Yes, I gave it to you. Lily: Oh, right. That key. Yeah, I lost it. Robin: Great, now I gotta go to the locksmith. Lily: No, wait, uh... Maybe you should just knock. Robin: Knock? Lily, my dogs aren't that well trained. (Marshall comes in their appartment andlistens to the voice mails) Voice mail: Hello, Lily, this is Janet Kagan at the Russell House Art Foundation here in San Francisco. I'm pleased to inform you that we've accepted your application for our summer fellowship. We look forward to hearing from you. Bye-bye. Lily: Uh, Robin, I-I gotta go. Just knock, okay? Marshall: Summer fellowship? Robin: Just knock. Okay. (Robin knocks, and Ted opens the entry door) Ted: Hi. Robin: Hi. Ted: Robin... I've sort of said this already. I mean I've half said it. I've tried to say it, and I've said it badly. So this is me, just saying it. With strings. I'm crazy about you. I think we should be together. What do you say? What do you say? Robin: Yes. No. I don't know. Ted: Those are the three options. Robin: Ted, this is so... Ted: I know. Robin: I mean, I come home, I was going to watch Jeopardy and there's a string quartet and... I have to pee. Ted: Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, well, go ahead. We'll, uh, we'll wait. (Robin goes to the loo) Musician: Yeah, 'cause when we talked earlier, you said there'd be pizza. Ted: No, I said I'd get you a pizza afterwards. Look, could we talk about this later? I'm sort of professing my love here. Musician: Sure. We're not getting any pizza. (Robin comes back) Robin: Okay. Let's talk. Ted: Okay. Oh, hey, you guys want to take five? Robin: Thanks, guys. Just need a minute. Sort of a big life decision. Love the blue instruments, though. Kind of an inside joke. Thanks. (The musicians leave) You're crazy. Ted: Right. Come on. Robin: It's not that I haven't thought about this. You know that I have, but let's look at this, okay? We only just started being friends again. Ted: I know. But... come on... Robin: And we want different things. That's still there. That's not going away. I mean, what if we do this and it doesn't work out and I'd lose you as a friend? I gotta think about this. Ted: Okay, fine. Think about it on the plane. Let's go to Paris for the weekend. I'm serious. I'm kidding. I'm serious. Robin: I can't go to Paris, I'm going camping. Ted: I thought that thing was canceled. Robin: Well, it's back on. Ted: Since when? Robin: Since like an hour ago. [FLASHBACK] Weather man:..sending the storm back out into the Atlantic. So it's blue skies this weekend. Sandy? Robin? Sandy: Thanks, Lou, but that blue sky isn't without at least one cloud. I'm sorry to announce that one week from today I will be leaving Metro News One. It has been an honor to bring you the news each night, and read the paper to you each morning. I will always treasure it. Good night, New York. Man: And we're clear. Robin: You're leaving? Sandy: There. I quit my job. We're not coworkers. Will you please have dinner with me? I'm joking. I got offered a job at CNN. Robin: Oh, congratulations. Sandy: Congratulations yourself. Robin: What do you mean? Sandy: Well, Joel asked me who I thought should replace me as lead anchor. I told him you. They're announcing it next week. Act surprised. Robin: Wow. Thanks. And, yes. Sandy: Yes, what? Robin: Yes, let's go get dinner. Sandy: How about this weekend on the camping trip? I roast a mean weenie. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Oh, you're kidding me. No way. Don't go on this thing. Robin: Ted, I have to go. It's a company camping trip. Ted: Really? Because it also kinda sounds like a date. With Sandy... and his weenie. I mean is this not a date? Robin: I don't-I don't know. Ted: So, what? You actually like this guy now? Robin: I don't know. Ted: Are you gonna hook up with him? Robin: I don't know. Ted: Yes, you do. Robin: No, Ted, I don't. And you know what? That's okay. I don't plan out every second of my life like you do. Ted: I don't plan out every... Robin: Oh, really? What is all of this? I mean, why can't you just say, "Hey, Robin, let's go get some sushi?" No, it has to be a-a string quartet and-and Paris and flowers and chocolates and let's spend the rest of our lives together. Ted: Don't you think we're a little bit past sushi at this point? God, you are so terrified of anything real. It's like you're floating out in space. Touch the ground, Robin. Live in the world, make a mistake. Make this mistake. Robin: I need to think about this. Ted: Fine. Robin: No, I'm sorry, I... I can't do this anymore. I need an answer. Ted: If you want me to say yes right now, I-I can't do that. Robin: Well, if it's not yes, then it's a no. Ted: Then I guess it's not meant to be. At the Bar Barney: Nice try, buddy. Good hustle out there. Marshall: Look at the bright side. At least you got some closure. She's made her choice and you can finally move on. Ted: Screw that. This ain't over. Marshall: Ted, you sat here in this very booth and you said... Ted: I don't care what I said. This is gonna happen. She can't say it's not meant to be. It is meant to be, and you know why? 'Cause I mean it to be. (Ted goes away, Barney is following him) Lily: Unpause? Marshall: Unpause. Ted from 2030: Let's pause. See, Marshall and Lily had a rule that at any point during a fight they could pause and take a break. Their fights often lasted for days. Marshall: A painting fellowship? Lily: I was never going to take it. Marshall: In California? Lily: I was never going to take it. Barney: Ted, she is going on that camping trip. Dude, barring some act of God, Robin's gonna be with Sandy this weekend. Ted: Fine. If an act of God is what it takes, then an act of God it is. Barney: What are you talking about? Ted: I'm gonna make it rain. I can't let Robin go camping with this guy. So how do I keep that from happening? Simple... I make it rain! Barney: Ted, do you want me to slap you again? 'Cause I kind of enjoyed it the first time. Ted: Look, I-I might be crazy right now... No, you know what? I am definitely crazy right now, but I have a plan. That girl you used to go out with, Penelope, wasn't she getting her PhD in Native American culture? Barney: Yeah. Ted: Are you still in touch with her? Barney: Sure. I mean, even though we stopped having sex, we still get together, like, once a month to chat and catch up, and of course I'm not in touch with her! Ted: Well, you're gonna need to get in touch with her. She's gonna teach me how to do a rain dance. Barney: Did you just say a "rain dance"? Ted: Yes. Barney: A rain dance. Ted: Yes. Barney: A dance to make it rain. Ted: Yes. (Barney slaps him once again and Ted slaps him back. Barney tries again to slaps Ted but he stops him) We're finding Penelope! Barney: No, we are not! Ted: Yes, we are! Barney: Ted, you're forcing me to be the voice of reason, and it's not a good look for me! (They both leave the Bar) Inside a library Penelope: Why the hell should I help you? Barney: Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did... have a relationship. Penelope: We had sex twice in your car, and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship? Barney: Twice! Penelope: Barney, there is no way... Barney: Shh! Penelope: Seriously, come on. Ted: Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend. Penelope: Why? Ted: There's this girl... Penelope: "There's this girl." You know, the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the Great Spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid. Ted: Penelope, this is the girl I love. If it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy. Please. Penelope: This wrong guy, is he a huge jackass? Ted: Absolutely. Penelope: Kind of like Barney? Ted: Kind of. Barney: Hey. Penelope: You ht on my mom! Barney: We weren't exclusive! Penelope: I'm in. Ted from 2030: And so the three of us headed up to the roof of my building. On top of the roof of Ted's building (Barney is drinking a beer while Penelope is teaching Ted how to dance a rain dance) Penelope: Okay. Crouch down and bend over a little bit. Barney: Wow, it took five shts of tequila to get you in that position. Penelope: I will throw you off this roof. Barney: There's so much of your mom in you. Robin is at the veterinary with her dog Robin: And she's been throwing up ever since. Veterinary: So how'd she manage to eat so much chocolate? Robin: Remember that guy, Ted, that I was telling you about? Well, I came home and I found him waiting in my apartment with a string quartet and roses and chocolates... Veterinary: Oh, that's so sweet. Robin: Okay, yes, it's sweet in theory, but isn't it also kind of crazy? I mean, a string quartet in my living room... who does that? Veterinary: Nobody does that. Robin: Exactly. Veterinary: No, honey... nobody does that. But I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic. I'm gonna put my hand up your dog now. At the appartment (Marshall and Lily are fighting) Lily: So you're saying you would forbid me from going? Marshall: Forbid? Who said forbid? I was just reminding you that there's this wedding coming up in a couple of months, and I was kind of hoping you'd save the day. Look for me... I'll be the guy in the awesome suit. Come on, Lily. It's what you've always wanted. Lily: Yeah, but there's a lot of things I've always wanted, and I haven't done any of them. I'm sorry. I just need to do this before settling down forever. Marshall: So now we've gone from "I was never gonna do it" to "I need to do this"? Did I leave the room at some point? When did that happen? Lily: Oh, maybe when you said you wouldn't let me do it. Marshall: I never said that! You know, if you're having these kind of doubts now, what's gonna change in three months? Maybe we just shouldn't get married at all. Lily: Maybe not. Marshall: Pause. Lily: So, are you just, like, starving? Marshall: Totally. Red Lobster? Lily: Oh, lobster, lobster, lobster, you are delicious! Marshall: Oh, God, I love butter sauce! There's nothing bad about it. Say something bad about butter sauce, I dare you. Lily: I wouldn't dare. (Marshall starts crying) Marshall, no. We're on pause. There's no crying in Pauseland! Pauseland is a magical place, with... with popcorn shrimp mountains and butter sauce rivers! Damn it! Waiters: Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy birthday, happy, happy, happy, happy, appy, happy birthday, happy, happy... On top of the rooftop of Ted's building (Ted is dancing) Barney: Ted, this is funny. Still funny. Still fu... And now it's sad. Ted: Hey, Penelope, you sure I'm doing this right? Penelope: I think so. Ted: Does it, uh, look anything like a real rain dance? Penelope: I think so. Ted: Hey, Penelope, have you, uh, have you ever actually seen a rain dance performed? Penelope: No. Ted: No? Penelope: I've read extensively on the subject: firsthand accounts, theoretical criticism, the anthropological... Ted: Have you ever seen a rain dance? Penelope: I've seen a film strip. Ted: Terrific. Uh, look, I should run. I'm getting brain surgery from some guy who's seen a couple episodes of E.R. I can't believe this. We've been up here for the past hour making complete asses of ourselves. Penelope: What do you mean "we," white man? At the appartment Marshall: How did we get here? Couple of days ago, the biggest problem in my life was, did Ted eat the last pudding snack pack in the fridge. Lily: I think there's still one left. Marshall: Dibs. Lily: Unpause? Marshall: Unpause. Lily: Look... I know this sucks. It's just something I'm going through. I'm not asking you to understand it. I'm not asking you to be happy about it. I'm just asking you to support it. Marshall: I want to, Lily, okay? I really do. But I just can't. Lily: Why not? Marshall: Because you're scaring the hell out of me, that's why not. What if you decide to go be a painter and then you realize I don't fit in to your life anymore, and three months becomes forever? Can you promise me that that's not gonna happen? Lily: Marshall... Marshall: 'Cause if you can't promise me that, we shoul just break up right now. I'm not gonna wait around for three months just to have my heart ripped out. Lily: Marshall, I love you. Marshall: Can you promise me that that's not gonna happen? Lily: Pause. Marshall: No, Lily, we cannot pause this anymore. Can you promise me that that's not gonna happen?! Lily: Pause! Marshall: Why do you want me to pause?! (She throws herself on him et kisses him) That's just a great use of the pause function, baby. Lily: Thank you. On top of the rooftop of Ted's building Barney: Hey, Ted. Whatcha doing? Ted: A rain dance. Barney: Dude, that's not a rain dance, that's a fat kid with a bee in his pants. Ted: Look, I highly doubt the Great Spirit is a stickler for choreography. It's the thought that counts. She's leaving in half an hour. Barney: These are your awesome years. You're wasting them on this girl. This isn't gonna work! Ted: Yeah. I know that. Barney: Well, then why are you doing this? Ted: Because I love her. I love her! I told her that the first night we went out, and here it is, eight months later, and nothing's changed. So yes, I know this isn't gonna work. But it has to work! You hear me, universe? This is Ted Mosby talking! Give me some rain! Come on! Come on! Come on...! (Rain starts falling down) Barney: Oh, come on! In the street Weather man: Pushing the front back into the Tri-State area and giving Manhattan one of its worst storms in over a decade. At the Bar Barney: How about that? He did it. (Barney and Penelope kiss) In front of Robin's building (Ted goes out of a taxi et calls Robin while the rain is still falling down) Ted: Robin! Hey, Robin! (Robin opens up her window) Oh, thank God you're here! Robin: My camping trip got rained out. Ted: I know. I'm sorry. Robin: It's not your fault. Ted: Yeah, it is. Come down here. Robin: It's pouring. You come up. Ted: No, you have to come down here. Robin: Why? Ted: Why? Because I made it rain, that's what I did today! And that's enough. I-I've done my part. Now, get down here! Robin: I'm not dressed, Ted. No. Come up. Ted: I'm not coming up there, Robin, I'm not. You have to come down here! (She closes her window, opens her entry door et finds Ted there) Robin: I was gonna... Ted: I know. (They kiss) Ted from 2030: And that's how Robin and I ended up together. Turns out, all I had to do was make it rain. As I rode home the next morning, the city looked the same, the people looked the same. It all looked the same. But it wasn't. In just one night, everything had changed. (Ted arrives in front of his building and finds Marshall sitting down the stairs, with Lily's engagement ring in his hand) [END]	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "01x22 - Come On"}	foreverdreaming
Year 2030 Ted: OK, where was I? It was June 2006 and life had just taken an unexpected turn. Ted's daughter:Can't you just skip ahead to the part where you meet Mom? I feel you've been talking for like a year Ted: Honey, all this stuff I'm telling you is important. It's all part of the story. Ted's son: Can I go to the bathroom? Ted: No. The summer of 2006 was both wonderful and awful. For me, it started out great. (In 2006, Ted and Robin are kissing after the rain dance) In fact, day one was amazing. I'd finally gotten together with Robin. But while I'd been off having one of the best nights of my life, your Uncle Marshall had been having one of the worst nights of his (Ted finds Marshall on their stairs, holding in his hand Lily's engagement ring). Year 2006 (Before Ted arrives, Marshall and Lily are in the apartment, arguing) Marshall: So that's it? We're breaking up? Lily: Marshall, I'm sorry. I just... I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and figure out who I am outside of us. And the only way that I can do that is if we don't talk for a while. Marshall: For a while? Try never, OK? You walk out that door and we're done. You're never gonna hear my voice again. Later, Ted joined Marshall. Marshall: I should call her. Ted: No! No! If you call her, when she asked you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Now, listen. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face. Marshall: You're a good friend Ted. (Robin arrives.) Robin: Hey! So, did you hear the big news? Ted: You mean how Lily and Marshall broke up and Lily is gone and nothing else even remotely important happened last night? Yeah, I think he knows. Robin: Oh my god! I... I'm so sorry. What happened? Marshall: Well, she left. And I don't even know if she's coming back. (Barney arrives.) Barney: I didn't get your message until I woke up. Bro, I am so sorry. Marshall: Thanks. Barney: I know it must be tough. But are you ready to hear something that will not only make you feel better but will actively excite you? Marshall: Sure. Barney: For the first time ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day boys and it's going to be legendary! Together, we will own this city. Any time, a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge-drinking, we will be there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo sticking their heads out, shouting "What's up New York?" we will be what is up New York! Gentlemen, we are about to embark on... (While he's speaking, Barney looks at Ted and then at Robin). Oh man, you guys did it, didn't you?! CREDIT TITLES Ted from 2030: One thing I learned that summer is that when love is beginning (Ted and Robin are making out) and love is ending (Lily is leaving the apartment, leaving Marshall alone) the first thirty days are remarkably similar. (DAY ONE, Ted and Robin are in bed after they had sex) For one thing, you spend most of the time in bed (Marshall is in his bed groaning // DAY EIGHT, Ted and Robin are at MacLaren's with Barney, kissing and laughing. Barney seems to kll himself, miming a gn in his mouth) Your friends can't stand to listen to you (DAY SIXTEEN, Barney is with Marshall who is crying and says "It was a really beautiful song". Barney mimes a rope around his neck). And you never seems to wear pants. (DAY TWENTY-TWO, at the apartment, Robin is going to the bathroom only wearing a T-shirt while Marshall is wallowing on the couch in underpants. Ted, in underpants too, comes out of his room). Ted: Hey Marshall. Marshall: Hey Ted. Ted: Are you hungry? Marshall: What's the point? I could it some food, it's just gonna leave me. Ted: At least in that scenario, you get to do the dumping. Come on, it's Sunday, it's pancakes day! Marshall: Lily always made the pancakes. God, I loved her pancakes. So soft. So warmed. So perfectly shaped. Ted: Are we still talking about her pancakes? Come on, you gotta eat something. What can I get you? Marshall: Beer. Ted: No, that's what you had for dinner. Marshall: Fine. Than I'll just have the leftover (He pulls a beer out of the couch) DAY THIRTY-ONE, Ted, Robin and Barney are at MacLaren's. Barney: So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be down here celebrating. He's free. He got that red-head-tumor removed. Ted: You should write and illustrate children's books. Barney: You know what Marshall needs to do? He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story. Ted: It's only been a month. He just needs to goat his own pace. Anyway, lily is the one who caused this whole mess. Robin: Hey, cut her some slack! She's our friend too. She's just trying to figure out who she is. Ted: Figure out who she is? She should call me. I got a whole list. She's selfish, she's immature, she's... Robin: What? Ted: God, your eyes are so blue. Robin: Teddy bear... (They kiss, Barney mimes his death with a sword. Ted and Robin look at him and keep kissing) Ted from 2030: Yeah it was hard to feel too bad. I was dating the woman of my dreams and things were going great. Well, for the most part. (Ted and Robin are watching TV, Marshall comes out of the bathroom, a bottle of shampoo in his hand). Marshall: So, I find her shampoo. I guess she left it here. It smells like her. Like lavender and seashells. Hope. Somehow erotic and comforting all at the same time. Robin: That's my shampoo. Marshall: Oh. Sorry. Ted and Robin are in Ted's bedroom, making out. Robin: I thought he's never go to sleep. Ted: Uh-oh. Robin: Already? Ted: He's calling her. Dammit! Robin: I don't hear anyth...Ted (going out of the bedroom): He's calling her! (Tackling Marshall) Argh! Marshall: Oh! OK, you're right. I won't call her. I will not call her. Marshall comes in the bathroom, Ted and Robin are taking a shower together. Marshall: Well, I called her. And get this, she changed her number. Well like I'm gonna stalk her or something? Like she's so special?! Like she's the only Lily Aldrin out there? 'Cause there are four others in the San Francisco area alone, and they all seem a lot better than her, based on the brief conversations I had with them! Robin (to Ted): Does he know I'm in here? Marshall: Yeah. Hey Robin. Anyway, one of the Lily Adrins... At MacLaren's. Robin: This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating. We agreed we don't wanna move too fast and yet somehow we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night... Barney: Have you tried breast-feeding? Nailed it! Ted: They were together nine years. It's only been a month and a half. He just needs to go his own pace. Robin: He slept on our floor last night Ted. Ted: He watched a scary movie. Robin: It is time for some tough love. We need to get him out of that apartment. He needs fresh air. He needs sunshine. Barney: Mmm. Sunshine. DAY FORTY-ONE, in a strip club. Man: Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Sunshine! Marshall: Barney, I really don't think this is gonna help. Barney: Do you know why you're not over Lily yet? It's 'cause you can still picture her naked. You can't get over a woman until you can no longer picture her boobs. It's a scientific fact. The average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images, or BPEGs and your hard drive's filled to capacity with Lily's. Marshall: There are a lot of them. Barney: They won't go away until you overwrite them with images of other women's boobs. Now, this journey may take as many as a million boobs so we begin here tonight my friend. Two at the time. Those count as four. DAY FORTY-FOUR, at a base-ball game. Ted: Yeah, this is fun, right? We're outside, it's a beautiful day. The Indians are winning! Marshall: I gotta admit, it is really nice to be outside. Man: Yankee's fans, please turn your attention to the Diamond Vision for a special seventh-inning-stretch surprise. Ted: Oh, no. (A man is proposing to his girlfriend. Marshall stands up and throws a hotdog at the engaged couple.) Marshall: It's all a big lie! She's just gonna break your heart! (Men drag Marshall out of the stadium) You can drag me outta here, but she has no soul! DAY FORTY-SIX, at MacLaren's. Ted: We've tried everything. Baseball, strippers. The guy still won't eat a damn pancake. I think he's beyond repair. Robin: See, this is the problem with guys, you don't know how to deal with heartbreak. Barney: So what's your prescription, Dr Oestrogen? Eat Häagen-Dazs and Watch Love actually until your periods sync up? (Ted and Barney laugh) At a shting-range, Robin is shting. Robin: Yeah, that's the stuff. Marshall: Oh my God! How long have you been doing this? Robin: My Dad taught me to sh*t when I was a kid. Now, whenever I'm feeling lonely or depressed, I come here and it reminds me that... gn are fun! Marshall: Um, you know, Ted is kinda against gn.Robin (turning to Marshall, her gn still in her hand): That's why Ted never gonna find out about this. Whoa! That sort of got scary with me holding a gn, didn't it? No, I just mean, please don't tell Ted. You wanna try? Marshall: Only hell, yes. Oh yeah, yeah. This is what I needed. I felt so powerless this whole time but this... This is power, this is... (He sht and falls down) Robin: I should have mention the recoil. At MacLaren's. Ted: I'll hand it to you. When he got home, Marshall was smiling. Did you sleep with him? 'Cause I was actually like three days away from suggesting that. Robin: Sometimes, all you need is to get in touch with your feminine side. (We see Marshall shting and laughing maniacally ) Ted: Well, congratulations. You're the first person to cheer him up all summer. You win. Robin: Oh! What do I win? Ted: I'll tell what you win. I'm taking you away this weekend. Robin: You are? That's so nice! Ted: My aunt and uncle have a beach house at Montauk. It's really romantic. My uncle had, like, three affairs there. Robin: Wow, it must be a nice house. I saw pictures of your uncle. This is so great. We'll finally get some time alone. Are you sure Marshall is gonna be OK with this? DAY FIFTY-FIVE, at the apartment. Marshall: Yeah sure. Absolutely. Dude, I'm doing much better. In fact, take my car. Ted: Really? Hey, thanks. And hey, if you need anything, day or night, just call me. You know what? Please don't call me. What? What's wrong? Marshall: It's Lily's credit card bill. She must have forgotten to switch her address. Ted: So? Marshall: I wonder what kind of charges she's making out there. Ted: No, no. No good can come from looking at this. You've made too much progress already. Marshall: I know, but I just... DAY FIFTY SIX, at MacLaren's. Marshall is holding Lily's credit card bill which he stuck back together. Marshall: August 5, one charge - tickets. To what? George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars. August 10, one charge, Tennis Emporium. August 18, two charges. Mario's bistro and - get this - Pet Palace. You guys see what it means right? Marshall daydream, in San Francisco. Lily: Wow, Mario's bistro. What a perfect place to whore around. George Clinton: Only the best for my little Lily Pad. Lily: Oh funk legend George Clinton, I am so glad you spotted me at your concert an drag me on stage to dance with you Courteney Cox style. George Clinton: I am so glad you agreed to play tennis with me. Lily: Oh you know, Marshall tried to get me to play tennis for nine years but I didn't do it because I never truly loved him. George Clinton: I got you a gift. Lily: Oh! A ferret. I'll buy it some food next door at the Pet Palace. I've always wanted one, but Marshall have this secret phobia of ferrets. George Clinton: I bet that's something he made you promise to tell nobody. Lily: It was! Oh, I love you funk legend George Clinton. George Clinton: I love you too, Lily. That's right Marshall, she's all mine. Now I'm gonna let her play with my hair. Back at MacLaren's. Ted: That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Robin: Yeah. Why are you afraid of ferrets, they are adorable. Marshall: Because, Robin, they are like fuzzy tube-shaped rats. Barney: Those charges are from a month ago. Ted: Exactly! Barney: For new charges, you have to go to her online account. You can see credit card activity from like two hours ago. But... You know... Don't... (Marshall leaves the bar, running). Ted: Why do you talk? Why do you talk? At the apartment. Barney: He needs her password. Its not like he has her password. Ooh, he has her password. This is... He has her password. Marshall: There is a charge from earlier today. The Kellet Hotel, on Fifth. I don't believe this. Lily is back in New-York. (...) I can't believe this. Lily's in New-York? I guess I'd been thinking when she got back she's call me. That's the only reason I've been able to hold it together so far this summer. Robin (to Ted): This has been holding in together? Marshall: OK, you know what? I'm calling her. Ted: No! You're not calling her. This changes nothing. (To Barney) You, come here. (Barney and Robin follow Ted in the kitchen). While we're away this weekend can you keep an eye on him? Make sure he doesn't call her hotel. Barney: You want me to baby-sit him? 20 bucks. An hour. And money for pizza. Ted: Um yeah. How about you do it for free or every time we hang out you have to watch this. (To Robin) Come here my little baby. (Ted and Robin are making out) Barney: OK, I'll do it! Stop being a couple. Robin: Marshall! Ted: Marshall! Marshall! (Back in the living room) Marshall: Ted, I know I shouldn't do this but I have to! Ted: Everything we've worked so hard for...! Marshall: Hello, Lily Aldrin's room please. Thank you. Ted: Hang up now! Marshall: Ted, I can't hang up now. Ted: Hang up now! Hang up now! Hang up now! Hang up! Marshall: Hello?! (He hangs up) A guy answered. There is... There is a guy in her room. I'm going down there. Barney: No! Ted: Dude, you can't... Marshall: I have to go down there and I have to tell her I love her. I have to beg to take me back even if I have to tell on my knees. Robin: Marshall, you can't do that! Marshall: Really? Why not? Ted from 2030: 56 days. That's how long it took me to get right about here. Ted: Because you're pathetic! I'm sorry. But right now, you are not Marshall. You are the miserable, whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of Marshall and frankly, a guy like you doesn't have a sht in hell with a girl like Lily. You know who might have a sht somewhere down the line? Marshall. The real Marshall. But if you go down there now like this, you'll blow it for him and he's never gonna forgive you. Of course, whatever I say, you just will do the opposite so, have a great weekend, good luck screwing up your life. Come on, Robin... Is it still OK if we borrow the car? Barney: Bold. Bold to go for the car. In the car. Ted: What? Robin: I didn't say a thing. Ted: You think I was too hard on him. Robin: I didn't say a thing. Ted: I can't believe you're accusing me to be too hard on him. You're the one who said tough love. Robin: Yeah, tough love, not hand the guy a noose. Ted: Oh, but it's OK to hand him a 9 mm? Yeah. He told me. So you're a gn nut? Robin: No, I'm a gn enthusiast. Ted: Do you know how many people are klled... Robin: The Second Amendment protects my right to bear arms... Ted: Alright, alright. I was too hard on him. Robin: A little. Ted: I'm gonna call Barney, see how they're doing. [Phone call] Barney: Barney. Ted: Uh, hey. Where are you guys? Barney: We're at a fundraiser helping young women raise money for college. Ted: Strip-club. Nice. Is Marshall OK? Barney: Yeah, he's here and he's great. Hang on. Marshall, tell Ted... Uh-oh. Stripper: Already? Ted: What? What uh-oh? Barney: He's gone. Ted: You lost him? I can't believe it! He's gonna go down to that hotel. Barney: Crap, you're right. OK, here is the plan. Here is the plan. You go down to the hotel and find him. I'll stay here and get a lap dance. Bye Ted! Ted: Barney![End of the phone call] Robin: Is there a hot tube at your uncle's place? Ted: A really nice one. At Lily's hotel. Ted: Hi. Uh, could you tell me what room Lily Aldrin's in? Thanks. Marshall! Marshall: Hey. Ted: What happened? Marshall: Well, I went up to Lily's floor... [Flashback] Marshall:...and I had this little speech in my head. Everything I've been wanting to say to her all summer about love, loyalty, respect. I knocked on the door. (A man is opening the door and Marshall is punching him in the face). [End of flashback] Ted: You knocked out Lily's new boyfriend? Marshall: Yeah. It wasn't Lily's boyfriend. Ted: What? Who was he? Ted from 2030: His name was Joey Adalian. He went by a number of aliases as an identity thief. Apparently, earlier in the summer... [Flashback] Lily: Oh, this is so embarrassing. I could've sworn I have some change. I know, I know, I'm sorry. Oh, here we go. No that's, that's a button... It was a button. Do you take credit cards? Waiter/Joey Adalian: Yes, I do.[End of flashback] Ted: So Lily is not back in town and she doesn't have a boyfriend. That's good news, right? Marshall: Yeah. I don't know. Those credit card charges were the only remaining connection I had to her. I don't know where she is or what she's doing. She was my whole life man and now she's... She's gone. Ted: You know, first day at college, I showed up, I was so freaked out and I got up to my room and there was my roommate, lying on the bed with his feet up on the wall. He had headphones on, a big smile on his face like he just didn't give a crap. Happy. Confident. Not afraid of anything. That guy was you. You before you met Lily. Marshall: Ted. Ted: Yeah. Marshall: I was high that day. I was. I was so high I thought you were the dean. Ted: What I'm saying is, there's a version of you without Lily and... It's not this. You can't let Lily stole your identity the way that guy stole hers. Marshall: OK.OK! Resolved. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start being OK. Cheers. Ted: Cheers. DAY FIFTY-SEVEN, at the apartment.Ted from 2030: But it wasn't. 'cause that's no how life works. The next day he found one of her socks or something and we were back to square one. And then, one morning... DAY SIXTY-SEVEN, still at the apartment. Robin: Ted. Ted you should see this. Ted: Oh, what now? Marshall? What are you doing? Marshall: It's Sunday. It's pancakes day. Ted from 2030: It took him 67 days and one really disgusting batch of pancakes, but Marshall had come back from the dad. Because while baseball, strippers and gn can help, the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time. (Lily is at the door of MacLaren's. Seeing Marshall, Barney, Ted and Robin laughing, she half-turns.)	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x01 - Where Were We?"}	foreverdreaming
Ted from 2030: Marshall and Lily have together for nine wonderful years until she dumped him and ran off to San Francisco. The healing process was taking a long time. Then, one night he made a giant leap forward. At MacLaren's. Robin: Alright, see you guys later. Ted: I'll walk you out. Marshall: See ya. Barney: You just checked out Robin's ass. Marshall: What? No. I... Barney, I was... Barney: Dude, that's awesome! You're finally forgetting about that short redhead. Marshall: Lily. Barney: Yes, Lily, thank you. That was gonna drive me crazy all night. Hey, Ted! Marshall's just checked out your girlfriend's ass. Marshall: I did not Ted... Ted: Awesome! You're finally getting better. Barney: This is the moment I've been waiting for. Starting tonight, I'm gonna teach you how to live. Ted, you're out of chance, Marshall's in. Ted: Yes! Marshall: Oh, God! Barney: Marshall, being a single guy in New York city is like... Pfff... What does everybody like? Marshall: Candy. Barney: Yeah! It's like being in a candy store. You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers. Yeah. Is Whoppers the best ones? Ted: Mounds. Barney: Milk Duds. Ted: Gobstoppers. Barney: Um... Ted from 2030: This went on for another hour. I'll just skip to the end. Ted: Dubble Bubbles. Barney: Nice! Marshall, we're doing this. I am not taking no for an answer. Marshall: Fine. Ted (on the phone): Hey Robin. Marshall checked out your ass. Marshall: Ted, what is wrong with you? Robin (on the phone): He checked out my ass? Hey, tell him thanks. I felt like I was having a bad ass day. Cool. See ya. Robin reaches her apartment. Lily is on her landing. Robin: Lily. Lily: It is a great ass. CREDIT TITLES Ted from 2030: None of us had seen Lily in three months. There were so many unanswered questions, so many things to say. Robin: Your hair is adorable! Lily: Thank you! (They hug) At MacLaren's.Ted from 2030: Meanwhile, Barney was taking Marshall out to meet women for the first time since he was 17. Barney: Hi. Have you met Marshall? Woman: Hi. Marshall: Hi. Look how sweaty my hands are! It's weird, right? Uh, sweat. Like this... Smelly water coming out of your skin. It was nice meeting you. Barney: I-I-I Hate to interrupt but, uh... Do you like magic? Woman: Umm... I guess. (Barney makes a trick, Umm, I guess is writing on his hand). Oh my God! (Barney does it again, Oh my God! appears on his hand) Anyway, Marshall here is awesome. Salad in a bag? His idea! In a snack bar. Barney: Dude, you were awesome last night. You were charming, you were funny. You were totally working that girl. Marshall: You went home with her! Barney: Yes, I did. But she told me that if it wasn't for me you would've had a sht with her. So in hypothetical terms, you scored last night! All right! Hypothetical high five! Nice! Tonight, we're gonna go to the bar... Marshall: Barney, no, I'm not going out with you ever again. Barney: Come on! I'll teach you all my strategies! Marshall: Oh, really? Barney: My favorite, number seven. Create a mystery about yourself. That way, they become so intrigued that they have to hang out with you all night. Marshall: Oh, come on. Does that really work? Barney: Maybe it does and maybe it doesn't. Marshall: Dammit that's intriguing! OK, I'm in. At the apartment, Robin arrives. Robin: You've gotta hear this. Ted: You will not believe what just happened. Robin: You go first. Ted: I find a 1939 penny on the subway. Just imagine the history this little copper guy's seen... Robin: Lily is back in town. Ted: And you let me go first?! Have you seen her? Robin: Uh, yeah. I actually went apartment hunting with her today. Ted: How is she doing? Robin: You're not gonna like it. [FLASHBACK] Lily: I am doing great. This summer, best thing ever. San Francisco is so happening right now. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: She's happy? Marshall had the worst summer of his life and she's happy. And I suppose her art program was fulfilling or whatever. [FLASHBACK] Lily: Oh, the art program, best thing ever. In San Francisco, Lily is painting. Man: Oh my God, this is your best work. In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so... Needless to say, this is art! I can't teach you anything. (The man is giving Lily his paintbrush). In New-York, with Robin. Lily: But the best part of SF - oh that's what we call San Francisco - the people. Even just riding around on the bus all summer, it was like a human tapestry. In San Francisco, in a bus.Man 1: Hi, I'm Mike. I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure writer travel. Woman: I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. Yeah! Man 2: I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. You are stunning, by the way. In New-York. Robin: Wow, I am so happy for you. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Oh, she's such a... godda... God! After what she did to Marshall, she should come back here devastated. Crawling over the broken glass of her own shame and regret. Robin: You never chose sides. I respect that. Ted: She's unbelievable! Unbelievable! (Marshall arrives.) Marshall: Unbelievable? What's unbelievable? Ted: Uh, listen Marshall... Robin: Ted found a penny on the subway and it's old and that's interesting. Marshall: Way to go. (Marshall goes into his bedroom.) Ted: OK, first of all, that is interesting. Second, we have to tell him. Robin: No, we don't. He's just starting to get better. Going out with Barney. How do you think he'll feel when he hears Lily's moved on? Ted: She's moved on? Robin: Well, it happens. I've fallen out of love faster than that before. Sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever. One day we're in love, the next day, he's dad to me. But we're great! Honey? At MacLaren's. Barney: Let's review Barney's rules for mating without dating. Lesson two: corollary five. Marshall: Make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive and she'll be putty in your hands. Barney: Excellent. Have you chosen your entrée? Marshall: I have. A sweet brunette, eight o'clock. Nine o'clock. Ten; thirty. She's walking to the bar. Barney: Her? Really? No, you're right. Ambition is the enemy of success. OK, ht it. Marshall (to the girl): Hey four-eyes. You got astigmatism or something? I'm sorry, I was trying to be playful but I just got out of a lonf relationship. I have no idea what I'm doing! I'm Marshall. Girl: Hi Marshall. Amy. Don't worry, I've been there. Hold on. Barney: Nice recovery. I think it's working. Marshall: Um, Amy, this is my friend Barney. Barney, this is Amy. Amy: Hey Barney, nice to meet you. Barney: Hi. Amy, do you like... magic? At the apartment. Marshall: I hate you. Barney: I am so sorry. It's a sickness. I'm the real victim here. Marshall: Twice! Twice in a row you took my candy! That was my candy! Barney: I know but tonight... Marshall: No, forget it. You're such a jackass! Barney (with you're a jerk writing on his hand): I though you were gonna call me a jerk. All right, I'm sorry. But I will make it up to you. Tonight, we'll go to a college bar near NYU. The Scorpion & The Toad. I figure in a younger crowd you'll seem more mature, more worldly. And, as a third-year law student, more smarter. Marshall: OK, but no magic. (He turns to Barney who disappeared). How did you do that? Barney: I'm taking a leak, dumb-ass. In a building.Ted from 2030: Robin and I went apartment hunting with Aunt Lily. Lily: But I need the freedom to really chase my passion, which was painting but now, I think it's music, or spoken words. Maybe both. God, isn't life amazing. Ted: Yeah. Lily: It is so great to see you Ted. Ah! I'm gonna get the key for the lockbox. (She leaves.) Robin: What? Ted: She's miserable. She's realized she's made a huge mistake. Her and Marshall will be back together in a week, I love it! Robin: No, you just want Lily to be miserable. The truth is she's happy. Ted: Trust me. I've known Lily for nine years. Robin: Trust me, I'm a girl! Ted: Yeah. But you're Canadian. Robin: Why do you always have to bring that up? Ted: You're our weird neighbors! Robin: You bring it up every time... Ted: No, alright. Five bucks says she still wants Marshall. Robin: You're on. Ted: Five American bucks. Robin: Dammit! OK, so how do we get the truth out of her? Ted: Tequila. It's her weakness. Three shts, she tells you the truth about anything. (Lily come back.)Lily: I hope this is my new home. (She comes in the apartment) Yeah, I'm gonna take that first apartment. At the apartment, Barney knocks at the door, Marshall opens. Barney: Marshall Eriksen, suit up! Marshall: No way. Barney: Yeah you're good in that. Let's go. Marshall: Wait. Empty your pockets. Come on. Barney: Come on... Marshall: Sleeves. Barney: There is nothing in my sl... Marshall: Oh is that right? Barney: Huh? Huh? Let's go. Marshall: Behind my ear. Barney: Oh there is nothing behind your... Ohh! Marshall: Ohh! At The Scorpion & the Toad bar. Girl: Yeah, I'm in pre-law. The workload's klling me though. Marshall: Oh, tell me about it. I'm a third year at Columbia Law, so... If the workload does kll you I can probably get a conviction. Yeah. In an other spot of the Scorpion & the Toad.Barney (to a girl): You must be majoring in chemistry 'cause what I'm picking up between us is, uh... (The girl leaves / to the girl's friend) College lesbian phase. Back to Marshall and the first girl. Girl: Listen, I gotta go. But it'd be great to see you again. Marshall: Yes, it would. It really would. Girl: Maybe I'll see you here sometimes. Marshall: Probably not. I'm never here, so... Girl: You know, I do have a phone number. Marshall: Great. Nice. Barney: Hi, I'm Barney. Marshall: Oh, no. Barney: Do you mind giving my friend your phone number? Girl: Sure. In a cab. Marshall: Whoo! I did it! I got a girl's phone number! Oh, and her handwriting is so cute. Look. I'll take her out for Chinese food and then we'll walk through the park. It'll be so... What? Barney: Sorry buddy, I'm taking this one too. Marshall (choking Barney): I'll kll you! At Robin's apartment. Lily: And then I discovered this area, North beach. Best beach ever! Oh, I've been blabbering on about my summer. How are you guys doing? And hey, how is Marshall? In the cab, Marshall still chokes Barney. Marshall: Gimme the card! I swear I'm gonna... Barney: I'm not giving you... Back at Robin's. Ted: Terrific. Lily: That is so good to hear. (Lily's phone rings). Oh, hold on. This could be about he apartment. (She leaves the room). Ted: OK, we're way past truth-telling Lily and about to ht Cinco-de-Mayo-1998 Lily, and I'm not cleaning that up again. So, congratulations. You win, she's happy. (Lily come back.) Lily: I didn't get it. That first apartment. I... I waited too long and somebody else got it. (She starts crying). Ted: Interesting. Wow Lily, you, uh, seem to be having a pretty strong reaction to losing this apartment. I wonder is it because it reminds you of something you lost because you couldn't commit? Robin: No, Lily you're crying over the crown moulding and the real hardwood floor. There's no deeper meaning, right Lily? Just quit crying and tell him. Lily: The apartment is a metaphor for Marshall! (Robin gives back Ted his five dollars) In the cab. Barney: Stop it! Marshall: You don't want to see me when I'm angry! Barney: Stop! If we can't settle this like gentlemen, then no one gets the number. (He sends the card across the window). Marshall: Stop the cab! (Marshall gets out of the car) Barney: No, wait. Come on. Wait. Marshall! 81st and 1st please. (He pulls the card out of his sleeve). Oh, she does have a cute handwriting. In a snack-bar.Ted from 2030: About hangovers - everyone has their own special remedy. Waiter: Morning guys, what can I get you? Lily: Shhh! Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got. And a milkshake. Waiter: For you, sir? Ted: Gravy. Waiter: You want that gravy on something? Ted: Surprise me. Robin: I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here! Just kidding. I'm good. Lily: What are you charpy about? Ted: She's still drunk from last night. Robin: I don't think so! Whoo! Ted: Look, if you want Marshall back so bad, how come it took you two days to ask about him? Lily: I was dying to ask. I was just trying to play it cool. But really... [FLASHBACK, Robin and Lily visit an apartment] Robin: But it's good, I mean work's great... Lily: Say something about Marshall. Where is Marshall? How's Marshall? What's Marshall doing right now? (They are now with Ted in an other building) Shut up and talk about Marshall. Shut up and talk about Marshall! Shut up and talk about Marshall! Marshall! Marshall! Marshall! Marshall! Aaah I gotta ask! (Then, the three of them are in Robin's apartment) And, hey, how is Marshall? [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: It was such an awful summer! I just wanted to get back here and see him. Ted: But I thought your summer was great?! Lily: Not exactly... [FLASHBACK, in San Francisco, Lily paints] Man: Oh my God! This is your best work?! In all my years teaching I've never seen something so... needless. To say this is art... I can't teach you anything. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: So all those interesting people you met on the bus...? Lily: Yeah, um... [FLASHBACK, in a bus] Man: I'm Mike. I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure writer travel. I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. You are stunning, by the way. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed. I screwed everything up. I have no job, no place to live. I lost the love of my life. Look, I know I have no right to ask this but do you think Marshall would take me back? Ted: In a heartbeat. If you called him up, yeah, he'd take you back with open arms. Lily: Wow. So, maybe I should call him? Ted: Maybe. No! This is... Ooww... Hold on. Look. If you're gonna go back to him, I don't wanna hear the word "maybe". "Maybe" cannot be in your vocabulary. This break-up almost k*lled him. And he cannot go through it again. So, unless you're absolutely certain, stay the hell away from him. Robin (laughing): This guy like pennies! At MacLaren's. Barney: Hi Marshall. Marshall: No, go away, I don't want to talk to you. Barney: OK. I know what I did a couple nights back was is in a moral grey area. But the great news is she loved you. If things had gone your way, you'd gone out a couple time, I think she definitely would've had sex with you. Marshall: There is no "would" in sex. There totally is. I'm just no good at this Barney! I'm good at being in a couple. I'm good at being Lily's boyfriend. Being single, forget it. Barney: You can't give up now. What if I told you that you could relive that night with the exact same conversations, the exact same jokes, only this time you get her and I don't. Marshall: That's not possible. Barney: Oh, but it is. She has... Wait for it. Here it comes. Almost there...an identical twin. Yes! Marshall: A twin isn't the same person. Barney: Of course, it is. What do you think "identical" means? "Ident-" - same. "-ical" - person. Same person. Hey, we could double date. Marshall: Fine. Barney: Ah! Marshall: But you have to promise me you're not gonna steal my new twin and leave me with your old, used-up twin. Barney: Used-up? They're a human being Marshall. Ted from 2030: So Uncle Marshall and Uncle Barney went out on a double date with the twins. Barney: How are you doing? Marshall: Great. Amazing. This is so much fun. Me and the girl are really cliking. Barney: You are. You definitely are. Listen, you're gonna have to leave now. I just talked with the twins and, get this, I'm going home with both of them! Yeah. That's happening. Marshall: It is impossible that you're doing this to me again. Barney: But they're twins. Marshall: You said to me that being single would be like being in a candy store. Barney: Well, it's not like a candy store. It's a lawless, post-apocalyptic wasteland. I may be your best friend... Marshall: Ted's my best friend. Barney:...but in this world it's every hombre for himself. That's what being single is. And after nine years of captivity, that is the single greatest lesson I can teach you about surviving in the wild. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have two unique breasts an two duplicates waiting for me. (Barney rejoins the twins, Marshall leaves the bar). Oh bad news. Marshall got food poisoning. Twin 1: What? Twin 2: That's so bad. I really liked him. Barney: Yeah. I guess we're just a threesome tonight. Outside of MacLaren's, Marshall runs into Lily. Marshall: Lily. What are you doing here? Lily: Oh, I-I was just walking by. I wasn't... Oh, you mean, New-York? My program ended. It was just great. Just lots of fun. It was awful. It was the worst mistake I ever made. I'm so sorry Marshall. And, hello. Marshall: Lily, this was the worst summer of my life. Lily: I know. It was the worst summer of my life. Marshall: It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Lily: Can we please get back together? Marshall: All that crap you said to me about "we need to figure out who we are outside of us, and we need to learn to do things on our own.". It broke my heart. Three months ago, you broke my heart. Lily: Can we please get back together? Marshall: Lily, you were right. All that crap was right. So, no. No, we can't get back together. We shouldn't. At least, not right now. Lily: Wow. OK. Yeah. Wi... Will we still see each other? Marshall: Yeah. Yeah. I think so. I don't know. This is all really new to me. I just got out of a long relationship. I like your hair. Lily: Thanks. I, uh, figured, new city, new color - uh, old color. (Music 'It's gonna be different this time' / Later). And the pizza there. Worst pizza ever! I'm so glad to be back in New-York. Marshall: Yeah. Lily: Listen, if there is anything I can do to even begin to make things up to you. Marshall: Actually, there's maybe something you can do for me. But you can never ever ask me why. In MacLaren's, Barney is still with the twins. Barney: So then, I was promoted to assistant ménage-er. Manager. Why do I keep doing that? (Lily arrives.) Lily? Lily: You gave me Chlamydia, you jerk! (She throws a drink at his face and leaves) Barney: So, where was I? Ah yes. Assistant ménage-er. I did it again. I can't believe it! (Lily shows up again) Lily: You gave my twin sister Chlamydia! You slime! (She throws a second drink at his face and leaves, following by the twins). Barney: Wait, wait, I know magic. Well played, Eriksen. Well played.	{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "02x02 - The Scorpion and the Toad"}	foreverdreaming

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