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Loudspeaker: Ben Seaver get your hollow head in here! Ben: Sir, I was just repeating what everyone else was saying. What are you planning to do?Stage a fake fre drill?fre a smoke bmb?Hire a stripper? Ben: Sir, if I could afford a stripper, I like... Ben: I am not playing anything.I signed from the test because I really wanna take it. Ben: Yes!I am, that's why I wanna take the test. Ben: Sure I am doing much better than Sparky!? Ben: Please, check my grades! Ben: All I've been cracking are these books, if you don't believe me, please ask my teachers. Ben: Sir, I haven't tampered with anything!I swear that I Ben Seaver am a 3.0 student.Believe me! Carol: Brianne!What are you doing? Brianne: Carol, I'm tired of being selfish, I have made a decision that will change both of our lives! Carol: You're gonna pick up your toe nails after you clipped them? Brianne: No!I finally realize this time I give a little back. So I am talking a job in Africa. Carol: You are going to work in a third world country? Brianne: I'm not sure what number it is. Carol: Well, will you be working in hospitals?Building homes?Farming? Brianne: Better: I'll be teaching low-impact aerobics at a Club made in Senegal! Carol: Brianne, I don't know what to say? Brianne: Oh, you're gonna miss me! Carol: That hardly describes it! Brianne: I got a plane to catch! Carol: Brianne, I will never forget you! Brianne: Don't you cry.Oh I'll be strong. Carol: It's over!She's gone!L-ladies and gentlemen, Brianne has l-e-f-t the building. Luke: Hey what's shaking? Ben: I am playing a game of hide-n-eat with Chrissy. Luke: Isn't it hide and seek? Ben: Well, you play your way I'll play mine. Luke: The advanced placement exam.Whooo smart guy! Ben: Keep it down, I don't want mom and dad to know.If I fail, nobody will be the wiser. Mike: Hey guys, where is dad? I need to ht him up for a loan before he meets with his account. Jason: Do you think I am made of money? Mike: Phew.Too late... Carol: You guys will never guess what happened. Brianne moved out and I am gonna be alone for the rest of this semester. Mike: Carol wake up, you're gonna be alone for the rest of your life. Carol: You guys can laugh if you want but I am here to pack up and leave this place forever.You've seen this face for the last time. Luke: Does anyone wanna feel that one? Mike: Great, we will play numb!May I remind you that Carol is very important to us? Luke: Er, You're right, she is your sister. Mike: Well, to heck with that, she's got a room that you could have. Carol: Absolutely, it's yours!Carol does not live here anymore. Mike: Great.Hey you better get the car, we'll just throw your jacket out the window. Luke: This is great, as soon as I get back from the library I am moving in. Chrissy: I think you never find me. Ben: I think so, too. Ben: Oooh, really?Oooh, coats! Chrissy: Ten, twenty, thirty, thirty, thirty, hundred!Aw, I am not falling for that. CPA: I realize I am a licensed CPA, but I'll try to explain it in layman's terms: If you don't send bills you don't get paid! Jason: Well, Carol used to input my data on computer, now she's away at college. CPA: Can't one of your other kids help? Jason: Ugh yeah, Mike's too busy, Chrissy's five, and Ben, he's a sweet kid but let's face it, he's no Einstein. Jason: Oh, you're driving a Lamborghini? CPA: I am not behind in my billings. Jason: Can I honk the horn? Chrissy: Alright he wouldn't.He might?!This is where I hid!How stupid can you be? Ben: Ask dad. Dwight: I was just admiring the pitch of your roof.It's been said, people have been stating up there all this time. Mike: Uhm, believe it or not, you're the first!Hehe, uh, are you a uh roofer? Dwight: Oh no!It's only a hobby. Mike: I see. Dwight: I am your new neighbour!Do you know the neo-Victorian House? Mike: The what? Dwight: With the renaissance influence! Mike: What're you talking about? Dwight: This tree, three houses down... Mike: Oh!Oh, uh, I um, a little advice, if you ever order pizza, just give'em your address. Dwight: hahaha. Mike: Hehehe, let me take a wild sht, you're a friend of Carol's right? Dwight: Carol?Carol?Uh-haah , ooooooooh, I can say that name for hours. Mike: Well, please don't, uh, I just ate.Ok? Mike: Hey, Go down, the librarian! Carol: Dwight? Dwight: Ru-hoo.You're still the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Carol: Dwight, where did you come from? Dwight: This tree, three houses down... Carol: The neo-Victorian House with the renaissance influence? Dwight: Yes!I rented a month ago to be near you while I work on my PhD in medieval studies. Carol: But we have not even spoken since the dance of the Catskills. Dwight: Don't you remember that I told you then that I'd be moving to Long Island so that we could be together! Carol: You said, "See you around!" Dwight: Right, and then the next day I moved here. Carol: You moved here a month ago to be near me, and this is the first time that you've come over? Dwight: I didn't wanna appear to forward. Carol: Wow.You know, nobody has ever changed their zip code for me.They probably went out the door for me.I don't know what to say! Dwight: I knew it.I am arsing you.Pushee pushee pushee!I'll come back next month! Carol: No, wait, I think it's sweet!And I'm glad you tracked me down. Dwight: Groovy, hehe. Dwight: Would you like to come to my house and listen to some Gagarian Chants? Carol: You have them on CD? Dwight: No, I sign them. Carol: Groovy. Ken: Hey, yo, Ben, What's up? Ben: Nothing. Ken: You look like you fell outta your twin bubble-a-zaggin. Did you know I got this study guide for advance placement exam and it's not as hard as we thought, listen to this: Ken: Three boys share three quart canteen of oar.If the first boy drinks twice as much as the other two what do they each gain. Ben: A mouth full of backwash. Ken: What's with you?Yesterday you were all pumped up about taking the test. Ben: Yeah, well, that was before I played hide-n-seek. Luke: Okay, first time we'll move all the klled-stuff animals to the attic, I am gonna get rid of all those dad flowers, and then we are gonna get one of those pictures of dogs playing poker. Mike: Oooh, oooh, oooh, don't get too light, I need a birthday present for Kate. Black Dude: This is my ticket to a good university, I don't wanna end up Alf Landen Junior College. You know their entrance exam is guessing the number of beans in a jar! Luke: Um, Mike, quit the Alf Landen. Mike: For your information, that bean thing isn't half as easy as it sounds! Ben: Teet-eet! Jason: Hey guys, I could use some assistance for firewood. Mike: Sorry no can do, Luke and I got a few minutes to get Carol's room. Jason: Oh Ben, could pick four or five good dry logs please? Jason: Ken, you wanna come in for some hot chocolate? Jason: Awww, study, but to my boys study is just a room where Mrs.Peacock klled girl Mustard with a lead pipe. Ken: Well, you wanna get together and review this tomorrow? Ben: We'll see. Carol: (chuckles) We can't believe we just spent the last six hours together! Dwight: I know I know it only seemed like two hours and thirty eight minutes! Carol: It's amazing how much we have in common.I can't believe somebody actually knows all the presidents' birth stones. Dwight: I have to be honest with you; Millard Fillmore's Turquoise was just a lucky guess. Dwight: Carol, I've never felt such an intense connection with anyone else before.I am on fre. Carol: Me too.I can feel the electricity flowing through my body.I can't wait another minute. Dwight: Oh-hoo. Carol: Me too. Carol: Oh no! I just packed up all my stuff for them to give-away, I am telling my family they'd never see me again. To-mo-rrow it is. Maggie: Carol, I thought you'd gone to New York! Carol: Mother, the most amazing thing has happened.Do you remember Dwight Halliburton from the Catskills? Maggie: The one who kept hitting himself in the head? Carol: Right, and guess what: Now he's doing it in our neighbourhood.He has uprooted his whole life to move near me. Carol: So, I have to stay here tonignt Maggie: I heard you gave your room to Luke today. Carol: Oh, well that's ok, I ,uh, I'll sleep on a foldable, sleep on a roof, If I can get any sleep at all. I am soaring like a bird, dancing like a breeze. Maggie: Chattering like a baboon. Carol: Oh Mike, you are so funny! Jason: Oh, no no no Ben not like that.I thought I told you to get dry ones Ben?Go get a couple more please, use your head. Maggie: Hey Ben, just the guy to test-taste the hot chocolate. Ben: I am not thirsty. Chrissy: I'll take his.He should not have all that sugar anyway. Maggie: Jason, what's wrong with Ben? Jason: Maggie that's such a broad question. Maggie: No, tonight, first he did not touch his dinner, then he passes up hot chocolate!For Ben that's quiet. Jason: He's fine, I saw him on the ground goofing up with Kenny just a couple of minutes ago. Jason: Aw, perfect, yes, dry ones!Now, they'll go like that.Right, that, that's a fre. Blondie: Can I help you? Carol: Is D-wight here? Carol: Well, roof, pitch, nibble, Well I hope you both chew! Jason: Oh ho ho, what happened here? Maggie: Carol made muffins for her new boyfriend. Jason: Ah, Carol's got a new boyfriend, Boo, muffins?So who's this new boyfriend of Carol's? Maggie: Well you remember Dwight, the one I fox-trotted with at Catskill's? Jason: Oh, haha the one who hits himself a lot. Maggie: Uhm, I got a hunch this could be the one.I've never seen Carol act this way over a boy before? Jason: Hey, Morning sweetheart? Oh you didn't tell me about this new boyfriend? Carol: Boyfriend?I have no boyfriend. Jason: I thought Dwight? Carol: Dwight?Please!Just give me a little credit, since when does Carol Seaver have to lower her standards for a fork-tongued medieval maggot! Jason: Sorry my mistake. Carol: And another thing: As of this moment, Carol Seaver does not live here anymore.Ich bin ein New Yorker! Jason: Jawohl! Ben: Carol, can I ask you something? Carol: Ben, this is not a good time. Ben: Do you think I'm dumb? Carol: Yes! Ben: Well, it's a serious question.Do you think I am stupid? Carol: Ben, you're dumber than used chewing gum, you have the IQ of a saw, doesn't even your dryer set to fluff, you need anymore I'll have to get back to you. Mike: Heh! Mike: Well, it's nice to see you too. Why, you're dressed like Tuxedo Banana. Mike: Hey, dad, it's for you! Jason: Ben!He hates tests.He'll even look for Waldo. Jason: Obviously. Mike: Dad, Where is the Banana. Jason: He went that way. Mike: Thanks, just get ready for big bucks! Jason: Hey Be-en! Ben: Yah! Ben: Yeah right, dad, but what would I do with that? We both know I'm no Einstein. Jason: What do you mean by that? Ben: Well, what did you mean by it.I heard you when you told your accountant.Let's face it Ben is no Einstein. Jason: Well obviously, I did not mean that way Ben? Ben: Yeah, well you said it! Ben: And I know you meant it cuz you didn't even knew I was listening.You think I am dumb and you've known me my whole life.I must be dumb! Jason: No, Ben, No. It's my fault Ben's not taking that test.He expressed interested and I scoffed, I belittled, I had a great time. I did everything but call him stupid. Oh, since then I've talked to his teachers. Ben has a 3.0 average. Jason: A 3.0? Mike: Smile! Dwight: Hi Carol? Carol: Hello. Dwight: The strangest thing happened this morning.A woman in blue plaid came to my door, threw muffins at my sister, thrat her and then ran. Carol: Your sister? Dwight: Yeah, Elaine's a stewardess, she visits whenever she flies into Kennedy, and my question is why muffins. Carol: Uhhm. Dwight: You positively blew with this hour of the morning. Carol: I do? Dwight: I'd love for you to come meet Elaine, wanna come over for some muffins?They're not very good, but what the heck they're free. (SING) Mark Rice: "Mustang Sally... Guess you better slow mustang down..." Jason: Mustang Sally, it's one of my old-time favorites.Ben I had no business say something like this, like a stranger. Ben: Alright, you didn't mean it anyway. Jason: No, I meant it.I really did think you were no Einstein. Ben: Thanks a lot Dad. Jason: Neither was I. Ben (reads Jason's score card): D, C, F, C minus, D.Is this you? Jason: Uh-hum. Ben: You really were no Einstein.You were barely a Trigger. Jason: Boy it is Ben, even Einstein was no Einstein, you know he grew up that at school?Some of us don't' show our potential until later. Ben: So you're saying that some day I'll start showing my potential? Jason: You already have Ben.Last year when you started studying at home with your mother. Ben: Well, that's fine when she was working with me. Jason: That's not true.Your mother gave you confidence she got you started.But then you went out you took over by yourself. You became a 3.0 student on your own. Ben: I did, didn't I? Jason: And I almost blew the whole thing with that dumb remark. Ben: But then why did you say that? Jason: Oh you live in a family Ben, you tend to put labels on people. You know Carol was the smart one, Mike was the charming one, and then you, you're the one who goofy-glued sticky saliva into the dog-house. Jason: You got through this change these whole last few months Ben, well and it happened right under my nose, and I did not even see it I am so sorry. I missed it, please. I wish I could take back what I said, but I can't. Will you forgive me? Ben: I guess. Jason: Like you start over, clear the slate? Ben: Sure. Jason: Right. Jason: Hey, look, would you be interested in helping me input some data into the computer? Ben: You're kidding.You trust me to do something like that? Jason: Sure I would. Ben: Dad, this means so much, coming from you. Will you pay me? Jason: I'll pay you. Ben: Oh, Dad, this means so much! Coming from you. Screen: November 29th, 1991. Ben Seaver arrived to take the New York state advanced placement exam, unfortunately the test was scheduled for the 30th.Red-faced, the boy returned the next day and passed with flying colors.That same day a smoke bmb was detonated in the faculty lounge. To date, no suspects have been apprehended.	{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x12 - B=MC2"}	foreverdreaming
Maggie: Hey are you sure you and Mike can't stay for dinner?I'm making a figment: Lettuce! Kate: That's really sweet Mrs Siever but Mike and I have tickets to the Nut crcker tonight. Maggie: The Ballet?Does Mike know they don't sell peanuts and you can't do the wave? Jason: Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, ho ho ho.Guess what they've got down at Mary's Trees Trees Trees. Maggie: I have to go trees? Jason: They're better than any trees, these are twelve-foot noble firs, for only eight dollars. Maggie: Eight dollars? Jason: Well, previously owned. Maggie: Jason we are not gonna get a big tree this year because you know how you get when you decorate it. Jason: Jolly? Maggie: Ho-ho-homicidal!Having everything your way!So this year we're gonna try something new. Jason: Maggie, that's not a tree, that's Parsley! Chrissy: Does a little tree mean little presents? Maggie: Ho sweetheart, you know how much you care about saving the Earth?Well, after Christmas we can plant this tree and save it, too. Chrissy: All year long, I care about Earth.At Christmas, I care about numero uno! Mike: Ok, Katie, you ready to see the Nut crcker? Jason: Mike, you're going to the Ballet? Mike: It's a ballet? Carol: Yes, I am upset, and do you know why?Dwight Halliburton has just stood me up! Carol: I trusted him and now my heart is cleft in twain. Mike: Well I hope your twain will be leaving soon on a very long twip. Kate: Mike, how could you do that to her when she is so upset? Mike: Oh, Kate, she's just always like that.It's just who she is: Carol-yes-I-am-upset-Siever! Kate: Well, could not you go and talk to her?For me? Mike: Wa-el, okay. Jason: Ouh, that boy is sm-itt-en! Maggie: That boy is wh-ipp-ed! Mike: Hey Carol, what are you doing? Carol: Alphabetizing the bookshelf!I'd ask you for help but I'm too busy to train you. Mike: I realize you don't wanna tell me about your stupid problem right? Carol: Dwight has a new research assistant named: Felicia. Mike: I guess you do. Carol: And tonight we had tickets to see Istvam Penderecki. Mike: Istvam who? Carol: He's a performance artist who screams obscenities at the audience while setting his hair on fre.That's his Christmas show Carol: Does not matter because he won't be going anywhere because I hate Dwight Halliburton before he even loses over! Carol: Dwight baby, come home to Mama!Sorry Sir!Kate, telephone! Kate: Thanks. Mike: Carol you know what your problem is? Carol: You and I both come from the same loin? Mike: No, you get involved with people who make you jealous! Carol: Everybody gets jealous. Mike: Not me, because I know how to pick that woman I can count on, you don't see Kate standing me up do ya? Kate: Mike?!!Great news!I believe... Mike: Huh? Kate: It was my agent!I have been picked in the Sporting Man swimsuit edition.We sht in Jamaica, next week.So I have to get fitted for my suit right away. Mike: But Kate, ah, I was so looking forward to going to the Ballet? Kate: Oooh, (smooch) I'll make it up to you. Carol: It's A, B... Mike: Anybody still interested in a couple of tickets to the Nut crcker? Chrissy: I am I am! Mike: Ok, fifty bucks. Jason: What about Kate? Mike: Oh she had to leave.Her agent called; She got a job in the swimsuit edition of the Sporting Man. Ben: The issue I live and die for? Luke: Babes and postage stamp screen bikinis. Chrissy: Yeah. Jason: Okay. Luke: So, uh, when is Kate doing this bikini sht? Mike: That' s next week in Jamaica. Ben: Oh, I love to be the photographer on that job.I mean one guy all those babes? Luke: Well, um, forget that!I'd love to be the guy who rubs on the coco butter! Ben: Forget that, I'd love to be the coco butter! Mike: Hey, why do not you guys run a roll in the snow?Well, that's no ordinary photo sht. Ben: Yeah, maybe, but if Kate was my girlfriend I sure would not let her go to Jamaica. Maggie: Ben, your brother trusts Kate. Mike: Yeah! Maggie: I am appalled of you two.Kate's a professional. Now she can stand in the sun all oiled up in the briefest of bikinis, having her picture taken by some jet-set photographer without anything untoward happening.I am glad that at least Mike knows that. Francis: When I was seventeen, it was a very good year....What are you doing here? Mike: You sent for me. Francis: Ah, I understand you volunteered to drive the bus for this year's Christmas tree cutting trip? Mike: Yeah, I thought it might be a nice chance for some inner city kid to experience Christmas.You know the snow, the silver bells, the mistletoe. Francis: Forget that.Think Nunez with a Chainsaw!Siever, you don't have the seniority to do this on your own. If you insist on taking them on this trip, I'll be forced to go ith you. Mike: Great, the more the merrier. Francis: Siever, have I ever done you any harm? Mike: Look, Mr.Tedesco, I'll level with ya, I need to find something to do this week while my girlfriend is outta town, see she is a model, and she is gonna be in Jamaica doing the swimsuit issue of the Sporting Man. Francis: See, let me give some unsolicited advice: Catch the next thing smoking to Jamaica. Mike: Well, Mr.Tedesco, Kate and I trust each other okay?We're in love! Francis: Don't you know love is a state of insanity??I myself married Mrs Tedesco because she had a body that would not stop. Shortly after I married her, it stopped.....Love!...Makes your judgement take a holiday. You, you think you are marrying a goddess; And you wind up with a walking bathrobe that reads the Tinsel town Tattler! Mike: Look, Mr.Tedesco.I am darn sure that I know Kate... pretty well. Francis: But do you know Nigel Done. Mike: No.Who is he? Francis: He is the chief photographer for the Sporting Man.He is an Australian with rugged good looks and an appetite for every lovely model he photographs. Mike: How do you know all this? Francis: I read in the Tattler."The bathroom can be lonely place..." Jason: Okay son.How does it look now? Ben: Perfect. Jason: Hehehe, aw, come on Ben, it's still crooked!That's at least two degrees off! Ben: Looks straight to me. Jason: Pretty straight does feed the ring here pal... Maggie: How's it going guys? Jason: Hey great, just full of Christmas spirit. Ben: At least it's full of it all right. Maggie: Oh, Jason are you starting it again? Ben: Yeah, but how do you always take this so seriously? Luke: Yeah, Christmas is supposed to be fun. Jason: Luke, Fun does not just happen.Fun is a matter of exacting preparation. All: Oh no. Jason: Yeah but, Christmas is the one time that you want everything to be right. Cuz I know when those stocking are hung at a 42-degree angle and that reed's centered precisely on the door is gonna fill us all with utile joy. Jason: Besides, a sloppy Christmas is nothing more than a .. All: Groundhog Day with Denzel. Chrissy: daddy, loosen up. Jason: I am lose sweetheart, I just have a crooked tree, something's just out of whack here.Uh, I must have the screw loose. Mike: Ooh, lying sonnets... Is it time for dad's Groundhog with Denzel speech? Jason: Yea it is. Mike: (snaps) Ah. Carol: If anyone asked I am off to the library to get a good look at Dwight's hussy new research assistant Felicia. Mike: Aw, Carol, you're gonna spy on somebody outta jealousy?It's completely infantile.Only pathetic fools do that. Carol: So you wanna come? Mike: Alright alright, go check out, check out the invitation, but let me be clear, if she is female, breathing, she is 2 of you. Jason: Why do you need her like that, can't you see she is in pain? Mike: Come on dad, she is jealous over Dwight??Duke of Dork?Who's gonna be around him? Jason: Felicia might?!!It's only natural, when people work closely together, they become attracted to each other. Right?Researchers and scholars, actors, directors. Mike: Models and photographers? Jason: Exactly!That, that's the hole in my fear, that's eh, the exception. Kate: Ah, isn't this exciting? Mike: Yeah, my first press party!Can I go home now? Mike: Hehehe!Look at the lines in those pants, you think somebody might actually pay money for those babies? Stranger: Tweed jacket?Can you believe he actually paid money for that? Nigel: There you are, Kate, darling! Mike: Darling? Kate: It's the way people talk at these parties. Kate: Nigel Done, this is Mike Siever. Mike: Hello, Darwin?hehehe. Nigel: You are going to look fantastic in this Suit: What do you think? Mike: Kate?Euh... Kate: Mike?All the models are actually wearing suits like these. Mike: Well, other models are jumping off the building, would you do that too? Nigel: Come on angel, let me introduce you to the press.Sorry Mike no boyfriends allowed. Nigel: (posing and mumbling) Baby...Hm.Baby. Jason: Hey, I am ready with my square, I get my plumb line, I get my spirit level, I could use a little help getting the tree straight. Maggie: I have to go scrub the toilets. Ben: I have to get a credit for the science report. Luke: I have to get the script off the whiteboard. Chrissy: I gotta eat some spinach. Jason: Ok then, that's all the more fun for me!Mike, oh, you look like you're ready to go beg some trees.Kate's flagging up ok? Mike: Yeah, yeah, it was fine dad. Jason: Are you alright?Something on your mind? Mike: Oh, well actually yeah. Jason: Oh!Hang on, that order is my last!Uh, I gotta get a broom, just look but don't touch.Don't start with me. Mike: listen Carol, I was wrong. Carol: Why you only do this when they're no witnesses? Mike: No no I mean it.And you have every right in the world to be jealous of Dwight and his assistant Felicia. Carol: I saw Dwight's assistant this afternoon.She's an older woman. Mike: Aw, I am sorry. Carol: No, no, I mean ooold, blue hair, black glasses, get sent movies with half the price. Mike: Oh, obviously something could have happened if she was young and attractive. With all that heat, and the dust, and the glitter, and the glamour and the parties and steel drums pounding? Carol: In the library? Mike: Oh whether it's the library or Jamaica does not matter. Carol: Wait a minute, you are talking about Kate? Mike: Hey hey hey, You leave Kate and Nigel Done out of this. Carol: Nigel Done?This is wonderful.I was always jealous about nothing, and you are jealous about Nigel-tiny-Kangaroo-dance- ur, Done!? Francis: Let's go Siever.You are hustling some kids with chainsaws out there.If you don't hurry, we'll be driving convertibles. Mike: Mr.Tedesco, I can't go. Francis: Your cook stinks in here, absolutely horrid!For a moment out there it sounded as if you said, "I can't go." Mike: I can't. Francis: Nnnno! Mike: Mr.Tedesco, I have gotta go to Jamaica instead. Francis: What?? Mike: Look, you're the one who told me to keep tabs on Kate. Francis: You can't do this to me.I need this job till retirement.I have a wife and this pension is really the only thing we have going. I know it's no substitute for Children but we made a decision, I... Mike: Mr.Tedesco, I did not quit.Look, I have gotta go to Jamaica. Francis: Ohhhh.Well, if you must go, do me one favour: Mike: What's that? Francis: Take me with you! Mike: Why am I in Jamaica? I'm sure everything is fine. Nigel: Okay give it to me baby.That's it, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.Okay turn a little more towards me. I love it.I love it.Great.It's happening.Yes, it is.! Mike: Kate! Nigel: Beautiful, alright stand up now.That's it, that's it, okay.Beautiful, beautiful.Yes, it's working.Let me see the back? Okay, I think what you need is ... Mike: Don't touch her.Don't you touch her! Mike: Dah!You touched her! Nigel: Okay, whose boyfriend are you? Mike: Kate's! Nigel: Last name, please! Mike: Kate McDonald!Her!You are Kate?But that's okay, I was defending all women!Everywhere!And I am sure she's grateful... Nigel: your Kate's off the shift. Mike: No, no no, you can't do that! Nigel: Already done! Mike: Well, what if I apologize and let you ht me again? Nigel: it's tempting but no thanks.Kate's up the Boot Shacks recovering. Mike: Recovering? Kate: Mike! Mike: Kate! Kate: What are you doing here? Mike: What happened to your leg? Kate: Oh, I got stung by a jellyfish!What happened to your eye? Mike: I, I, forgot to put up my tray table in the upright position. Kate: You won't believe what Nigel did.The minute I got on a plane he made a pass at me. Kate: Nothing. Mike: I knew it!I have got the most wonderful girl in the world and nothing could come between us! Model: Nigel sent me over to check if you're all right. Mike: Yeah, she's all right. Model: Not her, golden gloves, you!We don't a stick to put on that but I'll send over for chilled blow-fish. Listen, don't feel bad, you're not the first jealous boyfriend who attcked Nigel.That's why he got his black belt. Kate: You attcked Nigel?This whole time I thought you were handling things.You just did not trust me. Mike: Kate, look I did it for you, I know guys like Nigel. Kate: And you know me better.Mike, I am not the kinda girl who is gonna get involved with sly guys like Nigel Done! Mike: But Kate. Kate: Goodbye Mike. Jason: Oh Christmas tree, o Christmas tree you are standing perpendicularly...Oh you are not one or two degree not most upright!O Christmas tree ? Oh Christmas tree, O Christmas tree we'll show them all night crazy!All right time to decorate the tree everybody! Seems I am the only one with the Christmas spirit. Maggie: Don't eat your fingers. Luke: Everybody laughing, making decorations, now this is how I always imagined Christmas would be. Chrissy: Ta-da! Maggie: Oh, this is great!Nice plane, let's put it on the tree. All: Ooooh. Maggie: That's the perfect tree..... Carol: Where have you been? Mike: Well, I just spent my last dime to fly over 600 miles to Jamaica, to get dumped by my girlfriend, get punched in the eye. Carol: How lousy a travel agent. Mike: Carol, you were right, I was jealous. Carol: No, you were right, I was jealous. Mike: Of what?I thought Felicia was probably good material. Carol: It was Esther I saw.Felicia is 22.Kind of a good-looking Michelle Fiver. Mike: Probably give a Christmas present early: Kate and I broke up! Carol: Dwight and I did too! Mike: Really?Heh!Love stinks. Carol: Yeah, Pee you! Mike: Yeah, family's all you got. Carol: You bet.Who needs Dwight and Kate when we have each other? Mike: Now you're talking, let's hang out together! Carol: Yeah!We'll go to museums, to operas, whoo!We'll get a house together, and we'll get cats, lotsa cats! Mike: Alright, let's stop and see a movie? Carol: Okay, I'll get the paper. Mike: Ok. Kate: Why... Mike: You know Kate, I was asking myself the same question, why I was an insensitive jealous fool? Kate: Nooo, why can't I stay mad at you? Mike: Uh, what a girl I've got! Mike: From now on, I am gonna trust you at all times! Carol: Ok, Mike, I got the Movie Guy. Mike: Oh bat it, Cat Lady. Carol: What!??I thought you two were on the rocks. Mike: Carol, does this look like we are on the rocks? Kate: Oh, those are for you??I found them outside, they were for Carol! Carol: Give me those you Tree Stumb.Listen to this: "Roses are red Violets are blue I fired Felicia,Because I love you!" Signed: Dwight Halliburton, your medieval prince. Carol: Huh!Does not he just send you? Mike: Yeah, right into the parcel of Brawn. Jason: You guys wanna come in to the living room for a bit? Mike: Oh the tree must be ready?Pretend that you like it. Mike: Okay, cover your eyes. Jason: Come on, Shhh!Don't wake the elves.Oops. Chrissy: Can we look at our gifts? Jason: No, no, nobody look, I want it to be a surprise, alright, everybody ready?Open Sesame. Maggie: What's the matter you did not finish? Ben: it's probably waiting for the blueprints to get back from the North Pole. Jason: No, I am done, I just thought the rest of you might finish it up without me. Luke: You mean we could decorate your tree any way we want? Jason: Yes, look, its not my tree, it's our tree.I know it is hard to believe sometimes I just get carried away. Maggie: Oh, Jason. Ben: So can we put tinsel on in big handfuls? Jason: If you wish? Chrissy: I can put the candy kings in any crazy place we want? Jason: If the spirit moves you? Luke: And I put the heavy ornaments on top? Jason: No, no, no. Maggie: Ah, no! Jason: Yeah, alright!But... Maggie: Yeah!That's right.	{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x13 - It's Not Easy Being Green"}	foreverdreaming
TV: And that's why for our part of the investigation, New York's finest: Pizzerias that is. Kate: Do you believe the garbage they have on local news? Mike: Oh yeah, I know.Who was number two, was it Jessetti or Antonio? TV: Still ahead, Record snowstorms are due to ht local ski resort areas this weekend. Kate: Oh, Mike, doesn't skiing sound like fun? Mike: Uh, you know what sounds like a lot of fun?It's two for one take-out thing to taste at Nagel's. Kate: We'd be outdoor, the cold fresh wind in our faces. Mike: That's fine, when the pizza gets here we will take it in the backyard. Kate: Mike, I am serious. Mike: Kate, you think I can afford a ski-trip? Kate: I can, I got some money left at my last modeling job. Mike: look, don't take this in a patronizing way,but I do like to pay for the little woman. Kate: Well, then I suggest you find one. Mike: Aw, look, Kate, what I am saying is just that I would feel a lot more comfortable doing things that I can afford.Like taking us out to dinner. Kate: I am tired of hiding in the bathroom while you're taking happy meals. Mike: Well, I did not hear you complain when you got the pirate ht.Alright, alright I will take you skiing. Kate: Yes, yes! Mike: But I am paying and that's that. Kate: What does it matter who pays. Mike: Because Kate I m a man, and if nothing else, I have got my pride. Mike: Oh, please, please, please!Carol, borrow me some money. Mike: That's only two. Carol: No way.Stump-head. Mike: Fine, fine, fine, Carol, I can finish this trip out of my own pocket! Luke: Wakes up late. Mike: Hey, can I have the number for the White Mountain Watch please?Thank you. Luke: Mike, why don't you just let Kate pay? Mike: Look, this is far too complicated for you to understand. Luke: Huh, Mike pays: Big man! Kate pays: Big Wuss! Mike: That is pretty doggone complicated?! Mike on phone: Hi, could you please tell me how much your cheapest but most impressive room is?Three hundred dollars? Oh, don't you have something cheaper, like a room somebody was mrder in?That's two seventy five?Yeah well do you have anything else?A free room? But only if I bring 20 paying customers with me?Ok I will take it!Yeah, yeah, that's right, Siever.Party 20, book Danielle, fine, book it Morris. Mike to Luke: Hey, Luke, uh, how would you like to go skiing this weekend for only fifty bucks? Luke: Well, I have been saving my allowance, but one question: Where are we gonna find nineteen other saps stupid enough to pay for your skiing trip? Ben: You want me to invite the entire Duree High chess club skiing? Mike, the chess club is the valley of the geefers, these guys won't wanna ski. Mike: But, Ben, they'll listen to you.You're their president. Ben: I tried to resign.They started crying. Mike: Well, they're just like the kinda gentle souls that I'd like to chaperone. Ben: Mike, these guys are too uncoordinated to ski.Last week, Leo Platte's toe got his toe stuck in his fly! Mike: It's not problem!It's perfect!They don't have to ski, the just have to pay! Ben: So what's in this for me? Mike: Well, you'll have Jack Frost, nipping at your nose and you'll have a gorgeous ski buddy nipping at your... Ben: Eighteen sign-ups and I made them all pay cash!Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll have to go and sew some lipid patches in my jacket. Mike: Mission Accomplished! Luke: Alright, but one question: What are you and Kate gonna do starting by eating at DuFei with cheese in their braces? Mike: You're right, now I don't know who is gullible enough to chaperone on a herd of nerds? Dwight: The tall guy said: Duck-o-ree-dee duck!Duck for me too! Both: laugh. Mike: Hi guys, what's going on? Dwight: Oh I am taking Carol to the Swedish film festival. Carol: We're seeing: My life is a dog. Mike: Oh Carol, Why would I pay money to see that?You live it! Carol: For your information, Dwight and I are getting pre-fed-up with the way you guys treat me. Dwight: That's right!I've had an earful.And I don't wanna hear you compare my girlfriend to a Swedish film again.You know what I mean jellybean? Mike: Well, uh, we're of course ashamed of ourselves.Hey how about I make it up to ya?Huh? What would you say to a ski trip this weekend, at the White Mountain lodge for one hundred bucks! Dwight: Oh no please, the ski trip is enough, I could not possibly accept one hundred bucks. Mike: No, Dwights, you would pay. Dwight: Oh that's better.Ok, yea, count us in.Do we bring our own leather hosing? Mike: No, no, you can rent, there is a leather hosing stand.Dwight, Dwight, but, uh, I almost forgot the best part! See, you'll be driving up on a bus with 20 teenage chess players. Dwight: Yippi-Ya Yo-ka-ye! Mike: Well, what was I thinking?You will have to check their names off a list as they get on the bus. Dwight: You're kidding, for a cheap ski trip I'll check their teeth! Mike: Okay, well great! Just one other thing: we need to tell Carol about this, make her think it was your idea.And the bus ride will be a surprise, women love that kinda stuff. Dwight: Mike, you're so good to me. Dwight: Honey?I decided we go skiing this weekend. Carol: With you? Dwight: And no chess players! Carol: Oh, Dwight, you're so good to me! Maggie: Mike, you wanna take Ben and Luke and a bunch of teenagers on a weekend ski trip? Mike: Uh-huh Jason: We're gonna have a big problem with that, young man. Mike: Well, Dwight and Carol are coming. Jason: Have a good time, son! Maggie: Jason, I look I feel better knowing that Carol's going but didn't you cave in a little easier? Jason: I did not cave Maggie, I calculated quickly.I have just bought us our first weekend allowance since Chrissy was born! Chrissy: Daddy, can you turn on the water when I get upstairs? Maggie: Eddie, what are you doing? Chrissy: Making Cement? Jason: Whoa, whoa, whoa.How would you like to make some cement at grandma Hermes's this week? Chrissy: Great!I just wish you'd said something before I slipped the gravel upstairs! Woman: Bonjour, (foreign language probably French meaning I am here) (foreign language) Is there something different about this room? Maggie: No.? Woman: Too bad! Maggie: Is there something different about your hair? Woman: Oh, no, no Jason: Hey, hey, Hey. Jason: Who is this little fella? Woman: This is my son, Max! Jason: Yeah, give me five Max. Max: (slaps Jason) Yeah! Woman: He is really like you.He usually does this to grandparents.As usual.we're going away this week, could you keep an eye oin our house? Taking the mail, the papers, the goat cheese, Jason: Hey but once you get outta town, we're through. Woman: Oh no?kiss kiss bye-bye? Maggie: Rich-rich, gag-gag? Kate: I thought it was wonderful!Look at the bungalow, it's huge!You could sleep twenty people here! Mike: Yeah, with any luck! Kate: I can't believe you got us an enormous place all to ourselves! Mike: Well, yea, actually, uh Kate: Isn't this the same bus of kids tat followed us all the way up here? Mike: Yeah, it is, listen Kate, I got a kinda confession I wanna make to you.You see, I sort of arranged for a small group of kids to come join us. Kate: Join us? Mike: Yes, but they're very well behaved, small, well-chaperoned.We'll hardly notice. Hooligan: Okay Space Fans!At once, let's get stupid! Mike: Excuse me, Ben, Ben?What's going on?Ben this can't be the Chess Club? Ben: How can you tell? Mike: What, hey, hey, hey you, If I challenged your queen with my rook, what would you do? Hooligan: Turn you upside down and make a wish?! Ben: Come on Mike!I did not want to spend the weekend with Nerds on Ice!So I invented the biggest party in the whole school. Mike: How am I supposed to have a nice weekend with Kate with all these horn dogs, uh, horny dogs or whatever! Ben: You're right, you're right, I see your point.Let's send Kate home on the next bus. Mike: I said chess club members! Ben: Well, you got one.Leo Lime-tongue Flat neck. Mike: Lime-tongue? Ben: Well, he's tongue is green.He only eats green things. Luke: Well, that's the explanation we can live with! Hooligan: I'll be glad to wax them for ya! Kate: Oh, I don't my skis waxed. Hooligan: I'm not talking about your skis. Kate: Mike! Dwight: Okay, our present account of, by the way, Mike, you did not mention that I had to drive the bus. Mike: Dwight, you were supposed to drive the bus! Dwight: Oh, well, that's why that guy was cussing at me while we drove away. Kate: No, I will NOT participate in anything called a Moon-o-thon. Where are the rooms, all I wanna do is get away from these...screaming banshees, they're dancing on top of the bus. Mike: No, no, no, no, Carol.You cannot go hide in your room!You and Dwight are here to chaperone! Carol: (Hysteric) Huh? Dwight: Yeah, we talked into hygiene, we talked leather hose, but there is no mention of chaperoning?! Mike: Whoa whoa, excuse me?I went outta my way to get you and Carol this bargain trip? And now when I need you the most, you don't have a couple of extra minutes to keep an eye on some fun-starved kids? Mike: Much better, ok, now, come here.The boys room is over here on the right, and the girls' on the left.Whatever you do, don't play chess with the big guy. Dwight: Could I have your attention? Carol: Mike?This time you've pushed things too far!I only came up here because Dwight said you invited us out of goodness of your heart! Mike: Carol, you know me for 20 years.Does that sound like me? Carol: No. Mike: Now, go, shift! Kate: Mike?Call me old-fashioned, but twenty kids pouncing the bell hop is not exactly my idea of a romantic weekend. Mike: Everyone seems to be enjoying it?Don't worry about the kids.They'll be fun. Lime tongue: Mr.Siever? Mike: Who are you? Kate: God! Mike: I'll be with you in a second, Lime Tongue. Come here, it's gonna be fine, Carol is in charge of the kids, we wont even notice them once they've ht the slope. Lime tongue: Oh that's what I came to tell you sir, there is no snow.The area is completely shut down. Something to do with tropical depression "Urve" Both: No snow? Mike: Look, your hoot master's named Carol, okay?She's not even here, she's tested the ear wax! Kate: Mike, if these kids can't ski, they'll tear this place apart! Mike: Kate, Kate, relax!That's the beauty of my plans.It is not our problem, it's Carol's. Mike: Carol, what happened!?? Carol: It's my ankle. Luke: She slipped on some ice. Mike: What, what Ice?There's no ice! Lime tongue: I spilled my Fanta. Dwight: Fear nothing, but I am gonna get a doctor, you're in no condition to chaperone. Kate: Well, Mr-I-like-to-pay-for-the-little-women, looks like you're in charge now? Lime tongue: Say, why don't you ditch Brillow-head and let's get stupid? Maggie: Ooh, Jason, just you and I in this big house.All by ourselves. Jason: Uh-huh Maggie: Whatever shall we do? Jason: Well, I don't know. Jason: Well, that 's coming from the Creed Martin, must be their stupid house alarm! Maggie: Did somebody break in? Jason: Not that I hope so..Maybe they will shut the alarm off. Jason on phone: Yeah, Yes, yes, I am calling to report a house alarm going off at 17, Robinhood lane. Jason to Maggie: We got a crisis and the 911 operator is flirting with me. Maggie: Well, that's unprofessional of her?! Jason: Him. Lime tongue (singing):Someone left the cake out in the rain I don't think that I can take itCuz I took so long to take it And I'll never have that recipe, again!Oh noooooo! Lime tongue: One more time everybody! Mike: O-kay!Is it 9:30 everybody?It's time to turn in. Blonde girl: First there is no snow, and now I have to go to bed early?You are worse than my mother! Hooligan: I paid for a fun weekend, and I am gonna have fun, whether I party, or snow-plough your face!Good night! Dwight: Oh, carrying you into the room my darling, I do have to go do a bed check. Carol: This is so romantic, just like in Gone with the wind. Carol: My Red! Dwight: My Scarlet. Luke: My God!! Kate: We have not had two minutes alone.I have spent more time with green tongue! Lime tongue: Lime tongue. Kate: Do something! Mike: Go, suck an avocado! Lime tongue: Ooh, Baby! Mike: Look, Kate, look, I know that the trip not lucky on the start.But we alone now.So, what do you say we make some hot coco, we snuggle by the fre. Kate: Oh, great! Mike: Ok, Come on.Hehehe. All: Go, go, go, go. Kate: What's that? Mike: It's just the wind. Dwight: Oh, I am gonna turn in now, kids are all in bed playing Mix Doubles for cheesy. Kate: Mix Doubles? Mike: In their beds? Dwight: Yeah, so it's up to about Shrimps and Skins. Kate: He better makes sure no one scores. Maggie: Jason, for the umpteenth time, why don't we just check into a hotel? Jason: Maggie, we are not gonna check into an expensive hotel just because we have Godless neighbours.I better think what to do with my 36:50. Maggie Oh...Why don't you just block the sound out of your mind?Pretend it's the ocean?! Jason: Oh, Maggie, the ocean does not make my ears bleed. Jason on phone: Hello, yea, I've called several times tonight about this house alarm going off, yes; I am the one with the nice speaking voice. Oh great, good, the alarm company's sending somebody over.That's terrific.When; Monday morning?!!! Listen to me: I am the burglar.I am standing in the dining room looking at the china cabinet and if you don't send somebody right away, the gravy boat goes! Sending somebody over... Alright, when?Twenty minutes to six hours???I uph! Maggie: Wait a minute.Don't do anything foolish. Jason: Do you think I look like I am about do something foolish? Maggie: Jason! Police: So you know this clown, huh? Maggie: Officer, this is no clown, This is a loving husband and a respected psychiatrist. Police: Which is why he was up a ladder in his pyjamas trying to slap shack your neighbour's burglar alarm. Jason: When you put it that way it sounds silly.But I had... Maggie: Officer... it's that alarm, it's driving my husband out of his mind. Police: A sure trip I am sure. Maggie: Can't you do something? Police: I could pstol-whip him? Maggie: No, no, about the alarm. Police: Well, uh, my partner is already on that, Ma'am. Jason: Thank you, thank you, thank you, you're a prince. Police: Cool it, cool it.Look pal, that stuff may work on 911 operator, but I am a different breed of cat. Police to Maggie: Ma'am. Jason: Hey, hey, oooh, oooh, officer! Kate: Do you know why this whole disaster happened?Because you could have let me pay for a simple trip. Mike: Uh, Look, Kate, Kate, if it would have just snowed, and if Ben had just invited the Chess Club, Carol hadn't slipped on that Soda, and Lime tongue had not been born! Kate: Mike!Because of your stupid pig-headed pride, nobody had fun this weekend. Carol: Oh, oooh, oooooh, hooooh! Luke: I hope she dismounts him before he drives us home! Kate: Next time, whoever has the money, pays! Ben: I'll get it! Lime tongue: Bad news!There's a blizzard!The roads are closed until tomorrow. Hooligan: Yeaaaah!Yeah!Let's get stupid! Kate: That?And all I wanna do is get outta here. Mike: Kate?Kate?I am afraid we're sort of stuck in here another night. Kate: What??? Ben: Mike, that was the front desk, they said if you stay another night, they need a 1000 dollar deposit. Mike: Uh, Kate?Remember what you said about whoever has the money pays?	{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x14 - The Call of the Wild"}	foreverdreaming
Abe: Hey, the seniors guys day out was one great idea. Ben: Yeah, it was four guys, out on the town. Mike: Eating anything we want... Jason: Walking past discount jewelers without missing a bat... Ben: Hey, you guys remember last month, when mom and Carol came to that Bulls game? Mike: Oh yeah, remember what she said?It's just not fair because some of the guys were so much taller than the others. Jason: Guys... Ben and Mike: What? Jason: Something is wrong; our train is leaving on time. Barney: Any of you fellas care to chase your luck?A dollar will get you two. Jason: No thank you... Barney: Hey all you got to do is find the queen. Abe: Barney? Barney: Abe!!!Hey man, I have been worried sick about you...Where have you been? Abe: Oh I'm fine, I've been living with the family in the suburbs. Barney: Oh that's great...Have they found out yet? Jason: Excuse me, I'm Jason Seaver. Barney: Oh, Barney Papadakis...Boy you clean up good.You're gone!! Abe: You look good too Barney' Barney: Yeah well, it's this new exercise program.Every time I see a transit cop I run a quarter of a mile. Speaking of which...Mr.Anderson...love the outfit!Blue is your color. Mr.Anderson: You wouldn't be running any illegal gambling here now would you? Barney: No, you see actually I was playing 52 card pick up. Mr.Anderson: With three cards? Barney: I'm not very good. Mr.Anderson: bat it Barney... Barney: Gotcha...Well so long fellows.I got enough quarters to go to the bus station to walk the whole mily dud.Nice seeing ya Abe. Abe: See ya Barney. Jason: So, you know this guy hm? Abe: Everybody on this street knows Barney.If you need a place to sleep and some food, Barney is the guy to see. Jason: and if he's good, I guess he can do all right running a cards scam. Abe: It's not a scam.Barney is New York's only 3 card Monty player.He's got faster hands than warren batty. Ben: Why does he call you Abe? Abe: Well, it's because my birthday's the same as Lincoln's. Mike: Your birthday is December 25th? Jason: February 12th. Abe: Right. Mike: Wait a minute.your birthday is next week?And you didn't tell us about it? Ben: What are you nuts?How do you expect to get any good presents? Abe: Hey I don't need any presents. Ben: Oh Luke....He's Just kidding now...Actually he wants a leather jacket in my size. Abe: How many times do I have to tell you?I don't want you guys throwing me a party. Mike: Luke I'm just talking about some potato chips and a balloon or two... Chrissy: I have a great idea!! Mike: What? Chrissy: Go to Chucky cheese. Ben: Yeah right.Luke really wants to spend his 16th birthday throwing pepperoni at six foot mechanical mice. Chrissy: Now that's a party! Ben: The secret to a great party is who isn't there when you have it. Abe: Hu? Ben: You know, a more private gathering. Abe: You mean just you and me? Maggie: What Ben is trying to say is that you should wait until Jason and I are out and have a wild party here in the house. Ben: Or we could do that... Jason: Forget it. Ben: Hey it was mom's idea. Abe: Ok,ok,ok, I give up.You can throw me a party. Mike: All right!!! Abe: But please, don't make it a big deal, all right? Mike: How can we?Mom and dad insist on being there. Ben: Look, the party is going to be a dud.But we can still make out like a bandit on the gifts. Abe: But I don't want any gifts. Ben: would you quit thinking of yourself? Maggie: Ok Chrissy, time for.....Chrissy.....were you playing in my jewelry box again after I told you not to? Chrissy: Why would you think that? Maggie: Because Mr.Blowhole is wearing my good pearl earrings. Chrissy: Bad whale!!Bad whale!!! Mike: You know guys, I'm going to make this the best birthday party ever.I've got an idea.This idea is so great, it even scares me. Jason: Last time he said that, I lost my eyebrows. Maggie: Hi Dwight. Dwight: Here's the keys to the wagon. Maggie: Did carol's plane get off safely? Dwight: Unfortunately yes. Don't get me wrong...I'm glad she's alive and all but what the heck am I going to do for a month while she's away doing research at the British museum? Jason: Oh don't take it so hard Dwight, she's going to be back before you know it.Which reminds me, her plane left 6 hours ago...Where have you been? Dwight: Well I stood there and I watched the vapor trail from her plane evaporate. Maggie: For 6 hour? Dwight: No, for five minutes.And then I did what any red blooded American man would do. Jason: Dwight have you been drinking? Dwight: Well, I'd be a liar if I didn't confess.I went down and I knocked back a few yuhus at the bleaker's street cinema. Maggie: You went to the movies? Dwight: And I saw the avant-garde film festival winner, death of an avocado. Jason: Let me just guess here, but the ending had something to do with guacamole? Dwight: We see this blue lawn chair.Then this old man comes, and he sits down on it and he plays the xylophone, and then he dies. Maggie: That's it? Dwight: It's a statement about mans tautological search for metaphysical comfort. Maggie: Where's the avocado? Dwight: There is no avocado.Well, that would be a little bit obvious don't you think? Maggie: My little pony?Is this the banner Luke wanted us to get? Chrissy: It's Luke's favorite. Maggie: Are you sure? Chrissy: It's someone's favorite. Jason: Hey...you know I don't know why more people don't shop down at Morts party warehouse.They have some great deals down there...Look at this. Maggie: What's that supposed to be? Jason: It's pin the tail on the hamster.I got it for free with the purchase of 20 party hats. Maggie: Jason, this is Greek.Does it say happy birthday? Jason: Well the salesman wasn't sure.It's either that or Dukakis in 88. Maggie: Oh honey I'm sorry to insinuate that you were cheap. Maggie: Oh he and Dwight went to get more ice cream. Jason: Dwight 's here again? Maggie: Well honey he misses Carol and he's lonely. Jason: Yeah but it seems the last couple of days every time I turn around I there's Dwight. Maggie: Jason, you are exaggerating. Jason: Last night he was reading the newspaper over my shoulder, in the bathroom. Maggie: Leave him alone...besides he and Ben are really starting to get along. Dwight: So you see the lawn chair symbolizes the anthropological conundrum that is this very existence. Ben: That's great Dwight.I never thought I'd hear my self say these words, but get Carol back now. Jason: Well maybe we can find something exotic to put on top. Dwight: Oh, I'm way ahead of you.Creamed corn!!! Mike: Luke get down here.Everybody else, come here, quick. Dwight: Whoa, you got cream corn, you got a party. Mike: Luke, you ready for your birthday present? Chrissy: Mommy, daddy, Barney showed me how to do a card trick. Maggie: Oh great, sweetie...let's see. Chrissy: Find the queen, where's she hiding?feeling lucky today, buddy? Barney: Come on kid, maybe we should talk to them a little later... Abe: No come on Barney, show them how you do it. Barney: Nooo... Chrissy: He's a lot better than I am.Maggie, Jason: Oh come on Barney let's see... Barney: Well, ok.Find the queen, where's she hiding?Tower eleven, Buckingham palace, motel 6? Ben: No offense Barney but you got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Ben Seav.....How did you do that? Barney: Well, ill tell ya...this is a lot better than your last birthday uh Abe? Maggie: Why what happened? Abe: Oh, Barney and some of the guys snuck me into the zoo after-hours.Boy, did we eat well that night! Jason: What did you eat? Barney: It's a gift. Jason: It sounds like Luke was pretty lucky to have you looking out for him. Barney: Yeah, well...you are gonna have to excuse me; I have to answer natures call. Mom: Oh, Barney, why don't you go upstairs, second door on the right. Barney: Force of habit. Mike: So everybody, what do you say we play some games? Everybody: Yeah all right. Dwight: Oh I have a great one. Ben: What?Spin the duffus? Dwight: Maybe later.This is called semantics.Someone names a word, and then we all try to give it subtle shades of meaning. Dwight: I've noticed that. Jason: Maybe we can build up to that, but now how about a rousing game of pin the tail on the hamster. Maggie: Where's the camera?I want to get a picture of this. Jason: Upstairs, our closet. Abe: Oh I'll get it. Dwight: Uhm, I just have one question about this hamster thing.How do we hold the little guy down? Abe: What were you doing? Barney: Uh, just seeing how the other half lives.You know this statue thing pulls this whole room together? Barney: Abe, how could you say something like that?I was on my way to the bathroom and the door was opened.I know I shouldn't have come in here but.... I saw the jewelry box on the dresser.I used to look through my moms all the time.Hers had this little dancing ballerina in it. And I just wanted to see if this one had one too. Abe: Barney I'm sorry.Yeah, you know I shouldn't have jumped to a conclusion like that.Hey, you forgive me? Barney: Yeah sure...come on let's go back down stairs.By the way, what's with the Dukakis hats? Mike: You're warm.Really really warm. Maggie: Dwight, Dwight... Maggie: No no no. Dwight: I can't leave now, I'm winning. Mike: Luke what do you say we open up the presents huh? Dwight: This one is from me and Carol. Abe: The complete works of Schopenhauer. Dwight: I knew it...you already read it. Abe: Even not in its original German. Ben: All right, now mine. Abe: Mega slime, hammer and sickle, the nurses? Ben: Yeah, it's got their ht single, "turn your head and cough" Abe: Can I borrow your walkman sometime? Ben: Sure. Abe: All right. Jason: Hey, you wanna open ours next. Abe: Hey my own walkman...thanks. Jason: Happy birthday. Maggie: Uh. Jason: Hey are those the pearls I gave you for our anniversary? Mom: No honey they are the real ones.Someone broke them and glued them back together with rubber cement. Chrissy: Uh, open mine next. Maggie: I'll be right back. Chrissy: It's the whole family...that's you. Abe: thanks, this is the best present I have ever gotten. Chrissy: will you put it on your wall? Abe: I'll do it right now, ill even move my Christina apple gate poster. Chrissy: I made it off the refrigerator.Finally the big time. Mom: Oh no Luke, I'm just looking for an old ring my grandmother gave me, its usually right in here. The box was open; Chrissy must have been playing with my jewelry again.Luke, Barney wasn't in here at all was he? Abe: Barney? Maggie: Oh my god, what a horrible thing to say, I'm sorry.I mean I know just because he's homeless doesn't mean he would steal. Mom: No it isn't and I'm very sorry.I mean Carol loves that ring.I bet she borrowed it to take it to England, how silly of me. Come on birthday boy.Let's go back down stairs. Abe: I'll be down in just a second, I'm just gonna hang this up. Mom: Ok. Mike: You got three words, third word is....uuuhh...sounds like....Big! Ben: Hugh! Chrissy: Hair. Dwight: Big huge hair, a dolly parton movie. Ben: If it was a dolly parton movie it be big huge... Jason: Ben! Ben: Ok, ok, sounds like hair.... Dwight: Oh hair stair, old contrair, smoking hair....Sunny in chair!!!! Chrissy: Time! Jason: Already?It was truth or dare.And you wait until it's your turn Dwight. Ben: All right, my turn. Mike: Planet of the apes.Sorry, just popped out. Jason: Moving... Mike: You are stealing, you are a robber... Jason: A layer. Abe: Thief.To catch a thief. Everybody: All right! Abe: Hey Barney it's getting a little chilly in here, want to help me go start a fre? Barney: Sure, where do you keep the trash can? Chrissy: My turn.Ben and Mike: No no. Mom: No, come on, it's only fair that Chrissy gets her turn. Ben: Come on she always reads them wrong.Last time we spent half an hour truing to figure out the sound of mustard. Barney: Boy, you could cook a lot of potatoes with that... Barney: Not that again, I told you I was just looking around. Abe: I want the ring. Barney: No. Abe: I don't believe this, how could you just steal something like that? Barney: Well, it's to feed my addiction.I'm going through a food withdrawal. Abe: But how could you do it to the people who were nice enough to take me in?Hey you don't need that ring; you do fine playing 3 card Monty. Barney: Hey come on, there probably wondering where we are...we could have chopped the whole tree down by now, let's go. Abe: Don't make me call the cops. Barney: I don't believe you.You stand there in those designer clothes, and now you tell me it's wrong to steal? What do you think is going to happen to you when you turn 18?They got four kids.Think they are going to get you a car? Think that they are going to send you to college?Two years from now, you are going to be back out on the street.Your not one of them, you're one of us. You know it, and I know it.And that's why your not going to call the cops, are you? Abe: No. Barney: Abe, come on, I don't like to see you like this.I'll tell you what were going to do.We will play 3 card Monty for the ring. And maybe you can win it back from me fair and square. Abe: What's fair about that?You always win. Barney: I'll up the odds.I'll give you three tries.Find the queen just once, you get the ring. Abe: And if I don't? Barney: I get to eat regular for a few months. Everybody: Uh, big nose...big nose, bob hope, Barbara Streisand... Mike: Pinocchio.Yeah, I got it. Jason: Wait a minute, this says dangerous liaison. Chrissy: I like Pinocchio better. Barney: Well folks, I hate to eat and run but I got to get back into town. Abe: Hey Barney, I thought we were going to play a little three card Monty. Barney: You wanna play? Abe: I said so. Barney: Well, all right. Maggie: Oh good. Ben: Oh no offense, but my money is on Barney. Jason: Me too. Barney: Ok, once upon a time there was a sleeping beauty, and a handsome prince had to open the right door, to wake her with a kiss.Sorry, wrong door. Find the queen, where's she hiding, upstairs downstairs, in my lady's chamber?Tough luck kid, try again. Mike: Face it Luke, you said it yourself, nobody can b*at this guy. Abe: I choose this one, because if this is the two, and this is the seven, then this must be the queen. Everybody: Hey, all right, yeah. Maggie: So if everybody is finished playing games, in the kitchen.Everyone except Luke. Jason: I'll get the forks. Mike and Ben: Right. Dwight: I'll get the plates and the cream corn. Barney: You knew the whole time? Abe: Actually I really thought you were the worlds only honest three card Monty player. Abe: That still doesn't change the fact that this kind of stuff is wrong.Hey, why don't you get a job, you know?Start over. Barney: That's easy for you to say, I don't exactly have the look the employment agencies want. Abe: Here. Barney: What's this for? Abe: Something to remember me by. Barney: Hmm, this should impress the guys.Mind if I... Abe: Go ahead and pawn it.It should get you a few weeks downtown and some food.Hey, and some clothes for job interviews. Barney: Thanks Abe.Take care of yourself, happy birthday. Everybody: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Luke, happy birthday to you. Jason: Did Barney leave already? Abe: Yeah he just left. Maggie: Well come on birthday boy, blow out your candles. Abe: Oh no thanks, I'm not really that hungry. Jason: Something wrong? Abe: No. Dwight: Oh, I know what it is. I always get depressed after parties, the balloons start to deflate, the guests all leave, water picks all get put away...Excuse me; I have something in my eye. Maggie: Oh come on its not over yet, Luke you haven't even finished opening your presents. Abe: Yes I have. Jason: Not this one. Abe: Well, what is it? Jason: That's a savings bond, for college. Abe: You guys don't have to do this for me. Jason: Well we didn't do it because we have to Luke, we did it because you are part of this family. Maggie: Happy birthday. Everybody: Happy birthday Luke.	{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x15 - Honest Abe"}	foreverdreaming
Mike: Ha!That's what they make you wear at Captain Sub? Luke: No, I just like to dress like Popeye. Mike: Look, when you get a new job, you do have to deal with difficult people. Luke: You mean like the customers? Mike: No, like your family. Maggie: Ahoy, matey! Jason: Permission a board! Maggie: Let me take one more to send to Carol in London... Mike: That's a great idea, Mom, then we can put a different address on it, and make her think we moved. Ben: Thanks a lot, Captain Crunch.Dad woke me up this morning with the want ads.What do you need a job for anyway? Maggie: Oh, I bet I know.He's saving for college. Luke: But first, a custom Harley. Jason: You're saving up to buy a Hog? Chrissy: He gets a Hog?You won't even let me get a kitten. Ben: Hey, Luke.What's in the bag? Luke: It's just my official Captain Sub hat. Maggie: Well put in on.I want to take a picture of the entire uniform. Ben: No, really. Maggie: Come on, they say the uniform makes the man. Ben: In this case the uniform makes the sandwich. Luke: Well, I'd better get going.My boss is driving me to work. Jason: Your boss drives you to work?I'd like to get a job like that. Luke: Well, they're looking for a counter person if you're available. Jason: Ben, you hear that?Ben!Ben! Jason: Hey, I got a tip for you Luke.You take advantage of this car-pooling opportunity to get to know your boss. He probably could teach you a thing or two. Jason: Stay back!Stay back!Hold it here everybody.I can handle this. Kevin: Hey, Luke!Ready to rock'n roll? Mike: So how was your first week at work? Luke: Well, you're now looking at the new...assistant manager. Mike: Another dumb hat, huh? Luke: You should see the hat the restroom supervisor has to wear. Maggie: Hey, Luke.Glad we caught you.We've noticed you've been keeping late hours. Luke: Well, I work 'til 9:30. Jason: Yeah, but you've been getting home after 11:00. Luke: Well, well, Kevin thinks it's a good idea to unwind after work. Jason: Ooooh, you listen to a guy who's only working at Captain Sub until he can get his criminal career off the ground? Maggie: Well, you could ask Kevin to drop you off at home, and then he can go unwind wherever he wants. Luke: I could...but, I don't want to. Maggie: Well, then, Luke.We maybe should talk about you having a curfew. Mike: Big mistake. Jason: Luke, will you excuse us for a minute? Luke: Stick up for me, and I'll slip you a hoagie. Jason: I wish you wouldn't contradict us in front of Luke. Mike: Dad, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.It's just that you were really cruising for trouble with that whole curfew thing. Jason: Oh, we are? Mike: Yeah, Dad, Luke is a different breed of horse.I mean...let's face it. You're used to Carol, who pulls the plough, and Chrissy, who's still a pony, and Ben...well, he's pretty much a horse's patoot. Mike: But Luke is like me; he's a wild mustang. Maggie: Well, thank you Gabbie. Mike: Look...my point is, is that you try to put a fence around Luke, he's just going to kick it over. Maggie: Mike, where are you going with all this horse.... Jason: Maggie... Maggie: ...analogy. Mike: Don't give him a curfew, and he'll mosey on back to the barn as soon as he's sleepy. Maggie: Need I remind you that we have successfully raised four children, and you had a curfew? Mike: No, you had a curfew.I had an open window and a trellis. Jason: Mike, we've got to run this house by our rules.Luke is a foster child here, and I see no reason why he shouldn't have a curfew. Mike: Okay, all right, fine.You can run it up the flagpole, but I don't think he'll sit on it. Jason: Luke! Maggie: Okay, Luke, we want you in the house 10:00 on weekdays and 11:00 on weekends. Luke: Okay. Jason: Well, what do you know; the wacky old parents pulled it off. Mike: Yeah, and Mr.Ed really talks. Ben: Now, Chrissy...name the shape. Chrissy: Square! Ben: No, take your time, think rounder. Chrissy: Square! Ben: Think like, think like....a pie...or the moon. Chrissy: Moon pie? Chrissy: Sorry.I'm not doing so good, am I? Ben: No, that's okay.You got two out of the last, uh, 25. Maggie: What's up?You guys playing some kind of game? Chrissy: Ben's testing to see if I have PMS. Maggie: What? Ben: Uh, ESP, mom.I'm doing an extra-credit report for Mr.Airhead's science class. Maggie: Mr.Airheart, the teacher who's been giving you such a hard time all year? Ben: Yeah.And if I don't get my average up to a B, he's not going to let me go on the class field trip to the Hayden Planetarium. Maggie: Oh, well, Ben, your father and I'd be happy to take you to the planetarium. Ben: Yes, but can you arrange for Sasha Sorotski to be sitting next to me in the dark... wearing a fuzzy sweater. Maggie: Gotcha! Mike: Ben said you guys wanted to talk to me? Maggie: It's about Luke. Jason: We're ready to admit we, uh..... Mike: ...were wrong? Jason: No. Mike: Were very, very wrong? Maggie: No, we're ready to admit that we need your help. Mike: Well, I think you made the right decision.You want to catch a mustang, you gotta use a mustang. So let me get this straight...what is it that you want me to tell him? Jason: He's grounded! Mike: No stinking way! Mike: I hate it when you guys make sense.Okay, okay, I'll talk to him. But if he's got a darn good reason for being late, I'm not giving him any punishment. Mike: Luke's home. Luke: Uh, hello. Mike: Hey, Luke.It's 11:15.You know what that means? Luke: I'm missing Arsenio! Jason: Hey!You were supposed to be home by 10:00. Mike: But I'm sure that he's got a darn good reason for being late.So, go ahead and give it to him. Luke: Uh, I was at the arcade.We found a video machine with ten free games. Mike: Well, okay, okay.You give me no choice.You're.... Maggie: ...grounded. Mike: What she said. Luke: What?But, well can it start Monday?There's a major party Friday night. Mike: Okay, sure. Maggie: Mike!You can't let him trade punishments.This isn't "Let's Make a Deal." Mike: Although he's dressed for it. Maggie: The grounding includes missing the party. Luke: I don't know why you're treating me like a kid.I gotta be in bed by 11:00.I went three years with no bed.I've spent the night in Central Park. I've survived gangs, mrder, and Pia Zadora's outdoor concert. Jason: Sorry, Luke, but this is for your own good. Luke: Oh, man!This sucks nickels! Mike: Good night. Luke: Well, thanks a lot, Mike. Mike: Hey, hey, hey.Don't look at me.You're the one who messed up, pal.Don't ever break curfew again...without at least coming up with an airtight alibi. Ben: ...My bummed Luke: Tell me about that. Ben: What you bummed about? Luke: There's a party out there, and I'm in here! Ben: You're squawking about being grounded for a week?I was grounded for 1989. Luke: So what are you bummed about? Ben: Old Man Airhead threw my report out.He says ESP's a crock, not a science. Thanks to him, someone else is gonna be picking sweater pills off of Sasha Sorotski. Luke: That Airhead's a jerk.Somebody ought to fix him good. Ben: I know; I'm gonna prove that ESP is real and that Chrissy has it.Next to her, the Amazing Creskin's gonna look only mildly interesting. Jason: Come on, Maggie, or we'll miss the opening curtain. Maggie: Jason, I have never seen you this excited about dinner theater. Jason: Well, how many times do you get to see Marla Maples and Jessica Hahn in "The Odd Couple?" Maggie: None, if you're lucky.Okay, we'll be at the Hayloft Dinner Theater. Jason: See you, Luke. Maggie: Good night, Luke. Luke: Mike, you're back.You've gotta talk to your parents. Mike: Why? Luke: You've gotta talk them into letting me go to that party. Mike: Luke, they made up their mind.What can I do? Luke: Wait a minute.Aren't you the same Mike Seaver who convinced his parents that report cards were discontinued as a tree-saving measure? Mike: I guess when you've got the talent, it is a crime not to use it. Luke: They're in the kitchen. Mike: Okay.All right.Silver-tongue is on the case. Mike: Mom!Dad!Just the people I was looking for! Jason: Oooh!Every time he uses that tone of voice, the little hairs on the back of my neck stiffen. Maggie: What are you trying to charm us out of now, Mike? Mike: Oh, no, no, no.This isn't for me.Uh, this is about Luke. You see, I think that he's really l earned his lesson, and I think his grounding should end, oh, about now. Jason: Hmm-hmm! Maggie: Mike, we have to take a stand. Jason: If we back down now, we're giving him permission to walk all over us. Mike: Well, I can live with that. Maggie: Well, we can't.Mike, when you got into the middle of this, you took on part of the responsibility for Luke. Jason: Hey, you're the one who speaks mustang.Just tell him he's still confined to the paddock.Happy trails. Maggie: Stick to your gn. Mike: I hope I sh*t myself in the foot. Luke: Mike, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you springing me for this party.You're the best, the greatest, the king. Mike: You can't go. Luke: You're slime.Did you even ask, or are you on their side now? Mike: Oh, come on, Luke.Don't be this way.Luke!Luke-ee!Luke-ster!Luke-inator!All right, all right, all right, you're tearing me apart.You can go. Luke: Really? Luke: Thank you, thank you.I didn't know if you'd come through or not.Yeah! Luke: Well, you took a sht. Mike: Remember, Luke, 11:00. Maggie: I forgot the tickets.Your father thinks my subconscious doesn't want to go to the theater.He's wrong; my subconscious wants to blow up the theater. Mike: That's funny, mom.You'd better hurry! Maggie: Mike, you trying to get rid of me? Mike: No, no, no, that's ridiculous.Shake a leg! Maggie: What's that? Mike: What's what? Luke: Let's roll! Maggie: How could you let him go? Mike: I couldn't stand to see him mad at me. Jason: Oh, come on.Kids don't like discipline.Remember when you planted Ben to see if he'd grow?We punished you; you got angry with us. Mike: No, I didn't. Maggie: Oh, yes you did.You lined your father's shorts with Ben-Gay. Mike: Oh, right.I forgot. Jason: I never will. Maggie: Neither will I. Mike: What are you guys so worried about?He promised me he'd be home by 11:00. Maggie: Well, he wasn't supposed to go out at all until you got involved. Mike: Mom, you were tired of him breaking the rules, so I just gave him one that he could live with. Maggie: What do you think, Mike, that these rules are arbitrary?That we just pull them out of a hat? Mike: Well, I've never actually seen the hat. Maggie: Ooh! Jason: We're wasting our time.You will understand one day, Mike, when you have kids of your own. Chrissy: I got it memorized. First card's square, then circle, then star, rectangle, triangle, wavy lines, red if you touch your ear, green if you pick your nose. Ben: Touch my nose!You've got to remember, honey, this is really important. Chrissy: I know...Sasha sweater super-nervous. Ben: Chrissy, if we pull this off, I'll play tea-party with you every day this month. Ben: Mr.Airheart, what a pleasure. Airheart: Seaver, if this little demonstration of yours doesn't produce some quantifiable results, not only will you be barred from the field trip, you'll be lucky to get a passing grade in my class. Ben: Mr.Airheart, we've had a rocky relationship. Airheart: Hah! Ben: Why don't we bury the hatchet? Chrissy: Pleased to meet you Mr.Airhead. Airheart: Hmm? Ben: If you'll just sit over here, we'll begin. Ben: Chrissy?You ready? Chrissy: Square. Ben: No, honey, we haven't started yet. Chrissy: Circle. Ben: Hey, what do you know!The first two are correct!Goosepimples, goosepimples. Airheart: Excuse me, Carnac, but before you proceed, do you mind if I see those cards? Airheart: I promise I'll return them.(shuffling cards) Now you may begin. Ben: Okay, Chrissy, I want you to make your mind a total blank. Airheart: She's related to you; that shouldn't be difficult. Ben: Now, Chrissy, I want you to guess what's on these cards.You have no idea how much I want you to guess what's on these cards. Chrissy: A rectangle. Ben: That's right! Airheart: Huhn! Ben: Okay. Chrissy: A triangle. Ben: How the heck!I mean, good girl. Airheart: Can you see through this? Chrissy: Nope!Let's go faster. Chrissy: Diamond...star...square...circle...red circle... Airheart: This, this, this is astonishing! Ben: You're telling me!I mean, if she starts bending spoons, I'm outta here. Airheart: Look, I don't know what you two are up to, but this has got to be some kind of a trick. Ben: Sir, you shuffled the cards yourself. Airheart: I, uh, I don't understand this. Ben: Sir, I worked very hard on setting up this experiment.We both know I'm not a bad student, and I deserve a B.I also deserve to go on that field trip. Airheart: Oh, why not.Why, I've never seen a student work so hard to get to the planetarium. Ben: Astronomy is my life! Airheart: Sasha Sorotski isn't so bad either. Ben: Chrissy, you actually guessed what I was holding up? Chrissy: Are you kidding?What do I look like, a mind-reader? Ben: Well, then, what's the difference between this time and last time? Chrissy: Last time I couldn't see the reflection in your glasses. Ben: So, these tea parties; do I sit next to Mr.Teddybear, or by you? Chrissy: By me. Mike: Ok, ok.10:59, He'll be home by 11:00.Luke's a responsible kid.I can set my watch by the Luke-meister. TV Announcer: It's 11:00, do you know where your children are? Mike: Oh, that little two-faced twerp!What, does he think these rules are just arbitrary, like I pull them out of some hat锛? TV Announcer: Two lanes of the Long Island Expressway have been temporarily closed, due to an overturned chicken truck.Guess you'd better steer clear. Offering biscuits and gravy. Mike: Chickens!I'd hate to be caught in that mess. Mike: How bad is it? Nurse: Code F!Code F! Mike: Well, what does that mean? Doctor: I'll have to do a feather-ectomy.There's hope, he's a plucky little guy.Nurse! Nurse: Yes, doctor. Doctor: Tweezers Nurse: Tweezers. Mike: Luke, Luke!Can you hear me?Are you all right? Luke: (spitting) Is that you, Mike? Mike: Yeah, yeah, it's me.I'm right here. Luke: Why didn't you stop me from going to the party? Mike: What is it? Doctor: I'll have to call in a specialist.Nurse! Nurse: Yes, doctor. Doctor: Get Colonel Sanders on the phone. Nurse: Colonel Sanders is dad, sir. Doctor: Oh-oh! Mike: Oh come on, what kind of trouble could he possibly get into?I mean, it's not like he's wild. Pool Player: It's kinda late, Brower, shouldn't you be getting home? Luke: (laughing) My guardian's the perfect sap!I've got him trained like a cocker spaniel. Pool Player: (laughing) It's nice to have a pet. Luke: Hey, bartender!Another round of root-beer floats!And leave the bottle! Mike: I knew it!Gosh, mom was right!There's no telling what could happen after 11:00.He could run wild. He could break the law.He could take up a life of crime. Priest: My son, do you have any last confessions? Luke: I liked Ishtar. Priest: That'll cost you.Is there anyone you'd like me to contact? Luke: Call Mike Seaver.Thanks to him, I ran wild, broke curfew, and took up a life of crime.How come suddenly there's an echo? Priest: We only use it on the important words.Well, the chair is waiting.Let's get cookin'.Sorry. Mike: He liked Ishtar? Mike: Luke, Luke!Do you have any idea what time it is? Luke: Hey, I guess I blew it with that curfew thing, but at least I bat your parent home. Mike: Hey, forget about my parents.You've got to answer to me. Luke: Mike!Mike-ee!Mike-a-maniac! Mike: Hey, don't you Mike-a-maniac me!You're grounded. Luke: What? Mike: For one month. Luke: You're kidding! Mike: No, I'm not kidding.Do you have any idea what you put me through tonight?I mean, I'm imagining that you're d*ad. Wondering if I'm ever gonna see you again. Luke: Hey, I didn't do anything you haven't done a million times. Listen to me!Next thing you know, I'll be wearing white shoes and my belt up around my nipples. Jason: That's it, Luke.You're grounded, and this time we mean business. Maggie: Two weeks. Mike: Hey, hey, I grounded him for a month. Jason: A month?Isn't that a little severe? Mike: Dad, please.Do not undermine me in front of the K-I-D. Now listen, mister, I want you to march up to your room, and think about what you've done.I'm serious.And wipe that look off your face. Luke: Phew! Maggie: Mike, don't you want to reconsider?You were a little rough on him. Mike: You'll understand when you have kids. Maggie: Shh!Don't tell Mike, but I brought you up a little extra dessert. Luke: Thanks! Maggie: I'm still working on him to give you time off for good behavior. Luke: Thanks! Jason: Hi, Luke.Where's Mike? Luke: Uh, I haven't seen him. Jason: Good.So, uh, I know he said no more TV, but... Luke: TV! Jason: Shh!Just put it away.Put it away.I was never here. Luke: Great, you're spying on me. Mike: Luke, it's time you learned something from being grounded. Luke: Boy, you don't let up.What, are you measuring the window for bars? Luke: But this is your punishment. Mike: I know.And if you say anything, you're grounded.Let's go! Luke: Mike!	{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x16 - Vicious Cycle"}	foreverdreaming
Ben: Can you believe it?I bagged an A-minus on the test.How'd you do? Luke: No big deal. Ben: A-plus? Luke: Made some lucky guesses. Ben: In algebra? Luke: It's not like math is an exact science. Luke: Okay, I'll get a B next time. Ben: That's Sasha Soroski.Today's the day Sasha's going to ask me to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Luke: How do you know? Ben: Well, it's the payoff of my master plan of conquest. Luke: Your what? Ben: Phase one; I ignored her.Phase two; sat across from her in the lunchroom, never made eye contact. Phase three; pulled some strings to get into her English class.Sat behind her the whole year; never talked to her once. Luke: You've been doing this all semester? Ben: Don't be silly.Since sixth grade.And it's definitely worth it, because now I've become that unattainable, desirable, man of mystery. Luke: Okay... Ben: She wants me so bad! Luke: What! Ben: What, are you blind?She practically undressed me with her eyes. Luke: That little tease. Ben: It's time to put that poor, love-starved girl out of her misery. Cheryl: Hi, Ben. Ben: Hi, Cheryl. Luke: Hey, what's going on? Cheryl: What a coincidence running into you. Ben: This is the eighteenth coincidence today. Cheryl: Somehow I seem to have memorized your schedule. Luke: You did? Ben: Look, uh, Cheryl, can we talk later?I'm kinda busy. Cheryl: Too busy for our history presentation? Ben: Our history presentation? Cheryl: We signed up as partners in class last week. Ben: I don't remember that. Cheryl: You were sleeping; I held up your hand.So, when do you want to get together to work on it?After school? Ben: Not really. Cheryl: Tonight? Ben: We'll discuss it. Cheryl: Later tonight? Ben: Look, uh, Cheryl, Luke and I have got some man things to talk about.You know, spitting...scratching. Ben: What? Cheryl: I also wanted to know....would you go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me on Saturday night? Ben: Uh, gee, I'd like to, but my mom's come on. Cheryl: Is that Maybe? Ben: No, I don't know.I think that's the night my mom's having her surgery. Cheryl and Luke: Really? Cheryl: What's wrong with her? Ben: Um, nothing serious; she's, uh, donating a kidney. Cheryl: Oh, my gosh.To who? Ben: Oh, whoever pops up. Ben: Yeah, right. Cheryl: Bye! Ben: Anyway, Sasha awaits.(blows in palm) Won't kll her. Ben: All right, I've let you dangle long enough.Your hunk-a-hunk-a-burning love is here. Chrissy: Is Mike home yet?I got my first homework assignment today. Jason: Oh-ho, I'm not so sure Mike's the one you want to ask for help. Chrissy: Sure he is; he can tell me how to get out of it. Jason: Why do you want to get out of it? Chrissy: Dad, we're not talking "bring in a leaf from the backyard." This is big time; I have to tell my class what your jobs are. Maggie: Well, honey, that sounds like fun.And we'll both help you. Chrissy: So I'm stuck doing it? Carol: Guess who got an A on her first lab assignment from Felix "I flunked my mother" Fitzsimmons. Maggie: Chrissy, if you want help, there's the person to go to. Carol: Help with what? Maggie: Chrissy just got her first homework assignment. Carol: Huh!That's wonderful!I remember mine.We had to describe our favorite time of year.I chose winter. Jason: Oh right, then we had to have two parent-teacher conferences over that one. Carol: I still can't believe that I was the only five-year-old to see "Frosty the Snowman" as a metaphor for death. Chrissy: I'll wait for Mike. Ben: Dill chips, peanut butter, and mayonnaise? Mike: Hey, guys. Luke: Hey, Mike, you want one of my miracle sandwiches? Mike: What's the miracle? Ben: If you can swallow it without hurling. Mike: Thanks, anyway, but Kate's making a macrobiotic dinner for me tonight.I've got to be totally starved to choke it down. Hey, guys, there's a girl walking up the walk there.She's kind of cute; she's about your age.Must be lost. Ben: Oh, no, it's Cheryl Murray.We were supposed to work on that stupid assignment.What a pest!Look, make an excuse for me. Mike: Ben, there is no excuse for you. Luke: What about your history project? Ben: I'm not doing homework when I can be out living the wild life.I'm going bowling with Stinky. Luke: Doesn't get any better than that. Luke: Uh, hi.Ben had to go to Stinky's.It was an emergency. Cheryl: Oh, gee, anything serious? Luke: Nah, emergencies happen a lot to guys named Stinky. Cheryl: You don't have to cover for him.It's me, isn't it?He thinks I'm a dork. Luke: Oh, no he doesn't. Cheryl: Really? Luke: He doesn't even think. Cheryl: Well, I guess I'll work on my presentation alone. Luke: Well, what's it on? Cheryl: The 500th anniversary of Columbus' voyage. Luke: Thanks for reminding me, you know, I still have to get him a gift. Cheryl: Huh? Luke: Yeah, what does a 500-year-old explorer need? Cheryl: Mouth-to-mouth? Guest shts on Hollywood Squares. "I'll take Christopher Columbus to block." Cheryl: He'd probably be selling his own line of perfume; Chris Columbus' Discovery: A New World Odor. Luke: Today on Oprah: Men who exploit the New World, and the women who love them. Cheryl: And of course he'd be on Arsenio. Luke: That's how you should do your project. Cheryl: Yeah, like a talk show. Luke: Ladies and gentlemen, he proved the world is bigger and rounder than the Pillsbury Doughboy's butt.Give it up for my man, Christopher Columbus! Cheryl and Luke: Woo-hoo-hoo! Luke: Chris, two words.New.World.How did you do it? Cheryl: Dedication, perseverance, and regular floggings. Luke: I hear you.Okay; you're an explorer, you're a sailor, you're a navigator.What next? Cheryl: I want to direct. Luke: We gotta take a break; we'll be right back. Cheryl and Luke: Woo-hoo-hoo! Chrissy: So Ben says people come into your office, and they lay down on the couch. Jason: Some people do, yes. Chrissy: Do you make them take a nap? Jason: No, no, no, they don't sleep.The couch just helps them relax. Chrissy: Is this before or after you shrink their heads? Jason: No, that's a figure of speech.I just talk to them. Chrissy: About what? Jason: Well, whatever they want to talk about.Whatever they need to talk about. A lady came in to see me yesterday because she was really upset with her husband. Chrissy: Like mommy? Jason: No, no, this lady is upset all the time. Chrissy: Oh, like Carol. Jason: No, no, let's see, um, people think they know the reasons they do things. But inside of every person there's sort of a second person in there, and that's the real reason we do things. They leaves 2 people, We'll always fight each other, try to control a third person. Jason: This would be easier if you understood the id, ego, and superego. Cheryl: This would be easier if you were a fireman. Mike: Oh, man, I am starved.I need something with meat or sugar or fat in it. Luke: I thought you ate at Kate's. Mike: Oh, well, we had, let's see; hay, stucco patties, and for dessert we split a Chia pet. Luke: Well how about I make you a sandwich with no ingredients that occur in nature? Mike: Oh, all right, now that's food! Luke: Mike, I need your advice about dating.And Ben. Mike: Well, that's easy enough; he's not your type. Luke: I'm talking about Cheryl. Mike: Oh, was that the girl who was here earlier? Luke: Yeah.Anyway, she likes Ben. Mike: Oh, so she's insane. Luke: Maybe, but I like her.And I think she likes me.I mean, ever since she left, she's all I can think about. And Ben; well, I get the impression he'd like her to disappear. Mike: Yeah? What makes you think that? uke: Well, he said "I wish she'd disappear." Mike: Great!Then what's the problem? Luke: I don't know the rules about dating.Is it all right for me to see Cheryl again? Mike: Yeah, it sounds great to me.I mean, you get her, she gets you, and Ben gets Stinky. Ben: Hey, nice sweater.I got one just like it, only I never wear it.It makes me look like a dork. Luke: Actually, this is your sweater.I mean, I didn't think you'd mind.Everybody says it makes you look like a dork. Ben: Hey, there she is.So, how's this sound?Uh, so Sasha, you doing anything special Saturday night between eight and midnight?What do you think? Luke: Nice balance between subtlety and begging. Ben: Oh, no, not now.It's Cheryl.At least I think it's Cheryl.She looks so girl-like.Look, do me a favor. Keep her busy so she doesn't blow my chances with Sasha. Luke: I gotta go to class... Cheryl: Hi Ben, Hi Luke. Ben: Ah, uh, Cheryl, um, I gotta run.Luke was just asking me about my schedule.Maybe you could fill him in? Ben: Hi, Sasha.And speaking of the Sadie Hawkins dance... Sasha: Me and you?What, are you joking?Not in a million years!Don't ever speak to me again. Ben: Hey, I already have a date for the dance, so quit throwing yourself at me.It's over, baby! Ben: So, Cheryl, I've got some good news. Cheryl: Have you found someone for your mom's kidney? Ben: No, uh, actually nobody needed it, so they put it back. Cheryl: Uh-huh. Ben: So, uh, now I can go to the dance with you. Cheryl: Gee, Ben, I'm sorry, but since you didn't give me an answer, I'm going with Luke. Chrissy: About mrder and stuff? Maggie: No, but it's very important. Chrissy: About what? Maggie: Boxer shorts. Chrissy: No, really. Honey, a consumer reporter tests different products to tell people which ones they should buy. Today it's men's boxer shorts. "Happy Man" boxer shorts. "If what's inside your shorts really matters, only Happy Man shorts will do." Uh, okay, let's test the waistband. Chrissy: Ouch! Maggie: Well, the elastic has to be strong.Who wants their shorts around their ankles? Chrissy: Not me! Maggie: They also claim to be specially treated to resist stains.Well, we shall see. Chrissy: This is a lot more fun than daddy's job. Maggie: Okay, we'll finish up later.Let's get dinner out of the oven. Ben: Where's Luke? Maggie: Well, I think he's... Ben: (yelling) Luke! Maggie: ...upstairs. Ben: (yelling) Luke! Luke: Good pipes!Every Luke within five miles is on his way over. Ben: I can't believe you humiliated me in front of the entire school. Luke: What? Ben: You knew Cheryl Murray was my territory. Luke: Your territory?You treat her like dog dirt. Ben: We've got a special relationship.And it's none of your business. Luke: Oh, yeah?Well, I'm making it my business.I'm the guy who's taking her to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Ben: Yeah?Over my dad body! Luke: Oh that can be arranged. Ben: Yeah? Luke: Yeah! Maggie: Anybody ready for some dinner? Ben: Yum-yum. Luke: Mm-boy. Ben: This is my chair. Luke: No, it's not. Ben: Yes, it is.I always sit here; the one furthest from Carol. Jason: C'mon Ben, you sit next to your sister. Ben: Thanks a lot. Carol: Thanks a lot. Maggie: Okay, tonight by special request; chicken and mushrooms. Ben: Whose request?I hate mushrooms! Ben: I've never liked mushrooms.All my life I've made that very clear.I will not eat fungus. Chrissy: Eww!Me either!What's fungus? Ben: It's like the stuff between Luke's toes. Chrissy: Eww! Luke: Like the stuff between your ears. Chrissy: Eww! Jason: Ben, c'mon, watch it; your mother went to a lot of trouble....defrosting...that chicken.And opening that can of mushroom soup. Ben: Did I mention I hate mushrooms? Carol: What's the big deal?Just pick them out. Ben: Well, if I was gonna pick something out, I'd pick out a new family who lived in a mushroom-free zone. Jason: Can we just have some pleasant conversation around here? Ben: Fine. Jason: All right.So Luke, you making a lot of new friends at school? Ben: (choking) Maggie: Ben, are you all right? Chrissy: It's the fungus. Ben: I'm fine.Sorry if my near-death experience ruined anyone's meal. Luke: Didn't ruin mine. Carol: I'm fine. Mike: No problem here. Ben: Carol, will you please ask Luke to pass the salt. Carol: Luke, pass Ben the salt please. Ben: Tell him I'll save him some in case he wants to pour any of it in my wounds. Luke: Listen, I don't know why you're so mad at me.Mike said I wasn't doing anything wrong. Ben: Mike?You told him to do this to me? Mike: Ben, would you keep it down?I'm trying to enjoy my chicken here. Ben: Oh, you like dinner so much?You can have some of mine. Entire family: (yelling) Hey!Stop it you two! Jason: What's going on between you guys? Mike: What are you throwing food at me for? Ben: I'm sorry, excuse me.I didn't mean to throw food at Mike.I meant to throw it at him! Entire family: (yelling) Maggie: I said stop it! Jason: Get out of here!All you guys!And you go with them, since you obviously have something to do with this, Mike.Big surprise! Chrissy: Can't they stay?I've never seen a food fight before. Jason: You just stay here and eat your chicken and fungus. Mike: C'mon, Ben.We didn't think you were interested in Cheryl. Ben: That didn't mean I wanted her stolen away by some sniveling weasel. Luke: Yeah, well, this sniveling weasel's gonna pop you one. Ben: Yeah? Mike: Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys, c'mon.You're fighting over a girl. All right, now why don't you save it for the important stuff, like...who gets the remote control. Ben: That's another thing; how come he gets the remote control all the time? Luke: Yeah?How would you like the channels changed on your face? Mike: Hey, hey, hey, guy, guys, knock it off.All right now, Luke, c'mon, go upstairs and give me a minute to figure this out with Ben. Luke: Sure, I gotta go Q-tip the mashed potatoes out of my ear. Mike: Now, Ben, you mind telling me what's going on here? Ben: Cheryl adored me.She worshipped at the shrine o'Ben. Mike: Oh, now, c'mon.Do you think that's really fair?To use some girl like that to stroke your own ego? Ben: Of course. Mike: Ben, what if some girl was doing the same thing to you?Oh, I'm sorry about that.How is my hair? Ben: Mike, she made me feel important.I mean, all my life I've been Seaver's little brother.I mean, that's all I ever heard. I'm finally out of your shadow, and now I'm the kid who lives with Luke. I mean, he gets better grades than me, looks better in my clothes, and I choke on his mushrooms. He's even stealing the advice you should be giving me.You're my brother, not Luke's! Chrissy: Hi! Jason and Maggie: Hi, Honey! Maggie: How was school?Did you tell them about our jobs. Chrissy: Yeah!It was great.I even drew pictures. Jason: Oh, how nice. Maggie: That's very imaginative. Chrissy: Yeah, it was great.First I told them what daddy does.I said he takes women into his office, closes the door and makes them lay on the couch. An hour later they come out crying and give him money. Maggie: And what did you tell them about my job? Maggie: Oh-oh. Chrissy: And I said when you finish, you pour hot coffee on them. Jason: Well, what did your teacher think of this report? Chrissy: She must have liked it; she told me to go straight home and have you call her. Jason: Yeah, why don't we do that right now.[Doorbell] Cheryl: Hi, is Ben home? Jason: Yeah, come on in.Ben! Ben: Cheryl, what a pleasant surprise. Cheryl: I just came here to drop off your history notes, since we won't be doing our presentation together. Ben: What are you talking about?We're partners. Cheryl: Not anymore. Ben: Cheryl, what happened to our relationship that let an outsider come between us? Cheryl: You never called, we never went out, and you made fun of me at school. Ben: Sure, if you want to nitpick.But we can make things the way they used to be. Cheryl: The way they used to be?Me hanging around your locker, doing your homework, hoping that just once you'd eat lunch with me? Ben: Worked for me. Cheryl: Forget it!It didn't make you like me.And you know, I didn't like me either. Luke may not be interested in me, but things are never going back to the way they were. Ben: Wait!Wait a minute.What do you mean; Luke's not interested in you? Cheryl: Ask him; he broke our date. Ben: He did?Why? Cheryl: He said something about family problems. Ben: Look, Cheryl, I've been a jerk and I'm sorry.Would you mind going in the kitchen for a minute? Cheryl: Why?Do you want me to fix you dinner? Ben: Just for a minute, please.(yelling) Luke! Luke: You bellowed? Ben: Listen.What happened between you and Cheryl? Ben: But I thought you said you really liked her. Luke: Yeah, but I didn't know you'd get so freaked.And besides, you and your family have been so good to me, this isn't how I wanted to repay you. See you around. Ben: Luke, we don't need you to repay us.You know, we want you here. Luke: I've seen it happen to kids before.One day you just go too far and wear out your welcome. Ben: If that were true, Carol'd have been gone a long time ago. Luke: Well, we never did fight over mushrooms and sweaters before. Ben: Look, I'd never fight like that with a stranger.Only a brother...who really ticks me off. Luke: The feeling's mutual. Ben: Well, since it looks like we're both gonna be here awhile, would you mind doing me a favor? Luke: Sure. Ben: Go check out my history presentation.It's in the kitchen. Luke: Your history presentation? Ben: Just get in there, mushroom-breath! Cheryl: Luke. Luke: Cheryl. Cheryl: Listen, I...I'd better go. Luke: No, no, no.You can stay; I'll go. Cheryl: No, no, no.You can stay. Luke: No, no, no.I'm going. Cheryl: Luke, you live here. Luke: Oh. Cheryl: Well, see ya. Luke: Look, Cheryl. There's two ways I can play this; I can spend the next three years ignoring you until you're crazed with desire for me, or plan B - I could ask you here and now to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Cheryl: No, you can't.I'm supposed to ask you.Okay, two words.Sadie.Hawkins. Luke: One word.Yes. Cheryl and Luke: Woo-hoo-hoo!	{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x17 - Menage a Luke"}	foreverdreaming
Public Announcement: Attention people; those interested in testifying at Nurse Downer's parole hearing should report to the office.Have a nice day. Luke: All right, there she is.The time to strike is now. Ben: Nothing weird hanging out of my nose? Luke: Just the usual. Ben: What?That's it!I'm not going! Luke: Just get over there and talk to her. Ben: Hi, Becka. Becka: Hi, Ben. Ben: Listen... Razor: Hey!Four eyes!Did I say that you could talk to Becka? Ben: Actually, my name's Ben. Razor: Shut up!You know, I don't like your attitude.I don't like the way you talk.I don't even like the way you breath. Ben: Less nasal?More nasal?A little more through the mouth? Razor: In fact, the only thing I do like about you is your cap. Ben: Thanks, I just got it. Razor: Give it to me. Ben: What? Razor: Take it off your head, and put it in my hand by the time I count to three.One!Two...Chicken.Why don't you cluck? Ben: Look, Razor, I know you're a tough guy, but there are certain things I will not do.Uh, so what are we talking here? Like, Rhode Island red, which is kind of a...(clucking)?Like a Jersey giant, which is kind of ....(clucking)? Maggie: Chrissy, I told you to get in the bath. Chrissy: I don't want to. Jason: (clearing throat) Chrissy: Okay, daddy!Whatever you say! Maggie: Wait a minute.She ignores me totally, and you just clear your throat?What is this, some kind of psychological minimalist type of thing? Jason: No, no.Just kind of a, you know, choking on a Chik-let kind of thing. Ben: That's it!I've made my decision, and you're not talking me out of it.I want a gn. Jason: (gasping) Forget it! Ben: Okay, you talked me out of it.Here's plan B; I want to take karate lessons. Jason: Karate? Maggie: Why? Ben: You guys remember my brand-new $27 cap?Well, this punk at school named Razor made me give it to him in front of Becka and everybody. Jason: Come on, Ben, you've had to deal with bullies before...$27 cap? Ben: This kid is dangerous.He is certified USDA mean. Jason: Well, I think you should report this to the vice-principal. Jason: There's gotta be a better way to handle this, Ben.Why don't you just go...? Ben: What's so about karate?I mean, it's philosophical, it's graceful, and it teaches you how to put your foot through somebody's brain. Maggie: Oh!Ben, if that's why you want to learn karate, you can forget it. Ben: Fine!Then let me go look in my closet to see if I have anything else in Razor's size. Jason: Ben!Wait a minute, Ben.Maggie, maybe it's not such a bad idea to let him take a few karate lessons. Maggie: No way. Jason: Well, you don't know what it's like.You've never had somebody bully you around at school. Maggie: Well, as a matter of fact, Didi Ribozo tried to keep me from using the girl's bathroom the entire junior year. Jason: So what did you do? Maggie: I gave up liquids during school hours. Jason: See, you gave in.That's not the way you want Ben to solve this. Maggie: Well, I know that, Jason.But I also don't want him putting his foot through someone's brain. Jason: Well, right now, someone's brain is inside Ben's cap. I don't like volence any more than you do, but we're both gonna feel better if he knows how to protect himself. Maggie: Yeah, but I just wish there was some way he could reason with this boy. Jason: Maggie, it is my experience there are two kinds of people; those you reason with, and those named Razor. Dwight: Mike, I really appreciate you taking the time to help me sell my car. Mike: Oh, how could I not help?And Dwight, you could be the man that marries Carol, and takes her far, far away.I'm just thanking you in advance. Car buyer1: Excuse me.I'm her about the car. Mike: Oh, yes!I'm telling you, they broke the mold when they made this baby. Dwight: Oh, I sure hope so.It's got a faulty heater hose, the fan belt's worn out, it doesn't start in the rain, the starter kinda goes ruhn-ruhn, and when you turn the radio on the lights go off. Car buyer1: Good luck! Mike: Dwight!What are you doing? Dwight: Telling the truth. Mike: To sell a used car? Dwight: Mike, you aren't suggesting that I lie, are you? Mike: No!I'm ordering you to lie. Dwight: Mike, I've only lied once in my whole life.I told my mother that I'd washed my hands before dinner when I hadn't. The words were barely out of my mouth, when a very large piece of Skylab came crashing down through our roof.It was an omen, Mike. Mike: Okay, Chicken Little.Well, then we won't call it lying.We'll just call it accentuating the positive. You know, try to think of the good things you can say about the car with a clear conscience. Dwight: If you get ht from behind, there's a pretty good chance it won't explode. Mike: Great!You see, that's not so hard, is it? Dwight: No. Mike: Okay. Dwight: But I will not lie. Mike: Dwight, I'm with you 110 percent.Okay, let's talk about it while we roll back the odometer. Maggie: Okay, Ben, we have to go in back to get your uniform. Ben: Oh, I'll be right there. Villian leader: Hey, there, you!Blond boy!People say you are looking around to find me. Ben: Correct!I hate you with great hatred. Villian leader: While you are looking for us, we have decimated your little town. Villian: (laughing) And pstol-whipped your goldfish. Ben: Prepare for a very painful death. Villian leader: Silence!I am tired of this snappy patter.Let us fight and make snappy patter. Ben: You fight like my aunt Bertha. Ben: It's a pity there are only five of you.I was hoping to break a sweat.Swamp-dwelling insects. Villian leader: Destroy him. Ben: (laughing) Villian leader: Blond boy!You are not bad, but you must fight with greater dexterity, if you want to challenge me. Villian leader: And now, I shall laugh in your face. Ben: Nobody laughs in my face.It is I who shall laugh in yours.(laughing) And now, prepare yourself to taste my fist. Ben: Ai-yah! Maggie: Ben, are you okay? Ben: Oh, yeah! Sim: Faster!Again!One, two, three, four! Maggie: Uh, uh, excuse me, excuse me, uh, Master Sim, Master Sim... Sim: Tell me, Ben.Have you ever seen a fight between cobra and mongoose? Ben: Uh, just Mike and my dad when the rent's due. Sim: Same principal; attck, counter-attck.Get ready!We're gonna go faster now.Go!One, two, three... Maggie: No!No!Master Sim, please!You might hurt him. Ben: Aw, mom. Sim: Ben, take a break. Maggie: I'm sorry, Master Sim, but this is all much too violent. Maggie: No, the only hand-to-hand combat I do is at the Macy's white sale. Ben: No, mom.I'll just be showing you how I'm learning to defend myself.Is that all right Master Sim? Sim: Yes, but remember your mother has had no lessons, so block her blows, but don't counter-punch. Ben: Okay, mom.Just try and punch me. Maggie: Ah!Oh! Sim: Good footwork, Ben. Maggie: Okay, Ben.If you're sure. Ben: Ai-yah! Maggie: (hitting Ben) Oh!Oh!Oh, my God!Oh, Ben!Are you all right, sweetheart?Oh!Oh, honey! Mike: Hey, you know, Ben, I've been thinking about your problem. And I really think that if you keep up this karate, and you study real hard for the next three years, you could take mom. After that, who knows; grandma, Carol, probably most of the girls at school. Ben: My mother clocks me.My brother makes fun of me.How much worse can this get? Maggie: Hey, you, little blond boy.I see you are depressed and humiliated. Ben: Oh, please, mom.Don't make fun of me. Maggie: Don't be silly, little blond boy.I would never do such a thing.Unless I had help of course, from family and friends. Jason: You are so very weak.I have replaced your CD's with....Perry Como records. Mike: And painted your guitar. Luke: And stolen your girlfriends. Jason: And put new sheets on your bed decorated with tiny hearts and flowers. Ben: Come on, you guys. Entire family: (karate sounds) Maggie: I grow weary of these attcks.Let his friends at school attck him. Ben: No, please, mom, don't make me go to school. Maggie: Have no fear, little blond boy.We shall send you to school with a fearsome bodyguard. Chrissy: Ai-yah!I will protect you, little blond boy.And then I shall laugh in your face. Maggie: Hey, Ben.You didn't finish your breakfast. Ben: Mom, I made my decision.I'm quitting karate. Maggie: You want to quit? Ben: Yeah.I'd quit school but it's illegal.I'd quit the family but I'd starve.Look, you mind if I stay home from school today?I'm not feeling so good. Maggie: I guess it's all right. Ben: Thanks. Car buyer2: Well, it certainly looks fine.I'll take it! Dwight: Oh, there are a couple of problems that you should probably.... Mike: Uh, say, Dwight, uh.Do you happen to have the same craving for some port wine cheese balls as I do? Dwight: Why, yes I do.I thought it was just me. Mike: Boy, I say, why don't you go whip us up some, and I'll, uh, close the deal. Dwight: Sure. Car buyer2: What are these problems he's talking about? Mike: Oh, oh, nothing ma'am.That's just Dwight.He, he happens to think that we're not charging enough. But since when is selling a car about making money?It's about people helping people, right? Car buyer2: (sighing) Isn't that sweet!(gasping) Say, what's that black puddle under there? Mike: Oh, uh, th-that's perfectly normal.Uh, it's, well, just the same way that your body sweats, uh, a car releases moisture.It's, uh, a sign of health. Car buyer2: Well, my friends say I should have it checked by a mechanic, but you have such an honest face.Shall I make the check out to you? Dwight: Well, well, well.You told the truth. Mike: Well, I didn't mean to.It just slipped out. Dwight: Cheese ball? Mike: Dufus!Oh, sorry. Dwight: Well, Mike, I guess you're right.We'll never sell the car by telling the truth. Mike: Oh, yeah?Well, I got an idea.Dwight, you pop the hood.I'm gonna get my tools.You and I are gonna fix this car. Mike: Dwight, that's the trunk. Dwight: Oh, my God!Where have I been putting the oil? Jason: Okay.All right.We'll deal with Ben your way. Maggie: Trust me, Jason, it'll work. Jason: Last time you said that we had to get married. Maggie: Oh!He's coming. Jason: Hey, Ben.Your mom says you want to give up karate lessons. Ben: Look, dad.I tried; I failed; my life is ruined. Jason: C'mon, that eye's gonna be fine.But there's no reason why you can't go right back to karate class. Maggie: Jason, what are you talking about?The next person he fights might not love him like I do. Jason: Well, I don't want our son to give up just because he got hurt, Maggie. Maggie: Jason, he wasn't just hurt.He was taken out, flattened, destroyed!By his mommy!I'm sorry, pookie, does it still hurt? Ben: No!I've made peace with being a four-eyed geek, whose butt was kicked by his mother. Jason: Ben, I don't want you to quit, and I'm gonna tell you why. Jason: Oh, come on.I mean, you've been down before, Ben, and every time you've been down before, you've reached down deeper for some of that "heck, I can do it" Seaver spirit, right? Ben: And I thought you were gonna give me a pep talk. Jason: And what about the cap thing? Ben: Wait a minute.... Maggie: Jason, let him quit. Jason: Oh, we still gotta eat the cost of those karate lessons. Maggie: Well, Chrissy can take them. Jason: Ah. Maggie: Honey, we should just face it.It's obvious that Ben doesn't have the talent, the drive, or the ability. Jason: God knows, he's a klutz. Ben: Okay, okay.I'm starting to feel that "heck, I can do it" Seaver spirit.Mom, dad, I'm going back to karate. And you know, you guys used to be much better at this "good cop, bad cop" thing. Maggie: So, would you glad trust me? Jason: Both times. Sim: Let's go!Huh! Sim: Recall your kicks. Maggie: That's great!Great! Car Buyer3: She's kinda old.How's she holding up? Mike: Just like brand new, because I have, and may a satellite strike me if I'm lying, not only tuned it up, but I have changed the brakes, I've checked the alignment, fixed the fuel pump, I have replaced all the hoses, and preset all the radio stations. Car buyer3: Sounds great!Will you accept a personal check? Dwight: No! Car buyer3: Even with two forms of ID? Dwight: No! Car buyer3: All right, I'll offer you cash. Dwight: No!We're not selling. Mike: Dwight!We're not what? Dwight: Mike, I only wanted to sell it cause it went (car noises), and now that's gone!It's going vroom-vroom! And my heart's going thawagada-thawagada-thawagada. Mike: Dwight, will you join me for a minute in this time zone? Dwight: Mike, thanks to you I love my car again.And we're not selling! Mike: Dwight!You cheese-eating, tangle-haired, medieval moron!I put over $500 of labor into this hunk of junk! Dwight: Thank you. Luke: Woo!Hey, Ben!Looking fresh. Ben: Thanks. Ben: Well, it's Becka.Finally I'm ready to talk to her. Luke: If Becka's around, so is Razor. Ben: Don't worry about it.I know what to do. Ben: Hi, Becka. Becka: Hi, Ben. Razor: Hi, geek. Ben: The name's Ben. Razor: Oh, that's right.You had it written inside my new hat. Ben: Look, I don't want any trouble. Razor: Oh, yeah?Well, you know what I want?I want that nice, new jacket you've got on. Ben: Okay, he's facing me three-quarters to the left. That leaves him wide open for a fake jab, step in, back-kick to the ribs, and I can finish him off with a palm thrust to the nose. Razor: What are you staring at, geek?Am I gonna have to bust you one?I said give it to me now. Luke: Somebody get the nurse, quick, this guys hurt. Razor: What are you staring at, geek?Am I gonna have to bust you one?I said give it to me now. Luke: No.I'm not giving you this jacket, or anything else ever again. Razor: Whoa!Big man, huh?Big words.All right, geek, c'mon, let's throw.Show me what you've got, tough guy, huh! C'mon, let's go for it right here, right now!Go for it! Razor: C'mon, geek, let's go for it.Huh!Huh! Ben: I'm not gonna fight you. Razor: Did you hear that?He said he's not gonna fight me, huh.What am I supposed to do, huh?Stand on his feet, and use him like a punching bag? Luke: Hey, man, you were amazing. Ben: Thanks.I came real close to getting ugly. Luke: Well, speaking of ugly, you can forget about Becka.She's not worth it. Gail: Excuse, me.Ben? Ben: Yeah? Gail: I really like the way you handled that creep. Ben: Thanks. Gail: Save you a seat at lunch? Ben: Sure.I'm always hungry.	{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x18 - The Five Fingers of Ben"}	foreverdreaming
Maggie: As madcap as you make it sound, I can't. Jason: Mmmmm... Maggie: Oh, honey, you're just upset because the program committee didn't ask you to speak this year. Jason: Upset?Maggie, please.If they want to load up their convention with trendy doctors who plug their vacuous books on Donahue, up theirs! Maggie: That's the spirit. Maggie: (kissing) Have a good trip. Jason: Yeah, yeah. Maggie: Bye. Jason: Bye. Maggie: Morning! Eddie: Morning. Maggie: Eddie! Eddie: Why, Mrs.S... may I say you are looking lovelier than ever. Maggie: Eddie, what are you doing here? Eddie: I tried breaking into Mike's apartment, but he wasn't home. Maggie: Oh, so you broke into our kitchen instead? Eddie: Well, you changed the locks since last time I was here.What could I do?So, where is Mike? Maggie: Oh, He and Luke are out. Eddie: Oh, Mike finally got himself a dog, huh? Maggie: No.Luke's a foster child. Eddie: Even better.They come house-broken. Maggie: Well, they should be back shortly.They went to the grocery store. Ben: All right, lights, action... Eddie: Yeah, it's nice to see you, too, geek breath.What's with the camera? Maggie: Carol's studying in London, and I thought it might be nice if she got a video from us. Eddie: Hey, I'm willing to send my salivations. Ben: If she sees you, she'll never want to come back....Okay, we're rolling. Eddie: Hey, hey, that's Mike.Uh, I want to surprise him. Mike and Luke: (screaming) Mike: Hey!Eddie!You're back! Eddie: Yeah, and I'm gonna be staying here for a few days. Eddie and Mike: Hey! Ben: (screaming) Eddie: All right, Jeff comes dribbling in, goes for three, goes for three, oh no he gets his own rebound, he fakes, he sht, he scores, woooo! We're going into overtime! Mike: Oh, no, no, no.Eddie, you win. Eddie: Well, come on, Mike, I'm hot, man! Mike: Forget it!I can't stand you hanging on the rim. Eddie: Mike, how's that crazy thing I call life? Mike: Well, it's that crazy thing I call okay. Eddie: Last time I saw you, you were dating this uptight brunette ice princess. Mike: Kate and I are practically engaged. Eddie: Well, you didn't let me finish.Qualities I would want in a woman. Mike: Right.Well, uh, tell me Eddie, how's your job? Eddie: Oh, Mike, I have just spent the best eight months of my life as a cabin boy for Oceanic Cruises. Mike: Yeah?Like a Love Boat? Eddie: No, man, better!Like a Sleaze Boat!With a poop deck full of good-looking, mature women.Mikey, widows are so grateful. Mike: Same old Eddie. Eddie: Yeah, hey, I got a great idea.What do you say we head down to Miami?Ships are already hiring towel boys for the spring season. Mike: Well, Eddie, Come on, I can't just pick up and leave like that.I've got responsibilities. Eddie: You want to talk responsibilities?Ten glistening babes in a sweat room; no towels.That's a pressure cooker, pal. Mike: Eddie, I'm teaching at the community center where my dad works. Eddie: You? Mike: Yeah. Mike: Really? Eddie: Yeah. Mike: Well, my high school years weren't a total waste, right? Luke: Hey, hey, guys.What's going on? Mike: Oh, uh, we're just reliving some old times. Eddie: Oh, Lukie-boy, you are lucky to be living with the master.Hey, did Mike ever tell you about the time that he actually joined the girl's swim team? Luke: No, his master-ness forgot to mention it. Mike: Well, I was only an honorary member; I refused to shave my thighs. Luke: What happened? Luke: That's great! Mike: Yeah, it was wacky, it was wild....It was...wrong, Luke. Eddie: You know, speaking of wacky, it's 30 degrees outside.Drop your pants. Luke: Huh? Mike: Well, Eddie and I used to play basketball outside during the winter. Eddie: Yeah, in just our underwear until one of us cried uncle. Mike: Yeah, or just cried. Luke: Come on, tell me more about these wild adventures. Mike: Nah, nah, it's really kind of boring. Eddie: Boring?Does the drill team, 50 gallons of peanut butter, and a couple of sponge cakes sound boring? Eddie: Oh, Mrs.S, what is the secret to your hearty, aromatic brew? Maggie: I boil the water. Eddie: Wow!You go through such trouble to make me feel comfortable here. Ben: Don't get too comfortable; the silverware is counted. Eddie: Thanks for the info, twerp. Ben: Leprechaun. Maggie: Okay, Ben, are you ready? Ben: Okay, we're rolling. Maggie: Hi, Carol.Ben was nice enough to tape me doing my daily chores, so honey you just pretend you're here doing the laundry with me. Ben: Cut!You're doing a good mom thing here.I'm really buying it, but maybe you could liven it up a little bit. You know, let's say you drop a pair of dad's shorts, and then as you get up, you slip on Chrissy's skate, and then, um, I don't know, you spill boiling hot coffee on, beats me, Eddie. Maggie: Ben, after I put these clothes away, we're going to do this tape, and it's going to make Carol smile, or we're not going to do it.Understand? Eddie: You listen to your beautiful mother, Benjamin. Luke: You were right, Eddie.The skating rink's a great place to meet girls. Eddie: What did I tell you, dude, babe-ca-pades. Luke: I just loved the way you handled that security guard. "Sorry, officer, I didn't mean to grab her, but she was the only thing between me and an ugly ice-burn." Mike: Eddie, don't you think you're a little old to be groping strange women? Eddie: Oh, man, when the day comes I'm too old for that, you can just sht me. Luke: Come on, Mike, you feeling okay? Mike: Yeah, I'm fine.I just didn't feel like skating into the ladies room. Eddie: Mike, how many fingers am I holding up here? Ben: Hey, guys.I need you to say something nice to Carol.Hey, it was mom's idea. Eddie: Hey, hey, what do you guys say we moon her?C'mon, guys, it's manly fun. Ben: Yeah? Well, we're one man short. And I do mean "short." Eddie: What did he mean by that? Eddie: All right.So, who's up for going to the grocery store tonight? Luke: We just went yesterday. Mike: The Grocery Store? Eddie: Oh, yeah.Mike, they've got everything you need for a balanced diet. There's blonds for protein, they've got brunettes for carbohydrates, redheads for roughage... Mike: Uh, no thanks.Nah, forget it, guys, I'm bat. Eddie: No, no!You can't miss this.Mike, you need to know a password to get in. Luke: Hey, I'll come with you Eddie.Help you squeeze the produce. Eddie: Well, hello, fellow shopper. Mike: No, no, no, no, no.Eddie, you forgot, Luke is underage. Eddie: Well, he's older than we were when we started sneaking into places.We'll just have to dip into the secret stash of fake ID's here. Mike: Eddie!Eddie! Eddie: Behold the work of the master. Luke: Whoa!You used these?Hey!Johnny Weis, James Marshall, Charlene Woo?C'mon, Mike, how come you never showed me these before? Mike: Well, because I don't do that stuff anymore. Luke: Hey, hey!This one looks just like me; blond, 5 foot 8.All I have to do is grow a moustache by tonight. Eddie: Oh, Mike, I'm telling you man.This Grocery Store is something else.We've just gotta get there kinda quick before the vice squad shuts them down. Luke has got homework, and I don't feel like going to some place tonight where I could get maced and handcuffed to some squad car. Eddie: Nice Mike, try this on the duty tonight? Eddie: All right, we could do something else.Hey, what do you say we go down to the Burger Barn and hassle some high school kids? It stars a beautiful girl named Belle, and a big, hairy beast... Ben (dressed as beast): (growling) Ben: What did you do that for? Chrissy: You scared me.Besides, it's my turn to talk to Carol, and you're messing it up. Ben: But wouldn't it be much more fun if we showed how, you know, the beast grabbed Belle.... Chrissy: Mom! Ben: Where are you going? Mike: Hey, Ben.Hey, have you seen Eddie? Ben: No.Hey, maybe he decided to go down to the playground and hog the swings. Mike: Hey, mom.Have you seen Eddie? Maggie: You just missed him.He went off with Luke about fifteen minutes ago. Mike: Where'd they go? Maggie: They said they were going to pick something up at the grocery store. Mike: And you let them go! Maggie: Oh, honey, I'm sure it'll be great.I can't wait to see what you've done. On Saturday, dad was off to yet another psychiatric convention to catch up on late-breaking techniques in therapy. Back at home, Chrissy's learning to make her bed.For a reward, mom and dad got her a pet. Chrissy named him "Grumpy," 'cause that's how he gets if you don't feed him.Speaking of food, the other day, mom made her famous tuna surprise. The love of your life, Dwight Halliburton, drops in all the time. Dwight's not the only one who's broken up; mom really misses her heart-to-heart talks with you. Meanwhile, Luke almost had a date, until her mother found out.Mike volunteered to detail your car. He also fumigated your room.Well, there's nothing left to say, but (on-screen) The End. Ben: So.What do you think, mom?Pretty leading-edge, huh? Maggie: Well, it's very clever, honey, but what happened to all that stuff you sht around the house? Ben: I'd rather watch kelp. Maggie: But it was the family. Ben: So what's your point? Maggie: I think you should put it back in. Ben: Mom, it's gotta have a little style if it's gonna be "une film de Ben Seaver." Maggie: No, it's "une letter to Carol Seaver." Here's her last letter that she sent to us. You read it, and you decide what she wants to see. Bouncer: Whoa, boy scout.You can't come in here without a password. Mike: Oh, that's okay.I'm not trying to get in; I'm just looking for someone. Bouncer: Yeah, right.And I'm McCauley Caulkin.Password. Mike: Oh, oh, well I know it.It just slipped my mind.It's, uh, it's uh, bananas.Paper?Plastic? Bouncer: bat it, slimeball. Mike: Look, uh, Mr.Funt.How's this for a password; a squadcar full of cops checking ID's? Bouncer: Right this way, sir. Mike: Okay, Luke, you're coming with me. Luke: You got me mixed up with somebody else.My name's Jeraldo. Melanie: Not the one you think. Luke: Please, don't embarrass me. Charese: You know, I have a friend who is just your type.(laughing) She'll be finished dancing there in fifteen minutes. Mike: No, thanks.I'm seeing someone. Eddie: Hey, Mike, it's okay to flirt.Kate's not gonna know. Melanie: Who's Kate? Eddie: Oh, she's the warden. Luke: The one who cracks the whip. Mike: Excuse me.Eddie, can I borrow your ear for a second? Eddie: Sure. Mike: Look, are you crazy for bringing Luke to a place like this? Eddie: Hey, this is a classy joint.Do you see one spinning tassel? Mike: Eddie, this has nothing to do with spinning tassels.It has to do with bringing a minor into a nightclub. Eddie: Mike, are you turning fogey on me?I mean, maybe we can get out of here and go find a hot game of bingo! And then tomorrow we can put on our dark socks with our plaid shorts, and drive around town at two miles an hour.With our left blinker going the whole time. Eddie: Hey, thanks, man. Eddie: Why? Charese: Come on, Eduardo, let's dance. Luke: I'm thinking of having my own talk show. Maggie: Morning, sweatheart.Want some breakfast? Mike: No thanks, mom.I'm not hungry.Mom, would you answer me one question? What on Earth possessed you and dad to ever let me hang out with a jerk like Eddie? I mean, we did all kinds of bad stuff.We TP'd houses, we snuck into an X-rated movie... Maggie: How X? Mike: Well, I don't know.During the opening credits, Eddie hyperventilated. Maggie: Mike, your dad and I let you hang out with Eddie because you liked him. Mike: Well, who wouldn't?I mean, the guy was fun and unpredictable.I mean, he was the only guy I knew who could open up a soda bottle with his zipper. Maggie: So what's changed? Mike: Me!I'm sorry, mom, but calling a restaurant and paging "Seymore Butts" doesn't amuse me anymore. Maggie: Come on, it's not fair to judge Eddie on pranks he pulled five years ago. Mike: He did it last night! Maggie: So you think you'd be better off if you and Eddie had never been friends? Mike: Maybe. Maggie: Mike, you've grown a lot over the past few years.Maybe Eddie's growth is just a little.... Mike: Stunted? Maggie: Come on, you've been friends since you've been kids.Eddie's part of who you are today. Mike: Mom, come on, I haven't given someone a wedgie in months.I...I just wish he grow up. Maggie: What?Be more like you?Mike, did ever puzzle you Eddie stopping.Eddie might not like you? Mike: That's just take him or leave him, just the way he is? Maggie: Yeah.I'm sure that deep inside Eddie wants to grow up...someday. Mike: Oh, right. Here's the man who once told a woman "it's okay, I'm a blind brassiere designer." Eddie: Just came to get my stuff.Don't worry, I'll throw myself down the stairs. Mike: Hey, Eddie, last night I said a lot of stupid things. Eddie: Yeah, you got that right. Mike: And then again you did a lot of stupid things. Eddie: Oh, great apology, Mike.This is a real "Family Ties" kind of moment here. Mike: Hey, come on, Eddie.What happened to us?Huh?We were so tight.I mean, we used to laugh at each other's jokes before we even said 'em. Eddie: What happened was, you started thinking you were better than me. Mike: Not better; different. Eddie: Better. Mike: Different.I mean, I am in a steady loving relationship, and you prey on innocent widows. I mean, and I have a responsible job, and you hock towels at a floating bathhouse. And I'm trying to help raise a 16-year-old boy, so he doesn't turn out to be someone.... Eddie: Like me? Mike: (sighing) I have been acting like I'm better than you. Eddie: The prosecution rests. Mike: Eddie, maybe I have been acting like an old fogey.But listen, I don't have all the answers. I mean, heck, sometimes I'm standing in front of my class, and all I wanna do is help 'em make spitballs, because you and I made 'em better than they ever could. Eddie: Kids today; no attention to quality.Mike, do you think I want to be a towel boy forever? I look at you, and I think, compared to me, you really got it together.What if I never make anything of my life, huh? Mike: Aw, come on Eddie.Hey, you got loads of time.You're smart, and you're likeable.I mean, it'll happen for you. Eddie: Am I imagining, or we got a bonding thing going here? Mike: Hey, I've never seen you this, I don't know, human.I like it. Eddie: Yeah.This is great, huh? Mike: Yeah, isn't it? Eddie: Yeah.If you buy this, the widows are gonna eat it up. Maggie: Jason, I'm so glad you got back in time to see the video Ben made for Carol. Chrissy: I'm sitting next to daddy. Jason: Whoa! Maggie: No, just kidding.He's kidding.Go ahead, honey.Roll it. Ben: Dear Carol, I heard you were feeling a little homesick.Well cheer up.It happens to the best of us when we're away from the people we care about. We hope this video will bring you a smile, and remind you of home. Maggie: Hi, Carol.Ben was nice enough to tape me doing my daily chores, so honey you just pretend you're here doing the laundry with me. Chrissy: It's my birthday, yes indeed.How any candles do I need?One, two, three years old.Four, five, six years old. That's it, what else do you want me to do? Ben: Say goodbye. Chrissy: Goodbye, Carol.Oh, P.S., come home quick.Ben's driving me crazy. Ben: Now, uh, Carol, uh, in answer to your letter; I miss you, too.I know we've had our differences, but I care about you, and I want you to come home soon. Maggie: That was terrific, honey. Jason: We're proud of you, Ben. Ben: Well, it's not finished yet.I want to get one more sht of the whole family waving to Carol. Maggie: Well, that's great.Where's Mike? Mike (outside): Come on, come on! Chrissy: What's that? Mike: Come on, let's go, let's go! Eddie: sh**t it, come on, chicken, you don't want that! Jason: Guys, it's 40 degrees out here.What are you doing? Mike: Freezing this little weasel's tail off! Eddie: Oh, yeah?Well, we'll see who the weasel is! Mike: Missed! Jason: Maggie, they're playing in their underwear. Maggie: I know; isn't it wonderful? Ben: Everybody, come on, wave to Carol.	{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x19 - Don't Go Changin'"}	foreverdreaming
Mike: Now, Luke, I'm telling you, the graphics on "chainsaw duel" are amazing.Okay, now, to attck you press that button. Luke: Oh, I just crosscut your leg off! Luke and Mike: Ohh!Eww! Luke: These postcards are all the same.It's always a picture of the world's biggest something.A trout the size of an RV, a four-storey corndog... Jason: You ever write him back? Luke: And send it where? Jason: Well.That is the biggest radish I have ever seen.I think you ought to take a look at this, Luke. Luke and Mike: Ohh!Eww! Jason: Looks like your dad is coming here to see you. Jason: Is George here yet? Mike: Dad, how do we know that he's not gonna kidnap Luke, and take him to some foreign country, and have plastic surgery done so we don't recognize him? Luke: Isn't he here yet? Jason: See? Luke: I want to get this over with. Jason: I'm sure he's gonna be here any minute now.He's got that big truck to deal with. Mike: Yeah, he can't exactly park his 18-wheeler in front of our house. Jason: Yeah. Mike: Dad, dad.He, he's gonna try to parallel park that big rig. Jason: He's not gonna make it.Trust me.He's not gonna make it.He made it. George: Hello, everybody.I'm George. Jason: Hi, George. George: Hey, Luke. Luke: I can't believe you drove your truck here. George: Uh, well, the valet at the Ritz Carlton wouldn't take it.(laughing) Uh, Luke, why don't you introduce me to your foster family. George: Doctor! Jason: Psychiatrist. Maggie: Oh, George, it's very nice to meet you. George: Uh, excuse me, but you have the most gorgeous movie-star skin I have ever seen. Maggie: Oh, George, that's a load of hooie, but Jason, take notes. Jason: That is our daughter, Chrissy. Chrissy: Pleased to meet you. George: Ma'am. Chrissy: His neck isn't red. Jason: That's, uh, our son Mike.You know Mike. Mike: Hey, uh, yeah, good to see you, George.It's a shame you can't stay long. George: Well, actually, I do have a couple hours to kll before I deliver these tomatoes to Piscataway.I thought maybe we could go grab some breakfast. Luke: I already ate.With my family. George: I brought you something, uh, a little memento of your mother.God rest her soul. Mike: Wow, George, you, uh, came all this way just to deliver something to Luke you could'a dropped in the mail? George: Well, some things are too important to stick in the mail, like these snapshots of me and Luke and his mom. Jason: Mike, do you want to help me, uh, straighten the picture over here on this wall? Mike: No. Jason: That wasn't a question. George: Uh, it's of your first birthday, uh, your mom and I took you to see the world's biggest radial tire. Luke: Thanks, I'll look at them later. Ben: Dad, is mom making spaghetti for about 8,000 people?Yo, George Brower, loved that postcard from Bikini Beach.Man, those were the biggest.... Jason: Ben! George: You're looking good, big buddy. Ben: I hope the babes think so.I've got the most incredible party tonight. Jason: Do you want to come over here and help me and Mike straighten out the pictures? Ben: No. Mike: It wasn't a question. George: Luke, uh, I'm not here just because of the snapshots. After Jersey, I'm cutting through the Blue Ridge Mountains where the fireflies dance like a thousand sh*ting stars. What do you say, you keep your old man company? Luke: Look, I thought I told you, I don't want to go live with you. George: I'm not trying to take you away from these fine people.I just thought you might like a couple of weeks to get to know your dad better. Luke: What, and work our way up to being strangers? George: I won't push it.(sighing) Well, I appreciate your hospitality.It's, uh, time for me to haul my tomatoes out of here. I'll just, uh, leave you a crate of Mother Nature's finest juicy reds, and I'll be on my way. Mike: Uh, thanks anyway, George, but we couldn't possibly accept. Jason: Oh, Mike, free tomatoes. Mike: Okay, thanks, George. George: Uh, well, the crates on....it's on the porch. Mike: (sighing) Well, that was short and sweet. George: (screaming) George: (screaming) Take it easy, guys.There's 47 muscles in the back, and every single one of mine is doing the watusi. Mike: It's uh, its kind of interesting, don't you think, George, that your back went out just as you were getting ready to leave? Hey!Look out!A tarantula! George: Trap-door or funnel-web species?Uh, nope, just an old hairball. Luke: What are you doing? George: I was, uh, just testing. Ben: All right, we got a perfect three-course meal.Icy Mug root beer, pork rinds, and Uncle Salty cheese logs. Mike: I betcha that looks good, doesn't it, George.I bet you can't wait to just dig in, huh? George: Can't wait!Uh, if you could, uh, just scoot that right over here. Jason: George, here's a friend of mine, Dr.Kramer. Kramer: Hello, George. Mike: Ten bucks says it's nothing serious. George: (yelling) Kramer: Looks like your back is in bad shape. George: A darn sight prettier than those knobby knees of yours. Kramer: Get in my office this afternoon.I need to take some X-rays. George: Aw, it's just a back spasm.It'll clear itself right...(groaning)...sweet jelly bean on a rotgut potato. Kramer: This will take the edge off his pain Jason: This'll take the rotgut out of his potato. George: I don't have time for X-rays.I've got a truckload of tomatoes that's got to be in Jersey by tonight. Mike: Well, I wish we could help out, George, but we don't know anyone who could drive a truck that size. Ben: Are you sure you can handle this thing? Jason: Hey, it's a lot easier than driving that clinic bus full of screaming children.Ha!Tomatoes don't try to pants you at the intersection. Ben: Can't we go any faster?Dad, what if I'm not back in time for the party. Jason: Oh, come on, it's a three-hour trip each way, Ben.You're gonna make it in plenty of time.I'm going at a decent speed. Ben: Then how come there's a pregnant cow passing us on the right? Jason: Come on, Ben, relax.The reason I drafted you for this, is I thought it would be a nice outing for you and me. Ben: Oh, the matching hats were a nice touch. Jason: All right.Why don't we, uh, make up some names, and we'll talk CB talk, all right? Ben: Maybe later; I don't want to peak too soon. Jason: What do you want your handle to be? Ben: Son of big hair. Luke: You haven't touched your lunch. George: Well, your buddy Mike keeps putting it just out of reach.Thank you.Luke? Luke: What? George: How's high school? Luke: Why do you want to know? George: I never saw one from the inside. Luke: Yeah.Well, a lot of us have had tough breaks. George: Playing balls? Luke: I think I've thing to do. George: Aw, come on, Luke, come...Please, God, tell me how to get through to my son. Mike: You, uh, you talking to somebody, George? George: Oh!(laughing) No, no.Just, uh, thinking with my mouth. You know they say the jaw muscles is the strongest in the whole body, but, uh, after 25 years on the road, I say it's the gluteus maximus. That's Latin for "big butt." Mike: Yeah, yeah, I know.I teach French.Well, hey, come on, George.We gotta get going and, uh, get those X-rays. George: Ow!Ow!No need.I'm feeling much better. Mike: Yeah, right, right. You know, George, you really should have said that you had something that wouldn't show up on an X-ray, like, uh, whiplash, or, uh, hoof and mouth disease. George: That bad first impression brned you deep, didn't it? Mike: Not half as deeply as it brned Luke. George: So I see.Mike, I spent 25 thousand miles thinking about it.The thing is, Luke is my blood. I never got to know my dad until it was too late.I don't want that to happen to Luke. Maggie: Yes, thank you for calling. Mike: I can't believe this George.Pretending he's hurt to get on Luke's good side. Maggie: He's not pretending, Mike. Mike: What? Maggie: That was Dr.Kramer.He's spoken to George's doctor. George's back has deteriorated to the point, where if he doesn't stop driving his truck, he's going to be paralyzed. George: The doctors call it cervical deterioration.I call it a pain in the neck. Mike: Well, what are you gonna do when you stop driving? Mike: George, the doctors say if you don't, you're going to be paralyzed. George: Aw, they don't know nothin'.They told my friend Billy Bob he had 3-1/2 months to live.He lived 4-1/2 months. Mike: George, what's so hard about changing jobs? George: With an eighth grade education?Maybe I could be a supreme court justice.I only know three things; that's trucks, trucks, and trucks. Mike: Well, I'm sure there's other jobs you could get, that, uh, you know, you could still be around trucks. George: Like what? Mike: Well, I don't know.You could, uh, you could lease big rigs.Or you could run a truck stop. Or, uh, you could sell those little silhouettes of girls they stick on mudflaps. George: Those aren't sold; they're handed down from generation to generation. Mike: So, when are you gonna tell Luke? George: Luke is to know nothing about this.I don't want his pity.I just want a chance to get to know him better. Ben: A three hour trip.That's what they told Gilligan. Jason: Okay, so we got a little lost. Ben: A little lost!Dad, we were halfway to Florida!If we hadn't stopped at that gas station, we'd be in Cuba by now. Jason: Well, we're going the right way, now.The depot's a half a mile down the road. Ben: Dad, it's 7:30! If they unload the truck in two minutes, and if we drive 195 miles per hour back home, I might actually be able to catch the last five minutes of that party. Jason: Could be worse. Ben: True.You could still be singing those Willy Nelson songs. Jason: Ah, here's the depot right up here.We're going to get them to unload our tomatoes just as quickly as they can. Jason: Hey, excuse me.We have, uh, tomatoes, what do we do with them? Depot worker: Pull 'er into dock 19, Johnny. Jason: (sighing) All right, great.Listen, these guys are gonna unload us right away? Depot worker: You must be new to this route.Drivers unload their own trucks. Luke: (singing) You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull.... Mike and Luke: (singing)...pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and you don't mess around with Jim. Mike: I love that song. Luke: Yeah, mom used to sing it to me when I was a baby. Mike: Yeah? Luke: Check out this picture.Don't I look a lot like her? Mike: Oh, yeah, gosh.Hey, George looks so young here.You got his smile, you know it? Luke: Nah, I don't see it. Mike: Hey, Luke, uh, I want to talk to you about something.Well, I really don't, uh... Luke: Mike, if you're trying to talk about the facts of life, you're a little late. Mike: If your dad keeps driving a truck, he's going to be paralyzed. Luke: What? Mike: Yeah.He won't listen to the doctors, and he sure won't listen to me.And I thought you'd want to know. Ben: (laughing)I think we ended up with half the tomatoes on us. Jason: (laughing) Ben: Oh, yeah?You should have seen your face when you fell into the tomato bin. Jason: Well, I was walking along, and the next minute I'm swimming in the red sea.I'm just glad George wasn't hauling fertilizer. Ben: Well, the foreman said for a couple of city boys, we did all right. Jason: Ben, there's no way you're going to make your party tonight, and, uh, it's all my fault, and I am truly sorry. Jason: 10-4.(laughing) Well, let's hammer down, and head for home! Ben: (pulling horn cord) Yee-hah! George: (groaning) I didn't mean to wake you up. Luke: What are you doing? George: Just trying to get this old body to the bathroom and pay the toll. Luke: Oh, you must really be in pain. George: Nah, it's nothing.Whoa!Slap me silly and shave me naked! Luke: Here.Let me help you up. George: Ok, I'm coming.I'll be right there. Luke: What's so funny? George: Well, when you were a little boy, I used to take you to the bathroom in the middle of the night so that you wouldn't wet the bed, and now it seems like you're doing the same thing for me. Luke: Yeah, well, I don't remember anything back then. George: I do.The only way you'd go back to sleep is if you heard your favorite song. (singing) You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind.... Luke: Yeah!Mom used to sing that to me. George: Luke!Your mom was a lovely woman, but she couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.Don't you remember? You were terrified of all those monsters in the closet.(singing) You don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and you don't mess around with.... Luke: Luke.It was you. George: You loved it.Made you think you were bigger and stronger than any of those monsters. Luke: You really did that? George: Yeah.Sure. Luke: Look, Mike told me what's going on with your back. George: Aw, that boy's tongue is loose at both ends. Luke: You know, George, you're going to have to make a decision here. George: I made one.I'm not gonna quit trucking.I don't wanna talk about.Luke: So you're just gonna pretend like it doesn't exist?You know, that's typical. Luke: So you're just gonna pretend like it doesn't exist?You know, that's typical. Its just like everything that's ever went on in the past thirteen years never happened.I want to talk about it, George. I mean, you come here after all this time, and you say what's past is past.Let's jump into a truck and watch the fireflies. George: What Is was trying.... Luke: Look!You send me postcard after postcard, about the world's biggest prairie chicken. Well, what about the postcard that says "I'm sorry I ruined your life?" George: Luke... George: What was wrong with you? Luke: Yeah.What was it, George?Why can't you just tell me? George: I can't talk to you when you're like this. Luke: Then you haven't changed.I don't think you ever will. George: Luke!Luke!I'm not very good at this kind of talk.But if it's what it takes, I'll keep trying all night. But first, you've got to get me to the bathroom! Jason: Ah, you should have seen us, Maggie.There we were, the wind in our faces, the open road before us... Jason and Ben: ...and tomatoes in our shorts. Maggie: Oh, hi George. George: G'morning.Is that you two?Thanks for running those tomatoes to Jersey for me. Jason: Ah, piece of cake, George. George: Oh, glad to hear it.Sometimes they try to pull a fast one on first timers, make 'em unload their own truck. Mike: You're sure looking a lot better today, George. George: Uh, yep, uh, about time to ht the road. Mike: You, uh, you're leaving?Now that's great....that you're feeling better. George: My back's loose enough for me to see over the wheel.I should make it to Tucson just fine. Mike: So you're sure that driving that big rig is the best thing for you? George: Oh, absolutely.As soon as I get there, I'm gonna sell it, and by myself a truck stop from an old buddy. Mike: You're quitting trucking? George: Well, Luke's a very persuasive young man. Mike: Wow, Luke.Well, how'd you do it?What'd you say? Luke: I said that I'm going with him. Mike: What? Luke: It's only for a couple of months, Mike.To help him set up. Mike: Are you out of your cotton-picking mind?No offense. Jason: Mike, a word. Mike: Dad, I'm sorry, but I can't let him do this. Jason: Well, you have to.Luke has to get to know his father. Mike: Dad, he, he can't just pick up and leave like this.What about his life?What about us? Jason: Mike, this is not your decision. Luke: Mike, you taught me what it means to be there when somebody needs you the most.And I want to do the same for George.I mean, my dad. Luke: Come on, you guys, don't look like that.It's only for a couple of months.I'll be coming back. Mike: (sighing) Well, uh, you'd better come back. Luke: Try and stop me. Maggie: Bye, Luke. Jason: See you, Luke. Chrissy: Goodbye, Luke.	{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x20 - The Truck Stops Here"}	foreverdreaming
Jason: Good morning. Maggie: Morning, Jason.I just got my first fan letter from my column. Jason: Good.That's wonderful.What's it say? Maggie: Dear Miss Malone, I've never really given much thought to kitty litter, but your recent article opened my eyes. Now I swear by "Tabby Fresh." Perhaps one day I'll get a ...... cat. Jason: Nice. Ben: Morning. Maggie: Morning. Ben: Um, dad, I don't want you to be mad, but I can't find my history book. Jason: Why would I be mad?I'm not the one who has to go to class without a book, Ben.I'm not the one who has to take a test unprepared. Ben: No, but you're the one who has to cough up 25 bucks to replace it. Ben: You're right, dad, it's time for a tough love lesson.I'm gonna drop out of fifth period.I can always sell "Mary Kay." I've got good skin. Maggie: Enough, Ben.Jason, give him twenty-five dollars. Jason: (groaning) I've only got two twenties here. Ben: You're a prince. Mike: Hello!Ah, scrambled, please. Jason: Hey, Mike, did it ever occur to you that your mother is not just some domestic drudge? Mike: No.Uh, dad, listen, I'm having a little problem with one of my college classes. Jason: Attending: Mike: No, no, dad.I just can't seem to find my sociology book. Jason: And you're probably gonna have to sell "Mary Kay" if I don't come up with 25 bucks to replace it. Mike: No, it was "Thigh-masters." Ah, but dad, actually it was thirty-five dollars. Maggie: Mike, Ben just took your father's last forty dollars for his lost history book. Mike: (laughing) That little leach! Maggie: Well, I hope you can eat Mike's eggs, too. Jason: Sorry. Maggie: (screaming) Jason: Okay, I'll try. Maggie: Debbie Teighart won the Pulitzer Prize for journalism? Jason: Debbie who? Maggie: My old college roommate. Jason: Somebody you know won the Pulitzer?That's great. Maggie: Oh, yeah.Just the kind of good news you want to start your day. Jason: Friend of yours wins the Pulitzer, and you puree the paper? Maggie: Jason, don't you remember Debbie Teighart?The one who made my life a living hell for four years? Jason: Doesn't ring a bell. Maggie: Debbie "if he's breathing, I'll jump him" Teighart? Jason: Oh, ho, ho, yeah!Yeah!Short, short brunette, shag haircut? Maggie: I knew it! Jason: I always said "no." Chrissy: Hi! Maggie: ....in a canopy bed. Chrissy: Don't get mad, but I lost my spelling book. Jason: Would this by any chance cost, ooooh, say, thirty-five dollars to replace? Chrissy: Oh-oh! Jason: Give it up, Mike! Mike: I had to try! Maggie: Oh, Jason, life is funny.Here Debbie Teighart is picking up a Pulitzer, and I'm picking up....soggy Cheeri-O's. Jason: Oh, you're also overreacting, Maggie.You are not just a person who does menial chores all day.Missed a spot! (laughing) You're a great housewife, Maggie, but you're also a damn fine journalist. Maggie: Oh, sure.Here Debbie's writing about acid rain, and I'm writing about...well, I'll just say it....kitty doo-doo. Jason: Yeah, but you wrote the hell out of that. She was probably sleeping with the judges!You think I'm being petty, don't you? Jason: No, no, no, no, no. Maggie: You're right, I am.You know, maybe Debbie's turned herself into a real journalist. You know, I'm a big enough person.I'm going to call and congratulate her. Jason: That's better. Maggie: (on phone) Yes, Debbie Teighart in features, please.Yes, this is an old friend of hers, Maggie Malone, from the "Long Island Sentinal." Yes, seriously.She can return my call in August!Well, uh, yes, yes!I would like to leave a message(blender noises). Ben: Okay, let's go over this again.You're in the park, you see the babe.What do you say? Ben: My "studdly" brother, Ben. Chrissy: And then I get the ice cream? Mike: Tell you what; I'll get you some ice cream, and you don't have to do anything. Chrissy: Great!I'll go get my coat.You find your own babes! Ben: Hey!What are you doing? Ben: So?I got there first. Mike: Listen, Junior.I perfected that scam while you were still saying "Pisketti." Chrissy: Can I get Rocky Road? Mike: Absolutely!And remember, Chrissy; who do we ask for when we need a babysitter this Saturday night? Chrissy: My studdly brother, Ben. Ben: What's all that stuff? Maggie: Ah, some of my old college papers. Ben: An award?Mom, why isn't this on the wall? Maggie: Oh, it's just a little award.But, I did bat out students from fifty schools, including Harvard and Yale. Ben: Wow!1969!This thing's an antique!Hey, what's that? Maggie: A list of goals I made when I was twenty (laughing). Ben: Become the first woman wr correspondent, learn Swahili, have a novel published by age thirty-five. I can't believe you actually did all these things.Way to go, mom! Ben: Oh, come on.I mean, you did a lot of things here.I mean, how many people have actually, um, umm, ....learned to drive a stick-shift? Jason: Either I'm hugging a pillow, or we've got to join a gym.Oh, Maggie, not that old list again! Maggie: Can you believe I never toured the Soviet Union? Maggie: Fallen nations don't count.It was a goal. Jason: Boy, this Debbie Teighart thing has really gotten to you, hasn't it? Maggie: Oh, not at all.I could care less that Debbie "vacuum lips" Teighart lucked into a stinking Pulitzer. Jason: Well, I'm glad to see it's out of your system. Maggie: Jason, this may have started out with Debbie, but now it's about me, my failed goals.I bet you accomplished everything on your list. Jason: Well....Maggie....Come on, I've had my share of pain and disappointment. Maggie: What?You never got to meet Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass? Jason: I met the brass. Maggie: Thank you.That makes me feel so much better. Jason: Oh!You've had a lot of success, Maggie.You worked at Newsweek, and Channel 19. Maggie: That doesn't count.I quit both of them. Jason: Yes, but you made a decision to do that, because you wanted to spend more time with your family, and to write that book of yours.... which I know you're going to get around to some day. Maggie: Jason, Don't you see this letter made by a woman was green.What's afraid the test herself? Now, I know exactly when I got off track it was 1972.Do you remember that year? Jason: Not specifically. Maggie: I was covering the election in South Dakota, and I had the chance to follow George McGovern into a helicopter and get an exclusive interview. Jason: I don't remember that interview. Maggie: Because I didn't get the interview.I was too scared to get into the chopper.I've been living in the comfort zone ever since. Jason: Oh, come on, Maggie.You've done all kinds of uncomfortable things. Maggie: Such as? Jason: Such as; you got tear-gassed when you protested against Apartheid, you gave birth, you saw Mike in "Streetcar Named Desire." Maggie: Face it, Jason, I'm a quitter. Jason: You're not, Maggie.You're still a young woman.You got all kinds of time to do whatever you want. Maggie: Not if I put it off for one more day.Jason, I'm gonna master the things on this list! Jason: Okay Maggie: Starting with number six! Jason: Number six. Maggie: Rappel down a mountain! Jason: Oh, no. Maggie: But I need to challenge myself. Jason: All right, yeah.Well then, try number eighteen; learn to play the sitar.All the challenge of rock climbing, and a much higher survival rate. Maggie: Jason, I don't want to spend the rest of my life hiding from the things that frighten me. Jason: Okay, fine, fine.But rappelling down a mountain, Maggie?Come on, you can't be serious. Jason: Okay, you're serious, but do I have to go with you? Kent: Ah, now see, this double figure-eight, Mag, this is, this is great.I mean, you can an elephant with that.Look! Jason: (yelling) Oh!Hold on. Kent: You've been practicing, haven't you. Maggie: Oh, a little bit. Jason: A little?Every night this week, she's tied something up.Wipe that smirk off your face. Mike: Oh, whoa, uh, I guess today's the big day, huh? Maggie: Yeah, you bet!Today we conquer a sheer rock face, and see what we're made of. Jason: As long as what we're made up doesn't end up spread all over the sheer rock face. Ben: So, um, you guys are gonna be gone all day, and won't be back'til tomorrow, right? Jason: Well, it could last through to Monday, if 'yer maw' decides to bag herself a 'bar.' Kent: Okay, let's get the gear loaded. Maggie: Okay, goodbye boys.Take good care of each other. Ben: Okay, I'll see you guys later.Be careful.Have fun, be safe. Maggie: We will. Jason: Make sure Chrissy goes to college. Mike: Oh, dad. Ben: All right, we'll miss ya! Maggie: Oh!Come on, Jason, keep up.Oh, it's so exhilarating in this fresh, crisp air. Jason: I have a rock in my shoe. Maggie: Oh, what a perfect day to conquer your fears.Take a deep breath and step off the edge of the world. Kent: (laughing) Well, here we are. Jason: Well, that doesn't look as bad as I thought.Maggie?Maggie! Jason: Maggie, you can't keep hugging this mountain all night long. Maggie: Watch me.Jason, how could you let me talk you into this? Jason: I-I'm just here for moral support. Maggie: Stop that!I want physical support!I want an elevator, a ski lift!I'll even get in a helicopter! Jason: She's panicking. Kent: Well, if worse comes to worst, I can always pry her off the rock with a crampon. Jason: Is there anything you could say to assuage her fears? Kent: Okay.What does "assuage" mean? Jason: You know what "litigation" means? Maggie: Jason, don't blame Kent.I thought I could do this. Kent: Would you like for me to give her my customary pep talk? Jason: That would be nice. Kent: Okay.What goes up must come down. Maggie: Remember that Jason.I want it on my tombstone. Maggie: Jason, how does that help me win a Pulitzer? Jason: Good point.You want to leave? Maggie: Jason, you can't let me quit! Jason: I thought you wanted to quit. Maggie: Well, of course I do!Which is exactly why I can't. Kent: That a-girl. Maggie: Touch me and you die! Kent: Okay, this'll be just like we practiced. Maggie: Okay. Kent: You want to keep your knees bent.You want to stay focused.Okay? Maggie: Uh-huh. Kent: And most of all, relax. Jason: Just like having a baby. Maggie: Can I have an epidural? Kent: Ready? Maggie: As ready as I'll ever be. Ken: Okay.I'm gonna lower you down the mountain slowly.Nice & easy. Maggie: Okay.Honey, I love you. Jason: I love you, too. Maggie: Okay. Jason: You're gonna be fine. Maggie: All right. Jason: You're fine. Maggie: All right Jason and Maggie: You practiced...oh, yeah...looking good...it's working...that's it...it's working....yes... Maggie: (laughing)...I'm not gonna die! Jason: No! Maggie: (laughing)...This could actually be fun! Jason: Yeah. Maggie: Sure! Ken: Okay.One...two...three! Jason: Whoa! Maggie: (laughing) Jason: Whoa.Supposed to smack into the rock like that? Jason: Honey, are you all right? Maggie: I'm fine.How are you?No.I, I, I think I'm stuck. Jason: She's stuck.She's stuck.You gotta do something. Ken: Well, her guideline's just tangled in that rock down there.One of us is gonna have to go down there and free it up. Jason: Good plan. Ken: And the more experienced one is gonna have to stay here and anchor the rope. Luke: They're jumping off a mountain? Mike: Their midlife crisis is my window of opportunity.You see, I rented the house to a film crew today.For five hundred bucks. And all I had to do was show 'em we had f*re insurance. Luke: Pretty smooth. Mike: Yeah, well, uh, how's things in Arizona?Did your dad get that truck stop caf茅? Luke: Yeah, um, uh, I'm calling from our state-of-the-art kitchen.They got, uh, mobile phones and everything. Mike: Yeah?Well, how's your dad? Luke: Oh, he's fine.He just rented a crane to put the world's biggest coffee pot on the roof. Mike: Well, then that should pull in the tourists. Luke: Yeah.And if that doesn't, the world's biggest skylight will.I better get out of here before this turns into an outdoor caf茅.I'll call you next week. Mike: Okay.We miss ya.Bye. Ben: Hey! Mike: Hey!Sorry, party dog, but you've been fixed. Ben: No way!Kenny's bringing a DJ and a bunch of party girls wearing too much make-up.So this place is mine. Ben: Really?What for? Mike: Well, it's kind of like a suburbia day-trip for 'em, Ben. I mean, some of these kids have never even seen a lawn sprinkler, or so much as a refrigerator magnet. Ben: Wait.You don't care a rat's hat about underprivileged kids. Mike: Oh, yeah?Well, here!Why don't you tell that to little Alfonso, Manuel and Harvey. Ben: I wish you'd have told me this last week, before I invited the whole school.Hey!That's Menudo! I was with you when you bought that wallet.Get ready for some babes in heavy eyeliner. Maggie: (yelling, screaming) Jason: We've got you untangled.You can go down now. Maggie: Wanna bet! Maggie and Jason: (yelling) Jason: Maggie, this ought to make up for a lot of anniversaries. Maggie: Honey, I've been thinking. Jason: Well, isn't that what got us into this predicament in the first place?Why are there red stains all over those rocks? Maggie: Oh, Jason!Stop that!I'm counting on you to be the rational one. Jason: Uh-huh.Hard to be rational when you're dangling like a wind chime, Maggie. Maggie: (yelling) Jason, check my thinking here. Jason: Uh-huh. Maggie: Rappelling is just symbolic.It doesn't make me a better person in and of itself. Jason: True. Jason: No argument here. Maggie: So, honey, please tell me it's okay to forget this and go home. Jason: Is that what you want me to say, Maggie? Maggie: Work with me here, Jason. Jason: It's okay to quit and go home! Maggie: Did you have to say quit?Couldn't you say "hang in there" or "come to your senses?" Jason: All right, Maggie.There are two ways out of this situation.Up or down. Maggie: That's it? Jason: Well, we could spend our golden years here, but I doubt the kids would visit. Maggie: Oh, Jason, I don't think that's very funny. Jason: Maggie, want straight talk, sweetheart?Well, here it is.Okay. You can either have Kent pull you back up into that comfort zone and be the person you've always been, which is fine.Or you can be tough, Maggie. You can show this mountain who's boss.You can have an adventure you'll remember 'til your dying day...which isn't for many years. Maggie: Okay.Okay, Kent.All right.Are you ready? Kent: (yelling) Go for it! Maggie: One...two....three!(yelling) Pulitzer this, Debbie Teighart! Mike: Give it up, Ben.I'm older, more experienced than you are. Ben: You're rusty and out of practice. Mike: Well, maybe you should ask yourself this: where's your party? Ben: Where's your film crew? Mike: They'll be here.But your party is history.I spread the word that you were having chaperones. Ben: You're so simple.I knew that, and told everybody the chaperones were 19-year-old au-pairs. What you don't know is that I called your film crew and rescheduled for Easter. Mike: Poor, deceived wretch.They know only to take instructions with a codeword. Ben: Delta Dawn? Mike: You knew? Ben: There are other extensions in this house.Hasta la vista, film crew. Mike: Well, before you gloat, maybe you should check out the front door.I think there's something out there. Ben: Police lines?Do not cross? Mike: Read the sign. Ben: Party is cancelled due to the bubonic plague! Mike: Hasta la vista, party. Ben: What'd you go and do that for?C'mon, you've been scamming freely in this house for years!When's it gonna be my turn? Mike: Hey, you had your turn!When I had my tonsils out. Ben: I was three! Mike: You know, Ben, I've been thinking.Was your night as miserable as mine? Ben: Are you kidding?I watched "Star Search." Mike: Well, let's face it.I mean, I didn't get my five hundred dollars.You didn't get to have your party. Ben: So what are you saying? Mike: Well, I'm saying that if I haven't used a scam for one calendar year, it's all yours. Ben: Does that include taking dad's car to the airport, and using it as a gypsy cab? Chrissy: Look who's here! Ben: Mom, dad, you're alive! Mike: Hey, guys! Maggie: Yep!And guess what?I did it! Mike: All right!Congratulations!I can't believe it!My parents; rappelling. Maggie: (laughing) Actually, a helicopter came for your father. Jason: Hey, rapelling wasn't on my list. Maggie: Well, I feel like a whole new Maggie.There's nothing I can do now. Jason: Just like you Maggie before they invented bungee jumping. Maggie: Oh, honey, bungee jumping!What a great idea!I'm gonna go make an appointment for us this week. Jason: No!No!No!Mag, no. Maggie: Do you remember last night at the lodge? Jason: Yes, I do.Your mother and I are going....bungee jumping. Jason: You guys wanna help me unpack the car? Chrissy: Daddy, can I jump over Benji, too? Maggie: (sighing) (writing) The rope was half an inch in diameter, light enough for me to carry on my belt without noticing. But there I hung; with only that rope between me and death.I saw my husband, my family, my career. And I realized that I'm one of those lucky women who really does have it all.	{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x21 - Maggie's Brilliant Career"}	foreverdreaming
Ben: Looking sharp dad. Ben: F.Y.I.dad, its popcorn-shrimp night at the sizzler. Jason: Well thanks but unfortunately three months ago we planned tonight for a special night of theater, dinner, dancing, and the works. Ben: The works?Ah, you mean sex. Jason: Ben I know your 15 but not everything you hear is a euphemism for sex. Ben: Well I guess not.I mean you sure don't seem very excited about taking mom out. Jason: Well it's just that I have a speech to prepare for Monday, I've got the clinic budgets due next week, and I'd cancel tonight but it would break your mother's heart.Oh, you look fabulous. Maggie: Well I have been looking forward to this for months. Jason: I'll pull the car around.I'm thrilled! Maggie: Oh, me too!Ah...I'd do anything to get out of this. Ben: Huh? Maggie: Oh, I've got a column due next week, and I'm in the middle of researching another.I need a night out like I need a paper cut. Ben: Gee mom, you know, dad sure would be disappointed if you didn't go. Maggie: Oh, I know, but... Carol: Mom is it ok if I borrowed your perfume? Maggie: Oh, of course honey!Anything you want, I'm just so glad to have you home. Carol: Mom, take it easy your giving me hug burns. Ben: Man, dad can't wait to get you alone mom. Maggie: I'll get my coat.The sooner I get this started the sooner I get it over with. Carol: Marriage is never going to do that to me.Oh Kate, thanks for agreeing to have diner with Dwight and me. I mean I really want Mike and Dwight to be friends but I know you had to talk Mike into coming tonight. Kate: Don't be silly, Mike is really looking forward to this.He is so excited. Mike: I've got a tape worm. Carol: Poor baby!Where does it hurt? Mike: Ah, well, well right there. Carol: You're going, and if you hurt Dwight's feelings you'll wish you had a tape worm. Mike: Oh my!A trip to London really mellowed her out. Kate: A tape worm? Mike: Well I was going to go with rickets, but I figured she wouldn't buy it two times in a row. Chrissy: Why didn't you tell mommy that daddy didn't really want to go? Ben: Well, because they think I'm going over to Stinky's. Chrissy: So? Ben: Well, I'm actually going cruising with Chuck Stake.Tonight he's going to let me ride inside the car. Chrissy: You told a lie! Ben: Quiet or I'll melt your Disney tapes.(Talking on the phone) Hello.It's the woman who has to put up with you tonight. A broken leg?As in you can't come baby-sit?Well, if no bones are poking out, I don't see why not?But you have to!It's a matter of life and death!Ah! Chrissy: Shh...I'm watching TV. Ben: Yo, Chuck Stake!You want to come in? Chrissy: We are watching the Little Mermaid.You looked like a loser. Dwight: Welcome to the land that time forgot. Mike: It's an attic. Carol: Not its not!It's a Mid-evil banquette hall. Mike: Ah, my mistake. Kate: Carol everything looks beautiful. Dwight: I'll go fetch our sumptuous repasts, so we can slay our appetites and slake our thirsts. Carol: That means you get to eat and drink.Do you need some help my dearest darling? Dwight: Oh, no thank you my luscious lamb-chop. Carol: Are you sure my stalwart stevedore? Dwight: Quite, my whimsical wench. Mike: Get the food! Kate: Carol, your dress is beautiful. Carol: Thank you, Dwight made it.Yes, he sews. Mike: Dwight, how did you open that door? Dwight: Oh, it's simple.I rigged it to electric pressure mats on both sides, so the door opens and closes on its own. Mike: Where did you get that idea, the lost note books of Leonardo da Vinci? Dwight: No, the door of the Piggly-Wiggly. Jason: (thinking to himself) I could increase clinic manpower.Will you knock it off; you suppose to be enjoying a night out with your wife. Oh, look at her, having the time of her life. Maggie: (thinking to herself) I'd give you cash to turn this car around.Stop it; you know how much he wants to go out tonight. Jason: I'd rather put thumb tacks in my shorts.I should tell her. Maggie: I've got so much to do at home; I've got to tell him.Jason.... Jason: Sweetheart I've...You go first. Maggie: Honey, how do you feel about going out tonight? Jason: Oh, jazzed and tingly.You? Maggie: Oh, in the ballpark of jazzed.Just a side of tingly. Jason: What, more like, uhhh... Maggie: I'd rather have thumb tacks in my shorts. Jason: Me too. Maggie: Honey, I'm so sorry...you'd rather have thumb tacks too? Jason: Yeah, I don't want to go out tonight.You want to go home? Maggie: Oh you bet.Oh honey, isn't this the silliest thing we have ever done? Jason: Well we did have a slight miscommunication, based on our great love for one another. Here we can stop next ramp straight home make the most what is left this evening. Maggie: Ok, but why are we slowing down? Kate: This turnip soup is...umm...it's interesting. Mike: Ninety-nine percent flavor free. Carol: You have absolutely no since of adventure. Mike: Hey, I'm here aren't I? Kate: So, uh, Dwight what else are we having? Dwight: Thought you'd never ask.Voila. Kate: Meat? Carol: Dwight, I thought I told you, Kate doesn't eat anything with a face. Dwight: I cut it off. Mike: Well, just out of curiosity Dwight, what was it when it had a face? Dwight: Just your plain, garden variety muskrat. Mike: Muskrat?Dwight, where did you get a muskrat?Did some guy in an alley come up to you, open his coat, and it was just hanging there? Dwight: You know Merve? Mike: Carol, you've had some weird boyfriends before but this time you got the door prize. Carol: Ok Mike, that it, apologize to Dwight or I am never talking to you again? Mike: Great!Two birds with one stone. Dwight: You've had other boyfriends? Carol: Ah, I should have known.I mean there is no way for us to be friends. We are like oil and water, smart and stupid, and Dwight I told you Kate was a vegetarian. Kate: Carol, he meant well. Dwight: Hey, I can handle my own woman. Kate: Your own woman?Carol, is that the kind of relationship you two have? Carol: You're talking to me about relationships and you're with that? Mike: Oh, hey, let's face facts here.There are four people in this room; two of them are wearing tights, and it isn't us. Kate, come on get your stuff, we are out of here. Kate: Dwight we had a lovely time. Mike: No, no, no.Kate you don't have to be polite unless you want to be invited back. Dwight: Hey! Ben: Hey! Chrissy: Hey!What happened? Ben: The lights went off. Ben: Chrissy I can't, I think the power is off. Chrissy: I don't like the dark. Chrissy: Ok. Chrissy: What did you do? Ben: Nothing!It's a power failure, why are you blaming me? Chrissy: This never happens when mommy or daddy are home. Ben: Look, you stay right here, I know where a flashlight is.Mom keeps it up here next to the uh....Christmas ornaments.Great, it still works. Chrissy: That's not a real light.Put the lamp back on. Ben: Chrissy, I can't there is no electricity. Chrissy: Oh, so let's watch television tell it comes back on. Chrissy: Wait a minute, I can't watch T.V.but you can listen to the radio? Ben: Chrissy!We are going to play a little game called "shut up".You go first. Radio announcer: The storm has downed a number of power lines causing blackouts over most of long island. Radio announcer: Local predicts that the blackout will last another eight to twelve hours. Mike: A blackout, great!Dwight, open the door. Dwight: Woops! Mike: I don't want to hear woops from this guy. Mike: Cut to the chase. Dwight: We are trapped like rats. Mike: All right.Kate, watch you, I am going to break a window. Kate: Mike! Carol: Wait, wait, wait!There is an icy wind out there and the heat is off.You are not breaking anything. Mike: Look Carol, all I have to do is throw something down to the street with a note attached explaining our situation. Now, uh, what's the most worthless thing we've got up here? Carol: You leave my Dwight alone. Kate: It's getting cold. Dwight: Never thought I'd die by freezing.I always thought it would be a shower mishap. Mike: Come on, we are not going to freeze.There are plenty of ways to keep warm.Like, uh... Dwight: We could eat. Carol/Mike/Kate: Pass Dwight: I was talking about dessert. Mike: Oh, don't tell me.Merve sold you a goose for a goose berry pie? Dwight: No, waffle sweet-cake. Dwight: None.Just a hogs heard of "wassa wine". Jason: Move it goober. Maggie: Feel better? Jason: I did until I realized that is a police car in front of us. Police man: Excuse me sir, but did you just call me goober? Jason: That was trooper, trooper.Thanks for asking.Good night. Police man: We've got some downed power lines up ahead.Most of the island is blacked out.Keep your pants on. Maggie: A black out, Jason the children! Maggie: Oh great!Of all the nights to be taken away from home. Jason: What's that suppose to mean.What like this is my fault?Maggie, three months ago tonight was just a date on the calendar. We mutually circled it for some quality time together. Maggie: Oh, is that all this is to you? Jason: The point is... Maggie: What is this, some kind of clinical exercise?Ok Jason, what else was on your agenda? Jason: Sweetheart, look I'm sorry.I did want to be with you tonight.I wanted to spend...wait a minute, you didn't want to be here either!! Maggie: No Jason, I didn't say I didn't want... Jason: I have absolutely nothing to apologize for, Miss not tonight dear I have a deadline. Maggie: Well, if that's the way you feel about it. Jason: Where are you going? Maggie: I am walking home.At least there people want to talk to me. Jason: Ah! Maggie: There is an icy wind and I am wearing thin shoes. Carol: Well Mike, guess Miss Manners couldn't hold her cake. Mike: Dwight, exactly how much wine is in a hogs head? Dwight: About sixty-three gallons. Mike: Sixty-three gallons? Dwight: Most of it cooks off. Mike: I don't believe this!First you get us trapped in the dark, then you try to feed us road kll, you get my girl plastered. Dwight: Hey, in LA people pay big buck for a party like that. Mike: Yeah well this isn't LA.We are getting colder by the minute.How are you going to get us out of this mess curly, toes? Dwight: Well, we can drape every walls, windows, keep out cold. Mike: Alright, where can we get drapes around here. Carol: Yes, he does drapes too. Chrissy: I feel like the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man.Why can't we put the heater on? Ben: What are you complaining about?Your warm now, aren't you? Chrissy: Yes. Ben: Good. Chrissy: Ben? Ben: What!?!? Chrissy: I have to go to the bathroom. Ben: What?Why didn't you say that six layers ago? Chrissy: Cause I didn't have to go then. Ben: Well too bad, you're just going to have to hold it. Chrissy: Is the bathroom electric too? Ben: Yes! Chrissy: This is all your fault Ben Seaver!You broke the lights, now you broke the bathroom; I bet you broke the whole neighborhood. Ben: That's right Chrissy!I broke everything, its all part of my sick twisted plan. Guess what, I saved the best for last.We are going to die, it's freezing outside and the smallest goes first. Chrissy: (cries) Ben: Aw...come on Chrissy, I'm just kidding.Everything is going to be fine. Chrissy: It is not.You said the smallest goes first, and I'm the smallest. Ben: Look Chrissy don't cry.Ok, you want me to make a "googy" face? Chrissy: You always have a "googy" face. Ben: Ok, I'll tell you a story?How about the Three Little Pigs? Chrissy: There is a wolf in that one. Ben: Umm...how about Little Red Riding Hood? Chrissy: There is a wolf in that one too. Ben: Ginger Bread Man? Chrissy: Wolf. Ben: Chrissy, isn't there anything I can do to make you feel better? Chrissy: You can take me to the bathroom. Ben: You got it.Walk this way.Stick with me cutie-pie; I'll take good care of you. Jason: Five hours stuck in a car that is some romantic evening.What? Maggie: You just described our first date. Jason: Oh. Maggie: What? Jason: Yeah, I remember how hard I had to work to get you alone on that first car of mine. Maggie: Well I still remember what you said."Hey Malone, want to see my fuzzy dice?" Jason: Don't laugh, it worked.I'm sorry about earlier. Maggie: Yeah, me too.So what kind of evening did I miss? Jason: Front row seats at Miss Saigon, a window table at the rainbow room, and a buggy ride through central park with what horse in the little flowered hat that you love so much. Maggie: Ah, Jason, you really did want to make this a special night. Jason: Yeah, I love you Maggie.Lately I miss you. Maggie: I miss you too. Maggie: I am coming back up front. Jason: No, no.I got a better idea...yee haa. Maggie: Jason, you and I in the back seat of a car, I half expect my father to shine his flashlight on us. Jason: Yeah Police Man: Roads clearing up, you kids bat it or I will have your parents meet us at the station. Maggie: Oh, Jason, I'm sorry you missed Miss Saigon. Dwight: Hey, you know, I think this drape thing just might do it. Mike: Your man's a walking punch line. Carol: Mike, why do you pick on Dwight so much? Mike: Oh gee Carol, I don't know.Maybe it's because he talks like a geek, he walks like a monkey, and he dresses like chimp. In fact, I think he is the fourth stooge. Carol: Look Mike, I'm the first to admit that Dwight's a little.... Mike: Squirrelly? Carol: Different. Mike: Well you got that right. Carol: Well let's face it; Polly-Anna over there wouldn't win the Miss Normal of the universe contest. Mike: What's that suppose to mean? Carol: Mike, she grazes. Mike: Carol, the point is, Kate loves me and I love her.And for you information I think that grazing thing is kind of cute. Carol: The way you feel about Kate, that's how I feel about Dwight. Well, it's just that Dwight is the first guy I've met who, who appreciates and understands me for who I really am. He is my significant other, so get use to it. Mike: Could take a little while. Kate: Hey everybody. Mike: Hey sleepy head! Kate: Why is it so warm in here, what happened? Mike: Oh, well uh, curly toes...I mean Dwight, saved us with his drape idea.He can actually be pretty smart sometimes. Dwight: Couldn't have done it without you Mike. Kate: I wonder how long tell the power comes on. Carol: Dwight, why don't you play some music for us to help us pass the time?Yes, he sings too. (sing) Dwight: You just, you just call out my name and you know wherever I am, That I'll come running, to see you again. Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall, all you got to do is call and I'll be there.I will.You got a friend. Mike: Oh my gosh. Carol: The black out's over.Yeah!Come here. Kate: Well I guess we can go home now. Carol: Yeah, sure can.But I was kind of enjoying that song though. Dwight: Yeah, me too. Mike: Well hey, we can finish it. Mike, Dwight, Carol, Kate: You just, you just call out my name and you know wherever I am, I'll come running.To see you again. Ben: Chrissy, hi, the black out's over.Want me to put you to bed? Chrissy: No, I like it here with you.	{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x22 - The Wrath of Con Ed"}	foreverdreaming
Maggie: What makes you think I've got news? Jason: Oh, I know that look Maggie.Either, you've got some good news or you just saw Hari Krishna getting his robe caught in the baggage carousel. Maggie: Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Jason: Oh you love teasing me don't you? Maggie: I am not teasing you.I know something you don't know. Jason: So I take it the story on Senator Howard went well. Maggie: Uh-huh. Jason: And you got lots of good material for your column, and.... Maggie: So what's new? Jason: Either you talk or I am going to turn this car into oncoming traffic. Maggie: Ok, not only did I get a great interview for the paper, but Senator Howard was very impressed with me. Jason: There is a Simi approaching Maggie, spill it. Maggie: The Senator offered me a job. Jason: What?!?! Maggie: Executive director of media relations. Jason: Oh, well that's fantastic! Maggie: With a great salary. Jason: Yeah! Maggie: Yes, there is only one small catch. Jason: What?No parking space? Maggie: Oh, yes, with my name on it.But it's in Washington DC. Jason: Ah! Maggie: I can't tell you what an ego boost it was to have the Senator insist I take this job.Do you know what its like to have someone begging at your knees? Jason: Well, just when Mike needs gas money. Maggie: And the executive search committee has stopped looking for any other candidates. Jason: Honey that is very flattering, I guess you really suppressed them.I mean it's not many women walk out of a Senators office saying no. I would have loved to have seen the look on that cranky old geezers face. Maggie: Jason, Senator Howard is a woman. Jason: Oh!Well that explains the pearls he wore on nightline.So how did she take it when you turned her down? Maggie: Well, actually... Jason: You did turn her down Maggie? Maggie: There was a "No" in my heart, but "I'll think about it" came out of my mouth. Jason: Why didn't "No, my family lives in New York" come out? Maggie: Well Jason what was I suppose to say?Sorry, I can't help you chart the world's go-political future; there is a pork festival at the Piggly-Wiggly. Jason: Simple, "Stuff it Senator" would suffice. Maggie: Oh really?And would you have said stuff it if you had been offered the perfect job? Jason: The Islanders already have a goalie. Maggie: Oh!Jason I'm serious. Jason: Well Maggie, if it meant un-employing my spouse and uprooting my children, yes of course, I would have to say no. Maggie: Well obviously I'm turning it down.But you could have at least let me revel in the fantasy for a minute, before tightening down the guilt screws. Jason: I'm sorry, let's revel. Maggie: Now I don't feel like it. Jason: Come on Maggie, please, I am begging for details now. Maggie: Well it is kind of impressive.I would have had a staff of twenty people. Jason: Wow! Maggie: I would have been testifying before congress and lobbying for consumer rights. Jason: You in congress? Maggie: Yes, I would have had a major voice in shaping legislation.I actually would have had more to say in running this government then Marilyn Quail. Jason: I had no idea it was this big. Maggie: Oh honey, it's the perfect blend of journalism and rights advocacy.It's everything I have ever wanted in a job. Oh boy, I just realized the longer I put off turning this down the sadder I'll be.I'll call the Senator right now. Jason: Maggie you can't turn this job down. Maggie: Now you revel. Jason: Honey I'm serious, I'm deadly serious.This job is just too good for you to refuse. Maggie: Jason this is nuts. Jason: Well wait a minute, we have been taking care of the kids all these years, haven't we always said we needed to do something for ourselves? Maggie: Well I always assumed you meant his and her massages at Mr.Steve's. Jason: Maggie, think about this. Maggie, Jason what about your practice? Jason: Well I have wanted to do some clinical work.There are great clinics in Washington.Maggie, maybe its time that I shook my life up a little bit too. Maggie: But what about yanking the kids out of school? Jason: Carol is an adult, Mike is over twenty-one. Maggie: Well what about Ben and Chrissy? Jason: Honey they are cute, somebody will take then in.Honey, this could be a great opportunity for them. Maggie: You mean just pick up and move? Jason: Well we will discuss it with the whole family. Maggie: Oh Jason! Jason: I just thought of another fringe benefit. Maggie: What? Jason: If you get on Good Morning America I could meet Joan London. Maggie: Oh! Chrissy: What is a Seaver summit anyway? Mike: Well it's a supper duper important family meeting. Carol: Presumably important enough to make us miss Cross fre with Pat Buchanan and Pewee Herman. Ben: So important that we have only had two in my lifetime.The last one was to tell us you were going to be born. Mike: Yeah, and the other was when you got caught singing "I'm looking under a two legged wonder" during nap time. Jason: All right, glad you're all here. Carol: This had better be good. Maggie: Oh it is, at least we hope you all think it is. Ben: Oh my God!You're going to have another baby. Jason and Maggie: No, no! Jason: But your mom does have some exciting news she'd like to share with you. Chrissy: We are finally getting a dog? Maggie: No, we are moving. Mike: We are what? Ben: No way! Carol: No kidding! Chrissy: No dog? Maggie: I mean, we might move, that is if you all... Jason: Maggie why don't you just back and start at page one. Maggie: Everybody sit down.You all know I have been doing a series of interviews with Senator Howard. Mike: Yeah, isn't he that guy who wore pearls on Night Line? Maggie: Senator Howard is a woman. Mike: Get out of town. Maggie: And yesterday she offered me a job as executive director of media relations.That means moving the family to Washington DC. Ben: To bad, sounded like a great gig.Well I'm off to Stinky's. Jason: Woo...Ben, Ben, the Seaver summate is far from over. Ben: She is your woman dad, you straighten her out. Jason: Sit of pay rent. Chrissy: I don't understand what's going on here. Maggie: Well honey, mommy is thinking about getting a new job. Chrissy: You're not going to be my mommy any more? Maggie: No sweetheart, I will always be your mommy.But we are thinking about moving to a wonderful place called Washington DC. Chrissy: The mrder capital of the USA?That's what I heard on hard copy. Jason: Well obviously we have a lot of questions to ask, a lot of thinks to talk about over the next couple of days. Mike: Oh Boy, that means a lot more boring chit-chat until mom finally comes to her senses. Maggie: Mike! Carol: Mike I really don't appreciate your caviler attitude towards mom's career. Mike: Yeah, well, that's the difference between you and me. Carol: Yeah, I know what caviler means. Chrissy: Carol, why does mommy want a new job? Carol: Well, because it is a great opportunity. Chrissy: why? Carol: Well she will have the kind of job that most women only dream of. Chrissy: Why? Carol: Chrissy, I am going to speak to you not as a sister, but as a "sister". Chrissy: Ok. Carol: Now, as you may have noticed, we live in a male dominated society where in women are mere chattel. Our mother, "our sister" has the rare opportunity to shrug off the yoke of male oppression.Are you with me so far? Chrissy: Did you know your nostrils move when you say the letter "M". Carol: I'm sorry Chrissy; I think I was speaking over your head. Chrissy: It's ok; when we drive to Washington you can explain how mommy is my "sister". Carol: Sweetheart, if we move to Washington, I'm not going. Chrissy: Your not? Carol: Well no, I'm going to stay at Columbia and live in the dorms.And that way I can be closer to Dwight. Chrissy: And you're happy about that? Carol: Well of course I am. Chrissy: That means I'll never see you again. Carol: Sure you will, we are family and family stays in touch, it's the law. Chrissy: It is? Carol: Um-huh.I'm going to be visiting so much you are going to get tired of looking at this face. Chrissy: Oh, like the way Ben and Mike do. Carol: No, not like the way Ben and Mike do.But no matter what, we will always be close. Chrissy: Pinky swear? Carol: Hug swear. Chrissy: I love you. Carol: I love you. Maggie: Carol that was really sweet. Carol: Mom, snap out of it, I was talking to a kid.The truth would have warped her. Maggie: The truth? Carol: Oh sure we will see a lot of each other in the beginning, but before long it will just be Thanksgiving and Christmas. And before you know it our spouses won't want to come over on the holidays. And before long we will be faxing Valentines and sending cards that say sorry I forgot your birthday. Maggie: Carol, our birthdays are in the same month. Carol: Which only makes it all the more tragic. Maggie: Well we really won't have as much time to spend together. Maggie: Now it's your turn to share a secret. Carol: All right.Remember the Saturday night last month when Debbie, Shelly, and I went to the library and then we spent the night at Debbie's house? Maggie: Yeah. Carol: Well we didn't study at all. Maggie: Yeah. Carol: Instead, we took the train into Manhattan and went to this really neat dance club in Soho. Maggie: Yeah? Carol: You had to be twenty-one to get into this place so Debbie and Shelly were about to give up.But I was so cool, I greased the doorman. Maggie: Greased? Carol: I slipped him twenty dollars to let us in.I mean is that neat or what? It was so great, we danced till four in the morning with these guys who didn't even speak English. And then we took the train back and snuck into her room and were sound asleep before her parents ever woke up.And to this day, no one is any the wiser. Carol: Oh, come-on mom I admire you.I mean there are very few women who are willing to deny their families needs and think only of themselves. Maggie: Oh Jason, the more I think about this move the more I question whether taking this job is right. Jason: Of course it is. Maggie: Well how can you say that when we will be upsetting our children's lives? Jason: Our children love to be upset, about time we got even.I don't mean to make light of this Maggie, it's just that change is good for people. It makes them stronger. Maggie: Or scars them for life.Remember the time I rearranged the living room furniture?Ben had nightmares for a week. Jason: Not to mention black and blue legs.Our kids have been uprooted before Maggie, remember that weekend we all had to spend at Mike's? Ben: I can't sleep on this floor, things are crawling on me. Mike: Hey wait a minute, wooo, hold on, time out.I'm the one who owns the bed and you guys are going to sleep in it. I'm suppose to sleep on the floor?No way!Make room. Jason: Oh! Carol: Hey Mike that's my foot! Jason: Well who has got their elbow in my back? Maggie: Guys my toenails! Jason: You can't have this many people in this bed! Mike: Dad I have had twice this many people in this baby.Don't worry they were all guys.You know what I mean. Carol: Wait Ben, did you wet the bed? Ben: No!Wait a minute, we are not all wetting the bed, the bed is wetting us. Carol: I just want to point out that it was Mike who broke the waterbeds back! Jason: Oh shut up!! Maggie: Oh nice, the genius who canceled his credit card tells his daughter to "shut up"?! Jason: I did what I had to do, and I'm telling you staying here is a lot better then borrowing money from Walter! Maggie: That's because he wouldn't have lent it to you! Jason: Oh yeah?Well that shows how much you know, I didn't even ask him!Yeah that's right!A man has pride! Maggie: You we weren't forced to stay in this place, you chose this?! Jason: That's right, I chose it!But that was before I so stupidly thought that we might enjoy this as a little family fun!!! Ha, ha, ha!!! Mike: Are you all just going to stand there or are you going to help me drink my bed. Jason: Maggie don't you dare turn this job down unless you have a real good reason. Maggie: It is a great job. Jason: um-huh. Jason: Trust me the kids are going to be just fine once they get use to the idea of moving. Maggie: Come in. Ben: Umm... guys I just wanted to say goodnight.Oh, um, by the way you guys can go on ahead to Washington but I'm not going. Maggie: Ben!Ben, sweetheart can we talk about this? Ben: Why bother?I mean you won't listen to me, any way Maggie: Benjamin Huppert Horatio Humphrey Seaver, that's not fair! Ben: If life were fair my middle name would be Bill.Mom I hate this I mean Mike and Carol get to decide what they want. You guys treat me like I'm a little baby. Maggie: We do not. Ben: You do too, do too, do too. Maggie: Now here let me do this, you are going to hurt yourself. Ben: Could you cut it in four little solders for me? Maggie: Come on Ben, I know your upset but could we please look at this rationally? Ben: Ok, I will be rational. You have hired a private detective to follow me around school and now he has told you that I have finally shed my last vestiges of geek-ocity, and now you have decided to smash my life into little pieces with the help of a woman senator who looks like Joe Peschie. Maggie: Come on honey, don't get carried away. Ben: Me!I never get carried away. Ben: What your point? Mike: I think that if he was married before, that probably means he had another wife. Ben: Oh no! Mike: And I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they are living somewhere on long island. Ben: Yeah, dad wouldn't want to move far away from his kids. Carol: What kids? Ben: The ones he goes and visits when he say's he is going to get a haircut. Carol: Ben! Ben: I got it, dad's other wife cuts his hair while he plays with his other kids.So they couldn't be far away, I bet right on this street. Maybe they come over here while we are at school.Wear our clothes and play with our stuff.That's why my room gets so messed up. Ben: All right, all right I almost never get carried away.Look mom, cant you wait to find a great job tell after I'm out of high school? Maggie: Oh sweetheart, I wish I could but this is a once in a lifetime chance. Now I know how you feel; this is going to be a big change for all of us.I'm worried too. Ben: Not half as much as I am. Maggie: You have always been there for me. Maggie: Ben I know this has been a big change for all of us.And I worry about not being here for you because, well, you're the youngest. And I worry about not being here for Carol because she is a girl and she her mother. And I worry about not being here for Mike to keep him from accidentally blwing something up. And believe me; I worry about leaving your father here all alone to cope with all you monsters. Ben: You shouldn't worry so much mom, you will make yourself crazy. Maggie: I love you little pumpkin-head. Maggie: Ah, pumpkin-head. Mike: Hey Ben, can I borrow ten bucks? Ben: Help yourself, top drawer rolled up inside my Wayne's World underwear. Mike: Hello, earth to Ben.How many times have I told you, you never lend money to family.Boy, moms' right you are depressed. Ben: Not anymore, I am just going to ask Stinky's parents if I can stay with them tell after high school. Mike: Uh, Ben I don't think you want to stay with the people who made Stinky. Ben: Fine then I will sleep in the school library.I'm sure they still have your cot set up. Mike: Benny, come on, do I look upset at the prospect of being tosses out of my cushy little bachelor pad? No, and do you know why?Not going to happen. Ben: What? Mike: Ben, come on, mom is just going through some kind of post-nasal mid-life crisis.I mean, she just wants to think about change. Ben: Mike grow a beard.Mom wouldn't pull our chains for nothing. Mike: Ok, well let's just say in a million-to-one sht, she actually goes through with this whole job change and you move to Washington. Now I know you think Washington is probably filled with sleazy crooks and con-artists.But relax; there is room for one more. Ben: Mike leave my room. Mike: Benny, look, we would be talking about a whole new school, who knows absolutely nothing about the sure f*re Seaver scams. Ben: Yeah, I don't know. Mike: Look Benny, I mean if they were really going to drag you all the way to Washington they would have already tried to bribe you with a car of something. Ben: A car, what would I do with a car? Mike: Now remember, when I say now you pop the clutch. Ben: Like I said before I got it. Mike: That was then this is now. Ben: AHHH!!! Mike: The brake, Benny the break! Mike's friend: He doesn't hear either one of us now. Ben: Oh, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive!Hey, this is fun. Ben: And I am not going to be eighteen for another three years. Mike: Yeah, but in six months you will be sixteen and that's the legal driving age in DC. Jason: Well I have rounded up all the kids Miss Capital Hill.You could say the house is assembled and they're awaiting your state of the union address. Maggie: Jason these Washington puns are starting to get on my nerves, will you please stop? Jason: Whatever you say dear.Hail to the chief.I know it's a little bit dorky but, hey, I'm excited about you taking this job. Maggie: Oh honey, I have thought a lot about this and Ben is never going to warm up to this move.I just don't think I can go through with it. Jason: Honey, this is a chance of a lifetime, this thing means a lot to you. Jason: Well, that position just may be filled by then Maggie, or maybe Chrissy won't want you to move to Washington. By the time you finally decide to follow your dream Maggie it's going to be time to retire. Maggie: Honey, you told me I shouldn't pass up on this opportunity unless I had a heck of a reason. Well I just think that hurting one of my kids is reason enough. Jason: All right, if that's your decision, I support it. Ben: Mom, um, I've got to talk to you.Before you make your decision I think you should hear how I really feel. Mike: Carol, what are you doing? Carol: Seeing if this will fit in my dorm room.I'm sure mom will give it to me if I make her feel guilty enough. Mike: Carol, mom is not going anywhere. Carol: Mike there is no way she could pass up a job like this. Mike: Carol, I'm telling you, not going to happen. Maggie: Ok, everyone, I have made my decision.I am taking the job in Washington! Jason: You are?! Maggie: Yeah! Ben: And I'm getting a car! Jason: You are?	{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x23 - The Last Picture Show: Part 1"}	foreverdreaming
Maggie: We are thinking about moving to a wonderful place called Washington DC. Chrissy: The mrder capital of the USA? Ben: You guys can go on ahead to Washington, but I'm not going. Maggie: Ok everyone I have made my decision, I am taking the job in Washington. Jason: You are? Ban: And I'm getting a car! Jason: You are? Kate: Hi, I rushed over as fast as I could. Mike: I am going to get right to the point, Kate let's do it. Kate: Pardon me? Mike: Let's get married. Kate: Mike I have waited so long to hear you say that, I am so happy! Mike: Oh, great then it's settled. Kate: Oh this is so unexpected. Mike: Well Kate, with my patents selling the house and moving to Washington DC. Kate: Your parents are moving to Washington? Mike: I mean I have got to start thinking about my future.I mean our future, dearest.I mean let's face it Kate it is going to be though. Kate: Oh I know but we can do it.We might have to scrimp and save.... Mike: I am so glad your up for this; I was actually thinking that I was going to have to find myself a new apartment. Kate: Oh really? Mike: Oh yeah, but now we can stay at your place. Kate: My place? Mike: Oh then we agree!I was worried there for a second, I mean let's face it my mom is not going to be around to do my cooking and cleaning any more. Kate: Poor baby.But if we were married than I could do those things. Mike: Exactly! Kate: I could keep the refrigerator full and I could help pay those bills. Mike: Ah, Kate your reading my mind. Kate: You could have your friends over and I could wait on them hand and foot. Mike: We are so in sync, this is the perfect time for us to be together. Kate: Mike you are amazing. Mike: Oh well thank you but I did have a whole night to work this out. Kate: Mike Seaver, I've got three little words for you. Mike: I love you? Kate: Get a dog. Chrissy: Ben you've got to help me, Mr.Blowhole doesn't want to move. Ben: Ok, now why won't he go to Washington? Chrissy: He is afraid that he won't have any friends to play with. Ben: Well, does he know that I'm going to be there and so will mom and dad? Chrissy: I'm talking friends here Ben, you know his kind. Ben: Oh, well, maybe he will listen to this big butt thing here. Chrissy: That's Bertha Big Jeans. Ben: Man, she needs to cut back on the honey. Chrissy: You don't know a lot, all the animals talk behind your back. Ben: Hi there Mr.Blowhole. Chrissy: Oh, Ben one thing, Mr.Blowhole is good friends with Papa Pig. Chrissy: Mr.Blowhole says he was born in this house and it is the only place he ever lived. Ben: Well Washington DC is nice place to live. Chrissy: Ben he is scared. Ben: Don't be scared Mr.Blowhole, we are your family and when a family goes somewhere they have nothing to be afraid of.Yeah, yeah. Chrissy: What?Mr.Blowhole says he will go. Ben: Yeah! Chrissy: And Mr.Blowhole wants to give you the biggest kiss of all. Ben: Oh, that's all right. Chrissy: Come on, kiss Mr.Blowhole. Ben: Ok, come here Blowhole.Pucker up. Mike: Hey dad, I think it's time we have a guy to guy talk. Jason: Yeah well that would be nice Mike but I am a little busy right now. Mike: Oh well that's up to you dad, but can you afford to put your future on hold? Jason: Oh my God, you got a job selling life insurance. Mike: No dad, it's just that, did you know moving can be one of life's most stressful experiences. I mean its right up there with losing a loved one and listening to Ben eat. Jason: Ok Mike, what's this all about? Mike: The truth? Jason: Well yeah, after twenty years, that would be a refreshing change. Mike: Ok dad, the truth is, that with you and mom moving to Washington, I don't know what is going to happen to me. Jason: I didn't know you felt that way. Mike: Yeah well neither did I until I found myself proposing to Kate. Jason: You proposed Mike?Hey congratulations... Mike: She turned me down.I guess the woman is allergic to cooking and cleaning. Jason: You mentioned cooking and cleaning in a proposal? Mike: That's not the only thing I said dad, I mean I also covered love and rent. Jason: Well you can't get married out of convenience. Mike: Why not? Jason: Because marriage is not about convenience Mike, it's about compromise.Look at me, I m moving my practice to Washington. Mike: You are moving all your nut-cases to Washington? Jason: No there are plenty of nut-cases in Washington, and they are not nut-cases Mike.Oh hey, it's just that when I heard about the move, I said forget it. But the thing about a relationship is that sometimes you have to consider another person's needs before your own, put yours on hold. Mike: Dad, that's exactly what I ask Kate to do and she said no. Jason: What I meant was maybe you could put Kate's needs first.But don't let us moving to Washington throw you into a panic Mike. You're going to be able to fend for yourself.You have grown up. Mike: I have? Jason: Oh yeah, you are ready for responsibility now, total re... Jason: Ok look, here is the deal.I will give you a little more freedom; you've got to promise me a lot more responsibility. Mike: Hey, no problem dad, I swear, I am ready for total responsibility. Jason: Mike, I'm not ready for total responsibility. Jason: Some responsibility. Mike: I hear you dad, I am going to take responsibility for my life.And I am going to start be apologizing to Kate.I just wish I knew the right way to do it. Jason: Well if you don't mind me saying so, I think the best way to a women's heart is sincerity.And if that's not working try a little gift. Mike: Candy gram. Kate: Mike is that you? Mike: No, it is a hundred and fifty pound Bon-Bon.Unwrap me. Kate: Pass. Mike: Well then at least read the card. Kate: I heard everything you had to say this morning. Mike: Kate, come on, it's hot in here.I blacked out twice already.For you. Kate: Thank you. Mike: I had candles going, but I singed my hair. Kate: I've got something on the stove, excuse me. Mike: Kate, look I am sorry about this morning.Kate, it's just that with my folks moving to Washington I went temporarily insane. Asking you to marry me was just a knee jerk reaction. Kate: You got it half right. Mike: Kate what I am trying to say is I am selfish and immature and thoughtless and rude and spoiled and....stop me any time here. Kate: I will when I disagree. Mike: Kate, I am asking you to marry me. Kate: Again? Mike: Yes, when the time is right. Kate: Huh? Mike: Well first, I want to finish school and start a career, so that I can give you the life that you deserve.So will you marry me, someday? Kate: Maybe, ask me someday. Mike: Hey, be careful you going to crush my packing peanuts. Mike: Hey Carol, Carol what are you doing? Carol: Just looking, thinking; seems so weird to think soon I won't be welcome in this house. Mike: Well, it seems like you should be use to that by now.Sorry, it's on auto pilot. Carol: We haven't had the greatest relationship, have we? Mike: Oh I don't know why you say that. Mike: Hello.Hey!Aw!Hey, that hurt! Carol: Hello.Oh, hi Bobby, lucky you caught me, I was just headed out the door. Mike: Well, at least we won't be living under the same roof, at each other's throats all the time. Carol: Yeah, I mean what a relief, after twenty-one years together we need a break. Mike: Wow, twenty-one years. Carol: Yeah. Mike: You have always been obnoxious. Jason: Mike, read this line. Mike: I hate this book. Jason: Oh, how do you know?You haven't even read it. Mike: I heard about it I'll just wait for the movie. Jason: Mikey. Mike: Ok, ok.Don't help me. Maggie: I heard her, she can read.Four years old and she can read Jason: It's a mericcall. Maggie: Oh, it's fantastic! Jason: Our little genius. Maggie: Oh, I'm got to go call mom and dad. Jason: I'll get the paper for her. Carol: Turn the page; I want to see how it comes out. Mike: You have always got me make me look bad don't you? Carol: Yeah. Mike: Big deal, so what if you can read, it doesn't mean nothing. Carol: Sure it does, it means I'm smart and your stupid. Mike: Oh yeah? Carol: Yeah, you're never even going to graduate. Mike: I bet you fifty bucks I do. Carol: Ok, sucker. Mike: What does graduate mean? Mike: Well, I graduated didn't I? Carol: Yeah, and you were smart enough to stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life. Mike: What are you talking about?You're still dating Dwight. Carol: No, I was talking about the time I wanted to get a nose job. Carol: If you think I'm even aware that you have been calling me funny looking for the past all my life, your crazy. Mike: Carol: why would you even listen to me?Come on, you know, you're my sister and I m suppose to call you ugly.That's my job. Carol: What, now I suppose your going to say you didn't mean it. Mike: Look, look did you mean it all those times you call me so incredibly stupid?All right, all right bad example. But Carol, come on, this is brother and sister stuff here, you know?Look, I mean Eddie calls his sister ugly, Bonner thinks his sister is ugly Carol: Bonner's sister is ugly. Mike: That's not the point Carol. The point is you're not ugly, I mean as a matter of fact in the last couple of years you're looking kind of, you have been getting better looking. Carol: Oh sure. Mike: Carol this is tough for me all right?Look, I mean, I have seen the way guys look at you, I know that look. Carol: Yeah? Mike: Yeah, I mean, you know and when your friends look at your sister that way it's kind of weird. Carol: So you are saying I'm? Mike: (mumbles). Carol: What? Mike: Pretty.I said I think you are kind of pretty. Carol: Wow, you think I'm pretty. Mike: Yeah, look, and if you have any sensitivity at all you will never ever tell anyone I said you weren't a bow-wow. Mike: You know Carol, I have been thinking, I mean after twenty-one years of my zingers you shouldn't just have to quit cold turkey. Carol: What? Mike: Well, I think we should get together every once in a while.Just to make sure that you don't start getting the idea that you are normal of anything. Carol: You would do that for me? Mike: Sure. Carol: Jerk. Mike: Geek. Maggie: Ok for our last meal we will pretend that this is an eloquent banquette with a make-believe table. Carol: Make-believe chairs. Jason: And make-believe food.Where are those guys? Carol: It's about time. Mike: Hey, pizza guy. Maggie: Good I'm starving. Chrissy: Oh good, food. Carol: I can't believe we are actually leaving. Maggie: I know, do you believe that this is the last meal we will ever have in this house? Carol: That's right, sharing stale pizza, smelling Ben. Ben: Is it too late to sell her with the house? Jason: It's amazing that this house has survived four Seaver children. Maggie: I'll remember this as the house my babies grew up in. Jason: Well they sure were cute as little kids.And they grow up. Mike: Why are you look at me? Jason: Well, he is the only guy we have ever heard of who could pull off scams in two cities at the same time. Remember the time you snuck off to California, you left Ben and Carol to cover for you? Carol: Mike? Mike: I was in here first dog breath. Maggie: Mike, don't call your sister names. Mike: All right. Carol: Mom he has been in there all morning and he says he is going to stay in through breakfast. Maggie: Mike, you don't want breakfast? Mike: No breakfast this morning mom. Maggie: What are you doing in there? Mike: Whatever it is it sure smells good. Maggie: What? Carol: Ah, what do you know Ben; the telephone is ringing at 7:59 exactly. Ben: Oh. Maggie: Carol? Carol: I got it.Hello. Mike: Yeah, I am really enjoying my five hours here in Denver.Why am I whispering? Carol: Mike telephone! Mike: I'll take it upstairs. Maggie: Carol, who is on the phone? Carol: Mike.Umm...and Bonner, he is calling over to Bonner's house. Jason: Wait a minute.Mike? Mike: Oh, dad! Jason: You're not going anywhere Mr.' Mike: I'm not? Ben: Who is dad talking to? Maggie: Mike. Ben: Bye. Jason: Don't worry, he I not taking off until he does his share of the shoveling. Mike: Well dad that is going to be a little tough. Jason: Mike I want to see you outside in five minutes no excuses.Say goodbye Bonner. Mike: Hey look, I am not the only con artist in this house.How about Benny here, he started to get through more that I did. Ben: Hello God. Mike: What are you doing? Ben: I happen to be praying for money. Mike: Ben you can't pray for money, believe me I have tried.You actually think God is going to send you a check or something? Ben: Amen. Woman: Money for the needy. Ben: Thanks. Ben: Come on, let's not forget about Carol. Carol: Me?I have never pulled a scam in my life. Maggie: Oh, what about the time you tried to fool that recruiter from Boston College. Jason: And Mike pulled in some bum off the street to play me, in a challenging dual role. Recruiter: I'm sorry your wife won't be joining us this evening. Bum: Oh yes, I am sick about the fact that Mickey can't be here. Recruiter: Isn't it Maggie? Bum: Yeah, Mickey is just my pet name for her when we are in the sack. Recruiter: Well Carol, let me begin by saying that your high school grades are nothing short of spectacular. Carol: Thank you. Mike: Yeah, and can you believe he got those straight A's after missing six whole months because of reform school. Recruiter: Reform school? Carol: Little misunderstanding over a Knfe. Bum: We are damn proud of the little slut. Carol: Ok, so one little scam no one got hurt. Chrissy: I have never done stuff like that I have always been a perfect angel. Maggie: Oh, well what about the time you threw that tantrum because you thought we were all playing around after you went to bed? Carol: Yeah? Chrissy: Can I help it if I have a health imagination? Chrissy: Its not fair, how come I have to go to bed and everyone else gets to stay up and have fun. I hear you laughing; I know what you do, wait around till Chrissy goes to bed and then party, party, party. Jason: Well I guess Chrissy must be asleep by now. Maggie: What do you want to do tonight? Jason: Oh, I don't know.Want to play Barbie's? Maggie: Kate, Mike we are going to play Barbie's, do you want to join us? Leonardo: I got to go, Chrissy's asleep and the fun is starting! Maggie: Boys, boys, if you are going to jump on the sofa you have got to jump harder, the springs need the action! Mike: Where did you get these?They are gorgeous! Jason: Santa Clause brought them!Just waiting for a special occasion. Maggie: I want to play something else.I know tea party! Kate: I want to play dress up! Leonardo: Oh, rump rope, jump rope! Jason: We have time for everything, we have all night. Maggie: Who wants cavities?Ok, I brought you some vegetables. Mike: Oh mom, are you crazy? Kate: Not for eating, for throwing. Carol: Hey are you guys playing without Chrissy again? Everyone: Yeah!! Carol: Great because look what I brought!Pony rides for everyone! Jason: Well I don't mean to break up the fun, but we have got a long drive to Washington.Guess we had better h*t the road. Mike: Yeah I have got to go break in my new landlord. Carol: Dwight is driving me to my dorm. Chrissy: Can't we stay and see what the new people look like? Ben: I'd rather not know. Carol: Me either. Maggie: Oh come on, we had better get moving. Carol: Goodbye.	{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x24 - The Last Picture Show: Part 2"}	foreverdreaming
(sound muted) (soft ambient pulse) (Sound returns.) (siren in the distance) (sound muted) (soft ambient pulse) (Sound returns.) (insects chirping) (house alarm) Will: I sht Mr. Marlow twice, severing jugulars and carotids with near-surgical precision. He will die watching me take what is his away from him. This is my design. (house alarm) (woman whimpering frantically) Will: I sht Mrs. Marlow expertly through the neck. This is not a fatal wound. The bllet misses every artery. She is paralyzed before it leaves her body. Which doesn't mean she can't feel pain. It just means she can't do anything about it. This is my design. (house alarm) (Alarm stops.) (phone ringing on other end) (keypad beeps) Security: This is DDX Security. Who am I speaking with? Will: I need the incident report for the home security company. This was recorded as a false alarm. There was a false alarm last week. He tapped their phone. Yeah. Officer: It's been tapped. Will: He recorded Mrs. Marlow's conversation with the security company. Security: This is DDX Security. Who am I speaking with? Mrs. Marlow's Voice Record: Theresa Marlow. Security: Can you please confirm your password for security purposes? Mrs. Marlow's Voice Record: Tea kettle. Security: Thank you, Mrs. Marlow. We detected a front-door alarm. Mrs. Marlow's Voice Record: Yeah, sorry about that. Security: Is there anyone in the house with you at this time, Mrs. Marlow? Mrs. Marlow's Voice Record: I'm just here with my husband. Security: Do you require any further assistance? Mrs. Marlow's Voice Record: No. Thank you so much for calling. Will: And this is when it gets truly horrifying for Mrs. Marlow. Will: Everyone has thought about klling someone, one way or another, be it your own hand or the hand of God. Now think about klling Mrs. Marlow. Why did she deserve this? Tell me your design. Tell me who you are. Jack: Mr. Graham. Special Agent Jack Crawford. I head the Behavioral Science Unit. Will: We've met. Jack: Yes. We had a disagreement when we opened up the museum. Will: I disagreed with what you named it. Jack: The, uh, Evil Minds Research Museum. Will: It's a little hammy, Jack. Jack: I see you've hitched your horse to a teaching post, and I also understand it's difficult for you to be social. Will: Well, I'm just talking at them. I'm not listening to them. It's not social. Jack: I see. May I? Where do you fall on the spectrum? Will: My horse is hitched to a post that is closer to Asperger's and autistics than narcissists and sociopaths. Jack: But you can empathize with narcissists - and sociopaths. Will: I can empathize with anybody. It's less to do with a personality disorder than an active imagination. Jack: Um can I borrow your imagination? Jack: Eight girls abducted from eight different Minnesota campuses, all in the last eight months. Will: I thought there were seven. Jack: There were. Will: When did you tag the eighth? Jack: About three minutes before I walked into your lecture hall. Will: You're calling them abductions because you don't have any bodies? Jack: No bodies, no parts of bodies, nothing that comes out of bodies. Nothing. Will: Then those girls weren't taken from where you think they were taken. Jack: Then where were they taken from? Will: I don't know. Someplace else. Jack: All of them abducted on a Friday so they wouldn't have to be reported missing until Monday. Now, however he's covering his tracks, he needs a weekend to do it. Will: Number eight? Jack: Elise Nichols. St. Cloud State on the Mississippi. Disappeared on Friday. Was supposed to house sit for her parents over the weekend, feed the cat. She never made it home. Will: Yeah, one through seven are dad, don't you think? He's not keeping them around. He got himself a new one. Jack: So we focus on Elise Nichols. Will: They're all very, um Mall of America. That's a lot of wind-chafed skin. Jack: Same hair colour, same eye colour. Roughly the same age. Same height, same weight. So what is it about all of these girls? Will: It's not about all of these girls. It's just about one of them. He's like Willy Wonka. Every girl he takes is a candy bar, and hidden in amongst all of those candy bars is the one true intended victim, which, if we follow through on our metaphor, is your golden ticket. Jack: So, is he warming up for his golden ticket, or just reliving whatever it is he did to her? Will: The golden ticket wouldn't be the first taken, and she wouldn't be the last. He would, um, hide how special she was. I mean, I would. Wouldn't you? Jack: I want you to get closer to this. Will: No. You have Heimlich at Harvard and Bloom at Georgetown. They do the same thing I do. Jack: That's not exactly true, is it? You have a very specific way of thinking about things. Will: Has there been a lot of discussion about the, uh, specific way - I think? Jack: You make jumps you can't explain, Will. Will: No, no. The evidence explains. Jack: Then help me find some evidences. Will: That may require me to be sociable. Mr. Nichols (echoing voice): She could've gone off by herself. She she was a very interior young woman. She didn't like living in her dorm. I could see how the pressure of school might have gotten to her. She likes trains. Maybe she just got on a train and- Mrs. Nichols: ... She looks like the other girls. Jack: Yes, she fits the profile. Mr. Nichols: Could Elise still be alive? Jack: We simply have no way of knowing. Will: How's the cat? Mrs. Nichols: What? Will: How's your cat? Elise was supposed to feed it. Was the cat weird when you came home? It must've been hungry. It didn't eat all weekend. Mr. Nichols: I... I didn't notice. Jack: Could you give us a moment, please? Will (whispering): He took her from here. She got on a train, she came home, she fed the cat. He took her. Jack: The Nichols' house is a crime scene. I need ERT immediately. I want Zeller, Katz, and Jimmy Price. Yes, and a photographer. Mr. Nichols: Why is it now a crime scene? Will: Can I see your daughter's room? Mr. Nichols: Polices were ther this morning... Will: No-I'll get that. Mr. Nichols, please put your hands in your pockets and avoid touching anything. Mr. Nichols: But we've been in and out of here all day. Will: You can hold the cat, if it's easier. Mr. Nichols: Elise- Will: I need you to leave the room. Jack: When you're ready to talk, you talk. If you don't feel like it, you don't talk. We'll be downstairs. You let me know when you're ready for us to come in. (siren) (soft ambient pulse) Beverly: You're Will Graham. Will: You're not supposed to be in here. Beverly: You wrote the standard monograph on time of death by insect activity. I found antler velvet in two of the wounds. You, uh, not real FBI? Will: I'm a special investigator. Beverly: Never been an FBI agent? Will: Um strict - screening procedures. Beverly: Detects instability You unstable? Jack: Now, you know you're not supposed to be in here. Beverly: I found antler velvet in two of the wounds, like she was gored. I was looking for velvet in the other wounds - but I was interrupted. Brian: Hold on, excuse me. Look, deer and elk pin their prey, OK? They put all their weight into their antlers, try and suffocate a victim. That's how they would kll, like, a fox or a coyote. Jack: All right, Elise Nichols was strangled, suffocated, her ribs are broken. Will: Antler velvet is rich in nutrients. It actually promotes healing. He may have put it in there on purpose. Jack: You think he was trying to heal her? Will: He wanted to undo as much as he could given that he'd already klled her. Jack: He put her back where he found her. Will: Whatever he did to the others, he couldn't do it to her. Jack: Is this his golden ticket? Will: No. This is an apology. Does anyone have any aspirin? Will: Hello. Hey! ... Hey! Hey. Hey. Come on. Come on. Hey. Hey, come here. Hey. Winston, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Winston. (barking) Tss! Tss! That's right. (heartbeat) Jack: What are you doing in here? Will: I enjoy the smell of urinal cake. Jack: Me too. We need to talk. USE THE LADIES' ROOM! You respect my judgment, Will? Mm-hmm. Will: Yes. Jack: Good, because we will stand a better chance of catching this guy with you in the saddle. Will: Yeah, I'm in the saddle. I'm just, um, confused which direction I'm pointing. I don't know this kind of psychopath. I've never read about him. I don't even know if he's a psychopath. He's not insensitive. He's not shallow. Jack: You know something about him; otherwise, you wouldn't have said, "This is an apology". What is he apologizing for? Will: He couldn't honour her. He feels bad. Jack: Well, feeling bad defeats the purpose of being a psychopath, doesn't it? Will: Yes! It does. Jack: Then what kind of crazy is he?! Will: He couldn't show her he loved her, so he put her corpse back where he klled it. Whatever crazy that is. Jack: You think he loves these girls? Will: He loves one of them. A-And, yes, I think by association he has some form of love for the others. Jack: There was no semen, there was no saliva. Elise Nichols died a virgin. She stayed that way. Will: That's not how he's loving them. He wouldn't disrespect them that way! He doesn't want these girls to suffer. He kills them quickly and to his thinking, with mercy. Jack: Sensitive psychopath. Risked getting caught so he could tuck Elise Nichols back into bed. Will: He has to take the next girl soon 'cause he knows he's gonna get caught. One way or the other. Beverly: I got you. Jack: Graham likes you. Doesn't think you'll run any mind games on him. Alana: I don't. I'm as honest with him as I'd be with a patient. Jack: You've been observing him while you've been guest lecturing here at the academy, yes? Alana: I've never been in a room alone with Will. Jack: Why not? Alana: Because I want to be his friend, and I am. Jack: Ah, it seems a shame not to take advantage snd academically speaking. Alana: You already asked me to do a study on him, Jack. I said no. And anything scholarly on Will Graham would have to be published posthumously. Jack: So, you've never been alone with him because you have a professional curiosity about him. (Jack chuckles.) Alana: Normally I wouldn't even broach this, but what do you think one of Will's strongest drives is? Jack: Fear. Alana: Mm-hmm. Jack: Will Graham deals with huge amounts of fear. It comes with his imagination. Alana: It's the price of imagination. Jack: Alana, I wouldn't put him out there if I didn't think I could cover him. All right, if I didn't think I could cover him 80%. Alana: I wouldn't put him out there. Jack: He's out there. I need him out there. Should he get too close, I need you to make sure he's not out there alone. Alana: Promise me something, Jack. Don't let him get too close. Jack: He won't ... get too close. Jimmy (sighing): OK. Tried her skin for prints of course nothing. We did get a hand spread off her neck. Beverly: Report say anything about nails? Brian: Fingernails were smudged when we took the scrapings. The scrapings were from her own palms when she scratched them. She never scratched him. Beverly: Piece of metal is all we got. Will: We should be looking at plumbers, steamfitters, tool workers. Brian: Other injuries were probably but not conclusively post-mortem. So not gored. Beverly: She has lots of piercings that look like they were caused by deer antlers. I didn't say the deer was responsible for putting them there. Will: She was mounted on them. Like hooks. She may have been bled. Brian: Her liver was removed. Jimmy: See that? He took it out, and then - yep, he put it back in. Brian: Huh. Jimmy: Why would he cut it out if he's just gonna sew it back in again? Will: Something wrong with the meat? Brian: She has liver cancer. Will: He's, um he's eating them. (crying) Franklin: Please... Thank you. I hate being this neurotic. Hannibal: If you weren't neurotic, Franklyn, you would be something much worse. Our brain is designed to experience anxiety in short bursts, not the prolonged duress yours has seemed to enjoy. That's why you feel as though a lion were on the verge of devouring you. Franklyn... (crying) Franklin: Yes. Hannibal: You have to convince yourself the lion is not in the room. When it is, I assure you, you will know. Jack: Dr. Lecter. I'm, uh, Special Ag- Hannibal: I hate to be discourteous, but this is a private exit for my patients. Jack: Oh, Dr. Lecter. Sorry. Um, I'm, uh, Special Agent Jack Crawford, FBI. May I come in? Hannibal: You may wait in the waiting room. Franklyn, I'll see you next week. Franklin: Yes. Hannibal: Unless, of course, this is about him. Jack: No, this is all about you. Hannibal: Please, come in. So, may I ask how this is all about me? Jack: You can ask, but I may have to ask you a few questions first. You expecting another patient? Hannibal: We're all alone. Jack: Oh, good. No secretary? Hannibal: Was predispositioned to romantic whims. Followed her heart to the United Kingdom. (Jack chuckles.) Sad to see her go. Jack: Wow. Are these yours, Doctor? Hannibal: Among the first. My boarding school in Paris when I was a boy. Jack: The amount of detail is incredible. Hannibal: I learned very early a scalpel cuts better points than a pencil sharpener. Jack: Well, now I understand why your drawings earned you an internship at Johns Hopkins. Hannibal: I'm beginning to suspect you're investigating me, - Agent Crawford. Jack (Chuckling): No, no. No, you were referred to me by Alana Bloom in the psychology department Georgetown. Hannibal: Most psychology departments are filled with personality deficients. Dr. Bloom would be the exception. Jack: Yes, she would. Yes, she would. Well, she told me that you mentored her during her residency at Johns Hopkins. Hannibal: I learned as much from her as she did from me. Jack: Yes, but she also showed me, uh, your paper. "Evolutionary" uh, "Evolutionary Origins of Social Exclusion"? Hannibal: Yes. Jack: Very interesting. Very interesting. Even for a layman. Hannibal: A layman? Jack: Yeah. Hannibal: So many learned fellows going about in the halls of Behavioral Science - at the FBI, and you consider yourself a layman. Jack: I do when I'm in your company, doctor. Um, I need you to help me with a psychological profile. Hannibal: Tell me, then, how many confessions? Jack: Twelve dozen, the last time I checked. None of them had any details until this morning. And then they all had details. Some genius in Duluth PD took a photograph of Elise Nichols' body with his cell phone, shared it with his friends, and then Freddy Lounds posted it on Tattlecrime.com. Will: Tasteless. Hannibal: Do you have trouble with taste? Will: My thoughts are often not tasty. Hannibal: Nor mine. No effective barriers. Will: I build forts. Hannibal: Associations come quickly. Will: So do forts. Hannibal: Not fond of eye contact, are you? Will: Eyes are distracting you see too much, you don't see enough. And-And it's hard to focus when you're thinking, um, "Oh, those whites are really white", or, "He must have hepatitis", or, "Oh, is that a burst "vein?" So, yeah, I try to avoid eyes whenever possible. Jack? Jack: Yes? Hannibal: I imagine what you see and learn touches everything else in your mind. Your values and decency are present yet shocked at your associations, appalled at your dreams. No forts in the bone arena of your skull for things you love. Will: Whose profile are you working on? Whose profile is he working on? Hannibal: I'm sorry, Will. Observing is what we do. I can't shut mine off any more than you can shut yours off. Will: Please, don't psychoanalyze me. You won't like me when I'm psychoanalyzed. Jack: Will. Will: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go give a lecture on psychoanalyzing. Jack: Maybe we shouldn't poke him like that, Doctor. Perhaps a less, uh, direct approach. Hannibal: What he has is pure empathy. He can assume your point of view, or mine, and maybe some other points of view that scare him. It's an uncomfortable gift, Jack. Jack: Hum. Hannibal: Perception's a tool that's pointed on both ends. This cannibal you have him getting to know I think I can help good Will see his face. Jack: Stag head was reported stolen last night, about a mile from here. Will: Just the head? Jack: Minneapolis Homicide's already made a statement. They're calling him the Minnesota Shrike. Will: Like the bird? Jimmy: Shrike's a perching bird. Impales mice and lizards on thorny branches and barbed wire. Rips their organs right out of their bodies, puts them in a little birdie pantry, and eats them later. Jack: I can't tell whether it's sloppy - or shrewd. Will: He wanted her found this way. It's... it's petulant. I almost feel like he's mocking her. Or he's mocking us. Jack: Where did all his love go? Will: Whoever tucked Elise Nichols into bed didn't paint this picture. Brian: He took her lungs. I'm pretty sure she was alive when he cut 'em out. Will: Our cannibal loves women. He doesn't want to destroy them. He wants to consume them, to keep some part of them inside. This girl's kller thought that she was a pig. Jack: You think this was a copycat? Will: The cannibal who klled Elise Nichols had a place to do it and no interest in in field kabuki. So, he has a house, or two, or a-a cabin something with an antler room. He has a daughter. The same age as the other girls. Same-same hair colour, same eye colour, same height, same weight. She's an only child. She's leaving home. He can't stand the thought of losing her. She's his golden ticket. Jack: What about the copycat? Will: You know, an intelligent psychopath, particularly a sadist, is very hard to catch. There's no traceable motive, there'll be no patterns. He may never kll this way again. Have Dr. Lecter draw up a psychological profile. You seemed very impressed with his opinion. (knocking on door) (blankets shuffling) (footsteps) Hannibal: Good morning, Will. May I come in? Will: Where's Crawford? Hannibal: Deposed in court. The adventure will be yours and mine today. May I come in? Hannibal: I'm very careful about what I put into my body, which means I end up preparing most meals myself. A little protein scramble to start the day. Some eggs, some sausage. Will: Mm, it's delicious. Thank you. Hannibal: My pleasure. Hannibal: I would apologize for my analytical ambush, but I know I will soon be apologizing again and you'll tire of that eventually, so I have to consider using apologies sparingly. Will: Just keep it professional. Hannibal: Or we could socialize, like adults. God forbid we become friendly. Will: I don't find you that interesting. Hannibal: You will. Hannibal: Agent Crawford tells me you have a knack for the monsters. Will: I don't think the Shrike klled that girl in the field. Hannibal: The devil is in the details. What didn't your copycat do to the girl in the field? What gave it away? Will: Everything. It's like he had to show me a negative so that I could see the positive. That crime scene was practically gift-wrapped. Hannibal: The mathematics of human behaviour all those ugly variables. Some bad math with this Shrike fellow, huh? Are you reconstructing his fantasies? Will: Heh. Hannibal: What kind of problems? Does he have? Will: Uh, he has a few. Hannibal: You ever have any problems, Will? Will: No. Hannibal: Of course you don't. You and I are just alike problem-free. Nothing about us to feel horrible about. You know, Will? I think Uncle Jack sees you as a fragile little teacup. The finest China, used for only special guests. Will (laughing): How do you see me? Hannibal: The mongoose I want under the house when the snakes slither by. Finish your breakfast. Will: What are you smiling at? Hannibal: Peeking behind the curtain. I'm just curious how the FBI goes about its business when it's not kicking in doors. Will: You're lucky we're not doing house-to-house interviews. We found a little piece of metal in Elise Nichols' clothes a shred from a pipe threader. Hannibal: There must be hundreds of construction sites all over Minnesota. Will: A certain kind of metal, certain kind of pipe, certain kind of pipe coating, so we're checking all the construction sites that use that kind of pipe. Hannibal: What are we looking for? Will: At this stage, anything really. But mostly, anything peculiar. Woman: Two fellas from the FBI. They goin' through the drawers now. Mm-hmm. Puttin' papers in file boxes. Yes, they are takin' things. No. Well, they didn't say- Yes, they can. What did you say your names were? Will: Jimmyt Jacob Hobbs? Woman: He's one of our pipe threaders. Those are all the resignation letters. Plumbers' Union requires 'em whenever members finish a job. (whispering) I'll call you back. Will: Uh, does Mr. Hobbs have a daughter? Woman: Might have. Will: Eighteen or 19, wind-chafed, uh, plain but pretty. She'd have auburn hair, about this tall. Woman: Maybe. I don't know. I don't keep company with these people. Hannibal: What is it about Jimmyt Jacob Hobbs you find so peculiar? Will: He left a phone number, no address. Hannibal: And therefore he has something to hide? Will: The others all left addresses. Do you have an address for Mr. Hobbs? Will: I got it. Abagail: Hello? Just a second. Dad! It's for you! Mr. Hobbs: Who is this? Abagail: Caller ID said it was blocked. Mr. Hobbs: Hello? Hannibal: Mr. Jimmyt Jacob Hobbs? Mr. Hobbs: Yeah. Hannibal: You don't know me and I suspect we'll never meet. This is a courtesy call. Listen very carefully. Are you listening? Mr. Hobbs: Yes. Hannibal: They know. (birds singing) (rattling) Mrs. Hobbs: Ah ah! Will: Jimmyt Jacob Hobbs! FBI! (girl whimpering) (gn) No, no, no. Mr. Hobbs: See? See? (girl coughing and gasping) Will: No! No! No! Alana: Biting in lesser as*ault and bar fights, child abuse. Emergency room personnel may be very helpful that way. If they have any memories of bad bites, no matter who was bitten or h- Jack: Where's Graham? Alana: You said he wouldn't get too close.	{"type": "series", "show": "Hannibal", "episode": "01x01 - Aperitif"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on Hannibal... You make jumps you can't explain, Will. The evidence explains. Then help me find some evidence. I wouldn't put him out there! Should he get too close, I need you to make sure he's not out there alone. I don't think the Shrike klled that girl in the field. This girl's kller thought that she was a pig. You think this was a copycat? I think I can help good Will, see his face. Hello? They know. (gn) You said he wouldn't get too close. See? (gn) (gn) (knocking) Jack: We're here! (police radio chatter) Will: Could be a permanent installation in your Evil Minds Museum. Jack: Well, what we learn about Garrett Jacob Hobbs will help us catch the next one like him. There's still seven bodies unaccounted for. Will: Yeah, well, he was eating them. Jack: Had to be some parts he wasn't eating. Will: Not necessarily. Jack: All right, what if Hobbs wasn't eating alone? It's a lot of work. Disappearing these girls, butchering them, and then not leaving a shred of anything other than what's in this room. Will: Someone he hunted with. Jack: Someone who is in a coma, who also happened to be someone he hunted with. Will: Abigail Hobbs is a suspect? Jack: We've been conducting house-to-house interviews at the Hobbs residence, and, uh, at this property also. Hobbs spent a lot of time here. Spent a lot of time with his daughter here. She would make the ideal bait, wouldn't she? Will: Hobbs klled alone. Ah... someone else was here. (Applause) Will: Thank you. Please stop that. This is how I caught Garrett Jacob Hobbs. It's his resignation letter. Does anybody see the clue? There isn't one. He wrote a letter, he left a phone number, no address. That's it. Bad bookkeeping and dumb luck. (gasping) Garrett Jacob Hobbs is dad. The question now is how to stop those his story is going to inspire. (projector click) He's already got one admirer. A copycat. Will: Hi. Alana: How are you, Will? Will: Uh, I have no idea. Alana: Um, I didn't want you to be ambushed. Will: This is an ambush? Alana: Ambush is later. Immediately later soon to now. When Jack arrives, consider yourself ambushed. Will: Here's Jack. Jack: How was class? Will: Um, they applauded. It was inappropriate. Jack: Well, the review board would beg to differ. You're up for a commendation. And they've, uh, okayed active return to the field. Alana: The question is, do you want to go back to the field? Jack: I want him back in the field. And I've told the board I'm recommending a psych eval. Will: Are we starting now? Alana: Oh, the session wouldn't be with me. Jack: Hannibal Lecter's a better fit. Your relationship's not personal. But if you are more comfortable with Dr. Bloom- Will: No, I'm not going to be comfortable with anybody inside my head. Alana: You've never klled anyone before, Will. It's a deadly force encounter. It's a lot to digest. Will: I used to work Homicide. Jack: The reason you currently used to work Homicide is because you didn't have the stomach for pulling the trigger. You just pulled the trigger ten times! Will: Wait, so a psych eval isn't a formality? Jack: No, it's so I can get some sleep at night. I asked you to get close to the Hobbs thing. I need to know you didn't get too close. How many nights did you spend in Abigail Hobbs' hospital room, Will? Will: Therapy doesn't work on me. Jack: Therapy doesn't work on you because you won't let it. Will: And because I know all the tricks. Jack: Well, perhaps you need to un-learn some tricks. Alana: Why not have a conversation with Hannibal? He was there. He knows what you went through. Jack: Come on, Will. I need my beauty sleep! Will: What's that? Hannibal: Your psychological evaluation. You are totally functional and more or less sane. Well done. Will: Did you just rubber stamp me? Hannibal: Yes. Jack Crawford may lay his weary head to rest knowing he didn't break you and our conversation can proceed unobstructed by paperwork. Will: Jack thinks that I need therapy. Hannibal: What you need is a way out of dark places when Jack sends you there. Will: Last time he sent me into a dark place, I brought something back. Hannibal: A surrogate daughter? You saved Abigail Hobbs' life. You also orphaned her. That comes with certain emotional obligations, regardless of empathy disorders. Will: You were there. You saved her life too. Do you feel obligated? Hannibal: Yes. I feel a staggering amount of obligation. I feel responsibility. I've fantasized about scenarios where my actions may have allowed a different fate for Abigail Hobbs. Will: Jack thinks Abigail Hobbs helped her dad kll those girls. Hannibal: How does that make you feel? Will: How does it make you feel? Hannibal: I find it vulgar. Will: Me too. Hannibal: And entirely possible. Will: It's not what happened. Hannibal: Jack will ask her when she wakes up, or he'll have one of us ask her. Will: Is this therapy, or a support group? Hannibal: It's whatever you need it to be. And, Will, the mirrors in your mind can reflect the best of yourself, not the worst of someone else. Boy1: What is that? Boy2: I bet it's marijuana. Boy3: Mushrooms. Look, they got tubes to water 'em or something. Boy2: No, it's a marijuana plant. Boy1: That's not marijuana. Beverly: I'm pretty sure firearm accuracy isn't a prerequisite for teaching. Will: Well, I've been in the field before. Beverly: Now you're back in the saddle. Ish. Will: Ish indeed. Took me 10 shts to drop Hobbs. Beverly: Zeller wanted to give you the bllts he pulled out of Hobbs in an acrylic case, but I told him you wouldn't think it was funny. Will: Probably not. Beverly: I suggested one of those clackin' swingin' ball things. Will: That would've been funny. Beverly: You're a Weaver. I took you for an isosceles guy. Will: I have a rotator cuff issue so I have to use the Weaver stance. Beverly: You are tight. Will: I got sab when I was a cop. Beverly: Yeah, I got sab in the third grade with a number two pencil. Thought I was gonna get lead poisoning. Will: Uh, no lead in pencils; It's graphite. Beverly: See if that helps with the recoil. Will: That was better. You come all the way down here to teach me how to sh*t? Beverly: No. Jack sent me down here to find out what you know about gardening. (crow cawing) Jack: So, Lecter gave you the all-clear. Therapy might work on you after all. Will: Therapy is an acquired taste which I have yet to acquire. But, uh, it served your purpose. I'm back in the field. Jack: Local police found tire tracks on a hidden service road and some small animal traps in the surrounding area. Will: He wanted to keep his crop undisturbed. Jack: The only thing missing is the scarecrow. Jimmy: OK, we've got nine bodies, various stages of decay, and as you can see, all very well fertilized. Beverly: He buried them in a high-nutrient compost. He was enthusiastically encouraging decomposition. Brian: They were buried alive with the intention of keeping them that way. I mean, for a little while. Jimmy: : Long enough for the fungus to eat away any distinguishing characteristics. Brian: Line and rebar were used to administer intravenous fluids after they were buried. He was feeding them something. Will: No restraints? Jimmy: Just dirt. Beverly: The other end of the air-supply system comes up over there. It isn't a very considerate clean air solution, which clearly wasn't a priority, 'cause he isn't lazy. Will: No, he's not. Beverly: You find any shitakes? Brian: : No. Jack: Welcome back. Detective: Tell Sam to give me a call, will you? Thank you. Excuse me. Freddie: I'm one of the parents of the explorers who found the bodies. I wanted to thank you for being so good with all the boys. Detective: Those boys were very brave. Freddie: They are good boys. Detective: Yeah. Freddie: You're a local police detective? Detective: Yes ma'am. Freddie: Would it be an imposition to ask a few things? The boys are gonna have questions and I just want to be as honest with them as- Detective: Of course. Freddie: Can you, uh, tell me what that man is doing over there by himself? Detective: He's some kind of special consultant. Works for the FBI. Freddie: Huh. (sound muted) (soft ambient pulse) (Sound returns.) Will: I do not bind his arms or legs as I bury him in a shallow grave. (ventilator pumping) He's alive. But he will never be conscious again. He won't know that he's dying. I don't need him to. This is my design. Detective: I think your family's leaving. Freddie: We drove separately. (muffled gasp) (Will gasping) Will: I need an EMT! (person gasping) Katz: EMT! We need an EMT! Officer Zeller: Don't touch him! Will: This may have been premature. Hannibal: What did you see? Out in the field. Will: Hobbs. Hannibal: An association? Will: A hallucination. I saw him lying there in someone else's grave. Hannibal: Did you tell Jack what you saw? Will: No! Hannibal: It's stress. Not worth reporting. You displaced the victim of another kller's crime with what could arguably be considered your victim. Will: I don't consider Hobbs my victim. Hannibal: What do you consider him? Will: dad? Hannibal: Is it harder imagining the thrill somebody else feels klling, now that you've done it yourself? The arms. Why did he leave them exposed? To hold their hands? To feel the life leaving their bodies? Will: No, that's too esoteric for someone who took the time to bury his victims in a straight line. He's more practical. Hannibal: He was cultivating them. Will: He was keeping them alive. He was feeding them intravenously. Hannibal: But your farmer let his crops die. Save for the one that didn't. Will: Well, and the one that didn't died on the way to the hospital, though they weren't crops; They were the fertilizer. The bodies were covered in fungus. Hannibal: The structure of a fungus mirrors that of the human brain an intricate web of connections. Will: So maybe he admires their ability to connect the way human minds can't. Hannibal: Yours can. Will: (laughs) Yep. Um yeah, not physically. Hannibal: Is that what your farmer is looking for? Some sort of connection? Hannibal: Have a good evening, Will. Hannibal: Miss Kimball? Freddie: Yes. Hannibal: Good evening. Please come in. Freddie: I've, uh, never seen a psychiatrist before. And I am unfortunately thorough, so you're one of three doctors I'm interviewing. It's more or less a bake-off. Hannibal: I'm very supportive of bake-offs. It's important you find someone you're comfortable with. Freddie: I can imagine you as my therapist, which is good. If I can't visualize opening up emotionally, I know it would be a problem. Hannibal: May I ask why now? Freddie: Do you mind if I ask you a few questions first? Hannibal: Of course not. Freddie: I love that you've written so much on social exclusion. Since that's why I'm here, I was wondering- Hannibal: Are you Freddie Lounds? Freddie: Ah... Hannibal: This is unethical, even for a tabloid journalist. Freddie: I am, uh, I am so embarrassed. Hannibal: I'm afraid I must ask for your bag. Freddie: What? Hannibal: Your bag. Please hand it over. I'd rather not take it from you. Thank you. Freddie: I was recording our conversation. Hannibal: Our conversation? Yours and mine? Freddie: Yes. Hannibal: No other conversation? Freddie: No. Hannibal: You were very persistent about your appointment time. How did you know when Will Graham would be here? Freddie: I may have also recorded your session with Will Graham. Hannibal: You didn't answer the question. How did you know? Freddie: I can't answer that question. Hannibal: Come. Sit by me. Delete the conversations you recorded. Doctor-patient confidentiality works both ways. Delete it, please. You've been terribly rude, Miss Lounds. What's to be done about that? [ ♪ J.S. Bach: Cello Suite No.4: Prelude ] Hannibal: Loin, served with a Cumberland sauce of red fruits. Jack: Um, loin. What kind? Hannibal: Pork. Jack: Wonderful. I don't get many opportunities to, uh, eat home-cooked meals. My wife and I both work, and, uh, as hard as I tried not to, I did wind up marrying my mother. Hannibal: Your mother didn't cook? Jack: She did, she did. I only wish she didn't. There was this meal she used to prepare. She liked to call it "oriental noodles". Spaghetti, soy sauce, bouillon cubes, and spam. I was raised thin as a youngster. Hannibal: Well, next time, bring your wife. I'd love to have you both for dinner. Jack: Thank you. Mmm. Lovely. So, why do you think Will Graham... came back to see you? Hannibal: I'm sure he recognizes the necessity of his own support structure if he is to go on supporting you in the field. Jack: Well, I believe that a guy like Will Graham knows exactly what's going on inside of his head, which is why he doesn't want anyone else up there. Hannibal: Are you not accustomed to broken ponies in your sab? Jack: You think Will Graham's a broken pony? Hannibal: I think you think Will is a broken pony. Have you ever lost a pony, Jack? Jack: If you're asking me whether or not I've ever lost someone in the field, the answer is yes. Why? Hannibal: I want to understand why you're so delicate with Will. Because you don't trust him, or because you're afraid of losing another pony? Jack: I've already had my psych eval. Hannibal: Not by me. You've already told me about your mother. Why stop there? Jack: (laughing) Oh, great. All right. Mmm... Will: What were they soaked in? Jimmy: A highly concentrated mixture of hardwoods, shredded newspaper, and pig poop perfect for growing mushrooms and other fungi. Brian: It was not the mushrooms, though. They all died of kidney failure. Beverly: Dextrose in all the catheters. He probably used some kind of dialysis or peristaltic to pump fluids after their circulatory systems broke down. Will: Force-feeding them sugar water? Jimmy: You know who loves sugar water? Mushrooms. They crave it. Brain: Recovering alcoholics. They crave sugar. Uh, don't take that personally, buddy. Jimmy: Oh, I'm not recovering. Brain: Feed sugar to the fungus in your body, the fungus creates alcohol, so it's like friends helping friends, really. Will: It's not just alcoholics who have compromised endocrine systems. They all died of kidney failure? Death by diabetic ketoacidosis. Beverly: Did you know they were diabetics? Brain: We don't know they were diabetics. Will: No, they're all diabetics. He induces a coma and puts them in the ground. Beverly: How is he inducing diabetic comas? Will: Changes their medication. So he's a doctor or a pharmacist or he works somewhere in medical services. Beverly: He buries them, feeds them sugar to keep them alive long enough for the circulatory systems to soak it up. Jimmy: So he can feed the mushrooms! Brian: We dug up his mushroom garden. Will: Yeah, he's gonna want to grow a new one. Ms. Speck: I'm picking up a prescription for Gretchen Speck. Eldon: Gretchen Speck (typing) - Horowitz. Ms. Speck: Oh, it's just Speck. We're divorced. I lost the hyphen, kept the ring. Eldon: Insulin. Ms. Speck: Yes. Eldon: Oh. Oh, it's the wrong one. Just- Ms Speck: Uh-oh. Eldon: No, no, it's OK. Just gonna be one second. There. There you go. Oh, could you sign here please? And that's your correct address? Ms Speck: Yeah. Thank you. Eldon: Thank you. Eldon: Mrs. James. If you could sign here, please? Thank you. Jack: She's the chain's 10th diabetic customer to disappear after filling a prescription for insulin, second to disappear from this exact location. Will: And the other eight? Jack: All over the county. One pharmacist all over the county as well. Will: Floater, huh? Jack: Floater's floating right here. Still logged in at his work station. Everyone please stop what you are doing. Put your hands in the air! Special Agent Jack Crawford. Which one of you is Eldon Stammets? : Eldon was just here. Just now. Will: Is his car still in the parking lot? Jack: His car! Will: Give me your baton. Ugh! (ventilator pumping) She's alive! Jack: EMTs! Now! All right. We know his name, we have his address, we have his car. Jimmy: Jack. We just checked the browser history at Stammets' work station. Jack: Am I gonna wanna hear this? Jimmy: No. And yes, but mostly no. Brian: Freddie Lounds. TattleCrime.com. Beverly: "The FBI isn't just hunting psychopaths, they're headhunting them "too, offering competitive pay and benefits in the hopes of using one demented mind-" Jack: Keep going. Beverly: It's about Will. Jack: Go on. Beverly: "One demented mind to catch" She goes into a lot of detail. Jack: Son of a bitch. Hannibal: You are naughty, Miss Lounds. (knocking on door) Freddie: Who is it? (knocking on door) Who is it? Ah! Brian: : All clear. Freddie: I appreciate the pageantry, Agent Crawford, but you can't arrest me for writing an article. Jack: You entered a federal crime scene without permission. Freddie: Escorted by a detective. Jack: Under false pretence! Freddie: It is as good as permission. Jack: You lied to a police officer. Freddie: You can't arrest me for lying. Jack: You got all that information from a local detective? Friddie: Lots of talk about your man Graham. Not to mention the rivalry of who gets the collar. A local police detective looking for a pissing contest with the FBI might have some insight. Jack: And evidently did. Friddie: Sure did. Jack: You know, the unfortunate timing of your article allowed a mrder to escape. You were in Minnesota. You were in the Shrike's nest. You know how I know? 'Cause you left one of these hairs behind. You contaminated the crime scene. Just like everywhere you go, you contaminate crime scenes. That's obstructing justice. I can indict you for obstructing justice. Friddie: I'd appreciate it if you didn't. Jack: You don't write another word about Will Graham and I won't have to. Brian: You used me. (monitor beeping) (ventilator pumping) (footsteps) Alana: "He and the Grandmother discussed better times.", The old lady said that "in her opinion, Europe was entirely to blame for the way things were now. She said" Will: What are you reading? Alana: Flannery O'Connor. When I was Abigail's age, I was obsessed. I even tried to raise peacocks because she raised peacocks. But they were really stupid birds. Will: You could be reading to a kller. Alana: Innocent until guilty and all that. I'm about to broach the subject of that "Takes One to Know One" article. Will: Oh, that. Did Jack send you? Alana: No, I sent me. Will: I don't think we've ever been alone in a room together, have we? Alana: I haven't noticed. Have we? Not that we're necessarily alone now. Will: Yeah, right. Back to "Jack Crawford's crime gimp". Alana: It certainly creates an image. I don't need to talk about it if you don't. Will: No, no, we can talk about or not talk about whatever you want. Actually, I was I was just enjoying listening to you read. Alana: Abigail Hobbs is a success for you. Will: She doesn't look like a success. Alana: Don't feel sorry for yourself because you saved this girl's life. Will: I don't. I don't feel sorry for myself at all. I feel, um I-I I feel, um good. Detective: Don't know where you got half that information. It wasn't from me. Freddie: I may have made some inferences. Detective: They think I told you all of it. Freddie: They saw you talking to me. Detective: They think it's my fault Stammets escaped. Freddie: I'm sorry I got you fired. Detective: I wasn't fired. I was suspended. Freddie: They're gonna fre you. Jack Crawford will make sure of that. Detective: You- You stir the hornet's nest, and I'm the one who gets stung? Freddie: I can help you get work outside the force, if you want me to. I know people in private security. Detective: Not the first cop you got fired. Freddie: Guarantee you it pays better. Right now, future you is thanking me- Eldon: I read your article. Tell me about Will Graham. Freddie: Hey, Jack. Jack: Miss Lounds? Go ahead and stand down, officer. Miss Lounds, are you all right? Freddie: Where's Will Graham? Jack: We have an eyewitness to the mrder. We don't need Will Graham. Freddie: No, that's not why I'm asking. Jack: Someone find me Will Graham! This is about Will? Freddie: He was talking about people having the same properties of a fungus. Jack: Stammets? Freddie: Thoughts leaping from brain to brain. They mutate, they evolve. Jack: Well, what does he want with Will Graham? Freddie: Someone who understands him. Graham was right. Stammets is looking for connections. Jack: What did you tell him? I need to know what you told Eldon Stammets about Will Graham. Freddie: I told him about the Hobbs girl. Jack: What did you tell him? Freddie: Everything. He wants to help Will Graham connect with Abigail Hobbs. He's gonna bury her. (ding!) Will: Sorry. (ding!) (phone ringing) Hello? - [lt's Jack.] [Are you at the hospital?] Yes, I am. [Stammets knows about Abigail Hobbs.] Where is she? Abigail Hobbs, the girl in 408. Where is she? Nurse: They took her for tests. Will: Who took her? Who took her?! Nurse: I don't know! Will: Hey! (grunting in pain) What were you gonna do to her? Eldon: We all evolved from mycelium. I'm simply reintroducing her to the concept. Will: By burying her alive? Eldon: The journalist said you understood me! Will: I don't. Eldon: Well, you would have. You would have. If you walk through a field of mycelium, they know you are there. They know you are there. The spores reach for you as you walk by. I know who you're reaching for. I know. Abigail Hobbs. And you should have let me plant her. You would have found her in a field, where she was finally able to reach back! Hannibal: When you sht Eldon Stammets, who was it that you saw? Will: I didn't see Hobbs. Hannibal: Then it's not Hobbs' ghost that's haunting you, is it? It's the inevitability of there being a man so bad that klling him felt good. Will: klling Hobbs felt just. Hannibal: Which is why you're here to prove that sprig of zest you feel is from saving Abigail, not from klling her dad. Will: I didn't feel a sprig of zest when I sht Eldon Stammets. Hannibal: You didn't kll Eldon Stammets. Will: I thought about it. I'm still not entirely sure that wasn't my intention pulling the trigger. Hannibal: If your intention was to kll him, it's because you understand why he did the things he did. It's beautiful in its own way giving voice to the unmentionable. Will: I should've stuck to fixing boat motors in Louisiana. Hannibal: A boat engine is a machine, a predictable problem, easy to solve. You fail, there's a paddle. Where was your paddle with Hobbs? Will: You're supposed to be my paddle. Hannibal: I am. It wasn't the act of klling Hobbs that got you down, was it? Did you really feel so bad because klling him felt so good? Will: I liked klling Hobbs. Hannibal: klling must feel good to God too. He does it all the time. And are we not created in his image? Will: That depends who you ask. Hannibal: God's terrific. He dropped a church roof on 34 of his worshippers last Wednesday night in Texas, while they sang a hymn. Will: And did God feel good about that? Hannibal: He felt powerful.	{"type": "series", "show": "Hannibal", "episode": "01x02 - Amuse Bouche"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on Hannibal... Can you tell me what that man is doing over there? He's some kind of special consultant for the FBI. I asked you to get close to the Hobbs thing. I need to know you didn't get too close. What you need is a way out of dark places when Jack sends you there. Last time he sent me into a dark place, I brought something back. A surrogate daughter? Abigail Hobbs is a suspect? She would make the ideal bait. Wouldn't she? Just a second. Dad? It's for you. Hello? They know. (Birds chirping) (Cicadas buzzing) Mr. Hobbs: Easy, Abigail. You should wait for your sht. (gn) (Soft thud) Abigail: Ready? Three, two, one. Abigail: She was so pretty. Mr. Hobbs: She is so pretty. Abigail: Aren't deer supposed to be complex, emotional creatures? Mr. Hobbs: Yeah... Abigail: I read they're like the equivalent of a four-year-old human. Mr. Hobbs: They're smarter than a four-year-old. Abigail: And they care about each other. They care about their environment. They tread lightly through the underbrush because they don't want to hurt the plants. Mr. Hobbs: They're a lot like us. And we're gonna honor every part of her. Her hide is gonna make a beautiful rug. Her leg bones we can carve into knives. None of her is gonna go to waste. Just like we talked about. Start at the sternum. Keep the blade pointed up. Damage the organs, you ruin the meat. (Blood spilling) Abigail: I don't know how I'm gonna feel about eating her after all this. Mr. Hobbs: Eating her is honoring her. Otherwise, it's it's just mrder. Abigail: Ok. Mr. Hobbs: Nice and easy. Big breath. Good... (Blood spilling) (Monitors beeping) (Muffled whimpering and coughing) (Dog barking) Alana: Morning! Will: Didn't hear you drive up. Alana: Hybrid. Great car for stalking. Will: Um, I'm compelled to go cover myself. Alana: I have brothers. Will: Well, I'll put a robe on just the same. You want a cup of coffee? And more immediately, why are you here? Alana: Yes, and Abigail Hobbs woke up. Will: Well, you know how to bury the lead. Alana: You want me to get you a cup of coffee? Will: No. I want to get my coat. Alana: Let's have a cup of coffee. (Ringing) (Cell phone vibrating) Will: Is he gonna keep calling? Alana: Jack wants you to go see her. Will: And you don't. Alana: Eventually. Jack thinks Abigail was an accomplice to her father's crimes. I don't want to get in the middle of you and Jack, but if I can be helpful to you as a buffer- Will: I-I like you as a buffer. I also like the fact that you rattle Jack. He respects you far too much to yell at you, no matter... how much he wants to. Alana: And I take advantage of that. Will: Abigail Hobbs doesn't have anyone. Alana: You can't be her everyone. When I said what I was going to say in my head, it sounded really insulting, so I'm going to find another way to say it. Will: Say it the insulting way. Alana: Dogs keep a promise a person can't. Will: I'm not collecting another stray. Alana: The first person Abigail talks to about what happened can't be anyone who was there when it happened. So that means no Dr. Lecter either. Will: Yeah, much less the guy who klled dad. Jack's wrong about Abigail. Alana: Let me reach out to her in my own way. Alana: Hi. I'm Alana Bloom. Abigail: Are... you a doctor? Alana: Not medicine. I'm a psychiatrist. Abigail: What do you specialize in? Alana: Among other things, family trauma. Abigail: I asked the nurses if my parents were dad, and they wouldn't tell me. Said I had to wait for you. Alana: I'm sorry you had to wait. Abigail: I know they're dad. Who buried them? Alana: They haven't been buried. Abigail: Don't you think they should be? Alana: Your mother was cremated per the instructions in her living will. Abigail: (clears her throat) My dad? Alana: Your father is more complicated. Abigail: Because he was crazy? Alana: The nurses said you didn't remember. Abigail: I remember. I just didn't want to talk to them about it. I want to sell the house. I guess it's mine now. I can use the money for college, get an apartment. What are all those? Alana: I brought you some clothes. Thought a change might feel good. I guessed your size, so anything you don't want, leave the tags on, I'll bring it back. And I brought you some music too. Abigail: Your music? Alana: If there isn't anything you like, I've got a stack of iTunes gift cards. I I've got a stack of gift cards. I don't do well redeeming gift cards. Abigail: Probably says something about you. Alana: Probably does. Hannibal: I got seven families waiting. Jack: No, let me rephrase: Demanding that we find whatever's left of their daughters. Abigail Hobbs may be the only person who knows the truth. Alana: You can't ask her right now, Jack. We have to create a safe place for her first or you won't get any answers. Jack: I respect your sympathy for her, Dr. Bloom. I hope one day you'll appreciate my lack of it. Alana: You really think Abigail Hobbs helped her father kll those girls? Jack: I think it's a possibility that needs to be ruled out. If Abigail didn't help her father, maybe she knows who did. Hannibal: How was she when you saw her? Alana: Surprisingly practical. Jack: Suspiciously practical? Hannibal: I would suggest you can be practical without being a mrder. Alana: I think she's hiding something. Hannibal: It may simply be her trauma. Alana: Yeah, it could also be more. She has a penchant for manipulation. Withheld information to gain information. She demonstrated only enough emotions - to prove she had them. Jack: You beginning to appreciate my lack of sympathy? Hannibal: You said it may be more than trauma yet you question her involvement in the mrder the father committed. Alana: What I'm questioning is her state of mind. Jack: I want Will Graham to talk to her. Alana: Jack! Not yet! Jack: You are not Will Graham's psychiatrist, Dr. Bloom. Dr. Lecter is. Will: Garrett Jacob Hobbs the, uh, Minnesota shrike, abducted and mrder eight girls over an eight month period. Each of them had the same hair color, same eye color, same age, same height, same weight as his daughter Abigail. There was a ninth victim who also fit Abigail Hobbs's profile, but Garrett Jacob Hobbs didn't mrder her. The kller who did wanted us to know he wasn't the Minnesota shrike. He was better than that. He is an intelligent psychopath. He is a sadist. He will never kll like this again. So how do we catch him? Hannibal: Giving a lecture on Hobbs's copycat? Jack: Well, we need whatever good minds we can get on this. Will: This copycat is an avid reader of Freddie Lounds and tattlecrime.com. He had intimate knowledge of Garrett Jacob Hobbs's mrder, motives, patterns enough to recreate them and, arguably, elevate them to art. How intimately did he know Garrett Jacob Hobbs? Did he appreciate him from afar or did he engage him? Did he ingratiate himself into Hobbs's life? Did Hobbs know his copycat as he was known? Before Garrett Jacob Hobbs mrder his wife and attempted to do the same to his daughter, he received an untraceable call. I believe the as-yet unidentified caller was our copycat kller. Abigail: So you're not a doctor, a nurse, or a psychiatrist. Freddie: I'm a journalist. I want to tell the truth. Your truth. Sometimes that involves some deception, but know this: I will never lie to you. Abigail: Sounds like something a liar would say. Freddie: If you tell me what you know, I can help you fill in the blanks. Abigail: How about you tell me what you know? Freddie: Your dad was the Minnesota shrike. Your mother wasn't the first person your father klled. He klled eight girls. Eight girls that looked- Abigail: Just like me. Yes. Abigail: Why do they call him the shrike? Freddie: It's a bird that impales its prey, harvests the organs to eat later. He was very sick. Abigail: Does that mean I'm sick too? Freddie: You'll be fighting that perception. Perception is the most important thing in your life right now. Abigail: I don't care what anybody thinks. Freddie: You'd better start caring, Abigail. What you remember, what you tell everyone is going to define the rest of your life. Let me help you. Abigail: How did they catch him? Freddie: A man named Will Graham. Works for the FBI but isn't FBI. He captures insane men because he can think like them. Because he is insane. Will: Would you excuse us, please? Special Agent Will Graham. Freddie: By Special Agent he means not really an agent. He didn't get past the screening process. Too unstable. Hannibal: I really must insist you leave the room. Freddie: If you wanna talk. Will: Abigail, this is Dr. Lecter. Do you remember us? Abigail: I remember you. You klled my dad. Hannibal: You've been in bed for days, Abigail. Why don't we have a walk? Will: I'm sorry we couldn't save your mother. We did everything we could but she was already gone. Abigail: I know. I saw him kll her. He was loving right up until the second he wasn't. Kept telling me he was sorry, to just hold still. He was gonna make it all go away. Will: There was plenty wrong with your father, Abigail, but there's nothing wrong with you. You say he was loving. I believe it. That's what you brought out in him. Abigail: It's not all I brought out in him. I'm gonna be messed up. Aren't I? I'm worried about nightmares. Hannibal: We'll help you with the nightmares. Will: There's no such thing as getting used to what you experienced. It bothers me a lot. I worry about nightmares too. Abigail: So klling somebody, even if you have to do it, it feels that bad? Will: It's the ugliest thing in the world. Abigail: I wanna go home. Freddie: Special Agent Graham. I never formally introduced myself. I'm Freddie Lounds. Will: Are you trying to salvage this joke from the mouth of madness? Freddie: Please. Let me apologize for my behavior in there. It was sloppy and misguided - and hurtful. Hannibal: Miss Lounds. Now is not the time. Freddie: Look, you and I may have our own reasons for being here, but I also think we both genuinely care about what happens to Abigail Hobbs. Will: You told her I was insane. Freddie: I can undo that. Will: You help Abigail see me as more than her father's kller and I help you with online ad sales? Freddie: I can undo what I said. I can also make it a lot worse. Will: Miss Lounds It's not very smart to piss off a guy who thinks about klling people for a living. Jack: "It isn't very smart to piss off a guy who thinks about klling people for a living." You know what else isn't very smart? You were there with him. And you let those words come out of his mouth. Hannibal: I trust Will to speak for himself. Jack: Evidently you shouldn't. Alana: I'm just happy the story wasn't about Abigail Hobbs. Jack: Well, then it's a victory. (Sighing) So, Abigail Hobbs wants to go home. Let's take her home. Alana: What Abigail wants and what she needs are different things. Taking her out of a controlled environment would be reckless. Jack: You said she was practical. Will: That could just mean she has a dissociative disorder. Alana: You take her home, she may experience intense emotions, respond aggressively, or re-enact some aspect of the traumatic event without even realizing it. Jack: Where do you weigh in on this, doctor? Hannibal: Dr. Bloom is right. But there is a scenario where revisiting the trauma event could help Abigail heal and actually prevent denial. Jack: Then we have a difference of opinion. Therefore, I am going to choose the opinion that best serves my agenda. I need to know if you're right about the copycat, Will. Alana: We have no way of knowing what's waiting for her when she goes home. Freddie: Thanks again for meeting with me. I know this hasn't been easy for you. Nicholas: Oh yeah? How would you know? Freddie: I've been writing about Garrettt Jacob Hobbs. I've spoken to the relatives of some of his other victims. Nicholas: Hobbs is dad. He deserved a lot worse. Him and his whole family. Freddie: There must be some small comfort knowing that justice was served. Nicholas: Comfort? My sister was impaled on a severed stag head, cut down the middle. He pulled out her lungs while she was still breathing. There's no comfort in that. Freddie: I'm sorry. I am. But you have to try not to remember her that way. Nicholas: What do you want from me? Freddie: I just thought you should know Abigail Hobbs came out of her coma. Abigail: This is where my mom died? Will: Yes. Abigail: I was sort of expecting a body outline in chalk or tape. Will: They only do that if you're still alive and taken to the hospital before they finish the crime scene. Abigail: Goodbye, mom. Alana: If you ever wanna go, you just have to say so and we'll go. Abigail: Go where? The hospital? For now? They turned all the pictures around. Alana: Crime scene cleaners will do that. Abigail: They did a really good job. Is that where all my blood was? Will: Yes. Abigail: You do this a lot? Go places and think about klling? Will: Too often. Abigail: So you pretended to be my dad. Will: And people like your dad. Abigail: What did it feel like? To be him? Will: It feels like I'm talking to his shadow suspended on dust. Abigail: No wonder you have nightmares. Will: The attcks on you and your mother were different. They were desperate. Your dad knew he was out of time. Somebody told him we were coming. Abigail: The man on the phone? Will: It was a blocked call. Did you recognize his voice? Abigail: I had never heard it before. Alana: Was there anybody new in your father's life? Someone you met or someone he talked about? Will: Abigail, he may have been contacted by another kller. A copycat. Abigail: Someone who's still out there? Will: Yeah... . Abigail: Can you catch somebody's crazy? Alana: Folie à deux. Abigail: What? Alana: It's a French psychiatric term. Madness shared by two. (Sound of heart beating) Hannibal: One cannot be delusional if the belief in question is accepted as ordinary by others in that person's culture or subculture. Or family. Abigail: My dad didn't seem delusional. He was a perfectionist. Will: Your dad left hardly any evidence. Abigail: Is that why you let me come home? To find evidence? Hannibal: It was one of many considerations. Abigail: Are we gonna re-enact the crime? You be my dad, you be my mom, and you be the man on the phone. Alana: Abigail, we wanted you to come home to help you leave home behind. Abigail: You're not gonna find any of those girls, you know? Will: What makes you say that? Abigail: He would honor every part of them. He used to make plumbing putty out of elk's bones. Whatever bones are left of those girls are probably holding pipes together. Hannibal: Where did he make this putty? Abigail: At the cabin. I can show you tomorrow. Alana: Abigail, there's someone here. Marissa: Hey, Abigail. Marissa: So, uh, does that hurt? Abigail: Sometimes. Marissa: Everybody on the block was on the news. And everyone at school. Such whores. Abigail: Did you talk to the news? Marissa: No. No! My mom doesn't want me talking to you, much less the news. Abigail: Since when do you listen to her? Marissa: Well, clearly I don't. I'm talking to you right now. Everybody thinks you did it, you know? Abigail: So you think I did it? Marissa: I don't think you're the type. Then again, I didn't think your father was the mrder-su1c1de type. Although I guess the hunting could have been a clue. Abigail: Mine or his? Marissa: Both, now that you mention it. I don't think you did it. I do. Marissa: This is private property. Nicholas: You were the bait, right? That's how it worked? You lure them back to daddy for dinner? How'd you trap my sister? Did you chat her up? Marissa: Hey! Piss off! Nicholas: Did you help your old man cut out my sister's lungs while she was still using... (spitting) Abigail: He said he was somebody's brother. Marissa's Mom: Marissa! Come home. Marissa: No! Marissa's Mom: Come home! Marissa: Can you stop being such a bitch? See you later. Abigail: Bye. Will: He's gone. You've never seen him before? Abigail: No. Will: Let's go back to hotel. We will go to the carbin tomorrow. Hannibal: We should report this, yes? Will: Yes. Will: I'm sorry, okay? This will all stop. Abigail: Please. Will: I'm gonna make it all go away. (Screaming) (Alarm beeping) Abigail: He cleaned everything. He said he was afraid of germs, but I guess he was just afraid of getting caught. Will: No one else ever came here with your dad except you. Abigail: He made everything by himself. Glue, butter he sold the pelts on eBay or in town. He'd make pillows. No parts went to waste. Otherwise it was mrder. He was feeding them to us. Wasn't he? Hannibal: It's very likely. Abigail: Before he cut my throat, he told me he klled those girls so he wouldn't have to kll me. Alana: You're not responsible for anything your father did, Abigail. Abigail: If he would've just klled me, none of those other girls would be dad. Alana: We don't know that. Your father- Will: I need ERT at the Hobbs cabin. Alana: Abigail! (screaming) Abigail: Marissa! Will: Do you think she knew the guy down by the stream? Hannibal: Somebody's brother. Will: Not somebody. Abigail said he asked if she helped her dad take his sister's lungs while she was alive. Hannibal: The young woman on the stag head. Will: Cassie Boyle had a brother, Nicholas. But Garrett Jacob Hobbs didn't kll Cassie Boyle. Hannibal: I know. Garrett Jacob Hobbs would've honored every part of her. Jack: You brought Abigail Hobbs back to Minnesota to find out if she was involved in her father's mrder and another girl dies. Will: Yep, scraped his knuckle on her teeth. There's foreign tissue and what could be trace amounts of blood. Jack: You said that this copycat was an intelligent psychopath, Will. That there would be no traceable motive, no pattern. He wouldn't kll again this way. You said it. Will: I may have been wrong about that. Jack: Yes, because Garrett Jacob Hobbs never struck his victims. Why would the copycat do it? Hannibal: I think he was provoked. Nicholas Boyle mrder this girl and his own sister. Jack: With or without Abigail Hobbs? Will: Without. Jack: Well, do you think that Abigail Hobbs knew Nicholas or Cassie Boyle? Will: No. Jack: You don't think she knew them or don't wanna think that she knew them? Will: She said she didn't know them. Jack: (sighs) Dr. Bloom says that Abigail has a penchant for, uh, manipulation. Is she manipulating you, Will? Hannibal: Agent Crawford. Jack: Look, he said he was wrong about the copycat kller. I want to know what else he's wrong about. Will: Whoever klled the girl on the field klled this girl, I'm right about that. He knew exactly how to mount the body. Wound patterns are almost identical to Cassie Boyle. Same design, the same humiliation. Hannibal: Abigail Hobbs is not a kller. But she could be the target of one. Jack: I think it's time that Abigail Hobbs left home permanently. Doctor, would you be good enough to collect Abigail and all of her belongings and escort her out of Minnesota, please? Not you, Will. I want you here. Journalists: Abigail! Abigail! Marissa's Mon: You klled my daughter! Alana: Abigail! Abigail! Marissa's Mom: Why come back here? Why did you come back here? Why come back? Alana: Stay here. Stay here. (Woman sobbing) Freddie: Abigail! Hannibal: Miss Lounds. You're on the wrong side of the police line. Freddie: I've been covering the Minnesota shrike long before you got involved. I wanna help you tell your story. You need me now more than ever. Abigail: I wanna talk to her. Alana: No you don't. Go inside. Freddie: I'm not the only one lurking about the Hobbs house peeking in windows. You really should monitor those police lines more carefully. Hannibal: Have you seen a young man, mid-20s, ginger hair? Unwashed. Freddie: I'll tell you if I saw him if you tell me why it's important. (Sobbing softly) Hobbs: None of her is gonna go to waste. (Whimpering) Nicholas: I just want you to listen to me. I didn't kll that girl, okay? I didn't kll her! Wait! Listen! I didn't! Alana: Abigail? Abigail? Hannibal: She'll be all right. Abigail? Show me what happened. Abigail: He was gonna kll me. Hannibal: Was he? This isn't self-defense, Abigail. You butchered him. Abigail: I didn't. Hannibal: They will see what you did and they'll see you as an accessory to the crimes of your father. Abigail: I wasn't. Hannibal: I can help you, if you ask me to. At great risk to my career and my life. You have a choice. You can tell them you were defending yourself when you gutted this man Or we can hide the body. Alana: No I don't remember anything. Maybe a blur out of the corner of my eye and and then a big fat cut to black. Jack: Well, Nicholas Boyle attcked Abigail, you. Struck Dr. Lecter in the back of the head. Alana: Well, where's Abigail? Will: Lecter took her back to the hotel. Jack: She scratched Nicholas Boyle on his way out the back door. The blood on her hands matches the tissue that we pulled from Marissa Schurr's mouth. Alana: And then what, he he got away? Jack: We'll catch him one way or another. Where you going? Will: I wanna go home. (Creaking sound) Hannibal: Hello, Abigail. Abigail: How did you know it was me? Hannibal: Hospital called. You climbed over the wall. Where else were you to go? Home's no longer an option. Come down from there. Abigail: I don't want to go to sleep. Hannibal: You can't anticipate your dreams. Can't block them, can't repress. Abigail: I didn't honor any part of him so it's just mrder, isn't it? Hannibal: Most would argue self-defense. Abigail: Then why not tell the truth? Hannibal: Most would argue. There would still be those who would say you were taking after your father. Abigail: You're glad I klled him. Hannibal: What would be the alternative? That he klled you? Abigail: I didn't know if he was going to. Hannibal: No, you don't. Abigail: You're the one who called the house. You talked to my dad before what did you say to him? Hannibal: A simple conversation, ascertaining if he was home for an interview. Then why not tell the truth? Abigail: I think you called the house as a serial k*ller. Just like my dad. Hannibal: I'm nothing like your dad. I made a mistake. Something easily misconstrued. Not unlike yourself. Hannibal: I'll keep your secret. Abigail: And I'll keep yours. Hannibal: No more climbing walls, Abigail.	{"type": "series", "show": "Hannibal", "episode": "01x03 - Potage"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on hannibal... Garrett jacob hobbs Didn't kll cassie boyle. I know. Dad? It's for you. I believe the as yet unidentified caller Was our copycat kller. I wanna go home. You do this a lot? Go places and think about klling? Too often. Abigail! (screaming) I didn't kll that girl... This is not self-defence, abigail. You butchered him. You're the one who called the house. If I keep your secret... Then I'll keep yours. Will: Sometimes... at night I leave the lights on in my little house, and... walk across the flat fields and... when I look back from a distance, the house is like a boat on the sea. It's really the only time I feel safe. Hannibal: You stood in the breathing silence of Gareth Jacob Hobbs' home, the very spaces he moved through. Tell me Will... did they speak to you? Will: With noise and clarity. Hannibal: You could sense his madness, like a bloodhound... Will: I tried so hard to know Gareth Jacob Hobbs. To see him. Will: Gareth Jacob Hobbs, FBI! (gn) Will: Past the slides and viles, beyond the lines of the police report, between the pixels of all those printed faces of sad dad girls. Mr. Hobbs: See. Hannibal: How did you feel seeing Marissa Shore, impaled in his antler room? Will: Guilty. Hannibal: Because you couldn't save her. Will: Because I felt like I klled her... I got so close to him. Sometimes... I felt like we were doing the same things at different times of day… like I was eating... or showering or sleeping at the same time he was. Hannibal: Even after he was dad? Will: Even after he was dad. Hannibal: Like… you were becoming him. Will: I know who I am. I'm not Gareth Jacob Hobbs, Dr. Lecter. (sound of heart beating) (heart beating) (inhaling) Will: Table has been set. Family dinner. I wasn't invited. I take my seat at the head of the table. My seat. My place setting next to Mrs. Turner. I am the guest of honor. Nobody has taken a bite of their dinner. If you don't eat your growing foods, you won't get any dessert. No one leaves the table. All afraid to move, even the little ones behave themselves. I brought my own family to this home invasion. Controlling the Turners with thrat of volence thrat that turn to action. (gn) (woman crying) The Turner family is excuted simultaneously. With the exception of Mrs Turner who dies last. This is my design. I sh*t Mrs. Turner. Jack: What do you see Will? Will: Family values. Jack: Whose family values? (he plays a few notes) Jack: Alright, Karen and Roger Turner, childhood sweethearts. Owned a successful real estate business. Pillars of the community, three children. Will: Minus one. Jack: Uh, a son... Jesse, disappeared last year. Last confirmed sighting had him boarding an RV... at a rest stop on Route 47. Possible runaway, probable abduction. Will: Or both. Jack: When misery rains, it pours. Will: False faces in family portraits. Layers and layers of lies, betrayed by... a sad glint in the child's eyes. Jimmy: Norman Rockwell with a bllet. Jack: Alright, any signs of forced entry? Beverly: No broken windows or torn screens. All sealed up tight. Jack: –Yeah, they probably rang the front door. Beverly: I got bllet holes on the upper sections of the wall, and again over here. Jack: Okay. Pull the slugs for ballistics. Beverly: They aren't frangible, shouldn't be a problem. Brian: Elevated termination points match for the scene with these bodies. Angular cranial impact, coupled with… acute exit wounds, conical spray. sht went low to high, probably crouching. Will: When was Jesse abducted? Jack: Uh, a little over a year ago. Abigail: I can hide what happened to me. All I need is a scarf to pass. Alana: Hiding what happened to you defeats the purpose of being here. Sharing will help normalize. Abigail: I'm not normal... not anymore. Alana: What happened to you was abnormal Abigail: Some of these women aren't even sharing. They speak in “little girl voices”, telling everyone what was done to them without saying a word about it. Alana: Certain traumas can arrest vocal development. And victims can sometimes broadcast victimhood involuntarily. Abigail: Not me. Alana: That's not necessarily true. Your victimhood has a high profile. Abigail: Celebrity victim. Someone here asked me if I kept my stained clothes. How did that make you feel? Alana: Like I wanted to go home. Abigail: But I don't have a home anymore, do I? Alana: You will. You will, I'll help you find it. Abigail, I'd like you to give the support group another chance. Abigail: Support groups are sucking the life out of me. Alana: Well, isolation can suck just as much. You have to find someone to relate to in this experience. (classical music playing) (knock on door) Alana: Hi. Hannibal: Do you have an appointment? Alana: Do you have a beer? Hannibal: Interesting day with Abigail? Alana: Yeah, with grief work. Trauma, intervention. It's all on course. I think she might be wrestling with a low grade depression. Hannibal: She? Alana: Nothing wrong with a little self medication... right, Doctor? Professional neutrality be damned. It's so hard to watch a bright young girl go so adrift. Hannibal: Perhaps it's time Abigail is released from clinical treatment. Alana: Released where? Back into the wild? Hannibal: Spending each day immersed in tragedy may be doing more harm than good. She should be out in the world. Finding her footing, giving her the confidence to move forward. Alana: Abigail is in no condition to tackle her real world issues. Where's she gonna live? Hannibal: I'm not suggesting abandonment. Alana: Hannibal, this is a girl who was very attached to her parents. You stepping in as a surrogate, would only be a crutch. I think Abigail needs to figure things out for herself in a safe... clinical environment. And that will give her the confidence to move forward. Hannibal: I defer to the passion of my esteemed colleague. Passion's good. Gets blood pumping. Brian: I'm glad we didn't have gn in my house. Would have sht my sisters just to get them out of the bathroom. Beverly: I liked having a big family. Jimmy: My parents gave me a gift, a twin. Who wouldn't want two of me? Brian: Let me guess... only child. Will: Why do you say that? Brian: Because family friction is usually a catalyst for personality development. Beverly: I was the oldest so... all the friction rolled downhill. Jack: Yes, all the intention and responsibility is heaved on firstborn children. Prepares them for... success in the future. Beverly: My baby sister got away with mrder. She had them all fooled. Jimmy: I thought middles were the problem. Brian: Middle's the sweet spot. Will: Always trying to figure out where they fit in? They can be great... politicians. Or lousy ones. Jack: All the victims have defensive wounds except for Mrs. Turner. Will: There's forgiveness. Jack: What kind of victim forgives their kller at the moment of death? Will: A mother. Hannibal: Tell me about your mother. Will: Some lazy psychiatry, Doctor Lecter. Low hanging fruit. Hannibal: I suspect that fruit is on a high branch. Very difficult to reach. Will: So is my mother. Never knew her. Hannibal: An interesting place to start. Will: Tell me about your mother. Let's start there. Hannibal: Both my parents died when I was very young. The proverbial orphan until I was adopted by my Uncle Robertos when I was 16. Will: You have orphan in common with Abigail Hobbs. Hannibal: I think you'll discover that you and I have a great deal in common with Abigail. She's already demonstrated an aptitude for the psychological. Will: There's something so foreign about family... like an ill-fitting suit. I never connected to the concept. Hannibal: You created a family for yourself. Will: I've only connected a family of strays, and thank you for feeding them while I was away. Hannibal: I was referring to Abigail. Tell me about the Turner family, were they affluent, well to do? They lived like they had money. Hannibal: Did your family have money, Will? Will: We were poor. I followed my father from the boatyards of… Biloxi and Greenville, to lakeboats on Eerie. Hannibal: Always the new boy at school, always the stranger. Will: Always. Hannibal: What grudge was Mrs. Turner's kller harboring against her? Will: Motherhood. Hannibal: Not motherhood. A perversion of it. Hannibal: A modified Boudin Noir from Ali Bab's Gastronomie Pratique. You promised to deliver your wife to my dinner table. Jack: Well we'll have to polish up our act, we can't have you diagnosing our marital problems all in one fell swoop. What am I about to put in my mouth? Hannibal: Rabbit. Jack: He should have hopped faster. Hannibal: Yes, he should have. (screaming) But, fortunately for us, he did not. Jack: –Mmm mmm. Our friend Will seems haunted today. Hannibal: We don't know what nightmares lie coiled beneath Will's pillow. Jack: Children klling other children is... not that unfamiliar a notion to Will. Hannibal: He still suspects Abigail Hobbs in her father's crimes. Jack: Perhaps the nightmare under Will's pillow... is that he was wrong about her. Hannibal: Children transport us to our childhoods. Will may feel the tug of life before the FBI, before you. Simpler times in boatyards with dad. That life is an anchor streamed behind him in heavy weather. He needs an anchor, Jack. Beverly: One pair of size 6 sneakers from the Turner house. The tread on left indicates uneven leg length. Brian: Is that unusual? Hmm, not in a 12 year old. Growth plates all out of whack. Got one foot that's bigger, one leg that's longer, puberty in full effect. Beverly: How did Jesse Turner turn out? No one has seen him in over a year. Brian: I extrapolated the present height and weight from abduction stats. Even with the usual growth spurts between eleven and twelve, he'd be four and a half feet, eighty pounds tops. Jimmy: God's gift to trace analysts. Greasy fingerprints all over these things. No matches but they're gorgeous. Beverly: Isolated seven pairs of shoe prints. Filtered out the Turners' including Jesse's, so we're down to three unsubs, sneakers are sizes seven three and a half, and a boy's eleven. Brian: The lost boy's. Jimmy: I think I found one of them. Will: Most of the time in sexual asault, the bite mark has a livid spot at the center, a "suck bruise". In some cases it does not. For some Kllers biting may be a fighting pattern, as much as a sexual behavior. Jack: Ok, class dismissed. Everyone out! What did I just say?! Let's go! Will: You're making it difficult to provide an education, Jack. Jack: We found a match to a set of prints we pulled from the Turner home. They belong to a thirteen year old boy from Reston, Virginia. His name is Connor Frist. Will: Another kid? Jack: Another missing kid. Vanished ten months ago, case was never solved. Will: How many kids in the Frist family? Jack: Three, just like the Turner family. We're ready to go when you are, and you're ready to go now. So, let's go. Will: You're expecting a crime scene. Jack: Yes, I am. (festive music) ♪ there is no christmas ♪ ♪ like a home christmas ♪ ♪ with your dad and mom and sis and brother there ♪ ♪ with their hearts humming ♪ (coughing) ♪ at your homecoming ♪ (coughing) ♪ and that merry yuletide spirit in the air ♪ Jack: Mr. Frist and the children klled first, saving Mrs. Frist for last. Same as the Turners. Will: Not exactly the same. Something went wrong. Beverly: Not a single present under the tree for Mrs. Frist. Will: He took her presents, he took her motherhood. Brian: sh*ting her once wasn't enough. The first bllet, travels beneath her scalp... to its final resting place, base of her neck. Jack: And it still didn't kll her. Beverly: Hydrostatic shock of shell hitting skull would have caused brain damage. Will: Her body went into convulsions. Brian: He sht her again. Put her out of her misery, different gn. Jimmy: So, someone else sht Connor's mom. Jack: So who is our additional corpse in the fireplace? Will: I'd say Connor Frist. He'd been prepped to sh*t his mother, not watch her suffer. Jack: Connor couldn't put his panic back in the bottle. So he got sht too. Will: Whoever sht him... disowned him. C.J.: Don't be sad about Connor. Kidnapper: I guess I couldn't make him understand. The family you're born into isn't really family. Cause they're just people you didn't choose. You have to make family, that's what we're doing, we're making our family. Christopher: What happened to your family? C.J.: We're her family. Christopher: I meant... your other family. Kidnapper: The family you think is family, is just a stepping stone to real family. Are you feeling ok, sweetie pie? C.J.: He's fine. Kidnapper: C.J.. You should be excited to go home. Even if it is to say goodbye, 'cause we're your family now, Christopher. You can only have one family. Beverly: Ever heard of Willard Wigan? He's this artist that does micro sculptures. Like, putting the Obamas in the eye of a needle. He's so focused that he can work between beats of his heart. I guess archers do the same thing, right? Will: Hmm? Beverly: What are you looking at? Will: Both these kids are small, underweight for their age. Beverly: You think there's a connection? Will: I'm thinking possible ADHD diagnosis for both boys. Ritalin, Focalin, any medication containing Methylphenidate can affect appetite and slow long-term growth in kids. Beverly: Another thing about Willard Wigan... he had a lonely childhood. He used his tiny sculptures as an escape. Will: Who's Willard Wigan? Beverly: Price got a ht on the ballistics matching program he's been running on the two family mrder. The bllet that put Mrs Frist out of her misery matches three used in a mrder in Bangor, Maine a year ago. Mother of a thirteen year old boy sht to death with her own gn. Will: Thirteen year old milk carton material. Jack: C.J. Lincoln disappeared six months before his mother's mrder. He hasn't been seen since. Will: He has none of the characteristics of a sadist or a sociopath. Jack: Right, no shoplifting, no malicious destruction of property. No asault, no battery. He was kind to animals, for God's sake. Will: Firearm says we are looking at Peter Pan to our lost boys. Jack: But it takes a sophisticated level of manipulation to convince young boys to kll their families in cold blood. Will: Kindness to animals doesn't suggest that particular kind of sophistication. Jack: Well, he's older, he's been out in the world. Maybe he picked up a few things. Kidnapper: There you go. Thank you so much. Oh honey... Oh jeez! Are you feeling okat, honey? You have a fever? You don't feel warm. Assistant: Here you go, ma'am. Kidnapper: Oh thank you. He hasn't done this before. I'll pay for the napkins. Assistant: Don't worry about it. Kidnapper: Oh honey, oh gee, whiz... I'm so embarrassed. But you shouldn't feel embarrassed, this happens with little bladders, right? Right? Hannibal: Good evening, Will. Please come in. Has Christmas come early? Or late? Will: Was for Abigail. Hannibal: Was? Will: I thought better of it, I wasn't thinking straight, I was upset when I bought it. Maybe still am. Hannibal: What is it? Will: A magnifying glass. Fly tying gear. Hannibal: Teaching her how to fish. Her father taught her how to hunt. Will: That's why I thought better of it. Hannibal: Pretty paternal, Will. Will: Aren't you? Hannibal: Yes. Our good friend Doctor Bloom has advised against taking too personal an interest in Abigail's welfare. Tell me why are you so angry? Will: I'm angry about those boys, I'm angry because I know when I find them, I can't help them. I can't, I can't give them back what they just gave away. Hannibal: Family. Will: Yeah. We call them "The lost boys". Hannibal: Abigail's lost too. And perhaps it's our responsibility... yours and mine to help her find her way. Abigail: I don't think I'm allowed to leave, after I climb the fence. Hannibal: I've made arrangements. You could say I'm... one of your guardians. Abigail: Where are we going? Hannibal: Home. My home. I thought you might enjoy if I cooked for you. I'll have you back before bedtime. Abigail: Can't I spend the night? I don't like sleeping here, I have bad dreams. Hannibal: You have to sleep in your own bed. Abigail: This isn't my bed. Hannibal: Tell me about your bad dreams. Abigail: I had one where... Marissa was sending me picture texts. Like crime scene photos of Nicholas Boyle. Gutted. Hannibal: How you left him. Abigail: Even though she's dad, I'm afraid that Marissa's gonna tell everyone I klled him and they'll think I'm just like my dad. Sorry. Can't really talk about this, in group. Hannibal: You don't have that luxury, Abigail. Abigail: I just have to get used to lying. Hannibal: You only have to lie about one thing. And when you're with me you don't have to lie about anything. Abigail: In the dream I wonder how I could live with myself. Knowing what I did. Hannibal: And when you're awake? Abigail: When I'm awake, I know I can live with myself. And I'll just get used to what I did. Does that make me a sociopath? Hannibal: No. It makes you a survivor. Hannibal: It's important to know when it's time to turn the page. Have you thought about applying for schools? Abigail: My dad klled girls at all the schools I applied to. Hannibal: Perhaps that can wait then. Abigail: I wanna work for the FBI. Hannibal: I would certainly feel safer if you were in the FBI... protecting my interests. Abigail: They wouldn't let me though, would they? Because of what my dad did. Hannibal: Only if they believe that's in your nature too. Abigail: Nature versus nurture. Hannibal: You're not your father's daughter, not anymore. What if it weren't so painful anymore, to think of him? Abigail: My dad? Hannibal: Yes. Have you ever tried Psilocybin? Abigail: Mushrooms? That's what's in the tea? Hannibal: Yes. There are those psychiatrists who believe that altered states could be used to access traumatic memories. Abigail: I have all the access to traumatic memories I need. Unlimited access. Hannibal: Which is why we need to supplement them with positive associations. No more bad dreams, Abigail. Abigail: You want me to do drugs? Hannibal: I want you to do this drug. With my supervision it's quite safe. Do you trust me? Jack: Bangor, Maine. Stamford, Connecticut, and recently Reston, Virginia. Jimmy: This places each of the mrder approximately five hundred miles from the one before it. Jack: Right. Brian: You're trying to establish a geographical pattern, when the mrder were weeks apart. Will: Other patterns too. Our sht are minors middle children from traditional affluent families. Jack: We know they're moving South, so that means we wanna cover the border of North Carolina and Georgia. We need to get files on every missing boy within two hundred miles of North Carolina. Will: There's a pattern, less to do with geography than psychology. Jack: What kind of kid does this? Will: And what kind of kid follows a kid who does this? Jack: There's no indication that these kids came from abusive families. Will: No, no, no. Capture bonding. A passive psychological response to a new master has been an essential survival tool for a million years. Bond with your captor, you survive. You don't... you're breakfast. Mr. Hobbs: Just like we talked about. Abigail: Doctor Bloom said this was OK. Hannibal: Not at all, we often have a difference of opinion. Abigail: More secrets for us. Hannibal: Well. You and I will have many secrets. Infusing Psilosybin into the bloodstream before psychotherapy... can illicit a positive, even spiritual experience for patients. Psychological trauma is an affliction of the powerless. I want to give you your power back. Abigail: I don't feel so good. Hannibal: That feeling will pass. Allow it to wash over you, through you. Let me be your guide. Abigail: You're making breakfast for dinner? Hannibal: High life eggs. A chef in Spain called Muro claimed he invented it in the 19th century. Taste, is not only biochemical... it's also psychological. Abigail: Sausage and eggs was the last meal I was having with my parents. Hannibal: I know. It's also the first meal you're having with me. Beverly: Without the interference of a leader, these kids would never consider violent action. Will: Our missing kid is a boy. A paradox in the midst of a normal family: he's an outsider who doesn't look like one. He'd have a vocation. Something inventive or mechanical. Beverly: Here's one. Family moved from Biloxi to Charleston to Fayetteville in the last three years. He won a junior high award for his work on pretty sophisticated computer circuitry. Alana: Why do you think these kids are susceptible to C.J Lincoln? Will: 'Cause our boy may have a brother, but their ages or their interests keep them apart, so he's a brother without a brother. Alana: Brothers looking for a mother. They're klling the mothers last. Jack: Yeah. Will: It's not just C.J Lincoln. There's an adult with some... formative sway. It's a woman, a mother figure I think. And she's looking to form a family. Jack: A family can have a contagion effect on some people. Influences them to adopt... similar behaviors and attitudes. Will: Whoever this woman is, she wants these children..to burst with love for her. But... she has to erase their family to do that. Jack: So she abducts them. Convinces them no one can love them as much as she does, and then makes damn sure of it. Will: A security camera in... a convenient store in Alexandria, Virginia caught footage of one Chris O'Halloran this morning, he was with an unidentified woman. Jack: Where's this kid's parents? Will: Fayetteville, North Carolina. Mrs. O'Halloran: Christopher? Christopher: Hi, mom. Mrs. O'Halloran: Oh, my God! Chris. Mrs. O'Halloran: No, no, no! FBI: Down! Down on the ground right now! Will: Chris, wait. Don't sh*t. It's OK. You're home now, put the gn down, Christopher. Kidnapper: sh*t him, Christopher. Will: Christopher. Please. Christopher: Can I go home now? Jack: Well, I don't think you're gonna go home for a long time. You came here to kll your family, that's all anybody knows. It may be all that anyone ever believes. Christopher: I wasn't gonna do it. Jack: Well, you're gonna have to talk to a lot of people about it. And those people are gonna try and help you understand what you were really trying to do. Christopher: She told me... that they weren't my family... that we had to make our own family. Do you have a family? Jack: I don't have any children, no. Christopher: Then you don't know what it's like. Can I talk to my mom? My real mom. Jack: In a little while. But first I need you to talk to me. Alana: As someone who makes such a big deal about common courtesy, I'm a little taken aback. Slash a lot taken aback, that you would take my patient... my patient! Out of the hospital without my permission. And I'm not a professional scold... but don't put me in this position ever again. Hannibal: I'm sorry. Alana: Rude! Hannibal shockingly rude! Hannibal: You have every right to be upset with me. I overstepped my bounds. Alana: Where is she? Hannibal: She's in the dining room. And, Alana... you were right. Alana: Often am. You have to be more specific. Hannibal: She wasn't ready to leave the hospital, she... experienced a bit of anxiety so I gave her a sedative. Alana: Sedative? What did you give her? Hannibal: I only gave her half a Valium, but she may be a little hazy. Abigail: Hi, Doctor Bloom. Alana: Hello, Abigail. You were expecting me? Hannibal: Please. Abigail: You hungry? Hannibal made breakfast for dinner. Alana: I could eat. Hannibal: What is it? Abigail. What do you see? Abigail: I see family. Jack: Hello. Think it's too late for us to have kids? It is for me.	{"type": "series", "show": "Hannibal", "episode": "01x04 - \u0152uf"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on Heartland: Lou: Where do you think you're gonna put them? Tim: Right there, as soon as I get rid of those old wrecks. Lou: Grandpa's trucks?! No, dad, no way! So this dance at school, you going? Oh, wait, it's a father/daughter dance. I guess that could be problem seeing as you don't have a father. I do so have a father. His name is Peter. Lou: Grandpa, you are back! You know, you were gone a long time! (Sheep bleat) Jack: Lou! Where are my trucks?! (Cell phone rings) Jack: What do you mean you can't get in touch with Stumpy? You're supposed to track down the junkyard he took my trucks to! Tim: Now, Jack, take it easy. Don't get all wound up. Stumpy's at his fishing camp. He's off the grid. There's nothing I can do about that, but I'm trying. Well, you better try harder. (Cell beeps off) Do you believe that guy? Paying Stumpy to tow away my trucks. My trucks! Who does he think he is to make that call? We're gonna find 'em, Jack, okay? We're gonna find 'em. I'm away for a month. A month, that's all. And everything goes to hell in a hand-basket! (Truck rumbles) Lou: Okay, Katie, let's see what we have in the mail right here. We have... (Gasps) something mommy's been waiting for. (Paper rips) (Sighs emotionally) Peter! It's Georgie's adoption notice. It's official. That's great. That's fantastic! Lou: I can't wait to tel her! (Crying happily) (Phoenix's hooves thud in the dirt) (Phoenix snorts) Amy: (Clapping) You cleared those jumps by a mile. That was an awesome run. Do you think I'm ready for the show? Yes, I do. Good boy, Phoenix! Hey, Georgie! I really hope you can come. See ya. Georgie: Jennifer chen is having a sleep-over birthday party, and I'm invited! That's great! No, that's not great, that's awesome! (Chuckles) sh*t, I forgot my jacket. I'll be right back. Okay. Olivia: So Jennifer invited you to her party! Georgie: Yes. Olivia: Well, she invited me too, but I turned it down. Do want to know why? Not really. Only the losers are going, which I guess explains why you got invited. And watching you at the dance... What? Way to make a fool of yourself. I thought I would die laughing. I'd actually like to see that. All the girls were talking about you. You really shouldn't have been there at all. Why? Hello! It was a "father/daughter" dance, and like I told you, everybody knows he's not your real dad. That's just one big fat lie. Speaking of fat, that dress you were wearing? Now I know why you stick to your baggy jeans. (Hard punch) Georgie! (Gasping) (Telephone rings) Oh, telephone. - (Phone beeps on) Hello? Uh, yes, speaking. Hi, Mrs. Wheaton. Hold on, I don't understand what you're saying. No. No, Georgie does not have an anger management problem. Listen, there are always two sides to these things... I'm sorry, she did what? Excuse me? Hello? (Gasps, phone beeps off) Peter! Jack: I'm lookin' for three Chevy trucks that could've been brought in yesterday. One's a 1949 kinda faded out rusty gray. Then there's a '65. It's blue, like powder blue. And two-toned gold '72, and that one's in pretty good shape. I got one matching the description of the powder blue Chevy. What'd I tell you, Jack. Mind you, you might be too late. (Metal crunches, glass shatters) (Crusher whirs) Peter: She punched her in the nose? (Chuckling) I... are you kidding me? Lou: I know, it's terrible, but you have to understand, Peter. Olivia Wheaton is a horrible little girl, like the worst. I can only imagine why Georgie did it. No, I mean I get it, but that's no excuse to punch a kid, right? (Spoon clatters on floor) You punched Caleb. Peter: You can't begin to compare the two. I'm just saying. Peter: Okay, well, we are gonna have to punish her though, right? You do realize that. - Lou: We have to hear her... (Spoon clatters) But we have to hear her side of things. Honey... Yes, we will hear her side of things, but that does not change the fact that she did it and there are consequences. (Spoon clatters) Okay. See? All gone. It's not a game. Now Georgie, like Katie, is gonna have learn what's acceptable and not acceptable just like Katie... (Katie starts crying) I'm sorry, honey. Katie: (Crying) Lou: It's okay. (Small kiss) (Truck rumbles) (Engine turns off) Jack: Yeah, we found one of 'em. Tim: Hey, that's great. Right out of the crusher, flat as a pancake! Oh. Okay, not so great. Well, I got a line on one of Stumpy's friends. He might have told him where he took them. Well, get on it. (Phone beeps off) Ty: We must have taken a wrong turn. There's supposed to be another dealer right around here. Well, there isn't. Ty: We could have passed it. We should turn around. Jack: Ah, let's just forget about it. Ty: Hey, come on, Jack, we're close. We're gonna find 'em. I can feel it. Find what? Another sardine tin? God this coffee is awful. Ty: Hold on a second, all right? (Car door opens) Jack: Where you goin'? (Car door shuts) Ty: Looks kind of abandoned. Jack it looks like hell. It could be fixed up. Should be torn down. Come on, let's go. Why the interest? I don't know, I'm thinkin'... Amy and me, you know, down the road. Way down the road, I hope. You got your head in the clouds, Ty. You're dreamin' if you think you can afford even a dump like this while you're goin' to school. That's kinda harsh. (Door opens) Lou: (Sighs) I got a call from Olivia's Wheaton's mother. Amy: I've got a client coming so I'm gonna run. Look, I'm sorry. You're sorry? Honey, what were you thinking? I couldn't help myself. It just happened! Well, it can't just happen, okay? You're gonna have to learn to stop and think before you act, and you're gonna have a lot of time to do that because you're grounded until further notice. What?! I can't be grounded! I have the Spring Classic show to go to! No. Well, now you don't. And I have Jennifer Chen's birthday party! I got invited and this is the first time I've ever been invited to anything! Peter: I'm sorry, honey, grounded means grounded. Honey, come on... (Door bangs shut) The Spring Classic? She's been training for months! I know, I know. Just let her think about it for a little bit, okay? Okay. (Truck rumbles) Amy: Hi. Tricia: Hey. Dr. Verani, Amy. Please, call me Tricia. Okay, well, I understand you're here to see some horses. I am. All right, follow me. We've got a few to choose from. You know, I'm so excited. This is like... fulfilling a childhood dream. (Chuckles) I bought the acreage and a pickup truck and now I want the horse. (Telephone rings) (Phone beeps on) Hello? Uh, no, I'm sorry, he's not available. May I take a message? Oh. Really. Yes, I will pass on the message. Thank you. Thank you. (Phone beeps off) Tricia: You know, I always pictured having a two-tone horse, but he's quite something, isn't he? I think you two are really gonna get along. Amy, can I ask you something? Hi. Amy: Sorry, this is my sister, Lou. Lou, Dr. Verani. Tricia: Hi. Tricia. Hi. Sorry to interrupt. Um, do you know where grandpa is? Yeah, he left with Ty to go look for his trucks. He's supposed to be at a doctor's appointment in Calgary, and he knew about it. I reminded him yesterday. - Our grandpa, he... (Truck rumbles) He had heart attck a few months ago and he's been missing his follow-ups. Sometimes seniors can be a bit forgetful. Yeah, right. (Truck rumbles) Can we talk? About what? About your doctor's appointment? Oh. I've had enough of doctors, Lou. They're all quacks. What can I say? Some doctors are. (Truck rumbles) He's not so senior, is he? (Chuckles) Lou: Why didn't you go? And apparently you missed your last appointment too. You know, the one where you said everything checked out fine. I've had it up to here with the medical profession. And you know how much gas it takes to drive all the way to Calgary? Okay, well, if you don't want to drive all the way to Calgary, at least go see Doctor Gill in Hudson. I called Dr. Gill and guess what? He's retired, and I'm not about to go see some 20-something kid who's been a doctor for ten minutes! That's the best excuse you can come up with? I'm fine, Lou. There's nothin' wrong with me! Do you believe him? Oh, honey, you gotta let that go. You know the more you pressure Jack to do something the more he's gonna do the exact opposite. I think I have an idea. Peter: Hey, Lou? (Sighs heavily) Tricia you were right, you know. He's super. He's just so responsive. Amy: You guys were awesome together. Tricia: (Laughs) So maybe you could give me some riding lessons before I actually take him home. Amy you know, I really would love too, but I'm so busy these days, but, you know, I can definitely find someone to do it for you. That'd be great. Lou: You were looking good out there. Tricia: Well, that horse is making me look good. Lou: (Chuckles) So, um, you're new in town? Yeah, just packed it up and moved to the country. Wow! And what do you do? I mean, you're a doctor. A medical doctor? Yeah, I used to work at Toronto General. Lou: Wow! Great. Yeah, but I... realized I didn't have much of a life anymore, you know? Too hectic. Yeah, I know hectic. I used to work in New York. Well, this was always my dream, taking over a practice in a small town. You know, seeing as you're new in town, you should join us for dinner tonight. Now that's country hospitality! I... I... I would love to. Great. Around 7:00. All right, we'll see you then. Lou: We'll see you then. Take care. Okay. So that was awfully nice of you to invite Tricia for dinner. Yeah. Any particular reason why? Just country hospitality. Peter: Hey, there you are. I've been lookin' all over for ya. Want to tell me what happened? Georgie: You're going to be mad. Well, I promise to listen, how's that? Look, I know I shouldn't have punched Olivia, but she said some really mean things, like really mean, and it made me crazy. What did she say? Georgie? She, she said that you're not my real father. You know, in business, when two people can't agree on something, they get together and mediate, they talk it through, get to the root of the problem so they can consolidate and move forward. You need to talk to Olivia. Peter, I really don't want to. I know you don't, but it's the right thing to do. Tim: I don't understand why Jack's all bent out of shape. I mean, those trucks, they were dangerous. They were falling apart. Dad, I can cut the carrots, okay? I want them lengthwise, not just chopped. I'm just trying to help. Okay, thank you. Yeah, and the next thing you know one of the kids, Katie or Georgie's gonna fall, they're gonna hurt themselves, they're gonna get blood poisoning or worse. Lou: I don't want to hear it. The last thing grandpa needed was something to put his blood pressure through the roof. (Door opens and shuts) Jack: What are you doing hanging around here? Better yet, why aren't you out lookin' for my trucks? Lou: See? Tim: Jack... You understand why I did what I did, right? To make room for the sheep pen. Don't talk to me about sheep. And who's this person comin' for dinner tonight? I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone, especially someone I've never met. Grandpa, she's a new client and Lou invited her. Speaking of which, dad, I was hoping maybe you could help me out with something. See, Tricia just moved from the city and she needs some riding lessons, and I'm so busy I just thought... Oh, and I'm not? (Knocking at door) I mean, there's enough riding sab around here she can go to. Jack: Lou... Amy: Yes, except the horse that she's buying is from me, so I thought she could get lessons on that one. Well, don't look at me, Amy, I mean, I got enough on my plate. I can't be bothered teaching some city girl how to sit on a horse. Lou: Um, everyone, Tricia. Jack: Uh, hi, again. Tim: Tricia, is it? Tricia: Yeah. Tim: Tim Fleming. Tricia: Hi. Tim: I'm the father of the girls. I'll be teaching you to ride. Come on in. Actually, I taught the girls probably everything they know about riding. Tricia: So you're liking vet school? Ty: Absolutely. It's kind of a rough schedule. I'm also working at a clinic in Hudson. Amy: In all his spare time. Ty: Yeah. Tricia: You gonna practice here? Ty: Uh, yeah, um... Amy and I might start something in the future together, so... Tricia: That's fantastic! Ty: Yeah. How is it moving out here into the country? So far, I love it. The outdoors, those crazy mountains. You're a brave woman for making such a big change. What brought that about? Tricia: Well, I guess I needed a change, you know? It was time for me to move onto something new. Not new... I'm still doing what I did, just in a new place. Jack: So what is that? What do you do? I'm a doctor. Really. Took over a practice in Hudson. You know Dr. Gill? He's retired. A doctor. You don't say. So please, feel free to call me if there's anything you need. I mean, I'm even planning on bringing back the lost art of the house call. Lou: That's fantastic. Ty: Cool. Jack: Lou? Lou: Mmm-hmm? Would you mind helping me with the coffee? Sure. (Quietly) You tried to pull one over on me! (Quietly) No, I didn't, I was... So what did you do, Lou? Did ya share my entire medical history with this woman? No. I told you, Lou, I don't want a doctor. I don't need a doctor. This could be a great arrangement! Okay, she's smart, you obviously like her, she even does house calls! Lou... Grandpa. Come on, you have to start taking care of yourself. I mean, you just had a... Heart attck. I had a heart attck. Why can you say that? I'm not dad yet. Stop obsessing about this. Besides, you got enough problems of your own. Like what? Well, like why is Georgie sitting in her room right now staring at the walls instead of coming for dinner with us? What's going on there? She... Ooh, ooh, what is it? What's wrong? (Grunts) This coffee is what is wrong. It was horrible this morning and it's horrible tonight. First I had to dig out my old coffee maker, now you're messin' with the beans. It's decaf, okay? Caffeine is bad for you. What is it now? Grandpa? Grandpa?! Tricia, can you come, please?! Grandpa?! Tricia: I've got my bag in the truck. Tim: Here, I'll get it, I'll get it! Lou: Grandpa, look at me! Tricia: Let me look at him. Let's open that up for him. This is all your fault. How is this my fault? Lou: If you hadn't had those trucks towed away, none of this would have happened! I told you how grandpa would react! And you driving him all around the countryside looking for them when he should've been at his doctor's appointment! Relax Lou, I didn't know he had an appointment, okay? You know, maybe you shouldn't have been treating him like an invalid. He hates that. What? Tricia: Okay, there's nothing to worry about. It was just an attck of indigestion. (Relieved sigh) It can seem like it's heart related, but it wasn't. His heart is fine. I've given him an antacid. Lou: Thank you. I should go. Thank you for a lovely dinner. I'll walk you to the car. Give me your bag. Tricia: Thanks. Um, thank you for your help. Oh. (Emotional sighs) I'm just glad I was here. Lou: Yeah. Olivia: Okay. Good night. Lou: Well, when you think about it, you know, if she hadn't been here... If she hadn't have been here, it would have been a lot less stressful. Peter: You okay? Is he all right? Peter: Yeah! Oh, yeah, he's fine. I know you were scared, but don't worry about Jack. He is as strong as an ox. (Chuckles) Look, I'm really sorry about Olivia. I really am, and if you want me to, I'll talk, not that it'll do any good. Peter: You know, I'll tell you something, when I was a kid, I was a real big guy. I was always the biggest one in my class and I was real strong, and that meant that guys were always trying to get me fight them. And most of the time I could just walk away, but this one time, this one guy just pushed my buttons and I snapped. I totally lost it. What happened? I ended up breaking his nose and his arm and it scared the heck outta me, it really did. So now, whenever I'm provoked, I just think about how devastated I was by that and I walk away, or I just try to tell myself a joke or I try to picture the person with carrots stuffed up their nose. Both: (Chuckle) Carrots up Olivia's nose? Love it. Both: (Chuckle) Okay. (Firm kiss) Good night. I know I'm grounded and I know I can't go to Jennifer Chen's party, but please, please, please can I be in the Spring Classic? Let's sleep on it, okay? Yeah. Amy: It was completely crushed? Ty, that's horrible! Fresh out of the compactor, Amy. You should've seen Jack's face. He was so ticked off I thought he was gonna pass out. Yeah, well that explains the heartburn then. We got a few places to check tomorrow, but... Yeah, that's if Lou lets him go. She's gotta stop worrying about him. He's got to get back on the horse and just live life normally. Between her and dad, they're driving him crazy. Well, they're driving me crazy. Ty: Hey... You uh... you ever thought about getting away from all this craziness? Yeah, all the time. You wanna save some time on your schedule for me tomorrow? Sure. Why? I got something to show you. What do you want to show me? Ty: (Whispers) I can't tell you. Amy: Yes, you can! Ty, you can...! You've gotta tell me! Oh my God, honey, I thought for sure he was having another heart attck. But he wasn't. (Sighing) I know, I know. You gotta relax. Why are you so paranoid and worried? I don't know. I can't explain it, but it won't go away. Anyways, thank you for dealing with Georgie. You are so good with her. When do you think we should tell her about that adoption news? Well, let's let this blow over a little bit first. She's gonna go and have a little talk with Olivia tomorrow. Yeah, and I'm gonna go with her, so, we'll see how that goes. (Chuckles) You know, when you try, you can be pretty amazing. Really? Yes. Like, like how amazing? If you had to put a scale... (chuckling) Don't push it. Don't do that. (Laughing and kissing) (Truck rumbles) Ty: Okay, I found the old Chevy; that's the good news. Jack: Yeah. What's the bad news? (Sighs heavily) Ty: Okay, there's still hope for old Goldie. Let's go. Georgie: (Sighs) Hey, Olivia, Peter says we should talk. Who's Peter? Peter: Hi, Olivia. Yeah, I'm... I'm Peter Morris, I'm Georgie's father. I called your mom, actually. Yes, she said you'd called. She also said I don't have to talk to you, so I'm not going to. Peter: Hold on, hold on. You guys need to clear the air, I think, and we're not gonna leave until you do, so... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I punched you. I really am, and I didn't mean to. But you did. You ht me and I was bleeding. Georgie: You said some really mean things and they really hurt me. Why do you hate me? I don't hate you. Well, what is it then? It's just that you're different. How am I different? Olivia: You just are. You're not like the other girls. Georgie: Well, you're not like the other girls either. And Jennifer Chen's party, I found out you weren't invited. I said I was sorry, Olivia, and can't we just... (Sighs heavily) can't we just consolidate and move forward from here? I have to go practice. Peter: Well, I guess you better get to practice too. Georgie: What? Does that mean I'm back in the show?! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm still gonna bat her, though. Peter: What? Georgie: Not with my fist... at the Spring Classic. (Laughing) Tim: Come on. (Clicks his teeth) Okay, want to saddle him up? Tricia: Of course. Tim: There you go. Tricia: Whoa. (Blanket thumps) Okay. Whoa. (Grunts) That's heavy. Let me get that around here. (Breathing hard) Okay, I got it. (Gasps) (Breathing hard) Okay. Okay. You went to horse camp? Two weeks... Yeah? Two summers in a row. Oh. (Grunts) They didn't teach you how to saddle a horse? Well, it was a co-ed camp and there was this boy... A boy who put the saddle on for you. Tricia: Yeah, and many years later in the Dominican Republic... Tim: There was a boy who saddled your horse for ya. Well you're not gonna get off so easy this time, 'cause this boy is gonna make sure you know how to saddle a horse or you don't get any riding lessons at all! Is that right? Do you know what this is? Tricia: Very funny. A bridle. (Truck rumbles) Hey, Jack. You feeling better? Top notch. Good. You know, that's not the right saddle for you. Tim: Yes, it is. Jack: No, it isn't. Jack: There's a smaller one. It's lighter, but it's just as good. It's better for a beginner. Oh, Lisa's saddle. His, his lady friend. Jack: Anyone can use it, Tim. (Cell phone chimes) Can they now? Really. Oh, sh*t, I gotta go. One of my patients just fell off a jungle gym. Mmm, poor kid. Not so much. He's a 35-year-old man who should know better. (Laughs a bit too loudly) Can we take this up tomorrow? You bet! Tricia: Great. Jack. She's funny. Speaking of lady friends, you spoken to Lisa since the... It's none of your business. Well, she was trying to get a hold of you. We talked. Tim: You talked... Jack: Anyway... You'll be pleased to know that I found another one of my trucks. Great! Stripped right to the bone. It's demolished! You owe me big. Tim: Jack? (Coffee splashes in sink) Jack? I'm uh... I'm sorry about the trucks. I am. I'll help you look for old Goldie. No way you're helping me. I know you hate those trucks. To you they're just an eyesore... or a place to keep your stupid sheep... but not to me. That gold truck was an anniversary present from lindy. I know, I know, I know. I've heard the story a 100 times. Well, I know it's hard for you to understand, but it had a special place in my heart, and because of you I'll probably never see it again. Jack... Nothing lasts forever, things change. Yeah. Just look at me and Miranda. Think of how I feel. Sometimes you gotta learn to roll with it. (Truck rumbles) (Engine turns off, door opens and closes) Hey. So? What is it you wanted to show me? You need to see this place. It's abandoned. Not a soul around. You want to explore? Yeah. Let's go. Amy: (Laughing) I love this! This is so cool! Ty: (Laughing) Amy: Come on, let's check out the barn! Ty: Oh yeah! Amy: Come on, I'll race ya! Go! Ty: Honey, I'm home! Amy: Oh. Ty: Oh! Geez! Amy: (Laughs giddily) Hey, wait! You can put your office in there. Or your vet clinic. Ty: Yeah. You know, when I was a kid, I wished I had a place just like this. Amy: Do you think a kid would love this place? Ty: Yeah, absolutely. What's not to love? Amy: Do you want kids? Ty: Do you? Amy: Yeah. Ty: Yeah? Amy: Yeah. Both: (Chuckling) Ty: How many do you want? Amy: Oh, I don't know, two at least. Ty: (Chuckling) Well, let's start with one. Amy: Okay. Boy or girl? Ty: I'll be happy no matter what. Amy: (Laughing) Georgie: Guess what, coach? Amy: What? Georgie: I'm back in the show. Amy: I know. Lou texted me. That's great. You're more than ready. Ty: (Chuckles) Ty: I gotta get going. Amy: You do? Ty: Mmm-hmm. Amy: Okay. Amy: Thank you for a beautiful afternoon. Gross. (Door opens) Ty: Hey, Jack. Jack: Ty... I wanted to thank you for driving all over the countryside with me. No problem. We got a few more places on our list to ht tomorrow. No. No, we don't. What are you talkin' about? Jack: I've decided to give up on trying to find Goldie. Yes, it had a lot of memories for me... good ones... but... Well, I'll always have those, they're not goin' anywhere. Come on, Jack, it could be at the very next yard we look at. We can't give up now. (Chuckling) No, it's okay. There's somethin' else. (Taps bench) I uh... I shouldn't have been so down on you about wanting to buy that property. Of course you need to dream about the future. That's important. Tim said something to me, something reasonable for once. He said that I have to learn to roll with change, and he's right, I do, though it pains me to say. (Chuckles) You know, I could never say this to Lou, but... that heart issue, it scared me, Ty, but at the same time it gave me a new way to look at things. You know that song "Live like you were dyin'"? I know it sounds maudlin, but it ain't so far from the truth. So you... you got to seize the day. You go for it. I'm gonna try, Jack. Thanks. And, uh, I'm not giving up on that truck either. (Chuckling) Lou: You almost ready? For what? Georgie's show! Oh, of course I am! I'm ready when you are. Now look at this. You see that? This, this is the coffee we'll be using from now on. That other decaf stuff, you can throw it out 'cause life is too short. It's way too short. Okay, I'm sorry. No, you know what? I didn't mean it quite like that. You have to stop pretending this didn't happen. You had a heart attck and you may have no trouble saying the words, but I don't think you're taking in what they mean. Aw, Lou, please... Lou: No, no, no, listen to me. You have to take care of yourself not just for yourself, but for the family... (Tearfully) and for me. Do you know that you are the only man I have ever been able to fully depend on. Now that is not true. It is true. You're my rock, grandpa. You are the rock of this whole family (tearfully) And if we ever lost you... Just calm down. Lou, I am fine. I am fine. Don't we have a show to get to? Announcer: Now on the course, number 7, Olivia Wheaton. Spectators: (Clapping) (Hooves thud) Georgie: She's really good. Amy: Yeah, she is, but you see how wide she went on that last jump there? You don't have to go that wide. Cut it closer. You know, save some time. Georgie: Okay. Just stay focused. Breathe and stay nice and calm, okay? I'm scared out of my mind. (Hooves thud) Announcer: Number 7, Olivia Wheaton, 46 seconds! Spectators: (Clapping) Okay. Listen, you and Phoenix are gonna do great, all right? And try to have some fun out there too, huh? Georgie: Okay. Announcer: And now the last rider in this year's Spring Classic: Number 15, Georgina Crawley. (Hooves thud) (Phoenix snorts) (Hooves thud) (Phoenix snorts) (Hooves thud) Spectators: (Clapping) Announcer: Number 15, Georgina Crawley, with the best time of the day: Forty-two seconds! Peter: She won, didn't she? Lou: Yeah! Spectators: (Clapping) Lou: (Whistling) Yeah, Georgie! Peter: Woo! Amy: (Laughing) Great job! You looked awesome. Georgie: Thanks. Thank you. Peter: (Laughing) Awesome! Georgie: (Laughing) Lou: So good, honey! Oh! (Kiss) Georgie: Um, I'll be right back. Lou: Okay. Georgie: Hey. Olivia: Hey. You were a good competitor. Olivia: You should enjoy that ribbon. You won't be winning one again because it's all about the horse, and I can always buy a better horse than you could ever dream of affording. Carrots up her nose, carrots up her nose... Peter: (Chuckling) Georgie: Carrots up her nose... Lou: Carrots up her nose? Georgie: (Laughing) Peter: Forget it. Lou: What's that about? What's that? Georgie: (Laughing) I'm so proud of you. (Laughing) Peter: Come on, get that horse. Let's go. (Door shuts) Relax, this is your decaf. Look, if you want your regular brand, then go for it, okay? I can't stop you. Hey, Lou... I get what you are saying, I do, and I want you to know I'm real aware of what happened to me, but you're right; I need to look after my health. I want to see Amy and Ty get married and Katie and Georgie grow up and... so I've decided I'll start seeing that doctor and not just because you tricked me into it. Thank you. Come here. (Happy exhale) Peter: There we go. Looks good. Both: (Chuckle) You know, I gotta say you handled yourself really well out there and I am pretty darn proud of you. Not just because you won either, you know, because you were the better person when it came to Olivia. And, uh, we have some news for you. The adoption papers arrived. Signed and sealed. Lou: You are now officially our daughter. Georgie: (Emotional exhale) Peter: (Chuckling) How about that?! (Kiss) Come here! Peter and Georgie: (Laughing happily) (Truck rumbles) Ty: Damn. Amy: Yeah. Ah, there'll be other farms. Yeah, I guess. (Chuckles) Amy: Damn. (Laughing) ♪ This room barely alive ♪ ♪ from all the ghosts we have ♪ ♪ I witness in your eyes you may have nothing left ♪ (Tires screech) ♪ What is the meaning of the lies we tell as truth ♪ (Truck whirs in reverse) ♪ One thing I'm certain of ♪ ♪ is that I've little more to lose ♪ (Laughing) ♪ I used to feel us so on fre ♪ ♪ And now I feel heat for the truth ♪ ♪ With every flame of my desire... ♪ Lou: Okay, cheers to Georgie. Amy: Cheers. Lou: Cheers. (Glasses clink) Ty: Cheers. Jack: All right, it is time for the bartlett family stone ritual. Now, my great-great grandfather built this fireplace. Tim: Aw, just pick a stone, honey. We've all heard this story, Jack. Georgie's probably heard it too. Just pick a stone. Georgie: Where's yours, Jack? Jack: Uh, this one right there. And is this one taken? I think it's all yours. Then I declare this stone belongs to: Georgina Crawley Fleming Morris! Lou: Here here! Tim: Wow, that's a mouthful! Others: (Chuckle) Jack: Where's Ty? Why isn't he here? Amy: Actually, he's just out front and he has something to show you. Come on. ♪ How love can teeter on the edges of a blade... ♪ See? Told you you'd get it back. Life's pretty weird. Jack: Well, that it is. Ty: If Amy and I hadn't been looking at that old ranch, never would have found the truck. Is it still for sale? No, it sold. Another time. Thank you. ♪ With every flame of my desire ♪ (Chuckling) ♪ I'm not giving up on you ♪ ♪ I'm not giving up, giving up on you ♪ (Jack laughs, sheep bleats)	{"type": "series", "show": "Heartland", "episode": "07x02 - Living the Moment"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Heartland": Jack: What is that? What do you do? I'm a doctor. Really. You tried to pull one over on me. No, I didn't, I was- So what did you do, Lou? Did you share my entire medical history with this woman? Georgie: Hey, guys. Mallory, look who's here, my brother. Jeff, Mallory. Hey. Hi. You do exist. Cassandra: I'm the one you should be fring. I let Jeremy into the clinic the night Buckingham died. Ty, I'm so sorry. ♪ Man: All right, here we go. ♪ [Coach calls out instructions] ♪ [Hooves thunder] Aren't they incredible? Yeah, even in rehearsal. Thanks for letting me come along, Scott. It's not very often you get an inside look at the musical ride. No problem. I'm pretty excited to work with them myself. Things may be crazy at the clinic, but this is one gig I couldn't pass up. Coach: Heels down, heels down. ♪ [Nervous snort, shrill whinny] Ungh! No, he's gotta get outta there, Ty. You all right, Turner? Yeah, yeah, I think so. What the hell happened this time? I-I'm fine. Lou: Hi. [Deep exhale] Old biddy: Excuse me, miss, I have asked you twice for clean towels. I'm sorry. I'm just a little bit short-staffed, but I will be right with you. [Phone ringing] Heartland equestrian connection, Lou speaking. Nicole, please tell me you are back from New York. Another week? No, I need you now. Mallory is gone, and between the diner and the dude ranch, I am stretched so thin. I did. I put up wanted ads online and, so far, no bites. Older woman: Excuse me! Still waiting. One second. Listen, I have to go, but just get back as soon as you can, okay? Okay, bye. [Sighs] I did not sign up for this. Georgie: You know, this is the last one. Jack: Nothing to worry about. Next couple of days, we're gonna have more hay here than you can shake a stick at. Georgie: Can't wait. Do I get to pitch bales into the wagon? Jack: [Laughs] I don't think so. One of these bales weighs more than you, but you're welcome to come along. You've just got to stay out of the way, that's all. Come on, you have to give me a job. I want to be a part of this. Jack: Job, huh? Okay. You can be the spotter. Spotter? Jack: Yeah, that's the guy that stands back at a distance, makes sure the load is distributed equally. That is so not a real job. Jeff; Hey, squirt! Jeff! Hi. How's it goin'? Scott: He seemed perfectly fine to me. Sgt. Decker: So why do they keep blwing up out there? Wasn't the first time. Scott: I can't say, but it's not physical. Sgt. Decker: What's going on out there, Brian? Brian: Nothing, sir. I don't know. And that was just rehearsal. What are you gonna do during the performance? We'll put it together, sergeant. It's like you're going backwards. The show was supposed to be your debut. We'll be ready, I-I swear. Really? Because I don't see how. Ty: Excuse me, sergeant Decker? Sorry to interrupt. My name is Ty. Amy here, I think, can help you out. She has a really good track record with riders and their horses. Yeah? You think you can help us get these two on the same page? Well, that depends. Every partnership has its own set of issues. I've seen Amy do some incredible things. It'd be worth it to give her a sht. Do you have time? Today even? Yeah, sure. I could work with you two up at the ranch, if that's okay with you? Okay. But if I don't see some big improvement, I'm gonna pull you from the alberta show, got it? Yes, sir. ♪ ♪ ♪ And at the break of day ♪ you sank into your dream ♪ you dreamer ♪ oh, oh, oh... ♪ You dreamer ♪ you dreamer [low hum of chatter, playful laughter] Whoa, whoa. [Car rumbles up] Cassandra? Lou! You work here? You could say that. I own the place. Great. I guess I won't need these. Is that a resume? Uh, yeah, I need a job for the summer and I saw the ad, but... After that whole thing with Ty, you probably won't want me, so... Right. Wait, um... Have you ever done this before? Um... not exactly, but I'm a fast learner. [Glass shatters] Girl: You did that on purpose! It's all your fault! I'm telling! You're hired. Wait, you want me to take care of that? No, mom! Mom! Yeah! And while you're at it, you can turn down the volume on the kid. Well, at the clinic, we'd use a muzzle. Girl: Mom! So how long are you staying? Just a few days. I've got two weeks off so I'm heading down the coast. I'm going to go surfing in Baja. You surf? Jeff: Yeah, that's the plan. But I wanted to stop by and see you first. So what do you want to do? Do you want to go on a trail ride? Yeah, that's still not really my thing. Um... oh, I have an idea. Why don't we go hang out with that friend of yours, um, what's her name? Uh... Mallory. Oh, she's travelling in Europe. Europe? Oh. We could always head down to Lou's dude ranch and pull out the canoe. Wouldn't that be awesome? Uh, yeah, yeah. Totally. Cool. That's a crock of crap and you know it. You could have told me you were going out of town. What's going on? Oh, your father, that's what's going on. He just took off to moose jaw for a week. So? Well, so, I need to bring in that hay. Well, just wait until he gets back. No way. I'm not letting your father set the agenda. What do we feed the horses in the meantime? Grandpa, it's way too big a job to do on your own. Think you can get a day off? I don't know, Jack, work at the clinic's been pretty crazy. Scott's looking for another vet assistant right now. So no you, no Peter, no Caleb... Of course, no Tim. Forget it, I'll figure it out. I was kind of hoping he wouldn't take part in it this year. It's really strenuous work. He seems like he's okay. I guess. You should have seen Phoenix and I. It was like we were flying. It was amazing, and I just knew that Olivia was eating her heart out. Awesome. Man: No, you listen. I signed up for a two-hour trail ride and I'm going. Cassandra: Obviously you didn't read the fine print on the waiver form because there is a weight restriction. My wife's always on me about my weight, I don't need to hear it from you, too. Well... Then, I suggest you make some lifestyle changes and we'd be happy to accommodate you in the future. I just want a horse. Okay, let me see what I can do, okay? Georgie: Hello? [Snaps fingers] Jeff: What? Georgie: Why don't you just go talk to her? Go and talk to who? Come on, you're practically drooling over that cassandra girl. Hey, I bet you need a lifejacket or something if we're gonna go on that canoe. No, I don't. Oh, excuse me, I'm taking a canoe. Taking it? Uh, are you a guest? Uh, no, not exactly. Then you're renting it, buddy. That'll be twenty dollars. But Lou's my mom. No, no, it doesn't matter. She wants twenty? No problem. Here you go, and here's another twenty for your trouble. Really? Isn't there a better way to spend your allowance? Hey, I made that, and a whole lot more up in the oil sands. Doesn't that violate some sort of child labour law or something? And that canoe is totally booked. Oh, burn. Brian: Thanks for taking this on. Amy: No problem. But I should warn you, there's only so much I can do in such little time. I need to be ready for the show. Well, I'll try my best, but... You don't understand. My whole family's coming to watch; My grandfather was in the ride. So you want him to see you carrying on the tradition, I guess? No. Uh, he passed away years ago. It's my grandma. That's how she remembers him - in his red serge, up on a black horse. I just want to ride for her. You will. Now, sergeant Decker was saying that, you know, you two were really good together in the beginning. Yeah, we kicked butt in the recruitment process. So is there anything that could've happened between you that would change that? Uh, not that I can think of. All right, let's start by circling around those blue barrels. Brian: All right. ♪ [Clicks his tongue] Amy: That looks good. All right. Now, on the long side, I want you to do a nice extended trot and then collect him at the corners. Very nice. All right, in the next corner, I want you to do a nice sitting trot and then pick up a canter. So we fix him yet? Well, so far, from what I can see, there's nothing wrong to fix. Cole's a great horse, he's super responsive. So it's Turner. Well, he's a great rider. I mean he's confident. Sgt. Decker: That's why he made the team. So why do they keep screwing up lately in rehearsal? I have no idea. Well, let's find out. Turner, let's see some figure eights through those barrels. Yes, sir! ♪ [Snorting] [Whinnying] Sgt. Decker: Come on, Turner! Pull it together! Excuse me, sir, um, I need a break. The thing that really needs fixing is that constable's attitude. Hey, you were doing so well. What happened out there? I don't know. From what I saw, all of a sudden, you started digging in on his sides and pulling on his reins. I guess I lost focus. Lost focus? You were giving him all the wrong signals. I choked under the pressure, all right? Sarge has a way of getting inside my head. Listen, if one person can stress you out, how do you think you're gonna perform in front of thousands? I don't know. I just gotta figure out a way to control it or it's gonna ruin everything. Okay, we will. It might take a few days, but I don't give up that easily. Lou: Thank you. Buttermilk fried chicken? Jeff: Mmm, this looks great! Yeah, it was even better when it was the daily special at Maggie's yesterday. Oh hey, no, no, anything more than a pot of Mac and cheese is a step up for me. And besides, you're too busy at work. Tell me about it. I am in desperate need of some more staff. Oh yeah, that one girl at the dude ranch has an attitude, huh? Um, cassandra, right? Cassandra. Are you kiddin'? Lou, how could you do that after what she did to Ty? You guys, I have been so overworked between the dude ranch and the diner, I just... Ty, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown when she showed up. I just needed a body. Well, you sure did pick a nice one. Seriously? Well, I'm just saying that she's hot. Anyway, grandpa, how did it go with tricia today? Your doctor? Oh. We sort of missed each other. You had an appointment. Well, something came up. Like what? Well, like your father jumping town on me. I spent the whole time trying to find somebody to help me with the hay. You're not seriously considering throwing those heavy bales this year, are you? Why not? I've been doing it all my life. Grandpa, don't you think that, considering the circumstances, you might wanna just wait for dad? No, I don't. Jeff: Ty, wait up. Ty: What's up? Jeff; Hey, so what happened between you and that cassandra chick? Ty: Nothing. Oh, ugly break-up, huh? No. Okay, so what's the deal then? There's no deal. We just used to work together at the clinic. She have a boyfriend? I have no idea. What's she all about, man? You guys must have sht the breeze at work or something. Yeah, I haven't really seen her in a while, so I can't help you, Jeff. Sorry. Come on, man, do me a solid. You gotta remember something. She likes cars - uh, fast ones. Really fast cars. Really. What kind of guy is she into? [Starts engine] One that's started shaving. [Truck rumbles away] Oh, Jeff is going to love these. Are you kidding me? Who doesn't love chocolate banana pancakes? Oh, don't make them too big. Where's the hitch pin? The what? The hitch pin? Don't give me that. I need it to hook the hay wagon to that tractor. I know you'd rather see me watching TV or something, but hiding that pin, it's not gonna stop me. Okay, I didn't hide anything, and I resent the accusation. Okay. Guess I'll just go to town and get another one. Okay. Darn it. You did hide it. See those bubbles? Time to flip them. [Happy sigh] Wakey, wakey! Hey, squirt! I made you pancakes. Oh, thanks, but I pretty much stick to coffee for breakfast. That's okay, more for me. I'm going to need the energy. I'm going to show you what Phoenix and I can do. Yes, I can't wait. But first I just have to run into calgary. Calgary? That'll take a few hours. Can I come? Oh well, I'll be back as soon as I can, okay? And then you can show me how high you can jump that horse. Cool? Cool. All right. [Vehicles rumble] Tricia: Hey, Lou. Tricia. Um, please don't tell me you're here for- yeah. But I don't see his truck anywhere. I cannot believe he skipped out on another appointment. You can't believe it? I'm the one wasting my time playing this ridiculous game of cat and mouse. I am so sorry. Maybe it's time Jack found another doctor. Lou: No, no, no, no. You have no idea how hard it was just to get him to see you. He's just been taking care of this ranch so long, he doesn't know how to make time for his own health. Well, he's down to his last chance. I will talk to him, I swear. Good luck with that. Thank you. I'll see you later. Thank you. [Suv rumbles away] [Musical ride music plays] Okay, I want to make this seem as much like the musical ride as I can, so I'm gonna take spartan around that barrel, and I want you and Cole to come from the other way and go around - we'll meet in the middle. Scott: Thread the needle. I got it. Come on. ♪ You're supposed to give us more space. Amy: Well, you need to learn to be ready for anything. Okay, let's try it again, and this time you go in front. [Nervous snorts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Amy: Brian! Pull up! Brian, stop him! Agh! Oof! You all right? I-I'm fine. I'm fine. Maybe we should just take a break. No. You know what? Let's call it a day. Come on, Brian, we've just got it started. These things take time. Brian: No, I think this is something I've gotta figure out on my own. What is that supposed to mean it means I just have to man up and deal with the pressure. Tricia: I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. From what I saw, that wasn't a simple case of performance anxiety. Sorry, I'm tricia. This is my grandpa's doctor. This is Brian, he rides for the rcmp musical ride. Hi. Those tremors... What tremors? They could be a sign of some underlying condition. I mean you might wanna tell your medical team about it. Yeah, thanks for the heads up. I'll look into it. [Gate clunks open] [Low hum of chatter, playful laughter] Cassandra: Oh man... Hey! Scott. So you're working here? Yeah. You know, uh... Needed a summer job. I thought you would've been at uh... Yeah, but um... Haven't had much luck getting on at a clinic. I guess some things follow you around. Sorry to hear that. Hey, it is what it is. Gotta get to work. Yeah, me too. Bye. [Sighs] [Car revs up] Jeff: Hey. Cassandra, right? I'm Jeff. We met yesterday. Well, sort of. The canoe, remember? You totally sht me down. Obviously I didn't do a good enough job. Ooh! Why are you so bitter? You know, maybe you need a little bit of excitement in your life. You're not gonna ask me to your prom in that thing, are you? [Laughs] Okay, look, I'm almost twenty, and I've lived a lot in those years. Not enough to get it when a girl's not into you. Ouch! Look, I'm thinking you need to work off some of that aggression. In your dreams. Oh no, don't take it the wrong way. What are you doing? Thought you might want to help me take it for a test drive. All right. [Starts up the engine] Hey, wait! It's a rental! Oh... I'll have one of those, and then, if you've got a minute, you can help me hook that wagon up to the tractor. Grandpa, you're not still thinking about doing that tomorrow, are you? Aw, not you too! [Sighs] I know Lou has been overly "Lou" lately, but bringing in the hay is a lot of work, and I just think that it's not the craziest idea to hire a crew this year. Jack: Amy... [Sighs] I gotta wash up. Tricia: [Door opens] Hello? Hello again, tricia. Tricia: Hey. You know, I was heading back to my clinic and I had to turn back. Something wasn't right with that guy on the horse. I know. I know, and when he heard you were a doctor, he just... Yeah, I think he's in denial. I mean, he knows something's wrong, but he's too afraid to deal with it. Well, being in the musical ride, that's a lot of pressure. Well, from what he saw, those spasms could put him and his horse at risk. You need to convince him to see someone. And what if he won't? It's your call. But if it were me, I'd make sure he was pulled from the ride until he did. Well, look who's here. [Sucks his teeth] [Door opens] Jack: You know, I'm sorry about that. Tricia: Yeah, well, you should be! Jack: I just got busy and things- tricia: Oh, you got busy?! What, I got nothing but time on my hands? That's not what I meant. If you're not interested in taking care-I am interested in taking care- oh, yeah, yeah, you got a funny way of showing it. Jack: I have one little heart attck and everybody thinks they have to treat me like a sick old man! Why don't we do this examination right now? [Door slams] I have another appointment. Tomorrow then. I'm all booked up, Jack! Day after tomorrow then. Look, I'm not driving out here to admire the scenery, so you better be here or it's strike three, you're out. [Truck starts up and rumbles away] [Dogs barking] Ty: Hey, Scott, I know it's bad timing, but do you think I could cut out for a few hours tomorrow? Scott: Seriously? With everything on our plate right now? I know, it's just... Jack's bringing in the hay tomorrow and he probably shouldn't be doing it by himself. No, he shouldn't. Okay, just get back here after you're done. All right, I will. Thank you. You know, we really could use another assistant here. Scott: Well, I saw cassandra at the dude ranch. She's working there. Ty: Yup, I heard. Pretty tough to get clinic work after what she pulled here. Scott: Well, I was thinking, um, maybe I was too quick to let her go. You were pretty quick to let me go. You didn't seem to have a problem with that. [Sighs] You know I didn't have a choice in that. Okay, are you serious? You're actually thinking about hiring cassandra back? Scott: Well, it's not like she was in on what Jeremy did, and she confessed. Probably not a good idea, eh? Forget I brought it up. [Dogs barking] Hey, squirt! Hey. Hey, sorry I missed your practice. It didn't happen. I was waiting for you. Yeah, the day just kinda... Got away from me, but I'm back now! Georgie: I don't know why. I know that you'd rather hang out with cassandra than me, so why don't you just go do that! Jeff: Wh-Georgie, come on! Kids, huh? Hey. Hey. Hey. What was that about? I don't know. Georgie sounded pretty upset. She probably had a good reason. Yeah. I wasn't expecting to see you tonight. Well, I was gonna do some overtime with Scott, but uh... He's thinking about hiring cassandra back. Are you serious? Yeah, I mean, we can use the extra hand at the clinic, Amy - I'm not arguing that - but cassandra? [Birds chirp] [Door opens] Lou: Hey, grandpa. There's eggs on the stove if you want some. Jack: I'm not hungry, but thank you. What's the matter? Jack: Aw... Fuel injector pump on that tractor, nobody in town has one. They have to order it! So we'll just have to wait on the hay? Not if I can help it. Old Seth fredrickson owes me a favour. Great. So he can bring in the hay. What do you mean? I just watch from the sidelines? You could be the spotter. You said it was a real job. Jack: Just make sure everybody's in the north field at 1 P.M. Because we are doin' this today! Lou: Grandpa! [Door opens and closes] The fuel injector pump... Nice one. It wasn't me this time. I swear! Mother: Well, it's about time! Son: Aw, great. Get prepared to be lectured on your lifestyle choices, ma. I was just pointing out that the equestrian connection enforces a weight limit on our riding program. What's this? Where's my extra bacon?! I substituted our fresh fruit salad. Mother: Fruit salad? You sound like his uptight wife! I practically raised my boy on bacon! Cassandra: Well, you know what they say: You are what you eat. Let me get that extra bacon for you. Lou: Excuse us. What do you think you're doing? Um, I guess there was a mix-up in the orders? It doesn't sound like a mix-up to me. I was just trying to help the guests make healthier choices. More like giving him a lecture! Well, somebody has to! Yeah, yeah, except that's not really your job, is it? Okay, you know what? Apparently, I can't do anything right, so I quit! Wait, sorry, you quit?! Isn't that a little extreme? This isn't a good fit for me. And this isn't a good time for me to be losing staff, so... Look, I'm sorry. Mother: Hello? Order of bacon - still waiting! Cassandra: What? You have something else for me to test drive?! Jeff: That was a dirty trick. Cassandra: Why? I brought it back in one piece. What more do you want? It handles nice. Jeff: Hey, look, I just want to get to know you! What is your problem?! Where to start? Let's see... Well, I'm obviously not cut out for the hospitality industry. What, you got fired? No, I quit! And I have no idea how I'll afford my next term! I mean, I used to have a great job at vet clinic until I made a huge, stupid mistake with some guy and I'm still paying for it! Does it have something to do with Ty? Uh, yeah. Mostly the fact that he can't seem to let it go and he's making my life miserable. Well, hey, if there's anything I can do to help you out. Can you just leave me alone? [Door slams shut, car starts and rumbles away] Amy: Brian, what's going on? [Trailer door clanks open loudly] Brian: Look... Thanks for all your help, but like I said, this isn't working! You know the sergeant is gonna ask me if you're able to ride. And what are you gonna say? I'm gonna say that you need a medical. I'll get one after the tour. No, you need one now. Look, it could be nothing. Brian: No, Amy, it's not nothing. I, uh, I went to my doctor a few weeks ago. And what did your doctor say? I have multiple sclerosis. Brian, I had no idea. Yeah. My grandma, she's sick, she's... she's really sick. This would be her only chance to see me and now it's over. This whole thing's over for me. Amy: Brian, wait! Let's just figure something out, okay? Give me one more chance. So we're still missing a couple of extra hands. Georgie: I bet Jeffy would help. I bet he would. [Knock at the door] Do you mind getting that, honey? Yeah, sure. Okay, so I'll drive and you throw the bales, right? Okay, well, what about Jack? That's the thing. We need to make him feel like he's part of it without actually letting him do any of the work. Georgie: [Door shuts] Come on in. That's gonna be kinda tough. Tricia: And demoralizing. Uh, tricia, we're just trying to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. By making him feel useless? He's completely ignoring his health. I mean, for your information, he's not even here, so he skipped yet another appointment. Oh no, I see him tomorrow. I'm here to work with Amy. I just came in to get a cup of coffee. Oh. Ty: Well, let me get that for you. Tricia: Thanks. You know, I think I see why Jack's having a hard time accepting his condition. I know you're all concerned for him, but you need to stop putting limits on what he can do. He's still a strong, energetic, virile man. Virile? Georgie: What's virile? I'm just saying he's still very capable. It's one thing to be careful, but maybe it's time for you guys to take off the kid gloves. Thanks. So I got you these little blunt spurs. So if your legs start shaking you're not gonna be jabbing him in his side. Brian: You know I can't control that. Amy: I know, but we can minimize the effect it has on the horse. And... I installed some padding on the bottom of your saddle, okay? And we can put some in your boots too during the ride. If your arms start spasming, best thing to do is to put slack in your reigns and grab onto this leather strap, okay? Now, you just look where you want to go and Cole will take you there. What if he doesn't? You're just gonna have to trust him. He knows his job, you just let him do it. What's she doing here? If we're gonna do this, I want tricia on hand. You told her? Yeah. Well, I guess it can't be a secret anymore. Let's get to work. [Birds chirp] Jeff: Hey, you seen Georgie? Ty: She just left with Lou, went to meet Jack in the field. Hey, you know, um, Cassie seems to be in a pretty tough spot right now. And? Jeff: Maybe you need to let it go. Maybe you don't know what you're talking about. No, I think I do. Well, maybe she's throwing you for a loop and you don't know it. Jeff: What, so you're saying cass is a liar? Ty: Well, she threw me under the bus. Lost my job 'cause of her. Okay, look, I don't know what happened with you guys. I mean, she made mistakes, whatever. It's just... She seems like an okay person. She's having a reallly rough time right now. Shouldn't you be more concerned about Georgie than cass? Me and Georgie, we're fine. Really? You come all the way down here and you don't spend any time with her? What gives, man? I don't know, I'm not really good at this. At what? Being a big brother. I mean, it's just- it's not like we grew up together, man. It was always different homes and different families. It's just... We hardly even know each other and... I mean, I'm trying, but... I guess I don't know where to start. All right, well, I do. Follow me. Lou: Seriously, grandpa? Jack: And why not? This is how we used to do it! Georgie: This is gonna be so cool! Ty: Hey! Look who showed up! Georgie: Jeff! See? I told you he'd come! Jeff: So where do you guys want me? Lou: You and Ty are gonna throw bales up to me and Georgie on the wagon. So, Jack, you're not gonna... No. No, somebody has to handle this team, and I'm bettin' none of you can. Jeff: [Laughs] ♪ ♪ [Wagon clatters] Ty: You got it? Lou: Yup! [Bridles rattle, hooves thud] Ty and Jeff: [Grunt with effort] Ty: Come on, Jeff, let's go! Jack: That's it. Hey. ♪ ♪ ♪ Ty: I think my arms are gonna fall off! Jack: You wait till mornin'. Jeff: Oh, yeah, that was hard work. I'm still sweating! Georgie: Yeah, it's, uh, it's pretty hot out here. Maybe you should, uh, cool off! [Water splashes] Guys: [Grunt in surprise] Lou: Georgie! Ty: Hey! Jeff: Yeah, she's toast! Ty: Get her! Jeff: Get back here, squirt! Georgie: [Squeals] No, no, no, no! Ty: Hey, Jeff, get her! Jeff: You're not getting away! Ty: Get her, get her, get her! Georgie: [Shrieks] Get off! Jeff: Oh! Georgie: Get off! Get off! Jeff: [Laughing] Georgie: No, guys, get off! Ty: [Laughing] Lou: [Chuckles] Jack: Just so you know, I'll be the one throwin' the bales next year. And I'm going to try to be okay with that. Good. I want things to go back to normal, and you know I'm all right. More than all right, according to tricia. What'd she say? Georgie, Ty and Jeff: [Yell and shout happily] What did she say? [Laughs] Lou: Get 'em, Georgie! Georgie: Get away! Agh! Ty: Yeah! [Laughing] Georgie: [Squeals] No! Jeff: Agh! Georgie: [Laughs] [Tongues cluck, hooves thud] Amy: Did you see that? It's totally working! Tricia: Yeah, sort of. What're you talking about? That was perfect! Now, when he's obviously feeling confident with your aids, but what's gonna happen when he's stressed? Hey, uh, Amy, can we take a break? I'm dying out here. Amy: No, we're gonna go again, this time side-by-side. Ready? [Hooves canter] [Horses snort] Brian: [Gasps and shakes] [Horse snorts] Amy: You okay? Brian: Yeah. That actually worked. Cole rode right through it. We did it! Thank you. Don't thank me yet, not until you've done it for real. That's right, I'm gonna tell the sergeant that you can go on the musical ride. [Exhales happily] Cassandra: Hi. Hey. Hey. So you wanted to talk? Scott: Yeah, um, so here's the thing: The clinic's been really busy and I've been having trouble finding a good assistant. Right, what does that have to do with me? Scott: Well, look, you, uh, you did good job here, and I just don't really have the time to train someone else. I don't really understand. You want your old job back? Really?! And you're okay with this? Scott: Actually, it was Ty's idea. Yeah, of course I'll come back! [Sighs] But all is not forgotten. You will be put on probation. I understand. Can you start now? Yeah, sure. Scott: Great. We're going to spruce meadows. Prep her on what needs to be done. Yup. [Dogs barking] Okay, so there's a shipment of vaccines that just came in that needs to be- thank you, Ty. Thank you. Don't thank me. I did it for Scott, he needs the help. Okay. So let's just try and stay out of each other's way, okay? [Dogs barking] [Shovel scrapes] Jeff: Hey! Georgie: You're gonna help? Jeff: What? You think I'm afraid of a little horse poop? Yeah, I kinda did. Well, I better start doin' somethin' around here if I'm gonna convince Jack to let me stay for another week. I'm not goin' to California. What about surfing in Baja? Some other time. [Laughs] Georgie: [Laughs] Tricia: So how you been feeling? Great! How about you? Pardon me? You must get sick and tired of always asking everyone else how they're doin', so... I don't really think about it. I'm doing well, thanks. Well, good. I have to say you're in a better mood today. Well, my health is important, so I guess these visits are a necessary evil. [Laughing] That's not exactly the way I'd put it. Your pulse is fine. Everything seems okay. What, just okay? Well, you're in pretty good shape. What else do you want me say? Well, I don't know. Let's see... Maybe that I seem strong and healthy and... Virile. ♪ [Theme] Announcer: Please welcome the musical ride of the royal Canadian mounted police! Crowd: [Cheer and applaud] Announcer: The riders and horses performing today welcome you to the show! If you see something you like, feel free to applaud! The members and the horses appreciate it! ♪ Crowd: [Applauds] Ty: He's doing great. Amy: Yeah, but it's a long performance. [Hooves thud] Crowd: [Applauds] [Hooves thud] Ty: This is where he had all his issues, right? [Quietly] Come on, Brian, come on, come on! [Hooves thud] Brian: [Gasps and grunts] [Quietly] Come on, Brian! Come on! [Relieved sigh, crowd applauds] Announcer: The musical ride originated from the northwest mounted police as they made the great march across Canada in 1874! The first recorded display of the musical ride took place in fort mcleod, alberta, in 1876! Now the riders move to the centre of the arena to form the star! Crowd: [Applauds and cheers] [Hooves thud] Announcer: Now, everyone get your cameras ready for one of the highlights of the musical ride! The charge! [Horse hooves thunder] Crowd: [Applauds and cheers] [Hooves thud] Crowd: [Applauds and cheers]	{"type": "series", "show": "Heartland", "episode": "07x05 - Thread the Needle"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on Heartland... What are you workin' on? Let me see! "I am a financial analyst, but I am also a mom 24-7... a sleep deprived, guilt-ridden mom." Yeah, I read your latest blog post. As soon as I put it up I got, like, 76 replies. I can't be bothered teaching some city girl how to sit on a horse. Lou: Everyone, Tricia. Jack: Hi, again. Tim: Tricia, is it? Tricia: Yeah. Tim: Tim Fleming. Tricia: Hi. I'm the father of the girls. I'll be teaching you to ride. ♪ ♪ Okay, boy, let's give this a try. (Horse whinnies and snorts) Hey! What's up? What's going on, bud? Look, there you go. All right, let's try the other one. Hey! What is your problem? Ty: Hey, how's it goin'? Amy: Not great. I'm trying to figure out what's going on with Caleb's barrel horse. Since when is Caleb into barrel racing? (Chuckles) He's not. He bought him off a gal who just retired. His name's Hotshot and he's gotta lot of miles and a lotta wins, but, so far, I don't know. Caleb's trying to flip him, make a good buck. So what's the problem? (Sighs) Well... every time I bring him up to a barrel, he just blows off the side and freaks out. I guess it's back to square one. Someone's gonna have to take him around the pattern again and again until he gets the hang of it. And you're that someone? Well, actually, now that you're here, maybe you could try? Amy, I just pulled an all-nighter at the clinic. You know that, right? Ty, come on, please? It would just really help me if I could see how he performs for someone else. All right, all right. Where's Caleb anyways? Why isn't he here helping ya? Amy: Well, he's in town... working. Ty: For Nicole? (Overlapping chatter, music playing) Saleswoman: We make them ourselves and we're selling... Woman: Hi! Caleb: Well, that was real good. Why don't you hop down off of there, champ? Oh, look at you! All right, buckaroos, who's next for a ride on a real, live, workin' cow pony? Boy: It's me! Caleb: Let's do it. Let's jump on up. (Grunts) Yeah, all right! (Chuckles) (Insects buzz, fishing line whips) Jack: Oh, not bad, not bad. Okay, let one go! (Fishing line whirs) Pretty darn good for a first time! Here, let me give ya a hand. Ooh, not too far now! Georgie: So when do we get to go up to your cabin to catch some real fish? Jack: Well, how about soon as you get back from Banff? Georgie: (Sighs) I wish I didn't have to go. I just don't get it. We already live in the country and I see the mountains every day. Jack: Come on now, that's beautiful scenery, you get enough of that. It's a nice family vacation. You'll probably see some elk, mountain goats, maybe even a bear or two. Georgie: It sounds okay, I guess. You know, seeing the bear part, but... it's just... I'd rather be fishing. Jack: Well, spoken like a true fisherman! (Chuckling, fishing line whips) Georgie: Impressive! Jack: Thank you. Tricia: So how am I doing? I think I'm pretty good, huh? Tim: Well, you're a little tight on the reins still. You're pulling on his mouth. You know, they have sensitive mouths. And you don't need to kick him, just give him a little squeeze. Tricia: Okay, cowboy, everything else? Well, I'd say C-plus, doctor. I made it through med school, Tim. I'm used to straight A's. (Chuckles) Cheeky. Oh, this is beautiful! Yeah. You think this is nice, you oughta see the fishing cabin. You have a fishing cabin? Few hours north in the mountains. You never told me that. River's full of rainbow, browns, got a mountain view. It's kind of a family secret. Oh, it sounds wonderful! You know, I've always wanted to learn how to fly fish. Really? Yeah. If you're ever heading out there and you feel like giving me some fishing lessons, I'd be happy to tag along. Well, you check your schedule, I'll check my schedule, next time we run into each other we'll, uh, make a plan. How about tomorrow? Well, I gotta check a few things, you know, clear the decks, but, uh, yeah, tomorrow... Tomorrow'll be good. Okay. So you got juice boxes, rice cakes? Peter: I've got more healthy treats than anyone could possibly eat between here and Banff. Lou: It's not just the drive, we've got a whole two days there. Peter: Yeah, you know, I heard they actually have stores there, so we should be okay. Lou: We don't want to spend our time shopping, we want to spend our time (Cell phone rings) having the best family vacation ever! Peter: Yes. Oh, hold on. (Beeps phone on) That's work, I gotta take this. Lou: Oh, come on. Katie: Mama... Peter: (Into phone) Hey, buddy, what's up? (To Lou) Thanks. Yeah, I know. We're headin' up to Banff, just me, Lou, and the kids. Three days and two nights. It's gonna be great. No, no, no, what do you mean change of plans? I can't, man, I... (Sighs) Lou's got her heart set on it, that's why, I... Okay, what kind of sweetener? (Overlapping chatter, music playing) Woman: Great! What are you gonna get? Saleswoman: Hi. Woman: Sir, how much? Saleswoman: Would you like this? Woman 2: So how would I wash this? Man sings on radio: * oh yeah! Come and see! Look at my shining sun! * (Belt clanks down) Girl: Hey, mom, can I get one of these? Man sings on radio: * oh, yeah, everyone, look at my shining son! * Nicole: What do you think? Should I get it? Do I like this? Nicole: Excuse me! Hey! Hey, stop! Hey! Hey you! Bring that back! Caleb: Sorry, kid, ride's over! (Tires screech) Don't worry, I got this! Hyah! Hyah! (Hooves clop) Hyah! Hyah! (Hooves clop) (Clucks tongue) Hyah! Let's go! (Hooves clop) Whoa. Hyah! Come on! (Hooves thunder) (Thief pants, belt clinks) (Belt clinks) (Belt clinks) ♪ ♪ And at the break of day ♪ ♪ you sank into your dream ♪ ♪ you dreamer ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh... ♪ ♪ You dreamer ♪ ♪ You dreamer ♪ Lou: So what was all that about? Peter: Uh... that was, uh, work, to be honest, and there's gonna be a little change of plan this weekend. Change of plans? Peter: Yeah. Um, remember Mike Dermay? His wife went into labour a month early. Oh! Peter: Yeah, which means, with him out of commission, they're gonna have to send someone else to the Alberta Oil & Gas Product & Process Development managers conference. Oh? Peter: And guess what, apparently I'm the perfect candidate. Oh. So an oil guys' conference. Let me guess: You'll be working the entire time we're in Banff? Well, uh, that's just it. Actually, um... the conference is not in Banff. It's actually in Fort McMurray. I know, I know, it sounds horrible, but, um, there is a sweetener. Okay, I'll bite. What's the sweetener? They want you to give the talk to the Petroleum Wives Club. What? I'm pretty sure it's the only reason they're asking me to go, sweetheart. Honestly, I mean, product and process development? It's not even my department, so it's because of your blog. Really?! Like did they say that? Yeah. And, you know, I know that we've been looking forward to Banff for a really long time, and I can get out of it, but I just... Uh, no, no, no, I... we should go. It's your job and your responsibility and it would be my first public speaking engagement. Okay, well, so we're settled then, right? Oh, how are we gonna tell Georgie? (Inhales sharply) (Sighs) Ty: Come on, boy, come on. Amy: See what the problem is? Ty: Yeah, he's fighting me every inch of the way. You want to help me out and hold him for a second? I just want to check his teeth. Amy: Yeah, sure. (Horse huffs and snorts) Easy, bud, easy. Hey. Amy: You know, I don't think it's his teeth though. I really think it's his attitude. (Truck rumbles up and shuts off) Come here, buddy. Ty: Well, if they haven't been done recently, the bit might be hurting him. They seem okay to me. Amy: Hmm. How about you hop on him and just walk him around, let him chill? Ty: All right. Tim: Hey! Amy: Hey, dad, what's up? Tim: Oh, you know, just dropped by to see how you're doing. I'm good. I'm busy. Good! Well, there's Jack's truck, huh? Last time I was here, he said was gonna go fly fishing with Georgie up at the cabin. Uh, they were, but now Georgie's going up to Banff with Lou and Peter. So the cabin's empty... as usual. Yeah. Why the sudden interest? Hey, uh, is he taking up barrel racing or... ? Are you taking up barrel racing? (Chuckles) So we're not going to Banff? Peter: No, and we know that it's a huge disappointment to you, honey, but things change all the time in the oil business and we have to learn to be flexible, okay? Lou: And when we do go to Banff, we want to go as a family. So no elk, no bears, no hiking up mountains? No, not for now... not this weekend... but we promise we are gonna go another time, okay? Peter: And, hey, you know what? It's actually peak tourist season right now anyway, so it'll be way more fun if we wait a few weeks. Lou: Yeah. Do you think maybe, while you're gone, Jack could take me fishing or something, just so that I'm not so disappointed? Lou: Yes, that is a great idea. You know, I'm sure grampa would be happy to take you, especially if you ask him nicely. Okay, I'll see what he says. Jack! Jack! Guess what! We're not going to Banff! That went well. Yeah. The Petroleum Wives Club? Wait, you're kidding me. Is this the 1950s? I know, it sounds a little old fashioned, but, I mean, look at the activities. Mindfulness, pilates, wine tasting... Rock climbing, yoga... And talkin' babies, which is where I come in. So you're really going? Peter and I fly out to Fort McMurray first thing in the morning. Okay, and what about Georgie? Grampa's taking her to the fishing cabin. And Katie? Lou, no. I have work piling up around the ranch! I can't spend my whole weekend babysitting! So get Ty to help you out. Come on, Amy, think of it like a trial run. Parenting 101. Now you're really sounding like a petroleum wife. Come on, Amy, don't be like that. It's probably gonna be so much fun. (Sighs) Lou: (Car starts up) Don't worry, Kitty Kat, mommy's gonna be back soon, okay? Peter: Yeah, daddy too, okay? Bye! Lou: Bye, sweetheart, have fun with grandpa! Georgie: I'm sure I will. Lou: Okay, bye! Amy: Bye, guys. Lou: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! Back up, back up, back up! Amy, don't forget Katie is off granola. It has to be oatmeal with a teaspoon of maple syrup. Amy: Okay, Lou. Lou: Okay. Oh, and no matter what she says, two stories and lights out! Amy: Okay! Lou: Okay, bye! Peter: Okay. Lou: Okay. Bye! Lou: Oh, oh, and no ice cream before bed! Bye! Georgie: Say bye to mommy and daddy! Bye! All right, Jack, let's go fishin'! What are you waiting for? Jack: Well, breakfast for starters. You don't want to scare the fish away with a grumbling stomach. Amy: (Chuckling) Come on, you two. Georgie: Alrighty! Amy: Come on, Katie, let's go! Georgie: (Laughs) (Truck rumbles) Tim: Better late than never. Tricia: Yeah, Tim, I'm sorry, there's been a complication. Jade: I'm not a complication, mom, I'm a human being! (Quietly) Did she say mom? Tricia: Yeah, that's the complication. My daughter, Jade, she just... she turned up unexpectedly. Jade: And tell your cowboy friend that I'm not going fishing! You can't make me! If this isn't the best time... No, she's just testing boundaries. If I caved every time she gave me lip, where would I be? Jade: Back in Toronto and not hooking up with some lame Roy Rogers wannabe! Tricia: Okay, come on, Jade, please! Would you just... just get out of there? You get into his truck, or I'm calling your father and sending you back! May I speak with her? Hello. Jade, is it? I'm Tim. (Quietly menacing) Get in my truck... now! Jade: Okay, okay! Don't stroke out, Roy! (Truck door slams shut) Tim: Here we go... limits set, boundaries established. I've always been very good with children. So times wasting, what are we waitin' for? I'll get the bags. Amy: Say goodbye to Georgie! Bye, Georgie! Bye, grampa! Katie: (Whimpers) Amy: Well, Katie, what do you say? You want to go back to the house? Katie: Mmm-hmm. Amy: Yeah? Katie: No. Amy: No? Well, what do you wanna do? Go back to the house just like I said. I guess you just don't want to be told what do, huh? Maybe you're not the only one. (Dialing phone) Ty, hey, can you come over right now? Yeah, thanks. Okay. Lou: Remember that post I did on child psychology? Maybe I could start with that. Peter: Yeah, it might feel a little too much like school, but... Okay, what about the post on our stay-cation at the dude ranch? Peter: Mmm. A little personal, I think. (Elevator chimes) I do work with these guys, you know? Lou: Okay, not too personal, not too serious... What are you smiling at? Peter: Nothin'. It's just been a long time since we've been anywhere without the kids, that's all. Lou: I know. I miss them already. Peter: Yeah, but nothing wrong with a little alone time. (Clicks elevator button) Lou: Oh, I get it... alone, like you and me alone. Amy: Katie, here's Ty! Let's go see him! Let's go see Uncle Ty, huh? Hey. Ty: Okay, this better be good. Amy: It is. I think I've figured out what's going on with Hotshot. You know, it's not the barrels or his teeth or anything like that. He just has a mind of his own! He doesn't want me telling him what to do! Ty: Okay, so what's your next move? Amy: Well, I need you to look after Katie. Ty: You called me all the way out here to babysit? Amy: Come on, Ty, just think of it as practice. You know, parenting 101. I'm gonna go work with Hotshot! Ty: (Sighs) Katie: (Babbles) Lou: We are oil wives, bound to the oil industry till death do us part. Few women: (Chuckle) I don't know about you, but I never thought things would turn out this way. In fact, when I first met my husband I was sort of protesting his seismic testing site. (Nervous laugh) Women: (Laugh) Oh my! Lou: But, uh, luckily we were able to get past our differences and I fell in love. Woman: Aw. Lou: I realized he was one of the good guys. Not that it's easy for an oil guy to be a good guy, at least not to his wife. You all know what I'm talking about, right? Crazy schedules, ridiculous hours and deadlines, all that stress and fatigue... it doesn't exactly set the mood for romance, does it? Women: (Laugh) All right, Hotshot, you ready to have some fun? Come on! (Clucks tongue) (Hotshot snorts) There he goes! See that, Katie? Amy: (Clucks tongue) Come on! Look at him! He knows the pattern! He just doesn't want to be told! Katie: (Giggles) Ty: Oh, he's picking up speed! (Laughs) Nice work! Amy: (Laughing) Lou: Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, and although I may not love everything about the oil industry... Peter: Uh, I'll catch up with you guys. Lou: ... I respect the need for it. Because, I mean, it can be tough on our husbands, don't you think, always being dubbed the bad guy? 'Cause it's one thing if you do something obviously good, like being a doctor, a teacher, a firefighter, a yoga instructor. Women: (Laugh) Lou: But when you're an oil guy, it's like you're personally responsible for the destruction of life on earth as we know it. Women: (Laugh) Lou: And I mean, let's face it, you can only be in denial about the whole toxic emissions and global warming thing for so long, right? But, in my experience, when an oil guy gets past that denial stage and actually starts facing these big oil issues head on, they can quickly move from being part of the problem to being part of the solution. So, I mean, maybe the oil industry is a little like a marriage. First you admit there's a problem, right? And then, you know, maybe show a little love, spend a little money, take your wife on an all-expenses-paid vacation to Fort McMurray? Women: (Laugh) Something's wrong with that picture. (Truck rumbles) Jack: Okay, here we are! Awesome! (Door slams shut) Come on, Jack, hurry up! This is perfect! Jack: (Chuckles) Yeah. I bet we'll catch lots of fish! Jack? Jack: Yeah? Georgie: Is someone already here? Jack: What do you mean? Well, the door's open and there's a bag on the porch. (Bag thumps) You stay there! Who are you and what are you doin' here? What am I doing here? What are you doing here? I'm Jack Bartlett. This is my fishing cabin. Now it's your turn and you better make it good! I'm Jade. Jade Virani. I'm here with my mom. Virani? Doctor Virani? Well, where's she? Jade: She's fishing with her stupid new boyfriend! Jack: Boyfriend? Jade: Yeah, Tony... Tom... Jack: Tim? Jade: Yeah, that's it. Jack: Both of you, you stay put! What are you lookin' at? Ty: (Quietly) Nothing beats a midday nap. That's right, Katie. (Exaggerated yawn) We're all going to sleep now, just closing our eyes... (Door squeaks shut) (Whispering) Finally. Amy? I'm in here. Hey, where are you going? I'm gonna go work with Hotshot some more. (Whispering) We just got Katie to sleep. We got the whole place to ourselves. Okay... I think your priorities are a little out of whack? What do you want to do? - Well... Katie: Ty! I think you should probably go check on her. Why don't you go check on her this time? Katie: Ty! No, she really wants you, and I've got work to do, okay? Okay. Hey, thank you. Katie: Ty! Ty: All right, Katie, here I come! (Light tap) Tim: Okay, it's all about rhythm. Just take it back... Tricia: Okay... Tim: Wait, then take it through... (Fishing line whips) Not bad, not bad. Jade: What are you guys even doing out here? Georgie: You know, fishing. Jade: Fishing with your grandfather? kll me now! Man, I can't believe I'm stuck out here! No TV, no Internet, no nothing! Georgie: Well, Jack said there was some board games in the cabin. Jade: Board games? I'm bored enough as it is. The last thing I need is board games! (Fishing line whips) Tim: That's perfect! Tricia: Woo! Tim: And that's right where the big fish are, so you hang onto that. I'm gonna get my rod. Tricia: (Laughing) Tim: Lookin' good! Tricia: The thing that worries me is what happens if I catch a fish? Tim: (Laughing) Jack: The way he's teaching you to cast, that's the least of your worries. Tricia: Jack! I didn't expect to see you here! Why not? It's my cabin. Tricia: Oh, I thought this was your place? I'd, I'd heard that Georgie was going up to Banff, so I just assumed... Jack: Well, you assumed wrong and she's been countin' on this trip! Yeah, well, it's a big river, Jack. It's not big enough! Tricia: Okay, Jack, look, this is all my fault. I pressured Tim into it. (Quietly to Tim) I think we should go. Tim: Yeah, okay, fine. Yeah, we'll go. You can have the river all to yourself. Make you happy? Jack, I'm sorry about this. No, I... really I am. (Sighs) Lisa: (Laughter echoes) I didn't know fishing was a team sport. Jack: Me neither. (Gasps) Stick it in, follow the line down with the tip of your rod... You just caught yourself a fish! Lisa: Oh really?! Did I?! Jack: (Laughing) Yes, you did! Lisa: Ahh! (Laughs) Jack in past: Okay, there you go! (Sighs) Did you guys even bring anything to eat? Georgie: Well, there's some stuff in the back of truck... a cooler, drinks. Jade: All right. Ah, life in the boonies! Gramps left his keys in the ignition! (Truck starts up) Hey! What are you doing?! Going for a ride. You wanna come? No! You can't! Jack would never let you! Give me the keys! Jade: I thought you didn't wanna come. Georgie: I don't! (Tires spin) Georgie: Hey! Stop! Stop! Jade: Hold on! (Truck roars) Tim: Well, maybe when we get back to town, we can go out for a bite. That way the day won't be a total write off. Jack: Tim! Tricia! Tricia: How bout fish and chips? Tim: Oh, that's funny. Jack: Hold up there! Hold up! You know, I've been thinking and you're right; it is a big river, there's plenty of room for everybody. So, Georgie and I, we'll just... Where are those kids? And where is my truck?! Georgie! Tricia: Oh my God, Jade! (Truck roars and thumps) Georgie: Don't! Stop! (Tires slide and screech) No! Jack: Georgie! Tricia: She sorta... she sometimes... she does things like this! Jack: Give me your keys! I'll see if I can track 'em down! Tim: Okay, good idea. (Keys clink) We'll wait here in case they come back! Jack: Okay! Georgie: Please! Stop! (Truck roars and skids) Tim: Just take it easy on the gravel, Jack! It's a very powerful truck! Nicole: Hey, uh, Caleb, if you wanna take off, I don't mind. Caleb: Are you sure? 'Cause, I mean, I really don't mind sticking around. Nicole: No, no, it's okay, really. I mean... But thank you for everything, it's uh... It was great having you here. So I hope you don't mind if I can pay you in cash? What are you talking about paying me? Come on, Caleb, I wasn't gonna have you work for nothing. You think I did this for the money, Nicole? You think I'm that hard up? Okay, look, no. Sorry, I just... I feel bad about taking advantage of you like this. And I feel bad taking your money. I'm a professional rodeo cowboy. I got a drawer full of buckles, a sweet set of wheels. On a good day, I make a whole lot more than you got there. Nah, you just forget it. Hey! Caleb, wait! Tricia: I guess you must be wondering why I never told anyone about Jade? Tim: Well, I guess you had your reasons. I wasn't exactly straight up with you when I said this was my fishing cabin. It's not. It's Jack's fishing cabin. Tricia: Yeah, well, I didn't expect her to show up so soon. I guess my husband had enough and the next thing I knew there was a knock on my door. Wait a second, back up. You have a husband too? Ex-husband. My marriage ended a few months back. Actually, it was over long before that. It was my fault. I was... I was never home, I was always working. I slept at the hospital, ate at the hospital... You ate at the hospital? You must have been desperate. (Chuckles) Yeah, well, my marriage wasn't the only casualty. I mean, Jadie was always a difficult child. It got worse after the divorce. Tim: It always does. Trust me, I know all about it. Tricia: I guess I thought I could leave it all behind by moving out here. (Emotional inhale) (Tearful laugh) Must run in the family. Jade, I mean, what, she's only been here a day and already she's trying to get away? (Tearful exhale) Catch it! (Giggles) Good job! (Grunts) Okay, Amy, I think we need to slow down now. Katie: (Giggles) Amy: No, I think we should just let her wear herself out until she wants to go to bed. Ty: I don't think she's wearing herself out. I think she's winding herself up and she's never gonna sleep if she keeps going. Katie: (Giggles) Okay, how about this? You keep an eye on her, and I'll go do night check on the horses. Wait a second. What? You see what you just did there? No. Every time you get tired or bored, you think of something else you can be doing and you hand Katie off to me expecting me to deal with her. Is this gonna work when we have kids? We'll figure something out. I'm sure we will, but I know I'm gonna be a vet and I might not be able to pick up the slack when you feel like walking away. Amy: Ty, it's not like that. All right. How about we change things up a bit? I'll go check on the horses, you watch Katie. No, that's not fair! You're doing it right now, Amy. (Sighs) Oh... Ty... Katie: (Giggles) Okay, Katie, bedtime? Katie: (Whines) Amy: You're sleepy. Ty: Hey, Amy! Come check this out! I knew you wouldn't ditch me. Ty: What he's doing? Doing what he does. His job. Georgie: Please, stop! You don't even know how to drive! Jade: (Truck revs) I've been driving for years! Grand Theft Auto, Toxic Taxi, Gran Turismo... Georgie: Those are all video games! Jade: So?! The basic principle's still the same! Georgie: No, it isn't! (Elevator chimes) Peter: Lou! Lou: Oh, hey! How'd the talk go? It went okay. Mmm-hmm. Just okay? Well, maybe a little better than okay. They seemed to like the part about oil guys being in denial though, huh? Okay, I didn't know you were listening. I was just passing by in the corridor. Well, you know, I can't talk about being married to an oil guy without taking a couple jabs at the industry. What? Why not? Ho... Why not, Lou?! We're in Fort McMurray, in a hotel full of people I work with... people I work for! Yeah, great time to diss the oil industry! I did not diss anything! I raised some interesting talking points and the discussion afterwards was very positive! If... You know what? They invited me here 'cause they thought you were gonna tell some funny stories about babies! That's what you really think my blog is about, don't you? You know what? If you want to post stories about our life on the Internet that's fine, okay? But when you put me down in front of my colleagues? They weren't your colleagues, they were your colleagues' wives! This is not a joke, Lou! This is my job! Oh, trust me, I know! What is that supposed to mean? It means ever since we met, it has been work first, life second! Wow, I can't believe you're saying that. You know, I go to work so I can support this family! Oh, so now we're talking about money?! Well, we aren't talking about babies, are we? You know what? Don't you dare say one... (elevator hums and rumbles, thumps loudly) Lou: What happened? Peter: Blew a fuse or something. That's great. (Truck roars and skids) Georgie: Stop the truck! You're going off the road! (Loud thump) Look out! (Truck roars and skids, Georgie screams) (Truck grinds to a halt) (Engine hisses) Georgie: (Exhales tensely) Jade: You okay? What do you think? Jade: Well, that was fun... while it lasted. Are you kidding me? Fun?! Jack is going to kll you! That would make my mom really freak out. What? Well, you know, she's always busy. You know, she's always got better things to do. And I wouldn't even be here, if my dad's new girlfriend wasn't so unbearable! So what happened? I fly halfway across the country and she won't even change her plans! You know what? I'm outta here. Georgie: Where are you going? Jade: Anywhere! Anywhere's better than here! Georgie: Well, you can't just leave! We have to go back! Trust me, when stuff like this happens, leaving is the only way to go! (Sighs heavily) Peter: This is getting ridiculous. Lou: (Sighs) Oh really? You think so? Peter: What are you doing? Lou: I'm looking for the intercom. Hello? Hello? Front desk guy: Front desk, how can I help you? Lou: Can you help us? We are stuck in your damn elevator! You can turn on the lights and get us outta here! Front desk guy: Please calm down, ma'am. You're not in any immediate danger. Our maintenance staff are already on scene to assess the problem. Peter: Oh, yeah, that's great. When do you think that'll be? Front desk guy: Based on last week, it shouldn't be more than two or three hours. May I have your name please, sir? Peter: Yeah, it's Peter Morris. I'm in room seven sixteen. Front desk guy: Well, good news, Mr. Morris, I see your room is already taken care of, so how about we comp you a breakfast buffet for two? Peter: Oh, fantastic! You think we'll be outta here by then? Front desk guy: I'm sorry, is that a joke, Mr. Morris? Peter: (Sighs heavily) Do you believe this guy? We're stuck in an elevator and he's offering us a breakfast buffet? Lou: Actually, I heard the breakfast buffet's is quite good. (Truck rumbles) Georgie: Jack! Jack: What the heck is going on here?! I am so sorry! That girl, Jade, she saw your keys and I didn't know what to do! That's okay, it's okay. I'm just glad I found you. You're not hurt, are ya? Okay. So where is she and how did my truck end up in the ditch? Georgie: I don't know, she was going too fast! I should never have gotten in the truck! Well, yeah, that is for sure, but at least you're safe. But I let her do it and that means it's my fault! Jade: Okay, come on, let's get real, this was completely my fault. She had nothing to do with it, and when you see my mom make sure you tell her that. Georgie, get in the truck. This one and I need to have a chat. Look, I'm sorry about borrowing your truck. Borrowing? Is that what you call it? And taking Georgie with ya? What's going on in your head?! I didn't... I... I don't know. What, that's the best you got? Well, you got a better theory?! You'd do just about anything to get under your mother's skin! Wow! You got it first try! Well, guess what? It works every time. So look, again, I'm sorry about your truck. Sorry? I've been hearin' that a lot. Well, you're gonna apologize your way through life?! No! I don't know, I guess not. What else do I say? Well, it ain't the sayin' that counts, it's the doin' and you keep doin' stuff like this, pretty soon people won't give a damn how sorry you say you are! What is this? Some sort of backwoods teaching moment?! You call it whatever you want! And we're not done, so you get in the truck now! (Door slams shut) (Cell phone beeps) Okay, maybe you're right. I got a little carried away. (Cell phone beeps) And I overreacted a little bit. But, honey, if you had heard the rest of my speech, you would know it wasn't really about you at all. Peter: Oh, I know, I know, I just... you know, I got mad and I just said the first thing that came into mind. Kinda like me and my speech. Yeah, except that when... you say the first thing that comes into your mind, it's... You're a very intelligent woman, Lou, and although I may not always like what you say, I do like the way you say it. You know, and you being incredibly hot does not exactly leave me cold. Mr. Morris, that sounds like a come on line. (Whispering) Ah, guess what, it is. Really? What do you think you're doing? Hmm... hmm? What? Peter: We got a couple hours, let's make the most of our alone time. Lou: (Chuckles) (Cell phone clatters) (Horse whinnies on video, gate clanks open) (Horse whinnies on video) Announcer on video: Lookin' real good! A solid run! Caleb Odell! Goin' the eight seconds right there! And that's him down! The judges say 78 points for Caleb Odell! (Truck rumbles) Tricia: Oh, thank God! Jade: Hi, mom. Roy. Catch any fish? How you doin', kid? Everything okay? Georgie: Yeah, I'm okay. Tricia: What were you thinking, huh?! You are in big trouble, young lady! I'm really sorry, mom. No, I'm not sorry, actually, I... I'm gonna stop staying that. I just, I don't know, I guess... I'll try harder, mom. Oh baby, I was so worried! Tim: So it's all good except what happened to your truck? Jack: Well, it's in a ditch five miles up, so I'm gonna need a tow. (Keys clink) Tim: Okay. Jade: It was a really dumb thing to do. Tim: What do you say, girls? I'm gonna help Jack get his truck outta the ditch and then we'll h*t the road, get back in town in time for me to take you up on that dinner you promised me. That'd be great. We won't overstay our welcome. Can I drive? Amy: All right, Hotshot, why don't you just take me for a nice walk, huh? Ty: All right, no pressure. Let's see what he can do. Amy: Good boy. (Laughs) Good boy! Look at that! He'd doing it all on his own! He doesn't need me to tell him what to do! Amy and Ty: (Laughing) (Laughing) You're such a good boy! You just want to do that all on your own! Amy and Ty: (Laughing) All right, now he knows his job, how about you? It's still your turn to put Katie to bed. Okay. Okay, Katie, time for bed. Katie: (Unhappy whimper) Amy: (Laughing) Front desk guy: Mr. Morris? Good news, sir, problem solved. We should have things moving any moment now. Lou: What?! Peter: Uh, that's perfect! Fantastic! Thank you! Front desk guy: Have a good day! Lou: That was not two or three hours! It wasn't even close! Peter: (Laughing) I know! What do you want me to do? Lou: Honey! (Lights buzz, elevator clanks) Oh, we are moving down! We're going... we're going down! Peter: I know! (Laughing) Lou: It's not funny! Peter: It's okay! Calm down! (Elevator chimes) Women: (Chatting) Peter: (Chuckles) Sorry, ladies, you're gonna have to take the next car. Women: (Giggling) (Elevator button clicks) Peter: There we go. Women: (Giggling) (Birds chirping) Lisa: The mystery of Jack Bartlett unfolding before my very eyes. Jack: (Chuckling) Oh, I'm no mystery really. I've never been on an all-inclusive vacation and you couldn't pay me to get on a cruise ship. Can I say the rest? Sure. (Clears throat) You like horses, sometimes more than the people that ride them. (Laughs) Georgie: Jack?! Jack?! (Door clatters open) What are you doing?! Why didn't you wake me up? Let's get fishing! Nope. Just like I told you yesterday, breakfast first! Your grumblin' stomach... Will scare the fish away. That's right. (Door clatters open) (Door bangs shut) Amy: Here they are, Katie! (Suv rumbles up and stops) Lou: Is that my big girl?! Is that my big girl?! Come here! Come here! Oh, I missed you so much! Oh! Oh! Look at you! You got bigger! Peter: Hi, pumpkin! Lou: So you two, how was it? Ty: Great, yeah. It was never a dull moment. Amy: Yeah, she was perfect. Amazing how little sleep she needs. Ty: How was fort Mac? Lou: It was much better than expected. Peter: Yeah, they even comped us a breakfast buffet. Lou: Were you good? Were you good? Peter: Yes, of course you were. Jade: Excuse me? You. Don't worry, I'm not here to cause any trouble or anything. So what are you doing here? I know you saw me take this the other day and... I know it was really stupid. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, I can pay for it, or you can let it go, or you can call the cops, whatever you want. I don't really care. Just don't let it happen again. Okay, just don't expect too much! I switched out his tack, got rid of the bridle, and I'm gonna ride him in a halter, but I still haven't gone at any speed yet. Caleb: Okay, enough with the excuses! Let's just see what you got! Amy: All right! Ty: Yeah, come on, Amy, you can do it! (Hooves thunder) Yeah, come on, Amy! Caleb: (Laughing) Ty: Wow! Look at that! (Dirt swishes, hooves thunder) Come on! Caleb: Pedal to the metal! Hey, he's got some speed! (Hooves thunder) All right, bring her home! Come on, come on! Ty: All right! Way to go, Amy! Caleb: That a girl! Well done! Georgie: Jack! Jack, I think I got something! (Fishing rod whirs) Jack: Oh! Oh, I think you do! Okay, hold that line like I showed you now! Right there. Yeah, good girl! Okay, here we go, I got the line. You reel it in just a little bit now. Keep some tension on him! I think he's a big one! Georgie: Okay, okay. Georgie: He's really pulling! Jack: Easy now. Georgie: Can you see him? Jack: Look at that! He's a beaut! Georgie: How big is he?! Jack: He must be six pounds! Announcer: Next Sunday, on an all-new Heartland... If you're not up for the job, I know somebody who might be. Won't have much time for other clients. It looks like even the miracle girl can have an off-day. Announcer: Heartland, next Sunday at 7:00 on CBC.	{"type": "series", "show": "Heartland", "episode": "07x08 - Hot Foot"}	foreverdreaming
( ON SCREEN "Washington, D.C. 1865 The wr is over, Lincoln is dad. The nation is an open wound." ) [ EXT. Street in Washington, D.C. ] ( A UNION SOLDIER walks down the street. Church bells RING. He looks up at the church and enters the building ) [ CUT TO: INT. Church confessional box ] ( The soldier is confessing to a PRIEST, who is off-screen. ) Priest: ( slight Irish accent ) Unburden yourself, my son Soldier: I was with General Sherman on his march south. What we did…evil, unspeakable things. Priest: You were a soldier. You were following orders. Soldier: No. No, not just orders. We opened a dark door and the Devil stepped in. Priest: The only way to cast out the Devil is to confess to God. Soldier: No. No, I can't, Father. Priest: ( Southern accent ) Tell me about Meridian. Soldier: How do you know about Meridian? ( The priest, who is actually CULLEN BOHANNON, slides open the screen and aims a revolver at the soldier. Bohannon sh*t the soldier in the face. He slumps over and falls out of the confessional. People in the church scream. Bohannon exits the confessional and aims his revolver at the soldier, ensuring he is dad. He looks up a huge crucifix and then walks out of the church. A bell TOLLS. ) [ INT. Fancy parlor – Day ] ( A sign reads "The Union Pacific Railroad. Investment Offering. Join us as we construct this glorious road from sea to shining sea." ) ( THOMAS DURANT, a middle-aged, well-dressed man, is making a speech to potential investors for the Union Pacific Railroad. ) Durant: A nation, which nearly destroyed itself by civil wr between North and South, can only be healed by the binding together of East and West. Mark my words, gentlemen, it will be built. The only question that remains is which one of you will join me in this mad, noble quest? Who among you will have to say in years hence that he stood idly by as this nation became an empire? And who among you will be able say he lent a hand in making manifest our destiny as a great nation? ( The investors burst into applause. ) Investors: Here! Here! [ CUT TO: Sen. JORDAN CRANE, also a well-dressed, middle-aged man, who is smiling at Durant ] Crane: Bravo! [ CUT TO: INT. Fancy parlor – Later ] ( It is after the investment offering and only Durant and Crane remain in the parlor. Crane is seated at a table. ) Durant: It's all horse crap. The faster I shovel, the faster they eat it up. Crane: But it was truly inspirational speech. Durant: Twaddle and shite I say. Crane: Then why am I here? Durant: You are here to play your part. ( Crane reads stock certificate ) Crane: ( pronouncing incorrectly ) Credit Mobilier Durant: Crédit Mobilier will be awarded all major construction contracts on the Union Pacific Railroad. I own it and I'm giving you the chance to get in on the ground floor. Crane: So, you'll be paying yourself to build a railroad using government subsidies? Durant: Now that, my friend, is inspirational. Crane: Yes it is, but I can't afford these on a senator's salary Durant: As head of the congressional oversight committee on railroads, I'm sure you will find a way to pay for them over and over and over again Crane: Might I ask how many shares are here? Durant: Two hundred. I think you'll find that's fair. Crane: Four hundred sounds fairer Durant: ( surprised ) Are you trying to renegotiate a bribe? Crane: ( smiling ) Oh, bribe, such a dirty word. Hmm? Why don't you think on it, Doc? Hmm? ( stands to leave ) We've got a vote before the committee next Tuesday. ( turns away towards door ) Durant: Good luck with your land speculation in Nebraska. ( Crane stops and stares at Durant ) Durant: Fifty thousand acres bought on the cheap, hmm? ( Crane walks back to the table slowly, swallowing nervously ) Durant: What would happen to the value of that land if I decided to route the railroad around it? ( gestures to map behind him ) ( Crane frowns and sits down ) Durant: Take the stocks, Jordan. ( A moment passes before Crane reaches for the stocks. Durant slams his hand down on the pile. ) Durant: But I've decided to renegotiate. ( peels off many of the stock certificates, leaving a smaller pile ) One hundred shares. ( smiles ) [ EXT. Rail line – Day ] ( A train rolls along the track, silhouetted against the sun. ) [ CUT TO: INT. Train car ] ( Two men, SEAN and MICKEY McGINNES, sit on a bench on the train. Mickey is attempting to read the newspaper aloud but is struggling. ) Mickey: He was gn-gn down while he, while he p-p-pr Sean: Prayed. Mickey: I-I was getting it. Prayed. ( A man sits in across from Sean and Mickey, his head tilted down, obscuring his face. ) Mickey: In the con… Sean: Con? Mickey: Conf… Sean: ( with certainty ) Conference Mickey: ( skeptical ) "Prayed in the conference"? ( Man raises his head, revealing he is Bohannon. ) Bohannon: Confessional. Mickey: Someone klled the poor beggar whilst he was confessing. What is the world coming to? Sean: Well, I suppose the only consolation is he got to heaven that much faster Bohannon: ( puzzled ) How'd you come by that conclusion? Sean: Well, he confessed his sins. He died in Grace. Bohannon: So... ( pushes his hat back from his forehead ) God just up and punches his ticket to heaven, huh? Mickey: Well, yeah. Bohannon: ( shakes head ) If that's how God goes about his business, you can keep him. Sean: Keep God? Mickey: Do you know believe in a higher power? Bohannon: Yes, sir. I wear it on my hip. ( He pulls back coat revealing his pstol strapped to his hip. ) Sean: Are you a gn, then? Bohannon: ( smiles ) No. I'm just heading out West looking for work on the railroad. Mickey: So are we. Sean: To seek our fortune, as it were. Mickey: I'm Mickey and this here's Sean. Bohannon: Cullen Bohannon. Sean: Mickey has twelve toes Mickey: And Sean but eight Sean: Individually, were freaks Mickey: But together we're whole. [ EXT. Hell on Wheels – Day ] ( ON SCREEN – "Council Bluffs, Iowa" ) ( "So Far from Your wapon" by the dad Weather plays in the background ) ( Train brakes near rail's end. Workers hammer spikes and lay rails. Bohannon leans from the end of the rail car. The train pulls to a full stop. explsin are going off ahead of rail's end. Bohannon hops down from the train, saddlebag over his shoulder, and he walks in the direction of the engine. Several ngro workers file out of a boxcar. Pigs are being herded out of another boxcar that also has served as a carrier for more ngro workers. Bohannon ducks under gangplank on the pig car, holding his hat. Men toss luggage from the train and more workers pile off the flat bed car. ) ( Bohannon walks toward office tent. More explsin go off, startling horses and men alike. Men look for cover. Only Bohannon remains standing upright. ) [ CUT TO: EXT. Outside office tent ] ( DANIEL JOHNSON sits at a desk in front of the office tent, taking down names in a ledger. He drinks a sht of whiskey. ) Johnson: Next. ( Bohannon steps forward ) Name? Bohannon: Cullen Bohannon. Johnson: Railroad experience? Bohannon: ( shakes his head ) None. Johnson: ( looks up and sighs ) Why should I hire you? Bohannon: I'm willing to do just about anything. Johnson: ( skeptical ) Uh-huh. You and a thousand others. Bohannon: ( humbly ) I ain't got no other place else to go, sir. Johnson: Save it. Will you work a cut crew? Bohannon: Yeah. Johnson: Yeah? Bohannon: ( sheepishly ) What's a cut crew? Johnson: Oh, it's brutal work. It is not for the faint of heart. It gets hotter than a whore house on nickel night out there. ( takes a drink ) Bohannon: I ain't afraid of hard work. Johnson: You're a Johnny Reb aren't you? Bohannon: Yes, sir. Johnson: I could tell by that Griswold you're carrying. Was a Griswold like that that took off my hand. ( moves left hand over the stump on his right arm ) ( BOHANNON pulls his coat over his gn. ) Johnson: Well, we've all paid a price, Mr. Bohannon. I imagine you bear your own scars. I was a Copperhead before the wr so I bear no hard feelings towards you Gray Backs; you did what you had to do. It's the Darkies I blame. They way I see it, they only fre more than just a hand. Say, did you own slaves, Mr. Bohannon? Bohannon: ( hesitantly ) I did. Johnson: Well, then I imagine you know your way around a nggr. [ CUT TO: EXT. The cut ] ( Johnson rides his horse while Bohannon walks ahead of him. Several ngro workers are digging the cut. Some of the men, including ELAM FERGUSON, a tall, muscular man. He stops working for a moment, looking at the newcomer and Johnson. ) Johnson: This is Mr. Bohannon, your walking boss. You can address him as boss or boss man or walking boss. Mr. Bohannon is a former master of slaves. Elam: ( to other men; shakes head ) Some things don't never change. Johnson: So, he's up to your tricks. He's gonna work the blue out of your gums, boys. Any coffee boilers and otherwise slack work ethic will be dealt with severely. Now, dig me a cut! [ EXT. River near Hell on Wheels – Same day ] ( A congregation stands on the bank of the river singing "Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior", accompanied by a small barrel organ being cranked by one of the members of the congregation. Rev. NATHANIEL COLE, a tall, white-haired man with a beard, stands waist-deep in the river with a young Cheyenne man, JOSEPH BLACK MOON. ) Congregation: ( singing ) Pass me not, O gentle Savior Cole: Jesus Christ, accept this humble servant into Your heart. Congregation: ( singing ) Hear my humble cry While on others Thou art calling Cole: Be reborn in the glory of Jesus. ( Cole dunks Joseph in the river. Joseph keeps his eyes open. ) Congregation: ( singing ) Do not pass me by [ CUT TO Joseph's perspective: Cole stands over him smiling as an eagle soars in the background ] [ CUT TO normal perspective: Cole pulls Joseph from water and gives him a kiss on the cheek. ] Cole: Brother Joseph, your sins are washed away. Congregation: ( singing ) Savior, Savior Hear my humble cry ( Both men stand in the river smiling. ) [ EXT. Hell on Wheels – Day ] ( A sign reads "Hell on Wheels. Population: One less every day". "Twelve Gates to the City" by Ralph Stanley plays in the background. The camera pans over the denizens of Hell on Wheels: an impoverished mother and her children, men on horseback, wheelwrights and butchers plying their trade. Cole and Joseph ride up in a buckboard wagon, a steeple topped with a cross is in the back. ) Cole: Woah, woah. ( pulls horses to a stop ) ( Cole hands over the reigns and stands. He holds out his hands. ) Cole: Right here. Unload the tent. Raise the church in this den of thieves. I shall build a house of the Lord. ( Several prosttute wander towards COLE in various states of undress. One prosttute walks up and smirks. ) prosttute: You're putting up a church here? ( Cole hops down from wagon and walks to the prosttute. He straightens his coat before reaching out and touching her hair, letting it drop back down. ) Cole: What better place to convert the wicked, sister? prosttute: Well, you better keep an eye on your flock, Reverend. We do our own share of converting ‘round here. ( spits at his feet and smiles, her teeth in horrible condition ) [ INT. Durant's rail car – Day ] ( CLOSE UP of a map ) ( DURANT stands over the map, frowning. The OLDER ENGINEER and the young engineer stand nearby. ) Durant: Why have you made my road so…straight? Older Engineer: Are we not in a race with the Central Pacific? Durant: The Central Pacific? Those imbeciles will never make it out of Sacramento. They're so desperate that I hear they're hiring chinks. What I was thinking was something more like…this. ( he draws an imaginary wavy line across the map with a stick ) Older Engineer: But we're building over flat land. Why wouldn't we make it straight? Durant: "Why wouldn't we make it straight", he asks. ( looks at the ceiling in desperation ) Take a closer look. ( Older Engineer leans over to study map. Durant slams his face into the map. ) Durant: ( angrily ) Let me elucidate. In case you haven't heard, this undertaking is being subsidized by the enormous teat of the Federal Government. ( The young engineer looks on, nervously. ) Durant: This never-ending, money-gushing nipple pays me $16,000 per mile, yet you…build…my…road…straight! You're fired. Get out. ( Older Engineer smiles, looking puzzled ) Durant: ( yelling ) I said, get out! ( Older Engineer walks away from table. ) Durant: ( to younger engineer ) You look like a bright young man. ( The train charges onward down the track ) ( ON SCREEN – "Nebraska Territory" ) [ EXT. Rolling hills in Nebraska – Day ] [ CUT TO: ROBERT BELL's perspective through the surveying transit ] ( A beautiful, blond woman, LILY BELL, is holding a survey marker. She smiles. ) [ CUT TO: normal perspective ] ( Robert, her husband, stands back from the transit and puts his hands on his hips, smiling. He goes back to work, adjusting dials on the transit. ) [ CUT TO: A hill, later ] ( Lily is sitting in the grass while Robert is higher up the hill in a chair, drafting a map. ) Lily: This land…it's bewitching. Robert: It hasn't changed since Lewis and Clark first saw it sixty years ago. Lily: Do you ever wonder if our work here will be the ruin of all of this? Robert: Progress comes with a cost, Lily. Lily: I just think it's so much more beautiful without people. Robert: Don't fool yourself. There are plenty of people here. We're entering Cheyenne territory. You do remember our agreement? Lily: ( she turns to look at him over her shoulder ) You mean our agreement about me not leaving your side while you're ill? Robert: ( coughs ) No. I mean your agreement that you should go back to Chicago once we entered hostile Indian territory. ( he walks down the hill to join Lily in the grass ) Lily: ( holding his hand ) Yes, my dear, but that was before you took ill. I believe our second agreement supersedes our first. Robert: Dear God, now you sound like a lawyer. Lily: If you want me to go to Chicago, lead the way. I'm not leaving without you, Robert. Robert: Don't tempt me Lily. I just might do it. Lily: ( she grabs him by the chin and shakes his head playfully ) Now, you play me for dumb. You've worked at this for too long to go back now. Robert: We've worked at this. ( scoots closer to Lily and puts his arms around her waist ) This. This would mean nothing to me if you weren't here to share it. Lily: Robert Bell, are you hiding something in your trousers? Robert: It must be all this fresh air. Lily: Breathe deeply. ( laughs ) ( They kiss. Robert breaks off and presses his lips to her forehead. He begins to cough. ) [ EXT. Hell on Wheels – Night ] ( The moon is full and orange. The men in town are entering and exiting the bath house. A few prosttute loiter outside, looking for customers. Two signs read "hot water and soap: 25 cents" and "bucket of water 3¢". ) [ CUT TO: INT. Starlight Saloon ] ( Bohannon is playing a game of cards with Johnson and two other men. ) Card Player: So, uh, how many slaves did you own? Bohannon: Five in all. Had me a small tobacco farm. Johnson: Any women? Bohannon: Two. Card Player: You ever, uh, sample the goods? ( Bohannon looks at the Card Player long and hard, exhaling smoke from his cigar. ) Bohannon: No, it wasn't like that. ( clink of poker chip ) Call. Card Player: You, uh…bitter you had to give up your slaves? Bohannon: ( shakes head and downs a sht of whiskey ) I gave them their freedom a year before the wr started. Johnson: ( looks horrified ) Are you serious? Bohannon: I kept them on at wages. Johnson: ( laughs and pours another drink for himself ) You are an odd duck, Bohannon. Bohannon: I married a Northerner. She convinced me of the evils of slvery. Johnson: So, you released your slaves yet you still fought in the wr. Why? Bohannon: Honor. ( Johnson laughs and Bohannon smiles. ) Johnson: ( pours BOHANNON a drink ) The Southerner and his honor. Where is your wife now? Bohannon: ( long pause; smile gone ) She's dad. Johnson: Did the wr take her? ( Johnson's eyes dart from the table to Bohannon and back down. Bohannon hasn't dropped his gaze at all. ) Bohannon: Something like that. [ EXT. Establishing sht of surveying camp in Nebraska – Same night ] ( The sounds of someone in camp having sex can be heard. ) Robert (O.C.): Sh sh! [ CUT TO: INT. The Bells' tent ] ( Lily and Robert have just finished. ) Robert: Think they heard us? Lily: Who cares? (laughs) Robert: I don't want to torment the poor bastards alone in the middle of nowhere. Lily: They have their hands. ( Robert begins to cough. Lily soothes him, rubbing his chest. ) Robert: I feel this cough is going to be the death of me. Lily: Nonsense. Nonsense. Robert: Lily, if I were to die…(he strokes her hair) Lily: Robert, please. Please, don't talk like that. Don't talk like that. ( Lily hums "Believe Me, If All Those Endearing Young Charms" ) [ CUT TO: EXT. The survey camp ] [ EXT. Woods outside the survey camp – The following morning ] ( Several Indian warriors are sneaking through the underbrush near the camp. One warrior spots one of the men working with the survey crew, who is unbuttoning his fly near a wagon. An arrow flies by the surveyor and sticks in the side of the wagon. The surveyor, startled, looks at the arrow and holds his belly. He looks down and sees blood gushing out. He looks again at the arrow in the wagon. He looks up just in time to a warrior with a bow. The warrior sh*t the surveyor in the throat. He gags and grasps the site of the wound before falling to the ground. Three warriors, including the one with the bow, walk out of the woods. ) [ CUT TO: INT. The Bells' tent ] ( Robert looks out of his tent ) [ CUT TO: EXT. The survey camp ] ( wr whoops and sounds of battle can be heard. One man exits his tent and clobbers a warrior with a shovel before being klled by another with a spear. ) [ CUT TO: INT. Robert is wide-eyed with fear. He lets the tent flap fall and moves for his desk. ] Robert: The maps. ( rolls up a map ) We have to save the work. ( Lily moves to the opening of the tent and looks out. ) [ CUT TO: EXT. ] ( Indians and surveyors are fighting. One man is scalped by a brave. ) [ CUT TO: INT. ] ( Lily closes the tent flap. Robert grabs Lily around the waist. ) Robert: Run for the trees. Don't look back. [ CUT TO: EXT. ] ( Lily and Robert run from their tent. ) [ CUT TO: One brave, holding a scalp, whoops. Another sht one of the surveyors. ] [ CUT TO: LILY and ROBERT run through the trees, ROBERT carrying a leather case of maps and charts and a satchel. ] ( A brave, Sun Bear, nears the tree line. Half his face is painted a dark blue and the other half white. The eye on the white side is damaged and opaque and a long scar runs from his eye socket to his lip. He stops and listens before continuing into the woods. ) ( Lily and Robert continue to run. ) ( Sun Bear stalks the Bells. ) ( The Bells hide behind a stand of trees but Robert begins to cough. ) ( Sun Bear hears the coughing and moves towards the sound. ) ( Sun Bear finds the Bells and clubs Robert, knocking him to the ground. Lily crawls backwards towards a tree. Sun Bear raises his bow and nocks an arrow. Lily puts up her hands in a defensive posture. ) Lily: No, please no! ( Sun Bear sht, the arrow going through Lily's right hand and into her left shoulder. She cries out as it hits. He nocks another arrow and smiles. Robert tackles him from behind before he can sht again. As they grapple, Lily pulls the arrow from her wounds, yelling in pain. Robert wraps his arm around Sun Bear's throat, attempting to choke him out. Sun Bear pulls a Knfe from his belt. Lily sees this. ) Lily: Robert! ( Sun Bear sticks the Knfe into Robert's gut. Robert lies on the ground, clutching at the Knfe while Sun Bear staggers and coughs. Lily charges towards Sun Bear and pushes him to the ground. Using the arrow from her shoulder, she sticks him under his chin. He attempts to choke her but she continues to push, screaming. He trembles and dies. Lily rolls off and crawls to ROBERT, who is barely alive and covered in blood. She strokes his cheek and presses her face close to his. He moves her hand to the maps case and dies. She lies weeping over him but hears gn. She kisses him and rises, taking the maps with her into the woods, away from camp. ) [ EXT. Hell on Wheels – The next morning ] ( The sun rises over town and people are slowly waking up. One man relieves himself outside his tent while other men, clearly hung over sit around a campfire holding their heads. ) [ CUT TO: INT. Starlight Saloon ] ( Johnson pulls out the cork from a bottle of whiskey with his teeth. He spits out the cork, pours a sht, and downs it. He walks to Bohannon, who is sleeping with his head on a saloon table. JOHNSON places a sht of whiskey next to Bohannon. ) Johnson: Rise and shine, Bohannon. ( Bohannon, startled, looks up at Johnson. He sees the sht of whiskey and knocks it to the floor. Drool runs from his bottom lip. ) Johnson: It's another beautiful day on the railroad. ( Bohannon coughs and groan before putting his head back down on the table. Johnson exits the saloon, whipping a man who passed out near the entrance of the Starlight the night previous. He swings his whip back and forth as he shouts. ) Johnson: Get up. Get up! Come on! ( calls out to no one in particular ) My horse! My kingdom for a horse ( Bohannon stumbles to his feet, knocking a bottle from the table. It smashes on the ground. ) [ EXT. The cut – Later ] ( The freemen cut crew are working with pick axes and shovels. Bohannon walks along the top of the cut. ) Bohannon: Hold that line. ( puffs on his cigar ) Half-hour to lunch. Half-hour. ( Bohannon passes by Elam and WILLY, a young, slim man in a bowler hat. ) Elam: ( to himself ) Peckerwood. ( Willy stops for a moment. ) Willy: He ain't so bad. Elam: Shut your dumb black ass up. I don't need no slve boss motivating me. Willy: Uh-huh. Elam: ( to Willy ) Help me out here. ( singing ) All them pretty girls gon' be there. Willy: ( singing in response ) Shuck that corn before you eat. Elam: ( to other cut crewmen ) Come on! Come on! ( singing ) I say, all them pretty girls. ( Bohannon stops, watching ) Crewmen: ( singing ) Shuck that corn before you eat. Elam: ( singing ) They gon' fix it for us rare. Crewmen: ( singing ) Shuck that corn before you eat. Elam: ( singing ) I know that supper going to big. Crewmen: ( singing ) Shuck that corn before you eat. Elam: ( singing ) I think I smell a fine roast pig. ( Bohannon jumps down into the cut. Elam stops and the two stare each other down. ) Crewman: ( singing ) Shuck that corn before you eat. Willy: Keep it going. ( Elam picks up his tool and continues. ) Elam: ( singing ) I hope they got some whiskey there. Crewmen: ( singing ) Shuck… [ EXT. Somewhere outside Hell on Wheels, train track – Day ] ( Durant's train has stopped. The engineer puffs on a cigar and looks out the window. The sound of a telegraph tapping is heard and soon the TELEGRAPH OPERATOR can be seen through the train car window. He has a gray beard and wears a visor and sleeve protectors. He writes down a message fervently. ) Telegraph Operator: You might want to take a look at this, sir. ( Durant is reading papers at his desk and doesn't look up. ) Durant: Put it in the pile. Telegraph Operator: No, sir. ( rises and hands telegram to Durant ) You really need to look at this. ( Durant looks at him, puzzled. He takes the telegram and sighs. He reads it. ) Durant: Dear God. Robert Bell is dad. ( He puts his hand to his brow. ) Durant: Is this entire message? Telegraph Operator: Yes, sir. Durant: Nothing about maps being found? Telegraph Operator: ( shakes head ) No, sir. ( Durant puts the telegram face-down on his desk. ) Durant: One last telegram ( Durant rises and crosses to telegraph. The Telegraph Operator sits down and takes down the message as Durant speaks. ) Durant: ( pacing ) To the Union Pacific Board of Directors: Change of plans. Stop. Heading for Hell on Wheels immediately. Stop. Send it. [ EXT. The cut – Same day ] ( It is hot and the cut crew is working hard. Willy leans over, nearly falling. Elam looks at him. ) Elam: You need some water Willy: No, It ain't, it ain't break time yet. ( Willy starts to cough and Elam puts down his pickaxe. ) Elam: Come on. You need some water. Come on. ( He pulls Willy up onto the dirt embankment. Willy stumbles and falls several times and Elam has to help him. ) Elam: Come on. ( They reach the water bucket and Willy takes a drink, gasping afterwards. Bohannon walks up angrily. ) Bohannon: I thought I told you dump that dirt on the other side Elam: Hey. Willy: Shut your mouth. ( Willy grabs at Elam's wrist to restrain him but he shakes him off. Bohannon takes off his hat. ) Elam: I told him to do it. We fitting to fill in that dip over yonder next. I figure we might as well use some field dirt nearby. Bohannon: You talk to me before any decisions are made. ( Bohannon puts on his hat and turns to walk away. ) Elam: ( sarcastically ) Yes, sir, master Bohannon: ( turns back to Elam ) What you say? ( Johnson rides up, his horse whinnying. ) Johnson: Bohannon! What the hell is going on here? You drink when I tell you to drink! ( Johnson raises his whip and strikes Willy and he falls to the ground. An explsin goes off in the distance. Johnson's horse rears and comes down hard, striking Willy in the head as he is rising to his feet. He falls again. ELAM takes the horse by the bridle and backs him off Willy. ) Elam: Get up! Move! ( Elam runs to Willy, whose face is covered in blood. ) Elam: Willy! Willy! Willy! Willy! ( Elam shakes him but Willy doesn't respond. He cradles his head in his hands. Willy trembles in his arms but does not open his eyes or speak. ) Johnson: This is what happens when you break my rules. ( Elam stares up at Johnson. ) [ INT. Elam and Willy's tent – That night ] ( Outside it is raining. Bohannon enters and removes his hat. He is puffing on a cigar but drops it and puts it out with his boot. ELAM sits whetting his Knfe. Bohannon sits on ELAM's cot but ELAM doesn't look up at him. Bohannon notices Willy lying on his cot, dad and almost completely covered by a bloody sheet. Bohannon picks up the dipper from the water bucket. ELAM stares at him and Bohannon freezes before tipping out the water and letting the dipper back down into the bucket. He sighs and watches Elam whetting the Knfe. ) Bohannon: Now, what you planning on doing with that Arkansas Toothpick, huh? ( Elam doesn't respond. ) Bohannon: Don't do it. Elam: We ain't on no plantation no more, walking boss. ( He spits on the whet stone. ) Bohannon: Ain't nothing good gonna come from this. ( Elam sets down the whet stone and picks up a clipping from a newspaper. ) Elam: Well, ain't nothing good come from this either. ( CLOSE UP: Paper reads "Emancipation Proclamation". ) Elam: That dumb nggr thought this gonna change a thing. ( looks at Willy ) Look what that got him. Might as well wipe my ass wit' it. ( He tosses down the paper and grabs the whet stone again. ) Bohannon: You kll him…you will hang. Elam: How they gonna hang me if there ain't witnesses? Bohannon: You come at me with a Knfe, son, you better be ready to use it. ( Elam tests the edge of the blade with his thumb. He stares down Bohannon for several moments before he smiles. ) Bohannon: Yeah. You got to let go of the past. ( He rises to leave. ) Elam: Have you let it go? ( Bohannon stops and turns, staring at ELAM before putting on his hat and leaving. ELAM continues to sharpen his Knfe. ) [ EXT. Outside McGinnis Brothers' Magic Lantern Show tent – That night ] ( Bohannon walks up to a table outside the tent and pays his fee to the doorman before entering. ) [ CUT TO: INT. McGinnis Brothers' Magic Lantern Show tent ] ( Bohannon approaches Sean, who is running the magic lantern. Flute music can be heard in the background. ) Bohannon: You doing quite a trade here Sean: Not bad for a couple of Irish bumpkins. Bohannon: Where's Mickey? Sean: He's preparing for the grand finale. ( Mickey stands next to the screen, the image of a little girl in a bonnet projected behind him. ) Mickey: ( singing ) A stór mo chroí when you're far away Far from the land you'll be leaving ( Mickey continues in the background. ) Mickey: ( singing ) It's many a time by night and by day That your heart will be sorely grieving Sean: Do you not pine for your own homeland, Mr. Bohannon? Bohannon: No. Sean: Why not? Bohannon: It's gone. ( Focus returns to Mickey. The image behind him is now of a married couple. ) Mickey: ( singing ) For the stranger's land may be bright and fair And rich in its treasures golden ( Bohannon stares off into space and Mickey's voice is replaced by Maura O'Connell singing the last lines. ) Maura O'Connell: ( singing ) A ruin, a ruin, oh won't you come back soon. Love you. [ INT. Starlight Saloon – Later ] ( Bohannon and Johnson are drinking together. Bohannon pours another drink for Johnson. ) Johnson: So, tell me, Bohannon, did you see the elephant during the wr? Bohannon: Yeah, I saw my share of action. Johnson: ( nods ) Where? Bohannon: I–I don't like to talk about it. Johnson: ( sighs ) I loved the wr. ( to the rest of the patrons in the saloon ) I loved the wr! ( turns back and drinks ) The best thing that ever happened to me. Bohannon: I thought you said you were against it. Johnson: Oh yeah, I was. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy myself once pressed into service. Bohannon: ( to bartender ) Hey! Johnson: Oh hey, I'm-I'm skimped. Bohannon: No, no. This one's on me. ( The bartender brings a bottle and leaves. ) Johnson: Well, thank you. ( Bohannon pours. ) Johnson: Most men shrink when they see the elephant up close. Bohannon: ( a little too interested ) Oh, yeah? Johnson: But I...I blossomed. ( He drinks and Bohannon pours another. ) Johnson: Thank you. Though I…I must admit there were certain lines that I crossed, lines of morality I didn't think myself capable of crossing. ( stares at Bohannon and then drinks ) But that's what men do in wr. Bohannon: Moral men don't. Johnson: So, you did nothing that you were ashamed of? Bohannon: ( nods ) I did plenty I was ashamed of. ( He leans back in his chair and stares at Johnson. ) Bohannon: You ever been to Meridian, Mississippi, Mr. Johnson? ( Johnson cocks back the hammer of his gn under the table. ) Johnson: That is my Remington pointed at your gut. So, let's take a walk out back. ( Bohannon looks around but no has noticed the altercation. ) [ CUT TO: EXT. Outside the Starlight Saloon ] ( Bohannon walks in front of Johnson, who has his gn pushed between Bohannon's shoulder blades. ) Johnson: I know about the two men you klled in Maryland. Then I read about Prescott getting klled in that church by a Griswold. ( chuckles ) But I'll be damned if you didn't walk up a few days later with a Griswold strapped to your hip as plain as day. And then you ask me about Meridian? That cinched it. ( He pushes Bohannon forward, keeping the gn trained on him. ) Johnson: I am not proud of what happened to your wife, Bohannon. Bohannon: Didn't happen to her. You did it to her. Johnson: Yes, we did it to her. I did it to her. Your wife was in the wrong place at the wrong time. ( Bohannon turns to face Johnson. He has slide a Knfe out and holds it against his forearm, out of Johnson's sight. ) Johnson: I want you to know it wasn't my idea to kll her. Bohannon: ( confused ) She hung herself. Johnson: No, she didn't. The Sergeant strangled her and strung her up. Bohannon: Sergeant? What sergeant? Johnson: Well, he's out here too. I figured you were saving him for last. Oh, you didn't know about it. Bohannon: You tell me who he is. Johnson: Well, it hardly matters now. ( Elam sneaks up behind JOHNSON. Bohannon sees him. ) Bohannon: No! ( Elam slices Johnson's throat from behind. Johnson falls and clutches his throat, blood pouring between his fingers. ELAM catches him and lays him on the ground. He looks at Bohannon. Bohannon kneels and grips Johnson by the lapels. ) Bohannon: Tell me his name. ( Johnson gasps and gurgles but does not give Bohannon a name. ) Bohannon: Tell me his name. ( Johnson dies. ) [ EXT. Establishing sht of train – Day ] [ CUT TO: INT. Durant's railcar ] ( Durant sits in a chair drinking a whiskey. It is not clear if he is speaking to himself or someone else. ) Durant: Is it a villain you want? I'll play the part. ( sips his whiskey ) After all, what is a drama without a villain? What is the building of this grand road if not a drama? This business is not for the weak of heart. [ CUT TO: EXT. mssacre site ] ( Joseph rides alone through the remains of the camp, surveying the damage. Corpses lay scattered around campfires and tents. ) Durant (V.O.): It's a thorny, brutal affair that rewards the lion for his ferocity. ( Joseph looks examines and arrow, looking grave. ) Durant (V.O.): What of the zebra? What of the poor zebra? [ CUT TO: Durant's railcar ] Durant: Well, the zebra's eaten as the zebra should be. [ CUT TO: EXT. Near the mssacre site ] ( Lily staggers through a meadow, the map case tucked under her arm. ) Durant (V.O.): Make no mistake, blood will be spilled. Lives will be lost. Fortunes will be made. Men will be ruined. There will be betrayal and scandal. A perfidy of epic proportions. [ CUT TO: Durant's railcar ] Durant: But…the lion shall prevail. [ CUT TO: EXT. Former Hell on Wheels site ] ( A wagon rolls over the Hell on Wheels sign. The smoldering remains of the camp are left behind. Dogs pick at anything left behind. ) Durant (V.O.): You see, the secret I know is this: all of the history is made by the lion. We drag the poor zebra, kicking and braying, staining the earth with his cheap blood. History doesn't remember us fondly but then history is written by the zebra for the zebra. [ CUT TO: Durant's railcar ] Durant: ( takes a deep breath ) One hundred years hence, when this railroad spans the continent… [ CUT TO: EXT. Outside Hell on Wheels ] ( Elam walks along the top of a hill. The town moves towards its new location as the sun sets. ) Durant (V.O.): And America rises to be the greatest power the world has seen, I will be remembers as a caitiff, malefactor, who only operated out of greed for personal gain. [ CUT TO: Durant's railcar ] Durant: All true. All true. But remember this: [ CUT TO: EXT. The cut – Sometime later ] ( Two men ride up at a gallop. One wears a Union jacket. Elam looks up from the cut, first at the men and then at Bohannon. ) Durant (V.O.): Without me, and men like me your glorious railroad would never be built. ( Bohannon, rests his hand on the grip of his g*n and walks forward as the men get closer. )	{"type": "series", "show": "Hell on Wheels", "episode": "01x01 - Pilot"}	foreverdreaming
[ EXT. mssacre Site - Day ] ( A sizable river runs by and birds sing in the trees. It is a beautiful day, despite the carnage at the surveyors' camp. Scalped bodies lay on the ground, the sound of FLIES heavy in the air. Some of the bodies have been loaded into the back of a buckboard wagon by two men. The CHICAGO TRIBUNE REPORTER is documenting the scene with his camera. His flash-pan WHOOSHES loudly. The horse hitched to the buckboard is startled by the sound and WHINNIES. ) ( The reporter looks up from his camera towards the ridge to see a party of three men riding on horseback. One figure, on a white horse, rides ahead of the two other men. The two men with the reporter chamber rounds in their wapon. ) Reporter: It's Durant. ( DURANT dismounts, as do the two men. ) Reporter: ( to himself ) What the hell's he doing here? ( Durant walks up to the Reporter. ) Durant: Are you the Chicago Tribune reporter? Reporter: Yes Durant: Did you photograph this body? Reporter: Y-yes, sir, Mr. Durant, but just-just the one body. ( Durant looks at the man, disgusted. ) Durant: What's wrong with you, man? Reporter: I'm sorry. I thought... Durant: Just the one won't do. ( The Reporter is confused. ) Durant: ( to the men by the buckboard ) Get those bodies off the wagons. Come on, snap to, boys. ( The men drag one man, the sentry who was sht first, from the wagon. They drag the sentry back to the field as Durant continues to talk to the reporter. ) Durant: I want this scene photographed exactly how you found it. I want an unblinking look at the horror perpetrated here. ( The Reporter is still confused. ) Durant: More arrows. We need more arrows. ( Durant gathers arrows and sticks them into random corpses lying in the meadow. He attempts to stick one into a man lying in front of the Reporter but it won't go in. Durant pushes it slowly in with a SQUISH, much to the Reporter's disgust. Durant looks up at him. ) Durant: He can't feel anything. He's dad, for God's sake. ( Durant turns as a man, identified as DURANT'S MAN, walks from the tree line. ) Durant: The maps. You find them? Durant's man: ( shrugs ) No, sir. Nothing anywhere. Durant: Keep looking. Durant's other man (O.C.): Mr. Durant, over here! [ CUT TO: Woods ] ( Durant and his men walk towards two bodies, one being Sun Bear, the brave klled by Lily Bell. Durant kneels and rolls over the other. It is Robert Bell. ) Durant: Robert. ( stands ) Pack up everything. Bring it all back to Hell on Wheels. ( Durant is about to leave when something catches his eye in the grass. He bends to pick up the object. It is a silver pocket watch. He opens the hunting case and turns it to see the inside of the cover. There is a black and white photo of Lily Bell stuck to the watch cover. He looks at the photo a long while. ) [ EXT. The Cut - Day ] ( Men, both ngro and white, are working in the cut. BOHANNON walks along the top of the cut, monitoring work. He looks at ELAM before continuing on. Two men approach on horseback at a gallop. One, Dix, has long brown hair. The other, BOLAN, has short, sandy hair and a beard and wears a Union jacket. Bohannon notices them and puts his hand on the grip of his gn. Elam climbs out of the cut and stands next to Bohannon as Dix and Bolan approach. ) Elam: ( quietly ) They found Johnson's body. Everybody back in camp talk ‘bout it. ( Bohannon turns to Elam. ) Bohannon: Get the hell back in that cut. ( Elam doesn't move. Bolan arrives first and pulls his horse to a stop. ) Bolan: You Cullen Bohannon? ( Bohannon and Elam stare at Bolan. ) Bolan: You hear about Daniel Johnson's mrder? Bohannon: Who wants to know? Bolan: ( raises eyebrows and smirks ) Why you so spooked, son? Bohannon: I guess I still ain't cottoned to the sight of Union blue riding up on me. ( Bolan chuckles and smiles. He turns to Dix, who gives a small smile. ) Bolan: You ought to be happy to see us. Bohannon: Yeah? And why's that? Bolan: Boss wants to talk to you about taking Johnson's job. ( Bohannon sighs and looks at Elam ) [ EXT. Hell on Wheels - Same Day ] ( Town is bustling with activity after the move to a new location. People are setting up their tents. MICKEY is pulling up a pole that forms part of the framework for the Magic Lantern Show tent. ) ( SEAN exits the Starlight Saloon with two bottles of liquor. He crosses the street to Mickey and hands him a bottle. ) Sean: Here you go, Mickey. ( puts his arm around Mickey's shoulder ) Yeah. ( Near the rail line, Bohannon rides his horse, following Dix and Bolan. Bohannon is smoking a cigar. ) ( CLOSE ON man hanging from a makeshift gallows ) ( The trio arrive at their destination and dismount. Bohannon follows Bolan up the steps of a caboose. Bohannon removes his hat and puts out his cigar with his boot before entering. ) [ CUT TO: INT. Caboose ] ( A large, imposing man dressed in a black waistcoat sits praying over a piece of hardtack at his desk. This is THOR gn. The hanged man can be seen through the window behind him. ) Swede: We thank thee Lord for this bounty you have placed before me. ( He finishes and looks up at Bohannon. He indicates a chair across from his desk. ) Swede: Sit down. ( Bolan pulls up a chair across from the Swede's desk. The Swede dips the hardtack in a bowl of liquid. ) Swede: Sit down. ( Bohannon doesn't sit but eyes the Swede. The Swede calmly takes a bite of hardtack. Bohannon looks out the window at the hanged man. ) Swede: ( nods towards window ) Horse thief. Tor gn, head of security for Mr. Thomas Durant. ( The Swede extends his hand. Bohannon shakes. ) Swede: They call me the Swede. ( bat ) I'm Norwegian but no matter. ( shrugs ) We are all Americans now, even you Rebels, yes? ( He smiles but Bohannon does not return it or respond. ) Swede: Hmm...Daniel Johnson told me that the two of you was cut from the same cloth. Bohannon: ( scoffs ) Yeah? I don't think so. Swede: ( bits into hardtack ) Why is that? Did you not like him? Bohannon: ( shrugs and shakes head ) He was my boss. That's about all there was to it. Swede: And drinking companion, yes? Bohannon: ( nods ) We tore it up some. Swede: I understand the two of you was "tearing it up some" on the night he was mrder. In fact, you was seen leaving the saloon with him. Hmm? ( The two men stare each other down for a moment. Bohannon smirks. ) Bohannon: Yeah. ( looks toward Bolan and Dix ) I'm not here to talk about Johnson's job, am I? Swede: ( laughing ) Is that what they told you? ( Bolan and Dix stand near the door, chuckling. Bolan has placed himself in front of the door. The Swede continues to chew on the hardtack. ) Bohannon: You a lawman, Mr. Swede? Swede: Hmm? Bohannon: ‘Cause I don't see no badge. Swede: ( brushes off his clothes ) Oh, no. There's no official law out here yet. Bohannon: Then what authority you got to be interrogating me? Swede: ( looks up ) Mr. Durant has appointed me to bring some order to the chaos out here. Bohannon: When's the last time you took a look outside, Mr. Swede? ( bat ) Looks to me like chaos is winnin'. Swede: Well, when harlots and dipsomaniacs are klled, I lose not a minute's sleep. But Daniel Johnson was a valuable asset to Mr. Durant. Bohannon: Daniel Johnson was hated by just about every man who worked for him. Swede: ( with interest ) Any with a reason to kll him? ( bat ) Perhaps one of the Negroes. ( nods ) I heard he had some trouble with them. Hmm? Bohannon: I wouldn't know nothing about that. Swede: ( skeptical ) Hmm...Ja, ja. ( He sweeps the crumbs from the hardtack with his pinky and he mutters in Norwegian. He looks up at Bohannon. ) Swede: Well, that leaves only you then. Bohannon: ( bat ) You know what? I'm done here. This ain't no court. ( The Swede grips a double-barrel, pstol-grip coach gn that is holstered to the underside of his desk. Bohannon moves towards the door. As he passes, Dix pulls Bohannon back by his coat pocket. Bohannon unsheathes a Knfe and nicks Dix. He holds the Knfe to Bolan's throat. The unmistakable CLICKS of the hammers going back on the gn stops Bohannon in his tracks. ) ( The Swede holds up the gn, the word "BEAUTY" carved on the side of one barrel. ) Swede: This here's Beauty. ( Bolan swings Bohannon's Knfe away from his throat. He pulls out his pstol and cocks back the hammer. He straightens his jacket, indignant. ) Swede: She's an old piece, but she still sht true. [ CUT TO: INT. Pig Car ] ( The Swede shoves Bohannon into the car. Bohannon hits the far side of the cart and falls. The Swede holds him by the neck. He puts on manacles that are tethered around one of the floor boards. ) ( Bolan stands near the door, his pstol trained on Bohannon. ) Swede: We gonna give you a chance to confess to this crime. ( He nods and Bohannon looks up at him in fear. The Swede slowly turns away and leaves. Bolan holsters his pstol and slides the door shut. The CLANK of the chains can be heard as he locks Bohannon in. ) ( Bohannon waits a moment before pulling at the chain looped around the floor board. The board CREAKS but it doesn't budge. He pulls again but falls on his backside. He looks out at the hanging man and sighs, his eyes wild. ) [ EXT. Nebraska Territory - Day ] ( LILY BELL walks slowly near a river, the map case tucked under her arm. She is disheveled and covered in blood. She hears the SNORT of a horse and looks around. ) ( Through the trees, she sees several men on horseback. ) ( She drops to the ground, wincing in pain. ) ( The men ride out of the trees. There are three Cheyenne men. ) ( Lily crouches behind a fallen tree, peering through the branches. ) ( The men dismount and hitch their horses to a large tree. Two of them begin to gather fuel for a fre while the third, PAWNEE kller, looks towards the log Lily is hiding behind. She crouches, terrified. ) [ INT. Pig Car - Same Day ] ( Bohannon sits with his back against the wall. He digs with his heel at the straw strewn on the floor. He sees a large nail sticking up from the floor boards. Bohannon moves to kneel near the nail and starts to scratch at the wood around it. He grips the nail and starts to pull at it. ) [ INTERCUT BETWEEN ] [ FLASHBACK - INT. Bohannon Farmhouse - Some time before 1864 ] ( FROM Bohannon's POV ) ( The camera pans down a hallway and moves towards the front porch of the house. A woman with auburn hair is sitting in a chair cross stitching. ) [ INT. Pig Car - Same Day ] ( Bohannon continues to pull at nail. ) ( FLASHBACK INT/EXT. Bohannon Farmhouse, Porch - Sometime before 1864 ) ( PUSH IN on woman's cross stitch. It is a picture of a yellow farmhouse with a magnolia tree blossoming in front of it. ) [ INT. Pig Car - Same Day ] ( Bohannon continues to work at nail ) ( FLASHBACK I/E Bohannon Farmhouse, Porch - Sometime before 1864 ) ( The woman looks up as someone puts his hands on her shoulders. She smiles as she looks up at Bohannon. This is Mary Bohannon, his wife. He smiles down at her. ) [ INT. Pig Car - Same Day ] ( Sweat beads on the end of Bohannon's nose as he strains at the nail. ) [ EXT. Nebraska Territory - Same Day ] ( Lily dozes, leaning against the fallen tree. ) ( Pawnee kller and his men are camped out only a few feet away from Lily's hiding spot. One man brushes his hair with a silver brush while the other puts more wood on the fre. ) ( JOSEPH walks out of the woods towards the camp. The men do not hear him approach. ) Joseph: Where is she? ( The three men jump to their feet at the sound of Joseph's voice. ) Pawnee kller: Hello, little brother. What are you doing way out here? ( Joseph takes the brush from the men. ) Joseph: Where's the woman? ( He holds out the brush to Pawnee kller. It was Lily's once. ) Pawnee kller: We don't have her. Yet. Joseph: You kll white men, that's one thing. But you take one of their women and you'll have every damn one of them hunting you down. Pawnee kller: ( nods ) Good. I'll count coup and get more scalps. Joseph: I hope it was worth it. ( Joseph turns and starts to walk away. ) Pawnee kller: What about the scalps you took? ( Joseph stops and looks over his shoulder. ) Pawnee kller: You act so pure now, but I remember a time when you loved the taste of blood. ( Joseph turns more fully towards Pawnee kller. ) Joseph: ( nods ) Jesus has forgiven me for that. Pawnee kller: ( nods ) Jesus may have forgiven you but do you think your white friends would? ( Joseph stays silent and walks away. ) Pawnee kller: ( calling after Joseph ) You better find her before I do. [ INT/EXT. Hell on Wheels, Pig Car – That Night ] ( Bohannon is still struggling to pull up the floorboard. He grunts as he strains at his chains. ) ( Elam walks up to the car. ) Elam: Hey. Hey. ( Bohannon stops and looks up, confused. ) Elam: You'd be surprised how fast you get used to the feel of them things. Bohannon: What the hell are you doing here? ( Bohannon goes back to working on his chains. ) Elam: Wanted to know if you be fixing to testifying on me. Bohannon: I don't know. Ain't decided yet. Elam: I know about that sergeant. ( Bohannon stops and looks up again. ) Elam: Heard Johnson say some other things, too. Things about men getting klled in churches and such. ( Bohannon goes back to work. ) Bohannon: Yeah, what's your point? Elam: Point is, I be hanging for Johnson, you gonna drop down right beside me for the folks you done klled. ( Bohannon moves to the side of the car so he can look Elam in the eye. ) Bohannon: Tell you what, you tell your story and then I'll tell mine and we'll see who they believe. Elam: ( nods ) Yeah, who'll believe some nggr slve over a white man? Bohannon: ( chuckles ) Relax, son. Ain't nobody hanging nobody. ( Bohannon moves back to pull at the floorboard. ) Elam: I ain't your damn son. Bohannon: Well, I'll be out of her by tomorrow. Elam: I imagine that's what that horse thief done said. ( Bohannon looks up at Elam. Elam hears a wagon coming and runs off. ) [ INT. McGinnes Brothers' Magic Lantern Show Tent - Same Night ] ( A crowd is leaving after another successful magic lantern show. SEAN leans against table holding the magic lantern while MICKEY holds open the tent flap, seeing patrons out. The Swede sits silently on a bench, still staring at the screen. Mickey and Sean look at each other and then the Swede. ) Mickey: Did you enjoy the show, sir? ( The Swede doesn't look up, instead admiring the projected image of a bridge over a river. ) Swede: Very moving images of home, boys. Sean: But you don't sound Irish. Swede: I ain't, but my heart was moved nonetheless. ( sighs ) We all yearning for our homeland out here in this strange place. Sean: ( pulls out the slide ) Excuse me, sir, have we met? Swede: We have not. ( rises and turns to the brothers ) Folks ‘round here call me the Swede. ( extends his hand to Mickey ) You got yourself a prime location here, boys. Mickey: ( steps forward and shakes the Swede's hand ) Yes, siree. Right between the whores and the liquor. ( Sean looks worried. ) Mickey: ( laughs ) Picked it out meself. Sean: What is it you want, Mr. Swede? Swede: I like that. Right to the point. And the point is nice location like this got a nice price attached to it. ( Sean nods, realizing why the Swede is there. Mickey is suddenly very grave. ) Sean: I should have realized there was a reason this spot wasn't taken. I should have seen this comin'. Swede: I take it you're the smart one. Sean: Aye. ( Mickey makes a protesting sound. ) Sean: So how much you want, Mr. Swede? Swede: Ah, once again, right to the point. Uh, two dollars a week. First payment due this Friday. Mickey: ( incensed ) But that's half our flippin' take! Swede: ( loudly ) And for this two dollars you shall have my protection against all the villains that surround you in this wicked place. ( Sean looks skeptical. ) Mickey: And what if we don't pay? Swede: Well, you can always move down to the slaughterhouse. Sean: ( defiantly ) And what if we refuse to move? Swede: ( smiles ) And I thought you was the smart one. [ EXT. Hell on Wheels, Near the Pig Car - Next Day ] ( A rooster CROWING and hens CLUCKING can be heard. The dirt roads in town are now mud, some places simply deep puddles from rain. People slowly go about their morning business. ) [ CUT TO: INT. Pig Car - Day ] ( Bohannon is still trying to pry up the nail. He hears the CLANK of the chains on the door and looks up to see the shadow of someone about to open the door. He throws straw around the nail and quickly sits with his back to the wall. ) ( The door slides open. The camera pans up from a pair of black boots to reveal the Swede. He has removed his coat. A silver charm of Thor's hammer hangs from his pocket watch chain. He smiles as he surveys the pig car. He pulls a crate across the room and sits down. The crate CREAKS under his weight. The Swede looks at Bohannon for a moment before carefully beginning to eat. ) Swede: I used to be a bookkeeper. Bohannon: You look like a bookkeeper. Swede: Hmm. I was always more comfortable around numbers than people. I could control numbers. Bohannon: The wr put a stop to that, didn't it? ( The Swede chews for a moment and looks at Bohannon. ) Bohannon: You're suffering from the Soldier's Heart, Mr. Swede. Yeah, I can see it in your eyes. You're still fighting them battles. Swede: I saw no battles. I was a quartermaster. More numbers. I never even saw the enemy ‘til our supply train was captured and I become prisoner of wr. Bohannon: Andersonville? Swede: ( nods ) That's right. Way down in the great state of Georgia. Total chaos ruled. Thirty thousand prisoners, fourteen thousand dad. I weighed two hundred pounds when I went it, and eighty-six when I come out. I just couldn't make them numbers add up. ( He pulls up left sleeve to reveal a large red scar ) Swede: I awoke one night to find one of my own men trying to eat the flesh from my arm. He thought I was dad. But I realized that night I had to control people like I control numbers and I learned to practice a sort of immoral mathematics. And I did some... ( whispers ) horrible…not so good things in Andersonville, Mr. Bohannon. Ja? In the end, I found I was able to make them numbers add up. ( He finishes eating and rests spoon against bowl rim. ) Swede: ( brighter ) So, have you thought about that confession? Bohannon: I figured by your math you're gonna hang me either way. Swede: Ja. ( The Swede slowly rises and turns to go. ) Bohannon: You know why the man didn't finish eating your sorry ass? ( The Swede turns around and steps closer to Bohannon. ) Swede: Hmm? Bohannon: ‘Cause you Yankees all taste like shit. ( Bohannon suddenly kicks out and knocks the bowl and spoon from the Swede's hands. The Swede shouts in anger. Bohannon prepares himself for retribution but the Swede gets hold of himself. ) Swede: ( calmly ) Get right with your Maker, Mr. Bohannon. Soon as we cut down the horse thief, you gonna hang. ( The Swede exits and shuts and locks the door. He stares down Bohannon between the slats of the car before leaving. Bohannon waits a moment before he moves towards the spoon and bowl the Swede left behind. They are beyond the reach of his hands. He kicks the bowl away and drags the spoon towards him with his foot. The spoon gets caught between two floorboards. He strains but can't get it free. He scissors it between his feet and lifts it from the crevice. Grabbing it from his feet, he quickly brushes away the straw from the nail. Using the spoon as a lever, he starts pry it up. He chuckles to himself as it pulls slowly from the wood. He holds the nail in his hands, looking at it. ) [ INT. Pig Car – Same Day ] ( The Swede cuts down the horse thief from the gallows with the help of Dix. Bohannon pulls out another nail and then another. He stands and pulls at his chains. After a moment, the board comes free. Bohannon looks out of the train car and sees the Swede approaching. Using the board he's pried loose, Bohannon levers another board free. He pulls another loose with his hands. ) ( The Swede is unlocking the door. ) ( Bohannon slips through the hole in the floor. He reaches up and feels around for his hat for a moment before grabbing it. ) ( The Swede pulls open the door and sees that Bohannon has escaped. He looks through the hole in the floor. He is distraught. ) ( Bohannon crouches under the train platform. He loops the chain around his wrists and hides his still manacled hands in his hat. Bohannon slips through camp. ) ( The Swede has Bolan and Dix with him and they search around the platform looking for Bohannon but he has already moved on. ) ( Bohannon blends in with a group of workers. ) [ EXT. Nebraska Territory–Same Day ] ( Durant's party and the Reporter and his party are on their way back to Hell on Wheels. Durant's men ride on horseback, one leading Durant's white horse along. ) Durant (O.C.): Write this down: outnumbered five to one, eight white Christian souls were brutally slaughtered by the marauding, bloodthirsty wr party of merciless savages. ( The camera pans over the wagon of dad bodies as they rattle on the journey back to Hell on Wheels. Durant rides in a second wagon with the reporter. ) Reporter: Outnumbered five-to-one? Durant: Make it ten-to-one. ( The Reporter hesitates before writing. ) Durant: Amongst the mrder were Robert Bell, ( swats a bug ) visionary surveyor the Union Pacific Railroad. His beautiful wife, Lily, the Fair-Haired Maiden of the West, was sullied by the savage pack, then carried off into slvery in their filthy camp. Reporter: What does sullied mean again? Durant: It will mean whatever the reader wants it to mean. My road will bring civilization to these untamed western lands. And the Fair-Haired Maiden of the West represents nothing less than civilization itself. Reporter: You see this as sort of rallying cry? Durant: Yes, now you're getting it. Reporter: Save her at all costs. Durant: Save her, yes but I want national troops brought in to clear every last savage from the path of my road. [ EXT. Pawnee kller's camp – Same Day ] ( Lily awakes, leaning against the same log she hid behind when the wr party arrived. She sits up and winces in pain. Crouching, she peers over the log and sees the campfire abandoned. She stumbles up to the ashes of the campfire and kneels beside them. It is still smoldering. ) ( Lily unbuttons her dress and examines the wound in her left shoulder. It is still bloody and very deep. She pulls at the boning in her corset. She struggles but pulls a piece free. She breaks it into a smaller piece and bites down on the end. She tugs at the hem of her skirt until she comes away with a long strand of thread. ) ( Lily wraps the thread around the makeshift needle she had made from the boning. She takes a moment, breathing deeply and looking at the sky, preparing herself for what she must do. She pushes the needle through the skin around her wound. She cries out, biting down on the bandage on her hand to stifle the sound. She makes several passes of the needle before she is done. She closes her eyes, her lashes wet with tears and falls backwards onto the grass, unconscious from the pain. ) [ EXT. Hell on Wheels – Same Day ] ( Men and women walk the muddy roads. The Swede and Dix are still searching for Bohannon. ) ( Bohannon, seeing the Swede draw closer, ducks into the church tent. ) [ INT. The Church Tent ] ( Bohannon stumbles backwards into the tent, kicking the flap closed. ) Cole (O.C.): Welcome, brother. ( Bohannon turns at the sound of REVEREND COLE's voice, startled. Cole looks over Bohannon's chains. ) Cole: You must be that fellow they're-they're looking to hang. ( Cole picks up the chains that manacle Bohannon and holds them in his hands. ) Cole: You know St. Peter himself was chained like this and condemned to die? And he was freed by an angel. ( Bohannon looks Cole up and down before wresting the chains back from the Reverend. His look is skiddish. ) Bohannon: I ain't no Saint Peter, sir. Cole: Yeah, and I'm no angel. ( Bohannon moves to the tent flap and peers out. ) ( The Swede is just outside but he hasn't seen Bohannon. ) ( Bohannon closes the flap. He is terrified. Cole moves to the flap and steps through. ) [ CUT TO: EXT. Just outside the Church Tent ] Cole: Peace be with you sir. Swede: ( shakes Cole's hand ) And with you, Reverend, and with you. [ CUT TO: INT. Church Tent; Bohannon dashes to the altar and picks up a heavy-looking cross. He readies himself to swing. ] [ CUT TO: EXT. Outside Church Tent ] Cole: I hear your prisoner escaped. Swede: ( nods ) Ja, we'll find him, it's just a matter of time. Cole: I'll be sure to keep an eye out for him. Swede: Careful he's a dangerous man. [ CUT TO: INT. Church Tent ] ( Bohannon is surprised but still stands ready to swing. ) [ CUT TO: EXT. Outside the Church Tent ] ( The Swede walks away, followed by Dix. Cole re-enters the tent. ) [ CUT TO: INT. Church Tent ] Cole: Brother, we need to talk. Bohannon: I thought you were going to turn me in. Cole: No, the Lord instructs me to give sanctuary, even to the condemned. Bohannon: Yeah? What he say about ( holds up his arms ) cutting off a pair of cuffs? ( Cole takes the cross from Bohannon. ) Cole: You're on your own there. ( Bohannon shrugs and looks away. Cole reaches out towards Bohannon, who recoils slightly. ) Cole: You know, you best set things in your heart before you go a-swinging, son. Bohannon: They ain't gonna hang me. Cole: ( chuckles ) Nevertheless, one day your name will be called and on that day, you must answer. ( Bohannon sighs and bends to pick up his hat. He taps on a chair to get rid of the dust. ) Bohannon: I know it. Cole: And what are you going to say? Bohannon: I did the best that I could in a bad time. Cole: Now see, I understand that. Better than you know. But it won't be good enough for him. So all you got to do ( gets on his knees ) is get down on your knees. Bohannon: I seen plenty of men get down on their knees and call His name out in terrible time. I seen their prayers answered by a bllet, more often than not. Cole: It's–it's hard to comprehend, son, I know and it's impossible sometimes. But He is here and His mercy knows no bounds. So, just bend them knees and ask for forgiveness. Bohannon: Nah, sir. I won't do it. ( Bohannon walks past Cole to the tent flap. ) Cole: ‘Cause the Lord took your faith? Bohannon: ‘Cause I don't deserve forgiveness. ( Bohannon steps out of the tent, leaving Cole alone, kneeling on the ground. ) [ INT. Mickey and Sean's Tent – Same Day ] ( Sean goes to a suitcase and pulls out a wad of cash from a secret flap. ) Mickey: Oi! We can't use that. Sean: Ma would understand. Mickey: What about next week? And the week after? This ain't gonna stop. There's nothing we can do about this bastard. Sean: That's what you said in Boston. Mickey: ( through gritted teeth ) I thought you said we never were to speak of that. Sean: ( smiles ) I got us out of that, I'll get us out of this. Mickey: But, how? ( Sean shrugs and smiles again. ) Sean: Don't know yet. We'll figure something. ( shaking money ) One day, we'll send this to Ma ( puts his hand on Mickey's shoulder ) and it will be as thick as a brick. ( Mickey smiles and nods. ) Sean: My hand to God. [ EXT/INT. Freedman's Tent – Same Day ] ( A man stands lookout, peering out the tent flap. Inside, Elam is attempting to break Bohannon's chains with a spike and a hammer. Elam's wrists are wrapped in thick scars. Bohannon winces with each strike of the hammer. He stares at Elam's scars. Elam notices and lifts his wrist. ) Elam: I had some jackrabbit in me too. Master gave me a nice pair of bracelets to sleep in. ( strike ) Somebody put you in chains, natural thing to do is to try to escape. ( strike ) Ain't I right? ( strike ) ( Bohannon doesn't respond. Elam stares back at him. He raises the hammer and it is uncertain if he will strike the spike or Bohannon. ) Elam: Ain't I right. ( Bohannon grits his teeth. ) Bohannon: ( begrudgingly ) Yeah, you're right. ( Elam strikes the chains and they break with a CLATTER. The lookout turns towards Elam. ) Lookout: They coming. Elam: You gonna make a run for it? Bohannon: I ain't leaving. ( He gets up. ) Elam: They'll find you. Bohannon: Not where I'm going. ( Bohannon crawls under the tent wall. ) [ EXT. Wilderness – Day ] ( Lily lies in the grass, fading in and out of consciousness. A large bird of prey circles overhead. ) [ CUT TO: HALLUCINATION – EXT. Survey Site – Day ] ( Robert sits in a field of tall grass, working on a map. He looks up at Lily. ) [ CUT TO: EXT. Wilderness – Day ] ( Lily gasps. ) [ CUT TO: HALLUCINATION – EXT. Field – Day ] ( She and Robert stand together in a field of yellow flowers. He holds her by the waist and they press their foreheads together, both smiling. ) [ CUT TO: EXT. Wilderness – Day ] ( Lily reaches out to her hallucination. ) [ CUT TO: HALLUCINATION – EXT. Field – Day ] ( Robert looks straight at Lily/camera before fading away, leaving behind the field of yellow flowers undulating in the wind. ) [ CUT TO: Wilderness – Day ] ( Lily looks up into the sky and sees three birds circling. ) [ CUT TO:EXT. Further upriver ] ( Pawnee kller and his men ride along the river. He stops at the SOUND of the birds and motions for his men to stop. They do. Pawnee kller turns to see the birds circling over a stand of trees. He cries out and wheels his horse around towards the trees. ) [ CUT TO: Stand of trees ] ( Lily, now sitting upright. Hears the men TALKING. She grabs the maps, gets to her feet, and hurries away. The men are getting closer. She looks back towards the trees. She doesn't see Joseph until he grabs her, covering her mouth. She tries to scream but her cries are muffled in his hand. She struggles against him but he holds her fast. ) ( Pawnee kller's party look through the trees but do not spot Joseph or Lily. ) ( Lily sees the men and stops struggling. ) [ EXT. Just outside Hell on Wheels – Same Day ] ( Durant and the Reporter have returned. The Swede rides up on a brown horse to meet them. He wheels his horse around and rides alongside Durant. He looks over the bodies in the buckboard. ) Swede: So it's true. ( Durant makes a sound in the affirmative. ) Swede: ( skeptical ) Everyone? Durant: Everyone but the woman. Swede: Them Injuns get her? Durant: I don't know. Get the word out, one hundred dollars reward for anyone who finds her. But, uh ( looks over his shoulder ) not a word about the maps. Swede: Yeah. ( The Swede looks over his shoulder as well. ) ( The wagon train arrives at Durant's car. He dismounts from his horse straight onto the platform of his car. One of his men take the horse away and Swede rides off. Durant takes off his gloves and enters his car. ) [ CUT TO: INT. Durant's car ] ( Durant takes off his hat and set his hat and gloves on his desk. Bohannon stands just behind the door of the car. Durant turns, confused but not startled to see him standing there. ) Bohannon: ( nods ) Mr. Durant. Durant: ( still confused ) Who the hell are you? Bohannon: Cullen Bohannon. ( holds up shackles ) The man they're looking to hang. Durant: For klling Johnson. ( nods ) I suppose you're here to tell me you're innocent. Bohannon: ( shakes head ) Nah, sir. ( bat ) I'm here to ask for his job. ( Durant's face shifts from confusion to shock. ) Durant: How do you put your trousers on, son? ( Now Bohannon is confused. ) Bohannon: Sir? Durant: Over those big balls of yours. ( Durant narrows his eyes. Bohannon smirks, mildly amused. He walks to the window and peers out behind the shade. He turns back to Durant, holding his hand up. He locks the door with the other hand, with an audible CLICK. ) Bohannon: Two minutes that's all I ask. ( Durant waits for a bat before going to his desk. He pulls out a small six-sht pstol and sets it on an open ledger. Bohannon works his jaw, unsure of what is to happen next. Durant opens and looks at his pocket watch. ) Durant: Two minutes. ( He sets the watch next to the gn. He sits behind his desk. Bohannon gestures to the gn with his hat. ) Bohannon: You fight in the wr, Mr. Durant? Durant: I served my country in other ways. Bohannon: Well, building this railroad ain't much different from a wr. You got an army out there and they need a leader. Durant: I take you fought for the South, ( drawls ) Mr. Bohannon. Bohannon: ( smirks ) Yes, sir. ( nods ) And that's exactly why you need to hire me. Durant: ( confused ) You're going to have to explain that to me. Bohannon: Can't remember a time I wasn't gn, outmanned, or outsupplied fighting you Yankees, ( steps forward ) but I damn sure whooped your asses more often than not. Durant: ( raises eyebrows ) Is that so? Bohannon: Yes, sir. My men rode to Hell and back for me, Mr. Durant. That's why you need me out here. Durant: What do you know about railroads? Bohannon: Well, I had to know how they was built so I could know could figure out best how to blow them up. You remember the Baltimore and Ohio Bridge over the Monocacy River? Durant: I built that bridge before the wr. Bohannon: ( chuckles ) Well, I blew the whole thing up using half a keg of blackpowder. ( Durant is clearly irritated and Bohannon tries a different tack. ) Bohannon: But I'm done destroying things, Mr. Durant. I want to help you build this railroad Durant: Why should I trust my railroad to a Grayback? ( Bohannon is more than a little irritated and frowns. ) Bohannon: You didn't have too much trouble trusting Graybacks when you was smuggling cotton out of Mississippi during the wr, now did you? ( Durant is incensed someone knows his secret. ) Durant: You walk a fine line, son. Bohannon: Forty miles, Mr. Durant. Ain't no secret you got to lay forty miles of usable track before your government money kicks in. Now, you and I both know that you ain't going to get there going at this rate. You don't get that $16,000 a mile, ( gestures to ceiling of car ) this whole thing goes belly up. ( bat ) You're fighting a wr, Mr. Durant. No doubt about it. You need me to help you win it. ( Bohannon and Durant regard each other for a moment. ) [ CUT TO: EXT. Outside Durant's car ] ( The Swede and his men are still searching for Bohannon. Bohannon steps out of Durant's car, Durant close behind. The Swede sees Bohannon and does a double take. He runs toward Bohannon. ) Swede: Son of a bitch. ( He cocks back the hammers on Beauty. Bohannon stops. ) Durant: What the hell are you doing man? Swede: ( almost gleeful ) That's the son of the bitch who klled Johnson. We gonna hang him. ( A few of the Freedmen stand on the other side of the tracks watching. Elam is among them. ) Durant: Nonsense. ( gestures to Bohannon ) This man is my new foreman. ( The Swede looks up Durant, very confused. ) Durant: Find me someone else to hang. ( Durant returns to his car. Bohannon stares down the Swede and walks towards him. The Swede keeps his gn up and pointed at Bohannon. Bohannon walks away. He passes Elam and taps the brim of his hat in salute. Elam nods to him, smiling. ) [ EXT. Hell on Wheels – That evening ] ( Bohannon walks towards the railroad office tent. Durant's man stands outside the tent. He looks Bohannon up and down. ) Durant's man: You're the new foreman? Bohannon: Yeah. ( The Swede stands nearby, though Bohannon does not notice him. ) Bohannon: ( nods towards tent ) Is Johnson's things still in there? Durant's man: Yeah. You want me to clear it out? Bohannon: Leave it. ( Bohannon walks into the tent. Durant's man tips his hat to Bohannon and walks away. ) Durant's man: Yes, sir. [ CUT TO: INT. Railroad office tent ] ( Bohannon takes off his hat as he ducks into the tent. He removes his coat, throwing it on the bed. Bohannon removes his Griswold from the holster on his belt. He sits in a chair and spins the cylinder of the gn, checking the chambers. He holsters the wapon and sighs. He looks around his new surroundings and spies a piece of fabric hanging out of his coat pocket. He pulls it out. It is the cross-stitch his wife had been working on in the flashback, though it has faded some. He runs his fingers over the stitches before bringing it to his nose and sniffing it. He closes his eyes. )	{"type": "series", "show": "Hell on Wheels", "episode": "01x02 - Immoral Mathematics"}	foreverdreaming
[ EXT. Establishing sht of Hell on Wheels at night; Johnson's former tent/office, now BOHANNON's ] [ CUT TO: INT–BOHANNON's tent/office ] ( BOHANNON is going through Johnson's things. He flips through books but doesn't find what he's looking for. He puts his fingers to his brow before opening a box. There are papers and newspaper clippings, one reading "Strange mrder in Capital: Union Veteran sht in Confessional". He sighs and then notices a secret panel in the lid of the box. It contains a picture of people at Lincoln's deathbed, Daniel Johnson in his Union captain's uniform, and a photo of a Union army company. ) ( BOHANNON remembers klling three of the men in the picture: Corporal Buckton Prescott in the confessional in Washington D.C., Private Wustner while he was in an outhouse, and Lieutenant Tanner while he lay in bed. Only one man remains, Sergeant Harper, but his face is blurred. BOHANNON folds the picture in half. ) [ EXT. Hell on Wheels, the next day ] ( The engine moves along the track as another day begins in Hell on Wheels. Blacksmiths forge in the open air and people go about their business. Reverend Nathaniel Cole is preaching to the people in Hell on Wheels from outside his church tent, though no one is paying much attention. Across the road, Mickey McGinnes dumps out a bucket while his brother, Sean, stands nearby outside their Magic Lantern Show tent. ) Cole: Good morning, sinners! I can say that because I'm a sinner too. I know the dark path of drink and debauchery. I traveled it well. Now, I'm on the path to God's light and I invite every last one of you to come along. All are welcome: black, white, sinner, or saint. ( to Mickey and Sean ) Even you papists. All are welcome in God's house. Mickey: Thank you, Father. I mean, Reverend. Sean: ( to MICKEY ) Glad our dear, sweet mother wasn't here to see that. Mickey: What? ( wipes hands on a cloth ) I was being polite. Why are you always on me arse? Sean: The house was half-full last night. It'll be half again tomorrow. Mickey: ( crosses arms ) What do you want me to do about it? Sean: Worry about it, like I do! The Swede'll come calling, you know. Sooner rather than later. Mickey: ( nudges SEAN ) That must be the new girl. The savage woman. ( Across the road, young woman with dark hair, EVA, is hanging laundry on a line. ) Sean: What d'ya mean? Mickey: Haven't you heard? Mr. Toole told me the whole story. She was but a girl, as white as we taken cptive years ago. Sold to the highest heathen bidder, she was. Some say she was a slve. Others claim she be an Indian princess. Sean: Oh, will you stop with your tall tales. She's just a whore, Mick. Mickey: Well, then go talk to her, you bastard. Make me a liar. ( nods in EVA's direction ) Go on. ( Sean walks towards EVA. He looks over his shoulder and MICKEY smiles at him. ) Sean: Good morning to you. ( She turns, revealing blue tattoos on her chin. SEAN is shocked. EVA yells at him in an Indian language. SEAN, terrified, backs up and trips, falling into the mud. He gets to his feet and runs back to MICKEY, who is laughing. EVA smiles for a moment. ) [ EXT. Outside BOHANNON's tent/office ] ( The railroad workers wait anxiously outside Bohannon's tent. The men talk amongst each other, separated into crews. ) Psalms: ( to the ngro cut crewmen ) Buy the man a drink first, that's what I hear. Buy the man a drink and take him out and goes savage as a meat axe on him, you hear me? Elam: He didn't kll Johnson. Psalms: ( to ELAM ) They's going to hang him. Elam: They didn't...yet. ( BOHANNON exits his tent and stops, surprised by the crowd gathered. MR. TOOLE steps forward ) Toole: ( removes his hat ) Hey, Mr. Bohannon, sir. Fine day, is it not? Bohannon: Fine or not, I guess we got a good day's work ahead of us, huh? ( puts on coat and addresses one of the walking bosses ) Mr. Kretschmar, I need that rail-end leveled down to the next marker. ( turns to TOOLE ) Mr. Toole, I need you and your men at the end of the iron. Looks like the train's bringing down that load of ties. Alright? Toole: Yes, sir, Mr. Bohannon, sir. Bohannon: ( turns to ELAM ) Elam, I need you and your men... ( points with hat ) Elam: ( interrupting ) It's Mr. Ferguson. Bohannon: ( clearly irritated ) Elam. ( pause ) You and your men get down in the cut. Swede (O.C.): I need men. ( rides up with BOLAN and Dix ) Men not afraid of the heathens. Men not afraid of making some money. Bohannon: What is this about? ( leans against tent pole ) Swede: The Fair-Haired Maiden of the West. ( looks hard at BOHANNON ) Mrs. Lily Bell. She has been taken cptive by the Cheyenne Dog Soldiers. And Mr. Durant has promised a bounty to the men who rescue her. Bohannon: Ain't nobody going nowheres or there won't be a job waiting for you when you get back. Swede: Dix will take a party north. Bolan south. ( starts pointing to different men in the crowd ) You. You, ja? You. Bohannon: I told you, I can't spare these men. ( The SWEDE wheels his horse and rides closer to BOHANNON. ) Swede: Mr. Durant wants her found. Bohannon: Mr. Durant wants a railroad built. Swede: ( pointing to two more men ) You and you. Bohannon: ( walks towards the SWEDE ) No, this ain't happening. Elam: Boss man, let ‘em go. We can do their work and our work. ( BOHANNON turns and nods. ) Bohannon: ( to the SWEDE ) You get your men and get the hell out of here. ( The SWEDE gestures with his head and he and his men leave. The crowd begins to disperse ) Bohannon: One more thing, I'm looking for a man named Harper. Frank Harper? He's a friend of Johnson's? Toole: I believe he's out with the logging crew. Bohannon: Where's that? Toole: Must be fifteen, twenty miles west of the cut by now. ( Crowd disperses to perform their different tasks. ELAM walks up to BOHANNON, who is unhitching his horse ) Elam: ( quietly ) Is that a bllet? Bohannon: What? Elam: What you got for Sergeant Harper. Bohannon: Ain't you got some work to do? ( climbs in saddle ) Yours and theirs? Get to it. [ EXT. Establishing sht of DURANT's train car ] [ CUT TO: INT–DURANT's train car ] ( The TELEGRAPH OPERATOR is sending telegrams while DURANT reads over documents and the YOUNG ENGINEER works on a map. The SWEDE stands in front of DURANT's desk. ) Swede: People, they are scared. The Indian mssacre. They seen the bodies. Heard the stories. Your stories. Durant: I need troops. Swede: Seven men we lost last night. Left the employ of the Union Pacific; some on the train, others just run off. More tonight I expect. Seems the men prefer to keep their scalps on their heads. Durant: ( to YOUNG ENGINEER ) Are you afraid? Young Engineer: No, sir, Mr. Durant. Durant: ( to TELEGRAPH OPERATOR ) What about you? Telegraph Operator: Well, as a matter of fact, I-I... Durant: Enough. ( to YOUNG ENGINEER ) Now, why do you want to shit on my railroad? Young Engineer: ( nervously points to map of route ) Uh, well, under our current pace, uh, we won't make the forty mile mark so what uh I would propose is uh we ( draws imaginary line through map ) straighten the route. Durant: The route remains the same. Young Engineer: But Mr. Durant as I understand it, the deadline's been pushed up and in light Central Pacific's recent advances... Durant: ( forcefully ) Keep to the plan. I'll make it a reality. Young Engineer: Yes, sir, Mr. Durant. ( The SWEDE stands by, smiling ) Durant: You're amused? Swede: No, sir. I'm just looking forward to watching yet again as you smite the forces agin' you. Durant: The search continues? Swede: For the maps? Yeah. ( nods ) Durant: For the woman, Lily Bell. Swede: I've got my men out, despite Mr. Bohannon. Durant: Still more concerned about your kller than my railroad. Swede: No, sir. But whoever cut Daniel Johnson's throat is of ongoing concern. Durant: More importantly, is my new foreman building my railroad? Swede: He is. Yet, there is something about the man that does not quite add up. Durant: ( sighs, exasperated and turns to TELEGRAPH OPERATOR ) To: Jordan Crane, Washington D.C. Stop. ( holds brow ) Honorable Senator. Work continues at a fever pace. Stop. [ CUT TO: EXT–Woods somewhere outside Hell on Wheels ] Durant (V.O.): However, hostile native action thrat progress. Stop. The march of civilization in jeopardy. Stop. To heal the nation we must displace the savage. Stop. Otherwise the savage will displace us. ( It is drizzling and JOSEPH BLACK MOON rides with LILY BELL. She is unconscious and very pale. ) Joseph: Mrs. Bell. ( no response ) Mrs. Bell? ( pulls horse to a stop ) Woah, woah. ( JOSEPH pulls LILY from the saddle and lays her on the ground. He kneels over her and removes his hat. He inspects her wounds. He hears the click of a rfle. He turns to see BOHANNON looking down the barrel of a Henry rfle. ) Bohannon: You speak English? Joseph: Yes, sir. Bohannon: ( gestures with rfle ) Move. Who are you? Joseph: Joseph Black Moon. Bohannon: Cheyenne? Joseph: Christian. ( he approaches BOHANNON ) Bohannon: Woah, woah, woah. Hold steady. ( pats down JOSEPH ) Joseph: I'm unarmed, sir. Bohannon: What did you do to her? Joseph: ( confused ) I-I didn't do... Bohannon: Hey, what did you do to her? Joseph: I saved her. Bohannon: ( incredulously ) From the Indians? Joseph: Yes, sir. She took an arrow to the shoulder. I'm trying to take her to the railroad to see the doctor. ( BOHANNON looks skeptical. He kneels next to LILY and removes his hat. He feels her forehead and pulls back the neckline of her dress to examine her wound. ) Bohannon: When this happen? Joseph: Two, maybe three days ago. ( BOHANNON takes out a hip flask and takes a swig. ) Bohannon: My horse, there's a field kit in the saddle bag. ( JOSEPH goes and gets the field kit. BOHANNON opens his pocketknife. ) Joseph: Here. ( hands the kit to BOHANNON ) Bohannon: Hold her down. ( JOSEPH holds down LILY by the right shoulder. BOHANNON cuts open LILY's sutures with a pocketknife. LILY comes to. ) [ CUT TO LILY's perspective: Spinning tree tops and suddenly BOHANNON and JOSEPH's faces. BOHANNON takes another swig from the flask, liquid dripping from his lips. ] [ CUT TO regular perspective: LILY looks down at her shoulder and screams. ] [ CUT TO LILY's perspective ] Bohannon: Hoah! Hold her down. Shh shh! Stop! Stop! [ CUT TO regular perspective: BOHANNON digs in LILY's shoulder with a medical tool while she screams in agony. ] Bohannon: Hold on. ( BOHANNON pulls out a small shard of the arrowhead from her wound. She gasps in relief. ) [ EXT. The cut ] ( The ngro cut crew are digging the cut in the heat of the day. PSALMS, stripped down to his pants and suspenders, is complaining loudly to anyone who will listen while using a sledgehammer. ) Psalms: Now, the man say we got to do our work and theirs. But I ask ya, why ain't that ngro ass down here with us? Y'all know who he is, that's all I'm saying. Back in the day, them days was bad, don't get me wrong. Master drove me hard. Nearly drove me to the grave. You hear me? Some things was better back then, at least you knew your place. ( ELAM walks up and stands above PSALMS on the side of the cut. ) Elam: Psalms! Less talk, more work. ( PSALMS stares up at ELAM and sticks the sledgehammer into the dirt. ) Elam: Bust me some stone, ngro. Psalms: How ‘bout I bust me your head? ( ELAM walks down into the cut and stands in front of PSALMS. ) Elam: You got something to say to me? Psalms: Yes, I do. Elam: What would that be? Psalms: ( to other men ) How come we got to do the white man work, huh? Oh, that's right. ‘Cause you think you is the white man. Not the high yella house nggr you is. ( explsin in the background. ELAM and PSALMS stare each other down. ELAM picks up a sledgehammer. The other men watch ELAM and match his pace. ) Elam: We got to do their work and our work but this ain't for them. This is for us. White man ain't gonna give you nothing. ‘Cause they want us to fall. They all want us to fall. [ EXT. Woods outside Hell on Wheels ] ( It has started to drizzle and JOSEPH is building a small fre. BOHANNON carries LILY and places her on the ground. She is unconscious. He feels her forehead and touches a strand of her hair, looking down at her. He stands and moves to his horse. He mounts. ) Joseph: Hey. Sir, you leaving? Bohannon: Yep, somewheres I gotta be. ( stars down path ) Joseph: Thank you, for helping her. Bohannon: Yep. ( BOHANNON starts to ride off but stops, thinks, and wheels his horse back around. ) Bohannon: ( to himself ) Dammit. ( to JOSEPH ) You haven't thought this thing through, have you? Joseph: What do you mean? Bohannon: Indian brings that woman back to town, Indian don't get out alive. Joseph: ( genuinely confused ) But I live there. At the church. ( he stands ) Bohannon: You don't get it do you, boy? They brought them back in yesterday on a buckboard. Everybody seen what they did to them bodies. ( JOSEPH sighs and looks away. ) Bohannon: Why cut ‘em up? Huh? What do your people get out of it? Joseph: You're people have done much worse. Bohannon: ( chuckles ) Huh. Maybe. ( swings off out of his saddle ) Maybe. ( hitches horse ) But that ain't gonna keep them from skinning your ass you bring that white woman back to town. ( puts his hands on his hips and sighs ) I'll have to take her. ( BOHANNON kneels by the fre. JOSEPH storms over to his horse, mounts, and rides away. ) [ EXT. Hell on Wheels, night ] ( PSALMS, ELAM, and other members of the ngro cut crew are walking through town after a hard day of work. ) Psalms: Explain to me why I work harder than them and they go to bed with three dollars more in their pocket than I do. Don't make a lick of sense. Elam: It don't. We work as hard as them, right? Psalms: Damn right. Elam: Then why don't we get the same reward? ( He indicates the whore house. ) Psalms: You crazy. Elam: We deserve a taste, too. Huh? Psalms: We can't go in there. Elam: You ain't one of them nasty boys is you, Psalms? Now, I know you get horny. I hear you back behind that tent every night. ( everyone laughs ) Damn, boy, you gonna go blind. ( More laughter. ) Psalms: ( sarcastically ) Heh heh heh. ( to ELAM ) Lookee here, you go in there, ( points to whore house ) you coming out on the bad end of a rope Elam: You ain't scared, is ya? Psalms: You're damn right I'm scared. Elam: Well, I ain't. ( ELAM grabs the brim of his hat in farwell and walks away. ) [ INT. Whore house ] ( Several men are laughing. TOOLE is finishing a story. ) Toole: She had a face like a hatchet and an ass like a Venus, I tell you. ( The men stop talking as soon as they see ELAM. ) Toole: What do you want, you mule-colored bastard? Elam: To spend some hard-earned money, same as you. Toole: ( to men ) "Same as me," he says. ( to ELAM ) Have you looked in the mirror lately, Mr. Ferguson? You think we the same, well then you got a big surprise coming I tell ya. ( to men ) Face like a coal scuttle he has. Elam: Why don't you just mind your damn business. Toole: You the man to make me? ( EVA is standing in the doorway leading to the cribs. ) Eva: Well, if ain't Mr. Toole. Watch out, ladies, he's back. ( chuckles ) We call him the Blade, for he'll gut you like a trout. ( She walks up to ELAM. ) Eva: And who would you be? Elam: You're next customer. ( She laughs in his face. ) Toole: Look at him. Can't even land a cheap ass whore been plugged by every heathen buck in the territory. ( EVA's smile has dropped. ELAM puts his hat on and leaves. EVA sadly watches him go. ) [ EXT. BOHANNON and LILY's camp in the woods outside Hell on Wheels ] ( BOHANNON is tending the fre. LILY awakes and sits up. She looks around. ) Bohannon: ( holds up Robert Bell's map case ) Is this what you're looking for? ( He tosses it to her and she holds it. ) Lily: My shoulder's feeling much better. ( no response ) Where's Joseph? Bohannon: He took off. Lily: Why? Bohannon: Ma'am, it is way too late and way too wet to be trying to figure out some Indian, alright? Lily: I regret we haven't been properly introduced. Bohannon: Cullen Bohannon. I work for the railroad. ( He stands and goes to lie down. ) Lily: Have I done something? Bohannon: It ain't what you done, it's who you are. Lily: What do you mean? ( He looks at her for the first time in the conversation. ) Bohannon: You ain't whore nor squaw. You shouldn't be out here. Lily: You don't know who I am or what I'm capable of. Bohannon: No, I don't and I sure as hell don't care. ( He turns over to go to sleep, leaving LILY to sit alone by the fre. ) [ EXT. Establishing sht of DURANT's car ] [ CUT TO: INT–DURANT's car ] ( DURANT is reading telegrams from Sen. Crane and drinking. ) Durant: "Request for military support to be taken under advisement. Very concerned regarding lack of progress. Need to understand impact of surveyor loss." The Honorable Senator is very concerned. If he were in my shoes he'd be downright suicidal. ( Goes to pour another drink but misses the glass and pours on the table. ) Durant: Damn! ( sighs ) Henri! ( HENRI, DURANT's French ngro servant enters the room. DURANT gestures at the spill on the table. HENRI sighs and frowns as he mops up the spilled alcohol. ) Durant: Your look of disdain reminds me of my dear wife back in New York. ( HENRI goes and gets DURANT's coat and helps him slip it on. ) Durant: What Hannah failed to grasp, is that where most men seek the warm glow that only whiskey can provide, I imbibe to fuel the conflagration. There's a fre in my belly which must be fed. Otherwise, we'll never see the Pacific. ( DURANT walks to the end of the car to exit. ) Henri: And did your wife accept this excuse, Monsieur Durant? ( DURANT stops and turns. ) Durant: As a matter of fact, she didn't. [ EXT. Road in Hell on Wheels ] ( DURANT strolls along boardwalk looking in a tent where men are drinking. He steps off the end into a big puddle. He turns at the sound of a woman laughing. It is EVA, who is dumping a bucket into the street. He regains his composure. He sees the McGinnes Brothers' Magic Lantern Show and walks towards it. ) [ INT. McGinnes Brother's Magic Lantern Show tent ] ( SEAN is counting money under a banner that lists admission at 5¢. MICKEY is putting up the benches. DURANT enters the tent. ) Mickey: Sorry, mate. You missed the last show I'm afraid. Durant: Oh, very well, I see. ( turns to go ) Sean: Mr. Durant, sir, an honor and a pleasure. ( SEAN enthusiastically shakes his hand. ) Durant: Quite an establishment you've got here. I'm only sorry you're closed for the night. Mickey: Our next show begins at dusk tomorrow. Sean: Quiet, you daft bastard. This is Thomas "Doc" Durant. A private view he'll be having Durant: Thank you. Ah, how much? Mickey: That'll be five... Sean: ( cuts of MICKEY ) Dollars. Going rate for a private show. ( DURANT chuckles but holds out the money. SEAN takes it. ) Sean: Mickey, show time. ( MICKEY flips over a bench and dims the lamps. ) Sean: I have followed your exploits and investments since I got off the boat. How you rose up from nothing, pulled yourself up by your bootstraps. You're a gentleman and a true capitalist. ( lights magic lantern and puts in the first slide ) Durant: Thank you. Durant: ( peers at image projected ) Hmm. I assume you two are immigrants from this beautiful country? Mickey: Aye. County Wicklow, to be exact. Sean: We left our sweet mother and four brothers and set out for the New World to seek our fortune. Durant: You left a beautiful life to come and wallow in this filth and squalor and muck. Mickey: Well, it beats starving to death. Durant: No, but you could have remained in New York or Boston or Chicago. There's plenty of work to be had. Yet you chose to come here. It makes me wonder why. Sean: Not quite sure what you mean, sir. Durant: Well, you and thousands like have followed me out here and I'm genuinely curious, why? Sean: Well, sir...it seemed a proper investment of our time and efforts. Mickey: That's not it at all. I remember it well, like it was yesterday. Sean: What are you talking about? Durant: What is it you remember? Mickey: ( smiles ) We were just lads, me and Sean. Never been much further afield than the bit a land our father worked, God rest him. And one day, we heard the whistle. ( laughs ) It was the Dublin Special on its daily run. Well, we jumped the steaming bastard. It took us all the way to the city. ( laughs ) Sean: Yes, I remember. I never felt so free. Durant: The railroad gave you freedom? Mickey: Aye. And our father gave us the whipping of a lifetime. [ EXT. Establishing sht of Hell on Wheels ] [ CUT TO: INT–Church tent ] ( COLE is making coffins surrounded by the bodies of the men that were klled in the mssacre. JOSEPH enters and is horrified by the bodies in the tent. COLE looks up and then back at his work. ) Cole: I prayed you'd stay away, my son. Joseph: This is my home. Cole: Not a very safe one right now for one born out of the Grace of God. Joseph: ( confused ) But I'm baptized, Father. Cole: Yeah, well, that does not always sway the cruel prejudice of others. It's not your fault. Joseph: ( clearly upset ) But it is. They were from my band. Our Dog Soldiers, they're the ones that did this. Cole: Your family had nothing to do with this. Joseph: I recognized the arrows, Father. It was my brother. ( shakes head ) Cole: You must tell no one. Never speak of this again. Joseph: But it's the truth! Cole: Never. [ INT. JOSEPH's quarters ] ( JOSEPH cuts his hair using a tiny mirror hanging on a tent post. ) [ EXT. BOHANNON and LILY's camp, the next day ] ( LILY smothers the fre by kicking dirt into the smoldering ashes. She holds the map case and looks up to see BOLAN and two men ride up. She clutches the case. ) Bolan: Well, there you are, kitty cat. Lily: What do you want? [ CUT TO: BOHANNON is in the woods smoking a cigar and turns at the sound of voices. He sees BOLAN and LILY. ] [ CUT TO: LILY and BOLAN ] Bolan: Oh, we want you. We've been searching over hill and dale for the Fair-Haired Maiden of the West. We come to rescue you. Lily: I'm quite alright. Bolan: No, you ain't. You barely escaped mssacre. You've been held cptive. You been sullied by the heathen. Lily: You are out of order, sir. Bolan: Listen, you ain't come with us, we ain't get compensated. Oh, yeah, there's a bounty on your head now, one hundred gold eagles. [ CUT TO: BOHANNON eases his pstol out of the holster. ] [ CUT TO: LILY and BOLAN ] Bolan: ( to one of the men ) Go ahead. ( The man dismounts and approaches LILY with his pstol drawn. LILY responds by pulling a Knfe from the map case. ) Bolan: Easy now, girl. You just take it easy. Lily: Stay back. Bolan: Easy now. Lily: Stay back! Bolan: Now, you're making this a lot more unpleasant than it has to be. ( BOHANNON sht, calmly taking out the two men with BOLAN. BOLAN sht back but misses completely. BOHANNON levels his pstol at BOLAN and sht him in the ear. He walks over and is about to sht BOLAN again when LILY bolts on horseback. ) Bohannon: ( takes cigar from his mouth ) Mrs. Bell! Dammit. ( He mounts his horse to pursue. ) Bohannon: ( to horse ) Come on! Bolan: ( clutching the side of his head ) My ear. My...my ear! Where is it? ( BOHANNON catches up to LILY and takes her reigns. ) Bohannon: ( pulling LILY's horse to a stop ) Woah, woah, hold up there. ( LILY dismounts and staggers away from the horses. She falls to her knees and weeps. BOHANNON dismounts and stands awkwardly with the horses. ) [ EXT. Hell on Wheels ] ( It is raining and men are hauling coffins to the makeshift cemetery, where plots have been readied for the coffins. COLE plunges a wooden cross over one of the graves. ) Cole (V.O.): Death's no stranger to this Godforsaken place. Death abides in the hard labor of a rail gng or the searing heat of a prairie fre. Death abides in the bottom of a whiskey bottle or at the smoking end of a gn. There's death by famine, flood, or pestilence or a thousand other ways but, yes brothers, Death abides and he will reap his dark harvest. [ EXT. Somewhere outside Hell on Wheels ] [ CUT TO: BOHANNON and LILY ride together, BOHANNON still holding the reigns of LILY's horse. ] Cole (V.O.): But must we be Death's accomplice? Must we do his bidding? [ CUT TO: INT–Church tent ] ( A large crowd has gathered for the memorial for those slain in the mssacre. COLE is speaking in front of the crowd. ) Cole: I know that your hearts seek vengeance for the deaths of those men. I know, that but haven't we had our fill of wr? Our fill of klling? The shedding of blood? ( picks up small Bible and kisses it ) "And they will hammer their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nations will not lift up swords against nation and never again will they learn wr." Never again. It's Isaiah, chapter two, verse four Durant: ( speaking from second to last row ) "Wake up the mighty men that all the men of wr draw near. Hammer your plowshares into swords and your pruning hooks into spears." ( stands ) Joel, chapter three, verse ten. I too am sick of wr, Reverend ( moves to the front of the tent ) but we must constantly ask ourselves what are we fighting for? ( EVA is looking at ELAM sadly ) Durant: What is worth laying our lives on the line for? Robert Bell gave his life for this undertaking. This grand idea. And I assure you he did not give his life in vain. For he knew what this railroad would mean to us as a nation. He knew that this railroad is a new birth of freedom. Not just the freedom of long-distance travel but the freedom to chose your fate. The freedom to make your fortunes in this untamed land. And we cannot let that freedom be thrat by ragtag bands of marauding, Stone Age primitives. ( looks towards COLE and JOSEPH ) But that is not to say that there is not a peaceful solution. If they will put down their sticks and stones and come into the fold like-like this young man here, ( walks toward JOSEPH ) then we will talk peace. Look at him, wearing our clothes, ( touches JOSEPH's coat ) speaking our language, washed in the blood of our Savior. If these violent nomads roaming the plains are willing to do as he has done then there is very real hope that we might accomplish our mission peacefully. ( points emphatically ) If not, then they are the authors of their own destruction. [ EXT. On the outskirts of Hell on Wheels ] ( LILY and BOHANNON ride past the cemetery. ) Lily: It's been months since I've seen such a... Bohannon: Shit hole? Hoah. ( pulls horses to a stop and gives reigns back to LILY ) You be alright from here? Lily: You're not talking me in? Bohannon: There's a church and a doctor straight on up ahead. ( wheels his horse to go ) Lily: Wait. What about the bounty? Bohannon: I told you, I got business to attend to. Cheyenne territory. Got ‘bout four hours of daylight left. Gotta move. ( spurs his horse into motion ) Lily: Mr. Bohannon! ( He doesn't even turn to acknowledge her. )	{"type": "series", "show": "Hell on Wheels", "episode": "01x03 - A New Birth of Freedom"}	foreverdreaming
[Rebecca riding bus and then running into a school. Meets up with Melanie] Melanie: Why are you late? Rebecca: You’re not going to like the answer. Melanie: I already know the answer. Rebecca: I missed the bus. Melanie: I don’t doubt it, no bus stops near Brad’s. You spent the night, the alarm didn’t work. Or maybe it did. Rebecca: I didn’t sleep with him. Melanie: Girl, there’s...[Interrupted] Rebecca: I missed the bus! Melanie: There’s something either very wrong with you, or there’s something very wrong with him. Rebecca: There’s nothing wrong with him. Melanie: Please tell me you know that for a fact. Rebecca: Melanie, I gotta go. Melanie: You’re lying aren’t you? Rebecca: I wouldn’t lie to you. [Turns to class of 5 year olds] Good morning guys! Class: Good morning Miss Rebecca! Rebecca: Everybody’s in their seats? Class: Yes! Rebecca: Ok, Sidney, why don’t you tell us what you did this weekend. Come on, Sidney, we know you’re not shy. Sidney: How come we always have to tell you what we did, and you never tell us what you did? Class: [giggles] Rebecca: Ok, I had a really great weekend, but you can’t tell Miss Melanie, ok? Sidney: What did you do? Rebecca: I made a new friend. It’s so much fun to make new friends, isn’t it? Class: Yeah, Yes, etc. Girl 2: Did you tell you mom and dad about your new friend? Rebecca: Absolutely! You should never keep anything from your parents. And I told them [gibberish] Class: [giggles] Rebecca: Wh.. Class [more giggles] Rebecca: [gibberish] Class: [Laughs and giggles] [Rebecca goes to the board and starts writing] Class: C, A, T, H Sidney: “The.” Boy: We know that word, “the.” [Rebecca collapses, on the board the words “call the nurse” are written] (Evil commercials…bane of my existence!) [House and Wilson are walking through the hallway. All you can see is their hands and legs, showing that House is using a cane and limping. Wilson is the only one of the two wearing a lab coat.] Wilson: 29 year old female, first seizure one month ago, lost the ability to speak. Babbled like a baby. Present deterioration of mental status. House: See that? They all assume I’m a patient because of this cane. Wilson: So put on a white coat like the rest of us. House: I don’t want them to think I’m a doctor. Wilson: You see where the administration might have a problem with that attitude. House: People don’t want a sick doctor. Wilson: Fair enough. I don’t like healthy patients. The 29 year old female… House: The one who can’t talk, I liked that part. Wilson: She’s my cousin. House: And your cousin doesn’t like the diagnosis. I wouldn’t either. Brain tumor, she’s gonna die, boring. Wilson: No wonder you’re such a renowned diagnostician. You don’t need to actually know anything to figure out what’s wrong. House: You’re the oncologist; I’m just a lowly infectious disease guy. Wilson: Hah, yes, just a simple country doctor. Brain tumors at her age are highly unlikely. House: She’s 29. Whatever she’s got is highly unlikely. Wilson: Protein markers for the three most prevalent brain cancers came up negative. House: That’s an HMO lab; you might as well have sent it to a high school kid with a chemistry set. Wilson: No family history. House: I thought your uncle died of cancer. Wilson: Other side. No environmental factors. House: That you know of. Wilson: And she’s not responding to radiation treatment. House: None of which is even close to dispositive. All it does is raise one question. Your cousin goes to an HMO? Wilson: Come on! Why leave all the fun for the coroner? What’s the point of putting together a team if you’re not going to use them? You’ve got three overqualified doctors working for you. Getting bored. [Cut to Rebecca, into the nose, and up the blood stream. Cut to House looking through an MRI of Rebecca’s head.] Foreman: It’s a lesion. House: And the big green thing in the middle of the bigger blue thing on a map is an island. I was hoping for something a bit more creative. Foreman: Shouldn’t we be speaking to the patient before we start diagnosing? House: Is she a doctor? Foreman: No, but… House: Everybody lies. Cameron: Dr. House doesn’t like dealing with patients. Foreman: Isn’t treating patients why we became doctors? House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors, treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable. Foreman: So you’re trying to eliminate the humanity from the practice of medicine. House: If we don’t talk to them they can’t lie to us, and we can’t lie to them. Humanity is overrated. I don’t think it’s a tumor. Foreman: First year of medical school if you hear hoof beats you think “horses” not “zebras”. House: Are you in first year of medical school? No. First of all, there’s nothing on the CAT scan. Second of all, if this is a horse then the kindly family doctor in Trenton makes the obvious diagnosis and it never gets near this office. Differential diagnosis, people: if it’s not a tumor what are the suspects? Why couldn’t she talk? Chase: Aneurysm, stroke, or some other ischemic syndrome. House: Get her a contrast MRI. Cameron: Creutzfeld-Jakob disease. Chase: Mad cow? House: Mad zebra. Foreman: Wernickie's encephalopathy? House: No, blood thiamine level was normal. Foreman: Lab in Trenton could have screwed up the blood test. I assume it’s a corollary if people lie, that people screw up. House: Re-draw the blood tests. And get her scheduled for that contrast MRI ASAP. Let’s find out what kind of zebra we’re dealing with here. [Cut to House standing at the elevator, he sees Cuddy and presses the down button twice] Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office 20 minutes ago. House: Really? Well, that’s odd, because I had no intention of being in your office 20 minutes ago. Cuddy: You think we have nothing to talk about? House: No, just that I can’t think of anything that I’d be interested in. Cuddy: I sign your paychecks. House: I have tenure. Are you going to grab my cane now, stop me from leaving? Cuddy: That would be juvenile. [Both enter the elevator] Cuddy: I can still fre you if you’re not doing your job. House: I’m here from 9 to 5. Cuddy: Your billings are practically nonexistent. House: Rough year. Cuddy: You ignore requests for consults. House: I call back. Sometimes I misdial. Cuddy: You’re 6 years behind on your obligation to this clinic. House: See, I was right, this doesn’t interest me. Cuddy: 6 years, times 3 weeks; you owe me better than 4 months. House: It’s 5:00. I’m going home. Cuddy: To what? House: Nice. Cuddy: Look, Dr. House, the only reason that I don’t fre you is because your reputation still worth something to this hospital. House: Excellent, we have a point of agreement. You aren’t going to fre me. Cuddy: Your reputation won’t last up if you don’t do your job. The clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job. House: Well, like the philosopher Jagger once said, “You can’t always get what you want.” [Scene of hospital from above, cut to hallway, Rebecca in wheelchair with Cameron, Chase, and Foreman around.] Rebecca: You’re not my doctor. Are you Dr. House? Chase: Thankfully no. I’m Dr. Chase. Cameron: Dr. House is the head of diagnostic medicine. He’s very busy, but he has taken a keen interest in your case. [Cut to MRI room, Rebecca is on the table] Foreman: We inject gadolinium into a vein. It distributes itself throughout your brain and acts as a contrast material for the magnetic resonance imagery. Cameron: Basically, whatever’s in your head, lights up like a Christmas tree. Foreman: It might make you feel a little light-headed. Nurse: Dr. Cameron. I’m sorry I have to stop you, there’s a problem. [Cut to House, busting into Cuddy’s office] House: You pulled my authorization. Cuddy: Yes, why are you yelling? House: No MRIs, no imaging studies, no labs. Cuddy: You also can’t make long distance phone calls. House: If you’re gonna fre me at least have the guts to face me. Cuddy: Or photocopies; you’re still yelling. House: I’m ANGRY! You’re risking a patient’s life. Cuddy: I assume those are two separate points. House: You showed me disrespect, you embarrassed me and as long as I’m still work here you have…[interrupted] Cuddy: Is your yelling designed to scare me because I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be scared of. More yelling? That’s not scary. That you’re gonna hurt me? That’s scary, but I’m pretty sure I can outrun ya. Cuddy: Oh, I looked into that philosopher you quoted, Jagger, and you’re right, “You can’t always get what you want,” but as it turns out “if you try sometimes you get what you need.” House: So, because you want me to treat patients, you aren’t letting me treat patients. Cuddy: I need you to do your job. [House comes out of Cuddy’s office; Wilson and the ducklings are there] House: Do the MRI, she folded. [Ducklings leave, House turns to Wilson] I’ve gotta do four hours a week in this clinic until I make up the time I’ve missed. 2054. I’ll be caught up in 2054. [He walks into the clinic] You better love this cousin a whole lot. [Cut back to MRI room Rebecca is back on the table. She is pushed into the machine.] Cameron: All right Rebecca, [over intercom] we know you may feel a little claustrophobic in there, but we need you to remain still. Chase: [over intercom] Ok, we’re gonna begin. [Machine starts up and makes weird sounds] Rebecca: I don’t feel so good. Chase: It’s all right. Just try to relax. [Rebecca starts choking. Cool sht of inside her throat. You can see that it closes up] Cameron: Rebecca? [over intercom] Rebecca? [back in booth] Rebecca! Get her out of there. Chase: Ah she probably fell asleep; she’s exhausted. Cameron: She was claustrophobic 30 seconds ago, she’s not sleeping. We gotta get her out of there! Chase: It’ll just be another minute. Cameron: She’s having an allergic reaction to gadolinium. She’ll be dad in two minutes. Foreman: Hold her neck. Cameron: Oh, she’s ashen. Foreman: She’s not breathing. Epi point five. Cameron: Come on, I can’t ventilate. Foreman: Too much edema, where’s the surgical airway kit? Chase: Yep, coming. [Cool cutting into Rebecca’s neck sounds, and real colored blood for a change. They get her bagged.] Chase: Good call. (And we’re back to commercials…blah…) [Cut into hospital room, next day. Rebecca has a ventilator hooked up to her, and the ducklings are present] Chase: We’ll get that tube out of your throat later today. Cameron: Just get some rest for now. [They leave to hallway, House is there.] House: Told you, can’t trust people. Cameron: She probably knew she was allergic to gadolinium, figured it was an easy way to get someone to cut a hole in her throat. House: Can’t get a picture, gonna have to get a thousand words. Foreman: You actually want me to talk to the patient? Get a history? House: We need to know if there’s some genetic or environmental causes triggering an inflammatory response. Foreman: I thought everybody lied? House: Truth begins in lies. Think about it. Foreman: That doesn’t mean anything,does it? [House walks away] [House enters the clinic…dun dun dun!] House: 12:52 PM Dr. House checks in, please write that down. Do you have cable TV here somewhere? General Hospital starts in 8 minutes. Cuddy: No TV, but we’ve got patients. House: Can’t you give out the aspirin yourself? I’ll do paperwork. Cuddy: I made sure your first case was an interesting one. House: Cough just won’t go away, runny nose looks a funny color. Cuddy: Patient admitted complaining of back spasms. House: I think I read about something like that in the New England Journal of Medicine. Cuddy: Patient is orange. House: The color? Cuddy: No, the fruit. House: You mean yellow; it’s jaundice. Cuddy: I mean orange. House: Well, how orange? Cuddy: Exam room 1. [Cut to House in exam room 1 with Orange Guy] Orange Guy: I was playing golf and my cleat got stuck. I mean, it hurt a little but I kept playing. The next morning I could barely stand up. Well, you’re smiling so I take it that means this isn’t serious. [House takes out his pills] Orange Guy: What’s that? What are you doing? House: Painkillers. Orange Guy: Oh, for you, for your leg. House: No, ‘cause they’re yummy. You want one? It’ll make your back feel better. [Guy nods and House gives him a painkiller] House: Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair. Orange Guy: What?! House: You’re orange, you moron! It’s one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn’t picked up on the fact that her husband has changed color, she’s just not paying attention. By the way, do you consume just a ridiculous amount of carrots and mega-dose vitamins? [Guy nods] House: The carrots turn you yellow, the niacin turns you red. Get some finger-paints and do the math. And get a good lawyer. [House leaves the room] [Cut to House in another exam room, this time with a little boy] House: Deep breath. Little boy: It’s cold. House: Has he been using his inhaler? Mother: Not in the past few days. He’s, um, only ten. I worry about children taking such strong medicine so frequently. Little boy: What happened to your leg? [After saying this the little boy starts to wheeze a little, and continues throughout the entire time that House is talking.] House: Your doctor probably was concerned about the strength of the medicine, too. She probably weighed that danger against the danger of not breathing. Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don’t you think? Ok, I’m gonna assume that no body’s ever told you what asthma is, or if they have, you had other things on your mind. A stimulant triggers cells in your child’s airways to release substances that inflame the air passages and cause them to contract. Mucus production increases, cell-lining starts to shed. But the steroids, the steroids…stop the inflammation. The more often this happens…[trails off and starts to leave the room] Mother: What? “The more often this happens…”what?” House: Forget it. If you don’t trust steroids, you shouldn’t trust doctors. [House leaves] [Cut to Rebecca’s room] Rebecca: My mother passed away three years ago. She had a heart attck, and my father broke his back doing construction. [Cameron’s pager goes off] Cameron: It’s House, it’s urgent. I’m sorry. [They go outside the room and see House waiting for them there] Cameron: You couldn’t have knocked? House: Steroids. Give her steroids, high doses of prednisone. Foreman: You’re looking for support for a diagnosis of cerebral vasculitus. Cameron: Inflammation of the blood vessels in the brain is awfully rare. Especially for someone her age. House: So is a tumor. Her SED rate was elevated. Foreman: Mildly. Cameron: That could mean anything, or nothing. House: Yeah, I know. I have no reason to think that it’s vasculitus except that it could be. If the blood vessels were inflamed that’s gonna look exactly like what we saw on the MRI from Trenton County, and the pressure’s gonna cause neurological symptoms. Cameron: You can’t diagnose that without a biopsy. House: Yes, we can, we treat it. If she gets better we know that we’re right. Cameron: And if we’re wrong? House: We learn something else. [Cut to overview of hospital, and then back into Rebecca’s room] Rebecca: Why steroids? Chase: Just part of your treatment. You haven’t had many visitors. No boyfriend? Rebecca: Three dates. I wouldn’t have stood by him if her were vomiting all day. Chase: Well, what abut work? You must have friends from work. Rebecca: Pretty much everybody I like is 5 years old. A nurse said you’re stopping my radiation. Chase: We’re just trying some alternative medications. So, where’s your family from then? Rebecca: Steroids aren’t an alternative to radiation. Chase: The tests weren’t really conclusive. Cameron: We’re treating you for vasculitus, it’s the inflammation of blood vessels in the brain. Rebecca: It’s not a tumor? I don’t have a tumor? [Cut to hallway with Cameron and Chase] Chase: You should have told her the truth. It’s a long sht guess. Cameron: [to nurse] Thank you. [To Chase] If House is right, no harm, if he’s wrong we’ve given a dying woman a couple days hope. Chase: False hope. Cameron: If there was any other type available I would have given her that. [Cut to classroom where Foreman is smelling the floor] Sidney: Why are you smelling Billy’s pants? Foreman: I’m not. Sidney: Looked like you were. Foreman: I was smelling the floor. Sidney: Oh. Foreman: Do you have any pets in this class? Sidney: No, but we used to have a gerbil, but Carly L. dropped a book on it. Foreman: Careless. Sidney: Do you need to smell it? Foreman: No, I’m smelling for mold. I don’t need to smell it. Sidney: You can smell our parrot. Foreman: You said you didn’t have any pets in this class. Sidney: A parrot is a bird. [Cut to House and Foreman eating lunch with some Soap on the TV that has House’s attention more than Foreman does] Foreman: Parrots are the primary source of psitticosis. House: It’s not the parrot. Foreman: Psitticosis can lead to nerve problems and neurological complications. House: How many kids were there in the class? Foreman: 20. House: How many are home sick? Foreman: None, but… House: None, but you think that 5 year olds are more serious about bird hygiene than their teacher. You’ve been through her home? Foreman: She lives in Trenton. I can go up to her room tomorrow morning and ask her for the key. House: Would the police call for permission before dropping by to check out a crime scene? Foreman: It’s not a crime scene. House: Far as I know she’s running a Meth Lab out of her basement. Foreman: She’s a kindergarten teacher! House: And if I was a Kindergarten student I would trust her implicitly. [Sigh] Ok, I’ll give you a for instance. The lady back there, who made your egg-salad sandwich. Her eyes look glassy, did you notice that? Now hospital policy is to stay home if you’re sick, but if you’re making $8.00 an hour, then ya kinda need the $8.00 an hour right? The sign in the bathroom says that employees must wash after using the facilities, but I figure that somebody who wipes snot on a sleeve isn’t hyper concerned about sanitary conditions. So what do ya think? Should I trust her? I want you to check the patient’s home for contaminants, garbage, medication…[interrupted] Foreman: Whoa, oh, I can’t just break into someone’s house. House: Isn’t that how you got into the Felker’s home? [pause] Yeah, I know, court records are sealed, you were 16, it was a stupid mistake, but your old gym teacher has a big mouth. You should write a thank you note. Foreman: I should thank him? House: Well, I needed somebody around here with street smarts. Ok? Knows when you’re being conned, knows how to con. Foreman: I should sue you! House: I’m pretty sure you can’t sue somebody for wrongful hiring. Foreman: But I’m pretty sure I can sue if you fre me for not breaking into some lady’s house. [Foreman eats the rest of the sandwich] [Cut to House sitting and reading “Spring’s hottest people’ Magazine, Cuddy walks in] House: I’m doing research. People are fascinating aren’t they? Cuddy: Why are you giving Adler steroids? House: Well, she’s my patient that’s what you do with patients. You give them medicine. Cuddy: You don’t prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don’t since Tuskeegee and Mengele. House: You’re comparing me to a nzi? Nice. Cuddy: I’m stopping the treatment. House: She’s my patient. Cuddy: It’s my hospital. House: I did not get her sick, she is not an experiment, I have a legitimate theory about what’s wrong with her. Cuddy: With no proof. House: There’s never any proof. 5 different doctors come up with 5 different diagnoses based on the same evidence. Cuddy: You don’t have any evidence. And nobody knows anything huh? Then how is it that you always assume you’re right? House: I don’t, I just find it hard to operate on the opposite assumption. And why are you so afraid of making a mistake? Cuddy: Because I’m a doctor. Because when we make mistakes people die. [She walks off up the stairs] House: Come on. [House thinks about going up the stairs, but decides against it] House: People used to have more respect for cripples you know! [Turns to a guy in a wheelchair] They didn’t really. [Cut to Cuddy entering Rebecca’s room. Rebecca is eating voraciously.] Cuddy; So, how ya feeling? Rebecca: Much better, thanks. Are you Dr. House? I thought he was a he, but…? Cuddy: No. Don’t eat too much too fast. Rebecca: Thank him for me. Cuddy: Right. [Cuddy exits the room, and House is standing there, Cuddy is a bit surprised by him standing there.] House: Should I discontinue the treatment, boss? Cuddy: You got lucky. [She walks off] House: Cool, huh? [Cut to the outside of the hospital, and back into Rebecca’s room, it’s now night and Wilson is there] Wilson: Ok, once again. [Rebecca takes a deep breath] Wilson: Good. Rebecca: Am I ever gonna meet Dr. House? Wilson: [scoffs] Well, you might run into him at the movies or on the bus. Rebecca: Is he a good man? Wilson: He’s a good doctor. Rebecca: Can you be one without the other? Don’t you have to care about people? Wilson: Caring’s a good motivator. He’s found something else. [Has Rebecca grab his hands] Feel this? Rebecca: umhmm Wilson: How about this? Rebecca: umhmm Wilson: Ok squeeze. [Pause] Harder. All right. Rebecca: He’s your friend, huh? Wilson: Yeah. Rebecca: Does he care about you? Wilson: I think so. Rebecca: You don’t know? Wilson: As Dr. House likes to say, “Everybody lies.” Rebecca: It’s not what people say, it’s what they do. Wilson: [Pause] Yes, he cares about me. Rebecca: I can’t see. [Pause] I can’t see. [She starts having a seizure and monitors go crazy] Wilson: A little help in here! [Flat line on the heart monitor] (Commercial, again, evil!) [Cut back to Rebecca’s room, daytime, she has an oxygen mask on. Foreman is there] Foreman: Your chest will be sore for a while. We needed to shock you to get your heart going. Ok. [He lays a bunch of cards with pictures on them in front of Rebecca] Can you arrange these to tell a story? [cut to pictures and then to House’s office] Foreman: She couldn’t put them in order. Chase: Could the damage have been caused by a lack of oxygen during her seizure? Foreman: No, I gave her the same test 5 minutes later and she did just fine. The altered mental status is intermittent, just like the verbal skills. Cameron: So, what now? Foreman: Given the latest symptoms it’s clearly growing deeper into the brain stem. Soon she won’t be able to walk, she’ll go blind permanently, and then the respiratory center will fail. House: How long do we have? Foreman: If it’s a tumor we’re talking a month, maybe two, if it’s infectious a few weeks, if it’s vascular that’ll probably be fastest of all, maybe a week. House: We’re gonna stop all treatment. [House gets up and walks over to the drinks.] Foreman: I still think it’s a tumor. I think we should go back to the radiation. Chase: She didn’t respond to the radiation. Foreman: Well, maybe we didn’t see the effects until we started steroids. House: No, it’s not a tumor. The steroids did something, I just don’t know what. Foreman: So we’re just gonna do nothing? We’re just gonna watch her die? House: Yeah, we’re gonna watch her die. Specifically we’re gonna watch how fast she’s dying. You just told us, each diagnosis has its own timeframe. When we see how fast it’s klling her we’ll know what it is. Cameron: And by then maybe there’s nothing we can do about it. Foreman: There’s go to be something we can do, something better than watching her die. House: Well, I got nothing. How ‘bout you? [Cut to hallway, Foreman and Cameron exit the office] Foreman: Bastard. [Turns to Cameron] Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours. Cameron: What’s up? Foreman: When you break into someone’s house; it’s always better to have a white chick with you. Cameron: Adler’s house? Why don’t we just ask her for a key? Foreman: For all we know she could be running a meth lab out of her basement. [Cut to clinic and House is with a patient, a guy] Guy: I’m tired a lot. House: Any other reason you think you may have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? Guy: It’s kinda the definition isn’t it? House: It’s kinda the definition of getting older. Guy: I had a couple headaches last month, mild fever, sometimes I can’t sleep, and I have trouble concentrating. House: Apparently not while researching this stuff on the internet. Guy: I was thinking it also might be fibromyalgia. House: [Looks contemplative, and then serious] Excellent diagnosis [sarcastic]! Guy: Is there anything for that? House: [heavy sigh] Ya know, I think there just might be. [House goes out of the room, and to the dispensary.] House: I need 36 Vicodin, and change for a dollar. Nurse: (jumbled, I can’t tell) [House gets his change and goes to a candy machine. He gets white candies out of the machine, and goes back to the counter. There he takes the Vicodin and slips them into his pocket, exchanging them for the candy.] House: Exam room 2. [Places the bottle back on the counter.] [Cut to Cameron and Foreman in Rebecca’s house] Cameron: House doesn’t believe in pretense. Figures life’s too short and too painful. So he just says what he thinks. Foreman: Nothing interesting in the garbage. “I say what I think” is just another way of saying “I’m an ass.” Cameron: Well, if you wanted to be judged on your medical prowess only, maybe you shouldn’t have broken into someone’s home. Foreman: I was 16! Don’t know about ticks, but her dog’s definitely got fleas. Cameron: I managed to make it to 17 without a criminal record. [Foreman is in the fridge, and takes out some ham and mustard] Foreman: Yeah? Well you obviously didn’t grow up in my neighborhood. Cameron: That’s right. You stole a loaf of bread to feed your starving family right? You always eat during break-ins? Foreman: Am I supposed to respect their food more than I respect their DVD players? You want some? Cameron: No. Foreman: You gonna go hungry until she dies? Cameron: No. Foreman: You know what, after centuries of oppression, decades of civil rights marches, and more significantly living like a monk, never getting less than a 4.0 GPA, you don’t think it’s kind of disgusting I get one of the top jobs in the country because I’m a delinquent? We’ll eat, then we’ll tear up the carpet. Cameron: You went to Hopkins right? Foreman: Yep. Cameron: So, you went to a better school than I did, got better grades than I did. Foreman: So how’d you get the job? Did you sab a guy in a bar fight? [Off Cameron’s face, a little disturbed] [Cut to the hospital exterior, daytime, then into House’s office again] Foreman: Nothing. House: It’s not a tumor; she’s getting worse too fast. She can’t stand up. Wilson: No toxins, no medication? Foreman: Nothing that would explain these symptoms. Wilson: Family history of neurological problems? Foreman: Not that I could tell from her underwear drawer. House: You said nothing that would explain these symptoms. What did you find that doesn’t explain these symptoms? Foreman: Dr. Wilson convinced you to treat this patient under false pretenses. Adler’s not his cousin. Wilson: That’s ridiculous. You can ask her yourself. Can we get back to… [interrupted] Foreman: She’s not Jewish! Wilson: Rachel Adler’s not Jewish? Foreman: I had ham at her apartment! Wilson: [chuckles] Dr. Foreman, a lot of Jews have non-Jewish relatives, and most of us don’t keep kosher. I can see getting through high school without learning a thing about Jews, but medical school… Foreman: Ok, maybe she’s Jewish, but she’s definitely not your cousin. Wilson: Really? This guy’s…he… Foreman: You don’t even know her name! You called her Rachel; her name is Rebecca! Wilson: Yes, yes, her name is Rebecca. I call her Rachel. [While this is going on House is very quiet and you can almost see that he is putting things together} House: You idiot! Wilson: Hey…listen… House: Not you, him! You said you didn’t find anything. Foreman: Everything I found was in [interrupted] House: You found ham. Foreman: So? House: Where there’s ham there’s pork, where there’s pork there’s neurocysticercosis. Chase: Tapeworm?! You think she’s got a worm in her brain? House: It fits. Could have been living there for years, it never occurred to me [interrupted] Cameron: Millions of people eat ham every day. It’s quite a leap to think that she’s got a tapeworm. House: OK, Mr. Neurologist. What happens when you give steroids to a person who has a tapeworm? Foreman: They, they get a little better and then they get worse. Wilson: Just like Rebecca Adler did. [Cut out and then in again, House has a book and lays it on the table, open to a page on tapeworms] House: In a typical case if you don’t cook pork well enough you ingest live tapeworm larvae. They got these little hooks they grab onto your bowel, they live, they grow up, they reproduce. Chase: Reproduce? There’s only got one lesion, and it’s nowhere near her bowel. House: That’s because this is not a typical case. Tapeworm can produce 20 to 30,000 eggs a day. Guess where they go. Foreman: Out. House: Not all of them. Unlike the larvae, the egg can pass right through the walls of the intestines and into the blood stream. And where does the blood stream go? Cameron: Everywhere. House: As long as it’s healthy the immune system doesn’t even know it’s there. The worm builds a wall, uses secretions to shut down the body’s immune response and control fluid flow. It’s really kinda beautiful. Foreman: As long as it’s healthy, so what do we do? Call a vet and nurse the little guy back to health? House: It’s too late for that. It’s dying, and as it dies this parasite loses the ability to control of the host’s defenses. The immune system wakes up and attcks the worm and everything starts to swell, and that is very bad for the brain. Wilson: It could still be a hundred other things. The eosinophil count was normal. Chase: It’s only abnormal in 30% of cases. Wilson: Proving nothing. House: No, no, no, no, you see, it fits, it’s perfect! It explains everything. Wilson: But it proves nothing. House: I can prove it by treating it. Wilson: No, you can’t. I was just with her, she doesn’t want any more treatments, she doesn’t want any more experiments, she wants to go home and die. (Commercials! Gah! I wish commercials would go home and die!) [Cut back into Rebecca’s room, it’s nighttime and House enters] House: [To nurse] Will you excuse us, please? [Nurse leaves] House: I’m Dr. House. Rebecca: It’s good to meet you. House: You’re being an idiot. Ahem. [Pause] You have a tapeworm in your brain, it’s not pleasant, but if we don’t do anything you’ll be dad by the weekend. Rebecca: Have you actually seen the worm? House: When you’re all better I’ll show you my diplomas. Rebecca: You were sure I had vasculitus too. Now I can’t walk and I’m wearing a diaper. What’s this treatment gonna do for me? House: I’m not talking about a treatment; I’m talking about a cure. But because I might be wrong, you want to die. Rebecca: What made you a cripple? House: I had an infarction. Rebecca: A heart attck? House: It’s what happens when the blood flow is obstructed. If it’s in the heart it’s a heart attck. If it’s in the lungs it’s a pulmonary embolism. If it’s in the brain it’s a stroke. I had it in my thigh muscles. Rebecca: Wasn’t there something they could do? House: There was plenty they could do, if they made the right diagnosis, but the only symptom was pain. Not may people get to experience muscle death. Rebecca: Did you think you were dying? House: I hoped I was dying. Rebecca: So you hide in your office, refuse to see patients because you don’t like the way people look at you. You feel cheated by life so now you’re gonna get even with the world. You want me to fight this. Why? What makes you think I’m so much better than you? House: When you’re scared, you’ll turn into me. Rebecca: I just want to die with a little dignity. House: There’s no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we’re 90, sometimes before we’re even born, but it always happens and there’s never any dignity in it. I don’t care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It’s always ugly, always. [Pause] You can live with dignity, we can’t die with it. [Cut to hallway, outside the room, looks like daytime, but it could be the lights in the hospital.] House: No treatment. Foreman: Maybe we can get a court order, override her wishes. Claim she doesn’t have the capacity to make this decision. House: But she does. Cameron: But we could claim that the illness made her mentlly incompetent. Foreman: Pretty common result. House: That didn’t happen here. Wilson: He’s not gonna do it. She’s not just a file to him anymore. He respects her. Cameron: So because you respect her, you’re going to let her die? House: I solved the case, my work is done. [House starts to walk away] House: Patients always want proof, we’re not making cars here, we don’t give guarantees. [House continues walking, Off Chase] Chase: I think we can prove it’s a worm. It’s noninvasive, it’s safe. I’m not completely sure but…[interrupted] House: Yeah, yeah, yeah what’s the damn idea? Chase: Have you ever seen a worm under an x-ray, a regular old no contrast 100-year-old technology x-ray? They light up like gn pellets. Just like on a contrast MRI. Foreman: Which is the same thing as a CT scan, which we did, which proved nothing. House: Worm cysts is the same density as the cerebrospinal fluid, we’re not going to see anything in her head, but Chase is right, he’s right, we should x-ray her, but we don’t x-ray her brain, we x-ray her leg, worms love thigh muscle. If she’s got one in her head I guarantee you there’s one in her leg. [Cut to x-ray table, Rebecca is on it, and they focus on her leg, x-ray is taken.] Chase: Hold still, Rebecca. […And the worm shows up. Cut to Rebecca’s hospital room, day.] Chase: This here is a worm larva. [Chase pointing to x-ray of her leg] Rebecca: So, if it’s in my leg, it’s in my brain? Chase: Are you looking for a guarantee? It’s there, probably been there 6 to 10 years. Rebecca: Could I have more? Chase: Probably. It’s good news. Rebecca: What do we do now? Chase: Now we get you better. Albendazole. [Hands her a cup with two pills in it.] Rebecca: Two pills? Chase: Yeah, every day for at least a month with a meal. Rebecca: Two pills? Chase: Yeah, possible side effects include abdominal pain, nausea, headache, dizziness, fever, and hair loss. We’ll probably make you keep taking the pills even if you get every one of those. [Rebecca smirks, and then downs the pills] [Cut to House’s office, day. Cameron’s there waiting as House enters.] Cameron: Why did you hire me? House: Does it matter? Cameron: Kinda hard to work for a guy who doesn’t respect you. House: Why? Cameron: Is that rhetorical? House: No, it just seems that way because you can’t think of an answer. Does it make a difference why I think I’m a jerk? The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job? Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record. House: No, it wasn’t a racial thing, I didn’t see a black guy. I just saw a doctor…with a juvenile record. I hired Chase ‘cause his dad made a phone call. I hired you because you are extremely pretty. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?! House: I can’t believe that that would shock you. It’s also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good; it’s like having a nice piece of art in the lobby. Cameron: I was in the top of my class. House: But not THE top. Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic. House: Yes, you were a very good applicant. Cameron: But not the best? House: Would that upset you, really, to think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty not some genetic gift of intelligence? Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am. House: But you didn’t have to. People choose the paths that gain them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That’s a law of nature, and you defied it. That’s why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model, you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff. Lots of stuff, but you didn’t, you worked your stunning little ass off. Cameron: Am I supposed to be flattered? House: Gorgeous women do not go to medical school. Unless they’re as damaged as they are beautiful. Were you abused by a family member? Cameron: No! House: Sexually asault? Cameron: No. House: But you are damaged, aren’t you? [Cameron hesitates, and in that moment her pager goes off] Cameron: I have to go. [She leaves, cut to orange guy (not so orange now) in with Cuddy] Orange guy: I followed her. I couldn’t stop thinking about what that doctor said. Cuddy: I told you not to listen to him, he’s an idiot. Orange guy: I was ORANGE. Cuddy: I don’t want to know what you found out. Orange guy: You don’t care? Cuddy: I’m your doctor, you’ve been good to me and good to this hospital, of course I care, but I don’t see how this conversation can end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair, or she’s not having an affair and you have come here because you rightly think I should fre him, but I can’t even if it cost me your money, the son of a bitch is the best doctor we have. [Cut to his finger, now missing his ring] [Cut to Rebecca’s room, Chase enters] Chase: Feeling any better? Rebecca: I can’t complain. Chase: As you know the hospital has certain rules, and as you also know we tend to ignore them, but I think this one’s gonna be a little obvious unless we get your help. [Cameron enters with Rebecca’s class] Cameron: If anyone asks, you have 11 daughters and 5 sons. Rebecca: Hi, you guys! Class: Hi! Rebecca: Come here! [They gather around her bed and present her with a card.] Rebecca: It’s so good to see you guys! I missed you! Is this for me? [Rebecca opens it and inside it says “Miss Rebecca we’re glad you’re not d*ad”] Rebecca: Oh, I love you guys. [To Chase and Cameron] I wanted to thank Dr. House, but he never visited again. Cameron: He cured you, you didn’t cure him. Rebecca: [Talking to class] Ok, I want a hug and a kiss from every single one of you. Get up here right now! Class: [Giggles, and laughs] [They get up on the bed with Rebecca] [Cut to House watching General Hospital (I assume)] Female Dr. on mini TV: There. Male Dr on mini TV: Hold on. Female Dr. on mini TV: She’s converted. House: You said she was your cousin. Why would you lie? Wilson: It got you to take the case. House: You lied to a friend to save a stranger, you don’t think that’s screwed up? Wilson: You’ve never lied to me? House: I NEVER lie. Wilson: Oh, really. Male Dr on mini TV: Why do we do this? Female Dr. on mini TV: Because we’re doctors, when we make mistakes people die. [House gets a great little smirk here, re: Cuddy using the same line earlier] [Knock on the door] Nurse: Dr. House? You have a patient. [Nurse pulls the blinds away to reveal the guy that House gave the candy pills to.] Nurse: He says he needs a refill. House: Got change for a dollar? [Cut to outside the hospital and aerial view of the campus.] Singing: “No, you can’t always get what you want.” “You can’t always get what you want.” THE END!	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "01x01 - Pilot"}	foreverdreaming
[Opens in a prison, on death row.] Inmate: Deep fried shrimp, and lobster. Never had lobster. What, do you boil ‘em or grill ‘em? Which one's better? Ah, just get ‘em both. And I know I need a strawberry malt, and then there’s those chocolate donuts that come in a box? Lawyer: We’ll do our best to accommodate. Tomorrow you’ll be moved to a holding cell. That’s where you'll get your last meal. [Close up on other Inmate… let’s call him Clarence.] You also have a constitutional right to the spiritual advisor of your choice. Inmate: Naw, I don’t need none of that. Lawyer: One last thing to think about: After I read the execution warrant, you’ll be given an opportunity to make a statement. You might want to take some time and think about what you want to say as your final words. [He leaves.] Inmate: Yo, Clarence! You hear that? A spiritual advisor of my choice! Clarence: Don’t matter, you goin’ to hell anyway. Inmate: You think I’ll get another stay? Clarence: You should. Supreme Court say it ain’t right to kll retrd. Warden: Cut the chatter! Exercise time. [The guards come and take Clarence into a room with no windows, only a basketball hoop. They release him from his handcuffs through a hole in the door.] Be back in an hour. Enjoy. [Clarence walks around,and then pretends to sh*t some hoops. Suddenly, a woman appears in the room.] Woman: Why did you ht me so many times, Clarence? Clarence: You know why! Woman: You could have stopped. [Another person appears.] Man: You sab me in the back, man. Clarence: I never st – Man: You couldn’t fight fair. Clarence: Like you did? [A guard appears.] Guard: I had a wife and three kids. Clarence: You are a sick bastard! Open the door! Open the door! [Another man appears.] Man #2: Hey! What’d I ever do to you, man? [The voices continue as the figures close in on Clarence. He gets to his knees. CGI sht into his chest of his heart, which starts to bat at an abnormally fast rate, until he collapses on the ground.] [Cut to House, walking toward Cuddy’s office. He sees Stacy talking with her, and pops a Vicodin. He walks in, and--] James: You can’t go in there. House: Who are you, and why are you wearing a tie? James: I’m Dr. Cuddy’s new assistant. Can I tell her what it’s regarding? House: Yes. I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don’t. James: I’m her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers. House: Hmm. I didn’t know they had a secretarial school. Well, I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word "ka-ching" mean anything to you? I’m going in now. [House enters.] Cuddy: Dr. House, we are in the middle of a meeting. House: What’s with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out? Stacy: He is cute. Be careful. House: She’s not like you. She can’t just walk into a bar and pick up her soul mate in twenty minutes. Stacy: I met Mark at a fundraiser that happened to be held at a – House: You met me at a strip club. Stacy: You were the worst two dollars I ever spent. [to Cuddy] We’ll catch up later. Cuddy: Stacy, it’s House. I know you can handle it. Stacy: Nothing to handle. It’s obvious he wants to talk to you alone. [She leaves.] Cuddy: If you have a problem working with Stacy you should have said so. House: What was I supposed to do? Ask her to leave? That’s just rude. Death row guy. I want the case. Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don’t have access to the hospital’s mainframe. House: No, but "partypants" does. Cuddy: You stole my password? House: Hardly counts as stealing; it’s a pretty obvious choice. Cuddy: Well, I have already assigned Death Row Guy to Dr. Nolo. House: Nolo? Well, I don’t want to say anything bad about another doctor… especially a useless drunk… Cuddy: You are addicted to pain pills. House: But I’m not useless. Tell Nolo I’m talking over. Cuddy: Dr. Nolo is a board certified cardiologist. House: Oh, good. I’m sure he’ll explore all the usual options for why a guy’s heart starts beating so fast it pumps out air instead of blood. Wait a second – there are no usual options! Cuddy: How badly do you want this? House: I will give you two more clinic hours this week. Cuddy: Don’t bend over for the soap. [She hands him the file.] [Cut to House in the hospital lobby, the Ducklings behind him.] Cameron: Just the heart, or the patient have any other complaints? House: The patient’s not talking to anybody. Cameron: Where are we going? House: You are going to the clinic for two hours. Cameron: Me? Why? House: Talk to Cuddy. She’s got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences unit, I don’t know. Foreman: Aren’t there better ways to spend our time? House: Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a man who kills his wife? Foreman: Uh… yeah. Actually, he is. House: What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn’t kll anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics,but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what: the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I’ll review it when I get back. [House leaves the hospital. Chase and Foreman exit the lobby, which leaves Cameron to do the clinic hours.] [Cut to the prison.] Warden: Your patient shanked one inmate his first month here, broke another one’s neck, nearly decapitated one of my guards… House: Relax, I’ve got a great bedside manner. Warden: Too dangerous to house him in the infirmary. You don’t have to worry, we’ve taken every precaution. I've had my men clear from the cell all pens, paperclips and staplers. Any supplies that might be used as a wapon.[We see Clarence, shackled to a cot in a cell full of office supplies.] Open her up! For your visit, we’ve got him cuffed and shackled. House: And yet, you’re staying out there. Warden: [nodding, then grabbing House’s cane] Uhp! You’re going to have to give me that. Wouldn’t want anybody to get hurt. [Cut to the clinic, where a woman is sitting in an exam room.] Cameron: [entering] Hi. Cindy: Hi. Cameron: I’m Dr. Cameron. How’re you feeling? Cindy: Eh. Little cough, no big deal. Cameron: Okay, then. What’re you doing here? Cindy: I just got a job at the university. They need a health clearance. Apparently I’m a little anemic, so they made me get some more tests. Cameron: Any family history of anemia? Cindy: Not that I know of. My mom died of cancer when I was a kid, my dad’s heart gave out a couple of years ago. Cameron: Brothers and sisters? Cindy: I’m afraid it’s a short family history. That’s it. I had a husband once, but… didn't stick. My tests should be back, probably in that file. Cameron: Probably. [She looks at the lung x-ray, and then looks concerned.] Cindy: Is everything okay? [Cut to Dr. Wilson, looking at the x-ray in his office.] Wilson: Did you redo the x-ray? Cameron: Twice. Wilson: Well, you don’t need a consult. You know the diagnosis. Cameron: All she has is a cough. [Cut to House, examining Clarence. He shines a light in his eyes, and then looks at his hands.] House: Bluish tinge to the fingernails, lips… he’s hypoxic. Warden: What’s that mean? House: He’s not getting enough oxygen. You know how people can you can’t live without love? Well, oxygen's even more important. He’s got fluid in his lungs, breathing rate of 50… he needs to be intubated and put on a respirator. Warden: Don’t have a respirator. House: Better get one in about an hour, or you’re gonna lose him. Warden: I’ll make out a requisition. The state’s already sentenced this man to die. House: [flipping open his cell phone] I think the state was a tad more specific about "how". [on the phone] This is Dr. Gregory House. I need an ambulance to pick-up at Mercer State Prison. Warden: Wasted call, my men will stop them at the gate. No way a Death Row inmate leaves my prison, least not through the front doors. [Cut to House, walking out of the hospital elevator with Clarence tied to a gurney, paramedics, and a lot of guards.] House: You work fast. Stacy: So do you. House: Is that a shock? Stacy: Yeah. It was easy once I convinced the clerk to take it to Judge Markem, he’s a sucker for Eight Amendment arguments. House: Stop, I’m getting turned on. Cuddy: House! House: [in his best Scooby-Doo imitation] Ruh-roh! Cuddy: It was just a consult? Did you expect us to shut down an entire floor for this guy? House: Did you do something to your hair? Stacy: You said you cleared it with her – House: Come on. You’ve known me how long and you still don’t know when I’m joshin’ ya? Cuddy: Take him back to prison. Now. House: Can’t. Ironically, I’m bound by this court order which your ace attorney got. I have to make him all better before shipping him back for the state to kll him. Is it just me, or is that weird? Anyway, we’re walking. [Cut to Cameron entering House’s office. House is staring at a file in his hand.] House: Somebody left this on my chair. Clever - forces me to either deal with the file or never sit down again. Cameron: Cindy Kramer. I told her you’d see her. House: You shouldn’t have told her that. She’s got metastatic squamous cell lung cancer, six months, tops. Cameron: Have you even looked at the x-ray? House: No, just guessing. It’s a new game. If it’s wrong, she gets a stuffed bear. Cameron: A spot on a x-ray doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s terminal. House: I love children. So filled with hope. Cameron: It could be pneumonia. It could be sarcoidosis. House: Could be, if she didn’t already have swollen hilar lymph nodes on the other lung. Cameron: Could we at least brainstorm for other ideas? [He takes the x-ray and puts it up on the light board.] Thank you.[He begins to write on the board.] I still think it could be pneumonia and sarcoidosis, but we should check for tuberculosis and definitely rule out congestive heart failure. [She looks to see that House has written "denial, anger, bargaining, depression,acceptance" on the board.] The five stages of dying. House: Exactly. Personally, I think it’s all just new-age crap, but from your tear-filled, puppy-dog eyes I think I've made my point. Now go tell Cindy whatever-her-name-is that she’s dying. [He walks into Diagnostics, where Chase and Foreman are sitting.] Tachycardia, pulmonary edema, likely suspects? Cameron: [following him in] The Death Row guy? That’s who you’re working on instead of Cindy? House: God, I’ve got to learn not to bat around the bush. By dying, I mean no matter what we do. Very, very soon she is going to be dad. Is it still too subtle? Cameron: I took an oath to do no harm. House: Yeah, well, it’s not like they make you sign it or anything. Cameron: We cure your patient, he goes back to Death Row. He goes back to Death Row, they kll him! House: He stays here and we don’t treat him, he dies. And I still don’t treat Cindylou Who. Foreman: Can we get on with this? House: Yeah, I knew I could count on your help for your homie. Foreman: [sarcastically] Exactly, I’m black. I sympathize for guys who grew up in the city kept down by the man. [Chase smirks.] House: Makes sense to me. Foreman: It’s a bunch of crap. You can’t blame society for the fact that you chose to become a kller. The guy's probably a heroin addict, which explains the tachycardia, which caused the pulmonary edema. Chase: How does an inmate on Death Row get his hands on heroin? Foreman: Are you serious? House: The man knows prisons. When we’ve got a yachting question, we’ll come to you. Okay, drugs it is. Test his hair, blood, and urine, the works. [Chase and Foreman get up, Cameron still has her angry face on. House makes an "after you" motion with his hand.] [Cut to the hallway.] Cameron: Thanks for getting my back. I thought you seminary boys were against the death penalty. Chase: I left the seminary. Cameron: Over their stance on capital punishment? Chase: I’m against the death penalty in principle. In practice, however, watching a mrder die causes me a lot less grief than annoying my boss. [The three are stopped by guards who pat them down before they can go to see Clarence.] [Cut to Clarence’s room, where the three are getting samples.] Cameron: Department of Justice statistics show that it’s a racially motivated form of punishment. Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence than whites. Foreman: Doesn’t mean we need to get rid of the death penalty, do we? It just means we need to kll more white people. [Clarence wakes up with a start.] It’s okay, you’re in a hospital, we’re taking care of you. [He starts to move around violently.] Chase Stay calm, you’re gonna be – push two milligrams Ativan! [Clarence pulls the safety rails off of the bed, causing the guards to come in and force him down, but not before he pulls the intubation tube out of his throat (yuk!).] Clarence: Water… water. [Cut to Diagnostics, where House is pouring himself a big red mug of coffee. Enter the Ducklings.] House: What’s the differential for being thirsty? Chase: He was just a little dehydrated, and out of his mind. We upped his saline drip, he’s fine now. Foreman: Blood and urine tests came back clean, no sign of opiates in his system. [Cameron grabs a marker and is about to write on the board, when… ] House: Don’t do that. Cameron: What, you have some House theory explaining heroin use despite a negative test? House: Nope. Only I get to write on the board. [I’ll just take this moment to say that I love that the board is titled"dad Man Dying". All right, go on.] So it’s not drugs. What else can cause the heart to do wind sprints? Got the blood work back, any – [Stacy walks into his office and looks at him through the wall] – thing out of the ordinary? Chase: His bicarb is low. House: Yeah, but which column? Could be the result of the tachycardia, could be the cause? Cameron: It’s the cause. House: Why, because you want it to be? Let’s see how well that works with your other patient. Cameron: We’re just talking semantics here. We should put him on a bicarb drip and send him back. House: Right, buff his numbers. Don’t bother trying to figure out the underlying cause. I thought you cared about patients. Foreman: Our job isn’t to make sure he can bounce his grandkids on his lap, our job is to get him healthy enough to go back to Death Row. House: Our job is to diagnose him. [closing the blinds so he can’t see Stacy] What? Mommy and Daddy are having a little fight, it doesn’t mean we’ve stopped loving you. Now, go outside and play. Get Daddy some smokes and anarterial blood gas test. [They all exit. As House leaves, he nearly runs into Stacy, who does not look amused.] Wow! That was impressive. Okay, what number am I thinking of? Stacy: Were you trying to get me fired? If you didn’t want me working here, why didn’t you just say so? House: I just don’t want you working here, in my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It’s a big hospital. Stacy: I’m a lawyer. You’re a jerk. There’s gonna to be some overlap. House: God, I hope that was a euphemism. Stacy: Cuddy just reamed me. House: I hope that one means what I think it means. Stacy: For trusting you! She figured when she hired me she’d at least have someone you couldn’t walk all over. House: The number was six, by the way. Stacy: I need to know, can I trust you? House: If I hadn’t lied to you about Cuddy’s approval, my patient would be dad. Stacy: Great. Now I know. Now we can work together. [Cut to Foreman, preparing to draw some blood from Clarence’s thigh.] Foreman: I’m drawing some blood from your femoral artery. Clarence: From my what? Foreman: Runs through your groin. Clarence: You think you’re gonna stick me in the jewels with that? Foreman: It’s really closer to your thigh. Technically, at this point, it seems like your jewels are more for display purposes, anyway. Clarence: Hold up, hold up. Give me some pain Kllers, or something. Foreman: Tough guy like you don’t need ‘em. Clarence: Forget that, numb me up, man. [Foreman gets the painkillers, and starts to inject it. As he does, Clarence notices a tattoo on his wrist.] You got some gng ink? Let me see that. Foreman: It’s a Native American symbol. It means "the force of life." Clarence: That’s what you tell all these white dudes so they let you play doctor? Foreman: Yep. Got ‘em all fooled. Clarence: For real, how a brother like you go from gng-banger to wearing a white coat? Foreman: How’s a brother like you go from loving a woman to punching her skull in? Clarence: Bitch stepped out. [Foreman sab him with the needle.] Argh! [Foreman raises an eyebrow.] Foreman: Sorry about that. Guess I didn’t use enough lidocaine. [Cut to the team entering Diagnostics.] Foreman: Blood gas came back with a pH of 7.28 and decreased HCO3. House: Which means two things. Most importantly, Cameron was wrong about the bicarb, and less significantly, we have anew symptom. Anion gap acidosis. Who’s chubby? Come on, pretend he loves puppies. Pretend he’s a human being. What’ve you got? Foreman: I think we should reconsider drugs. Chase: He already tested negative. Foreman: That’s why I said reconsider. Back in juvie, I cut up oregano and sold it as pot. Chase: Is that how you put yourself through med school? Foreman: What if Clarence thought he was taking heroin, but it was something else? House: What "something else" could lead to anion gap acidosis? Chase: Mudpiles. House: Well, you don’t have to ask. Just wash your hands before you come back. Chase: Methanol, uremia, diabetes… House: Oh, it’s a mnemonic. That makes sense, too. Cameron: Paraldehyde, INH, lactic acid – House: Rewind. Cameron: INH? House: Yahtzee! Foreman: Drugs for tuberculosis. Chase: Nearly a quarter of the prison population is infected with TB. House: Clever entrepreneur like Foreman here, chops up his meds, passes it off as heroin. Cameron: INH poisoning would explain all the symptoms. House: Who wants to head over to the prison and find Clarence’s secret stash? [No one looks too thrilled.] Foreman: Fine, I’ll do it. House: Great, Chase it is. Chase: I assume you have a reason beyond wanting to make me completely miserable? House: You’ve got a prettier mouth. Better chance the inmates will open up to you. [Cut to… General Hospital lookalike! Oh boy!] Guy with bandages all around his face: Perhaps I’ll come out looking just as monstrous? I mean, isn’t that what I deserve? [House is watching the program in a hospital room, eating lunch, next to a patient who looks very inert. Enter Wilson.] Wilson: The man’s in a coma. House: He didn’t mind. I asked. Wilson: You’re getting crumbs all over him. House: Why do you think they put TVs in coma patients’ rooms, anyway? Wilson: Some people think they can still hear. House: So leave them a radio. His eyes are closed; who thinks he can see? [Wilson sits on the opposite side of the bed.] Wilson: You know why people are nice to other people? House: Oh, I know this one. Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that, or people are cowards. If I’m mean to you, you’ll be mean to me. Mutually assured destruction. Wilson: Exactly. You’re gonna eat these chips? [He reaches for them, but House grabs them away.] House: You gonna get to your point? Wilson: You need people to like you. House: I don’t care if people like me. Wilson: …Yes. But you need people to like you because you need people. Unless you think you can get the next court order yourself. If Stacy can’t trust you, you can’t use her. [House offers the chip bag.] And that’s not even dealing with the greater agenda – [House takes the bag back before Wilson can have any] of getting her to dump her husband and fall in love with you all over again. House: I know you’re friends with her, but there is a code. Bros before hos, man. [He sticks his fist out, but his pager beeps. After looking at it -- ] Crap. Wilson: What is it? House: Death Row guy is dying. [Cut to Clarence’s room, where he is looking quite inert. There are beeps coming from all over, but Foreman is just standing in the corner.] Foreman: Bradycardia. His heart rate’s dropped to 30, it’s not going to hold that much longer. House: Are you just waiting to call time of death, or are you gonna give him atropine? Foreman: Temporary fix? House: Right. Anyway, those diabetics are all hung up on insulin. They’re just gonna have to have to take more. [He starts to push the Atropine into the IV.] Foreman: Atropine’s only gonna buy you a few hours! We don’t even know what’s wrong with this guy – House: Just get out of here. [Foreman leaves as Clarence’s heart rate starts to climb.] [Cut to Chase looking through the storage cell where Clarence was being held when he was sick. His cell rings.] Chase: [on cell] This is Chase. House: [from the hospital desk near Diagnostics] Did you bat any confessions out of anybody? Chase: I haven’t spoken to any inmates. House: Does anybody do their jobs anymore? Chase: I’ve decided Clarence’s life isn’t worth risking mine for. House: I appreciate your candor. Did you even go to the prison or are you just out playing polo? Chase: I’m searching both Clarence’s cells. I figure, if he’s on something, it’s stashed somewhere. House: Unless he finished it. Chase: Yeah, that’d be a shame. He could have shoved it anywhere, there’s envelopes stacked to the ceiling,bottles of copier toner, boxes of rubber bands [he goes on, but House has heard enough] House: Call it off. Come on back. [Cut to House, entering Clarence’s room with a wheeled tray. He closes the blinds, takes out two sample jars -- ] Clarence: What’s going on? House: You’re dying. [ -- and takes out a bottle of rum and pours two shts’ worth.] That deserves a last drink. Clarence: You’re okay. House: Thanks. That means a lot. [He helps Clarence to drink his sht.] [Cut to Cameron, taking blood from Cindy.] Cindy: All the tests have been inconclusive? Cameron: Diagnostics is more of an art than a science. Cindy: Should I be worried right now? Cameron: I work for one of the top diagnosticians in the country. We’re pouring all of our energy into figuring this out. [Cut to House and Clarence, and an emptier bottle pouring more shts. A much emptier bottle.] House: [slurred slightly] Thought you convicts knew how to drink. You’re at least three shts behind. [He looks as if he’s going to offer a sht to Clarence, but drinks it himself.] Now you’re four shts behind. Clarence: You better give me the next one or I’ll kll you. [Pause, then they both laugh. Cameron enters quickly.] Cameron: House – [She stops short as she sees House laughing and pouring shts.] I was just waiting for test results,I was… House: Little busy right now. Getting my drink on. Cameron: Unbelievable. Clarence: Oof. That’s the finest piece I seen in ten years. House: I coulda ht that. Clarence: And you didn’t. House: Eh. Clarence: Then you’re the one that should be locked up. House: Tell me something, I’ve been trying to figure this out. Why does a guy – [He gives Clarence another sht] – who’s on Death Row suddenly try to off himself? I know you drank that copier fluid. It’s not as visually dramatic as slitting your wrists with a homemade shiv, but it’ll do the trick. Clarence: It just ht me all of a sudden. It was like, they tell me when to eat, when to sleep, when to walk, when to talk,everything. I had to take control of something, right? When to die, I figured that was as good as anything. House: [pouring more rum] And that thought just came to you. Just like that. Clarence: Man, I told you. Twenty-three hours a – [House forces another sht down his throat.] House: Mmm. Well, look. Here’s the good news. The copier fluid you drank contains about 90% methanol, which is very poisonous and you took more than enough to kll yourself. The bad news is the alcohol you drank contains so much ethanol that it’s gonna bind with that nasty formic acid raging through your body, and you’re just gonna pee it out. Harmlessly. Clarence: Man, you are drunk. House: Yes, I am. I also saved your life. [And, sht for House! Laughing] At least for now. [Cut to House entering the hospital, wearing sunglasses.] Stacy: Morning! [House winces at the sound.] Your head hurt? House: No, you just have a very grating voice. Stacy: You always were a lightweight. House: Why are you talking to me? Stacy: Can’t it be enough that I want to cause you pain? The patient’s okay now, you’re going to send him back? House: Absolutely. [He walks into the elevator. Oh elevator, I’ve missed you! The door of the elevator almost closes,but House stops it with his cane, and it opens again.] Can I trust you? Stacy: You used to. House: I still think the patient’s sick. I’m keeping him here. Now, either you can do your job and keep the hospital informed, or you can help me make sure the hospital is not informed and buy me some time. [The door closes.] [Cut to Cameron, writing Cindy’s symptoms on a corner of the white board.] Chase: Have you done a CT? Cameron: Yeah, I have? Foreman: Does it have contrast? House: [entering] She’s done everything she needs to do except tell her patient that she’s dying. I told you,only I get to play with the markers. [He erases what she wrote.] Our prisoner has a new symptom. Cameron: I’m not telling Cindy that she’s dying until the diagnosis is confirmed. House: I am not buying that CLARENCE is trying to take control of his life by su1c1de. Healthy people don’t kll themselves. Foreman: Healthy people don’t kll other people. House: Guy just filed an appeal in a state that hasn’t actually klled anybody in about 30 years. Chase: What if it wasn’t su1c1de? What if it was an escape plan? Drink enough methanol to get transferred to a hospital,try to escape from here? House: Excellent. Explains everything, except the symptom that got him here. His heart went nuts before he got stuck in that storage cell and chugged a toner martini. I think there’s something going on in his head. Check for intracranial lesions, brain infections, autoimmune diseases… do a CT, LP, full workup. State’s paying, so go nuts. [They all leave, Cameron in a huff.] [Cut to Foreman, who’s always the lucky one who gets to do a spinal tap. He’s looking at Clarence’s back,which has a number of scars in addition to the prison tats.] Foreman: Where’d you get these scars? Clarence: I got shivved my first month in. After I healed up I got my ass. You guys still think I’m sick? Foreman: [prepping a needle] Obviously. Clarence: Why you care? Why don’t you just let me die? Foreman: I’m different than you. Clarence: Right, you love me like your own mama. That’s why the nurse says you kicked her out when my heart nearly stopped. Foreman: Take a deep breath. [He sticks Clarence in the spine with the needle.] Any family history of mental illness? Clarence: I always heard my pa was crazy; I never met the man with my mom, it was the drugs. Foreman: Any siblings? Clarence: Got a brother, pretty much raised him on my own. Foreman: Inspirational story. He doin’ time, too? Clarence: Hey. He’s a good kid. Don’t go judgin’ what you don’t know. Foreman: How’s his health? Clarence: I haven’t heard from him since I went inside. Spent 16 years with him, changed his damn diapers. Can you imagine your whole life bein’ about the worst thing you ever did? Foreman: You klled four people. Somehow, making mac and cheese just the way he wants kind of loses its significance. [Cut to House entering his office. Cameron is sitting at his desk.] House: Oh no. Now you’ve left your entire body in my chair. What does that mean you want? Cameron: I need a segmental bronchoalveolar lavage. House: I take it the CT with contrast came back. Cameron: They’re not definitive. House: Biopsy would be. Cameron: Biopsy would be invasive and unnecessary. House: And definitive. But you don’t want definitive, you want to hang on to your delusions as long as you can. Cameron: A lavage could prove it’s not cancer. House: But you need me to approve the procedure. Must be a bitch. The answer is no. Cameron: Why? Because it’s me? I’m over you. I’ve jumped on the bandwagon. I hate you, okay? House: Great. Let’s treat her. Cameron: What is it? You won’t help Cindy but you’re obsessed with this piece of dirt! Are you just trying to prove that who someone is doesn’t matter, that all that matters is your stupid puzzle? Fine. Treat them the same. That’s all I’m asking. One test. House: Wow, that is remarkable. According to those patchouli-oil selling new-agers, it’s supposed to be the terminal patient, but you’re going through the five stages. You just made a completely seamless transition from anger to bargaining. Cover two more of my clinic hours, you can have your one procedure. [Cameron nods and leaves.] [Cut to Chase and Foreman scanning Clarence’s brain.] Chase: No lesions, no aneurysms. Ironically, the mind of a kller looks completely normal. Foreman: If someone asks you to describe me to them, what’s the first thing you’d tell them? Chase: Insecure. What are you asking? Foreman: Like, if you were setting me up on a blind date. Would you describe me to the girl as the black guy, a neurologist,car thief? Chase: This guy’s really getting to you, isn’t he? [Cut to Cameron, performing the procedure on Cindy. Wonderful CGI sht up Cindy’s nose.] [Cut to Cameron looking at the test results with Wilson.] Cameron: There’s no sign of infection. Wilson: You’re gonna have to do the biopsy. [Cut to Cuddy yelling at House in his office.] Cuddy: Your Death Row guy’s still here! House: Yeah, sorry. Just gotta get him sab. Probably keep him on fluids for a few more hours, then off he goes. Cuddy: Oh yeah? ‘Cause I’m figuring that you still think he’s sick. House: Figuring requires deductive reasoning. I’m figuring that you did no figuring. Stacy just ratted me out, right?So much for attorney-client privilege. Cuddy: I’m the client, you moron. Stacy has a duty to this hospital. House: Right. Cuddy: I’m sending him back to prison. House: Whoa, can’t. Court order. Cuddy: Court order says he has to be declared healthy. Doesn’t specify what doctor needs to make that declaration. [Cuddy leaves, and House goes to follow.] [Cut to Clarence screaming his head off.] Cuddy: [bored] What is it, Clarence? Clarence: My gut! Cuddy: Would you describe it as a sh*ting pain? A throbbing pain? Or maybe an imaginary pain because you don’t want to go back to prison? House: Where does it hurt? Clarence: My gut, I feel like I’m getting sab! [Screams again.] House: Well, he’d know. Let me take a look. Cuddy: Oh, so everybody lies except a convicted mrder. [CGI sht of some nasty stuff in Clarence’s bowels. Ew. House removes the covers to reveal blood flowing out of Clarence’s nether regions. More ew.] House: I don’t think he’s faking this stuff. What do you think, Doctor? [Clarence screams a lot more for emphasis.] [Cut to House looking at Clarence’s prison records in his office. Stacy enters.] Stacy: I didn’t have any choice. House: No, you had to tell Cuddy. She’s your boss, I get it. htler thought he was doing the world a favor, too. Stacy: Yeah, pretty much on that same level. House: Gandhi didn’t march the sea because his buddies asked him too, Pol Pot didn’t wipe out the teachers because he wanted to make friends. Stacy: You’re not making friends right now. House: I trusted you. Stacy: I know. House: Wilson’s a fool. I’m an idiot. Stacy: I had to do what I thought was right. House: It’s the only reason anyone does anything. [Cut to Diagnostics.] Foreman: The surgery went fine. They removed almost a foot of necrotic bowel. They’re shackling him and taking him to recovery. House: I wonder. I wonder why Clarence klled that second inmate. Foreman: Fine, I’ll bite. What the hell are you talking about? House: Everything we do is dictated by motive. [As he erases the white board] Why did he kll his girlfriend? Foreman: Because he’s a maniac! House: Is that the reason he gave? Foreman: She was cheating on him. House: Jealousy. [He writes it on the board.] That gets him sent to prison, where he kills inmate number one. Why? Foreman: Guy attcked him first. House: Revenge. Who’d he klled after that? Chase: Prison guard. House: Got a file full of abuse complaints. Probably been kicking Clarence’s ass for months. Foreman: Clarence is just ridding the world of bad seeds. House: Call that one "retribution". Then he kills inmate number two. Anybody know why? [Chase looks through the file.]Nuh-uh. It’s not in there. [He draws a giant question mark.] [Cut to Clarence.] Clarence: All of a sudden I got to have a reason? House: It’s an anomaly. Doctors love anomalies. Dark spot on an x-ray, bright spot on an MRI…. klling that second inmate is the homicidal equivalent of blood in the urine. It doesn’t fit. I’m interested in things that don’t fit. Tell me why you did it. Your other victims you were almost bragging about. What was different about this guy? Clarence: It happened when I was in gen-pop. I was in the library, just readin’, and I started feelin’ real nervous. This guy was staring at me. I could feel his eyes digging holes in the back of my neck, made me feel crazy. Sweat was pouring down my face. I could hear my heartbeat racing in my ears. I just raged out on the dude. [Cut to House, Foreman and Chase walking to the elevator.] House: So what’s the differential for raging out? Foreman: Excess testosterone, steroids – Chase: Adrenaline – House: Prep Clarence for surgery. Foreman: Care to share with the class? House: Oh, come on. Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I’m not sure how you spell it. [Ed. – But I do!] But you said it yourself, adrenaline. hm sits on top of the adrenal gland, randomly spits out oodles of the stuff. It’s perfect, it explains everything. The tachycardia, pulmonary edema, the vasoconstriction that caused the necrotic bowel – Chase: Even explains how he had the strength to rip the rail off his bed. [House enters the elevator.] Foreman: But pheo’s extremely rare. House: I love rare. Set up an MRI. Where’s Cameron? [They shrug.] Like I don’t know. [Cut to Wilson, walking toward Cindy’s room. Cameron is in Cindy’s room, talking and laughing with her. Wilson knocks on the glass.] Wilson: Dr. Cameron? Could I borrow you for a consult? [She goes outside.] Bittersweet thing about being head of the oncology department, I get CC’ed on all the biopsy results. Cameron: Yeah, I know. She’s terminal. Wilson: Yeah. So I take it you were in there informing her? Cameron: Well, I… I hadn’t exactly gotten around to that, but I was just – Wilson: Doing what? Making friends? Cameron: Cindy’s divorced. She doesn’t have any kids, no siblings, both her parents are gone – Wilson: It’s not your job to be her friend. Do you understand? And it’s not worth it. She feels better her few final days, and you’re not the same, maybe for years. Cameron: You don’t think it’s worth it. Wilson: I know it’s not worth it. Cameron: My husband w – [She stops, looks at Cindy, and turns back.] I met him just after he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. If I hadn’t married him, he was alone. When a good person dies, there should be an impact on the world. Somebody should notice. Somebody should be upset. [She goes back in.] [Cut to Clarence.] Clarence: Pheo-what? House: I don’t even remember. It’s just a fancy way of saying small, adrenaline-secreting tumor. Yeah, that clarified it for you. All you need to know is if I’m right, we can fix it. Just need to find it. We need an MRI. It’s completely painless for most people. Clarence: But not for me? House: I assume you got those tattoos in prison. Prison tats often contain inks with heavy metals. The MRI’s basically a giant magnet. It’d suck those metallic inks right out of your skin. [Cut to Clarence being put into the MRI. He looks very anxious. The scan starts, and then we hear screaming, and see him writhing around.] House: Stop squirming. Don’t make us do this again. Big baby. Chase: Still don’t see anything. Clarence: Turn it off! House: There’s Waldo. Found it, Clarence. Clarence: Turn it off! Turn this damn thing off! House: Keep him in there until you guys see it too. [He leaves.] Foreman: Son of a bitch. [Cut to Foreman entering House’s office at night.] Foreman: Looks like they got the pheo out successfully. So what now? House: Clarence goes back to Death Row. Foreman: Just like that? House: He’s cured. Foreman: That tumor caused random shts of adrenaline, which obviously led to the rage attcks that made him a mrder in the first place. House: By God, you’re right! Let’s call the surgeons, we’ve got to save that tumor. Put it on the witness stand. Foreman: We could testify at Clarence’s appeal. House: [sniffs] You smell that? I think that is the stink of hypocrisy. You wouldn’t even consider the notion that Clarence’s social upbringing was responsible for what he became, but now you’re sprinting to the witness stand to blame everything on a little tumor. Foreman: A person’s upbringing and their biology are completely different. House: Yeah. See, you only overcame one of them. Well, let’s just give Clarence a free pass, hmmm? Course, you’re probably going to piss off all those other pheo sufferers who managed to control their rage attcks and become lawyers, race car doctors, and even doctors. Removing that tumor puts a stop to those random shts adrenaline, but it doesn’t absolve him. Foreman: You want him to be excuted? House: That’s not what I’m saying. Foreman: Got an opinion? House: Everyone’s got an opinion. [Foreman turns to leave as "Hallelujah", the most overused great song in media begins to play.] Foreman: I, uh, I think I’m gonna testify at Clarence’s appeal. House: You’ll do what you think is right. On your own time. [He leaves.] [Cut to Cameron finally telling Cindy that she’s dying.] Cindy: But it’s just a cough. [Cameron tries not to cry, and gives Cindy a hug.] [Let’s continue with the closing montage. Clarence is led out the hospital, flanked by numerous guards. Foreman watches him leave. House is sitting at his desk, watching his now-almost-empty bottle of rum. He pours some into a coffee mug (awesome!)and looks at the five steps written on his light board. He erases them all but "acceptance", and then that one goes too.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x01 - Acceptance"}	foreverdreaming
[A little girl is singing along with a tape player, the song is Beautiful sung by Christina Aguilera and the girl is giving it all she has. She is putting on a wig, taking her pills (lots of pills), preparing to give herself an injection. This is not a healthy little girl but she isn't letting it get her down.] Mom: 10-minute warning Girl (Andie): I'm fine Mom: What about your meds? Girl (Andie): I got it mom. [As she gives herself an injection everything seems to go crazy, the walls shake, the pipes burst, the music fades and the mirror shatters; bringing her back to reality. Mom rushes in and finds Andie standing in front of the shattered mirror, her hand bloody.] [Cut to credits. Love the theme music] [Opens on a closed elevator; we hear a sneeze as the doors open revealing... House.] Wilson: House! Need you. House: Uh uh, forget it. I'm going home. Wilson: Hay fever? House: Boy, you must be a doctor and everything! Wilson: Two minutes. House: No, the purple thingy on the file means that "whoever" is one of yours, which means cancer, which means no way is it two minutes. Wilson: Fine, I'm lying. 30 minutes. [House looks like he's going to sneeze... and then doesn't] House: Mystery of life. Wilson: Benadryl might help. House: I already did 1000 milligrams. [He sneezes] Wilson: Steam room? House: Why Jimmy. We'll talk about this in the morning. Wilson: I've got a nine year old with cancer. Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma. Terminal kid trumps your stuffy nose. House: Not yet. Wilson: She's hallucinating. [He said the magic word] House: So the Rhabdo's in her brain. Make her comfortable she's got about a week. Wilson: Yeah except there is no cancer in her brain. Pristine CT scan, blood tests, protein markers all negative. House: The cancer's in remission? Which means the hallucinations are unconnected. Wilson: Fascinating huh? And not that it matters but if you fix whatever's going on in her head you give her maybe another year. Long time for a nine year old. House: No. It'll just fly by. [The ducklings are looking at Andie's file in the office] Cameron: Five major surgeries, a bone marrow transplant, 14 rounds of chemo and blast radiation. Chase: If it was me I'd just stay home and watch TV or something. Not lie here under a microscope. [A sneeze] House: Don't worry, anything happens to you nobody's is going to lift a finger. Differential diagnosis on your marks, get set... Foreman: Hallucinations could be caused by... House: Whoa. Wait for it... and go. Foreman: Latent neurotoxicity from the chemo treatments. Cameron: No. The patient's last round of chemo was two months ago. We would have seen it by now. Chase: Genetic component. Foreman: No, nothing on mom. Dad split when she was pregnant [ Cameron hands House a cup of tea] his medical history is also clean. House: What a guy. Chase: What about graft vs. host disease from the bone marrow transplant? Infection travels to her brain and she has hallucinations. Foreman: Blood work and LP were clean. House: [Looking at the scan] But where there's infection there's meningial swelling. Foreman: That CT shows no meningial involvement. House: True. Get a tox screen and MRI. Foreman: We can do that if you what to ignore what we just discussed. House: Sounds good. Cameron: Toxic exposure doesn't make chronological sense. House: Yes, there is a third option she's making it all up because she doesn't want to get in trouble for breaking a mirror. Unfortunately we can't test for that so... [He looks at Chase] Tox screen, MRI and you [He looks at Cameron] stay away from the patient. Cameron: What'd I do? House: Oh well, you'd just get all warm and cuddly around the dying girl and insinuate yourself; end up in a custody battle. Chase you handle the mom. Tell her that you'd just sit home and watch TV and die, but you're going to go though the motions of trying to save her daughters life. It's a doctor thing. [They begin to exit and he sips the tea] What the hell is this? Cameron: Black walnut and ginger. House: It's nice. [The MRI room] Chase: Let's lay you down and I'll attach this thingamajiggy. Andie: Sat monitor. Chase: Oh, a pro. I don't have to explain anything. I like it. [He's prepping her and finds her central line] Andie: Central line for the chemo. Chase: Yeah. It doesn't hurt or anything does it? Andie: No it's awesome. Instead of an IV; it saves me a lot of time and a bunch of needle sticks. Chase: Don't think I've ever heard anyone say they like the central line before. Alright, can I interest you in a walk in the park? [He turns on the wall monitor] Andie: No thanks. Chase: Okay. [He changes the image to a field of butterflies] Andie: Don't want any butterflies either; doesn't matter what the walls look, like you're still looking for cancer. Chase: Not today. We're looking for an infection, but I get your point. You comfortable? Andie: Yep. Chase: Alright let's get this over with. Andie: A pro. I like it. [In the clinic] House: Whoa look at the time I should have been out of here 20 minutes ago. Nurse: You've only been here 20 minutes. House: Can't slip anything by you can I. Nurse: There's a patient in one. House: I'm taking a sick day. Cuddy: Take some Claritin. House: Everyone's a doctor suddenly. Nurse: Patient in one requested a male doctor. Cuddy: Balls are in your court, Doctor. House: Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch. Cuddy: Exam room one. House: Well it's sexist and a very dangerous precedent; if people could choose the sex of their doctors you gals would be out business. Cuddy: Exam room one. [Exam room one] House: Sore throat? [We see the patient holding an open book in front of him, he removes it to reveal blood stained pants] Well it's not Lupis. Well not everyone can operate a zipper; the up, the down. What comes next? Patient: My new girl friend never been with a guy who wasn't c-circumcised so she freaked and? House: Aha, and you wanted Rivkah to feel all gemutlicht. I get it it's a shandah. [The patient drops his pants as House turns toward him] Gah! Patient: I got some box cutters and uh... House: Just like Abraham did it. Patient: I sterilized them which, uh, I was told you're... House: Stop talking. I'm gonna get a plastic surgeon. Get the Twinkie back in the wrapper. [Cut to the hallway outside the clinic] Foreman: House. Hey, house. Andie's MRI and tox screen were clean. No infection. No neurotoxins. [House hands his bag and tosses his cane to Cameron then takes the test results] House: Oxygen saturation is 94%, check her heart. Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal. House: It's off by one percentage point. Foreman: It's within range. It's normal. House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point she'd be a dolphin. We've got a patient, who for no obvious reason is hallucinating. Since it's not obvious, I thought we'd go with subtle. Cameron: It doesn't matter if her sat percentage is off that means her blood isn't getting enough oxygen. That's a problem with her lungs not her heart Foreman: A lung problem isn't causing hallucinations. Chase: But the lungs could lead us somewhere that is. House: Welcome to the end of the thought process. Chase: Primary pulmonary hypertension. Cameron: Maybe PE or pulmonary fibrosis. Foreman: Could be some bizarre case of kyphoscoliosis. [Chase laughs] House: I'm going home. While I'm resting you guys get some arterial blood gasses. Once you confirm she is hypoxic I want a plethysmography, Chest X-ray, CT and VQ. And if all that comes back negative then snake a catheter into her lungs. Don't worry, I don't sleep in. I'll get bagels. [In the test lab] Chase: You ever had this test before? [Andie shakes her head] Andie: What's it for? Chase: This goes all the way up the vein by your hip into your lung. If I find something up there blocking anything I pull it out. Simple. Andie: Its gonna be easy. The doctor at Sloan told me I had a great aorta. Chase: Oh, you have had this test before. Andie: Sorry. I just like hearing you talk. [Chase laughs and goes back to work] Andie: I've never kissed a boy. Chase: There's time yet for that. Andie: There was a boy last summer; I was at one of those cancer camps. Chase: Uh huh. Andie: I just never had the guts to ask him. You know there's a good chance I'm not gonna walk out of this hospital. Even if I do I'm nine. There's not a lot of kissing going on in the third grade. Chase: You will walk out of here, alright, and you will kiss a boy. There you go. A smile. Andie: Will you kiss me? Chase: No. Andie: No one will ever know. Chase: I'm... I'm... I'm sorry I can't. Andie: I won't tell anyone. Chase: Listen, you're nine years old I'm thirty. Andie: I just want to know what it feels like. Once. Chase: This isn't your last chance for that. Andie: What if it is? Please kiss me. [After a moment he kisses her and immediately feels like a big perv] [In the office] House: Bagels. Foreman: You didn't sleep in. House: Didn't sleep. Didn't breathe. I'm dying. Chase: Pulmonary angiogram of Andie's lungs was clean. Arterial blood gasses and a CT scan were also normal. Her heart and lungs are fine. House: Which gives us no explanation for the diminished sat percentage. Foreman: Yeah oddly enough sometimes normal is normal. House: Sometime we can't see why normal isn't normal. Get her symptoms on the board. Cameron: Whoa; you're letting me touch the markers? House: It's written down in my advanced health care directive, should I be incapacitated in any way you run the board, then Foreman. Chase you're just not ready yet. What else? Foreman: Guys, I know we ruled out infection but if we forget the labs for a minute, there is one infection we didn't test for because of her age. Neurosyphilis. Chase: There's no way. Foreman: If the infection dipped into her cerebral cortex all peripheral functions could be compromised. Chase: No she hasn't had sex, she's nine! Foreman: Maybe it wasn't her idea. I mean she's been around a lot of adults; all the hospital visits, the counselors at the cancer camps. Cameron: You think she's been molested. Chase: She's hiding it pretty well if there's any of that going on. House: Yeah, all girls who've been molested want to talk about it. Break out the rpe kit. Chase: She hasn't had sex. House: Why are you so sure? Chase: She told me she'd never kissed a boy. House: You read her diary too? Chase: She asked me to kiss her. House: I rest my case. A regular nine year old girl does not have sex on the brain, not when a doctor is threading a catheter through her vein. Chase: But she's not a regular nine year old. She's got terminal cancer. House: Cancer doesn't make you special. Molestation on the other hand... Chase: She wanted one kiss before she dies. If she's never kissed a boy it's a fair bet she's never had sex. House: Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth. Hey, here's a theory, she has been molested, seeks refuge in romantic fantasies with older men with great hair. And I think you left out the punch line, victims of molestation learn to work the angles. Manipulate people. You did it didn't you. You kissed her. Chase: It wasn't sick. [Foreman and Cameron freak out quietly] It was one kiss for a dying girl. One small... one small kiss before she dies. Thank you. Thanks. House: This is why you can't touch my markers. Go see if she's had sex. Cameron: Okay. [Exam room] Andie: No one's ever touched me. Cameron: We just need to be sure. Andie: I like your hair. I used to have really curly hair. I always wanted it to be like yours is. Cameron: Thank you. Alright, that's it, you're fine. [House throws a pebble at Wilson's office window, and then another until his friend looks up] Wilson: With a patient. House: Is she dying? Wilson: No. House: Then she can wait. Wilson: Would you excuse me, just 2 minutes. House: If only she'd been molested then we'd have something to go on. [He tries to open a jar of mentholatum] No forced entry. Wilson: One hallucination; maybe it was just bad pork, maybe there's nothing... House: She's not fine. Her sat percentage dropped another point. [He keeps struggling with the jar] Wilson: Which could suggest a tumor in her lung. House: Lung wouldn't explain the hallucination. CT scan showed both lungs were clean, which means there's a tumor in her heart. Wilson: Not a chance. Give me that. [Wilson opens the jar] House: I loosened it. Wilson: I opened it. We've got an MRI and an echo of her heart, there's nothing there. House: Give me one other explanation for low oxygen saturation. Wilson: I can't. There's only one condition that simultaneously affects the heart and the brain but she... House: Perfect let's go with that. Wilson: Tuberous Sclerosis in a kid that also has Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma. Two different unrelated cancers at the same time is a statistical no no. House: What's the rate of cancer in the general population? 1 in 10,000? Wilson: Don't, don't start with the numbers. House: The way I figure it 1 in 10,000 of them should have another cancer. Little girl won the lottery twice. It happens. Wilson: So you're gonna cut her open? House: Exploratory surgery, gotta find this thing. Wilson: You're just going to grope around inside an immuno-compromised nine year old she could die on the table. House: I know its somewhere near the heart. Wilson: House, you've gotta do better than that. [House is listening to Italian opera in the locker room] Foreman: Why are we here? House: Better acoustics. Now listen to this. Chase: That's a mitral heart valve. House: No, get the wax out of your ears. This is the patient's aortic valve. I downloaded the audio of her echocardiogram. Foreman: What are we trying to hear? House: Tumor. Chase: They tend to keep quiet on account of them not having any mouths. House: But we could hear an abnormality in the sound of the valve, which would indicate the presence of something; a tumor for example. If we can tell the surgeon where to look this is no longer exploratory surgery it's a precision strike. Foreman: Her aortic valve sounds normal. House: Too bad. Now listen to the dulcet tones of Andie's tricuspid valve. Cameron: Normal. House: And this is her mitral valve. Chase: I don't hear anything weird. House: You guys make me sad. Listen again. Chase: She's had one hallucination. Why are we operating on her? Why are we risking her life? House: Because Wilson thinks it'll be nice to give the girl a year to say good bye to her mommy. I guess maybe she stutters or something. Now shut up and listen. Tricuspid. Mitral. Again. Cameron: Wait. There. There's an extra flap. House: I'm gonna ask the surgeon to look at the mitral valve first. Chase, I want you there. I don't like reading surgeons reports, they're boring. Chase: I'm not really sure I should be spending more time... House: She'll be unconscious you'll be safe. [They leave and House goes back to the opera] Mom: I'll be there when you wake up. Andie: I'm gonna be fine mom. Wilson: Brave kid, she even gave her mom a pep talk. House: Sure. Brave. She's a wonder. Wilson: What's your problem? House: These cancer kids; you can't put them all on a pedestal. It's basic statistics some of them have to be whiny little fraidy cats. Wilson: You're unbelievable. House: If there's not one yellow-belly in the group then being brave doesn't have any meaning. Wilson: Andie handles an impossible situation with grace. That's not to be admired? House: You see grace because you wanna to see grace. Wilson: You don't see grace because you won't go anywhere near her. House: Idolizing is pathological with you people. You see things to admire where there's nothing. Wilson: Yeah, well, we're evil. House: You find things to admire where you shouldn't be sniffing at all; like Debbie in accounting. Wilson: She's nice. House: You shouldn't know that, you're married. Wilson: So the little kid dying of cancer, I shouldn't like her? House: If you're dying suddenly everybody loves you. Wilson: You have a cane, nobody even likes you. House: I'm not terminal, merely pathetic; you wouldn't believe the crap people let me get away with. [Wilson watches the surgery from the viewing area. Mom waits alone. Chase looks up and shakes his head. They've found it.] Wilson: They found a tumor it's in her lung extending into her heart. It wasn't visible on the MRI because it's growing along the heart wall. Now because of the placement, the surgeon has to temporarily remove Andie's heart. It's called an explant. They cut out the tumor and replace any damaged heart muscle with bovine patches. That's a patch made from cow's pericardium. It's a sac that encloses the heart. Mom: Wat are her chances? Wilson: The problem is there might not be enough heart left once they remove all of the tumor. And if the tumor's metastasized there nothing we can do. [Chase is giving the girl eye drops and notices something] Chase: Dr. Murphy. Murphy: Just let me tie this off. Chase: Doctor. Murphy: What? Chase: She's got a bleed in her eye. House: They got the tumor, repaired her heart but she bled out of her eye. Wilson: She didn't bleed out of her eye from a heart tumor. House: True. The cardiac tumor was benign. Wilson: That's impossible. House: Statistically. Wilson: Oh shut up. If the tumor's benign that means it didn't cause her hallucinations. House: That's why I'm mentioning it. Wilson: So the tumor is a coincidence. House: This is bad you're starting to state the obvious. Wilson: No, you said it would be there, it was there. It can't be a coincidence. [They enter the office] House: A nine year old with terminal cancer gets an unrelated benign tumor growing in her heart why? Cameron: It's benign? That's impossible. House: Talk to Wilson. Wilson: And the retinal bleed? Another coincidence? Chase: A clot could create pressure behind the eye cause the bleed. Wilson: A clot could explain the eye, but doesn't explain the hallucinations. Foreman: A clot could cause mini seizures. Wilson: Great; another thing that's not causing the hallucinations. Foreman: Post seizure psychosis; the brain sort of corrects itself after the seizure by hallucinating. Wilson: The clot could explain the eye and the hallucinations, but what about the tumor. Tumors the size of an octopus wrapped around a little girls heart are not just a coincidence. Cameron: She's not healthy. She's never been healthy. Wilson: What's the theory here? This girl's body's a lemon? Faulty manufacturing? Everything's falling apart. House: The tumor is Afghanistan the clot is Buffalo. Does that need more explanation? Ok the tumor is Al Qaeda. Big bad guy with brains. We went in and wiped it out but it had already sent out a splinter cell; a small team of low level trrorists quietly living in some suburb of Buffalo, waiting to kll us all. Foreman: Whoa, whoa, you're trying to say that the tumor threw a clot before we removed it. House: It was an excellent metaphor, angio her brain for this clot before it straps on an explsive vest. [Cameron and Foreman angio the brain] House: Angio was clean. Wilson: There's no clot? House: There's a clot, we just can't find it. Wilson: We can't do exploratory surgery on her brain. House: Are you sure you're not a neurologist? Wilson: [Sighs] Okay, she's gonna die. House: Well the clots not gonna to go away quietly. It could blow at anytime. Are you gonna let them know? Wilson: I guess so. House; Can I come with? Wilson: To tell Andie she's going to die? That's very un-you. House: She's such a brave girl. I want to see how brave she is when you tell her she's gonna die. Wilson: Go to hell. [House watches Wilson tell Andie and her mom from a distance. Mom cries and the girl comforts her. Wilson looks at House] [In the office] House: What would you do if you were told you were gonna die? Foreman: I don't know, I'd be devastated. House: You'd cry like a baby, everybody would, but she's not doing anything. She's a rock. Cameron: She's brave. House: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why? Chase: She's gone through more than most people do in a lifetime. House: So what? Does that mean she's ready to die? What if her bravery is a symptom? The clot is causing hallucinations and messing with her emotions. Foreman: You think her bravery is chemically based. House: Would tell us where to look for the clot. Where's the fears center? Foreman: The amygdala near the hippocampus; it's a big area and a busy one. You blindly cut in there you'll kll her. The only time you're going to see this clot is at autopsy. [Light bulb moment] House: Then let's do that. [Cuddy's office] House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person? Cuddy: Are you high? House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted. Cuddy: It's Wednesday. House: I want to induce a hypothermic cardiac arrest. Once the patients on bypass we siphon off two liters of blood then perfuse the brain while she's in an MRI. Cuddy: You're actually talking about klling her. House: Just for a little while, I'll bring her right back. Cuddy: Oh, well, in that case go ahead. Why are even talking? House: If we do nothing she's dad in a day, maybe a week; the kind that lasts. Cuddy: We need FDA approval for any surgical technique that's used for diagnostic purposes. House: Absolutely. If we were doing anything invasive; but there's nothing invasive. [He almost sneezes] Gah. You know, I'm not cutting into her head I'm just looking for a clot. Cuddy: Not invasive? You're klling her. House: Don't split hairs, if it works she lives. Cuddy: Make sure the mom understands that this is a million to one sht. House: I'll see that Wilson passes that along. Wilson: The plan is basically to... reboot your daughter. Like a computer. We shut her down then restart her. Mom: How do you restart a nine year old girl? Wilson: We cool her core body temperature to 21 degrees Celsius. Use blankets. Ice. Mom: Sort of like... like hibernation? Wilson: Not quite, in hibernation a bears' heart bat is just very slow; in cardiac arrest there is no heart bat. Mom: So she's dad. Wilson: Temporarily yes. By cooling her we limit the risk of damage when we remove her blood. Not all of it, two to three liters. Mom: Half her blood. Wilson: Then we put it back. It's called perfusing the circuit. In this case her brain, and using an MRI we'd have a very brief window to, hopefully, see the outline of the clot. If its there and if it's operable, we go get it. And Andie walks out of here. [House is playing with a card in his office] Wilson: Signed consent forms. House: Great. Thanks. Wilson: You sound better. House: I stacked a combo of mentholatum, a few vicodin and something else which I can't remember. Should be able to ride the high for a couple hours; what did Andie say? Wilson: About what? House: About this. Wilson: I didn't talk to her; she doesn't need to know the specifics of this procedure. House: What if you're right about her? What if she just is that brave? Wilson: That doesn't mean she's mature enough to handle this kind of decision. House: Either she understands or she's not brave. You can't have it both ways. If she does understand... then she deserves to know what's going on. [Andie's room] House: I'm doctor House. Andie: I've seen you around. House: Did your mom tell you what we're gonna try? Andie: Sorta. House: Tomorrow's test could take ten hours, in your present condition you might not even make it through. Andie: My mom's done a lot of research. House: How do you feel about it? If we figured maturity came from how much time you've got left instead how long you've been here, this would be your call. Andie: I don't have a choice right? House: I could give you one. Andie: I wanna get better. House: You've got cancer. I fix this... Andie: I've got a year. House: A year of this. A lot of people wouldn't want that. A lot of people would just want it to be over. Andie: Are you asking if I want to die? House: Nobody wants to die. But you're going to. The question is how, how much you're gonna suffer and how long. I'm asking if you want this to be over. Andie: What would you tell my mom? House: I could give her ten excellent medical reasons why we can't do this procedure. Andie: I can't just leave her cause I'm tired. House: But you can't stay for her either. Andie: But she needs me here. House: This is your life, you can't do this just for her. Andie: I love her. [Operating room] House: Thank you for joining me for tonight's dress rehearsal. Playing the part of Andie is Morty Randolph. [He gestures at a cadaver] For his donation to science we give our thanks. Once Andie is cool and goes off bypass we have 60 seconds to get 2 liters of blood out of her body and back into her for the pictures to find the clot in her head. IF our star is bumped tomorrow [He barely touches the cadaver and lights start to flash] while my MRI is on these red lights will go off which will mean we have no useable test results. No test results; its goodbye Broadway. You guys will be wearing bad cat suits in Des Moines. Neurosurgeons here, with a view of the monitors. Cardiac surgeon there, in case we need to open her up. Anesthesiologists, one by the cardiac bypass machine, one by the cooling apparatus. Girls in the chorus if you're over 5' 10" stick with me. Okay give me 60 seconds on the clock. Showtime. A five, six, seven, eight... siphon off the blood through the arterial line WHOOSH, sound of blood draining. More whoosh. Glug, glug, glug and we... [Red lights] kll her. Again. [Red lights] Doctor 1: Sorry, my hand slipped. House: How hard can this be? Doctor 2: It's a little busy down here. House: Again! [Red lights] Doctor 2: If we didn't have to lavage her gastrointestinal... House: Again! [Red lights] House: Again! Foreman: We could bolt her to the table. House: Gruesome and low tech. Kiss me I love it. A five, six, seven, eight... [Fade to Andie on the operating table] Nurse: Here you go doctor. House: This'll make you sleep. Andie: A lot of people. House: Big musical number kiddo; a lot of people here to make you look good. Andie: You're kind of freaking me out. Chase: He gets that sometimes. Anesthesiologist 1: Deep breath honey. House: Okay go. [Big scary procedure as described previously by Wilson. With the added task of Foreman bolting the girls head to the table] Anesthesiologist 1: Body temperature, 37 degrees Celsius. House: Start the cooling. You. Go. Chase: She's shivering. House: 200 milligrams of vicuronium. Anesthesiologist 1: 24 degrees Celsius. Doctor 1: We have A-phib. [House turns off the monitor volume] House: What? She's dad; that's the whole idea. Go. Anesthesiologist 2: 1 liter out... 2 liters. House: Okay put the blood back in; reperfuse the circuit. [MRI starts to appear on the monitors] House: Anything people? Anything at all? Neuro 1: Internal carotid artery and cavernous sinus is fine. Doctor 1: 10 seconds. Foreman: Vestibulocolcular nerve intact. Neuro 2: Middle meningial artery clear. Doctor 1: 5 seconds. Neuro 1: Nothing. Doctor 1: We're over the limit. We've got to start re-warming her or there'll be permanent damage. House: Keep looking. Foreman: There! House: I didn't see anything. Foreman: It was there. House: Are you sure? Foreman: 4 millimeters lateral to the hippocampus. I saw it. Doctor 1: House, she's out of time; she's gonna be a vegetable. Foreman: I saw it. House: That's good enough for me. [Waiting room] Wilson: They were able to restart her heart. She's doing as well as can be hoped. Mom: So they found they clot. Wilson: We think so. The neurosurgeons are attempting to remove it right now. Mom: And when will we know if there was any damage? Wilson: A few hours. [Mom cries] [Music montage: Bird York -In the Deep] [House is playing with a ball in his office... waiting] [Foreman is in the operating room] Foreman: 4 millimeters lateral to the hippocampus. Neuro: That's where I am. There's nothing there. Foreman: You're not there yet. Keep going. Neuro: I'm there. Are you sure you saw... there it is. I think I can get it. [Foreman turns to Chase who is watching from outside] Andie: Hi Mom. Mom: Ohh, hi baby. [She cries] [House is in his office... cutting a white powder on a mirror using a razor blade] Wilson: You're treating your stuffy nose with cocaine? House: Diphenhydramine. Antihistamine. New delivery system; it's a blood brain barrier thing. Wilson: It's all about speed isn't it? One thing to another; never standing still. You're pretty good at that. House: I know my way around a razor blade. Wilson: Its time. House: Just a couple more rocks. Wilson: Andie's going home. House: Right, parade of the small bald circus freaks. Sorry, I got a thing. Wilson: I read the surgeons report. House: Oh? Wilson: Clot was no where near her amygdala. Means her fear emotions were working perfectly. House: Yeah. Wilson: Yeah. So her bravery was not a symptom. House: Yeah. I was wrong; she genuinely is a self sacrificing saint whose life will bring her nothing but pain, which she will stoically withstand just so that her mom doesn't have to cry quite so soon. I'm beside myself with joy. [He does a line] Whoa! Wilson: She enjoys life more than you do. House: Right. Wilson: She stole that kiss from Chase. What have done lately? House: I'm pacing myself; unlike her I have the luxury of time. Wilson: She could outlive you. [Andie hugs everyone goodbye in turn; Cuddy, Cameron, Foreman, Wilson] Chase: [Handing her tickets to the American Museum of Natural History] Incase you want to see real butterflies. [They hug and she kisses him on the cheek] House: I'm not gonna kiss you no matter what you say. [She hugs him] Andie: It's sunny outside, you should go for a walk. House:[He looks at his cane] Not much for long walks in the park. Now get. [Closes the way it opened with Beautiful. Sung this time by Elvis Costello] [House stands on the street looking at some motorcycles, a guy is talking to him but he doesn't hear it because the song is actually playing on his head phones] Salesman: Right leg? [House removes the headphones] House: Huh? Salesman: Your right leg? You can still ride. We've got excellent financing right now. It lists for 10-8 but I'll let you steal it out the door for 10-3. House: No thanks. [He starts to leave and then turns back] Could I test drive one of these things? [Fade out on House: riding the open road]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x02 - Autopsy"}	foreverdreaming
[Cuddy is jogging.] Cuddy [to neighbor]: Morning. [Cuddy reaches her front yard and stops. There is man on a ladder working on, presumably, her roof] Cuddy: Hey, Alfredo. You done already? Alfredo: Ah, no, not yet. I finish tomorrow. Cuddy: Mexico playing Argentina on TV? Alfredo: No, no. My asthma is very bad. Cuddy: For six years, Alfedro. You can’t lie to me. I’m throwing a dinner. Alfredo: First thing tomorrow. Cuddy: Party’s tonight. It’ll rain. I’ll have to put buckets on the dining room table. Alfredo: No clouds, no rain. Cuddy: I’ll tell you what. You take off. But if it pours into my guest’s wine glasses… Alfredo: Okay. Okay, senora, I’ll do it. [Cuddy walks back towards the door, glancing towards Alfredo.] Alfredo: No problema. [Cuddy enters her house, throws keys on the dining room table, and goes into her kitchen. She opens the fridge and pours herself a glass of water. She walks to the window and starts to choke on the water. A slight scream is heard. Suddenly, Alfedro falls off the roof.] [Alfredo is on the stretcher, with neck collar and full spinal precautions. Cuddy is moving a stethoscope across his chest.] Cuddy: Spinal cord seems intact. Take a deep breath. [Alfredo tries and wheezes.] Alfredo: It hurts. Cuddy: Try. Breath sounds bilateral. I don’t think he has a pneumothorax. Alfredo: [still wheezing] Just asthma. Cuddy: That and probably a broken rib. Tell me when it hurts the most. [Cuddy pushes down and Alfredo squirms in pain. Cuddy notices that two fingers on his right hand are discolored.] Cuddy: Your two little fingers are darker than the others. Alfredo: They feel funny…like needles. Cuddy: How long have they been like that? Alfredo: I’ve never noticed before. Is bad? [Cuddy looks up. It’s bad.] [Hospital Hallway.] Cuddy: Judging by how it looks, he could lose his hand. Wilson: How does falling off your roof do that to a guy’s fingers? House: Could have tweaked a vertebrae in his neck. Could have pinged on the ulnar…[House is staring down at a red stain on Cuddy’s tnk top just below her breasts.] Sorry, trouble concentrating. That tnk top really absorbs moisture. [Cuddy reached to pull her sweater closer around her.] House: Could have pinged the ulnar nerve, cut the blood flow. Or it could be Disseminated intravascular coagulation. Wilson: DIC.? Guy falls off a roof, the first thought is it’s always a clotting problem House: Trauma can activate the clotting enzymes. Guy could loose more than his hand. Cuddy: Thank you, very much. This guy’s been working for me for a long time and I-- House [takes chart]: Do I get bonus points if I act like I care? [Cuddy just looks at him.] [House’s Office] [House enters, sucking on a lollipop.] House: Cervical MRI, work up for DIC, and start him on a heparin drip Cameron: Who? House: You want to know his name? [throws file down on the table] I’m sure it’s in the file. [Cuddy enters.] House: Or you could ask her. She’s his oldest, bestest friend. They were in Cub Scouts together. Cuddy: I’ll get started on the blood tests. House: You haven’t been a real doctor in ten years, you’ll make a mess all over the sheet. Foreman: I’ll do it. Cuddy: You have clinic duty. I still know how to handle a patient. House: Get me blood. Lots of blood. [Cameron reads through Alfedro’s chart and makes a face. The ducklings get up.] House: They’re better. They’ve showered. Hallway. [Cuddy is peering into Alfredo’s room where Chase is taking blood. Stacy comes up behind her.] Stacy: You don’t need to see him. Cuddy: One-handed handyman aren’t in big demand. Stacy: Talking, that’s how law suits are lost. I know you, Lisa, you go in, you offer to pay his medical bills, his wages, you’ll say something stupid like I’m sorry— Cuddy: You think I’m an idiot? Stacy: I think you’re not a lawyer. Don’t go in there. [puts a hand on Cuddy’s shoulder]. Trust me, House’s people can handle this. [Stacy walks away, Cuddy still looks at the room.] Cuddy [softly]: Yeah… [Alfredo’s Room] Chase: This might sting a little bit. The medicine will thin and the blood and help it to circulate. [Chase looks at Alfredo left hand. There’s four scars, lines that look like four deep scratches.] Chase: Those pretty nasty scars there. Alfredo: They were construction. [Alfredo winces in pain as Chase injects him.] Alfredo: How long will I be in the hospital? Chase: Depends how long it takes us to figure out what’s going on. Alfredo: I need to work. I’ll get fired. Chase: I’m sure Dr. Cuddy won’t fre you. Alfredo: I’m janitor at fast food six nights. I need to work. My mother doesn’t make enough. Brother (Manny): I can work, I’m old enough. Alfredo: You’re old enough when you finish college Brother (Manny): Why? You never went to— Alfredo: I never had a big brother to tell me to shut up! Chase: I promise, we’ll let you out of here as soon as we’re able to Alfredo: Look, I…I am fine. [takes pulse ox off, and reaches for the oxygen cannula]. I feel better. Chase: No.. Alfredo: I go home now. Chase: No, if this is a clotting problem, it could be very serious. All right? Alfredo: Can’t make me stay. [Alfredo takes to get up again. Chase pushes him back down and Alfredo groans.] Alfredo: You can’t make me stay. [Chase notices Alfredo’s right hand.] Chase: Turn your hand over. I need to see your hand. [Chase reaches for it. The last two fingers are almost completely black and it’s spreading onto the middle finger.] Alfredo: Where is Dr. Cuddy? [House’s office.] [House and Cuddy are there.] Chase: We’re got a third finger turning dark. Cameron: His PTT is prolonged, the fibrin split products are off, he’s not clotting properly. It looks like a middle case of DIC. House: Well, obviously not that mild. This keeps up and his hand will literally be dad meat. His hand is connected to his arm, his arm is connected to…I’m not sure, but I bet it’s important. Cuddy: All this from falling off my roof… House: Yeah, if only he’d fallen on his head. Then he wouldn’t have any of these symptoms. [Cuddy looks at him in disbelief.] Cuddy: We need something stronger than heparin. Human activated protein C. House: Looks like Cuddy, same cleavage. Protein C is indicated only for severe sepsis. Cuddy: Well, how many of his limbs have to be at stake, for it to be severe? House: But this stuff is crazy dangerous. It can cause internal bleeding. If he bleeds, he could stroke, he could die. Cuddy: He could get better. House: You know, if I tried a scheme like this, you’d give me that nasty, wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. [House approached Cuddy until he is barely a foot away.] It’s very sexy, I admit. [Cuddy is speechless a second before she starts to walk away.] Cuddy: Do it. [Hallway.] [House and Wilson step out of the elevator.] House: Protein C is border-line irresponsible. ‘Cept that the safe stuff isn’t doing squat. Wilson: This is exactly the type of thing you would do. House: Well, obviously. [Cuddy’s office.] Stacy: It’s actually the type of thing he’d do. Cuddy: I know. I think he’s trying to protect me. Stacy: Now that’s not the type of thing he would do. Cuddy: I overruled him. He’s the best diagnostician in this hospital, and I overrule him. [Stacy and Cuddy sit.] Stacy: You care about this kid. You judgment should be worth more than his. Cuddy: He also pointed out that I haven’t been a real doctor in years. Stacy: Now that sounds like him. [Hallway.] [House reaches into a jar filled with lollipops at the nurse’s station.] Wilson: You were just jerking Cuddy around? [House pulls out three lollipops.] House: You seriously thought I wanted to stop her? Wilson: One thing Cuddy is not is clueless. House: No, first causality of this case is her sense of humor. Wilson: Weird, nothing funnier than almost klling a guy. [Foreman is treating an older African-American man.] Patient: I’m just having trouble getting up those steps. Foreman: When did you start noticing? Patient: Well, a week ago. Foreman: Your blood pressure’s a little high. I have something new that should help you out. Combines a nitrate with a blood pressure pill. It’s targeted to African-Americans. Patient: Targeted? Foreman: Yeah, well, see we tend to have nitric oxide deficiencies. The studies show this drug counteracts that problem. It’s the first drug to— Patient: What kind of studies you talking about? Foreman: What kind of studies are there? They get some patients, they give ‘em some drugs… Patient: Ah…I’ve had white people lying to me for 60 years. Foreman: You think this is a tan? Patient: You think they tell you everything? Foreman: Trouble with us black folk, we can’t tell the difference anymore between racism and everybody gets screwed. Patient: Yeah? Well how about them cheap meningitis drugs they pawning off in Africa? Gonna tell me that ain’t racism? Foreman: That’s just greed. You really want to screw whitie? Be one of the few black men to live long enough to collect social security. [rips off a prescription slip]. Take the medicine. [Patient takes the script.] [Alfredo’s room.] [Alfredo realizes he can’t feel his arm.] Alfredo: Nurse. Nurse! Help! [Chase rushes in.] Alfredo: Nurse! Help! Nurse! Chase: What’s up? Alfredo [very upset]: I can’t move my arm. I can’t move my arm! Chase: Take it easy, take it easy. [Cuddy’s office.] [Chase is talking to Cuddy.] Chase: Protein C’s side effects we were worried about? They happened. Cuddy: Where was the bleed? Chase: His brain. It’s causing right side paralysis. I’ve stopped the treatment. And called a neurosurgeon. [Surgeon is drilling into Alfredo’s head. Cuddy is watching from the observation deck. Blood is pooling out from the drilled hole.] [Alfredo’s room.] [Cameron is flashing a penlight into Alfredo’s pupils. Alfredo lifts his right hand and waves it back and forth slowly.] Alfredo: I can move it now. It’s okay now. Can I go home soon? [Cameron lowers the penlight.] Cameron: The surgery went well, but all we did was fix the problem created by the medicine we gave you. [Mother asks a question in Spanish.] Alfredo: She says you look young. Are you sure you— Cameron: There’s five of us working on the case. [She smiles hesitantly] The others are older. Alfredo: Why doesn’t Dr. Cuddy come to -- [Alfredo starts coughing and Cameron reaches for a glass of water. She hands it to him.] Cameron: You don’t sound too good. [She reaches for her stethoscope. Alfredo’s breathing is ragged.] [CSI sht of his lungs. They are bleeding.] [House’s office.] [Cuddy is studying an x-ray.] Cameron: His fingers are even darker, his temperature is 102 and spiking, and the x-ray now shows lung infiltrates. [House writes “lung infiltrates” across the white board.] House: The good news is he won’t be bitching about losing his hand if he can’t breathe. Cuddy: The trauma from the fall could cause actuate respiratory distress syndrome. House: Right, I forgot. Your roof. Cuddy: It would cause lung infiltrates and maybe fever and conceivably the cyanotic fingers. House: The only question is why? [House shakes out a Vicodin and takes it.] Cameron: Why what? House: Why her weird psychopathology requires a diagnosis formed entirely by personal guilt. Let’s assume we’ve been wrong up until now. Let’s assume, just for one second, that the earth doesn’t revolve around Cuddy’s roof. What if he was sick before he had his run-in with gravity? He just didn’t notice anything. Foreman: Well, pneumonia can cause DIC, which can cause cyanotic fingers. Chase: Pneumonia doesn’t ht that fast. House: Sure, only pavement hits that fast. It’s not pneumonia. Might have missed a finger turning dark, he’s not going to miss breathing problems. What else? Cuddy [looking at x-ray]: It’s pneumonia. He wanted to go home. I thought he was lying. I told him I had a dinner party. I made him go up there. House: Well, why didn’t you just take out a gn and sh*t him? Cuddy: I thought it was just asthma. House: Might have mentioned this earlier, Doctor. Maybe we could have sent some blood cultures to the lab, instead of wasting a day indulging your self-loathing. Cameron: If it’s just garden-variety bacterial pneumonia, he’s gonna be fine. House: So give him garden-variety Levaquin and a garden-variety echo-cardiogram. And go check out the kid’s house. Cuddy: The blood work will show us which type of pneumonia it is, if— House: If he’s huffing nail polish, or pulling the wings off his pet parrot, this way will be faster. I bet Julio is just dying to find out what’s wrong with him. [nods to Cameron]. Go with her. Cuddy: It’s Alfredo. And I can handle getting a key and— House: Rico and I know longer trust you deciding what’s important and what’s not. [Cuddy stares a moment, then leaves. Cameron shakes her head, and then follows.] Foreman: You ever think about writing a book on office politics? House: Trust me. It would be a lot worse if I told her you have to break into her house. Chase: Wait, wait, wait. Cuddy’s house? House: See, it is shocking. Guy’s been working there every day for the last three weeks. Do you think it’s impossible that he could have picked something up? Foreman: I’m not breaking into my boss’s house. House: I’m your boss. Chase: She’s scarier than you are. House: Oh, she’s a woman. Relax, I’m coming with. [House, Chase, and Foreman step out of the elevator. House is sucking on yet another lollipop. They pass Wilson and Stacy.] Stacy: House is having lunch with his juniors now? Wilson: No. Not a chance. Stacy: Then where do you think they’re going? Wilson: I have no idea. Stacy: Then why don’t you think they’re going to lunch? Wilson: Because it’s not like House. That was your point, right? Stacy: He had that smug look on his face when he’s not pleased about something and he’s got to tell somebody and the only somebody he knows is you. Wilson [sighs]: He’s breaking into Cuddy’s home. Stacy: What? Why? Wilson: Um, medical reasons? Stacy: Why is he so curious about Cuddy? Wilson: Why are you so curious about his curiosity? Stacy: Why are you so curious about me being— Wilson: Because you dumped him. And you’re married. And they are neither of those things. Stacy: I’m just curious. Nothing wrong with that. Wilson: No, nothing wrong with that. [Cuddy’s house, exterior.] [House, Foreman, and Chase walk up to Cuddy’s front door.] House: What do you think? Red thongs? I think red thongs. ‘Kay… [House takes out a credit card.] House: Twenty bucks says I can get through this door in twenty seconds. Chase: You’re on. Foreman: Count me in. [Chase takes out his watch to time House. House bends down, moves a planter, and finds key underneath it. House grins and Chase and Foreman get out their wallets. House opens the door and Chase and Foreman file in, each handing him a twenty.] [Alfredo’s home.] [Cuddy has a hall closet open.] Cuddy: No furniture polish, no paint thinner, nor anything else worth sniffing. [Cuddy moves into the kitchen.] Cameron [calling from another room]: Nothing in here, either. [Cameron comes out of a bedroom.] Cameron: Except a few cockroaches. [Cameron steps on one with her shoe.] Cameron: Nice. [She looks up] Someone should fix Alfredo’s roof. So why haven’t you fired House? [Cuddy looks up from the fridge.] Cameron: I mean, it’s just, you guys are always screaming at each other and I figure you hate him— Cuddy [quick to respond]: I don’t hate him. Cameron: Why not? [Cuddy just looks at her.] Cameron: He’s a great doctor, but any other hospital administrator would have fired him years ago. [Cuddy moves to look under the kitchen sink.] Cuddy: Four of them did. The question is why did I hire him? [Cuddy’s house.] Foreman: So how did you know about her key? You been doing a little handyman work for Cuddy yourself? [Foreman walks into the kitchen, where House is examining the contents under the kitchen sink.] House: Someone as obsessive and insecure as Cuddy probably has three extra keys hidden within ten feet of the door. Foreman: Oh, and you consider obsession a negative quality? House: Insecticide is organic, soap is hypoallergenic. [House closes the cabinet.] House: I got the bedroom. [House enters and studies the bed.] House: This is where it all happens. [House turns and launches his butt onto the bed.] [Cameron and Cuddy enter from the hall.] Cameron: You both went to Michigan. Did you know him while you were there. Cuddy: Ah, I was still an undergrad, but yeah, I knew him. He was already a legend. Cameron: So you just knew him as a legend? Cuddy: My God, you’re subtle! Anything else on your mind? [Cameron looks at her a moment, then bends down to look under a set of bunk beds.] Cameron: Ugh. Cuddy: More cockroaches. Cameron: Worse. [Cuddy bends down to take a look. She sees a dad rat in a trap.] Cuddy: Beautiful. [House opens the dresser drawer, while Chase looks out the window.] Chase: There’s no way you deduced where that key was. [House pulls a pink/reddish thong out of Cuddy’s underwear drawer.] House: Does this count as red? [He throws it at Chase, who catches it, then looks to get rid of it.] Chase: You gave yourself twenty seconds, then put money on it. House: Oh my God. She’s got pictures of you in here. [Chase’s eyes widen.] House: Just you. It’s like some kind of weird shrine. Chase: You’re kidding. [Chase approaches the dresser.] House: Yeah. [House shuts the drawer before Chase can see it.] [Cuddy’s bathroom.] [House enters and picks up a large tampon box off a shelf. Chase follows, but stops at the door.] House: She uses super tampons. What does that mean? Chase: You two are just too nasty to each other not to have been…nasty. House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven’t slept with. I am that good. [House bends down to open the cabinet under the bathroom sink. Foreman enters.] Foreman: There’s nothing here. Are you ready to go or you got some more stuff you want to sniff? House: Whoa. Check this out. It’s fuzzy. It’s black. It’s alive. [House reaches a finger out to the pipe under the sink. CSI sht of the bacteria growing there.] [House, Foreman, and Chase are walking and run into an excited Cuddy and Cameron.] Cuddy: Patient’s lung function is declining rapidly. Levaquin’s not working. He obviously doesn’t have garden-variety pneumonia. House: I’m glad you learned to take his impending death in stride. Cuddy: Guess what he does have. Cameron: Rats. House: Scars on his hand… Cameron: Rat bites. House: But he says they’re from construction work so he won’t have to admit he’s got rats in the home. Catholics are right. Pride will kll you. Cuddy: He has Streptobacillosis. Cameron: Rat bite fever. House: Boogy, oggy, oogy. Cuddy: It fits the symptoms perfectly. House: It’s certainly one possibility. What about the aspergillus fungus we found under the sink? [Cuddy picks up the x-ray.] Cuddy: What sink? [House dumps a tissue in the garbage.] House: You ought to clean your bathroom better. Cuddy: You broke into my house? House: No, that would be wrong. I had a key. Cuddy: You had no right to invde my privacy. There was no medical reason for that whatsoever. And there was certainly no moral reason for it. [She looks at the x-ray as she’s talking and notices something.] Cuddy: Oh damn. You’re right. The focal consolidation makes fungal pneumonia far more likely. House: You’re right I’m right. On the bright side, it has the advantage of keeping you totally responsible. Cameron: The treatment for aspergillus is amphotericin. That’s hugely dangerous. Cuddy: Yeah. Your point being? House: Going the dangerous and aggressive route didn’t work last time. It’s bound to work this time. Start him on the amphotericin. [Cameron is injecting the new drug into the IV line. Alfredo is coughing and his family looks on. There is a close-up of Alfredo’s little brother.] [Cuddy’s Office] Brother (Manny): Dr. Cuddy? I’m Manny. Alfredo’s brother. Cuddy: Well, how’s he doing? Manny: He’s worried about money. I want to work for you. Cuddy [sighing]: How old are you Manny? Manny: Fifteen. Cuddy: Twelve? Manny: I can paint, mow lawns, I rake leaves. I can start today. Cuddy: Alfredo wants you to finish school. Manny: Like you care. Cuddy: Manny, I have known your brother— Manny: He falls off your roof and you don’t come to see him once? [Cuddy is unsure what to say.] Manny: Bitch. [Manny turns and leaves.] [House is sitting in a chair, his feet propped up on the exam table. He is twirling his cane and watching his mini-TV. There’s a knock.] House: With a patient. Door opens. It’s Stacy. Stacy: Not according to the log. House: It’s three-fifteen. Stacy: Is it a commercial? [House responds by picking up a soda and sipping it.] Stacy: How’s Cuddy doing? House: She’s not acting like Cuddy. It’s a pleasure. Stacy: You know her. She has trouble with these situations, feels personally responsible. House: Technical term is narcissism. You can’t believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you’re all powerful. Stacy: [sarcastic] Wow, doesn’t she sound messed up. House: I don’t believe I can fix everything. I don’t lie awake at night tormented by that fact. Stacy: No, you lie awake tormented by— House: We were talking about Cuddy here. [House starts to get up.] Stacy: She cares. House: She enjoys feeling guilty. Stacy: Lisa cares. It’s why she drives you nuts. ‘Cause it’s not just a puzzle to her. The patients are actually real, their feeling actually relevant. And I’m telling you, she can’t even talk to him. House: My God, it’s contagious. You’re feeling guilty, too. Stacy: I’m just saying take it easy on her. You owe her that. [House pauses a second.] House: Commercial’s over. Stacy: So glad we talked. [House is listening to the chest of the same African-American man we saw with Foreman earlier.] House: Snap, crackle, pop. Got some Rice Crispies in there? Patient: That bad, huh? House: You were here yesterday. I see from the chart that Dr. Foreman prescribed medicine, not a miracle. Got to give this stuff more than a day. Patient: I didn’t fill that Oreo’s prescription. House: On the theory that you didn’t trust him because he’s black…well, I’m going to prescribe the same medicine. See if you fill it this time. Patient: I’m not buying into no rcist drug, okay? House: It’s rcist because it helps black people more than white people? Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for us. Patient: Look. My heart’s red, your heart’s red. And it don’t make no sense to give us different drugs. House: You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it’s a limited sample, but it’s my experience in the last ninety seconds that all black people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans. Patient: I’ll see another doctor. House: Fine. Fine. [House crumples the first prescription and writes another.] House: I’ll give you the same medicine we give Republicans. [House hands the prescription to the patient. Patient smiles and takes it.] [Cameron is examining Alfredo’s hand.] Alfredo: I think the medicine is working. There’s lighter, right? Cameron: They don’t look lighter to me, Alfredo. How’s the tingling? Alfredo: Not bothering. Manny: Tell her the other thing. [Alfredo sht Manny a look and mutters something in Spanish. Manny answers in Spanish, insistent.] Manny: He hasn’t peed since yesterday. Cameron [concerned]: Since last night? Manny: Afternoon. Alfredo: It’s not a problem. I don’t drink much. Cameron: I think we’ll give you a little rest from the meds here. [Mother asks a question in Spanish. Cameron looks to Alfredo.] Alfredo: She says that’s the medicine that’s supposed to cure me. Cameron: I’m just making a little adjustment. Excuse me. [Cameron leaves and walks out into:] [House stands outside the room and Cameron approaches him.] Cameron: He’s not making any urine. I think we just destroyed the kid’s kidney with the amphotericin. I think he’s dying. [Mother walks out of the room during Cameron’s admission.] Mother: Dying? House: Geez, it’s the cops. [Mother starts crying and muttering in Spanish.] House: Guess she understands a little English. [sht of Alfredo’s room with his family by his side cuts to:] [House, Cameron, Foreman, Chase, and Cuddy are reviewing Alfredo’s case.] Cameron: His kidneys are shutting down due to direct toxicity to the proximal tubular epithelium. Cuddy: Proof that my brilliant idea of giving him amphotericin is klling him. House: That wasn’t a complete waste of time. His reaction shows that you don’t need to clean under your sink. It wasn’t aspergilllus. Foreman: And blood cultures show he was negative for rat bite fever. House: There’s still plenty of other cool pneumonias… Foreman: Tested negative for Marcella, nocardia, crytococcus… Chase: He has a low tider for chlamydia. Antibodies, maybe? Foreman: No, no his chest x-ray’s all wrong for chlamydial pneumonia. Chase: But the tider points to… [House gets up and starts to walk away from the table.] Cameron: He had an STD last year. That explains the tider. He has low sodium, maybe it’s legionella. Chase: No, his antigen is negative. House: Well, that all sucks… Cuddy: Maybe we were right to begin with. His problems are all caused by DIC precipitated by falling off my roof. Chase: DIC wouldn’t cause a fever this high. House: See my lapdog agrees with me. How high? Chase: Two hours ago, it was one-oh-three. With acetaminophen. House: What onset abens ob-ay? Only temperature I’m interested in right now is his temperature right now. [House walks out.] [Alfredo’s room.] [House enters, thermometer in hand. Manny is standing next to bed talking to Alfredo in Spanish.] House: Open up. [Alfredo says something in Spanish to Manny.] House: Okay, let me clarify. Open up and keep it open. [Alfredo and Manny exchange a few words in Spanish.] Manny: Okay. [Manny leaves.] House: Under your tongue. [Alfredo takes the thermometer with his left hand and places it under his tongue.] House: You’re using your left hand. Right one hurt? Alfredo: No, I feel better. House: It really doesn’t hurt? Or you just figure if you no you’ll get out of the hospital sooner? Alfredo [insistent]: Doesn’t hurt. Feels good. [House sniffs.] House: You don’t smell too hot. [House grabs Alfredo’s right hand. Alfredo gasp, sits up, and drops the thermometer.] House: Your hand is starting to rot. [Stacy’s office.] [House and Cuddy are standing in front of Stacy, who is seated at her desk.] House: Why are we here? Cuddy: We’re talking about cutting off a kid’s hand. House: Yes, we’re talking about cutting it off, not subdividing it and putting in condos. It’s not a legal issue. Cuddy: Are you being intentionally dense? House: Huh? Cuddy: I think it’s premature. Stacy: I’ve heard enough. House: What? She says one word and you take her side. You should wait until she at least gives a medical reason. Otherwise I might take it personally. Stacy: Shut up. If I were to somehow find out that you two are in disagreement over the proper medical course of action, it could make it awkward for my client in court. My client being the two of you. So guys, I’m a little busy here. Why don’t we pick this conversation up in half an hour. K? [Hallway outside Stacy’s office.] Cuddy: All of his symptoms are caused by his underlying problem and the medicine we gave him. House: What underlying problem? You have no idea what the underlying problem is. Cuddy: You’re the diagnostician. House: Fine. It’s all my fault. Does that make you feel better? Cuddy: His hand still has an arterial pulse. House: His hand is a cesspool. And the crap is spreading. Cuddy: You are being pretty aggressive about destroying a man’s livelihood. House: Don’t give a damn about his livelihood. Cuddy: He lose that hand, he loses his job. All of his jobs. He’s not like us. House: He can’t work as a cripple? [Cuddy is shocked by that statement, but recovers.] Cuddy: He loses his home, his kid brother drops out… House: American dream destroyed. Very sad, very emotional. Not one medical fact in the whole pathetic tale. You’ve lost perspective, Cuddy. You’ve stopped looking at this as a doctor. You’re acting like someone who shoved somebody off their roof. You want to make things right? Too bad. Nothing’s ever right. [Stacy’s office.] House: I’m happy to report that we’re now so in synch we’re actually wearing each other’s underwear. Chop, chop time. Stacy: Is this true? House: No, I’m lying. Stupid to do with her in the room, I guess. Stacy: This is a big decision. House: We made it. Stacy: We should convene in a meeting of the ethics committee. House: NO! [throws hands up]. Look. She is making a medical decision based on never wanting to feel regret. You’re making a legal decision on wanting me to be wrong. Stacy: Greg, you have a history of – House: You wanted superficial agreement. You wanted everybody’s asses covered. You got it. Now can I do the surgery? Pretty, pretty please? [Stacy looks at Cuddy.] Stacy: Lisa? Are you sure you’re okay with this? [Cuddy takes a second to reply.] Cuddy: I should be the one to tell the family. [Cuddy exits.] [Alfredo’s room.] [Alfredo’s mother is standing by his bedside as Cuddy speaks.] Cuddy: Your hand is dying. The bacteria are eating it. When they run out of food there, they go somewhere else. Alfredo: If you cut off my hand, I’ll be cured? Cuddy: Unfortunately, no. We still have to find the disease that’s making you sick to begin with. But you won’t die of gangrene while we’re looking. [Mother looks like she is going to cry,] Alfredo: I quit school when I am twelve to get a job. To help my family. I know I never get a good job, never save money, or own my own house like you. But Manny, he’s smart. The best in his class. Cuddy: Well, maybe Manny doesn’t have to quit school. Maybe you can… [Alfredo shakes his head.] Alfredo: Are you sure I need to do this? Cuddy: Yes. Alfredo: Okay. Okay. Alfredo’s room. Later. [Alfredo’s mother is singing to him in Spanish. Scene shifts to:] [Alfredo is in surgery. Once again, Cuddy is watching. Mother’s singing can still be heard.] [House’s office.] [House is staring at the white board and twirling his cane. Foreman enters.] Foreman: I gave one of my clinic patients a follow up call. Your name came up. House: I’m guessing an old black guy that thinks the CIA invented rap music to made your people want to kll each other. Foreman: He says you gave him the white folks’ stuff. This is exactly why black people don’t live as long. House: This isn’t about race. Unless annoying is a race. Is he not getting better? Foreman: He’s fine so far. I’m calling him back in. I’m getting him on the right stuff. [Foreman starts to walk away.] House: Oh, relax, Foreman. He already is. [Foreman stops and turns, confused.] House: I told him it was the white stuff. I gave him the black stuff. Foreman [shaking his head]: He was right. You did exactly what white people do. You figure we don’t need to know the truth or can’t understand it. So you just lie to us. House: It’s just a white lie. Foreman: Good one, Master. House: Right, I’m a rcist. Too bad that idiot will never know for the rest of his long, long life. Foreman: Every slve master thought they were doing the black man a favor. ngro can’t take care of himself, so we’ll put him to work. Give him four walls, a bed. We’ll civilize the heathen. I’ll tell you what. Stop don’t us favors. If you’re right and we end up back in the jungle with lousy blood pressure medicine, it won’t be on your head. [Foreman leaves.] [Alfredo’s surgery is in progress. They are about to detach the arm. Chase is present and notices something on the other hand. Cut to:] [Cuddy still watches as the surgeons finally remove the hand. Stacy enters.] Stacy: You okay? [Cuddy looks at her, but doesn’t answer.] Stacy: Wondering if you made the right call? Cuddy: I wanted to be a doctor from the time I was twelve. Stacy: I wanted to be a lawyer from the time I was six until my second week of law school. Sorry, your story. Cuddy: I graduated medical school at 25, pissed off that I was second in my class. Chief of Medicine at 32. Second youngest ever, first woman. Stacy: Sad story. Cuddy: If I had been Alfredo’s doctor— Stacy: You are his doctor. Cuddy: I insisted on giving him Protein C. We had to cut his skull open. I insisted on amphotericin; klled his kidneys. I missed the pneumonia. Completely. I would have searched his house and ignored mine. I would have watched him die, trying to save his hand. [closes her eyes] Oh, if I didn’t have House looking over my shoulder…[she shakes her head] Stacy: You say you’re not as good a doctor as House is? Cuddy: I’m saying House is right. I’m so anxious to get ahead I haven’t been a doctor. In years. [Chase enters.] Chase: His middle finger is dusky. Cuddy: Yeah, that’s why we’re doing this. Chase: No, I mean the other hand. The one we haven’t chopped off yet. [Alfredo is still getting worse and now has a pressurized oxygen mask attached to his face helping him breathe. Cuddy lifts his other hand. The last two little fingers are quickly turning dark.] [Chase, Cameron, and Foreman are sitting around a small table. House is laying across a couch. Cuddy puts a piece of paper in front of Cameron.] Cuddy: His O2 stats are down to eighty-eight. His lungs are giving out. He needs a ventilator. [Cameron picks up the paper and looks at it.] Cameron: And dialysis. House: I’m getting distracted by the multi-system organ failure. Pinkies are supposed to be pink, right? They’re not called grayies. Cuddy: But the organ failure is gonna kll him. House: But the pinky is weirder…[sits up] What does it tell us? Foreman: Same thing the right hand told us before we cut it off. It’s the same symptom. House: But at a different time. His blood work indicates mild DIC. What if it’s mild in the way you get out of the ocean, the water clinging to your body makes the sea level drop. It’s technically true, but completely irrelevant. Foreman: Well, the lack of DIC would explain everything if there were also a lack of anything to explain. House: Endocarditis. His heart’s infected. [CSI sht of Alfredo’s heart.] House: Little bacteria cauliflowers clinging to his bowels. Except something they can’t hold on. They go swimming in his bloodstream. Thursday, one breaks off, goes to his right hand. Black fingers, gangrene. Friday’s child heads for the kidneys. We all know what Saturday’s are all about. Party with the left hand. [Also explains the fever.] Cuddy: It’s perfect. Except for the little fact that we’re already tested for endocarditis and he was negative. House: Which either means he is negative or what infection could cause pneumonia and culture negative endocarditis? Prize value goes down with every clue. [House squawks like a bird twice.] Chase: You’re thinking citicosis? Alfredo doesn’t have any pet parrots. House: Which are squawking. Give him doxiciclean. Cuddy: No! That will just make his clotting problem worse. House: I liked you better when you were coming up with wacky drugs for us to try. We give him the doxeen now, damnit, maybe we can save his pinky. He can teach his brother how to count all the way to five. Cameron: If you’re wrong, he’ll end up with no hands and no feet. House: Technically, if I’m wrong, he’ll end up dad. But I take your point. What’s his night job? Foreman: He cleans up at some fast food joint. Why? Do you think he got it from a chicken nugget? House: Since when do fast food joints allow twelve year olds to mop floors? Cuddy: Alfredo is twenty. House: Really? Looks younger. [Alfredo’s mother is sitting by his bedside. House enters. Cuddy is three steps behind him.] House [to Alfredo]: Where were you going to work tonight? [Alfredo can’t answer. He’s unconscious.] House: What job do you do on Saturday nights? [House opens a draw and pulls something out of it.] Cuddy: What are you doing? [House opens a syringe.] House: Wake him up. Cuddy: We just cut off his hand. House: Yeah. We need to talk about it. [Cuddy grabs the syringe.] Cuddy: It’s not happening. [House sighs and starts questioning the mother. In Spanish.] House [to Cuddy]: Honest, I have no idea what I just said. Cuddy: Why didn’t you say you spoke Spanish? House: Well, because, she’d want to talk to me. [House questions the mother again in Spanish.] House [to Cuddy]: Or something like that. [Mother answers.] House: She says he doesn’t work Saturday nights. Give me the talking juice. Cuddy: The fact it doesn’t fit your theory doesn’t make it a lie. House: When she was out of the room, the kid brother insisted he was going to cover for Alfredo at work tonight. [He asks the mother another question, yet again in Spanish. She answers and House doesn’t like the answer.] House: Saturday nights he goes dancing. Either it’s a lie or he’s dancing with birds. [House tries again to ask the Mother where Alfredo goes. She has no clue.] House: Give her the talking juice. Cuddy: She doesn’t know what you’re talking about. House: Odds are, it’s going to be close to his house. Probably an abandoned warehouse or factory. Take the Scooby gng and spread out. Cuddy: What the hell are we looking for? House: Find somebody who looks like crap, tell him you want to place a bet. [Cuddy turns back to bed.] Cuddy: Ah… House: Sayonara! [There are a lot of people and Spanish music plays in the background. Cuddy and Foreman enter and find a ring and people holding fistfuls of cash. It’s a cockfight. Cuddy and Foreman exchange a look. Another minute passes when Cuddy spots Manny, picking up the dad chickens. Cuddy shakes his head and they leave.] [House is tossing two balls into the air with one hand. Wilson sits in a chair. A cell phone rings. Wilson picks it up and looks.] Wilson: It’s Cuddy. [House takes it while still throwing the balls in the air.] House: I already put him on the citicosis meds. Soon as you left. You’re welcome. [He hangs up and stops tossing the balls.] House: What do you think the record for one handed juggling is? Wilson: You can yo-yo one handed. House: Good point. [House starts to juggle again – this time with both hands.] Alfredo: I always wash my hands. Cuddy: If a bird is infected, you can get citicosis just by breathing his dust. Alfredo: Then why do I get sick and nobody else. Cuddy: Your asthma made you venerable. You’re gonna be all right now. Alfredo [softly]: Yes. Gracias. [He lifts his left hand to shake Cuddy’s hand. Cuddy takes it and squeezes.] Alfredo: For saving my life. [Cuddy’s office.] Cuddy: He thanked me. Stacy: He should have. Cuddy: We cut off his hand. If we’d figured it out earlier— Stacy: If you figured it out later, he’d be dad. Cuddy: I never figured it out at all. [House enters.] House: Hello. Cuddy: What do you want House? House: if you’re wallowing in self loathing, I’ve got something that might help. [House takes out a bundle of papers.] House: We’re getting sued. Stacy [surprised]: You saved his life. He admitted that. Cuddy: We’ll settle. He’s got a stub where his hand used to be. We have insurance. Case seems pretty solid to me. House: Ca-ching. The new American dream. Happy ending. Kid’s gonna be just fine. [House starts to leave, but pause just in front of the door. ] House: Cuddy. [He turns to face Cuddy again.] House: Your guilt. It’s perverse, and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also makes you okay at what you do. Cuddy: You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss? House: Now would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. [points to Stacy with his cane] Should have seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming. I know this wasn’t just because it was your roof. Cuddy…you see the world as it is and you see the world as it could be. What you don’t see is what everybody else sees. The giant, gaping chasm in between. Cuddy: House, I’m not naïve. I realize— House: If you did, you never would have hired me. [Cuddy doesn’t answer.] House: You’re not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things. You’re a good boss. And you’ll never be happy. [House starts to walk out again.] House: By the way, why does everybody think you and I had sex? Think there could be something to it? I don’t know. [House opens the door and leaves.] [House’s office.] [First sht is the exterior revealing a balcony, looking in at House and Wilson. It’s pouring.] Wilson: Cuddy feels guilty about not diagnosing citicosis. [Cut to inside the office. House is playing with a yo-yo.] House: Think so? Wilson: There’s no way she could have. House: No. No way she could have. [House turns and looks out the window.] House: It’s raining. [Alfredo’s room.] [Alfredo lifts the stump where his hand used to be and touches it, thinking.] [Cuddy’s house.] [Rain drips from the roof and pounds the dining room table. Cuddy takes a pot from the kitchen and puts it under the drip before heading to bed.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x03 - Humpty Dumpty"}	foreverdreaming
[Opens on a planesoaring over Africa. It passes over and lands next to a small villagers. Theresidents look overjoyed to see the plane. Out of the plane pops Dr. SebastianCharles.] Villager: Dr.Sebastian! [They hug.] Sebastian: Two palletsof antibiotics for tuberculosis. Villager: We’ve got sixpallets worth of patients! Sebastian: Stoia Tuckerneeds a math lesson. I’m headed back tomorrow. [Sebastian is overrun bylaughing children. The villager instructs people to unload the plane. We seeboxes being unloaded with the label “Stoia Tucker”. Sebastian is walking withthe children, and takes a box out of his bag.] I’ve got some very specialmedicine here; this is from Hershey, Pennsylvania. One per person, one perperson. [The kids all grab for the chocolate. Sebastian leaves the childrenand heads to a hut. Another villager runs up.] Villager #2: Help,help! Dr. Sebastian, come quickly! My son, he fell. He fell on this rock. Wewere just waiting for his friends. [They run over to the man’s son, who ishalf lying in a ditch. The man speaks in his native language as Sebastianchecks the boy’s vitals.] Sebastian: I got nobreath sounds on the left – give me that. [He takes a syringe and inflates theboy’s left lung.] Yeah, he’s gonna be okay. [Cut to Sebastiangiving a slide presentation in a cushy boardroom.] Sebastian: The falldidn’t cause him to drop a lung, the lung caused him to fall. TB chewed itup. He’ll be lucky to live another year. [He changes the slide.] Now, thisis Sarni. I picked up the tab for the back brace myself. The funny thing is isthat the brace cost more than the medicine that would have prevented her fromneeding it. It’s your medicine. All of the antibiotics that we need are righthere in your warehouses, in your factories. [One of the board members speaksup.] Jerry: We provide over10,000 doses a year. Sebastian: Which is notenough. Jerry: You know we’dlove to do more, but our hands are tied. Sebastian: New car,Jerry? I saw it on the way in, looks beautiful. Jerry: Don’t make thispersonal. Sebastian: All the wayfrom Germany, too, I know that’s a lot of red tape. Jerry: I’m not likeyou; I’m not ashamed of making a living. Sebastian: And I knowyou didn’t become a chem. major for the money. Now you want the same thingsthat I want, you just… [He puts a hand to his forehead.] You have to, you justhave to push a little, you have to push a little bit harder, harder for them. Jerry: Sebastian? [Sebastian,now leaning on the breakfast table, collapses, taking the table with him. The board members run over.] Call 911! Isn’t someone herea doctor? [Ironic close-up on Sebastian’s face, and credits!] [Cuddy’s office. As House walksin, Cuddy stands and shows House a cover of Newsweek with Sebastian’s pictureon it.] House: Selling subscriptions? Iheard 20 and you get a new bike. Cuddy: Dr. Sebastian Charlescollapsed during a presentation at Stoia Tucker. House: Really? Crushed under theweight of his own ego? Cuddy: Wow. Is there nobody youadmire? House: Well, there was this gal Imet in ‘Nam who could blow out a candle without using her – Cuddy: He thinks it’s TB. [Shehands him a chart.] House: Good thing he’s not thesyphilis expert. Cuddy: He wants a second opinion. House: Second to his own. Okay. [closes chart] It’s not TB. Cuddy: What is it? House: Oh, you want specifics? [Cut to Sebastian, who is showinghis sob-story pictures to the staff in Diagnostics.] Sebastian: Lemma. Big Knicks fan. Foreman: You’ve never had anepisode like this before? Sebastian: No. He died lastmonth. Stupidly tried to share his meds with his cousin, and they only hadenough for one. [House enters.] Dr. House, I’m Sebastian Charles. [He offershis hand, which House walks right by.] House: Patients aren’t usuallypart of the diagnostic process. Sebastian: Well, I’m a doctor…. Listen, I know you guys don’t make a lot of money, but – Cameron: I wrote your people acheck last month. Sebastian: Oh, well… write usanother one. Foreman: Talk to Chase, he’s rich. Chase: My dad, not me. Sebastian: Every minute 4 peopledie of TB. House: [writing on the board] Wow,how can you sleep at night? Sebastian: There’s people dying inAfrica of a disease that we cured over – House: Yeah, I know. I saw theconcert. Seriously, let’s say you sleep six hours, that means every night youkill 1440 people. I guess you gotta get some sleep, but come on, if you’dstayed up another 10 minutes you could have saved 40 lives. Do you send notesto the families in the morning? That’s gonna take at least 10 minutes sothat’s another 40 dad, another 40 notes…. Why don’t you go wrack yourselfwith guilt in your own room? Sebastian: No, thanks, I’ll stay. I’d like to hear the differential. House: Dr. Cameron, tell thedoctor why it’s not a good idea for the patient to be here. Cameron: He’s an immunologist anda TB expert. House: That’ll be very useful ifwe need somebody to say the words, “I think it’s TB.” [He sniffs.] What isthat? Sebastian: Oh that. I’m sorry,that’s my body powder. It’s the only thing I’ve found that works in the Sahara. I, I’m kinda used to it, I don’t even notice it. House: Who thinks it smells likean elephant dung smoothie? Cameron: It smells okay to me. [Sebastian laughs.] House: That is exactly why thepatient shouldn’t be in the room. If you can’t tell a man that his colognemakes you want to puke, how are you going to tell him that he’s an idiot? Cameron: He’s not an idiot. House: Sure, you say that now,while he’s in the room. Sebastian: Look, I don’t have timefor this. It’s TB. House: Nope. The symptoms are toovaried. Sebastian: Well, if you haven’tseen 10,000 cases I’d agree that’s what you’d think. House: Told you he’s an idiot. You said you wanted a second opinion. Sebastian: No, actually. Mybackers wanted a second opinion. House: Yeah, doesn’t look good ifyou drop dad while wearing your shoes sponsor’s logo. Sebastian: It’s TB, and I’m notdying. I’m gonna want you to plan a PPD and induce a sputum to confirm theTB. [House nods to Chase and Foreman, who stand up. Sebastian follows.] Imagingstudies’ll determine the progress, and I think we should probably take a CTscan of my lungs just so that nobody second-guesses us? House: Wouldn’t want that. [Sebastian’s cell rings. He answers it.] Sebastian: [on phone] Hello? No,I’m feeling much better. [Sebastian leaves the office, but goes the wrong waydown the hall.] Well, what you can do is you can get your board to approve theincreased med shipments that – [Cameron runs down the hall to shepherdSebastian the right way.] No, no, no, no, don’t try. No, no, don’t do yourbest. Just get it done, okay? [He hangs up by the elevator.] That’s StoiaTucker, and they’re the nice pharmaceutical company. Cameron: I’m sorry, but it’sagainst hospital regs. [She holds out her hand.] Sebastian: Oh, I need the phone. [Cameron’s beeper goes off.] Chase: Why don’t we focus ongetting you better right now? [Chase’s beeper goes off.] Sebastian: What are you gonna do,throw me out? Foreman: No, just the phone. [Foreman grabs it as his beeper goes off.] Chase: Sorry, we’ve got anemergency. [Chase and Foreman run off.] Cameron: There’s a phone in yourroom. Sebastian: Yeah, I figured thatthere would be. Cameron: Right, I just thought,it’s not like the hospitals that you might used to in Africa. [Sebastian getsin the elevator; Cameron stops the door from closing on her.] I don’t knowwhat the facilities were like… Sebastian: Thank you. Cameron: You’re welcome. Sebastian: And thanks for thatcheck. [Cameron’s beeper beeps again.] Cameron: [smiling very broadly] Ishould go. [Cut to Foreman and Chase enteringHouse’s office.] House: The nameless poor have aface, and it’s a pompous white man. [Cameron enters.] Cameron: Yeah, what a jerk, savingall those lives like that. Foreman: What’s the emergency? House: [looking at his yo-yo] Ican’t remember how to do Walk the Dog. The guy’s sick, he may be dying. We’veforgotten all about doing a differential diagnosis. Cameron: You just sent us off totest him for – House: I had to get him out ofthere. Now we can all sit around and call him an idiot. Who wants to gofirst? Cameron: He’s right! Tuberculosiscould present in hundreds of different ways! House: Well, by that logic,everyone in the hospital should be treated. Foreman: Not everyone in thehospital’s been exposed to it for the last 20 years. House: TB takes years to killyou. 2 weeks ago he was perfectly healthy, now he’s got a white board full ofsymptoms. Chase: What about somethingmetabolic? House: Welcome aboard the GoodShip Asskisser. [Chase glares.] Nice day for a sail. Pucker up, me hearties. Cameron: It’s not metabolic. Kidney, liver and thyroid are all normal. No diabetes. Chase: What about his heart? House: Obviously big as alloutdoors. Chase: Abnormal heart rhythm. White form showed P-R variability. House: It’s subtle, but it’sthere. Foreman: You think it’s hisheart? Sick sinus syndrome? House: Loose throttle. Sometimesbeats too fast, sometimes too slow. Chase: Causing him to pass out. Cameron: It would account for theepisode. I’ll put him on telemetry, do a stress test and an echocardiogram. House: Treat him like every otherhospital patient. I want to see that pious, body powered toosh hanging out ofhis gown. [Cut to Sebastian struggling withis hospital gown.] Sebastian: Could you give me ahand with this thing? I don’t recall asking for a stress test or anechocardiogram. Cameron: What are you gonna do,walk out? Corporate sponsors aren’t going to like that. I need your forearm. [She prepares his arm for a sht.] Sebastian: What’s House thinking? Cameron: Sick sinus syndrome. Sebastian: Well, that’s a lot moreserious than TB. [Cameron sticks him… slightly.] Is that a PPD? Cameron: If it changes color inthe next 48 hours – Sebastian: Yeah, uh, if Housedoesn’t think it’s TB why would he have you test for that? Cameron: Just covering all hisbases, I guess. Sebastian: Uh huh. He doesn’tseem like a guy who, who does that. [Cameron smiles.] Cameron: We have you scheduled fora 10:30 echo. Sebastian: Good for you. [Hechuckles as she wheels him out of the room.] [Cut to the elevator.] House: Every minute that we refuseto love one another, another puppy cries another tear. Wilson: You’re just mad that he’scloser to a Nobel Prize than you are. House: And yet I’ve nailed moreSwedish babes. Crazy, crazy world. Wilson: It’s not just a trip to Stockholm,you know. It comes with a cash prize. House: Seriously? No wondereveryone’s going after that peace thing. [The elevator dings, and they walkout into the hospital lobby.] Wilson: He cures thousands ofpeople every year, you cure, what? 30? House: McDonald’s makes a betterhamburger than your mother because they make more? Wilson: Oh, I see! So you hatehim because the lives he saves aren’t as good as the lives you save. House: Yup, that’s the reason. Nobel invented dynamite. I won’t accept his blood money. [Cut to House in the clinic.] Mandy: The top of my head’skilling me. [She puts her hand on her head to demonstrate.] House: Hmmm. We spent a weekdoing ‘top of head’ in Anatomy. I know just where it is. [He sticks hisfingers right against her sinuses, and she flinches. (Ed. – And I flinch insympathy.)] Mandy: Ow! That is not the top ofmy head! House: Eh, close enough forclinic. Your sinuses are clogged. Judging by the scratches on your hands, I’mguessing a new cat. Mandy: It was my mother’s. She’sdead. House: You keep a dad cat? Mandy: No. My mother’s dad. House: Oh. Poor cat. You’reallergic. We can control it with antihistamine, one pill a day. Mandy: Pills? House: You don’t like to swallow. Not surprised. Forget the pills. I’ll give you a nasal spray. Mandy: Steroids? Is theresomething else you can give me? House: Well, if you lived by theriver, I’ve got a bag. [Cut to House leaving the clinic.] Foreman: Hey, stress test wasnormal. House: But his EKG was not normal. Foreman: Echo’s normal. House: Two for you, one for me. We need a tie-breaker. Foreman: Echo and stress test aremore reliable. House: Tilt-table test. Foreman: Never works. House: Bet you a week’s clinicduty it does. Foreman: Hah hah, you’re on. [Cut to Sebastian, lookingoh-so-amused strapped to a table. He goes down.] House: You like this guy? [Andup.] Foreman: You always tell us ouropinion of the patient is irrelevant. House: Medically, it’s irrelevant. [Down.] That says something about you. [Up.] Foreman: You figure that anybodythat gives a crap about people in Africa must be full of it? House: Yes. There’s anevolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. Andthere’s an evolutionary imperative why we don’t give a crap about anybodyelse. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn’t function. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the greathumanitarian’s as selfish as the rest of us. House: Just not as honest aboutit. Foreman: You also always tell usmotives are irrelevant. [And Sebastian is still going up…] Dr. Charles, yourheart’s handling the changes in orientation just fine. No pauses on your EKG. And House drives up for the lay-up and oh, rejected! [Heh, those doctors andthose sports metaphors.] House: What does this knobby thingdo? Foreman: I’m within protocolrange, you’re not going to get a different result. House: The way I figure it is, ifthis could show you problems at 6, imagine what could happen if you crank it to10. [The table starts going up and down much faster.] Sebastian: House, is that you? House: Does it go to 11? Foreman: Would you stop? Youlost. I’m scheduled for clinic duty Thursday and Friday. Sebastian: [up, down, up] Allright, I’m beginning to feel nauseous. Foreman: Would you turn the damnthing off before you break it? [He slaps House’s hand away.] Sebastian: Okay, I’m gettingdizzy, I can’t see, I’m gonna pass out. House: I win. Foreman: At those speedsastronauts throw up. House: I’m not talking about thenausea. [He points to the screen with the readout.] [Cut to Foreman discussing theresults in Sebastian’s room.] Foreman: The test revealed aproblem. Sebastian: Yeah? House isinsane? What he just did – Foreman: Abusive andunprofessional. If he hadn’t done it, we wouldn’t have seen the problem. You’ve got an abnormal P-R interval. It could be dangerous, possibly fatal,particularly if you’re in Africa away from advanced medicine. Sebastian: I’m gonna need apacemaker? Foreman: You’re scheduled forsurgery this afternoon. [Cut to Cameron and Sebastianwaiting for the elevator.] Cameron: You’ll be able tomaintain your pacemaker from anywhere, you just need to get yourself to a phoneline every few months. Sebastian: Better yet, you couldjoin me at one of my clinics. Cameron: I’m kind of spoiled. Sebastian: Well, we’ll get you ahut with a view. You like sand? Cameron: I meant medically. No PETscans, no MRIs… Sebastian: This is ridiculous. [He gets out of the wheelchair.] Cameron: Dr. Charles, wait – Sebastian: I know, I know,hospital regulations. Darling – [he calls to an old woman walking by with awalker] – have a seat. [to Cameron] Come on. [Cut to Cameron and Sebastianstarting down the stairs.] Sebastian: You’re smart, you’lladapt… we going up or down? Cameron: Basement. Sebastian: All right. You mighteven find that without the technological crutches you become a better diagnostician. My heart can handle this, right? Cameron: So far just carnivalrides have set you off. Sebastian: When you meet thesepeople it changes you. We should talk about it over dinner. Cameron: Are you asking me to Africaor on a date? Sebastian: Oh, I can ask youhalfway across the world, I can’t ask you to a restaurant a block away? Cameron: Well, one’s a job, andthe other’s… Sebastian: Yeah, hospital regs,you can’t date patients, right, I wouldn’t want to risk your preciousobjectivity. You haven’t answered either question, by the way. Cameron: You don’t thinkobjectivity’s important? Sebastian: I think doctors likeHouse cling to objectivity like a three-year-old to a blanket; don’t get tooworked up, stay calm, stay cool and maintain that correct perspective. Theonly flaw in their argument is when you have millions of people dying thecorrect perspective is to be yelling at the top of your lungs. Sorry, my headis klling me. Cameron: Here, sit on the step. [She takes his pulse.] Sebastian: So, you gonna go outwith me or not? Cameron: Your heart rate’s normal. Sebastian: Yeah, of course it is,it’s one flight of stairs. I’m gonna be fine. My hand’s a little – [And withthat he vomits and collapses on top of Cameron.] Cameron: Call a code! Secondfloor stairwell! [But who was she yelling to?] [Cut to Diagnostics.] Cameron: You were wrong. House: Hey, I have feelings. I’mtrying my best. Isn’t that enough for you? Chase: [waving the paper] Theabnormal EKG was real… Cameron: It’s not sick sinussyndrome. House: Well, thank God we foundout before we put the pacemaker in. And thank God you dragged him into astairwell to get his heart racing. Cameron: We were taking thestairs, they keep them in the stairwell. Chase: The guy’s a selfish jerk,why would you – Cameron: Why would you say he’sselfish? House: Because he’s been talkingto Foreman. [The phone rings.] Chase: No I haven’t, I’m justgiving my opinion. This kind of altruism doesn’t just naturally – House: Excellent briefing. Foreman: Hey, the guy’s stillsick. Can we talk about that? The headaches point to a neurological problem. Acoustic neuroma. Brian tumor causes dizziness, loss of consciousness, messeswith breathing patterns, heart rhythms – House: Get an MRI. [picks upphone] Hello? Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll be right down. No problem, I’ll do anextra hour to make up. I’m late for my clinic duty. Here, go be me for acouple hours. [He tosses Foreman his nametag, looking smug.] [Cut to an impatient looking womanin the clinic. Foreman enters talking.] Foreman: explsive diarrhea,fever… it’s probably the flu. Cecelia: Wow, you’re good. You aHarvard boy? Foreman: You’re not Hale, Oliver? Cecelia: No. Carter, Cecelia. Foreman: They put you in the wrongroom, Cecelia. Cecelia: Mrs. Carter. Foreman: Sorry. I’ll just be afew minutes, don’t take these in order and everything falls apart. Cecelia: I have cancer. [Foremanturns to look at her.] I felt a lump. Foreman: I’ll go get a nurse. Cecelia: Yeah, see you in an houror two. Foreman: Lie flat. Lift your leftarm up and under your head? [She does so, after unbuttoning her blouse.] Right there? Cecelia: Yeah, I felt it thismorning. Oh, my cousin had the same thing. Foreman: It’s nothing. We shouldcheck it again on your next cycle, but you really don’t have anything to worryabout. Cecelia: That’s what they toldDonna. She was dad in six months. Foreman: Look, the edges aresmooth, it has mobility, it has all the earmarks of a benign -- Cecelia: Why should I believeyou? Because you’re trying to rush me out of here? Foreman: The risks of a falsepositive on a biopsy outweigh – Cecelia: Either you do the biopsyor I talk to your superior. Which is it – [looks at nametag] Dr. House? Foreman: I’ll arrange the biopsy. Cecelia: Thanks. [Cut to Sebastian entering theMRI. He doesn’t look good.] Cameron: He asked me out. Chase: I’m shocked. I’m shockedwhen patients don’t ask you out. Cameron: He also asked me to cometo Africa. Chase: Boy, he moves fast. Cameron: I think the two questionshad two different objectives. Chase: Well, do you like him? Cameron: Good looking single guy,genius doctor, cares about the world… Chase: I take it you said no. Cameron: You think I’m that hungup on rules and – Chase: He’s not House. There’snothing there. [Indeed the MRI is spotless. However, Sebastian’s arm doeshave a spot…] Cameron: Yeah, there is. [Cut to House in his office.] House: Did I ask you to plant aPPD? Cameron: It was positive, he’s gotTB! House: Well, of course he’s gotTB! The guy’s been in the jungle for 20 years! If he tested positive forpink-eye would you think that was his big problem? Cameron: I did a test, it waspositive, why is that a problem? House: Because now he’s got thebig red target on his arm, the stubborn jerk thinks he’s right! He won’t letus do any more tests. Cameron: Well, maybe he’s not theonly stubborn jerk. [House does an exaggerated “what, me?” kind of gesture.] I did an LP2: low glucose and he has an increased sed rate. Everything screamstuberculosis! House: Not everything! Cameron: If any of the symptomsare caused by the TB it would throw off our diagnosis. House: You’re right. Gotta treatthe TB. Cameron: Who knows, maybe he’lljust get better. House: You’d like that, wouldn’tyou? [Cameron leaves.] [Cut to the cafeteria lunch line.] Wilson: So it’s TB, but not TB? House: I’m complicated. Wilson: The guy does knowtuberculosis. If he says it can manifest itself – House: He’s not even a realdoctor, he’s a human telethon. Wilson: Is that your problem withhim? You see hypocrites every day, why is this guy so special? House: You think I have ahypocritical attitude to hypocrisy? The problem is there are 26 letters in thealphabet and he only uses two of them. He treats thousands of patients withone diagnosis. He knows the answer going in. It’s cheating. Wilson: So it’s all because he’sone of them useless specialists? House: Oh, did I hurt the big timeoncologist’s itty bitty feelings? [House, at this point, start covering hissteak with salad greens.] You’re a big help to patients who actually havecancer. Other times you’re just annoying. [Cuddy walks up.] Cuddy: You’ve outdone yourself. House: I’ll say. My salad’scovering a free t-bone steak. Cuddy: Cecelia Carter, rememberher? House: Last week they said it was“Mystery Stew”, they owe me. Cuddy: She was just in my officecrying because of the way you treated her. Wilson: That doesn’t sound likeyou! House: Then it probably wasn’t. Cuddy: I get that you like toshock people. Stun them out of complacency, out of stupidity. But this womanthought she had cancer, she had a lump in her breast! What were you trying toaccomplish? House: Let me ask you something:if this were another doctor, if this patient were complaining about, let’s say,I don’t know, Foreman, you’d just dismiss this as the paranoid bitching ofanother paranoid bitch and file it under ‘P’ for – Wilson: Paranoid? House: Am not. Cuddy: You’re right. House: Good. Cuddy: Apologize to her before theend of business today. [She leaves.] Wilson: What did you do to Ceci? Houes: I have no idea. [to theregister] Just a salad today, big breakfast. [Cut to Cameron enteringSebastian’s room.] Sebastian: Hey. [Cameron giveshim a little cup of pills, which he looks at.] Levofloxacin? Cameron: You have a resistantstrain of TB. Sebastian: Wow, you just walkright in with these. Cameron: That’s what we doctorsdo. We write down the name of some medicine and someone gives it to us. Sebastian: You know, there’s partsof the world where you get knifed walking around with this. I mean, regularstuff’s bad enough, but treatment for the resistant strain? [holds up a pill] I could get $6 a tablet for that one. And I’d take it for two years. Streptomycin, now that’s two grand… ten grand, cure one person. I had apatient in Jani once. It was a mother, had three little boys. She hadresistant TB, she couldn’t afford these. She couldn’t afford bread. We gaveher the regular stuff, but no surprise she died. Cameron: I’m sorry. Sebastian: I’m not taking thesepills. Cameron: Because she couldn’t getthem you’re not going to take them? That’s insane! Sebastian: Why, because I’m betterthan her? Cameron: Because letting her diewas wrong but letting you die is just as wrong. Sebastian: Well, maybe I won’tdie. Maybe somebody’ll pay a little more attention to my story. [Cut to House’s office.] Cameron: He figures thepharmaceuticals need something big to force them into action. This’ll get alot more media play than a thousand African villagers dying. [The phonerings. Chase checks the caller ID – it’s Newsweek!] House: So he won’t take the pills. Chase: Newsweek’s calling you! House: And he won’t agree to anymore tests. Cameron: He has his diagnosis. House: See what happens when youdon’t listen to me? Cameron: Maybe millions of livesget saved – House: Yeah, that’s my point. Increased heart rate, night sweats, loss of consciousness… besides rough sex,what do they all have in common? Cameron: T – House: It’s not TB! Chase: His autonomic nervous system? Cameron: We know that it’s not abrain tumor. Chase: So what else could beeating his nerves? Foreman: Fabry’s, autonomicdisregulation syndrome, shy-drager syndrome, it doesn’t matter. He won’t letus test him. [The phone begins to ring again. House picks up.] House: [on phone] In my opinion,Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot. Yeah, you can quote me. C-u-d-d-y. [Chaseand Foreman laugh to themselves.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office.] House: Sebastian is refusinglife-saving treatment. Cuddy: He’s refusing TBtreatment. You don’t think he has TB, ergo you should care less. House: He won’t let me test him. Cuddy: And what do you want me todo about it? House: Hold him down. Cuddy: Have you apologized toCecelia Carter yet? House: Trust me, she doesn’t wantto hear it from me. Look, the guy is klling himself, am I the only one whorealizes this is a bad thing? [Cuddy begins to put on lipstick.] If he was aChristian Scientist refusing meds we’d have 18 attorneys…. You’re putting onmake-up. That’s not a good sign for my side, is it? Cuddy: Sebastian has called apress conference for 3. He’s asked me to be there to confirm the diagnosis onthe prognosis. House: You are as big a mediawhore as he is. Cuddy: Of course I am. Itcouldn’t possibly be that I think he’s right and I’d like to be a small part ofwhat he’s doing. House: Oh, whores can like thesex. Doesn’t mean they’re not whores. And with that eyeshadow… I am totallyscrewed, aren’t I? Cuddy: Totally. [She leaves.] [Cut to Sebastian’s room.] Cameron: How’re you feeling? Sebastian: A little weak. Cameron: You’re having a goodday. The symptoms will quickly focus more and more on your lungs, you’ll findit difficult to talk and eventually breathe at all. Sebastian: I think I know what Ihave to look forward to. Cameron: I know. I just came toask if you’d be willing to accept any treatment. Sebastian: Naw, if you’re tryingto scare me into any – Cameron: No. Palliativetreatment. Narcotics, Fentanyl patch, morphine drip, whatever it takes. Wecan make your last days fairly comfortable. And if you have another good day,maybe dinner. Sebastian: [takes Cameron’s hand] Thank you. [House notices the cozy scene and decides to intervene.] House: You want third-worldtreatment? [turns up the thermostat] You got it. Boy, is it hot here in Jani! Cameron: What are you doing? House: What am I doing? [Heknocks all of Sebastian’s things off of the tray of the bed.] Puttingeverything on the floor of the hut. Uh oh, wicked magic box with the movingpictures! Cameron: You think he’s ahypocrite? House: [unplugging the TV] Hypocrite? No, everyone in Africa’s got cell phones or running water. [Speaking of cell phones, it just got dropped in the toilet. It’s a tight fit,though, so House prods it down the hole with his cane.] Hah, this thing justwill not flush. Sebastian: Do you really thinkthat if you come in here and make it a little hot, make it smell a little, thatI’m just going to fold and abandon everything that matters to me? House: [wiping his cane onSebastian’s blanket] Lousy sanitation over there, too. You are not the same asthem, your life is not the same. And you are cheapening everything they’regoing through by pretending you are. Sebastian: I am the same, I’m notspecial. House: You can’t demand to betreated like any third-world sick person and call a press conference! Sebastian: They treat me special! That doesn’t mean I am! Now what kind of selfish jerk wouldn’t take advantage ofthat fact? [Cut to the press conference.] Sebastian: It’s all preventable. Stoia Tucker makes medications right here, in New Jersey. They have warehousesfull of the stuff; there’s more than enough to go around. So if I can getthem, why can’t Lemma? Why can’t Quesmo? And why can’t Sarni? [He snaps.] Another person just died. Where is your outrage? [Cut to House snapping as hewatches the TV with Wilson in the coma patient’s room.] Sebastian: [on TV] No, I have nointention of martyring myself, I’m just putting myself… House: [keeps snapping] Sure,they’re dying, but it’s got a great bat. Wilson: Must be hot as hell underthose lights. House: Yup. [Foreman enters.] Foreman: Hey, why the page? Heokay? House: He’s in a coma. I need youto apologize to Ceci, Cecily… Foreman: Mrs. Carter? For what? House: For whatever I did. Foreman: You didn’t do anything. House: That has been my positionall along. Cuddy: [on TV] X-rays arenegative, so he’s not contagious at this point, his condition’s currentlystable – House: D’you notice how all theself-sacrificing women in history – Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa, can’t think ofany others – they all die alone. The men on the other hand get so much fuzzit’s crazy. Wilson: It’s an unfair world. Foreman: House, she was scared andunreasonable. House: Insulting a woman withbreast cancer – that’s a move best left to the pros. Frankly, you don’t havethe chops. Foreman: I didn’t insult her! Idid the unnecessary biopsy, like she wanted. [House moves to change the tinton the TV.] It was negative, like I knew it would be. House: What did you do, call ‘emperky? You are years away from mad skills [Ed. – m4d sk1llz?] like that. Ineed you to apologize. Foreman: You know, Cuddy’s onlydoing this because she thinks it’s you. House: Welcome to the world. Everyone’s different, everyone gets treated different. You try fighting that,you end up dying of TB. [House hits the TV.] Wilson: What are you doing? House: Testing the patient’sautonomic nervous system. Wilson: Of course. House: His internal heating andventilation should be off, shouldn’t be able to sweat. That’s why he’s gotthat awful body powder. Take it away, crank up the heat, stick him under thelights, can’t cool himself. He should be turning bright red. Wilson: The picture’s fine. [House looks puzzled, and then leaves, leaving a puzzled Foreman and Wilson.] [Back to the press conference.] Sebastian: I’m asking Stoia Tuckerto save these lives, millions of lives. Including my own. [House barges in.] Dr. House, I would appreciate it if you left us alone. [House grabs a TV lightand shines it in Sebastian’s face.] Get that out of my face. [Back to the TV room.] Cuddy: What are you trying toprove, House? [Foreman takes House’s chair and grabs some of Wilson’s chips.] [Press conference.] Sebastian: Dr. House, I wouldappreciate it if you left the room. House: He’s sweating like a pig. Cameron: It’s a hundred degrees inhere, House, because you turned up the thermostat. Sebastian: Did they hear me? Themedia, did they listen? House: He’s disoriented. Sebastian: They, they have to hearme. House: His arteries are clampingdown. [A monitor starts beeping.] Cuddy: I want everybody out ofhere, now! House: Get the crash cart, he’shaving a cardiac arrest! [More beeping.] Cuddy: Get them out! Everyone, Iwant everyone out of here now! [Nurses rush in, having to maneuver past the TVcameras. Cameron gets the paddles.] Cameron: Clear. [She shocks him. Cuddy shakes her head.] Come on, Sebastian. Clear! [Another shock.] Cuddy: I’ve got sinus rhythm. House: [in the camera’s face] Thatis not TV! [TV room.] Wilson: Compelling television. [Cut to Sebastian’s room, nowcamera free.] Sebastian: Do whatever tests youwant. House: I want to treat you forTB. Dr. Cameron found low sugar in your cerebrospinal fluid. It’s a classicfinding of TB. Sebastian: And now you think TB’sthe problem? House: Nah. TB caused cardiacarrest on a hot day, your work in Africa would be even more futile than italready is. Sebastian: Can you get to yourpoint, please? House: That white board in myoffice, we’re up to about a dozen symptoms now. Cardiac arrest, clearly notTB. CSF sugar clearly is TB. The rest of them could go either way. Unless weknow which ones are which I can’t diagnose you. [He holds out the pills, whichSebastian takes and places on the tray next to him.] Sebastian: I’ll take any othertests or treatments you might want to prescribe. House: So you’re not special, butTB is. Sebastian: People die of TBbecause we let them, it’s our choice. House: People die of malariabecause we let them, they die of dysentery – Sebastian: Nah, TB’s my disease. House: You own a disease? Well,I’m sorry I missed the IPO on dengue fever. Sebastian: Look, I know I have away about me. I know I piss a lot of people off, and a whole lot more I justannoy. But you’re the first person that I’ve ever met who I think is actuallyannoyed by what I do. Do you think I’m not saving any lives, or is that a badthing? House: Right now, I’m just tryingto save your life. Sebastian: Or do you just have aproblem with hope? [House rolls his eyes.] You know, the difference betweenour jobs is not numbers or styles. It’s that I know I’m gonna fail. Even if Isave a million people there’s gonna be another million. You couldn’t handlethat. I think you resent anyone who can. House: Can’t we just agree thatyou’re incredibly annoying? Take the pills or I let you die, do an autopsy,call my own press conference, and make sure the world knows that you didn’t dieof TB. Corporate sponsors will be disappointed, but they’ll find anotherdisease. Sebastian: Why would you do that? House: Because I’m just a mean sonof a bitch. [House leaves, and Sebastian takes the pills.] [Cut to various scenes ofSebastian taking his medication like a good boy, various medical testsperformed by the Ducklings, and symptoms being crossed off or circled on thewhite board.] [Cut to Diagnostics.] House: So we still have to explainP-R variability, syncope, headaches, and… low sugar? Foreman: That was classic TB. Chase: Apparently not. Cameron: You’ve rerun the test? Chase: Yeah. House: This is good! Foreman: Good? This is bizarre. House: Bizarre is good! Commonhas hundreds of explanations. Bizarre has hardly any. Cameron: What else could cause lowCSF sugar? House: Uh-uh. I get to ask thequestions. I’ve found you look a lot smarter asking the questions than dumblynot answering. Chase: High insulin levels in hisblood. Cameron: They’d have to be veryhigh. Chase: Okay, very high insulinlevels in his blood. Cameron: How could he get highinsulin levels? We’ve checked daily blood sugars, all normal! House: See how smart she looks? Cause she asked the question. Cameron: And it’s not glucagonomabecause he has no rash. It’s not self-induced because he’s not an idiot, andit’s not a tumor because the CT and the MRI were both negative. House: Which just leaves tumor. [He leaves, they all follow.] Cameron: Why do you do this? Whydo you ignore what I say like I’m not even – House: Small tumor. Really,really tiny. So small we can’t see it. Nesidioblastoma. Chase: An abnormal growth of theinsulin-secreting glands of his pancreas? Foreman: It only intermittentlysecretes insulin. House: It responds to stress. Like if, oh, I don’t know, if someone accidentally puts the mechanical bull on11. [They pile into the elevator.] Easily removed by surgery. Cameron: Except, if it’s so smallwe can’t see it, how’re we even going to prove it’s there? House: “She asked, lookingclever.” Cameron: We just start hackingaway at his pancreas until he gets better? House: How do you prove somethingexists when you can’t see it? Does God exist? Does the wind blow? Foreman: We know because theleaves move. House: Look for effects. [Theyget out of the elevator, where Cuddy and Cecelia are moving toward them.] Foreman: Uh, we should look theother way. It’s Cuddy with your patient. House: Dr. House has an emergency. Foreman: We can’t avoid herforever. House: Eventually she’ll die. Yousure she doesn’t have breast cancer? [Cut to Sebastian lying on the ORtable.] House: We think you have a tumor,easily removed surgically. We’re going to poke it with a stick. Sebastian: And if there’s notumor? House: Nothing happens. Splenicartery, it’s a hard left off the celiac. [Chase goes for the artery.] Sebastian: If there is a tumor? House: What usually happens whenyou poke something with a stick? It pokes back. Cameron: He’s stuck in thesuperior mesenteric. House: I knew we should havestopped for directions. Men. Chase: I’m there. House: We’re going to injectcalcium into your pancreas. The beta cells will release insulin. If there aretoo many beta cells because of a tumor, your blood sugar will dropprecipitously. Sebastian: How do we know it won’tgo too low? House: Fingers and toes crossed. [to Chase] Go ahead. [Chase injects the calcium. CGI sht of it entering theartery.] Cameron: Glucose is holding steadyat 75. House: No leaves rustling. Blowharder. Chase: I already gave him 1 amp. House: Well, I guess now would bethe time to give him more than 1 amp. [CGI of more calcium entering.] Cameron: 50. It’s starting todrop. 45. Sebastian: I think my arm’sshaking. Foreman: I’m gonna start him on aglucose drip. He’s gonna seize House: Not yet. Foreman: He’s continuing to drop. House: Not fast enough. [Monitorbeeps.] Cameron: He’s seizing. Chase: We’ve got to reverse this. Cameron: He’s at 40, 38, 35…[Monitor gets to 30, before -- ] House: Push an amp of D-50, youwant to kll the guy? [CGI of the meds entering the system.] Cameron: We’re back to 40. House: Congratulations, you have atumor. [Cut to House and Cameron leavingthe elevator into the lobby.] House: Are you gonna go out withhim? Cameron: Is that any of yourbusiness? House: Nope. Cameron: I don’t think so. House: Two days ago you wereholding his hand. What’s changed? Cameron: He practically lives in Africa,there’s no future. House: On the other hand, maybethere’s too much of a future now. You weren’t attracted to him because he wasprepared to die for a cause, you were attracted to him because he was actuallydoing it. Cameron: Right. It’s that simple. House: That was simple? Cameron: I put a label on them andgo from there. House: Everybody does it. We arewho people think we are. People think he’s a great doctor so they give himstuff. Cameron: He is a great doctor. House: The reality is irrelevant. [House looks into the clinic and sees Cecelia sitting there.] I’ll prove it. People who know me see me as an ass, treat me as an ass. People who don’t knowme see a cripple, treat me as a cripple. What kind of selfish jerk wouldn’ttake advantage of that fact? [He enters the clinic, and walks by Cecelia,deliberately leaning his cane on her boot.] Cecelia: Ow! House: Oh, my goodness, are youokay? Cecelia: Yeah. [Cuddy comes toher door.] House: [exaggerated, toward Cuddy] I am so sorry. It was completely my fault. Cecelia: It’s nothing, I’m fine. House: Well, I’m very relieved, Ifeel terrible. Cecelia: Don’t worry about it, I’mfine. House: You sure? Okay. [Theyshake hands. Cuddy and House make faces at each other. As House leaves, Cuddywalks through her office door to Cecelia.] Cuddy: How’s everything? Cecelia: I’m gonna go. My foot’skilling me. Cuddy: Oh, what did you do? Cecelia: It was nothing, it wasall my fault. [She leaves.] [Cut to Sebastian’s room, where heis packing and talking on a (new?) cell phone.] Sebastian: [on phone] Yeah, listenFugawi, relax. I’m gonna be back on Tuesday. Tell Sarni I’m gonna bring her anew brace. All right. [He hangs up. Cameron comes in with a wheelchair.] You get ‘em? Cameron: Six month supply. Shouldfix you right up. See you when you come back for a refill? Sebastian: Yeah, I’ll be back intwo months. Cameron: You’re gonna give themaway? Sebastian: Well, you know howthese things happen, you leave a bag in the airplane, drop some pills down thedrain…. I have an idea. You could bring me the refill in Africa. Cameron: I don’t think so. Sebastian: You actually likeworking for House, you find this satisfying? [He nods, gives her a little kisson the cheek, and they hug. Aww. Sebastian leaves as the closing musicstarts.] [Cut to Sebastian leaving thehospital, and meeting the press outside.] Sebastian: Thank you, thank you, Iappreciate that. I appreciate the support. [Cut to House and Wilson watchingfrom the balcony.] House: It’s not aboutthe kids dying every 8 seconds, it’s about the media stroking. Adulation andpats on the head. Wilson: That’s yourproblem with him, isn’t it? House: Look at him, heloves it. Eats it up. Wilson: Yeah, the manactually enjoys what he does. [Pointed look.] House: Listen, I savedhis life. That means I get credit for every life he saves from here on out. Wilson: I’ll make sure Stockholmknows. [He leaves.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x04 - TB Or Not TB"}	foreverdreaming
[Outside fancy restaurant. Dad (Ken) and son (Carnell) exit] Ken: [laughs] I ought to have this framed, my last bill from Princeton. Carnell: And I thought we were celebrating the fact that I actually graduated. Ken: I always knew you'd be able to graduate, what I didn’t know was whether I would be able to pay for it. Your mom, uh, she’d be so proud of you. Carnell: You always say that. Ken: I’m so proud of you. Always was. Carnell: Come on dad you gonna cry. Ken: [laughs] You wanna be embarrassed? [Son shakes his head in mock denial] Ken: You got it. [Gives his son a big hug] Ken: Look, uh, don’t party too hard tonight, your grandmother wants a picture of you getting that sheepskin, and it’d be nice if you didn’t look completely hung-over. Carnell: Ooh, no, don’t worry, I’ve had enough alcohol in the past week to last me another four years. Ken: Good. I think. [Carnell laughs] [Cut to a party, where Carnell is downing a ton of beers. Loud music is playing in the background. A huge party is going one, and everyone is chugging the booze.] Kid: 12.55! Carnell: [cheers and stands up, slapping hands with the people around him] You are the man! [bear hugs a friend, Taddy] Taddy: Tell me something I don’t know. [Carnell is then shocked, and backs away from his friend] Carnell: Ow! Ow, OW! Hey that’s not funny man. Taddy: What? Carnell: Yeah right, you shocked me. Taddy: With what? I got nothing. [Carnell is shocked again, and this time there is no one around that could have caused it. The people around him start backing away, and looking on in horror. ] Kid 2: Yo dude, check it out. Carnell: All right whoever’s doing that better cut it out! [He is shocked again, and this time we get a CGI of the shocks traveling down his spine.] Carnell: What the hell's going on? Girl: Maybe there’s a short somewhere, the floor’s covered with beer. Kid: No the outlets are [unintelligible], plus he’s got rubber-soled shoes on. [Carnell is shocked again. This time it knocks him to the floor.] Kid: Somebody call 911! [Carnell is writhing on the floor, being shocked over and over.] [Opens with a hospital room where Wilson is checking out Carnell. Ken is standing off to the side. Carnell is still being shocked repeatedly] [Cut to Wilson writing on the whiteboard in the conference room in that unintelligible doctor's scrawl while the ducklings try to make out what he's writing] Wilson: Patient experiences shock-like sensations, as well as headaches, nausea, and drowsiness. Chase: Shocks? Wilson: Excruciatingly painful shocks. ER docs referred him to a neurologist, who referred him to five other doctors in the last seven days. Cameron: Shocks could be L'Hermitte's Sign, early symptom of MS. Wilson: No, MRI showed no white matter lesions, and the shocks aren’t accompanied by neck flexing. [House strides in, wearing a leather jacket, jeans, and a red t-shirt] House: Good morning! Foreman: It’s almost noon. House: Really? That must be why I’m so hungry. Who’s up for lunch? Cameron: What’s with the jacket? House: [poses] It keeps me warm, and cool. How does it know? Wilson: We're discussing your new patient. House: Must be a boring discussion, considering that I haven’t accepted a new patient. Wilson: You accepted him the moment I loaned you five grand. House: Ohh, wait, wait, when I said I’d do anything for the money, obviously I didn’t mean it. Wilson: You’re gonna like this. Kid’s getting shocked every few minutes. Cameron: Why would you need five thousand dollars? Chase: Bad night at poker, or great night with a hooker? House: Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke. [Chase smiles, and House turns to Wilson] College student? Nitrous oxide is fun at parties. Cause the shocks, and drinking 'til you puke every night can cause everything else. Give him some B12. Wilson: Been there done that, also ruled out cancer, MS, pyridoxine toxicity, and all the popular neuropathies. House: [sighs] Cervical spondylosis? Wilson: Doesn’t explain the low white count. House: He’s black, I’m assuming he’s not just really dirty, but is of African descent. Which means he’d have a lower white count. Wilson: Not this low. House: He’s a wrestler, probably uses diuretics to cut weight, can also cause low white count. Wilson: Not this low. House: [Mockingly] Not this low. Tieshets(??). Wilson: No skin lesions. House: Cervical herpes osteomyelitis? Wilson: No external outbreak. House: Something’s missing. Find out what it is. [Tosses the chart on the table in front of the ducklings.] Foreman: Uh, I don’t even know what that means. House: Well figure it out, find it out, and then find me, I’ll be at lunch. [House walks out the door] [Cut to the son’s hospital room. Cameron is there with Ken] Ken: No ideas? Cameron: Lots of ideas, too many ideas, that’s why so many tests. Have you used any recreational drugs? [Carnell looks up at Ken] Ken: What? I’m gonna get mad at you for getting stoned? Not today. Not here. Carnell: Um, well at Christmas, one of the guys had some Ecstasy. It was...[Gets shocked and screams] Son of a bitch. [Cut to lab, Foreman and Chase are there] Foreman: ANA is negative for lupus, again. Chase: House wants more information, not the same information done over again. Foreman: [mocks] Find what’s missing. For all we know the kid is dying, and he’s giving us riddles? Cameron: Did a more detailed history, went back three generations. Foreman: And? Cameron: His mom died in a car accident, his mom’s mom had arthritis, and his mom’s mom’s dad served in an all black tnk battalion in Gapettion. Foreman: Fascinating. If it’s not a tumor it has to be MS. Chase: Wilson already ruled out [interrupted] Foreman: MRI can’t rule out MS 100% of the time. Cameron: MS doesn’t explain the low white count. Foreman: Alcoholism does. On admission his BAC was 2.0, liver enzymes off the chart. Cameron: It was graduation weekend. He barely drank in the weeks before that and he didn’t drink at all during his wrestling season. Foreman: IF you believe him. Cameron: I did a tox screen! Chase: It doesn’t matter if she believes him or not. It’s already in the chart. We’re supposed to find out what’s missing. [Cut to the parking lot, where a sports bike is parked. It’s scraped up on the one side. Pan around and House and Wilson are revealed to be standing near it, looking at the bike.] Wilson: Well this, this is perfect. House: Invite me to diner Thursday night. [Wilson looks blankly at him] Come on we haven’t had a nice meal together since, oh… Wilson: Yesterday when I loaned you five thousand dollars to buy a new car. [Points at the bike] House: [tosses his cane up in the air and catches it near the top, then hands it over to Wilson] My treat. [House limps over to the bike] Wilson: Two-wheeled vehicles that travel 150 miles an hour don’t really go well with crippled, irresponsible, drug addicts. House: Actually two-wheeled vehicles that go 180 miles an hour do not go well with healthy responsible architects who don’t know how to separate breaking and turning. [While he is saying this, House is lifting his right leg over the bike, and settling down onto the seat.] Good news is, it brings the price right down. Wilson: You’re taking it back. House:[Mock whining] Moooom! How about we talk about this over dinner. Wilson: Forget dinner, you’re gonna kll yourself! Chase: Nice bike! [See the ducklings walking over] House: Thank you. See that’s how you do it, compliments, dinner. Cameron: What do you do with your cane? House: If he buys me dinner, he’ll find out. [House takes his cane back from Wilson and twirls it, then clicks it into place on the side of the bike. A special holder is there for that purpose.] Evil Kineval had the same setup. Cameron: And he broke every bone in his body. Foreman: We went though all the imaging studies, and re-did blood cultures. [House turns on the bike, and gently revs the engine] House: I don’t want hand-me-downs. I want brand new stuff. Foreman: Well there’s nothing [House revs the engine louder] There’s nothing…[House revs the engine again.] House: Sorry I didn’t catch that last part! [Chase is laughing] Foreman: There’s nothing [Engine revs again, Foreman gives up and stops speaking and House stops revving the engine. Everyone including Wilson starts to smile, Foreman tries again] There's nothing else we can do. House: You checked the police report? Foreman: On what? House: On his mom's car accident. Cameron: It was 15 years ago, the kid wasn't even in the car House: She veered off a straight dry road in broad daylight. That doesn't seem odd to you? Foreman: She probably got distracted changing radio stations or something. House: That's what the police thought. Of course, they didn't know that she has a family member who is frequently incapacitated by shock-like sensations Cameron: Genetic component seems unlikely House: It's interesting. Type 2 neurofibromatosis could cause the shocks. Foreman: You knew this was missing? House: [shrugs] I knew something was missing. Maybe this, maybe something else. Get a DNA analysis of the long arm of chromosome 22 [Ducklings nod and walk back to the hospital. House revs up the engine of the bike and then turns it off, turning to Wilson] House: You'd rather have dinner with your wife? Wilson: Yes, I would. If she were speaking to me. House: [smiles] Unlike her, I could make it worth your while [leers] Wilson: Fine. House: Should I drive? Wilson: Uhh...no. And I'm not letting you in my car until I see your wallet (Cut to Foreman and Cameron in Carnell's room) Foreman: NF2. It's an inherited disease [he sticks a long cotton bud to swab the inside of Carnell's cheek] Could cause abnormal growths in the cranial nerves. It would explain the shocks and other symptoms Cameron: DNA analysis will show whether your son has the specific chromosome mutation which causes the disease Ken: But if it's inherited, that means someone else in our family would have it Foreman: We think your wife may have had it Ken: No, she never had any sort of health problems Cameron: No odd-looking freckles? Nodules in the iris? Ken: Nothing. I mean, why would you think she was sick? Cameron: We think it may have been what caused her car accident Carnell: Wait, wait... what do you mean? My mom's car was ht by a drunk driver. Foreman: That's not what the police report indicated [Ken looking very guilty] Carnell: Well, then you must have gotten the wrong report Ken: No. They didn't. [sighs] When you started driving, I umm... Carnell: Wha... you lied about how mom died? Ken: I figured if her death could somehow mean something to you-- Carnell: How's lying about it mean something?! How could you use her like that, dad? Her death? Ken: I was just trying to protect you. Carnell: What else isn't true? She wasn't a teacher? You just wanted me to read? Foreman: What's that smell? Cameron: [sniffs] I don't smell... Foreman: [pulls down Carnell's blankets, he's literally pooped himself] We're going to need a nurse Carnell: What the hell? Cameron: It's ok, we'll take care of it Ken: You didn't feel anything? Carnell: No. Foreman: [takes out his pen and pushes the point against Carnell's big toe] You feel that? Carnell: Yeah Cameron: But you didn't feel any of this? Carnell: No. (Cut to the conference room) Foreman: Sphincter paralysis plus shocks equals Miller Fisher syndrome Chase: Not if you had the stool sample which was negative for botulinism ((this is what the House website says Chase says, and I can't make out what Chase actually says in the ep)) House: He lied to his son about how his mom died? [takes a vicodin] Cameron: He was just protecting him House: Manipulating him. Cameron: It's what parents do. House: They lie to us because they love us. Who's getting teary? Foreman: Mom's death is irrelevant. DNA revealed no NF2 markers or any other inherited disease. Apparently, she really did fall asleep at the wheel. House: SO, what exactly are we talking about here? A little peeker, or did the prairie dog actually come out to play? Cameron: Excuse me? House: Are we talking explsive? Cameron: The haemacel was negative for blood, and I wouldn't say he actually exploded. More like... gushed? [the phone starts ringing, House walks over to pick it up] House: Good, now we're getting somewhere [checks the caller ID] Foreman: Yeah? Where? House: I have no idea [picks up the phone] Hello? Foreman: Of course! The riddles. House: Hi mom! Look, err, I have a business dinner on thursday night, I can't get out of it. I know, I really I wanted to see you too. Uhh, actually, can I call you back? I'm in a meeting right now. Okay, thanks. [The ducklings look confused and startled, House puts down the phone] Cameron: Who was that? House: Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that's sexy? [turns back to the whiteboard] So, explsive or gushing... Cameron: She never calls you, is everything okay? House: Great, yeah. My dad's taking her to Europe, they got a nine-hour layover in Newark on thursday. If it's gastrointestinal... Cameron: You lied to avoid seeing your own mom. House: Are you kidding? I can't lie to my mom. [Cameron's look clearly says that's obviously bullshit] Seriously, I can't! Wilson's invited me to dinner. It'd be rude to stand up a guy who just loaned me 5 grand. [Cameron looks shocked] Foreman: Transverse myelitis. Could cause numbness, al sphincter dysfunction, and the shocks. House: Thank you for taking no interest in my mother. But that begs the question, what caused the tranverse myelitis? Foreman: Well, we've ruled out cancer and MS, leaves infection Cameron: If there's infection there'd be a fever Chase: And his blood and CSF cultures are all negative Foreman: Maybe the infection's gone but the memory remains House: Molecular mimicry. Nice. Okay, get an immunoglobulin level and an electrophoresis [Ducklings walk out] House: [talking to the symptoms on the whiteboard] You're good my friend, I'm sure we'll meet again. (Cut to the Ducklings walking down the hallway) Cameron: You really think that was his mom on the phone? Chase: Probably. Don't know why he'd lie about that. Foreman: Who cares? Cameron: You're not the least bit curious what his parents are like? Foreman: I'm sure his mom's a piece of work! Only a mother could do that much damage. Chase: My bet's he was born the way he is. Probably tormented his parents, not the other way around Foreman: Yeah he was either a fast runner or one hell of a fighter. [to Cameron, who's walking to another door away from where the Ducklings were probably supposed to go to do the tests] Where are you going? Cameron: You guys can handle the tests, right? (Cut to Cameron talking to Wilson in his office) Cameron: Is there something important that you and House need to discuss over dinner? Wilson: Other than the sky-rocketing interest rates on personal loans? You know this is the fourth time I've loaned him money? Not lunch money. Money money. Cameron: House's parents... they have a layover in Newark thursday evening. Wilson: [throws his pen on to the table and sighs] I'm cancelling dinner Cameron: No. Thought maybe you could just invite a few more people. (Cut to Chase performing a lumbar puncture on Carnell) Foreman: An infectious agent's molecular structure can resemble the spinal cord's. When the immune system attcks the infection, it ends up attacking the spinal cords as well. Ken: So he has an infection? Carnell: Just said I don't Foreman: If the infection is gone, it goes right on attacking because the spinal cord is still there Ken: Is there a treatment? Chase: Depends on what the original infection was. [To Carnell] All right, you're done. You need to lay flat after a lumbar puncture for about an hour. Carnell: I feel like I'm going to throw up. Hey dad, can you uhh, can you get me a coke please? Ken: Yeah, that usually helps [Carnell's rolling his eyes] Chase: You're done [Carnell rolls over back on to his back] Foreman: If you're nauseous [he brings a small metal bowl to put under Carnell's mouth] Carnell: [waves it away] No, I'm not nauseous, I just wanted him out of here Chase: He's your dad, he's going to be around Carnell: Yeah, I know. It's not that it's... (Cut to House facepalmming while sitting at the table in the conference room with Chase and Foreman) House: Are these people completely incapable of telling the truth to each other? Chase: He went to Jamaica with his friends. House: [sighs] No wonder he lied. Children aren't supposed to have good times. Foreman: One of his friends flew them down. Carnell's dad has this thing about him accepting stuff from rich friends. Wants him to remember who he is, where he came from. [Cameron suddenly walks in] House: Where have you been? Cameron: Making dinner plans. What's up? House: The boys have uncovered the shocking fact that the patient has a crappy relationship with his dad. Cameron: They seem to actually care House: Well I don't. There's only one reason any kid with a plane flies to Jamaica. Foreman: It wasn't for marijuana. He doesn't do anything but drink House: He say that to you or his paps? Cameron: Tox screen was negative for THC House: [thoughtful] Spring break was over a month ago, even pot would have washed out by now Foreman: Even if he'd smoked, no way marijuana causes tranverse myelitis House: True. But the stuff they put on it does. Chase: Pesticides. Foreman: Why would he come clean about the trip but lie about smoking pot? Chase: Well you wouldn't necessarily have to smoke to get pesticide poisoning. He could have eaten fruit that had been sprayed or been exposed to his skin on a hike. House: Or he could have smoked it. A lot of it. And then lied about it because that's what this family does. Start him on IV of pralidoxime. 2 grams per litre and then 1 gram every eight hours until you see some improvement. Foreman: You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis. House: Which is why it's gonna be so cool when I turn out to be right. [Ducklings start to walk out] House: Cameron, who were you making dinner plans with? Cameron: [looking very innocent] No one. [House doesn't look convinced] (Cut to House walking up to Wilson's car in the outdoors car park at night) House: You bastard! [Wilson turns around and sees House] You invited my parents to dinner. Wilson: Geez Cameron's got a big mouth! House: Hah! Not as big as yours! Wilson: Hey! You used me to avoid seeing your parents. House: Well what do you care? Wilson: I don't, I just thought it might be interesting to find out why. House: You could have just asked. Wilson: You would have lied! House: And you would have believed me! Which would have kept us both happy. [Wilson looks utterly confused] You want your money back? Is this what this is about? Wilson: No! [pause] Wait, what... have you got the money? [House rests his cane against the car and digs in his pockets for something] Wilson: If you have the money then why did you need the loan? House: I didn't. [takes out his chequebook and starts writing a cheque] Just wanted to see if you could give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me 40 dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you draw the line. Wilson: [dumbfounded] You're [splutters] you're trying to... objectively measure how much I value our friendship?! House: Hey, it's 5 grand. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. [tears the cheque out of his chequebook] So what do you say? One little phone call and one big cheque? Wilson: [takes the cheque and puts it in his wallet] Fine. Thanks. Now, be a grown-up and either tell mommy and daddy you don't want to see them, or I'm picking you up at 7 for dinner [gets into his car] House: [shocked] What do you mean? You just said that-- Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you looked good unshaved, a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, see where you draw the line [closes the car door and starts his car up] (Cut to hospital next morning) Cuddy: How's the patient? Foreman: Haven't been in yet today. Cuddy: As long as he hasn't gotten any worse. We're treating him for pesticide poisoning without any proof it was pesticides. I'm going to have hell of a time explaining that to our lawyer. Foreman: I told House not to-- [They walk into Carnell's room. He's sitting up guzzling his breakfast] Cuddy: Wow! Foreman: [aside to Cuddy] Lawyer's not going to believe this. Ken: [laughing] He's got his appetite back! Whatever you did is working. (House walking down the corridor with Cuddy) House: He's healthy, so all is forgiven. Now I'm feeling nauseous. Cuddy: [looking at Carnell's files] He is not healthy. Nausea and diarrhoea were not his only symptoms! House: The shocks have also decreased Cuddy: But not disappeared. House: And he's out of the diaper, which is good news for everyone. Cuddy: What about his low white count? House: The little buggers need time to grow. Don't worry, our wrestling Rastafarian will be back on his feet and sneaking around behind pap's back again in no time. [the phone in his office starts ringing, House picks it up] Yeah. [pause] Check it again. I'll be right there. [puts down the phone] Cuddy: What happened? House: Apparently I can save money by switching to another long-distance carrier. Cuddy: Oh I was right, wasn't I? House: Oh yeah, it's always about you isn't it? (Cut to House walking into Carnell's room) Cameron: He has the chills and his temperature's spiking. It's nearly 106 [Carnell is shaking and sweating all over. House walks over to check Carnell's pupils and pulse] Ken: What's that mean? I mean... what's happening? House: You want the truth? Or you want me to make something up to protect you? We think a drunk driver broke into his room. Ken: [angry] What's happening to my son! House: The truth is... I have no idea. (Cut to House writing FEVER on the whiteboard and underlining it) House: There's the fever that Cameron was looking for Cameron: We knew if it was myelitis there had to be an "itis". This must be the infection that set it off. House: Yeah, except in this universe, effect follows cause. I've complained about it, but-- Cameron: Maybe the tests were wrong House: No, the tests were right. Yesterday he had no fever, no infection. Chase: So he just happened to catch a bug while he was here? That's all this is? House: Yeah. Because his white blood cell count was down he was vulnerable, because it's really down it might k*ll him. That's ALL this is. Is he still pooping his pants? Chase: He just started again. House: Again? Chase: It stopped when he was getting better. House: He was feeling better, he was never getting better. Foreman: So, all we have to answer is what causes a 22-year-old kid to become immuno-compromised with GI involvement AND shocks. Chase: And to stop and start for no apparent reason. Cameron: And we need to find an answer before this infection kills him. House: That would be the ideal. You [points to Chase] intravenous broad spectrum antibiotics. You [points to Foreman] get a cervical thoracic and lumbar T2-weighted fast spin echo MRIs, and you [points to Cameron] track down all those Richie Riches who went to Jamaica. See if any of them have got the shocks, the trots or the hots. Hots is the... fever [All the Ducklings leave on their various errands] (Cut to the Ducklings exiting the elevator together) Cameron: You guys gonna join us for dinner thursday? Chase: Umm... gotta do my laundry. Cameron: You're not curious? Chase: I'm curious about crocs but I don't stick my head in their mouths Foreman: I'm out too. What? House is a freak! There's no virus that causes that, no DNA mutation. You're going to have one dinner with two people, sixty minutes. Most of it spent chewing and talking about the weather. Unless they say something like "do you prefer the chardonnay or the merlot? And oh, we kept Greg locked in the closet for 17 years" [Cameron laughs, Chase smiles], you're not going to learn anything. Cameron: Okay. (Cut to Carnell's room) Cameron: We'd like to talk to some of your friends, see if they have any similar symptoms Ken: The doctors in the ER already asked me that. Cameron: We understand, but they didn't have all the information that we have now. Ken: What kind of information? Cameron: Would you mind if I spoke with Carnell alone for a minute? Ken: Is this bad news? Cameron: No. It's just confidential. Ken: Why is something suddenly confidential? I mean, if you know something about my son, I need to know what's going on. Cameron: I'm sorry, I have to insist. Ken: I'm his father. And if I'm going to take care of him, I need to know the truth. Carnell: Dad... she wants to know who I went to Jamaica with. Ken: You've never been to Jamaica! Carnell: Taddy's dad flew a bunch of us down over Spring break. Ken: You told me you had two papers to write over the break. Carnell: 'Cause I didn't want to come home and work my ass off. I wanted an actual break. Don't wanna break for once. I shouldn't have lied to you. Ken: No, what you should have done is come home instead of partying with your rich friends. Cameron: I'm sorry, we need those names. (Cut to Cuddy entering her office, House follows her in) Cuddy: What do you want? House: To apologise. [Cuddy smiles, not trusting House one bit] I realise that my attention to the clinic has been somewhat lax of late and I want to make amends. How about tomorrow night, I take the night shift? Cuddy: The clinic's closed at night House: Yeah but I'm sure there's plenty of things to be done, there's charts to be reviewed, supplies inventoried-- Cuddy: Dinners avoided? House: You're going too? Cuddy: I love their cod salad. House: Gimme a reason to get out of this, and I'll tell you who started the rumour about you being a transsexual. Cuddy: There is no such rumour. House: There will be, unless you get me out of this dinner. Cuddy: No one's making you do this, House, just do what everybody else does, lie to them. House: You lie to your mother? Cuddy: Only since I was twelve! House: My mom's a human polygraph. My dad's taking her to Vegas, not the Louvre. Cuddy: Trust me, your mom would much rather think you have a business meeting than you hate her. House: I don't hate her. I hate him. (Cut to Cameron talking to Taddy in an office at night) Taddy: We all had headaches, nausea, vomiting. You know, we figured it was connected to the massive amounts of drinking. What, you think what happened to Carnell had something to do with the trip? Cameron: Don't know, you haven't had any unexplained pain or strange feelings since you got back? Taddy: Nope, except for a little Leslie's foot I'm fine. Cameron: Can I see it? Taddy: See what? Cameron: Your feet. There's a common parasite in Jamaica that can resemble foot fungus. Taddy: [uncomfortable] It's not really my feet. You know, I figured fungus is fungus. It's my groin. Cameron: I'm going to need to take a look at that. Taddy: Now? Cameron: Unless you want to come down to the hospital with me. Taddy: No, no, I can't. I mean, I just started two days ago, we're right in the middle of a big mer-- Cameron: Then drop your pants. [Taddy slowly gets up and drops his pants, Cameron bends down with her latex gloves on and takes a look. Suddenly, an older guy opens the door] Older guy: Riley I need the-- What the hell's going on here? Taddy: She's a doctor! Cameron: I'm a doctor, he has a rash and a friend of his is-- Older guy: Right, well, as soon as she's done treating your rash, I need the numbers on deport technology. Taddy: Yes sir. Older guy: And err... doctor why don't you leave a card on your way out? [Cameron gapes in shock and sighs] (Cut to the hospital, next morning) Cameron: Except for one guy with a rash, no one else on the trip has any health issues. Wilson: What kind of rash? Cameron: I don't know. I took some scrapings, it doesn't appear to be ringworm. House: What did it look like? Aside from not ringworm. Cameron: Basically like diaper rash. He's been working around the clock, said he hasn't changed his clothes in three days. Chase: Kaposi's sarcoma could look like diaper rash. Wilson: Any discolouration around the edges? House: Get him in here, we all wanna take a look. Foreman: Even if it is Kaposi's it's not related. Our patient doesn't have any skin symptoms and we've already ruled out cancer. House: What are the odds of two friends who've just returned from a trip outside the country coming down with unexplained, but unrelated illnesses? Get him in here. Cameron: He won't come. Just started a new job after graduation, they're working on some big merger. House: Tell him his friend's life hangs in the balance. Cameron: That's what I told him the first time. Still wound up driving into Manhattan. House: Tell him his life hangs in the balance. Tell him the rash is flesh-eating and the next course in the menu is his frank and beans. (Cut to Cameron talking to Cuddy in the hallway) Cameron: Where's Stacy? Cuddy: Err... speaking at a Conference in Baltimore, why what do you need? Cameron: Can I ask an opinion on a patient? House wants me to lie to the kid to get him in here. Cuddy: Well then you'll be the one getting the (supina?) Cameron: Well we do need to diagnosis his friend. Cuddy: Take the test to the kid. Cameron: There is no test, House just wants to look at it. Cuddy: Then take House to "it". Cameron: Yeah, like that's going to happen. Cuddy: Tell House his parents called. Said they were coming in early. He'll go anywhere just to avoid them [walks into her office] Cameron: So it's ok to lie to House but not to a patient. Cuddy: [smug] Yep! [Cameron's beeper starts beeping] (Cut to Carnell screaming in pain) Foreman: What's wrong? Ken: His stomach's getting a lot worse Chase: It's rigid! [CGI of Carnell's intestines] He's bleeding into his abdomen. Cameron: [rushing in] What's going on? Foreman: We need a surgeon and an OR, stat! Cameron: On it! [picks up the phone by the bedside] Ken: Try to hang in there, Carnell (Cut to the OR, House and Ducklings looking on from the observation deck) Chase: The infection caused a perforation in his sigmoid colon. It's repairable. Foreman: But it means the antibiotics aren't working. House: Double the dose. And add tygacil to the list. Foreman: Soon as he's out of surgery. House: Where's Richie Rich? Cameron: He said he can't leave work. House: Yeah, you told me that 2 hours ago. Cameron: I'm not going to lie. House: Why, 'cause it's wrong? Or because you're a coward? Cameron: Hmm, tough choice. House: You've been wasting 2 hours of the kid's time. Is that deeply and unforgivably morally wrong? No. Because it's not a waste of his time. Unless we're wrong, unless his condition has got nothing to do with his friend's. You're just afraid of being wrong. Cameron: Your parents called. [House looks a little stunned] They had to catch an earli-- Cuddy: [suddenly walks in] You don't have to lie to him, kid's on his way here. Cameron: He got off work? Cuddy: Yeah, by vomiting blood. Ambulance is 10 minutes out. (Camera zooms downs the hallway to Cameron standing arms crossed and House pulling on a pair of latex gloves) [Paramedics wheel Taddy in on a gurney] House: You Taddy? Taddy: What? [Cameron pauses the paramedics] House: Love the name. If I ever have a dog... take off his pants. Taddy: [to Cameron] Hey. House: Don't talk to her, listen to me Paramedic: He's vomited in excess of 3 units of blood, he needs to be admitted before-- House: You wanted to be a doctor, maybe you should have buckled down a little more in high school [takes a pair of scissors and starts cutting up Taddy's pants] Paramedic: Bite me. Taddy: What are you doing? House: Exactly how close were you and Carnell? Taddy: Not so close. House: Spend a lot of time together in Jamaica? Share a room? Taddy: Wait, you don't think... look, we're not gay. House: Not saying you're gay, I'm saying you had sex. [tears the pants open and starts inspecting the rash near Taddy's groin. Fortunately, Taddy's still got his briefs on] Taddy: Look we're not gay, we hardly even hung out. House: Right, so you just flew him down to Jamaica because he won a contest. Taddy: No he's in my frat, all right? Between school and wrestling, and going home every break to work in his father's junkyard, Carnell didn't have any time to hang out with anybody. House: It's not fungus. Cameron: I already told you that. House: There's no pustules, it's not Staph... [suddenly looks up at Taddy] His dad's what? Taddy: His dad owns a scrap metal salvage yard. Carnell worked there during breaks. [House suddenly abandons the scissors and quickly walks away] (Cut to House sweeping the curtains aside with his cane in the recovery room. Carnell is still unconscious, Ken is stroking his son's head] House: You lied. Ken: What are you talking about? House: Oh, yeah, problems with this family, probably need more specifics. You told us you owned a construction company, not a salvage yard. Ken: I know the way things work, the better my job, the better my son gets treated. House: Right. That's why I'm mad. 'Cause we wasted all that filet mignon on you. Did your kid find anything unusual the last time he worked for you? Ken: No. House: Braided wire, metal weights, lead canister, maybe just a lid. Probably used it as a door stop or paperweight. Ken: Why would he wanna-- [stops mid sentence, long pause] House: Okay, here it comes Ken: I gave him an early graduation gift, old plumb I found. Looks like a fishing weight. Put it on a keychain so he'd always remember where he came from. House: So he can lie about it later. Where's the keychain? Ken: I don't know. He never used it, just kept it as a good luck charm. House: Kept it where? Ken: I don't know! Why? Why does it matter? [House walks out, the Ducklings are standing together waiting for House] House: Where are the kid's clothes? Cameron: In the bureau back in his regular room? House: [gestures at Chase and Foreman] You two get it to radiology. Foreman: His clothes? House: The bureau. Don't open it. [they rush off, he turns to Cameron] You come with me. (Cut to the Radiology room, Cameron's observing from behind the mirror in another room a House walks in alone with a small box. Foreman and Chase carry the bureau in and set it on the floor) House: Set it down there. Now get out of here, this thing is radioactive. [he takes an instrument to measure radioactivity out of the small box and turns it on. Chase runs out] Foreman: The chances of radiation causing CNS symptoms? [The instrument makes a noise immediately after it's turned on. House exchanges a look with Foreman. House opens up the first drawer, the noise from the instrument becomes even louder] Foreman: Woah. [House takes out a bag with a keychain attached to one of the zips, the instrument indicates that the metal weight attached to the key chain is of radioactive material] House: Call the boys in the lead pajamas. [Foreman runs out] (Cut to the Conference room) Foreman: The measurements weren't high enough to cause Central Nervous System damage. Chase: It might not have caused nerve damage, but it definitely destroyed his immune system. House: And caused tumours. Cameron: We don't know that. None of the MRIs showed anything. House: Do a PET scan. Check his cervical spine. It's not going to be good news. (Cut to hospital at night) Foreman: Mr Hall... it's not good news. [Carnell is unconscious and using a gas mask to breathe, Foreman is talking to Ken] Foreman: The piece of metal that you gave Carnell was from an industrial device used to test wells. People aren't supposed to just dump radioactive material... Ken: But they do. [sighs] So what now? I mean, what do you do? Foreman: Anyone who's had contact with the source will have to immediately get treatment for radiation sickness. Taddy carried it on his lap on the flight-- Ken: So there is a treatment? Foreman: Transfusions. And then we try to get the fluids and electrolytes balanced. Carnell... he's had much more exposure. The equivalent of about 70,000 chest X-rays. His ability to create white blood cells has been completely destroyed. Ken: That's why he... he... can't fight off this infection? Foreman: He's going to need a bone marrow transplant. And we did a... we did another PET scan. There's a cavernous angioma within his spinal cord, it's a tumour. That's what’s been causing the shocks and CNS symptoms. Ken: [looks like he's about on the edge of breaking down but only just managing to keep himself together] He has a tumour inside of his spinal cord? Foreman: Yeah. The cord is... is made of strands put together. Sort of like a kite string. The surgeon should be able to pull the strands apart and excise the tumour, but surgery on someone who is as hemopoetically compromised as your son is... it's extremely risky. Ken: [with tears in his eyes, his voice raw from keeping the tears back] And uh... if you don't do this surgery... I mean... Foreman: The tumour could cause his breathing to stop. Possibly his heart as well. There's no way you could have known. [Foreman watches Ken trying to deal with his emotions while Cameron and Chase start moving Carnell's bed to take him to another room] You're going to have to come with us, you need to start treatment yourself. Ken: No, no no no, I can start my treatment later... Foreman: But he can't. He needs to be in a sterile isolation room to prevent further infections. (Cut to House in his office looking at Carnell's chart) [The office door opens and House's parents walk in, House looks surprised] House: Mom. Mom: We're early. House: [gets up and hugs her] It's great to see you. Mom: [teases him] Oh Greg, don't lie. [House looks up at his father with an uncomfortable look on his face] Mom: We came at a bad time, didn't we? House: Actually, yeah. I uh... I have to take a rain check. Dad: Aww, plans have been made. Wilson made 'em. House: I asked him to cancel. I'm dealing with kind of a complicated case right now, so... Dad: Well, we'll just come back when things aren't so out of control. House: My team is busy. Mom: You don't want to see us? House: Mom, don't make me feel guilty. Mom: No no, of course not! Sorry. House: I've got a patient who's probably going to die of radiation poisoning. Dad: So that means you can't eat? Come on, let's grab a bite in the cafeteria. Mom: I'll buy you a ruben. House: Well I guess I've got time for a sandwich. Mom: [smiles] Good! [Cameron walks in] House: Yeah? Cameron: I just wanted to let you know that Carnell's prepped for surgery. House: Thank you. [She walks in and introduces herself to House's parents and shakes their hands] Cameron: Hi, I'm Allison Cameron. I work with your son. Dad: Greg's told us all about you. Cameron: Really? [House and Dad share a look] Dad: New, huh? House: Nope. Just gullible. Dad: I'm sorry, I was just making fun of my son, not of you. Mom: We're just about to go get something to eat, would you care to join us? [Cameron checks for House's reaction, he obviously is NOT in favour of the idea] Cameron: You don't have a lot of time with your son. Maybe another time. [Cameron leaves] (Cut to Carnell in surgery) Surgeon: Do you like the Beatles? Chase: They're all right. Surgeon: My 12-year-old just turned me back on to them. McCartney's gotta have more money than God. [While the whole conversation's going on, the Surgeon is taking out the last of Carnell's tumour] Surgeon: Think that's all of it. Reverse him. How's he doing? [Chase runs a pair of scissors down Carnell's foot which moves a little in response] Chase: Looks pretty good down here. Surgeon: Do I rock or what? [As if on cue, alarms start ringing] Nurse: His pressure's dropping! Surgeon: Give him another two units. Nurse: I did already! Chase: His heart rate's falling, he's haemorrhaging. (Cut to House and parents eating in the hospital cafeteria) [Cameron is observing this from the door secretly. Foreman walks up behind her] Foreman: They're talking about mom's last trip to the dentist. Grown children talking to their parents, nothing gets talked about. Trust me, you're not missing anything. (Cut closer to the action at the table) Dad: So, besides work, what you been up to? House: Not much. Dad: You always say that. Not much. [Briefly see Cameron walking away] House: It's always the answer. Dad: Any new babes you might want to tell me about? Mom: Leave him alone, John. House: Got a new motorcycle. Might have seen it out front, it's orange with a gigantic scrape. Dad: Is it the one in the handicap parking? House: Yeah. Looks like crap, but it drives great. Mom: You'll be careful, right? [House nods] Dad: Last I checked, you still have two legs. House: Actually, three [holds up his cane] Dad: [doesn't look amused] You know what your problem is, Greg? House: Shifting gears? Dad: You just don't know how lucky you are. [Father and son stare at each other] Dad: Where's the head? [House points to the back] House: [turns to his mother] Well, good thing we got that cleared up Mom: Oh he was just trying to help. House: I don't need help. Mom: I know. You're absolutely perfect just the way you are. [House and Mom share a smile] (Cut to Ken sitting in an armchair, probably undergoing treatment himself) [Wilson walks in with a cup of coffee for Ken] Ken: Thank you. So how much longer do you think he'll be in surgery? Wilson: It's hard to say. Ken: Hmm [nods, then starts to laugh]. You know he just started school when Anne died? I was a mess. Still adjusting to being a parent, much less a single parent. You know I used to put cold pancakes in his lunchbox [chuckles]. I mean, that was the only thing that I could make that he would eat. Wilson: You did ok, he's a good kid. [Chase walks in wearing scrubs] Ken: Hey. So... how is he? Chase: Well, the surgeon has removed the tumour without damaging the spinal cord, but the infection has caused another intestinal perforation. We stopped the bleeding, but his white count keeps falling. Ken: Okay.. um... so what now? Another drug? Antibiotics? What? [he looks towards Wilson who doesn't answer, then looks back at Chase] Chase: I'm sorry. The reality is, no matter what we give him, it's unlikely he's going to be able to fight off the infections. [The realisation suddenly hits Ken. He looks at Wilson who looks down at the floor, Ken is speechless and he nods slowly as tears spring to his eyes] Ken: Okay, okay. (Cut to House playing on his game boy) [Cameron walks in] Cameron: The father and the friend are responding well to treatment. Things aren't looking so good for Carnell. House: [sprawled out on an arm chair and one leg on a foot rest] Thank you. For not eating. [He gives her a look that looks thankful but also uncomfortable with the situation] Cameron: It was none of my business. House: [nods] They seem perfectly pleasant don't they? They are. He was a marine pilot. She was a housewife. Married 47 years. They had one child. Mom was just like everyone else, nice enough, great sense of humour, hates confrontation. My dad's just like you. Not the caring 'til your eyes pop out part, just the insane moral compass that won't let you lie to anybody about anything. It's a great quality for boy scouts and police witnesses. Crappy quality for a dad. (Cut to Ken sitting down next to Carnell who's just woken up) Ken: Hey, how're you doing? Carnell: I'm hanging in there. Ken: [sighs] I'm sorry I lied to you about mom. Carnell: I'm sorry I lied to you too. Ken: There was nothing good that came out of her dying. Carnell: I'm not mad. I know why you did it, it worked. I never drink and drive. [Ken pats his son awkwardly on the shoulder] Carnell: I'm scared, dad. Ken: Come on, there's nothing to be scared of. You're going to be just fine. Carnell: Don't play me. I wanna know the truth. Ken: I'm telling you the truth. You're going to be fine. I swear. Carnell: I love you, dad. Ken: I love you too. [House's reflection can be seen on the glass as Ken kisses his son's hand. He's watching father and son then walks away] (Cut to Wilson and Cameron walking in the car park at night) Cameron: Why does he hate seeing his parents? So his dad tells the truth, he can't handle that? Wilson: He hates being a disappointment. Cameron: He's a doctor, world famous! How disappointed can they be? Wilson: You know what I figure is worse than watching your son become crippled? Watching him be miserable. (House with his leather jacket and helmet turning on his motorcycle in the same car park Wilson and Cameron were walking in. He revs up the bike, put on his gloves and flips the plastic cover of his helmet down before riding off. The camera pans in on the Handicap Parking Only sign where House's motorcycle was parked)	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x05 - Daddy's Boy"}	foreverdreaming
[Scene opens on bike race] Announcer: As the riders begin lap 2, Jeff Forster is leading the pack. [A car parks, two boys jump out] Kid 1: This is so cool! Kid 2: Did we miss anything? Kid 1: They've got like 11 laps to go Kid 2: We've got to find a good place where he can see the sign as he goes by Mom: Wait up kids! [Kid 1 checks a map at a booth] Kid 1: Turn 6! Come on! [Kid 2 looks like he has some difficulty breathing as he runs to catch up] Kid 1: That's it! Up there! Kid 2: Can you see anything? [Wheezes] Mom: Did you bring his inhaler? Dad: Oh crap, it's in the car. I'll go get it. [Mom runs to catch up with the kids who are at the sidelines] Mom: Are you ok? Your dad's going to be right-- Kid 2: I can see him, he's right up front! Mom: Honey, you're wheezing! Kid 2: Here they come! [Holds up sign saying "Go #1 Jeff"] Kid 1: Go Jeff! Yeah! [As Jeff cycles by] Kid 2: You're number one! [Jeff looks like he has difficulty breathing too] Kid 1: He doesn't look so good. [Dad brings Kid 2 his inhaler; everyone is staring at Jeff as he falls off his bike causing a huge crash bringing down other cyclists] [House yawns and uses his cane to tip over a CD which continues tipping over other various items across his desk until his bottle of Vicodin drops into his hand - VERY cool] House: Yeah! [Stacy barges in wearing a '70's headband] Stacy: We need to talk. House: Oh god. Are you pregnant? 'Cause I really want to finish high school Stacy: You have to renew your credential! House: They're good for two more months Stacy: Three weeks. The paperwork takes forever. Your application, your malpractice insurance, criminal records check - you know that's going to take some explaining House: You know; our relationship was way better when we were sleeping together. Why'd we stop doing that? Did you get married? Stacy: Yeah! Otherwise I'd be on you like red on rice House: Rice doesn't rhy-- oh I get it! Stacy: You're also behind on your dictations House: I don't do dictations. Cameron does them, or somebody. Stacy: You can't have your sole female employee doing your clerical work which you'd know if you'd attended the required sexual harassment seminars. Then I'm going to pause so you can make a crack about harassment. [Cuddy walks in] House: Joke kller Cuddy: House, got a patient House: [sighs] Sorry, can't play anymore, my mom's calling me [walks out of his office] Cuddy: We just admitted a world class cyclist House: You've got to fre Stacy Cuddy: Yeah I'll get right on that [deadpan]. Jeff Forster, respiratory arrest at 30 miles per hour. House: She's loading me up with pointless paperwork Cuddy: Didn't know you were behind on your pointless paperwork. O2 stats are in the-- House: She's hostile. You know me, hostility makes me shrink up like a... can't think of a non-sexual metaphor. She's going to stand over my desk with a ruler checking my spelling! Cuddy: ER checked for lung infiltrates, nothing there House: Professional athletes, Cuddy! It's like watching an old movie at 2am, re-living all the classic moments. Part where he denies its drugs, part where the good guys ride in, test the blazing, prove that it IS drugs. Oscar clip, he can't imagine how that got into his body! So familiar, so comforting. [Points back at his office where Stacy still is] She can't handle working with me Cuddy: Oh right, yeah, she's still got a thing for you, making it impossible for her to deal, makes perfect sense. Except for the pronouns! [The elevator door opens] House: Anyway, thanks for getting me out of that meeting. [Starts to walk away] Cuddy: He's not denying the drugs. [House pauses and looks back] Cuddy: I'm thinking he's actually sick. (Cut to Jeff's room where Jeff is with a black lady - his manager) Cuddy: Jeff Forster, this is Dr-- House: I'm a doctor, you're a sick person. [Looks at the manager] And you are a loved one Manager: Actually, Manager. We've been together for seven years [sticks her hand out to shake House's. House looks away and ignores the gesture] House: So what's the drug du jour on the bike circuit these days? Still erythropoietin? Or are you guys just chugging battery acid? Jeff: [Wheezing as he speaks] There's no way I'd touch EPO. Too many guys stroking out and dying. House: Damn! [Looks at Cuddy] Ten bucks for the tickets, six for the popcorn Jeff: I do straight blood doping. Cuddy: Plot twist! House: That's a very daring confession Manager: We've got confidentiality, right? House: Assuming I'm more ethical than your client. [Cuddy rolls her eyes] House: So, injecting yourself with donor red blood cells for fun and profit. Any other tricks up your sleeve? Jeff: Well, nothing much recently. I'm in town for a charity ride so it didn't matter if I won. The kids just needed to see me. House: So you go slower they see you longer. Let's say that our health could be affected by things we did before last Friday. Jeff: Well... umm, I usually sleep in a hypobaric chamber. I've been pumping up electrolytes with an IV drip and herbal supplements, amphetamines, and diuretics [House starts pouring a glass of water] House: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, but why would you be sick? Jeff: I know that doping has risks, I know that it's outside the rules, but I do what I have to to kick ass at my job. Don't you? [House takes a Vicodin] Cuddy: Dr House is a firm believer in good old fashion hard work. [House theatrically drinks some water and swallows his Vicodin as Cuddy says this] [Cut to the Ducklings and House in the conference room] [House is writing on the whiteboard] House: This guy doesn't even get sick like a regular person. Instead of a list of symptoms and no cause, we have a list of possible causes for one symptom Chase: Is the symptom death? House: Respiratory distress. And insanity doesn't cause it, I looked it up. Foreman: It's the doping. Injecting extra red cells boosts your endurance level, but it also thickens your blood. Thick blood equals clots equals respiratory distress House: Not with a clean spiral chest CT Cameron: Guy's sleeping in a hypobaric chamber. Over-oxygenation can cause cell damage and if the cells in the lungs are damaged-- House: That'd cause pulmonary oedema which he doesn't have Chase: Supplements he's been taking contain yojimbo which can cause nerve paralysis House: Tox screen was normal. All the tests were normal. There's no clot, no oedema, and yet he still can't breathe, so there's something in here that we can't see. Foreman: Oh! Air. House: Come to papa! Foreman: This guy's been injecting himself how many times a day? All it'd take is one slip of the needle to cause an air embolism. House: The air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony. Get a VQ scan, check his veins for bubbles. [House gestures his cane and makes a noise like he's loading a rfle] (Cut to Ducklings testing Jeff) Foreman: Xenon 133, it's just radioactive enough for us to track the air movement through your lungs Jeff: My accident on the news? Foreman: Yeah, you made page of the week Jeff: Few more hours and cycling would be as popular as NASCAR Foreman: We inject similar stuff into your blood so we can watch it circulate. Now, if you accidentally injected a bubble, we'll see you get air flow, but poor blood flow. Jeff: I'm careful man Foreman: With all due respect, man, I doubt there's anything wrong with you that you didn't do to yourself [Cut to Cameron and Chase sitting together behind the glass] Cameron: There's this kid in oncology, she's got a picture of Jeff above her bed. Chase: Ricky Mantle was an alcoholic Cameron: At least he had his own home runs. He didn't physically alter himself. [Foreman joins them] Chase: We take drugs to help us fall asleep, stay awake-- Cameron: We don't make careers out of who can stay awake the longest! Chase: Really? Ever been to oh, I don't know, med school? Foreman: Er, guys? He plays a game for a living. Who cares? [Looks at Cameron] And you, you don't even like sports! Cameron: He's making millions of dollars ripping off fans Foreman: Anyone who thinks they should pay a guy money because he can throw a ball really fa0,r or pedal really fast deserves to be ripped off Cameron: Yeah, stupid stupid kids Foreman: I've got an uncle, he can spit a cherry pit 50 yards. He's working part time at a lube shop! Life isn't fair! [The results of the test arrive on the screen in front of them, positive] Cameron: Maybe it is. (Cut to Chase following after House in the corridors) Chase: You were right. House: Now there were 3 wasted words. Chase: There is a bubble in his lung. We should do a Swan-Ganz catheterisation. House: I love when you do both sides of the conversation. Its like white noise, it's very peaceful. [He opens the door into the cafeteria and leaves Chase behind. He walks along the queue to Wilson who is just paying for his lunch. House snatches a packet of Lays crisps off Wilson's tray] Wilson: Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food? [They walk to a table and sit down] House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every 2 weeks. Wilson: How's your biker? House: Pumped an air bubble into a vein in his lung. Wilson: The things people do. Doping, Vicodin... [Pointed look] House: Hey! You're talking about me aren't you? [Wilson gives a smile] House: I'm just trying to function. He's trying to win himself some little yellow jerseys. [The cafeteria door opens to admit Stacy wheeling Mark in on a wheelchair] Uh oh. Wilson: What? House: [rubs his forehead] Trouble in paradise, 2 o' clock Wilson: Your 2 o' clock or my 2 o' clock? House: [points] there. [Wilson turns his head around to look] Wilson: She looks perfectly happy. Obviously they huddled in the hall and worked up this circus act on the off-chance you'd be in here House: She was unbelievable pissy 3 hours ago Wilson: Hmm! Pissy with you, happy with her husband. Yes there could only be one possible explanation House: When she's angry, she gets sarcastic. When she's annoyed, she's funny, but when she's frustrated, she gets pissy Wilson: Yes, yes, I'm with you so far House: She's miserable with Mark because he's not me. So she's gotta make me not me, so she makes my professional life miserable, if I can't do my job-- Wilson: You really, really, need to get some-- House: Oh I get some "some" all the time, I always need to borrow "some" money [Stacy wheels Mark pass the boys] Stacy: Hi James, Greg. Gotten to that paperwork? House: I've been pissy. Stacy: Pardon me? House: I've been busy. [Picks up Mark's fork and deliberately eats some of Mark's food off his plate] When you save someone's life, they owe you forever. Mark: You're right. Take Stacy. Oh wait, she'd probably just leave you all over again. [Stacy and Wilson share a look] House: How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet? Mark: It's not the size of the muscle, it's where you get to put it. Stacy: My goodness, it's like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade. Excuse us [wheels Mark away to another table, but not before House and Mark give each other fake smiles] House: [turns back to Wilson] How awkward was that? [Wilson gives him an annoyed but knowing look] What's he doing here anyway? He's got physio Tuesdays and Fridays. Wilson: Er, Mark is in group therapy for people coping with disability. He was thinking about developing a drug addiction but that would be stupid. House: Hey! Your [stutters a little in exaggerated excitement] you again! Wilson: Not going to make some joke about Mark being in therapy? House: What's there to say? It's only the responsible thing. I'm sure he's got a lot to deal with Wilson: [looking rather thoughtful and suspicious] You're making me nervous (Cut to Chase doing the Swan-Ganz catheterisation) Manager: [on the phone] Everytime an athlete goes down you guys assume its drugs. Look, the doctors say its probably acid reflux. [Jeff and Chase share a look at her lie] Yeah, look, call me tomorrow, there's a good chance he'll be released. Okay, bye bye [to Chase] so is this fixing him? Chase: If his acid reflux isn't worse than we thought, yeah Jeff: I got to be in Spain in 4 days Chase: Shouldn't be a problem Manager: Great Chase: If I can just find the little bugger, should be able to suck it out Jeff: My legs feel weak Chase: You're under mild sedation for the test, it'll wear off [there's a blip on the screen] there it is [CGI as Chase sucks out the air bubble and blood starts to circulate again] Chase: Ah, got it. Manager: Ooh, fantastic! I'll pack his things. Chase: Not yet, I want to monitor him for a couple of hours, make sure he's ok. Give him time to sign a picture for me, maybe even a jersey? Jeff: To Dr Chase, I owe you everything? Chase: Er, it doesn't have to be that personal. Jeff: Ah, not too many Ebay shoppers named Dr Chase huh? Chase: Still trying to unload the Barbara Walter spit cup. Manager: Here you go [hands Jeff a picture of Jeff winning a race and a pen. Jeff pauses as he starts to write on it] Chase: Seriously, anything's fine. [Jeff doesn't move, he starts to drool] Manager: Jeff? Chase: You all right? Jeff! Can you swallow? (Cut to conference room) House: What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts? Chase: Muscle fatigue in his neck and jaw. He's obviously got something worse than an air embolis. House: Why? Chase: Because... you don't drool from your lungs? [House seats himself in between Foreman and Cameron] House: Maybe the problem is not the embolis itself. Maybe it's the treatment. Maybe you ht a nerve, literally. Chase: The embolectomy was clean. His legs were tired too. I thought it was from the sedation but if not, means he's got something systemic/ Cameron: Which means it would have nothing to do with the stunts he's been pulling Chase: Lupus, or polymiocytis. It explains the progressive muscle weakness Cameron: It could be ALS Foreman: He's too young for that Cameron: Some type of muscular dystrophy? Foreman: He's too old for that House: So what would be just right, Goldilocks? Full blood workup, including ANA for lupus. And get a muscle biopsy; find out if we're talking myopathy or neuropathy. I'm late for my session [gets up and walks out] Cameron: Session? (Cut to group therapy session) Dr Harper: [talking to the group] It's all a part of the process. You get angry, and then you get-- Mark: [interrupting] Yeah, right on schedule. So, when am I going to be done? I need to know 'cause I got plans to make. When can I safely book a game of squash? When am I going to stop being angry? [House walks in] House: Not today. I've come for the healing. Dr Harper, as you know, I err, I have a bum leg. What you don't know is, I'm upset about it. I need to talk. Mark: You know House! You know we have a history! House: You've been telling me for years that I should come by. Here I am. [to the group] Hi guys Dr Harper: Got a Thursday group. House: Poker night. Dr Harper: Monday morning? House: Book club. Well look, if it's a problem, I'll just go deal with my rage privately. Dr Harper: Wait. If you two could resolve this tension, you could really help each other. House: [nods thoughtfully] I'm tired of fighting. Mark: [laughs] What? So either I say yes or I'm the jerk? House: Oh god, I know that feeling. (Cut to Ducklings performing tests) Cameron: I took the muscle specimen from Jeff's thigh. Figured that's where we'd have the best chance of finding something. Chase: The most painful place to cut into. [Cameron drinks from a mug and shrugs] Chase: I assume that's caffeine-free. Wouldn't want to be artificially boosting your performance. Foreman: Oh, don't start her up again. Cameron: Caffeine's legal. Chase: All about the rules, eh? Cameron: It's a bike race. A completely arbitrary set of rules that everyone complies with, for no other reason than that some committee says that they should. Chase: Huh. Cameron: But that's the point. That's what the game is/ Foreman: So if you break an arbitrary rule, Cameron damns you to hell, but if you break a rule that actually has a reason that's designed to protect people, Cameron develops a crazy crush on you. Cameron: House doesn't pretend to be some golden boy, he does it to help people, not to glorify himself. Foreman: So why don't you report Jeff to the biking authorities? Cameron: Umm, ethics. Foreman: Well you wouldn't be doing it to glorify yourself, you'd just be trying to make a better world. [Foreman and Chase snicker] (Cut to the group therapy session) Mark: At least you can still get around on your own. House: Yeah I know, but you're starting to walk. You're going to get better. Mark: You have a job, a way to be productive. House: You have a wife, which gives greater meaning. Wife could make things harder too I suppose. Mark: This isn't about Stacy. House: When it happened to me, Stacy was great. She kept telling me not to rush it. I never believed her. Mark: She means it. House: I know, but... Stacy... she didn't have to wait, right? And you know she feels it too. Needs more time at work, needs more satisfaction from work. She didn't get married to be a nursemaid. She wants a man. Mark: [laughs softly as he finally realises what House is up to] How the hell could she have loved a manipulative son of a bitch like you? House: That's an interesting question. Maybe she was attracted to different things in the two of us. Mark: She left you. House: But why was she with me to begin with? Mark: She made a mistake! House: Maybe it's that simple. Or maybe she saw something in me, something that she doesn't get from you. Mark: I'm not an ass! House: Maybe she wanted an ass. She obviously did once. Mark: Either he goes, or I go! House: You think that's the kind of thing you can just turn off? Mark: Get him out of here! Dr Harper: Dr House, cancel your book group. You're coming on Mondays. (Cut to House walking back into the conference room) House: Here's my new theory. The drooling is another competitive edge. Nobody can drive behind him, the world gets slick, he's the only one not racing in the rain! Foreman: He can barely move his arms or legs. House: [sighs] Paralysis? Foreman: No, just general weakness. Cameron: Muscle biopsy is negative for poliomyelitis. Chase: And ALS. And muscular dystrophy. Foreman: ANA for lupus also negative. [House begins to walk away into his office] Cameron: Maybe his bike shorts are just on too tight. Chase: So, by your rational, House shouldn't use a cane, he should just drag his bum leg around as God intended? Cameron: House has a handicap; all he's aiming for is normality. Chase: And who decides what's normal? What if we find a drug that makes people live 20 years longer? Should we ban that because it's not normal? Cameron: Jeff doesn't want normal, he wants superpowers. [House pauses just before the door of his office, thoughtfully considering the conversation the Ducklings are having] House: So why is he normal? Foreman: Oh god, you too? House: He's sh*ting for extraordinary, so why is everything so ordinary? I mean this guy's breathing, drinking and injecting himself with everything he can find to emp up his body chemistry, and yet every test is normal. He's artificially raising his red blood count, so why isn't it raised? Chase: Maybe his count is raised; maybe what's normal for us is out of whack for him. House: Can't slip anything by you. Foreman: Well if that's true, then his white cells are up too, which would point to some kind of infection. Chase: Muscle weakness, exhaustion? He could have encephalitis. Cameron: That's kind of a long sht. House: Yeah, but its been over an hour since we poked the patient with something sharp so, get a lumbar puncture. And order broad spectrum antibiotics. (Cut to Cuddy on the phone in her office. Computer screen shows a site called docmixer.com. It's a dating site for doctors!) Cuddy: No, it's not about judging, it's just that on a dating service, you should post a photo. [Manager walks in to the office] Cuddy: I have to go. [Puts down the phone] Manager: I am so sorry to bother you. Cuddy: No no, not a problem I was just... err... accounting. Manager: I'm Jeff Forster manager. He's been here a whole day, and it doesn't seem like we're any closer to a diagnosis. Cuddy: [checks the computer] Jeff Forster... a whole day, huh? Manager: Uh huh, I was just wondering if I could help speed things up. Cuddy: Your client's had a muscle biopsy, a full blood work-up, and he's scheduled for a lumbar puncture at 10am tomorrow. Manager: Jeff is in the Lucas wing. If Mr Lucas showed up needing a lumbar puncture, would he have to wait until tomorrow? Cuddy: Mr Lucas is dad. Manager: Good, then there's an opening. Cuddy: Jeff is used to doing whatever he has to do to be first doesn't he? Manager: [sits down opposite Cuddy and takes a chequebook out of her briefcase] It's been very lucrative for him. He feels it's important that he give something back [signs a cheque for $50,000] I hear you've been raising funds for your nuclear medicine department [Hands cheque over to Cuddy] or whatever. [Cuddy stares wide-eyed at the cheque] (Cut to the hospital at night) [Foreman and Cameron are doing a lumbar puncture on Jeff] Jeff: Thank you guys for working so late. [Still wheezing] Foreman: Glad to be here. The lumbar puncture will tell us what kind of infection you've got. In the meantime, we're administering antibiotics. [Jeff gives a thumbs up to acknowledge what Foreman said] Cameron: Do you like being a hero? Jeff: It's a living. Cameron: You don't feel a sense of responsibility? There's kids out there that worship you. Jeff: When I was a rookie, on the tour, I got a letter from a guy in Wisconsin. He wanted me to send a note to his son, said he worshipped me. You know what worship means? I looked it up. It means to love, unquestioningly, and uncritically. So the kid doesn't even know me, but he loves me. Unquestioningly, and uncritically. Cameron: So you decided to take advantage of that? Jeff: What should I have done? Dear Sir, I'm just a guy who rides a bike pretty good, you and your kid are out of your minds? My arm feels...feels funny... [alarm starts going off] Foreman: His sats are dropping, he's in respiratory arrest. Cameron: Can't be, we fixed that! Foreman: Apparently not [they proceed to intubate Jeff] (Cut to Duckling and House in House's office) House: So glad we cured his respiratory arrest, freed him up to develop respiratory arrest. Foreman: LP was negative for encephalitis. Cameron: The white count is still the same, but the red count's fallen to 29 percent. House: What was my theory yesterday? Chase: That I screwed up the embolectomy. Foreman: We'll get a chest X-ray to check. Chase: I didn't screw up-- House: Why would you be so petty, Chase? He's down a court. Either he's losing blood because you nicked something, or he's just not producing blood in which case we're talking acute anaemia combined with a muscular disorder. Foreman: Paraneoplastic syndrome? House: Either you screwed up, or he's got cancer. (Cut to House walking into an exam room in the clinic. Patient sits there patiently chewing his gum) Patient: I think I should start smoking again. House: You want a medical opinion supporting that decision? Patient: The symptoms started as soon as I quit. House: Symptoms meaning [flips open the chart] diarrhoea. A lot of diarrhoea. Patient: Ten or twelve times a day, it's really embarrassing. I'm a flight attendant, and... [Stacy barges in and hits House across his arm] House: Well, if you're upset, my hiccups are gone. Stacy: You went to his group. House: Well you were the one who was all 'Greg, you need to confront your feelings'. Stacy: [hits House across the arm again] that was 5 years ago. House: I've been pissy. Stacy: Fine, you don't want help; does that mean nobody should get it? House: Mark's looking for help because... what? He's resentful? Overwhelmed? I'm asking because I care. Stacy: Not about him, you still want to jump me so you don't care who's married-- House: Look, I could get my rocks off anytime I want. What I don't seem to be able to do is my job without you hanging over my shoulder. [Stacy gives a frustrated sigh and walks out] House: How many packs? [Turns back to the patient] Patient: A bit over one a day but they were lights and I quit. [Pause] You used to go out with her? House: Yeah. What was I thinking? I'm talking about the gum you're chewing; you ever play smoking as an oral fixation. How many packs? Patient: Six, maybe seven. [Stacy barges back in] Stacy: I'm trying to protect you. Cuddy and I may be the only people stopping you from jumping off a cliff just to prove that you-- House: You're pissy. Stacy: Oh I am angry! House: Pissy. You only get pissy when you're frustrated. Stacy: Shut up! House: Ok, I'm wrong. Stacy: This is unbelievably difficult for Mark, which you should know, which you should be able to summon up some level of empathy for. House: Right. The cripple boys. We should start a band. Stacy: I have a good thing with Mark, we are handling this the best way we know how. House: And none of this has anything to do with me? Stacy: No, nothing! Except that you can't, or won't just let it go! Let it go. [Walks back out slamming the door] House: You're being poisoned. Patient: By gum? House: Sugarless gum uses xylitol as a sweetener. We use xylitol as a laxative. [patient spits out the gum, while House peeks out into the clinic through the blinds] (Cut to Wilson with rolled-up sleeves doing a test on Jeff) Manager: This will tell you if he's got cancer in his blood? Wilson: If he does, we'll see abnormal cells in the marrow. Manager: How long will the test take? Wilson: I'll get them in as soon as I can. Manager: And if he doesn't have cancer, what else could it be? Wilson: It's possible some damage was done during one of the tests we gave him. Manager: So either one of your doctors screwed up a simple procedure, or he's got cancer. Wilson: We can't know anything for sure until the biopsy comes back. [Jeff gestures at the Manager] Wilson: It stings, I know. Manager: No, he wants the tube out. Wilson: Can't do that, Jeff. If you want to say something you've got to write it down, okay? Manager: [fetches pen and paper] Here. [Jeff writes "Did I do this to myself?"] Wilson: If it's cancer, it's possible. There's no way to know for sure. (Cut to Wilson walking into conference room where Cameron is sitting behind her desk) Wilson: Phone not working? One of the morgue attendants asked me to bring this to you [hands her a slip of paper] Cameron: Wonder why they're calling me. Wilson: Yeah, me too actually. I was wondering why the Times was returning your call. You a doctor, or the bicycle police? Cameron: He's cheating. Shouldn't get away with it. Wilson: [sighs] Have you actually told them anything yet? Cameron: You worried about the precedent? Wilson: I'm worried about you. Cameron: You going to turn me in? Wilson: [looks down] No. He's made a mistake, revealing the truth doesn't undo it. Cameron: Kids love him and he's not who they think he is. It's not right. Wilson: Who cares if he's what he says he is? Who the hell is? If love's based on lies, does that mean it's not a real feeling? Doesn't bring the same pleasure? Cameron: Are we still talking about the patient? Wilson: Have you... ever cheated? Well, I have. You want to punish him, good for you; but you can't do it without punishing the people who love him. Cameron: Is that how you justified lying to your wives? Wilson: I always told them. (Cut to House and Ducklings examining Jeff's chest x-ray) Foreman: Well, he's negative for bleeds. House: Congratulations, Chase. It's cancer. Clean him up and let Oncology have him, it's their party now. Wilson: [walking in] He doesn't have cancer. Biopsy shows he's got Pure Red Cell Aphasia. Chase: There's no way PRCA could manifest so suddenly. Cameron: Unless it's drug-induced. He's lying about not being on EPO? House: Why would he lie? Cameron: What does it matter? House: People lie for thousands of reasons, but there's always a reason. Foreman: Philosophically interesting, medically irrelevant. House: Unless he's not lying. [Stacy and Cuddy walk in] Cuddy: You've got a leak. The Press is all over the Jeff Forster story. Stacy: On the off-chance that one of you were stupid enough to call from your own office, I'm pulling your phone records, including your cell phones. Foreman: I assume if I point out the fact that you have no right to do that, you'll interpret that as a sign of guilt? House: Wilson's chatty. Plus he's got two ex-wives to support. You want me to tell him he's fired? Stacy: Until we figure out who's behind this, I'm sitting in with you guys. You have the ethics of a four-year-old; I'm going to treat you like one. House: How am I supposed to practice medicine with a lawyer sitting on my shoulder? Cuddy: Responsibly. House: You know I can't do that! Wilson: Cameron. Cameron: I'm not the leak. Stacy: Somebody once told me that everybody lies. Since you're the only people who know he has cancer-- House: He doesn't have cancer. Cuddy: The point is, you're his medical team. He's thrat to sue. House: Why would Cameron leak cancer? How does cancer make the guy look bad? [Lengthy pause] He's on EPO. [Rushes out] (Cut to House walking into Jeff's room) House: Your anaemia is caused by Pure Red Call Aphasia. This is going to hurt, but we got to talk. [He starts pulling the duct tape off Jeff's mouth and pulls the tube that they use to intubate him out of his throat] Manager: What the hell are you doing?! House: He'll be fine. Sort of. I don't have time to watch him write out answers [he pulls out an oxygen mask and puts if over Jeff's nose and mouth] PRCA comes in two varieties, chronic and acute. Since it came on fast, you have the acute version. Manager: He doesn't have cancer? House: That's the good news. Bad news is, pants are on fre. Acute PRCA is caused by drugs, most commonly, EPO. Ready, and...action! [he pulls the gas mask off] Jeff: I haven't used EPO. House: [puts the gas mask back on] Ok, this time, more anger! Remember, this guy's accusing you of cheating. [Takes the gas mask off again] Jeff: I haven't used that stuff. House: Oh [kisses his fingertips] mwah, I believed it. It was simple, it was pure. Did you believe it? [Takes the gas mask off] I guess it's silly to cancel someone over the first audition. Why don't you do a reading? Manager: [Snatches the mask out of House's hands and gives it back to Jeff] Give me that! He doesn't do EPO! House: Hmm...what do you think? That was a different way to go but, I don't know, I just didn't buy it. Does she handle any of your injections? Manager: You think I'm giving it to him? Test him! House: Gee, that's a great idea. I sure hope that EPO's not one of those drugs that's undetectable after six hours. Hey you know what we can test for? Phone calls. Take her cell phone, push the redial button, even money says it'll be connected to the newspaper that leaked your cancer story [Manager glares at him] Okay... [He reaches over to grab the phone at the foot of the bed but she grabs it first] Manager: Okay, I should have told you. It's not just about the races, Jeff, it's about your image, okay? If you come back from cancer, those sponsors will be all over you. Okay so I messed up, okay, but I did NOT give you EPO! Jeff: That stuff could kll me. House: [scoffs at them by mimicking Jeff] Come on, give her a break. She's only doing what she has to to advance her career. Don't you have that tattooed on your tushie? Manager: I would never do anything to hurt you. House: Who're you going to believe? Manager you've trusted for years? [Snorts] I've been to college Jeff: [takes off the mask] You're fired. Manager: Okay. [Takes her stuff and looks back at House] You're basing this diagnosis, everything on the idea that I was slipping him illegal drugs? You're going to kll him. (Cut to Jeff's room later that day. Jeff is sleeping, Foreman is sitting on a couch a few feet away reading Forbes) Jeff: If Dr House is so sure, why do you need to stay? Foreman: He's a very cautious man. Your breathing's better, let the prednisone do its job, get some sleep. [Jeff goes to sleep but starts wheezing a few seconds later, alarms start beeping] (Cut to conference room the next morning) Foreman: His red blood cell count plummeted to 16 percent. He passed out, had to be rescusitated and still can't move his legs. Cameron: It's not possible. The drugs should be flushing out of his system. House: Can't leave if they don't exist. Cameron: But EPO use explains every one of his symptoms. He's been lying and cheating, and now it's coming back to bite him. House: The only problem with that theory is it's based on the assumption that the universe is a just place. If it were, then his poor manager wouldn't have been fired for no reason. Chase: Lambert-Eaton. Cameron: His chest was clear. Chase: So we run an electromyography test. Cameron: You're still not explaining the PRCA. [House walks over to Cameron who automatically inserts a stirring stick into House's newly-made cup of coffee] House: What's his red count now? Foreman: Had to give him a blood transfusion, he's back around 30. House: He needed a transfusion? Foreman: Well he was losing blood, so I thought maybe he needed blood. House: [makes a dramatic gesture with the stirring stick] Go forth and scan his neck. Chase: His neck? House: Or repeat everything I say in question form. (Cut to balcony where Wilson is standing and eating. House walks out to join him with his coffee) House: She came into the clinic and yelled at me. Then she left. Then she came back and yelled some more. Wilson: Hmm. Yelling. That might be a clue. House: I know what the yelling means, it's the coming and going I find interesting. It's not rational. Wilson: Anger's not rational? House: Some anger is. She could have pulled me aside, screamed at me privately. Her beef is simple and well-founded. She was out of control. Wilson: You're having fun aren't you? House: She's in my face, I need to know why. Wilson: Professional reasons. House: Oh, why else? Wilson: Do you really think this is going to end well, for anyone? (Cut to Ducklings scanning Jeff) Cameron: After this we'll scan some totally random body parts. Chase: Fifty bucks says we find something. Foreman: [laughs] Find what? Chase: Don't have a clue. We on? Foreman: No way. [Chase looks over and Cameron and tries to see if she's up to it] Cameron: No. We'll find something. (Ducklings troop into House's office together) Chase: We found a thymoma. Foreman: How'd you know to look in his neck? Thymoma's usually present in the chest House: I knew it wasn't in his chest. All we've done since he checked in is look at his chest. Foreman: All the more reason not to think-- House: There are two types of PRCA. Acute comes on suddenly, chronic takes its time. We all thought Jeff's was acute because it happened right in front of us. What if it had been there for months? Maybe years? Cameron: There's no way, it would have kept him from racing. With that kind of anaemia, he would have needed constant... Chase: Blood transfusions. [Realisation!] House: Which he was getting in convenient blood-doping form. Foreman: He was treating himself without even knowing it. House: Up to half of patients with chronic PRCA have a thymoma. And up to half of patients with a thymoma, have always wanted to do this. [takes out a syringe] [Elevator door closes on House] (House walks into Jeff's room) Jeff: I'm not getting any better. Does that mean I'm-- [House takes out his syringe and pokes Jeff right in the thigh and injects something into his thigh before pulling it back out] Jeff: Ow. House: You are healed! Rise and walk. Jeff: Are you insane? House: In the Bible, you just say "Yes Lord" and then, start right in on the praising. Jeff: First you tell me I've got cancer, and then you tell me that my manager-- [starts making a hand gesture then realises he can actually move his hand] What did you do? House: No, what did you Lord. Thymoma is a tumour in the thymus gland. It's a bit of a wimp, but he hangs with the tough guys. PRCA and an auto-immune disease called myasthenia gravis. MG causes muscle fatigue, including respiratory problems and difficulty swallowing. Jeff: It can ht you that fast? House: Treatment for PRCA is blood transfusions, treatment for MG is hypobaria. You were doing both as part of your regular freak show. When you took a break everything went to hell...which is not an uncommon reaction in Jersey. Jeff: So... the whole thing with my manager..? House: [raises his hand to his lips] Ooops. No, no EPO. This has nothing to do with anything you did. You can let her know she's in the clear. Jeff: I could. Or, 10 percent of a Nike contract is a hell of a lot of cash. House: [makes a snarky face when Jeff isn't looking] You don't need your thymus. Take it out, everything else is manageable. Jeff: Manageable. I thought you just cured me. House: Nuh uh, this is just diagnostic. This just erases the symptoms of MG for five or six minutes [Jeff suddenly starts wheezing again and suddenly drops like a ton of bricks on to the floor. House stands there without raising a hair] Sometimes less. This is exactly why I created nurses. [Calls out from the room] Clean up on aisle three! (Cut to House entering Stacy's office) Stacy: You've come to search my office; you should wait ten minutes I'll be out of your hair. Here, start with my purse (throws it across to House) just save me some mints. What do you want to know? My sex life with Mark? My guilt over crippling your damn leg? Or are you just here to gloat because you weren't the leak? House: I want to apologise [he solemnly sits down] Maybe I've been punishing you for a little too long. And maybe you've been punishing me. If we're going to work together, I need to know - do you hate me? Or do you love me? Either way, I think we've got a problem. Stacy: I hate you. And I love you. And I love Mark. House: You don't hate him? Stacy: No. House: So what do we do? Stacy: We deal with each other. House: Right. That plan's been working great so far. Stacy: It'll get better, it'll get easier. House: Why? Stacy: I don't know, it's what my therapist tells me. [House walks out of the room giving a briefly smug little smile once he's closed the door] (Cut to Wilson walking into House's office where Cameron is watching the TV alone. Jeff is on it talking to the news crew) Jeff: In the professional cycling world we are subject to what seems like a constant witch-hunts. But I want to thank Dr House and the excellent medical team here at Princeton Plainsboro. My hope is that this diagnosis will put to rest any rumours that I would ever-- [Cameron turns off the TV] Cameron: He needs blood transfusions every two weeks, which means he can dope all he wants. He's got a doctor's pass. It's medicinal. He got away with it. Wilson: Mmmhmm, he cheated and won a game. Life's more complicated than who gets to the finish line first. Cameron: I fell in love with my husband's best friend. Near the end I was at the hospital every day, and Joe would come by after work. We'd go for walks and try to talk each other through it. We kind of clung on to each other. Wilson: My wife wasn't dying, she wasn't even sick. Everything was fine. I met someone who... made me feel... funny. Good. And I didn't want to let that feeling go. [long silent pause] What happened to you, how can anyone go through that alone? You can't control your emotions. Cameron: No. Just your actions. Wilson: You didn't do it, did you? You didn't sleep with him. Cameron: I couldn't have lived with myself. Wilson: [smiling] You'd be surprised what you can live with. [walks out of the office] (Late at night at the hospital, a guy is mopping the floor. House limps up to him without his cane) House: Hey, I need you to open that door. Mopping guy: Not allowed. House: Yeah er... I was having therapy in here today, and er, I left my cane. Mopping guy: Sorry. House: Dude! I'm crippled. [Mopping guy opens the door for House] (Scene cuts to Cameron lying on her bed looking at her wedding photos, camera zooms in on the face of the best friend she fell in love with. She smiles.) (Cut to Wilson lying on the couch in his office reading a book "Baseball Abstract") [Cut to House lifting a filing cabinet up to unlock it then finding Stacy's file. He examines the file under the lamp light]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x06 - Spin"}	foreverdreaming
[Morning, Wilson and House are talking at House's apartment/home.] Wilson: My offer's withdrawn; you can walk to work. House: Got it, you're morally outraged. Now can we get through this part? 'Cause the next part's awesome. [He takes a bite of toast.] Wilson: How do you rationalize something like this? You broke into Stacy's therapist's office-- House: Borrowed a key Wilson: --and stole her treatment notes! House: Nope! I made copies. Mark is, and I quote [Wilson groans.] "Withdrawn, passive-aggressive, won't communicate, like he resents me because I can walk." Wilson: I don't want to hear this. House: Dishes in the sink, toilet seat up. Meanwhile, she can't stop thinking about [Walks up to Wilson and shows him the notes.] I can't read that, is she obsessed with a Grey Horse? Or me? [Wilson takes a look at the notes reluctantly.] Wilson: It says she thinks you're an annoying jerk. [Throws the notes on to a table.] House: It's a pet name. [Picks the notes back up.] Here's the kicker. [Shows the notes to Wilson again; Wilson reads it again with interest this time.] Wilson: They're not having sex? [House and Wilson share a look.] [Cut to House and Wilson walking out the door.] House: Doctor cleared him, but no liftoff. She's frustrated so she's doc-blocking me. Paperwork, seminars, meddling with my patients Wilson: Great, now you've got the proof you need. Just take those personal psych records to Cuddy, that'll show her Stacy's out of control. [House turns away, looking for something.] You ignoring me? House: While looking for my newspaper, efficient huh? Kalvin: Over here! [Camera pans to a young man leaning against the back of Wilson's car reading House's newspaper.] House: [Sighs.] Dr Wilson, I want you to meet my stalker Kalvin: Your waiting room sucks. House: I am not treating you. Kalvin: What, because you're a closet-case? [He gives House and Wilson a pointed look.] Wilson: Err... we're not... err... together. House: [Turns around to give Wilson a look.] He is so self-loathing. [Grabs the newspaper from Kalvin.] Well, we've got to go now, so maybe see you after work-- Kalvin: No, no, no! Ah... [Pushes his file into House's hands.] nobody can figure out what's wrong with me. House: [Doesn't bother to look at the file.] Well your shirt is gaping at the collar, means you lost weight, you're flushed, that's fever, and you're short of breath. And finally there's the KS lesion on your face; means you're HIV positive, you've progressed to full-blown AIDS. So you're sick because your immune system is sht and someone sneezed on you. [Shoves file back to Kalvin.] Can I be excused now? Kalvin: Brilliant, but, [Grabs the end of House's cane.] my immune system is fine. House: Your concentration camp physique begs to differ. Get your T-cell count re-checked. Kalvin: I've already done that. [House and Kalvin start pulling at both ends of the cane trying to stop each other.] Wilson: They test for T-cell lymphoma? Kalvin: It was negative. House: All of this will be fascinating to an HIV specialist. Now let go of my cane before it becomes your new boyfriend. Kalvin: Honey, I will marry it if you would look at my file. House: Congress says you can't, so... [They continue pulling at the cane until House suddenly lets go. Kalvin falls back against Wilson's car, tripping the alarm. He looks like he's in shock and can't breathe as he starts falling to the sidewalk. Wilson rushes up to Kalvin and checks his pupil.] House: I didn't touch him. [He's intrigued.] Wilson: He's going into anaphylactic shock. (Cuddy's office) Cuddy: Go see Stacy. House: We gave him epi, he's fine. Cuddy: You need a lawyer, go see Stacy. You ht a patient. House: Four words, two mistakes. He's not a patient, and I didn't ht him. Cuddy: Of course you didn't, go see Stacy. House: I didn't cause the anaphylaxis. It's probably one of his HIV meds abacavir. Cuddy: I'll pass that along; make sure the ER takes him off it. Go see Stacy. (Cut to Stacy's kitchen) Stacy: You have to treat him. House: Medically, this case is a snooze-fest. AIDS plus infection. Stacy: You don't treat him he charges you with asault. House: Just 'cause he says I ht him doesn't make it true. Watch, [Looks up at the ceiling.] I am surrounded by naked cheerleaders [Nothing happens.] See? [Stacy hands him a mug of coffee.] Although I like my chances of some action this morning. Stacy: I forgot Wednesday was hooker day. This could've waited! House: You make me meet you at your house. Your husband is conveniently absent. Stacy: Mark's at physio, I'm stuck waiting for the exterminator. [House gives a questioning look.] I saw a rat last night. House: Well, I'm surprised your feet are touching the floor. Stacy: I barely slept. House: [Takes off his jacket.] What was Mark up to? Memory serves, quick climb up Mt. Gregory, and you dozed through a seal hunt. Clubbing, shrieking. [Walks to the sink and starts washing the dishes.] Stacy: What're you doing? House: Sorry, it's driving me nuts. Stacy: You hate washing dishes. House: People change. I could make sure you'd sleep like a baby tonight. Stacy: Rather take care of that myself. [Walks up to the sink to help House.] House: I was referring to the rat. Stacy: Trenton Pests is sending a guy. [Suddenly in the middle of the domestic bliss--] Mark: What's going on? [House drops everything and turns around looking rather guilty.] House: It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually we're having sex. Stacy: We're working. Mark: Wow, wish I'd become a doctor. Place would be spotless. [Smirks and wheelchairs himself away.] Stacy: Take ten minutes, cure the guy, and stop whining. [Walks after Mark.] (Cut to House walking into the conference room) House: I give you Kalvin Ryan; so flamboyant in person, so boring on paper. Obviously got an opportunistic infection, probably TB or PCP. Foreman: Have you read his file? House: I started, but I found the characters two-dimensional. Foreman: He went to a HIV clinic last week. Tested negative for TB, PCP, MAC, CMV, HSV. It's not an infection. [The ducklings follow House into his office.] House: HIV clinic. So few patients, so much money; [Sorts his mail.] re-do the tests. Cameron: The results make sense. Kalvin's T-cells are at 200.That's strong enough to fight infection. House: Fine, parasite. Chase: Nope, stool sample was negative. Cameron: Two months ago, he was down to 30 T-cells, then he changed his meds, his immune system rebounds, his viral load drops, everything's getting better but he's getting sicker. Foreman: Face it; this might be an interesting case. House: What if his immune system is too strong? Cameron: An auto-immune disease? With HIV, that's impossible. House: His new HIV meds kicked his system out of a sound sleep. It wakes up hungry, cranky, spoiling for a fight. When it doesn't find an active infection, starts attacking the harmless remnants of old infections. Immune reconstitution syndrome. Foreman: His meds made him so much better, he made himself sick. Sounds pretty-- House: BORING! This is so not interesting. Chest X-ray and find the old infections, start him on steroids. [Ducklings walk out; House gives up on the mail and dumps all of it into the trash can.] (Cut to House and Wilson searching for meds in a room stocked to the shelves with them.) Wilson: If you're wrong, steroids will tnk his immune system. He'll get worse. House: Now THAT would be interesting. Where's the coumadin? Wilson: If your patient's got a blood problem then blood thinners aren't exactly-- House: It's for Stacy's rat; death by anti-coagulation. [He reaches for a bottle.] Wilson: Trying to win Stacy back by klling an animal... very caveman. House: I don't want her back. I just want her to admit her feelings for me. I go to Cuddy, Cuddy fires her or re-assigns her. Either way, I'm happy. Wilson: [Pinches the bridge of his nose.] If you want her back, either tell her, or, better yet, shut up, and cry yourself to sleep like everybody else. House: [Picks up the phone.] Hi, this is Mark Warner, 1724 Spring Street. Listen, you don't need to send that guy down, we caught him. No, you should send the bill to Princeton-Plainsboro hospital. Attn: Dr James Wilson, yeah. [Puts down the phone; Wilson nods thoughtfully and rather acceptingly but also seems to have been left speechless.] (Cut to Cameron and Chase with Kalvin) Cameron: [Hand under the blanket.] Your lymph nodes aren't swollen. That's good. Kalvin: Maybe Dr Chase should check. Chase: Sorry mate, [Injecting something into the IV bag] hands full. Kalvin: He's too pretty to be straight. You ever done any modeling? Chase: Does anyone actually fall for that line? Kalvin: Everyday. Why do you think I became a photographer? I'm guessing you guys didn't think about dating on career day. [Chase smiles at Cameron.] Cameron: I love my job. Kalvin: Really? You seem more the 'find it exceptionally satisfying' type. Cameron: I'm not sure there's a difference. Your mom died of diabetes. How's your dad's health? Kalvin: Last I heard he had cirrhosis. Love, is love, satisfying is 'social validation, fun can wait'. Cameron: I have fun. Chase: Yeah, she's got some scheduled for February. Last you heard? Your father? Kalvin: He threw me out when I was 16. It's just as well; I got tired of getting BB gn for my birthday when I'd asked for a Barbie. Chase: Dads can be real sweethearts. Kalvin: Mmm, sensitive, AND cute. Cameron: He's cute. (Cut to Stacy's attic) Stacy: It ran into that heating vent right there. House: Hopefully Mark's anger will go away eventually. Stacy: He's not angry, just doesn't like you. Nothing unique there. House: Didn't seem really wild about you, either. Stacy: He's fine with me. House: He's angry. Said so in group. Stacy: Of course he's angry; he's looking at months of painful physio. House: [Smells a ball of cheese he brought wrapped in foil.] He's mad at you. Stacy: There's no way he said that. House: [Sighs.] No, but it's true. He resents you for being able to walk. Been there. I resented you for hell of a long time. Stacy: Past tense? [They stare at each other. House's cell phone starts to ring. He doesn't pick it up. House and Stacy keep staring at each other.] Stacy: Might be the hospital. [She walks out.] House: [Picks up the cell phone.] What!? [Ducklings are sitting in House's office; the phone in the office is on speaker.] Foreman: Bad time? Where are you? House: At your girlfriend's place. Ignore the moaning and squeaking. Chase: His lungs are too scarred to tell which infection triggered the immune reconstitution. House: He a smoker? Cameron: Yes, and possibly more than cigarettes. His tox screen came back positive for recreational drugs. House: Not surprising. Not medically relevant. Foreman: His heart looks a little enlarged. House: That's a typical side-effect of AZT. What are Kalvin's most recent infections? Chase: Toxo, CMV and PCP. [House looks up to find the rat a few feet away from him, squeaking and handling a ball of cheese.] House: [Whispers into the phone.] Well let's assume it's one of those. Give him Ganciclovir for the CMV... Foreman: Whoa, we can hardly hear you. Where are you? House: In a closet. Your girlfriend's other boyfriend showed up. Ganciclovir for the CMV, Sulfadiazine for the Toxo, Bactrim for PCP. Gotta go. It's klling time. [Puts down the phone.] [He slowly reaches for his cane on the floor, and then slowly raises it ready to take out the rat when suddenly the rat turns his head in a very awkward-looking 90 degree twist. House's head slowly turns the same way, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Such a cute scene!] (Cut to the hospital) Cameron: Your tox screen came back positive for-- Kalvin: Crystal meth aaand ecstasy. Cameron: Recreational drugs are dangerous to begin with, but for someone with HIV... Kalvin: I didn't mistake them for vitamins. I'm a PNP boy. Party and Play. Drugs and sex. [Starts coughing.] You don't approve? Cameron: Does the sex include condoms? Kalvin: If he's negative, sure. If he's positive, [Shrugs.] why put on a raincoat if you're already wet? Cameron: You could get hepatitis or another strain of HIV. Kalvin: Or I could get ht by a bus. Cameron: AIDS isn't a death sentence anymore. Kalvin: I don't want to have any regrets. [Starts coughing again.] Cameron: How long have you been coughing? Kalvin: [Sighs.] About an hour or so. [Coughs.] Cameron: [Pours him some water.] Try to take a deep breath. [Kalvin checks the hand he's been using to cover his mouth] Cameron: What is it? Kalvin: I think its blood. [He starts coughing again and splatters blood on Cameron's face.] (Cut to Cameron with another strange doctor) Doctor: I recommend post-exposure prophylaxis. Your chances of conversion are slim, but I'd like to put you on three antiviral medications; finavir, zidovudine and lamivudine. There are side-effects - headache, nausea, vivid dreaming. You'll be tested for HIV in 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months... [His voice starts to fade away as the background music becomes louder.] (Cut to House's office) [House is bouncing a blue ball against a wall.] House: Very interesting. Foreman: He coughs infected blood in Cameron's eyes and mouth, that's interesting? House: The coughing part, not the in Cameron part. New symptom, blood vessel ruptured in his lung. Chase: I closed the tear. House: Well it takes immune reconstitution off the table. What's it put on the table? [Chase and Foreman are silent.] Its ok, she's not here. You can skip the nice guy acts. Foreman: You know some human beings are actually capable of human feelings. House: My giving a damn or not is not going to change what happened. Chase: Could be Kaposi's Syndrome. House: No edema, no blood in urine. Foreman: KS on his face could mean KS in his lungs, with bleeding from the lesions. Chase: I would have seen them when I repaired the tear in his lung. Wegener's granulomatosis? [Cameron walks in, she's in scrubs.] Cameron: Wegener's would have responded to the steroids. Chase: Maybe you should go home, take the rest of the day. [He puts a hand on her shoulder, she shrugs it off.] Cameron: I'm fine. [House looks at them speculatively.] House: Oh this is good, he's pretending to care, you're pretending not to. Cameron: I think we should reconsider drugs. Kalvin uses crystal meth. House: Concerned enough about his health to stalk me while indulging in deadly street drugs. [Takes a vicodin.] Study in contradictions. Interesting. Still not medically relevant. Cameron: It could be, if his drugs were tainted. They cook meth with battery acid, lye, lantern fuel... House: Find Kalvin's pills, test for toxins [Ducklings start to walk out.] Foreman, you're with me. [Foreman follows House out of the office.] House: I need a consult on another case. Foreman: You have another case? House: It's a hip-pocket deal. Patient presents with a distinct neck tilt. Foreman: Wry Neck. Is he an athlete? House: He's a regular runner. Foreman: Any pain associated with movement. House: None that he's complained of [They reach a vending machine, House gestures for Foreman to hand him some coins which Foreman does automatically.] Foreman: Best case scenario, an infection in the ear or lungs; worst case, brain stem tumor. Should do an MRI, CAT scan, full work-up. House: Uhh... I don't think so [Gets his drink from the vending machine.] No insurance. (Cut to Cameron and Chase searching Kalvin's hotel room) Cameron: [Closes a drawer next to his bed.] No drugs in here. I'll take the bathroom. Chase: How about a drink after work? Take your mind off what happened. [Silence.] Cameron? Cameron: I might have HIV, a drink's not going to wash it away. Chase: [Searching the wardrobe.] There's like zero chance of you contracting the virus. Cameron: Big difference between 'like zero' and 'zero'. Chase: What did the infection control guy tell you? Cameron: He was very reassuring, kept reminding me that the hospital covers all my medical costs. Apparently forgot to mention that if I do test positive, that they'll pass it on to legal and legal will dig up any dirt they can trying to prove that I'm a drug user or tramp, and that's why I have HIV. Chase: It's not like they're going to find anything, right? Cameron: Right. Chase: [Finds something.] Check this out. (Cut to Cameron and Chase walking after House as he's on his way to clinic) Chase: Kalvin's a photographer. The broken bulbs were props. Glass is from 1930's fluorescent. Cameron: Some of the bulbs have date stamps. Chase: Pre-World wr II fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, patient can't breathe. [House gives him a questioning look.] My father co-authored a paper on acute berylliosis. House: Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart. Cameron, get a biopsy of Calvin's lung tissue. Run a spectrographic analysis. Chase: I can handle it. House: No reason to risk exposing the entire team. Then who would I torment? [Cameron walks off.] (Cut to Cameron performing the biopsy) Kalvin: I'm sorry. About what happened. Cameron: It's best not to talk. You're going to feel a sharp pinch. This actually is going to grab a piece of your lung. [She inserts a metal instrument in; CGI shows it grabbing lung tissue.] Kalvin: What were you guys looking for at my hotel? Cameron: Your drugs. Thought maybe you'd used toxic meth. We'll know if you're exposed to beryllium in a few hours. Kalvin: Well if you're still curious, it's in my bag over there on the chair. Cameron: You brought drugs into the hospital?! Glad I wasted my time at your hotel. Kalvin: I told you I used; you didn't ask me for a sample. You're not pissed about this, you're mad because I coughed blood on you. Cameron: That was an accident. Kalvin: Oh, would you stop being nice! It's useless and worse, it's boring. Get angry! I had one stupid night, I end up with HIV, do you have any idea how pissed off I was? Cameron: This wasn't your fault. (Cut to Stacy's attic) Stacy: [Rushes in to find House sitting in the middle of her attic.] You broke into my house? House: Well I had to, Mark isn't here. Stacy: He has physio. House: Oh really? How's he doing? Stacy: What happened with all the cheese? House: I had to get rid of it before Steve McQueen ate any coumadin. I named your rat. [Stacy gives a look of disbelief.] Steve's tilting his head. Any neurologist will tell you that suggests an infection or brain stem tumor. Stacy: Death cures both those things. House: Well we can't kll him. If it's an infection, it could be caused by something in your house, something that could affect you guys [He scrapes something off the floor and goes to sit beside Stacy]. Smell this, [Stacy sniffs it.] does it smell like urine? Stacy: Oh! [She turns away in disgust.] House: [Sniffs it.] You missing any asparagus? Ok, stuff these. [He hands her a bottle of antibiotics.] He doesn't get better, then it's a tumor. Stacy: Then what? Chemo? House: Steve McQueen without hair? [Shakes his head.] It's a blessing he died young. [They both smile.] [Stacy's cell phone rings.] Stacy: Hello. Oh, hi honey. I'm sorry I missed you, yeah, I came home. Alright, I'll see you in a few minutes, okay, bye hon. [House quickly walks out of the attic and is gone by the time Stacy looks for him. He walks past the toilet and lifts the toilet seat up with his cane.] (Cut to the hospital) [Alarms are beeping.] Kalvin: Chest hurts! [Foreman and Cameron rush in with scrubs on.] Foreman: Heart rate's a hundred and climbing, could be an allergic reaction. Cameron: Neck veins are out; must be pericardial effusion. [Checks with her stethoscope] No wheezing. [Kalvin looks like he can hardly breathe.] Foreman: Tear in his lungs must have re-opened. Cameron: Kalvin, you're bleeding into the area around your heart. Kalvin: I'm dying? I can't breathe! Cameron: The blood's crushing your heart, once we remove it, you'll be fine. Kalvin: If I die, please... tell my dad-- Cameron: You're not going to die. Kalvin: --tell... him... sorry. [He slips into unconsciousness.] [Foreman takes a big syringe and starts trying to suck out the liquid around his heart but it's clear and not red.] Cameron: Where's the blood? It's clear. Foreman: Only one other thing could cause this; a tumor in his heart. (Cut to House, Wilson and Ducklings in the conference room.) Wilson: CT confirmed a mass in Kalvin's heart and several smaller ones in his lungs. Foreman: That's why his heart's enlarged, not the AZT. Wilson: [Looking at Cameron.] You ok? House: She's fine, probably getting bored with the question. Masses in the heart and lungs, what kind of cancer are we looking at? Cameron: They may not be cancerous. Wilson: This is classic Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma; HIV positive patient with a primary heart mass. Cameron: It could be sarcoidosis. Chase: His lung tissue is negative. Cameron: Lymphoma's a death sentence, sarcoidosis is treatable. House: So's an ear infection, but since he didn't test positive for that either... Cameron: I wanna do the Kveim-Siltzbach test. House: [Splutters.] Do you have any idea how much paperwork Cuddy is going to need signed? [Cameron doesn't budge; House seems to like that idea a lot.] Do it. [Everyone leaves. Cameron is still gathering her stuff.] House: So... how is the patient's father? Cameron: Uh... House: 'Tell my dad I'm sorry?' Might as well wave the red flag at a bull. Cameron: He's not coming. House: Well it's not a tragedy, dad doesn't want to see him, he doesn't want to see the dad. You're the only one who wants them together. Cameron: He asked! House: He thought he was dying. Dying people lie too. Wish they'd work less, they'd been nicer, they'd opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it; you don't save it for sound byte. Cameron: What did you say when you thought you were dying? House: [Pregnant pause.] On the other hand, [Cameron sighs, not getting an answer as usual.] his dad tossed him out. So what's our guy want to apologize for? Cameron: Everybody has regrets. (Cut to Cameron performing a test) Cameron: If the growths in your lungs and heart are sarcoid, your body will recognize this material and we'll see a reaction on your arm. [Injects something; probably prednisone.] Did you really want to see your dad? Kalvin: Did you call him? [Cameron shakes her head.] Thanks. He would have come, try to straighten me out. How are you holding up? Cameron: I'm fine. Kalvin: Convincing. What did you do with my drugs? Cameron: The lab disposes of them after analysis. Kalvin: Too bad. They could have done you some good. Cameron: Not really my thing. Kalvin: You know I hope you don't have it, but getting HIV might have been the best thing that ever happened to me. I used to be a good boy. Never wanted to piss anybody off... playing by the rules makes everybody else happy. Now I'm happy. [He and Cameron share a smile.] (Cut to Wilson in House's office at night) Wilson: So you just show up every time he's at physio? House: 'Course not! Also when he's at group therapy, or out for dinner with friends. Wilson: And when she happens to mention to Mark that you dropped by? House: You tell your wife everything? Wilson: It's a... process. [Sighs.] But Stacy doesn't have any reason to hide this from Mark. [Follows House out of the office.] As far as she knows, Mark's okay with you being there. House: My bet is she mentions me to Mark as little as possible, 'cause she thinks that he thinks that she still has feelings for me. And you know why she thinks that? Wilson: Because she still has feelings for you? [Deadpan voice.] House: If you're right, she did tell him, and I don't get through the door tonight. But if I'm right... [House gets into the elevator, the door closes.] (Cut to Stacy's attic at night. House and Stacy are lying next to each other looking very comfortable, waiting for Steve McQueen to walk into the mousetrap) Stacy: So how long do we stay here? House: 'Til something happens. Stacy: He's not going to come out with us right here. House: We are downwind, and he seems to have hearing loss. Stacy: He's not blind. House: Steve McQueen does not run from danger. Antibiotics on the other hand... [He picks a pill up from the floor.] Stacy: He ate around the pill? Smart! House: Admit it, you like him. Stacy: He's alright... for a rat. House: You wanna now how cool he is? His urine showed traces of hydrogen cyanide, formaldehyde, lead. He's a smoker. Your husband's been lighting up; which is particularly stupid, it could cause his AIP to... Stacy: Okay, I blow my smoke into the vents so Mark doesn't know. House: I always knew. Stacy: Bluffing! House: You started two weeks after my surgery. Menthols, then lights after a month. Stacy: Why didn't you say anything? House: 'Cause it helped me monitor your misery level. One trip outside was a good day, upwards of six you were in hell. Stacy: You could have asked me how I was! House: I already knew. Sorry you were miserable. Stacy: Sorry I caused you so much pain. [Long silent pause as they stare at each, when suddenly there's a clang. Camera pans in to see Steve trapped in a metal cage.] (Cut to Chase) [Chase knocking at a door of an apartment in a long hallway. There's music blasting from inside the room. The door opens to reveal Cameron with badly disheveled hair.] Chase: Glad you changed your mind about that drink. Cameron: Come on in. Chase: You should get changed, there's this new place on campus that looks... [Cameron pushes him up against the wall and kisses him. Chase looks very confused but kisses her back.] Are you high? Cameron: Uh huh. [She strips off Chase's jacket, he doesn't really fight her.] Chase: I thought you disposed of the drugs. Cameron: Not all of it. [They start stripping each other.] Chase: Uhh, slow down... your pupils are dilated! You're not... [She yanks his shirt off.] Cameron: Come on Chase; don't turn into a good guy on me now. [They continue kissing.] (Cut to the hospital) [Cameron walks into the elevator the next morning, hair still disheveled, looking very pale, and wearing a beret. House uses his cane to open the door again just as it's about to close, and walks in with Steve in his cage.] House: You're late... and hung over. [Looks carefully at Cameron.] Or maybe not. Cameron: Why do you have a rat? House: Jealous? [The elevator reaches their floor; Cameron rushes out before him to Kalvin shouting at someone. House and Cameron rush in to see.] Kalvin: Out of my room! Dad: Don't you dare put this on me! Kalvin: I'm not going to grovel, dad! Dad: That's not what I'm asking for. Kalvin: Like hell it isn't! [At Cameron.] You said you didn't call! [Cameron's speechless.] House: Don't mind me. Just here for the show. Dad: Yeah well, there's not going to be any. [He tries to walk out but House blocks the door with his cane.] House: What happened to the big apology? Yesterday he was all 'Daddy, I'm so sowwy.' Kalvin: This is none of your business. House: You should have thought of that before you stalked me. Now I'm interested. [To the dad.] So what's he got to apologize for? You're the one who tossed him out. Dad: Now why would I do that? House: I don't know. 'Cause it's tough to brag to your hunting buddies that your son knows all the words of The Wiz. Dad: That's a lie! House: 42nd Street? Much easier to just get drunk and bat him. Explains his hating you; [Dad is facepalming.] also your cirrhosis. Also why the more I talk, the more you sweat. What it doesn't explain, is why he's gotta apologize to you. [To Kalvin.] Residual guilt for sharing your special toy with other boys? Kalvin: Just leave it alone. House: Just want to leave the bigot with some peace of mind after you're gone? Dad: Look, this has got nothing, and I mean nothing to do with him being gay! Now Kal brought this on himself, with what he did to his mother! House: He steal her signature look? Dad: No. No, he klled her. (Cut to House and Ducklings in the conference room) [Cameron with a very bad hair day looking like she hasn't slept in days is being stared at by the others.] Cameron: Kalvin lied! House: Yeah, that certainly is shocking. Cameron: [Pacing and talking very fast.] Mom's kidneys were failing, she needed a transplant, they tested Kalvin, he was a match. He was also positive for HIV, mom never found a qualified donor, she dies. House: Tragic tale. Undercut slightly by the rapid fre delivery and constant movement. Too much coffee this morning? Chase: He didn't kll her. Our bodies aren't donor farms for our parents. Foreman: It's not 1980. We know how HIV is transmitted! If Kalvin got HIV through unprotected sex, dad has every right to be pissed! Cameron: So you always use a condom? Foreman: Uhh... yeah! House: Brother's on the down-low got to Foreman: Huh, not ready for any Foreman Juniors yet. Cameron: [To House.] You? House: Working girls are sticklers. You're not going to poll Chase? [She looks at him sharply.] Chase: I'm not an idiot. House: Obviously not. Who doesn't sleep with a drugged out colleague when they have a chance? [He gives Cameron and Chase a pointed look that plainly speaks of levels of satisfaction for finding out; Foreman looks surprised, but grins.] Cameron: Where's Wilson? House: We got the result for the Kveim test. [Shakes his head slightly. Cameron sighs.] (Cut to Kalvin's room) Kalvin: So... I have cancer? Wilson: In all likelihood, yeah. Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. Kalvin: And I am... dying? Wilson: We need to biopsy the tumor. It's near your aorta so... getting that sample carries serious risks. Kalvin: Is my dad still here? Wilson: He hasn't been in? [Kalvin shakes his head.] Wilson: We'll inject a dye around your heart to make the tumor visible on the CT. [Cut to dad sitting by the wall of water. Wilson continues as a voice over.] Then a surgeon inserts a guide wire, runs it up into your heart where he takes a small piece of that tumor so we can look at it under the microscope. (Cut to Cameron and Chase in the locker room in the staff room) Chase: Ativan. It'll help settle you down. [He hands her some pills which she takes.] Cameron: Why are you so calm? Chase: Not coming off meth helps. Last night probably shouldn't happen again. Cameron: Do you think I want it to? Chase: When two people have had sex, unless it sucks, if they can do it again, they're gonna do it again. And that's when things get complicated. And it didn't suck. [Chase walks out.] (Cut to House and Wilson walking together down a corridor) Wilson: So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could ht another patient. House: Nyah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic. Wilson: Well that rules out letting the rat go so you can catch him again. House: I can't do that, Steve needs two weeks antibiotics and a smoke-free environment. Cigarettes aggravated his infection. Wilson: The rat is actually sick? That thing could infect the entire hospital! House: Steve's infection is not contagious to humans. I'm an idiot. How did I miss micoplasmosis? Was that the kid's father? Wilson: Yeah. Remember the black death? Started with rats House: What's he doing in the hallway? His kid getting his biopsy already? Wilson: He just won't go in the room. Who knows what else he has - parasites? Bacterial infection? House: Kid doesn't have parasites. Wilson: Not the kid, the rat! House: Was he still sweating? Wilson: Rats only sweat through their tails. House: Not the rat, the dad! [Wilson doesn't have an answer. House starts walking back towards the dad.] Where are they from? Wilson: Err... Montana. What's going on? House: You were right, it's a parasite. Cancel the biopsy. It'll kll him. [Bangs his cane against the glass wall of the room the dad is in.] Hey daddy, come with me! Dad: Yeah, uhh... I'm not going in there. House: Your son asked to talk to you. Kalvin: [As dad walks in.] Why is he here? House: [Slides the door closed.] He wanted to talk to you. Dad: [Makes a noise as he suddenly realizes that House lied to him.] House: Did you two use to hunt together? Foxes. Did you kll foxes? Dad: It's Montana. House: [Walks towards Kalvin.] Those masses in your chest are not tumors. They're parasitic cysts from a bug called echinococcus. Touch a dad fox, they jump aboard, they can hunker down for decades -- growing, spawning, shopping, putting on plays. Kalvin: I've been tested for parasites. House: Okay, it's cancer. You happy? The cysts isolate the parasites, keeping them from showing up in stool samples, even in blood tests, cardiac-- Dad: All right, you don't need me for this. House: But you've got the same things in your liver. Dad: I have cirrhosis. House: Liver cysts have identical symptoms with one addition, fever. Now liver cysts we can test for. Your diagnosis could confirm Kalvin's. So, option A, we draw some blood-- Dad: No, look, you're not touching me. House: You see, this is why I need you here. I want you to tell your son that you won't take a simple painless blood test to save his life. Dad: [To Kalvin.] You err... never expressed a shred of regret for what happened to your mother. Kalvin: Geez, dad... Dad: If you'd have worn a damn rubber, you'd have been fine; could have saved her life. You wouldn't be lying here! House: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it! You're really mad at him for klling himself and for destroying everything you love. I don't have time for this, are you going to apologize? Kalvin: I'm living my life the way I want. House: [To the dad.] Are you going to give me some blood? Dad: Look, if he doesn't give a damn then neither do I! House: Okay. Option B. Why did your wife kll herself? Did she hate you? Kalvin: She was a diabetic! Dad: You know you don't know a thing about my Suzanne. House: Either Suzanne wanted to die, or she was both fat AND stupid. Used a Twinkie instead of a gn. And girls with big appetites, well they just can't get enough - of anything! Kalvin: Shut up! House: Probably nibbled on every devil dog in the county! Dad: SHUT UP! House: Just in case I'm not making myself clear, I don't mean the delicious snack... Dad: [Punches House, forcing House to reel back against the window.] You son of a bitch! Yeah? Come on! House: [Pats his jaw very calmly.] Thank you, means I can do this [Uses the head of his cane to whack the father exactly where his liver is situated.] We're going to need some epi in here, stat! Kalvin: Are you out of your mind?! House: You said you didn't care. [House uses his cane to push the dad back against the wall by pushing it against his neck.] Notice how you can't breathe? [The father sounds like he's choking/wheezing/going into shock.] Now either that's the cane, or I just ruptured one of those liver cysts we were chatting about and you've gone into anaphylactic shock, exactly the same as your son did when he accidentally tripped against my friend's car. I'm just SO excited to find out which! [House takes his cane off and the father slips to the floor clutching at his middle section.] I'm gonna schedule surgery. (shts of Kalvin and his dad both in surgery) (House is playing with a toy bird in Cuddy's office) House: Two successful surgeries, two lives saved. I'm over my quota. Can I have next week off? [Cuddy stops him from playing with the toy bird and snatches it away from him.] Cuddy: Two family members asault. House: It was self defense. Cuddy: You baited him. House: You're right. I was asking for it. The low-cut blouse, the 'Do-Me' pumps. Cuddy: You flooded his gut with a parasite, he could sue. Go see Stacy. House: Okay. [Gets up to leave.] Cuddy: That's it? Okay? No name-calling? No squawking? No rending of garments? House: I like this T-shirt. [Cuddy looking very thoughtful and suspicious as House leaves her office.] (Cut to Cameron in Kalvin's room at night) Cameron: You lied to me. Kalvin: If this is about my mom... Cameron: This is about your lonely, miserable life. Kalvin: I'm not miserable. And as long as there's a gay bar around, I'm never lonely. Cameron: You haven't had a single visitor except for your dad. Drugs are great, HIV freed you, your dad hates you, you're so happy. Everything's a lie! You blame yourself for your mom's death. You're not trying to have fun, you're trying to self-destruct. You wanna kll yourself? Fine, but stop recruiting! (Cut to House peeking into Stacy's office) Stacy: Heard you ht another patient. House: Yeah, sure. Why not? He ht me first. Stacy: Cuddy didn't mention that. Let me see. [She comes around the desk to look at his jaw.] House: I'm the doctor. Stacy: My concern is purely legal. [Pats the skin where he got punched.] Looks okay, does it hurt? House: A little. Stacy: You need some ice. [She goes to fetch some from the little fridge in the corner.] House: There's no way that Mark doesn't know; [Stacy turns around.] about the smoking. Stacy: He would have said something. [She applies some ice wrapped in a cloth to the purpling area where he got punched.] House: Then he hasn't been near you in months. Stacy: We're fine. House: Can't be easy. Stacy: Stop squirming. House: Why would you lie about this? Stacy: I'm not lying. House: I don't care if you're sleeping with him or not, but you're not, so... Stacy: I am. [Stops trying to put the ice on the bruise.] House: You're lying. Stacy: You know when I have sex? You can smell that on me too? The only people who know about what's going on between me and Mark are me and Mark. House: I just know you. Stacy: And I know you. You're confident, arrogant, but you're never certain unless there's a reason to be certain. One other person knew, I told you I was seeing Dr Harper. You can easily get into her office, you read my file. [House doesn't deny it.] You read my file? [She now sounds like she's about to break into tears.] The dishes, the concern, the, oh, acting like a human being? You have... This whole time you've been manipulating me? House: You knew I had an angle the moment I poured soap on to a scrub brush. [Stacy walks back behind her desk.] You could have thrown me out, or ignored me, or found another exterminator. You didn't even tell Mark that I kept coming by. You LET this happen because you wanna be with me. Stacy: [Nods.] I don't anymore. Get out. (Music starts, montage of scenes. Kalvin is helped to his dad's bedside by a nurse.) Kalvin: I'm sorry. (Cameron looks on the scene from outside the door.) (Stacy and Mark are watching TV at their house. Stacy pulls Mark's arm around her shoulder, Mark looks a little stand-offish but reluctantly smiles at the gesture.) (Chase is washing his face in the bathroom and stares at himself in the mirror, observing a bite mark on his lip, probably from the wild night with Cameron.) (Cameron is similarly looking at herself in a mirror after looking at a bottle of pills prescribed to her. She marks another X on her calendar. The camera pans down to reveal another date in red pen saying "HIV TEST" circled in red.) (House is watching TV on his own couch with a glass of what is probably scotch or brandy. Camera pans to his coffee table where Steve is in a cage running on a training wheel.)	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x07 - Hunting"}	foreverdreaming
(Scene opens on the backstage of a school concert/talent show) Magician boy on stage: Welcome to the world of illusion. What is real and what is magic. This is what you will wonder as I perform feats that will astound you! As you see there's nothing up my sleeves. And this hat... just an ordinary old hat. Watch as I wave three times above the hat and whisper the magic words; and now... [A bouquet of flowers pops out of the hat.] [The camera pans to a side of the stage where a mother (Kayla) is with her 2 daughters (Dory and Nicky). She's fixing one of their dresses.] Dory: Mom it's not working! It's ripped! Kayla: It's okay baby, it's just a little tear. Dory: Hurry up, mom! Kayla: [Turns to Nicky.] What are you so worried about? Nicky: Sally's going to make fun of us. Kayla: Sally Ayerson? [Nicky nods.] Dory: She said her mom bought her dress as Bloomingdales. You had to make ours. We're going to look stupid! Kayla: Do you girls remember that music we were listening to yesterday? That lady who sang about respect? Nicky: Retha? Kayla: Aretha. That's right. Do you think she had lots of money growing up in Detroit? Dory: What's Detroit? Kayla: It's a city. The point is that she's one of the best singers ever. If Sally's mean to you again I'm just going to have to key her daddy's new convertible. [The girls look confused by this.] Kayla: Do you know what that means? [The girls shake their heads.] Good. [The girls start their performance on stage, dancing and singing. Kayla is now in the crowd watching the performance. Kayla looks uncomfortable and pops a pill, but a second later she starts crying out in pain. Performance stops as she continues crying out loudly in pain.] (Six Months Later) [Stacy walks in through the hospital doors.] Cuddy: Hey. Stacy: Hey. Cuddy: Did you speak to Chase and House yet? The disciplinary hearing. Stacy: The McGinley case. That's not for two weeks. Cuddy: Tomorrow. Scheduling disaster, you don't want to hear it. You gotta get the boys okay to move the hearing up, and you gotta do that whole legal advice thing. Stacy: Can you ask someone else? Cuddy: I'm asking you. Stacy: Let me work with Chase. House should have separate counsel. Cuddy: Stop looking for whatever you're looking for. For the last month, House has been crowing that you can't work with him because you're just swooning in love. Stacy: There is nothing approaching love in what I feel about him right now. Cuddy: Well if you can't work with him, it amounts to the same thing. Stacy: [Sighs.] We had a fight. It's awkward. Why not use another lawyer? Cuddy: Because 40% of our lawsuits last year were about House. You can't work with him, you can't work here. (Cut to House and Wilson in House's office playing a game involving tossing a coin over a chain-link of paperclips and into the other's cupped hands - looks fun!) House: She's over-reacting. Wilson: You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached. House: So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either? Wilson: [Scores a coin in House's hands.] Yes! And yes. House: The file got me on the floor of her attic with her pouring out her soul. The only thing I did wrong was get caught. [He tosses the coin and it almost hits Wilson's face.] Stacy: [Walking into the office carrying a handful of papers.] Where's Chase? House: He's too busy to service you until after work. I got a couple of minutes though. Feel free to say something like "What'll we do with the time left over?" Or you could just stew. That works as well. [He turns to Wilson.] She stews before she gets violent. Stacy: [Throws the pieces of paper on to the table in front of House.] This one says you're okay with moving the disciplinary hearing to tomorrow. This one says I've advised you of your legal rights. House: Uh huh, any legal rights I should know about? Stacy: Nope. [Angrily tosses her pen on to the table, Wilson winces.] House: Great. [To Wilson.] And you thought this was going to be awkward. [He signs the papers.] (Cut to Stacy with Chase in a meeting room) Stacy: You shouldn't sign it. Postponing is almost always the smart thing to do. Tempers cool, memories fade. Chase: They rule on me it's done, right? Stacy: Yeah, but... Chase: Then let's get it over with. [He signs the paper.] Stacy: Have you ever done a peer review before? Chase: No. Stacy: Good. Here's a misnomer - these are your bosses. This will cost you some money, some privileges, or it could cost you your career. Chase: All I can tell them is what happened. Stacy: There's an objective reality to what happened and that committee is never going to know it. All they're going to know is what they picture happened, which depends a little on what you tell them, and a whole lot on HOW you tell them. May 11th. Chase: Patient presented to the clinic-- Stacy: What's her name? Chase: It's in the file. Stacy: Do you know it? [Chase makes a sign saying of course he does.] Then use it. Chase: Kayla presented to the clinic with multiple joint and stomach pain. Dr Foreman was called in for a neurological consult. [Flashback scene of Foreman doing a test on Kayla involving her having to point to one of Foreman's fingers and then pointing to her own nose.] Sam (Kayla's brother): What's the point of this, man? Foreman: Checking your sister's cerebral coordination. Sam: The thing is in her leg and her stomach. Wait in the clinic for six hours so she can play patty cake? Foreman: She could have gone to the ER last night. Sam: Oh yeah? You wanna come over and baby-sit her kids? [Stacy's voice cuts into the scene.] Stacy: Ok, patient comes from a family of jerks, I get it. Can you stick to the medicine? [Back to the flashback; Foreman is looking at Kayla's eyes.] Sam: Something wrong? [Kayla's eyes are red, looked inflamed.] Chase: There was some uveitis. Stacy: Meaning? Chase: Her iris? The color part of her eye was inflamed. Stacy: Meaning? Chase: Worst case, blindness, [He's pouring glasses of water for himself and for Stacy.] but there was an upside. It was weird enough to get House interested. [Flashback scene is now of House and ducklings in the conference room.] Cameron: Young woman, joint pain. Gonorrhea is a possibility. Foreman: It's probably articular; maybe rheumatoid. Cameron: It's typically small joints, this ht her knee. Foreman: Takayasu's arthritis. [House is trying to open his bottle of vicodin; he knocks it against the metal frame of the whiteboard.] House: Get a sed rate and serologies. [He keeps struggling as he can't get the lid open.] Child proof. How many kids are hopped up on vicodin? Foreman: Gimme. House: Right, like I'd ever get it back. Chase. [He tosses the bottle to Chase.] Stacy: Don't care about the vicodin. [The bottle of vicodin freezes in mid-air, and then disappears with a slight popping noise.] [Flashback scene continues.] Cameron: Might not just be her arteries, could be all her blood vessels. Chase: Vasculitis, with stomach pain... so Behcet's. Foreman: No, she'd have oral sores. House: Or genital. [To Chase.] Go find them. [As Chase is about to leave, the flashback freezes.] Stacy: I thought she was Foreman's patient, why did you do the exam? [Flashback goes back again.] [Chase is now struggling to open the bottle of vicodin.] Foreman: She'd have oral sores. House: Or genital. Go find them. [Foreman is about to leave when Chase opens the bottle of vicodin, splattering the pills all over the table.] House: Whoa, whoa Foreman... Chase can handle the pelvic. [Flashback scene of Chase checking Kayla for genital sores; Kayla looks very embarrassed and has her hands covering up her face.] Chase: Any pain? [Kayla nods.] Is it bad? [She looks like she's shaking her head but seems unsure.] This will go a little easier if you talk to me. Kayla: [Puts her hands down.] I'm sorry. I umm... I just really hate hospitals. Chase: When I was 12, had my tonsils out. Got to skip school, lots of ice cream; made me want to be a doctor. Kayla: My mom... died when I was 8 so... I spent months at Princeton General. Chase: [Checks her file.] She died of DTs? Your mom? [Kayla nods.] Bottles stashed around the house? Mood swings? That whole deal? Kayla: You've been there? Chase: My mom. Dad left, mom crawled inside a bottle. Made for a great Yr 12 of high school. Kayla: You ok with your dad now? Chase: No. [Stacy suddenly cuts into the flashback.] Stacy: Does your dad have anything to do with this story? [We see Stacy and Chase talking again in the meeting room.] Chase: No, it's just... Stacy: Okay, I get it, the two of you bonded, which is why you probably haven't been sued. Patients never sue doctors they like. But keep it brief, ok? The panel doesn't like to think they're being manipulated when they're being manipulated. Chase: She had some ulceration. Stacy: Confirming Behcet's? Chase: I gave her some prednisone, an antacid and I ran a pathergy test on her arm; takes 24 hours to confirm. Told her any doctor could check it out. Stacy: You didn't make an appointment? Chase: Nope. She just showed up. [Flashback scene, Chase is talking on the phone at the desk in the clinic, we see Kayla walking into the clinic in the background.] Chase: [On the phone.] Uh huh. Kayla: Dr. Chase. Chase: [Putting down the phone, he looks happy and hyped up.] Hi. All right, let's take a look. [Kayla pulls up her sleeve to reveal a pustule.] Okay, those little pustules mean it's positive. Talk to Nurse Previn; get an appointment with Dr. Broston in rheumatology. Behcet's is very treatable. You're going to be fine. Kayla: Okay. Thanks. [Chase smiles and walks out, scene changes back to Stacy with Chase in the meeting room.] Stacy: And you were just chatting on the phone to someone and she just happened to run into you. Chase: That's what happened. Stacy: No appointment? No real examination? Chase: Just gave her the test results. Stacy: So, lower standard of care, you really couldn't be expected to notice there was anything else wrong. Chase: We didn't even go into an exam room. Stacy: [Pause.] As your lawyer, I can't stop you from lying, I can't even be in the room, but I would be remiss if I didn't prep you until I'm better. [Takes up a piece of paper and hands it over to Chase.] You wrote her a prescription, which means there was an examination. What really happened? Chase: I was on the phone. [Flashback scene starts again with Chase on the phone, only this time, Chase looks rather distraught.] Kayla: [Walks into the clinic.] Dr. Chase? Hi. Chase: [Turns around, looks at her blankly.] Hi. Kayla: Kayla. I'm here for the test... my arm? [She pulls up her sleeve.] Chase: Oh. [He distractedly puts down the phone.] Oh yeah... umm, okay. [He looks at her arm.] It's positive. Talk to Nurse Previn; get an appointment with Dr. Broston in rheumatology. [He starts to walk out.] Kayla: I took that medicine you gave me? But my stomach still hurts. Chase: [Pauses at the door and turns back looking rather fed up. He digs out his pad and pen and writes her a prescription.] Behcet's can be stronger than we thought, or it could be reflux from the prednisone. This is a stronger antacid. [He starts walking out again.] Kayla: Doctor... Chase: [Turns around.] Yes? Kayla: [Pauses.] Nothing. [Chase walks out, she watches him go.] Stacy: You didn't ask her anything about the stomach pain? [Scene goes back to the meeting room.] Chase: I made one little mistake. Stacy: As little mistakes go, that was a biggie. (Scene cuts to House and Wilson walking down the corridor together) Wilson: She's only advising Chase? Not you? House: Well what's the committee going to do to me? I haven't even met this patient. Wilson: Your disdain for human interaction doesn't exculpate you, it inculpates you. Besides the charts, you're responsible for everything Chase does. House: Which is why this doesn't matter; she protects Chase, she protects me. Wilson: Unless her advice to Chase is to make a deal and give you up. [He fakes a VERY bad Australian accent.] "I'm so sorry, if only Dr. House had paid attention, he'd never even met her, he never does." House: Chase loves me. And isn't Turkish. Wilson: Cameron loves you. Chase loves his job. House: [Is about to enter an exam room in the clinic.] You really think Stacy hates me that much? Wilson: I think right now she hates you more than enough. You think emotion only affects doctors' judgments? [House pops a vicodin.] (Scene cuts back to the meeting room) Stacy: Everything stems from that one interaction; they're going to slam you on it. Were you distracted? Your problem? Overworked, that's their problem. Forgetful, yours, lazy-- Chase: I just figured the stomach pain was the Behcet's. Any doctor would have thought the same. Stacy: Then why did you call her an hour after she left the clinic? Nurse Previn said you asked her to have Kayla come back in. Chase: The way she hesitated I thought she might have had a doorknob question. [Stacy has no idea what that means.] Patient comes in, says he's got a sniffly nose; you examine him for 10 minutes right? Then you're leaving, hand on the doorknob, and he says "Oh yeah and my penis has turned green". Stacy: Embarrassing question, only important when patient saves it for last, so you knew she was about to ask the most important question... and you left. Chase: No. I didn't. I figured it out later. Stacy: What changed? Chase: [Shrugs.] Nothing. Stacy: Bad answer. Chase: I wasn't thinking clearly at first. Stacy: Worst answer. What was her doorknob question? Chase: I figured it might be blood in her stool, which could indicate a bleeding ulcer. [Flashback, paramedics are wheeling a bloody Kayla with a gas mask on into the hospital.] Chase: [Rushing down the corridor to join them.] Talk to me. Paramedic: 35-yr-old female vomiting massive amounts of blood. LOC at work, BP 80 over 20, heart rate 140. Chase: Push fluids? Paramedic: Three liters in the field, and we're boosting another one right now. It's gotta be a bleeding ulcer, doc. Co-worker says that she's been eating ibuprofens like candy. Foreman: I thought she had Behcet's. Paramedic: 1, 2, 3 [Lifts Kayla on to a gurney.] Chase: [Prepares a wire and slips it in through Kayla's mouth and into her stomach. We see the camera at the end of the wire move down into her stomach.] I'm in her stomach. There's too much blood, I can't see. Foreman: She burst an artery? Chase: [We suddenly see the ulcer on the screen.] No, there. Bubbling, just a bad ulcer. Cauterizing. Foreman: Can't see, use more saline. Chase: Hold on! Okay, [Sighs.] looks good. [House shows up.] Chase: Bleeding ulcer. We got it. She was fine 2 hours ago. [Alarms start beeping.] Foreman: Systolic BP's 70. House: Where's the ulcer? Chase: It's brown. I cauterized it. It must be something else. [He moves the wire around until they see another bleeding ulcer which looks worse than the first.] There. Foreman: Second ulcer? House: Not anymore. It perforated. Chase: Get her to an OR! [Scene cuts back to the meeting room.] Chase: The surgeons were able to suture the perforation. But the contents of the patient's- [Stacy looks up at him.] Kayla's stomach had spilled into her body. She got septic. Stacy: Then the infection lowers her blood pressure... Chase: 50 over palp at one point. It damaged her liver and kidneys. Listen, I know this looks bad, I obviously got the diagnosis wrong but I did everything by the book. I couldn't have known what was going to happen. Stacy: If I skip my coffee I get cranky. Do you want anything? [Chase shakes his head and Stacy walks out of the meeting room as they take a break.] (Scene cuts to Stacy walking with Cameron down the hallway) Stacy: Why did Chase screw up? Cameron: He forgot to ask her a question, does there need to be a reason? Stacy: It might help him. Cameron: As far as I'm concerned, he made a little mistake. It happens. Stacy: How far are you concerned? Cameron: You think I'm biased? Stacy: You're colleagues. You've worked together for over a year. And everyone says you slept together. Cameron: [Clears her throat.] Who says? Stacy: The correct answer is "We're not involved and I'm not biased". Cameron: We're not involved; and I don't know why he messed up. House has worked with him longer than I have. You should talk to House. Stacy: Yeah. Why did Chase screw up? (Scene changes, we see she's in a lab, camera pans up and we see she's just asked that question to Foreman.) Foreman: Because he doesn't give a crap about patients. Stacy: Well he always gets positive patient reviews. Foreman: Yeah. He smiles all 84 of his teeth, tells them his tonsil story. Stacy: It's a nice story. Foreman: He still has his tonsils! As soon as he's out of the room, which is as soon as he can be out of the room, he starts in on the trash talk. Thinks not giving a crap makes him like House. Like it's something to aspire to. [Stacy nods.] Am I going to have to testify? Stacy: I won't be encouraging them to call you. Foreman: What'd House say? (Scene cuts to the clinic, patient is coughing.) [House is checking the man out with his stethoscope.] Patient: Two months like this. House: Let me guess, no insurance, just heard about the free clinic. It's a good move. You don't want to skimp on the essentials like wristwatches, MP3 players... [Door suddenly opens, Stacy stands at the door.] Stacy: I need to talk to you. House: From the doorway? Stacy: It's confidential. House: Cool. I love gossip. [He puts the ear pieces of his stethoscope into the patient's ears and lets the patient hear his own lungs.] Hear that crackling sound like crumpling up paper? Keep listening. Let me know if it changes. [He sits down on his stool and looks perfectly content to stay there. Stacy walks in and shuts the door.] Stacy: Two questions. Why did Chase screw up and how bad was it? House: Wow. Talk about efficient. I only need one answer - Chase didn't screw up. Stacy: He said he did. House: Well I'm not a lawyer, but that seems like a sucky legal strategy. Stacy: Look I don't wanna know what you think a reasonable doctor would have done in Chase's position. House: If I thought he was a 'reasonable' doctor, I wouldn't have hired him. Stacy: God you two are a couple of geniuses. Deny everything; completely fool the lawyer who's trying to help you. Too bad the review committee members are actually doctors. [She starts to walk out the door.] House: Stacy. [She walks back, House sighs.] [Flashback - again we see Chase trying to cauterize the ulcer.] Chase: I'm in her stomach. There's too much blood, I can't see. Foreman: She burst an artery? Chase: No. There. Bubbling, just a bad ulcer. Okay, cauterizing; looks good. [House walks up.] Chase: Bleeding ulcer, we've got it. She was fine 2 hours ago. House: If by 'fine', you mean she had fountains of blood spurting out of every orifice then yeah, I believe you. [Alarms start ringing.] House: I'm guessing those are celebratory bells. Foreman: Systolic BP's 70. House: Show me the ulcer. Chase: It's brown. I cauterized it. House: Sweep back, show me the whole stomach. [Chase sweeps the camera back.] Stop. Foreman: Second ulcer? House: Not anymore. It perforated. Chase: Get her to an OR! Foreman: Let's go. [The nurses wheel Kayla after him.] [House confronts Chase.] House: She was not fine 2 hours ago. She mentioned stomach pain? Chase: Yeah, so I gave her a stronger-- House: You didn't do an exam. Chase: She just came in for a follow-up. The results of the pathergy test. House: Did you listen to her stomach? Check her vitals? Chase: Maybe if she'd said something about taking ibuprofen, mentioned the rectal bleeding! House: Yeah, why didn't she go to med school like you did?! Diarrhea! Blood in the stool! These are routine questions-- Chase: Doctors skip all the time! It was a minor mistake; I couldn't have known this was going to happen-- House: Mistakes are as serious as the results they cause! This woman could die because you were too lazy to ask one simple question! Chase: She might die because I had the bad luck to spill your damn vicodin pills! [House turns to the camera.] House: And I responded with a number of trenchant remarks which made Chase cry, none of which I'm going to testify about. [Scene cuts back to House and Stacy in the clinic.] House: Unless you convince Chase to roll on me. Patient: Excuse me, testify about what? House: Uhh... [Checks the patient's file.] Chuck. I'm going to break from the parable of the wicked doctor and tell a little story about a patient. Let's call him... Buck, who has low O2 stats and crackling lung sounds. Chuck: Like I have? House: Buck has idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. His lung tissue's turning to rock. There's no known cause, no treatment. He is slowly suffocating. Chuck: You're talking about me? House: Lung transplant's about a half a million dollars, but this poor sucker's got no insurance. If he tried to sign up now, he'd be excluded, pre-existing condition. But let me confirm with my lawyer [He turns to Stacy who doesn't respond.]. She confirms. If only Buck hadn't been diagnosed with fibrosis before he got insurance. So... back to the exam. [Chuck looks scared and shocked and wordlessly leaves the clinic.] Stacy: That's how you tell this guy he's dying? House: Oh relax. He's got a cold, and soon, health insurance. Stacy: Such a hero; always righting wrongs. Who cares who you have to manipulate. House: I'm sorry. I didn't realize you and Buck were so close. [Walks out of the exam room.] Stacy: It's a point of principle. House: Right. It's got nothing to do with what I did to you. Stacy: There's nothing for us to talk about. House: [Takes some lollipops from the clinic counter and puts them in his pocket.] That's why you're following me. I read some notes-- Stacy: If Chase screwed up-- House: I was wrong. Terribly, terribly, sorry. Stacy: If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fre him? House: He has great hair. Stacy: [Grabbing on to House's arm to stop him from walking away.] What are you hiding? House: I'm gay. Oh, that's not what you meant. It does explain a lot though. No girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers... [Stacy gives up and walks away.] (Scene cuts to Stacy walking back into the meeting room and putting a cup of coffee on the table for Chase.) Stacy: Diarrhea, blood in the stool. Two simple questions you could have asked her six months ago and averted this whole thing. You didn't ask either, why? Chase: [Rolling up his shirtsleeves.] Judging from your question, and your demeanour, I assume you were visiting with House. Been over this, I don't know. Stacy: Good doctors don't make mistakes-- Chase: Good doctors never forget to ask questions? Then you've got your answer, apparently I'm not a good doctor! Stacy: FYI self-pity generally is not a good strategy in these hearings. What happened after the operation? [Flashback - Kayla's resting after the op, Cameron and Chase are talking to her brother, Sam] Cameron: The kidney damage isn't so bad. The liver damage is more worrisome. There's no dialysis for livers. Sam: I know, but if she loses her liver she can get a transplant, right? Chase: We can put her on a list. Sam: I could do it. I could give her part of my liver. Cameron: Surgeons won't operate unless the donor's had a long time to weigh the decision. Sam: There's black markets. Cameron: Those organs-- [They're interrupted by Kayla giving a loud cry of pain from the bed behind him, alarms start beeping.] Kayla: Ooh... ohhh my stomach! Chase: The pain constant? Kayla: Ohhh... oh yeah! Chase: Sharp or dull? Kayla: Oh I don't know! Chase: It's bad. [Cameron starts to do an ultrasound and squirts gel on to Kayla's abdomen.] Cameron: It's a little cold. Appendicitis? Chase: No, it's a clot. Cameron: Nurse! Call the OR; we've got to prep her for an embolectomy. Chase: A CVC, PT and a liver panel. [He calls out over Kayla's moans of pain.] [Cut back to meeting room.] Chase: Sepsis had lowered her BP so much she got clots in her liver. They blocked the hepatic artery, cut off the blood flow. Her liver was shocked. Stacy: And Cuddy listed her? With all the other problems? [Chase nods, flashback - House and Chase in Cuddy's office, Cuddy is looking at Kayla's file.] Cuddy: Forget it. We can't give a liver to a woman this sick. House: Do you listen to what you're saying? Cuddy: There is no point in giving a new liver to somebody who also has vasculitis. Chase: Treatable. Cuddy: And kidney damage. Chase: It's healing. House: You know what's really klling her? Chase forgot to ask a standard question about stomach pain, so he missed the diagnosis, so she perforated, so she got sepsis, so her BP tnk, so she got blood clots, so she lost her liver. [Chase is facepalming and looking very dejected.] Livers are important, Cuddy; can't live without them, hence the name. And here's the big issue, Chase is a hospital employee, and Kayla is the sympathetic mother of those 2 jury-friendly moppets Caleb and Cody. Chase: Dory and Nicky. Cuddy: Your point, beyond just trying to make Chase wet himself seems to be that the hospital faces liability here. Well thanks for clearing that up. I still need a medical reason to list her. House: That is a medical reason! [Cuddy's confused.] The family wins this hospital in a lawsuit; they'll turn it into condos. And people will die waiting outside a condo for medical care. [Cuddy capitulates.] Cuddy: Start praying for a 12-car pile-up on the turnpike 'cause we're not exactly swimming in livers over here. [She signs the paper.] (Cut back to the meeting room) Stacy: When you're testifying, skip the details on how House convinced Cuddy. I don't think the people who got bumped down the transplant list need to know why. Chase: It didn't matter anyway. [Flashback - Chase and Foreman talking to Sam outside Kayla's room.] Sam: She next on the list? Chase: Yes. Foreman: But she's AB negative. Very rare. Sam: How long can she go on like this? Foreman: Probably another day or two. Sam: [Takes a file out of his backpack.] I'm donating my liver. Chase: Sam, we've talked about this. Sam: I'm a perfect match; 6 out of 6 HLA proteins. Foreman: How'd you get checked out so fast? Sam: I know a guy in medical testing and I paid him to rush it. Stacy: Sam bribed someone to rush his test? Chase: Wouldn't you? Stacy: Someone's going to get the blame for what happened, so the more we spread it around... might as well--- you said no surgeon would do a live donor transplant on such short notice. Chase: House took care of that too. (Scene cuts to a flashback of House talking with transplant surgeon, Dr Ayersman.) Ayersman: Your patient's hardly clotting. House: Sub-Q vitamin K and fresh frozen plasma pre-op. Ayersman: Pretty risky. House: Well that's why I came to the best transplant surgeon in the hospital. She's dad without you. Ayersman: [Smiles.] Get her in this afternoon. House: [Sighs.] Thank you very much. Ayersman: My pleasure. [They warmly shake hands, the scene freezes.] [Scene cuts to Stacy facing House in the clinic exam room again.] Stacy: And this was right before you ran the marathon, I suppose? House: Was it the part where he warmly clasped my hands in thanks, was that too much? Stacy: What'd you do to him? House: The hospital lawyer asks me if I did something unethical. If I did, the last person I tell is the hospital lawyer, especially since she's gone all 'old testament' on me. Stacy: You'll tell me. House: Oh. Ok then. One caveat, I've moved past threesomes. I'm now into foursomes. If someone backs out then you've still got a threesome. [Stacy's glaring at House at this point.] If two people back out, you're still having sex. You'd be amazed. Even if three people-- Stacy: Anything you say is attorney-client. So you can get advice about the bad, bad thing you did, knowing I'll be tortured because I can't tell a soul. House: [He winks.] Actually, it is kinda cool. [House and Stacy are now transported into a replay of the flashback. They're standing in Ayersman's office even as Ayersman and House are talking about doing the transplant.] Ayersman: Are you completely out of your mind? She's dying on her own, why would I volunteer to be her executioner? [House hands him an envelope.] I'd just be inviting a lawsuit from the brother, no matter what! [He opens the envelope, there's money inside.] House: 5 grand. And that's just ante money. After the surgery, you get another 15. Though I warn you, that includes the tip. Ayersman: [Laughs scornfully.] I make 600 grand a year; you think I'm going to risk tnk my percentages for 20 thousand? [He throws the envelope down on the table.] House: [Shrugs.] It's tax free. Ayersman: For the record, I hope the department takes you and Chase and drop-kicks both your asses out the back door. House: [Nods.] Great; [He pockets the envelope.] means I don't have to bother welshing on the 15 grand I would have owed you. If you don't do the surgery, [He starts to walk away.] I'm going to tell your wife that you've been sleeping with a series of nurses. Currently Nurse Cutler in Radiology. Now what's 600 grand divided by two? [House looks thoughtful, Ayersman looks shocked.] House: Last Christmas party, Nurse Cutler handed you one of those little hotdogs. And you didn't thank her. Well that only happens when you're very, very intimate. That and the fact that you've been practically dancing around with your zipper open, used condom stuck in your shoe. [He walks over to pick up a sweet in a bowl nonchalantly.] Your wife is apparently the only one who doesn't know. Ayersman: There is no way you'll tell her. House: Of course I won't. I'm much too cowardly. [Ayersman looks defeated.] No, I'd just send an anonymous letter. Now I've uh... I've got an OR booked for 4 this afternoon. Are you free? [Eats the sweet.] [Ayersman closes his eyes and grimaces but nods.] House: Hmm. Oh, and for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in this hospital. But unfortunately, you're the only one who's currently cheating on his wife. [He walks out, passing by the figures of himself and Stacy watching the scene.] [Scene cuts back to Stacy and House in the exam room.] Stacy: You bribed him and then you blackmailed him?! House: She'd have been dad in 2 days if I hadn't made Ayersman do the surgery. Stacy: Leave the blackmail out of the story you tell the committee. House: Tried to leave it out of the story I told you. Stacy: And then there was that incident in the parking lot. [Scene cuts to a blond woman in a tight dress keying Ayersman's brand new red convertible.] Ayersman: Hey now! Don't do that! Hey what are you nuts?! Please, please! I didn't do it! I didn't do anything! [Scene cuts back to exam room.] House: Apparently, someone sent an anonymous letter to his wife. Stacy: You blackmailed Ayersman before he performed the surgery and then you ratted him out anyway?! House: Doesn't seem fair, does it? Stacy: You just can't control yourself, can you? No matter how stupid, how self-destructive-- House: To make this conversation easier, can we discard the fiction that we're talking about anything other than what I did to you? You're not mad because I broke into your psychiatrist's office. Stacy: Yeah, I was thrilled about that. House: Okay, it was a lousy thing to do, but if what I'd found was that everything was all kittens and moonbeams in Markville, you'd be over it. Stacy: No I wouldn't! House: You're mad at me for letting you know what I did because you liked where things were going. And for that I actually am sorry. It was stupid. [Stacy turns and leaves, House throws his head back and looks fairly heartbroken and dejected.] [The camera turns around to see the patient in the exam room, sitting there with House's stethoscope, probably listening to her own lungs too.] House: Let me tell you a story about a patient; [He takes the earpieces out of her ears.] the patient we'll call, [He checks her file.] Fusan. (Scene cuts to flashback of the organ transplant operation. Chase is narrating) Chase: Because Sam had rushed his tests, we were able to get them into surgery that afternoon. Dr Ayersman performed the live donor transplant. He resected the right lobe, hepatic vein, and hepatic artery of Sam's liver, and transplanted it into Kayla. The operation was a success. Kayla and Sam continued to receive routine care. [Chase is observing the operation from the observation deck.] [Scene cuts back to the meeting room.] Chase: Two months later, she came by for an exam. Stacy: July 24th, be precise. You did the exam? Chase: Honestly, I just wanted to-- Stacy: Honestly? So you've been lying up until now? Chase: Let's make a deal. I won't use the word 'honestly', and you'll quit stopping by to see House so you don't take it out on me afterwards, how about that? [Stacy narrows her eyes.] I wanted to be as far away from Kayla as possible, but House was rubbing my nose in it. [Flashback - Chase is checking up Kayla.] Chase: How are the girls? Kayla: They're great. Dory had her first crush, which was cute. Chase: Oh yeah? [Measures her temperature through her ear.] Kayla: And then her first sort of break up, which was not so cute. Chase: You're hot. 99.3 [Checks the pulse in her throat.] You been coughing? Kayla: No. Chase: Pain in urinating? Kayla: No. 99's not that high, is it? Chase: Immunosuppressant's block fevers; you shouldn't have one at all. I'm sending a nurse in here to draw cultures, and I'm ordering a chest x-ray. [Cut back to meeting room.] Chase: I wasn't making any more mistakes. Stacy: Another phrase to avoid in front of the committee. Chase: She spikes a fever an hour later. [Flashback - House and Ducklings in the conference room.] Foreman: Her AST and ALT are up. She's rejecting the liver. Chase: No, it's just an infection. One of our cultures is growing a strep. Cameron: Just one? Probably a contaminant. Chase: She's dehydrated, her hematocrit's way up, it's strep! Foreman: Transaminases are up too. Chase: It's just stress from the strep. House: Please, Chase, you and this strep. Get a room already. Chase: She's not rejecting the liver! It's just an infection, she'll be fine. [Sam bursts into the conference room.] Cameron: Worst case we could re-list her. Sam: [Points at House] You House? House: Umm... well that depends. Are you going to ht [Goes to stand next to Foreman and points at him.] Dr. House? [Foreman looks at House and House stops pointing with an innocent expression on his face.] Sam: You haven't even seen my sister and you're being cute with me? Chase: Sam, we're talking about her right now. Her fever might-- Sam: Could be Hep B, Hep C, right? It's treatable. You give her interferon, she's ok. Right? House: You know a lot about hepatitis. Cameron: He just donated his liver. House: You're flushed. You sick? Sam: I'm tired. House: You're hiding the fact that you're sick. Now why would you do that? [He grabs Sam's right arm which has two tattoos on the forearm.] Sam: Hey, wait, what are you... House: Now either you specifically asked for a tattoo of a heart that's been left out in the sun too long, or that is a really bad home job. It's a very common way of getting Hep C, which you have. You've had it a long time. Sam: [Looking guilty. Ducklings look shocked.] It was going to keep me from giving my liver. Foreman: You paid off that lab tech to say you were clean?! Sam: It hasn't been active in years. She was going to die if I-- House: [Sarcastic.] You paid someone off? That is TOTALLY unethical! Get an MRI for him and his sister right now. [Cameron and Foreman start to walk out.] Sam: She got Hep from me, didn't she? House: No! No, no, no, God no! [Serious.] I think she got cancer from you. (Cut back to the meeting room) Stacy: House was right? [She sounds a little too impressed at that.] Chase: Brother had an undiagnosed hepatoma that was transplanted with his liver. Grew a lot faster in Kayla because she was immunosuppressed. Stacy: How could House have known? Chase: Hepatitis can cause liver cancer. Plus her hematocrit, red blood cell count was high. Usually means dehydration, rare cases - cancer. We probably saved Sam's life. [Flashback - operating on Sam.] Chase: We were able to operate on him early enough before it metastasized. [Back to meeting room.] Chase: Kayla had already started rejecting the liver. Stacy: And you couldn't re-list her because of the cancer. Chase: Nothing we could do. Stacy: This is good; the brother lying about his Hep. It's an intervening act, the proximate cause of her cancer and not your mistake. Chase: She would have died six months ago if he hadn't given up his liver. Stacy: Maybe. Can't prove it. [Stacy's beeper goes off.] You need to come with me. (Scene cuts to Cuddy's office; House, Cuddy, Chase and Stacy are present.) Cuddy: Just been served with papers. Actually paper; one page. [She reads it.] Defendant Princeton-Plainsboro hospital and Dr Robert Chase; blah, blah, blah. Medical malpractice, negligence; blah, blah. House: You're surprised they're suing? You think people love Chase so much they're gonna just forgo-- Cuddy: Punitive damages in the amount of 10 million dollars. [Passes the paper to Stacy.] Stacy: Punitives?! That means they're alleging gross negligence. Chase: Well he's obviously out of his mind! Stacy: Larry Wusekus. He's not crazy. House: Ooh! I've been sued by him. Stacy: You have been hiding things and lying to me all day! House: I haven't lied about anything. Except for the parts that I admitted I was lying about. And I'm not the one being sued. I feel funny. [He walks around to stand beside Cuddy behind her desk.] Stacy: [Sighs.] Well what haven't you told us? [Stacy, Cuddy and even House are staring expectantly at Chase.] Chase: [Sighs.] Before she checked out, Sam found her a second liver. Cuddy: She had cancer, how could she-- Chase: Black market. There was a doctor in Mexico City who was going to do the surgery. [Flashback - Chase is putting on his jacket preparing to go with Kayla, Foreman and Cameron are trying to stop him.] Chase: She's leaving from JFK at 5. Foreman: To meet some Mexican guy in the back of a van with a pig's liver and a hacksaw?! This is nuts! Chase: You want to rat me out to House? He'll say if there's a chance in a billion then go for it. Cameron: This is not what she wants! Foreman: She's being manipulated by a morally guilty brother and a legally guiltier doctor. Chase: You think she wants to die? Cameron: She's dying either way. [Chase glares at them and prepares to walk out. Foreman grabs his arm to stop him.] Foreman: Chase. How many people you know walking around with a black market organ from a third world surgeon, huh? This isn't going to be your salvation! It's just one more thing they'll pin on you! Go in there, be the good guy. [Scene cuts to Sam hurrying around Kayla's room packing her stuff; Chase walks in looking somber. Kayla's sitting up on her bed. She looks pale and very sickly.] Chase: We need to talk. Sam: No, there's no time. Chase: Two minutes. Kayla, I made a mistake. I wasn't as blunt as I should have been about your odds. Probably didn't want to face it myself. Sam: Dr. Chase, please don't do this. Chase: Stress of the travel, the operation, even then, the cancer. Sam: Kayla, we are going! Chase: My dad died. Lung cancer. I saw him a couple of months before it happened, we never talked about it. Sam: I'm sorry your father died, but it has nothing-- Chase: [Not paying any attention to Sam.] He never even told me he was sick. I wish he had. It wou-- [He stops and takes a deep breath.] You're gonna die. Alone. Thousand of miles from your children, you don't want to do that to them. [Kayla nods and looks at Sam.] Sam: Kayla... Kayla: [Whispers.] I'm sorry Sam. Sam: Kayla, you can't give up; if you do this, if you go home... I klled you. Kayla: [Shakes her head.] No. You gave me 3 months. You gave Dory and Nicky 3 more months with me. And when they found my cancer, they found yours; and I got to save my baby brother. [Sam and Kayla start to cry and hug each other.] Chase: A week later, Kayla died at home. Sam was furious. Gotta be why the big lawsuit. Cuddy: Are you buying this?! Stacy: Of course not; there was no illegal transplant. There's no causation. Chase: He was ready to kll me! Maybe he's lying to his lawyers. Stacy: Or you're lying to us. Last Thursday he saw you for post-op care. If you hate your doctor, you find another doctor before you find a lawyer. This guy didn't sue Cameron or Foreman. He didn't even sue House. Something personal here, something you don't want us to know before your hearing. The guy didn't hate you before that meeting, he hated you after. [Flashback - Chase is doing a check-up on Sam.] Chase: So how's everything else? The girls? Sam: Ah, you know... a lot of crying, some nightmares. [Chase finishes the check-up; Sam sits up and buttons up his shirt.] We'll be ok though. Chase: Good. Sam: Girls are not going to be happy about leaving town though. They love that house, the yard, their friends. Chase: You're moving? Sam: Ever since the operation I've been on disability and there's the mortgage so... moving out of state somewhere cheaper. Anyways, thanks. [He shakes hands with Chase. As he starts to walk out--] Chase: I klled your sister. I misdiagnosed her ulcer. klled her. Sam: Shut up man. She liked you, just-- Chase: I was hung-over when she came back to see me. I'd been up half the night drinking, had a headache and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. Couldn't have cared less what your sister was saying about her stomach pain. [Sam angrily sweeps medical instruments off a table, Chase flinches.] [Scene goes back to Cuddy's office. Cuddy and Stacy are silent.] House: May I speak to my future former employee? [House and Chase are talking alone together outside Cuddy's office.] House: Great story. Chase: You think I'm lying? It's exactly what I told him. House: I'm sure it is. But you lied to him. You want him to sue you. Chase: I klled his sister! House: I ordered black coffee this morning and got cream. Everybody screws up. Chase: They didn't put poison in your coffee. House: I've seen you hung-over. You weren't the day you blew his sister's diagnosis. Chase: What does it matter why? Is she less dad if I have a good excuse? House: If I thought you'd screwed up because you were drunk, I would have fired you. Chase: You knew? House: You were depressed and distracted. I assumed you'd gotten a phone call from your stepmom. [Flashback - to the scene where Chase picks up the phone in the clinic again, this time before Kayla walks in.] Chase: [On the phone.] This is Robert. [He starts to get visibly distressed.] Umm... what did he die of? [Pause.] That's impossible. I saw him two months ago, if he had lung cancer, he would have... [He doesn't bother to even say goodbye as he takes the phone away from his ear, his eyes start to fill with tears.] Kayla: [From behind him.] Dr. Chase? [Chase puts down the phone.] [Cut back to House and Chase.] House: Good news is, both your parents are dad now so... no reason to screw up this bad again. Chase: How'd you know? House: There's this interconnected network of computers, or interweb where you can-- Chase: How did you know to look? House: [Sighs.] When he visited he told me he only had two months left. When you screwed up I did the math. Chase: Why didn't you tell me he was dying? House: He asked me not to. Chase: [Getting angry.] So you just hung me out there to be blindsided. House: [Softly.] Yeah Chase, it was all my fault. Look, you got a choice. You can either tell the truth, hospital settles, family gets some money, they get to keep their house. Or you can keep up this lie, family gets punitive damages, they buy a jet, they move to Park Avenue, and you have to find another career. Chase: You're not going to say anything? House: I'm going to keep my mouth shut. Legally, it's better for me if you go down in flames. (Scene cuts to House in a very nice grey suit and tie twirling his cane waiting in front of the room where Chase is going through his meeting with the disciplinary board.) [Stacy walks up and sits down next to House.] Stacy: Is Chase telling the committee about his dad? House: I don't know. I thought you were going to get him to sell me out. Stacy: I wouldn't do that. House: Why not? Stacy: You're my client too. House: Yeah. And that's not going to change unless you leave this job. Or I do. So how do you deal with a coworker that you have feelings for - positive or negative. I don't want to end up like Chase, I don't want to get emotionally caught up and kll... you. Stacy: It's not all negative. [House looks up at her hopefully.] Stacy: Maybe you were right... maybe that is the problem. House: So what do we do? Stacy: [She shakes her head.] I don't know. [A doctor opens the door and invites House into the room.] Doctor: Dr. House. [Scene cuts to House sitting next to Chase as the committee give their ruling.] Head Doc: After considering the testimonial and documentary evidence, this ad hoc committee in the matter of Kayla McGinley has reached a decision. Dr. Chase, your error resulted in a patient's death. You also lied, both to your superiors and the patient's brother. But taking into account the mitigating factor of your father's death, we've decided not to revoke your privileges. You'll receive one week's suspension and a letter in your permanent file. [Chase looks relieved.] Now as for Dr. House... there is no evidence of a failure to supervise that would lead to disciplinary action. And yet, there is enough in the record to be very troubled by your conduct, [House starts to look up in surprise.] including certain allegations of black mail [He rolls his eyes.] from members of the transplant team and by your general refusal to meet with your patients. It should be noted that your patient's cancer was diagnosed as the result of a direct physical examination of--- House: Not of the patient, I met the brother. Never met her. You want me to go to a family reunion every time I take on a patient? Head Doc: The committee has determined that for no less than one month, Dr. House will have his practice supervised by another doctor, to be designated by Dr. Cuddy. This proceeding is adjourned. [Everyone starts to leave; House continues sitting there in shock.] (Scene cuts to House walking into the conference room where Cuddy and Wilson are waiting with the Ducklings.) [House yanks his tie off as he enters the room.] House: [To Cuddy.] Did you know this was coming? Cuddy: They contacted me about an hour ago. Cameron: What's happening to Chase? House: [To Chase as he walks in.] Now you're fired! Foreman: No, he's not. Cuddy: Dr. House, meet your new boss. [Everyone turns to look at Foreman.] Wilson: [Pointing to Foreman.] Guess I'm his best friend now. [House's smile turns speculative and there's a challenging gleam in his eyes.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x08 - The Mistake"}	foreverdreaming
[Scene: A snowy Off-Track Betting parlor.] Race announcer: ...Calamari is still in the lead but Apple Parking is making strides he is now in fourth, third, and holding second place while Blue Calamari is at a steady speed... [Camera pans to see House watching the monitor.] ...And down the stretch they come! Apple Parking comes from behind and it's Apple Parking by a nose! [House looks disappointed.] This is the last call for the third race. You may still wager if you hurry. Here's your information on race number three... House: Out of the way, cripple coming through. Man in line in front of House: Um, sixth race at Golden Downs; I'll take the two and the four. Hey, that's my birthday! February 4th, 1963, you think that's a good bet? What's your birthday? House: Take your time, don't worry that there's only thirty seconds to post. Man: Is there any way I can bet on the six and the three also? You know, for the year? All four horses, can I do that? [A woman comes up to talk to the teller.] Anica: He wants a $2 exactabox, 2, 4, 6, 3. Give him $24. [The man fishes for money as Anica winks at House.] Your turn. House: Ninth at Gulf Street and Park; five hundred on the 3 horse, Seminole Uprising to win. Anica: Might as well burn your money. House: I'll burn my winnings. Bigger flame. Race announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, they're at the post. The flag is up. Anica: Same race. Termigator to win. [House moves to a monitor.] Race announcer: And they're off! Teller: Sorry, race just closed. Anica: Damn it! She was 14 to 1, too. House: Well, fat ass over there just saved you money. Anica: No way Seminole Uprising's going to - House: I don't bet on the horses, I bet on the jocks. My rider's bulimic; purges after his weigh-ins; leaves a two pound pile at the starting gate, shaves valuable time off that final eighth. Anica: Nice to have inside information. [Anica collapses, but House is busy watching the race.] House: Is anybody here a doctor? [Anica is seizing, and one man straddles her and prepares to start CPR.] You trying to cop a feel? Man: I took a CPR class at the Y. House: That would be useful if she was having a heart attck instead of a seizure. Man: Seizure? Hold her tongue down? House: If you want to get a finger bitten off. Call an ambulance. Man: Methodist is three blocks down, I could drive her. House: Just make the call. [House sees something interesting, and pulls up Anica's shirt slightly to see very discolored stretch marks/bruises.] Man: What the hell is that? House: How should I know? Tell the paramedics to take her to Princeton-Plainsboro. The doctor's name is House. Race announcer: And it's Termigator winning by two lengths! [Cut to Diagnostic office.] Cameron: Since when does House hang out at OTB? Foreman: The man's an addict. Chase: Right, but addicted to pills, not gambling. Foreman: It's the same thing! Drug abuse, drinking, gambling - they all fre up the same pleasure centers in the brain. An addict is an addict is - Chase: Gambling doesn't take away his pain. [House enters.] House: It does when I win. [He throws a chart on the table.] Hot OTB babe, has grand mal and inexplicable bruising. What up with that? Cameron: You were just standing there and she started to seize? House: Spend as much time around the real people as I do, someone gets sick. Foreman: Her platelets are 89, she's anemic, and she has a blood alcohol level of 0.13. Chase: Hot OTB babe? Obviously a working girl, probably an STD, infection. House: No fever, no infection. Foreman: Alcohol abuse explains it all. Causes seizures and affects her blood's ability to clot, which causes bruising. Start her on heparin, she'll be fine by morning. House: Except for the fact that the bruises are not petechial, which means it's not DIC. Foreman: So the bruises were caused by trauma. She probably got bat up by a boyfriend, or a pimp. House: What's that called when you judge someone before ever meeting them? Foreman: She's a regular at OTB. Somehow I don't see her holding down a 9-to-5 and going to PTA meetings. House: I was there. I have a 9-to-3 job. Cameron: It could be SLE, Familial Telangiectasia, or even Cushing's. House: Good. Start with those. Cameron: Which one? House: Cushing's. Explains the seizure and the bruising. Foreman: Not the anemia. House: So she doesn't eat a lot of meat. Foreman: DIC brought on by alcohol abuse is far more likely. Do a full workup, H and P, and lab her up, LP, MRI - [He starts to leave.] House: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you just, ever so subtly, order me to get her medical history? Foreman: Cuddy put me in charge last week, so yeah. [Cut to Cuddy's office.] House: It was a pretend "in charge", formality to get past the suits in Legal. Cuddy: Right, those licensing board folk love to play dress-up and pretend. Foreman: Hey, no worries. I'll let you keep your parking space. House: You can have it. You'll also need my handicap placard. Bend over. Cuddy: Well, you make a pretty convincing argument. House: Chase klled that woman, now Foreman's in charge? Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here: if Cameron kills someone, Chase takes over. There's a flowchart in the lobby. For the next three weeks you answer directly to Dr. Foreman. Foreman: And I expect you here for grand rounds at nine. By the way, I like sugar in my coffee. Cuddy: [To Foreman.] If there's a screw-up, it's your screw-up. You won't have Dr. House to fall back on. [Cut to Anica, filling out the patient questionnaire.] Anica: "Do you wear a seatbelt?" Is that really relevant to a seizure? House: Skip it. Anica: How about, "Were you vaccinated for polio?" I think you gave me the form intended for FDR. House: [Looking at races.] Will I like Teeny Tiny Moe in the fifth? Anica: I went 4 for 6 yesterday. You want winners, cure me first. "Are you generally satisfied with your life?" House: It does not ask that. [It does, and he puts the form aside.] Anica: You know; I was going to ask what a respectable doctor was doing in an OTB parlor. Somehow that question doesn't seem relevant anymore. House: What's your excuse? Anica: Turns me on. House: Yeah? What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know. Anica: No sex; just moved here. Haven't even found a job yet. Don't know anybody. House: Came here without a job. That means you didn't move here, you moved away from somewhere else. [He pokes at the marks on her torso.] Does that hurt? Anica: No. House: Are you on prescription meds? Hormones? Prednisone? Anica: I already answered that one; I think it was question number 20-something. House: Well yeah, and I could reach down and get it, but that would kinda spoil the whole "cool move." Anica: I'm not on any medications. House: You vegetarian? Anica: No, why? House: Because you might have something called Cushing's syndrome, which basically means that - Anica: My pituitary is overproducing ACTH, which is causing my adrenal glands to push too much cortisol into my bloodstream. House: What a coincidence. I'm a doctor, too. Anica: Yeah, I had it last year. They did brain surgery, removed an adenoma from my pituitary. [Cut to the MRI, with a bored looking House and Anica, and a trying (and tried) Foreman.] House: Huh? What did you just say? "You were right, House, her pituitary tumor regrew, it is Cushing's, uncanny how you do that...." Foreman: Actually, it was Cameron's idea. House: Nope, Cameron had three ideas. I chose one to encourage, to nurture - Foreman: Yeah, you're all about the nurturing. House: You need a hug? Foreman: I don't see any regrowth. You get her medical records faxed over? House: "Work smart, not hard," that's my philosophy, boss. Foreman: Take that as a no. Anica, I need you to stay completely still. Anica: Sorry. Foreman: Still don't see anything. House: Okay, so it's a micro-adenoma, too small to see. Foreman: So small it's not even there. House: Right, it's just a coincidence that I predicted a rare condition that she happened to have a year ago. Foreman: Results from her LP back yet? House: Didn't do an LP. Knew what she had. [Foreman stops the test.] Foreman: Go do the LP. [Cut to House, about to do the puncture, Cameron observing.] House: Okay, I need you to roll over on your side, kiss your kneecaps. Anica: Party time. I thought it only took one doctor to do this. Cameron: I'm observing. House: She's here to make sure I don't paralyze you. Anica: You've done this before, right? House: Successfully? Cameron: He's kidding. He's an excellent doctor. House: I'm gonna numb the area with some lidocaine, and then we're off to the races! See what I did there? I used horse racing jargon to make the patient feel more comfortable. Okay, here we go. [He inserts the needle, Anica starts and gasps.] Anica: Ow. House: Felt like bone. Does that hurt? Anica: A little bit. What are you doing? Owwww. Cameron: Trying rounding your back a bit more. House: You're perfect just the way you are. Oops, that was all me. Anica: Ow. Cameron: You might want to move down one vertebra. House: This is actually much harder than I remember. Anica: Uhhh. My chest feels a little tight. Cameron: Try taking a deep breath. Dr. House, maybe I should take it from here. House: Eighth time's the charm. [Anica cries out again.] Cameron: You trying to piss off Foreman, huh? House: Just let - [Alarm beeps.] Cameron: BP's 240 over 140. House: Turn that thing off, will you? Cameron: Take the needle out. Take the needle out! House: Okay. [To nurse.] It's a hypertensive crisis. Start her on IV low pressure drip, titrate to systolic less than 140, she'll be fine. Cameron, meet me in my office. [Diagnostics.] House: At the risk of sounding redundant, and right, again, she has Cushing's. Cushing's. Foreman: Right, the fact that you mangled her LP has nothing to do with it. House: Actually, it has everything to do with it. Cushing's plus stress equals hypertensive crisis. Smart move, sending the rookie. Foreman: Her initial symptoms could have been caused by alcohol-induced DIC. She had a hypertensive crisis because it's been at least six hours since she had her last drink. She's detoxing. House: The exact same moment that I'm futilely trying to give her an LP? Foreman: Right, an invisible tumor on her pituitary is much more likely. Chase: What if the tumor is somewhere else? There could be an ACTH-secreting tumor on her lung or pancreas. Cameron: It's awfully rare. Chase: Not as rare as an invisible tumor. House: Why didn't they put you in charge instead of Foreman? Oh yeah, you're the guy that klled that woman. Get a pan-man scan before she dies of cortisol OD. [He makes a begging, pleading face to Foreman.] Foreman: Fine, do it. But when you don't find anything, put her on a Librium taper for the withdrawal and get her a bed in the rehab clinic. [Cut to Anica going in for the scan.] Chase: Lungs look clean. Pilar lymph nodes not enlarged. Cameron: Cuddy tapped Foreman to run the department. I didn't even get asked. Chase: Neither did I. Cameron: You were suspended. Chase: I was kidding. Cameron: It's the irony of women in charge; they don't like other women in charge. [Chase scoffs.] What, you think it's something else? Chase: You sabotaged yourself. You went on a date with House, you slept with me. Putting you in charge of this department is like a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen. Cameron: Yeah, they're really worried that I'm going to create a hostile work environment. Chase: Maybe that's the problem. Being in charge means having to say no to House. Would you hire you for that? [Cut to House watching monster trucks on the TV in his office.] Foreman: You ordered MRIs for the entire maternity ward? House: I was in a crazy mood. Good thing I got a new boss to back me up. Although I think one of those is actually necessary. Better comb through before you cancel them all. [Foreman turns off the TV.] Foreman: What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry? House: Actually, I expect you to act like what you are, my employee, my subordinate, my bitch. Foreman: Well, since you asked nicely... House: My God, I can't believe I got more than a year behind on my discharge summaries. Gotta get caught up. Oh no, wait! I'm not authorized to sign these anymore! Only you are. Foreman: Keep it coming. I'm not gonna break. [Chase and Cameron enter.] Cameron: Scans showed a mass on her pancreas. Chase: Looks malignant, probably inoperable. I'd give her two months. House: On the bright side, it still means I was right. [Cut to Cameron entering Anica's room.] Anica: Where's Dr. House? Cameron: Dr. Foreman's overseeing your case. He thought it'd be best if I spoke with you. We found a mass in your pancreas. It looks like cancer. Anica: So something in my pancreas caused me to have a seizure? Cameron: Probably, but the bigger point is a one-year survival rate for pancreatic cancer is less than 20%. Anica: So what's the treatment? [Eerily calm.] Cameron: We need to biopsy the mass to see what we're dealing with. Then we can recommend options from there. Anica: Sounds good. Cameron: I need your consent to do the biopsy. [Anica signs.] Thanks. Anica: Wish me luck. Cameron: Good luck. [Outside sht, because this episode rams it down your throat that it is SNOWING. Cut to Cameron and Wilson.] Cameron: It was weird. She barely reacted at all. Wilson: I've had people hug me and people take a swing at me. Cameron: This was more like she didn't even hear me. [Chase and House are doing the biopsy.] Chase: Magnify three times. Wilson: House assisting. That is funny. Too bad Foreman's gonna die. [Cut to House entering a clinic room, where a young woman/teenager is lying on a bed with her legs up and a sheet over her... you know where this is going.] House: Good afternoon. I'm going to be looking at your - Perfect. Excuse me. [Picks up phone.] Need Dr. Foreman in Exam Room 1 for a consult. So when did this start? Woman: A couple weeks ago. I didn't want to get pregnant. Jake's not into rubbers so I got on the jelly. You think I'm allergic or something? House: You have an infection. Gonna need a sample. Woman: I brought the jar. House: No, I meant a sample of your - [He looks up to see her holding a bottle of strawberry jelly. [Oh boy.] Okay, we have a neurological problem here. Woman: There's something wrong with my brain? House: Oh yeah. You can cover yourself up, got what I need. [Foreman enters.] Foreman: What's up? House: Smell this. [He waves the swab in Foreman's face.] Smells like vaginosis, but it's not really my call. Foreman: Great, I'll be sure to put a gold star by your name on the board. Anica's biopsy for pancreatic cancer was negative. [He leaves.] House: Okay, I'm gonna give you some antibiotics, and you probably shouldn't have sex for awhile. Woman: How long? House: On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forever. [Cut to Diagnostics.] Chase: The mass in the pancreas is benign; it's probably just scar tissue. Foreman: Good news, she's not sick at all. Other than being an alcoholic. House: The labs you sent yesterday put her ACTH at 64 picograms per milliliter. She's got Cushing's, something set it off. It's gotta be in her brain, set her up for a venous sampling. [Chase starts to leave.] Cameron: There is another possibility. Foreman: Chase, hold on. [Chase stops.] House: How'd you get him trained so fast? Electronic collar? Got treats in your pocket? Cameron: She didn't even read the consent form for the pancreatic biopsy. Chase: Who reads those things? Cameron: Maybe she didn't read it because she knew there was nothing wrong with her. There is another explanation for the Cushing's; maybe she injected herself with the ACTH. Her behavior suggests Munchausen's. She's had four hospitalizations in the last four months. House: Well, being hospitalized a lot certainly points to nothing being wrong with you. Cameron: She's had zero symptoms since she got here. The scarring on her pancreas could be caused by injecting herself with a benzene and setting off the seizures. House: She's had brain surgery. You can fake a stomach ache; you can't fake a brain tumor. Cameron: You can fake an invisible one. We should check her apartment. Look for medications, syringes - House: Venous sampling's easier. Foreman: And more dangerous. House: Not if you get caught breaking in. Foreman: So don't get caught, House. [Cut to the parking lot.] Cameron: Why do you think Cuddy picked Foreman over me? Have I done something wrong or if there's something I needed to improve on... House: Would you shut up if I told you she wanted someone black? Cameron: How would you describe my leadership skills? House: Nonexistent. Otherwise, excellent. Cameron: There's more to being a leader than being a jerk! House: The world will never know. [He goes to his motorbike and turns it on.] Cameron: No, no way. It just snowed. House: Yesterday, streets are clear. [He throws her a helmet.] Cameron: My car is right there. House: There's construction on Elm. Bike will be faster. [Cameron puts on the helmet and gets on behind House.] [Cut to Anica's place of residence.] Cameron: There's even books in the bathroom. House: Well, either she's very smart or she has a severe fiber deficiency. Cameron: She's got an appointment with her ophthalmologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors, symptom of Munchausen's. House: Or, just thinking outside the box, here, she has a vagina, and trouble reading. There's three pairs of reading glasses, each with different prescriptions, which would be explained by a tumor pressing on the optic nerve. Cameron: Because you're looking for her to have a tumor. House: And you are looking for... A person with Munchausen's syndrome drinks battery acid; they don't go to an ophthalmologist to get their pupils dilated. Cameron: An ophthalmologist is a doctor. Attention is attention. House: How many hospitals have you contacted? Has one doctor said she's crazy? It's not Munchausen's! Cameron: It's not your call. [Cut to House's office.] House: If you think she's got Munchausen's then obviously you've got something to show the man! A syringe in her apartment, a bottle of ACTH. Foreman: Munchausen's patients are good at covering their tracks. House: Oh, right, so the fact that we found nothing proves that there's something. Cameron: Look at the pathology reports from the surgery she had in Chicago. They removed 30% of her pituitary, they found no tumor! Foreman: It's possible the surgeons just missed it. In that kind of surgery, you're just cutting and hoping - House: Of course! We're both right! Excellent solution. Everybody's happy. Come on, step up, Foreman. If you think I'm right, order me and stick a needle in her brain, and if you think Cameron's right, send the patient home. Either she'll be fine or she'll die. Foreman: Do the venous sampling. Get her consent. [Cameron rolls her eyes and leaves.] House: Nice move, boss. Way to cover your ass. Foreman: I just agreed with you. House: Not because you think I'm right. You're just taking the safe route. You're a wuss. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. [He starts to leave.] Hey Wilson, guess what Foreman just did! [Cut to Cameron entering Anica's room.] Anica: Hi. [Cameron places a bottle on the tray.] Cameron: This is a consent form to stick a wire into your brain. It's important for hospitals to get these signed for procedures that are completely unnecessary. Anica: Then why are you doing it? Cameron: Because you're mentlly ill. You injected yourself with ACTH to induce Cushing's to get attention from doctors, and so far it's worked. Anica: I'd like to see another doctor. Cameron: I'm not giving you what you want? Anica: I don't want a bitch. Cameron: Just sign the forms, okay, and I'll get out of here. Hopefully for you, whatever you injected yourself with won't wear off before you get the fun of a caring and concerned doctor cutting into your head. [Anica grabs the pen and scribbles her name. Cameron leaves. Anica eyes the bottle left on the tray.] [Cut to Cuddy's office.] Foreman: You chose me to make House miserable, didn't you? Cuddy: Apparently, he's making you miserable. That's impressive. Foreman: Find someone else. Cuddy: No. For the first time in six years I'm getting copied on experimental tests and procedures. Clinic hours have been logged and completed. You've given me four months of House's dictation so I can finally bill insurance companies - Foreman: I only did that stuff to prove that he couldn't make me miserable. Cuddy: Well, way to go! Now everybody's getting what they need, even House! He gets to play mad scientist and this department runs smoothly. Foreman: So I'm stuck with this for the next three weeks. Cuddy: Well, maybe longer. Would you be interested if this wasn't just pretend? [Cut to House's office.] House: What did Mommy say; I don't get any candy in my stocking? Foreman: Patient being prepped for the venous sampling? Cameron: Yeah. mentlly ill patient is right on track for a pointless procedure. Foreman: Yeah, we get your objection. [Phone rings; Chase picks it up and hands it to House who hands it to Foreman.] Foreman. Are you sure? That doesn't make any sense, check it again. We got to delay the venous sample. Cameron: Why, her urine turning orange? Foreman: How would you know that? Cameron: Because that's what rifampin does. Chase: She's not on antibiotics. Cameron: But if a Munchausen's patient thinks she's about to get busted, she sees pills labeled "Dangerous: Might cause seizures," she might grab a couple. And if that label were accidentally on a bottle of antibiotics and if that bottle was accidentally left in her room - Foreman: You set her up? Cameron: Might have. It's Munchausen's. All this, she did to herself. [Cut to House going through Anica's files.] [Cut to Cameron talking to Anica, who is crying orange tears.] Anica: I don't know what the hell you're talking about! I had a seizure, I'm sick, I need your help! Cameron: Not from this department. The half-life of rifampin is three hours, after that you'll get your psych referral, and your discharge papers. Anica: You know, just because you stick your fingers down your throat doesn't mean the rest of us are screwed up. Cameron: I guess when cooperation fails you move on to hostility. Anica: I didn't do this to myself. [Cameron leaves.] Chase: 100% commitment. Sign of a good liar. Foreman: Also the sign of a sociopath. What are you doing? House: Correcting your last note. We can't discharge her, she's sick. Anybody ever tell you, you write like a girl? Foreman: What? You got some other explanation for orange urine? It's Munchausen's. House: Correct, but not complete. Foreman: You just don't wanna admit that she skunked you. House: At the end of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," the wolf really does come, and he eats the sheep, and the boy, and his parents. Chase: The wolf doesn't eat the parents! House: It does when I tell it. Foreman: You're not telling the story now, I am. House: Look, I checked her records. All her hospitalizations were for different things. Brain tumor, fainting spells, skin rashes, seizures... she's had every blood test known to man and the results are all over the map. There's only one constant, low HCT. The anemia's real. Cameron: There's a million things she could have taken to have done that. House: True. Could just be her MO. She self-induces two illnesses, one always changes, one never does. Or maybe she has Munchausen's and aplastic anemia, which would mean without proper treatment she'd continue to get sicker, weaker; eventually she'll start bleeding internally and die. Foreman: She's not getting sicker. House: She will! Chase: If her bone marrow was dying the entire blood panel would be affected. Her white count's normal. House: So far. We need to do a bone marrow biopsy. Foreman: No, no more tests. House: Look, you kick her to the curb with a Munchausen's diagnosis; you're guaranteeing that no doctor will ever listen to her again. Foreman: We do more tests we'll only be feeding her psychosis. The more attention we give her, the more she'll want. House: What if she doesn't know we're testing her? Foreman: House, you were wrong. Live with it. House: There's probably some blood left over from previous tests. Cameron: Blood tests alone can't confirm aplastic anemia. House: Yes, I know. That's why I want to do a bone marrow biopsy. But blood tests could show a systemic disease, viral or a toxin cause. Foreman: Fine. You wanna test the extra blood, knock yourself out. But the patient is off-limits. House: And if the results are positive? I get my biopsy? It's the safe way to go. [Cut to the lab.] House: I need all of these tests and a PCR done on this sample. Lab tech: You're gonna need more blood. House: Patient's empty. Lab tech: Then I can't do it. [She passes the sample back to him.] House: You can try. Lab tech: i can try to look like Salma Hayek, that's not gonna make it happen. House: You may not have Salma's ass, but she doesn't have your eyes. Lab tech: Yeah, right. [She looks at him and he smiles.] How soon you need it? [Cut to Wilson's office.] Foreman: Dr. Wilson, can I talk to you about something in confidence? Wilson: Of course. Foreman: It's about House. Wilson: Oh, then no. [Foreman starts to leave.] Fine, I won't say anything. Foreman: Do you think there's any way House would take me seriously as his boss? Wilson: Where is this coming from? Did Cuddy say something? Foreman: We talked. She intimated. Wilson: And you want my advice on how to usurp him? It's very ancient Rome; you'll need a toga, of course, a sword... Foreman: It's not a coup. I just want to figure out some way we can work together. I mean, I keep the team running from an administrative point of view; House doesn't have to deal with the red tape. It's a win-win. Wilson: I'm sure he'll see it that way. Foreman: You have any advice on how to approach him? Deal with the guy? Wilson: No. Foreman: But you won't tell him we talked. Wilson: No. There's no way this is going to happen. [Foreman leaves.] [Cut to Foreman in Diagnostics. House enters, singing.] House: "See him walking down that street, so I ask you very confidentially, ain't he sweet?" Epstein-Barr titers are through the roof, most common viral cause of aplastic anemia. So what I'm saying is, "Just cast an eye in his direction, oh me oh my, ain't that perfection -" Foreman: Fetal hemoglobin's also elevated. House: Eh, just a wee bit. Could indicate - Foreman: Uh, you see that in sickle-cell. House: Not all sickle-cell patients are black. Foreman: None of her other blood panels showed any sign of sickle-cell, which means either something's changed drastically since yesterday, or this isn't her blood. House: Of course it is! Metaphorically. Look, I couldn't do the tests. I tried, there wasn't enough blood left over. If you just let me do the biopsy... [Cut to the hallway.] Chase: No way, I just got back from a suspension. House: And if it wasn't for me, you would have been fired. Chase: Why don't you just get the sample yourself? Since when do you care what your boss said? House: I don't care what anybody says, I care what they do. Right now, Blackpoleon Blackaparte has got the nurses on red alert, I can't get into the patient's room. So come on, I'll draw the enemy fre, you outflank them, get in there, get the bone marrow sample. Chase: Can't. House: Who are you more afraid of? Chase: I'm not afraid of Foreman. I agree with him, all the tests back him up. House: All the tests have not been done. You do realize that Blackaparte's reign is only temporary. Chase: I also realize that no matter what I do, you're still gonna treat me like crap. House: Crap is a relative term. [Cut to... Pathology, I think.] Chase: Never even made it into the room. Foreman: Nurses called the attending as the trocar was ordered. House: You used her real name? Cuddy: I just processed your patient's discharge papers. She's on her way out now. [Cut to Anica, trudging through the snow toward the cab.] House: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait up! It's all right, she's going to stay. Taxi driver: Wonderful. House: Oh, bite me. Anica: I don't need to hear the riot act again. House: How'd you like another medical test? Anica: What? House: Sit. Anica: Why? House: So you don't crack your skull when you pass out. Just do it. You know what colchicine is? Anica: No. House: Well, don't feel bad. It's for gout. It's got nothing to do with anything you've ever pretended to have. Anica: I'm not pretending to have any - House: Shut up. Colchicine decimates your white blood cells, leaves almost no trace. Great for faking your way into hospitals. Anica: I didn't fake my way - House: Shut up. You've been doing this for years. Don't worry, it's probably not your fault. When you were a kid, you had a close relative with a chronic disease, probably sister. And you saw all the attention she got while you were left alone, ignored, and it really, seriously screwed you up. Anica: I did not have a relative - House: Shut up! I'm trying to give you what you want, and save your life. You have aplastic anemia. Anica: What, are you trying to scare me now? House: It means you're not just sick in the head. The problem is, the rest of you appears well, so I've got to make you seem as sick as you're supposed to be by injecting you with a drug that simulates the symptoms that you actually have. All you need to know is, you've ht the Munchausen's jackpot. I'm going to give you a cocktail of insulin for seizure, and colchicine to kll your white blood count. This will absolutely confirm my diagnosis of aplastic anemia. There is one small catch. If you've actually done something to yourself to cause the anemia, then I'm wrong, and if I do what I plan to do, then the treatment will kll you instead of saving you. So I need to know, have you been taking anything besides the insulin, the ACTH, and the pills Cameron left in your room? Anica: No. House: Good. Give me your arm. [House sticks her with the needle.] Anica: It was my mom. She had MS. She was in and out of hospitals all the time. People were always trying to do things for her, bring her food, or brush her hair, make her happy. People cared. She died when I was 16. Then there was no one. House: Boo hoo. Anica: Where are you going? House: Well, I obviously can't be around when it happens. Anica: Well, what are you gonna do, you're just gonna leave me - House: Relax. You know the drill. People walk by here all the time, you'll be fine. [House walks back inside as Anica collapses and starts to seize.] [Cut to Diagnostics.] Foreman: So, barely out the door and she has another seizure. Chase: She must have somehow grabbed insulin on the way out. Foreman: Once she's sab we need to get her out of here, before she does more damage to herself. Cameron: We can't. Her white count's down. House: Sorry, I missed that. My hearing's been off since the Ricky Martin concert, some chulo kicked me in the head. Foreman: White count, hematocrit and platelets are all off. The bone marrow's shutting down, she actually has aplastic anemia. House: Say what? Cameron: All her other labs show nothing that - House: Labs schmabs. A good diagnostician reads between the labs. Foreman: You were right. House: Hey, hey, hey, we're not here to play the blame game. These things happen. Sometimes doctors send people out on the street to die after other doctors warned them that they were sending them out on the street to die. There's no way you could know. Foreman: I'll go give her the news. [Cut to Anica's room.] Anica: Who are you? Foreman: I'm Dr. Foreman; I'm in charge of your case. You have aplastic anemia, which means your bone marrow is shut down. Your body can't make new blood anymore. Anica: Are you sure? Foreman: I went back and checked your old records. It makes sense. The aplastic anemia has apparently been developing for months. I'm sorry, we should have caught it earlier. Anica: So it's not just the latest white count that's leading you to feel this way? Foreman: I know this is scary, but a bone marrow transplant could cure you. Anica: A marrow transplant could kll me. Foreman: The other option is weekly blood transfusions, injections of GCSF. It's a lifelong regimen. Anica: Yeah, I don't want that. Foreman: You sure? I don't want to be cruel, here, but you've jumped through a lot of hoops to get this sort of attention. Anica: I just want to be healthy. Foreman: It's not so much fun when you're actually sick. Anica: No. Foreman: We'll check the registry, see if there's a donor match. Anica: Thank you. [Cut to Wilson performing the procedure.] Wilson: We have to kll all the old bone marrow before we get to the new stuff. You'll have no immune system. We'll keep you in a sterile room for two weeks to make sure everything's dad, then we'll give you the donor marrow. It will take another couple weeks until it takes hold. You won't feel a thing. If you get uncomfortable for any reason and need to talk, don't yell. Walls are four inches thick, lead. Use the microphone. Are you ready? Anica: Okay. Where's Dr. House? [Cut to House looking at the racing stats in Anica's room. He smells something odd on her pillow, looks for her clothes, and then smells her bra.] [Cut to House, hightailing it into the procedure room.] House: Turn it off. Foreman: Now what? House: How long has she been in there? Wilson: Three minutes, what's going on? House: She doesn't have aplastic anemia. She has an infection. Cameron: No, her white count would be through the roof, hers is on the floor. House: The body does crazy things. Foreman: The body does crazy things. Well, that explains everything! Chase: She had no fever. House: Because her self-inflicted Cushing's suppressed her immune system, stopped her from having a fever, hid the infection. Clostridium perfringens could cause the bruising, the schistocytes, the anemia... Chase: Explains everything except the white count. House: Augmentin is a lot safer than destroying her immune system, why don't we try that? Foreman: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're taking the safe course? What's going on? House: There's lots of explanations for low white count. Cameron: Name one that fits her case. House: Colchicine. I figured that she got her hands on it and just, uh, self-medicated. Foreman: That's brilliant of her. Take the exact medication that would confirm your diagnosis. House: People do crazy things. Foreman: You injected her against her will just so you could be right. House: She consented. Foreman: She's ment*lly ill! House: She smells oh, so sweet. [Cut to House confirming his diagnosis on Anica.] House: She would have gotten sicker when I said she was gonna get sicker except Cameron dosed her with antibiotics. Just hold this. Anica: Is everything okay? House: Hold my finger. [He cuts one of her bruises and smells it.] Grapey. You have a bacterium. It's on all of us, but the bruises you gave yourself with the Cushing's made it a lovely home. [It's CGI time!] Bacteria moved in, parked their cars on the lawn, there goes the neighborhood. And by neighborhood, I mean your internal organs. So, should we put her on the Augmentin, boss, or do you think she infected herself with grapes? I love the smell of pus in the morning. Smells like... victory. [Cut to Cuddy's office.] Foreman: If you were serious about the offer, I'm serious about accepting. I'd like to run the department. You said it yourself, things run smooth. Cuddy: Except for the part where House went behind your back and KO'd the patient with insulin and colchicine. Foreman: There was no reason to suspect an infection. Even House didn't think it was an infection. You would have done the same thing I did. Cuddy: And I'd be just as wrong. What House did was insane, but he saved her life. Foreman: He got lucky. Cuddy: He got her to admit she's got a problem. She's agreed to outpatient treatment. He gets lucky a lot. Foreman: Did you ever really intend to give me this job, or were you just trying to stop me from stepping down? Cuddy: Well, you've got two more weeks in charge. Hopefully the next case will go better. Foreman: She should have died. House is not a hero. A person who has the guts to break a bad rule, they're a hero. House doesn't break rules, he ignores them. He's not Rosa Parks, he's an anarchist. All he stands for is the right for everyone to grab whatever they want, whenever they want. You tell doctors that's okay, your mortality rate is gonna go through the roof. [Cut to the lobby.] House: Kinda digging this whole "Foreman in charge" thing. Frees me up to watch my soaps, catch a movie in the afternoon, have lunch with you... Wilson: Yeah, that's a big change for you. House: Now Cuddy's on Foreman's ass, not mine. [They walk out of the hospital together.] Wilson: You couldn't live with Foreman as your boss. House: Why not? People could change, you know? [Cut to Anica at the ER of another hospital.] Doctor: Your white count is way down. We're going to need to admit you, just run a few tests. Anica: Whatever you think is best. [Cut to House at the OTB parlor.] House: Last race at Belmont, put it all on the five. To win.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x09 - Deception"}	foreverdreaming
(Scene opens on a banner saying "Happy Retirement Greta!" in an office, there's a party on) Fletcher: So there I am on my 25th birthday, driving from Wheeling, West Virginia to Benson Hurst in a dodge dart with no radio, and a gn-runner named Barrel-Head, who insisted we sing every Jimmy Buffet song he could recall. What could I say? The man was heavily armed. [Audience laughs] So five hundred renditions of "margaritaville" later, my first cover. Eight thousand words on how Barrel-Head and his friends were transporting gn for sale to New York City. The day the magazine hits the stands, the DA ht me with a supina. He wanted to know Barrel-Head's real name, and Greta had been Managing Editor for three whole days, so she invited me across the street to the fancy bar where they... use real glasses (twirls the paper cup he's holding). And after about the 6th vodka and tonic, she said "Fletch, I want you to know the magazine is behind you!" Well, I was impressed, I said "do you think you could get the DA off my back?" and she said "No, but when you get out of jail you'll still have a job." [Audience laughs again] I'm 45; I've given up a lot. Given up the road, that life. Thanks Elizabeth, no regrets, my lovely wife. I've given up drinking, I've given up drugs. Greta taught me there's two things you never give up - one's rock and roll, the other's a source. [Makes a toast] Greta Sims! [Everyone starts clapping and whooping and joining the toast] I only hope you can adjust to the lack of stress in your-- [he suddenly falls sideways and cracks his head on the edge of a desk, then falls on to the floor] Elizabeth: Fletch?! Fletch? Fletcher? [Rushes to his side] Fletch? Fletcher? [She tries to shake him] Greta: Fletcher? Elizabeth: Honey? Sweetie? Are you ok? [Fletcher starts to open his eyes and comes to with a gasp] Are you ok? [She looks relieved] Fletcher: [amused] I flung the investment. [Everyone laughs] Elizabeth: What did you say? [she and another person help him to stand back up] Fletcher: [hand rubbing his head] Umm... flung the investment... why I can sign. [chuckles] Why can sign? [everyone's looking at in shock and confusion] Greta: I'll call 911 Fletcher: It's proficient! [looks at his wife, trying to comfort her] Why disqualify the rush? I'm tabled. I'm tabled! (Scene opens on Foreman lounging in House's chair, checking out a patient's folder and whistling) Cuddy: [walks in] Need your advice, what's the best diagnostics department within 60 miles of here? Foreman: We are. Cuddy: "We" aren't here. House is in Baltimore lying to Medicaid about his billings. Foreman: So? I'm board certified. Cuddy: You, are not House. Foreman: Why'd you put me in charge of the department if you think I can't handle it? Cuddy: Because it's temporary, and because I was ordered to. Foreman: What are the symptoms? Cuddy: Oh come on! You're going to diagnose him without meeting him? Prove that you're as brilliant as House? Foreman: I need to know the symptoms to know which hospital to recommend. Cuddy: EMT's report - patient struck his head and is suffering from aphasia. Foreman: Hmm! Neurological problem. Now I know a lot of good people in that field, seeing as I happen to BE a neurologist. Cuddy: You're pouting. Foreman: Not at all! Taylor's pretty good. House was ready to hire him until he got my resume. Cuddy: It's Fletcher Stone. Wrote 12 books? Exposed 3 administrations? Before he exposes us-- Foreman: I get it. Famous patient needs famous doctor. I'll call Taylor. Cuddy: Thank you. Foreman: Or... maybe you should call him? What if I say something stupid? [Cuddy looks back at Foreman who's raising a challenging eyebrow] Cuddy: Oh god [rolls her eyes] House is easier! [throws the file down on the table] (Cut to Chase examining the reaction of Fletcher's pupils) Chase: Have you been taking any drugs? Fletcher: I displaced my function...back late. Elizabeth: He used to drink regularly, but he's been clean and sober for nearly a year. Foreman: Mr. Stone, you think you're speaking normally, but your speech is impaired. [turns to Elizabeth] He knows what he wants to say, but when he reaches for a word, he finds something else. Fletcher: I grapple average. [Everyone turns to look at him] Cancer glisten. Elizabeth: He doesn't know that he's saying it wrong? Foreman: It all sounds right to him. [he takes a pad of paper and a pen out and turns to Fletcher] I want you to write your name, and draw a face. [Fletcher gives a "are you kidding me?" face and tries to write, but he can't even form a letter or do a straight line] Cameron: It's called agraphia. Loss of ability to write. Most often it's temporary. Foreman: How hard did he ht his head? Elizabeth: It was a pretty good crack. It made a really ugly sound. Foreman: [turns back to Fletcher again] Do you understand what I'm saying? Fletcher: Of gulf! Foreman: Now give me a sentence. Just a yes or a no. You understand me? Fletcher: [struggles for a few seconds] ... Yes. Greta: [walks in in a bit of a rush] Elizabeth! Fletch! Is he ok? Elizabeth: We don't know. [turns to the doctors] This is... uhh... Fletcher's editor. Greta: Greta Sims. I wanted to make sure the EMT's told you the right story. Chase: How many stories are there? Greta: He didn't trip. He just fell, out of the blue. His foot jerked a little bit first, that's what made it look like a trip. (Scene cuts to House and Stacy sitting together in an office, waiting for the Medicaid staff) Stacy: Don't say anything; don't attempt to defend your billing practices, your billing practices are indefensible. House: We've been over this. Stacy: If I thought you were capable of listening, I'd shut up. House: That makes no sense at all. [Medicaid Guy comes in] Medicaid Guy: Good afternoon. Stacy: [stands up to shake his hand] Good afternoon. [House just sits there fiddling with his cane] Medicaid Guy: Every case you have rates a 5 on the complexity scale. Stacy: Doctor House has a rather specialised practice. Medicaid Guy: Ah. Okay. Then let's go through these. [starts shuffling through the mountain of folders on the desk] House: All of these? Medicaid Guy: If you have lunch reservations, cancel them. All right... patient. (Scene cuts to the team discussing the case in the conference room) Foreman: If he didn't trip, something made him fall. Stroke? Seizure? Chase: Thirty people saw him trip, one person says he didn't. Who are we going to believe? Cameron: His symptoms can all be explained by the head trauma. Causes a contusion or a seizure, that causes the aphasia. We should get an EEG. Foreman: If it was a stroke, could be a clotting issue. Chase: Even if he fell, drug use is far more likely. I'm ordering a tox screen [opens the door ready to leave] Foreman: Chase, we're not done with the differential. Chase: [furrows his brow] You're not my boss. Foreman: I'm House's boss, House is your boss. The math is pretty simple. Chase: Are you signing my paychecks? Are you hiring or fring? Foreman: This is not about that. Chase: The only thing you've been asked to do is supervise House incase he does something insane. Cameron: Which might, you know, save a life. Foreman: Somebody's gotta be in charge! Cameron: Why? Foreman: What? You think we should all do whatever we want to do? Maybe have a race to the diagnosis. Cameron: I think it should be a discussion among peers! I think we're grown up enough to reach a consensus. [Foreman and Chase reluctantly agree] Medicaid guy: Patient, 62-yrs-old. You prescribed Viagra. I look in vain for the words 'erectile dysfunction' in the notes for Delores Smith? House: She had a heart condition. Medicaid guy: And you ran out of nitroglycerin? House: She also had low blood pressure, so nitro would be dangerous. Little blue pills improve blood flow, they're vasodilators. That's why you sometimes get the headaches. Stacy: I think Doctor House understands-- House: Well of course I do. The woman has a heart condition and she's on her own. A man can't nail his office assistant, its national crisis time. Medicaid guy: Are you seriously expecting us to foot the bill for off-label use of medication? House: Fine, I'll pay for it. [reaches for his wallet] How much are the pills? She took how many? Stacy: [hits House] Put the money away! Medicaid guy: Are you trying to bribe me? House: No! I could. There's an ATM in the lobby. Stacy: My client's an idiot. [House turns to look at her in surprise] But is he wrong about the pills? Medicaid guy: Off-label use is not sanctioned-- Stacy: You're retiring in three weeks. You've been doing this job nearly twenty years, aren't you tired of administering policy you disagree with? Medicaid guy: I never said I disagreed with-- Stacy: What can they do to you? And Doctor House is sorry [pointed look to House] about his earlier outburst. House: Absolutely! [pathetically insincere ;) ] (Cut to House and Stacy walking out to the lobby) House: You do background checks on Medicaid personnel? Stacy: I do what's necessary for my client. [checks her watch] Wow! New personal record! House: Yeah, time's good for me too. Got a reservation at a little place near the harbour. Stacy: You booked us dinner reservations? House: Best Maryland crab in... Maryland. Stacy: Don't you have a plane to catch? House: Not for hours. Stacy: Your flight leaves at 7. House: You did a background check on me? Stacy: And mine doesn't leave until 9pm. It looks like you'll be dining alone. House: You checked on my flight, so you could be sure to be on a different one. Thought we were past the avoidance stage. Stacy: I didn't think we'd be finished this soon. House: Where's your crucifix? Stacy: I left it at the jeweller's to be cleaned. [she walks away] House: Riiight. (Cut to Ducklings performing tests) Foreman: [using ultrasound machine on Fletcher's throat] This will show us if there's a problem with your carotid artery that might cause a blood clot. If it went to his brain, it could explain the aphasia and the falling down. Elizabeth: [looks at Cameron] And you're giving him an EEG, is that for the same thing? Cameron: Uh, it's just a precaution. We think the trauma caused some swelling and we need to keep him sab until the body can repair the damage. Greta: [looks at Chase] And you think they're both wrong. Foreman: We're just covering all the bases. Being safe. [Fletcher starts to choke, alarms start beeping] Chase: His 02 stats are going down! Foreman: [listens to Fletcher's lungs with his stethoscope] Fluid in his lungs Cameron: Push 40 IV. [Chase fits an oxygen mask over Fletcher's face to help him breathe] Foreman: We need to intubate, he's losing his respiratory drive [All the ducklings rush to open the drawer to get the instruments for intubating at the same time. Foreman glares Cameron and Chase off after an awkward moment and they continue the intubation successfully] (Cut to scene of Elizabeth kissing Fletcher's forehead and stroking his forehead as he lies on the bed intubated) (Cut to Ducklings looking at a chest X-ray) Foreman: And then there were two. Aphasia and fluid in the lungs. Seizure can't cause both. Cameron: Neither can a stroke. Foreman: Unless he had an abnormal heart rhythm. Chase: And then there was one. [shows them the newly delivered fax] Urine test is positive for amphetamines. Foreman: Amphetamines don't cause pulmonary edema. Chase: They do if you smoke them. Foreman: In one of his books, he talked about giving up drugs and alcohol, how it changed his life. Chase: [seats himself in House's chair] Everybody lies. [starts playing with House's ball] (Cut to Wilson listening sympathetically to a nurse who is sobbing her eyes out... in the hospital cafeteria?) Nurse: When he started wanting to hear every minute of my day, it should have been a clue he was the jealous type. But you know, in that first stage of a relationship [Wilson makes the gesture that he TOTALLY understands ;)] where it it's like your body's full of these chemicals that make you think everything they do is... charming. [Wilson's mobile starts to ring] Wilson: Uhhh... [looks at the caller ID] Excuse me. [picks up the phone] Hello. [Scene cuts to House sitting in the airport, it's snowing heavily outside] House: Hey honey, how are the kids? They miss me? Wilson: [hands the nurse a tissue and gets out of the booth he's seated in] This may take a minute. House: What's new with Mr Aphasia? Wilson: Cuddy called you? House: Everybody covers their ass. Wilson: Pulmonary edema. Chase did a tox screen, came back positive for amphetamines, he did the dance of victory. House: I'm betting there's another shoe. Wilson: I thought the kids didn't call you. [A kid sitting behind House in the airport bounces a ball on the back of House's chair. House turns around to glare at the kid] House: I know the way you tell stories. Wilson: Foreman went to talk to Stone about his drug test, found him running a temperature. House: So it's not the drugs. He's just got such a bad rep. [Ball bounces on the back of the chair again; House turns around and glares at the kid AGAIN] Kid's Mother: Honey, you shouldn't do that. House: Ok, I gotta hang up. They're probably trying to reach me. Wilson: You don't have call waiting? House: I'm hanging up on you now. Wilson: its five dollars a month. [House hangs up; ball bounces on the back of his seat again] (Cut to the 'Kids' in the Conference room) Cameron: Drugs don't cause fever! Foreman: Encephalitis or meningitis are the obvious suspects. Start him on antibiotics. Cameron: It could be an auto-immune disease. Lupus, Bichette's... we could start him on a high dose of steroids. [phone in the office starts to ring] Chase: Except if he does have encephalitis, steroids could weaken his immune system. Foreman: [goes to pick up the phone] Foreman. House: How high a fever? [Foreman raises his eyebrows in surprise] Put me on speakerphone. And why haven't you called me? Foreman: [puts House on speakerphone] 101. How'd you know? House: What, you think you guys could have a party as soon as the parents are gone and I won't hear about it? [Chase and Cameron get up from their seats to surround the speakerphone] Start with broad spectrum antibiotics for possible bacterial meningitis, and an anti-viral incase we luck out and its herpes encephalitis. Cameron: What if it's auto-immune? House: Well then we're screwed. Which is why we need more information. [the kid from before is scrambling under House's chair trying to look for his ball] Any genetic issue with the family? Foreman: The man can't talk, his medical records are sketchy, and wife's only known him a couple of years. House: MRI show anything? Foreman: CT scan was negative. House: CT... that's like, short for MRI, right? Excellent, well I guess that saves us a lot of time. Chase: We've got an MRI scheduled in 20 minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine. House: I teach you to lie, and cheat, and steal, as soon as my back is turned you wait in line? [the kid has gone back to his seat and House takes out the kid's ball from his jacket pocket] Get an MRI, and get a better medical history. Foreman: The man can't talk! House: Who cares? He's probably going to lie anyway. My flight's a little late; we'll be back in a few hours. [they put down the phones] Cameron: So... you're in charge of us because you're in charge of him? [Chase gives a disgruntled Foreman a pat on the back] (Cut to scene of Chase asking Fletcher questions as Fletcher is being wheeled out of his room in a wheelchair) Chase: Any family history of neurological problems? Fletcher: No. Chase: Have you been out of the country in the last 5 years? Fletcher: [darts a look backwards and cautiously...] Yes. Chase: 3 years? Fletcher: Yes. Chase: 2 years? (Cut to scene of Cameron asking Elizabeth questions alone) Elizabeth: He stopped travelling for work 2 years ago, after we got serious. Cameron: Any vacations? Elizabeth: His last one was 6 months ago; it was a golf resort... (Cut to Foreman asking Greta questions alone) Greta: No way it was a golf resort. Knowing Fletch, I assume he was working his way through every bar in the Keys. Last hoorah before settling down. (Cut back to Chase and Fletcher) Chase: Alcohol? Fletcher: No. Chase: Amphetamines? Fletcher: No. Chase: You tested positive. [Fletcher gives him a look] (Cut to Cameron and Elizabeth) Elizabeth: He doesn't use drugs, I told you. When we got engaged, we decided we wanted a different kind of life. And he dropped the macho-journalism, no more taking crazy chances. That includes his health. (Cut to Foreman and Greta) Greta: He asked me not to tell Elizabeth. Foreman: He's been lying to her about his drug habit? Greta: Well... yes and no. BE, before Elizabeth, he used drugs recreationally. I wasn't crazy about it, but that thrill-seeking behaviour is what made him the kind of journalist that he was. Foreman: And... now? AE? Greta: Man's twisted himself into knots for her. Completely cleaned up his act. Foreman: But the drugs...? Greta: They're medicinal. Sort of. He was having trouble sleeping. New suburban lifestyle, lack of excitement was throwing him off. Foreman: So he started with sleeping pills. Greta: When they knocked him out, he needed something to perk him back up during the day. (Cut to Chase and Fletcher) Chase: Every day? [Fletcher nods] No slippery slip there. [Chase turns the MRI on, but Fletcher suddenly grabs Chase's arm. Chase quickly stops the machine] Fletcher: Keep the stain, Knfe can't force. [urgent tone to his voice] Chase: We're not going to tell your wife. We're not cops. [MRI continues] (Cut to Foreman showing Fletcher and Elizabeth the MRI scan of Fletcher's brain) Foreman: There's a little edema, brain swelling. And an area of scarring. Elizabeth: Is that what's causing the aphasia? Foreman: Actually, that's what's odd. The scarring is not in the area of the brain normally associated with conduction aphasia. And it's old. Happened before he ht his head. Maybe a small stroke or some other underlying condition that could be causing this or it might have nothing to do with it at all. [looks at Fletcher] Have you ever had head trauma before? An accident? [Fletcher shakes his head] Ever had any numbness on one side before? Dizziness? Fletcher: What is the durable? [Elizabeth quiets him down] No. (Cut to House buying coffee in the airport. It's snowing very heavily outside and all the planes are grounded and being delayed) [He sees Stacy walking in and they sit together on the airport chairs. He opens up the brown paper bag he's carrying and takes out a cup of coffee for Stacy] House: Got you some coffee. [he takes out another cup for himself and throws the bag away. He proceeds to fidget and tap his fingers on the coffee cup] So... what do you want to talk about? (Cut to the 'Kids' discussing in front of the Nurse's station) Cameron: A scarring on the MRI could mean anything. MS, toxins, anyone of a hundred demyelinating diseases. Chase: If it's meningitis, we have to ID the bug fast. We need to do a lumbar puncture. Foreman: Not doing an LP with this edema. We could paralyse him. Cameron: What does House say? Foreman: Person you're trying to reach is out of the area, or has turned off their phone. Chase: So what are your orders? Foreman: We need more information. Chase: There is no more information! Foreman: [slyly] We'll break into his place. [The kids spot Cuddy walking towards them] Cameron: [softly] Have fun. [quickly walks off] Cuddy: How's the patient? Foreman: Fine. [Chase and Foreman quickly walk off] Cuddy: Where are you going? Foreman: Dinner. Cuddy: Oh well I'll join you and you can bring me up to speed. Foreman: Oh, sorry. Reservation for two. (Cut to House and Stacy at the airport) House: When people give themselves away, it's by little things. That woman over there, she's not sneering at her coffee, she's recovering from Bell's palsy. And the cashier at the coffee place, she doesn't want anybody to know she's dying of ALS. There's a particular sort of twitchy stiff arm that's characteris. And then there's you. Why aren't you wearing your cross? Stacy: [exasperated] Oh, I told you I left it-- House: You keep jewellery cleaner under the sink so you won't have to go a day without it. True, you forgot it that morning that our pipes burst, but then you went back and waded through the flood to retrieve it. Soo... why no wading today? Stacy: Didn't you bring a book to read or something? [House looks innocently away and drinks his coffee] (Cut to Chase and Foreman searching Fletcher's office) Foreman: Nothing. [Chase takes out two bottles of pills from a drawer] Foreman: Caffeine pills, and amphetamines. Same stuff he told us he was taking. Chase: [finds a third bottle] Topamax. Foreman: Anticonvulsive? He said there was no history of prior seizures. Chase: It's not even prescribed to him. Foreman: Still doesn't explain his fever. Probably just using it for weight loss. Chase: Which gives us another lie. Must really be devoted. Should we check the home? Foreman: He wanted to hide something from his wife, why wouldn't he hide it in the office? Chase: Then maybe she's hiding something. (They search the home) Chase: Nothing but aspirin and flu meds in the bathroom. Foreman: [pulls back a plastic cover sheet and finds an unfinished building project for new kitchen cabinets] Looks like this stuff's been sitting here for weeks. Chase: Hmm, home improvement. He probably thought he could take the project on, then realised it was a little more than he could handle. Foreman: You got a point to make? Or did you just feel like giving a long unnecessary explanation for something medically irrelevant? Chase: What happened to the Foreman who always has an answer? The guy who practically wears a sign saying "I'm as good as House, but I'm nicer". Foreman: I never said that. Chase: I guess it's safe to be confident when House is there to overrule you. Now that it's all on you... Foreman: It's different. Yeah. (Cut back to House and Stacy in the airport) House: [is reading a book entitled "LESBIAN PRISON STORIES" ;)] Either you left it behind on purpose, or by mistake. The only reason you'd leave it behind intentionally, is if it no longer meant anything to you. [Stacy gives him a long-suffering look] But since it was a gift from your mom, that would mean you had a fight with her. But since you don't talk to ghosts, that's unlikely. Stacy: Leave it alone, Greg. House: Yeah, I'm good at that. So that leaves forgetting it unintentionally, but then we'd have to explain why you didn't go back for it when you realised. Stacy: I didn't realise until I got to the airport. House: Nope, you were in make-up when you got to the airport. Can't put on make-up without looking at yourself and you can't look at yourself without touching that thing. Stacy: Why does this matter to you? House: It's an anomaly. Anomalies bug me. Stacy: Then you're going to suffer. [she goes back to reading her newspaper] (Cut back to the hospital, Fletcher is grunting in pain, the wife is panicking, Cameron rushes in) Elizabeth: I think it's his stomach! Fletcher: A till in the jug. Cameron: Was it something you ate? Fletcher: [takes a fork and sticks out his tongue, then runs the fork down his tongue] Elizabeth: He keeps doing that. Fletcher: I... teelingent! Elizabeth: Are you hungry? Fletcher: No! Cameron: No, he's in pain. Is it a sharp pain? Fletcher: No! [taps his tongue with the fork] Teo... indigen! Cameron: Taste? Fletcher: Yes! Cameron: A... a metallic taste? Fletcher: YES! Cameron: I'll be right back. (Back to the airport) House: I suppose it's also possible that the clasp broke, but then you'd be carrying the thing around in your purse. Stacy: We had a fight. [she turns around and snaps at him] We had a fight and I was angry and not thinking straight, and I walked out without my make-up and without my cross! I stopped at the drug store to buy make-up, but I couldn't buy a cross because they don't have an aisle for personal talismans!!! House: [immediately contrite] So you had a fight, I'm sure it'll blow over. Stacy: It was about nothing. House: Of course it was. Mark's tired, he's worried, he's got mobility problems. It's normal that he'd blow up over little things. Stacy: I don't mind fighting over little things! I don't even mind fighting over big things! That I could understand. But we fight over nothing! You know a mailbox with a sign that says "last pick-up 5pm", does that mean last pick-up to go to the post office, or last pick-up to leave the post office and be sent out of town? House: You fought over mail delivery? [winces] Stacy: I tried to get him to drop the subject, but he wouldn't. I told him he was right, he thought I was being condescending! House: You were. Stacy: He's pushing me out of his life. House: Maybe you're misinterpreting. Stacy: Did I misinterpret with you? At least this time I recognise it. That's the bitter bit of convincing the two men you ever loved they're better off without you. House: [rolls his eyes] Yeah, it's all your fault. You know Stacy in the original Greek means relationship kller. Stacy: [laughs softly] I'm going to go wash my face so I look like a grown-up again. [House nods and she turns to walk away when her mobile rings] Stacy: Hello? [she hands the phone to House] It's for you. House: House. (Cut to Wilson calling from a phone at the nurse's station) Wilson: Do you know your phone's dad? Do you ever recharge your batteries? House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones. Wilson: I thought you should know your aphasia guy is tasting metal. House: What's his creatinine? Wilson: 6.8 He's got kidney failure. Cameron's got him on dialysis and he's sab for the moment - unlike Cuddy, who's suicidal. (Cut to Cuddy and the kids in the Conference room. Cuddy's pacing) Foreman: It's either meningitis or encephalitis. [Cameron glares] Or maybe auto-immune. Cuddy: That's perfect. Seems like you really narrowed it down over dinner! Here's the plan, we talk to House-- Chase: We've been trying; he's not answering his cell. Foreman: It's obvious we have to do the lumbar puncture, there's no choice anymore. [the phone starts ringing, Foreman picks it up and it goes to speakerphone] House: You have to do it just right. Foreman: What are you talking about? House: Either you've decided to do a lumbar puncture, or you have to fre me so that I can't fre all of you as soon as I get back in charge. Is Cuddy there ranting? Cuddy: If I'd known you'd be out of contact-- House: They can handle it. Cuddy: Right. So far only 3 organ systems have failed. House: Ok, they can't. Doesn't matter, guy's not sab enough to move. So go rant in your own office. Cuddy: Fine. Call me when you're done. [she walks to the door but then leans against the wall. She crosses her arms and waits for the Ducklings to continue as if she weren't there] Chase: What do you mean by doing the LP just right? We're not going to screw up. House: The odds are, this guy knows something we don't. Foreman: He could know the answer to the meaning of life, the man can't communicate! House: Have you had any indication that he's tried to communicate something important? Cameron: No. House: That's cuz you guys haven't scared him enough. I'm sure you've been all "oh we'll take read good care of you", why should he say anything? When you prep him, tell him he's going to die. Crush all hope. Don't let Cameron do it. Cuddy, you got a problem with any of that? [The Ducklings look at Cuddy who seems a little speechless] (Cut to Foreman and Chase talking to Fletcher and wife) Foreman: You're scheduled for a lumbar puncture, but you shouldn't count on that having any answers. If your husband continues to decline... Chase: You'll die. If there's anything you haven't told us...? [Fletcher shakes his head] (Cameron's performing the lumbar puncture on Fletcher) Cameron: How are you holding up? I know what you just heard is as scary as hell, but... [Fletcher suddenly turns over and grabs Cameron's arm] Fletcher: I couldn't tackle the bear. Couldn't tackle the bear. They took my stain! (Cut to the airport) Announcement: Attention please, due to weather conditions, our flights are grounded until further notice. Cots are being provided on the lower level. We apologise for the inconvenience. House: Want me to run down and reserve you a cot with view? Stacy: Where's your knapsack? House: Checked it through. Stacy: Oh, that's right. I forgot it was hard for you to carry and walk. I booked a room at the airport hotel when I saw about the weather; it was the last one available. Your leg can't handle a night on a cot. House: Thanks. [he looks shocked and stunned into quietness] Stacy: I'm ready. House: Right. Stacy: The hotel's upstairs. House: Does Mark know about this? Stacy: Mark knows when things are bad I always like to have an escape route planned. (Cut to them entering the hotel room. It's very spacious and it has a double bed) House: [closes the door] I have to know what's going on here. Cause when you have a fight with Mark, and you try to avoid me, I have to think that-- Stacy: That I'm feeling vulnerable and I don't want to be around you because it might lead to something. House: Right. But then a hotel room... Stacy: Might also lead to something. House: Hmm. So... which is it? Stacy: Our relationship is like an addiction. It's... like... House: Really good drugs? Stacy: No, it's like... vindaloo curry. House: Ok, sure... Stacy: Really really hot Indian curry they make with red chilli peppers. House: I know what it is! Didn't think it was addictive. Stacy: You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like... vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine but no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really really long time but you wake up one day and you think... god I really miss curry. [By this point she's walked up to House and they're standing less than a half a metre apart] House: [puts his hand under her chin and raises her face up so he can see] Stacy: You're a jerk. House: I know [he smiles and dumps his cane on the bed as he moves in closer to put his hands on her waist and then leans in kiss her on the lips. After 3 kisses, he moves back] If you hadn't just had a fight with Mark... Stacy: [grabs his face in her hands] For once in your life will you shut up? [she pulls him down and they lock lips again. He holds her close to him and she strokes his jaw as they go for it.] [The mobile phone rings] [Stacy makes an exclamation of exasperation, and she pulls House's head down for one final kiss before she lets him go and he picks up the phone] House: House. (Cut to the kids in House's office) Foreman: You're on speakerphone. House: How did the LP go? Give me the reader's digest condensed version. [While House is on the phone, Stacy reaches under House's coat and caresses him] Chase: Preliminary results are some kind of infection, which... narrows it down... [House and Stacy exchange another kiss] House: From infinity, yeah. Chase: At the rate his organs are deteriorating, he's got maybe a day or two. House: Ok! Well, call me back when you have something. [he takes the phone away from his ear, probably about to put it down even as Stacy leans in for another kiss, when Cameron's voice cuts through] Cameron: He was trying to tell us something! House: [hesitates, then reluctantly puts the phone back against his ear] What did he say? Cameron: [looking very dishevelled] You were wrong, it wasn't the fear. He opened up to me when I... House: Sympathetic presence after a traumatic moment. [He steps away from Stacy reluctantly] Classic interrogation technique. What did he say? Cameron: You knew that I'd-- House: Act the way you always do? Yeah, I did. What did he say? [Stacy sits back on to the bed as she waits for House to finish the call] Cameron: He couldn't tackle the bear. Foreman: Now all we need is the English aphasic dictionary. House: A fluent aphasic retrieves words that are stored somewhere close to the one he wants. They can be filed by sounds or by meaning. So if he wants to say table, he could say... label, or he could say chair. Or he could just say Jabberwocky, there's no way to tell. [Stacy starts twirling House's cane in the approved twirling method ;) as she lies on the bed] Cameron: He also said "they took my stain"? House: Hold on. [he puts the phone against his chest, Stacy sits up on the bed] Uhh... I'm going to take this phone downstairs, so I don't disturb you. Is that ok? [he takes his cane from her] Stacy: Sure. House: [into the phone] Keep him talking. Write down everything he says. [as he opens the door of the room, he looks back at her] Stacy, that new make-up you bought, do you mind if I borrow it? (Cut to the kids trying to talk to Fletcher, Elizabeth is sitting on a couch at the back of the room) Cameron: What did you mean by stain? Dirty? Soiled? Fletcher: No... no. Foreman: What about rhymes? Pain? Brain? Chase: Thain? Elizabeth: He is dying from some kind of infection and you all are playing word games? Cameron: Is there anything else you haven't told us? Fletcher: [doesn't respond for a few seconds, but he finally shakes his head] Foreman: Let's start this again. Bear - is it bare as in naked? [Fletcher looks disappointed and lays his head back on the pillow] (Cut to House sitting on the floor of the airport under announcement screens. The opposite wall made of plasterboard has been written over in make-up with the two sentences Fletcher mentioned. He's also written out what else Fletcher could have meant when he said those words. House is staring at the words he wrote while bouncing the pink ball he stole from the kid earlier on. His coat is off, he's still dressed in black shirt, jeans and sneakers. It's almost 3.30AM according to the clock) [Stacy walks up to him, she's got her coat off too. She's brought the phone charger down with her] House: Crimson desire shows up well on sheet rock. Stacy: That's why I chose it. [They smile at each other, she hands him the charger and they continue to stare at the words he wrote on the wall] (Cut to the kids in the conference room. The whiteboard there has the same sentences said by Fletcher, and their attempts to decipher what Fletcher was trying to say) House: Well you must have gotten one new phrase out of him, something? Foreman: We've been talking to him for hours. Maybe he's just given up. [Stacy is curled up asleep on the airport chairs, using House's coat as a pillow. House is pacing as he talks on the phone] House: Are you sure you told me everything you found in his home and office? Chase: No, we're hiding something. Foreman: Maybe it's not a rhyme or a synonym. Chase: What else is there? You think we should start guessing randomly? Cameron: Maybe House is wrong. House: [surprised] Hope that's not the end of the thought. [he unplugs the charger so he can pace further afield] Cameron: He mentioned stain once before when Chase was giving him the MRI. Before we scared him! Chase: He did? Cameron: It's in your notes. Chase: So he only talks during MRI's and lumbar punctures? Your theory is he can only talk with a needle in his back or-- Cameron: When his wife's not in the room. [Foreman and Chase suddenly realise what Cameron says is true] The more devoted, the more reason to lie. House: That's cynical! Cameron: You disagree? House: No, I'm just felling. [exaggerates in a voice filled with tears] Our little girl is growing up! Ok, what's the best way to rip a woman from the side of her dying husband? (Cut to Cuddy walking into the hospital very early in the morning) Cuddy: You woke me up to lie to a patient's wife? Foreman: Tell her there's been a miscommunication over their insurance coverage. Not a big deal. Cuddy: Tell me, if it is your aim to sell me the same crazy idea as that House does, how are you an improvement on House? Foreman: I... brought you a coffee? [offers her the cup of coffee he's been holding] (Cut back to the airport, the flights are no longer delayed. House pops a vicodin as he continues staring at the wall) Stacy: Your flight's been boarding for 20 minutes! House: I'll take a later one. Stacy: Greg they can't leave without you, you checked your knapsack. [the mobile rings, House picks it up] House: Are we in? (Cut to Fletcher's room, the speakerphone has been removed here) Foreman: Yeah. House: Hi, I'm Gregory House; I'm your attending physician, your wife's not there, start talking. Fletcher: They took my stain! I couldn't tackle the bear, they took my stain. House: Ok, shut up now. Nice work, Cameron. Give him the list again. [The whiteboard has also been wheeled into the room] Foreman: Let us know when something sounds right. [reads from the whiteboard] Dirty, soiled, pain, brain-- Fletcher: Yes! Foreman: Where does that get us? We're already paying plenty of attention to his brain. We got an MRI, we got a CT... Chase: Are we sure he wasn't reacting to pain? He's been on painkillers. House: Come on Chase, drugs didn't do this to him. Even if he is an addict. Fletcher: I dissuade the tournal category. House: Oh please, Mr sleeping pills. Amphetamines, bring me up, bring me down. Announcer in the airport: Passenger Gregory House, please report to Gate 7. Gregory House to Gate 7. [House stares at the wall, suddenly realising something and doesn't seem to have heard the announcement] House: Ever hear this one? Build a house, each wall has a southern exposure, big bear comes wandering by, what colour's the bear? Cameron: White. It's a polar bear, you built your house in the North Pole. [Fletcher quickly grabs Cameron's hand] House: Polar. Whatever your name is, patient! Are you bipolar? [Fletcher is nodding and vehemently jerking Cameron's hand] House: What's that? I can't see, is he nodding? Fletcher: Yes. House: Topamax isn't just off-labeled for weight loss. It's off-labeled for mood disorders. Plenty of bipolars are manic in the daytime, depressive at night. He's been medicating for years with alcohol and sleeping through the bad hours. It explains the danger journalism, explains everything including the kitchen sink. Ok, technically it's kitchen cabinets. He starts a project, then he stops. Cameron: Except bipolar disorder does not cause seizures. House: And it doesn't shut down your kidneys, but what it does do-- Security Guy: Excuse me sir, can I see your ID? House: I'm on the phone-- Security Guy: Now please. Chase: House? Security Guy: Gregory House-- House: Look, I'm a Doctor, and this is an emergency call. Security Guy: You'll have to come with me sir. [The Security Guy is looking at House's ID and has the mobile phone in his other hand] House: I'm not going anywhere. Security Guy: You think you're gonna take me on? House: I kick, and I bite. Security Guy: You're either on that plane, or you're going into custody. [he hands the phone back and walks away] [House puts his ID back in his wallet; Stacy strolls back to where House is standing] Foreman: House, you still there? House: Being bipolar makes you take risks, you seek excitement. You make up stories. Fletcher: I dine valour the lever! [indignant tone] [Stacy is now standing under the announcement screens near House] House: Fine, maybe your stories are legit. People would start to wonder. Annoyed politicians, entire governments would be on your ass. You couldn't tell anybody you were bipolar, which was fine. Until you fell in love. [he turns to look at Stacy] And you wanted that life. And you hear that there's a surgical cure, give the woman you love the life she wants. All you have to do is change. Bilateral cingulotomy, an experimental surgery that some people claim helps mood disorders. Foreman: And if it's done by gamma Kn*fe, there's no trace of cutting! That's the neural scarring we saw on the MRI. Cameron: Which explained nothing because it wasn't even in the right area. House: It's not the surgery, it's the secrecy! What causes recurring fever? [Stacy is now seated on one of the airport chairs listening in on what House is saying] Neurological problems, lethargies that you fight with caffeine pills and amphetamines. [The door to Fletcher's room opens, Elizabeth and Cuddy walk in. The Ducklings and Fletcher panic, House on the other end of the phone line is oblivious] It wasn't your secret psych disorder; it was your secret daily drug use. It was the secret trip, and your secret surgery in Caracas or Buenos Aires, which by the way didn't work given the state of your kitchen cabinets. Cameron: House! Shut up. House: What's going on? [Elizabeth walks up to Fletcher slowly] Elizabeth: Is he right? [Fletcher guiltily nods] Your doctors... know you better than I do. That man on the speakerphone, he never even met you and HE knows you better than I do. [Fletcher hugs his chest and looks at her] Elizabeth: You love me? [He nods and sounds like he's ready to cry] Fletcher: Ye... Yes! Elizabeth: You just don't trust me. [He looks down guiltily again, she starts to cry silently] House: Get some blood on a slide. Do not put it through a computer this time. Foreman: Yep [he quickly puts down the phone] (CGI of blue stuff and little parasites moving around in it. Foreman is sitting in the lab looking down through a microscope) Foreman: Cerebral malaria. Cameron: I'll get him started on intravenous quinine. Foreman: If a human being had actually looked at his blood, anywhere along the way, instead of just running tests through the computer... parasites would have jumped right out at them. Cameron: Price of the electronic age. (Cut to Fletcher in his room, silently crying. Greta is sitting by his side) Greta: Fletch, she'll be back. Give her time to miss you. (Back at the airport, Stacy is boarding her flight, House tags along beside her in the queue) House: I'm counting on you to get me off the no-fly list. Stacy: Is your patient going to be alright? House: Physically, his chances are good. Stacy: Physically? House: Two people who weren't meant to be together. Maybe they'll get a happy ending just because they both want it so much. Stacy: Yeah, that's usually the way it works. House: He loved her enough to convince himself he could change. Stacy: But he couldn't, could he? [She gets the stub of her ticket back from the person at the desk and is about to walk through when she turns around to see House again] You know what Woody Allen said about relationships? "Irrational and crazy, but we go through it all because-- House: --we need the curry". [He nods and they exchange a last look before she leaves for her flight]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x10 - Failure to Communicate"}	foreverdreaming
Mom: Hi, kids. Daughter: Mommy, look what I made. Mom: Oh, wow. It's a farmer and a cow and some horses. It's beautiful. Daughter: It's for Ted's office. Mom: Oh, he's gonna love it. And it'd be nice if you called him Dad. [Daughter nods.] Give me a big hug. [Cut to kitchen.] Mom [To a friend.]: The secret is the Haas avocados. I can e-mail you the recipe if you want. [Cell phone rings, she answers it.] Oh, this is the third time they've changed plans since Friday. These idiots think you can just add a 14th floor and the mayor won't notice. Friend: I thought turning the garage into a nursery was complicated. Any luck on your end yet? Mom: Not for lack of trying. [Smiles and goes into living room.] Ted. [She turns off the game on TV.] Friends: Come on! Mom: I have to go tell a client he's an idiot. Ted: Go kick some ass. Mom: I have to take Stella to karate by 3:00 and birthday party at Julia's after. [She looks at her arm like it just grew a third... um... arm.] Ted: You okay? Mom: Yeah, I'll be back. Just make sure she's dressed. [She leaves the house.] Ah! [Arm seems to be twitching. Gets into car; whole body starts twitching and leg involuntarily hits the gas pedal. The car crashes through the garage door.] [Ted comes out into garage.] Ted: Honey! [Mom is crying and body is twitching uncontrollably, like a waking seizure. She looks at him like, help me!] [House walks into hospital, steps aside for an old lady, and is whistling.] Cuddy: He's actually on time. Wilson: He's six minutes early. Cuddy: Something's happened. Wilson: I'm on it. [He goes after House.] House: Morning, Jimmy. Anybody die while I was gone? Wilson: Did -- did you iron your shirt? House: Thought about shaving; couldn't find a razor. Wilson: What the hell happened in Baltimore? House: Sorry, chief. I never kiss and tell. [They get into elevator.] Wilson: [Nodding.] I think you just did. [On their floor.] Wilson: there's no such thing as "just a kiss." House: Did you iron your shirt? Everybody's flash today. Wilson: Has she left Mark? Is she going to? House [Pointing down hall towards what must be oncology.]: I think I can hear cancer kids calling. Wilson: Are you planning on asking her to leave Mark? House: Not sure. Cameron keeps my calendar. Wilson: Hey. This is a big deal. This is an affair. Have you even talked to Stacy about what the hell this means? House: Didn't have a lot of time for talking. [Blatant wink.] If you know what I mean. Wilson: Great. Breaking up a marriage; fertile ground for high comedy. We need to talk about this. [Footsteps...Cameron approaching.] House: Gosh, wish I could. [To Cameron.] How did the HIV test go? Did you study up? Cam: I rescheduled for this afternoon. We have a new patient. 34-year-old female. Movement disorder. House: Movement disorder? Fascinating. Wilson: This isn't just gonna go away. House: No. But maybe you will. [Conference room with the Ducklings.] Foreman: Probably suffered head trauma in the car accident. Trauma leads to the dyskinesia. Cam: According to her husband, the flailing started before she got anywhere near that car. House: What does the flailing look like? Chase: Her arms spasm uncontrollably and there's a mild facial twitch. House: Demonstration? Foreman [Impatiently.]: You wanna know what it looks like, go see the patient. House: Ooo, snarky. Was he like this the whole time I was gone? Cam: Patient's been on a fertility regimen for the last 13 months. Excess estrogen in the system could explain-- House [Holding up an empty box.]: Who finished the animal crackers? Foreman: Sudden movement disorder could be a symptom of Huntington's. House [Sarcastic motherly voice.]: If you finish something, don't just put back the empty box, throw it out. [Ducklings roll their eyes.] Cam: Huntington's takes a day to confirm. We should put her on Tamoxifen in case it is the fertility meds. Counteract the estrogen. House: It's a great idea, if you want to kll her baby. [He writes "Pregnancy" on board.] Movement disorder can present in the first trimester. Foreman: She's not pregnant. House: Peeing on a stick is only 99% accurate. Get a real pregnancy test. You know, the one with the blood and the hormones and the rabbit. [Foreman looks put off.] Oh, I'm sorry. It's still your limo. Whaddya say, Miss Daisy? Foreman: Whatever you want. House: Lame duck's done quacking. Foreman: You quack, people sht at you. Cuddy just put me here to make you miserable. Another two days, you can go back to making yourself miserable. House: Okay. Get an MRI. See if it's in her head, or in her uterus. [They start to go.] You're gonna want to paralyze her. [They pause, stare at him.] You run tests on a flailer, somebody's gonna lose an eye. [Patient's room.] Mom: You think I'm pregnant? Cam: We need to find out for sure. Ted: Would all this go away once she delivered? Foreman: It could also be neurological. We need to get an MRI. Ted: Can she do that if she's pregnant? Cam: The risk to the fetus is extremely low. Mom: But there is a risk. [Cam nods.] I-I don't think we should do it until we're sure. [The husband nods, she spasms.] Ah! [The daughter looks scared] Ted, I think you should take Stella home. Ted: I want to stay here. We should be with you. [Mom continues flailing.] Foreman: You should take her out of the room. We're going to temporarily stop Margo's spasms. Ted: You can do that? Foreman: Vecuronium. It's a paralytic. Essentially cuts off the brain from the muscles. [He sees daughter is crying.] Don't worry. Your mom will be just fine. Cam: It'll make running the tests easier. And it won't be dangerous for the baby if you are pregnant. Ted: Let's go, Stella. Stella: I want to be with Mommy. Ted: We'll be just outside, okay? [Margo smiles at Stella.] We gotta let the doctors get her better, alright? Margo: It's okay sweetie. Stella: [Over her shoulder.] Love you. Margo: Love you. Foreman: Your vitals will be watched closely. I'm going to close your lids so your eyes don't dry out. [He closes them with his fingers like you would a dad person. The image goes black.] Just try to relax. [Stacy's office.] Wilson [Enters.]: What the hell did you do? Were you just cold and lonely? Stacy [Sighs.]: Course he told you, he's an 8-year-old boy. Wilson: Hey, you're the one who kissed him. Stacy: Why are you so worked up over this? Wilson: Because you're married. Stacy: Not to you. [Wilson's jaw drops.] This is none of your business. Wilson: The last time you left, I was the one stuck picking up the pieces. Stacy: Oh right. He cried himself to sleep every night. That so sounds like him. Wilson: He's been pining for five years! Stacy: You're being dramatic. Wilson: No. Actually, I'm underplaying. This is me being restrained. Stacy: It was one kiss. Wilson: Are you being intentionally thick? [She puts her pen down.] This was not just a one-night stand. You can't toy with him. Stacy [Emphatically.]: I'm not. [Sighs.] He's probably toying with me. I do--I don't know what I'm doing. Wilson [Shakes his head.]: Oh, boy. [Patient's room, Margo opens her eyes.] Cam: Welcome back to the world. You're off the Vecuronium. [Margo looks sleepy.] Foreman: could you wiggle your toes for me? [She does; Ted and Stella get up from a chair.] Cam: The MRI was clear. Whatever this is isn't in your brain. Margo: The MRI...so I'm not pregnant? [She looks at Ted.] Cam: I'm sorry. Margo: So what do we do next? Foreman: It could be a variety of things, [Margo takes Ted's hand, her hand spasms a little.] some treatable; others more serious. [Approaches her mouth with a cheek swab.] Open up. We're gonna run a genetic test for Huntington's. Ted: That one of the more serious ones? Foreman [Nods.]: Yeah. Cam: It's also possible that this is just a symptom of the fertility treatments. Now that we know you're not pregnant, we're going to start you on Tamoxifen to counteract the estrogen. Margo: Will that undo all the fertility treatments? Foreman: For the time being, yeah. But it could cure you. [Margo looks at Ted who smiles.] Cam: You can start trying again once we get you healthy. [Margo's arm spasms making her drop the Tamoxifen cup.] Margo: DAMN IT! Cam: The spasms are going to get worse now that the Vecuronium's wearing off. Margo [Looking at Stella, demands sharply.]: What are you so scared of? I'm still your mother, I'm just a little sick. [To Ted.] Why did you even bring her here? I told you to leave her at home! [Turns over and away from them; Ted comforts Stella who looks upset. Wilson and Cam look puzzled.] [Conference room.] Foreman: Hyper-vigilance, sudden irritability... House: Symptomatic of... lunch with Cuddy? Foreman: The patient now defines Huntington's. House: Then what do you need me for? Start her on Huntington's meds. Cam: Before we get her test results back? If we start her on valproic acid, it could destroy her liver. Chase: Could stroke. House: If we wait, she could progress to full blown psychosis. Then her kid will never get the chance to say goodbye. [To Chase.] Wanna tell the class how that feels? Chase: Huntington's patients don't progress to psychosis in a day. House: She went from 0 to 60 in world-record time. [Foreman's beeper goes off.] Chase: Indicating it might be something other than Huntington's. Foreman: We got a problem. [Cut to patient's room where Margo is using her IV stand as a wapon.] Margo: Stay away from me! Where's my daughter? Ted: What's happening? Foreman: She's having a psychotic break. Margo [Jabbing at Chase.]: No! She's not yours! What do you want with her? Cam: Calm down! Ted: Honey... Chase: Margo, you're gonna hurt someone. Margo: No! [She swings the IV stand around and breaks the plate glass window behind her. Chase and Foreman move in and grab her.] Chase [Struggling to restrain her.]: Push two milligrams Ativan! Margo [struggling, yelling:] I want my daughter! She's not yours! I want my daughter. No more experiments. No! [They give her the Ativan, she loses consciousness.] [Commercial break.] Cam: How can her Huntington's test be negative? Foreman: All the signs are there. Movement disorder, psychosis... It should be Huntington's. House: Yeah. That'd certainly make your job easier. Well good news for Margo, it's not Huntington's. Bad news for us, the psychotic break eliminates fertility meds; which means we have no idea what's wrong with her. [Sighs impatiently and shakes hands at the white board.] We give you so much, and you give so little! Foreman: You know patient is prime age to develop spontaneous schizophrenia. Cam: Almost impossible. No family history of mental illness. Chase: How about toxins? Cam: None of her family members are sick, nobody at her office, her volunteer group, kid's classes, and PTA members. [Throws up her hands.] All fine. House: So she raises a daughter, runs a business, she does charity work, she volunteers at school, attends PTA. What makes mommy run? Chase: You're thinking drugs? House: Cocaine. [All but Chase roll eyes.] Explains the psychosis and the flailing, and the uncanny ability to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never ever let Teddy forget that he's a man. Cam: I'll go look for her stash. House: Take Foreman. There's gotta be a reason for the stereotype. [Wilson's office.] House [tries door, then knocks]: I know you're in there. I can hear you caring. [No answer, he goes around to the balcony, comes in that door, startling Wilson.] House: The door was locked. Wilson: Means I didn't want to see anyone. [He's rolling joints. Beta Comment: Which is one reason why I love him.] House [Eyebrows raised.]: High school reunion? Wilson: It's for a patient. She can't roll. [Looks toward the balcony.] Now lock that door, too. House: Paranoia; must be the good stuff. [Sniffs.] Times like these I wish I had cancer. So what did she say? Wilson: That depends. What did you do, and who are we talking about? House: We both know that as soon as we talked you ran to Stacy so you could gossip and giggle. I need to know what she said. Wilson: I have a crazy idea: why don't you go talk to her? House: Because my bestest buddy says that could lead to trouble. [They regard each other.] Wilson: She sounds confused, but I don't' think she is. I think she's waiting for you to do something to show her you're serious. House [Raises eyebrows briefly.]: Wow. It's a big jump from infidelity is morally wrong to "do her." Wilson: I didn't say do* her. I said do something. House: What exactly did she say? Wilson: She didn't say it was a mistake. House: She's not gonna leave Mark in the middle of his rehab; too much guilt. Wilson: She left you. House: Harsh toke, dude. [House gets up to go.] Wilson: House. [House turns, Wilson gestures 'come here', and House takes a joint from his pocket and hands it to Wilson.] House: Killjoy. [Margo's house.] Foreman: I could've covered this. You need to get that test today. Cam: I wish you guys would remember my birthday instead of my HIV test. Foreman: Forgive us for being concerned. [He comes clean.] I got a bet with House. [Cam makes a face.] He says you're too scared to get it, I say you're too a*l not to. [Cam rolls her eyes.] I'll cut you in. [Outside the house.] Cam: That was a colossal waste. Foreman: Who would've known? Searching a high-end family home for illicit narcotics was such an obvious choice. Cam [Seeing the car.]: Working moms practically live in their cars. Foreman: Little bump on the run? Cam: You were a car thief right? [Foreman gives her a face and tries the door; it's open.] Ha. [Cam sits in the driver's seat and reaches for the glove box and pulls out a pill bottle.] Momma's little helper. [Back at hospital.] Cam: House! Ritalin. House [Examining bottle.]: Cocaine with a PG rating. Foreman: Prescribed to her daughter. House: Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills. Foreman: It's possible the kid's meds are the kid's meds. House: Pop enough Ritalin, it can explain everything. Foreman: Well, Ritalin maybe explains some tics, some involuntary-- House [Shakes head.]: No, case reports have referred to chorea. She's been cut off from her stash, so the flailing's tapered off and the psychosis hasn't returned. It's perfect. Foreman: Tox screen will confirm that. House: Half-life's 12 hours. The drugs'll be out of her system. We're done. Get rid of her. Foreman: We're not done. We have to confirm the diagnosis before we send her home to die of something else. House: Oh yes, the power tastes so sweet. You just can't resist. You're like a diabetic at the ice cream counter. You want to say no, but you need that chocolaty goodness. Foreman: Yeah. Well, I'm still signing the charts. So until tomorrow, you're not allowed to kll anyone. [Walks away.] House: Wuss. Cam: We've asked her three times if she's on any meds. House: So we don't ask her. [Patient's room; a long red balloon emerges with House following.] House: Candy striper. [Hooks chair with his cane pulls it toward himself. To Stella:] So, you like dogs? [Stella nods. House whistles; bends the balloon into... a shape.] Stella: That's not a dog. House [To parents.]: Smart kid. [To Stella.] Are you always such a good little girl? Or does mommy sometimes say you're the reason she needs a double martini? Margo: Who are you? House [To Stella.]: Over here, kiddo. I'm talking to you. Focus. It must be because you're off your meds. Margo [Sits up.]: Who are you? House [Winks.]: Doctor and candy striper. Ted: She's not on any medication. House: Well that's strange, because this bottle has her name on it. [Shakes it.] And I think these are medical pills inside. Ted: What's he talking about? Margo: Doctor prescribed Stella... a few months ago. I never told you about it because I never gave her any. House: Hmm. That's funny, 'cause the bottle's almost empty. [To Stella.] You missed a couple of days. Take five. Margo: Stop. House: Why? Unless they're not hers. [To Stella.] You need some water, sweetie? Margo: I'm not taking Ritalin. House: Come on. All the cool moms are doing it. And tox screen says you're cool too. [Pulls out paper and holds it out to her.] Ted: You were on drugs while taking care of Stella? Margo: [Looks about to deny it, then says.] I'm sorry, Ted. [House unfolds the paper and holds it in front of her face.] It's a cafeteria menu. House [To Ted.]: Should take a couple of hours to process her. Then you can take her home and divorce her. [sht of House musing in his office.] [Cut to Stacy's office, door opens, House sticks his head in.] House: Working late? Or are you just avoiding Mark? Stacy: It was one kiss, Greg. House: So far. [Comes in.] I'm planning on keeping a chart. Stacy: I'm moving back to Short Hills, I think it's time. House: You're leaving? Stacy: It's never meant to be permanent. And now that Mark's getting better... House: Yeah. Much better. Except for the whole walking thing. Stacy: He needs to get back to work. [Turns away.] House: Right; saving the next generation from making bad choices about acne cream. You're running away because the kiss meant something. Stacy: I'm not running away. I'm going home. House: With Mark. Stacy: I love Mark. House [Comes around desk.]: You love me more. [They stare at each other.] I don't want you to leave. [Cut to hospital lobby, Stella running towards her mom who gets out of a wheelchair.] Margo [To Ted.]: Are we okay? [Ted nods & smiles.] I'm sorry. Ted: Let's just get you home. Margo [Nods.]: That's a good idea. [She pauses. CGI of a clot lodging in a vein, she passes out.] Stella: Mommy! Ted: Hey! Cam [Who just happens to be walking by.]: Call the code. Stella: What's wrong, Mommy? Ted: What's going on? [Cam takes her pulse.] [Cut to House's bedroom, phone rings, he turns on the light. The camera pans and we see he's shirtless in bed as he answers it.] House: This better be important. Cam: You've gotta come back in. House: No I don't. Cam: Margo's sab, but-- House: Oh, my God. Well, I'll be right there. Cam: She had a stroke. House [Squints eyes.]: Perfect. [Hangs up, sighs.] Gotta go back to work. [Camera pans as he turns around and we see Stacy in his bed.] Stacy: Right now? House [Turns over, smiles at her. We see Stacy is topless too.]: Well, patient's sab. [Raises eyebrows.] Could maybe wait a half hour. [She smiles, he puts his arm around her, kisses her, and they go back to whatever they were doing before the phone call.] [House's conference room.] Cam: He should have been here 20 minutes ago. Chase: Doubt if he makes it at all. I saw him leave with Stacy. Cam: He's probably just walking her to her car. Chase: Oh, yeah. That sounds like House. Cam: He's not an idiot. He's not gonna hook up with a married woman. Foreman: I hope he is getting some. Maybe he'll mellow out. [House singing as he comes in.] Cam: What took you so long? It's midnight. House: Traffic. Cinco de Mayo. [To Foreman.] You owe me a 100 bucks. Foreman [To Cameron.]: You didn't take the test? House: Fear trumps al every time. Cam: It's not a big deal. I had the viral load and antibody tests. It's 99.9% that I don't have HIV. House: You have the test and it's negative, you gain a tenth of a point. But if it's positive you lose... nearly 100, right? Cam: No arrhythmia. So Ritalin isn't the big problem. Something else is going on. House: Fine. Let's play doctors. Chase: I removed the clot which caused the stroke. Problem is, we don't know where it came from. Cam: Did ultrasounds of her heart, arms, and legs. All clear. Foreman: Could be a protein C deficiency. Cam: Wouldn't explain the movement disorder. House: Nothing explains everything. What if it's a crime syndicate? Let's say Ritalin and the fertility meds plotted a caper. Ritalin takes care of the psychosis, the flailing-- Foreman: I still don't think Ritalin-- House: Fertility meds are competitive by nature. They gotta do something bigger. Something really unexpected. Cam: Fertility treatments have been known to cause endometrial cancer. Chase: Which could cause clots. Which could have caused her to stroke. House: So ultrasound her uterus this time. See if there's something growing in there that doesn't look adorable in a onesie. [They all get up and walk toward the door.] House: Cameron. [She turns.] I love you. [Her jaw drops; he swabs her cheek.] Get your test results tomorrow. [She looks bewildered and leaves.] [Cut to roof, sunrise. Beta comment: Pretty.] Stacy [Opens door holding piece of paper, House smiles at her.]: The prescription for my heart condition; a bit on the cheesy side. House: I was trying for romantic. [They smile at each other and hug.] Still fits. Stacy [Smiling.]: Mmm. House: Did you tell Mark? Stacy [Her smile fades.]: I told him I had to work late. House [His smile fades, he pulls back.]: You going to tell him? Stacy: Am I going to tell him? Still working on that phrasing. How about; 'Know all that stuff you were worried about when we first came here, honey? You were right.' House: Pithy. Stacy: Everything's easy when you don't care if you hurt anyone. House: You already did the hurting part. He just doesn't know it yet. Stacy: If I never tell him, it'll never hurt. [House's brow furrows.] I want not to love Mark. I want to hate you. I want all of this to be simple, but it's not. House [Nods, looks around, then back at her.]: You can either have a life with me, or you can have a life with him. It can't be both. It's not easy. But it is simple. [She nods.] [Cut to House exiting elevator, Ducklings approaching.] Cam: No endometrial thickening, no masses. Foreman: No cancer. House: She's on fertility treatments. She had a blood clot. It's there. Chase: Millions of women are on fertility treatments, and they don't get cancer. House: Right. They get babies. She had a blood clot and a stroke. She'll get another one and probably die if we don't find that tumor. Do an endometrial biopsy. Foreman: Biopsy's painful and unnecessary. We just did an ultrasound. [House squints and checks his watch.] Foreman: What? House: Shh. Cam: If you have a personal issue that's interfering with-- House: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Foreman: What are we waiting for? House: Your four weeks just expired. Your reign of terror is over. Mine is just gn. Now go stick a needle up her hoo-hoo and find that cancer. [Goes into his office.] [Foreman shakes his head, smiling] Chase: Hoo-hoo? Foreman: He went to Hopkins. [Chase looks puzzled, like he doesn't know how that's supposed to clarify 'hoo-hoo'; I don't either.] [House's office; he's watching monster trucks on TV with his brown hi-top Converse up on a table.] Commentator 1: ...has got 1,500 horsepower blown and injected with alcohol. Commentator 2: Yeah, that baby really moves. Commentator 1: Oh yeah, the transmission... Stella [Entering.]: What are you watching? House: TV. What are you doing here? Stella: Ted's with my mom. He asked the nurse to watch me. House: What nurse? Stella: She's not really watching me. House [Nods.]: I got that. Stella: Do you still have the balloons? House: No. Stella: Do you want to play something? House: Nope. [Raises eyebrows, takes feet down, and turns off the TV. Taking her hand they exit together and walk down the hall.] Stella: When can Mommy come home? House: Don't know. Stella: What's wrong with your foot? House: wr wound. Stella: Does it hurt? House: Every day. Stella: Is that why you're so sad? House [Looking down at her.]: Oh, aren't you adorable. [He pushes the elevator button.] I'm not sad. I'm complicated. Chicks dig that. One day, you'll understand. Stella: That's what my parents say when they don't want me to know something. House: They say that a lot? Stella: Only when they're talking about making babies and stuff. House [Nods.]: And when you catch them fighting? Stella: They don't fight. House: Not ever? Stella: People who love each other don't fight. House: Right. Forgot that. [The elevator arrives.] What floor was that nurse on who was watching you? Stella: Two. House [Pushes 2 and steps out.]: Good talk. [Procedure room. Margo is on a bed with a sheet over her legs. Ted is holding her hand.] Cam: At your age the type of uterine cancer that develops is not likely to metastasize. It's very treatable. Chase: Hold still, Margo. Margo [Winces.]: I--I'm feeling a little bit dizzy. Chase: Oh, my God. [His glove has blood on it. Machine beeps.] Cam: BP's dropping. [Margo starts moaning.] Ted: What's going on? Chase: Get him out of here. [Camera shows blood dripping onto the floor in a steady stream.] Ted: What's going on?? [Margo still moaning.] Cam: Heart rate's 98 and rising. Chase: We've gotta find that bleed. Cam: What'd you do, ht an artery? Chase: With what? I hadn't even started the procedure. [They ultrasound Margo's abdomen.] [Cut to Cuddy's office, Stacy enters.] Stacy: I need some advice. Cuddy: Whatever it is, can it wait? Stacy [Turns to go.]: Yeah. [Turns back.] What was Greg like after I left? Cuddy: Uh, an egomaniacal narcissistic pain in the ass. Same as before you left. Stacy: Do you think he's capable of having a real relationship? Cuddy: What happened in Baltimore? Stacy: Nothing. Cuddy: Right. Stacy: Maybe something. Cuddy [Wincing with eyes closed.]: Right. Stacy: Technically, most of the something happened after Baltimore. Cuddy: Oh God, Stacy... Stacy: I don't know what to do. Cuddy: Are you seriously thinking about leaving Mark? Stacy: No. I don't know. I can't. Cuddy: And you want me to tell you it's okay? Stacy: It wasn't all bad with Greg. I was with him for a reason. Cuddy: You left him for a reason. Stacy: I could swear I remember him being fun. [Cuddy smiles apologetically but says nothing.] [Cut to waiting room.] Chase [To Ted & Stella.]: Sorry for the scare. Ted: Just tell me she's okay. Chase: Ultrasound showed the bleed was coming from her liver. It's rare, but the blood got into her Fallopian tubes. In a way, it was lucky. Let us know we were looking in the wrong place. The tumor's in her liver. Ted: Is it--is it cancer? Chase: We're running some more tests. [Cut to CT scan room.] Foreman: There it is. [Cut to hallway.] Foreman: It's a liver tumor. House [Sighs.]: If it's malignant, at least she's only gonna leave one child without a mother. Do a biopsy. Foreman: We can't. It's vascular. Mark: House. [Foreman books it. Mark rolls over in his wheelchair.] House: What? Mark: I'm here about Stacy. House: What about her? Mark: I think I'm losing her. House: Your wife, your problem. [Walks away, Mark rolls after him.] Mark: She won't talk to me. House: So what, you're gonna talk to me instead? Talk to your shrink. Mark: She keeps saying everything's fine. House: Find a bar and talk to a stranger. Mark: You're the only one who's been through this. [House stops and turns.] I'm shutting her out. I'm saying things and then hating myself for saying them. How did you get past that? House: Didn't. [Turns and walks away again.] Mark: Can you please be a human being for one minute and talk to me? [House stops and turns again.] House: Sorry; gotta go, people dying. [He turns and walks away.] Mark: You're not gonna outrun me. [Goes after him] [House takes a stairwell, going up slowly with his cane.] Mark: House. [Mark comes in and pulls himself out of his wheelchair onto the stairs. House turns and looks at him.] House: You're not ready for this. [Mark pulls himself up the stairs and falls into House, who catches him.] Mark: I've seen the way you and Stacy talk to each other. House: You're an idiot. You probably just set your rehab back three months. Mark [Starts struggling.]: Let go of me! Get off of me! [Mark falls down the stairs, sitting on them. House goes back down and through the door, leaving Mark sitting on the stairs.] [House's conference room.] House: Liver tumor doesn't make sense. Foreman: You saying the CT was wrong? House: I'm saying the symptoms don't add up. A + B does not equal liver tumor. We gotta solve for X. [He approaches board.] We gotta look at this differently. What do we know about her? Foreman: Side effects of the Ritalin caused the-- House: No. We've examined the file up and down. Come here. Give me that. Why do you people always overlook the human element? [Takes the file and tosses it in the garbage.] What do we know about her? Margo... [Checks the garbage.] Dalton; the woman. Cameron: She's a people pleaser. She doesn't like to let people down. House: Never fights with her husband. Chase: She went to drugs instead of asking for help to manage her life. House: So if she can't manage now, why does she want another kid? [They all look puzzled, House twirls his cane thoughtfully.] House: Foreman. Need your help here. You want to pull a bank job. Would you go it alone? If you're gonna rob a home, sure. It's a one or two man crew. But a bank. Lookout. Getaway driver. Foreman: I'm not saying anything until the metaphor plays itself out. House: So here's the caper. Fertility meds create a distraction. Mommy had 3 refills on the Ritalin in the last 3 weeks. That team goes straight for the top floor. Has no trouble taking out communications [Crosses out Psychosis.], but--the specialist, Safe crcker. All he does is stroke, blood clot, liver tumor. [Circles these on the board.] Foreman was right. This bad ass even does flailing. Come on. Only one guy I know does that kind of work. Cameron: Birth control pills? [They all exchange bewildered looks.] [Cut to patient's room, Margo is sleeping until House makes a loud noise, startling her.] House: While the surgeons are cutting out a chunk of your liver, should I have them do a hysterectomy too? Margo: A hysterectomy? I'm trying to get pregnant. House: You don't have to lie to me. We're not married. You're supermom. You can do anything. You work seven days a week. You volunteer. Raise a kid. Yet you still somehow find the time to lie to hubby number two that you really, really want to give him a child with his chin and pretty brown eyes. Margo: What makes you think that I don't-- House: Because it fits. Birth control pills caused hepatocellular adenoma. Explains all your symptoms that aren't explained by your other lies. Margo: That's it? House: [Pulls out a paper.] Also. Margo: I'll have the tuna on rye. Would you like to leave my room now? House [Tosses paper onto her tray.]: Tumor is benign. Stop taking the pill and it'll go away on it's own. So, I'm cancelling the surgery. Margo: What are you going to tell my husband? House: That I'm canceling the surgery. You can do the explaining. It's tricky, huh? It's one thing to say you can't have a baby. It's another to say you don't want one. Personally I'd make up some other lie. Margo: Could--could I die on the table? House: Could you die if you tell him the truth? Margo: I need the surgery. I'm not on the pill. [Cuddy's office.] Cuddy: You can't cancel the surgery. House: If she goes off the pill, the tumor goes away on its own. Cuddy: You have no proof the birth control pills caused this, you have no proof she's even taking them. House: Well if we do the surgery, maybe we'll kll her on the table. Then I can prove I'm right at the autopsy. Cuddy: Or, we can forget the surgery, let the tumor grow, and kll her. House: Why don't you take it up with Stacy? See which option minimizes your risk. Cuddy: Here's what I think she's gonna say. [Beta Comment: Doing a dang funny Stacey impression.] Oh, I love Greg. But if you go against a patient's wishes, you're calling her a liar. And if something goes wrong, I end up in court having to defend the big mean doctor, albeit with dreamy eyes, who wouldn't believe the nice suburban mom. And even though his cane makes me melt, do the damn surgery. [She sits down, scoffs and rolls her eyes.] [Cut to surgery; Chase throws a piece under the scope, gives the thumbs-up to House and Wilson in the viewing area.] House: Shocking. It's benign. Wilson: People do crazy things for love. House: No. Crazy is hanging out in the park all day talking to pigeons. Margo knows what she's doing. She gave up half her liver to save her marriage. Wilson: No, she surgically removed her fingerprints to cover up her pathetic lie. House: It's twisted and manipulative, I give you that. But it's also...romantic. [Wilson looks at him like he's nuts.] I'm barely willing to put the seat down after I pee. Wilson: Do we need to talk? House: Nope. I'm fine. [Cut to patient's room.] Foreman: So the surgeon got the whole tumor. And it was benign. Ted: That's good, right? Foreman: Yeah. Benign is good. Ted: How could a benign tumor have caused all the symptoms? Foreman [Exchanging a glance with Margo.]: We believe all your wife's symptoms will go away now. Ted: Oh. [He sighs with relief.] Thank God. Look, I'm gonna pick up Stella. [He kisses Margo.] I'll call you after I get the baby-sitter. [He exits.] Margo: Dr. Foreman, you can help me. You could tell my husband that... because of all this... I can't take any more fertility treatments. Foreman: Confidentiality rules stop me from telling your husband the truth. But my obligation to lie ends there. Margo: Are--are there--is there a birth control method, something that won't make me sick? Foreman: Margo, you're gonna have risks with everything; especially if you're not telling your fertility doctor. If you keep doing this, it's gonna kll your marriage and k*ll you. Margo: You don't know. [Smiles.] In a few years, we'll give up. Stop trying to get pregnant. We'll hug; cry. Eventually, Ted will stop thinking about it. And he'll appreciate Stella even more. And we'll live happily together for the next 50 years. [Smiles and looks satisfied. Foremen looks sick.] [Cut to House's office. Cameron enters.] House: Something you need to see. [He holds out envelope. She looks at him nervously.] Knowing is always better than not knowing. [She opens it as he gets up, gets another envelope] Cam: It's a referral request. House: Right. HIV thing came in earlier. [He holds it up.] You're fine. Cam: You won't read your mail, but you'll open mine? House: It said confidential. I wanted to know. Cam: The most important letter of my life and you're still an ass. House: Comforting, isn't it? [She leaves.] [Cut to House in his office, staring at the clean white board.] [Cut to Stacy's office, House enters.] Stacy: Hey! House: Hi. Stacy [Stands up.]: I'm going to talk to Mark tonight. And I'm going to stay here with you. [Smiles and looks nervous.] House: Don't do it. Stacy: This isn't funny Greg. House: I know. Stacy [Smile fades.]: You... spent all these months chasing me. Now I'm here and you start running? What the hell changed? House: Nothing. Nothing changes. I'm not going to change. Stacy: Who asked you to? House: Mark is willing to do whatever it takes. I'm not. Never was. Stacy: Oh, now you're introspective? Weren't so analytical the other night. [Beta Comment: My mom has this saying... about a cow and free milk. House: You were happy with Mark. You'll be happy again. Stacy: Shut up about Mark. What the hell's wrong with you? House [Loudly.]: I can't make you happy! Stacy: What? House: How do you think this is gonna end? We'll be happy for what? A few weeks, few months; and then I'll say something insensitive, or I'll start ignoring you. And at first it'll be okay. It's just House being House. And then at some point, you will need something more. You'll need someone who can give you something I can't. [Stacy sighs.] You know I'm right. I've been there before. Stacy: Oh. Oh. It doesn't have to be. House: It does. It does. [They sigh.] I don't want to go there again. I'm sorry, Stacy. [He leaves, and she exhales forcefully.] [Outside Margo's room.] Chase: 50 bucks says they're divorced in a year. Cam: 6 months tops. Foreman: I'll take that bet. It's the perfect marriage. There's nothing to fight over if you never talk about anything. [Cut to hallway, Wilson on his way out looks into Stacy's window and sees her packing.] [Cut to roof, Wilson finds House there, sitting on the wall.] Wilson: What did you tell her? House: I told her she's better off without me. Wilson: Huh. That's probably true. [House takes out Vicodin and pops a couple.] Wilson: You're an idiot. You don't think she'd be better off without you. House: Right. I sent her off on a whim. Wilson: You have no idea why you sent her off. [House climbs down off the wall.] House: Don't do this. Wilson: This was no great sacrifice! You sent her away because you've got to be miserable. House [Turning on him.]: That kind of psycho-crap help get your patients through the long nights? Or is it just for you? Tough love make you feel good? Helping people feel their pain? Wilson: You don't like yourself. But you do admire yourself. It's all you've got, so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special. Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable. [Wilson leaves, House turns; scene ends on him.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x11 - Need to Know"}	foreverdreaming
(Scenes opens on a track running through the forest, Adam (son) and Doug (father) are riding on the family ATV, whooping as they go.) Doug: All right, hold on. I got the turn up here. [Adam whoops in delight.] Adam: Wow! How cool was that? Doug: That was WAY cool! [They get off the bike.] Adam: My turn! Doug: No sorry, it's not allowed. We just signed 15 pages of forms saying you gotta ride on the back of that thing. Adam: I don't see any lawyers around. Doug: You know that's not the point. Adam: No, you just want to keep all the fun to yourself. [He crosses his arms over his chest.] Come on, dad! Doug: You go over 15; we're pulling over, all right? I mean it! Adam: You're the best! Doug: Alright, get on there. Put on your goggles. [He sits behind his son on the ATV, Adam is very excited.] Adam: Ready? Doug: You got the clutch it? Alright, that's my boy! [They speed down the track, Adam is whooping and suddenly his eyes are going funny, he looks like he's having some kind of fit and can no longer control himself physically. He accelerates on the ATV and doesn't seem to know himself anymore.] Doug: Adam! You're going to go too fast slow it down! I mean it! You're going too fast! Slow down!! Adam!!! [They go around a curve and Doug falls off the back, Adam speeds on ahead.] ADAM!! Let go of the throttle! [Adam drives the ATV on ahead over into a pit where the ATV bursts into flames and Adam catches on fre as well.] Doug: ADAM! ADAM! NO!!! (Scene opens on the helipad of the hospital on the rooftop; Adam's body is wrapped in metallic foil on a stretcher and being wheeled into the hospital by paramedics.) Doctor: What've you got? Paramedic: 16-yr-old, status burnt. ATV crashed, 40% of burns on his body. Doctor: Nasal tracheal intervention. Start a bag of lactated ringers wide open. Doug: Will he be ok? Doctor: [Putting on scrubs.] We'll be with you when we can. Get him out! Doug: Wait, wait, wait... [Doug is pushed out of the room as the doctors and nurses prepare to take Adam out of the protective foil.] Nurse: I'll start fluids. Let's go get him hooked up. [Doug watches worriedly from outside.] Doctor: Watch the line. (Scene cuts to House reading an Indian medical journal in the observation deck above an empty operating theatre.) [House makes a derisive noise and picks up what looks like a dictionary to probably translate what he just read.] House: Deia rei marki. Deia rei marki! [Pronouncing something out of the book, Foreman enters.] Foreman: Been looking for you. House: Been avoiding you. Burn unit can handle it. Foreman: If they could handle it, they wouldn't be asking for you. [Foreman takes out his mobile phone to check something; then he tosses the patient's file into House's lap. House rolls his eyes.] Is that a Journal? House: Friend wrote an article. Foreman: In Hindi? House: They have a cutting edge neuroscience program in India. Says so right on the cover [He hands it over to Foreman and looks at the file.] Kid's heart rate's a mess. [He gets up.] Foreman: Tachycardia can be explained by the burn. House: I assume the burn unit knew that. [They're walking down the corridor and are joined by Chase and Cameron running in.] House: His potassium's low. Foreman: Which can also be explained by the burn. House: Except I'm sure the burn unit's pumping him with fluids, which means his potassium should be going up, not down. Foreman: Could be amphetamines. House: Or a bacteria lunching on his heart; or cardiomyopathy or some other very bad thing. He needs an EKG. [They walk up the steps to a small observatory platform and look into the next room where Adam is sedated though you can see all the burns all over his chest and torso. It isn't a pretty sight.] House: Eww. 'Kay, no skin, no EKG. Chase: Is he even going to survive the burn? House: What have you got a date or something? [He draws a deep breath.] 40% of his body, if the burns unit can prevent an infection, his body will regenerate maybe 10%, surgeons will do 20 or so grafts, 6 months in this room he'll end up with a series of nasty scars, maybe some pain but he'll live. [Some nurses in scrubs are washing Adam's burns and scrubbing away the burnt flesh.] Unless his heart shuts down because we can't figure out what's causing the low potassium and tachycardia. We need help from a Belgian doc named Eindhoven. Chase: He's dad. House: While he was alive he invented a little ditty called the galvanometer. Foreman: Where do we get one? House: Go to an electronics store that's been open since before nineteen-o-five. There's a good chance they got one in the corner of the basement. [Scene cuts to Cuddy in her office, nurse Brenda interrupts.] Brenda: We need an audio visual set up for the lecture hall. Cuddy: What for? Brenda: For the lecture. Cuddy: What lecture? Brenda: Dr. Weber's lecture. Cuddy: Who is Dr. Weber? Brenda: A neurologist, I think. The memo was from you. Cuddy: [She looks immediately suspicious and takes a look at the memo.] Where is my assistant? Brenda: She left. Cuddy: When? Brenda: Wednesday. Cuddy: Seriously? Brenda: The temp agency sent someone, but she got lost. Cuddy: Well, when she gets here, fre her. [Scene cuts to House in a coma patient's room -- the same one as from Acceptance and TB or not TB methinks -- performing some kind of test. He's giving the guy in a coma something and checking the results on a screen that's flashing with lots of blue and red lights.] House: [Seemingly pleased with the results.] Oh yeah! Cuddy: [Walks in.] Did you issue this memo? House: Look at that. Cuddy: [Has no idea what she's meant to see.] Congratulations, the patient that has been in a coma for 2 years and counting is still in a coma. This is not my signature; I don't know anything about this guy. I'm supposed to introduce him, have lunch? [Lots of red lights on the screen now.] The coma patient has a migraine? House: Oh no, no, no, no, no I gave him medication to prevent a migraine. Cuddy: That's a migraine, increased flow velocity in his cerebral arteries. House: I did subsequently give him nitroglycerine which could possibly-- Cuddy: You induced a migraine headache in a coma patient?! House: Gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now. Cuddy: Have you even read an ethical guideline? House: Well if you are to try out a new migraine prevention medication on someone who can actually feel pain... Cuddy: Did you sign this? House: Errr... yeah. [Grabs his cane.] We can talk later about the appropriate discipline. [Gives a low sexy growl and then limps out.] (Cut to Adam's body wrapped up protectively, he's still sedated.) Cameron: Because of the burn, we can't perform any of our normal tests to see what's wrong, so we're going to try a galvanometer. [Chase and Foreman are attaching the galvanometer to Adam, attaching wires to his ankles and wrists with his feet and hands dipped in bowls of water.] Cameron: It picks up a pulse in the wrists and the ankles. Hopefully it'll tell us whether his heart rhythm is abnormal. [Cameron is in the observation deck above with the parents.] Doug: What have I done to him? I... Emily: It was an accident! So... he's got all these burns and err... and now there's something wrong with his heart? Cameron: We're trying to figure out if the two were somehow connected. Had he been sick lately? Emily: [They both shake their heads.] No, nothing. Cameron: Anything unusual with his behavior, had he been tired a lot? Emily: Nothing. Doug: He was great, he was happy, he was just having a great time and then... Cameron: If he was experimenting with amphetamines or cocaine..? Emily: No. We gave him some pot about a year ago to try-- Doug: It was just once. We thought if we took the mystery out of drugs and alcohol, the less he'd experiment. Cameron: We'll know more after the test. Doug: It looks like they're going to electrocute him [Panics quietly.] [In the room below.] Foreman: Plug it in. Chase: You plug it in. Foreman: Fine, give me the cord. [He plugs it in, the galvanometer starts drawing the heart waves on to the paper.] Works. Prominent U waves. Chase: And a bit of T wave. No ischemia. Foreman: Q wave normal. [Looks again.] That's not good. [Adam suddenly starts to have a seizure.] Foreman: Chase! Turn it off! Turn it off! Doug: What's happening? Emily: What is that? Chase: [Into the intercom.] Anesthetist get in here. [Emily and Doug keep shouting as Cameron leaves the observation deck. Adam continues with his seizure.] (Cut to the Ducklings in front of the whiteboard in the conference room.) House: [Walking in.] Who electrocuted my patient? Foreman: He had a seizure. Cameron: He wasn't electrocuted. House: [Searching through some books on his shelves.] What does the seizure tell us? [Turns around to see Chase leaning against the desk.] Move. Cameron: What are you looking for? House: Same as you - love, acceptance, solid return on investment. [Searching the papers on the desk.] Differential diagnosis, go. Chase: Could be epilepsy or seizure disorder? Cameron: Not with the tachycardia. It could be a virus in his brain. Chase: Your specificity is impressive. Adrenoleukodystrophy. Foreman: Could be MS, seizures could be caused by plaques and lesions on the brain. House: [Finally finds the file he was looking for on another table and picks it up.] Well let's find out which, get an MRI. [Walks out.] Foreman: No nuclear imaging. [House walks back.] He wouldn't survive the move to radiology. MRI and CT scan are both out. House: [Big sigh.] Ok. Lumbar puncture will tell us if his proteins are elevated and at least we can exclude MS. [Walks out again.] Chase: Can't do a lumbar puncture either. [House walks back in again.] House: You're cramping my exits. Don't tell me, no skin on his spine. Chase: We'd be inserting a needle into an area that's teeming with bacteria. If he doesn't have a brain infection already, we'd give him one for sure. Cameron: There's no other way to look at a brain. House: Transcranial doppler sonography. Foreman: She said brain, not pregnant woman's uterus. They do sound alike. House: I used one to look at a brain this morning. Foreman: Why didn't you take the patient to radiology, get an MRI? House: [Looks behind to check if anyone's listening in.] Obviously I was doing something illegal and using nuclear imaging would have raised questions. Foreman: You're not going to get a diagnosis of MS from a sonogram! House: Not definitively, but patients with MS have more reactive neurons in their occipital cortex. [He walks out yet again, but quickly peers back in.] Ok then. (Cut to Cuddy speaking in front of people at the lecture theatre.) Cuddy: Thank you for all coming to today's lecture by Dr. Phillip Weber. Who is our guest today at our hospital to talk about... [She obviously doesn't know.] Headaches. Dr. Weber is at the Weber Center for Pain. That makes sense. [Mutters as though she is trying to remember something.] Weber, Weber. Erm, so please welcome Dr. Weber. [The audience claps, camera pans to House sitting alone wearing his trucker cap from Sports Medicine, a green jacket, and sunglasses.] Weber: Thank you Dr... [Pretends to check his file.] Cuddy. [The audience laughs. Cuddy pretends to smile but spares House a glare before exiting the lecture theatre.] I suppose I should tell you err... a little bit more about myself. [Wilson enters the hall and sits down next to House; he stares at House's strange outfit.] Weber: I went to school in Virginia. [You can hear him in the background.] Wilson: You've never been to one of these things in your life, who is this guy? House: [He shrugs.] No idea. Wilson: What's with the outfit? House: Sudden chills, and light sensitivity. Inexplicable. Weber: I received my medical degree at Johns Hopkins University, where I studied under Brightman and Gilmar. Wilson: [Looks thoughtful.] Hmm! He must be good. You went to Hopkins and studied under Brightman and Gilmar. House: Shhh... Weber: This helped me to win the Doyle internship at the Mayo Clinic. Wilson: You were supposed to get the Doyle internship. [He looks between House and Weber, suddenly realizing.] This guy's von Lieberman?! The guy got you thrown out for cheating? House: The Dean threw me out. Von Lieberman just ratted on me. Wilson: This guy's name is Weber, not von Lieberman. House: I call him Weber von Lieberman. Way eviler. Shh. Weber: --and the receptors have improved the acute treatment of migraines. To this point, the prevention of-- [He continues in the background.] Wilson: So what's the plan? You going to wait 'til he bends over then make a fart sound? House: I'm not here about the past, he's a bad scientist. Wilson: Well you cheated off him, how bad can he be? House: He got the answer wrong. (Foreman and Chase and a male nurse are preparing Adam for the sonogram. The male nurse is opening up Adam's eyes with metal propping-things to keep his eyes open. The parents and Cameron are watching from the observation deck.) Doug: Are they trying to wake him up? They can't do that, right? He'd be in too much pain. Cameron: Don't worry, he's still under, but the brain never completely sleeps, it's always working; controlling your heart rate, breathing, temperature. [Chase holds up cards with pictures on them in front of Adam's eyes, Foreman checks the effects on a screen and shakes his head.] Cameron: The eyes respond to visual stimuli, blood flow increases in certain areas in the brain and we contract that with the sonogram. With MS, blood vessels are more reactive so flow is faster. If Adam has an infection, they'd be swelling which would constrict the arteries, and the flow would be slower. Foreman: [Looks concerned.] Chase. Near the subarachnoid space. [Chase looks at the screen in alarm.] (Cut to Weber's lecture.) Weber: [Writing on the whiteboard.] Data from control subjects were analyzed in a two-way ANOVA with status and side as within subject factors.] Wilson: Uhh... you stalked this guy for 20 years just for this sht to humiliate him? House: Shh! I'm trying to learn. Weber: --vessels without significant rebound. [He continues in the background.] House: He doesn't even know what that means. Wilson: You're going to interrupt him, aren't you? House: If I have a question. Wilson: And what's that going to accomplish? House: Why can't you just enjoy this? Why can't you just be happy for me? Wilson: You have got to find less debilitating outlets than humiliating people! I... hear bowling is more fun than stalking. House: But I'm better at this. Weber: If P is less than point zero... [The door to the lecture theatre opens; Foreman quickly spots House and crouches in the row next to him.] Wilson: Blow a ton of money on a plasma TV. Foreman: We found a subarachnoid bleed. House: Bleed in the head isn't causing seizures. Wilson: It could be. 10% would damage the cerebral cortex and have seizure. Foreman: Or bacterial meningitis. Wilson: Viral encephalitis? Foreman: There's no way to tell without-- House: [Slightly too loud.] Shut up! Weber: [Stops and turns around.] Excuse me? House: Not you. Weber: You know if my lecture is interrupting your meeting I can wait. House: Bahatchat kria. [Wilson furrows his eyebrows in confusion.] As your people say in India, 'preciate it. [To Foreman.] We'll figure out why later. And fix the bleed or he dies. Talk to you in a couple of hours [Foreman leaves, to Weber.] Terimaki [He puts his hands together and nods his head in a gesture that clearly is supposed to mean thank you. The expression of confusion on Wilson's face is priceless.] (Cut back to Adam.) [Chase is inserting a wire into Adam's femoral artery, Foreman is controlling the sonogram.] Chase: I'm in the subarachnoid space. Foreman: Can you get it? Chase: Think so. [After a moment.] Put the probe back where I can see the wire! Foreman: We're looking for the bleed-- Chase: Look when I get there! I'm flying blind without a contrast CT here! (Cut back to Weber's lecture.) Weber: And with a P value of less than point zero zero one, we have strong statistical evidence that this drug prevents migraine headaches without daily administration. House: Err... excuse me doctor. Wilson: [Mutters to House.] He knows his field better than you do. House: It's always been my understanding that err, unless you follow a daily regimen, no drug can prevent a migraine. Weber: That's why they call it a breakthrough. House: That's why YOU call it a breakthrough. Weber: No, the... err pharmaceutical company sponsoring my clinical trials also hails it as a breakthrough. House: I'm sure your wife and lawyer do too. Is there anybody who doesn't stand to make a fortune from it calling a breakthrough? Weber: Who are you? Wilson: [Mutters to House.] Just a lunatic who desperately needs a hobby. House: And how exactly did these studies work? You give this drug to a bunch of people and if they don't get a migraine you go "voila, my drug works"? [He points to a lady sitting a few rows below him.] Erm, excuse me miss, uh do you have cancer? [She frowns in disbelief and shakes her head; House looks back up at Weber.] Wow! [He points to the bottle she's been drinking from.] Mango juice prevents cancer! Weber: Uh, perhaps I should have taken my medication before this lecture. [House gives an incredibly loud and high-pitched fake laugh.] Weber: We had a very specific control group. Chronic migraine sufferers, I don't have time to go through all the math right now but the incidence was dramatically-- House: Sure, in India. Two plus two equals five there, right? Weber: Do I know you? House: I know your math skills. They blow. Wilson: [Mutters.] Touch Weber: You sound very familiar. House: Why did you publish it in an obscure journal in India? Why not publish it in really, really cool head cases of South Philly? Weber: Neuroscience New Delhi is a respected journal. House: Yeah. The guy running Slurp 'N' Gulp tells me its one of the best. Wilson: [Mutters to House.] Get a hooker. Anything. House: See I'm thinking that publishing studies is probably the easiest way to get a pharmaceutical company to give you a reach around. And choosing a journal that no one can actually read well that's... that's shrewd. [Wilson is going facepalm beside him.] Weber: [Has been walking up the steps closer and closer to House.] I know I know you. House: Sure you do. Dick. Weber: The name's Phillip. House: Oh, my bad. Something to do with your face. I always think your name is Dick. Weber: [Realizes.] House?! House: Here. Weber: Medical school was 20 years ago, give it a rest, grow up. House: Yeah, you were always the grown-up. Do the responsible thing. Tattletale! Weber: You cheated! House: I cheated then, you're cheating now! Your drug doesn't work. Weber: Oh yes, you would like to believe that because it plays right in to your fantasy. House: I tested it. Weber: Oh really? What were your parameters? Where's your study? House: [Quickly looks over at Wilson.] Room 2134. Weber: One patient? Wilson: [Blurts out as it clicks.] The coma patient? [House gives Wilson a look.] Weber: You haven't changed a bit. You took shortcuts in Med school, you're taking shortcuts now. You cannot test this on an abnormal brain. House: That's so close-minded. He's not abnormal, he's... special. Weber: Cerebral cortex atrophies in coma patients. You need live conscious people. You don't know everything, House. (Cut to Chase and Foreman in the room with the hyperbaric chamber, Adam is inside.) Foreman: Something that disrupts brain function. Plaques are perfect, interrupt neuron communication. Chase: MS? Foreman: No. MS is complicated, I think this is more basic. It's just tachycardia and seizures. How much longer the burn unit guys gonna keep him in that thing? Cameron: [Enters with scrubs on.] Lecture's over, let's go. House wants to-- [She peers into the hyperbaric chamber and can see Adam's eyelids flicking open and close.] Adam's waking up. Foreman: [Into the intercom.] Get the anesthesiologist in here now! Cameron: He's in pain. Foreman: [Looks in through the other window in the chamber.] That's not pain. [Back into the intercom.] Need some help in here. [In the chamber, Adam's gasping, his body is arching slightly and his eyelids are still flickering.] (Cut to House in his office.) [He ties a band around his upper arm and takes out a needle with which he injects some of Weber's miraculous migraine medicine into his own bloodstream. He reaches for the next bottle - nitroglycerin (which causes severe migraines) and he injects a measure of that into himself too. Loosening the band around his arm and taking it off, he sits back in his chair as Cameron enters the office.] Cameron: Adam had an orgasm. House: What? You mean while he was se-- [He suddenly gasps in the middle of the word and slams his hand down hard on to the table. Cameron jumps a little in surprise. House's expression could really either be interpreted as immense pleasure of the orgasmic variety, or immense pain.] Cameron: What's wrong? House: I'm having a migraine. Cameron: Are you ok? House: Hah. Yes. I was right. [A strong burst of pain hits him hard and he groans before pushing his clenched fists against his forehead.] (Cut to later, House in his office, all the blinds have been pulled to cover the place in darkness.) [Foreman is there using another needle to inject House with help for his migraine.] Foreman: It'll knock you out for a couple of hours. House: [Weakly.] No, I got work to do. Just give me sumatriptan for the pain and Verapamil so it doesn't recur. I heard the patient had fun in the hyperbaric chamber. Foreman: Yeah. House: Gotta schedule me some time in there. Foreman: [Takes the bottle of Weber's cure from House's hand.] Weber's meds aren't even legal in the US. House: It's legal in India. I was disoriented. [Foreman finishes with the injections and House tries to stand up.] Foreman: Err... moving around is a bad idea. Hey if you feel chest pain you need to let me know. Verapamil can cause congestive heart failure. House: Nothing can hurt my heart. [He enters into the conference room, Chase and Cameron immediately get up to switch off the lights and draw the blinds for House.] Foreman: Hey you're going to feel some dizziness, definitely going to be constipated. House: Differential diagnosis for getting off. [Sits himself down on a chair at the big table.] Cameron: Is he going to be ok? Foreman: No, something's seriously wrong with him. [He draws a circle on the side of his forehead in the almost-universal gesture of a crazy person.] House: [Pushes the chair aside and lies down on the floor under the table.] Different diagnosis for ejaculation. [He takes a huge book off the table top and uses it as a pillow.] Don't make me say that again. Foreman: We're not stalling you, we just don't know. [The Ducklings all take seats around where their mentor lies.] House: Then guess. Cameron: Could pain medication cause an orgasm? House: I wish. Chase: Maybe pain caused the orgasm. You get a tattoo; the brain releases endorphins which create pleasure. Cameron: Most people don't orgasm from a needle prick. House: Actually Chase has a point; the brain is like a huge train station. If the switches get-- [Looks like the pain is back full swing, he gasps.] -- you're the neurologist, talk for me. Foreman: If sensory information got misinterpreted by the medial forebrain bundle, it's possible for bad to feel good and good to feel bad. House: He's a lucky kid. Let's not fix him until the burns heal. Chase: So what attcks the medial forebrain bundle? Foreman: Infected neuropathies, vasculitic neuropathies Cameron: Crab's disease, metachromatic leukodystrophy. House: All very bad things. No way to look for any of them in his condition. Cameron: Could be an infection. Foreman: I said infection about 8 seconds ago. Cameron: You listed some brain infections, but what if it's just a regular old infection festering in the brned skin? Foreman: Pus on his arm isn't causing problems in the forebrain. Cameron: He's on 20 different medications to manage his pain and his heart, how often he urinates. His brain is like a waiter that's got too many-- House: Heyy! I do the metaphors. Cameron: [Sighs.] The brain is stressed. An infection's elsewhere could put it over the edge. Foreman: So we just wait for his burns to heal to see if you're right? If you're wrong, he doesn't have that kind of time. House: Dominic Larrey. Chase: He another dad doctor? House: He was Napoleon's Surgeon in Chief. Cleaned a lot of battle wounds. Foreman: By amputating legs. House: And with bugs. (Cut to maggots being placed on Adam's chest all over his burns. Um. Ew.) Cameron: Maggots are implanted directly into Adam's burns. Doug: Maggots... they eat dad people, I... Cameron: Maggots eat dad flesh, only dad flesh, so they're perfectly suited to clean wounds. They also kll the bacteria that thrive in injured tissues. [Parents are looking fairly disgusted at the maggots crawling all over their son.] (Cut to House sitting in his office looking very haggard. He looks at his red coffee mug across the room and slowly gets up and limps along with his cane to try and get it.) [Wilson enters the office with a rather loud clanging of the blinds in place.] House: Ohh! [He grimaces.] Wilson: [Standing there with hands on his hips.] Dr. Jekyll I presume, they found a half-eaten sheep in the zoo, police wanna ask you a few questions. House: [Points at the mug.] Need something to wash it down. Wilson: Coffee? Bad idea. [He raises his voice deliberately so the volume almost sounds like shouting - obviously he's trying to trture poor House with his migraine.] You're better off with water. House: Coffee's closer. Wilson: [Grabs the mug before House and dashes off into the conference room.] Fool-proof plan by the way. Either his meds would work and you'd be in psychic pain because von Evil is going to be rich. Or they wouldn't, and you got to be in agony all day. [Wilson pours a glass of water for House, but takes all the teaspoons on the counter and dumps them into the sink deliberately with a LOUD clang. House grimaces again.] Perfect lose-lose situation. Very you. House: I had to prove-- Wilson: You proved nothing. [He hands House the glass of water.] House: Right. This isn't a migraine. Wilson: Yeah. Dear New England Journal of Medicine, I took this guy's drug and still got a headache thus scientifically proving that my archenemy is an idiot. You just wanted the pain. House: The meds are supposed to prevent migraine. Wilson: You get distracted by pain, leaves less room for the things you don't want to think about, like the Flyers sucking or the price of gas or... ohh, the fact that you pushed the love of your life out of your life. House: God I wish the pain, [Turns his head to give Wilson a pointed look.] would go away. Wilson: Next time you need to get your mind off her, stick a needle into your eye. It's less annoying to the rest of us when you can still walk. [Wilson walks out; House grimaces once again at the sound of the blinds.] (Cut to the next morning, House is lying asleep on the floor.) Cameron: Did you sleep here? House: [Suddenly wakes up and looks at the Ducklings all looking worriedly at him.] Lower. Cameron: [Whispers.] Do you want a pillow? House: Not softer, lower. Frequency of your voice is grating. Foreman: You should have been better by now. House: I'm super. Patient? Cameron: The maggots did great for the burn [Sighs.] but the brainwaves are still all over the map. House: Which means your regular old infection isn't causing his brain dysfunction, which means there's an underlying condition which means we gotta get inside his head. Do a lumbar puncture. Chase: We've already established that we can't get a lumbar puncture. House: C2, C3. Foreman: No, no, NO way. I only saw a cervical tap once and that guy got paralyzed. House: Ask the parents if they prefer to have their son in a wheelchair, or dad. (Cut to Foreman talking to the parents) Foreman: Something's causing his brain to lose control. Eventually it'll shut off. We need to do a lumbar puncture to get some of the fluid in his spine so we can test it. Emily: You need us to sign a consent? Foreman: I have to warn you, there's a serious risk of paralysis, or death. Doug: Are you saying we shouldn't do this? Foreman: You have to do this. Emily: Then why are you telling us what can go wrong? Foreman: I just think you should know. Emily: Either you're cruel or this is a way for you to cover your ass incase you cripple our son! Doug: This isn't his fault. Emily: No it's not; it's yours, that's what you keep telling me! My son is lying in there half-dad I am just trying to find a way to get through this. [She signs the form quickly.] Doug: I'm sorry. Emily: Yeah, I know. [She walks off.] (Cut to Adam, the last of the maggots are removed and they turn him on his side. Foreman starts to perform the cervical tap.) Foreman: Needle. [Chase passes it to him.] [Foreman tries to push it in but it won't go through.] Foreman: It's not going in. Chase: Don't force it. Foreman: I'm going one space higher. Chase: It's too close to his brain stem, it'll herniate. [Foreman looks determined.] You're going to paralyze him! Foreman: Not helping! [The monitors start beeping.] Chase: His blood pressure's spiking, stop! Foreman: I'm getting it. Chase: He's 180 over 120, he's going to stroke! Foreman: I'm in the space, give me the vial. [Chase quickly does so and they collect the spinal fluid. The monitors stop beeping erratically.] (Cut to House sitting alone on the balcony, a blanket covering the lower half of his body. He looks tired and haggard.) [Foreman walks out to join him.] Foreman: He doesn't have MS or an infection. House: His proteins aren't elevated? Foreman: Wrong protein. IGM, not IGG. Elevation was probably caused by the bleed. House: What if there was tingling in his extremities prior to the crash? Foreman: How can you still be on MS? House: I gotta be on something. Something's interrupting his neurons chitchat, like lesions. Foreman: We can't scan for them, the only test we can do, we just did and it was negative. He has no tingling, no numbness. And you read his history; parents didn't say anything about-- House: What about Adam? Foreman: We can't look into his brain but you want us to read his mind? House: Good point. (Cut to some doctors/nurses taking care of Adam, House walks in with scrubs on.) House: Yeah, you can finish the sponge bath in a minute. Anesthesiologist: They're just re-doing his dressings. He's out. He's fine. [Some of the little doctors move out of the room.] House: I didn't page you to put him out; I paged you to wake him up. Why are these lights so damn bright? [One of the little doctors switches off some of the lights and leaves House and the Anesthesiologist together with Adam.] House: Thank you. Come on, I need to talk to him. Anesthesiologist: House, you can't wake up a burn victim to play 20 questions. It's trture. House: He won't remember. Anesthesiologist: He's going to be in extraordinary pain! House: God you're good, you're putting me to sleep! I know he's going to be in pain, I know you disapprove, I'm his attending. Wake him up. [The Anesthesiologist looks pissed but reluctantly injects something to wake Adam up. Adam's eyes slowly flicker open. He looks overwhelmed with pain.] Adam: Oh my god! House: I'm Doctor House. Adam: It hurts! House: It's going to get a lot worse so answer fast. Before the accident did you experience any numbness or tingling in your fingers? [Adam looks down at the burns on his chest, he's panicking and scared and in a LOT of pain.] You got brned, it's healing. I need an answer! Adam: It really hurts! House: Any tingling in your arms or legs? Adam: Can you do something? I can't..! House: Adam! You gotta listen to me! Did you feel anything? Adam: [Screams in pain.] Pissed my pants and... then... I don't remember. [He screams again very loudly, they inject something to sedate him again.] (Cut to House walking out into the corridors still with scrubs on. Cameron is waiting for him.) Cameron: Is he ok? House: Get everyone in my office. [He limps past her.] Cameron: Where are you going? House: Kid's screaming gave me a headache. Gotta take an aspirin. (Cut to the SHOWER SCENE) [House is naked under the shower; we see him very wet and relaxing under the shower spray as the music starts. The shower goes off and he pulls the towel from the top of the door and opens the door. He steps out and wraps the towel around his waist, then limps to sit down on the bench in the locker room. He hunches over and rests his arms on his knees then stares down at the floor. A droplet of water from his face drops to the floor and turns a bright blue color. This then proceeds to turn red and look very psychedelic and has 3D bubbling things.] Cameron: House, you ok? We've been waiting for you. House: [He slowly looks up at her.] I'm hallucinating. Cameron: [She puts her stuff down hurriedly.] Hallucinations with migraines are pretty uncommon. [She checks his pupils.] What did you see? House: I saw music. Cameron: Sensory deception makes no sense. House: Shhh... [We see Cameron through House's eyes, she's all blurred up. We also hear her from House's ears and she echoes badly.] Cameron: You took something. The kid's fighting for his life! [House looks very high and doesn't seem to really care at all. She walks out in a huff, House lies back against the wall in his high state as the music swells. Get miles away by Gomez.] (Cut to Cameron in the conference room, Foreman and Chase walk in.) Foreman: Hey, you find him? Cameron: He was hallucinating in the locker room. Foreman: He ok? Cameron: He's feeling no pain, he is high. Chase: Vicodin high? Cameron: Past that. He's seeing sounds. Took something. [Suddenly, House walks in. He looks alert and completely out of pain as well as definitely not being high either.] House: Why's it so dark in here? Beautiful day outside, open the shades, let the sun shine in. Cameron: Its night time. House: It's still Tuesday, right? Foreman: You look better. House: I took something. Foreman: Mind if I ask what? House: Err... a little of this, little of that. And I was wrong with our patient, he's depressed. Cameron: He told you that when you woke him up? House: Nope. Told me he pissed his pants and he blacked out. Foreman: That's not diagnostic of depression. Lack of appetite, isolating yourself-- House: Uncontrollable urination and blacking out are good predictors of what? Cameron: Seizure. House: Which means the seizure he had when you tested his heart was at least a second seizure. Foreman: So what? Depression and seizures aren't correlated. House: No, but you know what is? Depression and anti-depression medicine. Chase: Tox screen was clean. House: Yeah, but you know how much crap he's got in his system from dealing with those burns, the guy could have the Spanish Armada floating through his bloodstream and we wouldn't know about it. Until they started fring cannons. Foreman: Antidepressants have been known to cause seizures in kids but not orgasms. This is a brain in trouble. House: This is a brain with too much serotonin. Cameron: Serotonin affects mood, appetite, it doesn't cause a brain to shut down. House: Antidepressants fake brains into thinking they have more serotonin than they actually do. Every 10 million or so cases, sets off a chain reaction; produces too much, enough to fry itself. Foreman: If Adam has Serotonin Storm, it's deadly. Chase: But treatable. Cyproheptadine. Cameron: Unless he doesn't have Serotonin Storm, he could just as easily have too much dopamine as serotonin, but if it's dopamine the cyproheptadine will kll him. [House is about walk out of the office.] Chase: Where are you going? House: Going to talk to the kid again, seems nice. Cameron: You can't. House: Why? Did he say he doesn't like me? Cameron: Anesthesiologist told the parents what you did. House: Everyone's a tattletale. [He switches off the lights in the office and leaves.] (House walks up to the parents sitting together on a couch.) House: Is your son depressed? Emily: No, who are you? House: I'm doctor House. Emily: Oh you're the idiot who thought that-- Doug: I heard him screaming all the way down the hallway! House: If I didn't wake him, I wouldn't have learned what caused the crash. We think he had a seizure. Doug: [Long pause.] This wasn't my fault? House: Well if he hadn't had the brain problem, he wouldn't have the burns. On the other hand, if you hadn't put him on the ATV, he also wouldn't have the burns. You can debate your personal responsibility after I leave. I need to wake him up again. I need to know if he's taking antidepressants. Emily: He's not. Doug: He's the happiest kid I know. House: But you don't know, do you? Doug: He's my son. House: Hmm... that's sorta my point. At sixteen, they'll tell anyone anything, except their parents. Emily: Adam talks to us about everything. House: Yeah, I know about the pot and the cocaine. Emily: There was never... cocaine! What... House: You sure? Are you having him followed? Emily: He told us when he got drunk at a party; he told us when he started having sex-- House: Sixteen. Way to go. Emily: He told us when he cheated on a math test; he told us when his girlfriend cheated on him! He doesn't hide anything from us. House: But if he was depressed... Emily: He'd tell us. We don't judge, he's not depressed, we're sure. House: Bet-his-life-on-it sure? Just hypothetically. Doug: Yeah. House: Okay. (Cut to House walking back to the Ducklings in the conference room.) House: Kid's happy; happy, happy, happy. Cameron: Then we're back to where we started. Seizure disorders. House: Seizure disorders aren't causing orgasms. Chase: Vascular malformations? House: Would have seen it on the sonogram. Foreman: Hepatic encephalopathy? House: [Shakes his head.] Liver enzyme tests were normal. [He looks like he's thought of something and gets up to go out again.] Cameron: Where are you going? House: To take a leak. (Cut to Adam's room, House has scrubbed in and is washing his hands in the prep room.) [The parents anxiously walk in.] Doug: What are you doing? House: Can't come in here, you're not sterile. Emily: Don't touch our son, we told you! House: Seriously, millions of bacteria, microbes on you. He'll die of sepsis. Emily: If you go in there... [House tauntingly steps into the room backwards while the parents watch him; Doug quickly runs off and runs back down the corridor with Foreman.] Doug: I think he's going to wake him up again! Foreman: I know he is. [He rushes into the prep room and quickly tries to wash his hands.] House! You can't do this! House: Oh if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that. Relax. Are they going to sue us? If I'm right, I save his life. If I'm wrong, he's dad no matter what I do. Either way, how much have I really hurt them? [House has loaded up a syringe with whatever it is he plans to inject Adam with.] Emily: [From outside the room.] Leave him alone! [Foreman runs in and places himself next to the kid, desperately trying to stop House.] House: You're not sterile; do you want to kll the kid? Foreman: Give me the syringe. House: [Prepares to use the syringe.] No pain, no gain. Foreman: Hey! [He grabs House's arm.] You gotta stop this! House: [Has paused by that point and is inspecting something on Adam's wrist.] They're right, he's not depressed. Foreman: Yeah sure, I'm not letting you go until you give me that syringe. House: What's that on his wrist? Foreman: [He looks down at it - it's a circular burn mark on Adam's wrist in the middle of what is otherwise unblemished skin.] A burn. House: Why on his wrist? Foreman: Why not on his wrist? House: His back, his torso, everything's a mess, forearms are clean. Except right there. Foreman: So what? House: It's a perfect circle. Foreman: So a drop of burning gasoline fell on his wrist, a screw from the ATV [He manages to finally get the syringe from House.] House: Maybe. [He inspects Adam's fingers and finds a yellow nicotine stain on the side of Adam's middle finger.] (Cut to House walking out of Adam's room - he doesn't have his cane and is grabbing his leg as he limps.) Emily: Why are you torturing him? House: Does your son smoke? Doug: I'd kll him. House: [Smiles.] So, he talks to you about sex, crack, anything except cigarettes. He has a cigarette burn on his wrist, also a fading nicotine stain between two fingers. Bad news, your son has a filthy, unhealthy habit. Good news, he's trying to quit. Bad news, the quitting is klling him. Good news, I can cure him. Bad news... nope, that's the end of it. Emily: Quitting smoking can kll? House: No-smoke meds are antidepressants. Crappy ones you can get over the internet are loaded with whatever antidepressants they can get cheap. [Foreman walks out and hands House his cane.] Since mommy and daddy obviously didn't take him to a pediatrician. Sorry I was wrong about him being depressed. [To Foreman.] Treat him. (Cut to House playing with the ball as he sits in his chair in the office staring out the window.) Cuddy: [Walking in.] Hey, did you drop acid? House: [Swivels his chair around.] Why would I do that? Cuddy: To annoy me, or maybe because you're miserable, or... because you... want to self-destruct. Pick one. House: How about because LSD acts on serotonin receptors in the brain which can stop a migraine in its tracks? I'm just saying that's also a possibility. How did you know about it? Cuddy: Cameron is worried about you. I told her that LSD lasts up to 12 hours; if you were functional she must be wrong. House: Well, either that or I also took a whole bunch of antidepressants which short-circuited the LSD. I'm just saying that would also explain it. [Weber suddenly bursts into House's office angrily.] Weber: Thank you for ruining my clinical trials. Pharmaceutical company is shutting me down. House: You're kidding, really? Weber: How could that surprise you? You sent them an email complaining about my math, telling them about your stunt. House: I didn't know people actually read emails. The delete button is so conveniently located-- Weber: So what's next? You going to follow me my whole life? trture me? House: Why would I do that? Weber: You waited 20 years to do this. What's next? Break up my marriage? House: No. We're even. Weber: Right. [He starts to walk out, then stops and looks at Cuddy.] Oh thanks, for setting me up. [He walks out, Cuddy gives House a disbelieving look.] House: An eye for an eye, LSD and antidepressants. Everything in balance. [He starts tossing the ball into the air and then catching it.] Buddhists call it karma and Christians call it the golden rule, Jews call it... [Cuddy gives inquiring look.] I don't know. Rabbi Hillel said something poignant. Universe always settles the score. Cuddy: Does it? House: No, but it should. (Cut to Adam on his bed looking much better, parents standing outside the room looking in.) Doug: Do you think you'll ever be able to look at him and not blame me? Emily: Yeah. Will you? [Adam opens his eyes and turns over to look at them. They all smile at each other.] (Cut to House sitting alone in his home. its night time, he's fiddling with his cane.) [There's a knock at the door. House finishes his drink (scotch or whiskey) and gets up. He hesitates a moment at the door before opening it. We see from the back that the person standing at the door has long black hair.] Stranger at the door: I'm Paula. House: Hey Paula. [We now see Paula who is a beautiful young lady.] Paula: How you doing? You work over at the college? Or are you full-time over at the-- House: I'm looking for a distraction. You don't need to talk to do that, do you? [Paula smiles, shakes her head and walks in; House closes the door behind her.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x12 - Distractions"}	foreverdreaming
(Open on a runway show; models, fur, photographers. Backstage Alex is getting ready to go on. She's young, she's hot... she needs to eat a cookie.) Alex: Ugh. I think I'm gonna puke. Austin: Not on this dress. Alex: I'm serious. Austin: Kate Moss was doing this at 13 you have 2 years on her. (She smiles.) Yeah, that's what I like to see. You got this. Next show, you're bride. Dad: Did Austin just offer you bride? Alex: It wasn't a real offer daddy he was just being nice. These shoes are gonna be impossible to walk in. Dad: You've done this a hundred times before all right. The runway is just a little bit longer here. Alex: One of the girls said Madonna's in the front row. Dad: Sweetie, sweetie, hey. Come on. Are you going to be able to do this? All right. Come here, come here. (He leads her behind a rack of clothes.) Here, hold this. (He hands her his glass of champagne.) The doctor gave me these for anxiety, all right. It'll calm you down. Here. Come on its okay. (He hands her a pill.) Austin: Where's Alex? Alex you're up. (She takes the pill with the champagne.) Dad: Go, go, go; knock them out. (She walks the runway but something is wrong. She stumbles, drops the hideous coat. Her vision is blurry, she blinks like she's stoned as flash bulbs go off all over the place.) Model: Are you okay? (Alex hits her with a wicked right hook, knocking her off the runway and into the crowd. Must have thought dad meant it literally.) Dad: Alex! (She stumbles and falls onto the runway amid a flurry of camera flashes close on her staring straight up, eyes wide open) (Ryan Adams 'Desire' plays as the camera pans from rain falling on the window to the clock; it flips to 9:19 am and the alarm goes off. House is lying in bed, fumbles with the clock to turn off the alarm, throws off the covers and massages his leg. He sits up gingerly, obviously in pain and stumbles and falls back when he tries to stand. He massages the leg some more while sitting on the edge of bed.) Clinic Area Wilson: How'd you get here? House: By osmosis. Wilson: No helmet? House: Didn't seem like riding weather. Wilson: And the fact that you can barely stand upright had nothing to do with it? House: Infarctions hurt that's what they do. Cuddy: (She tries to hand him a file as they walk past.) House. (He ignores her.) Wilson: Worsening pain could actually be a good thing, means the nerves might be regenerating. House: Could be good, could be bad. Thanks for the differential. Any other options? Wilson: Have you ever considered a career as a motivational speaker? Why don't you check out some rehab? House: I did the rehab thing. Wilson: One session and you didn't even finish that session. House: The guy wanted me to visualize the healing. (e opens his pills.) I can do that at home. Wilson: At least let me get you an MRI. House: It's a very simple equation; more pain, more pills. (He takes a pill.) Cuddy: Teenage super model. Presented with double vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataple-- House: You had me at teenage supermodel. (He enters the elevator.) Alex's Room Dad: You okay? (She nods, House enters.) House: Wow you should be a model. Are you really 15? Dad: Who are you? House: I'll be the one saving her life today; assuming she's dying. Who are you? Alex: He's my father. Dad: Any idea what's wrong with her? House: From the looks of it, not a single thing. I probably should stop staring and check out the file. So what set off the brawl? She stand in your light? Alex: I didn't even know her. I didn't know what happened. Dad: Look I know some models are notorious for hissy fits, but Alex, I've never even seen her get angry. Even when she was a kid she was-- House: I'm sure she was delightful in her youth. And then you passed out. Alex: I was passed out but I wasn't. I... I knew what was going on but I couldn't move or talk. House: Yeah, sounds like a medical thing. It's called cataplexy; cat fight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool. How much were you drinking? Dad: She only had one sip of champagne. (House rolls his eyes.) House: Forget it. We'll find out from the tox screen. Dad: All right, look, I gave her a valium. You think that's what did this? House: No. How long have you had the sweats? Alex: A couple of days. House: Any other complaints? Alex: Uh, my stomachs been bothering me, and I've been feeling a little nauseous. House: Okay. Here's how this works; my lackeys will be by shortly to draw some blood, collect some urine, any other fluids you've got, they'll do some other doctorly stuff and we'll be in touch. (He walks out into the hall where Cameron is waiting.) Cameron: Since when do you voluntarily go see patients? House: Have you seen her? Cameron: She's fifteen. House: Yeah, but there's something about her. Something in her eyes, a kind maturity. Cameron: Yeah, yeah, she's an old soul. This is creepy even for you. House: She's a fashion model, on the cover of magazines. They hold her up as a sexual ideal; the law says we can't touch her for three more years. How hypocritical is that? Cameron: Did the history reveal anything, oh I don't know, medically relevant. House: History. Right, knew I was forgetting something. You should do one of those while you're writing the labs and the tox screen. (He hands her the file.) Conference Room (House is rubbing his leg under the table.) Cameron: Labs show valium and heroin in her urine. Chase: A super model on smack, shocker. House; Oh Alex, I expected so much more from you. Heroine chic is so five years ago. Foreman: Okay, let's start crossing out withdrawal symptoms. (He goes over to the whiteboard.) Cameron: A positive test means she tried it once. Doesn't mean she's an addict. She's only fifteen. Foreman: There's no age limit on addiction. House: He's right. Chase: She's never menstruated. Sounds like a symptom of drug addiction to me. Cameron: Or bulimia, or her age. Some girls don't start till their mid to late teens. House: Evidence to the contrary; the rounded hips, the perfectly sculpted bountiful breasts. Chase: Implants. I've seen some of her photos. They've grow dramatically since last summer. House: Symptomatic of turning fourteen. Two clinic hours says that those love apples were hand crafted by God. (Foreman scoffs.) Foreman: I thought you didn't believe in God. House: I do now. Chase: You're on. Cameron: Could we talk about her health instead of her breasts? House: Could be relevant. Come on Cameron, there's nothing to be ashamed of, many women develop breasts -- (He gets up while he's talking and stumbles, they all look at him.) No, I'm fine. Cameron: Even if she is an addict a lot of her symptoms, the cataplexy, the volence, they could be neurological. We chalk this up to drugs we could be releasing her with juvenile MS, or Parkinson's -- House: Detox her. Foreman: Fine. We'll set her up on a program; they'll wean her onto the methadone. House: And in four weeks we'll know you're right. Or we'll know that Cameron's right and the pretty girl will do Milan next fall in a wheelchair. Put her in a coma, pump her full of naltrexone. Cut the four weeks to one night. Hallway Outside Alex's Room. Foreman: Lab reports show that your daughter had heroine in her system. Were you aware of her drug use? Dad: No. Foreman: We think she's suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Detoxing generally takes several weeks; the danger is that if the drugs are masking some other illness it could worsen before we've weaned her off the heroine. Dad: Well, how much worse? Foreman: We don't know, because we don't know what's wrong. There is a rapid detox procedure. We flush her system with an opioid antagonist. It'll end her addiction over night. But the process is dangerous, because we have to induce a coma. It also means that if she ever relapses there's a good chance she'll overdose, because her body won't react to the drug. Dad: So either way, I'm... I'm risking her life. Do you have to tell her how dangerous it is? Alex's Room (Dad watches through the window.) Alex: Is it dangerous? Foreman: There are certain risks; we've gone over them with your father. Alex: And he's not worried? Foreman; He's your dad. He's always gonna worry, but he knows we're going to take good care of you. Alex: Oh, everything's starting to hurt. My legs-- Chase: Heroine withdrawal is an extremely painful process but we're going to put you to sleep. You won't feel a thing. Alex: Promise? Chase: I promise. Alex: It was a pretty stupid thing to do, huh. Chase: Getting hooked on drugs? Yeah not the best move you've ever made. Alex: I just, I thought it would be fun. Chase: You don't have to explain to us. Alex: A lot of the other girls were-- Chase: When you wake up, you'll feel a lot better. (Dad watches from the observation window while she sleeps; suddenly her heart rate goes crazy and then she flat lines.) Dad: Nurse! Nurse! Commercial Break: Buy things! Hallway Outside Alex's Room Dad: You son of a bitch you klled her. House: She's not dad. Dad: She had a heart attck! Foreman: She's sab now. The anesthesia... Dad: Get her out of that coma. House: I don't think so. (He starts to walk away.) Dad: Stop this. Alright, I... I don't consent anymore. I want to do the slow detox. House: (He stops and faces the father.) Did you ever get a paper cut? A really nasty one, between the fingers? Multiply that by about a billion and you just barely approach the kind of suffering she'll experience if we wake her up now. We're committed to this. She's out till morning go get a book. (He walks away.) In the clinic George: I haven't slept in weeks, because my teeth hurt. Dentist couldn't find any cavities. And I'm getting these headaches. House: Oh, poor you. (He pulls out his pills.) George: I think I'm going crazy. And my stomach, I roll out of bed and I want to puke. House: I take it you're married. (He takes a pill.) George: You must be psychic. (He holds up his left hand with wedding ring clearly visible.) House: You must be witty. When's she due? George: How'd you know she was-- House: Because I'm doing her. You've got couvades syndrome; which is just a fancy way of saying you should stop whining. Millions of women have got the same thing, they're not bugging me. You're suffering from sympathetic pregnancy. Gotta go. People dying. Whole circle of life thing. (He gets up to leave.) George: It's all in my head? House: No, it's all in your hormones. Good news is no ones gonna lecture you if you smoke and get drunk. Alex's Room Dad: Shouldn't she be awake by now? Chase: It's only been a half an hours since we stopped the medicine. Dad: Well, you said that's how long it would take. Chase: I said it would take about a half an hour. Dad: Couldn't this mean something more? Chase: So far it means nothing. Dad: She had a heart attck. She could have brain damage. She cold have something more... Chase: She's opening her eyes. Alex are you okay? Can you hear me? Alex: Huh. I got the cute doctor. Chase: Heh. (He smiles.) Do you feel any pain? (She shakes her head.) Good let us know if anything changes; if your stomach doesn't feel right, anything. (He moves away.) Alex: Are you mad at me daddy? I let you down. Dad: No, no, not at all sweetie. Alex: I should have been more mature. I should have handled the pressure. Dad: Stop, stop. We're going to get you better, all right. Nothing else matters. Chase: Excuse me. We've got you on what we call a banana bag; vitamins, nutrients. Alex: I got the cute doctor. Are you mad at me daddy? I let you down. Dad: What's going on? Alex: I should have been more mature. I should have handled the pressure. Dad: What's wrong with her? Foreman: Anterograde amnesia, short term memory loss, evidence of a hypoxic brain injury; might be the result of getting cut off from the oxygen when she flat lined. Probably the result of that rapid detox you told us to push on her. You gonna put that down? (House puts down his 'Celeb' magazine and inhales, holds his breath.) You gonna sulk? (House shakes his head.) I'm not gonna indulge you. (House checks his watch.) Treatment for hypoxic brain injuries consist of... (House exhales.) House: Cameron, Chase and the dark one; Foreman, right? Patient flat lined for like 30 seconds, got to be oxygen deprived for longer than that to lose brain function. Cameron: We can't be sure how long she was-- House: Her brain's fine. Foreman: Memory loss. You're saying that's not a neurological symptom? House: No. I'm saying what I'm saying. Her brain's fine. Chase: She's faking? House: She's got post traumatic stress disorder. Chase: We got models fighting in Iraq now? House: Show me a woman on heroine who looks like that (He hold up a magazine picture of Alex.) and I'll show you a woman who's been sexually abused. Cameron: That's your proof? That she's good looking? House: He manages her career, travels the world with her, at her side 24/7; he's either a very good dad or a very bad dad. You saw that tuchas, would the fact that she's your daughter really stop you? Chase: (Scoffing.) Oh. House: Her brain is running away from reality. When the drugs can't do it anymore it starts to shut down. Foreman: Your theory has the advantages of being completely unprovable and completely exculpating you. House: When you guys are done talking do an MRI and an LP; when her brain checks out as normal then we'll know that daddy really, really loves her. Clinic Cuddy: Where's House? Nurse: Said he was in too much pain to work. Cuddy: Who's covering? Nurse: He called 15 minutes after his shift started, too late to find anybody. (The nurse hands Cuddy a file.) Exam room 1. Exam Room 1 Cuddy: Hi George: Where's doctor House? Cuddy: Wish I knew. What's the problem? George: It's personal. Cuddy: And its so personal he didn't bother writing anything in your chart. George: It's getting worse. Cuddy: What is? George: It's personal. Cuddy: Fine. You can wait. George: Doctor. (He opens his shirt... he's got breasts.) Cuddy: I'll tell you what. I am gonna give you Dr. House's personal pager number. Walk & Talk Foreman: Why would your mind go to abuse so fast? House: I had a funny uncle. Foreman: You were abused? House; What? No. Why would your mind go to that so fast I just had a funny uncle; great stories, always filthy. Foreman: I don't know if it has something to do with this case or if you have something personal going on. The whole break up thing-- House: It's personal. Foreman: House. Your pain is affecting your decision making. House: You got a problem with a call I make, question the call don't make it personal. Foreman: Are you saying pain can't affect your mood? If I'm right about the pain you're going to want to rush everything; which is what you're doing. Don't. House: (House looks like it may have made an impact.) Thank you. Are you doing your daughter? Dad: What? House: We should probably talk privately huh, come on, walk with me. (Foreman shakes his head.) Dad: I'm not. House: He's not. Sure he's not. She is a babe though. MRI Lab (Alex's toes are twitching.) Chase: We're gonna need you to keep still. Alex: (Her toes are still wiggling.) I am. Cameron: What do you think that means? Chase: It's either neurological or psychological. The only thing we know for sure is that it's gonna screw up the MRI results which is gonna make House think he's right. Cameron: This is a waste of time let's just get the LP. In a Bathroom Dad: I should take your head off. (House checks the dad's glands.) House: Your glands are fine. So now you're my patient. You've got doctor-patient confidentiality, no worries. So what did you do to her? Dad: How could you possibly think? House: Hard to imagine anyone not wanting to nail her. Dad: You son of a-- House: It's a compliment. The heart shaped ass, those perfect perky all natural breasts. Dad: That is my daughter you're talking about. House: No, that's your daughter you were talking about. (House opens his magazine.) 'She just instinctively knows how to walk. Designers just love that heart shaped ass, those perfect perky--' Dad: I'm her manager I have to promote her. House: Oh, that makes sense. So you compartmentalize. When you're dealing with the press you're her manager. When you're helping with homework you're her dad. When you're making sweet, sweet love you're her manager. Dad: All right. (He starts to leave.) House: Do you love her? Dad: I never touched her. House: Do you lover her? Dad: What are you doing? Trying to trap me into saying-- House: Do you love her enough to admit that you slept with her? Psychological conditions can manifest themselves in physical problems. Sometimes these can be extreme enough to kll. There are treatments, but only if there's a diagnosis. Are you going to admit that you slept with your daughter or are you just gonna let her die? Dad: One time. (House throws the magazine in the trash and walks out.) In the Lab House: PTSD. Get her a psych referral and pack her bags. He did her. Cameron: Don't think so. House: Daddy thinks so. Could be mistaken, said he was drunk, could be some other daughter. Chase: Elevated proteins in her CSF. (He hands House the test results.) Foreman: You're wrong about PTSD, and I was wrong about the hypoxic brain injury. Daddy didn't do this to her and neither did we. Commercial Break: Buy Stuff!! Cameron: We have to call child protective services. House: Doctor-patient confidentiality. Cameron: Doesn't apply in abuse cases, you know that. We're mandated to report sexual abuse. House: Is it okay if I save her life first or do you want to make sure daddy doesn't get visitation rights to the grave site? Foreman: Okay elevated proteins in her CSF could mean dozens of different things, viral encephalitis, CNSV. Chase: Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. Cameron: So we're just gonna leave a child molester in the same room as his victim? House: It's got windows. (She glares at him.) Fine, arrest him. Use Cuddy's handcuffs. Cameron: If you're too distracted to deal with this because your leg hurts. House: (Loud and angrily.) Yeah, I'm distracted. I'm all hung up on this fifteen year old patient who's cataplectic, can't remember what she had for lunch and is rapidly losing control of her body. And I want her father here in case they've got any more secrets that I need to know about. Now, if you're not too distracted go take out a piece of her brain and stick it under a microscope. (He sees Wilson out in the hall.) Wilson! (Wilson stops and waits.) Foreman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you really think we need to jump straight to brain biopsy? House: No, lets keep playing pin the diagnosis on the supermodel until she's dad. (House joins Wilson in the hallway.) Wilson: Heard you klled your supermodel. House: Only for a minute. Wilson: Just for my own clarity. How many more patients do you have to kll before you admit this leg thing just might be a problem? House: Three. I need your help. Foreman: We're gonna do something called a burr hole biopsy. We drill a small opening in the back of your skull-- Dad: Doctor, maybe you and I should talk about this first. Foreman: No. Dad: I just think Alex doesn't need to be overwhelmed right now. Foreman: I think she should have a say in what happens to her body. (She looks from one to the other and twitches.) We're gonna remove a small piece of brain tissue. Alex: Do... do you have to shave my hair? Foreman: Hair grows back. Alex: Guess I won't remember anyways. Foreman: There's a good chance the amnesia's only temporary. (She twitches.) Alex: Okay Procedure Room Drill thingy whirs, Foreman watches them use a big needle to take a sample; um, yuck, but not as yuck as the maggots. Cuddy's Office Cuddy: Find a way to kick up the contribution. (She hangs up the phone when Cameron enters.) What did House do now? MRI Lab (MRI machine clicking, House is inside.) Wilson (as God): House this is God. House: Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday? Wilson (as God): Let me check; aw, I got a plague. What about Friday? House: (Smiling.) You'll have to check with Cameron. Wilson (as God): Oh, damn it. She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm gonna come up with a new answer this time. Cuddy: (Enters the MRI Lab.) House. House: Quick, God, smite the evil witch! (Wilson wisely says nothing.) Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father? House: God, why have you forsaken me? Cuddy: Don't worry. I have contacted child services for you. I let you get away with more than anyone in this hospital. Shielding a child abuser isn't covered. (Inside the MRI machine he mimics her.) Cooperate with this investigation or Ill fre you. Conference Room Chase: What do you think House is gonna do to you? Cameron: No idea. Foreman: Well, you did the right thing. If you hadn't gone to Cuddy I would have. Chase: If this guy'd known we'd have to report him he'd never have told House the truth. Cameron: She's a child, she needs to be protected. Chase: She dropped out of high school to make millions of dollars. Why does she need more protection than some crack whore shivering in the clinic waiting room? Forman: I think you're just afraid to piss House off. Chase: There's that too. Walk & Talk Wilson: MRI looks exactly the same as it did two years ago. Nerves don't seem to be regenerating. House: I figured as much. Wilson: Several researchers have proven that psychological pain can manifest as physical pain. House: You think I have a conversion disorder? You want me to see a shrink. Wilson: Brilliant idea, sending Stacey away, it's really done wonders for you. House: Listen none of this has anything to do with Stacey. Wilson: Right; giant coincidence that you've gone completely off the rails since she left; inducing migraines, worsening leg pain-- (House whacks him with his cane.) Ow! House: Aw. You miss Stacey too? Conference Room Chase: Brain biopsy shows no white matter disease. House: Cameron, you going to tell Cuddy or has she already got you wired for sound? Cameron: I had to do what I thought was right. House: So white is out, that just leaves grey. Foreman: Neuronal ceroid lipofuscinosis, Heller syndrome. Chase: Any one of the mitochondrial encephalopathies. Cameron: Am I in trouble? (Is this the same person who was accusing him of being distracted not three scenes ago.) House: You had to do what you thought was right. They call it grey area because you never really know what's there. We can't test for any of those things. Cameron: So I'm not in trouble. (Focus!) House: You can trture yourself all you want. What if everything we're seeing, is just smoke signals. Chase: Okay. Who's sending them? House: Tumor. If she has cancer anywhere in her body, she could also have paraneoplastic syndrome which could be causing antibodies to attck her brain. Antibodies are stupid that way. Foreman: Paraneoplastic syndrome is awfully rare in a fifteen year old. House: Fifteen year olds who look like that are awfully rare. It would explain the aggressive behavior, the cataplexy, the memory loss, even the twitching. It's perfect. Cameron: What if it's not? We could waste weeks searching for a tumor that we don't even know is there. House: Then let's make sure it is there. Foreman: There's no test for paraneoplastic syndrome. House: Sure there is, the squeeze the tube test. Alex's Room Dad: What did the biopsy tell you? Foreman: It wasn't definitive. House: But the twitching should stop right about now. (The twitching stops.) Alex: Oh my god. House: Could've just been a coincidence. Twitching does tend to stop and start. Let's be sure. (He squeezes the tube and she twitches.) The IVIG vacuums her blood neutralizes the stuff that's making her twitch. It's actually kind of cool. (He does it again.) I wonder if could make you dance. Foreman: Enough. Dad: This is unbelievable. You did it. You fixed her. House: No, all I did was prove that she has cancer. House: I need a favor. Cuddy: I'm not in a giving mood. House: It'll help us both. I need a sht of morphine in my spine. Cuddy: If your leg hurts, take your vicodin. House: It's not enough. Get a syringe. Cuddy: Morphine is extreme, even for you. House: Yeah, write that on the insert. Cuddy: Get one of your lackeys to do it. House: I don't want them knowing. Cuddy: That you're on the road to becoming a junkie? House: That I'm in this much pain. I don't want them questioning my judgment. I can't ask Wilson because he figures its all in my head. Cuddy: Well, I agree with him. I'm going home. House: (He throws his cane and pulls his pants down.) Well, what about this? Cuddy: What are you doing? House: Is this in my head? (Whoa, he has a wicked scar.) Cause I could swear I remember a thigh muscle being here. (He breathes heavily.) Cuddy: I'll get a syringe. Commercial Break Back in the MRI Lab and God is there only now he's just Wilson doing a series of tests looking for a tumor. House: It's gotta be cancer. Wilson: It's not cancer. You seem to be back to your old miserable self. House: So I just randomly predicted she'd respond to IVIG? Her twitches are gone, her memory's getting better. Wilson: What did you take? House: If the increased pain's psychological, no drugs gonna help. Wilson: If you thing it'll help the drugs will help. Power of the mind. House: You're right. The more I talk to you, the more the pain floods back. (He looks at a scan.) Knew the twins were real. Chase owes me. You check the pancreas? Wilson: Oh come on, you're just making up organs now aren't you. We checked the pancreas. Obviously you've taken something. House: You check the bones? There are a lot if bones, I think. Wilson: And none of them have cancer. House: Ovaries? Wilson: There's no mass, if anything they're undersized. No leukemia. No Hodgkin's. We checked everything. Unless they've invented a new organ, it's not cancer. Conference Room House: Differential diagnosis. Foreman: It's gotta be cancer. There's gotta be something we missed. House: You gotta learn to let go Foreman. Chase: Maybe the protein level was some sort of anomaly. It might still just be PTSD. Cameron: Just PTSD. Yeah, daddy's diddling her, nothing to worry about. Chase: Okay, let me rephrase. Maybe the protein level was some sort of anomaly. Oh my God it might be PTSD. Foreman: If it was PTSD the twitching wouldn't have magically disappeared when we started the IVIG. House: (Snaps fingers.) Wrong. What it wouldn't have done was medically disappear, nothing to stop it from magically disappearing. She was watching me start and stop the medicine. Cameron: You think she's faking? House: Not consciously, but if her subconscious is trying to get away from it all cancer's got to be a lovely vacation spot. Tell her you've got to give her a fresh IV. Don't tell her you're starting her on saline. See if the twitching comes back. Hallway Outside Alex's Room Foreman: How long has the social worker been in there? Cameron: Just went in. She was in with the dad before. Foreman: You switched the girl's IV? Chase: About a half an hour ago. Foreman: When's she gonna start twitching? Chase: If she's gonna start twitching, another few minutes. We've got to wait for the remaining IVIG to clear her system. (The social worker comes out and walks toward them.) Cameron: That was quick. What's gonna happen? Social Worker: What did you think was gonna happen? Cameron: The father had sex-- Social Worker: Do you have any medical evidence of that? Cameron: He admitted-- Social Worker: He denies that conversation ever took place. Cameron: She-- Social Worker: She denies it too. I'm sure you meant well. (Cameron watches the Social Worker leave and then goes into Alex's room.) Cameron: You have to tell her the truth. Alex: Nothing happened. Cameron: You don't have to be afraid of him. They can protect you. Alex: From what? Things are fine. Cameron: You think things are fine, they're not. Alex: He's my dad. Cameron: He's abusing you. Alex: He's not a bad person. I seduced him. Cameron: You're the child, He's the adult. He had the responsibility-- Alex: I got him drunk. I had to get him drunk. I wanted to have sex with him. Cameron: You're sexually attracted to your father? Alex: No, but by sleeping with him now he lets me do whatever I want. I also slept with my photographer, my financial manager, and my tutor; if I hadn't I'd be getting C's and posing for newspaper ads back in Detroit. Come on, we all do it. Cameron: No, we don't. After your father slept with you, you were traumatized. Alex: My dad was last. You've never taken a run at your boss, or professor, or somebody else you needed? Cameron: You're fifteen. You're smart. You don't have-- Alex: I am not that smart. I am that beautiful. (Twitching starts again.) What's wrong with me? Delivery Room Woman: (Screaming.) George get your butt over here. George: Help me. House: How did you get my pager number? Woman: Please. House: Problem is if I give you an epidural you won't be able to feel when to push. George: You're not funny. House: Pretty sure I am. You just can't appreciate it because you're in pain. Woman: George, if you don't get off your ass and help me. House: Oh shut up! You've got yourself the perfect man; a woman. He's got more estrogen coursing through his veins? (Light bulb.) House: Who did her vaginal exam? Cameron: I did House: Did she have hair? Cameron: What are you getting at? House: Right now I'm getting at whether or not she had hair down there. Cameron: Uh... not much. House: She's manipulative, yet completely docile. Everybody tells us that outburst on the catwalk was out of character. She's never had a period. Cameron: You're thinking this is hormonal? House: I'm thinking she's the ultimate woman. (He stops to speak to a nurse who is on the phone.) I... (He hangs up the phone by pressing the button.) I need to schedule an MRI. MRI Lab Alex: The twitching stopped. House: Because we changed your medicine back to the real stuff. Stop talking. Alex: You gave me fake medicine? House: That's what I said; in the vain hope that you wouldn't feel the need to also say it. Stop talking. Cameron: Wilson already did an ultrasound, said her ovaries were undersized. House: The ultrasound would be the way to go if you were looking for ovarian cancer. Cameron: What are we looking for? (The machine beeps.) House: That. Cameron: Oh my God. House: Looks like a tumor doesn't it? Cameron: But those are. House: Yep. Alex's Room House: We found a tumor. Dad: She has cancer. House: Technically, no. Dad: So its not cancer? House: No, it's cancer. But, he has cancer, on his left testicle. Alex: I don't have testicles. Dad: She's not a guy. House: His DNA says you're wrong. Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails. You've got male pseudohermaphroditism. See we all start out as girls and then we're differentiated based on our genes. The ovaries develop into testes and drop. But in about 1 in 150,000 pregnancies a fetus with an XY chromosome, a boy, develops into something else. Like you. Your testes never descended because you're immune to testosterone. You're pure estrogen, which is why you get heightened female characteristics; clear skin, great breasts. The ultimate woman is a man. Nature's cruel, huh? Dad: This is obviously a joke, this is impossible. House: No, a joke would be me calling you a hm. See the difference? I'll schedule him for surgery. Alex: (She gets out of bed.) No, you're wrong. I'm a girl. (She pulls off her gown.) Look at me! How could you say I'm not a girl? See! They're all looking at me. I'm beautiful! House: Anger, it's just the cancer talking. Put your clothes back on. I'm going to cut your balls off. Then you'll be fine. (She covers up, crying and looks at her dad who turns to look out the window.) Cuddy: How's the patient. House: Post op. I sent him slash her up for a psyche visit. Cuddy: Calling her him slash her isn't really helping. House: Good news is, I don't think dad's going to be sleeping with him slash her again. See, now it's gross. I need another sht. Cuddy: When did the pain start coming back? House: A few hours ago. Cuddy: About an hour after you solved the case. House: If I wanted to be psychoanalyzed I'd get Wilson to give me the sht. Cuddy: Same dosage? House: If you would be more comfortable, I might be able to deal with a few CC's less morphine. Cuddy: It wasn't morphine. House: What did you give me? I told you I wanted-- Cuddy: It was saline, I gave you a placebo. (She leaves him standing there looking contemplative.) (Piano playing Bach's French Suite #5 in G major Allemande; cut to House playing the piece from memory. His vicodin is sitting on top of the piano. He hits the wrong note, stops playing, opens the bottle and pours out the pills. He takes one as Desire starts to play again. Fade out on him sitting at the piano.)	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x13 - Skin Deep"}	foreverdreaming
(Scene opens on elderly people sitting around a table playing bridge) Woman: Two spades. Man: Three hearts. Woman: It's all yours. [Scene shifts to the next table when Henry and his daughter Amy are seated with two other elderly people] Henry: I'm forced. Man: And that's five. And that's six. Not bad. [to Amy] On a slam contract, you normally want to play your winners early. Amy: Sorry Dad. Henry: Nah, you're learning, you're doing fine. Woman: Carny Gilman's a good player. And a widow. Henry: I should take her out because she can play bridge? You're a true romantic. [Amy looks uncomfortable] Woman: You should ask somebody out. You think Cecile's not dating yet? [Gossip on the next table] Man: Cecile was dating before she left. Woman: Oh shut up, Mark. Henry: No, I have a partner, and she's doing great. Woman: Amy should be out having fun. [They deal out the cards for the next round] Amy: I'm having fun. [Amy looks at her cards; sounds start to become distorted as we hear from her perspective] Man: Yeah, look like you're having the time of your life. [Both the man and woman smile at her] Man: One, no trump. Woman: Ooh! Amy: I'm just a little nauseous I umm... I think I ate too much. Can we take a break? Henry: Of course. Excuse us? [Father and daughter leave the table; Henry worriedly takes Amy's arm as they walk] Henry: What did you eat? Amy: Nothing weird. Henry: Have you been drinking? Amy: No. Dad, you know I-- Henry: Because I don't mind if you-- [Henry suddenly goes into an absence seizure and the hand around Amy's arm keeps squeezing tighter and tighter] Amy: Dad? Dad? Dad?! What are you doing? [CGI of Henry's nerves in his brain] Amy: You're scaring me, it hurts! Let go! [The elderly people still sitting at the tables become alarmed and stand up] Amy: What are you doing?! Man: Henry! Henry! Let go of her! [Henry suddenly pops out of his absence seizure] Henry: --the occasional drink doesn't bother me but... what? Amy: [staring at him in confusion] You ok? Henry: What's the matter? (Scene opens on Foreman checking Henry's pupils in one of the patient's rooms) Foreman: You had what's called an absence seizure. Anything like that happen to you before? Henry: No, nothing. Amy: He's been really healthy. He jogs, he eats right, he-- Henry: Well I did have a headache last Sunday, and for the past 2 years I've been getting acid reflux a lot and I thought that err... antacids were all I needed. Should I have come in sooner? Foreman: For acid reflux and a headache? [shakes his head] Henry: [looks undecided then speaks to Amy] You know, I hear the coffee downstairs is really good. Could you get me a cup, honey? [as Amy walks out the door] Would you mind closing the blinds? [Foreman closes the blinds] (Scene opens with House tossing a ball while looking at MRI scans in his office) Foreman: His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left. House: Cool. Chase: It's probably testicular cancer. House: No. That's impossible. Chase: The symptoms all indicate-- House: The shoes aren't right. [Chase and Cameron are confused of course] Here's how testicular cancer would manifest itself. First the patient would get the exact symptoms that he's got, then Foreman would examine him, then he'd suspect testicular cancer on the count of the symptoms being so perfect, then he'd stick a needle in it, then he'd call a surgeon. And while that guy operates, the rest of us would be out bowling. And since we're not wearing bowling shoes, the disease obviously did not progress in that fashion. Foreman: LP showed some white cells, but his MRI is clean. House: Sure, if you call a micro-abscess in his brain "clean". [Foreman peers closer to take a look at the MRI but House slaps his hand over the scan Foreman's trying to look at] House: What you don't trust me? Foreman: Are you talking about the left temporal lobe? House: Neat! You can see through my hand! Foreman: It's just a shadow. House: Or it's an infection. When guys have brain-crotch problems, it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little. Foreman: Blood and urine were negative for syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia. House: So treat him for all 3. Stat. Cameron: Umm... negative means he doesn't have it. House: No, negative means he probably doesn't have it, which means he probably has cancer. Cameron: I thought we were wearing the wrong shoes for cancer. House: We're wearing the wrong shoes for testicular cancer. They're perfect for lymphoma. [he looks down at their shoes] Except Chase's, they're just goofy. [Everybody now looks down at Chase's shoes after House's remark. Unfortunately, we don't get to see Chase's goofy shoes] House: Lymphoma could cause infiltrates in his reproductive organs and his brain. If it does advance he's dad no matter what we do. [he starts to walk out the door] So give him the STD meds, and hope the tests were wrong. (Scene cuts to Wilson buying a box of chocolates from the little candy/newspaper stall in the hospital lobby. House walks in) House: Spinook. [takes up the box of chocs] Who's the lucky woman? Wilson: My wife. House: No, I don't want to know who gets the chocolates; I want to know who you're having the affair with. Wilson: [to the guy behind the counter] Fell on his head as a child, tragic. House: Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff the trrorists win. Wilson: Some people bottle up their feelings, have them come out as physical pain. Healthy human beings express feelings such as affection by giving gifts. [they walk into the clinic] House: Gifts express guilt. The more expensive the expression, the deeper the guilt. That's a 12 dollar box so that means you haven't slept with her yet, or she wasn't that good. Wilson: It's not all about sex, House. House: Really? When did that change? [Wilson gives House a glare] (Scene cuts to male patient waiting inside the clinic room for House) Patient: I wanna get depo provera. House: [is surprised, but hides it as he closes the door] Actually, at your age, as long as you're careful, the risk of you getting pregnant is pretty limited. Patient: Yeah but it would calm me down, right? If I get a high enough dose. House: You mean calm as in... peaceful lake on a cool summer evening? Or in the lesser used meaning of nothing can ever bother you again because life has absolutely no meaning? High dose of depo provera will chemically castrate you. Patient: Yeah. [long silence] House: [draws a deep breath] Ok... I'm going to get up to leave now. I'm going to walk to that door, turn the handle, and then you're suddenly going to decide that you have to tell me the truth. I'm going to have to turn around and come all the way back. You see the thing is, my leg hurts. Can we cut the walking out of the equation? Patient: I love cows. House: [is puzzled. Pops a vicodin] Any particular variety? Corrientes? Holstein? Patient: Which are the black and white ones? House: Oh god. Patient: I pass a farm on my way to school. And they're so beautiful. They're so majestic I dream about them. Leather shoes, hamburgers. How can anybody do that to a cow? House: Make love, not belts. Beautiful. Patient: I haven't actually-- House: Oh relax; it's something we doctors deal with all the time. And I'm going to write you the name of a drug, you don't need a prescription and looks just like depo provera. Patient: But does it do the same thing? House: Oh god no. That stuff has all sorts of nasty side effects. It's real medicine. Now this is all you need, your frat buddies will be completely fooled. You tell them how appalling the doctor was, lots of laughs. (Cut to Foreman talking to Henry) Foreman: We think you may have a sexually transmitted disease. Henry: No, it's not possible. Foreman: Sir, maybe we should speak in private? [we see Amy behind Foreman in a wider sht] Amy: Have you tested him for this? Foreman: The tests were negative. Henry: Well, then it's not that. So what else could it be? Foreman: Nothing good. If you've been having sex, you HAVE to tell me. Henry: I have not had sex since my divorce. (Cut to Foreman walking with House in the corridors) House: I didn't ask him to take the medicine; I asked you do give him the medicine. Foreman: He hasn't had sex in over a year. House: He's lying. Foreman: He knows what's at stake. We should start treating him for lymphoma right away. Maybe if we ht him hard and fast-- House: [spots Wilson talking to a nurse] Wilson! How long can you go without sex? Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people? House: No seriously, a week? A month? Wilson: I'm not having an affair. House: I didn't say you were. Not in this conversation. [Wilson looks fed up and walks away] I'm talking about a patient! Foreman: People have impulse control, we don't NEED sex. House: Well not like air, but as a biological imperative, sure we do. There's two things we get stupid for - money and sex, and since money rarely enters the bloodstream. Was his daughter in the room when you asked if he had sex? Foreman: I told him we could talk privately, he didn't care if she was there. House: [checks his watch] It's almost noon. The little girl would go to lunch. Soon as she's out the door, you're going to get paged. Then you page me. [As House walks away Foreman's pager starts beeping as if on cue. House looks smug] House: Lunch is early huh? (Scene cuts to House walking into Henry's room) House: Hi, I'm doctor House. I hear you'd rather die than admit you had sex. Henry: I'm sorry I... couldn't tell my daughter. House: Right, coz she's what? 22? Henry: I slept with her mom. House: She probably knows that's happened already. Roll over. Henry: My wife had an affair, I forgave her. She had another affair and I forgave her again and... Amy thinks I was an idiot. House: [he takes out some needles and preps them] So smart. You must be very proud. Roll over. Henry: I assume that you've been in love. House: Is that the one that makes you pants feel funny? I'm starting you on a cocktail of STD meds. Henry: Amy is just getting over it. She barely spoke to her mom for months and if she thought that it was happening again and that's why I got sick... [he grimaces in pain as House jabs in the needle] We... we just happened to be at the same Italian cheese-tasting thing. House: Cheese is the devil's plaything. Henry: It was just the one night. House: Well you're obviously completely over her. Henry: Amy thinks love leads you to make stupid choices. House: You're certainly setting a good example for her. Henry: She just doesn't get it. If you're not prepared to look stupid then nothing great is ever going to happen, right? On the other hand, I guess your testicles aren't gonna explode either. [House is deep in thought over what Henry just said] [Amy walks in] Amy: Dad? Is everything ok? Henry: [pulls the blankets over himself] I have a sexually transmitted disease. Amy: How's that possible? [Henry nervously looks over at House] House: He met a woman in church. [Amy looks pleased, Henry nods along] Amy: Does she play bridge? Henry: [laughs] Does she...? [his laugh turns into choking. He coughs out frothy bloody sputum as alarms start beeping over the monitors] House: Crash cart! [he pulls the bed out, a nurse rushes in and pushes Amy aside] Henry: Is this another seizure? House: Shut up. Nurses: Coming in! [they pull in a cart with all the necessary equipment] Nurse: Here you go [nurse hands House a bag to ventilate Henry] House: 40 milligrams (some drug, I can't make out what he's saying above the beeping of the monitors) Knock him out. [House intubates Henry, CGI of the frothy liquid in Henry's lungs before they attach the bag to help bring oxygen into Henry's lungs. I have to add that for the first time in a long time, House is doing the intubation instead of the Ducklings and having House really playing doctor is incredibly hot ;) ] Amy: How would an STD do this? House: It wouldn't. (Scene cuts to Ducklings and House discussing in the conference room) Chase: It was flash pulmonary edema. We took a litre of fluid off but the problem wasn't with his lungs. It's his heart. There are vegetations obstructing his mitral valve. Foreman: It's not an STD. Lymphoma wouldn't erupt that suddenly. House: So what is it? A disease that attcks his brain, heart and testicles. I think Byron wrote about that. Cameron: Could be psittacosis. Chase: Chlamydia cultures would have come back positive. Foreman: Strep viridans can ht the heart. Cameron: Wouldn't mess with the reproductive system. [House walks over and Cameron hands him the whiteboard marker] Maybe things aren't so nicely connected. He's 65. We could be looking at multiple systems just starting to break down independently. House: Way to a man's heart is through his stomach. [he circles "Acid Reflux" on the whiteboard] Chase: He's had acid reflux for years. It can't be relevant. House: Seems there are other ways to kll people besides having sex with them. [He tosses the marker to Chase; Foreman looks suspicious as he tries to work out what House is thinking] (Scene cuts to House sweeping aside the curtains to talk to Henry and Amy) House: You don't need this so much. [he extubates Henry] Problem is not your lungs, it's your heart. That Italian cheese thing at the church - what sort of cheese? Henry: Why do you need to know? House: I'm having a fondue party. Was it sheep cheese? Henry: Might have been. Why? House: Was it soft? Henry: Yeah. House: Taste like crap? Henry: Uhh... yeah. Bitter. House: [takes a container out of his pocket and pops a small cube of cheese into Henry's mouth] Taste like this? Henry: [chews in surprise] Yeah. But... how did you? House: That was regular low fat American. I added some bacteria for flavour. Amy: You fed him bacteria? House: It's pretty much on everything. Especially the unpasteurised sheep cheese they make in the Alps. That stuff will give you brucellosis. Key to a long life - exotic women, and boring cheese. I'm going to start you on rifampin and doxycycline. Henry: Doesn't make any sense. I mean nobody else at the "church" got sick. House: 99.9% of "Christians" have so much acid in their stomach they become churning cauldrons of death for all those nasty brucellosis bugs. But you were taking antacids for your acid reflux, so that turns your digestive tract into a pleasant scenic river for all those bacterial tourists. [CGI of acid in stomach klling bacteria, then of Henry's stomach where the bacteria just float through] (Scene cuts to House and Wilson playing foosball!) [House has taken off his coat, and so has Wilson] Wilson: You sure you're right? House: Absolutely. Your socks don't match, which means you got out dressed in the dark, which means you don't want to wake your wife which means you don't want to talk to her, which means-- Wilson: I was referring to your patient. House: Oh that. No. Come on, I'm basing it on cheese! Wilson: How long before you get the tests back? House: We'll know before that. If I'm wrong, he'll just keep getting worse and slowly die. And if I'm right, either we caught it in time he gets better, or we didn't and he goes into cardiac arrest at any moment. [House SCORES at foosball!] (Scene cuts to Henry going into cardiac arrest, monitors are beeping and Chase is in attendance) Chase: Paddles! Charging. 250. Clear! Charging, 300. Clear! Charging, 360. Clear! Epinephrine. [We start to hear no sound except that of the paddles charging and clearing. Chase continues in his efforts to revive Henry, Amy is crying in shock in a corner] (Scene cuts back to House and Wilson playing foosball) House: Are you going to tell her? Wilson: That you suspect an affair? Sure. She already hates you, why not? House: Because you think that getting it off your chest will let you sleep better. It won't. You'll end up sleeping on my lumpy couch. Wilson: There's nothing to tell. House: Why are you playing foosball here at 8 o' clock at night? [House's pager starts beeping] Wilson: You always want to simplify everything. Boil it down to nice, easy equations, nice easy answers. House: [starts walking off] Go home and have sex with your wife. (Scene cuts to House and Ducklings walking down the corridor) Chase: His heart is back and sinus rhythm. Has a lot of damage though. Cameron: It was brucellosis but we got to it too late. Vegetation broke off into his main coronary artery and caused an infarction. Foreman: His heart muscle's half-dad. He'll be lucky to last a week. [They reach the conference room and House walk in] House: Other than that, how's he doing? [the Ducklings look a little disbelieving] Seriously. His brain, testicle, lungs, tonsils. How's all that other stuff doing? Cameron: Uhh his brain is clear now, and so is the genital and urinary tract and his kidney function is good. House: So... all he needs is a heart, and he's out of here. (Scene cuts to House talking to the transplant committee) House: He's a prime candidate for transplant. Doesn't smoke. Drinks moderately. His tox screen is negative for illegal drugs, and legal ones. Surveillance blood culture show absolutely no sign of any lingering brucella bacteria. Cuddy: He's 66-yrs-old. House: Told me he was 65. Liar. I'm out of here. Simpson: [yes, this is the same one from Mob Rules and Babies and Bathwater] There is an inverse correlation between patient age and success rates. House: He's in excellent health. This was his first hospitalisation since breaking his leg at 23. Or 22, I'm not sure anymore. Simpson: If this patient were to survive the operation, he'd get another what? 5, 10, maybe 20 years if he's very lucky? House: So you're saying that old people aren't as worth saving as young people? Cuddy: He's saying that hearts are a scarce resource. We obviously have to choose criteria-- House: No I get it; women live longer so they should get preference, right? The African-Americans, they die a lot younger so to hell with them. Simpson: What you think you're going to win me over by calling me a rcist? House: If the test is who gets to use it the longest, you can either be a rcist or a hypocrite. Simpson: Your patient had a life. A family. We've got 18-yr-old kids who only-- House: How old are you, doctor? When do we get to toss you on an ice flow? Cuddy: And thank you doctor House. Unless anybody else has any further questions, we will now go into private session. House: Oh I'm on pins and needles. I wonder how you'll decide. (Scene cuts to Foreman walking in on Amy and Henry) Amy: The Mets just won their third game in a row. bat the Lakers. [reading from a newspaper] Foreman: I'm sorry. They voted no. Henry: So... then... will I die? Foreman: Might have a week. [Amy starts to cry] (Scene cuts to House in his office, deep in thought and playing with his cane) [Cameron walks in] Cameron: I wrote a letter to the Board of Directors appealing the Transplant Committee's decision. I'm alleging bias against you clouded their medical judgement. I need you to sign. House: They made the right call. Cameron: You don't believe that. You told the committee-- House: I was advocating for my patient. [he signs the letter anyway] Cameron: Then why are you-- House: Advocating for my patient. I gotta go clinic duty. I need you to get me the files on everybody who dies here today. Cameron: You really think this thing will change their decision? House: [as he walks out] Nope! (Scene cuts to House walking to door of the exam room in the clinic. It's the same clinic patient as before of course) House: Moooo! Patient: I think I broke my ankle. I was kicked by a hoof. [he peels off his sock] I'm so in love. She was so beautiful. House: Which one? Patient: One of the black and white ones, I'm not sure what type-- House: Not which type, which one? I want a name. Patient: Why would it have a name? House: Not "it", she. Or he. I wanna know her dreams, her hopes. Patient: It's a cow. House: Hey, I'm not the one who said he was in love. People who actually have this condition rationalise it, they dismiss it, they don't elevate it to the level of poetry. Plus there's a wooden splinter in there. So either you ht yourself with a 2 by 4 or Elsie has a pick leg. I'm off duty at 6, give yourself another whack and come back and scam somebody else. Patient: I'm sick. And you're a doctor, you have a duty to help me. House: Technically I don't have to treat anybody before running a series of painful and often humiliating tests. [he takes out a needle and shows it off to intimidate the patient] Patient: Whatever you need. (Scene cuts to Cameron talking to House as they walk out of the clinic, she's struggling with a bundle of files) Cameron: 90-yr-old woman died of pneumonia. House: Unless she has a bionic heart. What's next? Cameron: Umm... baby, died in the ICU. House: Babies are useless, they got hearts the size of ping-pong balls. Next. Cameron: Err... 40-yr-old male. House: Yes? Cameron: Heart attck. [They take the lift up to Diagnostics floor] House: If you really cared about me, you'd find me a better corpse. Cameron: No other deaths. There's one woman who was in a car accident. House: Bad one I hope. Cameron: Don't think the procurement people have been notified. House: Give me her file. Cameron: It's in the ER; they're still looking on her. House: Age? Cameron: Not 40. House: Young, damn. Cameron: Young is good. House: Smoker? Cameron: Don't know. House: Find out. [pops a vicodin] Cameron: She's still alive. Even if we get on the list, we can't go near her. House: Overweight? Cameron: She's on the hefty side. House: Excellent. Our odds just went up. Cameron: What odds? What is this? House: 60% of potential donor hearts get tossed in the trash because there's something wrong with them. With fat people, it's closer to 80. Cameron: But if her heart's no good then-- House: Big fat sloppy heart beats no heart all [he winks at her before getting into the elevator and the door closes] (Scene cuts to the ER, they're trying to revive the woman who was in the car accident, monitors are beeping. Her husband waits anxiously outside the door) [House walks up to the husband, he's wearing a white doctor's coat! There've been speculations that it looks like Wilson's. This coat even has a pocket protector though it has fewer pens than there are normally in Wilson's coat] House: Are you Mr Neuberger? Donald: Yes. House: I'm Doctor House. Need to ask you a few questions about your wife. Donald: Is she going to be ok? House: I'm afraid I don't know that. Could you tell me about her accident? Donald: They think she fell asleep, went off the road, that's all they told me. House: Any problems with her health until now? Donald: Why? House: Police say it's important. Donald: Erm... she had a fever today but otherwise she was-- House: How high? Donald: 101. She hasn't missed a day of teaching in... years. And I should have made her stay home. House: Any other symptoms? Donald: A stomachache. Who cares? She was in a car crash! [Door to the ER suddenly opens] Woman: Mr Neuberger. Donald: Yeah? Woman: My name's Ellen Stanmer, I'm the Organ Procurement Coordinator for Southern New Jersey. I just want to assure you that we'll treat her organs with care and dignity. Donald: Her organs?! [he looks back in disbelief at House, then back to Ellen] Laura died? [he starts to break down and cry] Ellen: I... I'm sorry, I thought umm... she was just pronounced dad [looks at House], I thought he was telling you. House: I didn't know. Shouldn't have made assumptions. Donald: What did you want from me? House: I'm sorry for your loss, but I need your wife's heart. (Scene cuts to House walking into his office) Foreman: The Organ Procurement Coordinator just left the hospital. House: Means we got lucky, either that or she's getting lunch. [he chases Cameron away from the computer] dad woman's last name have a 'u' or a 'w'? Cameron: You're hacking into a confidential patient file? House: Is that a problem for you? Cameron: It's a 'u'. N - E - U. House: [types it into the computer then starts reading the file] Three minutes ago... her organs were officially declared not viable. Time to go dumpster diving. [Foreman checks the file after House leaves and runs after him] Foreman: Hey, she's got Hepatitis C, her ALTs are three times normal. With Henry's immune system down, an infected heart will kll him. House: Fortunately, she didn't have Hep C. Foreman: She tested positive. House: Her history says otherwise. Her husband told me she was running a fever with stomach pains, not symptomatic of Hep C. (Scene cuts to Donald taking a last look at wife Laura's face before nodding at the nurse to pull the plug on her) [House rushes in and reverses it so that Laura is back on support] Donald: Hey what are you doing? What are you doing? [House ignores him] What are you doing?! House: Again, sorry. But we need to talk. (Cut to Cuddy's office) Cuddy: Mr Neuberger has every right to take his wife off the ventilator. House: His wife signed an organ donor card. Cuddy: Which became invalid when her organs were turned down. House: I can use them! I just need some time! Committee says they won't take her heart. Another committee says a guy can't have a heart. It's a marriage made in heaven. I can find a surgical team that can do this. Classify it as experimental, it's not going to screw with any numbers. This is what she wanted; she wanted her organs to help another-- Donald: She never wanted to be kept alive on a ventilator. House: She's not, she's dad! She's not in pain, she's not suffering. It's just her... meat we're dealing with here. Donald: [getting angry] This is my wife. House: Not anymore. Donald: She deserves some respect. Some dignity. House: I respect the living. Donald: Right, that is why you made me think that you were her doctor. Made me believe that maybe there was some hope. House: I never said that I was her doctor. Donald: Fine you didn't lie, but you sure as hell didn't give me any respect! I'm taking her off the machines. Now! [he exits Cuddy's office] Cuddy: Nicely played. House: It's not over. [They follow Donald out of the office; Amy is sitting alone outside the office when she spots Donald. She immediately goes up to him, stars in her eyes] Amy: Excuse me, are you Mr Neuberger? Donald: Yeah, why? Amy: I'm Amy Arrington. I wanted to thank you. [Donald takes a moment to realise who Amy is and what she's thanking him for. He becomes even more upset] House: This girl's father will die by next weekend unless he gets your wife's heart. Cuddy: House, don't you think that's a little manipulative? House: No, it's hugely manipulative. Donald: You're an ass. House: Hey listen, you take your wife off life support, and I'll have forgotten about this in two weeks. Gale here on the other hand-- Amy: Amy. House: Whatever. You're mad at me, fine I get that, take it out on me, not on her. [Donald is silent for a moment before he steps up to House and knees him EXTREMELY hard in the groin. Ouch. He falls to the floor.] Donald: Fine. Your dad can err... have her heart. [He walks out] (Scene cuts to House walking slowly into the office. He's still very sensitive in the groin area obviously. His voice is also raspy and a little higher than normal. Ducklings look a little confused but don't pursue it) House: Fever, stomach pain, raised liver enzymes. Foreman: She's sick. House: Worse than that, she's dad. Foreman: My point is, even if it's not Hep C, it's something. They turned it down as a donor because if we put that heart into someone, they won't survive. Whatever made her sick will kll him. House: Yeah. So what is it? Enzymes indicate-- Chase: You want us to do a differential diagnosis on a dad person? House: We're going to cure her. Cameron: We're going to cure death? House: MWAHAHAHAHA. Doubt it. Just want to get the infection out of her heart before we get the heart out of her. The fever indicates an infection. Foreman: She probably has Hep C and a bad case of the flu. House: Let's assume, just for fun, that the answer is something that might be helpful. Chase: Fever and belly pain. Could be a gall bladder infection. House: Like that. Do an MRI, stat. (Scene cuts to Chase, Foreman and Donald during the MRI) Foreman: You really don't need to be here. Donald: I assume House is a great doctor. Chase: Why would you assume that? Donald: Because when you're that big a jerk, you're either great or unemployed. (Scene cuts to Ducklings walking with House down a corridor) Chase: No sign of gall bladder infection, but there was a cyst. Foreman: Perfectly round. Now Hep C would explain-- House: Question was never is it Hep C? Question was given that it's not Hep C, what is it? Chase: Adenoma? Cameron: [holding the MRI scans] Not solid enough. Foreman: Cavernous hemangioma? Cameron: Not vascular enough. [they enter the clinic] House: What if she was sloppy about washing her hands after pooping? Foreman: [takes the scan from Cameron] Err... ameba infection? House: The amebias started in her liver and spread to her blood, that would explain all her symptoms. Except for the crushed skull but I'm assuming that's from the car crash. Chase: I'll start her on paromycin and chloroquine. House: [taking a patient file] 10 grams each. Chase: That's... 20 times the normal dose. House: Right. So we'll destroy her retinas and damage her hearing. Whoever wants those parts is having a very bad day. Couple of hours on the meds and she'll be feeling great. (Scene cuts to House in front of the exam room talking to that clinic patient again) House: Got your labs. Do you eat guinea pigs? Patient: No. House: How about hamsters? Or mice? Humans? Patient: What are you talking about? Is something wrong with me? House: Absolutely nothing. Blood work is perfect. You got lots of vitamins, minerals, all kinds of proteins. Including a little something I like to call 'bovine serum albumin' which you get from eating the animals mentioned. Or cow. You don't really worship cows. So I have to wonder, what could be more humiliating than someone calling your girlfriend a cow and not being metaphorical. [Patient rushes to his jacket and takes out a photo from his wallet. It's a pretty sexy blond lady in a blue bikini] House: [takes the photo] Nice. Patient: It's my mom. House: Well either that's a very old photograph or it's your step mom. Patient: She goes around the house in a bikini. Or less. I... I can't stop thinking about her. My dad's in Europe. I... I'll be watching TV, she'll give me a massage, I can't walk for an hour. House: Still. Cows. Patient: She's my mother! House: Step. Patient: Please? I just need the medicine for 3 months until I graduate and I move out of the house. Please. House: [takes out paper to write the prescription] You're not going to have any fun at graduation. [Patient sighs in relief] (Scene cuts to House tossing the file on to the counter at the clinic. He pats Wilson's shoulder as Wilson sits there working) House: Keep up the good work. [he walks around to the other side of the counter] Your shirt is ironed. That means you haven't told your wife anything. Wilson: [stands up suddenly] Let's say you're right. House: [halts on his way out of the clinic] You're saying I'm right? Wilson: No. Let us say. [House starts walking back to Wilson] Does it occur to you that maybe there's some deeper guidance than keep your mouth shut? That maybe a friend might value concern over glibness? That maybe... [he rubs his upper lip nervously] maybe I'm going through something that I need to have an actual conversation about? House: [is silent. His pager goes off] Does it occur to you that if you need that kind of a friend, that you may have made some deeper errors. (Scene cuts to House walking into Laura's room) Chase: Her heartbeat's irregular. Looks like global hypokinesis. House: Stop the meds. Donald: Are you giving up? House: Either we're wrong, and our heart is unusable, or we're right, but the treatment we have to give her will make her heart unusable. I'm sorry. You can pull the plug now. Find me another body. That fat guy on the other end of the service didn't look so hot. Donald: No! She's not ready. House: You were ready this morning. Donald: She's not done. She's gotta save that guy. (Scene cuts to Ducklings, Donald and House all surrounding Laura as they discuss the next diagnosis) House: Alternate theories? Chase: Amebiasis was our best hope. The fact that her heart rate went back to normal when we stopped the meds pretty much-- House: What's our second best hope? Chase: House, we're down to one, there's no obstruction. Foreman: Maybe we should just biopsy it. House: She's a fridge with the power out. We start poking around inside, the vegetable goes bad. No offence. Foreman: I don't see that we have a lot of choice. The only way we're going to find that infection-- Cameron: What if it's not an infection? Toxins can cause similar symptoms, especially if whatever it is did liver damage. Donald: Her err... toxin screen was clean. House: Those things never cover for any of the really cool toxins. [to Foreman] Run the screen again for... whatever you can think of. [to Chase] You keep the other patient alive, [to Cameron] you check out her school, and I seem to need to hire another doctor to go search her home. [to Donald] Come on. (Scene cuts to House and Donald investigating the Neuberger's home) Donald: If she was taking any medications, I'd know about it. House: [inspects some stuff inside a cupboard] Does your wife dye her hair? Donald: No. Her mom never went grey, she didn't either. House: [takes out a bottle of hair dye and closes the cupboard] Guess this must be yours then. Can you think of anything else she might have lied to you about? Any drugs she "gave up" when she married you? (Scene cuts to Chase inspecting Henry's lungs) Chase: How are you feeling sir? [From lucid, Henry suddenly becomes unconscious] Mr Arrington? Mr Arrington? [monitors start beeping] Amy: What's going on? Chase: His heart's not pumping enough blood to his brain, we're going to have to give him some help. [to a nurse that's come in] Get the balloon ready. (Scene cuts back to House and Donald inspecting the home) House: Do you use this drawer? Donald: No, that's for her vitamins. House: [checks the bottles] And sleeping pills. Donald: She never took sleeping pills. House: Ok. [shows another bottle] You on a diet? Donald: No. [sighs] I guess you never really know someone do you? House: Quite the insight. She lied to you about her hair colour, and didn't want you to know she thought she was fat. Unless you never lied to her about anything that huge, I think you can probably let those slide. (Scene cuts back to Foreman and House discussing the new find) Foreman: Diet pills could have messed her up. Raised her liver enzymes and caused the belly ache. House: But not the fever. Foreman: Maybe something else set off the fever. House: Like what? [Cameron walks in] Cameron: Before I show you these, they were in a locked drawer in her desk, the vice principal said that Laura must have confiscated them, they've had some problems-- House: [takes the photos from her and starts going through them] Neither interesting nor helpful. [until he finds photos of naked boys doing interesting things] This at least is interesting. Foreman: [he passes one to Foreman] No it's not. House: Sex with teenagers isn't interesting? Where did you grow up? Foreman: It isn't helpful. Teenage boys aren't toxins. House: [deep in thought] What if the cyst isn't a cyst? Cameron: Then we have nothing to go on. House: I said it's not a cyst, I didn't say it was nothing. What if it's a scar? Foreman: Fitzhugh-Curtis syndrome? Pushing gonorrhea again? House: You have anything better? Test her. Then start her on ceftriaxone. (Cut to scene of Cameron taking out some more of Laura's blood for testing, Donald watches) Donald: What are you testing for now? Cameron: Just some more infections. (Scene cuts to House in his office at night, standing and twirling his cane while gazing out the window) Cameron: [walks in from next door] She's positive for gonorrhea! House: I think that's the first time those words have been uttered in joy. Cameron: Meds are started. Her heart should be clear enough to use in about 4 or 5 hours. I'll go tell the families. Chase: [walks in wearing scrubs and looking weary] He's in a coma. House: Start him on dobutamine. Chase: Already did. We either do the surgery now or we find him a new brain too. Cameron: House, she's still got a significant amount of gonorrhea in her system. House: [thinking for a moment] Hopefully tomorrow, it'll be in his system. [he picks up the phone and makes the call] I need two ORs and the transplant team. (We watch a scene where the transplant team take both Laura and Henry's beds and quickly wheel them out. Amy and Donald are both confused but everyone's in too much of a rush to notice. They follow the beds) [House walks out, followed by Cameron to watch the transplant team rush off with the patients] Donald: I assume this means that you found out what was wrong with Laura? [House stalls for time by pushing Donald to the side to allow another bed to be wheeled through, Cameron glances nervously at House] House: She... had amebiasis. We just found a different way to get rid of it. Donald: Thank you. [he walks off after the transplant team] Cameron: That was kind of you. House: I didn't want him going postal on us. Soon as his wife's heart's in our hands, you can tell him about the gonorrhea. [Cameron gives him a look] He's gotta be tested. Preferably before he gets any sympathy sex. (Scenes of the transplant team taking out Laura's heart and putting it into Henry.) Doctor: Paddles. 50 joules. Charging. [There's a moment of anxiety as the paddles don't restart the heart. The doctor tries again] Charging. [the heart starts beating] Let's take him off bypass. [Cameron and Donald, watching from the observation deck above look relieved, they stop watching the operation, Donald sits down] Cameron: Mr Neuberger, there's something I need to tell you. Donald: For the last err... year, or so... Laura was kind of distant with me. I don't know why. [Cameron tries to speak but is interrupted again] I thought... maybe she was having an affair, but not Laura. [Cameron looks sad] And I'm not excusing myself, but I was travelling during Christmas, I had a... I had a one-night-stand. I got gonorrhea. Cameron: [looks shocked] Are you sure? Donald: Yup. I should have said something to you. But I didn't want to believe that I gave it to her. That's what made her sick and... that... was why she got into the accident. [he starts to cry] (Scene cuts to Henry waking up after the surgery, he sees an older woman, his ex-wife Cecile, and Amy) Henry: Cecile? Am I dad? Chase: Hopefully not for a long time. Henry: Why are you here? Cecile: Amy called me. Amy: If you do mom again, you gotta wear a condom. Chase: You're going to have gonorrhea in your system for a while. [Henry looks confused but smiles at his family] (Scene cuts to House's apartment at night, there's music playing, House is making a sandwich for himself in the kitchen when there's knocking at the door) [House is wearing a pullover sweat shirt. He picks up his cane and limps over to the door. He opens it and Wilson is standing there. Wilson is wearing a shirt, a scarf and an overcoat. He also has a packed suitcase next to him] Wilson: Could I stay with you for a few days? House: You idiot. You told her. Wilson: She told me. [House is stunned into silence] Things have been crappy at home lately, I figured I wasn't spending enough time with her. I figured... [angry sigh] Turns out you're right, it's always about sex. She's been having an affair. [They stare at each other for a few seconds before House moves back and lets Wilson in] House: Want a beer? [Wilson smiles as he takes his briefcase and walks in and House shuts the door close behind him]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x14 - Sex Kills"}	foreverdreaming
[Opens on a woman stepping out of the shower. She sneezes twice and steps on the scale.] Scale: Your weight is 113.9 pounds. [She moves to the mirror and towels it off, when a man wearing a stocking over his head grabs her from behind.] Man: You gonna make me hurt you? Woman: No. Man: I didn't think so. [She screams as he drags her back to the bedroom. He tries to pin her down on the bed, but she forces him off and runs away. He remains, choking.] Woman: Are you all right? Did I hurt you? Bob! [She runs to him, and takes the stocking off his head.] Bob, what's wrong? What happened, talk to me! Oh my God, okay, honey, hang on! Hang on! [She dials on the phone.] Phone: 911, what is your emergency? Woman: Yes, we need an ambulance at 10600 Xavier, here in 4B, my husband can't breathe! Oh my God, he's turning blue, you have to send someone now, please! Hurry! [Cut to House, lying in bed. The sound of the shower running is heard. Cut to a bit later, with House still lying in bed, and a sound like... toenail clippers? Next cut, with House... you guessed it, and this time the sound is the hair dryer. Cut to House in the hallway, looking at Wilson, who is drying his hair.] House: You blow dry your hair? Wilson: Oh, sorry, did I wake you up? House: You blow dry your hair?! Wilson: Excuse me for actually caring what I look like. House: I think the word you're looking for is obsessing. You've been at it for almost an hour. Wilson: If you wanted in, all you had to do is say so. House: I don't want in, I want sleep! Wilson: It's about time you got up anyway, it's almost 9:00. House: This isn't gonna work. Wilson: What? House: You. Staying here. [Taking Vicodin.] Wilson: You're kicking me out? After one night? House: You think we should try counseling first? Why d'you want to sleep on a couch, anyway? You've got money. At least until the divorce is finalized. Wilson: I'll be out of your hair tomorrow. [as he leaves] What's left of it. [House goes to the mirror and fools with his hair.] [Cut to Cameron examing the man in the opening, who will now be known as Bob. Bob's wife, Maria, is also there.] Bob: It was three days ago. My throat got really dry, and my tongue felt like it was blwing up like a balloon. Cameron: I assume somebody checked for food allergies? Bob: The first two doctors both did. Maria: The next one said it was a panic attck; the one after that wanted to take his tonsils out. Bob: The last one had no idea, just referred us to Dr. House. Cameron: It says the attck was proceeded by some sort of strenuous physical activity. Bob: Um, yeah. Cameron: What were you doing? [Bob looks uncomfortable, and Maria smirks.] [Cut to Diagnostics.] House: Awesome, a sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search. [He appears to be trying to poke a hole off of a pop-top can with a sharp object. Smart.] Cameron: He's not a sex fiend; he's a happily married man. House: No such thing. [He gets a whole, and quickly drinks the can from the hole in the bottom. Now, that's a way to consume an energy drink!] Cameron: What are you doing? House: Testing a new caffeine delivery system. Chase: He didn't get his beauty sleep. Wilson's moved in and apparently has unusually loud toenails. Foreman: If they're into rpe fantasies, S&M is on the menu as well. Neck trauma could cause vocal chord paroxysms, which could cause choking. Cameron: I didn't see any sign of trauma, and they were remarkably open. I asked about STDs and they admitted participating in a threesome a few months ago. House: A hundred bucks says they're as miserable as the next couple. Chase: Another guy or girl? Cameron: Girl. His wife's college roommate. Chase: If he's not happily married, I don't know who could be. House: You're looking for something. If you're happy, you've got nothing to look for. Cameron: His wife arranged it for an anniversary present. If you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage. [Everyone stares at her.] House: Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment. Cameron: I'll take the bet. Chase: Maybe the first doctor was right. Food allergy explains the anaphylaxis. Foreman: Could be neurological. Progressive bulbar paralysis would explain the symptoms. Cameron: No, ALS would affect his facial muscles before his throat. House: [writing on the whiteboard] What if the problem's not in his throat? Chase: That would be a little odd considering that's where all his symptoms are. House: Says who? Cameron: The patient. House: Since most patients can't tell their ulna from their anus, I'm guessing this guy also doesn't know the difference between choking and suffocating. His throat might be fine, his lungs might be messed up. Get more blood, a chest CT and a body plethysmograph. Unless, of course, you think we should be asking the patient where his anus is, first. [He leaves.] [Cut to the clinic.] Mr. Lambert: It feels like I have to urinate, and then when I try to go... House: Pull up your pants. Mr. Lambert: It's my prostate, isn't it? House: Nope, not your prostate. Herpes. Mr. Lambert: Herpes? House: Herpes. Your turn. If it makes you feel any better, half the patients who come into this place have some sort of crotch rot. Mr. Lambert: No, it doesn't. Look, this is impossible. I've been married for 20 years. House: Had any sex in those 20 years? Mr. Lambert: Yes, of course - House: Then that's how you got it. Mr. Lambert: The only person I've had sex with is my wife. House: Bummer. Take this, once a day. Tell your wife to do the same. It's not going to cure it, but it'll lessen the frequency of the outbreaks. Mr. Lambert: But there must be some mistake - House: You got any kids? Mr. Lambert: Yeah. House: Any of them take guitar lessons? Mr. Lambert: No... House: Tennis, art, acting? Mr. Lambert: My daughter does karate, why? House: Give this to her sensai. Oh, wait, does your wife play tennis? Mr. Lambert: No. House: That's what I figured. It never hurts to make sure. [gives him another script] For Miyagi. [Cut to the plethysmography machine.] Cameron: I'm gonna close the shutter now. I need you to pant, kinda like a dog. [Bob does so.] That's good, keep going. [to Maria, who is watching with Cameron] Can I ask you a personal question? Maria: Uh, I guess. Cameron: The threesome, and the roleplaying... is that because things get boring? Maria: No, we just enjoy our fantasies. Are you married? Cameron: No. [to Bob] You can go back to taking the deep breaths now. Maria: Marriages don't fail because couples get bored. They fail because, while they're dating people pretend to be the person they think their partner wants and then, well, there's only so long you can keep that up. Cameron: Maybe they are that person while they're dating, but then they change. Maria: People thinking that their partner will change, that's another reason marriages fail. [From inside the machine, Bob winks at Maria. Maria winks back, badly.] People don't change. Least, not in any way that really matters. [Cut to the Ducklings entering House's office. They find him juggling.] Chase: I think you've had enough caffeine. Foreman: You were right, it's not his throat, it's his lungs. Cameron: Plethysmograph revealed decreased lung capacity - Chase: -- and the CT showed lung scarring. [They're both staring and House and his juggling skills.] Foreman: It's definitely interstitial pulmonary fibrosis. What's not definite is the cause. There's no arthritis, no sarcoidosis, he's not on any prescription meds, and he's a wedding photographer, so I doubt he got exposed to coal dust or asbestos at work. Cameron: Cause could be idiopathic. House: Can't be idiopathic. Idiopathic means "without a known cause." Cameron: What I meant was that - House: What you meant was you don't know what the cause is, just say that and we can avoid this conversation. [He stops juggling, catching the oversized tennis ball behind his back.] No applause? [Chase starts to move his hands, but stops. Bwah.] What's his current condition? Cameron: sab. House: Then we can wait. Foreman: Wait for what? House: For whatever you can't figure out to cause something else. You know it's going to. Foreman: It's possible the IPF could just continue to - [All of the team's beepers go off, and the three rush off.] [Cut to Maria and Bob, the latter of which is doing worse.] Maria: There's something wrong with his skin. Bob: Do something! Cameron: Okay, stop scratching, we've gotta look at it. Bob: I can't. It's just driving me crazy! Cameron: You've gotta stop scratching so we can look at it! Bob: Stop, stop, make it stop! [CGI inside of his hives, which look quite nasty.] [Cut to the team, walking.] House: Now we've got something to discuss. What causes both lung scarring and the itchy, red blotches? Chase: It's obviously not a reaction to medication, you haven't given him any yet. House: Right, but what besides what's obviously not caused both the lung scarring and the splotches? [He heads toward the bathroom.] Foreman: Where are you going? House: To complete the second half of the caffeine delivery system. Either talk loud or get in here. [Foreman and Chase enter, Cameron decides to talk loud.] Same color coming out as going in - think that's a marketing thing? Foreman: Lupus could cause lung scarring and a rash. Chase: Or it could still be a food allergy. Foreman: We've already ruled out allergies. House: Did we? Where's Cameron? Foreman: We're in the men's room. House: [yelling] Need an allergy expert in here! [Cameron rolls her eyes and enters.] Cameron: This can wait two minutes. House: You don't know that. Chase thinks that food allergies should still be on the table. Cameron: No, wouldn't explain the lung scarring. Chase: Some homeopathic studies have found a connection between food allergies and autoimmune reactions, which could cause lung inflammation. Cameron: Yeah, and some homeopathic studies have also found that ground-up spiders can cure cancer. Can I go now? House: No. Lungs, skin. Skin, lungs. Sklungs? Lungs, skin. Throat. [He stares at the rust on the urinal's plumbing.] Heavy metal toxicity. It explains the lungs, the itching, the swelling in the tongue and throat. Foreman: I thought you didn't believe there was anything wrong in his throat. House: I never said I didn't believe it. I just said I had good reason to doubt it. Chase: And now? House: Now I have good reason to doubt those doubts. Chase: Patient's still a little old to be chewing paint off the wall. Foreman: Nor does he drink well water, eat fish every day, or do anything else that could've exposed him to heavy metals. Cameron: He and his wife worked a wedding in Cabo San Lucas. A lot of pottery in Mexico is contaminated with lead-based paint. House: Now aren't you glad you joined us? Search their house, and screen his hair and blood for lead. And test for mercury and arsenic while you're at it. Chase, find out what the resort cooks with, if they've repainted recently or did any plumbing repairs. Chase: I don't speak Spanish. House: Then it'll be challenging. [Cut to House entering his apartment. The TV's on, and Wilson is on the couch, eating.] House: Good Lord, what is that smell? Wilson: Stuffed pepper. House: Stuffed with what? Vomit? [He opens the closet to put in his coat, and has to kick things out of the way to close it again.] I thought you were going to a hotel. Wilson: I found an apartment. I can move in on Monday. Is that fast enough for you? House: What's today? Where'd you get all that stuff? Wilson: Well, not from your kitchen. Don't you ever eat anything besides canned soup and peanut butter? House: Don't you ever eat anything that doesn't look like it's been rolled onto your plate by a dung beetle? Wilson: [grabbling a spoon] Try it. [House tries a tiny bite.] It's good, isn't it? House: No. Just better than it looks. How much beans and rice d'you think you'd have to eat from a ceramic pot painted with lead-based paint to get enough lead in your system to damage your lungs? Wilson: Are we talking a child or an adult? House: Adult. Wilson: Then I'd say a lot. You'd have to eat beans every day for months. [Wilson flips to House's TiVo, which has selected to tape/watch The O.C., Spongebob, Monster Truck Jam, New Yankee Workshop, and Blackadder. Hee.] Now, why do you have a season pass to "The New Yankee Workshop"? House: It's a complete moron working with power tools - how much more suspenseful can you get? [He grabs the remote.] Wilson: I was watching something! House: No, you're about to watch something. I'm watching something. See the difference. [Cut to Foreman inspecting Maria and Bob's place.] Maria: If the water was contaminated, wouldn't I be sick, too? Foreman: People can metabolize toxins at different rates. We'll test it to be sure. Have you done any recent renovations? Maria: No. Foreman: Have any problems with bugs or rodents? Maria: Just the occasional ant. Foreman: Use bug spray? Maria: No, I hate the smell. Luckily, both of us are pretty al about keeping things clean. Foreman: Yeah, I can tell. [He sees an ant crawling across a picture.] [Cut to House in Diagnostics, eating pancakes.] House: You think ants are the problem? Cameron: Can you stop stuffing your mouth with pancakes for one second? House: These aren't pancakes. These are macadamia nut pancakes. Wilson made them and they're amazing. Foreman: She says she doesn't use bug spray - House: Little silver dollar slices of heaven. Foreman: Some ants are poisonous. Maybe - House: Forget the 72 virgins. If I blow myself up in a crowded restaurant, I think I'm asking for a plate of these babies. [Cameron has naked desire on her face.] Was the ant small and red or big and black? Foreman: Big and brown. House: Halle Berry brown or Beyonce brown? Cameron: Is there a difference? House: [to Foreman] Is there a difference. Army ants could devour, dissolve, eat a cow in a matter of hours. Australian bull ants, on the other hand, are nasty little bastards, but more of a nuisance than a thrat. [Chase nods his agreement.] No surprise there. Foreman: Beyonce. House: Well then, that's not it. How much clay did he eat at the resort? Chase: It's a five-star, $400 a night place, they don't cook with ceramic pots. House: Tox screen? Cameron: No evidence of lead, mercury or arsenic. House: Run them again. Call the resort, find some disgruntled employee to talk to. Go back to the home - Foreman: It's not heavy metals! House: The symptoms say it is. Cameron: The tests say it's not. House: Well, who're you gonna believe? The symptoms or the test? Chase: It could also be a food allergy. House: Cameron says it's not. Chase: If your tests can be wrong, why can't hers? Cameron: His diet hasn't changed since he was a kid. His favorite food is corn flakes. Chase: Which I assume he eats with milk, one of the most common adult onset food allergies. House: Start treating him for lead poisoning, it's the most likely heavy metal. And yeah, you can test him for allergies for dairy, wheat, and legume. [The team leaves. Chase tries to steal a pancake but House slaps his hand away.] [Cut to Cuddy entering the clinic. A woman approaches her.] Mrs. Lambert: I am not having an affair with my daughter's karate instructor and I did not give my husband herpes. Cuddy: [to a passing nurse] Find out where House is. [Cut to Maria and Bob. Chase is doing scratch tests.] Maria: If you're convinced it's allergies, why are you giving him drugs to treat lead poisoning? Chase: We're not convinced of anything, yet. Bob: I think I need something else. This cream isn't working. Chase: We're doing everything we can. Bob: Ow! Chase: Sorry. Bob: No, it's not my back, it's my feet! I think I stepped in something when I went to the bathroom. It's on my socks, it's burning! Maria: I don't see anything. Bob: Please, take my socks off! Chase: Wait, wait, wait, wait. [Chase starts to remove them] Bob: Ow! Stop, stop, stop! Maria: What did you just scratch him with? Chase: If there was an allergic reaction it would be on his back, not on his feet. Bob: [screaming] Ah, it's burning! Please make it stop! Chase: Gonna need some gabapentin in here. [Cut to Diagonstics.] Chase: Excruciating pain in the lower extremities. Not a sign of a food allergy. Foreman: Means there's a neurological problem. House: More significantly, it's yet another classic sign of heavy metals. Cameron: And I just did yet another hair and blood test for lead and everything else he possibly could have been exposed to, they're all negative. It's gotta be something else. Foreman: Lupus could cause - House: No. Lupus progresses slower, there'd be joint pain. Foreman: So it's not a typical case! We should get an ANA - House: It's not lupus! The symptoms don't match. Cameron: And the tests don't match heavy metals. [Again, all three are beeped and they rush off. House takes a Vicodin and stares at the board.] [Cut to Bob's room.] Maria: It's happening again, he's not breathing! Chase: Tongue swelling, airway's closing, he's not getting any air. Cameron: His lungs are clear. Chase: We're gonna have to intubate. Gotta relax, Bob, this is gonna help you breathe. [Instead of relaxing, Bob starts to vomit.] Maria: Oh, my God! Chase: He's gonna aspirate, he needs suction! Maria: What's happening? Foreman: Suction! Chase: There's too much vomit, we're never gonna be able to intubate! We need to trach him! Maria: He's not breathing! [The team performs possibly the most disgusting tracheotomy I have ever seen.] [Cut to the aftermath. Cameron is getting a sample of the vomit to do testing.] [Cut to House and Foreman in the hall.] Foreman: His urine has elevated proteins and red blood cells. It's lupus-induced kidney failure. If we don't start treatment - House: Heavy metal toxicity could cause vomiting. Foreman: So would lupus nephritis! And it also causes tissue swelling. House: He's choking on his tongue, not his feet. Foreman: The cortical steroids we gave him should control the inflammation and can cause facial swelling. House: Still not his throat, but you're getting closer. Foreman: I'm doing an ANA and a serum compliment. House: If you're so sure, why waste time with tests? Start treatment. Oh no, wait, you can't do that, because we already have and it's not working, ergo - Foreman: Cortical steroids aren't the only treatment for lupus nephritis! We can also try cyclophosphamide or immunosuppressants! House: Only if we confirm the diagnosis with an ANA, serum compliment, anti-DNA, IV pyelogramic kidney biopsy. Foreman: So now you suddenly believe in tests? House: The symptoms - Foreman: The symptoms all point to heavy metal poisoning. Yeah, we all get it. Unless you've got proof and can tell me which heavy metal it is, I'm starting treatment for lupus. [Cut to Foreman with Maria in Bob's room.] Foreman: Systemic lupus erythematosus causes the immune system to become hyperactive, attck normal tissue. It could be what caused the lung inflammation as well as the swelling in his throat, and now what appears to be damage to his kidneys. The treatment's usually steroids. Maria: But he's already on steroids. Foreman: If the tests confirm we're on the right track there are other medications we can try. Maria: And if those don't work? Foreman: Well, lupus, it's a chronic condition, but it's generally controllable. Maria: What do you mean, generally? Foreman: In rare cases, it can cause cardiovascular or renal failure. Maria: Cardiovascular and renal, that's the heart and the kidneys, right? Foreman: Yeah. Bob: Don't worry, it'll be all right. [Cut to House, eating more of Wilson's cooking and looking at the whiteboard in his office. Wilson enters.] Wilson: Enjoying the salad? House: There's no lettuce. Wilson: I'm aware that there's no lettuce. Do you know when I obtained this knowledge? House: Actually, I'm in the middle of - Wilson: When I made it. For myself. House: Well, how was I supposed to know? Wilson: Well, I was hoping this might tip you off. [points to cover, which has a post-it note on it that states: "MY LUNCH DO NOT TOUCH!!"] House: That's kind of selfish, don't you think? Wilson: I offered to make you some, you said no! House: Ah, that was before I tasted the pancakes. It's a compliment, you should be flattered. [Cuddy enters.] Cuddy: Here. [hands him a file] It's Mrs. Lambert's herpes test results. House: Mrs. who? Cuddy: You've told more than one patient his wife is sleeping with his daughter's karate teacher? You want to stir the pot, you have to clean up the mess. House: What would you do if you got herpes? Cuddy: She's coming in at 5:00, don't make me come looking for you. House: Actually, I'd know what you'd do. But, I mean, a normal guy. Cuddy: And don't be calling in sick or saying that your team needs you for some kind of emergency consult. House: He suspected that his wife had also been playing the pickle games, he'd just keep it on the down-low. Just wait 'till she got infected. Wilson: You'd give your own wife herpes just to shift the blame - Cuddy: He'd give his own mother herpes if it got him out of clinic duty. [She leaves.] House: Of course, maybe it was the wife. Maybe she was the one who - [And with the Music of Epiphany, House has figured something out about the Patient of the Week.] [Cut to the MRI.] House: Where's Mrs. Nympho? Cameron: She's waiting outside, why? House: Go search her. Cameron: What, you mean her medical records? House: If I'd meant that, good chance I'd've said that. Cameron: You think she's poisoning him? House: His symptoms should be getting better the longer he's here, instead they're getting worse. Cameron: So either she's poisoning him, or it's not heavy metals. We've done over ten heavy metal tox screens - House: Because there's no reason to test for the other thirty. They don't get into the air or food, they only get in you if someone puts them in you. The only way we're going to find out what she's been sprinkling on his corn flakes is to search her. Cameron: I am not going to accuse a woman of trying to mrder her own husband simply based on some paranoid theory. House: It's the only explanation. We've eliminated every other possibility. Cameron: We have not eliminated every other possibility! House: Has he responded to the latest lupus treatment? Cameron: He's only been on it for a few hours. House: He hasn't responded because it's not lupus! It's not allergies, ALS, arthritis or sarcoidosis. She's all that's left. Do it! [Cut to House going to see Maria in the waiting room.] House: Hi, I'm Dr. House. Mind if I take a look in your purse? Maria: Why? House: Because I'm going to need to search it and you for whatever you're using to poison your husband. Maria: Why would I want to hurt my husband? House: Then you won't mind if I search your things. Maria: Go ahead. [He looks through her bag.] You satisfied? [Cut to Cuddy's office.] Cuddy: Absolutely not. House: She agreed to let me search everywhere else, but this she says no to. Doesn't that tell you something? Cuddy: Yes, that she doesn't want some lunatic doctor searching her vagina with a flashlight. House: Cameron can do that. Cameron: I am not going to - House: The woman hasn't left the hospital since they arrived. Whatever she's using she's obviously hiding somewhere. Cameron: She's not poisoning him! House: It's the only explanation! Cameron: No, it's the only explanation your twisted mind can come up with because you're angry that you can't find the answer and you're taking it out on her! House: And you are protecting a complete stranger based on some childishly romantic notion that people are all so happily married they don't want to kll each other! Cameron: Are you calling my childish? House: Grow up. Cuddy: Shut up. Both of you. And stay away from his wife. Sorry, I'm not giving you permission to asault someone. [Cut to Foreman, Cameron, Maria and Bob walking down the hall (well, Bob is being wheeled. House is watching them from the nurses' station. Wilson sees him staring.] Wilson: Let's see... I'm thinking Colonel Mustard, in the music room, with the candlestick. House: There's no music room, it's the conservatory. Wilson: Same thing. House: No, it isn't. If we don't find out what she's using, start treatment immediately, he'll be dad in a week. Wilson: If you're right. If Foreman's right, you'd have basically rped an innocent woman. [sighs] My wife fired the maid. Apparently she's getting rid of anything that reminds her of me. House: You did your maid? Wilson: I was nice to our maid, which annoyed her, God knows why. House: Maybe she was doing her. Wilson: No one was doing her, all right? House: But you still feel responsible. Even though nothing or no one was done, it's still your fault. Wilson: I offered to keep paying her salary until she found another job, but she refused to take any money without doing any work, so.... If you want someone to clean your apartment, it's on me. House: You're supposed to be moving out, not moving more people in. Wilson: She's not moving in, she's gonna clean! House: Maybe I should just move out, and the two of you could - Maria: [from Bob's room] Oh, God! [Beeping is heard.] Oh, God, no! Foreman: Call a code! [Wilson and House look on.] Charging 360, give him epi! Clear! Cameron: Still no pulse. Foreman: Charging! Clear! Cameron: I got a pulse. Pupils are reactive. You still with us? Foreman: He was without oxygen for less than a minute, can't be hypoxia. Could be a stroke. Maria: Can you hear me? Foreman: Back up. Maria: Bob, talk to me! Bob! Honey, please! [Bob catches his breath.] Cameron: Bob, can you hear me? [He nods.] Maria: He's awake! Cameron: Can you hear me? Maria: Honey? Hi. Wilson: Yes, she is quite the little actress. [Cut to Diagnostics.] House: So, let's say she's not poisoning him. Foreman: There's nothing more to discuss. We've got lung and kidney failure, neurological symptoms, and now cardiac arrest. A systemic disease with multi-organ involvement is the definition of lupus. Cameron: Auto-immunosuppressant aren't helping. Chase: We should start him on cyclophosphamide, see if it makes a difference. House: Yeah, and interferon. Foreman: Interferon isn't an approved treatment for lupus. Cameron: You're not still thinking - Chase: Interferon isn't an approved treatment for heavy metal toxicity, either. House: True. But it's pretty much the only thing we can do for a viral infection. We didn't consider it because it doesn't - Foreman: Because it doesn't make sense! There's no fever! House: Because he's got no immune system, thanks to the immunosuppressant you prescribed him for lupus treatment. Cameron: He didn't present with a fever, either. House: Because at that point he was a post-viral autoimmune reaction, which again, thanks to the immunosuppressants you prescribed for lupus treatment, his immune system basically rolled out the red carpet for the dormant virus, waking it up, turning it into a present viral infection. Give him interferon. Foreman: But if it is lupus, interferon could make it worse. Suppress his bone marrow even further. House: Which is more likely, a rapidly progressing, acute onset lupus in a patient who's already on steroids or a team of doctors missing a post-viral reaction? Foreman: We didn't miss anything. House: Well, then, I'm wrong, and you shouldn't. Give him interferon! [Cut to Foreman talking to Maria.] Foreman: Intravenous interferon has been shown to be effective against some viral infections. Maria: But I thought you said it wasn't an infection. You said it was lupus! Foreman: The increasingly rapid progression of the symptoms has caused us to reconsider. Maria: And what if you're wrong here, too? What if it's not a virus? Foreman: There are risks with interferon, especially in a patient who's already immunosuppressed. [to Bob] Look, at this point your lungs, kidneys and heart are all failing. We really don't have any choice. [Bob nods.] [Cut scenes of Bob and the IV, and Maria sitting next to next to him.] Bob: I cheated. Maria: What? Bob: 9th grade. Earth science. Mr. Foley. I sat behind you so I could cheat off of you. Maria: And I let you cheat so you'd sit behind me. Bob: I thought we were gonna grow old together. Maria: In 9th grade? Bob: No, 10th. Maria: What, you had to make sure I put out first? Bob: No, I knew you put out in the 7th grade. I love you. Maria: Yeah, I know. Bob: Say you love me. Maria: No. Bob: Why not? Maria: Because you're not dying. Bob: Say it anyway. You gonna make me hurt you? Maria: I love you. [The camera pulls back to show Cameron watching.] [Cut to the hallway.] Foreman: It's not working. Both his lungs and his kidneys are continuing to deteroriate. House: Up the dose. Foreman: We already have. House: Apparently not enough. Foreman: I don't think it's a virus. We've been running titers for everything we could think of, they're all negative. [House's beeper beeps.] House: Increase the interferon. Foreman: House - House: You got a better idea, other than lupus? Foreman: No. House: Then up the dose. [Cut to Cuddy's office.] Cuddy: Mr. and Mrs. Lambert's appointment was over an hour ago. House: Sorry, I was sick. And my team needed an emergency consult. Your wife has herpes. Mrs. Lambert: What? That's impossible. I don't have any - House: You haven't had an outbreak. Yet. Don't worry, you will. Mrs. Lambert: You ruddy jackass! Mr. Lambert: Me? But I haven't been with anyone else in 20 years! Mrs. Lambert: But you're the one with blisters on his - House: Doesn't mean he got it first. You don't need to have an outbreak to spread the virus. Mr. Lambert: Yeah, and you're the one talking about always wanting more sex! Mrs. Lambert: From you! And maybe I'd actually get more if you weren't getting it somewhere else! House: Well, you two obviously have a lot to talk about. Cuddy: Don't even think about dumping this on my lap. Mrs. Lambert: There's got to be some way to prove that it's him. Cuddy: I'm sorry, there is no test - House: Either of you two ever sit on a public toilet? Well? Mr. Lambert: Of course. House: Herpes can live for short periods of time outside the body. Cuddy: Dr. House, you know you can't get herpes from - House: Some politically correct doctors will tell you that it's impossible to get infected by a toilet seat, but they'll also tell you not to use the same bath towel to dry your crotch and your face during an outbreak. See the contradiction? Mrs. Lambert: I always use a paper cover. House: Always? Mrs. Lambert: Yes, of course. House: What about you? Mr. Lambert: No. I never knew. Mrs. Lambert: Oh, please, this is ridiculous. House: Damn, I was sure it was Miyagi. Mrs. Lambert: What? House: He could believe that you could get herpes from a toilet seat, or he could be cheating on you and be happy to have an out. Mr. Lambert: The toilet seat makes sense, doesn't it? House: Sure, but she'd only refuse to believe such a well presented lie if she were innocent. And since you both can't be innocent, you ruddy jackass. Mrs. Lambert: You... [She takes off her wedding ring and drops it on the floor.] Mr. Lambert: Thanks a lot. House: My pleasure. Mr. Lambert: Honey? Wait, please! [They leave, running.] Cuddy: Wow. Not bad. [House looks at the ring, and the Music of Epiphany hits again.] [Cut to House leaving, and talking on his cell.] House: She has a family history of arthritis, doesn't she? Cameron: [on the other end] Yeah, she does. What does - House: Stop the interferon. Do another heavy metal screen, only this time test for gold. Cameron: You don't still think that she - House: And don't let her go to the bathroom! Cameron: Why would you care if she - hello? [Cut to Cameron whispering something to Foreman.] [Cut to House on his motorcycle, speeding home.] [Cut to Chase, printing out test results. He passes them to Foreman, who looks surprised.] [Cut to House, who rushes in, startling the maid.] House: Oh! Lady: Hi, I'm Lady. House: What did you do to my closet? Lady: Uh, I cleaned it. Dr. Wilson said that I could go ahead and - House: It's not Dr. Wilson's closet! [And all the slashers go hee!] Where's the wood box? Lady: Wood box? House: Yes, the wood box. It's made of wood, and it's box-shaped. It's been in the back of this closet since the day I moved in. Lady: I didn't see any kind of - House: Well, you may not have seen it, but you've obviously moved it. The question is, where? Lady: Well, I did not move anything, I just left the - House: Look, it was in this closet, then you came, now it's not in this closet! Lady: What type of box is it? House: Wood! Wood! It's a brown, wood box, it's got a metal handle, it looks like a tackle or a toolbox - Lady: Ah, you mean the chest! The one that's under the bed? [Cut to House finding his box under the bed. He quickly opens it and pawns through the numerous small bottles inside.] Lady: Do you need to fix something? House: [pocketing the desired bottle] Um, thanks. [Cut to Maria, who just wants to go to the bathroom.] Maria: Fine, then I'll go to one on another floor. Cameron: Actually, they're not working there, either. Maria: Every bathroom in the whole hospital is out of order? Cameron: Well, there, um, the water - Maria: I'm going to the bathroom. [Cut to House, looking for Maria.] House: Where is she? Cameron: She had to go to the bathroom. House: I told you not to let her. Cameron: What was I supposed to do? Tie her up? House: Why not, she likes that. [He tosses his cane to Chase and works on opening the bottle while walking to the bathroom.] [Cut to the ladies' room.] Maria: What are you doing? [House grabs her hand.] Uh, your hand is wet. House: Sorry, must be nervous. I got some bad news. Maria: What? House: The damage to your husband's lungs is permanent. Kidney damage is reversible and with the right therapy he should regain full neurological function. Other than the fact that he's not going to be running any marathons, he's going to be fine. Maria: But that's good news, isn't it? House: I'm not finished. When I was a kid, my dad was stationed at a marine base in Egypt. We were in the middle of nowhere and there was absolutely nothing for a kid to do except look for a mummy's tomb. Maria: You didn't want me to go to the bathroom because you wanted to tell me my husband is going to be fine and that you used to live in Egypt? House: I didn't have a problem with you going to the bathroom. I just didn't want you to wash your hands. I never actually did find a mummy, but I did learn a fair amount about the ancient Egyptians. For example, they discovered that stannous chloride is not only great for toughening ruby glass, but if it's mixed with gold, it turns bright purple. [He turns over Maria's hand, which is turning purple.] Now, either your fingers are actually worth their weight in gold, or you've been sprinkling your husband's cereal with gold sodium thiomalate. It's an arthritis remedy it's rarely used here in the US, but it's still popular in Mexico. I've gotta give you props. I've never heard of anyone using gold before. It's almost... poetic. Maria: That's ridiculous. Chase: Heavy metal tox screen for gold was off the chart. Maria: Why would I - House: Because you were trying to kll him, I'd love to know the why behind that why. But you're not going to tell me, are you? Maria: You're wrong. I love Bob. House: I never said you didn't love him. [Cut to the hallway.] Cameron: Why would somebody do that? Sit by somebody's beside day and night, helping them, comforting them, and at the same time klling them? Foreman: Maybe he was having an affair? Chase: Maybe she was having an affair. House: Or maybe she just gets her kicks slowly sucking the life out of a guy and watching him suffer. Foreman: He must have done something to her. House: Yeah, he had it coming. Foreman: I didn't he deserved it. Chase: The only thing he did wrong was marry a sociopath. House: Or maybe she just got tired of being married. Didn't want to admit to family and friends that the marriage that everyone thought was perfect wasn't. Foreman: Shouldn't one of us stay with her? If she tries to run - House: Yeah, Cameron, go back there. Well, it would be weird if we were all in the ladies' room. [House leaves in the elevator.] [Cut to the front door. Maria is led away in handcuffs as Cuddy and Cameron watch.] [Cut to House, staring at the whiteboard.] Cameron: We started chelation therapy with dimercaprol. House: Thrilled to hear it. Cameron: His kidney function hasn't improved. House: It will. Cameron: He's gonna need a lung transplant. House: He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he? Cameron: You're pleased. You think you've proved every marriage is a mistake. House: Do I look pleased? [Cameron walks over to him, pulls a $20 from her waistband and hands it to him.] Cameron: Ignorance is bliss. [Closing montage - to "Love and Happiness," no less. Foreman and Chase are walking around the hospital, and talking to Bob, who gives them universal look of, "No, seriously? Whoa..". House is driving home. He gets to his apartment and looks in the fridge, of course picking the piece of food that says: "PROPERTY OF JAMES WILSON TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED!" He starts to listen to his voice mail.] Answering machine: You have one new message. Message: Hi, this is Blake Hansen, calling for Dr. Wilson. Uh, I got a better offer for the apartment. Now, I know I offered it to you already, so if you match the offer you can still have the place. Make sure you call me first thing in the morning and let me know. Otherwise, well, you've got my number. [House looks at Wilson sleeping on the couch and deletes the message. ASDFJ#W(@O(C.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x15 - Clueless"}	foreverdreaming
(Scene opens on a teenage boy confronting an older woman through the glass side door of a house) Dan: It's almost eleven! Barbara: She needs a lot of sleep these days. Dan: Please. Ms Bardach, I haven't seen her for a week. Barbara: I'll see how she's feeling. [she opens the glass door] Dan: Thank you. Barbara: You know what to do. [We see Dan using soap to scrub all the way up his arms and then wash them under the tap in the kitchen sink. He uses tissue to wipe his arms just as Barbara walks in] Barbara: All done? Dan: Yeah. I uh... scrubbed for 45 seconds, did the nails, all the way down to the elbows. The whole deal. [he sneezes] Barbara: Are you sick? Dan: No! No no no. Barbara: [she reaches to touch his neck] Cough? Sore throat? Dan: No no no. I just... sometimes I sneeze when I look at lights. Always have. Barbara: I'm sorry, you'd better-- Dan: I would never get her sick. Please. (Scene shifts to Melinda lying on her bed, Dan knocks on the door) [Dan is wearing a mask as he walks into her bedroom which has been made into a clean room] Melinda: A mask. Dan: Got me by the bouncer. Melinda: She's crazy! She's let me out like 6 times in the last 2 months, every time is just to go to the hospital, I'm a prisoner! Dan: Aww, it's ok. [They sit next to each other on the bed and he runs a finger over the surgical scar she has on her chest] Melinda: It's ugly. Dan: No. I wasn't looking at the scar anyways. [she smiles and zips up her jumper] Melinda: Take off your mask. Dan: Uhh... if your mom comes in here... Melinda: Hey, give me a kiss or I'll kll you. [Dan takes off his mask but as they're about to start kissing he notices hives on her forearm] Dan: Your skin... are you ok? [Melinda starts scratching when suddenly she has difficulty breathing. CGI of her airways closing. She quickly struggles to the cabinets on the others side of the room and opens a drawer. She takes out an epi pen which she struggles to get Dan to use on her as her face starts to turn white] Dan: Melinda can you...hey what's wrong? What's wrong, is it your heart? What's wrong?! Mrs Bardach!! [Melinda drops the pen and she falls backwards, falling into anaphylactic shock] Dan: Melinda, I don't know how to use this, I've never used one of these before! [Just in the nick of time, Barbara arrives and quickly pushes epi to save Melinda, Dan is shocked] Barbara: What did you do to her? (Scene opens with House in a v-neck t-shirt and long pants hobbling his way into the kitchen. He quickly and quietly takes unwashed dishes from last night hidden in the oven, and dumps them into the kitchen sink. Wilson, all dressed up nicely arrives on the scene) Wilson: Cuddy called. House: I know. Saw the caller ID. Wilson: Young girl, anaphylactic shock. House: You answered? Wilson: Turns out, that's what stops the ringing. It's a weird case. [he turns to see the unwashed dishes in the sink] I thought you did the dishes last night. It was your day. House: I did. Those are new. Midnight snack. [he pops a vicodin] Wilson: For a midnight snack you made a pot roast. The same pot roast I made last night. House: Yeah. Actually it was after midnight. Today is your day, right? Wilson: You want me out of here, I get it. House: No it's fine if you stay. [he opens the fridge and notices a bottle with the label "Property of James Wilson" which he promptly snags out and starts drinking from] Wilson: The place I was going to move, the guy never called, otherwise I'd already be there. House: I said it's fine if you stay. Wilson: Yeah, that's why you're making me miserable. House: Maybe I just want to make sure you do your fair share around here. Wilson: That... [he notices it's his bottle but doesn't manage to stop House from drinking from it in time] House: What's weird about it? The girl with the allergies. Wilson: Yeah. She's immuno-compromised. House: What are you doing? Wilson: What? You asked me-- House: You knew that I was interested, that gives you a valuable bargaining chip. Could have had me doing dishes for a week. Wilson: [stares around in confusion for a few seconds] Ok. [he grabs the bottle off House and walks back out of the kitchen] The allergic reaction happened while she was in a clean room. (Scene cuts to conference room with the Ducklings and Cuddy) Cameron: Why did she have a clean room in her home? House: Heart transplant. The immune system's in the toilet, mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta quality bubble. Foreman: Six months after the transplant, she doesn't need to be confined to a clean room. House: Six months without putting out, Dr Cuddy doesn't NEED to wear thong panties, but it's not our call. Cuddy: I was wondering when you'd get around to my panties. She's had 4 days of work-ups. They've tested everyone who came anywhere near that room, everything in the room. House: It's like an Agatha Christie mystery. Chase: Maybe it's not what was there; it's what she was doing. House: Exercise allergy. Love it. What sort of exercise could a strapping young man and a nubile teenage nymphet possibly be-- Cuddy: Mom was in the room within seconds. Chase: So the boyfriend brought in an allergen and is lying about it. Cameron: Or the girl snuck out and she's lying about that. House: Or the parents are lying about the room being clean. Cuddy: These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying? House: Hasn't let me down yet. Re-check mom, dad, the girl, the boy, the room and the home. (Scene cuts to Foreman in the clean room with Melinda, her parents and Dan) Foreman: Any of you have a new soap? Detergent? Perfume? Lewis (the dad): No no, Barbara's really careful about that stuff. Foreman: [looking at Melinda] And you haven't been outside recently? Melinda: How could I? I'm trapped up there. Barbara: You're not trapped, it's just safe-- Melinda: They won't even tell me the alarm code. Just tell her I can go back to school. Foreman: Until we've cleared this up [shakes his head] Melinda: Fine. Find out what I'm allergic to and I'll stay away from it. Then I can go back to school. Right? Foreman: It's up to your parents, but err... medically, there's no reason... Melinda: Hah. Told you. Barbara: Could I speak to you outside for a second, please? [Melinda and Dan exchange a look as Foreman and Barbara walk outside] Barbara: You know, this is hard enough without you-- Foreman: She asked my opinion. Barbara: She is 16-yrs-old, lie to her. Foreman: When I was eight, my mom she... she hated-- Barbara: I know, I... I need to loosen up. I'm overprotective, I saw Finding Nemo, I get it, I don't need another story. Foreman: You're not just being overprotective; you're one of the most overprotective parents I've ever seen! Barbara: She has the best private tutors. I let her friends visit, I'm not going to apologise. Foreman: Just giving you my thoughts. Barbara: She almost died 3 times during her childhood. Penicillin, bee stings, peanuts. Foreman: I've seen her file. Barbara: Six months ago, we leave her home alone for the first time on a weekend. She goes out, buys one chocolate chip cookie, peanut butter in the dough. She's forgotten her epi pen, she drives to the hospital, passes out, has an accident. Steering wheel crushed her chest. She ended up losing her heart. So when you say to me that I'm one of the most overprotective parents you've seen, please, please introduce me to the ones who were more protective. So that I can find out what they're doing right. (Scene cuts to Chase and Cameron searching Melinda's bedroom) Chase: She's allergic to having a sucky social life. Cameron: Give the parents a break; they're just trying to keep her healthy. Everything in here is labelled hypo-allergenic. Chase: Check it anyway. [Cameron rolls her eyes and does a salute to his order] Cameron. [he opens a window next to the bed. A tree branch is growing exceptionally close to the window] Cameron: This place is cleaner than her hospital room. [she walks to where Chase is next to the window] Chase: No alarm on this window. Cameron: It's a 20-foot drop. Chase: You can get to the tree from here, there's some bark scraped off. Cameron: Sure, a heart transplant girl swung down there on a vine. Maybe she was hooking up with Tarzan and cheated on by the elephant graveyard. Chase: Or, Jane stayed in the tree house, Tarzan came up. (Scene cuts to Chase and Cameron privately confronting Dan) Dan: Ok, erm... I spent most of the night, Friday, but if her mom finds out about that, she will totally freak. Chase: You guys had sex? Dan: Yeah but... you know, I did everything I could to make sure she wouldn't get sick. Chase: [turns to Cameron] Latex allergy? Dan: What do you mean, like a condom? We didn't... Cameron: You had unsafe sex? The whole unsafe thing didn't tell you something? Dan: Yeah... but we didn't like... we didn't... plan on it, you know... just... I don't know, we're in love. We've been dating for 2 years. Cameron: Practically a lifetime. [to Chase] How about a semen allergy? Chase: We're going to need a semen sample. [he hands Dan a cup] You can use the bathroom over there. Dan: Right, uh... how do I... Cameron: Aim and sht. [Dan reluctantly walks off] Chase: No thinking about Dr Cameron, we'll know. Cameron: [sighs] We should tell her parents. Chase: Why stop there, call the cops. Cameron: Melinda's a minor. Chase: And if we nip it in the bud here, teenagers will never again have sex. The parents will find out when they get the bill anyway. Cameron: Oh, so you're fine with them finding out as long as you don't have to tell them personally? Chase: Pretty much. Cameron: [sighs again and checks her watch] Too bad it's not you giving the sample. We'd be done by now. [Chase looks at her in a dumbfounded fashion] (Cut to Cameron talking to House while walking down to the clinic) Cameron: Test was negative. No semen allergy. House: Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis, I don't buy that it's unrelated. Cameron: He loves her. Did everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick. House: What's that mean? Cameron: Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness. No, maybe I should give a more relatable example. House: Oh snap! What did he do to protect her, brillo-pad his privates? Cameron: I assume he washed and he... House: Oh good work, assumptions are so much faster than actual questions. (Scene cuts to House opening the door into Melinda's clean room) House: [points with his cane] You the boyfriend? Need to borrow you. Barbara: What is going on? House: Don't worry. I'll return him in roughly the same condition. (Scene cuts to our favourite patient's room - the coma patient!) House: Did you take anything to stay healthy? Something stronger than an apple a day? Dan: [points worriedly to the coma patient] Is he ok? House: He's just tired. From being in a coma so long. What'd you take? Don't worry, he can keep a secret. [Dan keeps staring at the coma patient; House grabs his face and turns him to look at House] Antibiotics? Penicillin? Any of those names ring a bell? Dan: Yeah, uh... my friend Elliot, his dad had like a whole bottle that he hadn't finished so I swiped it and took a bunch for like a week. There's no way I was going to risk breathing germs on Melinda. House: This is the one downside of teenage sex. You're idiots. You almost klled your girlfriend. [Dan looks confused] She's allergic to penicillin. Dan: [in shock] What do you think there was still some on my lips? I brushed my teeth! House: Think lower, and more fun. Dan: [looks down] I mean... it can... it can go through your stuff? House: Totally, dude! There's this administrator here, whenever she gets sick she just gives me the prescription. Dan: But you know they tested Melinda, they said she wasn't allergic to my stuff. House: Yeah, 4 days later. By that time the penicillin was crusting up a sock in the bottom of your hamper. Dan: Do you have to tell her it was my fault? House: No. Great part of being a grown-up, you never have to do anything. [Dan does a facepalm and almost rests back against the bed when he does a double take as he realises it's the coma patient he's resting against] (Scene cuts to Cameron talking to Barbara outside Melinda's room) Barbara: You're releasing her? What happened? What did you find out? Cameron: The test on your house ruled out any environmental allergens. Barbara: Yeah, but what caused this? Cameron: We believe it's highly unlikely that this set of circumstances will repeat itself. Barbara: What set of circumstances? Cameron: It's good news. She's healthy, but you might want to talk-- [She is disturbed by the beeping of alarms in the room] Foreman: Cameron! [She rushes in] Melinda: I can't breathe! Cameron: Getting the epi. Foreman: [listening with a stethoscope] No murmurs, no friction, no obstruction-- Lewis: Give her the sht! Barbara: What are you waiting for? [Cameron and Foreman lift her to sit up as he listens to the back of her lungs. She starts coughing up white foamy stuff] Cameron: She's coughing up white sputum. Foreman: Crackling two thirds of the way up. [They lay her back down, a vein in Melinda's neck is clearly sticking out] Cameron: Look at her neck. Barbara: She is vomiting, could you give her the sht?! Cameron: It's not an allergy, it's her heart. (Scene cuts to House and Ducklings in the conference room) House: What's the good news, what's the bad news? [he's writing on the whiteboard] Chase: Congestive heart failure. House: Is which? Chase: Good news. House: Why? Chase: I don't know, it just sounded like you. House: New puzzle piece, always good news. What's the bad news? Foreman: We've got 2 puzzle pieces from 2 different puzzles. House: [sighs] Seems that way. Cameron: What if her anaphylaxis wasn't anaphylaxis. Toxicity from the anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure and then heart failure. House: And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen? It's anaphylaxis. What else? Foreman: What if there really are two puzzles? Cameron: You think she had 2 unrelated rare conditions in one week? Foreman: We explained the anaphylaxis. House: What do you mean 'we'? I did! Guess I thought I did, maybe I didn't. Still, it was all me. Foreman: And heart problems aren't so rare for someone who's had a heart transplant. I say we assume House was right about the anaphylaxis-- House: It is tempting! Foreman: [he snatches the whiteboard marker from House and starts writing] Heart failure could be either infection, coronary disease, or rejection. House: [snatches the marker back] Sorry, there's a reason they call it the WHITEboard. It's not my rule. What ties both of these conditions together? [Silence from the Ducklings] Foreman: Ok, we can all stare at each other or we can investigate what caused the heart failure. Just the heart failure. You wanna give me that BLACK marker? [House hands the marker over and goes to sit down] Cameron: There's no fever, so it's probably not infection. Chase: Or no fever because she's been on immuno-suppressants for about 6 months. Foreman: Let's do a CT, get a heart biopsy... [scene fades out] (Cut to Melinda in the MRI machine) Cameron: Anything? Foreman: Not yet. So I hear you don't want teenagers having sex. Teen su1c1de rate isn't high enough for you already? Cameron: I just think those two are brats. Girl undercuts her mother any chance she gets. Foreman: Yeah it's the daughter's fault, has nothing to do with mom infantilising her. Cameron: Good point. Explains why parents who don't pay attention get such nice well-adjusted children. Foreman: What's this? [looks at the scan of the heart on the screen] Cameron: Think its vegetation? Foreman: Yeah, the kind made of muscle that opens your heart valves. It's nothing. She's clean. [Melinda is out of the MRI and sits up on the little bed] Foreman: It's good news. You don't show any signs of coronary artery disease. Melinda: So what's next? Foreman: Well, blood work to rule out infection, and then a heart surgical biopsy to rule out rejection. Melinda: But you don't think you're going to rule out both things, do you? Foreman: No. Melinda: I'm going to lose this heart, right? Foreman: Hopefully we'll find the problem and fix it. You'll keep your heart a long time. Melinda: How long? Foreman: There could be drug breakthroughs that allow you to keep it for decades more. Melinda: Yeah. That's the answer my cardiologist always gives me. I looked it up on the web. It's like... 5 or 10 years, right? Foreman: [looks uncomfortable] That's about the average. Melinda: That's why I need to have a life. Why can't you convince my mom to let me go back to school? Foreman: Melinda, you've got bigger worries right now than missing school. Until we figure out what's wrong with your heart, the safest place for you to be is right here. (Scene cuts to Wilson walking up the door of the building to House's apartment. He's carrying his briefcase and takes out his keys) [He unlocks the front door but spots a stethoscope hanging over the doorknob of the door to House's apartment. He sighs as he realises what this means and we see a montage over the song 'Pain in My Heart' by Otis Redding. We see a progression of scenes where Wilson sits at the steps in front of the building, waiting for House. House's motorbike is noticeably parked right next to the steps. We also see scenes of Melinda's heart biopsy going on. Back to Wilson, he settles down to the lines "where can my baby be" in front of the door, lying back against the wall reading a magazine, and then falls asleep. The sky turns from bright daylight to dark night before House finally steps out of his apartment in his rumpled shirt, pokes Wilson with his cane and gestures for Wilson to get in to the lyrics "come back, come back baby"] Wilson: [closes the door] Where is... [House raises his eyebrow] the hooker, I assume? House: [taps his head] Right up here, buddy. [he turns on a light and slips on to the couch] Wilson: You said you'd hang the stethoscope if you were having sex. House: I didn't say it had to be with another person. [Wilson suddenly flinches away, extreme exasperation and a touch of horror to his expression] Can you think of anything that would tie together anaphylaxis and heart failure? Wilson: No. I was waiting out there, for hours! House: Now I need a lot of foreplay, and then there's the cuddling afterwards. [Wilson looks fed up and throws his briefcase on to the floor] Any way that anaphylaxis isn't anaphylaxis even if it responds to epi? Wilson: No. Well no wonder you were in the mood. This month's New Jersey journal of Cardiology. [he picks up the magazine on the table] House: Have you seen the centre fold? There's no WAY those valves are real! Any chance that the heart failure could be unrelated to-- Wilson: No. If you need time alone to work, you just have to say so. You don't have to lie about it. House: Lying's more fun. Wilson: Being lied to, not as much fun. House: Please have an answer to this question: what's for dinner? [he opens a package of some snack while Wilson walks into the kitchen] Wilson: You STILL haven't done the dishes?! House: You want one of these? I think I got a couple of blueberries... ohh... nope, sorry [he eats it] just one. [Wilson stands at the kitchen doorway and watches House while squeezing the bridge of his nose] Well don't look all weepy. If you've got a problem with me, deal with it! Shred my sheets or something. [Wilson puts up his hands in a gesture of surrender, turns on the kitchen lights, and proceeds to wash the dishes. House rolls his eyes] (Scene cuts to hospital the next day, Foreman talks to the parents) Foreman: Biopsy was negative for rejection. Lewis: Thank god. Barbara: And what about the blood tests? Foreman: Showed no infection. Barbara: So we still don't know what caused her heart failure. Lewis: Let's just be happy she doesn't need a new heart. Foreman: Mrs Bardach, it could have just been a one-time thing. Barbara: So she has an allergic reaction and heart failure, and neither of them can be explained. [Foreman shrugs] Lewis: Are they doing anymore tests on her? [checks in Melinda's room] Foreman: No. Lewis: She's not here. (Cut to Cuddy talking into a telephone) Cuddy: Notify local hospitals, cab companies, the state troopers and local cops. Any security officers off duty are back on duty. Voice replies: We're on it. Cuddy: [turns to the parents] I'm going to need some pictures. And go through those drawers. [Foreman does so, Cuddy gets back on the telephone] And I want at least 2 people going over the surveillance tapes. Barbara: [hands a picture of Cuddy] Will that work? Cuddy: [looks at what Foreman took out] Are those all her clothes? Barbara: Uhh... yeah. Cuddy: She's obviously still in the building. So where did she go, what does she want? Foreman: To see her boyfriend? Cuddy: She didn't take her phone. Foreman: [suddenly realises] She wants to be outside. [he runs to the staircases and up to the roof] [Just at the stairs that lead to the door of the roof, Melinda is sitting dejectedly. Foreman slowly approaches her] Foreman: If you're trying to scare your parents, great job. Can we go back now? Melinda: [softly] I hate her. Foreman: [sits down near Melinda] When I was 8-yrs-old, I was sick. Well not really sick, but the point is my mom she could-- Melinda: She was like this before. Home by nine every night, can't go out on the weekends, can't do sports, transplant just gave her what she always wanted. Foreman: Melinda, you had heart failure. This is kind of an insane time to be criticising your mom about being overprotective. Melinda: I know. I mean this is what makes it even worse, all of her craziness is... it just... makes sense now. Foreman: Everything is going to be alright. Melinda: I didn't even try to get outside. I was too scared. Foreman: Come on. [he helps her stand up and lets her walk on down ahead of him. He watches for a moment] Woah woah, Melinda, please walk back towards me. Melinda: Why? Foreman: Please? Melinda: [walks back, her left foot is dropped] It feels kind of weird. (Scene cuts back to Melinda sitting on her bed, Foreman examines her foot) Foreman: It's called steppage gait. Lewis: Is it serious? Foreman: Not necessarily. [to Melinda] Now stick your leg out, hold it up. Barbara: She was under anesthesia for the biopsy, if she lost oxygen... Foreman: CT ruled out brain damage. Put your leg down. Relax. [As he lets her leg down, a muscle in her thigh starts spasming] Barbara: Why is her leg twitching like that? Foreman: Fasciculation. Lewis: Is that serious? Foreman: It's paralysis. And it's ascending. Barbara: She's going to lose the use of her legs? Foreman: To start with. [Melinda looks horrified] (Scene cuts to House and Ducklings again in the conference room) Foreman: It's ascending fast; she can hardly extend her leg now. Cameron: At this rate it'll be up to her lungs in a matter of days. House: So... anaphylaxis, heart failure and paralysis. We couldn't put the first two together; I'm guessing we can't put all three together. Cameron: Tick paralysis? Could also explain the anaphylaxis, maybe even the-- Foreman: Penicillin allergy explains the allergic reaction much better. Chase: Particularly because tick paralysis is usually accompanied by a tick. We did two comprehensive physicals looking for insect bites. House: Can we put any two of those together? Foreman: How about we stipulate? You argue that there must be something to connect all 3 symptoms, you mocked us for not figuring it out and finally you let us discuss the paralysis on its own because it's what's gonna to kll her. Now it's ascending, MRI's are clean so rule out stroke or aneurysm. Cameron: ALS? MS? Foreman: Progression's too quick. Chase: Spinal lesion from leukaemia? Foreman: Too slow. It's most likely Guillain-Barre. Chase: She's immuno-suppressed. What about botulism? Foreman: Not unless she's been walking around on her hands the last couple of days. Botulism paralysis is descending, not ascending. Cameron: Could be a virus. West Nile, even Polio with her immune system sht. House: Get an LP. And do PCRs for the viruses. And get an EMG to check for Guillain-Barre. Foreman's right, we've got to find out why she's paralysed. [the Ducklings stare] But not before staring at me dumbly for a few seconds. [Ducklings make their exit] (Scene cuts to Chase doing an LP on Melinda, Foreman does voice over, various scenes of Ducklings doing tests on Melinda) Foreman: We ran more tests on your daughter. We took a lumbar puncture; got some spinal fluid and we brought it to the lab to look for infections that could be affecting her brain. We also did an EMG to check how her muscles and nerves are responding to electrical impulses. Unfortunately, her muscles are showing increased weakness above the knee. Barbara: You mean she's getting worse? [scene now cuts to Foreman talking to the parents] Foreman: The LP and PCRs ruled out Polio and West Nile. We think its Guillain-Barre. Her body's immune response goes haywire, starts attacking the peripheral nerves. It causes muscle weakness and paralysis. Lewis: How bad is it? Foreman: It's serious, but Guillain-Barre usually responds very well to plasmapheresis. [Scene cuts to Melinda on the bed, machines next to the bed are performing plasmapheresis, CGI comes up to visually explain what Foreman is saying] Foreman: You see the plasma, the clear liquid part of her blood, contains most of the antibodies which are overreacting and attacking her nervous system. The machine spins her blood in a centrifuge and separates parts of the blood based on weight. White blood cells are the heaviest, then the red cells, then platelets and plasma. We discard the stuff that's causing all the trouble and return the good blood cells back to her body in a replacement fluid. If it works, we'll see results in a couple of days. (Scene cuts to House's apartment, House walks in with his biker jacket. Wilson is standing waiting for him, arms crossed over his chest) Wilson: You didn't get any messages for me last week, did you? House: Nope. Wilson: That's funny, guy finally called back. Place I lost? Said he left 3 voicemails. House: Gotta pee. Wilson: Which I never got. If that wasn't clear. House: He must be lying. [he hobbles towards the toilet, Wilson follows] You wouldn't want to live with a liar. Wilson: You erased my messages? House: Yup! Decided I wanted you to stay. Told you that didn't I? [he continues talking to Wilson while he pees] Wilson: You're... miserable, and you're lonely, and you're going to trap me here to keep me every bit as miserable and lonely too [emo moment!] House: Yeah, and you're happy happy happy. Wilson: Ok, hey, I'm obviously going through a rough patch here. Your wife leaves, tends to bum somebody out. House: [flushes the toilet, hobbles to the sink to wash his hands] Do you know where my pee went? Wilson: You're missing some? House: Nope, came out of me and went right into the toilet. Now why would that be? Wilson: You're William Tell, you could pick an apple off someone's head? House: No, it's because there was no clear plastic wrap over the toilet. The stuff's in the kitchen, you have plenty of time. All that was missing was the WILL. Wilson: This isn't a college dorm! House: It could be. Wilson: We're not 18! House: So what? What did I do to you? I scammed you into doing the dishes, made you sit on the steps. I didn't kll your puppy. I did not make you miserable. Wilson: Oh, so this is therapy? House: No... just makes me smile. Wilson: All right, I'm finding a new place tomorrow. House: [takes a beer and pops off the lid] Right, but not tonight. Wilson: Well I figure you wanna shave my eyebrows while I'm asleep I wouldn't want to deprive you of that last smile. House: You're not going anywhere. You're going to sit on my couch, and depress us both because you just can't admit that it's over with your wife. Wilson: That's right, I'm here on vacation. House: Have you gotten a lawyer yet? Wilson: That's... that's... not... House: You even called one? As long as you're here, it's just a fight. As soon as you get a place, then it's a divorce. Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about. [Wilson suddenly realises House's intentions all along, yay!] (Scene cuts to Foreman testing Melinda) Foreman: Reflexes are marginally weaker. Barbara: Her paralysis is getting worse? Foreman: Sometimes it takes a few treatments for the plasmapheresis to work. Melinda: [snuggles up in her blankets] Why do these things keep happening to me? [Barbara helps to cover Melinda with the blanket] Lewis: Dan's back. Barbara: Baby did you hear that? Dan's here. Melinda: I don't want to see him. [Foreman and the parents look confused] Barbara: I'll tell him to come back later. Melinda: No! Mommy, stay here, please. Barbara: Of course. [Foreman steps outside next to Dan; he shakes his head, Dan nods and walks away. Melinda has gone to sleep, Barbara walks out to talk to Foreman] Foreman: She ok? Barbara: Just sleeping. Foreman: I'm sure she's exhausted. Mood swings are common with the anti-rejection meds. Barbara: No, she's had mood swings. This isn't it; this is... she's given up. I know you think I'm... this isn't what I wanted. She's always fought with me, ever since she was a baby she was so damn stubborn. But I never wanted her like this. I just wanted her safe. [Alarms start beeping in the room] Lewis: Doctor. Doctor! [Foreman rushes in, Melinda is sitting up, struggling to breathe] Lewis: She can't breathe, she couldn't even get a whole sentence out. [Foreman uses his stethoscope to check Melinda's lungs] Foreman: She's losing accessory muscles. Chase: [running in] O2 stat's down to 90, lungs clear? [to Melinda] Does your tongue feel swollen? Foreman: No hives. Chase: It's not an allergy. Foreman: Her lips are cyanotic, we've got to intubate. Barbara: What are you doing? [they lower her bed down] Chase: Pushing lorazepam. Foreman: She's not getting enough oxygen, we've got to assist her breathing. [they proceed to intubate her] Barbara: What was that? Was that a reaction to the treatment? Foreman: It's the paralysis. It's reached her lungs. (Scene cuts to Ducklings calling House) Chase: Melinda's dying. House: [in his PJs] We're all dying. How fast? Foreman: Too fast for Guillain-Barre. Chase: Cuddy wants to get her an MRI to rule out a spinal lesion. House: [hobbling across his kitchen with a pot filled with water] Cuddy? What's she doing on this? Foreman: The family lost confidence in us. House: I don't blame them. I'll be right in. [he puts down the phone and puts the pot of water next to the couch, then proceeds to lift one of Wilson's hands and dips it into the pot of water] (Scene cuts to Ducklings and House in the hospital next morning) Foreman: It's like she got poisoned with a nerve agent. Cameron: Glue inhalation. Would explain why she hasn't admitted it. Foreman: Tox screen was clear for pot. Middle class heart transplant patient's going to huff glue? Chase: Pesticides? Cameron: This time of the year they're not spraying. House: This girl's tough. She gets what she wants. She's deprived of human contact; she gets herself a back door man. Or in her case, a side window boy. What else has she been deprived of? Cameron: She's on a special diet because of her allergies. House: The boyfriend brings the hot beef, he also brings a side dish. Botulism. Foreman: This paralysis is ascending, remember? House: Not if the heart problem was really a paralytic problem. Cameron: Why would she admit the sex and not the food? Chase: She didn't admit anything. He admitted the sex and we didn't ask him about food. House: Get me a rat. Cameron: You have a rat. House: What? We're not going to kll Steve! Only way to confirm this, we inject a rat with her blood, and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime I'm going downstairs to browbeat the scared dying teenage girl until she... breaks down like a scared dying teenage girl. (Scene cuts to House barging into the MRI room where Melinda, the parents, Cuddy... and Wilson await) House: [to Wilson] You're up early. Wilson: Cuddy needed a consult. Cuddy: We're checking for spinal lesions from leukaemia. House: Yeah, I know. Fits perfectly. Unless this is the patient with the anaphylaxis, the heart failure, and the paralysis. In which case you're wasting your time. Barbara: We wanted a second opinion. House: Second? We've given you at least 8. Ok, well then here is 9. [he extubates Melinda] Botulism. Listen to me, have you eaten anything abnormal? Any canned foods? Melinda: No. House: You sure? Lying to your parents is usually the right thing to do, but there is an impending death exception. [he takes the bag and puts it over her mouth then pumps it to help her breathe] Lewis: Don't talk to her like that! House: You're right, she never lies. I was being rude. When your boyfriend snuck in on Friday night [turns around to the parents] - surprise! - perhaps he got you some sexy little treats, huh? Some honey or some edible underwears, massage oils, come on, anything. Melinda: [gasping for breath] We didn't-- House: Yeah, we know about the sex. [Melinda's eyes widen in shock] Turns out that Danny's little Danny is full of penicillin and that's what caused your anaphylactic shock. Barbara: What? You didn't tell us that! Melinda: No! It was clindamycin, what I use. House: [shocked] He said he was on penicillin. Melinda: [shakes her head] I saw the bottle. Foreman: It's a non-penicillin antibiotic. House: If the antibiotics didn't cause the anaphylaxis... Foreman: It's still on the table. House: Everything's connected. Foreman: What did we discuss? What was the differential? House: Cameron said... [House and Foreman share a look, Foreman takes over pumping the bag to help Melinda breathe] When Dan came to your house that night, did he go through any tall grass? Melinda: Climbed a fence. [House snags Barbara's handbag and empties it. He picks out a comb] Barbara: What are you doing? House: Your daughter had 2 visitors on Friday night. One of them is still in the room. She has tick paralysis. Dan tracked a tick on to his jeans, which wouldn't be a problem but being a teenager, Dan couldn't keep his tick in his pants. Foreman: We already checked her. House: Now I'm checking her. Wilson: Tick bites don't ordinarily cause anaphylactic shock. House: This girl's allergies are not ordinary. Cuddy: House, get out of here, we have to re-intubate her, and get her into the MRI. House: Time course is perfect. Bite itself sets off an allergic reaction, venom takes 4 days to kick in, heart's vulnerable, hits that first. Then a day later, sets off the ascending paralysis. Cuddy: Except that ticks aren't usually invisible. House: They are until you find them! [he triumphantly holds up the comb...] oh no, that's dandruff. Okay well that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time it'll be even better. [Melinda starts to go into distress, alarms start beeping] Lewis: What's happening? House: That's the tick venom ascending. Cuddy: Either that or you stressed her into heart failure. BP's dropping. Heart rate 47. Foreman: I'm administering atropine. Cuddy: She's going to need a trans-venous pacing wire. Ok, magical tick hunt is over! [she pulls House away] Only real doctor stuff now. House: She's just going to get worse. Ticks produce more toxins the longer they feed. She's going to be dad in an hour, even if you pump her heart full of jet fuel. Unless you let me find the tick. Barbara: Could he be right? Cuddy: The only thing I know for sure is that your daughter's heart won't last another 20 minutes without treatment. House: Okay, just need one final instruction, when I find the tick on the autopsy, do you want to know? I'm thinking not, probably will make coping easier. Cuddy: Stop talking to them! [to a nurse] Page Borsisky in Cardiology and get her team down here, stat. [to another nurse] Get them out of here, get House out of here too. Dr Wilson, I could use your help. [House and the parents get herded out] Wilson: Well I don't know if the dopamine's enough. She may need an inamrinone lactate. [he says that just before House gets out the door so House can hear] Barbara: Why? What's that? Cuddy: She doesn't-- Wilson: She might need stronger pressers and they don't have any in radiology. Cuddy: Inamrinone can cause arrhythmia and thrombocytopenia. Wilson: Not inamrinone could cause death. Death's worse. We have to get her up to the ICU. (Scene cuts to Cuddy, Foreman and nurses wheeling Melinda's bed to the elevators) [House pushes the lift doors open with his cane and stands in the doorway while helping to pull Melinda's bed in. The cane in the doorway blocks Cuddy from getting in, Foreman ducks under it and into the lift] House: Sorry, a little crowded in here. Cuddy: House, get out of the elevator. House: You're welcome to wait for the next one. [he takes back his cane and the doors start to close] Cuddy: You got her? Foreman: Got her. [Wilson and House share a knowing look before the doors close. House pulls the emergency stop button, and looks innocent as Foreman glares at him accusingly] House: Well as long as we're stuck here, this might be a good time to look for that tick. Foreman: Turn the elevator back on. House: Just be a minute, honey. [Foreman tries to walk to the buttons to release the elevator but House pushes him back with his cane. While they're struggling, alarms start beeping and Melinda's going into distress again] Foreman: Atropine's wearing off. House: Inject her again. Foreman: That's just temporary. House: Temporary's fine, we're not hanging wallpaper. Foreman: We've got to get her upstairs and put her on norepiniphrine. House: It wasn't penicillin. You still think the symptoms are unconnected? Foreman: We've got to take care of her heart-- [he takes the bag and starts pumping to aid her breathing again] House: [shouting] You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, your curtains are gone, and the water's boiling. Which problem do you deal with first? Foreman: House! House: None of them! The building's on fre! We treat her symptoms, she dies, we find the cause, she lives. That tick is an IV drip of poison, we unhook it, she'll be fine. Foreman: [gives up after a few seconds] This is my last atropine. Buys us about 3 minutes. House: Let's get her gown up. [Foreman injects the atropine and House starts his search. Melinda is revived] Foreman: Her heart rate falls below 35; we're getting her to the ICU. Not going to let her die in this elevator. (Scene cuts to...) [Meanwhile, on the ICU floor, the parents, Cuddy and Wilson arrive only to find Melinda hasn't arrived yet] Lewis: Where are they? Cuddy: [to the nurses] Get maintenance up here right away. [Cut back to House and Foreman] Foreman: Ear canal's clean. House: Left foot's clean. Foreman: If it's not here, we've only got... heart rate's 46. House: It's here. Looks like a mole or a freckle, something we missed. Check the armpits. [Back to Cuddy] Cuddy: Dr Foreman's an excellent doctor; he'll be able to handle it. Lewis: Yeah? You know that from experience? You lose a lot of patient's on elevators? Barbara: The maintenance guy said that it didn't just stop on its own, that they ht the emergency stop button. Cuddy: [shares a look with Wilson] I'm sure he must be mistaken. [Wilson nods thoughtfully] [Back to House and Foreman] [House is fine-combing through her hair, Foreman's just panicking] House: Perinuem. Foreman: We checked it. If we get her upstairs-- House: Maxilla. Foreman: Checked. [checks her heart rate] Down to 38. We don't have a lot of time, we've got to-- House: Eyebrows, eardrums, pubic hair. Foreman: Checked, checked, checked. We checked everywhere. It's not-- [alarms start beeping, her heart rate has gone below 35] 35, we've got to get her to the ICU. House: We haven't found the tick yet. Foreman: We already kidnapped her, you want to add mrder!? We've looked over every inch of skin on her body, House. It's over. [he releases the emergency stop button] [House is still deep in thought. He turns Melinda on to her back and shakes her] House: Hey, is that the first time you had sex? [she faints] With all the other stuff going on down there she might not have realised... [he starts checking her vagina for the tick] Foreman: Oh! [The elevator dings, the doors open to the parents, Cuddy and Wilson who are now watching Foreman pumping the bag and House between Melinda's legs. It's not looking good. House looks up for a second, then looks back down. The father is enraged] Lewis: You sick, miserable-- [he rushes into the elevator, quickly followed by Wilson trying to stop him] Cuddy: What are you doing?! Barbara: Oh my god! Wilson: Wait! [The father pushes House back up against the back of the elevator, Wilson is trying to pull the guy away but House has something in his hand] House: See? I told you it'd be even more dramatic. [He's holding a tick... and its legs are still wriggling] [Everyone is silent and shocked and stares at House for a few seconds] House: Push norepiniphrine, get her heart back to normal. She'll be completely cured by tomorrow. [Barbara smiles] Cuddy: Foreman, let's get her into the ICU. [They wheel Melinda away followed by the parents. House hobbles out of the elevator, grabs his cane still on the bed, then lets them take her away to the ICU. He drops the tick into someone's cup and starts taking off his gloves as Wilson drops in beside him] House: Inamrinone was a stupid idea. Unless you wanted me to get that girl in the elevator. Wilson: Oh, I wouldn't do that. House: Wouldn't respect you if you did. [And suddenly as they're walking side-by-side down the corridor, House's cane breaks in half and he falls dramatically down on to the floor. Wilson walks on without blinking an eye. House lands on the floor, completely in shock. Wilson turns around to look, as does everybody else in the vicinity] Wilson: Wow. Looks like somebody filed halfway through your cane while you were sleeping. [Wilson walks away without even breaking a smile. House takes a moment before he suddenly smiles in amusement and grabs the two halves of his cane and sits up] (Scene cuts to Foreman testing Melinda the next day, she looks fine) Foreman: Reflexes back to normal. Heart's looking good too. I'll send in the nurse, we'll get you transferred out of ICU and you'll be discharged in the morning. Melinda: Thank god, I just want to get home. Barbara: And back to school on Monday. Melinda: I'm not ready. Barbara: You're ready. Melinda: I'm sick, mom. Barbara: You're not sick. You're going to go to class. And you're going to see your friends, and your boyfriend. [she kisses Melinda on the forehead. Foreman smiles] (Scene cuts to Wilson watching TV alone on House's couch at night, his leg up on the coffee table) [House arrives home. He puts his helmet on a chair and walks around to Wilson's side of the couch (instead of just walking in from the other side) where he taps Wilson's legs with his cane (which has been taped up where it broke). Wilson sits up and puts his legs down so that House can walk past to sit at the centre of the couch. They both put their legs back up on the coffee table, completely in sync - an absolutely CUTE scene - and continue to watch the TV. They have the following conversation without glancing at each other even once] Wilson: I called a divorce lawyer today. House: Does that mean you're leaving? Wilson: At some point. [big pause] You might not want to sit exactly there. [House suddenly realises what he might have done that he shouldn't be sitting there. He glances over at Wilson, then takes the pillow Wilson uses and puts that under his arse instead. The boys continue to watch the TV companionably]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x16 - Safe"}	foreverdreaming
(Scene opens on some kind of science museum with a model of a large heart that people can walk in to. There is a recorded voice talking about the heart as a group of young kids and their teacher walk pass) Voice: The human heart is a giant muscle, squeezing or contracting over 60 times each minute. That's 3000-- [fades out] Teacher: At this point, your blood is a deep purple because it's just finished dropping off oxygen for all the parts of your body. Come on, follow me. [The kids excitedly jump around looking at the lights projecting blood cells on to the walls. They finally stop at a largish chamber, a boy raises his hand] Ian. Ian: I have a question, and I need to go to the bathroom. Teacher: Which would you like to do first? Ian: The question. Teacher: Ok. Ian: Where's the bathroom? Teacher: [gives Ian a look] Who knows where the bathroom is? Mike: I do. Teacher: Go with Ian to the bathroom. Mike: I don't have to go. Teacher: We're not at school, nobody goes anywhere by themselves. Mike: Why? Teacher: Incase you get lost. Ian: Or incase somebody kidnaps us. Mike: If somebody kidnaps Ian, he'll kidnap me too. I want to stay with the class. Teacher: Michael, go with Ian-- [she gasps and clutches at her belly. She's heavily pregnant] Ian: Do you need help? Teacher: I need you to find a grownup. Ian: Is the baby coming? [teacher screams in pain] Who should I take with me? Teacher: You're fine. Go to the front desk or find a security guard. Ian: I really have to pee. [The teacher looks at Ian's white shoes, there's blood trickling down from his pants over his shoes and were pooling on the floor] Teacher: Oh god! Ian: Is the baby coming? I don't know how to do this. Teacher: Are you ok, Ian? Ian: Yeah, sure. [he kneels down next to her] Teacher: I don't think you are. [she sees some blood on his pants, dabs her fingers in it and shines her torch on her fingers to check that it's definitely bright red blood] You're bleeding. [Ian gets up and turns around, the whole back of his pants is saturated in blood] Teacher: Heeelp!! (Scene opens at the front of the hospital at night. There are red carpets going in and a sign saying "Oncology Benefit" with a black tie event picture basically painted on it as well. There's nice lively piano music playing as the camera goes on ahead to the hospital lobby which has become a little minibar. Camera zooms in to a table in the centre where Cuddy, Wilson and House are playing poker with a few other people. They are all dressed up VERY nicely) [House has an unlit cigar at his lips and he and Wilson exchange a look] Wilson: 20. Cuddy: Call. House: You'll call anything. Cuddy: My stack's bigger than your stack. [House checks his cards again] You in or out? House: You know that relative to their size, gorillas have smaller testicles than humans. Cuddy: Well then you'd probably have an edge over a gorilla, but not over me. House: Reason is, primate teste size inversely corresponds to the fidelity of our females. Wilson: Do you think there might be a better time to annoy me about my wife? House: I'm talking about poker. Wilson: Right. Cuddy: Women are evil, you're right to drive them away. Call fold or raise, storytime can wait! House: We're smaller and better than chimps, bigger and worse than gorillas. For all our rationality, our supposed trust and fealty to a higher power, our ability to create a system of rules and laws; our baser drives are more powerful than any of that. We want to control our emotions, but we can't. [Wilson looks tolerably annoyed] If we're happy, things don't annoy us. If on the other hand, we're sitting on crappy hold cards, little tiny things annoy us a whole lot more. [he puts the cigar back in his mouth and wags it up and down almost right in front of Wilson's face. Wilson seems to have a poker face on] I raise. Wilson: So are you going to tell me an annoying story everytime I raise? House: God that would be annoying. [Wilson angrily slams his cards down] Cuddy: I call. Dr Wells: Dr Cuddy, got one of your patients in the ER. Ian Alston, 6-yrs-old? Cuddy: Err, oh, I know him, what's the problem? [to House] I'm all in. [she shoves all her chips to the centre of the table] Dr Wells: Bloody diarrhoea. Haemodynamically sab but he's been developing some co-ordination problems. Cuddy: That sounds like gastroenteritis and dehydration. Order fluids and I'll take it on my service. Bet's to you, House. House: They scan his head? Dr Wells: No, why would they scan-- Cuddy: Don't play games. You gonna call? House: How's the heart rate? Dr Wells: sab. Cuddy: I'm sorry. House, it's gastroenteritis. I'm not going anywhere. [to Wells] Put the order in, and have someone tell Alan and Sarah that I'll be up when I'm done. [to House] You in or out? House: [after a pause] I'm out. [he gets up to leave] Cuddy: Oh! [she puts down her cards face up] Stone cold bluff! You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards, and a little less time staring at my breasts. House: They don't match either. I'm going to take some air. [Cuddy self-consciously looks down at her breasts. Wilson turns over House's cards that he left behind to reveal two Aces - a guaranteed win if he had stayed] (Scene cuts to House sweeping back the curtains in the ER to find Ian and his parents) [House seats himself on the bed in front of Ian who is behind held by his mother, House puts his finger on Ian's chin to steady his head then moves another finger left and right] House: Follow my finger with your eyes. [Ian's eyes seem to follow the finger just fine] Sarah: [the mother] How much longer will doctor Cuddy be? House: Given the number of mojitos she's knocking back at the party, I'd say it's going to be at least 3 hours before she's even conscious. Sarah: Weren't you at the same party? House: [pops a vicodin] I don't drink. I want you to reach out and grab my cane. [Ian's hand reaches out way to the right of the cane and grabs thin air. He gradually corrects himself and grabs on to the cane after a couple more tries] [It's worth pointing out at this point that House has a new cane made of dark wood - looks black, but the handle is encased in a silverish metal. Fandom has labelled it his pimp cane ;) ] Alan: [the father] What's wrong? House: Your son's brain is losing control of his muscles. Sarah: Dr Cuddy's message said it was just dehydration from diarrhoea. House: She's wrong. [he gets up to leave] Alan: Is he going to be all right? House: I don't know. (Scene cuts to House walking into his darkened office) [He takes out his keys and kneels down to open a locked drawer. He digs around and finds an old case file labelled "Doyle, Ester"] (Scene cuts to Chase all in black talking to an interested woman) Woman: So were you in one of those cages? Chase: No! No. No no no, those are for tourists. Woman: You were in the water with the Great White? Chase: Sure. It's no big deal, you just have to keep an eye on them. If they get too close, punch them in the nose, send them on their way. [the woman looks skeptical but shocked, Chase starts laughing] I had you going. Woman: You are mean. House: [suddenly interrupts] Hey! How's that a*l fissure? Did it heal yet or is it still draining? [looks at the woman] Oh, I'm sorry, didn't realise you'd come back for seconds. I figured that after the girl on the stairwell you'd be done for the night. Chase: He's joking. House: No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time. [he smiles and nods in amusement] Woman: [looks very uncomfortable] I'll er... see you later. [House winks at her as she leaves] House: Got a case. Chase: Well you could have just said that, you didn't have to screw with me. House: Yeah if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope. Get Foreman and Cameron and meet me upstairs, stat. (Scene cuts back to House writing on the whiteboard and taking a glance at his watch in the conference room) [The Ducklings walk in] Chase: What's so urgent? House: Two cases, same symptoms. What does 6-yr-olds and 70-yr-olds have in common? Cameron: Their immune systems don't work as well, could be lystiria. House: I already checked for that. Foreman: Leukaemia has a higher prevalence in both young and old. Cameron: So does asthma. House: No no no. Cameron: Could both be diabetes. [she and Foreman pick up the case files on the table] House: No! The nearly dad and the newly bred have more in common with each other than with people in the middle. What's weird is the kind of circle of life thing. Foreman: This kid doesn't have kidney failure. House: He will. Foreman: Based on this file, the kid just ate some bad food. Was the old man-- House: They were nowhere near each other in any of the four dimensions. Cameron: This case is 12 years old. House: Yep. Foreman: And this case is Cuddy's. House: She assigned it to me. Chase: She agrees with you that this is something more than gastroenteritis? House: She wouldn't have assigned it to me if she didn't, would she? [He turns around and sees Cameron for the first time at this point, in her chest-hugging fushcia evening dress, and he stares at her with a drawn out out "ohhhh". She looks a little self-conscious though she smiles a little before House purses his lips and blinks] House: What were we talking about? Chase: Two patients with two symptoms in common. And 5 symptoms not in common. House: While you were all wearing your 'Frankie says Relax' T-shirts, I was treating a 73-yr-old woman who went through this progression of symptoms, the last of which was... [he leans down and writes DEATH at the bottom of all her symptoms] Incase any of you missed that class in med school, that one's untreatable. Kid's got the first two. Took Esther an hour and 20 mins to go from two to three. And less than a day to make it all the way to the rear exit. Chase: This is all because a child has some blood in his diarrhoea. He's got a tummy ache, if there was any reason to think it was anything worse, Cuddy would be all over it. House: Great. Do a colonoscopy. Cameron: On a 6-yr-old kid who probably has nothing worse than some food poisoning? House: If you happen to find any purple papules, do me a favour and grab a slice. I want to check for Erdheim-Chester. Chase: A disease that there have been what, maybe 200 reported cases of, ever? House: If Esther's family had let me to an autopsy, there'd be 201. (Scene cuts to House and Foreman doing the colonoscopy on a sedated Ian) Foreman: See anything? Chase: No, and I don't expect to. Foreman: House usually avoids cases. If he's actually stealing a case from Cuddy, there's gotta be a reason. Chase: That's not the first time I've seen this file. About a month before Cameron was hired, some trucker came in here with these symptoms. House decided he was dying. Two days and a spinal tap, bone marrow extraction, and three colonoscopy's later, we send the guy home with a bunch of painkillers and a diagnosis of a bad cheese sandwich. One of the guys who worked here before me said House tried to cure Esther at least 3 other times. You know how people see the Virgin Mary in danishes and stuff? Someone died 12 years ago and House doesn't know why. House sees that case now in... paint peeling and clouds and now this poor kid. (Scene cuts to Cameron talking the parents) Cameron: Erdhem-Chester is an abnormal growth of some of the cells that fight infection. Sarah: Is that cancer? He seems ok now. Alan: Yeah the other doctor kind of scared us about that. Cameron: He shouldn't have. We're just testing, it'll probably be negative. Alan: I don't understand. You don't think that's what it is but you want to do this thing to him anyway? Cameron: We need to be sure. Sarah: Isn't there any other way? Cameron: It shouldn't take long. Alan: All right. (Scene cuts back to Foreman and Chase) Foreman: Those ridges look a lot like purple papules. Chase: They're not purple, they're red. Probably just blood blisters. Foreman: Give me the biopsy needle. (Scene cuts to the Ducklings in the lab testing the sample taken) Chase: How long is this going to take? Cameron: Forget it Chase, your punching the shark story is good but she's not waiting for you. [Foreman laughs] House: [walks in] So? Foreman: We couldn't confirm the source of the bleeding but we did biopsy some-- Chase: Blood blisters. House: You mean papules. Come on Cameron, who's right? [she's looking into the microscope] Cameron: Chase is. Negative for Erdheim-Chester. House: Let me see. [he checks] If it's not Erdheim-Chester... Chase: It's exactly what we said before, garden variety viral gastroenteritis, can we go back to the party? House: [taking off his bowtie] Do a kidney biopsy. Esther's shut down in exactly-- [he checks his watch] Chase: This kid is not Esther. You screwed up, she died, I'm sorry but that does not mean this kid is dying as well. House: Geez. You get testy when you don't get any fuzz. Come on. (Scene cuts to Chase and House walking into Ian's room) Sarah: What'd the test say? Chase: Colonoscopy was clean. And the biopsy was negative for Erdheim-Chester. Alan: So Ian's going to be all right? It was just some sort of virus? [House picks up the little bag that contains Ian's urine, Chase looks concerned] Sarah: What's that? House: Urine. Alan: But it's brown. Chase: Ian's kidneys are shutting down. House: Still think it's not the same case? (Scene cuts to House and the Ducklings in the conference room) House: So, what can cause bloody diarrhoea, ataxia and kidney failure? Chase: I'll go and do a biopsy. House: Forget it. That battle's over. His rising creatinine is his kidney's way of saying go on without me. What explains everything? Chase: E. coli H0157 causes bloody diarrhoea, and leads to hemolytic uremic syndrome. Toxins from the bacteria causes his kidneys to shut down, we should start him on plasmapheresis. House: Clear, concise, and completely plausible. And exactly what I did last time, didn't work. What else? Cameron: Goodpasture's syndrome. Circulating antibodies cause kidney failure and bleeding. House: But not the purple papules. Foreman: If you throw in Esther's next symptom - brain, makes me think heavy metal toxicity. Cameron: His hematocrit would have to be low, it's at 44 and Esther's never dropped below... House: 42. Foreman: You have the file memorised? House: It's my lucky number. Cameron: What about lymphoma? Causes kidney failure, GI bleed and can infiltrate the base of the brain. Foreman: You check Esther for that? House: She never showed any signs of... if he has lymphoma this far advanced, we should be able to see it in his blood and brain. Chase, run a blood smear and immuno-chemistries. Foreman get an MRI. Cameron: I'll page Cuddy. House: No you won't. Cameron: She thinks the kid has a stomach ache. House: She'll come right up here and do one of two things - if she agrees with me, I don't need her, if she disagrees I don't want her. Foreman: You can't handle people disagreeing with you? She might have a different take on this. House: Subordinates can disagree with me all they want, it's healthy. People who can shut me down on the other hand... forget Cuddy, I'll have Wilson keep her busy. (Scene cuts to House calling Wilson's mobile at the poker table) [Wilson picks up his phone] House: [puts his phone on to speakerphone] Keep your answers short and discrete. Is Cuddy still playing? Wilson: The chicken is still in Picadilly Square. House: Brilliant. She'll never suspect that Normandy is her target. Cuddy: Is that House? Tell him that the blinds just went to 20-40 and he's running out of chips. House: How's she doing? Wilson: Well what's going on? The way you took off, something's obviously-- House: Love to chat but got a game to play. How's she doing? Wilson: The patient is on life support, we're about to pull the plug. Cuddy: Are you talking about me? House: And what have you got? Wilson: Hmm... does sound like high dose cardio meds. House: [while on the phone, performs a trick to make a chip disappear, what a magician he is] Two hearts. You got the flush? Wilson: Still waiting on the final labs. House: She drinking her seltzer? Wilson: No, hydration is not a problem. House: Means she's bluffing. Push her all in. [Wilson does so] Cuddy: Call. [flips her cards] Two pair. Show me your hearts. Wilson: [flips his cards but only ends up having one pair] Seven of clubs. [Cuddy cackles] House: Oh dear, sounds like I messed up. You're going to be stuck with her for a while. Talk to you soon. [puts down the phone] Cuddy: Ohoho! Yes! [sweeps all the chips she's won in] (Scene cuts to Foreman doing the MRI on Ian, Cameron is outside talking to the parents) Sarah: Why are you taking a picture of his head? Cameron: We're looking for lymphoma but-- Sarah: Wait, so it's not Erdheim something and it's not his kidneys but his kidneys are failing? Where's Dr Cuddy? Alan: Erm Dr House mentioned another case, is there another patient with the same thing that Ian has? Cameron: Not exactly. Alan: What does that mean? Cameron: Dr House had a patient a while back who exhibited the same symptoms as your son-- Sarah: Then you know what's wrong? Cameron: No. Sarah: So what do you know? Cameron: We know the likely course the disease will take. Alan: Which is? Cameron: She had multiple system failures-- Sarah: What happened to her? Cameron: She... died 24 hours after her admission. [the parents take a moment to absorb this in shock] Foreman: Mr or Mrs Alston, would you mind giving me a hand? He's having trouble sitting still and it's impossible to get the detail we need. So I figure he might feel more comfortable hearing your voices. [he turns on the mic] Sarah: Ian honey, just sit still, they'll be done in a moment, we're here with you. Ian: I'm scared. Sarah: It's ok, honey. It's... it's only a big camera. It's going to take a picture of your head. You love it when I take your picture at home, don't you? Ian: Yeah. Sarah: And you have to hold still for that too, right? Ian: But this isn't like that. Sarah: I know it's scary, Ian, but you can do it. You're getting to be so grown up. So just hold perfectly still, just for a little bit. Ian: Mommy are you crying? Sarah: No, no honey, I'm just tired. Ian: Okay, I'll try. [Sarah turns off the mic and starts crying silently as she holds on to her husband. The MRI starts] (Scene cuts to House in the conference room) [He checks the empty coffee pot. The coffee machine says "Good Coffee, Cheaper than prozac!" on it. He also checks the packet of coffee beans which is empty too. He crumples it up and throws it as Foreman and Cameron enter] Cameron: The base of his brain's been infiltrated by a small mass. We think-- House: Pituitary? Cameron: Looks that way. Foreman: Explains the low blood pressure. House: [walks to the board and starts writing, Chase enters] Pretty much confirms the lymphoma. Should have started Esther on prednisone. Chase: Err... did anyone see the lymphoma? Cameron: No, we saw a mass. The location's consistent with-- Chase: Didn't see any in the blood either. White blood cells show no spindling, or abnormal nuclei, nothing on immuno-chemistries either. It's not lymphoma. House: [hopes sht down again, he takes his cane and wanders out of the room with the Ducklings in tow] [He gets to the centre where one can get a drink, but there's a metal gate closed by a lock in front of it. House uses the metal handle of his cane to whack away at the lock in the hopes of springing it. The Ducklings obviously think he's gone nuts] Foreman: House! House: It's a train. We don't know what kind of train-- Foreman: Woah [grabs House's cane] House: I'm thirsty. Foreman: It's closed! House: [yanks his cane back and starts whacking the lock again until it does open and the gate rolls up out of the way] It's not now. We've got one advantage. We know where the tracks are going. Chase: The fact that the end of the line is death... is an advantage? House: The fact that we know is an advantage. [he turns on the coffee machine and gets himself a cup] Which means we can get ahead of it. Next station is the liver. We've got about 90 minutes before it gets there. Maybe we can cut down a tree across the line just outside of town. Chase: I'll do an ultrasound. House: No, treatment will tell us more faster. Cameron: How can we start treatment if we have no idea what we're treating for? House: [angrily knocks back some stuff on the counter with a crash] Treat him for everything! Give him acetylcysteine and interferon and silymarine and whatever else you can think of to protect the liver. (Scene cuts to Wilson's phone ringing again, he picks up) Wilson: What's going on? House: Oh just catching up on some TV. How're you doing? Wilson: Well thanks to your last consult, the patient has improved dramatically. Cuddy: Tell House the patient is about to kll the doctor. Wilson: She says the patient-- House: I heard. What've you got? Wilson: Well Cuddy just raised and err... House: You're paired. Wilson: What? House: Nines? Wilson: [momentary shock, he looks around to check whether House is standing behind him or something] How do you know? House: Anything lower, you wouldn't sound so excited. Jacks are higher, your voice sounds like Debbie from accounting is sitting in your lap. Ask Cuddy if she can bat a pair of threes. Wilson: Wait, wha... what's going on? If you're going to mess with me, wouldn't it be more fun to do it in person? House: Yes, it would. Wilson: [to Cuddy] Erm... can you bat a pair of threes? [Cuddy gives a scornful look and starts drinking her seltzer from two stars at the same time] House: What did she do? Wilson: I left orders for PO fluids, doctor. House: Enough with the codes, she obviously knows it's me. Wilson: She's drinking her seltzer. [Cuddy looks surprised and stops] House: Did she stop? Wilson: Yes. House: Go all in. Wilson: Umm... but... House: Just do it. Wilson: You couldn't care less about this charity event, you claim not to be messing with me, obviously you're either trying to keep me-- House: Shut up! Look, last time I wanted the game to go on. I still do. Means that this time you get to win. Wilson: Hold on. [he shoves his meagre bunch of chips forwards. Cuddy looks wary, Wilson gazes at her challengingly] Cuddy: I fold. Wilson: [picks up the phone again] Ohohoho! [House is staring at the whiteboard] House, are you sure you're ok? [House puts down the phone on Wilson suddenly] (Scene cuts to Foreman and Chase giving treatment to Ian, House stands outside the room observing. Chase walks out to talk to him) Chase: Meds seem to be working. Liver's holding its own. House: Good. Chase: But the platelets are dropping. House: Even better. Chase: Why? It means he's getting sicker. House: It's new. New is good. Because old ended in death. [Meanwhile in the room...] Ian: I can't breathe. [he starts choking, alarms start beeping] Foreman: Chase! [Chase rushes back in] Sarah: What? What's happening? Ian come on now, honey, just relax! Ian, breathe, come on honey! Please! Please, honey! [They proceed to intubate him] (Scene shifts back to the conference room) [House is writing "Resp. distress" on the board under Ian's column. On Esther's corresponding side, it says "Resp. failure". He also draws an arrow pointing from Pituitary fail. down to Resp. distress. The arrow noticeably shows how Ian skipped Esther's Liver fail. and Splenic Intact to get to the respiratory problems. House morosely uses his cane to shove the whiteboard down on to the floor, breaking the lamp behind it in the process. He simple stares at what he's done] (Scene changes to House and the Ducklings in the conference room) [Chase helps House to put the whiteboard back up again] Foreman: We had to put him on a ventilator. House: He's back on Esther's path. We managed to make the train skip a few stations which means that instead of 12 hours, he's probably got less than two. Which begs the question why. What did we do? Chase: Acetylcysteine could mess with the lungs. House: Mess with them, not shut them down in 20 minutes. Cameron: Interferon modulates the immune system. It could affect a cancer of the blood like one of the leukaemias. Foreman: Doesn't speed them up it slows them down. Cameron: Slows down all five hundred of them? [Foreman concedes her point] House: Anybody know where we can find an oncologist at this hour? (Scene cuts to House on the phone with Wilson again) House: What effects would interferon have on leukaemia? Wilson: Depends on what type. Could make it better, could make it worse. House: 4 year fellowships learn that. Cuddy: Tell House if he wants to play cards he can get his ass back down here and play. House: You hear that? She wants me off the phone, means she's vulnerable. Go all in. Wilson: But um... the party's over in less than 3 hours. Cuddy: It's over in less than 2 hours. Which means you either have 3 of a kind or just 3's. I'm guessing 3's. I bet five hundred. House: Go all in. Wilson: You obviously want to bust me . Why would you-- House: Either you go all in or I tell everybody in the building that you wear toenail polish. Wilson: I'm all in. [he shoves his pile of chips into the centre] Cuddy: I'll... call. I'm betting you have a pair of threes, but even if you have three, it's not going to bat Trip nines. Wilson: [fakes a rather anguished face before turning over one card, and then the other rather enthusiastically] Oh, oh, oh no, oh no! Ohhhh that's gotta hurt. [The glee on Cuddy's face turns to horror] House: What happened? Wilson: I just klled two birds with one straight. Goodbye. House: Fine, keep playing, but I need you to recommend a good Oncologist because if I don't get one up here in the next few minutes, I got a dad 6-yr-old. [Wilson puts down the phone] (Next scene, Wilson's in the labs with House and the Ducklings looking in the microscope) Wilson: If you need help, ask. These games are insane. House: Games have a higher success rate. Wilson: Well, I don't see anything that looks like leukaemia. You do a bone marrow biopsy? House: No time. Wilson: Even if there is an occult blood cancer, you wouldn't expect interferon to make it worse. And certainly not this fast. House: What would move this fast? Cameron: Auto-immune diseases. His body's own defenses are attacking him and beefing them up is just going to put fuel on the fre. Foreman: Sarcoidosis could be in his brain and lungs. Cameron: No, no enlarged hilar lymph nodes on his chest x-ray. Chase: The systemic nature suggests juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. Wilson: Or Kawasaki's disease. Foreman: Can't be Kawasaki's. That doesn't affect the elderly. Wilson: Err the... this is a kid's x-ray. Cameron: House had another patient. Wilson: Who may or may not have had Kawasaki's. This kid on the other hand, he makes antibodies that are eating the inside of his arteries, choking off blood to his major organs one by one. First the GI tract, then the kidneys, then the brain, now the lungs. House: Can anyone think of a reason why Kawasaki's can't affect the elderly? Other than it doesn't. [no reply] Nice. Foreman: We can confirm with bloodwork. We need an ANA, sed rate-- Cameron: Labs will take 2 hours. Chase: What was the old lady's sed rate? House: Elevated. 98. Wilson: You can't use another patient's labs to diagnose Kawasaki's disease! House: Is that like a dare or something? Wilson: You don't have time to be wrong. House: Fine. We'll look for Kawasaki where he lives, Ian's coronary arteries. [Exit Ducklings] Wilson: This other patient... the old lady... Esther? [House nods, Wilson has a "not again" look on his face, they both walk out into the corridors] Wilson: Have you read Moby Dick? House: It was a book? Wilson: It was 10 years ago. House: 12. Wilson: Obsession is dangerous. House: Only if you're on a wooden ship and your obsession is a whale. I think I'm in the clear. Wilson: You do realise it's a metaphor? House: You do realise that the point of metaphors is to scare people from doing things by telling them that something much scarier is going to happen than what will really happen? God I wish I had a metaphor to explain that better. Go back to the game. Don't worry, I'm not going to get eaten by witches. [he gets into the elevator and leaves Wilson standing alone] (Cut to Chase and Cameron checking Ian's heart with an ultrasound) Chase: Coronary arteries clear. No aneurysms. Cameron: Flip the mode, let's see the flow. (Cut to Foreman talking to the mother) Sarah: How did that other woman die? Foreman: She went into respiratory distress. Her heart and liver were already-- Sarah: No. Did she suffer? Was she in pain? Foreman: I don't know. (Cut back to Chase and Cameron) Chase: No blood clots, no ragged edges. Cameron: Damn. Shut it down, we're just wasting time. [Chase flips it back to see the heart and he stares at something curiously] Chase: Look at the right atrium. Cameron: That's not Kawasaki's. Chase: No. (Cut to Ducklings and House looking at the computer in House's office) Chase: It's small, but it's there. Foreman: Esther didn't have a mass in her heart. House: Ian's younger. He can take more of a pounding. Esther died before the disease reached her heart. The disease made a mass and made it fast. Cameron: Could be bacteria. Foreman: Or muscle. Chase: Connective tissue? House: Kid can't take any more theories. Only thing we know is that whatever that mass is, that's what he's got. We need a piece of it. I'm doing a biopsy. (Cut to House and Chase in Ian's room trying to do a heart biopsy, the blinds are open and the parents are watching from outside) Chase: I'll shut the blinds. House: No let them watch, I do my best work on the big stage. Passing through the superior vena cava. Chase: You're in the atrium. Pull back. You've ht the wall of the heart. House: These procedures would be so much simpler if you could do them on healthy people. And out again. [as he's pulling the biopsy needle out, alarms start beeping] V fib! Chase: Cardiac arrest! Call a code. House: [takes off Ian's robe] Come on, paddles! Come on. Nurse: Charged. House: Clear! [he shocks Ian, no effect] [outside in the nurse's station] Over the announcement system: Code blue, Iso room. Code blue, Iso room. [nurses run to the alert] [Meanwhile back in Ian's room] House: And again. [shocks Ian, Chase checks for a pulse] Chase: Nothing. House: Again. [shock, check for pulse] [Time passes as the nurses and the two doctors scurry to restart Ian's heart] House: You got a clock on this? Chase: How much longer are you going to keep doing this? House: Clear. [shock, check for pulse] Chase: Wait! I've got something. House: He's back. [he starts to finish taking out the biopsy needle which is still stuck where it was before Ian went into cardiac arrest] Chase: What are you doing? House: Doing what we came here to do. Chase: It almost klled him. House: I know, I was right here. Give me a vacutainer. Chase: His brain's been oxygen-deprived for over 8 minutes. There might be nothing left, he might-- House: Tell the parents. Where the hell is that vacutainer? [a nurse hands him one] (Scene cuts to House and Ducklings in the conference room) House: So, what's he got? Foreman: Brain damage. House: Good chance. I was talking about before that. Cameron: You're not worried about-- House: Things I can't do anything about, I try not to. Foreman: Huh, yeah, things just roll off you like water off a duck. Chase: Histiocytosis. Foreman: Very unlikely in a 73-yr-old. House: Whatever this is is very unlikely. Come on, more ideas, let's go people. Cameron: Genetic disorders could cause masses everywhere. Tuberous sclerosis. Foreman: If it's genetic he's had it all his life, why now? House: I don't know, it sure fits nice enough. Chase: We haven't ruled out leukaemia yet. Cameron: Or sarcoma. He could have multiple soft tissue tumours. Foreman: Or sarcoidosis. Cameron: Multiple neurofibromatosis. Foreman: Chondrocytomas. [Cuddy enters] House: How's it going? You win? Cuddy: I got called away. By the angry parents of a patient. There are THREE of you here, none of you had the sense to stop him, to pick up a phone and call me. House: I told them you'd signed off. The parents are mad because their kid is dying, that's understandable. But if he doesn't die, they won't be mad anymore. Cuddy: Well if he's brain-damaged, they might still be a little ticked. House: I had to do it to save him. Cuddy: You had to do it to diagnose Esther. You may have klled a 6-yr-old because you're obsessed with a woman who's been dad for 12 years. Sometimes you lose, House. You're not God! House: He's not dad yet. Cuddy: No, but you're done with him, it's my case now. Go home, go ride your motorcycle, go brood in a dark room, just don't go near Ian again. [she storms off] House: So, anything else or is it just these seven? Foreman: Drop it House, she's right. House: No she's not. You know she's not. Chase: We should have called her. House: I'm surprised you didn't. Cameron: You're going to have to find a way to let this go. We can't go near Ian. House: We don't need to go near him, we have his tumour. Cuddy may be right that we screwed up the protocol, she may be right about my screwed up obsession, but I'm right about the medicine. [he takes the tumour slice out of the fridge in a container and puts it in front of Cameron] How many tests can we do with that? [Cameron sighs] Look, we cure the kid we solve everybody's problems. How many? Cameron: Maybe two good pieces. House: How many okay pieces? Cameron: Three would be pushing it. House: [turns around to look back at the whiteboard] Three tests, seven choices. Okay, what's first? Chase: Sarcoidosis seems most likely. House: Yeah, so likely that Cuddy's going to think of that all on her own. She's got the kid's whole body to play with. Let her do that test. What's next? Foreman: It's moving too fast to be spreading. It has to be growing from something that's already-- Cameron: Genetic disorder - tuberous sclerosis. Chase: Or it's his immune system, histiocytosis. House: Well there are more documented cases of histio amongst older people than tuberous sclerosis, let's start with that. [he circles it on the board, Ducklings exit] (Cut to Ducklings in the labs, Chase is about to cut a piece of the tumour) Chase: Wing or drumstick? Foreman: Going to need a little more than that. Cameron: A little more is more than a third. Foreman: If we have to repeat this test because you didn't cut us enough... [Chase carefully cuts off a third, puts it on a slice and puts it under the microscope] Chase: Adding one micro litre of the immunoperoxidase. Foreman: Make it two. I don't want House biting off our heads because we weren't sure if it turned red or not. Cameron: [looks into the microscope] That's definitely not red. (Cut back to the conference room) Chase: The problem could still be an abnormal cell growth but a different cell line. Foreman: Sarcoma? Muscle cells throughout his body? Would explain the geography. Cameron: Genetic disorder's far more likely in a 6-yr-old. Tuberous sclerosis. Chase: Pretty unlikely to cause a GI bleed. Foreman: Time course fits. House: Mr Foreman, you agree with both of them? Thanks for playing. Foreman: If we have enough tissue for two tests, why not do both? House: Then we don't have to think as hard. Taking the pressure off the choice makes us less likely to think critically. Foreman: Sarcoma is more likely to ht a 6 and 70 yr old. House: Tuberous sclerosis it is. Foreman: You think sarcoma's less likely? House: It's more likely, the test for it on the other hand, is less reliable. (Scene cuts back to Ducklings doing the test) [The results come in one at a time] Cameron: Nestin's negative. Foreman: Oh that's ok, if the tumour cells haven't matured, the KR67 protein wouldn't have turned off. What happens if we don't solve this? Cameron: Kid dies. Foreman: I mean for the next 12 years. Chase: KR67's negative. And PCH antigen is negative. (Cut back to the conference room) [House is shaking his bottle of vicodin] House: Mighty Casey is down to his last strike. Foreman: Mighty Casey struck out. House: Thanks a lot, didn't read that this weekend. [pops a vicodin] Cameron: Chondrocytoma. Connective tissue has been in all the places that we've been looking. Foreman: The kid is too sick for that, we're better off testing for sarcoma. Cameron: We would have seen signs of that when we tested for tuberous sclerosis. Foreman: The tumour cells looked like muscle under the microscope. Cameron: No, they didn't. They looked like fat. Chase: I vote for neurofibromatosis. House: Why? Chase: Because the other choices suck worse. [House takes his pimp cane and walks out] House: Give me a minute. (Scene cuts to House sitting on Ian's bedside and simply watching him) [Cuddy enters] House: You want me out of here? Cuddy: You come up with anything? House: No. [he walks out] (Scene cuts to House morosely staring out at the sunrise from his balcony) [Wilson joins him on the balcony] Wilson: Hey. House: We can talk about it tomorrow. Wilson: [he starts walking back to his office, then turns around again to address House] I erm... I won the poker tournament. [House is immediately interested] I totally played this guy Burman from Business Affairs. I got great cards, but I don't bet. Just call, no raises. Burman pairs his king on the flop, I keep calling, the river turns, I check. He can't stand it. He goes all in, he's sure he's won. [Wilson dramatically makes hand gestures about flipping the cards] I call. I flip 'em. Oh! [he looks victorious] House: Pocket aces. Wilson: I nailed his ass! House: [smiles indulgently, then suddenly realises something] The aces were hiding all along. (Cut to House walking in on the Ducklings at the drink station) House: Test him for Erdheim-Chester disease. Foreman: Erdheim-Chester? That's not even on the list! Chase: Because we already did it. He tested negative. Cameron: So did Esther. House: Disease lied. Cameron: Yeah, the tumour's got it in for you. Diseases don't lie. House: Fine, it didn't lie, it slow played us. We biopsied the colon, it hadn't reached the GI tract yet. It's there now. It's in his liver, his lungs-- Chase: You want it to be there. Because then you didn't screw up 12 years ago. Foreman: We can't waste our one test on the one disease we know it's not. House: Run the test. [The ducklings look disappointed but do it anyway] (Cut to House and Ducklings in the labs) [Chase puts the last piece of the tumour on to the glass] Chase: You sure about this? House: Wait, let me think about that. Don't pressure me. Just run the damn test. [Cameron puts on her glasses and looks into the microscope] Cameron: Cells look macrophages. House: That's a good start. [They add the reagent on to the tumour] House: [walks away and stares at the wall] Take your time and say it loud. [Under the microscope, the tumour turns red] Foreman: CD 68 positive [he smiles] [House lets out his emotions by banging his hand hard against the wall. The Ducklings are startled and jump. House collapses on to a chair and the Ducklings look at him warily] House: Start the treatment. [Ducklings exit] (Music montage starts - House is playing the piano to the song "Hymn to Freedom". Scenes of Ian's treatment going well, of Cuddy extubating him, of House playing the piano and the parents looking happy flip by) [Wilson walks through the lobby. He has taken off his bowtie and like House, now just has his coat on top of his white shirt. The boys spot each other and smile and House stops playing the piano. As things from the lobby from the party the night before are being cleared out, House and Wilson are seated at the same old poker table, just the two of them, playing poker. House starts to deal the cards after he lights up his old cigar] Wilson: So Esther can rest peaceful now huh? House: Yeah. Wilson: [peeks at his cards] Forty. [they are betting with real money this time] You got lucky. You going to call? House: What I do, is not just based on the flip of a card. Wilson: You guessed. You got lucky. House: It fit. Wilson: It could just as easily have been sarcoma or tuberous sclerosis. House: No, not just as easily. Wilson: Maybe not. But it wasn't impossible. Are you going to call? House: [the piano music starts up again in the background, House smokes his cigar] You know, relative to it's size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal. [said with a poker face] [Wilson tries to keep a straight face but bursts out laughing, House follows suit. The camera pans out on the boys as they continue playing their game and happily joking and laughing with each other (and I mean really nice free laughter from House, pretty much like the end scene in 1.05 Damned If You Do) proving once again that House doesn't really laugh unless he's with Wilson ;)]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x17 - All in"}	foreverdreaming
[Episode opens with sound of dripping tap. Camera pans in on the exceedingly vexed face of the Patient of the Week, Hannah. Camera pans up to reveal culprit dripping tap into sink. Camera whooshes out of kitchen, pans up the stairs of the house, moving all the way back into the teenager's bedroom. Sound of dripping tap magnifies.] [Dramatic flash as the camera zooms back in on the vexed face of the teenager, and then there is a rapid transition of time on the clock beside the bed to signify the passing of many hours. Hannah is awake this entire time, and the camera focuses on her at short intervals, continuing to show her frustration at being awake.] [Hannah sits up in bed, and all the noises in the house and the nearby area outside seem to magnify, intensifying her frustration. The dripping tap noise becomes faster, as does the hissing noise of the radiator, the ticking clock downstairs, and the noise of a passing car is heard outside, magnified greatly.] Max: Hannah, you OK? Hannah: [quietly panting] Max: Still can't sleep? Hannah: [very slightly shakes her head] I'm fine. Max: [sighs] Can I do anything to help you? Hannah: Just go back to sleep, I'm going to go get a glass of wine. Max: I can keep you company. Hannah: You have work in the morning. Max: Are you sure? You don't want me to? Hannah: I'll be right back. Just sleep. [Hannah stands, exits the bedroom. The camera flicks in a mild psychotic fashion.] [Camera focuses on the alarm clock, now showing that it is 8:00AM. Max wakens from sleep, discovers that Hannah is not beside her in bed. Max sits up and then walks down the stairs to investigate.] Max: Hannah? [Pauses, reaches the bottom of the stairs, sees Hannah on the floor in the room adjacent to the one she moves into] Hannah? [Max moves over to Hannah. Camera pans in on Hannah to reveal that she is slowly and repeatedly thumping her head against the wall. Max rushes over to her, crouches down in front of her. Max raises Hannah's chin up to inspect her. Notices empty pill bottle on the floor nearby, which camera quickly pans in to reveal the empty pill's label, "Sleeping Capsules". Max quickly picks up the bottle.] Max: [desperate tone] What did you do? Hannah: I just wanted to sleep. Max: I'm calling an ambulance... Hannah: [slowly tilts her face towards the camera, revealing blood on the wall, and a trickle of blood which is running down her left cheek.] [Black out.] [Cue to House MD Opening Sequence with Theme Song "Teardrop" by Massive attck] [Camera pans up in an aerial sht on House, to reveal that he is lying on an examination table in exam room one, a medical journal covering his face. He is fast asleep and snoring. Sound of the door opening. Then a 'click' as the light switch is turned on.] Cuddy: [stands in the doorway for a brief moment, then loudly shuts the door.] House: [jumps, startled from sleep, takes the Medical Journal off his face.] Cuddy: You've seen one patient in the last two hours. House: Complicated case. I'm a night owl - Wilson's an early bird. We're different species. Cuddy: Move him into his own cage. House: Who'll clean the droppings from mine? [Rolls over, turning his back to her] Cuddy: [walks to the other side of the examination bed, hands him the file] Twenty-five year old female with sleep issues. House: I'm guessing she's... what's the medical term? Upset. These 25-year-old females are usually completely rational. They're rocks. Really. [glances at the file momentarily] Eh... my theory seems to be supported by the fact that she swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. Get her a shrink. And I need some shut-eye. Cuddy: She's a little bit more than upset. She hasn't slept in ten days. House: She's lying. Without REM sleep, your neurons stop regenerating - the brains shut down lobe by lobe. She'd be insane after five days - dad by ten. Cuddy: Give me a little credit, I know what gets you off. She took the pills to sleep, not to kll herself. House: Clever alibi. Cuddy: They didn't work. She stayed awake, even though she downed the whole bottle. House: [seems intrigued, takes the file from Cuddy] Cuddy: And the longest anyone has ever survived without sleep is eleven days. Which gives you about 22 hours. [exits] House: [sits up properly and reads the file] [Cue to House's office area.] Cameron: [slaps a medical journal down on the table] You stole my article. Foreman: I wouldn't do that. Chase: [gives Foreman a wary glance] Cameron: I wrote up the case where we induced hypothermic cardiac arrest in the terminal cancer girl. Foreman: I wrote my own, I didn't steal yours. Cameron: You knew I was writing one, you gave me notes! House: Got a case. It can wait, you two finish. [To Chase] Five bucks says someone loses an eye. Cameron: [snatches the file from House and begins reading through it] House: Fine. You're only putting off the inevitable. Twenty five year old female, hasn't slept for ten days. Cameron: I assume the ER tried giving her some sedatives, we should up the dosage. Foreman: Sedation isn't the same as sleep. Cameron: Thanks for your insight. For someone who hasn't slept in ten days, sedation is a great start. Foreman: Sleep is an active process. Reboots the system, restores the brain, sedatives don't--- Cameron: [interrupts him] The brain is being stressed, we need to relieve that. [To House] You've had my article on your desk for the last four months! House: I'm a very slow reader. No fever, no white count, means no infection. Chase: Schizophrenia? House: No delusions. Cameron: You read his! House: I signed it, I didn't read it. [pauses] Aside from the sleeping pills, tox-screen was clean. No cocaine, meth, amphetamines, or diet pills. Chase: Any medications she'd had recently are steroids for poison ivy, and ibuprofen for a knee she hurt skiing. Cameron: Nothing that would cause sleep disturbances. When did you get his article? House: Ahh.. about three weeks ago. Let's go back to the beginning. Chase: How far back? House: Genesis. God said, let there be light. Foreman: Sleep is initially controlled by external light cues. Chase: And if her brain can't interpret those cues.. Cameron: Optic-nerve disease. House: I'm sensing another article. Cameron: I'll go run the tests. [Cue to examination area. Patient is seated on one side of the eye examination equipment, Cameron on the other.] Cameron: I'm injecting a dye which will allow us to look at your retina and your optic nerve. Hannah: Everything's kinda blurry. Cameron: Normal because of the dye. It's going to be that way the next few hours. [Foreman opens the door, enters] Foreman: Need a hand? Cameron: No. Foreman: [amused sigh] We're never going to work together again? Cameron: I just don't see the need to make you feel better by forgiving you. Foreman: [sighs] I wasn't asking for forgiveness, I was asking if you needed help. Cameron: It's unprofessional to be talking about this in front of a patient. Maybe that doesn't matter to you, but... Foreman: It doesn't matter. She's not listening. Cameron: [glances at Hannah] She's asleep. Foreman: Normal stage one brain waves. Cameron: You mean she's... better? Hannah: [opens her eyes again] It's still blurry. Foreman: You.. fell asleep. Hannah: No I didn't. [Both Cameron and Foreman look rather stunned] [Cue to hospital cafeteria area.] House: [takes some vicodin out the pill bottle he had in his pocket and places it inside of a folded napkin] Foreman: Negative for optic nerve disease. House: But she sleeps. Foreman: For like 10 seconds. Maximum, one minute. We also checked the ocular pressure. It's normal. House: [begins loudly crushing the vicodin folded inside of the napkin with the back handle of his cane] And she doesn't know she sleeps. Foreman: The brain is often unaware of stage one sleep. CT showed no tumors, no clots, no seizure disorders. House: [unfolds the napkin and sprinkles the crushed vicodin over his food] So.. she sleeps, she just can't stay asleep. Foreman: You... going somewhere with this? House: You know what keeps me awake at night? Monsters in the closet. Foreman: [laughs] There's no monster in the closet, we looked. House: Well, it's certainly not showing up on the scans. [pauses] Where's Cameron? Foreman: She felt I could deliver the news on my own. House: Oh, this is going to work out great. Foreman: [silently smirks] House: [wipes his hands off on the napkin] Come on. [House and Foreman exit the cafeteria area] [Cut to Princeton Plainsboro Hospital hallways] House: If you two guys can't play nice together, I'm taking away your toys. I don't care whose fault this is. Cameron: If YOU hadn't--- House: [interrupts her] I especially don't care if it's my fault. [pauses] Whatever this woman has, it's not showing up on our tests, which means she's sick... just not sick enough for us to see it. Chase: [amused] You want us to make her sicker? House: Yes. I want to stress her body. Specifically her brain. Keep her awake. Cameron: But probably even with the few minutes of sleep she does have, its trture. House: So is cutting people with knives. But you can totally get away with that if you have a doctor coat on. Foreman: House, those few seconds of sleep are maybe the only reason she's still alive. House: The more symptoms we can force out of her, the more tests we can do, the more tests we do, the more information we get, the quicker we make a diagnosis. [pauses] See how much more fun it is when you guys get along? [points to Cameron and Foreman] You two, take the first four hours. [House exits into his office. Cameron, Chase, and Foreman walk in the opposite direction down the hall] [Cut to Hannah's patient room] Hannah: [is lying in her bed, her head leaning forward] Foreman: Hannah? [silence] Foreman: [louder] Hannah. Hannah: [jolts awake] Foreman: You fell asleep. Hannah: No I didn't. Cameron: Your brain doesn't remember, it was just a few seconds. Max: Is this really necessary? Foreman: The sooner we find out what's wrong, the sooner she can get a real night's rest. Cameron: Hannah? [pauses, lightly shakes her] Hannah? Hannah. Foreman: [rolls his eyes, sighs, moves over, pokes Hannah's thumb with a needle] Hannah: [jolts awake once more, wincing in pain] Ow... what did you do that for? Foreman: You fell asleep again. Hannah: No I didn't. Cameron: We're sorry. Foreman: We have to do this. Cameron: [moves him away from the patient, then speaks in a lower voice] You don't have to be cruel. Foreman: [amused sigh] You know what happens when you're nice. Nothing. Cameron: That's how you define nice? Not stealing? Max: [desperately] Doctors? Hannah: [has her head relaxed and forward once again] Foreman: She fall asleep again? Max: [points to the area of the bed] [Foreman and Cameron become intrigued. Camera is cued to the lower bed, where there is a large patch of blood on the sheets. The sheet is raised to reveal more bloodstain on the bed, coming from the underside area of Hannah's lower half] [Scene change to House's office. Area is completely dark, the lights are all off. House is seated at his desk, leaning back in his chair, his feet up on his table. He is asleep and snoring.] [Sound of footsteps moving up the hallway. Cameron pushes the glass door open, turns on the lights. House wakes up, wincing at the light.] Cameron: We've got rectal bleeding. House: What, all of you? [moves his feet off the table and sits in his chair properly] So the monster is peeking out from under the bed. Which either means she has a clotting disorder, or she has a tumor in her colon. Chase: We'll do a colonoscopy. House: Who's keeping her awake now? Foreman: I figured once we found another symptom, it really didn't matter. Cameron: [sarcastically] Yeah, he's got all the ideas. House: [stern] Who is with her? Chase: Her partner is donating blood, so she's with the nurse. House: Probably singing her lullabies. [pops open his vicodin bottle] I want her awake. Chase: You have to sedate a patient to do a colonoscopy. House: Why? Just because of the pain? [places the pill in his mouth] If you find a tumor in her colon, you can knock her out. If you don't - she stays awake. [Foreman, Cameron and Chase look rather bothered at this, but exit] [Cut to examination room, colonoscopy equipment is in the room. Chase is positioned behind Hannah, whom is lying on her side with her back to him, Cameron is beside him. Hannah is flinching and making loud pained noises] Hannah: [groans] It hurts! Max: Can't you hurry? Chase: Trust me, you don't want me to hurry. Hannah: [groans louder] God, you're klling me! Max: [smiles at her] Hold my hand. Cameron: Keep breathing nice and steady. [pauses] How am I supposed to work with him? Chase: Maybe.. we shouldn't be talking about this right now? Cameron: You think I'm overreacting? Chase: [sighs] Um.. I need you to relax your anus. Hannah: [continues her moaning and groaning noises] Max: We're not here. We're skiing. It's thanksgiving, Hannah: You really want me to think about klling myself on a snowboard? Max: Come on. You never fell. Hannah: [buries her head in the blankets and makes a loud moan in torment] Max: You were awesome. Cameron: Is that what you told him - I'm hysterical and I need to relax my anus? Chase: I told him... how many cases do we work up in a year? They're all weird, he could have written up any one of them. [Cue camera to Hannah's face. A large amount of blood begins coming out of her nose] Max: She's bleeding. [Cameron immediately rushes to her side of the bed to help] Hannah: I can't breathe, I can't breathe. Chase: Hold on. [Cameron pinches the bridge of Hannah's nose while Chase continues the colonoscopy.] [Black out.] [Cue to House's office area.] Foreman: We packed her nose to control the bleed, and started transfusing two units of whole blood. Cameron: Pathology from the rectal bleed showed traces of nasal epithelium. Foreman: So the butt bleed is just a nosebleed. Cameron: That much blood is not a 'just a' anything. House: When two people fight this much - you know what it means. Foreman: It's gotta be a massive sinus hemorrhage, that was draining down her throat and out the back. Cameron: The question isn't what, it's why. House: Oh, get a room. Foreman: Rat poison mixed with some sort of neurogenic toxin can cause bleeding and sleep disturbances. Cameron: Do you have a specific type of neurogenic toxin in mind, or should we just start running a thousand different tox-screens? House: Just pretend I'm not here. I'll be reading. Foreman: It also could be some kind of coagulopathy. Cameron: Or it could be us, do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine? House: No. But I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college. Cameron: [sighs] We've basically been torturing this girl for the last eight hours. Foreman: We've been poking her foot, not punching her face. Cameron: Extreme stress can cause high blood pressure, which can cause bleeding. Foreman: Wouldn't keep her awake for ten days. House: What if the poison ivy wasn't poison ivy. She got the rash that was diagnosed as poison ivy around the same time the insomnia started. Rash plus nosebleed, plus sleep disturbance equals Wegener's Granulomatosis. Start cortical steroid treatment. Foreman: The poison ivy treatment was steroids. House: Much lower dosage. Get her back on the juice, triple the dose. Get a cianga, and an upper airway biopsy to confirm the wegener's. [Cameron and Foreman get up to leave the room. Foreman opens the door and motions for Cameron to go out before him. Cameron gives him a weird glance before exiting, Foreman then turns and shrugs back at House, who raises his eyebrows in response.] [Cut to Exam room one. House enters.] Mandarin Woman: [speaks in Mandarin to her daughter, whom is standing beside her.] Daughter: She has a... menstrual problems. They're really bad, the pain keeps her in bed all day, plus, she's super depressed. House: [pulls up a chair with his cane] She said 'super depressed'? Mandarin Woman: [continues to speak in Mandarin] Daughter: She heard that birth control pills can make her feel better. House: [sighs] She wants birth control pills for her PMS. Daughter: I guess. House: Judging by the redness around your mom's nostrils and the tissue she's got conveniently stashed in her wristband, I'd say her problem is more likely a URI than a PMS. Daughter: URI? House: Upper respiratory infection. A cold. Daughter: I don't think so... House: I also think she's got a problem with SAC. Daughter: SAC? House: [winks at her] Thanks for playing. Stupid American child. If you want the pill, all you have to do is walk into any health clinic in Jersey alone and ask for it. Daughter: [sighs] House: What exactly was your plan? [clicks his pen and begins writing a prescription] You were going to exchange the birth control pills for some over the counter decongestants in the hopes that your mom's cold lasts another six years? Daughter: No. House: [pulls off the prescription paper and hands it over] Daughter: That for a cold? House: No. That's for your ovaries. I assume you haven't had a stroke, have you ever had a blood clot? Daughter: No. House: Super. In three months when you need a refill, take a bus to a free clinic. Don't wait around hoping for mom to get another sniffle. [stands upright once more, then leans closer to the Mandarin mother] Not the sharpest chopstick in the drawer, is she? Mandarin Woman: [happily thanks him in Mandarin] [House exits the exam room, Cameron is waiting outside the door for him.] Cameron: Is this just one of your experiments? You just wanted to see how I'd react to being screwed over by Foreman? House: [shuts the exam room door] Nice idea, but no. This was just good old-fashioned laziness. I gotta hand it to Foreman though, he knew that you were a suck up and I don't give a crap. He successfully exploited us both. Cameron: Right. We're both victims. A simple heads up, that's all I needed. You know, between your incredibly witty remarks about al sex and Cuddy's breasts, you could have tipped me off. House: Then I'd have Foreman pissed at me. And as annoying as you can be, at least I know you're not going to pop a cap in my ass. Witty, huh? Cameron: [sighs, starts to walk away] House: You on the other hand, continue to be flabbergasted every time someone actually acts like a human being. Foreman did what he did because it worked out best that way for him. That's what everyone does. Cameron: That is not the definition of being human. That's the definition of being an ass. [Cut to patient's room.] Chase: This will numb you up. [sprays an anesthetic spray at the back of Hannah's throat] And this will keep your tongue out of the way. [places a ] Don't worry, you shouldn't feel anything except for a slight pulling. Foreman: So you think I was out of line? Chase: That article was going to sit on House's desk for the next six years. Foreman: I could have told her. Chase: You could have written it for her too. She knows House as well as any of us. She should have known she was waiting for him to do something he was never going to do. Hannah: [her eyes begin rapidly moving left to right] Foreman: [watches her] Chase? Chase: [also turns his attention to the female] Hannah? Still with us? Max: What's wrong with her eyes? Foreman: Looks like REM. Max: What's that? Chase: Rapid Eye Movements. It's what your eyes do when you're sleeping. Max: But she's awake. Foreman: Hannah. [pause] Hannah can you hear me? Hannah: [comes out of her daze] Yeah of course. [Cut to House's office area] House: Was she sitting up or lying down? Chase: Sitting up. House: Then it wasn't REM. Cameron: But Chase says her eyes are moving the exact way. House: Did you start her on the steroids? Chase: Not yet, we were still doing the--- House: Then she wasn't sleeping. Chase: How do you know? House: Because we haven't done anything yet. She may be able to sleep with her eyes open, but unless you also discover that she's got two extra teats in the hooves of her feet, there's no way she'd be able to retain enough muscle tensity during REM sleep to sit upright. It's a movement disorder. Which rules out Wegener's. Where's Foreman? Chase: Keeping her awake. House: Good. Chase: Rabies could cause muscle spasms, malaise, anxiety, and wakefulness. Cameron: I don't think she'd forget being bitten by a crazed animal. Chase: She could have been exposed to an open wound. House: Did she have a dog? Cameron: For less than a week. She had an allergic reaction, so they had to give it away. Chase: Allergies. Cameron: Animal allergies seems unlikely, but its possible that--- House: When? Cameron When what? House: When did she get rid of the dog? Cameron: About a month ago. Her girlfriend gave it to her for her birthday. House: Well then it's not allergies. She's just leaving her girlfriend. Cameron: You... spoke to the dog? House: If her birthday was a month ago, she would still be on steroids for the poison ivy. And those meds would have suppressed any reaction she might have had to the dog, which means she lied about being allergic. The dog's a commitment. You pretend to be allergic, because you don't want to tell your girlfriend that you're not planning on being around that long. So I think we can move onto options other than allergies. Chase: We should still do a scratch test. If she's allergic to one thing-- House: She is not allergic. Cameron: Okay. Well, we could either base the diagnosis on your admittedly keen understanding of lesbian relationships, or, we could do a scratch test. House: Do a scratch test. [Cue to patient's room] Cameron: You still feeling a lot of blood in your throat? Hannah: No, it's actually getting a little better. Cameron: Good. Maybe things are just starting to improve on their own. Just a few more. You want some water to wash out your mouth? Hannah: No, I'm OK. Max: Come on, that can't taste good. I'm going to get you a soda. It's OK, isn't it? Cameron: You and Max have got a very nice relationship. Hannah: Yeah. Cameron: She's very supportive. Hannah: Uh-huh. Cameron: When Max got you the dog, did you lie about having an allergic reaction? Hannah: No. Why? Cameron: If you have pre-existing conditions, it's important we know. But, if you don't, it's just as important. If I'm wasting my time doing--- Hannah: [speaks over the top of her] You're not going to tell her, are you? Cameron: It's none of my business. Hannah: She's a good person. We've just been together so long, I... [pauses] I'm tired of her. Sounds terrible, doesn't it? Cameron: I guess it happens sometimes. Hannah: My back hurts. Cameron: Hannah, can you turn over? Max: What's wrong? Cameron: I'm not sure. [Cameron pulls up Hannah's shirt to reveal a dark red patch of skin) Hannah: Oh my god. [Cut to House's office.) Cameron: She has massive internal bleeding. Chase: Did she have access to aspirin? Cameron: She'd have to take a hell of a lot. Chase: Why not? Considering her current mental state. House: What about her mental state? Cameron: [sighs] You... were right about her wanting to break up. House: It just means I was right, doesn't mean she's suicidal. Chase: A bottle of pills is what landed her here in the first place. House: Sleeping pills. God knows why she'd want them. What else can cause sleep disorder, and internal bleeding? Cameron: Drugs or alcohol can mess with the sleeping, and compromise the liver. House: What are you doing here? Who's keeping her awake? Foreman: It doesn't matter. Liver function tests are through the sky. The liver's not compromised, it's dad. She doesn't need a diagnosis, she needs a new liver. House: She's not getting a new liver unless we can figure out what's wrong with her. Foreman: Test for cirrhosis, twelve hours. Test for hepatitis, eight, she's not going to last another six. House: So your advice is we just give up? Foreman: My advice is that we narrow our focus to conditions that we can diagnose, treat and cure in less than six hours. And there's nothing on that list. House: The girlfriend donated blood, right? Chase: Yeah. So? House: That means they're the same type. Cameron: You can't ask the person she's about to dump to donate half her liver! House: Does seem tacky, doesn't it. [Cue to patient's room] House: I'm Doctor House. I'm in charge of your case. Max: What's going on? How come no one is keeping her awake any more? House: You're in acute liver failure. We can continue the transfusions and the lactulose. But it's only a stopgap. There's really nothing we can do to stop the toxins from building up in your bloodstream. Which means that in a few hours you will lapse into a coma. And you won't wake up. I'm sorry. Max: That's it? You're giving up? You're... not going to try to figure out what's doing this to her? House: Well even with the right diagnosis, any treatment is going to take longer than the time she has left. Max: If it's her liver, can't she get a transplant? House: Wouldn't work without a diagnosis. Whatever klled the first liver will do the same to the second. Max: But it... but it would give you move time to make the diagnosis, to get her better. House: Well, it may give us an extra day or two, but, no procurement agency is going to let a liver go to a patient with an undiagnosed pre-existing--- Max: Hannah and I have the same blood type. Couldn't I be the donor? House: It is medically possible for us to take a part of your--- Max: Please, I don't care about the risks! House: [To Hannah] You're very lucky to have such a devoted partner. [Cue to House's office area) House: I just bought us 36 hours. Differential diagnosis - which monster eats your liver, screws up your sleep, and causes bleeding? Cameron: Does Max know Hannah plans to leave her? House: Didn't come up, so I guess, no. Cameron: If she knew, there's no way she'd go through with this. House: And if you didn't have a pathological need to create a close personal relationship with every dying person you meet, we would be blissfully ignorant of any ethical dilemmas and might actually be able to concentrate on the differential. Chase: Scratch test was negative. Foreman: It's rare, but any of the hepatitis viruses can cause sleep disturbances, and liver failure. Chase: Nope, PCRs were normal. Cameron: We have an ethical dilemma. House: No we don't. Continue. Chase: What about splenic cancer, or non-hodgkins lymphoma? She's the right age. House: It could explain the bleeding. Maybe the liver failure. Cameron: We're withholding information relevant to her decision to risk her life. How is that not an ethical dilemma? House: It's not medical information. Cameron: Who cares? House: The AMA. Foreman: Wilson's disease could explain the liver, and neurological symptoms. It also causes bleeding disorders. Chase: No kaiser-fleischer rings in her eyes. House: The rings don't have to be there if there's neurological symptoms. Cameron: This is immoral. House: Look, let's say you're right. We tell, she changes her mind, our patient dies. How is that moral? [pauses] What else? Foreman: Poison mushrooms can cause liver failure, sleep disturbances, and internal bleeding. Chase: She's not shrooming, she's a sports nut. House: Right. Skiers never party. Cameron: She's doing this out of love, and Max doesn't know--- House: It's only moral to save a person if they love you? That's kind of a selfish way of looking at life. I like Wilson's disease, like cancer, love mushrooms. Foreman: Yeah, but we don't have the time to test for any of these. Before she can get the transplant, we need to do about 80 procedures. House: So do those tests, and my tests at the same time. Use the pantalope to look for cancer, and Wilson's while you endoscope her bile ducts and scrape her stomach for mushroom spores. One of you CT her liver, While the other two check protein CA125, and CA19.5. Oh yeah, if anyone says anything to Max, they're fired. Cameron: We have to. House: We have to not. Because she's not our patient. Cameron: She's getting surgery, she's someone's patient. [Cue to hospital hallways.] House: Need a little help. Cuddy: Inexplicable rash on a patient's scrotum you need me to look at? House: 27 year old female wants to donate half her liver to her dying girlfriend. Cuddy: That's very generous. This the sleepless girl? What's she got? House: Liver failure. Cuddy: I suppose I should have figured that out when you said she needed a new liver. Cuddy: You don't have a diagnosis. House: The transplant buys me time. Cuddy: Let's just skip the part where I say this is insane. House: It was her idea. Cuddy: If she wants to be an idiot, it's her call. You don't need me. Have one of your team walk her through the process. House: The donor and the donee sort of have opposing interests, right? Can't really advise them both. Cuddy: You're concerned about the ethics of this? What's going on? What do you know? House: Nothing medically relevant. Cuddy: But you know something. And it is relevant. House: If I can't tell her, I can't really tell you, can I? And if you're advising her. Cuddy: I assume this information is in the medical file. House: My patient's confidential file. Cuddy: This hospital's file. House: You can either satisfy your curiousity, or remain ignorant, do nothing ethically wrong and my patient doesn't die in three hours. [Cue to examination area with Cuddy and Max] Cuddy: These tests and the counseling normally happen over weeks, sometimes months. Max: It's okay. Cuddy: The most important part we're skipping is time. Time for you to change your mind. Max: I don't want to change my mind. Cuddy: Not now, but with time and perspective, maybe we learn things--- Max: If we had the time then we'd take the time, but we don't. So can you get this over with? Cuddy: Either I sign off on this, or it doesn't happen. So I need you to listen to me. Because there's a chance that you will die on that table. Max: I just want me and Hannah to be able to lie in bed together. As old ladies. Compare scars. Cuddy: I need you to lie on your side. And hold your knees. [Cue to examination area with Cameron and Hannah) Cameron: I'm going to check for vascular abnormalities that can prevent us from doing the transplant. At the same time, I'm also checking for mushroom spores to see if that's the underlying--- Hannah: I don't do mushrooms. Cameron: If you lie about your love life, maybe you lie about drugs. Open. [Cameron inserts the endoscopy equipment into Hannah's throat) Cameron: Aren't you at all concerned about what Max is going through right now? Shoving a tube up her rectum. Then they're going to swab her stomach just like I'm doing. It's going to hurt just like this hurts, which is nothing at all like the risk she's taking on the table. [Cameron removes the endoscopy equipment from Hannah's throat once again) Cameron: And you don't love her, do you. Hannah: I'm not leaving her because I don't---- Cameron: I'm not talking about the leaving, I'm talking about this. If you care for her at all, you won't let her do this blind. Hannah: You'd really tell? Cameron: Yeah. Hannah: You'd die? [Cue to House's office area. The lights in the room are off. Wilson enters, and drops a medical journal onto the floor, next to House, whom is sleeping on the floor) Wilson: I take it you've seen that? House: Seen it, digested it, watched it blow up my entire department. Wilson: You read Cameron's version? House: I didn't read either. Wilson: It was good. House: Better than Foreman's? Wilson: Maybe. He was more analytical about the diagnostic procedures. She concentrated more on the ethical dilemmas of informed consent. How any patient can really be informed without a medical degree. House: The same old party lines. Wilson: Foreman should have told her. House: Ah, shoulda, woulda, coulda. Wilson: If you allow this sort of thing in your department, you're basically saying it's OK. House: No, I'm saying that I don't care what they do as long as my life isn't interrupted by pointless conversations like this one. Wilson: They won't trust each other, and they won't trust you. House: They shouldn't. Wilson: Deception like this is just one step removed from actively sabotaging one other. Then what would you do? House: I could be the kindest gentlest boss in the world, and Foreman still would have done what he did because that's who he is. We can only hope that Cameron has learned something. Wilson: Right. Because you're all about the teaching. House: Our children are the future. [Cue to Hospital hallway] Foreman: Hey! Cuddy cleared Max for surgery. She's OK to go. House: How's our patient? Foreman: She's also cleared. House: I don't care about the prep, what about the diagnostic tests? Foreman: It looks negative for Wilson's disease, we'll know for sure in an hour. Chase: Blood proteins are normal, it's not--- House: Where's Cameron? Chase: Taking a sample of the bile duct. House: Surgery is supposed to start in about 15 minutes. Chase: She had a chance to get one last--- House: Hannah and Max will be in the same room. Foreman: You wanted us to do as much as we can before--- House: Both awake. With Cameron. [Cue to Operating Theater area] Cameron: Maybe we should give these two a minute together before the surgery. Max: You ready, honey? Hannah: Max. Max: It's okay. I'm right here. Hannah: I need you to know something. Max: I know. I love you too. [House shoves the door open with a dramatic bang) Hannah: I don't know how to say this... House: Good lord. Max: You can tell me anything. House: She hasn't slept in eleven days. Are you trying to trture her? [House feeds anesthetic into Hannah's IV line which promptly makes her drift off to sleep) House: Ding ding, let's go. House: I told you--- Cameron: I didn't say a word to Max. House: This is exactly why you got screwed with Foreman. You're looking for people to do the right thing. Cameron: She hasn't slept, her judgment's compromised due to inactivity in her pre-frontal cortex. House: Oh, she could have the best pre-frontal cortex in the history of mankind, but given the choice of life versus death, those bad bad people are going to choose life. Cameron: Then why did you sedate her? If she wasn't going to tell, if she was never going to do the right thing, why bother knocking her out? [pause] This isn't about them, if she talks, if she does the decent thing, then you don't get to solve your puzzle, your game's over, you lose. House: Yeah. I want to save her. I'm morally bankrupt. [Camera pans over both tables in the operating theater. The surgery is in progress. Camera pans up to observation room above the operating theater, where Cameron and Cuddy are watching.] Cuddy: How's it going? Cameron: They're about to remove Hannah's liver. [Camera pans back down to the op-theater) Surgeon#1: All right. I'm good to go. We can start removing Max's liver. Cuddy: You want to let me in on the big secret is between these two? Cameron: Did you read Foreman's article? Cuddy: It was good. Cameron: He basically stole it from me. Cuddy: So? Cameron: You're on his side? Cuddy: Sides? No, this isn't dodge ball. Cameron: What am I supposed to do? Just sit back and take it? Cuddy: No, write another article. Kick ass until you're sitting behind some big expensive desk and someone from John Hopkins's calls and says 'We're thinking about hiring Eric Foreman as our head of Neurology'. And you can say whatever you want. Cameron: [scoffs] Lovely. Revenge as motive for success. Cuddy: Ah, it doesn't have to be a motive. But it sure tastes good. Surgeon#1: She's in VF, I've got no pulse. Surgeon#2: She's arresting. Surgeon#2: Paddles. House: Oh! I am so relieved you two are here. Without you looking at me, they're playing foosball down there. Cameron: Max's heart stopped. House: Your patient is on the other side. Now get yourself upstairs and figure out what Hannah has or Max has risked her life for nothing. Surgeon: Charging... clear. We're okay. [Cue to House's office area.] Chase: Max's cardiac arrest was caused by hypoxia from hypoventilation. They restarted her heart and the right lobe of her liver was successfully transplanted into Hannah. House: Now, where were we before we were so rudely interrupted by the liver transplant? Foreman: Dopar dicarboxy was processed normally and the serola plasma and copper levels were normal so no Wilson's disease. Cameron: Gastric content was negative for spores, so no mushroom toxicity. House: And the initial tests were negative for cancer. Wilson: Which cancer were you looking for? House: Any of them. Cameron: We ran blood tests for ovarian, lung, and lymphomas. Wilson: Not going to tell you much. Her blood was thick after she was given immuno-suppressants. They fight rejection, they also mess up our ability to get any clear readings. House: Great battles kick up a lot of dirt. Obscure the battlefields so the generals can't see what's going on. Wilson: So what are your orders, General House? House: Sound the retreat. [Cue to Post-op patient room area.] Foreman: How are you feeling? Hannah: [sighs] Is Max OK? Foreman: She's still unconscious, but her vitals look good. [sighs] We need to stop all the immuno-suppressant drugs which are protecting your new liver. Hannah: [shakes her head] But if you stop the drugs, I'll die. Foreman: You're dad anyway if we don't figure out what caused all of this. By removing any outside influences, it will help us see what's really going on with your body. Hannah: So you did this to buy me a couple of days, and now you're taking them back? [pause] Will it hurt? Foreman: As your body begins to go into acute organ rejection, your liver will begin to swell. And that'll put pressure on-- [pauses] Yeah, it'll hurt. But we can knock you out. Hannah: Mmm. No. If Max wakes up, I want to talk to her. Foreman: [silently nods his head.] [Cue to Exam room one. The Mandarin mother and the daughter have returned.) House: [Opens the door and moves inside.) Mandarin woman: [Speaks in Mandarin, using a flustered tone as House enters) Daughter: She's been taking the decongestants, but she's not getting better, She.. also says... House: What? Mandarin woman: [grabs House's hand and places it on her chest.) Daughter: Her boobs are bigger. House: [Promptly yanks his hand away. Looks intrigued, then places it back where it was.] Wh... how could you get them mixed up? They come in a little wheel, they don't look anything like decongestants. Daughter: Oh god, the cashier put them both in the same bag, I thought I gave her the right ones. Mandarin woman: [Asks a question in Mandarin) Daughter: [Slowly responds to her.) House: No, you gave her the wrong pills. Daughter: You speak Mandarin? House: I can count to ten and ask to go to the bathroom and [pauses, speaks to the mother in Mandarin) Mandarin woman: [Looks appalled) Daughter: I'm not pregnant! We haven't even done it yet! Mandarin woman: [begins speaking to her daughter in a flustered tone) Daughter: [quickly argues back to her mother in Mandarin) House: Okay, I'm going to leave you two alone now. I'm sure you've got a lot to talk about. [House picks up his book and leaves Exam Room one, leaving the mother and the daughter to argue and bicker with each other.] [Cue to House's office area.] Cameron: Fever is 106, she's in full rejection mode. House: Is that supposed to surprise me? Cameron: Her white count is normal. House: Normal is not normal. She's been on steroids, transplant team gave her a cocktail of immuno-suppressants, she hasn't slept in over a week. Her white count should be in the tnk. Foreman: Looks like the problem is some sort of infection. Probably causing hypotension, shock the liver. Chase: We should start broad spectrum antibiotics. House: Yeah, you might want to add some chicken soup. It's just as useless, but it's got chicken. We need to know exactly what kind of infection we're dealing with, what infection causes sleep disturbance, bleeding, movement disorder, organ failure, and abnormally normal white count. Chase: What about tularemia? Cameron: Chest was clear. Tularemia doesn't cause movement disorders. Foreman: It would if she developed meningitis. Cameron: There is no ulcerations on the skin. [sighs] The bleeding, it looks more like leptospirosis. House: Without conjunctivitis and elevated creatinine? Forman: What about typhoid, or some kind of relapsing fever? Cameron: Makes sense if we were in the Sudan. House: You sure she hasn't been out of the country? Cameron: She hasn't even been out of the state in at least a year and neither has Max. Foreman: Maybe she lied. You talked to her friends? Neighbors? Cameron: You don't know? Come on, if you don't stay up to date on my notes, where's your next article going to come from? House: You talked to the dog? Cameron: We're not as up on foreign languages as you are. House: [scoffs] Has the dog been traveling? Cameron: It came from a breeder. House: Where? Cameron: I don't know. A place called Blue Barrel Kennels. They only had the thing for like, two days. House: Blue barrel is a kind of cactus. Do you see many cacti in Jersey? [Cue to post-op patient's room. House slides the door open and walks inside.] House: Wanna see a magic trick? [moves his hand in and pinches Hannah's nose, pretending to steal her nose. He then shakes out his hand, feigning surprise as her 'nose' disappears] Oh no, where'd it go, where'd it go? [Raises Hannah's left arm up] Is it here? [searches it momentarily, then places it down again] How about here? [raises her right arm and pulls up her sleeve, revealing a large pustule wound] There it is. Oh, it doesn't look anything like a nose. Cameron: That wasn't there this morning. [House pulls up Hannah's sleeve completely and nods to Cameron, who turns away to take a syringe out of a drawer. House then inserts the needle into the pustule and withdraws completely solid-black fluid from it) House: Give that to the lab, and call the CDC. Chase: And tell them what? House: That we have a patient with the plague. Chase: The... black plague? House: [nods] Looks that way. Cameron: The plague is carried by rodents, not dogs. House: Where there's dogs, there's fleas. If they hail from the southwest, then those fleas can't tell the difference between prairie dogs and puppy dogs. A small percentage of plague cases present with sleep disturbance. Imagine, an idyllic river of bacteria. Okay, it's not idyllic for her, but it serves my purposes. The steroids and the immuno-suppressants acted like a big hunk of dam across the river. Physics 101, put a dam up in front of a raging river, the river rises. By stopping the immuno-suppressants, we blew up the dam, and a hundred foot wall of bacteria flooded her lymph nodes. Foreman: We better find out where that dog is now. House: After you restart the immuno-suppressants, then fill her up to the eyeballs with streptomycin, sulfate gentamycin, and tetracycline. Use a garden hose if you've got one. Get yourselves some prophylactic treatments as well. Hannah: I've got the plague? House: Don't worry, it's treatable. Being a bitch though, nothing we can do about that. [Hannah glares at him. House simply exits.] [Cue to hospital hallway, outside of Hannah's post-op room area.] Cameron: You weren't in your room. Max: The surgeon said I'd heal faster if I walk. Got this far, needed a rest. Cameron: What you did was crazy, but it was pretty amazing too. Max: Yeah. I'm a hero. [watches Hannah through the glass from her place across the hallway] She's been planning to leave me. Cameron: Really? Max: [nods] She told a friend. The friend let it slip. Cameron: You knew, and - you gave up half your liver anyway? Max: She can't leave me now. Cameron: You really want her to stay out of guilt - that's not going to make either of you happy. Max: You don't know that. I love her. I just want her to stay. [Cue to House's office area. The lights are dimmed, Foreman is sitting in a chair and reading. Cameron slowly approaches him] Cameron: I don't own House's cases. You had just as much right as I did to write it up. You should have told me, but, I should have handled it better too. Foreman: [settles back in his chair] Cameron: If we want this not to get in the way of our friendship, I think we both have to apologize and put it behind us. Foreman: I like you. Really. We have a good time working together. But ten years from now, we're not going to be hanging out and having dinners. Maybe we'll exchange Christmas cards, say hi, give a hug if we're at the same convention. [sighs] We're not friends. We're colleagues. And I don't have anything to apologize for. [Cameron looks rather shocked as the camera pans out of the office area. The camera shifts into the next room and focuses on House, whom is fast asleep in his chair.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x18 - Sleeping Dogs Lie"}	foreverdreaming
[Episode opens with scene of the general city area at night. The camera pans across the road, and then heads towards the front of a place called "Church Of the Shining Light". Inside, people are singing "I've got Joy in My Heart" as the camera pans inside the building. The people applaud and cheer as they finish the song, and the camera focuses on the Patient of the Week, Boyd, who is a faith healer, and the head of the congregation.] Boyd: Do you feel the spirit? [The crowd cheers even louder, then are seated.] Boyd: And in the 39th year of his reign, Aesa was diseased in his feet until the disease was exceedingly great. Yet, he didn't seek help from the Lord, but from the physicians. Now there is nothing wrong with seeing a doctor. But can a doctor heal for the power that Jesus gave his disciples? Men of science can walk through life with blindfolds knowing that you or I could not take a single step if we were not uplifted by God. [Boyd moves to stand in front of a lady with a walking frame. He places his right hand over her forehead.] Boyd: Agnes, thank you for letting me be an instrument of God's love for you. [moves his hand away from her, then slowly pulls her walking frame away from her, moving it off to one side.] Boyd: [steps back away from Agnes] In faith, all things are possible. My friends, I want you to let Agnes feel the wave of faith in this church here today, lifting her into God's hands. [The crowd applauds and cheers.] Boyd: You can do it. Come on, sister. [holds his hands out towards her, then begins to clap] Agnes: [takes a few small tentative steps forward] Boyd: Praise Jesus! Thank you God! Thank you, Lord! Thank you, L-- [Boyd begins to seize up. He grasps at the air above him and begins to go red in the face. The camera pans in on his chest area, which then shows his muscles tightening up and constricting. Boyd hunches over in pain. The crowd becomes quieter.] Person: Is he all right? Boyd: [sinks to his knees] No! [curls up on the floor] [Boyd's Father, Walter, rushes over to him] What's wrong? Boyd: Dad. I think I need a doctor. [passes out on the floor] [Black out.] [Cue to House MD Opening Sequence with Theme Song "Teardrop" by Massive attck] [Camera focuses on Entry Door to Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. House enters for the day, and removes his sunglasses. Wilson briskly walks over to him] Wilson: Did you remember my DVD player? House: Well if you wanted it, you shouldn't have left it behind when you moved out. Wilson: No, I'll get it. It's a drag watching prn on VHS. House: I'll call you as soon as I'm done with it. That's if you ever get a phone installed. Wilson: Oh, forget it. I'll come by and get it myself, ah, after work, Thursday? House: Won't be home Thursday. Wilson: No problem. I still have a key, I can let myself in and out. House: I guess maybe I could bring it in tomorrow. After all, how many times can you ht pause at the part where Lindsay Lohan plays the spelling bee? What is it about girls who can spell? Wilson: It's a math contest. House: What is it about girls who can count? Wilson: It's poker night isn't it? House: [glances away from him] Wilson: You said weeks ago that I could play. Stop making excuses. House: [walks into the elevator] Got to go - building full of sick people. If I can hurry, maybe I can avoid them. [Cue to patient's room.] Foreman: The abdominal series showed no evidence of obstruction. What did you have to eat? Boyd: Chicken sandwich. We travel. Lots of fast food. Cameron: [inserts a needle into his arm] Boyd: Thank you. I barely felt it. Cameron: You're welcome. Boyd: God told me you were kind. Cameron: You talk to God? Walter: God's presence often descends on Boyd, they help him guide others. Foreman: This been going on long? Walter: Since he was ten. Foreman: [curtly nods] Boyd: God told me I would meet a woman healer who was harboring vengeful thoughts about a man she works with. [Cameron looks rather stunned and momentarily glances at Foreman, who raises his eyebrows in response.] Boyd: That's God's job. Cameron: I'll... keep that in mind. [picks up a sample jar] His urine is dilute. Walter: Ah, what does that mean? Cameron: It could mean that for some reason his kidneys aren't purifying in the way they should, which would let toxins accumulate in his body. I'll run the blood work, and see what it tells us. Boyd: Thank you. I appreciate it. [Cue to House's Office area.] House: God talks to him. Chase: It's not psychosis, he's just religious. The only medical issue that showed up on the blood work is low sodium. House: No - you talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you - you're psychotic. Chase: A lot of people experience their religion as something more than symbolic. That doesn't mean that--- House: God ever talk to you when you were in the seminary? Chase: [laughs] House: [gives him a smug look] Chase: No. House: God's loss, our gain. He's either psychotic, or a scam artist. Foreman: He was actually , uh, really impressive. House: Well yeah, with the burning bush and all it's quite the show. Cameron: He's intelligent, polite, dignified, he's not a typical 15 year old. Foreman: And he told Cameron God wants her to stop being pissed at me over the article. House: God knows you stole Cameron's article? Foreman: He knows she's harboring vengeful thoughts. Cameron: I'm over it. House: Yeah. I can tell that from the Berlin wall of body language between you. I'm shocked that he picked up on it. Low sodium - check for Addison's? Chase: No pigmentation and potassium levels were nominal. House: Cirrhosis? [Foreman: Liver feels fine. Trans and minasous were normal.] House: [sighs] We should monitor his saline intake to correct the low sodium. No more than one MEQ per liter per hour. Let's push the patient history to see if there's any evidence of drugs or other delusions. Chase: You're going to talk to a patient? House: God talks to him. It would be arrogant of me to assume that I'm better than God. [Cue to Patient's room. House slides the door open.] House: So. You're a faith healer. Or is that a pejorative? Do you prefer something like "divine health management"? I thought God might have mentioned I was coming. Boyd: I'm OK with 'Faith Healer', Doctor House. House: Oh... That's a nice one. You didn't even go with 'I see an H in a medical coat'. Boyd: The nurses talk about you a lot. House: Ah, don't believe them - I keep a sock in my pants. Faith - that's another word for ignorance, isn't it? I never understood how people could be so proud of believing in something they have no proof of at all. Like that's an achievement. Boyd: God's asking for our trust. You can't love somebody and not trust them. House: Trust has to be earned. You can't trust someone hiding in a closet. Boyd: You don't trust anyone. House: You seem elusive. There's no confusion, no lethargy. What drugs have you been taking? Boyd: Nothing. Ah, Some aspirin, I... get focused on something, I forget to eat, next thing you know I've got a hunger headache. House: So aspirin and hospitals are OK. That's an interesting attitude for someone who's keep any number of people from getting medical help. Boyd: Just because I believe in prayer, doesn't mean I don't believe in germs and toxins. [Walter re-enters the room and hands a bottle of water to Boyd.] House: That bottle's been open before. You refilled it at the water cooler. Walter: Yes. House: How often do you do that? Walter: A few times an hour, he likes to stay hydrated. House: [looks rather intrigued] Walter: You think germs have gotten in? House: I think water might have gotten in. [The camera pans across the sky in an aerial sht of the hospital. The camera cues to the inside of Wilson's office.] Wilson: We can adjust your pain meds. Grace: Again. Wilson: Suppose we increase your oxycodone. Grace: We both know the only reason I'm talking with this to you now, is because I did not take my full dose this morning. Wilson: [Folds his arms] Grace: You've done your best. And I've been a good soldier. It's time we accept it's over. Wilson: What about the trip you were talking about taking. You've wanted to see Florence since you were a teenager, right? Grace: Yeah, I'll go now all drugged up. It's not exactly the trip I've been dreaming of. Wilson: Okay. But you're strong. You're dealing with this. And there is the right combination of pain meds out there. And we'll find it. Don't give up on us. And don't be startled by the sound you're about to hear. House: [bashes on Wilson's glass door] Wilson: Excuse me. I have a friend with boundary issues. [Wilson gets to his feet, opens the door and goes outside to meet with House] Wilson: Can this wait five minutes? House: Is she dying? Wilson: Yeah. House: Before the end of this consult? Wilson: They could build monuments to your self-centeredness. House: Patient, 15 year old, faith healer. Hot line to God. Wilson: What are his symptoms? House: He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing. Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement? House: Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump. It's a power trip. Wilson: Oh, and there the similarities end. Why is he here? House: I fear for the human race. A teenager claims to be the voice of God and people with advanced degrees are listening. Wilson: The majority of Americans believe in a personal God. What are his symptoms? House: Massive cramps, low sodium. It turns out he's been drinking water non-stop, God told him to purify his body. Wilson: Huge water intake would cause low sodium. House: Which would cause the cramping, yeah, I get it. Wilson: What, that's it? You solved it. You just brought me out here to rant because faith annoys you? House: Mmm-hmm. He's all better. You know I get it, people are just looking for a way to fill the holes. But they want the holes, they want to live in the holes. And they go nuts when somebody else pours dirt in their holes. [yells out to nobody in particular] Climb out of your holes, people! Wilson: [silently heads back into his office] [The camera pans down and in on Boyd, who is fast asleep. He is expressionless as his eyes open.] [Cue camera to Princeton Plainsboro hospital halls. Boyd slowly walks out of his room, singing. He heads down the hallway. The camera shows us that from his perspective, the image he sees is blurry. He continues to sing, becoming louder as he walks down the hallway, people pass by him. He moves to stand in front of an indoor water fountain and raises his hands up towards it, singing loudly now.] Chase: [walks up to him] Boyd, you alright? Boyd: [continues to loudly sing] Chase: [places a hand on his left shoulder] Boyd. Boyd: [stops singing and becomes silent] Chase: Come on. [places his hand back on Boyd's shoulder and begins trying to lead him away] Let's go, can you tell me your name? Do you know where you are? Boyd? Boyd: [from his perspective, the image he sees is blurry, except for Grace, whom is walking down the hallway] Chase: Boyd? Boyd: God doesn't want you to be afraid. Grace: [stops walking and looks at him] Boyd: He sent me here to heal you. You think he hasn't heard your prayers, but he heard all of them, even the ones you didn't say. [grasps onto her hands] Chase: Sorry. Boyd, come on, let's get you back to your room. Boyd: [to Grace] In faith, all things are possible. Chase: Let's go. Boyd: [places his right hand on Grace's forehead] Lord, I call on you to relieve the suffering of your daughter. Wilson: [from the other end of the hallway] Grace? Boyd: And make her whole again. Wilson: Hey! Hey, what are you doing? What is this? Chase: He's just had a complex partial seizure, he's disoriented, he doesn't know what he's doing. Wilson: Well get him back to his room. Now. [Chase leads Boyd away.] Wilson: [to Grace] You OK? Grace: [slowly nods] [Cue to House's Office area.] Cameron: Are we even certain he had a seizure? Hymn singing and healing, he does it all the time, doesn't he? House: Isn't it interesting that religious behavior is so close to being crazy we can't tell it apart. Chase: The repetition, the lack of affect and awareness, it was a seizure. Cameron: Infection? Foreman: No fever. Cameron: It could be Wilson's. Or maybe it's a glycogen storage disease. Foreman: Or brain tumor. Chase: Tubular sclerosis. House: Hmm. How to settle this. We could ask our patient to ask God, or we could MRI his brain. Which way do you want to go? Because, I'm open to all--- Wilson: [yells] House! Why the hell did you let an unstable patient wander the hallways?! House: His leash broke. Wilson: The last thing a terminal cancer patient needs is to hear somebody taunt them with a cure, she was freaked, she was angry... House: And now she's not freaked and angry and you are. Wilson: She says she's feeling better. Maybe not singing and dancing, but she's feeling just a little happy for the first time in months. House: A sudden drop in pain can create euphoria. You should let her have her vacation. Wilson: Oh, that's great. And when vacation's over, when she crash lands from all this denial, she was dealing with her illness. Now her expectations are rising. And you're not the one that has to be there when all that false hope gets yanked out from under her. [Wilson turns and walks out of the room. Foreman glances up at House, Cameron and Chase both look at him as well. House glances back at them] House: Don't you guys have anything to do? [Cameron and Chase, and Foreman exit.] [Camera cuts to MRI Machine area.] Chase: How long have you been healing people? Boyd: You believe that's what I'm doing? Chase: I'd like to. Boyd: But you don't. [pauses] Why do you always do things you don't want to do? Chase: [just watches him] Boyd: It's OK, I don't expect a real answer. [Chase nods in response, while Boyd lies down on the MRI sliding table. Chase presses a button on the console and the table slides into the machine.] [The camera moves to the safe area behind the glass in the MRI room.] Foreman: God would probably want you to take the stick out of your butt and get over this. Cameron: If there is some higher order running the universe, it's probably so different from anything our species can conceive there's no point in our even thinking about it. But I doubt He gives a damn about my butt. Foreman: You believe God might exist, but you don't think about it? It's the most important issue--- Cameron: I think penguins might as well speculate about nuclear physics, why are we having this conversation? Foreman: What? I'm curious. Cameron: You cannot tell someone they're a colleague and not a friend, then casually chat about the afterlife. [Cue to House's Office area. House walks over to his whiteboard, carrying a cup of coffee. He stops in front of the whiteboard, and the camera reveals that he is keeping score. House has a column on one side of the board and currently one point, while God has a column on the other side, and two points.] House: [grins in amusement at the board, then walks over to the sink] Boyd: [enters House's office] You actually keep score? House: [pours coffee] Your MRI results aren't done yet. Go back to your room. No singing. Boyd: Well, you would get a point for figuring why the low sodium. What are my guy's points for? House: Your trick about the spat between Dr Cameron and Dr Foreman apparently impressed someone. Boyd: And the second point? House: [ignores him and reaches to grab a stirring stick for his coffee] Boyd: You think it could be because I healed Grace? She came back to see me. I like her. House: You like messing with people. That's why you're here now. Now maybe you think that your batteries are powered by God, maybe you don't. Either way, you enjoy what you do. Boyd: Yes. I like helping people. I get a rush when I see the look on their faces when they realize their burdens are gone. House: Hmm, which makes sure you're in the next state by the time the endorphins wear off, and the arthritis comes back. Boyd: That doesn't happen. House: Oh, you do extensive follow up studies? Boyd: God told me. House: Hmm, I see. That's not fair. We were having fun! It's hard to keep sniping rationally when you throw a bmb like that in there. Boyd: He spoke with me about you too. House: Forgive my enemies, never date a tourist when Mercury is in retrograde. Yeah, I learned that one myself, the hard way. Boyd: God says you look for excuses to be alone. House: See, that is exactly the kind of brilliance that sounds deep, but you can say that about any person who doesn't pine for the social approval of everyone he meets, which you were cleverly able to deduce about me by not being a moron. Next time tell God to be more specific. Boyd: God wants you to invite Dr Wilson to your poker game. [House glances up at Boyd, who grins and leaves the room] [Cue to Cafeteria area. Wilson is at one of the tables, eating. House enters the area and walks across to him] House: Don't talk to my patient. Wilson: What are you talking about? House: You get all huffy when my patient stumbles into yours in the hallway, but you've got no qualms about chatting my guy up. Wilson: This is fun, it's like Password. Keep talking, I'll jump in when I get a clue what the hell you're talking about. House: God knows about my poker game. Wilson: You think I told him? House: Either that or I start going to Church every Sunday. That would mess with my bowling league. Wilson: House, aside from yelling at him to get back to his room, I've never spoken to your patient. [House and Wilson exchange glances for a few moments, then House leaves once again] [Cue to the safe area in the MRI room.] Chase: The MRI shows an abnormal area. House: Tubular sclerosis. Foreman: It's the right neighborhood. Chase: Accounts for all the symptoms. House: All of them. Foreman: Bleeding cortical tumors identifiable. We can do the surgery. House: Tell our patient congratulations. Soon his chats with God will be a thing of the past. [gives himself another point on the Whiteboard] That's how he goes to the mortal. [Cue the hallways of Princeton Plainsboro Hospital. Grace is leaving Boyd's patient room. Wilson is standing in the foreground area, appearing to be waiting for her.] Wilson: Did you know the Catholic Church keeps a doctor at Lordes? He hears the same thing every day. But out of the thousands of cases of people who have claimed to feel better, the Catholic Church has only recognized a handful as miracles. Grace: But they do recognize a handful. Wilson: Well, they're a church. It's what they do. Grace: Look. For the past couple of years the world's been getting smaller. Eight months, six months. I watch a trailer for a movie and I think 'Am I going to be here when that comes out?' Maybe there still is a rise in hope there. You know, maybe, maybe I can make plans for a year from now. Two years. I like the view. Wilson: The view is a lie, and if you believe it, you're going to crash so hard. [shakes his head] Let me take new images of your liver. Grace: You can't accept that it could be true. Wilson: Well if it is true, you shouldn't be afraid of proving it. [Cue to Boyd's patient room.] Foreman: Tubular sclerosis is a genetic disorder. It causes small benign tumors to grow in various parts of the body, in this case, the brain. Walter: You said benign. Foreman: They probably are but benign or not, they're not in a good location. We need to remove them. Walter: You're talking brain surgery? Chase: His symptoms are getting worse, which means the tumors are growing. The surgery will correct it all, the chemical imbalance, the seizures, the auditory hallucinations--- Walter: Hallucinations? Foreman: Without the surgery, it's just going to get worse, it might even be fatal. With the surgery your son should be a normal 15 year old boy. Boyd: I'm not normal. [Cue to the Cafeteria area.] House: [snatches Wilson's tub of yogurt] I need you to talk to my patient. I'll get this one. Wilson: Why do I have the feeling you're plotting world domination? House: Moses is refusing surgery. You have a gift. People thank you for telling them that they're going to die. Wilson: If I can get him to agree to agree to surgery, I want in on the poker game. House: You would let this kid die just to get into a stupid game? Dr. Wilson: You'd let him die just to keep me out? [Cue to Boyd's patient room. House and Wilson enter.] Wilson: Hi. I'm Dr Wilson. Boyd: I knew they'd send somebody else. House: That God has a big mouth. Wilson: House! [to Boyd] Can I ask why you don't want the tumors removed? Boyd: God put them there for a reason. House: You think God needs a telephone in your head to talk to you? Isn't he everywhere? It's not a long distance call, is it? Boyd: This is the way God does things. The natural law, if he went around doing big flashy miracles all the time, nobody would need faith. House: How come everyone else needs faith, but you just get the guy who's screaming his existence in your ear? [pauses] Your turn. Wilson: Do you think God wants you to die? Walter: This is the way the Lord often is with his chosen ones. He, he, gives the most trials to those that he loves the most. House: Wow, sweet. You abdicate your authority. Avoid those tricky parental issues like whether to let him drive at sixteen, just let him die at fifteen. Wilson: So you believe is, um, a saint. The way I understand it, one of the hallmarks of a saint is humility. Someone with true humility would consider the possibility that God hadn't chosen him for that kind of honor. He'd consider the possibility that he just had an illness. [Cue to Princeton Plainsboro Hospital hallways. House and Wilson have left the patient's room and are now walking elsewhere.] House: You have a gift for manipulation. Wilson: I listen, I have an actual conversation with people. Which shockingly does raise the odds that they'll be co-operative. House: That's what I'm saying. You read that kid, then manipulated the hell out of him. Wilson: [sighs] House: Bring pretzels. [Cue to House's house. House is playing his piano.] [a knocking sound can be heard at the front door] House: I know that knock. Use your key, I'm not getting up. [House continues to play the piano. Wilson unlocks the door and enters the house.] House: The game's not until tomorrow night. And those aren't pretzels. Wilson: I took some images of Grace Polmurin's cancer. House: Yeah? Wilson: The tumors shrunk. House: [stops playing his piano] Don't tell my patient. [Black out.] [Cue to Princeton Plainsboro Hospital hallways. House is walking up to the administration desk, Chase is leaning against it.] House: I want all the records on miracle woman. Every test, every treatment she's ever had, every question she's ever answered in this hospital. Anything except for previous doctors, go back to neonatal if you have to. [House glances into Boyd's patient room, noticing that Grace and Boyd are in there having a conversation] Which part of 'keep them away from each other' confused you? Chase: They're friends. She thinks he saved her life. House: Now we've obligingly offered medical proof that his delusions are true. Cuddy: They've withdrawn permission for the surgery. I put the lawyers on it. Her tumor shrank? House: I'm on it. [to Chase] Tell Jesus that we need another 24 hours to normalize the sodium level. Chase: It's already normalized. House: Actually, tell Joseph. [points his cane in the direction of Boyd's father] Jesus will know you're lying. And I want you and Foreman and Cameron to go over every line of every file on that woman. Chase: Isn't he the one we're supposed to save? House: The only way to save him is to prove that she is still dying. [Cue to House's Office area.] Chase: MRI machine checks out. Foreman: Maybe the radiologist mischarted which machine they used. Chase: I checked both. This is insane, we're diagnosing a recovery. Cameron: What about six months ago? Maybe there was a malfunction on her reform pictures, some shadow that made the tumor look bigger than it really was. I'll see what I can find out. Foreman: Maybe it's a delayed effect from radiation. Sometimes it could take a while. Chase: She hasn't had radiation for six months. Foreman: Here! Chase: Nowhere. Her records--- Foreman: There's about a dozen appliances in every home that gives off radiation. Chase: Those machines wouldn't hurt a hamster if it was tied to the machine for a year. Foreman: If the machine is operating properly. Chase: Sometimes remissions just happen. Foreman: [sighs] You think House will just shrug and say that if one of us doesn't check the home? [Chase Exits.] [Cut to MRI Safe room. Cameron inspects and goes over scans from Grace. Camera dissolves to reveal Chase, who is in Grace's House and scanning radioactive sensing equipment over appliances within the kitchen area. sht dissolves to Foreman who is in House's office area and going through a large number of papers. Camera dissolves again to House, who is seated in front of his piano in his house. His poker game is in session and he and his friends are seated around a table with cards and poker chips.] House: Kings on nines. [Everybody folds. House collects his won chips. Wilson enters through the front door.] House: Wilson! This is Dry Cleaner. Tax Accountant. Guy from the bus stop. This is Wilson. Dry Cleaner: How come he gets a name? House: Seniority. Wilson: Hello. [Cut back to Grace's home area. Chase is inspecting Grace's medicine bottles. The phone rings, and the camera cuts back to House.] House: Find anything? Chase: Do you have any idea how many electrical devices give off radiation? House: All of them. Chase: I'll be here all night. House: Everybody's a whiner. Be a doer, not a me too'er. [to his poker group] Raise. Bus Stop Guy: I'm out. Chase: There's at least four different types of pain pills here, and an LED device. Wilson: I'll raise your raise. House: Keep looking. [closes the phone, hanging it up, then sits there thinking for a moment] Fold. [His poker buddies laugh.] Dry Cleaner: You were bluffing. He knew you were bluffing. Your luck's changing tonight. Wilson: So did they find anything? Or are you going to have to accept the fact that every now and then, remissions happen? [House silently leans back in his chair and folds his arms. Camera cuts back to Chase, who is now using the radiation monitoring equipment to scan the lights, the television, and then the closet. He discovers men's shirts and ties in there. Camera cues back to the poker game. House's phone rings. He picks up.] House: [sighs] This call had better be worth my time. Chase: This is what happens when it's not our patient. We don't know enough. House: That's why you're there. Chase: She's got a boyfriend. House: Well, unless you think he's radioactive... Chase: He could show up at any minute! The honor of working for you is not worth a felony charge. House: Give me a minute. [throws more chips onto the table] Bus Stop Guy: I'm saying the odds of you having a Straight Flush are pretty low. [places his own chips on the table] [Camera cuts back to Grace's home. The shadow of a person appears nearby the front door, Chase notices them and quickly dashes into the next room to hide.] Chase: House! [The sound of keys clinking can be heard. The camera shifts back to the poker game, and focuses on House's cards, then on Wilson. The other occupants around the table watch him.] Wilson: I'll fold. Drycleaner: Fold. Tax Accountant: Fold. Bus Stop Guy: I'm screwed, aren't I? [The camera shifts back to Grace's home. The shadow fumbles with keys for another moment, and then enters the apartment next door. The camera once again returns to the poker game as House flips over his last card, revealing that his hand was a Straight Flush. The occupants at the card table laugh.] House: Nine bucks for a Straight Flush. [House scoops up his poker chips. The occupants around the card table continue to chuckle.] House: [picks up his phone again] He's not coming home. Relax. [shuts his phone again] There's nothing in this universe that can't be explained. Eventually. Take this game. Only two people knew that you wanted in on it. I didn't tell him. Wilson: I told you, I didn't tell him. House: Why would you? About the only he's person getting intimate and all conversational with is your cancer chick. How would she know? The subject of my poker game isn't likely to come up with in the course of a patient interview. No, that's the kind of thing that you mention to someone that you're used to sharing the details of your day with. Wilson: Don't. House: A Rabbi, guidance counselor, parent? She's not your mom, is she? Wilson: I'm seriously saying, don't. House: You've been having sex. Wilson: This is so not the place. House: With our miracle woman. [Cue to House's office area. Cameron and Foreman are seated at the table and going over notes.] Walter: Excuse me, may I... may I talk to you? Cameron: Of course. Walter: Um... Boyd's getting dressed, he's ready to check out. Cameron: He... can't check out without your permission. Foreman: His sodium level still isn't normal. Walter: I told him, he said that God said it was OK. He was fine. [pauses] Could you talk to him? [Cut to House's home area.] Wilson: Tell them my name isn't Wilson. House: Most people in your situation just have their careers to worry about. You got that, and combined retribution. Wilson: Tell them. House: Tell them what happened, tell them whatever you want. Wilson: She'd had a bad day, pain wise. Her ride didn't show up to take her home. House: So you offered? Wilson: Yeah. She didn't have any groceries. She was too sick to go out, and I figured I could afford to take a half hour and pick her up a few things, and... House: Stay, and make sure she's OK. Wilson: Yeah. House: And never leave. You told me you got an apartment. But you moved in with her. You lied to me. [yells out to the next room] His name is not Wilson, and he's screwed up worse than I am. Wilson: Okay, yes. I lied to you, I'm sorry. House: Half the doctors who specialize in oncology turned into brned out cases, but you. You eat neediness. Wilson: Lucky for you. [To the group in the next room as he walks through to the door] Thanks for the game guys, I don't think I'll be coming back. House: [follows] You're a functional vampire. Sure you're heroic, useful to society, but only because it feeds you. [Wilson slams the door.] House: There's nothing worth stealing, so don't even look. [opens the front door and follows Wilson out onto the street] You don't just have a fetish for needy people, you marry them. Wilson: [throws his hands into the air] Here we go. House: You mean it! And then time passes and suddenly they're not so needy any more. Your fault. You've been there for them too much, they're getting healthy, independent. And that's just ugly. God, you must be pissed at God right now, making her all happy. Wilson: Why are you doing this? House: Because you're being stupid. Wilson: [laughs] House: You know what you're risking by sleeping with a patient. Wilson: Oh, that's crap. You're not mad because I'm risking my job. You're not even mad because I lied to you. You're mad because I lied to you and you couldn't tell. House: Yeah. You got me nailed. Wilson: Yeah, that's why you didn't want me in your poker game. Because when it comes to being in control, Gregory House leaves our faith healer kid in the dust. And that's why religious belief annoys you. Because if the universe operates by abstract rules you can learn them, you can protect yourself. If a Supreme Being exists he can squash you any time he wants. House: He knows where I am. [The sound of a ringing cell phone is heard. Wilson and House check their pockets.] Wilson: I think it's yours. House: [finds his phone and opens it] Yeah. [slowly nods, quiet] I'll be right there. [pauses] Jesus is spiking a fever. He's delusional. Wilson: Tubular sclerosis doesn't cause a fever. House: I know. Wilson: I'll drive. [Cut to House's office area. It is night time outside, the hospital is mostly dark for the night. House, Wilson and Foreman are in the area, discussing.] House: Pick any random guy off the street, bring him in here, examine him exhaustibly and you will find at least three things wrong with him. This kid has tubular sclerosis, a mild case. Cameron: But his tumors are growing. House: We assumed that the tumors are growing because he's getting sicker. But he could have grown old and died and never known about them if he hadn't come here. We were looking for something that's more or less in the right part of the brain. It's like we found someone standing over a dad body holding a gn. We arrested them, didn't look any further. Well sometimes, people really do just stumble into a mrder scene. Foreman: His fever's 103 and rising. If we don't do anything, he's going to be chatting with God face to face real soon. House: He would still come from a long term underlying condition. He's a garden variety religious nut who happens to have an infection. It's lumbar puncture time. [Cut to Patient's room.] Boyd: No. No, God told me no more of man's medicine. If we have faith in him, he'll make me well. Cameron: It's just a test. We just want to find out what's wrong. Boyd: God knows what's wrong, God will take care of it. Foreman: [to Walter] He's delirious, and he's a minor. This is your decision, not his. Boyd: [mumbling] The kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field which when a man finds, he hides, and in his joy, he goes and sells all that he has, and buys that field. Foreman: Buy all the land you want, don't blow your brains out. [to Walter] You're watching your son kll himself! He's out of his mind with fever-- Boyd: Dad! If your faith is weak, I will fail. I need you. Walter: [sighs] I'm sorry. You don't even know what's wrong with him. God knows the answer. And I would rather leave it in his hands than yours. [Cut to the Hospital Hallways. House walks along the corridor and stops as he sees Wilson at the other end of a waiting room area, standing in front of a vending machine containing fruit.] House: Wilson! Wilson: [looks up at him from the vending machine] House: I need you to do your thing. [The camera cuts to them walking out of the elevator.] Wilson: You do know that I don't actually have magical powers. House: I have faith. Wilson: You're better off trying to slip some antibiotics into a meal--- House: Which antibiotics? We don't know what infection he's got. Wilson: Go as broad as you can. House: Forget it. Our best hope is your silver tongue. Wilson: What if it's not an infection? House: Were you not paying attention when I was doing my mrder scene metaphor? Wilson: What if the tubular sclerosis is guilty? It had the gn in it's hand. It was standing--- House: Doesn't cause fever. Wilson: It causes everything else. What if the fever is the innocent bystander? Fever could have been set off by something he picked up anywhere, maybe even a bug he got here. House: Or a bug he gave here. [pauses] He gave it to your patient. That's why her tumor shrank, the virus went after the cancer first. Wilson: Are you saying a virus attcked your tumor? House: For two hundred years, there were reports of wild viruses that target tumors. Early 1900s an Italian medical journal wrote up a woman with cervical cancer who was injected with a weak strain of rabies, I've no idea why they did that, but her tumor shrank. Wilson: You think he gave her rabies? House: One of the virus types most prone to go after cancer cells is herpes. Wilson: Herpes and cephalitis. It would fit. Seizure, low sodium, even the blurred vision. And it would mean if you're right, Grace's cancer is coming back. But you're not going to be able to convince them. They don't want any more tests, they don't wanna--- House: They can't argue with a market cane. [Cut to patient's room] Boyd: I'm not going to change my mind. No more tests. God knows the way. House: [enters the room] Okay. Let's start with the shirt. Boyd: What are you doing? [forces House away] What are you doing? House: I'm on a mission from God. If you won't let me undress you, then strip. Walter: What's he doing, what's going on? House: That woman you helped, you gave her a virus. Boyd: No, she's healed, I have a gift. House: A gift is jewellery, socks. What you have is herpes and cephalitis. The only way you could have transmitted it is by scratching one of your own sores and touching another person. Walter: Herpes, that's something you get from sex, right? House: Either that, or cold sores. Your kid got it from the sex. Boyd: No, no, no sores. No, my body's clean, they examined me when I came in, no sores. [struggles against House] House: Herpes hides. When you have an outbreak it goes away, comes back, goes away, [pushes Boyd down] Strip. You didn't have a sore when you came in, but you've got one now. Boyd: Dad, I've never, ever--- House: Did you ever wonder why a perfect child of God should feel so desperate to purify his body that he needed to scarf down a dozen gallons of water a day? Walter: Boyd... is he right? Boyd: Dad, no, he's crazy! Help me, I'm.. Doctor Wilson, help! Wilson: God said no medicine, no procedures. Taking off your clothes doesn't count as either of those. [to Walter] This one's your call. Walter: Son. Boyd: Dad, we have to have faith in--- Walter: I have faith in the Lord. You, I trust... as much as you can trust a teenage boy. Take off your clothes. [Boyd lies down on the bed and lifts up his shirt and pulls down his pants slightly, revealing a rather large red blotch mark on his back] House: Relax. A few Hail Maries, a little cyclovir, you'll be picking up angels again in no time. [House, Foreman and Wilson exit, leaving Walter in the room, with Boyd, who is face down on his bed, crying.] [An aerial sh*t of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital is shown. Camera cuts to House's office. Boyd knocks on the glass door. House looks up from his bookcase.] House: Come in. [Boyd opens the glass door and walks inside.] Boyd: My father told me I have to apologize to you. House: You're still hearing the voices? Boyd: You're lucky. You go through life with the certainty that what you're doing is right. I know how comforting that is. [House just watches him, saying nothing] Boyd: Good luck. [House subtly nods his head. Boyd leaves. The camera cuts to the whiteboard with the House / God scoreboard still on it.] House: You're not going to give me my final point? Chase: You knew it was me. House: Who else? Chase: [smirks, gets to his feet and gives House's side another point] House: You don't think God should get a point knocked off? Chase: The tumor shrank. House: Because of a virus. Chase: Do you know what the odds are? She had to have the right type of cancer, he had to have the right type of virus, the exposure--- House: She won the lottery. Chase: You say she won the lottery, he says, miracle. House: Yeah, the hand of God reached into this kid's pants, made him have sex so he could scratch a rash, stick his fingers in some woman's face, give her a few extra months. Ah, he's just another liar and manipulator. Wilson: Well nobody's as perfect as you are. It is possible to believe in something and still fail to live up to it. [House and Wilson exchange glances. Wilson leaves the office, House follows. Camera focuses on the whiteboard for a moment, before cutting to House and Wilson whom are leaving the hospital for the day] House: So, how's your girlfriend. Wilson: She got a little extra time out of this. Not a lot. House: She didn't crash. Wilson: No. She says she's happier when she believes in something bigger than she is. House: She still believes. Wilson: Faith. She's going to Florence. House: Moving out? Wilson: Yeah. House: Moving back in with me? Wilson: I don't think that's a great idea. House: [nods] But we're OK. Wilson: [grins, amused] House, you are... [pauses] as God made you. [Wilson and House exit.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x19 - House vs God"}	foreverdreaming
[Opens with a car chase, cops car chasing another car. Guy gets out of his car, and cop gives chase. They go over a fence, and through a door. The cop is close behind the guy running. Cop coughs a little. Sees a big fence and knows that they guy couldn't go over.] Cop: Gosh, guess he got away. [Knows the guy is hiding, because he coughed a little, and bangs on the dumpster with his night stick.] Babyshoes come out to play? [Laughs] Come on! Hands on your head! Climb out! [Coughs again] [Babyshoes comes out of the dumpster.] Babyshoes: I can't climb out if my hands are on my head. Cop: [Laughs] Just keep 'um where I can see 'um man. Ah, ah come on. [Laughs harder] [Babyshoes jumps out of the dumpster while the cop continues laughing.] Babyshoes: You high popo? Cop: Yeah man, catching morons makes me high! [Keeps laughing] Lift your shirt up by the collar, turn around. [Babyshoes does that, and shows that he has a gn.] Oh, would you look at that! Dude's got a wapon. [Keeps laughing, and giggling] Alright you have the uh, right to remain stupid. [Waves his gn around, and is acting a little crazy] Babyshoes: Watch the gn. Cop: Anything you say will be completely incomprehensible. Babyshoes: Seriously man be careful! Cop: Seriously man? Seriously? Does your mama know what you do? [Babyshoes pulls out his gn and fires, slow motion on the bllet as it hits the cop, and shatters, parts flying up into his face, and one goes into his head right above his eye. Babyshoes runs away as the cop lays on the ground laughing hysterically.] [Chase is holding a paper from an article] Chase: Aww, its sweet, your dad's proud you made the local paper. [Cut to Cameron, once again answering House's E-mail] Cameron: With my article. [Very bitter still] Foreman: Give it a rest! [to Chase] You read what he wrote in the margin? Chase: [Reads] Our friend Lazarus sleeps, but I go that I may wake him up. [Laughs a little] Foreman: Yeah, he's not proud of me, he's proud of Jesus. Everything I do right is God's work; everything I do wrong is my own damn failing. [Chase puts the paper on the table as House walks in] House: Cop with a sense of humor. Differential diagnosis. [Tosses the files out to the ducklings] Guy's in the ER bleeding on everybody. Foreman: Drugs! Chase: He's a cop. Foreman: Good point, how about drugs? House: Tox screen was clean, he did however get ht by a bllet. Just mentioning. Cameron: He was sht? House: No, somebody threw it at him. Chase: I'm thinking trauma, he's got bllet fragments lodged in his brain. Foreman: According to Babyshoes, the cop was laughing before he got sht. Cameron: Babyshoes? Foreman: The guy who sht him. Cameron: Reliable witness. House: His name's Babyshoes, how bad can he be? [He motions to Cameron, and she gives him an x-ray and CT scan film that he puts up on the lighted board he just drug in.] Fragments are in the wrong part of the brain to cause euphoria. So let's expand the search, factor in the cough and the cloudy lungs. Chase: Why are we ignoring the elevated heart rate? Cameron: Because he's in shock. Chase: What if the heart was already fast before he got sht? Foreman: You mean after the footrace? Chase: He's giddy, indicates a blockage of oxygen. Carbon monoxide would elevate the heart rate, cause coughing and impair neurological function. [All this time House has been examining the films] Cameron: He got CO poisoning outdoors? [Very sarcastic] House: Yeah, all 'cause those bastards didn't ratify Koyoto. Or he got CO poisoning indoors, and then moved outdoors before he inhaled enough to make him drop dad. Test his arterial blood gas, if his carboxyhemoglobin levels are higher then 15% stick him in a hyperbaric chamber. [Points to Foreman] You go check the cop car for gas leaks. Foreman: If it was the cop car, his partner would be sick. House: Well maybe she is, just doesn't have as good a sense of humor. Also check his personal car, his work, home, I'll check the precinct. [Cut to the cop, still laughing] Chase: Blood test confirmed you have low-level carbon monoxide poisoning. We're putting you inside a high pressure chamber that [looks at the cop to see that he's still giggling, and play with the various things currently attached to him] you don't really care do you? Cameron: Do you live near a gas supply? Cop: Um, yeah me...after a huge enchilada. [Laughs again, and Chase has to cough to keep from giggling himself.] Chase: Anything toxic you have at your home? Any uh, paint solvents, anything unhygienic? Cop: Uh, no, no I keep a pretty clean home. [Cut to his house, which is a pigsty. It's covered with old food containers, there's trash everywhere, and it's just gross! Foreman is walking though it taking samples and such. Opens a window and climbs out. Checks for a gas leak, but there is none, Sees a pigeon, and tries to open a section of the wall.] [Cut back to the hospital where Chase and Cameron are with the cop in the hyperbaric chamber.] Cameron: If you star having trouble breathing, you can press this button, and the chamber will decompress. Cop: Like this? Chase: Not now, if you have trouble! Cop: [Keeps pressing the button] Ah, it's broken. Chase: [Takes it from him] If you have problems we'll push it for you. [The cop's wrist suddenly twitches inwards, it looks painful] Cop: Ouch! Cameron: Muscle contracture. Chase: How bad does it hurt? Cop: Not at, not at all! [Laughs again, and watches his hand and wrist contract] Looks wild though huh? Chase: Your brain's not getting enough oxygen; you're loosing motor function. We should start this right away. [Looks to Cameron, and she nods] Cop: [Laughs again] Should I be scared? Cameron: No, you probably have a carbon monoxide leak in your place, and we have a guy there checking things out. [Cop stops laughing, and looks a little worried at that.] [Cut to Foreman opening a door, and discovering a pot farm. ] [Cut to the precinct] House: [Bangs a vent with his cane] Sounds ok. Female cop: How about the gas intake valve? House: Looks great. Female cop: It's down in the furnace room. House: Your system's fine, if you had a carbon monoxide leak half the force would be sick. Female cop: Then why are you here? House: I was wondering if you could do me a favor. [Thunks his bag down on a desk, and the woman there looks up at him with a smile.] House: I've uh, I've got a disability. [Hands the cop lots of tickets] Female cop: These are speeding tickets. House: Lot of emergencies. It's feeling better now, but you never know. Female cop: I'll see what we can do. [House hears a man coughing, and looks over, he sees an air conditioning unit] House: Where does your partner sit? [The cop points to the area where the air conditioning unit is.] [Cut to Foreman and House walking back into the hospital.] Foreman: The place is s cesspool. But I don't think I need to test for anything. House: Nope, waste of time. Foreman: You know about the marijuana? House: I've heard rumors since junior high. Foreman: The cop's acting high because he is high. He's got... House: ...Legionaries Disease. It's a good thing Joe got sht; the whole precinct would have got wiped out. Anarchy on the streets... Foreman: ...It takes 48 hours to test for Legionaries. House: And only 2 seconds to recognize that the symptoms fit while staring at the rancid unchanged water of an AC unit. Foreman: Marijuana explains the high carboxy, the cloudy lungs, and the happiness. House: Pot doesn't explain the fact that he's gotten worse since he was admitted. Why don't we agree to disagree; actually why don't we agree that you'll disagree with me while treating him for Legionaries? It's not as pithy, but...[he walks off] Joe: I feel a lot better. The meds are working. Foreman: Hear rate's normal, COHB levels are down, no fever. Take some deep breaths. [Joe does] Joe: You seem disappointed. Foreman: Well I'm glad you're feeling better. Joe: You got a problem with cops? Foreman: Please don't talk. [Chase walks in] Joe: In my experience people who don't just like cops have a reason. Foreman: I need you not to talk. No rouls. Chase: These clouded areas of the upper lobes they're the infiltrates we found yesterday. Joe: Not there anymore? Chase: You're clearing up. You had Legionaries now you don't. Joe: So you didn't, um, you didn't find anything at my place? [It is obvious that something is up, Joe is looking at them funny.] Foreman: Nothing medically relevant. Joe: So there's uh, nothing I need to worry about then. [Foreman walks over to his side, and you can see that Joe is not really looking at him.] Foreman: Not this time. [He and Chase give each other looks, and Foreman turns the board with the films over so that the films are not showing.] Chase: What'cha doing? Foreman: Make sure he sees what's involved. What we found was fairly advanced, these cloudy areas here [points to nothing on the board, but Joe nods] and here. These parts of your lungs simply weren't functioning. [Looks at Joe who has not commented on nothing being there.] Joe: But they're ok now right? [Foreman waves his hand in front of Joe's face, and there is no response.] Joe: Everything's ok now. [Cut to Foreman looking into Joe's eyes.] Jose: I'm fine! [Leans forward, and smacks his head on the machine.] Foreman: You're blind. Joe: I bumped into something that doesn't mean I can't see. Cameron: I'm sure it's frightening, but you only think you... Foreman: ... What's Dr. Cameron wearing? Joe: [Looks over Cameron] Dark blue pants, white shirt, black shoes. Foreman: Oh! Almost, except for the pants, shirt, and shoes. You're blind. [Joe smiles sadly.] [Cut to the office] Chase: He really thinks he can see. Foreman: He can physically see, his brain just can't process it. House: No chance this is a practical joke? Foreman: No way. Anton's blindness indicates damage to both occipital lobes. Cameron: Must be from the trauma. House: bllet fragments just happened to ht the same spot in both lobes? Stroke could cause Anton's blindness and euphoria. Officer Krupkie is clotting in his brain, start heparin to thin the blood, find the clot and yank it out. Foreman: The clot would be at the top of the bilateral vertebral arteries. House: Great! Chase stick your fingers in there, and grope around until you find it. Oh wait! When you turn him into a vegetable then there's gonna be frivolous lawsuits. You know what would be better; contrast MRI? Do we have one of those? Chase: We can't do an MRI, if the bllet fragment's magnetic, they'll move and rip his brain apart. House: Well, let's flip a coin, heads MRI, tails he dies. Foreman: Police issued Kevlar vests don't have the ceramic plate that would shatter a bllet, they would just catch it. So the bllet shattered on its own, meaning Babyshoes was using .38 caliber hollow points, which unfortunately are ferromagnetic. [Cameron looks impressed, and House smirks] House: It's just so cool that you know that! Cameron: We could to an angio to find the clotting. House: Waste of time, the skull creates too much artifact, we'll never get a decent view. Chase: Next best thing to an MRI. House: And a waste of time. Foreman: An angio might show... House: OH GOD...it's a coup! Fine go do your angio, when you're done wasting your time come meet me down in the morgue. [House walks off, and all the ducklings look very confused as to why House would have them meet in the morgue.] [Cut to Joe in a procedure room.] Cameron: We're gonna snake a catheter in your femoral artery and up into your brain so we can check for clots. [Foreman lays a led bib over Joe's lower extremities] Foreman: Keep this on throughout the procedure, unless the pot's already made you sterile. Joe: I have a stressful job. You got no idea. Foreman: I grew up with cops like you. One part bully, nine parts hypocrite. [Cameron looks decidedly uncomfortable, and Foreman goes into the control room, Cameron joins him a moment later.] Cameron: What is wrong with you? Foreman: Just having some fun. Cameron: The man is sick and scared. Foreman: The man is a crooked cop. Cameron: Maybe you should take yourself off the case Foreman. Foreman: You don't have to like someone to be their doctor. [Goes onto the intercom] Hey how you doing there buddy? Just sit still, and we'll have you back out there scaring the crap out of people in no time. [Smiles slightly] Happy? [Cameron gives him a dirty look] [Cut to the morgue, with Chase checking out the angio] House: What did the angio tell us? [House is going through the various freezers, checking on the bodies.] Chase: What are you looking for? House: I called my mom, she didn't pick up. What did the angio tell us? Cameron: That Foreman should be off this case. House: He's a neurologist, unless you think the patient's optic nerve is in his spleen. Cameron: He doesn't like cops. House: [Very sarcastic] Foreman, policemen are our friends. If you and I are against separated shopping... Foreman: I was just busting the guy's chops. House: See! He was just busting the guy's chops. Foreman is essential to solving this case. Medically, what did the angio tell us? Chase: There appears to be some clotting, possibly around the Circle of Willis. Based on the progression of symptoms, the clot is growing. We need to cut into the... House: Saying there appears to be clotting, is like saying there appears to be a traffic jam up ahead. Is it a ten-car pileup? Or just a really slow bus in the center lane, and if it is a bus is it a thrombotic bus, or an embolic bus? Think I pushed that metaphor too far. [While he is talking, he is pulling a corpse out of one freezer. He then walks over to the tray on the side.] Foreman: Angio can't tell us that information. House: Oh, so you're saying it was just a waste of time? Foreman: It gave us some information, without klling him. House: You don't know that an MRI will kll him! Foreman: The bllts have a ferrous base! House: Little tiny pieces trapped in his head, they're not going anywhere! [House puts in ear plugs] Chase: Maybe it's worth attempting surgery to remove the fragments. House: Surgeons say inoperable, and the patient's on blood thinners. Other then that perfect plan. [Pulls a gn out of a plastic bag] Cameron: You got a better plan? House: Much! [sht the corpse in the head, and then looks at the ducklings...Cameron is trying to cover her ears, Chase looks like he's going to run away screaming, and Foreman is grinning] bllet's identical to the one Babyshoes popped Joe with. Let's see how magnetic it is. Guy: Did anyone hear a...[Sees House with the gn] House: I sht him! He's dad! [Sees that Foreman is still grinning, and looks at him funny] [Cut to Chase and Foreman wheeling the gurney with the corpse on it into the MRI suite.] Cameron: The bllet split into four fragments, no exit wounds. House: Only used a half-load of gn. Cameron: It won't be exactly precise comparing the location on an x-ray to an MRI. House: How unprofessional was Foreman? Foreman: Ask him yourself, he's right here. [Very sarcastic, and waves his arms dramatically] Cameron: Worse then usual, better then you. He berated Joe for being a bad cop. House: Berated or humiliated? Cameron: I'm not sure; I didn't have my thesaurus with me. House: One implies he too pleasure in it. I want to know if it was repressed black anger, or just giddiness. Foreman: Whoa! You think I'm sick? House: I think that an appropriate response to watching your boss sht a corpse is not to grin foolishly. Foreman: The fact that I've grown bored by your insanity is proof of nothing. House: [Using the intercom] Dr. Foreman, Dr. Chase requests your assistance! [He sees Chase struggling with the body in the background] [Cuddy walks in] Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shting a corpse. House: Well if I sht a live person, there's a lot more paperwork. Cuddy: Then it won't be a problem for you to stand beside the casket at the wake, and explain why a cancer patient has a bllet hole in his head. House: The man donated his body to science! Yes, it's a tragedy! If I hadn't sht him, his body could have spent the next letting first year med students use the car pool a. Chase: He's set. Cuddy: Do not turn that on House! House: You're mad because I put a bllet in his head. The worst all I'm doing now is taking it out. [He turns the machine on] [Cut to the body, see the bllet fragments moving slowly to the surface of the skull, and then bursting out and breaking the MRI.] [Cuddy gives House a scathing look] House: My bad. [Cut to House's office, he is sitting there, head down, tapping on his cane with his fingers, Foreman is sitting backwards in a chair, looking much like House. Cameron is looking seriously nervous, and sitting on the countertop.] [Chase walks in.] Chase: [Clears throat] They have to, uh, shut down the magnet to fix it. MRI's gonna be out of commission for at least two weeks. [Foreman giggles, and Chase sighs] House: Well it doesn't matter; we obviously can't use it on this patient. Cameron: No, but there are other doctors in this hospital, and other patients. House: That helps explain how they can afford all the fancy equipment. I'm sure not pulling my weight. Foreman: Is doing nothing an option? [Looks at all the others] I'm just saying, maybe the clot will break up on its own; the giddiness seems to have gone away. Chase: The blindness hasn't. House: Echo his heart. Cameron: Looking for what? The problem is obviously neurological. House: Clots are in his brain, the source of the clots may not be. Do a complete transthorasic echocardiogram, maybe we get lucky, maybe the clots are coming from his heart. [They get up and leave, and House watches Foreman carefully] [Cut to the echo screen] Chase: Heart's clean. Cameron: Where else can we look? Chase: We could ultrasound his legs look for a DVT. I need you to move over. [Joe starts to seize a little] Chase: Tachycardia, heart rate's 150 and rising. [Blood starts to pour out of the wounds on Joe's face] Chase: Get the saline wide open! Cameron: He's bleeding out! Foreman: [Standing off to the side, looking at his nails, and speaking very sarcastically] House wanted to thin his blood, sure did a good job! [Cameron looks at his angrily.] Cameron: BP's crashing, he's going into shock! Chase: Intracranial bleeding, we need to relieve the pressure! Cameron: We need a surgical team. [Foreman still stands off to the side, and is now laughing outright] Cameron: Foreman get out! Foreman: Boy is he screwed! We clot his blood...he dies. We thin it...he dies! [Very laughingly, not serious at all, keeps laughing] Am I the only one to find this funny? [Off Chase and Cameron's looks, they are both very concerned, as Foreman keeps laughing] Foreman: Oh man! [Cut to a decontamination room, with lots of suits in it. Camera pans over to reveal people in HAZMAT gear in the room, and Foreman in there without anything on.] Foreman: [Talking to House through the glass] I'm not sick! House: You hear the one about the guy who bled into his brain and had to have a hole drilled into his skull to relieve the pressure? Hilarious! Foreman: Someone laughs they're dying? That's absurd! House: But not funny. Foreman: If I'm not sick, all you're doing is locking me up with the source, I'll get sick prove you right. House: If you're not sick, it's not contagious; you've got nothing to worry about. If you are sick the two of you are staying in here until we find out why. So you might want to make friends with the pig. [Foreman laughs] Good news is I can finally get my MRI. Foreman: No you can't! You blew up the machine! House: Not the portable one, chuckles. [Foreman stops laughing] Chase and Cameron are bringing it to scan your non-bllet riddled head. Foreman: Wher...Where you going? House: To the office, got work to do. Eat your meals, take your temperature every half hour, and any meds I command you to take. Foreman: So I'm just a regular patient now? House: No! You get your own thermometer! [House walks off, and Foreman giggles] [Cut to House's office, where he is drawing some of his own blood. Chase and Cameron walk in] House: Check your blood, anyone with an elevated SED rate gets to be Foreman's new roomie. Cameron: He should be a part of this. House: He's a patient. Cameron: He's not irrational... House: He's not objective. Cameron: He's got the most motivation to get this diagnosed. House: Right, you're not even friends with him, why would you care? There's an area of increased T-2 attenuation is his singular cortex. Chase: Kind of mushy. House: Singular cortex control emotions, this mushy spot explains the euphoria, question is what's causing the mush? Cameron: Question you might want to ask... a neurologist. Foreman is a selfish jerk, but he's a neurologist, and he's the only one who's been in that apartment. House: This is why he shouldn't be here. You wouldn't call him a jerk if he was here. If you think he screwed up at that apartment, you'd keep it to yourself. Cameron: NO! I...! House: Well we'll never know; as long as he's not here, he's just like any other patient. Which means we can dump on him all we want. What's eating the selfish jerk's brain? Chase: West Nile, or Eastern Equine Encephalitis... House: Test Foreman's blood. Given that he's the only one that got it, person to person transmission is less likely then some sort of deadly toxin that Foreman picked up at the guy's home. Who wants to go next? [Looks at both Cameron and Chase, and eventually Cameron turns to go.] House: Whoa! You're ready to sacrifice yourself for a guy that doesn't consider you a friend? Cameron: He's just a patient right? It's the job. [She turns to walk away] House: Hey! You don't have to go anywhere. Joe's apartment is right downstairs in the lab. Foreman brought back samples of everything. Chase: What was that, 'Who wants to go next'? Some kind of test? House: Nope, don't worry you made the right call; Foreman stumbled into whatever it is without knowing, and he's way smarter then you are. [Chase gives him an snide smile, and walks out after Cameron] [Cut to the lab where Cameron is running the samples that Foreman brought back] [Cut to the room where Joe and Foreman are both being kept, Chase is there trying to draw blood from Foreman though a HAZMAT suit, it's not going well] Foreman: OW! Damn Chase! [giggles] You suck at this! Chase: Sorry, it's this damn suit. Foreman: I can do it myself, and I'll throw that out. What'd the MRI show? I can't be a part of the differential, and I can't even know what the differential is? You'd of told any other patient what you found out. Chase: [sighs] MRI showed a lesion on your singular cortex. Foreman: What's he thinking? Chase: Toxin's in the lead, viral's a distant second. Foreman: You think the lesion could be an abscess? Chase: It's just a small soft area, more mush then... Foreman: Was there inflammation in the lining of the ventricles? Chase: There was an increased signal there yeah. [Foreman gets up] What're you thinking? Foreman: Staph infection. Toxins lead to neuro degeneration, which causes the lesion. Chase: Not without a fever. Foreman: The cop had a fever. Mine could be coming; I could've got it directly from him or, dirty dishtowel at his place. Give us Omaya reservoirs deliver linezolid directly into our brains, and we're cured. [Smiles at Chase] [Cut to House's office again, House is moving around and Cameron is talking to him] Cameron: Samples tested negative for toluene, arsenic, and lead. House: What about the blood? Chase: Negative for West Nile, and Eastern Equine. Cameron: We have to go back to Joe's apartment get more samples? House: No one goes back to that place 'til we know what we are looking for. Get some of that cop tape stick it over the doors and the windows. Cameron: I'll take all the hazmat precautions. The chance of infection is next to nothing. House: Yeah, I was never that great a math, but next to nothing is....higher than nothing, right? Cameron: It's not your fault he got sick. Chase: It would be his fault if we did. House: We should get a sample directly from Joe's brain Cameron: We can't do a biopsy, there's too much adema from the bleeding because you gave him heprun. House: Well I don't think that this is the time to be pointing fingers [He pauses, the awesome sauce light bulb has GONE OFF] I didn't give Foreman any. Chase: [Stops and looks at House] You wanna give Foreman a brain biopsy? House: Come on, really, who doesn't? [Cameron and Chase stand in shock and look at each other as though House said he wanted to get it on with Foreman.] Chase: This could be a simple staph infection causing neruo degeneration. House: Without a fever, not a chance. Chase: Joe had a fever! House: He also had legion Ella. Chase: The mush might be forming an abscess. And since there was inflammation in the lining of the ventricles, it makes sense. The staph releases toxins causes neurodegeneration causes a legion. House: This is a waste of time. [He begins to walk to leave the room] Chase: We should put a omaya reservoir in Formen's brain to start administrating antibio? House: If I'm gonna be arguing with Foreman, I may as well do it directly. [Turns around and walks out. Chase turns to look at Cameron.] [Cut to Foremen lying on the bed, checking his temperature. The small beep indicates for him to look at it and he does. (He's so smart). He sighs, looking at the thermometer and begins to move his left leg then his right.] Foreman: Curnick sign negative. Rosinski sign. Single positive. [Looks over at Joe, who is moaning somewhat uncomfortable] Patient Joe Lureia destimal and proximal arm contractures. Duration four seconds. House: [Hits his cane on the window, gaining Foreman's attention] Staph infection most commonly presents on the skin. Foreman: [gets up from the bed and looks at House like he's crazy (which not to negate he isn't)] Most...commonly? You wanna treat me like any other patient, do it. But the House I know never uses phrases like 'most commonly' House: You're not laughing anymore. Foreman: No. [Pause] Think that's a....good thing? House: [Gives his typical "House Snark Unsure" face] Sort of doubt it. Staff would be in your heart, lungs, spleen, liver or kidneys before it gets to your brain. Your organs are clear, it's not staph. Foreman: The infection could be limited to a brain abscess. House: Which I would've seen in your MRI [Sets down the cane and pulls out a paper from his jacket] Sign this so I can take out a piece of your brain. [Puts the paper in the drawer for Foreman to retrieve it] Foreman: [Gets up and walks over to House near the window] Let me see the MRI. House: There was no abscess on the image. Foreman: Let me see it then. House: [Furrows his eyebrows and smirks] I liked you better when you were jolly. [walks over and gets the MRI, placing it on the window for Foreman to look at it.] Foreman: MRI was taken over an hour ago. That soft spot can now be an abscess. House: If it was staph you would have a fever, which you don't! Foreman: [Walks over to the window and puts the thermometer up to the window] 101.6. House: [Looks at it quizzically] What idiot gave you that? Foreman: [pointing the thermometer to House] Put the omaya reservoir in my skull and treat me for the staph. [Cut to Foreman getting the omaya reservoir done on his brain, House and co. is in the same room with him] Foreman: Triangle. Chase: This one? Foreman: [Looking in front of someone and identifying shapes] Uh...Circle. Chase: Next. Foreman: [Stalls] Chase: Foreman why aren't you answering? Is there a problem? Foreman: [Stutters] Uh...Square. House: Tell me your date of birth. Foreman: Is that House? Chase: Yeah. Next? Foreman: Square again. Why is he here? House: Because my neurologist is having surgery! Foeman: I thought I was just another patient. House: You didn't believe that crap did you? [Continues doing the procedure] Date of birth. Foreman: the Ommya reservoir is inserted into the parietal lobe. My spatial recognition is the issue, not my memory. House: Oops! Did you say omaya I swore you said biopsy. Hey I'm just messing with your head. Mother's maidan name, please. Foreman: Get out of my temporal lobe, House. [Cuts into the room where Foreman and Joe are together. Joe is breathing heavily] Joe: Hello? You awake? They told me that somebody was sick like me. Foreman: I'm up. Joe: Your voice. Are you my doctor? Foreman: Not anymore. Joe: You're the guy who doesn't like cops. Foreman: [quiet] Yeah. Joe: Can you see? Foreman: You can't? Joe: Not a thing. Foreman: You've been blind a while. The fact that you're aware of it now, could be a sign of improvement. Joe: [Joe starts crying, clearly in a lot of pain, with shaky breath] It hurts so much doesn't it? Foreman: I'm okay Joe: It's gonna hurt. The morphine barely takes the edge off. I'm gonna die aren't I? Foreman: You die. I die, its not gonna happen. Joe: Why not? Are you just too stubborn to die? Foreman: They took a piece of my brain. Whatever's wrong with us, they'll find it. Joe: Do you believe in prayer? Foreman: [tears up, his voice gets shaky] Not really. Joe: Neither do I. My dad always prays. Foreman: [Whisper] So does mine. Joe: Do you wanna try it? Try praying? Foreman: [Nods his head and whispers] Okay. [Foreman pulls the bed up a little to get comfortable. The scene cuts to House in his office with the lights turned off, playing with a ball on his cane as Woobie Wilson walks in.] Wilson: How is he? House: Still dying. [House continues to play with the ball and doing it with precision] Wilson: [Sighs, looking at House still playing with the ball.] Well you've mastered the another skill though. That's good. Chase: Foreman's biopsy results. None specific signs of inflammation House: That's it? Chase: His result for staph: Negative. He's not even a carrier. House: Well at least Foreman was wrong too. Wilson: Yeah there's that. Cameron: Can I go to Joe's apartment now? House: No. Go back to the lab start retesting all the samples that Foreman collected. Chase: For what? House: Everything. Bacteria, toxins, fungus anything that likes to feast on brain. Chase: That's thousands... House: Then Hurry! Cameron suit up you're gonna monitor Foreman. He's onto hand contractures he'll be on Anton's blindness soon. I want hourly checks because when he does go blind he won't be able to tell us. We'll use the data to construct a timeline so we'll see how far behind on Joe he is. [Everyone stands around for a moment and House looks at them like they're dumbnuts] House: Why are you still here? [Chase and Cameron turn to leave, Woobie Wilson stays] Wilson: You're being cautious. You're being...Common. When you don't give a crap? House: [turns around angrily and interrupts Wilson] How many of your guys have caught cancer from their patients? Let me know when that happens. Then we can have this conversation. Wilson: It's just another case, huh? House: I'll bet you you can even have unprotected sex with your patients without even catching a damn thing. Boy I wish I had your job. [Turns around] [Wilson looks at House for a moment, obviously hurt by what he said raises his eyebrows and goes to turn to walk away. House bangs the end of his cane on the desk.] [Cut to Joe who is obviously in pain, making moaning sounds his heart rate going up.] Cameron: [Looking into Foreman's eyes] Biopsy showed nothing. Foreman: [Watches Cameron turn around] How can it be nothing? You cut out a piece of my brain. Cameron: It's nothing personal we just didn't find anything. Foreman: [Joe is in the background making very loud noises in which he is in excruciating pain] Can you just up his morphine for God's sake? Cameron: [Sighs a little, still turned around] He's already maxed out 20 milligrams per hour. Foreman: What about toxins? Cameron: Everything was negative Foreman: There was a cover above the stove. Did you see it? I didn't check all the food...but it could be listeriosis. Cameron: I didn't go back. [Shines a light in his eye] Follow right. Foreman: Who did? Cameron: House said we shouldn't go. Too dangerous. Foreman: The answer's gotta be in that apartment. Not going is too dangerous! Cameron: I'm sorry. Foreman: You're thankful. If House would've pointed at you instead of me you would've been the one in here. Cameron: Look straight forward tell me when you can see the light. Foreman: It's your JOB to go back, you're a doctor you go where the disease is! Cameron: Say it when you can see the light. Foreman: [yelling] I'm dying and you're sitting here measuring how fast I go? Cameron: [Yelling back] Tell me when you can see the light! Foreman: [Slaps the flashlight out of her hand] My vision is fine! [Cut to the flashlight hits the floor right next to a needle] Cameron: Your left side periphery is reduced! Foreman: It's fine! I'll prove it! [Bends over and picks up the needle and sab her with it] Cameron: Ow! Son of a bitch! [Cameron stands there her hand over the area he sab her with the infected needle, sincerely mortified] Foreman: Now we're both exposed. You got two choices: you can go tell House what just happened and get your own cot board in here or you can go back to that apartment....you save me, the cop...and yourself. [Cut to Chase and House standing outside of the room, House resting his head against the window. You can hear Joe screaming in agony from the pain that he's enduring] Chase: It's not SSPE. I checked your past vaccinations against Joe's none of it matches. Foreman: Does the blood show antibodies for coxackievirus. [Joe continues to get louder as he's going through more pain] Guys could you please shut him up? Chase: he's over his limit on morphine. House: Where's Cameron? Chase: She said she has some stuff to do. Said she'd be back soon. [Joe's in the background screaming 'no' as House looks over at Foreman through the window. The scene cuts to Cameron in front of the apartment suited up and cutting through the covering over the door before she goes inside.] [Cuts to Joe's screaming even louder, the pain evident as his body starts to almost convulse from the immense pain he's enduring. Foreman hits his hand on the box that can transfer items from where House and Chase are over to him, turning around and opening a drawer.] Chase: What are you doing? [Foreman pulls out a needle and takes off the cap. He begins to walk over toward Joe and pull up the IV tube] Chase: [yelling] Foreman! [Chase bangs on the door to try to catch Foreman's attention, Foreman inserts the needle and begins to pull fluid out of the IV] House: Imagine of being constantly reminded of the pain you're about to be in. [Forman looks over at House and Chase and looks back down at Joe] Joe: [Begging] Stop it, please stop it. [Foreman consoles him by placing a hand on his shoulder and whispering "shhh"] Chase: [Hitting the window, yelling] Mainline morphine into his caradic could stop his heart! House: But the pain induced stressed cardio myopathy...either the morphine kills him or the pain does. Chase: [Obviously flabbergasted] You're condoning this? House: I'm certainly not going in there to stop him. [Cuts to Foreman and Joe. Joe now silent and looking at Foreman, obviously in so much pain he's rendered speechless] Foreman: I'm gonna make you feel better. [Cut to Foreman inserting the needle into Joe's neck giving him the injection. Joe lets out a small moan, Chase places his hands on his pretty hair and looks stressed. House just looks like...well...House. Cuts back to Joe growing quiet for a second, Foreman watching him before Joe begins to scream again even louder than all the other bloody times.] [Cuts back to House moving closer to the window and look in.] House: Joe has a new symptom: hypoalgesia. [Cuts to foreman who looks over his shoulder.] [Cuts to House again] House: Infection is spreading into the pain center of the brain. [Cuts to Chase for his reaction then cuts to Foreman as he's looking down at Joe who is bobbling around on the bed like something from 28 Days Later. Foreman turns around and walks over in from of where House and Chase are standing, tossing the needle, eyes wide and scared.] Joe: Ow, please stop, ow...Ow... (you get the idea) Foreman: His brain is telling him that his whole body is in pain because of the location the painkillers do nothing. [Cuts to house looking over at Chase.] House: Suit up. Put the guy in a coma before the pain kills him. [Cuts to Chase looking at House for a moment before going to do the orders. Cuts to Foreman looking at House. House looks at Foreman and shakes his head. Foreman turns around looking at Joe.] [Cuts to Cameron in the apartment walking around picking up items and getting samples. Cuts to Foreman and House back at the hospital] Foreman: What if he uses cedar wood to hide the pot smell? [Ordioprosidium] fungus can grow there. House: Did you find any cedar wood anywhere? Foreman: No. But maybe.., House: Maybe what? [looks at Foreman] maybe somebody can go back and take a second look? And why aren't you pissed off that Cameron's playing hooky while you're life hangs in the balance? [Cuts to Foreman who turns around and begins to walk away.] [Cuts to Chase looking over at him. Cuts to House doing the House 'I'm studying your every move' look] [Cuts back to Cameron holding a garbage bag full of items. Cuts to her exiting out of the apartment.] House: [sitting on the chair] Whyyy doesn't anyone listen to me anymore? Cameron: I decided you were wrong. House: God you're weak. Guy steals your article, tells you you're not his friend. You still wanna risk your life for him. [Cuts to Cameron taking off the suit] Cameron: Foreman broke my skin with a tainted needle. [Cuts back for a House closeup] House: Wow. Cameron: Yeah. House: God you're weak. [Cameron rolls her eyes] Guy tried to kll you. First thing on my list of things do would be to sab him back. sht him. Got a gn in my desk. Last thing would be on my list would be to lie to my boss about it and give the bastard everything he wanted. Cameron: I'm not here for foreman I'm here to save myself. House: Ehh....[bounces head back and forth] Even with a needle stick your chances of infection are pretty slim. That's why you're wearing the suit. You wanted to be here. He just gave you the excuse. What does that guy have to do to make you hate him? [Cuts to Cameron who looks down and grabs the bag. House takes his cane puts it front to her and blocks her from moving on] House: give me the bag. [grabs something out] Mildewed dishtowel. Cameron: to retest for staff House: what is that mouse droppings? Cameron: Mouse droppings. Could carry toxocara. Explain the blindness. House: Now that I recognize as oven crud. Cameron: Could be meat with trichinella. Would explain the high fever. House: What's with rye bread? Cameron: Mold could be responsible for argot poisoning which could explain the contractures. House: There are three loaves. Cameron: So? House: [goes silent for a moment, thinking] You're going back in there. [Cut to house on the phone talking] House: [talking to Cameron] Guy who lives on takeout pizza does not buy three loaves of rye. That's looking too far into the future. [grah mutter] cares about something a lot more than a diet. [cut to Cameron opening the window and going outside] House: You on the roof yet? Cameron: Yeah, I'm here. I don't see any birds. House: Whistle or something. [Cuts to House looking outside] do that come hither thing. [Cameron rolls her eyes and begins to coo and toss bread. Birds come very quickly.] Cameron: Whoa. [Birds come quickly] House: If they came that fast it's their behavior pattern. Joe's been feeding them. Now look down, you see a river of pigeon turd? Cameron: Uhhh...No. There's barely any. House: That sounds weird. He's cheap. Joe's the guy who looks for the easy way. [Cut to Cameron opening the door back into the pot room] House: Probably been stealing cable from his neighbors. Why not steal fertilizer from rats with wings? You see a shovel or a dustpan? [Cut from house back to Cameron in the pot room looking and finding a bucket] Cameron: Found a scraper, it looks used. Sitting on a bucket. House: Bucket full of peigon crap. Perfect home for Cryptococcus neoformans Cameron: [cut to opening the bucket] Yup. House: Fungus enters the brain through the spanyol sinus, where it dances its tripe thread of happiness, blindness and intractable pain. Let's hope this experience teaches our cop a lesson. Don't cut corners when you're growing your pot. See you back home. [Cut back to the hospital] Foreman: I was there I should've found it. Chase: Yeahhh...you could've saved us a lot of time. Foreman: Give me a [something] full of B and [something]. I'll start us both. Chase: I was waiting for the lab confirmation, I haven't heard from House yet. Foreman: Look at his EEG. Beta bands have been increasing steadily since we put him under. Guy's unconscious but still in pain. Chase: Beta bands could indicate at least half a dozen different things. Foreman: [wincing in pain] One of which is pain. The fact that he's no longer screaming makes us feel better. Not nesscisarily him. [Chase nods and turns around to walk away] Foreman: Chase! How's Cameron? Chase: She's not giddy. [Cut to Cameron in the lab] [Cut to Chase in the room administering the drugs] [Cut to house erasing the board] [Cut back to Cameron] [Cut to House playing a wannabe version of la cross with his cane and ball] [Cut back to the lab where the clock dings, and Cameron looks at the results, tries to call but her phone is not in service, she begins to run] Chase: Fever's down. White count's improving. Foreman: Has she said anything to you? Chase: You mean like, 'I can play the understand why Foreman did what he did and I hold no grudge?' Foreman: What I did. Did save my life. [Cuts to Cameron running] [Cuts back to Foreman and Joe whose heart bat is going haywire. Chase tries to suit up, but Foreman begins to chew at his IVs and takes them out] Foreman: Get in here and help, forget the suit! He's tachicarding, white blood count [sigh more mutter against the music] Cameron: It's not crypticoccus Foreman: What? Cameron: House was wrong. The samples were negative [begins to run again] Foreman: So what is it? Cameron: We don't know! Chase: Give him the amio Foreman: We have any more leads? Cameron: Nope. That was our lead. [More people are now coming into the room as Foreman gives Joe a sht through the IV, the sound of his heart rate still increased] Cameron: Foreman! Foreman: The [something] isn't doing anything... Cameron: Foreman! [Joe's heart flatlines] Cameron: He's in [Bfiv?] [Foreman goes to the cart and begins to get the pads ready and shocks Joe with them] Chase: No good ht him again! Foreman: Come on man...come on, Joe Cameron: ht him again! [Foreman begins to groan in pain, and shakes his hand to subside the reaction and hits Joe again with the pads] Chase: Give him an [something or rather]! [Foreman turns around and pulls out the needle and injects the IV again] Foreman: Nothing! [he begins to do CPR on Joe] Cameron: He has multiple system failure. [Foreman continues the CPR reps on Joe's chest] Chase: Foreman. [Cut to house walking in seeing Foreman doing the reps] House: Foreman. Foreman! Time of death. Foreman: No. [continues] House: Time of death. 12:26p.m. [House walks away, Foreman looks like he's going to flip because he thinks he's about to die, and then the thing says TO BE CONTINUED....]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x20 - Euhoria Part 1"}	foreverdreaming
[Cut to House entering Cuddy's office.] House: I need a bone saw. Cuddy: I'm sorry. House: You said you would -- Cuddy: I wish I could House: I just want a little tiny slice of this guy's brain, that's all I need, just enough to tell me what's klling Foreman. Cuddy: A thin slice of Joe's brain could also cause a public health crisis. House: It's not a good idea to scream "fre" every time someone lights a match. Cuddy: Don't downplay this, House. You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates the situation to a biosafety level 3. House: [shivering] Oooh. Level 3. We should call Jack Bauer. Cuddy: I called the CDC. House: Well, tell them we'll be really, really careful. Cuddy: We don't have the proper equipment for you to be really, really careful! You can do whatever you want to Foreman but the CDC will do this autopsy. House: Whatever. The point is, we'll be lucky to get results in three days. Cuddy: I told them how urgent this is - House: -- and they told you... Cuddy: We'll have the results in... three days. House: Ah, that's a shame, because Foreman will never get a chance to know what it was, because he'll be dad in 36 hours. Maybe this is a toxin; maybe it's not contagious at all. You're klling Foreman because of a "maybe." Cuddy: Well, you have 36 hours to figure out which one it is. [Cut to Foreman staring at Joe's corpse.] House: Foreman, c'mere, fast. [He sends a hammer and pick through the window.] Foreman: What's going on? When are they doing the autopsy? House: You're doing it. Now. Ever study how they used to do ice-pick lobotomies? Foreman: Read about it in med school. Why would I - House: Shove an ice-pick into the eye socket just above the tear duct. Bang it a couple of times with the hammer, get a sample. Foreman: What's going on, House? Cuddy: [walking up to House] Foreman, you can't do it! You'd be in violation of - House: Can't do the time if you're not alive. Cuddy: [to a nurse] You - I need you to suit up. Get that equipment away from Dr. Foreman. [Foreman grabs the tools.] House: Take your time, guys! Just tell them to go slow; it won't be your fault. Cuddy: Foreman, we don't even know what kind of contagion we're dealing with. House: Which is why we need to chop into the guy's head. Cuddy: It's dangerous! House: Not to you, Foreman. Cuddy: There are other ways to diagnose you. House: Yeah? You have the answer? [He sees the guys almost suited up.] Foreman, do it now! Cuddy: I am warning you, do not - [Foreman starts to chip away - at the bed.] House: What are you doing? Foreman: That didn't feel right. Cuddy: He's blind. House: He thinks he can see, same as the cop. Foreman: We need something to bag the sample. House: Forget it. You just biopsied a mattress. Foreman: No, no, I'm fine! House, there's the sample, test it! You've gotta test that sample! House: Apparently I was optimistic about the 36 hours. Intractable, unbearable pain is up next. Sure you don't want to reconsider that whole autopsy thing? [Cut to Diagnostics.] Chase: Physically, his eyes are fine. The problem's isolated to his brain. Damage to the occipital lobe which extends from the primary visual cortex to the - Cameron: We should retest him for bacterial meningitis. House: If it was meningitis, we'd all be sick. Cameron: His CSF might show signs of - House: LP's pointless. We already did a brain biopsy, it was negative. [Quick sht of said biopsy.] Chase: Toxic mold. Cameron: If it was toxic mold, I'd be sick. House: How do we know you're not sick? Cameron: Do I seem happy to you? House: Never. [Chase guffaws.] Chase: It was funny. House: Well, let's assume it's not blood-borne. If you start cracking jokes we can reassess. In the meantime, stay away from people and animals that you care about. [Quick sht of Foreman's empty chair.] Cameron: Guillain-Barre. Chase: Neither of them had any sort of paralysis. Cameron: Joe could have died before the paralysis had a chance to present. Chase: What about arbovirus? House: Start treatment. Cameron: For arbovirus? You think our Jersey-bat cop has spent a lot of time exploring deep, dark Africa? House: Treatment for everything - likely or unlikely. If you can think of it, treat for it. Chase: Mixing that many meds will create all sorts of toxic interactions. Cameron: We'll box his liver, trash his kidneys... there's got to be a better way. House: Of course there's a better way! It's that body sitting in the room with him that Cuddy won't let us touch! Bacterials, virals, toxins, fungals, parasites - it's got to be one of them. Cameron: Where are you going? House: To see if I can find another brain to biopsy. [Cut to Chase and Cameron talking to Foreman.] Chase: They're gonna lock Joe up downstairs until the CDC gets here. [since Foreman is staring in Joe's direction] Foreman, you can't see. Foreman: Right. Chase: House wants to start you on some meds. They're in the airlock. Foreman: For what? Chase: Leading candidate is toxic mold. Foreman: Is Cameron sick? Cameron: I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Foreman: [feeling the pills] You're casting the net a little wider than toxic mold, aren't you? Cameron: Guillain-Barre's also on the table. Foreman: There's an oval shape, that's either an L or a 7, I'm guessing an L - levofloxacin, can't rule out bacteria. 800 -- that's the dosage for acyclovir in case it's viral. Square, no, more like a rhombus - that's fluconazole for fungus... there's about eight others here; you're treating me for everything! You've got no idea what I've got! Chase: House thinks this is the best course of action. Foreman: House is desperate. House is never desperate! Cameron: Something we give you will work. Foreman: Yeah, we should start treating all patients this way. When they get sick they just take everything. Chase: It's better than doing nothing. [Foreman swallows all the pills.] [Cut to Foreman lying in bed. His phone rings, and he has to get out of bed and blindly grasp for it.] Foreman: Hello? House: [in a hazmat suit on a hands-free phone] I'm at the cop's place. You have to retrace your steps. Foreman: You don't think the "treat him for everything" approach is enough? House: [taking out Steve] Where did you start your search? Foreman: The kitchen. House: You're going to tell me everything you did, everything you touched. If you went to the john I want to know when and why. Foreman: I started with samples from the mold in his sick. [House lets Steve walk around in the sink, sniff the counter, the fridge, the toilet, etc. We next see House and Steve up in the cop's garden.] House: What next? Foreman: That's it. Then I left. What do we do now? House: Wait for Steve McQueen to get giddy. Foreman: Excellent plan. [Foreman hangs up, and is obviously in pain. He dials another number.] Hey, Dad. It's Eric. I'm not doing too good. [Cut to Wilson entering House's office.] Wilson: How's Foreman? [looks at House's laptop] You're accessing a webcam? House: Cuddy's shower. Are you a fan of the Brazilian? I, hmm... Wilson: Is that your kitchen? House: Well, obviously I couldn't bring him here. He's been exposed to whatever Foreman's got. Wilson: You infected Steve?! Why didn't you just get a rat from the pet store? House: Because I needed one with a clean medical history. Who knows what kind of antibiotics they gave those rats. Wilson: So this is your plan, just sit here and watch your rat all day? House: Eh, it shouldn't take long. Got the AC blasting, I soaked the floor of his cage.... [Wilson looks fairly disgusted.] As soon as he gets sick, I do an autopsy. Wilson: As soon as he's dad. House: Right after he gets sick, there's a good chance he'll get ht in the head with a cane-shaped object. Wilson: Normally you just use your patients as lab rats. It's a nice change. [pulls up a chair] House: First symptom is euphoria. Wilson: How do you know if a rat's euphoric? House: He doesn't usually climb on his water bottle like that, does he? [Cut to House watching Steve while he's on clinic duty.] Mother: The seizures only seem to happen when she's in her car seat. She starts to rock and grunt. House: She responsive? Mother: No, no, it's like she's in a zone. And her abdominal muscles become dystonic. House: Big word. Someone's been on the interweb. Mother: I looked up a few articles on epilepsy. You know, there's actually some really great youth soccer leagues that would cater specifically to her special needs, and I think it might explain why she's been having a hard time in pre-school. House: Well, let's confirm your diagnosis before you have her held back. Strobing lights and high pitched sounds can provoke a seizure. [quickly moving a penlight in front of her eyes] Woooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Girl: You're a goof! House: Takes one to know one, loser! Wait, that means I'm a loser. Scratch that. These episodes, she gets sweaty afterwards? Mother: Soaking wet. House: She seem upset by them or just tired? Mother: No, she kind of thinks it's funny. House: You mix rocking, grunting, sweating, and dystonia with concerned parents and you get an amateur diagnosis of epilepsy. In actuality, all your little girl is doing is saying "yoo hoo" to the hoo-hoo. Mother: She's what? House: Marching the penguin. Ya-ya-ing the sisterhood. Finding Nemo. [The little girl thinks all of these euphemisms are hilarious.] Girl: That was funny. House: It's called gratification disorder. Sort of a misnomer - if one was unable to gratify oneself...that would be a disorder. Mother: [covering the girl's ears] Are you saying she's masturbating? House: I was trying to be discreet - there's a child in the room! Mother: This is horrifying. House: Epilepsy is horrifying. Teach your girl about privacy and she'll be fine. [hands the girl a lollipop] Here you go. Girl: Thank you. [House gives her a high-five.] [Cut to House leaving the clinic.] Cuddy: One afternoon and you're on pace to set the record for most patients seen in a month. House: You're upset that I'm doing clinic hours? Wow, that is so like rain on your wedding day. Cuddy: For the past three hours, I've been on the phone with the CDC while you are wai - House: Yeah, how's that going, by the way? Cuddy: They promised to expedite - House: Tough to do an autopsy when they haven't even picked up the body. Cuddy: It's tough to treat your patient when you're not even on the same floor. Go, clinic is covered. House: I go watch the meds drip into his IV, you think that'll make the treatment work faster? Cuddy: Go to your office, play with your ball, write on your whiteboard, insult your team, do whatever it is you do to figure things out. House: Feeling guilty? It's not too late to change your mind. Go call the CDC, tell them you were just joshin'. Cuddy: Keep avoiding Foreman's case until he dies. Then I'll drown in guilt. [Cut to Cameron wearing a biohazard suit, giving Foreman his meds.] Cameron: Feeling any better? Foreman: How are you doing? Cameron: I'm not the patient. Foreman: Is your sed rate elevated? Cameron: No. So far it looks like I lucked out. Foreman: Cameron. Looks like you left a tourniquet on the bed. Cameron: You can see again? Foreman: Treatment's working. [Cut to House's office.] House: The question is, which treatment? Cameron: We'll start weaning him off, one at a time. Which one do we start with? House: I don't care if you do it alphabetically. Just stay on top of his vision - first sign of regression means we've taken him off the wrong one. [Chase enters.] Chase: Latest bloodwork. Foreman's amylase and lipase levels are three times normal. Cameron: Pancreas is failing. Chase: Toxic side effect of his meds. [Cut to Foreman vomiting. Great.] House: Philosophical question: how do you want to die? Foreman: Old age. House: Your choice is currently between four hours from now and fourteen hours from now, so I'm assuming that means you want the latter. Foreman: The cocktail's working. My vision's almost completely restored. House: The meds are curing what's in your head but they're trashing your pancreas. That's why you're puking and you can't stand up without screaming. Foreman: So lower the dosages. Less stress on my pancreas, still battle the infection. Chase: Lower dosages would still be toxic - Foreman: I don't care! I can handle the pain of the pancreatitis. House: Think you can handle a life without a pancreas? We keep you on these meds, you'll spend the last four hours of your life being able to see. Take you off, you'll go blind again, but it'll give us time to figure out what's eating your brain. Foreman: Fine. What do we do next? Offstage male: Eric? Foreman: Dad? [And so it is - Foreman's father will from hereon be named "Rodney" in the transcript.] House: Yeah, you two can get caught up later. Sir, I need you to come with me. [Cut to Cuddy's office.] Cuddy: House! Uh, what is this? House: He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now. Rodney Foreman, Cuddy. Cuddy, Rodney Foreman. [Cuddy and Rodney shake hands.] Rodney: Nice to meet you, ma'am. House: This is Foreman's dad. Cuddy: Yeah, I got that. House: Dr. Cuddy here is the Dean of Medicine. Remember that cool autopsy I was telling you about, the one that would save your son's life - she's the one who can give us the green light to do it. Rodney: I understand you don't want them to do it? Dr. House didn't seem to know why. Cuddy: Mr. Foreman, I am doing everything I can to get the CDC - House: Won't be soon enough. Cuddy: -- and my decision to follow public health safety protocols - House: Oh, don't blame the rules. Don't hang this on policy and protocol. Cuddy: I'm well aware that it may cost your son his life, just as I am well aware that my decision has a devastating effect on family and friends without having them paraded in front of me. Your son has an unknown, contagious, deadly infection. If we don't contain it here, even more people could be at risk, and I am capable of empathizing with those people, too, without having them paraded in front of me. Rodney: I understand. [Cut to Foreman.] Rodney: What's wrong with your hand? Foreman: It's called a muscle contracture. Rodney: I thought this thing was in your brain. Foreman: It is. It just means that the infection has moved to the primary motor cortex, which controls the muscles. Aren't you glad you sent me to med school? Rodney: Does it hurt? Foreman: No. Rodney: Is it gonna? Foreman: It - the other guy, he didn't seem to suffer too much, he, he just went into sleep. [Cut to the morgue.] Wilson: Steve's still acting normal, no sign of contractures. House: They've got the cop's body in a locked, airtight bag. Wilson: And a guard on the door. Those feds are seriously paranoid. House: He hasn't gotten up to pee in hours, he's due. Wilson: You haven't sprinkled Senokot granules on his donut, his bowels would open up like the Red Sea. House: He wouldn't eat the donut. Wilson: Have you seriously been down here for hours? House: No. I had to pee a couple times. Wilson: You've got to stop blaming Cuddy for this. House: Given that it is her fault, it seems appropriate. Wilson: That part is her fault. The part where somebody wasted his time in a basement plotting the overthrow of a government agency, that one's on you. House: The only thing I can do is think. You can pretty much do that anywhere. As long as no one's bugging me. [Cut to Foreman and his dad.] Rodney: Did you call your brother? Foreman: No. Did you? Rodney: No. Foreman: It's not a big deal. I sure would like to see Mom, though. Rodney: You know she can't travel anymore. Foreman: [near tears] You tell her? Rodney: Why? Just upset her for a while, then she wouldn't remember for a while. Foreman: But she should know. Rodney: She's lost a lot of who she was. She can't deal with something like this. Foreman: And you can? Rodney: I still know you're going to a better place. Foreman: It's easy for you, isn't it? As long as you believe I'm going to a better place, dying ain't so bad. Rodney: I don't want you to be afraid. Foreman: If I'm not afraid to die, then what the hell should I be afraid of, Dad? Rodney: I thought you believed. Foreman: I did. Not so sure anymore. Rodney: I'm going to pray for you, son. I suggest you do the same. [Cue the mid-episode montage. Rodney is praying in the hospital's chapel. Foreman is stuck standing over his sink. Cuddy is crying at her desk. House is watching the feds wheel out Joe's body. His cell rings.] [Cut to Foreman shivering on his bed.] Chase: Field of vision is regression, and he's reached an eight on the pain scale. [Cut to Diagnostics.] Cameron: The disease pattern is following the exact course as Joe's. Chase: Only it's moving much faster in Foreman. House: Good! It's an anomaly, anomalies tell us things. Why would this go faster in Foreman, what's different? Cameron: Could be a different strain of the same disease? House: Right! We were wasting all this time looking for an unknown disease, we should be looking for a different strain of an unknown disease! Chase: Joe's a cop. He's into physical fitness, he could have had a more powerful immune system, stronger metabolism.... Cameron: Foreman's black. House: What? How long have you been sitting on this information? Cameron: Lupus, gout, glaucoma, osteoarthritis, hypertension, diabetes, stop me any time - they all affect black people more than whites. House: Check everything. Bacterials, fungals, toxins, parasites - look for anything with a documented racial disparity. [House looks at Steve's webcam.] Wait. Cameron: The rat's showing symptoms? House: No. He's completely healthy. Maybe that's the difference between Foreman and the cop. [Cut to Cuddy visiting Foreman.] Cuddy: How're you feeling? Foreman: Why're you here? Cuddy: Because you're a friend. And I should be here. Foreman: I'm sorry House used my dad to try to manipulate you. You've got integrity; you're not going to change your mind just because you're confronted by my father. Cuddy: Thank you. Foreman: Just like I'm not going to forgive you just because you're gonna come by here and ask me how I'm feeling. Cuddy: You know I've had no choice. Foreman: Of course you've had a choice! Cuddy: Regulations are clear. Foreman: And the punishment for violating those regulations?! Is it death? Hmm? Because frankly, I'm okay if you get a fine, a suspension, hell, you can spend a couple of years in jail if it saves my life! [House comes by.] House: You're dying too fast. Foreman: Couldn't agree more. House: Hey, Cuddy. Having a nice visit? Cuddy: What's that? House: [tries to speak with a vial in his mouth] Legion - [takes the vial out] Legionella pneumophila. Cuddy: And why are you carrying a vial of it around with you? House: Foreman was perfectly healthy before he got this infection. Our cop wasn't, he had Legionnaire's Disease. Our cop didn't turn into brain food until we cured the legionella. Legionella slowed down the disease. Foreman: Why would that happen? House: No idea. Just know that it did. Cuddy: So you want to infect Foreman? House: You gonna tattle to the CDC? Foreman: The meds can't help me but a disease can? Forget it, just take the pain away and put me under! House: If I put you under I can't monitor your pain. If I can't monitor your pain I can't tell if the legionella's working. Foreman: I'm not consenting to you giving me - [House drops in the vial, which shatters on the floor.] What was that? House: Hmmm, wish there could have been a puff of smoke or something. Would have been much more dramatic. Keep your slippers on, wouldn't want you to cut your foot. [Cut to later - Cameron is keeping an eye on Foreman.] Cameron: Are you feeling any better? Foreman: I can't breathe, I'm dizzy, and I can barely hear anything over the sounds of my lungs crackling. Cameron: That's the legionella. Foreman: Oh. You figure that out from the symptoms or from the vial House tossed into my room? Cameron: I'm trying to be professional here. There's no reason to be nasty. Foreman: I'm in pain. Cameron: So is House. Foreman: And he's a delight! Cameron: He doesn't try to kll his colleagues. [The thermometer in Foreman's mouth beeps.] You can remove the thermometer now. It's down almost a whole degree! How's the pain? Foreman: Great. [coughing] It's the good kind. Cameron: How bad is it compared to an hour ago? Foreman: No worse. [Cut to House in his office.] Wilson: The legionella helping? House: Yeah. Wilson: Good. House: But not great. It didn't fix anything, it just slowed it down. The whole point was to give Steve a little more time to get sick. Wilson: What are you going to do if he never gets sick? House: Brilliant. [Cut to outside of Foreman's room.] House: Cameron, what kind of illnesses affect humans but not rats? Cameron: Why are you asking me that? House: Because I'm sure you spent the first twelve years of your life dreaming of being a vet. The rat is not getting sick. Cameron is not getting sick. Cameron: Sorry. House: It's okay. It's not your fault. Presumably you're still healthy because whatever it is is not blood borne. Steve has no excuse; he did everything that Foreman did. Chase: Some bacterial infections don't affect rats. Cameron: Foreman tested negative for every bacterial infection that would affect his brain. House: And what infections could he be positive for but test negative for? When we test for infections, we look for antibodies. [Cue the CGI graphics!] Now, what if the patient is infected, but has no antibodies - what if the body is not fighting the infection? Cameron: Why would - House: Neh, eh, I asked first. Let's start with the 'what', we'll deal with the 'why' later. Chase: If the body doesn't recognize the infection our tests come back negative and the disease rampages through the body unstopped. House: Exactly like the cop and exactly like Foreman. And what if the patient was then exposed to a second infection, like legionella? The body would recognize that infection, increase the white count, send in the troops to start fighting, and the initial infection would get caught in the crossfire. So the question becomes, what type of bacterial infection affects humans and not rats, and the human body would be unlikely to recognize. [Cut to Foreman, who does not look well at all.] House: The answer is listeria. I'm starting you on amp and gent. [Transcriber's note: that's ampicillin and gentamicin, two antibiotics.] Foreman: So you're basing this theory on the tests being negative and your rat being healthy? House: And the fact that Legionnaire's is helping you. Foreman: But the medicine you wanna give me will put an end to that. House: Yeah. Foreman: And if it's not listeria all the gent will do is cure the Legionnaire's Disease and put whatever is klling me back into overdrive. House: Stop asking me questions based on the premise that I'm wrong. The antibiotics are in the airlock. Foreman: I think the first biopsy didn't give us the answer because you didn't go deep enough. I want you to do a white matter brain biopsy. House: Absolutely. Don't blame you. The world is such a complicated place if you've got higher reasoning skills. I'm often jealous of smaller animals and retrd children. Take the antibiotics. Foreman: There can be minimal damage if it's done right. If the surgeons drill where I tell them to drill. House: One slip, you could spend the rest of your life not being able to keep your drool in your mouth. Foreman: I'd rather be disabled than dad. House: Sure, I make it look oh-so-sexy. It's actually not as glamorous as you may think. Foreman: The biopsy will tell us for sure what's wrong. House: The antibiotics could do the same thing! Foreman: Could! Not will. House: We try it, we see! Foreman: The antibiotics will bring back the pain! House: Pain makes us make bad decisions. Fear of pain is almost as big a motivator. Now look, we still have time. I will do that biopsy if I have to, but not a moment before. [Foreman takes the pills.] [Cut to House entering his office.] House: Start Foreman on IV antibiotics. Where's his dad? Cameron: Where are you supposed to be when your son is dying? House: He's not with him. Cameron: He's in the chapel. [Cut to the chapel.] House: I've started your son on a new course of treatment. If it works, he'll get better. If it doesn't, he won't. While he's not getting better, he's going to experience so much pain that we'll have to put him in a chemically-induced coma while we figure out what to do next. Rodney: My son says you're a manipulative bastard. House: It's a pet name. I call him Dr. Bling. Rodney: I assume you're here for a reason. What do you want from me? House: When your son is in a coma you're the one who's going to have to make the medical decisions for him. Rodney: Oh, whatever you decide is fine. House: You don't care what I do? Rodney: I'm not a doctor, what do I know? Except what Eric tells me. He says you're the best doctor he's ever worked with. [Cut to Cameron checking Foreman's lines.] Foreman: I need your help. Cameron: There's nothing I can give you for the pain. Foreman: I wanna be put out. Cameron: I can have a nurse in here in five minutes. Foreman: No, once I'm out I might not come back. I've never done a will. Cameron: I'll call a lawyer for you. Foreman: I want you to be my medical proxy. All the things that piss me off about you in House's office: too emotional, too caring, too cautious... they're all good things on this floor. Cameron: Your dad is - Foreman: No. Cameron: He cares about you. Foreman: So do you. Cameron: I can't do this. Foreman: We expect family members to make decisions about their loved ones after a ten minute briefing that we're agonizing over even with years of medical experience. Cameron: That's from my article. Foreman: I'm sorry, Allison. I shouldn't have stolen your article, I shouldn't have exposed you. You are a friend, I need to know that we're okay. Cameron: No. I'll be your proxy, but we're not okay. You're scared, you're dying, but that's the only reason you wanna set things right. We're gonna get you better first, and then, if you still want to apologize, I'll be around. I'll call that lawyer. [She meets House on her way out.] House: Any improvements? Cameron: No. As far as we can tell the only improvements the antibiotics are treating is the legionella. I think we need to consider alternate theories. House: Like what? Cameron: We do the biopsy. House: Give the antibiotics more time. Cameron: There is no more time; the pain was almost unbearable already! House: So he's almost in unbearable pain, he's not almost dad, which means we have more time. [Cut to the chapel.] Chase: Mr. Foreman? We need to put your son in a coma. You should be there. Rodney: It's a medical procedure, right? Chase: Yeah, but once we put him out, if we don't solve this, he won't wake up. Rodney: What should I say? Should I talk to him like it's going to be okay? Or should I be saying goodbye? I need to know what people say when - Chase: Just tell him you love him. [Cut to Foreman.] Rodney: Hey, son. Foreman: Hey, Dad. Rodney: It's going to be okay. Foreman: You don't know that. Rodney: I know. Foreman: You don't. Rodney: I don't wanna miss you. Foreman: I love you too, Dad. [Rodney starts to cry.] Hey, it's gonna be okay. Can we do this now? Cameron: Yeah, of course. [as Foreman goes under] I accept your apology. [Cut to House in his office.] Wilson: Why weren't you with Foreman? House: I hang out in the basement, you rag on me. I stay in my office, you rag on me. hnky just can't buy a break. Wilson: Do the biopsy. House: Based on the cop's progression I figure he's got another four hours before - Wilson: You figure? You're playing Russian Roulette but the gn's pointed at him. House: No. Cutting open his head is what's dangerous. Wilson: Oh, it's dangerous. Well, what would people think? The reason you don't see patients is because if you know them, you'll give a crap about them. House: I know you - Wilson: If you give a crap about them, you stop making outrageous calls. If this was any other patient you'd have damned the risks and cut their head open a long time ago. [Cameron enters.] Cameron: He's out. The EEG shows he's still in pain, the antibiotics have had more than enough time, we're doing the brain biopsy. House: Not unless you people can't come up with something clever in the next three hours. Cameron: Now, we're doing it now! House: Well, who died and made you boss? Cameron: Foreman. [Cut to Cuddy's office, where Cuddy is looking at the proxy.] Cuddy: It's legal. House: He's out of his mind! Yesterday he was giggling about a hole in a guy's head. Cuddy: Then hire a laywer and challenge it. In the mean time, Cameron's in charge. Rodney: Why would he sign that? Cameron: It's nothing personal, Mr. Foreman. Rodney: My son doesn't trust me - how exactly is that not personal? Cameron: I'm sorry. House: You're sorry? You're talking about this man's son. You're denying him the right to be a part of - Cuddy: Oh, shut up, House. If you want to do the biopsy, do the biopsy. If House tries to interfere, let me know and I will take care of it. Cameron: Yeah, you're a hero. If it wasn't for you, we'd be cutting into a dad guy's head instead of Foreman's. Sorry. Thanks. [Cut to House and Cameron leaving the clinic.] House: That was great! Cameron: It was rude and unnecessary. House: Yeah. Cameron: Go away. House: Give me time. Cameron: We're out of time. House: An hour. Cameron: What does "out of time" mean? House: His O2 stats are at 94 right now. As long as they're above 90 the danger of fatal arrhythmia doesn't increase. Cameron: So what? There's no point in waiting. House: You were right. We should be cutting into a corpse's head. Cameron: Yeah! We should be, except the CDC has got the cop's body under - House: There's got to be other bodies. Cameron: You think this thing has klled other people? House: No, that apartment was a dump. Just because Steve McQueen didn't get sick doesn't mean some other varmint didn't. You give me an hour, I go back there and find a dad animal, we cut its head open instead of Foreman's. Cameron: Foreman's already at 100% oxygen. Once his O2 stats ht 90, I can't wait any longer. Where's your suit? House: Either you'll find the answer, or I'll find the answer. Doesn't matter. [Cut to Foreman's room.] Chase: Prep the drill. We've gotta be ready if we get the signal. [Cut to House in Joe's apartment. He sees a pigeon outside of his window, and notices that it runs into the wall. His cell rings.] Cameron: 92. House: Found a blind bird. Cameron: Great. How fast can you get it in here? House: I'll know in about 30 seconds. [House corners the bird, but it flies off. He then finds a dripping and rusty pipe. Again, the cell rings.] Cameron: You better have the bird, the surgical team's in place. House: I screwed up. Cameron: How can you not capture a blind bird? House: That's not what I meant. I screwed up the first time through this place. Cameron: Foreman told you everywhere he went. House: It's not where, it's when. He came here in the early afternoon. Me and Steve came two hours too late, you came six hours too early. It's the water, the irrigation system only pumps - Cameron: House, I tested the water, the water's clean! [As Cameron hangs up, Foreman's stats drop to 89. House climbs up a ladder and sees the water reservoir where the pigeons are drinking - they have to be connected. He rings Cameron again.] House. House: We tested the wrong water. He stole cable, he stole fertilizer, and he stole water. [looking at it under a microscope] It's riddled with Naegleria. Cameron: I know. House: You already did the biopsy? Cameron: I thought I had no choice. [Cut to the chapel.] Rodney: How's my son? Cameron: He has primary amoebic meningoencephalitis. It's a parasite that goes through the nose and migrates into the brain, where it feeds on brain cells. The legionella att*cked the parasite, that's why the disease slowed down. Rodney: Is it treatable? Cameron: We started him on an antiparasitic and the amoebas will clear out of his system. Rodney: And then he'll be okay? Cameron: And then we'll wean him out of the coma - Rodney: Will he be okay? Cameron: There'll be no lasting damage from the parasite. Rodney: But the surgery? Cameron: We don't know. [Cue the end of episode montage! Rodney stays by Foreman's side as Cameron, and then Chase, and then Cuddy monitors Foreman's vitals. House is there when Foreman wakes up.] House: Up and at 'em. Cameron: How're you feeling? Can you talk? Foreman: I don't feel anything. Rodney: Are you numb? Foreman: No, I mean, I don't feel any pain. House: Keep your head still and follow my finger. Foreman: I'm okay? House: Your breath stinks, you're peeing into a bag. What are our names? Foreman: You did the biopsy? [Cameron nods.] Thank you. House: Names. Foreman: Cameron, my dad, and the manipulative bastard. House: You remembered. Foreman: How're you doing, Dad? Rodney: Great, relieved... great. Foreman: What did I have? Cameron: [as House is checking Foreman's reflexes] Naegleria. Biopsy showed the amoeba, CDC autopsy eventually found the amoeba, and House found it in the water in the cop's roof. House: Wiggle your left toes. Foreman: Wait, you went back and she did the biopsy? House: Your left toes, Foreman. Foreman: I just did. House: No, you didn't. Rodney: He can't move his toes? House: He can move them. Raise your right arm. [Foreman raises his left. Whoops.] Foreman: What?	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x21 - Euhoria Part 2"}	foreverdreaming
(Scene starts with somebody's eye opening and the sound of a crying baby. The eye spots an alarm clock, it says 6:20) [Brent gets out of bed, cut to scene of him washing his face already dressed, Kara carrying the baby walks over to him in the bathroom, he looks like he's about to throw up] Kara: Honey? Are you alright? Brent: Yeah. Yeah, just fighting off a stomach bug. I'll be fine. Did he sleep ok? Kara: Great. As long as I was holding him. Can't wait for colic to be over. [she goes over to turn on the water in the bathtub] Oh shhh... come on Mikey, bathtub's coming. [she comforts the baby then turns back to Brent] He lifted his head yesterday. Take the day off, I mean you're sick anyway and you hardly ever see him. Or me. Brent: I can't. I got a meeting with Crandall's kitchens; I think that deal's going to close. Kara: They called about the car payment again. Its two months late. Brent: We're going to be fine, honey. Enjoy your bath little man [he kisses the top of the baby's head and then kisses her] [We see him walking down a flight of stairs unsteadily, leaning against the wall and then finally falling and vomiting all over the stairs. He comes back up to the home and puts down his briefcase] Brent: You know honey; I don't think I'm going to go in. I'm coming down with something. Honey? Kara? [he goes into the bathroom where Kara is lying in the tub] Kara? [on closer inspection, her expression is blank, she's having a seizure] Kara! [he notices that the baby has fallen into the tub under the water, he immediately grabs the baby out] Mikey! Mikey! Kara! Mikey! (Scene opens in the hospital, Chase rushes over to meet the EMTs bringing a crying Mikey in, followed by Kara) EMT: 4-week old infant submerged in the bathtub. Don't know how long, non-responsive at the scene. Chase: Obviously breathing now. Continue to blow by stat portable test. EMT: Caucasian female, 32, catatonic seizure in the bathroom. Kara: Where... where am I? [her neck is strapped so that she can't move her head] [The EMTs lift the baby and Kara on to beds] Brent: You're in the hospital, honey, you're in the hospital. Mikey's here and the doctor say he's going to be ok. Chase: Hopefully. He needs to be checked out by the NICU. Kara: What happened? Brent: You passed out. Kara: What? Brent: Mikey fell. Chase: Has your wife had a seizure before? Brent: No. Kara: I can't move my head, I want to see him! Brent: He's right here, honey, he's ok, he's right here. (Scene shifts to House and Wilson walking into the hospital together in the morning) House: Tonight. L Word marathon. Wilson: You watch the L Word? House: On mute. Wilson: I'll pass. [House looks confused] Dinner with Cuddy. House: Still sucking up so she'll fund your play space for the chemo kids? They really ought to save their energy for other things. Like crying. Wilson: She's the suck up. [they get into the lift] House: She asked you? Wilson: She's smart. She knows if she buys me enough alcohol, my defences just might be weakened. House: Doesn't make sense. Unless she ran out of batteries. Wilson: Hey, I'm recently single, she's single. House: You're too nice for her to like you; she's not needy enough for you to like her. She's got an agenda, just not one that includes an appearance by 'little Jimmy'. I'll poll my peeps. [He goes into the conference room] How many of you think that Cuddy asked-- [only Cameron is there] or rather peep. Cameron: Chase got a case in the ER; he wants us to take a look. House: Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the ER. Cameron: Cuddy put him on a 2-week NICU rotation. Patient had an unexplained seizure. House: Seizures are cool to watch, boring to diagnose. What about Foreman? He needs to get his malingering butt back here. Cameron: He almost died. Foreman: Almost being the operative word [walking into the office]. Cameron: Hey. How are you doing? You look great. [Foreman rushes in to hug her... rather uncharacteristically] Foreman: Thanks. I feel great. House: Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. Take mine black, the way I take my brain-damaged neurologists. Foreman: Happy to help. [Cameron and House look suspicious at how chipper Foreman is] Cameron: How are you coming along? House: Tell her everything is great. Neither of us wants to deal with her guilt. Cameron: I don't feel guilty. House: Of course not, hell if people felt guilt every time they accidentally lobotomised a guy... Cameron: I was trying to save his life. House: Yeah, your heart was in the right place. [Foreman can't seem to figure out how to open a packet of coffee] It's just his brain that's not quite where it's supposed to be. [he grabs the packet out of Foreman's hands and tears it open with his teeth] Tell her everything's great. Foreman: It's true. No more left-side right-side reversals, still some short-term memory loss and spatial processing problems but trying not to be too hard on myself. House: Yeah, might pull a muscle. Foreman: We have a case? Cameron: Seizure that can't be explained by epilepsy. And accompanied by elevated calcium levels. House: Still bored. Tell her why. Foreman: Because seizure with mildly elevated calcium is diagnostically simple. It's either hyper parathyroid, cancer or calcium-mediated neurotoxicity. [he's puzzling over how to get the paper filter into the coffee machine] House: Well done. But until you can remember how to make coffee, hands off the patients. Cameron: House. All those reasons this case bores you, the ER has already ruled them out. (Scene cuts to Chase checking on Mikey in the NICU) Chase: [to a nurse] Lungs are clear, get an EEG, confirm that brain functions are ok. House: Can we focus on the task at hand? Why did mommy twitch so hard she tossed the baby in with the bathwater? Chase: You don't need me for this. House: Of course I need you, we're a team. Chase: Polyarteritis nodosa. Inflamed arteries in the brain cause seizures, inflamed arteries in the kidneys cause calcium build-up. House: You're a moron; did you even look at the file? Kidney functions fine. Cameron: Whipple's. [she makes it sound like wibbles] House: What? Cameron: Whipple's. House: Test her. [she walks out] Cameron thinks it starts with a "w"; I'm thinking "v". Chase: Dad vomited this morning, maybe they've both got strep. House: Think you can do a strep throat culture without the swab ending up in the guy's poop chute? Foreman: V for vasoconstriction. House: Gotta be my guess. Foreman: Excess calcium makes blood vessels in the brain clamp down, best case scenario, seizure; worst case, stroke. House: Do a digital subtraction angiogram. Foreman can't tell up from down and Cameron's a girl - all that mechanical stuff. Chase: Sorry, Cuddy says I'm stuck here. (Scene shifts to Cuddy's office) [She comes into the office carrying her bags. She puts her keys and handbag on the desk and takes a box of something out of a paper bag and turns on a lamp. She checks out the box with her back to the door--] House: You're late. [he's lounging on the sofa next to the door and seems to have been there for quite some time] Cuddy: And you are in my locked office. Again. [she hides the box in the handbag] House: What you got there? Special panties for your date with Wilson? Cuddy: It's not a date and it's none of your business. House: It's not a date, it is business. And if it was business, you wouldn't say it was none of my business. Cuddy: What do you want? House: I want to talk about your date with Wilson. Cuddy: It's not a date. House: This is fun. Spring Chase from NICU and I'll shut up about your date. Cuddy: NICU is short-staffed. House: Have you suddenly lost the ability to lie? Nobody's quit NICU in two years. And if you're making up reasons, that means there is no reason. Which means he asked for the assignment, didn't he? Cuddy: If Chase needs a break from you, he should take it. House: Absolutely. (Scene cuts to Cameron and Foreman testing Kara in the MRI machine) Foreman: Both mom and dad are negative for strep. Cameron: You'll be back playing with the big toys soon. Foreman: Or not. Either way I'm fine. Cameron: You don't have to say that. Foreman: It's ok. I can always work in a research lab or teach. Cameron: And you'd be ok with that? Foreman: Why wouldn't I be? Cameron: You were planning on pursuing grants of your own, running a department. Foreman: I'm alive. Changing jobs, not making coffee... if that stuff bothers me now, I don't deserve this second chance. (Scene cuts to Chase in the NICU with Brent) Chase: They say that physical contact helps the healing process. [Brent touches Mikey's hand and the baby stops being fretful] (Scene cuts back and forth between Cameron checking Kara on the MRI machine and the NICU) [Mikey's alarm starts beeping] Brent: What's happening? Chase: Your son's not getting enough oxygen, [to a nurse] take Mr Mason outside. [Kara suddenly screams loudly in pain, her body bending upwards and blood starts spurting out from her vagina on to Cameron] Chase: Lung's collapsed, he's not getting any air, I need an IV catheter! [Kara continues screeching in pain] Foreman: Another seizure? Cameron: [puts her hand on Kara's chest] Her chest muscles aren't contracting, it's something else. Her whole back is spasming, two milligrams of diazepam, stat. [Chase performs a needle thoracostomy on Mikey so he can start breathing again] Nurse: He's ok. Chase: His lung wouldn't have collapsed if he was ok. [Kara still screeching, at this point only her feet and head are still on the bed surface, the rest of her body is bent upwards in pain] Cameron: What the hell is happening? Foreman: I have no idea. (Scene cuts to Chase looking at an x-ray of Mikey's lungs) House: So what causes seizures, hypercalcemia and the thing where mommy bends like Gumby? Chase: A little busy here. House: Oh oh, baby's lungs are going to conk out any minute. Probably want to deal with that. Chase: I'll get right on it as soon as I finish indulging my boss. House: Multi-task. Chase: Chemical pneumonitis. Bubble bath got into the baby's lungs when he was underwater. Start him on prednisone; keep him on high FIO2 [to a nurse]. House: Let the indulging commence. Chase: Lithium could cause all 3 of the mother's symptoms. Cameron: No record she's on lithium. Foreman: And tox screen was negative. House: Lithium doesn't show on a basic tox screen, scarecrow. Foreman: Myelogenous meningitis could also cover everything. House: Rare complications of a rare blood cancer. You're not totally hopeless. Get an S-pep and an MRI for the myelogenous meningitis [to Cameron]. Search the patient's place for lithium [to Foreman]. Baby's lung problem is bacterial, not chemical, start ECMO [to Chase]. While you're searching for the lithium, take a water sample and check the pipes. You want me to write this down for you? [back to Chase] I ask you, he's almost dying, any excuse for not being fun? [Chase follows House down the corridors] Chase: I'm not putting that baby on ECMO, the chance of there being bacteria in bathwater-- House: Why don't you want to work for me? I'm nice, I'm fun at parties. Chase: I'm not working NICU because of you. The baby's x-ray suggests a chemical pneumonitis. House: Not to me. X-ray was too consolidated. So why are you down here? Hoping to expand your make out pool to include the preme to nine-year-old demographic? Chase: I needed a break. From the patients. They lie to us all the time, Foreman almost died trying to save a drug-dealing cop. I just wanted to get away from that for a while. House: What a complete load of crap. What am I a nurse you're trying to prep with this vulnerability thing? Chase: ECMO could kll him. House: You don't start him on ECMO and that infection could rampage through his body like pistons fans after a championship. But you do it your way. Nothing more honest than a dad baby [he gets into the lift] (Scene cuts to Chase explaining to Brent outside the NICU) Chase: ECMO stands for extracorporeal membrane oxygenation; basically we remove your son's blood-- Brent: All of his blood? Chase: We run it through a machine which takes out carbon dioxide and adds oxygen. Then we re-warm the blood and run it back into his body. There is a significant risk of internal haemorrhaging and he may also suffer from-- Brent: You put him on antibiotics; won't that take care of the infection? Chase: Not fast enough. Brent: Are you sure this is Mikey's best sht? Chase: Absolutely. (Scene shifts to House dumping somebody's garbage all over Wilson's desk. Wilson looks a little bored by the outrageousness of it all) [He curiously reaches over to pick up an empty envelope] Wilson: Cuddy's trash? House: Not anymore. Paid good money for it. [he finally finds the empty box that Cuddy was trying to hide that morning] Look at what she bought. Wilson: Red clover. House: What is red clover used for, Dr Wilson? Wilson: Also used to treat asthma, psoriasis, joint pain... House: She doesn't wheeze, flake or ache. And she didn't ask a pulmonologist or a dermatologist for dinner. She invited an oncologist. It's not a date, it's a consult. [Cameron bursts in through the door] Cameron: Mom's MRI was negative for masses, abscesses, there's no sign that she has myelogenous meningitis-- House: Fascinating, call me when we have-- Cameron: She has a subarachnoid bleed. (Scene cuts to House and Cameron walking around the corner back into their conference room) House: So why is our patient bleeding into her brain? Cameron: Her blood workup shows her ProTime's elevated. House: She's bleeding because she's not clotting. So why is she not clotting? [Foreman is in the room] What'd you bring us, daddy? Foreman: The only mood altering drug was vodka, at the back of her drawer. Cameron: Hiding booze is classic alcoholic behaviour, that'd explain the bleeding. Foreman: What bleeding? House: You don't remember? She bled all over you this morning [Foreman looks confused and a little distressed that House is suggesting something he can't remember]. Kidding. Idiots are fun; no wonder every village wants one. Cameron: If she's an alcoholic, she would also be more prone to hypercalcemia. Foreman: But tox screen was negative for alcohol. House: Hey, it was your idea. Now it's even better. Mommy quits, she gets the DTs, it even explains the seizure. Foreman: Also fits conversion disorder. They're deep in debt, he's working round the clock, they got a new baby - I think the seizure was a physical response to psychological stress. House: Boozing mommy covers more symptoms. Put her in a nice Phenobarbital coma before the DTs kll her. [Foreman shrugs and is about to walk out] House: Where are you going? Foreman: To put her in a phenocoma. House: What if I'm wrong? What if daddy's the drunk? Cameron: Do you want us to give her the pheno or not? House: I want him to argue his point! Foreman: I assume you considered the father and ruled him out. House: What's that saying where you ASSume you become a pain in the ass to me? Foreman: Why should I argue? You'd just overrule me. House: Enough! Get a pony or a watermelon farm! Cameron: House! House: I need him to react; I need him to act like a human being. I need him to get over this boring, near-death rebirth. Foreman: I have changed. It's not something you get over. House: Nearly dying changes everything forever. For about 2 months. 2 months is too long, I need the guy I hired back now. Foreman: No matter how much your misery loves company, it's not getting mine. I'll talk to the dad, Cameron can take the mom, we'll figure out if mom was a drinker. House: Waste of time; put her in a coma before the DTs kll her. [Foreman walks out, Cameron gives him a glare before walking out] (Scene cuts to Cuddy and Wilson in a fancy restaurant for their "date") Cuddy: So... is this a separation or...? Wilson: Our lawyers have been hired, friends divvied up. Oddly she didn't fight me for House. Cuddy: [laughs] At least there aren't kids involved. Just have each other to deal with. Wilson: Hmm. If there had been kids, maybe we would have done more of that. Cuddy: Do you want kids? Wilson: Listen, is there anything in particular you wanted to... hospital business or...? Cuddy: Catching up. I mean, you know... it's not like either one of us has anybody to run home to. Wilson: No. [they continue eating, Cuddy looks uncomfortable] (Scene cuts to Kara waking up out of her coma) Cameron: How are you feeling? Kara: Ok. A little groggy. Cameron: There's somebody here to see you. [she steps aside to reveal Brent holding Mikey] Brent: Hey Mikey, mommy's awake. [Kara sits up to hold the baby] Kara: Oh Mikey, oh gosh, I was so scared! Oh... I love you [she kisses him] I love you so much, shh... [she turns to Brent] I'm sorry. Brent: You don't have anything to be sorry about. You were sick. (Scene cuts to Foreman and House at the nurse's station in front of Kara's room) Foreman: Turns out she and her husband met in AA, obviously she slipped. Good call. House: It wasn't hard considering my other choice was your stupid psych theory. [he reaches for his vicodin] Which was not stupid. I'm telling you, I'm going to drop the "N" bmb if I have to. Foreman: [pats House on the back] You're addicted to conflict. House: Did they change the name? Foreman: You could have handled this patient without dragging Chase in but the fact that he didn't want in klled you. [House looks into Kara's room, she's on her side facing away from the glass wall doing something] Just like the fact that you can't get a rise out of me. House: [notices the empty baby crib at the end of Kara's bed] Where's the baby? [he throws his cane away and quickly runs (as well as a crippled man can at any rate) into Kara's room, Foreman hot on his heels] [House pushes the baby crib away, swings around the end of Kara's bed and we can now see Kara is using the blankets and pillows to try and smother her baby. House rescues the baby while Foreman restrains Kara. House listens for Mikey's breathing] House: No breath sounds, crash cart and epi, stat! [he starts giving the baby mouth-to-mouth] I told you your psych theory wasn't stupid. (Scene cuts Brent watching Mikey from outside the NICU, Foreman is with him) Foreman: Your son is sab but the lack of oxygen damaged his kidneys. Brent: She must have rolled over on him by mistake. Foreman: Mr Mason, I was there. Your wife tried to smother your son. Brent: That's impossible. Kara would never hurt Mikey. (Scene shifts to Cameron and Kara) Kara: He knows. They said Mikey knows. Cameron: You hear voices? Kara: They wouldn't quit saying that Mikey would be better off if... they were right. (Scene cuts back to the conference room) Cameron: We've been trying to diagnose a seizure that didn't exist. She faked it when her husband caught her. Foreman: I don't think she faked it. Cameron: She just happened to seize right in the middle of drowning her child? Lucky break for the kid. House: Hey, take it easy on Foreman. He's playing with one lobe tied behind his back. Foreman: Postpartum psychosis makes her want to drown her kid, the internal conflict triggers a seizure. House: You know what else might be a trigger? A physical illness. It's a wild idea, I know especially since she doesn't have any obviously physical symptoms like internal bleeding or excess calcium. Foreman: I'll draw some blood, test for-- House: Ahhhh!! Jesus! You've done it again! Will you argue with me?! Drinkers don't eat right, explains the bleeding and the calcium, this might just be some crazy drunk and I'm telling you that she's about to die of myelogenous meningitis. Cameron: We already tested for-- House: Exactly! It's an insane idea! Foreman: Ok. What do you want me to do? House: Have an original thought. In the meantime, stress her into having another seizure. Foreman: We can't, she's on Haloperidol. House: You also can't because it's dangerous and highly unethical, therefore, if you get caught, pretend you can't make coffee, mental defectives get tons of slack. [he sighs] Take her off the Haloperidol, hook her up to an EEG, flash some lights, make her pant, sh*t her up with a placebo. When she starts twitching, if the machine twitches along its real. If not, call the cops because she's a psycho kller. [Foreman walks out, House walks into his office, Cameron follows] Cameron: Stop pushing him. House: Stop protecting him. Cameron: He needs it. House: Not if he wants to get better. Cameron: He might not be able to get better. House: Well then I need a new neurologist. Cameron: He got sick doing his job. House: Well if he got klled doing his job I wouldn't keep him on the payroll. I don't care how guilty you feel, or how touched you are by his reborn spirit. Cameron: I'm not touched. House: Then you're guilt-ridden. Cameron: I'm not guilt-ridden! House: Then you're pathetic! Cameron: Right now I'm annoyed! Keeping him up all night in a seizure lab is not the way to advance his recovery, it's too much! House: You're right, should stick around, make sure he doesn't screw up. (Cut to Kara, Foreman and Cameron in the seizure lab) Foreman: Kara, look directly into the light. [flashing lights] Keep looking. [to Cameron] Thought you'd be gone for the day. Cameron: Thought I'd wait for the bone marrow biopsy results. Foreman: House sent you to baby-sit me, didn't he? Cameron: He asked me to wait for the results. Foreman: Cameron, its fine. Cameron: 'Course it is. Foreman: Look, a few weeks ago you were upset that I didn't consider you a friend. Now you're upset that I'm happy? Cameron: What can I say? Apparently I'm a bitch. Foreman: Woah! [laughs] I didn't say that. Cameron: It's annoying. Insisting every day of your life is a blessing is basically calling everyone else shallow. Gets old. Foreman: Sorry. Cameron: Oh, give it a rest. (Scene cuts to House barging in on Wilson doing a test of some sort in the lab) House: How was dinner? Wilson: Cuddy did not mention cancer. House: She lost her nerve. Wilson: It was a date. House: What are you doing? Wilson: PCR test. House: You're doing it yourself, in the middle of the night? On a spoon. Cuddy's spoon? Wilson: I'm checking her saliva for cancer markers. House: Yeah. I do that after all my dates too. People think you're the nice one. Wilson: Why are you so worried about Cuddy? House: You go first. You desperately want this to be a date. Wilson: Because the alternative is cancer. House: Just admit that you like her. She's smart, funny, got a zesty bod. I think it's great you can look beyond the fact she's the devil. Wilson: I stole her spoon, you stole her garbage. House: She's my boss. She gets sick, the hospital might replace her, especially if she dies. I'd have to learn how to manipulate someone new. Wilson: Woah. I think I'm going to cry. House: Find me when the results come in. (Scene cuts to Chase and Brent in the NICU) Chase: Mr Mason, because of the damage done to your son's kidneys, his potassium is climbing. It's causing irregular heartbeats. I'm doubling the meds and starting him on dialysis. Unless we get his potassium down, he's going to have a heart attck. (Scene shifts back to the seizure lab) Foreman: Kara, just another few minutes. Cameron: Biopsy's back, she's negative for myelogenous meningitis. Foreman: And she's not seizing. So we're wrong and House is wrong. Cameron: You're ok with that? [alarms start beeping] She's seizing. Foreman: She's not doing anything. Cameron: Brain activity isn't accelerating, it's slowing down. [Kara is grasping and sucking like as if she's a baby drinking milk from the mother's breasts] (Scene cuts to conference room the next day) Cameron: Muscle rigidity, involuntary grasping and sucking motions, she's in an encephalopathic delirium. House: Hmm... a genuine physiological illness that rules out a few things. Like what I wonder? Foreman: Postpartum psychosis and conversion disorder. House: Thing about being a good loser, you're still a loser. Foreman: Ouch. Cameron: The delirium means her brain is shutting down, reverting to its most instinctual functions. House: Since it's progressing, we can assume it's progressive. Which means it won't be long before the brain closes shop altogether. Ideas? (Scene quickly cuts to the NICU, alarms are beeping) Nurse: He's in vfib! Chase: Potassium's still too high. No pulse, get him off the machine. [Nurse hands him paddles] Charge it up to 10. Clear! Nurse: Still in vfib. Chase: [hands the paddles back to her] Another amp of epi! (Scene cuts back to the conference room) House: Chase shouldn't be wasting his time in the NICU. Foreman: Could be Wernicke's. House: No, treatment for Wernicke's is thiamine; we gave her that together with the vino. Cameron: Delirium points to lithium, I know we didn't find any but-- House: She had to be smuggling it in to be getting sicker. Cameron: Whipple's causes encephalopathic delirium. Foreman: Test was negative. Cameron: The test could have been wrong. House: Ideas are not soda cans, recycling sucks. Give me something new and shiny. Or go retro, take an old idea, shine it up, add a new symptom... encephalopathic delirium. Pellagra. Foreman: She drinks. Alcoholics get pellagra. They eat lousy diets so no niacin. House: He agrees with me, what a shock. Foreman: But you're right, lack of niacin starves the brain, neurons shut down, causes seizures, encephalopathic delirium and psychosis. [Chase enters the room] Cameron: We give Kara niacin, she'll come out of her delirium and she'll be totally sane. Chase: Don't think she's ever going to be sane again. Her son just died. (Cut to Brent mourning in the NICU, cut to Foreman in Kara's room) Foreman: How do you feel? Kara: Err... my err... stomach kinda hurts. Foreman: I need to ask you some questions, see how you're doing. Kara: Mmhmm. Foreman: Tell me your name? Kara: Kara Mason, is my son here? Foreman: When were you born? Kara: Please, where is Michael? Is he ok? Foreman: Do you hear any other voices besides mine? Kara: No! Answer me! Foreman: You've been suffering from delusions. They were caused by a vitamin deficiency, pellagra. Made you believe things that were not real. Kara: Like the voices. I err... [she's starting to cry] remember doing things to Mikey... were those real? Foreman: I'm afraid so. Kara: So I... Foreman: You tried to suffocate your son. Kara: But I... you... you stopped me. And err... that... that other doctor, he got Mikey breathing... Foreman: Your son's organs were damaged too severely. He passed away this morning. Kara: [she finally breaks down altogether into grief] Oh nooo! No no no noooo! Noooo! Oh my god, no! Oh my god! [she leans over the side of the bed and suddenly vomits out a lot of blood] (Cut to House and the ducklings in the conference room) Foreman: Pellagra doesn't cause bloody vomit. She's still sick and getting worse. [Chase is staring off into space] House: So... what causes pellagra and crimson spew? [he bangs his cane on the glass wall in front of Chase, shocking him out of his mindless staring] dad baby, while sad, not our problem. Chase: I should have given him more polystyrene. House: You klled him, if you don't get over it, you're going to kll momma too. Cameron: Her alcoholism caused the pellagra, maybe it also explains the vomiting. Gastritis. Foreman: Gastritis meds aren't helping, which may confirm her story she only slipped once. Cameron: You remove the drinking from the equation, internal bleeding, hypercalcemia, seizure and pellagra are all back in. House: [looks at Chase who is still despondent] Chase, would you get your head out of the dad baby's butt and focus on the barely alive-- [he suddenly realises something] How much polystyrene did you give the kid? Chase: One gram. His potassium just kept rising. [House walks out] (Cut to House walking in on Brent cradling the dad baby) House: I need your son. Brent: Who are you? House: Your wife's doctor. Your son may have had the same condition she does. Brent: My son didn't have a condition, she klled him. House: If I biopsy her intestines, she'll bleed out. He obviously won't. Brent: You're not using my son's body to help her. House: Ok. How about trading him for a beer? Or maybe you're more of a whiskey guy. You didn't have strep or stomach bug the morning you came in, you puked because you were hung over. If she was a recovering drunk and slipping most of the time, you'd be right. Brent: So I drink. You're acting like this is my fault. House: People are going to feel sorry for you; they'll tell you that you can't anticipate the unthinkable well the fact is you can. It's just not all that pleasant. Brent: Look, you don't know anything about how-- House: I know that people don't get crazy enough to kll someone without first being crazy enough for someone to notice. How many times did you go out for a drink because she was crying? How many times did you stay at work because you couldn't listen to her telling you what a bad mother she is? You were relieved. When she shut down. She just sat staring for hours at a time. She held the pillow over his head; you slept while she went nuts. Not exactly a draw but-- Brent: What is wrong with you? What kind of a person says those things now? House: Let me do the test. It'll be one less thing for you to feel crappy about. (Scene cuts to House walking back into his office) [Chase broods in a chair but immediately tries to look occupied when House walks in] House: Got a dad baby for you to biopsy. Chase: Let Cameron do it. House: Love working NICU? I can get you transferred. Chase: I told you, I just wanted to trust patients. House: You don't give a crap about patients. [Chase looks fed up and is about to walk out of the room] Your paycheck. [he holds it up out of the pile on his desk] You've been double-dipping. Taking your vacation time here while drawing a salary in NICU. Strange - rich boy doing all that for some extra cash. Chase: [he tries to grab it from House but House pulls it out of his reach] I'm not rich. House: But your dad was; now he's dad. If you're not rich that means that daddy cut you out. [he gives Chase the envelope] Chase: I'm not rich. House: Don't let it change you. And do the test. (Scene cuts to Chase doing the biopsy on the dad baby, the song Over Yonder by the American Boy Choir plays over the scene) [He starts by unwrapping the baby from the cloth] Chase: God of compassion, take Michael into your arms, welcome him into paradise. There will be no sorrow, no weeping and no pain. Peace and joy forevermore. [whispers] I'm sorry. [he continues with the biopsy] (Scene shifts to House playing with a yoyo in his office) [Wilson walks in] Wilson: It was a date. Cuddy's negative for all cancer markers. It was a date. Chase: [walks in] Baby's intestines show slight villus atrophy. [they all walk into the conference room] Wilson: How would a baby have flattened villi? House: He was being treated with polystyrene. Foreman: Polystyrene shouldn't-- House: It didn't. Question is what do they use in the NICU to bind it together? Cameron: Wheat gluten. House: It's great stuff. Unless your body can't tolerate it. Chase: The baby didn't have colic he had celiac disease? House: Just like mom. Celiac can be triggered by all kinds of stress. Bills, childbirth, drunk husband. Every time she had a bowl of pasta or a slice of bread a slosh of soya sauce, her small intestine became more damaged, [CGI of the small intestines and the villi] less able to absorb the vitamins and minerals in her bloodstream. Her body couldn't absorb enough niacin, caused the pellagra. Didn't absorb vitamin K, caused the bleeding. And celiac is why the baby's meds didn't work. His body just couldn't absorb them. Switch mom to IV nutrition, its gluten free, that'll spruce her villi right up. Cameron: No, celiac causes nutritional deprivation. Our patient has excess calcium. House: [to Wilson] Tell them what causes excess calcium. With a chaser bloody vomit. Wilson: Celiac patients are susceptible to cancer of the stomach lining. She has molt lymphoma. House: Well, she's your patient now. [he looks back at the sheet Wilson gave him with the results of Cuddy's PCR test] And it wasn't a date. (Scene cuts to House walking into Cuddy's office) House: You don't have cancer. Cuddy: You don't have dwarfism. House: You have no proof of that. I on the other hand, have this. [he hands her the results sheet] Cuddy: You ran a PCR on me without my consent? House: Hey, it's good news. Cuddy: Really? It's just hard to access because of this overwhelming sense of personal violation. House: Deal with it on your own time. Bad news, oestrogen is too high. Cuddy: No matter how many people you tell otherwise, I am and always have been a woman. Oestrogen is normal. House: Not this much, not for at least for another week. That's when you ovulate. Cuddy: You monitor my periods? Based on when I get bitchy or...? House: Once a month, when you leave the kids cancer ward, your eyes glisten. About three days later, you break your ban on sugar and chow down a bucket of frozen yoghurt in the cafeteria, sprinkles included. Based on the last yoghurt sighting, you've got another week before you ovulate. You're on fertility meds. With red clover as an herbal booster. [Cuddy starts to look upset] And the dinner with Wilson was an audition. It's too bad he didn't land the gig. He would have had fun. Cuddy: I was considering a donation, not a party. House: So... when's our "dinner"? [with accompanying hand gestures] [And the sound of Wilson's voice can be heard outside Cuddy's office talking to her assistant, about to walk in] House: Oh he's going to be so disappointed. Cuddy: Right. You two are going to have a lot of fun with this. [the door opens] Wilson: Your patient won't let me touch her. (Scene cuts to House talking to Kara, sitting by her bedside) Kara: I klled my son. House: Is it my turn to say something obvious now? Oh I know, you were insane. Kara: I did it. I chose to do it. House: Yeah, like diabetics choose to not produce insulin. Listen, someone got sick, someone died. Happens every day. The only difference in this case is it wasn't the same someone. Kara: I could have stopped. I didn't have to listen to those voices. House: Spoken like a true sane person. This is not your fault. You're healthy now... except for the cancer. Kara: Those voices felt as real to me as Michael's hand. Right here when he nursed. And... the smell of his hair... House: You do not deserve to die. Kara: Maybe. I don't want to live. (Scene shifts to House walking out of Kara's room) House: She said no. Foreman: So we get her declared unstable, appoint a medical proxy. House: She was unstable, now she's sane. She's entitled to refuse treatment. Foreman: We have to change her mind, you can't just walk away. House: Fine, go on in there and tell her that every day is a blessing! So you klled your baby, shake it off, think positive! At least you're alive. [he waits for a response] Hmm. Kinda hard to sell when you don't believe it huh? And you never believed it. You just wanted all that crap you went through to mean something, well it didn't mean anything, it never does. Welcome back. Foreman: Why are you doing this to me? I was happy! House: You were aspiring to be content. Foreman: Don't give me a semantic argument. I was content with the way things were! That's what happiness is! House: Yeah, if we're all just satisfied with what we have, what a beautiful world it would be. We'd all slowly starve to death in our own filth, but at least we'd be happy. Listen, I need your self-worth to hang on this job. I need you kicking ass here to be all that lets you rise above being miserable, if waking up in the morning is enough, I don't need you. Foreman: I can live with that. House: No you can't. Not anymore. (Cut to Brent entering Kara's room) Brent: If you got treatment then maybe we could... [long silent pause] When you see Mikey... tell him his dad says he's sorry. (Cut to the elevator doors opening on the ground floor) [Cuddy is met with Wilson and House walking out of the elevator. Bit of an odd moment as Cuddy gives House a look and House steps back to let Cuddy in first. Wilson notices the look and is immediately suspicious as Cuddy walks into the elevator and they walk out] House: Hi. Wilson: Bye. House: Bye. Cuddy: Bye. [House wets his lips with his tongue as they walk out, Wilson looks shocked and grimaces before turning to face House - absolutely hilarious moment] Wilson: Did you tell Cuddy that we tested her for cancer? House: Yeah. Wilson: And? House: It wasn't a date. [Wilson narrows his eyes] Turned out she had some skin lesions, guess there was no genetic predisposition. [Wilson looks a little suspicious but lets it pass] Wilson: You tivo The L Word? (Episode ends with Foreman using cards of paper to try and memorise medical terms. He can't seem to remember them at all and throws them down in frustration. Cameron is watching from the doorway and then walks out. Foreman tries again and this time he smiles with success)	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x22 - Forever"}	foreverdreaming
[Opens on an airplane. Leona, a teenage girl, is listening to a piano jazz version of "When the Saints Go Marching In" on some headphones. Sitting next to her is her father, Crandall.] Leona: I know that one. I was at the studio when Grandfather recorded it. Crandall: Thinking about your mom? Leona: Mama, everything, my whole life. It was all a lie. I never knew you; I never knew you were my dad. Crandall: Your life's going to be okay, Leona. You're a good kid, you've got it together. You survived the last eight months on your own. You're not your grandfather or your mom. You're not going to make the same mistakes they did. I'm proud that I'm your father. [The line repeats in Leona's head.] I'm glad I'm getting this chance. [Leona looks, and sees water spilling from the cabin door.] Leona: We gotta go! Get out of here! Crandall: Leona! [Leona sees a large torrent of water swallow everyone, but there isn't any water in the plane. CGI of Leona's heart. She collapses.] Leona! [House's residence. He's pacing, and then sinks into a chair rubbing his leg. He takes a few Vicodin, and then continues to pace. However, he's still in considerable pain. He climbs onto a bookshelf, and finds a box. As he opens it, his phone rings.] House's answering machine: You've reached a number that has been disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you've reached this recording in error, go ahead, hang up on three. One, two, [beep!] [As this is going on, House opens the box, which is full of syringes and bottles of morphine, and begins to tie a rubber strap around his arm.] Cuddy's voice: House, pick up. I know it's your day off, and you've no doubt got lots of exciting plans, but I've got a case. 16-year-old girl presenting with cardiogenic shock. [House is about to sh*t up until he hears...] No heart attck. [Cut to hallway in the hospital.] Cuddy: Her heart looks fine. ER did a full cardiac workup. Tox screen's clean, blood work show's no infection - House: All on the top page. I'm a real good reader. Personal chart handoff means there's something else. I'm hoping it's not personal. Cuddy: The guy who brought the girl in says he knows you. I thought I'd met all your friend. I was also wondering if you could take a look at these, when you have a chance. [gives him an envelope] No hurry, it's just a couple of medical histories, one with a minor cancer concern - House: No problem. Crandall: G-man! [He runs toward House as though he's going to hug him, but stops.] You thought I was going to do it, didn't you? House: Do I know you? Crandall: Come on, it's me, Crandall! House: Doesn't ring a bell. Crandall: Man, I can't believe you didn't - House: Unless you mean Dylan Crandall, the man who'll believe anything. See, I just made you believe that I.... Crandall: You haven't changed. Heard about your leg. House: Yeah, pulled a hamstring playing Twister. Just gonna walk it off. So, who's the girl? Crandall: Jesse Baker's granddaughter. You always said you'd give your right hand to play like him. House: No, I said I'd give my right hand to have his left. Why is she with you? Crandall: She lost her mom in Katrina, her home, everything. House: Wow. Crandall: And I'm her father. House: Hmmm... yeah. She looks just like you. [Best to point out now that Crandall is white and Leona is black.] Got the same 'fro. Crandall: I wrote a book about Baker, hung out with him - his daughter. House: Yeah, that's how babies are made. Crandall: I never knew, she never knew. Her mom lied for sixteen years. House: That's unbelievable. Crandall: Yeah. House: Seriously, I don't believe it. Crandall: Her mom was pissed at me about my book; I trashed her and her dad. She wouldn't talk to me; obviously, she's not going to tell Leona that - House: You're a sucker. You always were. Crandall: Does that mean you're not going to help her? House: Why wouldn't I? She's not scamming me. [Diagnostics.] Chase: Acute myocardial infarction? House: ER said no. Retest. Cameron: Wolff-Parkinson White syndrome? House: ER said no. Retest, and read the damn file. Cameron: You just gave them to us. Foreman: Delta wave on the EKG looks like - House: It's all a 'no.' Everything about her heart is healthy. Cameron: She's a Katrina victim! House: It's better than Crandall. He's a Katrina victim victim. Chase: I don't think she was expecting your sympathy. I think her point was New Orleans was a third-world country: toxins, mold, sewage in the streets... House: What if her heart is like my bike? Runs like crap when I'm by myself, but take it to the mechanic and it runs great? Foreman: An arrhythmia, a one time event. Cameron: What are we going to do, keep her in a room on a cardiac monitor until she has another arrhythmia? That could be weeks, months! [While she says this, we see House clutching his leg.] House: Relax, I happen to know she's going to have one right after lunch. We are golden. Cameron: You can't induce an arrhythmia in someone who's heart gave out nearly 48 house ago. House: Sure you can, but it's kinda technical - you stick all these cool little wires inside her somehow, and - Cameron: I mean you shouldn't. House: Oh, right, because it would be much more ethical to let it happen in an uncontrolled setting. There's always a team of cardiologists sitting at the next table, this is Jersey! She's a minor, she's going to need consent. Cameron: I'll go talk to him. House: Oh, that's an excellent plan! You'll give him the form and tell him it's wrong and dangerous. Cameron: I can handle a simple consent form. House: Okay, I'll be Crandall. Dr. Cameron - Foreman: House, from what you say, this guy will trust us - House: Are you in this scene? Go. Cameron: I'd like to talk to you about a procedure we'd like to do on Leona. House: Like to do? Is this fun for you? Cameron: He's not you! He's not going to mock me. House: Stay in character! I'm so scared. Hold me. Cameron: In order to figure out which circuit is misfiring, we need to map all the electrical activity in her heart. House: Swear to me on the Bible you'd do this if it was your kid. Good-bye. [Cut to House talking to Crandall.] House: It's a map of the electrical pathways of the heart. We send electricity to each, one at a time, until one fails. Crandall: It sounds dangerous. House: It's a risk I am prepared to take. Crandall: If she's got an electrical problem, couldn't more electricity blow her whole system? House: Well, who's been watching Bill Nye the Science Guy? The test is perfectly safe. We do it every day. [as Crandall prepares to sign] And you believe me. Crandall: I shouldn't do the test? House: It's crazy dangerous. Just sign the damn form. [hands Crandall a tissue] Crandall: I'm not crying, I can handle this. House: Blow your nose. I need DNA from somewhere. Crandall: You're not running a paternity test. House: She's going to stay around just long enough to get your bank account, your credit card numbers and then she's going to be off with her next daddy. Crandall: What she's been through... why would you assume - House: Because of what she's been through. Crandall: Because that's your default position, always has been! House: Because she's still alive! Raised by a junkie, living off the streets, that tends to kick the sweetness out of you. Crandall: Figured you'd have mellowed. House: That's because you're an idiot. Crandall: If I let you do the test, it means I don't trust her. House: No, it means I don't trust her. [Cut to Leona being put under.] Leona: 100, 99, 98... Chase: She's out. Cameron: Heart rhythm's normal. Insert the first catheter. Chase: I'm in. [CG of the catheter entering the heart.] Cameron: All rhythms still normal. Chase: Haven't zapped her yet. Cameron: Send the first electrical pulse. Chase: Sinoatrial node is normal House: Next! [Leona fidgets, and the monitors beep.] Chase: Got supraventricular tachycardia. Foreman: Stop the current. House: Is she hallucinating? Chase: IV push stat 12.5 of denozine. Cameron: She's crashing. BP's plummeting. House: Foreman, is she hallucinating? Foreman: No, normal waves. House: Then the AV node is not the bad pathway. All that was was a heart attck. Reset her so we can find the real problem. Foreman: Charging... clear! [They shock her.] Chase: Normal rhythm. House: Chase, high right atrium, please. Chase: Her heart's fragile after that last attck. The chances of tachycardia - House: You have my permission to blame Foreman at any negligence trial. Cameron: Send the electrical pulse. Foreman: That's the one; she's hallucinating. Chase: It's near the coronary sinus. House: Freeze it. [Chase presses a button, and CG graphics show the catheter freezing the damaged heart muscle.] Chase: Damaged heart muscle gone. [something] complete. Foreman: EEG's back to normal. No hallucinations. House: She'll be fine by breakfast. [Cut to Cuddy's office. House enters, holding the files that Cuddy gave him previously.] House: Interesting reading. Cuddy: Those are my top two choices for sperm donors. I wanted your medical opinion on genetics. House: They're losers. Cuddy: Uh, medically, or - House: Donor 1284 likes square dancing. No one likes square dancing. 613 has been practicing medicine for five minutes, calls himself a healer. Loves Mozart. Cuddy: I'm not going dancing with them, I'm looking for healthy sperm. He's got four living grandparents - House: Who they are, what they do, that doesn't matter? Cuddy: I'm leaning toward 613. House: Oh, sure. Go with the Jewish number. Cuddy: 1284 has a cousin that tested positive for the BRACA gene - House: But his mother was negative, which means so's your baby. Cuddy: What about the - House: The Mediterranean-Dutch factor on the dad's side? It's not a problem, because his dad's mother didn't carry the thalassemia gene. Bigger issue is the jerk composer genes. This Mozart lie - Cuddy: People can't like Classical music? House: You're designing a kid, a loser kid! He's already getting pummeled at recess. Cuddy: Here, knock yourself out. Go find sperm that can bat up 613's kids. And thanks for your help. House: Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just 'cause they haven't found the gene yet... [Cut to Leona, sleeping in her room.] Woman's voice: Could I have some water please? Hello? I just need some water. Is anyone there? [Leona gets up, and moves the curtains around the bed. In the next bed, she hallucinates a woman with water rushing over her, dirty and covered in plants and bugs.] Leona: Mama? [She wakes up, screaming.] [Cut to House, pacing outside Diagnosics.] [Inside -- ] Cameron: Second hallucination means we didn't fix her heart. Maybe we missed something. Chase: Her heart's fine. If she hallucinated, it wasn't caused by her heart. Foreman: If? The screaming, the floundering... it was a hallucination. House: [poking his head in] What if it wasn't a hallucination? Cameron: We covered - House: Not finished. What if it was an atypical seizure? Foreman: Seizure? She saw her mother. Mother's dad. Ergo, hallucination. [House leaves.] Chase: Anyone want to explain that? Cameron: His leg hurts. Walking takes his mind off of it. [House enters again.] House: Flashback. All that wind and rain from the hurricane, post traumatic stress syndrome. Cameron: Why are you so bent on her not having a hallucination? House: If she did have a hallucination, then the heart problem that we predicted, found, and fixed was just a gigantic coincidence. [He leaves again.] Chase: His leg always hurts. Cameron: It's getting worse. House: [yelling through the wall] What if the heart isn't a coincidence and isn't what caused the hallucination? An arrhythmia hurts. What if her hallucination was caused by pain? What if she has a pain that translates pain into a bizarre, physiological response, like a hallucination? Cameron: She has an autoimmune disease. She needs a CRP, a rheumatoid factor, a - House: I can prove an autoimmune disease in five minutes. She needs a PET scan. Foreman: You can't test for autoimmune in a PET scan - House: I'm proving that her hallucinations are a consistant response to pain, which proves that she has an autoimmune disease. Cameron: How do you test someone's response to pain? House: Easy. Hurt them. [Cut to House strapping Leona into the PET scan machine.] House: It's not going to hurt at all. We just need to make sure you don't move. Leona: I won't. House: Okay, give me your arm. Let's check your muscle responses. Okay, turn it over, arm upward. Everything okay? Leona: Yeah. [House sticks her finger with a needle.] OW! Crandall: What the hell was that? Foreman: Diagnostic test. Cerebral cortex responding normally, she's not hallucinating. House: You know he's not your father, don't you? Leona: He's my dad. Mama told me. House: I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hurt you. [He sticks her again in the leg.] Crandall: House, leave her alone! House: Come on, we both know it's a hustle. Are the walls closing in? Leona: No, why are you doing this? House: Spiders coming out of my nose? Leona: Let me out. Foreman: House, the test is over. Dorsolateral prefrontal cortex is fine. House: Give me your hand. Leona: No! House: Give me your hand! [He bends one of her fingers back.] Forget it, he's not the perfect mark because he was the perfect mark. Plenty of people got there before you. He's used up, tainted. Pumped dry. [Leona starts to scream, because she sees House's face melt away.] Foreman: She's hallucinating. [Cut to Cameron and House walking.] Cameron: She's lost everything, and you're breaking fingers. A new low. House: Diagnostically, she needed to be hurt. I wanted to hurt her. Win-win. What I didn't consider was the threshold to trigger the hallucinations, otherwise I would have done the fingerbending first instead of sab her twice. That was cruel. Cameron: For autoimmune diseases this advanced, usual treatment's not going to help. Foreman: We don't even know what autoimmune disease she has. Could be Lambert-Eaton, could be [something]. House: Good point. Let's kll them all at once. Cameron: The only way to do that is to replace her entire immune system. House: Good point. Let's do that. Chase: Bone marrow transplant requires an exact match. Leona has no siblings. House: Good point. She's all alone, poor thing, no one in the whole, wide world. [Cut to House putting a CD that goes along with Crandall's book. Piano jazz plays until -- ] Jesse Baker: I asked for this tuned! Did you get this instrument tuned? [Crandall enters.] Crandall: If my daughter needs bone marrow, why are you looking at a bone marrow registry? House: Because that's where they keep the bone marrow. Crandall: I'm her father! House: How does someone who believes absolutely everything become a nonfiction writer? Crandall: Test my bone marrow. House: Here's how this is going to end: One day you'll be sitting at your computer writing one of your little music books, and your daughter will come home with a big, angry policeman who will throw you in jail because, "Daddy touched my poozle." Crandall: Test me. House: Happy to. Crandall: Just my marrow - I'm not authorizing a paternity test. House: You're not afraid of the truth? Crandall: I know the truth! House: Easy lay feigns truth, and says she needs a bus ticket home to visit her sick grandma. You gave her a hundred bucks. She bought weed. I know, because I told her you'd go for the sick grandma story. Crandall: If our friendship means anything to you - House: Come on, do you know me at all? Crandall: If you do the test, one of two things happens: either you're right, or I'm right. If you're right, I'll be miserable, and if I'm right, I'll hate myself because I didn't trust her! Either way, I lose. [Cut to the clinic. A mother takes the shirt off of her son, who has red splotches over his chest and face.] Mother: They don't itch. Not raise. He's had his MMR; no one's sick at school. His father took him camping. Son: We caught two spiders. Mother: You didn't tell me about the spiders! House: Did you get a new couch? Mother: Do you think there might be some sort of toxin? House: What color is it? Son: Red. House: Is that where you watch your cartoons after you take your bath? Son: Mm hmm! [He wipes the kid's chest with a wet washcloth, which turns red.] House: Fall asleep sometimes? Son: [sneezes] Yes. House: Bless you. [Cuddy enters.] Cuddy: Need you. Now. House: Yes, mistress. I'll write you a prescription for one of these. Just wet and apply. [Cut to Cuddy's office.] Cuddy: You didn't tell anyone else what I'm doing? House: Not a soul. Cuddy: Wilson? Cameron, maybe you mentioned it to her? House: No, I'm a really good secret keeper. I never told anyone that Wilson wets his bed. Cuddy: Part of the protocol for in vitro fertilization is twice-daily injections of menotropins. I can't do it myself. House: Turn around. Cuddy: No clever comments about bending over? House: Not unless you want me to. Cuddy: I'm just not use to House the professional. [House is transfixed by Cuddy's behind.] House: I was just thinking about what your mother looked like, because your father obviously chose her for breeding purposes - Cuddy: Shut up. House: Natural selection sucks. We pick our mates based on breast size, cars they drive.... They did autopsies on married couples and found correlations in pancreas size. We're hardwired to pick for stupid reasons, you have the chance to pick for smart reasons. Cuddy: I think the Germans had a similar theory about 60 years ago. House: I'm not advocating wiping out entire races, I'm just saying you don't want to mate with the first plastic cup that buys you a drink. [All this time, he's wiping a patch with a alcohol swab.] Cuddy: I'm pretty sure you've got that. House: Microbes can be sneaky. Cuddy: Ow! Thanks. House: Twice a day. This is going to be fun. [Cut to Leona undergoing radiation treatment.] Wilson: I got it. [Radiation tech leaves.] So why were you friends with this guy? House: We were 20 years old, he had a car. If he had been a woman, I would have married him. Wilson: Is he a match? House: No. Lying girl lucked out and found one in the registry. Wilson: Is he the dad? House: I don't think so. Wilson: You didn't run the test? House: Said I wouldn't. Wilson: Okay, so either you lied or he has pictures of you... being nice? House: Stop the radiation. [House rushes in to find black sludge trickling out of Leona's mouth.] Wilson: What the hell is that? House: I have no idea. [Cut to House pacing. The team walks up.] Chase: Lab results from the black ooze. You're not going to believe it. House: She pooped out of her mouth. Cameron: The sample contained stool and digestive blood, how did you guess? House: 'Cause it oozed; if it was in her stomach it would have sprayed, if it was in her lungs she would have coughed. This oozed, as in squeezed, as in reverse peristalsis. Who's hungry, Mexican takeout? Chase: In order for there to be digestive blood in her intestines there had to be internal bleeding. Cameron: Yeah, and for whatever in her intestines to come back up there had to be a blockage. Foreman: Liver failure. Renal proteins that clot the blood so it would clot the blood and mess up her intestines. House: Means oops, we were wrong, because no autoimmune disease shuts down an organ in two hours. We need to do a liver biopsy, find out what the real problem is. [Cut to Leona's room, where Crandall is sitting by her side. House pokes his head in.] House: Hey, need to talk to you. The good news is she doesn't have an autoimmune condition, so she doesn't need a bone marrow transplant and we were able to stop the radiation in time. The bad news: she has potty mouth. Her liver is failing, she's made her digestive system go in reverse. It's actually much worse than it sounds. We need to do a liver biopsy. I don't know what's going to happen when we stick a needle into her liver, but she could die right then and there. Crandall: You need to tell me what to do. House: No inside information on this one. But Crandall, three days ago you didn't even know this girl. If she'd been ht by a bus you wouldn't lose a moment's sleep. There are people all over this hospital who are in just as much trouble and just as not related to you. Crandall: You telling me I shouldn't care? Prep me to handle it, in case she dies? [Cut to House listening to more of Jesse Baker's music in his office. Wilson enters with some food.] House: It's brown, it's lumpy... I'm going to heave all over my desk. Wilson: Chicken mole. 21 herbs and spices. I find it very comforting, you defending a man you haven't seen in years. To know my friend, no matter what, will always be my champion, my protector. House: I'm not protecting him, I'm smacking her. Wilson: The modesty of a true hero. House: Push me and I'll let her die, just so you'll stop annoying me. Wilson: Here's my theory: you're jealous. He's maturing, he's accepting responsibility, you're emotionally stuck at seventeen. House: He's manufacturing responsibility, he's not maturing. He hasn't changed at all. Wilson: So then, why do you care? House: That black ooze we saw? That was a bowel movement. Out of her mouth. Wilson: You're trying to end this conversation by grossing me out? I'm an oncologist. Half of my patients have their skin schleffing off. Why are you so worried about this guy? House: He was having a rough time with his girlfriend. He was in love, he was always in love. He wanted to marry her, but I thought she was flaky, sending mixed signals. Wilson: So, you gave him advice and she dumped him. House: No, I told him that I would talk to her. Wilson: And you blew it? House: Technically... [makes a reversing hand gesture] I was doing him a favor, she was nuts! [Wilson leaves in disgust, leaving the food, which House eats. He turns on the music, but turns it off again. Epiphany time!] [Cut to Foreman and Chase doing the liver biopsy. Foreman's pager beeps.] Foreman: Stop the biopsy. Chase: I'm right at her liver. Foreman: It's House. He says stop. [Cut to House's office, where he's got the music going again.] House: Check it out. Foreman: Please tell me you didn't have us stop the biopsy to check out some tunes! House: His left hand is very subtle, very delicate. Cameron: This girl is dying. House: Be dying a lot faster if I let you do that obviously unnecessary biopsy. Now listen. Jesse Baker: I asked for this tuned! Did you get this instrument tuned? Foreman: My God! Grandpa was an angry drunk, if only we'd known! House: Here's how to become a great artist. First, get miserable. Misery drives you to become a great artist, but the art does nothing for your misery, which drives you to drugs, which makes you a lousy artist, and this is not lousy. Chase: You're saying he didn't do drugs? House: Not when he played this. Something was screwing with his personality. Foreman: Yeah, drugs and alcohol don't do that. House: And that note that he says is out of tune, it's not, which means that something is screwing with his aural perception, too. Now, what happens when you add all that to the liver disease, which he supposedly died of? Cameron: Too much iron. He could have had hemocromatosis, that's genetic. Foreman: Unless you can tell me Miles Davis couldn't play stoned - House: Played better when he wasn't. I think, I mean, no one knows for sure. Cameron: I'll get Leona a TIBC and [something]. House: We can test this in three minutes. [Cut to Leona's room.] House: So, what is she, Foreman? Light-skinned black chick or dark-skinned white chick? Foreman: Not sure. Can we hear the music again? Chase: It's too early to see jaundice from the liver. House: True. This is a photograph of Leona when she was 13 years old. She's darker now. Cameron: She's been living on the streets for eight months. House: No tan line, so unless those streets she's been living on are indoor streets, I'm thinking she's got iron deposits in her melanin, both byproducts of hemocromatosis, just like Granddad used to make. SQUID exam to calculate the amount of iron in her blood. And treat her with deferoxamine, she'll be fine by lunch. 'Cause, you see, I was wrong before, about the breakfast.... [Cut to Foreman monitoring the exam on Leona.] Foreman: There's the iron, and lots of it. [Cut to House interviewing some guy.] Patrick: I'm not going to get this job, am I? House: It's a done deal. I knew it the moment I saw you. Interview's just a formality. Cuddy: House, what are you - House: Lisa Cuddy, this is Patrick Glidahan. Patrick's going to be the new intern rotating in my department. Cuddy: I didn't even know you were looking for one, nice to meet you. [He laughs, complete with snort.] Patrick: Sorry. I laugh when I'm nervous. House: Bet you've been doing that your whole life, huh? Cuddy: What kind of medicine are you interested in, Patrick? Patrick: Cancer, infectious disease, the big devils. I think that medicine has become too institutionalized. We need to send a message to our patients that we're just like them. I mean, we're all people. House: We're all people. I like that. She's all hard science, facts. I like to know a person's hopes and dreams. What kind of music do you like, Patrick? Cuddy: Actually, I don't - Patrick: I'm a Mozart man. He says what I feel, but can't express. Cuddy: I'm late for a meeting. House: You see, this is why the face-to-face interview is so important. You've got to know who you're getting in bed with. Cuddy: Get him out of here. [Cut to Chase setting up the IV for Leona.] Chase: Deferoxamine is a chelating agent. It binds to the iron, and the liver can get rid of it. Once the iron's out of the liver, it's finally evacuated from the body in the form of urine. Should be quick and painless. [Cut to a CG of a black mass breaking off, and then breaking holes in her veins.] Leona? Crandall: What's happening? Chase: Crash cart! She's not getting any air. [Chase puts a tube down her throat.] [Clinic lobby.] Chase: CT shows her lungs are Swiss cheese. Ventilator's helping, but at this point, her time is basically up. House: We developed a theory: hemocromatosis. Like good scientists we tested that theory, we proved that theory. We acted based on that proof and we treated her. As a result of which, she is on the verge of death. Is it just me, or have we discovered a flaw in this scientific method? Walk me through it, step-by-step. What is supposed to happen when you give someone deferoxamine? Cameron: It's a chelating agent. House: What does the chelating do? Chase: Removes excess iron from the liver. House: How? Chase: Iron is heavy, it gets stuck. Deferoxamine is like a lubricant. It makes the iron slick so it can move around again. House: Moves around where? Chase: It's supposed to be discharged through waste. House: Her waste system is a little screwy right now, means the waste can't go where it wants to go. What if it went to the lungs? Foreman: Whatever's in the lungs likes iron, bound with it, started poking holes. House: What likes iron? Chase: Oxygen attaches itself to iron, which increases the chance of infection. Foreman: And when we started massive antibiotics prior to the radiation... Cameron: Some neurodegenerative diseases like iron. Chase: Her MRI was clean, no iron deposits on the brain. Foreman: Fungus likes iron. House: No objections to that one? Chase: If a fungus is doing all this, she's dad. There are 25 anti-fungals, if we don't know which - House: When in doubt, go broad. Cameron: Most common is Aspergillus. House: Continue to ventilate her lungs, get her on a voriconazole drip, hope she has Aspergillus. [Cut to House in a clinic room. Cuddy enters.] Cuddy: The process is confidential. You violated his privacy! How did you even - House: I looked up 'loser' in the cryo bank. You wouldn't look within a hundred miles of that idiot, and yet you're willing to have his baby. Cuddy: I'm not looking for a date, I'm tired of looking for a - ow! [House sab her with the needle.] House: Cotton ball? I don't care if you marry this guy, date this guy, go through his garbage, but you should know genes matter. Who you are matters. Find somebody you trust. Cuddy: Somebody like you? House: Someone like you. [Cut to Wilson entrering House's office.] Wilson: Listen, oh, sorry! [House is having his leg massaged, which from Wilson's angle looks like a different kind of service altogether.] House: It's not what you think. Ingrid: I rub his leg. Wilson: Oh, Ingrid! Hi. Okay, you feel guilty about stealing the guy's girl, I get that, and I'm glad. It's a good thing. But you did the paternity test. And either the paternity test comes back negative and you shove it in the guy's face, or it comes back positive and you shut up and your leg starts hurting. House: Or I never ran the test. [Cameron enters.] Not what you think! Cameron: Leona's lung's collapsed. The treatment's not working, we've got the wrong fungus. House: You can stop. She ruined it. [Diagnostics.] House: Three rules for hunting fungus. Location, location, location. Chase: Crandall says she was living in the children's shelter in Ridgeland. House: Okay, the one thing we know for sure is she was not living in the children's shelter in Ridgeland. Foreman: Why would he lie about that? House: He wouldn't, if he believed her story about the sweet little girl trying to do the right thing. Cameron: We can't ask Leona where she was, she's intubated. [Cut to House waking up Leona.] House: Don't try to talk, you've got a big medical thing in your mouth. Just blink if you understand. [Blink.] Fantastic. Blink if you lied to Crandall about everything. You picked up a fungus somewhere. If you were living in the shelter like you told your new daddy I got nothing to go on, and you will die. So, did you lie to Crandall? You're a lousy con artist. First rule of the game is know your mark. Once you got Crandall to bite on the poppet thing you had him. You could have told him that you were servicing Al Qaeda's su1c1de bmb for crack, this guy would still let you pick out the colors in your new room. Did you lie to Crandall? [Blink. House puts a pen and paper in her hands.] Where were you? [Cut to House leaving the ICU.] House: And the winner is... oh, you read it, I just get so nervous at these things. Cameron: Recording studio. House: She read the book. She knew how much Crandall hated that place, what went on there. She overplayed her hand. Cameron: She was desperate. If she didn't sell this, she was stuck in Hell. Chase: Recording studio doesn't help us, medically. House: Recording studios. Why are these buildings different from all other buildings? Cameron: Soundproofing. Absorbs sound, also absorbs moisture. House: Where there's moisture, a lot of it, let's say, Katrina moist, there's - Foreman: Zygomycosis. Only occurs at the highest levels of mold. House: Start her on an IV drip of Amphotericin B with colony stimulating factors. She'll be fine by... dinner. [Cut to Foreman putting on the drip.] Foreman: She's going to be fine. Crandall: She said she'd never go back there. Foreman: She lied to you. She's your kid - get used to it. [Cut to House's office.] Cuddy: Thank you for the injections. House: You're welcome. You came all the way up here just to tell me that? Cuddy: No. [She leaves.] [Cut to House examining Leona.] House: Pretty much normal. Liver function tests are good. Crandall: Thanks, G-man. House: What makes you think you'd be a good father? Crandall: I don't know. Feels right. It feels good. House: Well, at least you've got a good reason. Crandall: It feels good is a good enough reason. [Leona begins to choke.] What's happening? House: She's choking, she can't breathe. Get him out of here, will you? Out! [grabs random instruments] Quick, the curtain! You're breathing on your own, choking's normal. I lied to him, I ran a paternity test. Your lie was a bad one. He is your dad. [to Crandall] We're even. [Cut to House's residence. His phone is ringing.] Wilson's voice: Uh, your machine's broken, there's not even a message. House, are you there? Okay, see you Monday, I guess. [House looks at the results of the paternity test, they're negative. He sets them next to an empty syringe.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x23 - Who's Your Daddy"}	foreverdreaming
[Transcriber note: This episode was not big on giving names of secondary characters. All names used were found on the official Fox.com summary.] [The show opens on a close-up of a man's swollen and diseased tongue.] [Cut to Diagnostics.] House: He's got a temperature of 103. Foreman: And why do we care? House: Because we're human beings. It's what we do. Said he was at a luncheon meeting. Cameron: You took his history?! House: Guy looks like Harpo. You should see him. Chase: You asked him what book he's currently reading. House: It's hilarious to watch him try and talk. I asked him anything I could think of. Favorite color? "Bwuu." [Cut to clinic.] House: Favorite dessert topic? [The man, who will now be known as Vince, hesitates.] Trust me, you'll never know what fact may be the key to saving your life Vince: Whip cweam. [Cut to Diagnostics.] House: I asked him if he was sure. [Foreman packs up.] Where're you going? Foreman: You're an ass. House: I know. Where're you going? Foreman: This is either a toxin, infection, or an allergic reaction. I assume you gave him Epi, so that rules out allergies. Put him on antibiotics in case it's an infection, and if it's a toxin we'll keep him here overnight, let the swelling go down, send him home. I'm going to the movies. [He starts to leave, but before he can a man [now called Jack] enters.] Jack: Which one of you is House? House: Skinny brunette. Jack: No, that's Dr. Cameron. House: I'm skinny. How do you know her name? Jack: I was a patient of yours. House: Oh, well, if you want to leave the chocolates downstairs - [Jack pulls out a gn and sht House in the side. Cameron gasps, and as House collapses against the whiteboard, the three teammates start to run toward him.] Jack: Stay! Stay away from him. Shocking, isn't it? Who'd want to hurt you? [Another sht is heard as the opening scene ends.] [Cut to House, lying on a hospital bed. There's a bandage on his neck, a hospital bracelet on his wrist, and a cane propped up near his head. He moves his hand to feel the stubble on his cheek - we see that Cameron is reading next to the bed.] House: You're pathetic. [Cameron puts down her book.] Judging by the growth, I'd say I've been unconscious for two days. You've been sitting there the whole time. Cameron: No. House: Judging by the oily buildup in your hair, I'd say you're lying. Cameron: I was scared. Pardon me for caring. House: Did I lose any organs? Cameron: The bllet to your abdomen pierced your stomach, nicked the bowel, and lodged in the posterior rib. [She pours him some water.] House: Well, I always say, if you're going to get sht, do it in a hospital. Cameron: The one in your neck - House: I don't remember that one. Cameron: -- went right through, severed your jugular. The sh*t turns out to be a guy who - House: Don't care. Cameron: You don't care why a guy walked into a hospital and sht a doctor? sht you? House: I assume his reasoning was faulty. So what was it? Infection? Cameron: The surgery went fine. You've had no post-op - House: Not me. Patient. Harpo. Cameron: You just got sht, House. You should rest. House: I got sht. Diagnostically boring. Big fat tongue, on the other hand, endlessly entertaining. Cameron: We biopsied his tongue. [sht of said biopsy.] House: And it was negative. And the blood tests were negative. Cameron: I didn't say we did blood tests. House: You don't biopsy a tongue unless you have to biopsy a tongue and you don't have to biopsy a tongue unless you've already come up with nothing on a routine battery of tests which don't involve torturing the patient. Any other symptoms beside the increased intracranial pressure? Any guesses on how I figured that one out? Cameron: You knew the next step would be a lumbar puncture. A lumbar puncture would almost certainly give us a definitive answer. Since we don't have a definitive answer, we must not have done an LP, and the most common reason not to do an LP is increased intracranial pressure. [While Cameron is speaking, someone is wheeled into the spot next to House's bed (because in a hospital where every patient gets their own room, House certainly can't!). The patient is Jack.] He was sht by Security trying to - House. [House takes off the wires attaching him to the monitor.] Will you - House! House: I'm talking to Cuddy. Cameron: Lie down, you've got to be in pain! House: [as he's walking out with his IV] Not today, today I'm on morphine. Cameron: [following him out] You're gonna rip your stitches out. House: Check Harpo's trash. Cameron: Forget about the patient! House: Come on, you're curious. Trash. You don't know what I'm talking about, but you know it's good. Cameron: You can't just be walking around. House: Well, then, stop me. Cameron: You've lost blood - House: Physically, stop me. Cameron: You could damage - House: You can't, because that would involve touching me and then things would get so sexually charged - [Cameron physically stops him. Oh, how things are... sexually charged?] I'm twice your size, get your hands off me. Cameron: Everything that lives, eats; everything that eats, poops: that's why every organ has a sanitation department, a lymph system. Whatever's doing the damage is dumping its waste in there. That's what you meant by trash. House: Biopsy the lymph node under the jaw. [Cut to House entering Cuddy's office.] Cuddy: Sorry, I know it's crazy, but there's no other place. The ICU stands for intensive care, he needs intensive care, so do you. House: He needs to be sht again. Cuddy: He is handcuffed to his bed, he is sedated, he is not gonna hurt you. House: If your security was any good I wouldn't have been sht in the first place. [He fiddles with the morphine drip.] Cuddy: He is where he's supposed to be. Where you're supposed to be. House: Who did my surgery? Cuddy: Gillick. Why, you're going to send him a fruit basket? House: He screwed up. Cuddy: It's annoying enough dealing with your Vicodin habit. Quit upping your morphine. House: I'm not. I'm reducing it. Cuddy: And you're not in pain? House: I'm feeling better. Cuddy: Gillick is very good. Your recovery time - House: My stomach kills me, my neck is throbbing, my leg feels better. Cuddy: That's amazing. House: It's unbelievable. Since getting sht is not a FDA-approved treatment for anything, it means something must have gone wrong in the surgery. Cuddy: Yes. Terribly, tragically wrong. Enjoy the mistake. House: He must have nicked something in my peripheral nervous system. If it's alleviating pain, who knows what else it's doing. Cuddy: Get back to the ICU before you rip out your stitches and I have to chain you to your bed. [Cut to House in the ICU, staring at Jack. He unlocks Jack's morphine drip and sets it down a few notches. Jack wakes up.] House: Why did you try to kll me? Jack: I didn't. House: Then the gn thing might have been a mistake. Jack: If I'd've klled you it would have been over. I need you to live because I want to see you suffer. [House, in response, unplugs Jack's drip.] [Cut to Chase and Foreman biopsying Vince's lymph node. As they are doing so he starts to choke.] Foreman: Whoa, get the needle out of there. [The monitors beep.] Chase: He can't breathe. [They start to prep him for a tracheostomy.] [Cut to House in ICU.] Cameron: House. The test was negative. Chase: Are you sure you want to be doing this? House: I'm fine, I think. Cameron, you got my records? Cameron: They don't like to release patients' operative notes. House: And yet you're holding them. And whispering. Cameron: He's sleeping. House: Yeah. kller needs his rest. Otherwise he's grumpy all day. [House bangs on Jack's bed with his cane.] Hey! Wake up! Watch me save a life! Foreman: Almost for sure it's some sort of infection. We've got him on broad-spectrum antibiotics, but it's not even slowing the thing down. Unless we find out what type of infection, we can't treat, and we can't figure out what type because we can't do an LP. House: Do an LP. [to Jack] See what I did there? Couldn't have don that if you klled me. Foreman: We would have done an LP two days ago if we could have but that much pressure... something's bound to go - Chase: We would have done an LP two days ago if the risks hadn't so obviously outweighed the benefits. We just cut a hole in his throat. The equation has changed. House: Couldn't have put it better myself. [They leave, and House is left to his notes.] [Cut to Foreman and Chase doing the LP.] Foreman: Pressure is 120 mL H20 with small visible excursions related to respiration and pulse. Chase: Well, within normal. That's good. Foreman: No, that's weird. [Cut to House sitting in bed, bored.] Jack: You wanna hear a story? House: I have a rule. People who sht me forfeit the right to - Jack: My wife was sick. None of the doctors could figure out why. House: Oh, I know this story. She died, so you selected one of her doctors to kll because that would make everything again. Jack: No, she lived. You cured her. House: I'm truly sorry I did that. Jack: In the course of investigating her illness, you convinced me that everything was relevant. You needed the truth. I confessed to you that I had had an affair. But it turns out it had nothing to do with why she was sick. Genetic predisposition to brain aneurysms. You told her that. You also told her about my affair. House: You caught crap. She left you. Now I've gotta pay because you couldn't keep your little kller in you pants. Jack: She klled herself. [A long pause.] [Cut to House and Chase, still performing the procedure. A woman watches from behind the wall. House walks up.] House: What sort of hospital has glass walls? Woman: It's my husband. House: Really? Woman: You thought I just liked watching people get needles poked in their back? House: No, I just figured a co-worker or sister, not wife. Woman: Why? House: Don't worry, it's not insulting. At least, not to you. You're satisfied with that answer? Woman: You're Dr. House, aren't you? House: You're not going to sht me, are you? Woman: You treated a friend of mine. She told me you only talk to people if you have to, and then you insult them while showing off how insightful you are. House: Sevens marry sevens, nines marry nines, fours marry fours. Maybe there's some wiggle room if there's enough money or if somebody got pregnant. But you've got at least three points on your husband and your frock says he didn't do it for the money and your breasts say you haven't had any kids. Woman: So you figure my marriage is a mathematical error. House: Numbers don't lie. We're having trouble finding out what infection your husband has. The most likely culprit is an STD. Woman: You want to know if I've had an affair with someone closer to my integer and I have to tell you the truth or my husband will die. House: Is your friend single? Woman: No. But I've always been faithful. [Cut to inside the room.] Foreman: Wow. I would have bet money something would go wrong. Let's rotate him back. [They rotate him, and notice his left eye is red.] He's bleeding into his ocular orbit. Chase: LP wouldn't do this. Lots of pressure behind, got to relieve it. [The eye starts to bug out, and pop out of its socket. Ew.] Woman: What's going on? What are they doing? House: I should go. [His hand is bloody, and there is blood on his robe.] I seem to have torn my stitches. [He collapses on the floor.] [Cut to ICU the next morning, where House is treated to the wonders of hospital pancakes. He is handcuffed to the bed.] Jack: You collapsed in the hall. Tore your stitches. House: I remember. I was there. Jack: How's your gut? It's hurting? House: You sht the guy who sold her the gn? Jack: She locked herself in the garage and she started the car. House: You sht the guy who sold her the garage door opener? [Jack smirks.] You're an ass. Jack: Now that is a bold position to take given that I sht you. House: The sh*ting just makes you an idiot. You're an ass because you're trying to wrap it in a flag like you did a good thing. Jack: You're an ass and a hypocrite. You don't believe in rules, you do whatever you think is right... it's all I did. You were my role model. House: Watch out, you're getting crumbs on the flag. I didn't commit to honor her, I didn't commit to never lie to her. Jack: Well, if you kept your mouth shut, she'd be alive and you wouldn't be sht. House: If you kept your pstol in your pants - Jack: It's my fault she's dad! I know it. But why can't you admit it's maybe just a little bit yours, too? That maybe it's not just medical mistakes that screw things up? House: Here's how life works. You either get to ask for an apology, or you get to sh*t people. Not both. [Cut to Cactus Mexican Food. The parking lot. House is sitting on the hood of a car.] House: Infections don't make your eyes pop out. Chase: We should get back. You're supposed to be chained to your bed. House: Not done eating. Got to be some sort of bleeding disorder. Cameron: This is really stupid. House: Look, my stitches pop out again, I got three doctors to save me. Could be some sort of weakness in the lining of the ocular veins. [The team is silent.] Okay, I'll be you guys. [in an Australian accent] "No way, mate! Too much blood to just be a vein! No way is he! If it was an artery, he'd still be bleeding!" [I think that second line was still Chase. It may have been Foreman. Oi. And now on to Cameron] "Actually, he'd be dad." Cameron: He could have had a granuloma in his sinuses that bled, that could have been caused by Wegener's. Chase: You think the surgeon would have noticed a giant growth while sticking the eyeball back in. House: Tongue and eyes are sick. What about the nose? It's right in between, why isn't it sick? Foreman: So it's not spreading, it's got a common source. House: Which can only be what? Foreman: The brain, except the CT was clean. House: Check the brain's trash, see what its hiding. Chase: The brain doesn't have a lymph system. House: I know, all its garbage just gets caught in the snow fence by the side of the road. Foreman: You're referring to the blood-brain barrier. House: What else? Biopsy the barrier. Cameron: Wouldn't it be safer to make a few educated guesses first? Try some relatively safe treatments? House: Biopsy the barrier, first start him on mebendazole in case it's a worm. Foreman: And levoloxacin in case it's an infection slipped by the first antibiotic. Chase: And azithromycin for STDs. House: I really don't think the wife is the kind to be messing around. If I was married to her I certainly wouldn't - Cameron: House. The patient isn't married, he's a widower. [Cut to Wilson and House in the PT room. Wilson is on the treadmill.] Wilson: Really, it's more helpful if you do the prescribed rehab yourself. House: My body is fine. [He's looking over the operation notes again.] My mind, on the other hand - Wilson: Maybe she was a girlfriend. Maybe she was just trying to jerk you around. House: Spoke to every nurse on that floor, the patient only had six visitors. Two females, no babes. His mother and his aunt. Wilson: So they missed someone. They're not Security. House: My posse never saw her or me talking on the other side of the glass. Wilson: They were a little busy trying to save the guy's life. House: There's only one possible conclusion. It was a hallucination. What does that look like to you, a .6? [He holds the chart up to Wilson.] Wilson: Anesthesia? No, it's gotta be 6 smudge. Let's say you're right. It wouldn't be that uncommon after trauma, after that much blood loss. House: My perceptions are compromised and my judgment is compromised. What if his wife told me that the patient just got bit by a rabid Vietnamese leopard? Wilson: So pull yourself off the case. House: And the next case? Wilson: You take two weeks. You recover. House: And what if I don't? What if it wasn't the sh*ting? Wilson: The guy who sees connections between everything sees no connection between being sht and minor brain disruption? House: What if it was the surgery? Wilson: What if it was the fact that you tore out your stitches and lost two pints of blood? House: Why did Gillick give me ketamine during my surgery? [Cut to House entering Exam Room One.] Cuddy: Working. House: We need to talk. Cuddy: Get back to the ICU. Who uncuffed you? House: Why would a surgeon administer ketamine? Cuddy: Who showed you your surgical file? House: How do you know it's mine? Cuddy: Because your patient hasn't had surgery and you don't care about anyone else. House: My anesthesia was almost non-existent, and yet I wasn't awake. For some reason, someone decided to put me in a dissociative coma instead of just putting me out. Cuddy: There are plenty of reasons to use - House: Fine, I'll go bat the truth out of my surgeon. Gillick, right? [He stalks off. Cuddy notices that, while he is carrying his cane, he isn't using it to walk, and isn't even limping much.] Cuddy: It worked! [House turns.] There's a clinic in Germany, they've been treating chronic pain by inducing comas and letting the mind basically reboot itself. There's about a fifty percent chance your pain will come back, which, of course, means there's a fifty percent chance that it won't. House: You had no right! Cuddy: To heal you?! House: You messed with my brain! Cuddy: Why are you so upset? Are you experiencing any neurological symptoms? Dizziness, tremors, hallucinations? House: No. It's a point of principle. [Cut to a very nasty procedure being done on poor Vince, which involves cutting above his upper teeth and lifting off his face - I told you it was nasty.] [Cut to ICU.] Foreman: Test was negative. Cameron: No trash against the fence. Is your leg really better? House: Don't worry, I'm sure something else is wrong. Chase: We did find blood. House: On which side? Chase: The wrong side. House: The first thing that makes sense. Chase: The wrong side's the wrong side, it can't make sense. Cameron: It could mess with his brain, it wouldn't cause fever. [looking at Jack] He's been sleeping a lot lately. House: You worried? I marked a change of meds on his chart. [and back to Vince] Foreign object, body wants to get rid of it, causes the fever. Cameron: Blood is a foreign object? Foreman: In the brain lining, it is. Blood dyscrasia means cancer. House: Find it. Cameron: All the tests - House: Have been negative. What do you do if your trash cans are full? You use your neighbor's trash cans. Except it's still light outside, your neighbor will see you. So you go out the back way, into an alley and drop off your trash by their garage. Chase: We'll check the lymphatic system in the chest. House: You got that from trash cans in the alley? Chase: The saliva glands in the tongue are connected to the lymphatic system in the lungs. It's the next lymphatic system over. House: Yeah. Go get lung lymph. [The team leaves.] Jack: How did he know that? House: I wouldn't have hired him if he wasn't smart. Jack: Right. 'Cause you've got nothing but respect for him. Maybe he knew the answer because the question wasn't nearly as tricky as you thought. Maybe he's not getting smarter. You're getting dumber. [Cut to a quick sht of the medical procedure on Vince.] [Back to the ICU.] Jack: You pretend to buck the system, pretend to be a rebel, claim to hate rules. [We see that House is pretending to sleep throughout this.] But all you do is substitute your own rules for society's. That's a nice, simple rule - tell the blunt, honest truth in the starkest, darkest way. And what will be, will be. What will be, should be. And everyone else is a coward. But you're wrong. Someone cowardly should not call someone an idiot. People aren't tactful or polite just because it's nice. They do it because they've got an ounce of humility. Because they know that they will make mistakes, and they know that their actions have consequences, and they know that those consequences are their fault. Why do you want so badly not to be human, House? [Cameron and Foreman enter and see House looking asleep.] Oh, he's awake. Cameron: House, we need to talk to you. House: How the hell did you know I was awake? Jack: Your nostrils flare when you sleep. House: No they do not. Jack: Fine, I'm lying. House: Test was negative. Cameron: You knew? House: Force of habit. Foreman: Showed no cancer, no reason why he's got a fever of 103 and no reason why his tongue won't fit in his mouth. Cameron: He's post-op, Chase is getting him up and around. [Cut to Chase walking Vince around his room.] Chase: It's important that you're up ASAP after surgery. Think you can urinate? [He leads Vince to the bathroom and waits outside the door. Vince grunts in pain, and looks down.] Vince: [jumbled, of course] It's getting bigger! Chase: What, you're getting aroused? Vince: No, not that way! [He yells, and talks indecipherably. Chase bends down to look at the problem, and something explodes. Vince collapses.] [Cut to the PT room. Chase is on the bike.] Chase: Surgeons found no evidence of a burst artery. House: The blood had to come from somewhere. You took a shower in it. Chase: Trauma? House: You think someone snuck in here just to kick him in the jewels and poke out his eye and swell up his tongue? Keep riding, I've got a bet with my physio that I can do 100 clicks by Friday. What about blood from the kidneys? [They all stare at him.] Cameron: Kidneys drain into the bladder which drains into the ureter, there's no way it would mess with the scrotum. House: Yeah, basic human anatomy. Therefore, I think it's safe to assume that the problem lies elsewhere. But given that this case doesn't make any kind of sense whatsoever maybe we should even question the basics. Chase: Maybe he's not human. House: An anatomical defect would seem more likely, but let's not rule that one out. Foreman: Even more likely, he is human, his anatomy is where it's supposed to be, but he has testicular cancer. Cameron: We tested for cancer. Foreman: We tested the lymph system in his chest. Chase: Surgeon found no growths. Foreman: Surgeon was trying to put everything back where it was, he wasn't look... [the sounds tunes out] [Cut to the men's bathroom.] Wilson: You may have been lucky. You don't catch testicular cancer early, it kills. Probably eroded some vessel - House: Yeah, yeah, I know. Question is why I didn't think of it. Wilson: Eyes popping out is a rater odd presentation. House: Sac blwing up, on the other hand... Wilson: If you could think of everything yourself you wouldn't need a team to annoy. House: I screwed some basic anatomy and I'm misconnecting a testicular explsin with a testicular problem. Think there's any way I would have done that before Cuddy messed with my brain? Wilson: She was trying to help you and it worked. House: Yeah, I can run like the wind, but I can't think. Seeing as how I'm too old to become a professional athlete, she screwed me over, big time. [They move to the hallway.] Wilson: You don't want a healthy leg. House: Oh, here we go. Wilson: If you've got a good life, you're healthy, you've got no reason to bitch, no reason to hate life. House: Well, here's the flaw in your argument: if I enjoy hating life, I don't hate life, I enjoy it. Wilson: I didn't say it was rational. [They stop walking.] HIV testing is ninety-nine percent accurate, which means there are some people who test positive, who live with their own impending doom for months or years before finding out everything's okay. Weirdly, most of them don't react with happiness, or even anger. They get depressed, not because they wanted to die, but because they've defined themselves by their disease. Suddenly, what made them 'them' isn't real. House: I don't define myself by my leg. Wilson: No, you have taken it one step further. The only way you could come to terms with your disability was to some way make it mean nothing. So you had to redefine everything. You have dismissed anything physical, anything not coldly, calculatingly intellectual. House: Why are you protecting her? Wilson: Because she's done nothing wrong? House: You're completely comfortable with what she did to me? Wilson: Yeah, I am. Yeah. House: You agonize over moral choices. You aren't completely comfortable with anything until you've taken days to get your head around every possible side. I've know what she did for six hours. How come you're acting like you've know for days? [Cut to Cuddy's office. I didn't put all of the screaming in caps, because that would have been a lot of caps to have to read.] House: What do I have?! Cuddy: You're not sick - House: What do I have?!? Cuddy: You need to calm down - House: I have my brain. That's it! Wilson: We were trying to help you! House: Yeah, nobody tries to screw up, they just do! Cuddy: You were out of control, you were shting morphine - House: I can make people better! And you decide to trade that for jogging shoes! Wilson: If you're suffering from side effects then we can look at that and - House: You value the physical so much, let me put this in terms you understand! [He punches Wilson in the jaw.] Wilson: You're unbelievable. Even when you're out of your mind with anger and fear, you still couch it in logical terms. Are you hallucinating? House: Yeah, I'm hallucinating! Wilson: No, I mean right now. [His voice starts to morph into Jack's.] Are you hallucinating? [Cut to ICU.] House: How did you know I was - Jack: You were yelling at me. You were calling me Wilson. House: No. Jack: You're losing it, House. House: I never called Wilson by his name. Jack: Oh, yeah, right. The hallucinator is going to tell the hallucinatee what happened. House: You're not the hallucinatee, Wilson was the hallucinatee. Jack: You think maybe you're focusing on the wrong thing here? House: Cuddy's office was the hallucinatee, the bathroom was the hallucinatee. Jack: Ah. Bathroom. It figures. House: What figures? Jack: You wet your bed. House: Damn it. [He tries to hide it as the team enters. They don't notice it at all.] Cameron: Test was negative. House: No. Foreman: Efp and beta HGG say no testicular cancer. House: So, let's recap. We've just ruled out everything, which doesn't make sense, and the answer has to be something that does make sense. Do a cystoscopy, make sure he's human. [Cut to House and the team walking down the stairs.] Chase: Test was negative. House: For him being human? Chase: Everything was right where it was supposed to be, all the tubes go where they're supposed to go. Foreman: Most likely scenario is some kind of bacterial prostatitis. [House looks up the stairs, walks up them.] House: Hmm. Find out if his father hunched? [And down the stairs.] His father have trouble peeing? [And up, and down and up.] His father have sex with his own mother? The answer to any of these questions, if yes, assume you're right. If the answer's no, assume you're right, but biopsy some prostate lymphs just to make sure. Cameron: But then we'd have to cut through his stomach, and since he's clearly got a bleeding problem, this kind of surgery might - Foreman: He doesn't clearly have anything. House: How did I get here? Chase: What are you talking about? House: I was in the ICU, and then I was coming down these stairs with you guys. What happened in between? I don't remember how I got here. [Cut to Cuddy's office.] House: I'm taking myself off my case. Cuddy: Your patient's in critical care, he's had a fever unabated for two - House: I think I'm losing my mind. I'm having blackouts. Cuddy: You said you weren't having any - House: I lied. Cuddy: If you are doing this to scare me, you made your point. Next time you get sht, I promise to only treat the bllet wounds. House: I'm off the case. [as he turns to leave] Why did you jump up when I came in? Cuddy: I thought you were going to attck me again. House: Again? Cuddy: Yeah, you were in my face. You were - House: No, I wasn't. Cuddy: You came in here with Wilson and - House: That was a hallucination - Cuddy: No, you - House: -- which means this is a hallucination. [Cut to ICU. Jack is staring at House.] [Cut to the parking lot of the Mexican restaurant.] House: How can I tell what's real and what's not? Everything looks the same, sounds the same, tastes the same. Jack: Seems like I'd be the last person you'd want to ask. House: Why not? You're obviously not here. I'm obviously not here, which means this is a creation of my mind, which means I'm really just asking my mind. Jack: You're talking to yourself, there's a lot of unnecessary explanation. House: Hey, I'm trying to work this out. That requires give and take, even in my own mind. Jack: All right, what was the question? House: How can I tell what's real? Jack: Does it matter? House: That doesn't sound like something I'd ask. Jack: All right, your concern is that if you act in the real world based on information that's not real, the results are impossible to foresee. House: With you so far. Jack: But information is incapable of harm in and of itself. Ideas are neither good nor bad, but merely as useful as what we do with it. Only actions can cause harm. House: That sounds like me. Jack: So you do nothing, you refrain from taking any actions. Continue to throw out your ideas as you always would, but if they're based on faulty assumptions your team will point that out. They won't do anything that could hurt him. House: So I trust my team. [Cut to the PT room.] Chase: Test was negative. Cameron: No blood in the prostate. Foreman: No structural abnormalities. House: Something doesn't make sense. What does that mean? It's not rhetorical. I need your input on everything I ask, no matter how obvious it might seem. Foreman: It means you're wrong. House: It means one of your assumptions is wrong, because if something doesn't make sense it can't be real. So what are our assumptions? Foreman: We don't have any, we're just guessing and testing. Cameron: We assume the tests are right. Chase: We've already redone them, twice. House: Let's go more basic. Foreman: What's more basic than the test results? House: Tests themselves. What does a biopsy consist of? Chase: You take a sample - House: Define sample. Chase: It's a small, representative piece of whatever you think is the problem. House: You go down the shore, you fill a cup with water. It's got no fish in it. Does that mean no fish in the ocean? Cameron: We can do another biopsy? House: We can fill another cup of water, but we've gotta dive in. We've gotta see what's actually in there. Chase: We can't operate, he's got a bleeding problem. Foreman: We assume he's got a bleeding problem. Chase: Yeah, because he bled from where he wasn't supposed to bleed, causing parts of his body to blow up! Assuming that crazy assumption is correct, we operate on him, we'll kll him. House: What if we could find a way of doing the surgery without giving him more than a papercut? [Cut to Vince's room. All of Vince's dialog is jumbled, but again, I wasn't going to try to spell it all out phonetically!] Vince: You want to let a robot operate on me? Cameron: The technology is amazing. It magnifies everything ten times, it's ten times the accuracy. Vince: No way, I want a person! Cameron: A person will be controlling the - House: People suck. People have turned you from a guy with a swollen tongue into a guy with one guy, one ball and a stapled-on face. If you want someone to hold you while you cry yourself to sleep at night, choose warm and soft. If you want someone to write you a poem, pick the sensitive loner. If all you care about is that something's done right, pick the guy with the metal head. Vince: No way. House: No way no way. You've gotta see this thing in action before you say "no way." Come on. [He helps Vince to sit up.] Cameron: House, what are you doing? House: Nothing. I'm not doing anything. Just throwing out ideas. I think you should put him in a wheelchair and take him down to the OR, but I may be out of my mind. [Cut to the OR. Cameron is lying down on the table. House is controlling the robot; Vince is sitting next to him.] House: Relax, Cameron. I'm not going to cut you. I just want to show what this puppy can do. I can make one millimeter incisions. You know how small that is? Small even in metric. [to Vince] If I do something that doesn't make sense, even to you, stop me. [He moves the tweezer hand down to stroke Cameron's cheek.] Delicate, no? [He then lifts up the hem of her shirt and uses the air hand to blow air into her belly button. And then he cuts off a button on her blouse, peeling part of the shirt away to reveal her bra.] Cameron: House. House: Does that hurt. [Cameron shakes her head.] Seen enough? Vince: No. House: That wasn't a question. You either do this, or you die. [Cut to ICU.] Jack: You've wasted your life. House: Yeah. If only I'd dedicated my life to finding someone worthy to sht. Jack: If I'd've klled you, would it have mattered? House: Not to me. [House is searching for a pen to write on the board with.] Jack: You don't care whether you live or die? House: I care because I live. I can't care if I'm dad. [He moves to the wall, dragging the bed with him because he's still chained to it.] Jack: I don't want to hear semantics. House: You anti-semantic bastard. Jack: Would anybody care that the world lost that wit? [As Jack speaks, House writes on the glass board with a white marker.] House: Working, here. Jack: That's all right, you don't have to say anything. Just let me soak into your subconscious. You think that the only truth that matters is the truth that can be measured. Good intentions don't count, what's in your heart doesn't count, caring doesn't count, that a man's life can't be measured by how many tears are shed when he dies. It's because you can't measure them. It's because you don't want to measure them. Doesn't mean it's not real. House: [looking at his makeshift whiteboard] That does not makes sense. Jack: And even if I'm wrong, you're still miserable. Did you really think that your life's purpose was to sacrifice yourself and get nothing in return? No. [As Jack speaks, we see House in a car with the woman he was speaking to earlier. The car is in a smoke-filled garage.] You believe there is no purpose to anything. Even the lives you save you dismiss. You turn the one decent thing in your life and you taint it, strip it of all meaning. You're miserable for nothing. I don't know why you'd want to live. House: I'm sorry. I know what's wrong. [Cut to House entering the OR as the team is performing the surgery on Vince.] Cameron: House, get out of here! You're not sterile! House: He'll be fine. Chase: Great. What's he got? House: How come you guys have never tried to yank me off this case? I'm having hallucinations, blackouts. Foreman: But you're always insane, and you're always right. House: I'm almost always eventually right. You have no way of knowing when 'eventually' is. Every time I've had an epiphany on this one you guys were right on board. No challenges, nothing to explain. No offense, but either you guys are getting smarter or I'm getting dumber. Chase: We've worked with you long enough to know - House: I know the test results even before you enter the room. We have identical knowledge. How is that possible? Cameron: You're wrong. House: Something doesn't make sense. One of your assumptions has to be wrong, because if something doesn't make sense then it can't be real. But what if the faulty assumption is that it's real? Foreman: House, you're losing it. House: I've lost it. [He starts to move his hand toward the robot controls; Chase grabs it.] Why did you stop me? Chase: Because I think you're going to kll him. House: You don't think that. You know it, because you're in my head. As long as the delusion makes sense my mind lets it go on. To make it not make sense I have to push it past the point where it can trick my mind. [He grabs the controls.] Foreman: Hey, hey! This is a nightmare, you're gonna wake up. It's real, you're klling a man! House: It's also possible I may already be dad, but I don't believe in the afterlife. Cameron: House, go back to your room. If this is a hallucination, it's a good one: you're pain free, you can walk - House: This is not real, therefore it's meaningless. I want meaning. [He sab Vince in the bellybutton, and makes a deep incision up to about his stomach. Organs force their way out of his chest. He flatlines quickly. As the team looks on horrified, House walks toward Vince.] Oh, God. [Vince's hand falls down, and out drops a bllet. House picks it up and clutches it.] Goodbye. [Cut to House being rushed on a gurney through the halls.] Foreman: He was sh*t! Cameron: Twice! Chase: Once in the abdomen, once in the neck. House: Hello. Cameron: It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. House: You don't know that. Tell Cuddy I want ketamine.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x24 - No Reason"}	foreverdreaming
(We see a kid's pool party going on, but from a rather fuzzy point of view, all the sounds seem to be amplified - turns out we're seeing it from the eyes of a man - Richard. Scene now shifts to a man sitting down watching the party a little further away from the pool in the shade. There's a woman operating a barbeque) Arlene: Mark? Mark! Mark, please ask your father if he wants a burger. I know, you're defending the free world, please ask your dad if he wants a burger. [The boy approaches his dad; he's wearing swimming trunks and is playing with a water gn] Mark: Dad? [The boy keeps talking but we only hear the sound of static.] Dad? Mom wants to know if you want a burger. [The man is unresponsive and the boy walks away.] Mark: Mom, I don't know what he wants, you ask him. [The woman approaches the man.] Arlene: You want a burger? [She mouths "okay" but we can again, only hear static.] [From the man's point of view, we now see him moving the controls on his wheelchair so that he is by the edge of the pool. He seems to look at the pool for a moment before controlling the wheelchair straight into the pool.] (Scene starts with a silhouette of someone running - this person turns out to be House! There are lots of lovely shts of his lean lanky body sweating and jogging along to 'Feel Good Inc' by the Gorillaz. He stops for a while and we see the scar from the gn in the previous episode on his neck, he feels his pulse and smiles happily.) (Scene shifts to the hospital that morning, in Cuddy's office - Wilson and Cuddy are looking at patient files stacked on the table; in front of Cuddy there is an open bottle of water.) Cuddy: The guy drove his wheelchair into a pool, House would love that! Wilson: He'll be bored. It's a great visual but it's diagnostically boring. What about post-hair transplant aphasia guy? Cuddy: Infection throwing clots, House will sht it down and call you an idiot. Wilson: Oh, well we wouldn't want that. Cuddy: What about yoga girl? Wilson: Has a good hook. Cuddy: Should we lead with it? Wilson: His first day back, might want to flex his sarcasm muscle; maybe we open with one of the weaker pitches. [House suddenly bursts into the office, still in sweaty T-shirt and shorts from his run - Cuddy and Wilson stare.] Cuddy: You ran here? House: It's just... 8 miles. Cuddy: Why did you...? [Holding the bottle of water.] House: Why does a dog lick its - [He takes the water from her hand and starts to drink it. Yes he's just drinking her water.] what's a workplace acceptable euphemism for testicles? Wilson: Because he can. House: What have you got for me boss? Cuddy: I thought you said you needed 8 weeks of rehab. You should have been back here? House: [He puts down the water and picks up a file.] If I'd come back sooner, I'd only be able to run 6 miles. I never would have made it in. What have you got for me? Cuddy: You're completely pain free? The ketamine treatment can wear off. House: It's been 2 months. It's not wearing off. What have you got for me? [He picks up one of the files and starts looking through it himself.] Cuddy: It can take as long as-- House: Why are we having this discussion? Want to hear me thank you again? Thank you Dr Cuddy. Not just for removing the bllet, but thank you for putting me in a ketamine-induced coma and changing my life. Happy? I am. Wilson: Middle-aged man: had hair transplant about 2 months ago-- House: Infection throwing clots, you're an idiot. [Cuddy throws a smile at Wilson.] Except you're not an idiot, [House looks at Wilson and then Cuddy.] and she's holding a file for a 26-yr-old female, what have you really got for me? Cuddy: Girl was doing an inverted yoga pose, neck snapped, paralyzed from the neck down except the x-rays show no evidence of spinal injury. And she's cute. House: Oh, well played sir! [He grabs the file off Cuddy but continues to read the one in his hands.] What about Stephen Hawking trying to do the 500 butterfly? Wilson: Forget it - brain cancer, brain surgery - there's nothing left to diagnose. I would take the other one. House: Hmm... I'll take them both. [Wilson furrows his brow in confusion and he shares another look with Cuddy.] (House exits the clinic with the files and starts walking across the lobby. Wilson catches up with his briefcase and they walk together up the staircase.) Wilson: You don't think he had brain cancer? House: Of course he had brain cancer; even oncologists don't screw up for 8 years. Wilson: So if there's no diagnostic issue why are you taking the case? House: Treatment can be interesting. Wilson: Not to you. House: I've changed. Wilson: No, you haven't. House: No, I haven't. Wilson: Then why are you taking the case? House: Guy tried to kll himself. Wilson: The guy had cancer, he's a lump; he hasn't been able to touch his wife, speak to his kids. House: He's been in that chair for 8 years, his muscles have atrophied. Maybe I can help him with the pain. Isn't that enough of a reason to want to help? Wilson: Not for you. House: I've changed. Wilson: No you haven't. House: Then why am I taking this case? [He suddenly sprints ahead of Wilson and runs off.] (House has changed into more proper work clothes and walks into the office with the files.) House: Let's start with the cute paraplegic. Cameron: Welcome back! Chase: Hey! Cameron: You look... Foreman: Healthy. [Chase gives House a pat on the shoulder, then realizes a second later that that was really rather too chummy. House gives him a weird look.] House: Quad with no broken neck, struck me as odd. Cameron: Uhh... you could take a whole 2 minutes to ease into being back. House: Taken a whole month to ease back, 8 weeks is the maximum rehab time for a gn wound to the stomach and neck. So, go. [He takes a drink from the fridge and starts drinking.] Cameron: We heard they never found the guy. There's no new leads? House: What? You think he might have sht this patient too? Would explain her symptoms... Chase: Could be MS. House: See? It's not so difficult. House: It's not MS. She had no symptoms before she climbed on to her head. Unless she's been upside-down for the last 10 years, MS ain't it. Foreman: Could be transverse myelitis, swelling in the disk choking off nerve function. Chase: MRI's negative for that. [House's gaze is caught by the stain of his blood on the carpet from when he was sht in the last episode. There are signs that they tried to wash away the rather large blood stain, but it is still very visible.] Cameron: The leg looks fine. You totally pain free? House: When did this turn into 'what did you do over your summer vacation'? Foreman: It's a little weird to discuss the case while you're staring at your blood on the floor. Cameron: I asked Cuddy to replace the carpet. House: No, I like the carpet. What did you do over the summer? Cameron: [Enthusiastically.] I-- House: Re-do the tests. [He walks away from her.] Let's see if the source of the problem is in the limbs or the spine. Do an EMG. [The Ducklings prepare to walk out.] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Got a whole other quad to cover; this guy's still got fluid in his lungs. Cameron: You don't think that's from the pool he drank? House: Give him an O2 mask. His leg muscles have atrophied, tendons have shortened from disuse causing intense pain. Tendon surgery will make him more comfortable. Chase: Comfortable? [Raised eyebrows from the Ducklings.] House: Scoot. (Scene shifts to Richard in surgery, Arlene and Mark are watching from the observation deck.) Arlene: Thanks for being here. [Camera pans out to reveal...] House: Not a problem. Mark: My dad wouldn't kll himself. House: You haven't spoken to him in over 6 years. Mark: I know my dad. Arlene: Mark, the doctor's just trying to-- Mark: He wouldn't kll himself. House: Fine. I'm wrong. You obviously have a better understanding of this man who drools in front of your TV set 24 hours a day. Arlene: Dr. House... Mark: Look, he must have been confused. It must have been an accident. House: Hope it was a su1c1de attempt. If he was trying to kll himself then he knows how miserable his life is, means there's still something there to kll; means your dad's still there. [Cameron walks in after a knock.] Cameron: Sorry, need you. Arlene: [Quietly.] Thank you. [She hugs her son.] [House and Cameron walk out and continue across the hospital corridors.] Cameron: We were doing the EMG but we never got past the insertion of the conduction pin. Did she just say thank you? House: I loaned her some money. What went wrong? Cameron: Nothing went wrong. House: Nothing went wrong then something went right. Cameron: You're not going to tell me why she thanked you? House: You're not going to tell me what went right? Cameron: You did something for which she is grateful and you're... embarrassed? House: For you. Saw you coming up, thought you were a 14-yr-old boy, I set her straight. Cameron: I'm not telling you what went wrong - or right, until you tell me why she said thank you. [She stands with hands on hips.] House: Ohhh, you got me. You know I need to know, I'm so going to fold. Except you're forgetting, there's one thing I can do now. [He casts a curious glance at something behind her, she turns to look and he quickly runs off, she laughs and follows.] [Scene quickly changes to Foreman and Chase talking to Yoga girl, who's name is Caren.] Foreman: It's either that or a reflex response. [We hear the sound of House running up before he slides into view.] House: What happened? Foreman: Ok, this is Dr. House. House, this is Caren-- House: Pleasure's all mine, what happened? Chase: When we inserted the conduction pin, she flinched. House: [To Cameron as she walks in.] She flinched! Did you hear? Caren: Does that mean I'm getting better? House: How big is a flinch? Bigger than a twitch? Smaller than a spasm? [Chase inserts the pin again so House can see the flinch.] You smoke? Caren: Socially, a lot. House: You do yoga and you smoke? Caren: I know it's hypocritical but-- House: Not at all, the world sees your legs, no one's checking out your lungs. [He goes and checks out Caren's handbag.] Cameron: How would smoking cause-- House: It wouldn't, just needed a lighter. [He takes one out, goes to the bottom of Caren's bed, holds a foot in his hand and turns on the flames right under it. She screams and jerks her leg away and he stops.] Cameron: House! Caren: My god! House: [Gives the puppy dog eyes.] The case was looking so promising. Caren: Hey, I'm not faking. House: You moved, therefore you can move. Get this lunatic out of here before she bores again. Caren: I'm not faking! [Foreman gets a cynical look on his face.] (Change to night time the same day - there's now a second floor built above the lobby that has a balcony too. House is leaning on the balcony overlooking the lobby, watching people walk in and out.) [Wilson walks up to join him.] Wilson: I heard you were watching surgery with a patient's family. Talking to a patient's family. It's because of your hallucination, isn't it? After you were sht? You chose life; you decided you wanted meaning, so you took a case with no mystery. Something any doctor could do. A case with no upside except the satisfaction of helping another human being. House: She thanked me. Wilson: And... you felt nothing. House: Wasn't even sure what I was supposed to feel. Wilson: It's like your leg, its atrophied. Keep working it, the feeling will come. [Cameron walks up to them.] Cameron: Sorry, need you, again. House: Told you to get rid of her. Cameron: It's a good thing we didn't. Tightness in her chest, she can't breathe, it could be pleural effusion. House: Right. Either that or she's holding her breath like a 4-yr-old. [Scene change back to Caren who is gasping for breath; Chase and Foreman lift her into a sitting position as House enters holding a great big needle. He hides it from her view as he crouches at the bottom of her bed to talk to her.] House: Relax. I'm not going to burn you again. I'm going to sab YOU! [He brings out the needle suddenly, trying to scare her. Caren continues gasping for breath.] Look, either you're faking, or you've got a pleural effusion - that's a build-up of fluid around the lungs which is very serious - and I would have no choice but to sab you in the back with this needle and suck all the fluid out of you. [Caren looks terrified, but continues gasping for breath.] So-- Cameron: We should give her a local. House: That would defeat the point of me being nasty. [He stands next to her with the needle.] Ready? [He raises his arm and pretends to strike until he notices a distended jugular vein on her neck.] Down. Foreman: But she can't breathe if she's down. House: Down! Foreman: She can't breathe-- House: Down! Down, down, down! Come on! [He pushes her to lie flat on her back again before he spears the needle straight into her chest to the surprise of the Ducklings, and starts drawing out blood. Caren's breathing becomes easier.] Foreman: That's not a pleural effusion. Cameron: Problem's in her heart. House: Can't fake that. (Scene changes to the next day; Chase is now the one drawing the blood from Caren who is on a ventilator.) [Scene shifts back to the Diagnostics office.] Chase: Had to relieve the pressure 3 times in the last 2 hours. So either we figure out what's causing blood to build up around her heart or I follow her around with the needle for the rest of her life. Cameron: Echo was clean, no structural abnormalities. Foreman: Could be an infectious process. TB? Cameron: Or vasculitis would also explain the effusion. House: But not the paralysis. Let's assume that she wasn't faking it. Cameron: She moved, therefore she could move. She wasn't paralyzed. House: Ehh... doesn't mean she was faking, could have been a delusion. Now, either she was faking, and coincidentally got a real cardiac problem at the exact same time, or it's a delusion and the fake paralysis is a real neurological symptom. Foreman: You're thinking vascular tumor on her spine? Cameron: Her platelets are normal. Chase: And she's been scanned up and down, it's all clean. House: So, open her up, and find it. [He bounces the ball he normally plays with on Chase's head - to Chase's annoyance.] Foreman: So what do you want us to do? Start at her neck and just keep cutting down her spine until we stumble on something? House: That should work. [He tosses the ball back to Chase before walking out the door.] (House is checking Richard with a stethoscope while Arlene watches on.) House: His heart rate's a little high. Arlene: Should I be worried? House: Probably just means he's still in discomfort from the surgery. I'm going to up his morphine a little. Arlene: You've been so nice to us. House: That's the job. Arlene: No, I mean all the other doctors, all they did was obsess on the... the cancer, the treatment, the damage... just trying to fix him. You're the first doctor that's ever given a damn about the quality of his life. House: His heart rate's come down, the morphine worked I was right. [He quickly walks out of the room. Cameron, who has been eavesdropping from behind the door, joins him.] Cameron: What a touching moment. That's why we become doctors. For those rare moments when our hearts are warm-- House: Would you like to get a drink? Cameron: Are you serious or are you just trying to change the subject? House: No, I'm serious. I drink, you drink. We could do it at the same time, same table. Do you eat? We could do that too. I mean, if the answer's no that's cool but... [He waits for her response as they stop in front of the elevators.] Cameron: No, I... it's just... you're just coming off the surgery and you're not yourself yet and I work for you and even though last year's... [Frustrated sigh as House starts smiling smugly.] you're smiling! I'm saying no and you're smiling! House: Oh, don't take it personally. Its just coz you're full of crap. You have no interest in going out with me. Maybe you did, when I couldn't walk and I was a sick puppy that you could nurture back to health. Now that I'm healthy, there's nothing in it for you. Cameron: You are not healthy. [House continues smiling.] Cuddy wants to see you. (Scene changes to Cuddy's office.) Cuddy: You've been back at work 24 hours and you're already playing hide and seek in a woman's spine. House: Who won the pool? Cuddy: There's no tumor. Her platelets are normal, scans-- House: What's the worse that can happen? I paralyze her. She won't even notice. Cuddy: Her lawyers might. You're not doing the surgery. And lower the morphine on your other patient. House: [Sits down in the chair opposite Cuddy.] Fine, I'll lower it. If you'll let me do the surgery. Cuddy: What? You want a trade? We're not swapping a couple of goats for your help putting up a barn. House: You want something, I want something. We compromise. It's the grown-up way to resolve our differences. Cuddy: There already is a mechanism for that. It's called the employer-employee relationship. I get what I want, and you don't. (Scene changes to night-time the same day; House is back on the balcony over the lobby. This time he has a bunch of grapes. He alternately eats some and throws others into the bin attached to the back of the trolley that the cleaner is using while cleaning the lobby downstairs. The cleaner is unaware of House's presence.) [Wilson approaches once more.] Wilson: You tried to swap? House: Ran a few more tests, came back negative, surgery's on. [The next grape he throws does land on the cleaner's head. House quickly and guiltily shuffles back out of view from below, leaving Wilson standing there alone. Wilson does an apologetic hand gesture and turns back to face House.] Wilson: You really don't give a crap, do you? House: Does that make me evil? Wilson: Yeah. House: The girl's life is at stake, what we're talking about with the guy-- Wilson: What we're talking about is the reason you took the case; to help someone. House: Too bad for them. Wilson: Too bad for you. The reason we crave meaning is because it makes us happy. The first level of happiness is-- [House rolls his eyes and walks away.] Wilson: I'm not going away. [He immediately follows.] [Scene cuts to House observing Caren's surgery from the observation deck above. Wilson is still following him.] Wilson: The fifth level of happiness involves creation. Changing lives. House: Sixth level is heroin; seventh level is you going away. Wilson: You're saving lives, which is tantamount to creating lives but all you're taking away from this, is the game. You don't have to listen to them thanking you, you don't have to change the cases you take or even how you handle them. You just have to know that you made a difference. [House has been busily observing the surgery. A nurse had to remove the nail polish off one of Caren's big toes to clip something on it, House quickly moves to intercept the procedure, leaving Wilson on the observation deck sighing.] [House bursts into the surgery.] Surgeon: House, you're not-- House: I'm not an idiot. [To nurse.] Move. Surgeon: House, leave her alone. House: Close her up, you wanna know why? Surgeon: The room's no longer sterile. House: True, it's not the most interesting reason. [He shows the Surgeon Caren's big toe which is has a very ugly cracking yellow nail, and the area around the nail looks bruised and bleeding.] That is not a sexy big toe. You'd never put that in your mouth. Surgeon: What the hell has that got to do with-- House: Told you it was interesting; it gets even better. (Scene cuts to Caren sucking orange juice out of a straw from a plastic cup Foreman is holding up for her.) Caren: Scurvy? Foreman: Yeah. Drink. Caren: Like what sailors get when they don't eat right? Foreman: Aye, aye. Your arms and leg tissues are choked with blood. Makes it hard to move. Also damages your hair and toenails. Caren: But I'm on this great diet, lots of protein, lots of-- Foreman: [Holds up another cup when she's finished with the old one.] No vitamin C. Now drink. Caren: Well... thank you. And thank Dr House. Foreman: Send him a note. (Scene changes to Richard's room.) Arlene: The uh... nurse changed his morphine, I thought you were worried about-- House: It's just post-op discomfort. He's ready to go home. Arlene: So he won't have any pain? House: Eventually. Arlene: Thank you. House: Everything else will be the same. Arlene: Well, you took away his pain and that, that changes a lot. House: Why don't you put him in some sort of... facility? Some place without a pool. Arlene: Yeah. I could dump him there, except he's my husband. He's my son's father. House: Right. Kids need a dad; someone to play catch with. Talk about girls. Arlene: Mark's learned that you don't have to abandon someone just because-- House: Get a dog. Arlene: I'm taking care of him for the same reason you helped us. House: Some guy sht you and you hallucinated? Arlene: I have a responsibility. House: So he's just an anchor weighing you and your family down, sapping your energy, wasting your life - that's the meaning you take from this? Arlene: I want to take care of him. House: You enjoy this? Arlene: I can't abandon him. House: So you don't want to take care of him. Taking care of him doesn't fulfill you, make you happy. But not taking care of him would make you miserable. [Arlene makes a little sound of acknowledgement then moves to Richard's bedside to move him into the wheelchair all by herself.] Arlene: Okay, here we go. [Richard lets out some grunting noises as she attempts to help him off the bed. House comes to stand by the bedside.] Arlene: I don't need your help, I've done this a million times. House: Here, let me... [They let Richard back down against the pillows.] House: Do that again, make that sound. [He leans in close to Richard's mouth and listens to the grunting sounds.] Arlene: What was that? House: That... was talking. (House bursts into the Diagnostics office with a box filled with files on top of his skateboard.) House: You guys are lousy doctors. You're in such a rush to make the patient feel better you forgot to check what was wrong. [He pushes the box on the skateboard across the table, Chase grabs the box and he grabs his skateboard back.] Chase: Yoga girl walked out of here 2 hours ago, you fixed her. House: Not her, the other guy. Cameron: He had brain cancer; they removed it 8 years ago. His condition's been the same ever since. House: Until last night, he spoke. Foreman: What'd he say? House: Guhhhhhhh. Chase: He grunted? Cameron: You want us to dissect 8 years of medical history with grunting in the differential? House: Sounds good. Call me when you're done. (Scene change - House is trying to balance himself on his skateboard which is perched on a low stone bench outside in the university somewhere. Wilson is standing a little off centre watching him.) Wilson: You're fabricating a mystery because you're bored. House: I am not bored. [He attempts to do a trick where he pushes the skateboard down from the stone bench to the ground, while attempting to stay on it. He falls off.] Damn it. Wilson: You didn't tell the wife it was only a grunt? House: Of course not, because then she would never have consented to a bunch of dangerous tests. I don't remember you being this bitchy. Wilson: The Vicodin dulled it, in the sober light of day I'm a buzz kll. You're giving false hope to a family that's been wrecked. Don't trture them, let it go, tell the wife it was only a grunt, tell her to go home. House: Can't let her down like that, pumped her up with too much false hope. [He attempts the trick again and this time, he sticks on the skateboard.] Oh! I stuck that primo! How rad am I? [Wilson's only reaction is to look resigned.] [Scene changes to House continuing to skate down a busy pathway; some girls walk past him and one looks back at him. He smiles back at her before suddenly grabbing that same old spot on his leg - it seems the pain has come back. He picks the skateboard up and keeps walking.] (Scene shifts to the Ducklings in the corridor outside the Diagnostics office. It looks like late evening outside, they look tired and have the files strewn all over the floor.) Foreman: 2002, patient had dry eyes. Chase: Dry eyes plus a grunt, it all makes sense. Foreman: He had neurological issues. Cameron: I get hay fever, I put drops in my eyes, I don't go to a neurologist. Foreman: Dry eyes could indicate an autonomic dysfunction; goes on the board. Chase: What about coughing or boogers. Should we include boogers? Foreman: I'm happy we're doing this, I'd much rather do this than lengthen some guy's tendon. Patient's headaches increased. Doc scanned his head, found a tumor. Cameron: You like wasting your time? Foreman: I'm learning. Cameron: To do what? Reconsider solved cases because you don't want to deal with the real world? He's pushing when there's nothing. Foreman: Cameron, you are an excellent doctor, you'll get lots of tearful thank yous from grateful patients. Cameron: Yeah, am I such a bitch for wanting that? Foreman: No, it's not a bad thing, but it's not why I'm here. I took this fellowship to learn from House. Cameron: He's teaching you to be a masochist. [Foreman smiles.] Chase: Dry eyes, goes on the board. (The next sht we see is of the whiteboard, with about a gazillion different symptoms on it dating back 8 years - the next day.) [The Ducklings all look worn out and exhausted.] Foreman: In 8 years the patient experienced 214 symptoms, many of them repeating. House: Any patterns? Chase: Fever plus frequent urination could mean prostatitis. Foreman: Or a urinary tract infection. Chase: White count was normal, no infection. Foreman: If you add pain into the mix, fever, frequent urination could indicate a kidney problem. House: I like it. Chase: No, creatinine and BUN were both normal. House: Not the kidney part, the pain part. Abdominal pain plus all that stuff could equal a pancreatic cyst. Cameron: Perfect, you managed to pick the one symptom he never had. Abdominal pain. House: It's the first symptom on the board. Grunt. Cameron: Grunting isn't pathognomonic for abdominal pain. House: No, traditional diagnostic marker is compression of the diaphragm, vibration of the larynx leading to the audible sound 'I have a pain in my abdomen'. Cameron: Richard's symptoms are culled from 8 years of medical history. They're not patterned. These are random individual events over time. House: Illnesses have incubation periods. Do an upper endoscopic ultrasound. Foreman: His throat will collapse, muscle degeneration in his neck won't tolerate the scope, it's an atmatic trach! House: You're talking about him like he's an invalid. Chase: Yeah, we're insensitive. House: Does he drool? Can he hold his neck straight? Does he choke on his food? His neck's fine, his throat's not going to collapse. Cameron, get consent from the wife. (Scene changes to Chase performing the upper endoscopy on Richard while Foreman watches.) Chase: Open. [No response. Chase has to pry Richard's jaw open and spray the sedative into the back of the throat.] I need you to swallow. [Again no response; Chase closes the patient's mouth and squeezes his nose, forcing him to swallow.] Sorry about that. Here we go. [He starts feeding the scope into Richard's mouth.] Passing through the lower esophageal sphincter into the atrium of the stomach. [He turns on the ultrasound.] There's the tail of the pancreas. Foreman: Looks clean. Chase: Moving medially, the body and the head of the pancreas look clean. [Suddenly Richard starts choking on the scope.] Foreman: Get it out, get it out! [Richard's teeth have clamped on to the scope however.] Chase: It's stuck, I can't move it. His throat's collapsed. [Alarms start beeping and Foreman quickly gets the equipment to do a tracheotomy.] Foreman: Vitals all over the place. We're losing him. Chase: Cutting. (Scene cuts to Ducklings sitting together outside in the university while House skates around on his skateboard in front of them.) Chase: We trached him, endoscopically removed the probe and he's breathing again. So, all in all, great idea. House: Get a look at the pancreas before the world ended? Foreman: It was clean. Cameron: Which means barring anything else, meaning you, he can go home tomorrow. House: This man nearly died. How can you discharge him? Cameron: His throat collapsed because of what we predicted. Foreman: You stick something down someone's throat, they gag, spasm, which he did. It took us a half an hour to get that thing out. House: Except that our patient's throat was sedated. Which means the brain should have sent a signal not to do anything. This could be cancer, or some bizarre neuro-degeneration, even a new type of vasculitis-- Cameron: Stop it. [She stands up and stands in his way so he can't skateboard past her.] You're enjoying this. House: I find it interesting. Cameron: It's interesting only if you're right; if you're wrong we're torturing this guy to amuse you. House: [Turns to Foreman.] Half hour to remove the probe? [Foreman nods.] Cameron: House. House: It's not a spasm. His throat didn't collapse, it locked down. Brain is supposed to tell every muscle in the body to relax and contract at the same time, this muscle was only contracting which means a signal from the brain was not getting through. Foreman: There are no lesions on his brain, nothing to interrupt the new orders. House: All it takes is one wire down. Foreman: You have no evidence of any wires down. House: A few micro-tumors on the meninges, suddenly you're choking to death. Chase: You want to look at the lining of his brain? The amount of contrast material you need to pump up there just to see it-- Foreman: He will bleed into his brain! House: No, he won't. Cameron: Because that wouldn't be interesting. You can get permission this time. (Scene changes to House talking to Arlene.) House: The brain is enclosed in a sac called the meninges-- Arlene: Does this mean that the cancer's back? House: No, no, no, no. Cameron [Walking up to them suddenly.] House! House: If we found cancer, it wouldn't be the original cancer. It'd be new. Arlene: So what, more surgery? More radiation? House: Might not be the worst thing. If this isn't just ancient history then maybe it's something we can correct. Might even get some brain function back. Arlene: He could get better? Cameron: No! [House and Arlene look up at Cameron.] House: But understanding what you're saying would be nice. Maybe you can figure out ways to communicate. Arlene: Thank God he spoke to you. [She takes the consent form from him and is about to sign it.] Cameron: Mrs. McNeil, the test to do this is very risky. He could die. Arlene: He's already dad. [She signs the form.] (Scene changes to Richard being prepped by Chase before going into the MRI machine; Foreman is in the little office behind the computer.) Foreman: Chase, go slow. Chase: Already injected it into his spinal canal. Next stop, his brain. [Richard is sent into the MRI machine.] [Checks are done and we see the scans on the screen in front of Foreman.] Foreman: Contrast material entering into the fourth ventricle. No parenchymal bleeds. Chase: Blood pressure's high. But it's holding. Foreman: Meninges are intact, no bleeding. [Chase gets Richard out of the MRI, but upon inspection...] Chase: Oh, God. Foreman, get in here! [Richard has been bleeding out of his ear.] (Next sht is a beautiful one of House sitting alone on a stool in the middle of a room plastered with scans from the MRI.) [Enter the Ducklings.] Chase: Surgeon repaired the CSF leak. Cameron: You're lucky he didn't die. House: I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die. Cameron: We told you he'd hemorrhage. House: Told me he'd bleed into his brain, not out of his ear. Cameron: You've got to drop this. House: We're missing something. Foreman: We did a dangerous test and something bad happened, that's all this is. House: [Gets off the stool and starts looking at the scans up close.] Give me a tour of the brain, Foreman. Walk me through the scans. 1998, what happened? Foreman: 5 cm grade 4 astrocytoma between the parietal-- House: Nothing. Next, a speck on the superior temporal region. Foreman: It's a regrowth, benign. House: Star thingy next to the Rathke cleft. Chase: Scar tissue from the biopsy. Cameron: House every speck is not a suspect, its years of surgeons digging around in his head. Let him go. House: Re-do every blood test he's ever had. Re-scan his head. Cameron: No. [House turns around to look at her.] He's been sick and suffering for 8 years, I'm not going to help you make it worse; I'm not going to help you make it interesting. House: That's ok, Foreman's better at that stuff than you are. We need 5mm cuts through the occipital and hypothalamic regions. Foreman: No. [Everyone looks over at Chase who looks undecided for a moment.] Chase: How many millimeters? [House looks at Cameron like, 'this is why he's bee around longer than anyone else.'] (Scene cuts to Cuddy's office.) House: I can help him. Cuddy: That's it? That's your argument? House: Seems like a good one. Cuddy: If I thought for a second you wanted to help him, you'd have carte blanche. You're doing this because it's fun. House: Does nobody in this hospital have anything better to talk about than my motives? My motives have nothing to do with the case. Cuddy: Your motives have everything to do with your judgment. House: For the first time in years I've got no opiates in my body, now you question my judgment. Cuddy: 24 times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Only you never say those words, you say something like his pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fre! You come here with medicine, not with platitudes. House: I didn't want to bore you with the details. Cuddy: There are no details, you've a hunch. House, you don't use hunches, you always have reasons. This hospital doesn't exist for your whims. I'm sorry. As of 7 am tomorrow morning, I'm sending your patient home. (Scene cuts to House entering Wilson's office.) Wilson: The answer's no. Cuddy called 30 seconds after you left and said you'd try an end around. [House looks a little shocked but closes the door and goes to the balcony door while Wilson continues his work. House plays with the switch for the light in Wilson's office to Wilson's annoyance, but House looks very morose as he continues to stare out on to the balcony.] House: My leg hurt. Wilson: [Looks up suddenly.] How bad? House: Enough that I'm telling you. Wilson: Did it go away? House: Ached for a while. First time I felt anything there since the surgery. Wilson: But it went away? House: It was muscular, it was some cramping. [Wilson smiles.] What are you smiling about? Wilson: You're 40 something years old, you've been running God knows how many miles a day, fallen a hundred times off that skateboard and you're shocked to have some soreness? House: Just give me a prescription. Wilson: For Vicodin? House, people get aching joints, cramps, they put on an ice pack, they take some ibuprofen. House: I know what the pangs of middle age feel like. Wilson: No, you don't, because you've been stuffing vicodin every 5 minutes since you turned middle age. House: The surgery didn't work. Wilson: Don't play me. House: You think this is a scam? Wilson: I think you want me to feel sorry for you and either do the end around on Cuddy or give you the drugs. [He takes his pad of prescription slips and puts it away in a drawer under his desk deliberately to make his point.] Either way, you get the high you think you need. [House resignedly is about to leave the room.] House, your surgery worked, you're fine. It's just going to take time for it to feel good. (Scene changes to night time, House is jogging again until he reaches the University. He tries to get a drink of water from the water fountain but it doesn't seem to be enough to quench his thirst or the heat of his body. He spots the much bigger fountain and decides to jump right into it and stands under the spray while he recovers his breath. He stands looking very puzzled for a moment before it's obvious he's just gotten an idea.) (Scene changes to Cuddy sleeping, she wakes up suddenly hearing a noise. She quickly slips out of bed, turning on the lights and goes to the window to check where the noise is coming from when suddenly House pops up, scaring her. She turns away to calm herself down.) House: [Whispered.] Come on. [He gestures for her to open her window so he can talk to her.] [She draws the curtains and opens the window.] House: Circumventricular system sends his cytokines, releasing the early stages of the immune response but CDOS releases prostaglandins that reset the hypothalamic set point upward, unless it's countered by antipruritic therapy. [He's panting as he says this obviously having run to Cuddy's house.] So yeah, his brain's on fre. The su1c1de attempt was not a su1c1de attempt; he drove that wheelchair into the pool because he couldn't regulate his body temperature. He had hypothalamic dysregulation. Cuddy: And you discovered this when you stepped into the university pool? [She fetches him a towel and hands it through the window.] House: Fountain. I can cure him. Cuddy: Cure him? Even if the fountain proved anything, fixing hypothalamic dysregulation isn't going to regenerate brain. House: No, but if the scar tissue on his hypothalamus is resting against the pituitary, the adrenals would shut down. Addison's disease. Cuddy: You didn't see any scar tissue on his MRI, his CT scan-- House: His brain is functional. Cuddy: His temperature's normal. There is nothing wrong with his hypothalamus or his pituitary! House: I can make him walk! I can make him talk! Cuddy: This is a wild guess! That came to you because you were... sweating. House: Inject him with cortisol. The guy will have sex with his wife again, he'll hug his kid again. Hopefully that's the combination he was using, it'd be a shame if I'd cured a pedophile. [Cuddy smiles despite herself.] You're smiling, that's a bad sign. Cuddy: [She nods.] You're high. House: I told you, I haven't had anything in 3 months. Cuddy: This is as high as you get. A theory that ties your case up in a neat little bow but you don't have a lick of substantiating proof. House: [Sighs.] Your decision doesn't make any sense. There is no risk to a cortisol injection. If I'm wrong, big deal. He goes home a vegetable like he already is, but if I'm right-- Cuddy: This isn't about downsides or risk management. It is a big deal for you to understand the word no! I'm sorry, House. [She shuts her window and draws her curtains again, leaving House alone still outside her window.] (The next day, House is sitting alone in his office in deep thought.) [Wilson enters the office.] Wilson: He's on his way out of here. Figure you'd be on your scooter racing down the halls to sab the patient in the neck with cortisol. House: She was right to say no. I had no objective reason to think that I was right. Just needed the puzzle. (Scene cuts to Cuddy watching from down the corridor as Arlene and Mark walk behind a nurse controlling Richard's wheelchair. They're waiting for the elevator.) [Cuddy looks rather red-eyed when she suddenly makes a decision.] Cuddy: Hold on a sec. [They stop.] Arlene: Everything alright? Cuddy: Yeah, it's just something I forgot. [She quickly takes out a needle and a piece of cotton swab. She tugs Richard's shirt down at his shoulder, swabs the skin and takes the needle out.] Mark: What's that? Cuddy: This is cortisol [She injects it into Richard quickly.] and it's to fight infection. [She finishes, and then gestures to Arlene to keep holding the shirt down.] Want to hold on to that? Just put a bandage on it. [She puts on a quick plaster and looks at Richard a little warily. Arlene tugs Richard's shirt back into place as Cuddy tests Richard's pupil reflexes with a pen light. There seems to be no reaction at all.] Mark: Is he ok? Cuddy: [Softly.] Yes. Arlene: Can we go now? Cuddy: You can go. [Cuddy walks back down the corridor completely dejected and the McNeil's walk into the elevator.] Arlene: Excuse me. [To the person coming out of the elevator.] [As the nurse is about to wheel Richard in however, Richard's arm twitches. He gasps in a breath and starts to move his hands to unbuckle himself from the wheelchair. Arlene watches this in shock and gets back out of the elevator.] Arlene: Richard! Richard... [Cuddy turns back to watch in shock as well as Richard puts his feet on the floor.] Mark: Dad, you ok? [Richard is actually attempting to lever himself out of the wheelchair and on to his feet. Arlene rushes up to him to help him.] Arlene: Richard? Richard! Richard! [Richard is practically on his feet though completely unsteadily, hugging his wife. She's crying in relief and happiness. Richard smiles and Cuddy starts to cry too.] Arlene: Richard... you're... you're standing. [Richard makes a happy sound in response, nodding at what she said.] [Richard turns to hug Mark and the whole family has a nice happy reunion.] Arlene: [To Cuddy.] Thank you. (A sht of House pacing in his office unhappily, completely unaware of what's happened.) (sht changes back to Cuddy talking to Wilson in the same corridor, but the McNeil's have already left by this stage.) Cuddy: He got up. I have to go tell House. Wilson: No. Cuddy, you can't tell him. Cuddy: I have to tell him. He was right! Wilson: Why did you do it? Why did you think he might be right? Cuddy: Because he's House? Wilson: Medically, what made you think he was right? Cuddy: Nothing. Wilson: He got lucky, that's all that happened. Telling him no was a good thing because next time he won't get lucky, he'll k*ll someone. Just because he was right doesn't mean he wasn't wrong. [The wonderful theme song 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' by the Rolling Stones starts playing in the background.] [Wilson and Cuddy stare at each other for a moment.] Cuddy: I see him every day, I can't just... Wilson: Everybody lies. (Scene changes to night time, the music keeps playing. House is sitting alone in his office when he suddenly decides to walk out on to the balcony, across the wall and into Wilson's office. Wilson is long gone as House switches on the light, takes out Wilson's pad of prescription slips, takes up the pen and writes himself a prescription of Vicodin before taking that slip and putting the pad back where it was and switching off the lights.)	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x01 - Meaning"}	foreverdreaming
[Opens on a mother opening the bedroom door on a young boy.] Clancy: Mom! I'm thirsty. Mom: I just gave you water. Clancy: I want juice. Mom: It's bedtime. Close your eyes and go to sleep. [She leaves.] Clancy: Mom! [His dad opens the door.] Dad: What do you want, Clance? Clancy: Oh. Hi, Dad. Dad: Go to bed. Clancy: Can I turn the TV on? Dad: TV is only for the day. Clancy: I'll keep the volume down; I just like the light. Dad: Go to bed. Clancy: Dad, what if... [Whispers.] what if they come to get me again? Dad: Nobody is coming to get you, okay? Go to bed, now. [Clancy puts on his glasses - making him look like a little Harry Potter - and turns on the TV, with the sound off. It starts to change channels without him doing anything. Then, things start to fall off the shelves, and a bright light and strong wind flies through his shutters. He screams.] [The next morning.] Dad: Come on Clancy, it's time to get up. [Clancy is no where to be found.] I guess he's already up. Mom: Well, that's a first. Dad: I'll, uh, I'll see if he needs breakfast. Hey, Clance, you hungry? [Mom goes and turns off the TV.] Hon, he's not down here! Mom: You sure? Clancy? Clancy? Clancy! Where are you? Sweetie, are you hiding? [The parents start to search throughout the house.] Dad: Clancy! Mom: Where is he? Dad: Clancy! Mom: Clancy! Dad: You're going to be in big trouble when I find you! Mom: Honey, come out right now! Wherever you are, this is not funny! Dad: Clance! Mom: Clancy! [The sht widens to Clancy, lying on the grass outside, with a large bloodstain on the back of his pants.] [Cut to House, in his flat, tying up his sneakers in preparation for a run. He grabs his iPod shuffle, goes out the door, and comes back 10 seconds later with his hand on his right leg. He goes to his coat pocket and grabs some Vicodin, toes off his shoes, and limps off.] [Cut to House entering the hospital lobby.] Wilson: Ah. Where's the sweat and the B.O? You've taken such pride bathing us in your personal musk. House: Showered at home. Cuddy: And yet you're earlier than usual. House: Is this an intervention? It's a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics. Cuddy: If you still did your morning run and showered at home you'd be later than usual. House: Thought of you in the shower. Cuddy: How's your leg? You seem to be favoring your left side. House: I was hanging down my right pant leg yesterday. Makes all the difference in the world. [Gets into the elevator.] Wilson: You've taken the stairs every day. House: Do I need a restraining order? Cuddy: You slack on your rehab, the muscle will weaken, and your leg will hurt again. [House closes the elevator door.] Wilson: Looks like the ketamine treatment might not stick. Cuddy: Or maybe we've made him depressed because we're lying to him. Telling him he got that case wrong. Wilson: We didn't hurt him. The pain isn't - Cuddy: He gets depressed, he stops exercising. He stops exercising, the muscle atrophies. The muscle atrophies, the pain returns. Wilson: Maybe he stops exercising because the giant hole in his leg actually hurts. Cuddy: The ketamine could work perfectly and he would still be back on his cane, popping Vicodin again. Wilson: You can't tell him. He got lucky; there was no medical - Cuddy: He was right! Wilson: We tell him he was right, and we're feeding his addiction. Without Vicodin, he's only got one to focus on. Cuddy: Well, he's not going to OD on puzzles. Wilson: No, it's not going to hurt HIM. But he could just as easily have klled that patient. We have a tiny window of time here where House may be healthy enough to change and, based on that limp, the window's closing fast. [Diagnostics.] Chase: Kid is a product of an in vitro fertilization pregnancy. Had all his vaccinations, fractured his right ulna at age three, chicken pox at age five - House: He ever get his feelings hurt? I'll need to know that, too. Foreman: You are 0 for 1 since you came back. You just want to make sure - Cameron: Rectal bleeding plus alien abduction fantasy is most likely sexual abuse. Penetration causes the bleed, trauma causes the fantasy. Foreman: ER ran a rpe kit, found no evidence of tearing, semen, or pubic hairs. Chase: Maybe we should talk to the kid. House: Why, in case he's telling the truth? You're a believer, aren't you? Chase: Well, I'm just not arrogant enough to think that of the 50 billion galaxies, 100 billion stars per galaxy, and 10 million billion planets in the universe that we're the only ones with life. House: No. But I'm guessing we're the only ones who like shoving things through our back doors. Foreman: There is new research indicating a link between neurological problems and bleeding disorders. House: Perfect. Especially if there were neurological problems. Foreman: What part of "hallucinating an alien abduction" isn't neurological? House: Well, why is that a hallucination? Chase: What? You think the kid - House: He's having nightmares. Nightmares aren't a symptom of anything, other than wanting to sleep with Mommy. Which just leaves us with one symptom: the bloody tuchas, which can easily be explained by a GI problem or a bleeding disorder. Check his coags with PT, PTT, and bleeding time. And prep him for endoscopies from above and below. [Cut to Chase taking samples from Clancy.] Chase: We're going to make a tiny nick in your forearm, okay? And we're going to time how long it takes for you to stop bleeding. Now, this is going to sting a little, so you might want to look the other way. [Chase nicks him and put the scalpel down.] Clancy: Are those windows locked? Chase: Those windows don't even open, they're just here to let sunshine in. Clancy: Good, 'cause they know I'm here. Mom: Clancy, don't bother the doctor with this stuff. Chase: No, it's okay. How do they know you're here? Clancy: They put a chip in my neck so they can keep track of me. I can feel it back there. Mom: Clancy, you know there is nothing back there. Clancy: There is! Chase: Let me see. Lean forward. Clancy: And they have this other thing, and they put it in between these two ribs, always on this side, and then they move it around my insides. It hurts. Chase: You know what, Clancy? I think I might have found the chip back there. And I think I might be able to get it out. Clancy: Really? Chase: Mm hmm. [Quick wink to the parents.] Okay, lean forwards. Now hold very still, okay? [He picks at Clancy's neck with some tweezers.] Got it! Clancy: I'm seven, not three. All you did was pinch my neck. Chase: Sorry. [Cut to the team in the hallway.] Chase: His alien abduction story... the level of detail is... I don't know where he gets it from. The parents say he doesn't watch sci-fi, he doesn't read comic books - House: Great! You do any of that medical stuff we talked about? Foreman: Upper and lower endoscopies were clean. House: So it's a simple bleeding disorder. Chase: No, blood tests were all normal. And he clotted in six minutes. House: So it's a simple bleeding disorder and you screwed up the test. Chase: I didn't screw up the test! House: So it's a UFO, unidentified flowing orifice. Either you screwed up the test, or I screwed up my analysis of this case. If you screwed up, I don't have to cry myself to sleep. It's a simple bleeding disorder. Foreman, redo the test. Chase: How could I screw up a simple bleeding time test? Foreman: Maybe you were abducted; lost time. [Cut to Foreman leaving Clancy's room.] Foreman: Kid's got a bleeding disorder. House: You sure? Foreman: Had to stop the bleeding myself after 25 minutes. [Cut to them entering Diagnostics; Chase is working at the table.] House: So you're saying Chase did screw up. Chase: Or Foreman screwed up. Foreman: Big hand points to minutes. Maybe you got them mixed up? House: Oh, snap! Foreman's playing the dozens; you're at a cultural disadvantage here. Take a few minutes to think up a witty retort. Cameron: So we have contradicting bleeding time tests. If we run labs to check his clotting factors we can confirm which one's right. House: Yeah, testing, nice idea. Way better than trying to guess which doctor's incompetent. Much better than the paperwork, too. Chase: [Who really has been thinking up a retort.] Hey, Foreman. Your momma's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up. [And... no. Denied.] [Cut to Chase, later, entering Clancy's room, but Clancy's not in his bed. Chase wakes up his mother.] Chase: Where's Clancy? Mom: He's asleep, he's - [Cut to House, about to leave the hospital.] Chase: House! Clancy's gone missing. House: Oh, no! Well, you take Alpha Centauri, Foreman can look on Tatooine, and Cameron can set up an intergalactic checkpoint. Let's pray he hasn't gone into hyperdrive! We'll never catch him. [Cut to Clancy, in a bathroom somewhere in the hospital. He's digging into his neck with some sharp implement. Chase barges in.] Chase: Clancy? Clancy: I had to go where there was no windows, so I could get the chip out, like you said! Chase: Oh, God. Clancy: I can feel it, I just can't grab it - Chase: Clancy, stop! There is no chip! We're going to clean you up, and we're going to go back to your room. You can't do things like this. Your parents... [Chase stops, because he sees something shiny through the blood.] [Diagnostics.] House: Results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. They said it might not even be terrestrial. Chase: Really? House: No, you idiot! It's titanium. Like from a surgical pin, like the kind the kid had inserted into his broken arm four years ago, nice medical history. Chase: That pin was removed six months after - House: So what, a little piece broke off during removal. Chase: Titanium is used to build nuclear subs, pieces don't just break off. House: Tell that to the guys on the Kursk. Chase: And how exactly did it get from his arm to the back of his neck? Foreman: Body attcks any foreign object. Inflammatory reaction could have eroded into a vein, fragment gets a free ride. Chase: To his lungs, maybe. Not his neck. House: Yeah. An alien chip makes more sense. The real mystery is you didn't actually screw up. [He stumbles.] Cameron: You okay? House: Fine. I tripped. Kid carved a hole in the back of his neck, apparently didn't bleed to death. Now that's weird. Foreman: He clotted on his own? House: Sure did. So first there was no bleeding disorder, then there was, now there's not again. Cameron: Which is impossible. Chase: Or Foreman screwed up. Two out of three tests agree with my findings. House: Lucky for us, the fourth test will be the charm. [Cut to the team and Clancy's parents in the hallway.] Mom: So you're just going to keep cutting him, until what? Foreman: This test is different. We'll draw some blood and see if any clotting factors are low or missing. Dad: But why haven't the other tests - Chase: We've had three results that haven't been consistent. One of them must be wrong. Foreman: Or two of them. [They look at each other.] Mom: Is it possible the problem isn't his blood? It's just psychological? I mean, he almost klled himself. Chase: He wasn't trying to hurt himself. Mom: No, he was just looking for an alien tracking device. [Clinic.] Cameron: I have time for one more. Brenda: I don't blame you for spending extra time down here. Heard the Artist-Formerly-Known-as-Gimp is back upstairs. [Cameron tries to take it a chart off the counter.] Oh, Dr. Cuddy wants that one. Cameron: She's busy, I'll take it. [Cameron enters the exam room and sees Richard, the patient from last week.] Oh, my God! You're, uh, you're okay! Richard: Have we met? Cameron: I was one of your doctors. You were in a vegetative state when you left here last week. Richard: Addison's disease. All I needed was cortisol, and my brain turned on like a switch. Cameron: This is amazing! Richard: Surprised you didn't know. Cameron: How would I know? Richard: Not quite my old self yet. Baby steps, the doctors tell me. Cameron: With rehab you'll do great. What hospital did you go to? How would I - Richard: I want to have sex with my wife. Cameron: Oh. Richard: And I was hoping that maybe you could - Cameron: Viagra. You're here for Viagra? Richard: A bucketful would be nice. [He grins. Cuddy enters; Richard stands with aid of walker.] Dr. Cuddy! Hi! [Cuddy's office.] Cameron: It's completely unethical! Cuddy: He was reckless with a patient. Cameron: He was right! Cuddy: But he didn't know that. He needs at least some glimmer of humility. Cameron: Why does he need that? Because other people have that? Why does he need to be like other people? Cuddy: He needs to be less reckless. Cameron: Well, you did it. He's dismissing symptoms, looking for easy solutions, he's in pain... Cuddy: How much pain? Cameron: Why? You know this is affecting him, don't you? Cuddy: Telling him that he got his last case right won't do anything to help him. Cameron: It'll make him less depressed. Cuddy: Which might not help his leg. Cameron: But you don't know! Cuddy: Just let me run a PET scan on his parietal thalamic area to see if it's sensing pain. If it is, the ketamine isn't working anymore and he's headed for a huge crash. If it's not, the leg pain is my fault and I will tell him the truth. [Cut to Chase doing yet another test on poor Clancy.] Chase: Too tight? Clancy: My parents think I'm crazy. Chase: No, they don't. They're just worried about you, that's all. Clancy: I'm not weird! It's just that weird things keep happening to me. Chase: Slight pinch. Clancy: If you make me better, do you think the aliens will leave me alone? Chase: I don't think they're going to be bothering you for much longer. Clancy: You lying again? Chase: No. We figure this out, and everything's going to be okay. [As Chase draws blood, Clancy sees his arm turn white and his veins green. He begins to have trouble breathing.] Still with us? [Now Chase's hands look like they belong to an alien. The monitors beep.] Pulmonary edema, stage two hypertensive crisis! Mom: What is happening? Chase: Wait outside! Get him oxygen and start him on an IV drip of sodium nitroprusside. Get them outside! [Cut to House and Chase in a hallway.] Chase: He's in ICU, systolic is hovering around 170, I left instructions to lower it slowly so we don't risk hypoperfusing his organs. House: Tradeoff being that leaving his blood pressure that high risks stroke, MI, and blindness. Chase: I'm open to suggestions. House: Solve the case. Kidneys could - Chase: Kidneys are clean. [They enter the lab.] House: [Fingers crossed.] Tell me he's a mutant human hybrid. Foreman: It is a bleeding disorder. Clancy tested positive for von Willenbrand's. Chase: I didn't screw up. How could he clot on his own two out of three times? Cameron: Maybe he cheated. Chase: Right. Kids always cheat on their bleeding time tests. House: She was being metaphorical. Trying to sound like me. I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what the Rock was cooking. Cameron: I meant, he's clotting right now and he's in hypertensive crisis. Maybe the two are related. What if he was hypertensive the other two times that he clotted? House: Hypertensive crisis can activate clotting factors. Even someone low on von Willenbrand's could theoretically clot. Chase: And the first time Clancy clotted he was all worked up recounting his alien abduction; he could have easily have been hypertensive. House: I know I get worked up when I cut microchip tracking implants out of my neck. Cameron: Sounds like a cheat to me. House: Yeah, we get it. Okay, what's the differential for a seven-year-old boy suffering multiple hypertensive crises? [Cut to Chase talking to Clancy's parents outside the ICU.] Chase: We think the problem is in your son's heart. We need to do a procedure called a transesophageal echo. Dad: Okay, and that will fix his heart? Chase: That will tell us where the problem is. Hopefully. Then we can fix him. Listen, this isn't really part of my job, but... he's worried that you think he's crazy. Mom: Well, isn't he? Chase: There are still plenty of other explanations for what's going on. It's important he knows you believe in him, even if you don't. [Cut to the team looking at the echo.] Foreman: It's clean, his heart isn't the problem. House: Why don't I have hi-def in my office? I'm a department head! Chase: There are no structural defects. Cameron: Valves are intact. House: Tissue characterization is impossible when the pixels are the size of Legos. [Cut to some room with a plasma screen.] House: See, this is what I'm talking about. Foreman, you've got to steal this thing for me. Foreman: Let me ring up one of the homies. Chase: The clearer the image, the clearer it is that there are no masses, no clots, no tears. The problem's got to be somewhere else. House: We're gonna need a bigger boat. [Cut to the team watching in a movie theatre.] Foreman: You're wrong, House. Chase: Think he'll make us break into the IMAX before he admits it? House: There. Foreman: Where? House: Right there. Left side, no movement. [Cameron freezes the sht.] Well, don't freeze it! Something's not moving, how do you see something not move if nothing's moving? [She restarts it.] I need the laser pointer. Cameron: We don't have a laser pointer. House: Well, why not? Who's going to take us seriously if we don't have a laser pointer? Right here! [He jumps to point at the spot on the screen; as he lands he grimaces and clutches at his leg.] A few thousand myocytes not beating with the rest. Chase: So you found an arrhythmia. House: That's not an arrhythmia, that's a no-rhythmia. Myocytes contract, these aren't moving at all. Go get me those myocytes; I want to talk to them in my office. [Cut to Cuddy entering House's office.] Cuddy: How's the kid doing? House: Heart nearly exploded. Still beating, though. Most of it, anyway. Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click, "Yes, I am 18"? Even a 17-year-old can figure that out. Cuddy: What's going on with the leg? House: First, tell me what's going on with the boobs. Cuddy: If you're feeling pain - House: They're firmer. Cuddy: It's called an underwire. I want to get a PET scan of your brain. House: I think it's hormones. Cuddy: As long as there's no increased activity in the thalamus - House: Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business. Cuddy: -- Then the pain can be good. It could be muscle regenerating. After you work out, you get sore. Pain doesn't mean the ketamine failed. House: Guess I should be saying 'mazel tov.' Who gets to pass out the cigars? Cuddy: I'm not pregnant. I need to get a PET scan of your brain. House: Boy or girl? You got a name picked out? Cuddy: I'm not pregnant! House: My leg doesn't hurt. Cuddy: You're in denial! House: No, I'm not! Oh, you got me. If I thought my leg was deteriorating, don't you think I'd want to take steps to prevent that? Cuddy: [Sighs.] Okay. [House's beeper beeps.] House: Gotta go. [As he leaves, he fake stumbles. Cuddy helps him up; He gives her a look with a "ha".] [Lab.] Chase: Here's Clancy's DNA, and here's the DNA from the piece of that heart we just biopsied. [They don't match.] House: That is impossible. Run it again. Foreman: We already did. And once more after that. Cameron: The genes from Clancy's myocytes don't match the genes from the rest of his body. Chase: Alien DNA. [Diagnostics.] House: Anybody watch any X-Files that inspired an explanation? Foreman: There are ways DNA could become mutated. Extreme UV radiation. House: That much sun, he'd be dying with a healthy bronze glow. Cameron: Nitrous acid or ethidium bromide exposure. House: So first Daddy was a rpist, now he's a chemist. Chase: Various species of fungus have been proven mutagenic. House: Not unless the kid's been eating barrels of celery or living in Indonesia, or both. [While this is going on, House has limped from the whiteboard to lean over the table.] Cameron: Is your leg hurting? House: Is that question helping? Cameron: You're leaning. House: You're sitting. Cameron: You're evading. House: My head's hurting. Please, someone give me a plausible, terrestrial explanation for this kid's alien DNA. Foreman: We could search his home for toxins, fungals, and radiation. Chase: Who cares what caused it? A kid comes in with strep, we don't conduct a search to see which classmate he got it from; we cure it. We know he's got this stuff inside of him; let's get a scalpel and cut it out. Cameron: Where do we cut? Chances are it's not just in his heart. Foreman: Well, we got lucky with the heart. Myocytes contract, we can see that these weren't working. I don't know how the hell we're going to find it anywhere else. Cameron: What if we find the heart cells with the bad DNA and we tag them? House: Can you phrase that in the form of a metaphor? Cameron: It's the same way we search for cancer. The bad DNA creates a unique protein on the surface of the affected cells. We create an antibody that recognizes only that protein and we flush it throughout his system, and the similar cells light up like light bulbs. House: Okay, let's do that. [Cut to Cameron walking up to Wilson and Cuddy on the second floor balcony.] Cameron: You have to tell him. Cuddy: He said he wasn't in any pain. Cameron: He's lying. Wilson: Of course he's lying. Cuddy: We need another plan. Wilson: Don't talk about it that way. Cuddy: What way? Wilson: Plan. Sounds like we're conspiring against him. Cameron: I'm going to tell him. Wilson: No, you're not. Cameron: Then come up with a cunning plan, and fast. [She stalks off.] Cuddy: She's not nearly as delightful as she thinks she is. [Cut to Chase administering a scan to Clancy. Cameron and Foreman are in the side room.] Clancy: What's this machine do? Chase: Makes a lot of noise and it's going to help us figure out what's wrong with you. Foreman: You think House has lost his step? Cameron: He's fine. There - clump of affected cells in the bone marrow of the femur. Explains the intermittent bleeding disorder. Foreman: 'Cause I don't need to subject myself to House's trture if there's no upside. Cameron: I'm telling you, he's fine. We missed some affected areas in his heart, explains the continuing hypertensive issues. Foreman: You said the last case really threw him, and now suddenly- Cameron: I was wrong. Foreman: So you changed your mind? Why? His brilliant ideas in this case have all been yours. Cameron: There's the reason for him needing glasses, apparently it's a symptom. Means the condition predates - Foreman: You don't change your mind without a reason. What do you know? Cameron: House didn't blow the last case. Cuddy cured the guy using House's idea. Cuddy and Wilson are trying to teach him some humility. Scan is complete. 3 hot spots but nothing in his brain. House's original theory was right - it is not neurological. [Cut to surgery on Clancy. The conversation is from the post-op.] Dad: Is he going to be able to walk? Chase: His leg should be functional after some rehab. Mom: Functional? What does that mean, he'll be able to walk, but not run? He'll have a limp? Chase: If everything goes well he'll walk, he'll run; he'll probably be even stronger than he is now. When we close him up, we'll move over to his other leg, snake a catheter up through the femoral artery, and into his heart. [CG sht of this being done.] Once the affected areas are removed, his normal tissue will step back in and do its job. He should have no more problems with his blood pressure. After confirming those areas are clear, we'll start our final procedure. We're going to insert a needle through the pupil and get rid of the abnormal cells in the retina. [Cut to Chase looking into Clancy's eyes.] Chase: Close your right eye. Can you see my face? Clancy: Yeah! It's clear! Chase: You can throw away your glasses. We got it all. Get some sleep, you're going home tomorrow. Clancy: Thank you. [Polite kid.] [Cut to Wilson entering House's office.] Wilson: You want to go for a run? House: What do you want? Wilson: I want you to run. [He throws House a bottle of Vicodin.] House: When did you become an enabler? Wilson: I'm enabling you to exercise. Vicodin blocks the pain, you get through your rehab, muscle strength increases, and pain decreases. House: I'd rather not become dependant on pain pills to get through my day. [He throws them back.] Wilson: You're just like any other patient - running away from knowledge that won't make you happy. House: I'm as happy as a pig in poop. Wilson: You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a tortuous window of the good life. House: What part of poop didn't you understand? Wilson: How can you be so sure it isn't just a sore muscle? House: It's my leg. We've known each other a long time. Wilson: You're not always right, House. You've proven that lately. [Cut to House running on the treadmill, stopping because of the pain, and then taking Vicodin. He limps back onto the treadmill and runs again.] [Cut to Clancy, who we see being lifted up off of his bed and levitated through a light in the window.] [Cut to the real world, where Clancy is seizing in bed.] Mom: What's happening to him? Chase: He's seizing. I need clonazepam! Dad: I thought you got it all! Chase: [Under his breath.] Yeah, yell at me, that'll fix the kid. [Cut to the team in House's office.] Cameron: Obviously we missed some foreign tissue. There's something still in him. Foreman: The hallucinations and seizures indicate problems in the temporal lobe. Sorry, House, it is neurological. Looks like you're wrong, again. Chase: We didn't miss anything. Brain scan was completely clean. House: Our tag must not have penetrated the blood-brain barrier. Don't use an IV this time; get it right into the brain. [Cut to Clancy, back in the scan.] Cameron: No cells are lighting up. His brain is clean. It is not neurological. [Cut to the team walking in the hallway. House is limping.] Foreman: His symptoms are neurological; his condition has to be neurological! Cameron: His scan was clean, twice! It's not there! [House sits making them pause.] House: What if it is there but didn't show up on the scan? What if the tag just doesn't work in his brain? Brain cells are structurally different, express a different protein. Chase: So how are we going to find it? [House walks away.] Cameron: Where are we going? House: I am going to think. [Cut to House in his office, bouncing his ball around, staring at the whiteboard, pacing, and...] House: Send the kid home. Cameron: What do you mean? House: Make sure his blood pressure's sab and send him home. Chase: Like nothing ever happened? House: We cured his bleeding disorder, removed all the damaged cells we could find. Chase: We don't know that we fixed anything, it's only been a day. Maybe these symptoms come and go like the blood disorder. House: It's more probable that his remaining symptoms are just a nightmare. Foreman: He had a convulsion. House: May be epilepsy, may be psychological, may be nothing. If the kid gets sick again it'll give us another clue, we can start searching again. If he doesn't, it doesn't matter. Send him home. [Cut to the parking garage, where House is about to drive off on his motorbike.] Cuddy: House! You're just giving up on this kid? House: You've got to know when to stop. Cuddy: You don't stop, you never stop, you just keep on going until you come up with something so insane that it's usually right. House: Except on my last case. Cuddy: Don't be pathetic. Just forget the last case. This kid obviously has something wrong with him. House: When did you develop such strong opinions about my patients? Last week you were convinced that my patient wasn't sick, now you're convinced this one is. Cuddy: This one is a young boy. His parents are desperate. Just get together with your team, spend a few extra hours - House: Well, I guess we could amputate his left leg. That's where we found most of it. Maybe we could just remove his affected eye completely. Cuddy: If you have reason to believe that that might help - House: I'm not going to start lopping off body parts, but it's interesting that you'd give me the green light. Cuddy: I just want you to do something. House: You've been overly supportive this entire week. Either you're hormonal or you're guilt-ridden. And it's too early in the pregnancy for this to be hormonal. Cuddy: I'm not pregnant. House: Then what did you do wrong? Cuddy: He had Addison's, your last patient. You were right. I gave him one sht of cortisol and he woke up like Rip van Winkle. House: [To Cuddy's belly.] Oh, your mommy's in such trouble. She's such a liar! That's why you don't have a daddy. That's why she had to - [And... epiphany.] [Cut to House entering Diagnostics.] House: How does one person end up with two different sets of DNA? Foreman: We've been through this. House: Our assumptions are faulty. Chase: We've confirmed two different sets of DNA, we re-ran the sequence. House: I didn't say the lab work was faulty, I said our assumptions were faulty. We assumed he's a person. Foreman: Of course, the aliens didn't just visit him, they replaced him. House: Well, you're being silly. What if he's not a person, what if he's two persons? Cameron: I'm not getting the metaphor. House: No metaphor. Chase, you said the mom used in vitro fertilization, right? Chase: Yeah, they had trouble conceiving. House: The kid was right all along, he was implanted with something. Back when he was really young, I mean really young, I mean twelve cells young. In vitro increases the likelihood of twinning. Cameron: But he doesn't have a twin. House: Not walking around. But in vitro fertilization costs about 25 grand a pop. [CGI of... well, cells merging.] So doctors implant about two to six embryos to make sure you get your money's worth. Problem is, there's not always enough bedrooms for all of the kiddies. Two brothers get stuck sharing, there's no bunk beds, so they cuddle up to keep warm. They never untangle. He's two people in one. It's called chimerism. [Scene morphs to House telling the parents.] House: Unfortunately, his brother's like a bad doubles partner. The guy just takes up space, gets in the way. Clancy's body thinks that he's going to put away the easy winners, but his brother just keeps swatting the balls into the net. We've got to get him off the court. Mom: So does that mean you can find the bad cells in his brain, or not? House: Sure, abandon the metaphor. Fine. Clancy thinks differently than his brother because he thinks. If we induce an alien abduction - Dad: Wait, what the hell are you talking about? House: The foreign DNA has got to be in a portion of your son's brain that makes him believe that he's being abducted. We stimulate those neurons with an electric probe; we can trick your son's brain into hallucinating. And your son's neurons will light up, and his brother's cells will remain dark. Those are the ones we cut out. Mom: You're talking about brain surgery. House: I'm talking about really cool brain surgery. One of your sons will die, but the taller one won't be so annoying any more. [Cut to Clancy being prepped for surgery.] Clancy: So I have a twin? Chase: Not really. What's on the card? Clancy: Light bulb. House: Start us out at ten. [House is doing the brain surgery. Wait, what? Clancy's arm twitches.] Clancy: I'm not doing that. House: That was all me, kid. Sorry. Foreman: You're in motor function. Try two centimeters back. Clancy: He lives inside me? Chase: Sort of. [House hits another part of Clancy's brain.] Clancy: Hee, that tickles! Stop tickling my feet! Foreman: You're in sensory, getting closer. Chase: What do you see on this one? Clancy: Moon and stars. So I am kind of weird? Chase: We're all kind of weird. [House touches his brain again.] Clancy: NO! Chase: Clancy? Foreman: We've got something. Chase: What do you see? Clancy: The light. Here they come, I think. Foreman: Brain waves indicate mild hallucination. Neurons lighting up. House: Any dark spots? Foreman: Area's too fuzzy. Hallucination isn't strong enough. House: Well, turn up the juice. Chase: His blood pressure's already 160/110. Any higher and - House: Riding the short bus is better than not breathing. Take us to 100. Foreman: Area's still too fuzzy to make any kind of distinction. House: Crank it up higher! Chase: You've already exceeded the preset maximum. Next step's brain damage. House: [In front of Clancy's face.] They're going to get you! They're coming through the walls. They're going to take you, trture you! You'll never see your parents again. [And all the CGI guys on House weep for joy, because all they really want to do is work in sci-fi, and here it is, an alien abduction scene, complete with bizarre probes.] Alien (Chase): Clancy, can you hear me? [The alien fades back into Chase.] Clancy? Clancy: You got them. Chase: Yep, we got them all. House: Close him up. Chase: Everything's going to be normal again. [Cut to House entering Wilson's office.] House: You believe what Cuddy tried to pull? Wilson: What now? House: She lied to me. She cured my patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it. Wilson: That doesn't sound like her. House: You're right. It does sound like you, though. Wilson: What exactly did Cuddy tell you? House: Nothing that your body language isn't telling me right now. So, what was the plan? That I'd feel so humble by missing a case that I'd reevaluate my entire life, question nature, truth, and goodness and become Cameron? Wilson: Something like that. More that if we told you the truth; that you'd solved the case based on absolutely no medical proof, that you'd think you were God. And I was worried your wings would melt. House: God doesn't limp. [House leaves and Wilson looks very, very tired.] [Cut to House entering his flat. He limps to his closet and pulls his cane out of his golf clubs, and gimps off to the song 'Gravity' by John Mayer.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x02 - Cane & Able"}	foreverdreaming
(Scene opens in a research lab, rats, surgical equipment and a doctor all appear over the background of J.S. Bach's "Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major, Prelude".) Doctor [To the lab rat he's just plucked from a cage.]: You're not gonna make this easy, are you? [He picks up a syringe.] Unfortunately; as much as I admire your spirit. [He puts the rat to sleep, starts autopsy recorder.] Subject anesthetized with .5 cc of sodium pentobarbital. Transfected with human hepatic cancer cells; underwent six rounds of intra-abdominal treatment with DS-22. [He uses scalpel to start cutting.] Vertical incision through the rectus sheath opens the abdominal cavity. Incision extended into [Coughs.] thorax. [Coughs again, loosens collar, appears to be having trouble breathing.] Liver appears normal in color, no apparent scarring or [Coughs as he turns liver over.] - Damn it! Cancerous tumor is still present, on the right lobe. 1.12 cm in diameter. No reduction. [Coughs and begins gasping. Picks up another rat but drops it; continues wheezing and gasping. Falls to knees. CGI of liquid in his trachea emptying into his lungs and filling them. He passes out with eyes open, looking dad; the rat he dropped falls onto his chest and begins nibbling at his lower lip.] (Scene opens on the conference room in the morning. He pushes door open with his cane. The ducklings look at him puzzled that he's using the cane again.] House: 71 year old cancer research specialist. Minor tremors, localized melanoma removed 2 years ago, cataracts. And he can't breathe. Also, disregard the facial lacerations. They're creepy, but unfortunately irrelevant. [He winks.] Don't you wanna know why? Cameron: You... have your cane. House: No, why the lacerations are creepy. He was about to dissect one of his lab rats when he collapsed. The little vermin seized the day, so to speak and went medieval on his ass. [The Ducklings stare at him with frowns.] What, my fly open? Foreman: So the... the pain's returned. House: There was no pain, he was unconscious. I'm guessing, because he wasn't able to breathe. Cameron: We're talking about you. House: Obviously. I'm obviously not. What is it with you people? I don't use the cane, you're shocked. I use the cane... Cameron: We're just concerned. House: About the wrong person. I can breathe. Ezra Powell on the other hand, is gonna die. Foreman: THE Ezra Powell??? Chase: The researcher? The guy who wrote that textbook? House: That* textbook, THE textbook. Cameron: Wait - there's actually another doctor you admire? House: I... admire lots of doctors. 'Course most of them look a lot better in knee socks than Ezra Powell, but seeing as they can all breathe. Chase: Oxygenation is through the floor and lungs are full of fluid. Gotta be his heart; could be amyloidosis. [He holds up the chest x-ray.] Foreman: Or his lungs; probably from using and inhaling toxic chemicals in his lab. [Camera focuses on House, grimacing in pain.] Chase: It's not the lungs. Chest x-ray is clean. Foreman: So's his EKG, it's not his heart. House: You're being too nice. [He looks up at them.] Outside the hospital he can't breathe, inside the hospital he can. Means we help, at least enough to screw with our test results. The source of the problem's either in his heart or his lungs. So all we gotta do is stop helping, put a little pressure on him, and see which gives out first. Chase: At 71, we get his heart or lungs to give out we might not get 'em to give in again. House: That's why we're gonna do it in a hospital. Put him on an incline treadmill and do a stress EKG. [He grabs a donut and limps into his office with the cane.] Foreman: So much for the admiration. (Scene changes to a procedure room; Cameron is helping Powell start the stress test.) Cameron: Let's get you started. [Powell can't quite get out of the wheelchair.] I'll turn your oxygen up. Powell [Getting on the treadmill.]: I... I worked with Williams on the first protocol for this machine. Cameron: Everyone still uses it. Powell: Except for Williams. He died four years ago. Cameron: I'm sorry. Powell [Nodding.]: He was 84. He died parasailing. He was always [Gasps.] an idiot. Cameron [Smiling.]: You okay? [Powell begins to walk.] Hang in there. You know the protocol's only a few minutes. (Inside the viewing room watching Cameron, Powell and the monitors.) Foreman: His heart rate's flat. We don't get it past 130, we're not gonna see anything. Chase: And if he falls and breaks a hip, we're not gonna see anything Either; except an increase in our malpractice insurance. Cameron [Joining them.]: I figured House might go back to the pills, but if he's using his cane he's right back to where he was before. Maybe even worse. Chase: Luckily he'll handle it in a stoic, grown-up fashion -- he'd never take it out on us. [Foreman nods.] Powell [Panting hard now.]: I can't. I... I gotta stop. Cameron [Through the intercom from the viewing room.]: Just a little longer. [Powell stumbles.] Foreman: His heartbeat's only 90. I'm gonna increase the incline. [Cameron goes into the procedure room with Powell.] Powell: I gotta stop. I... I... I gotta get off. Cameron: You're doing great, just a little faster, okay? Powell: I don't need a cheerleader, I need oxygen. Cameron [Pushes stop button on the treadmill.]: Stop, this isn't working. (Exiting elevator on the first floor.) House: His heart rate barely got above 90. Cameron: He can't breathe, there's too much fluid in his lungs. House [Extremely sarcastic and animated.]: REALLY!? He's got FLUID in his lungs, whatever are we gonna do?? Oh yeah, now I remember. [Hands results back to her.] Put him on a treadmill and run him like one of his rats on a wheel. Cameron: He can't run, he can hardly walk. House: It's 'cause he's not trying hard enough. If he was, his heart rate would go up. Cameron: Exercising with a lung full of your own bodily fluids tends to hurt. House: They don't call it a stress test for nothing. Do it again. Cameron: He's drowning! House [Entering clinic.]: Then pull him outta the pool, and... Do. It. Again. [Powell's room, he's having his lungs aspirated by Chase.] Powell [Coughing]: I'm assuming this isn't your idea of a long term solution. Cameron: We need to get rid of the fluid in your lungs, so you'll be able to do the test. Powell [Nodding.]: To see if it's my heart, or my lungs. Cameron: Exactly. Powell: My money's on both. [Sighs.] I've been in and out of the hospital for the past year. I'm old. And sick. I'm getting older and sicker. Not a very interesting differential, but... [Grimaces in pain as the needle goes in.] Oh! Chase: I'm in. [Tight sht on the syringe and Powell grimacing.] (In the Clinic. House has a tongue depressor in a bald guy's mouth and is shining a light in. A young blonde teenager, presumably the bald guy's daughter, is in the room watching.) Dad [Talking despite the tongue depressor.]: You don't need a $400 handbag. House: It's kinda hard to check your throat when you're flapping your gums around. Dad [Around tongue depressor.]: Oh... sorry. Daughter: But it's for the fall formal. House [Substituting for Dad, in a faux fatherly voice.]: He doesn't care if it's for the presidential inauguration. Dad [Agreeing around the tongue depressor.]: Uh huh. Daughter: But I'm using Marissa's old dress, it's free. House [In Dad voice.]: Yeah, you know what else is free? The roof over your head, the food you eat, [The girl frowns at House.] your phone, your computer. [He takes the tongue depressor out of Dad's mouth and addresses him.] How long have you been congested? Dad: All week, ever since we got back from Fresno. House [Feeling Dad's glands.]: Fresno. That's in France, right? See the Parthenon? [The girl leans back against counter and smiles at House.] Dad: Uh, California. I've got no appetite, I'm aching all over, I'm weak... House [Pushing 2 fingers on the guy's forehead sinuses and interrupting.]: Does that hurt? Dad: Yeah. House [To daughter.]: Does his voice always have that unattractive nasal tone? Daughter [Laughs.]: Totally. House [Smiling at her slightly.]: I'm gonna take that giggle as a no. Fever, aches, weakness, loss of appetite. [Daughter is smiling at House again.] You been having any al sex with I.V. drug users lately? Dad [Offended.]: Of course not, I'm married. House [Nods.]: You think she might've been having-- Dad and Daughter [Simultaneously, and shocked.]: NO!! House [Nods.]: It's probably a rhinovirus. [He starts filling out a prescription.] Dad: What's that? House: Cold. [He hands him the slip of paper.] Take this 4 times a day, and stay off airplanes. Flying cesspools. [House goes to leave, juggling the file, the cane and the doorknob; he drops the file.] Daughter [Rushing over to help him pick up the papers.]: Oops! [Straightening up and beaming at House as she hands them back.] You dropped something. If there's anything else you can think of, please call. [House stares at her. At this moment Cameron runs up and looks between the two of them.] House [Turning to Cameron.]: Yes? Cameron: He's... too old and weak. [Daughter is still beaming at House and arches her eyebrows at him. Cameron gives her a look. House looks from one to the other and starts to look awkward. With one last look at the girl he leaves, closing the door behind him.] [Back in the procedure room Powell is doing the test on a machine where you use the arms to pedal instead of the treadmill.] Powell: Yeah, this is way better. This'll work. [Grunts.] Cameron: Just try. House [In the viewing room.]: There are 20 words to describe chest pain -- burning, squeezing, sab, tearing -- each one diagnostically useful. For that you have to thank Dr. Powell's textbook. There are no words to describe degrees of what he's feeling right now -- shortness of breath. If he'd worked on those issues, there would be. Because he never would have given up until he had an answer. Cameron [Assisting Powell.]: This isn't working. [House comes into the room with them.] Powell: Dr. House... House: Please don't get up. I'm sure you're very busy. [He gets a syringe from a cart.] I'm just gonna try and speed things up a little. Cameron: Is that Epi? That's not the protocol. House [Injecting into Powell's IV.]: No, the protocol, is what you tried to do and failed each time. [All are staring at him like he's mad. The machine starts to beep as Powell's heart rate increases.] Over 100... now we're getting somewhere. How's it look, Foreman? Foreman [Through intercom.]: No EKG changes. House [With raised eyebrows.]: Then we push harder. Cameron: House, you're gonna kll him. Powell [Gasping.]: No, he's right, let him -- let him do it. House: See? That's why he doesn't have to wear knee socks. Cameron [Firmly.]: He can't breathe. [House injects part of a second syringe of Epi into the IV and the monitor starts beeping wildly.] House: 130. [Powell looks scared, and like he can't breathe.] The magic number. Nothing here. Foreman? Foreman: Still no sign of blockage. House: Which means it's not the heart. So it must be the lungs. [Goes over to the cart to put the syringe down, not to get another syringe to calm the guy.] See? That wasn't so hard, was it? [Cameron gets it and comes over to inject.] Powell: No! Just -- give me the rest of the epinephrine. Cameron: The test is over, it's okay, we're gonna sab you. Powell: No! [Grabs her arm, then more softly.] No. Just let me die. Cameron: You're not gonna die. Powell [Gasping.]: Yes, I a-am. Cameron: We'll find a treatment. Powell [Staggered.]: I don't wanna live like this. Please. I'm begging you. [Gasps.] kll me. [Cam's eyebrows raise and she looks at him sympathetically.] (In House's Office) Cameron: He says no more tests. He wants to die, and he wants us to help him do it. House [Walking past her with his red mug into the conference room.]: And I want to play a little game I like to call 'Block My Spike' with Misty Mae. Cameron: He's thought this through; it's not an impulsive decision. House: Neither is mine. He's depressed. He'll feel much better after we cure him. Chase: He's seen all the tests we've seen. Even if we figure out what was causing the lung damage, it's too late to reverse it. House: You can't know that without knowing what's wrong. Chase [Firmly.]: It's his call. Foreman: So what do we do? We put a plastic bag over his head and get it over with? Chase: No. We give him a syringe full of morphine. [The others turn to look at him.] Every doctor I've ever practiced with has done it. They don't want to, they don't like to, but that's the way it is. Foreman [Shaking his head.]: I haven't, I won't. Cameron: I couldn't do it either. Chase [Incredulous.]: You just said we should respect his decision. Cameron: Respect it doesn't necessarily mean we honor it. Chase: Right. Just means we talk about it. [Pause.] At some point, do no harm has to mean allowing nature to take its course, not stubbornly standing in the way of it. [House is pacing, chewing on a coffee stirrer, and listening.] Foreman: Sticking a metal syringe into a plastic I.V. line and pumping in a lethal dose of morphine is not letting nature take its course. Not according to the state of New Jersey. Cameron: So it's better we allow him to slowly suffocate in his own plasma? Foreman: Whose side are you on, senator? First respect his wishes, then invde Iraq, then get the troops home. Make up your mind. House: Wow. [The ducklings snap to attention.] Certainly a lot of interesting things to consider. Stress EKG rules out the heart, which means something's gotta be attacking his lungs. Mycoplasmas or strep pneumo, which probably means it's too late to do anything about it. We could try levofloxacin. Cameron: Coming up with a new treatment isn't gonna do us any good unless we convince him it's worth trying. House: Oh, come on. He's old, and sick, and tiny. We can do whatever we want to him. [Everyone's beepers go off at once, and they exchange grim looks.] (In Powell's room, a nurse is helping him back into bed as the ducklings enter.) Cameron: What happened? Nurse: I don't know. Must've fallen out of bed and got the nasal canula wrapped around his neck somehow. Cameron: Ezra, what are you doing? Powell [As the nurse adjusts his oxygen]: I don't wanna live hooked to machines, too weak to wipe my own ass. House [Coming into the room behind the others.]: Why would you wanna wipe your own ass when you can have someone do it for you? Powell: You're wasting your time. There must be other patients you could actually help. House: No, all services rendered on a first-come, first-served basis. Powell: I won't consent! To any more tests. And if anyone tries to so much as touch me, I'll press charges for asault. House [Nods.]: Okay well you heard the man; he wants everyone to leave him alone. [To the nurse.] Why don't you go first. [Nurse stares at him.] GET OUT! [She glares at him, but leaves. House sits on the bed.] You came to me, I didn't come to you. Powell: I figured you'd have the guts to do what had to be done, if it came to that. House [Looking at him shrewdly.]: We're nowhere near that. It's time to test your lungs. [He uses his cane to grab a breath meter from the bedside cart, and puts the hose end into Powell's mouth. Powell struggles.] Breathe! You have to exhale sometime. Foreman [Rushing over.]: Stop! Cameron [Pulling on House's shoulders.]: House, you're hurting him. House: You're hurting me. [They let go, Powell begins to cough, spitting out the meter.] Fine; you don't help us, we don't help you. [House faces him and speaks slowly.] Your lungs slowly fill with fluid. You gasp to catch every breath but never can. Every breath is petrifying. It'll be slow, painful; torturous. Powell: We don't choose our birth, and we don't choose our death. House: What if you could? How 'bout we make a deal? Give me one more day. If I don't find out exactly what's wrong with you by then, I help you die. Cameron: House! [Foreman shakes his head.] House: 24 hours. Come on, it's not gonna kll you. Powell: Ha. [Nods.] (Cut to hallway.) House [Looking for ideas.]: Old guy. Lungs. Fluid. Go. Foreman: You canNOT help him kll himself. House: Of course I can. Chase says we do it all the time. [Chase rolls his eyes.] Cameron: Cuddy's not gonna let you... House: Enough! You don't want me to kll him. Fine. Here's a big shock; I don't wanna kll him either. How do I not kll him? By you guys doing your job. We have 24 hours to figure out what's wrong with him. [Impatiently waiting for ideas from the ducklings.] Tick tock, tick tock. Chase: I'll draw cultures. Pneumonia; should be bacteria in his blood. House: It's gonna take longer than 24 hours. Chase: Not if I spin down the sample. Separate off the buffy coat, then gram stain for bacteria. House: [Nods.] Great. Do an amylase, D-dimer, C-reactive peptide, get a urine, and do a bronchial sputum while you're at it. [He indicates Cameron.] You check his home and lab for radiation and toxins. [He indicates Foreman.] And do a bone marrow biopsy. Foreman: All of that in 24 hours? House: Nah. Whatever you don't get done you can finish at the autopsy. (Long montage sequence of the Ducklings at work: Cameron examining Powell's house, and lab; the other two taking samples, doing tests, cultures; all three doing research reading, waking each other up when they doze off, drinking coffee.) House [Coming into lab with a bagel the next morning, in laughing tone.]: Wow. You guys look like crap. [They say nothing.] Whaddya got? Chase [Very tired voice, looking at his hands.]: Purple dye on my fingers. House: What'd the bone marrow biopsy show? Foreman: Don't have the results. House: What? What've you been doing all night? Cameron: JELLO shts and wild sex, what else? [House looks shocked, then narrows his eyes suspiciously at Cameron.] Foreman: No bacteria in the blood cultures. We still have some cooking, but so far, nothing. Chase: Nothing in the urine. Cameron: Lab was clean enough to do surgery in, because well, they do. There was no sign of viruses or fleas on any of the rats. [House's phone rings.] House [Answering it.]: Yeah. -- Who? - Well... tell her to call the clinic. Then tell her to leave a message, and I'll get back to her. [Cameron frowns suspiciously, obviously having an idea of who is on the phone.] Then tell her to leave a personal message. [He hangs up.] Cameron: Who's that? House: Your prot. What are these? Cameron: Dictation tapes. He records everything. House: Why? Cameron: Because he's a diligent researcher? House: Or he's losing his memory. Cameron: A lot of people dictate their notes. House: Yes, we could assume that, and we'd have nothing. Or we could assume it's a symptom, in which case whatever's in his lungs, is also in his brain. Unless you got something more promising. Cameron: I'll go get an MRI of his head. House: Keep testing 'til you find something. I'm going to my office to rest for awhile. [They all glare after him.] (In the MRI room.) Powell [Being helped by Cameron onto the platform.]: It's been a long time since I took an anatomy [He coughs.] class, but I'm pretty sure you're moving farther and farther away from my lungs. Running out of places to look aren't you? Cameron: Doesn't mean we're gonna stop looking. Powell: No, not for six more hours. Cameron: You want us to fail? Powell: No, but you will. (Meanwhile back in the lab with Wilson and House.) Wilson: No abnormal nuclei means no leukemia; he a drinker? House: Not according to the history. Wilson: Which means yes, he drinks, which gives us a nice mundane explanation for the acellularity. House: Or he's telling the truth. Which means fungus is still on the table. Wilson: But your entire view of human nature gets destroyed. [He shrugs.] Six of one, half a dozen of the other. [Cameron enters.] House: Bad news fast. Good news you can take your time. Cameron: Head is clean. You were wrong, his faculties are intact. House: Too bad. If his brain was addled, we wouldn't have to listen to anything he says. Wilson: Hand me the 10% KOH. Cameron: It's 4 o'clock; we have nothing to tell him. House: Then we have no reason to talk to him. We still haven't ruled out fungus. Wilson: Yup, we have. No buds, no hyphae. House: [Sighs.] Okay. Next procedure; we sneak in, turn back the clock. [Wilson smiles, Cameron looks forlorn.] (Powell's room, House enters followed by all the ducklings.) Powell: Whole team. Must [Coughs.] be bad news. House: Nope. Bone marrow biopsy revealed multiple myeloma. [Chase and Foreman exchange looks.] It's not good news, but there are some treatments. [Cameron is staring at House] We have to draw some blood... Powell: What about my breathing? House: Associated hyperviscosity syndrome; gummed up the blood vessels in your lungs. Powell: Dr. Chase said my calcium is normal. House: Mm. We call him Dr. Idiot. [Chase rolls his eyes, Foreman crosses his arms.] Powell: There's no M-protein in my urine. House: Odd presentation. Powell: So odd that Dr. Cameron doesn't believe it either. [House turns and glares at her.] House: Just give me 12 more hours. Powell: We had a deal. No more tests. House: Fair enough. Give me six more hours. [Powell purses his lips.] Listen; there is no evidence that you are terminal. Powell: You a man of your word or not? House: No, as a matter of fact, I'm not. Powell: Fine. Then discharge me. [House looks beaten.] My lungs will slowly fill with fluid, I'll gasp to catch every breath, but never can. Every breath will be petrifying. It'll be slow, painful; torturous. You really gonna let me die like that? [House looks around and leaves.] [Cut to House brooding in his office. Footage that we have seen from 'Meaning'. Not even the same outfit. Poor edit/continuity.] [Chase and Foreman sitting pensively outside the office, brooding.] [More House brooding.] [Cameron brooding in Ezra's room. sht goes to Ezra, face twitching in pain.] [Last House brooding sht. This time, a close-up on his face.] [Chase and Foreman see House leaving his office.] Foreman: Where you going? House [Yells over his shoulder.]: Nowhere. [Chase and Foreman look at each other then decide to follow.] (Cut to Ezra's room. House walks in, soon followed by Chase and Foreman. House walks over to Ezra's bed and lays down his cane followed by a small kit.) House: Everybody who can walk should get outta here. [House takes morphine and a syringe out of the kit.] Cameron: You can't do that. House: Can't do what? Administer a prescription painkiller to a patient who's in pain? Go. Make sure somebody sees you downstairs in the cafeteria. Foreman: I can't let you do this. [He walks over to House, who is filling the syringe, to stop him.] Ezra: [Gasping in between words.] Either I die in pain or I just die; that's what the argument is here. Foreman: No it's about whether you die or we mrder you. House: [Holding up syringe, while talking to Foreman.] What's gonna happen here is that someone's getting a butt-load of morphine. I'm not sure exactly who at this point. [Foreman takes a moment to think it over, and then leaves the room in a huff.] Cameron: I can't be a part of this. [She leaves the room as well.] [House looks at Chase, who looks back for second, then goes over to the door, closes it, and shuts the blinds.] Ezra: [Quietly, to House.] Thank you. [House gives a quick nod.] I've always wondered exactly what was on the other side. House: Nothing. [House injects the morphine into Ezra's IV. Ezra flatlines. House and Chase stand there solemnly for a few moments. Then House looks at his watch. House grabs the bed and pulls it away from the wall.] Chase: What are you doing? House: Getting a laryngoscope. [House grabs a laryngoscope.] Don't just stand there, help. Chase: But you told him - House: [Interrupting.] Yeah. A little something I like to call a lie. Bad I know, but it's way further down the list than mrder. [He intubates Ezra and starts to pump the ambu bag.] He's unconscious. No more whining. I'm gonna keep testing him. [Chase looks confused and indignant.] Go get a ventilator, not gonna do this all night. (Scene opens with Ezra on ventilator, House's voice over the image.) House: We can legally assume that he'd consent to whatever a reasonable person would consent to. [Cut to House's office.] Cameron: And a reasonable person would obviously consent to being put in a coma against their will just to satisfy your curiosity. House: [Fake exasperation with a hint* of real exasperation.] I try to kll him, you're mad. I don't kll him you're mad. Cameron: All he wanted was some dignity. House: Were you in that room with him? Was he wearing a tux while he was choking on his own plasma? Keep doing the tests. Take your time, do it right. Go. [Turns to look at the MRI.] Get to work. [House studies the MRI for a couple of seconds, obviously expecting the ducklings to go do his bidding.] Wait! [He turns in his chair. Ducklings haven't moved, and House is a twinge embarrassed for yelling, but tries not to let it show.] Cameron, why'd you do these cuts so far down on this MRI of his head? Cameron: I wanted to get his brain-stem and his C-spine, make sure his diaphragm wasn't paralyzed. House: You also caught the top of his lungs. There's scarring. [Cameron is staring at him.] You do know that you can't really pierce me with your stares. Chase: Lung scarring along with the bad bone marrow points to an autoimmune disease. Could be pulmonary fibrosis. Foreman: Or Lupus. House: He can kll himself after we get him better. Start him on an IVIG for the Lupus, and get a colonoscopy. Lupus could be hiding there. [Chase and Foreman turn to leave, but notice that Cameron doesn't move. House looks up, and noticing this also, looks at her.] Cameron: I can't do this. [She leaves.] House: Drama queen. (Cut to Ezra's room. Chase and Foreman are in there doing colonoscopy.) Foreman: Ascending colon's clean. Chase: Moving into the sigmoid. Foreman: Sure could use a little more help around here. Chase: [With slight sarcasm.] She's doing what she believes in. Foreman: Yeah. If she was acting on principle, she'd be in here trying to stop us. All she's doing is running away from the principle so she won't have to feel uncomfortable facing it. Chase: And if you were acting on principle, you would have called the cops when you thought House was klling the guy. Foreman: [Ignoring Chase.] Better hurry up. Chase: Why? [Quick cut to Nurse Brenda watching Chase and Foreman working.] Foreman: I don't think she's gonna have a problem deciding what to tell Cuddy. [Ezra's heart monitor starts beeping.] O2 sats 89 and dropping. (Cut to hallway outside of House's office. House is leaving his office. As he's exiting, Cuddy intercepts him.) House: Thought you were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester. Cuddy: [Sighs.] I'm not pregnant. I heard about your little stunt with Dr. Powell. House: [Makes a drawn out whining sound.] Not really a stunt. More of a trick, a ruse, a hoodwink. Cuddy: A lie. House: Ok. Lying is sometimes good, right? Like when you're trying to teach someone a lesson about humility, or something. All I'm trying to do is save his life. He's not gonna learn anything; I just thought the same principle might apply. Cuddy: It does. House: I coulda just let him die. Cuddy: Not gonna get sued for keeping him alive. House: Well, we could; we completely disregarded his wishes. Cuddy: Do you want me to disagree with you? [Turns to House, they stop walking. Sarcastically.] Want me to yell at you? House: It is comforting. Cuddy: We're doctors: We treat patients, we don't kll them. House: [Raises voice, speaking into her lapel pin as though it is a microphone.] How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy, or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either. Cuddy: True, better be true, and you're a pig. [House goes to leave, Cuddy lightly grabs his arm to stop him, and he turns back to face her.] Cuddy: I'm sorry about your leg. House: Yeah. [Walks away.] We really should spend some time talking about that. [Cuddy sighs.] [Foreman has appeared at the end of the hallway; House walks over to him.] Foreman: The IVIG made him worse. O2 stats plummeted. House: [Sighs.] So we know it's not Lupus. What else could it be? Chase: Idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. House: Gonna need an open lung biopsy to confirm. [House goes into a lounge; Chase and Foreman follow.] Foreman: So, now we're going to operate on the guy? House: Unless you've invented a new way of doing an open lung biopsy. (Shift to House walking over to a shower area where we find Cameron sitting.) House: When you searched Dr. Powell's office, did you find a copy of the January, 1967 Massachusetts Medical Journal? Cameron: Why? House: I just figured, if you're not doing any work, you might like something to pass the time. Centerfold's a kller. [House walks away, leaving Cameron curious.] (Cut to House's office. House is throwing his ball against the wall with his cane.) House: [Fake cheering of an audience. Wilson enters.] Wilson: How's your leg? House: It hurts. [Sighs.] It's gonna keep on hurting. You gonna keep on asking? Wilson: How's Ezra Powell? House: Resting comfortably. Wilson: Hmm, that's not what Cameron says. House: I hate practicing medicine in high school. Wilson: He's not asking you to help him kll himself; he's just asking for help. The disease will kll him. House: I know what he was asking for; I just said 'no'. Wilson: You've done it before. Plenty of times. House: To patients that I knew were terminal. Wilson: [Annoyed.] Oh, give me a break. This has nothing to do with saving a life; you just can't bear the thought of a patient dying before you've been able to figure out why. House: If we're gonna keep refusing to cure patients just to reign in my ego then we might start having a little problem with patient recruitment. [House's pager goes off.] Wilson: [Snidely.] Worried about meeting your one patient a week quota? House: [Leaving.] I'm a cripple, remember. Accommodations must be made. (Cut to Ezra in surgery - Chase and Foreman operating) Chase: Sample of the left lobe isolated, and removed. Clamp. [Cut to House watching surgery from above. Cameron walks in.] Cameron: Why'd you have me look up that article? House: Didn't you find it interesting? Cameron: He injected newborn babies with radioactive agents just to see if they'd urethral reflux. House: He was curious. Cameron: He didn't even tell their parents he was doing an experiment. House: He wasn't doing anything his peers weren't doing. Cameron: His peers at Tuskegee and Willowbrook?! House: He ignored the rights of the few to save many. Cameron: So you're okay with what he did. House: Doesn't matter what I think. It's what you think that's relevant. Cameron: Because, if I think less of him, I'll help you more? You're wrong. The fact that a patient did bad things doesn't change anything. He still deserves to have some control over his own body. House: If he had control of his own body, he'd be dad. Cameron: Some control. We can withhold treatment without klling him. House: No you can't! You either help him live, or you help him die; you can't have it both ways. [Chase looks up at House from the operating room and shakes his head.] House: Well I guess it's not IPF. [Ezra's heart monitor starts beeping.] House: Well, maybe he'll die right now. Make everything easy for all of us. [He leaves and Cameron is alone in the observation room.] (Cut to the operating room.) Foreman: Heart rate's fast. Chase: BP's low. [House takes stethoscope from random surgeon, then checks Ezra with it.] House: No breath sounds on the right side; he's dropped his right lung. [Removes stethoscope.] Air's building up in his chest, compressing his heart. [House makes an incision in Ezra, and places a chest tube in him, which re-inflates the lung.] Chase: Heart rate's decreasing. Foreman: BP's sab. [House sews up Ezra to hold the tube in place. While doing this he accidentally hits his right hand. There is no reaction from Ezra. Again, House prods - purposefully, this time - and there is still no response. House goes to test Ezra's left foot.] Chase: What are you doing? [House prods Ezra's left foot, and it twitches.] House: Withdraws from pain stimuli on the left side, but not the right. Foreman: Those are just reflex arcs; he's under anesthesia. House: Or he's lost sensation in some places. Chase: Or the hypoxia from the arrest stunned his CNS. House: Only one way to tell. Do some ATA sensory evoked potentials. Foreman: We can't do that while he's in a coma. House: Only two ways to tell. Get a hammer and check his deep tendon reflexes. Chase: Won't work. He needs muscle relaxants to be on the ventilator. House: [Long blink, thinking.] Only one more way to tell. Pupillary reflexes. Foreman: All that tests is the brainstem. House: See, I was right; only one way to tell. Do some ATA sensory evoked potentials. Foreman: I just said we can't do that while he's in a coma. House: So wake him up. [House leaves.] (Shift to a close-up on Ezra's face; he's sleeping. He opens his eyes blinking a few times. The camera goes to House, whose image is fuzzy at first and then becomes clear.) House: Don't go towards the light. You'll fall and break your hip. [The ventilator is removed from Ezra's mouth, and he coughs for a few seconds, and then looks around confused.] Ezra: What's happening? I -- House: You took a little nap. Ezra: No, I... I told you I didn't want -- House: [Interrupting.] Sorry, little deaf in one ear. Your bone marrow was hypocellular; we ruled out lupus and pulmonary fibrosis, but it looks like it could be attacking your nerves. Ezra: So, this is all a waste, a huge fail... [Gasps.] failure. Impossible, you're Gregory House. House: We need to attach some sensors to your skin. Ezra: No. House: Look, we can't do what you want; we've assigned a nurse to watch you so you can't do it either. So, you might as well just let us do the test. Ezra: No. I wanna be discharged. Chase: You can't be discharged; you've got two chest tubes in. Ezra: Then take them out! House: Oh, get over yourself. The ventilator puffed up your lungs; you'll be fine for a few hours. Just let us run the tests. [Ezra rips off some leads that were attached to him.] House: Ok. But first, let's clean you up a little. [He grabs a glass of water and splashes a few drops of it on Ezra's chest.] That feel nice? Foreman: [Curious.] What are you trying to prove? House: Just cleaning him up. What's it look like? [He walks over to the end of Ezra's bed, lifts up the sheet and sticks his head behind it.] Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. (House runs his thumb down Ezra's right foot, and there is no reaction. He does the same to his left, and this time the foot twitches.] Ezra: Get out! House: Okay, I'm going already. Can't you see I'm a cripple? [House leaves.] (Cut to hallway, Chase and Foreman following House.) Foreman: Ok, so you got me curious. House: I was right; whatever is attacking his lungs is attacking his nerves. Chase: You got that by splashing ice water on him? House: No sensation in the left leg, abdomen, right arm. Technology's overrated. Foreman: That means the clean MRI of his brain means it's just affecting the peripheral nerves. House: And bone marrow. Chase: Kawasaki's would explain the kidney failure. Foreman: Or lymphoma. Chase: Or sarcoidosis. House: All potentially treatable. Question is which. We need to catch the little bastards in the act. What's the largest organ? Chase: Skin. House: We need to get a piece. [House leaves them standing there.] Foreman: Sure, we'll just wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in, and take a piece. [Chase snickers.] (Cut to the conference room; where Cameron is, again, just sitting.) House: I want you to get a skin sample for a biopsy. Cameron: And I wanna get a foot massage from Johnny Damon. House: [Walking towards the desk.] Kawasaki's disease, lymphoma, and sarcoidosis are all treatable. Cameron: And it could be a hundred other things that aren't treatable. You have no idea. House: But you do; you know everything. Cameron: I didn't say that I - House: [Slams cane down on desk.] Exactly! You can't decided if we're helping or hurting him; if he's good or bad; or if you want paper, plastic, or a burlap sack. Do your damn job. [House starts to leave.] Cameron: I'm not gonna lie to him. House: Fine, tell the truth. Just get me a pound of flesh. (Cut to Ezra's room. Cameron enters.) Ezra: What do you want? Cameron: House wants to biopsy your skin; he sent me to get it. Ezra: [With slight surprise.] Oh. And you agreed. Cameron: I had nothing to do with putting you in a coma or any of the subsequent tests. Ezra: Which brings us to now. Cameron: I read some of your articles. Ezra: There were a lot of them. Cameron: 1967 Massachusetts Medical Journal. You radiated babies. Just like that. No forms, no questions, nothing. Who knows how many cancers you caused. Ezra: I don't know. What I do know is we discovered techniques that prevent fatal kidney failures in hundreds of thousands of other kids. Cameron: You're not sorry. Ezra: I don't regret what I did. Informed consent, patient rights - holds back research. [Cameron takes the tool to get the sample and slices Ezra, who groans in surprise and pain.] What the hell are you doing? Cameron: Informed consent is holding back our diagnosis. Ezra: Good for you. Finally standing up for something; acting on what you believe. (Cut to clinic. House pops a Vicodin.) Ali: Dr. House? [House looks over in surprise.] Hi, how are you? House: Not as good as you think I am. Ali: Don't worry, I'm not stalking you. My dad just lost his medicine; he had to come back for another prescription. House: Yeah, right. He's moving it on the street, isn't he? Ali: [Laughs] Yeah, my dad, the meth king pin. [House starts to walk away.] Ali: Why haven't you returned any of my calls? House: [He stops and thinks.] I plan to. In a couple of years. Ali: I was just calling to say 'thank you.' And to tell you how impressed I was; you diagnosed my dad by just looking at him. House: Felt his glands, too. [Ali gives a slight laugh.] Ali: Oh, there's my dad; I gotta go. House: Yeah. Me too. Ali: [While walking away.] Oh, and, you really don't have to wait a couple of years to return my calls. Just six months; till I turn 18. [Turns around and we see her red thong, which House looks at, then raises his eyebrows and gives a slight smile. Then, an "Aha!" moment.] (Cut to ducklings in lab.) Chase: [At a microscope as House enters.] It's not Kawasaki's, either. What's next? House: Congo red. Chase: Amyloidosis? House: What the hell else would I mean by 'Congo red?' Cameron: It's not on the list. Foreman: There's no reason for it to be on the list. House: An abnormal protein is building up inside the cells of his body; shutting down his organs one by one. Explains everything; the infiltrates on the x-ray, the bone marrow, kidney failure. Foreman: We rejected amyloidosis, because it didn't fit the first symptom we found. It would affect his heart. House: It did. Cameron: It wasn't on the stress test. House: We didn't push him hard enough. [To Chase.] Add the stain; let's find out. Chase: Congo red added. House: Change the polarization of the light, already. [Results confirm that it is amyloidosis.] Cameron: That means it should be treatable. Foreman: How the hell you pull that out of -- House: [Interrupting.] Not outta mine. I had a muse. Chase: Oh, God. Protein type AA. [Everyone looks disheartened -- And House hands Cameron a candy bar.] (Cut to Ezra's room. House walks in with his poker face.) Ezra: Dr. House. House: You have amyloidosis; it's in your lungs, kidneys, bone marrow, and brain. Ezra: Why should I believe you now? House: If I was lying, I wouldn't tell you the subtype is AA. It's terminal. Ezra: Congratulations, you got your answer. [House looks so defeated, quite the opposite of Ezra's slight smile] (Medley of scenes: Ezra shaking in his bed; House, defeated in his office, pops a Vicodin; Cameron thinking in the lounge shower area. The music is Into Dust by Mazzy Star.) (Cut to House's office the next day. House walks in and goes over to his desk. There is a present sitting there. He unwraps it; it's a calendar, 'Fresno by night.' He opens to the marked month, March, and it says 'Six months... and counting.' House rolls his eyes with a slight smile, and puts the calendar down. Cuddy walks in and shuts the door.) Cuddy: Ezra Powell passed away last night. I'm sure you already knew about that. House: [Shakes his head a little.] No. I just got in. Cuddy: The nurse charted at 2 AM; he was sab. Breathing labored, but regular. And at 2:30 he suddenly stopped. [House is thinking.] You know anything about that? House: If I did, would you really wanna know? [Cuddy nods and then leaves.] (Cut to Ezra's body being cleaned up. Mazzy Star's "Dust" starts to play.) (Cut to Cameron in chapel, crying. You can see House next to her, barely in the sh*t.) House: [Puts his hand on her shoulder.] I'm proud of you. [House leaves. Show ends on Cameron's grieved face.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x03 - Informed Consent"}	foreverdreaming
(The scene opens on a man sitting at a table with severely autistic son Adam, trying to engage his interest to teach him something.) Dominic: Follow my finger. [Adam pulls up his shirt so he doesn't have to see.] Adam, show me a bicycle. [He holds up a pad with stick-on pictures of objects. We see from Adam's point of view that things look exceptionally blurry and his interest is drawn to a fly.] Eyes here. Adam? Show me a bicycle. [Adam finally extends his hand but picks up the picture of balls instead.] Dominic: [Resigned.] No buddy, that's a ball. [Adam hides behind his t-shirt again.] Adam look at me, are you hungry? Show me what you want for lunch. [Adam picks up the chalk and draws a squiggly line on the little black board in front of him. It is one of 4 that he has already drawn.] (Scene moves on outside where Adam is eating his lunch and Dominic talks to his wife.) Dominic: Still drawing those lines instead of looking at the cards. [Adam has finished his lunch and is banging his glass on the table.] Sarah: More juice? Dominic: He wants more juice he has to ask for it. Adam? Buddy? Eyes here. Sarah: He's tired Dom. Dominic: Wouldn't be if we stuck to the schedule. Show me the juice, buddy. Sarah: Think we've reached the point of diminished returns. Dominic: [Sharply interrupting her.] He has to ask for it. Adam! [Adam suddenly starts choking.] Sarah: He's choking! Dominic: That's impossible, it's mac and cheese. [Adam grabs at his throat and suddenly starts screaming in agony.] (Scene opens on the conference room in the morning, House throws a file down on the desk.) House: 10-yr-old boy screams for his life for no reason. Foreman: He's autistic, severely autistic. Can't talk, can't make eye contact. Screaming's probably his way of communicating. [House looks around the office oddly.] House: And he went to 3 different doctors who all said just that. Foreman: Wow, so clearly that can't be the answer. His brain can't filter information, it's a constant asault on his senses I'd scream too. House: Or it's something medical sounding like dysesthesia. Parents are convinced that there's something wrong with their son. [He suddenly walks out of the office; the Ducklings quickly get up and follow him.] Cameron: Since when do we start believing parents? Or anyone? Where are we going? House: Elevator. [He presses the button and waits for it.] Dad was on Wall Street, mom was a partner in an accounting firm, when their son was diagnosed with autism they both quit. Foreman: So they're overprotective and scared, that's all the more reason to-- House: They've studied this kid, heard him scream a million times. Did 10 years of caring for him, this is the first time they've brought him to a hospital. [Elevator arrives, they troop in.] Foreman: ER checked his throat, no obstructions, nothing! Which means the only symptom was a scream, which is diagnostic of nothing. Chase: [Beta Comment: Who, lately, always seems willing to give it a sht when the other two are being dismissive.] Kid clutched his chest, BP was elevated; maybe there was chest pain. Foreman: ER said the heart was fine. House: Don't be so quick to dismiss pain. Cameron: Where are we going? House: Down. Stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection and ANA for lupus. Cameron: Because he screamed? Chase: Could also be an environmental reaction; an allergy, dust, wheat, pollen, a toxin. [They reach the ground floor and troop out into the lobby.] House: Check the house. Run a lung ventilation scan. Lungs are in the chest too, right? Foreman: I had a date last night, she screamed. Should we spend a 100,000 dollars testing her? House: Of course not, this isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing! [He pushes the door open into the clinic.] Look, if you don't think this kid is worth saving-- Foreman: That's not what I'm saying! House: Well that's too bad, it's a good point. Kid's just a lump with tonsils. You know what it's going to be like trying to put an autistic kid into a nuclear scanner? I don't envy you guys. [He opens the door to Cuddy's office and leaves them to their job.] House: I want my old carpet back. [He bangs his cane on to her desk, she's on the phone.] Cuddy: Err; we're going to have to do this later. A kid in the clinic had an accident. [She puts the phone down.] Generally when people are on the phone-- House: I want my old carpet back. Cuddy: It was stained, with blood. House: Yeah, my blood. Which makes the carpet part of me, I want it back. I want to be buried with it. Cuddy: You think you can get me to do anything you want regardless of how stupid it is? House: It's my office; it's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing you to brag to rich people so they'll give you more money to spend on MRIs and low-cut tops. I want it back the way it was. Cuddy: It's identical to the old carpet, except without the hazardous biological waste. House: I shall not return to my office until every patented durable microfibre has been restored to its rightful place. Cuddy: Inspiring. [She puts up her feet on the desk.] If you don't want to work in your office, work in the clinic. You don't want to work in the clinic, go home and don't get paid. House: [Banging on the floor with his cane.] Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! [Stops banging the cane and looks at her.] Attica? (Scene changes to Adam playing a game on his Gameboy in his room in the hospital.) Dominic: He just needs to finish this level. Foreman: We only have the scanner for the next half hour, after that-- Dominic: Trust me; you don't want to move him until he's finished. Foreman: The sooner we do this test, the sooner we can get you guys home. Dominic: [Sits down next to Adam.] Adam? Do you think that-- [Adam shakes his head and tries to move away from Dominic's hand on his shoulder while making noises of displeasure.] Dominic: 10 minutes tops. Foreman: If he has a vascular disorder, we might not have-- Dominic: He might not have 10 minutes? Foreman: I don't have 10 minutes. [He tries to snatch the Gameboy from Adam. Beta Comment: He obviously slept through class the day they discussed autism.] Dominic: No! You don't want to do that! [Adam cries and starts screaming.] Adam! Adam! [Sarah tries to calm him down by hugging his head and making comforting sounds.] (Scene changes to House doing his clinic duty, he is listening to a patient while learning his head on the top of his cane.) Patient 1: I used Metamucil like the doctor told me and finally I was able to use the bathroom but I saw something in the toilet I couldn't identify. [She opens up her handbag and digs something out.] I wrapped it in tissue paper so you could take a look. [She offers it to him and he cringes back.] (Scene shifts back to Foreman trying to get Adam strapped up for the test while he is screaming and fighting.) Sarah: Can't you sedate him or something? Foreman: Could if I didn't want the test results to mean anything. (Scene goes back to the clinic.) Patient 2: Painkillers, exercises, I even did that puncture thing, nothing works. Then this morning, I get up, my back feels great. I figured I'd better get down here right away. [House looks down in despair and utter boredom.] (Scene moves on to Chase and Cameron at the family's home taking samples of stuff.) Cameron: [With a bottle of pills.] Big shocker, dad's depressed. Chase: Save your time, SSRIs don't cause chest pain. [He puts something back in the fridge and looks at what is on the door.] Wow. Every minute of every day is booked. He eats, sleeps, plays his handheld. Cameron: Not much of a life for them. Chase: They chose to have a family; you don't get to decide what your kid's going to be like. Cameron: Nobody chooses this. [They move out into the backyard.] Chase: It's funny. You get a normal kid, a parent works. You get a special kid that costs more; you quit and turn the backyard into a therapy circuit. Cameron: Yes, if only you were handicapped, all the good times you could have had with dad. [He looks at her like 'Dude.'] (Scene moves back to the clinic, House [with stethoscope slung around his neck.] moves out of one clinic room and heaves a big sigh before moving into the next.) [Ali, the stalker girl from the last episode is waiting inside.] Ali: Hey doctor House. House: Hello girl whose name I don't remember but whose dad I treated so I don't really know why she's here. Ali: Ali. Umm... I think I caught what my dad has. The rhino thing. House: Right. [He presses two fingers into two spots on her forehead.] Does that hurt? Ali: A little. It's in my chest too. House: Of course it is. [He puts the earpieces of the stethoscope back into his ear as she unzips her shirt... she doesn't have anything on underneath. House's jaw drops and he goes rather wide-eyed.] Kinda had access through the shirt, this'll work. [He listens to her heart.] Ali: That feels good. House: Exactly when did New Jersey run out of horny 17-yr-old boys? Ali: About 5 weeks ago? It's been very lonely. [They both laugh softly, Foreman barges in and Ali quickly zips her shirt back up. Foreman gives them an odd look.] Foreman: The ventilation scan was normal, time to send him home. House: Can't leave right now. [Turns back to Ali.] Well congratulations, you are the proud owner of your very own rhino thing. Foreman: A rhinovirus? You can't leave because she has a cold? House: Can't leave because Cuddy says I can't leave. [Foreman does his eyebrow thing and closes the door.] (Next scene, the whiteboard has been moved down the lobby of the clinic, House is sitting on the nurse's desk and the Ducklings are crowded around the board in the midst of the busy clinic.) Foreman: All the tests are normal. Brenda: Hey, don't start with me. We're backed up. House: I know this is hard for all of us but thanks to doctor Cuddy I don't have an office so I have to work here. Cameron: What'd she do to your office? House: It's unusable. So, whatever's bothering him it wasn't his lungs. What about the kid's house? [Brenda knocks on the door of Cuddy's office and moves off to do her thing.] Cameron: There were some pesticides and some alcohol but the tox screen was negative. Foreman: Which means there's nothing physically wrong with this kid. House: We already had that discussion. Did we get a fecal smear? [He purposely says the last bit louder to ick out the people in the clinic.] Chase: Should we do this some place else? House: Nope, Cuddy says I have to work here. Cuddy: [Walking out of her office.] No, I said you can work in your office or you had to work here. House: And since I can't work in my office. Cuddy: Is this your master plan? Disrupt hospital business until I replace your carpet? House: Devious. Saw it in a James Bond movie. [Raising the volume.] Fecal smear, talk to me! Cuddy: Get out of here. House: Put back my carpet? Cuddy: No! Get out of here! House: Fecal matter, is there a sample we can look at? Foreman: Parents have the smear the kit but the kid is constipated. Cuddy: Do what you want, not replacing your carpet. [She smiles in victory and struts back into her office.] House: Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, I kinda feel like a bagel. [He walks out of the clinic.] Cameron: Carpets. (Scene changes to Adam playing on his Gameboy again.) [Foreman knocks and enters the room.] Foreman: We need a stool sample. We should probably wait until he's finished playing that level, huh? Sarah: I actually think he's a bit better today. He seems more like his old self. Foreman: [All pompous and I-told-you-so.] It is possible that he was never sick. Dominic: I guess we err... could have overreacted. [Suddenly Adam starts gagging and spits out a lot of fluid.] Dominic: Adam? Adam! Sarah: Adam! (Next scene, the team and the whiteboard are in Wilson's office.) House: So what makes fluid fill the lining of a kid's lungs? Cameron: Why are we in here? This is some sort of power play? House: Yeah. So you stuck your finger in the kid and gave him a pleural effusion. [He moves stuff off the edge of Wilson's desk so he can perch on it.] You ever considered getting a manicure? Foreman: I took the stool sample after his lungs failed. Cameron: Or do you really have a problem with the carpeting? Change sets you off-- House: I said it was a power play, someone answers yes to option A, you don't move on to option B. Chase: If there's a pleural effusion, we have to rule out heart failure. [Beta Comment: Still the only one actually on task.] Cameron: Why now? Why a power play now? House: I smelled weakness. Get the kid an echocardiogram. [He starts playing with the Zen garden on Wilson's desk when Wilson enters his office. He looks confused at seeing the team in there, the Ducklings look slightly embarrassed. Wilson looks at the name on his door.] Wilson: That's funny; it says James Wilson, what a strange typo. House: The fluid comes back in exudate; get him on broad spectrum antibiotics. [The Ducklings walk out.] Wilson: Thank you for coming. Cameron: No problem. House: Thought you wouldn't mind sharing offices for a while. Wilson: You share stories, feelings... toys. You don't share offices. House: That is so not Zen. [Wilson snatches the Zen garden out of House's hands.] Wilson: It was a gift, some doctors get those. House: So you want mornings or afternoons? Wilson: [Hangs up his lab coat.] You couldn't make Cuddy miserable so you're going to make me miserable so I can make Cuddy miserable on your behalf? House: Yep. Wilson: What makes you think I can make her miserable? [Starts rolling up his sleeves.] House: Because you're good at that stuff. Wilson: Ohhh, I'm nothing compared to you. House: [Picks up a random toy.] Is there anything you'll throw out? Wilson: That's a gift from an 11-yr-old patient of mine, she and I both knew it was a piece of junk and that's what made her laugh. House: So you gotta keep it until she... [He draws his hand across his neck and makes an execution sound.] Wilson: She already did. [House pauses for a moment before he dumps it into the bin.] (Scene moves on to Foreman trying to give the kid another test while he's screaming and fighting. His parents are helping to hold him down) Foreman: Adam, I need you to stay still buddy! Dominic: Okay, it's okay, I got him. Here we go. [Foreman starts to ultrasound Adam's heart and looks worriedly on the screen at the result.] Dominic: What? What is it? Is his heart ok? Foreman: No. (Next scene, the whiteboard has been set up in a little meeting room somewhere in the hospital. The Ducklings sit and listen to House in front of the whiteboard writing.) Foreman: Echo suggested a conduction abnormality, EKG confirmed it. Chase: Still doesn't explain the effusion. Pleural fluid was in exudate, we should be looking for something that explains both the heart and lung problems. An infection, parasite, cancer? Foreman: Microbiology showed no organisms in the fluid so forget infection. Cameron: It's not a power play. [House stops writing.] Doing a differential in the clinic makes sense - piss Cuddy off. Same thing with Wilson's office - works indirectly. But now we're in office space because you don't want to be in your own office which means this has nothing to do with Cuddy, you really are obsessed with your carpets. Which means-- [And just at that moment Cuddy and a few business-looking people walk into the room.] Cuddy: What are you doing here? I have this room booked from 2 to 3. House: [Turns around and feigns surprise.] Oh, 2 East coast time? [Cameron looks resigned.] I thought you meant Pacific, which is stupid of me I guess. [The Ducklings start to get up.] What about parasites? Foreman: Stool sample's negative. Cuddy: It's 2 o' clock. House: Oh well, we should go then. [Ducklings are about to get up again.] That just leaves cancer. Get a lung biopsy. Foreman: It took a half an hour to get a mask on the kid for the lung scan! House: Well I'm sorry, was there somewhere you needed to be? [The Ducklings get up and leave the room.] Cuddy: House, can we talk? [They walk out of the room and talk outside in the corridor against the railings as the business-type people Cuddy came with go into the room.] House: Carpet? Cuddy: Never. House: Nothing to talk about. Cuddy: Your girlfriend called the clinic 15 times looking for you today. House: Huh. A lot to discuss, china patterns-- Cuddy: House, she's a stalker. House: Right, couldn't be that she finds me interesting and attractive. Has to be that she's insane. Cuddy: She's called you 15 times; your mother's not that interested in you. House: Well maybe I'd be better adjusted if she was. Cuddy: I'm notifying security. House: Is this about the carpet? Do you think I'll back off if you block all my fun? Cuddy: You better not be having fun! House: I'm having fun. I'm not having sex. Cuddy: She's dangerous! House: She's not dangerous. Cuddy: She's pretty. House: She's pretty. Cuddy: Men are stupid. House: I'm with you so far. Cuddy: I'm notifying security. House: Oh, give her a break, she's not dangerous, she's... insightful. [Cuddy walks away and back into the meeting room. House presses himself up against the glass of the door and shouts into the room at all the business men and Cuddy.] You can't stop our love! [The business men are startled; Cuddy gives an embarrassed smile in response. House looks smug.] (Next scene, Foreman knocks on Wilson's door and walks in.) Foreman: Hey, you got a minute? Wilson: Yeah. Foreman: We have a 10-yr-old with pleural effusion and conduction abnormality but no heart failure. Wilson: Was there a protein in the pleural fluid? Foreman: Yeah, that's why we're thinking cancer, Non-Hodgkin's probably so we want to do a lung biopsy. Wilson: Lung biopsies usually come back negative so biopsy a lymph node under the arm. Foreman: That's probably something an Oncologist should do, right? Wilson: There's nothing real tricky to it, just a biopsy. Foreman: Still, just to be safe, you mind? [Wilson shakes his head.] (Sneaky Foreman - next scene, Adam is screaming and fighting again as the nurses try to make him breathe from the mask to knock him out, Wilson heaves a big sigh as he waits to perform the biopsy.) [House enters the room.] House: For the love of god, can't somebody shut that kid up? Got people trying to work around here. [To Wilson.] Why don't you show him a teddy bear or something? Dominic: Who are you? House: Somebody you'll never send a gift to. Wilson: This is doctor House, your son's doctor. House: [He picks up the gas mask.] High test please. [To Adam.] Hey, hey, hey! [He puts the mask to his own nose and starts loudly breathing from it for Adam to see.] Wilson: Out of vicodin? Sarah: What are you doing? House: Eating the red berries. [He keeps breathing from the mask and then tries to put the mask on Adam's nose and mouth. Adam isn't fighting as hard against it but is still protesting. House looks very high and keeps blinking a lot. He breaths from the mask again and then tries it on Adam. This time Adam accepts and is knocked out in a couple of seconds.] Sarah: He trusted you. House: No, that wasn't trust. That was self-preservation. Dominic: No, that was huge. It was like a conversation. House: [Tries to get up and unsteadily hangs on to the overhanging lights.] Monkey's afraid to eat the red berries until he sees another monkey eat them. Monkey see, monkey do, that's all it was. Your kid's still just as messed up as when we admitted him. [Wilson starts the biopsy as House walks away and makes a huge stumble into a trolley in his highly unsteady state, Wilson makes a face to the parents as if to say it's ok, this happens all the time.] (Later; House, Wilson and Cameron are doing tests on the biopsy samples in a lab later. Cameron is preparing slides and Wilson is looking at them. House still seems a little high and is staring a little dazedly at Cameron.) Wilson: That was sensitive. House: You have pretty hair. Wilson: Hope is all those parents have going for them. House: No, hope is what's making them miserable. What they should do is get a cocker spaniel. A dog would look them in the eye, wag his tail when he's happy, lick their face, show them love. Cameron: Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It's normal to want to be normal. House: Spoken like a true circle queen. See skinny socially privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle, and everyone inside the circle is normal, anyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized or worse, pitied. Cameron: So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy? House: Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain or your excretions or your grandma's itchy place. Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties? I don't pity this kid, I envy him. Wilson: Err, no cancer... because these aren't lymph cells. Cameron: Then what are they? Wilson: Liver cells. [Cameron takes a look at the microscope and House transfers the image on to the computer screen.] House: Wow. Liver cells under his arm. I wonder what he's got where his liver's supposed to be. (Scene changes to House once again playing with the Zen garden on Wilson's desk, the Ducklings enter.) House: Anyone got a clue how liver cells got into the kid's armpit? [Foreman and Chase take the couch, House shoves the Zen garden into the bin and pats the space beside him on the edge of the desk and looks at Cameron] House: Make yourself at home. So, think maybe Gray's Anatomy got it all wrong? Foreman: Lymph system circulates fluid, not organ cells. Cameron: Cancer cells break into the lymphatic system all the time. Chase: But we're not talking about cancer cells. House: So what's the difference between cancer cells and liver cells, why can one pass through walls but the other can't? Cameron: Cancer cells are damaged lets them go into blood vessels, go wherever they want. House: So if the liver cells are damaged... Foreman: Liver isn't damaged. The tests were normal. House: So if the liver cells are damaged -- it's theoretically possible to pass into the lymphatic system. Liver failure could also explain pleural effusion, even the heart issues. Cameron: Liver cells are fine, he was immunized for Hep A and B and do you really think this kid is having unprotected sex or sharing needles? House: Hmm, daddy does seem the type to use a rubber. So it's not viral. [He gets up and starts pacing.] Just leaves a lot of boozerosis. Cameron: Our 10-yr-old boy does not having a drinking problem or cirrhosis. Foreman: House, when we echoed his heart we got a piece of his liver, there was no scarring. House: Cirrhosis explains the symptoms; heart problems, lungs. Cameron: Look up cirrhosis in the dictionary, it means scarring. Chase: Parents aren't doing or dosing this kid. House: How would you know that? Kid can't talk. Why'd you think I took this case? He's not going to give away the ending. Chase: They quit their jobs for him. House: Yes, they are everything you'd want in a parent. Unfortunately their kid is nothing you'd want. When a baby is born, it's perfect; little fingers, little toes, plump, perfect, pink, and brimming with unbridled potential. Then it's downhill, some hills steeper than others. Parents get off on their kid's accomplishments. [House picks up one of Wilson's toys which then says "Bend over and relax".] Cute! They'll annoy you with trophy rooms and report cards. Hell they'll even show you a purple cow and tell you what a keen eye for color their kid has. [Wilson bursts into the office, looks annoyed and walks back out again.] But this kid, he doesn't smile, he doesn't hug them, he doesn't laugh. His parents get nothing, the right to brag that their kid picked orange juice out of a line-up. Foreman: So you figure they slipped the kid a mickey so they don't have to deal. House: Do a biopsy to confirm cirrhosis and don't try and pawn it off on Wilson, he's going to be busy with Cuddy. [Chase and Foreman walk out and Cameron approaches House.] House: My parents love me unconditionally. Get out of here. (Scene moves on to Wilson talking to Cuddy as they walk down the stairs towards the ground floor.) Wilson: Don't you think the restraining order's a little much? He's not actually going to have sex with a 17-yr-old patient. Cuddy: I didn't think he was going to ask me to dig a blood-stained carpet out of a dumpster either. Wilson: It might be easier in the long run. [Wilson stops at the landing in between two flights of stairs.] Cuddy: Are we stopping here so House doesn't find us? Wilson: Unless you wanna make out? Cuddy: You want me to surrender to House's coup? Wilson: No, no, you proactively give him what he wants. Cuddy: I defeat him by surrendering to him. Wilson: He'll never see it coming. Look, I'll pay for it myself! What is it? A thousand bucks to carpet a room? Cuddy: Actually it's 400. Wilson: Ohhh! Cuddy: Not doing it. [She continues walking down leaving a disappointed Wilson.] (Foreman walks into Cuddy's office, House is sitting at her desk reading some papers.) House: Liver biopsy? Foreman: They're doing it now. House: How's it going? Foreman: Like a biopsy; needles, cells, screaming. House: What'd you find in the stool sample? Foreman: You were too busy bothering Cuddy, as discussed it was negative for parasites. Can we get out of here? House: I didn't ask what you didn't find; I asked what you did find in the stool sample. Foreman: Stool. And traces of iron, zinc, calcium carbonate, can we leave? House: What's the matter? You afraid of the man? [Foreman laughs scornfully but as he turns to the door, Cuddy walks in and he almost jumps in fright.] House: Uh oh, too late. Cuddy: Leave my stuff alone! House: You're meeting with a Guggenheim in 15 minutes wearing that? Cuddy: I'm going to count to 3 and then, I'm going to fre you. One. House: Calcium carbonate, that's uhh... antidiarrheal, right? Cuddy: Two. House: Think that's significant? Think hard poops are significant? [Turns back to Cuddy.] Two and a half? Never thrat unless you're ready to deliver, makes you look weak. Thank god you don't have children. [The phone starts ringing and House is about to pick it up when Cuddy snatches it out of his hand.] Cuddy: Doctor Cuddy. House: Take a message. Cuddy: Your patient is being rushed to cardiac ICU. House: Wow, that's like the one thing that would get me out of here. (Scene shifts to Adam being rushed into the ICU.) Cameron: [To the parents.] I'm sorry you can't come in here. Dominic: What's going on? [Chase and the nurses shift Adam off the gurney and on to a bed.] Chase: He's in v-fib! Nurse: [Brings the defibrillator.] Here you go. Charge. Chase: Clear! Charging, clear! Charging, clear! (Scene shifts now to House playing with Adam's blocks at the table in Adam's room.) Cameron: He's sab for the moment, first degree atrioventricular block. House: Okay, what else do we know? Foreman: His liver's damaged, pleural effusion compromises lung function. Chase: Biopsy was negative for cirrhosis. Parents didn't poison their son. House: It's not his liver, his heart or his lungs. The calcium carbonate in his stool. Chase: He's constipated, parents probably just overdid it. House: Or they didn't do it at all. Calcium carbonate's also what's in chalk. Foreman: So he ate some chalk, it isn't toxic, sure didn't cause the pleural effusion. House: Forget the chalk. Cameron: You just said it was about the chalk. House: Yes, and then I said forget the chalk, you must be very confused. This kid's got pica. Take him to a buffet he's going to eat the table. Chase: Old lead paint? Cameron: Level of lead in the blood was normal. His tox screen was clean. House: We're not looking for typical poisons we're looking for anything that he can put in his mouth; matches, spiders, bricks. Chase: Pressure-treated wood used to contain arsenic. House: Even better. [To Foreman.] Hansel, get samples of the gingerbread house; bag everything. (Next scene is later in the day; House is wearing his leather jacket and is downstairs in the parking garage about to go home.) [His bike is now in the middle of the parking garage and Ali is sitting on it.] Ali: Hey. House: You can get into a lot of trouble being here. Ali: I wanted to see you. House: Yeah, I got that. So did everyone else, they think you're a stalker. Ali: One could argue those people might be jealous of your attention. House: Yes I actually made that argument. Ali: You going home? House: That's the plan. Ali: In Iceland the age of consent is 14. House: I'm surprised that tourism isn't a bigger industry up there. Ali: So today I'm jailbait but in 22 weeks anybody can do anything to me. Will I be so different in 22 weeks? House: 22 weeks is enough for an embryo to grow arms and legs. Ali: It's just a line; an arbitrary line drawn by a bunch of sad old men in robes. House: Yeah, who cares what judges think. Ali: Didn't think of you as a guy who followed rules just because they were rules. House: You are over 10 years younger than me. [Ali makes a face.] I said over. [There's the sound of an elevator dinging before Cuddy appears.] House: Gotta go! Cuddy: House. House: Doctor Cuddy, do you happen to know the way to the Icelandic consulate? This young woman, a stranger to me, was just asking directions. Cuddy: Security was going to call the police; I don't want to do that to you. Go home. House: She needed a ride. Cuddy: She got here on her own she can get home on her own. Now! [Ali grudgingly gets off House's bike.] And if I see you on hospital grounds again, I will call the police. [Ali gives House a sweet smile accompanied by a "do me" look before walking off, House blinks at her and Cuddy gives a shocked look.] House: After that look I'm feeling a little frisky, looks like you're up. Cuddy: I'm ovulating, let's go. House: The frisky it went away. Cuddy: House, this isn't a game. House: If I leave her alone can I have my carpet back? Cuddy: No. House: If I forget about my carpet can I have her? [Cuddy doesn't bother to reply and he swings his cane and slides it into his bag like a ninja slides his sword back into a sheath strapped to his back. It's just terribly cool.] (We see scenes of Foreman at the family home taking samples and pulling a plant up from inside a tunnel that's part of Adam's playground.) (Next day, House is playing Adam's Gameboy on his bed when the Ducklings walk in.) Foreman: Jimson weed. Found a small patch of it in his backyard. Jimson weed contains atropine. Poor man's acid. Our kid's been tripping on Lucy in the Sky with Cubic Zirconium; explains the pleural effusion, the heart arrhythmias. Cameron: Meeting here will do nothing to upset Cuddy. House: I'm not trying to upset Cuddy; I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with the patient. Continue. Foreman: Done. Chase: Jimson weed doesn't explain the screaming. House: You've obviously never had a bad trip. Cameron: I would have thought you'd try to accomplish two goals at once. House: Why can't you be more like the other age inappropriate girls who have a thing for me? Just accept me for me. Continue. Chase: Treatment for Jimson weed OD is physostigmine. Kid's got heart issues, the two don't mix. We better make sure that's what he's got. Foreman: Serum from the lab in Patterson is 3 days minimum. Chase: He won't survive 3 days. House: What time does he wake up? Cameron: 7.35am. House: Then what? Walk me through it. Cameron: 7.40 - 7.50 he goes to the toilet, washes his face, what does this matter? House: I'm trying to prove he ate the plant. Foreman: His schedule has nothing to do with Jimson weed. House: There are two possibilities, either the parents saw him eat the plant or the kid has unsupervised time and eats plants instead of playing blocks. Chase: Even if you find 15 minutes of free time outside doesn't mean he spent it eating a bush. House: So what do we do? Nothing? Wait for the kid to tell us? What? [House gathers his stuff and gets up off the bed.] Cameron: Where are you going? House: To talk to him. (Scene moves to the ICU, House walks in on the family.) House: Ever see your son eat a bush? Sarah: I haven't. Dominic: I've only ever seen him eat leftover-- House: Adam! [The boy opens his eyes a little droopily.] Did you eat something at your house, something that made you sick? I need you to show me what you ate. [Adam makes protesting noises.] Dominic: He can't answer you. House: Neither can you. [House takes one of the learning boards that Adam has and starts sticking pictures on it as he talks to illustrate his point.] This is your backyard; you may know it as Mel's Diner. Here's your sandbox, your jungle gym, under it is this. [He picks up a photo of the Jimson weed and puts it on the board.] I need to know if you ate this, Adam. [Adam isn't really looking and is still making protesting noises.] Dominic: He doesn't know what you want. House: Adam, you have to tell me because if you don't, [He picks up the Gameboy and shows the game over screen on it.] it'll be game over, you'll be dad. Dominic: What the hell are you doing? House: Show me what you ate. Adam! Show me what you ate. [Adam slowly reaches out his hand and pulls at the picture of the sandbox and holds it in his hand. Suddenly his right eyeball does a flip in its socket and does a 360.] Dominic: Adam? Sarah: Honey? Adam! (Next scene is in the hospital's chapel, two grieving strangers are inside sitting quietly when the Ducklings come in.) House: [At the podium in the front of the room, talking in a spot-on Southern accent.] Come on in, brothers and sister. Welcome to the house of the Lord! Cameron: House, come on, the chapel? House: [One of the strangers leaves. House points to the whiteboard next to him on the podium.] We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. Brother can you testify as to why this poor child's eyeball rolled back into his head? [Uses his cane to point at Chase.] Chase: It's consistent with Jimson weed poisoning, ocular paralysis. [The other stranger gets up to leave.] Sorry. House: The wicked shall deceive ye because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots, his ocular muscle didn't paralyze, it pirouetted. Cameron: MS. House: It is easier for a wise man to gain access to heaven! Cameron: Can you stop doing that? Just say not MS. Chase: Stroke, bleed in the brain. House: [Back to his normal American accent.] We'd be seeing other symptoms besides a single eye misalignment, like a coma, and you've already testified. Foreman: It's a tumor. Cameron: And all the imaging just missed it? Foreman: It's a micro tumor. Started in his lung which caused the pleural effusion, then it metastasized to his liver which made it slough cells. And then went to his brain behind the eye which caused it to roll back into his head. House: So he has 3 tumors and we missed all of them. What's the opposite of a miracle? Foreman: I've a better chance of finding it now that I know exactly where to look. So, unless you have a better idea, I'm going to go CT his head and then if I have to, remove his eye. House: You remove this kid's eye he's only going to be half as good at not making eye contact. (Next scene, House is eating crisps, daydreaming and sitting in front of the wall fountain of cascading water that we saw in 2.19 House vs. God.) Cuddy: Hello? Hello? Hello? [House finally looks up.] I have sad news for you. She doesn't love you. House: You're ugly when you're jealous. Cuddy: She showed up at my house last night, came on to me. House: She's even more perfect than I thought. Cuddy: House! She's sick. House: You say sick, I say freestyling. Cuddy: The girl will have sex with an invertebrate. House: Come on, you're not that bad. Cuddy: She has a problem. You're not doing her any favors by indulging her! House: Why would you lie like this? Do you not have room in your heart for love? Cuddy: You don't believe me. House: I didn't believe the kids when they said that Suzie was sleeping with Johnny. Didn't believe them then I don't believe them now, I don't care that Suzie married Johnny, he's mine. [Cuddy looks baffled by this.] Cuddy: She has a mole on her right breast just below the nipple. House: [Softly.] No she doesn't. Cuddy: You've seen her breasts?! House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart; it went "Greg House, Greg House, Greg House". Cuddy: Fine, I'm lying. But she did come back, she's locked up in my office, I was hoping you could talk to her, put an end to this. (House walks into Cuddy's office where Ali is waiting.) [Almost everything he says to her is quoted from Casablanca but she doesn't realize that.] House: Listen to me; do you have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed with me? Nine chances out of ten we'd both wind up in a jail. Ali: You're only saying that to make me go. House: I'm saying it 'coz it's true. Inside of us, we both know that you belong with Victor. [She looks confused.] Is there a Victor in your class? [She shakes her head.] Well if you're not with someone your age, you'll regret it; maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. Ali: [Starting to cry.] What about us? House: We'll always have Fresno. I'm no good at being noble but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. [He raises her chin.] Now, now, here's looking at you-- [He notices that her tears are milky.] Damn. Was there an earthquake when you were in Fresno? Ali: What? House: I ask all my girlfriends that. Ali: Umm... yeah a little one. House: Damn. Ali: What? What is it? House: It's not love, you have spore in your brain; Coccidioides immitis. California's full of them, they get an earthquake they get released into the air, you breathe it in you get a cold, turns into sinus congestion, aches, weakness, milky tears and sometimes loss of inhibition and judgment. Damn! [He takes up a prescription pad.] Ali: So loving you, wanting to have sex with you is all just the spores talking? House: [Hands her a prescription.] You'll probably live. Damn! (Later the day, House is playing with a slinky in Adam's room when he sees the board full of squiggly lines that Adam drew on his blackboard. He suddenly realizes something and rushes off.) (Scene moves to House bursting into an OR.) House: Hey! Don't touch his eye! Surgeon: This is an appendectomy. House: Like I said, don't touch his eye. (And then House walks into the ICU where Foreman and the parents are still waiting beside Adam's bed.) House: Why isn't he in surgery? Foreman: Some emergency bumped him; we've got another room in 10 minutes. House: Better not take him in, kll the lights. [He sits on Adam's bed.] He's seeing them all the time. Foreman: What are you looking for? House: [Using a light to peer into Adam's pupil.] He's telling us what he's seeing, telling us exactly what was wrong with him, drawing them for us over and over again. Nobody knew how to speak autistic. When I asked him what he ate he even told me that. [He holds up the picture of the sandbox.] Dominic: What are you talking about? What was he seeing? House: [Peers into the pupil again and now we can see the squiggly lines Adam was drawing... they're worms.] Hello my pretties. It's not a tumor, Foreman, it's worms swimming in his eye. Animal makes potty in the sandbox, boy plays in the sandbox, boy eats the sand, you can probably tell where this is going by now. Foreman: Stool samples were negative for parasites. House: Raccoon roundworms are not excreted by their human host. Foreman: Cameron tested the sand. House: All of it? Worms spread from his gut to the rest of his body. attcked his lungs, that's what made him scream and caused the effusion. [CGI of all this as House explains.] invde his liver sending dad liver cells coursing through his system, it attcked his eye and the muscles surrounding it making his eyeball do a back flip. Laser photo coagulation can fix the eye and high dose of benzimidazole should kll the worms. Dominic: Wait a minute, that's it? He's going to be ok? House: Good news, he's going to be with you for a long, long time. (Much later, Wilson walks into Cuddy's office with a big book.) Wilson: I'm going to read you something. "Asperger's syndrome is a mild and rare form of autism. It is typically characterized by difficulty establishing friendships and playing with peers, trouble accepting conventional social rules, and they dislike any change in setting or routine"... or broadloom. Doesn't say that last part but you get my point. Cuddy: House doesn't have Asperger's, diagnosis is much simpler; he's a jerk. Wilson: Why do you think he took this case? Because he believes these parents? Because he wants to help a young boy? He sees himself in this kid and he's trying to help himself. He doesn't want this, he needs it. (Later House is sitting on a couch in front of Adam's room watching the family as they prepare to leave; Wilson comes up and leans on the pillar next to the couch.) Wilson: You're not autistic; you don't even have Asperger's. You wish you did, it would exempt you from the rules, give you freedom, absolve you of responsibility, let you date 17-yr-olds. But most important it would mean that you're not just a jerk. House: At what point does a person endlessly lecturing someone make him a jerk? [Silence for a while as they watch the family.] First tongue kiss, an 8 on the happiness scale. (Possibly harking back to the scale Wilson was talking about in 3.01 Meaning.) Your child being snatched back from the brink of death, that's a 10. They're clocking in at a very tepid 6.5 because they know what they have to go back to. [The family walks up to House.] Dominic: Listen... thanks. Sarah: You saved his life. House: Yeah I know, see ya. [Adam walks up to House without making any eye contact, and then hands House his Gameboy. House takes it and Adam makes eye contact with him for a couple of seconds, but it's enough. He walks away again and the parents are almost in tears, so ecstatic to see such progress from their son.] Dominic: You're so good! [Dominic kisses his son on the head and both parents smile thankfully at House as they walk on.] Wilson: That was a 10. (Last scene, a guy is rolling out the old carpet in the conference room to reveal the bloodstains. House watches on as Cameron walks up to him and stands next to him) Cameron: All change is bad? It's not true you know.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x04 - Lines In The Sand"}	foreverdreaming
(Scene opens at a diner at night, two tough looking guys are sitting at a table, a waitress serves one of them what looks like some meat and chips on a plate) Waitress: Here you go. Tough guy1: Fried crap will kll ya. [Second guy starts coughing] See? [They both start looking around the diner warily] Tough guy1: Dynamite the doughnuts. [Second guy brings out a pair of gn and they both stand up] Tough guy2: Hands in the air right now! Tough guy1: Get up! Let's go! Tough guy2: Move it! [The waitress and waiter both look shocked and put up their hands. Tracy and Jeremy (a young couple) are chased away from their booth to stand next to the counter] Tough guy2: All your wallets, I want them on the counter! Right now! Tough guy1: You! Your watches, your jewellery, take it all off! [Second guy whispers something into the first guy's ear] Tough guy1: We're moving into the backroom, go, go! Tough guy2: Move it! Come on. [He tugs Tracy and holds her back] Not you. Jeremy: Hey! Hey! Tough guy2: She's staying right here. [he points his gn at Jeremy to make sure Jeremy doesn't interfere] Jeremy: I'm not going to let them do this! Waiter: Woah! [he holds Jeremy back] [Tough guy1 cocks his gn and puts it under Jeremy's chin] Tracy: No Jeremy, please, just do what they say, please. Jeremy: Okay, okay. Toughguy1: Move! [The other 3 start moving into the back room and second guy starts leering at Tracy before he starts coughing uncontrollably. Jeremy takes his chance and picks up something heavy to cosh the first guy while he's not paying attention. He then tackles the second guy to the ground and starts pounding the guy's head against the ground] Jeremy: Son of a bitch, you thought I was going to let you hurt my wife?! [Second guy's eyes are starting to glaze out when the waiter stops Jeremy] Waiter: Hey mister! Your wife. [Camera pans to the corner where Tracy was flung after the tackle. She's sitting up but looks like she's gone into anaphylactic shock and can't breathe] Jeremy: What did he do to her? Waiter: Nothing. [Camera zooms into her throat where CGI takes over and we see her throat closing up. Jeremy takes Tracy in his arms] Jeremy: Tracy! (A sht of Tracy in a hospital bed with Jeremy comforting her beside her before we see a close-up sht of Tracy's case file in House's hands. We're back to the Diagnostics conference room) Cameron: 20-yr-old married African-American female couldn't breathe. Anaphylaxis-like throat-swelling. House: Children? Cameron: You think pregnancy would explain the-- House: It explains the marriage. Who the hell gets married at 20? Foreman: I'm guessing people in love? House: Show me a 20-yr-old who's not in love. You get married at 20 you're going to be shocked at who you're living with at 30. [He looks out the glass wall to find Wilson chatting up a pretty nurse - they seem to be enjoying their conversation and the nurse is laughing at some joke Wilson has made] Cameron: Not allergies, negative on the skin test - 4 days of antihistamines and steroids. House: Who's he talking to? Cameron: What? House: It's got an ass, technically that makes it a who. [the Ducklings turns around to see] Cameron: Uhh... new nurse in Peds. Wendy something. Swelling just started to go down. House: You seen her here before? Cameron: Couple times. I tried following her home, but she gave me the slip. [Foreman is amused by Cameron's remark] Cameron: Swelling's-- [House suddenly walks out of the room to join Wilson and Wendy. Wendy is laughing at something Wilson said again] House: You think that's funny, ask him about the time he sabotaged my cane. Wendy: [laughs] You serious? Wilson: There was a point to it. Wendy, this is House. House: Something about not getting too uppity with normal folks who walk good. Wendy: You're everything I'd heard. Nice to meet you. [she walks off] Wilson: [grimaces at House] Why so rude? House: You sprinted through 3 bad marriages, into an affair with a dying patient - now a naughty nurse? How many more failed relationships are we both going to have to deal with before you learn to love yourself? And I mean that in a literal way. Wilson: It's amazing how you can not only know it's a relationship but that it's a bad relationship based on nothing but... nothing. House: I know you. Wilson: I'm not with her, not even trying. House: You're lying to me, that's interesting. Wilson: [walking towards his office] Well, as long as it's interesting. [House walks back into the conference room] Cameron: Swelling is-- House: Why is she hanging out here? Cameron: Anyone interesting in what happened with the swelling? House: She's in Peds, it's the next wing over. Cameron: If you're wondering if Wilson's dating her, ask Wilson. Foreman: Clearly he did and Wilson denied it, and House doesn't believe him. It's gotta hurt, that's why it pays to have more than one friend, House. House: If he's not hitting that then why's she here? Cameron: Because I'm hitting that and it's totally hot. [House, Chase and Foreman look at her shocked for a moment] Swelling took 4 days to resolve, patient has unexplained intensive abdominal pains. House: So explain them. Wake me when they've done an exploratory laparotomy. Anybody know her? Know her story? Cameron: Up an' at 'em. [she spreads the case file on the table in front of House] They did a laparotomy. Liver, bowel, gall bladder, appendix all clean. House: Belly pain plus throat swelling. Chase: She was in some sort of asault right? Simple neck trauma. Cameron: He says they didn't touch her neck and if they did it would have been resolved by now. [House sits down at the table to look at the file] Foreman: Didn't need to touch her, some guy coughed on her right? Cameron: He's in jail and he's completely healthy except for the broken head he got from the beating he took. [Chase gets up and comes to stand behind House so he can look at the case file. House closes the file and looks up at Chase] Chase: There's pot. On the tox screen. [House opens the file again] Salmonella from the pot would explain the stomach pains. Foreman: At a stretch, she'd have a fever. Chase: She's on steroids from the swelling therefore no fever. And the smoking explains the throat. Foreman: Sorry, take it back, that's a stretch. House: Got a better idea? [Silence] Then stretch away. Start her on floroquinolone for the salmonella. (Next scene, House enters the clinic. A patient - Michael Tritter stands there waiting) Tritter: I was waiting 2 hours out there. [He puts a piece of gum in his mouth and House closes the door] House: Fascinating. Have you considered a career as a memoirist? [He sits down on the stool] Let's see it. Tritter: You don't to introduce yourself? [He starts unzipping his pants] House: Sorry, I thought you were waiting 2 hours, didn't know you wanted to chat. Hi, I'm Greg. How 'bout that local sports team? [He checks out Tritter's crotch as Tritter pulls his pants down] It's not an infection. Tritter: How can you tell-- House: You want me to touch you? It's your private place. You're chewing nicotine gum which causes dehydration which causes wear and tear. Try a lubricant or foreplay if you're cheap. Tritter: Just take a swab and get it tested, ok? House: Sorry, already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots. [He pops a vicodin] Tritter: You're rude. House: Wow, you're like a... detective or something. Tritter: And you're smart, and you're funny but you are bitter. [He starts pulling up his pants] And you're lonely, so you treat everyone around like they're idiots and you get away with it because of your cane. House: Please stop, it's hard to write through the haze of bitter tears. Tritter: But you're not actually getting away with it. Last nurse you made fun of, she probably slipped some crap into your coffee. House: Nyeah, I asked for decrappinated coffee. [He takes his cane and is about to walk out when Tritter deliberately kicks at his cane. House loses balance and falls against the door. He looks back in surprise] Tritter: Treat people like jerks, you get treated like a jerk. [House walks back to the stool wearing a resigned look. Tritter pulls his pants back down and House takes a swabbing] Tritter: Thank you. House: Bend over. [Tritter smiles like it's a joke] Tritter: You're kidding me. House: If you have an infection, you'd have a fever. You're chewing nicotine gum which messes with the weather in your mouth so I need to [he shows the thermometer] vacation elsewhere. [Tritter pulls down his pants a bit more and bends over. House shoves the thermometer up and Tritter gives a little yelp of pain] House: And wait 'til I put the thermometer in. [Tritter tries to look back to see what House is doing] Uh uh, you break it, you bought it. [Leaving the thermometer where he shoved it, he walks out of the clinic room to the nurse's counter] House: Leaving early today. [He returns Tritter's file] Did you ever get that thing where you're sure you've forgotten something but you can't figure out what? [Nurse shakes her head] Guess it can't be that important. [He throws away the swabbing test he did on Tritter and walks off] (Foreman is talking to Tracy and Jeremy) Foreman: Salmonella's a bacterial infection that you can get from pot plants, causes stomach pain. Tracy: And my throat? Foreman: The thinking is it's an inflammatory reaction to the smoking. Jeremy: How much would you need to smoke for your throat to go nuts like that? Foreman: Most cases a lot. Jeremy: We don't smoke a lot. Foreman: Let's just start the treatment. Jeremy: You think we're liars as well as druggies? Foreman: Actually I'm wondering if you'd mind getting her a cup of ice chips. Jeremy: You're not going to get any different answer from her. Tracy: No, no, he can stay. No offence but this place is scary, I feel better when he's around. Foreman: Tracy, I need to talk to you. Tracy: We don't do a lot of drugs. Foreman: I need to know your answers aren't being pressured. [Jeremy looks annoyed] Tracy: Look, if you think the antibiotics are a good idea, you can give them to me. Foreman: Okay. [Hangs up the drip] Worse case scenario, it'll help us rule out a few things. [Jeremy makes a noise of disbelief] Tracy: He's a good guy, he just has a hard time holding in his emotions. Jeremy: You don't have to apologise for me. Tracy: That mean you're going to do it for yourself? Jeremy: I got nothing to apologise for. Tracy: [sighs] He's young. [she starts scratching at her arm] Itchy. [Foreman takes a look at the arm] (Chase and Foreman talking to House as he signs something at the nurse's station) Foreman: Allergic reaction to the floroquinolone. Chase: We should switch her to a different antibiotic. House: Why? Chase: We can't treat the salmonella unless-- House: Salmonella? That was a total stretch. Foreman: Man, why does that sound so familiar? You think it's 'coz I said it an hour ago? House: Then it was a dumb thing to say, now it's smart. She's got the rash so we know she's unusually susceptible to allergic reactions so that's what brought her in. Probably the peanut butter in her sandwich. Chase: Stick test was negative for peanuts. House: That's because you foolishly tested her while she was lying down. Foreman: Exercise-based anaphylaxis? Think that requires exercise. When her throat closed they'd just got done eating, not even competitive eating. House: And getting robbed. Always gets my heart rate up. Give her the same food she ate at the diner and stick her on the treadmill. Foreman: Better yet put a good to her head, thrat to rpe her. House: You don't think I'm going to get a response? Foreman: No. House: You're on, 50 bucks. Foreman: I'm not betting on a patient's-- House: A hundred bucks? If you say so. [He walks into a room and Chase and Foreman exchange a look before walking off together] (Tracy is running on the treadmill.) Foreman: Tracy, I'm increasing the speed a little. Tracy: My stomach really hurts! Jeremy, you out there? Talk to me! Jeremy: You're doing great! Isn't this enough? Foreman: We're not getting any allergic response yet. Jeremy: Come on, shut it off. Foreman: We don't complete the test, my boss will just come down here and do it himself; you do not want that. Jeremy: She's in pain - look at her! Foreman: I don't want to have to ask you leave. Jeremy: You're gonna ask me to leave, are you kidding me? This is my wife! You guys aren't helping her, you're just hurting her! What? You guys have all this equipment here, and you're not doing anything! You can't even figure out what's wrong - ah! [He screams and clutches his stomach.] God, it hurts! Foreman: Where? Jeremy: My stomach and my chest. Ah! Foreman: [picking up the phone] It's Foreman: get me a wheelchair! (Short sht of Jeremy and Tracy in a room, then cut to the hallway in front of Diagnostics.) Foreman: He's as sick as she is, now. House: Told you it would work. Foreman: It worked on the wrong patient. House: We can spend all day arguing right and wrong. Give me the hundred bucks. Foreman: We didn't bet! House: We could spend all day arguing whether we bet or not. Give me the hundred bucks. Chase: Come on Foreman, pay up. He won! Or he just never finished the DDX. Foreman: [pays up as they enter the locker room] Husband's test showed no MI. No aortic dissection. It's not his heart, it's just nonspecific chest and abdominal pain. House: So, psychosomatic? Panic attck? [House takes Cameron's stethoscope and begins to break into a locker.] Cameron: Pain persisted after he got Lorazepam and morphine. Who's locker is that? House: Mine. Chest, stomach, throat. What does it all mean? Cameron: We're in the nurses' locker room! House: I know that. [The locker opens.] Oh, that is so annoying! Wilson's girlfriend's left her stuff in my locker again. Chase: Great, I hadn't committed any felonies yet today. House: Relax, you know they're going to blame... Foreman: House, you wanna mess with Wilson, no problem. But you've got no reason to screw around with - House: Can we get back to the medicine? Foreman: Okay. Why assume one disease? His chest, her throat. House: So it's just a coincidence that they both got crippling stomach pains. Wow, they really are a great couple. So much in common. One blue shoe - what do you think that means? Foreman: It means you're insane! Wilson's not dating her. House: You feeling luckier? Foreman: It doesn't matter what I answer? House: Two hundred it is. Cameron: If they're married and caught the same disease, then it means they - House: Aha! Brochure to a jazz festival in the Poconos this weekend. Chase: Wilson likes jazz. Foreman, pay the man. House: Four, five, six novels, no music. What does that mean? Foreman: She's literate. House: It means she spends her time reading, not listening. She'd only want to go and watch jazz if the only person wanted to go. She has a martyr complex. Issues of inferiority. Cameron: Married couple. Same disease. They either got it from each other, or in the same place. House: Infectious or environmental. All you have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it's internet prn related. I'll check the internet, you guys cover the rest of the stuff. (The team checks out Tracy and Jeremy's home.) Chase: If they can live here without klling each other, they must really be in love. It's tiny. Foreman: Then how come it's taking you so long to search it? Chase: Box of condoms in his jacket. Foreman: I know you're poor now, but buy your own. Chase: She's on the Pill - why would they need condoms? Foreman: No, no, put that back. Chase: Why? Foreman: We show that to House, he'll just call the guy a cheating bastard. Look how he is with Wilson! Chase: He'd be right. Could be an STD. Foreman: One that doesn't give him any symptoms in his sexual organs? He never mentioned anything. Chase: Maybe they're embarrassed. What else could it be? You think they just like the sexy feel of latex against their genitals? Foreman: Maybe the wife just wants to be extra cautious? Chase: Come on, you really believe that? Foreman: Yeah. Chase: Good. Then I'm sure you'll have no problem convincing House. (A hallway.) House: That cheating bastard! Foreman: He loves her! House: Right, I bet he told you that she's the love of his life. Foreman: People lie, I get it, but they don't go up against two armed gn to save someone unless - House: There's a reason that we don't let kids vote or drink or work in the salt mines. They're idiots! 20-year-olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often. Foreman: Sorry! Ridiculous of me to draw a conclusion based on actually observing them. I should have just depended on your misanthropic view of human nature. Chase: Gonorrhea explains all their symptoms. Fitz-Hugh Curtis syndrome for her belly pain, Costochondritis and bladder infection for his chest and abdominal pain. House: Good. Now go rub their lying, cheating privates with a cotton swab. (Tracy and Jeremy's room.) Jeremy: Why would you want to look at our - Tracy: Is this because of our condoms? You found them in his jacket, figured he hiding something from me. I thought I was pregnant last month, kinda freaked me out. I'm way too young to have kids. Foreman: So you just wanted to be extra cautious. Chase: Wish one of us had figured that out, stuck to his gn. Still, we're gonna check you both. Jeremy: She's the only girlfriend I've ever had. She's the love of my - Foreman: Please don't say it. Jeremy: I can't say I love my wife? Foreman: We're still gonna test ya. Jeremy: Why is it? I'm white? Foreman: Yeah, that's it. Tracy: Jeremy, I wish you would stop it. You're really embarrassing. Jeremy: Everybody thinks they're so liberal, but I see how they look at us, white and black. Especially black. I'm sorry, Trace, but it's true. Foreman: Great. Prove us all wrong. (Hallway.) Foreman: No scarring, no purulent discharge, and the NATs were negative. They don't have an STD. House: What's that, you say? You have a problem with interracial couples? Foreman: Thank you, Chase. House: No! Haven't any of your shorties ever been whities? Foreman: Not sure I understand your ghetto slang, Dr. House. How many black women have you dated, by the way? House: I don't care about color. As long as they can help me breed a superior race. Foreman: Yeah, my exes have usually been black, so what? It's not a racial thing, it's cultural. I have more in common with them, like I assume you only date emotionally stunted bigots. House: Sorry, you're right. That kind of prejudice is totally fine. Foreman: The abdominal pain's getting worse. We've had to up their morphine twice. House: Take the wife off the steroids. If she spikes a fever, we'll know it's an infection. If she doesn't, it's environmental. (Cuddy's office.) House: He got off easy. I almost gave him a colonoscopy. Cuddy: That was one of the stupidest things you have ever done, and there is heavy competition for - [House is rifling around in something.] What are you doing? House: Hmm, only ate half your breakfast. Feeling a little sick this morning? Cuddy: I'm not pregnant, they burnt my omelet. You need to apologize to this guy. House: I'm a man of principle. I don't care how much time and money it costs you to defend me. Cuddy: He wants to kll you. House: No empty coffee cups. Off the caffeine. Good for baby. Cuddy: Cup's in the other wastebasket, baby's in your mind! You can berate patients all you want. Shoving objects into their rectums is assult. Pay attention to me. House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you. Can't ignore that rapidly expanding first trimester ass, though. Cuddy: Sometimes an ass is just an ass. You are not always right, House. Apologize to the guy. (Tracy is dreaming in her bed, tossing and turning. She wakes up to see a man towering over her bed.) Tracy: What are you doing here? Jeremy's dad: Stay away from my son. Tracy: How did you find us? Jeremy's dad: Stay away from that girl. [He begins to twist Jeremy's arm. Jeremy and Tracy both scream. Across the hall, Foreman and a nurse run in. It is a hallucination, and Jeremy has rushed to Tracy's side.] Foreman: What happened? Jeremy: She's dreaming! She started screaming. Tracy: They're breaking Jeremy's arm, please! Foreman: No one's hurting him. Jeremy: Baby, it's me, it's Jeremy. Tracy, Tracy... She's okay. Baby, it's just a bad dream, everything's okay, Tracy. Tracy? [Tracy makes no answer. Foreman gazes into her eyes, which make no reaction.] Foreman: It was an acute delirium. Jeremy: Well, she's talking, right? I mean, she's coming out of it. Foreman: Well, she's not really talking. She's just making sounds. Jeremy: Okay, when's she gonna come out? Foreman: Jeremy, she's in a coma. (Tracy is undergoing an MRI, and Foreman talks to Jeremy in his room.) Foreman: So her vitals are pretty sab, but her response to stimuli is getting weaker, which means the coma's getting worse. The brain is slowly shutting down. Jeremy: Can I see her? Foreman: We're getting more images to check for masses or infection. [Jeremy groans.] I'll increase your morphine. Jeremy: Her hallucination. If you knew what it was, would that make any difference? Medically, I mean. Foreman: Not usually. In some cases, the form of the hallucination can tell us what part of the brain is being ht. Jeremy: I think it was about my dad. Foreman: Your dad was breaking your arm? Jeremy: He was a drunk, pill-popping rcist. He caught me sneaking into her house when we were thirteen. She lived next door. He broke my arm and thrat to hurt her. We ran off when we were sixteen. Foreman: You still in touch with him? Jeremy: klled himself a couple of years ago. Foreman: Hmm. It's not medical, I just thought blacks were the rcist ones. (The doctors are looking at the MRI of Tracy's brain in House's office.) Chase: Some generalized edema throughout and areas of increased signal here, here, here, and here. Cameron: Damn. All over her brain stem. Chase: It could be plaques, hyperdensities from the edema... Foreman: Or tumors or anything. House: You add brain involvement to the chest, stomach, throat, what've you got? Foreman: Didn't spike a fever when we took her off the steroids, so it's not an infection. House: Leaving environmental. What flavor? Cameron: Environmental doesn't make sense, either. If it were toxin, we'd see it in their livers. None of their neighbors are sick, no coworkers - House: They both got it, meaning it's infection or environmental, and since it's not an infection... Foreman: What if they didn't both get it? Maybe we got our basic assumption wrong and it's two different diseases? House: Maybe we didn't and it's sarcoidosis. Foreman: Sarcoidosis isn't infectious or environmental. House: Tell that to the clusters of sarcoidosis cases. Chase: Firefighters and residents of pine tar forests? Foreman: I did see these two putting out that blaze in the Pine Barrens. House: If sarcoidosis has two environmental causes, it has environmental causes. We just don't know all of them yet. Husband's chest. He has slightly enlarged hylar lymph nodes. Sarcoidosis explains almost all of their symptoms, including her getting worse off the steroids. Cameron: It doesn't explain his throat swelling. House: That's what 'almost' means. Cameron: 90% of sarcoidosis cases have lung scarring. House: Oh, 90%? Cameron: Oh, almost. House: Fine, I'll consult a specialist. [He climbs over the balcony wall and into Wilson's office.] Wilson: If this is more dating advice... House: Love to gossip, but I've got work to do. Is this sarcoidosis? Wilson: It's pretty nonspecific. Could be granulomas, could be plaques. What's this? Oh, oh, you stole Wendy's personnel file?! House: In a way, aren't we all guilty of bribing the janitor of taking the file and giving it to me? Yes, I take my share of the blame, but society's also - Wilson: First of all, I am not dating her. House: She is so wrong for you. You know, she filed a form so the hospital would take extra withholding. Who does that? Wilson: She's much too cautious for me. Point taken, I'll start dating her so I can break up with her and start dating a stripper. You're a miserable jerk who can't stand to be alone. House: I didn't try to break up your marriages; you did that yourself. Wilson: My marriages were so crappy I was spending all my time with you. Your real fear is me having a good relationship. House: Yes, that keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness monster, global warming, evolution, and other fictional concepts. Although a big, romantic weekend in the Poconos could change everything. [Wilson is very confused. They make eyes at each other, and points to House and himself a few times in apparent disbelief.] Wilson: You don't... no. I don't think it's sarcoidosis. [House walks back.] House: He says it's sarcoidosis. Start them both on methotrexate. Foreman: And if you're wrong? House: If Wilson's wrong. We'll biopsy her just to be sure. Chase: The brain stem? Brain damage is not only possible, it's likely! House: Good point. Let's biopsy something safer, like her shoes. Cameron: The husband, he'd have to give consent. He can't right now. House: Why? This guy write with his stomach? Cameron: He has a conflict of interest. It's not his brain we're cutting open, but he's getting all the benefit. He'd do it just to save himself. House: Or to save her. She's the love of his life, remember? Foreman: He never said that. Cameron: She needs a guardian ad litum. I can't let you do this. House: How're you going to stop me? Call Cuddy? (Clinic.) Cuddy: Cameron's right, there's a conflict. House: No, there isn't! Not unless one of them wants to die a horrible, painful death. Cuddy: I'm sure the guardian will figure that out. House: In a couple days! Will the guardian convince the disease to hold off eating her brain until we can get the legalities worked out? Cuddy: I just don't want some plaintiff's lawyer owning my hospital. Legalities help. Speaking of which, did you get your thermometer back yet? House: Uh, we had a nice chat. Did you know he's a Rotarian? Listen, she'll die without the biopsy. Cuddy: I need to cover the hospital's ass. You're too biased. I send you in there, you'll steamroll over him. Something goes wrong, he'll sue us for not disclosing the risks. House: Then have Wilson talk to the husband. Wilson kills people left and right, no one ever sues him. Cuddy: Fine, but only if you apologize to the clinic guy. House: Nah, probably better to just let that couple die. Cuddy: I don't care if you mean it. Just do it. (Wilson is talking to Jeremy.) Wilson: Unfortunately, we don't see any way around a biopsy. We'll do all we can to minimize any damage. Jeremy: No. Wilson: The methotrexate isn't showing any effects, yet. You could both be - Jeremy: She's brilliant. All A's in college while working full-time. I can't do that to her. Wilson: And if you both die, you think she'd want that? Jeremy: Do it on me instead. Wilson: It's not in your brain. Jeremy: It will be. It's the same disease, right? Do it then. Wilson: She could die before you show the symptoms. Jeremy: Then stop treating me. (Outside the room.) House: Great job. Why don't you just sh*t him in the head? Wilson: Hold on, that gives me an idea. You know what could save this couple, lots of misdirected sarcasm. House: They're dad. Yelling at you might prevent you from screwing up like this -- Wilson: I didn't screw up. I did my job! House: Your job was to get me the biopsy. Wilson: No, it was to present the patient with his options. House: Two options: biopsy or no biopsy. He chose the third, no treatment. How do you even do that? Wilson: Remember when you used to just weave elaborate conspiracy theories about my love life? Those were such good times. (Diagnostics.) House: How much morphine is the husband on? Chase: We can't increase it any more, his respirations are depressed. House: Decrease it! Drugs cloud peoples' judgement. Cold turkey, you sucker. Foreman: Uh, no. House: Good point. (House is poking around a cart.) House: Did I ask you guys to follow me? Cameron: No, which made us nervous. House: They'll catch on if they notice that he's off the morphine drip. sh*t him up with one of these puppies instead. Cameron: No! House: You do understand it's not really a puppy. Cameron: It's naloxone. Foreman: An opiate blocker? It'll feel like he's swallowing a bonfire. That's pretty unethical, even for you. House: How is that unethical? It'll lead to a diagnosis! Cameron: It's leading to the trture of the husband on the off chance he'll allow a procedure on another person! House: Which will lead to a diagnosis, didn't I just say that? Chase: Give it up. Foreman and Cameron are too ethical, and I'm too scared of getting sued. House: Fine. Now I'm just going to find someplace safe to hide this, where I won't be tempted to use it. Foreman: You're not doing it, either. What, you're gonna run for it? House: If they die now, they'll never be able to grow old and tired of each other. [He hands the meds to Foreman and leaves.] Chase: We can't babysit House all day. Cameron: I'll tell Cuddy to put a nurse by his room. [Foreman looks at the meds House gave to him.] Foreman: Damn it! [He runs off, throwing the tube to Chase.] Chase: Atropine? What happened to - Cameron: He knew we'd stop him. He stuck both of them in his pocket. Chase: That's actually pretty clever. (Foreman runs into Jeremy's room to find House injecting the naloxone.) House: Guess I can't use that trick again, huh? [Foreman tries to open the cart, but it's all locked up.] Jeremy: Oh! Ow, my stomach, ow! House: It's a pretty smart plan, Jerry, but I'm on to you. There's only one good reason to kll the biopsy. You poisoned your wife, and don't want the coppers to get wise. Jeremy: No! House: Oh. Then you're just a moron! Jeremy: Biopsy me! House: Only if this thing hits your brain, you moron! I can't stress that moron thing enough. You're klling your wife! Jeremy: She is the love of my life! House: Careful. Once you say that and you're on wife #2, you're gonna feel real guilty about saying that. Feel that? Get used to it, the pain's gonna get a lot worse. Foreman: No, it won't. The morphine just isn't working right now for some reason. I'm putting you on a tranquilizer in the mean time. It'll work again soon. House: Wanna bet? Jeremy: I don't care about the pain. I need to be in pain, so I can get worse. That means you can do the biopsy on me! House: Dude, she's in a coma. Who're you trying to impress? Jeremy: I'd die for her. Foreman: Give up. Or we can wait for him to grow up and get all cynical. (Clinic) Cuddy: I was just going to call you. House: I need a court order to biopsy this woman's brain. Cuddy: Speaking of litigation... [They enter Cuddy's office. Tritter is sitting inside.] Michael Tritter, you know Dr. House. You guys can talk here. [She leaves.] Tritter: I don't want to sue you. House: Good. Tritter: I want to bat the crap out of you. House: Less good. Tritter: I'll tell you why. You're a bully. And bullies, they don't back down until they run into someone stronger and meaner. House: But you'll accept an apology. Tritter: Yes. House: Not really a recipe for sincerity. Tritter: I'm not looking for sincerity. I'm looking for humiliation. Something that will make you think twice before you treat the next patient like crap. House: Here's what's gonna happen: you go brag to your friends about how you made the big, nasty doctor go poop in his pants, I get Cuddy off my back by telling her I humiliated myself, here's the catch - we're both gonna be lying. I'm not apologizing. If anything, you deserved a bigger thermometer. [He leaves Cuddy's office to find Foreman and Chase.] What's wrong? Foreman: Jeremy's worse. House: Then that's what's right. You cut the stubborn jerk's head open and take a slice. Foreman: It's not his brain. Lactic acid's up to 39, his intestines are rotting. Chase: This isn't sarcoidosis. House: He'll get his wish. He's dying, just not in a way that's going to help his wife. (Diagnostics.) Cameron: Worse. She's losing response to stimuli, he's vomiting blood and his lactic acid's 45. Chase: He's got isochemic bowel. House: So what? Chase: Well, let's see. Lack of blood flow's causing his guts to die, which will cause him to die unless we cut out a few feet of small intestine and reattach the ends. I don't know, seems like a match. House: Why does he have it? What does it tell us? Cameron: Small cell vasculitis? House: Good. Now, let's hear it again, but now with a more environmental or infectious feeling. Foreman: Or, like I said before, it might not be environmental or infectious. He has vasculitis, she has porphyria. Belly pain plus hallucinations, classic symptoms. Can even cause a coma. House: Fine. Start her on hematin for porphyria. Cameron: What about him? House: Take out the dad bowel, it's all we can do. And biopsy it. If Foreman's right, it might save him. If Foreman's wrong, it might save both of them. (Lab.) Foreman: The bowel's not dad. House: Unless he's been tossing down cans of frosty lactic acid, the bowel is dad. What we're looking for is a reason it's dad. Foreman: The bowel's not dad. Just general swelling and edema. The high lactate was probably from stress. We just sliced him open from chest to pubic bone for nothing. House: Nothing's something. Forget the isochemia. Add the edema and swelling. Chase: Probably from cutting him open. House: Probably, not definitely. Okay, back to the beginning. What did we talk about? Anything, I want to hear it all again. Cameron: Allergies, doesn't fit at all now. Chase: STDs, maybe we got the wrong one. What about syphilis, neurological symptoms - Foreman: He wasn't cheating on her. House: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love of his life. Don't you have to wait 'till he's dad to make that determination? Foreman: She's his only girlfriend ever. They grew up next door. They ran off together as teenagers. Sarcoidosis. We only ruled it out because we thought he had isochemic - House: Why did they run off? Cameron: What difference does it - House: Kids talk about running off, not many do it. What was the reason? Foreman: They were trying to escape his evil, pill-popping, rcist dad. You would have liked him. We should do another biopsy. House: How'd you know the dad was rcist? Foreman: He bat up his son for dating a black girl. Extrapolated from that - House: You see racism everywhere. Maybe he just didn't like this black girl. Cameron: It's not sarcoid. We would have seen granulomas in - House: She has pretty eyes. Forget infectious. Forget environmental. Defective DNA is keeping them from making a critical protein, hence the fluid build-up. Hits the throat, stomach, chest, and brain. Cameron: Angioedema? House: Hereditary Angioedema. Symptoms fit perfectly. Chase: It's an incredibly rare disease. They would both have to have a parent - House: Is it a coincidence that your sister has great hair, or that these two have green eyes? Foreman: You're not saying... they're not brother and sister? House: Ew, God, no! That would be sick. Half-brother and sister. Different moms. Dad must have had an affair with her mom. That's why he flipped out when the kids started dating, he had it himself, probably why the pills. Foreman: You won't know for sure - House: Test them for HAE or paternity. It's going to take a day. She doesn't have a day. Start treating and see what happens. (Tracy's room.) Cameron: Any change? Foreman: Her response to stimuli is still just as weak. Cameron: I almost hope she stays in a coma. Chase: That's sweet, Cameron. Cameron: I'd like to avoid shattering both of their lives. Chase: You don't think dying will do that? [Tracy moves her finger, and the oximeter falls off her finger.] Foreman: It's just her oximeter. Jeremy: Tracy, Tracy, she's awake. Oh God, baby, it's going to be okay. (House's office.) House: Awesome, can I tell them? Foreman: We've obviously got to let them know what's wrong, but the cause, the brother-sister thing... House: Good plan. You've just got to keep them away from doctors, the internet, and anyone who's not a total moron. Foreman: Yesterday he was willing to die to save her. You've got to give him time to recover - House: He might be a little vexed that you kept letting him hump his sister in the mean time. Foreman: Unless their dad was also the product of an incestuous union, the chances of serious complications are minimal. House: Noble of you to take that risk. Tell them, or I will. (Tracy and Jeremy's room.) Jeremy: So we just need to take these pills? Foreman: Twice a day. Angioedema's very treatable, you'll be fine. Jeremy: So, what, we caught this from each other, or... Foreman: No, it's a condition you both always had. The onset of symptoms are sometimes caused by stress or trauma - the incident at the diner. Tracy: So we got it as kids? Foreman: It's, um, it's a genetic disease. It's, uh, there's no good reason two unrelated people would get it. We think you guys should take a DNA test. Jeremy: How can we be related? Foreman: We think you have the same dad. But we don't know for sure until we do the tests. Tracy: Oh, God. Oh, your father! Jeremy: No, no, this can't be true! Tracy: Jer, Jer, I'm lighter. I'm lighter than both my parents, and our eyes! Everyone always talks about how we have the same eyes! Foreman: You're not really siblings. Tracy: We have the same father! Foreman: You didn't fight in the back seat on car trips, you didn't change each others' diapers, you just met and fell in love. The way you feel, that hasn't changed. (Diagnostics. House is playing video games while Chase and Foreman pack up.) Chase: Hey, Foreman, can you wear the beeper for a couple hours this weekend? What? Foreman: We just destroyed two peoples' lives. Chase: I'm not allowed to run errands any more? Foreman: I'd like to see some sign that it affects you, or that you recognize that it affects other people. Chase: So are you going to wear the beeper or not? Foreman: Sorry, can't. Chase: You just want to punish me. Foreman: I'm busy. Chase: With what? Foreman: I'm going out of town. House: Doing what? Foreman, you're not missing a blue shoe, are you? Com - you can't be when you know the answer beforehand! Foreman: We can spend all day arguing whether you can bet when you know the answer beforehand. Give me the two hundred bucks. House: What? [Foreman leaves, and meets up with Wendy in the hallway.] Foreman: Hey. Wendy: Hey. [And smooch!] You okay? Foreman: I was just wondering, you really like jazz? Wendy: I love it. Foreman: You lying? Wendy: I'm lying. I wanna spend time with you. Is that so terrible? Foreman: No. Wendy: Maybe we shouldn't walk out together. People see us leaving, and - Foreman: Well, they gotta find out sometime. [He stops her by Tracy and Jeremy's room.] Let me just meet you at your place. [He goes in.] Jeremy: She got her own room. Foreman: She just needs some time alone. You want me to hang out here a bit? [Jeremy nods tearfully.] (End montage. Wilson walks into his hotel room and sits on the bed - all alone. Cuddy peers at the "neg" on her pregnancy test. Foreman comes to sit next to Jeremy. And House speeds home on his motorbike. He is pulled over by a cop, and gets off the bike.) House: If you've come to return the thermometer, don't bother. I've moved on. Tritter: If you'd actually read my chart, you'd know that I'm a cop. You were going 40 in a 25 zone. House: Oh, come on. This isn't because I was speeding, it's because I'm Latino. Tritter: License, registration, proof of insurance. House: Sorry, cool jacket. Only pockets for important stuff. Tritter: That's a shame. House: 50 buck ticket. Is that your way of beating me up, or is that the price for sticking something in you? Tritter: You took a pill while examining a patient, that's serious addictive behavior. I'm betting that you're holding right now. House: I wasn't weaving, I'm not drunk, you've got no reason to - Tritter: Pupils dilated, appear to be under the influence of a narcotic. Would you mind turning around, please, and putting your hands behind your head? House: Does that polite crap ever work on people? [Tritter grabs him and does the above for him.] Tritter: Most people realize that there's only one answer. [He reaches into a pocket and finds some Vicodin.] Got a prescription? House: I'm a cripple who works in a hospital. You don't think I've got a valid prescription? Tritter: Arrogant son-of-a-bitch like you? Oh, I bet you didn't bother. You are under arrest for possession of narcotics. [He cuffs him.] You have the right to remain silent, which you should take advantage of for once in your life. If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x05 - Fools For Love"}	foreverdreaming
(We start with two fre fighters carrying a huge slab of cement and chatting while they work, one is telling a joke to the other.) Fireman1: So, you've got a green beret, a Navy Seal and a sister from Brooklyn. The general hands each of them a gn and says your spouse is seated next door, in a room, in a chair. In order to pass this test you must go inside and kll them. [They drop the slab on the ground.] Immediately the green beret says 'No sir, I could never kll my wife. I just can't do it'. General looks at him and says 'You know what? You ain't got what it takes, take your wife and go on home'. Navy Seal then heads in, 5 minutes later comes out tears strolling down his face. 'I tried, I tried, I tried, I just can't do it, she looks so beautiful on the chair, I can't do it!' General looks at him and says 'You know what? You ain't got what it takes'. Finally, sister from Brooklyn, strolls in with a swagger. Blah blah bang! shts rang out, there's banging, there's screaming, it's going crazy! Then suddenly, everything goes silent. General says 'Well what the hell happened inside?' Sister from Brooklyn screams back 'The damn gn had blanks in it so I had to bat him to death with my bare hands!' [Suddenly a really big slab of cement is dropped from a floor above in the building next to them and lands almost at their feet.] Fireman2: What the hell? Fireman1: A little bit of warning would have been nice! [From the Firemen above.] Fireman3: Sound of a saw cutting a hole in the wall wasn't warning enough? Fireman1: Bite me. [Fireman3 air blows a kiss at him.] (Scene shifts upstairs to see why they've cut a hole in the wall of a bedroom. The guy in the bed is hugely [and I mean hugely] overweight and they're trying to lift him out of it and downstairs since he's apparently dad.) Fireman1: What are you kidding me? Tub of goo there's got to be over 6 bills, you ain't gonna lift him with a couple of blankets. Fireman4: Got a better idea, Einstein? Fireman1: Yeah, just roll him off. [The others laugh.] What he's already dad, ain't like he's gonna feel it. Fireman5: How the hell does a guy get that big? Paramedic: If you roll him off from this side, he's likely to go right through the floor and take us with him. Fireman4: You ready? Alright 1, 2 lift! [They all try to lift but there's a huge farting noise and they all let go laughing out loud.] Fireman4: Come on man! Fireman1: Me? You're the kielbasa king! Fireman4: Wasn't me! [They start looking around at each other.] Fireman5: Whoa, wasn't me either. Paramedic: Don't look at me. Fireman6: Please tell me dad guys can fart. Paramedic: Of course, dad bodies are full of all sorts of gases. Fireman1: But a dad body can't tighten his sphincter, you need a tight sphincter to make a fart. Paramedic: You need a loose sphincter, a tight sphincter-- Fireman4: Did you check his femoral? Paramedic: No, he peed all over himself! [Fireman 4 is pissed, throws off the blankets and starts reaching to find the femoral artery.] Look, I've heard dad bodies moan, groan, hiss, hell even seen them sit straight up on a gurney. Trust me, skin's cold, pupils are fixed and dilated, he's not breathing. Fireman4: He's got a pulse! Paramedic: No way. Fireman4: Alright give me an ambu bag and an EKG, it's thready but its there, lets get him in the basket. Ready? 1, 2, lift! (The scene opens on Cuddy walking into the conference room. Foreman looks up from his book, Chase and Cameron look up from their breakfasts.) Cuddy: 46-yr-old guy in a coma; doesn't appear to be anything wrong with him except for the fact that he weighs over 600 pounds. What time does he usually get in? Cameron: Any time between 8 and 10. [She picks up the patient's file.] Did you say 600? Cuddy: At least. The biggest scale we've got only goes up to 350 but this guy's waistline is over 7 feet. Chase: Which means he's a diabetic with blood thicker than pancake batter. No mystery there, not much we can do. Cuddy: Blood sugar's normal, cholesterol's lower than mine, tox screen's clean, no sign of trauma. Foreman: Sure there wasn't a mix up with the lab? Cuddy: 3 times? Its almost 11. Where is House? (In a holding cell, a very dirty vagrant is singing the same line in a song over and over and over again. House sits on the floor of the cell in t-shirt and jeans, looking rather scruffily delectable I might add, glaring at him.) Vagrant: Have my baby, what a lovely way to say how much you love me... [House has finally had enough and gets up.] House: Excusez-moi gar篮! Hello?! Its 11 o' clock. Which means my friend is ready for his sponge bath and I shouldn't be here. Hey! Gomer Pyle! I know you can hear me! [There's the sound of a door being unlocked and Tritter walks in with a cup of coffee, still chewing his nicotine gum.] Tritter: I think you mean Barney Fife. House: So many great idiot icons to choose from. Tritter: You need time to think of some more? House: Either arraign me or let me go. Tritter: No problem, which do you prefer? (House steps out of the police station with his jacket and cane back; Wilson meets him outside.) House: What took you so long? Wilson: Sorry, I didn't have 15 grand in my loose change jar. What the hell did you do? [He takes a bottle of vicodin out of his pocket and hands it to House.] House: Nothing. [He takes a vicodin.] Wilson: The motorcycle was impounded, that explains the speeding, DUI and driving without a license. The fact that you're you explains the illegal possession of narcotics and resisting arrest. House: Where's your car? Wilson: What happened?! House: Some idiot cop with crotch rot obviously thought that I didn't treat him with the deference due to a man of his stature. Trumped up a traffic stop, next thing I know I'm sharing a cage with a guy who thinks that showers are the way the devil gets inside you. Wilson: Does Cuddy know? House: I don't think she needs to. [Wilson looks at him and he shrugs.] I'm innocent! Wilson: Til proven guilty. House: The guy wanted to punish me, he did it. Its over. Wilson: Better get yourself a lawyer. House: I already got one. Wilson: You know what they say about the lawyer who has himself as a client? House: Same thing they say about the doctor who lends 15 grand to a friend he knows can't pay him back. [Wilson gives him a look and sighs.] Relax, you'll get it. Where am I going to take off to? [They get into Wilson's car.] Does Salma Hayek live in Mexico or Spain? (Meanwhile back at the conference room.) Foreman: There's nothing abnormal in the EEG or the neurological example. Chase: I'm guessing its food related. [He's sitting in one of the chairs away from the table filling in something in a newspaper - probably a crossword; he doesn't seem to really care.] Cameron: Improperly prepared puffer fish can have toxins that could cause a coma and might not show up on the tox screen. Where do you think he is? Chase: He's probably at the track. Foreman: If he was at the track he'd tell us so we don't have to page him and if it was a puffer fish, he'd be dad in 6 to 8 hours tops. He's been in a coma for at least 24. Chase: The guy didn't get to 600 pounds eating a load of sushi. Cameron: What if he was in a motorcycle accident? Foreman: That explains the coma, but how'd he get back in bed? Ahhh! Cameron's talking about House! Cameron: Did you ever see how he drives? Chase: No, WE haven't. Foreman: But I have seen how many pills he's been popping lately, I wouldn't be surprised if he's in a coma somewhere himself. [House walks in.] House: If I am, this is one lame hallucination. Chase: What happened to you? House: If you ever end up in a bar with a Cambridge woman's heavyweight eight, do not accept the offer of an upside-down kamikaze sht. Cameron: We have a case. House: Fat guy in a coma, I know. Chase: Cuddy found you? House: Nope, but the wall between Wilson's office and this one is thinner than you think; which means we need to stop talking about what a pathetic loser he is. Start treating Jabba for Pickwickian Syndrome. His 96 double Zs are probably putting pressure on his chest suffocating him. [He finds some spare clothing.] Foreman: CO2 and oxygen stats are normal. House: For you and me, what's normal for a hippopotamus? [Cameron gives him a look, Foreman looks annoyed.] Get a detailed medical history. Cameron: From who? He was brought in alone. Chase: And I doubt a guy who weighs 600 pounds bothers with annual physicals. House: Talk to the neighbors, search the house. Let's see what else Shamu's been up to besides eating. This conversation is over because I have officially run out of clever things to call the guy. (Foreman and Chase in the room with our patient George.) [Foreman attempts to take George's blood pressure but has problems getting the strap around George's arm. Beta Comment: They did nice make-up on the actor, Pruitt Taylor Vince is a big guy but not that big.] Foreman: It's hard to believe you can even attach this much flesh to a human skeleton. Chase: I wouldn't exactly call this attached. [He puts on a clip on another metal tab stuck to George's skin on his chest.] This is ridiculous, a person shouldn't be able to eat themselves into oblivion and then just expect everyone to pull out the stops to fix everything. Foreman: What are we supposed to do? Refuse treatment to anyone who's obese? Chase: Come on give me a break; this guy isn't obese, he's not even morbidly obese. He's suicidal. Foreman: Well people who attempt su1c1de get treated. Chase: But yet non-compliant diabetics don't. We don't give drug addicts dialysis or alcoholics liver transplants. Foreman: What is your problem? You get bat up by a gng of fat kids when you were in grade school or something? Chase: Yeah, I'm the one with the problem (Cameron enters George's apartment accompanied by his neighbor Sophie.) Sophie: So umm, I think his bedroom's through there and kitchen's to the left. Cameron: Have you seen any changes in his personality? Any trouble with memory or balance? Sophie: No, but I really don't see him that often. He's not unfriendly or anything, I guess he just likes to keep to himself. I think he only gave me a spare set of keys 'coz I gave him mine. [Cameron checks out the apartment - it's quite neat, shelves of books, a piano, little drums and a saxophone on an armchair.] Sophie: What? Cameron: Nothing, just reminds me of someone I know; who is unfriendly. Does George have a job? Sophie: He has a head-hunting business he runs from home. Occasionally he'll interview people here but he does most of it over the phone. [They enter the kitchen which is very well appointed with very well-stocked fridges.] Cameron: Wow! Sophie: Yeah, he loves to cook, and eat. Obviously. Four course gourmet meals almost every night, sometimes for lunch too. Cameron: Do you know if he ever uses any unpasteurized cheese or wild game? Sophie: I'm not sure. He gets all his groceries delivered from that market down on Alden, they probably know. [They enter the bedroom with the chunk of wall missing and blocked off.] Cameron: He have any friends? Sophie: No. I mean, sometimes women do come by. Young, attractive, never the same one twice if you know what I mean. Cameron: I see. Sophie: There can't be many women who'd want to be with a guy like him. (Back at the hospital, House is doing his clinic duty.) Patient: It's usually worse in the morning. Especially if I've slept on my arm. [He's massaging his shoulder as he talks to House.] If I sleep on my back or you know, with my arms out, I'm usually ok. House: So your arm only hurts after you lie on top of it all night. Patient: Yeah. House: Hmm. Well have you thought about, I don't know, not doing that? Patient: Yeah, but it's how I sleep. Its how I've always slept. House: Well there's always surgery. Patient: To do what? Like clean out some cartilage or something? House: You're not sleeping on some cartilage; you're sleeping on your arm. Patient: You wanna remove my arm? House: Well it is your left, a guy's gotta sleep. Patient: Are you insane?! [House returns a confused look.] [The patient storms out of the exam room, Tritter watches from the nurse's station as House walks out of the exam room whistling.] Tritter: I see spending a night in jail hasn't humbled you a bit. House: While following my every move is flattering, a single rose on my doorstep each morning would be more enticing. Tritter: Just bringing your boss up to speed which I guess you didn't feel was necessary. [He takes out some more gum and puts it in his mouth.] House: You going to add that to my list of charges? [He takes out a vicodin and swallows it.] Tritter: People who are innocent tend not to try to hide their arrest. House: Is that based on your years of experience arresting innocent people? The way you're going at that gum, it's obviously not having the desired effect. You're the addict; you're going to be back at the butts in a month. You're just taking out your frustration on me because my meds actually work. Why don't you quit while you're ahead before you end up as a security guard working the night shift at some strip mall? Tritter: I think working around a bunch of nurses has given you a false sense of your ability to intimidate. [He walks out of the clinic while House glares daggers at his back. Foreman and Cameron walk in to find House.] Cameron: Who's that? House: Apparently Cuddy's widened her sperm donor search to include Neanderthals. Foreman: Cuddy's looking for a sperm donor? House: It's a joke. Like Cuddy would ever want a kid. Or a kid would ever want Cuddy. Hello, that's why it's funny! Why are you guys here? Foreman: It's not Pickwicks. Intubation and steroids have had no effect. Except maybe to cause whatever it is to get worse; he's got a fever now. House: [He turns to Cameron.] What'd you find out? Cameron: That you and George have the same taste in home furnishings and women. House: Danish modern and Russian gymnasts? Cameron: Pianos and prosttute. We should do an LP, look for neurosyphilis. House: Its not syphilis. Cameron: How do you know? House: Because you get STDs from people you trust. People you don't feel you need to protect yourself from. Whatever he has is connected to his gut, not what's below it. MRI his brain; look for clots. Foreman: Weight limit on the MRI machine is 450 pounds. House: So do a CT. Foreman: Limit's 350. House: Then just start treatment. Foreman: We give him blood thinners and the coma's caused by a bleed instead of a clot we'd kll him. House: Either start treatment or start building a stronger MRI. Whatever you do, do it fast. The longer he stays in the coma, the less likely it is he'll ever wake up. (The Ducklings stand next to George's bed which has been wheeled in next to the MRI machine as they contemplate their next move. George is very obviously too big to fit into the MRI.) Foreman: There's no way. Cameron: His head's the only part that we have to get in the machine. We can just get him on the table. Foreman: We get him on the table, we break the table. We break the table, hospital's out of a million dollars and we're out of our jobs. Cameron: The weight limit's obviously just an estimation. It's not like it can hold 450 pounds fine and then collapse under 451. Chase: He's not 1 pound over, he's 150 pounds over. Cameron: I don't care; he still deserves the same standard of care as anyone else. Foreman: And you believe the machine will stand on principle? [Cameron steps forward and tries to futilely push George on to the table.] Cameron: You guys going to help or not? (Next scene, the Ducklings and 6 nurses are crowded around George still trying to lift him on to the table.) Brenda: How much does this guy weigh? Cameron: 440. Brenda: Looks like a lot more than that. Cameron: Its 'coz he's lying down. [Foreman lifts an eyebrow.] You guys ready? 1, 2, 3. [Everyone groans as they finally lift George on to the MRI table. The table creaks and makes suspicious noises for a moment and everyone looks around warily hoping the table won't break.] (Scene cuts to House napping in the comfortable chair in his office with his feet up on the ottoman, there's the sound of paper rustling which wakes him up.) Cuddy: Here. [She hands him a piece of paper.] House: What's this? Cuddy: [Shifting House's feet so she can sit down next to them.] I made some calls for you. The guy's the best criminal attorney in Princeton. House: Thanks but I don't need it. I assume you told Inspector Clouseau that I have a valid prescription for the vicodin? Cuddy: Yeah, and I assume you did as well; did it make a difference? The guy's pissed, and with the DEA now treating pain doctors like Columbian-- House: I'm not a pain doctor, I'm a pain patient. Cuddy: Tell it to your lawyer. [She leaves. House crumples up the paper and throws it at his wastepaper bin and misses.] (Back to the MRI, George now has his head stuck in it and the Ducklings are in the little glass office watching as the results of the scan come up on the computer.) Foreman: No midline shifts, no bleeds, clots, infarcts. Cameron: Haven't seen any edema either. Chase: So what do we do now? Cameron: An LP, even if it's not an STD a fever points toward some sort of infection. Chase: I'm not sure we can do an LP on a guy his size. [Foreman and Cameron share a look as if to say there goes Chase about fat people again.] Chase: What? You have to be able to palpate the spine to go know where to go. [Foreman gives a conceding look.] Cameron: We could use fluoroscopy to guide us. Chase: He still wouldn't be able to bring his knees up and bend forward in order to open a space between-- [There is a sudden muffled sound. The Ducklings turn to look at the screen - George is awake and struggling to say something. He pulls he respirator out of his mouth and starts physically struggling to get out. Foreman rushes out to the machine while Cameron tries to reassure him through the microphone.] Cameron: George it's alright, you're in a hospital. Foreman: Calm down man, calm down! Get him out already! [Cameron rushes out too leaving Chase to stop the machine from the computer.] Chase: I'm trying. [Cameron and Foreman trying to hold George still but the patient's struggling finally breaks the MRI table.] Cameron: Gonna get you out! [Chase finally runs out and the Ducklings finally pull the table out of the machine. George is still screaming as he slides out, looking around in shock.] (In the conference room later, House is pacing as he listens to the Ducklings. Chase is sitting in a chair reading something still looking disinterested.) Cameron: We still have no idea why he was in a coma to begin with. Foreman: Or why he woke up. Chase: It was probably just some sort of head trauma and we missed the swelling because, well, his head's already swollen. House: Bump on the noggin doesn't explain the fever. Cameron: An infection made worse by the steroids we gave him for Pickwicks does. Chase: He's not worse, he's better. [Cuddy bursts into the office.] Cuddy: We just replaced the last MRI you broke. House: Referring to the fund-raising funbags by the royal 'We' now? Cuddy: Let me explain cause and effect to you. House: I specifically told them to skip the boring testing part and jump right to the dangerous treatment. Cuddy: You blow stuff up, makes my life miserable. Makes me need to make your life miserable. Cameron: He's telling the truth. [Everyone looks up at Cameron.] House: [Shrugs.] Kids these days - got no respect for other people's property. Cameron: Repairmen cost less than lawyers. Morbid obesity is a legally defined disability [Chase rolls his eyes.] which means if we denied access to the MRI, he could have sued us for discrimination as well as malpractice. Cuddy: This was your idea? Cameron: Yeah. [Cuddy exchanges a look with House, makes a sound that indicates she's unimpressed, and walks back out.] House: Looks like Cameron is going to be having a lot more ideas in future. Who knew that being bloated and bitchy could actually come in handy? Cameron: Shut up. Foreman: What if it is hormones? Cameron: Its not hormones. Foreman: I'm talking about George. Acute adrenal insufficiency could cause a temporary coma. Chase: A glandular problem would cause his temperature to be low, not high. Foreman: Maybe the fever's not related. Chase: If the fever's not related there's nothing to talk about. Foreman: We should do an ACTH stimulation test and check his skin for acanthosis nigricans. Cameron: Or the fever is related and so are the prosttute. We should a full STD panel and check his genitals for Schankers. Chase: We should do nothing. Just keep him a couple of days for observation, if he doesn't get any worse it was probably just a hematoma that dissipated on its own. House: Or we do all of the above. [Points his cane at Foreman.] You check his belly for patches. [Points at Cameron.] You check underneath for sores. And you [Chase looks up.] just sit on your ass. [Chase looks nonplussed, Foreman and Cameron walk out of the office.] (Next scene, Foreman is checking George's belly for patches.) Foreman: Acanthosis nigricans is a hyper-pigmentation of the skin, usually indicates some sort of hormonal imbalance. George: There's nothing wrong with my hormones. It's the first thing every doctor I've ever gone to has checked. Then it's the blood pressure, then it's gotta be diabetes. They all figure there's gotta be something wrong with me. [Cameron is doing other tests on George on the other side of the bed.] Foreman: You having any problems with your vision? George: [His eyes keep moving by themselves every few seconds, twitching slightly.] No, I have nystagmus, I've had it since birth I'm fine. Cameron: You're not fine, you were in a coma for 2 days, there's something wrong with you. George: Was something wrong with me, now I'm better now I'd like to go home. Foreman: A coma's not like a stomach ache; you can't just shrug it off and hope it's not anything serious. George: My company places a lot of insurance executives. There are over 300,000 deaths caused each year by medical mistakes and hospital associated infections. I'll come in for tests-- Foreman: There are over 400,000 deaths caused by obesity-related illnesses. George: CDC says those figures are a gross overestimation. Foreman: George, you ever notice you don't see a lot of obese old men? George: If I'm going to have a heart attck, I would rather it be caused by a perfect pan-roasted Ris de Veau [Beta Comment: That's veal sweetbreads for the gourmet challenged.] than running 26 miles for no reason other than to brag that I can do it or to have an MRI machine break in the middle of a procedure! Cameron: We're sorry about that, it was the only way to rule out a stroke or brain hemorrhage. George: And now that you have, when can I go? [Cameron looks over at Foreman worriedly; he just lifts an eyebrow in return.] (Next scene, Wilson is seated at a nurse's station eating some salad while looking over some papers. House comes and sits next to him.) House: It's probably her mom, I bet she's huge. She's from the Midwest. [Looks at the salad.] Since when did you eat beets? Wilson: Since I was 5? And who are we talking about? You know, just in case you need me to chime in and tell you you're a lunatic at some point. House: [Picks a cherry tomato from the salad and pops it into his mouth.] Cameron. She's lying, destroying hospital equipment, telling Cuddy off, gotta find out where she got the Fat Scratch fever. Wilson: Yeah you definitely better get to the bottom of that. I heard Cuddy gave you the name of a lawyer. House: Or it could just be pity, she feels guilty about being born beautiful so she overcompensates by being nice to ugly people. Would explain why she gets along so well with you. Wilson: From what I hear the patient reminds her of you, not me. Call the lawyer. House: Cameron sees a clump of dirt and she thinks of me. Wilson: Or a lump of something else, you're a lunatic, call the lawyer. [House picks out another cherry tomato and this time deliberately bites on it so that the juices are squirted on to Wilson's lab coat.] Wilson: Very mature. House: You started it. [Foreman and Cameron walk up to them as Wilson takes out a tissue and wipes at the stain.] Foreman: Skin exam and ACTH stimulation test were both normal. He has nystagmus, but it's congenital; no way it's related to the coma. [He hands House a sheet of the results.] House: You say no way I say... yeah, no way. Cameron: Blood and urine were negative for Chlamydia, Herpes and Syphilis. House: [In his Southern accent.] Looks like we got ourselves a mystery. Foreman: Not for long, he wants to be discharged. House: Oh sure. Places to go, people to eat. Cameron: He insisted chance of dying from hospital acquired infection is greater than him dying from whatever caused his coma. House: Did you tell him that statistics also say he's a big fat idiot? Foreman: Yeah I did. Cameron: He's not backing down. He says if we don't discharge him he'll leave AMA (Against Medical Advice). Wilson: Selectively rational? Stubborn? Uncooperative? Maybe you ought to check his leg. House: [Bursts out in sudden mocking laughter.] You see what he did there? The patient's like me, the patient's three me's. If I were him-- [House suddenly gets a thoughtful look.] Maybe it's not such a mystery after all. (George is eating away at a meal placed in front of him on the bed when House steps into the room.) House: Enjoying your Salisbury steak? George: Putting chopped parsley on a hamburger does not a Salisbury steak make. You must be doctor House. House: And you must be full of baloney. A lot of it. George: [Laughs.] Right, fat joke, always fun. Only people you can still make fun of. House: And Christians. Oh and black people. No one in their right mind comes out of a coma and immediately asks to go home with an unknown condition which means that either you're not in your right mind or it's not an unknown condition. So what is it? You tried to off yourself? George: You figure, I'm fat therefore I hate myself. House: That's a huge leap of logic. George: I don't wanna die; I just don't wanna be here. House: Then it's a condition you've already had diagnosed or its something you know you've inherited. Let's see your stomach has the deep-seated feelings of abandonment written all over it which points towards sexual abuse. Well a fear of hospitals; that points to a more specific traumatic event so I'm going to say-- [Takes a deep breath.] your mom, in the hospital with a candlestick. And by candlestick of course, I mean inherited OTC deficiency. George: My parents are both alive and well and living in Boca Raton. House: Thyrotoxic periodic paralysis? George: I have no idea what that is. House: Leukoencephalopathy? George: [Angrily throws his cutlery on to the tray.] Will you stop? If I knew what was wrong, I would tell you. I'm not an imbecile, and I'm not miserable. I'm just overweight. House: [Mobile rings, he picks up.] What? When? [He puts it down.] To be continued. (Back at House's apartment - he enters to find that it has been thoroughly searched through and there's stuff thrown around everywhere. Tritter is standing in the doorway of the bathroom.) House: What are you doing here? Tritter: Executing a search of the premises. [Some cops appear and put a couple more vicodin bottles into an evidence bag that is completely filled with what looks like a hundred or so vicodin bottles.] Tritter: When you err... when you got bailed out, before we could get a judge to approve this [He holds up a search warrant and takes the evidence bag.] I almost didn't bother. I thought for sure you'd come straight home and throw everything out. Rookie mistake; never underestimate the stupidity of an addict. There's got to be over 600 vicodin in here which most DA's would say proves intent to traffic. Even if all you'd really intended was simply to be wasted 24/7 while practicing medicine. House: In case you hadn't noticed, those are prescription bottles. Now I'm not an expert on linguistics per se but I think that means they were prescribed. [He picks up a guitar lying on the floor and puts it back into its proper case.] Tritter: [Shakes the evidence bag and listens to the pills rattle in the bottles.] All these were legally prescribed to a man who's in constant pain but never misses a day at work? House: Ever occurred to you that's why I don't miss a day? Tritter: Yeah, yeah, crossed my mind. Among other things like what an unprofessional, unethical, arrogant ass you are. Because if you're unprofessional in one area it only makes sense. [Dramatic music suddenly starts up in the background and House's expression grows wary.] Tritter: Now maybe just a few of these are in someone else's name. Forged prescription. Just swiped from the pharmacy when nobody's looking. [He steps closer to House with a smug expression on his face.] You wouldn't do that, right? (Next day, House is talking to Cameron even as he keeps opening doors searching for something or someone during their conversation.) House: Send him home. Cameron: Why, you think he's healthy? House: Either I'm right and he knows what's wrong, he's just too stubborn to admit it or I was right and its Pickwicks. Treatment just had a delayed effect. Cameron: You don't have delayed effects to oxygen. And Pickwicks doesn't explain the fever. House: Being engulfed in an electric blanket of blubber could explain the fever. Cameron: Yesterday you insisted on keeping him here because of the fever, we have no idea what's wrong with the guy. For all we know he could be dad in 12 hours. House: He does not want our help, which means he doesn't want your help. Cameron: He's obviously just rationalizing and so are you! You would never give up this easy if you weren't so busy dealing with your own personal problems. House: [Finally spots Wilson at the vending machines.] Send him home. [Turns away and approaches Wilson.] What'd you tell that cop? Wilson: Nothing. House: Nothing as in nothing; or as in nothing to cause him to think that I have a stash in my apartment? Wilson: He called to see if I prescribed the pills, I said yes, that's all. House: Obviously not. Wilson: What happened? House: He searched my house, found a butt load of pills. [Wilson sighs.] A guy's gotta be prepared for a rainy day. Wilson: Last I checked pharmacies are still open when it rained. House: And because I never know when you're going to be in one of your moods and cut me off. Wilson: Oh, it's my fault. House: I'm not the one who talked to the cop. Wilson: Well I'm not the one who put a thermometer in his rectum. So stop yelling at me and start talking to your lawyer. (Lift doors open - George comes out in a wheelchair assisted by a nurse and Cameron. They start across the lobby towards the entrance of the hospital.) Cameron: Is there someone who can check on you? George: Oh don't worry, there's going to be a whole crew of carpenters in my bedroom for the next week at least. Cameron: You know there's an Overeaters Anonymous meeting here at the hospital. George: If I wanted to jump out of airplanes or climb Mt. Everest would you be telling me to go to Daredevils Anonymous? Cameron: I would be worried about you just like I am now. George: Don't be. I enjoy food. I like cooking it, I like looking at it, I like smelling it and I especially like eating it. Whatever happens is going to happen. Ultimately it's all out of our control anyway. [The wheelchair stops a few metres away from the entrance.] Cameron: Why doesn't that philosophy apply to medical mistakes and hospital acquired infections as well? George: [He smiles softly.] I'm a complicated man, Doctor Cameron. But don't worry; I plan on staying that way for a long time. [He tries to get up out of the wheelchair.] Cameron: Wait; let us take you all the way outside. George: I'm fine. Cameron: Doesn't matter, its hospital rules. George: Oh screw the rules, I've been on my back for 4 days, I need the exercise right? Cameron: George, come on; let us just take you to the taxi. George: Don't worry, I may not be able to climb Everest but I can walk, okay? Cameron: George-- George: No, enough already. [He stands up and starts to walk but after a few steps starts looking around dazedly.] Cameron: George are you alright? George you alright? George? [She runs to grab him but he loses balance and falls backward into a huge pane of glass, she falls on top of him.] (Outside George's room, House, Foreman and Cameron discuss the case. Cameron is nursing a couple of scratches she got from the glass.) Foreman: Disorientation and loss of balance could mean a neurofibromatosis. House: Where's Chase? Cameron: Dunno. Haven't seen him since you told him to sit on his ass yesterday. House: Interesting. NF-2 is also inherited which means I was right. Foreman: Kept saying it was Pickwicks. House: Between the first Pickwicks and the second Pickwicks, I said it was inherited. [Brenda is coming out of George's room and House rather abruptly grabs the patient file from her.] Cameron: Whatever, NF-2 doesn't explain fever. I think we should focus on the coma and the fever. Foreman: Why? The disorientation and loss of balance are more recent. Cameron: The coma was the most severe symptom. Foreman: But he's not in a coma anymore and he is disoriented. Cameron: No, he's not. House: We have a rather large piece of tempered glass that begs to differ. Cameron: I just mean it's not connected. Foreman: You don't know that. Cameron: Yeah I do. Foreman: How could you possibly know-- Cameron: Because I did it. I didn't think he should be discharged so I gave him 3 grams of phenytoin. [Foreman and House look shocked.] I wasn't going to just let him leave. Foreman: But you were ok with him crashing through a glass wall? Cameron: I tried to keep him in the wheelchair but he's tough to stop. House: Nice audible, Peyton. Foreman: So what do we do now? House: Discharge report says he didn't eat his breakfast. Humpty Dumpty didn't get to be the size of all the King's horses by skipping the most important meal of the day. What causes coma, fever and a loss of appetite? Cameron: It can't be Chagas'; he's never been outside the country. House: But his stomach has, the food we eat no longer comes from America's heartland, it comes from South America's deforested jungle land where lettuce now grows and lettuce pickers now poop. Get a sample of his CSF before the little bugs that are now feasting on his brain move on to dessert. Foreman: How are we going to do that? He's too big to do an LP. House: So go straight to the source. (Cameron talks to George in his room) George: You want to drill a hole in my head? Cameron: It's the only way. George: It's got to be something other than a parasite. I buy my produce at the best market in town and I always wash it. Cameron: Leafy vegetables can suck contaminated water through their roots right into the plant. You could have washed them in chlorine and it still wouldn't have mattered. George: Then other people would be sick as well. Cameron: Parasites could have been on only a few items or maybe they just didn't eat as much as you did. George: It's always about my weight isn't it? Why can't you people come up with one theory-- Cameron: [Interrupting.] This one fits, George. It explains your coma, your fever, your loss of appetite. George: And the disorientation? Cameron: It's all explained, and if we don't treat it while it's still in the acute stage, it'll be too late. It could go on to infect your heart, intestines, esophagus. George: This is what I get for eating salad. [Cameron smiles.] (Operating room - they drill a hole in to get a sample of the CSF. Foreman seems to be the one handling the procedure while Cameron stands off to the side waiting to get the sample to test it) Foreman: Suction. Nurse: Suction. Foreman: Aspirator. [Hands the sample to Cameron.] Your turn. Irrigation. Sponge. George: What... what'd you do? Foreman: Nothing, why, what's wrong? George: I can't... I can't see! Foreman: Vision's blurry or you've lost it? George: I didn't lose it, you took it from me. Cameron: George, calm down! George: I can't see!! [There's a lot of confusion as the doctors and nurses try to keep George calm and hold him down while George gets increasingly worked up, screaming at them and thrashing around.] George: What'd you do to me?! (Foreman and Cameron are speaking to House in his office - House is looking for something in his desk as the conversation goes on.) Foreman: There's no inflammation in the optic nerve and his retina's intact. The blindness has to have been caused by something in his brain. Cameron: And not surprisingly there was no sign of Chagas or any other parasites in his CSF. House: So we've ruled out his parents, prosttute, the arugula - means either-- Foreman: I took the sample from the pre-frontal, I was never anywhere near his visual cortex. House: Or you missed a tumor on the MRI. Foreman: Not a chance, the MRI was clean. House: [House finally seems to have found his wallet.] Mind? [Foreman steps out of his way.] Foreman: Where are you going? House: To get a 400 dollar butt plug. Cameron: What about George? House: He's going to have to get his own. Come on; let's see if we can get this thing figured out by the time we get to the elevator. [They exit the office and start walking towards the lifts.] Foreman: It could be MS; it'd explain the coma, the blindness, loss of balance and the fever. Cameron: It could also explain his lack of concern for his health. MS can cause excessive cheerfulness. House: Yeah, he's a delight. You don't get to MS with coma as the first symptom, blindness plus coma says diabetes. [He presses the button to call the lift with his cane.] Just in time. Cameron: No, blood sugar and urine dipstick and hemoglobin A1C are normal. House: Were normal when you tested it. He's been in and out of a coma, whatever's going on is waxing and waning, unlike his pant size which only waxes. Which also points to diabetes. Test him again, this time add a glucose tolerance test and a HEC. [The lift arrives.] Foreman: We already have a CSF sample; we might as well check it for proteins and rule out MS first. House: [Steps in and pushes the button for the floor he wants.] Agreed; except for the part about doing it first. Cameron: [Stopping the doors from closing.] Where are you going? House: The butt plug was my way of saying mind your own business; apparently too subtle. (Cameron in George's room trying to persuade him to drink something.) Cameron: George, all it is, is sugar water, I promise. George: Just because I'm overweight doesn't make me diabetic, you tested me, everybody's tested me. [He sounds very upset and very snappy.] Cameron: Sometimes the blood sugar levels can fluctuate, make it difficult to diagnose. George: You stuck a needle in my brain and 10 seconds later I was blind! How's that difficult to diagnose?! Who the hell knows what else you guys done to me? I should have never come here! Cameron: You didn't come here, you were brought here because you were in a coma and barely alive! We didn't do that to you. You need to let us figure out what did. [She tries to get him to hold the cup of sugar water but he throws it away.] Cameron: For someone who insists he enjoys life as much as you do, you certainly don't seem willing to do much to prolong it. George: Yeah, because I don't agree with the brilliant doctors suddenly I'm suicidal. Cameron: Refusing to cooperate with us does not make you suicidal, it makes you an idiot. You think we want to see you blind or in a coma? [She tries to make him hold a new cup but he throws that away as well.] George: I've been fat all my life. I've only been sick for the past few days. You look for a disease that has nothing to do with my size and I will help you. Otherwise, leave me alone. (House is in his lawyer's office.) Lawyer: Speeding. [House taps a gavel on to a spot below his knee to induce a reflex knee jerk.] DUI. [House continues tapping after every charge is read out.] Reckless driving, resisting arrest, possession of a class 3 narcotic and now it looks like they've added another possession with intent to traffic charge as well. They found some pills at your house. House: All of which I had a prescription for. Lawyer: That's a lot of pills. House: I'm in a lot of pain. This is all because some cop came into the clinic, I was rude to him. This is his way of getting back at me. Lawyer: You've made it pretty easy. House: His insane reaction to a simple rectal thermometer reading, [He gets a chuckle out of the lawyer.] probably says a lot more about his mother than it says about me. Lawyer: I'm inclined to think your particular charm may not be immediately appreciated by a jury. House: I'm not interested in a plea bargain. Lawyer: It's your best bet to make this go away. House: There is no "this", there's a him; the only thing I'm guilty of is humiliating a bully. I wasn't speeding, I wasn't impaired, I didn't resist and I certainly wasn't distributing narcotics to anyone but myself because I need those narcotics. Lawyer: [Nods.] 5 grand retainer, if we end up going to trial there'll be another 32 before the first day. My hourly is 450. That work for you? [House looks rather resigned.] (House walks into the conference room where Cameron and Foreman are waiting.) Cameron: What did your lawyer say? [House looks surprised.] I looked up butt plug in a legal dictionary, what'd he say? House: That a smile like mine can't lose. [He then pulls a funny face and flashes it at both of them.] What did the test say? Foreman: You're right about MS, no myelin basic proteins in his CSF. House: What about diabetes? Cameron: Don't know, says we think only think its diabetes because of his weight, won't let us test him. [House rolls his eyes and sighs. He walks out followed by his 2 Ducklings back to George's room.] [House signals the cleaner in the room to get out and leave them alone with George.] House: So, you would rather be a blind invalid than admit the fact that maybe you might have a little problem with overeating? And by a little problem of course, I mean you've eaten yourself half to death. George: And you would rather let me die than consider the fact that whatever is wrong with me has nothing to do with my weight. House: I go where the symptoms tell me to go. Right now they're asking why this stuff is the first thing you've ever refused to swallow. [He picks up a bottle of juice and tries to put it into George's hand. George jerks his hand away.] George: I am not diabetic! House: Grocery stores giving away medical degrees with the free turkeys now? The sooner you drink this, the sooner I get to go waste my time with something else. [He tries to put it near George's mouth.] George: [Pushes House away.] Get the hell off of me! House: No dessert 'til you've finished your dinner. [He pushes the bottle back at George and they both struggle with the bottle and end up splashing loads of juice all over George.] Cameron: George, just drink it! George: Nurse! Get this jackass off of me! Brenda: What the hell is going on? [She rushes in but is stopped by Foreman from interfering.] House: Just trying to force a horse to-- [He suddenly notices something about George's grip and lets go. He looks at George's fingers and the light of realization comes into his eyes. He grabs his cane, puts the bottle of juice back down and walks out of the room, ducklings in tow.] Foreman: What's going on? [They walk back to the office.] House: Get x-rays of his hands, then bronc him do a sputum cytology and check his CSF for anti-Hu antibodies. Cameron: How are we going to get him to do all that when we can't even get him to drink a bottle of sugar water? House: Tell him that lung cancer is in no way connected to obesity. Foreman: Err... you don't think he'll realize we're lying? House: We're not; lung cancer's got nothing to do with-- Foreman: I meant about him having lung cancer. House: You didn't notice his fingers? Foreman: [Shrugs.] I noticed they were fat? House: Should have pissed him off. He would have grabbed you and you would have felt the bones, they're not just fat, they're clubbed. (A sht of Cameron taking an x-ray of George's hand, we see Foreman and Cameron looking unhappily at the x-rays of the clubbed hands. We then see a sht of Wilson performing a bronchoscopy on George.) (Next scene, Cameron goes into George's room alone that night.) Cameron: George? [He looks up but also looks confused since he can't see who it is.] It's me. Your tests were positive. You have a small cell lung carcinoma; caused a paraneoplastic neurologic syndrome which in turn caused your blindness and coma. The cancer's metastasized to your lymph nodes. It's inoperable but there are radiation treatments available. [George is starting to take shaky breaths as the news is delivered.] They might give you a few more months. George: I never smoked. [Sighs.] C'est la vie. [This is French and translates to "This is life". She leaves him as he lies there resigned to his fate.] (House in his office fiddling around, Cameron stands next to the open door.) Cameron: You were right. House: So was he. Cameron: He said, c'est la vie. [She walks into the room and starts playing with the BOUO (ball of unknown origins - the oversized tennis ball).] House: He's a complicated man. Cameron: What about you? What are you going to do about your problem? House: Nothing. I just got a call from my lawyer, he gave the DA copies of my prescriptions. As soon as they confirm that it's bona fide, they're going to drop the possession, DUI and resisting arrest. As soon as I pay my 85 dollars speeding ticket and impound fine, I get my bike back. Cameron: I guess that's good. House: You guess? Cameron: No, it's good. You get to keep going like you always have. House: Alright, I give up, who was it? Who in your family had the weight problem? Cameron: You think I can only care about a patient if I know someone else who's been through the same thing? House: You care for everybody. You only lie and stand up to Cuddy for a few. Cameron: You lie for everybody and only care about a few. House: You're avoiding the question. Cameron: I like damaged people, remember? Explains everything I do. House: Almost everything. [Cameron grins.] Wasn't you, was it? Cameron: Does it matter? House: Nope, but it'd be interesting. Cameron: Sorry to disappoint you, sometimes the answers just aren't that simple. [She leaves.] (Wilson is being interviewed by Tritter in his hotel room.) Wilson: I know he can be a real ass and he has no problem lying when it serves him but he's not lying about the pain. He needs the medication which is why I prescribed it. All of it. Tritter: Well I see a lot of cases where people who have real injuries end up getting addicted. [Wilson nods.] And then well, things kinda spiral out of control. And lives get ruined and not just their own. Wilson: [He runs his fingers through his hair.] Err... I don't know what else to tell you. Tritter: [Drags an end table to sit closer to Wilson by the desk. He takes some more prescriptions out of the file he's holding and hands them to Wilson.] What about these? Wilson: [Without looking.] This is getting... if it's got my name on it, it's a legit script. Tritter: You sure? Wilson: Yeah. Tritter: Because the signatures on these look a little different than the signatures on those. [Wilson takes a look and a slight look of alarm crosses his face for a moment but he hides it well. Wilson's normal scripts are signed with a squiggle like what most signatures look like. There is one however which is signed "James Wilson" in clearer letters and with obviously different handwriting. This must be the one House forged back in 3.01 - Meaning at the end of the episode.] Tritter: You look surprised. Wilson: No I'm just... I hadn't thought about it, I do sign my name differently sometimes. [Tritter is about to laugh derisively at that but Wilson's expression remains honest and innocent.] Tritter: Are you sure? Wilson: Yeah, I guess I get bored signing it the same way, you know what they say about doctor's handwriting. Tritter: I'm going to give you a moment to reconsider that answer because if you're for some reason mistaken we will find out and that will not be good for you, or Doctor House. Wilson: [Nods.] I am sure. Absolutely. Tritter: Alright. I guess that's it then. [Wilson stands up and tucks his chair in. Tritter also stands and they shake hands.] Tritter: Thank you for your help. Wilson: Ok, no problem. [Tritter leaves the room and Wilson turns back to the desk looking very dejected and stressed.] (Last sht is off House playing his guitar in his apartment alone.)	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x06 - Que Ser\u00e0 Ser\u00e0"}	foreverdreaming
[In the "Vegetable Ward"; the camera pans over the sleeping or comatose or vegetative patients, some with respirators attached, and stops at the last bed, which belongs to Gabe, a guy who's in a vegetative state. Oh, and House is there, watching his little TV, and having lunch. Thankfully, the lunch is placed on an empty bed (not on another helpless patient). House is watching "Blind Date". Wilson enters. House looks up from his TV. Wilson does not look pleased at House. Hmm, wonder why?] WILSON: What're you doing down here? Thought you usually have lunch with Coma Guy. HOUSE: [Mouth full, wiping his hands.] This is Vegetative-state Guy. Better company. [To Gabe.] Hey, hey, tell him about those Sherpa's you dropped acid with in St. Patrick's Cathedral. WILSON: [Upset, loud.] You stole my prescription pad and you forged my name! HOUSE: [bat, then serious.] What'd you tell the cop? WILSON: I lied! He'd have put you away for ten years; after they took your license to practice medicine. HOUSE: [Shrugs.] So, everything's good then. WILSON: [Gesturing wildly.] I lied! To the cops! HOUSE: There is no case unless they can prove that either I got the drugs illegally or I sold them illegally. I didn't do the second, you lied about the first. Game over. WILSON: Yeah, Tritter's just playing. He's gonna see how clever you are and then just walk away. HOUSE: Important thing is you keep prescribing the same amount of drugs to me. Or it'll look suspicious. WILSON: Here's another way to look at it. Having forced me to lie to the police, your first concern is securing your "drug-connection"! [The door opens; a 22-year-old guy, Kyle, walks in, backpack slung over his shoulder. He doesn't seem surprised to see House there.] KYLE: Joining my father for lunch. I should have called ahead for a table. WILSON: Dr. House was just-- KYLE: Enjoying a Reuben. It's okay. After ten years, anything that'll get doctors in the same room is... [While Kyle speaks, House starts putting the room light on and off in quick succession. Wilson and Kyle seem confused.] WILSON: What're you doing? HOUSE: Nothing. What're you doing? [Wilson looks at Kyle, who looks equally bewildered. House picks up a packet of Lays.] HOUSE: Chips? [He tosses it at Kyle, who doesn't move, causing the packet to ht him in the face. Wilson looks a bit interested.] HOUSE: Wanna see something really cool? [Kyle doesn't answer. House gets up, picking up his cane. And just like that, he DISAPPEARS! Poof, into thin air. Kyle looks around for House, in fear. House appears directly in front of him, just as suddenly as he disappeared, giving Kyle a start.] HOUSE: I saw you leaving last Tuesday; practically tripped over two guys on your way out. But you had no problem opening doors. It's called Akinetopsia. You can't see things when they move. And since you haven't been ht by a bus, I assume it's intermittent. Probably accompanied by seizures, which made me think that I can set one off by flashing a... [As if on cue, Kyle crumples to the floor and starts seizing violently. House looks at Wilson, who hurriedly tries to sab Kyle.] HOUSE: God, I love this family! [He glances at the comatose Gabe and then back at Kyle.] HARD CUT TO: [Kyle's room. Cameron moves her finger slowly in front of Kyle's eyes. Kyle follows the finger with his eyes. Chase is also present in the room.] KYLE: [Smiling.] I can see fine now. [Cameron smiles back and picks up a clipboard.] KYLE: I've had seizures before. Most of the time, they're small. Doctors ran me through all the tests, couldn't find anything. CAMERON: Any history of epilepsy in your family? KYLE: The only things I know that run in my family are they have a lot of chutzpah and the ability to sleep for ten years. [He chuckles.] Although I'm not really an expert; Dad never really liked my mother's side of the family and, after she died and he came here, I was raised by a guardian. Wouldn't even know how to get in touch with him. CHASE: How about your father's side of the family? Any relatives we could speak with? [Chase starts putting a strap on Kyle's arm.] KYLE: My father was an only child and my grandparents are dad. CAMERON: Well, what did you put down as the person the hospital should contact in an emergency? KYLE: [Dismissively.] I-I left it blank. CAMERON: There's gotta be someone, a friend... KYLE: Plenty of friends, just... no one that would care if I was here. [Chase pats down on Kyle's right arm, looking for a vein.] KYLE: [To Chase.] Say, do you mind passing me my backpack? [Chase obliges, but as he picks up the backpack, the unmistakable sound of bottles hitting each other is heard. Chase and Cameron look at each other and then at Kyle. Kyle looks away, caught. Chase puts the backpack on the bed and opens it. He pulls out a wine bottle and gives Kyle an "Are you kidding me?" look.] KYLE: [Sheepishly.] Hair of the dog. [The Ducklings obviously don't buy it.] CUT TO: [Diagnostics office. House is going through a couple of papers, while the Ducklings report.] CAMERON: Could be infection. FOREMAN: Or brain tumor. CAMERON: Says he had a CT. CHASE: It's probably the simplest explanation. Trauma. CAMERON: He didn't report any injuries. CHASE: He didn't report being an alcoholic either. Drinking equals falling down equals trauma equals... HOUSE: Maybe it's inherited. FOREMAN: How did you jump to genetics? [Coming over to look at the papers.] From his EEG? All you got are some vaguely epileptic-formed waves. HOUSE: It's not his EEG. It's his father's. When it comes to cortical seizures, like father, like son. [He hands Foreman the EEG.] FOREMAN: Small seizures aren't unheard of in a patient in a vegetative state. HOUSE: Similarities are interesting though. CHASE: What caused the vegetative state? HOUSE: His house brned down; went back in to get his wife. Firefighters found him unconscious three feet from the bedroom, asphyxiated. FOREMAN: Not an inherited condition. HOUSE: Test his DNA. Start with adrenomyeloneuropathy. [The Ducklings start to leave.] HOUSE: [Over his shoulder.] Check out the home. [They leave and he goes over the EEGs again.] CUT TO: [PPTH Lab. Cameron and Foreman are conducting the tests. Chase (in street clothes) enters, obviously fulfilling this week's quota of HOBE (House-Ordered Breaking and Entering).] CHASE: He has a single bed. FOREMAN: [Snorts.] They still make single beds? CHASE: Could mean he just doesn't have sex, though there were condoms in the apartment. FOREMAN: House asked you to check out the home for toxins. CHASE: No mold, no leaks, no pets. [He moves out of the way as House enters.] CAMERON: MRI and LP are both inconclusive. Infection's still possible. Tumor's less likely than... HOUSE: DNA? FOREMAN: Adrenomyeloneuropathy test was negative. HOUSE: DNA test again. Try Unverricht-Lundborg and late-onset Lafora's. [Foreman throws his head back in exasperation. House turns to leave.] CHASE: [Protesting.] Genetic tests take forever. You can't just keep testing him for every inherited condition you think it might be. HOUSE: Well, not me. I'll be leaving early. But you guys can. [The Ducklings exchange a few glances and glare at House, as he leaves.] CUT TO: [Kyle's room. Cameron's taking hair samples from Kyle as Foreman speaks to him.] FOREMAN: You said no one's been sick, but what about delivery people, repair guy? KYLE: I wouldn't know. I work from home. I haven't been to the office in over a month. CAMERON: Visitors? KYLE: Haven't had any. [Cameron and Foreman exchange a look.] KYLE: Only person I've seen in the last week was the pizza delivery guy and he looked pretty healthy. CAMERON: There's gotta be someone you're close to. KYLE: Actually, the person I see most often is my father. He's asleep so he can't stop me. [Kyle starts shifting about, uncomfortably.] FOREMAN: What is it? KYLE: Just feeling a little nauseous. [Cameron opens his gown a bit, exposing his chest and stomach. There's some bruising on the stomach. She puts her hand on the bruise.] CAMERON: I think his liver's failing. KYLE: [Scared.] God; does-does that mean that I'm... [Cameron goes to get something, when Kyle suddenly starts to cough out blood. Foreman runs over to his side, to call a code.] FOREMAN: Need a central IV! Two units of packed red blood cells, type O-negative! HARD CUT TO: [Aerial sht of PPTH. Day.] CUT TO: [Diagnostics office. Chase and Cameron report to House.] CAMERON: He's unconscious and heading for a coma. He's at a four on the RLAS scale. [House, for once, doesn't seem to know what could be wrong with a patient.] HOUSE: Stop all treatment. CHASE: To see if this is a reaction to our meds? HOUSE: Well, they obviously aren't helping. Given the fact that he's an alcoholic, there's a good chance his liver wasn't so hot when he came in. Anti-seizure drugs, they just pushed him over the edge. [Foreman enters.] CAMERON: We take him off those meds, what do we put him on? HOUSE: I was hoping you'd know. FOREMAN: May be academic, I just started him on dialysis. CHASE: Kidney and liver failure; not too many people come back from that. CAMERON: Trauma's out of the picture. Could still be an infection. FOREMAN: Or neurological or... HOUSE: Genetic. [The Ducklings look at him, incredulously.] HOUSE: We need a better history. [He limps out quickly.] [PPTH dispensary. House is behind the counter, looking for a particular drug. The pharmacist sits idly by, as the Ducklings stand in front of the counter.] [Beta Comment: Because it is a good idea, when under investigation for drug use and drug trffick with intent, to start rifling through the hospital dispensary.] CHASE: Did you miss the part where the patient lost consciousness? [House finds what he's looking for and tosses the vial, from behind his back, to Foreman, who catches it.] FOREMAN: L-dopa?! CAMERON: You're not waking Kyle. You're waking his father. HOUSE: I commend your observational skills. [Holding two other vials, he starts to limp away. The Ducklings follow him.] CHASE: You have no reason to think any manner of drugs will wake a man from a coma. HOUSE: [Correcting.] Vegetative state. Much easier. This guy's no Terri Schiavo, his brain's all there, he moves around, muscles have barely atrophied, just waiting for a fairy-tale kiss. After I do that, stick a needle in him. [Back in the "Vegetable Ward", near Gabe's bed, House fills a syringe from one of the vials. The Ducklings watch, protesting.] FOREMAN: The amount of amphetamines alone will be dangerous. Besides whatever the hell else you got in there. [House picks up another vial and starts to fill it into the syringe.] HOUSE: There are reports out of South Africa about a pill that'd temporarily revive someone in a vegetative state. We've all seen Awakenings. It made me cry. I wanna cry. [House injects the syringe into Gabe's IV line. The door opens.] CUDDY: [Voice-only, pissed off.] Put the syringe down. [They turn around to see Cuddy, standing there.] HOUSE: [Chinese accent.] I can out draw you, mysterious stranger. CUDDY: [Mad as heck.] We don't experiment on helpless patients! HOUSE: Be reasonable. There's no way this is gonna work. CUDDY: Even if you woke him, it would only be for a few hours! A day! Two at the most! You're risking his life! HOUSE: I'm risking getting sued. That's the only objection here. CUDDY: You'll be torturing him and his family. HOUSE: Good news for Legal. Only family he's got is upstairs dying. [Cuddy rushes to take the syringe away, but House depresses the syringe's plunger, sending the cocktail into Gabe's bloodstream.] HOUSE: Whooaaaaaii! [House yanks out the needle and stands back, satisfied. Cuddy looks absolutely stunned. They look at Gabe. No movement. The Ducklings watch with trepidation.] CUDDY: [Voice trembling. Still mad.] I want this patient monitored for the next twenty-four hours. [Pointedly at House.] I want someone with him at all times, to make sure you didn't kll him! I want your ass in my office-- [She's interrupted by a grunt coming from a slowly awakening Gabe. The Ducklings are surprised. House is surprised. Pretty much everyone except the audience is surprised.] GABE: [As if he's only been sleeping a couple of hours.] God. I'm starving. [He sits up.] GABE: I could really go for a steak. [He looks around expectantly. House looks at him, smiling victoriously.] [Still in the "Vegetable Ward". Cuddy is examining Gabe, as House looks on.] CUDDY: Do you know your name? Know where you are? GABE: [Groggily.] Gabriel Wasniak. I don't know the name of this hospital. CUDDY: How much are three and five? GABE: [Smiling.] Eight. Also known as half of sixteen, quarter of thirty-two, two to the third power. [Beta Comment: I had a paramedic ask me something similar after getting knocked out during a sporting event, my response was "numbers".] [Cuddy looks at House, who is beaming.] HOUSE: [Smiling.] Coolest thing ever. Any history of seizure in your family? GABE: No. HOUSE: Liver disease? GABE: No. [To Cuddy.] How long have I been here? Got the feeling it's uh, been a long time. HOUSE: Interesting. Your internal clock kept ticking. How deep does that awareness go? Pick up scraps of conversations, do you have a vague sense that the hospital administrator dresses like a trollop? [Cuddy doesn't find that last question too flattering.] HOUSE: Or that the new Star Wars movies were a disappointment? GABE: [Pensive.] I know my wife is dad. I don't know how long it's been. [He looks questioningly at Cuddy.] CUDDY: [Empathically.] Ten years. [bat.] What's the last thing you remember? GABE: The fre. My wife was in the bedroom. She had taken a sleeping pill. I got Kyle out, went back in for her. I knew I didn't make it. CUDDY: Sorry. HOUSE: How 'bout your wife's side of the family? Any history of seizures there? CUDDY: Your son, Kyle, is a patient here. I'm afraid his condition is serious. He may be dying. [Gabe looks at Cuddy. Finally, he inhales sharply.] GABE: No seizure issues on my wife's side either. What about that steak? Nobody ever answered me. [PPTH lobby. House gets off the elevator. In the foreground, Wilson is signing a clipboard, held by a nurse. They walk together.] WILSON: Ahh! Rumor in the cafeteria was Caustic Guy was waking up Coma Guy. HOUSE: Technically, Vegetative State Guy was woken by... yeah, Caustic Guy. WILSON: So, what happened? HOUSE: Gotta get him a steak, before I can ask him anymore questions. WILSON: He doesn't wanna talk about his son? HOUSE: Didn't seem to emotionally register that his son is sick. WILSON: Brain issue? He was asphyxiated. Spent ten years as asparagus. Who knows what damage is in there? HOUSE: It's possible. 'Course always the simple explanation. Maybe he just doesn't like his son. WILSON: Only in your world would that be simple. HOUSE: The delusion that fathering a child installs a permanent geyser of unconditional love-- WILSON: Maybe your father's feelings were conditional, not everyone's-- HOUSE: Yes. Well, of course. That would play into your romantic vision of human... [Wilson stops walking. House turns around, after a few steps, to look at Wilson.] WILSON: Terms you would understand. We have an evolutionary incentive to sacrifice for our offspring, our tribe, our friends. Keep them safe. HOUSE: [Agrees, but...] Except for all the people who don't. Everything is conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions. [He limps away. Wilson gives up and leaves.] [PPTH corridors. Cameron walks down the corridor. She turns at a corner and is startled with a police badge is flashed in her face. Guess who's holding it - okay, it's Michael Tritter!] TRITTER: Mind if we talk for a few minutes? CUT TO: [PPTH office. Tritter "interrogates" a harried-looking Cameron.] TRITTER: How many pills would you say Dr. House takes a day? CAMERON: I'm uncomfortable saying a number. TRITTER: [He shrugs.] Try. CAMERON: Six. TRITTER: A day? [Cameron nods.] TRITTER: Has he ever had you, write prescriptions for him? CAMERON: No. What is it you want me to say? That he takes too many pills and is a danger to the hospital. Or he takes too few because he's selling them on the side. Either way, it's ridiculous. TRITTER: I meant the former. CAMERON: You're wrong. TRITTER: Can I ask what Dr. House has done to deserve your loyalty? He's not known as a great boss. He's not even much of a friend. Look how he left Dr. Wilson holding the bag. [This is news to Cameron. Tritter sees this.] TRITTER: [Smiling.] It's odd. You don't know about that. You defend him and he won't even tell you what's happening in his life. [Cameron's beeper goes off. She gets it.] [Kyle's room. Cameron comes running in. Kyle appears normal (for the moment). Chase and Foreman are sitting nearby, casually.] CAMERON: I was paged. CHASE: Saw you with the cop. What'd he want? [Cameron closes the door.] CAMERON: How many pills does House take? Did I ever write him a prescription? That sort of stuff. I told him six. FOREMAN: [Amused.] A day or in a mouthful? CAMERON: I was just hoping you guys would stay consistent. CHASE: He wants to talk to us too? CAMERON: You're next. CHASE: [Unsettled.] We've gotta tell House what's going on. CAMERON: Tritter says "no". FOREMAN: Then "no" it is. Cops have a thousand ways to make life difficult for you. [House slides open the door and pokes his head inside, they immediately look guilty and go silent.] HOUSE: Quick! What's the kid's status? Gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the Orgasmatron. [Beta Comment: House is a Woody Allen fan! That makes me smile.] [The Ducklings remain silent.] HOUSE: See, if that were rhetorical, it would mean I could just turn around and leave now, which I'm not doing. From which you should deduce... FOREMAN: Stopped all drugs except the antibiotics. His liver's just managing to hang in there. CHASE: He's still sliding into coma. [House looks grimly at the sleeping Kyle.] [Once again in the "Vegetable Ward". Gabe is looking at himself in a small mirror, seeing how old he's become, tugging at his double chin. He's wearing street clothes. House enters, carrying a tray with food on it.] GABE: Your barber sucks. [He stands up and shows House how much weight he's lost.] GABE: "Coma diet". I could make a fortune. HOUSE: "Vegetative State Diet". Who gave you your clothes? GABE: Dr. Cuddy. I guess I'll need all new ones anyway. Everything went in the fre. HOUSE: Don't worry about it. We use recyclable clothes now. Wear them once, then eat them. Your son's measles vaccination, d'you remember if he had it and what type it was? GABE: You're a piece of work, you know that? [House sighs.] GABE: You weren't gonna tell me, were ya? I don't need new clothes. Dr. Cuddy says my body will adjust to the drugs, and I'll be a vegetable again by tomorrow; if I'm really lucky, the day after. HOUSE: Yeah. GABE: If I got a day to live, I'm not gonna spend it in the hospital room, being grilled. [He picks up his coat and starts to leave.] HOUSE: C'mon, where you gonna go? House brned down, your wife's dad. Business is sold off. The only thing you have left is down the hall, heading for a liver biopsy. GABE: Used to be this little um, hole in the wall, run by a guy named Giancarlo. Made the best hoagies in the world. Real Italian rolls. Prosciutto, provolone, [He smacks his lips.] Mmm. How far is Atlantic City from here? HOUSE: You have one day to live and you want a sandwich. GABE: People on death row get a last meal. HOUSE: State provides it. Who's providing for you? You got a car? Money? GABE: [Smiling.] You're negotiating with me. [House smiles back.] [PPTH corridor. Wilson withdraws money from the ATM installed there. House walks up, carrying his backpack.] HOUSE: Take out another hundred, for me. And I need your car. WILSON: I'm not doing you any favors. HOUSE: You'll get it back tomorrow. Two days max. Road yrip. [Wilson looks at House and relents.] [PPTH parking lot. Gabe and House walk up to Wilson's car. Wilson is leaning on his car.] WILSON: This is like trying to control the weather, but I'd prefer if you didn't eat in the car. Just had it detailed. [He hands House his keys. Gabe opens the driver's side door.] GABE: I drive! WILSON: Oh, the hell he does! HOUSE: Sure! WILSON: Aside from the fact, he just woke up from a vegetative state; the guy doesn't have a license. HOUSE: How 'bout this? Cops stop us, we lie. You know how to do that. Chips! [He tosses the car keys across the roof of the car to Gabe, who catches it perfectly. Gabe gets in the driver's seat.] HOUSE: All the drugs pumping through his system right now, his reflexes are better than Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s. GABE: [From inside the car, holding an Ipod.] What's this? It says "Ipp-odd". WILSON: I'm coming. [He gets in the back, while House gets in the front passenger's seat. Gabe starts up the car and screeches out of the parking lot.] HOUSE: [V.O.] So, let's talk about toxic exposure. [Convenience Store. Outside, Wilson puts his white lab coat in the car trunk. Gabe and House are inside. Gabe is looking at candy that existed 10 years ago, but has undergone some changes. Namely M&M's.] GABE: What was wrong with the old colors? I trusted brown. Do the purple ones have chocolate inside? HOUSE: [Limping up.] Raspberry cocaine. This house that brned down. Where was it? GABE: Morristown, New Jersey. Listen, I really need to know about the candy, because I'm allergic to berries. HOUSE: You didn't mention that. GABE: Is it significant? HOUSE: No. So, where else did you live? List everywhere, including vacations. Start with when your wife got pregnant. GABE: We lived in Jersey. Then we moved to Jersey; from there, Jersey. What, are you waiting to hear about the little cottage in the Amazon, with the mosquitoes and the lead paint all over the walls? HOUSE: [Nodding.] Yes. GABE: You know what? I didn't let you come along so you could suck all the fun out of my one day of life. HOUSE: Well, you're out of luck, 'cause that's totally why I'm here. [Gabe turns around and looks at House.] GABE: Okay. Rule change. HOUSE: [Purses his lips.] Person with the money makes the rules. Or in this case, person who's friend's the person with the money, makes the rules. GABE: Well, you want answers more than I want money. Right, so, here's the game. Ask whatever you want. But for every question I answer, you have to answer one first. HOUSE: Why would you care about anything I have to say? GABE: The day before I died, I was a successful man. I had a factory with over two hundred employees. People listened when I talked. I liked power. Now, the only power I have left is the power to annoy you. [With a smug smile, he turns and walks off. House smiles wryly.] [Aerial sht of PPTH. Day.] [Kyle's room. Kyle is unconscious. The Ducklings are there.] CAMERON: Took Wilson's assistant for coffee. FOREMAN: Why? CAMERON: Something Tritter said. She told me the police think that House stole Wilson's prescription pad and forged his name. FOREMAN: You believe it? CAMERON: Do you? FOREMAN: Why, absolutely. I do. I'm just checking how naﶥ you are. CAMERON: He's not gonna steal his best friend's pad, jeopardize his career. FOREMAN: Until his best friend says "no" to him. House is a junkie. Junkies do whatever they have to do to get what they need. CAMERON: [Checking the patient.] Kyle's under three in the RLAS scale. He's only showing localized response. [Foreman sighs.] CHASE: I'll call House. Tell him I'm gonna need an answer soon. [He walks out.] [Aerial sht of highway. Wilson's car is seen.] [Wilson's car. Interior. Gabe is driving. House, in the passenger seat, is going through a map.] WILSON: Get in the right lane for 295. And pass me the Twizzlers. [Gabe passes it behind. Wilson pops one in his mouth.] WILSON: I'm curious. HOUSE: No, you're not. WILSON: Why would a man's first instinct to be to drive away from the only family he's got? HOUSE: Noooo! This is no time for you to do your thing! We don't care about his state of mind, we don't care if he's happy. [To Gabe.] This factory of yours. What did you make? [Gabe looks at House, who looks back. House sighs.] HOUSE: So ask me a question. GABE: I'm thinking. HOUSE: [To Wilson, holding up a bottle of Vicodin.] Only six left, by the way. WILSON: So sign my name. You don't need a doctor, you need a pen. [House dry-swallows a Vicodin.] GABE: What is up with you two? HOUSE: Wilson lied to the bulls to keep me out of the big house. WILSON: [Pissed.] Are you out of your mind? HOUSE: Who's he gonna tell? By tomorrow night, he's gonna be a mindless stalk of celery. Since I answered that one, by the way, my turn. What did you make in your factory? GABE: Luxury boats. You ever been in love? HOUSE: Wow! Going right for the closets with the embarrassing stuff. Good move. [His answer.] Yes! Describe the boats. GABE: Thirty-five to sixty-five foot hulls, twin engines, Parquet floors in the galley, staterooms with queen beds. How'd you meet? HOUSE: She sht me. These boats - I assume you use mildew-resistant paint on the hulls? GABE: Naturally. sht you? HOUSE: Paintball. Doctors versus lawyers. Ever take your son to the factory? GABE: Sure. He used to run all over the place. He was perfectly safe. Ever love anybody else? HOUSE: [Shaking his head.] No more questions. I got my answer. While dad's in the office, son's watching 'em spray-paint. And what kid wears a mask? [House pulls out his cell phone and starts dialing.] HOUSE: Mercury specifically targets the central nervous system. GABE: You're saying this is my fault? [House has the cell phone at his ear, waiting for a response.] HOUSE: Mercury poisoning explains the seizures. The liver's like a big soup-strainer. Soup drains through, chicken dumplings stay. For soup read blood, for chicken dumplings... GABE: [Morosely.] I get it, I get it. Mercury. HOUSE: Sits more or less idle until your kid pours tequila sh*t into his liver. When the liver goes, takes out his kidneys - explains everything. [He gets a response on his cell phone.] HOUSE: [Into the phone.] Yeah, it's me. [House's office. Foreman puts House on the speakerphone. Cameron is nearby.] HOUSE: [From phone.] Foreman, draw blood, test for mercury poisoning. Chase, start heavy-metal chelation while we're waiting for results. [Cameron and Foreman exchange uneasy glances.] FOREMAN: Chase isn't here. I'll start the... HOUSE: Where is he? [Another exchange of uneasy glances.] FOREMAN: The lab. [Back in the car, House hangs up.] [PPTH lab (AKA Tritter's interrogation room). Tritter grills a harried-looking Chase.] TRITTER: How many pills does he take a day? CHASE: It's hard to say. Pain levels vary all the time. Could be six, eight... ten. TRITTER: Ever write any prescriptions for him? CHASE: [Nods.] Yes. TRITTER: Why? Did he tell you to? CHASE: He asked me to. [Tritter smiles, then rolls up a chair and takes a seat in front of Chase.] TRITTER: Medicine attracts people who are attracted to power. I know how he hates when he is defied by a patient. I doubt he handles defiance from his staff any better. Now you correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Dr. House asks for anything. I think he takes it. And I think that you are stuck, lying to the police, to cover up something [Shaking his head sympathetically.] you didn't wanna do. [Chase stares coldly at Tritter.] [Beta Comment: Oh Tritter you judgeth wrongly my friend; seriously that was the wrong play for Chase.] [Atlantic City. Evening. Wilson's car comes to a stop at a traffic light.] HOUSE: [V.O.] We have been up and down St. James like a Monopoly car. It's not here. Giancarlo has left the building. [Gabe rests his head on the wheel in disappointment. Then he angrily pounds on wheel.] WILSON: We can still turn around and go back to Princeto... GABE: [Aloud.] No! We've come this far, I'm getting the hoagie! WILSON: [bat.] If your son does have mercury poisoning, there's a good chance he'll respond to the chelation. You might be able to have a few minutes with him before you lapse... GABE: [Turns around, upset.] Why are you so concerned about me? [Wilson gives up.] HOUSE: Deep inside, Wilson believes if he cares enough, he'll never have to die. WILSON: [To Gabe.] Your behavior isn't normal. HOUSE: [Scoffs.] And you would know normal. WILSON: What could he have done that you won't forgive after ten years, when this is your last chance? GABE: My son is what he is. His mother's side - all drunken losers; he's gone the same way. WILSON: House told you that drinking had damaged your son's liver. GABE: But you said that! WILSON: But you didn't hear him say that 'til after we left the hospital. So, why did you leave? [Gabe silently looks outside.] HOUSE: Maybe your son takes after your side; seizures and an allergy to emotional connections. GABE: [Waving wildly.] Okay, okay, okay, enough! We're in Atlantic City, and my time's not up yet. We'll find a hotel with a casino. [He starts the car and they drive off.] [Kyle's room. Cameron is flashing her flashlight into Kyle's eyes. Foreman is also checking up on him. Suddenly, the monitors start beeping.] CAMERON: BP's starting to drop. [Monitor starts to whine and beep.] FOREMAN: O2 stats down to 70. [Cameron puts an oxygen mask on Kyle. Foreman gets a syringe with epinephrine and injects it into Kyle's IV.] FOREMAN: Point-three milligrams of epi. In. CAMERON: What're you trying to do? Make him bleed faster? FOREMAN: Check the pulse. [Cameron does.] FOREMAN: It's not his liver. [Cameron checks the monitor. HR 126, BP 104/58, SpO2 70, Temp (F) 101.] FOREMAN: It's the heart. [Cameron looks nervously at Foreman.] [Aerial sht of Caesar's Palace, Atlantic City.] [Hotel suite. Gabe is on the couch, watching TV, while House limps about. Wilson is on the phone with Room Service.] WILSON: [Into the phone.] I understand it's a French chef. But I'm sure he can handle this. Need a twelve-inch Italian roll, Oregano vinegar. No, not Balsamic vinegar. Oregano vinegar. [House puts off the TV and stands menacingly in front of Gabe.] HOUSE: [Hannibal Greg.] Quid pro quo, Clarice. [Regular Greg.] Game's still on. GABE: I thought the answer was mercury poisoning. What other questions would you care about? WILSON: [Cradling phone.] If you each had one day to live, you'd look for one last meal and House would look for one last answer. [House holds up his Vicodin bottle and signals that he has only five pills left. He dry-swallows one.] WILSON: [Into the phone.] No, can you just send the ingredients up here and I'll make it myself. [Wilson hangs up. Gabe looks disappointed.] HOUSE: Last ten years. How much awareness did you have? GABE: I don't know. I knew it wasn't the next day. I knew that, I recognized your voice. How often were you in my room? [House is about to answer/lie, when Wilson chimes in.] WILSON: No, you're wasting a question. I have a better one. [House braces for it.] WILSON: [Serious.] Why steal my pad? HOUSE: Oh my God, you're right! I'm an addict. Thanks for opening my eyes. WILSON: [Shaking his head.] No, I mean, why my pad? Foreman, Cameron and Chase's pads are just as convenient. But their association with you is involuntary. They're employees. I associate with you through choice and any relationship that involves choice, you have to see how far you can push before it breaks. HOUSE: This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them and make tasty snacks. [Gets up.] Let's go try the casino. WILSON: And one day, our friendship will break and it'll just prove your theory that relationships are conditional and you don't need human connection or deserve it or whatever goes on in that rat maze of your brain. HOUSE: [To Gabe.] Sorry. If I'd known he was gonna be this annoying, I'd have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. She appreciates my brooding melancholy. [His cell phone rings. He answers it.] HOUSE: [Whiny-voice.] House's house of whining. State your complaint. INTERCUT WITH: [PPTH lab. Foreman speaks to House on his cell phone.] FOREMAN: Patient's BP just dropped like a stone. HOUSE: Do an echo. Mercury isn't likely to damage the... FOREMAN: It didn't. Mercury test was negative. HOUSE: [Grimly.] Do an echo. [House hangs up, solemnly. Wilson and Gabe watch him with interest.] HOUSE: I was wrong. Your son's still dying. I need to go over every relative you ever had again. This time, forget their diseases, just tell me how they died. We don't have time to take turns. [Hurriedly, he sits down and picks up some files from the table.] HOUSE: Give me the answers, you get a big one at the end. Go for whatever you want. Destroy my privacy, my dignity. [Hotel suite. Room service has delivered the hoagie ingredients, except the foot long Italian roll. Instead, they've delivered triangle-shaped bread slices. Wilson is already on the phone, waiting to complain. House is still pestering Gabe about his relatives' deaths.] HOUSE: Your grandmother? GABE: Heat exhaustion. Fourth of July picnic. The woman was 92. [Wilson gets an answer.] WILSON: [Into phone, pained] Does anyone in the kitchen know the hoagie shop that used to be on St. James' place? HOUSE: Your sister-in-law with diabetes. As far as you know, she's still alive? GABE: She's not. klled in a traffic accident while driving home from a Phillies game; I'm sure lot of beer was consumed. Phillies lost! HOUSE: Your father? GABE: Old age. Heart finally gave up. HOUSE: Your wife's father? GABE: ht-and-run. Walking the incontinent dog. [Wilson has got a number and has dialed it. He gets an answer.] WILSON: [Into phone, hopefully.] Hi, you guys deliver? [bat.] Lemme put it this way. If you deliver, there'll be a hundred dollar tip in it for you. [The answer must be "Yeah!", because he exults.] WILSON: [Into the phone.] Excellent! [To Gabe.] Victory. GABE: [Laughs.] The night is finally going my way. Wilson, toss me a soda. [Wilson picks up a beer can and tosses it at Gabe. Gabe's hand is positioned to catch it, but he doesn't clasp it as it hits his hand. His hand remains open. The can falls to the floor. This event is not lost on any of the three men in the room. Gabe slowly curls his fingers inward to make a fist. House and Wilson exchange a knowing glance.] [PPTH lobby. Foreman is on his laptop. Tritter walks up behind him.] TRITTER: Should we go somewhere to talk? FOREMAN: [Sighs and ignores the question.] House is an ass. But he obviously needs pain medication. How much pain one person feels is not a call the government should be making. TRITTER: So you think I'm a bureaucrat with a badge, following some arbitrary guideline? FOREMAN: [Pretends to think about it.] Yeah. I do. TRITTER: So you're saying I should, just trust him. Do you? FOREMAN: You're not qualified to make... TRITTER: I'm not sure you are either. [Foreman stares at Tritter.] TRITTER: I've been a cop for twenty years. Not a day goes by that someone doesn't try to sell me some self-serving story. [Foreman tries to ignore Tritter and resumes his work.] TRITTER: If you had my job, you'd know. [bat.] Everybody lies. [Foreman stops, obviously feeling an uncomfortable feeling of dej࠶u. Tritter walks off.] [Hotel room. House's questioning seems to be losing steam.] GABE: Think you've run out of relatives. So, it's my turn. [House remains silent.] GABE: Why did you become a doctor? [House sits on the couch.] HOUSE: That's the big question? I give you complete license to humiliate me and that's the best you can do. Well, okay. Let's discuss the wonder of the human body. GABE: No, no, no. You're a curious guy. You like to figure things out. Why not go into research? Why work with people when you obviously hate people. [Wilson finds the question pertinent and waits for an answer.] HOUSE: Oedipal fixation. I was seeking my mother's love and she thought that Ben Casey was just the dreamiest. GABE: All right ine. You don't think you'll need any more answers from me? Give me a hard time. [House looks at Wilson, who is waiting for the answer. Finally, he relents.] HOUSE: When I was fourteen, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock-climbing with this kid from school. He fell, got injured and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, passed this guy in the hall. It was a janitor. Friend came down with an infection and doctors didn't know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor and a buraku; one of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. And this guy knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, didn't even try, didn't dress well, he didn't pretend to be one of them. The people around that place, they didn't think that he had anything they wanted, except when they needed him. Because he was right; which meant that nothing else mattered, they had to listen to him. [Silence.] [Kyle's room. Cameron and Chase prepare to perform an ultrasound on an unconscious Kyle. Cameron hands Chase the bottle of gel.] CHASE: 'Kyou. [It's "Thank you", not the other thing!!!] [Just as he's about to apply it on Kyle's chest, Kyle goes into convulsions. The monitor begins to whine. Chase and Cameron try and hold him down.] CHASE: Need twenty milligrams of diazepam in a syringe! [The nurse goes to get it. Cameron holds Kyle's head to the side. Then, the monitor starts beeping.] CAMERON: Heart bat's irregular and accelerating! [Kyle's head is jerking too much for Cameron to hold it down.] CAMERON: It's at two hundred! CHASE: He's gonna crash! CAMERON: Allergic reaction to diazepam?! [Chase gets the paddles from the crash cart and starts to charge them up.] CHASE: Better hope so! Either that or his heart's done! [Chase zaps Kyle.] [Hotel room. Wilson and Gabe lounge on the couches. House gazes at a light fixture.] HOUSE: What happened on the night of the fre? [Gabe glares at House.] HOUSE: Yeah, sure it's a stressful, emotional question. Suck it up! GABE: My wife had taken a sleeping pill and gone to bed. It was Christmas Eve. Kyle popped corn in the fireplace. He managed to knock loose some tinder. Wrapping paper caught on fre. Spread so fast. I got Kyle outta there. When I went back in for... [Chokes, takes a bat, then.] WILSON: You're a disappointment. [Gabe looks at Wilson in surprise.] WILSON: You act as though you don't need anybody. You just blame your son for what happened. GABE: [Sitting up.] I don't blame him. He was a twelve-year-old boy. You don't blame a kid for an accident. WILSON: Then what are we doing here? Why aren't you with him? GABE: [Yelling.] Because it wouldn't matter! [Gets up and walks around, still yelling.] I failed to keep my family safe! I couldn't stop the fre, I couldn't save my wife! [Getting angrier.] Now you want me to stick around watching while I fail to save my son?! [Through clenched teeth.] Thank you so much for waking me up!! [Wilson backs down.] HOUSE: How did your son dislodge the tinder? [Gabe chuckles wryly and sits down, his face buried in his hands. Then, as if to humor the crazy doc, he replies.] GABE: He dropped the popcorn tray. He had been complaining it was too heavy. I should have listened. HOUSE: And the ht-and-run, walking the pissy dog. That happen at night? GABE: [Cooling down a bit.] I think so, yeah. Why? HOUSE: Car accident after the Phillies lost. Night game? [Gabe nods. Wilson seems to see where House is going with this.] HOUSE: Ragged Red Fiber. It's an inherited condition. Dropping things, muscle weakness, poor night-vision. These people seem uncoordinated and accident-prone. Careless. It's transmitted in mitochondrial DNA, so it only passes through the mother. Your wife's family weren't drunks, they were sick. WILSON: It wouldn't have affected his liver. HOUSE: The kid is a drunk. Thinks that he klled his mother and turned his father into a vegetable. I might have a few shts myself. [As he speaks, he pulls out his cell phone and dials a number. He waits for a response. He gets it.] FOREMAN: [From phone.] Foreman. HOUSE: Test his DNA for Ragged Red Fiber. [PPTH lobby. Foreman speaks on a landline phone.] FOREMAN: It's not gonna... HOUSE: Here's a thought. Why don't we not assume that the test is negative 'til we actually do it. FOREMAN: House. The kid has severe cardiomyopathy. Alcoholic and no sht of a transplant. So yeah, maybe you figured out why. Good for you, but he's gonna die anyway. [Foreman looks behind into Kyle's room at Kyle, unconscious, hooked up to monitors and a respirator. Foreman hangs up.] [House hangs up as well, looking grim. He looks at the others.] [Hotel room. Night. The hoagie's finally here but no one is eating it. It's raining outside and thunder can be heard. Wilson sits morosely on the couch, while House paces the room. Gabe peers out the window at the view. Finally.] GABE: [Decisively.] I want to give Kyle my heart. [House stops pacing. He and Wilson look at Gabe. Gabe faces them and speaks.] GABE: This thing, whatever it is. You said he gets it from the mother. My heart's fine. WILSON: And it could go on being fine for the rest of your life. HOUSE: Yeah. 'S not like he's gonna do anything with it. WILSON: [Standing.] Well, you woke him up once. Maybe, someone will come up with some other answer. We've both seen breakthroughs no one expected. [To Gabe.] And Ragged Red Fiber's treatable, but not curable. Even if he gets your heart, there's no guarantee. [Gabe doesn't care.] GABE: He's my kid. [Cuddy's office. Night. Cuddy's on the phone with House.] CUDDY: No! Did you really expect a different answer? [Hotel room. House is on his cell phone.] HOUSE: We have arranged transplants before when a patient is near death. CUDDY: Except he isn't near death. He's saying "kll me and cut out my heart". Are you out of your mind? HOUSE: Fine. I'll think of something else. CUDDY: I'm sorry. [She hangs up.] [House does the same. He shakes his head. He limps over to an armchair and sits.] HOUSE: Wilson, get out. [Wilson guesses what House is going to do.] WILSON: [Firm, yet unsure.] No. HOUSE: You've lied to the cops enough for me. Maybe I don't wanna push this 'til it breaks. [Wilson seems to understand. He looks at Gabe and slowly walks out, taking his jacket and House's cane as he goes. He closes the door behind him. House waits till Wilson is gone. In a somber tone, he speaks to Gabe.] HOUSE: Pills are the simplest. Hanging has less chance of damaging the heart. GABE: [Thinks about it.] I'm okay with pain. HOUSE: Strangulation's better than breaking your neck. Which means this'll be slow. GABE: [Sighs.] I wouldn't get to see him even if we got in a car right now and broke the speed limit, driving back, would I? HOUSE: [Small shake of his head.] No. GABE: [Nod.] Tell him... [Long bat.] I don't know what to tell him. [Sighs.] Think it's my turn to ask a question, isn't it? HOUSE: I don't think so. 'Cause you've just asked me that thing about the speed limit. [Gabe looks at House with a "Humor me" look. House relents.] HOUSE: What do you wanna know? GABE: If you could hear on thing from your father, what would it be? HOUSE: I wouldn't help you. GABE: Try me. HOUSE: I'd want him to say, "You were right. You did the right thing". GABE: [Smiles.] Yeah, it doesn't help. [House chuckles and looks at Gabe, the smile disappearing slowly. Gabe looks solemnly at House.] [Hotel casino. Gamblers do their thing, as Wilson stands at the craps table. He "hits" on a woman there.] WILSON: Hi. MRS. SCHAEFFER: Hi. WILSON: [Clearly enunciating.] I'm Dr. Wilson. MRS. SCHAEFFER: I'm Mrs. Schaeffer. WILSON: I'm from Princeton. MRS. SCHAEFFER: [Trying to blow him off gently.] My husband and I and our three children are from Philadelphia. [Wilson nods and rolls his eyes. He braces himself.] WILSON: So, uhh, do you like to swing? [Mrs. Schaeffer looks at him and laughs.] MRS. SCHAEFFER: No. WILSON: Well, if you change your mind, I'm in... [He turns around and yells.] WILSON: House! House! [A balding guy with a long face, stubble and House's cane looks up. Mrs. Schaeffer turns to see "House".] WILSON: Is it Room 622? 642? "HOUSE": [Rehearsed speech.] 622. WILSON: [To Mrs. Schaeffer.] It's 622. MRS. SCHAEFFER: [Get lost.] Yeah. [Wilson seems satisfied by this rejection. He walks over to "House" and slaps some money in his hand and takes back House's cane. He walks away, his and House's alibi made.] [Hotel corridor, outside their room. House is sitting on the floor, near their room door. Wilson walks over and gives House is cane back.] WILSON: [Explaining.] Alibi. HOUSE: I figured. [They wait silently for a while. Then an ominous thud is heard from inside their room. They look at each other, sadly.] [Aerial sht of PPTH. Night.] [The Operation Room doors are thrown open as surgeons, orderlies and nurses hurriedly wheel in two gurneys, one with Kyle on life support and the other with Gabe. Gabe has a red ligature mark on his throat. As they move out of view, we see House watching expressionlessly through the glass portion of the OR doors. He dry-swallows a Vicodin. He turns away from the door and walks into Cuddy.] CUDDY: They found an open bottle of Aspirin by the body. Lucky he had a headache. Reduced trauma to the heart in transit. HOUSE: [Expressionless nod.] Lucky. [Cuddy knows better than to waste time, chewing House out. Eyes closed in defeat, she walks off.] [Kyle's room. Kyle is recuperating from the heart transplant. He's conscious. House is in the room.] KYLE: That can't be all. HOUSE: Well, you got a heart out of it. How many organs do want from the guy? KYLE: I mean, my father must have said something. He couldn't just... he must have given you some kind of a message for me. HOUSE: [bat.] He said you were right. You did the right thing. [He starts to walk out.] KYLE: [Confused.] Right about what? What does that mean? HOUSE: How should I know? He's your dad. [He leaves. Kyle fights back tears and sniffles, remembering his dad.] [PPTH lobby. Wilson's at the ATM again, trying to withdraw money, but can't seem to get any. House appears behind him.] HOUSE: You know what I found interesting about this case? WILSON: That it proved people can love unconditionally and you can tell yourself it's not true, but you'll just end up in a hotel room in Atlantic City, asking someone to cut your heart out? HOUSE: The hoagie. [The ATM beeps again. No transaction. Wilson frowns.] HOUSE: You thought this guy was emotionally confused and the hoagie was just a mask to hide his real feelings towards his son. WILSON: It was. Did you know Tritter was talking to your team while we were away? HOUSE: Yeah. Yet you moved heaven and earth to get him that mask with mustard and proscuitto. WILSON: Which one of them told you? HOUSE: All of them. Which means that none of them said anything that I have to worry about. Now, back to the hoagie. You think that my addiction's out of hand? Your need to be needed is so strong that you give people what they want, what they need, what they think they need. [Wilson gets on his cell phone to the bank.] WILSON: I don't think my enabling is anything you should be complaining about. [He gets a response.] WILSON: [Into the phone] Yes, my name is Dr. James Wilson, account number 835687. The ATM says I've got zero [bat.] What does that mean? A hold? [bat.] Yeah, okay. Thanks. [Beta Comment: Whose account number is six numbers long? Mine is like sixteen and I need to know the special three digit number on the back of the card, my social security number, my mom's maiden name AND promise them my first born before they'll admit I even have an account let alone give me info like that.] [He hangs up and leans against the machine in frustration.] WILSON: [Sighs.] My accounts have been frozen as part of a police investigation. HOUSE: [Trying to be supportive.] They can't keep your money forever. WILSON: No, they can keep it 'til I agree to help send you prison for ten years. [Sighs again.] You're getting dinner. [He walks away. House remains behind, a troubled look on his face. Then he leaves, following Wilson.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x07 - Son of Coma Guy"}	foreverdreaming
[Arcade/Restaurant. A kid plays Whac-A-Mole. The smiling plastic mole pops out of its hole, and the ever-vigilant kid whacks it right back into the hole, with his foam hammer. He whacks another two. Typical carnival music plays in the background. Elsewhere, kids pull out mini-basketballs and throw them towards mini-nets. Other kids try their hands at video games.] [In the midst of all this kiddie revelry, a rather irritable and testy teenage waiter, Jack (our POTW), walks holding a birthday cake for a kid named Tanner, who has (judging by the candles) just turned 10. Jack holds the cake up, trying to avoid the kids rushing past. A girl holds her glass up at him as he passes by her. Next to her,sits a younger boy.] GIRL (KAMA): Uhh... I need a refill. [Jack turns around and looks at the girl in irritation.] JACK: You've already had three. GIRL (KAMA): So what? They're free. JACK: I got a birthday. Get it yourself. [He walks off.] GIRL (KAMA): [watching him leave] No wonder he doesn't get any tips. [Jack comes up to the birthday party at a table. The kids cheer on seeing the cake. Jack seems a bit sick.] JACK: All right! Who's ready to sing the Ralphie's Rumpus Birthday Rum-shake? [He half-heartedly holds up his hand, introducing Ralphie. Ralphie, a guy in a squirrel costume with a red T-shirt with the letter R on it, enthusiastically jumps into view. The kids cheer in delight. Ralphie and Jack do thedance for the kids' entertainment. Ralphie has a distinctive "squirrelly" tone in his voice.] RALPHIE & JACK: [singing] Let's sing! Let's ride! Let's bling! Let's slide! It's time for Ralphie! We'll dance, eat cake, And do the Rum-shake. It's time for Ralphie. [Midway through the song and dance, Jack starts to slur on the words and stumble about. He stops. There's a glassy look on his face, sweat forming on his face. Ralphie prances past him.] RALPHIE: [normal voice, quietly] You okay, man? [JACK'S POV: The kids clap and yell in excitement. They all appear to be moving in slow motion. Ralphie's huge squirrel-head comes into view.] RALPHIE: You okay? [JACK'S POV: The kids seem a bit concerned about Jack.] [Jack slowly lurches forward and falls against the birthday table. He vomits on the cake, freaking out all the nearby kids. He clutches his chest in agony and vomits some more on the cake and some presents. He grunts out in pain. Ralphie runs up and pulls him away from the frightened and nauseous kids.] RALPHIE: OK, all right. Let's get you in the back. C'mon. [addressing the kids in "Ralphie"-voice] It's okay, kids. Sorry. [It's anything but okay. Jack, clutching his chest even tighter, falls to his knees on the floor. Another waiter runs up to help.] [CGI POV: Zoom through Jack's chest.The heart beats a couple of times and then... just stops. We hear defibrillatorpaddles charging up and see an electric shock going through the heart.] [Zoom out. Time lapse. Paramedics attend to Jack, shocking him.] PARAMEDIC 1: Got a heart bat. [The girl and boy from before come running up, looking scared.] GIRL (KAMA): Jack?! PARAMEDIC 1: I need you to step back. GIRL (KAMA): He's my brother. BOY (WILL): [distressed, echo-ey] Jack, wake up! PARAMEDIC 1: Call your parents. Tell them to go to Princeton-Plainsborough Hospital. GIRL (KAMA): Our parents died! He's all we've got! [Camera holds on Jack, as we...] [Hotel Parking lot. Day. A Tow-truck has hitched up Wilson's car. An understandably upset Wilson walks up to the officer with the clipboard.] WILSON: I was not parked illegally. I... I live here. OFFICER: [pulls out the warrant from the clipboard] Love note... from Detective Tritter. [The officer walks off, leaving an incredulous Wilson to watch his car being towed away.] [PPTH. Diagnostics office. House and the Ducklings confer over Jack's case.] FOREMAN: Heart attck. His cath was clean and echo showed no functional abnormalities. CAMERON: Fatigue, night sweats, weight loss preceded the heart attck. Eighteen-year-old kid. Suddenly an orphan _and_ a single father of two. HOUSE: [looking at the file, loudly] Party of five! Powerful stuff. The OC of its day. Stress explains everything except the itchy feet. CAMERON: Athlete's foot covers that. Waiters work twelve hours a day in old sneakers. HOUSE: Hmm. Good idea. Ignore the symptoms. Makes your job easy. CAMERON: [protesting] I'm not ignoring the symptom. I'm explaining a symptom. [House seems to have had a thought.] FOREMAN: Kid's been hanging over a toilet despite anti-emetic therapy. Persistent vomiting could indicate increased inter-cranial pressure, tumour... HOUSE: Sure. Heart problems, gotta be the brain. Thank God there's a neurologist in the room. [He dry-swallows a Vicodin or two.] FOREMAN: [deadpan] Right. It's the feet. If only I was a podiatrist. CHASE: Probably got an intestinal virus from one of those feral kids running around. Repeated vomiting causes anelectrolyte imbalance which leads to an arrhythmia, which leads to the heart attck... [As Chase talks, House gets up from his seat at the glass table, limps over to the desk near his office door, picks up an envelope and limps back.] CHASE: [continued] ...and itchy feet. [Foreman frowns at the brown-nose attempt. House sits down at the glass table again.] HOUSE: Nope! [slaps the envelope down on the table] CHASE: That's... it? Nope? HOUSE: I've said too much already. FOREMAN: This isn't a game, House. [House is bending over a sheet of paper, writing something on it.] HOUSE: No, it's not. But it could be. [Cameron tries to sneak a casual peek, but House conspiratorially blocks her view of the paper with his left arm.] FOREMAN: [testily] What are you writing? HOUSE: [still writing] Nothing. CHASE: If you know the diagnosis, why don't you...? HOUSE: [finishes writing, sits back upright] How are you gonna learn to swim unless I take off your floaties and throw you into shark-infested waters? [He licks the envelope.] CAMERON: You can't know what's wrong after a thirty second perusal of his file. HOUSE: Apparently you can't. Now what's a game without rules? Uhh, no tagbacks, no biting, you get one test each and the clock runs until lunch. [He writes something on the envelope and gets up and limps over to the whiteboard.] HOUSE: If I'm right, he'll still be alive. If I'm wrong, it's a very cruel game. [He uses a magnetic paperclip container to hold the envelope in place. On the envelope is written "THE GAME IS A ITCHY FOOT".] [Lawyer's office. Wilson enters the office.] LAWYER: You're late. I charge from the time you're supposed to be here. WILSON: Tritter towed my car. He's frozen my assets. He's on a crusade. LAWYER: [opening his briefcase] You're a person-of-interest in a narcotics investigation. You're linked to their suspect and his activities. WILSON: [upset] I'm not Pablo Escobar's evil henchman cruising into Miami in a cigarette boat. I'm a physician who prescribed Vicodin to a pain patient. LAWYER: [holding up a sheet of paper] This police report you faxed me, says they found six hundred pills in hisapartment. You prescribe those? WILSON: [exasperated] He's in chronic pain. This is obviously an abuse of power. LAWYER: Is that a yes or a no? WILSON: [with restraint] Patients build up a tolerance over the years... LAWYER: Perfect motive for him to forge those scrips. Still don't have an answer. WILSON: What, are we like role-playing? LAWYER: [packing his briefcase] Yeah. And you suck at it. Which is really unfortunate, because you're pretending to be you. I gotta get to court. WILSON: Michael told me you could help me get my car back. LAWYER: Yeah... divorce lawyers usually know the ins and outs of drug enforcement. You want your car back? You're gonna have to give the cops what they want. WILSON: [mock-gratitude] Thanks. Usually people feel helpless in these situations. LAWYER: Dr. House is probably going to jail. You keep on lying for him. You'll go right along with him. [He leaves. Wilson seems pensive.] [PPTH hallway. The Ducklings try to decide what test to perform on Jack.] CHASE: [holding Jack's file] House was on this page when he got that annoying "I'm-such-a-genius" look. CAMERON: What's that? CHASE: Patient history. FOREMAN: He's eighteen.Probably drinks, smokes, does drugs. How close am I? [They enter the elevator.] CHASE: [reading] Quit drugs when his parents died. Quit smoking. [The elevator door closes.] CHASE: House didn't mock my viral idea. He just said it was wrong. Which means he didn't want to give reasons, which means I must have been close. [perking up] I'm thinking bacteria. I'm doing a blood culture. [The elevator opens and they file out.] FOREMAN: I am doing an MRI. CAMERON: If it was a tumour, inter-cranial pressure could cause his brain to herniate [mocking] before lunch. FOREMAN: Same thing with the stress test. CAMERON: Which is why I'm ditching it. CHASE: What are you doing instead? CAMERON: [smug] Not telling. FOREMAN: Seriously, you're playing his game? CAMERON: We're all playing his game. Might as well enjoy it. CUT TO: [Jack's room. Chase is attending to Jack. Kama and Will are also there, doing homework.] CHASE: Anybody else sick at work? [Jack shakes his head.] WILL: [looking up from his homework] I had a stomach-ache before him. JACK: This isn't your fault, Will. Keep working. WILL: [indignantly] My brother's in the hospital. Mrs. Tully won't care if I finish my homework. JACK: Your brother cares if you finish your homework. [Will reluctantly looks back down at his book. Chase looks up at the door and sees House limping inside. House sidles up to the kids. He sits on Will's chair's armrest. Chase frowns.] HOUSE: [juts his head towards Will] Can I be your imaginary friend? [The kids look at their brother.] CHASE: [reassuring] He's a doctor. HOUSE: [to Jack] How're the feet? They still itch? JACK: Uhm... is that important? HOUSE: I don't know. [to Chase] Is it? [Chase doesn't say anything.] HOUSE: What kinda drugs you into? CHASE: [quickly] You don't have to talk about that right now. JACK: [unaffected] No, that's okay. I don't keep secrets from them. They know I did drugs before our parents died. HOUSE: Clever. Admit the past. Deny the present. JACK: I'm clean. I'm raising two kids. It'd be pretty irresponsible, wouldn't it? HOUSE: But confiding it in eight-year-olds is okay. JACK: If I'm open with them, then they'll be open with me. HOUSE: Shyeah! Turning the other cheek's a good strategy in boxing. Kids don't lie because they have trust issues. They lie because they have something to hide. [looking down at Will] Look at him. Sitting there doing nothing. He's still lying. WILL: We don't lie to Jack. HOUSE: Spelling test you failed or forgot to...? WILL: [coolly] No. HOUSE: Math test? WILL: [still cool] No. HOUSE: Bite the kid sitting next to you? WILL: He doesn't sit next to me. [Whoops! Will looks guiltily at Jack. House looks triumphant.] HOUSE: The other one's probably having sex. KAMA: I am not! HOUSE: Yet. But when you start, you're gonna lie about it. [Chase glances at House.] [MRI Room. A nervous Jack is being moved into the MRI. Foreman sits in the adjoining room, looking over the MRI scanresults. Camera pans to show House sitting smugly next to him. The machine beeps.] HOUSE: Colder. FOREMAN: [singsong] I'm not playing. [into microphone] Keep very still, Jack. This won't take long. [House suddenly leans forward and speaks into the microphone.] HOUSE: [into mic] How much dope did you smoke? [Jack, inside the MRI, frowns.] JACK: Does he have to be here? FOREMAN: [into mic] No. Ignore him. [to House] 'S not his lungs. HOUSE: Never said it was. [into mic] What about cigarettes? How'd you quit? Gum? Patch? Hypnosis? [Foreman rolls his eyes in annoyance.] HOUSE: [to Foreman] He went from two packs to nothing. Cold turkey. [Foreman tries ignoring House, by concentrating on the monitor.] HOUSE: Or we could just make small talk. You still seeing that nurse in Paeds? I just don't think she's right for you. You need someone detached, calculating, ambitious. You need yourself in a skirt. [Foreman looks at House and decides on the lesser of two annoying evils.] FOREMAN: Jack, he asked you a question. JACK: I didn't really quit. Just sorta lost taste for it. HOUSE: Hmm. Interesting. Sounds like one of those symptom thingies. FOREMAN: He's still puking and he had a heart attck aaand... itchy feet! It's not his lungs. HOUSE: Never said it was. [Foreman looks at the results.] HOUSE: [exaggerated shivering] Brrr! Ice-cold. [Foreman sht House an icy glare.] [Jack's room. Cameron's up. As Jack lies in bed, she injects something into his IV line.] CAMERON: I'm injecting your [?] to see if your heart attck was caused by a spasm in the vessels surrounding your heart. [As she speaks, she looks at the monitor. House pops his head behind hers to see the monitor as well.] CAMERON: Let me know if anything feels... [She turns around and finds herself looking directly at House. She pauses a moment.] CAMERON: Unusual. [She's a bit uncomfortable with House there.] JACK: If the problems are at my heart, why did that other doctor look at my brain? HOUSE: Yeah. [to Cameron] Why did that other doctor look at his brain? CAMERON: [ignoring House, to Jack] We're just trying to eliminate as many possibilities as we can. [glares at House] HOUSE: So because you think a spasm causes heart attcks, you're gonna induce another spasm? [to Jack] Did you consent to this? [Jack looks fearfully at Cameron.] CAMERON: [encouragingly] Everything's under control. Tests are gonna identify which arteries are affected so we can repair them. [She turns back to the monitor.] HOUSE: Your meds don't seem to be doing anything. So either you're wrong... or his system hasn't been pushed enough to set anything off. [Cameron rolls her eyes and turns to stare a couple of daggers into House. House moves out of her way. She goes over to Jack's side and takes a breath.] CAMERON: You wanna get back home, right? I mean, you're probably already falling behind with the housework, bills. [House smiles approvingly at Cameron's scare-tactics and looks at Jack's increasing heart-rate.] CAMERON: [wide-eyed, smiling] How many sick days you think you'll get before they replace you? [The heart rate is steadily climbing.] HOUSE: Heart rate's up. Nothing else. JACK: They can't fre me if I'm sick. CAMERON: Right! You're irreplaceable. Who else would they find qualified to dance with a rodent? [Her words are having the desired effect on him.] CAMERON: [voice rising] How can you even support your family? What happens when those kids grow out of their clothes, when they get sick? [Almost feeling sick herself, she turns round to House.] HOUSE: Still no spasm. CAMERON: [getting in Jack's face] They'll take those kids away from you, Jack. Maybe I should bring them in here right now so that you can kiss them... goodbye! [Jack starts to cry at the possibility. But no spasm.] HOUSE: [mock-scolding] Can't you see his heart is fine?! Stop torturing him! What kind of doctor are you? [Cameron feels like a heel.] [PPTH lobby. Wilson enters the hospital, shivering despite his overcoat. Cuddy is at the nurses station.] CUDDY: [off-screen to someone] Wonderful. Thank you so much. I'll be back. [Wilson walks over to the nurses station and picks up a few notes put on the table for him. Cuddy looks at him.] CUDDY: You're just getting here? WILSON: [irritably] Buses suck. CUDDY: Where's your car? WILSON: It's a hostage! Tritter wants me to testify against House. [He starts moving towards the clinic. Cuddy follows him.] CUDDY: You're not going to? WILSON: Is that a question or an order? CUDDY: Any sort of conviction will cost House his license. [Wilson stops to face her.] WILSON: Which will cost this hospital. Relax. I'm not gonna mess with your precious resource. I told my lawyer to tell Tritter to go to hell. Marko!! [He walks to the pharmacy.] WILSON: [loudly] Why are all my prescriptions getting bounced back?! MARKO: Sorry, Dr. Wilson. I was trying to call you. Where's your phone? WILSON: In my car. My patients, on the other hand, are here and need their medications. MARKO: I'm sorry, I can't. [whispering] Your DEA number's been suspended. [Wilson is absolutely stunned.] [Diagnostics office. It's past lunch. House goes over the Ducklings' test results.] HOUSE: Why so sad? Still a chance that Chase got it right. [He holds up a test result sheet and pretends to read it.] HOUSE: Ohh! That was suspenseful for about two seconds. [Chase sh*t House a look.] HOUSE: Blood culture was negative for bacteria. [House drops the sheet on the glass table. Chase picks it up and reads it.] CHASE: Positive for Hepatitis A? HOUSE: [stroking his stubble] Hmm! I wonder who could've ordered that extra test? Must be somebody who knew what persistent vomiting, sudden distaste for nicotine and itchy feet have in common. FOREMAN: Hep-A doesn't explain the heart attck. HOUSE: No, but as Chase so deftly pointed out earlier, puking does. And Hep-A explains the puking. If this had been real-life, instead of just games... [He pulls the envelope from under the magnet, but is interrupted from going further by Wilson, who enters looking really spent and upset.] WILSON: The DEA just revoked my prescription privileges. HOUSE: But who's gonna prescribe my Vicodin? WILSON: [deadpan] Yes, well, that's why I'm here. This is a disaster for you. HOUSE: Relax. Tritter's just getting desperate. He's got no real evidence. He's trying to squeeze you into ratting. WILSON: I'm not gonna let him squeeze my patients. HOUSE: They'll be fine. Also your cancer medicine sucks anyway. WILSON: I'm gonna use your team to do my prescribing till this is straightened out. [He leaves.] HOUSE: [looking at the envelope in his hand] Suddenly this doesn't seem nearly as dramatic. [He drops the envelope on the table.] HOUSE: Go pump IVIG into the kid. Cure him and get him out of here. [He limps off towards his office.] [Cameron opens the envelope eagerly.] WILSON: Hep-A? CAMERON: [taken aback] No. "Chase - Blood test for bacteria. Foreman - MRI, too stubborn to check the lungs. Cameron - nice try, no spasm." [They all look puzzled at how he knew what tests they would perform.] [Aerial sht of PPTH. Day.] [Jack's room. Jack is reading a fairy-tale to Will, who sits on the bed with him. Kama sits nearby, writing in her diary.] JACK: "But the princess sat, and sat, and sat, [speaking towards Kama] pretending not to listen, pretending to write in her journal, with the flowers on it. Pretending she didn't like stories about eight-year-olds who save the world. KAMA: [smiling] I'm eleven. JACK: 'S why you can no longer save the world. WILL: [eagerly] I'm eight! JACK: [laughs] We're completely dependent on you. [Foreman enters cheerfully.] FOREMAN: [brightly] 'Morning! JACK: 'Morning. FOREMAN: Good news. We can take you off the IVIG. The Hep-A has cleared your system. You'll be good to go by tomorrow. [Will silently exults. Kama smiles. Foreman looks at Jack's chart.] JACK: So how do you think I got it? FOREMAN: Could have been contaminated food. Could have been from cleaning the bathrooms at work. Or it could've been... [He refrains from saying the other, less decent way of contracting Hep-A in front of the kids.] JACK: [smiling] Don't worry. They've heard it all. FOREMAN: [leaning closer to Jack, whispering] al [?] is a common way. [Jack chuckles.] FOREMAN: You should just tell the people that you've dated that they should get themselves checked. JACK: Uhh, don't worry. I've been too busy chasing after these guys to go spelunking. KAMA: [grinning] You're gross... [Jack chuckles. Will starts shuffling on the bed, looking at Jack's left arm.] KAMA: ... I think. WILL: Does your arm hurt? JACK: Arm's fine, bro. WILL: Then why is it bleeding? JACK: It's not, it's... [He holds up his left arm and is shocked to see blood pouring out from the IV patch (near a cool-looking tattoo). Foreman rushes over to the drawers.] FOREMAN: Raise your arm above your head! [Jack complies. Kama gets up, seeing blood now pouring out of Jack's right ear.] KAMA: [scared] Your ear... [Jack feels the bleed and covers his ear.] KAMA: ... and your nose! [Now blood comes flowing out of Jack's nose. He feels it and spits out some that has entered his mouth. Nearby, Will stands in fear. Foreman applies a bunch of tissues on Jack's nose to curb the bleeding. Kama stands helplessly nearby.] [Outside Jack's room. The bleeding stopped, Jack is resting, albeit uncomfortably. Kama watches him from outside.] FOREMAN: [vo] High PT and PTT in Jack's blood panel confirm a coagulopathy. HOUSE: So, we cured the Hep-A, something else pops up. Interesting. [He puts his cane on top of the whiteboard and pulls out a marker, cancelling out "HEP A". His right arm seems to be paining.] HOUSE: What infections cause DIC? CAMERON: You okay? HOUSE: [rubbing his shoulder] Hurt my shoulder playing Fantasy Football. [He writes DIC on the board.] HOUSE: Should we discuss what causes DIC or should we just send the kid back to his miserable life? FOREMAN: He's not miserable. HOUSE: Right. He's thrilled that his parents are dad and his life is over. CAMERON: The restaurant's prob'ly teeming with E. Coli, Eikenella and strep. [House takes out his Vicodin bottle and shakes it. Not many remaining.] CAMERON: Kids don't wash their hands between a potty and the party and... CHASE: Or it's a food borne toxin. Jack eats at that cesspool everyday. FOREMAN: [skeptically] Jack's the only one who got sick? [House dry-swallows a Vicodin.] FOREMAN: Kid's got tattoos, piercings and probably some nasty little girl loaned him the Hep-A. Could've also given him syphilis or gonorrhea. [Wilson enters, looking tired.] WILSON: I need one of you. HOUSE: Take Cameron. [to her] Your idea was dumb anyway. [With a petty look on her face, she leaves with Wilson.] HOUSE: Chase, I need you to head back to that "cesspool" and get me the kid's puke. [rubs his shoulder] Foreman, doan LP and have Cameron run down that potty-party theory. CHASE: Why don't I just test him? HOUSE: [shiftily] Let's not discuss this in front of the help. [He jerks his head towards his office and goes there. Chase and Foreman exchange a look. Foreman leaves.] [House's office. House sits at his table. Chase stands in front of him.] HOUSE: The amount of vomiting that kid did, would be enough toxins left in his system to show up in his blood. Since he vomited in the toilet here, instead of on somebody, that restaurant's our only source of essential vomit. CHASE: [suspicious] And you couldn't say that in front of Foreman? HOUSE: No. I couldn't say this in front of Foreman. [pulls out his near-empty Vicodin bottle] I need a refill. CHASE: Detective Tritter knows about the scrips I wrote before. HOUSE: Exactly. You stop now, it'll look suspicious. CHASE: Does anyone fall for that argument? HOUSE: Write the scrip. CHASE: [firm] No. HOUSE: One prescription isn't gonna... CHASE: We both know it's not gonna be just one. I'd rather lose my job than lose my license. [House glares at him. Chase leaves. House holds up the bottle, contemplating.] [Wilson's office. Wilson goes over the prescriptions he needs Cameron to write.] WILSON: [reading from a file] Daniel Silvers. Prostate cancer. Needs filgrastim, two weeks' supply. [opens another file] Andrea Donovan. Breast cancer. Just needs her refill of megestrol. [He notices she's only looking at him.] WILSON: You're not writing. CAMERON: You want me to write? WILSON: Well, you could phone them in, but eventually... yeah. Probably somebody's gonna want something written down. CAMERON: [balking] I... haven't met these people. WILSON: I have. I've diagnosed them and everything. CAMERON: I know. [off Wilson's look] I know! I'm not saying I don't trust you. WILSON: Just my diagnosis. CAMERON: These are gonna be my prescriptions. WILSON: [getting upset] They're my patients. My prescriptions. CAMERON: My name! That Tritter will read on the scrip. He wants to make you miserable, you don't think he's gonna ask questions? [Wilson sighs and wipes his face.] [Outside Arcade/Restaurant. Chase is talking to Ralphie (in squirrel costume, sans the head), in front of the dumpsters.] CHASE: Is there anything Jack does that no one else does? Anything special duties? RALPHIE: [looking into the dumpsters] No, we got lots of bussers. CHASE: What kinda cleaning products do you use? RALPHIE: Well, we got a buncha kids running around, sticking everything in their mouths, so we can't use anything toxic. [He finds the dumpster he's looking for.] RALPHIE: That's it. [hands the squirrel head to Chase] Monday's trash. [He opens the dumpster lid fully and the one beside that as well. Chase looks a bit disgusted at the contents, with flies buzzing around.] CHASE: So there's no one who can maybe help get the bags out? RALPHIE: [smiling] Sorry. Short-handed. CHASE: I can tip. RALPHIE: I'm pretty sure Jack's puke is in a blue trashbag with the wrapped gifts, but if you find spaghetti, that's the wrong vomit. [Patting Chase's shoulder, he leaves. Chase puts on his rubber gloves. He pulls out a trashbag, causing its liquid contents to come flowing out through a hole in the bag. He drops it in disgust.] [Clinic. Wilson is speaking to a cancer patient. She has a scarf around her head. Cameron sits on a chair in a corner.] PATIENT (BETH): How much longer do I have to stay on this medication? I mean, I'm nauseous all the time. Maybe I should go back on the tamoxifen. WILSON: [encouragingly] You're doing so much better on the anefresol[?], Beth. I'm reluctant to make a change. BETH: [upset] I can't play with my daughter or pick her up from school. I can barely get up and tuck her in at night. There's got to be something else. [takes a sideways glance at Cameron.] Who is she? WILSON: Well, as you know, this is a teaching hospital. BETH: She's a student? CAMERON: [sitting upright] No, I'm a doctor. [Beth turns to look at her.] CAMERON: I'm assisting Dr. Wilson today. BETH: Why? Do you think he got my diagnosis wrong? CAMERON: [uh-oh] No, I'm sure... [Beth turns to face Wilson.] WILSON: No. No. She's just consulting regarding my... prescriptions. BETH: [turning to Cameron, incredulous] You think he got my meds wrong? CAMERON: [deer in the headlights] No... it's just... WILSON: [defensively] No! BETH: [turns back to Wilson] Then why is she here? [Wilson doesn't answer. He looks at Cameron.] [Jack's room. Foreman is preparing to perform the lumbar puncture on Jack. He pushes the needle into Jack's back. Kama comes up to look.] KAMA: What are you doing now? FOREMAN: Gonna get a sample of your brother's spinal fluid. Where's Will? KAMA: School. [Foreman frowns and goes back to the LP.] KAMA: Is that gonna hurt? FOREMAN: It's gonna help us figure out what's making him sick. Shouldn't you be in class too? KAMA: Teacher workday. FOREMAN: [always the skeptic] For you, but not Will? KAMA: Yeah. Didn't make sense to me, either. [Foreman gets back to the LP.] KAMA: Can I help? FOREMAN: [thinks] Well, I guess it's quicker than calling a nurse... and a truant officer. 'Kay, grab his shins, push his knees up towards his chest. [She does as told. Jack grimaces.] FOREMAN: Now hold them there tight. KAMA: This all nurses do? [Foreman prepares to collect the spinal fluid sample.] FOREMAN: [chuckles] My boss doesn't trust them to do anything else. [The sample is being collected. Kama looks at Jack. He's breathing heavily.] KAMA: Is he gonna die? [Foreman looks at her.] FOREMAN: No. No one's gonna die. KAMA: [smart-ass] In the whole world ever? That's so great. FOREMAN: [chuckles] I meant... KAMA: I know what you meant. But I also know bad things do happen. My dad always had a few drinks whenever he went out. Always said it'd be okay to drive. [shrugs sadly] Until it wasn't. I would just like some mourning this time. [Foreman looks at Kama, sympathetically.] FOREMAN: We're nowhere near anything like that happening right now. [Kama nods slowly.] FOREMAN: Okay? [Foreman places the sample on the nearby cart. He places his hand on Jack's side to roll him on his back.] FOREMAN: Let's get him back over. [He starts to pull Jack's side slowly.] [CGI POV: Fast zoom into Jack's right side. The rib snaps clean off.] [Jack yells out in pain, giving Foreman a start.] KAMA: What was that?! What'd you do? [She looks accusingly at Foreman, as Jack moans in pain.] [Physical Therapy room. House is getting his right arm rotated slowly by a nurse. Foreman stands in front of him.] HOUSE: You broke his rib? FOREMAN: I barely touched him. HOUSE: Which means... [a slight cracking sound is heard] Oww! NURSE: [smug] Found it. HOUSE: Fix it! Osteomyelitis. Means the infection's spread to his bones. Which means it's either bacterial or viral and not... [grimaces and yells] Oww! [to the nurse] I hired you to take away the pain. Is there some confusion? NURSE: Ever thought about using your cane one the proper side? HOUSE: Yeah, that's the issue. Friday night, my cane suddenly noticed it was on the wrong side. [He makes eyes at Foreman, who smirks.] HOUSE: [to Foreman] Can you score me some Vicodin? FOREMAN: [without hesitation] No. I did a needle aspiration to confirm whether... HOUSE: How long till the cultures...? [The nurse pulls his arm back. House throws his head back and whoops in pain.] HOUSE: Why do you only do that when I'm talking. [The nurse releases his arm.] NURSE: You gotta rest your shoulder. [House reaches for his cane, but the nurse grabs it from him.] HURSE: And we're gonna get you on some different equipment. [House looks at Foreman in disbelief. Foreman smiles back.] [PPTH lab. Chase and Cameron are performing tests, when House enters, his right arm in a sling, his left arm resting on a new cane - a metal one with four prongs. Foreman enters with him as well. Cameron looks up from her microscope at him and then at his new acquisition.] CAMERON: Nice cane. HOUSE: [salaciously] If I know what you mean. [exaggerated wink] Chase you can stop doing that. CHASE: I'm almost finished. FOREMAN: He's got osteomyelitis. Means you're wrong about food-borne toxins. [He crosses over to the printer and pulls out a printout.] FOREMAN: Aaaand... [to Cameron] You can stop too. It's syphilis. CAMERON: You sure? [looks in the microscope again] FOREMAN: [holding out the paper] Read the printout. [She grabs it and looks at it, surprised. She looks at her results in dismay.] CAMERON: He's also positive for Eikenella. [House looks at an equally confused Foreman. He goes and looks into Cameron's microscope to verify.] CHASE: One of you two screwed up. FOREMAN: No. CAMERON: [defensively] Not a chance. HOUSE: [looking back up] Or this kid is a lot sicker than we thought. [to Chase] Finish that test. Should be impossible to get two right answers to one question. FOREMAN: It's okay to have three? [Foreman also takes a look into Cameron's microscope. House moves behind Chase to look at his results.] CHASE: Apparently, he's positive for botulism too. [The monitor shows the results of Chase's test.] HOUSE: Sooo... we knock down one infection and three more pop up. [The Ducklings look up at him.] HOUSE: I think this game is rigged. [Jack's room. Jack lies in bed, while Kama sits beside him. Suddenly, Jack's eyes roll up and he starts seizing. Kama goes over to him.] KAMA: Jack? [panicked] Somebody help! [Two nurses run over; one attends to Jack, while the other pulls Kama outside.] FOREMAN: [vo] We managed to clear all three infections out of his system, but now he's having seizures every few hours. [House's office. House lies on the floor, rotating his right arm. The Ducklings stand around him.] HOUSE: He's gotta be immuno-compromised. CHASE: No. White count was normal and he was negative for HIV. HOUSE: Well, if he's not immuno-compromised, why is he acting like he's immuno-compromised? What do the seizures tell us? FOREMAN: Nothing. There were no structural abnormalities on the CT. Non-focal neuro exam. No electrolyte imbalance. Nothing. HOUSE: What do unexplained seizures and really sick eighteen-year-olds have in common? FOREMAN: You're thinking trauma? HOUSE: [lifting his head up, clutching his shoulder] I'm thinking drugs. [gets up] He's an admitted user. Drugs crashed his immune system. [He tosses the red-and-grey fuzzball to Chase.] CAMERON: Tox screen was clean. HOUSE: [putting on his suit] Clean tox screen means there's no drugs in his blood or urine. There could still be drugs trapped in his fat cells from the good old days. CHASE: If they were in his fat, why would they be affecting him now? HOUSE: A keen observer would notice that he's had some digestive issues lately. [He struggles to put on the sling on his right arm. Cameron helps him out.] HOUSE: His weight loss could've brned off fat cells and released the drugs back into his system. [It's time for the weekly uncomfortable moment with Cameron. This one lasts 6 seconds.] FOREMAN: 'S no way to know. It's impossible to test fat cells for drugs. HOUSE: But it's not impossible to make him lose more weight. CHASE: You want us to starve him, so we can drive him into another seizure and maybe a heart attck, just so we canrun another tox screen? HOUSE: That'd be cruel. Just sweat it out of him. [PPTH sauna room. Jack sits in the sauna, which is going at full blast. Three scrubs-clad Sweat-Glazed Ducklings sit around him. Jack is wearing a towel and a monkey cap.] JACK: I haven't touched a thing since the night my parents died. FOREMAN: [too steamed to talk] Drugs stay in your system a long time. [Jack shakes a bit. The Ducklings look at him, but no dice.] JACK: I was high the night the cops came to tell us what had happened. You know the first thing I did when they told me? I laughed. I'm not the person I was when they died. I wish they could see that. CHASE: I'm sure that they're watching and I'm sure they're proud. JACK: That's what Will's guidance counsellor keeps telling me. FOREMAN: What do you tell him? JACK: I tell him it's crap. Our parents live on in our memories, they don't live on. [Five seconds later, Jack's eyes roll up and he falls to the floor, seizing. The Ducklings rush to help him.] CHASE: Jack? CAMERON: Hold him still! [Foreman holds Jack's left arm tightly.] CHASE: Don't break his arm! CAMERON: We'll fix it. We need to get a sample. [Cameron gets the sample and tries to stop Jack's head from convulsing so much.] [PPTH hallway. A sweaty Foreman walks up to House (still with the four-pronged cane). House is signing something at the pharmacy.] FOREMAN: House! Bad news. HOUSE: Look at you. Couldn't have sent Cameron down here to this air-conditioned hallway to deliver the bad news? FOREMAN: Jack seized again. But his blood was clean, completely drug-free. HOUSE: So he just happened to have a seizure at the exact time that we stuck him in a sauna. [As they walk, they are passed by an elderly gentleman, using a normal cane.] FOREMAN: It's not a coincidence. He's still seizing every four hours whether we stick him in a sauna or not. [House stumbles as he tries to use the new cane. He turns to the elderly guy at the elevator.] HOUSE: [dramatic] Oh my God! Why're you using that? ELDERLY GUY: I've had it for years. HOUSE: No, that's... [shakes his head] that's gonna make your shoulder hurt. You need one of these. [He thumps his new cane in front of the man and takes his (elderly guy's) cane from him. He rips off the sling and starts walking with Foreman, cane in the right hand.] FOREMAN: [to elderly guy] He's a doctor. [gives him a thumbs-up] HOUSE: Is he still infection-free? [chucks away the sling] FOREMAN: I'm sure not for long. HOUSE: My point being, did something other than those infections cause those seizures? Means there's something in his head. Scan him. FOREMAN: We scanned him. HOUSE: Well, that was then. This is "not then". Kid keeps changing. Scan him again. Where is Cameron? [PPTH locker room. Cameron is looking into her locker as she speaks to House.] CAMERON: I'm not writing you a scrip for Vicodin. HOUSE: I've only got two pills left. CAMERON: [tying up her hair] Cut 'em in half. Then you'll have four. HOUSE: You're prescribing for Wilson. Wilson prescribes for me. Write up the scrip. CAMERON: [arms on hips] You know you have a problem. HOUSE: Yeah, it's got a badge and everything. CAMERON: You're taking too much... HOUSE: [exasperated] Fine! You're right! What's the correct amount? Write up a scrip for the correct amount. [A bat.] HOUSE: No answer? That's 'cause we're having the wrong debate. [picks up her sweaty scrubs and hands them to her] This has got nothing to do with my problem and everything to do with you avoiding the problem. You're afraid that if you write me a prescription, you're gonna wind up like Wilson. CAMERON: [indignant] Of course I am. HOUSE: Tritter wants to win by giving pain. Do you really wanna be a part of that? As a doctor, how do you do that? [Cameron looks at House, mulling over his little guilt-inducing speech. With a sigh, she turns to her locker and pulls out a bottle of pills.] CAMERON: [closing her locker] Here. [tosses the pills to House] This'll tide you over. Takes the edge of my PMS. Do wonders for you. [She walks out, leaving House downcast.] [MRI Room. The Ducklings are in the adjoining room. Foreman goes over to Jack, who's lying on the MRI table.] JACK: Why are you looking at my head again? FOREMAN: Seizures usually indicate something neurological. JACK: [more a statement than a question] I'm not gonna get better, am I? FOREMAN: We'll know more after the test. JACK: If y'all found out I couldn't take care of Will and Kama... FOREMAN: Let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay? You'll be home, yelling at 'em and kicking their butts before you know it. [Foreman hits the switch. Jack slowly gets pulled into the MRI. Foreman goes back to the adjoining room to join Chase and Cameron, who are looking over the results.] FOREMAN: This kid might be facing a terminal disease and he's more worried about his brother and sister. CHASE: [looking at monitor] Brain stem's clean. CAMERON: [looking at her monitor] Nothing in the mid-brain. FOREMAN: [looking at Chase's monitor] What's that? Frontal lobe, upper right quadrant. CAMERON: I don't see anything. FOREMAN: [pointing to a white spot] There. It's tiny, but... think it's a tumour. CHASE: That size should be excisable. Why didn't we see it earlier? How...? CAMERON: [looking at her monitor] Oh God. Axial view, there's another one. Bring up the next slice. [Chase does. The next slice shows multiple small white spots scattered across.] FOREMAN: [sighs ominously] They're everywhere. [House's office. The Ducklings report to House. House holds a hot-water bag to his right shoulder.] FOREMAN: Jack's brain is riddled with tumours. And you know what he's doing? HOUSE: Moaning? FOREMAN: Setting up playdates. HOUSE: Wow, whattaguy! Theories? [Foreman looks disappointed.] CAMERON: The obvious one. Brain cancer destroyed his immune system, left him wide open for these infections. FOREMAN: House, you're pathetic. You analyse anyone's faults, hypocrisies, weaknesses. But this kid's got some strength and, all of a sudden, there's no time to talk about anything but the medicine. HOUSE: He's teaching prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't and life sucks. I like him. Treatment? CHASE: We need to start him on radiation. HOUSE: It'll destroy whatever's left of his immune system. FOREMAN: [frustrated] And save his life! I know the notion of self-sacrifice is foreign to you... HOUSE: You wanna think that he's sacrificing himself because if one person could do it, then maybe the world isn't a cold, selfish place you know that it is. [He gets up and picks up Cameron's PMS meds (Hydrocodone) from the table. It sounds quite a few pills less.] HOUSE: Radiation could kll him. Alternatives? CHASE: There aren't any. We saw the tumours. HOUSE: We could choose to say they aren't tumours. They're just pus. Which would explain why they weren't there yesterday. CAMERON: It can't be an infection. He got IVIG, broad-spectrum antibiotics... HOUSE: Exactly. Creates a perfect world for fungus. [Foreman rolls his eyes in disbelief.] HOUSE: Moves in, gets married and little fungi. FOREMAN: If you're wrong about the fungus, you're wasting what little time he has left. HOUSE: Not a big sacrifice. His life sucks. So let's be right. Go stick a needle in the kid's head. You suck out a liquid, then I'm right and we haven't answered anything. You suck out a solid, you're right. No more worrying about playdates. [He pops a couple of Hydrocodone. He shakes the bottle - it's empty already. He tosses the bottle into the trash.] [Cuddy's office. Cuddy's on the couch, reading something when House barges in.] HOUSE: Okay, fine! I'll father your child. [Cuddy stops short of asking him if he's high.] HOUSE: First you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay. CUDDY: [oh, she's enjoying this!] How many days do you have left? HOUSE: [pretends to think] Uhh, I could probably get through maybe... [tilts his head to the right] next minute or so. CUDDY: And your coming to me means your lackeys actually stood up to you. I'm impressed. HOUSE: [nods] Yes. Their cowardice is inspiring. CUDDY: Well, you should be thanking them. If they caved, it'd give the cops evidence that you intimidated underlings to feed your addiction. [She gets up from the couch and moves over to the table.] HOUSE: [sighs] I hate writing "Thank You" notes. Would it be weird if I asked Cameron to write them? [Cuddy gives him a stare and then pulls out her prescription booklet.] HOUSE: [can't believe it] You're hooking me up? CUDDY: Unfortunately, if I cut you off, it'd give the cops evidence that you don't really need the pain meds. HOUSE: [overjoyed] I knew that cleavage was a smokescreen. You're a genius. [He comes up to the desk and, with a grimace, reaches for the scrip with a bent right arm.] CUDDY: [pulls back the scrip] You can't lift your arm? HOUSE: [state-the-obvious contest] You can't pee standing up. Gimme. CUDDY: You been doing physio? Maybe you pulled... HOUSE: Yeah, been training for Pants-Off Dance-Off. Gimme the scrip. CUDDY: Your shoulder problem isn't physical. HOUSE: [exasperated] Well, we'll find out if you ever give me the... CUDDY: What's new? What's different? Any big changes in your life recently? Fight with the wife maybe? [House looks at her. He's thinking.] CUDDY: It's good. Means your shoulder's a human being. It's a start. [House has an epiphany!] CUDDY: [smiling] I'm right, right? HOUSE: Yeah! Just not about me. [He starts to limp off, leaving Cuddy still holding the scrip. He turns and snatches it from her and limps outside.] [Diagnostics office. Foreman enters the office, in scrubs, followed by Chase. House turns to them, waiting for an answer.] HOUSE: I was right, right? FOREMAN: They were abscesses from a fungal infection. Aspergillis. But we still have no idea why. HOUSE: [sighs] Our kid's immune-system has a factory defect. It's genetic. CAMERON: It can't be genetic. He would've been getting infections since he was an infant. HOUSE: Not if he grew up in a bubble. CHASE: Or if he grew up on Mars. No germs there either. HOUSE: I don't mean a literal bubble. A sweet, suburban bubble, where the mommies and daddies protect their children. They die, bubble bursts. Continuing emotional trauma triggers a genetic illness. Question is: which one? [hangs his cane on the whiteboard] The infections he's contracted narrowed down the possibilities. [writes on whiteboard] Hep-A indicates a problem with his B-cells. CHASE: Bruton's Agammaglobulinemia. HOUSE: [writes] Eikenella. FOREMAN: Points to complement deficiency. [The door opens. They turn to see Wilson entering.] WILSON: I have a patient. I need... HOUSE: [turning to his whiteboard] Not now! CAMERON: I'll go. [turns to leave] HOUSE: You'll stay. [Cameron stops.] HOUSE: Patient's dying. WILSON: So's mine. HOUSE: Not in the next hour. [Cameron seems torn.] HOUSE: What does the syphilis tell us? [Cameron doesn't answer.] HOUSE: [turning to her, loudly] What does it tell us?! CAMERON: [sighs] It could mean Chronic Granulomatous Disease. [Wilson drops his head. He leaves.] CHASE: The Aspergillis is a T-cell issue. Common Variable Immunodeficiency. [pauses to watch Wilson walk out] [House turns around to chew him out for slowing down.] CHASE: [quickly] Genetic testing's gonna take time. Given the rate he's picked up infections... HOUSE: Why don't we turn it into a race? FOREMAN: Little late to be playing games with us. HOUSE: Not you guys, the infections. CAMERON: What infections? HOUSE: The infections we're gonna give him. [Jack's room. House has explained the "procedure" to Jack.] JACK: The only way to cure me is to make me sicker? HOUSE: Each of the possible four genetic conditions is most susceptible to different types of infections. [House pulls out a spritzer.] JACK: [unsure] What's that? HOUSE: This is a cocktail of serratia, meningococcis, cepacia and rhinovirus. Whichever germ gains the most ground, plants the flag with its leader, gives us our answer. JACK: And how are you gonna know which one gains the most ground? HOUSE: Now that's the fun part. See if the meningococcis is King of the Hill, you get to have another seizure. Serratia will shut down your lungs. If it's cepacia, you'll have a heart attck. If it's the rhinovirus,... you'll sneeze. [shrugs] Can't all be dramatic. We good? JACK: [scared witless] Hell no. HOUSE: Only alternative is we guess. And there's a three-out-of-four chance that your little brother and sister will get to cry over another coffin. [Jack looks at him in disbelief.] HOUSE: Study fractions in school? [repeating] We good? [Jack thinks, then sighs and nods. Covering his nose and mouth, House spritzes Jack's face with the cocktail. Jack coughs. House starts to walk out, but turns.] HOUSE: [conspiratorially] Oh, and this... test isn't exactly FDA-approved. So, just keep it our little secret. Okay? [Jack looks like he's about to have all the fore-mentioned symptoms except the sneeze. House leaves.] [Jack's room. Jack lies motionless in bed. Chase brings him a box of tissues, then sits down and starts reading a magazine. His hand reaches below to pick out another magazine from the pile of mags.] [Time lapse. The hand that picks up the magazine belongs to Cameron. She opens the mag and reads. Jack starts coughing. The coughing gets a bit more violent, but subsides. Cameron goes over to attend to him.] [Time lapse. Foreman is now watching over Jack. Suddenly, Jack's back arches outwards and he wheezes loudly. The monitors start beeping.] [CGI POV: Zoom into Jack's chest and then into his lungs. His lungs are shutting down. Zoom out of his mouth.] [Foreman is pushing a tongue depressor into his mouth and using a flashlight to look into his throat. Foreman quickly puts an oxygen mask on Jack.] [House's office. It's raining outside. House sits at his desk, eating a doughnut. Cuddy enters.] CUDDY: Ahem. Little Orphan Annie and Oliver Twist slept in our hallways last night. HOUSE: [mouth-full] Were they seen? CUDDY: They're children, they need a guardian. HOUSE: He couldn't find a baby-sitter. On account of not being able to make any phone calls on account of not being able to breathe on account of his lungs filling up with serratia. He has Chronic Granulomatosis Disease. Game over. My work is done. CUDDY: Then he's gonna keep getting sick. You gotta call Social Services. HOUSE: Bone marrow transplant would reboot his whole immune-system. He'll be healthy enough to win Miserable-Daddy-of-the-Year. CUDDY: So see if one of his kids is a match. HOUSE: My kids are already testing his kids. FOREMAN: [vo] Will's a match. [Jack's room. Foreman speaks to Jack.] JACK: You tested him? I never consented for that. FOREMAN: [?]. There's no danger. JACK: To the testing. What about the surgery? FOREMAN: The risk for Will? 'S next to nothing. JACK: [sighs] What if I don't do it? What are my other options? FOREMAN: You're immune-system can't fight off the germs we all come into contact with everyday. Now that we know, we can use more targeted medications. But you'll still get sick all the time. You'll be in and out of hospitals... JACK: But I'll live. FOREMAN: Jack, your life-span will be substantially shortened. And you'll be too sick to care for your brother and sister anymore. JACK: You shouldn't have pressured him into doing... FOREMAN: There's no pressure. JACK: He's eight years old! You tell him his brother's dying, unless he helps. What do you think he's gonna say? FOREMAN: He wants to help you. JACK: He has no idea. It's like you asked him to let me play with one of his toys. This is surgery. He could die. FOREMAN: He'll be fine. But you... [sighs] You're gonna have a hard time protecting him like this if you're dad. JACK: [thinks] I'll do it... [Foreman perks up.] JACK: [continuing] ...when Will's eighteen and can decide for himself. [With a resigned look, Foreman nods.] [House's office. Thunder can be heard outside. Foreman speaks to House about his feelings on this case. House is looking outside the window.] FOREMAN: [shaking his head] Noble. HOUSE: Moronic. [Foreman looks at him.] HOUSE: It's a synonym. FOREMAN: Why can't you accept he wants to protect his brother? HOUSE: _Has_ to protect his brother. Doesn't want to. Wants to run screaming from protecting his brother. FOREMAN: [shakes his head] You're a hypocrite. [smirks wrily, exaggeratedly imitating House] "Evidence is everything. Truth is all that matters." [now himself] Except when it comes to people. Everything we've learned about this kid says you're wrong, [playing with fuzzball] but you can't accept that. It's easy to reject the diagnosis. Not so easy to reject your misanthropy. Because then you'd have to give people a fighting chance. And that... scares the crap out of you. [House considers it and nods.] HOUSE: Okay. [pulls his suit off his chair and grabs his cane] Let's get some evidence. [Picking up a red file, he leaves. Foreman follows confused.] [Jack's room. House strides inside, followed by Foreman.] HOUSE: It's your lucky day! I just found another donor in the registry. Perfect match. We can do the transplant, no danger to the rugrat. [puts the red file in front of him] Just have to sign here. [Jack doesn't move, he only looks at the file. House exchanges a glance with Foreman.] HOUSE: Unless there's another reason you don't want it. JACK: There's a chance I'd die. HOUSE: [shrugs] Chance you'd be cured. Maybe you don't want that either. Maybe hanging out in a hospital, getting waited on hand and foot reminds you what life used to be like before you were forced to play Mr. Mom. JACK: I don't like being sick. HOUSE: But you don't like being healthy either. [Jack lowers his head.] HOUSE: This is your way out. Guilt-free. JACK: I said I'd do it when Will's eighteen. HOUSE: When he's able to take care of himself, without you. FOREMAN: Jack, your brother and sister need you. JACK: [yelling] I know! I know every second of every day that they need me, but I'm too young to be their dad! [Foreman looks at him sadly.] HOUSE: [quietly] Good for you. [House starts limping out.] HOUSE: [as he passes Foreman, whispering] Don't pretend you're so surprised. [Foreman looks at Jack, who starts to cry. Foreman leaves.] [Wilson's office. Wilson is at his desk, writing letters and putting them in A4-sized yellow envelopes. House pokes his head into the room.] HOUSE: Wanna go throw stuff on people off the balcony? [Wilson doesn't say anything. He continues working with pursed lips. House enters.] HOUSE: C'mon. Mail can wait. WILSON: I'm referring my patients to other oncologists. I'm shutting down my practice. HOUSE: [cynically] Oh good! I was afraid you would overreact. WILSON: [yelling angrily] I can't just ask my patients to wait because Dr. Cameron's boss won't let her come out and play! HOUSE: Kept you waiting for maybe an hour. WILSON: [yelling louder] Three hours! HOUSE: Anybody die? WILSON: [loudly] Not this time! HOUSE: Well, Cameron's available now. Use her all you want. [House sits down.] WILSON: Oh, so now's a better time for me to have my life taken away if it fits into your schedule better? HOUSE: [rubbing his shoulder] Oh, poor you. Think if you suffer loudly enough... WILSON: [almost screaming out in rage] YOU COMMITTED A CRIME!! HOUSE: What do you want me to do? Turn myself in? WILSON: YES!! YES! Do something! Go in! Show some remorse! Tell Tritter you'll get some help! HOUSE: [upset] I don't need help! WILSON: [calming down, just about] House, get out of here. Get out of here. HOUSE: You're not gonna make _me_ feel guilty about what Tritter is doing... to us. [gets up to leave] WILSON: [laughs humourlessly] You already feel guilty. Your serious shoulder pain... isn't coming from your cane, it's coming from your conscience. And that used to be enough. Despite all your smart-ass remarks, I knew you gave a damn. This time, [shrugs] you were either gonna help me through this or you weren't. I got my answer. [House looks at him awhile and walks out. Wilson goes back to his referrals.] [Nurse's station. Foreman stands at the station, looking into Jack's room, watching Jack say goodbye to his siblings. Will sits beside Jack. Kama stands near the door. There's a social worker standing at the door.] WILL: Who's gonna drive me to school? Help me with my homework? [Now inside Jack's room.] JACK: There'll be a mom, where they take you. Real mom. Someone who can cook. [Will and Kama's eyes glisten with tears.] JACK: Don't worry. I'll still be able to see you guys. [Will embraces him and gets off the bed. Kama comes forward. She's too choked up to speak. Jack shakes his head, wordlessly telling her not to cry. He holds her arm encouragingly. She gives him a tiny smile and goes with the social worker. Jack struggles not to break down as they leave.] [At the nurse's station, Foreman is moved by this sequence of events. Kama comes up to him.] KAMA: [voice breaking] You said you'd make him better. FOREMAN: I'm sorry. [Kama leaves. Foreman goes to Jack's room.] [Jack's room. Jack sees Foreman enter.] JACK: [choking] Thank you... for not telling them. FOREMAN: You're a good kid. Three months from now, [shrugs] six months from now, you'll be visiting them and you won't be able to say goodbye. You're gonna know you screwed up. You'll take his bone marrow and you'll take 'em back. [sighs] They'll be a burden and a pain, and your life will never be what it was supposed to be.But you'll be proud of yourself. Your parents [nods] gonna be proud of you. [Jack considers this for a while.] JACK: I don't think so. FOREMAN: [sighs, then smirks and shrugs] It's what I wanna believe. [With that, he walks out slowly, sliding the door shut behind him. Jack looks absolutely desolate.] [Outside PPTH. Night. It's windy and cold, after the thunderstorm. Wilson cuts a forlorn figure, sitting on a wet bench near the bus stop sign. House's bike pulls up. Wilson watches it stop in front of him. House and Wilson look at each other for a while. Then Wilson looks down and House drives off. Wilson drops his head.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x08 - Whack-a-mole"}	foreverdreaming
[Carnival. Day. Kids scream in delight as they go on the rides. Rob Hartman brings his six-year-old daughter, Alice, up to a height-measuring sign, to see if she's big enough to go on the rides.] ROB: Alright, stand here. [He gently backs her up against the sign and squats to measure. He beams at her.] ROB: You're just tall enough. [She turns and looks at the ride that he's interested in. It's called the Kite Flyer. It's like a Whirly-Go-Round. Kids scream as they whirl. Alice seems afraid.] ALICE: Uh, I don't- I don't think I am. ROB: It just goes around. There's nothing to be scared of. ALICE: I didn't say I was scared. ROB: You'll be fine. C'mon, when I was a kid, this was my favourite thing [big-eyed] ever! [He gets up and, taking her hand, starts walking towards the ride. She tries to pull him back.] ALICE: I don't like rides! [Rob looks back and seems a bit disappointed. He squats in front of her.] ROB: Alright, alright, I just thought- I thought it's be fun. I-I shouldn't be making you do this. Uhh, let's- let's go home, we can have fun at home. [He gets up and starts to walk in the opposite direction.] ALICE: [guilty] No, daddy, wait. [She looks at the ride.] ALICE: The ride does look like fun. [Kite Flyer. The two of them are strapped and held in place, in a prone position, in their places. The rode has started. Rob is having fun; same cannot be said of Alice, though.] ROB: Whoa! This is awesome! [Alice seems nervous and uncomfortable.] [ALICE'S POV: The ride moving faster as it picks up speed. Screams can be heard.] [She looks to her left.] [ALICE'S POV: Things now appear blurred and slow to her.] [She suddenly starts screaming at high-pitch - for a long time. Rob, figuring something's wrong, looks over to her.] ROB: Alice? Are you alright? [She continues screaming, even as the ride comes to a halt. The other riders wonder what's going on.] ROB: Honey, you alright? Alice! Alice, are you okay?! [The high-pitched screaming continues as we...] [PPTH. Alice's room. Alice is lying in a bed, flanked by her parents. Cameron is there, tending to her.] ROB: Nothing happened. EDIE: Something happened. ROB: [defensive] It was a little kiddie-ride. EDIE: She hates those rides. I don't understand why you insist on making her... CAMERON: Okay! I appreciate the fullness of your answers, but I just wanted to know if she'd had any history of abdominal problems. ROB: [simultaneously] No. EDIE: [simultaneously] No. CAMERON: The admitting doctor noted no family history of... EDIE: I have an aunt with Crohn's disease. [to Rob] You didn't mention that? ROB: [shrugging] I-I forgot what it was called. Your aunt, she's got million things wrong with her. EDIE: If you paid attention for five minutes... CAMERON: I doubt it's Crohn's. She has none of the other symptoms... EDIE: [to Rob] You're alone with her for eight hours, she ends up in the hospital. CAMERON: I'm wondering if we can focus on answering the questions, Mrs. Hartman? EDIE: [correcting] I'm not Mrs. Hartman. We're divorced. [Rob smiles wrily.] CAMERON: [under her breath] I suspected. [Alice looks at the three of them from her bed.] [Cuddy's office. She's at her desk, talking to a couple of prospective financial donors.] CUDDY: ...And your past generosity made me think of you. [As she speaks, a big red laser dot appears on her forehead. She's unaware of it, but the donors are perplexed by it. No prizes for guessing the "snper". It's House, of course, sitting on the nurse's station counter, flashing a laser pointer through the door, onto her forehead.] CUDDY: We're half a million dollars from our goal. Of course, this is a naming opportunity for your foundation. [The donors look at the dot. Cuddy stops, seeing their nonplussed expressions.] CUDDY: Is-is there a problem? FEMALE DONOR: [gesturing] There's something on your, uh, face. [Cuddy tries to brush the "something" away, only for the "something" to drop down to her cleavage.] FEMALE DONOR: [awkwardly] It-It's, uh... ahem. [Cuddy sees the dot and looks up at the "snper", pretty much guessing who it is. She sees House aiming the laser pointer at her. The donors look back to see as well.] CUDDY: [quietly seething] 'Scuse me. [She gets up, now allowing the dot to aim at her crotch. The female donor gasps at the sight.] CUDDY: [sighing] Oh, God. [She walks out with the dot still on her.] [PPTH lobby. She opens her door and walks over to the nurse's station, speaking to House.] CUDDY: I'm sitting in there, hoping it's a snper, because at least then the sociopath isn't my employee. [House finally turns off the pointer.] HOUSE: [holding it up] This baby won me second place in the clinic's weekly "Weirdest Thing Pulled Out An Orifice" contest. CUDDY: [mock-pleading, her fingers an inch apart] I am this close to putting a new lab in Oncology. HOUSE: You do not wanna know what came in first. CUDDY: [pissed] House... HOUSE: Rhymes with "fucchini". [Cuddy walks over to the Pharmacy.] CUDDY: Gimme his pills. [House limps over. Cuddy gets the pills in a cup and, smilingly, hands it to House.] HOUSE: [with a quizzical look] Where's my prescription? CUDDY: No more free-flowing prescriptions. Princeton PD is already forced Wilson to shut down. HOUSE: A cop says "Boo", Wilson shuts down. CUDDY: Every doctor in this place is afraid to make a move, without covering his ass. HOUSE: You think maybe you're shouting at the wrong person? Tritter's obviously out to get me. He doesn't care... [Cuddy comes up close to him, whispering conspiratorially.] CUDDY: You forged prescriptions! HOUSE: Allegedly. CUDDY: Your pain has become my pain. From now on, you get reasonable doses at reasonable times. HOUSE: But I hurt in an unreasonable way. CUDDY: Then dip into your secret stash. HOUSE: Tritter took it. CUDDY: Then move on to your secret-secret stash. HOUSE: I ran out. CUDDY: [annoyed, whispering] Then move on to your secret-secret-secret stash! [She goes back in her office. House looks at the cup and dry-swallows the two Vicodins inside.] [House's office. Day. The Ducklings are there, discussing Alice's case. ] CAMERON: Parents say she's not on any meds. CHASE: If the pancreatitis wasn't set off by drugs and she hasn't been sick, that leaves trauma. Or some kind of structural defect. Put up the CT. [Cameron puts the CT images on the lightboard. She and Chase look at them.] FOREMAN: [still sitting] What's that density there? CAMERON: [taking a closer look] Shadow looks normal to me. [The door opens. House limps inside, dumping his cane on the table.] CAMERON: We got a referral from... HOUSE: 'Scuse me! [Foreman slides his chair out of House's way. House pulls out a textbook and opens it. Cut inside the pages is a hole, just big enough to hold one bottle of Vicodin. He pulls out the bottle.] FOREMAN: [almost admiringly] You stash your drugs in a Lupus textbook. HOUSE: It's never Lupus. [glancing at the CTs] Who's got gallstones, so why do we care? CAMERON: Gallstones? [She and Chase turn to look for gallstones on the CT.] HOUSE: The Leery duct is dilated. Probably from a stone lodged in it. Musta caused a nasty case of pancreatitis. [He sees that there's only one pill in the bottle. Bummer!] FOREMAN: She's six. Six-year-olds don't get gallstones. HOUSE: So... she didn't have pancreatitis? CAMERON: Your theory is an invisible gallstone? CHASE: His theory correctly predicted the pancreatitis. FOREMAN: [to Chase] You might wanna wait until he actually tells us his theory, before you start kissing his theory's ass. HOUSE: My theory is... vanishing gallstone. [He puts the pill in his suit breastpocket.] HOUSE: She had it and it passed. Those things travel in packs. Most of them probably hiding out in her gallbladder. Do an ultrasound. If I'm right, take out the organ, so we can analyse the stones. [The Ducklings file out. House peers inside the empty "secret-secret-secret stash" bottle. He rubs his index finger inside the bottle, trying to grab every crumb of Vicodin, and shoves the finger into his mouth, as if brushing it.] [Alice's room. Alice is unconscious or sleeping. Chase performs an ultrasound on her. Cameron and Foreman are also there, teasing him.] CHASE: I wasn't kissing his arse. FOREMAN: It just looked that way from our angle. You on your knees, House bending over. CHASE: He predicted the pancreatitis. CAMERON: It's his dad's fault. CHASE: My dad was an arse. CAMERON: But you did everything he wanted you to and, in return, you got everything you wanted. CHASE: Shyeah! It's that simple. CAMERON: His strategy worked. Dad got him a cushy job, paid for his cushy life. CHASE: [a bit resentful] Cut me out of his cushy will. FOREMAN: I told you, just his nature. Poor guy's hardwired to kiss ass. CHASE: [looking at the ultrasound] House was right. Gallstones. [Foreman and Cameron take a look. The gallstones are clearly visible on the monitor.] [PPTH waiting area. Chase speaks Alice's parents.] ROB: I didn't know a kid could get gallstones? CHASE: It's... unusual. That's why we need to see what's causing it. We'd like to remove Alice's gallbladder and analyse the stones. ROB: [straightaway] Sure. EDIE: No. ROB: Just 'cause I said "sure"? EDIE: I am capable... CHASE: It's a simple procedure. The gallbladder isn't essential... ROB: The doctor thinks we should do it, we should do it. EDIE: You think maybe we should get a second opinion, before we start removing our child's organs. [Rob gives up.] [PPTH Office. Detective Michael Tritter sits on the floor, poring over files, pulled from boxes. Cuddy walks in.] CUDDY: 'S an effective use of tax-payers' money. TRITTER: I'm actually off this week. CUDDY: I'm guessing you don't have a family. [Tritter looks up at her.] CUDDY: Most people have enough going on in their lives that they don't have to personalize every slight. TRITTER: This isn't personal. Not anymore. CUDDY: [angry] My Head of Oncology had to shut down. My entire staff are afraid to make a move without covering their ass. TRITTER: I think you're angry at the wrong person. CUDDY: [grimacing] You think Dr. Wilson deserved to have his assets seized? His entire practice ruined? TRITTER: No. CUDDY: So, you just... don't care? TRITTER: [calm] This is how I get what I want. I put pressure... on people. And if it doesn't work on Wilson, it'll work on you. CUDDY: [accusingly] You punish the innocent. [She turns to leave.] TRITTER: None of you are innocent. [She turns to face him] TRITTER: Not one of you. [He throws down the file he's reading and gets up.] TRITTER: Not one of you has told me the truth about Dr. House. CUDDY: The pills allow him to cope with the pain. TRITTER: [mad] No, the pills... distort... reality. He is an addict. CUDDY: He's not out robbing a liquor store.Or... TRITTER: [intensely] Look, he's treating people. He needs to find a different way to cope, before he kills somebody! If he hasn't done that already. CUDDY: _If_ you're right, he has a medical problem. It should be dealt with by doctors! Not by the...! TRITTER: Well, it's not being dealt with by doctors. Doctors are covering it... up. [She looks at him.] TRITTER: The whole point of the criminal justice system... is to make things right, when everything else fails. With all due respect, you have failed. [She stares at him, almost agreeing with him in that.] [Alice's room. House walks up to the room and slides open the glass door. He juts his head inside. Rob looks up.] HOUSE: Sorry, didn't know you wanted your kid dad. Although for a couple of G's, I can still make it happen. ROB: Who the hell are you? HOUSE: I am a complete stranger, who apparently cares more about whether your kid dies than you do. [He checks Alice's stomach.] EDIE: You're Dr. House. [how did she guess?] HOUSE: You've seen my stage show. EDIE: She's not dying. She has pancreatitis. Once you've treated that, I'm taking her home. ROB: And do what? Burn sage? [to House] I want you to do the surgery. EDIE: My father had gallstones. They were totally harmless. Alice had one bad one, but it passed. Probably know this is over. ROB: And for all we know, she could get sick again tomorrow. EDIE: Then I'll take her to our paediatrician. She's six, Rob. She shouldn't have unnecessary surgery. HOUSE: Or a moron for a mom. What can you do? EDIE: You're the doctor. I'm the mother. I outrank you. Live with it. [House and Rob exchange a look. That was probably not the best thing to say to House.] [Courtroom. A judge sits down, behind a desk. Alice's parents sit on a couch on her right. House and Cuddy stand in front of her.] JUDGE: I've read the file. You've got fifteen minutes. HOUSE: [pointing to the parents] 'S people like this who klled Copernicus. JUDGE: Galileo. HOUSE: Either way. JUDGE: And they just locked Galileo up. HOUSE: They klled his spirit. And nobody likes a showoff. [The judge humours him with a smile.] HOUSE: Luckily, Alice Hartman has a dad, who's willing to see reason. JUDGE: Reason is defined by slavishly deferring to you. HOUSE: Their doctor. EDIE: Your Honour, I've had no opportunity to consult my attorney. HOUSE: There's no time. EDIE: [peeved] All I want is a second opinion before... HOUSE: [singsong] No time! [Edie gives up.] JUDGE: Your testimony is that their child will die if I don't grant this motion right now. HOUSE: Am I under oath? JUDGE: Let's say yes. HOUSE: [glancing at Cuddy] My testimony is that this child might die if you don't grant this motion right now. JUDGE: Literally no time for a second opinion. HOUSE: Won't be as good as the first opinion. JUDGE: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think? [Cuddy opens her mouth to speak, but House interrupts.] HOUSE: She's not a specialist in this area. Her opinion is worthless. JUDGE: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is? CUDDY: [loving the judge] Bigger. But he knows what he's talking about. [The judge looks at House, who raises his eyebrows in question.] [PPTH Operation Room. The surgery to remove Alice's gallstones is underway.] [Aerial sht of PPTH. Day.] [Alice's room. The surgery done, Alice is back in her room. Foreman enters.] FOREMAN: Got a page. EDIE: She's complaining about her stitches. ROB: Nurse just said that's completely normal. [to Foreman] Did you, uh, get the test results for the gallstones? FOREMAN: Any minute now. EDIE: There's no time for a second opinion, but the test takes three... ALICE: My skin hurts. EDIE: [to Foreman] I know I don't have the right to demand it, but could you please take a look? FOREMAN: Sure. ROB: She's pissed, now she's looking for things to go wrong. EDIE: [cynically] You're right. I'm sooo petty, I hope she dies so it vindicates my opinion. [Rob chuckles. Edie suddenly turns around to look at her wide-awake daughter, who's staring daggers at her mother.] EDIE: I didn't mean that, sweetie. Mommy was being sarcastic. [Foreman is checking up on Alice. He finds blisters and red blotches forming on her midsection, close to the incision marks.] ROB: [amused] She's a few years away from grasping the sarcasm, don't you think? FOREMAN: Guys! [The parents are shocked to see the rash. They look afraid.] [Diagnostics office. All three Ducklings are on their cellphones.] CHASE: [into phone, frustrated] I already gave you that number. [House enters.] HOUSE: Simple surgical procedure turns a little girl into the English patient. What gives? CAMERON: [covering her cell's mouthpiece, to House] Must be allergic to something we used in the surgery. [House looks around seeing all three talking on their phones.] CAMERON: [into phone] Cameron. C-A-M-E-R-O-N. HOUSE: This is my office, I'm talking, there are people here who work for me, but not listening. Explain this to me. FOREMAN: [cell to his ear, irritated] Tritter froze my account. They're checking theirs. I'm on hold with the lawyer. [House grabs Foreman's cell, turns it off and tosses it on the table, increasing Foreman's irritation.] HOUSE: Call Wilson's lawyer. He'll tell you exactly how and why you're screwed. This kid has no history of allergies. FOREMAN: [shouting] You gotta talk to Tritter! You gotta make this go away! CHASE: Yeah, great plan! The man's obviously open to reason. HOUSE: Here's the plan - we do nothing. We while away the time, diagnosing the patient. Stones were calcium, bilirubin and pigment stones. CAMERON: Which are non-conclusive. HOUSE: Kid presented with low-grade fever, mild anaemia. That plus the stones indicates bacterial infection. FOREMAN: [still pissed] Bacterial infection don't cause a vesicular rash. And doing nothing is not a plan, it's specifically a lack of a plan! HOUSE: We cut into her belly, bad boys escape. They swarm over, colonize the wounds and- Kaplow!- vesicular rash. [Foreman rolls his eyes.] CAMERON: Allergic reaction is a hundred times more likely with or without a history. Fever and anaemia could've been symptoms of pancreatitis. [into phone] Hello?... Thank you for your help. [She hangs up.] CAMERON: They froze my accounts. [She slaps her cell onto the table.] CHASE: "Thank you for your help"? CAMERON: It's not her fault. CHASE: [getting up] He hasn't gotten to mine yet. [getting his jacket] I'm gonna withdraw as much as I can, as fast as I can, [under his breath] much as I make. [Chase leaves.] HOUSE: Do a scratch test, check for allergies. When it comes back negative, start broad-spectrum antibiotics. [Cameron and Foreman look at House in consternation.] HOUSE: Bullies bully. They don't get a reaction, they lose interest. [menacingly] Now go do what I ask, before I stick your heads into toilets. [Foreman shakes his head, and picks up his cellphone to call his lawyer. Cameron drops her pen onto the table in exasperation.] [Alice's room. Alice is undergoing the scratch test, administered by Foreman. Alice is holding a teddy-bear, Otto.] EDIE: How'd Otto get here? ALICE: Daddy got him last night. EDIE: He was at the dry-cleaner, they close at six. How'd you get it? ROB: [proudly] I drove over there and knocked for about ten minutes. Then I begged... [Edie doesn't seem impressed. Foreman continues his work, despite the tension. Alice flinches.] ROB: [to Alice] How 'bout some ice-cream for when this is through? ALICE: My tummy hurts. ROB: Ginger-ale? [Alice nods.] ROB: Yeah? [He looks at Edie.] EDIE: I'll take care of her. ROB: Be right back. [He leaves. Edie watches his go.] EDIE: He's always been good with the big, romantic gestures, but ask him to do the dishes or show up for a meal on time or driver... FOREMAN: [had enough of her whining] Almost done here. [She shuts up.] [PPTH Doctor's lounge. House rests on the couch, playing some racing game on his PSP. Wilson enters, slamming the door after him. He goes to the snack table.] HOUSE: [engrossed in his game] What're you doing here? WILSON: I work here. [He slaps a slice of bread onto a plate.] HOUSE: You passively-aggressively gave up your practice. WILSON: [applying peanut butter on the slice] I've clinic hours. HOUSE: Now you're passively-aggressively spreading peanut butter. Big sign around your neck saying "Wilson does not have enough cash for the cafeteria". WILSON: You know, before Lenny Bruce died of the drug overdose... HOUSE: Oyyyyeeesh. You're gonna confront me with everyone who's ever used narcotics. Damn, I have to get something to read. WILSON: He was arrested on obscenity charges. Went through a series of arrests and trials, because he just couldn't stop challenging the police. [House pulls out his "secret-secret-secret stash" single Vicodin from his breastpocket, contemplating using it to get through this Wilson lecture.] WILSON: [now applying jelly] He became obsessed with his own legal problems and his act turned into long humourless rants about fascist cops and the violation of his rights. [House gets off the couch and walks over to Wilson.] HOUSE: I get it, I get it, I need to change my nightclub act. Need more props. [The door opens. Chase enters.] CHASE: House, scratch test is getting results. A lot of results. [House looks at the single Vicodin he has and pockets it again. He grabs a half of the PB&J sandwich from Wilson's plate and puts it on a napkin. He walks off, leaving Wilson wondering which judge would convict him for mrder House right now.] [Alice's room. House is looking at Alice's back, which now has a large red rash. Chase and Foreman are there, in addition to the parents.] ROB: How could she be allergic to everything? HOUSE: She can't be. Has to be an infection. FOREMAN: [raising an eyebrow] You see positive allergy tests and decide it's an infection? HOUSE: Bacteria got into the scratches in her back. CHASE: Infections radiate. The shape of this isn't... HOUSE: [picking up the half PB&J sandwich] Eat this. ALICE: [politely] I don't feel like eating. HOUSE: Make you better. EDIE: A sandwich? HOUSE: Magic sandwich. ALICE: There's no such thing as... HOUSE: [snaps] Just take a damn bite, okay, kid? [Alice takes a bite. House shines his flashlight into her mouth, looking for an allergic reaction. Finally, he stands straight.] HOUSE: Amazing how she didn't go into anaphylactic shock. FOREMAN: It's diagnostically ridiculous. HOUSE: Right! She's allergic to everything except peanuts. CHASE: If she is allergic, antibiotics could cause massive systemic reaction. [Rob doesn't like the sound of that.] HOUSE: If she's allergic. But she's not. [House hands Chase an IV bag. Chase takes it.] FOREMAN: Chase, you're right. The shape indicates allergy, the tests indicate allergy. Just because she's not allergic to peanuts, doesn't mean she's not allergic to Lidecane or... HOUSE: [ordering] Chase! Hang the bag! And grow a backbone tomorrow. [Chase seems conflicted.] ROB: No, I'm not giving my daughter drugs that can shut her system down. HOUSE: [angry] You know what else shuts down systems? Death! [He slides open the door to leave.] ROB: Sorry! I can't let you do this. [House looks at him, challengingly.] [Courtroom. And we're back! Same judge, same parents, same grouchy doctor, same tired administrator. Only difference is...] HOUSE: Luckily, Alice Hartman has a mom who is willing to see reason. JUDGE: You were in here yesterday, telling me her father's guardianship was best for her. HOUSE: I honestly figured I'd get a different judge today. JUDGE: [to Edie] You agree with Dr. House now? EDIE: Now, my kid actually is sick. ROB: She was sick yesterday. EDIE: Her paediatrician doesn't know what's wrong with her, says Dr. House is... ROB: She loses guardianship and all of a sudden, House is a hero! It's got nothing to do with me deciding... JUDGE: [had enough] Hey, zip it! I've heard enough. HOUSE: [side of his mouth, to Cuddy] This lawyering thing is easy. JUDGE: You shut up too! [stern] Arguing over decision is a waste of her time. And mine. Since her parents can't or won't agree, I'm awarding temporary guardianship to a doctor. Who will place the health of the child above all else. CUDDY: I don't think Dr. House is capable of... JUDGE: Dr. Cuddy. CUDDY: Yes, your Honour? JUDGE: No, I was finishing my sentence. The kid's all yours. [House looks at Cuddy, happy that he can manipulate her better than the squabbling parents.] [Courthouse hallway. House and Cuddy walk.] HOUSE: Three o'clock! Gimme the pills! CUDDY: [bewildered] I don't even know this kid. How am I supposed to decide what's best for her? HOUSE: [irritably] Fine! I'll choose. Always side with the angry doctor's opinion. Gimme my pills. CUDDY: [opening her purse] We're not gonna go broad-spectrum. There's any chance that she's allergic... HOUSE: There is no chance... CUDDY: Of course there's a chance. HOUSE: I'm appealing. CUDDY: No, you're not. Think of bacterial, pick one antibiotic. [She gives him a couple of Vicodins.] HOUSE: Not gonna be enough. Need to go broad-spectrum... CUDDY: It kills bugs, that's what you want. And go with metronidazole. [She walks off. House dry-swallows the Vicodins.] [PPTH office. Tritter speaks with Foreman.] TRITTER: You don't have to testify he's broken any laws. Though I'm sure you could. Just how many pills he takes in a day. 'Cause I'm fairly confident I can prove that he didn't... have that many... legitimate prescriptions. FOREMAN: [cool] You really hope noone dies while I'm sitting here and not talking to you? TRITTER: I, uh, I had a, uh, had a buddy at Trenton PD... do some digging. Your brother locked up for drugs. Your own flesh and blood. Now you don't even visit. But your boss practises medicine on drugs. Time to start lying to the cops. FOREMAN: If I went out for coffee, will I get back before you make your point? TRITTER: You, uhm, you testify. I can make sure that Marcus goes free on parole in less than two months. FOREMAN: [bat] My brother and I, we grew up in the same home. But I made something of myself. He didn't. TRITTER: Dr. Foreman, the way you talk, you think you never committed any crimes yourself. Now, you and Dr. House, you are both cold bastards. You don't give a damn about your brother, and you can't stand House. But I do expect you to take this deal, because you hate hypocrisy more. House has had a thousand chances. You had two chances. Why is your brother stuck at one? [Foreman ponders over the situation. Tritter's words have clearly had an effect on him.] [Alice's room. Alice, asleep, is flanked by her parents and Cuddy.] CUDDY: Well, if she were allergic to this antibiotic, we would have seen it by now. I think we are out of the woods as far as that goes. [She reaches and picks up a pad and writes.] ROB: [to Edie] Guess I can't shake that one right. EDIE: [incredulous] You're gonna be glib about this? You almost klled her. ROB: I made a choice. The same choice that you made yesterday. Only when I make it, I'm an imbecile. EDIE: Every decision you have made has been wrong. When this is over, I'm suing for sole custody. ROB: [getting mad] Because I trusted doctors when you didn't?! [Cuddy notices Alice's heart rate and BP steadily increasing as her parents squabble.] EDIE: Because... it's not just about the past two days! ROB: Like you have the hotline on what's best for Alice! She loves me. EDIE: [angry] She never does her homework when she's with you, she never brushes her hair... CUDDY: Her heart's racing, pressure's rising! The two of you, get out. EDIE: What- I'm her mother. You can't just- [Cuddy gets a syringe and starts filling it from a vial.] CUDDY: You fight, she has an anxiety attck. The two of you are making her worse. Get-out and don't come back. [Cuddy injects her. Rob leaves. Alice's heavy breathing slowly subsides.] [Diagnostics office. Foreman sits at his desk. Chase enters in street clothes.] CHASE: How's the kid doing? FOREMAN: Much better as about two hours ago. Got any money for lunch? CHASE: If you like parsley and croutons. Tritter finally froze my accounts. FOREMAN: [suspiciously] Really? CHASE: You surprised? Why wouldn't he? FOREMAN: I figured if he was singling you out, you must have done something different. CHASE: [offended] What? Like talking? FOREMAN: Yeah. And now that he's frozen your accounts, you probably will. You need the cash, right? [Chase unhappily tosses some files from his case on the table.] CHASE: He doesn't freeze my accounts, I'm guilty. He does freeze my accounts, I'm guilty. [Foreman gives a "Eh, whatta you gonna do" shrug. Edie enters.] EDIE: Is Alice having some procedure done? FOREMAN: She's fine. She's resting. EDIE: Where? CHASE: In her room. But you're not supposed to... EDIE: I was just at the window. There's no one in there. Her backpack wasn't there either. [Chase and Foreman exchange a nervous glance.] EDIE: You don't think her father could've...? [Chase jumps up and runs out.] CHASE: Call security! [Foreman picks up the phone to dial. Edie looks on in fear.] [PPTH lobby. Chase comes into the lobby, by the elevators, looking for Alice and Rob. Seeing something, he starts to run towards the entrance.] CHASE: [to nurse's station] Get a gurney! [Rob is entering, with an unconscious Alice in his arms.] ROB: [afraid] She's stiff! She can't move! I don't know what happened. I don't know, she seemed fine. [Chase examines her quickly.] ROB: [pleading] Help her, please! [Chase takes Alice in his arms.] [Alice's room. Outside the room, Edie watches House (inside the room) irritably bounce his red fuzzball on a cart near the window. The Ducklings attend to Alice, while Cuddy stands near the bed.] HOUSE: On the plus side, she could medal at luge. FOREMAN: [preparing a syringe] Muscle rigidity is almost exclusively neurological. CAMERON: Neuroaxonal dystrophy. She's the right age. CHASE: Except that her liver's starting to shut down. No dystrophy. HOUSE: [mocking Cuddy] Metronidazole - great idea. [Cuddy rolls her eyes, in exasperation.] HOUSE: Let's not go broad-spectrum. Let's not take any chances at actually curing her. CUDDY: House, can you focus on the case? HOUSE: [loud] No! 'Cause I'm in pain! 'Cause you think that compromises the answer to everything! I need more pills! [Cuddy says nothing.] CHASE: Muscle rigidity plus liver involvement means Wilson's. FOREMAN: No, no corneal rings, no mental changes. CAMERON: Then what? [The Ducklings all turn to House. Cuddy follows suit.] HOUSE: [at the top of his voice] I need more pills!! CUDDY: [firm] No! You are on a reasonable... HOUSE: What the hell does "reasonable" mean? [Foreman notices Alice's heart rate and BP increasing. The monitor beeps.] CUDDY: [restraining herself] Keep it quiet. Her BP reacts to stress. And yelling is not go... [House closes the blinds to the room, blocking Rob and Edie's view of what transpires inside.] HOUSE: You think that I'm not in pain. Then don't give me anything. Keep me away from the aspirin. If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills! CUDDY: Fine! You need more pills. You're not getting them. You can have all the aspirin you want... [House thinks about it. Kinda like a mini-epiphany. He opens the blinds and walks out.] FOREMAN: I say we draw straws. Loser drives out to Trenton, scores him an eight-ball. [Outside Alice's room. House limps into the hallway. Rob and Edie come over to him.] HOUSE: [still irritable] Which one of you two gave her an aspirin? EDIE: What? HOUSE: Her symptoms fit Reye's Syndrome. Which doesn't make any sense, unless you took aspirin. [Of course, "Mom of the Year" Edie immediately looks at "Nightmare Dad" Rob.] EDIE: [accusing] Rob? ROB: No way. She's a kid. I've read the eight hundred warning labels. EDIE: I'm not even angry. I just want her to be okay. HOUSE: She's lying. She's angry. 'Cause you kidnapped her kid. She'll be angrier if the kid dies. ROB: [firmly] I didn't. HOUSE: One aspirin! Combined with the preexisting infections is all it takes to set off an atta... ROB: I'm not lying. HOUSE: Well, sure. You certainly earned her trust. [to Edie] Where was Alice the night she came in? EDIE: W-With me. Well, at my house. I went out, she stayed with the baby-sitter. [Cuddy comes out into the hallway.] ROB: [My, how the tables have turned!] Where were you? EDIE: [annoyed] None of your business. ROB: You hired someone that might have poisoned our daughter. EDIE: [checking her purse] She's fifteen. She's very responsible. HOUSE: She a fifteen-year-old pharmacist? Or is it just some kid from down the street, who needed twenty bucks for lip gloss and couple of tiger beads? [Edie takes out her cellphone and dials. House walks away with Cuddy.] HOUSE: Put your kid on charcoal hemoperfusion. CUDDY: Shouldn't we hear what the baby-sitter has to say? HOUSE: I know what she's gonna say. She's gonna lie to save her business. [flapping his palm out at her] Gimme more pills. [Cuddy hesitates for a second, then relents. She pulls out a bottle of Vicodin and gives him two. House gives her a "What? Are you kidding me?" look.] [Alice's room. Later. Cuddy is alone with Alice, explaining the charcoal hemoperfusion.] CUDDY: We are going to use this machine to clean your blood. It goes out of you and through a filter. You know, like a filter in a fish-tnk. [Alice only stares.] CUDDY: It's... kinda cool actually. [Alice says nothing. Cuddy feels awkward.] ALICE: [finally] I'm scared. CUDDY: [trying to be encouraging] It... won't hurt. It takes a while, so it'll be boring, but won't hurt. It's gonna make you better. ALICE: [sadly] They hate each other, don't they? Never gonna be together again. CUDDY: Well, you never know. [Cuddy prepares to start the procedure.] [Aerial sht of PPTH. Night.] [PPTH Meeting Room. Cameron stands at the door, addressing Tritter.] CAMERON: Gonna break out the rubber hoses, the bright lights? I'm not gonna testify, just because I have to borrow lunch money. TRITTER: I know. Women don't give up guys that... they're in love with. CAMERON: I'm not in love with House. TRITTER: A guy as unhinged and unethical, does what he wants with no concern for others. But you stand by him. CAMERON: That can't just be loyalty and respect? TRITTER: No. CAMERON: I'm a girl. So I must be in love with him. TRITTER: Not because you're a girl. Because ten years ago, you got an A in Calculus, until you ratted yourself out. Showed your professor a mistake he missed. Because you married a man... CAMERON: [angrily] Don't go there! TRITTER: You used to be someone, who did the right thing. House has changed you. D'you think it's all been for the better? [With a wry, defiant smirk, Cameron walks away, closing the door on her way.] [Alice's room. The charcoal hemoperfusion is underway. Foreman sits nearby, reading a magazine. Cuddy enters.] CUDDY: [brightly] How's it going? ALICE: Bo-o-ring. CUDDY: Told ya. FOREMAN: [smiling] So far, so good. Just like five minutes ago, ten minutes before that. [Suddenly Alice starts crying in pain, rubbing her left arm. CUDDY: What's the matter? [Foreman jumps up from his seat. Cuddy pulls back the blanket on Alice's arm. Alice cries out in pain. They find that her left arm is completely pale.] FOREMAN: It's from a clot. CUDDY: [urgently] Let's get her out of here. I'll call the OR. [Foreman stops the machine. Cuddy rushes to the phone.] ALICE: [crying, complaining] You said it wouldn't hurt. [She cries out again. Cuddy calls the OR.] [Operating room. A monitor shows catheter threading through Alice's veins. She's unconscious. Foreman performs the surgery.] FOREMAN: Found it. CUDDY: She's burning up. FOREMAN: In a sec. CUDDY: Foreman, she is on fre! FOREMAN: Almost there. CUDDY: [to nurse] Get me some cooling blankets, now. NURSE: Right away. [House and Cameron watch the surgery in the observation deck.] CAMERON: Everytime we touch this kid, something goes wrong. [House is fidgeting with his "secret-secret-secret stash" Vicodin.] HOUSE: Bad mojo is not a diagnosis. CAMERON: You really have to flash your private stash in front of me? HOUSE: [irritated] You find it easier to lie for me if it's more subtle? Fine! [He pockets the pill.] [PPTH Cafeteria. Tritter and Chase sit at a table.] TRITTER: You told your associates that, uh, I'd frozen your accounts. CHASE: Yes. TRITTER: Smart lie. You figured they'd think there was a reason that you'd been singled out. Like that, uh, you'd agreed to testify against House. CHASE: Yeah, I assume that's why you did it. TRITTER: You have a, uh, reputation as a bit of an opportunist. You already gave your boss up once, from what I've heard. CHASE: To save my job. He goes down now, I lose my job. TRITTER: If you lose your job, you find another one. You get fired, [shakes head] chances don't look so hot. CHASE: [shaking his head in confusion] Why would he fre me? TRITTER: Because you rolled on him. CHASE: I haven't rolled on him. TRITTER: I think you will. And he's gonna think you already did. CHASE: As far as he knows, my accounts are frozen, just like everyone else's. TRITTER: In twenty-four hours, all three of you will have access to your accounts again. CHASE: Why would you do...? TRITTER: If I was looking at this, as an outsider [points to the other people in the cafeteria], I would say it was because Detective Tritter had what appeared to be a very pleasant lunch with Dr, Chase. [Tritter laughs, almost evilly. Chase, angry at being played, looks around, seeing the people looking at the two of them, Tritter gets up and walks over to Chase, genially placing his hand on Chase's shoulder.] TRITTER: The two of them appear to be... working together. [He pats Chase a few times on the back and with a light squeeze of Chase's shoulder, he leaves. Disgusted, Chase shrugs off the squeeze.] [PPTH Operating Room. Alice is still on the operating table, burning up. Cuddy is feverishly trying to find something to cool her down.] CUDDY: [frustrated] How the hell are there no ice-packs in the OR?! [She starts to tear off her scrubs.] FOREMAN: That's out. Ice packs aren't going to hold it for long. Where are the blankets? CUDDY: In the ER. They've joined the four car collision. FOREMAN: [quietly, urgently] We need to cool this kid down before her brain melts. [Cuddy, sans scrubs, starts to pull out the wires from Alice's body.] FOREMAN: What're you doing? [Cuddy takes Alice into her arms.] [Observation Deck. Cameron talks to House and Chase, who's just returned from his "very pleasant lunch with Detective Tritter".] CAMERON: She got a major dose of heparin to thin her blood for the procedure. Could have induced. CHASE: That's... unlikely. The charcoal would have absorbed a lot of the heparin. She can be anaemic. Could be a primary blood disorder. HOUSE: [in pain, restrained] No wonder we never cured the infection. CAMERON: Are you saying she never had Reye's? We just put that girl through excruciating pain. CHASE: Pain wasn't House's fault. Even if the clot was a reaction to what we gave her, we still have to... HOUSE: [angry] I don't need you to cover my ass! What I need is my Vicodin! [grumbling] Two pills every six hours. Like I'm on an allowance. She's given the cop leverage over medical decisions! What the hell, why don't we get a plumber in here, ask his opinion! Hey Cuddy, you know any rodeo clowns who can weigh in...! [He looks down at the operating table to see that Alice and Cuddy are nowhere to be seen.] HOUSE: Where the hell is she? [Shower room. Cuddy sits on the floor, with Alice in her lap. Cold water falls on them. House throws open the door. Cuddy looks at him, anxiously and almost in tears.] CUDDY: Look at her arm. [Alice's left arm is covered with a rash.] HOUSE: [venomously] Told you it was an infection. CUDDY: [snapping] We fixed the infection! HOUSE: [incensed] Well, apparently not! I asked you for broad-spectrum, you put her on the bare minimum! It's a good thing you failed to become a mom, 'cause you suck at it!! [Cuddy is left speechless at House's remark. House walks off. Cuddy looks at Alice and closes her eyes in grief.] [PPTH Lobby. House is leaning on the first floor balcony, aiming his "orifice" laser pointer around. The Ducklings walk up to him.] HOUSE: What's good about this rash? [He focuses the pointer on a doctor, then on the janitor. The Ducklings remain quiet. He notices the silence.] HOUSE: Good guesses! But no. [The Ducklings say nothing.] HOUSE: It's on parts of her body that we haven't touched. She's got a fever of a hundred-and-three. She's in and out of consciousness. But it's not a reaction to anything we did. Our mojo is off the table. Which means...? [He waits for an answer, but gets nothing.] HOUSE: Oh! So close. Means thanks to Cuddy's candy-ass approach, broad-spectrum antibiotics are no longer an option. This thing has grown horns and fangs. We gotta figure out what species it is. Go in with a spear to the heart. [He looks at them, seeing them all look pretty pensive and nervous.] HOUSE: [sighs] Okay, you guys are sulking. I don't really care why, but apparently I can't do my job without finding out. CAMERON: Tritter released our bank accounts. HOUSE: Horrible, horrible news. Wow! I'm glad we didn't let that fester. If she did have Reye's, then it could be varicella or associated... FOREMAN: [persisting] He released our money. You do know what that means? HOUSE: [irritably] The correct question is "How can it be varicella given that she's not itchy?". CHASE: Rickettsialpox causes rash, fever and muscle pain. CAMERON: Pain, not paralysis. Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, on the other hand, rash, fever, anaemia, paralysis and I didn't say anything to Tritter. FOREMAN: Neither did I. CHASE: Maybe he wants us to think that one of us talked. FOREMAN: It worked. CAMERON: You were with him. [House, uninterested, goes back to flashing his laser pointer on the ground floor people.] CHASE: We were all with him. FOREMAN: _We_ weren't laughing with him. HOUSE: Maybe he just gave up. Start the kid on chloramphenicol for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. [Cameron and Foreman leave immediately. Chase hangs back.] CHASE: Can we talk? HOUSE: Nope. CHASE: I really think you need... HOUSE: Either you screwed me and you want absolution, or you didn't and you want applause. Either way, not interested. [He goes back to laser flashing. Chase gives up, shrugging, and leaves. House flashes the pointer on Wilson, who enters the clinic.] [Cuddy's office. From outside, Cuddy can be seen sitting on her armchair, with her back to the door. It's obvious she's upset. Wilson knocks.] CUDDY: [voice breaking] I'm busy. [Wilson enters anyway.] WILSON: You okay? CUDDY: [waving it off] Yeah, sure. WILSON: Uhm, what I meant by "Are you okay" is "What the hell did House do"? CUDDY: Nothing. WILSON: What did he say? CUDDY: I've seen House be rude a thousand times, usually to achieve something. I have never seen him be mean just because he can. WILSON: Seriously? [bat] What did he say? [He sits opposite her.] CUDDY: [sighs] Nothing. Doesn't matter. WILSON: Well, I've seen House be rude to you a thousand times, but I've never seen it get it you. CUDDY: People think House has no... inner censor. The fact is he holds himself back, because when he wants to hurt, he knows just where to poke a sharp stick. [bat, sniffs] I have been trying to get pregnant. And House knew. He told me I'm a failure as a mother. WILSON: And you're this upset because... you think he's right? CUDDY: [eyes closed] I have had three separate implantations - the first two never took, the last one, I... lost. WILSON: I'm sorry. You didn't fail. Those were physical events. CUDDY: [agitated] A little girl is... scared and in pain. I was... awkward. Terrified of doing the wrong thing. WILSON: [shrugging] That's normal. That's... CUDDY: I didn't hug her. I didn't even... reach out and hold her hand. I told her it was gonna be okay. WILSON: [reasoning] She needed reassurance. CUDDY: I told her her folks might get back together. [laughs wrily] When I see people with their kids, it's so natural. It's like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes. [voice breaking] Maybe I just didn't get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a... tone-deaf person wanting sing opera or a paraplegic who wants to... [She's getting more and more agitated, and Wilson interrupts.] WILSON: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [sighs] Well, I see what you mean about House poking the right spot. [Cuddy laughs through her tears, feeling a little better now.] [Alice's room. A nurse tends to a sleeping Alice and leaves. Alice's left arm and leg are left uncovered by the blanket, exposing the large rash on both of them.] [Diagnostics office. House, now in some serious pain, leans against a bookcase. The Ducklings are around the table.] FOREMAN: Chloramphenicol isn't working. [House looks upward and sighs.] HOUSE: What dose did you give her? CHASE: [spiteful] Yeah, maybe Chase screwed up. [House turns around to look at him.] CHASE: You always end up there, just getting a jump on it. [House says nothing.] CHASE: I doubled her up. HOUSE: [hurting bad] Okay, the infection's morphed. It's moved into her muscle sheath. FOREMAN: Necrotizing fasciitis? CAMERON: That's impervious to drugs. HOUSE: The only treatment is to cut away the infected area. So we amputate. CAMERON: Arm and leg? We can't cut a six-year-old kid in half without a confirmed diagnosis. HOUSE: It moves too quickly and we waited too long. We don't have time for a culture. CAMERON: We can at least observe her for few hours, confirm the rash is spreading. HOUSE: It spreads, she dies. [He fingers his "secret-secret-secret stash" Vicodin, looking at it longingly.] FOREMAN: You're talking about crippling her. CHASE: We're not even certain this was an infection. [House has had it and he lets them know it.] HOUSE: [top of his voice, pissed] Right!! She's sick! She's cute! She can't have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just wrong! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die of terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail, just because cowards like you won't stand up and do what's required! You can sit around and moan about who's the bigger weakling! [The Ducklings are stunned by this outburst.] HOUSE: I'm gonna go do my job. [He dry-swallows the Vicodin (finally!) and storms off.] [Hallway outside Alice's room. House and Cuddy stand with Edie and Rob, explaining what must be done. Edie protests and asks for alternatives. Rob stands there, distressed. House informs them there's no other way.] [Alice's room. Alice is prepped for surgery. The surgeon pulls down her collar, exposing her left arm and starts marking the part to amputate - her entire left arm.] [ECU: Cuddy, depressed.] CUDDY: What kind of quality of life will she have without...? HOUSE: One thing about life - it's got qualities. [ECU: Alice's face, as she stares at the camera.] [Alice's room. A doctor removes her finger-monitor.] ROB: [voice-only] And if we can't agree? [ECU: House says nothing.] CUDDY: [voice-only] I don't know. [ECU's of Edie and Rob. On their worried faces.] [Alice's room. Cuddy stands by Alice's bed, holding her hand. The surgeon and nurse start to wheel her out.] [PPTH hallway. Rob and Edie sit pensively.] [ECU: Surgical instruments - the amputating kind. Sterile, metallic, sharp, unforgiving...] [Operating room. The surgeon places the anaesthesia mask on Alice's face.] [Slow motion - sht of Alice's left leg, covered in rashes.] [Slow motion - sht of Alice's left arm, also covered in rashes, with markings at the shoulder. The surgeon places the instruments on the table. He prepares the bone-saw.] [Diagnostics office. Cameron and Foreman sit at the table, while Chase sits next to House's office door.] FOREMAN: He's yelled at us before. CAMERON: 'Cause he thought our theories were dumb, not because our theories were sending him to jail. [Chase starts fiddling around with House's "orifice" laser pointer.] FOREMAN: He's going through withdrawal. Could be causing mild paranoia. It'll pass, we just have to suffer through it. CAMERON: We never ruled out allergy. FOREMAN: We gave her drugs. She had no negative reaction. CAMERON: We cut open her belly, she got a rash on her belly. We did a scratch test on her back, she had a rash on her back. I know House ruled out mojo, but it can't be a coincidence... [Chase starts flashing the laser pointer at Foreman.] CHASE: [tired] Little late to be playing differential games, isn't it? FOREMAN: [shielding his eyes] Get that thing away from me! I don't wanna get brned. CHASE: Laser pointers don't burn you, genius. FOREMAN: Skin, no. Retina, yes. CHASE: You don't trust my aim? Maybe you should cover any sensitive... [He stops. He's had an epiphany (that's a switch)!! He puts off the laser pointer. Cameron and Foreman look at him.] CHASE: He was wrong about the puppies! [He jumps up from his seat and races out.] [PPTH Lobby. House is leaving for the day. Chase comes down the stairs behind him.] CHASE: House! [House turns.] CHASE: Gotta stop the surgery! She doesn't have necrotizing fasciitis! HOUSE: [disinterested] Oh good. [He turns to leave, but Chase gets in front of him, stopping him from walking.] CHASE: She's got erythropoietic protoporphyria! She's allergic to light. It's genetic. Either parent could have carried it. HOUSE: [couldn't care less] I know what it is. Infection fist better. [He starts to walk, but Chase again gets in his way.] CHASE: She gets worse everytime she goes under surgical lights! Dad takes her outside... HOUSE: Liver's sht too. She swallow a flashlight? [He moves towards the exit. Chase pushes him back.] CHASE: [insistent] Stop the surgery! HOUSE: [thrat] Get the hell out of my way. CHASE: [pushes him back] No! I'm... [WHAM!! House punches Chase squarely in the jaw. Chase falls to the floor. House looks shocked at what he's done. Others stop to look at the scene. Chase lets out a cough and sighs. He continues, still on the floor.] CHASE: Light damages the blood cells. The damaged blood cells contain protoporphyrin. The protoporphyrin builds up in the liver. That's why the liver's shutting down! [He feels his jaw. House, still shocked, seems to understand.] [Operating room. The surgical lights come on. The surgeon prepares to get started on Alice's left arm. The phone rings. The nurse answers it. The surgeon's scalpel is just about ready to cut the skin, when the nurse quickly turns round.] NURSE: Stop! [She holds out her hand, motioning to the surgeon to wait, while she listens in the receiver.] [PPTH hallway, outside Alice's room. Cuddy is explaining Alice's condition to hr parents.] EDIE: How can she be allergic to light? She's never had this problem before. CUDDY: Negative reaction starts at birth. It reaches critical mass right around this age. [FLASHBACK: Alice going on the ride. The light is bright on her face as she starts to scream.] [CGI: Zoom into Alice's face. Her bloodstream. Bright light shines above. Red blood cells start to deteriorate as the light shines on them.] CUDDY: [voice-only] Her blood cells create chemicals in reaction to the light. [CGI: Zoom into the liver. Outside, good and bad blood cells travel. In the liver, big mean-looking gallstones start forming.] CUDDY: [voice-only] When they reach the liver, it tries to filter out the bad cells. The chemicals damage the liver. And one by-product is gallstones. [END OF CGI. Back to Cuddy and the parents.] EDIE: [worried] So she'll just keep getting worse? CUDDY: EP can be managed. We'll give her betacarotine. She's gonna need special lightbulbs and filters on the windows. She's probably gonna need to be home-schooled. Her life will be complicated... but she will live. ROB: How do you get something like this? CUDDY: It's genetic. EDIE: So, one of us...? [The parents both look at Cuddy to find out who the "guilty" party is. Cuddy takes a while to answer.] CUDDY: Both of you must be carriers. [Edie and Rob look at each other.] CUDDY: She's gonna wanna see you when she wakes up. So... don't screw it up. [She gets up and leaves. Edie and Rob look pensive. Alice lies asleep in her bed.] [Doctor's lounge. Wilson's inside. Chase enters and walks inside, angry. Without a word, he picks up the bread and pulls out two slices. He's a bit more aggravated when he sees the peanut butter's almost over. Still he picks up a Knfe and starts to scrape out as much PB as he can. Wilson watches him as he does this.] WILSON: [deadpan] So, what's new? CHASE: [bat] House missed one. WILSON: It's happened before. CHASE: [resentfully] He nearly maimed a little girl. I got it right. And I told him, and it didn't matter. WILSON: Chase, you solved one. You helped a patient. That better be enough for you. Beckett was going to call his play "Waiting for House's Approval", but thought it was too grim. CHASE: [forcefully spreading jelly on the bread] Trust me, I'm not waiting any more. [He turns to get his bag, exposing his left lower jaw, which has turned red after House's punch. Wilson sees it and frowns, unbelievingly. Chase looks at him and leaves, eating his PB&J. Wilson is left alone, thoughtful.] [Aerial sht of PPTH. Night.] [Tritter's meeting room. Tritter sits there reading. The door opens and Tritter looks up. Wilson enters, a bit unsure. However, he enters and closes the door behind him. Tritter waits patiently.] WILSON: [bat] I'm gonna need thirty pieces of silver. [Tritter smiles. He's finally found the Judas he wanted. He motions for Wilson to take a seat. Camera holds on Wilson Iscariot.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x09 - Finding Judas"}	foreverdreaming
(Scene opens on snow falling outside the hospital then moves into the hospital to show all the fancy Christmas decorations, "'Zat You Santa Claus?" by Louis Armstrong plays in the background. House walks in through the front doors past the busy lobby, scene quickly moves to House walking into his office. Wilson is waiting inside next to House's desk and he turns around to face House. House looks surprised and he quickly looks to his armchair in the corner and notices Tritter seated there.) Tritter: Merry Christmas. House: And a happy go to hell. [To Wilson] What is he doing here? Is he with you? Wilson: Detective Tritter and I... we worked out a deal. [He moves away so House can set his stuff down on his chair] House: Already got a lawyer, get out of my office. Wilson: I told him I didn't write those prescriptions. [House freezes while taking off his coat] Tritter: I spoke with the DA, he agreed to two months in a rehab facility in exchange for a guilty plea. House: Get out of my office. Wilson: [surprised at House's reaction] No jail time. House: Right, so I should get locked up in some place I don't belong in order to avoid getting locked up in some other place I don't belong. Tritter: I got you on forgery, fraud and on drugs-- Wilson: No sanctions to the medical board. House: Um hmm, and you get your car back and your bank accounts and your precious tumour-ridden patients. Wilson: I did this to help you. House: Next Christmas, buy me a sweater. Wilson: You punched out an employee; you nearly cut a little girl in half because you were too strung out-- House: I was in pain! You need to believe that I've got a problem so that your betrayal has the illusion of nobility, but you just selfishly-- [Wilson is frozen in shock] Tritter: Knock it off. [He gets up off the seat and approaches House] Look, I don't care why Doctor Wilson is doing this, and right now it makes no difference to you either, you need to deal with the reality of your current situation. You want to stand on principle, you end up in a cell, and you end up never practicing medicine again. So you got two choices - your principles, or your life. House: [still glaring at Wilson] Get out of my office. [Tritter shakes his head and Wilson looks disappointed] Tritter: The DA put a clock on the deal. You got three days to decide. (Scene opens on the lobby, Wilson is running to catch up with House) Wilson: House! Just give me a minute. You're afraid of the pain. House: You're not? [He holds up the cane thrat] Wilson: [holds up a hand and gives House a look] You can still have pain meds in rehab - tramadol, gabapentin-- House: Those don't work. [He turns around to face Wilson] Wilson: They will once you're weaned off the vicodin. House: [points to one of the decorations in the lobby] Look, there's Jesus, go tell the Romans. [He walks into the clinic] Wilson: Fine, run to Cuddy. You don't think she's going to support me on this? (In the clinic, Cuddy is examining Abigail, a 15-yr-old dwarf girl.) Cuddy: Well the stitches are healing nicely, there's no sign of infection. House: [bursts in through the door. Cuddy, Abigail and Maddy (the mother) are startled] Woah. Sorry. Just need her for a tiny moment. Small favour. [Cuddy gives him a look] Pills. Maddy: Who's the wit? Cuddy: Doctor. Don't worry, I'll be fring him soon. Wait in my office. House: Incision looks just big enough for chest tube. Collapsed lung? Someone mistake you for a pi? Maddy: Delightful, usually we just get the elf jokes this time of year. House: No trauma. [Looks at her forearm to find a clear patch of skin where a circle has been marked out in black] Negative PPD. What flavoured dwarfs are you guys? Maddy: My daughter and I both have cartilage hair hypoplasia; think you can make a pun out of that? House: Yes, but I don't want to be insensitive. [Turns to Cuddy and indicates at Maddy] She's got a bit of a short fuse hasn't she? Cuddy: It's a bleb, wait in my office. House: Bleb's not a diagnosis, it's an evasion. Cuddy: We'll schedule an MRI to make sure, but a certain number of these cases are idiopathic. House: Let me translate that into Tolkien for you guys - means Doctor Cuddy's got no idea why your daughter's lung suddenly popped like a balloon. Maddy: You think you do? House: Give me her chart, and my pills. (House enters his office, this time the Ducklings are waiting in the conference room) House: Santa needs us. [He throws the chart at Chase who looks up and we see a dark bruise on his jaw where House punched him] Did you get that looked at? Chase: I'm fine. House: Great. I just admitted a cartilage hair hypoplasia dwarf, 15-yrs-old-- Cameron: What are you going to do? House: I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual. Foreman: Wilson told us he ratted. House: Your choice of verb I take it? Foreman: It's appropriate, he betrayed you. And you should take the deal. House: Unexplained lung collapse and anaemia. Cuddy thinks it's idiopathic - Cuddy and "idiop" being the relevant parts of that sentence. Chase: Can't be TB since Cuddy already ruled it out. [He hands the case down to Foreman] House: Then you'd be just as big an idiop as her. Don't you people know your dwarfs? Chase: There are over 200 varieties of dwarfism, each with different medical complications; you can't expect us to be intimately familiar with all of them. House: The sick dwarfs sure expect you to. Cameron: Cartilage hair hypoplasia - they have compromised immune systems. House: Gold star for Cameron, for extra credit explain to the special needs section of the class why our patient's negative TB test is irrelevant. Cameron: A PPD involves planting a fragment of TB under the skin to see if the immune system recognises it, because of her compromised immune system, our patient could have TB but not recognise it. House: The little people love you. [Gets up] Let's go see a dwarf about a gallium scan. (Cameron and House are in Abigail's room talking to her and her mom.) Cameron: Gallium is a radioactive isotope, travels through your veins allowing us to see any bright spots that might indicate infection. Maddy: [notices House scrutinising and comparing her with his cane behind her back] I'm 4' 1". That's 1.5 canes in metric. House: You don't look a day over 4 feet. I saw in the file that her dad was normal size. Maddy: It's average-sized. House: Compared to you I'm sure he was huge. Did he have a fetish or did he just fall in love with your long-legged soul? Maddy: He grew up in the circus, said I reminded him of home. Seems like you're the one with the fetish. House: Certainly curious about the logistics. Did you stand on a table? Cameron: [turning around] House! Maddy: [also turning around to face House directly] Pretty much he laid flat and spinned me. [House smiles] Abigail: Mom. Cameron: So Abigail, you wanna hop up on the table for me? Abigail: [looks at the table that's almost her height] That's gonna be tough. Cameron: Oh, I'm sorry. Erm let me give you a boost [she's about to help lift Abigail] Maddy: Stop lifting her like she's 5, just bring over a stool and let her climb up herself. Abigail: Mom, it's ok. Cameron: I'm just trying to be helpful. [She does slide over a stool and Abigail climbs on to the table] House: She also hates Jews. Maddy: I've dealt with worse. Being different, you get used to people's idiocy. [She throws that word behind her shoulder and Cameron glances over for a moment insulted] Still beats the hell out of actually being an idiot. [House breaks into a smile again at her words] What? House: Care to go for a spin? [Both Cameron and Abigail look over in shock. Maddy looks speculative for a moment before turning her back to House with a smirk on her face] (Wilson is in Cuddy's office talking to her.) Cuddy: What the hell were you thinking? You didn't think ratting out this hospital's best doctor merited checking with your boss first? Wilson: I didn't rat him out, I got him a deal. Cuddy: Which he'll never take. Wilson: He will if we-- Cuddy: How long have you known House? Did you think he'd suddenly become reasonable? Wilson: I made the deal, it's done, you can either keep yelling at me or you can help me avoid a complete disaster. Cuddy: There already is going to be a complete disaster. He's not going to take the deal, he's going to go to jail because he's a child, he's too stubborn! Wilson: When a child misbehaves, what do you do? You take away something he loves. Cuddy: We can't take away his vicodin. Not only will he be in pain, he'll start to detox. Wilson: And we tell him the only way to get the pills back is to take the deal. Cuddy: He won't be able to function. Wilson: That's the point. Cuddy: You going to explain that to his patient? Wilson: What choice do we have? (Cameron and House look at the results of the gallium scan in the conference room) Cameron: Gallium scan shows no bright spots of any kind, means it's not TB or any other infection. House: There are no bright spots because the whole thing is too bright. Except for the liver. Cameron: That type could have overexposed the image a bit but its nothing. Her liver looks fine. Foreman: Could be lung cancer. Tumour causes structural damage, lung caves in on itself, also explains the anaemia. House: Doesn't explain the liver problem though. Cameron: Her lung collapsed, there is no liver problem. House: Did you guys look at the liver on this thing? Foreman: There's no liver problem. House: Seriously, look at the liver. Chase: There's nothing there. House: Why not? Chase: Because there's nothing wrong? House: Every organ in the scan is lit up like a hundred watt bulb except for her liver which is hovering around 60 watts. And not one of them good 60 watte-ers but an energy-saving-- Foreman: You saying her liver's shutting down because the lighting is off? You just don't want a cancer diagnosis because then you'd have to deal with Wilson. House: Lung cancer is a lame diagnosis. Avoiding Wilson is an added bonus. [Cuddy enters the office] Cuddy: House, we need to talk. House: Not taking the deal. Glad we talked. Ultrasound her liver. [The ducklings make to take off] Cuddy: Sit down. House: Stand up. [Looks to Cuddy] Your turn. Cuddy: House, you're off the case. Your treatment privileges are suspended until you accept Tritter's deal. House: Well I'm obviously not going to take the deal just so I can have the fun of treating a dwarf so I assume there's more to this thrat. Cuddy: I'm also cutting off your vicodin. House: That could work. Cuddy: I'm taking over as attending. Get an MRI of her lungs. House: This is not lung cancer. Cuddy: We'll find out as soon as we MRI her lungs. [The ducklings file out] House: You're going to come begging me to save this girl long before I come begging you for pills. Cuddy: I hope not for everyone's sake. (The Ducklings are doing an MRI on Abigail.) Cameron: This is wrong. Foreman: Cutting House off? Might not work but it's not wrong. Chase: windows look clean. Foreman: [into the mic] Abigail, we need you to hold still ok? Abigail: Can I come out? Foreman: Just hang in there 2 more minutes and we'll be done. Abigail: Okay. Cameron: Because it's effective doesn't make it right. Foreman: Cuddy's bending the rules to get a patient to do the right thing - who'd work for a doctor like that? Cameron: And the ends justify the means? Chase: If the ends involve us keeping our jobs sure. Lung _______ is clean, no masses. It's not lung cancer. [Abigail begins to start coughing] Foreman: Abigail, are you ok? [She doesn't reply and continues to cough. The team see her crawl out of the MRI and cough out blood, they rush to attend her] (Ducklings in Cuddy's office) Foreman: House was right, her liver's failing. Chase: Endoscopy confirmed the vomiting was caused by variceal bleeding. Blood work also confirms House's hypothesis-- Cuddy: I get it, House was right it's the liver, lets move on. What causes liver disease and a collapsed lung? Foreman: Schistosomiasis, parasite could-- Chase: There's no eosinophilia. Cameron: Cirrhosis could explain-- Wilson: Could be a hepatoma. Cameron: She's 15, it's not liver cancer. [She is particularly vehement when she says this] Wilson: It's not unheard of. Cameron: Cirrhosis fits better; the question is what caused it. Foreman: Could be hepatitis, Budd-Chiari-- Chase: Or drugs and alcohol. If anyone has a reason to dull the pain it's a teenaged dwarf. Foreman: I'll do a liver biopsy to confirm. Chase: And I'll search the patient's home for drugs and alcohol. [The ducklings begin to exit] Wilson: Cameron, got a moment? [She pauses and he walks out with her] [They enter an empty clinic room and he shuts the door behind them] Wilson: What exactly is your problem with me? Cameron: Hepatoma is a weak diagnosis. Wilson: So this is all about the case? Cameron: What else would it be about? Wilson: I made this deal to help him. Cameron: And help yourself at the same time. Wilson: This is not about my practice, this is not about my car. I gave both of them up to help House, and I would have gone on without them if he hadn't almost maimed that little girl and if he hadn't punched out Chase. Cameron: Was it an easy choice? Wilson: Of course not but its right. Cameron: Then why wasn't it easy? Wilson: Because he's my friend it's... obviously complicated-- Cameron: It's complicated? When you decided to talk to Tritter your life got a million times better. How do you separate that out? How do you pretend your windfall isn't relevant to this decision? Wilson: It was the right thing to do. Cameron: You pretending your motives are pure is why I have a problem. (House is in Cuddy's darkened office trying to break into a locked drawer. Foreman walks in) Foreman: Where's Cuddy? House: In this drawer, it's a rescue mission. I got it under control, you can leave. [He goes back to jimmying the drawer] Foreman: [checks outside in the clinic before walking in] You were right about the liver failure, patient had variceal bleeding which suggested cirrhosis. House: I'm off the clock. Foreman: You predicted this, you obviously saw something. House: Obviously. Foreman: Liver biopsy was negative for cirrhosis but it shows sclerosing cholangitis. [He puts the sheet of paper of the results down on the table in front of House. House takes a glance, then ignores it] Even weirder, there's no increase in alkaline phosphotates. House: Hmm... medical mystery. Sounds like the kind of thing I'd be good at. [He gets frustrated at being unable to jimmy the drawer] Breaking and entering sounds like the kind of thing you'd be good at. Foreman: I take it that's where Cuddy's been keeping your pills. House: One theory, one drawer. [Foreman cautiously takes a look into the clinic then rolls his eyes and accepts] House: Really? I thought you'd be all for this trture House plan. It works, therefore it's good. On the other hand, I don't want to talk you out of this deal by pointing out your hypocrisy so... patient's life at stake, blah blah blah blah. [Foreman jimmies the drawer while still warily looking out at the clinic] Forget about the specific nature of the liver dysfunction, it's irrelevant. Dwarf's problem is global, that's why the gallium scan was bright, it's going to spread throughout her entire body unless you stop it. Foreman: If that were true, more than her lungs and liver would be affected. [He notices House looking at drawer and jerks his head to indicate House should be helping him to keep a watch out for Cuddy] House: It will be. It'll spread through the biliary tree and ht her pancreas next. Stop retracing your steps, get ahead of it. Forget the liver and focus on the pancreas 'coz after that... actually after that, it doesn't really matter what it is because all roads lead to a dad dwarf. [Foreman finally springs the lock on the drawer. He stands up but blocks the drawer] Foreman: I get why you don't want to go to rehab but only an idiot goes to prison for being stubborn. House: Only an idiot stands between Ahab and his whale. Move. [He opens the drawer and quickly searches but doesn't find any vicodin.] Foreman: Sorry. [House shoves the drawer close in frustration] (Back in the conference room) Chase: Santa's got gifts. [He starts taking stuff out of his bag that he got from Abigail and Maddy's home] Olive oil wasn't in the kitchen; it was in the medicine cabinet. Foreman: Home remedy for ear infections. Cameron: Ear infections are fairly typical amongst CHH dwarfs. Chase: Or it's a symptom. House: It certainly wouldn't indicate a pancreatic problem. Chase: Or House is wrong and it's a symptom. [Foreman turns around and starts writing on the board] Laxatives - don't think they were used to maintain her girlish figure. Cameron: Again, intestinal problems are common. Chase: Again, might be a symptom. Glucosamines suggests chronic joint pain. [Cuddy walks in with Wilson behind her] Cuddy: Who ordered an alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency test? Foreman: I did. Cuddy: You think the problem's in her pancreas? Foreman: I think it will be, I think we need to forget about the liver. Cuddy: We just forgot about the lungs, now we need to forget about the liver? Foreman: We need to stop retracing our steps and get ahead of this thing. [Cuddy and Wilson realise where his information is coming from] Wilson: House, you've tanned. Foreman: You don't think I could have come up with this? Cuddy: Did you? Foreman: You suspended House because it'd be dangerous having him in charge but getting his opinion-- Wilson: I'm sure he gave you that opinion simply because he was worried about the patient? Foreman: Just because House wants his pills doesn't mean his theory is wrong. Cuddy: No, the test results mean that. Your test was negative. And the biopsy indicated severe duct inflammation. Do an ERCP to check the liver for bile duct cancer. Foreman: Just because it wasn't alpha-1 doesn't mean the pancreas isn't next. Wilson: You needed an organ, he needed a fix. He'd have made up any story for a pill, you didn't give him anything did you? Foreman: No. (House is in the clinic of some hospital, a doctor is checking House's cheekbones and jaw) House: Ow. There's no bruise or nothing but it really hurts. Doctor: Unfortunately that pain and lack of bruising is typical of a zygomatic break. House: Wow, sounds bad. Doctor: Hmm, bones are aligned properly. Which ER did you go to after the car accident? House: Princeton-Plainsborough. [He reaches inside his jacket to get a piece of paper] Here's my discharge slip. Doctor: Okay, going to get you some acetaminophen with codeine. House: I err... I tried that, it makes me nauseous. Doctor: Err... there's a drug called gabapentin which is good for certain kinds of pain. House: Great, I haven't slept in days. Doctor: Gabapentin's not really going to help with the sleep. House: Oh. Is there something else you could give me? Doctor: Vicodin's your best bet with sleep issues. House: Thanks so much. Doctor: [holds up a finger] Unfortunately our policy forbids prescribing opiates to new patients. House: How can a clinic have a rule against relieving pain? Doctor: Just for the opiates, we find that it helps weed out drug-seekers. House: You think I'm a drug-seeker? Doctor: I'm not saying that. House: Well then give me the vicodin. Doctor: I can't. House: Because you think I'm a drug-seeker? Doctor: I just said I didn't. Doctor: No, you said that the policy was to stop drug-seeking. Then you said I'm not a drug-seeker, policy doesn't apply. Doctor: I'm sorry, that's the policy. House: Gabapentin works on nerve damage; you're prescribing it for a broken face! Might as well hand out band aids for a severed carotid! Doctor: You're a doctor. House: Not by this clinic's definitions since I'm neither a moron nor a mindless drone! [The doctor quickly picks up a phone and starts dialling] Doctor: Security-- House: Forget it, I'll throw myself out. (Back in Abigail's room) Abigail: That tube is going all the way down to my liver? Foreman: Don't worry, you'll be sedated. Wilson: Sometimes doctors have to do things that make people uncomfortable to help them. [he looks over at Foreman] Foreman: But we always want to respect the patient's wishes and not shove things down their throats. [Abigail seems to be spacing out] Wilson: Foreman. [Foreman bends down to check] You haven't given her the sedative. Foreman: No. Abigail? [He checks her pupils] Abigail? She's unconscious. Wilson: Check her airway. Foreman: Airway's clear. Her breath smells fruity. Wilson: Diabetic ketoacidosis. Foreman: [to the nurses] Hang ________ this drip at .1 ____ per _____ per hour. [then to Wilson] Pancreas is failing, you ready to call House yet? [Wilson sighs] (Cuddy is House's front door and he opens it looking very ruffled and obviously starting to detox.) Cuddy: You were right; the patient's pancreas is failing. House: Told you you'd come begging me for help. [His voice is very rough and husky] Cuddy: Her insulin production is almost non-existent. [House is about to close the door in her face when Cuddy blocks the door] House: Give me my pills, or lose an arm. Cuddy: The girl is dying! House: So give me my pills. Cuddy: Take the deal and I will. House: You'd rather kll this girl than give me my pills? Cuddy: I would rather lose one patient now than the dozens we will lose while you're in prison. House: Well have fun explaining that to her itsy bitsy grieving mother. [he slams the door at Cuddy] (Next day in Cuddy's office.) Cameron: What if we sacrifice this girl and House still goes to jail? Cuddy: I'd feel bad, can we get on with this? House correctly predicted the spread, means we've got a global systemic illness affecting lungs, liver and pancreas so far. Ideas? Chase: Langerhans cell hystiocytosis attcks multiple organ systems. Foreman: Hystiocytosis usually starts in the brain then moves to the internal organs. Abigail's brain is fine. Cystic fibrosis. Wilson: _________ function is normal. Hodgkin's lymphoma - it's a systemic cancer which her dwarfism predisposes her to. Cameron: Any ideas that aren't cancer? Wilson: Cancer fits. Cameron: Autoimmune fits better, we should treat her with prednisone for lupus. Wilson: That'll spike her blood sugar and put her back in a coma. It's much safer to run a double-stranded DNA test. Cameron: Not if she dies before we get the results. Cuddy: One of you is probably right, why don't we hold the sniping until we find out which. Wilson, do an LP for lymphoma, you guys run an antibody test for lupus. (Wilson is talking to Maddy in the waiting area outside Abigail's room) Wilson: Because of your daughter's dwarfism, we've had to pick a higher entry point for the lumbar puncture which increases the risk. Maddy: So why not do the lupus test first? Wilson: In the interest of time we think it's best to proceed on both fronts. Maddy: You have no idea what's wrong with my daughter. Wilson: We have several theories. Maddy: What does doctor House think? Wilson: He's... he had to go home sick. Maddy: My daughter may be dying and he's gone home with the sniffles? Wilson: Oh he's not-- Maddy: He was the only one who seemed to have any idea what was wrong with her. He better be really damn sick. Wilson: He is. [She signs the consent form] (Cameron knocks on House's door) House: [He says through the door without opening it] Unless you've got vicodin, go away. Cameron: House, it's me. I err... [He opens the door looking very pale and with red swollen eyes. The detoxing is definitely going very badly] Cameron: Oh god. I don't have-- House: No pills, no eggnog. Cameron: [notices House's arm through the gap in the door where he's poked his head out to talk to her] What happened to your arm? House: Cut myself. [His left forearm is wrapped thickly in a bandage and one side is obviously still bleeding under it, Cameron walks right in and House shuts the door behind her] (Next scene, Cameron is cleaning the cut for House and he sits on the sofa looking very ragged and exhausted] Cameron: Wilson was wrong about lymphoma, kid's not losing any weight, no night sweats. House: Cuddy send you? Cameron: No. She doesn't trust me not to give you pills. House: She right? Cameron: House, these cuts are straight in a row. You did this on purpose. House: Cutting releases endorphins, endorphins relieve pain. Can you get me some pills? Cameron: No. House: Well then you can leave. Cameron: No constitutional symptoms means-- House: Soon as the kid gets cured, Cuddy's got no pressure to fold. Cameron: You really think she's going to fold? House: Autoimmune fits better than cancer but lupus floods kidneys, usually attcks them first. Kidneys are fine, right? Cameron: Yeah. House, take the deal. You can survive without vicodin. After you were sht you stayed clean for months. House: Yeah, only it had something to do with the absence of pain. [She's about to put a bandage on] No leave that, I want to be able to pour alcohol on it so I can distract myself. Cameron: Then you can rip off the bandage. [She proceeds to bandage the cut up] House: Kid been sick lately? Cameron: Got a history of ear infections. House: You see Abigail's immune system is like a shy guy in a bar. The ear infections - they come in, they try to coax him to... [he sighs in frustration] to hell with the metaphor. You get the point right? Cameron: _____ gets drunk, thrashes the bar. One of the autoimmunes triggered by a minor infection. House: Factor in her age, elevated sed rate, anaemia... it's Still's disease. Start her on prednisone, methotrexates, cyclosporin. Cameron: House, stop this. Please. [She gets up and leaves] (Back at the hospital, Cuddy's in the lobby when Cameron returns.) Cuddy: What'd he say? Cameron: Still's disease. It's chronic but manageable. Cuddy: Yes but that's virtually unconfirmable. And with a treatment more dangerous than what we were considering for lupus. How bad is he? Cameron: Are you asking because you care or because you're wondering whether to trust his opinion? Cuddy: Both. Cameron: He's detoxing, in agony, he started cutting himself. [Cuddy looks very sad] But he's still House. Cuddy: I'll order the treatment. (Next day, Wilson is at the nurse's station signing something when House comes up in the lift. He's wearing his overcoat and looks extremely weak. He clears his throat loudly to gain Wilson's attention and starts walking towards him.) House: Your plan isn't working. Two days down, one to go. Figured I'd show you how much it isn't working. Wilson: Yeah, clearly the drugs have no hold on you. House: We both know that my pride far surpasses my instinct for self-preservation. You want to redeem yourself, give up now. Wilson: And you'll go to jail. House: I've done nothing wrong. Wilson: And you'll go to jail. House: Which makes this your last chance to do me a kindness before ruining my life forever. [Wilson ignores him and is about to take off when House stops him, no longer teasing but talking in earnest] Nausea's bad this time. You write me a script for metaclopamine so I can stop puking. They'd give me that in rehab. Wilson: Then you should go to rehab. I have a patient. [he walks off] [House notices the chart Wilson left at the nurse's station and he picks it up and reads through it] (Wilson is in a dad patient's room talking to an old woman who seems to be the wife of the patient.) Wilson: I'm so sorry for your loss. You know, it's little solace but he went without pain. [House enters] Wilson: House? House: Well, look on the bright side; at least you don't have to go by Mrs. Zebalusky anymore. That's gotta be a relief. [The lady looks absolutely horrified] Mrs Zebalusky: [to Wilson] You know this man? Wilson: I'm sorry, he's sick-- House: You hear my diagnosis on the dwarf? Still's disease. Did you ever consider those ear infections or you just wrote it off as a dwarf thing? You sure he's dad because doctor Wilson sometimes misses things. Wilson: [gets up and faces House] Trying to embarrass me in front of a grieving widow crosses lines that even-- House: Right, I'm pathetic. I'm strung out, I haven't slept, puking every hour and I still out-diagnosed you. But I'm supposed to let you decide what's best-- Mrs. Zebalusky: Please! Please leave. House: [subsides] Sorry. I'm done. [he starts to leave but is halted before reaching the door] Wilson: House, you didn't come in here just to embarrass me, you could do that anytime. [he reaches into House's coat pocket and takes out a bottle full of pills] Stealing oxy from a dad man, yeah, you don't have a problem. (Wilson is waiting in Cuddy's office, she enters.) Wilson: How's the girl? Cuddy: Much better. Wilson: House was right? Cuddy: It happens. Wilson: I thought we could handle this. Still's disease, it never crossed my mind. Cuddy: Don't bat yourself up, I didn't get it either. (Wilson and Tritter are seated in a car but the car isn't running. They're having a chat.) Wilson: [laughs] I feel like a mob informant. Tritter: You want to go inside? Got a cafeteria in here right? Wilson: I can't testify. Drug addicts hurt the people around them with their habit. Tritter: House has hurt plenty of people, you included. Wilson: He saves lives, people that no one else can save and no matter how much of an ass he is, statistically House is a positive force in the universe. Pills let him do that. Tritter: Vicodin does not make House a genius, whatever he does on the pills he can do off. He is just not willing to try. Wilson: I won't testify against him. Tritter: Then we'll subpoena you, your previous statement will be read into evidence and you'll be charged with interfering with an investigation, and you will go to jail. Wilson: Again, statistically better me than him. Tritter: Statistically the two of you will be in jail. (House is washing his face in the basin of a bathroom in the hospital. He watches as he can't control the way his hand now shakes from the detoxing.) (Cameron is at the nurses' station when Maddy appears.) Maddy: Doctor Cameron, come quick, there's something wrong with Abby. Cameron: Couldn't be too severe, her cardiac alarm didn't go off. Maddy: It's not her heart, she's bleeding. [In the room, Abby is bleeding from her ears and mouth and the blood is smudged everywhere on her hands and gown] (Back to House who limps to the pharmacy in the hospital) House: Picking up a script for Zebalusky. Pharmacist: This is err... doctor Wilson's patient. House: Yeah, Wilson's busy right now what with Mr Zebalusky dying in agony on account of his metastatic lung cancer and not having the pills to relieve that agony because of some moron pharmacist. Pharmacist: Sign the book. [House signs it and the Pharmacist hands him the pills. House climbs up a few steps of a flight of stairs and hides in the shadows in private as he takes out the bottle of pills and pops one of them. The relief on his face is almost immediate and he relaxes back against the wall as he waits for the drug to take effect] (Cuddy's office, Ducklings, Wilson and Cuddy are back to discuss Abigail's new symptoms) Chase: Bleeding wasn't a ruptured eardrum, ear infection or bleeding disorder. Her heart rate's climbing, blood pressure's dropping, she's on the verge of a multi system failure. Foreman: Head CT was clean, means it's not a neurological problem. Cuddy: Basically we have nothing. Wilson: Cancer's still on the table. Cameron: Spinal fluid was negative for lymphoma. What other-- Wilson: Leukaemia, we need to do a bone marrow biopsy. Cameron: None of her blood tests suggests leukaemia. Cancer doesn't explain the collapsed lung. Wilson: Unless a small clot led to a pulmonary infarction. Cameron: It's a long-sht, autoimmune is way more likely. Wilson: Autoimmune diseases respond to steroids which we've given her. Cameron: And she got better for a while, we stopped the treatment too soon! Wilson Because she crashed! Foreman: All we're doing is bouncing back and forth between cancer and autoimmune. We're going in circles. [Everyone looks at Cuddy expectantly. She looks uncomfortable than rises from her seat] Cuddy: Give me half an hour. (House is in the cafeteria having some chips (that's french fries for you Americans ;) ) and a drink. He looks fine now and not detoxing like the last time we saw him. A little girl in a wheelchair clutching a soft toy moves towards his table.) Little girl: Can I have a french fry? House: Get your own. Little girl: You took the last ones. House: What's wrong with you? Little girl: I've got spinal muscular atrophy. House: [sighs] At least it's not contagious. [he sets the plate of chips in front of the little girl] Nice bear. Little girl: It's a dog. [she starts eating and Cuddy enters] Cuddy: House, it's not Still's. Steroids helped until the patient started bleeding from the ears and mouth. House: [looks at Cuddy then back at the little girl] It's a bear. Little girl: His name is Bill, he's a dog. Cuddy: You win, you can have vicodin. [she shakes the bottle she's got in her hand and gives a rather funny grin] House: Words have set meanings for a reason, you see an animal like Bill and you try to play fetch, Bill's going to eat you because Bill's a bear. Cuddy: Are you on something? [House gives her a look that confirms her question] You got your hands on pain meds. Little girl: Bill has fur, four legs and a collar, he's a dog. Cuddy: It's between cancer and autoimmune. House: See that's what we call a faulty syllogism. Just because you call Bill a dog doesn't mean that he is... [House has a light bulb moment]... a dog. [He looks up at Cuddy] We've got to x-ray our patient's leg. (Back in House's office, House, Wilson and Cuddy look at the x-ray of Abigail's leg) Cuddy: Her leg looks fine. House: Weird huh? Wilson: Why aren't you detoxing? House: Willpower. [He pops a pill] Wilson: What-- House: Normal's not normal if you're not normal. Wilson: Did you just take a pill? House: No. [Wilson looks at Cuddy, Cuddy looks annoyed] So how does a dwarf have completely normal growth plates? Cuddy: It's impossible. We must be missing something. Wilson: [with his rather one-track mind] How many pills have you taken? House: Not nearly as many as I'm gonna take. Forgotten how delicious they were. Cuddy: I didn't give them to him. House: Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues? We were missing the fact that just because we called her a dwarf doesn't mean she is a dwarf. Everyone assumed she was because of her mother and there's no test for CHH dwarfism so she lost an identity but we've gained a symptom. Cuddy: If she doesn't have skeletal dwarfism then her short stature must be caused by growth hormone deficiency. Wilson: And something's wrong with her pituitary gland and based on her size, it's been wrong for a while. Cuddy: So what connects a long-term pituitary issue with problems in the lungs, liver and pancreas? House: Oh you guys and your bickering. Cancer versus autoimmune. Wilson: Obviously you think it's something else. House: Nope, I think it's both. Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis - also known as you've got your cancer in my autoimmune disease. The immune component responded to the Still's treatment, led to the short-term improvement, the cancer portion didn't. Cuddy: We dismissed this earlier because there were no neurological symptoms. House: Yeah... it's not your fault, the only neurological symptom was her height. Who could have noticed? (House is with Abigail and Maddy in the patient's room.) [House pops a pill again - he seems to be popping them at an alarming rate now, very worrying. He puts the bottle down and points to a brain scan in front of them] House: This is your pituitary gland and this is the granuloma that's been crushing it. No pituitary equals no growth hormone equals... about that much. [He gestures with his hands to indicate shortened growth] Maddy: She's not a dwarf? House: Just hormonally challenged. Abigail: What about my mom? House: Your mom's the real deal. You're just a tiny little poser. The recent ear infections caused your body to release a cascade of these same cells that made the granuloma, attcked your lungs, moved on to your liver then hitched a ride over to your pancreas. We can nuke them with a mild course of chemo then remove the granuloma. Maddy: And then what? What will happen to her then? House: Let me see if I can make this clear. [He picks up his bottle of oxycodone and takes out a pill] This pill represents... a pill. And my mouth represents your daughter's mouth. [He kneels down without even a twinge of pain - he's obviously in no pain at all, not to mention probably high from taking so many oxy in succession to each other] We deposit the pill in the mouth. [he takes the oxy and then stands up] You may never be tall enough to play in the WNBA but you should be able to post up your mom no problem. Abigail: What if I don't take the pills? What if you remove the thing in my head and give me the chemo but not the pills? Would I still get better? House: Your body needs growth hormone for lots of things like... to grow. Abigail: I like who I am now. [Maddy smiles proudly] House: Nobody your age likes who they are now. Abigail: I do. House: You like needing help when you want something off the high shelf? Not being able to press an elevator button about the eighth floor, having to smell ass every time you stand in line? [Maddy draws herself up, obviously insulted] You don't need growth hormone; it's just your ticket out of the freak show. [House takes the scan and walks out of the room, Maddy follows after him outside into the corridors] Maddy: Can't you deliver a diagnosis without making her feel that her life isn't worth living? House: I'm trying to help her. Maddy: You're trying to make her taller. House: Not too tall. Just tall enough to wipe her own butt. [he chuckles at his own joke. Maddy isn't amused] Maddy: Are you high? House: Higher than you. Maddy: If my daughter doesn't want to choose the easy path, I won't force her to. House: Then you're a lousy mom. You want your daughter to be a freak. Maddy: We're not freaks. House: [sighs] You want her to overcome adversity. Maddy: Yes. House: Then why stop at height? Poke a stick in her eye, imagine how interesting she'll be then. Maddy: Being little is not the same-- House: You and I have found that being normal sucks because we're freaks. Advantage of being a freak is that it makes you stronger. How strong do you really want her to have to be? Tell her what you have to tell her, now you tell her you lied, even if you didn't. (Back in the room, Maddy talks to Abigail.) Maddy: This is who you were supposed to be. Abigail: You hate normal. Maddy: It's not that simple. Abigail: If I grow, I'll fade into the background, I'll be boring. Maddy: We'll get you a funny hat. [Abigail laughs] You could never be boring. Abigail: You want me to be like everybody else? Maddy: I want you to have what I can't. (In House's office late that night, most of the lights are off and House is relaxing in his chair behind his desk listening to some music on his headphones. He's fiddling with an almost empty bottle of pills, probably because he's taken most of them throughout the day. He looks very high when Wilson enters the room.) Wilson: Abigail agreed-- [he waits for House to pull down his headphones] Abigail agreed to take growth hormone. House: Who's Abigail? Wilson: Your non-dwarf dwarf patient. House: Oh, good. Then the growth hormone makes sense. He stands up and starts picking up stuff. Wilson: Christmas eve. House: Yeah, I know. Deal expires tomorrow. Wilson: You've plans for tonight? House: You worried I'm going to be popping more pills? [he puts on his coat] Wilson: Thought you might prefer people over pills. [House gives a desultory laugh and leaves; Wilson dejectedly stands in the room alone] (Later that night, House is still fiddling with the bottle in his apartment, it only has 2 pills left. He's seated on the sofa and there's a half empty bottle of whiskey he's been drinking from. He picks up his phone and makes a call.) House: Hey mom, I guess you guys are already up at Aunt Sarah's. I'm sure dad's in the eggnog and you're probably suffering through another dried out turkey. [Long silence] Just wanted to say Merry Christmas. [He puts down the phone and pops another oxy, chasing it down with more whiskey, an explsive combination] (Much later in House apartment, there's the sound of knocking on the door.) Wilson: House? [more knocking] Are you okay? I called 3 times. [He uses his key and opens the door. House isn't on the sofa and Wilson walks into the apartment to find House lying flat out on the floor next to a fallen lamp and a pile of his own vomit. Wilson rushes to him and checks him. Wilson's hair is damp - it's probably raining outside and House's eyes are so dilated when Wilson turns him over, it's uncertain whether he even knows what's going on. Wilson reaches over for the empty bottle of oxycodone next to House and reads it. It's the prescription that should have gone to the dad Mr Zebalusky, patient of Dr James Wilson. It also says "Take as needed. Not to exceed 4 per day". The quantity in the bottle is but House has far exceeded the maximum and finished all of it in one day. House looks up at Wilson and Wilson merely shakes his head before throwing the empty bottle down and leaving House in his mess] (Next day, House finds Tritter alone in the detective's office, it's Christmas day. He enters to talk to the man. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Ella Fitzgerald is playing in the background) House: I'm ready to take the deal. Tritter: That's off the table. House: The clock doesn't expire until-- Tritter: Got new evidence. We don't need Wilson anymore. The thing about addicts, no matter how smart they are, they are dumb when it comes to drugs. So I've been keeping an eye on the pharmacy log, seems some patient of Wilson's, name's Zebalusky managed to pick up his oxy prescription after he died. [House glares at him] Jesus walks huh? Merry Christmas.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x10 - Merry Little Christmas"}	foreverdreaming
[Sirens blaring, building on fre, fre fighters putting it out, two come running out of the burning building] DEREK: You ok? AMY: Yes... my clip woulda veened. BROCK: What the hell do you think you two were doing? AMY: We thought we heard someone in there. BROCK: You NEVER go in without authorisation! DEREK: Captain this is all me, Amy just followed me in. BROCK: So torching your ass last year wasn't enough huh? You need to stop trying to prove how tough you are before you get yourself klled. DEREK: Yes sir. BROCK: [To Amy] Go have the paramedics look you over. [Amy and Brock walk away] RANDOM FIREFIGHTER: C'mon Derek lets get this line up to the 2nd story. Lets go. [Derek goes to get on the truck but stops and starts struggling for breath, he takes off his helmet and puts on a gas mask. Still trying to breath he puts his helmet back on and starts stumbling towards the burning building, Amy sees him and runs after him] AMY: Derek! ... Derek! [She tackles him to the ground before him can make it inside] AMY: Derek. [She turns him over and pulls off his gas mask] AMY: What's happening? DEREK: I'm... freezing! [PPTH: Cameron is using the stethoscope on Derek's back who has some pretty nasty scars all over his back and chest] DEREK: I'm fine. CAMERON: ER docs don't think so. Your temperature is going up and down like a roller coaster. How old are these skin grafts? DEREK: Last one was about six months ago. CAMERON: We're gn run some tests and we'll get consult with Dr House. DEREK: I'll be fine. BROCK: You'll be doing what the doctor said, got it? [Derek nods] I'll check in later. [Brock walks away] AMY: Hey, the way you covered for me last night. DEREK: He's my brother, I know how to eat it from him. AMY: I'm gonna stop by after my shift ok? [Derek nods, Amy walks away] DEREK: [To Cameron] So where is this Dr House? CAMERON: [Thinks about it] Speaking engagement. [Cut to House in court] HOUSE: Not guilty. JUDGE: And on the charge of gaining control of said medication by fraud how do you plead? HOUSE: Not guilty. [sht of Tritter looking annoyed] JUDGE: Very well, preliminary hearing is set for the 19th at 10am at which time I'll determine whether there is enough evidence to proceed to trial. The next case on the calendar People versus Williams charges asault 2nd degree with intent to cause injury... [Judge's voice trails off as House spots Tritter at the back of the courtroom, he starts to go towards him but his lawyer stops him] DEFENCE LAWYER: You going to go talk to him? HOUSE: I was just going to ask him where he gets his haircut. DEFENCE LAWYER: [Whispering] They have your signature, prescription log, a security camera video and a pharmacist sworn statement saying you stole a dad guys pills. Your already looking at 10 years, you wanna add witness intimidation charge? Go ahead, ask him about his hair. [House glares at Tritter but stays where he is.] [Cut to diagnostics office where House is sitting at the table rubbing his leg. Cameron drops a file on the table in front of him] CAMERON: He suffered 3rd degree burns over 54% of his body a year ago and arrived in the ER last night disorientated and shivering, 12 hours his temperature was bouncing between 96 and 102. CHASE: [To House] Why don't you contest the search of the pharmacy records? FOREMAN: Yeah you could argue it violated doctor patient confidentiality. CAMERON: Except that he wasn't the patient or the doctor, he was the guy who stole from the patient and the doctor. [To House] this was the 3rd time he's been disorientated in the last 2 weeks. HOUSE: Running into smoke filled burning buildings can be a bit disorienting. Fortunately I have the cure, stop doing it. CAMERON: He's not in a burning building anymore and he's still shivering. FOREMAN: A hypothalamic tumour can cause vacillating temperatures. HOUSE: So could ER nurses who were too busy to notice that a patient likes both hot coffee and cold sodas [Gets up to walk towards his office, Cameron stands in front of him] CAMERON: He tested negative for Hep C, TB, HIV, Lyme and his tox screen's clean. [House tries to walk past her she moves in front of him again] HOUSE: Case you hadn't noticed, not exactly in the mood to dance. CAMERON: I'm not asking you to dance, I'm asking you to do your job. [House takes the file and looks around at Chase and Foreman, Chase immediately puts his head down and pretends he's not looking, Foreman just stares back at House] HOUSE: EKG showed arrhythmia, probably just a mild heart attck. CAMERON: No chest pain, smoke inhalation already explains the arrhythmia. CHASE: He was in the burn unit for six months and had multiple surgeries, could be a hospital acquired infection maybe MRSA. HOUSE: Works for me, draw blood cultures start him on antibiotics, Vancomycin plus broad gram-negative coverage. [Ducklings start to walk out] [Cut to house walking into Cuddy's office] HOUSE: If you called to see the design for my prison tatts, they're still at R and D. CUDDY: You need to talk to Tritter. HOUSE: Not according to my lawyer. CUDDY: Your lawyer isn't going to be able to get the DA to drop the case, Tritter can. HOUSE: Yeah, you no what else Tritter can do? [Cuddy slams the file down on her desk] CUDDY: You're not impressing anyone, you may call yourself principled but what you really are is a stubborn adolescent idiot! This isn't his fault. HOUSE: I'm not the one who-- CUDDY: [Walking to wards House] YOU used the rectal thermometer on him, YOU insulted him instead of apologising, YOU flaunted your drug use in his face and you REFUSED to accept a deal... HOUSE: I accepted the deal! CUDDY: Not until after you stole a dad guy's pills. HOUSE: Allegedly. CUDDY: Tritter has been opening doors for you every step of the way and you keep slamming them shut. There are no more openings to give House, if you wanna stay out of prison you gotta make one for yourself [She goes to her desk and brings over a script and puts it in house's hand] Vicodin, you function better on it. Talk to him. [Cut to isolation room, Cameron in scrubs taking blood out of Derek's arm] CAMERON: MRSA is a bacteria that often infects hospital patients, the burns on your chest and arm exposed raw flesh that made you a wide open target. DEREK: But the antibiotics will take care of it right? CAMERON: Depends on what strain it is, we will know more once we get the results back from these cultures. DEREK: So this MRSA thing? Would it make everything look blue? [Cut to elevator doors opening revealing ducklings] FOREMAN: He's seeing blue [House still in elevator pops a pill] where'd you get the script from? [Cue walk and talk] HOUSE: Cuddy. Wanna know what I gave her? CAMERON: MRSA wouldn't change his ocular palette. FOREMAN: Heavy metal poisoning could cause vision changes, particularly thallium. CHASE: If it was thallium he'd be losing his hair. HOUSE: [walking into his office] So maybe its menopause. FOREMAN: He's 28 years old. CHASE: Yes his age is the reason it's weird that a MAN has menopause. HOUSE: Male menopause, high oestrogen, low testosterone, explains temperature swings, disorientation, endocrinologically similar to female menopause but without the vaginas and mah-jong tiles. [Walking out of his office again after grabbing his coat] FOREMAN: [Following House, cue another walk and talk] Male menopause doesn't explain the vision. HOUSE: Blue vision isn't a symptom it's a side effect, Viagra, its right there on the label, which I have no reason to have read except that I'm a doctor, but then... [Reaching the elevator] CAMERON: [Interrupts House] He's not taking Viagra. HOUSE: You mean he didn't tell YOU he was taking Viagra, and I don't care how sick he is, trust me, he still thinks he's got a sht. Menopause causes temperature swings, limpness, limpness causes pills, pills cause the blueness. CHASE: He's presenting no other signs of premature aging. HOUSE: Ageing's not the only cause, you said he's got burns to 54% of his body, sure its not 55%? FOREMAN: Burns to his genitals could cause testicular trauma. HOUSE: Which could in turn cause... [Ducklings nod, elevator dings] House: [Going into the elevator] Run a hormone panel, comes back positive pump him full of testosterone and send him home. And stop following me. [elevator closes] [Cut to Derek's room Cameron is inserting testosterone pills into his arm] DEREK: Thank god my parents are dad, if my old man heard I had menopause I'd never live it down. FOREMAN: Its nothing to be ashamed of, once these testosterone pills dissolve your system will be back to normal. DEREK: Yeah but till then I'm an old lady. [Cameron laughs; Amy sticks her head into the room and knocks] AMY: Ok to come in? CAMERON: Its not MRSA, he's not being isolated anymore. DEREK: Anyone not in a white coat is welcome. AMY: You're looking better, how you feeling? DEREK: Good, it turns out I got some hormone thing, they're fixing it right now. [Derek suddenly sits up straight in pain, and then starts to relax again] AMY: You ok? DEREK: Yea I think so I just... [Up straight again] FOREMAN: Derek you in pain? [Derek lies down again] DEREK: You need to get these out. CAMERON: What's wrong? [Derek starts trying to scratch them out of his arm] AMY: [Freaking out] What's going on? FOREMAN: [Getting something out of a drawer] Looks like an allergic reaction. CAMERON: [To Derek] Hold on were going to get you something to stop it. DEREK: No just take them out! CAMERON: You gotta calm down. DEREK: No get them out! [Grabs Cameron round the neck and starts chocking her] Get them out! AMY: Derek! Derek let her go! Derek let her go! [Foreman rushes over and starts trying to pry his hands open] FOREMAN: 2mg of IV lorazepam stat! [Nurse comes and injects the lorazepam into his IV and he lets Cameron go] [Cut to House walking into Tritter's office] TRITTER: Complaint department's a across the hall [House walks over to him] I'm busy, can I just assume that you told me how unfair I'm being and... HOUSE: [cuts him off] I'm sorry... You could throw a dart at all the adjectives between arrogant and unhinged and I'm sure you'd ht one that describes me. There's a reason I operate that way... I live in pain. Pain that on good days is merely intolerable and on bad ones will suck the life-force right out of you. Doesn't mean that I've handled this right, actually, I was wrong. TRITTER: Thank you. I know that couldn't have been easy for you to say. Even if you don't mean a word of it. [Tritter starts to walk away but House follows him] HOUSE: I'm sorry! You can hook me up to a damn polygraph. TRITTER: And I'm sure you'd pass. The thing is I've never been interested in what you have to say; all I care about is what you do. I'll see you at the hearing. [Aerial sht of PPTH] [Cut to diagnostics office, sht of House from under the table playing with a pill] FOREMAN: It wasn't the medicine. Contamination and allergy tests both came back negative. CHASE: And there's nothing to suggest a pulmonary embolism. CAMERON: And his EKG showed the expected tachycardia from the exertion of the attck ...[House continues to play with his pill, Cameron gets sarcastic] and I'm fine by the way thanks for asking. FOREMAN: Aggression comes on that fast, it's gotta have a neurologic basis we should do a CT for frontal lobe tumour and an LP for meningitis. HOUSE: Great, have at it. [Walks out] CAMERON: [Follows] That's it, no challenging our theory, no tearing us down. HOUSE: No need, you got it under control. CHASE: Where you going? HOUSE: Upstairs this time. FOREMAN: To do what? HOUSE: Check myself into rehab. [elevator closes] [Cut to McDaniel Drug Rehabilitation Wing at PPTH] CUDDY: Did Tritter offer you another deal? HOUSE: Nope, this is all me. So no slaps on the back? Encouraging words... WILSON: We are just trying to understand what this is. HOUSE: I hope this is me detoxing, otherwise I soiled a perfectly good pair of underwear last night for nothing. CUDDY: So this is for real, this is not just a show for Tritter? HOUSE: Absolutely it's a show for Tritter, and the Judge, unfortunately unless it's real, there is no show. Hey if it doesn't help my case at least I'll go to prison with heightened senses, all the better to enjoy my strolls around the yard. VOLDEMORT (Guy who works at the Rehab centre): [walks over to their table] Times up, group's starting. [Wilson pulls out a bag of stuff and goes to give it to House but Voldemort takes it off him] VOLDEMORT: Going to need to check that stuff. HOUSE: When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go. [Cuddy pats House on the back] [Cut to diagnostics room] CAMERON: CT was normal, no frontal lobe tumour, LP was negative for meningitis, we're back to square one. CHASE: What about something vascular, polyarteritis nodosa. FOREMAN: Brain lesions would've shown up on the CT. Legionnaires explains the chills and temperature; altered mental status causes the aggression. CAMERON: We would've seen respiratory problems. [Getting impatient with the DDX] We're throwing darts; we need to go to House. FOREMAN: We need to deal with this ourselves. CAMERON: He can make the time, Derek's still his patient. CHASE: The man's life as he knows it could be over. I'd think you of all people would wanna cut him some slack. CAMERON: We're treating a man who runs into burning buildings for perfect strangers. He didn't ask for what's happening to him. House did everything to himself, he's been cut more than enough slack. FOREMAN: Right now, House has more important things to deal with. [Cut to House in group therapy playing with what I would call a chatterbox but I believe Americans call a cootie catcher] WOMAN: That was the first time I'd seen him in months, I guess I was hoping he'd put his arms around me and tell me he understood, but he said he wasn't ready to forgive me. THERAPIST: He may never be ready, you're doing the only thing you can do, keep trying. How about you Greg? You thought about how to fix things with people in your life? HOUSE: No need, people in my life have no expectations of me, makes all our lives easier. THERAPIST: Apparently not. The first step in recovery... HOUSE: [cuts him off] Is admitting I have a problem, I've obviously already done that or I wouldn't be here. I've even embraced step 2, I've admitted there's a higher power, may not be a god perse...[Therapist nods in acceptance] but that Andre the giant guy was powerful. Where I start to butt up against it is step 3, surrendering my will to this higher power. I'm sure Andre's ghost has my back and all but my free will, I never leave home without it. THERAPIST: Kinda like your pills. If you could do this on your own I assume you wouldn't be here. HOUSE: [thinks about it] True. [Cut back to diagnostics office and Cameron is crossing off another illness on the white board- sarcoidosis.] CHASE: [Thinking, suddenly realising something] Everybody lies. [Smiling] His tox screen. CAMERON: It's been clean every time. CHASE: Exactly. It shouldn't be, he's had extensive skin grafts which hurt like hell. CAMERON: Not everybody's House, people can handle pain without any medication. CHASE: But they do have pain. This guy's worried about losing his job so he's hiding the pain, we find out where the pain is, maybe we find out where the problem is. FOREMAN: Or he doesn't feel pain. CHASE: Either way, it's something. [All three beepers go off] [Cut to Derek struggling to breathe, Cameron is the first of the ducklings to run in] CAMERON: When? NURSE: Two minutes ago pulse is 137, respiration 42. AMY: He was fine he was just telling me a joke... CAMERON: Get her outta here! FOREMAN: No fluid in his lungs. CAMERON: O2 stats are 85, he's hypoxic were going to have to intubate. CHASE: [looking at the monitor] It's not his lungs! He's got marked ST elevation he's having a heart attck [Chase injects him with a syringe] [Cut to House, in his room at rehab, lying on his bed still playing with his toy, Voldemort walks in with some meds] HOUSE: Pick a colour. VOLDEMORT: [ignores him and hands him the meds] Medication time. [House opens it up and reads Voldemort his fortune anyway] HOUSE: [Sarcastically] You are a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. [He takes his meds, Voldemort walks out] [Cut back to Cameron coming out of Derek's room] CAMERON: He's sab. FOREMAN: Won't stay that way, his blood test showed troponins and CK-MB up. Chase was right, he was hiding chest pain, he's been having a whole series of heart attcks. CAMERON: Heart attcks can't cause you to reach out and choke someone. FOREMAN: Lack of oxygen to the brain causes disorientation, increased adrenalin causes rage. CHASE: More important question is what caused the attcks. [Foreman sighs, they look at each other, and then Cameron starts to walk off] FOREMAN: Where you going? CAMERON: To see House, we have a 28 year old with clean arteries, no valvular abnormalities, having multiple heart attcks. I'm not going to wait for Chase to give us another breakthrough. [Cut to House with his head in the toilet throwing up] CHASE: Maybe we should go. CAMERON: We don't have an answer yet. HOUSE: I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking! Whoever came up with buprenorphine to ween off Vicodin should be sht. And then sab in the eye [Yelling to Voldemort who is standing just outside the room] I think someone needs to adjust my meds! CAMERON: The heart shows no sign of inflammation or... HOUSE: The cause of the heart attcks isn't internal it must be external, something environmental. CHASE: None of the attcks happened in the same place. HOUSE: Still must be something in common. CAMERON: First one happened in an apartment building fre. FOREMAN: fre, water, smoke, oxygen masks. CAMERON: The 2nd and 3rd ones happened here there's no fre, no water, no smoke. CHASE: His clothes were all different he'd been cleaned. HOUSE: That's the what's, how bout the who's? CAMERON: His partner Amy was at all three attcks but... HOUSE: Anyone else? CHASE: People don't cause heart attcks. HOUSE: Well then you should be worried about proving me wrong. [Cut to waiting room, Brock sitting, Amy pacing, Cameron walks up] CAMERON: Amy? Could you come with me please? BROCK: Anything new on my brother? CAMERON: We're not quite sure yet. [To Amy] Could you come with me? AMY: Yeah. [They walk into Derek's room] AMY: What's this all about? DEREK: I dunno, they wanted to talk to us together. [Derek suddenly sits straight up in pain] AMY: Derek! [Cameron stops Amy from going any closer, Derek can't breathe, monitors go off, Chase puts an oxygen mask on him] CAMERON: House was right. [Cut to sht of outside, snowing, nighttime. Camera pans inside to Amy in a gown giving her clothes to Cameron] AMY: I don't get it, how could I be causing his heart attcks? CAMERON: You may be carrying an agent that triggered them. It could be anything. Mould spores, poisonous plant residues, something you picked up at a fre site. Until we identify the agent we cant let you near Derek. AMY: I can't believe that I'm doing this to him. CAMERON: You can't blame yourself for this. AMY: You know how he got those skin grafts? CAMERON: He was trapped in a fre. AMY: We were clearing rooms in an office building fre, the ceiling collapsed and it cut me off from the rest of the group. I kept yelling that I was fine but Derek refused to wait for the team to clear the debris so he took off looking for another access point. He got caught in a back draft. He almost died because of me once. And now it's happening again. [Cut to a sht of a no smoking sign, camera zooms out to reveal House sitting underneath it smoking, blwing the smoke out of a half open window. Wilson walks in] HOUSE: You're not my Mum, you don't have to keep checking up on me. [Wilson sighs and sits down] WILSON: How you doing? HOUSE: Not bad, considering I just learned that I'm completely powerless. WILSON: See this big fancy wing? It was built because this program works HOUSE: Faulty logic. This big fancy wing exists because some people with money think that it works. They wanna believe that they can buy a better world. This is nothing short of idealised despair, and other people wallow in it. WILSON: I don't even know what that means. HOUSE: None of this means anything. Its just nonsensical, it's slogans and platitudes. WILSON: [Getting annoyed] Meaning takes time. It takes work. HOUSE: What do you think I've been doing? WILSON: You've been here for two days! Talk about wallowing in it. We all get it, we know how much pain you have. You're here to deal with that and get on with your life. HOUSE: Right! I should have an affair with a dying patient and move into a hotel. WILSON: You're a coward house. You find fault in everybody because you're afraid to look at yourself. HOUSE: Thanks, I was running short on platitudes, you can leave now. [Takes a drag of his cigarette and blows it in Wilson's face. Wilson walks out shaking his head] [Cut to Cameron talking to Derek] CAMERON: We tested Amy for about a dozen different agents but they all came back negative. DEREK: [Smiling slightly] So she's not causing the attcks? CAMERON: Derek, are you in love with her? DEREK: What does that have to do with anything? CAMERON: Amy told me how you got those skin grafts, and the way you're always watching out for her, and I see the way you look at her [Derek looks away and sighs] have you told her how you feel? DEREK: She has a 6-year-old daughter. CAMERON: Women with daughters can still fall in love. DEREK: I know, because she did, with my brother, they're engaged. [Cut to House still in rehab] CAMERON: Broken heart syndrome, he's in love and it's klling him. FOREMAN: Thought that only happened to 80-year-old widows. CAMERON: Thanks to his menopause and oestrogen level he basically is an old woman, BHS is an acute physical response to an emotional experience, stress triggers a flood of catecholamines. CHASE: That's a plain old stress cardio myopathy, not a heart attck. CAMERON: But if you're too worried about your job to get it treated they can develop into full on heart attcks, you think it's a coincidence this started when Amy got engaged? HOUSE: No I don't, but now that you know the why what are you going to do to stop the how? FOREMAN: I already put him on beta-blockers and nitroglycerin, no effect. CAMERON: We need to put him on antidepressants. HOUSE: Not if you're right. Antidepressants would inhibit his autonomic nervous system, which would only speed up the heart attcks. CHASE: We could try propylthiouracil, slow down his metabolic rate. HOUSE: Thyroid effect would only weaken the heart. FOREMAN: Only other option is blood thinners. HOUSE: This is not a fat guy with plaque filled arteries and a swollen heart he's a guy who's brain is trying to kll his heart. CHASE: [Running out of ideas] So buy him a girlfriend, make him happy. CAMERON: [Annoyed at Chase's suggestion] That might make YOU happy. The only thing that will make Derek happy is Amy. CHASE: So keep him away from her. CAMERON: He has a myocardial infarction every time she walks in the room, what do you think will happen to his heart when we tell him he can never see her again? CHASE: He needs a shrink. FOREMAN: Chase's idea is as good as any, I mean short of frying his brain and wiping Amy out, we're screwed. HOUSE: [Epiphany] We need Cuddy. FOREMAN: Why? HOUSE: So you can tell her why you need to fry a guy's brain. [Cut to Cuddy, now in rehab room with everyone else] CUDDY: The guy's heart isn't working and you want to shock his brain? HOUSE: Electroshock therapy is the only way to erase his memories of Amy and stop the brains chemical attck on the heart. CUDDY: This isn't 1940 the problem can be controlled with antidepressants. HOUSE: Cameron. [House goes to the fridge] CAMERON: Antidepressants would inhibit his autonomic nervous system, speed up the attcks. HOUSE: [Starts pouring himself a glass of milk] LMNO, PTU, blood thinners, none of them would solve this problem. He's got a real life harlequin romance in his head, were going to pull out the 1940s playbook. Bilateral electrodes, high stimulus sine wave intensity, turning that dial all the way to 11. It's basic brain chemistry, we interrupt protein synthesis altering the neurotransmitter system, the result, no memories, no Amy, no problem. [Takes a drink] CUDDY: [Thinks about it] Go ahead. HOUSE: [To the ducklings] You heard the lady, go plug him in [They leave, Cuddy goes to leave as well] Am I really that pathetic? [Cuddy stops and looks at him] CUDDY: What are you talking about? HOUSE: If I'd pitched electroshock therapy as a cure for broken heart syndrome any other time, you'd have dug in and maybe tried another 100 useless things first. So either you're actually beginning to trust me or... you just feel sorry for me. CUDDY: You presented a reasonable argument. You were clear-headed and non-impulsive about it. You never once used the word moron. The rehab's working House. [Cut to aerial sht of PPTH] CAMERON: You'll still be able to perform routine functions like walking, talking, tying your shoes [Camera moves inside where we see Cameron talking to Derek] the treatment targets the anterior cerebral cortex. It should only effect your experiential memories. DEREK: So my parents, my childhood? CAMERON: If this works, you won't remember them, or your fre fighting training. DEREK: And Amy. CAMERON: Are you ok with that? DEREK: I wouldn't miss her right? CAMERON: Tell Amy how you feel, because if she loves you... DEREK: [Shakes his head] I wont do that to her. Or to my brother. CAMERON: You're effectively klling who you are just to keep this secret. DEREK: She doesn't love me. [Cut to House moulding clay, Tritter walks up] TRITTER: [Looking at what House has made] Caterpillar? HOUSE: Lower intestine with ulcerative colitis. [Tritter smiles] You crash art therapy classes just for the adrenalin rush? TRITTER: Cuddy wouldn't get off the phone until I promised I'd come see for myself. I gotta admit, this move I did not expect. HOUSE: Well don't tell anyone but the photos of smiling people in the brochures, it's just marketing. TRITTER: Well you're obviously making an effort. So I suppose the next step is for me to talk to the DA. HOUSE: Which you have no intention of doing. TRITTER: [Shakes head] No. HOUSE: So words mean nothing, actions mean nothing, what the hell is left? [Tritter shrugs his shoulders and walks away] HOUSE: [Yelling from across the room] You son of a bitch! [Tritter stops and turns around] What about your words, your actions. [House gets up and starts walking over to Tritter] Gotta get House cleaned up, get him to show some humility, when it comes to actually doing something you prove that all you care about is bitch slapping a guy who refused to kiss your ass. TRITTER: You ever trust an addict? You ever give one the benefit of the doubt? How many times did it work out for you? HOUSE: Yeah yeah yeah, I get it, so you were screwed over by your mother, your wife, your partner, but you keep sending them Christmas cards while you take it out on everyone else. TRITTER: No more Christmas cards, no I learned. People like you, even your actions lie [Tritter walks out, while house glares, Voldemort comes up behind House for a look] [Cut to Derek getting hooked up for the electroshock treatment] DEREK: I'm scared. CAMERON: I know, we're going to give you a muscle relaxant so your body doesn't convulse. ANETHESIOLOGIST: [Puts a gas mask on Derek] Count backwards from 10. DEREK: 10...9...8...7... [Falls asleep] [Cameron puts a plastic thing in Derek's mouth while foreman grabs the electrodes and holds them on Derek's temples] FOREMAN: Go. [Chase turns on all the dials and pushes the button and the camera follows the electrical pulse through the wire and into the brain] [Cuts to Derek awake] CAMERON: What's your name? DEREK: Derek. FOREMAN: Heart sounds good. CAMERON: Do you know what city we're in? DEREK: [Thinks for awhile] No. CAMERON: Would you be ok with a couple visitors? [Derek nods and Cameron goes to grab Amy and Brock] BROCK: Derek, its me, Brock? I'm your brother, and when you get out of here you'll be staying with me. [Brock smiles, Derek looks blank] AMY: I'm Amy. I'm your friend. DEREK: I'm sorry. But I don't remember either of you. [Cut to ducklings briefing House in rehab centre] CAMERON: We've giving him 4 rounds of electroshock, the charge made his voice a little higher but the EKG and BP are good. HOUSE: Good. FOREMAN: Going to give him his last round in the morning, then be at court for your hearing. HOUSE: Thanks. CAMERON: I'm going to stay here, monitor Derek. HOUSE: Thanks for the update. [House sees Wilson walking in] My next condolence call is arriving, I'll see you guys tomorrow [ducklings leave, Wilson walks over to House and drops a gift bag in his lap] WILSON: I got you something. HOUSE: [Reaches into the bag and pulls out a red tie] Nice. [Voldemort looks concerned House shows him the empty bag] WILSON: I figured it might help make a good impression on the judge. HOUSE: It's not that nice... I had no business blaming you for any of this. I know you were just trying to help me, protect me, that's what friends do. WILSON: [Surprised] Is this.... an apology? HOUSE: Part of the program, if you don't like it I can stop. WILSON: Not at all, it's just so... unfamiliar. Please, keep going. [House smiles, cuts to another aerial sht of PPTH, looks like morning, camera goes inside shows Amy looking in on Derek, Cameron walks up to her] AMY: He looks lost. CAMERON: It's going to take him a while. AMY: Brock's pulling a double shift. He can't stand to see him this way. CAMERON: Derek's going to need him Amy, I know the timing isn't great with the wedding coming up... AMY: What wedding? CAMERON: Yours. You and Brock. AMY: We're not getting married, we don't even date. Why would you think we're getting married? [Cameron's jaw drops] [Cut to court] PROSECUTER: [To Tritter who's in the witness stand] When you first offered Dr House the chance to check into drug rehab how did he respond? TRITTER: He told me to get out of his office [sht of House looking bored] I warned him that he could end up in prison and lose his medical license. If he was concerned he didn't show it. PROSECUTER: So you continued your investigation. TRITTER: Yes, which is what led me to the hospital pharmacy. [Tritter and Prosecution lawyer keep talking while house's phone rings] DEFENCE LAWYER: [To House] Turn it off. HOUSE: [Answering his phone] I told you never to call me when I'm on trial. [Cut to ducklings gathered around speaker phone in diagnostics office] CAMERON: The memories were false we fried his brain for nothing. CHASE: Whatever was klling him before is still there. FOREMAN: We did an MRI [Goes back to House watching Tritter on the stand] There's some slight hypoperfusion in the upper cortex. PROSECUTION: [Still talking to Tritter] What did you find when you checked the pharmacy logs? JUDGE: Hold on Mr Vickers. HOUSE: Thanks Your Honour [points to the phone] hard to hear. [Talking to the phone] You test for clotting time and LB function? DEFENCE LAWYER: I believe this is a medical emergency Your Honour. [Back to ducklings] CHASE: His blood's normal and his hearts pumping it up to the brain [Back to House] HOUSE: But it's not all getting there, something's obstructing the blood flow. JUDGE: Dr House you were given adequate notice to make arrangements for your patients. [Back to ducklings] FOREMAN: There's no hyper-intensity to suggest a foreign body near the region, and no signs of infection or vascular malformation. [Back to House] HOUSE: It's lower down. JUDGE: Dr House, hang up! CAMERON: [Can hear her voice over the phone, while camera still on House] The cytology on the LP doesn't suggest a tumour. JUDGE: Dr House! Now! [House looks at the judge] HOUSE: [To the phone] Hang on a second. [To the Judge] Does your voice always get that high and annoying when you're angry? JUDGE: Do you want to go to jail? HOUSE: No thank you. [To the phone] Set him up for a selective vertebral angiography, I'm on my way. [hangs up the phone, gets up and starts to leave] DEFENCE LAWYER: Dr House. CUDDY: House, sit down. HOUSE: [Still walking out] Why? I'm bored, there's nothing I can say or do that's going to make a difference here. JUDGE: If you leave this room I will find you in contempt. [House doesn't break stride] CUDDY: [To defence lawyer] Get a recess. [follows House out] [Cut to House entering the hospital] FOREMAN: Are you out of your mind? HOUSE: They said they wanted me there, but I don't think they liked me. His voice isn't high because of the electrical charges, it's another symptom of menopause. [they walk into the OR] His system keeps getting ht by women's issues, so lets follow the pattern. What might obstruct the blood flow that's more common in women than men? [To Chase] Is the catheter in? CHASE: Go back to court, we will let you know the results. HOUSE: Shut up and wire him. [Walks into other room where Cameron is waiting at the computer to watch the results] HOUSE: [To Cameron] Centre the image in the interpeduncular cistern, keep it moving at 30 frames per second. FOREMAN: You think the arteries are narrowing, you're going to need still shts which WE can do without you. HOUSE: The problem is not how wide the road is, it's a guy with a squeegee on the sidewalk, flagging cars. That's what's causing the slow down, we find him we find the problem. [Chase inserts the wire] CHASE: He's wired. HOUSE: Go! FOREMAN: Injecting the dye, blood's in the capillaries. HOUSE: [points to screen] There! Mr Squeegee, spinal meningioma, pushing on the nerves to the vocal chords. Creates the voice change and that nerve just happens to live right near the meningeal branch of the vertebral artery, obstructs the blood flow to the brain, brain malfunctions creating false memories, memories cause love, love kills. And we didn't completely screw up; cleaning the slate brought us time to find the real problem. On the other hand if we'd had been better we wouldn't have needed the time. Schedule him for surgery, dig that thing out and he can start enjoying real misery instead of the fake stuff. [Starts walking away] CAMERON: House [he stops and turns] I just heard that you apologised to Wilson. HOUSE: Detoxing, I didn't know what I was saying. [They stare at each other for a couple seconds and then Cameron gives him a very awkward hug while he just stands there] HOUSE: Excuse me [Cameron lets him go] I have to go to jail. [Leaves] [Cuts back to courtroom with Prosecutor questioning Cuddy] PROSECUTOR: What is your position at Princeton Plainsboro? CUDDY: Chief Administrator and Dean of Medicine. PROSECUTOR: And you're responsible for oversight of the pharmacy? CUDDY: Yes. [House walks in] HOUSE: Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. JUDGE: I hope you don't mind that we continued on without you? HOUSE: I said I was sorry there's no need to be sarcastic. [He sits down, prosecutor continues, shows Cuddy a book] PROSECUTOR: What is this? CUDDY: That's our prescription sign out log from December 24th. PROSECUTOR: Does that appear to be Dr House's signature? CUDDY: Yes. PROSECUTOR: What has he signed for? CUDDY: A prescription for Oxycodone in the name of patient Larry Zebalusky. PROSECUTOR: And did the pills ever reach the patient? CUDDY: No. PROSECUTOR: Why? CUDDY: He was already dad. PROSECUTOR: And Dr House knew this? CUDDY: Yes. PROSECUTOR: So... Dr House had no legal or medical basis for acquiring that Oxycodone? [Cuddy and House exchange looks] PROSECUTOR: Dr Cuddy? CUDDY: He never got the pills. PROSECUTOR: It's his signature, the log is strictly controlled. CUDDY: Dr House did pick up a prescription but it wasn't for Oxycodone. PROSECUTOR: It says Oxycodone, you testified... CUDDY: [Interrupting] I know. But it wasn't Oxycodone. Dr Wilson informed me that Dr House already tried to steal the pain medication of this patient. Which made it clear to me that Dr House was in a particularly vulnerable and desperate state. So I went to the pharmacy and I swapped bottles, Dr House only got a bottle with placebos. PROSECUTOR: I understand your impulse to protect a valued colleague. CUDDY: [Pulling out a piece of paper] I have it right here on the inventory report. TRITTER: [Standing up] Your Honour she's lying she's obviously forged that report. DEFENCE LAWYER: [Also standing up] In light of this new evidence... PROSECUTOR: If this is real why didn't she mention it earlier? DEFENCE LAWYER: I move to dismiss this case. TRITTER: There is other evidence Your Honour. JUDGE: Everyone shut up and sit down. Dr Cuddy why are you only now coming forward with this? CUDDY: [Sighs] I guess I just never expected it to go this far. JUDGE: [Looks away from Cuddy, a little annoyed] The witness is excused. [Cuddy returns to her seat] PROSECUTOR: Your Honour you can't seriously believe... JUDGE: Dr House please stand [House and lawyer stand up] my suspicion is your boss [stops herself] my suspicion is you have better friends than you deserve. Rules and laws apply to everyone, you are not as special as you think. But Detective Tritter chose to make you so. Detective, I don't know exactly what's going on here, but I am sure that this man is not flooding the street with cocaine. I'm also certain that knowing Dr House, he must have done something to set you off but you're going to have to live with it. Given Dr Cuddy's testimony I'm not going to allow this to proceed to jury [sh*t of House looking relieved] case dismissed. Court is adjourned. [House starts to leave] Dr House, you're still guilty of contempt for that little walk out earlier, you'll be spending the night in jail, and after that your going right back to your rehab, bailiff take Dr House into custody. [House gets led off towards his cell] TRITTER: Dr House. [House stops and goes over to Tritter accompanied by the bailiff] HOUSE: So should I be looking for you in the shadows? Flinch every time a car backfires? TRITTER: Good Luck, I hope I'm wrong about you. [Tritter leaves] [House gets led back off towards jail cell looking a bit confused about his last conversation with Tritter] [Cut to PPTH, Derek sitting up on the edge of his bed, dressed] CAMERON: We got the meningioma. Your brain should start generating real memories again. DEREK: What do I do when I get out? CAMERON: You have people who love you, they'll take care of you... You start over. [Derek contemplates having to start his life all over again] [Cut to House lying on his bed in his jail cell, Cuddy and Wilson have come to visit him] CUDDY: Surprised to see you're not spooning your way through the walls. [House sits up] HOUSE: So what do you say? How about a conjugal visit to celebrate? CUDDY: [Annoyed] There's nothing to celebrate House, you made me purger myself - [Which she said a little too loudly so she looks around to see if anyone's there and starts to talk a bit softer] fabricate evidence. You make everyone around you worse for being there. The only bright spot is that now I own your ass! When you get out of rehab, you're going to be pulling double clinic duty, giving lectures to students, helping me find donors and pretty much anything else I ask, you got it? [House nods, Cuddy leaves] WILSON: [Pulls an envelope out of he pocket, House gets up to the bars] Your buprenorphine. [House takes envelope and starts to open it] HOUSE: You get these from the pharmacy or from Voldemort? WILSON: Voldemort, why? What difference does it... [House downs the pills] WILSON: [Shocked] That's Vicodin, he's been slipping you Vicodin? HOUSE: No... he'd be risking his minimum wage job to do that. [House sits down, Wilson looks exasperated] WILSON: The whole time? HOUSE: [Sighs] My higher power said it was ok. WILSON: Nothing's changed? HOUSE: Nothing's changed. [Wilson looks disappointed and starts to walk off but then realises something, turns back to House] WILSON: The apology, you didn't need to do that to make this work. HOUSE: [smirks] Believe what you want. WILSON: [smiling] Goodnight house, I'll see ya tomorrow. [Walks away] HOUSE: Goodnight Wilson. [House lies back down]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x11 - Words and Deeds"}	foreverdreaming
[Cuddy's office. Cuddy's inside. House limps inside, pushing open the doors with his cane.] HOUSE: [cheerfully] How can I help you this beautiful morning? CUDDY: You got any cases? HOUSE: [pretending to think] Three. Got a teenage African-American lung transplant... [starts to count with his fingers] CUDDY: [cutting him off] Next few days, you'll be doing nothing but clinic work. HOUSE: I just said... CUDDY: You were lying. HOUSE: Then why'd you ask? CUDDY: Because if you told the truth, I was gonna give you only one day of clinic duty. HOUSE: That's dishonest. In refuse to participate in this... CUDDY: [firm] You'll do it. You owe me. [smugly] I kept you out of jail, I can put you back. [House knows he's beaten. He starts to leave.] HOUSE: [over his shoulder] Perjurer. CUDDY: [right back at ya] Felon. [House exits.] [Clinic, Exam Room Two. House enters. An African-American man (AKA "Runny-nose Guy") is inside.] HOUSE: How can I help you this beautiful morning? RUNNY-NOSE GUY: I-I told the nurse I have a runny nose... but I don't. I think I have, uh, syphilis or gonorrhea. [The camera pans across House's back, as we...] [Clinic, Exam Room Three. Speaking to House now is a twenty-something attractive lady, who seems upset.] LADY (EVE): I think I have an STD. [Clinic, Exam Room One. House turns around to face his next patient - a woman (AKA "Bashful Old Lady") in her late sixties.] BASHFUL OLD LADY: I think I have a... [points downwards] [House says nothing. Expressionlessly, he reaches for the rubber glove dispenser. He pulls out one, then two, then thinks it wise to pull out one more.] [Nurse's Station/Clinic Waiting Room. House limps over to the station, holding a swab (of what is anyone's guess) at arm's length in disgust. He drops it on the counter for the nurse to handle. He moves over to the waiting room and addresses the "sick people".] HOUSE: Who is here for a runny nose? [A few people raise their hands.] HOUSE: It's a cold! It'll get better. Go home! [The "runny-nose" people leave.] HOUSE: Those of you who have stayed obviously do not have colds. [As House speaks, one of the patients (AKA "Ear Guy") is scratching his right ear a bit too hard. Cuddy comes out of her office, having heard House's tirade.] HOUSE: You'll be assigned a doctor, who is not me, 'cause I'm tired of wiping crotches. CUDDY: [striding up to House] House! You're doing this. [House is about to plead his case, when suddenly Ear Guy jumps up screaming to high heaven, clutching his right ear, giving everyone a start. Clutching his head in his hands (like it's about to explode), he starts to run "agony laps" around the nurse's station in agony.] EAR GUY: [screaming] It hurts! NURSE: [trying to calm him down] Sir... [The nurse tries to stop him, but he keeps running, still screaming bloody mrder. Cuddy has no luck in stopping him. She looks at House. House only watches with interest as the guy runs another agony lap.] CUDDY: [to nurse] Call security. [House limps over to the pharmacy, just as Ear Guy makes another lap.] PHARMACIST (MARKO): Should I get a sedative? HOUSE: No, I'm good, thanks. [Ear Guy, still screaming, is about to finish another lap. Marko goes to get the sedative, regardless of how House feels. Cuddy looks afraid. House picks out for a syringe from the pharmacy.] EAR GUY: [high-pitched] Head on fre!! [House swings his cane in front of Ear Guy, tripping him, dropping him to the floor, where he continues to scream and writhe in agony. House goes up to him with the syringe, tossing Cuddy his cane. He jabs his knee into the man's ribs to keep him steady. He pulls out the syringe cap with his teeth and sticks the syringe into the guy's behind. The screaming and writhing stop almost immediately. Cuddy kneels down to check on the guy. When she turns him over, she sees his face is still contorted with agony.] HOUSE: [calling] Need a team here! MARKO: I have the sedative! CUDDY: Little late. HOUSE: [taking the sedative] Just in time. CUDDY: What did you give him? HOUSE: Paralytic. CUDDY: Why would you do that?! HOUSE: Somebody had to stop the screaming. CUDDY: Then he's still in pain. [House injects the sedative in the guy's arm.] HOUSE: Yeah! But quietly. [A team comes up with a stretcher.] HOUSE: [to them] Paralytic stopped him breathing. He goes hypoxic, he's gonna be quiet forever. [Cuddy and House move out of the way, as the emergency medics go to work on Ear Guy. House limps up to a quietly-seething Cuddy.] HOUSE: So, either I can continue to swab people's privates, or I can figure out if this guy's delirium, pain and insanely high heart-rate are life-thrat or just a personality quirk. [Cuddy gives him a resigned look.] HOUSE: I think the latter choice is better for all three of us. [Ear Guy's room. He's hooked up to life-support and awake.] FOREMAN: [vo] He's sedated. It took five cc's of haliperidol to get him down after the paralytic wore off. [Diagnostics office. House confers with the Ducklings on Ear Guy's case.] HOUSE: So, pain in his right ear, psychotic behaviour and dizziness. Go! CHASE: Nurses said he was holding his head. How d'you know it was specifically his ear? HOUSE: Because he was dizzy. Means the problem was affecting his inner ear. CAMERON: Nurses said he was running in circles. Doesn't mean he was dizzy. HOUSE: He wasn't running in circles. He was running in oblongs. Looked like a three-year-old kid drew them. FOREMAN: Acoustic Neuroma that started a haemorrhage. HOUSE: 'Splains the pain, vertigo, everything. Get an MRI. [Foreman looks victorious. Cameron shrugs. They get up to go.] HOUSE: What else? [They sit down, unsurely.] FOREMAN: If it explains everything, what...? HOUSE: It might not explain everything. CHASE: What if he was psychotic first? Then self-mutilated, damaged the ear. HOUSE: Excellent. Need a complete psychiatric work-up. [They get up to go.] HOUSE: [to Cameron] Your turn. CAMERON: Uhh, I was... gonna say what Foreman... HOUSE: Well, say something else. CAMERON: [opening the file] He... came to the clinic. HOUSE: [patronizing] Goood... CAMERON: [bit more confident] Decent chance he had a chronic illness first, 'specially given the rapid heart rate. [Foreman raises a skeptical eyebrow.] HOUSE: [seems impressed] Hmm. CAMERON: [even more confident] Lingering ear infection. Pressure builds up in his inner ear, bursts through the mastoid bone while he's waiting in the clinic. HOUSE: [almost imitating an orgasm] Ohhh, yes! Get a head CT, draw a blood culture, run a chem panel and get a complete blood count. [They start to leave. House moves towards his office.] HOUSE: Oh, while you're at it, pour some alcohol into his ear and take out the cockroach. [The Ducklings look nonplussed.] FOREMAN: He has a cockroach in his ear? HOUSE: [collecting his coat from his office] He was scratching that ear right before the event, so I took a peek. My guess is, it started biting. CAMERON: [wearily] Nothing else wrong with him? HOUSE: Wasn't that enough? Pretty gross. CHASE: So, why are we doing the tests? HOUSE: Well, it's either that or I have to keep doing clinic duty. Do the tests or just stay out of Cuddy's sight, I don't really care which. [Foreman and Chase leave, while Cameron tosses the file back onto the table.] [Jogging park. House sits on a picnic table. The extracted pea-sized bug skitters across his hand, as he blows gently on it. Wilson approaches.] WILSON: Why are you here? HOUSE: [shooing away the bug] Because it's not a hospital. WILSON: It's a jogging park. You're not jogging. You can't jog. HOUSE: Watching jogging. I sit, I watch, I imagine. [With a slight smile, Wilson sits on the table next to House.] WILSON: So... what do you watch for? HOUSE: [motioning] That guy's running in shorts. [Wilson turns to see the guy "jogging" past two female joggers.] WILSON: He's not jogging, he's trolling. HOUSE: [smiles in approval] You're good at this. WILSON: How long are you goin' to stay here? HOUSE: Beauty of this place is that it's the last place Cuddy will look. [Wilson smiles and nods.] [PPTH. Clinic, Exam Room. A balding shabby-looking homeless old man sits on the table. Cameron enters cheerily.] CAMERON: How can I help you? HOMELESS OLD GUY: The doctors gave me this. [produces a note] CAMERON: [taking the note] What doctors? HOMELESS OLD GUY: At the other hospital. Last month. [Cameron peruses the paper. She then looks up somberly at him.] CAMERON: [gently] Do you know what this is? HOMELESS OLD GUY: Yes. CAMERON: [reading] "Patient has a six centimetre mass in the right lung. Cancerous. Inoperable." Do you understand what this means? HOMELESS OLD GUY: Is it okay if I sleep here tonight? [Cameron looks at him, sympathetically.] HOMELESS OLD GUY: It's cold outside. [Outside Exam Room/Nurse's Station. Cameron walks outside, feeling a bit morose. She walks over to the nurse's station. Cuddy, at the station, sees her.] CUDDY: What're you doing here? Thought House had a case. CAMERON: He doesn't. [Jogging park. House lies spread out on the picnic table (almost resembling Christ on the Crucifix). Cuddy walks up and leans over him, looking directly at him.] CUDDY: You ordered a CT on a patient with a bug in his ear? HOUSE: How'd you know I was here? CUDDY: Ran into Cameron in the clinic. HOUSE: [getting up] "Ran into"? CUDDY: You ordered pointless tests just to... HOUSE: Wouldn't've been pointless if you didn't "run into" Cameron. CUDDY: She got punished. She's stuck with another dying patient. [House pops a pill.] CUDDY: [what the...!] Is that Vicodin? HOUSE: Breath mint. Thought you were gonna kiss me. CUDDY: What happened to rehab? HOUSE: I got out. CUDDY: [understanding, sighing in exasperation] It was a scam? HOUSE: Enough foreplay. You gonna kiss me or not? CUDDY: You are going back to the clinic. Or jail. HOUSE: [amused] You perjured yourself to keep me out of jail. How're you...? CUDDY: I only did that because I thought you were getting clean. HOUSE: So it's do clinic duty or go to jail. CUDDY: Yes. HOUSE: Then it'll be finish your paperwork or go to jail. Help with fundraising or go to jail. Do your job or go to jail. I think I'd rather go to jail. [He grabs his cane and gets off the table, walking past Cuddy.] CUDDY: [turning to him] You owe me. [House looks at her; she gives him a smug look. House relents.] [PPTH. Clinic, Exam Room.] [POV: Patient's (AKA "Sherlock Nose") nostril. House looks through an otoscope at the screen.] HOUSE: Bea-utiful. SHERLOCK NOSE: Thank you. It's dry. HOUSE: Who cares. It's beautiful. [Camera moves from the nostril into the exam room. House rolls his chair to the table to change the lens on the otoscope.] HOUSE: If my lawn was half as well maintained as that, pigeons wouldn't have the nerve to poop on it. SHERLOCK NOSE: Good grooming is important. HOUSE: Is that a sht? SHERLOCK NOSE: [calm and collected] People do judge you on your appearance. [House rolls the chair back to Mr. Nose.] SHERLOCK NOSE: When you entered, I noted your shirt hadn't been pressed; you hadn't shaved in quite some time. [House looks into his nose using the otoscope.] SHERLOCK NOSE: I extrapolated you were a person for whom detail is not a major concern. I was worried you might apply the same standard in your work. HOUSE: [interrupting] You use toe-nail clippers up there? SHERLOCK NOSE: They're longer, so they allow me to better reach the upper hairs. HOUSE: I am wearing a rumpled shirt, and I forgot to brush my hair this week. You've got athlete's foot in your nose. [Sherlock seems appalled. He moves his hand to his nose, but self-consciously puts it back down.] HOUSE: [coolly] I'm ready to be judged. [Waiting area. Cuddy's at the pharmacy. House slaps a file on the counter and addresses the "sick people" again.] HOUSE: Okay! Fifty dollars...! [Cuddy turns around to look at House.] HOUSE: ...to any patient who's willing to leave here right now. [Cuddy has a bewildered look on her face. An African-American man (AKA "Fifty-buck Dad") seems interested. He motions to his bespectacled eight-year-old kid (AKA "Fifty-buck Son").] DAD: Get your stuff. CUDDY: House! You can't... HOUSE: My money. CUDDY: I don't care. People do not... HOUSE: [handing over $50 to the dad] They leave, fifty bucks. They're not all that sick. [looks at the people] [Dad and son leave.] CUDDY: Or they're poor. [House gets rid of another patient.] CUDDY: And desperate. Which was why this place is here. HOUSE: If they're that poor, then they'd rather have fifty bucks. [A well-dressed old guy walks up, coughing into his handkerchief.] OLD GUY: [hoarsely] Can I have the money? [House grabs the old guy's hand, which holds the kerchief, to show Cuddy. The kerchief is monogrammed "DS" and has a small blood stain near the monogram.] HOUSE: Look. It's monogrammed. He doesn't need money. Ergo, he's not sick. CUDDY: And the blood? HOUSE: [shrugging it off] Could be anybody's. Monogram's definitely his. [House hands him the fifty bucks. The old guy leaves happily.] CUDDY: [smiling (for the sake of appearances)] We need to talk. [They walk towards her office.] [Cuddy's Office. Cuddy opens the door, followed by House.] HOUSE: [melodramatically] Doesn't matter what you say, do or thrat. I will find a way out. CUDDY: How can we make this more interesting for you? HOUSE: How can we make the sky green? How can we make the tall short? You cannot make the uninteresting interesting. CUDDY: [with a crooked smile, enticing] I'll pay you ten dollars for every patient you diagnose without touching. [House is definitely intrigued.] CUDDY: You pay me ten dollars for everyone you have to touch. HOUSE: You're making this into a game for me. From which I can only conclude this isn't a game for you. CUDDY: No. HOUSE: Why? Think if I deal with enough people, I'll find some humanity? CUDDY: Yes. [And so it begins. The following montage is filmed using a handheld camera.] [Clinic, Exam Room. A patient (AKA "Tongue Guy") is pressing his tongue down himself, with a tongue depressor. House sits in front of him, looking down his throat.] TONGUE GUY: Wha' ah ha' todo 'is mahsulf? (Why do I have to do this myself?) HOUSE: I got a bum leg. Say "Aah". TONGUE GUY: Aaahhh-aahh. [House grimaces as he looks into his throat.] [Clinic, Exam Room. A lady (AKA "Stomach Lady") sleeps on the table, her shirt pulled up to her midriff. She feels the area around the solar plexus. House sits nearby (no touching!).] STOMACH LADY: Feels rough. HOUSE: Yes! It's a rash. Can't get any more than "rough". STOMACH LADY: [exasperated to have to do it herself] Well, [mutters] it's just rough. Can't you feel it? HOUSE: Well, I could. But then, what satisfaction would you get? [She keeps rubbing her solar plexus.] [Clinic, Exam Room. A teenage patient (AKA "Pulse Dude") sits on the table, trying to find a pulse on his left arm.] PULSE DUDE: Got it. HOUSE: [checking his watch] Start counting. [Pulse Dude starts counting mentlly.] HOUSE: [two seconds later] How many? PULSE DUDE: T-twenty six. [House, astonished, mouths the word "twenty", closes his eyes and purses his lips.] HOUSE: Okay. Either you suck at math, or you're gonna die in two seconds. [waits a couple of seconds mock-expectantly] You suck at math. [Nurse's station/Clinic. House limps to the station, file in hand. Cuddy's there, signing something.] HOUSE: Diagnosis! [slaps the file down, picks up another] Prescription! [to Cuddy] You owe me thirty. [Cuddy smiles in the background. House limps to the Exam Room One. He opens the door to find a really attractive lady sitting there (might I add, wearing a low-cut dress!). She smiles at House and waits expectantly. House closes the door, with a dubious expression on his face.] [Nurse's station. House approaches Cuddy from behind.] HOUSE: I owe you ten. [Cuddy smiles, giving him a "I-guessed-as-much" look.] CUDDY: [holding up a file] Test results are back for your STD patients. I'm not paying you for them. You already touched them. [House considers it and limps off.] [Clinic, Exam Room. House slaps the file on to a cart. Runny-nose Guy is back.] HOUSE: How old are you? RUNNY-NOSE GUY: Thirty. HOUSE: And you've never seen an after-school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms? RUNNY-NOSE GUY: [rattled] Oh God, I h... I have an STD. HOUSE: No. But you will. Every patient who comes in here for an STD test has one thing in common. They had SWS. "Sex While Stupid". [The camera pans across quickly as we...] [Clinic, Exam Room. House testily addresses Bashful Old Lady.] HOUSE: [fatigued] How old are you? BASHFUL OLD LADY: [looking down] Sixty. HOUSE: [looks up in disbelief] You're lying. That's not the point. You've never seen Dawson's Creek? [Clinic, Exam Room. House now speaks to Eve, who still seems upset.] [TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: Just so y'all know, Eve is upset throughout the episode. So I'm not going to write "EVE: [upset] yada yada" every time she speaks.] HOUSE: And you've never seen an after-school special? How do you get to your age and not know about condoms? EVE: I have an STD? HOUSE: Yeah! You're actually the first one today. Lucky day. Not for you, but gotta feel good for everyone else. [Eve drops her head and breaks down. She sobs loudly. House turns around.] HOUSE: It's Chlamydia. As bad news goes, 's about the best. [That doesn't seem to reassure her. She continues weeping quietly.] HOUSE: Oh, settle down. It's treatable. It's actually curable. [No effect. She seems to be getting even more worked up. House puts a couple of pills in a plastic cup.] HOUSE: [no idea what to do] All you have to do is take these pills... [He holds the plastic cup in front of her. Suddenly, she lashes out, almost savagely, knocking the cup and pills out of House's hand.] EVE: DON'T TOUCH ME!! [She glares at House. House looks at her and understands.] HOUSE: [quietly] Oh God. [Eve slows lowers her head.] [Cuddy's office. Cuddy's at her desk. House enters.] HOUSE: [seriously] I need someone to cover a patient. CUDDY: House, you're committed to... HOUSE: She was rped. [bat] Think I'm the right doctor for her? [Aerial sht of PPTH. Day.] [Clinic, Exam Room. Cuddy speaks with Eve, who sits huddled up on the table.] CUDDY: We've assigned another doctor to your care. EVE: I didn't mean to upset Dr. House. CUDDY: He knows that. That's not why we're doing this. EVE: I'd like to keep being treated by him. CUDDY: [huh?] W-Why? EVE: Just do. CUDDY: Trust me, it's better if you deal with somebody who specialises... EVE: I'm fine. CUDDY: You told Dr. House it's been less than a week. You haven't told anyone other than him. Emotionally, you're still... EVE: [getting mad] You know what I'm dealing with? You know what I'm going through? CUDDY: [quietly] No. You think Dr. House does? [bat] I'm not suggesting either one of us be your doctor. Dr. Stone is psychiatri... EVE: [resolute] If Dr. House is too busy, I could wait. [Cuddy looks at her, resigned.] [Clinic, Exam Room. Eve leans up against a wall. House sits on a stool at the other end of the room.] HOUSE: Why do you want me? EVE: I don't know. HOUSE: [shrugging] I don't wanna treat you. EVE: You're just saying that so I'll see the psychiatrist. HOUSE: True. 'Cept for the word "just". I'm saying, I don't wanna treat you so you'll see the psychiatrist _and_because I don't wanna treat you. [She walks forward and leans on the table, looking at him.] EVE: Why don't you wanna treat me anymore? HOUSE: I never wanted to treat you. Fact that you were rped [bat, sighs] holds no interest for me. It's nothing personal. There's nothing to treat. You're physically healthy. EVE: [purses her lips] Okay. [House nods and gets up to leave.] EVE: [persistent] But I want you to be my doctor. HOUSE: [turns] Why? EVE: [shakes her head] I don't know. HOUSE: You gotta have a reason. Everything has a reason. EVE: I trust you. HOUSE: Ah, see, that's a bad reason. 'Cause I'll lie to you. I'll tell you anything just to get you out of here. EVE: I don't care. I wanna talk to you. HOUSE: [lowers his head, moves towards her] Look, you were rped. All control was taken away from you. You're trying to find that control again. You want me because I don't want you. EVE: [pissed] I'm raping you? HOUSE: In a very non-invasive, more annoying than trauma... EVE: [yelling] Get the hell out of here! HOUSE: I'll send in Dr. Stone. [He opens the door, looks at her and leaves.] [Homeless Old Guy's Room. The man is in a bed, hooked up to monitors and IV lines. Cameron enters.] HOMELESS OLD GUY: [drawling] I didn't consent to all this medicine. CAMERON: You've been out on the streets. No treatment... HOMELESS OLD GUY: I'm dying, there's no treatment for dying. CAMERON: We can make you comfortable. HOMELESS OLD GUY: Don't wanna be. CAMERON: Why not? HOMELESS OLD GUY: Because I screwed up my life. CAMERON: So you wanna punish yourself for messing up my life? HOMELESS OLD GUY: [appealing] Please, stop the treatment. [Cameron looks at him.] [Clinic, Exam Room. House is now attending to a new patient - a guy with hiccups (AKA "Hiccup Guy").] HOUSE: It'll go away on it's own. HICCUP GUY: It's not can... [hic] HOUSE: No, it'll go away. HICCUP GUY: [hoarse] It's been all day. There must be some treatment you... HOUSE: Nope! It'll go away. HICCUP GUY: [hic] HOUSE: Or... it won't go away. [starts to leave] HICCUP GUY: I read about a treatment. [House turns at the door, irritably.] HICCUP GUY: Some guy won a prize for it. [House looks at him suspiciously - yeah, they give Nobel Prizes for curing hiccups.] HICCUP GUY: I read about it. HOUSE: You don't have the hiccups, do you? HICCUP GUY: [opens his mouth a bit and simulates a hiccup sheepishly] [Nurse's station. House slams the Hiccup Guy's file on the counter. Cuddy approaches.] HOUSE: [to the nurse] Make a note. Drug-seeking behaviour. CUDDY: Morphine? HOUSE: No! al-digital stimulation. [He turns and sees Eve speaking with Dr. Stone in another room.] HOUSE: How long has Stone been in with her? CUDDY: Are you concerned? HOUSE: You know how many people get rped everyday? CUDDY: So it's common, therefore boring. HOUSE: We were to care for every person suffering on the planet, life would shut down. CUDDY: How 'bout just the ones we meet? HOUSE: They deserve our sympathy more than the other people? CUDDY: So your solution is not to give a damn about any of them? How do you do that? How do you take that theory and put it in practice? You met her... [House looks over her shoulder and sees something.] HOUSE: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Whoa! [He runs off-screen. Cuddy looks behind in bewilderment.] [PPTH Lobby. It's the same father-son duo (Fifty-buck Dad and Son). The son is on a wheelchair, being wheeled in by a doctor. Dad is by his side. House limps over to them.] HOUSE: Hey! [to the doctor] I paid these people fifty bucks to leave here an hour ago. FIFTY-BUCK DAD: Yeah, we came back. [The doctor seems puzzled.] HOUSE: Then you owe fifty. DOCTOR: The kid needs surgery. HOUSE: [skeptically] And he could walk way back then. [to the son] Stand up, kid. [The son stands.] DOCTOR: He swallowed a magnet. We gotta cut it out. HOUSE: How old are you? FIFTY-BUCK SON: Eight. HOUSE: And he swallowed something stuck to a fridge? Darwin says let him die. [The dad gives him a WTF look.] HOUSE: It's already below the stomach. It should pass on its own. DOCTOR: Strong magnet. It's messing with the imaging. We have no way to... [House kneels in front of the son and lifts up the kid's shirt, exposing his stomach.] DOCTOR: Got X-ray vision, House? [House thinks a bit, then reaches over and pulls out a scalpel. He removes the protective cover with his teeth.] FIFTY-BUCK DAD: [scared] Whoa, whoa, whoa! You gonna cut him open? Right here? [House doesn't incise, he just moves the scalpel slowly in front of the boy's stomach, near the belly-button. The dad starts freaking out. The doctor bends over to look. The scalpel sticks to the boy's stomach, left of his belly-button. The dad and the doctor look relieved.] HOUSE: It's well into the intestines. He's fine. [takes the scalpel and stands] I want my fifty back. [The dad starts rummaging through his pockets, when a shout is heard.] DR. STONE: I need a crash cart! Stat! [House turns.] [Clinic, Exam Room. Eve lies on the floor, convulsing. Dr. Stone kneels down to check up on her.] [Clinic. House limp/runs into the clinic.] [Clinic, Exam Room. Cuddy comes running inside.] [Clinic. House is nearing the exam room.] [Clinic, Exam Room. Eve is foaming at the mouth. She's unconscious, yet convulsing. Cuddy kneels down beside her. House enters.] HOUSE: What happened? DR. STONE: Pills. Benzos. We need to get her stomach pumped. CUDDY: Breastplate sounds shallow. HOUSE: [to Dr. Stone] What did you say to her? DR. STONE: [defensively] Nothing that would make her want to... CUDDY: Heartbeat's irregular! HOUSE: What did she say to you? DR. STONE: Nothing. I gave her a couple sedatives, turned around, she grabbed the whole bottle. [The emergency team starts to intubate.] HOUSE: You must have said something. DR. STONE: I said plenty, she said nothing. I was with her for over an hour. She didn't say one word. [House watches as the emergency team works on Eve.] [Eve's room. She's asleep. Her hands are tied to the bed. House sits nearby, playing on his PSP. Eve wakes up. She sees House. She tries to raise her arm, but finds it tied to the bed. She drops her arms in frustration. House notices the movement. Keeping the PSP aside, he goes over to her and checks her pulse.] HOUSE: You gonna do that again? [She slowly shakes her head. He unstraps the binds around her left wrist.] HOUSE: You're gonna be okay... physically. EVE: Which is all that interests you. [He goes over and undoes the bind on her right wrist. He looks at her.] EVE: You're here. HOUSE: Under orders. EVE: Why would you tell me that? HOUSE: 'Cause I don't like hypocrisy. EVE: But you don't have a problem with cruelty? [House shines a flashlight in her eye to check up on her. Satisfied, he pockets the flashlight.] HOUSE: Which brings us back to, why do you want me? EVE: I don't know. HOUSE: Tried to kll yourself 'cause you couldn't talk to me. Must have a reason. EVE: [quietly] Why's there always have to be a reason? Can't we just talk? HOUSE: [getting annoyed] There's a phone. Talk to a friend. Family-member. Call the police. [She sighs and turns her head away.] HOUSE: [sighs in defeat] You wanna talk about what happened to you? EVE: No. HOUSE: [sitting on a stool] Talk about your STD meds? EVE: No. HOUSE: You don't really seem to wanna talk. EVE: No, I do. HOUSE: 'Bout what? EVE: I don't know. Anything. HOUSE: The weather? [She seems to agree with that subject.] HOUSE: You were rped and you want to talk about the weather? EVE: [nods] Yeah. HOUSE: [getting up in exasperation] I'm not gonna talk to you about the weather. [He limps over to her and straps the binds around her wrists again. She turns her head away.] [Diagnostics office. A really flustered House speaks to the Ducklings, while pouring himself some coffee.] HOUSE: [to Cameron] You'll help her! CAMERON: She wants you. FOREMAN: God knows why. HOUSE: She doesn't know what she wants. CAMERON: She knows she wants you. You're the first person she spoke to about this. HOUSE: Fact that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, should be trumped by the fact that I'm useless at this. CAMERON: No, you're not. CHASE: [to Cameron] You romantically wanting to believe that is never gonna make it true. [House glares at him.] CHASE: [defensively] I'm agreeing with you. You're the last person she should be talking to. FOREMAN: She wants to talk about the weather, talk about the weather. She wants normalcy. She wants to feel like the world didn't end. HOUSE: Right. I'll tell her that everything went on without her. Babies were born, people got married. Thousands of people will remember the day she got rped as the happiest day of their lives. FOREMAN: You might not wanna phrase it quite that way. CAMERON: You need to get her to talk about what happened. FOREMAN: No, he doesn't. CAMERON: [to Foreman] Pretending it didn't happen... FOREMAN: Wrong! Pretending this didn't happen is the best thing she could possibly do. CAMERON: [to House, firmly] She's gotta make this real. FOREMAN: You know what we should be trying to make real or process? The few decent moments in our lives, not the crap. CAMERON: [getting mad] Maybe you're right! Except there's no way she can pretend this didn't happen, so she has no choice but to process it. [House considers this.] [Eve's room. House busts in.] HOUSE: You gotta tell me what happened. EVE: You don't really wanna hear. HOUSE: [undoing her binds] Sure I do. EVE: You're lying. HOUSE: Doesn't have to destroy your life. EVE: I know. HOUSE: Doesn't mean anything about you. Wasn't your fault. EVE: I know. HOUSE: You did nothing wrong. Some jerk hurt you, that's all. EVE: [sitting up] I know. HOUSE: You're worried that you can never trust men again. EVE: [shaking her head] No. HOUSE: Statistically, there was always a chance this could happen. The fact that it did happen doesn't change anything. World doesn't suck anymore today than it did yesterday. EVE: I know all that. HOUSE: [no idea what to say] Then what do you want me to tell you? EVE: Nothing. I just want to talk. HOUSE: About nothing. [She nods.] HOUSE: We talk about nothing, nothing will change. EVE: It might. HOUSE: How? EVE: Time. Time changes everything. HOUSE: [trying to shrug it off] It's what people say. It's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things,... leaves things exactly as they were. [She looks at him tearfully.] [Homeless Old Guy's Room. Cameron sits by his bed.] CAMERON: Why do you have to suffer? HOMELESS OLD GUY: I gave my word. CAMERON: Who would make you promise that? HOMELESS OLD GUY: My father. He said I would die alone and miserable. CAMERON: That's not a promise. And even if it was, he's dad and even if he's not, he's not gonna care. HOMELESS OLD GUY: Why did your husband have to suffer? CAMERON: [astonished] How do you about my husband? HOMELESS OLD GUY: Well, I just know. [Cameron stands up and goes to his bed.] CAMERON: You have to die in pain because of a promise you made to your father? HOMELESS OLD GUY: If I'd say "yes", you'd use that as proof that I'm insane. Force treatment on me. CAMERON: Did the nurse tell you about my husband? HOMELESS OLD GUY: No. [Not believing it, she walks to the door.] CAMERON: [calling] Nurse! HOMELESS OLD GUY: Yes! [Cameron turns to him. The nurse appears at the door.] CAMERON: [to the nurse] It's under control. [The nurse nods and leaves. Cameron waits for an explanation.] HOMELESS OLD GUY: I'm sorry. I was just trying to freak you out. CAMERON: Why? HOMELESS OLD GUY: Because I need you to remember me. I need somebody to remember me. [Camera holds on Cameron.] [Eve's room. House is limping around, talking to Eve.] HOUSE: Where'd you go to college? EVE: Northwestern. You? HOUSE: Hopkins. What was your major? EVE: Comparative religion. HOUSE: [has had it] Why do you trust me? EVE: I don't know. Can't we just talk...? HOUSE: [loudly] That's not rational! EVE: Nothing's rational. HOUSE: Everything is rational! EVE: I was rped. Explain how that makes sense to you. HOUSE: [bat] We are selfish, base animals, crawling across the earth. But 'cause we got brains, if we try real hard, we can occasionally aspire to something that is less than pure evil. [Long bat.] EVE: [sighs] Has anything terrible ever happened to you? HOUSE: [looks at her] What do you want me to say? EVE: You wanted this conversation. You wanted to talk about something that matters. [appealing] Talk. [House says nothing.] [Wilson's office. Wilson's behind his desk, House sits nearby, feeling restless.] WILSON: She's waiting for your answer? HOUSE: She's asleep. I sedated her. WILSON: [bat] Why do you care what you say? HOUSE: [frustrated] Because I don't know how to answer these questions. WILSON: 'S a simple question. Has your life sucked? Tell her the truth. Tell her you were sht. Tell her... HOUSE: She doesn't wanna hear the truth. She's looking for something. Looking to extrapolate something... WILSON: She's looking to connect with you, and that's what's scaring the hell out of you. Tell her the truth. HOUSE: There is no truth. WILSON: [thinks] Are we role-playing? Am I you? I don't wanna be you. HOUSE: She's not asking for test results. She's not asking what two plus two equals. She's asking for my personal life experience, so she can extrapolate the law of humanity. That's not truth, that's bad science. WILSON: It's not science at all. Tell her the truth. [House looks at him.] [PPTH Hallway. House walks with Cameron, now seeking her advice.] CAMERON: Tell her your life has been good. HOUSE: It hasn't been. CAMERON: Tell her anyway. She wants hope, she wants to know that what happened to her wasn't the norm. Things can be okay, which means maybe they can be okay for her again. [They step into the elevator, she hits a button. The door closes.] [PPTH Hallway. The doors open. This time, Foreman and House step out, the former doing the advising.] FOREMAN: Tell her your life sucked. HOUSE: It didn't. FOREMAN: Tell her anyway. She wants to know she's not alone. She wants to know she's gonna survive this thing. Other people have been through this and worse, and come out the other end. She wants to know she's going to heal. [They stop walking. Foreman looks at House.] FOREMAN: Act like... you've healed. [He walks off, leaving a pensive House.] [PPTH Hallway. And now, it's Chase's turn.] CHASE: Tell her... [thinks, almost says something but stops, then gives up] Keep her asleep. HOUSE: Thanks, you've all been a huge help. CHASE: There's no wrong answer. Because there's no right answer. HOUSE: Wrong. We just don't know what the right answer is. [He gets up and leaves.] [Eve's room. House stands over a sleeping Eve.] HOUSE: Wake up. [She takes a while to awaken. She groggily turns her head to look at him.] HOUSE: 'S not bad as what happened to you, I don't think. I don't know what happened to you. And given how lousy you're responding, I assumed it was worse than getting abused by your grandmother. [Eve sits up.] EVE: What did she do to you? HOUSE: Parents travelled a lot, leaving me with her. She liked things the way she liked them. She believed in discipline. [?], I hardly ever screwed up when she was around. Too scared of... being forced to sleep in the yard or take a bath in ice. [bat] Your turn. EVE: Your parents, they-they never stopped her? HOUSE: [sitting on a chair] Never told them. EVE: Why not? HOUSE: Usual reasons. I was afraid they wouldn't believe me and I was afraid they'd think I' done something wrong. [bat] I opened up to you, you open up to me. EVE: What did you call her? HOUSE: Oma. EVE: And you kept calling her that after this? HOUSE: Dutch for "grandmother". She's still my grandmother. And she was still Dutch. EVE: [skeptically] Is any part of that story true? HOUSE: All of it. EVE: [shakes her head] You wouldn't keep calling her "Oma". [angry] Something would have to change. HOUSE: You don't know me. EVE: [loudly] You wouldn't keep calling her "Oma"! HOUSE: Look, you're overreacting. EVE: Do not dismiss me! HOUSE: Not dismissing you. Saying you're not acting rationally. EVE: I'm angry because you're lying to me. HOUSE: [getting angry himself] No. You're... EVE: What can I do? What the hell can I do that you're not gonna dismiss as just being because I was rped? [She looks at him angrily.] HOUSE: [softly] Nothing. EVE: [calming a bit] Your story. Is it true? HOUSE: [sighs] True for somebody. EVE: But not for you. HOUSE: [getting up] These things happen. Happened to somebody. What do you care if it happened to me? EVE: They're not in this room. HOUSE: [loudly] No! They're out there! Doctors, lawyers,... postal workers! Some of them doing great, some of them doing lousy! You're gonna base your whole life on who you got stuck in a room with? EVE: [stubborn] I'm gonna base this moment on who I'm stuck in a room with. It's what life is. It's a series of rooms. And who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are. [They look at each other. The door slides open. Cuddy's at the door.] CUDDY: House. [House looks at Eve one more time and leaves. Eve sleeps back.] [Outside Eve's room. House slides the door shut and speaks to Cuddy.] HOUSE: You gotta get me out of this. There's nothing to diagnose. There's nothing... CUDDY: You only tested her for STDs? HOUSE: I had seven morons who forgot their raincoats. 'S all they asked for, so I didn't waste the lab's time. Why? CUDDY: I wasted their time. [softly] She's pregnant. [Genuinely surprised, House looks at Eve in her room. Eve is sitting up, tousling her hair. She looks at him. Camera holds on House.] [Eve's room. House, sitting next to Eve, tells her about her pregnancy. Eve sits motionless in her bed.] HOUSE: You understand? [bat] You okay? I know you're not okay. Are you more or less not okay than you were five minutes ago. EVE: About the same. HOUSE: Termination procedure is unpleasant. EVE: I don't wanna terminate. HOUSE: You wanna keep the baby? EVE: Abortion is mrder. HOUSE: True. [nods] It's a life. And you should end it. EVE: [rationalising] Every life is sacred. HOUSE: [looks to the heavens in exasperation] Talk to me, don't quote me bumper stickers. EVE: It's true. HOUSE: It's meaningless. EVE: It means every life matters to God. HOUSE: Not to me, not to you. [getting up to pace around] Judging by the number of natural disasters, not to God either. EVE: You're just being argumentative. HOUSE: Yeah! I do do that. What about htler? Is his life sacred to God? Father of your child? Is his life sacred to you? EVE: My child isn't htler. HOUSE: Either every life is sacred or... EVE: [shouts] Stop it! I don't wanna chat about philosophy! HOUSE: You're not klling your rpe baby because of a philosophy. EVE: It's mrder! I'm against it. You for it? HOUSE: Not as a general rule. EVE: Just for unborn children? HOUSE: Yes! [bat] The probable exceptions to rules is the line drawn. Might makes sense for us to kll the ass that did this to you. But where do we draw the line? Which asses do we get to kll? Which asses get to keep on being asses? Nice thing about the abortion debate is we can quibble over trimesters, but ultimately there's an ice-cold line - birth. Morally, there isn't a lot of difference. Practically, huge. EVE: You're enjoying this conversation. HOUSE: [cracks a smile] This is the type of conversation I do well. EVE: But the other type? [bat] The personal stuff? HOUSE: There are no answers.If there are no answers, why talk about it? [Eve looks down tearfully.] HOUSE: You're healthy. You shouldn't be here. EVE: I don't wanna go. HOUSE: [bat] Fine. I won't discharge you. [thinks] Wanna go for a walk? [Homeless Old Guy's room. He's lying down, in obvious discomfort. He lets out a painful sigh. Outside, Cameron strides purposefully to the door and opens it.] HOMELESS OLD GUY: The last of my journey. CAMERON: You don't deserve pain. You're just an insane, old man. [She grabs a syringe from her lab coat pocket with her right hand and moves to inject the contents into his IV line. He reaches out and grabs her right hand.] HOMELESS OLD GUY: No. No. CAMERON: I'm not gonna watch you suffer. HOMELESS OLD GUY: [still holding her right hand] I need you to remember me. CAMERON: [shouting at his obstinacy] I'll remember you! HOMELESS OLD GUY: Why? CAMERON: Because you're a nice man. HOMELESS OLD GUY: You don't know that. You don't know anything about me. CAMERON: Either you're a nice man or you're an ass. Either way you did something to somebody that they're gonna remember. HOMELESS OLD GUY: [wheezing] I have no family, I have no friends. I didn't even have a real job. If I die in peace, then I'm just another patient. But if I die suffering... CAMERON: [appealing] It'll be horrible. Don't do that to either of us. HOMELESS OLD GUY: No! I just need to die, knowing that something is different because I was here. [He stops and starts to groan a bit. Cameron looks at him sympathetically and puts the syringe down. His breathing becomes even more laborious. She takes a seat nearby, trying not to cry. His groaning continues.] [Jogging park. House and Eve are at the same picnic table as before. Eve sits on the table, House stands. Eve looks a bit less miserable.] HOUSE: Life goes on. EVE: Is that the reason we're out here? HOUSE: Know why I come here? I sit, I watch, I imagine. [He limps over to the table and sits on the bench.] EVE: Sounds nice. HOUSE: [pointing to joggers] Imagine if one of them would break a leg. [She smiles (for the first time) at his cynicism.] HOUSE: Just one false step. One crack in the sidewalk. EVE: [smiling] You don't really. HOUSE: I'm evil. EVE: Evil people don't say they're evil. HOUSE: Sounds like an easy loophole. [bat] People can do good things, but their instincts are not good. Either God doesn't exist or he's unimaginably cruel. EVE: [has lost the smile, shakes her head] I don't believe that. HOUSE: What do you believe? Why do you think this happened? EVE: [gets of the table and walks a bit] I don't wanna talk about it. HOUSE: Me neither. Too bad. EVE: [irritably] Y'know, I don't think there was a reason! [sighs] HOUSE: Huh-huh. So God does exist, 'less you get rped. Easier to keep your rpe baby for no reason. EVE: [crying] Maybe he was challenging me! HOUSE: He hurts you to help you. [Eve nods.] HOUSE: I guess it's better than he hates you. EVE: [shouting, voice breaking] You're trying to convince me there's no God! Why would you even say something like that? HOUSE: Because you're throwing your life away. EVE: I'm doing what I believe! HOUSE: What you believe doesn't make sense. EVE: This is not helping me. [She picks up her stuff to leave.] HOUSE: Then I can't help you. [Eve stops.] HOUSE: If you believe in eternity, then... life is irrelevant. Same way that a bug is irrelevant in comparison to the universe. EVE: [turns to face him] If you don't believe in eternity, then what you do here is irrelevant. HOUSE: [jabbing the table with his finger] Your actions here are all that matters. EVE: Then nothing matters. There's no ultimate consequences. I couldn't live with that. HOUSE: So you need to think that the guy that did this to you is gonna be punished. EVE: I need to know that it all means something. I need that comfort. HOUSE: Yeah. You feeling comfortable? Feeling good right now? Feeling warm inside? [She sits down in front of him, on the bench.] EVE: I was rped. What's your excuse? [He has no answer.] [Homeless Old Guy's room. Cameron sits sullenly, while he continues to suffer quietly in agony. She watches him, tears welling up in her eyes. He stiffens suddenly, and his chest drops, as he exhales his last breath. The monitor starts to whine (The Tune of Death). A nurse wheels in a crash cart, but Cameron stops her. She continues to look at the unfortunate man.] [Jogger's park. House and Eve sit on the park bench in silence.] EVE: [sighs, looks at House] Do you think the guy who did this to me feels bad? HOUSE: That'll help you? Make you feel better? EVE: Why do you always do that? Ask why I'm asking a question, instead of just answering the question. HOUSE: The answer doesn't interest me. I don't care what he's feeling. I'm interested in what you're feeling. EVE: You are? HOUSE: I'm trapped in a room with you, right? [She smiles a bit.] HOUSE: Why did you choose me? EVE: There's something about you. 'S like you're hurt too. [House slowly brings his right leg out from between the table and bench and sits facing away from the table.] HOUSE: [softly] It was true. EVE: What was? HOUSE: Wasn't my grandmother, but it was true. EVE: Who was it? HOUSE: It's my dad. [They sit quietly for a few seconds.] EVE: I'd like to tell you what happened to me now. HOUSE: I'd like to hear it. EVE: It was a friend's birthday party... [The camera pans up slowly as Eve tells her story to House.] [Homeless Old Guy's room. Cameron slowly removes the man's finger monitor and pushes his hair back carefully. She picks up a towel and wets it. She dabs the towel on his arm, looking at him, still feeling downcast.] [Aerial sh*t of a recently snowed-upon PPTH. Evening.] [Doctor's lounge. House and Wilson play a friendly game of Foosball. Cuddy enters. The guys don't stop their game, though.] HOUSE: [concentrating more on the game] She terminated it. She's been discharged. CUDDY: She's gonna be okay. HOUSE: [eyes still on the game] Yeah, it's that simple. [Wilson looks at him, but says nothing. He returns his focus to the game.] CUDDY: She's talking about what happened. That's huge. You did good. HOUSE: Everyone will tell you... that that's what we gotta make her do. We have to help her, right? Except we can't. We drag out her story. Tell each other that it'll help her heal. Feel real good about ourselves. But all we've done is make a girl cry. WILSON: [more interested in what House is saying than the game] Then why did you...? [Bad move - he takes his eye off the game. House scores!] HOUSE: [finally looks up] Because I don't know. [Picking up his cane, he starts to leave.] WILSON: You gonna follow up with her? HOUSE: [collecting his jacket] One day, one room. [He puts on the jacket and exits .]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x12 - One Day, One Room"}	foreverdreaming
[After a snowstorm. Car parked in plowed spot. Frosted over windows. Cut to interior. Leah and Stevie are making out.] Stevie: Wait. We shouldn't...We shouldn't be doing this. Leah: What? You're not having fun. Stevie: (laughing) It's not that. I just... Leah: You'd rather be with the boys? Stevie: No! Leah: Well then, come on. [Knock on car window. Leah sits up and lowers the window. A flashlight shines in on Stevie.] Cop: You kids need any help? Leah: No. No, we're fine. Cop: Car trouble? Leah: No. Cop: Then why are you here? Leah: Uh, we're just talking. Cop: Does she do all the talking? Stevie: Uh. Most of it. Cop: (laughing) I know what that's like. I'm going to come back through here in ten minutes. And, if you're still here, I'm going to call your parents. Stevie: Yes sir. Thank you. [Leah rolls window back up. They laugh.] Leah: Now, where were we? Steve: We were going. Leah: Nine minutes. (She takes off her shirt, lays on him and starts kissing his neck. He's not enjoying it. Makes noises like he's having trouble breathing.) Sweetie, what's wrong? Oh my god! (Opens car door and goes out, shouting) Help! Someone help me! (Stevie continues to choke as Leah runs around to driver's seat and gets in.) [House, driving a blue 4-door on snow-covered streets, stops and looks at sign "Parking for J. Whitner, M.D." Confused, he looks around and sees space with "Parking for House, M.D." He pulls into the space and steps out into a puddle. Unfolds collapsible cane and squishes down a hallway in PPTH. Foreman joins him] Foreman: Sixteen year old. Respiratory arrest. House: The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief. Foreman: Yeah, me too. No sign of trauma. No history of asthma or allerg... House: (interrupting) Who the hell is J. Whitner? Foreman: No idea. Stevie Lippa, his EKG and Echocardiogram were normal. House: Normal is good. Send him home. (Entering Diagnostics Office.) J. Whitner. Doctor. Who is he and where do I find him? Cameron: She's a new researcher. Works with Erechevsky. Chase: Is she hot? Cameron: She's in a wheelchair. Chase: Doesn't mean she's not hot. House: Just means she can't bend over. So Cuddy has to bend over backward. Foreman: Sixteen year old kid. ER workup revealed a bloody pleural effusion. House: That's odd. Foreman: Yeah. That occurred to me. House: What took you so long to mention it? Foreman: No tumors or pneumonia on the CT. Chase: He passed out while making out. If he's into sex, drugs and rock and roll can't be that far behind. I'm guessing cocaine. Foreman: Tox screen was clean. Cameron: Just means he wasn't on drugs, not that he hasn't been using drugs. House: (Looking at scan on light board) Looks like a plumbing problem to me. Leaky pipes. Foreman: If he popped an aneurysm he'd be in the morgue, not the ER. House: That's why you're going to do a venogram instead of an arteriogram. This isn't a high pressure burst, it's a low pressure leak. Chase: It still could have been drugs that cause the pipes to corrode in the first place. House: So go look under his mattress. See if he's got any pills or powders stashed with the hand lotion. [Cut to lab. House looks at door, operates atmatic door opener. A woman in a motorized wheelchair approaches.] House: Sweet ride. I asked for the one with the sissy bar and the banana seat but Santa gave me this instead. (shows cane) I guess that's what I get for being naughty. Whitner: You must be Dr. House. House: Yeah. So, looks like there's been some sort of mix-up at the parking office. Whitner: They had to move me closer to the door. House: Had to? You don't look like the type to pull a wapon. Whitner: Wheelchair. House: Cane. I think you should do the honorable thing. Let me have my space back. Whitner: Oh, well, uh. Since you ask so nicely...wheelchair. House: Cane. Walking long distances makes my leg hurt. Whitner: And it's easy for me. House: Course not. Pushing that little lever. Thumb muscles must burn. I'm sure the last ten yards are pure trture. Whitner: Crossing the parking lot is dangerous. Cars can't see me. House: You ever ht a patch of black ice with a cane? Whitner: No. Gosh, on account of the fact that I can't walk. Maybe you should ask the parking office for some crampons. House: This is about who can most easily cross the parking lot. You're the winner. Whitner: Oh, and the prize is apparently a parking space. (House leaves) [Cut to Stevie's room. He is coughing. Leah is holding his hand.] Foreman: There's still no answer at either one of your parents' cell numbers. Is there any other way we might be able to contact them? Stevie: No. They're at a conference. They probably had to turn them off or something. Leah: What does it matter where they are? I mean he's in pain. You gotta do something. Foreman: We need them to sign this. Leah: Why can't he just sign the papers? He's sixteen. Foreman: Still not an adult. Leah: Then call my parents. They know him. And they'll take responsibility, do whatever you need. Foreman: I can't. Leah: You can't just let him sit here in agony until his parent finally decide... Stevie: Leah, it's okay. Leah: No. It's not. Stevie: I feel like there's an anvil sitting on my chest. (Monitor alarm goes off. Foreman pulls out stethoscope and listens to Stevie's chest.) Foreman: You win. We're doing the venogram now. We'll deal with the fallout later. [Cut to procedure room. Stevie's veins are projected on screen.] Stevie: My fingers feel wet. Foreman: That's just the dye. Your nerves can't tell the difference between the cold inside your body and the wet outside your body. Stevie: The nerves can't tell the difference or the brain can't interpret the difference? Foreman: A little of both. You like science? (Pulls the screen closer with his foot. Stevie looks at it.) Stevie: Looks like a diffusion pattern. Foreman: That's because it's the venous side. Low pressure. Stevie: So Graham's Law applies. Foreman: You taking physics already? Stevie: No. Just sort of read up on my own. Foreman: Had to teach myself a lot of stuff too. School sucked where I grew up. You go to public or private? Stevie: Public. Nick has to be in the pulmonary veins to get in my lungs, right? Foreman: Yup. Stevie: I don't see anything, do you? Foreman: No. Stevie: Doesn't make sense. How can I have a bloody effusion without any bleeding? [Cut to a house. Chase enters, followed by Cameron.] Cameron: This is putrid. Chase: Put food-borne parasites and infections on the list to check on. I'll take the bedroom. [Cameron continues to walk through the downstairs as Chase goes upstairs. Cut to Chase opening a door.] Woman: Oh. (Couple in bed. She falls out. They pull covers around themselves during following.) Chase: Oh. Sorry. I didn't know there was anyone... We were just... Woman: I have a gn. Man: Look, you can take whatever you want. My wallet's in my suit. (Cameron runs upstairs.) Woman: Freeze. (Cameron jumps and puts hands up.) Man: I'm calling the cops. Chase: Okay. You don't have a gn. And you're not calling the cops. Man: Oh no, I'm calling the cops. Unless you two get out of here right now. Chase: Unless? Who calls the cops "unless" a burglar does something. You don't want to have to explain the affair. Woman: We're not having an affair. Chase: He's got a ring. You don't. And judging from the state of the kitchen downstairs and the half-vacuumed bedroom, I'm guessing you're a better lover than you are a maid. Woman: Maid? You son of a bitch. I'm not a maid, okay? This is my house, not his. Chase: Ah, sorry. Woman. And what's wrong with my kitchen? Cameron: Nothing. We're sorry. We're just here to help Stevie. Woman: Who's Stevie? Cameron: Your...son? Woman: Huh? [Cut to Stevie's room.] Chase: It was the address you gave. Stevie: The ER must have written it down wrong. Cameron: Or you lied because you don't want us to talk to your parents. Stevie: I gave you their phone numbers. Foreman: You gave us some numbers. We haven't been able to reach anyone. Stevie: I told you, they must be in a conference. Leah: He's lying. Stevie: Leah. Leah: He's Romany. A gypsy. Cameron: So you don't have a home? Stevie: Of course we do. What, next you're going to ask about dancing about campfires and stealing children? This is why I don't tell people. Leah: They share everything with each other and nothing with the gadje. The outsiders. Stevie: Sharing information with outsiders has not gone so well for my people. Foreman: Well, right now, you're making you more vulnerable by lying to us. Stevie: You can't go to my house. You'll pollute it. Foreman: All we're going to do is look around. Leah: Your presence is enough. Stevie: My parents take it seriously. It's spiritual as much as it is physical. Chase: (to Leah) You know where he lives? Stevie: Don't. Look, I'll tell you whatever you need to know. Chase: If we can't trust your answers... Stevie: I drink sometimes. Okay, I've smoked pot. I'll tell you anything. The truth. You just... (coughs) you can't go in my home. Cameron: The pot wouldn't cause a bleeding problem. A pesticide on the pot could. Where did you get it? Stevie: Some kid at school. Leah: Stevie! He got the pot from me. He doesn't even go to school. His parents made him drop out. Stevie: I'm home schooled. Leah: He reads books. Foreman: What else are you lying about? Is your father really a professor? Stevie: He's a salesman. Leah: They buy and sell anything they can get their hands on. Foreman: They. So you're with your dad while he's making these deals. Leah: He was just in Chicago, a week ago. Foreman: You fly? Stevie: No. My dad's got a truck. [Cut to Cuddy's office] Cuddy: (laughs) You can't be serious. House: Actually I can. (Makes "serious" face) See. It's my space and I want it back. Cuddy: It's not your space. It's the hospital's space. And the hospital thinks the person who's worse off should get the better space. Your application for a handicapped space says you can walk 50 yards. House: And Whitner's says she can roll 50 miles between oil changes. I can't change my leg. Cuddy: The space I moved you to is only 46 yards away from the front door. I measured. You'll be fine. House: Great. So I can collapse four yards into the lobby instead of outside in the cold. Cuddy: As long as it's not in my office. House: You know who won the New York City marathon six years in a row? Guy in a wheelchair! Cuddy: Then go get yourself one and leave me alone. House: Give me my space, I'll be happy to roll around in one all day. Cuddy: You couldn't last a week in a wheelchair. House: Wanna bet? [Cut to wheelchair in a hallway. Pan up to see it is House. The fellows approach.] Cameron: What's wrong with you? House: Nothing that a week off my feet won't solve. Foreman: Venogram's negative. No leak. House: You mean you couldn't find the leak. Cameron: Is your leg worse? House: No. My parking spot is. Blood is only made inside the circulatory system. Which means when you find outside... Foreman: There's no leak. I even checked lymphatics. Cameron: You're going to spend a week in a wheelchair just to get a parking closer to the front door. House: Easier than chopping off my legs. Foreman: We've ruled out toxins and drugs. Chase: Kind of. He's Romany. Apparently they feel the need to keep secrets so it's hard to know anything for sure. House: Yeah. He's also a human being. Which means you shouldn't be trusting him to begin with. Stop relying on his answers and find some on your own. Foreman: It's a deep vein thrombosis. The kid spent 16 hours in the back seat of an old pickup. Causes a clot and makes its way to his lungs. We should do an arteriogram and find the clot and bust it with TPA. House: Or we should find the leak. Foreman: There's no leak. House: Hey. You can't yell at a guy in a wheelchair. This is a slow leak. You gotta speed it up. Thin his blood, redo the venogram. Cameron: That could cause a massive bleed. House: (backing onto elevator) Excellent. Massive will be even easier to find. Pardon me. I guess you guys are going to have to get the next one. [Cut to procedure room] Stevie: I thought you were redoing the venogram? Foreman: As soon as we're done with the arteriogram. Cameron: Okay. You're going to feel a little poke. Stevie: (to Foreman) Can you maybe do that? Cameron: It's okay, it's just your leg. I don't have to go any further than this. Foreman: (puts up x-ray) Take a look at this. Bones of your forearm. Stevie: Uh. Radius and ulna. Foreman: How about the wrist? Stevie: Um. Lunate. Hamate, The... Cameron: Scared lovers try positions they can't handle. (Foreman and Stevie look at her) It's a mnemonic for the wrist bones. It's the only way I can remember them. Stevie: Ow. Foreman: You all right? Stevie: Ow, my stomach. Foreman: You ht something? Cameron: I haven't started. Foreman: Lie flat. Stevie: Oh, no I can't. It hurts too much. Cameron: I'm getting out. Foreman: It's the only chance to see what's going on. Cameron: If he moves, I could shred his artery. Stevie: Get it out, now! Foreman: It's going to be okay, Stevie. Just inject the dye. Cameron: Dye's going into his liver but it's not coming out. Foreman: The clot's gotta be constricting the flow in the hepatic vein. Cameron: It's not constricting it, it's completely blocking it. His whole liver's fried. [Cut to House wheeling into clinic. Bumps into Foreman] Foreman: Ow. The kid's liver's failing because of massive clots blocking his hepatic vein. How can he have both a bleed and a clot? House: (flipping open charts - the clinic desk is just above his armpit level.) It's not a clot. You must have blocked the vein with a catheter wire. Cameron: Not a chance. Chase: Increased pressure downstream could also stop the blood. Foreman: There's no heart failure or chirrosis. Means it has to be a clot. House: Massive clots block veins, they don't even leak. Since he clearly has some kind of... (puts the charts together, can't reach the box they go in.) Cuddy: You having a little problem? House: (to nurse) Would you mind? (she takes them) Boy, that was humiliating. How does Whitner make it through the day? Cuddy: Pride goeth before the fall. House: Lucky for me, I'm sitting in one of these babies. So, what other theories can I sh*t down? Cameron: DIC would explain both the... House: His platelets are normal. His PCT isn't elevated. Chase: Leukemia? House: Normal CBC and...differential? You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack. Something inside the liver is punching holes in the pipes. Blood bleeds through the openings, sticks to the intruder, forms a mass. Foreman: A clot. House: A mass. Chase: A cancer, a tumor could erode a blood vessel. Foreman: So could a granuloma from tuberculosis or sarcoidosis. House: Do a CT, MRI, sputum and ACE level. Excuse me, sorry, cripple coming through. [Cut to Clinic exam room] Mother: He says his throat hurts. House: That phrasing means you think it doesn't. Mother: No, I don't. House: Good enough for me. (starts to leave) Mother: Where are you going? House: Mothers know best. Get yourself a sucker on the way out. Mother: Look, I think he's just faking so he doesn't have to go to school. House: How did you know I was a truant officer? Mother: I told him he had a choice - go to school or the doctor. House: Right. He's wasting your precious time so you decided to waste mine. How thoughtful. I'm in a wheelchair so I can't examine him all the way up there. (to Jack) Hop down. My life is just one horror after another. Open. Mother: (peering in) Does it look like it hurts? House: Nope. (he crashes into table and pulls out a huge syringe) Mother: What's that? House: Syringe. I'm with you. Make him hate the doctor's office more than he hates school. Mother: That's okay. I don't... I don't think that... House: It's just saline. It hurts like hell when it's injected directly into the muscle. (Jack hides behind mom) So, what do you think? Arm or ass? Mother: I think he's learned his lesson. House: Oh, I don't know. You'd better check. Jack, is your mommy a big, fat idiot? (Jack nods) Well, what do you know! I guess you were right. [Cut to MRI. Stevie going in.] Foreman: Just hold still, Stevie. This shouldn't take long. Stevie: (nods) Sorry, I'm guessing the mike in this thing doesn't pick up nods. Cameron: Smart kid. Foreman: Too bad it's all going to go to waste. Chase: Nothing wrong with being a salesman. Foreman: He should be able to pursue his own life, not be stuck helping his parents sell old toasters. Cameron: He's still young. You never know what he'll wind up doing. Foreman: Listen, unless he goes back to school, I know exactly what he'll end up doing. Wait. Is that a lesion? Chase: Magnifying times 5. Cameron: It's a granuloma. Foreman: That means Wegener's is most likely. (noise as door to room is opened) Judy: Stevie Stevie: Mom, is that you? Franklin: Hey, hey. Judy: Get him out of this now. Foreman: Your son is sick. The sign on the door says... Franklin: The sign says "no metal." We took everything off. Foreman: It says "no admittance." Franklin: What's wrong with our son? Cameron: We don't know yet. Judy: He's not going to die, is he? Foreman: Your son is very ill. We're still trying to figure out why. Which is why we need you to leave the room. (they leave) [Cut to parking lot. House is wheeling across the snow toward his car. He sideslips into it and stops with a big grin on his face and his tongue sticking out. He opens the passenger-side front door.] Foreman: What are you going to do now? House: Oh, now I've gotta slide my butt from one padded seat to another. What if I bump my knee? Foreman: MRI showed a granuloma in his liver. House: (swings into car) Fantastic. Wanna give me a hand here? (indicates wheelchair) Foreman: No. Clotting, bleeding and a granuloma equals Wegener's. House: I know. That's why I said "fantastic." I was being sincere. Now give me a hand. Foreman: Wouldn't be fair. We're going to biopsy the liver to confirm. House: It wouldn't be fair not to. People are good and kind and gentle and help people in wheelchairs. Foreman: No. House: You do. Foreman: No, I don't. House: Foreman, forget the biopsy. His liver will be gone before you get the results. Start treatment with cyclophosphamide before the Wegener's punches a hole in another pipe. (Foreman leaves as House wrestles chair into car. He can't reach the door to close it. Turns on car, backs up quickly and brakes hard. The door slams shut. Smug grin.) [Cut to Stevie's room. He is eating soup.] Foreman: What's with the clothes? You're not getting discharged. Stevie: I know. It... it's my parents. They insist I wear this stuff. Foreman: We insist on our own gown, food and furnishings for a reason. Stevie: It... my, my chest burns. Are you sure the treatments are working? Foreman: Wegener's causes the body to attck itself. It doesn't get undone overnight. Be patient. Judy: (enters and starts unfolding a blanket) Where's your soup? Foreman: It's in the garbage. Judy: It has willow bark extract. Foreman: Willow bark extract is basically aspirin. Judy: Yes, for the fever. Foreman: He's already on meds. Our meds. We can't risk any adverse interactions. We need all this stuff to go. We need to control this environment. Franklin: So do we. People get sick for a reason, because something in their life is out of balance. Stevie: Dad. He's a doctor. He doesn't want to hear your talk. Judy: Balance is just starting to be restored now that that girl is gone. Foreman: That girl took pretty good care of your son while you were away. Judy: Yes, we can see that. Foreman: All this stuff may make him feel more comfortable but it's not gonna... Franklin: How long is this treatment gonna take? Foreman: We should start to see some improvement in his liver functions soon. Judy: (skeptical) Soon! Very scientific. Stevie: I'm sorry. Foreman: Be back in a little bit to check on you. [Cut to men's room. House wheels in.] Wilson: Ah yes, if it isn't Dr. Ironside. House: (removing gloves) Ah, if it isn't Dr. I-Had-No-Friends-When-I-Was-Growing-Up-So-All-I-Did-Was-Watch-TV-By-Myself-Which-Is-Why-I-Can-Now-Make-Constant-Pop-Culture-References-Which-No-One-Understands-But-Me. Wilson: That's my name. Don't wear it out. (House starts to stand) Uh uh. House: (sits back down) Safe from Cuddy but I guess not from her trusted ratcomplice. Wilson: (stepping away from the urinal, buckling his belt) Reasonable people don't debate the relative merits of their handicapped. House: Reasonable people make rules based on evidence. Like difficulty covering a distance - say 50 yards. Not some pre-ordained patheticness scale. Wilson: Last I checked, pig-headedness was not the eighth heavenly virtue. House: It's only pig-headed if you're wrong. If you're right we call it sticking to your principles. (backs chair into stall and closes door) Wilson: Give it up. You're demeaning yourself. House: That's what they told Rosa Parks. Wilson: Don't stand up in there. I'm watching your feet. (leaves) [Cut to Stevie's room] Franklin: Get out of our home! Leah: This is not a home. It's certainly not... Judy: It's our home as long as our son is here. Stevie: Mom, dad, would you just please just calm down. Franklin: You're not family. You have no right to be here. Leah: What are you going to do? Throw me out? You can't even touch the gadje. Judy: I'll touch you. Foreman: What is going on? Leah: I'm the one who brought him here. I should be able to see how he's doing. Judy: He wouldn't even need to be here if it weren't for you. Leah: Right. I'm so unclean, I caused his liver to shut down. Foreman: Enough. No one is leaving. Franklin: He's our son and we want her out of here. Stevie: Uhhhhh! (doubles over) Uhhh uhhh, it hurts! Foreman: Is it your stomach again? Stevie: Uh uh uh, no. Wilson: What? (peels back blanket. lots of blood around groin) Stevie: Uhfh! [Cut to Diagnostics Office] Foreman: Liver's actually improving. We plug one hole and end up poking another. House: We talking about the patient or how to get a raise from Cuddy? Foreman: The Wegener's treatment gave him a massive hemorrhage in his bladder. House: Which means... it's Wegener's. Foreman: What did I just say? Cameron: We were treating him for Wegener's when everything went wrong. House: Not everything. Foreman: Yeah. It was a very lovely day outside. On the other hand, the treatment made him worse! House: The treatment made his bladder worse, not his liver. Chase: Clot in the liver is breaking up. House: And MRI, sputum and ACE ruled out TB, sarcoidosis and lymphoma. Which leaves us with... Cameron: Still could be a cancer with multiple... House: A cancer we can't see on MRI, CT or blood tests? Foreman: It's Wegener's. House: It's not the wrong diagnosis. It's the wrong treatment. Foreman: We could increase immunosuppression. Add methotrexate. Chase: We can't give methotrexate to a kid who's already had lung problems. House: (doing wheelies) Methotrexate is carpet bmb. Hits everything. We need a smart bmb. We don't suppress the immune system. We change it. Immune modulation. FT-28. His antibodies are attacking his blood vessels. The irritation causes them to bleed and clot. We change his immune system so the antibodies don't interact with his blood vessels but work fine everywhere else. Cameron: FT-28 is still experimental. It's not FDA approved. House: It's worked for Crohn's Disease and Rheumatoid Arthritis. Chase: He doesn't have Crohn's or arthritis. House: Let's say that he does. And start the treatment. [Cut to hallway outside Stevie's room] Franklin: Absolutely not. My people have been experimented on before. Never again. Foreman: Mr. Lippa, with all due respect, comparing this hospital with Auschweitz...It's ridiculous. And FT-28's been proven safe in hundreds... Franklin: Why do they always say you can trust them? Why would they say anything else? Why do they think we would listen? Foreman: Hey, hey, hey. Do you think I don't understand what it's like to come from a people who've been enslaved, mistreated and experimented on? Tuskegee went on for 28 years after World w*r II. Franklin: And the laws that made it illegal for the Romany to even set foot in this state were still on the books until 1998. It's not ancient history. Foreman: Conventional therapy hasn't worked. Your son may be dying. He needs a targeted approach and you need to trust us. Judy: I'm sorry. A lifetime of experiences tells me I can't trust you and the past three days have done nothing to change that. Franklin: We want our son treated, not experimented on. If you don't know how to do that, then just tell us so we can take him someplace where they do. [Cut to hallway] House: They're absolutely right. Stay away from that unproven experimental stuff. Much better to stick with the moving the furniture until he gets better approach. Foreman: Yes, you're right. We're going to have to come up with something else. House: You mean another last ditch desperation move? You got anything? Go back and don't take "no" for an answer. What kind of salesman are you? Foreman: The kind who avoids the house with the crazy couple who put tin foil over their windows. House: They got money for tin foil, they got money for whatever you're selling. Foreman: What's that mean? (House sees Dr. Whitner coming down the hall, starts maneuvering to intercept her) House: It means that if they don't trust you, you should earn that lack of trust. Foreman: What does paying for tin foil mean? House: Why should I have to answer all the questions? (wedges Whitner against the wall) Ooops. Sorry, still getting used to the power steering. (Foreman leaves) I assume you've heard the news. Whitner: I'm not worried. From what I hear, what you lack in shame, you also lack in willpower. House: My will may be weak but my backbone is strong. And pain-free now that I've stopped using the cane. Of course it's harder to look down Cuddy's shirt. But then the vantage point on her ass is much improved. But then that's just me - always looking on the bright side. I'm the guy who said her c-cups are half full. Whitner: They are nice, aren't they? House: (growling noise) No, no, no, no, no. You're not going to win me over that easily. You may have a wheel. That doesn't mean you get the grease. You gotta squeak. [Cut to Stevie's room. Lots of visitors.] Franklin: What's that? Foreman: It's a cyclophosphamide. We're continuing the standard treatment as you requested. Um, I have to ask everyone to leave the room for a few minutes while I apply some bandages. Judy: Why do we have to leave? Foreman: Uh, they're for his penis. (Franklin gestures and they all file out) Stevie: You lied to them. The bleeding stopped. I don't need any bandages. Foreman: We need to change your treatment. But your parents won't let us. They've got it in their minds that we want to try some sort of inhuman experiment on you. Stevie: The treatment is experimental? Foreman: FT-28's been through extensive clinical trials. It's also been used successfully for other conditions. Stevie: The fact that you're recommending experimental treatment means that you have no other options. Foreman: I'm sorry. We stop the pleural effusions, your liver almost fails. We save your liver, the bladder fails. If we don't get ahead of the curve on this... Stevie: What do you need me to do? Foreman: Take the medicine but don't tell your parents. Stevie: I don't like lying to my parents. Foreman: The rest of the world, though... Stevie: The rest of the world, I can't trust. Foreman: You can trust me. Stevie: How do I know? Foreman: Because if you do this, then tell your parents, I lose my license. Stevie: (nods) Ow. Ow, ow, ow. God! (doubles over) Foreman: (to intercom) Get in here. [Cut to OR] Dr. Simpson: Wow. Spleen basically exploded, huh. Got another bleeder. 2-O silk on a stick. Got it. (House watches from gallery. Surgeon puts spleen in bowl) I believe you ordered your meat rare. Foreman: Keep him open. If I confirm Wegener's, we might as well stage the disease while he's still on the table. House: (on intercom) What's taking so long? (rings for elevator) Foreman: External capsules ruptured but still intact. No signs of a clot or a bleed. Normal follicles, normal lymphoid tissue. House: The spleen is ripped to shreds. There's gotta be granulomas. Keep looking. Dr. Simpson: Come on. We can't leave Humpty Dumpty like this forever. Foreman: I don't see anything but normal spleen. No granuloma. Nurse: Means no Wegener's. Dr. Simpson: That's all I need to know. Let's go, people. House: Run his bowel. Dr. Simpson: No need. I'm closing. (House rings for elevator, glancing over his back where the operation is proceding.) Suture. (House starts down stairs in his wheelchair. Barges into OR) House: Run his bowel. Dr. Simpson: Nothing suspicious in the spleen. Get him out of here. House: You missed it. He had a granuloma in his liver. Dr. Simpson: No, it was just scar tissue. Looked like a granuloma on the MRI but it's not. I don't know why I'm debating this. Pass me the Kelly clamp. I'm closing. House: (standing, wearing one glove and a half-on gown but no mask) Not unless you're going to sew my hand in this kid's stomach. Dr. Simpson: Get out of there. He's unstable. House: He's got Wegener's. Which means he's got granulomas. Dr. Simpson: I'm calling my lawyer. House: It's only 26 feet. If he were an ostrich, you'd have a 46 foot wait. Foreman: Blood pressure's dropping. House: (running bowel) Hang another bag of Ringer's lactate. Nurse: I'm having nothing to do with this. House: Foreman, hang another bag... Foreman: Ringer's lactate. Got it. House: Come on, come on. It's gotta be in here. (finishes) But it's not. Dr. Simpson: Mind if we close? House: Well, it's a good thing we never sold him on FT-28. His parents were right. [Cut to Stevie's room. Parents hug. Cut to Diagnostics Office.] Cameron: There's no way his parents are going to let us near him again. Foreman: They won't be able to transfer him until he's recovered from the surgery. Chase: You can add the surgical team to the list of people who won't let us near him. House: Bleeds, clots, bleeds, clots. Spleen explodes. Foreman: We should test him for Von Willebrand's. House: Or, let's play tic tac toe. Okay, Xs are bleeds, Os are clots. Started in the lungs, right? What did we do? Foreman: CT, sputum, two venograms. House: (marking a human body chart) That's one bleed, one clot. Then what? Foreman: Liver shut down. MRI, labs. Treated with cyclophosphamide. House: Whereupon, he peed out three units of O negative. And a bleed. Cameron: Where is this going? House: I don't know yet. What's next? Chase: Bladder, kidney. Foreman: High resolution CT scan and UA and urine sediment. House: GI tract? Chase: You ran the small bowel in the OR. House: Large bowel is fixed to the abdominal wall. I didn't run that. Cameron: Because there's not reason to. He hasn't been having any symptoms in his bowels. House: Do a colonoscopy. Cameron: Because he's had no symptoms? House: You lose your keys, the first thing you do is look everywhere you might logically have placed them. When you don't find them, then you start looking in other places - the medicine cabinet, freezer, mailbox. We need to in this kid's mailbox. Cameron: Why don't we x-ray his feet? They're fine too. House: Because we need to take the center square to block. (holds up chart) Cameron: Okay, even if that did make sense, it's kind of hard to do a colonoscopy on a kid you can't get near. Foreman: He's in the ICU now. His parents only have limited visiting privileges. (leaves) House: I like that kid. He's got spunk. (leaves, followed by Chase. Cameron stands there) [Cut to waiting area outside ICU. Foreman peeks around a corner. House peeks around a corner.] House: Can't talk now. On guard duty. Wilson: You're still in that thing. House: What thing? Oh this? Forgot it was even there. Wilson: You know, even if you manage not to get struck down by a bolt of lightening and make it a week, Cuddy's not going to give you the space. She can't. House: A bet's a bet. Wilson: Yes. And that rule outranks the Americans with Disabilities Act. You think you've got logic on your side. But Whitner's got the legal system. And legal beats logic every time. Just ask OJ. House: You're right. Wilson: I am? House: Yeah. Wilson: So you're doing this even though you know you've got no legal leg to stand on. House: Who needs legs when you got wheels. I'm gonna get that spot. (loudly) No way Cuddy is going to gyp me. Franklin: What'd you say? House: I'll see you later. Gonna have them yelling at me for the next 20 minutes. [Cut to ICU] Chase: Mucosa looks normal, healthy. No lonely diverticular. Foreman: Blood pressure's dropping. He's bleeding again. Chase: I'm in his colon. Foreman: (looks out to check on House's argument with the Lippas) Hurry up. Chase: I am. There's nothing there. Foreman: Wait, wait. What's that. Cameron: The reflection? Foreman: No, it's something. Looks like a... [Cut to hallway. Foreman is talking to the Lippas] Foreman: Toothpick. Franklin: Are you sure? Foreman: He must have swallowed it accidentally and just figured he'd digest it eventually. When you two were making out in the car he must have folded awkwardly, pushed the toothpick through the wall of the intestine and into the lung. Then it moved on to his liver and made its way to his bladder and spleen. Leah: So that's it. He's going to be okay. Foreman: Yup. Small holes. It shouldn't take that long to heal now that we've got it out. Franklin: See. See what you did? Leah: Me? Judy: If you hadn't been kissing him... Leah: That's what you heard? It was the toothpick. It was that disgusting habit. Franklin: It would have passed right through if he hadn't been writhing around. Isn't that right? (but Foreman has left) [Cut to Stevie's room. Foreman shows him toothpick in a vial] Stevie: That's it? Foreman: Yeah. That's it. Wood absorbs water. Becomes the same density as the tissue around it. That's why it didn't show up on the CT or MRI. Stevie: That's cool. I mean, not cool for me but... A lot of damage for something so small. Foreman: You know, the lab here have a paid intern position. It's usually given to one of the kids from the universities but, if you want, I could probably get you an interview. There's some entry level stuff, some gofer work. But you'd also have access to a lot of cool things. Stevie: Thanks, for everything, but I can't. Foreman: Yes you can. Stevie, you're bright. You have more curiosity than 90% of the doctors on this staff. Stevie: Ah. It's not that. It's just... I go to work every day with my family, you know? People I've known my whole life. I don't wanna lose that. Foreman: You could have both. Stevie: No I can't. Foreman: Because they don't want to let you. They shouldn't be making you choose. Stevie: Maybe not but, they are. I'm choosing them. Foreman: Change is hard. Trust me. I know. But it worked out for me. Stevie: You're a successful doctor. Your name is on journal articles. I would love that. It's just, I see you with doctors Chase and Cameron and you all got empty ring fingers. You're alone. [Cut to exterior. House is leaving] Cuddy: Oh ho ho ho. House: This is my last day living the life of leisure. So, are you going to tell Dr. Whitner she's out of my space or can I? Cuddy: Why would I do that? House: Because, you said that you would. And lying is wrong. Cuddy: I said I would give you the space if you made it a whole week... House: Which I... Cuddy: You didn't. The bet didn't stipulate that you had to be in the chair for a week unless you had to barge into an operating room and shove your hands in a kid's bowels. House: How'd you know about that? Cuddy: You lost. House: I saved a life. Two minutes out of the chair to save a kid's life. Cuddy: You lost, House. House: I earned that space. Cuddy: No you didn't. House: I earn that space every day I limp into that building and do my damn job. Cuddy: You lo-hos-ost. House: Hey (lurches out of chair and lurches up to Cuddy) You were never going to give me that space, were you? I saw Whitner the other day. She knew about the bet. Didn't seem that worried. Cuddy: She knew I'd win. House: She doesn't know me. In fact she doesn't know anything except what you tell her. And you told her that you were never going to give me that space, didn't you? Just tell me - do you at least feel a little guilty? If you want to teach me lessons, don't make commitments you can't keep. (Cuddy heads toward the hospital, House turns to parking lot. Wilson approaches) Wilson: How's it going? House: How guilty does she look? Wilson: Hmm. About an eight. House: That space is mine. Veni, vidi, vici. [Closing montage. Stevie wheeled to exit by his dad. Stands up. Mom hugs him. Foreman, dressed to leave, watches from balcony. At door, Stevie turns, makes eye contact with Foreman. They both nod. House limping toward parking lot. Foreman having dinner. Fully laid out table. Reading something on a clipboard. House reaches lot. Workman is fixing sign to say "Parking for House, M.D."]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x13 - Needle In a Haystack"}	foreverdreaming
[In a car. It is snowing and the windshield wipers are going.) Hannah: I'm okay. Let's just go home. Cynthia: You're getting checked out. Hannah: I tripped on the ice. Eight other kids tripped. This is embarrassing. Cynthia: You said you were just going to hang with your friends. I turn around and you're out there on the ice. Hannah: I'm fine. Cynthia: You don't know that. You fell. Awkwardly. Hannah: No, I didn't. Cynthia: You don't know how to fall. Hannah: I'm sixteen. I've been falling a lot. I think I'm getting the hang of it. And I checked. (Hannah turns on car radio. Rock music. Cynthia turns it off) Cynthia: And now the doctors are going to check. Hannah: You don't think that you're over reacting? I don't need you to fix every boo-boo. Cynthia: Then stop getting them. Hannah: I was just playing around with my friends. I was having fun. Cynthia: You know you can't do that. Hannah: Oh, I can't have fun? Cynthia: You know what I mean. I'm gonna have a talk with your friends. Hannah: No. Cynthia: And tell them that they need to stop... Hannah: No! I don't want you freaking them out! Fine. Fine, we'll go to the hospital. But they're going to tell you that I'm fine and they're going to tell you that you don't need to worry about... (Bright lights fill the car as a truck approaches. Cut to the car after the accident.) Hannah: Mom? Mom! (yells) Hello? (Hannah unbuckles her seat belt and moves to her mother.) Mom, you gotta wake up. No one's coming. Mom! (She shakes her mother, then sees cell phone on the floor. Grabs it, dials.) Operator: 911. What's your emergency? Hannah: We got into an accident on the canal road just outside Kingston. My mom's unconscious. Operator: Are you all right? Hannah: (looks at piece of metal sticking out of her leg) I'm fine. (hangs up) Mom. Mom. [House walks into Emergency Room. He sees Wendy.] House: Where's Foreman? Wendy: He's down here somewhere. House: Somewhere. Very helpful. Wendy: Do you have any idea when he's getting out tonight? House: Sometime. Wendy: I realize you can't predict. I just thought you might be able to estimate. It's Valentine's Day. I've planned a surprise getaway. House: Getaway. Wendy: Mmm-hmm. House: (speaking slower.) Getaway. (Wendy looks puzzled.) Get away. (with a disgusted look, she does so.) [Cut to Foreman examining Hannah.] Hannah: Is my mom okay? Foreman: She's gone to surgery. House: Foreman. Your girlfriend wants to know if you're available for Valentine's. Act surprised. What are you doing down here? Foreman: There's a snowstorm. E.R.'s short staffed. We're all supposed to be here. You're supposed to be here. You're an ass. Act surprised. (to Hannah) This could sting a little. (House lounges in corner, watching Foreman clean a cut on Hannah's leg) Hannah: Ow. (flinches) Can we hurry this up? Foreman: Make sure that ... House: Take your time. What's your name? Hannah: Hannah Morgenthal. House: You have CIPA, Hannah Morgenthal. Hannah: No, I don't. House: We have to do x-rays to make sure you don't have internal injuries. Blood test to make sure no infections. An EEG for neurological anomalies and biopsy a spinal nerve. Foreman: Whoa, whoa. Congenital Insensitivity to Pain is one of the rarest conditions on the planet. There's only been about sixty documented cases. House: Yeah, and I have seven reasons to think that she's one of them. Foreman: She says she's not. House: And that's reason number one. She knew what it was without us telling her. Two, she's still went from the snow but she's not shivering. That's odd. Unless she can't sweat or feel hot and cold. Hannah: The ambulance was warm. I want to see my mother. House: Three, scarring around the lip and tongue. When she was a baby she chewed on herself without feeling it. Hannah: I fell through a window when I was a kid. House: Four, when you cleaned the wound she flexed into the cleaner instead of away from it. It's hard to fake pain when you've never felt it. Takes an imaginative leap, Ms. Morgenthal. That's one of them Jew names. Ashkenazys are a higher risk group. Foreman: On the other hand, she says she doesn't have it. And she'd be dad by now if she'd never been diagnosed. House: They klled our Lord. Are you going to trust them? She wants to see her mom. If she admits having CIPA she knows we're not letting her go anywhere without a battery of tests. Foreman: You said you had seven reasons. House: I pulled a number out of the air. What, five isn't enough? Foreman: Five lame reasons aren't. I'm taking her to see her mom as... (House whacks Hannah on the shin with his cane. No reaction. Foreman looks at House.) House: I could ht her again if six aren't enough. Do the tests. (Hannah sighs, resigned.) [Cut to House entering Cuddy's office.] House: Need to bail on the E.R. I got a case. Why are you wearing perfume? Cuddy: Is this a real case or one of those imaginary cases that happen when you're bored? House: CIPA. Cuddy: CIPA is a diagnosis. Diagnoses happen at the end of cases. House: She's got no idea what's going on in her body. There's gotta be something wrong. Cuddy: In other words, she could be perfectly healthy but you're curious about someone who can't feel pain because you always feel pain so you want to go exploring. House: She was in a car accident. She needs x-rays, blood tests, EEG, nerve biopsy. I also note that, although the snow was coming down in sheets this morning, you left your hat at home and used ear muffs. Cuddy: Do your tests, except for the... House: So, while everyone else was just worrying about getting in, you were concerned with about "hat head." Blind dates are never a good idea. Only reason to wear a scarf like that is as a beacon to identify you in a crowd. Cuddy: Do your tests. Except for the nerve biopsy. House: I need the nerve biopsy. Cuddy: You'd risk paralyzing her. House: But it's neurological. Cuddy: You have no evidence of that. House: She tripped. Cuddy: Do you have any evidence other than the fact that a typically clumsy CIPA patient tripped on an icy day? (House shakes his head) If the EEG reveals a problem, we can talk then. House: (leaving) You could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation. [Cut to procedure room. Chase and Cameron at computer screens, Foreman standing.] Chase: Spiking on leads C3 and O2. Cameron: She could be going into a seizure. Hannah: Hello! Foreman: I think there's a simpler explanation. Hannah: You're not going to find anything. I'm fine. I wanna see my mom. (She is pulling all the electrodes off.) [Cut to House's office] House: So, sedate her. Foreman: She won't consent. House: She's a teenager. Foreman: No dad, mom's still in surgery. What do you want us to do? Hold her down? House: Well, only until you inject her with a sedative. Then you can let her go. Foreman: We tried. House: Seriously? Foreman: She's strong and doesn't care. We'd have broken something before we could get her to sit still enough to inject her. House: So, break her arm. She won't mind. Foreman: You're cranky. House: I'm in pain. Let's go break her arm. [Cut to hallway] House: Nurse Shortie, your biz-nitch, how long are you gonna waste her time. Foreman: I'm so glad we're walking somewhere. Another sixty feet and this conversation is over. House: When you guys are out of this program, Cameron will find somebody. Chase will find eight somebodies. And you'll be alone. Foreman: Thirty feet. House: You'll date and you'll date. But you're the ultimate Darwinian. You've got to fight for everything. Anybody else would just slow you down. Foreman: I'm still with her, aren't I? House: Yeah. I can only imagine it's because she hasn't given you an excuse to break up and you don't have the guts to recognize your own reality. (opens procedure room door) [Cut to procedure room] Hannah: I want to see my mother. House: Hi again. I'm sure I can say this without being condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you so - you're a kid, you're scared, you're stalling. Grow up. Hannah: I'm not scared. I'm never scared. House: See? How juvenile was that? You can't feel pain. Nothing left but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is? Hannah: It sucks. House: Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair. Hannah: Every morning I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep. House: Oh God, stop. I'm in a pool of tears here. Hannah: I can't cry. House: Neither can I. Every morning I check my eyes for jaundice in case the Vicodin's finally sht my liver. Hannah: I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling. House: I can't run. Hannah: Boys can't hold me for too long because I can overheat. House: Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour. Hannah: I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. You know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that. House: The bathroom's 50 feet from my office. Every drink of water I weigh the pros and cons, Hannah: After everything I do, I self-check: Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts. Count teeth, check temperature. Fingers, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises. House: I got sht. Hannah: I sat on the stove when I was three. Want to see the coil marks? House: Yeah. Hannah: You think I'm lying? House: You think I just wanna check out your tuchus, as your people would say. (As she stands and turns to show him her butt, he uncaps syringe and injects her. She turns back and he shows her the empty syringe. Fellows catch her as she slumps down.) Put her in the chair and run the damn test. If she moves again, give her nitrous. Cameron: You weren't sht because of leg pain, you were sht because you're a jerk. House: Some think the two are connected. [Cut to hospital room. A doctor is being paged. Cameron is preparing to take Hannah's temperature.] Hannah: He didn't have to do that. Cameron: Yeah, he did. Hannah: I'm sick? Cameron: No, your EEG was normal. X-rays showed no breaks, blood test showed no infections, urine indicated no... (Hannah's head falls back on pillow. She's convulsing.) Hannah? (She pulls the thermometer from Hannah's mouth. Turns on intercom over the bed) Call a code. Oh, God. (to staff coming through the door) Need ice packs and cooling blankets. Got saline in there? (pulls sheet off Hannah.) Nurse: She's not flushed. She's not sweaty. You must be... Cameron: She has a temperature of 105. (pours pitcher of water over Hannah. She and nurse place cold packs.) [Cut to view of unconscious Hannah then to Diagnostics Office] House: Wow. She's actually sick. Cameron: We've got her temperature down below boiling. Could be infection. House: No. LP showed normal proteins and no white blood cells. Chase: High billirubin. Could be a liver problem. House: Nope. Transaminases were normal. Foreman: Could be drugs. She's smoked pot since she was eleven. House: No again. Tox screen was clean. Foreman: We're doing this case backwards. We do the tests and then she gets sick? Cameron: Maybe we did something to her. Maybe she got sick after the tests. We should rerun them. House: And biopsy a spinal nerve. Foreman: You want to risk paralysis because she's got a fever? House: I want to risk paralysis because I don't know what's causing the fever. If it's neurological... Foreman: It's a fever. House: In a CIPA patient. Obviously things are a little different in her upstairs wiring. Chase: And have been since the day she was born. House: Yah. It's much more likely that whatever it is was cleverly waiting and hiding until you guys were done testing. (Takes coat and starts out door) Chase: Where are you going? House: You're all against this, right? And, you're all going to stand on principle and refuse to do it, right? I'm going to get Cuddy's approval. [Cut to OR, Cynthia is still in surgery. Nurse hanging bags on IV pole. Chase and Cameron are in the observation deck.] Cameron: How long are we going to keep Hannah in the dark about her mother? Chase: Long as possible. Cameron: Side air bag should be standard. Chase: I'm sure she'll agree. Cameron: She should know her mother's situation. Chase: Breaking that news is that surgeon's problem. Foreman: Any word from House? Cameron: No. Chase: No. Foreman: Maybe Cuddy will say no. Chase: (laughs) Cuddy never says no. Cameron: That's not true. Chase: Nobody ever says no. We don't say no. Foreman: You don't say no. Chase: He'll come back. He'll browbeat us. He'll give us seven reasons and eventually we'll fold. We all will. Not just me. The only way we can avoid biopsying this kid's spine is to find the answer some other way. Foreman: All the tests were negative. Chase: We need a better history. Cameron: How much more paperwork do you need? We've got pediatric records, a few dozen E.R. records, our own admission questionnaire. Chase: What's the first question? Cameron: Insurance coverage. Chase: Okay. Second question. Foreman: Just make your point. Chase: Where does it hurt? If we knew where it hurt, we could diagnose her. Foreman: You do know CIPA means she can't feel pain. Chase: No. CIPA means she's insensitive to pain. She still has scattered nerve fibers that could conduct pain but the signals don't make it to the brain. What if we give her more pain signals? A lot more pain signals. Maybe some of them might get through. Cameron: You want to trture her? Chase: No. Yes, we do this to anybody else, it's trture. Doing it to her, it's no different than pricking her finger. We keep poking sharp sticks into her, eventually we'll find the part that's already tender. [Cut to a coffee house. Cuddy is with a man] Don: So, what does a dean of medicine do? Cuddy: Oh, can we please not talk about that. I will talk about anything else, but I'm just trying to get away from work. Don: Metaphorically. Because, geographically the coffee place around the corner from the hospital probably isn't the furthest you could get. Cuddy: Well the snow. Don: Roads are clearing. But it's a good place to bat a retreat from. Do you usually expect your dates to go wrong? Cuddy: Experience has taught me to have an escape route. Don: Well, low expectations, that's in my favor. Cuddy: (Smiles. Then she sees House through the window. Her face falls) Whatever happens, I need you to understand that there are certain aspects to my life, I'm not happy about. House: (enters) I need the nerve biopsy. Cuddy: And you had to come here personally to tell me that. And how did you even know I was here? House: I had to bring the file. This is the most noncommittal location within walking distance. You left your car keys on your desk. (turns to Don. Loudly) Greg House. You two must have met online. Either that or you've got a friend who secretly hates you. Don: Uh, Don Herrick. Yeah, we connected through singleballroomdancelovers.com. House: Why would he volunteer that information? Don: Why would I hide it? House: You didn't tell him that anything he said will be held against you? (to Don) So, what line of work are you in? Don: Uh, auto maintenance. Changing oil and filters. House: Great, my place overcharges. You can't trust anything you guys say. So, where are you located? Don: In fourteen states. I own Eastern Lube. (House's face falls, trying to look unimpressed. Cuddy closes the file.) Cuddy: Most CIPA complications are infection and she's got a fever. LP? Urine? House: Clean. Normal. Same with the white blood cell count. Cuddy: Cancer? House: Nothing on the scan. I think it's her nerves messing with the temperature control. Amyloid, sarcoid, there's a lot of candidates. I want a biopsy. Cuddy: Fine. If that's what you need, go get it. House: (leans close to Cuddy's ear and announces loudly) He seems a lot nicer than that one from Wicca needs a daddy figure dot com. (Grabs a cookie from their table and leaves.) [Cut to procedure room] Chase: (dipping Hannah's hands in vats of water) One of these is warm and the other is very hot. Start here. Move to the hot one, just a few second. Then back. We're gonna monitor activity in your brain while you do it. If you feel any response to the heat, it could indicate a vascular problem. Hannah: (puts hand in cold water) How's my mom doing? Chase: She's okay. Do you feel anything? Hannah: No. (moves hand to hot water) What does "okay" mean? Chase: (looking at thermal images on computer) She's still in surgery. They tell me it's going okay. You can take your hand out. Hannah: And you didn't ask anything else? Chase: Take your hand out of the water! Hannah: What's going on with my mother? (Chase makes a dash from the monitoring room) Chase: Hannah. (pulls her hand from the hot water) You just got second degree burns. Hannah: I'll be fine. What's going on with my mother? Is she gonna die? Chase: They said she's okay. Surgery this long is typical when there are internal injuries. [Cut to another procedure room. Hannah's head is in a frame] Foreman: Naloxone and kinase proteins in. Hannah: And that's gonna make me feel pain? I didn't feel anything when you guys screwed this thing into my head. Foreman: They'll replace missing chemicals in your nerves. Heightened sensitivity. We're going to be drilling directly into your skull. A response should indicate sarcoma. Hannah: What does it feel like? Foreman: It...hurts. Um...sorry. Bone pain is the worst there is. You need to let me know as soon as you feel anything. She's ready. (Surgeon puts the drill in place) Hannah: So, what? I just sit here while you guys drill a hole in me? You wanna talk? Foreman: Just you and your mom, huh? You two must be pretty close. Hannah: We were. Until I got arrested. The third time. Foreman: Drugs? Hannah: Fights. Foreman: You got an advantage. Hannah: Not really. Never know when to stop. Foreman: You piss a lot of people off or you just trying to piss off your mom? Those are pretty much the only two choices you have. Hannah? (she's looking around, nervous) You want us to stop? (Hannah reaches for the metal frame) Stop the drill. Stop the drill! (Foreman holds the frame while the surgeon removes the drill. Hannah is making squealing pain/panic noises. Foreman removes the frame.) It's okay. What'd you feel? Where did you feel it? Hannah, I need to know how it hurt. (Hannah smiles then pushes past Foreman and runs out of the room.) Hannah! [Cut to House's office. Wilson enters.] Wilson: I am so tired of this. Did you know that the new nurse from cardiology is sleeping with that weird lawyer from the board? House: (eating) The guy with eleven fingers? Wilson: He has eleven fingers? House: How do you not notice that? Wilson: The nurse used to be a man. House: She's not anymore? Wilson: But we can't talk about that. House: I thought we were. Wilson: We were supposed to talk about that. I came here to talk about that. But on the way up, I ran into Cameron. You've got a CIPA patient. House: Mmmm. trnny nurse is more interesting. Wilson: Oh it's way more interesting. But instead, I've got to be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience. House: No one enjoys? Wilson: You're studying her.... House: She's actually sick. Wilson: Which you found out after you took her on. House: I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous. Wilson: I don't think that metaphor was designed to actually warn cats. You don't care about her illness, you care about CIPA. Which means your focus is going to be on getting your answer, not hers. House: Thank you. Forewarned is forearmed. Wilson: What do you think you're going to figure out? You think her lack of pain is somehow the answer to your pain. House: I think if you'd stop talking to Cameron then right now we could be ranking nurses in order of doability. Foreman: (enters) Need you. House: What did the nerve biopsy show? Foreman: Never did it. House: Well then, do it. Foreman: Can't. House: Why? Foreman: She's going to jump off the lobby balcony. House: And you think I can catch her? (Foreman dashes out.) [Cut to balcony] Hannah: Get away from me. Cameron: I'm not going to hurt you. Hannah: Yes you are. You're just jealous that I can do anything. Cameron: Hannah, you're having a paranoid delusion. Hannah: I don't believe you. Chase: (to Cameron) Think she would? Hannah: This is real. You want me to be in pain. You even said so. Chase: If we wanted to hurt you, we'd let you jump. Hannah: Just let me see my mother. Cameron: Fine. We'll take you to her OR observation room. Hannah: I don't believe you. Foreman: Your mother is fine. I just spoke to her surgeon. Hannah: I don't believe you. Chase: Hannah! What do you want from us? What do you want us to do? Hannah: I can't feel my legs. Foreman: You're trying to pull the same stunt in ten minutes. Hannah: I'm not pretending. They don't hurt, they're just not there. (she falls. sht of her lying on the floor below. She moves.) [Cut to Hannah's room.] Cameron: Anything? We're not looking for pain. Anything at all? Pressure? Hannah: Nothing. Cameron: You have six broken bones, a fever, a concussion, erratic heart rhythms and a complete lack of sensation below the waist. Hannah: I feel fine. Is my mother out of surgery yet? Cameron: Not yet. [Cut to Diagnostics Office? Two light tables hold about a dozen x-rays.] House: This is excellent. Cameron: The paranoia seems to have dissipated but her vitals keep getting worse. She could be dad in hours. House: But if you're going to die a miserable, lingering death, pain free is the way to do it. Are we sure the fall didn't cause the paralysis? Chase: The paralysis caused the fall. Spine's clean. No veritable fractures or spinal cord compression. House: Even better. The nuttiness and paralysis means there's definitely a neurological component. Foreman: Could be a nerve disease. House: Which is why we need to look at the nerve that you didn't biopsy. Chase: There are other tests... House: HIV? Syphilis? She was negative for all STDs. Vascular? No, ANA was negative. Cerebral clot? No, MRI was... Cameron: Thyroid storm. Foreman: Makes sense given her glucose reation was slow and her potassium is down. House: Yeah. I'll check with an endocrinologist. Cameron: Bennett's on call. House: Perfect. [Cut to door to a house. House knocks with his cane. Door opens. It's Cuddy] Cuddy: Nooooo. House: Need a consult. Cuddy: I already okayed your nerve biopsy. House: I need an endocrinologist. Cuddy: Bennett's on call. House: Won't pick up. His cell phone must be broken. Cuddy: Mine's working. House: Had to give you the file. Cuddy: (reading) I assume you're thinking thyroid storm. You done a hormone panel? House: Normal. TSH was on the low side. Is that a cheery fre I hear crackling nearby? Cuddy: No. What about CPK enzymes? House: Elevated. 275. Of course, people light fires for themselves. But then they don't deny it. He's here. Cuddy: CPK isn't high enough. Potassium's what you'd expect because of the bronchodilators. House: (looks at her then looks skyward in exaggerated manner) Oh my God. You're not wearing a bra. Cuddy: It's not thyroid storm. House: You just met him. Cuddy: I like him. And I like sex. Do I need to stitch a letter on my tops? House: No. But it might be worth taking out an ad in the local papers. Cuddy: (taking a couple of steps forward) Do you like me, House? I was on the phone with Bennett 15 minutes ago. His cell phone's working. You're M.O is to avoid me at all costs. And suddenly you need my input on every move you make. I can only assume it's because I'm on a date. House: When we met, I noticed... Cuddy: You noticed he was a Shriner because of the way he parted his hair. You noticed he was a momma's boy because of the way he blinked his left eye. I'm not interested. I'm not impressed. There are only two reasons anyone would want to screw with me tonight. Either they're an altruistic, decent person who's worried about my well being. Or, they want me for themself. House: You left out the third option. Evil bastard who just wants to mess with other people's happiness. Cuddy: Goodnight House. (she goes in, closing the door. Goes to living room) We won't be bothered again. Don: (putting on his shoes) It's late. I should go. Cuddy: Why? Don: I part my hair on the left and I'm a Shriner? Cuddy: (covering face with hands) You heard the conversation. I'm not interested in him. Don: I don't blame you. Cuddy: I only said those things so he wouldn't come back. Don: I don't really care about my job. I do it well. I provide a service. But my goal was always to make enough money to do the things I really like. Music. Travel. Cuddy: I like those things too. Don: You like them but they're not really important to you. I don't know whether it's House, your job or if you just thrive on conflict but... You should hear yourself when you're talking to him. Nothing else in the world's going on. You're focused, confident, compelling. Don't... don't take this the wrong way, but I'd like to go out with that woman. Cuddy: I can get her on the phone. (Don kisser her on the cheek and leaves) [Cut to House's office] Cameron: Where did you go? She's getting worse. House: It's not thyroid storm. Get me a spinal nerve. Chase: There are still other tests. House: She just said the girl's getting worse. You really want to wait? (Drops file on his desk. Looks around, confused.) Cameron: (as House heads into the hall, followed by fellows) We'll be risking infection. Maybe make the paralysis worse. House: (leaving office) It is worse. We're making it worse than worse? Do the biopsy. Chase: You could paralyze her and get no useful information. House: Do the biopsy. Foreman: You're thinking peripheral neuropathy. We should take a nerve a little further away from the spine. House: A little further from the truth. We're talking paralysis. Good chance the spine is relevant. This thing is progressing. It could kll her in hours. (opens door to Wilson's office. Wilson is reading. House holds out his hand.) Give me back my papers. Wilson: (to fellows) Is he asking for a spinal nerve? Cameron: How did you know? Wilson: Give us a minute? (Fellows leave, closing door) Did you know they recently found a protein that speeds up nerve growth? Fascinating stuff. If you put that protein with the insulation from a spinal nerve, you could grow your own little garden. If that spinal nerve... House: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If it happened to come from a person with CIPA I could grow pain-free nerves and graft them into my own leg. What an evil plan. Wilson: You'd have to be on immunosupressors for life. Risk of infection. Shorter life span... House: Shorter, but normal. Wilson: Usually jealousy expresses itself by trying to destroy what someone has. You're more ambitious. You actually want to change medical fact to get this thing you... House: Medical fact changes all the time. Wilson: You're risking your patient's life. House: That's how medical fact changes. A doctor risks... Wilson: To serve their patient health, not their own. House: This is medically justified. Wilson: Are you sure? Are you sure that you're the right one to be making this call. [Cut to hallway where the fellows are waiting] House: Biopsy whatever nerve you figure you can safely get at. God, Wilson's annoying. [Cut to lab. Cameron and Foreman are running tests.] Cameron: Past 3 a.m. on Valentine's Day night. I assume you had a date with Wendy. Foreman: She'll survive. She knows the deal. Cameron: You're lucky. Foreman: I know. Cameron: Someday, when there's time, I would like to actually have a social life. Foreman: Someday? Come on. If there's one thing a good-looking woman can have whenever she wants, it's a social life. Cameron: You mean a sex life. Foreman: There's nothing wrong with a little companionship 'til the real thing comes along. Cameron: I had the real thing. Forgive me if I don't want to settle. Foreman: Right. Cameron: What does that mean? Foreman: Nothing. Cameron: You think I didn't have the real thing? Foreman: I have no idea what you had. Cameron: And yet you're judging it. Foreman: It's late. I'm cranky. Sorry. Cameron: I didn't have the real thing. How could you even know? Foreman: You married a dying man. You thought six months, a year, it'll be tough. But then I'll recover and I'll have the rest of my life. It's like willingly getting the flu or joining the Peace Corps. Short term. Cameron: Wow, you nailed it. It was basically like a wasted weekend. Foreman: The sacrifices you made were huge. But they were at the height of your love for him. Commitment is only commitment because it has no expiration date. You stand next to someone and watch them floss for 30 years like my parents have, then ask for sacrifices. That's how you know the real thing. Cameron, I wasn't criticizing you. People who avoid commitment are people who know what a big thing it is. Cameron: (looking into microscope) This isn't right. [Cut to House entering lab.] Foreman: CIPA can't cause this much degeneration. Chase: A few nerve fibers we teased out of the center had some insulation left. But the insulation around the bundles is stripped bare. Cameron: Means damage must be coming from the outside in. House: Which means it's secondary demyelination. Which means the source is somewhere else. Which tells us it's not a nerve disease means it's something systemic that's affecting the nerves. Which mean we need to... (to Cameron) Where are you going? Cameron: Kid's mom is finally out of surgery House: I'll be right back. [Cut to hallway as House follows Cameron.] House: So what? Cameron: Hannah should see her. House: Yes, immediately after we're done chatting about saving her life. Most likely causes are metabolic. Cameron: They found brain swelling. They're prepping her mother for another surgery. House: Again, so what? Get a nurse to take the kid. There are more than sixty different metabolic conditions that could account for what she's got. There are only three of you guys. Cameron: She's scared. House: She should be. She'll die if we don't diagnose her. Cameron: So, diagnose her. [Cut to Cynthia's room.] Hannah: Mom. Cynthia: (moans and turns toward Hannah.) How... (she pulls off her oxygen mask) How bad is it? Are you okay? Hannah: I'm okay, mom. I'll get better. I always get better. Cynthia: Are you checking yourself? Your temperature? Hannah: Mom, could you just let it go. You shouldn't be worrying. Cynthia: Baby, I'm sorry. I should have seen that car coming. Hannah: No. Mom, I did this to myself. I screwed up. You were right. You were right and I was wrong. Cynthia: No. No. Hannah: I shouldn't have gone out on the ice. And I shouldn't have fallen down. And I shouldn't have made you rush me to an E.R. for the tenth time this year. (monitors start beeping) Mom? Mom? Cameron: You okay? We're gonna have to take her back to surgery. Hannah, your BP is way up. We need to get you some rest. Hannah: (touching hand to eyes) My hand's wet. Cameron: You're crying. Hannah: I can't cry. Oh. My head's klling me. [Cut to Diagnostics Office] House: So, what does the pain tell us? Chase: No tingling, no itching. So we can rule out... Foreman: It tells us nothing. It wasn't physical pain, it was emotional. House: Exactly. What were they doing when she got the headache? Chase: Saying goodbye. House: You said they were arguing. Cameron: They weren't really arguing. She was just frustrated. House: What were they arguing about? Cameron: Whose fault it was. House: Peripheral neuropathy, fever and intermittent paranoia. Lots of metabolic conditions can explain those things. But what if we add guilt? Chase: Guilt as a symptom? House: Alzheimer's can cause euphoria. Pain causes depression. And B12 deficiency causes guilt along with all that other stuff. Foreman: If she felt guilty, she wouldn't be making her mother's life miserable. She wouldn't be getting into fights, getting arrested... Cameron: Maybe she's fighting because she feels guilty. She's showing her mom she can take stupid risks and still be safe. Means her mom can let go. Foreman: Which is rational. If guilt is a symptom it's caused by the illness, not by a thought process. And it would have to be new. Cameron: A couple of years ago she was a model student. Chase: This is pointless. If the headache was caused by the illness, it means she has a B12 deficiency. If it's just because she was sad, it's meaningless. How the hell do we test for that? House: We don't. Give her a sht of B12. If she gets better, I was right. Foreman: We already did. (holding chart) The E.R. gave her B12 when she was admitted, part of a multivitamin supplement. Apparently she's just sad. [Cut to Wilson's office. He's doing paperwork and eating a sandwich.] House: (entering) Why are you still here? Wilson: Trying to get a couple of patients into a drug trial. Paperwork's due tomorrow. Why are you here? House: I still haven't figured out why. Wilson: No, I meant here. In my office. House: Just dumped a cool B12 theory. Moved on to leukemia. (drops file on Wilson's desk.) Wilson: Very pedestrian. House: I'm not happy. Her white blood cell count was low. But the ones she's got... Just a whole lot of eosinophils. Wilson: The immunoglobulin E level's borderline. If you want to be one hundred percent sure, check the bone marrow. House: Team's doing a biopsy right now. (sits) So it turns out, the weird lawyer knew that she used to be a man. Wilson: And he's cool with that? House: Turns out that his previous girlfriend also used to be a man. Wilson: Ho, ho. House: Yeah. (reaches over and grabs half of Wilson's sandwich.) Wilson: Is it possible for you to just watch me eat. Or do you get some primeval thrill out of beating the other hunters to the food. (House freezes for a moment. He throws the sandwich and leaves.) See you later. [Cut to procedure room] Hannah: You still haven't figured out that I don't need sedation. Chase: It's so you don't move during the procedure. House: Is that nitrous? What are you, trying to kll her? You gave her nitrous during the EEG. That's what made this thing rear it's ugly head. Chase: What thing? House: B12 deficiency. Foreman: Are you having d骠 vu? We've had this conversation. She was given B12. She didn't get better. House: Because someone else ate it. Get an abdominal MRI. Hannah: What? What are you doing? (pulling away from them on the gurney, hysterical) Don't touch me. Don't touch me. House: See. There she goes. Another paranoid delusion. She's going downhill. Forget the MRI. We need an O.R. Hannah: Leave me alone. [Cut to gurney being pushed through stainless steel doors. Another operation in the O.R. has already gn.] Female Surgeon: Occupied. House: Her hernia can wait. (he is pulling on gown as he talks. No mask.) Hannah: Help. They're trying to kll me. House: Okay. You can either believe that we really are trying to kll her... or you can assume that she's suffering from a medical condition. Seeing as this is a hospital and we're all dressed like doctors and there are easier ways to kll somebody... Surgeon: Bev, help them. House: I'm going to need iodine, scalpel numbers 10 and 15, forceps and a largish salad bowl. (Hannah continues to struggle as House starts to bare her midriff.) Okay. Hold her down. Come on, weenies, she's in a cast. Swab. (Swabs Hannah's belly, hands it back to Bev.) Fifteen. Surgeon: You're not going to anesthetize her? House: Relax. It's just a magic trick. (As he begins to cut her stomach, Hannah starts screaming as loud as she can.) She's faking it. (to Hannah) We're not falling for it this time. (Hannah drops her head back on the gurney, defeated.) Okay, keep that retracted. (House works at the incision for a moment.) Forceps. (House starts to pull a tape worm out of Hannah, narrating in an exaggerated 1950s documentary voice) Lake fishing can be fun. It can bring the generations together. (Back to his normal voice) If you don't cook that trout or perch well, you'll be giving room and board to this fellow. By free board, I mean all the B12 you can take in. Bev: I could have a tapeworm in me? House: Not likely. You'd be in a lot of pain. (As he continues to pull the tapeworm out, a nurse snaps a picture with her cell phone.) Foreman: It's gotta be twenty five feet long. House: Damn. World record's over sixty. [Cut to Cynthia being wheeled into Hannah's room.] Chase: Hannah. Wake up. Somebody here to see you. She's got limited motion on her left side. You might have to take care of her for a while. (Hannah starts to get up to lean over to her mom) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't feel it, but you're about to rip your stitches out. Take care of yourself. Then you can take care of her. [Cut to locker room. Foreman is at open locker. Wendy enters] Wendy: You haven't gone home. Foreman: Sorry I screwed up Valentine's Day. Wendy: I'm dating a doctor. I'd be an idiot to expect anything else. Foreman: I did get you a gift. (Handing her a large envelope) MGH - best teaching hospital in Boston. Wanna be a nurse practitioner, that's as good as it gets. (He moves away while she stares at "gift) I made a few calls and, you're in if you want in. Wendy: This is why you've been helping me get my surgical hours for accreditation. Foreman: I thought you wanted... Wendy: (over) Stupid. You've got ten feet of personal space around you. I step forward, you step back. Foreman: I've shared a lot of things with you. Wendy: Which is why you're breaking up with me. You can't stand to be close. Foreman: Wendy, you think I'll stay with you because you're angry with me? Wendy: I'm upset. Because I care. Only you'd expect an argument to be rational. You and that ass boss of yours. (leaves) [Cut to Cuddy sleeping alone in bed. Music playing, continues through next scenes] [Cut to Hannah's and Cynthia's room] Wilson: (in doorway with House) You could ask her for the spinal nerve. House: She's got no reason to give it. Wilson: She owes you. House: The hospital will send her a bill. Wilson: I'm just saying, if you wanna do it, do it while her B12 is still low. Guilt can be your friend. (they walk down the hall) Breakfast? House: Yeah. [Cut to lobby. Cameron and Chase step off elevator. An orderly, carrying flowers, get on.] Chase: Happy Valentine's Day. Cameron: A holiday that only applies to people who are already paired up. For everyone else it's Wednesday. Chase: Wow. Thank you for that dash of cold water. Cameron: Don't get me wrong. I still think true love's out there it's just very far away. Possibly in another galaxy. We may need to develop faster than light travel before we can make contact. (They walk outside) So I'm thinking we should have sex. Chase: That makes sense. Cameron: Despite the wisdom of pop songs. there's no point in putting our lives on hold 'til love comes along. We're both healthy and busy people. We work together so it's convenient. Chase: Like microwave pizza? Cameron: And of all the people I work with, you're the one I'm least likely to fall in love with. Chase: Like... microwave pizza. Cameron: The point here is to make things simpler, not more complicated. Someday there'll be time to get serious about someone. Meanwhile, we already had sex once and didn't get weird about it. So... Chase: I get it. I get it. So, what if I'm offended by your judgement. Cameron: Then you're not the man I'm looking for. (She walks off, he smiles and follows.)	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x14 - Insensitive"}	foreverdreaming
[Theatre, Backstage. In a dimly-lit dressing room, Patrick Obyedkov, musical savant, struggles to button up his shirt. His father stands in front of him. They're both dressed in tuxedos.] PATRICK: I can't do this... button. DR. OBYEDKOV: [encouraging] Well, you've almost got it. [goes to help him] PATRICK: [repeating quietly] Almost got it. [Dr. Obyedkov buttons up his shirt fully. Patrick listens to the sound of the audience and smiles.] PATRICK: [excited] The sound... of the people talking. DR. OBYEDKOV: Hmm? [Patrick quietly hums a tune.] PATRICK: That's A-flat, isn't it? DR. OBYEDKOV: Wow, look how smart you are, hmm? [Patrick stands up, all set.] DR. OBYEDKOV: Here we go. PATRICK: [repeating] Here we go. [Dr. Obyedkov pats his son on his shoulders.] [Theatre, Stage. The whole place is darkened, spotlights casting the only light around. A grand piano is on the stage. The audience start to applaud as the Obyedkovs walk onstage, spotlights on them. As they approach a microphone, the spectators start to rise, giving them a standing ovation. Patrick looks at his dad in excitement. The applause dies down.] DR. OBYEDKOV: [addressing the audience] Thank you. I am proud to introduce my son to you. Patrick Obyedkov. [Applause starts again.] DR. OBYEDKOV: Twenty-five years ago, Patrick was in the fourth grade. A good student, played little league. And then there was the accident. [takes a moment] And here we are. Raising money for peoplewith similar neurological disabilities. I hope you enjoy the concert. [Dr. Obyedkov leads Patrick to the grand piano. Patrick sits in front of it.] DR. OBYEDKOV: [leaning slowly on Patrick's shoulders, whispering] All set? PATRICK: [whispering] All set. [The audience waits for Patrick to start. The piece is Beethoven's "Waldstein Sonata" (No. 21 in C major, Op. 53, Allegro con brio). He starts off perfectly. About fifteen seconds into his performance, he starts to feel a bit agitated, but plays correctly nonetheless. However, by the thirtieth second, he misses a couple of notes. His father frowns in surprise.] DR. OBYEDKOV: [to the man standing next to him] He's never missed a note. [Patrick's really uncomfortable now. He appears to be in pain, yet he continues to play.] DR. OBYEDKOV: Something's wrong. [The recital now starts to get hurried and frantic as Patrick fingers almost seem to be out-of-control. Dr. Obyedkov runs onto the stage to check up on his son. Patrick finally slams the keys in frustration and sits back. His father approaches.] DR. OBYEDKOV: [concerned, whispering] Patrick, what is it? PATRICK: [in pain] My hand. Hurts. DR. OBYEDKOV: Let me see it. [Dr. Obyedkov lifts Patrick's left hand to see that the fingers have all started to bend backwards.] PATRICK: [crying in pain] Oh, papa! [He starts to yell out in agony into his father's shoulder.] [PPTH, Diagnostics office. Late night/early morning. The room is dark. Cameron is the first to enter. There's a paper bag sitting on the glass table. The bag has a Post-It on it, saying: GOOD MORNING. READ NOW. XO YO YO MAMA Cameron sits at the table and yanks off the Post-It to read it. Looks like she's recently washed her hair and bunned it up. Foreman enters.] FOREMAN: [hardly enthused] What's the emergency? CAMERON: Thirty-five-year-old savant, dystonia in his left hand. FOREMAN: [annoyed] He page us at five in the morning for that? [scoffs] I'm going back to bed. [starts to walk out.] Dystonia's not life-thrat. Clonazepam will take care of tha... CAMERON: He's already on Clonazepam. Or seizures he has from a bus accident when he was ten. FOREMAN: [re-entering] Then we treat with Benztropine. [Chase enters. Looks like he's had a bath as well.] CHASE: [drowsy] What's up? CAMERON: Thirty-five-year-old savant, dystonia. CHASE: [blows raspberry in disinterest] I'm going back to bed. [He turns to leave and almost crashes into House and his coffee at the doorway.] HOUSE: Where you going? CHASE: [caught, sheepishly turns around] Bathroom. It can wait. [House enters, while Chase goes to sit down next to Cameron.] FOREMAN: There is no case, House. Even if dystonia was some big medical mystery, it's not this time. HOUSE: You're not intrigued as to how a perfectly healthy ten-year-old boy, with no prior musical training, gets into an accident on his way to school... [Using his cane, he yanks away the bagged breakfast, just before Chase can get his hands on it.] HOUSE: ...and suddenly starts playing piano? CHASE: Do we have to start a twenty-five-year-old case before breakfast? [House looks at Cameron and Chase.] HOUSE: You two shower together? CHASE: [simultaneously] [busted, yet denying it] No. CAMERON: [simultaneously] [acting disgusted] No. HOUSE: [to Foreman] Double negative. It's a yes. FOREMAN: Savantism is just one of those things. It's... inexplicable. HOUSE: [taking a donut out of the bag] Just because it's "inexplicted", doesn't mean it's inexplicable. I want new labs. CBC with platelets, chem panel, thyroid and adrenal function tests. [bites donut] CAMERON: For what? HOUSE: [mouth full, shrugs] I don't know. [Patrick's room. Patrick sits on the bed, swinging his legs. Foreman is examining him, while his father watches.] FOREMAN: Raise your left hand. [Patrick cheerfully raises his right arm.] FOREMAN: [correcting] That's your right hand. [Patrick raises his left arm. Foreman examines it.] DR. OBYEDKOV: What're you looking for? FOREMAN: Just wanna make sure whatever happened doesn't happen again. [to Patrick] Push up. PATRICK: [repeating as he does so] Push up. DR. OBYEDKOV: He repeats what people say. It's a compensation mechanism. He knows he's supposed to say something, so he repeats what he just heard. FOREMAN: That's good. Shows he's engaged. [Dr. Obyedkov smiles at Patrick.] FOREMAN: [letting go of Patrick's arm] Spine's okay. Alright, stick out your tongue like this. Copy me. [sticks out his tongue, curling it at the sides.] PATRICK: [smiling] You have a big tongue. [laughs] FOREMAN: [chuckles] I know it's funny, but copy me. [He sticks out his tongue again. Patrick sticks out his tongue, but curls it downwards. Foreman, with a grunt, motions for him to keep it straight and curl it at the sides, like he's doing. Patrick straightens it, but points the tip upwards and lets out a quiet grunt.] [Clinic, Exam Room. House is examining a female patient. She sits on the table, bare-footed, while House sits away pulling out a needle (with a rubber tube) and a piece of tape from a drawer.] PATIENT: There was construction on Radcliffe, so I had to get out of the car and-and walk in high-heels for over a mile. HOUSE: Radcliffe? What was the cross street? PATIENT: Does it matter? HOUSE: I don't know. You're the one who brought it up. [holds out his left arm and puts a strap over it] Tie this off. [The patient looks confused.] HOUSE: Nice and tight. [She bends forward and ties the strap tightly around his arm, while he rolls up the sleeve.] PATIENT: Does this have anything to do with my foot? [House pushes the needle up his forearm and sticks it in place with the tape. He pumps his hand a couple of times, allowing the blood to flow into a test tube at the other end of the rubber tube.] HOUSE: You have a blister. You don't waste a doctor's time with a blister. Waste a doctor's time with more important things like the sewer that's beng vented out of your mouth. PATIENT: [putting her hand to her mouth] My breath? HOUSE: [moving away as she speaks] If you could stop doing that, we'd all be grateful. PATIENT: [giggles] I can't stop breathing. HOUSE: Nope! But you can stop puking. [removes the strap from his arm and takes out the needle.] PATIENT: [outraged] I don't...! HOUSE: Your lips say no, your gnarly fingers say -- [makes a vomiting noise, like "Uwaah!"] [The patient looks away in embarrassment. There's a knock on the door. Foreman enters. House pulls down his left sleeve.] FOREMAN: He's good to go. HOUSE: [to the patient] It's a shame. You look cute that thin. [She glares at him as he leaves.] [Clinic/Nurse's Station. House and Foreman emerge from the Examining Room and start walking towards the Nurse's Station.] FOREMAN: Motor cortex looks good. Everything checks out. HOUSE: What tests did you run? FOREMAN: [annoyed at being questioned like this] Full battery of neurological... HOUSE: [to nurse at Nurse's Station] I need this blood checked for cholesterol and glucose levels. [He puts the test-tube of his blood into a plastic bag. Foreman looks confused.] FOREMAN: Patient had a foot problem. HOUSE: Different patient. FOREMAN: There's no one else in here. HOUSE: [quickly changing the subject] You're using the wrong equipment. [He limps off.] [PPTH Hallway/Patrick's room. House and Foreman push the hospital's piano into Patrick's room. Patrick looks happy at the sight of the piano.] DR. OBYEDKOV: Dr. Foreman, I thought we were being discharged. HOUSE: I'm Dr. House. On the off-chance that Dr. Foreman didn't mention it, I have something of a gift too. [to Patrick, beckoning] C'mon. [They sit on the edge of the bed, in front of the piano. House plays a the opening bars of "I Don't Like Mondays" (by The Boomtown Rats), with Patrick watching his every note carefully. Then he stops and looks at Patrick.] HOUSE: Your turn. PATRICK: [repeating] My turn. [Patrick plays the exact number, note for note. Foreman smiles. House even gives some accompanying claps.] DR. OBYEDKOV: Does this have anything to do with his hand? HOUSE: [nods] It might. [to Patrick] Okay, Patrick. Close your eyes. [Patrick does so.] HOUSE: What's this? [hits a few keys at once.] PATRICK: [eyes closed, concentrating] D, G-flat, A-flat, B... HOUSE: [interrupting] Yeah, all right, all right. FOREMAN: He's good. Can we let him go? HOUSE: [looking at Patrick] He's great. He's staying. [He starts to play a melancholy number, with Patrick joining in after a short while. House slowly moves his fingers away and watches as Patrick continues to play. Finally, Patrick stops.] HOUSE: [to Foreman] Call radiology. I need a Functional MRI of his brain. FOREMAN: FMRI's not gonna show trauma. HOUSE: I'm not looking for trauma. I wanna see the music. PATRICK: [repeating] The music. [MRI Room. Classical music plays on the stereo as Patrick undergoes a FMRI, while House and Foreman look on from the adjoining room. House sucks on a lollypop. They're looking at a 3D simulation of Patrick's brain.] HOUSE: Well, that's dull. FOREMAN: Think FMRI's gonna show a big arrow pointing to a flashing sign saying "Savantism"? HOUSE: Would be hugely helpful. Somehow he got rewired as a music specialist. I wanna know how that happens. FOREMAN: He had access to parts of his brain that you don't. HOUSE: His brains doing nothing. Looks like any jerk listening. FOREMAN: He's not savant at listening. He's a savant at playing. Both listening and playing are different neurological processes. [House looks at Patrick, lying on the MRI table, docile.] HOUSE: Turn off the music. [Foreman puts off the music, while House leans into the microphone.] HOUSE: [over radio] Patrick, I want you to pretend that your leg is a piano. PATRICK: [over radio] But it's not a piano. HOUSE: [gimme strength] I know. That's why I said "pretend". [shuts off the microphone, to Foreman] Kid's a moron. [turns microphone back on] Keep your head still, use your fingers. [Patrick slowly starts to move his fingers as if he were playing a piano. Everytime his finger comes down, background music (not the stereo this time) plays the corresponding note of the imaginary piano. Soon he's using both his hands.] [In the adjoining room, a beep is heard. They look at the 3D brain. Many areas of the brain are lit up.] FOREMAN: [disbelieving] Wha...?! HOUSE: [calm] Cool, huh? His heart rate rose. FOREMAN: Emotional response? HOUSE: Then why is there no activity in the limbic system? Unless there's a problem in his heart. Do an echo to confirm. And scrub up. He's gonna need surgery. [They get up quickly.] [Outside Operation Room. Foreman is prepping for surgery and speaking to Cameron, who seems to have her mind on something else.] FOREMAN: [wiping his hands] Wasn't dystonia. He's got a heart condition that caused the arteries in his arm to constrict. CAMERON: Do you have any idea why House would wanna go to Boston? FOREMAN: [shrugs and pouts] The chowder? CAMERON: Plane tickets, this Friday. I opened his mail. I heard there's an opening at Harvard for division chief, Infectious Disease. FOREMAN: [putting on gloves] Ambition's not one of his more prominent traits. [Cameron puts a vest on him.] FOREMAN: Although... CAMERON: What? FOREMAN: He was testing blood in the clinic. Don't think it was the patient's blood. CAMERON: Why? It was green? FOREMAN: No, he was checking for routine stuff. [Cameron puts a collar around his neck.] FOREMAN: Makes sense if he's checking for basic medical clearance for employment. [They look at each other.] [Outside someone's apartment. And it's time for our weekly break-in, although this one isn't House-approved, considering Cameron and Chase are attempting to break into his place. Cameron checks under the doormat. Chase, baseball cap on his head, leans against the door frame.] CHASE: I'm going home. CAMERON: [standing up] No, you're not. CHASE: He could show up any minute. [Cameron manages to find House's apartment key on the top of the door frame.] CAMERON: [victoriously displaying the key] Not with a savant to obsess about. [House's apartment. They enter the dark apartment, putting on the light. Chase slams the door shut quickly.] CAMERON: I'll take in here. Bedroom's down the hall. CHASE: You've been here? CAMERON: [uhhh] Where else would the bedroom be? CHASE: [as he passes by her] Come with? CAMERON: [amused] You're scared of him catching us breaking into his home, but you're not scared of him catching us doing it in his bed? CHASE: [making his way to his boss' bedroom] I'm gonna get fired anyway. [PPTH, Operating Room. Foreman is threading a catheter through Patrick's femoral artery toward the heart.] FOREMAN: Almost at the heart. [looking at monitor] ____. Aaand... done. [He pushes the catheter fully inside. Suddenly, Patrick starts to convulse. The monitors begin beeping.] NURSE: Heart rate's one-sixty! It's accelerating. He's at two-ten! FOREMAN: [urgently] Supraventricular tachycardia. Paddles! [He motions for the paddles. The nurse preps them and hands them over.] NURSE: Charging! [Foreman quickly puts the paddles on Patrick's chest.] FOREMAN: Clear! [ZAP! Patrick jerks forward.] [House's apartment. Our intrepid "House"-breakers are hard at work.] CHASE: [going through a magazine, calling out] We're wasting our time! CAMERON: [holding a big book] His high-school yearbook. CHASE: Unless you think he's going to Boston to attend a high-school reunion, put it back and let's get out of here before he comes home. CAMERON: [looking at the yearbook] He's not smiling. [The picture shows a much-younger fully-shaven (or yet-to-grow-a-stubble) House, scowling.] CHASE: I wonder if he has teeth. [Cameron closes the book.] CHASE: [looking at a phone bill] What's the area code for Boston? CAMERON: Six-one-seven. Why? [Chase doesn't answer. He dials a number on the cordless telephone. They get a ringing tone.] VOICE: [over phone] Massachusetts General. May I help you? [Chase and Cameron exchange looks.] [Cuddy's office. Obviously tipped off by Cameron and Chase, Cuddy angrily paces in her office, while speaking to her counterpart in Mass General, on the speakerphone.] CUDDY: Did you think you could steal Dr. House without a fight? DR. MEDICK: [over phone] Steal him for what? CUDDY: Quit jerking me around. I know he's coming out there. DR. MEDICK: [over phone] We're not looking to hire him. CUDDY: He's called you six times in the last month! DR. MEDICK: [over phone] We're not looking to hire him. CUDDY: You think if you keep repeating it, I'll start believing you? DR. MEDICK: [over phone] Dr. Cuddy, there's nothing else I can say. I'm sorry. [Cuddy nervously plays with a rubber band as she speaks.] CUDDY: If he's not coming there for a job interview, he's either coming to your hospital for a social visit or because he's a patient. [She stops playing with the rubber band as she remembers that House is not really the social type. She looks at the phone anxiously.] CUDDY: [hoping against hope] Is it a social visit, Dr. Medick? DR. MEDICK: [over phone, bat] I can't stand House. Neither can Dr. Kupersmith. [Cuddy looks afraid.] [Wilson's office. Wilson's at his desk. Cuddy enters and walks over to his balcony window, ensuring that House is nowhere in sight.] WILSON: What's up? CUDDY: D'you know Dr. Kupersmithin Boston? WILSON: Yeah, he's an oncologist. What's up? CUDDY: What's his sub-specialty? WILSON: Brain cancer. [bat] What's going on? [Cuddy looks at him, fear written all over her face.] [Diagnostics office. House and the Ducklings are going over Patrick's case. At least the Ducklings are. House stands in front of the glass table, twirling his cane, tossing it in the air and catching it like any baton-twirler with a medical licence.] CUDDY: [voice over] He doesn't look sick. He should have symptoms. Blurred vision, headaches, confusion, clumsiness... [Wilson's office. Cuddy is seated, while Wilson sombrely leans against his desk.] WILSON: Depends on how far along the cancer is. What kind, how agressive? [shrugs slightly] CUDDY: He didn't tell you? [Wilson gives here a "what do you think?" look.] CUDDY: House is House. WILSON: He's no different than anyone else with cancer. Once you tell, then every conversation is about that. [Diagnostics office. House reads a file away from the glass table, around which the Ducklings are huddled over Patrick's case.] FOREMAN: Cardiac arrest means we were wrong. CHASE: It was a heart problem. FOREMAN: But no vasoconstriction. The heart problem couldn't have caused the hand problem. HOUSE: [looking up from the file] Unless the bleed happened suddenly. Less blood to the brain explains dystonia. Less blood to the heart explains the heart attck. Scope him both above and below. If that doesn't work, [tosses file on the table] gut him. [Endoscopy Room. Chase is performing the endoscopy. Dr. Obyedkov hovers around, at his wit's end.] DR. OBYEDKOV: Can't sedate him? CHASE: There's a risk his throat could collapse. PATRICK: You look mad, papa. DR. OBYEDKOV: [gently] Nooo. No, I'm not mad, I promise you. It's just that uh, the doctor has to do something to you and it's gonna hurt. PATRICK: Hurt me? Why hurt me? DR. OBYEDKOV: Make you better. PATRICK: What's wrong with me? DR. OBYEDKOV: What, they don't know. [Patrick looks from his father to Chase and the other doctor, who has the scary-looking scope in his hand.] DR. OBYEDKOV: Patrick, don't you worry. Everything is gonna be great. CHASE: [coming over Patrick] All right, here we go, Patrick. [brings an instrument near Patrick's face.] PATRICK: [squirming nervously] You won't hurt me? CHASE: Okay, open. Like this. [opens his mouth to show Patrick.] [Instead, Patrick clamps his hands over his mouth. Chase tries to remove them.] DR. OBYEDKOV: You just look at me. Everything is gonna be okay. [With the help of the other doctor, Chase manages to get Patrick's mouth uncovered and starts inserting a scope. Patrick is frightened and squirming, while his father tries to comfort him.] DR. OBYEDKOV: Look at me. It's okay. It's okay. [Patrick gags as the scope enters his throat.] [PPTH Parking Lot. Wilson morosely walks to his car. Cameron emerges behind him.] CAMERON: Dr. Wilson. [He ignores her and keeps walking.] CAMERON: Wilson! [runs upto Wilson] Just spoke to Cuddy. She can't confirm whether House is applying for a job at Boston. WILSON: Yeah. I-I'm late for a... CAMERON: If I have to look for work, I have a right to know. [Wilson stops walking and sighs, closing his eyes.] [Patrick's room. Patrick's undergoing the endoscopy, so he's not here. House sits in front of the piano, playing the same tune he had played and Patrick had continued. Wilson enters.] WILSON: [re: the song] Pretty. HOUSE: I wrote this when I was in junior high school. Could never figure out what came next. And Dimwit came up with this. [plays Patrick's rendition] WILSON: [impatient] It's good. HOUSE: It's perfect. WILSON: I could set up a tower on the roof during a lightning storm. Help you switch brains with your patient. Then you would be the brilliant pianist and he would be the doctor hiding brain cancer from his friend. [House stops playing.] HOUSE: It's nothing. [takes his cane from above the piano.] WILSON: You need to talk about it. HOUSE: You need to talk about it. WILSON: At least, let me look at your medical file. HOUSE: You're making a big deal out of nothing. Who else knows? WILSON: [quickly] No one. And cancer isn't nothing. HOUSE: Sorry, didn't mean to offend your specialty. WILSON: [unhappily] Why didn't you come to me? HOUSE: Stein's good. WILSON: Stein's in Africa for the next six months. HOUSE: He's given me at least six months. Go to Boston, get the treatment. [sighs] Everything will be fine. No need to talk about it. [Chase enters, holding a printout.] CHASE: [controlled voice] You're right. Surgeon found a bleed behind the kidney and the retroperitoneal cavity, but no reason for it. [sighs] No cancer, no ruptured arteries. [House looks up suspiciously at Chase.] CHASE: [walking up to House] So bleeding explains the symptoms, but we've got no explanation for the bleeding. [House narrows his eyes, watching Chase's expressions.] CHASE: And while they were closing him up, Patrick had a grand mal seizure... which makes no sense, since he's on an anti-convulsive medication. [House looks from Chase to Wilson.] HOUSE: [accusingly] You told him. WILSON: No, I didn't. [Chase drops his shoulders and the "stay-professional" act. House looks again at Wilson.] WILSON: [giving in] I... only told Cameron. [House throws his head up in exasperation. He grabs the printout from Chase's hand and walks out.] [House's office. Foreman and Cameron are talking. House busts in, followed by Chase.] HOUSE: [pissed] Hey! Okay. You guys have cleverly deduced that I have cancer. You have no right to know. You have no business knowing. FOREMAN: We'd like to run some blood tests... HOUSE: As soon as you work up our patient, who is not me. CAMERON: Just wanna make sure you weren't misdiagnosed. HOUSE: I wasn't. Let's move on. CHASE: We're just asking for a couple of vials. HOUSE: [loud] No! CAMERON: Why not? HOUSE: Okay, we're going to proceed as if I'm perfectly healthy. CHASE: How can we do that if we know you're not? HOUSE: You don't know anything! Except, hopefully, our patient on anti-convulsive medication has a seizure. FOREMAN: [giving up] Anti-seizure meds don't prevent seizures, they just make them manageable. HOUSE: [perusing the printout] According to the surgeon's report, this one wasn't even close to manageable. CAMERON: Means the question isn't why is he having seizures, it's why are his seizures getting worse? HOUSE: What's changed? FOREMAN: His brain, it's gotten worse. HOUSE: Why don't we make it even worser? [The Ducklings look confused.] HOUSE: [explaining] We take him off anti-convulsive medication. CAMERON: He'll seize even more. Multiple seizures can seriously damage a brain. HOUSE: Dude can't button a shirt. How much more damage are we really talking about? CHASE: Strongest seizures will light up different parts of the brain, which will indicate response to damage. HOUSE: Once he gets worse, do a PET scan. [House's office. He's at his desk, wearing prescription glasses, carefully taking apart some mechanical contraption (videocamera?). The door opens and he looks up.] HOUSE: [removing the glasses] PET scan done? [It's Cameron, holding a paper.] CAMERON: No. HOUSE: You come for my feelings? [Cameron is about to say something.] HOUSE: 'Cause I left them in my other pants. CAMERON: [opening up the paper] This is a letter of recommendation. I'm applying for a job at Penn. [She drops it on his table. He looks at her, then briefly glances at it.] HOUSE: Thank you for writing your own. Sure my thoughts are beautifully phrased. [signs it] CAMERON: Thank you for signing it. Saves me from having to fake your signature. [He hands it back to her and leans back in his chair. She puts it in an envelope.] HOUSE: Stay away from Weiss. He cries with his patients. Holds their hands as they die. He won't like you. [Cameron gives a look, asking why.] HOUSE: Your new-found nonchalance in the face of cancer. [A bat.] CAMERON: I thought you'd find it appealing. HOUSE: Twenty seconds. Pretty good. CAMERON: For what? HOUSE: Time it took you to go from hard-ass to human being. [He gets up from his chair and limps over slowly to face her.] HOUSE: You really wanna leave? CAMERON: If you're not here, there's not much point of staying. HOUSE: I'm not dad yet. [She looks at him and slowly advances.] HOUSE: What're you doing? [She moves closer to him, not a lot of air separating them.] HOUSE: I know this must be a turn-on for you. [She tenderly puts her hands on his cheeks, slowly moving upwards to reach his lips. He almost looks resigned. And that's it!! Fans, take note - House and Cameron are actually kissing! His eyes stay open for a while, but then they close and he starts to kiss back in earnest. Her left hand slowly moves from his side into her labcoat pocket. House feels the movement and jerks open his eye. He grabs her hand, just as it emerges from the pocket. He breaks the kiss simultaneously. He brings up her hand to see what she's holding. It's a syringe.] HOUSE: A little whorish to kiss and sab. CAMERON: [caught] You kissed back. HOUSE: I didn't want you to die without knowing the feeling. [yanks the syringe from her hand] Actually, no woman should die without knowing the feeling. CAMERON: All I need is a few drops of your blood. HOUSE: Foreman and Chase's lips are not gonna get to close, [holding up the syringe] now that I know your plan. CAMERON: [appealing] There's a nurse downstairs about to risk his job to steal the blood you drew from yourself yesterday. HOUSE: [has had enough] I'm Patient Number Oh-Two-Oh-Four-Oh-Six, in the Record Room, under the name Luke N. Laura! There's a whole file of blood there, along with CT scans, MRIs, CSF, everything you need. [Cameron starts to hurry out.] HOUSE: [calling after her] You need a sperm sample, come back without the needle. [She gives him a half-smile and leaves.] [Light room. Foreman sticks a CAT scan to the lightboard. As mentioned, the patient on the scan is "Luke N. Laura".] FOREMAN: Six-centimetre mass in his dorsal midbrain, extending into the temporal lobe. [he turns around resigned] That's inoperable. CAMERON: What kind of time does he have? FOREMAN: He's got a year. [Aerial view of PPTH. Day.] DR. OBYEDKOV: [voice over] Nurse! [Patrick's room. He's seizing heavily. His father tries to hold him down, while yelling out for the nurse. The nurse enters and checks on Patrick.] [Light room. House's scans cover most of the lightboards, while the tired Ducklings try to find ways of curing him. Cameron seems to have dozed off.] FOREMAN: [opening a file] Here's a consent from Boston, for the cancer drug trial. CAMERON: [waking up] Any description of the process for previous trials? FOREMAN: Yep. CHASE: Any chance it'll work? FOREMAN: No. It's not even designed to work. CAMERON: Why? What're you...? FOREMAN: It's designed to treat depression in terminal cancer patients. CHASE: He doesn't seem depressed. [The door flies open. House limps in, carrying a scan.] HOUSE: Hah! Okay, let's assume that I am dying. Which I specifically told you not to assume -- [brushes it off]. Can we at least assume that I'm not dying tomorrow? [puts the scan on the table] Whereas this kid... [Foreman wearily sits, grimacing.] HOUSE: PET reveals several more hotspots. But they're non-specific... FOREMAN: [loud] How can you focus on him? HOUSE: [mock crying] 'S the only way I can cope. [normal voice] PET also showed the left brain is working hard... FOREMAN: Harder than the right? HOUSE: Wouldn't be worth mentioning otherwise. CAMERON: Bleeding in the brain. Blood would irritate the lining, might cause the seizures to get worse. HOUSE: Yes! He needs an angiogram to look at the vasculature inside his brain. CHASE: We'll get right on it as soon as we're finished here. [House sees they're resolute, rolls his eyes and takes Patrick's scan off the table.] HOUSE: Don't get up. I got it. You're busy. Continue. [He limps off in a huff.] [Patrick's room. House is performing the angiogram on Patrick.] HOUSE: You know what my team is doing right now? PATRICK: No. HOUSE: Trying to figure what's wrong with me. PATRICK: What's wrong with you? HOUSE: Thanks for asking. They found out that I'm dying. PATRICK: That's sad. HOUSE: [moves a scanner above Patrick's head] Everyone's dying. PATRICK: That's sad. HOUSE: Meteor lands on my head tomorrow, it's all academic. I told them to leave me alone. But did they? PATRICK: [genuinely curious] Did they? HOUSE: No, that one was rhetorical. PATRICK: Oh. HOUSE: No, they did not. [Patrick looks away. House watches him for a bat.] HOUSE: Who the hell were you before you ht your head? PATRICK: [amused] "Hell" is a bad word. HOUSE: So is "ass", "bitch". [Patrick quietly laughs.] HOUSE: I can probably rattle off fifty much more complicated disgusting ones, but then your dad would get pissed at me. [Patrick is really enjoying this conversation.] HOUSE: Like your life? PATRICK: What life? HOUSE: Your life. Like the piano? Going on tours. Scoring girls left and right. PATRICK: [shyly] I don't like girls. HOUSE: [oh, okay then] Boys. [shrugs] Whatever gets you off. PATRICK: I like the piano. [House looks at the monitor and sees small dots on some blod vessels.] PATRICK: What's wrong? [House looks at Patrick.] [PPTH Pathology Lab. Foreman is on the phone, while Cameron and Chase condust tests.] FOREMAN: Dr. Peter Hayes, this is Eric Foreman at Princeton-Plainsborough. You were doing the signal transduction-inhibitor clinical trial. What kind of results did you...? HOUSE: [entering from behind] Transduction-inhibitors are a decade away. [He grabs the receiver from Foreman and puts it to his ear.] HOUSE: [into phone] Hi, Pete! [hangs up] [There's a pregnant silence, until Chase stands up.] CHASE: Got another trial going on at Duke. Fifteen percent extend their lives beyond five years. If you're positive for Protein PHF... HOUSE: [interrupting] Stop... trying to save me. I'm fine. MRA confirms smalls collections of blood throughout the white matter of Patrick's right hemisphere. Mind if we chat about that for a few moments? CHASE: Either trauma, an aneurysm, cancer or autoimmune disease. HOUSE: We need a biopsy to figure out which it is. FOREMAN: EEG was non-specific. Where you gonna biopsy? HOUSE: Everywhere! FOREMAN: Sssure. Just put on a blindfold and play "Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Brain". HOUSE: He's bleeding into his brain. He's dying. CHASE: You can't just randomly sab the temporal lobe and hope to ht the right spot. HOUSE: [mock-whining] I'm only gonna take little tiny pieces. CAMERON: 'Til what? HOUSE: 'Til I find the problem. CAMERON: Or you kll him. HOUSE: No, I'll keep going even if I kll him. [looks at them, sighs] Then he's screwed. Thanks for the chat. [He walks out.] [Aerial view of PPTH. Night.] [House's office. House sits on the couch, bouncing his cane on the floor, when Foreman enters.] FOREMAN: What if... we do the EEG from inside his brain? HOUSE: I'm actually little insulted. You were supposed to spend the last hour worried about me. FOREMAN: [carrying on] It's risky and invasive. HOUSE: But that's why God invented the long consent form. Can you get to why this is a brilliant idea? FOREMAN: External EEG could get confused if there are multiple structural abnormalities. If we perform the EEG inside the skull, it could show us where to biopsy. HOUSE: [shrugs] Brilliant. Go. Do. FOREMAN: [hangs around] I'd also like to talk to you about... HOUSE: [getting up from the couch] This is gonna get personal, isn't it? FOREMAN: Yeah. [House takes a look at him and beats a hasty retreat. Foreman looks frustrated.] [CUE MUSIC. "Rainy Day Lament" by Joe Purdy.] [PPTH Hallway. Dr. Obyedkov sits despondently in front of the Wall Fountain. Foreman holds a consent form in front of him. He looks up.] FOREMAN: We'll use a small drill to get inside his skull... [EEG Room. Patrick's fully shaven head is moved towards the EEG. A hole is drilled into Patrick's head, while a nurse wipes off the blood pouring out of the hole.] DR. OBYEDKOV: [voice over] He's... bleeding inside... FOREMAN: Yes. Once we have twelve holes, we'll ____ electrodes ____ injuries against the brain. [TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: The soft dialogue was difficult to hear over the loud singing.] [PPTH Hallway. Dr. Obyedkov hands back the signed consent form to Foreman, who leaves. He looks down, anxiously.] [EEG Room. The doctor starts drilling the next hole in a marked spot on Patrick's head. He's awake and seems a bit uneasy while the doctor adjusts the head clamp. ] FOREMAN: [voice over] And it's either cancer or autoimmune disease. DR. OBYEDKOV: [voice over, softly] 'S either? FOREMAN: [voice over] Yeah. DR. OBYEDKOV: [voice over] Which one is better? FOREMAN: [voice over] Neither. [PPTH Hallway. Dr. Obyedkov has a concerned look on his face.] [EEG Room. Foreman speaks to Patrick as the holes are being drilled into his head.] [Patrick's room. House stands at the piano, hitting a few keys. Foreman enters, closing the door behind him. He has a file in his hand.] FOREMAN: Hey. HOUSE: [eagerly] Where do we cut? [House reaches for the file, but Foreman moves it out of his reach.] FOREMAN: We don't. I need to say something. HOUSE: [here we go again] Something personal? FOREMAN: Yeah. HOUSE: And I can't leave because you got something interesting in that file. FOREMAN: [smug] Sorry. [House sighs in surrender and sits on the piano stool, pretending to eagerly await Foreman's "personal" speech.] FOREMAN: You're an arrogant ass..., who makes it impossible for anyone to like him, by punching people who don't deserve... HOUSE: [impatient] Can we get to the "but" part of this speech? FOREMAN: [softly] But I like you. HOUSE: [looks at him for a bat] No, you don't. You're just reacting to the perception of my death. You need to put things in order. Fear of guilt... FOREMAN: [irritated] Will you shut up? HOUSE: See? I annoy you. Now are you gonna give me the results or are we gonna... [makes a hug-and-cry gesture.] FOREMAN: [sighs in frustration] Inter-cranial EEG showed no electrical abnormalities. HOUSE: [finally getting his hands on the file] Which means it's autoimmune. FOREMAN: No. Also showed his entire right hemisphere is brain-dad. [House takes in this new info.] [Diagnostics office. House is chiding the Ducklings.] HOUSE: So, while you guys were worried about me, half of this kid's brain died. The only solace you should take from this is the fact that... it didn't. Garden-variety EEG sucks compared to the in-brain variety, which is not gonna miss brain death. FOREMAN: He's gotten worse. HOUSE: Not that much worse. FOREMAN: Respiration is depressed. Seizures are increasing, one every five minutes. HOUSE: Not that much worse. He can still talk. He's left-handed, which means his speech is in the right side. CHASE: You don't know how Patrick's brain reorganized itself twenty-five years ago? HOUSE: [looking at a model of a brain] What if the right side... is just a little dad. Maybe he has random neurons fring. CAMERON: You're just looking for a puzzle to distract you from your own situation. HOUSE: You're right. He's dad. Let's go home. [He limps off.] [Patrick's room. Patrick is awake. His father is standing beside his bed. House and Foreman enter. House is carrying an electronic Flexi-Piano.] DR. OBYEDKOV: [hopefully] What'd you find out? Is he gonna be okay? FOREMAN: I'm so sor... HOUSE: [emphatically] Yes! [He sh*t down Foreman with a look and opens up the Flexi-Piano onto Patrick's bed-table. Foreman takes out a small paddle and cover's Patrick's right eye.] FOREMAN: What's this? PATRICK: [hoarse] A piano. FOREMAN: [covers Patrick's left eye] What's this? [Patrick doesn't answer.] FOREMAN: [to House] He's obviously lost the use of his... HOUSE: [quietly] Shut up. [House plays the opening bars of Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer". Foreman, as usual, seems to think of it as an exercise in futility. House stops playing and turns the Flexi-Piano to face Patrick. He moves the bed-table closer to Patrick. Patrick slowly moves his right hand to the piano and plays the remaining bars slowly, yet correctly.] HOUSE: [almost beaming] Music is a global process. Can't play the piano with half a brain. [PPTH Hallway. House and Foreman walk along the corridor.] FOREMAN: What's it mean? HOUSE: Means the right side of his brain has always sucked. Means it's not relevant what's going on now. FOREMAN: [smirks] Wow, then it's autoimmune. HOUSE: Yeah! Question is, what do we do about it? FOREMAN: 'S likely ones we can fix. Polyarteritis nodosa, Takayasu or sarcoid. I'll start treatment. [House has stopped walking.] HOUSE: Not what I was talking about. But yeah, you do that. [He limps off, leaving Foreman confused.] [House's office. He's facing the window and reading an article about Patrick. Chase enters.] HOUSE: [without turning around] Your turn? CHASE: Do you have to do that? HOUSE: [turning around] You mean, cheapen everyone's attempt at a human moment by identifying the real calculations taht go into it? CHASE: Yeeah. HOUSE: Yeah! I do. [goes back to reading the magazine] CHASE: I'm sorry you're dying. I'm gonna hug you. [House looks at him, dubiously.] CHASE: [getting emotional] Anything to say? HOUSE: Well, if you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything... [Chase ignores him and embraces him. House is expectedly surprised.] HOUSE: ... you can't finish. [Chase's face is almost buried in House's shoulder, but it's obvious he's crying. House drops his shoulders.] HOUSE: As long as we're just standing here, you mind if we work? How's the kid's treatment going? [Chase says nothing and continues to hold House emotionally.] HOUSE: Are you crying? CHASE: [finally letting go] No. [moves away, keeping his back to House] Respiration rate's up. Seizures are coming down. 'S all good. HOUSE: Not for what I'm gonna do next. CHASE: But there is no next. He's gonna be fine. HOUSE: Only if he wants to remain a four-year-old who wets his bed. [House starts to limp off.] CHASE: There's nothing else for him. HOUSE: There's better. Thanks for the hug. [leaves] [Chase looks perplexed.] [Cuddy's home. Dark. The doorbell is ringing incessantly. She's wearing a nightgown. Sleepily, she staggers towards the door, putting on nearby lights as she passes. She slaps her hand on the door, peering through the peep-hole.] [POV: Peep-hole. It's House, who moves his face closer to the peep-hole, making his face look hilariously expanded.] [Cuddy drops her shoulders and opens the door.] CUDDY: It's the middle of the night. You know I'd be asleep. HOUSE: Phone would have woken you up just as much. I can see what you're wearing on the phone. [Wearily, she walks inside. House follows.] HOUSE: [closing the door] My patient with the fifty-five IQ has Takayasu syndrome. Very uncommon. Happens mostly in Asian women. [He enters her living room. She puts on a wrap.] CUDDY: Takayasu is manageable with steroids, which you already know. So, I assume you're here for something else. HOUSE: My patient also has a significant seizure problem. CUDDY: Also manageable with anticonvulsive medication. HOUSE: Yes. He kept taking his anticonvulsive medication, he could go back on tour and play the piano. [Cuddy seems puzzled.] HOUSE: But... a hemispherectomy would completely stop the right-brain seizure activity and he would no longer need to take his anticonvulsive medication. CUDDY: [in disbelief] You want to remove half his brain? HOUSE: [confirming] The right half. It'd be irresponsible to remove the left. CUDDY: [arguing] You don't remove half a brain and gain function. HOUSE: Not my brain. But his, who knows? What? Lets say I'm the left side of Patrick's brain, I'm quick-witted, I'm charming, I'm great looking. [Cuddy smiles, amused at his analogy.] HOUSE: You're the right side of his brain. You're useless, old, damaged. [Cuddy smile wrily, but humours him nonetheless.] HOUSE: We go to a bar for a drink. Now, I have the mad skills to be scoring all the hot babes, but instead, I'm spending my time wiping drool off your chin and making sure you don't eat the tablecloth. CUDDY: [bat] What's the father wanna do? HOUSE: I don't know. CUDDY: [standing up] So go wake him up. [She starts to walk back to bed, putting off the living room lights. She stops in the foyer, as House comes up behind.] CUDDY: House, I'm so sorry. HOUSE: Forgot I was dying, huh? CUDDY: I'm here, if you need me. HOUSE: [all right!] I need you. [He advances. She smiles and hugs him, standing on her toes. Slowly, he moves his hands and places them firmly on her butt. She closes her eyes and smiles.] HOUSE: One small feel for man. One giant ass for mankind. [She pats him on his back and breaks the hug.] CUDDY: [softly] Thanks. Good luck in Boston. [She starts to go back to her bedroom. House starts to follow.] CUDDY: [without turning or stopping] Call the "Make-A-Wish" Foundation. [Smiling in defeat, House turns and makes for the door.] [Aerial sht of PPTH. Night.] [Outside Patrick's room. Patrick is asleep in his room. Dr. Obyedkov comes outside to speak to House.] DR. OBYEDKOV: [much more relaxed] Dr. Foreman was just here. Seizures have almost completely gone away. Says we might be able to go home in the next day or two. Thank you... so much. HOUSE: [like asking for change] I think we should we should remove the right side of your son's brain. DR. OBYEDKOV: I thought you fixed him. HOUSE: Does he look fixed? Right side of his brain is keeping him walking straight. Other than that, it's been dad-weight ever since the accident. 'F we remove it, seizures would stop completely. DR. OBYEDKOV: The seizures are hardly noticeable. They don't bother Patrick. HOUSE: But without the seizures, the left side would have a chance to actually function. He'll learn to do new things. Only bummer, he'll never play the piano again. DR. OBYEDKOV: [shaking his head] No. The piano's everything. HOUSE: I'm not saying he'd ever work for NASA, but flipping burgers isn't out of the question. DR. OBYEDKOV: I don't mind taking care of him, so he can play the piano. HOUSE: No, you're actually lucky. You don't have to watch your kid grow up, you don't have to let go. DR. OBYEDKOV: [mad] You trying to make this about me? I love my son! Just the way he is! HOUSE: He's a monkey-grinder at the circus. DR. OBYEDKOV: He's worked hard to get where he is! HOUSE: So has the monkey. [bat] The piano is a neurological accident. DR. OBYEDKOV: It's a gift. HOUSE: And I'm offering him a life. [Dr. Obyedkov looks at House a bat and begins to consider it.] HOUSE: It's up to you. [House leaves. Dr. Obyedkov looks at Patrick asleep in his room.] [PPTH Pathology lab. The tired yet persevering Ducklings continue to run tests on House's samples.] CHASE: [running a test] I've isolated the cancer proteins in House's CSF. FOREMAN: [impatient] About time. Can't let him go to Boston if he qualifies for the due [?] trial. CHASE: [sleepy yet annoyed] You wanna do it? [Foreman doesn't say anything. Chase hands Cameron a sample, which she carefully places in a machine. She checks the computer monitor for results. The monitor shows a bar graph with the words "Protein Type PHF".] CAMERON: Damn. He's negative for Protein PHF. He doesn't qualify. [Foreman drops his head in frustration. Chase comes over to the computer and types a couple of leys, bringing up a magnified view of the sample.] CHASE: [sees something] What's that? [He zooms into it and points. Cameron and Foreman lean to look.] CHASE: That shouldn't be there. [They all take a closer look.] [Patrick's room. Patrick is asleep in his bed, holding a pillow. His father stands over him, deep in thought. He sits and lightly taps Patrick on his shoulder.] DR. OBYEDKOV: [gently] Patrick. [Patrick awakens slowly.] PATRICK: [softly] Oh, papa. DR. OBYEDKOV: [smiles lovingly] Patrick, I have a question for you. PATRICK: Yes? DR. OBYEDKOV: [fighting back tears] Are you happy? [Patrick takes a while to say anything. Finally...] PATRICK: [repeating softly] Are you happy? [The repeated words are all the answer Dr. Obyedkov needs. He lets out a sob. He shifts around on his seat in grief, then stands and gives Patrick a short yet fatherly kiss on his forehead. He moves away to the door.] [Operating Room. Patrick's hemispherectomy is underway. A hole has been made in his head and the doctors are removing the right brain. The camera moves from the OR to the Prep room to the next room, where Dr. Obyedkov leans nervously against the door.] [Aerial view of PPTH. Night.] [House's apartment. It's now his time to be rudely awoken. He limps through the darkened apartment, as excited knocks are heard.] FOREMAN: [voice over] House! Open up! [knock! knock! knock! knock!] Open up! It's important! [Foreman keeps knocking, 'til House finally opens up, a bit irritated.] HOUSE: I got a flight in three hours. [On the other side of the door, stand three very excited Ducklings.] FOREMAN: [ecstatic] You don't have cancer. There was an abnormal presence of IgC and IgM indicating... [As he speaks, he advances inside. House blocks his way with his cane.] HOUSE: I don't have neurosyphilis. My MRI showed nothing... CAMERON: [really wide-eyed with joy] It's a gumma in your brain. It's very rare not to be in the liver and I'm really glad we never slept together, but... HOUSE: We would have used a condom and I don't have syphilis. My VDRL was negative... CHASE: We did an FDA antibody test. The VDRL was a false negative. [thrilled to bits] You're not going to die! All you need is IV antibiotics! [The Ducklings almost expect House to be jubilant. All House does is stare blankly at them.] HOUSE: [quietly, seriously] Did you send these results to Mass General? CHASE: [gestures happily] Of course. HOUSE: [pissed] You... idiots. [He walks away from the door in exasperation.] FOREMAN: [reasoning] We just told you you're not gonna die. You should be making out with Cameron! [Chase looks annoyed at Foreman for that suggestion.] CAMERON: [unsure] You knew it wasn't cancer? HOUSE: I'm sure it wasn't cancer. CHASE: Then why aren't you celebrating? HOUSE: [turning around, loudly] Because... it wasn't my damn file! CAMERON: [non-plussed] You faked cancer? HOUSE: The real patient is in the Witherspoon Wing. Feel free to tell his wife he's not gonna die, but he is cheating on her. CHASE: Why would you want us to think you...? HOUSE: [exasperated] I didn't!! I wanted the guys at Boston to think that I had cancer. I wanted the guys, who were gonna implant a cool drug right into pleasure centre of my brain, to think that I had cancer! CAMERON: [in disbelief] You faked cancer to get high? [House sighs. The Ducklings look at House in a mixture of astonishment and displeasure.] HOUSE: I'm going to bed. [He starts to move towards his bedroom. Cameron is still in shock. Foreman shakes his head.] FOREMAN: You're right! I don't like you! [leaves] HOUSE: Sure. Now that I'm not dying. [Chase leaves. Cameron, pissed, follows, closing the door behind her.] [House's office. House is at his desk, reading something and playing with his pen. Wilson enters, looking a bit miffed. House impatiently waits for him to start ranting.] WILSON: Heard Patrick's hemispherectomy went well. HOUSE: He survived the surgery. He's unconscious, but... WILSON: How depressed are you?! HOUSE: I'm not depressed. WILSON: You faked... cancer. HOUSE: It was an outpatient procedure. I was curious. WILSON: Are you curious about heroin? HOUSE: Not since last year's Christmas party. Whoof! [b*at] I know thsi goes against your nature, but can we not make too much of this? WILSON: You made people think that you were going to die! HOUSE: [protesting] I didn't make them! I tried to hide it! You idiots needed to get into my business. [Wilson is about to say something, but just starts laughing.] HOUSE: I'm sure I'll regret asking, but why are you laughing? WILSON: It's ironic. HOUSE: I'm sure I'll regret asking, but why...? WILSON: Depression in cancer patients. 'S not as common as you think. It's not the dying that gets to people. It's the dying alone. The patients with family, with friends... they tend to do okay. You don't have cancer. You do have people who give a damn. So what do you do? [laughs again] You fake the cancer, then push the people who care away. HOUSE: Because... they're boring. [looks at Wilson] Go home to your hotel room and laugh at that irony. WILSON: [smiles wrily] Start small, House. Take a chance. Maybe something that doesn't involve sticking stuff in your brain. Pizza with a friend. [points to himself with a bow] A movie. Something. [He leaves. House contemplates Wilson's words.] [Aerial view of PPTH. Day.] [Patrick's room. House shines a light in Patrick's eyes. Patrick's head is bandaged up.] HOUSE: [switching off the penlight] Follow my finger. [He passes his index finger in front of Patrick's face. Patrick follows it correctly.] HOUSE: You know your name? [Patrick doesn't respond.] HOUSE: Speech centre was on the right side. It'll be a while before he's talking. DR. OBYEDKOV: He hasn't really done anything except that... stare off into the distance. HOUSE: [nods] It'll take some time to... [House stops, watching Patrick. Patrick is buttoning up his pajama shirt.] DR. OBYEDKOV: [going to help him] Oh, uh... [House stops him with his cane. Patrick manages to get one button in correctly. He quickly does the others and straightens out the shirt. He looks at them.] DR. OBYEDKOV: [overjoyed] You buttoned your shirt? [Patrick smiles unsurely.] HOUSE: Looks happy. [Camera holds on Patrick.] [Outside. Night. House sullenly walks home. He stops by a restaurant window and sees the Ducklings at a table, talking. A waiter comes up to take their orders. House stops walking, presumably thinking about Wilson's advice. A couple happily walks out of the restaurant, past him. House looks inside and seems to have made a decision. He puts his hand on the doorknob and...]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x15 - Half-Wit"}	foreverdreaming
[We see marines in a truck from the point of view one of the marines in the truck, Get down tonight is playing on the stereo and everyone is singing along.] MARINE 1: Take it sarg, take it. JOHN: Oh I'll take it! Baby babe [Marine 1 laughs, John grabs a torch and uses it as a microphone.] I'll meet you, same place, same time. Where we can, get together, and ease up, our mind. Do a little dance, make a... [Music stops.] Yo yo, turn that back on, turn it back on. MARINE 1: [Pointing at the camera.] Don't look at me cause you know I didn't do it all right? Don't look at me. JOHN: [To Marine 1.] Hey, you better have put fresh batteries in that like I told you to. MARINE 1: I did sarg, all right? The ones you gave me, I did, I put them in. JOHN: Well then ht it or something. Otherwise, [laughing] you're all going to have to listen to me sing! [Big explsin] Son of a bitch! [Truck tips over. John pulls the marine whose point of view we are seeing out of the truck. He is getting dragged along the ground away from the truck. He has lost half of his right leg. He stops being dragged and John comes out in front of him holding a gn.] JOHN: Here. [Hands him the gn.] Don't panic, and don't sht us, don't die. [Ties off his leg.] Got it G? [Runs off.] [Camera changes to aerial view of House as G, lying on his back, with the gn in his hands and half his right leg gone.] [House is awoken from his dream by Cuddy banging on the door to his office. He is lying on that chair of his, holding his cane across his chest like he was holding the gn in the dream, his left leg out stretched on the foot rest, his right leg bent with his foot on the floor. This position makes him look a little like he is missing half his leg.] CUDDY: Up and at em, you're supposed to be in clinic duty. HOUSE: Yeah, like I could sleep down there with all the crying and coughing. CUDDY: [Hands House a file.] Here. Ex-marine. Thinks he has gulf wr syndrome. HOUSE: [Rolls his eyes.] There's no such thing. CUDDY: So he's been told, it hasn't stopped the unexplained fatigue, rashes and joint pain. And just so you know, he's the nephew of a benefactor I owe a favour, so you're going to take this case whether you like it or not. HOUSE: Why wouldn't I want to take the case? [Starts opening the file.] The guy's tired and sore, it's going to be chapter one in my... [Stops mid sentence when he sees the photo of the patient and is shocked when it matches up exactly with the sergeant (John) in his dream.] [Flash back to House's dream.] JOHN: Don't panic, and don't sh*t us, don't die. [Back to House still staring at the picture.] CUDDY: You know him? HOUSE: Never met him before in my life. CUDDY: Ok...Well you're about to. He's on his way here. Get your ass up and get your team together. You've got work to do. [Cuddy leaves. House continues to stare at the photo.] [House in the bathroom, at the urinal, camera shows the mirror on the wall behind him to reveal Wilson one urinal over.] WILSON: That's amazing. HOUSE: No it's not. WILSON: It's not? HOUSE: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, or any other orifice for that matter; under the right circumstances I could bring two women into simultaneous ecstasy. WILSON: The right circumstance being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card. HOUSE: What I absolutely cannot do is dream about someone I've never seen before. WILSON: Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it can't happen. HOUSE: True, it can't happen because it can't happen! WILSON: [Flushes with his elbow.] Well maybe you didn't dream about this guy specifically. HOUSE: Right, just some other guy who looks exactly like him. WILSON: No, you imagined some generic marine then you placed his face in the dream after you saw the picture. [Starts to wash his hands.] Sort of a coincidence mixed with a little d骠 vu. HOUSE: There's no record of him ever coming into the clinic so I must have seen him before somewhere else. WILSON: Fine, you've known him since cub scouts. The more interesting question isn't what you dreamed but why? [House starts washing his hands as well.] I'm guessing you're longing for either a renewed relationship with your dad or a new relationship with one of the Village People. HOUSE: He was in the Navy not the Marines. WILSON: I thought your dad was in the marines? HOUSE: The guy in the Village People. WILSON: Actually he's only in the Navy when they sang, In The Navy. The rest of the time he's just in generic fatigues. [House stares at him.] What? You brought it up! [House starts to walk out.] You didn't flush. HOUSE: I didn't pee. [Cut to House dropping John's file on the table in the Diagnostics office.] HOUSE: Male, 34, just got out of the Marines after 2 years in Iraq. Admitted complaining of chronic fatigue, joint pains, intermittent rashes and sore throats. Thinks he has gulf wr syndrome. CAMERON: Why is he here instead of the VA? HOUSE: Because he has a rich uncle that Cuddy is trying to avoid fellating and doesn't buy the VA's diagnosis of Nothing's-wrong-atosis. [Pops a pill.] FOREMAN: The VA is right, there's no such thing as Gulf wr Syndrome especially in veterans who've never served in the Gulf wr. [House grabs a bottle of water from the fridge but puts it back] CHASE: Different wr, same place. Whatever was there in 1990 is still there. FOREMAN: That can send you home in a pine box but it still can't get you sick 3 months after you've gotten home. CHASE: What, so thousands of soldiers are lying about the symptoms? FOREMAN: You send 700,000 people on a vacation to Hawaii some of them are going to come back sick, doesn't mean it was caused by snorkelling. CAMERON: He's right. Studies all show the same pattern of symptoms in veterans that were sent to the Gulf and those who weren't. [Chase concedes.] FOREMAN: That's it? You believe her but not me? HOUSE: Stick to your gn Chase. Just because there isn't a single unifying symptom doesn't mean there isn't something going on. Could just affect everyone differently. CHASE: You think this guy has Gulf wr Syndrome? [Foreman gets up and gets a coffee] HOUSE: Course not. He's depressed and he's looking for a disability check. Most likely because he's just realised that knowing how to barter for sex in six languages and open a beer bottle with your eye socket are not the most marketable skills. FOREMAN: Why'd you take this case? HOUSE: Because a good scientist continually questions his own theories and assumptions. CAMERON: Cuddy's making him. HOUSE: Now I'm making you. Do a full physical and recheck his blood for HIV, Hep C, Malaria, Schistosomiasis and T strain A. baumannii just to make sure the VA's dotted their I's and find out every hospital and clinic he's ever visited, every city he's ever lived in and... whether he's ever been on TV. [Starts to walk towards his office.] CAMERON: TV? HOUSE: [Turns around.] The problem could be neurological, everyone knows TV rots your brain. [Continues to his office.] [Cut to the ducklings examining John.] JOHN: It's usually the worst on my palms and the bottoms of my feet. I get these, black dots all over. CAMERON: I don't see anything. JOHN: It comes and goes. FOREMAN: You sure it's not just scrapes and bruises? JOHN: I know the difference between a rash and a bruise. CAMERON: Sometimes it's harder than you realise to distinguish between the two. You obviously exercise. JOHN: My problems aren't caused by my workouts. FOREMAN: But you do work out, and by the look of you pretty strenuously. That's not usually the case with patients whose principle complaint is chronic fatigue and joint pain. JOHN: I was in the Marines for 12 years. I'm used to doing PT every day. Just because I can push through the pain doesn't mean it's not there. CHASE: We're not saying we don't believe you. JOHN: The hell you aren't. CHASE: We just need to be specific about what exactly the problems are. JOHN: I sleep 10 hours at night, but I feel tired all the time. I constantly get coughs, rashes, sore throats. My knees and hips feel like someone poured sand in my joints. I get these weird tingling sensations in my leg, sometimes they're cold, other times it feels like my blood is boiling. Specific enough? Look I don't care what you guys call it, Gulf wr Syndrome, Iraq fever or just crappy sickness X. I just want someone to figure out what it is so they can cure it. [Cut to House leading the ducklings through double doors in the corridor, starting a walk and talk.] CAMERON: Except for the supposed pain in his joints none of the other symptoms he's complaining about are currently evident. FOREMAN: Besides low potassium, probably caused by him over hydrating after working out. His blood work's all normal. CHASE: Low potassium could also probably be caused by the experimental vaccines and anti chemical warfare pills he was given before he deployed to Iraq. Not to mention the fact that whole country is littered with hundreds of tons of radioactive shrapnel from depleted uranium munitions. FOREMAN: [Scoffs.] What did you go to medical school in France? There's no trace of uranium in his urine. He was given the vaccines and meds 2 years ago without any allergic or adverse reactions. HOUSE: Has he ever done any modelling? CHASE: We forgot to ask. We should send his urine to the University of Leicester there's a professor there who's developed a more advanced screening technique for uranium. FOREMAN: If the levels are too low for us to detect they're way too low to cause any damage. [House continues walking right past the office.] Where you going? HOUSE: [Turns around.] This way. Did you find out about any television or other media exposure? CAMERON: Do you really care or are you just trying to waste hospital resources to get back at Cuddy for making you take the case? HOUSE: Of course I care, what a horrible thing to say. Do a Lexis-Nexis search and get a copy of his credit report. FOREMAN: Before or after we tell him to eat a banana and discharge him with a psych referral? HOUSE: I say before. And I say in between give him a polysomnogram. Sleep apnea could cause chronic fatigue and paranoia. Find out where he went to summer camp. [Foreman shakes his head, House turns around to start walking off but stops, Cameron moves forward.] CAMERON: Are you ok? HOUSE: Yea just a little too much coffee this morning. CAMERON: Were we... walking you to the bathroom? HOUSE: [Sighs.] I wish. [Cameron gives him a weird look.] Wilson was just in there. These guys know what I'm talking about. [House walks off while Cameron looks confused. Chase and Foreman look at each other and then walk off in the opposite direction to House.] CAMERON: That's his third REM cycle and his breathing is completely normal, there's obviously nothing wrong with his sleep pattern. CHASE: It's not uranium it's got to be some other sort of toxin. CAMERON: Or nothing at all. Do you really think there's something wrong, or do you just want Foreman to be wrong? CHASE: Both. CAMERON: Well, it's not his sleep pattern. If you really think it's a toxin you can do a liver biopsy in the morning. [Gets up to leave.] CHASE: We can't leave, if we don't monitor the whole test House wont accept the results, he'll just make us do it over. CAMERON: It doesn't take two doctors to monitor what's clearly going to be a normal polysomnogram. CHASE: Oh so you want me to stay? CAMERON: You're the one that thought there was something wrong. CHASE: I never said it was a sleep disorder. CAMERON: You want to flip for it? CHASE: [Scoffs.] Just... go. CAMERON: Oh c'mon, don't be a baby. Fine, I'll stay. [Sits back down.] You know what we could do... [Gestures towards an empty room with a bed in it.] CHASE: Here? CAMERON: Why not? We're surrounded by empty rooms with beds in them. CHASE: Yea and video cameras too. CAMERON: So we turn them off. CHASE: Yeah that's all I need is House or Foreman walking in on us. CAMERON: We have the keys. CHASE: [Thinks about it.] No, what if he wakes up? CAMERON: Alright. [Puts her feet on the desk and leans back in the chair.] Suit yourself. [Looks at the screens, Chase looks contemplative.] [Cut to Chase and Cameron coming through the door to the empty room kissing and taking each other clothes off, they stop as they get in front of the video camera. Chase looks at the camera and then walks out of view, presumably to lock the door. Cameron takes off her shirt and covers the camera with it.] [Cut to House standing in front of his toilet at home, trying to pee.] HOUSE: [Hits the wall.] Damn it. [Sighs and chucks the ice pack he was holding into the sink and pulls up his pants, hobbles slowly over to the mirror and grabs a pill bottle. He shakes it and stares at himself in the mirror for a few seconds before popping a pill.] [Cut to Foreman walking into the sleep lab and seeing two empty chairs in front of the monitors, he walks back out, looks right, then left down the corridor, sees no one so walks back in.] JOHN: Hello? Is anybody out there? I think there's a problem in here. [Foreman walks into his room.] FOREMAN: What's wrong? JOHN: What do you mean what's wrong? You don't smell that? FOREMAN: Nothing smells John. JOHN: Are you kidding me? It's disgusting! FOREMAN: How long have you thought... Wait. [Gets out his torch and bends down to look in John's mouth.] Open your mouth [Camera zooms in on John's tongue and we see all the little bacteria growing there, camera goes back to Foreman.] The smells not in the room, its in your mouth. [Chase followed by Cameron walk in.] CHASE: What's going on? FOREMAN: Good question. [Cut to House in the bath wearing glasses and reading a magazine called Chronicling which has a smiling marine on the cover, House looks up to the wall in front of him where the first page of John's file, with his picture on it, is taped. Then goes back to the magazine, flicks through it then puts it on the ground and grabs another one. He grabs the bottle of Vicodin that is sitting on the side of the bath, only one pill left in the bottle, House pops that, then chucks the empty bottle away. Phone rings, House uses his cane to pull the table, with his clothes on it, over to the bath and takes the phone out of his pocket and answers it.] HOUSE: What? CHASE: You were wrong about the nothings-wrong-atosis, you can fake fatigue and joint pain but you can't fake bacterial vaginosis in your mouth. HOUSE: Where's his mouth been? CAMERON: Says he hasn't performed oral sex on anyone for over a year. HOUSE: Selfish bastard. FOREMAN: Because he hasn't been with anyone since his last girlfriend dumped him after he deployed to Iraq the second time. HOUSE: Selfish bitch. [Cameron rolls her eyes.] CHASE: We've ruled out HIV, Diabetes and any other endocrine abnormality. CAMERON: Could be auto immune, Sjogren's decreases salivary flow creates a hospitable home of for bacteria. CHASE: No his eyes and tear ducts are fine. HOUSE: Who was his last girlfriend? FOREMAN: [Sarcastic.] Yea we'll get right on that. Chronic fatigue, joint pain and opportunistic infection spells cancer, probably lymphoma, we should biopsy his tonsillar and submandibular lymph nodes HOUSE: Right about cancer wrong about lymphoma. Unless your simply hiding the fact that his lymph nodes are swollen. Get Wilson to biopsy his salivary glands he's got parotid cancer, and see if you can get to the truth about who he's been dating, there's no way a marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet. CHASE: It's not an STD you just said... HOUSE: Just do it. [Hangs up the phone, goes back to the magazine.] [Cut to Wilson in John's room.] WILSON: The antibiotics should at least relieve the infection, which will reduce the odour and taste in your mouth. JOHN: Not soon enough. [Nurse hands Wilson a needle.] WILSON: All right, you're going to feel a little burn. [Sticks the needle into John's face.] JOHN: You know I never even dipped. Chewing tobacco. Practically everyone in my unit did, but me. I was so paranoid about cancer. WILSON: Well if it's parotid cancer it's very treatable if diagnosed early. [Stops poking John's face and puts the needle down.] JOHN: My Mum had cancer, which is why I know that diagnosing cancer early means before there's any serious symptoms. [Spits a large amount of what looks like pus into a bowl.] Certainly tastes like a pretty serious symptom you know? WILSON: We'll no more after the test. [Grabs a much bigger needle.] [Cut to the ducklings in diagnostics room reading through lots of paper.] CAMERON: If he was just trying to mess with Cuddy for wasting his time this would have stopped as soon as the patient started exhibiting actual symptoms. CHASE: So the question is why is he wasting our time? CAMERON: Or is he wasting our time? CHASE: You think he's got a medical reason for asking for the guys credit report? FOREMAN: I don't. Where were you two when the guy woke up? CHASE: Uhhh... we just... stepped out for a second. FOREMAN: To do what? CHASE: To... get a coffee. We'd been up most of the night. CAMERON: He's just pushing to make sure we get the complete history, obviously we're missing something or we'd have the answer. [Foreman looks suspiciously at Cameron.] FOREMAN: You didn't have any coffee when you came back. CAMERON: All right already, we confess. You caught us, we snuck into one of the sleep lab rooms to have sex, we shouldn't have done it while we were supposed to be working and we're sorry, now can we move on? [Chase looks shocked, Foreman starts laughing.] FOREMAN: House would do Wilson before you'd do Chase. CAMERON: No you would do House AND Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work? CHASE: [Defensive] She did me once! FOREMAN: She was stoned! [Continues laughing.] [Cut to Wilson in the lab looking at something with the microscope. House walks in.] WILSON: Biopsy's inconclusive. I'm going to do a sialogram while we wait for the results from the additional blood work. HOUSE: No hurry. Probably nothing we can do at this point anyway. WILSON: Well if the cancer hasn't spread. HOUSE: He's spitting stink. You should focus on the living. I need a prescription. WILSON: I just wrote you a prescription. HOUSE: For Vicodin, I need alfuzosin. WILSON: No you don't. You figured out where you met your marine? HOUSE: What? Oh that, I haven't really thought about it. I can't pee. WILSON: You can't remember him can you? HOUSE: I can't pee. WILSON: So stop taking the Vicodin. HOUSE: I want to pee and not be in pain. WILSON: Why don't you go to sleep? HOUSE: I don't pee when I'm asleep. WILSON: Maybe you'll dream about him again and maybe he'll give you an address. HOUSE: I haven't peed in three days. WILSON: I read that REM sleep is the brains way of working out problems. HOUSE: Very useful, did you hear what I just said? WILSON: Yea you lied because you want to avoid talking about your obsession. HOUSE: I'm not obsessing. WILSON: Why don't you just ask him? HOUSE: [Yelling.] I haven't peed in three days! WILSON: You'd be dad. HOUSE: I'm not counting intermittent drips. WILSON: You'd be in agony. HOUSE: I passed agony yesterday around 4. [Pops a pill.] [Wilson sighs and starts to write a prescription.] [Aerial sht of PPTH.] [Cut to ducklings still in diagnostics office.] FOREMAN: [Hangs up his phone.] His mother, brother, uncle and best friend all confirm he hasn't had a date in over a year, which means it's not an STD. If you come up with something medically relevant, page me. [Gets up and leaves.] [Chase stares at Cameron.] CAMERON: What did you want me to tell him? The truth? CHASE: No. You didn't have to be so convincing. CAMERON: [Smiles.] Don't worry. I'll make it up to you. CHASE: This is getting out of control. CAMERON: Don't pout. CHASE: Our patient woke up with an infection while we were getting our rocks off. CAMERON: [Leans in closer to Chase.] Do you want to stop? CHASE: No. But I don't want to get caught either. CAMERON: You think I do? CHASE: You certainly didn't go out of your way to keep the volume down while we were in the sleep lab. CAMERON: [Smiles.] I couldn't help that... Why would I want to get caught? CHASE: Maybe you want to give House a reason to be jealous? CAMERON: I'm over House. All this is, is uncomplicated sex, don't try to make it more than that. CHASE: We're not doing it at work anymore. CAMERON: Fine. [Leans back, puts her glasses back on and starts reading one of the sheets of paper on the table. Chase sighs. Cameron looks back at Chase.] Want to go grab some lunch? [Cut to House in the clinic.] WOMAN: [Takes a drink of water from her bottle and starts tipping it from side to side, making a swishing noise, much to House's dismay.] I think the pill is the way to go, we haven't had a condom break yet thank god, but its bound to happen. Especially the way we've been doing it. HOUSE: On a bed of nails? WOMAN: No he's not kinky. He's just insatiable. I can barely make it to any of my morning classes. HOUSE: [Takes a deep breath.] You smoke? WOMAN: No way. HOUSE: [Yelling.] Stop it! [Woman jumps and stops moving the bottle.] WOMAN: [Quietly.] Sorry. HOUSE: Any history of hypertension? Blood clots? Strokes? WOMAN: Nope. Besides my OCD I'm fit as a fiddle. [Takes a drink of water.] HOUSE: You have OCD. WOMAN: Duh. Can't you tell? HOUSE: Any other compulsions besides drinking massive amounts of water? WOMAN: No. That's it thank god. My therapist says it could be a lot worse. HOUSE: You get up in the middle of the night to drink? WOMAN: Yeah, every couple of hours. HOUSE: Then your therapist is an idiot. Unconscious people don't have OCD. They can however have diabetes insipidus. WOMAN: That's impossible. I eat candy all the time. HOUSE: Different kind of diabetes. This kind is cause by a banged up pituitary. You're obviously more of a lover than a fighter I'm guessing either a car accident or... you cracked your skull on the balance beam. WOMAN: [Amazed.] How'd you know? HOUSE: Easy, nice ass, no boobs, you got palms like a long shore man. Wait here, you need a CAT scan. WOMAN: Oh my god. HOUSE: Don't worry, just means you'll be taking two hormone supplements instead of one. [House leaves, Woman drinks more water.] [Cut to Wilson performing the sialogram on John, Music is playing quietly in the room.] WILSON: Ok, this time you're going to feel a little pressure, I'm inserting the contrast material. JOHN: Could you turn up the music? WILSON: Sure. [Nods to the nurse who turns it up.] Looks pretty good so far. JOHN: Still can't hear it that well. [Wilson nods to the nurse who turns it up again.] WILSON: Can you hear it now? John? [Starts to yell.] John? John can you hear me? [Gets no reaction.] [Cut to House sitting on the chair in his office, Wilson walks in.] WILSON: Still no... relief? HOUSE: I got relief. I just got no pee. [Pops a pill.] WILSON: If the pills didn't work you may need a catheter. HOUSE: You didn't come here to talk to me about my pee, what's going on? WILSON: [Pulls out the CT scan and puts it on the light board.] He's got cancer all right, but it's not in his salivary glands, it's in his brain. [House gets up and walks over to look at the scans.] And it's bad, at least 6 tumours, maybe more. He lost his hearing, his sight's probably next. HOUSE: Death is probably next. [Cut to House, Wilson and Foreman in radiology looking at John's scans.] HOUSE: No way he could've grown all these in a week. FOREMAN: Any older, VA couldn't have missed all these. WILSON: Maybe they didn't miss them, just mixed them up. Switched his films with another patients by mistake. HOUSE: Maybe, but it means some poor sap's getting his melon sliced in the VA for no reason. WILSON: This poor sergeant is going to be dad by the end of the week. [Cameron and Chase walk in.] HOUSE: Where have you two been? CAMERON: Lunch. Why, what happened? HOUSE: Wilson's found some fast growing, illusive, or magic brain tumours. What did you find? CAMERON: Nothing, he's telling the truth. WILSON: About what? CHASE: About everything. Where he's lived, who he's dated, besides forgetting to mention his dad's shin splints, his granddad's nosebleeds and to return a few rented DVD's, everything he's told us has checked out. WILSON: [Loudly.] You have them researching your dream? HOUSE: Nope. I have them researching my patient. CAMERON: You had a dream about a patient? WILSON: This poor guys brain is riddled with tumours and you're checking his credit report? [To the ducklings.] C'mon, I need you guys. [Starts to walk out, ducklings follow.] HOUSE: Where you going? WILSON: To do my job. HOUSE: He's not your patient. WILSON: He is now. Go home and go to sleep, maybe you'll dream the cure to late stage brain cancer. [Cut to House watching John being prepped for surgery from the observation deck.] [Cuddy walks in.] CUDDY: How is he? HOUSE: He's dad. CUDDY: [Shocked.] Oh god. HOUSE: Least he will be in a few days. Question is why? The only explanation is that the VA hospital screwed up. CUDDY: There was definitely no mix up I had them recheck. HOUSE: Yes, why would a government agency lie to cover up a mistake? Might've caused the death of a guy they've been trying to kll for the last two years anyway. CUDDY: They didn't lie [House pops a pill and then a second.] Did you just take two Vicodin? HOUSE: No, it was an antidepressant, I was told to take two every time you walked into the room. CUDDY: [Sighs and hands House a scan.] The VA scan of his brain. No tumours. HOUSE: Yes this has proved positive that someone didn't have tumours in his brain. CUDDY: You see that bright spot below his left orbit. That is the titanium pin your patient had inserted 20 years ago. Unless you think the VA happened to mix up his scans with someone who had the exact same pin, they didn't screw up. [Cut to House going through urine samples in the lab. Cameron and Chase walk in.] CAMERON: You paged us? HOUSE: Why didn't you send his urine to Leicester like I told you? CHASE: Because you told me not to. HOUSE: Why did you choose that moment to listen to me? CHASE: You think depleted uranium might have something to do with his tumours? HOUSE: Radiation's the only thing that will make tumours grow that fast. CAMERON: High doses of radiation. Even if he ate depleted uranium bllts for breakfast he still would have been exposed to less radiation than we've given him in the last two days. HOUSE: Do it anyway. [Chase goes to grab the right urine sample.] [To Cameron.] And you, call his uncle back, find out if he ever brought his nephew to any hospital parties or fundraisers. CAMERON: No. Not until you give me a reason. HOUSE: Because... I'm your boss. CAMERON: A rational reason. Or at least admit that you don't have one. HOUSE: I've got a full bladder and I'm not afraid to use it. CAMERON: But you are apparently afraid of discovering something that you can't rationally explain... HOUSE: [Cuts her off.] SHUT UP! Do what you're told. Cuddy and Wilson may not have to listen to me but you do. [Leaves.] CAMERON: What the hell was that all about? CHASE: I don't care. Which is why I didn't feel the need to ask him 8 personal questions. CAMERON: I'm over him. CHASE: Just making an observation. [Cut to Foreman about to drill into John's head, Wilson watching.] WILSON: All right, ready whenever you are. FOREMAN: I'm ready. [Starts the drill, looks up the screen and notices something, stops the drill.] Wait a minute. Zoom in. [Nurse zooms the scan in.] I don't see it. You sure you got the right coordinates? WILSON: Yea she's in the right place. Go 10 millimetres above the ACPC line on the Z-axis. NURSE: 10 mil above ACPC on Z. FOREMAN: It's not there anymore. WILSON: Are you sure you got the gantry angle right? NURSE: Yeah I'm sure. FOREMAN: It's not there. [Foreman and Wilson look at each other.] [Cut to outside the OR. Foreman and Wilson are telling House and Cuddy.] FOREMAN: It disappeared. CUDDY: 6 tumours don't just disappear. HOUSE: Unless they were never there to begin with. CUDDY: The VA didn't screw up. HOUSE: Maybe someone else did. Maybe it was Dr. Self-Righteous. WILSON: I saw the tumours. There was no mix up. CUDDY: Maybe there's something wrong with the portable imager in the OR. FOREMAN: Something that would cause it to show brain tissue in perfect detail but completely miss neoplastic tissue? HOUSE: Then they were never tumours to begin with. WILSON: I told you I saw... HOUSE: No you saw something that looked like tumours. We all did. We were all wrong. Well maybe he doesn't have cancer maybe he has a brain infection that's causing multiple abscesses. CUDDY: That miraculously healed? HOUSE: No, they were healed by the antibiotics we're giving him for the vaginosis in his mouth. CUDDY: If it's an infection why didn't it show up in his blood work? HOUSE: I don't know. Yet. [Nurse comes out of the OR.] NURSE: Dr. Wilson, we have a problem. [Wilson goes into the OR, followed by Foreman. John is awake and panicking but still has his head clamped to the table.] JOHN: What did you do? I can't feel my legs. I can't feel my legs! What did you guys do? [House walks in.] WILSON: John, John, calm down. We didn't even operate. [To the nurse.] Would this be a usual effect? JOHN: I can't feel my legs! NURSE: It's not the anaesthesia. HOUSE: John, John! We're going to figure out what's wrong with you, but first we need to know one thing. Have you ever appeared in any prn? [Cut to Diagnostics office, House is going through the whiteboard full of symptoms.] HOUSE: Chronic fatigue, sore throats, rashes, putrid discharge of the mouth, multiple abscesses in the brain, hearing loss and last but not least lower limb paralysis. He's certainly given us plenty of clues. CAMERON: It's got to be some sort of infection. HOUSE: That's miraculously improving in his brain but getting worse in his ears and legs? WILSON: Could be an infection and cancer. Neoplastic syndrome could depress his immune system and cause the other symptoms. HOUSE: Mm-hmm. You're basing this theory on the negative biopsy, the lymph nodes that aren't swollen or the tumours that were never there to begin with? WILSON: And what are you going to base your theory on? His favourite restaurants? [Chase walks in.] CHASE: I was right. He's excreting depleted uranium in his urine. We should start him on an IV infusion of isotonic sodium bicarbonates. HOUSE: It's not depleted uranium. CHASE: You're the one... HOUSE: Who asked for the test when we were thinking cancer, we no longer are. CHASE: Depleted uranium doesn't just cause cells to mutate it can cause cell death as well. HOUSE: Not spinal cord cells. At least not until the dose is high enough to kll all his other cells first. FOREMAN: So you're saying the radioactive uranium in his urine is irrelevant? HOUSE: [Sighs.] The sun is radioactive, the earth is radioactive, this hospital is filled with radiation. The issue is not where it is but how much there is, and what damage that amount could cause inside someone's spinal cord, as I've already stated quite clearly... WILSON: Got it, we're all idiots, what's your theory? HOUSE: Give me your keys. WILSON: Why? HOUSE: You ever tried riding a motorcycle with a distended bladder? [Wilson throws his keys to House.] Keep him on antibiotics, check his hearing and paralysis every hour. [Starts to leave.] FOREMAN: So you basically want us to do nothing? HOUSE: No... I basically want to do nothing. I want you to keep him on antibiotics and check his hearing and paralysis every hour. [Continues leaving.] WILSON: Wait, you can't go home now. HOUSE: Actually I have to go home now. It's two days passed my bedtime. WILSON: House he needs your help. HOUSE: And I need sleep. Hey it's the brains way of working out problems that the conscious mind can't solve during the day remember? [Leaves.] [Aerial sht of PPTH at night.] [Cut to Foreman sticking a pin in John's leg, while Cameron checks his IV and Chase writes 'NOW?' on a mini whiteboard.] JOHN: [Shakes his head.] No, nothing. [Sighs.] I'm going to die, aren't I? [Chase writes 'We're doing all we can' on the whiteboard but Foreman stops him from showing it to John.] FOREMAN: No, we're not. We should start treatment for the uranium toxicity like you said. CAMERON: But House... FOREMAN: Isn't here. [We see the ducklings talking silently from John's point of view, Foreman says something but neither we, nor John can hear it.] CHASE: If House wanted to be involved in the case... [Again from John's point of view so we don't hear the end of the sentence.] CAMERON: If he wanted us to start this treatment he would have told us to the last time you brought it up. FOREMAN: You have a better idea? CAMERON: No. FOREMAN: Then we're going with Chase's. [Slaps Chase on the arm and walks out, Chase follows.] [Cameron writes 'We have an idea' on the whiteboard and shows John.] [Cut to House entering his house.] [He throws his keys on his desk, puts a paper bag down on it and takes off his jacket, leaves his cane, grabs the bag and limps down the hallway.] [Cut to House sitting on the toilet. He takes out the catheter from the box and drops the box on the floor, grabs a syringe and squeezes gel onto the end of the catheter tube. Drops the syringe on the floor and pops a Vicodin. He then proceeds to insert the catheter into himself. He then breathes a sigh of relief as urine starts to fill the bag.] [Cut to House limping into his bedroom, catheter still in, he gets in bed and leaves the bag on the floor. Looks at the clock 8:22 pm.] [Aerial of PPTH, still night.] [Cut to Foreman fiddling with the IV bags.] FOREMAN: Tell him not to get the lines tangled. The infusion is slow we cant have any kinks in the lines. CHASE: [Taps Foreman on the shoulder and shows him the whiteboard on which Chase has already written 'Don't tangle the lines'.] I went to medical school too. [Shows John the board, John nods.] FOREMAN: Keep your arms on your body, above your heart. [Puts his arms over his chest to show John what he means.] JOHN: [Nods and copies, then starts feeling around his stomach.] I can't feel my stomach. [Foreman sticks a pin in John's stomach.] I don't feel that. [Starts to panic.] I don't feel anything. FOREMAN: The paralysis is ascending, if it keeps going were going to need a respirator. JOHN: What? What are you saying? CHASE: Can you breathe? [Writes 'Trouble breathing?' on the whiteboard and shows John.] JOHN: No. Not yet. [Cut to House lying awake in bed, he looks at the clock, 12:31am. sht of the clock ticking through the minutes, 12:38, 12:39, 12:40, 12:41, sht of House rolling around in bed awake. 1:17, 1:18, 1:19, another sht of House lying awake in bed, this time from the other side of the room. 2:50, 2:51, still awake, rubs his head and face. 4:08, 4:09, getting frustrated, tossing and turning, puts the covers on.] [It's light. House is lying on his back, awake, has given up, and looks at the clock, 6:06am. Resigned to the fact that he has to go back to work, he gets up.] [Aerial of PPTH, day.] [Cut to Foreman and Chase sleeping on the couch in the staff lounge, camera pans around to reveal House standing there holding the TV remote. He turns on the TV, Chase and Foreman are jolted awake.] HOUSE: So, where were we? FOREMAN: You have a nice night? HOUSE: No. [Gets rid of the remote and walks out.] [Cut to Diagnostics office, the Ducklings are sitting at the table, which is covered in paper and files. House is pacing back and forth.] CAMERON: The paralysis is ascending. Last check it was nearly to his diaphragm. HOUSE: Tells us something. FOREMAN: Means its getting worse. HOUSE: Worse is something. CHASE: Actually it tells us it's not the uranium. HOUSE: Did we think it was? FOREMAN: We started him on sodium bicarb to try and flush the uranium out of his system. HOUSE: Great, now the fact that he's getting worse tells us nothing. Never thought it was uranium. For all we know uranium treatment is what's making him... FOREMAN: Sodium bicarb infusion wouldn't have any effect on... HOUSE: On what? Kind of hard to say what it would have an effect on if you have no idea what's there to affect. FOREMAN: We had to do something. HOUSE: Well next time, go with something that has a chance of working. CAMERON: Like what? Did you come up with some brilliant idea while you were warm and cosy in your bed at home? HOUSE: We need more information. FOREMAN: How much more information could you possible want? We have a medical history going all the way back to his great grand parents. A non-medical history going... HOUSE: It's not enough. CHASE: It's all we're going to get. [All three ducklings beepers go off.] HOUSE: Want to bet? [Cut to Cuddy in John's room reading through his file, House walks in followed by the ducklings.] CUDDY: Who approved a sodium bicarb infusion? HOUSE: Don't look at me, I was home in bed. CHASE: What's wrong? CUDDY: He's unconscious, his skin has lost all colour and his BP and hematocrit are plunging. FOREMAN: He was only on the sodium bicarb... HOUSE: He's bleeding out. CAMERON: He can't be bleeding out there's no blood in the bed. HOUSE: Fine, he's bleeding in. CHASE: There's no sign of bruising or internal haemorrhaging. FOREMAN: The paralysis must have reached his diaphragm he's not able to oxygenate his blood. HOUSE: He's not able to oxygenate his blood because he doesn't have any left. [Starts to put down Johns bed.] CHASE: There's no evidence... HOUSE: The only thing that would explain... CAMERON: There's no reason for blood loss. HOUSE: There has to be a reason, he needs a transfusion. Get me four units of O negative stat! Now lets elevate his feet. [Pulls John's pillow out from under his head.] CUDDY: He doesn't need a transfusion. HOUSE: Nobody asked you. [Puts the pillow under John's feet.] In fact why are you even here? CUDDY: Because obviously you need my help. HOUSE: Get out. CHASE: House. [Starts to walk over to House's side of the bed.] His blood obviously didn't just vanish... [Slips over, and notices a yellow liquid on the floor, puts his fingers in it.] What the hell is this? HOUSE: [Looks down.] Somebody must have spilled something. [Goes back to what he was doing.] Somebody else should be getting me four units of O negative stat. CHASE: [Still on the ground, notices the liquid is coming from houses leg, lifts up House's jeans to reveal a catheter bag with a rip in it leaking large amounts of urine onto the floor.] What the hell is that? HOUSE: It's a urine catheter collection bag with a rip in it, what hell's it look like? [Chase stands up, the bag continues to leak urine all over the floor, everyone stares at House.] HOUSE: What? [More and more urine pours out of the bag.] It's just urine. It's sterile. No ones getting me blood! [House's nose starts bleeding.] Why isn't anybody getting me blood? FOREMAN: You're bleeding. [House wipes his nose.] CUDDY: House are you all right? HOUSE: Why are you even here? [The view of cuddy gets wider and skinnier like she's walking in front of a fun house mirror and she sounds like she's miles away.] CUDDY: I'm always here. HOUSE: No you're not. There got to be a reason. There has to be. [House closes his eyes, there's a quick sht of each of the ducklings, then Cuddy who smiles, then John who opens his eyes and starts laughing manically.] [Cut to House, waking up, still in his bed. He looks down to see that the catheter has come out and he's peed his bed. Then he lies back and smiles.] [Aerial of PPTH. Day.] [Cut to Foreman and Chase sleeping on the couch in the staff lounge, camera pans around to reveal house standing there holding the TV remote. He turns on the TV, Chase and Foreman are jolted awake.] HOUSE: So, where were we? FOREMAN: You have a nice night? HOUSE: Yes I did thank you. I'm guessing better than our patient. Probably due to his BP and hematocrit plunging. [Throws the remote to Foreman.] FOREMAN: How'd you know? [House walks out.] [Cut to House looking into John's nose, camera zooms in so we can see the scarring.] HOUSE: The answer was staring right at us the whole time, as plain as the nose on our faces, or the nose on his face. JOHN: What's going on, what'd he say? HOUSE: No hairs and cauterisation scars. CHASE: [Confused.] Which means? HOUSE: He had it cauterised. CAMERON: How could you know that? HOUSE: Because it makes sense, undoubtedly done to stop the same childhood nosebleeds that plagued his grandfather, undoubtedly because they were both born with Hereditary Hemorrhagic Telangiectasia. JOHN: What's he saying? HOUSE: I'm saying you got a genetic disease that is destroying your capillaries. CAMERON: That no one in his family has ever been diagnosed with before? HOUSE: Not surprising, since the most common initial symptoms, skin rashes and nosebleeds, are often written off as the result of minor trauma or dry weather. But they can also be the result of his arteries and veins merging together. He obviously has AVM's. [Camera takes a trip through John's chest showing what House is explaining.] An AVM near his spine caused the paralysis. AVM in his lungs prevented his blood from being filtered. Dirty blood caused the joint pain, fatigue and the infections in his mouth and brain. Nothing that a few surgeries won't clear up. Get MR angiograms of the aforementioned. The Marines weren't hiding anything, he was, or at least he forgot to mention his bloody tissue issue. [House leaves.] JOHN: What's going on, what'd he say? [Cut to House at the urinal singing, Wilson walks in.] WILSON: Oh, looks like solving the case, solved your other problem. HOUSE: There is no medicine like happiness, except maybe laughter, or rubber tubes shoved up your urethra. WILSON: You cathed yourself? HOUSE: It's actually not that bad after the first... I don't know, 9 or 10 inches. Cath relieved the spasm. I'm as good as new. WILSON: Of course, just a minor spasm in a muscle you've been using multiple times a day without any problem for the past 45 years. Not a major side effect caused by the overuse of a particular narcotic painkiller. HOUSE: [Flushes.] Yeah that was my thought too. [Walks over to wash his hands.] WILSON: [Flushes with his elbow.] So, no reason to think about cutting back on your use of that particular pill. HOUSE: Thank god. Actually it was a triple dose of the good stuff that allowed me to finally get some sleep and solve the case. The pills made all my dreams come true. WILSON: You really got the answer in your sleep? HOUSE: I got one in my sleep, the other one I got in the shower. [Walks out.] [Cut to Cuddy walking out of a patient's room, House is waiting for her.] HOUSE: I've been thinking about you. You lied. CUDDY: I didn't lie, I simply chose not to share completely irrelevant facts. HOUSE: Like the fact that you lied. No wonder I couldn't place his face. You were practically swallowing it on the dance floor. CUDDY: I was not. HOUSE: Talk about the cool uncle, he donates the money while the nephew gets the write off. Of course by write off I mean he gets to put your ankles... CUDDY: [Puts her hand on his chest to stop House talking.] This is exactly why I didn't mention our one date over two years ago. HOUSE: Because of my t-shirt? CUDDY: [Drags House away from the nurses station.] Because you are an obnoxious ass. Because you would've spent the whole time... HOUSE: That's very smart, because this way I spent my whole time completely focused on the patient. CUDDY: How did you even remember him? We were only at that party for like 10 minutes. HOUSE: What is this some new health plan? You service the Dean of Medicine and you get free health care for a year? [Cuddy smiles.] Why are you smiling? CUDDY: You remembered him because he made out with me. HOUSE: I'm good with faces. So this plan, is it open to anyone? Is there a co-pay? CUDDY: You're lousy with faces. HOUSE: Don't make this about me, this is your humiliation. So how much for private room coverage? CUDDY: [Still smiling.] Get over me. [Starts to walk away.] HOUSE: Oh give me a break. You hired me... CUDDY: Because you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank so I got you cheap. HOUSE: You gave me everything I asked for because one night I gave you everything you... CUDDY: Stop staring at my ass when you think I'm not looking, showing up at restaurants where I happen to be on a date and fantasising about me in the shower. That ship sailed long ago House. Get over it. [Walks away.] HOUSE: If your still referring to you ass I think that super t*nk sailed would be a more precise metaphor. [Cuddy turns around laughs and then keeps walking out.] [House smiles.] [Cut to House wiping off the whiteboard. He looks at the table full of paper.] [Cut to Cameron and Chase kissing and undressing each other in some closet, House opens the door, turns the light on and walks in.] HOUSE: Sorry, looking for an extra large trash can. [Dumps the files and paper in the bin and walks out shutting the door behind him.] CHASE: Since when does he clean anything up? [Cut to House walking back to his office, he smiles as he opens the door and walks in.] [Camera stays on the sign on the door that says Gregory House, MD. Department of Diagnostic Medicine.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x16 - Top Secret"}	foreverdreaming
[Setting is an industrial-type loft. Loud music in the background. The wooden gate on the freight elevator is pulled up and Emma enters.] Emma: Hey. [She removes her shoulder bag and hands it off as she walks through the room.] Tyson Ritter: You got this whole thing wrong, Em. It’s the rock star that’s supposed to be late, not the rock star photographer. Emma: Sorry. Morning sickness. Touch the belly. Tyson: It’s the first time I’ve been asked to do that. Emma: Come on. It’s good luck. [As he does a two-handed feel of her very pregnant belly in several positions, Emma calls to assistants.] Tyson: Mmm. Ooh Emma: Get the keynotes behind the drop. [Lights come on in back. Guitar is slung over Tyson’s back.] So, what do you think? [He looks behind him at the set. It is a wall of an old-fashioned schoolhouse, very Norman Rockwell. There is a green chalkboard with “The All-American Rejects” heavily chalked on it.] Tyson: Uh, I think people aren’t going to get it. Emma: Come on. All-American Rejects. Juxtaposing a classic image of Americana with modern pop culture. You. Tyson: Oh, yeah. Everyone loves a good juxtaposition. My fans were born in the 90s. Emma: You know what? You do this picture, you’ll gain forty years of fans. Tyson: Yeah? Emma: Yeah. Tyson: Love the Rockwell thing. Emma: I thought so. Okay. kll the house lights. Let’s go. [She starts taking pictures.] Hang on. Hey. Who’s in charge of the backdrop? Naomi! Naomi: Yeah? Tyson: [looks behind him] What’s wrong with it? Emma: Uh, well the words are completely jumbled. [He looks again.] What? You can read that? Tyson: Of course. You okay? Emma: No. Oh, God. [She puts camera down and the background music stops.] I could be having a… a… What’s the mnemonic? Uh… F. F is for face. Is my smile crooked? [She smiles at Tyson. Her lower lip is drooping on the left side.] Tyson: What are you doing? Emma: A. A is for arms. Arms. [She puts her arms in front of her. One tilts up, the other down and she starts leaning backwards.] Tyson: You should really sit down. Can somebody get her some water. [His voice has a bit of an echo. As the scene goes on, the echo gets louder.] Emma: S. S is speech. I’m slurring. I’m slurring? Huh. Oh! [Tyson puts down guitar and turns back to Emma.] Oh. F-A-S-T. T is time. Hurry, somebody, uh. Call 911. Tell them I’m having a stroke. [She falls flat on her back and lays there. Everyone rushes around her.] [Cut to Emma’s hospital room. House is standing in doorway. He inhales loudly.] House: Hi. I’m Dr. House. My boss says you’re important. [Slides door closed.] Emma: Oh. House: Personally I don’t get what’s so hard about making Scarlett Johansson look pretty. Arms out in front of you. [She does so while he gets an otoscope out of a drawer on the other side of the room.] With your palms up, like you’re holding a pizza. Close your eyes. Emma: It’s so easy, you should consider a career change. Probably make a lot more money. [With her eyes closed, her right hand starts turning inward.] House: Dr. Mackman tell you the clot was clear? Emma: Yes. House: And he said you and the fetus are fine. Emma: Yeah. House: He didn’t mention your pronator drift. Emma: What’s that mean? House: It means Mackman is an idiot. [He sighs and gestures to the side of the bed.] May I? Emma: Yeah. [He moves her camera out of the way so he can sit on the bed.] House: So. You take thousands of photos of someone but only one has to look good. Kind of the opposite of my business. [He is checking her eyes while they talk.] Emma: It’s not about looking good. People are always hiding things. I just keep shting until I can see what’s really inside them. My eyes okay? House: Eyes are gorgeous. Vessels don’t look so hot. Micro-aneurysms predict further strokes. Emma: This is going to happen again? House: Unless I can figure out the underlying cause. Puff up your cheeks. [She does and he taps them. They deflate with a slight popping sound.] You should be able to keep the air in. It means there’s weakness around the mouth. So, where’d you learn to self-diagnose a stroke? Emma: Oh, my uh… baby’s biological father is a neurologist. He once told me the FAST mnemonic could save my life one day so – House: Interesting pet name. Most people go with “husband” or “pookie.” Emma: He’s gay. Just a sperm donor. So when you – House: You turned him for a night? Just straight for one date? Emma: Okay. He took a magazine and a cup into my bathroom. House: A man after my own heart. Different magazine, obviously. [Emma smiles.] I’m rescinding Mackman’s discharge order. My lackeys will be in to do some more tests, take some more blood and empty your catheter bag. [She has started taking pictures of him. He glowers slightly.] Not a moment you’ll want to cherish. [He holds up catheter bag which contains a dark red liquid. She stares.] [Cut to three fellows studying something.] Foreman: This is… definitely different. [We see they are staring at a black & white, 8x10 glossy photo of House clipped on a light board.] Chase: It looks almost like – Cameron: He’s caring. [House enters, walks to picture and pulls it down.] House: Find anything else in the patient’s folder? Like a diagnosis? Foreman: Urinalysis revealed excessive protein and red blood cells. Chem panel showed a creatinine level over 2.5. House: So first she strokes, now her kidneys are shutting down. Why? Chase: Ultrasound showed no tumors or stones, no signs of fetal distress, no urinary tract obstructions. Cameron: BP is fine. No preeclampsia. House: Any of you guys ever been to the Galapagos? Foreman: Was our patient there? Dengue fever, avian pox. Even West Nile. House: No. I’m looking for a vacation spot. Chase: That mean we get vacation? House: How would that differ from your current status? Cameron: You’re going to do what? Relax? House: Visiting family. My uncle’s a giant turtle. Cameron: What if the kidney failure came first? Kidneys could have caused the stroke, not the other way around. House: Kidneys don’t often get stuck in the brain. Cameron: I’m saying it threw a clot. Early symptoms of kidney failure are nausea, vomiting, swelling. She could have mistaken it for morning sickness. House: Heart’s way more likely to throw a clot than the kidney. Cameron: Echo’s normal. The history indicates no sign of cardiac problems. House: No, but if one were to read the history closely, one would have noticed that she had six cases of strep. Foreman: In her throat. That’s the one about 10 inches above the heart. House: Let me rephrase. Six cases of untreated strep. Cameron: She was prescribed antibiotics. House: No one takes them all. They stop when they start feeling better. All strep is untreated strep. What happens when strep goes untreated? Chase: It leads to rheumatic fever. House: Which leads to, Cameron? Cameron: Mitral valve stenosis. House: Which is a thickening in the valve of the…kidney? No. The kidney doesn’t have a mitral valve. Foreman: We’ll go look at the heart. [The fellows start to leave. House calls after them.] House: It’ll be easy to find. It’s the big, red pumping thing about ten inches below her throat. [Cut to MRI room. Emma is on the table, Chase and Cameron sit behind the computer screens.] Cameron: That was weird. Chase: He was the way he always is. Cameron: Which is weird. [Into microphone] Stay still, Emma. Emma: Sorry. Cameron: No problem. [She click microphone off.] He caught us with your hand up my shirt. He’s gotta have a reaction to that. You think that’s what the vacation is? Chase: Yes. The pain of losing you is obviously forcing him away. Coronal slice appears normal. Cameron: There’s no way House just lets this slide. He’s gotta be planning something. Chase: Maybe he just doesn’t give a crap. Sagittal slice is clean. Cameron: You think he just stumbled into that closet? He knew we were there. And he wanted us to know that he knew. Chase: Or, you wanted him to know. Now he does and you’re annoyed because he doesn’t care. [He double clicks a computer key.] Right there. Transaxial slice. Calcified mitral valve. Cameron: Barely. That’s not big enough to throw a clot. Chase: Obviously it is because it did. House was right. [Cut to treatment room. Cameron and Chase are wearing blue lead aprons and are setting up a procedure. Emma is on the table.] Chase: The valve in your heart is narrowed. It caused the clot which led to your stroke and the reduced circulation caused the problems with your kidneys. Emma: And this’ll fix it? Cameron: The balloon will force the valve back open and you’ll be fine. [Cuddy quietly slides open the door.] Emma: Can I do this without a sedative. Chase: It’s really very mild. There really is no risk to the fetus. Cuddy: We’ll monitor the baby’s heart rate separately. We won’t allow it to decrease anywhere near dangerous levels. {She turns on second monitor which shows a heart rate of 208.] Emma: Thank you. Cuddy: You’re both going to be fine. Go ahead, Dr. Cameron. Emma: [As Cameron injects dye into shunt.] Listen to that heartbeat… Sounds so – Cuddy: Start threading the catheter. [As Chase inserts the catheter, cut to CGI of catheter pushing things open.] [Cut to House’s office. He is standing behind his desk, on the phone.] House: I don’t want a layover in Frankfurt, Taipei, Singapore or London, Ontario. That’s why I asked for a direct flight to Phnom Penh. [To fellows who have entered] How hard is it to not land? [Back to phone] Does it matter what I answer? Well then, fine, I’d be delighted to hold. [Back to fellows] What’s new? Cameron: Can you tell Cuddy to stop interfering? House: It’s her job. What’s new? Chase: The good news is Emma’s heart is fixed. The bad news is it’s not her underlying problem. Her kidneys are still failing. Foreman: You’re vacationing in Cambodia? You’re going to unwind in the klling fields? House: Nope. Gonna catch me a fish this big. [He holds his arms very wide.] Mekong giant catfish weighs over 600 pounds. Foreman: Aren’t those catfish critically endangered? House: That’s why it’s my last chance to catch one. [He puts phone on speaker and replaces it in cradle. “All of our operators are currently…”] If the mitral valve had been fixed, the kidneys should be getting better which leads us to the conclusion that you screwed up the procedure. Cameron: Or you screwed up the diagnosis. Mitral valve thickening was so insignificant it probably wasn’t the cause of the kidneys or the stroke. Probably never would have been a problem. Foreman: She needs dialysis. And we need a new theory. Chase: There are only a few possibilities. Patient’s pregnant. It could be preeclampsia. We eliminated it before because – House: Check for proteinuria and low platelets. What else? Cameron: Hypoperfusion. The fetus is basically a parasite, stealing nutrients, minerals, blood. House: Put her on telemetry. Foreman: Or the pregnancy’s irrelevant. Could be infection, sepsis, HUS/TTP – Chase: A cholesterol embolism is just as likely. Tiny particles of cholesterol rain down, clog up the small vessels in the kidneys. House: Get a smear and ultrasound her vessels for plaque. Cameron: That’s it, has to be one of those five. House: You know what would be even better? If we could narrow it all the way down to one. [They fellows leave in unison.] Phone: Thank you for holding. [House grabs receiver.] We are experiencing extremely high call volume. Thank you for your patience. [House hangs up.] [Cut to CGI of Emma’s blood.] Cameron: [Looking up from microscope and turning to the others.] She’s 0 for 5. House: Either the differential was wrong or she’s faking it. Chase: Kidney failure has to be precipitated by – Foreman: By one of the five we’ve already ruled out. Chase: The body only has so many ways of screwing with the kidneys. The labs must be wrong. Foreman: We did the labs. No one else had access. House: That’s not quite true. [He exits.] [Cut to House entering Emma’s room.] Emma: [Through oxygen mask] You put all your patients through this many tests or just the important ones? House: [Bending down and picking up a piece of clothing from the floor] We wanted to explore all the possibilities. Emma: And? House: We’ve eliminated all the possibilities. Emma: You’re telling me I’m dying and you have no idea why? House: Your body is functioning properly. Emma: So why are my kidneys failing? House: The other body isn’t. There’s something wrong with the fetus. [Emma looks at him and tightens her mouth.] [Emma lies on her bed as House begins to talk in voice over. Cut to Diagnostics Office.] House: Welcome to the world of maternal mirror syndrome. [As he pulls back to underline it, we see that he has written RORRIM except the Rs are reversed too.] Mom’s body is like an intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time. When she gets pregnant, it’s like a new station opening in Dusseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things, bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks, get electrocuted. Before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you’ve got a bunch of angry Germans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain’t good for the Jews. Chase: Who are the Jews in this metaphor? House: A few things can happen to a fetus in distress. It can become a miscarriage, stillbirth, very sick baby or, on rare occasion, a time bmb that kills mom while it’s dying. The good news is, we fix the fetus, mom gets better. It’s the diagnostic equivalent of a two-for-one sale. Cameron: I’ve read the outcome of mirror syndrome is almost always unfavorable. House: Unfavorable. Is that doctor speak for “dad baby?” You think she’ll be less upset if you phrase it nicely? Chase: We can tell her the truth – that she’ll be fine as soon as we diagnose a person who weighs about one pound. Can’t touch it, can’t ask where it hurts, can’t see it. House: If only there existed giant machines that could look through human skin. Mirror syndrome has a limited number of known causes. Cameron: Tacharrythmia, fetal anemia, placental chorioangioma – House: All of which are fixable. Which would be un-unfavorable, right? Foreman: Could also be trisomy 13, Epstein’s anomaly, an aneurysm of Galen’s vein – House: And Dr. Storm Cloud rained all over the differential and klled the beautiful little baby. Heart’s easiest to see, easiest to fix, so let’s start there. When you did Mom’s MRI did you get a look at the fetus’ heart? Chase: It was in the range but blurry. The fetus was moving all over the place. House: So we need another scan. Foreman: Yeah. We’ll just ask the fetus to lie very, very still. House: No need. I’m going to paralyze it. [Cut to House walking down hallway. Cuddy approaches him.] Cuddy: You want to paralyze Emma Sloan’s baby? House: Let me guess. Cameron. Cuddy: Cameron and Chase both had their concerns. House: No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn’t want to lose his all-access pass to her love rug. Cuddy: They’re sleeping together? House: If by “sleeping together” you mean having sex in the janitor’s closet. Cuddy: Here? House: No, the janitor’s closet at the local high school. [Pumps his fist] Go, Tigercats. Do you have one of those camera-phones? Because I have a MySpace account. Cuddy: I will deal with them after I deal with you. House: Oh, come on. Let’s gossip some more. I’m sure she’s into bondage. [Cuddy grabs his arm and turns him to look at her.] Cuddy: Paralyzing a one pound baby risks damaging – House: No paralyzing the thing risks not getting a clean MRI of it’s heart. Which we need to save it’s life which we need to do to save Emma’s life. Cuddy: You’re gonna need to get her consent. House: That shouldn’t be too hard. Sign here or you and your baby both die. Cuddy: I’m going with you. House: Oh, good. [Cut to House squirting gel on Emma’s belly.] Emma: You said sedation was risky. This sounds insane. House: The injection goes into the umbilical cord. Cuddy: The baby won’t feel a thing. House: Fetus! I’m lowering expectations. It works here and on dates. The benefits outweigh the risks and the paralytic will wear off in an hour. Okay? [Emma snorts/sighs] Cuddy: It must be easier to hear that you might die than your baby might die. But if there’s anyone I would trust to save my baby, it would be Dr. House. [Emma snorts again.] House: [whispers] Fetus. Hold this. [House hand Cuddy the sonogram wand as he uncaps syringe and watches sonogram as he sticks it in Emma’s belly. Cut to CGI of the fetus as the needle is inserted in the umbilical cord.] [Cut to Ob unit. Cuddy is looking at newborns as Cameron approaches.] Cuddy: Dr. Cameron, the MRI results back? Cameron: The fetus’ heart is structurally sound. The problem’s with the bladder. It’s four times normal size. Cuddy: Let me see. [She reaches for the patient folder in Cameron’s hand.] Cameron: The bladder’s so engorged it’s taking up the whole torso, squeezing all the other organs. There’s no room for the lungs to develop. Cuddy: [looking at film] The baby has a lower urinary tract obstruction. We can fix that by inserting a shunt. I’ll give Emma the news. Cameron: Are you… taking over the case? Cuddy: House won’t care. He has his diagnosis. [She starts to leave, then stops] Dr. Cameron. Dating Chase… can only end in one of two ways. Cameron: House told you? Cuddy: You get married and live happily ever after or somebody gets hurt and you two can’t work together and I have to fre somebody. Cameron: I would hate to see my personal life become such a burden to you. Cuddy: I’m telling you this for your own good. Cameron: Well I assume you’re going to have this same conversation with Chase for his own good. Cuddy: Chase isn’t the one who’s gonna get hurt here. [Cut to treatment room with hyperbaric chamber. Cameron enters and knocks on the chamber window. House is inside and turns to see her. She picks up phone. He looks around, picks up the receiver inside the chamber and lies back down.] House: There’s only room for one. Though I could scooch over. Cameron: My social life is my social life. House: Couldn’t agree more. What goes on in the privacy of a janitor’s closet is nobody’s business except – Cameron: She told me to end it. Is that what you want? House: I was actually hoping she’d fre one of you. Cameron: What are you doing? House: Trying to avoid altitude sickness. Couldn’t score a direct flight to Cambodia so I decided to scale Argentina’s infamous Mount Aconcagua Cameron: Perfect, except for the fact that you can’t walk. House: There’s a tribe of Macovi Indians who actually carry the elders up – Cameron: You’re insane. House: I’m an insane genius. Set the chamber to low pressure instead of high. Thinner air builds up extra red blood cells. Creates new capillaries. Few more days in here and I can save myself six weeks in base camp. Where’s my MRI? [Cameron slams down the phone.] [Cut to Emma’s room. Cuddy has the MRI on a light board.] Cuddy: There’s a blockage in the urinary tract. Simple terms, your baby can’t pee. His bladder is swollen and it’s crushing his lungs. Emma: Well, can you fix it? Cuddy: We can insert a small tube in the baby’s bladder that makes the bladder come out straight through his belly for the duration of the pregnancy. The bladder decompresses and the lungs will be able to develop normally. When the baby gets better, you should get better. Emma: Wow. Cuddy: First we just have to do a test to determine whether the baby’s kidneys are functioning properly. Emma: And what if they’re not? Cuddy: If they’re already too damaged, then there’s really nothing we can do. If this doesn’t work out, you can always try again. Emma: Wow. I miscarried twice when I was married. After the divorce, I tried in vitro like four times before this. I’m 42. Maybe its, uh, just not meant to be. [Cut to Cuddy walking into her office. House is behind her desk.] Cuddy: What are you doing? House: Well, you’re trying to be me so I thought I’d try to be you. Cuddy: You don’t have the cleavage for it. House: But I have a much tighter ass. You think every day should be naked Thursday or is that an oxymoron? [She reaches over and turns off the computer monitor. He sticks out his hand for the test results.] Let me see the results of the bladder tap. Cuddy: They aren’t back yet. House: They’re gonna to be inconclusive. Cuddy: You think my diagnosis is wrong? House: Fetus doesn’t pee, amniotic fluid should be low. Mom’s level is fine. Cuddy: Doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Could just means we caught the obstruction early. House: Either way, your test will be inconclusive. The urine you collected has been sitting in that fetus’ bladder for weeks. And, as my pappy always said, “stale pee is useless pee.” Cuddy: Fine, then I’ll do another tap. House: Just as useless. Old urine drops down from the kidney right after the first tap ‘cause it’s all backed up. Bladder tap number three will give you the freshest pee and it’s when you’ll find out if this fetus has even a fighting chance. Cuddy: Thank you. I’ll run two more taps. House: Since when does the Dean of Medicine run bladder taps? Cuddy: She’s an important patient. House: Because she takes pictures? Or because she’s you? Woman in her forties. Single. Using a turkey baster as a last gasp of motherhood. And you want to make sure she succeeds, so you’ll still have hope. Can’t be a good doctor if you’re not objective. Cuddy: [Pushing the file at him] It’s your file. House: I don’t want it. Cuddy: Then why did you just say all that stuff? House: To humiliate you. Cuddy: You’re taking the case back. House: I don’t want it. Your diagnosis is right. I wanna go on vacation. Cuddy: [Shoves the file in his hand] You can go on vacation after you’ve cured her. [Cut to Emma’s room. Chase enters.] Chase: Good news. Fetus’ urine had appropriate levels of protein and electrolytes so its kidneys aren’t damaged. Emma: Oh. Wow. Chase: We’re going to put the shunt in. Your baby’s lungs should have more room to grow and your symptoms should go away. Emma: But he’ll still need surgery? After he’s born? Chase: That’s when we’ll remove the blockage in the ureter. You’ll be the only mother on the planet who appreciates the value of a wet diaper. Emma: Hey, could you hand me that? [Points to camera] I’m keeping a visual memory book of this entire, surreal process and this is the best part of the story so far. Chase: Yeah. Sure. Emma: Thanks. Chase: [Sees picture of Cameron on top of a pile] When did you take this? Emma: Oh. She did the second bladder tap. You should keep it. Chase: Oh, I see her all day at work. I don’t need it. Emma: Maybe you want to see her after work. I’m right, right? I saw the way you look at her. [Chase picks up picture and smiles, looking at it, as Emma takes pictures of him.] Chase: [taking the picture and leaving] Thanks. [Emma laughs] [Cut to OR. Doctors inserting shunt through Emma’s belly. Cut to Chase and Cameron performing ultrasound on Emma in her room.] Cameron: Shunt is in the right position. The bladder’s starting to decompress. Chase: No infection. Did House say anything else? About us? Cameron: I thought you didn’t care about his reaction. Trying to make him jealous? Chase: I like my job. Cameron: He can’t fre you just because we’re together. Chase: We’re not together. And House can do whatever he wants. Emma: [breathing heavily as she wakes up] How’s my baby? Cameron: Doing just fine, Emma. So are you. Emma: My stomach is klling me. [She rubs her side.] Chase: That’s not her stomach. [He leans over to check her.] Cameron: Can you open your eyes, Emma? I just need to take a look. [She pulls open Emma’s eyelid. Her cornea is yellow.] Emma: [She sees Chase and Cameron looking at her.] What is it. [Cut to House’s office. All three fellows enter. House is at his computer, wearing sunglasses.] Cameron: Emma’s jaundiced. Her liver’s shutting down. House: [big sigh] Figures. Just booked my trip to Johnston Straight. Cameron: I thought you were climbing Mount – whatever. In Argentina. House: Apparently I’d have to live with the Macovi Indians for twenty years before they’d consider me an elder. [He tosses his sunglasses on his desk.] I decided to go kayaking with orca instead. No legs required. Foreman: Can’t leave yet. Liver failure puts her case back in the unsolved pile. Chase: Increased AST, ALT and her bilirubin’s off the charts. House: Even fetuses lie. We diagnosed a lower urinary tract obstruction because we saw one. What if that’s not the whole story. What if the little bugger is hiding something? Real reason for the mirror syndrome. Have we looked under its bed? Have we checked its diary? Foreman: It’s not GU. Could be the heart. Hypoplastic left heart syndrome. Chase: There were no structural problems. Foreman: The lungs – Cameron: We won’t be able to get a good look until they develop. It’ll be weeks House: She’s not going to last weeks. Foreman: What do you want to do? House: Maternal Mirror Syndrome has one surefire cure. Deliver the fetus. Chase: It’s not viable at twenty-one weeks. You’ll kll the baby. House: Fetus. Cameron: Do semantics make you feel better? Pretend it’s not a person? House: Can it play catch? Can it eat? Can it take pretty pictures? Who wants to tell her? [All three refuse to meet his eyes. He pushes off his desktop and grabs his coat.] [Cut to dialysis unit.] House: The swollen bladder was not the only problem. We can’t leave it inside you. We have to terminate. Emma: Well, can’t you deliver him? Put him on a respiratory machine until you figure out what’s wrong. House: We can. And it won’t matter. The fetus is still at least two weeks away from being viable. Emma: Oh, well. I’ll suffer through this for at least two more weeks, then. House: You’re on dialysis for your kidneys. Your kidneys can wait. They don’t make dialysis for your liver. You’re not going to make it two more days. Emma: [thinks about this then shakes her head slightly] I’m not gonna let you kll my baby. House: It’s klling you. Emma: I’m not having an abortion. House: It’s not a baby. It’s a…tumor. [She holds up her hand in a “stop” gesture.] I understand dying for a cause, sacrificing your life so your child might live. But that’s not the choice here. Either it dies or you both die. Emma: Or you fix him and we both live. House: I can’t fix it. I’m scheduling a D and C. [He gets up to leave.] Emma: I won’t consent. [He stops and looks at her.] So I guess you have two days to figure it out. [He leaves.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office.] House: Her kidneys are almost irreparable. She’s developed severe DIC. You have to force her to terminate. Cuddy: Did you give corticosteroids to speed the baby’s lung development? House: No! I dropped an anvil on its chest to prevent lung development. I’m trying to extinguish the human race one fetus at a time. Cuddy: Give the lungs more time to expand so you can see inside them, see if they’re the problem. House: My real patient is dying. Very quickly. Like I wouldn’t advise her to buy any green bananas. The fetus is nothing more than a parasite at this point. Removing it is an instant cure. Cuddy: You’re not going to get Emma to see it that way. She’s probably already named the baby. Read him books, had conversations with him. House: See, you get it. She’ll listen to you. Cuddy: No. House: You let this woman refuse to terminate, you’re helping her commit su1c1de. As her doctor, my recommendation is against su1c1de. Cuddy: If the baby had a doctor, I think she would recommend exhausting all possibilities before taking its life. House: Then she’d be an idiot. Cuddy: Too bad she’s your boss. [Cut to Diagnostics Office. Cuddy is by the white board, running the DDX. The fellows are at the table. House is seated by the wall, making a paper airplane.] Cuddy: What if our original assumption is wrong. House: It isn’t. Cuddy: If we assume she doesn’t have mirror syndrome then terminating her pregnancy isn’t going to help her liver at all. Foreman: We eliminated all other possibilities. Chase: The fetus is hydropic and in distress. Emma’s kidneys and liver are failing. The diagnosis is solid. House: Wow. If the ass kisser won’t agree with you, you must be even wronger than I thought. Cuddy: Fine. Let’s assume she had mirror syndrome but we fixed it when we fixed the baby’s bladder. That means that her failing liver would be completely unrelated. If it is, we can fix it. And we don’t have to terminate. House: So her theory is that our patient’s liver problems were just a giant coincidence. Cuddy: It’s not a surprising coincidence. Pregnant women can develop liver problems. If this is the case, we can actually do something here. Don’t you guys think that’s worth exploring. Cameron: Acute fatty liver of pregnancy would have the same symptoms. Cuddy: Thank you. House: Brown-noser. Chase: Viral hepatitis. HELLP syndrome. House: Oh look. Sticking up for your girlfriend. Who says chivalry’s dad? Foreman: He’s not joking? [Cameron gives him an exasperated sigh.] House: Be patient. She’s going through all of us. She’ll get that jungle fever eventually. [Cameron glares at House.] Cameron: I’m not going through anyone. House: You love him? [Chase and Cameron each give him a look.] Cuddy: This can probably wait until after we biopsy Emma’s liver, right? Foreman: We can’t. Her platelets are too low. Once we pierce her liver, it will be next to impossible to stop the bleeding. Cuddy: Come in from above. Instead of going straight in through her abdomen, go in through the veins in her neck. Transjugular hepatic biopsy. If the liver starts to bleed, it will bleed right back into her own veins. [The fellows leave. House flies his airplane. It hits Cuddy who looks at him. He looks away, innocent.] Why don’t you start your vacation now? [House leaves.] [Cut to Chase and Foreman doing the biopsy.] Chase: Threading the guidewire through the right internal jugular vein. Foreman: So, the sleep lab. You and Cameron not sleeping. How serious is it? Chase: It’s nothing. She’s only doing it to make House jealous. Foreman: Then why are you doing it? Chase: Are you kidding? Foreman: You’re approaching the interior vena cava. Slow down. Better not hurt her. Chase: She already has a big brother. Foreman: She does? Chase: You obviously care very deeply about her. Foreman: I’m not protecting her. I’m protecting myself. A heartbroken, lovesick Cameron would be even more unbearable than she is now. You’re through the hepatic vein. Chase: fring the needle. [One of the machines starts beeping quickly.] Foreman: Heart rate and BP spiking. Get that out of her. Chase: Fetus’ heart rate just dropped to 50. [CGI of fetus.] We’ve got contractions. Foreman: Pre-term labor. Start a terbutaline drip. [Cut to Cuddy in her office, playing with a hair scrunchy. The fellows enter.] Chase: We were able to control the pre-term labor with tocolytics. The contractions have subsided, for now. Cameron: And the biopsy was negative. This is definitely mirror syndrome. Her baby’s doing this to her. Foreman: We’re out of options. Cuddy: Did the biopsy cause the pre-term labor or did it happen on its own? Chase: It doesn’t make a difference. Cuddy: Pre-term labor can be a new symptom. New information gives us new theories. Isn’t that how it works? Foreman: Not in this case. Her body’s trying to do what you refuse to – get the baby out and save itself. Cameron: The patient’s transaminases are ten times normal. Her liver’s on the verge of shutting down completely. Cuddy: A torch test could – Foreman: We don’t have time for more tests. We have to terminate or she’ll die. Cuddy: Then let’s work faster. Cameron: Medicine doesn’t work faster just because you hope real hard. Cuddy: But it could help to see what the baby’s been hiding. The only organ we haven’t been able to look inside is its lungs. The problem must be in there. Chase: We haven’t been able to seen inside because they’re underdeveloped. We’ve already got her on corticosteroids but it’ll take weeks before for them – Cuddy: Then let’s drown them in corticosteroids. Multiple courses. Speed up their development. Foreman: Giving the baby more than one course will suppress adrenal gland function. Chase: Have long-term adverse effects on fetal organ development. Cuddy: Worse than death? Cameron: Emma’s already on tocolytics. The combination could put her into pulmonary edema. You’ll just kll her faster. Cuddy: It’s the only chance we have to see inside those lungs. We’re just going to have to make the baby better faster than we make Emma worse. [They look at her.] Come on. This is the kind of thing House does every day. Foreman: House thought we should terminate six hours ago. Cuddy: I’ll do it myself. [She leaves, pulling her hair into a ponytail with the scrunchy.] Cameron: Anybody going to stop her? Chase: Stopping the madness is her job. Foreman: Somebody’s got to be Cuddy’s Cuddy. [Cut to Emma’s room. Cuddy is injecting something in Emma’s IV port. She flips a switch and an alarm starts beeping.] Cuddy: Nurse! [Wilson enters.] Wilson: Pulmonary edema? Cuddy: Who tattled? Doesn’t matter. Wilson: There’s a reason we don’t give multiple courses of corticosteroids. Cuddy: Gee, thanks. Wilson: It’s time to terminate. Cuddy: That’s not what she wants. Wilson: Look at her. She didn’t want to be an incubator for a dad baby, but that’s what you’ve done. Cuddy: Either get me a laryngoscope or get out. [Wilson leaves. Cuddy and two nurses continue working on Emma.] [Cut to PPTH exterior, night.] [Cut to House’s office. Cuddy enters. She walks to his desk and picks up his oversized tennis ball, tossing it back and forth between her hands a few times. She then bounces it and it bounces away. She rubs her face, apparently in frustration and/or exhaustion.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. He is doing paperwork. Cuddy comes in and closes the door behind her.] Cuddy: You were right. You were all right. Now the mom’s lungs are shutting down. [She sits.] She’s dying faster than the baby’s lungs are developing. I had to stop the corticosteroids. Wilson: Have you spoken to the family? Cuddy: The only family she’s got is that baby. Wilson: Well, he’s biased. Cuddy: What do you think House would do? Wilson: House wants to terminate. Cuddy: I know. I mean if he didn’t. If he shared my position. What do you think he would do? Wilson: He wouldn’t share your pain. He’d be objective. Cuddy: Right. He would prioritize his problems. [She stands and heads toward door.] Wilson: He’d terminate. Cuddy: He wouldn’t be afraid of screwing with her lungs if there was a bigger issue. Wilson: There is no bigger issue. She needs her lungs. Cuddy: Not right now. She’s already on a respirator. The machine is breathing for her. I can do whatever I want to her lungs. If you’re playing catch in the living room and you break your mother’s vase you might as well keep playing catch. The vase is already broken. Wilson: Yeah, except that room can’t breathe without that vase. Cuddy: [leaving] I’m putting her back on corticosteroids. [She leaves, slamming door. Wilson sighs.] [Cut to House at home. There is a banging on the door. He opens it and Cuddy is there.] Cuddy: It worked. House: What worked? Cuddy: I got the baby’s lungs to expand. We should be able to figure out – House: Cab’s on it’s way. I have to finish packing. [She starts to close the door. She pushes it open.] Cuddy: I have a whole new appreciation for what you do. How hard it is to believe when everyone around you is telling you that you’re wrong. House: Helps to know they’re idiots. Cuddy: Do you think I’m an idiot? [She pulls out an x-ray.] House: You’re not objective. But you’re not an idiot. [He takes the film and holds it to the light.] His lungs are still two weeks away from being viable. Cuddy: But big enough for a diagnosis. House: These tissue buds are new. Could indicate bronchopulmonary sequestration or diaphragmatic eventration. Cuddy: I was thinking bronchogenetic cysts or bronchial atresia. House: Could be lung lesions. CCAM. Cuddy: What about – [House has slammed the door in her face. She stands there for a few seconds, apparently in shock when the door reopens. House has put his jacket on.] House: Move. [He motions for Cuddy to back up so he can lock the door.] [Cut to Diagnostics Office. The fellows are all there. Cameron is pouring a cup of coffee. House and Cuddy enter.] Cameron: I thought you started your vacation. House: Somebody had to save our boss’ rotundas ass. Latest MRI of the Sloan fetus. Foreman: Small buds in the lungs could indicate – House: Thanks. Got that multiple choice all worked out. The question is, how do we pick between A, B, C, D and “none of the above.” Cuddy: Portable MRI’s in her room. We could get a current image – Chase: Fetal lungs are so tiny an MRI won’t give us the details we need. House: What would we do if this patient were not just a tadpole. Say it was an actual person. Cuddy: He… is a person. House: Thanks for playing along. Pretend that it’s a one pound adult. Forget the mom, forget the womb, the placenta. How would we get a better look at what’s in the lungs? Cameron: Transesophageal echo. Chase: Can’t access his esophagus. Foreman: Higher resolution CT could give us a clearer – Chase: To much radiation for a one pound person. House: [Makes whining “eheheheh” sound.] You can’t just sht everything down, Chase. You’re not me. Collaborate. Chase: A ventilation perfusion scan would be next. [Foreman looks like he’s about to sht that one down.] House: How do we get a fetus to breathe in a radioactive isotope? Idiot. Chase: If it were really a person and we had no other options, we’d do an exploratory surgery. Cut into his chest and have a look around. House: Let’s do that. [He starts to leave, stopping next to Cuddy.] You’re the one who insists we treat it like a person. I’ll put it back when I’m done. [He leaves.] [Cut to Emma’s room. She has a ventilator mask on. House enters, followed by Cuddy.] House: Me again. Your friendly neighborhood belly-squirter. [He hangs his cane from the IV pole and opens Emma’s gown over her belly and sits in bedside chair.] We’re going to do open fetal surgery. Open the uterus cut out the fetus so we can look around. I know you can’t talk so I need you to look petrified if you consent. Cuddy: The umbilical cord won’t be cut. During surgery your body will basically serve as the baby’s heart-lung machine. We find what’s wrong and we fix it. If we can. House: [out of corner of his mouth but at regular volume] Don’t lower expectations if you want them to do something. Cuddy: She should know what she’s facing. [House is doing ultrasound of baby.] This is incredibly dangerous. It risks both your lives. The only reason why we’re suggesting it is because there’s nothing else we can do. [House turns ultrasound monitor to Emma. She looks at it and tears drip from her right eye. She looks back at Cuddy and House and nods. Close-up of monitor with baby’s face clearly recognizable.] [Cut to OR. House is gowned, gloved and masked.] House: You all here for the fetal surgery? Because we are way over capacity. [Cut to balcony where Wilson, Foreman, Chase and a couple of extras are observing. Periodic shts of balcony during surgery but the main focus is on the OR.] House: Mind each other’s personal space. There are sharp implements in the room. Like this one. [He holds up scalpel and starts to incise Emma’s belly.] Uterus is fully exposed. Surgeon: And we’re in. Start draining the amniotic fluid. [Resident inserts suction tube at top of womb. Slight sucking noise.] House: Have you never sucked beer out of the bottom of a keg? Where’d you go to college? Gimme that. [House inserts tube all the way in. Louder suction noise and he finishes quickly. As Cuddy, who is also suited up, watches, the baby’s hand falls out of the opening in the womb and lands on House’s left forefinger. The hand is about the size of the first joint of his finger. He raises his hand slightly and the baby’s hand moves, the fingers curling slightly around his finger. He touches it with his thumb. ] Cuddy: Affix the pulse ox to the palm. [He continues to look at the hand and stroke it with his thumb.] House. House: Sorry. I just realized I forgot to TiVo “Alien.” [He attaches paper, presumably the pulse ox, to the baby’s hand.] Cuddy: Fetal heart rate good, stats are sab. House: Position him for the incision. Surgeon: All right, I see three well-defined lesions. It’s definitely CCAM. I should be able to resect them. [Monitor starts beeping.] House: It’s the mom. She’s in V-fib. Cuddy: [grabbing paddles] Charging. Clear. Surgeon: I’m clear. [Cuddy shocks Emma. Everyone looks at monitor.] House: Looks like asystole. Paddling’s not going to do anything. Cuddy: It’s fine V-fib. I’m going again. [Monitor still flat.] House: We’re going to lose them both. Clamp! The surgery’s not doing this to her, the fetus is. [He starts to clamp the umbilical cord.] Cuddy: Step away, House. I’m going again. House: The only way to save her is to cut away the anchor holding her down. [He starts to cut the cord.] Cuddy: You keep going, you’re going to get electrocuted. [He jumps back just as Cuddy shocks Emma again.] Going again. Clear. [And again. The monitor starts beeping normally.] Surgeon: Heart rate’s returning to normal. Cuddy: Continue with the lobectomy. [Cuddy and House look at each other.] [Cut to PPTH exterior, night.] [Cut to Emma’s room. House is examining her.] Emma: So my kidney, liver and lungs are all fine, just like that? House: Just like that. Emma: That’s amazing. House: What’s amazing is how blond your baby’s hair is. Emma: [laughing] My baby? House: You know, the thing in your belly that tried to kll you. Emma: You’ve never called him a baby before. House: [stares at her] Any pain? Emma: Nothing I can’t deal with. House: You can only get out of bed to pee, poo or shower. And absolutely no sex. So stop flirting with me. [He takes a Vicodin.] Emma: Sorry. So this really worked. He’ll be… normal? House: Um. If you call being born twice, normal. [He gets up to leave.] Emma: Hey, thank you. House: Don’t thank me. I would have klled the kid. [Cut to Cameron putting Emma’s cameras in her bag. Chase stands in doorway.] Chase: Wanna grab a bite? Cameron: In a minute. Emma asked me to bring up her camera. Chase: I’ll walk with you. [She sees the picture Emma took of Chase looking at Cameron’s picture.] Cameron: When’d she take this picture of you? You look so… Chase: I’m smiling. I have a nice smile. Cameron: No. I’ve never seen you like this. She got you to… glow. What were you doing? What’d she say to you? Chase: I always glow. [He takes the bag as they walk down the hall.] [Cut to House walking past the clinic on his way out.] Cuddy: House. Need you to take a look at something. House: I’m off the clock. Cuddy: Just open it. [Hands him envelope.] House: [pulls something out] First class ticket to Vancouver Island. Cuddy: sh*t. It’s the wrong envelope. [She giggles.] I think it’s great. House: Yeah. Who doesn’t like Canadians? Cuddy: It’s big. You’re – you’re trying to have a life. You’re trying to enjoy yourself. House: You didn’t need to apologize. Cuddy: I’m not. I told you why I’m – House: You screwed up. Cuddy: I saved a life. I saved two lives. House: You let your maternal instinct get the best of you and nearly klled two people. In a case like this you terminate and mom lives 10 times out of ten. You do what you did, mom and baby both die 9.9 times out of 10. Cuddy: Sometimes point 1 is bigger than 9.9. House: No. It’s smaller. Exactly 9.8 smaller. Always is, always will be. Cuddy: Well, not for Emma. And not for her son. Now go away. And be happy. [Cut to House’s home. He closes door and drops keys on the table to his left and his backpack to his right. He pulls out the ticket while hooking his cane on the molding over the entry arch and leans back against the door. After tapping the ticket a couple of times, he rips it in half and tosses it by his keys. As he enters the living room, he takes off his jacket and takes the phone off the hook. He sits on the couch and picks up the TV remote which is on a pile of journals and turns on the TV. He leans back on the couch and takes a Vicodin. The program seems to be about the Galapagos Islands. House watches, rubbing his left thumb against his fingers as if remembering the feel of the baby’s hand.] [Cut to some point in the future. Emma is hanging pictures of Foreman, Cameron/Chase and Cuddy. The baby cries and she goes to him. Her home is the loft where the opening photo sh**t took place. She picks up the baby who seems to be full term.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x17 - Fetal Position"}	foreverdreaming
[Fran's Living Room. Day. We see a well-decorated living room, with a showcase full of porcelain figurines. There are a few figurines of cats. Someone is knocking on the door. Fran, middle-aged, neat, emerges from her bedroom and makes her way to the front door. She stops by a mirror near the door to adjust her makeup. She looks through the curtained window near the door and sighs. Outside, a well- manicured hand knocks again slowly. Fran opens the door to reveal a lady, late twenties, really pretty, dressed almost business-like.] ROBIN: Fran? I'm Robin. FRAN: [eagerly] Please come in. [Robin enters, smiling. Fran closes the door.] ROBIN: [looking around] Cute home. Two bedroom, one bath? FRAN: [brightly] Yeah. [Robin turns to see the showcase with the porcelain figurines.] ROBIN: [pointing] Guy I know collects those. Says they're worth a fortune on the Internet. [Fran sits on the sofa, hugging a pillow.] FRAN: [whatever] Yeah. [She smiles nervously at Robin.] ROBIN: [sweetly] You've never used our agency before, have you? FRAN: Is it that obvious? [Robin smirks and sits next to Fran.] ROBIN: [handing Fran a brochure] As you can see, we offer a full range of services. FRAN: [looking at the brochure] Round the world? ROBIN: Our deluxe package. Offers all the services of A, B and C. [Fran seems stunned, yet ready.] FRAN: How much? ROBIN: Thousand dollars. And satisfaction's guaranteed. [gently stroking Fran's shoulder] Twice. FRAN: I'll get the money. ROBIN: [seductively] I'll get ready. [Fran's Bedroom. She opens a drawer and removes a wad of money. She pulls off the rubber band and closes the drawer. On the top of a chest of drawers nearby sits Harrington, her cat. She starts to walk out, counting the money. Outside her room, she notices the empty basket for Harrington.] FRAN: Harrington? [Harrington meows. Fran looks behind.] FRAN: [going over to Harrington] Harrington. What're you doing up there? [She gently strokes him. He purrs. ] FRAN: All right, now don't take this personal, but you're gonna have to go... ROBIN: [vo] Fran? [Fran turns around to see Robin standing at the door, wearing a tight low-cut outfit (cut uptil her belly-button, that is).] ROBIN: Is this okay? [Fran is speechless and only looks at Robin. However, she's not really feeling turned on right now.] [FRAN'S POV: Her vision is blurred, as she looks up from Robin's well-toned legs to her face.] ROBIN: [alluring] Fran? [She holds the money out unsteadily.] [FRAN'S POV: Robin sees that all is not well.] ROBIN: Fran? Are you all right? [The money falls from Fran's hand and she drops to the floor, unconscious.] ROBIN: [annoyed] Oh God. [With a huff, she kneels over Fran and tries to shake her awake.] ROBIN: Fran? [No response. Robin looks at the money on the floor. She scrambles over and collects it, sticking it in her outfit at the chest. As she does so, she notices Harrington looking at her, almost judging her. She looks over to the phone and walks over and dials.] ROBIN: [into phone] Yeah, I-I need an ambulance at 500 North Sycamore. [She looks at Fran, who's moving her head, but still unconscious.] ROBIN: [into phone] I don't know. My... friend collapsed. [PPTH Clinic. Wilson is checking up on Fran, with Robin standing nearby.] WILSON: And what were you doing when you fainted? FRAN: [unsure of what to say] We were just... ROBIN: ... looking for her cat. [Fran likes the answer and looks at Wilson with a "there-you-have-it" smile. Wilson nods and starts to feel through Fran's hair.] WILSON: Have you banged your head recently? FRAN: No. [Wilson feels something and goes behind Fran's head and pulls off a patch from the back of her head.] WILSON: Is this a motion-sickness patch? FRAN: [sheepish] I must have forgotten to take it off. I just got back from a trip. WILSON: Oops. Scopolamine can cause dizziness and blurred vision. [starts to write] You probably ht your head when you fell and that caused the blackout. [He helps her up off the table.] [Nurse's station/Clinic Waiting area. Wilson, Fran and Robin walk outside.] ROBIN: I thought those patches were supposed to prevent you from getting sick. WILSON: Every drug has a side-effect. But it might be a good idea to keep your eye on her for the next few hours. Make sure she's okay. ROBIN: Oh, uh, actually... I... FRAN: She has to get back to work. [Wilson nods.] ROBIN: Is it important? WILSON: We just don't like people to be alone after they leave here? [Robin looks at Fran.] FRAN: I'm fine. Really, I'm... I'm... [She stops speaking, looking distant.] ROBIN: Fran? [Fran spins and crumples to the floor, convulsing heavily.] ROBIN: Fran! [Robin and Wilson quickly kneel beside her.] WILSON: I got a seizure! Code cart! ROBIN: What's wrong with her? WILSON: I have no idea. [Fran keeps seizing. An orderly inserts a tube into her mouth to suck out her saliva.] WILSON: Where's House?! [On the other side of the globe... Singapore.] [Serapong International Airport, Aerobridge. House (in a yellow/black Hawaiian shirt) is being wheeled through the 'bridge by a stone-faced steward, while Cuddy walks alongside, trying hard to contain her amusement at House's growing irritation. Behind them a little girl in her mother's arms keeps yelling out "I want my blankie!", only adding to House's annoyance. Other passengers shuffle through the 'bridge.] HOUSE: Antique vintner's cane. Cost me nine hundred dollars. CUDDY: It had a corkscrew in it. HOUSE: Ah! That explains the vintner's reference. CUDDY: It could be used as a wapon against the pilot. HOUSE: [looks back the noisy kid] Only if he's sucking a bottle of Zinfandel. CUDDY: You'll get it back when we land. NOISY GIRL: I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie! HOUSE: [has had enough, turns to the mother] Give her twenty milligrams of antihistamine. Could save her life. 'Cause he she doesn't shut up, I'll kll her. [The mother looks at House, appalled.] CUDDY: [deadpan] Delivering goodwill to yet another continent. HOUSE: You only forced me to deliver a speech, not goodwill. CUDDY: [arguing] You gave a three-minute speech. You know how much WHO accreditation means to the hospital. HOUSE: Huh, may have been short, but it had girth! CUDDY: [painful to think about it] And the room service thing was just spiteful. HOUSE: I was hungry. CUDDY: Three hundred dollars for a bottle of wine. HOUSE: I was thirsty. CUDDY: A hundred and twenty dollars on video services. HOUSE: I was lonely. [They reach the end of the 'bridge. The stone-faced steward stops the wheelchair at the door.] CUDDY: That's five hundred in expenses I can't justify. HOUSE: [standing] Don't worry, I'll take care of it. [He limps inside.] CUDDY: [skeptically] Right. [Aeroplane. The flight attendant, Keo, serves a first class passenger a drink. She then goes to attend to House and Cuddy.] KEO: Welcome aboard. [takes House's boarding pass] Mr. House. You're right here in 2A. [House takes back the pass and moves to his seat. Cuddy smilingly hands over her pass to Keo.] KEO: Ms. Cuddy. You're in the next cabin and to the left. 9C. CUDDY: [surprised] No, I booked two first-class tickets. This must be a mistake. HOUSE: [sitting comfortably in his seat] No mistake. Just arranged for a five hundred dollar fare reduction. Expense problem solved. [He gives her a smug smile. Cuddy looks at him in dismay. Wearily, she goes to the economy class cabin.] [PPTH. Fran's Room. Wilson speaks to Fran. Robin is nearby, text-messaging someone.] WILSON: Where did you travel? FRAN: Duluth. To visit my sister. WILSON: [skeptically] Really? Is this her artwork? [He points to a tattoo on her right heel. Robin turns to look. It's an upside-down heart, with angel wings, with a banner across, saying "MÁS-DEL-FUEGO".] ROBIN: [translating] "fre... butt"? [They look at Fran questioningly.] FRAN: [awkwardly] I was a little drunk. WILSON: Where were you a little drunk? [Fran looks at Wilson a bat. Then...] FRAN: I turned fifty-eight last March. Same age my mother was when she died. Next week I packed a bag and went to JFK. Looked at the big board, took the first plane that went to a warm place. [Wilson gestures for the name of the place.] FRAN: [quietly] Caracas. ROBIN: Oh my God. WILSON: Did you drink the water? Eat salads? Any raw foods? ROBIN: [embarrassed] Yep. WILSON: [shaking his head] And...? FRAN: [closes her eyes in shame] I also did Mescal sht and, uh, snorted cocaine from a hm* man's stomach. WILSON: [oh brother] Did you have sex? [looks like he'll be surprised if she says no.] FRAN: No. [bat] Not with him. [smiling] I had sex with El Gordo. He was a large man. ROBIN: [muttering scandalously] Oh my God. FRAN: [starts to choke up] I never do things like that. I should have gone to visit my sister. It was stupid. It's why I'm sick, isn't it? WILSON: [unsure] Uhhh... it's... possible. [Flight, First Class Cabin. House finishes his wine, while listening to some tunes. The seat next to him is empty. In the aisle, a Korean man, Peng, who's drinking a Bloody Mary, seems a bit under the weather.] PENG: Uhhh, foof... [House watches him as he groans slightly and leans back in his seat. Keo comes up with House's food.] KEO: [cheerfully] Here you are. Rib-eye, medium rare. [places the plate on his tray.] HOUSE: Thank you. KEO: Some more Pinot Grigio? HOUSE: [pulling out a menu] Uh, no. Think I will switch to the... Syrah! [Keo smiles and leaves. House starts to eat. Peng takes a sip of his drink and groans even louder, appearing more and more uncomfortable by the minute. Keo notices his discomfort.] KEO: Sir, are you all right? HOUSE: He's drunk. [Peng starts to make gagging sounds, with his mouth still closed. Keo, an experienced flight attendant, quickly moves to get him an air-sickness bag. Too late! He lurches forward and throws up multiple times on his food tray. House closes his eyes in irritation and disgust. Other passengers, including a businessman and businesswoman react the same. A sweaty Peng gags a couple of times and falls against his backrest, fatigued.] KEO: [in Tagalog] Nilalagnat ka ba? [Are you sick?] PENG: [Korean, strangled] [untranslated] KEO: [urgently] Does anyone speak Korean? [Peng lurches forward and coughs out some more puke.] KEO: Is anyone a doctor? [House looks around, hopefully. Nope! He rolls his eyes.] HOUSE: Yes! [He gets up from his seat, limping up to Keo.] HOUSE: I'll go get her. [He starts to move towards the economy-class cabin, but stops and goes to his seat to collect his rib-eye, medium rare, and his glass of Syrah. He acknowledges Keo and leaves.] [Flight, Economy-Class Cabin. Cuddy sits at 9C, reading a magazine, while some big dude snores loudly on her shoulder. As you can imagine, she's not enjoying a moment of this and probably wondering how many extra hours of clinic duty to assign to House to get back at him. House limps over. [Cuddy doesn't look too happy to see him right now.] CUDDY: [wearily] What do you want? HOUSE: Did you really think I was gonna leave you stuck back here for eighteen hours? [Cuddy is genuinely surprised at House's "generosity".] HOUSE: Go on, enjoy. With the Vicodin and the wine, I can sleep anywhere. [Cuddy sighs in relief and gets up, collecting her stuff. Her coat is wrapped around her backrest, on which her neighbour sleeps, snoring away to high heaven. She yanks it off the seat.] CUDDY: [quietly, grateful] Thank you. [House nods, a cherubic smile on his face. Cuddy leaves for the first-class cabin, while House sits down, quite satisfied with himself.] [PPTH, Hallway. Wilson and the Ducklings walk, discussing Fran's case.] CHASE: We should put her back on the Scopolamine patch. FOREMAN: She can't wear motion-sickness patches for the rest of her life. CAMERON: No, but if it does relieve her symptoms, it'll narrow down our search. FOREMAN: [throwing a tantrum] Ugh! Anything else you two guys won't agree on? CHASE: Have a problem with us agreeing? FOREMAN: No, I have a problem with the other thing you guys are doing, which makes me question your motive for agreeing. WILSON: [sighing] I'll put her back on the patch. What else? CHASE: It's gotta be something neurological. We should do a CT. Look for a brain tumour. FOREMAN: It could also be an allergy or something environmental. We should check her home. CAMERON: Bit more likely she got sick in Caracas than in New Jersey. FOREMAN: Right. I forgot, there are no toxins in the US. [Wilson stops and turns to face them.] WILSON: I think I'm starting to feel sorry for House. [to Cameron] Get a tox screen, chem 20, STD panel, blood cultures. [to Foreman] Then you run a CT. [to Chase] And you check her house. [The Ducklings balk at the instructions handed out by the senior, yet less dictatorial Wilson.] WILSON: Please. [The Ducklings reluctantly leave to carry out the instructions.] [Flight, Economy Class Cabin. The inflight movie plays on the screen. House sleeps blissfully, with the headphones on. Cuddy's hands come into frame, yanking off the 'phones, jerking the Jerk awake.] CUDDY: Not funny. HOUSE: Wasn't supposed to be funny-ha-ha. [Cuddy kneels down next to his seat, whispering softly, yet urgently.] CUDDY: Fever, headache, severe abdominal pain, and a rash all over his lower back. It's serious. May be contagious. [Cuddy says the last part a bit too loudly. The passenger in front of House, Joy (early twenties, pretty), turns her head in curiosity.] HOUSE: Wow! We just attended a symposium on pandemics and you've run right into one on the flight home. Talk about a small world. CUDDY: If it's meningococcus, half the passengers on this plane could get infected and die before we reach New York. [Joy turns back to look at House and Cuddy.] JOY: [loudly] Is someone sick? HOUSE: [reassuring with a "mind-your-own-business" tone] No! [A few others turn their heads.] HOUSE: Someone has a hangover. [to Cuddy] He had a snoot-load of Bloody Marys before dinner. CUDDY: [turning to Joy] Watch the movie. [Joy is still suspicious but looks forward anyway.] CUDDY: [whispering even lower] That booze did not give him the rash. It is textbook meningococcus. HOUSE: It is also textbook allergic reaction to... pollen... peanuts, semen-stained polyester blanket he's lying on. [Keo comes up from behind.] KEO: Mr. Peng's throwing up again. CUDDY: [to House] We have to turn around. JOY: [whips backwards again] What? Why do we have to turn a...? HOUSE: [cutting her off, stern] We don't! You misunderstood. Dr. Cuddy just meant that... he might feel less nauseous if he was facing a different direction. She didn't mean to panic a planeload of people. CUDDY: [defiant] We're about to head over the North Pole. We don't turn back now, the next ER's fifteen hours away. HOUSE: He'll be fine. [to Keo] I'm a doctor too. KEO: You haven't examined him. HOUSE: Korean male, mid-thirties, 5' 9", one-sixty, bald, scar on the right side of his jaw, medic alert bracelet on his left wrist indicating that he is allergic to, at least, penicillin. CUDDY: Without any way to do an LP to rule out meningococcus, our only choice is to assume the worst. HOUSE: Good point. [to Keo] On the other hand, I am a Board-certified specialist in infectious disease. She assigns parking spaces. KEO: [to Cuddy] Please let me know if he gets any worse. [She walks away, bumping past Cuddy. Cuddy sht House an evil look as she gets up to leave. House watches her leave, focusing on his favourite part of her, and puts in his headphones.] [Fran's Home, Bedroom. Day. Harrington, the cat, still sits quietly on the chest of drawers. Chase is looking through the drawers. Cameron's in another room.] CHASE: Think we should feed the cat? [Outside the bedroom, Cameron is checking on Fran's medications. She looks around and sees a bowl full of cat food.] CAMERON: Bowl's full. He wants it, he can get it. [focusing on med bottle] Cadmium Yellow? Heavy metal poisoning would explain the ataxia and the seizures. CHASE: Not unless she was painting with her tongue. CAMERON: [tossing the bottle aside, entering the bedroom] Is Foreman right? Did you agree with me because of our relationship? CHASE: Relationship? CAMERON: You know what I mean. CHASE: You mean, because of our _lack_ of a relationship. CAMERON: I mean, because we're having sex. CHASE: [joking] Yes, Foreman's right. I thought you were completely wrong about the medicine, but agreed with you anyway because I figured that then you'd do me in some old lady's home. CAMERON: [playfully] Then, well played. [She advances, grabs his jacket lapels and starts pushing him towards the bed. Chase seems a bit unsure.] CHASE: C'mon, we're supposed to be looking for toxins or something. [She pushes him onto the bed and climbs on top of him.] CAMERON: [really playful] We agreed it was a brain tumour. [Chase seems distracted.] CAMERON: What? [Cameron sees what Chase is looking at. Harrington sits motionlessly on the chest of drawers, watching them.] CHASE: [whispering] He's watching. CAMERON: Haven't you had anybody watch before? [Cameron gets off him. He still seems conscious of the cat, until Cameron grabs him again and pulls him off-screen, while still on the bed. Cameron giggles.] [Flight, Economy Class Cabin. House sits relaxed in his seat. Not so relaxed, however, is Joy, the passenger in front of him. She pulls off her headphones and stands up to look. In the first-class cabin, she sees Peng throw up again into an air-sickness bag help by Keo. Cuddy closes the curtain between the cabins. On the other aisle, the curtain is pulled open by the businesswoman, who is followed by the businessman, who is nauseously holding a kerchief to his mouth. Joy nervously turns to House.] JOY: Is that guy really sick? HOUSE: No. He's all better. JOY: I don't believe you. [House looks at Joy.] HOUSE: [pointing towards the aisle] Look that way. JOY: [slowly] Why? HOUSE: 'Cause you're gonna throw up and I don't want it on me. [Joy turns to the aisle, then lurches forward and pukes on the aisle floor. The other passengers get grossed out. She coughs and gags loudly. A young blonde boy, looks back in front in order not to feel nauseous himself. House stands up. Joy hurls again. House jumps away, though by his expression, it appears it wasn't fast enough. Other passengers groan. Keo approaches.] KEO: [sighing in exasperation] I'll get some towels. [leaves down the aisle] [Cuddy comes up.] HOUSE: Give her a banana. Monkey see, monkey barf. You smell vomit... [Joy stays bent over. Cuddy lifts up the Joy's shirt, to expose a red, horrible-looking rash on her lower back (nice tattoo, by the way). House sees it too.] HOUSE: Okay, wasn't expecting that. [Cuddy looks accusingly at him.] [Flight, Economy Class Cabin. House paces on the floor. Cuddy attends to Joy in the first-class cabin.] HOUSE: I need help! CUDDY: [mad] Who doesn't? HOUSE: Need someone to talk to. [He pops a Vicodin. Then his eyes fall on the same kid mentioned before, the one with the long blonde hair.] HOUSE: [to the kid] Can you say, [bad Australian accent] "Croikey, myte"? [As you've probably guessed by now, this kid is Chase's stand-in. We'll call him Air Chase.] AIR CHASE: [American accent] Crikey, mate. HOUSE: Perfect. Now, no matter what I say, you'll agree with me, okay? AIR CHASE: [unsure] O-kay. [House holds a marker in front of the movie screen (now called, Air Whiteboard).] HOUSE: Nicely done. [He points a Middle-Eastern/South-Asian guy, in the second row.] HOUSE: You... disagree with everything I say. [That makes the guy Air Foreman. House writes "VOMITING" on the Air Whiteboard.] AIR FOREMAN: Sorry. Not understanding. HOUSE: [shrugging] That's close enough. [Finally, he settles on a really sour-looking lady in the first row.] HOUSE: And you... get morally outraged with everything I say. [Guess that makes her... any guesses?] AIR CAMERON: [peevish] That's permanent marker, you know. [House, impressed with his choice, turns to look at her.] HOUSE: Wow, you guys are good. [back to work, writing] We are looking for the simplest way to explain these symptoms. [He's written "VOMITING", "AB. PAIN", "RASH", "FEVER" one-under-the-other on the board.] HOUSE: [guessing] Organophosphate poisoning. Some international flights spray pesticides. [He motions to Air Chase for his thoughts.] AIR CHASE: [deer in the headlights] Uhh... could be. [Next up is Air Foreman.] AIR FOREMAN: Sorry, English not so nice. [Air Cam, you're up!] AIR CAMERON: Is this a joke? [Cuddy enters the Economy Class cabin.] CUDDY: Just passed the half-way mark. Can't turn around. Nice call. [Keo comes in through the other aisle.] HOUSE: No worries. _We_ think it's pesticide poisoning. KEO: We don't spray these flights. HOUSE: Dramamine overdose. CUDDY: Wouldn't explain the fever. HOUSE: Jet lag. CUDDY: Wouldn't explain the abdominal pain. HOUSE: Deep vein thrombosis. CUDDY: Wouldn't explain the nausea. HOUSE: Food poisoning. What was on the menu? KEO: Steak and sea bass in first class. Fettuccine and sea-food kebabs in economy. CUDDY: [to House] Since when does food-poisoning cause rash? HOUSE: [ignoring her] Sea bass, seafood kebabs? [Keo nods.] HOUSE: He had the sea bass. Please tell me she had the kebabs. KEO: [nodding] I think so. HOUSE: Ciguatera poisoning. It's an instant onset toxin. [looking at the Air Whiteboard] Symptoms include "E", all of the above. 'S only found in certain kinds of tropical gamefish, such as...? [motions to Air Chase to finish] AIR CHASE: Sea bass? HOUSE: [to Cuddy] Make sure you get a rèsumé from him. [He pushes her gruffly aside and picks up the receiver to the PA system.] HOUSE: [over PA system, deep, polite-sounding voice] Helloo? KEO: [protesting] Excuse me... HOUSE: [over PA system] Ladies and gentlemen, I have a brief announcement concerning your meals. IF you ate the sea bass or the seafood kebabs, you have ingested a dangerous toxin. [The passengers start to murmur in panic.] HOUSE: [over PA system] However, if you proceed to the restrooms both on your left or right or rear of the plane and vomit as soon as possible, the toxic effect should be minimal. [Many people jump up from their seats in a panic and start rushing towards the restrooms, covering their mouths.] HOUSE: [can't resist, over PA system] Thank you and have a pleasant flight. [He hangs up the receiver.] CUDDY: [sighing] Meningococcus makes just as much sense. HOUSE: [nods] I know. [He goes back towards his seat.] [PPTH, Lab. The Ducklings are performing the Wilson-requested tests. Cameron giggles, remembering the tryst in Fran's place. Chase smiles. Foreman, however, rolls his eyes. Wilson enters.] WILSON: What'd you find? CAMERON: Nothing in her house. Big waste of time. CHASE: [under his breath] Medically. [Cameron smiles mischievously.] FOREMAN: CT was a complete waste. She was negative for tumours, her blood was negative for drugs, heavy metals, tropical diseases, food poisoning and STDs. [In frustration, Wilson runs his hand through his hair.] CHASE: Also no sign of lead poisoning or sepsis. Apparently, Venezuelan tattoo parlours have standards after all. CAMERON: Good to know. [Chase smirks.] FOREMAN: [sighs] We sure she's even sick? WILSON: Two more seizures in the last two hours. CAMERON: Which is slower than she was having before we put the patch back on. [Wilson thinks and has an epiphany.] WILSON: I'm an idiot. She's exposed herself to so much crap, I just assumed it was a... zebra. It's breast cancer. CAMERON: Since when is breast cancer treatable by motion sickness meds? WILSON: It's not. But the inflammation caused by the paraneoplastic syndrome caused by the cancer can be reduced by anticholinergics. [He leaves the lab.] [Flight, First-Class Cabin. Peng is reclined sideways on a seat, trembling heavily. Across him, Joy lies the same way, panicking. Cuddy, carrying an icebox, puts a wet towel on Peng's head.] CUDDY: Hey, here you go. JOY: Is he gonna die? [Cuddy comes over to Joy to put a towel on her head.] CUDDY: [reassuring] We're doing all we can. Don't know what's wrong with him yet. JOY: [scared] Am I gonna die? CUDDY: No. [She removes a plastic cup filled with ice chips from the icebox and hands it to Joy.] CUDDY: Here, chew on these. [Joy takes the cup. Cuddy walks away, leaving Joy to fearfully watch an ailing Peng. As Cuddy reaches the front row, House puts his hand into the icebox and takes a few ice chips for his drink. He's got his headphones on, and also has a couple of fluorescent yellow noseplugs stuck into his nostrils.] HOUSE: Good news is, all the pilots are red-meat men. Although I was kind of looking forward to landing this puppy myself. CUDDY: Peng's getting worse. HOUSE: [removing his headphones] Ow. That makes sense. First class ate before coach. He digested more of his food before he threw up. CUDDY: [leaning in] Or you're wrong and we're gonna start seeing neurological symptoms soon. Seizures, paralysis, ataxia. HOUSE: [looks behind at Peng, then back to Cuddy] We're not gonna see ataxia. CUDDY: [peeved] You're so sure you're right. HOUSE: No, it's just hard to show clumsiness when you're lying moaning in the fetal position. [Peng groans loudly. House sighs and gets off his seat.] HOUSE: [to Peng, loudly] Hey! S... [removes the noseplugs] Stand up! [No response from Peng.] HOUSE: Nobody speak Korean on this flight? CUDDY: I assumed you did. HOUSE: I know how to ask him if his sister's over eighteen. I don't think that's gonna help. [even louder, to Peng] Hey! Stand up! [mimicking standing up] Stand... up! [Peng slowly and weakly starts to get to his feet.] HOUSE: Don't play the cripple card with me. [Peng manages to stand upright, although he seems shaky. House and Cuddy watch him hopefully. PENG: [Korean, fatigued] [untranslated] [Suddenly, his legs give way and he crumples to the floor. House purses his lips and looks at Cuddy.] [PPTH, Outside Fran's room. Fran is asleep. Robin slowly and quietly slides the door shut and starts to walk off, looking at her cellphone. Wilson steps out of the nearby elevator. Robin looks up from her phone to see Wilson standing in front of her.] ROBIN: Oh, hi. I'm leaving. [bat] Work. WILSON: Oh, okay. ROBIN: Important client. WILSON: Sure. [Robin nods and starts to leave. Wilson turns.] WILSON: Um, listen... [Robin presses the elevator button and turns to Wilson, a bit apprehensively. Wilson walks up to her.] WILSON: Are you close? ROBIN: [hesitant] Why? WILSON: [looks over his shoulder into Fran's room] She needs a mammogram. ROBIN: [muttering] Oh, God. WILSON: I know I'm throwing a lot at you. She just has no family in town. And I really think she could use a friend right now. [Robin looks at Fran, sleeping in her room.] [PPTH, Mammogram Room. Fran stands in front of the mammogram, her robe open in front of the machine. Cameron checks on her.] CAMERON: [pointing] Okay, put your hand here. [Cameron goes to the adjoining room. Camera pans to show Robin standing next to Fran.] FRAN: You don't have to stay. ROBIN: No, it's... no problem. FRAN: But why? You don't even know me. ROBIN: You gotta be scared. FRAN: [nods, choking up] I almost hope it's breast cancer. ROBIN: [shaking her head] No. FRAN: Then it wouldn't be my fault. ROBIN: [supportively] Whatever it is, it's not your fault. FRAN: That's not true. You can control things. Not everything. But you don't have to take stupid risks. I was being an idiot. ROBIN: You were having fun. FRAN: You have regrets? ROBIN: Yeah. CAMERON: [over radio, from adjoining room] Robin. [Fran motions for her to go on. Robin turns and acknowledges Cameron. Then, with an encouraging look to Fran, she leaves to join Cameron.] CAMERON: [over radio] Hold still. [The image of Fran's breast comes up on Cameron's monitor.] CAMERON: [over radio, smiling] Good. [She goes over to Fran.] CAMERON: [adjusting the machine] Okay, we're gonna get just one more. [Fran starts to breathe louder in panic.] CAMERON: Sorry, I know it hurts. FRAN: It's not that. It's my eye. My right eye, I... I can't see. [Flight, First-Class Cabin. While Joy watches in growing trepidation, House examines the rash on Peng's leg, while he lies unconscious on the floor.] HOUSE: It's definitely ataxia. It's definitely a rash. CUDDY: You wanna look at it for five more minutes before concluding it's also definitely a leg. HOUSE: Thin leg. It's been in a cast. CUDDY: So? HOUSE: So it could be radiation poisoning. CUDDY: From a broken leg? HOUSE: From the X-rays they took of it. CUDDY: He could break every bone in his body and still not have enough x-rays to cause radiation sickness. HOUSE: Unless those X-rays were performed in "Wankoff", North Korea by a third-grade dropout with a 50-year-old imager. [pointing to Peng's bald head] Which accounts for the absence of fur. Radiation poisoning accounts for all the symptoms. JOY: [butting in] I have hair. I haven't had an X-ray since I got my teeth whitened. HOUSE: [has enough of her] You're pregnant. JOY: [wtf] I'm what? HOUSE: Explains the nausea, abdominal pains, fever. And why you're stuffing your 36Cs into a 34B bra. CUDDY: And her rash? HOUSE: PUPPPs. Common pregnancy rash. [Just so y'all know, it's "Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy".] JOY: [indignant] I can't be pregnant. HOUSE: You a virgin? JOY: No, but-- HOUSE: You're pregnant. Mazel tov. [to Cuddy] Let's get him into the chair. [House limps over Peng towards Cuddy. Keo comes up to help. Cuddy doesn't look too good.] CUDDY: [skeptically] Two different diagnoses. I thought you didn't believe in coincidences. HOUSE: I believe in statistics. Two hundred passengers on the plane. [With Keo's help, he gets Peng onto the seat.] HOUSE: Ten should be gay, two should be with child, and one should be incredibly annoying with an extra ass chromosome. CUDDY: [really uncomfortable] House. HOUSE: [to Keo] Get him some iodized salt to protect his thyroid. I'm going back... CUDDY: House! [House turns around.] CUDDY: [really looking run down] You're wrong. [She looks nauseous. Then, she doubles over and throws up on the floor. House slowly comes over to her and lifts up the back of her shirt (he has a medical reason to do so, this time) to expose a very familiar rash.] [Flight, First-Class Cabin. Cuddy is now among the sick. House puts his ear to her chest (again, medical reason) to listen to her heartbeat.] CUDDY: [complaining hoarsely] I said we should've turned back. You should have listened to me. Now we're eight miles over the Arctic... HOUSE: [looks up] I'm trying to listen to you now, so shut up. [listens into her chest again] Heart's fine. [can't resist mentioning] Breasts are firm. [Cuddy seems partly annoyed, partly flattered.] KEO: Is it contagious? A lot of the passengers are scared. HOUSE: Tell them there's nothing to worry about. KEO: Is there something to worry about? HOUSE: Yeah. HOUSE: Tell them there's nothing to worry about. Gimme a flash light. [PPTH, EEG Room. Foreman and Cuddy are performing an EEG on Fran. She has many electrodes stuck to her forehead. Cameron hands her something to cover her eye.] CAMERON: Cover your left eye with this. [Cameron goes to join Foreman in the adjoining room. A monochromatic pattern strobes on the monitor as she watches it with her left eye blocked off.] [Flight, First-Class Cabin. Cuddy's POV: House shines a flashlight into her face. She waves it away irritably.] CUDDY: Mm... photophobia! Symptom of meningitis! We need antibiotics. HOUSE: I'll call down to the pharmacy. [He leans in and starts to smell Cuddy's hair, then her neck.] CUDDY: [softly] You're creeping me out. HOUSE: Then get me a lab. [now smelling her stomach] Pseudomonas smell yeasty. Staph smells musty. Some liver diseases smell of ammonia. CUDDY: House, I'm not in heat. HOUSE: [results of the smell-test] Citrusy on the nose, with a blush of toasted coconut. [Cuddy smirks. House lifts up her shirt to expose the rash on her stomach (medical reason, AGAIN!). Cuddy breathes heavily. House starts to undo her belt. That's the last straw for Cuddy. She grabs his hand.] HOUSE: Need to get a better look at your rash. CUDDY: Use your imagination. HOUSE: Fine, shall I go with "Lifeguard Cuddy" or "Mother Superior Cuddy"? [Keo enters the cabin.] KEO: Three more passengers are sick. CUDDY: If we don't get drugs, we're gonna have a lot of dad passengers. [House contemplates this.] [PPTH, Hallway. Robin sits on a couch in the waiting area. Wilson comes up.] WILSON: Blindness in her right eye indicates it's not breast cancer. It's likely neurological... ROBIN: [interrupting] I just met her today. WILSON: Huh... [takes a seat, then] You should go. ROBIN: She needs someone here. WILSON: That's not your job. [Robin knows he's right. She gets up and starts to walk away. She stops near the Nurse's station and writes on a piece of paper. She hands it to Wilson.] ROBIN: Please let me know that she's okay. [Wilson nods and watches her leave.] [PPTH, EEG Room. The EEG is underway. Cameron is explaining her "relationship" with Chase to Foreman.] CAMERON: It's just sex. FOREMAN: There's no such thing. [over radio, to Fran] Other eye. CAMERON: Are you saying women can't separate the physical from the emotional? FOREMAN: No one does it well. Women do it worse. CAMERON: [playfully] You just want us to stop, because you think it's affecting... FOREMAN: Me. Yeah. [Cameron smiles. The monitors start beeping.] CAMERON: Polyspikes over oh-one and oh-two. FOREMAN: That's her left eye. Burst suppression on every lead. [Fran is swaying in her chair as she watches the screen glassily. Then her head drops. Foreman and Cameron jump from their seats and rush over to her.] CAMERON: Fran? [Foreman flashes his flashlight into Fran's eyes.] CAMERON: She's comatose. [Flight, Economy-Class Cabin. It's shakedown time! Air Chase walks along the aisle, holding out a pillow-case for people's meds, followed by House. He holds it out in front of a passenger, who shakes his head.] HOUSE: Nothing... [The neighbouring passenger is of no help either.] HOUSE: Nothing... [addressing everybody] C'mon, nobody has no meds. [He stops near a couple, obviously seeing something. He places his hand under the lady's chin.] CLUELESS WIFE: Excuse me. HOUSE: Open your mouth. [He and Air Chase lean in to look into her mouth.] HOUSE: [standing upright] Where is the acyclovir? CLUELESS WIFE: I'm not on any meds. HOUSE: Well, you'd better get some. You've got herpes. [The husband looks guilty as sin. House looks at him. He holds his hand out for the meds. Hubby dearest reaches into his jacket and pulls out a bottle of meds, which he hands over to House grudgingly.] HOUSE: What do you know? He's got some. This must be your lucky day. [He takes out a few pills and gives them to her. She looks at her husband in shock.] HOUSE: [loudly] This is for real! People are sick! Some of us will be deplaning in body bags unless you cough up. [Many passengers (even those they already passed), start pulling out their meds and holding it above their heads, calling "Here!". Air Chase starts collecting the meds, which the passengers hand over most eagerly.] HOUSE: [as the pillowcase starts to fill up] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. God bless you. [PPTH, Diagnostics Office. Foreman and Cameron argue on Fran's case, while Wilson paces about and Chase sits quietly behind Cameron.] FOREMAN: Her brain is shutting down because of intercranial pressure. CAMERON: Or her nerves are dying. FOREMAN: Because of the increased pressure. She has a bleed in her brain. CHASE: You said the CT showed... FOREMAN: [finishing] ... no tumors. But if she has an AVM leading to a cerebral haemorrhage, we coulda missed it. She needs a burr hole to relieve... CAMERON: You wanna drill in her brain because of an invisible bleed the CT couldn't see? We should do an LP to confirm the presence of red blood cells. FOREMAN: And her brain herniates and then she dies. CAMERON: Right, better to kll her in the OR. Chase, what do you think? FOREMAN: [whispers to Wilson] Here's a cliffhanger. [Chase seems a bit insulted at that insinuation.] CHASE: I think it'd help to know what she has before we start digging into her brain. WILSON: Might be better to play it safe to start. Do an LP. FOREMAN: [under his breath, disgruntled] Sex better be damn good. [Glaring at Foreman, Cameron and Chase get up and leave.] [Flight, First-Class Cabin. House empties the pillowcase, dropping all the med bottles onto a chair. Cuddy watches, reclined in her chair, covered with a blanket. She looks absolutely sick.] HOUSE: Lotta apples, not many candy bars. CUDDY: [wearily] Any antibiotics? HOUSE: Three caps of augmentin. CUDDY: There're six patients. Give 'em to Peng. HOUSE: He's allergic to penicillin. CUDDY: The first aid kit has two epi pens. [House looks at Peng writhing in pain in his seat.] HOUSE: If he has a severe reaction, ten epi pens won't save him. [holds out the pills] You take the pills. CUDDY: He's worse. HOUSE: He's a guy who doesn't speak English. CUDDY: [weak but firm] Give him the meds. HOUSE: [arguing] If it's not meningitis, we're risking his life and flushing meds down the toilet. CUDDY: Then do an LP on him. If it's clear, you win. If it's cloudy, he gets the augmentin and we risk a reaction. HOUSE: [nods] Sounds like a plan. Oh, except for the part where we don't have an LP needle. Oh, and the shaking of the plane means I'll probably pierce his spinal cord and cripple him for life, but, [shrugs] I mean, it totally sounds like a plan. CUDDY: [deadpan] You're right. Let him die. Give me the meds. [House, not ready to let Peng die, considers his plan of action.] [PPTH, Fran's Room. Cameron and Chase prepare to perform an LP on Fran. Cameron turns Fran over onto her side. Chase gloves up, while the camera pans over to a covered cart. Chase removes the cover, exposing a full tray of sophisticated equipment. The camera slowly pans more to the left as we...] [Flight, First-Class Cabin. The airline-available equivalent of the fore-mentioned equipment. There's a napkin, a plastic sht glass, a paper napkin, a packed syringe, a small alcohol bottle and a box of disposable vinyl gloves. House goes over his makeshift "LP kit", then takes off his yellow Hawaiian shirt and tosses it aside. He unpacks the syringe.] [PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase swabs Fran's back with iodine and puts the swab back in the tray along with the other used swabs. He picks up the encased LP needle and removes the cover.] [Flight, First-Class Cabin. House, wearing the vinyl gloves, removes the cap off the syringe.] [PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase prepares to push the LP needle into Fran's back.] [Flight, First-Class Cabin. House prepares to do the same to Peng.] [PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase lowers the needle towards the desired spot.] [Flight, First-Class Cabin. While Cuddy watches, House holds the syringe inches away from Peng's rash- covered back. Suddenly, the plane starts to experience turbulence. House's hand freezes. The turbulence stops.] [PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase inserts the needle into Fran's back, while Cameron watches.] [Flight, First-Class Cabin. House inserts the syringe (sans plunger) into Peng's back. [PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase picks up the test tube to collect the spinal fluid.] [Flight, First-Class Cabin. House picks up the plastic sht glass for the same purpose.] [PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase collects Fran's spinal fluid in the test tube.] [Flight, First-Class Cabin. Peng's spinal fluid drips from the plungerless syringe into the sht glass. The sample collected, House raises the glass to see it against the light.] [PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase finishes the LP.] CHASE: Got it. [He raises the test tube to see it against the light.] CAMERON: Damn. [Flight, First-Class Cabin. House shakes the sht glass gently.] CUDDY: What is it? HOUSE: Shut up. Don't get hysterical. CUDDY: [too late] Just tell me what the hell it is! House! [House looks like an epiphany has just struck.] CUDDY: [accusingly] We should have turned back. We should have turned back! [House, still ignoring Cuddy, stands.] CUDDY: [frantic] House! [House opens the curtain and steps into the Economy-class cabin, still carrying Peng's spinal fluid in the sht glass.] HOUSE: [to Air Cameron] Hold this. [He hands her the sht glass. She looks less than thrilled to hold it, despite not knowing what it is. He picks up the receiver to the PA system to address the anxious passengers.] HOUSE: [over PA system, somberly] Ladies and gentlemen, we have a passenger with a confirmed case of bacterial meningitis. [Shocked murmurs all around.] HOUSE: [over PA system] And even if we land as soon as possible, the passenger will not survive. It's very likely that some of you have been infected as well. [Some passengers start to break down.] HOUSE: [over PA system] As soon as you start feeling symptoms, we need to isolate you in the first class cabin. [Some people start coughing.] HOUSE: [over PA system, rattling off the symptoms] Fever, rash,... [Some passengers start looking for rashes on their bodies.] HOUSE: [over PA system, continuing]... nausea, and in the late stages... [He waits a bat. The passengers brace for the last symptom.] HOUSE: [over PA system]... tremor in the left hand. [People start panicking heavily, their left hands trembling visibly.] FRIGHTENED PASSENGER 1: I have that! JOY: [watching her own trembling left hand] Oh, god. FRIGHTENED PASSENGER 2: [watching his left hand shake] No! [The passengers generally start to go to pieces.] KEO: [worried, to House] What do we do? HOUSE: Break out the bubbly. [yells] Yo! Listen up! [The passengers stops panicking for a moment and look at House hopefully.] HOUSE: [over PA system] Bad news is you have an illness. The good news is, it's not meningitis. [Sighs of relief all around.] HOUSE: [over PA system] It's not fatal. It's just embarrassing. It's conversion disorder. More commonly known as mass hysteria. [In the first-class cabin, Cuddy looks behind weakly.] HOUSE: It happens often in high anxiety situations, especially to women. [Clueless wife looks offended.] HOUSE: I know it sounds sexist, but science says you're weak and soft, [chuckling] what can I do? CUDDY: House, you're wrong! JOY: [holding out her trembling left hand, hysterically] Look at my hand. HOUSE: Yeah, look at her hand. Shaking left hand. What is that a symptom of? Not meningitis. It's basically a symptom of nothing. Put the idea into their heads and watched it happen. Same thing that Peng cruelly did with the puking and the rash. JOY: The rash is in my head? HOUSE: Your mind controls your body. It thinks you're sick, it makes you sick. [Cuddy purses her lips, feeling foolish. However, the passengers still seem flustered.] HOUSE: [over PA system] If-if you'll all just calm down, your symptoms will soon go away. And to facilitate this process, your flight crew will move through the cabin with a complimentary bar service. [Keo, a relieved smile on her face, goes to make it happen.] HOUSE: [over PA system] Thank you and, as always, have a pleasant flight. [House sits next to Cuddy.] HOUSE: Still feel like puking? CUDDY: No. [House leans across her and raises her chair's backrest, until she's only inches away from him. Then, he opens the window, letting the light come in.] CUDDY: How did you know? HOUSE: LP was negative. I came up with an alternate theory and I tested it. Couldn't have done it without you. Rage is a symptom of mass hysteria. Just one more thing to clean up. Peng set off the mass hysteria. What set off Peng? [They look at Peng, who lies on the floor, still writhing.] CUDDY: He really is dying. HOUSE: Yeah. And I haven't the faintest idea why. [Flight, Economy-Class Cabin. House adds one more symptom to Air Whiteboard - "Extensor Posturing". The Air Ducklings are seated in the front row, in front of the Air Whiteboard. Cuddy sits at the side, her hair a mess.] AIR CHASE: What's "extension pastoring"? HOUSE: It's when you're molested by a priest's cousin. CUDDY: [looking at the Air(-headed) Ducklings, aside to House] Do we really need these three? HOUSE: Worried they'll make you look bad? Could be symptomatic of head trauma, cerebral infarction or intercranial hemorrhage. Thoughts? AIR CAMERON: [arms folded, curtly] How long till we land? HOUSE: Too long to wait. His head's as smooth as a baby's bottom. No bumps, so I think we can rule out head trauma. So you gotta choose between what's left. Clog or leak? AIR FOREMAN: [perking up] Errr... you're talking of toilet? CUDDY: House, is this actually helpful? HOUSE: Not so far. CUDDY: What about syphilis? HOUSE: First of all, he apparently speaks a language that no one else speaks. Which makes talking up the ladies a little rough. [He pops a Vicodin.] CUDDY: We're flying out of Singapore. If he has a credit card and a condom, he can get anything he wants. AIR CAMERON: Eww. [House looks like he's had another epiphany.] CUDDY: What? HOUSE: Condoms. He has focal limb paralysis. AIR CHASE: His legs got paralyzed by a condom? HOUSE: No, by cocaine. Was inside the condom, is now spreading through his digestive tract. AIR CAMERON: [doesn't like the graphic description] Eww. CUDDY: You think he's a mule. HOUSE: I think he's a jackass. We're gonna have to operate. AIR CHASE: [enthused] Cool. [PPTH, Operating Room. Fran, unconscious, her head shaved, is wheeled into the OR. The doctors prepare to transfer her from the gurney to the table. The camera pans upwards to the Observation deck, from where Chase and Cameron watch.] [Observation deck.] CHASE: They're gonna kll her. CAMERON: We were wrong. Which means Foreman was right. CHASE: Maybe Foreman's right about us too. Maybe we should just stop all this. I mean, if it's affecting our jobs. CAMERON: [brushing it off] It's not affecting our jobs. CHASE: We had sex in a patient's bedroom. A bedroom we were examining for toxins. Yeah, our judgment's right on the mark. CAMERON: All right, no more sex at patient's homes. No more sex with cats watching. Anywhere else you wanna cross off the list? [It's Chase's turn to have an epiphany.] CHASE: The bowl. CAMERON: What? CHASE: [looking down at Fran] Has she eaten since she's been here? CAMERON: She's been sick since she's been here. CHASE: What if it's a symptom? CAMERON: Why would you think...? CHASE: The bowl was full. [Chase leaves the room. Cameron still looks confused.] [Flight, Flight Attendants Cabin. House prepares a makeshift "scalpel", by taping a razor to a pen. He pulls out a small bottle of alcohol and tosses it to Air Chase. Peng, in his vest and boxers, lies on the floor, still writhing. The Air Ducklings, Keo and Cuddy are huddled around him.] HOUSE: You're gonna need to hold him down. He's not gonna like this. [House, carrying a tray of other possibly necessary makeshift "instruments", steps over Peng and kneels down next to him.] CUDDY: D'you really think he's a mule? HOUSE: Fits the symptoms. [House leans over and takes a pair of vinyl gloves from the top of a cabinet.] AIR CAMERON: You sure he's not contagious? HOUSE: [gloving up] Pretty much. AIR CAMERON: Can't be "pretty much" sure. Means you're not sure. HOUSE: Oh, aren't you clever? [He lifts up Peng's vest, exposing his rash-covered stomach.] HOUSE: [motioning to Air Chase] C'mon. [Air Chase twists open the bottle of alcohol and gives it to House.] HOUSE: [to Peng] Well, I know you're "pretty much" [looks at Air Cameron] unconscious, but as it's been pointed out to me, "pretty much" doesn't mean squat. [House forces the bottle into Peng's mouth. Peng gurgles as he ingests the alcohol.] [PPTH, Operating Room. The anaesthesiologist gently places a mask on her face. She opens her eyes for a bit, but then closes them as the anaesthesia takes effect.] [Fran's Home. Chase, wearing an oxygen mask, walks. He comes up to Harrington's basket, but it's empty. The bowl however is still full. Chase enters the bedroom and sees poor Harrington, lying dad on the top of the chest of drawers. A moment of silence for the cat, please...] [Fran's Basement. Chase enters the basement. It's dark, in spite of a single glowing lightbulb. He looks in a corner and sees one end of a pipe, sticking out of the wall. The other end is nowhere in sight. Chase gets up.] [PPTH, Operating Room. Wilson and Foreman, all scrubbed and masked up, enter. The surgeons start to clamp Fran's head to the table, so they can drill into her skull. A doctor brings the surgical lights over her.] [Flight, Flight Attendants Cabin. While Keo shines a flashlight on Peng's stomach, House, "scalpel" hovering over Peng's stomach, gives Cuddy an unsure look. Cuddy returns the look.] HOUSE: Okay, hold him tight. [The Air Ducklings and Cuddy press down on his limbs. Air Chase is on his right shoulder, Air Cameron is on his left shoulder, Air Foreman is on his legs and Cuddy is on his left arm. House is on his right arm.] HOUSE: The faster we do this, the less likely he is to die of shock. [Air Cameron presses down and looks away. House's hand shakes as he's about to make an incision.] HOUSE: Tighter. [Air Chase pushes down fully on Peng's right shoulder. He suddenly lets go for a second. Peng grimaces in pain. Air Chase reapplies the pressure to the shoulder. Peng seems to relax a bit. House notices the strange response.] AIR CHASE: Sorry. HOUSE: Do that again. Ease off, then press down. [Air Chase does so, raising his hands slightly. Peng starts to groan in agony. Air Chase pushes down again. Peng seems less in pain now. House pushes down his right knee, Peng gives a sigh of relief, but when the pressure is removed, he starts groaning again. House tries it again and gets the same response.] HOUSE: [to Cuddy] Pressure on his joints relieves his pain. CUDDY: Okay...? HOUSE: Wrong again. [looking around] Where's his wallet? [Cuddy looks puzzled.] [PPTH, Operating Room. Foreman uses a marker to draw a circle on Fran's head, to mark the spot to cut. Wilson watches. Foreman incises the spot with a scalpel and pulls it open slowly with a forceps. He then picks up a drill and tests it to make sure it's running. He looks at Wilson, who nods back. Cameron watches from the Observation Deck.] [Fran's backyard/Neighbour's house. Chase walks quickly outside Fran's home to a cellar. He opens the cellar door and sees the pipe under it. Chase goes over to a hedge, separating Fran's home from the neighbour's. The pipe is connected the neighbour's house. Chase runs over to the neighbour's door, on which a notice is tacked. It reads: "DANGER: PREMISES HAVE BEEN FUMIGATED WITH METHYL BROMIDE NO ADMITTANCE FOR 72 HOURS". Chase removes a note tacked on top of the notice and quickly read it. He immediately pulls out his cell- phone and dials.] [PPTH, Operating Room. Cameron, on the Observation Deck, listens into her cellphone. Just as Foreman is about to start drilling, she knocks on the glass, getting the attention of the doctors below. Foreman stops the drill. Cameron runs over.] [Flight, First-Class Cabin. House pulls out a card from Peng's wallet. He and Cuddy look at it.] HOUSE: Scuba certification card. [He hands it to Cuddy and keeps rummaging through the wallet. He finds a piece of paper, which he finds interesting.] CUDDY: Big deal.I have one of these. HOUSE: Yeah. You also have a receipt from Tekong's Scuba Rental dated yesterday? [Cuddy sighs, understanding.] CUDDY: [to Keo] Tell the captain to drop as low as he can under five thousand feet. KEO: We're at thirty eight thousand. We can't... CUDDY: Peng's got the bends. HOUSE: Went diving yesterday. Like an idiot, he surfaced too quickly. Like a bigger idiot, he boarded a flight which is pressurized to 8,000 feet above sea level. Low pressure is klling him. Tell the pilot to dive until we can club baby seals out of the window. [Keo starts to leave to inform the captain.] HOUSE: And get him some oxygen. [Keo nods and leaves. House sits down, tired.] [Fran's Room. Fran lies in her bed, listening to Wilson and Chase.] CHASE: Fifty years ago, it was one estate. The two homes shared an electrical system. Unfortunately, the exterminator didn't know that. So when they fumigated next door, the poison gas flowed through the old pipe and into your house. WILSON: The scopolamine patch was masking the effects of the poison. You'll have to stay here for a few more days, but after that you should be fine. [Fran tearfully touches the bandaged portion of her shaved head.] CHASE: I'm sorry about your cat. WILSON: And your hair. FRAN: [contemplative] For twelve years, Harrington never left the property. I thought I was being punished for going away, but really... I was being punished for coming home. [Wilson and Chase look at her sympathetically.] [Flight, near the exit. The flight's landed.Peng is strapped to a gurney. So he can't do anything but groan when House takes his oxygen mask and puts it to his own face and takes a deep breath. He returns it to Peng's face. He motions to the paramedic to start moving. Peng is wheeled out. House exhales heavily, leaning against the flight attendant's cabinet. Passengers file past him. Cuddy comes up, smiling brightly. She hands him his bag.] CUDDY: Thank you. HOUSE: I saved your life. You owe me. CUDDY: I wasn't sick. HOUSE: But you didn't know that. You owe me. CUDDY: I know it now. HOUSE: Your mind convinced your body to get a rash, photophobia and vomit. How d'you know it wouldn't have shut down your cold, cold heart next? CUDDY: [smiling, shaking her head] I don't owe you. HOUSE: [complaining] You're mean. [Shouldering his bag, he walks off.] CUDDY: That's how I compensate for being weak... soft. [She puts on her jacket and goes for her bag. House, entering the aerobridge, sits on a wheelchair, manned by Keo.] KEO: Just wanted to say thank you. [Cuddy stops.] HOUSE: You're extremely welcome. KEO: I'm in New York every Monday. HOUSE: [intrigued] Are you handicap-accessible? [Cuddy looks partly jealous, partly bewildered, as Keo wheels House away.] CUE MUSIC: "Hope for the Hopeless" by Fine Frenzy. [PPTH, Wilson's Office. Wilson looks at the paper Robin had given him. Her number is 609-555-0144. He picks up the phone and dials the number.] WILSON: [into phone] Hi, Robin? This is, um, uhh, Dr. Wilson, F-Fran's doctor. James. [bat] It was a toxin. We caught it on time and she's gonna be fine. [bat] Yeah, it is. [b*at] Uh, listen, I was just wondering if you were coming back in again to visit. [PPTH, Outside. Night. Cameron and Chase leave for home.] CAMERON: Nice catch. CHASE: Thanks. CAMERON: Think even House would be impressed. CHASE: I don't know about that. CAMERON: [suggestively] Any idea how you want to celebrate? [She smiles cheerfully, but Chase seems to have something on his mind.] CAMERON: What? CHASE: I want more. CAMERON: [joking] I thought you were getting a little worn out, but... CHASE: That's not what I meant. CAMERON: [losing the smile] I know. I was just hoping you'd take the hint and pretend you never said that. CHASE: I want this to be more than it is. CAMERON: I thought we were clear. CHASE: In the beginning, but you can't tell me you don'... CAMERON: [interrupting] Yes, I can. And I don't. It was... fun. That's it. [She looks at him ruefully.] CAMERON: And now it's over. [She walks away, leaving a downcast Chase.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x18 - Airborne"}	foreverdreaming
[In a day care centre, lots of kids doing various activities like painting, one kid has a very bloody nose and his teacher is futilely trying to stop the bleeding.] JANIE: Jasper hold still. [Jasper continues to squirm.] Stop squirming. [Jasper's Dad walks in.] DERAN: What did he do now? JANIE: He got in another fight and I can't get his nose to stop bleeding. DERAN: You have to apply much more pressure than that. [Deran takes over. Jasper starts coughing.] [To Jasper.] You had to do this today. I got office hours, supposed to have dinner with the Dean, you just can't lash out whenever you get angry. JASPER: He said I smelt like a monkey. DERAN: Well you do, you can't refuse to take a bath and then ht kids who tell you that you smell. [Blood is still pouring from Jaspers nose.] Damn. [Grabs more tissues.] JANIE: Don't you think we should call 911? DERAN: No this isn't his first nosebleed. He'll be fine. [Little girl comes running over.] LUCY: Daddy! DERAN: Hey Lucy-Goosy. LUCY: I'm playing doctor. DERAN: So am I. Can you go back and play? [Lucy leaves. Deran turns his attention back on the bloody nose and squeezes harder.] JASPER: Ow. DERAN: [To Janie.] When was this fight? JANIE: Over 10 minutes ago. [Deran looks worried, nose is still bleeding.] JASPER: I feel dizzy. DERAN: [To Janie.] Maybe you should make that call. JANIE: OK. [Goes to get a phone.] [Lucy comes back, still playing doctor.] LUCY: Daddy, look. I can help. DERAN: No, that's great honey can you just please leave Daddy alone! [Lucy walks away. Janie comes back.] JANIE: They're sending an ambulance. [Deran takes the tissue away from Jasper's nose, it appears to have finally stopped bleeding. Deran looks relieved.] DERAN: Call them back. He'll be fine. [To Jasper.] How you feeling bud? You light headed? JASPER: Lucy. [Deran looks around to see Lucy lying flat on her back on the floor breathing very heavily. A bunch of kids rush over to her.] DERAN: Oh god. [Runs over to Lucy.] Lucy? Are you OK? Lucy? Lucy? Lucy? Lucy, are you OK? Lucy? Lucy? [Diagnostics Office. Evening. Ducklings are getting ready to leave. Cuddy walks past, looks into the Diagnostics office then continues on to enter House's office. House, who also looks ready to leave, sees her coming.] HOUSE: [Quietly to himself] Oh for god's sakes. [Cuddy walks through the door] Stop! Don't move. The way the soft evening light catches your eyes. [Cuddy smiles] The gentle caress of the dusk on her hair as you turn around and leave my office without giving me that file. CUDDY: [Comes in anyway.] Restrictive pericarditis. HOUSE: Boring. CUDDY: She's in Kindergarten. HOUSE: Less boring, or grandma's been held back a few years. CUDDY: It's calcified and she's hypertensive. HOUSE: Then get her into surgery. CUDDY: She already is in surgery. HOUSE: Tricky procedure, it's going to take all night. [House takes the file and throws it on his desk.] Sleep tight. [Starts to leave.] CUDDY: [Picks up the file and follows House.] No congenital defects, no health problems, but her heart is strangling itself. HOUSE: Fascinating, but since the pathology on the pericardium won't be back until after they remove it. [Cuddy gets in front of House and stops him moving by putting the file on his chest. House sighs and takes the file.] CUDDY: Get started on her blood, you can test for viral infections, bacteria... [House opens the door to the diagnostics office in Cuddy' face. Throws the file on the table.] HOUSE: [To the ducklings.] Round up the usual suspects. Amyloidosis, sarcoidosis, hemochromatosis... Heck, go wild, do all the osis's. [Ducklings don't look too pleased to be staying back.] [To Cuddy.] All taken care of, sleep tight. [Leaves.] [Cut to a visual of Lucy's surgery. Ducklings are watching from the observation deck.] FOREMAN: This thing is already all around her heart, if it gets into the muscle she's dad. CHASE: Best bet's Coxsackie virus, Parvovirus B19, CMV... CAMERON: Bacterial infection is more likely to turn constrictive it could be TB. CHASE: Right. Forgot about the part where she did time in Russian goulo. Her hematocrits elevated. CAMERON: Few extra blood cells means nothing she's probably just dehydrated. CHASE: Yes and I could assume 3 or 4 things to fit my theory too. CAMERON: She's sick, she obviously hasn't been drinking enough... FOREMAN: Enough! [Chase and Cameron stop and look at Foreman.] I take it you two aren't sleeping together anymore? We do what House said. We test for everything. CHASE: Good. [Hands Cameron the file.] Then I can go home. [Starts to leave.] CAMERON: Since when does we not include you? CHASE: Well House is going to call us all idiots anyway. Might as well be a well-rested idiot. [Leaves.] [Cut to House in diagnostics office talking to a very tired looking Cameron and Foreman.] HOUSE: You guys are idiots. CAMERON: Why? Because we stayed up all night doing exactly what you told us to do? HOUSE: No. Because you stayed up all night doing exactly what I told you to do and have nothing to show for it. FOREMAN: We eliminated dozens of wrong answers. HOUSE: I asked you what 2 + 2 equals and a day later you tell me not 25. [Chase walks in looking well rested] CHASE: The pathology report just got filed. Found granulomas in Lucy's pericardium. [Hands House the report.] Could be a case of fungal infection. HOUSE: Nice work. CAMERON: He went home! HOUSE: Work smart, not hard. [Chase smiles at Cameron.] Find out which fungus, biopsy a lymph node. Take employee of the month with you. CAMERON: I would rather Foreman... HOUSE: I know. [Walks into his office.] [Cameron and Chase glare at each other.] [Aerial of PPTH, Morning.] [Cut to Chase in Lucy's room doing the biopsy.] LUCY: I don't want any more shts. JASPER: [Imitating Lucy while playing his PSP.] I don't want any more shts. DERAN: Jasper. [To Lucy.] Look at me goosy, squeeze my hand, ok? [Lucy nods.] CHASE: This will tell us why you are sick so we can make you all better. DERAN: [To Cameron.] Where would she pick up a fungus? CAMERON: Anywhere moist. Around a pool, locker room, public shower... DERAN: She doesn't have any gym or swim classes, she doesn't even like to play with kids outside. CAMERON: You haven't taken any trips, gone anywhere new? DERAN: It's been hard to get away, since their Mum... JASPER: Our Mum's dad. CAMERON: I'm sorry. DERAN: Last year, brain cancer. [Chase grabs the biopsy needle.] JASPER: You're going to stick that thing in her arm? Cool! CAMERON: The cool part is, your sister won't feel a thing. [Chase starts the biopsy. Jasper's attention suddenly turns to Cameron.] JASPER: Nice necklace. CAMERON: Thanks. JASPER: You like video games? CAMERON: Love them. [Jasper smiles, Chase finishes the biopsy] CHASE: That should do it. You OK? LUCY: I want my bunny. [Cameron grabs the bunny and holds it out to Lucy, Lucy tries to grab it but misses. Then tries again and misses again.] DERAN: Are you being silly? LUCY: I Didn't know which one to take. [Camera shows us Lucy's point of view, she has double vision.] [Camera goes back to normal] DERAN: [Looking worried.] What do you mean? [To Cameron and Chase.] What's happening? [Lucy looks scared.] [Cut to House and Ducklings in Diagnostics Office] HOUSE: So, what does the double vision tell us? CAMERON: Slit lamp revealed the eyes anterior chamber is swollen, uveitis, means it's not a post op effect and it's not neurological. CHASE: It's not fungal either, lymph node biopsy was clean. HOUSE: So we're back to square one. FOREMAN: One and a half. We've eliminated two more conditions. HOUSE: Yes, 2+2 doesn't equal 12 or 16 either. FOREMAN: Vision issues plus screwy heart equals some type of autoimmune. Lupus and Kawasakis are the most common in a 6 year old. CHASE: [Scoffs] Yeah, tough to find a 6 year old who doesn't have Lupus or Kawasakis. HOUSE: Did you look at her knees? [Ducklings look confused] HOUSE: Those knobby things in the middle of her legs, any scars or scabs? FOREMAN: What does that have to do with... HOUSE: Well most 6 year olds hurt themselves, a lot. Crash their bikes, climb trees, bungee jump. DERAN: Dad said she doesn't like to run around outside. HOUSE: Because running around outside hurts. CAMERON: She didn't mention anything about... HOUSE: Most 6 year olds are not familiar with the phrase 'my joints feel inflamed'. So, 2+2 equals? [Cut to House and Wilson walking through the clinic doors.] HOUSE: Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. We're checking her ANA to confirm and giving her steroids to fix her vision. Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life, apparently worth 186 dollars. [House walks into exam room one, revealing a guy sitting on the table] [To the patient] Sorry, had to take a leak. WILSON: Oh I didn't know you were seeing a patient. HOUSE: It's an exam room, what did you think I was doing? WILSON: What you usually do - hiding from Cuddy. HOUSE: Well it'd be stupid to do it in here, there's a patient in here. [Wilson rolls his eyes.] [To the patient.] You been drinking more? PATIENT: Ah no, I, I.... HOUSE: [To Wilson who is still standing in the doorway] Guy's peeing all the time. Play. Interested? WILSON: Sure, want me to pick you up? HOUSE: I'm not going. WILSON: You said two tickets. HOUSE: You thought this was a date? [Turns back to the patient.] Any other symptoms? PATIENT: My stomach hurts, I have back pain and muscle aches, I feel dizzy [House pulls out the tickets and looks at them.] and I have trouble concentrating sometimes in class. WILSON: I really shouldn't... HOUSE: [Shows Wilson the tickets.] You want the tickets or not? WILSON: [Hesitating.] Why don't you want to go with me? HOUSE: It's a play. Dudes only go to plays if they're dragged by women they're hoping to see naked. WILSON: So why are you giving them to me? HOUSE: Maybe there's someone you want to see naked? WILSON: [Looks at what the play is.] All right. [Takes the tickets and leaves.] HOUSE: [Turns back to the patient.] Any fever? PATIENT: No. HOUSE: Anything in your pee other than pee? PATIENT: No. HOUSE: I'm going to need a urine sample. PATIENT: No! HOUSE: Yeah that last one wasn't a question. You might have diabetes... PATIENT: I can't pee in public. HOUSE: We have bathrooms. PATIENT: I can't pee in public bathrooms. HOUSE: Where can you pee? PATIENT: I only live a few miles from here. [Cut to Foreman talking to Deran in Lucy's room while she's asleep] DERAN: I though arthritis was for old people. FOREMAN: JRA is an autoimmune disease. Her body is attacking itself, causing inflammation in the joints, eyes and her heart. DERAN: Is it treatable? FOREMAN: It can be crippling but it can also go into complete remission, the good thing is we caught it early. It gives her the best chance to have a positive outcome. [Lucy sits up in bed and tries to say Daddy but quite cant get it out.] DERAN: Don't get up goosy, your stiches. [Runs over to get her to lie down again.] [Lucy tries to say something else but again fails] [Foreman runs over and looks in her eyes, Camera zooms in, goes through her eye and we see some sort of blood vessel shrivelling up and turning black. Camera comes back out to Foreman] FOREMAN: [To Deran.] She's having a stroke. [Cut to House, Foreman and Chase in Diagnostics Office again.] FOREMAN: The stroke was caused by a clot in her middle cerebral artery, started her on TPA, should dissolve the clot and hopefully prevent brain damage, but we wont know for sure until she regains consciousness. HOUSE: Or she has another stroke. Arthritis, heart disease, why can't this kid act her age? FOREMAN: JRA doesn't affect the blood, means the clots a symptom of something else. [Cameron walks in.] CAMERON: It's a symptom of polycythemia, she's fully hydrated and her blood's still thicker than pancake batter. HOUSE: Well thick blood explains the stroke, could also have caused an autoimmune response, which would explain the JRA kicking into gear but what explains the thick blood? FOREMAN: Lack of oxygen, forces the body to over produce red cells. HOUSE: What explains the lack of oxygen? CHASE: Carbon monoxide fumes, cigarette smoke. CAMERON: Doubt our patient's a smoker. CHASE: Dad could be. CAMERON: He's not. CHASE: [Scoffs.] He says he's not. HOUSE: Hey! Don't make me turn the hose on you two. Chase is right. You two go check the house, see if Dad's a closet Marlboro man. CAMERON: You're intentionally punishing us. HOUSE: By making you do your job? Does seem kind of cruel doesn't it? Take along a carbon monoxide detector to check for leaks and you [points to Foreman] start her on hydroxyurea to control her red blood cell production, take out a mark manual, medieval edition, tell you how to drain a pint or two so she doesn't clot again. [Cut to Chase and Cameron exiting the elevator, they walk towards the exit in awkward silence until Jasper runs up behind them.] JASPER: Dr. Cameron! [Cameron and Chase both turn around, Jasper is holding a big bunch of flowers.] I got you flowers, for helping my sister. CAMERON: [Taking the flowers.] That's so sweet. [Jasper smiles.] CHASE: Does your dad know you're down here? JASPER: Yes. CHASE: [Pulls the card out of the flowers and reads it out.] Congratulations on your bundle of joy. [To Cameron.] Something you forgot to tell me? [Puts the card back.] CAMERON: [To Jasper.] You should take these back to where you found them. JASPER: Okay. [Takes the flowers.] CHASE: [To a security guard.] Excuse me? Can you make sure these flowers and this kid both get back to where they belong? SECURITY GUARD: Sure. CHASE: Thanks. SECURITY GUARD: [To Jasper.] Lets go, c'mon. [Leads Jasper towards the elevators, Chase starts to leave but Cameron doesn't.] CAMERON: Wait. [Chase watches as she walks over to Jasper, takes a flower out of the bunch and kisses Jasper on the cheek, Jasper smiles broadly before looking at Chase, Cameron then walks off towards the exit smiling and smelling the flower as she passes Chase. Chase sighs then turns and follows.] [Cut to Foreman sticking a needle into Lucy's arm to drain some blood.] DERAN: So you're just draining blood from her? You're not testing it, you're not fixing it? FOREMAN: Your daughters vascular system is engorged with blood, draining some reduces the chances of another stroke. We're also starting her on a drug that suppresses the production of red cells so we don't have to keep doing this, good chance she'll make a full recovery. DERAN: She hasn't spoken yet. FOREMAN: Give her time. [Jasper enters the room followed by the security guard.] SECURITY GUARD: This your boy? DERAN: [To Jasper.] Where have you been? JASPER: Exploring. [To the security guard.] Seeya. [Security Guard nods to Deran.] DERAN: Thank you. [Security guard leaves.] [To Jasper.] You know you just can't run off without telling me. JASPER: Ok. Can I have two dollars? [Deran shakes his head.] [Cut to Cameron and Chase in Lucy's home searching for toxins. Cameron looks in the oven.] CHASE: Oven's a long sht. You'd smell the gas long before anyone got sick. CAMERON: Yeah right, House loves it when we skip something because it's a long sht. [Closes the oven and checks the stove.] CHASE: Why did you take the flower? Why'd you kiss him? CAMERON: He did something sweet. CHASE: He STOLE flowers! CAMERON: He's eight. CHASE: You're trying to make me jealous. CAMERON: [Sarcastic.] Yeah, I want you to profess your love for me. Oh wait, you already did that and it caused me to end our relationship. [Glares at Chase.] CHASE: You're enabling a thief. [Cameron walks into another room.] And a delinquent! [Holding a file of papers follows Cameron.] Letters from school, fights, detentions, a parent conference, oh I know, I know, bad boys are hard to resist. CAMERON: It's a crush, it's harmless. CHASE: It's never harmless. CAMERON: So I'm learning. CHASE: [Sighs.] So this is us now? We snipe at each other? CAMERON: I'm not sniping I'm looking for a vent, her room's directly above the garage there's all sorts of CO sources down there. [Crawls under the bed.] I found a vent, I think there's something in it. CHASE: [Joining Cameron under the bed.] This isn't right. You dumped me you don't get to be mad. CAMERON: We had a really good thing, you broke the rules, I'm angry. I'll get over it. [Chase opens the vent and pulls out a pink bloody t-shirt.] [Cut to Ducklings in House's office.] CAMERON: She's being abused. FOREMAN: A bloody t-shirt doesn't equal abuse, kids get hurt all the time. CHASE: That amount of blood? FOREMAN: [Looking from Chase to Cameron] Oh crap. You two are agreeing again. CAMERON: Father's overwhelmed, hectic job, his wife passed away last year, he could easily be taking it out on the kids. FOREMAN: Or she had a nosebleed and grabbed a t-shirt. CHASE: She's so ashamed of a nosebleed she has to hide the evidence in a vent under her bed? CAMERON: She's socially isolated, the brother's always in trouble its classic signs... FOREMAN: But no physical signs. No marks on her body, no bruises at all. CAMERON: [Turns to House.] What if it's sexual? We should call social services. HOUSE: Well this sucks. Either it's abuse or it's not abuse. Which means either it's a symptom or it's completely irrelevant. Either way we have to waste half a day figuring out which. Full physical exam. Look for bruises we may have missed, check her mouth and do a vaginal exam. CHASE: We can't do a vaginal exam on a 6 year old without the Dad's consent and if he's abusing her he'll never say yes. HOUSE: Never is just reven spelt backwards. [Hands the t-shirt to Foreman and leaves.] [Cut to Foreman questioning Deran.] FOREMAN: Have you been abusing your daughter? DERAN: What? Why would you... FOREMAN: We found this. [Shows him the bloody t-shirt.] Hidden in a vent under her bed. DERAN: I don't know anything about this. Maybe she had a bloody nose? FOREMAN: We need to examine her for abuse. DERAN: You can't really think that I... FOREMAN: Maybe you, maybe the school bully, maybe the creepy neighbour. I'm guessing that you're not paying as much attention as you should be. Do you even know where your son is right now? DERAN: Yeah he was here just... [Starts to look around.] A minute ago. [Turns back to Foreman.] She isn't being abused. FOREMAN: Unfortunately that answer doesn't help me. If you have abused her you're obviously going to lie. DERAN: I'm not lying! FOREMAN: We need to do a vaginal exam. DERAN: No. She may be dying, she still can't talk and you're going to waste your time with THIS? FOREMAN: You consent and we waste a few hours doing an exam or you refuse and I call social services, and they waste three days doing an investigation, which ends with them doing the exam anyway. [Deran signs the form.] [Cut to Cameron closing the curtain to Lucy's room. She starts to perform the exam.] CAMERON: Ok I'm going to look inside your mouth, open wide. [Lucy does so.] Ok I'm going to look at your chest and your back next ok? [Cameron lifts Lucy up and checks her back.] I know you can't talk so stop me if you get scared. [Lies her back down turns her on her side and checks her chest and then her knees.] Before you came here did anyone hurt you? Make you bleed? [Lucy shakes her head.] I need to look in your vagina now, do you understand? I'm a doctor so it's ok, all right? Bend your knees, keep your ankles together and just let your knees fall to the side ok? [Cameron looks at her vagina and then looks shocked.] Oh my god. [Cut to ducklings entering the corridor through some doors. Cue walk and talk.] CAMERON: She has cuts all over her genital area, like slices, some are almost healed but some are new. CHASE: She could be doing it to herself. FOREMAN: She's a little young to be cutting. CHASE: She's a little young for a stroke. Depression accounts for the cuts, molestation accounts for the depression. FOREMAN: But do the cuts account for all that blood? CAMERON: They weren't deep enough. CHASE: So she's getting cut but that's not the source of the blood? FOREMAN: The other obvious source is forcible penetration. CHASE: The other obvious source of the blood but not the cuts. CAMERON: And there was no tearing, there's no evidence at all. CHASE: So we have no explanation for the cuts or the blood. [They reach House's office but he isn't there.] Where is he? FOREMAN: What if our original assumption was wrong? CAMERON: Meaning what? FOREMAN: We found a t-shirt covered with blood hidden in a heating vent. How do we know it's even hers? CHASE: Her Dad identified it. FOREMAN: Not the shirt. The blood. [Cut to House with the clinic patient from before. House is looking in a file.] PATIENT: Are those the urine test results? HOUSE: Yes. PATIENT: And... HOUSE: I'm going to ask you for some blood. PATIENT: Why? HOUSE: To see if your answer will be ' I can't bleed in public'. This wasn't your urine was it? PATIENT: Why would I give you someone else's urine? HOUSE: Usual reason is because you're on steroids. PATIENT: I'm not an athlete. HOUSE: Duh. The second favourite reason is because you're on drugs. PATIENT: I'm not. HOUSE: I am. Third favourite reason is because you have insurance but your friend Eggs Benedict doesn't. So Eggs describes a list of symptoms and you repeat them to a doctor. Which is particularly stupid because this is a free clinic. [Cuddy opens the door] CUDDY: Need you, now. [Leaves.] HOUSE: My work here is done. [Starts to leave.] PATIENT: Am, I, ok? Is it diabetes? HOUSE: No, you're pregnant. [House closes the door leaving him sitting there shocked, then walks over to Cuddy.] CUDDY: 6-year-old abuse victim and you haven't called social services? HOUSE: She might have been abused that's horrifying. Why are you wearing extra concealer under your eyes? CUDDY: The law's clear, you suspect abuse you call the authorities, you don't proceed as usual while the possible abuser sits by her bedside. HOUSE: Dad consented to the exam, which means it's not the Dad. How late were you out last night? CUDDY: It's always the Dad and I don't have a curfew. HOUSE: [Loudly.] Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel? CUDDY: I went to a play, [House is shocked.] House you are going back to your office, you are picking up your phone, calling social services and you are reporting suspected abuse, do you understand? HOUSE: What play? [Cut to Wilson eating a sandwich in the cafeteria. House walks in and sits down at his table.] HOUSE: You're trying to have sex with Cuddy. WILSON: [Looks at House.] Fries? HOUSE: You took her to a play, you only take women to plays because... WILSON: No, YOU only take women to plays for that reason. That's your theory. HOUSE: Ok, then why did you take her to a play? WILSON: She's a friend. HOUSE: A friend with a squish mitten. WILSON: It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without... HOUSE: Blasphemer! She's not a friend of the opposite sex she's a different species. [Takes a fry.] She's an administrator. She's going to eat your head after she's done. WILSON: Yes, I slept with her. HOUSE: [Shocked.] Seriously? WILSON: No. HOUSE: [Not convinced.] Yes you did. WILSON: [Quietly.] Yes I did. HOUSE: [Shocked.] Seriously? WILSON: No. You've got a problem House. [Foreman walks over to the table.] FOREMAN: We just tested the blood on Lucy's t-shirt, it's full of endometrial cells. HOUSE: It's not her blood. FOREMAN: We tested that too, it is. WILSON: Your 6-year-old patient? FOREMAN: It's menstrual blood, she's started puberty. [Cut to Cameron checking Lucy's stiches.] DERAN: How can someone start puberty before they even start the first grade? She was in diapers two years ago. CAMERON: For some reason her body has too much sex hormone, caused her reproductive system to get confused, start operating prematurely. We need to find out the source of the hormones and cut it off. DERAN: She's so young. I haven't even talked to her about sex, I doubt she even knows what a period is... Girls talk to their Mums about that. [Walks over and kneels beside Lucy's bed and strokes her face.] You're going to be OK goosy. I love you. LUCY: I... want... juice. [Deran is shocked, Cameron smiles.] [Cut to Ducklings in diagnostics office with House.] CAMERON: She got her period and didn't know what it was, she was scared and confused, a friend told her to put a t-shirt in her underwear. When she started growing pubic hair she snuck Daddy's razor and tried to shave it off. HOUSE: Apparently forgot to sneak the shaving cream. FOREMAN: A tumour's most likely, a pituitary adenoma would send her hormone levels sky high. CAMERON: In Puerto Rico in the 70's there was an epidemic of kids growing breasts because of estrogen in the poultry. CHASE: If it was in the food it would be an epidemic. We've got one kid. CAMERON: She's 6, she's tiny, she lives on chicken fingers and milk, Dad doesn't look like the type to read labels, he's probably buying stuff packed full of hormones. HOUSE: Excellent argument. [To Foreman] It's a tumour. CAMERON: There's all sorts of environmental sources. Pesticides, soy products, some shampoos are basically a placenta in a bottle. HOUSE: If the tumour's not in her brain it's in her reproductive tract. Get an MRI. [Gets up.] CAMERON: Can I at least... HOUSE: Waste your time? Wouldn't recognise you if you didn't. [Cut to Lucy in MRI. Foreman and Chase are watching the results.] FOREMAN: Frontal cortex is clean. Moving caudally. CHASE: For the record Cameron's the one who broke it off. FOREMAN: Not interested. No masses in the hypothalamus. CHASE: I wanted more. She didn't share my feelings. FOREMAN: I feel like I'm in a similar position. CHASE: Pituitary's clean. FOREMAN: You're an idiot. Either she's lying or she's actually emotionally detached, which one sounds more like Cameron to you? CHASE: Neither. FOREMAN: You have to choose one. There's a bright spot on her left ovary. Looks like a solid tumour. [Cut to House reading a magazine in the gift shop.] HOUSE: They printed my letter. [Pays for the magazine and starts to walk off, Wilson runs up behind him.] WILSON: You were right. HOUSE: Of course I was, what are we talking about. [Holds up the magazine.] They printed my letter. WILSON: Great. Cuddy. HOUSE: You want to see her naked. [They walk over to the doors to the Clinic.] WILSON: No no no, she wants to see ME naked. She sent me flowers. HOUSE: Just thanking you for the play. You see some people fell an emotion called gratitude. WILSON: There's a card. HOUSE: I suspected, explains how you knew who they were from. WILSON: [Pulls out the card and shows House.] Lets do it again. Soon. X X. Lisa. X's are the kisses right? HOUSE: No... I think they're the hugs. I think O's are the kisses. WILSON: No, no, X's are definitely the kisses. Soon is its own sentence. [Sees Cuddy in the clinic.] I got to go. [Walks off quickly.] HOUSE: I'll miss you. You were a good friend. [House walks into the clinic towards Cuddy. Holds up the magazine.] They printed my letter. How was the play Mrs Lincoln? CUDDY: What's up with Wilson? HOUSE: He's just a little freaked. CUDDY: Why? HOUSE: I sent him flowers. [Smiles. Cuddy looks confused.] [Cut to Cameron leaving the elevator walking towards the Diagnostics Office carrying two big plastic bags full of stuff to test. She sees Jasper on his way over to her.] CAMERON: Jasper you're not supposed to be up here. JASPER: Is that other doctor your boyfriend? CAMERON: No. Your Dad's probably looking for you, he's got enough to worry about right now. JASPER: Do you like him? CAMERON: He's a friend. JASPER: Do you LIKE him like him? CAMERON: We should get you back to your Dad let me put this down and I'll take you there. [She opens the door to the diagnostics office and puts the bags down while Jasper stares at her ass. She turns around and catches him.] JASPER: I could be your boyfriend. CAMERON: [Shocked.] I ... think that wouldn't be fair to the girls your own age. JASPER: He seems like a tool. CAMERON: He's not. And that's rude. I'm taking you back to your father. [Puts her arm around his shoulder and leads him towards the elevator. Jasper grabs her ass. She jumps away shocked. Jasper grins.] [Cut to Chase and Foreman doing a biopsy on Lucy.] FOREMAN: [Looking at the screen.] The mass is small. About a centimetre across. CHASE: fring the biopsy needle. [Monitors start beeping.] FOREMAN: You nick an artery? CHASE: No. FOREMAN: She's in VTAC, no pulse. [Grabs the paddles.] Charging 50! Clear! [Shocks Lucy.] Clear! [Shocks again.] Clear! [Shocks a third time. This time it works, he feels for a pulse.] [Cut to Ducklings in Lab.] CHASE: The arrhythmia must've been a reaction to the hydroxyurea, we have to stop the drug therapy. CAMERON: The bone marrow will just go back to over producing blood cells, she'll keep having strokes and we'll have to keep bleeding her, forever. CHASE: You resect the tumour, hormones levels go back to normal and her symptoms go away. FOREMAN: [Looks up from the microscope.] Great plan. Except the fact that her tumour's not a tumour. It's a benign cist. CAMERON: [Looks in the microscope.] If it's not a tumour that just leaves an environmental source. [They look over at the pile of stuff Cameron collected to test.] FOREMAN: I'm feeling another late night... I'm going to leave you two alone. [Starts to leave.] CAMERON: You're kidding me right? FOREMAN: What? The answer's right there it's just a question of finding it, you don't need me for that. [Leaves.] [Aerial of PPTH, Night.] [Cut to Chase putting coins into the coffee machine, Cameron walks over.] CAMERON: Don't get the mocha chino, somebody screwed up and put hot chocolate in the dispenser. CHASE: Thank you. CAMERON: You were right. An eight-year-old kid grabbed my ass. I shouldn't have encouraged him. CHASE: [Laughs.] Well, I was a boy once I know how they think. CAMERON: You were a pervert at 8? CHASE: Maybe... 11. [Laughs.] CAMERON: I didn't realise you were going to get hurt. I'm sorry I misled you. CHASE: You didn't. You have feelings for me. You come back to me again and again. CAMERON: For sex. It's a simple, physical... CHASE: C'mon, you have feelings for puppies and patients that you barely know but when it comes to a guy that you've worked with for 3 years? [Takes her hand.] Had sex with, spent the night with, you're telling me you feel nothing? Absolutely nothing? JASPER: [Running towards Chase, shouting.] Get away from her! Don't touch her! I'll kll you if you touch her. [Tackles Chase to the ground.] CAMERON: Jasper! CHASE: Get him off! [Cameron starts trying to pull Jasper off, Jasper bites Chase's arm and growls.] AHH! He's biting me! Get him off! AHH! [Cameron pulls him away, Chase looks at the big bite mark on his arm that is bleeding.] [Cut to House watching the wrestling on TV at home.] [Phone rings.] HOUSE: [Answers.] Somebody better be dying. [Cameron is bandaging Chase's arm in an exam room, the phone is on speaker.] CAMERON: Lucy's big brother's got a crush on me so he bit the crap out of Chase. HOUSE: And I care because? CHASE: Just thought you might want to know when one of your employees gets attcked by a sociopath. HOUSE: Bees or monkeys yes, sociopaths no. [House hangs up. Continues watching the wrestling. Suddenly he has an epiphany. He rings Cameron and Chase back.] CAMERON: Hello? HOUSE: He's not a sociopath. CAMERON: How do you know? HOUSE: He's acting logically. He's got a crush on you, he's being aggressive about it. Not just regular aggressive. He's out of his mind on hormones aggressive. CHASE: You think he's... HOUSE: Better figure out what's klling the girl cause her brother's got it too. [sht of Jasper getting an MRI.] [Cut to Ducklings and House in Diagnostics office.] CHASE: Jasper's got 100 times more testosterone than a healthy 8 year old but we scanned his brain and reproductive tract, no hormone secreting tumours. FOREMAN: Not surprised. What's more likely? Brother and sister get the same type of tumour at exactly the same time or they both play in the same toxic sandbox? CAMERON: Yes you would think that if for some reason you were completely unaware of the fact that we spent the entire night testing everything from that home, it was all negative. HOUSE: [To Foreman] You went home? [Foreman nods. House is pleased.] Good for you. Delegate. CAMERON: We're not his subordinates. HOUSE: Making it all the more impressive. CHASE: What if it's genetic? [Everyone looks at him.] What, anyone else think it's more than a coincidence these kids have symptoms that could be caused by a brain tumour which is exactly what klled their Mum? FOREMAN: You just said there were no tumours. We scanned both their brains. CHASE: They looked clean, so did their Mum's until it didn't. CAMERON: It can't be genetic. Mum had none of the same symptoms. CHASE: Yes she did, if the symptoms were pubic hair and menstruation. CAMERON: [Turns to House.] That's ridiculous, if menstruation is a symptom of brain cancer then I should be on chemo right now. HOUSE: That's ridiculous, you're way too skinny to be menstruating. CHASE: What if the Mum had other problems? Symptoms her doctors ignored on account of the fact she was already dying. [Everyone looks at House.] HOUSE: Pull all of her medical records, find any similarities to our patients, and punch the little brat on the nose so he doesn't have a stroke like his sister. [Walks off towards his office.] [Cut to Foreman draining blood out of Jasper.] JASPER: I'm not sick. FOREMAN: Just trying to keep you that way. JASPER: I want Dr. Cameron to do mine. FOREMAN: [Laughs.] Trust me, you don't want her cutting you right now. [Finishes what he's doing walks over to where Deran is standing.] DERAN: So Jasper's behavioural issues? FOREMAN: Could be a function of the increased testosterone, hopefully, he'll be a delight, as soon as we figure this out. LUCY: [From the next room.] My tummy hurts, it hurts! [Foreman and Deran both walk over to see what's wrong.] JASPER: No it doesn't. Don't be such a baby. LUCY: My tummy hurts! FOREMAN: Where on your tummy? LUCY: [Starts yelling.] It hurts! It hurts! [Screams.] [Cut to Foreman showing House Lucy's scans in radiology. Chase and Foreman are sitting at the table going through her Mum's records.] FOREMAN: Stomach pain is from a cyst in her pancreas. Found two more in her kidneys and one in her lung. They weren't there 48 hours ago. The hormones are making her body go haywire. HOUSE: If she gets one in her brain or heart she's dad. [Turns to Cameron and Chase.] No pressure though. CHASE: Mum was perfectly healthy until she got cancer. She had none of the symptoms the kids have. CAMERON: It's not genetic, it's not environmental, it's got to be a pituitary adenoma. HOUSE: Yes, that would make complete sense if they had one. CAMERON: Just because we haven't found anything on the scan doesn't mean it's not there. We should remove her pituitary gland. HOUSE: Two siblings, same condition, its got to be genetic or environmental, we add in the same time and we're back to just environmental. CHASE: Yes and that would make complete sense if there was anything in her environment. HOUSE: Just because we haven't found anything yet. FOREMAN: She's been out of her environment for 4 days and she's still getting worse. [They all look at each other for a couple seconds.] CAMERON: I'm getting the father's consent. [Starts to leave.] HOUSE: No! [Cameron stops.] We have no evidence. CAMERON: This is YOUR process House. You asked us what 2 + 2 is, we've eliminated every number except for 4. She needs brain surgery. [Leaves.] [Cut to Cameron getting the consent off Deran.] CAMERON: The ovaries produce sex hormones in response to a signal from the pituitary gland. Since we know the ovaries are fine the most likely cause... HOUSE: [Interrupting.] Most likely means she wants to root around inside your little girl's brain without any guarantee that it will work, that's why she's holding off on doing your son. CAMERON: Dr. House knows that unfortunately we've ruled out every other option. We need to resect Lucy's pituitary before... HOUSE: Who else visits these kids? CAMERON: They don't have any family in town. HOUSE: You got a girlfriend? DERAN: No one visits. HOUSE: School? CAMERON: They don't go to the same school, House I... HOUSE: Nanny? CAMERON: They don't have one. DERAN: They go to an after school day care but none of the other kids are sick. HOUSE: Yet. It took your son twice as long to develop symptoms as your daughter, maybe the other kids are just slow. CAMERON: We wait and your daughter may die. HOUSE: She does this and your daughter will need hormone replacement therapy for the rest of her life. CAMERON: The treatments are extremely effective, she should lead a relatively normal life. HOUSE: And isn't that every parents dream, to have a kid grow up to be relatively normal. CAMERON: My husband died of thyroid cancer that metastasised to his brain. I've been there. I know how terrifying this can be. I am telling you this is your best chance to save your daughters life. HOUSE: [In Cameron's ear.] You did NOT just play the dad husband card. [To Deran.] My wife died because she signed a consent form that I didn't want her to sign. Died. [Deran signs the form, gives it to Cameron.] CAMERON: Thank you. [Leaves.] [Deran walks off in the other direction.] HOUSE: How did you know? DERAN: [Stops and turns around.] Know what? HOUSE: That the other kids weren't sick, you've been here for 4 days. DERAN: I just... I would've heard. [Leaves.] HOUSE: Right... [Cut to the Day Care Centre. A big blue ball rolls away from a little girl who runs after it, just when she goes to pick it up House sticks his foot on it, she looks up at him.] HOUSE: [Smiles.] Do you have hair on your special place? LITTLE GIRL: Miss Janie! [Runs off.] [Janie walks over to House.] JANIE: Can I help you? HOUSE: I'm a doctor, two of your kids are sick and I need to know why. JANIE: You think they got sick here? HOUSE: I think you're dating their Dad. JANIE: He told you? HOUSE: No, but I don't really care why he didn't I just need to know how often you go to their house and what you bring. JANIE: I don't. HOUSE: Shampoos, fancy soaps, kids get in your bag? JANIE: I've never been to their house. They just lost their Mum, and we thought it was too soon. [House stares at her rash just above her lip.] Why are you staring at me? HOUSE: Lip wax? JANIE: I just had it done over lunch. HOUSE: [Grabs her hand.] Mani-pedi? JANIE: [Pulls her hand back.] No, just the wax. HOUSE: Women get a wax as part of a whole self-indulgent beauty ritual, pedicure, steam, cucumber masks. No one runs out at lunch just to get a lip wax, unless you woke up looking like Yosemite Sam. JANIE: You're an ass. [House pulls out his phone. Cameron answers.] CAMERON: Cameron. HOUSE: It's always the Dad. [Cut to House talking to Deran outside Lucy's room.] HOUSE: Excess facial hair in women, it's a clear sign of hormonal imbalance, exactly what the little kiddies have. DERAN: Is there something wrong at the Day Care Centre? HOUSE: There's something wrong in your pants. DERAN: Oh... She's a lot younger than I am, I... use a male enhancement cream to keep up with her. What does this have to do with... HOUSE: Never occurred to you to get a prescription instead of some penis pumper loaded with testosterone? DERAN: I keep it at the gym. I apply it daily in the shower just like it says on the bottle. It's never been in my home it's obviously never been near the kids. HOUSE: But you have. DERAN: We've been through that I'm not a pervert or a paedophile. HOUSE: 30% of our waste is excreted through our skin. That sounds high. That's why you stink after eating garlic. Jack waters his beanstalk everyday for a week and he's oozing bean curd out of his pores for a month. Every time you gave the little tykes a hug you gave them a dose of testosterone, small for you but more then their little bodies could handle. DERAN: So... I did this to them? [House nods.] Just holding their hands? HOUSE: Uh-huh. DERAN: If I stop using it? HOUSE: You'll be floppy, they'll be fine. [Looks at Jasper teasing Lucy by not letting her get her bunny.] He'll still be eight. [Pops a pill.] [Aerial of PPTH, Night.] [Cut to House in his office sitting behind his desk with his glasses on reading the magazine from before. Wilson walks in, sits down in front of him and starts rubbing his eyes and face like he's in pain.] HOUSE: [Takes off his glasses.] You ok? WILSON: Yeah I think so. HOUSE: [Puts the magazine down.] Talk to Cuddy? WILSON: No not yet! [Takes his hands off his face.] I don't know what to say. HOUSE: Just... be straight with her. WILSON: I'm not sure what that is. I... I can't stop thinking about her. HOUSE: [Trying not to smile.] In what way? WILSON: Maybe she's right, maybe... maybe this is worth exploring? HOUSE: [Still trying fairly successfully to keep a straight face.] You sure she feels... WILSON: She sent me flowers! How do I do this? What do I say? HOUSE: Cameron would tell you to say how you feel. Me, I'd get her drunk. WILSON: [Thinks.] I'm not going to say anything. I'm just going to walk into her office, and I'm going to kiss her. [Slaps his hand as if to say and that's that.] HOUSE: [Struggling to keep a straight face he has to cover his mouth with his hand.] That's... a bold move, Cuddy likes bold. Yeah your right, if you spoke you'd say something stupid. WILSON: Yeah, and I'll either get a girlfriend or get fired. [Looks at House, he doesn't say anything.] Ok... yea... ok... [Gets up and leaves, House almost bursts out laughing while Wilson is on his way out. Once Wilson is gone he goes to take a sip of his coffee, suddenly Wilson bursts back in, pointing at him] You, you you you! You were going to let me do that?! HOUSE: [Laughs.] Well you made a compelling argument. WILSON: YOU sent those flowers to me! HOUSE: Yes because, you took her to a play [Wilson throws his arms up in the air.] because actually you do want to march down there and kiss her. WILSON: No! I don't! HOUSE: Yes you do. WILSON: [Sighs.] You're right. HOUSE: [Shocked.] Seriously? WILSON: No. [House smiles.] You're a jerk. [Wilson leaves.] HOUSE: Night Wilson. WILSON: Night House. [House smiles and goes back to reading his magazine.] [Cut to Chase getting ready to leave in the locker room, Cameron walks in and notices flowers on top of her locker, the card reads 'Not Stolen'. Cameron smiles and takes them down.] CAMERON: They're beautiful. [She walks a few steps closer to Chase.] I thought about what you said, and ... I really don't want a relationship with you. CHASE: I know. I also know you like flowers. [They smile at each other Chase leaves, Cameron looks at the flowers.] [sht of the whole family, Lucy Jasper Deran and Janie, leaving the elevator looking happy.] [Cut to House and Cuddy watching them from the 2nd level balcony.] CUDDY: I don't get the whole May - December thing. HOUSE: Give me a break, it's May - October at worst. CUDDY: Well why can't it be October - October? HOUSE: May is when things start to get hot. CUDDY: [Laughs.] If that guy wasn't trying so hard to keep up with a women half his age he wouldn't have almost k*lled both his kids. HOUSE: Guy gets a little something-something, couple of kids have to die, circle of life. CUDDY: So many people, so much energy and drama just trying to find someone who's almost never the right person anyway. It just... shouldn't be so hard. HOUSE: I got tickets to a play...	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x19 - Act Your Age"}	foreverdreaming
[Start on a busy street, where a man is doing card tricks on the sidewalk.] Man: Ladies and gentlemen, step around, step around, come on, gather ‘round, gather around, let me show you a little way to make a little easy money today, you understand what I’m saying? These are the blacks, don’t wanna follow the blacks, you wanna follow the queen, you know why, because she’s red, and that means she is hot! So you gotta find the queen, find the queen. The first to play is free today, so who wants to play? You look interestin’, my man, you wanna step on up? Come on, now, who wants to play? Oh, what about you, sweetie, you’re cute – Lupe: All right. Man: --come on up! Come on up here and play. Cute girls win money all day. You look lucky, now you look lucky, now follow the queen, ladies and gentlemen, follow the queen, follow the queen. Ain’t no hailing mary, but this queen is for you. Which one is it, which one is it, which one is it? Lupe: It’s right there. [points to the card on the right] Man: Right there? [flips over the queen] Beginner’s luck, beginner’s luck, I’ll tell you what, takes a woman to know a woman, takes a lady to find a queen. [as she goes to take the money] Whoa… want to double up? Lupe: All right. Man: All right, we got a chance here, we got a chance here, we got a chance here. All right, here we go, here we go, all you got to do is find your queen. You will not win again, you will not win again. All right, here we go, here we go, where is she, where is she, where is she, where is she, boom! Can you find her? Lupe: Right there. [points to the left card] Man: This one? [turns over the queen] She is klling me! She is taking all my rent. Anybody else want to get behind the good luck girl? Young man: I can do it. Man: You can do it? All right, you’re next on. Just get me a chance to recover and get my money back, or else I’m going to be out here sleepin’ on the streets and not just playing. All right, here we go, you ready? This is the last time, and I’m not messing with you no more, you’re taking all my money, girl, I’m not messing with you no more. I’m giving you one more chance, and this is your last chance, you got to follow the queen, follow the queen, baby, follow the queen, where’s she at, where’s she at, one time, I’ll show you one time, and there she is, boom, boom, boom. Pick a card. Lupe: Uh, I can’t decide. Man: You’re mean, just pick a card, make a decision. Lupe: I can’t decide. Man: Come on, any card will do, left, right, center… [getting agitated] Lupe: I don’t… I don’t know! Man: You want the right – Lupe: I don’t know… Man: The left, the center! Lupe: I don’t know! Man: Will you move out of the way and let somebody else play, then? Lupe: I can’t… decide! I can’t! Man: You wanna flip a coin for it? Lupe: What’s wrong with me? Man: I don’t know. [Woman collapses as the man walks away.] [Cut to a hospital room in PPTH.] Lupe: Scariest thirty seconds of my life. I couldn’t do anything, it’s like I couldn’t move inside my head. Foreman: It’s called abuila, the inability to make a decision or exercise will. Lupe: Is it going to happen again? Foreman: It’s part of a T.I.A., a Transient Ischemic attck. Blood was cut off to a section of your frontal lobe. Lupe: Is that like a stroke or something? Foreman: A little. What drugs have you taken recently? Lupe: No drugs. Foreman: Toxins are another possibility. You might have been exposed to something at work, for instance. Lupe: No real job right now. Foreman: Exposure can build up over time and lie dormant for a while. Where was your last job? Lupe: Pet store. Foreman: Exotic pets? Lupe: Tropical fish. Foreman: And before that? Lupe: Unemployment. And before that I sold subscriptions on the phone. And before that, unemployment. Before that I worked in Jeans Gone Wild. Before that, unemployment. Before that I walked dogs. Before that… [Diagnostics office.] House: Loss of free will. I like it. Maybe we can get Thomas Aquinas in for a consult. What caused the T.I.A.? Foreman: Arteries are clear, no sign of a clot. Cameron: Could have dissolved. Most likely came from her heart, we should do a bubble study. Foreman: Clots are unlikely in a 28-year-old who’s not on the Pill. It’s probably a vasospasm caused by drugs. Chase: I don’t think so. She goes from job to job, maybe there’s some kind of ADD here. Help us pinpoint where the neurological – Foreman: She goes from job to job because she’s a scam artist. She works just long enough to qualify for unemployment, then gets fired and gets high. [House takes a Vicodin, for the irony, you understand.] Chase: I still don’t think it’s drugs. Did you check for infection? Foreman: Her LP showed nothing, no fever, white blood count is normal. Chase: Could be toxic exposure. Foreman: You’re the one always saying it must be drugs. Chase: You’re figuring she’s a minority, she must be snorting – Foreman: You know that’s not what I – Chase: She seems like a nice girl. Foreman; You haven’t met her! [While they’re arguing, House pulls back the blinds with his cane to watch Wilson chatting up a cute girl in the hallway.] Pregnant at 15, dropped out of high school, she’s a real overachiever. Chase: Come on, cut her some slack, her baby died of SIDS. Foreman: This isn’t some romantic story of a nice girl scarred by tragedy. She’s a drug-using scam artist scarred by tragedy. Chase: On the other hand, the tox screen just came back. She’s clean. Foreman: You’re wasting my time – he’s wasting my… [All three finally notice that House isn’t paying any attention to them, and is in fact walking toward Wilson’s office. [Wilson’s office.] House: Second ex-Mrs. Wilson wanting money? Wilson: I am no longer paying alimony; she wanted her independence, so she got her realtor’s license. House: Market’s doing badly, she wants money. Wilson: Market’s doing badly, she’s moving into a condo. House: She wants – Wilson: She wants me to take Hector. House: Pool boy? Wilson: Dog. House: No longer interested. Wilson: We got him on our honeymoon, so I’m like… other parent. But I can’t take him! My hotel doesn’t allow dogs, besides… I’m always here. House: I asked Cuddy to a play Thursday. [Wilson laughs.] Wilson: Oh, you… okay. House: She said she was busy. Wilson: And you didn’t believe her, so you bribed a janitor, broke into her computer, checked her appointments – House: I asked her as a test. Wilson: What would you have learned if she’d said yes? House: A lot about bondage. She’s busy for me, but not for you. She’s not interested in the play qua play, she’s interested in you. Wilson: No. I’m not getting sucked into the vortex of your insanity again. Don’t pass me notes in class, don’t tell me to ask her to the prom – House: You cannot see her socially. You’re leading her on! Wilson: I’ll consider that after I take her to the Hockney exhibit. On Thursday. See, she is busy. It’s not a date. [House stares at him.] She enjoyed the play. I enjoyed her enjoying the play. The woman works hard, it’s nice to see her relax. House: So all this enjoying is an act of charity? Wilson: I’m keeping the receipts for tax purposes. [Diagnostics.] House: What’s life without the ability to make stupid choices? She needs her free will. Find out why her brain froze before she can’t decide to make her next breath. Find the toxin, run your bubble study. You won’t find anything, but I’ll get the office to myself. There’s a lot of prn piling up on the internet. It doesn’t download itself! [Cut to Chase and Foreman exiting the elevator into the main lobby.] Mr. Foreman: Eric, Eric! Chase: Hello, Mr. Foreman! Mr. Foreman: Dr. Chase, how are ou? Chase: Good. You’re lucky you caught us, there. Foreman: I’ll meet you outside. [Chase walks off.] Hey, Dad. Gotta go, but… why are you here? Everything okay? Mr. Foreman: Eh, good as ever. Staying at a hotel down the street. Foreman: You didn’t bring Mom with you? Mr. Foreman: It’s gonna be her sixtieth birthday in a few days. Foreman: I know, we talked about it on the phone. Mr. Foreman: You said you couldn’t come home. Foreman: You didn’t have to come. Mr. Foreman: You haven’t been home in eight years. You should see her while she still knows who you are. Foreman: I talk to her on the phone. She only knows who I am sometimes. Mr. Foreman: Sometimes is important. [Cut to Chase and Foreman searching Lupe’s residence.] Chase: So what’s up with your dad? Didn’t know he was going to be in town? Foreman: No. Chase: Building this old, there could be toxic exposure anywhere: asbestos, mold, the coloring agents in the old wallpaper… Foreman: Or it could be drugs. [He holds up a vial.] Chase: I thought we ruled out…. Clean tox screen means drugs didn’t cause the T.I.A. Foreman: Drugs can be laced with toxic substances – arsenic, rat poison. The drugs wash out of her system, the toxins stick around. Chase: Exposure can come about any number of ways, there’s no reason to assume drug use. Foreman: Absolutely, except for the crack pipe. I’ll test her blood for arsenic and rat poison. Chase: You’d like that, wouldn’t you, when your dad asked you out for dinner. I’ll do the tests, you’re stuck with the family. [Cut to House confronting Cuddy in what looks like Pediatrics.] House: You like Hockney? Cuddy: You heard about that? House: Hot stuff, were the Venezuelan pictures. Cuddy: That’s a trick question. House: Yes, but you have no idea how it’s a trick. Cuddy: I like art. I’m open to new things. What’s the problem? House: You’re going to a gallery to see Venezuelan pictures that don’t exist, but you won’t go to a play with me. Why? Cuddy: House, why is my social life suddenly red-hot? One minute I’m mushing along with the huskies as usual, and all of a sudden it’s global warming. You think you saw someone pick up a toy from the sandbox and suddenly you want it. House: Is that why you said no? Cuddy: Maybe I just want a friend and Wilson is a safe choice. House: I’m not safe? Cool. James Wilson is never a safe choice. Cuddy: Going to a gallery, we’re not getting married. House: Sure, you say that now. He always marries them in the end! [Cut to Foreman walking down a hotel hallway. He knocks on door 206. Mr. Foreman opens the door.] Mrs. Foreman: Is that Eric? Eric! Oh, baby, baby. I wanted to find that picture I took at your high school graduation. I had it reframed. It’s in one of these suitcases, but I don’t know… Foreman: You can show it to me later. Mrs. Foreman: Your father wants to know if you’ve been prayin’. Mr. Foreman: You don’t have to just come out with it like that. Mrs. Foreman: But I only want to know if you’re okay. Foreman: Sure, I’m okay. Mrs. Foreman: You like it here? You have friends? Foreman: Yeah. Everything is great, Mom. Mrs. Foreman: That’s why I brought the picture for you. I remember when you were little. You liked to look in the back of the math book, because even it made no sense then, by the end of the year you’d understand it all. Foreman: That’s why you brought the picture? Mrs. Foreman: You wanted to look ahead to see how far you’d go. Now you’re a grown man, I thought you’d might like to look back, to see how far you’ve come. It all makes sense now, doesn’t it? [Cut to Lupe’s room.] Lupe: That isn’t mine. Foreman: It was in your closet. Lupe: It belongs to this guy who used to live with me. [She’s coughing.] Foreman: You might want to let him know he’s got arsenic poisoning. We should get a sample of his hair so we can see the extent – Lupe: But I don’t do… I don’t do drugs… [She starts coughing up blood, and then passes out.] Foreman: Get a crash cart in here! Respiratory arrest! [Cut to the MRI room.] Lupe: Are you sure it isn’t from the arsenic? Dr. Foreman said I was poisoned. Cameron: Your hair showed only a trace amount, not enough to damage your lungs like this. We need you to stay still now. Chase: 6 mm cuts, started at the apexes. Also, I just wanted to let you know, should you change your mind, I’ll be available. Cameron: Aren’t you getting tired of hearing me say it? I have no intention of going out with you, having sex with you, doing anything with you, except work. Chase: You don’t have to make a big deal about it, I just thought I’d let you know. I decided Tuesdays would be a good day to do that. Cameron: You did not suddenly fall in love with me. You were looking for something, and I happened to be st – Chase: Cameron, it’s fine. No need to go on about it. Advancing through the lung bases. Cameron: We need to put this behind us. Chase: Understood. Cameron: But you keep bringing it up! Chase: You’re the one who’s still talking. Look, I’m not demanding anything from you, I’m not following you home, I’ve got no expectations. A gentle, polite reminder once a week is hardly stalking. There’s a mass just outside the lingual. [Cut to the lab.] Chase: Biopsy shows there are white blood cells in the walls of the blood vessels. House: They’re not supposed to get past the bouncers. Cameron: It’s got to be autoimmune, something lymposidic. White blood cells are attacking her own body. House: The only question is what kind of autoimmune. Foreman: Doesn’t matter what kind. House: It always matters what kind. Foreman: Treatment is always steroids. House: Treatment is always boring! Diagnosis is – Foreman: Okay. It’s affecting the larger blood vessels, so it’s gotta be giant cell arteritis. I’ll start her on steroids. It’s affecting her smaller blood vessels, it’s gotta be lupus vasculitis. I’ll start her on steroids. It’s affecting – House: Yeah, got it. Start her on steroids. Foreman: Good idea. [He leaves.] House: Told you. That was boring. I gotta go out. Cameron: Why? House: Wilson’s got a date. [Cut to Bonnie, Wilson’s ex-wife, showing House around a place.] Bonnie: It’s got 15 foot ceilings, an open floor plan…. You know, I can’t believe you called me. House: Hey, I need a condo. Didn’t you and Wilson have your first date around here? Bonnie: Wow, you remember where our first date was? I didn’t think you were paying attention. House: Really? He’s my best friend. Bonnie: Our first date was in Boston. House: Oh. Not quite as close to here as I remembered. Bonnie: But we’re not here to talk about him. House: Absolutely not. Bonnie: Wait ‘till you see the kitchen. All granite countertops… House: Since I wasn’t paying attention back then, what was it like dating him? [Cut to the art gallery, where the art is rather… racy? Sexual? In nature.] Cuddy: So this is Hockney? Wilson: No. I don’t know what happened. Cuddy: I’m sure you don’t. I never knew your tastes were so ecletic. Wilson: Oh, the Hockney exhibit finished on April 20th, I thought it was May 20th. Okay, my bad. This is not somewhere I’d bring someone on a date. Not that this is a date, obviously. I was just thinking… he’s doing landscapes on multiple canvases now, and they’re kind of peaceful, and you’re always busy, and… Cuddy: Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you embarrassed before. [Cut to House and Bonnie.] Bonnie: Oh, it was never a date. I was coming off a bad relationship and he said we could go out as friends, you know, go see plays, go to a museum. I didn’t think you liked Trenton. House: Love it. So he’d say it’s not a date, but then he’d jump you. Bonnie: Oh no, he meant it. James Wilson, carefully calibrating his level of protectiveness for your individual needs. House: Did you just compare Wilson to a tampon? Bonnie: [laughing] No. It was very endearing. He really just wanted to be a friend, so I jumped him. The bedroom’s through here. [Cut to Cuddy, examining a piece of art.] Cuddy: That’s such a bad idea. There’s no way that won’t cause damage to the large intestine. Wilson: Are you keeping us here to trture me? [He looks closer at the art.] Is that a bicycle pump? Cuddy: That’s what I’m saying! [Bonnie and House.] Bonnie: It’s like walking into a sticky trap. Once you’re the focus of all that attention, it’s addictive. This unit’s kitchen’s got a chef’s oven. House: I cook a lot. Go on. Bonnie: It’s the emotional stuff that really sucks you in. He’s just so knight-in-shining armor, you know? Always there to support you, until he’s not, but by then you’re hooked. Hey, do you think you could talk to him about taking the dog? He’s the only one that Hector really gets along with. House: Hey hey, we’re here to talk real estate, not Wilson. So you’re saying if you actually had sex before you connected emotionally, you’d have gotten over it. Bonnie: Oh yeah, it seems weird, doesn’t it? Because sex with James is fantastic. Nobody works harder to give a woman what she wants. It’s got six burners. The chef’s oven. House: Right. [Cut to Lupe’s room, the next day.] Foreman: How’re you feeling? Lupe: That wasn’t my crack pipe. Foreman: You told me. Are you tired? Lupe: I just took a ht off of it a couple of times. What’s wrong with having a little fun? Foreman: Your personal life is none of my business. Lupe: You don’t like me, though, do you? Foreman: That’s your imagination. I’ve seen every account of drug abuse… no offense, but you don’t even stand out of the pack. Lupe: I’m betting you got money the same place you got attitude. You know, people who quit drinking and people who lose weight, they think they’re better than the people who couldn’t, and because you got out of the projects, you think that anybody who didn’t is weak and stupid. Foreman: I’m not judging you, now take a breath. Lupe: The only difference between me and you is that I made some bad decisions, and you made some good ones. Foreman: You make bad decisions every day of your life. Stop doing drugs, stop having fun, go back to school and get your G.E.D. Lupe: Yeah, where’s the money coming from? The system’s not set up for people like me. What are you staring at? Foreman: Your eyes. [shines a light in them] [Diagnostics.] Foreman: There’s yellow in the sclera. Her liver’s failing. Without a transplant she’ll be dad in the next 48 hours. Chase: We should increase her immunosuppressants and treat her more specifically – [drug name I didn’t catch]. Foreman: Give her more of what’s not working. This is not an autoimmune disease. Cameron: Her white blood cells are attacking her body. That’s autoimmune. Foreman: First brain, then lungs, now liver. All getting worse and all in two days. It’s moving too fast! It’s got to be cancer – lymphomatoid granulomatosis. It’s rare even by our standards, but it fits her symptoms. Explains why the steroids aren’t working, the poor fingernail growth – Cameron: A lot of people have bad fingernails! Foreman: A lot of people don’t have three organ systems shutting down! Her blood vessels are taking this thing everywhere. She needs total body radiation. Cameron: We can’t do anything until we can confirm – Foreman: Running those immunochemstries can take a week, she’ll be dad by the time we – Chase: That doesn’t make radiation any safer. Foreman: Okay. Suppose Chase and Cameron are right. Suppose it’s an autoimmune disease. What’s the biggest danger of total body radiation? It suppresses the immune system, which is what we’re trying to do with the steroids anyway! House: I don’t usually put out on the first date, but I gotta say, that is a rad move. Get her consent. Start the radiation. Foreman: The patient is not too thrilled with me. House: I’ll get her consent. Chase: Foreman’s got a personality issue, so you’re going to step in? House: Patient doesn’t like Foreman. I’m interested. [Lupe’s room.] House: Fatigue, hair loss, possibility of damage to the lungs, infertility. All possible side effects of radiation. Why don’t you like Dr. Foreman? Lupe: He thinks he’s better than he is. House: How good is he? Lupe: I don’t know. Can we get back to what’s wrong with me? House: There’s a small possibility of leukemia some time in the future. Hardly worth mentioning. You can’t say he’s better than he is if you don’t know how good he is. Lupe: No one’s as good as he thinks he is. House: I am. You might also get cataracts. Sign here. Lupe: I don’t know. You’re telling me how dangerous this is. House: We’re saving your life. We’re that good. Sign there. Lupe: I can’t decide. House: Would you rather a pencil or a pen? Who’s the better James Bond, Sean Connery or Daniel Craig? Now, you see, that’s not even a decision. Lupe: It’s happening again. I can’t… I can’t… [She passes out again. House presses the call button, and then sits and watches Lupe as he waits for the nurses to rush in.] Up her blood thinners, get her down to radiology. The attck will be over in 20 minutes. And then she’ll want to sign this. [Cut to Wilson in the cafeteria. Houses comes by and steals a sip of his coffee.] Wilson: Bonnie called last night to talk about the dog. Your name came up. House: Good lord, how do you still have teeth? Wilson: She’s the worst realtor in New Jersey. What is this, escalation? I go out with Cuddy, you hook up with my ex? I don’t even know what that’s designed to do. House: You’re an addict. I’m saving you from yourself. Wilson: By condo shopping, thank you. House: If I can figure out where you keep going wrong, then I can nip this Cuddy thing in the bud before she becomes the fourth ex-Mrs. Wilson. Wilson: Yes, I was worried there was no way to stop that train. House: You have to have sex with Cuddy. Wilson: Wait… to stop the train? [House nods.] Bonnie said [quietly] I’m bad in bed? House: [loudly] Huh?! [normally] Yeah. She also said if she slept with you before she liked you, then it would have been easier to handle when you turned into the sorry bastard that left her alone. Wilson: I told her you were wasting her time, by the way. House: You think that’s going to stop her? The woman’s the worst realtor in New Jersey. [Cut to Lupe.] Foreman: How do you feel? Lupe: Weak, sleeping all the time. Cameron: That’s normal after radiation. Foreman: Deep breath. Lupe: A little queasy, too. When I feel sick to my stomach I always want vanilla ice cream, it’s soothing. Cameron: It’s best to stick with liquids for now. Foreman: Shhh. I’m getting a murmur. Lupe: Oh, oh my arm! It’s hurting me! Take it off! Take it off! [Cameron removes the blood pressure cuff, but Lupe keeps screaming.] [Diagnostics.] Cameron: Pain isn’t the issue. Just the pressure of the BP cuff was enough to start her screaming. Chase: That’s not cancer. It sounds like… House: It sounds like she’s septic. Foreman: A lot of things can cause pain. House: How much? Cameron: Too much. Foreman: It’s not cancer, it’s not autoimmune. It’s an infection and we friend her immune system. Chase: But she had no fever. Her LP was clear. House: Do an echo to confirm it’s in our heart, and then I’ll tell our patient that we just klled her. Foreman: I’ll tell her. [House’s office.] Bonnie: Oh, great. You haven’t been returning my phone calls. House: I’m busy. Bonnie: Well, um, but if you have half an hour this afternoon, I just found this unit, it hasn’t been on the market yet – House: I’m off the market for condos. Bonnie: James was right. I never had the teeniest chance of selling you anything. House: Of course he was right. He doesn’t stop giving good advice just because you’re divorced. He’s compulsive about remaining on good terms with his exes. Bonnie: Do you want to know why I named that dog Hector? House: No. Let’s keep it a mystery. Bonnie: Because even when he was a puppy, he was the worst-tempered dog we’d ever seen he. He was supposed to be house-trained, but he’d pee on the carpet every morning. When we had people over, he would nip at their ankles. “Hector does go rug” is an anagram for “Doctor Greg House” – that’s how early in the marriage I resented you. House: Wow. Did I ever waste money on that place setting. Bonnie: James at least had the decency to feel guilty when he hurt me! House: Whereas I never hurt you! I never even married you, cleverly hoping to avoid moments like this one. Bonnie: You always needed him, and he was always there for you! House: You keep yelling, and I’ll think you owe me sex. Bonnie: You knew he had a wife waiting at home, you didn’t care. I’m not saying you broke up the marriage, but you didn’t help. House: First, “Hector does go rug” is a lame anagram. You want a better one for “Gregory House”: “Huge ego, sorry”. Second, find a new career. You’re never going to sell to anybody if you let them control the agenda. And third, I don’t owe you anything. I’m not Wilson, I’m not going to buy a condo just to make you feel better. [Cut to Foreman and Wilson walking in a hallway.] Wilson: You okay? Foreman: Yeah. Tell me how to do this. House says people thank you after – Wilson: It’s not typical. Foreman: I already klled this woman. All I can do now is not make any more mistakes. Wilson: First of all, stop thinking you can minimize the hurt. A lot of people are afraid of the word ‘dying’ – if you pussyfoot around it, she’s not going to read your mind. Foreman: Okay. Wilson: No, it’s not. When you look in her face, you’re going to feel the instinct to temporize. Crush it. Foreman: Yeah. Wilson: Then wait. Give her time to process the news. Let her know you’ll be with her through all of it. Wait ‘till she’s done thinking, until you think it’s appropriate, then maybe you can touch her, put your hand on her arm like this, let her know that she’s still connected to another human being. Foreman: You’ve got this down to a science. Wilson: You’re freaking out. Foreman: I told you – Wilson: Give her what she needs. What she doesn’t need is a doctor who’s not there with her because he made the wrong call. You are freaking out. You should be freaking out. Foreman: I won’t let her see it. Wilson: Let her see it. [Cut to Foreman entering Lupe’s room.] Lupe: Hey. How come no mask? Foreman: We think… we think you have an infection. Lupe: Didn’t the radiation work? Foreman: It did what it was supposed to do. You’re dying. Lupe: What, what do you mean, like some day things are bad, and I’m gonna… [Foreman shakes his head.] How much time? How much time? Foreman: We can’t know exactly. Lupe: A year? Less than a year? Foreman: Less than 24 hours. Lupe: I don’t understand. Why are you sayin’ this to me, you tryin’ to scare me? Why would you do that? Foreman: I’m sorry. It’s true. Lupe: How bad is this cancer? Yesterday you thought I had a chance. Foreman: You don’t have cancer. You came in with an infection. We didn’t catch it. Lupe: What kind of infection? Foreman: It doesn’t matter. The radiation was the worst thing we could have done. We destroyed the part of your body that was fighting it off. It spread to your heart – Lupe: Then give me drugs! They have drugs for infections. Foreman: Antibiotics work with the immune system, but your immune system is non-existent because of the radiation. Lupe: If it’s my heart, you can get me a new heart. People have heart transplants all the time. Foreman: It wouldn’t help. The infection’s everywhere. There’s nothing we can do. I’m so sorry. We’ve called your grandparents. Lupe: Get the hell away from me! Get out! Get out! [Foreman leaves, rips his rubber gloves off, and punches a wall. Way to be, Foreman.] [Cut to Cameron patching Foreman up.] Cameron: I think it’s broken. Foreman: Nothing like a melodramatic gesture to solve everything. Cameron: We were wrong, too. Steroids wouldn’t have helped her. Foreman: I didn’t help her, I pulled the trigger. Cameron: There’s nothing left for you to do. One of us could go home with you – Foreman: Are you trying to make me feel better? Cameron: Yeah. Foreman: I klled a woman, don’t you think it’s appropriate I feel like crap for at least a little while? Cameron: It won’t help you. Foreman: Where is he? Cameron: He went to the ICU. [Cut to the ICU desk.] Foreman: What are you doing? House: Prepping for an aspiration. We still don’t know what infection – Foreman: It’s not going to help her. House: It’s not going to hurt her. Well, it is going to hurt her, but – Foreman: No. House: This will just take a few minutes. Grab a piece of an abscess, some pus – Foreman: You really don’t care. House: You really don’t care why she’s going to be dad. Foreman: She’s going to be dad – House: WHAT? What did we screw up, what did we miss? I need to know. Foreman: You’ll have to wait. We’re moving her back to her room. Nurse: Patients who’ve had total body radiation have to stay in ICU. Foreman: ICU isn’t gonna help her. Let’s give her some privacy. [Lupe’s room.] Lupe: What do you want? Wanna see if I’m dying on schedule? Or do you want me to tell you it’s all right, I’m okay with it? Foreman: I’d like your forgiveness, but I don’t expect it. Lupe: Good, ‘cause this isn’t like you ran your cart into mine at the supermarket. Foreman: No. Your grandparents haven’t arrived yet. If they don’t make it on time, is there anything you’d like me to tell them? Lupe: Never really knew them. Foreman: You got any friends you’d like me to call? Lupe: It’s the middle of the night. They’re not the kind of friends you call to ask you move, let alone watch you die. I never did much. No kid to leave behind. When I leave, the world’s not gonna be any different. Kind of a relief for you, huh? [Foreman sits down next to Lupe. sht of Wilson bringing House coffee in his office and sitting down with him, and then back to Foreman and Lupe.] Foreman: You were right about me. Lupe: Yeah, which time? Foreman: I, uh, I had a problem with you. But you were wrong, too. I’ve made some bad decisions. Stole cars, robbed houses. Lupe: klled a woman. Foreman: But then I got another chance. Left home, went to college, entered a whole ‘nother world. And yet some part of me I can’t get rid of thinks, “If I’m not the smartest, if I’m not the first, everywhere I go, they’ll figure out I’m not supposed to be here.” They’ll send me back. Lupe: You know that’s not going to happen. You’re out. Foreman: I’ll never be out of there. When I came home, that last Christmas I was in college, it was like… the rooms felt so small. It was so suffocating. But when I was standing on the stoop saying goodbye, my mom put her arms around me. That was the last time I ever felt at home. I only put distance between you and me because I know there isn’t any. Lupe: You were right about me, too. That stuff about the system being against people like me, I know it’s crap. I mean, it’s true, but it’s also crap. I just wasn’t ready to try again. But I always thought I was young, I had time. [Cut to a short time later. Lupe is having trouble breathing.] Lupe: Aren’t you ever gonna leave? Foreman: No. [Cut to Foreman turning off the monitors. House’s phone rings.] House: Yeah? Foreman: Time of death, 3:35. Do whatever you want. [Almost-ending montage. House gets out his autopsy tools.] Chase: You want to go get drunk? Foreman: No thanks. I’ve got paperwork. Chase: Listen, I don’t… I don’t know what I believe, but sometimes I need to think there’s something out there paying attention. So when I can’t talk to anybody, I talk to God, and pretend somebody’s listening. We were all wrong, Foreman. Even House was wrong. Foreman: I know. [House begins to cut open Lupe’s body. Meanwhile, Wilson is talking to a couple in the lobby, and he touches the woman as he instructed Foreman to earlier. House looks at samples under a microscope. Foreman does paperwork. House stares at Lupe’s body as Wilson enters.] Wilson: I got your consent. House: Her bra hook. Wilson: What? House: She scratched herself with her bra hook. That’s how the infection got in. Staph aureus. Wilson: She died from a simple Staph infection? House: That and some bad decisions. [Cut to Wilson and House entering House’s office, where Foreman is sitting.] Wilson: I’ll be outside. House: Go home, have a few drinks, go to sleep, get up tomorrow, and do it tomorrow, only better. If you need absolution, go to a priest or give alms to the poor, whatever ritual comforts you. Foreman: I klled her. House: Yeah, me too. Foreman: This wasn’t, “oh, I should have thought of that idea sooner”. This wasn’t messing up a dosage. We see a disease rushing down on someone like a train, we can’t always get them out of the way. But this wasn’t that. House: No. And you’ll do it again. To a lot of doctors, this would be a once-in-a-lifetime kind of mistake. But we’re not a lot of doctors. We’ll save a lot more patients than the guy down the street, but a few of the ones he’d save by doing what everyone else does we will lose. Foreman: So you’re giving me numbers? House: Because they don’t lie. I can’t forgive you, Foreman, because there’s nothing to forgive. [He leaves.] [Cut to House and Wilson leaving the hospital.] Wilson: What’d you tell him? House: That guilt is irrelevant. Wilson: You wanna get something to eat? [They get into the elevator.] House: Can’t. I’ve got a dog waiting at home. [Cut to Foreman at his parents’ hotel room. He goes to give his mom a kiss.] Mrs. Foreman: What’s wrong? Foreman: I did something bad, Mom. I hurt somebody. Mrs. Foreman: It wasn’t your fault. Foreman: It was. Mrs. Foreman: Then I forgive you, I forgive you. [She gives him a hug.] I can see from your face, you’d never hurt anybody on purpose. Foreman: Do you know who I am, Mom? It’s Eric. [She nods, and gives him another hug.] Mrs. Foreman: Of course. My little boy’s name is Eric. [Closing sh*t if off of Foreman trying not to cry into his mom’s hair. Aww.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x20 - House Training"}	foreverdreaming
[PPTH Clean Room (darkened). Camera focuses briefly on two signs on the glass of the clean room - "Mask Required" and "Hand Wash" - before focusing on the two people inside it. Matty, African-American, 10, wearing a sterile gown, adjusts his gloves. His mother, Claudia, behind him, wears similar attire.] CLAUDIA: Try not to be scared when you see him, okay? MATTY: [I'm ten, I'm fearless] Mom, I've seen him sick. I'm not scared. CLAUDIA: This time's different. [She adjusts his gown behind him.] CLAUDIA: Doctors gave him an extra course of radiation and chemo... MATTY: [irritably] I know. CLAUDIA: [over his shoulder, quietly] And you understand how proud we are of you, right? MATTY: [softly] Right. CLAUDIA: [gesturing] Gloves, mask. [They put on their latex gloves.] [SLOW MOTION: Claudia presses a button on a wall. A loud hissing sound is heard as pressurized air sweeps into the room. Finally, the hissing subsides and the door to the Protective Isolation Unit opens. Claudia and Matty walk up to Nick's (Matty's brother) room door.] [Nicks's Room. Claudia holds up her gloved hands outside the glass door, to indicate she's clean. The door opens. She enters. Behind her, with growing trepidation, Matty slowly enters the room and sees his older brother, Nick (14), lying in bed, looking really weak, but in good spirits. Nick doesn't have even the tiniest bit of hair on his face. Their father, Scott, and Wilson stand nearby, dressed similarly. The door slides closed behind Matty. Scott and Claudia look at Matty, who stands transfixed, staring at his brother. ] SCOTT: [cheerful] Matty, you said you wanted to see your brother before the procedure. NICK: [hoarse] I know I look like an alien, but... I-I promise not to eat your brain. [That relieves a lot of tension in the room. Scott chuckles prompting Matty to do the same.] MATTY: When this is done, will you be able to play out back with me? NICK: I'll rip anything you put near the strike zone. [That cheers up Matty greatly. Wilson comes over and puts his hand on Matty's shoulder.] WILSON: Let your brother rest up while we take some of your marrow. [Wilson leads Matty into the adjacent room. Claudia follows. Nick weakly rests his head up against his pillow. Wilson starts removing Matty's gown.] WILSON: You don't need to be in an isolation room, but I pulled some strings so you could be next door to your brother. MATTY: How many games will I miss? WILSON: Well, you only have to be here overnight, but you do have to take it easy for a little bit. MATTY: [complaining] I already missed two. CLAUDIA: [admonishing softly] Matty. WILSON: I know. It's okay. Musta been a drag. We just had to make sure you weren't exposed to any bugs. Because your healthy bone marrow is what's gonna cure your brother's leukemia-- [As if on cue, Matty sneezes. Claudia looks apprehensive. Matty stares at his brother in the next room, wide-eyed. Zoom into Wilson's worried face.] [House's apartment. Camera moves through the bedroom window into House's bedroom and focuses on a sleeping House. Wilson sidles up in bed next to him - Hector Wilson, that is, Wilson's second ex-wife's dog. Hector places a paw on House's face. House stirs, grimacing, looking at the West Highland Terrier. He snarls at it. Hector barks in his face, making him jump back.] HOUSE: [annoyed] C'mon. [He shoves Hector off his bed and tries to go back to sleep. Hector jumps back on the bed, this time with one of House's Nike Shox in his mouth. He prods House with the shoe, jerking the curmudgeon awake again. House gruffly yanks the shoe out of the mutt's mouth and throws it on the floor. Hector barks and jumps off the bed after it. House jerks up to look at the mess on the floor. His other shoe has its stuffing chewed out. Books, papers and other stuff a canine can use his canines on lie on the floor in tatters. House gets up (in no particular hurry) to see Hector go to work on his other shoe. House sighs and picks up his cane. He makes a disgusted face on touching it and feeling a whole amount of doggy-drool all over it. Hector barks a couple of times. House closes his eyes in frustration.] [Aerial sht of PPTH. Day.] [PPTH, Diagnostics Office. House drums his fingers on his cane handle, while going over Matty's file. Chase, Cameron and Wilson are there.] CHASE: He sneezed. Maybe it's just an allergy. HOUSE: [reading] Not with an enlarged spleen and a fever. WILSON: He's got one of ten thousand possible infections. Even if it's just the common cold, I do the transplant, he kills his brother. CHASE: How long do we have? [House gets up and makes his way towards the whiteboard.] WILSON: Radiation obliterated his immune system. Even in a clean room, he's only got... four, maybe five days left. [House starts writing "5 DAYS LEFT" (really big "5") on the 'board.] CAMERON: No way we can solve this that fast. You need to find another donor. WILSON: They're African-American. It makes it nearly impossible to find a full match. HOUSE: [finishes writing] Tell me about it. I can't even find the one I've got working for me. Where is Foreman? [The other two Ducklings look around, as if just figuring that Foreman's not among them.] [PPTH Chapel. Foreman sits despondently in a pew, obviously contemplating his misdiagnosis of Lupe (see House 0320 - House Training). The chapel doors open. House, Chase, Cameron and Wilson stand outside.] HOUSE: Ha! Nothing like a dad patient to send you back to your choir-boy roots. [He shoves Matty's file in Foreman's face. Irritably, Foreman takes it. House sits down next to him.] HOUSE: Hey! You're not gonna believe what happened. Wilson just klled a kid the same way you did. [A lady sitting in another row turns, shocked.] WILSON: He's not dad. [The lady leaves.] HOUSE: Five days are gonna fly by. He didn't look both ways before he nuked. [drums his cane on the ground] You done talking to your imaginary friend? Because I thought maybe you could do your job. [Two other people, sitting behind, leave.] FOREMAN: [reading from the file] We should start the donor brother on broad-spectrum antibiotics. HOUSE: Great idea, if you're looking to save exactly one kid. Broad-spec will take at least a week to work. We need narrow-spec. [looks at his cane, then to Wilson] How old is Hector? CAMERON: Our patient's name is Matty. His brother's Nick. WILSON: Hector's my dog. He's about seventeen. HOUSE: Seventeen? That's like...a hundred and nineteen in human years. Why's he still alive? FOREMAN: Five days minus twenty seconds talking about Wilson's dog. We need to start testing. Stool samples for parasites, antibody tests... CHASE: Blood panel was negative for all the usual suspects. HOUSE: That's 'cause the infection is too small. We start testing now, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. We draw blood, odds are we're just gonna come up with hay. We need to grow more needles. [Blank stares all around.] HOUSE: Okay, that... probably needs further explanation. We make the donor kid sicker. We freeze him, we soak him, break down his immune system. Suddenly we're looking at some needle a camel can pass through the eye of. CHASE: Making him sicker risks spreading the infection all throughout his body. HOUSE: True, but who cares? Once we know what the infection is, we'll know exactly how to treat it. As long as he isn't dad yet, we're cool. FOREMAN: We should do what we normally do - Go to the kid's house, check for sources of infection. HOUSE: Waste of time. You think it's in the house. I know it's in the patient. FOREMAN: Safer than intentionally making the kid sicker. HOUSE: [bat] Fine. Go. [Foreman raises an eyebrow at the rather immediate permission granted by House. He gets up. Cameron and Chase also seem bewildered.] [Matty's room. Wilson explains the procedures to Claudia and Scott, while House blows gently on the glass window.] SCOTT: So e-exactly h-how sick are you gonna make Matty? WILSON: He could get quite ill. This certainly won't be a pleasant experience for anyone, but it's our onl... HOUSE: [butting in] Ever get caught in the rain without an umbrella? That's all we're talking about here. Sign the form. WILSON: It's a little more complicated than that. We'll also be doing leukopheresis. We run Matty's blood through a machine that filters out his white blood cells. CLAUDIA: But without his white cells, how can he get better in time? WILSON: We'll pump the white blood cells back as soon as we have a diagnosis. [House checks out a stuffed frog.] WILSON: Then we should be able to cure the infection in time to do the transplant. SCOTT: But you can't guarantee? HOUSE: We're not GM! No recalls, no rebates. Any more questions while your son's life slips away? CLAUDIA: [to Wilson] You really think we should do this? HOUSE: Yes! [to Wilson] Sorry, your patient. You tell them. WILSON: [sighing] This is your family. It needs to be your decision. [Scott looks at Claudia, who holds his hand in support.] [PPTH Hallway. House chides Wilson as they walk.] HOUSE: All you had to do was say, "Yes, I do." God knows that's a phrase you've used often enough in your life. WILSON: It was a mistake every time. Give it a break. They said yes. HOUSE: That's not enough for you. You need them to feel good about saying yes. WILSON: [arguing] I treat patients for months, maybe years, not weeks like you. HOUSE: [the argument-winner] I'm taller. WILSON: If they don't trust me, I can't do my job. HOUSE: The only value of that trust is you can manipulate them. WILSON: You should write greeting cards. HOUSE: Giving parents the chance to make a bad choice was a bad choice. WILSON: At least it would've been their choice. HOUSE: One they'd regret at their son's funeral. [Matty and Nick's Home, Backyard. Day. It's time for the weekly House-ordered B&E. Chase and Foreman get to do the honours this time.] CHASE: Kitchen and bathrooms were immaculate. Whatever the kid's got, he didn't get here. FOREMAN: [examining a swing set] No-o, whatever the kid got, he didn't get from the kitchen or the bathroom. Nobody cleans swing sets. CHASE: Yeah, because their kid's ten and hasn't used it since he was six. FOREMAN: You obviously think your time could be better spent. Why'd you come along? [Chase picks up a baseball from the bucket and walks over to a pitcher's mound.] CHASE: Feel bad about what happened last week. FOREMAN: I'm handling it. CHASE: Family's gonna sue? [He pitches the ball to a net. The ball rebounds off the net.] FOREMAN: She only had her grandparents and they weren't close. CHASE: Well, that's good. For you, I mean. A lawsuit makes it even harder to put behind you. [He pitches again.] FOREMAN: You put yours behind you? CHASE: No. [He tosses Foreman a ball and goes to collect another one from the bucket.] FOREMAN: I woke up this morning, I-I couldn't remember what she was wearing when I admitted her. CHASE: [pitches] Memories fade. FOREMMAN: I klled her a week ago and I can't remember what colour top she was wearing. CHASE: [pitches] I was grateful when I could wake up not thinking about her. FOREMAN: I'm not like you. Your patient died because you were distracted over the death of your dad. I made a calculated decision. You acted like a human being. I acted like... House. [He pitches rather weakly. The ball hits the bottom of the net and rolls away into the bushes nearby. Foreman seems a bit upset and demoralized. He looks down and inspects the pitcher's mound. Chase goes to retrieve the ball.] FOREMAN: Could be mucor or strongyloides in this dirt. CHASE: No pulmonary symptoms. He's setting well, breathing easily. [Chase goes behind the bushes and finds an old, rather rusty-looking water pump. He takes out a vial from his bag and kneels in front of the pump. He pumps the handles a couple of times to get the water running. Murky water flows out and Chase collects a sample of it.] [PPTH, Procedure room. A temperature gauge measures Matty's dropping temperature. A nurse dips a sponge in icy-cold water and then squeezes it over Matty's right shoulder. Matty recoils a bit as the freezing water splashes on his skin. Claudia stands nearby, an unsure look on her face.] MATTY: [voice quivering] Mom, I'm freezing. [sht of the monitors. No beeping as yet.] MATTY: How long do I have to...? [Chase and Foreman enter, wearing sterile clothing, covering their mouths with surgical masks.] FOREMAN: Hey Matty, we found an old water pump in your backyard. You ever drink from it? MATTY: [shivering] Yeah, it was gross. FOREMAN: We gotta test for mycobacteria, leptospirosis. CHASE: When did you drink the water? MATTY: L-Last summer? [Chase and Foreman seem disappointed.] FOREMAN: You sure? You haven't even taken a sip to cool off? MATTY: It was really gross. My shoulder's bugging me. Does that matter? [Chase goes to check up on him.] CHASE: It could. Did you do anything to hurt it? MATTY: Just threw the ball around the other day for a couple of hours. FOREMAN: It's probably just a muscle ache. Let us know if it gets worse. [Matty nods. Foreman and Chase start to leave.] MATTY: So soreness and stuff, th-that's not 'cause I'm sick? FOREMAN: Something else bugging you? [Matty seems a bit apprehensive about saying anything. He looks at his mother.] MATTY: Sort of. [PPTH Hallway. House and Foreman emerge from a room, talking about Matty.] FOREMAN: He has acute scrotum. HOUSE: Adorable! Please, I thought you were dignified. [That wisecrack earns him a sharp look from Foreman.] HOUSE: Come on, how am I not supposed to make that joke? The best thing about big honkin' gonads - well, one of the best things - is there's only a few infections that could cause it. Do urinalysis and cultures for E. Coli, klebsiella, TB and brucella; blood tests for enteroviruses and adenoviruses. Hopefully, the needles have grown as fast as his sac, and we can find it. FOREMAN: Can Chase and Cameron cover that? [House stops walking and turns to Foreman.] HOUSE: Mind if I ask why? FOREMAN: I want to recheck the national marrow registry for an alternate donor. HOUSE: In case we're wrong? FOREMAN: It's been known to happen. HOUSE: Fine. Go. [Foreman nods and walks off. House watches him as he leaves and limps off in the other direction.] [PPTH Pathology Lab. Chase and Cameron run the House-ordered tests.] CAMERON: Negative for E. Coli and TB. Why is House taking it easy on Foreman? CHASE: He deserves a break. CAMERON: Yeah, House is all about giving breaks to people in need. CHASE: No on klebsiella. [looks at her] And it's Tuesday. [She gives him a confused look.] CHASE: It's got nothing to do with Foreman or House. It's just... It's the day I remind you I like you, and I want us to be together. CAMERON: [here we go again...] Thank you. I'd forgotten. [She looks back down, an annoyed look on her face. Chase takes the hint and focuses on the test.] CHASE: No on brucella and both viral antibodies. CAMERON: You're really gonna do this every Tuesday? CHASE: You take the day off, I'll pick it up on Wednesday. [He stops, as if something's just struck him.] CHASE: What if we're looking for the wrong thing? CAMERON: These are the only infections that cause swollen testicles. Why don't you just say it four times now and leave me alone for a month? CHASE: What if it's not an infection? CAMERON: His temperature's through the roof. There's mucus pouring out of him. CHASE: I know he has an infection, but what if it didn't directly cause the scrotum issue? What if it just caused the thing that caused the scrotum issue? [He picks up a file and starts to read through it. He tosses the file on the shelf separating them.] CHASE: CKMB is elevated. CAMERON: [picks up the file and reads it] Slightly. There's nothing wrong with... CHASE: [interrupts] Indicates cardiac injury. We stuck him in that room, put his stupid little runny nose infection into hyperdrive. What if it went to his heart? [Cameron looks at him.] [Matty's room. Chase and Cameron are performing a transesophogeal echo on an unconscious Matty. Chase pushes the fiber optic camera through Matty's throat. Cameron looks at the screen.] CHASE: Pulmonary valve looks clean. CAMERON: [sees something on the screen] Wait. Stop. [Chase pauses the image. A trapezoid forms on the screen.] CAMERON: Mitral valve. There's a growth. [looks ominously at Chase] He'll need a month of antibiotics to clear that. His brother only has four days to live. [Off Chase, we...] [Matty's room. Matty's awake and sitting up in bed. Scott is with him. In the adjoining room, Claudia (in mask and sterile gown) sits with Nick. Scott strokes Matty's leg as they speak.] CAMERON: [voice-over] The infection in Matty's... [PPTH Diagnostics Office. House confers with the Ducklings and Wilson.] CAMERON: ...mitral valve rules him out as a donor. HOUSE: This is perfect. CAMERON: We drove the infection into his heart. [House erases the giant "5" off the whiteboard and replaces it with an equally giant "4".] HOUSE: Okay. Perfect is too strong a word. But it's very, very good. Now we know where the infection is. All we gotta do is remove the valve, ID the infection, target and destroy. FOREMAN: Remove the valve? He'll be fine on antibiotics. He doesn't need open heart surgery. HOUSE: He'll be heart-broken on account of his dad brother. CHASE: Either way, he's got a dad brother. The infection isn't just in the valve. Even with targeted medication, there's no way we can clear his system in time. [House pulls a bottle of water from the fridge.] HOUSE: We don't have to. We have to clear his marrow. After the surgery, harvest the marrow, marinate it in the targeted antibiotic, simmer and serve. [He takes a swig of water.] WILSON: Could work. FOREMAN: It's insane! WILSON: It is better than a dad brother. FOREMAN: I'm running this by Cuddy. HOUSE: [nods] Fine. Go. In fact, let's all go. [He gets his cane off the 'board and starts to limp out.] [Cuddy's office. Wilson and Foreman stand in front of Cuddy's desk, while House lounges on her sofa reading "Sewing Notions" magazine.] FOREMAN: This surgery is dangerous and life-altering. And clearly not in the interest of our patient. WILSON: It is if he likes his brother. FOREMAN: We have a conflict of interest. WILSON: The parents don't. FOREMAN: Of course they do. They already sacrificed Matty's health to benefit his brother once. WILSON: They made his cold worse. FOREMAN: We screwed up his heart valve by making his cold worse. CUDDY: [to House] Do you have anything to add to this debate? HOUSE: [not looking at up from his magazine] Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong, and your shirt is way too revealing for the office. CUDDY: [to Foreman] What do you want me to do? WILSON: We should call Child Services and have them appoint a guardian for Matty. CUDDY: No. [to Wilson] Go explain the choices to the parents. And don't let House bully them. [Foreman rolls his eyes and leaves, followed by Wilson. House starts to get up.] CUDDY: House. Did he really think I was gonna do that? HOUSE: I didn't. CUDDY: Then why did you let him...? HOUSE: Tried to cut him some slack. CUDDY: [yeah, right] Nice of you. [House looks behind to make sure Foreman's not around.] HOUSE: I think he's got the yips. [Cuddy has no idea what that is.] HOUSE: Steve Blass, Scott Norwood, David Duval. All got the yips. Great athletes. Lost their confidence, and immediately started sucking. CUDDY: And you're... giving him time to work through it? HOUSE: Mm-hmm! Four days, then he's fired. You don't get better from the yips. [He leaves. Off Cuddy's face, we...] [PPTH Children's playroom. Wilson, accompanied by House, explains to Scott and Claudia about the surgery.] SCOTT: [softly] Open-heart surgery? HOUSE: If you want both kids to live, it's the only choice. WILSON: Due to the valve replacement, Matty will have to be on blood thinners to prevent potential clots. SCOTT: For how long? WILSON: Forever. He couldn't participate in contact sports because of the risk of haemorrhage. CLAUDIA: [equally upset] What about the marrow registry? Maybe they'll find a match. HOUSE: [cynically] Maybe they'll ride it here on a unicorn. [Claudia joins a whole bunch of patients' parents who don't like House's attitude.] WILSON: I'm afraid finding a viable new donor isn't something we can realistically depend on. SCOTT: [sits down heavily, dejected] Either we cripple one son or kll the other. HOUSE: He won't be able to play baseball. But that doesn't make him a cripple. SCOTT: [to Wilson] What should we do? [House looks at Wilson. Wilson seems torn. Finally, he nods.] WILSON: You should protect your family as a whole. You should do the surgery. [House almost looks proud of his friend.] [PPTH Hallway. House and Wilson emerge from a room. House seems ecstatic. Wilson, not so much.] HOUSE: That was awesome! WILSON: [quietly] Shut up. HOUSE: I gotta start pretending to care. WILSON: I did exactly what Cuddy told us not to do. HOUSE: No, you didn't. You did exactly what she told me not to do. You're completely in the clear. [Wilson says nothing. He goes to a nearby Nurse Station, and looks through some papers.] HOUSE: You've gotta be kidding me. You're actually upset. You just said what you believed. WILSON: I also believe in patients making their own choices. HOUSE: Because it lessens your guilt if things go wrong. You're not protecting your choices. [Wilson hands a couple of papers to a nurse.] HOUSE: You're soothing your conscience. WILSON: By that logic, a sociopath would make the best patient advocate in the world. [He walks away. House remains in front of the 'Station.] HOUSE: [calling out after him] Am I blushing? [Matty's room. Scott stands, arms folded, wearing a sterile gown. Claudia is there as well. Matty and Nick (in a wheelchair) stand on opposite sides of the window separating their rooms, looking at each other. Cameron enters, in a sterile gown, removing a surgical mask from her face. A nurse follows, bringing in a wheelchair.] CAMERON: [to Matty] You ready? MATTY: [quietly] Yeah. [He turns back to Nick.] NICK: Thanks. MATTY: You'd do the same for me. [Matty and Nick slowly "bump fists" on their respective sides of the window. Cameron gently guides Matty to the wheelchair, where he sits. The nurse starts to wheel him out.] SCOTT: [encouraging] Don't worry. You're gonna be fine. MATTY: [hopeful] Think I'll be better in time to pitch in the playoffs? CLAUDIA: [leaning towards him] Maybe next season. [She kisses him on the cheek. Matty looks morose. The nurse wheels him out.] SCOTT: [watching them go] We should have told him. CLAUDIA: He loves his brother. But if he understood what we were asking of him... SCOTT: [arguing] He loves his brother more than he loves baseball. CAMERON: [interjecting] You did the right thing. Putting any part of this decision on him... it's impossible for you guys to deal with this. How's a ten-year-old supposed to do it? [She leaves. Claudia slowly moves to the window to look at Nick. Nick closes his eyes.] [PPTH Operation Room. Matty is on the operating table, unconscious. His beating heart is exposed. The surgeons perform the operation on him.] SURGEON: Canula in place. Sutures are holding. [bat] We're all set to go. Switch him over to bypass. [The heart stops beating. The bypass machine starts whirring, while a surgeon hands his colleague an instrument off the nearby table. Wilson (scrubbed up) watches the procedure.] [Aerial sht of PPTH. Night.] [House's apartment. House is asleep on his couch, while a Curling game plays on TV. The phone rings. House stirs awake. He answers the phone.] HOUSE: [into phone] Yeah? INTERCUT WITH: [PPTH, Wilson's office. Wilson speaks on his phone.] WILSON: [into phone] I didn't do the surgery. HOUSE: [into phone] You woke me up to tell me that you're lazy. WILSON: [into phone] We biopsied a piece before we started cutting. HOUSE: [into phone] I'm tired. Get to the point. WILSON: [into phone] We didn't replace the valve because the growth was fibrous tissue. It wasn't infectious. We gotta be wrong about... HOUSE: [seeing something] Oh, God. WILSON: [from phone] What? You know what's wrong with Matty? [House slowly leans forward on the couch, looking at something on the floor.] HOUSE: [into phone, mock-concern] I think Hector's committed su1c1de. WILSON: [into phone] What are you talking about? [Hector lies still on House's floor, a bottle of Vicodin open next to him, pills strewn around near him.] HOUSE: [into phone] He took some pills. WILSON: [into phone, humouring House] Is he alive? [House gets up off the couch and slowly starts creeping towards Hector.] HOUSE: [into phone] He ate half my stash. Of course he's... [House prods the dog with his cane. Hector lifts his head up and lets out a groan. House sighs in disappointment. He picks up the empty, open Vicodin bottle and looks at it.] HOUSE: [into phone] He's stoned. I'll be right in. [He hangs up and looks at Hector.] [PPTH, Diagnostics Office. Wilson glances anxiously at his wristwatch. Cameron, equally anxious, looks up to see House entering the office. Foreman and Chase are also present.] HOUSE: Cut all the way into this kid's heart, and all we got was this lousy, non-infectious fibrous tissue. WILSON: How did we miss this? [House removes his jacket and hands his satchel to Cameron.] CAMERON: Matty had a fever. Got sicker when we suppressed his immune system. That all points to infection. HOUSE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [He puts a "<" sign on the left of the "4" on the whiteboard, signifying they have less than four days left.] HOUSE: Not our fault. Fibrous tissue! Something is turning his healthy heart valve to gristle. CAMERON: [recalling] Fibrous tissue, enlarged spleen, fever. Could mean autoimmune. [Wilson and House look at each other.] WILSON: [hopeful] Autoimmune diseases aren't passed along in bone marrow. He can still donate. We confirm, I do the surgery. [Wilson starts to leave.] HOUSE: Lupus and Behçets are our best bet. Do an ANA and a pathergy test. FOREMAN: Or... it could be infection. [Wilson stops.] HOUSE: My memory's not what it used to be, but didn't we just rule that out eight seconds ago? FOREMAN: Just because it's not what screwed up his valve doesn't mean it's not in his system. HOUSE: Uh-huh, and it has the obvious advantage of making us right all along. A little disadvantage of making big brother dad. FOREMAN: That's your argument? Better outcome? HOUSE: [pointedly] It fits. FOREMAN: The family has one kid with leukemia and one with autoimmune. Wouldn't stand next to them in a rainstorm. HOUSE: That's your argument? It sucks for them? FOREMAN: It fits, and we can still help big brother. National marrow registry came up with a four out of six donors. HOUSE: Six out of six is two better than four out of six, right? I mean, I know two is so small, but since it means that he's gonna get Graft vs. Host disease, the marrow will attck his body and he'll die a painful death. [to the others] Find out what autoimmune it is. [Cameron and Chase get up and leave. Foreman sits a while longer, shakes his head and leaves.] [Matty's room/Nick's room. While Nick lies in bed, Cameron performs tests on Matty. Scott and Claudia watch.] SCOTT: Is this autoimmune better o-or worse than a new heart valve? CAMERON: It depends on which autoimmune it is. With early detection, most are manageable. CLAUDIA: [softly] How long will the testing take? CAMERON: That's the other good thing about this. There's literally thousands of possible infections but only a handful of autoimmune conditions. We'll have the answer in a few hours. [From the adjoining room, Nick calls out.] NICK: Hey, doctor? [Everyone looks up at Nick, who's holding up his right arm.] NICK: Is this bad? [Nick's arm has dark-red bruises, near the wrist and the hand.] [PPTH, outside House's office/hallway. Night. House exits from his office and meets Wilson outside. They start walking.] HOUSE: Wanna catch a movie? WILSON: It's one in the morning. HOUSE: I know a place. Although I wouldn't recommend wearing those shoes. WILSON: How exactly does a dog unscrew a bottle of pills? HOUSE: Is that a riddle? WILSON: It requires an opposable thumb. HOUSE: I must have left it off. WILSON: On the floor? HOUSE: I think he hopped upon to the bathroom counter. WILSON: He has arthritis. [Crash!! House's cane snaps and he crumples to the ground, bumping on the wall as he falls. He looks like he could wring a particular dog's neck.] WILSON: Not me this time. [House remains sitting.] HOUSE: No! It's your damn dog! [holding up the top of the cane] He chews everything! I was missing a file. Found paper in his stool. An original Sun record '78 Elvis recording - gone! Who the hell chews vinyl? He's vindictive. [bat] And he's had a good, long life. It's his time. [Cameron and Chase come from round the corner of the corridor. They see House still sitting on the ground.] CAMERON: Are you okay? HOUSE: I just tripped over Wilson's self-righteousness. [Chase holds out his hand to help House up.] HOUSE: [cold-shoulders the helping hand] What d'you got? CHASE: Matty's negative for everything. It's not autoimmune. So we're back to infection. CAMERON: Nick's starting to deteriorate fast. He's got bruising all over his arms. CHASE: Capillaries are leaking blood. If it happens in his brain, he's dad. CAMERON: We've got to go with the four out of six donors. HOUSE: Hmm. Did I mention my concerns about four being less than six? Wilson's first wife ignored a similar issue. Of course, that time, it was only fatal to their marriage. WILSON: It's either that or we start randomly testing Matty for infections. I know you hate the word random. HOUSE: [getting up] Do it alphabetically. We're not doing that damn transplant. [looks around] Where's Foreman? [Outside Matty's and Nick's rooms. Foreman speaks to Claudia and Scott.] FOREMAN: We found a donor. It's not an ideal match. But four out of six still gives Nick a chance. [The ecstatic parents hug each other, Scott kissing Claudia's head. Foreman feels like a heel though.] [PPTH, Children's playroom. Wilson and House are trying hard to change Claudia and Scott's minds.] WILSON: A partial match transplant is extremely dangerous... SCOTT: [interrupting] Dr. Foreman explained... HOUSE: Did he also explain what sort of pain your son will experience if he gets Graft vs. Host disease? SCOTT: Yes. HOUSE: Apparently, he didn't explain it vividly enough. Let me give it a whack. CLAUDIA: He also explained that if we did nothing, Nick could start bleeding into his brain. WILSON: Matty is a perfect match. Just give us a little more time to figure out... CLAUDIA: How much time? WILSON: Dr. House is the best diagnostician... SCOTT: [interrupting pointedly] How much time? WILSON: I don't know. SCOTT: [starts to choke up] And Nick can start bleeding into this brain without any warning. WILSON: Yes, but the chances of complications from a mismatch are... SCOTT: [softly] My boys have suffered enough. Get Matty better. And give Nick the transplant from the new donor. [Defeated, Wilson nods.] [PPTH, Hallway. House and Wilson walk. House is now using a four-pronged metal cane.] WILSON: Foreman screwed us. HOUSE: No! You screwed us. [Wilson looks surprised at House.] HOUSE: What is the point in being able to control people if you won't actually do it? 'S like training a dog and then letting him go on your rug. Which, by the way... WILSON: [defensive] Once Foreman got his mitts on them, there was no way... HOUSE: [arguing loudly] You don't explain chances and probabilities. You lie to them. You tell them Foreman's a moron - which isn't even much of a lie right now. WILSON: You gotta to talk to him. HOUSE: I got no problem with what Foreman did. WILSON: [angry] He undercut us and he may have cost that kid his life! [House stops walking and turns to face Wilson.] HOUSE: [mad] Well, he did what he thought was right! You, on the other hand, sucked out! When the decision really mattered, you didn't have the guts to tell them what to do! 'F that kid dies, it's because Foreman was wrong AND because you're a coward! [House limps away, leaving Wilson standing there with a stunned expression on his face.] [PPTH, Procedure Room. A donor lies sideways (decubitus position) on a bed. Foreman (scrubbed up) takes out a rather scary-looking aspirate needle and pushes it into the exposed part of the man's backside.] [CGI POV: The camera zooms towards the needle and into the man's bone. The needle pierces through the bone, sending small bone fragments around. The needle starts to aspirate the marrow. The marrow flows quickly through the needle, as we...] [Nick's room. The scarlet-coloured marrow is being administered to Nick, intravenously. Foreman (still scrubbed up) adjusts the IV drip on Nick's hand.] [House's apartment. The apartment is dark. However, the front door is ajar (big enough for, say, a pesky mutt to get out). House, returning home, comes to his front door and peeks inside.] HOUSE: [top of his voice] Oh, goodness! I've left my door open! My poor dog must've run away and been ht by a car or... truck. [hopeful] Or train. [He enters the apartment and switches on the light.] HOUSE: [even more hopeful] Or an anvil. [He looks around, almost sure he'll be free of Hector. No such luck. Hector's behind the couch, and apparently has found a new chewtoy.] HOUSE: [oh, joy...] Thank God. You're still here. [top of voice again] He's still here! [He looks around and sees an empty space in a cabinet. He jerks his head towards Hector.] HOUSE: Where's my stereo? [Hector whines a little. House sighs, barely controlling himself. He shuts the door with his four-pronged cane. He starts limping towards the bathroom. Hector follows. He reaches the bathroom, and slams the door shut (unaware of his pursuer). A thump is heard, followed by a painful yelp and whine. House smiles, finally having got his revenge on Hector.] [Aerial sht of PPTH. Day.] [Matty's room. Cameron checks up on Matty.] CAMERON: How you feeling? MATTY: [scratching his right ear] A little itchy. [She hooks up a new IV bag. He stops scratching his ear and thinks.] MATTY: It's weird, huh? You still have no idea what's wrong with me, but [points] those meds will make me better. CAMERON: We put you on a variety of medications that'll fight all kinds of infections. MATTY: Nick, you know exactly what's wrong with him, maybe he's gonna die anyway. CAMERON: Hopefully, the new marrow will... MATTY: I can't go in there, can I? [She looks at him, sympathetically.] CAMERON: [softly] Your infection would kll him. MATTY: [morosely] So I won't be able to be with him when he dies? CAMERON: [trying to be encouraging] You'll... be able to be with him when he gets better. [Matty starts scratching his right ear again, but much harder this time. He hisses in irritation and leans forward in bed.] CAMERON: What's wrong? MATTY: [exhales heavily] It really itches. [He stops scratching so Cameron can take a look. She sees his ear is dripping blood, staining his gown.] [Tobacco Store. House stands at the counter, requesting service from the currently-absent salesman. Upbeat old-fashioned music plays in the background.] HOUSE: [deep voice] Hello? [Wilson enters from outside, not in the best of spirits. House, trying out a smoking pipe, turns around to see him. House puts down the pipe.] WILSON: Why am I meeting you here? HOUSE: Paying for my new cane. It was your dog. [House tries on a pair of large green rectangular glasses and checks himself out in the mirror.] WILSON: So that's it. You call me a coward, life goes on. HOUSE: Apparently. Showed up. [Wilson shakes his head and starts to leave.] HOUSE: Hey. [Wilson, pinching the bridge of his nose, turns around.] HOUSE: [bat] I'm sorry. WILSON: [nods, softly] Okay. [Wilson walks up to House. House rings the bell for service.] HOUSE: You're pathetic. I didn't actually mean that. WILSON: [shrugs] Yes, you did. [House's cellphone starts to ring.] HOUSE: No, I didn't. To infinity. WILSON: Yes, you did. You're pathetic. [House answers the phone.] HOUSE: [into phone] Yeah. [listens] When? [listens] What did the lab say? [listens] Uh-huh? [House limps around, while speaking. Wilson checks out the store, looking at a porcelain mermaid.] WILSON: Why don't you buy your cane in a medical supply store like a normal cripple? [House, still on the phone, tries on a cowboy hat. The salesman finally shows up.] HOUSE: [to Wilson] Fewer bitchin' choices. [into phone] Okay. [He hangs up and calls out to the salesman.] HOUSE: What do you got in bitchin'? SALESMAN: Right this way. HOUSE: [taking off the hat] That was Cameron. The kid that wasn't all that sick is now all that sick. He's bleeding out of his ears. WILSON: Blood counts? HOUSE: Down. [They make their way to where the salesman stands. The salesman pulls out a cane with a skull handle.] WILSON: Schistocytes on the smear? HOUSE: His body's not making new blood cells. His bone marrow's crashing. SALESMAN: This is one of our top sellers. [The salesman hands House the skull-handled cane. House doesn't look at all impressed.] HOUSE: It's a little too Marilyn Manson in a retirement home. [returns it; to Wilson] Meds are suppressing his bone marrow. WILSON: Or the infection's doing it. [Next cane - a glossy dark-brown arch-handled cane.] HOUSE: [impressed] Very cool. SALESMAN: Genuine bull penis stretched over a metal rod. [House doesn't seem to like it anymore.] HOUSE: Penis canes are mrder. [hands it back, points] Let me see the one on the end. SALESMAN: You got it. HOUSE: [to Wilson] You need to stop Matty's meds. The marrow rebounds, it's the meds. If it doesn't, it's an infection. WILSON: And if it's the infection? HOUSE: Maybe I was wrong about which kid's gonna die. [The salesman comes over, a cane in hand (off-screen). House is genuinely enthused.] HOUSE: Bitchiiiin'. [House smiles.] [PPTH, Elevator/Hallway. The heavy-metal music continues in the background. The elevator doors open. Camera holds on House's and Wilson's legs and House's new cane - a black one with orange, red and yellow flames on it (Just call him Ghost Limper!). In slow-motion, they start walking/limping out of the elevator. Different camera angles of the cane are seen. They enter the Diagnostics office.] [Diagnostics Office. H2H keeps playing. Cameron turns her head to see the cane, Chase (taking a sip of coffee) frowns, and Foreman raises his eyebrows. House stops and thumps the cane on the floor. A thundering sound is heard and the music stops abruptly.] CAMERON: [might as well get it over with] Flames. HOUSE: [swinging it up] Makes it look like I'm going fast. Now, how's our dying kids? CHASE: [tired] Nick's developed blisters all over his feet and legs. He's got grade four Graft vs. Host. WILSON: Increase his dosage of methylprednisolone. CHASE: Already did. It's not working. [Foreman looks downcast.] HOUSE: [to him] Feeling guilty? FOREMAN: I did the right thing. HOUSE: Always a comfort. Okay, what's the other kid's status? WILSON: We're done with Nick? HOUSE: God is done with Nick. We know what he has. We know how to treat it. We're doing it. It's not working. Life is for the living. CHASE: Matty's been off his meds for a few hours, but his blood count's still tnk. It means the meds aren't to blame. It's the infection. CAMERON: If we don't get this under control, his blood will literally turn into water. [House massages his forehead. Wilson and Cameron drop their heads.] HOUSE: Cultures still aren't growing anything. FOREMAN: Why not? HOUSE: Because you did the right thing. Convinced the parents to treat the kid. All you did was yank the weed out of the ground. It's roots are still klling your beautiful lawn. We just can't see it. And if we can't see it, we don't know what it is. And if we don't know what it is, we can't kll it. You gotta wait for it to grow back again. [sighs] Now his soil is arid. So he and his brother will be dad by the time... [He stops, feeling the after-effects of an epiphany (which include quickened background music and the camera zooming towards his face). He tilts his head as he speaks.] HOUSE: What if the dandelion was in fertile soil? [turns to the others] What if we take the roots from Matty and put them in Nick? Turn the kid into a petri dish? Only better. A petri dish can't tell you when it hurts. CHASE: You want to give him his brother's infection? The very thing we've been trying to avoid since the brother sneezed? HOUSE: Leukemia kid's got no defenses. CAMERON: Which is why he'll die. HOUSE: But before he does, the infection will spread, fast. Fast enough to tell us what it is. In time to save his brother. [The Ducklings don't know what to say. Wilson sighs and looks at Foreman.] WILSON: Do you see any other way? [Foreman looks down and shakes his head.] [PPTH, Random room. Wilson and House get the unenviable task of convincing the parents to let one of their sons die for the other.] WILSON: [slowly and expressive] The infection is decimating Matty's bone marrow. But... if we give that marrow to Nick, his symptoms could let us diagnose Matty. CLAUDIA: But it'll kll Nick. HOUSE: Yes. SCOTT: [shocked] You're... you're saying we should kll one son to save the other? HOUSE: Nick is gonna die either way. SCOTT: [angry] You don't know that! I mean, he's in pain right now, but... WILSON: Nick's Graft vs. Host is not responding to medication. SCOTT: [almost inaudible, pleading tearfully] It can change. May-maybe he'll-he'll rally. Hey, my Nick is a fighter. HOUSE: Graft vs. Host is not gonna go away because of Nick's sunny smile and positive outlook. CLAUDIA: [fighting to stay calm] Nick has survived three reoccurrences of his leukemia. HOUSE: He's being torn apart from the inside out. His pain's gonna get worse and worse until he dies. You're just dragging it out. [bat] You have only one decision to make - to leave here with one dad son or two. [Scott looks at him, tearily. Claudia can't control her tears anymore. Wilson looks at House.] HOUSE: Tell 'em. [Scott looks at Wilson, hopefully.] WILSON: [nods somberly] You should let us do this. [Scott wipes his face in sadness. Claudia can stay calm no longer. She forces herself to her feet and yells emotionally.] CLAUDIA: NO! [Scott steels himself and stands up.] SCOTT: We're not giving upon Nick. [firm] Not! [House and Wilson look at each other.] [Diagnostics Office. House and Wilson enter. The Ducklings look up. House throws a file on the glass table in frustration.] HOUSE: Patients' parents apparently don't want to be parents anymore. [to Chase] You're a sneaky bastard. Any ideas how we get around this? CHASE: Court order? HOUSE: [disappointed] That's hardly sneaky. FOREMAN: We can still save Matty. Run more tests. Find out what infection is destroying his marrow. HOUSE: Ten thousand possible infections. At least twenty minutes per test. Take you approximately eight years. FOREMAN: Actually, four months, assuming the last one I test is the right one. If it's the first, it'll take me approximately twenty minutes. WILSON: [wearily] He's right. It's worth a sht. HOUSE: He's timid. Testing blindly is not gonna save this kid. FOREMAN: [cynically] But standing around here will. [He leaves, walking past House. Wilson follows half-heartedly. Chase goes as well. Cameron gets up and walks out too. House pops a Vicodin.] [Clean room/Nick's room. House (in sterile gown and mask) limps (sans his Bitchin' cane) towards Nick's room. Nick's groans of agony can be heard. House limps inside his room. Scott is there, trying unsuccessfully to comfort Nick, who is lying on his side.] HOUSE: Wow, he sure is hurting. SCOTT: [choking] Nurses say he maxed out on his pain meds. HOUSE: [pulling out his scrip book] If I had a nickel for every time I heard that. [He starts to write out a prescription. Scott turns and gets up. House rips out the scrip and holds it out to Scott.] HOUSE: Pharmacy's on the ground floor. SCOTT: [leaning towards Nick] I'm gonna go get you some more pain medication, okay? NICK: [in extreme pain] Thank you. [Scott takes the scrip and runs out. House makes sure he's gone and removes his mask. He sits in front of Nick, who's agony get more piteous by the minute. House looks at him.] HOUSE: It's not gonna help. You're dying. Nothing's gonna change that. Drugs'll just make you go easier. NICK: [breathing heavily] I know. HOUSE: Fourteen years on the planet. Most of them spent suffering. Dying before you even got to drive a car, take off a girl's bra, drink a beer. Believe me, there's plenty you haven't done. Really good stuff. [bat] Must make it hard to believe in God or... fairness, a larger purpose. [bat] But your life doesn't have to be meaningless. You can save your brother. [Nick looks up at House and stops breathing heavily for a second.] NICK: How? [PPTH Labs. Foreman and Wilson run tests.] FOREMAN: Negative for CMV. WILSON: Negative for amoebas. House called you timid. FOREMAN: He's called me a lot worse. WILSON: To him, there is nothing worse. He's gonna fre you. FOREMAN: [ignoring it] Even if we run a hundred tests, that only gives us a one percent chance of saving these kids. WILSON: Better than zero. You don't care if you get fired? FOREMAN: [still circumventing the topic] I don't know, there's got to be a way to better our odds from ninety-nine percent chance of death. WILSON: You gotta know. FOREMAN: It's not food-borne, because no one else in the family is sick. WILSON: Either you care about your job or you don't. FOREMAN: Matty's the only one who drank from that water pump in the backyard, but we eliminated pseudomonas and cholera. WILSON: If you care, you fight to keep it. If you don't, you quit. [finally getting back to Matty's case] I thought they lived in the suburbs. FOREMAN: They do. Why? WILSON: They've got a water pump? [Foreman thinks about it.] [Nick's room. While Matty lies asleep in his room, A much-relaxed Nick tries to convince his parents to let him go, in order to save Matty.] NICK: Please, I wanna do it. CLAUDIA: [gently] No, Nicky. It's not your decision. NICK: I'm dying. There's nothing that's gonna change that. SCOTT: [barely keeping it together] Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey. Don't say that, okay? You can't give up. NICK: It's time for me to go, dad. [bat] You gotta let me go. SCOTT: [crying, pleading] No. Please, son. [Tears stream down Claudia's cheeks. She sniffles.] SCOTT: I can't. I can't. [fiercely] I can't! NICK: [looking at his brother] I'll do it for Matty. [Claudia starts sobbing.] NICK: [choking] I'll do it for you guys... so you won't be alone. [His parents can't take any more. They break down, sobbing inconsolably.] [Operating Room. Nick is wheeled into the OR. Cuddy looks at the consent form, while Scott and Claudia follow sullenly.] CUDDY: Are you sure? SCOTT: [sighing] No. But he is. [They look at their eldest son. Foreman barges inside.] FOREMAN: Get Nick back to the clean room! CUDDY: The parents agreed to infect him. FOREMAN: We figured out what's wrong with Matty. [Cuddy waits for it.] FOREMAN: Histoplasmosis. SCOTT: W-what is that? I mean, why did it...? FOREMAN: Fungal infection. Grows in chicken feces. The dirt that Matty used to build his pitcher's mound must have sat under a chicken coop. Your whole neighborhood was built on top of farmland. We didn't test for it earlier because we... CLAUDIA: [interrupting with newfound hope] Can you fix him? FOREMAN: Full course of amphotericin, and he should be fine. [Scott squeezes Claudia's shoulder in renewed optimism. Claudia smiles for the first time in a long while.] SCOTT: [still hopeful] And Nick? I mean, can you clean Matty's marrow, um, just like you were talking about doing it, but do it fast and-and get it into Nick? [Foreman doesn't answer. He looks at Cuddy.] CUDDY: I'm sorry. The reason Matty is so sick is because the infection is attacking his marrow. He doesn't have enough left to safely take from him and give to his brother. [Their hopes crushed again, Claudia starts to weep. Foreman looks at Nick.] [Procedure room. Foreman checks up on Matty's meds.] MATTY: [incredulous] I'm going to get better now? That's it? FOREMAN: That's it. MATTY: And what about Nick? [Foreman looks at Matty. He removes his surgical mask.] FOREMAN: Your brother was willing to risk his life to save you. Are you willing to do that for him? [Matty nods, apprehensively.] FOREMAN: I... can't sedate you. You're too sick. [Matty nods again. Foreman hesitates only a fraction of a second, before turning around and hastily dragging a cart up to Matty's bed. Matty looks fearful. Foreman pulls out an aspirate needle and prepares to insert it into Matty's skin. Matty looks terrified now. His fear is only compounded by Foreman quickly strapping him to the bed, keeping him from moving. Foreman takes a decisive look at Matty and pushes the aspirate needle into Matty's thigh. Matty screams to high heaven as Foreman hurriedly starts to collect his bone marrow. Finished, Foreman pulls the needle out. He moves for another needle.] MATTY: [beseeching] Please, please stop. [crying] Please, please. You're done, right? FOREMAN: [not ready to stop now] Sorry. I need a lot more. [Matty tries to break out of his restraints, but Foreman pushes him down and moves to insert the next needle.] MATTY:No! Stop! [screaming] Stop! [Foreman inserts it into Matty's side. Matty scream can be heard even as we...] [Aerial sht of PPTH. Evening.] [House's office. House is at his desk. Wilson enters.] HOUSE: How much heat are you taking from the parents? WILSON: They're calming down. I think it has something to do with both their kids being alive, awake, and eating. The marrow transplant took. HOUSE: Welcome back, Foreman. WILSON: You should talk to him. HOUSE: Tell him how proud I am? WILSON: Hey, if you're ashamed of him, you can tell him that. HOUSE: Pride and shame only apply to people we have a vested interest in, not employees. WILSON: How many hours a day do you have to spend with someone before they're basically family? HOUSE: Good point. [gets up] But first, I gotta tell Cameron and Chase that they're violating God's will. WILSON: I'm just asking you to have an adult conversation to let him know... HOUSE: ... he did a good job? He knows it. Adults don't need adult conversations. Just like I don't need this conversation. WILSON: [sighing] Have you klled Hector yet? HOUSE: Obviously not. [He looks past Wilson, near the door. Wilson turns to see Hector, lolling about on the floor, chewing something.] WILSON: Oh. He's quiet. He's... [recognizes the new chewtoy] Is that my stethoscope? [Sure enough, Hector is chewing hell out of Wilson's stethoscope.] HOUSE: [sarcastically] Bad dog! [Hector seems to take it seriously and whiningly puts his head on the floor.] WILSON: Listen, Bonnie joined her home owners' association and staged a coup. Pets are now allowed. If you want to keep him, she wants a new puppy anyway. She'll understand. HOUSE: Why would I want to keep him? WILSON: You're sure? [House gives him a "are-you-kidding?" look and picks up Hector's leash.] WILSON: [turns to Hector] Come on, boy. [Hector stands up - on three paws. His right forepaw is held above ground, probably due to the door-slamming incident, if not others following that. House looks sheepish. Hector limps forward towards Wilson. Wilson looks back at House, more accusingly than questioningly.] HOUSE: [shrugging] Accidents happen. [He tosses the leash to Wilson. Wilson doesn't look mollified. He crouches and attaches the leash to Hector's collar. House advances from behind his desk.] HOUSE: Candy? [He tosses a small white pill (no prizes for guessing what it is!) towards the damaged dog, who immediately rears up and swallows it.] HOUSE: Good boy. [Wilson gets up and, with a pointed look at House, walks out.] [PPTH hallway - Continuous. Hector limps slowly besides an expressionless Wilson. Behind them, House comes out of his office. Hector stops limping and turns his head to look at House. House looks back. Hector looks ahead and resumes limping. House throws up a Vicodin in the air and catches it in his mouth on the way down.] HOUSE: [bites] Good boy. [He limps away.] [Matty's room/Nick's room/PPTH Hallway. Matty and Nick (both walking) come to the glass partition between their room and "bump fists". Foreman watches them from the hallway. House limps up to him.] HOUSE: [sighs] You did good. FOREMAN: I did what you would have. HOUSE: Well, maybe I'm biased, but-- FOREMAN: I tortured the kid. HOUSE: Because you knew it was right. You knew you were saving his brother. FOREMAN: [pensively] I know. I don't like that I know. I hate that I can listen to a kid screaming in pain and not even take a moment to question whether I'm doing the right thing. I hate that in order to be like you as a doctor, I have to be like you as a human being. I don't want to turn into you. HOUSE: [smirks] You're not. You've been like me since you were eight years old. FOREMAN: [turns to face him] You'll save more people than I will. But I'll settle for k*lling less. Consider this my two weeks' notice. [He walks away. Off House's expressionless look, we...]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x21 - Family"}	foreverdreaming
[Guy and girl (Addie) are sparring in a karate class, Addie is winning easily. Addie knocks down the guy and the teacher stops them by saying something in Japanese] GUY: [While picking himself up. Annoyed.] She almost took my head off. TEACHER: Your fault. You didn't guard your left side. [Gets them started again with more Japanese.] [Addie knocks the guy down again.] TEACHER: [Stops them.] Point. [Guy gets up, teacher starts them off again. They trade punches for a little while until Addie does a big spinning kick and we see blood splatter on the mirror. Addie stumbles and then starts furiously punching at the guys head.] TEACHER: [Having to step in.] Stop, stop, stop, stop. [Addie sits on the ground breathing heavily and coughing up blood.] You're bleeding. GUY: I never even ht her. [Cut to House walking out of his office into the Diagnostics Office.] HOUSE: [Smiling.] Morning. This is funny [Holds up his coffee and starts to read the side.] People don't... CAMERON: Not done reading, go away. [House goes back into his office. Ducklings continue to read the file.] Most likely she coughed it up, which would mean it's from her lungs. Drugs, toxins, infection? FOREMAN: No fever, no elevated white count, which rules out infection. CAMERON: And blood panels found no drugs, no toxins. CHASE: Bronchoscopy was pristine, so much for the lungs. HOUSE: [Comes back out.] Good morning. CHASE: Not yet. [House goes back to his office.] CAMERON: So then the blood came from her stomach, which would mean it's an ulcer or a GI bleed. FOREMAN: ER also ran an upper and lower GI, no occult blood in her stool. CHASE: Which means no ulcer or GI bleed. Which means it's not from her stomach either which means it didn't come from anywhere. HOUSE: [Comes back out.] You guys get to the point where the blood didn't come from anywhere? FOREMAN: Rupture in her sinus cavity, dripped through the back. HOUSE: Not that much blood. CHASE: Trauma from karate? HOUSE: No trauma. She kicked the other guy's ass. [Cuddy enters.] CUDDY: Now a good time? HOUSE: If you can tell me how blood can mysteriously appear... CUDDY: Now. [To Foreman.] This includes you. [All 3 head off towards House's office.] CAMERON: What's going on? HOUSE: [Closing the door.] Feel free to speculate amongst yourselves. CUDDY: [To Foreman.] Are you sure? FOREMAN: Yeah. CUDDY: Why? HOUSE: He's afraid of turning into me. CUDDY: Well that's a good enough reason. [Hands Foreman a form.] Sign here. [Foreman signs, Cameron and Chase watch through the glass.] CHASE: Doesn't look promising. [Foreman hands the form back to Cuddy.] CUDDY: Good luck. FOREMAN: Thank you. HOUSE: That's it? You're not going to tell him that we're a family and families don't abandon each other? CUDDY: You want me to? HOUSE: No. CUDDY: [To Foreman.] Would it make any difference? FOREMAN: No. CUDDY: Good luck Dr Foreman. [Hugs Foreman then leaves.] [House and Foreman go back and join Chase and Cameron in the Diagnostics Office.] HOUSE: So, where were we? CHASE: Polish hm* coughing up blood. HOUSE: Not the case, the speculation. The palace intrigue. The rising self doubts. Did Foreman get a promotion? FOREMAN: I resigned. CAMERON: What? HOUSE: Personally I can't believe I've had the same 3 employees for 3 years. CHASE: Patient could have a heart problem. HOUSE: Yes. Life goes on. The eager beaver combing his hair. CHASE: Hyperdynamic heart could force too much blood into her lungs, she coughed up the overflow. Wouldn't leave a trace in her lungs because it's travelling through normal plumbing. HOUSE: Foreman, go do a stress echo test to see if he's right. Cameron, check out the dorm and redo the ER labs. [Ducklings leave.] [Calling out after them.] I'll get going on Foreman's farewell party, everybody good with a mermaid under the stars theme? [They all give him a weird look and then continue leaving.] [Cut to Foreman and Chase watching the results of the stress echo.] CHASE: So why are you leaving? Or is it just some sort of power play? FOREMAN: You can have my parking space, my locker. CHASE: Is it about House? FOREMAN: [Sarcastic.] Let me get all sensitive and confide in you. [Pushes the microphone button.] Addie, pedal harder, we need your heart rate at 170. [Addie pedals faster.] CHASE: Why wouldn't you want to tell me? FOREMAN: I don't like you. Never have, never will. You want me to share some more? CHASE: Even if you do hate me, if you found another job you'd tell me. If House did something to drive you out of here you'd tell me. The fact that you wont tell me means what ever the real reason is, you're ashamed of it. ADDIE: Guys? I'm at 170. [Stops pedalling.] [Chase goes into the room where she is and starts to ultrasound her chest.] CHASE: Pulmonary artery looks good. [Looks at Foreman through the glass.] It's not a heart problem. [Notices something.] Are you cold? ADDIE: No. CHASE: Scared? ADDIE: I'm ok, why? CHASE: On your arm. [Addie looks at her arm.] [Cut to House rounding a corner in the corridor, Chase and Foreman come from the opposite side and follow him. Cue walk and talk.] CHASE: Addie has goose bumps. FOREMAN: Oooh, no recovering from those babies. CHASE: You don't have goose bumps for no reason, they're a reaction to the body thinking it's cold. FOREMAN: She wasn't cold her temperature was normal. CHASE: Her body thought it was which means? FOREMAN: What? A brain problem? Messed up hypothalamus could cause goose bumps but they're not going to cause her to cough up blood. She has no neurological issues she had a shiver. HOUSE: I think there's an infection. FOREMAN: We ruled out infection because no fever no white count. [They stop in front of Wilson's office.] HOUSE: I think there's an infection. Blood goes where it's needed, infection likes nice wet places, her lungs. Start treatment, all that cool stuff for bacterial, fungal and atypical infections. Get a lung biopsy, I want to see the little bugger up close. [Foreman leaves, Chase starts to follow but changes his mind.] CHASE: Why's Foreman quitting? HOUSE: He wants to breed llamas. [Starts to walk towards Wilson's office.] CHASE: Interesting. [House turns around.] You're ashamed of the reason too. [House smiles and continues on his way, Chase leaves in the direction Foreman did.] [House enters Wilson's office and shuts the door behind him, Wilson pushes a coffee towards House while writing something.] HOUSE: [Takes the coffee and sits down.] No one writes tamoxifen like you. WILSON: Well, I use a G. HOUSE: Foreman resigned. WILSON: [Stops writing.] I'm sorry. HOUSE: It's okay. No biggie. WILSON: [Rolls his eyes.] Right. He give a reason? HOUSE: He said he didn't want to end up like me. I had a brilliant retort. Can't remember what it was at the moment. WILSON: You don't want to end up like you. HOUSE: Good point. Can I resign? [Wilson yawns.] What's up with that? WILSON: With what? HOUSE: You yawned. I just told you something interesting so you're not bored, it's 11 o'clock in the morning and you're drinking coffee so you're not tired, I didn't yawn so it's not a mirror neuron reaction. Which leaves symptom, vasovagal issue, maybe a heart problem? WILSON: My heart's fine, I was up late. You're just deflecting having a conversation about Foreman. HOUSE: I'm ok with Foreman leaving. WILSON: Either you're lying or you don't really think he's leaving or you just jumped right to acceptance. [House yawns.] HOUSE: Sorry, I yawned because I was trying to communicate boredom. WILSON: You could try bargaining with him, give him a raise. HOUSE: How much do you think it would cost to make him want to be like me? [Silence.] Thanks for the coffee. [Leaves.] [Cut to Cameron looking through the glass at Addie with her parents, Ben and Jodie, in her room.] CAMERON: She seems fine. HOUSE: She is fine. CHASE: She coughed up blood. HOUSE: Past tense. CAMERON: She has diarrhoea. HOUSE: From the antibiotics for the infection. FOREMAN: Lung biopsy says she doesn't have an infection. HOUSE: Well you screwed up the biopsy. CHASE: Or you're wrong about infection. HOUSE: Well if I'm wrong, then so is her body, because it obviously thinks she's got an infection or it wouldn't have gotten better from the antibiotics. What is pandiculation symptomatic of? FOREMAN: Yawning is a symptom of fatigue or cholinergic excitation. CAMERON: Does this have anything to do with Addie? HOUSE: Lets say yes. CHASE: Cerebral tumour, epilepsy, could also be a medication reaction to antidepressants or some meds for end stage liver failure. HOUSE: Lets say no. [Foreman laughs. House and Chase both look weirdly at Foreman.] CHASE: You don't want to leave this job. Three years you've been here and you've never once laughed at anything he's said. FOREMAN: Because I wasn't kissing his ass. CHASE: But now you are? No, now you're nervous, uncomfortable about your decision. It wasn't even that good a joke. HOUSE: Oh crap. CHASE: Most of your jokes are excellent. [Cameron rolls her eyes.] I just meant in comparison. HOUSE: Shut up. I think she may not have an infection. You better deal with her before she crashes. [We see Addie struggling to breathe, monitors start going off, ducklings run into her room.] JODIE: She can't breathe. CAMERON: Get off the bed. CHASE: We need a crash cart. BEN: What's happening? CHASE: Lets get her down, now. FOREMAN: Pressure is collapsing her lungs she not getting any air. [They put the bed down and intubate her.] JODIE: Oh my god. [Cut to Chase sticking a big needle into a giant red sore on Addie's back and extracting some sort of liquid.] [Cut to Chase in the lab explaining to the others what happened.] CHASE: She couldn't breathe because she had a pleural effusion. Thoracentesis revealed low protein count. Effusion was transudative which means she has cirrhosis of the liver or she's in heart failure. FOREMAN: Heart was fine, liver enzymes were normal. HOUSE: [Looking at the chart.] There's something called blued in the pleural effusion. [Looks closer.] Oh it's not blued its blood. Which is great. Well not for her but for me because it means, I think it's an infection. CHASE: Labs indicated minute traces of blood. HOUSE: Can't ignore the blood because it's a minority, can you Foreman? [Foreman rolls his eyes.] CAMERON: If we count the traces of blood as significant the differential isn't just infection. It could be lung cancer, breast cancer, lymphoma. HOUSE: Great. Go tell her she's got one of those. Or you could tell her we haven't given her enough antibiotics for her INFECTION. Double the dose, and check her lungs. CHASE: We checked her lungs, they're clean. HOUSE: [Leaving.] On the outside. She needs an arteriogram. [Aerial of PPTH, Day.] [Cut to House entering an exam room in the clinic.] STEVE: It's about my bowel movements. HOUSE: What isn't these days? [Shuts the door. Points to Steve's girlfriend, Honey.] You sure you want to be here for this? STEVE: We do everything together. HOUSE: Of course. The toilet can be a lonely place. Drop your pants I'll suit up. STEVE: [Dropping his pants.] They float. HOUSE: Huh? STEVE: My bowel movements. Honey says they're not supposed to? HONEY: I'm a nutritionist. [Smiles.] HOUSE: Yes, I could tell from the cool toe loop sandals. HONEY: Thank you. HOUSE: You're welcome. [They smile at each other.] And the natural fibre clothing I assume means some kind of vegetarian denomination? STEVE: We're vegans. At first I was a little concerned about the lack of protein but Honey showed me you can get it from lots of... HOUSE: Wow, whatever floats your poop. You've been together how long? 6 months? HONEY: How'd you know? HOUSE: Cause after 6 months poop love fades and if you've been together shorter than that then... I'll explain right after this break. [Leaves.] [Cut to House walking up to the pharmacy.] HOUSE: Three 10-milligram pills of your finest amphetamines. [Signs the book.] [Ducklings come up behind him.] CAMERON: Arteriogram was normal. CHASE: Which means her lungs are fine. [Pharmacist puts the pills in a cup on the counter.] HOUSE: What if the clear arteriogram is significant? FOREMAN: It is significant, it means there's no infection. HOUSE: I think there's an infection. CAMERON: Infections don't come and go, people don't get better then worse in the same treatment. HOUSE: Unless her body can't finish off the fight, maybe goes a couple of rounds then gives up. CHASE: Why would it give up? HOUSE: Maybe its name is Foreman. [Looks at Foreman, no reaction.] C'mon... where's that smile? That laugh that makes the whole world sunny without contributing to global warming. [Chase laughs, they look at him, he stops and looks down, embarrassed.] Maybe she's missing a protein. CAMERON: Blood panel and enzymes show her proteins are normal. HOUSE: You can't have tested for every protein, I can think of at least one you can't test for at all. CHASE: Compliment factor H deficiency. Well if she has that she's dad. No way to fend off bacteria, she'll get one infection after another until her body shuts down. HOUSE: Maybe we can get ahead of the game. Manage each symptom as it comes up. Give her 5 miserable years instead of 6 miserable months. FOREMAN: There's no diagnostic test for Compliment factor H deficiency. HOUSE: So we isolate the cells that are yummiest for it. Stick a needle in her eye. [Takes the pills and goes back into the exam room.] [To Steve.] You're cheating on Honey. STEVE: What? No, I'm not. HOUSE: Oh yes you are. HONEY: [Looks disappointed.] It's ok. I get it. HOUSE: [Confused.] Well I was going to say relax but oddly enough you seem pretty relaxed already. HONEY: You're accomplished, you're funny, you can have what ever you want, women are going to... HOUSE: He's not cheating with another woman, he's cheating with another food group. HONEY: [Angry.] What? HOUSE: His floaters float because they're full of fat, probably had a big cheeseburger for lunch. HONEY: You're eating flesh? STEVE: It's just a hamburger, not all the time... HONEY: You're disgusting. STEVE: Soy cakes taste like cardboard, unsalted cardboard. HOUSE: I'm accomplished, I'm funny, can I have whatever I want? [Steve is shocked. Honey smiles.] [Cut to Chase sticking a needle in Addie's eye.] ADDIE: Can we wait a second? BEN: What's wrong? ADDIE: I feel good, do you really need to put that needle? CHASE: You felt good yesterday and then you almost suffocated. ADDIE: And you know that that thing is in my eye? CHASE: I think it could be. If we find it, our hope is that we can treat it. JODIE: You hope? ADDIE: Mum don't hang on every word. JODIE: He said he hopes, that means he doesn't know. I just want to understand what's going on. CHASE: We wont know anything until we do the test. Addie this all looks really scary but you'll feel nothing, ok? ADDIE: Ok. [Chase starts the test, the camera follows the needle into Addie's eye and we see a big red spot.] [Cut to House opening the drawers under his desk in his office. He pulls out a mortar and pestle and puts it on his desk, he uses it to grind up the 3 pills he got earlier. He has two coffees on his desk. He pours the ground pills into the coffee on his left. Then rubs his finger around the mortar to pick up any remaining pill dust and rubs it on his teeth. He puts the mortar and pestle away, stirs the coffee with a pen and puts the lid back on, just in time before Wilson enters.] HOUSE: You rang? WILSON: You called me. HOUSE: I brought you an espresso. [Wilson checks his pocket for his wallet and gives House a weird look.] You've been buying me coffee for a couple of week I thought I'd pay you back. [Holds out the coffee on his right to Wilson.] One. WILSON: [Suspicious.] How did you walk with the cane and the 2 coffees? HOUSE: [Laughs.] Why are you suspicious? WILSON: Because it's either that or accept the fact that you've done something nice and then I have to deal with the horsemen and the rain of fre and the end of days. HOUSE: [Laughs again.] What, you think I spat in yours? WILSON: Or worse. HOUSE: I stacked them. [Puts the left one on top of the right and lifts it up to demonstrate, then puts the left one down again and holds out the right one to Wilson.] [Wilson is still suspicious but goes to grab the one House is holding out for him then grabs the other one, the left one, instead. House shrugs and drinks the one Wilson left behind, Wilson drinks the one he took and sits down.] HOUSE: What do you think of me hiring a nutritionist instead of a neurologist? They sound almost the same. WILSON: I take it you've met a hot nutritionist. HOUSE: Don't cheapen this, we had an in depth conversation about proteins and fats. I was about to examine her boyfriend's rectum. WILSON: You asked for a date while your finger was in her boyfriend? HOUSE: Got her number. WILSON: No, no, no way. [House pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Wilson.] This is an employment application. She doesn't want to go out with you she's looking for a job. Oh god she's 26. HOUSE: But the wisdom of a much younger woman. [Ducklings enter the diagnostics office.] WILSON: Have you spoken to Foreman? HOUSE: Several times, we laugh... WILSON: You're going to lose him. HOUSE: And that will be depressing but it will only make me appreciate all the good things that I do have. [House goes into the diagnostics office, Wilson leaves.] CHASE: Macular biopsy was negative, which means you're wrong, there's no Compliment factor H deficiency. FOREMAN: Most likely cause of altering blood flow in the brain is a clot or a tumour. CAMERON: We can rule out a clotting issue because she has a bleeding issue. FOREMAN: Which means we should be looking for a tumour. HOUSE: I think there's an infection. Just because the cells in her eye aren't dad yet doesn't mean they're working. CHASE: So why did we do the test. HOUSE: Because if it had been positive it would have proved I was right. CHASE: But negative doesn't prove you wrong. HOUSE: [Smiling.] That's the beauty of the test. FOREMAN: She needs an MRI of her brain. HOUSE: Absolutely. [Ducklings start to leave.] As long as you're scanning, you mind having a boo for an abscess or something caused by an infection? [Ducklings leave.] [Cut to Addie getting an MRI, Foreman and Cameron are watching the results.] FOREMAN: I didn't expect House to beg me to stay, but it seems like he's in a better mood since I quit. Nothing in the axial view. You haven't asked me why I'm leaving. CAMERON: Figured you'd tell me when you wanted to. FOREMAN: I don't want to be like him. CAMERON: You're not a jerk. FOREMAN: [Laughs.] Thank you. CAMERON: I mean... sometimes you are, but I don't think we can pin that on House. [Smiles.] And you're a better doctor than when you came through the door. FOREMAN: Better at some things worse at others. CAMERON: Again, not House's fault. It's a job. You're supposed to take the good and leave the bad. FOREMAN: It's easier for you. CAMERON: Why, because you think I need to toughen up? You think I'm weak? FOREMAN: Yeah. See? I am a jerk, I've got to get out of here. [Addie starts making noise.] CAMERON: What's wrong Addie? ADDIE: My head hurts. FOREMAN: Brain's clean, no tumour and no abscess. We're all wrong. ADDIE: My head. [Starts screaming. Cameron gets her out of the machine.] My head! [The camera pans round to reveal her head. Open. Bleeding. We can see her brain.] [Cut to OR, Addie is under a general. Foreman is pulling pieces out of her head. House is taping it on a video camera.] HOUSE: Grody. FOREMAN: Looks like massive tissue death. HOUSE: Who cares? Her head blew up, how cool is that? CAMERON: It's not pusy. HOUSE: [Turns the camera on Cameron.] Meaning you don't think it's an infection, and you'd be right, if you weren't wrong. [Puts the camera back on the open head.] FOREMAN: Here we go again. HOUSE: She's got infections that come and go, which means... CAMERON: It means it has to be something else! HOUSE: Good guess, but no! Means either she's got a leprechaun in her colon which is playing with the doggy door, letting bacteria in and out or... she got Compliment factor H deficiency. [Puts the camera on Foreman.] FOREMAN: You enjoying this? HOUSE: I'm saving a woman's life. [Puts the camera on himself.] I'm saving a woman's life. [Camera back on the head.] Actually I'm diagnosing her. Technically I'm diagnosing her with something that's going to kll her but other than that, I'm saving her life. [Turns the camera off.] CHASE: An autoimmune problem makes more sense. HOUSE: You can't explain transudative pleural effusion with giant cell arteritis. You'd need 3 whiteboards and 100 different coloured markers. FOREMAN: No, it's much more likely she has an invisible protein that allowed bacteria to arbitrarily invde her lungs then arbitrarily invde her pleura then arbitrarily jump into her head. CHASE: If it's autoimmune she can live, but we have to give her steroids, now, before her heart ruptures. HOUSE: If you're wrong, and you give her steroids, she dies, now. Foreman, want to run down how it feels to go with your gut and kll a person? You get into the whole spiralling out of control and self-doubt, resigning thing. [To Chase.] Do it. Worst that can happen is you quit. Cameron, want to explain to the parents while you'll be holding paddles while you're doing it, because if her heart goes boom it'll boom right away. [Leaves.] [Cut to Cameron Charging the paddles in Addie's room while Chase prepares to give her the steroids.] BEN: She really has to be awake for this? CHASE: If there is a problem she can tell us what she feels. ADDIE: [Looks at her mother who is fighting back tears.] Relax. BEN: We're scared. ADDIE: I don't want you to be scared. JODIE: Then get better. Ok sweetie? We love you. ADDIE: Mum, I'm sorry. CHASE: Ready? ADDIE: [Takes a deep breath.] Ready. [Chase starts the treatment. Camera pans around to reveal House sitting in a chair in the hallway watching through the glass. Cuddy walks up to him.] HOUSE: My patient's about to have a heart attck. [Smiles.] It's going to be massive! CUDDY: Oh well that's too bad cause I just got tickets to a stroke on the third floor. Have you had a conversation with Foreman? HOUSE: [Pulls out some money.] Can you do me a favour? CUDDY: You haven't, because then you would have to confront your own emotions. HOUSE: Is bile an emotion? Cause I can definitely fee something here [Pushes his gut.] Get me some liquorice. [Shoves the money in the top of her pants.] This is going to be the best heart attck of all time. [Cuddy takes the money and starts to leave.] Oh wait wait wait wait. [Cuddy comes back.] She's going to shock her. [Cameron looks at the monitors then puts the paddles away, the dad shakes Chase's hand, who looks relieved. House looks disappointed.] CUDDY: [Gives the money back.] There's always tomorrow. [Cut to Wilson in his office, he is bouncing his leg up and down quickly and trying to put a label on a file. Foreman walks in.] FOREMAN: You wanted to see me? [Wilson puts his hand up to say wait and continues trying to put the label on, Foreman leans over and has a look.] Pretty sure the label is straight. WILSON: [Sticks down the label. Talking quickly.] Are you really going to leave? Where you going? You lined up interviews yet? FOREMAN: I'm not sure. WILSON: You're pissed at House! I get it you're symbolicating klling him. [Foreman raises an eyebrow.] Symbolicating? What? Symbolacolating, gosh that's a hard word. FOREMAN: Are you ok? WILSON: Hey I'm not the one sym, I'm not the one sym, I'm not the one PRETENDING to kll someone what would it take for you to stay? Is it money? He wants you to stay! FOREMAN: He said that? WILSON: If I said he said that would that make a difference? [Phone starts to ring Wilson picks it up immediately, before it finishes the first ring.] FOREMAN: Are you sure you're ok? WILSON: [On the phone.] Hello? [Looks at his watch.] I'm leaving now. [Hangs up the phone, gets up and starts to leave.] I'm late for... a breast thing. You know he wants you, you know he's good, you know he can make you good, I don't know what I'm saying, you don't, I don't, you know what I'm saying, and you know I'm right, I got to go. [Cut to Wilson entering a patients room.] WILSON: [Talking extremely quickly.] Sorry it took me so long to get down here I'm Dr Wilson I guess Dr Stein's gone don't worry about it I'll talk to him when we're done. PATIENT: Dr Stein said they're probably calcium deposits. WILSON: Well with your medical history you don't want to take any chances. [Looks at the scans and has great difficulty getting a glove on.] I can't seem to put on my gloves today, it's weird. [Laughs. Eventually gets the glove on.] Ok well that's fine one's enough lets have a look. [Starts to feel her breasts.] PATIENT: You sure talk fast. WILSON: This is nothing you should see me when we're busy. [Winks. She gives him a weird look.] I just winked at you, I just I've never winked at a patient in my life I have no idea I am so sorry I have no idea what I was thinking. PATIENT: It's ok. WILSON: No its not I was hitting on you, I mean I wasn't I wasn't consciously hitting on you but what else could you think? PATIENT: That you were being reassuring? WILSON: Yeah that would make sense on the other hand I [Starts breathing heavily.] I feel like my hearts going to explode. [Sits down.] PATIENT: Are you ok? WILSON: I feel a little sweaty am I sweating? PATIENT: Yeah. [Wilson starts to try and feel his pulse, with his glove still on.] Is something wrong? WILSON: I can't I cant [Realises his glove is on, takes it off.] I put on gloves to do a breast exam perfect. [Takes the heart monitor thing from her finger.] Sorry. [Puts it on his and watches the screen. Continues to breath heavily. The monitor starts beeping. He stands up as he looks at it.] It's 185! 185! [Confused.] 185? [Thinks, suddenly realises what is happening.] Excuse me I have to go kll someone. [Leaves.] [Cut to Wilson banging on the door to House's house. House opens the door.] WILSON: You dosed me! HOUSE: Yes... I did, but only because you didn't trust me! Your best friend. WILSON: [Walks in] You could have klled me! HOUSE: Amphetamines aren't going to kll you. [Shuts the door.] WILSON: You don't know my medical history! I... I could've... you could've given me a heart attck. HOUSE: [Laughs.] Well a heart attck is not going to kll you, you were in a hospital. [Wilson yawns.] Aha! You yawned! WILSON: Aha! You tried to kll me. HOUSE: I put you on uppers and you still yawned. Means it's a symptom, of being a big fat liar. [Wilson rolls his eyes.] Yawning is a symptom of some antidepressants, apparently the ones you're on. WILSON: I'm not on antidepressants I'm on SPEED! HOUSE: Well that means it's a symptom of a cerebral tumour, you've got 6 weeks to live. Mr. Well-adjusted is as messed up as the rest of us. Why would you keep that a secret? Are you ashamed of recognising how pathetic your life is? WILSON: It's not a secret House it's it's... it's personal! HOUSE: How long has it been personal? WILSON: It's personal! HOUSE: Yawning's recent so either you just started or you changed prescription. WILSON: [Holds out his hands.] This is why I take them. HOUSE: They're antidepressants not anti-annoyance-sants. You'd think this would naturally come up in conversation with... WILSON: Oh don't act hurt, you don't care! HOUSE: On one of those occasions when you're pompously lecturing me on what to do to fix my life. WILSON: You wouldn't take them! You'd rather OD on Vicodin or stick electrodes in your head because you can say you did it to get high. The only reason to take antidepressants is because you're depressed, you have to admit that you're depressed. HOUSE: Give me. [Holds out his hand.] WILSON: Are you going to admit that... HOUSE: Nope. I'm going to prove that I'm not depressed. WILSON: Hahaha [Shakes his head]... Well I can't give you my prescription, you've got to meet with a psychiatrist, you need a whole work up. [Breathing heavily.] Give me a Vicodin so I don't stroke. [House chucks him the bottle. Wilson pops a pill. And grabs a coffee cup off the side table. ] HOUSE: I... Wouldn't drink that. [Wilson stares at him.] My leg hurt and I [points towards the bathroom. Wilson puts the cup down.] [Cut to House in bed asleep. The phone is ringing. Someone walks in and wakes him up, it's Cameron.] CAMERON: House. [House is startled awake.] Why didn't you pick up the phone, I've been calling. HOUSE: I was sleeping. [Cameron turns on the light, House shies away from it.] CAMERON: What did you do? HOUSE: Nothing! This is how regular people look when you wake them up. CAMERON: Chase was wrong. Addie's kidneys shut down. [House half smiles.] [Cut to Cameron explaining to the rest what has happened, in the Diagnostics Office.] CAMERON: Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome shut down Addie's kidneys. Peripheral smear of red cells had schistocytes. HOUSE: Huh. HUS is usually caused by an infection or a protein deficiency. [Sits down and starts going through his mail. By going through I mean looking at the labels and throwing them in the bin.] What coincidence I know a patient with an infection and a protein deficiency, you think it's possible there is a connection? [Gets to the last letter and starts to open it.] I want to hear you say it Chase, it will please me. CHASE: Doesn't mean you're right. You predicted cardiac arrest, INSTANT cardiac arrest. HOUSE: There were only two choices, since yours was wrong mine must have been right. Either that or we missed the leprechaun. CAMERON: If you're right then there's nothing to be done. The steroid treatment we gave her means when the next infection hits it'll ht hard. Liver failure, cardiac arrest. HOUSE: But on the bright side, it confirms my diagnosis. [Foreman and Cameron both shake their heads, House smiles.] Don't you see how incredible this call was? A protein deficiency, can't be tested, can't be seen. I called it based on coughing blood. FOREMAN: You're happy about this. CAMERON: She's going to die. HOUSE: That's not my fault, she was going to die anyway. Now, thanks to me, at least she'll know why. CHASE: I'm sure you'll see that gratitude in her eyes when you tell her. HOUSE: I'm not telling her. FOREMAN: I'm not telling her. HOUSE: No one's telling her. Not until we're sure I'm right. FOREMAN: We're going to wait for her to stroke or have a heart attck to confirm before we tell her? HOUSE: Seems like the humane approach. [Leaves and goes into his office.] [Cut to Montage of Chase, then Cameron then Foreman checking on Addie. While Foreman is there Addie has a heart attck and Foreman starts to shock her.] [Cut to House watching skateboarding on the TV in his office. Foreman walks in, House reluctantly turns off the TV.] FOREMAN: Her heart went into V-fib. I brought her back, barely. Congratulations, you have your confirmation. [House gets up and starts to leave, presumably to tell Addie she is going to die. Foreman calls out after him.] What's her name? HOUSE: Who? The co-ed? FOREMAN: Sure. HOUSE: [Thinks.] dad hm girl? FOREMAN: You know her father's name? HOUSE: Dad. Her Mother's name is Mummy. FOREMAN: Ben and Jodie are about to lose their only daughter, Addie. HOUSE: You think they're going to give a crap if I know their names? Five years from now when the father's looking at photographs of his daughter graduating from high school they're not going to remember the nice black doctor who called them by their first name. [Foreman starts to leave, shaking his head.] You don't want to quit. FOREMAN: You saying you don't want me to quit? HOUSE: Didn't sound like I said that. I'm saying that suddenly you're trying to turn me into a kinder gentler ass. So you know who you are. You figure if you can make me decent and caring then maybe there's a hope for... FOREMAN: You are about to tell a girl she is dying and you think it's about you. God I hope I'm not you. [Leaves.] [Cut to House entering Addie's room.] HOUSE: I'm sorry. Addie you're dying. JODIE: Are you sure? HOUSE: Yes. Your infections will get worse, the toxins will spill into your blood. ADDIE: How long? HOUSE: Two days, maybe less. You have a condition called... ADDIE: It doesn't matter. HOUSE: It's a very rare protein deficiency that only... ADDIE: I don't want to hear it. [House looks at the parents who are crying Addie stares him down.] HOUSE: Ok. [Leaves but watches through the door as Addie comforts her mother. Then goes back in. Half laughs.] It's what's klling you. This is what's klling you, you're not interested in what's klling you? ADDIE: Will it make any difference? Will I live any longer? JODIE: Please, could you just leave? HOUSE: [Smiling.] What's the point in living, without curiosity? Without craving the... ADDIE: So I'm screwing up my last few hours because I wont listen to you? BEN: Get out of here. HOUSE: [Smiling still.] It's, it's, it's like the... dark matter in the universe... ADDIE: You're smiling. HOUSE: No I'm not. You can only diagnose a problem by looking at what's... [Sees a reflection on himself, smiling.] Missing... oh god... I have to go. [Leaves.] [Cut to House barging into Wilson's office, waking him up, he was asleep on the couch with the lights off.] WILSON: [Startled.] Ahh. HOUSE: [Loudly.] 19 year old didn't want to hear the coolest explanation of why she's going to die. [Shuts the door, loudly]. Begged me to shut up. [Turns the light on.] WILSON: If you can't shut up at least talk quietly. HOUSE: Amphetamine withdrawal's a bitch. She thought that I was happy. WILSON: [Sits up.] You were happy. HOUSE: No! I was hazy. I don't get hazy on Vicodin, or anything else I throw down. Which means I was throwing down something I didn't know I was throwing down. Which got me to wondering, why didn't you give me those happy pills? WILSON: I told you, you got to be checked out by... HOUSE: No, you just didn't want me double dosing. [Wilson starts looking guilty, he knows the games up.] You dosed me! Those coffees... WILSON: They worked! You've been smiling, relaxed, happy! HOUSE: A dying girl thought I was happy. A moron thought I was happy. Who the hell doesn't want to know why she's dying? WILSON: House was happy. HOUSE: Hazy. WILSON: Happy. HOUSE: Hazy! WILSON: Oh right a dying girl mistook hazy for happy, because dying people see happiness everywhere. She's miserable. HOUSE: She wasn't miserable. WILSON: Of course she was miserable you just told her she was... HOUSE: She was no different then she ever been. [Epiphany.] She was no different than she'd ever been.... Oh god. I got to go. [Leaves and slams the door behind him, much to the dismay of Wilson who cringes and rubs his face.] [Cut to House walking into Addie's room.] HOUSE: Need a minute with your daughter. BEN: Dr House get out of here before... HOUSE: She's going to live, does that help? Now get out. JODIE: Are you jerking us around? HOUSE: Get out! [Parents leave, House shuts the door.] You... Have got leprechauns in ya. [Said in an Irish accent.] Depression manifests in lots of different ways. Some people can't get out of bed all day. Others have serial relationships and become oncologists. ADDIE: I'm dying I'm not depressed. HOUSE: Wrong and wrong. You tried to kll yourself by throwing down kitchen cleanser. Now most normal suicidal morons would have just drank the stuff, brned the hell out of their mouth and throat, painful, but not deadly. But being a college educated suicidal moron you wrapped it in gel caps or gum. [We follow the gel cap along its path down the throat and into the intestines where it dissolves and starts burning a hole.] Which left no trace but brned a hole in your intestine. But the body can repair almost anything, which is cool. But in your case scar tissue closed up the hole but it also formed a bridge between a vein and an artery. [We see the bridge being formed.] Now veins are supposed to help the intestine flush bacteria away but the bridge allowed the bacteria entrance to the artery. [We see the bacteria crossing the bridge.] Where they got a free ride, everywhere. ADDIE: [Starts to cry.] Can you fix me? HOUSE: Surgery to fix the bridge will take about 2 hours. Psychotherapy is going to take a little longer. Why'd you do it? ADDIE: I don't know. I've just, never been happy. [Crying.] Please don't tell my parents, they'll blame themselves and it's not their fault, please, you can't tell them. HOUSE: Technically, all you have to do is promise me that you wont do it again and legally I can't tell them. ADDIE: [Composes herself.] I promise. HOUSE: Yeah sure. [Aerial of PPTH, Day.] [Visual of Addie in surgery, Parents are waiting outside the OR, House walks up to them. They smile when they see him.] JODIE: We can't thank you... HOUSE: Your daughter tried to k*ll herself. That's why she's here. Legally I'm supposed to keep that between me and her. Which makes sense, she's obviously an adult, capable of her own well-reasoned decisions. BEN: You're sure? HOUSE: If she doesn't die in the next couple of hours, yeah, I'm right. JODIE: How could she hide this? HOUSE: Everyone has secrets. BEN: We'll take care of her, figure it out. HOUSE: You'll make her happy? BEN: We'll get her into therapy. HOUSE: [Nods.] Might want to try some meds too. [Starts to leave.] JODIE: [Follows him.] Can we call you? [House turns around.] If we have any questions? [Smiles.] HOUSE: No. [Jodie is shocked. House leaves.] [Cut to Cuddy watching Addie's operation from the observation deck, Foreman walks in.] FOREMAN: What's up? CUDDY: Nothing. FOREMAN: You wanted to see me? CUDDY: Yeah. [Foreman looks at surgery.] FOREMAN: House's patient. CUDDY: Yeah, the one that would have died if not for him. FOREMAN: Subtle. CUDDY: Thanks. You're really scared you'll turn into him? FOREMAN: Don't tell me I'm better than him, don't tell me to take the good leave the bad, Cameron already tried. CUDDY: I'm telling you there are worse things to turn into. FOREMAN: It's not worth it. [Leaves.] [Cut to House walking into a bar. He sits down next to Honey.] HONEY: I didn't think you were going to show. HOUSE: Sorry. Surgery went a little late. HONEY: So you really think I have all the necessary qualifications? HOUSE: I can't discuss this with a dry mouth. What have you got there? HONEY: Peppermint tea. HOUSE: [To the barman.] I'm going to have a mug of peppermint tea please. HONEY: This isn't a job interview is it? HOUSE: It's some kind of interview. You're judging me, I'm judging you. HONEY: You have the upper hand. I don't know anything about you. HOUSE: I'm on antidepressants because a doctor friend of mine thinks I'm miserable. I don't like them they make me hazy. I eat meat, like drugs, and I'm not always faithful to the women I date. HONEY: You don't seem depressed. HOUSE: You do realise you just skipped over several deep character flaws that most women would run screaming from? HONEY: You told the truth. HOUSE: Yeah... I don't always do that either. HONEY: Well, how miserable can you be saving lives, sleeping around and doing drugs? [Smiles.] HOUSE: We're you on the debating team in high school? [Barman pours House's tea.] Also... [Picking it up.] I hate tea. [Drinks it, then smiles.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x22 - Resignation"}	foreverdreaming
[Auditorium. Day. Focus on a chess clock. A hand slaps the clock and then moves a white pawn on the chessboard. Almost immediately, another hand slaps the clock and moves his black piece forward (diagonally in front of the white pawn). Slap. White pawn takes black pawn. The camera moves upwards, showing a Speed Chess Tournament in progress. Three rows of chessboards (mounted on tables), proctors' table in front. Players move fast and slap their clocks. In the midst of the players is Nate Harrison, 16, chess prodigy (playing white). He plays with an older player (lets call him Ben), taunting his every move.] NATE: So you want me to explain how you just lost? [Ben looks up, smiling humourlessly.] NATE: Or do you wanna stare at the board your full... [checks the clock] three minutes? Cling to hope? [Ben slowly places his fingers on a black pawn. Nate smirks and sits back, acting bored.] NATE: C'mon. It's called speed chess. [Ben has had just about enough. The two of them start giving new meaning to speed chess. Black pawn takes white pawn. Slap. Nate moves his bishop. Slap. Black knight takes white bishop. Slap. White rook takes black knight. Slap. Ben moves his king. Slap. Nate moves his rook. Slap. Black king takes white queen. Slap. Nate moves his rook in line with the black king. Slap. Ben takes the rook. Slap. Nate moves a pawn (three in a row). Slap. Nate looks at Ben, who seems unsure now. Nate exhales sharply through his mouth. Ben moves his king. Slap. Nate rests his head on his hand and looks at Ben, a snide grin on his face.] NATE: [singing quietly] Na-na na-na... na-na na-na... hey-hey-hey... [He slowly moves his knight. Ben looks panicked. Nate looks up at him as he finishes singing.] NATE: [singing] ... good-bye. [Nate taps his knight on the black knight in front of the king. Ben knows it's over. Nate slaps the white knight to the side of the black knight, effectively checkmating Ben. He slaps the clock with finality. With a pursed grin, he sits back. Ben looks, almost desperately, for any opening. He sees none. Finally, with a sporting grin and nod, he places his finger on his king and lays it down. Nate raises his hands in victory and sighs. Ben stands and holds out his hand to Nate.] BEN: Good game. [Nate doesn't seem to be very interested in this sporting gesture right now. He grimaces tightly. Ben looks around, bemused, and then back at Nate.] BEN: [persisting] I said "good game". [Nate, his head still lowered, still grimacing tightly, stands. He winces sharply in pain. Ben still stands, hand held out. Nate looks up at Ben, an enraged look on his face. He grabs the chess clock and swings it at Ben's face. WHAM!! The clock smashes into Ben's face, knocking him to the ground. The other people immediately turn to look, proctors running over to help. Nate jumps over the table and strikes Ben again in the head, multiple times. Screams are heard. Ben's face is covered in his blood; Nate's, however, is covered with uncontrolled rage. The proctors come running to rescue Ben.] PROCTOR: Hey! Hey! [Nate keeps hammering away on the unconscious Ben. As he's about to strike again, a proctor comes running up from behind and grabs his hand, yanking away the clock.] PROCTOR: Stop it! Stop that! [He throws the bloody clock to the floor. Three others join in and drag a struggling Nate away from the profusely-bleeding Ben.] PROCTOR: Back away from him! Back away! [A female proctor comes over to check up on Ben. She removes her sweater and applies it to Ben's face. She seems appalled at the sight. The proctors push Nate down near the proctor's table. Nate grasps his head in agony.] FEMALE PROCTOR: [trying not to panic] Call nine-one-one! Get an ambulance! [A proctor crouches next to Nate, who is holding his head and squirming on the floor.] PROCTOR: Tell them to send two! NATE: [through clenched teeth] My head's gonna explode! [cries out] Aaaah! [PPTH, Nate's room. Nate is lying in his bed, still holding his head, but in much less pain than before. His mother, Enid Harrison, stands nearby, while Chase looks through an illuminated magnifying glass into Nate's eyes.] CHASE: Your head still hurt? NICK: You a moron? [Chase looks at Nate in surprise.] ENID: [admonishing] Nate. NATE: I'm clutching my head in pain, and he asks if it hurts? [to Chase] What are you, some kind of med student? You look like you still have theme birthday parties. [Chase hardly looks flattered.] ENID: [to Chase, sheepishly] Sorry. CHASE: [staying professional] Any problems concentrating in school lately? NATE: Uh, besides the dreams of running my tongue along my French teacher's breasts? No, I'm doing quite great. [Chase wonders at the kid's irreverence.] CHASE: The rage and pain could be caused by a parasite. Does he eat a lot of sushi? ENID: No. Uh, he was a vegetarian until just a few months ago. CHASE: Any changes in behaviour since the new diet? ENID: [sadly] No. He's been this way since he became a teenager. It doesn't matter how much I yell or punish, he's still gonna say... NATE: [mock-crying] Yeah, let's all shed a tear for poor little Nate's mother. [mock-cries a little more, stops] Any more stupid questions? ENID: Nate! [Chase looks like he's ready to deck the little punk.] [PPTH, Diagnostics Office. The Ducklings and House are present. Chase angrily writes "RAGE" on the whiteboard.] CHASE: I hate this... kid. HOUSE: I like this kid. CHASE: You haven't met him. HOUSE: I know you hate him. What more do I need to know? [addressing everyone] The kid's not a cliché. Anybody can get into a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to bat up someone you just bat. CAMERON: Pain's not limited to his head. CHASE: The rest is bumps and bruises accounted for by the seventeen fights he's been in this semester. CAMERON: Concussion? CHASE: MRI was clean. No frontal lobe tumor. And the tox screen showed no trace of coke or amphetamines. FOREMAN: Nate went medieval on the other kid. Could be... HOUSE: Hold on. [closing his eyes] I'm having a moment. This... [imitates choking back a sob] this could be Foreman's last time mistakenly suggesting adrenal gland tumor. [Cameron finds the joke funny enough to smile at.] FOREMAN: Which could create excess adrenaline. Causes the head pain and rage. HOUSE: But not the personality disorder. FOREMAN: There is no personality disorder. He's a teenager. HOUSE: Being a teenager excuses the odd inappropriate comment. This kid say anything appropriate? [announcing] He's having cluster headaches. Probably been having them for years. Question is, what's causing them? FOREMAN: If it were just a cluster headache, he'd have swelling around the eyes. [House starts writing "PERSONALITY" on the whiteboard.] HOUSE: ER gave him ibuprofen for the pain. Useless for this pain. It could have knocked down the swelling. Best bet is a vascular problem. CAMERON: [reads a file] Normal treatment for cluster headaches is steroids, which the ER also gave him. He's still in pain. Which means... HOUSE: [turns around] Normal treatment is called normal treatment because sometimes you have to use abnormal treatment. Start him on blood thinners and give his noggin Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. [The Ducklings start to get up.] HOUSE: Don't you dare... touch that acerbic wit. [He goes into his office.] [PPTH, Outside Diagnostics Office/Hallway (continuous). The Ducklings walk out of the office, heading for the elevator.] CHASE: Fifty bucks to whichever of you steps up and treats this brat. CAMERON: Not the kid's fault, he's sick. CHASE: Fine! You do it. CAMERON: [turns, smiling] No way. He's your brat. FOREMAN: I'll do it. But I've got a job interview after work. Anything comes up later, you guys handle it. CAMERON: [supportive] Need a peer recommendation? FOREMAN: Thanks. [He looks at Chase for a similar gesture.] CHASE: Cameron's should suffice. [With a pout, he walks off. Foreman looks at Cameron. She shrugs, smiling, and follows Chase into the elevator. Foreman shakes his head and walks off-screen.] [TMS Room. Foreman administers TMS to Nate. He holds a plastic handheld console over Nate's head, while looking in the monitors at the results.] NATE: This isn't gonna turn me into some, like, drooling vegetable wets his pants, is it? FOREMAN: It's safe. The magnetic pulses activate nerve cells which will hopefully squelch the head pain. NATE: Is there anything you can do about the other pain? FOREMAN: From the fights? NATE: Yeah, I mean, my face, my shoulder, my stomach. I can barely bend my fingers. FOREMAN: You're already on pain meds. Nothing more I can do. NATE: Sure you can, man. Tell your [pounds his chest lightly] homies to quit stomping on me! FOREMAN: [smirking] I'll get the word out that you're a great guy. NATE: [looking at Foreman] So, do people watch what they say around you? FOREMAN: Because I'm black? NATE: [laughs] No, because you're gay. [Foreman lowers the console and looks at Nate, having pretty much the same thoughts Chase had previously towards him.] [Outside TMS Room. Enid watches the procedure, while Chase explains it to her.] CHASE: Cluster headaches can persist for years, cause irritability or even hostility towards others. ENID: You mean, the illness is affecting his personality? CHASE: If these treatments work, it could... ENID: ... change him? CHASE: Yeah. ENID: [tears of joy] Oh, thank God. [Chase seems surprised.] ENID: [looking at him] Oh. Oh, you must think I'm awful. Here, my son's lying in a hospital bed and... CHASE: [understanding] I-I'm pretty sure I get it. ENID: [shrugging] I thought I was a bad mother. And I hated myself. Because I hated him. [Off Chase, we...] [Aerial View of PPTH. Day.] HOUSE: [vo] What do you got for me this... [PPTH Diagnostics Office. House enters, wearing his jacket, bag around his shoulder and his Bitchin' Cane in his hand. The Ducklings are already there.] HOUSE: ... fine morning? CHASE: Blood thinners and TMS had no effect. It's not cluster headaches. HOUSE: You accusing the symptoms of lying? [He goes to the pantry. In the foreground, Foreman stands, not looking particularly cheerful.] CAMERON: Could be hemochromatosis. HOUSE: Wouldn't account for the personality disorder. [House looks at Foreman (at his right, facing away from him), noticing the sour face.] CAMERON: What about hypothyroidism? HOUSE: He's not getting aggressive and lethargic, he's getting aggressive and aggressiver. CAMERON: What about ruptured dermoid cyst? [House feigns staggering backwards.] HOUSE: Sorry. Just got dizzy there. I was expecting to turn right. It's Foreman's turn to be sht down. FOREMAN: [hardly amused] The thing that Cameron said. HOUSE: Way to think outside the box. [Cameron and Chase exchange "huh?" looks.] HOUSE: But no fat in the ventricles. It's cluster headaches. CHASE: Normal treatment didn't work. Abnormal treatment didn't work. HOUSE: Good point, Foreman! [Foreman stands quietly, arms folded.] HOUSE: The treatments don't always work. Symptoms never lie. [He takes a swig of "ONS" Energy Drink.] CAMERON: The only approved treatment left for cluster headaches is brain surgery. And that's not even a guarantee. HOUSE: [shouting into Foreman's ear] Back off, Foreman! [Foreman doesn't even react. Cameron looks really baffled and looks at a similarly clueless Chase.] HOUSE: If the approved treatment doesn't work, we go with an unapproved treatment. [He limps off. Foreman looks at him and follows, still angry.] [PPTH, Outside Diagnostics Office, continuous. Foreman strides up to House.] FOREMAN: Hey! [House turns and keeps limping towards the elevator.] HOUSE: Something on your mind? [House hits the elevator button.] HOUSE: Because you totally can't tell. FOREMAN: I had a job interview lined up at New York Mercy yesterday. HOUSE: Hospital for Manhattan's glitterati. Big coup. Your homies must be kvelling. FOREMAN: [mad] Didn't happen, because apparently I called to cancel. I don't remember making that call. You think I have neurological issue? HOUSE: Yes. [The elevator dings and the doors open. Two other people are already on it.] FOREMAN: [shouting] Why are you jerking me around? HOUSE: It wasn't me. [He enters the elevator.] FOREMAN: Yeah! It was one of the other petty, socially repressed asses I work for. [He joins House in the elevator.] HOUSE: Maybe it was Ashton Kutcher. [The elevator doors close.] [PPTH Lobby. House and Foreman make way for the other passengers to get off the elevator and walk off themselves.] FOREMAN: If you want me to stay, tell me you want me to stay. HOUSE: Would it matter? FOREMAN: No, but it'd be the adult way to handle it. HOUSE: If the adult way doesn't work, why bother with it? [Foreman, at the end of his rope, stops. House turns to face him.] FOREMAN: I've been totally professional! Gave two weeks notice, continued to work cases! Scheduled my interviews on my own time! You have no right to screw with my future. HOUSE: You're gonna be all whiny during the differential diagnoses, aren't you? [Foreman sighs in frustration and starts to walk away.] HOUSE: [calling after him] It wasn't me. [Foreman turns.] HOUSE: I only sabotage people I consider worth it. [Foreman walks away, not feeling any better. House thinks about it and has a thought. He turns and walks towards the clinic.] [PPTH, Cuddy's Office. Cuddy is at a desk near the door, with Nurse Unger (holding a file) hovering over her shoulder. House enters.] HOUSE: [dramatically, pointing his cane at her] You are one evil,... cunning woman. It's a massive turn-on. [Cuddy almost seems flattered, though she seems to have no idea what he's talking about.] HOUSE: You girls can gossip later. CUDDY: What are you talking about? HOUSE: [takes a seat] You called New York Mercy to have Foreman's job interview klled. [Cuddy seems genuinely surprised.] HOUSE: [to Nurse Unger] When I said, "You girls can gossip later," I was throwing you out, but in a polite way. [Nurse Unger grabs her files from Cuddy and leaves.] CUDDY: Well, I take it you're off your antidepressants. HOUSE: Ah, you're deflecting. Only I'm allowed to do that. [drinks his energy drink] CUDDY: Does Foreman actually think I did that? HOUSE: No, just me. But I know something he doesn't. I didn't do it. CUDDY: Why would I do it? HOUSE: Do you want him to leave? CUDDY: No. HOUSE: Were you planning on doing something? CUDDY: I'm waiting for board approval. HOUSE: But if he takes the job, there's nothing to be done. You had to stop him. [She gets up from the smaller desk, files in hand, and walks towards her larger desk.] CUDDY: Wasn't me. [She places the files on a cabinet and starts to go through them, when she becomes aware of House standing behind her, at almost an arm's distance. Amused, she turns to face him.] CUDDY: What are you doing? HOUSE: Looking for a tell. Rapid eye blink, twitch of the lips. CUDDY: [ushering him out] Send in Nurse Unger when you pass her on your way out. [House stops near the door.] HOUSE: Oh! Almost forgot. I need to give a sixteen-year-old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. Is that cool? CUDDY: [deadpan] Yeah, no problem. [House nods and walks out. Cuddy looks fearfully at House leaving, suddenly coming to the realisation that sarcasm with House isn't the best idea. She races out after him.] [PPTH, Lobby. Cuddy catches up with House.] CUDDY: I was being sarcastic. [House turns and keeps walking. Cuddy walks with him, towards the elevator.] HOUSE: Wouldn't look that way in the court transcript. Mushrooms have psilocybins that work on cluster headaches. It's either that or cutting into his brain and going on a fishing expedition. [They stop at the elevator.] CUDDY: I assume you've considered he could have a psychogenic experience. Possibly suffer a fit of severe paranoia. HOUSE: [pretends to think] Well, I have now. Yeah, it's definitely better that the Dean of Medicine prescribes it instead of an unhinged doctor with a history of drug use. Takes the stink off if the patient decides to put on a cape and fly off the roof. [He takes a sip of his energy drink.] CUDDY: Low dose. No more than ten milligrams. Tightly controlled setting. [The elevator dings, door opens.] CUDDY: And make sure the mother signs off on it. HOUSE: Party on, Garth. And don't stand in Foreman's way. It's just wrong. [Cuddy smiles at him, eyes closed. The elevator door closes.] [PPTH, Nate's room. Chase and Cameron stand at the door with Enid, who goes through a consent form, while Nate lies in bed, still holding his head with his left hand, able to hear them.] CHASE: New research shows that a chemical component in the mushrooms can be... NATE: [interrupting] Yeah, lots of technical medical stuff. So, when do I get 'em? ENID: I went to college. I know about mushrooms. A friend of a friend sht himself in the foot. NATE: [sighs in exasperation] They're not giving me a gn, Enid! Sign the consent form. CHASE: We'll be monitoring him, but cardiac arrest is possible. NATE: [air-writing] Big E... small N... ENID: [apprehensive] And if... the mushrooms don't work? [In frustration, Nate puts both hands to his head.] CAMERON: The next step would be a type of brain surgery. ENID: Oh, God. NATE: Pain's gettin' worse! Need... 'shrooms... now! [Enid signs.] CUE MUSIC: Iron Butterfly's "In-a-gadda-da-vida" [Nate's room, later. Safe to assume Nate got his 'shrooms. The camera rotates slowly as it zooms downward towards Nate's face as the music plays. He opens his eyes, a wasted smile on his face.] NATE: Oh, yeah. [Chase and Cameron stand in front of his bed.] CHASE: Nate, how's the pain? NATE: Hey, hey! [NATE'S POV: Psychedelically-coloured double-vision of Chase and Cameron.] NATE: It's Skippy, the bush kangaroo! [Chase, of course, doesn't seem too flattered. Cameron seems to find it funny.] CHASE: Your head, Nate. We need to know how the pain is. NATE: [drawling] What I got here... is the opposite of pain. CAMERON: That means you're suffering from cluster headaches. Which means, hopefully... [NATE'S POV: He looks at Cameron.] NATE: [laughs] Man, you're hot! [to Chase, wide-eyed] She's making me horny. CHASE: Deal with it. NATE: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can't get me stoned, then not close the deal. CHASE: [under his breath] Shut up. CAMERON: [whispering to Chase] Take it easy. He's not well. NATE: [laughs] You'll regret saying no. Check it out. [He opens his gown, exposing himself to them. Cameron recoils, while Chase moves to cover him up.] CHASE: [in disgust] Oh, for God's sake. [Nate laughs. Cameron takes a look, but sees something (medically!!) interesting.] CAMERON: Hold it. [She holds Nate's gown open, looking at his groin.] CHASE: What're you doing? [She looks closer, while Nate sighs in satisfaction.] [PPTH, Nurse's Station/Hallway. Cameron bends over the 'station, while Chase stands nearby.] CAMERON: He has undersized testes. [House jerks up from underneath the counter.] CAMERON: His other secondary sexual characteristics are normal. HOUSE: If you wanna curry favor with me, avoid discussions of other men's testicles. [A nurse testily holds a fifty-cent coin in front of him (obviously that's what he was looking for). Cameron raises her eyebrows. House looks sheepish.] HOUSE: [to the nurse] Thanks. [to Cameron] Focus on phrases like "You were right about the cluster headaches." [They walk away from the nurse's station and roam the hallways.] CHASE: But wrong about what caused them. Vascular problem in a major artery wouldn't cause hypogonadism. HOUSE: Okay, what causes rage, headaches, personality disorder and hypogonadism? CAMERON: [looking around] Where's Foreman? HOUSE: He's mad at me. CAMERON: Why? HOUSE: No reason. CHASE: [scoffs] Yeah, that makes sense. HOUSE: Male genitals are controlled by the hypothalamus and pituitary gland. We're not talking about Foreman anymore. CAMERON: The kid's being pummeled at school. A couple blows to the head could cause hypothalamic lesions. We ever gonna talk about what happens when Foreman's gone? HOUSE: If this were an employee-owned airline in Scandinavia, yes. It's not lesions. His temperature would be all over the map. Symptoms don't lie. CAMERON: [re: Foreman] He's gone in less than a week and you haven't even read a résumé? [They stop at the elevator.] CHASE: Doesn't even need to. The two of us can handle it. Craniopharyngioma fits the symptoms. [The elevator dings, door opens.] HOUSE: [jerks a nod] Biopsy the brat's pituitary. [enters the elevator] And let the record show I was right about the cluster headaches. [Elevator door closes.] [Nate's Room. Cameron and Chase speak to a now-sober Nate (seated in bed) and Enid about the procedure.] NATE: Forget it! CAMERON: It's a straightforward procedure. We thread an endoscopic tube through the nostril... NATE: And cut something out of my brain? No way. CAMERON: If it's a tumor, it could kll you. NATE: Just give me more 'shrooms, okay? I'll be fine. ENID: You only need my consent, right? CHASE: Yeah, but it'll be a lot easier if he... ENID: [interrupting] Do whatever you have to do. NATE: [points at Chase] You don't touch me, all right? [points at Cameron] You can touch me. Just not my brain. ENID: Nate, you gotta do this. I can't take it anymore. NATE: [sighs in frustration] My God, Mom! Save me the melodramatic hand-wringing, okay? Loosen up! Get yourself coited. [Enid looks hurt at this outburst.] CHASE: [turning] I'm gonna give him a sedative. [Cameron agrees. Chase goes to a medical cabinet nearby.] NATE: [sleepy-eyed] You're decent-looking, Dr. Skippy. [Enid looks confused, as does Chase. Nate starts to sway, appearing disoriented.] NATE: [glassy look] Why don't you take her for a ride? CAMERON: Nate... [Nate blinks.] [NATE'S POV: Blurred vision. Cameron looks at the camera, her voice slow and deep.] CAMERON: Are you in pain? [NATE'S POV: The light from the window engulfs Cameron's face.] [Nate's eyes roll up and he drops backwards in bed, unconscious.] ENID: [scared] Nate! [Cameron and Chase hurry to check on him.] CAMERON: His heart rate's normal. Respiration's even. ENID: [panicked] What's happening? What's the matter with him? [Chase shines his flashlight into Nate's mouth. He pushes down Nate's lower lip to expose his yellow gums.] CHASE: He's jaundiced. His liver's shutting down. [Zoom into Nate's face.] [PPTH, ICU, Outside Nate's room. Nate is lying unconscious on his bed, hooked up to IV drips.] CHASE: [voice-only] We started him on sodium polystyrene sulfonate. [PPTH, Diagnostics Office. The whiteboard now reads: PERSONALITY RAGE HEAD PAIN HYPOGONADISM LIVER FAILURE House stands in front of it, while the Chase and Cameron stand behind. Foreman sits at the table, still sulking.] CHASE: His liver's operating at about twenty percent and deteriorating fast. HOUSE: Which means he'll be dad long before Foreman turns in his parking pass. So, what causes personality disorder, head pain, blah-blah-blah, and liver failure? CHASE: Liver failure can cause hypogonadism, head pain. Altered mental status leads to the personality disorder and rage. All we need to do is figure out what caused the liver failure. HOUSE: Yes. Also, we need to figure out how symptoms yesterday can be caused by liver failure today. [steals a look at Foreman] CAMERON: If his liver's failing now, it wasn't great yesterday. If it wasn't operating at capacity, it could have caused... [While Cameron speaks, House looks at Foreman and recoils backward as if suddenly scared.] HOUSE: Ooh-aah! Whoa! [Foreman looks at him, the sour look still fixed on his face.] HOUSE: [scolding] Don't sneak up on a person like that. FOREMAN: [monotone] I'm listening. HOUSE: Well, listening doesn't help me. Okay. Let's go with the liver and a time-machine theory. Foreman, what causes liver problems? FOREMAN: Wilson's disease. CHASE: No. Ceruloplasmin's normal. CAMERON: No enlargement and no palpable mass, so no cancer. CHASE: Could be a narrowing of the bile ducts. Primary sclerosingcholangitis. HOUSE: Most liver damage begins with what we put in our bodies. Foreman? FOREMAN: [resigned look] Angry teen... alcohol. CHASE: [emphatically] No. Blood tests were negative. CAMERON: No signs of drug use or acetaminophen poisoning in his tox screen. Maybe the water was contaminated. [Foreman's beeper goes off.] CHASE: His mother would also be sick. [Foreman checks his beeper. House looks upwards, as if guessing who it could be.] HOUSE: Cuddy? [Foreman looks at him.] HOUSE: [shrugs] Sounded like someone with back. [jerking his head towards the door] Go. [Foreman gets up and walks out.] HOUSE: [as Foreman leaves] We'll try and muddle through without your blank stare to guide us. [to Cameron and Chase] So if it's not the bad things he's putting in, what about the good things? CHASE: He was raised a vegetarian. HOUSE: Was raised. Means he's all grown up. Or he's not a vegetarian anymore. CHASE: He started eating red meat a few months ago. CAMERON: Unless he's been buying cuts of mad cow, his body would have no problem metabolizing it. HOUSE: Would if he had an OTC deficiency. Body can't metabolize nitrogen, damages the liver. Run a hamburger test. [Chase and Cameron look puzzled.] HOUSE: It's exactly what it sounds like. Stuff him full of meat, wait for his ammonia levels to spike. [He goes to his office. Chase and Cameron leave.] [PPTH, Cuddy's office. Cuddy is at her desk, going through some paperwork. The door opens, she looks up. Foreman enters.] CUDDY: I'll double your salary. [He doesn't answer. She waits anyway.] FOREMAN: Chase and Cameron would mutiny if they found out. CUDDY: Chase and Cameron wouldn't be heading up their own diagnostic group. [hands him a folder] You'll work in parallel with House. It'll be your practice. Separate staff, separate cases. Complete autonomy. FOREMAN: [looks uncertain] I've only been doing this for three years. CUDDY: Three years under House. No better training. HOUSE: And when that case comes along that I can't figure out? You know who I'd have to go to. CUDDY: [deadpan at first] Or you can just let that patient die. That's completely up to you. [smiles sweetly] FOREMAN: [sighs] No. CUDDY: Why? FOREMAN: He's evil. CUDDY: He didn't sabotage your interview. FOREMAN: How do you know? CUDDY: [quickly] Because I did. [Foreman glares at her and starts to leave.] CUDDY: [calling after him] I didn't! You believed me - means you're not sure House did it. FOREMAN: Well, somebody did it. Somebody here did it. I can't work here. [He leaves. Cuddy looks sullen. She thinks about who it could be. Then, it strikes her.] [PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Under Enid's watchful (ever-tearful) eye, Chase and Cameron perform the "hamburger test" on Nate, who is sitting up in bed, in front of a food-tray, on which a plate, glass, Knfe and fork rest. Chase removes the lid off the plate, displaying three hamburger patties. Nate sits back, disappointed.] NATE: This isn't a medical procedure. This is just about Doogie making me eat garbage. CHASE: Need to see how your liver processes the proteins. NATE: Then get me a steak, some roast beef. ENID: What if I brought him something from home? [Frustrated at hearing his mother's voice again, Nate drops his head backwards into the pillow.] CHASE: It has to be prepared here so we know there's no chemicals or preservatives that could affect the test results. NATE: I'm not eating anything prepared by five-dollar-an-hour immigrant hospital cooks in hairnets. CHASE: [snaps] Shut up! [Nate looks at him.] CHASE: [advancing thrat] Either you start eating, or I'm gonna strap you to this bed and shove these down your throat one-by-one, got it? [Nate looks at him for a while, then smirks.] NATE: Can't get mad at me. I'm sick. [feigns coughing] You're supposed to feel bad for me. [Without missing a bat, Chase picks up the intercom.] CHASE: [into intercom] Nurse, full set of body restraints. NURSE: [from intercom] Yes, doctor. [Nate doesn't look so cocky anymore.] CHASE: [getting in Nate's face] Trust me. It'll be a lot less messy if you do it yourself. [A resentful look on his face, Nate looks at Cameron. Cameron motions for him to comply. Knowing he has no other option, he reluctantly picks up a burger and starts to eat it. Cameron looks relieved and genuinely impressed at Chase.] [PPTH, Nurse's Station. Cuddy marches up to Wilson, who is going over some paperwork in the 'station.] CUDDY: [accusing] You klled Foreman's job interview. [Wilson looks up in surprise. He thinks a couple of seconds.] WILSON: Why would I...? CUDDY: [speaks fast] Somebody did. Wasn't me, and it wasn't House, which means it has to be somebody who thought he was protecting House. Which means it has to be somebody who actually likes House. Which means it's either you or the... weird night janitor who wears his pants backwards. WILSON: I want Foreman to leave. [Cuddy looks astonished.] WILSON: House has to realize he needs someone who stands up to him. Cameron's in love with him, Chase is afraid of him, and I enable him. House needs limits. CUDDY: [protesting] I give him... WILSON: You authorize magic mushrooms. House is a six-year-old who thinks he's better off without parents. A few tummy aches after dinners of ice cream and ketchup might do him some good. CUDDY: [slyly] You're lying. [Wilson rolls his eyes.] CUDDY: An enabler doesn't conspire against, an enabler enables. [Wilson looks over her shoulder, looking shocked.] CUDDY: [looking back] What? WILSON: [looking at her] You're paranoid. [smiles] CUDDY: You made that call. And because of that call, you basically guaranteed Foreman's out of here. [She walks away. Wilson thinks.] [PPTH, Clinic, Exam Room Two. House's clinic patient is Doug, who sits shirtless on the table, displaying his badly sunburnt torso and face. There are eight circular lighter spots on his torso. His son, Mark, sits quietly at the side.] DOUG: I thought it would be fun to work on my boat with him. [jerks his thumb at Mark] HOUSE: And you went shirtless because... skin cancer looks cool. DOUG: Well, I realize I got burnt. [House looks at Mark, who looks down immediately.] DOUG: I'm not too worried about that. [pointing] It's these white marks, you know? [House gets off his stool and walks towards a cabinet.] HOUSE: Lie down. DOUG: [lying down] I mean, that boat has all sorts of, uh, lead paint, and there's... chemicals everywhere. HOUSE: [to Mark] When daddy works on his boat, does he have a cooler with lots of brown bottles with long necks? [House takes a syringe (sans needle) and pulls out the plunger with a pop sound. Mark nods.] HOUSE: [filling the syringe with water] And does daddy like to lie down on his boat and go nap-nap in the sun? [Mark nods again. House, syringe ominously held in his hand, steps forward. He spurts the water in it all over Doug's face.] DOUG: Oh! What-what the hell?! [Mark chuckles.] HOUSE: [holding the syringe out to Doug] I will give you this for the... [calculates] one dollar, forty one cents in your pocket. [Mark readily shoves his hand into his pocket to get the change.] DOUG: Wait, how could you know...? [Mark hands a bunch of coins to House and takes the syringe.] HOUSE: A psychic once told me that I'm psychic. [House begins to place the coins over the light spots on Doug's torso. The coins match the spots perfectly. Doug understands and sh*t his son a look. Mark shrugs guiltily.] HOUSE: Hey, one of these quarters is Canadian. [mad] Give me back my syringe. [Mark lets out an "easy-come-easy-go" sigh and hands it back to House, who snatches it back.] [PPTH, Clinic/Nurse's Station. House exits the exam room and finds the Ducklings (all of them) assembled outside. Foreman seems to have cooled down.] CAMERON: Hamburger stress test showed no change in his ammonia levels. FOREMAN: Liver's properly converting the ammonia into urea. He doesn't have OTC deficiency. HOUSE: Welcome back. FOREMAN: Sorry. I shouldn't have been taking my problems out on the patient. HOUSE: Or on me. Apology accepted. [walks to the Nurse's Station] Starve him. FOREMAN: And what are we looking for? HOUSE: [tossing Doug's file on the 'station] Diabetic steatosis would screw up his liver. Starve him overnight and see if his blood sugar pops. CHASE: We mess with his blood sugar, we could set off another rage. HOUSE: Not a problem. You can take him. [He walks away.] [PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Nate, standing and brandishing the IV pole, smashes a lamp. The attending nurse jumps back as he swings it at her. His mother tries to calm him down, but to no avail.] NATE: [yelling] I want something to eat! ENID: [pleading] Honey, please don't. [Foreman and Chase rush inside.] CHASE: What happened? NURSE: I was just trying to get a urine sample, and he went crazy. [Foreman gets a sedative.] NATE: I need to eat! [He sees Foreman with the syringe and holds the IV pole at him.] NATE: You're not sticking anything else in me! FOREMAN: It's just a few more hours. ENID: [fearful] You're gonna hurt yourself. NATE: [almost crying] I'm gonna hurt you! CHASE: As soon as we get a urine sample, we can leave you alone. NATE: You want your sample?! Here's your damn sample! FOREMAN: Nate, don't. [Nate stands and let's 'er rip. The urine falls near his feet, staining his gown. He smiles defiantly. Foreman shakes his head. Enid doesn't know how to react. Suddenly, the urine changes colour to blood red.] ENID: [frightened] Oh, my God. [Foreman looks shocked.] CHASE: Nate, you need to get back into bed. Right now. [Nate looks down and sees the blood red urine flowing out of him onto the floor and his gown. He reacts in shock.] [PPTH, ICU, Outside Nate's room. Nate is asleep, with Enid at his side. Nate is now hooked up to a dialysis machine.] CAMERON: [voice-only] Chem panel and urinalysis confirms the bloody urine was caused by kidney failure. [PPTH, Diagnostic Office. House and the Ducklings confer. Chase adds "KIDNEY FAILURE" to the whiteboard.] CAMERON: He's on dialysis. He's gonna need it for the rest of his life. HOUSE: Which is shortening as we speak. We are looking at a Chinese menu, and we've got symptoms from too many columns. They're going to overcharge us. CAMERON: Multiple organ failure could mean primary HIV infection. CHASE: [sarcastic] That would mean someone agreed to sleep with him. Plus his serology is negative. FOREMAN: His uric acid's slightly elevated. CHASE: Ten percent of males in this country have elevated... HOUSE: So we're only gonna pay attention to _abnormal_ abnormalities? CHASE: We've been stuffing him with meat and his kidneys are sht. Of course his uric acid levels... FOREMAN: Could be hepatic fibrosis or MCADD. Brat's got a genetic disorder. HOUSE: Get the sequencing primers. See if it's one of the ones we can treat. FOREMAN: I can draw some blood, but then I gotta run. HOUSE: [whirls around] Job interview? FOREMAN: You gonna stop me if it is? HOUSE: You do the nurse stuff, they'll do the doctor stuff. [Foreman leaves. House looks at the whiteboard.] [PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Foreman performs the test on Nate, while Enid looks on. Foreman injects Nate.] NATE: [drowsily] This a blood test for a marriage license? Plan on kidnapping me to Massachusetts... or Canad... [His head drops and he's out.] ENID: What did you give him? [standing] Are you treating him for something? FOREMAN: Sedative. ENID: Did he need a sedative? FOREMAN: I did. Just shutting him up so I can draw some of his blood in peace. ENID: [outraged] You walked in with that. You didn't even give him a chance. FOREMAN: People are what they are. ENID: [arguing] He's sick. The rudeness isn't his fault. FOREMAN: If he had tuberculosis, it wouldn't be his fault either. But I still wouldn't let him cough on me. [Enid has no answer to that. She folds her arms and watches, quietly.] [PPTH, Elevator/Hallway. Cameron stands alone in the elevator, plastic baggie in hand, while the door closes slowly. Wilson abruptly grabs the door, opening it. He enters.] WILSON: [seeming flustered] Hi. CAMERON: Hey. [A moment of awkward silence. Then, Wilson leans forward and hits a button. The door closes. Cameron seems a bit puzzled about his jerkiness.] WILSON: Where are you going? CAMERON: The lab. We're testing our patient's blood for hereditary... WILSON: [interrupts] Cuddy thinks I sabotaged Foreman's interview. She's gonna fre me. CAMERON: [bat] I don't believe it. WILSON: She said it was unprofessional and... CAMERON: No, I mean I literally don't believe it. Cuddy wouldn't fre you for something like that. [Wilson has a guilty look on his face.] CAMERON: [suspicious] Which... means either she lied to you, or you're... lying to me. [The door opens. They step into the hallway.] WILSON: [loses the act] You so would have fallen for that three years ago. CAMERON: You were looking for a reaction. You were looking for me to feel bad for you. Save your skin. [shrugs] But how am I gonna save you? [understands, stops] Unless... you think I'm the one who really did it. WILSON: Cuddy's logic was Foreman's valuable to House. I care about House. Ergo, I would do anything to save him. CAMERON: And your logic was... I care about House as much as you do, ergo... [Wilson nods.] CAMERON: It wasn't me. I don't care about House. WILSON: I don't believe you. CAMERON: No one does. [sincerely] House is nothing more than my boss. Foreman's nothing more than a colleague. WILSON: [nods, yet...] You're lying. CAMERON: [enough already] Everyone does. But it wasn't me. [Wilson nods and leaves. Cameron ponders the matter and seems to have figured out the culprit.] [PPTH, Lab. Cameron and Chase (wearing glasses) perform tests.] CHASE: [looking at monitor] No markers for hepatic fibrosis. Nothing for MCADD. CAMERON: Foreman's interview in New York got screwed up. CHASE: [not looking up] I heard. CAMERON: Foreman thought it was House, House thought it was Cuddy. Cuddy thought it was Wilson, Wilson thought it was me. [Chase looks up and sees her staring accusingly at him.] CHASE: And you think it was me? [chuckles] God... you think I... sabotaged Foreman? I don't even want him here. CAMERON: I know. CHASE: Then why would I do...? CAMERON: I think you sabotaged Foreman just to sabotage Foreman. [Hurt, but not showing it, Chase sits back in his chair, folding his arms.] CHASE: So everyone's a suspect because everyone wants to help House. Except for me. I'm a suspect because I'm a petty, vindictive jerk? [She only looks at him.] CHASE: You actually think I would do something like that? CAMERON: It was someone. CHASE: [firm] It wasn't me. [The nearby computer beeps, signaling the result of a test. He looks at it, still upset.] CHASE: Negative for Von Gierke disease. [remembering] And it's Tuesday. CAMERON: I know. CHASE: [mad] I like you. CAMERON: [smiling] I know. See you next Tuesday. [Chase sht a look at her. Another result pops up. Chase looks at it.] CHASE: Found something. [Cameron looks at him.] [PPTH, House's Office. House dumps his bag on his table, packing up to go home. Chase and Cameron stand in front of the table, giving him the results.] CHASE: He's got a partial HPRT enzyme deficiency. Means he could have Kelley-Seegmiller Syndrome. CAMERON: But it's a partial deficiency. So it may not be Kelley-Seegmiller. HOUSE: [looks up] Yes. Those are the two options. It is... or it isn't. CHASE: Kelley-Seegmiller explains the aggressive personality. CAMERON: If he had Kelley-Seegmiller, he wouldn't just be aggressive, he'd be self-mutilating. Chewing his lips, banging his head. HOUSE: [donning his jacket] Lovely disease. Degenerative, fatal, incurable. I wonder if that's why Cameron's on the "not" side. CAMERON: That and the fact that symptoms don't lie. CHASE: Kelley-Seegmiller carriers self-mutilate when they're stressed. CAMERON: [turning to face Chase] He's in the ICU with a failing liver and no kidneys. Yeah, his life is sweet. CHASE: [facing her] His vegetarian diet could have limited the purines in his system, slowing the disease's progress. [House, all set to go home, stops near the door. He thinks.] HOUSE: So let's speed it up. [He goes back behind his desk.] CAMERON: Why? HOUSE: So you two kids will stop fighting. [removing his bag] Also, I don't feel like waiting for respiratory failure. Chase, find some way for the mother to get lost for a while. [cracks his knuckles outwards] I'm going to stress this kid until he bites off a finger. [Chase and Cameron look a bit apprehensive, but comply.] [PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Nate is in bed, awake. House enters, wheeling in a hospital cart, on which a chessboard (with pieces) is placed.] NATE: [weakly] They move me to geriatrics? Who are you? HOUSE: [Greg's Anatomy's...] Dr. McCaney. The man who's gonna kick your ass all over this chessboard. NATE: Yeah, well, I'm too weak to... HOUSE: [pushing up Nate's sleeve] ...bite yourself, yeah. You need some liquid energy. [Nate coughs drowsily.] HOUSE: Now, if you consent, I'm gonna give you this sht of adrenaline. [House injects him in the arm.] NATE: Oww! [irritably] I don't wanna play. HOUSE: Aside from being indicative of pituitary issues and certain kinds of genetic disorders, small testicles also indicate... [disposes off the syringe] that you're a big chicken. Please don't make me do the sound effect. NATE: You're not gonna goad me into playing. [House puts the chessboard on the food tray. Using his cane, he swings the overhead surgical light to illuminate the board.] HOUSE: Didn't think I'd have to. Thought you'd just jump at the chance of humiliating someone. [House takes two pawns - one white, one black - in his hands, mixes them up, and holds them (clenched in his fists) for Nate to pick one out.] NATE: Age before cripple. I'm white. [House places the pawns back.] HOUSE: [winding the chess clock] It... is... on! [He slaps his side of the clock. Scissor-holding a pawn, Nate moves it two squares ahead. Slap. House moves a pawn two ahead. Slap. Nate brings out a knight. Slap.] HOUSE: Bird's opening. Passive approach. [He moves another pawn.] HOUSE: [Slap] Sign of a coward. NATE: [moving a pawn] Sicilian defense. Sign of an idiot. [Slap] HOUSE: [makes a move, Slap] Arrogance has to be earned. [Nate brings out his other knight. Slap.] HOUSE: [moving a bishop] Tell me what you've done to earn yours. [Slap] NATE: I can walk. [He moves his bishop. Slap.] HOUSE: I don't bleed out of my penis. [He moves a knight. Slap. Nate glares at him, moves a knight. Slap. House moves a pawn. Slap. Nate moves a bishop. Slap. Black knight takes white pawn. Slap. Nate takes a black piece. Slap. Black knight takes white knight. Slap.] HOUSE: Check. [House acts bored. Nate has a look of pure hatred on his face.] HOUSE: You know, it's a real thin line between tortured genius and awkward kid who can't get girls because he's... creepy. [White bishop takes black pawn. Slap.] NATE: Why are you doing this? HOUSE: To stress you out. [House moves his queen diagonally. Slap.] HOUSE: Check. NATE: [moving one of his pieces] Yeah, but why? [Slap] HOUSE: I'd tell you, but I figure it's more stressful if you don't know why. [Black bishop takes white pawn. Slap. Nate glares. White pawn takes black bishop. Slap.] NATE: Not feeling too stressed. HOUSE: You know that no one likes you, right? NATE: Yeah, well, anybody like you? HOUSE: [declaring] You're dying. [He looks at Nate for a reaction, doesn't get one. Black queen takes bishop-klling white pawn.] HOUSE: Check. [Slap] [Nate seems flustered. He goes for his king, but decides against it.] HOUSE: Your move. [Nate seethes. Then, he sits forward. He moves his king. Slap. House moves his knight. Slap. Nate looks at the setup and smiles. He chuckles. He moves his knight. Slap of authority.] NATE: [taunting] Care to lay down your king? [House only stares.] NATE: You can't win. You can pin my queen. My knight to E7. Your king to H8. Sacrifice rook takes pawn. Bishop blocks. Queen to H5. Checkmate. [demeaningly] Save what's left of your dignity. Lay down your king. [Suddenly, Nate starts to convulse. The monitor starts beeping rapidly.] HOUSE: Crap. [He calmly moves the food tray away. Nurses come running in, one of them preps a crash cart.] HOUSE: He's having a seizure. Four milligrams IV Lorazepam. NURSE: Right away. [As the nurses attend to Nate, House hovers over the chessboard. He drops his king down with his finger.] [PPTH, House's Office/Diagnostics Office. Day. House sits in front of the chessboard, trying to analyse how he got beaten. He doesn't look too relaxed. Chase stands behind, Cameron and Foreman in front.] HOUSE: [under his breath] I hate this kid. FOREMAN: I like this kid. HOUSE: You get the job? FOREMAN: They're gonna let me know. CAMERON: Kelley-Seegmiller didn't cause this seizure. HOUSE: So we've got one more symptom, one less diagnosis. [to Foreman] I assume they're gonna call for references? You give 'em my name? FOREMAN: No. Amyloidosis can cause seizures, and the protein buildup could cause organ failure. CHASE: Wouldn't alter his personality. HOUSE: Whose name did you give? FOREMAN: [bat] My last boss. HOUSE: Ouch! That can't look good. [still frustrated at having been beaten] I hate this kid. [He gets up and starts moving towards the Diagnostics Office.] CAMERON: What if we're not dealing with one condition? What if it's multiple conditions? HOUSE: Uh-uh, it's gotta be one. It's always one. CHASE: Nothing explains this constellation of symptoms. We've gotta be missing something. Maybe the kid lied about some medication. Maybe he's hiding something. CAMERON: Why would he be hiding something? CHASE: I don't know, because he's... evil? [House has a thought.] HOUSE: What if he is? What if the symptoms lied? [He cancels out "PERSONALITY" at the top of the board.] HOUSE: [looking at the Ducklings] There. Now all we're looking at is a simple, evil jerk with amyloidosis. FOREMAN: You're not being objective. HOUSE: Amyloidosis was your idea. FOREMAN: You were right, it doesn't fit the symptoms. HOUSE: Yeah, it does. [now erases the crossed-out "PERSONALITY" word] Look. FOREMAN: You crossed it off because you wanna hate the kid. And you can't hate him if he's a victim... HOUSE: You want him to be a victim because you wanna believe that people are good. And if they're not, it's gotta be a chemical problem. Except they're not, and it's not. [to Chase and Cameron] Flush him with immunosuppressants. Get a biopsy to confirm, and find him a marrow donor. [Foreman sighs defeated. Chase and Cameron leave.] [PPTH, ICU, Outside Nate's room. While a nurse checks on Nate, Chase speaks to Enid.] ENID: What will happen to him? CHASE: Substances called amyloid proteins build up in the body's organs, shutting them down. It's a fairly rare disease. And I'm afraid it can be fatal. ENID: [afraid] So do you operate or something to take them out? CHASE: He needs a bone marrow transplant. Dr. Cameron is searching the donor bank. We should test you as well. [Enid nods, depressed. She looks at Nate.] ENID: When you first told me he was sick, I was... happy. Relieved. Now... [She can't finish. She just looks tearfully at Nate.] [PPTH, Operating Room. Chase and Foreman (scrubbed up) perform a biopsy on Nate. Nate is sweating heavily.] FOREMAN: Nate, I'm gonna take a small piece of nerve from your ankle. Let me know if you feel any pain. NATE: [weakly] I'm burning up. Couldn't you just knock me out like you did last time? FOREMAN: Wish I could. But your body has to be clear so it's ready for a marrow transplant. [sht of the open incision on Nate's ankle.] NATE: Hey, Dr. X. [Foreman looks at him.] NATE: I know you've busted ass trying to save me. FOREMAN: It's all right. NATE: I wasn't gonna thank you. [coughs] I was gonna tell you you really suck at this. FOREMAN: [calmly] We're doing our best. NATE: That's sort of my point. Your best really sucks. [Foreman sighs underneath his mask.] [PPTH Hallway. House takes a "Chomp" candybar out of a vending machine. Foreman stands at a distance. He starts limping towards him.] FOREMAN: Nerve biopsy was clean. No evidence of amyloidosis. HOUSE: It was your idea. Don't give up on it so fast. [They start walking together.] FOREMAN: He's running a fever. If it's two conditions, one of them's gotta be an infection. We should start him on antibiotics, see what clears up, what doesn't. HOUSE: Is he having trouble breathing? FOREMAN: Yeah, he has mucus in his chest from an infection. HOUSE: Could also be an amyloid buildup. Keep him on immunosuppressants and biopsy somewhere else, his sinuses. [Foreman stops walking, about to protest.] HOUSE: [cutting him off] Look, you got two choices. Engage me in a futile argument then do what I asked, or just do what I asked. [Foreman shrugs in defeat and starts to walk away.] HOUSE: You're not ready. [Foreman stops and turns annoyed.] HOUSE: There was a third choice. Don't do what I asked. You coulda defied me, stuck the kid on antibiotics. But you didn't. Because you still trust my judgment more than your own. [House enters his office. Foreman looks pensive.] [Aerial view of PPTH. Night.] [PPTH, House's Office. House still sits at the chessboard, trying to outthink Nate. Chase enters, wearing street clothes.] CHASE: You sabotaged Foreman's job interview, didn't you? HOUSE: [sighs] Foreman's already been over this. [clearly] It wasn't me. [House goes to pick up the king, but Chase beats him to the punch.] CHASE: Everybody's chasing ghosts over this. Which means either nobody did it, or somebody wants everybody chasing ghosts. Now, who does that sound like? HOUSE: And why would I do that? CHASE: Because as long as Foreman thought you were guilty, he was gonna be useless around here. HOUSE: [smiling] You know, [smirks] sometimes I forget why I hired you. CHASE: You cost him a good opportunity and gained nothing. HOUSE: I cost him a crappy opportunity. New York Mercy's where you go to treat boils and cysts and build a 401K. CHASE: If you want him to stay, tell him. HOUSE: I don't and there'd be no point. CHASE: You do. And the point would be to make him feel like he's wanted. HOUSE: He doesn't need that. CHASE: All right, then. It'd make him feel like maybe you weren't evil. [Chase starts to drum the king on the table. House notices how he holds the piece - between his thumb and pointer.] CHASE: He needs that. [Chase drums a couple more times. House has a definite epiphany. Chase holds the king out to House, still unaware of his boss' brainstorm.] CHASE: Talk to Foreman. HOUSE: We dumped one symptom. But forgot to add one. [Chase, hand still held out with the king, looks puzzled. House gets up, picking a white and black pawn and leaves.] [PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Nate is in bed, awake, with his mother beside him. The door slides open and House enters.] HOUSE: [declaring] Revenge time, Nate. ENID: Are you...? HOUSE: Yes! I am. [holds his hands out, clenched] Black or white? NATE: [irritated] Just limp away. ENID: [upset] He doesn't wanna play. Leave him alone. HOUSE: Pick one, or... [points to an IV bag] this comes out. And, for all you know, this is really important. [Nate weakly points to House's right hand. House unclenches the hand, revealing the white pawn. Nate slowly brings up his right hand and holds the pawn - between his pointer and middle finger, with his thumb extended out.] [TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: This is how Nate has been holding all his chesspieces from the start. I never mentioned it before because... well, you guys would not have figured out that it was a problem all along. OK, back to the show...] [House calmly grabs Nate's thumb and yanks it backwards. Nate groans in pain. Enid jumps up from her chair, protesting.] ENID: Stop it! HOUSE: That hurts, right? Which is odd, because I'm really enjoying this. You hold the pieces that way because you can't bend your thumb. [Nate looks at his thumb.] HOUSE: Because your bones have formed abnormally. Thanks to all the crap that's been pushing its way in between them. [He disconnects the IV bag he pointed to previously.] HOUSE: Actually, this stuff isn't important at all. ENID: [worried] Your doctors said he needs immunosuppressants. HOUSE: [waving it off] They're idiots. It's not amyloidosis. It's iron. He's got hemochromatosis. [While House speaks, the camera moves off Nate's sour face and zooms towards his chest.] HOUSE: The body absorbs iron from food, but can't process it. [CGI: Through the blood vessels. Large quantities of iron deposit along the walls as red blood cells flow overhead.] HOUSE: Can't get rid of it. And idle iron is the devil's playground. It builds up in the organs and joints, whacking them in the process. [Camera focuses on House.] HOUSE: Caused all of the symptoms. Including something that wasn't a symptom. [He limps to the surgical cabinet.] HOUSE: Those body aches, they were not from the fighting. ENID: [hopeful] His personality issues? HOUSE: [taking a scalpel] Sorry. The iron's innocent on that count. Your kid's a jerk. [Enid tries to say something, but House continues.] HOUSE: And, yeah, it's probably your fault. Although, if you'd stayed off the meat like your mom said, you'd have half as much iron, and be twice less... almost dad. [House takes Nate's right wrist and pokes it with the scalpel, drawing blood. Nate grunts. Enid reacts in shock, but doesn't say anything.] HOUSE: Oh, nurse! [House drops the scalpel on a nearby cart. He pushes a button on the wall. An urgent beeping sound is heard. Nurses come running in.] HOUSE: [innocently] This patient is bleeding for some reason. [House points Nate's bleeding wrist down, letting the blood drain.] ENID: Is he going to be okay? HOUSE: He'll need dialysis. And he'll have to get his blood drained every few months for the rest of his life. My condolences. It's going to be a long and annoying life. [Despite that piece of "bad news", Enid smiles through her tears.] HOUSE: [leaning close to Nate] I wouldn't have taken your bishop. I'd have moved my queen to D6, defusing the thrat. Then rook to E8, attacking the king's pawn. I'd have lost the exchange, but won the game. [He starts to limp away, when...] NATE: I know. [House turns, surprised.] NATE: I was bluffing. And that's why... [sniggering] you lost. [House is speechless. He turns and walks.] HOUSE: [grumbling] Jerk. [He leaves.] [PPTH, Lab. House walks outside and sees Foreman in the lab, unaware that House has "solved the case", performing the House-ordered tests. House enters the lab, while Foreman looks into a microscope. He stands, leaning against a glass wall.] FOREMAN: [not turning back] You just here to watch, or you got something to say? HOUSE: [bat] Still running the new biopsy for amyloidosis? FOREMAN: Yeah. Still nothing. [House seems to have something to say, but doesn't say it. Foreman waits.] HOUSE: Run the test again. Recheck your results. [Foreman hardly looks pleased.] HOUSE: Looks like you're in for an all-nighter. [Foreman raises his eyebrows. House leaves. Foreman sighs and gets back to work.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x23 - The Jerk"}	foreverdreaming
(Scene begins with Coast guards on a helicopter looking down. They're flying above the sea on a dark rainy night) Rescuer1 (Fisher): Coming up to 50 feet. Rescuer2: Roger that. We're light on fuel, 2 minutes to bingo. [An obviously sick woman (Marina) loudly gasps for breath and shivers at the back of the helicopter] Pilot: Come on, Fisher, we've got places to go, people to see. Fisher: Working on it! Pilot: So I've heard, what's taking so long? [Down below a man is practically drowning under the waves but he is tightly gripping on to a plastic briefcase floating on top of the water] Rescuer3: [in the sea with the man] Let go of the suitcase! Let go of the suitcase! You'll have to hold on to me! Esteban: [says something in Spanish that translates to a refusal] Rescuer3: Sir, whatever it is is not worth it. Rescuer2: We're bingo fuel sir. Pilot: Your hear that Fisher? Bingo. Keep it ____ and we'll handle it in both gears. Fisher: I'll do that, sir. Rescuer3: Ditch the damn luggage! Esteban: [refuses again] [Rescuer3 looks up and Fisher gives him a signal. Rescuer3 then approaches Esteban from behind and tries to haul him up. In the ensuing struggle under water, Esteban lets for of the suitcase and the rescuers finally manage to hoist Esteban and Rescuer3 up to the helicopter. Esteban looks back down in despair until he gets on to the helicopter and worriedly looks after his wife] Esteban: Marina! [a conversation with her in Spanish, she smiles, he then turns around and scolds the rescuers] Rescuer3: Tell him if he's so worried about his wife's clothes, he should have stayed in Cuba! Esteban: [replies in Spanish] Fisher: He says it wasn't her clothes; it was her medical records, that she's sick and needs to go home. Esteban: No home, House! I need to see doctor House. Cuddy is in the lobby trying to phone House futilely as he doesn't seem to be picking up. Behind her, Esteban is looking forlornly at a sick Marina lying on a bed) (Scene shift to the cafeteria where House's silenced phone is vibrating on the table next to his cup of coffee. He is pretending to read a paper while actually watching Foreman's farewell party on the other side of the room. He's disguised with a cap on his head) [Wilson walks in immediately spotting House and walks up to him] Wilson: You don't answer your phone anymore. House: I'm world famous now, press won't leave me alone. Wilson: It's Cuddy. House: I know. If it was the press I'd be answering. Wilson: And since you're not taking her calls, I am. Your patient's been waiting for hours. House: She didn't book an appointment. Wilson: No, she risked her life. House: You don't reach terra firma, you don't get any milk or honey. Wilson: The woman has 10 different things wrong with her, including pains all over her body. [sits down opposite House] Admittedly not as interesting as staring uselessly at Foreman. House: You know why I find the goodbye party fascinating? [he puts away the paper and rubs his stubbled chin] Isn't it kind of insulting to celebrate when someone leaves you? Wilson: What are you going to do to keep him? House: Nothing. Wilson: He really is going to leave, you know that right? House: Yeah. Wilson: So what are you going to do? House: Nothing I can do. He doesn't want more money, better working conditions, doesn't even want a better job. He wants to not be me. Wilson: Because he thinks you're a cold-hearted bastard without any regard for anyone but yourself. House: He's right. [bites into a bun] Wilson: You need to show him that you really do care. House: Don't. Foreman's not the only chocolate-covered cherry in the box. Wilson: House, you play a guitar you got in 9th grade. House: 8th. Wilson: You're living in the same apartment for 15 years. You drive a 10-yr-old car, you are not good with change. House: That used to be true, but I changed. Wilson: He's not afraid to be you, he's afraid to be who he thinks you are. [He walks off and leaves House alone.] (Cut to the conference room. Foreman is reading emails; Chase and Cameron are talking about the case in the background) Chase: Rheumatic fever would explain the skin rash. Cameron: Not the double vision or bloody urine. Chase: They were lost at sea for 3 days; maybe dehydration caused the kidney problems. [Foreman is laughing at his emails, House walks in] Cameron: And the double vision? Chase: Concussion during the shipwreck. Foreman: It all fits as long as these symptoms started when you think it started. House: This would be a lot easier if we had her medical records. Any of you certified deep sea divers? Chase: She's from a dirt poor country in the tropics, infectious disease and parasites are the most likely cause of unexplained pain, fever and skin rash, we might as well start there. House: [takes off his cap and puts it on a model of a brain] If there's one thing Castro knows is how to look great in green. [he gives pointed looks in Foreman's direction but the duckling has his back to the rest of the room and doesn't seem to see] And if there are two things Castro knows is how to look great in green and train doctors. Even without the medical records we can assume she was drowned in antibiotics before she risked drowning to see me. Cameron: So what doesn't Castro know? House: How to lay his hands on high-tech scanning equipment. [points to the list of symptoms on the board] Pain, double vision, point us towards the head. Cameron get an MRI, see what's cooking in the old cabeza. [she goes out to do as asked] Chase, check out the husband. Chase: Why? He hasn't complained of any pain. House: Basic math, take all her symptoms, subtract his sea symptoms, the remainder equals her original symptoms. [Chase walks out] [House is left with Foreman who is still laughing at his emails; House gives him an awkward grimace-smile and walks out too] (Esteban coughs, Chase is checking him out in another room) Chase: You've pain? Esteban: No, I'm just sunburned. [Chase checks Esteban's eyes] Chase: Any blurred vision? Esteban: No. So my wife, she is with doctor House? Chase: She is with another doctor who is part of doctor House's team. Esteban: No, she's supposed to see doctor House. We have permission. Chase: It's the way it works with doctor House. Esteban: I came a thousand miles to see him! Chase: He doesn't care. I'm sorry, but that's who he is, that's who you risked your life to see. And you made the right choice. (Cameron in the MRI room with Marina) [She hands Cameron a gold necklace] Cameron: Any other metal? Must have been difficult on the boat. [She starts preparing Marina for the MRI] Marina: When the storm came just... very much... I pray while my husband he um... [she says something in Spanish] with the paddles? Cameron: You were on a boat without a motor? Marina: No no, we start with the motor, but it break on the first night. My husband, he can fix anything. A washing machine, a car, a computer... but that stupid motor and me, these two he cannot fix. Cameron: He got you to us. Marina: He never gave up, no matter what happen, he kept saying to me don't worry, we will make it, I take care of you. He refuses to worry or pray, he believe if you don't have one, you don't need the other. (Back in the conference room) Chase: The husband has a pulled muscle in his shoulder but none of the pains or double vision. He does have a fever, fungal rash, cough and elevated bilirubin. Foreman's not going anywhere. [House turns around from checking something on the computer to face Chase] House: He said that to you? Chase: He doesn't really want to leave, and you don't really want to let him. You'll cave, just like you did with Cameron. House: Foreman's not as easy as Cameron, but of course, who is? [Camera zooms to Cameron sitting on the other side of the long table looking a little miffed] Cameron: I'm in the room. Chase: He may not want a date but he does want... something. House: Maybe it's something I can't offer. Chase: Then you'll just lie. House: He'd see through it. Chase: Maybe. Or maybe he'll just see what he wants to see. [Foreman walks in] Foreman: She has MS. Explains the pain, the fatigue, double vision, kidney problems. Chase: Her kidney problems aren't connected. Her husband has the same issues. Foreman: It is possible for two people to have the same symptom for 2 different reasons. Chase: If we're going to take that approach then we might as well just throw out everything we got from the husband and start over. Foreman: We could do that, or we could do something productive, start her on interferon for the MS, see if she improves. [They both turn to House; Chase has a mocking look for Foreman's suggestion on his face. House ponders] House: I do like being productive. Well done, do it. [Foreman walks out] Chase: Well done? Is that what you think he wants? A pat on the head? House: Go do your job. (Foreman in the room with Esteban and Marina, he's preparing to put her on interferon) Esteban: She does not have MS. Foreman: I know it's not a pleasant diagnosis to hear-- [Marina is very distressed and crying] Esteban: No, the doctors in Cuba would have found MS. [alarms start ringing] What's that? Foreman: It's alright, the pulse oximeter just came off. [he clips it back on to her finger] Marina, you can't-- Marina: It hurts! Esteban: The pain is getting worse, your treatment isn't working because it's not MS! Foreman: Does this hurt? [he experimentally twists her arm and ends up breaking her wrist, she screams in pain] (Close up on an x-ray of the broken wrist) House: Wow. Well either Foreman's way stronger than he thinks he is or... [he turns around, the ducklings are silent] seriously or? Cameron: She's too young for osteoporosis that severe. Chase: And too old for osteogenesis imperfecta. Foreman: Which leaves bone cancer. Chase: Cancer's a long sht. House: Why? Because metastatic tumours don't explain the abnormal MRI, kidney damage, cotton mouth, double vision? Oh wait, they do. Chase: Infection could do all that too. House: It's not an infection. Chase: Because you know the non-existent medical records confirm that the brilliant doctors in Cuba treated her for infection? Or because you're trying to kiss up to Foreman? House: Because an infection would cause a fever and the brilliant doctors who work in my office have already crossed that off the list because the husband-- Chase: You were the one who said that it's possible for 2 people to have the same symptom for 2 different reasons. [to Foreman] Foreman: And you're the one who said if we do that, we might as well throw out everything we got from the husband. Chase: Right, and then you said we should do something productive like breaking her arm? House: Foreman didn't break her arm. Chase: Of course he didn't. House: Cancer did. Put her on a PET scan, see what else is breaking. [He prepares to walk out of the room] Chase: This isn't going to work! He's not a moron, you can't just agree with everything he says for 2 days and hope he forgets the last 3 years and now actually hates you! House: Anything else? When you get the results for the PET scan, let me know. (Chase walks into House's office to have a private chat) Chase: I don't really care if Foreman stays or goes but-- House: You're fired. Chase: Wha... what because I yelled at you? House: Because you've been here the longest, learned all you can, or you haven't learned anything at all... either way, it's time for a change. Chase: [hesitates for a moment] Fine. [He walks out still looking confused] (In the MRI room) Foreman: No tumours in her arm, sinovial membrane's working fine. Cameron: No hotspots, no bone cancer. Maybe we should be looking for something else. [Chase walks in wearing his street clothes, umbrella and bag] Cameron: Is it raining out? Chase: House fired me. Foreman: What? Cameron: Because you yelled at him? Chase: Time for a change was the official explanation. Cameron: It makes no sense. Foreman: Since when does House make sense? Cameron: He always makes sense. Foreman: He's angry. Cameron: Yes, it's all about you Foreman. He's upset you're leaving so he fires Chase. Chase: Excuse me, by the humerus [he points to the results of a scan], she's got a hotspot. [Cameron and Foreman look at it, then turn around to speak to Chase but he's already gone] (Next scene, House is listening to Slippery When Wet by The Commodores while pretending to play guitar on his flaming cane and singing along - think of the air piano from S1, now we've got air guitar!) [The 2 ducklings walk in, House switches off the music] Cameron: Why'd you fre Chase? House: Sure thing, first you tell me the results of the PET scan. Foreman: Did you fre him for me? House: Would you stay if I did? Cameron: You asked him to fre Chase? Foreman: No! House: Yes. Cameron: You're frustrated with Foreman so you lash out? Kick the dog? House: He's not gone 5 minutes and the name-calling starts. What's on the PET scan? Cuddy: [walks in] Why'd you fre Chase? House: Do you know what's on the PET scan? Cuddy: You two out. [they exit] House: Woah, wait! What's on the PET scan? Cuddy: You can't dump your entire department just because you don't know how to deal with an issue. House: Yes, they are all irreplaceable. _____ you think they'd figure out somehow to teach people to interpret PET scans. Wilson: [bursts in] What the hell is wrong with you? You fired Chase? House: I don't suppose you know what's on my patient's PET scan? Wilson: I told you to show Foreman you have a heart, how does that translate to you being a bastard? House: So that's a no? Cuddy: Pick up the phone, and tell Chase you made a mistake. Un-fre him. House: [reluctantly picks up the phone and dials] Chase. If you know what's on the PET scan, call me back. [put the phone back down] Wilson: Cut the crap. Cuddy: Chase is a good doctor. House: Sorry, you're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions. Cuddy: My building, my floor, my people. House: [the phone rings] Hold that reprimand. [he picks up the phone] House. Doctor Chase, how are ya? [Wilson and Cuddy look on expectantly] Thank you, you are indispensable. Um, you're still fired, sorry. [puts down the phone] Wow, that was awkward. PET scan revealed a blood clot in my patient's arm which means goodbye. Still got 2 people working for me, got to get one of them to do my job. [he walks out] (Foreman is speaking to Esteban) Foreman: A clot means a heart problem, we have to do an emergency angiogram. Esteban: But you know she has a blood clot. Foreman: PET scan can't determine that with certainty. Esteban: So you have no better idea what's wrong with her than when we first got here? Foreman: We've ruled out MS. Esteban: I told you it wasn't MS. Where is doctor House? Foreman: Doctor House has left for the night; he'll be here in the morning to review the results if you sign the consent. [Esteban signs] Foreman: But you know, you could call him at home. He doesn't always pick up, so keep calling. [He writes down House's no. and gives it to Esteban] Esteban: Thank you. (At House's apartment, the house phone rings as he watches television, he ignores it and it goes to voice mail) Esteban: Doctor House, it's Esteban Hernandez again, as soon as you get home it's very important you call me. [House is staring at an old acoustic guitar on the wall; probably the one Wilson mentioned earlier that he had since the 8th grade] (We see Esteban kissing Marina on the forehead before she's wheeled into her angiogram, but the sound of House's home phone ringing again in the background and cutting to voicemail) Esteban: Hello yes, doctor House, its Esteban Hernandez, as soon as you get home, if you can please call me? (Scene cuts to Foreman and Cameron. Foreman's performing the angiogram on Marina, Cameron's sitting down and just watching him like she doesn't care) Foreman: Catheter's in her femoral artery. Cameron: Why are you telling me that? Foreman: Because you're assisting. Cameron: Do I look like I'm assisting? Foreman: I had nothing to do with Chase's termination. Marina: Is everything ok? Foreman: You're doing fine, Marina. The dye will take a minute to work its way through your system. Cameron: [finally gets up and walks to the table] Why would you tell House you're leaving because he's a jerk? Foreman: Because it's the truth. [The doors to the room suddenly open and House walks in] House: Did you give an angry Cuban my home number? Cameron: Why would you do that? You're not turning into House, you're worse than him. Foreman: Let me get this straight, instead of picking up the phone and talking to a patient for 5 minutes, you gave up on sleep and you drove in here. Marina: My chest. [she seems to have difficulty breathing and alarms start beeping] Foreman: She's in v-tach. House: What did you do? Foreman: Nothing! Cameron: You must have ht something, did you nick an artery? Foreman: She has no pulse. Marina: It hurts. [House tries to feel for her pulse in her neck and looks shocked] House: She has no pulse but she's talking. Cough. [Marina coughs] House: Cough again. Keep coughing, it'll push blood into your head, keep you conscious. [She obeys, Foreman is trying to help start her heart again through CPR] Push 1 mg epinephrine. Marina: Will [cough] that [cough] help? House: No, but it is amazingly cool. [She drops into unconsciousness and Cameron brings an oxygen mask] Cameron: We need to put her on bypass. House: We need to keep her here, if this is a clot then forcing a bypass will blow it into her brain and kll her. Cameron: If we continue CPR she'll lose blood flow which will cause brain damage. House: What would cause the heart to stop? Let's assume it wasn't human error. [looks at Foreman] Foreman: I didn't nick an artery, it just stopped. House: Which is why I said assume. Cameron: The only other option is electrical instability. Foreman: No ST segment changes. We need to tell the husband. House: Tell him what? We have no idea what happened. [he starts walking out of the room] Cameron: House? House: Keep going 'til I figure this out. Cameron: House!! (Next scene, Wilson is doing surgery with other doctors on a cancer patient) Doctor: Geez, 47 I hope my colon looks better than this guy's. Isolating the first transverse... [One of the screens filming the procedure is suddenly taken over by an image of House] House: Help! I'm trapped inside a monitor! [Everyone stops and turns around - House is lying on the operating table in the next OR videoing himself and sending the image to the TV in this OR] Wilson: Not a good time, House. House: My patient lost her heartbeat during a routine cardiac catheterisation so-- Wilson: Human error. House: It's not human error. Wilson: Electrical instability? House: Pre-procedure EKG was normal, no syncope. Wilson: Ischemia? House: Foreman said no ST segment changes. Wilson: Human error is the only other possible-- House: It's not human error. Wilson: [he finally turns around to face House on the monitor] Of course it's human error, you don't want Foreman to have made a mistake because then you'd have to mock him, and that would put a crimp in your brilliant plan of keeping him by having a breakdown and fring Chase. House: Did you just spin on the monitor? You know I can't see you. [Wilson turns back to the surgery looking perplexed] Human error would not explain her symptoms. Wilson: You mean her heart stopping? House: I mean her foot pain, her back pain... Wilson: House, I'm busy. You have a team, run your differential with them. House: Foreman and Cameron are doing CPR. Wilson: Then you shouldn't have fired Chase. Change is fun huh? (Scene changes back to the room where Marina had her angiogram. There are plenty of hospital stuff surrounding her now, all taking turns to give Marina CPR to keep her alive) Foreman: 5, 6, 7, 8. Cameron: Go! [Another nurse takes over to pump Marina's chest] Someone's got to talk to the husband; he thought this whole thing was going to last 45 minutes. Foreman: Half an hour more of this, nothing to talk about, won't be able to bring her back. We gotta get her on bypass. Nurse: [walks in] House still isn't answering his phone. Foreman: [points to another nurse] You, get in here. [he swaps positions with the nurse and then walks out] (Outside, Esteban is talking to another nurse) Esteban: Excuse me, my wife was supposed to be back an hour ago. Nurse: Soon as we know anything we'll call you. Esteban: Thank you. (At the lobby, Cuddy walks to the reception and signs something, surrounded by a group of med students she seems to be instructing) Cuddy: Human behaviour finals will also get into clinical presentations of mania and we'll touch on _____ PET scans. House: [from the balcony above] Excuse me, professor. Cuddy: House, when we're done with our rounds- House: My patient has no heartbeat. Stopped when we inserted a catheter during a routine angiogram. Anyone tells me why her heart stopped gets an A in doctor Cuddy's class. Cuddy: [turns to the class] Anyone? Student1: Human error? House: Yeah, I'm polling first year medical students because I hadn't considered human error. Student2: Marfan syndrome? House: Structural abnormalities would show up on the echo, you get a C. Student3: Botox injections. House: F. Student3: If the injection was tainted with live botulism, it'd fit. House: B+. Unfortunately, she missed her last botox appointment due to a boating accident, but send me your resume. Foreman: [walks up to House on the balcony] House, time's up. House: [looks at Foreman who is drenched in sweat] Good lord, you smell like muskox. Foreman: Either our patient goes on bypass or I call time of death. Cuddy: Your patient isn't already on bypass? House: I was worried about a clot. Cuddy: How long? Foreman: 3 hours! Cuddy: House. Bypass, now. (Esteban is sitting pensively in front of the cascading waterfall walls) [Suddenly a set of doors burst open. A gurney with Marina on it is racing down the corridor. There are nurses surrounding the gurney and Foreman is kneeling on top of Marina continuing to do CPR) Nurse: Clear the hall! Esteban: Doctor Foreman! My wife? What is happening?! Foreman: Her heart stopped, we have to get her on bypass. Cameron: You need to wait outside! [They burst through another set of doors leaving Esteban behind] (Next scene, House is in his office playing catch with his ball, Esteban walks in) Esteban: Doctor House? House: You can vacuum later. Esteban: I am not the janitor; I am Esteban Hernandez, what happened to my wife? House: Her heart stopped. Esteban: Why did her heart stop? House: If I knew that, I'd be coming to you. Esteban: Tell me where you take her. Tell me what has happen to her. House: Happening. Present participle. Not a particularly interesting form of speech, kind of like of this conversation. Esteban: But... I risk my life to see you. I look you up, you fix people. When everyone else gives up, you don't and now you insult me? Ignore my wife? House: [takes a vicodin] Helps my process. Esteban: No, you do not ignore my wife, ok? She is everything to me. House: Well then you do not ignore your wife. Esteban: You just sit here... you don't talk to people. How do you fix something if you don't look at it? [House gives that a thought then grabs his cane and walks out of the room] (In the OR where Marina is in surgery) Surgeon: Turn on the bypass please. Good, good distal flow. [House bursts into the OR not even wearing the scrubs properly. House: Need to look at the heart. Surgeon: Why? House: Can't find my wallet. Pick it up, turn it over. Surgeon: I don't see anything physically wrong with her heart. [He picks it up and turns it around, examining it] House: Hearts don't stop for no reason. Surgeon: Ok, take your look. [House takes a closer look] Do you see anything wrong? House: Give her a jump start. [A nurse passes the surgeon the paddles] Surgeon: Clear. [the jolt is delivered to her heart, but she is still flat lining] Clear. [another jolt] Clear. [another jolt] House: And again, Surgeon: Clear. [and another jolt] Clear. [another jolt] Clear. [another jolt, all of which have had no effect on the flat lining heart] House: Again. Surgeon: Yeah, 7th time is the charm. [he hands the paddles back to the nurse] Sorry, I'll keep her on bypass until the husband has a chance to say goodbye. House: I'm not telling her husband anything until I can tell him why his wife-- Surgeon: Doesn't matter, the heart can't start. She's dad. (Cut to Foreman in the conference room putting his stuff into boxes) [Cameron enters with a present] Cameron: I got you something. [Foreman unwraps it to find a framed page of the Midwest Journal of Experimental Medicine where Foreman's article on Andie's "autopsy" (the girl from 2.02 Autopsy) and which Foreman and Cameron argued on both writing up (in 2.18 Sleeping Dogs Lie) has been highlighted to show his achievement] Cameron: I'll miss you. I know you won't miss me but I just thought it'd be nice for you to have that. Foreman: [gets up] I will miss you. [he hugs her] House: [walks in] Can I have a hug too? Surgeon found nothing, can't start her heart. [looks at the present] What a thoughtful gift. Nice reminder of intellectual theft to hang at your new place of employment. You two can go, say hi to Chase for me. [He looks at Cameron] You're wearing lipstick. Cameron: We can stay. We can run another differential. House: You two have no theories about why the heart stopped. Which means I don't need you, go. Foreman: It's too late for theories; we need to tell the husband. House: Tell him what? Foreman: That it's over. House: Why? Cameron: Because her heart won't start! House: How can we tell him there's no hope if we don't know why there's no hope? He's not going to pull the plug on his wife, he risked his life to get her to me. If he pulls the plug it means he's failed. Foreman: If he pulls the plug it means you failed. House: And you're ok with that? Go. [the ducklings leave] (At a bar/restaurant, Chase is having dinner alone, Cameron walks in and sits next to him) Cameron: Hey. Chase: Hey. You look great. Cameron: You know House fring you has nothing to do with you? Chase: The why doesn't matter. Cameron: Foreman will end up staying and House will call you and probably yell at you for not showing up. Chase: Its... its okay. He's right; it's time for a change. You were right too, the whole it's Tuesday I like you... it was silly. Oh, don't give me that look, don't feel sorry for me. Getting this job was THE best thing that has ever happened to me, everything about it. And losing it? Well I... think it's... gonna be good too. Cameron: I'll miss you. Chase: Have you got time for a drink or something? Cameron: I think I should go. Chase: [shrugs] Yeah. (That night - in Marina's room, the bypass machines keep going, cut to another room where Esteban is sitting alone holding a white flower in his hand, cut to the next room where House is staring at the whiteboard in his office) Cuddy: [walks in] How's it going? House: The way the security light hits your legs... looks good. Cuddy: Thank you. House: If you're here to yell at me about the Foreman-Chase situation, it can wait. Cuddy: When do you plan on telling the husband it's time to say goodbye to his wife? House: Haven't put a clock on it. Cuddy: Other than your curiosity, do you have any reason to keep her on bypass? House: Patient's husband prefers her not dad. Cuddy: Well you're on a storybook ending for the young man who crossed the ocean for his wife. House: This is not an act, I don't care if-- Cuddy: Then pull the plug. House: What if I can fix it? Maybe I just don't know it yet. Cuddy: I know you care-- House: I don't care. I really don't care. My motives are pure - if we do an autopsy, you'll see... oops... if I'd thought of that crazy idea, we could have saved her. And then the husband might be upset. Cuddy: You've done all you can do. It's time to let go. [she walks out] (Esteban is crying and praying by candlelight in the chapel) [House walks in and joins him] House: I was told you didn't believe in God. Esteban: I don't. I promised my wife I do everything I can to fix her, if I don't pray, then I don't do everything. House: It's not working, she's not coming back. If you want to say goodbye, come down to the ICU, then I'll take her off bypass. I'm sorry, I should've-- [Esteban turns to House and clings to him for comfort as he cries] (Back in Marina's room later, Esteban is saying goodbye to his wife) Esteban: Marina, I am so sorry. [he strokes her arm lovingly] When you turn the machine off, that's it? House: [nods] Yeah. Esteban: Right now is her brain working? House: Probably. Just not her heart. Esteban: She seems like she's just sleeping. House: She's not sleeping, we double-checked. [Esteban quietly nods and House slowly turns off the bypass machines button-by-button] Esteban: [says something in Spanish and kisses Marina's forehead, then puts his head on her chest as he cries] [Suddenly he gets up] Esteban: Her heart... bat. House: No, it's residual flow from the bypass. Esteban: No, I can feel it, look. [He takes House's hand and puts it on his wife's chest above her heart. House is startled and turns on the heart monitor which shows Marina's heart to be beating normally] Esteban: That is her heart, no? House: QRST wave, that's a normal normal. [Marina wakes up] Marina: [something in Spanish] Esteban: Marina. House: Holy crap. Marina: Is this heaven? House: No, it's New Jersey. Esteban: God send you back to me. [he kisses her again] It's a miracle. [House looks up at the ceiling with a look of "why, god?" on his face] (Next scene, Esteban is helping Marina to drink by giving her an ice cube to suck, cut to House and Cameron in the conference room) House: It's impossible. Cameron: Apparently not. House: Live hearts don't stop for no reason. dad hearts don't start for no reason. Cameron: Apparently they do. Foreman: [walks in] She's 3 hours off bypass and still sab. And the pain is gone. House: No it's not. Cameron: You think she's lying about feeling better? House: Just 'coz it's not there now doesn't mean it's gone. Foreman: Just because it was there before doesn't mean it's coming back. Chase was probably right, she had some sort of tropical infection that cleared when we put her on antibiotics during the bypass. House: Antibiotics did not bring her back to life. Cameron: Other than a miracle, it's the only explanation for her symptoms. House: How come God gets credit whenever something good happens? Where was he when her heart stopped? What if it wasn't human error? What if it was God's error? A congenital defect in an artery making it susceptible to inflammation. We need to do another angiogram. Cameron: We've looked at her heart a hundred different ways, there was no evidence-- House: The one time we looked inside her heart we stopped before we could see anything. Foreman: Because it stopped. (House walks into Marina and Esteban's room) House: Good news, we think we know what the problem is. Esteban: You mean was. House: Hey, it's my first language, not yours. If she wants to outlive Castro, we need to fix her heart. Marina: [asks something in Spanish] House: In case no one's filled you in, today is Monday, which means you've been dad for a day. That kind of symptom comes back it can get serious. I need to do another angiogram. Esteban: Wait, wasn't that what caused her heart to stop before? House: No, God caused that. He's all powerful you know. Marina: [agrees in Spanish] He was watching over us in the ocean and he's watching over us now. House: Your rescuers didn't have wings, they had a helicopter. Marina: ______ House: You know how many little boys are praying for jet packs? How many priests are paying for... uhh, that one actually works. Marina: You didn't bring me back to him House: I'm not going to take you away from him but if we don't do this test, God will. Esteban: You said there was no chance, no hope, which means-- House: Which means I was wrong. But I'm wrong all the time, my mistakes don't prove there's a God. You came a long way to see me, you going to put her life in God's hands or in mine? (Back in that room, House is now performing the angiogram on Marina) House: Ready? [Marina raises her head, Esteban is watching the procedure from an upper deck window, they smile at each other] House: [to Esteban] I better not see you praying! I don't want to have to fight for credit on this. Exiting the femoral, entering the aortic arch. Foreman: This is where-- House: Where we stopped to have a picnic last week. [alarms start beeping] Cameron: Her blood pressure's rising. House: Mine's rising too, 'course I am doing battle with a deity. [continues to concentrate on the procedure] In the heart, injecting the dye. Cameron: Right coronary flow isn't obstructed, left coronary flow looks normal. Foreman: Looks like you're wrong. House: Either I'm right, or this test is about to go very bad. [They continue to intensely watch the screen] Cameron: What's that? House: She has one... two... third ostium. How many is she supposed to have? [turns to Marina] Dos. [That's two in Spanish] All the third one's doing is causing inflammation, throwing off clots, giving away the angiogram. No human would screw up that big! [he directs that at Esteban] Don't worry, just one more surgery and you'll be fine. Marina: Thank god. House: [in jest at another reference to thanking god] Don't make me slap you. [Marina laughs, Esteban looks relieved] (Monday night, Cameron is waiting outside Chase's door when he opens it) Chase: Hi. Cameron: Its Tuesday. Chase: Uhh... no, it's Monday. Cameron: I know, it's just... I didn't feel like waiting. [they smile at each other and share a kiss] (In the staff room at the hospital, House is preparing some sandwiches) Wilson: [enters] I hear you got another satisfied customer. House: One more and I get a set of steak knives. [Foreman walks out from the lockers in a suit and carrying a couple of bags of his stuff, there's an awkward silence between the 3 men] Foreman: [shrugs] Well, this is it. I appreciate the opportunity you gave me. House: Didn't do it for you, not sure you were the best guy for the job. Foreman: Thanks, I guess. House: Which is why I want you to stay. You're an important part of the team, I need you. [Wilson looks back and forth between House and Foreman] Foreman: I know. But I don't need you, and I definitely don't want to be you. You're miserable. House: I just solved a case by predicting a never before seen heart defect, a case you couldn't solve, a case you gave up on; I couldn't be happier. Foreman: For 2 minutes maybe, until the next case comes along, until you're jonesing for your next fix. This woman talks while in full cardiac arrest and you're more excited about the talking than the heart dying. House: The two were connected. Foreman: I don't want to solve cases, I want to save lives. House: Do you think she cares? Do you think the husband cares? Do you think the children she can now have because of me are going to care why I saved her? Foreman: I care. House: About yourself. About your own ego! Wilson: [warningly] House. House: You're the selfish bastard, not me. It's why you took so much pleasure in drawing out this little goodbye of yours for the last 3 weeks, wasn't for me, wasn't for anyone, sure as hell didn't help anyone. [Foreman smiles a knowingly smug smile and then walks out without a word] Wilson: Nice try. House: Nice tries are worthless. (House's office, Cameron is waiting in his chair when he walks in) House: You now have a bigger office than I do, why don't you go enjoy it. [Cameron hands him a folded letter] House: Better be naked pictures. Cameron: My resignation letter. [House looks surprised at first but seems resigned as he puts the letter down] Cameron: I've gotten all I can from this job. House: What do you expect me to do? Break down and apologise? Beg Chase to come back? Cameron: No, I expect you to do what you always do. I expect you to make a joke and go on. I expect you to be just fine. I'll miss you. [she walks out] (House smokes Cuban cigars with Esteban in the room adjoining Marina's - not sure how that happens since I'm pretty sure they must have smoke detectors) House: Genuine American cigars, you guys can't get them in Cuba, one hundred percent healthy. Esteban: [pours a drink and passes it to him] Shouldn't you go home? House: Patient follow-up, very important. [They clink glasses and drink while watching Marina] House: She looks great, like she's sleeping. Esteban: She is sleeping, I double-check. So, they all quit. House: Two of them quit, I fired the third. Esteban: It's very hard to lose your people. Must be very upset. House: Yeah, I must be. Esteban: But you're not. House: I don't think I am. I think I'm okay. Esteban: What are you going to do? House: God only knows. (Back at 221B Baker Street) [House arrives home, discovers a huge box waiting for him, inspects it and smiles. He drags it into his apartment and takes out the contents - a brand new guitar. He takes down the 8th grade guitar off the wall as that is now to be the space taken up by his new guitar, a sign of the changes he's willing to make and accept. The episode ends with House playing his new guitar.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x24 - Human Error"}	foreverdreaming
[Megan's office. Day. Megan Bradberry walks through the office, cradling her cell phone on her shoulder, talking to her boyfriend, Ben Prosner.] MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Yeah, I said I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling too hot. INTERCUT WITH: [Office Parking Lot. Day. Ben Prosner gets out of his car, speaking to her.] BEN PROSNER: [into phone] You're sneezing. You can do that at a movie theatre. MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Yeah, and I'll be in a nice old chair when I collapse. I'm exhausted, babe. BEN PROSNER: [into phone] Oh, come on! We're gonna be late! Episode Four never comes to the big screen. This is the pre-Lucas-ised version, remember? None of that "Greedo sh*ting first" crap. MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Go without me. BEN PROSNER: [into phone] What are you talking about? You love Star Wars. [uncertain] Don't you? MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Ben... [She hands a sheet of paper to a spectacled lady sitting at her cubicle.] BEN PROSNER: [into phone, scandalized] Since when? MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Since just before I started pretending I loved it. [He lets out a loud sigh.] MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] I'm sorry. I was just trying to be supportive. BEN PROSNER: [into phone, shortly] Fine. I'll go alone. [He hangs up, peeved.] [She hangs up as well, shaking her head.] [He stands a while, sighing. He takes a look at the office building (where she works). He thinks for a second or two...] [Her phone rings, as she walks between cubicles. She answers it.] BEN PROSNER: [into phone, sincere] Baby, I'm sorry. MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Me too. I'm so woozy I can hardly think. BEN PROSNER: [into phone] We'll hang out at home. MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] No, you should go. [Suddenly, there's a rumbling sound and the office starts to shake. Big ripples appear in the water cooler bottle. She looks around, warily.] MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Did you just feel something? [Outside, the place is still. Ben looks around, confused.] BEN PROSNER: [into phone] Feel? Like what? MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Is there an earthquake? [She sees someone's hula girl toy, perched on top of a cubicle wall, swaying.] BEN PROSNER: [into phone] In New Jersey? MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Oh, God. BEN PROSNER: [into phone] What? MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] I think I'm, like... [A ceiling light starts to flicker, while the ceiling itself starts to break apart.] MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] ...hallucinating. [The hula girl toy is now rocking back and forth like crazy. The water in the cooler bottle is now splashing around heavily. The ceiling starts to shake harder, while the light flickers on and off.] MEGAN BRADBERRY: [scared, into phone] Call 911. [The ceiling light falls out.] [A loud scream is heard, as Ben watches in horror as the office building explodes from inside. A huge cloud of dust and debris flies towards him, as he falls back, covering himself. When the dust finally settles, Ben, covered in dust and covering his mouth with his jacket, stands up slowly. A car alarm sounds in the background. Papers fly everywhere. Ben looks horrified at the collapsed building. The camera pans upwards, past the twisted metal and debris, and focuses on the dusty hula girl toy, still swaying.] [Aerial View of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (PPTH). Day. A really loud and pretty well-played guitar riff is heard.] [House's Office. Day. Dr. Gregory House tries to bring the house down (idiomatically) with a new V-shaped electric guitar, connected to an amplifier. He continues to play as his patient, yet long-suffering boss, Dr. Lisa Cuddy, tries to get through to him.] LISA CUDDY: Twenty-six-year-old female, gas main exploded under her building, she was pulled out of the rubble after six hours. [House couldn't care less. He plays the same loud guitar riff again, drawing annoyed stares (like he gives a crap) from passers-by. ] LISA CUDDY: [continuing when he's done] Two surgeries for multiple fractures and burns. GREG HOUSE: I'm thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head. [gives her a "but-I-could-be-wrong" shrug] [He continues playing. She walks up.] LISA CUDDY: And the fever? She's the only collapse victim whose body temperature... GREG HOUSE: [interrupting] Put her on antipyretics. [He continues playing the guitar. Cuddy patiently waits for him to stop. She speaks when he does.] LISA CUDDY: Already have. The fever's holding at a hundred-and-four. Fluctuating consciousness. GREG HOUSE: Can't take the case. I don't have a team. LISA CUDDY: [smilingly holds up a file of résumés] So hire a team. GREG HOUSE: What for? I don't have a case. [She puts the file on his desk.] LISA CUDDY: Have you even interviewed anybody? GREG HOUSE: You test drive a car before you buy it. You have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten-minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them? [He lower-lip-pouts and twangs the guitar (quite funny). He starts to play again. She walks over to the amplifier and yanks out the cable, effectively stopping the rendition.] LISA CUDDY: You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert is over. GREG HOUSE: In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing? LISA CUDDY: [thrat] Take the case or you will spend the next month helping the collapse team change bandages. [Resigned, House looks down.] GREG HOUSE: [betting] I diagnose her... alone... by the end of the day, you go away for a week. LISA CUDDY: Done. [She dangles the guitar cable in front of him, almost daring him to keep playing now. He takes it and she walks out. He shakes the lead at her as she leaves and throws the cable aside.] [Cuddy's Office. Day. Cuddy speaks to House's long-suffering (and only) friend, Dr. James Wilson, about the bet.] JAMES WILSON: It's not gonna work. LISA CUDDY: If he solves the case, we cure the girl. JAMES WILSON: And prove he doesn't need a team. LISA CUDDY: He's not gonna solve the case. Not that fast. JAMES WILSON: Why not? LISA CUDDY: [insisting] Because he needs a team! And this'll prove to him... JAMES WILSON: You wanna change his mind about something, you need a more convincing argument than "You promised." [They look at each other.] [Diagnostics Office (adjoining House's Office). Day. House writes "FEVER" on his beloved whiteboard.] GREG HOUSE: [announcing as he writes] Fever. Non-responsive to antibiotics and antipyretics. [He writes "FL. CONSC.".] GREG HOUSE: Fluctuating consciousness. Go! [He turns around to an empty table. Duh! He sighs and snaps the lid on the marker.] LEON THE JANITOR: [vo] You talking to me? [House turns and sees a heavy-set, balding janitor (Leon the Janitor) in his office, with his cleaning stuff.] GREG HOUSE: [thinks a sec] Yes. [Leon sits in front of House, as House analogizes the case with his understanding of janitorial duties.] GREG HOUSE: Imagine that... the roof of the storage closet collapses on your favorite... [seeing the spray bottle in Leon's hand] floor buffer. Which then starts overheating. LEON THE JANITOR: Why would I have a favorite floor buffer? [House gives him a "Because..." look.] LEON THE JANITOR: Okay. [thinks] Maybe the electrical works got banged up in there from stuff falling on it. GREG HOUSE: Hmm, interesting. Brain damage leading to hypothalamic dysregulation. [He turns to write it on the whiteboard, but stops.] GREG HOUSE: Nah. If you're brought in covered in rubble, it's all about the MRIs. We'd have seen that. [clapping his hands] C'mon! Gotta earn that fiver. LEON THE JANITOR: [pointing to the spray] Or stuff leaked in the holes, messing it up. GREG HOUSE: Lacerations leave multiple portals for infection. Bacteria would've responded to the antibiotics. 'S too high for viral. [He starts to write on the 'board.] GREG HOUSE: [as he writes] Parasites or fungus is possible. LEON THE JANITOR: Or maybe lupus. [House stops writing and sh*t him a questioning look.] LEON THE JANITOR: Grandma has lupus. [House shrugs and starts to write again.] GREG HOUSE: [writing] Okay, autoimmune. I'll run a lupus panel. Infection fits best. Complete history would be helpful. Which leads to the worst part of the job. [He takes his cane off the board and turns to Leon.] GREG HOUSE: Dealing with the floor buffer's family. [He looks at Leon and frowns, an idea forming in his twisted mind.] [Megan's Room. Day. House speaks to Megan's mother, while Ben stands nearby.] MRS. BRADBERRY: We talked every couple of weeks, but Ben would know better than I... BEN PROSNER: No farms, no travel anywhere weird. GREG HOUSE: You get that, Dr. Buffer? [Camera pans off Ben to "Dr. Buffer", or should we say, Leon the Janitor in a lab coat.] "DR. BUFFER": No travel, no farm. GREG HOUSE: The file says she was sick before the building collapsed. [House looks at Megan's unconscious form on the bed, her face disfigured horribly. Her left eye is stitched shut, her cheeks are swollen, her mouth has multiple stitches on it. She breathes through a respirator.] BEN PROSNER: I figured it was just a cold. Why, do you think's related? GREG HOUSE: Her being sick and her being sick? Often is. BEN PROSNER: She was unconscious when I found her. [House flashes a pen light in her eye.] BEN PROSNER: [hesitates] We'd been fighting. I just wanna... Just tell me she's gonna be okay. GREG HOUSE: [as cruel as he can be] I'm not even sure you're gonna be okay. [Ben looks down in grief. "Dr. Buffer" walks forward and gently places his hand on Ben's shoulder, much to House's surprise.] "DR. BUFFER": [sympathetic] We're gonna make her all better. [Ben nods in gratitude. House looks at the touching moment, almost nauseous.] [PPTH Hallway. Day. House and "Dr. Buffer" walk.] GREG HOUSE: Show-off. "DR. BUFFER": You oughta be nicer to people. [House gives him a dubious look.] "DR. BUFFER": Where are we going? [House pulls the stethoscope off "Dr. Buffer's" neck.] GREG HOUSE: You know how the laughter of little children is infectious? Well, parasites and fungi are even more so. We're gonna find out which one is making her brain bubble over. "DR. BUFFER": Where, the building? GREG HOUSE: EPA's doing that job for us. They say it's clean. Which means we're making a pilgrimage to Castle Blackberry. "DR. BUFFER": [checking the file] Her name's Bradberry. I should ask them for keys. GREG HOUSE: No need. I'm sure we can find a large rock somewhere. ["Dr. Buffer" stops walking.] "DR. BUFFER": I'm not breaking into somebody's house. [House stops and turns towards him.] "DR. BUFFER": I got principles. GREG HOUSE: [patting his pocket] I got some loose change here says you don't. "DR. BUFFER": [shaking his head] I'm not doing this... for less than a fifty. [House drops his head and looks at "Dr. Buffer".] [House's Car. Day. Handheld camera inside the car. House drives, with Wilson as his passenger. They drive through the suburbs.] JAMES WILSON: Where's the restaurant? GREG HOUSE: What restaurant? JAMES WILSON: The one you said you were taking me to for lunch. GREG HOUSE: Oh. [points to one house] Uhhh, this one's homier. Dibs on the cold pizza. [Wilson looks bewildered. House fixes his Disability card under his rear-view mirror.] [Outside Megan and Ben's home. Day. House and Wilson stand outside, while House tries to jimmy the lock.] JAMES WILSON: I'm sure it looked easier on YouTube. [House has no success with the lock. He stands up and takes his cane from Wilson. He looks around for witnesses and then, breaks the window (near the lock) with the cane.] GREG HOUSE: Oops. [Putting his arm through the broken window, he unlocks the door.] [Megan and Ben's home, kitchen. House opens a cabinet, looks around and shuts it. Sitting on his haunches, he opens the cabinet underneath the washbasin and looks around. Wilson walks up, complaining.] JAMES WILSON: Yeah, you don't need a team. You can't even get arrested without company. GREG HOUSE: You're right. Only one solution. Never replace 'em. Ever. JAMES WILSON: Do you need help? [House grimaces in pain.] GREG HOUSE: Yeah, yeah, patronize the poor cripple. [He tries to move.] GREG HOUSE: [wincing] Ow. JAMES WILSON: Lemme... get that. GREG HOUSE: I got it. [Wilson kneels down and reaches for House's cotton swab.] JAMES WILSON: Will you... let me... just let me get it. [House hands him the swab and turns around, trying not to smile. He stands upright, smiling victoriously.] GREG HOUSE: I'll check the bedroom. [Megan and Ben's home, bedroom. House jumps onto the bed and lies down comfortably.] GREG HOUSE: [calling out, as if hard at work] Some interesting mold on the windowsill here! It's gonna take me a while. JAMES WILSON: [resigned] I'll cover the bathroom. [Still on the bed, House looks at some books ("Zodiac Signs", "The Princess and the Wolf") on the nightstand nearby. He has a thought and props his head up. He turns his head towards the bookcase. He looks at the books, neatly standing on the shelves - except for one ("Old Bug"), which juts out halfway. He gets up off the bed and limps towards the bookcase. He removes the "Old Bug" book and pulls out another one (hidden behind it). He opens it, finding handwritten text inside.] [Megan and Ben's home, kitchen. Wilson sits at the counter, cutting up a newspaper, when House enters, reading the book he unearthed.] GREG HOUSE: She had a secret diary. JAMES WILSON: Is there any other kind? GREG HOUSE: What're you doing? JAMES WILSON: There's a sale on Liquid Tide. GREG HOUSE: If you're broke, I can lend you a tiny bit of the money I owe you. JAMES WILSON: No, no, I wouldn't put you in that position. What does the diary say? GREG HOUSE: It's basically a list of her sexual encounters. Boys, girls, vibrating appliances. JAMES WILSON: If it was, you'd be quoting, not summarizing. GREG HOUSE: [reading the diary] This is a parade of sad banalities. "I can hardly get out of bed. Feeling blue." Then, three months ago, turns into a parade of happy banalities. "Starting to turn the corner. Job's looking up." JAMES WILSON: We can stop swabbing. Her clichés are getting healthier. GREG HOUSE: Or she's less depressed. Aren't there pills that do that? JAMES WILSON: Antidepressants don't cause fever. GREG HOUSE: Not on their own. But the ER Didn't know she was on MAO Inhibitors, so they gave her demerol. 'S a nasty combo. JAMES WILSON: So all you have to do is convince this kid that his girlfriend had a secret doctor, and a secret stash, and a secret life. It's been a while since a patient took a swing at you. Can I watch? [He picks up a box of chips.] GREG HOUSE: I only have to convince the mother. [thinks] Actually... I don't have to convince anyone. [He puts a few chips in his mouth.] [Megan's Room. Day. Ben speaks to someone offscreen (who just told him the news).] BEN PROSNER: This it total crap. If she was seeing a psychiatrist, I'd know. If she was on drugs, I'd know. [Camera pans from him to Leon, sorry, "Dr. Buffer" and Mrs. BradBerry.] "DR. BUFFER": [holding out the consent form] Mrs. Bradberry, please sign the form so we can start the dialysis. MRS. BRADBERRY: But why antidepressants? I don't understand. "DR. BUFFER": [repeats] Mrs. Bradberry, please sign the form so we can start the dialysis. BEN PROSNER: Stop saying that. MRS. BRADBERRY: Dr. Buffer, what is going on? What aren't you telling us? ["Dr. Buffer" wonders what to say.] [Cuddy's Office. Day. The outraged mother and boyfriend speak to an equally-outraged Cuddy (behind her desk), while House lounges sheepishly nearby.] BEN PROSNER: He's a janitor? GREG HOUSE: More significantly, a blabbermouth. [Cuddy moves her Dell flatscreen monitor out of the way, so she can see him.] LISA CUDDY: House, shut up! I am... very sorry how Dr. House handled this. It is completely unforgivable. [House gives her a look.] LISA CUDDY: [uneasy] Except if he's right. [Mrs. Bradberry frowns at her.] LISA CUDDY: Dialysis will filter her blood. BEN PROSNER: [firm] There's nothing to filter. LISA CUDDY: Save her life. BEN PROSNER: She wasn't depressed. GREG HOUSE: "I'm miserable around Ben." [Ben whirls around to look at him.] GREG HOUSE: Not me. I like Ben. [pulling out the diary] February 12th. [tosses it to Ben] Either she's depressed, or she just thinks you're a jerk. Neither suggests that you should be the one directing her medical treatment. MRS. BRADBERRY: Does the diary say my daughter's taking these drugs? GREG HOUSE: No, but medically... MRS. BRADBERRY: [interjecting] Did you find drugs in their home? GREG HOUSE: She's probably hiding them in her purse. [stands] I thought it'd be rude to go searching under a thousand tons of rubble. [Meanwhile, Ben has been reading through the diary. He looks up.] BEN PROSNER: This was months ago. We were in a fight. Doesn't mean she's depressed and it doesn't mean she doesn't love me. GREG HOUSE: Fine, maybe the diary proves nothing. On the other hand, half the country's on antidepressants. And it fits her symptoms perfectly. [Ben and Mrs. Bradberry look at each other.] GREG HOUSE: [to Mrs. Bradberry] No ring on your daughter's finger means you make the decisions. MRS. BRADBERRY: [stammers] I-I'm not sure... that I know her well enough anymore. GREG HOUSE: You really wanna risk her life on how well _he_ knows her? [Ben looks down. Mrs. Bradberry looks at him.] [House's Office. Day. House triumphantly enters and limps towards his desk. Immediately, he puts on the amplifier and turns the volume up. The amplifier lets out a hum. He goes over to the guitar stand and finds it empty! Surprised, he looks around. He follows the amplifier cable along the floor, up past his computer and sees the lead taped to the wall, under a note, which has letters cut out from newspapers and magazines. Understanding, he walks up to the note. It reads: I Have Your guitar Tell No one AWaiT MY inSTRUCTIONS His phone rings. He answers it, speaking first.] GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Wilson, you idiot. [An electronically-masked voice speaks.] THE GUITARNAPPER: [from phone] Listen carefully, and no one will get hurt. [House drops the receiver on his table and stalks out.] THE GUITARNAPPER: [from phone] You must follow these instructions. [Wilson's Office. Day. Wilson, AKA The Guitarnapper, speaks into his receiver, with a small bonesaw in front of the mouthpiece.] JAMES WILSON: [deep voice, into phone] Any attempt to contact the FBI or other law enforcement agencies, or... Cuddy, will be met with... [House busts inside. Wilson quickly stops the saw and speaks normally into the mouthpiece.] JAMES WILSON: [into phone] ...and a large Coke. No ice. [He hangs up.] GREG HOUSE: Give it back. JAMES WILSON: [innocently] What happened? [House throws his head up in annoyance.] JAMES WILSON: [melodramatic] Did someone... kidnap your guitar? [House starts to look around the place.] JAMES WILSON: Your twelve-thousand-dollar 1967 Flying V? Or something? GREG HOUSE: Where'd you hide it? [Wilson holds up the newspaper to read it.] JAMES WILSON: I'm flattered you would consider me this bold and brilliant. GREG HOUSE: Yeah, it takes a cr... [He stops, seeing pieces missing from Wilson's newspaper.] GREG HOUSE: It takes a criminal mastermind to pull off a heist from an unlocked, unguarded room down the hall. What do you want? JAMES WILSON: [bright-eyed] Me? Nothing. But I'm sure the kidnapper wants what every kidnapper wants. To see you interview five to seven well-qualified fellowship candidates. GREG HOUSE: [stubborn] I don't need a team. JAMES WILSON: You were bouncing ideas off a janitor. GREG HOUSE: [victorious] And solved the case! [He leaves. Wilson slaps the newspaper on his desk, irritated.] [Megan's Room. While Mrs. Bradberry stands nearby, Cuddy leans over the bed, speaking to an awake Megan.] LISA CUDDY: [gently] Hi. I'm Dr. Cuddy. If you can hear what I'm saying, blink once. [Megan blinks. Mrs. Bradberry smiles in relief. Megan wheezes, trying to touch her throat with her bandaged hand. Cuddy gently moves her arm away.] LISA CUDDY: You can't talk right now. You have a tube down your throat. And try not to move your head. You've been in a terrible accident. But it looks like you will have no permanent injuries. You've had a bad fever, but it's gone now. BEN PROSNER: I've been here the whole time, honey, okay? LISA CUDDY: This is very important. I need you to blink one for "yes", twice for "no". Were you seeing a psychiatrist? [Megan blinks once.] LISA CUDDY: Were you on MAO Inhibitors? The antidepressant. [Blink. Mrs. Bradberry and Ben look at each other.] BEN PROSNER: Megan, it's okay. Doesn't matter, okay? I love you. [Megan starts to breathe heavily. The monitors start to beep rapidly.] MRS. BRADBERRY: [scared] Honey? Honey, what's wrong? LISA CUDDY: Megan, are you all right? BEN PROSNER: What's happening? Are we upsetting her? LISA CUDDY: Heart is beating too fast. [to an approaching nurse] Get the family out of here. MRS. BRADBERRY: [crying] Megan? Megan? [Cuddy preps the defibrillator paddles.] LISA CUDDY: Charging to two hundred. [The nurse starts to usher a struggling Ben outside.] BEN PROSNER: Meg, meg. MRS. BRADBERRY: Megan. [Cuddy places the paddles on Megan's chest.] LISA CUDDY: Clear! [Zap! Megan's chest lurches forward.] [House's Office. Day. Cuddy (dressed almost conservatively) sits alone in the office, when House walks in (wearing his biker jacket and sunglasses). He enters slowly on seeing her.] LISA CUDDY: We shocked her back into sinus rhythm, but she's still tachycardic. GREG HOUSE: Fascinating. Equally fascinating is... why are you here? LISA CUDDY: I was gonna leave you alone if you won the bet. [smiling] But you lost. GREG HOUSE: I explained the fever. Which is all we were talking about. [He picks up an envelope, on which cutouts of "Dr." and "house" are pasted. He opens it.] GREG HOUSE: She confirmed the antidepressants. Go bet with someone else if you want to explain the heart problems. LISA CUDDY: She confirmed them by winking. Maybe there was a cute guy across the room. [House extracts a Polaroid from the envelope and sees it's a picture of his guitar, standing upright in a corner of a dreary room, with a copy of today's newspaper in front of it.] GREG HOUSE: She got better when I treated her. Even I'm not that cute. LISA CUDDY: Two unrelated symptoms, just a coincidence. Or... you're grasping at straws to avoid admitting you can't do this on your own. GREG HOUSE: [putting the Polaroid on his desk] Fine, what explains the fever and persistent tachycardia? [He walks towards the Diagnostics Office. Cuddy follows (almost Duckling-like).] LISA CUDDY: Could be anything. Endocarditis. GREG HOUSE: Nope. Fever, no infection. LISA CUDDY: [thinking] Um... GREG HOUSE: [hands her a marker] Keep going, you're doing great. [He leaves. She drops her hands.] [Wilson's Office. Day. Wilson sits at his desk, when House barges in.] GREG HOUSE: You win. JAMES WILSON: I don't believe you. GREG HOUSE: I'm not gonna play this game. Just give me the damn résumés. [He holds his hand out for the files. Wilson calmly moves to get them.] GREG HOUSE: And my guitar. JAMES WILSON: [innocently] I don't have it. Although I did hear some plangent strumming from under that couch earlier. [House turns and limps quickly over to Wilson's couch. He roughly moves it back and, finding nothing, turns to Wilson, an annoyed look on his face.] JAMES WILSON: Wow. This kidnapper isn't just bold, he's diabolical. I guess he realized he probably shouldn't give it back to you until after you've had the interviews. [He holds up the files of résumés. Restraining himself, House grabs the files and walks out. Wilson looks smug.] [Diagnostics Office. Day. Cuddy sits on the table, the whiteboard in front of her. House enters with the ransom résumés. He notices the whiteboard's still blank. He goes round it and sees it's blank behind as well.] GREG HOUSE: Huh! You didn't write anything. So what you're saying is, you didn't find that one big explanation... 'cause there isn't one. Clever. LISA CUDDY: Well, let's just say, your antidepressant theory does explain the fever. What about the heart? And don't say a building fell on her. GREG HOUSE: Okay... [clears his throat] A structure collapsed... LISA CUDDY: Shut up. GREG HOUSE: Come on, it fits. Crushed musculature releases potassium, causes V-Tach. LISA CUDDY: You'd think she'd get Crush Syndrome after she was crushed, not two days later. GREG HOUSE: Microvascular occlusions. Takes that long for the blood to reperfuse. [Cuddy likes that idea.] LISA CUDDY: She'd have a baggy heart. [tosses him the marker] Echo it to confirm. [She walks out.] [Megan's Room. Day. House performs an echo on Megan, while her mother and Ben stand close by.] BEN PROSNER: Is Crush Syndrome good or bad? GREG HOUSE: Does it sound good? BEN PROSNER: I mean, compared to the other things it could be. GREG HOUSE: There are no other things it could be. MRS. BRADBERRY: Then why are you testing her? GREG HOUSE: Excellent question. [He looks at the image of the heart beating and frowns.] MRS. BRADBERRY: [apprehensively] What... what is it? GREG HOUSE: The heart's fine. BEN PROSNER: [looking at Megan] Why is she sweating? [looking at the monitor] Her fever's back. MRS. BRADBERRY: Why would her fever be back? GREG HOUSE: I can't say. BEN PROSNER: You don't know? GREG HOUSE: I know, just can't say. 'Cause you'll ht me. Let's discuss this in front of witnesses. [Cuddy's Office. Day. House stands next to an ill-at-ease Cuddy, behind her desk, speaking to Ben and Mrs. Bradberry.] MRS. BRADBERRY: [incredulous] The DTs? BEN PROSNER: So she's an alcoholic now? GREG HOUSE: Her first fever was from the medication for her depression. BEN PROSNER: Or you're wrong. GREG HOUSE: The second fever was from the self-medication for depression. BEN PROSNER: This is insane. [angrily] You don't think I would have noticed her being constantly drunk? GREG HOUSE: [shrugs] You were practically living with Sylvia Plath. You didn't notice that. LISA CUDDY: [softly to him] Tone it down or I will ht you. GREG HOUSE: Fine, I'll do liver enzyme tests. LISA CUDDY: [whispers to him] Liver enzymes can also be elevated from musculoskeletal trauma. They'd be there whether she had a drinking problem or not. GREG HOUSE: [whispers in mock-frustration] They don't know that. Just pretend to confirm. MRS. BRADBERRY: What's the treatment? BEN PROSNER: [unrelenting] She's not an alcoholic. GREG HOUSE: Hair of the dog, IV alcohol. Taper it off after a few days. BEN PROSNER: She's sick and traumatized and half-dad. You wanna make her drunk. MRS. BRADBERRY: [weakly] Just do it. BEN PROSNER: [turning to her] You can't do this. We lived together, we were gonna have kids. You barely even knew her. MRS. BRADBERRY: Apparently, neither did you. [She walks off. Ben looks at Cuddy and House.] [Aerial View of PPTH. Night.] [House's Office. Might. House sits at his desk, in the darkened office, his face illuminated by a reading lamp. Putting on his glasses, he looks at a bunch of résumés. Finding one that interests him, he calls the applicant.] TREVOR KAUFMAN: [from phone, upbeat] Hello? GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Hi, could I speak to Trevor... [checks the résumé] Kaufman? TREVOR KAUFMAN: [from phone] Yo, yo, it's Trev. What up? GREG HOUSE: [into phone] This is Dr. Gregory House. Can you come in tomorrow to interview? TREVOR KAUFMAN: [from phone] House? Are you serious? Awesome! [whispering to someone on his side] Hey, dude, I got the House interview! [Trevor's roommate, who's either drunk or jealous, speaks.] TREVOR'S ROOMMATE: [from phone] Ohh, look at me! I got the House interview! TREVOR KAUFMAN: [from phone] Dude, shut up! I'm on the phone! Shut-up! TREVOR'S ROOMMATE: [from phone] I'm so cool! TREVOR KAUFMAN: [from phone] Give me the phone back. TREVOR'S ROOMMATE: [from phone] Woooo! TREVOR KAUFMAN: [from phone] Give me the phone back! [House hangs up.] [PPTH Nurse Station. Night. Wilson enters groggily, dressed in a sweatshirt. He approaches the Nurse Station, where a male nurse works on the computer.] JAMES WILSON: I got a page. MALE NURSE: No, you didn't. JAMES WILSON: They called a code. MALE NURSE: No, they didn't. [Wilson sleepily holds up his beeper. The male nurse looks at it.] MALE NURSE: [smiling] You got a page, but not from us. [Wilson realizes he's been conned.] [Wilson's Hotel Apartment. Night. House has broken inside (his second break-in today) and is busy ransacking the apartment, looking for his beloved guitar. The phone rings. House limps over and answers it.] GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Did you ever see "Raid on Entebbe"? JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Yeah, in the end, they released the hostages. How's that working for you? GREG HOUSE: [into phone] The Ugandans played fair. They didn't move the hostages on the Israelis. JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Once again, I am in awe of the kidnapper's tactical brilliance. [House switches on Wilson's TiVo.] GREG HOUSE: [into phone] What is "El Fuego Del Amor" and why do you need ten of them? JAMES WILSON: [into phone, nervous] It's a Telenovela. I'm learning Spanish. GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Say adios. JAMES WILSON: [into phone, panicked] Are you erasing my TiVo? [pleading] House, not the season finale! GREG HOUSE: [into phone, Bronson-like] I don't negotiate with trrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes. [Pretty safe to assume, as House fiddles with the remote, Wilson will have to hope and wait for reruns.] JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Do you know what trrorists do when you don't negotiate? [thrat] They terrorize. GREG HOUSE: [into phone, challenging] Bring-it-on. [Hanging up, he tosses the cordless receiver out the window.] [Megan's Room. Night. Cuddy checks up on Megan, with Ben and Mrs. Bradberry keeping close watch.] LISA CUDDY: Fever's down. Sweating has abated. Heart's working fine. Guess House was right. [hates saying it, but...] Again. MRS. BRADBERRY: That's good news, right? LISA CUDDY: It is good news. BEN PROSNER: So what does this mean, she's an alcoholic? There's no other explanation? LISA CUDDY: [looks at Megan, quietly] No, sorry. BEN PROSNER: It doesn't make any sense. MRS. BRADBERRY: Dr. Cuddy, she's doing this thing with her mouth again. [Cuddy looks at Megan to check.] BEN PROSNER: It's been on and off for the last couple hours. Is she trying to talk? Cuddy looks at Megan. She's shuddering like she's in pain.] LISA CUDDY: No. I think she's screaming. [Megan's silent screams continue.] [Aerial View of PPTH. Next Morning.] [PPTH Entrance/Lobby/Cuddy's Office. Cuddy enters, looking tired. House sidles up near her.] GREG HOUSE: [cheerful] Morning! LISA CUDDY: [reacts with a start] Uh-huh. Where did you come from? [They stop at the Nurse's Station, for Cuddy to sign in.] GREG HOUSE: Apes, if you believe the democrats. I heard you were there when I was proven right. The alcohol treatment took away the heart and fever problems. LISA CUDDY: Yes, I was also there when you were proven wrong. She'd been silently screaming for two hours. [She starts to walk towards her office. He follows.] LISA CUDDY: Amylase and lipase are through the roof. She has pancreatitis. GREG HOUSE: IV alcohol can cause pancreatitis. LISA CUDDY: Okay. [She enters her office. House looks puzzled. He follows her in.] [In her office, Cuddy puts her bag on the table, removes her jacket and gets her labcoat. House limps inside.] GREG HOUSE: You're not gonna argue with me? LISA CUDDY: Nope. GREG HOUSE: You think I'm right? LISA CUDDY: Nope. [She goes behind her desk.] GREG HOUSE: Why not? LISA CUDDY: Nope. GREG HOUSE: It's not really a "Yes or No" question. LISA CUDDY: Which is why I'm not answering it. GREG HOUSE: If it's not the IV alcohol, it's gotta be the... [She starts unpacking her bag, without looking at him.] LISA CUDDY: [interjecting] Not interested. GREG HOUSE: If I'm wrong, she's gonna die. Are you sure you're still Dean of Medicine? [She looks at him.] LISA CUDDY: I'm not interested in arguing because I'm not interested in enabling you. You need someone to bounce ideas off of. You need a team. [She starts to walk out. House turns to follow.] LISA CUDDY: Don't follow me. [House starts dad in his tracks.] [House's Office. Day. House sits at his desk, speaking to himself (or something).] GREG HOUSE: [counting on his fingers] MAO Inhibitor caused the fever. Alcohol caused the pancreatitis. Alcohol withdrawal caused the V-Tach [He looks at his Magic Eightball.] GREG HOUSE: [reading] "You're logic is irrefutable." LISA CUDDY: You're wrong. [He looks up to see Cuddy entering.] GREG HOUSE: Well, who're you gonna believe? A classic toy or a woman who, if she had any confidence in her ideas, wouldn't feel the need to distract you with a water bra? LISA CUDDY: [ignoring the jibe] Are you really just gonna treat the pancreatitis? GREG HOUSE: Are you here to enable me? LISA CUDDY: I don't want her to die because you're stubborn. GREG HOUSE: Wow, so you can enable and rationalize at the same time. Guess you are still Dean of Medicine. [He picks up a parcel on his desk and starts opening it.] LISA CUDDY: If you're right, then this guy, who's not an ass, who's not a workaholic, who's not a sociopath, has somehow missed both her depression and severe alcoholism. GREG HOUSE: Yes, imagine that, a couple with secrets. [He gets the parcel open and looks inside.] LISA CUDDY: [insistent] Why would she lie? [House's expression darkens when he sees the contents of the box.] LISA CUDDY: [deadpan] Okay, alcoholism you don't wanna advertise. But... [notices House's shocked expression] [House quickly picks up the box and his cane and starts to limp outside. Cuddy follows.] LISA CUDDY: If you're right, there'd be an abnormality on the pancreas. At least do an MRI to confirm. [They both walk outside.] [Wilson's Office. Day. Wilson's at his desk, when House bursts inside, carrying the box, a look of anger on his face. He tosses the box onto Wilson's desk. Wilson looks innocently at him. House gives him a thrat glare. Wilson chances a look inside and reaches inside the box. He pulls out a severed arm... a tremolo arm of a guitar, with broken strings.] JAMES WILSON: [in mock-disgust] Oh... my... God. [He throws the arm back into the box, repulsed, and pushes the box away.] JAMES WILSON: This guy means business. Or guys. Could be multiple... Could be multiple guys. Or a gal. Who knows? All I can say is, this reeks of boldness. GREG HOUSE: [staring him down] I am not hiring a team. [He starts to walk outside.] JAMES WILSON: You ever tighten a guitar string really, really slowly? [House stops at the door. JAMES WILSON: Past the point it can handle the strain? It makes this weird... sound. [House stares daggers at Wilson.] JAMES WILSON: Almost like a scream. [Wilson starts making low guttural sounds, like nails on a chalkboard. House storms off.] [MRI Room. Day. Megan is inside the MRI, while House sits in the adjoining room, looking at the results. Wilson enters.] JAMES WILSON: I thought this was gonna be fun. I mess with you, you mess with me. Eventually, you give in. But you've shown a startling lack of humor, which got me thinking. GREG HOUSE: [mumbling] Oh, god. JAMES WILSON: What's the real reason you won't hire a team? GREG HOUSE: I told you, I don't need a team. JAMES WILSON: Then hire three people and let 'em sit on their asses. GREG HOUSE: That wouldn't be right. JAMES WILSON: Three years ago, you hired a team. What's changed? GREG HOUSE: I've become a man of principle. I've gotten smarter. What answer will make Socrates shut up? JAMES WILSON: [Dr. Phil-son] What's changed is, you hired a team. You connected with a team. You worked with a team. And you lost a team. GREG HOUSE: [looking at the monitor] Damn. There's no abnormalities in her pancreas. JAMES WILSON: You fall in love, you get married. Fifty percent chance it'll end in misery. Hiring employees can be even tougher. Because you know, eventually, they're gonna leave. GREG HOUSE: There's increased T2 signal on her hepatic capsule. [looking at Wilson] If you know what I mean. JAMES WILSON: You got hurt. Get over it. [Uninterested, House hits a key. Megan is slowly brought out of the MRI.] GREG HOUSE: Now, if you'll excuse me, my patient is about to start bleeding out of her mouth and anus. [He gets up and walks into the MRI room, while Wilson rolls his eyes. Sure enough, blood seeps down Megan's mouth and between her legs.] [Operating Room. Day. Megan has been opened up. The surgeons and nurses work on her, cauterizing and stitching her bleeding organs. Cuddy watches from the Observation Deck above. House enters the Observation Deck.] LISA CUDDY: Internal bleeding. GREG HOUSE: Not anymore. Now it's all over the place. LISA CUDDY: Why are you here? GREG HOUSE: That's my patient down there. LISA CUDDY: You're here because I'm here. [confidently] I am done enabling you. GREG HOUSE: I know. [They stand and watch the surgery in silence. Cuddy cracks first.] LISA CUDDY: [without a pause] The alcohol didn't cause the pancreatitis, the internal bleeding did. The question is, what caused the internal bleeding? I hate myself. GREG HOUSE: You do know that the patient had a building land on her. LISA CUDDY: Four days ago. GREG HOUSE: Bleeding can start at any time. LISA CUDDY: It's bleeding from five different sites. You think they synchronized their watches? GREG HOUSE: She got warfarin after her hip surgery. It's designed to mess with bleeding patterns. LISA CUDDY: Fever, heart and bleeding. Three problems, three completely different explanations. She must be the unluckiest woman in the world. GREG HOUSE: [dogged] I only cling to this crazy theory because it's been proven right every step of the way. Each treatment worked. LISA CUDDY: [deadpan] Yes, she looks perfectly healthy. This much bleeding is a symptom of something more. And you need a team because you're wrong and you're gonna kll this woman. [House looks up and sees the surgery in progress on the TV screen. He notices something.] GREG HOUSE: If I had a team, this patient would be dad. Because they'd be here instead of me and they wouldn't notice the size of this woman's uterus. [Cuddy turns to the screen.] [In the OR, the doctors work on their patient. House enters, scrubbed up but without a mask.] GREG HOUSE: Hi! How's it going? Mind if I observe? SURGEON: [hardly bothered] Got a big room up top window just for that. [House starts to push Megan's gown upwards, so he can... look. A nurse tries to put a surgical mask on his face, but he pushes her hand away.] GREG HOUSE: Oh, stop that. SURGEON: You wanna look at vaginas, there are websites for that. [House pushes the gown up and goes to get something.] GREG HOUSE: Am I made of money? SURGEON: [to Cuddy, in the Observation Deck] Can you get him out of here? [Cuddy doesn't say anything, she's equally curious. House inserts a scope... inside Megan.] GREG HOUSE: Enlarged uterus. Means that she was recently pregnant. She's a good liar, but I doubt she could hide a baby from her boyfriend. [He puts on a monitor and looks.] GREG HOUSE: Scraping in the uterus indicates that she had an abortion. But nothing in her medical history. Only one reason to hide an abortion. Boyfriend wants babies, she doesn't. SURGEON: She's bleeding everywhere. Unless the guy was performing an abortion with a gn... LISA CUDDY: [over intercom] Stop enabling him! GREG HOUSE: It's not the abortion, it's what she did after. The boyfriend would have noticed condoms. He would notice abstinence. He would not notice the pill. Which means, [to Cuddy] I don't need a team! [Cuddy rolls her eyes.] [Corridor outside OR. Day. Ben and another guy (who seems really sad) sit on a bench, near the morgue. House comes out of the OR and approaches them.] GREG HOUSE: Hey, where's your mother-in-common-law? BEN PROSNER: [stands, introduces the other guy] Dr. House, this is Doug McMurtry. His girlfriend was working with Megan when... [trails off] GREG HOUSE: [to Doug] She's dad? DOUB MCMURTRY: [choked voice] She passed this morning. GREG HOUSE: Well, then why are you still here? [Doug doesn't react (or he doesn't know how to react to that remark). House speaks to Ben.] GREG HOUSE: I need the old lady's consent to do some treatment. BEN PROSNER: What'd you find out? GREG HOUSE: I wish I could tell you, but since you're not legally related... [He turns to leave, but Ben grabs him by the arm.] BEN PROSNER: What the hell did you did you find out? GREG HOUSE: Your girlfriend had an abortion. See why I didn't tell you? I'd be insane to also tell you that she's on the pill. BEN PROSNER: N-No, she's not. GREG HOUSE: If they'd known she was on it, they wouldn't have given her a blood thinner after her hip surgery. The combination caused the bleeding. It's good news. It's treatable. Just give her tamoxifen. Which is normally a breast cancer... BEN PROSNER: It's not true. 'Cause, uh, we wanna have kids. GREG HOUSE: Hmm, I already did the blood tests. Either she lied to you, or her blood lied to us. [Ben looks upset and stays quiet for a moment.] BEN PROSNER: [sighs] Tell Megan I'm glad she's gonna be okay. [He turns around and leaves. House and Doug remain.] [Aerial View of PPTH. Evening.] [Oncology Ward. Night. House juts his head through the curtain partition and speaks to an old cancer patient, Sam Lee, who's lying in bed, reading a book.] GREG HOUSE: How ya doing? SAM LEE: I got cancer. GREG HOUSE: [entering] You're on an oncology ward. Everybody's got cancer. You want sympathy, you wanna try the "hardly anything wrong with me" ward. [drops his cane] In fact, why don't I take you there right now? [He tries to move Mr. Lee's bed, but finds it's too heavy.] GREG HOUSE: How sick are you? Can you walk? [He grabs the patient's chart and looks at it.] SAM LEE: [with trepidation] Are you a doctor? [House starts to pull the bed upright.] GREG HOUSE: [reading the chart] Admitted today. First day of a five-day chemo course. Yeah, you can walk. C'mon, let's go. SAM LEE: Does Dr. Wilson know you're here? GREG HOUSE: [smiling] Well, if he didn't, this would be really stupid. 'Cause then he wouldn't know where his patient was. [chuckling] Might think he'd been kidnapped. The room upstairs is bigger. It's got cable. Better looking sponge-bath nurses. [Mr. Lee starts to get out of bed.] SAM LEE: [intrigued] Oh. GREG HOUSE: If you feel sick, you call me directly, not Dr. Wilson. He's getting his last set of hormone shts. [He ushers Mr. Lee out, who drags his IV line with him. House's pager starts to beep.] [Outside Megan's Room. Night. Monitors beep. Doctors and nurses work on Megan, while her worried mother looks on. House limps hurriedly to the room. Cuddy comes out of the room to speak to him.] LISA CUDDY: You put her on tamoxifen? An anti-cancer drug? GREG HOUSE: It blocks estrogen receptors. LISA CUDDY: Does it also block breathing and kidney function? She's crashing. [House watches the doctors and nurses attending to Megan.] GREG HOUSE: Doesn't mean I was wrong. [Cuddy looks at him.] [Emergency Room. Day. House limps inside the ER, where doctors and nurses move quickly attending to patients.] DOCTOR: [into phone] Dr. Martin. We're bringing his patient over now, thanks. GREG HOUSE: [shouting] Anybody here a doctor? [looks around, gets no answer] Kidney failure, spiking fever, breathing difficulties. Any theories? [No one even looks at him. He looks around. Near him, a young lady doctor attends to a wailing, squirming woman on a gurney.] GREG HOUSE: Am I in an M. Night Shyamalan movie? [The young doctor looks at him.] YOUNG DOCTOR: You're House, right? GREG HOUSE: Okay, I assume you know me because I once insulted you, your patient, or your relatives. If that's so, I apologize. I was drunk that day. [back to work] Patient initially presented with crush injuries. YOUNG DOCTOR: [interrupts] I know you because Dr. Cuddy issued a memo. GREG HOUSE: [hopeful] Telling to cooperate fully with me? YOUNG DOCTOR: Nope. GREG HOUSE: Figured that was a long sht. [shouts to the room] Anybody here not get that memo? [The people ignore him. Thwarted, he leaves.] [Corridor outside ER. Day. House exits the ER, limping into the corridor. As he limps, the young doctor comes up behind.] YOUNG DOCTOR: Fungal infection. [House turns around.] GREG HOUSE: Don't you have a patient? YOUNG DOCTOR: She sht herself in the leg while high on meth. Wouldn't hurt her to be in pain for a little while. GREG HOUSE: Fungal infection would be in her eyes by now. YOUNG DOCTOR: [guesses] Haemophilus. GREG HOUSE: Doesn't explain the remitting fever. [She looks intrigued and thinks.] GREG HOUSE: You've heard that I've got a job opening, right? YOUNG DOCTOR: I just care about people. [guesses] Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. GREG HOUSE: ARDS doesn't explain anything. Except the breathing. If you care about people, you're not getting the job. YOUNG DOCTOR: I was lying. Crush Syndrome. GREG HOUSE: Doesn't explain the breathing. What was the problem with ARDS? YOUNG DOCTOR: Only explained the breathing. GREG HOUSE: And the Crush Syndrome? YOUNG DOCTOR: It didn't explain the breathing. GREG HOUSE: You a fan of symmetry? YOUNG DOCTOR: Sure. GREG HOUSE: Weird. 'Cause your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes, I mean breasts. ARDS And Crush Syndrome, both reactions to severe trauma. Why can't she have both? YOUNG DOCTOR: Because... [somberly] because then there's nothing we could do. GREG HOUSE: Boy, you remind me of someone. [He starts to limp away.] GREG HOUSE: Send me your résumé. I'll put it on top of the pile that I'm... never gonna look at. [She hangs back and exhales heavily.] [Megan's Room. Day. House limps inside. He sees Ben sitting morosely on the other bed. Mrs. Bradberry gets up.] BEN PROSNER: I couldn't leave. GREG HOUSE: You don't seem like the type of person who would give up on giving up. BEN PROSNER: [expressionless] I love her. GREG HOUSE: You love somebody. Someone who didn't drink, who wanted to have babies. And wasn't miserable. BEN PROSNER: I know she lied, but... MRS. BRADBERRY: What are you doing? Why are you saying these things to him? GREG HOUSE: The woman you love doesn't exist. This woman is dying. She has Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome and Crush Syndrome. Her body's basically giving up. We can keep her on supportive dialysis and hope for the best. [Ben and Mrs. Bradberry look downcast. House starts to write on Megan's chart, but notices something on her arm. He pushes back her sleeve, to expose a reddish lump on her arm.] GREG HOUSE: Never mind. She has a lump on her arm. [Ben stands.] BEN PROSNER: [hopeful] Does that mean you're wrong? GREG HOUSE: That would be good news for you guys. We'll know after the biopsy. [He leaves, while the others go to see the life-saving lump on Megan's arm.] [PPTH Lab. Day. Cuddy walks into the lab, where lab tech, Imelda, works.] LISA CUDDY: Which patient is that? IMELDA: [checking the file] Megan... LISA CUDDY: House's patient. IMELDA: Yep. LISA CUDDY: Didn't you get my memo? IMELDA: Sure. Got both memos. LISA CUDDY: [under her breath, realizing] Both. [almost rhetorical] And the second memo said to ignore the first memo? IMELDA: Yep. Seemed odd. Did an MRI and... LISA CUDDY: [interrupts] 'Course you did. [Cuddy starts to walk out, but turns.] LISA CUDDY: What'd you find? IMELDA: It's kind of freaky. She's got growths all over the place. [Cuddy and Imelda look at the monitor, which shows the biopsy results. Lots of white oval spots, guess those must be the growths.] [Megan's Room. Day. Cuddy explains the situation to Ben and Mrs. Bradberry (who seems at the end of her rope).] BEN PROSNER: She's got tumors? LISA CUDDY: Not exactly. The growths are eosinophilic granulomas. [hanging up an IV bag] They are usually from allergic reactions. I'm putting her on steroids. [She starts to administer the IV drip to Megan.] MRS. BRADBERRY: Allergy to what? She doesn't have allergies. LISA CUDDY: We don't know. Unfortunately, the only drug she's had enough of to have this kind of reaction is cephalosporin. MRS. BRADBERRY: And why is that unfortunate? BEN PROSNER: Because she was on it two months ago. That's what you mean, right? She... took it for strep throat, so she can't be allergic to it. LISA CUDDY: It would seem so. MRS. BRADBERRY: [mad] What is this hospital doing to her? She has had three separate medical disasters! And now she's dying of an allergy she can't possibly have! [Cuddy doesn't answer.] [Diagnostics Office. Night. House sits alone in the darkened office, staring at the whiteboard, which is now filled with the different diseases, disorders or whatnot that Megan could have. He sits up, strokes his chin and keeps thinking.] [Oncology Ward. Night. Wilson enters Mr. Lee's section of the ward, pushing the curtain aside.] JAMES WILSON: Mr. Lee, I just have to check... [He sees someone in the bed, covered with a blanket.] JAMES WILSON: Sam? Are you okay? [No answer. He lifts the blanket and, seeing who's under it, yanks it off gruffly. It's the same male nurse he spoke to earlier about getting paged.] JAMES WILSON: What're you doing here? MALE NURSE: I was taking a nap. JAMES WILSON: Where's my patient? [He stops, pretty much realizing who might know.] [Diagnostics Office. Night. House is still thinking about Megan's condition, when Wilson enters.] JAMES WILSON: You stole my patient. GREG HOUSE: You kidnapped my guitar. JAMES WILSON: Give him back. GREG HOUSE: Only when you give her back. JAMES WILSON: It's a "she"? GREG HOUSE: [scoffs] Well, it's certainly not a dude. JAMES WILSON: [shouting] It's a guitar! You took a human being! GREG HOUSE: Now who doesn't have a sense of humor? I'm monitoring the guy remotely. JAMES WILSON: What are you, listening for the distant sound of screaming? GREG HOUSE: The nurses know to call me. JAMES WILSON: They don't know who he is! GREG HOUSE: His name's right there on the chart. Now go away. I'm working. JAMES WILSON: They give him the wrong meds, who the hell knows what's gonna happen? ["Lightbulb Moment". In other words, House has an epiphany.] JAMES WILSON: House! GREG HOUSE: [murmuring] Bad things would happen. [He starts to walk out.] GREG HOUSE: [to Wilson, as he leaves] He's in room three-one-eight. [Megan's Room. Night. Ben and Mrs. Bradberry watch Megan. House enters, carrying a file. He tosses the file on the bed, next to Megan. He starts to inject something into one of her IV lines.] MRS. BRADBERRY: [anxiously] What are you... what are you giving Megan? GREG HOUSE: Megan? Nothing. BEN PROSNER: Nothing? What's going on? What's wrong with her? GREG HOUSE: Her? Nothing. MRS. BRADBERRY: Then why are you giving her drugs? GREG HOUSE: Just some amphetamines to wake her up. Everything could be explained by her lying to you. The antidepressants, the drinking, the pill. Until now. Now she's allergic to something the chart says she's not allergic to. That's not her lying, that's the chart lying. Which doesn't make sense. [A bat.] GREG HOUSE: Do you know a Liz Masters? MRS. BRADBERRY: No. BEN PROSNER: Yeah, she worked with Megan. That was her boyfriend who you met outside the morgue. GREG HOUSE: Hmm. [holds up the file he brought in] This is her chart. [reading the chart] She's on MAO Inhibitors for depression. She's on the pill. She had an abortion a month ago. And she's allergic to cephalosporin. BEN PROSNER: [apprehensive] What's going on here? What, are you saying this isn't Megan? [Mrs. Bradberry looks worriedly at House. House looks at the patient.] GREG HOUSE: Yes. FLASHBACK: [Megan's Office. Day. Megan speaks to Ben on her cell phone.] MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Ben. BEN PROSNER: [from phone] Since when? MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Since right before I began pretending I loved it. [She hands a sheet of paper to a spectacled lady sitting at her cubicle. The lady is Liz Masters.] GREG HOUSE: She's the same size as Megan, same build, same hair color. FLASHBACK: [Camera zooms towards Megan. Camera zooms towards Liz.] GREG HOUSE: They were both horribly injured. Unrecognizably. EMT teams do not second guess family members' identifications at accident scenes. [Mrs. Bradberry starts to sob. Ben, as usual, refuses to believe it.] BEN PROSNER: No. Liz died yesterday. This isn't Liz. I know Megan. I know her hair. I know her hands. I know her smell. Oh. [House removes the respirator from the patient's throat and covers the tube into her throat with his finger. She breathes heavily.] GREG HOUSE: [to the patient] What's your name? [Ben and Mrs. Bradberry wait nervously for the answer.] LIZ MASTERS: [hoarsely] Liz... [Ben covers his mouth in grief.] MRS. BRADBERRY: [anguished] Oh, God! [They move away and cry. House starts to limp away.] GREG HOUSE: [to Ben, as he leaves] Your girlfriend never lied to you. [Ben cries silently, looking back at House and then at Liz.] [Liz Masters' Room. Night. Liz lies in bed. Doug McMurtry comes inside and slowly walks over to the bed. He holds Liz's heavily-bandaged hand gently and looks at her tearfully. Slowly, she opens her eyes and blinks at him once.] [Hospital Morgue. Night. Ben grieves silently over the real Megan's body. Mrs. Bradberry stands outside, her eyes closed in sorrow.] [House's Office. Day. House, his back to the door, plays with a rubber band. The door opens.] GREG HOUSE: I did it all by myself, mommy. LEON THE JANITOR: You talking to me? [House turns and sees Leon, standing at the door, a dustbin in his hand.] GREG HOUSE: Go away. [Leon leaves. House resumes playing with the rubberband. The door opens again.] GREG HOUSE: [chances it again] I did it all by myself, mommy. [This time, he's got it right. Cuddy stands at the door.] LISA CUDDY: How'd you know it was me? GREG HOUSE: There's a scent given off by wounded, feral cats. LISA CUDDY: [entering] You were wrong. GREG HOUSE: I got everything right. Just treated the wrong... LISA CUDDY: [interrupts] They had a good relationship. GREG HOUSE: He couldn't even identify her. LISA CUDDY: And you were wrong about needing a team. She almost died. GREG HOUSE: So I almost need a team. LISA CUDDY: You were content with your "people are idiots" theory. But Cameron would never have accepted that this guy knew nothing about the love of his life. And as soon as you claimed it was multiple conditions, Foreman would have done anything to prove you wrong. And then, Chase would have done anything to prove you right. Any one of them would have solved this days ago. Hire a team. I don't care how you do it. Just do it. [She plops a whole stack of résumés on his desk and leaves. He seems to think that she's right. He picks up one of the résumés.] [PPTH Training Room. Day. House strums his beloved guitar (with an unharmed tremolo arm) as he addresses a room full of prospective Ducklings. ECU of his hand and face.] GREG HOUSE: Sometimes, I am wrong. I have a gift for observation. For reading people in situations. But sometimes, I am wrong. This will be the longest job interview of your life. I will test you in ways that you will often consider unfair, demeaning and illegal. And you will often be right. Look to your left. Now look to your right. By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will twenty-eight more of you. [bat, ominously] Wear a cup. [With a flourish, he twangs his guitar. The loud sound emanating from the amplifier gives the unfortunate Duckling-hopefuls a start.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x01 - Alone"}	foreverdreaming
[A female Air Force pilot named Greta flies a Stealth fighter jet over a desert landscape.] GRETA: Big Eye this is Cobra zero-six, just entered Indian country, approaching wave .4, request confirmation to engage target on first approach. BIG EYE: Roger Cobra zero-six, Big Eye waiting for confirmation as well. GRETA: If you wait any longer Big Eye we're not going to have a choice, I can't exactly do a U-turn here. BIG EYE: Roger that Cobra, hold for confirmation. [Lightning strikes nearby. We see Greta's point of view, the landscape starts to change colour, it quickly flashes between blue, red, yellow, green, black and purple. We hear an alarm beeping quietly, gradually getting louder and louder until Greta snaps back into reality, landscape changes back to its normal colour and we see what was causing the beeping, a big red warning light is flashing as the aircraft is headed towards the ground, Greta doesn't have time to pull up and crashes. Black. We can hear Greta breathing heavily. A man opens a door and fills the room with light. It was a simulator. Greta unplugs her microphone cord. The man walks over to Greta who is still recovering, knocks on the glass of the fake aircraft, Greta opens it and takes off her helmet and mask off.] MAN: Captain Cooper you okay? What happened? You weren't answering. GRETA [Angrily]: Because the damn com cord got disconnected! You spend a billion dollars on the avionics and don't bother to check the com connection? MAN: No I checked that twice before you got in. GRETA [Raising her voice]: And the next time you ask us to test a prototype it would be nice if your direction gyro didn't spin like a top when I'm supposed to be 500 feet off the floor. MAN: I'm sorry. I'll go review the simulation, see if I can figure out what went wrong. [Leaves.] [Greta quietly freaks out.] [Cut to House twirling his cane, in a lecture theatre, standing in front of a big projection screen showing a black and white photo of a man.] HOUSE: Who is this man? [Camera pans out to reveal the 40 potential fellows staring at House and the screen, they each have a number around their neck, marathon runner style.] [No one says anything.] HOUSE: C'mon, take a sht. I'm not going to fre you every time you get a wrong answer. 23: Neville Chamberlain. HOUSE: You're fired. [23 is shocked but gets up and leaves without a word.] Does this man look like he's ceding Czechoslovakia to a fascist dictatorship? 26 [Old guy.]: It's Buddy Ebsen, the actor, he's dad. Why are we... HOUSE [Interrupting.]: Buddy Ebsen was the original tin man in the Wizard of Oz, for a day. He was diagnosed allergic to the aluminium dust in the make-up. His lungs failed he nearly died, question is, why? 11 [Guy in a wheelchair.]: Didn't you just say he was allergic? HOUSE [To 11]: You may not have legs, but you've got ears, I suggest you use them. I said he was diagnosed allergic. [To everyone.] Since we are currently short exactly one interesting patient, we are going to figure out what really happened to Buddy Ebsen in 1938. Now on one hand he's not getting deader, on the other hand your jobs hang in the balance. So... [Cuddy enters.] CUDDY: House? [They share looks.] HOUSE: I want seven alternate diagnosis when I get back. [Goes to talk to Cuddy who is still standing in the doorway.] CUDDY: Did you forget how to count to three? HOUSE: I've got a budget for three, doesn't mean I can only hire three. CUDDY: Actually that's exactly what it means. HOUSE: I cut the permanent salaries by 10 percent, over 3 years that'll more than make up for the breakage on the 27 that I'm going to weed out over the next few weeks. CUDDY: There's forty people in there. [House looks inside the lecture theatre.] HOUSE: Row D, you're fired. [Everyone in Row D starts to leave, House turns back to Cuddy.] I didn't actually count all the resumes. CUDDY: This is stupid, you can't manage that many people, you're just going to keep weeding them out arbitrarily. HOUSE: Sure, [as people start filing out between House and Cuddy] and having them sitting in my office schmoozing about their favourite Algerian surfing movies, that's a much better system. Wait a sec. [Stops number 19, a pretty brunette, from leaving.] Were you in Row D? 19: Yes. HOUSE: My apologies, my boss says I'm being arbitrary and stupid. [Sticks his head back in the lecture theatre.] Row D is not fired, Row C is fired. 19: Great, thank you. [House smiles at Cuddy. The Row D people start to go back into the lecture theatre and Row C start to leave.] HOUSE: See? That was not arbitrary. [House's pager goes off.] Well I'd love to chat but I've been paged. [Picks up his pager and looks at it.] That's interesting, apparently paged myself. [Leaves.] [Cut to House about to walk into his office. House walks in through the Diagnostics office door, Greta is standing at his desk holding a large yellow envelope.] HOUSE: If you have a resume there I'm not interested, but I wouldn't mind hearing how you got my pager number. GRETA: It's not a resume. [Tips the contents of the envelope onto House's desk. Large stacks of cash fall out.] 50,000 dollars. HOUSE: Does One-eyed Nicky want me to run that to Jimmy the nose? GRETA: It's for my medical bills. [Sits down.] I need you to find out what's wrong with me. HOUSE: [Sits down.] Insurance is usually cheaper than that. Cash means there's something to hide. GRETA: I'm a captain in the Air Force about to start a new assignment. NASA's astronaut training program. HOUSE: I discovered salt and created FM radio. GRETA: Something is wrong. With my eyes, my ears. HOUSE: Well if it's fixable the Air Force will do it for free. If not, doesn't matter. GRETA: There are 100 applicants ready to take my place who don't need to be fixed. I need to do this off the books. I did the research, you're the best, you break rules, and you don't care about anyone except yourself. HOUSE: Well let’s say that's true. You get a new job, the hospital gets a nice wad of cash, what do I get? GRETA: I crashed a flight simulator, because I started to hear, with my eyes. [Cut to House entering the lecture theatre. Everyone quickly gets back in their seats.] 11: The aluminium, could have been tainted... HOUSE: [Cuts him off:] Don't care. New patient. [Turns off the projector and motions for number 6 to move it, which he quickly does.] 30 year old female, with synaesthesia. New rules. [Pulls up the projection screen to reveal a blackboard that reads 'Tesla was robbed!'] You generate a lab report – You shred it. X-ray - You melt it. No notes, no records, nothing. As far as you're concerned the patient is Osama Bin Laden and everyone not in this room is Delta Force. Any questions? 11: We're protecting Osama Bin Laden? HOUSE: It's a metaphor. Get used to it. Any more questions? 11: And you're not even going to tell us her name? HOUSE: You think her name might be connected to what's wrong with her? [Walks over to the side door.] Here's Osama! [Opens the door. Greta walks in, House gives her a chair and she sits down.] Now you all have numbers so we're going to do this, alphabetically. 8, 15 and 5. [House starts to pace around.] 39 [Male, dark hair, middle aged.]: Is the synaesthesia new? GRETA: Yes. 39: Any history of similar symptoms or psychiatric... GRETA: No, nothing. 39: Are you on any prescription meds or use any other drugs? GRETA: No. 39: Should we trust her answers? HOUSE: What, you think I'd pull you off Buddy Ebsen just for a junkie? 24 [Female, blonde]: Can we trust your answers? HOUSE: You have got to trust someone right? 24: No. [Leans forward.] Has anyone close to you been sick lately? A family member, a co worker? GRETA: No, not that I'm aware of. HOUSE: Two down, Kitty Carlisle? 13 [Female, red-ish brown hair.]: You spend much time above 20,000 feet? [Greta looks at House.] HOUSE: Why would you ask that? 13: People who fly are immobile for long periods. Could be a leg clot that embolised to the brain through a PFO. HOUSE: That's an unusual choice. 13: Well like you said, you wouldn't interrupt Buddy with anything that wasn't. HOUSE: The patient is, a frequent flyer. 13, 32, 39, get Osama an EEG, MRI and an angiogram. [Those three and Greta start to leave.] How many of you think the Oswald acted alone? 6 [Male, youngish. Puts up his hand.]: If by alone you mean that he was unaware that the CIA... HOUSE: Oh shut up. Split yourselves into 2 groups, test her blood, test her stool. [6 and several others leave.] Who likes the designated hitter? [Two female blonde identical twins – 15A and 15B put their hand up.] You're wrong, you're lucky you're not fired. 2 more groups, LP and cultures. [Twins and others leave.] Who doesn't know what a designated hitter is? [26, 2 and 10 put up their hand. House starts to write on a piece of paper] Ok here is her address, I want you to break in, find out what she's hiding. [The three of them start to leave, 26 takes the address on the way out, 2 stops next to House] 2 [Female, Russian accent.]: Why don't we just ask the patient for the key? HOUSE: Well if we could find out what she's hiding just by asking we'd have to redefine hiding. You want to live in this country learn the language. [2 leaves.] 11: What do you want the rest of us to do? [House thinks.] [Cut to them washing his car.] 11: Thirty people for three openings and I want you to wash my car, this is not why I busted my ass in med school! 18 [Male, black, young.]: So we spend a half an hour cleaning a car, big deal. 11: It's demeaning. 18: Work is demeaning? You're too good for this? 24: Don't give me that honest day’s labour crap. We all went to med school so we wouldn't have to do an honest days labour. 18: What about an honest hours labour? In exchange we get a sht at learning from one of the best diagnosticians in the world. 24: No, we don't, if we did we'd be one of the one's drawing blood or checking for toxins. We're done. He's just not going to cut us loose until we've dusted his shelves and starched his shirt. [Throws the sponge into the bucket.] I'm out of here. Who's with me? [Throws her number on the ground and leaves, everyone but 18 follows. 18 continues washing the car.] [Cut to 10 climbing on a dumpster to get to a window. 26 and 2 are standing on the ground watching] 2: Are we sure he wasn't joking? Maybe this is just a test. 10: Everything's a joke and everything's a test and he wants us to do it. C'mon get up here [Holds his hand down to help 26 get up.] 26: Well I could try but I pulled a muscle in 1987. 2: I didn't waste two years repeating medical school to be arrested and deported. 10: Why did they make you repeat? Not enough gym credits? 2: According to the state of New Jersey medical schools in my country suffer from not being from this country. [10 helps 2 up onto the dumpster.] 26: You know if you get it open you're going to have to come down and let me in? 10: Or, you could just wait out here. This is a competition. [Starts trying to get the window open.] [Cut back to 18 still washing House's car. 24 walks up to him.] 18: You change your mind? 24: No. 18: Then why are you here? 24: Never intended to quit. 18: Then why did you... 24: Intended to get everyone else to quit. [18 shakes his head.] Get off the car. 18: I need to clean it. WE need to clean it. [24 shakes the keys in her hand so 18 can see.] 24: I stole his keys. We'll take it to a car wash. [18 gives her a look.] He's got people breaking into a woman's apartment, obviously respecting personal property isn't one of the rules. [Gets in the car.] [Cut to 10 still trying to get the window open with a screwdriver. 26 appears behind the window and opens it from the inside.] 26: I told the super I was worried about my niece, she hasn't been answering the telephone. Nice guy. Two daughters in Mount Holyoke. [10 climbs through the window.] [Cut to 13, 39 and 32 in House's office; House is looking at something on his computer.] 39: No evidence of clots and other than elevated red blood cell count ah, the ah, blood work was unremarkable. [House looks at 39 then at 32 who looks disgusted.] HOUSE: Got a problem with the naked female form? 32: Not at all. 13: Maybe she's just not used to seeing it spooning with the naked dolphin form. HOUSE: That's not a dolphin, it's a porpoise. There is a difference you know. [Goes back to looking at the screen] Salary for one thing. 13: You want us to give you a minute? [House turns around to look at 13 and sees Chase walking passed his office, in slow motion. He gets up and quickly walks over there.] 13: A high red blood cell count likely means... HOUSE [Stops just outside his office door trying to see Chase.]: Carbon Monoxide poisoning. 39: There are a lot of different explanations for elevated red blood cells. HOUSE [Squinting, still trying to see Chase]: Yeah well which one fits best with the damaged flu that your competitors found, in the gas fre place in Osama's cave. [24 walks up to him.] 24: Car's clean. HOUSE: Did you just see a blonde guy with a pretentious accent? 24: Can't see an accent. HOUSE: Good point. Can I have my car keys back? [24 looks shocked and a little scared.] Give me the car keys, put the patient in a hyperbaric chamber and no more prime numbers for you. [24 gives him the keys.] Thank you. [House walks back into his office.] [Cut to 6, 24 and 18 in the hyperbaric chamber with Greta.] 6: The high pressure and oxygen will flush the carbon monoxide from your system. This much oxygen for too long can have some toxic effects so, we'll do this in cycles. [Puts an oxygen mask on Greta.] [24 is typing something into her PDA] 18 [Quietly to 24.]: Can I talk to you for a second? [They walk to over to the door.] You're working that thing all the time is everything alright? [24 nods.] We're supposed to be watching her heart rate and blood pressure. 24: Yeah I was until you pulled me over here. I'm sending out a consult on another patient. 18: Ok. 24: What? I'm not quitting my old job until I'm sure I've got a new one. 18: I didn't say anything. 24: You had a look. 18: Yeah, I did. Sorry. [Monitors start beeping.] 6: Hey I think she's having a heart attck. GRETA: No I just feel a little funny. [Passes out.] 24: Tachyarrhythmia. 18: Call a code. [24 injects her with something then tries to feel her pulse while 18 does compressions.] 24: Nothing. 18: V-fib. Well where the hell's... [6 comes running in with paddles.] 6: Clear. 18: Are you crazy you can't use those we're in a hyperbar... 6: Clear. [18 quickly turns off the oxygen. 6 shocks her, she catches fre.] 18: She's on fre! [Alarm starts going off. 18 puts the blanket over the fre while 6 grabs a fre extinguisher and sprays her. 6 feels for a pulse.] 6 [Smiling]: Her heart's beating. 18: And we are so fired. [The sprinklers come on.] [Cut to a sht of Greta back in her room, then to everyone back in the lecture theatre.] 6: We've started her on nitro and blood thinners. Electrolytes and post arrest EKG were normal, the attck was not caused by the procedure. HOUSE: So what does cause synaesthesia, high red blood cell count and heart attck? 24: Aren't we going to discuss what caused the sudden appearance of burnt flesh? He [Pointing to 6] brought charged paddles into an oxygenated room. HOUSE: And you didn't stop him. Means either you thought it was a chance worth taking, making you a hypocrite or you thought he'd fail, making you a cut throat little pixie. What causes... 15A: Takayasu’s syndrome. 15B: Not without a rash and a fever. It's got to be Whipple's. 15A: No way, you ever see Whipple's without abdominal pain? HOUSE: Stop it! This argument is distracting every male and lesbian here. You're both right, in the sense that you've convinced me that you're both wrong. 26: What about cardiomyopathy? Structural abnormality causes the heart attck and throws clots to the brain, leading to synaesthesia HOUSE: How old are you? 26: I'm 21. Unless it's relevant. HOUSE: Ok scooter. Do a transeosphageal echo, and since the positive divisors of 26 are 2 and 13 have them assist. The rest of you, go to the cafeteria and document 10 things that could cause infection. Each. [Everyone starts to leave.] [Cut to the cafeteria where we see them all walking around writing down stuff, Wilson is sitting down filling in the crossword in a newspaper. House walks up and steals one of his pieces of bread.] WILSON: I wouldn't. Someone named 17 thinks there could be lysteria in the cream cheese. HOUSE: 17's a stupid number. [Takes a bite.] What's Chase doing here? WILSON: You saw Chase? HOUSE: Last night, outside my office. WILSON: That's interesting. HOUSE: It's more curious than actually... WILSON: Chase took a job at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona. A week ago. Interesting... It wasn't Foreman or Cameron you saw, but Chase, the one you fired. HOUSE: Not interesting. Someone who looked like someone I used to know walked by my office. WILSON: It's always interesting when a repressed guilt starts un-repressing itself. HOUSE: The only thing I feel guilty for is this. [Throws what's left of the bread into Wilson's coffee.] [Cut to 26 rubbing gel on an endoscope while 13 and 2 are preparing Greta.] 26: We're going to feed this endoscope down your oesophagus, try to find where your heart might be damaged. [Greta nods while 2 sticks a plastic thing in her mouth to keep it open.] It's going to feel uncomfortable but just keep swallowing, I promise you'll be fine. 13: She's ready. 26: [Lifts up the endoscope to start but hesitates. Holds it out in front of 2.] Go ahead, take a whack. 2: [Suspicious.] Right. So if we don't find anything House blames me. 26: Or you find something a get a gold star. 13: Why don't you want to do it? 26: House isn't going to be impressed by a grey hair doing his 10,000th echo. 13: So you just don't want to do it? [Takes the endoscope.] 26: That makes you suspicious. Doctor? 13: Call me 13. I'm not getting invested. [Starts to put the endoscope down Greta's throat.] [Cut to House and The Numbers walking down the corridor. 2 moves in front of House and walks backwards.] 2: Her heart's structurally sound. No clots, no valvular defects, no wall motion abnormalities. HOUSE: Got that from structurally sound. 15A: What did she say? 6: Structurally sound. HOUSE: I assume you're not all walking with me to tell me that you found nothing. 2 [Still walking backwards in front of House]: It showed a short burst in the atrium... [A guy in the corridor swings a wheelchair around just in time to get right behind 2 and force her to fall into the chair. She quickly gets up and glares at the guy, who quickly leaves. Everyone stops walking.] HOUSE: Ok, who's next? 13 [Moves in front of House]: Showed a short burst of atrial flutter, I ran a rhythm strip twice and got the same results. HOUSE: Stop. [Moves 13 out of the way with his cane and turns to look at the group.] Ok. Here's how we diagnose in transit. I lead you draft, I move you move, I stop you stop. Got it? 13: Flutter could mean hormone overproduction we should... HOUSE: Wait a sec, why did you do the test? I gave it to Scooter. 26: We didn't think it mattered. HOUSE: It doesn't. It matters that you let her. Ok. 10, 24, 39 run a TRH stimulation test for hyperthyroidism. [Walks off. The numbers follow.] 2: That could cause another heart attck. HOUSE: Proving her first attck was caused by her thyroid. [Pushes the lift button with his cane.] Which is kind of the point right? [Elevator dings. House walks in, the numbers start to follow.] Uh ah ah ah! [They step back.] I ride alone. [Pushes the button and the lift closes.] [Cut to 39 injecting Greta with the hormone.] 39: The hormone stimulates your thyroid, don't worry if you get flushed or you start to sweat, it means the thyroid's working. [Greta nods.] And if you want I can remove that mole. [Moves his hand to touch it, Greta moves her head back away from him.] I'm a plastic surgeon, you're allowed a little vanity. GRETA: I'm fine with the way I look. 39: Good for you. [10 looks at her monitor as it makes a small beep.] Although I do find it a bit odd that someone so self assured doesn't want her doctors to find out what's wrong with her. GRETA: What are you talking about, why else am I here? 39: You're jerking us around. You're handcuffing us with all these restrictions. GRETA: I'm feeling warm. 10: Her pulse is 120, stop pushing. If House thought this would handicap us he wouldn't have taken the case. 39: Or maybe that's why he took the case, he wants to see if we can get it out of her on our own. 24: What did you find in her home? GRETA: You were in my home? 10: Nothing. 24: Travel pictures, year book, her name on an employment slip? 10: We weren't checking for that stuff ok? [We see from Greta's point of view, everything goes multicoloured again.] Obviously House didn't want us to. [View goes back to normal.] GRETA: [Starts trying to get out of the bed.] You're going to... You're going to out me, aren't you? You're going to ruin everything. 39: Nobody's trying to do anything. Just relax. [Monitor starts beeping.] 24: This is not a normal response to the test. Pulse and BP are too high. GRETA: [Pulls off the leads and drags the monitor in front of her for protection.] Get away from me. [View starts going multicoloured again.] Get away from me. Don't touch me. [Runs out of the room, 10 and 39 chase her.] [Cut to House getting off the elevator on the second floor, where the balcony is. Walks over to 39, 24 and 10 who are standing outside the closed door of the Chapel.] HOUSE: Paging me during Judge Judy, not the best way to win my affections. 10: She had another episode of synaesthesia, it set off a psychotic attck and now she ran in there [points to the Chapel doors] and must've jammed something in the handles. HOUSE: So you called me, the guy with one good leg and zero leverage. [Rolls his eyes and starts to walk away.] 39: We break that door down, security shows up, and her name goes in a file. [House stops and walks back.] HOUSE: Well luckily, volence is not the last resort. Extortion is. [Motions to 10.] So go ahead, extort her. 10: [Moves close to the doors.] If you don't open this door, we're going to break it down. HOUSE: Clever. An appeal to her deep concern for hospital property. Let's see how that works. [Waits, nothing happens.] 10: If you don't open this door, you're going to die. GRETA [Yelling from inside.]: Go away! [10 gives up and walks away from the doors and towards the balcony.] HOUSE: You seem to be getting to her. 39: She doesn't care if she dies. HOUSE: You think she wants to die? 39: No, but I think she only wants to live under certain circumstances. [House motions for 39 to give it a try.] Open up or I blab your secret to everyone. GRETA: You don't know anything. HOUSE: I do. [House looks across and sees a blonde Cameron leaving the clinic, in slow motion. Meanwhile Greta bursts out of the Chapel. 10 and 39 catch her and she struggles to break free.] GRETA: No! HOUSE: Anybody think that a sedative might... 24: I'm trying. HOUSE: Ok. [24 sab Greta in the arm and she collapses with 39 and 10 holding her up. Just then Cuddy walks up.] CUDDY: [To House.] Who's that? [Everyone stares at her.] [To 39, 24 and 10.] Who is she? 39 [Looks at House who shakes his head.]: Osama Bin Laden. [Cut to Cuddy walking into the lecture theatre where the rest of The Numbers are. Everyone goes silent.] CUDDY: Who is she? 18: Is she ok? CUDDY: She's sab. Who is she? 26: What did House tell you? CUDDY: That she is on the run from an international crime syndicate. 26: That's what he told us. CUDDY: House may be your boss, but I'm House's boss. You want to work here, I better be okay with it. 2: Honestly, he didn't tell us anything about who she was, or what she... 10: Her name's Greta Cooper. Wants to be an astronaut. Doesn't want NASA to know her brain's getting her ears confused with her eyes. I went through her mail. [Cuddy leaves satisfied.] [Cut to Cuddy and House walking down the corridor.] CUDDY: You're a virus House, now instead of one liability I've got 20. HOUSE: Apparently only 19. Which number was it? CUDDY: From now on everything you do gets charted. With pen, on paper, in a binder that says Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital on the cover. HOUSE [Whines.]: Mum! CUDDY: If you want to run something through the labs, I get a copy. If you do scans, I get a copy. If you THINK about doing scans, I get a copy. HOUSE: You know my current thoughts right? I don't have to put those on paper. [Leaves.] [Cut to House walking into the lecture theatre where The Numbers are waiting.] HOUSE: Three issues. One. Number 10, you're fired. 10: She told you? HOUSE: Well, it had to be someone who went to her home. Number 26 is half asleep, missed his afternoon nap. Obviously he doesn't feel guilt. Number 2 is here on a visa, she can't jeopardise... 10: You can't know! HOUSE: And that chick's [points to 24] been pointing at you since I walked in. [10 leaves.] Issue two. What causes synaesthesia, high RBC, tachyarrhythmia, and panic attcks? [Rubs off the blackboard.] 37: Slight glucose elevation. That says thyroid. 39: Baseline thyrotropin's 1.1. 24: It's 1.3. 39: Whatever. Her thyroid's working. 24: What about her liver? [House starts writing symptoms on the blackboard.] Original A.L.T. levels weren't abnormal but were near the edge. 6: She has patient data on her PDA. 24: I do not. 6: I saw the lab values, you said we couldn't write anything down. HOUSE: I also said I wanted answers. 24: Liver cancer's the most likely. Paraneoplastic syndrome. We need to do an MRI. HOUSE: Which brings us to issue three. 6: You're saying we can write stuff down? HOUSE: To you, I'm saying you're fired. To everyone else, I'm... 6: But you said specifically... HOUSE: I hate tattle tales. 6: She tattled on 10. HOUSE: Now you tattled twice. Issue three. [Notices 6 still sitting there in shock.] C'mon, let’s go. [6 leaves.] Issue three, how do we do tests when we can't do tests? 2: Dr. Cuddy didn't say we can't do tests, she said that we have to chart. HOUSE: If we chart, then we won't get consent. So we can't. 2: The patient's life may depend on her consenting. HOUSE: Her dreams depend on her not consenting. So, how do we do tests when we can't do tests? [No-one answers.] You've got an hour. [Leaves.] [Cut to House entering Wilson's office.] HOUSE: How do you scan a liver without scanning a liver? And what's Cameron doing here? WILSON: Interesting. So you're seeing Cameron now? HOUSE: No. Not interesting because not seeing. Saw. My patient wont consent to MRI's or ultrasounds, and you've dealt with more liver cancer than anyone else here. WILSON: So you want me to share the secret scanning techniques I learned in Nepal? Unfortunately, the monks made me swear a blood oath. Where was she? HOUSE: In the lobby. I guess we could palpate the area around the liver. WILSON: Which wont work unless the tumour's enormous, which you KNOW, which means your here because these visions are freaking you out. HOUSE: She had blonde hair, why would I hallucinate that? WILSON: Yes. Yes, why are you merging Cameron and Chase? We should find out before the next time you see her when she'll be black. HOUSE: Mm-hmm, because, of course it's scientifically impossible for a person to go back and visit somewhere they worked. WILSON: No. But since she's not a dad cat, it is scientifically impossible for her to be in two places at once. HOUSE: Physics joke. Don't hear enough of those. WILSON: She just called me from Arizona. [Dials a number and turns the phone around so House can see the number.] Notice the area code – 480. They put an offer on a place in Scottsdale. [The phone is ringing.] Do you want to talk or should I? I guess we could both talk. Although they're engaged and if you're staying in touch, you might want to buy them... [House hangs up the phone with his cane.] Maybe it's not repressed guilt, Maybe it's just panic. Right now you've got enough fellows to build a rail road. But you're going to have to narrow that room full of numbers down to three people. HOUSE: Any chance you could turn this creative brilliance towards my patient's liver? [House pops a pill.] WILSON: I think you're going to choose people for reasons that have nothing to do with their skills. I think you're going to choose people just because you can't stand them. Because if you like them, well, that's just, stressful. HOUSE: Stress... I like it. [Leaves.] [Cut to House going back into the lecture theatre.] HOUSE: We need to stress the patients liver. 15B: You mean make her sick? HOUSE: I mean make her sick in a specific way. If her liver's given to malfunctioning, we make it malfunction. 15B: Are we on the other side of wrong here? Don't we have an ethics board that we should consult or... [House notices 6 sitting behind 15B, only now he has turned his number upside down so it's a 9.] HOUSE: I fired you. 6/9: No you didn't. 24: He fired you. You're number 6. 6/9: No I'm not I'm number 9. HOUSE: I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired. [6/9 starts to leave.] So how do we stress her liver? 15B: Lying and paperwork I get, shutting down organs I think... 13: We could give her intravenous Vitamin D and stick her in a tanning booth. If she goes into a coma, we know it's a metabolic problem. HOUSE: Nice. But Vitamin D's metabolised by the liver and kidneys. It wouldn't tell us which one's screwed up. 6/9 [Who is still standing at the back of the room.] We could get her wasted. [Everyone turns and looks at him.] Give her shts of tequila, measure how long it takes for her to pass out. If it's too fast, then we know her liver's not processing alcohol. It's sht. HOUSE: I like you number 9. [6/9 smiles, 24 is shocked.] [Cut to House in his office repairing his guitar under a magnifying glass. 18 walks in.] 18: You wanted to see me? HOUSE: You a Mormon? You're wearing a ring from Brigham Young. Or did your folks just do the lawns? 18: The church has a very progressive attitude toward racial equality. HOUSE: Don't care. Actually I'm thanking god. You're the only non-drinker we've got. We need a control group to establish whether the liver's deterioration is within normal range. Got a big drinker, medium drinker, now I got a no-drinker. 18: Just do an MRI. HOUSE: [Stops what he is doing, half smiles and leans back.] You really think the guy who created heaven and earth cares what you put in your digestive tract? 18: Her dream shouldn't outrank my religious belief. HOUSE: Why not? Her dream might come true. [18 starts to leave.] All life is sacred right? 18: [Stops and turns back.] We're not saving her life, we're doing a diagnostic test. Not even a real diagnostic test. HOUSE: Well that fake test, might really save her life. Would you pull an ass out of a pit on the Sabbath? [Gets up and walks over to him.] Would you or would you not pull an ass out of a pit on the Sabbath? [They stare at each other.] 18: Fine. I'll do it. HOUSE: Good. [Goes back to his seat. 18 leaves.] [Cut to 18, 13 and House in Greta's room, all 4 of them do a sht of tequila.] GRETA: Why'd you have to pick tequila? I'm assume a single malt would have worked just as well. 13: Wasn't our choice. HOUSE: Ok. [Pushes a stop watch.] 2 minutes and we go round number 5. [Pours 4 more shts.] So tell me about the magic underwear. 18: [Laughs.] Is that why you're here. HOUSE: I'm the big drinker, doing my part for science. The interesting question is why your religious beliefs are suddenly less important than her dreams. 18: You're reversing your argument? HOUSE: I know what I believe. I'm just not quite sure what you believe. 18: Well LDS doesn't try to dictate every detail of our lives. When a situation isn't clear, we're encouraged to make our own decisions. HOUSE: But your judgement was to say no. You used my judgement. 18: You made a good argument. HOUSE: Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise there would be no religious people. 18: You're an atheist. HOUSE: Only on Christmas and Easter. The rest of the time, it doesn't really matter. 18: [Laughs.] Where's the fun in that? A finite, un-mysterious universe... HOUSE: It's not about fun! It's about the truth. 18: The truth is, we're having this debate because you want to figure something out about me. [House sees Foreman walking past in slow motion.] What do you got so far? [House leaves to try to catch Foreman. Greta struggles to breathe.] 13: Greta. Greta! 18: She can't breathe. We need to intubate. GRETA: [Shakes her head.] No. 18: At least oxygen. GRETA: NASA, will need to know why. [Cut to House going after Foreman. Foreman disappears around the corner and House runs into Cuddy instead.] CUDDY: I checked the tests you ordered. HOUSE: Did you just see Foreman? CUDDY: You measured the density of her teeth. HOUSE: [Still trying to look passed Cuddy.] It's a shortcut test for hypercalcaemia. You had to have just passed him. CUDDY: So you suspected hypercalcaemia from her complete lack of broken bones. Is that why you also ran three tox screens? HOUSE: [Still distracted.] Patient might've been sneaking uppers. He was in a white coat, did you hire him back? CUDDY: Foreman is running the diagnostic department at New York Mercy. [House looks surprised and confused, Cuddy leans in and sniffs.] Have you been drinking? [House walks back to Greta's, now empty, room. He sees the oxygen mask on the floor and realises where they have gone.] [Cut to House entering the Stress test Room, he sees Greta sitting on the end of a treadmill using an oxygen mask to help her breathe.] 18: She was having trouble breathing. Refused oxygen and intubation. HOUSE: So you put her on a treadmill. 13: Records will show that we gave her oxygen as a part of a routine cardio stress test. She gets to breathe, your boss gets her paperwork. HOUSE: Whose idea was that? 13: It was a joint decision. HOUSE: It never is. So how old were you when your brother left home? 13: Why do you think that I... HOUSE: Why aren't you answering? Did your mother initiate the divorce? [Takes the stethoscope off 13] 13: We should probably focus on what's wrong with her lungs. HOUSE: Are you a Wiccan? 18: She really can't breathe. HOUSE: [Sits down in front of Greta.] Ok, hold still. [While using the stethoscope to listen to her lungs he starts gently tapping her chest.] 18: What are you doing? HOUSE: Auscultatory percussion. If you have a good ear, you can... [Listens.] [To 13.] You didn't have a lot of friends because you chose... 13: You can hear while you're talking? HOUSE: [Listens again.] You can detect not only structural details, but small, deep masses. [Flicks Greta's chest a few times then takes off the stethoscope.] Game's over. You either have lung cancer or Tuberous Sclerosis. We need to cut you open and biopsy... [Greta starts shaking her head.] GRETA: [Still struggling to breathe.] That'll... Leave a scar... NASA doctors will see, they'll, they'll know. HOUSE: I never opened for Springsteen or slept with Barbara Feldon. You can live for years without dreams. Without lungs... GRETA: Find a way. HOUSE: Ok. As long you keep saying it strongly, you won't die. [Goes to get up, Greta stops him.] GRETA: Find... A way. [Cut to House and The Numbers back in the lecture theatre.] HOUSE: How do we force a patient into surgery? Texas bag scam? Saratoga wire? Paris exposition trip? 18: The problem's not the surgery, it's the scars. And we have a plastic surgeon here who can hide them. 39: Not that well. NASA's going to check every cranny. 6/9: I say we just put ether in her oxygen and do what we have to do. 2: She'll sue. 24: For what? Making it harder for her to lie to the government? 39: Uh, we don't need to hide them. We give her elective cosmetic surgery. The incisions will give us access to her lungs and she's got an innocent explanation for the scars. 2: You mean like liposuction? 39: No, no. Those incisions are too far from the lungs. We don't subtract, we add. [Looks at House.] Turn her B's into C's. HOUSE: [Smiles.] It's a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude, she'll be fine. Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind. [Cut to 39 explaining what they are planning to Greta.] GRETA: I fought for years to be taken seriously. 39: Trust me, you'll be taken more seriously. Just sign the form. [Holds the consent form up.] GRETA: This'll make me a joke, there's got to be another way. 39: I've known a few people who had dreams. One thing they all had in common was, they got laughed at, and they didn't care. [Greta signs the form.] [Cut to Cuddy walking up to House who is scrubbing in.] CUDDY: You bumped a splenectomy for a boob job? HOUSE: Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her? CUDDY: You don't explain this, I'll cancel the surgery. HOUSE: Can I explain why you're here? CUDDY: Think I just told you why I... HOUSE: I scheduled a diagnostic patient for a boob job, which is ridiculous. So obviously you had to confront me. CUDDY: With you so far. HOUSE: But I'm going to give you a reason. CUDDY: Not a good one. HOUSE: No. Not even close to a good one. But here's the drag from your point of view. My explanation will make sense. Not to the board, not to a judge, but to you. So you'll let me do it. Then you're going to have to sit next to me at the administrative hearing. Don't you have better things to do? [Cuddy thinks for a minute then starts to leave but hesitates and turns back.] It's in the best interests of the patient. [Cuddy leaves.] [Cut to House and three of The Numbers in the OR, 39 opens Greta up.] 39: Trocar's in. You're good to go. [39 steps back and House steps forward to look at the lungs.] HOUSE: [Sticks something into Greta.] Deflate the lung. 2: There, a cyst. 39: Cysts, I count three of them. [We see the lung on the screen it has three big lumps.] HOUSE: Probably the same if not more on the left lung. Ok, so what's been working overtime to kll Miss Bin Laden? 2: We know her name now. HOUSE: Yeah, but I forgot it. Say the magic word and get immunity from the next challenge. 13: Alveolar Hydadtid Disease. Hits all the organs. HOUSE: She would've had multiple seizures by now. 39: Pulmonary Langerhans. HOUSE: Wouldn't explain the red blood cells. C'mon. Cysts, synaesthesia, heart attck. You guys have gotten... CHASE: Von Hippel-Lindau syndrome. [House looks for where that voice came from and sees Chase in the observation room.] Raises red blood cell count, causes masses on the organs. One of the masses is a pheochromocytoma. It'd cause neurologic episodes and a heart attck. HOUSE: [Leans over to 39 and says quietly.] Do you see a blond guy who still has peach fuzz standing up there? [39 nods.] [To Chase.] This is a closed procedure, gallery's off limits. CHASE: Not to the surgical staff. 39: You going to hire that guy instead of us. [House looks at Chase who slowly shakes his head.] HOUSE: Not a chance. I love you guys. Dig out the cysts, histology to confirm Von Hippel-Lindau. Don't forget her chesticles. [Looks back up but Chase has gone.] [Cut to Wilson at the nurses’ station, he turns to leave with his head down still reading a chart when suddenly a cane comes flying in front of him and hits the wall. Wilson jumps but then realises its House and they start to walk down the corridor.] HOUSE: Calling Arizona, that was a very nice touch. WILSON: You do have residual... HOUSE: Not only do I not have residual feelings, I didn't even have primary feelings. WILSON: You freaked... HOUSE: You lied! WILSON: Because you knew it meant... HOUSE: It meant nothing! I saw him because he was there. [Wilson gives up.] Did Cameron follow her beshert to the surgery department? WILSON: I think Chase followed her. She's been a senior attending in E.R. the last three weeks. A blonde senior attending, to be accurate. HOUSE: Foreman. Is he back in neurology? WILSON: He's at New York Mercy, he's been there a month. [House looks surprised.] Did you SEE Foreman? HOUSE: No. [Leaves.] [Cut to 6/9 and 24 in Greta's room.] GRETA: So, I'm cured. 6/9: You're fine for now, but Von Hippel-Lindau is a genetic disease. There's no cure. 24: Greta, you need to come clean to NASA. GRETA: You said you got all the cysts. 24: They could re-emerge. GRETA: I'll go to radiology clinics. I'll get regular screenings. 24: If something happened while you're up there, you'd be playing Russian Roulette with... [House enters.] HOUSE: Relax. She doesn't have to tell and neither do you. Turns out that NASA doctors even know where the hyphen in Von Hippel-Lindau goes. GRETA: You called them? HOUSE: I'm not an idiot. Those shuttles fly over New Jersey. [House leaves, Greta starts to cry.] [Cut to Aerial of PPTH, night. Then to House sitting in front of The Numbers in the lecture theatre.] HOUSE: So here we are. The big moment. Which of you gets to live to be abused another day. And which of you goes home and rationalises being fired as character building? [Pops a pill.] Following numbers, thanks for playing. 21, 19, 8, 34, 17, 29, 5, 36, 2... Rest of you, 8:00 A.M. Sharp. I'll be in sometime between 10:00 and 3:00. [Everyone starts to leave.] But 26, stick around awhile. [2 walks over to House.] 2: I did nothing wrong. HOUSE: Lots of people did nothing wrong. 2: Other people screwed up. I never even... HOUSE: Other people took chances. 26 [Waves him over. 2 leaves.] [Cut to House and 26 walking out of the lecture theatre.] 26: Buddy Ebsen actually was allergic to... HOUSE: Yeah, I know. How old are you? 26: 21. HOUSE: You don't think it's relevant? 26: I'll likely have less time to use the skills you teach us, but I don't think that's significant to you. HOUSE: How about the fact that you never went to medical school? Which is why you let the unlucky number do the Trans echo. At least you're ethically unethical. 26: Thirty years I worked in the Columbia med school admissions office. Audited all the classes. Most of them more than once. I just never got a diploma. HOUSE: You had to know I'd find out sooner or later. 26: I know you break rules. I thought maybe you'd break one for me. HOUSE: I can't hire you as a doctor. But you can still tell me what you think. You can also fetch me coffee, pick up my dry-cleaning, until I can decide whether or not to keep you. 26: So I'm playing this whole game to be like... Your secretary? HOUSE: Assistant sounds marginally less demeaning. 26: It's not my dream job. HOUSE: Actually it is. It's just not your dream title. [House leaves.] [Cut to aerial of PPTH, still night. Fades to House standing outside the ER watching Cameron, she seems him and walks over.] CAMERON: [Holds up 3 fingers.] Three weeks. For someone who never misses something small, you missed something big. HOUSE: You're an idiot. CAMERON: The hair, where I'm working, or both? HOUSE: The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it. Pulling pieces of windshield out of car accident victims and reattaching fingertips sliced off cutting bagels. At least Chase's move is only one step down. CAMERON: I can do good here. Get it out of my system. Why'd you rat your patient out to NASA? HOUSE: I don't know who's been gossiping about ethics instead of sex, but I hope they've already been fired. Which number was it? CAMERON: Greta. HOUSE: Number! CAMERON: No number. The patient. How do you think she got your pager number? She came into the E.R. didn't want to talk... HOUSE: I didn't rat her out. CAMERON: You, lied? HOUSE: Suppose I should tell her that before she keys my car. CAMERON: Why lie? HOUSE: Had to stop some leaky faucets. CAMERON: What did it matter? HOUSE: It was no one's business. CAMERON: Right. HOUSE: She's going to be the safest astronaut up there. Certainly more vigilant than the guy next to her who's got no clue about the aneurysm in his head ready to pop. CAMERON: Right. [Smiles and starts to walk away.] HOUSE: You got a better reason? CAMERON: You couldn't kll her dream. [Leaves.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x02 - The Right Stuff"}	foreverdreaming
FADE IN EXT. - PARKING LOT - NIGHT The side ramp of a handicapped van lowers and we see a man in a wheelchair, Thomas Stark, and his service dog, Hoover, preparing to exit. Hoover leads the way, Stark following. Once down in the parking lot, Hoover looks around, as does Stark. STARK: It's… cold. Hoover immediately returns to the van and brings back a lap-rug. He jumps up and hands it to Stark. STARK: Good. Thank you. He scratches Hoover's chest and attaches a leash to the dog's harness. STARK: There's a new girl at the ice-cream store. She doesn't seem too fond of buttoning her top button. Let's go check her out. EXT. - STREET Stark and Hoover go wheeling down the street. At the crosswalk, Hoover jumps up and presses the button. The sign changes to the white 'walking person'. As Stark wheels himself into the middle of the street, he slumps forward, unconscious. Hoover tries to wake Stark by jumping up and barking in his face, to no avail. Meanwhile, behind them, we see the shine of headlights coming towards them. Meanwhile, behind them, we see the shine of headlights coming towards them. The scene is split between the woman driver changing the music, oblivious to the world around her, and Hoover becoming increasingly anxious as the SUV gets nearer. Finally, the woman sees what’s going on, panics, and slides the car to a stop bare inches from the man and dog. Both she and another driver get out and run to him. CREDITS INT. - AUDITORIUM - AFTERNOON The current crop of candidates sit in various poses of casual waiting about the auditorium. COLE: What are we supposed to be doing? It's almost four. KUTNER: Tchah! You got someplace to be? TWIN 15B: We know he likes to manipulate people. He's probably testing us. AMBER: To find out what? How long we can look stupid for? AMBER gets up, looks up the stairs where there is still a House-shaped hole. AMBER: He said he'd be here by three; he's obviously not coming. She takes off her number and starts walking up the stairs. AMBER: I'm going home. COLE: Nobody follow her. She Pied-Piper'ed nine people right out of a job last week. She glares back down at Cole as behind her, HOUSE bangs open the door and walks in, carrying his cane and a stack of files. Amber looks startled, guilty, then put-upon as everyone assumes more formal postures. HOUSE: Would you mind holding my metaphor for a second? House hands his cane to Amber and begins flinging out the files to all present, starting with Henry Dobson. HOUSE: New patient. Thirty-seven-year-old male, suffers from severe ascending muscle weakness. House flings a copy of the file over to Brennan. COLE: (challengingly) Why are you late? HOUSE: To see who'd put up with it. COLE: So, you mean if we'd left, we'd have been fired? House throws a copy of the file almost in Jody's face, who manages to catch it, if awkwardly. He continues down the stairs doling out files as he goes. HOUSE: No, I was going to fre everyone who stuck around. But since everyone stuck around… House flings a file around his back to Kutner as he reaches the bottom of the stairs. Thirteen smiles over her file as he and Amber do an awkward cane-for-file exchange. HOUSE: Twenty-eight percent curvature of the spine has caused reduced lung capacity, and has reduced bone mineral density. House walks over and sits painfully on the desk. THIRTEEN: Patient has Spinal Muscular Atrophy. It's genetic. Incurable. This is not a diagnostic mystery. HOUSE: You have just given state secrets to the enemy. THIRTEEN: (curiously suspicious) What enemy? HOUSE: (brisk) New patient. New rules. House rises from the desk as we see Amber and Dobson each responding to the news, each according to their natures - Amber with suspicion, Dobson with resigned willingness. HOUSE: Today you're going to split yourselves into two teams. House walks to the front of the auditorium and faces the fellows-to-be. Cole looks on, resigned and challenging. HOUSE: The first to figure out what's thrat to deprive the patient of the twenty or so miserable years he's got left with SMA gets to keep their jobs. (bat) Take off your numbers. You look stupid. House walks toward the side door of the auditorium. HOUSE: And I think I know who you are by now. Kutner looks up, a bit alarmed. KUTNER: Wait. How do you want us to split up? House turns back towards the class. HOUSE: Good question, Overly Excited Former Foster Kid. There's ten of you. I was thinking… six against six? No, wait… House puts his finger up to his lips, sarcastically pondering. TWIN 15B: How about Women versus Men? HOUSE: Excellent suggestion, Fat Twin. More interesting than Evens versus Odds, less interesting than Shirts against Skins. House comes to a decision as Amber watches on, pondering. HOUSE: (announcing) If your sex organs dangle, you're the Confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you're the Yanks. House turns to leave again. AMBER: Dr. House? House turns back. AMBER: I'd like to be on the men's team. HOUSE: Do your sex organs dangle, (bat) Cutthroat Bitch? AMBER: Not yet. House looks intrigued by the statement. AMBER: You've never hired more than one female on your team before. Thirteen watches speculatively. AMBER: If you're going to purge an entire gender, it isn't going to be the danglers. HOUSE: Sounds logical. (bat) If you don't think about it for more than three seconds. But I just told you that if the danglers lose, they're out. Amber nods. HOUSE: So, I can only assume you're hiding the real reason. Thirteen looks over at Amber, considering. HOUSE: You don't think the women will be aggressive enough, will be good enough at science. They'll be too emotional. AMBER: (impatient) Can I switch teams? Twin 15-B glares at her, silently mimicking House's 'Cutthroat Bitch' assessment. HOUSE: (shrugging) If the danglers are ok, I'm ok. House turns again. INT. - HALLWAY The fellows-to-be are walking in a clump around the corner on their way to House's office, Amber off to the side, trying to convince them of her position. DOBSON: We're not ok. AMBER: I get it. You don't like me because maybe I'm a little bit… competitive. TAUB: Manipulative. Taub pushes past her. KUTNER: Cutthroat Bitch is your official title. He also pushes past her. AMBER: It's a game. You can either play for fun or play to win. If you want to win, you want cutthroat. COLE: No, thank you. Cole passes her as well and they leave her standing there, starting after them in confusion. INT. - HOUSE:'S OFFICE The ladies are starting their differential, arranged around the front of House's office. Thirteen is pacing just the other side of the glass wall. THIRTEEN: First thing we have to do is get inside his head. JODY: It's not psychological. THIRTEEN: Not talking about the patient. Talking about House. He's insane, but he's not irresponsible. He wouldn't be playing this game if he didn't already know the answer. INT. - HOUSE:'S CONFERENCE ROOM The men are gathered around the conference table, also starting their differential. First thing we do is gng-bang the sucker. There's five of us. We can run dozens of tests. We don't need a theory; we just need brute force. OFFICE TWIN 15B: What about the assist dog? Picks bacteria-infested things up with its bacteria-infested mouth, hands them over to the guy and… JODY: It's not the dog. Wouldn't be fair. TWIN 15A: To who? JODY: Whom. (bat) The men. Twin 15A rolls her eyes. JODY: House knows I used to be a vet. If the dog's the answer, they'd be at a handicap. Twin 15-B considers. CONFERENCE ROOM Cole is standing up, earnestly addressing the table. COLE: What about the dog? Assist dogs put everything in their mouths… Brennan gets up from where he's been sitting on the conference table near the board and writes 'low sodium' on the whiteboard. COLE: …money, doorknobs… BRENNAN: Great. COLE: That's not what I said. Why'd you think of low sodium? BRENNAN: I don't. Kutner gets up and faces the group. KUTNER: Patient took a trip to Thailand two weeks ago. (Whispering) Hey, write bigger and angle the board more so they can see it. Brennan starts writing 'lactose' on the board. COLE: This is wrong. BRENNAN: It's only wrong if they cheat off us, and if they cheat off us, they're wrong. DOBSON: They're not cheating. One of them is moving… We see Dobson taking note of the ladies as Brennan finishes writing the word 'intolerant' on the whiteboard. Kutner turns to see as Thirteen picks up her lab coat and walks out. Kutner stares after her. INT. - ER Man is playing with a very large, long cut on his arm. Cameron walks past, sees him doing so, and takes his hand away from the wound. CAMERON: (in passing) Hey! Stop playing with your sutures or I'll have to redo them. Over against the wall, Amber is holding a specimen cup with a mixture of curiosity and disgust on her face. Cameron walks over to where she's lurking, continuing to attend to the details of her job. AMBER: Why do you guys keep a 'D' cell battery in a urine specimen cup? CAMERON: Because we pulled it from a patient's intestine. AMBER: Why would somebody swallow a battery? CAMERON: (smirking) Why do you assume it was swallowed? (Turns to a passing nurse) Bed 5 needs a bag of Ringer's Lactate. Cameron begins walking away and Amber follows her. AMBER: Would have been worse if he'd used a 9-volt. CAMERON: (smiling larger) Who said it was a 'he'? The two ladies round the corner. INT - HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE ER They keep walking, Cameron taking the lead. AMBER: False assumptions. You're good. You're trying to get me to think like him. CAMERON: And you're trying to kiss my ass. (Stops, whirls, and confronts Amber) Why are you talking to me? AMBER: (earnestly, seriously) Because House is turning patient care into a game. It's dangerous. The patient's going to suffer - maybe die. Cameron considers Amber coldly, recognizing the words for the ploy they are. INT. - CLINIC House enters the clinic room warily. We see a lump that will presently turn into the patient. He comes fully into the room and shuts the door behind him. HOUSE: Wow! You really need a shave. A patient with a neck brace and extensive bruising on his face and a cast on his arm awaits. He studies House as House studies him. HOUSE: You see what I did there. The patient, Mark Almore, gets up off the table, pulls out a switchblade and flicks it open. House's eyes widen and he backs away. HOUSE: Whoa. He backs further away, thinking Almore is coming at him as Almore rushes the wall instead, sticking the knifeblade in the electrical socket. He shakes with the electricity pouring through him as House watches. Almore finally falls to the floor. HOUSE: Interesting. House stares at Almore's unconscious body for a moment, then comes back to himself, opens the door and hollers to the staff outside. HOUSE: Need a crash cart in here! He studies the body for a moment, then prods it with his cane. The crash team comes in with the cart, and he steps back to allow them room to enter. HOUSE: (holding up his hands) I didn't do it. House continues to ponder the situation. INT. - POTW'S ROOM Thirteen stands next to Stark's bed. THIRTEEN: When a person faints, it's because they're not getting enough blood to their brain. The act of falling corrects the problem. You faint again strapped into that power chair where you can't fall, you might not wake up. STARK: klled by an assistive device. At least my death would be ironic. THIRTEEN: I think when you went to Thailand you picked up a threadworm called strongyloides. They usually go up through your feet. STARK: I didn't do a lot of walking on the beach. THIRTEEN: But I assume you did have someone lay you down in the sand. Bare back, bare legs - increases exposure tenfold over bare feet. Thirteen picks up a pill cup and sets it on his bed tray. THIRTEEN: Two pills. You'll be all better. STARK: Can I have some water for those, please? As Thirteen goes over to the water pitcher, Kutner and Brennan come in. We see that Hoover is sitting guard in the guest chair by the hallway glass. THIRTEEN: Hey! Take a number. KUTNER: House didn't say anything about taking turns. What's she testing you for? THIRTEEN: Don't. (Turns back to Stark) They'll spend all day obsessing over my idea instead of coming up with one of their own. Thirteen puts a cup of water on the bed tray. THIRTEEN: But hey, I might be wrong. She sails out of the room. KUTNER: Seriously. I'm worried that if we don't know what she's given you, there could be complications. Brennan quietly begins to examine Stark. STARK: No, you're not. House told me. He's keeping track of all that. Ten doctors. I should be getting ten cures. KUTNER: We need blood, hair, and stool. You poop, and then you use the wooden sticks to collect it and you rub it on the green box. STARK: Why don't you hand it to my dog? Only one of us thinks I can do it on my own, and the last couple of days, I haven't even been doing that. Kutner pulls a hair from Stark's head. STARK: Ow! BRENNAN: Is it ok if we carry you into the bathroom? STARK: If you want me there, that's the way you're going to have to do it. Kutner pushes the bed tray away and Brennan moves the impedimenta from the other side of the bed. Then he gently puts Stark's arm around his neck and lifts him. STARK: Can I get a little head support please? Kutner obliges. STARK: Thank you. They head off to the bathroom, Brennan carrying Stark, and Kutner supporting Stark's head and pushing the IV stand. Hoover supervises from the chair. INT. - CUDDY'S OFFICE House opens the door with a little fling of the hand and enters. Cuddy is working at her desk. She looks up to see who has entered without knocking as he sits with a little grimace of pain. He flomps, clearly settling in for the long haul, looking dejected. Cuddy stares at him inquiringly. House continues to sit there, silently. Finally she has to ask. CUDDY: Why are you here? HOUSE: My offices are being used by my teams. House reaches over and fiddles with the paperclip bowl on Cuddy's desk. CUDDY: Teams? HOUSE: Which means this is the only place you can yell at me. CUDDY: You have team-s? HOUSE: Two of them. I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn't have to listen all that closely. Cuddy smacks his hand like a mother to an errant child and moves the dish away. CUDDY: You can't make a competition out of patient care. HOUSE: (reasonably) Without competition, we'd still be single-celled organisms. (bat) Can I go now? CUDDY: (holds up a finger) Not until after the yelling. (Points the finger at House) What's wrong with him? HOUSE: I have seven of the finest minds on it, along with three very special… CUDDY: You wouldn’t be doing this unless you already knew. HOUSE: Ah. I tell you; you tell them; game's over. CUDDY: If you know, you are OBLIGATED to treat… HOUSE: Well, then, in that case… I don't know. Cuddy sits back in her chair, astounded and exasperated. HOUSE: Why would a guy voluntarily shove a metal object into an electrical socket? CUDDY: (leaning closer) I'm getting closer and closer to knowing the answer. (bat) What would happen if I shut down this game? HOUSE: I'd fre them all, hire forty new fellowship applicants, start the game all over again. House rises from his chair and heads for the door, while Cuddy stares after him, totally flabbergasted. CUDDY: You DO know what's wrong with him, right? House turns back to Cuddy. HOUSE: It'd be pretty irresponsible if I didn't, wouldn't it? With that, House walks out the door, shutting it behind him with a snap. EXT. - NYC - DAY View of Manhattan towards the river. INT. - MERCY CONFERENCE ROOM Foreman peruses the case file as around him, his team puts forward potential diagnoses. Eventually, we come to see they are grouped around a conference table, the whiteboard in the background. FEMALE FELLOW: Antibiotics aren't working. HANDSOME FELLOW: Legionella could explain the lungs, the fever. LATINO FELLOW: If she had legionella, she'd have low sodium. FOREMAN: What can you tell me about HER? FEMALE FELLOW: She likes bodysurfing. HANDSOME FELLOW: Maybe picked up a virus swimming off Johns Beach. FEMALE FELLOW: But she doesn't even have the energy to finish her crossword any more. LATINO FELLOW: Her boyfriend said… FOREMAN: That's it! Foreman abruptly rises and begins to write 'blurry vision' on the whiteboard. HANDSOME FELLOW: What is? FOREMAN: Blurry vision! LATINO FELLOW: How do you get blurry vision from not being…? FOREMAN: (turning to his team) You don't stop a daily ritual that cures boredom because you're bored. She stopped doing her crossword puzzle because she's having a hard time reading it. What causes fever, boggy lungs, and blurry vision? HANDSOME FELLOW: (looks around eagerly as he explains) Fungal. Aspergillus would explain the pneumonia, which explains the fever. FOREMAN: (pleased) Start her on amphotericin. They begin to scatter obediently. FOREMAN: Hey, guys! Great job. They turn to leave again, with varying degrees of happiness and confusion on their faces. Foreman looks after them, the proud father looking after his own children, breathing a huge sigh when they've gone. INT. - PPTH CAFETERIA House flicks open the Knfe that his clinic patient had used to electrocute himself. HOUSE: (musing) If you're going to try to take yourself out, (closes the Knfe) why choose electricity? You'd eat a bllet (flick) or jump off a building… WILSON: (obviously uncomfortable) I love the 'team' thing, by the way. HOUSE: (refusing to be distracted) …bury yourself alive in Cuddy's cleavage. He flicks open the Knfe again to punctuate his statement. WILSON: Teamwork. Collaboration. All for the greater good… House closes the Knfe again. HOUSE: It could have been a suicidal gesture, as opposed to an actual attempt. WILSON: Interestingly, the rain in Spain doesn't actually fall in the plain all that much. HOUSE: Who puts their internal organs on a skillet just to get attention? WILSON: (frustrated) Go ask him. Wilson gets up from the cafeteria table and leaves, having finally realized that House hasn't been paying attention and isn’t likely to start any time soon. HOUSE: (to the empty air) Well, that would be cheating. Flick. INT. - PPTH LAB Amber comes into the lab to see the men busily working on various tests. AMBER: (briskly) Got a diagnosis yet? TAUB: (shortly) Get out of here. AMBER: (sarcastically) Got a stool sample yet? COLE: How could you know? AMBER: Oh, I talked to a nurse. Pretty brilliant, hunh? (bat) I give you a move House will love, straight from one of his former fellows, and you let me join your team. KUTNER: (pulling something out of a machine) You're too late. We already have our diagnosis. COLE: (looking up from his microscope) He's lying because he wants you to go away. (bat) So do I. BRENNAN: How do we know you're not a double agent? Find out what we're thinking, then go back to the women? AMBER: Because I don't care what you're thinking. You want to know why I want to be on your team? Because you're idiots. If I can get the women out of the competition, I'm in. (bat) And so are two of you. Taub nods agreement and turns away from her, back to his computer, silently taking a vote. Dobson is noncommittal, Cole nods, Kutner nods, Brennan is also noncommittal. Taub turns back to Amber. TAUB: So. What's the big move? INT. - POTW'S ROOM A gloved hand holds a bottle in which some kind of insect is flying about. AMBER: It's called xenodiagnosis. Stark takes a sip of something white from a cup. AMBER: We let these bugs bite you, and then we test their feces for parasites. We see Stark lying back on the bed, looking weak. Taub is standing at the foot of the bed, while Amber holds the glass jar of insects. STARK: Why can't you test my feces? TAUB: Because you've been chugging Milk of Magnesia for the past hour. You got a lot going in and nothing coming out. Stark begins to choke and cough, turning his face away. Amber continues to hold the bugs against Stark's arm. AMBER: Testing the bugs' feces is actually more accurate than testing yours. Smaller haystack, easier to find the needle. Hoover begins to bark as Stark's choking gets worse. TAUB: Get the bugs off. (Louder) Get the bugs OFF him! AMBER: The test isn't done. TAUB: He's choking. Taub shoves Amber out of the way and siphons stuff out of his mouth as Hoover barks concern. Taub looks up at Amber. INT. - AUDITORIUM View of Stark having his back percussed, while Hoover sits on guard in the chair, which has now been moved to the foot of the bed. HOUSE: Patchy infiltrates on the x-ray. Patient improved with chest PT and oxygen, consistent with aspiration. View of the auditorium, with House pacing back and forth in front of the candidates, to-go coffee cup in hand. HOUSE: So now we have another symptom to explain - why does his throat think his lungs are his stomach? The candidates stare blankly back at him. HOUSE: And why are your throats closing up? AMBER: Shouldn't we be in separate rooms? HOUSE: If you think I'm going to run two differentials at this time of the morning… Grumpy, you're first. BRENNAN: I'm not grumpy. HOUSE: Why would I call you that if you weren't? House goes over to the chair and sits, putting his feet up on the desk as Brennan is talking. BRENNAN: It's an unusual combination. Unusual equals exotic, equals foreign. Has to be connected to his trip to Thailand. HOUSE: You practice medicine overseas? BRENNAN: I was with Doctors without Borders for eight years. HOUSE: (expansively) Ta-da! BRENNAN: It's in my file. HOUSE: David Blaine hides the six of hearts in a beer bottle, it's still impressive. Brennan smiles a little at that. HOUSE: (challenging) You like exotic. Why are you here? BRENNAN: I want this job. HOUSE: Parents sick? Thirteen looks on, considering. BRENNAN: No. I… I just… HOUSE: (interrupts) This is not the job you want. This is the job in the ZIP code you want. You engaged? BRENNAN: Yes. HOUSE: (expansively, but softer) Ta-da! This time, it's Kutner's turn to smile. BRENNAN: Am I not allowed to grow up and change my priorities? HOUSE: You're allowed to. People usually don't. House takes a sip from his coffee as Thirteen speaks up, not looking up from her file. THIRTEEN: This is not a new symptom. Our patient has Spinal Muscular Atrophy. He has documented trouble swallowing. The choking is not new. HOUSE: So if it's nothing new, what caused the old? House gets up and comes to stand on the ground floor in front of her. THIRTEEN: Strongyloides worms explain the fainting. We already treated… HOUSE: (abruptly) So, he's all better, Woman Who… (Shrugs) Thirteen. THIRTEEN: Hasn't gotten any worse. HOUSE: (searching) That's a pretty passive approach for the daughter of an alcoholic. THIRTEEN: Wrong again. TWIN 15A: We could stress his system. Put him on a tilt table. If he stays conscious, it means we made the right diagnosis and we win. HOUSE: Then why haven't you? The women rise and bail. HOUSE: Six against four. One of the men is going to have to join the women's team. The men all raise their hands. HOUSE: On the other hand, one of the men isn't an actual doctor, so… I guess it's pretty fair. Kutner looks around, appalled. HOUSE: Men, you're in the penalty box. TAUB: Who's not the doctor? HOUSE: Glad you asked about that. Taub looks resigned as he realizes House has no intention of answering him. HOUSE: Reason I'm penalizing you is time management. The fellows look at each other as House delivers the lecture. HOUSE: In Diagnostics, you're always working against the clock. The women came up with a theory and they treated the patient. You just sat around in a lab, hoping a series of blind test would GIVE you a theory. You wasted the patient's time. (Takes another sip of coffee) Now I'm going to waste yours. House takes a huge sip of coffee to punctuate his statement. INT. - MERCY CONFERENCE ROOM Foreman's team comes back into the room. HANDSOME FELLOW: Her gums are starting to turn yellow. LATINO FELLOW: Whatever it is, it's in her liver now. FEMALE FELLOW: Fungal fit perfectly. FOREMAN: We were wrong. Foreman gets up and moves to the whiteboard. FOREMAN: And we're going to keep being wrong until we're right. LATINO FELLOW: Or until she dies. FOREMAN: Yeah, that was very helpful. (Grumbles as he writes) Need a team to tell me we're mortals. (Turns back to his team) I'm sorry. You're right. Doesn't hurt to be reminded that we're dealing with the real stakes here. (Looks at the board) Liver failure's a bad thing, but it's also a clue. (Gently questioning) What does it tell us? INT. - CLINIC POTW'S ROOM Flick. House is still playing with the Knfe, this time as he leans on the footboard of the bed, watching the patient. Flick. This achieves the desired effect of waking Almore. HOUSE: Can't let you leave if they think you're still… suicidal. ALMORE: I wasn't trying to off myself. HOUSE: (quietly sarcastic) No, that's right. You were just trying to kll the wall. (Pause) I check this box, and your next roommates are gonna be Jesus and Crazy McLoonyBin. That guy never had a chance. ALMORE: It's gonna sound stupid. HOUSE: Suddenly you're shy? (Moves to Almore's side) You pooped your pants in front of me. (bat) It's one of the nasty side effects of dying. Almore sighs, considers, sighs again, then answers. ALMORE: Last Saturday, I got into a car crash. A drunk driver came over the line, ht me head-on. (Pause) It was like slow motion. I saw these… headlights… and… I saw… Paramedics… said I was technically dad for 97 seconds. (Pause) It was the best 97 seconds of my life. House stares at Almore, considering. Almore stares back, trying to get House to understand. Finally, House breaks the moment. HOUSE: (taking a deep breath) Ok. Here's what happened. Your oxygen-deprived brain was shutting down. A flood of endorphins and serotonin was released. That's what gave you the visions. ALMORE: No. Believe me, it wasn't chemicals. I've done every hallucinogenic there is. This was way bigger than that. (Reverently) There's something out there. (Pause) Something more. House starts to walk away. ALMORE: Hey, can I have my Knfe back? HOUSE: (flip) Nope. House keeps going. INT. - HOUSE'S OFFICE The men's team is sitting around House's office, playing with various of the toys. Taub's commandeered the chair, Cole is sitting on the floor, the others have arrayed themselves between the two extremes, except for Amber, who is perusing the bookcase by the door. TAUB: Who the hell isn't a doctor? COLE: House said we can't talk. TAUB: He meant we can't talk about the case. DOBSON: House is just jerking us around. That's what he does. TAUB: You're not curious? There's only one reason you wouldn't be curious. Amber comes to stand in the middle, commanding their attention. AMBER: (impatiently) We should talk about the case. (bat) We're being punished for wasting time, maybe we shouldn't be wasting this time. BRENNAN: Close that door. You're going to get us all fired. AMBER: We need to find a link between fainting and trouble swallowing. TAUB: We need to know if it's dysphasia or full-blown achalasia. DOBSON: Paraganglioma. TAUB: How would a neoplastic growth in his abdomen… DOBSON: Not his abdomen. In his neck. A carotid body tumor causes trouble swallowing. Food presses against the vagus nerve, and causes the fainting. Amber nods, seeing the sense of what he's saying. COLE: So, if this guy has CANCER, we get to keep our jobs? And if he's healthy, we're fired. AMBER: We need the CT to prove it. BRENNAN: And we need the women not to figure it out while we're sitting here. KUTNER: And does House's computer have a built-in microphone? Kutner makes a gesture and everyone looks to see the web-camera sitting on top of House's monitor. There are various guilty expressions from those assembled. Amber thinks for a moment, then fades back to the wall and begins to slide down it. When she gets to the floor, she crawls under the desk and to the door to the balcony, to the accompaniment of curious and confused looks from her fellow fellowship candidates. Once there, she eases open the door and makes her escape. INT. - WILSON'S OFFICE Wilson is in conference with a patient. WILSON: There is a potential toxicity with the experimental treatment… He pauses in astounded curiosity as Amber stands up and comes in the door. AMBER: I was never here. Wilson just looks at her as she walks past him and out the door, with twin expressions of 'oh, no, not again!' and 'what just happened here?' on his face. INT. - TILT LAB Jody, Thirteen, and the twins are at the monitoring desk of the tilt lab. Stark is on the table. JODY: Blood pressure is sab through 60 degrees. THIRTEEN: No pauses on his EKG, no nausea. The treatment worked. As the twins smile the success, Amber comes into the room and makes for the table controls. AMBER: I need our patient. THIRTEEN: Syncope's cured, Amber. It's over. AMBER: You obviously haven't stressed his system enough. JODY: You crank that thing high enough, anyone will pass out. STARK: (laughing) This is incredible! This is the most I've moved in twenty years! Amber looks on, outmanoeuvred, as Stark continues to laugh his way through the test. INT. - HALLWAY Thirteen and House walk down the hallway as she gives her report. THIRTEEN: The Tilt table test showed that the patient's EKG, BP, and pulse were made normal, despite considerable… HOUSE: Who are you, Thirteen? THIRTEEN: My name's in the file. HOUSE: The fact that you won't answer my questions tells me more about you than answers could. THIRTEEN: No, it doesn't. We turned the thing up to 95 degrees… House swipes a towel off a passing laundry cart. HOUSE: Do you think that non-answers tell me anything? THIRTEEN: Sure. Just not as much as actual answers. That's why they are called answers. HOUSE: Tell me you're hiding something. THIRTEEN: Tells you I'm hiding everything. HOUSE: Tells me you've got something worth hiding. Some Turkish prison, gay prn… ya klled a man just because he was asking too many questions. THIRTEEN: Can I finish reporting on the patient? HOUSE: No need. See you in an hour or so. Got to… set some stuff up. INT. - AUDITORIUM The auditorium is set up a la Survivor. Gas jets fre blue flame into the air. House presides in odd solemnity, dressed in t-shirt and dew rag and carrying a walking stick. The skeleton in the corner is the proud temporary recipient of his suit jacket. HOUSE: Thank you all for coming… to Tribal Council. (To Cole) Man of your integrity, I feel I can trust… Big Love. And I don't call you that because you are a Mormon. (Winks broadly as Cole grimaces) So, where's your team's sixth man? COLE: She went rogue. Broke the rules. HOUSE: You also sinned. You have no right to cast the first stone. COLE: And atheists have no right to quote Scripture. HOUSE: The rules said 'no talking'. COLE: I told her not to talk. HOUSE: Out loud. TAUB: We were trying to save a man's life. HOUSE: Key word being 'trying'. Tilt table test confirmed that you guys were wrong. You're fired. While the celebration and the sighing are going on from the women and men respectively, House looks up at the sound of a door opening HOUSE: Ah, the Prodigal Son returneth. You're also fired. Amber ignores him and comes down the stairs, bearing a CT film along with the file. AMBER: We thought there was a tumor on the patient's esophagus. We were right about the area, wrong about the diagnosis. (Trades House film for stick) Turns out the esophagus is just straightening. It's scleroderma. It explains the syncope and the choking. He needs steroids. THIRTEEN: You did a CT scan? AMBER: Obviously. THIRTEEN: After you were already proven wrong? HOUSE: Good for you. It's too bad you're wrong. Straightening indicates weakening, not hardening. SMA explains the weakening. (Takes back his stick, give Amber back the film) Strongyloides infection explains everything else. (Indicates the rest of the women) You ladies have the honor to give the patient a feeding tube, discharge him, and show up for work tomorrow. The rest of you… you're a disappointment. You make me want to stop dangling. Everyone scatters, except for Amber, who stands there in shocked denial, and Dobson, who comes over to House. DOBSON: It was the best two weeks of my life. HOUSE: I think I will miss you most of all, Ridiculously Old Fraud. They stare at each other for a moment, then Dobson smiles, nods, and turns away, while House swipes off his dew rag and runs his fingers through his hair, shaking off the incident. INT. - SCRUB ROOM Amber is talking to Chase, who is at the scrub sink, performing the appropriate ablutions. AMBER: Do you think House could be wrong? CHASE: I thought he fired you. AMBER: No, he fired the men. Chase looks at her long and hard before looking at the CT film. CHASE: Don't think he's wrong. AMBER: If he is, how would I prove it? CHASE: Just said I don't think he is. AMBER: Well, thinking isn't good enough. CHASE: You'd have to run a blood test for anti-sentriamia(?) antibodies. AMBER: Would you mind running the labs? CHASE: You can't. AMBER: Well, I can, but… CHASE: (faces her) No, I was making a statement. You've been fired, so you no longer have lab privileges. You weren't coming here for advice, you coming here to con a favor to save your job. Sorry. I'm not working for him any more, but he can still make my life miserable. Chase begins to walk away. AMBER: You have a chance to make his life miserable. Chase stops, turns around. CHASE: I'm insulted. You conned Cameron by appealing to her humanity. AMBER: I told her what she wanted to hear. CHASE: And you told me what you thought I wanted to hear. AMBER: If it's any consolation, I think your motives are more interesting. CHASE: I cannot believe he fired you. Go draw his blood. Meet you in the lab when I'm done here. Chase walks out, leaving Amber to smile and nod to herself before bailing. INT. - POTW'S ROOM Amber rounds the corner and comes into Stark's room. She immediately goes to his bedside and puts on gloves. STARK: Guess you didn't find your tumor? AMBER: The other doctors tell you that you were fine? STARK: Yeah. In the sense that it's just my disease getting worse. (Pause) You come to terms with this disease. You know it's there. You know it's waiting. And every now and again, it takes something away. He looks up at Amber as she pulls the tourniquet around his arm. STARK: Took my walking. Took my modesty. Now it's taking one of my last pleasures. AMBER: There's an outside sht that something OTHER than the SMA is causing your eating problems. And if it is, we can fix it. Remove that tube. She draws the blood. To quote another show "It's green." STARK: That my blood? It's green. What does that mean? Amber pulls the tube, holds it up, looks at it. AMBER: (triumphant) It means I'm not fired. INT. - AUDITORIUM House is pacing in front of the chalkboard. HOUSE: Is he a Vulcan? If no, what makes Nimoy bleed green? KUTNER: Are we officially unfired? TWIN 15B: How do we know she didn't fake the green blood? HOUSE: Because that would be stupid. And while she may be manipulative, borderline evil, shallow… AMBER: They get it. I'm not stupid. TAUB: What contrast did you use for the CT? AMBER: ICM. TAUB: His kidneys aren't working. They didn't filter the contrast, which in ICM, is green. HOUSE: Ten points. (Puts his cane on the desk and goes to the board) 'k… let's add kidney failure to our list of symptoms. KUTNER: What are these points? Is that how you're deciding who to fre? HOUSE: (irritated, turns to Kutner) I'm going to fre the next person who asks me who I'm going to fre. KUTNER: Now we're on the points system? What happened to Men against Women? HOUSE: Forget the game. KUTNER: What do you mean forget the game? HOUSE: (losing patience) I mean, forget the damn game! Guy's kidneys are failing. We need to diagnose exactly... DOBSON: I thought we were diagnosing. HOUSE: YOU were diagnosing. Now I am too. (bat) I thought that Thirteen was right about the strongyloides. (Picks up his cane) I was obviously wrong. (The moment of self-recrimination over, House continues in his 'differential' voice) Ok, kidney failure, aspiration, fainting… go! THIRTEEN: Kidney failure could be the result of a grand-negative bacteria. Our patient wears a catheter full-time. It virtually guarantees bacterial infection. TWIN 15B: Which could have migrated up to his kidneys. TWIN 15A: Infection stresses his already weakened system, makes his SMA worse, that explains the choking and fainting. HOUSE: Put him on IV Ampaget(?). AMBER: Our team's scleroderma diagnosis still holds. The test could have been negative because the blood was contaminated with contrast. HOUSE: Do a skin biopsy. Get a side of lymph node to confirm. The fellows-to-be scatter as House looks at the board and thinks. INT. - PPTH LOBBY Chase and Cameron are walking towards the main doors when House emerges from the elevator and strides angrily towards them. HOUSE: I could have you fired! CHASE: (confused) You've already had me fired. HOUSE: Which proves that I can. CHASE: (turns to face House) Were the men wrong? HOUSE: No. That doesn't change the fact… CHASE: Why are you yelling at me? HOUSE: Because performing tests for someone who is not a doctor in this hospital… CHASE: You're frustrated. If you want help, I'm here. If you just need to vent… leave a message. CAMERON: I like him better this way. (Channelling smug) You? House glares after her as she waves and swishes away. Thirteen and Brennan come up behind him. Houses turns to meet them. THIRTEEN: Patient developed pneumonia. His lungs are filling fast. We started him on antibiotics. Nothing. We were wrong. HOUSE: (to Brennan) And you're here to say? BRENNAN: We were wrong too. He doesn't have scleroderma. Biopsy revealed no fibrotic changes. HOUSE: Cervical lymph node has black flecks. BRENNAN: Small areas of necrosis. It's nothing. HOUSE: You say nothing? I say cancer. House walks off towards the elevators. INT. - SCHAFFER'S OFFICE Schaffer and Foreman are facing off around the corner of her desk. SCHAFFER: It's a bit of a stretch to jump right to cancer. FOREMAN: I'm not jumping. Broad specs haven't worked, so it's not bacterial. Failing liver despite treatment suggests it's not fungal. And her high lactic acidosis points towards anaplastic large cell lymphoma. SCHAFFER: Also suggests infection. Which is a lot easier and safer to treat. (She goes behind her desk and sits down) FOREMAN: Large cell lymphoma's incredibly aggressive. She'll be dad in a week if we follow the textbooks. SCHAFFER: Unless it's infection, in which case you radiate her and she'll be dad in a day. And I know you've had some experience with that. (Pause) I've seen doctors do this before. Go back to the scene of the crime - if you're right this time, you purge yourself of past ghosts. FOREMAN: I know it's contrary to protocol. But I think it's more like… SCHAFFER: Ghosts are there for a reason. So you don't make the same mistake twice. Switch her over to third-generation cephalosporin. Foreman looks at her, then walks away. INT. - HALLWAY House emerges from the elevator to find Cuddy blocking his way. CUDDY: You want to remove his EYE? HOUSE: (suspiciously) Who told you? CUDDY: You booked the OR. HOUSE: (nods) Good. House moves around her and walks off. She scrambles around to block his path again. CUDDY: You can't bat me in a foot race. HOUSE: Thought we were dancing. He tries to move off again. At Cuddy's exasperated look, not to mention her moving to block his path again, House relents and explains. HOUSE: Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. A very small one. Just one truck comes in and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled. The home… CUDDY: The home is the right eye. I get it. Do a biopsy. HOUSE: On my way. He walks off. Cuddy trails frantically after him. CUDDY: You're not DOING a biopsy. You ordered an orbital exenteration. She finally stops him in front of Wilson's office door. HOUSE: Right. Because I don't want to remove a little tiny piece, sit in a lab, and confirm what I already know, while my patient drowns in his own fluid. (bat) But if you want me to, I absolutely will. CUDDY: How advanced is the pneumonia? HOUSE: It's taking college courses. (Yelling) Hey, Wilson! I'm going to cut some cripple's eye out! Want to come watch? Cuddy considers him intently. At the bellow, Wilson emerges from his office behind Cuddy. WILSON: Good times. HOUSE: We good to go? At this confirmation of the course of action from her favorite House-herder, Cuddy looks at House long and hard, then gives up. House and Wilson both follow her with their eyes, admiring her ass as it swishes down the hall away from them. INT. - POTW'S ROOM Stark is laying back on the bed, looking worse. Wilson is standing by the bed, telling Stark the bad news. STARK: I thought melanoma was skin cancer. WILSON: Technically, it's cancer of the pigment cells, the same cells that give your iris its color. STARK: Cancer. Why not? What else can God throw at me? House is in the back of the room, lounging on the cabinets. HOUSE: Hail. Locusts. Smiting of the firstborn. Course, it all depends on how evil you've been. WILSON: House. STARK: If it's cancer, it's spread everywhere, right? It's what's in my lungs, my kidneys? WILSON: There is a chance, by removing the eye, get the primary tumor, and three courses of radiation, that could… STARK: Could? What? Few months? Years? WILSON: More likely months. STARK: (to House) Any of your other doctors have any cheerier diagnoses? House walks up to the foot of the bed. HOUSE: If they do, they're wrong. This is the answer. It's the only way to help you. STARK: I already can't walk. I can't eat. You're telling me that the rest of my life… is in this bed… puking and in pain? WILSON: We can manage the pain. STARK: I'd rather just get this over with. I've been trapped… in this useless body long enough. It'd be nice to finally get out. House is tempted by the words. Tempted at the thought of release, but knowing that, for him, there's nothing else. HOUSE: Get out and go where? You think you're gonna sprout wings and start flying around with the other angels? Don't be an idiot. There is no 'after', there's just 'this'. WILSON: House! Stark looks stunned. House accepts the chiding, looks apologetic (for him), walks out. INT. - ICU House angrily throws the file on the desk of the nurse's station and stalks off, moving fast. Wilson follows. WILSON: (exasperated and angry) You can't let a dying man take solace in his beliefs. HOUSE: His beliefs are stupid. INT. - HALLWAY The argument continues around the corner and into the hallway. WILSON: Everybody lies. Some for good reasons, some for bad. This would have been a fantastic reason to lie! HOUSE: (holds out his hand, exasperated) Hi! Greg House. WILSON: Why can't you just let him have his fairy tale? If it give him comfort to imagine (stops and turns to House) beaches and loved ones and life outside a wheelchair… HOUSE: (sarcastically) Are there 72 virgins too? WILSON: It's over. He's got days, maybe hours left. What pain does it cause you if he spends that time with a peaceful smile? What sick pleasure do you get in making damn sure he's filled with fear and dread? HOUSE: He shouldn't be making a decision based on a lie. Misery is better than nothing. WILSON: You don't KNOW there's nothing. You haven't been there. HOUSE: Oh, God, I am TIRED of that argument! I don't have to go to Detroit to know that it smells. WILSON: Yes. Detroit. The Afterlife. Same thing. Aggravated and disgusted, Wilson gives up and stalks off. House stares off into space after him. SERIES OF shts Music is 'Not as We' by Alanis Morissette. (Lyric transcription courtesy of xguardianangelx) Reborn and shivering / Spat out on new terrain / Unsure, unconvincing / This faint and shaky hour // Day one, day one / Start over again / Step one, step one / I'm barely making sense / For now I'm faking it / 'Til I'm pseudo-making it / From scratch begin again / But this time I is I / And not as we. A) House and Almore. House stands in Almore's room, cane over his arm. They stare at each other, each searching for answers. Finally, House unslings his cane and walks off. B) House and the Knfe. House sits in his office, thinking, gathering... something. Courage? Conviction? Opening and closing the Knfe he took from Almore against his forehead, he stares at the electrical outlet in the corner. C) Foreman thinking, then stealing patient. Foreman stares at his his whiteboard, then comes to a decision. We next see him wheeling his patient's bed down the hall. EXT - PPTH - NIGHT Brief sht of the corner side of PPTH from the air. INT. - POTW'S ROOM Thirteen and Amber are working with Stark, who's being leaned forward on his bed. AMBER: You're not getting enough oxygen, so we're inserting a tube directly into your lungs. It should help us drain some of this excess fluid. THIRTEEN: (picking up the tube) Should make you a little more comfortable. She inserts it and he gasps in pain. AMBER: Sats are still dropping. THIRTEEN: The fluid's clear. If this was cancer, there should be blood. Call House. AMBER: He just paged me. They exchange a brief glance, and Amber runs. INT. - HOUSE'S OFFICE Amber comes up to the door in time to see a blue flash. She starts in horror, then sees House on the floor. AMBER: Dr. House! She runs over to him, sees the Knfe in the outlet. Kneeling down, she checks his pulse, and begins CPR. INT. - AUDITORIUM - NEXT MORNING The fellows are seated, discussing what just happened. COLE: Maybe it was… just an accident. AMBER: It wasn't an accident. TAUB: Think his nilism got the best of him and he tried to kll himself? AMBER: He paged me. KUTNER: He paged you? TWIN 15A: Why you? AMBER: I assume because he… WILSON: Don't assume anything. Wilson enters in street-casual, flinging his briefcase down on the table. WILSON: Don't fall into that trap. THIRTEEN: Is he ok? WILSON: (takes a moment to process the question) brned his hand pretty good. His heart stopped for nearly a minute. But your cohort managed to… restart it. But… he has not regained consciousness. (Continues with forced cheer) So… (Checks the file) since I have you all here, we should probably talk about your ACTUAL patient. Everyone assumes a more clinical posture. WILSON: Clear fluid from the lungs indicates that it's probably not cancer, so it would be nice if we could come up with a new idea. Wilson stands there, looking faintly lost and out of his element. INT. - HOUSE:'S ROOM Wilson lurks by House's bedside, leaning on the bed tray, looking worried and concerned. House opens his eyes, looks around. WILSON: You're an idiot. You nearly klled yourself. HOUSE: That was the whole idea. WILSON: You WANTED to kll yourself? HOUSE: I wanted to NEARLY kll myself. Is he… better? WILSON: No. But he doesn't have cancer. We think it might be eosinophilic pneumonia. (Refusing to be distracted from his rant) Maybe you didn't want to die, but you didn't care if you lived. HOUSE: You insisted that I needed to see for myself. Wilson stands up and comes up to the head of the bed. HOUSE: (also refusing to be distracted from his original thought) What, was he discharged? WILSON: No. He's dying. You've already had two near-death experiences. HOUSE: Not that guy. The guy in the car accident. With the Knfe. I… I need to talk to him. WILSON: He… died almost an hour ago. Apparently, it's bad to electrocute yourself within days of suffering massive internal injuries. Why did you need to talk to him? Did you… see… something? HOUSE: Eosinophilic pneumonia… WILSON: House? What did you see? HOUSE: Nothing. Who's idea was that? WILSON: Brennan. Nothing-you-don't-want-to-talk-about-it or nothing… HOUSE: Which one's Brennan? Is he the ridiculously old guy? WILSON: House, you gotta talk about this. Instead, House closes and opens his hand, wincing at the pain. HOUSE: If it's aggressive enough, it might have gotten past the steroids. Start him on cyclophosphamide. WILSON: I already did. (Frustrated) Just looking at you hurts. (Takes his chart and scribbles) I'm going to order up some extra pain meds. HOUSE: I love you. Wilson gives a hurt and angry nod, still holding the chart. INT. - POTW'S ROOM Jody and Thirteen are by Stark's bedside. His harsh breathing fills the room. STARK: How fast… will this work? THIRTEEN: New meds should start helping in minutes. Just hang in there. JODY: Vacutainer's full. I need to replace it. STARK: I don't… I don't think it… it's working. THIRTEEN: Try and relax. STARK: You must… you must be wr… wrong. THIRTEEN: Stop talking. (To Jody) Hurry up and get that chest tube working? JODY: Ok. I got it. STARK: Could you get… Hoover? Thirteen goes to where Hoover is lying on the sofa, picks the dog up, and brings him over to the bed. He lies down beside Stark, whining his unhappiness. STARK: I can't… Can you… put my… hand… on his head? Thirteen does so. Hoover licks his lips and whines again. STARK: (reassuringly) It's ok. Don't worry. I'm not scared. His breathing gets harsher and harsher, until finally… it's over. Jody looks at the monitor, then at Stark. JODY: Oh, God. The whine of the machines is echoed by Hoover. Thirteen looks at Stark, then rises. THIRTEEN: Time of death… EXT. - PPTH - TWILIGHT sht of PPTH from the back side. INT. - HOUSE:'S ROOM Amber comes into the room, for the first time looking very young and vulnerable. AMBER: (faux cheerfully) You're looking better. (Solemnly) Stark's dad. House rolls his eyes, pulls off the pulse oximeter, begins to rise. AMBER: What are you doing? HOUSE: Going to see our patient. AMBER: He's dad. HOUSE: dad is not a diagnosis. AMBER: You really shouldn't be… HOUSE: Shut up. And give me my cane. She goes over and gets it, brings it over. AMBER: I assume we're all fired. HOUSE: Should I fre myself, too? I thought it was strongyloides, then I thought it was cancer. Little help here. She comes over to the bed, arranges herself under his left arm. AMBER: Ready? One, two… On 'three', she lifts him, but is outmassed, and only his quickly outstretched arm saves them both from falling to the floor. He looks at her, exasperated, and she looks back apologetically. They move off slowly across the room. AMBER: Why'd you call me? HOUSE: Because if I pooped myself in front of Wilson, I'd never hear the end of it. AMBER: But why not one of the others? HOUSE: You always had that phone in your hand. AMBER: We all have cell phones. That's not the reason. What is? HOUSE: If I died, you'd never get the job. I knew you wouldn't let that happen. AMBER: You don't think anybody else has any reason to care? Sensing the conversation heading off into dangerous territory, House takes his arm from around Amber's shoulders, as she stares in shock. HOUSE: Think this is starting to come back to me. Right, left, then repeat. He moves off under his own power as Amber stares after him. HOUSE: Yeah, that works. INT. - POTW'S ROOM House comes into the room where Jody and Thirteen are finishing the tidying up before the body is moved to the morgue. Both Jody and Thirteen start guiltily as House comes into the room. HOUSE: What did we miss? JODY: If we knew, he wouldn’t be dad. HOUSE: So, that's it? You're just gonna give up? THIRTEEN: No. We were defeated. It's over. JODY: Patient presented with syncope. We thought it was threadworms, gave him ivermectin. HOUSE: Thank you. Patient seemed… better, 'til his blood turned green. THIRTEEN: (tightly) Can we at least remove the body before launching into a purely academic exercise? HOUSE: The patient didn't respond to antibiotics or steroids. Thirteen goes to Hoover, shakes his rib-fur to awaken him. THIRTEEN: You ok, boy? HOUSE: What's wrong with the dog? Jody goes over to Hoover, lifts a foreleg to feel for the pulse. JODY: He's dad. There are only a handful of viruses that can cross between dogs and humans, but they may not be connected at all. The dog was old. I've seen it before. They hang on way past their normal life expectancy to take care of their masters. HOUSE: (to Thirteen) Did you watch him take the pills? (She looks at him blankly) The ivermectin. Did you watch the patient put them in his mouth and swallow them? THIRTEEN: I don't know. I think so. HOUSE: What kind of dog is that? JODY: English Shepherd. House begins to move the tables about, looking for something. HOUSE: It's in the Collie family, isn't it? JODY: Not really. HOUSE: They share the MDR-1 gene. JODY: Yeah. HOUSE: What happens when you give a dog with the MDR-1 gene ivermectin? JODY: They don't. I mean, it's used to treat heartworms in most dogs, but it'd be fatal if the… They all clump around as House uncovers the chewed pill cup. Thirteen picks it up. She looks horrified, as she realizes the enormity of what she's caused. HOUSE: Look familiar? I think the last time you saw it, it didn't have that dad dog's teethmarks on it. THIRTEEN: I just put it on the bed tray to get him some water. HOUSE: (harshly) When I asked you if you watched the patient swallow the pills, the right answer was 'no'. (Stares implacably into her eyes) Take his body down to the morgue. He walks out, leaving her to her guilt. INT. - HOUSE'S ROOM House sits on the bed, tying his sneakers when Cuddy comes in, near tears. CUDDY: If you hadn't treated this patient as a game, he wouldn't be dad. HOUSE: Feeling much better, thank you. CUDDY: I'm supposed to show you sympathy? He died... while his attending was lying on a hospital bed because he stuck a Knfe in a wall socket. HOUSE: He died because a doctor made a mistake. He was an idiot. CUDDY: You employed her. You're responsible. She turns abruptly and leaves. House considers. EXT. - PPTH - NIGHT Outside sht of the back of PPTH in solid darkness. INT. - MERCY NURSE'S DESK Schaffer waits for Foreman at the nurse's station. SCHAFFER: Dr. Foreman. He turns and walks over to her. SCHAFFER: How's she doing? FOREMAN: Fever's gone. AST and ALT are back within normal range. She should be out of here in a few days. SCHAFFER: Gutsy call. FOREMAN: Thanks. SCHAFFER: It wasn't a compliment. If you were wrong, she'd be dad. FOREMAN: I was sure… SCHAFFER: No, you weren't. You couldn't be. There's a reason we have rules. If every doctor did whatever his 'gut' said was right, we'd have a lot more dad bodies to deal with. FOREMAN: It won't happen again. SCHAFFER: Yes, it will. Because you confused saving her life with doing the right thing. (Shakes her head) I'm sorry, Dr. Foreman, you're fired. She walks away, leaving him standing there, surprised. He sighs and considers. INT. - PPTH MORGUE Thirteen is sitting vigil by Stark's body as House comes in. The sound of the door opening and closing echoes in the quiet as he stands there, watching her. THIRTEEN: (quietly) As soon as the pathologist cut into the lungs, we saw the threadworms. HOUSE: You think it's fair that I fired all the other members of your team when you guys actually came up with the right diagnosis? He starts walking towards her, stopping halfway between the door and her. She still doesn't look at him, continuing to stare fixedly at Stark's body. THIRTEEN: I keep replaying it in my mind. Did I drop the pills when I put them on the bed tray? Did I knock them over when I turned to leave? HOUSE: You know he'd be alive. He walks the rest of the way over to her. HOUSE: His dog'd be alive. THIRTEEN: I know. Not yet achieving his goal of catching her eyes, he walks past her. HOUSE: You forced us to act on a false assumption. THIRTEEN: I know. HOUSE: Everything we built from that step on. Every test. Every theory. Every treatment. THIRTEEN: (hotly, finally meeting his eyes) I know! Forget the lecture and fre me already! HOUSE: If I was going to f*re you, I wouldn't be giving you the lecture. I know you're not going to let anything like this ever happen again. (Pause) I'll see you tomorrow. Thirteen finally gets up from her chair and leaves. House waits until Thirteen is gone, then addresses Stark. HOUSE: And I'm sorry to say… I told you so. He flings the sheet over Stark's face. FADE OUT	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x03 - 97 Seconds"}	foreverdreaming
[Funeral Home. Night. In a darkened room, twenty-four-year-old Ukranian-American Irene Walesa talks to someone as she cuts someone's hair. She has a Russian accent. Camera stays on her and on the person's head.] IRENE WALESA: [cheerfully] There were some nice guys there, but they're all so quiet. Awkward smiles and sweaty palms. I'm not expecting Brad Pitt to walk into St. Theresa's. Just... someone who makes me laugh. Has a nice smile. [She tousles the person's hair.] IRENE WALESA: Full head of hair. You know, someone like you, Mr. Franklin. [Camera focuses on them. Mr. Franklin is a corpse (with a great haircut) on the table. She looks at her work.] IRENE WALESA: [sadly] Shame they're going to cremate you. [She looks at the other body in the room, which she's not yet gone to work on. She collects her equipment and walks over to the pantry, which has a big mirror in front of it. She pours herself a cup of coffee.] [MYSTERY PERSON POV: Someone moves towards her.] [She finishes pouring and looks up. She gets a start, seeing a menacing looking man in the mirror, standing behind her. She drops her cup, which smashes on the floor. Almost petrified with fear, she turns around to face him.] IRENE WALESA: [struggling to stay calm] Can I help you? [The man's wearing an open jacket, exposing his vest. A lady's face is tattooed on in neck.] IRENE WALESA: [calling out] Martin! [sht of Mr. Franklin's body on the table. The man advances thrat and looks at her lasciviously. Whimpering, she steps back.] IRENE WALESA: Martin! [She grabs a pair of surgical scissors to defend herself.] IRENE WALESA: [to the man] My purse is right there. Go ahead. Take whatever you want. [The man has no interest in the purse. In one swift motion, he grabs her by the back of her neck and yanks away the scissors, as she cries out in terror. His arm around her throat, he starts to snip of her shirt buttons with the scissors. Panicked, she elbows him low and gets free of his clutches, only to run into... Mr. Franklin - who seems very much alive and very sinister-looking. She whirls around to see the first attacker and gets an even bigger shock to see a gaping hole in the back of his head, in the mirror. She turns around, terrified, to Mr. Franklin, who only glowers at her. She looks and sees his table empty, with the sheet on the floor. She cries out. She turns again, and the first attacker grabs her throat and starts to throttle her. He forces her to the floor and continues to press his hand against her throat, as she weakly tries to scream. Her vision gets blurry...] [We see that Mr. Franklin is still on the table, quite dad. Her colleague, Martin, enters.] MARTIN: Irene? You call me? [He looks at both bodies on their tables, but still doesn't see Irene.] MARTIN: Irene? [He looks over to the pantry and sees Irene, writhing on the floor, having a seizure.] MARTIN: Irene! [He runs over to her. Her seizure continues, as we...] [Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital Auditorium. Day. Six of the five surviving fellows are assembled inside. Dr. Jeffrey Cole and Dr. Travis Brennan stand at a table, playing a game with coins. Dr. Lawrence Kutner sits on a chair, playing with a couple of rubberbands. Dr. Chris Taub reads the paper. Dr. Amber Volakis and Dr... "Thirteen" sit idly at their seats. Amber turns around to speak to "Thirteen".] AMBER VOLAKIS: [feigning concern, softly] How're you doing? "THIRTEEN": I'm fine. AMBER VOLAKIS: [whispering] FYI, if you ask me, it's more the guys' fault than yours. And House isn't blameless either. If he hadn't pitted us all against each other... "THIRTEEN": [interjecting] It was my fault. My mistake. [Amber looks at her and turns in front. The phone starts to ring. The fellows look at it.] CHRIS TAUB: [pointing at the phone] Was that always there? [Brennan shrugs and answers it.] TRAVIS BRENNAN: [into phone] Hello. [listens] Sure. [He puts on the speakerphone.] TRAVIS BRENNAN: [whispering to the rest] It's House. GREG HOUSE: [from phone] Gooood morning, Angels. ["Thirteen" smiles.] GREG HOUSE: [from phone] As you will see from the file, we have quite the interesting case. Not often do you get a patient who sees dad people. [The fellows exchange confused glances.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Uhh, what file? [House's Office. Day. Dr. Gregory House sits at his desk, tossing his little red fuzzball in the air and catching it. He stops his game, on hearing about the missing file.] GREG HOUSE: What the hell? I gave it to Bosley a half hour ago. [Dr. Allison Cameron enters, carrying a cold coffee, in a clear plastic cup.] ALLISON CAMERON: It was not a half hour. It was ten minutes. And he made copies of the ER records first. [She holds the coffee out to him.] GREG HOUSE: Less lip, more whip. I only agreed to take this case because you said that this Mocha Frappalicious would have whip on it. [She withdraws her hand.] ALLISON CAMERON: Fine. I'll refer the case to Foreman. [She goes to put the straw into her mouth.] GREG HOUSE: [shakes his head] Can't. Mercy fired him. [Cameron arches forward in surprise. House motions for the cup] GREG HOUSE: Gimme. ALLISON CAMERON: He got fired? GREG HOUSE: Disobeyed a superior officer under fre. He's lucky he wasn't excuted. [He takes the Mocha Frappalicious from her.] ALLISON CAMERON: How do you know about it? You keeping tabs on him? GREG HOUSE: Girls talk. [He calls the Auditorium phone to speak to the fellows. He keeps it on speakerphone.] GREG HOUSE: When Bosley drags his ancient ass in there... [In the Auditorium, "Dr." Henry Dobson enters, carrying a file.] HENRY DOBSON: I'm here. Twenty-four-year-old funeral cosmetician suffered a grand mal seizure at work. [He starts to hand out the copies to the others.] CHRIS TAUB: [whispers to Kutner] Why does he get to be Bosley? LAWRENCE KUTNER: [whispers to Taub] You wanna be Bosley? Bosley's like the asexual messenger boy. HENRY DOBSON: She had a vision of being rped by a cadaver before passing out. Seizure rules out psychiatric illness. No history of epilepsy, head trauma, or drug use. CHRIS TAUB: [whispers to Kutner] Bosley keeps his job while they replace five Angels over three seasons. AMBER VOLAKIS: Could be a tumor to the temporal lobe. CHRIS TAUB: Not with a normal CT scan. AMBER VOLAKIS: You mean it appeared normal to the doc in the ER. GREG HOUSE: Way to get right back on that horse, "Thirteen". "THIRTEEN": No, that was Amber. GREG HOUSE: [from phone] Nice try, Cutthroat Bitch. That was the worst "Thirteen" imitation I've ever heard. ["Thirteen" smiles, while Amber frowns.] CHRIS TAUB: Funeral home prep rooms are filled with toxic chemicals. TRAVIS BRENNAN: And cadavers. Everybody in that place obviously died from something. CHRIS TAUB: [suddenly] I have a question. Is he the one who's not a doctor? [He points to Dobson (as if House could see who he's pointing to).] HENRY DOBSON: [ignores him] bllts aren't contagious. But infections, parasites... CHRIS TAUB: [interrupts] You said one of us wasn't a doctor, and you called him a fraud. GREG HOUSE: [from phone] He's not a doctor. Continue, Boz. [Taub rolls his head.] HENRY DOBSON: Could be an STD... CHRIS TAUB: [interrupts again] Why isn't he fired? [House starts to punch the buttons on the phone.] GREG HOUSE: [raspy voice] Oh, you're breaking up. I'm going into a tunnel. [The sounds of telephone buttons being pressed is heard in the Auditorium.] GREG HOUSE: Dark religious nut. [Cameron looks at House in disapproval, though not really surprised at the jibe.] [In the Auditorium, Cole obviously doesn't appreciate the jibe.] JEFFREY COLE: What did you call me? GREG HOUSE: [from phone] I'm sorry. What do you people want to be called this week? JEFFREY COLE: Cole. GREG HOUSE: [furrows his brow] I'm never gonna remember that. Take Bosley and the other visible minority to the funeral home. [Kutner reacts to the "other visible minority" phrase.] GREG HOUSE: The rest of you young white people, the world is your oyster. Get an MRI with contrast, EEG, LP, and blood panel. And, Angels, be careful. [He hangs up.] [The "Angels" get to work.] [In House's office, Cameron chides House.] ALLISON CAMERON: Just because he's religious doesn't mean he won't kick your ass. GREG HOUSE: You wanna bet? ALLISON CAMERON: No, I want you to stop being such a jerk to him. [House pulls out a Benjamin, which was hidden in his desk, and flaps its ends outwards in front of Cameron.] GREG HOUSE: [teasingly] One hundred dollars. [Cameron smiles at him, accepting the bet.] GREG HOUSE: Smart call. [pockets the money] Guy's a wuss. He's gonna be the next one on the train. ALLISON CAMERON: Define "kick your ass." GREG HOUSE: Any physical confrontation... ALLISON CAMERON: Or verbal? GREG HOUSE: Define verbal. ALLISON CAMERON: Anything over...seventy decibels. And you can't start suddenly being nice to him. GREG HOUSE: You realize what you're encouraging here. ALLISON CAMERON: [grinning ear-to-ear] Yeah, someone kickin' your ass. [She leaves.] [Aerial View of PPTH. Evening.] [MRI Room. Day. Irene lies on the MRI table. Taub and Amber help strap her in. Her mother, Connie (old woman in her sixties), stands near Taub, comforting her.] IRENE WALESA: [looking inside the MRI] The space inside is smaller than I thought. CONNIE WALESA: Don't worry, Reena. The doctors are going to take good care of you, right? CHRIS TAUB: Once the valium kicks in, you'll feel better. CONNIE WALESA: And then we'll have some nice, warm milk when you're done. IRENE WALESA: I'd rather have more valium. CONNIE WALESA: [amused] Reena. CHRIS TAUB: Let's wait just a bit, see how it goes. AMBER VOLAKIS: Try to lie as still as possible. [Amber presses a button on the MRI. As Irene is slowly moved inside the MRI, Taub and Amber walk towards the adjoining room. Connie moves aside.] CHRIS TAUB: [complaining] I guess Father Time's a lock for one of the spots. AMBER VOLAKIS: "Thirteen"'s a lock. CHRIS TAUB: He doesn't have a medical license and he's still around. AMBER VOLAKIS: She klled a guy in a wheelchair. And his dog. [They enter the adjoining room and sit in front of the monitors.] CHRIS TAUB: He doesn't care about our qualifications or ideas. He just wants to have fun. AMBER VOLAKIS: And she's the ultimate fun 'cause he can't figure her out. CHRIS TAUB: This game is insane. AMBER VOLAKIS: So quit. Happy to lose the competition. CHRIS TAUB: [sighs] If it's gonna be on your résumé, it's gotta be better to quit than get fired. AMBER VOLAKIS: Either quit or shut up. [He looks at her.] CHRIS TAUB: Actually, with House, getting fired might look better. [Dr. Pilcher's Office. Day. Dr. Eric Foreman sits opposite Dr. Pilcher, who interviews him for a job.] DR. PILCHER: [going through Foreman's résumé] Dr. House is a dangerous egomaniac. ERIC FOREMAN: [smiles in agreement] That's why I left. We had different ideas on how to practise. DR. PILCHER: Glad to hear it. Tell me about Mercy. ERIC FOREMAN: To be honest, I don't think Dr. Schaffer really gave me a chance. DR. PILCHER: Obviously not. You were there for three weeks. What happened? ERIC FOREMAN: [sighs uneasily] Saved a patient's life. DR. PILCHER: That's usually not grounds for dismissal. ERIC FOREMAN: [unsure] Have you spoken to her? DR. PILCHER: Yes. ERIC FOREMAN: Then why are you asking me what happened? DR. PILCHER: You have an excellent résumé. I felt I owed it to you to hear what you had to say. ERIC FOREMAN: [quietly] What'd she tell you? DR. PILCHER: That you defied her instructions and hospital procedures. ERIC FOREMAN: That's what happened. Nothing more I can add to that. DR. PILCHER: You could tell me that you were wrong. [Foreman stays silent.] DR. PILCHER: [putting Foreman's résumé aside] Sounds like you didn't leave House quite soon enough. [Foreman sits quietly, knowing he's just been rejected.] [Aerial View of PPTH. Evening.] [House's Office. Evening. House stands, looking outside the window, while Jeffrey Cole speaks over the speakerphone.] JEFFREY COLE: [over phone] Cadavers were clean. So is her food. It's all organic unprocessed crap. It's gotta be the embalming fluid. [Hospital Auditorium. Evening. Cole sits on the same table as the phone, giving his report to House. The other fellows sit in their seats.] JEFFREY COLE: Ethanol can have psychoactive effects... GREG HOUSE: [from phone, loudly] Bosley! Tell whoever's talking he's an idiot. [Dobson stands as House calls his nickname. Cole just sits miffed. Dobson just hovers above his seat, unsure how to proceed.] [House, not hearing someone being called an idiot, turns to the phone.] GREG HOUSE: Bosley. Either tell him he's an idiot, or tell me why I'm wrong. HENRY DOBSON: [apologetically, to Cole] You're an idiot. [He sits.] GREG HOUSE: [from phone] You actually think that I'd take a patient who had a seizure in a funeral home if the ER hadn't already ruled out embalming fluid? JEFFREY COLE: I thought we weren't supposed to trust... GREG HOUSE: [from phone, snaps] Idiot! From the old french, [constipated French accent] "idiote", meaning effeminate, mentlly deficient moor. HENRY DOBSON: I found something in the mortuary's files from '05. A forty-eight-year-old male's cause of death was listed as pneumonia, but the symptoms in the autopsy report didn't fit. Uh, confusion, memory loss, depression. GREG HOUSE: Mad cow. Very cool. JEFFREY COLE: No, she's a vegetarian and only ate organic vegetables at that. GREG HOUSE: Tell him he's an idiot again. [Cole purses his lips.] HENRY DOBSON: [to Cole] The disease can be spread by brain tissue. GREG HOUSE: Which is very cool. Run with it. TRAVIS BRENNAN: [amused] So because the answer might be "cool", you want us to do a brain biopsy on a twenty-four-year-old woman? GREG HOUSE: No, because the answer is something cool, I want you to do a brain biopsy on a forty-eight-year-old dad guy. [Astonished looks from the fellows.] AMBER VOLAKIS: [wide-eyed] The guy's already been buried. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [excited] We dig him up. [Amber looks at him, non-plussed.] CHRIS TAUB: I am not digging up a body without a court order. GREG HOUSE: Don't think of it as digging up a body. Think of it as keeping another one from being buried. [A silent bat, while the fellows consider it.] JEFFREY COLE: I can't do it. [House picks up the whole phone and speaks directly into the mouthpiece.] GREG HOUSE: We gonna have another one of those ecumenical discussions where I tell you that your beliefs are ridiculous and you totally cave? JEFFREY COLE: I just gotta be home at six. GREG HOUSE: The Sabbath. The Lord works for six days, then tells the Union he needs a rest. You know, if I was all-powerful, I'd take at least two days. "THIRTEEN": It's Thursday. GREG HOUSE: Well, then it must be the kid. [Cole rolls his head. The other fellows look at him, intrigued.] GREG HOUSE: You have oatmeal on your pants. [Cole looks at his pants and looks around. Kutner looks up.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Do you have a camera in here? GREG HOUSE: No. I was guessing. He had oatmeal on his pants yesterday and the day before. Have one of your wives look after the spawn. JEFFREY COLE: I'm a single dad. [This is obviously news to his colleagues.] CHRIS TAUB: Where's the single mom? JEFFREY COLE: I have no idea. [He gets off the table and walks out.] GREG HOUSE: Interesting. You claim a lapse of judgment, or you gonna admit that a lapse in judgment is a lapse in faith? TRAVIS BRENNAN: He's gone. GREG HOUSE: Fair enough. Family comes first. [He hangs up.] [Hospital Lobby. Day. Dr. Lisa Cuddy stands at a Nurse's station, signing some papers. Amber walks up from the Clinic.] AMBER VOLAKIS: Dr. Cuddy, I'm Amber Volakis, one of Dr. House's new fellows. [Cuddy looks at her and recites a speech, she no doubt prepared specially for these fellows.] LISA CUDDY: Sexual harassment claims go through HR. Stress-related leaves through worker's comp, and any accusations of criminal activities go directly to the Princeton Plainsboro Police Department. [She starts to walk off.] AMBER VOLAKIS: Actually, I was wondering if you needed any extra help in the clinic tonight. LISA CUDDY: [laughing] You're not going to score any points with House by kissing my ass. [She starts to walk again.] AMBER VOLAKIS: Understood. But I hear Dr. House hates clinic duty. If he were to hear through the grapevine that I was willing to work overtime, take some of it off his hands... LISA CUDDY: My advice to you is to do whatever House wants you to do tonight. And then tomorrow night, you can come back and I will give you extra clinic duty. [She turns around, trying to escape, but turns in frustration as Amber speaks again.] AMBER VOLAKIS: Does everybody around here have trust issues? LISA CUDDY: I don't know what House wants you to do, and I don't want to know. But if you really have a problem with it, quit now. It's only gonna get worse. [Cuddy leaves. Thwarted, Amber leaves.] [Cemetery. Night. The fellows (minus Amber) are in the middle of a very literal "graveyard shift" as part of the weekly House-ordered B&E. They've dug up almost all the dirt. Kutner (with pickaxe) and Brennan (with shovel) are currently digging, while the others shine their flashlights on them.] TRAVIS BRENNAN: All right, who's up? CHRIS TAUB: Not me. ["Thirteen" (her face dirty from having dug previously) looks at him angrily.] "THIRTEEN": You haven't done any digging yet. CHRIS TAUB: I'm a surgeon.If anything happens to these hands, I'm screwed. Let Bosley do it. As long as he can keep folding laundry, his career won't... HENRY DOBSON: [urgently] Shh, shh, shh. Someone's coming. [A moment of suspense as the fellows stop what they're doing and look around in fear.] CHRIS TAUB: [whispering] Shouldn't we be running? LAWRENCE KUTNER: [whispering] If it's a cop, run. Security guard, I say we take him down. [A shadowy figure walks purposefully towards them. The suspense evaporates when they see it's only Amber, carrying a pink box and to-go coffees.] AMBER VOLAKIS: [smiling] Sorry I'm late. CHRIS TAUB: Where the hell have you been? AMBER VOLAKIS: Oh, I got lost. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [resuming digging] Been here over three hours. AMBER VOLAKIS: Really lost. I brought coffee and donuts. [Taub grabs a donut, while "Thirteen" goes for a coffee.] AMBER VOLAKIS: So "Thirteen", you grow up around here? ["Thirteen" frowns in mid-sip.] "THIRTEEN": We're digging up a grave, and you want to chit-chat? AMBER VOLAKIS: I'm just making conversation. It's what people do. Why are you hiding everything? And I'm asking you that question because you're hiding everything. There's something seriously wrong with you. I'm worried. "THIRTEEN": [smiles] No, you're not. AMBER VOLAKIS: Fine, but I am freaked, because I don't think you're a freak. I think you're doing this on purpose because you know House will be intrigued. ["Thirteen" stays quiet for a second and then nods.] "THIRTEEN": Yeah, I grew up around here. [She moves away to escape further interrogation. Lightning briefly illuminates the cemetery, accompanied by thunder. A loud CLANK is heard inside the open grave.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: [looks up, dramatically] Honey, I'm home. [He shifts some dirt around to expose the coffin.] TRAVIS BRENNAN: Get the crowbar. LAWRENCE KUTNER: No, there's not enough room to maneuver a crowbar down here. [He brings his pickaxe down hard on the coffin. The others react in pious shock.] TRAVIS BRENNAN: Oh, God help us. [Kutner manages to break a hole in the coffin. Amber covers her nose and leans forward to peer inside. Kutner looks through the small hole he made and frowns.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: What the hell? AMBER VOLAKIS: [nervous] What is it? LAWRENCE KUTNER: [testily] Ankles. They buried the guy the wrong way around. [He breaks open another hole on the other side of the coffin.] [Aerial View of PPTH. Day.] [Hospital Cafeteria. Day. House eats a hearty breakfast of bacon and scrambled eggs. Cuddy walks up to him.] LISA CUDDY: The doctor's lounge is covered in mud. GREG HOUSE: Thirteen and Cutthroat Bitch had a disagreement, and the cafeteria was out of jell-o. [He gives her a "what-else-could-we-do?" look.] LISA CUDDY: There were pickaxes. Either you had them dig up a body, or you're building a railroad. GREG HOUSE: A little tiny piece of his brain. Seemed a waste. He wasn't using it anymore. LISA CUDDY: That's your defense? "We just dismembered him"? GREG HOUSE: They're looking for Creutzfeldt-Jakob. [Cuddy loses all interest in the doctor's lounge mess, now that Mad Cow has entered the picture. She sits in front of House.] LISA CUDDY: [really intrigued] You get the results yet? GREG HOUSE: Does my breath smell bated to you? LISA CUDDY: Yes. Let me know when you hear anything. [stands] And get that mess in the shower area cleaned up. GREG HOUSE: I know just the guy. LISA CUDDY: How many of them agreed to dig up a grave? GREG HOUSE: Six. [Cuddy rolls her head.] GREG HOUSE: But don't worry, the one who didn't didn't stand on principle. He just had a diaper to change. I really think there are no bad choices in this group. [He resumes eating. Cuddy thinks better than to argue or admonish and walks off.] [Hospital Laboratory. Day. The fellows run tests. House enters carrying a mop.] GREG HOUSE: You guys don't wipe your feet when you come in the house? [He thumps the mop handle on the floor, right in front of Taub.] GREG HOUSE: Doctor's lounge. Let's go. CHRIS TAUB: Why me? GREG HOUSE: Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it. That would be insensitive. CHRIS TAUB: And you can't ask Bosley because that'd look like you only hired the non-doctor to do non-doctor stuff. GREG HOUSE: You keep stalling, you're still gonna clean up, but I won't let you have the mop. [Taub concedes and takes the mop. He starts to walk out, but stops as Brennan speaks.] TRAVIS BRENNAN: Sample came back negative for Creutzfeldt-Jakob. [The others look disappointed.] GREG HOUSE: Well, that discussion didn't last long. TRAVIS BRENNAN: I just don't know what else there is. We had an idea. It was wrong. GREG HOUSE: Well, we can go home. I mean, we have no idea what's wrong with her. Which means it could be completely benign. Or, on the off chance that it's _klling_ her, we could take it again from the top. [He limps outside.] [Irene's Room. Day. Irene lies in her bed, while Cole, Amber and "Thirteen" attend to her. Connie sits across the room on a chair.] IRENE WALESA: You've already done everything. JEFFREY COLE: We may have missed something. IRENE WALESA: I just want to go home. I'm sure I'm fine now. CONNIE WALESA: Reena, the doctors know best. "THIRTEEN": You had some serious symptoms. The seizures... IRENE WALESA: If I have another one, I'll come right back, okay? CONNIE WALESA: If you have it while you're driving... IRENE WALESA: You can drive me. Make sure I take it easy. [Cole and "Thirteen" exchange confused glances.] "THIRTEEN": Who can? IRENE WALESA: [looking towards Connie] My mother. JEFFREY COLE: Your mother's here? IRENE WALESA: What are you talking about? She's right there. [She points to where Connie sits. The fellows look at the seat and see... no one! They look at each other in surprise.] [Hospital Auditorium. Day. The fellow are seated around the speakerphone, listening to House berating them.] GREG HOUSE: [from phone] You sampled every bodily fluid, peeked in her brain, violated a cadaver's privacy, dug up a body... [House enters through the back entrance of the auditorium, speaking to them on his cell phone. They turn on seeing him.] GREG HOUSE: ... but missed the fact she was still seeing things that weren't there. [He hangs up and limps towards them.] Neurological symptoms are getting worse. GREG HOUSE: Be nice if one of you Angels-slash-morons had a clue why. CHRIS TAUB: We did a full history. She never mentioned seeing or hearing anything unusual. GREG HOUSE: [sarcastic] Oh, well, as long as she never said anything. How were you to know? Same thing with the spinal fluid? She tell you that was fine? TRAVIS BRENNAN: [checking a file] The labs were all clear. GREG HOUSE: Then either we're about to meet the Alpha and Omega, or you missed something. HENRY DOBSON: [after a bat] We missed the new symptom. LAWRENCE KUTNER: It's not a new symptom. We always knew she had hallucinations. HENRY DOBSON: Seeing her dad mother's a hallucination. Not knowing she's dad is a delusion. GREG HOUSE: [impressed] You keep this up, you're gonna have to start wearing sexier clothes. CHRIS TAUB: Uh, carbon monoxide could also cause delusions. A lot of haunted houses report... HENRY DOBSON: There's no headache. No tachycardia. [to Taub] I guess they didn't cover that at your medical school. [Taub gives him a petty smile.] "THIRTEEN": What about a hereditary connection? She's twenty-four. Her mother died when she was twenty-five. LAWRENCE KUTNER: In Ukraine, twenty years ago. Good luck trying to get those records. GREG HOUSE: We start new records. Test for every hereditary disease that fits the symptoms. CHRIS TAUB: There are at least forty different mitochondrial disorders, another couple hundred... GREG HOUSE: Start with amyloidosis, keep going until you reach... zamyloidosis. [They get up and prepare to go.] [Irene's Room. Day. "Thirteen" and Amber run tests on Irene.] IRENE WALESA: Now what are you testing for? Or should I ask what you're not testing for? AMBER VOLAKIS: Well, we could narrow it down if you could remember what your mother died from. IRENE WALESA: [snapping] My mother is not dad. She's sitting right there. [points to the seat, where Connie sits (or so she thinks)] AMBER VOLAKIS: Do you think we're lying to you? "THIRTEEN": [softly] Leave it alone. [Amber looks at "Thirteen" and walks over to her.] "THIRTEEN": Convincing her that her mother's dad isn't gonna make her better, just miserable. AMBER VOLAKIS: You lose your mother? ["Thirteen" looks at her in surprise and looks down again, evasively.] AMBER VOLAKIS: Do you think we're trying to trick you? Why would we do that? IRENE WALESA: Because you're mean. And you're not good at your job. CONNIE WALESA: Reena, stop. You're being cruel. IRENE WALESA: They're wasting time. Doing exactly what the guy in the wheelchair said they'd do. ["Thirteen" looks shocked. Amber looks at Irene.] "THIRTEEN": [coming forward] A guy in a wheelchair was here? IRENE WALESA: You know who I'm talking about. He's been hanging around ever since they brought me in. Complaining about how incompetent everyone is. Said you klled his dog. ["Thirteen", still shaken, goes back to where she was and resumes testing. Irene seems to smile at Amber.] [Restaurant. Day. Cuddy and Foreman have lunch, the former offering the latter his job back.] LISA CUDDY: It doesn't make any sense. ERIC FOREMAN: I'm not interested. LISA CUDDY: If you weren't interested, you wouldn't be here. ERIC FOREMAN: I thought it was social. LISA CUDDY: No, you didn't. You always think there's an agenda. ERIC FOREMAN: That's why I left. LISA CUDDY: That's why you're good. You need a job. ERIC FOREMAN: I'll find a job. LISA CUDDY: And I need someone that understands House. ERIC FOREMAN: They'll learn. LISA CUDDY: I need someone that can control House. ERIC FOREMAN: [snorts] Heh! Keep looking. Might take a while. [He stands and puts on his coat.] LISA CUDDY: I'll cut the salary of everyone else on the team fifteen percent, give it to you. That's more than you'll get anywhere else. [Foreman sits, a bit interested.] ERIC FOREMAN: What does House say about this? LISA CUDDY: You're the one person on the team that he always respected. ERIC FOREMAN: [chuckles] This restaurant is twenty minutes out of your way. Half an hour out of mine. You picked it to make sure House didn't drop in on us. LISA CUDDY: It's my decision, not his. ERIC FOREMAN: And you tell him that, then run back to your office while I get to deal with him. I left for a reason. That reason hasn't changed. [He stands and leaves. Cuddy watches him go, looking pensive.] [House's Office. Day. House plays "Surgeon" at his desk, slowly lifting up the "patient"'s left lung with the plastic surgical scissors. He drops it and puts on a "whoops" look. Slowly, he moves the left lung to the side. His fellows stand in front of his desk.] GREG HOUSE: So... what's the news? TRAVIS BRENNAN: Everything's negative so far. GREG HOUSE: Yes. Why wait to finish before reporting to me? I have things to do, you know. AMBER VOLAKIS: She's seeing someone else. GREG HOUSE: That's not news. That's "olds". [Unable to pick up the guy's plastic liver, he curses.] GREG HOUSE: Dammit. Why did God design the human body this way? AMBER VOLAKIS: A guy in a wheelchair. GREG HOUSE: In a hospital. It's enough to give you the heebie-jeebies. AMBER VOLAKIS: He had a dog. She's seeing Stark. Our last patient. [House puts the plastic scissors aside and leans back in his chair.] GREG HOUSE: Well, if it's Stark, he wouldn't be haunting a patient, he'd be haunting the doctor who klled him. "THIRTEEN": She probably just overheard someone talking about it or... GREG HOUSE: [interjects loudly] Probably? You think there's a possibility that the alternative is true? "THIRTEEN": No. GREG HOUSE: Then go away. TRAVIS BRENNAN: We're wasting time. We ran thirty two gels. We could run a hundred more. Without knowing how her mother died... GREG HOUSE: You're gonna have to run a hundred more. And by you, of course, I'm only referring to the people who care enough about human life to put in a full day. [to Cole] You wanna carpool? JEFFREY COLE: H-how do you expect me to respond to this stuff? GREG HOUSE: Exactly like you just did. I have a theory. Maybe you can help me out. Black Mormon means masochist. Means kinky. [He comes close to Cole. Kutner accommodatingly makes way for House, smiling.] GREG HOUSE: I'm thinking that someone got hurt making the bastard. Am I right? JEFFREY COLE: You leave my son out of this. GREG HOUSE: I wasn't referring to your kid's hypocrisy. I was referring to yours. [Cole seems about ready to react, but Dobson jumps in.] HENRY DOBSON: Why don't we just ask her how she died, hmm? AMBER VOLAKIS: Because she won't tell us. She thinks her mother's still alive. HENRY DOBSON: I don't mean ask the patient, I mean ask her mother. GREG HOUSE: [thinks about it a second, likes it] Cool. [He walks past a bewildered Taub. He calls for "Thirteen" to follow.] GREG HOUSE: [to "Thirteen"] Come on. [With a confused look to the others, she follows him out.] CHRIS TAUB: [to Dobson] What the hell does that mean? You guys talking your own language now? HENRY DOBSON: I'm sorry. I'll try to include some visual aids next time. [He leaves.] [Irene's Room. Day. House and "Thirteen" enter.] IRENE WALESA: Now what? [House and "Thirteen" stand in front of her bed.] GREG HOUSE: I'm Dr. House. 'S your mom around? IRENE WALESA: Why should I tell you? You're just going to tell me I'm lying or crazy. [Connie sits on the armrest of a sofa nearby.] GREG HOUSE: Not gonna do that. I really need to know what she has to say. IRENE WALESA: What do you want? GREG HOUSE: When you were young, was she...? IRENE WALESA: No, not you. Him. [points to someone behind him] [House and "Thirteen" look at her in surprise.] "THIRTEEN": [warily] The man in the wheelchair? IRENE WALESA: No. He's old. [House moves away and we see an older sour-faced gentleman in a suit standing there.] IRENE WALESA: Actually, looks like you. ["Thirteen" almost looks scared. Connie smiles at the gentleman. House walks towards the man and turns.] GREG HOUSE: Yeah, that's Grandpa House. Tell him to call back on a land line. Terrible reception in here. How much pain was your mom in? OLD GENTLEMAN: It's Walter. IRENE WALESA: He says his name is Walter. [House's face shows a mixture of shock and disbelief. "Thirteen" looks at him. House walks out.] [Wilson's Office. Day. House enters the room. Dr. James Wilson looks up and sees his friend walk over to the couch and lie down comfortably.] JAMES WILSON: [unsure what House wants this time] Can I... help you? GREG HOUSE: My patient's talking to my Grandpa Walt. JAMES WILSON: You have a Grandpa Walt? GREG HOUSE: Nope. Which is what made me suspect that maybe she's not actually seeing into the afterlife. JAMES WILSON: What is this sudden obsession with the afterlife? GREG HOUSE: Only obsession is with the idiots in the right-here-and-now life who think there's an afterlife. [he pulls out his Vicodin bottle] JAMES WILSON: And you want me to...? GREG HOUSE: Nothing. Just need a place to hang low for awhile. I'm pretending to be spooked. [He throws up a Vicodin pill and catches it in his mouth.] JAMES WILSON: Because...? GREG HOUSE: Because if my soon-to-be-brain-dad patient thinks that I believe her, maybe she'll let me chat with her mother's ghost. JAMES WILSON: The one you don't believe exists. GREG HOUSE: Exactly. The ghost is a hallucination, which is the result of a delusion which most likely is the result of a hereditary disease that her mother died from when the patient was four. JAMES WILSON: And you think you can tap into her subconscious memory by tapping into her hallucination. GREG HOUSE: Hmm-mm. She might not know what caused her mother's death, but she will know how she acted before she died. JAMES WILSON: You're quite impressed with yourself right now, aren't you? GREG HOUSE: [snorts] Who wouldn't be? [checks his watch] Well, that should be long enough. Back in a flash. JAMES WILSON: Take your time. [House limps outside.] [Irene's Room. Day. House enters. Irene stirs awake.] GREG HOUSE: [acting like a believer] Is my grandfather still here? IRENE WALESA: No. [Her mother, sitting beside her on the bed, speaks.] CONNIE WALESA: He should be right back. IRENE WALESA: He just went to get some warm milk. GREG HOUSE: But your mom's still here, right? [Irene and Connie smile at each other.] IRENE WALESA: Yes, of course. GREG HOUSE: I know she's fine now, but when you were four or five, she got sick. IRENE WALESA: [confused] No. GREG HOUSE: You sure? She wasn't in any pain? CONNIE WALESA: I wasn't in pain. IRENE WALESA: She was just tired. And sometimes she would stay in bed all day. GREG HOUSE: Did she ever fall down? CONNIE WALESA: Of course. Everyone falls down once in awhile. IRENE WALESA: Sometimes. Not that often. GREG HOUSE: How often? CONNIE WALESA: [remembering] Maybe it was actually more than once in awhile. [gasps in recollection] Remember that time in the bathroom? IRENE WALESA: Hmm. [to House] A few times. Once she ht her head on the bathroom sink. There was blood all over the floor. I got it on my sweater. And... [She frowns as she recollects. She looks at Connie.] IRENE WALESA: They took her away. GREG HOUSE: Yeah, to the place where the doctor made her better. But before that, what about her arms and legs? Did she ever walk funny? Like sort of bent over? CONNIE WALESA: [laughs] I thought that was from growing up on the farm. GREG HOUSE: What about her hands? She ever have any difficulty sewing, buttoning a shirt? CONNIE WALESA: No. [gasps] But sometimes, my hands would, um, shiver. Like I was cold. But I wasn't. I never quite understood. IRENE WALESA: She used to get the shivers like she was cold. [House understands and leaves the room. Irene looks at the space where only she sees her mother.] [Hospital Auditorium. Day. The fellows sit idly. House enters from the back entrance. They turn to him as he speaks.] GREG HOUSE: Start her on l-dopa and bromocriptine. [bored] It's just Parkinson's. [He limps off. The fellows exchange looks and then scramble to leave.] CUT TO: [Aerial view of PPTH. Night.] CUT TO: [Hospital Hallways. Day. Cole is ready to leave for the day. Cameron comes running up to him.] ALLISON CAMERON: Cole. How's it going with your patient? [They start walking along the hallway.] JEFFREY COLE: Still seeing stuff. ALLISON CAMERON: I hear House is treating you like crap. JEFFREY COLE: [light chuckle] He treats everyone badly. ALLISON CAMERON: [smiles] Yeah, but I heard you're special. JEFFREY COLE: Oh, I can handle it. [They reach the elevator and Cameron hits the button for Cole.] ALLISON CAMERON: Maybe you shouldn't. He's gonna walk all over you if you let him. JEFFREY COLE: That says nothing about me, just him. ALLISON CAMERON: [exhorting] House respects people who aren't afraid of him. Get in his face. Yell if you have to. JEFFREY COLE: I don't need his respect. [Cameron looks bewildered, as Cole enters the elevator.] ALLISON CAMERON: You do if you want the job. [Cole seems to consider it, but...] JEFFREY COLE: Thanks for the advice. [The elevator door closes and Cameron looks defeated.] CUT TO: [Irene's Room. Day. Irene struggles in pain as Kutner roughly tries to inject something into her left arm. "Thirteen" goes to help him out, pushing Irene down.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: [pissed] You have to hold still! IRENE WALESA: [crying] I'm trying! LAWRENCE KUTNER: [irritated] Damn! Hold her down! [As he tries to inject her again, she screams and writhes.] IRENE WALESA: No! Stop it! "THIRTEEN": [has enough, shouts] Let me do it! [The two fellows quickly exchange places. Terrified, Irene tries to escape from the bed.] IRENE WALESA: No... no! [Kutner holds her down.] "THIRTEEN": [yells] Hold her down! [Kutner straddles her and pins her down.] IRENE WALESA: [pleading] No! No! No! [Kutner and "Thirteen" exchange evil smiles as "Thirteen" brandishes a much bigger and scarier needle. Irene's eyes bulge in horror and "Thirteen" sab the large needle down towards Irene's left forearm.] IRENE WALESA: No! [A sab sound is heard and Irene screams out loudly, as the needle pierces her skin and blood seeps out. "Thirteen" and Kutner seem pleased with themselves.] [Irene wakes up suddenly, drenched in sweat. "Thirteen" (not so evil in real life) stands beside her.] "THIRTEEN": Irene. Irene? IRENE WALESA: [sighs weakly] You sab me. "THIRTEEN": You were having a nightmare. Wasn't real. IRENE WALESA: [crying] My arm is bleeding. "THIRTEEN": No, it's okay now. Your arm's not... [She looks down and sees many bloody welts on Irene's left forearm. She looks shocked.] CUT TO: [Diagnostics Office. Day. The fellows sit around the glass table, while House paces about and Dobson writes on the whiteboard.] AMBER VOLAKIS: Lesions aren't explained by Parkinson's. GREG HOUSE: Any theories? ["Thirteen" shakes her head. Dobson finishes writing "HALLUCINATIONS, SEIZURE, DELUSIONS, SKIN LESIONS" on the whiteboard and hands the black marker to House.] GREG HOUSE: [to "Thirteen"] A ghost got your tongue? "THIRTEEN": I'm fine. HENRY DOBSON: What about vasculitis? CHRIS TAUB: MRI didn't indicate any cerebral ischemia. HENRY DOBSON: But she has shown some focal weakness, urinary retention. CHRIS TAUB: Yes, those are her big mystery symptoms. Not the hallucinations that vasculitis doesn't explain. HENRY DOBSON: Unless it's retinal vasculitis. [House looks at Dobson, liking the idea.] CHRIS TAUB: House, this guy may be smart, and I'm sure he's great to share a beer with. But if he doesn't know that visual symptoms are an electrical issue, not vascular; two separate systems... HENRY DOBSON: So are the banks and the power grid. But if I don't pay my bills, my lights go out. ["Thirteen" and Amber look impressed. Not so much Taub and Kutner.] GREG HOUSE: Vasculitis restricts blood flow to nerves, messes with electrical function. CHRIS TAUB: Acute intermittent porphyria's a better fit. HENRY DOBSON: If you're wrong about porphyria, the treatment could box her kidneys. Vasculitis is treated with corticosteriods. Relatively harmless. GREG HOUSE: Start her on the steroids. CHRIS TAUB: [protesting] House... GREG HOUSE: And test for both so he'll stop whining. [Taub presses his temples in exasperation.] GREG HOUSE: [to Cole] Big Love, have I humiliated you in the last half hour? JEFFREY COLE: [apprehensive] No. GREG HOUSE: Check your email. [He walks off, leaving Cole to wonder what bigoted mail he might have sent. He follows the others.] CUT TO: [Hospital Cafeteria. Day. House stands at the counter, choosing his lunch. Cameron walks up to him.] ALLISON CAMERON: How's it going? GREG HOUSE: Great. The only way he could turn any more cheeks is by pulling down his pants. ALLISON CAMERON: [takes an apple] He's not a wuss. It takes a lot more strength... GREG HOUSE: Hey, we didn't bet on how strong he was. ALLISON CAMERON: So you're gonna collect a hundred dollars and fre him because he has principles? [takes a bite out of the apple] GREG HOUSE: What's your agenda here? Obviously don't care about the hundred. ALLISON CAMERON: He's a decent, smart... GREG HOUSE: You don't care about the team. ALLISON CAMERON: Does it annoy Wilson when you ask questions and ignore the answers? GREG HOUSE: Very much. You only care about who I hire and who I fre, 'cause you miss going through my mail. You can't stop controlling me. ALLISON CAMERON: [chuckles] No one controls you. GREG HOUSE: Want your job back? ALLISON CAMERON: [right-away] No. GREG HOUSE: Too bad. You can't have it. [They reach the cashier.] GREG HOUSE: [points at Cameron] She'll take care of this. [Her mouth full of apple, Cameron looks non-plussed.] GREG HOUSE: You can take it out of the $100 you're gonna owe me. [He walks off with his tray. With a wry smile, Cameron reaches into her pocket for money.] CUT TO: [Dr. Brady's Office. Day. Foreman sits for an interview at another hospital, this time with Dr. Brady as his interviewer.] DR. BRADY: [leaning back, reading Foreman's résumé] I met House at a conference about five years ago. He's quite a character. ERIC FOREMAN: Yes, he is. DR. BRADY: Probably one of the best medical minds of our generation. ERIC FOREMAN: I agree. I-I learned an awful lot from him. DR. BRADY: I'll bet you did. I see here you just did a stint at Mercy. Great. It says here "'07 to present." How long were you there? ERIC FOREMAN: About a month. Dr. Schaffer was great, but just wasn't the right fit. DR. BRADY: Wait, was that you with Dr. Schaffer and the lymphoma patient? ERIC FOREMAN: It was, uh, it was a tough situation. I probably could've handled it better. DR. BRADY: [sits upright] No. Dr. Schaffer's got a stick up her rear. Good for you. What made you so sure it was lymphoma? ERIC FOREMAN: There was an unusual lactic acid level in one of her labs. I had a similar case a few months ago. DR. BRADY: [really impressed] Beautiful. God, I wish I had your stones. ERIC FOREMAN: [chuckles] Well, my stones are on the market. DR. BRADY: No, I mean, seriously, I wish I had your stones. Then I could cram you down the board of directors. [Foreman frowns nervously.] DR. BRADY: But I don't. I'm sorry, man. Good luck. [He hands Foreman his résumé back. Foreman looks disappointed.] CUT TO: [Procedure room. Day. As part of the retinal test, Irene has contact lenses (connected with wires) in her eyes. She looks into the machine. "Thirteen" and Amber conduct the test. Connie stands nearby (visible only to her daughter.] "THIRTEEN": When your retina sees something, they send electrical signals to your brain. These lenses will pick up those signals. AMBER VOLAKIS: If the signals are misfiring, it'll confirm that an old man without a medical license is smarter than all of us. That your hallucinations were caused by... IRENE WALESA: [stoically] They're not hallucinations. Tell her, mom. CONNIE WALESA: [stroking Irene's hair] Honey, they're doctors. They must know what they're doing. IRENE WALESA: If they know what they're doing, how'd they kll that poor man's dog? ["Thirteen" looks up and walks aside. Amber follows to bait her.] AMBER VOLAKIS: C'mon, this has got to be freaking you out a little bit. "THIRTEEN": I appreciate your concern. AMBER VOLAKIS: There's nothing to be ashamed of here. If the ghost of a man you klled doesn't screw with your head, there's something wrong with your head. ["Thirteen" tries to proceed, but sees a blue dog collar (with a blue metallic bone with a bite taken from it). She picks it up.] AMBER VOLAKIS: [acts scared, shrinks back] See, that freaks me out. "THIRTEEN": [rationalizing] Someone must've left it in here. AMBER VOLAKIS: Oh, absolutely. That makes sense. The dog was in here getting his eyes checked and forgot to put his jewelry back on. ["Thirteen" looks accusingly at her.] IRENE WALESA: This isn't working. You're just making me sicker like he said you... [She gags. The two fellows go to her. She leans back in her chair in pain.] "THIRTEEN": What's wrong? IRENE WALESA: [in agony] My stomach, it hurts. [Suddenly, she lurches forward and throws up blood on the floor. Her mother is frightened. Amber goes to the phone.] AMBER VOLAKIS: [into phone] Code in the eye lab. "THIRTEEN": Lean forward, Irene. You're gonna aspirate. IRENE WALESA: I can't. It hurts. [crying] Why won't you help me? ["Thirteen" looks shocked at the accusation. Irene starts to cry out more in pain.] CUT TO: [Aerial view of PPTH. Day.] CUT TO: [Operating Room. Day. Irene lies unconscious in the OR, her stomach open, while Dr. Robert Chase operates on her, trying to curb the internal bleeding. Cole assists.] ROBERT CHASE: Spleen's ripe to bursting. You guys thought it was vasculitis? [They continue the surgery.] JEFFREY COLE: You used to be on House's team, right? ROBERT CHASE: Yeah. There's a lot of blood in here. Sponge. [Cole hands him a sponge. Chase dabs it on the blood to clean some of it away.] JEFFREY COLE: You got any advice for me? ROBERT CHASE: Nope. JEFFREY COLE: You always put up with this crap? ROBERT CHASE: Yep. JEFFREY COLE: [softly] Was it a mistake? ROBERT CHASE: It was irrelevant. JEFFREY COLE: He fired you. ROBERT CHASE: He'll fre you either way... eventually. JEFFREY COLE: Dr. Cameron told me... ROBERT CHASE: Don't wanna know. JEFFREY COLE: Why not? ROBERT CHASE: 'Cause... House is watching. [Cole frowns quizzically.] ROBERT CHASE: Not a metaphor. Look up. [Wide-eyed, Cole looks up at the Observation Deck of the OR, to see House glowering at them. Using his cane, he hits the intercom button.] GREG HOUSE: [over intercom] You guys gonna sht the breeze or you gonna do something about all that bleeding? ROBERT CHASE: That's not coming from the spleen. It's the liver. JEFFREY COLE: It's necrotic. ROBERT CHASE: She's dying from the inside out. [Chase and Cole exchange looks. House watches somberly.] CUT TO: [Diagnostics Office. Day. House adds "ENLARGED SPLEEN, NECROTIC LIVER" to the previous symptoms on the whiteboard. His fellows sit at the glass table.] CHRIS TAUB: Enlarged spleen and liver failure are classic AIP. It's porphyria and it's moving fast. HENRY DOBSON: [disagreeing] PBGs were negative. If you read the report... CHRIS TAUB: [arguing] PBG tests are only conclusive if done during an attck, which you would know if you were a real doctor. [House watches the exchange and smiles.] GREG HOUSE: That is just great. HENRY DOBSON: What is? CHRIS TAUB: Which one of us is? GREG HOUSE: Both of you. Together. Fighting. Passionate to prove the other one wrong. Couldn't care less about the patient, but it all works out the same. AMBER VOLAKIS: [butts in] I hate "Thirteen". GREG HOUSE: Not as productively. Continue. ["Thirteen" smiles.] HENRY DOBSON: It could still be vascular. CHRIS TAUB: [pressing his temples in frustration] Vasculitis is off the board. Steroid treatment didn't help. HENRY DOBSON: Vascular isn't just vasculitis. Something's gotta be cutting off the blood supply to her liver and spleen. GREG HOUSE: Do a visceral angiogram. CHRIS TAUB: [stands and approaches House] This is a joke, right? He can't be right every single time. You're feeding him your ideas just to embarrass us. GREG HOUSE: If I wanted to embarrass you, I'd... have you mop up the doctor's lounge. [The others smile, while Taub stands embarrassed.] CUT TO: [Irene's Room. Night. While Connie counts her prayer beads, Cole injects the dye into Irene, who's unconscious. Brennan stands nearby. Cole presses a switch, bringing up the angiogram results on the monitor. He starts to wipe his hands. He sees a crucifix on Irene's neck. She stirs awake, her eyes yellow. Cole leans towards Irene.] JEFFREY COLE: [whispering] Heavenly father, I pray thee that Thou shalt give the Holy Ghost unto all them that shall believe in Thy words. [Unknown to him, she slowly moves her hand towards his crotch. Suddenly, she gropes him.] JEFFREY COLE: [scandalized, withdraws] Irene. What are you doing? IRENE WALESA: I need to touch it. TRAVIS BRENNAN: [advances to hold her down] Irene, put your hand down. IRENE WALESA: [yelling out] No, give it to me! I want it! Give it to me! [They try to restrain her as she struggles more.] CUT TO: [House's Office. Day. House sits at his desk. The fellows enter.] GREG HOUSE: What'd the angio say? JEFFREY COLE: Couldn't finish. She started groping me. GREG HOUSE: You couldn't let her get to second base just to get the test done? LAWRENCE KUTNER: I think that's third base. TRAVIS BRENNAN: She was convulsing, delirious, and hyper-salivating. We had to knock her out with lorazepam. GREG HOUSE: Well, it's definitely not vascular. JEFFREY COLE: What do you want us to do? GREG HOUSE: [leans back in his chair] Question is what would Joseph Smith do? JEFFREY COLE: This isn't the time for... GREG HOUSE: Casting out the demons? JEFFREY COLE: [arguing] The patient's not possessed, she's dying. You can mock me tomorrow. [House stands and walks over to Cole.] GREG HOUSE: You believe that the Book has all the answers. JEFFREY COLE: [humoring him] To morality, not science! GREG HOUSE: But the book is inconsistent with science. You know how many epileptics were tortured because they were possessed? How many teenage witches were stoned to death 'cause they took mushrooms? JEFFREY COLE: [barely restraining himself] Just shut up already! We got a patient dying! [Cole walks away, looking away from House.] GREG HOUSE: Either got to prescribe an exorcism or admit to me that Smith was a horny fraud. [That's all Cole can take. He pivots round and punches House in the mouth. House slams into a cabinet, but stays upright. The others restrain Cole. House's bottom lip is bleeding. The others are startled. Cole sighs, expecting to be fired. Amber has an epiphany.] AMBER VOLAKIS: I know what she has. [The others look at her.] GREG HOUSE: You couldn't have spoken up ten seconds ago? You coulda saved me a hundred bucks. AMBER VOLAKIS: [beaming] Mushrooms weren't the only thing that got people stoned to death. Jimson weed, belladonna, mandrake root, and... moldy bread. It's Ergot poisoning. "THIRTEEN": You'd need damp grain that had been... JEFFREY COLE: ... completely unprocessed and untreated like what's in that organic rye bread she's been eating. [to House] Should I be going home? GREG HOUSE: Is it six o'clock? AMBER VOLAKIS: It's why she got worse on the bromocriptine. It's an ergot derivative. TRAVIS BRENNAN: There hasn't been a case in fifty years. AMBER VOLAKIS: She kept asking for milk. Dairy products counteract the effects. "THIRTEEN": You think she knew what she had and was treating it? AMBER VOLAKIS: Cravings based on actual needs. It's a fairly common evolutionary development. [House thinks about it and turns to Cole.] GREG HOUSE: You okay with an answer based on evolution? JEFFREY COLE: [uncertainly] Yeah. GREG HOUSE: Hypocrite. [He walks past him.] CUT TO: [Irene's Room. Day. Amber and "Thirteen" explain the affliction to Irene, while Connie sits next to her on the bed.] AMBER VOLAKIS: It's the stuff they make LSD from. The treatment you're on should... IRENE WALESA: So I've just been... tripping? "THIRTEEN": It explains the hallucinations, seizures, delusions. Constricts the blood vessels, which explains the necrosis. [Irene looks down mournfully. She turns to where Connie sits.] IRENE WALESA: She's not here? [Connie shakes her head sadly. Irene looks at the two fellows.] "THIRTEEN": [sympathetically] I'm sorry. No. [Irene nods her head sadly.] AMBER VOLAKIS: The fact that you're even willing to accept that answer means the medicine is starting to work. [Irene nods and looks at her mother. Connie gently strokes her head.] CONNIE WALESA: But you'll live. You're beautiful, Reena. IRENE WALESA: [tearfully] You too, mama. ["Thirteen" watches emotionally. Connie removes her crucifix pendant from around her neck and places it over Irene's one. They merge together (basically, Irene is actually wearing Connie's crucifix). Connie strokes Irene's hair lovingly. They look at each other.] IRENE WALESA: [choking] I'm going to miss you. [Connie smiles sadly.] IRENE WALESA: [softly] Mama. [But this time, she does not see her anymore. She strokes her pendant and looks outside, where it's raining heavily.] CUT TO: [Hospital Auditorium. Night. The fellows are now sitting facing the back entrance where House has been entering from all the time. The front entrance opens and House enters, carrying a bunch of flowers. The fellows quickly turn their seats around to face him, as he walks to the desk.] GREG HOUSE: As you know, there are seven of you and... [counts the flowers and dumps a few of them] only six roses. LAWRENCE KUTNER: Those are peonies. [House throws him a thr*at look.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: But I'm sure they're part of the rose family. [smiles] GREG HOUSE: Actually, I'm surprised there are seven of you. [to Cole] You punch your boss and stick around? [Cole sits calmly in his seat.] JEFFREY COLE: [coolly] Gimme the flower and shut up. [House hands him a peony.] GREG HOUSE: Don't overdo it. [to the rest] Now I would love to keep all of you. But not enough to do anything about it. So according to my arbitrary schedule, one of you has to go. [He starts to look at the other fellows with a dramatic look. Kutner looks scared, Brennan looks down. House looks at Dobson and Taub, then "Thirteen". Amber smiles at "Thirteen"'s discomfort. House starts to look around again and then settles on Amber.] AMBER VOLAKIS: [chuckles uneasily] You're kidding. [House only keeps looking at her.] AMBER VOLAKIS: [jumps up from her seat, angry] I came up with the answer. I robbed a grave. I... "THIRTEEN": ... planted a dog collar in the procedure room just to screw with my head. AMBER VOLAKIS: [to House] No, I never... [House hands her a peony. She shuts up.] "THIRTEEN": What, you don't believe she did it? GREG HOUSE: I'm sure she did it. That's why she's getting the flower. It was beautiful. [Amber smiles and sits.] GREG HOUSE: She just overreached. She got into your head. "THIRTEEN": No. I... [Amber smiles cockily at "Thirteen".] GREG HOUSE: She owned you. Planting the idea was good. Letting it fester was good. Leaving the collar was stupid. Well known fact, ghosts don't leave things lying around. "THIRTEEN": So am I gone then? [House walks up to her and hands her a peony. She takes it rather coyly. Amber doesn't seem happy. Cole and "Thirteen" bump peonies. House turns to the others and reacts as if surprised.] GREG HOUSE: Oh, my goodness. I'd totally forgotten about you two. Well played. [He hands peonies to Kutner and Brennan. Brennan, betraying his anxiety, jumps for the peony, and fumbles for it. He and Kutner bump fists in relief. That brings us to the last peony. House stands in front of Dobson and Taub, swaying the flower. Dobson doesn't look too stressed. Taub, on the other hand, seems resigned to being fired. Finally...] GREG HOUSE: Sorry, Henry. [Dobson smiles sportingly. Taub seems surprised.] GREG HOUSE: We had some giggles. [House hands the peony to Taub, who's still confused.] CHRIS TAUB: You agreed with everything he said. You finished each other's sentences. HENRY DOBSON: That's why I gotta go. Don't need someone to tell you what you're already thinking. GREG HOUSE: Funny, I was gonna say that. [Dobson smirks.] GREG HOUSE: If you want to hang out... HENRY DOBSON: [standing] Yeah, I know. Um, call Wilson. [House smiles at him.] GREG HOUSE: Rest of you, eight o'clock tomorrow. [He walks out. Dobson, though disappointed, keeps smiling and nods. He and Taub exchange pleasant looks.] CUT TO: [Hospital Hallways. Night. House, on his way out, is approached by a triumphant Cameron.] ALLISON CAMERON: Cash will be fine. GREG HOUSE: [getting the money] I bet you say that to all the guys. [He takes out a hundred and hands it to her.] GREG HOUSE: Take your blood money. [She yanks it from his hand and smilingly puts it in her pocket.] GREG HOUSE: Who are you gonna protect next? ALLISON CAMERON: If I told you, it wouldn't work. [Victoriously, she walks away. A clap of thunder is heard. House limps away.] CUT TO: [Cuddy's Office. Night. The thunderstorm continues outside. Cuddy sits at her desk. The door opens and Foreman enters.] ERIC FOREMAN: I've rethought some things. LISA CUDDY: Glad to hear it. ERIC FOREMAN: I'm prepared to come back on a number of conditions. I want the raise you promised, plus five percent. I want my own office and a personal assistant. LISA CUDDY: It's not unreasonable. [Foreman smiles.] LISA CUDDY: I will give you... none of those. [smiles] You can come back at your original salary. ERIC FOREMAN: [frowns confused] What's going on? LISA CUDDY: You haven't rethought anything. You've just been blackballed. You're "House Lite" now. The only administrator that will touch you is the one who hired "House Classic". [almost enjoying this] Good news is, she'll pretend she's not doing you a favor. [Foreman looks defeated.] ERIC FOREMAN: I can start Monday.	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x04 - Guardian Angels"}	foreverdreaming
[Opens to a dark alley where two young guys are hiding.] GUY 1: Grandma's got some cash, we can steal that. GUY 2: What kind of creep are you? We steal from strangers. GUY 1: Yeah, grandma's not going to call the cops. GUY 2: Look... Either you start doing this, or you get a job. [Turns and sees a man walking out of a bar.] That guy. You're going to remember that guy for the rest of your life. [They quickly walk up to the man.] GUY 1: Hey, how you doing? [The man turns and looks at him and then continues walking.] I said, hey, give me all your cash! MAN: Why? Want to buy yourself a pretty dress, you little bitch? GUY 2: [Getting in the man's face.] He ain't kidding man. Where's your wallet? MAN: On your sister's nightstand. Forgot it after I paid her. [Guy 2 pull's out a Knfe and holds it up to the man's neck.] GUY 1: Woah, Tony! GUY 2/ TONY: You want to die tonight? I said where's your wallet? [The man starts coughing.] GUY 1: I think he's sick. Maybe you shouldn't... TONY: He's faking. Go in his pockets, grab his wallet. [Guy 1 does as he's told while the man continues to cough.] Good, lets go. [They start to run off, the man falls to he's knees struggling to breathe.] GUY 1: [Turns around.] You alright man? TONY: He's fine, he's faking it. [Tries to drag Guy 1 away but fails.] GUY 1: [Dials 911.] Yeah, I need an ambulance. At maple and fourth. It's a really sick guy. I think he got mugged. [Tony whacks him on the back of the head.] What? TONY: Are you happy? Let's go! [They run off.] [Cut to House and the six remaining numbers in the lecture theatre, House is writing on the blackboard.] HOUSE: Today, we are hunting for the cat burglar of diseases. Causes a healthy man's lungs to fail, leaves no fingerprints. COLE: Respiratory distress could be asthma. HOUSE: No hyperinflation on the X-Ray. KUTNER: Food allergy. Could have eaten shellfish or peanuts. HOUSE: No hives. No erythema on the skin. [Cuddy and Foreman walk in.] 13: Pulmonary embolism. HOUSE: Embolism's don't magically dissolve. [To Foreman.] What are you doing here? FOREMAN: Laryngospasm. [Everyone turns to look at him.] Frosty fall air hits his vocal chords, they spasm shut... Choke him out. HOUSE: Good idea. You've been tremendously helpful, you can leave. CUDDY: I just hired him. HOUSE: Well I fired him. To infinity. FOREMAN: [To Cuddy.] You didn't tell him I was coming back? HOUSE: She did, I said no. CUDDY: When your extended job interview slash reality TV show klled a patient you lost your veto power. Everybody, this is Dr. Foreman, he will... AMBER: Does this mean there's one less slot for us? [Everyone looks at House, House in turn looks at Cuddy. Everyone looks at Cuddy.] CUDDY: It's still Dr. House's department. He decides who stays, who goes... HOUSE: Foreman goes! CUDDY: But Dr. Foreman will be my eyes and ears. You do nothing without his knowledge. [Starts to leave.] HOUSE: Oh, uh, just in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls? [Foreman rolls his eyes and looks at Cuddy who smiles and leaves.] If you want to keep your jobs, that never happened. The only way to get the cat burglar is to catch him in the act. Give the patient a methacholine challenge, see if it sets off laryngospasm. BRENNAN: You want us to stop his breathing? HOUSE: Well, only until you can figure out why. After that it'd be irresponsible. [The numbers leave, Foreman stays.] You and I should talk. [Cut to House and Foreman walking down the corridor.] FOREMAN: I'm sorry, she didn't have to do that publicly. HOUSE: Yes she did! She had to establish her dominance in front of them, limit my power. FOREMAN: There's nothing we can do. HOUSE: Well, that's not the never say never Dr. Foreman I know. There's lots we can do. FOREMAN: Not really, Cuddy wont... HOUSE: I can make you miserable. FOREMAN: That's true. HOUSE: Until you quit, again. So why don't we just skip the middleman? FOREMAN: I'm not quitting. HOUSE: My god, not everything's about you, and your little job, and your little world. This is about restoring order in the universe. FOREMAN: I'm not quitting. HOUSE: You're going to be miserable. FOREMAN: I already am miserable. [Leaves.] [Cut to the patient running on a treadmill, Amber and Brennan are running the test.] AMBER: Cuddy obviously thinks we're idiots, she's not going to let House hire any one of us. BRENNAN: Tidal volume's holding at 1.2 litres. Increase the dose. AMBER: So which master do we serve? Whose ass do we have to kiss to get this job? BRENNAN: You really want this job so bad? How about you try doing this job? Double the dose to 16 milligrams per millilitre. PATIENT: [Spits out the tube in his mouth.] My foot's tingling. Is that normal? BRENNAN: [Talks into the microphone.] No. What exactly does it... PATIENT: And my stomach's klling me. Could this test cause that stuff? AMBER: [In the microphone.] No. [Cut to Chase in the nurses station handing a ticket to someone.] AMBER: Test was a bust. CHASE: Amber has moved down to even money. AMBER: We found two new symptoms. CHASE: Back to 2-1. AMBER: What's going on? KUTNER: You're the favourite. AMBER: House's? KUTNER: To get fired. CHASE: You can bet against yourself. Lovely parting gift. AMBER: What's the limit? CHASE: Isn't one. AMBER: 500 on Kutner. KUTNER: Oh, 1000 on Amber. AMBER: Do you take cheques? CHASE: No. [Cut to Foreman writing on the blackboard in the lecture theatre.] FOREMAN: How do we connect abdominal pain, and numbness in the extremities, with respiratory collapse? BRENNAN: Dissecting aortic aneurysm. FOREMAN: Doesn't cover all three. What else? [House walks in, everyone looks at him.] HOUSE: Carry on, he's the boss. [Sits down between 13 and Kutner.] TAUB: Uh, what about a spinal cord lesion? FOREMAN: Have to be in the brain stem and it still doesn't explain the lungs. HOUSE: Weird, though... That he's the boss. Didn't he quit recently? Was it a money issue? FOREMAN: Lungs, stomach, numbness? HOUSE: No that wasn't it, it was something else... Was it bling account? Med plan didn't cover tattoo removal? FOREMAN: We have to unify these symptoms. HOUSE: Oh! I remember. You didn't want to turn into me. Right? You didn't want to become evil. FOREMAN: Can we stick to the medicine here? HOUSE: Absolutely. I'm just flattered. In a few short weeks, seems like I've just turned towards the light. I mean... either that or you've sold your soul. FOREMAN: Multiple marantic emboli could... HOUSE: Get a raise? Cause then you're a whore. Or didn't you? Cause then you're a stupid whore. [House's pager goes off.] Patient just crashed. [Everyone just sits there.] Can they go boss? [Foreman nods. They run off.] FOREMAN: You're right. HOUSE: But? FOREMAN: No but. You're right about all of it. HOUSE: Well, then, I'll see you at the reunion. [Stands up to leave.] FOREMAN: It seems I didn't get out of here soon enough. The world thinks I've been corrupted, so no one will hire me. I hate being here. I'd love to quit... but I can't. [Foreman leaves.] [Cut to the numbers running up to the patient who is on the floor.] 13: He's got a pulse. KUTNER: Must be another respiratory collapse. Means this is our chance to prove laryngospasm. AMBER: We need to tube him and bag him. KUTNER: We will, right after we figure out... AMBER: If we just let him die, it doesn't matter what he has. KUTNER: Brennan tilt his head back so I can get a straight sht. AMBER: Ok while you're klling him... I'll get the intubation kit. [House walks up to Foreman who is watching the numbers.] HOUSE: I decided you're right. You're obviously in an impossible position. There's no point in me humiliating you. FOREMAN: Thanks. HOUSE: So I'm going to humiliate Cuddy, until she fires you. FOREMAN: Guy's faking. It's Munchausen's. You notice the EMT run sheet? [Hands a file to House.] Paramedic who brought him in is also named Martin Harris. HOUSE: Well [One of the numbers runs past.] If the name was Attila Von Weinerschnitzel, I'd say you might be on to something. FOREMAN: Look. [Points to the white board listing all the patients.] Room 406, abdominal pain. Room 403, left-sided numbness. 402, syncope. He's copying his neighbours' symptoms. HOUSE: [Studies the board.] No. FOREMAN: Yeah, coincidence is much more likely than you being a stubborn jerk. HOUSE: Munchausen's patients create symptoms, not names. FOREMAN: Munchausen's patients have medical histories they don't want us reading. TAUB: No laryngeal spasm. 13: Breathing's resumed normal rate. Without intubation. FOREMAN: See? Nothing's wrong with him. HOUSE: He's in a lab coat. Munchausen's pretend to be patients, not doctors. He's got mirror syndrome. FOREMAN: Giovannini's? HOUSE: Do you know another mirror syndrome? Brain's got no idea who he is, where he is or what he is. But it fills the holes with whatever dirt's lying around. He reads a name tag, he's got a name. Sees a doctor, he's got a job. Sees symptoms, he's got a problem. FOREMAN: My explanation's simpler. HOUSE: Well if it's simple, then we discharge the nut bar. But if it's complicated, then the nut bar has got brain damage. FOREMAN: So we let him jerk them around for a few days until we're sure? HOUSE: No, we let him jerk you around. There's a faster way. [Cut to House entering the OR in scrubs with the patient, also in scrubs.] HOUSE: Mind if we play through? WILSON: Sure, what could possibly go wrong? HOUSE: What's going on here Martin? PATIENT: Operation? WILSON: House, who is this guy? HOUSE: Excellent question. Who are you Martin? [Patient opens his mouth to talk but says nothing.] He just likes to watch, do stuff. WILSON: Number ten scalpel for initial incision. Glad you're here, House. HOUSE: Of course you are. [To the patient.] It's lecture time. WILSON: Yeah, it is. Stop worrying about the power play. HOUSE: Was that it? I think you can go a lot deeper here. I mean, WHY am I so obsessed by all of this? WILSON: You're thrat by Foreman and feel the need to impress Cuddy. The only thing that's relevant is Foreman is a good doctor. He can help you, lighten the load. HOUSE: Good idea. I'll have him sort my mail. PATIENT: Sure! Deflect. WILSON: Who is this guy?! HOUSE: I think we just found out. PATIENT: It's all about Cuddy. Got to be the alpha dog. [House smiles.] Can almost smell the pheromones now, huh? WILSON: I like him. PATIENT: Hah. HOUSE: [Looks up at Foreman in the Observation room as the patient grabs a scalpel.] Told you I didn't need you. FOREMAN: House! [House stops the patient just before he starts operating on the person. House notices something wrong with the patients hand and pulls off the glove. The hand looks freaky, can see all the veins through the skin.] WILSON: House what is going on? HOUSE: [Cuts the patients hand with a scalpel, it barely bleeds.] Your blood's turned to sludge. If we don't heat you up, you're going to die. [Looks up at Foreman.] Can't fake that! [Cut to House followed by Foreman and the numbers exiting the elevator.] HOUSE: Mirror syndrome patients have no agenda, no axe to grind. They can read you because they have to. Moods, attitudes, everything. They're like mind readers. Except they can read your mind. FOREMAN: Where are we going? HOUSE: Unfortunately, we have to cure him. His hand wasn't black when he came in, the operating room was sterile, the only thing different was the temperature. Cold agglutinins means... AMBER: It's got to be some kind of infection. COLE: No fever, so it's got to be a tiny infection, hard to find. HOUSE: You'd better find it fast. This guy feels another cool breeze, his blood turns to slop and he drops. [Walks into the cafeteria.] I need three ways to pinpoint infection. KUTNER: Blood cultures. HOUSE: Blood's clumpy. Nothing you can do with it. KUTNER: Unless we soak him in warm water before we draw it. HOUSE: Good, what else? TAUB: Ultrasound his abdomen, look for an abscess. HOUSE: Good. [House stands on a chair.] Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have a regrettable announcement. Kitchen has just learned that our annual shipment of mayonnaise was improperly stored, so anybody who ate... well, the food, should head across the lobby to the clinic right away. Ask for Dr. Cuddy. [Everyone starts to leave.] FOREMAN: You're not punishing Cuddy, you're punishing every doctor in the building. HOUSE: It's her building, her doctors. Still need one more. COLE: Well we need to find out his history. Where he's been, what he's done. BRENNAN: Yeah he has not memory, but his bio's tattooed to his rear? FOREMAN: [Gets up on the chair.] The mayo is fine. You can stay where you are. I'm a doctor. HOUSE: Mail order. I've seen the diplomas. Two N's in university. [Everyone continues to leave.] Big love was right. History's the key. BRENNAN: No ID, no wallet. No missing persons report filed for a hundred miles. HOUSE: The key is the key. He had car keys in his pocket when he was admitted. [To Amber.] Keep him in the isolation room, so he doesn't pick up extreme bitch syndrome from one of the nurses. [To 13.] Run the ultrasound [To Taub.] and the blood cultures. KUTNER: The cultures were my idea. HOUSE: No one's keeping score... You're losing. [To Cole.] Search the street where he was mugged, find the car and the registration. COLE: There could be thousands of cars. Why do I get this assignment? HOUSE: Because if you deal with the patient, he's going to wind up singing Osmond songs and proposing to five nurses at once. 13: I'll go with Cole. HOUSE: Ooh. We have a love connection. [House leaves.] [Cut to Amber with the patient in ICU.] AMBER: Make a fist... Little pinch. [Starts to draw blood.] PATIENT: Wow that's a strong pinch. AMBER: This thing works, you're lucky you've got me. My colleague wanted to cook you in boiling water. [Pulls out the vial of blood and looks at it.] PATIENT: That's right, baby. My blood's that good. AMBER: That's supposed to be me, right? PATIENT: No. That's me. I'm always right. Got to be. AMBER: I don't think I'm always... PATIENT: If they don't like you, you got to be right, or you're not worth anything. [Cut to Taub doing an ultrasound.] TAUB: Infections can hide deep beneath the skin. This will find them. PATIENT: Who was that last doctor? TAUB: Dr. Amber Volakis. PATIENT: Don't really need her name. TAUB: [Smiles, looks at the screen then back at the patient.] Wait. You saying that... You... I want her? PATIENT: Don't know what you want. Don't care what you want. TAUB: I'm married. PATIENT: So am I. TAUB: Even if I wasn't, She's a little too,uh... aggressive for me. PATIENT: Hey. Aggressive is never a bad thing. TAUB: [Smiles.] Yeah, true. [Patient laughs and gives Taub a high five. Taub sees something on the screen.] I'm done. PATIENT: You ok? TAUB: Yeah. We've got to run some more tests. You can clean yourself up. [Hands him a cloth.] [Cut to House and Wilson exiting the elevator.] WILSON: Lesion on the liver. Cystic or solid? HOUSE: Solid. WILSON: Well, you certainly did the right thing by coming to me. HOUSE: Yes I needed a smug oncologist... WILSON: An authoritative oncologist. HOUSE: I hate you. Tell me why. WILSON: I've been scanning literature, very interesting study in Sweden. Apparently, Giovannini's patients mimic whoever they think's in charge. HOUSE: Any country with that low an age of consent and that high a rate of su1c1de isn't thinking straight. WILSON: I am in charge of our relationship. HOUSE: It was a surgery. You were the surgeon. In that setting... WILSON: You would pick up my laundry if I asked you to. HOUSE: Go ahead, ask. WILSON: Oh, I wouldn't do that to you. [They walk into the lecture theatre which is empty. On the whiteboard is Clinic written backwards.] [Cut to House entering the Clinic which is very busy.] HOUSE: I want all my personal private doctors back right now. Except for Foreman. CUDDY: Your team, Foreman included, is dealing with the great mayonnaise panic of 2007. Frankly, I'm worried it might spread to other continents. [House goes looking for his team, opens exam room one where Kutner is examining a woman.] HOUSE: Lesion on the liver. Possibility... Why are you doing a pelvic for food poisoning? KUTNER: She said her hoo hoo brned. [House leaves and opens exam room two, Amber is examining an old guy with his shirt off.] HOUSE: Lesion on the liver, ideas? AMBER: Start with a biopsy to rule out cancer. KUTNER: [From the other room.] Could be an abscess. AMBER: Needle works for that too. BRENNAN: [Walking past.] Unless it's a vascular hemangioma. Aspirate that, he'll bleed out, we'll kll him. HOUSE: If he bleeds out we'll know what he had. AMBER: Had? HOUSE: Two diagnoses out of three he lives. We do nothing three out of three he dies. [To Brennan.] Go stick his liver. TAUB: Where's Foreman? We should... HOUSE: You need him to draft your letter of resignation? TAUB: You risking our patient's life to get back at Cuddy? HOUSE: What? No, that would be childish. This is what I'm doing to get back at Cuddy. [Turns around to the clinic full of people.] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? [A bunch of people stick up their hand.] Michael Moore was right. MRI's, pet scans, neuro-psych test, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power! [Cut to Brennan sticking a large needle into the patient.] BRENNAN: Sorry, I missed. [Pulls the needle back out.] I have to reposition the needle. You're going to feel another pinch. [Patient groans.] You still with me? PATIENT: I'm here. BRENNAN: You felling faint? PATIENT: No. BRENNAN: What's wrong? PATIENT: It's personal. BRENNAN: [Raises his eyebrows.] You got personal problems? You've got no memory. PATIENT: I'm in a hospital. I don't want to be in a hospital. [Brennan sticks the needle back in.] BRENNAN: Well... you're sick, so... PATIENT: I'm bored. You ask what's wrong, then you ignore the answer, just go on with what you're doing. You think everything's okay as long as you don't think about it, don't deal with it. [Brennan stares at the fluid in the syringe.] Is that blood? BRENNAN: I think it's pus from a fungus. PATIENT: I have fungus in me? BRENNAN: If you've been in the tropics in the last few months. I saw this in tsunami survivors. Their skin grafts would ooze black pus sometimes weeks later. Traced the fungus back to the sand in the tsunami tides. PATIENT: [Impressed.] That's so cool. [Cut to Brennan in House's office.] BRENNAN: I think the black pus is fungal. If I'm right, that's where the cold agglutinins are coming from, that's what's driving his memory loss. Amber's putting him on amphotericin, it will cure him. HOUSE: This makes no sense. BRENNAN: I'm doing blood tests to be sure, but the sooner we get him on... HOUSE: I'm not talking about the infection. I'm talking about you letting Tonya Harding administer the treatment. BRENNAN: I'm out of the game. HOUSE: Why? BRENNAN: A couple of weeks ago you named me grumpy, said I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be back in the third world. HOUSE: And you realised I'm right just now? BRENNAN: I got a confirmation. HOUSE: The patient's nuts. BRENNAN: The patient's... unbiased. The patient has no axe to grind. HOUSE: The patient is nuts. BRENNAN: I miss my old life helping people who barely have clean water, let alone the kind of medicines we waste by the SUV load. HOUSE: You're nuts. You're going to be miserable, at home, at work, somewhere. The goal in life is not to eliminate misery, it's to keep misery to the minimum. BRENNAN: Oh, that's inspiring. HOUSE: You said you came back to get married. What does your fiancée do? BRENNAN: She's a court reporter. HOUSE: Uh-huh, well I'm sure Thailand will have courts any day now. Someone's going to be miserable sometime. Accept it. It's how I stay so happy. BRENNAN: Why do you care if I stay? HOUSE: You're good. Don't screw it up just because you're miserable. BRENNAN: I'm going to stay until the patient's cured. Which should be in about... an hour. [Leaves.] [Cut to Kutner and Amber with the patient.] KUTNER: You okay? PATIENT: Not okay. AMBER: Which one of us is he mirroring? KUTNER: Well if it was you, he'd be inflicting pain on someone else, so... [Pulls the sheets off his bed. The patients legs look like his hand did earlier in the OR.] I'd say he's mimicking whichever one of us happens to be dying. [Patient groans.] [Cut to view of patient sitting in a hot tub, then to everyone in the lecture theatre.] KUTNER: Heating blanket wasn't keeping him warm enough. Ordered a whirlpool, got his blood flowing. So far, it's keeping his rash at bay. HOUSE: Rash worse equals cold agglutinins worse. Means what was in his liver wasn't fungus. BRENNAN: Yeah, labs confirmed... AMBER: That it wasn't even pus, it was just coagulated blood caused by the cold agglutinins. HOUSE: Which you [Points at Brennan] mistook for a cool fungus that you saw after the tsunami. BRENNAN: Same consistency... HOUSE: You saw what you wanted to see, not what was there. Wait a second. Didn't you quit? BRENNAN: I spoke to my fiancée, I'm staying. HOUSE: Of course you are. Because you're the exact right amount of miserable. FOREMAN: Broad spectrum antibiotics aren't working. It's got to be viral or exotic bacteria. TAUB: There are a thousand microbes it could be. KUTNER: We could repeat all the cultures, maybe we just missed it. HOUSE: Or... we can get an accurate history. [Dials a number on his phone.] [We see 13 and Cole standing outside a car impound. Two dogs are standing on the other side of the fence barking at them. Cole is hiding pills in some mince. 13 answers the phone.] 13: We're working on it. HOUSE: Well that'll be a good solace to the widow X. 13: His car was towed and the tow gate's locked. The guys must be out on a run. HOUSE: That's why I sent two of you. One of you breaks in, the other posts bail. 13: Getting arrested is not what I'm worried about. HOUSE: Not a problem. You know how to kll dogs right? [They both hang up, Cole throws the meat over the fence, the dogs run after it. Cut back to the lecture theatre.] FOREMAN: So, back to repeating all the cultures. HOUSE: Or... we get an accurate history. TAUB: Didn't we just rule out that possibility? HOUSE: You guys ever heard any of my metaphors yet? Come on. [Sits down on the edge of the desk.] Sit on grandpa's lap as I tell you how infections are criminals, the immune system's the police... Seriously, grumpy, get up here. [Pats the desk beside him.] It'll make us both happy. [Brennan looks unsure of whether to go or not but stays put.] Anyway, cops don't just let crooks run free. They keep fingerprints, mug shts. The immune system does the same thing, only it calls them antibodies. We find out what diseases he's had in his life, good chance that'll tell us where he's been in his life. Alice. [Points to Kutner.] Your turn through the looking glass. Draw blood and CSF. [The fellows all start to leave.] FOREMAN: Wait, guys. I haven't signed off on this. [Everyone stops, looks at Foreman, then looks at House, who is ignoring them, then they leave, except for Taub who walks up to Foreman.] TAUB: You seem like a good guy, Cuddy seems decent. House... doesn't. It means either you're going to give in, or Cuddy is. Either way... I'm sorry. [Leaves.] [Cut to Cameron pulling a bllet out of someone's thigh in ER.] FOREMAN: Your boyfriend has me at even odds. CAMERON: So... Talk to him. FOREMAN: I did. He said he's just responding to market forces. CAMERON: He is. I got a hundred on you. [Foreman rolls his eyes and starts to walk away.] What do you care what other people are betting on? FOREMAN: If he's trying to screw with me because he's jealous Cuddy didn't ask him to take this job... CAMERON: Right. You're figuring he's jealous of your misery. FOREMAN: He's messed up enough to... CAMERON: The problem is you're not miserable. FOREMAN: Then House has been wasting a lot of time. CAMERON: You've been humiliated, treated like crap. You've every right to be miserable, but you're not, because even though this job is insane and House is insane, you like it. You always have. FOREMAN: You know what's worse than a sanctimonious speech? A sanctimonious speech that's dad wrong. CAMERON: See? You belong with House. [Cut to Kutner sticking a needle into the patients back who is in a hot tub.] KUTNER: We're going to use your spinal fluid to tell us where you lived. PATIENT: Cool. KUTNER: Not really. It's a poor substitute for an actual history, and without... PATIENT: Nah, it's cool. KUTNER: [Smiles.] Yes, it is. I need you to stay as still as possible. Ignore the pain. PATIENT: Bring the pain. [Grimaces.] KUTNER: I'm not a masochist. PATIENT: Either am I. KUTNER: I know, but I was responding to you responding to... Never mind. I just like experience. If it's new, it's interesting. PATIENT: Yeah? Not me. I don't just like new. I've got to have new. If it's not there, I make it there. KUTNER: Really, I'm just easily bored. PATIENT: There are 300 million people in this country. If I'm doing exactly what everyone else is doing, then who the hell am I? You know what I mean? KUTNER: I'm just about finished. PATIENT: I like hot tubs. They're nice. [Cut to Cuddy in House's office looking for House's Vicodin stash, Wilson walks in and makes her jump.] CUDDY: You don't knock? WILSON: Are you putting KY jelly on his phone receiver? An exploding snake in his drawer? CUDDY: No. I'm replacing his Vicodin stash with laxatives. WILSON: Don't. Don't stoop to his level. CUDDY: Why? Because he's suddenly going to realise he's no longer 14? Either I take his garbage forever, or I give him a reason to stop. WILSON: You don't have to make him miserable. Just... make him think that he's won. CUDDY: I'm not going to fre Foreman. WILSON: I said THINK he's won. Find some other way to soothe his ego. The thing's big enough. You must be able to find some corner to polish. CUDDY: [Putting away the pills.] Where were you two hours ago? WILSON: Where were you? [Cut to sound of toilet flushing and House walking out of the toilet. Brennan and Foreman are waiting for him.] HOUSE: What do you have? BRENNAN: High titers to histoplasmosis. HOUSE: Probably lived in the Ohio river valley. BRENNAN: Also weakly positive on coccidiomycosis. HOUSE: Weak means older. Means he moved to Ohio from the San Joaquin valley. FOREMAN: Or he happened to visit California. BRENNAN: He's also positive for chagas disease. HOUSE: Central America. FOREMAN: Or he kissed his maid from El Salvador. Or he sat next to someone from Belize on a flight to Weehawken or he ate lettuce from Honduras... HOUSE: Yes! You're right, buzz kll. This tells us next to nothing. But since that's on the something side of nothing, thought we'd go with it. [Kutner walks up to House.] KUTNER: His rash is back. Hot tub isn't hot enough to keep his body warm. HOUSE: So we take his body out of the picture. Let's ht it from the inside. Lipopolysaccharide. [Kutner and Brennan leave to give the treatment, House quickly walks back to the toilet.] [Cut to Foreman standing outside the cubicle.] FOREMAN: LPS won't just give him a fever. He could ht 110, fry his brain. HOUSE: Or make him just toasty enough to keep his blood flowing free. Like my bowels. You smell that? Not going to get sweeter. FOREMAN: You nailed Brennan for seeing what he wanted to see. You're no different. HOUSE: But you are. You used to like this stuff. You left here because you didn't like what you were turning into. You like who you are now? You like been Cuddy's errand boy? [Flushes as Foreman leaves.] That was just a courtesy flush. I'm not actually done. [Cut to Cuddy and House in the hallway.] CUDDY: You want to induce a fever? HOUSE: Unless you're willing to don a white T-shirt and hop into the hot tub with him, I need another way to keep him warm, or he dies. CUDDY: You could maim him. HOUSE: I could cure him. CUDDY: I'm not letting you do it. HOUSE: You going to fre me? CUDDY: No. [House walks away.] HOUSE: Wait a second. What the hell was that? You were won over by my soaring rhetoric? I basically just thrat to hold my breath... You never intended to stop me. You just pretended to stop me, so you could pretend to fail to stop me, so you could stroke my ego. Uh-Uh. wr doesn't end till Foreman's gone. CUDDY: Foreman's not going anywhere. HOUSE: And... I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills? [Leaves Cuddy looking worried.] [Cut to Foreman with the patient who is still in the hot tub.] FOREMAN: If we can keep your fever up, we can get you back on dry land. You feeling okay? PATIENT: Surprisingly, yeah, I feel pretty good. FOREMAN: That's not the way fevers usually work. PATIENT: Nothing around here works the way it's supposed to work. FOREMAN: No kidding. PATIENT: You're giving me a fever. Doctors don't give people fevers. FOREMAN: It was necessary to keep your blood flowing. PATIENT: Yeah. It was necessary. And that was all that mattered. It's exciting, isn't it? FOREMAN: You're happy? PATIENT: [Laughs.] Why wouldn't I be? [Collapses. Monitors go off.] FOREMAN: Oh hey. [Feels for a pulse.] Hey, you with me? [Runs to the door.] I need help in here! [Two nurses, Taub and Kutner come running in.] V-fib. We've got to shock him. TAUB: Get him out of the water. KUTNER: How long's he been out? FOREMAN: Just a few seconds. [They pull him out of the tub and onto the bed and start trying to dry him.] KUTNER: He's dry enough. TAUB: Not yet! KUTNER: Dry faster. FOREMAN: Ten more seconds. KUTNER: He'll get brain damage, you need... FOREMAN: Kutner you'll... TAUB: Wait. KUTNER: He's dry enough. Clear. [Shocks the patient and goes flying backwards.] TAUB: [Feeling the patient for a pulse.] It worked. FOREMAN: For one of them. [Looks at Kutner who is unconscious on the floor.] [Cut to the lecture theatre.] TAUB: Cardiac arrest. We were able to shock him back to a normal sinus rhythm and Kutner nearly into a coma. HOUSE: So now you've electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fre. I like the dedication. KUTNER: Thank you. TAUB: It wasn't a compliment. HOUSE: Yeah, it was. The insult comes now. You're insane! You either have an aversion to towels, or you want pain. I think both. I'm thinking it goes back to high school gym... FOREMAN: Anybody think we should discuss which infection is causing the cold agglutinins before they stop his heart again? HOUSE: Sure, why not? TAUB: Until they find his car, we have to assume he's travelled to Ohio, California, Central America, and possibly Weehawken. AMBER: Nothing on the blood cultures. HOUSE: Do them again. Quadruple run time. [Everyone starts to get up.] FOREMAN: We know the infection is in his heart. We do a biopsy, we see polys, we got bacterial. Lymphs, we got viral. BRENNAN: He just had a heart attck. Ripping out a piece might kll him. FOREMAN: Yeah, yeah... We biopsy his toe instead! HOUSE: No! That's a terrible idea. Won't tell us anything. Biopsy his heart. Come on, I'll join you. [House and Foreman leave.] [Cut to House and Foreman in the elevator.] HOUSE: I got you a job. Mount Zion hospital in Boston. FOREMAN: They have a great diagnostics department. HOUSE: Gilchrist said he'd take you anyway. FOREMAN: That was... Very nice of you. HOUSE: Oh, god. Does everything have to be about you? It's simple math. I'm not going to back down. You're not going to back down. Cuddy's not going to back down. No one's going to be happy here. And Cuddy's going end up pregnant. [Elevator dings.] FOREMAN: What? [The exit the elevator.] HOUSE: Doesn't matter. FOREMAN: Are you saying? What does you having sex with... HOUSE: Starts Monday. I could help you pack. FOREMAN: I don't want the job. [House stops walking.] HOUSE: What? Why not? You're miserable. FOREMAN: Apparently not. HOUSE: Well, you're going to be. [Foreman smiles.] Are you smiling? FOREMAN: No. HOUSE: Do your own stupid biopsy. [Foreman smiles as he walks off.] [Cut to House entering his office where Cole and 13 are waiting for him.] 13: His name's Robert Elliot. He's from Hamilton, Ohio. COLE: Here's everything he had in his trunk and in his glove box. HOUSE: [Looks inside the box.] No need for the heart biopsy. I now know exactly who he is and what he has. You saved his life. COLE: Really? HOUSE: No, you idiot. It's vapour rub and lunch receipts. COLE: We have his name. We can find his doctor, get his medical records. HOUSE: It's 8:00 at night. The biopsy will be faster. Not fast enough to save him, but that's hardly the point. [13 and Cole start to leave.] Thirteen. [They both turn around.] [To Cole.] Is your name Thirteen? [Cole leaves.] Why did you volunteer to go street walking? 13: I thought I could help that way. HOUSE: A black Mormon could help that way. There's no reason for you to want to be there. Which means there's a reason you didn't want to be here. Didn't want to look in the mirror? [House leaves, 13 follows.] [Cut to House and 13 entering the patients room while Foreman is doing something.] HOUSE: Hi. Cuddy called. She needs you to iron her shirts. We'll take over. [Pushes 13 forward.] Go ahead. [Motions for Foreman to leave. He does so. 13 moves close to the patient while still putting her gloves on.] Talk to him. 13: Uh... you might feel a little tug when the catheter's in the heart. HOUSE: Come on. Make him feel comfortable. 13: I've done this procedure dozens of times. It's completely... PATIENT: My god. You are incredibly hot. HOUSE: I'm not here, deal with her. [13 smiles.] PATIENT: Are you an idiot? Do you not think she's hot? HOUSE: I'm not the alpha here. She is. She's my boss. 13: [Looking at the patient hand.] The rash is back. HOUSE: Increase the drip. If... you think that's the right thing to do. PATIENT: This is so frustrating. 13: I don't think that's me. [House leaves the room and walks over to Kutner.] HOUSE: Hey. Get in there, see how he's doing. KUTNER: You were just in there. HOUSE: Well, apparently, it's impossible to see anything else while I'm in there. I'm a blinding white hot light of power. [Cut back to 13 with the patient.] 13: Got it. Pink. Good size. Nice specimen. PATIENT: I'm scared. 13: It's ok, it's going to be ok. PATIENT: No. No, it's not. [Cut back to House and Kutner still outside the room.] HOUSE: No, I'm not interested in how he's doing. I'm interested in how she's doing. So get in there and tell me how he's doing. KUTNER: You think he'll mimic her if I'm in there with her? HOUSE: You're a powerful, dominating man, but who knows? KUTNER: So I'm going to get fired before her. HOUSE: Yes, you're going to get fired right now unless you get in there... [13 walks out.] 13: Nothing on the biopsy. HOUSE: And how is he? 13: His fever's at 106... HOUSE: I know. But how is he? Bitter? Sexually frustrated? 13: He's delightful. Loves the smell of freshly baked rhubarb pie and isn't afraid to love. Also, his rash is coming back. KUTNER: He needs the meds and the tub. Just to keep him sab. HOUSE: Fine. Soak him again. KUTNER: He'll be happy. Loves hot tubs. HOUSE: No, you love hot tubs. Find the rest of the gng, tell them to meet me at the lecture hall. KUTNER: [Mumbles.] Hate hot tubs. HOUSE: What did you say? KUTNER: I hate... HOUSE: He likes. Who else was in there? KUTNER: No-one. HOUSE: You didn't think to mention that? KUTNER: The guy likes warm, swirling water. I didn't know that was diagnostic. HOUSE: It's not. What it is, is the water ht him and he had a thought. Not about you, but about him. We need to splash him some more. [Cut to House walking in to the patients room dressed in the patients clothes, polished leather shoes, brown pants, a sports jacket. Hair brushed, no cane. Twirling the patients car keys and carrying the box of stuff they got from his car.] PATIENT: Do I know you? HOUSE: You look familiar. PATIENT: You too. HOUSE: My name's Robert Elliot. I'm from Hamilton Ohio. PATIENT: Me too. What do you do? HOUSE: Stuff. PATIENT: Me too. HOUSE: What brings you to New Jersey? Is it work or vacation? PATIENT: Uh... Work. HOUSE: What type of work? PATIENT: I'm tired. [House looks down at the patients hand, the rash is back. Looks at the monitor, it shows his fever is at 107.] HOUSE: I eat out a lot. In a lot of restaurants. [Opens the box starts pulling out receipts.] Notty pine. Ritchies. PATIENT: I know those places. HOUSE: They're good huh? PATIENT: They're convenient. HOUSE: For what? PATIENT: They're on the road. HOUSE: You on the road a lot? PATIENT: No more than you I suppose. HOUSE: [Pulls out the vapour rub.] You ever use this stuff? I use it all the time.[Smells it.] PATIENT: I use it all the time. HOUSE: Yeah. I just said that. You know, the cool thing about this stuff is... You can do a lot with it. Soften your skin, treat scrapes. Naughty stuff. [House holds it out for the patient. The patient takes it and rubs some under his nose then breathes in deeply.] Why did you do that? PATIENT: Because... It doesn't smell like dung. HOUSE: You're saying you like the smell? PATIENT: Not really. Just doesn't smell like dung. HOUSE: Something else does smell like dung? PATIENT: Yeah. Dung. [Cut to House leaving the patients room. Looks at Foreman, 13 and Kutner, who are waiting for him.] HOUSE: You guys ready? Now is the time you stare at me, in slack-jawed amazement. He sells farm equipment. [They look surprised.] See? Pig lagoons, pig farms. [Takes off the jacket.] And, as every child knows, where you have pigs, you have pig poo. [Roughs up his hair.] But as very few children know, where you have pig poo, you have eperythrozoon infection. 13: We'll start him on clarithromycin. [Hands House his cane.] HOUSE: This time tomorrow, he'll be back to his old self. Whoever that might be. [Everyone but Foreman start to go.] FOREMAN: It can wait. KUTNER: He has a temperature of 107. FOREMAN: It can wait 15 minutes. [To House.] You know where Cuddy is? [Cut to House and Cuddy in the patients room.] CUDDY: Hi, I'm the Dean of Medicine. HOUSE: Hi, I'm the guy who saved your life. [Wilson, Foreman and the numbers are watching through the window.] WILSON: So what if it's House? FOREMAN: Then I take the job at Mount Zion. WILSON: There is no job at Mount Zion. FOREMAN: House said that... WILSON: Well if House said it, it must be true. [Back inside.] CUDDY: I can fre him. I can fre him now. I can fre him tomorrow. I don't even need a reason. HOUSE: She doesn't fre me, she never will fre me, she needs me. CUDDY: He's a good doctor. That's all. I respect his expertise, and I... HOUSE: She's hot for me. Always... PATIENT: Shut up! CUDDY: Well, that could have been either of us. PATIENT: [Looks at Cuddy.] You have great yabos. [House looks at Cuddy.] CUDDY: That still could have been either of us. [Looks at House.] HOUSE: You lose. CUDDY: Seriously... [House starts celebrating.] I have always thought my breasts were one of my best features. FOREMAN: Damn. [House continues celebrating.] [Cut to House addressing the numbers in the lecture theatre. While practically the whole hospital watches on at the back.] HOUSE: You all suck. The two of you, [Points to Cole and 13] took 14 hours to find a car. You, [Kutner.] forgot to mention that the guy with no memory, had memories. You [Brennan.] keep on thinking, that insane guys have hidden wisdom. You're going to wind up sh*ting people on the subway. [Looks at the other two.] Something. TAUB: So, which one of us sucks the most? HOUSE: It's a tie. AMBER: Between? HOUSE: All of you. AMBER: We're all fired? HOUSE: None of you are fired. [The numbers breathe a big sigh of relief. Everyone standing at the back leaves disappointed, except Chase who smiles.] [Cut to House leaving, Foreman follows.] FOREMAN: That was nice of you. HOUSE: Sure. FOREMAN: Why didn't you fre anyone? HOUSE: They're good doctors. FOREMAN: Right, why didn't you let Brennan quit? HOUSE: He's a good doctor. FOREMAN: Right... By not letting anyone go, you made six people happy and one person happy and rich. Chase won every one of those bets, so either you're just really nice or what's your cut? HOUSE: 50%... How bad you want to keep your job? FOREMAN: I'll keep my mouth shut HOUSE: Hey.. You actually do want to stay, don't you? FOREMAN: I think I do. HOUSE: Everyone of those idiots, got some insight about themselves from the pig salesman. Not one of them did anything about it. People don't learn, they don't change, but you did. You're a freak! [Foreman laughs.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x05 - Mirror, Mirror"}	foreverdreaming
[Drag Race Track. Day. A blue dragster revs up noisily and makes its way to the starting line. Officials walk about, preparing for the start of the race. An announcer's disembodied voice is heard] ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: [vo] And now, coming to the line, last year's rookie of the year, Casey Alfonso! [The crowd cheers loudly, as the camera focuses on the red dragster] ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: [vo] And in lane two, nine times national champion, Tony Cooper! [The camera focuses on the blue dragster] ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: [vo] Tony's on his line down in lane two. And now Casey’s approaching the line. [Casey's red dragster comes up to the line. Her father, Lou Alfonso, leans forward to have a pre-race talk with her] LOU ALFONSO: [shouting over the noise] How do you feel? CASEY ALFONSO: [raising her helmet visor, pumped] Great. LOU ALFONSO: I feel like throwing up my guts. CASEY ALFONSO: You always feel like throwing up. Come on, dad, let's get this digger on the line. LOU ALFONSO: You sure you don't wanna go to law school? CASEY ALFONSO: I hate lawyers. LOU ALFONSO: [that's what he wants to hear] Yeah, so do I. Go get 'em baby! [They bump fists. Casey lowers her visor and prepares for the race, as Lou backs away] ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: [vo] Okay, looks like we're ready to go. Let's hear it, folks! [The crowd obliges him with a loud cheer] [CASEY'S POV: Her hands on the steering wheel, anxious to start] [And they're off! The camera pans around Casey as she races. Tony and she are neck and neck. She notices Tony pulling slightly ahead. She ups the gear and speeds up more] [CASEY'S POV: All of a sudden, everything is in slow motion. Her hand ups the gear and moves to the wheel. Everything returns to normal speed shortly] [Casey's car just about manages to bat Tony's by a short margin] ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: [excited, vo] And it's Casey Alfonso by less than half a car length! [The crowd applauds and cheers. The cars' parachutes deploy, slowing them down to a stop] ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: [vo] What a spectacular finish for the young phenom. [The board shows "4.547 sec" and "327.43 mph"] [Later, a reporter interviews to an elated Casey, with a camera crew present] REPORTER: Casey Alfonso with an amazing finish. What'd you do at the end there? CASEY ALFONSO: [breathless] Yeah, [chuckles] at about two hundred and fifty feet, the car got out of shape a bit. [An SUV pulls up. Her proud father exits and watches his daughter exult in her victory] CASEY ALFONSO: [charged up] But about halfway down... I just got into the zone or something. I pedaled it back into the groove! It was the coolest ride of my life! REPORTER: How does it feel to bat nine-time national champion Tony Cooper? [As he speaks, his voice gets deep and slow (like a tape recorder running on low battery)] [CASEY'S POV: His head moves in slow motion] CASEY ALFONSO: [still smiling, uneasy] I'm sorry. Can you repeat that? [CASEY'S POV: She looks towards her ecstatic father, jumping for joy, and walking over, in slow motion] REPORTER: [deep, slow, distorted] How does it feel to bat nine-time national champion, Tony Cooper? [Casey's legs buckle and she drops to the ground, unconscious. The announcer tries to help her] REPORTER: [concerned] Casey! Casey! Casey! [Lou runs over, pushing the reporter out of the way] LOU ALFONSO: Out of the way! Out of the way. Casey. Casey! [to the guy nearby] Get the ambulance! Brian, get the ambulance! [Casey doesn't move] LOU ALFONSO: [scared] Casey... [Cut to, Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, Auditorium. Day. Dr. GregoryHouse limps/paces about as his new Fellows and Dr. Eric Foreman try to get him to treat a patient. Dr... "Thirteen" speaks] "THIRTEEN": Sixty-eight-year-old male, non-smoker. GREG HOUSE: [uninterested] Ah, sixty-eight's a good run. That'll leave something in the lockbox for the rest of us. Next! [He holds a Tupperware case] JEFFREY COLE: That's your breakfast? GREG HOUSE: Technically, it's Wilson's lunch. AMBER VOLAKIS: Twenty-month-old baby, persistent rash, fever... GREG HOUSE: [cuts her off] Too much crying. CHRIS TAUB: Female college student with... GREG HOUSE: [cuts him off] Too much drama. ERIC FOREMAN: You don't care about the crying or the drama 'cause you won't see the patient. And you'd treat Methuselah if his snot had an interesting color. It means you've already decided which case you wanna take next. GREG HOUSE: Tell me about Speed Racer. [Dr. Travis Brennan speaks] TRAVIS BRENNAN: Female, seizure with visual and auditory processing deficiency. I did a consult and... GREG HOUSE: [interrupts] What kind of race car? TRAVIS BRENNAN: Dragster. GREG HOUSE: [interested] Continue. JEFFREY COLE: You're gonna take a case based on the car she drives? GREG HOUSE: Nothing says "thanks for saving my life" like a test drive in a car that accelerates faster than a space shuttle. ERIC FOREMAN: You can't save her life, 'cause she's not dying. Her lab shows signs of dehydration. Means the problem's just likely... heatstroke. GREG HOUSE: Kinda hard to get heat-struck in four-and-a-half seconds. ERIC FOREMAN: Not when you're wearing a three-layer fireproof suit. [The door to the auditorium opens. House looks up and sees a guy in a black suit enter (Agent Smith)] AGENT SMITH: Excuse me. [The Fellows turn to the Suit] AGENT SMITH: [walking towards them] Dr. House? [The Fellows look at House apprehensively] GREG HOUSE: No, lazy ass called in sick again. We can give him a message. [The Suit pulls out a picture of House's frowning face] AGENT SMITH: May we talk in private? [House stares at him for a moment. The Fellows and Foreman wonder what kind of trouble House may be in, not that they seem worried. House nods and stands up, getting his "bitchin' cane"] GREG HOUSE: So... either it's heatstroke, in which case we take the afternoon off, or it's one of the diagnoses that you guys are gonna have for me in... two minutes. [to Foreman] You're in charge. ERIC FOREMAN: I know. [House throws him a look and goes into the next room, followed by the Suit. Foreman stands and prepares to go forward with their new case. The Fellows seem more interested in House's new suit-clad visitor] CHRIS TAUB: Cop? "THIRTEEN": He's not packing. AMBER VOLAKIS: Your dad's either a cop or a security guard. LAWRENCE KUTNER: Or she carries a wapon. ["Thirteen" only smiles] [In the next room, Agent Smith flashes his CIA ID to House] GREG HOUSE: [yeah, right] You're with the CIA? AGENT SMITH: One of our employees just returned from an assignment sick. We believe he may be the victim of an assassination attempt. [House lower-lip-pouts skeptically and looks at the Fellows in the auditorium] GREG HOUSE: Sure. You wanna close the door? [House sits] AGENT SMITH: [confused] Door? GREG HOUSE: Well, I assume you're gonna drop trou at some point during the dance. I don't see why I should share. AGENT SMITH: This isn't a joke. If you're willing to help us, we need to leave now. GREG HOUSE: If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they better be working their way through college. [Agent Smith frowns as House limps outside to the auditorium] GREG HOUSE: [to the Fellows] Okay, what do you got? TRAVIS BRENNAN: Hereditary brain disorder, transient ischemia, or paraneoplastic syndrome. None of those go away with IV fluids. It's heatstroke. GREG HOUSE: Or Cushing's or calcium deficiency. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [re: Agent Smith] Who's your friend? GREG HOUSE: We use the term "life partner". [Agent Smith doesn't like that term much. House puts on his coat, preparing to leave] GREG HOUSE: Get a fresh history, neurological exam, and an MRI of her head. [following Smith out] Fifteen minutes for the lap dance, a half hour to scrub the guilt off my soul. [checks his watch] See you in forty-five. [He leaves] [Cut to, PPTH Stairwell. Day. Agent Smith opens the door for House, who limps behind him] AGENT SMITH: Dr. House, we need to hurry. GREG HOUSE: Yeah, we need to hurry. [He starts laboring up the stairs, following Smith] GREG HOUSE: Little advice, I mean, obviously the Village People played out the whole cop thing. But, come on, CIA? Do you seriously expect anyone to believe that? [Smith opens the door to the terrace. Outside, on the helipad, stands a CIA helicopter, ready to fly. House looks at the bird, his skepticism dissolving. Agent Smith looks at him, a smug smile on his face] AGENT SMITH: It helps when you have props. [They go towards the helo] [Cut to, Casey's Room. Day. Foreman and Brennan attend to Casey. Brennan slowly moves his pen in front of Casey's eyes] TRAVIS BRENNAN: Keep your eye on my pen. [Casey follows the pen with her eyes] TRAVIS BRENNAN: Very good. ERIC FOREMAN: Any nausea or vomiting before the seizure? CASEY ALFONSO: [shaking her head] No. My dad had some, but he's always like that before a race. ERIC FOREMAN: It coulda been food poisoning. You two eat breakfast together? CASEY ALFONSO: No. [Brennan checks her leg] TRAVIS BRENNAN: Any history of sciatica or spinal injury? CASEY ALFONSO: No. TRAVIS BRENNAN: [to Foreman] Abnormal deep tendon reflex. ERIC FOREMAN: Really? Let me see. [Brennan hands him the plexor (hammer to check reflexes). Foreman taps her] ERIC FOREMAN: It's there. TRAVIS BRENNAN: I didn't say it wasn't there. I said it was abnormal. ERIC FOREMAN: We're gonna give you an MRI to be sure, but I'm guessing your symptoms were caused by just dehydration and the heat. CASEY ALFONSO: [wide-eyed] You're guessing? Look, I make a living driving three hundred miles an hour, which makes the ability to stay conscious kind of important. ERIC FOREMAN: [comforting] I'm sure it's just heatstroke. But we're gonna do an MRI to be extra careful. [Brennan doesn't seem to agree. Foreman leaves. He looks at Casey and smiles at her] [Cut to, Private Jet. Day. As the plane flies, House, seated, gulps down a packet of peanuts. "Whatta Man" (by Salt-N-Pepa Featuring En Vogue) is heard. It's House's cell phone] AGENT SMITH: You said you left your cell in your office. GREG HOUSE: I lied. AGENT SMITH: [smiles wryly] I wasn't going to take it, just tell you to turn it off for takeoff. GREG HOUSE: I know... just wanted to see if you could tell that I was lying. Useful information. [He answers his phone] GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Yeah? [Diagnostic's Office. Day. Foreman sits in front of the phone, while Brennan stands behind] ERIC FOREMAN: Where are you? GREG HOUSE: I'm on a top-secret mission for the CIA. ERIC FOREMAN: [deadpan] Right. There was nothing on your racecar driver's CT, and the history and physical were normal. TRAVIS BRENNAN: Her deep tendon reflexes seemed a bit weak to me. GREG HOUSE: [from phone] Areflexia could mean Miller-Fisher. ERIC FOREMAN: Yes, areflexia could mean Miller-Fisher, but since the reflex was weak, not absent, doesn't mean anything. I'm releasing her. You can go back to your poker game. GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Poker's illegal. CIA would never allow illegal activity... [The phone rings. Foreman disconnects from House and answers it] "THIRTEEN": [from phone] Have you considered Miller-Fisher? [Foreman picks up the receiver and puts it to his ear] ERIC FOREMAN: [into phone] Why? What happened? [Casey's Room. Day. "Thirteen" speaks on her phone to Foreman, while behind her, Kutner checks up on Casey, while Lou stands nearby] "THIRTEEN": [into phone] She just had another seizure. [Kutner, using an illuminated magnifying glass, peers into her eye. He wide-open left eye is vibrating vertically like crazy] "THIRTEEN": [into phone, vo] And now she's getting a vertical nystagmus. [CG POV: The camera zooms into her eye, past the optic nerve (through which electrical impulses travel at regular intervals. Inside, the eyeball oscillates jerkily. Then it stops] [Later in Casey's Room, Foreman speaks to Casey. Brennan (full of "told-you-so" attitude) stands nearby] ERIC FOREMAN: [to Casey] We think it's Miller-Fisher, an inflammatory process. In rare cases, it can cause respiratory failure, but... LOU ALFONSO: Wait, she could stop breathing? CASEY ALFONSO: You said there was nothing wrong. You said you were sure. ERIC FOREMAN: You just had another seizure. Clearly, there's something wrong. CASEY ALFONSO: So why should I trust you to figure out what it is? [sits up in bed] Where's Dr. House? I'm at this hospital bec... ERIC FOREMAN: It's gonna be all right. We just need to start the plasmapheresis. CASEY ALFONSO: No! It's not going to be all right, because you obviously don't have a clue what you're doing. [Foreman tries to reason with her, but she starts ripping off the sensors on her. The monitors start beeping, due to the lot signal] CASEY ALFONSO: I'm not letting you touch me. LOU ALFONSO: [trying to stop her] Honey, come on. CASEY ALFONSO: I wanna see House! Where is he? [Foreman shakes his head in frustration] [Cut to, CIA Hospital. Day. House and Agent Smith enter the hallway and make their way towards a room] GREG HOUSE: [re: the hospital] Looks a lot better on '24'. [They enter the room. They are greeted by a a striking lady, who stands at her desk] GREG HOUSE: [to Smith] I take that back. [The lady steps forward from behind her desk and introduces herself to House, shaking his hand] SAMIRA TERZI: Dr. Samira Terzi. It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. House. We really appreciate the consult on such short notice. GREG HOUSE: There's nothing that gives me more pleasure than helping out a colleague. [Terzi points out another guy sitting on the nearby couch] SAMIRA TERZI: This is Dr. Sidney Curtis from the Mayo Clinic. He's also agreed to help with the diagnosis. [Curtis stands] SIDNEY CURTIS: [holding out his hand] Dr. House. ["Whatta man" is heard as House's cell phone rings. He takes it out] GREG HOUSE: "Curtis on Immunology" Sidney Curtis? SIDNEY CURTIS: [pleased] Oh, you've read it? GREG HOUSE: Nope! But it is keeping my piano level. [House opens his clamshell phone to see the caller is "Cutthroat Bitch". Not answering, he shuts the phone] GREG HOUSE: So... where is the poor, sick fella? [Cut to Diagnostics Office. Day. Dr. Amber Volakis shakes her head and pulls her phone from her ear, peeved. Foreman paces about, while the Fellows sit around the glass table] TRAVIS BRENNAN: What do we do? ERIC FOREMAN: I don't know yet. TRAVIS BRENNAN: She needs treatment. AMBER VOLAKIS: This is a test, right? You're reporting back to him everything we do. ERIC FOREMAN: [deadpan] Yeah. And I asked the patient to be uncooperative. Personally, I think she overplayed it. TRAVIS BRENNAN: She's being uncooperative because you made us all look like idiots. ERIC FOREMAN: We're only gonna look like idiots if we can't figure out how to get her to agree to the treatment. JEFFREY COLE: What would House do right now? "THIRTEEN": [smirks] Pop a pill, insult us, and trick the patient. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [hopefully] We can do that last part. She's never met House before, has she? Who's got a cane? ERIC FOREMAN: House isn't here. We're not gonna act like him. [He walks out] [Cut to Casey's Room. Day. Casey stirs and sees Foreman entering] CASEY ALFONSO: What do you want? ERIC FOREMAN: I, uh... I'm gonna do what doctors aren't supposed to do. Admit I made a mistake. I shouldn't have been so quick to dismiss your symptoms. But you need to let us start the plasmapheresis. CASEY ALFONSO: [repeating, fading voice] What do you want? LOU ALFONSO: Case? [Casey blacks out, her head swaying to the sides] LOU ALFONSO: Honey, do you know where you are? [Foreman checks the monitors and checks her temperature] ERIC FOREMAN: She's burning up. LOU ALFONSO: Start the treatment. ERIC FOREMAN: We can't. LOU ALFONSO: You've got my permission. She's obviously confused. ERIC FOREMAN: It doesn't matter anymore. Miller-Fisher doesn't cause delirium and fever. [seriously] I don't know what this is. [Cut to CIA Hospital. Day. Terzi, followed by House and Curtis, walks in the hallway] SAMIRA TERZI: I'm afraid there are going to be some limitations on his medical history. Just let me know what you need, and I should be able to provide it. GREG HOUSE: FYI, my malpractice insurance doesn't cover alien autopsies. SAMIRA TERZI: That's fine. X-Files are the next wing over. SIDNEY CURTIS: Where was the patient when he first felt ill? SAMIRA TERZI: Sorry, that's classified. But assume there aren't too many places in the world John hasn't been. And, yes, John's a cover name. SIDNEY CURTIS: And what makes you think it was an attempt on his life? SAMIRA TERZI: Sorry, can't tell you that either. [They stop at a door] SIDNEY CURTIS: What can you tell us? GREG HOUSE: Yeah, did Oswald really have sex with Marilyn Monroe? [Terzi gives him a hint of a smile and enters the room. Curtis is not amused. He and House follow her in] [Cut to John's room. Day. "John" lies unconscious on his bed, hooked up to monitors. He is sickly thin, with skin peeling off] SIDNEY CURTIS: [shocked] Good Lord. GREG HOUSE: [to Curtis] Very professional. SAMIRA TERZI: Five days ago, he was 185 pounds. Perfect health. [House walks up to John's bed and looks at the patient] GREG HOUSE: Cool. [Cut to Diagnostics Office. Day. While the Fellows sit at the glass table, Foreman stands in front of the whiteboard, on which is written: "SEIZURE / VISUAL AND AUDITORY / PROCESSING DEFICIENCY / INTERMITTENT NYSTAGMUS / AREFLEXIA...". He turns to them] ERIC FOREMAN: Fever and delirium rule out... [He stops, seeing Amber still trying to call House] ERIC FOREMAN: Uh, he's not gonna hire you just because you call him the most. Especially since it's obvious he doesn't wanna be called. [Amber lowers her cell phone] ERIC FOREMAN: Symptoms rule out Miller-Fisher. MS fits better. JEFFREY COLE: Progression's too fast. More likely meningitis. ERIC FOREMAN: Areflexia doesn't fit as well with... "THIRTEEN": Does with amyloidosis. CHRIS TAUB: That's even slower than MS. It's lupus. AMBER VOLAKIS: I'm with the little man [Taub] on this one. It's attacking the body and the brain. Classic autoimmune. CHRIS TAUB: [to Amber] Flirt all you want, but I should warn you - Shiksas are for practice. ERIC FOREMAN: Lupus this aggressive wouldn't spare her kidneys. It's primarily neurological. Let's start her on... TRAVIS BRENNAN: [interrupting, looking at MRI] Why no plaques on her MRI? ERIC FOREMAN: MRI was inconclusive. So I don't know why... TRAVIS BRENNAN: [walking up to him, confrontational] So now you're sure that it's MS. Just like you were sure it was Miller-Fisher an hour after you were sure it was heatstroke. ERIC FOREMAN: The symptoms fit. Start her on interferon. LAWRENCE KUTNER: We're not gonna score any points with House if we solve this just by running your errands. ERIC FOREMAN: I get that you want to be right. JEFFREY COLE: You don't? ERIC FOREMAN: I'm just trying to save a patient, not score points with my boss. "THIRTEEN": Would it hurt the patient if you let us run some tests? [Foreman looks at Brennan, who is staring a hole in him. He softens] ERIC FOREMAN: You've got three hours. [The Fellows get up and leave] [Cut to CIA Hospital. Day. Terzi leads House and Curtis through the hallway] SAMIRA TERZI: We've run six complete tox screens, tested for every heavy metal, poison, and biological agent we can think of. SIDNEY CURTIS: Says here he ate a lot of chestnuts. [House stops walking and calls out] GREG HOUSE: Ho-o-old on a second. If the Squirrel Liberation Army's involved, I'm outta here. Those little rodents are... SIDNEY CURTIS: Horse chestnuts are poisonous. If someone switched them... GREG HOUSE: Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse's lower-than-chestnuts. Which makes the theory that he accidentally ate a couple of hundred slightly less persuasive. [He walks into Terzi's office, followed by Terzi and Curtis] GREG HOUSE: And seeing as how he was prowling the back alleys of... [guessing] Tehran? SAMIRA TERZI: It wasn't Tehran. It was... [deadpan] Oops. You almost got me. GREG HOUSE: Unless we know the local environmental factors, poisonous flora... SAMIRA TERZI: You know I can't tell you that. GREG HOUSE: [sits, miffed] Well, then, why are we here? You might as well just Google "poison". SAMIRA TERZI: [shrugs in understanding] All they would tell me is [sits, softly] he spent the last eleven months in Bolivia. GREG HOUSE: Who you gonna kll in Bolivia? My old housekeeper? SAMIRA TERZI: We don't kll people. GREG HOUSE: I'm sorry. Who are you gonna marginalize? If it is my housekeeper, she has it coming. Cleaning the windows means cleaning both sides. [loudly to Curtis] Am I right, or am I right? SIDNEY CURTIS: [irritated] What does it matter what he was doing? The guy's dying. GREG HOUSE: Not anymore. I know what's poisoning him. And who - John. [House makes a sign of a person drinking, accompanied by sound effects] GREG HOUSE: It's just pancreatitis. SAMIRA TERZI: He's not an alcoholic. SIDNEY CURTIS: And unless his pancreas is in his fingers... GREG HOUSE: Spies can't get fungal infections? SAMIRA TERZI: And the burns on his skin? LISA CUDDY: Spies can't get sunburns? Bolivia doesn't have sun? SIDNEY CURTIS: So, either we go with his theory of the non-drinking drunk, or he was poisoned by some group with the resources to make it completely untraceable. Some customized isotope. [House says nothing. He just looks at Terzi, hoping she'll side with him] SAMIRA TERZI: Let's treat for radiation poisoning. [House rolls his eyes] [Cut to CIA Hospital, John's Room. Day. Curtis hooks a conscious but weak John up to an IV-drip. House lurks in the background] SIDNEY CURTIS: The iodine's to protect your thyroid. Antibiotics are to handle infections. Should start working in a couple of hours. GREG HOUSE: We should celebrate. With a beer. Or eight. JOHN: [hoarsely] I don't drink. GREG HOUSE: Oh... methinks he doth protest too much. SIDNEY CURTIS: He's deathly ill. Why would he lie about drinking? GREG HOUSE: Guilt over klling a man. Make anyone ht the sauce. JOHN: We don't kll people. GREG HOUSE: Right. You just lie to your friends and family, establish false identities, trick people into betraying their country. He'd never cover up his drinking. He's too honest. [Despite the pain, John turns his head to sht House a wry look] GREG HOUSE: Hey. Something I've always wanted to know. That poison lipstick that Ginger used to kiss Gilligan. Why didn't that kll her? [Curtis looks at House, hardly amused at his remarks. John is in no mood to humor House, who seems genuinely interested in knowing.] [Cut to PPTH Laboratory. Day. Kutner stands on a stool, announcing the lab results to the Fellows and Foreman] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Okay, drum roll. [mock-consoling] LP is negative for meningitis. Sorry, Cole. [Cole bites his lower lip and nods] LAWRENCE KUTNER: [to "Thirteen"] Fat pad biopsy is... Oh, wait for it... [slowly opens the result] negative for amyloidosis! And "Thirteen" goes down. ["Thirteen" looks defeated] JEFFREY COLE: Could we hurry this up? My son has... AMBER VOLAKIS: Can I have a kid too? I'm working too hard. CHRIS TAUB: I could hook you up. AMBER VOLAKIS: If I had two minutes and some anti-nausea meds, I'd take you up on that. LAWRENCE KUTNER: And for the gold... [Foreman, who has had enough of Kutner's theatrics, grabs the results from him.] ERIC FOREMAN: Protein 65, glucose 70. It's MS. Start her on interferon. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [jumps down] Turn to the last page. Sed rate's 95. ANA's weakly positive. AMBER VOLAKIS: Positive? It's lupus. ERIC FOREMAN: Weakly. Not lupus, it's MS. CHRIS TAUB: We obviously don't know what it is. Treat for both. ERIC FOREMAN: No. I gave in on the test. I'm not treating her for two completely separate diseases because you think lupus will win you a prize. [He slaps the results in Taub's hands and leaves. The others start to leave, Cole giving Taub a encouraging squeeze in the shoulder. Amber sticks behind] AMBER VOLAKIS: Still think it's lupus? CHRIS TAUB: Yeah. AMBER VOLAKIS: Me too. In case of emergency, go to the emergency room. [She gets up and starts to walk out] [Cut to PPTH ER. Day. Amber and Taub speak to Dr. Allison Cameron, who looks at their results] ALLISON CAMERON: Could be lupus. AMBER VOLAKIS: That's what we figured. ALLISON CAMERON: [handing back the results, suspicious] Then why are you here? [She starts to walk. Amber and Taub follow] CHRIS TAUB: You're an immunologist. We wanted to confirm... ALLISON CAMERON: Who are you looking for me to help you sell down the river? House or Cuddy? AMBER VOLAKIS: Foreman. ALLISON CAMERON: Sorry. CHRIS TAUB: He's pushing MS. Thinks that because he's in charge, he has to prove he's the smartest guy in the room. [Amber speaks to Cameron, face-to-face] AMBER VOLAKIS: All I've heard about you: you put the patient above everything else. That's why everyone finds you so annoying. [Cameron doesn't know whether to be flattered or insulted] ALLISON CAMERON: [conspiratorially] All House cares about is results. CHRIS TAUB: I know. I'm talking about how to do deal with Foreman. ALLISON CAMERON: So am I. [With a sly smile, she walks off. Amber smiles to Cole] [Cut to Outside Casey's room. Day. Amber and Taub speak to Foreman, while Lou sits beside Casey inside] AMBER VOLAKIS: Fever's down to 101.5. ERIC FOREMAN: Treatment's working. Why are we out here? CHRIS TAUB: Trying to figure out which treatment's working. It's kind of tacky doing it in front of the patient. ERIC FOREMAN: [shocked] You put her on steroids too? AMBER VOLAKIS: [defensively] We had no choice. The sed rate pointed to lupus. [Inside the room, Casey is sitting up in bed, rubbing her legs. Her father stands near her] ERIC FOREMAN: And the ANA ruled it out! LOU ALFONSO: [calling] Doctors! [Foreman runs inside, followed by the others. Casey keeps on touching her legs] ERIC FOREMAN: Legs hurt? CASEY ALFONSO: [panicked] I can't feel them at all. I don't think I can move them. [Foreman throws a frustrated look to Amber and Taub] [Cut to CIA Hospital. Day. John lies barely conscious in bed, while House reclines on the bed, eating a plate of chicken legs. Terzi and Curtis enter. Terzi checks the chart] SAMIRA TERZI: [impressed] Vitals sab. GREG HOUSE: Tummy-ache's gone as well. SIDNEY CURTIS: ["told-you-so"] So the treatment's working. GREG HOUSE: [quietly to Terzi] Wanna ditch Dr. Killjoy and... hop in the company jet? Little trip down Mexico Way. And I'm not talking about the country or the plane. SAMIRA TERZI: [softly] Do you think acting like an idiot and talking about sex works on girls? GREG HOUSE: Well, if it didn't, the human race would have died out long ago. SIDNEY CURTIS: You're pretty cheery for someone who was just proved wrong about his pancreatitis theory. GREG HOUSE: I'm appropriately cheery for someone who's being proved right. SAMIRA TERZI: John hasn't vomited in six hours. GREG HOUSE: What's to vomit? [holding up a chicken leg] I'm eating his lunch. Withholding nutrients is the treatment for pancreatitis. That and the antibiotics you put him on. I did unhook your iodine, though. Didn't seem to fit with the whole "I'm-just-jerking-you-guys-around" gestalt. SIDNEY CURTIS: [pissed] You're unbelievable. GREG HOUSE: Well, let's ask John if he'd rather be sick honestly or cured dishonestly. [Terzi opens John's right eye. He's not responding] SAMIRA TERZI: John. [Left eye yields no results either] SAMIRA TERZI: John. [She starts to rub his chest, trying to wake him up. Curtis puts his fingers to John's neck, checking his vitals. House seems confused and guilty] GREG HOUSE: [sheepishly] Any chance he's just... overwhelmed with gratitude? [Curtis' glare doesn't seem to think so] [Cut to Diagnostics Office. Day. Foreman, arms folded, stares accusingly at Taub and Amber. The others sit quietly] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Paralysis. Uh... it's a new symptom? Big white space on the board where it would fit? Nice, multicolored markers? [makes a writing motion] [Brennan mopes in the corner] ERIC FOREMAN: I'm not writing it because we can't know if it's a real symptom. [pointing to Taub and Amber] When these two went rogue and pumped her full of steroids... CHRIS TAUB: Steroids don't cause paralysis. ERIC FOREMAN: She was also on interferon! Giving her both probably fried her immune system. Who knows what infection you could cause...? AMBER VOLAKIS: We consulted an immunologist. She said we have... ERIC FOREMAN: [frowning] She? You talking about Dr. Cameron? CHRIS TAUB: She thought lupus was... ERIC FOREMAN: She tell you to start treating? "THIRTEEN": [loudly] Yes, they've ignored you. They screwed up. And it's fun watching you spank them. But can we get back to the medicine? ERIC FOREMAN: [mad] The last thing any of you give a damn about is the medicine! [The Fellows say nothing] ERIC FOREMAN: [sits] Look... I'm not saying you're bad doctors or bad people. But House is. He created a nasty little cutthroat world, planted you in it, and is watching you play. And none of it works for anyone except him. AMBER VOLAKIS: And whoever wins. [Foreman sht her a glare] CHRIS TAUB: Given its quick progression, we gotta assume botulism. LAWRENCE KUTNER: I'll go to her place, check out her fridge and pantry. [Meanwhile, Brennan has been looking at the whiteboard] TRAVIS BRENNAN: It's not botulism. It's polio. [Foreman looks at him skeptically. Taub's chuckle disappears when he sees Brennan is serious] CHRIS TAUB: Brilliant. We should search her home for FDR's remains or a time machine. TRAVIS BRENNAN: She could have contracted it from anyone who's been to Africa or... AMBER VOLAKIS: She's been vaccinated. TRAVIS BRENNAN: Vaccines wear off. "THIRTEEN": There hasn't been a single American case in over twenty years. TRAVIS BRENNAN: I've seen this disease. I know what it looks like. ERIC FOREMAN: That's why you're finding it. Because you're looking for it. Polio, it's-it's crazy. TRAVIS BRENNAN: House wouldn't think so. ERIC FOREMAN: So go find House and tell him your theory. Take a personal day. Seriously. Get outta here. [jerks his] TRAVIS BRENNAN: You don't have the power to fre me. ERIC FOREMAN: But I do have the power to kick your ass off my case. [to the others] We're starting the botulism treatment. The rest of you, look for confirmation. [With a final glare at Brennan, he walks off. The others also file out, Kutner clapping Brennan on the arm as he passes him] [Cut to CIA Hospital, John's room. Day. Curtis, standing over John, complains to Terzi about House] SIDNEY CURTIS: He should be brought up on charges. GREG HOUSE: Okay, relax. I'll take your book out from under my piano. SIDNEY CURTIS: He's dying of radiation sickness. He's obviously in pain. [He moves away and House goes up to John] SIDNEY CURTIS: All of which could have been avoided if you hadn't interfered with... [House grabs John's hair and pulls. John gives out a small yelp of pain] SIDNEY CURTIS: What was that for?! [House withdraws his hand, without any hairs on it] GREG HOUSE: Radiation sickness kills specific cells at specific times. His hair should be coming out in clumps before he's writhing in pain. Since it's not, I know who's trying to kll him. [looks upwards] God. It's blood cancer. Waldenstrom's. SIDNEY CURTIS: [quietly] Radiation can cause infections, which set off... [stuttering as he thinks] GREG HOUSE: [interrupts] If you had any real evidence of foul play, you'd be torturing Bolivians instead of putting me into a state of anticipatory sexual arousal. SAMIRA TERZI: Can we treat for both? GREG HOUSE: Bad idea. Unless you're the one who's trying to poison him. SAMIRA TERZI: I'll arrange for plasmapheresis and chemo. [She starts to leave, but turns when Curtis speaks] SIDNEY CURTIS: Are you gonna trust him after what he did? SAMIRA TERZI: I don't have to trust him to agree with him [She leaves, leaving House and an agape Curtis] GREG HOUSE: You make a good point. I've been wrong every time, and she still won't listen to you. So either she [chuckling] really likes me or she really hates you. And I got a ride in the jet. [Cut to PPTH ER. Day. Cameron walks towards the bed where her next patient should be. She pulls back the curtain and gets a start, finding a stone-faced Foreman sitting there] ALLISON CAMERON: Oh. Hi. What are you doing here? ERIC FOREMAN: Just came to say "hi". ALLISON CAMERON: Hi again. Where's... Mrs. Berman? ERIC FOREMAN: Sent her home. ALLISON CAMERON: I was scheduling her for an MRA. ERIC FOREMAN: [dismissive] If we gave MRAs to every patient with a headache... ALLISON CAMERON: This wasn't just a headache, it was the worst in her life. ERIC FOREMAN: Then lucky for you I'm a neurologist. She went to a wine and cheese tasting. Both triggers for migraines. ALLISON CAMERON: She's never had a migraine before. ERIC FOREMAN: And I never had a blueberry bagel before the first time I had one. ALLISON CAMERON: [arguing] Bagels don't kll people. This is a classic ticking-bmb aneurysm. ERIC FOREMAN: Wow. This taught me a lesson. I guess when I mess with other people's patients, I risk looking like an officious bitch. [He gets up and leaves. Cameron speaks to a passing nurse] ALLISON CAMERON: We're gonna have to track down Mrs. Berman. [As the nurse nods and leaves, Cameron sees Mrs. Berman walking over, dragging her IV-line with her, carrying a fresh urine sample] ALLISON CAMERON: [to the nurse] Wait... Never mind. [She purses her lips] [Cut to PPTH, Outside OR. Day. Cameron complains to Dr. Robert Chase, who's washing his hands, prepping for surgery] ROBERT CHASE: That's funny. ALLISON CAMERON: It's not funny. It's totally immature. ROBERT CHASE: [amused] It is funny. You just can't appreciate it because you're the victim. ALLISON CAMERON: Yeah, I deserve shame and ridicule for offering a consult. Unheard of for a doctor. ROBERT CHASE: You didn't offer a medical consult. You offered a "Dealing with Foreman" consult. ALLISON CAMERON: For the good of the patient. It's what House would have done. ROBERT CHASE: Maybe House will hear about it and tear up with pride. ALLISON CAMERON: You think I'm trying to impress him. ROBERT CHASE: I think that, for someone who's not involved in his team, you're remarkably involved in his team. Let it go. Let him go. [Finished with the hand-washing, he turns to her. Pettily, she splashes some water on his freshly-washed hands] ROBERT CHASE: And that's mature? [She gives him a kiddish pout and leaves. He prepares to wash again.] [Cut to CIA Hospital, John's room. Day. House sets up the plasmapheresis machine, while Terzi checks John's blood pressure] SAMIRA TERZI: 120 over 80. Let 'er rip. [House starts the plasmapheresis] GREG HOUSE: Now we got the medical stuff out of the way. Why don't we meet back at your place for some enhanced interrogation techniques? [She gives him a "oh, yeah?" smile] GREG HOUSE: My safe word is, "help, please, please stop". It's two "pleases". Anything less than that, you keep going. SAMIRA TERZI: You actually cure this guy, I'll show you my private water board. [House gives her an intrigued smile] SAMIRA TERZI: We need to consult an oncologist about the chemo. [House still smiles, but then realises she's not flirting] GREG HOUSE: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought... you were still euphemizing. My valet knows a little oncology. [He goes over to his cell phone and dials] [Cut to Aerial View of PPTH. Day] [Cut to PPTH Nurse's Station. Day. Dr. James Wilson answers House's phone call] JAMES WILSON: [into phone] I was wondering when you'd grow bored of avoiding my calls. [Cut to CIA Hospital, John's room. Day. House speaks to Wilson and sits] GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Oh, I can never grow bored of ignoring you. What's the latest protocol on Waldenstrom's? JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Where are you? GREG HOUSE: [into phone] CIA headquarters. How much fludarabine...? JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Either you're sprawled naked on your floor with an empty bottle of Vicodin, or collapsed naked in front of your computer with an empty bottle of Viagra. Please tell me which, because Chase has another pool going. GREG HOUSE: [into phone] They flew me in to help deal with a sick employee. How much...? JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Hallucinations. Damn! I shouldn't have bet on the Viagra. GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Okay, call the Langley switchboard, ask for extension... [looks to Terzi] SAMIRA TERZI: Thirty-five seventy-eight. GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Three five seven eight. [House hangs up] SAMIRA TERZI: He asked an awful lot of questions for a valet. GREG HOUSE: You know, I happen to have a position available on my penis. [Terzi, who expected another innuendo-laced remark, is surprised at the direct approach. She looks at House, who realises his goof-up] GREG HOUSE: Wait a second, I think I screwed up that joke. SAMIRA TERZI: You offering me a job? GREG HOUSE: I'd settle for that. SAMIRA TERZI: As tempting as a position on your _staff_ is, I like it here. GREG HOUSE: Pays better. And we've only had one assassination attempt. SAMIRA TERZI: And I'm sure you're a great boss. That's why your fellows left en masse a couple of months ago. [whispering seductively] I have satellite images. [The room phone rings. House rolls around the bed and answers it] GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Inspector Gadget. [At PPTH, Wilson turns around in shock] JAMES WILSON: [into phone] My God. You're actually at the CIA. GREG HOUSE: [into phone] You've gotta get down here. They've got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but... [trails off] Waldenstrom's. JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Recommended dose is twenty-five milligrams per meter squared. They do a background check on you? GREG HOUSE: [to Terzi] Twenty-five milligrams? JAMES WILSON: [into phone] They did a background check on you, they did a background check on your friends. GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Relax. I'm sure they already know that you brought heroin back from Afghanistan. [House hangs up. Wilson, panicked, tries to plead his innocence to the CIA switchboard operator, who's always listening] JAMES WILSON: [into phone] That... that's not true. I've never been to Afghanistan. House? [Cut to Casey's room. Day. Casey is semi-conscious in bed. Lou speaks to Foreman] LOU ALFONSO: She's getting worse. ERIC FOREMAN: Fever's risen slightly. [Outside, Brennan knocks on the glass partition. Foreman ignores him] LOU ALFONSO: [unsure] But i-it's definitely, um... what, botulism, right? [angry] Because if you're wrong again, and you're treating her for something she doesn't even have. ERIC FOREMAN: [comforting] The antitoxin hasn't had time to work yet. I know it's hard, but try to be patient. [Brennan knocks again and mouths "come on" to Foreman] ERIC FOREMAN: [to Lou] Excuse me. [Foreman walks out to speak to Brennan] TRAVIS BRENNAN: I know you're pissed I interrupted, but you're gonna be even more pissed in a second. [He shows Foreman a test result. Foreman snatches it away angrily] ERIC FOREMAN: You tested her without telling me? TRAVIS BRENNAN: Yeah. And I know, I'm really, really sorry. But... on the other hand, it's positive. [Foreman frowns in surprise] TRAVIS BRENNAN: She has polio. [Foreman looks at the result] TRAVIS BRENNAN: Now what, boss? [Concerned, Foreman looks at Brennan] [Cut to Wilson's Office. Day. Dr. Lisa Cuddy (Dean of Medicine) speaks to Wilson] LISA CUDDY: Where's House? He's blown off four hours of clinic. JAMES WILSON: [quietly] He's consulting for the CIA. [Cuddy gives him a questioning look] JAMES WILSON: Seriously. Call Langley and ask for extension 35... [frowning] 3536? [Cuddy looks at him, in mock-expectation of the next two digits] JAMES WILSON: [fumbling on his desk] There's definitely two threes. I-I wrote it down. I have it somewhere. LISA CUDDY: He's gonna make up twice his skipped hours in the clinic. [She starts to walk out] JAMES WILSON: Okey-doke. [She stops at the door] LISA CUDDY: And for protecting him, you're gonna make up twice that. JAMES WILSON: Why are you punishing me worse than him? LISA CUDDY: Because House never learns. You might. [She walks off, shutting the door behind her, leaving Wilson to wonder what just happened] [Cut to CIA Hospital, John's room. Night. John is now conscious. He holds some fallen hair in his fingers. House enters] GREG HOUSE: How're you feeling? JOHN: Like crap. GREG HOUSE: Yeah, cancer can be that way. [House looks at his chart] JOHN: [showing the fallen hair] My hair is falling out. [House looks at him surprised] JOHN: That the chemo? GREG HOUSE: [quietly] No, it's too quick. JOHN: So what does it mean? GREG HOUSE: [somberly] It means you don't have cancer. Someone actually did try to kll you. [Cut to CIA Hospital. Terzi's Office. Night. Terzi uneasily drums her fingers on her desk, while House sits and listens to Curtis' tirade] SIDNEY CURTIS: You're stubborn. You're arrogant! GREG HOUSE: There's no need to yell. SIDNEY CURTIS: You may have cost that man his life! GREG HOUSE: He's getting the radiation treatment. SIDNEY CURTIS: Twenty-four hours too late! GREG HOUSE: I didn't yell at you when I thought you were wrong. SIDNEY CURTIS: I wasn't wrong! SAMIRA TERZI: This isn't productive. SIDNEY CURTIS: [turning on her] There is no productive. It's too late. Because of your inexperience, your poor judgement. And your failure to recognize a reckless fool! [House has an idea] GREG HOUSE: Cordyceps sinensis. [Terzi looks at him, quizzically] GREG HOUSE: It's, uh, it's an herbal treatment derived from a parasitic fungus, comes from caterpillars. Along with dimercaprol chelation, it's been shown to mitigate bone marrow damage from radiation poisoning. [bat] In monkeys. [Terzi frowns a bit] [Cut to Diagnostics Office. Night. A defeated Foreman apologizes to the Fellows] ERIC FOREMAN: I'm sorry. I was stubborn and arrogant. TRAVIS BRENNAN: Self-recriminations won't help her. "THIRTEEN": Nothing's gonna help her. She's got polio. AMBER VOLAKIS: There's no cure, but there are treatments. ERIC FOREMAN: [resigned] She's dying. CHRIS TAUB: Yeah. Every death's a tragedy. Funny how you weren't so depressed when she just dying because me and Amber screwed up. ERIC FOREMAN: And I'm also self-centered. Thanks for clarifying. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [his two cents] Don't forget self-pitying. [Foreman throws him a look] TRAVIS BRENNAN: Vitamin C. Extremely high doses. It was experimental treatment protocol in the fifties. LAWRENCE KUTNER: And they haven't finished yet? TRAVIS BRENNAN: They... lost funding. ERIC FOREMAN: That's because there's no logical reason Vitamin C would cure polio. TRAVIS BRENNAN: Well, someone thought there was. ERIC FOREMAN: Someone thought black people made excellent farm implements. TRAVIS BRENNAN: I'm not talking about hurting anyone. I just wanna force feed her some orange juice. ERIC FOREMAN: You wanna throw in some bacon and eggs as well? TRAVIS BRENNAN: If there's anything you learn today, it's gotta be that you can be wrong. [With no other choice, Foreman nods his agreement. Brennan leaves] [Cut to CIA Hospital. John's room. Night. While House prepares the herbal brew, Terzi leans in front of John. Curtis hangs around, disgruntled] SAMIRA TERZI: John, can you hear me? We're going to start you on an experimental treatment. JOHN: Tea? GREG HOUSE: It's a Chinese herb, which has been effective in... JOHN: I'm dying, aren't I? GREG HOUSE: [bat] Probably. [He puts the tea to John's lips. John slowly drinks the brew] [Cut to Outside Casey's Room. Night. Brennan and a skeptical-looking Foreman speak to Lou] TRAVIS BRENNAN: We're gonna attempt an experimental protocol. LOU ALFONSO: A new drug? TRAVIS BRENNAN: An old one. Vitamin C. Ultra-high doses have been shown to destroy the polio virus and heal nerve damage. LOU ALFONSO: [hopeful] She could regain use of her legs. ERIC FOREMAN: It's unlikely. TRAVIS BRENNAN: [encouraging] But we're gonna try. Don't give up. [Lou looks at Brennan and Foreman, considering it] [Cut to CIA Hospital, John's room. Night. House puts another cup to John's mouth. Finished, John lies back down and sighs] JOHN: [drawling] Nausea's... not as bad. GREG HOUSE: Radiation sickness has a latency period. You'll get better before you get worse. [House sits in front of him. A bat passes] JOHN: You wanna know what I really did down there? GREG HOUSE: Only if it's interesting. JOHN: [smiling at the memory] The women there... during Carnival, they... they do this dance. They call it the Devil Dance. GREG HOUSE: Not interesting. JOHN: I spent all forty days with this attaché to the Minister of Defense. The most... buttoned-down woman you'd ever meet. You know? 'Cept when she did this dance. She agreed to tell me stuff... [John winces as he feels some pain] GREG HOUSE: Okay, we have half a good story there. JOHN: Karma. GREG HOUSE: Best way to rid yourself of that guilt is to confess your sins. JOHN: This pain is... right. It's comforting. It makes me think that... somehow, it all makes sense. [Suddenly, House has an epiphany] GREG HOUSE: What do you mean, forty days? JOHN: When they found out... what she... told me. GREG HOUSE: Carnival in Bolivia's only eight days. [small bat] You have any idea what a chestnut looks like? [John looks at him in confusion] [Cut to CIA Hospital, Terzi's Office. Night. House bursts inside and speaks to Terzi] GREG HOUSE: You idiot. SAMIRA TERZI: Who are you calling an idiot? [House turns around to see Agent Smith sitting on the couch] GREG HOUSE: Whoever knew that John was stationed in Brazil, not Bolivia. SAMIRA TERZI: Brazil? GREG HOUSE: [turning to Smith] Well, then, I guess I'm talking to you, idiot. AGENT SMITH: It's the same region. It's the same parasites, same diseases. GREG HOUSE: But not the same language. In Bolivia, chestnuts are chestnuts. Brazil, on the other hand, it's castanhas-do-Pará, literally, "chestnuts from Pará". Because it would be stupid for people from Brazil to call them Brazil nuts! AGENT SMITH: So he ate Brazil nuts. Big deal. GREG HOUSE: No, he ate a lot of Brazil nuts. Which is a big deal, because they contain selenium. [Terzi closes her eyes, understanding] GREG HOUSE: Which, in high doses, causes fatigue, vomiting, skin irritation, discharge from the fingernail beds, and hair loss. Any of that sounding familiar? AGENT SMITH: Can you treat it? GREG HOUSE: We've already started. Treatment's chelation, same as for radiation sickness. The only difference is it works a lot better on nut poisoning. AGENT SMITH: So what's the problem? SAMIRA TERZI: You're an idiot. [House turns to her, to see who she called an idiot. She looks from Smith to House, confirming that Smith was the idiot. House looks back at Smith, who folds his arms, annoyed] [Cut to Casey's room. Night. Casey shivers as Foreman pulls her blanket off. Lou sits at the side, while Brennan watches] LOU ALFONSO: Why is she shivering? TRAVIS BRENNAN: Low serum calcium is a side effect of the treatment. I can give her a calcium supplement. CASEY ALFONSO: My arm hurts. TRAVIS BRENNAN: Infusion rate has to remain high for the treatment to work. LOU ALFONSO: Is it working? [Foreman pricks Casey's toe with a pin. She reacts with a start] ERIC FOREMAN: You feel that? CASEY ALFONSO: Yeah. [excited] It hurts. [Foreman almost can't believe it] TRAVIS BRENNAN: It's working. This is fantastic. [Lou goes over to an elated Casey, clasps her hand and kisses her on the forehead. Brennan smiles happily at a nonplussed Foreman] [Cut to CIA Hospital, Hallway. House walks with Terzi] GREG HOUSE: There's a lot you can learn in my fellowship. A few new procedures I could teach you. 'Course, we'd need a nurse to prep. SAMIRA TERZI: I know how to kll a man with my thumb. GREG HOUSE: Actually, I was just trying to make another euphemism for sex. SAMIRA TERZI: So was I. [Curtis, who has been walking behind them, sighs in exasperation] SIDNEY CURTIS: Oh, God. How can you flirt with this idiot? He lied to us again and again. He broke laws, ethical codes... [They stop at the elevator] GREG HOUSE: I was right. SIDNEY CURTIS: That doesn't mean everything. SAMIRA TERZI: It means a lot. [shakes Curtis' hand] Dr. Curtis. [shakes House's hand] Dr. House. Appreciate your help. [She walks off. Curtis enters the elevator. House hangs back, watching Terzi walk away. The elevator door starts to close. House clumsily manages to pry it open and enter] [Cut to Doctor's Lounge. Night. Foreman sits alone, despondent. Cameron enters] ALLISON CAMERON: Hey. ERIC FOREMAN: [downcast] Hey. [Setting her bag down, she sits in front of him. He raises his eyebrows at her, waiting for her to speak] ALLISON CAMERON: When... when you were dying, you tried to infect me. Because you knew I'd fight for you if I thought I was dying too. ERIC FOREMAN: You bringing this up now so I'll forgive you for messing with my patient? ALLISON CAMERON: I'm happy I changed jobs. But I know I'll never have that sort of... excitement. ERIC FOREMAN: You miss people trying to kll you? ALLISON CAMERON: No. I miss... people doing whatever it takes to get the job done. [bat] I guess that's why I'm having trouble giving it up. I shouldn't have helped them mess with your patient. ERIC FOREMAN: [sighs] They had to screw with me. I've gotten everything wrong. ALLISON CAMERON: I don't believe it. You're not gonna get everything right. But you're never gonna get everything wrong. [With a smile, she leaves. Foreman considers her words] [Cut to Aerial View of PPTH. Day] [Cut to PPTH Auditorium. Day. House enters brightly. The Fellows, coffee-cups in hand, are already there. No Foreman. though] GREG HOUSE: Morning! CHRIS TAUB: Uh, where have you been the last two days? GREG HOUSE: Overslept. TRAVIS BRENNAN: We saved Speed Racer. LAWRENCE KUTNER: She had polio. We cured it with Vitamin C. GREG HOUSE: Yeah. I cured depression with tonic water once. Actually, I think there was some gin in it too. CHRIS TAUB: Hundred and fifty grams over six hours. It worked. [Behind them, Foreman enters, carrying a test result] ERIC FOREMAN: No, it didn't. [They turn to him] ERIC FOREMAN: I told you you can't cure polio. That means either she's not cured or she never had it. Since she's walking out of here... [He hands the test result to House] ERIC FOREMAN: I tested her blood from admittance. No polio. That means Brennan screwed up the lab tests. TRAVIS BRENNAN: Or you screwed up your lab tests. AMBER VOLAKIS: [to Foreman] You must have. She got better. ERIC FOREMAN: So it's relapsing and remitting. Maybe... porphyria. GREG HOUSE: Nah, that's a stretch. If she had porphyria, you would have seen purple urine. ERIC FOREMAN: You think it's more likely he cured polio? GREG HOUSE: They believe it. Her symptoms fit perfectly. And the alternative is unbelievably convoluted. Some doctor would have to poison her with thallium so it looks like polio, then fake a lab test, then give her Vitamin C and stop the poison so she magically gets better. [as if just realizing] Actually... [to Brennan] it is kinda doable, right? [Foreman looks at Brennan, shocked. Brennan looks expressionlessly at them. The others also are surprised] GREG HOUSE: So what do you think? Should we test her for thallium before you contact Stockholm? "THIRTEEN": [to Brennan, astonished] You poisoned her? GREG HOUSE: The really shocking thing is that Foreman was right about the heatstroke. TRAVIS BRENNAN: [persistent] Vitamin C cures polio. I've seen it. GREG HOUSE: Yeah. In some bush clinic. You needed polio in a place with a proper lab. The only problem is that places with proper labs don't have polio. TRAVIS BRENNAN: [standing up and approaching House] There is no money in finding cures for diseases that only kll poor people. [to the others] This will make them do research. [The other Fellows are too stunned to respond] TRAVIS BRENNAN: [to Foreman and House] And what do you care if I faked a lab test if it saves a few thousand lives? I did what I had to do. Isn't that what you hired us for? [He looks at House, pleadingly] GREG HOUSE: [nods, sighs] Which is why I'm not gonna fre you. [Brennan is relieved] GREG HOUSE: You're gonna quit. [Brennan's relief evaporates as he looks at House] GREG HOUSE: Go on, get outta here. [Resigned, Brennan nods and leaves] ERIC FOREMAN: So you're just gonna let him go? GREG HOUSE: Absolutely. I'm gonna let him get as far away as possible before you call the cops. Guy's a nut job. [to the Fellows] Who the hell did I leave in charge? [The Fellows point to Foreman] CHRIS TAUB: Foreman. GREG HOUSE: There was a reason for that. Next time, listen to him. [House leaves. Foreman, not normally used to getting praise from House, has a hint of a smile on his frowning face] [Cut to PPTH Lobby. Night. House is on his way out. Cuddy comes up behind him] LISA CUDDY: Where have you been? And don't say the CIA. GREG HOUSE: Okay. By the way, one of my employees... LISA CUDDY: Either you're gonna have to get someone from the CIA to call and confirm your story, or [smiling] you're doing eight clinic hours and Wilson is doing sixteen. [House acts like he's about to divulge a big secret] GREG HOUSE: [seriously] I was in the Hamptons. I was helping some rich hedge-fund jerk treat his son's sniffles. Fascinating as that sounds. [Cuddy seems to buy the bull] LISA CUDDY: For your honesty, I will forgive _your_ hours. GREG HOUSE: Thank you. [House turns slowly, making a gargantuan effort not to smile at his boss' naivété. He moves a couple of steps towards the door, when...] LISA CUDDY: [obviously didn't believe him] No! [House turns] LISA CUDDY: The only thing less likely than your helping the CIA is your helping some rich guy on Long Island. You're doing your hours and Wilson's. GREG HOUSE: I know how to kll a man with my thumb. LISA CUDDY: Who doesn't? [She walks away. Thwarted, House leaves the hospital] [Cut toOutside, he walks and sees Dr. Terzi, sitting on a bench. She stands when she sees him] SAMIRA TERZI: Hi. GREG HOUSE: Hi. [She approaches him. He bites his lower lip] SAMIRA TERZI: I'm going to take you up on your offer. GREG HOUSE: Yeah? Well, I, uh, I live a couple miles from here. SAMIRA TERZI: [giggles] That's not the offer I meant. I gave notice today. GREG HOUSE: You said you were happy at the Company. SAMIRA TERZI: I lied. Doubt you'll hold it against me. [b*at] I'll see you at nine o'clock on Monday. [House gives a small nod. With a meaningful look, she walks off. Camera holds on House] END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x06 - Whatever It Takes"}	foreverdreaming
FADE IN EXT. - TRAIN STATION - DAY - DOCUMENTARY - BLACK & WHITE JOE: (on the phone) We just arrived. Yeah, kids okay on your end? Good. Yeah, yeah, he's VERY excited. Hey, hey, listen, I gotta go, okay. I'll call you tomorrow. (pulls out his luggage from a wire bin) Excuse me. [A young lady, JENNY, starts doing a passable imitation of a car alarm, in reaction to a teenaged boy with a HUGE growth on his forehead.] JOE: (protectively) Get away. Get away. FATHER: Sorry about that. Sorry. JENNY: (tearfully) What's wrong with him? EXT. - TRAIN STATION - DAY JOE: Excuse us. DOC - B & W JOE: I oughta go back and kick the hell out of that guy. TRAIN STATION JOE: She's old enough. She didn't have to scream like that. KENNY: It's okay, Dad. It didn't bother me. DOC - B & W KENNY: For the first time, none of these people bothered me. I just think thirty-six more hours. TRAIN STATION - The earnest young doco-maker, DARNELL, walks backwards in front of Joe and Kenny. DARNELL: Thirty-six more hours. How do you figure that, Kenny? DOC - B & W KENNY: Tomorrow at this time, I'm scheduled for surgery. It's a ten hour procedure, throw two in it for prep, thirty-six until I'm just another face in the crowd. TRAIN STATION - Joe, Kenny pull ahead of the crew as they emerge from the station. EXT. - PPTH - DAY - Side-on view of the back of PPTH. INT. - OR - Kenny is lying on the table, prepped. DOC - B & W - Flashes of the prep, a nervous CHASE. CHASE: (formally) Kenny has a frontonasal encephalocele. It's a midline deformity. He's here to undergo a facial bipartition. OR - Darnell, cameraman, camera are arrayed in appropriate sterile gear. DARNELL: And what does that mean? CHASE: Well, we have five surgeons... DOC - B & W CHASE: ... four nurses. He's going to require six units of blood. DARNELL: Will it fix him? CHASE: It'll repair a lot... OR CHASE: of the damage done by the... [Darnell looks at her cameraman.] DARNELL: We need a sound bite. (to Chase) Would you say he'd be ready for the junior prom? DOC - B & W CHASE: Yeah, yeah, well, that's probably true. OR - Darnell waits impatiently. DARNELL: No, I need you to say it. DOC - B & W - As Chase opens his mouth, he’s interrupted. CRANIO SURGEON: Dr. Chase? OR - Chase turns. ANESTHESIOLOGIST: We got an issue. [Chase goes to Kenny, feels his throat pulse.] ANESTHESIOLOGIST: Heart rate's skyrocketing. It's over 180. CHASE: He's in v-fib. Paddles. DOC - B & W CHASE: Charge to 300. (to cameraman) Turn that camera off. OR - Filming continues. CHASE: Is this a reaction to anesthesia? ANESTHESIOLOGIST: Haven't given it yet. [Cameraman deftly avoids everyone as Chase takes the paddles.] CHASE: Clear! [He shocks Kenny. Nothing.] Crank to 360. DOC - B & W - Chase sees they're still filming. CHASE: (to cameraman) I said 'Turn that damn camera off!' (to the room) Clear! [Someone puts a hand out, blocking the lens.] CREDITS INT. - CUDDY'S OFFICE - DOC - B & W CUDDY, dressed to the nines, sits in a chair along one corner of her office. She picks up a file, begins. CUDDY: A teen-aged boy with a cranio-facial deformity was about to undergo a reconstructive procedure when he had an unexplained cardiac arrest. [The camera moves to the sofa. Chase is at Cuddy’s end, looking attentive, HOUSE at the other end, staring into the lens, looking almost catatonic.] HOUSE: Good. [Chase stares at House, shocked.] CUDDY: (whispers) Good? [Cuddy, Chase stare at House, appalled.] HOUSE: (still staring intently) I mean... go on. CHASE: We have the patient on a pacing wire. It's the only thing keeping his heart going. HOUSE: Yeah, we know. We're doctors. CHASE: Right. I was just... it was just for them... (indicates the crew) INT. - CUDDY’S OFFICE DARNELL: Just be yourself. DOC - B & W CHASE: Until we are able to figure out exactly what is causing the heart block, the reconstructive surgery is on hold, obviously. HOUSE: (incredulously) That's yourself? (grimaces) Fascinating case. (rises) I will see you again after I have saved his life. (takes the file from Cuddy) Have a warm bath waiting. CUDDY'S OFFICE - The crowd scatters. House strides across Cuddy's office. DOC - B & W - Nearly at the door, House turns to the cameraman. HOUSE: You following me? CUDDY: (smugly) Darnell will be trailing you throughout the case. DARNELL: Pretend we're not here. HOUSE: If I do that, won't I bump into you? DARNELL: We'll stay out of your way. HOUSE: (summoning patience) You know, it's a joke. (falsely sincere) See, I became a doctor because of the movie 'Patch Adams'.(considers) Uh, listen, do you want to get ahead of me, maybe back up, I don't know, low down, makes me look more powerful... CUDDY'S OFFICE - House opens the door, herds Darnell, crew out. DARNELL: (buying it) That's, that's perfect. HOUSE: (oozing faux charm) Yeah. Also my eyes look better in... DOC - B & W HOUSE: ...rooms with summer colors. CUDDY'S OFFICE DARNELL: You know what, it's black and white... DOC - B & W - House slams the door in her face. CUDDY'S OFFICE - House keeps his back to the door. Cuddy goes on the attck. CUDDY: You think I LIKE the cameras? (stalks across the room) You think I want the whole world watching you check out my ass and question my wardrobe? HOUSE: (unrepentant) Would it be better if I checked out your wardrobe and questioned your ass? CUDDY: (behind her desk) A little part of me... HOUSE: There is no little part of you. CUDDY: (persevering) ...thought that maybe you would see what great PR this could be for the hospital, and not make ME force YOU to act like a human being. HOUSE: You using force on me is... intriguing. (glances outside her office) On the other hand, cameras make people act. Sometimes like human beings, sometimes just weird, sometimes they wear open-tipped bras. CUDDY: It's cold in here. [House takes a split second to reclaim his brain from his breeches.] HOUSE: Less obvious point is that I need my team (glances again at the crew)to be unafraid of the metaphorical fart. CUDDY: That production company is covering all the medical costs for this kid. So, either you let them continue filming... or the kid goes home with the same face. [Cuddy sits, triumphant. House glances back at the crew once more, then, having no suitable rejoinder, beats a swift retreat.] DOC - B & W - House leaves Cuddy's office. HOUSE: Sorry about that. Private. (glares back at Cuddy) She waxes her mustache once a month... sometimes gets some pretty gnarly ingrown hairs. [The camera leaves House to refocus on an annoyed, suspicious Cuddy.] INT. - AUDITORIUM - The remaining candidates, COLE, TAUB, VOLAKIS, KUTNER, THIRTEEN, sit scattered across the auditorium. TERZI sits confidently down front. COLE: So, did he hire you flat out, or are you competing for one of the spots? TERZI: I'm not sure what you mean by that. VOLAKIS: She's not competing. She was hand-picked by House. She's safe, like Foreman, so that takes three spots down to one. [The left-side door bangs open; the crew back in before Darnell, House. The candidates register their surprise.] HOUSE: Where's Foreman? COLE: He's in the bathroom. HOUSE: Good. Come on, let's go for a walk. [House reaches up, grabs the boom mic.] DOC - B & W HOUSE: (with faux drama) Walks look good on camera. They give the illusion of the story moving forward. [The candidates follow, watching the camera. Kutner waves as he walks past.] INT. - HALLWAY - DOC - B & W - House leads them down a narrow hallway. HOUSE: New patient. INT. - HALLWAY HOUSE: Sixteen-year-old boy with second-degree... DOC - B & W HOUSE: ...infranodal heart block, post-arrest. HALLWAY THIRTEEN: Any reports of light-headedness or syncope? DOC - B & W HOUSE: Certainly not light-headedness. [Volakis pulls ahead, turns to House.] VOLAKIS: Why did you hire her? HOUSE: Not in front of the company. KUTNER: Are we going to be on TV? HOUSE: I'm making a music video. Come on, move faster, more energy. TAUB: (suspicious) Why are you glad Foreman's not here? HOUSE: Because... he would object to what I'm about to do. [House gives a little mewl of faux disappointment, indicates the sign by the door. The camera follows - 'Restricted Access, No Metal Allowed, Strong Magnetic Field'. He mouths 'Sorry' as he closes the door.] INT. - MRI CHAMBER - The candidates stand awkwardly around the MRI machine, the loud thrum of the MRI overshadowing all. HOUSE: (to the tech) Hey buddy! [The patient raises his head curiously.] You stay in there. (points at the patient)We'll be out here making sure he doesn't move again. (to the universe) Gah! FINALLY hear myself think. Our patient has... VOLAKIS: Why did you hire her? [Terzi glares at Volakis.] HOUSE: Because she has way more diagnostic experience than the other swimsuit models I was considering. (references the file) Our patient has a frontonasal encephalocele with a midline cleft. (raises a picture) Ew. Don't stare directly at it. (hands it to Thirteen) So, what caused Big Head's heart to stop? TAUB: Simple. His big head. Increased intracranial pressure would cause heart block. HOUSE: Wrong. Sixteen years they've been testing that insane noggin to death. [Cole hands the pic to Taub.] TERZI: (acquiring the pic) What about a congenital heart defect? He has a midline anomaly on his head, makes sense he'd have a midline anomaly in his heart too. HOUSE: That sixteen years of testing didn't show? VOLAKIS: Why did you bring her in so late? It's not fair. The rest of us... HOUSE: Hey hey! You want fair, you picked the wrong job. The wrong profession. (pauses to think) The wrong species. Forget the deformity. Treat the patient like he's any other really, really ugly kid. COLE: Infection. Could be endocarditis. THIRTEEN: Well, since he doesn't have a prosthetic heart valve, I assume you're thinking he's an IV drug user? COLE: House said assume he's normal. Dealers don't ask for ID and don't care what you look like. HOUSE: Nice. You're right about the habit, you're wrong about the substance. (indicates the pic) Blackened skin under the nose equals frostbite from huffing Freon. Freon's toxic, damages the heart. TAUB: Discoloration could be acanthosis nigricans. It's a common side effect of these deformities. THIRTEEN: There's also discoloration on the cheeks and forehead. HOUSE: Do a nuclear study. If I'm right, you'll see scarring of the heart. [The candidates scatter. Terzi stays behind, walks over to House.] TERZI: I'm not part of some game, am I? I gave up a career because I thought this was a firm offer. HOUSE: Yes. This is a real offer. [Terzi nods, walks away. House stares after her.] INT. - WILSON'S OFFICE - House leans against Wilson's door, stricken. HOUSE: I think she might be an idiot. WILSON: (working on the ever-present paperwork) Who? HOUSE: But she can't be an idiot. She's in the CIA, for God's sake. WILSON: The Bay of Pigs was a daring triumph. [House paces to the far side of Wilson's desk.] HOUSE: She had good ideas in Langley. WILSON: All your ideas. HOUSE: She was able to identify that they were good ideas. [House paces back to the door.] WILSON: sab in the dark here. Is she pretty? HOUSE: She's new. She's nervous. WILSON: She's a 'C' cup. [House reaches the door again.] HOUSE: She said one dumb thing in the differential. [House turns, puts his back against the door.] HOUSE: They ALL say dumb things in differentials. WILSON: A 'D' cup? (bat) If she's no good, just fre her. HOUSE: I can't! I just hired her. She left a career. WILSON: (double-takes) Wow! [House glares at Wilson.] WILSON: Either that's actual guilt, or I've GOT to see this woman. [House continues the death-glare before turning away, staring off into the distance.] INT. - OUTSIDE POTW'S ROOM - DOC - B & W - Joe, Taub confer. JOE: My son is not 'huffing Freon'. TAUB: Mr. Arnold, Dr. House is like a savant when it comes (glances quickly at the camera) to diagnostics. JOE: What's his genius theory? Because Kenny's not normal, (gestures at his son) he's doing drugs to deal with his pain? TAUB: Maybe a way to look at this is that you ARE normal. (nods) JOE: And what's that supposed to mean? TAUB: You're like any other parent... who thinks HIS kid can't be doing drugs. [The camera blurs, refocuses on Kenny, resting.] INT. - NUCLEAR STUDIES LAB - DOC - B & W - Kenny is sitting up. KENNY: Doing this because my dad thinks I'm on drugs? INT. - NUCLEAR STUDIES LAB - Kenny sits on a diagnostic table. Kutner prepares to administer the test. KUTNER: I was doing drugs behind my parent's back at your age, and I had a lot less reason to be. [Kutner realizes the stupidity of his comment, tries to make amends.] KUTNER: Not that your life must be miserable. DOC - B & W - Kutner turns, looks directly at the camera, still trying to fix his boneheaded comment. KUTNER: Not that I am suggesting you should be doing drugs. NUCLEAR STUDIES LAB KUTNER:(desperately changing the subject) How's school going? KENNY: I'm homeschooled. KUTNER: Really? You're lucky. Going to school was boring. KENNY: My dad took me out and it wasn't because it was 'boring'. KUTNER: I had a rough time in school too. Maybe not like you (makes a hand gesture like Kenny's deformity) but, uh, well... I don't mean to compare our situations. (thinks a moment) Actually, I guess I am comparing our situations, but only to show you how yours is worse. DOC - B & W - Kutner turns to the cameraman. KUTNER: You can edit that out, right? So I don't look like an idiot? NUCLEAR STUDIES LAB KENNY: Relax. Everyone acts like an idiot around me. Makes ya think it's not an act. Can I have something for my headache? KUTNER: Yeah. Is that new? KENNY: Sixteen years old. It has the same birthday I do. [Kutner stares, astonished.] KUTNER: (quietly) I'm gonna start the test now. INT. - OR - House, et al. lurk in a random OR. KUTNER: Studies showed no signs of scarring in Kenny's heart. TAUB: It wasn't drugs. [House, Kutner, Taub stand in a half-circle. House peruses the film.] HOUSE: Well, then give me something better. What's causing heart block? TAUB: Could be toxoplasmosis. We should do an LP to test for infection. HOUSE: If it was toxoplasmosis, we'd've seen enlarged lymphs. And because you're not pretty enough to be an idiot, you must know that already. Which means you just said it because you want to do an LP for intracranial pressure. [Kutner watches, smirking as House, Taub spar.] TAUB: Because it IS intracranial pressure. HOUSE: Wait. I'm not done. You thought I wouldn't catch on, which means either you think I'M an idiot, which is flattering, doing my hair differently, or ... KUTNER: The kid's got headaches. He's been popping acetaminophen like peanuts... HOUSE: (to Kutner) How could you POSSIBLY think that I was done? I prefaced that with an 'either'. It needs an 'or'. (to Taub) Or you ARE an idiot. Which is possible. I'm not great at judging men's looks. [House seems embarrassed at the admission. Taub gawps at Kutner, obviously unsure how to take that.] INT. - CUDDY’S OFFICE - DOC - B & W - Cuddy sits at her desk, looking earnest for the camera. CUDDY: The OR? DARNELL: And the MRI room. CUDDY: Yes. (long bat) Dr. House frequently conducts differential diagnosis in a variety of places. (shoveling fast, furious) He feels that a... change in venue often leads to a change in thinking processes. [She nods - 'That's my story - I'm sticking to it'.] CUDDY: I have to go take care of something else. [She pops up brightly, charges out of her office. Her expression changes to one of fury as soon as she’s beyond the camera's range.] INT. - OR - The argument continues. TAUB: Just let me do a CT scan, see if I'm right. The sooner we fix the problem, the sooner we can get to his reconstructive surgery. HOUSE: Who cares if you're dad? It's how you look. Well, since you've given me nothing better, we're back to drugs. TAUB: The one thing we're know it's not. [House hands the film to Taub.] HOUSE: Decreased uptake on the membranous septum. KUTNER: Could be an artifact. We can redo it. HOUSE: But nothing's nothing. Do an EP study. TAUB: EP study means we have to stop this kid's heart. [House looks grim. He and Taub exchange looks. They both look at Kutner, who beams. KUTNER: I'll set it up. [He dashes off. Then, a voice from above.] CUDDY: House! [House turns, sees Cuddy up on the observation deck.] CUDDY: You have a minute? .To redo some valves? [House looks guilty, walks off. Taub smiles.] INT. - CARDIO LAB - DOCUMENTARY BLACK & WHITE - Taub is prepping for the test. TAUB: I'm gonna thread this catheter through different areas in your heart. And once I've found the right pathway, I'll apply some electrical energy. INT. - CARDIO LAB KENNY: Will it stop my heart? TAUB: Sounds worse than it is. You'll be fine. KENNY: It gonna hurt? TAUB: There'll be some discomfort. (bat) If you've done drugs, I understand. Being different's really hard. [Taub glances at the camera as it moves in closer.] DOCUMENTARY BLACK & WHITE - Taub raises his eyebrows - 'do you mind?'. CARDIO LAB - Darnell touches the cameraman's arm. The camera backs off. TAUB: Kenny. Uhm, it's more important for you to get better than to worry about getting in trouble. KENNY: If I did drugs, that could explain my heart problem? TAUB: It could. KENNY: Then you could do the surgery to fix my face? DOC - B & W TAUB: That's why we're here. KENNY: You know how famous people, everywhere they go, people are watching them, staring? They never have a chance to just be. (pause) Ya know? And a lot of them turn to drugs. People stare at them because they're beautiful. But me, they just stare at.... CARDIO LAB - Kenny begins to cough. TAUB: You okay? (the coughing eases) I need to know what kind of drugs, Kenny... and how much. KENNY: Uhm, coke, mostly. Lotta coke. And then uh, when I run out, I used to go to LSD. Or acid. TAUB: Those are the same thing. KENNY: They are? TAUB: You don't do drugs, do you? KENNY: I drank from my dad's liquor cabinet... TAUB: We're not going to do this test. [The coughing gets worse.] KENNY: No.... TAUB: I need you to turn on your side. [Kenny begins to spit up blood.] TAUB: We need to intubate. (louder) I need some help in here! DOC - B & W - The camera catches a glimpse of Kenny, coughing his life's-blood onto the floor. FIRST ADS INT. - CUDDY’S OFFICE House is pacing. Cuddy sits in a chair just outside the door, reading a magazine, looking nervously into her office. The rest of the gng is standing, sitting, or leaning as they find space. HOUSE: Too bad you guys are going for a theatrical release. Vomiting blood would have made a great act-out. Likely causes? KUTNER: Mallory Weiss tear. HOUSE: No pallor. No melena. (scornfully) Why are you wearing a tie? INT. - CUDDY’S OFFICE - DOC - B & W KUTNER: (earnestly into the camera) I always wear ties. I'm a doctor. DARNELL: Please don't look at the camera. KUTNER: Sorry. [Volakis looks up from her vantage point on the table by the sofa.] VOLAKIS: (earnestly) Nasal papilloma. Hemorrhage could have overwhelmed the heart. HOUSE: Nice lipstick. VOLAKIS: Thank you. [The camera is deliberately blocked by House's suit jacket.] HOUSE: Bad idea. CUDDY’S OFFICE HOUSE: The hemorrhage came after the block. [The cameraman moves. House moves with him. Foreman speaks up from where he's leaning against the bookcase.] FOREMAN: House. Let them do their job. HOUSE: Anybody here more interested in the medicine and a little less interested in the paparazzi? [House cocks his thumb at the camera crew, thoroughly annoyed.] TERZI: Upper GI bleed. Could be something he ate or drank. Maybe a peptic ulcer. HOUSE: Good. FOREMAN: Except no abdominal pain, the patient hasn't lost his appetite, and the last I checked the gastrointestinal tract isn't connected to the heart. HOUSE: Yeah. But other than that. Real good. THIRTEEN: Nasopharyngeal angiofibrosis. HOUSE: I just said it wasn't a nasal tumor. COLE: Stomach cancer. Tumor causes bleeding, body's reaction to the tumor causes paraneoplastic syndrome which leads to heart block. [House walks over to the far corner where Cole is standing.] HOUSE: Finally! Someone who is NOT just a pretty face. You and Taub, run the 'scope, find the tumor. [Taub stands.] TAUB: Ah... could be dangerous. If the bleeding was caused by liver failure as a result of the intracranial pressure.... HOUSE: Liver is the one organ you can't ascribe to intracranial pressure. [The camera, everyone’s eyes swing to Taub.] DOC - B & W - Taub does a 'deer-in-the-headlights'. TAUB: True. [Taub walks off.] INT. - MEN'S ROOM - Taub, Cole are at the urinals. TAUB: (muttering) Intracranial pressure CAN cause liver problems. It causes an increase in the cavernous sinus pressure, which causes pressure in the superior vena cava, which shuts down the liver. COLE: Did you just think of that? TAUB: No. COLE: Then why didn't you say anything...? TAUB: Think he'd change his mind? Not a chance. [Taub finishes, goes over to the sink.] TAUB: House would have undercut me, forced me to do a procedure I'd just argued against... [Taub turns to Cole as he joins him.] TAUB: ...and then I'd look like a hypocrite in front of the thousands of people and potential future employers watching this film. COLE: If you're right and you stick a 'scope back down a kid with liver failure, he could bleed again. TAUB: I know. INT. - POTW'S ROOM - DOCUMENTARY BLACK & WHITE - Taub explains the procedure to Joe. JOE: He just vomited blood. Isn't that dangerous? [Taubs thinks, glances at the camera, comes to a decision.] TAUB: (oozing sincerity) Nope. You're in good hands. [Joe still unsure, throws up his hands.] JOE: All right. [The camera swings to Kenny, being examined by Cole. Kenny looks concerned as he watches his father.] EXT. - PPTH - DAY - The backside of PPTH bakes gently in the sun. WILSON: (VOICEOVER) Well, it's great how he rebounded... INT. - WILSON'S OFFICE - DOC - B & W - Wilson is at his desk, radiating serious. WILSON: ... from that setback. DARNELL: What setback? WILSON: He didn't tell you about the... well, it's his right. The records WERE sealed. Personally, I think he WAS just tapping his foot and reaching for the toilet paper. Obviously, it was a witch hunt. DARNELL: You think they singled him out because... WILSON: No. Literally a witch hunt. Dr. House is a practicing Wiccan. It's a beautiful religion. It's very caring. [Wilson startles at the bang of the door.] HOUSE: Hey, hey, hey hey! [House puts his face into the sht. Very annoyed.] You have an all-access pass to the case, not my Fave Five. So go. INT. - WILSON'S OFFICE - House shoos Darnell et al. out. HOUSE: Come on, come on - let's go! [House watches them leave, stalks over to steal Wilson's chair.] HOUSE: I think I'm going blind. WILSON: Hairy palms, too? [Wilson moves from atop his desk to one of the chairs against the wall.] HOUSE: She said something idiotic again and I didn't even notice it. It took Foreman to point out that it was idiotic. She's making ME an idiot. WILSON: That's cute. You have a crush. HOUSE: No, I think it's something systemic. WILSON: Thirteen's pretty. You're obviously okay with her. HOUSE: She klled a PATIENT. WILSON: The bitch is pretty. HOUSE: The bitch is a bitch. WILSON: Ask her out. HOUSE: The bitch? She's a BITCH. WILSON: No. The one that's making you an idiot. The story of life. Boy meets girl, boy gets stupid, boy and girl live stupidly ever after. [House's pager goes off.] WILSON: Pretty girl kll again? HOUSE: Nope, Elephant Boy just vomiting up blood again. [House rises, heads out. Wilson stares after him.] INT. - AUDITORIUM - Candidates, film crew, Foreman - all eyes are on the door as House walks in. House glares suspiciously at the candidates as Cole begins his report. COLE: No tumors in the patient's stomach. So... TAUB: (interrupting) The laparoscope caused variceal bleeding. Took twenty minutes of banding to stop it. COLE: Taub was right about the liver failure. HOUSE: Yeah. [House transfers his glare to the film crew.] TAUB: His cranio-facial deformity is causing intracranial pressure which is cau... HOUSE: Nope. Where are the nosebleeds? Where's the labored bleeding? You were right about me being wrong. You're wrong about you being right. (to the room) I need new ideas. Anybody. [House looks around.] INT. - AUDITORIUM - DOC - B & W - Thirteen stares at the camera, trapped, then guiltily at House. Volakis glances at House, then down, away. AUDITORIUM - Silence reigns as Foreman, House look on. DOC - B & W - The other candidates are equally unwilling to risk appearing the fool on film. AUDITORIUM - House grows more and more impatient. Finally, he whirls on the film crew, causing the mic operator to jump back. HOUSE: Does it bother you... DOC - B & W HOUSE: ...that this kid's gonna die because you won't put down that camera? AUDITORIUM HOUSE: At all? You know? DARNELL: You people should be extra motivated. I'm sure they all want to look good in the film. DOC - B & W HOUSE: (sarcastically patient) No. Now they're too worried about looking BAD. AUDITORIUM TERZI: Dr. House. [House turns.] TERZI: Heart block plus liver failure could mean auto-immune. Maybe scleroderma. HOUSE: (out of the corner of his mouth) Foreman? Does that make sense? FOREMAN: Not without tight skin on the hands, muscle weakness, and a thirty-year-old patient. THIRTEEN: Liver failure plus heart block could be a mitochondrial disorder. [House raises his eyebrows, deciding if it makes sense, then calls to Kutner.] HOUSE: Hey. Say what she just said. KUTNER: (confused) Liver failure plus heart block could be a mitochondrial disorder? [House considers, then raises his cane - 'go forth'.] HOUSE: Go look for signs of retinal degeneration. TAUB: No. It's ICP. You're only going to see swelling. House indicates Taub with his cane. HOUSE: Take him with you, so he can see the degeneration too. Taub gets up obediently; Volakis, Taub leave. INT. - ER - DOC - B & W - Cameron is dealing with a patient, middle-aged, male. DARNELL: So, before you worked here in the ER, you worked for House, right? CAMERON: Three-and-a-half years. DARNELL: Why did you leave? MALE PATIENT: Hey. I don't want to be on TV. I'm not signing a release. DARNELL: We'll blur you out. CAMERON: (to patient) Take off your pants. MALE PATIENT: (to cameraman) Will you be able to use any of this if I start swearing? INT. - ER - Darnell stands there looking earnest. DARNELL: Did House treat you as badly as he treats his current fellows? DOC - B & W CAMERON: Loaded question. MALE PATIENT: (bending over table) Faaark. (giggles) That's not even a word. ER MALE PATIENT: (still giggling) Fork! DARNELL: (dryly) Very clever. [Cameron, Darnell share a moment of exasperation.] DOC - B & W CAMERON: I learned how to be a doctor from House. Or at least a doctor who learned how to be a doctor from House, if that makes any sense. ER DARNELL: And you left his team because you couldn't stand him any more? DOC - B & W - Cameron leans over, examining the patient. CAMERON: No... no. I... I love Dr. House. ER DARNELL: Well that's something we haven't heard. DOC - B & W - Cameron stares at the camera, realizing the implications too late. CAMERON: I mean... (the blue screen of death descends) what did you ask me again? DARNELL: Why you left. [Cameron tries, fails, to make it better.] CAMERON: I loved... being around him. Professionally. You know... he was always... stimulating. Not... in an erotic sense of the word. MALE PATIENT: (grinning knowingly) Fork! They forked. And then they spooned. INT. - LAB - DOCUMENTARY BLACK & WHITE - Volakis' face fills the screen. VOLAKIS: Lean forward and place your chin on the rest. [Kenny tries, fails.] KENNY: I can't reach it. INT. - OPTICAL TESTING ROOM - Volakis, unsure, glances over at Taub. VOLAKIS: Uh, scootch in a little. [Taub turns confidently to Joe.] TAUB: I'll take care of it. [He begins to walk over to Kenny.] JOE: (quietly sarcastic) Just like last time? Taub stops, turns back, glares at Joe before continuing over to Kenny. TAUB: Maybe we should try this the old-fashioned way (waves a ophthalmoscope back and forth), hmmm? [Taub shooes Volakis, who moves the equipment table out of the way, then stands behind Taub, hands on hips, very put out.] TAUB: 'k.... Look up at the ceiling. And try not to blink, okay? DOC - B & W - Taub examines one eye, then the other. TAUB: Ok, good. Now straight ahead. OPTICAL TESTING - Taub continues the exam as Volakis glares. DOC - B & W - He straightens triumphantly. TAUB: There it is. Swelling. No degeneration. [He smiles at Kenny then glances at Volakis, who nods her agreement.] TAUB: (VOICEOVER) It's not mitochondrial. Swelling proves... INT. - HALLWAY - The gng proceeds down the hallway, crew tagging along behind like a set of meta-ducklings. TAUB: ... there's increased pressure in his brain. [The gng round the corner.] HOUSE: Absolutely. TAUB: So now we can reschedule the reconstruction. HOUSE: Absolutely not. TAUB: Your test proved you wrong. We found exactly what I predicted we'd find. HOUSE: Swelling means there's increased pressure. You get a gold Star of David for proving that... [They round another corner.] HOUSE: ...yes, this kid has a big head and big heads cause pressure. Doesn't explain the liver. TAUB: Too much acetaminophen does. HOUSE: JRA explains all of it, including the liver. One theory's better than two. [Taub throws up a hand in frustration, covering the gesture by running his hand through his hair.] HOUSE: Treat with steroids. TAUB: IF you're wrong... [Taub stops, forcing House to stop and face him. The camera halts, swings around to better record the confrontation.] TAUB: ...steroids are going to mess with his immune system... DOC - B & W TAUB: ...put off his surgery for months. HOUSE: You really want to lose this argument in front of the camera? [Taub glances furtively at the camera, considers, caves.] TAUB: I'll speak to the father. [Taub walks off. House shrugs to the camera before walking off in the opposite direction.] INT. - POTW'S ROOM - Taub, Joe confer at the foot of Kenny's bed. The crew arrange themselves around the bed. TAUB: Dr. House believes that Kenny has JRA - Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. And we need to start administering steroids. DOC - B & W JOE: Will the steroids fix it? [Taub looks at the camera, considers, decides.] TAUB: I don't think he has JRA. POTW'S ROOM TAUB: I think Dr. House is wrong, and that the steroid treatment could be dangerous.(pause) I think I can get House thrown off the case, and get Kenny the facial surgery he needs. SECOND ADS INT. - CUDDY’S OFFICE Cuddy at her desk - Taub stands facing her. House stares out her door. CUDDY: The father refused steroids until we're sure about the diagnosis. HOUSE: I AM sure. (turns) It's JRA. [House stalks back to Taub, leans over to get into Taub's face.] HOUSE: And why would he even doubt that, unless a FORMER fellow of mine was chirping in his ear. [He paces back doorwards.] TAUB: The decision was his. I merely voiced my concern. [As he passes Taub, House fires a question at him.] HOUSE: Why did you take this job? [House reaches the door again, turns, continues to interrogate Taub.] TAUB: He's got a bulging cyst... [Cuddy stares dispassionately.] HOUSE: You had a perfectly good plastic surgery practice... lots of money. TAUB: ...fluids aren't draining properly... [House paces back to Taub. Cuddy raises her eyebrows at the antics.] HOUSE: The temptation to come screw with me just too much for you? There's got to be a better reason. TAUB: He needs surgery. [House leans over again, even heavier on the sarcasm.] HOUSE: Oh, and I think I mentioned this earlier - you're fired. [Taub cocks his head questioningly. Cuddy glares at him.] CUDDY: (to Taub) What you did was over the line. (indicates the door) Get out. [House makes a lunge for the door, holds it open for Taub. Taub looks back at him.] CUDDY: But don't go anywhere. You're not fired. (bat) YET. [Taub looks to Cuddy, then House, then leaves. House shakes his head, cocking a thumb in Taub's direction, starts to say something. Cuddy cuts him off.] CUDDY: No-one is fring anyone in the middle of this case. Not while those cameras are here, and not while Taub is the ONLY person that his father trusts. [House considers, nods, turns to leave. He gets as far as the door before Cuddy calls after him.] CUDDY: Where are you going? HOUSE: To do what I always do in these situations. [House throws open the door, starts to walk through it.] HOUSE: Treat my patient behind his back. [Cuddy looks at House with mixed patience, exasperation.] CUDDY: That's one option.(bat) Or you can do a CT scan of the kid's head. If there's no mid-line shift, we know Taub's wrong and you get your consent to give the kid steroids. [House considers in silence, as he holds the door open.] HOUSE: Just a warning. If we have to start getting consent every time we do a procedure, soon they'll be asking for INFORMED consent. [With that dire prediction, House throws the door open further, turns, leaves.] INT. - CT LAB - Kenny is being sent into the CT scanner. Taub is at the computer, Foreman standing next to him. FOREMAN: Didn't think you had the guts to stage a coup. TAUB: Coup failed. I'm scheduled for execution at dawn. FOREMAN: No, you're not. TAUB: No reprieve from the governor. FOREMAN: You're a test result away from becoming House's front-runner. He doesn't care about what you said or what you did five minutes ago. He just wants the next good idea. (bat) Show me twenty percent magnification of the forebrain. TAUB: I look at our patient, as soon as I saw his face, I saw a regular kid. [Foreman stares at him.] TAUB: One thing about being a plastic surgeon - you don't see what is, you see what could be. FOREMAN: Talk like THAT around House, doesn't matter how many good ideas you come up with. [Taub glances to Foreman, quirking his lips.] INT. - TAUB'S OLD PRACTICE OFFICE - House sits in a leather chair inside a elegantly appointed office, clicking his finger between his teeth as he waits. EX-PARTNER: So. [House sits across a desk from a middle-aged man in long sleeves, tie.] EX-PARTNER: Tell me what you don't like about yourself. HOUSE: Uh... gosh. Uh... there's so many things. [Taub's ex-partner listens attentively.] HOUSE: Ah... is Dr. Taub available? Because he was very highly recommended.... EX-PARTNER: Well, he's no longer practicing with us, but I've taken over all his files, so if you tell me what needs work... HOUSE: Do you know why he left? EX-PARTNER: Well, he had... personal issues to deal with so if we could just.... HOUSE: Oh, my Goodness! Is he okay? EX-PARTNER: Oh, yeah. He's fine. HOUSE: 'cause... because my friend had his ears done by Dr. Taub. Should he worry that they may... pop back? EX-PARTNER: (smiles gently) No. It wasn't a professional issue. I'm sorry, I really can't go into more detail. Shall we discuss YOUR needs? [He opens a file.] HOUSE: You know that toe... next to the big toe? Mine's bigger than my big toe. Is there any way to shorten it? Or make my big toe bigger? Like a toe-gmentation? (inquiring) Did he lie, cheat, or steal? EX-PARTNER (realizing what House is up to): You're not here for a consultation, are you? HOUSE: What gave me away? Was it my obviously perfect feet? [House rises, picks up his cane, leaves.] INT. - HOUSE'S OFFICE - The camera crew, Darnell, candidates are in various states of repose. Taub is perusing the CT scans as House enters, takes off his jacket, throws it in the direction of the chair. Darnell ducks. HOUSE: Hi! [The cameraman starts to pick up his camera, now that the main attraction has returned.] TAUB: CT shows... [Taub starts to offer the CT film to House, who snatches it abruptly from his hand.] HOUSE: Let's go! INT. - NURSE'S STATION - DOC B & W - Cuddy reviews a file as the crowd suddenly descends. Recovering her aplomb, she turns to House. CUDDY: What are you two doing here? HOUSE: Skipping three scenes. CT's back. (indicates Taub) He's gonna say that there's evidence of an anomaly, I'm gonna say he's wrong, he's gonna go back to the father, and we'll all end up here. [Taub snatches the film back from House.] POTW'S ROOM - Taub shows the film to Cuddy; House lurks off to the side. TAUB: Defect is pushing on the right frontal lobe. This bend is a sign of herniation. HOUSE: Or it's a sign of increased pressure from JRA. [Cuddy takes the film from House, holds it up to the light, goes in search of a lightbox.] DOC - B & W - Taub starts to follow. House calls out. HOUSE: Dr. Taub would rather distract you from the truth... INT. - NURSE'S STATION HOUSE: ... with sparkly things like four-carat diamonds. [Taub stops, turns to House.] TAUB: (half-pleading, half- warning) House. HOUSE: Your partner said... DOC - B & W - House, Taub square off to the side. HOUSE: ...that you left for personal reasons. But your wife said you lost a patient. TAUB: You son-of-a-bitch. You spoke to my wife? HOUSE: See, that confused me. [Taub starts to walk away. A furtive glance camera-ward sends him bolting for the safety of another treatment room. House follows.] HOUSE: Why would you give her a diamond if you screwed somebody else over? If you screwed HER over, I mean that could... I.... Taub disappears inside the other room. INT. - PATIENT'S ROOM - House follows. A doctor and his assistant perform some kind of gynecological exam on a middle-aged woman. He looks up at their entrance. DOCTOR: Get that camera out of here! [Taub whirls, shoves the cameraman back out the door, slams it shut, turns back to face House, who gives a guarded glance in the direction of the patient before turning back to Taub. By unspoken accord, they move their conversation closer to the wall.] TAUB: You say anything to her? HOUSE: Just asked questions. [The woman raises her head in complaint.] FEMALE PATIENT: Get them out of here too! [Taub turns to the woman.] TAUB: (snaps) We're doctors. [Taub gives the woman a brief exaggerated smile, before turning back to House.] TAUB: I screwed around with a nurse. It became a deal. My partners found out... and I resigned. (quietly bitter) There. Happy? HOUSE: If you could be a bit more descriptive, I'd be happier. TAUB: Some people pop pain pills. I cheat. We all have our vices. [Taub strides past House out to the waiting camera.] INT. - POTW'S ROOM - DOC B & W - Taub turns right, instead of back to Kenny. Cuddy calls after him. CUDDY: Taub. I don't see it. Stay away from the family. (to House) House, start steroids and stay away from his family. [Cuddy walks away. Taub, House stare after her, neither one completely satisfied. Taub glares at House, walks off. House looks at the camera, but says nothing.] INT. - POTW'S ROOM - Joe sits next to Kenny's bed, looks up as the door opens. House walks in, notices the camera crew, glares at them. DOC - B & W - House walks over to Kenny's bedside. HOUSE: Wow! You are ugly. [House looks at the camera as if searching for validation... or a reaction.] KENNY: Wow. You're an ass. I have a deformity. HOUSE: I know. That's why you're ugly. House picks up Kenny's chart from the foot of the bed. HOUSE: But you're a lucky boy. Anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would have eaten you at birth. [Joe glares at House.] HOUSE: Your son needs steroids. [He puts the file back.] HOUSE: Dr. Cuddy agrees. JOE: Does Dr. Taub? HOUSE: He's not a real doctor. He's a plastic surgeon. All he cares is that your son looks good in his COFFIN. JOE: So, I'm supposed to believe you. A doctor who cares. HOUSE: You shouldn't care if I care. JOE: I don't trust you. HOUSE: Because... I don't think the surgery's important. You're putting your trust in someone who DOES think the surgery's important. You're willing to take chances, to risk your son's life for something he doesn't need? KENNY: I DO need it! [House backs up slightly from the force of Kenny's words.] DOC - B & W KENNY: (to House) I can't have real relationships, I can't even have a real conversation. Not even with my Dad. [Joe looks at his son, shocked.] KENNY: Dad, I know you love me. But you don't treat me normal. You're always protective. The world can always go to hell. But you never yell at me, even when I screw up. [Kenny looks up at House.] KENNY: I want to be normal. [House bows his head ever so slightly in acknowledgement.] HOUSE (quietly): Take your steroids. And you get to live.(shrugs) And you can do your surgery. And it'll only change your face. It won't change who your face made you. [House turns, walks away. Joe looks uncomfortable, as if undecided whether to be angry or sympathetic.] INT. - HALLWAY - Wilson, House are outside a storage room - Wilson leaning against the door, trying (and failing) to look innocent - House jangling keys, trying to find the right one for the lock. WILSON: We're gonna get caught. HOUSE: But not on film. All their camera equipment's in here. [Wilson gestures - 'you've got a point'.] WILSON: Where'd you get those keys? HOUSE: Blue the janitor. [Wilson struggles to parse that.] WILSON: What? HOUSE: That's his name. WILSON: His name's LOU. [House finally finds the right key.] HOUSE: Owe him an apology. [House opens the door, agitated.] HOUSE: Just watch twenty minutes of this stuff, tell me if I'm out of my mind. [House picks up his cane, passes Wilson, being careful not to touch him, goes inside.] WILSON: (dryly) Finally. We have video evidence. [Wilson follows as House looks back to make sure they weren't seen, closes the door.] INT. - STORAGE ROOM - House, Wilson sit at a table laden with editing equipment, watching footage. TERZI: (ONSCREEN) Dr. House. Heart block plus liver failure could mean autoimmune. Maybe scleroderma. HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) Foreman, does that make sense? FOREMAN: (ONSCREEN) Not without tight skin on the hands, muscle weakness, and a thirty-year-old patient. [House hits the 'Stop' button.] WILSON: Can I see that again? HOUSE: What did you miss? She screwed up, I didn't... WILSON: No, just the part where she leans forward. I think you can see through her dress. [House gives Wilson an exasperated look, but winds the film back, hits 'Play'.] TERZI: (ONSCREEN) Upper GI bleed. Could be from something he ate or drank. Maybe a peptic ulcer. HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) Good. [House winces, puts his head on his hand.] WILSON: You... thought... that was a good idea? HOUSE: What am I going to do? WILSON: (laughs) Just... enjoy. HOUSE: I'm gonna to keep her around because she makes me an idiot? WILSON: Well, you're protected. Foreman seems immune. HOUSE: You think he's gay? WILSON: Did he become an idiot around Chase? [House considers the point.] HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) I just said it's not a nasal tumor... WILSON: Wait a minute. Rewind that. Was that Thirteen? (grins, chuckles) Wow! [Wilson gets up, heads for the door.] HOUSE: I can't believe I'm that guy. WILSON: EVERY guy is that guy. HOUSE: I'm not every guy. WILSON: What is this - semantics here? Okay... ALL guys are that guy. HOUSE: I'm not all guys. HOUSE: Cameron was smart. WILSON: You know, I'm beginning to doubt that. [Wilson walks out. House hits 'Play', considers.] INT. - LOCKER ROOM CAMERON: I wanted to clarify something I said earlier. I love Dr. House. And then I qualified it. Which, after thinking about it, I didn't really need to do. I did love being around him. I guess... I just wanted to qualify what I qualified before. (bat) I'm looking defensive, aren't I? [Cameron has actually been looking into a mirror as she practices her speech. Chase sits on a bench on the other side of the room.] CHASE: No, no. I think that's great. It clears everything up. [Cameron turns, gives Chase a look of equal parts exasperation and terror, turns back to the mirror.] CAMERON: It's no big deal, really. INT. - LIGHT BOX ROOM - House walks over to the light table. Taub is looking at the films again. TAUB: There's a masked lesion in the left anterior temporal lobe surrounded by edema. HOUSE: Did you just insult me in Pig Latin? [Taub looks up.] TAUB: Dr. House. Please. Will you just take a look at this? [He walks over to one of the lightboxes, hangs the film up.] TAUB: The defect is causing this nodular shadow here. You see? HOUSE: You're right. I didn't see that before. [House looks down at Taub.] Come on. Let's go! [He heads off. Taub grabs the film, follows.] INT. - POTW'S ROOM - House slides open the door, sticks his head in. HOUSE: Hey. [Joe gets up as House enters.] HOUSE: I know you think you're feeling better... on account of feeling better, but this trusted family doctor thinks that he's found a masked lesion, so if you could lie back down and struggle to breathe.... TAUB: Okay. You were right. [Taub comes fully into the room.] TAUB: I'm thrilled I'm wrong. This is great, Kenny. You're gonna get your surgery now. [Kenny, Joe rejoice.] KENNY: (to House) First person I'm comin' back to see... is you. 'Cause compared to me, you're gonna look like butt. JOE: Hey. KENNY: What? No comeback? [Taub smirks. House is staring down intently.] HOUSE: (to Taub) Look at that. TAUB: What? HOUSE: His little finger. It's twitching. [Joe, Taub look down.] TAUB: No... it's not. HOUSE: Just give it a second. [Kenny's little finger twitches.] HOUSE: There. [Kenny looks up at House inquiringly.] TAUB: And? HOUSE: He's not better. [Taub starts to say something.] JOE: What's wrong? HOUSE: My diagnosis. I don't know what he has. [House turns to Taub.] HOUSE: Cancel the surgery. [House walks away. Taub looks at Kenny, who looks at Joe. All are unsure.] THIRD ADS INT. - AUDITORIUM The camera crew are in the back, filming. House is in the front, pacing. The candidates are in the middle, thinking. HOUSE: New symptom. Involuntary muscle movement. TERZI: (disbelieving) Twitching finger is a symptom? HOUSE: The body doing something it's not supposed to do is the DEFINITION of a symptom. TAUB: Kid's about to have a life-changing operation. He's nervous. HOUSE: Or he's not. [Foreman speaks up from his perch on the desk.] FOREMAN: Or you were right. Kid got better when we put him on steroids. This is JRA. And it's under control now. [House has taken up a perch on the table closer to the door.] HOUSE: Or the steroids have just tempered his condition. [House reaches into his jacket pocket for his pills.] HOUSE: You get a haircut, and still got bad hair. THIRTEEN: What about Lyme disease? [Volakis looks over at her inquiringly. House pauses, bottle in his hands.] THIRTEEN: It explains everything - the heart issues, the internal bleeding, even why he'd get better on steroids. [House carefully spills some pills into his hand.] HOUSE: On the other hand, if he has Lyme Disease, there would be other subtle clues, like a huge, target-shaped rash. But thanks for playing. [House swallows the pills.] TAUB: Why can't you just accept the fact you cured this kid? [House freezes, focusing all his attention on Taub.] TAUB: (accusing) You want to stop his surgery! You're not normal. DOC - B & W TAUB: So you don't want anybody else to be normal. You don't think normal's healthy. AUDITORIUM - House stares at Taub, disbelieving. DOC - B & W - Thirteen looks around, embarrassed. Kutner looks around as if hoping he won't be called on. AUDITORIUM - As House searches the auditorium for someone with the courage to state an opinion, Volakis pipes up. VOLAKIS: (timidly) Could be rheumatic fever. Also explains why the steroids helped - it's a similar inflammatory disease. COLE: Rheumatic fever doesn't explain liver failure. HOUSE: Taub thinks that acetaminophen does. [Darnell leans forward in her chair, the better to observe.] DOC - B & W TAUB: Fine. Let's test your theory. Remove his pacing wire. If he's better, his heart'll bat just fine on its own, and then he can have his operation. [The camera goes from Taub to Thirteen, who is doing her best to duck, to House.] HOUSE: If I'm right, his heart will stop. (bat) Kutner, keep the paddles on stand-by. [House gets up from the table.] HOUSE: Another chance to blow someone up. [House walks off.] EXT. - PPTH - DAY - The backside of PPTH, from above. TAUB: (VOICEOVER) There'll be some minor discomfort... INT. - POTW'S ROOM - Taub is getting ready to pull the wire. Joe stands to the other side of the bed, looking concerned. TAUB: ...and you'll feel a slow, steady pulling sensation. [Kenny looks from Taub to Joe.] JOE: Are you SURE his heart is ready for this? [Before Taub can reply, House chimes in from where he is leaning against the counter in the back of the room.] HOUSE: Absolutely. DOC - B & W HOUSE: He's convinced he's sure. Whereas, I care about your son, and have therefore brought a professional defibrillist. [Kutner, paddles in hand, winks, raises one of them confidently.] POTW'S ROOM - Joe, not favorably impressed, turns to Taub. TAUB: (confidently) We're not going to need those. [Taub glares at House. House stares back, unimpressed.] KENNY: Dad. I feel fine. My finger hasn't moved in a while. [Taub looks on, waiting. Joe fidgets, undecided.] JOE: Okay. Take 'im off. TAUB: Here we go. House gets up, moves closer. Kutner stands ready, paddles still in hand. DOC - B & W - Taub pulls the wire, slowly but surely. POTW'S ROOM - Joe looks on nervously as Kenny winces a little. House moves still closer. DOC - B & W - The monitor shows Kenny’s heart rate holding steady. POTW'S ROOM - Kenny winces again, then the wire is out. Taub holds it up as House looks on. Joe looks at the monitor, at Taub. TAUB: Heart rate's 85 beats per minute. DOC - B & W - The monitor holds steady. TAUB: BP 110 over 70. JOE: Is he okay? POTW'S ROOM KENNY: I feel the same. [Kutner puts up the clearly unneeded paddles.] TAUB: (to House) He's fine. [House considers.] TAUB: (to Kenny) You're fine. JOE: Thank God. [Joe reaches down, hugs his son tightly.] HOUSE: What you do mean, 'Thank God'? [He turns, starts to walk towards the door.] DOC - B & W HOUSE: (over his shoulder) God's the guy who gave it to him. [House walks out, sliding the door shut behind him.] POTW'S ROOM - Taub smiles. Joe releases his son, looks up at Taub. JOE: Thank you. [He looks down at his son, then back up at Taub.] JOE: Thank you. DOC - B & W - Kenny is looking a bit dazed, but happy. SERIES OF shts WALKING THE HALLWAY - DOC - B & W - Joe accompanies Kenny as he is pushed down the hallway towards the OR. WALKING THE HALLWAY - The camera crew is filming as Kenny, his father go through the doors. HOUSE THINKING - House bounces the BOUO against the whiteboard, thinking hard. COMPUTER VIEW OF POTW'S FACE - Views of Kenny's face - a CGI mockup on the left, and pictures of him at various ages on the right. BACK TO SCENE INT. - OR CONTROL ROOM - Chase and the chief surgeon are standing in front of the computer screens. DARNELL: Can you tell us about the procedure? SURGEON: We have to use both an extra- and intra-cranial approach to get enough exposure to reduce the encephalocele cyst and do the bony reconstruction. DOC - B & W - Darnell walks over to where Thirteen is lurking off to the side. DARNELL: (to Thirteen) And how are you participating in the procedure? OR CONTROL ROOM - Chase turns to Darnell, answers the question for her. CHASE: She's not. (smiles) DOC - B & W THIRTEEN: They don't want me here because they think the kid's cured. I don't. OR CONTROL ROOM DARNELL: And what do you think the problem is? DOC - B & W THIRTEEN: Wish I knew. I just know that if Dr. House is right,(looks over her shoulder) something's gonna go wrong. DARNELL: Dr. House doesn't think he's right. THIRTEEN: Well, then I'll just waste a few hours watching the surgery. CHASE: See, the danger is... OR CONTROL ROOM CHASE: ...we have to reconstruct all the way down to the cranial base... [Chase indicates the computer picture.] CHASE: ...and there are some big vessels down there. So what we'll do is work our way down to here... [Thirteen goes on the alert.] THIRTEEN: When were these pictures taken? CHASE: Well, about three weeks ago. Why? What do you see? [The computer screen again with more recent pictures on it.] THIRTEEN: Well, the acanthosis nigricans was already there. CHASE: (condescendingly) It's... been there a lot longer than that. (to the camera) Probably his whole life. THIRTEEN: What about around his hairline? OR CONTROL ROOM CHASE: What? There's no discoloration. DOC - B & W THIRTEEN: There is now. [Chase looks at the camera, then back down, considering.] INT. - HOUSE'S OFFICE - House sits in the Eames chair, fiddling meditatively with the BOUO. [Wilson opens the door without knocking, comes in. House puts the BOUO up against his forehead.] HOUSE: I have a new theory. Her bad ideas don't indicate a lack of intelligence, they indicate an open mind, the willingness not to be trapped by conventional.... [Wilson holds up a hand. When House stops, Wilson indicates him.] WILSON: You've got a problem. HOUSE: Tell me something I don't know. WILSON: You hire beautiful girls, enslave them... [House rolls his eyes, steeling himself against the lecture.] WILSON: ...force them to be around you because you don't know how to have an actual relationship. If they're qualified, keep them. If they're not, fre them... and ask them out. [Wilson spreads his hands in a 'that's all' gesture.] HOUSE: You DO realize that 'tell me something I don't know' is just an expression. WILSON: Thirteen... HOUSE: You think that just because she's as beautiful ... ergo... [Wilson shakes his head.] HOUSE: ...you think that because she hasn't had a decent idea.... WILSON: No, my point is, she's about to enter your office, so you should shut up! [House instantly goes on the alert as Thirteen bursts excitedly into the room. By the time she comes to a stop in front of him, House has schooled himself back into his customary boredom. Wilson turns his back, walks a few steps away to give them privacy.] THIRTEEN: You were right about the diagnosis. HOUSE: Yes. It was JRA. I'm very proud. THIRTEEN: No, I mean you were right about being wrong. [Wilson turns back around.] THIRTEEN: He's got Lyme Disease. It explains everything. [House blinks.] HOUSE: Would you just hold up some fingers so I can see if I'm literally blind? We ruled out Lyme Disease HOURS ago. THIRTEEN: All the symptoms fit. HOUSE: I am so ashamed. (to Wilson) She really that good looking? WILSON: Apparently. HOUSE: How many lives have been lost because of pretty girls? THIRTEEN: The target rash is hiding! [House sits, finally listening, weighing her words.] THIRTEEN: No one ever looked at him closely enough. [She pauses, then dashes back out. House watches her go, then looks at Wilson, levers himself out of the chair, and follows Thirteen.] INT. - OR OBSERVATION ROOM - House and Wilson stand in the observation area as the surgical team begins the surgery on Kenny. INT. - OR - They look at Kenny's face. Thirteen indicates the shadow that wasn't there before. DOC - B & W - They begin to shave Kenny's head. As they do so, the rash appears. Thirteen looks up at House, as if asking for vindication. OR OBSERVATION ROOM - House stands there, hands folded over his cane, wearing an expression of complete satisfaction. HOUSE: She's getting uglier by the second. [Wilson smiles.] INT. - HOUSE'S OFFICE - DOC - B & W - House sits behind his desk, dressed in only a t-shirt. HOUSE: We can try and pretend we're above it. We can try and intellectualize it away, but ultimately, shiny, pretty, perky things are good, and ugly, misshapen teenaged boys are repulsive. DARNELL: The question was... do you resent Dr. Cuddy's interference in your practice? HOUSE: Oh. Well, then, I guess my answer wasn't very helpful, was it? EXT. - PPTH - TWILIGHT - The sun sets over PPTH. INT. - AUDITORIUM - House stands in the front of the auditorium, hands folded over his cane, twitching his fingers nervously. HOUSE: Mini-stud. Stand up. [All eyes lock on Taub. Taub stands.] HOUSE: I spoke to your other partner. TAUB: After Cuddy told you... HOUSE: No, I stayed away. Did it all over the phone. I asked for a reference, said you were applying for a plastic surgery job. TAUB: Oh, God. HOUSE: Yeah. (b*at) He went nuts. Apparently you signed a non-compete. Now why would you agree to that? TAUB: I don't want to practice plastic surgery. HOUSE: You sign a contract because someone's making you, someone's getting something from you. (coldly) What did they give you in return? TAUB: They agreed to keep their mouths shut. HOUSE: So, you gave up your chosen career, just so they'd be quiet. TAUB: I love my wife. [Taub looks down at House, quietly challenging. And everyone looks away. Even House's eyes flick away before they come back to Taub, his expression softening slightly back to curiosity.] HOUSE: You risked this job. With nothing to fall back on. TAUB: I thought you were wrong. [House considers.] HOUSE: Sit back down. KUTNER: You're keeping him because he's a philanderer? Where do I sign up? [Taub glances sharply at Kutner.] HOUSE: (reprovingly) Ask the Mormon. (explaining) I'm keeping him because he's interesting. (briskly) Dr. Terzi, would you please stand up? [Dr. Terzi is confused, a touch arrogant, but shrugs, stands. Volakis stares daggers at her.] HOUSE: Nice. [House frankly admires her.]I have treated you unfairly. [House walks over to her.] Prejudged you. And for me to be a better person, I have to rectify that situation. (bluntly) You're fired. [Terzi's smug smile fades into a glare as the reality hits. Volakis stares, confused.] HOUSE: You... wanna grab some dinner? [Terzi stares at him, uncomprehending. Foreman shakes his head, unbelieving.] HOUSE: Maybe a movie? Seriously. [Terzi glares at him, grabs her portfolio, stalks out. Volakis struggles not to smile. House follows Terzi with his eyes as she leaves.] INT. - CUDDY’S OFFICE - A wide-screen monitor is in Cuddy's office. The rough-cut is being played. [Onscreen, Darnell is walking down a hallway towards the camera.] DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) Just days ago, with Kenny's condition worsening, it was Dr. Gregory House, reassuring Kenny and his father. HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) I care about your son. [Cuddy sits, sipping from a mug of coffee, enthralled. House sits with his hands over his mouth, appalled.] DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) The charming House, who happens to be a film buff with a soft spot in his heart for children, tells us how he got his start. HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) See, I became a doctor because of the movie 'Patch Adams'. [House winces, the hands go higher. Cuddy smirks, turns to him. Her attention returns to the screen as Darnell continues.] DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) Determined to save the boy's life, as well as keeping... HOUSE: The horror. CUDDY: Well, it's nice of them to send us an early copy. HOUSE: Not so much sent... as stolen. DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) In the end, it was Dr. Gregory House who served as not only a doctor, but a rock for Kenny and his father. HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) ...You're putting your trust in somebody who DOES think the surgery's important. DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) House, one of those rare doctors who wears his heart on his sleeve... [At Cuddy's laugh, House can't take it any more, jumps up out of his chair.] HOUSE: God! [He pounces swiftly, shuts off the monitor, turns back to Cuddy in protest.] HOUSE: I was saying that was a STUPID thing to do. [Cuddy sits, smirking, wiping away faux tears.] CUDDY: It's difficult not to be moved. HOUSE: Oh, stop it! Suddenly, I don't feel I can trust Michael Moore movies. [He considers his options a moment, then makes a break for the door.] CUDDY: Where you going? Kittens to get out of trees? Deaf kids to read to? [House glares at her - 'yeah, right'.] HOUSE: I owe it to the world to make sure this EVIL never sees the light of day. [He holds the door open another moment, then stalks out. After the door closes behind him, Cuddy picks up the remote, turns the monitor back on.] DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) Is there anything else? [Kenny looks at the camera, head wrapped in bandages. The deformity is gone. He nods.] KENNY: (ONSCREEN) Thank you, Dr. House. [Cuddy gives a real smile, as Kenny does the same on-screen.] KENNY:(ONSCREEN) Thank you. FADE OUT	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x07 - Ugly"}	foreverdreaming
[Magic show, Kutner and Cole are in the audience.] FINN: Chinese water trture cell was invented in 1911 by Harry Houdini. [Pulls down a black cloth revealing a glass tnk full of water, just big enough for one person.] Nothing like new material. He was lowered head first into the water. His ankles were locked and bolted to the top of the tnk. I'm going to need a volunteer. KUTNER: [Immediately puts his hand in the air, as high as he can possibly get it.] Ooh, ooh, ooh! [The spotlight makes its way over to Kutner.] FINN: [Points to Kutner.] The guy dislocating his shoulder, right there. [Kutner stands up looking very happy.] Yeah. Could you tell the guy next to you to come up? [Kutner hangs his head and smiles.] KUTNER: [Slaps Cole on the arm.] Come on, get up there, man. Get up there, get up there! Come on! [Starts clapping, everyone joins in.] Come on! [Cole reluctantly gets up and makes his way to the stage, Kutner gives him a slap on the backside as he's leaving.] FINN: [Shakes Cole's hand as he gets up on stage.] Hi, have we met before? COLE: No. FINN: See, if you'd said yes, you could have gone back to your seat. Now, can you vouch for this audience that this is a glass tnk full of water? COLE: [Looks at the tnk.] Yeah. FINN: No, you can't. You haven't done anything yet, come on. [Drags Cole over to the tnk by his hand.] Knock on the glass. Solid glass. Knock on it. [Coles knocks on the glass.] It's real water too. Ilana, splash the guy. [Ilana his assistant, who is up on the ladder next to the tnk, splashes a little bit of water from the tnk at Cole.] Does that feel wet to you? COLE: Yeah. FINN: And you think that proves it's water? I think we have met. Do you know the public washroom behind the truck stop east of Omaha? COLE: No. FINN: See, if you'd said yes, that would have been so funny. Hold out your arms for me. [Cole does. Finn uses Cole's wrist to lock one end of the handcuffs.] You've done this before, right? COLE: No. FINN: Again, two choices and you went for the unfunny one. [Takes the handcuffs off Cole and puts them on himself. He gets Ilana to lock the other side. The lights are turned off, Finn then gets his legs locked to the lid of the tnk.] Now remember, there's only one thing you've got to be able to do. Drag a screaming, crying, shackled man out of a tnk of water. Up! [The lid of the tnk starts to be lifted up, Finn hangs upside down.] Hey, you can swim, right? [Cole doesn't say anything.] Whoa, whoa, whoa tell me you can swim. COLE: Yeah. FINN: [Shakes his head.] Two answers man, two answers! [Puts plugs in his nose.] [Finn gets lowered into the tnk, Ilana starts the stop watch, Finn starts to try and get out of his handcuffs as the tnk lid is locked, but then he just stops.] COLE: Is that part of the act. ILANA: I'm new, I think so. [Blood starts to come out of Finn's mouth, he still isn't moving.] Maybe not. COLE: [Points at Kutner.] Get up here! [Kutner runs up to the stage, everyone hurries to get the tnk open.] [Cut to the lecture hall. House is riding around on a scooter, the numbers are in the first couple rows of seats and Foreman is sitting at the back.] HOUSE: Aww. [Gets off the scooter.] Five eager doctors and no sick people. Let us try and fill our spare time with a new challenge. The winner gets immunity... KUTNER: I have a sick guy. I saw this magician last night... HOUSE: The girl's fine. He didn't really cut her in half. KUTNER: His heart stopped while he was hanging upside down in the water tnk. HOUSE: A drowning man's heart stopped, that is a mystery. Along with immunity, the winner gets to nominate two... COLE: He lost consciousness almost as soon as he ht the water. HOUSE: You have to leave work at 6:00 pm, but you make time for man dates? AMBER: What's the challenge? COLE: Are we not allowed to be friends? HOUSE: No, I'm just hurt. When I asked you to come see Mama Mia... KUTNER: No history of heart disease. No angina. No... HOUSE: He's lying. KUTNER: About his history? ER confirmed... HOUSE: About everything. He's a magician that's what they do. He screwed up the trick, he started drowning and he got a cardiac arrest. AMBER: You were talking about a challenge? HOUSE: The winner nominates two of your competitors. I will fre one of them. KUTNER: Even if he was drowning, it would have taken longer to set off a cardiac incident without some underlying problem... HOUSE: Fine. Go run your tests. If you're wrong, you're fired. KUTNER: If I'm right, do I stay? HOUSE: If I say no, are you going to let your patient die? [Kutner leaves.] AMBER: What's the challenge? HOUSE: We can all applaud the doctor who's willing to break all the rules. But the real hero is the unsung doctor, toiling in anonymity, because he broke the rules without getting caught. I need to know you have these skills. I need you... To bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy. [Foreman looks up from his paper, the numbers all give House a weird look.] Not kidding. [They still all just sit there.] Thong. Cuddy. Go. [They get up and slowly start to leave, stopping before they pass Foreman.] FOREMAN: It's how I got hired. [They leave. House rides out the other exit on his scooter.] [Cut to the numbers walking past the nurses� station towards the elevators.] 13: You're actually considering this? AMBER: If you want to stand on principle, I really respect you for that. COLE: It's childish, unprofessional, and inappropriate. The job is not worth it. TAUB: We should all beg off. Tell him we failed. No winners, no losers. AMBER: Fine. COLE: You're going to do it, aren't you? AMBER: Of course I'm going to do it. [Leaves.] [Cut to Kutner examining Finn.] KUTNER: No valvular regurgitation, no wall motion abnormalities, no structural defects. FINN: If you didn't sound so despondent, I'd say that was good news. [13 walks in.] 13: It is for you, not for him. Notice any heaviness in your legs the last couple days? FINN: [To Kutner.] Why isn't it good news for you? 13: Because, if there's nothing wrong with you, he gets fired. FINN: [Laughs.] Seriously? KUTNER: Somewhat seriously. Your legs? FINN: Haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary. KUTNER: Shortness of breath? FINN: Would it help if I puked? [Shoves a deck of cards in his mouth and starts pulling them out like he's puking them. Then he picks them up and holds them in front of 13.] Pick a card. 13: Any tightness in your chest or arms? FINN: Pick a card. 13: You don't seem too worried. FINN: Would you please pick a card? 13: [Takes a card.] Our boss thinks your cardiac arrest was just a result of you accidentally drowning. FINN: Your boss is an idiot. Put it back. [13 puts the card back in the pile. Finn hands the deck to her.] Shuffle 'em up. 13: [Starts shuffling.] So then why aren't you worried? FINN: Either I'm dying or I'm not. I mean, I don't want the ride to be over. [Takes the cards back.] But unless worrying is some new form of treatment... [Pulls a card from the deck and shows it to 13.] Your card. 13: Nope. KUTNER: I'm going to prep you for a transesophageal echo. FINN: [Looking through the cards.] You sure you shuffled these? KUTNER: And I'm going to need to sedate you. FINN: Might want to check your wallet first. [Kutner ignores him.] Would you check your wallet? It's part of the trick. [Kutner sighs, takes out his wallet from his back pocket and hands it to Finn. Finn opens it and it bursts into flames.] Whoa. [Closes it, the flames go out, Finn blows the top of it. Opens it again and shows 13 the ace of spades sitting in the wallet.] 13: [Shocked.] That's my card. How did you do that? KUTNER: Do it again. [Finn just hands Kutner's wallet back and lies back down.] [Cut to Cuddy in the clinic reading through a file. Taub is watching from behind the glass door. Amber walks up to him.] AMBER: Thought you weren't playing? TAUB: I'm not. AMBER: She'll fre you if she catches you. TAUB: I don't think she can fre me for not trying to steal her panties. AMBER: You trying to will them off? TAUB: If I had a plan, the first part would be not telling YOU what the plan was. AMBER: [Looks at the coffee in Taub's hand.] You haven't touched that coffee. TAUB: Yes I have. AMBER: She can't keep her panties on if they're wet. [Taub looks at Amber.] We work together. One wins, protects the other. TAUB: Or I win by myself, and then you try desperately to convince me to spare you. [Taub walks into the clinic followed closely by Amber.] AMBER: Dr Cuddy. [Taub trips over and the coffee goes all over the floor as well as on himself.] CUDDY: Dr Taub are you ok? TAUB: I, I just tripped, I'm so sorry. AMBER: I have some extra time, do you need any help in the clinic? CUDDY: Uh, ok. [Hands the file to Amber, and grabs another one off the pile. They both leave Taub to clean himself up] [Cut to Kutner walking up to Foreman.] KUTNER: We found no apparent cause for the arrest. T.T.E. And T.E.E. Revealed no... FOREMAN: Send the patient home, you can give him a lift. KUTNER: We checked for clots, we checked for... FOREMAN: You're reporting to me because you're scared to report to House, because you found nothing, because this isn't a case. [Laughs.] And you thought I'd save your ass. KUTNER: Yeah. [Foreman looks at him.] I thought he was sick, what was I supposed to do? FOREMAN: What about his lungs? Decreased oxygen saturation leads to heart failure. KUTNER: ER didn't find anything. FOREMAN: ER wasn't looking, too busy trying to keep him alive. Get an MRI. [Leaves.] [Cut to Amber dialling a phone in an Exam room in the clinic. A woman answers.] WOMAN: Clinic. AMBER: Yes, can you ask Dr. Cuddy to come to the nurse's station? Stat. WOMAN: Right away. [Amber hangs up the phone. Lights up a cigarette and blows the smoke at the sprinkler on the ceiling. Nothing happens. She stands up on the table and uses the lighter. The alarm goes off, we see everyone in the clinic running around getting very wet. Amber walks up to a nurse at the nurses� station.] AMBER: I asked you to get doctor... NURSE: Dr. Taub said she'd be right out. [Amber turns around and sees Cuddy and Taub in Cuddy's office perfectly dry, Taub waves to Amber.] [Cut to Kutner getting Finn ready for the MRI. 13 is waiting in the other room.] FINN: A fungus in my lungs? How would I even get something like that? KUTNER: Right now, it's just a theory. We don't even know if it's... FINN: I knew I shouldn't have done those mushrooms in college. KUTNER: I'm sure there's no connection. FINN: It was a joke. You really lose your sense of humour when your job's on the line, huh? KUTNER: Sorry, most dying people don't really like to... Not that you're dying. [Pushes the button to move Finn into the MRI machine.] FINN: But a little sick would be perfect, right? KUTNER: Yeah. [Finn gets about halfway into the machine and starts screaming.] FINN: Ah, ow, ah! Ow! My stomach! [Kutner and 13 run over to help.] KUTNER: sab or throbbing? [Pulls Finn out of the machine. Sees a big bruise his side.] Grey turner's sign. He's got internal bleeding. 13: I'll call surgery. [Runs out of the room.] [Cut to Kutner, 13, Cole, Foreman and House in the Diagnostics Office.] 13: Surgeons have transfused three units AB positive, but they're still looking for the source of the bleed. KUTNER: [Looking please with himself.] No trauma. Could be liver disease, Vitamin K deficiency. The only thing we know for sure it's not... nothing. 13: And we would have noticed something chronic like liver disease, it's probably an intestinal infarct... [Drops the file.] KUTNER: Hey. [Starts to bend down to help.] 13: [Quickly picking everything up.] I got it! [House stares at her.] [Taub walks in followed by Amber.] TAUB: Ahem. [Holds up a pair of black panties.] Eau de Cuddy. COLE: No way, how did you get them? TAUB: Only one way. [Throws the panties to Cole, House catches them with his cane.] HOUSE: These are not Cuddy's panties. TAUB: You don't think that I... HOUSE: No. Also, she's wearing a red bra today. [Everyone looks at him.] Like I'm the only one who noticed. Means the downstairs will match. FOREMAN: Do your research, people. An intestinal infarct could be linked to the cardiac arrest. HOUSE: [To Amber.] Hike up your skirt. AMBER: [Laughs.] Wow that's rude even for you. HOUSE: Hike it down then. You're wearing a black bra. Let's see the underwear. AMBER: No! HOUSE: You two cut a deal. [Amber grabs her panties off the table.] AMBER: If you're not cheating, you're not trying hard enough. KUTNER: So you're not wearing any underwear? FOREMAN: Uh, there's a guy bleeding. HOUSE: Foreman. She's not wearing any underwear. You used to be more fun. FOREMAN: She's not wearing any underwear - Big deal. When she stops wearing clothes, then we can drop the medical stuff. HOUSE: Let me see the MRI film. KUTNER: We didn't get any images, he started screaming as soon as I turned it on. HOUSE: Define soon. KUTNER: Uh... I didn't even get a chance to sit down. HOUSE: You guys ever wonder how he was going to get out of that water tnk? You. [Points to Kutner.] Come. [They leave.] [Cut to Finn's surgery.] SURGEON: Lacerations in his digestive tract and his spleen is shredded. HOUSE: Ladies and gentlemen, I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants, but it's not going to help with this particular trick. Watch closely. [Sticks his hands into Finn. Looks at the surgeon.] How you been? SURGEON: Fine, until now. HOUSE: [Nods, and continues feeling around inside Finn. Pulls out a small key.] Ta-da. [Shows it to Kutner.] Now you... disappear. [Kutner leaves.] [House drops the key.] [Cut to the, now clean, key falling onto the table in Finn's room.] HOUSE: Look familiar? The MRI's magnet ripped this through your intestine into your spleen. FINN: Forgot about that. On account of almost dying. Where's Dr. Kutner? HOUSE: He's no longer on your case, because there's nothing wrong with you. FINN: I didn't screw up that trick. HOUSE: Everything that's happened can be explained by you being forgetful and incompetent. You screwed up, you passed out... FINN: Know my favourite time to lie? When my life hangs in the balance. HOUSE: Your life doesn't hang in the balance. You know your life doesn't hang in the balance. Your reputation might hang... FINN: You ever do magic as a kid? You seem like the type. Lonely, obsessive. HOUSE: I outgrew it. You? FINN: [Holds the cards out to House.] Pick a card. HOUSE: Too much trouble. Can I just pick my nose? FINN: I am not a hack. HOUSE: [Takes a card.] If I tell you how it's done, will you go home? [Looks at his card, 6 of spades. Puts it back in the deck.] So you going to make it magically appear in my wallet? [Finn throws the cards at the glass wall. The Jack of hearts sticks there.] You are a hack. [House pulls the jack off the window to reveal the 6 of spades on the other side of the glass. House is surprised, he looks at Finn, then back at the card and rubs the window just to make sure it is on the other side.] FINN: I don't screw up. [Finn starts bleeding heavily from his nose.] [Cut to House, Kutner, Amber, 13, Cole and Taub, all sitting around the table in the diagnostics office. House is playing with a deck of cards, making the 6 of spades disappear and reappear in his hand. Kutner is smiling.] HOUSE: A nosebleed that major means he's actually sick. Means the cardiac arrest was a symptom. [Looks at Kutner.] Stop gloating. KUTNER: I'm not gloating. HOUSE: Then what's that smirk? KUTNER: No smirk, this is how I look. COLE: What about the underwear challenge? HOUSE: I declare it officially on hold. COLE: Not really fair, but I get it. [Throws a pair of red panties on the table, everyone is surprised, House looks at Amber. Amber stands up and pulls her skirt down a little to show that she is still wearing hers. House looks over at 13 who looks disgusted by the thought.] It's Cuddy's. HOUSE: [To Cole.] Pull down your pants. COLE: You think I'm lying? HOUSE: No, I want to give you a reward. Yes, I think you're lying. Cardiac arrest plus nose bleed, Go. 13: Uh... patient has no significant family history, no angina, no prior attcks. AMBER: What if it isn't his heart? What if it's the vessels around his heart? Polyarteritis nodosa causes cardiac symptoms and hypertension, which makes his nose bleed. TAUB: You know what else makes your nose bleed and your heart race? Cocaine. Guy works in a B-List nightclub in Atlantic City, he's got to be taking regular rolls in the snow. HOUSE: You, [Taub] take the gloater to the patient's drug den. Make sure you pat down his pockets before you leave. You [Amber] and big love, biopsy a blood vessel from around the heart, test for Polyarteritis nodosa. You... [13] In my office. [13 Follows House into his office, House throws the red panties on his desk.] 13: Those aren't my panties. HOUSE: I know. Hypothetical. A young woman does something clumsy in public, and instead of laughing it off, she gets irrationally upset. Explain. 13: Maybe she's clumsy because she's nervous, because she forgot to do her spelling homework. Oh in my hypothetical, she's eight. HOUSE: But this girl's not insecure. Seems more like she's afraid. 13: Do you have a point, or did you just get a new book of riddles? HOUSE: I think you're hiding a medical condition. 13: I'm not. [Puts her lab coat on.] I'm glad we had this talk. HOUSE: Doctors often try to ignore their symptoms because they think they can't get sick. If you've got something going on, I need you to take care of it. 13: And I take your compassion entirely at face value. HOUSE: It's not compassion. It's self interest, I want my team healthy. 13: It's not self interest. It's curiosity. I dropped a file, House. I start bleeding from the eyes, I'll be sure to make an appointment. HOUSE: Ok. [13 leaves.] [Cut to Taub and Kutner going through Finn's stuff.] TAUB: Found some pot. KUTNER: Bag it. TAUB: I'm not sure it really fits the symptoms. KUTNER: Of course not, but it'd be irresponsible to leave it here. [Sees a fortune telling machine.] You have a quarter? TAUB: No. KUTNER: How did Cole get those panties off Cuddy? TAUB: They were never on her. No way those are hers. [Finds some rabbits in a cage.] Uh-Huh. Tularaemia. KUTNER: [Still playing with the machine.] Nah he'd have to have rabbits. TAUB: True. Maybe, a tick jumped from a rabbit and landed on one of these white, fluffy alligators. [Kutner turns around and sees the rabbits.] Then it jumps onto our patient, transfers the bacteria, causes Pericarditis. Explains everything. [Cut to House entering Finn's room, Finn is playing with four aces, making one turnaround. House grabs an IV bag from the draw.] FINN: What are you giving me? HOUSE: How'd you do the trick? FINN: Oh, if I explain it becomes mundane, and you lose the actual magic. HOUSE: What do you mean the actual magic? Think you're actually sawing woman in half? FINN: You going to tell me what's wrong with me or not? HOUSE: [Connects the IV up.] Magic is cool. Actual magic is oxymoronic. Might not even be oxy. FINN: You're not going to tell me unless I tell you? [Laughs.] HOUSE: You got a nurse to plant the card. FINN: I can't get a nurse to help me pee. HOUSE: You got a buddy to plant the card. FINN: The fun is in not knowing. HOUSE: [Grabs some scissors and cuts the IV line, Finn is shocked.] The fun... [House opens his hand to reveal it was just a trick.] Is in knowing. FINN: [Grabs his head.] Oh, my head. Oh! I got a headache. HOUSE: How bad? Is it new? FINN: It's not too bad. I'll-I'll just take one of these... [Pours pills from one hand into the other.] Vicodin. [House grabs the now empty Vicodin bottle out of his pocket. Sticks his hand out to get the pills back, Finn holds his hand over House's and then opens it, but nothing falls out. House rolls his eyes.] HOUSE: You eat a lot of beets, you have an electric toothbrush, and you sleep less than six hours a night. FINN: That's impressive. HOUSE: The red betamine from the beets stains the plaque deposits on your teeth, which are then swirled by your spinning toothbrush. Your heavy lids and your prematurely aging skin tell me that you're carrying a major sleep debt. FINN: That was way cooler before you explained it. HOUSE: It was meaningless until I explained it. FINN: People come to my show because they want a sense of wonder. They WANT to experience something that they can't explain. HOUSE: If the wonder's gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder. You have tularaemia from your rabbits. I've put you on antibiotics, you'll be better in a couple of days. Sorry to spoil the mystery. [Leaves.] [Cut to House at the pharmacy receiving pills.] HOUSE: Thank you. [Pops a pill.] [Cuddy walks near by and is talking to a nurse in hushed tones.] CUDDY: Because it's very important to actually do it well. [House throws the Vicodin just passed where Cuddy is standing. Cuddy looks at the Vicodin, and then at House, House plays the bad leg card.] CUDDY: I'll get it. [Bends down to pick up the Vicodin and House checks out her ass.] HOUSE: [Eyes boggle.] Oh. My. God. [Cuddy looks at him.] You're not wearing underwear. CUDDY: Of course I'm... HOUSE: Skirt that tight, you've got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD. You seen Dr. Cole? CUDDY: No. HOUSE: You're blushing. CUDDY: I am not. [Looks down away from House as she hands House his pills.] HOUSE: Look at me. [Cuddy looks up at him for a second, House looks into her eyes as he grabs the pills. His eyes boggle again.] Oh! [Cuddy leaves.] My! God! [Cut to House in the elevator with Cole, House is staring at him.] HOUSE: How'd you do it? COLE: So I'm safe? HOUSE: In this job, yeah. [Cole smiles.] Crotch, on the other hand... How'd you do it? COLE: Prayer mostly. [Elevator dings, then opens, Cole walks out down the corridor and House follows.] HOUSE: Just tell me, does Cuddy have her groove back? COLE: It'd be rude of me to discuss. HOUSE: You handed over her panties. I don't think gallantry's really an option at this point. COLE: If I tell you then where's the magic? [Kutner, 13, Amber and Taub join them in front of House's office.] KUTNER: He passed out. Ultrasound revealed bleeding around his heart, we drained 100 CC's before it stopped. AMBER: The antibiotics aren't working. It's obviously not tularaemia or any other infection. HOUSE: Excuse me, we we're talking. TAUB: Bleeding around the heart could mean botched biopsy, when Cole was looking for the... HOUSE: Why would you accuse the man who decides your fate of screwing up? [House enters his office and the rest follow.] TAUB: Those really were her panties? HOUSE: Cole has travelled through the forest of crustaceans and brought us a treasure, and he has earned his reward. COLE: If I could just get the immunity, I would... HOUSE: No, Sophie, you can't. Use whatever criteria you want. 13: Could be a clotting issue. AMBER: If he developed DIC after the surgery, even a normal biopsy bleeds out of control. HOUSE: So cardiac arrest and DIC, what's the common denominator? TAUB: Could be cancer. 13: We've been looking in his chest since he got here, it's clean. TAUB: So the main mass is somewhere else, throws up a clot, blocks an artery in his heart, causes the arrest. [House watches as 13's hand starts shaking as she tries to put the lid on a pen.] HOUSE: Good. Go find out where he's hiding his cancer. [They leave.] [Cut to Cole preparing Finn for another MRI.] COLE: If you've swallowed any more metal, now would be a good time to tell us. FINN: My hands feel kind of numb. COLE: Well you lost a lot of blood. FINN: I'm going to die. COLE: Everybody gets scared in a hospital. You're sick, you feel awful... FINN: No. This time tomorrow. I'll be dad. [Cole stares at him for a few seconds then starts the MRI, then walks into the other room to watch the results. Amber is already in there.] AMBER: So, who's going on the block? COLE: He thinks he's dying. AMBER: He's probably right. COLE: Tomorrow. AMBER: You decide to put me up, I totally get it. Nothing personal. COLE: I haven't decided anything. AMBER: But you don't like me. COLE: I like you. Some fluid in the lungs. AMBER: No masses. I'm manipulative. I play the game. I can be a bitch. COLE: There's a dark spot. AMBER: Damage from where the key ripped through. You're probably expecting me to bash the others, give examples of how they screwed up, you know I can. I'm a good doctor. As good as anybody around here, probably better and you know that's the only thing that matters. [Turns her attention back on the screens. Cole notices something.] COLE: What's that? [Amber has a look.] AMBER: It's not a tumour, it's another bleed. This one's in his kidney. COLE: And his thigh. He's bleeding all over the place. AMBER: His timetable might be right on. [Cut to everyone in the lecture hall.] COLE: It was creepy. The patient predicted his own death. HOUSE: Would have been more impressive if he'd predicted that he wasn't going to die. Of course, that takes longer to prove. COLE: Could be a symptom, sense of impending doom. AMBER: Yeah, could be adrenal gland disorders, blood issues, anaphylaxis. HOUSE: If you're going to kiss his ass to protect your ass, at least wait until he's had a good idea. It's a symptom of him being a charlatan. He's a second-rate magician with a mysterious illness, why wouldn't he predict his own death? If he's wrong, we all forget it, if he's right, he goes out a legend. KUTNER: He got scared right after a transfusion. Tainted blood has been known to cause a sense of impending doom, could also explain the DIC. HOUSE: I predict all your pagers go off... right now. [Nothing happens.] Oh! But if it had happened... FOREMAN: Anyone bother looking at his panel? His immunoglobulin levels are low. COLE: That doesn't tell us anything specific about... HOUSE: Are you acting stupid because you know you're safe? Clever. FOREMAN: Low immunoglobulin plus failing heart, plus fluid in the lungs, plus internal bleeding, equals amyloidosis. AMBER: He's bleeding way too much for amyloidosis. HOUSE: He say anything about his hands or feet feeling weak? COLE: He said his hands felt numb, but that's explained by the blood loss. [All their pagers go off. Everyone stares at House.] HOUSE: No! Do not give me credit for that. Close doesn't count! That's how people get sucked into this stupidity. KUTNER: He's seizing. HOUSE: Somebody sab him. [Kutner runs off, Cole follows.] The rest of you, pull his medical records, go back ten years. Look for joint pain, fatigue, anything associated with amyloidosis. [They leave.] [Cut to Kutner and Cole in Finn's room.] KUTNER: Mr Finn nod if you can hear me. [Finn nods.] You had a grand mal seizure, we're giving you liquids and an anticonvulsant, just try to rest. [Cole injects something into him.] Pulse is dropping, he's sab. [To Cole.] You're not going to put me on the block are you? COLE: I haven't decided who I'm going to pick. KUTNER: That's cool. [Pulls back Finn's blanket.] His legs look swollen to you? COLE: Slight swelling could be renal. KUTNER: I babysat for you. COLE: I decided I'm going to make my decision based solely on who deserves to be here. KUTNER: That's admirable, though stupid. You shouldn't save the strongest. You should get rid of the strongest, eliminate your competition, which is definitely not me. And I'm your friend, and how are you going to explain to your kid that I can't take him to the zoo next week because you got me fired? [Finn eyes roll back.] COLE: Kutner. He's going to seize again. [Monitors go off. Finn starts seizing.] KUTNER: Flank pain, his kidneys are shutting down. Also... [Whispers.] Amber's a rcist. [Cut to House and Wilson playing foosball.] WILSON: You knew they'd get paged? HOUSE: I noticed a trend... If nobody does anything, sick people often get sicker. You think it's remotely possible they had sex? WILSON: They're both single, it's still legal in the blue states. HOUSE: She barely knows him. WILSON: You know, in some cultures, hiring people to steal someone's underpants is considered wooing. You should move there. Because here it's just, you know, creepy. HOUSE: There was no woo. This was an effective test. [House scores.] WILSON: This is beneath my skills. [Kutner and 13 walk in.] KUTNER: Kidneys are shutting down. Led to a sodium deficiency, caused him to seize. HOUSE: Kidney failure means I was right about amyloidosis. 13: Except that nothing in his medical history remotely indicates amyloidosis. KUTNER: So kidney failure proves I'm right about the bad blood. HOUSE: Bad blood doesn't explain the heart or the liver. KUTNER: His major symptoms didn't start until after we transfused him. HOUSE: Is cardiac arrest no longer considered a major symptom? KUTNER: Not when it's caused by drowning. HOUSE: So your new theory is that you were an idiot to take this case. KUTNER: Yes. Can I go test that theory now? HOUSE: Waste of time. He needs a bone marrow transplant for the amyloidosis. WILSON: You'd have to irradiate him first. If they're right about the blood, you'd be destroying his immune system for nothing. [House stares at Wilson.] Which could be a good thing, does he have a really crappy life? HOUSE: Go prove I'm right. Do a subcutaneous fat biopsy. 13: At least let us eliminate the bad blood theory, check the blood banks for mismarks and contamination. [13's hand starts shaking, she quickly puts it in her pocket but not before House notices.] HOUSE: You've got two hours. KUTNER: That's completely arbitrary. HOUSE: No, if I'd said that you got three lunar months, that'd be completely arbitrary. Two hours is how long it's going to take Big Love to finish a biopsy that you guys can't do because you're wasting two hours checking blood. [13 and Kutner leave. House turns his attention back to Wilson and the foosball.] Nine - Three. WILSON: Five - all. [House throws the ball into the centre and they start playing again.] [Cut to Taub walking into the Lab where Cole is doing a test.] TAUB: Hey. Brought you something from the cafeteria. [Cole laughs.] It's not a bribe. This is a bribe. [Hands an envelope to Cole.] COLE: [Looks in the envelope.] How much? TAUB: One million dollars. [Cole just stares at him.] Five thousand dollars. COLE: This is so wrong. TAUB: House specifically said you can use whatever criteria you want. I've got money, you need money. COLE: [Hands the envelope back.] Hand me that slide. TAUB: [Hands over the slide.] Right now, you're earning what I'm earning, which is miserable. I know what school your kid's at. I know what it costs. I've seen his picture. He's going to need braces. [Cut to Kutner, 13 and Foreman in the blood bank.] KUTNER: No RBC damage. 13: Nothing wrong with storage. I'm going to double-check type and start cultures. [House walks in.] FOREMAN: We've still got 32 minutes left. HOUSE: Time flies, what have you found? FOREMAN: You're checking up on them. That means Cole's finished with the biopsy, and it was negative. HOUSE: Inconclusive. Fat doesn't always give you the answer. Need to biopsy his actual organs, lungs, kidneys, liver. KUTNER: We stick another needle in him, he'll haemorrhage. HOUSE: Unless we start treatment for amyloidosis. 13: Unless it's not amyloidosis. If he has an infection the radiation will kll him. HOUSE: Show me evidence of infection. 13: We need more than two hours, some of these cultures will take at least a day to grow. HOUSE: He'll be dad in a day. KUTNER: Like he predicted. HOUSE: No! He'll be half a day off. Would it make you guys feel any better if I let you argue with me for... [Looks at his watch.] Three minutes before I order you to treat for amyloidosis? No. Just treat for amyloidosis. [Starts to leave.] FOREMAN: No. Don't. HOUSE: You're playing the Cuddy card? FOREMAN: That's why I'm here. HOUSE: Amyloidosis was your idea. FOREMAN: I was wrong. HOUSE: Yeah, me too, you were never fun. Give me the blood. I'm type AB, give me the blood. [Takes off his jacket.] KUTNER: Whatever's in there could be klling him. HOUSE: In where? How much tainted blood do you think they keep in here? How many people would have gotten sick... 13: It would have to have been the first batch, the splenectomy, that's when the symptoms started. HOUSE: [Rolls up his sleeve.] Ok. So transfuse blood from those donors. I'll be fine, we move on, treat for amyloidosis. [Holds out his arms.] Fill 'er up. [Cut to 13 hanging a bag of blood for House, who is eating cookies.] HOUSE: I have a new theory. You're not stubborn. You're not getting it checked 'cause you already know the answer. I found an old picture in your wallet. 13: Of course you did. HOUSE: I wasn't snooping, I needed lunch money. Figure it's your mum, except she looks about 32 years old. The only reason not to update a photo in 20-odd years is she's not talking to you, which would be interesting, or she's dad. Which would also be interesting. [13 gives House a look.] She's dad. 13: So's Grover Cleveland. HOUSE: Pretty young to have a dad mum. You were even younger 20 years ago. I googled her obituary. Said she died at Newhaven Presbyterian after a long illness. Parkinson's? 13: [Sits down.] Huntington's chorea. HOUSE: I'm sorry. 13: I'm leaving when this case is over. HOUSE: No you're not. 13: You don't want a doctor on your team who's slowly losing control of her body and mind. HOUSE: Huntington's isn't the only thing that causes tremors. 13: You think it's just a coincidence? HOUSE: I think you're the only one on the team who drinks decaf. I've been switching it out with regular ever since you dropped that file. You're trembling because you're hopped up on caffeine. The first file wasn't my fault. Medical explanation for that is... People drop things. 13: I've been walking around thinking I'm dying. HOUSE: You are. 13: You don't know that. HOUSE: With Huntington's, it's inevitable. 13: No, you don't know, because I don't know! HOUSE: [Surprised.] How could you not get tested? If your mum had it, it's a 50% chance, you're a bmb waiting to explode. 13: Not knowing makes me do things I think I'm scared to do, take flying lessons, climb Kilimanjaro, work for you. HOUSE: Yeah because if you knew, you couldn't do any of those things. [13 notices something.] What? 13: You're sweating. [Feels his forehead.] You're burning up. House... You're sick. [Cut to everyone in the diagnostics office, House is sitting down, drinking tea and still sweating.] KUTNER: Could be pneumococcus. That'd cause chest pain and the stiff neck. HOUSE: It's not pneumococcus. KUTNER: Let me check your lymph nodes. [House slaps his hand away.] HOUSE: I'm not the patient. The patient is the one whose body is shutting down, I'm having a benign transfusion reaction. AMBER: Pseudomonas would present as an armpit rash, take off your shirt. HOUSE: You first. COLE: House, you got to let us do this. We can't biopsy him without bleeding him to death. HOUSE: You are not biopsying me. TAUB: How's your stomach? Any diarrhoea? HOUSE: [Sighs.] The more transfusions you have, the greater the chance of you reacting, I've had three in a decade. Fever will be gone in a couple of hours. 13: I heard somewhere that doctors ignore symptoms because they think they can't get sick. KUTNER: You told us to give you the blood so that you wouldn't... HOUSE: I am not sick. TAUB: Fever is a symptom. HOUSE: But not of what the patient has! My kidneys are working, I'm not bleeding out of every organ. COLE: Yet. HOUSE: This is a waste of time. And it's distracting you from the actual case. [Gets up and starts to walk away but stops after a couple of steps.] 13: What's wrong? HOUSE: The room is spinning. COLE: You ok? HOUSE: No, I'm dizzy, and my mouth just went dry. KUTNER: Could be a symptom of any number of... HOUSE: It's a symptom of narcotics. [Looks at his cup of tea.] Who spiked my... [Collapses on the floor.] [Cut to House still unconscious, 13 and Cole are biopsying him.] 13: What'd you drug him with? COLE: Amber's nickname is Cut-throat bitch, and you're pointing at me. Got the kidney sample. 13: You're the only one with nothing to lose. COLE: Could have been you. You don't seem to care if you get this job or not. 13: Yeah, I've been here for eight weeks because my subscription to masochism weekly ran out. COLE: You're the only one who hasn't asked me not to put them on the block. 13: You're either going to pick me or you're not. You're fair enough to try to make the right decision, and arrogant enough that nothing I can say will change your mind. I don't want it to be over, but... unless worrying about it is going to make a difference... [13 starts to ultrasound House. House groans.] COLE: I'm going to run some stains. [13 stares at Cole.] He'll be less of an ass to you. [Cole gets out of there as quickly as possible. House wakes up. 13 takes a drink from her bottle of water.] HOUSE: Patient dad yet? 13: No. HOUSE: [Look at his hands and sees that he has been tied to the table.] That's a little much for a first date. 13: Obviously you've never dated me. HOUSE: Feels like you already got the... Lung and kidney samples. 13: Now I just need a piece of your liver. HOUSE: Hey, you might want to use a little bit of lidocaine... 13: Oh yeah, I forgot. [Jabs the biopsy needle into House. House groans in pain.] Slight pinch. HOUSE: You drugged me. 13: [Untying House.] You drugged me. [13 leaves. House sits up, sticks a rubber glove on top of the bottle of water 13 left behind and hobbles out with it.] [Cut to House in his office, Wilson walks in.] WILSON: Stopped by the lab. Your mutinous team is starting to worry about life on Pit Cairn Island. All your biopsies are clean. HOUSE: Because there's nothing wrong with me. Did Foreman finally ok the amyloidosis treatment? WILSON: Patient's scheduled for irradiation at nine. [Sits down.] You risked your life AGAIN. You couldn't be sure he had amyloidosis. HOUSE: You can't be sure that I couldn't be sure. WILSON: You did one test, it was negative. HOUSE: Inconclusive. WILSON: Well then, by all means, flood your body with possibly lethal blood. HOUSE: I usually like to give the lethal blood to Foreman, but I'm the only one who's type AB. WILSON: Of course, you're type AB. Universal recipient, you take from everybody. HOUSE: Of course, you're type O. Universal donor. No wonder you're paying three alimonies. WILSON: How do you know... What blood type I am? HOUSE: [Shrugs.] I don't. Just seemed to fit the metaphor. WILSON: No, no, no, no, no. Did you test my blood for something? Why would you test my blood for something? HOUSE: I didn't. You must have told me what you were. WILSON: Who the hell chats about their blood type? You had to have tested me. HOUSE: [Epiphany.] There's no reason to ask anyone their blood type. WILSON: You're about to run out of here, aren't you? [House leaves.] [Cut to House walking up to Finn who is being wheeled down the corridor on a bed.] HOUSE: Nurse, can I have a moment with my patient? NURSE: He's due in radiation. HOUSE: It's too late. He's dying. [They leave him alone with Finn.] FINN: Told you. HOUSE: I'm sorry I doubted you. Be a shame if your secrets died with you. Perhaps you've got that trick written down somewhere? Or maybe you want to tell me, and I'll write it down for you. That way... you can live on. FINN: [Laughs.] I'm taking it with me. See, that way, it stays magic. HOUSE: You were wrong about everything. It was never magic, and you're not dying. [Finn is surprised.] What's your blood type? FINN: Type A. [House smiles.] What? HOUSE: Trust me, it's way cooler to know. [Cut to House entering the radiation room where Foreman, 13 and Kutner are waiting.] FOREMAN: Where's Finn? HOUSE: Up my sleeve. It's not amyloidosis. And his blood's fine, we just gave him the wrong type. Caused the DIC, explains the bleeding, multisystem failures. 13: But we tested his blood. HOUSE: That's because we don't test blood for type. We test for antibodies. FOREMAN: Because your body only makes those antibodies when you actually have that type of blood. HOUSE: Apparently, he has one more symptom, his body's making an extra antibody, type B. Combine that with his natural type A, and presto change-o, he magically pulls blood type AB out of his hat. FOREMAN: Would you stop that? HOUSE: God yes! 13: Autoimmune diseases can make antibodies go haywire, but still... HOUSE: It's happened, and apparently, it's happened again. I finally have a case of lupus. Flush him with saline, transfuse four units type A, start him on steroids. He'll be back hoodwinking idiots in no time. [Cut to Aerial of PPTH, night.] [Cut to the 5 numbers sitting in the lecture hall waiting. House walks in carrying a pillow with the red thong laid on top of it. He walks over to Cole.] HOUSE: Big Love, rise. [Cole stands up, House gets down on one knee in front of Cole and lifts the pillow above his head.] Use their power wisely my lord. [Cole takes the thong of the pillow. House stands up and throws the pillow on his desk.] COLE: I nominate... Amber. HOUSE: Cut-throat bitch, rise. [Amber stands up and gives a glare to Cole.] You're surprised? You're everyone's pick. [To Cole.] Next victim. COLE: I nominate... Kutner. [Kutner looks shocked but stands up.] HOUSE: Now everyone's surprised. [To Cole.] Why? COLE: You said I don't have to justify my picks. HOUSE: No... I said you could use whatever criteria you want, doesn't mean I don't want to know. He was right about this being a real case, he was right about the botched transfusion and he's your love nugget. You've got no reason to pick him. [Cole hangs his head and stares at the ground.] But somebody else does. Kutner's a liability. He electrocuted himself, lit a patient on fre, it's only a matter of time before he burns the hospital down. You made a deal with Cuddy. That's how you got her underwear. She sold it to you for the right to put her choices on the block. COLE: You said get her underwear, I got it. HOUSE: Your scheme was brilliant... and you're fired. COLE: You're all about breaking the rules. HOUSE: Her rules, not mine. The whole point of this was to subvert Cuddy. You became her partner, gave her power she didn't already have. Let her greedy fingers into my cookie jar, which, sadly is, not as dirty as it sounds. Thanks for playing. [House leaves. Amber, 13 and Taub go over to Cole to give their commiserations. Kutner leaves without looking at Cole.] [Cut to 13 walking into House's office with an envelope.] 13: What the hell is this? [Puts the envelope on House's desk.] HOUSE: [Picks it up and looks at it.] Looks like an envelope with the results of the genetic test for Huntington's inside. 13: Did you look? HOUSE: I thought it'd be fun to find out together. 13: I don't want to know. HOUSE: No, you're afraid to know. 13: I might die. So could you, you could get ht by a bus tomorrow. The only difference is you don't have to know about it today, so why should I? HOUSE: I don't have to know the lottery numbers, but if someone offered them to me, I'd take them. 13: You spend your whole life looking for answers. Because you think the next answer will change something, maybe make you a little less miserable. And you know that when you run out of questions, you don't just run out of answers, you run out of hope. You glad you know that? [13 leaves. House thinks for a few seconds then drops the envelope in the bin unopened.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x08 - You Don't Want to Know"}	foreverdreaming
[Alley behind Nightclub. Night. Three bored-looking punk rockers hang outside. One of them, Jimmy Quidd (late 30s), keeps flicking his Zippo lighter on and off absently. He looks stoned. A cigarette rests in his mouth. The drummer, Ian, taps his sticks on his chest. The heavy iron door opens and Rex, the guitarist, joins them outside, carrying a teardrop-shaped guitar. He seems more upbeat than the rest of them.] REX: Roman emperors were the real punks. IAN: Don't say "punk", it's cliché. REX: [leaning near Ian] Whatever. Lemme tell you about these dinner parties. [Quidd coughs. Next to him, Fred sits down, blwing out smoke.] REX: Nero loved a good poisoning. IAN: At a dinner party? REX: He arranged one right at the table... JIMMY QUIDD: [drawling] I don't feel like goin' on tonight. [Rex keeps talking to Ian, while Fred speaks to Quidd.] FRED: [smiles] Too bad. 'Cause that's what makes the club feel like paying us. [Ignoring him, Quidd puts the cigarette to his lips.] REX: ...This is all in the book. Titus would ply his guests with wine... [Quidd notices Rex's guitar and glances over at Fred.] REX: ... then bind their privates with a cord. JIMMY QUIDD: [calling] Hey! [to Rex] D'you get a new guitar? [Rex, happy that he noticed, stands upright, displaying the guitar.] REX: [enthusiastically] '64 teardrop reissue. Not a mark on it. JIMMY QUIDD: Alright. [He stands and ambles over to Rex.] JIMMY QUIDD: [holding out his hand] Can I see it? [Rex hands it over. Quidd looks at it, while rock music is heard in the club.] JIMMY QUIDD: It's nice. [Suddenly, he slams it on the ground and drags it along the ground, scratching it badly. Rex, shocked at the damage, yells out and chases after Quidd, trying to rescue his guitar.] REX: Hey! Hey! He-ey! [Quidd hammers the guitar against the nearby dumpster for good measure, while Rex struggles to grab it back.] REX: Hey! Cut it out, man! [Ian looks mortified while Fred laughs heartily.] REX: Hey! You stupid sonuva...! [Stopping, Quidd finally pulls away from Rex.] JIMMY QUIDD: Hey, it's a hunk of wood, bro. [He shoves it at Rex, who snatches it away, pissed.] JIMMY QUIDD: It should look like a hunk of wood. We're not the Philharmonic. [Rex angrily inspects the damage on his guitar.] JIMMY QUIDD: [chuckles] See, look, man. It's better already. [Rex decides to make the guitar even better by ramming it hard into Quidd's jaw. Quidd falls against the dumpster. The other bandmates come over and pull Rex away. The heavy iron door opens and the club owner comes outside.] CLUB OWNER: [brusquely] Hey! It's 10:45. How 'bout takin' that on stage? [Quidd stands up straight, smiling.] JIMMY QUIDD: Now I feel like goin' on. [Quidd rubs his nose. The club owner grabs Rex and yanks him inside. Ian and Fred enter the club, while Quidd starts to follow. He stops at the door, leaning against it, looking tired. He walks back into the alley, swinging his arms, trying to loosen them up. He leans against the dumpster and drops his head. He coughs. Then he vomits out blood. He coughs some more and groans. Frustrated, he kicks the dumpster a couple of times. His coughs intensify. He knows something's wrong and looks back at the club backdoor, looking for someone. He doubles over, coughing harder each time. The camera zooms onto his ashen face. His eyes go blank and he falls to the floor, landing on his back. He coughs once more, then passes out.] [Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, Doctor's lounge. Day. Camera holds on the TV, where "General Hospital" (I'm guessing) is running. The stunning blonde nurse, Luisa Maria, speaks to a younger guy, Chris, who doesn't seem to want to listen to her.] LUISA MARIA: [on TV] You're my child. And so were the quadruplets. And I'm not gonna give any of you up. [Dr. Gregory House sits on the couch and watches the soap opera in rapt attention, eating popcorn. Behind him, the door opens and Dr. Lisa Cuddy enters. House rolls his eyes at the interruption and arches his neck backwards to see her.] CHRIS: [on TV] Don't you dare talk to me as a mother. GREG HOUSE: Sign on the door says "Closed for private event". LISA CUDDY: You're alone. GREG HOUSE: How much more private can you get? [eats some popcorn, then reaches out] Can you pass me a tissue? LISA CUDDY: Who are you keeping? You owed me a decision ten days ago. GREG HOUSE: [ignores the question, points to the TV] Total amnesia. [Cuddy looks at the TV.] LUISA MARIA: [on TV] ... you ever had. You're my whole life. You. GREG HOUSE: Luisa Maria can't decide if she's gonna keep the quadruplets. [Cuddy has enough. She reaches for the remote control on the couch and switches off the TV. House doesn't move.] GREG HOUSE: She keeps them. I read it online. You happy now? I ruined it for you. [Cuddy walks in front of him.] LISA CUDDY: I want two names by Friday. GREG HOUSE: Fine. I'll arrange for a patient with a mysterious illness to come in on Thursday. [munches popcorn] LISA CUDDY: Yes. You need more tests. 'S only been... two months. Who knows how they'll react to freak weather patterns? GREG HOUSE: They all did fine in the wind tunnel. LISA CUDDY: Two names by Friday, or the pay overruns come out of your salary. [Still holding the remote, she starts to walk towards the door, near the TV. House, hardly bothered, pulls out another remote and switches on the TV. Cuddy is stunned at the insubordination. She stands in front of the TV.] LUISA MARIA: [on TV] I can hurt too. I know that now. LISA CUDDY: [meaning business] And I'll move your parking space to the "E" Lot. CHRIS: [on TV, crying] Don't ever leave me, mom. [Cuddy leaves. House turns off the TV reluctantly.] [PPTH Emergency Room. Day. House limps into the ER and walks past Dr. Allison Cameron.] GREG HOUSE: [to Cameron] Hey! Who's the sickest patient you got? ALLISON CAMERON: I've got a guy who'll be dad in the next ten minutes. [House stops limping and looks at her.] ALLISON CAMERON: [chuckles] Ohh! You mean someone who might actually survive a diagnosis. [House turns and pulls open a curtain with his cane, exposing an old lady, lying in a bed.] ALLISON CAMERON: There's nothing here. Just the usual cracked heads, gn, false alarms. GREG HOUSE: Who'd you pick to fill your narrow little flats? ALLISON CAMERON: [smiling] So you could fre them off my recommendation? Nice try. [A patient calls out.] JIMMY QUIDD: [vo] Hey! Who do I have to grope to get some turn-down service in here? [Cameron goes over to a curtain and pulls it back. Jimmy Quidd sits inside on a bed, hooked up to a monitor and an IV drip. He has the same dopey expression on his face.] ALLISON CAMERON: Jimmy Quidd. He's a punk rock singer. JIMMY QUIDD: Punk rockstar to you. GREG HOUSE: [checking Quidd's chart] Repeated trauma, self-cutting, fever, arthralgia, hyperinflated chest, fatigue, anaemia, [turns the page] blood in the stool and urine. [interested] I've died and gone to diagnostic heaven. ALLISON CAMERON: [taking the chart] His blood results shows booze, cocaine, amphetamines, opiates. The only mystery here is how he made it to be thirty-eight. JIMMY QUIDD: [weakly pulling out a cigarette] I'm twenty-eight. ALLISON CAMERON: And he lies. And he's a pain in the ass. [She pulls the cigarette out of his mouth.] JIMMY QUIDD: [tries to get it back] Hey, c'mon. ALLISON CAMERON: No, no... GREG HOUSE: Wrap him up. I'll take him to-go. [He leaves. Quidd starts to rip off the IV-drip and monitor leads on him. Cameron struggles with him, while getting sprayed with the IV liquid.] [PPTH Lecture Hall. Day. House stands, facing the array of boards on the wall, while he speaks to the four remaining Fellows and Dr. Eric Foreman.] GREG HOUSE: Dizzying array of symptoms. Any of which could be caused by drugs, trauma, being a loser. ERIC FOREMAN: [reading Quidd's file] The guy's a walking pharmacy. Could be anything. GREG HOUSE: [suddenly] Oh, forgot to mention... Final case. Get it right, you're hired. Runner-up will be decided strictly on some definition of merit. [The Fellows, now facing a "do-or-die" situation, sit forward. Dr. Lawrence Kutner jerks in his seat as he offers his suggestion. Dr... "Thirteen" follows immediately.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: [quickly] Endocarditis. "THIRTEEN": Hemorrhagic lesions in the lungs and gut. Bronchiolitis obliterans. [Foreman, sitting away from them, shakes his head at House's new game.] AMBER VOLAKIS: He smoked his airways into oblivion. [Camera pans from Dr. Amber Volakis to Dr. Chris Taub.] CHRIS TAUB: Endocarditis. [Camera quick-pans to Kutner.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Ah, I already said that. [Camera quick-pans to Taub.] CHRIS TAUB: I'd heard of it before you mentioned it. GREG HOUSE: [to Taub] Speed counts. Find something else. "THIRTEEN": Could be bacterial meningitis. GREG HOUSE: You already picked. CHRIS TAUB: [raises his hand] I'll take meningitis. GREG HOUSE: Too late. Go run your tests. [The Fellows stand up and prepare to leave. Foreman speaks.] ERIC FOREMAN: No, he's sick 'cause he's a drug addict. GREG HOUSE: No, he has every symptom you'd expect of a drug addict. ERIC FOREMAN: So you think it's all too perfect? Some other disease is trying to throw us off its trail? GREG HOUSE: If he had four out of twenty possible symptoms, he'd be a garden-variety druggie. Twenty out of twenty, there's an underlying disease. [to the Fellows] Run your tests. ERIC FOREMAN: No! [He stands, stopping the Fellows in their tracks.] ERIC FOREMAN: He's weak, in withdrawal, just spewed blood. They're gonna rip off a piece of his lung, ram instruments down his throat, and roto-rooter his intestines. [lower-lip-pouts] Be nice if we didn't kll him trying to figure out what's klling him. [The Fellows look at House, waiting for his decision.] GREG HOUSE: [concedes] One diagnosis, one test at a time. [Amber steps forward, pleading her case.] AMBER VOLAKIS: O2 stats are low. Hyper-inflated chest. I need a bronchoscopy to... GREG HOUSE: [interrupts] You just lost two points. AMBER VOLAKIS: What for? GREG HOUSE: For thinking it makes a difference who goes first. Only one person can be right. LAWRENCE KUTNER: What points? GREG HOUSE: Can't have an objective system of measurement without numbers. You lose three for not knowing that. [He looks on the desk and holds up an anatomical model of an eyeball on a stand - "The Eyeball".] GREG HOUSE: From now on, only the person holding this can treat or run tests. [He hands it to Amber.] GREG HOUSE: I wanted to give you the Serpent Staff with the poison axe head, but I left it in my car. [Amber slowly takes the Eyeball and quickly walks out the door at the back, followed by the others. Foreman stands there, arms folded, giving House an annoyed look. House limps quickly towards the side door. Foreman moves to follow.] [PPTH Hallway. Day. House limps into the hallway, Foreman hot on his heels.] GREG HOUSE: [seeing Foreman] Don't need you. ERIC FOREMAN: It's one thing to hire based on a game. GREG HOUSE: Do-on't need your lecture. ERIC FOREMAN: It's insane to treat based on a game. GREG HOUSE: You're not taking the long view. ERIC FOREMAN: The one where we stuff another patient in a body bag? GREG HOUSE: Nope, if we're wrong, it'll come pretty fast. The long view is the one where we pick the best team. That way we can use all the bags we save for grocery shopping. [At the elevator, Foreman stops and sh*t House a "are-you-kidding-me?" look. House stops and looks at Foreman.] GREG HOUSE: You're not buying that argument, are you? ERIC FOREMAN: No. GREG HOUSE: In which case, I'm back to my original position - don't need you. [He retreats into the elevator. Foreman stands there, defeated yet annoyed.] [Dr. James Wilson's Office. Day. House enters. Not seeing Wilson at his desk, he looks around and sees him sitting on the couch, holding a file. Wilson has a troubled look on his face. House moves towards Wilson's unoccupied desk.] GREG HOUSE: What do you think of Amber? JAMES WILSON: I screwed up a diagnosis. [House sits at the desk, propping his feet on the table. Wilson just nods his head.] GREG HOUSE: You don't seem that upset by it. JAMES WILSON: [stands] Diagnosed a guy with adenocarcinoma three months ago. Told him he had six months. GREG HOUSE: So now you've got to tell him that he's way behind on his Christmas shopping. JAMES WILSON: He didn't get worse. I re-checked everything. Biopsy was a false positive. Harmless lesions caused by talc inhalation. GREG HOUSE: Medical clemency. Interesting. JAMES WILSON: Why would you use that word? GREG HOUSE: Because I'm interested. When I'm interested, I describe the things that make me interested as interesting. JAMES WILSON: Most people would say "good", possibly "great". Why aren't you able to just enjoy...? GREG HOUSE: [standing] Why aren't other people able to just be interested? [He leaves. Wilson looks over the file again.] [PPTH Hallway/Men's bathroom. Day. Amber stands outside the men's bathroom. "Thirteen" walks up to her.] "THIRTEEN": 'S he in there? AMBER VOLAKIS: Yeah. "THIRTEEN": Why'd you go right for the drug theories? AMBER VOLAKIS: If he had a history of shoving cancer into his veins, I'd have guessed cancer. "THIRTEEN": [nods as if understanding] Okay. You're an idiot. Either that or you've decided you can trust a smoking addict alone in a bathroom with an oxygen tnk. [As if on cue, an explsin, sounds of shattering glass and a metal cylinder noisily falling are heard. Amber, scared and astonished, runs inside. Inside, the bathroom is a mess, smoke everywhere. Quidd lies prone on the ground, too stoned to be in pain. A lit cigarette lies an arm's length away from him. Amber and "Thirteen" run to help him. Almost figuratively, the Eyeball falls out of Amber's lab coat.]] [Wilson's Office. Day. Restraining his joy, Wilson speaks to his not-dying patient, Mr. McKenna.] JAMES WILSON: I got your new test results back. [The door opens and some sour-looking guy, in a lab coat, enters. Hey, it's House! In a lab coat!] GREG HOUSE: Sorry I'm late. [Wilson seems more surprised by the sight of House in a lab coat, than by his latest intrusion.] MR. MCKENNA: Who's your colleague? [House goes behind Wilson and leans on his bookcase.] JAMES WILSON: Dr. House... GREG HOUSE: Yes, Dr. Wilson? JAMES WILSON: I really don't need the consult. MR. MCKENNA: I know the prognosis. GREG HOUSE: Apparently not. [McKenna looks confused.] JAMES WILSON: [happily] Mr. McKenna, I can't believe I'm able to say this, but... you're cancer-free. The biopsy looked like adenocarcinoma, But it wasn't. Harmless lesions on your lungs. You're fine. [House watches McKenna intently. McKenna still looks confused. Wilson chuckles. McKenna doesn't look very happy though.] MR. MCKENNA: I don't get it. [Wilson did not expect an answer like this. House smiles.] GREG HOUSE: Cool. JAMES WILSON: [waving his hand at House] No, it's-it's... I know this must come as a shock, but I've double-checked the labs. MR. MCKENNA: [despondent] I just accepted an offer on my house. I've had three good-bye parties. I-I'm buying plane tickets to Venice. GREG HOUSE: You can still use those if you're alive. MR. MCKENNA: I have to pay a six thousand dollars broker commission on a house I'm not selling. Money I don't have. [bat] Thank you... for letting me know. [He gets up and leaves. Wilson's turn to look confused.] JAMES WILSON: I, uh, I would have thought the living would mean more than the expenses. GREG HOUSE: It's not about the money. [Diagnostics Office. Day. House writes the Fellows' points on the whiteboard: BITCH KUTNER 13 TAUB ------------------------------------------------- 17 The Fellows enter, Amber carrying the eyeball.] AMBER VOLAKIS: [sitting, happy] I have seventeen points? GREG HOUSE: I started you all out on a hundred. And you blew up part of the building. [Amber looks nonplussed.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Where's Foreman? GREG HOUSE: He got paged. LAWRENCE KUTNER: By who? Is it about our...? GREG HOUSE: By me. I needed him right away. Somewhere else. [He enters the others' scores as 97, 100, 100 respectively.] CHRIS TAUB: We're hiding from Foreman? GREG HOUSE: [mock-hurt] Foreman accused me of playing games with patient care. "THIRTEEN": Who gets the eyeball next? AMBER VOLAKIS: I haven't run my test yet. It still might be a lung issue. "THIRTEEN": You can't run your test. The patient had massive smoke inhalation. Do a bronchoscopy, it'll set off a laryngospasm. AMBER VOLAKIS: I'll do an open-lung biopsy instead. "THIRTEEN": You want an invasive surgery because you screwed up? [House slowly moves behind the whiteboard, in anticipation of a catfight.] AMBER VOLAKIS: [defensively] The patient snuck a cigarette. "THIRTEEN": The patient is an addict. It's not his fault he's jonesing for whatever he can get his hands on. AMBER VOLAKIS: Not his fault he's jonesing? In what universe does that make any sense? GREG HOUSE: [peeking from behind the whiteboard] Get him on a nicotine patch. It'll keep up with his joneses. Do your biopsy. [With a smug smile to "Thirteen", Amber stands and leaves, followed by Kutner and Taub. "Thirteen" looks peeved, but leaves wordlessly. House comes out from behind the whiteboard.] [PPTH Waiting Area/Quidd's room. Day. Foreman sits on a couch, reading a magazine, in the waiting area. Dr. Robert Chase comes up.] ROBERT CHASE: How's the new us'es final case going? [He sits next to Foreman.] ERIC FOREMAN: It's a moving target. House keeps moving it so I can't find it. ROBERT CHASE: [peeking at the magazine] So... you've decided to focus on solving the problem in Darfur. ERIC FOREMAN: [jerks his head towards Quidd's room] Taub is in there prepping the patient for a biopsy. Stay close to Taub, stay close to House. ROBERT CHASE: And stay close to the game. ERIC FOREMAN: I'm trying to stop the game. ROBERT CHASE: That's your role in the game. [Foreman's pager beeps. He goes to get it.] ERIC FOREMAN: You wander over here to annoy me? [Foreman looks at his pager.] ROBERT CHASE: You're not wearing a lab coat. House doesn't wear one, does he? ERIC FOREMAN: Damn! Now when I walk away, it's gonna look like I Have a reason other than just annoyance. [He gets up to leave.] [In Quidd's room, Amber and Taub are having a hard time doing a biopsy on Quidd, as he refuses to allow them to touch his left arm, which he keeps under his sheets. Foreman enters.] CHRIS TAUB: [struggling] He won't let us finish prepping him for the biopsy. ERIC FOREMAN: You try the other arm? AMBER VOLAKIS: [irritated] The problem's not the arm, it's the entire patient. [Foreman gloves up and goes towards Quidd. Amber gives him the biopsy needle. Foreman picks up Quidd's right arm without any protests from Quidd. He pushes in the needle.] JIMMY QUIDD: Ow. [Foreman frowns at Quidd.] JIMMY QUIDD: Hi. ERIC FOREMAN: [to Taub and Amber] He let you check his chest. He let you do anything except check that arm. [He pulls back the sheet to expose Quidd's left arm. He holds up the arm, which is covered with nicotine patches.] ERIC FOREMAN: He wallpapered himself with nicotine patches. [Dropping the arm, he motions to Amber to continue. Amber, miffed, steps forward.] AMBER VOLAKIS: Real rebellion has a point. It's not just juvenile and purposeless. JIMMY QUIDD: Maybe purposelessness is my purpose. AMBER VOLAKIS: [nods] Mission accomplished. [Taub meanwhile has been checking Quidd's left hand.] CHRIS TAUB: Amber... it's not the patches. He's got blood clots moving through his body. [He shows Amber and Foreman Quidd's left arm index finger, the tip of which is darkened considerably.] AMBER VOLAKIS: [somberly] Means... I was wrong. JIMMY QUIDD: [mock-concerned] Oh-oh. [Diagnostics Office/House's Office. Day. House paces in front of the whiteboard, while the Fellows (minus Taub) sit at the glass table.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: If a clot reaches his lungs or his heart, it'll kll him. [House throws him a look and ominously hangs his cane on the board and sets Kutner's points to 87. Amber is down to -6 and Taub is down to 80, by the way,] LAWRENCE KUTNER: [protesting] It's true. GREG HOUSE: We all know it's true. You just wasted our time. LAWRENCE KUTNER: And what you're doing? GREG HOUSE: I'm not competing. "THIRTEEN": Where's Taub? GREG HOUSE: Foreman was following him. LAWRENCE KUTNER: So you paged Taub. GREG HOUSE: Didn't see that I had much choice. [re: Quidd, not Taub] He has schistocytes in his blood smear. Which means the DIC's causing clotting. What's causing the DIC? AMBER VOLAKIS: Drug impurities. GREG HOUSE: You lost your round. AMBER VOLAKIS: New symptom, new round. This has to be drug related. "THIRTEEN": This is how doctors kll patients. By seeing the stereotype instead of the truth. AMBER VOLAKIS: [arguing] Drug addicts use drugs is a stereotype? Drugs are bad is a stereotype? Losers lose is... "THIRTEEN": [ignoring the tirade] Malaria. LAWRENCE KUTNER: He hasn't left the country in years. "THIRTEEN": Malaria's relapsing-recurring. For all we know, he could have been sick for years. It explains not just the DIC and the bleeding, but the tiredness, fever. [Amber chuckles wryly.] "THIRTEEN": Everything we attributed to drugs. AMBER VOLAKIS: Oh, yeah, it's much more likely that this ass punk rocker was exposed to malaria than drugs? GREG HOUSE: If you were always right, then you wouldn't have just been wrong. Or let the patient mainline nicotine. Or ravaged my anatomical model, which Grandma House bought me when I aced my MCATs. LAWRENCE KUTNER: A pharmaceutical rep left that here on Tuesday. GREG HOUSE: [picking up the Eyeball] Grandma does some part-time work. LAWRENCE KUTNER: The rep was a thirty-something babe. GREG HOUSE: Thank you. I got her hips. [hands the Eyeball to "Thirteen"] Carry it with pride. ["Thirteen" stands and leaves, followed by Kutner and Taub. House addresses Amber. ] GREG HOUSE: [pointing to his office] Manipulative bitch, you're wanted in the loser's circle. [He limps to his office, with Amber following him. He goes to his desk.] GREG HOUSE: Why do you hate drug addicts? AMBER VOLAKIS: [carefully] Your situation is different. You're taking a necessary prescription. GREG HOUSE: [sits] I know... I'm fabulous. And I'm not the patient. AMBER VOLAKIS: I'm not allowed to have a problem with junkies? GREG HOUSE: You're allowed, but there's gotta be a reason. He's a patient. You don't know him. But you hate him. AMBER VOLAKIS: He's throwing his life away. GREG HOUSE: 'Cause he's setting his own terms? Not living in fear of every pop quiz? [He swallows some Vicodin.] AMBER VOLAKIS: I thought we were talking about him. GREG HOUSE: [exhales] We were never talking about him. Why are you afraid to lose? AMBER VOLAKIS: [laughs] Are you gonna fre me because I like to win? GREG HOUSE: Just want to know the reason. AMBER VOLAKIS: [pretends to think] Um, I watched this football game once. And I noticed something odd. [sarcastic] The winning team was the happy one. I did the math. GREG HOUSE: Our patient's happy. AMBER VOLAKIS: [softly] He's an idiot. GREG HOUSE: He's a happy idiot. That screws with your world view. There's something freeing about being a loser, isn't there? Why are you afraid to...? AMBER VOLAKIS: [interrupts, irritated] Mommy didn't love me enough. Daddy expected too much from me. [bat] Something! [She glares at House.] AMBER VOLAKIS: Let's assume that's true. I get how that can make me a screwed-up person. [choking] But how is my willingness to do anything to get the right answer bad for my patients? [bat] Or put in terms you can understand, how is it bad for you? [House doesn't answer. She smiles and leaves.] [PPTH Hallway. Day. "Thirteen" walks with Taub (who's carrying two paper bags).] "THIRTEEN": I didn't ask you to pick up the meds. CHRIS TAUB: I'm trying to be a good colleague. "THIRTEEN": You're trying to boost your score by prescribing drugs for House. Why else would you have a second bag? CHRIS TAUB: Didn't say good colleague to you. "THIRTEEN": You realize we still have a patient. CHRIS TAUB: Don't care about the patient. "THIRTEEN": Do you care about this job more than you care about his life? CHRIS TAUB: I care about my wallpaper more than I care about his life. "THIRTEEN": [chuckles] Okay, you're jerking me around. There's no reason to be a doctor if you don't care... [He stops walking, making her stop and turn to him.] CHRIS TAUB: I care about life. I just don't care about his. He doesn't care. Why should I? My time is better spent... "THIRTEEN": Kissing up to your boss. [Taub gives her a sideways glance. They resume walking.] CHRIS TAUB: Average doctor cuts off a patient eighteen seconds into a history because that's all the time he's got. Meanwhile six of us are administering to a guy with a death wish. ["Thirteen" stops, prompting Taub to do the same.] "THIRTEEN": So why do you want the job? CHRIS TAUB: Not because I'm maximizing my service to mankind. "THIRTEEN": [smiles] Good for you. [He gives her a characteristic tight smile and they resume walking towards Quidd's room, a few steps away. They stop in surprise, seeing Ian sitting near the bed, but no Quidd.] "THIRTEEN": [to Ian] Where is he? [Ian shrugs in ignorance.] CHRIS TAUB: [calmly] We're gonna spend the next hour looking for a guy who doesn't want to be found. [They go off in search of Quidd.] [Wilson's Office. Day. House sits at the desk. A really loud and incoherent electric guitar riff (accompanied by drums) blasts from the record player. Sounds a little less annoying than fingernails running down a chalkboard and more unsettling than a death rattle. Wilson enters, not surprised to see House there, but definitely rattled by the loud "music".] GREG HOUSE: [loudly over the noise] Jimmy Quidd's greatest stiff. 1989. JAMES WILSON: A profit-seeking entity released this? GREG HOUSE: Put it out himself. He wanted people to listen, but apparently didn't want people to enjoy listening. Now, why would someone...? JAMES WILSON: Truly a mystery. Why would anyone do something just to aggravate people? [Wilson does himself (and the viewers) a favor by turning off the record player.] GREG HOUSE: Why would _you_ have a blank liability release form, plus your checkbook, on top of your desk? [He holds them up.] JAMES WILSON: [annoyed] Probably because they were in the second drawer in a manila envelope under a book, and you put them on top of my desk. GREG HOUSE: You usually keep your checkbook at home. It's your go-to excuse for why you can't lend me money. You're gonna pay the guy the six grand, aren't you? JAMES WILSON: [denying] There are other people I write checks to. I do have cable. GREG HOUSE: [supportively] There's no negligence without injury. JAMES WILSON: I handed the guy a death sentence! GREG HOUSE: He's not distressed with a death sentence. He's distressed with a life sentence. JAMES WILSON: I gave him three months of misery! GREG HOUSE: You gave him three months of being someone special. You're paying the guy because he used to be boring, and without you he's gonna be boring again. [The door opens. Taub and "Thirteen" enter, sheepish expressions on their faces.] "THIRTEEN": Hi. GREG HOUSE: Results of the malaria test already? CHRIS TAUB: Well, no. But, uh, we were wondering if you'd sent the patient for any additional... tests. [They look at him hopefully. Wilson looks at House.] GREG HOUSE: You lost the patient. [Noncommital looks from "Thirteen" and Taub. House stands.] GREG HOUSE: Taub, you check Lost-and-Found. "Thirteen"... [He puts the record player back on, blasting the unholy tunes of Jimmy Quidd.] GREG HOUSE: Come with me. [Wilson winces at the "music", as House and the two Fellows leave.] [House's Office. Day. House and "Thirteen" walk into his office.] GREG HOUSE: Why do you love drug addicts? "THIRTEEN": I won't pigeonhole the patients, so that means I'm... GREG HOUSE: I'm perfectly capable of drawing my own conclusions. Are you capable of answering a question? [The third degree begins... yet again.] "THIRTEEN": I think there's more to him than the drugs. GREG HOUSE: Admirable. Why? "THIRTEEN": I need a reason for doing something admirable? GREG HOUSE: There's always a reason. He's a patient, you don't know him. Why do you like him? The alcoholic parent, druggie youth. There's no such thing as a saint without a past. "THIRTEEN": Or a sinner without a future. GREG HOUSE: What makes you so sure that drugs are a mask for something else? "THIRTEEN": Drugs are always a mask for something else. [A bat.] GREG HOUSE: That's the dumbest thing I've heard in my life. [She smiles and leaves. House goes to the Diagnostics Office and changes her points to 102, a small smile on his face.] [PPTH Hallway. Day. "Thirteen" rejoins Taub in their search for Quidd. They walk.] CHRIS TAUB: You really want this job? "THIRTEEN": You think you can talk me into leaving? CHRIS TAUB: You're a person who likes her privacy working for a man who needs to know everything. You're a person who cares about her patients working for a man that cares about games. ["Thirteen" stops walking, hearing something. Children's laughter is heard.] "THIRTEEN": Shh-Shh. I hear him. [Pediatrics Ward. Day. "Thirteen" and Taub enter the Pediatrics Ward and see Quidd entertaining the sick kids there. He's dressed like a superhero (in a hospital gown and a blanket for a cape).] JIMMY QUIDD: [dramatically] "Neither sleet nor hail nor dread of night. Ha!" [Taub goes to grab him, but "Thirteen" stops him.] "THIRTEEN": W-w-w-wait. Malaria's not contagious. JIMMY QUIDD: Children, I bid you... good night! And I'm off! Aah! [He leaps into the air, like he's flying off, but falls down comically with a thud. The kids have a hearty laugh. Taub and "Thirteen" smile at each other. Quidd gets up, acting angry, hands on his hips.] JIMMY QUIDD: Hey... which one of you guys sapped my powers? [The kids keep laughing.] JIMMY QUIDD: [to different kids] Was it you? Did you take my powers? Maybe it was you. Well, no matter. See, I'm feeling stronger already. [He arches back, flexing his arms. Suddenly, his eyes roll up and he collapses to the floor, unconscious. The kids laugh, blissfully unaware that he's not play-acting this time. Taub and "Thirteen" run over to attend to him.] "THIRTEEN": [to the kids] It's okay! It's okay. He's okay. [The kids understand now.] "THIRTEEN": Respiration's good, pulse is solid. CHRIS TAUB: [calling out, waving towards the kids] We need a lot of nurses in here. [PPTH Lecture Hall. Day. House sits at the piano (near the side door) and plays. The door at the back opens and Cuddy enters. She "ahems", getting his attention. He looks back at her and stops playing.] GREG HOUSE: Dr. Cuddy. That face that launched a thousand long faces. LISA CUDDY: Get control of your patient. Strap him to the bed if you have to. GREG HOUSE: I want to keep all four. LISA CUDDY: [firm] You can have two. GREG HOUSE: You don't get negotiation, do you? I say four, you say three, we finally settle on three and a half. Which would be good news for Taub. LISA CUDDY: You don't want four. You don't want three. But if I say three, you get to keep playing your game. GREG HOUSE: [softly] Who would you pick? LISA CUDDY: [genuinely surprised] Are you asking my opinion? GREG HOUSE: If you have any absolute truths, that would be even better. LISA CUDDY: [uncertainly] You never want my advice. You spend your life trying to avoid my advice. GREG HOUSE: [stands and faces her] You're a bureaucratic nightmare. You're a chronic pain in the ass. And you're a second-rate doctor at best. LISA CUDDY: [smiles] Am I blushing? GREG HOUSE: But you do... [conceding] know this stuff. [Cuddy looks at him, appreciatively.] GREG HOUSE: Can we get this over with? LISA CUDDY: Taub and Kutner. Taub will stand up to you. You won't like him, but you'll respect him. Kutner shares your philosophy of medicine. God knows I don't need two of you, but he will actually help you. [The side door opens and Kutner and "Thirteen" enter.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: It's not malaria. Bloodwork's negative. "THIRTEEN": But we did find the reason for the DIC. Bad blood fragments. If we can figure out how they got there... [The door at the back closes. House looks and sees Cuddy's gone. House wordlessly starts to walk towards the side door.] [PPTH Hallway/Quidd's Room. Day. House, followed by Kutner and "Thirteen", walk past a nurse's station towards Quidd's room.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Blood exposure during sex? "THIRTEEN": Hemolysis from the malaria meds? GREG HOUSE: Stop guessing. You'll spoil the surprise. LAWRENCE KUTNER: If you're looking to get information out of the guy, he's not exactly the "bare-your-soul" type. [Kutner and "Thirteen" stop at Quidd's room, but House walks past it and moves to the waiting area near it (the Lucas Wing). Fred and Rex sit there.] GREG HOUSE: [to Fred and Rex] Hey, I was wondering if you guys know "The Girl from Ipanema". [House grabs Rex's arm and looks at it. Rex pulls it away.] REX: What are you doing? GREG HOUSE: Nothing. What are you doing? [He grabs Fred's arm next. There are multiple track marks on the arm. House releases the arm and picks up Fred's coat off the armchair he's sitting on. Fred gets up in protest.] FRED: That's mine, man. GREG HOUSE: Oh, you're gonna be denying that in a second. [House shakes the coat vertically. A lot of spare change falls out, accompanied by a pack of cigarettes, a lighter and a syringe. He looks at Kutner and "Thirteen".] GREG HOUSE: Hmm. [to Fred and Rex] Next time make sure you bring enough for the whole class. [to "Thirteen"] He's been sharing needles with this guy. As he injected this guy's blood, his own blood attcked it, chewed it up. Those were the fragments we found. "THIRTEEN": So DIC was nothing? GREG HOUSE: We're back to bloody vomit and his two dozen other drug or non-drug symptoms. Re-check everything. Throw these guys out, and strap the patient down. [A shuffling sound and a thud are heard. Kutner reacts.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: House! [He runs into Quidd's room, where Quidd lies on the ground, gasping for air. The monitors beep constantly. "Thirteen" and House follow him.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Respiratory failure. [A nurse and "Thirteen" crouch at Quidd's side, attending to him.] GREG HOUSE: Good news for you, "Thirteen". 'Cause that is definitely not drugs. ["Thirteen" doesn't seem all that relieved though.] [Quidd's room. Day. Quidd is unconscious, wearing an oxygen mask.] GREG HOUSE: [vo] The blood clots were drug-related. [Hospital Laundry. Day. House confers with the Fellows.] GREG HOUSE: The coughing up blood and the respiratory arrests are still on the table. AMBER VOLAKIS: Inhalants... GREG HOUSE: If I'd wanted a knee-jerk drug diagnosis, I would have told Foreman where we are. AMBER VOLAKIS: He knows where we are. [Foreman steps into the room, slowly and rather dramatically, his usual scowl on his face.] GREG HOUSE: [angry at Amber] Because he followed you! ERIC FOREMAN: I followed Taub. CHRIS TAUB: [points to Amber] I followed her. "THIRTEEN": He had a bleeding problem. That could cause respiratory arrest. GREG HOUSE: If I wanted to forgive his Drano-drinking ways, I wouldn't ignore what you just said. CHRIS TAUB: Could be an infection. GREG HOUSE: [reading a test result] Nope, lumbar puncture's clear. CHRIS TAUB: Uh, what lumbar puncture? AMBER VOLAKIS: You didn't authorize that test. ["Thirteen" looks guilty.] GREG HOUSE: True, and yet, here I am with the results. LAWRENCE KUTNER: "Thirteen" thought it was bacterial meningitis. "THIRTEEN": [defensively] And I had the... Eyeball. ERIC FOREMAN: It was a harmless test. The patient's welfare still counts for something, doesn't it? GREG HOUSE: Yep. Minus fifty. ["Thirteen" looks shocked.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Chronic pulmonary embolism would explain the, uh, breathing problem and the blood coming from his lungs. [House ponders it for a second and hands "Thirteen" the result, taking the Eyeball from her. He hands it to Kutner.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: I'll run an ultrasou... AMBER VOLAKIS: [interrupts] You're not running any tests. [to House, complaining about Kutner] He knows it's not PE's. The guy's D-dimer's normal. LAWRENCE KUTNER: That doesn't always rule out... AMBER VOLAKIS: You go in to run one test, run eight more like she ["Thirteen"] did, find out which one's right. Then comes back with a brilliant guess. GREG HOUSE: [to Kutner] Is this true? LAWRENCE KUTNER: [denying] No. GREG HOUSE: 'S too bad, 'cause that would have earned you forty points for cleverness. The points go to Amber. Foreman, you run the tests. ERIC FOREMAN: [deadpan] Sure. Anything I can do to help your game. [Foreman leaves.] GREG HOUSE: [after a few seconds] He's not gonna run the tests, is he? "THIRTEEN": I don't think so. GREG HOUSE: No. [Quidd's room. Day. House runs the ultrasound test on Quidd. Quidd removes his oxygen mask to talk to House.] JIMMY QUIDD: So what's wrong with me? GREG HOUSE: You mean besides your music? JIMMY QUIDD: [rolls his eyes] Oh, well, sure, 'cause I don't play your kind of music, it's not music, right? GREG HOUSE: Yeah. I resent you because you're not Perry Como. JIMMY QUIDD: [chuckles] Look, I don't... I don't play for an audience, okay? GREG HOUSE: Well, then, that stage you stand on is an odd choice. JIMMY QUIDD: I just... I do it for me, okay? I don't do it for you. GREG HOUSE: You have three choices in this life. Be good, get good or give up. You've gone for column "D". Why? [Quidd doesn't reply. He smiles wryly and puts the oxygen mask back on.] GREG HOUSE: Simple answer is, if you don't try, you can't fail. [bat] Are you really that simple? [Quidd removes the mask again.] JIMMY QUIDD: Look, you know, some people... They like my music. Most people can't stand it. But they just sort of just shrug and ignore me. But a few, they feel like they have to tell me... what I'm screwing up. You know, what I'm wasting. Why do they care? [House looks at the monitor.] GREG HOUSE: You have some peculiar masses near your heart. JIMMY QUIDD: Peculiar how? GREG HOUSE: Well, unlike your music, they elicit some emotional response. [Quidd laughs good-naturedly at the joke.] GREG HOUSE: That's odd. JIMMY QUIDD: What? GREG HOUSE: You care if I appreciate your music, but you don't care if you live or die. [Again, Quidd doesn't say anything. He just puts the mask back on.] GREG HOUSE: Maybe the answer is that simple. [Wilson's Office. Day. Wilson sits at his desk, speaking to Mr. McKenna.] JAMES WILSON: I... can't apologize enough. To you, to your family. There may not be any technical liability here, but... [McKenna rips up Wilson's check.] JAMES WILSON: You're ripping it up because you think it would be wrong to take money from me? MR. MCKENNA: I think it would be wrong to take so little money from you. JAMES WILSON: [shocked] You're out six thousand... MR. MCKENNA: You ruined my life. JAMES WILSON: I ruined... three months. MR. MCKENNA: For the first time in my life, I was living in the present. 'Cause that's all there was. JAMES WILSON: [confused] You're suing me not for the wrong diagnosis, but for the right one? Have you spoken to a lawyer? MR. MCKENNA: You gave me happiness... and then you took it away. [He drops a sheet of paper on Wilson's desk and leaves. Wilson wonders what just happened.] [Diagnostics Office. Evening. House, Taub and Kutner go over the ultrasound results. The points tally so far:] BITCH KUTNER 13 TAUB ------------------------------------------------- 17 97 100 100 -6 87 102 80 34 52 House paces about.] CHRIS TAUB: Definitely no emboli. LAWRENCE KUTNER: It's pretty fuzzy. GREG HOUSE: Hey, for point and sht, I thought I did okay. CHRIS TAUB: It's fuzzy because he was still shaking 'cause he was coming down from the heroin. [looks around] Where is everybody else? GREG HOUSE: The clinic's been quarantined. A patient came in with avian-flu-like symptoms. And fifty extra dollars in spending money. LAWRENCE KUTNER: Can you do this echo again? [House hangs his cane on the board again.] GREG HOUSE: [angry voice] Okay, minus five for ingratitude! No "Thank you, Dr. House". No "Here's a bottle of codeine for your troubles, Dr. House". Oh, no. [Just like that, Kutner's down to 82.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: I was asking if you could do it again after giving him a sedative to keep him still. GREG HOUSE: I could. We'd definitely get the answer. But since the opiates would decrease his respiratory drive, and he already can barely breathe, minus ten for asking me to kll the patient. [And now he's 72.] CHRIS TAUB: What if it's a congenital defect? An anomalous vessel on his heart? GREG HOUSE: You know that the heart does the blood stuff, right? And the lungs do the breathing. CHRIS TAUB: If the vessel wrapped around his trachea? [House considers it. He puts the Eyeball in front of Taub.] GREG HOUSE: What do you want me to do? CHRIS TAUB: MRA. See if you can get a clear picture of that vessel. [House thinks for a second... and decreases his points to 60.] CHRIS TAUB: [stammering] What-w-wait-what-what-why? GREG HOUSE: You said the picture sucked because the patient was shaking. MRA will be worse. CHRIS TAUB: We have to get a picture. [House turns to the board and sets his points to 20. Taub squirms in frustration, racking his brain for an answer.] GREG HOUSE: You were doing better before you had a good idea. CHRIS TAUB: How can we see it if we don't take a picture? GREG HOUSE: [thinks] You can see me, right? [He starts for the door.] [PPTH, Outside Operating Room. Night. House and Taub speak to Chase, who reads Quidd's file.] GREG HOUSE: We want to look at his heart. With our eyes. ROBERT CHASE: So I kll the patient on my operating table. You get to keep testing your team and I take the heat from Cuddy. GREG HOUSE: If it goes that way, yeah, that'll be excellent. CHRIS TAUB: His respiratory status is through the floor. If there's a vessel and we don't remove it fast, best case, he's on a ventilator for life. GREG HOUSE: Granted, it'll be a short one. Who do you think I should hire? [Chase looks at Taub uneasily. Taub looks back, just as uneasy.] ROBERT CHASE: You want me to tell you in front of him? GREG HOUSE: It would be rude to ask him to leave now. CHRIS TAUB: [to Chase] If you don't do the surgery, patient will die. You'll have had nothing to do with it. And everyone will know that you had nothing to do with it. And everyone will know that it's because you were pissed off at House for fring you. ROBERT CHASE: [protesting] You know that's not why I'm saying "no"... CHRIS TAUB: [interjects] But that's how it's gonna play out. [Chase looks incredulously at Taub, who looks at him with his usual bored look.] ROBERT CHASE: [to House] Keep him and Amber. You'll get stuff done. [nods to Taub] Prep him for surgery. [Taub looks at House.] [PPTH Operating Room. Night. The surgery is underway. Quidd is on the table, his chest opened up, his beating heart exposed. Chase operates while Taub watches.] ROBERT CHASE: This isn't an anomalous vessel. Look at these lymph nodes. Way too big. [Taub leans in for a closed look.] ROBERT CHASE: There are the masses you saw. [The monitors suddenly start beeping.] CHRIS TAUB: 70 over 40. He's crashing. ROBERT CHASE: Two units of PRBCs. [The nurses scramble.] CHRIS TAUB: Starting dopamine. We're losing him! [In the Observation Deck, House watches. Foreman walks up to him.] ERIC FOREMAN: So... how's your game going? GREG HOUSE: It's not whether you win or lose. [The monitors continue to beep. Foreman looks at House.] [Diagnostics Office. Day. House paces about, while the Fellows sit at the glass table and Foreman leans sulkily against the glass wall.] GREG HOUSE: Respiratory failure. Enlarged lymph nodes. Whatever this is, he's not gonna be breathing much longer. AMBER VOLAKIS: Does Foreman being here mean the game's over? GREG HOUSE: It means the patient's life is almost over. You can call it what you want. [Not a peep from the Fellows.] GREG HOUSE: We're done, people! Come on! I need idea and I don't care who they come from. [He goes over to the whiteboard and rubs off the points.] ERIC FOREMAN: 'Course you do. This is still a game. You're still gonna reward whoever gets the right idea, punish whoever's wrong. Hire who you want, get this over with. [House thinks it over, then...] GREG HOUSE: "Thirteen", Kutner. [They look up, apprehensively.] GREG HOUSE: I'm sorry. Go home. "THIRTEEN": [stands shell-shocked] Why? GREG HOUSE: Doesn't matter. He just told me that I've gotta... LAWRENCE KUTNER: Lungs are stiff, could be ARDS. GREG HOUSE: You fluid-overloaded him. Anyone's lungs would leak after that surgery. Good-bye. "THIRTEEN": Anaphylactic shock. GREG HOUSE: No sign of bronchospasm. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [stands] What if the lymph nodes are caused by chronic stimulation of his immune system? Impurities in his drugs could have caused... "THIRTEEN": [quickly] Street drugs are laced with all kinds of things. An immune overreaction would explain everything. GREG HOUSE: Drug diagnosis. That's what you're going with? [Amber looks at "Thirteen", who nods nervously. Foreman looks at House.] GREG HOUSE: That fring thing... was all a dream. [Kutner and "Thirteen" heave a sigh of relief.] GREG HOUSE: Go find where he gets his drugs and what's in them. Put him on dimercaprol for heavy metal poisoning. [The Fellows file out. Foreman continues to scowl at House.] GREG HOUSE: [purses his lips] Competition works. [Unhappy, Foreman leaves.] [Quidd's room. Day. Amber speaks to Quidd.] AMBER VOLAKIS: So you're not gonna tell me who sells you drugs? JIMMY QUIDD: Why does it matter? AMBER VOLAKIS: You're dying. Does that matter? JIMMY QUIDD: [swallows] Not really. [exhales heavily] I'm not an adult. I never wanted to be. So if the choice... is running out the clock with a walker... and a bedpan... [He swallows again. A teardrop slides along his cheek.] AMBER VOLAKIS: [softly] You don't regret anything? JIMMY QUIDD: Well, there was a lot of drugs. A lot of drinking. Lot of fights. [swallows] I regret everything else. [Amber looks away.] JIMMY QUIDD: You hate me, don't you? AMBER VOLAKIS: [closes her eyes] Yeah. JIMMY QUIDD: I don't care. [swallows] AMBER VOLAKIS: [whispering] What's it like? JIMMY QUIDD: Means you have no regrets. [He gasps for air. She puts the oxygen mask on him. He breathes in it. His words have had an effect on Amber.] [House's Office. Day. Jimmy Quidd's ear-splitting music plays in the background, while House listens at his desk, fiddling with a stapler, trying to make sense of the noise. Wilson enters.] JAMES WILSON: Kinda sticks in your head, doesn't it? GREG HOUSE: This guy's amazing. There's not one redeeming note. JAMES WILSON: What sort of a lawyer tells his client he's got a case because he's going to live? GREG HOUSE: I've heard that not all lawyers are as ethical as the ones we see on TV. JAMES WILSON: I don't think this guy even has a law degree. GREG HOUSE: A lot of the guys on TV don't, either. JAMES WILSON: [looks accusingly at House] I think he has a medical degree. [The music is really irritating at this point. House mercifully turns it off.] GREG HOUSE: It directly affects my bottom line. You have less money to lend... JAMES WILSON: [mad] I'm trying to take responsibility! GREG HOUSE: And I'm trying to teach you that everyone is out for theirs. You might as well keep yours. JAMES WILSON: And lend it to you? You have to control everything. How come you're going around asking everyone who you should fre? GREG HOUSE: I'm asking for input! I thought you would have admired the humility. JAMES WILSON: You like games because you can control them. GREG HOUSE: [pointing at the record player] God, I'm gonna put the record back on. JAMES WILSON: You like what's interesting, never mind if it's real or good... GREG HOUSE: [stands] Wanna know why you offered that guy six grand? JAMES WILSON: Life just happens, and that scares the hell out of you! GREG HOUSE: You think you can cure pain! JAMES WILSON: [even louder] You think you can avoid pain! GREG HOUSE: You think you're responsible for every failure, every... patient's boring life, every friend's screwed-up...! JAMES WILSON: You don't want to face it any more than my patient does! Dying's easy. Living's hard! [House smiles at the remark.] GREG HOUSE: That can't possibly be as poignant as it sounded. [Kutner (in the Diagnostics Office) knocks on the glass door. He opens the door and speaks to them.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Uh, still can't find the drug source, but I don't think that's the problem. The dimercaprol isn't working. [adding] And Quidd volunteers at a home for abandoned kids. GREG HOUSE: Why are you telling me this? LAWRENCE KUTNER: Because his bass player told me. GREG HOUSE: Is it medically relevant? LAWRENCE KUTNER: I dunno. GREG HOUSE: Well, then why are you...? JAMES WILSON: [to House] Stop playing games and do your job. [House looks at Wilson, then an Kutner. He picks up his coat and cane, and starts to leave.] GREG HOUSE: [to Wilson] No. [He motions for Kutner to follow. Wilson hangs back.] [PPTH Lecture Hall. Day. House faces the Fellows, who sit at their seats. Foreman watches in the background.] GREG HOUSE: This time, I'm fring Taub and Amber. [Taub and Amber look shocked.] AMBER VOLAKIS: This is a joke, right? GREG HOUSE: It's only a joke if you come up with the answer. It's not really funny if you don't. "Thirteen" and Kutner, you're fired too. Foreman... ERIC FOREMAN: He's a druggie. I was never sure there was a disease in the first place. GREG HOUSE: So all we know is that he's dying. [to the Fellows] Who wants to tell the patient? [Morose looks from the Fellows.] GREG HOUSE: Fine. We'll get some kid to go talk to him. It's the only people he gets along with anyway. [He starts to walk out the side door.] AMBER VOLAKIS: [apprehensively] Are we still fired? [House stops and turns to Kutner.] GREG HOUSE: He works with abandoned kids? LAWRENCE KUTNER: [pettily] Is it medically relevant? GREG HOUSE: [epiphany-time] I think so. [Cuddy's Office. Evening. Cuddy sits at her desk, doing paperwork. The door opens and House enters, followed by the Fellows.] GREG HOUSE: I need a brain biopsy. [Cuddy gives him a quizzical look.] GREG HOUSE: [clarifying] For the patient. [He raises his "bitchin' cane" to stop the Fellows from going out of line.] GREG HOUSE: Stop it. [to Taub and "Thirteen"] You two switch. [He makes them stand in a line in this order: Amber, "Thirteen", Taub and Kutner.] LISA CUDDY: You want to drill into a skull of a patient who almost died on the operating table yesterday? [House nods enthusiastically. Cuddy shakes her head just as enthusiastically.] LISA CUDDY: [re: the Fellows] Why are they here? GREG HOUSE: Because I wouldn't have gotten the answer without each of them. LISA CUDDY: You could have just told me. GREG HOUSE: I want you to feel guilty. [points at Amber] She thinks the patient's a loser. ["Thirteen"] She thinks the patient's a winner. Just a regular guy with a regular problem. [Taub] He thinks he's gonna be great once he's all growed up. [Kutner] And he thinks... what did you think? LAWRENCE KUTNER: Autoimmune. GREG HOUSE: Right. Less interesting, but just as important. AMBER VOLAKIS: We can't all be right. GREG HOUSE: You're all wrong. My mom always said that two wrongs don't make a right. She never said anything about four wrongs. I always found that suspicious. [points his cane at "Thirteen"] Plain old measles. [points at Taub and Kutner] Constant exposure from hanging out with Oliver Twist and his lot. LISA CUDDY: I assume he's been vaccinated. GREG HOUSE: [points to Amber] Patient's immune system was shredded with years of drugs. They're early markers of rash and fever. Would have been lost in a druggie. His immune system overreacted. That's why his body went haywire. LISA CUDDY: That's clever. [The Fellows look at her nervously.] LISA CUDDY: You're not doing a biopsy without neurological symptoms. GREG HOUSE: If I'm right, the virus is in his brain. Wrong course of treatment could be his last course. LISA CUDDY: [slowly and firmly] I need a neurological... AMBER VOLAKIS: [cuts in] He kept swallowing. Could be neurological. Could be a complex partial seizure. GREG HOUSE: What did it look like? [She mimics Quidd's swallowing (though she puts her tongue out).] GREG HOUSE: [to Cuddy, mock-urgently] Good... god, woman. How much more proof do you need? LISA CUDDY: If you can induce a seizure, you can have your biopsy. [She sits back in her chair. Disgruntled, House turns.] GREG HOUSE: Hu-up! [The Fellows about-face and follow him.] [Procedure room. Night. Kutner prepares to induce Quidd's seizure. He brings down a surgical light towards Quidd's face. Quidd slaps Kutner's hand off his head. Quidd has a ventilator in his mouth.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: We're gonna use flashing lights. Noxious stimulation, it'll irritate your brain. If there's damage to your neurons, it'll trigger a seizure that we can... [He trails off, as House enters, dragging a massive speaker.] GREG HOUSE: I got something much more noxious. [Quidd looks up, curiously. House sets up the speaker, with the record player on it.] GREG HOUSE: It's not as commonly used, but sound can be just as big an irritant. [He plugs it in and plays it. Quidd's own wince-inducing music starts. Quidd listens.] GREG HOUSE: [loudly over the cacophony] Now remind me of your influences here. 'Cause I'm gonna say, Thelonious Monk and the sound a trash compactor makes when you crawl inside it. [Quidd, unable to protest to the criticism through the ventilator, mumbles something.] GREG HOUSE: I don't do it for you. I do it for me. [Quidd listens a while. Suddenly, his head jerks back and he starts seizing. House watches calmly as Quidd convulses. Kutner covers his ears.] GREG HOUSE: [to Kutner] What do you think? Is he seizing or dancing? LAWRENCE KUTNER: [just as calm] Seizing. GREG HOUSE: Play him the "B" side. It's even worse. Schedule an OR for the biopsy. See you in the lecture hall. [He leaves. The music continues.] [PPTH Lecture Hall. Night. The Fellows wait anxiously in their seats. The door opens and House enters, carrying a record. He opens the lid of the record player. Removing the record's cover, he blows the dust off it, almost reverently. Slowly, he puts it on the turntable and places the arm gently on top of it. A much nicer, less loud, guitar solo plays.] GREG HOUSE: A little mood music. Build the suspense. LAWRENCE KUTNER: Sounds more folky. GREG HOUSE: You seriously have no idea when to shut up, do you? [Kutner shuts up... for now.] GREG HOUSE: Amber, please stand. [Amber stands nervously.] AMBER VOLAKIS: You didn't call me "bitch". Is that bad? GREG HOUSE: You play the game better than anybody else here. [Amber smiles.] GREG HOUSE: But for the wrong reasons. AMBER VOLAKIS: Reasons don't matter. Results are the only thing... GREG HOUSE: You were wrong. [bat] Twenty years ago, [points to the record player] this was recorded by Jim Moskowitz. Who later became known as Jimmy Quidd. Loves kids, apparently has a heart, perhaps even a soul. If you're gonna work for me, you have to be willing to be wrong, willing to lose. 'Cause you just did. [somberly] You're fired. [Amber doesn't protest. She nods tearfully. The other look at her sympathetically. She sits heavily back down.] GREG HOUSE: "Thirteen", please stand. ["Thirteen" stands, calmly.] GREG HOUSE: You're fired. [She seems stunned.] "THIRTEEN": You just said I was right about... GREG HOUSE: He was a drug addict. [b*at] Four applicants, two spots. If I had three, I'd keep you. ["Thirteen" doesn't say anything. Kutner and Taub look at her sadly, while Amber sobs silently.] GREG HOUSE: Game over! [He walks out. "Thirteen" sits down, bemused.] [Aerial view of PPTH. Night.] [Quidd's Room. Night. Quidd (a bandage wrapped around his head) stirs awake and exhales. Amber stands there, in street clothes, looking outside, sadly. She turns to him.] AMBER VOLAKIS: [sullenly] You're gonna have to grow old after all. You've got measles. We're blasting you with corticosteroids. JIMMY QUIDD: What's wrong with you? AMBER VOLAKIS: I got fired. JIMMY QUIDD: W-what are you doing here? AMBER VOLAKIS: Trying not to care. [He drops his head on the pillow.] JIMMY QUIDD: Yeah. Yeah, that's not easy. [Amber lets out a wry chuckle.] [PPTH Lecture Hall. Night. House sits alone on the desk. Cuddy enters from the door at the back.] LISA CUDDY: What the hell did you do? GREG HOUSE: [shrugs innocently] You told me to hire Kutner and Taub. LISA CUDDY: Because I knew you wouldn't. GREG HOUSE: Oops. LISA CUDDY: I can't let you hire two men. GREG HOUSE: Now that is sexist. LISA CUDDY: You've already got Foreman. GREG HOUSE: Is he a dude? LISA CUDDY: [conceding] Hire a woman too. GREG HOUSE: Hire two women. LISA CUDDY: You can have the one that gives a crap about people. GREG HOUSE: [seriously] They both do. LISA CUDDY: Right. Hire "Thirteen". [House nods obediently. Cuddy starts to walk off. An evil smile forms on House's face. Cuddy stops midway to the door, suddenly understanding.] [CUE MUSIC: "Spirit in the Sky" by Norman Greenbaum.] LISA CUDDY: This was your plan all along. [She turns to him. House keeps smiling. Cuddy chuckles at being had.] LISA CUDDY: Well, at least the games are over. GREG HOUSE: [sideways] How long have you known me? [Cuddy smiles knowingly. She leaves. House gets off the desk and goes towards the door. He takes a (maybe) last look at the lecture hall, then turns off the lights and leaves.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x09 - Games"}	foreverdreaming
[Pan over the Christmas-theme decorated ceiling of a rock climbing center. Zoom in on a girl who’s climbing, belayed by her mother on the ground.] MAGGIE: You ok? JANE: I’m thinking. MAGGIE: Thinking’s not going to get you to the top. JANE: [out of breath] Mom, you’re supposed to be encouraging me. MAGGIE: No, I’m supposed to be coaching you. The slower you go, the more tired you’re going to get. [Jane cringes and then reaches for another rock, successfully grabbing on and continuing upwards. Maggie smiles proudly.] MAGGIE: There’s a hold about a foot above you on the left. JANE: I know. [pauses and then leaps for it] MAGGIE: Nice grab! Keep going! You’re almost there, babe. JANE: [struggling to find a foothold] I can’t. My calf’s cramping. MAGGIE: You need to get off your toes. Get on the ball of your foot. JANE: I can’t… MAGGIE: [nods] Yes, you can. You can get all the way to the top. [Jane cringes, her leg still obviously cramping. She tries to reach for another rock and slips altogether, only suspended by the belay rope now.] MAGGIE: It’s ok, I got you. You alright? JANE: Looks like you were wrong. MAGGIE: [laughs lightly] Yeah, but you did awesome. That’s the highest you’ve gotten, I’m proud of you. JANE: I don’t feel so good… MAGGIE: Ok, come on down. [The rope starts sliding and Jane starts coming down. But we see that Maggie is staring at her hand and the rope, worried expression on her face.] JANE: [looks down] Mom, you ok? [Inside Maggie’s hand and arm, electrical impulses zap their way up and down the tendons.] MAGGIE: Oh god… [losing control of her hands] [The rope is unleashed completely and Jane falls from the top of the rock, screaming until she hits the padded ground. Another climbing coach rushes over to see her wincing and clutching at her arm.] JANE: My arm… I think I broke it. COACH: Don’t move. MAGGIE: [kneels next to her] Oh Jane, I’m so sorry… JANE: What happened? Did the rope break? MAGGIE: [almost panicking] No… My hands… [stares at her own hands] I can’t move them… [Diagnostic’s office. There is a snowglobe and a few candy canes on the table, sparkly festive streamers are also hanging on the walls.] TAUB: [making a cup of tea] She’s been to an ortho, two neuro’s, and an immunologist. None of the treatments have had any effect. KUTNER: [licking at a candy cane] You think it’s over? THIRTEEN: [studying the patient’s chart] It’s getting worse. Last neurologist found intermit numbness in both arms as well as the hand paralysis. KUTNER: I meant the game. You think he’s gonna keep all four of us? FOREMAN: Said he would. No sign of upper motor neuron involvement. [We see House entering quietly behind Kutner.] KUTNER: He lies. HOUSE: [slightly amused tone] My ears are burning. [Kutner freezes, eyes widening over his drink before he turns around to stare at House.] FOREMAN: Tell him you’re done fring people. HOUSE: Well if I lie, that would be little reassurance. [glances up and starts tearing down the streamers with his cane.] Dr. Kutner, who told you that it would be a good idea to put up superficial representations of a hypocritical season celebrating a mythical figure? KUTNER: [frowning] Wasn’t me. HOUSE: He lied. [tosses a Santa plushie into the trashcan] Homie knows better, Hymie doesn’t care, and Huntington’s would have done a better job. THIRTEEN: [looks up at House] I don’t have Huntington’s. HOUSE: That you know of. FOREMAN: Why would you… HOUSE: [cuts Foreman off and trashes more streamers] Because I got sued when I called you “honeybuns”. KUTNER: [frustratedly] Am I fired if I put up- THIRTEEN: [cuts Kutner off] The point of the game was to scare us. Telling us it’s over isn’t scary, therefore he has no reason to say that unless it’s true. [leveling House with a challenging gaze, House smiles at her and nods] KUTNER: [perks up] Good. Then can we do a Secret Santa? [Foreman looks at him likes he’s an idiot] HOUSE: I liked you fifteen seconds ago when you were afraid for your job. [more tearing down of streamers by the coffee bar] So who’s sick? TAUB: Fourty-five year old single mom. It’s an odd presentation of paralysis. Any history of drug use? THIRTEEN: No. HOUSE: She says there’s no history. THIRTEEN: She’s not a liar. HOUSE: Ok, this is gonna be a tough case. I have almost no knowledge of alien physiology. THIRTEEN: Everyone lies but there’s an exception to every rule. HOUSE: Actually there isn’t. That’s kinda what makes it a rule. THIRTEEN: The patient’s mother died of breast cancer when she was seven and she never even knew her mom was sick. She promised herself she would never hide anything from her own daughter. HOUSE: [patronizingly] Oh… I didn’t know she’d promised. [Thirteen isn’t amused] TAUB: And we’re not her daughter. Patient inherited the BRCA1 mutation from her mom, she got a prophylactic double mastectomy ten years ago. HOUSE: She lied about it. THIRTEEN: She told her co-worker, she told her kid. HOUSE: She lied to the world. Reconstructive surgery is designed to convince people that- TAUB: She didn’t get reconstructive surgery. [House looks at him, suddenly intrigued.] KUTNER: Ok, we can rule out breast cancer. TAUB: Actually, I was going to rule it in. Paralysis could be paraneoplastic. Even the best surgeon can’t remove every cell of breast tissue. [Foreman seems convinced and looks to House, who’s drinking from his usual red cup and thinking.] HOUSE: MRI what’s left of her chest. Set the machine to scan for irony. [sets his cup down, pausing] I’m going to go redo the patient history. [Kutner looks confused, Thirteen doesn’t act surprised but she’s still annoyed.] [Maggie’s room. House and Jane are sitting side by side on some chairs, both sucking on a lollipop.] HOUSE: You mom tell you about all the drugs she does? JANE: [shrugs] She smokes pot once in a while, but not in a long time. HOUSE: What about you? JANE: How would that make her sick? HOUSE: [sarcastically] Are you a doctor? JANE: I’m eleven… HOUSE: That’s not an answer. It’s an evasion. [looks at his lollipop for a second] Are you drinking? You ever sneak a drink? JANE: I don’t do any of that stuff. It’s bad for you. HOUSE: I understand why you don’t want your mom to know, but I’m her doctor so- JANE: And I would tell my mom. And I would tell you. HOUSE: Why? JANE: Because she would never lie to me. HOUSE: [won’t give up yet] What’s her favorite way to have sex? JANE: [frowns] I don’t get what sex has to do with breast cancer. HOUSE: [rolls his eyes] Are you a doctor? Did you go to med school since the last time I asked? JANE: You just think we gotta be lying- HOUSE: [cuts her off] White lies? JANE: What are those? HOUSE: Those are lies we tell to make other people feel better. JANE: I don’t lie. HOUSE: Rationalizations? JANE: What are those? HOUSE: Those are lies we tell to make ourselves feel better. JANE: No, we don’t- HOUSE: [cuts her off again] Lies of omission? [Jane looks unsure] Saddlebronc or doggie? That’s sex talk. JANE: [a moment’s contemplation] She used to like being on top, but now she likes to be on her stomach. That way she doesn’t have to see them looking at her scars. [House stares at her for a while, seemingly understanding and drops the topic.] [Hospital cafeteria. Wilson is standing next to House as they wait in line, looking at an MRI scan.] HOUSE: It’s child abuse. WILSON: Honesty? HOUSE: There’s a reason that everybody lies. It works. It what allows society to function, it’s what separates man from beast. WILSON: Oh, I thought that was our thumbs. HOUSE: You wanna know every place your mom’s thumb has been? WILSON: I’m sorry I missed rehearsal. Am I taking the “truth is good” side? Don’t you usually take that side? HOUSE: Lies are a tool, they can be used either for good… No wait, I got a better one. Lies are like children. Hard work, but they’re worth it. Because the future depends on them. WILSON: You are so full of love… or something. [gestures for House to pay up] When you care about someone- HOUSE: [interrupts] You lie to them! You pretend that their constant ponderous musing are interesting. You tell them they’re not losing their boyish good looks or becoming worn out. WILSON: I stand corrected and may I say, it’s been a real pleasure chatting with you. [directs House’s attention back to the scan] Sila’s clean, surgical margins looks clear. No lymphadenopathy, no masses, no nothing. It’s not cancer. [Hospital hallway. Thirteen and Kutner are walking behind him.] HOUSE: We need a new theory. THIRTEEN: Did you catch her lying? HOUSE: Not yet. THIRTEEN: “Wouldn’t know” would have been a shorter answer. HOUSE: Wouldn’t you not talking have made this a shorter conversation? Kid says mom’s a slut. KUTNER: [incredulous] She called her mom a slut? HOUSE: No, I called her mom a slut. Jumps anything will a pole and a pulse. Not that I’m judging here. Given her medical history, I’m actually impressed. THIRTEEN: Maggie already admitted to having multiple sexual partners. Which is why we already tested for, and ruled out, syphilis and any other STDs that could have caused her symptoms. [They arrive just outside the door to House’s office and he turns around to appraise them.] HOUSE: STDs aren’t the only risk in risky sex. Problem in sleeping with strangers is… they’re strange. KUTNER: We’ll follow up with any recent partners. HOUSE: Send Foreman and Taub. They’re better liars, more likely to get to the truth. [House enters his office. Thirteen and Kutner sigh, then exit to presumably find the others.] [Foreman and Taub are in an unknown man’s flat, sitting on low linen-covered chairs, shoeless feet resting on wood floors. Foreman stares at the man, someone Maggie has slept with, while Taub sips his coffee.] ROGER: You think I drugged her? [glances at Taub, who is about to set his coffee onto the arm of his chair] Use a coaster. [Taub picks his drink back up, obviously thinking that the guy has an issue with interior cleanliness that borders on neuroticism.] FOREMAN: We’re not cops. Legally, we don’t care one way or another. TAUB: But we need to know the truth so we can help her. ROGER: I’d known her for less than an hour and she offered to take me home. There was no need to drug her. [Foreman and Taub look at each other.] ROGER: [chuckles nervously] Not that I would. [Foreman and Taub stand up, presumably to leave.] ROGER: But she’s gonna be ok, right? TAUB: As long as she doesn’t have to pick up or hold anything. [nodding] ROGER: [sighs then points to their shoeless feet] Uh, sorry. I just had the floors done. Reclaimed pine. [They watch as Roger takes a long gulp out of a giant water bottle. Foreman looks at Taub knowingly.] TAUB: You always this thirsty? ROGER: I don’t know… Water’s supposed to be good for you, right? TAUB: [looks at Foreman] Dehydration, anxiety, aggression… ROGER: I’m not aggressive. FOREMAN: Spastic chorea in his right hand. ROGER: [glances at his hand and shakes it uncertainly] What about my hand? FOREMAN: How much do you weight? About 180, 190? ROGER: [starting to panic now] 180. What is- FOREMAN: [interrupts] You took what she did, it could take longer to ht you. Might affect you differently. TAUB: But you didn’t give her anything. Right? ROGER: [hesitates for a moment, smiling nervously] She was really drunk… I just gave her some E, to help enhance things. [Taub and Foreman look at each other, smiling lightly in victory.] FOREMAN: Have any of it left? ROGER: [goes to retrieve the pills from a drawer] Is my hand gonna be ok? TAUB: There’s nothing wrong with it. [smug] We lied. [Clinc room. House is diagnosing an attractive blonde woman in a low cut shirt.] MELANIE: I’ve had a sore throat for a few days now. My stomach’s also been bothering me. I think my glands are swollen. HOUSE: [feels her glands under her throat but then is distracted by the necklace she’s wearing] Saint Nicholas? MELANIE: [smiles] Patron saint of children. HOUSE: Also seamen, merchants, archers, prosttute, and prisoners. MELANIE: Hmm… Must have been pretty hardworking. HOUSE: [shrugs] Or just a credit hog. [Melanie laughs lightly] HOUSE: Open wide. [shines a flashlight into her mouth] Say “aah”. [Melanie says “aah” and House clicks the flashlight off, turning to his paperwork.] You have strep. MELANIE: Is it contagious? HOUSE: Only for the next 24 hours as long as you take the antibiotics. MELANIE: [worriedly] How contagious? HOUSE: Take a personal day. MELANIE: I can’t! HOUSE: [looks at her with a mock serious expression] I’ll write your pimp a note. MELANIE: My pimp? HOUSE: You’re tested for AIDS every three months and… your necklace. MELANIE: [amused] prosttute wear religious symbols? HOUSE: I think they just like kneeling. [smiles] You don’t have the skin of a seaman, the fingers of an archer, the clothes of a merchant, or the attitude of an ex-con. So, just leaves one left. MELANIE: Mmm… Two actually. [gives him a flirtatious smile] But I’m not a child, am I? [House gives her a conceding smile and hands her the prescription, then grabs his cane and exits. Cuddy meets up with him at the nurse’s station.] CUDDY: You owe me 50 bucks. HOUSE: Then you owe me half a lapdance. CUDDY: It’s for the nurses’ holiday bonus. I know you got the memo. HOUSE: Got the memo last year. I want to hire forty more fellows. CUDDY: You already fired the ones you hired? HOUSE: They work better when they’re scared. [Cuddy looks half confused until Taub walks in.] TAUB: You were right. Guy slipped her Ecstasy. [Cuddy looks up, obviously surprised.] HOUSE: He have any symptoms? TAUB: No. Kutner’s starting the patient on hemodialysis and Thirteen’s in the lab trying to figure out what the guy put in the drugs. [leaves the clinic] [Cuddy blinks, still confused. House gestures to Taub to make his point.] HOUSE: See? Clear, simple statement of facts describing their cooperation, with absolutely no attitude or fear. [reaches to grab another patient’s file] CUDDY: Something’s gotta be done. HOUSE: Oh yeah. [Maggie’s room. Kutner has just finished setting her up on hemodialysis and checking her over.] KUTNER: How are you feeling? MAGGIE: I still can’t move my hands. KUTNER: It will take a few more hours to cycle all your blood through the machine. [Maggie looks up from her hands, blinking and looking confused.] MAGGIE: What just happened? KUTNER: [turns and looks around] Nothing. What’s wrong? MAGGIE: What do you mean? The lights just went out. Didn’t they? [Kutner sets down the file, unsure. Jane moves to her mom’s bedside.] JANE: What did you do? MAGGIE: Is this from the drugs? KUTNER: [shines a flashlight over her eyes, no response] Most of the drugs should be out of your system by now and our drugs- MAGGIE: I can’t see… JANE: [scared] Do something! MAGGIE: I can’t see! I can’t see! [Diagnostic’s office. House is writing things down on little slips of yellow paper when the duckies enter.] THIRTEEN: Nothing in the Ecstasy except Ecstasy. HOUSE: Well that never hurt anybody. FOREMAN: Can’t make them blind days later. HOUSE: [looks at one of the slips of paper in his hands, frowning] Do you spell “homie” with a Y? [Kutner glances up, intrigued, but House folds the paper up without letting them see what’s written.] HOUSE: I want to be respectful. KUTNER: You’re actually going to let us do Secret Santa? HOUSE: Not just you guys. [turns around to grab a Christmas socking and puts the slips of paper inside, shaking it up to mix them] I like presents too. [offers the stocking up to Taub] Pick a name. TAUB: [looks suspicious] Why are you doing this? HOUSE: See, this is why no one likes your people. [Taub almost looks offended.] HOUSE: The notion of picking one time of the year to be decent to other people is obscene, because it’s actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year. FOREMAN: So you think this is the part of the year they screwed up? HOUSE: On the other hand, you are now a team. Gotta work together and the simple fact is, giving people crap makes people like people so spend 25 bucks. Learn to love… [Taub seems unimpressed but indulges him anyways and goes to pick a name out of the stocking.] THIRTEEN: Blindness could be a complication from the hemodialysis. [House offers the stocking to Kutner next.] KUTNER: No, the dialysate composition was within range. [looks at the name on his slip of paper, giving a nod and smiling to himself] Sweet. HOUSE: Interesting. THIRTEEN: The dialysate composition just indicates- HOUSE: [cuts her off] Indicates nothing. I was referring to his reaction to the name he got. KUTNER: I was pleased. I thought it’d be fun to buy for- HOUSE: Means… there’s someone here who wouldn’t be fun to buy for. [purposeful pause as he stares at Kutner] I wonder who. [offers up the stocking to Thirteen next] Pick a name, then go check out the patient’s house. [Thirteen looks at her name and doesn’t seem to pleased with it. She shoves it into the pocket of her labcoat instead.] HOUSE: [smiles slowly] Interesting… [Thirteen looks at him and they lock eyes for a moment as House seems to be calculating something in his mind.] FOREMAN: We’re wasting time going to the home. Kearns-Sayer syndrome fits the symptoms. [takes a name from the stocking and tucks it into his jacket’s inner pocket without even looking.] HOUSE: No family history of Kearns. Go to their house- THIRTEEN: [interrupts] They would have told us if there were any other drugs. You met her, she couldn’t have been more candid. HOUSE: You’re absolutely right. Go to their house- TAUB: [cuts him off again] MS or a vascular problem fits better. They could affect hands and eyes. HOUSE: Fine. Do an MRI, check for MS. And a fluorescein angiogram of her eyes to see if we missed a bleed somewhere. [The group gets up, ready to leave.] HOUSE: Oh! And whoever goes to their house… get me their computers. [The duckies are obviously frustrated that he won’t drop the subject.] HOUSE: You talk to your kid about sex so she’ll think you’re being open about everything. Keeps her from asking questions about the things you don’t want to talk about. [goes to grab the last name from the stocking for himself] THIRTEEN: That’s right. Her honesty proves just how dishonest she is. HOUSE: [looks at the slip of paper] Yes! Exactly who I wanted. This is going to be fun. [The duckies leave and House simply smiles, turning to throw the stocking to the side.] [Lab room. Taub and Foreman are about to perform the fluorescein angiogram on Maggie.] TAUB: The dye may sting when it enters your bloodstream, JANE: Are you scared, mom? MAGGIE: [turns in the direction of her daughter’s voice] Yeah. Are you? JANE: [nods] Yeah. MAGGIE: Are they? JANE: [looks at Foreman and Taub] They don’t look scared. MAGGIE: Either they’re confident or they just don’t care. [laughs hesitantly] FOREMAN: We’re confident. TAUB: Okay if I shift you a bit? Get you into position. [Taub settles her head on the chinrest of the machine and then moves to sit on the other side, pressing a few buttons to get it up and running.] JANE: Your boss is weird. TAUB: Yeah, he is. He thought he’d get information you may not have been telling us by… MAGGIE: Being a jerk? TAUB: You’d be surprised how often it works. FOREMAN: Choroidal flush looks good. JANE: Why would people lie to a doctor? FOREMAN: Dozens of reasons to lie, only one reason to tell the truth. TAUB: You’re never even tempted? [glancing to Maggie] I mean, lies do sometimes smooth things out, make life easier. MAGGIE: Yeah? Your life easy? FOREMAN: Not even close. Dye’s reached the retinal capillary bed. No leakage. [There’s a moment of silence as Taub and Foreman glance at each other, unsure.] JANE: That’s… good, right? TAUB: Means it’s not a vascular problem. MAGGIE: But? FOREMAN: Vascular problem, we could fix. [Jane watches as Foreman and Taub look at each other again, both afraid to say anything else.] JANE: They look worried now, mom. [Employee’s lounge. House is playing foosball by himself when Wilson enters.] WILSON: What’s with the Secret Santa? You trying to bring them together? HOUSE: I want to drive them apart. WILSON: With gift giving? HOUSE: Conflict’s built right into the name. Santa’s about sharing, secret’s about withholding. [scores a goal and continues on playing by himself] WILSON: Aside from the Trojan horse, gifts don’t usually- HOUSE: [interrupts] What did you get your wife for your final anniversary? WILSON: [thinks about it for a second] Uh… a sweater. HOUSE: She hated it. WILSON: She loved it. HOUSE: Then you didn’t buy it. [scores another goal, for the other team] WILSON: I… gave her some cash and… HOUSE: [stops and turns to look at Wilson, obviously not impressed] Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person and nothing pisses off a person more than being shoved in the wrong pigeon hole. [House scores another goal on himself and Wilson is pretty much speechless.] [Hospital main entrance. Kutner and Thirteen are returning from presumably searching Maggie’s home, as Thirteen is holding two laptops under her arm.] KUTNER: I’m thinking of spending a few extra bucks on my Secret Santa. THIRTEEN: Bad idea. You mind if I tell House you asked them for the key instead of breaking in? [They walk further into the hospital, amusingly carrying two conversation at the same time.] KUTNER: Yes, I do. Just another five bucks. THIRTEEN: Five will be ten. The key’s proof she doesn’t have anything to hide. KUTNER: The key is proof I didn’t do exactly what House told me to do. And what do you care if it’s another fifteen? THIRTEEN: I’m gonna tell him. And who are you so anxious to please? KUTNER: [scoffs and presses the elevator button as they arrive] Not you. You really think you’re going to prove people are capable of honesty using a mother and daughter you’ve known for one day? THIRTEEN: I’m not the one who’s based his entire world view on the proposition. If I’m wrong, so what? If he’s wrong… [Elevator arrives and they step in, Kutner taking the hood of his hoodie to look at her.] KUTNER: So you really have Huntington’s? THIRTEEN: Nope. KUTNER: But House said that- THIRTEEN: [cuts him off defensively] If I wanted to talk about it, why didn’t I bring it up? [Elevator door closes.] [House’s office. House is trying passwords to hack into Maggie’s computer as the duckies look on. He’s slowly getting more impatient.] TAUB: Fluorescein angiogram was clear. No leaks, no lesions, definitely not a vascular problem. HOUSE: [frowns at the computer, still having no luck] Someone get their birthdays out of the file. THIRTEEN: Have you tried leaving it blank? [She steps up and enters in a blank password for him, logging them in immediately to show a desktop wallpaper of Maggie and Jane, lovingly smiling together and posing for the camera. House looks majorly disappointed.] THIRTEEN: Tough to get into the head of someone who actually trusts people, huh? Found both computers in an office, on a desk they share. TAUB: No sign of macular degeneration or optic neuritis. Her eyes are completely normal. FOREMAN: Except she can’t see out of them. HOUSE: [rifling through files on the computer] So she says. Find anything on the MRI? FOREMAN: No sign of plaques. It’s not MS. TAUB: We haven’t found anything abnormal on any test. KUTNER: Except she can’t see or move her hands. HOUSE: [with more emphasis this time] So she says. THIRTEEN: You can’t lie about flaccid paralysis. FOREMAN: Maybe she’s not lying. [House looks up, intrigued.] FOREMAN: Her brain is. What if it’s a conversion disorder? HOUSE: [musingly] Lacks personal boundaries… Promiscuous… Inappropriate obsession with truth-telling… Certainly sounds like a psych case. KUTNER: Cool. I’ll set up a psych consult and start her on anti-depressants. [starts to leave] HOUSE: Nope. [Kutner turns back around, confused.] HOUSE: Her mind is tricking her body. We need to trick her mind. Or even better. [House grabs his cane and exits, Thirteen seems to understand something, looks slightly worried, and proceeds to follow him out.] [Hospital hallway. Thirteen follows House as he heads for Maggie’s room.] THIRTEEN: You don’t need her. HOUSE: I know. THIRTEEN: Then this serves no medical purpose. HOUSE: You have a genetic defect, you choose to ignore it. This woman has a genetic defect, chooses to butcher herself to be safe. Yet what you claim to be fascinated by, is her honesty. Interesting. THIRTEEN: You claim to want the truth, and then you screw with people who actually live by it. Pathetic. [They stop outside Maggie’s room and House turns to face her.] HOUSE: Hey, I gave you credit for interesting. [Thirteen sighs, knowing she’s lost the argument.] HOUSE: You’re protecting her because you’re jealous she did what you couldn’t. [Thirteen decides she can’t take this anymore and starts to walk off. House rolls his eyes.] HOUSE: I need you. THIRTEEN: [turns back around and shakes her head] I’m not lying to her. HOUSE: Fine, keep your mouth shut. I still need you. If it doesn’t work, you gotta hold the kid down until someone else finishes lying to mom. [Thirteen gives him a skeptical look but he merely nods.] HOUSE: That does actually serve a medical purpose. [Thirteen seems to consent and House slides the door to the room open to catch the daughter’s attention.] HOUSE: Jane. [Hospital hallway, couches across from nurse’s station. Thirteen is pretending to read a file while House talks to Jane.] JANE: I have to lie because she trusts me? HOUSE: If you show doubt, the placebo treatment won’t work. JANE: If it’s just depression, that’s good news right? HOUSE: [nods] A lot of great medications. JANE: So why can’t we just give her those? Why do we have to lie to her? HOUSE: Because we might be wrong. And those medications take a long time to work and since your mom’s condition is declining, there’s a chance the drugs won’t tell us anything until it’s too late. JANE: [still doesn’t seem convinced] My mom’s not depressed. HOUSE: Maybe she’s hiding it from you. JANE: [shakes her head] No. She wouldn’t- HOUSE: Just doing what every good mom does. Protecting her child from bad news that she can’t do anything about. JANE: My mom’s never lied to me. HOUSE: You don’t know how to lie. You don’t know how to tell when you’re being lied to. JANE: [stares at him for a moment and then drops her eyes, seemingly less unconvinced now] Maybe you’re right… HOUSE: I know… JANE: I was lying. [satisfied with her little show] I know how to lie. I just won’t do it to my mother. [House licks his lips and glances subtly up at Thirteen. She shuts the file she’s been pretending to read and moves over to look at Jane.] THIRTEEN: You like foosball? [Maggie’s room. Taub is preparing her for the placebo treatment.] TAUB: Until the treatment of your infectious parapheresis takes effect, Jane can’t come back into the room. I’ve already been inoculated. MAGGIE: Can she have it already? TAUB: Don’t worry. [hangs up the IV bag] It’s a very effective treatment, you should be feeling better in a matter of minutes. [Maggie swallows hard, making a noise of discomfort as he sticks the IV needle in.] TAUB: Don’t you think Jane deserves a few secrets? Some personal space? Room to uh… make her own mistakes? [taking her wrist to take her pulse for a moment] MAGGIE: She makes plenty of mistakes. Only difference is, I’m there to help her through them. TAUB: [shakes his head and drops her hand] But she’s gotta know you’re looking over her shoulder. It’s gotta stifle- MAGGIE: You think the world would be a better place if everybody always acted like their mom was looking over their shoulder? [Maggie lies back down and closes her eyes, obviously still in pain. Taub takes a seat nearby, glancing at his watch and then moving to pick up a magazine to read.] [Employee’s lounge. Kutner, Foreman, and Thirteen are keeping Jane busy by playing foosball with her.] JANE: I wanna go see my mom. KUTNER: She’s sleeping. Why don’t we just double the amount we can spend? FOREMAN: Nope. KUTNER: Can’t afford another twenty-five? FOREMAN: We allow people fifty, people will spend sixty. KUTNER: Ah, so you can’t afford another thirty-five. THIRTEEN: You must really like who you got... JANE: Or really dislike. [Thirteen and Foreman stop playing and look up at her, intrigued.] JANE: My mom always gives the best presents to the teachers I get along with the worst. THIRTEEN/FOREMAN: [both look skeptical] No. [Kutner looks confused too and Jane takes advantage of the opportunity to score a goal on them.] KUTNER: [at Foreman and Thirteen] How do you know “no”? THIRTEEN: I know you didn’t get House. FOREMAN: I know he didn’t get House. [They look at each other, unsure for the moment.] [Hospital hallway. House and Wilson are sitting down and eating pizza together.] WILSON: You gave them all your name? HOUSE: Mm-hmm. Figured I could sow some dissension and get a few ties and sweaters. WILSON: What happens when they find out? HOUSE: It’s Secret Santa. WILSON: [nods] What happens when they find out? HOUSE: [shrugs] They’ll argue about with that information. Ties are less important than the dissension. [Back in the employee’s lounge and the duckies are doing exactly what House predicted.] KUTNER: Well we still have to buy him something. FOREMAN: [arms crossed, obviously displeased] Not a chance! KUTNER: We weren’t supposed to discuss this. We’re not supposed to know. FOREMAN: He’s not supposed to put his name in there five times! JANE: He wants presents. It’s sad… THIRTEEN: It’s pathetic. [Jane looks lost, but Kutner shrugs.] KUTNER: [smiling lightly] I’m still buying him a present. THIRTEEN: [firmly] No. You’re not. KUTNER: [glares at her] Fine. [Maggie’s room. She seems half conscious but it making sounds in her throat as if trying to speak. Taub, who has been napping, glances up.] TAUB: What’s wrong? MAGGIE: I think it’s getting worse. Can’t breathe… [struggles to catch her breath just as the monitors start beeping] TAUB: [calls outside] I need a nurse in here! [Taub shines a flashlight into her throat to look and we see her throat being slowly constricted with inflamed nodes or something like that.] TAUB: Her lymph nodes are cutting off her airway. We gotta intubate! [The nurses rush in with a cart and Taub proceeds to intubate Maggie.] [We see Foreman and Cameron adjusting Maggie’s breathing apparatus as Jane looks on worriedly, outside the room. The scene then jumps over the House’s office where he is still reading files on the computers as the duckies look on.] FOREMAN: Swollen lymph nodes were cutting off Maggie’s airway. We shrunk them with alcohol, she’s breathing on her own now. HOUSE: [head in his hand, looking disappointed] Well, that sucks. [Taub raises his eyebrows at that answer.] HOUSE: 4300 saved emails and not a single mention of “lesbionic”, “sanchez” or “man-gina”. [Kutner perks up as he sees a small wrapped gift on House desk. Foreman isn’t amused by House’s answer.] HOUSE: Swollen lymph nodes means it wasn’t psychological. KUTNER: Who’s that from? HOUSE: [glances to the present] Santa, obviously. ‘Cause you know I worship him. [pauses and frowns] No wait, I mean Satan. I always get them confused. [continues to read through emails] What is… an alpine butterfly? And why is she learning how to do one? [Taub moves over to peer over House’s shoulder.] FOREMAN: House, we already have a full history. You don’t need to waste time- HOUSE: [interrupts] It’s just a climbing knot. TAUB: But what does she use it for? Try “bondage”. [Thirteen glares at Taub indulging House’s antics.] HOUSE: I did once. [sarcastically] And she just tied me down and whined about how hard it is to be Dean of Medicine. [Thirteen is losing patience and Foreman drops his head, attempting to hide his amusement at that.] KUTNER: Gyms aren’t exactly pristine, could be a fungal infection. Seriously, who’s it from? [nodding to the present again] FOREMAN: No fever, no elevated white count. HOUSE: [still staring at the screen, then laughs in a mocking way] That’s funny… Friend sent her a Garfield cartoon. That cat sure does love lasagna. THIRTEEN: House. [finally had enough and slams the laptop lip on top of his hand] Stop obsessing. HOUSE: [pausing for a moment] If it weren’t for my obsessions, you wouldn’t know that she has sarcoidosis. [The duckies all stare at him as he turns the laptop around to show them.] HOUSE: Eighteen months ago, she sold her Stairmaster. It was only two months old. Now either she needed the cash or climbing stairs was getting more difficult. [takes a sip out of his cup and continues to scroll through the emails to show them] Twelve months ago, she cancelled a hiking trip. Now she either just wanted to sit home and watch TV or walking was getting more difficult. She’s been suffering joint pain for the last two years. [House takes the present box and offers it up to Thirteen. She gives him a cautious look.] HOUSE: Pull my ribbon. [mockingly seductive] If you know what I mean. THIRTEEN: ACE levels are too low for sarcoidosis. [stares at him for a moment and then pulls the ribbon] HOUSE: That’s not what I meant. [proceeds to open the present] Could just be an inactive phase. KUTNER: It’s not Christmas yet. HOUSE: I remembered. I’m not a Satanist, I’m a druid. FOREMAN: No lung involvement. HOUSE: Yet. TAUB: We’ll need a bronchoalveolar lavage to confirm it. HOUSE: [makes a sad face] That’s a shame. I’m not gonna surprise her with one for Christmas. [The duckies get up to leave and House finally unwraps his present to reveal an iPhone.] HOUSE: Wow! [The duckies stop and turn back to look at him.] HOUSE: [grins] Now either that cost more than 25 bucks or I’m seriously starting to doubt Steve Jobs’ business strategies. [Thirteen rolls her eyes and Kutner looks speechless. They all leave.] HOUSE: Thanks! [Maggie is undergoing the bronchoalveolar lavage in a lab. Kutner is holding the tube down her throat while Thirteen assists.] THIRTEEN: Last round of saline, Maggie. One more big breath. We’ve gotta get the liquid to go all the way into your lungs, okay? [attaches a syringe to the scope and pushes the saline solution into the tube] Here we go. KUTNER: Gift could be from a patient. TAUB: [skeptical] Who sent it to the wrong doctor? THIRTEEN: House obviously gave the present to himself. [Hospital cafeteria. Wilson is eating and reading over a file until House walks over and hands the iPhone back to him, taking a seat himself. Wilson tries to control his anger.] HOUSE: [pleased] They’re arguing right now. WILSON: I’ve been looking for this all morning. HOUSE: Did you look in the box on my desk? Oh by the way, your mom called. Your dad’s dad. WILSON: [puts the iPhone back into his pocket and raises an eyebrow] You left the present sitting on your desk? HOUSE: Wouldn’t have been as effective sitting in my closet in my home. WILSON: They’re gonna know it’s from you. HOUSE: No, they’re gonna guess that it was from me. Might even be 90% sure that it was from me but all that means is, they’re 10% sure that one of the other guys is screwing them over. WILSON: [blinks at that overwhelming explanation and gets up to dump his plate] Have you ever considered channeling your powers to, I don’t know... bring peace to the mid-east? HOUSE: [gets up to follow him] I couldn’t do that. WILSON: But if they ever got it, you could screw it up. HOUSE: Yeah. That’s more where my powers lie. [Back in the lab where the duckies are performing the bronchoalveolar lavage.] TAUB: Gift could be from Wilson. THIRTEEN: [firmly] It’s House. KUTNER: Why do you have a problem with him speculating? THIRTEEN: Because. That’s what House wants us to do. TAUB: [moves away from the monitor] Lungs are pristine, no infiltrates or alveolar hemorrhage. KUTNER: Maggie, I’m gonna remove the scope. I need you to cough for me, okay? [Maggie nods and coughs as Kutner starts pulling the tube back out of her throat.] KUTNER: Littler harder. [She does as told, nearly choking as Kutner removes the whole tube.] KUTNER: Great. [But Maggie keeps coughing and we see that there’s blood trickling out of her right eye now.] TAUB: [cautiously] Maggie… Open your eyes. [Kutner and Thirteen turn back to look at her, both aware that something is wrong. Maggie opens her eyes and we see that the sclera has been stained with blood.] MAGGIE: Why aren’t you saying anything? [A pause as the duckies look at each other, more worried now.] MAGGIE: What’s wrong? [The clinic. Thirteen, Taub, and Kutner walk in to find House, who’s looking over charts at the nurse’s station.] TAUB: Maggie tested negative for sarcoidosis. KUTNER: But she’s bleeding into her eyes now. HOUSE: [looks genuinely concerned] Have her platelets dropped? KUTNER: Plummeted. New labs show they’re under 40. She’ll bleed out of every orifice if we don’t find the cause. TAUB: Could be spleen sequestration, tuberculosis- THIRTEEN: [interrupts] Brochet disease, TTP- KUTNER: [continues to contribute] Hemolytic uremic syndrome, sepsis, lupus- HOUSE: [frowns at them mockingly] Listing all the possible causes is only impressive if you can do it reverse alphabetically. We need to know why her platelet machine is broken. Go to the factory. Do a bone marrow aspiration. [Thirteen and Taub exit but Kutner visibly lingers, first seeming unsure until he approaches House and House looks back at him cautiously.] KUTNER: I’m your Secret Santa. [Thirteen and Taub are out of hearing range but glance back to see why Kutner isn’t coming.] HOUSE: [lowers his voice] Well you’re not supposed to tell. KUTNER: But you got a present already. Which means you have more than one Secret Santa. HOUSE: Or… somebody else wants to make me happy. KUTNER: [looks unconvinced and a little hurt but reaches into his pocket and hands House a present with a smile] Merry Christmas. [Thirteen and Taub look at each other. House accepts the present with a hint of a smile and Kutner turns to leave, mouth dropping as he sees the other two and Thirteen gives him a death glare. House grins devilishly and exits.] [Clinic examination room. The blonde woman, Melanie is back and she gives House a small wave as he enters, looking somewhat confused.] HOUSE: On one hand, you should be in bed. [shuts the door] On the other hand, I told you to rest so… I see your dilemma. MELANIE: I don’t think resting is the problem. Can strep cause this? [pulls away her scarf to reveal red bulbous little growths all along her neck. They’re on the backs of her hands too.] HOUSE: [in a singsong-y voice] Clap on. MELANIE: Trust me, first place I went. No rash on my labia. Do you need to take a look? HOUSE: [wants to say yes but then shuts his mouth] I’m saving my money for a Red Ryder BB-gn. [She gives him an amused look. He sits down in front of her and uses his cane to pull the equipment table closer.] HOUSE: Darker shade of lipstick? MELANIE: I’m not very any. HOUSE: [leans closer to inspect her lips presumably] You tell your mother what you do? [She gives him one of those looks that says “is this really relevant?”.] HOUSE: Doesn’t matter. I’m curious. MELANIE: I don’t need to break her heart just do I can feel righteous. HOUSE: [touches a finger to her lips and feels them] You do a donkey show? [a purposeful pause] I’m not curious. It matters. MELANIE: It’s a donkey or a mule… [gives him a knowing look] I can never remember. HOUSE: Wow… That is a creepy smile. [cringes lightly] I bet the donkey’s is even creepier. MELANIE: [laughs lightly] Do I have to explain? HOUSE: Nope. It’s my job. Contagious ecthyma. Any contact can cause rashes, flu symptoms, sore throat. Has there been… contact? [cringing again] [She gives him a cute little nod.] HOUSE: [starts writing her prescription] Okay. Antibiotic cream for you and a love glove for Francis. You’ll both be fine. MELANIE: [turns to grab an ad from her purse, which she hands to him] You should come see the show. I think you’d like it. [another insinuating smile] HOUSE: Sorry, I hate Westerns. [She smiles and leaves the ad with him anyways then exists with a smile. House reads the ad and smiles, understanding coming to him.] [Operation room. Chase is performing the bone marrow aspiration on a ventilated Maggie as Foreman watches.] CHASE: So they really never lie? FOREMAN: Doesn’t seem like it. Admirable. You tell Cameron everything? CHASE: Hah! No. [Chase pries open the skin with forceps and Foreman nods.] FOREMAN: You think she keeps secrets? CHASE: If I knew, they would be secrets. I hope she does. People have a right to a little privacy, even from the people they love. [Foreman hands him the drill and he starts drilling into Maggie’s bone.] FOREMAN: You buy House a present? CHASE: Why would I? FOREMAN: To screw with me. CHASE: Then I’m gonna say yes. [Foreman stares at the monitor and shakes his head. We see that there’s smoke coming up from the hole in which Chase is drilling into.] FOREMAN: No no, wait. Stop, stop. What’s that smell? [Chase stops drilling. He and Foreman both look into the hole.] FOREMAN: Her bone is smoking. CHASE: Her bones are harder than the drill? [Xray room. House and the duckies are looking over xray’s of the bones in Maggie’s body.] KUTNER: We ran a full body bone scan to find the cause of hardening in the hip. No hotspots anywhere. THIRTEEN: Tracer could have been inactive. KUTNER: So I screwed up the test? [Thirteen shrugs.] TAUB: There’s so many ways that could have happened. Maybe it was inactive, maybe it didn’t fully circulate. KUTNER: It circulated, the camera picked up- HOUSE: [interrupts them] Hey, hey. It’s Christmas! Why are you guys fighting? FOREMAN: Why do you think there are no hotspots? KUTNER: I did not screw up! The density’s consistent. FOREMAN: Just means the density was consistent, doesn’t mean it was cold. It’s possible… all she has are hotspots. It’s consistent because her entire skeleton is turning to stone. [The duckies, stunned, look to House for his opinions.] HOUSE: Good for an aspiring superhero. Fatal for a human hoping to make it to Kwanzaa. KUTNER: Well it’s gotta be from a carbonic anhydrase type 2 deficiency. HOUSE: It has free will. It doesn’t have to be anything doesn’t want to be. KUTNER: I meant, if it’s not CAII… well, none of the other causes of osteopetrosis are treatable. [House and all the duckeis ponder that depressing thought for a moment.] HOUSE: [to Kutner] You’re right, it’s gotta be. Go run her blood and hope that your sunny optimism isn’t misplaced. [The duckies exit.] [Nurse’s station in a hallway. House walks up to Wilson, who is reviewing a few files.] HOUSE: They accused Kutner of screwing up a test. Because they hate him. WILSON: You’re surprised? That’s the sort of crap that happens when you mess with people’s heads. [Wilson turns to leave and House follows.] HOUSE: Well one day he will screw up a test. If they don’t accuse him of that because they like him, someone could die. [a pause] Where are we going? WILSON: Nowhere, I just know it hurts you. [Wilson walks away and House stops, glaring at him but seemingly amused.] [Maggie’s room. Taub is talking with Maggie and Jane is in the room as well.] TAUB: CAII deficiency is a genetic disorder that scrambles proteins. [draws some blood from her] If the blood test is positive, you’ll need a bone marrow transplant. MAGGIE: “Transplant” sounds like a euphemism for “slim odds”. TAUB: Uh… Slim, but not none. [Maggie sighs.] TAUB: We’re gonna need to test Jane for a match. MAGGIE: Don’t you have donor banks? TAUB: Jane is your best bet. Procedure’s perfectly safe, there’s no risk. MAGGIE: No risk. [scoffs] TAUB: Any surgery has- MAGGIE: [cuts him off] Then don’t tell me there’s no risk. You going to tell me there’s no pain either? TAUB: The testing will hurt a little… JANE: I’ll be fine. TAUB: If she doesn’t do this and you don’t make it… she’s going to spend the rest of her life blaming herself. [Maggie stares at the ceiling, silent for a moment. Jane looks like she’s about to cry.] JANE: Mom… Please. MAGGIE: Find someone else. Let someone else take the risk. [Taub sighs silently and Maggie turns away from him and towards Jane.] [House’s office. House is playing with a watch when Taub enters.] TAUB: Donor bank turned up a 49 year old man in Cleveland who’s a five out of six HLA match. First flight out of Cleveland leaves- HOUSE: [interrupts] Why is a 49 year old Cleveland man a closer match than her daughter? TAUB: He may not be. Maggie didn’t let us test her. HOUSE: [frowns and stop playing with his watch] Why not? TAUB: Pain, danger, risk of- HOUSE: [interrupts again] Only reason to give multiple reasons is you’re searching for what the person wants to hear. [stares at nothing in particular as the wheels in his mind turn] TAUB: [looks around] House. [House glances up and Taub hands him a wrapped gift. House takes the gift just as Thirteen enters.] HOUSE: You’re wrong about sainted mommy. THIRTEEN: Don’t care. You can forget the donor bank, there’s no CAII deficiency. Best we can do is make her comfortable. [House drops his gaze, pondering for a moment until Thirteen sees the present in his hands.] THIRTEEN: Is that from Taub? HOUSE: [purposefully articulate] Yes. Yes, it is. THIRTEEN: [pulls out a gift as well and sighs, dropping it onto his desk] Merry Christmas. Who’s going to tell the patient she’s dying? HOUSE: [gaze lingers on her for a moment and then drops Taub’s present back onto his desk as well] I will. And nobody leaves here until we find out what klled her. [House exits, Taub and Thirteen follow.] [In the lab. The duckies are all running a panel of tests.] KUTNER: Whatever she has is fatal. Makes no difference if it’s disease number 58 or 907. [Foreman and Taub just look at him. Silence.] KUTNER: You guys mad at me? THIRTEEN: Nope. You had no choice. KUTNER: Of course I had a choice. You had no choice once I made my choice. THIRTEEN: And now I’m choosing not to be mad at you. KUTNER: Why? THIRTEEN: ‘Cause it will drive House nuts. [Kutner and Taub grin for a moment.] FOREMAN: [frowns] And you think that’ll make your lives better or worse? [Thirteen is speechless for a moment but then Jane walks in and they turn to look at her.] JANE: I told my mom I don’t care what she thinks. I want you to test my marrow. [Maggie’s room. House is sitting by her bedside.] MAGGIE: I can’t be dying. HOUSE: Sure you can. MAGGIE: You’re wrong. [pushing down tears] You don’t even know what I have. HOUSE: What you have, is one last Christmas with your daughter. One last chance to give her a present. [a purposeful pause] The truth. Inexpensive, highly valued, never have to stand in line to return it the day after Christmas. MAGGIE: What are you talking about? HOUSE: A mother who’s going to die doesn’t refuse a donor test because it might hurt. She refuses when she knows it won’t match. Which tends to happen when mother and daughter aren’t mother and daughter. [Maggie seems to have no response to that.] HOUSE: I could do DNA tests, if you’d rather keep lying to me. MAGGIE: [shakes her head, obviously conflicted] I never wanted kids. I love them but with my genes… I knew this woman, a drug addict. She got pregnant, didn’t want to have an abortion. But she also didn’t want her daughter to ever know who her real mother was. What she was. I promised never to tell. HOUSE: A promise to an addict is worth more than a promise to your daughter? MAGGIE: It’d be cruel to tell her. HOUSE: Right. [shrugs] She lives a lie, you get to die a hypocrite. [Jane enters with Thirteen behind her.] JANE: Mom… The doctors told me what’s happening. MAGGIE: It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart. [nods] I promise you. Doctors can be wrong. There’s still a chance I can be- JANE: [cuts her off] You really believe that? [House and Thirteen both watch their conversation intently.] MAGGIE: [trying to be strong] I do. JANE: [shakes her head] No, mom. You’re dying. Nobody can help you. It’s not going to be okay. [Jane swallows hard and Maggie exhales deeply as the truth sinks into her. House watches them for a moment longer and then gets up, leaving with Thirteen.] THIRTEEN: [in disbelief, softly] That was cold. HOUSE: Yeah. [The Intensive Care Unit labeled door closes behind them.] [House gets off the elevator and steps out into the hospital’s main lobby. Festive music is playing and the place is all decorated. Nurses and doctors are chatting together as if there is not work to be done. Everyone is happy but he merely frowns and walks up to the receptionist’s desk. Wilson approaches him, wearing a reindeer hat.] WILSON: What did you get for Christmas? HOUSE: I got a watch, a vintage LP, and a second edition Conan Doyle. If that wasn’t bad enough, my patient’s dying. [House continues heading outside and Wilson follows him.] WILSON: [sighs] Christmas deaths in a hospital, nothing more depressing. No one ever wants to go in the patient’s room, even the Candy Stripers leave them alone. [shivers from the cold] HOUSE: I saw something amazing. [Wilson looks at him, intrigued.] HOUSE: Pure truth. She told her mother that she was dying. Stripped her of all hope. WILSON: That sounds… horrible. HOUSE: It’s like watching some… bizarre astronomical event that you know you’re never going to see again. WILSON: [unconvinced] You tell people the cold hard truth all the time. You get off on it. HOUSE: Because I don’t care. She cared. She did it anyway. [frowns for a second] She did it because she cared. WILSON: [nods sarcastically] The angels of Christmas have finally given House a present he can appreciate. HOUSE: Oh, don’t ruin it. Don’t pin this on Christ, he’s got enough nails in him. [scowls at Wilson’s reindeer hat] WILSON: Patient had to die but- HOUSE: [cuts him off] Why don’t you take off that hat? WILSON: It’s Christmas! It’s a reindeer. HOUSE: It’s a moose, on a Jew. WILSON: Who cares? [He tugs on an invisible strong and one of the reindeer’s horns waves at House.] HOUSE: [sighs] Things have their place. You wouldn’t hang dreidels on a Christmas tree. WILSON: You could. Things don’t care. [House thinks about that for a moment and then seems to realize something.] HOUSE: No. They don’t. [turns and goes back into the hospital] WILSON: Happy Solstice, House. [In the lab. The duckies are still working on tests when they heard House singing “God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman” and turn to stare at him.] HOUSE: [enters] To save us all from Satan’s power, when we were gone astray. Have you people no holiday spirit? Bring me the eggnog of good cheer! FOREMAN: House, if you have something to say, say it. If you don’t, give us a chance to get home before Santa. HOUSE: [stares at him] Scrooge. Give the patient rispiradone. TAUB: That’s an anti-psychotic. She’s dying, she’s not crazy. HOUSE: I am going to perform a Christmas miracle. [He turns to leave, singing again. The duckies immediately get up to follow him.] [Maggie’s room. House is feeling under her neck as the duckies look on.] MAGGIE: You said all the causes of osteopetrosis are fatal. HOUSE: Except for the one we discounted early, because it was impossible. When fetus forms, it’s just a mass of cells. [continues feeling her body, working down her shoulders] Breast tissue covers extensive portions of the body. As the fetus develops, most of this tissue recedes, remaining only in the fun places. [feeling down at her hip now] But sometimes, extra breast tissue is left behind in places where it doesn’t belong. [down to her legs now] Rispiradone does a lot of things. One is, makes breast tissue swell so we can find it more easily. MAGGIE: You’re telling me I could have breast cancer? Somewhere not in my breast? That doesn’t make sense. HOUSE: Taub’s parents have a winter condo in Florida. They’re still New Yorkers. TAUB: Actually, my parents- HOUSE: [interrupts] Don’t care. I told a parable. And now, I’m going to raise the dad… [House turns Maggie’s leg to the side and we see that there is a swollen lump behind her knee.] HOUSE: [to Thirteen] Give me that syringe. THIRTEEN: That’s gotta be a fat deposit. HOUSE: Yes, I could be wrong. If I am, she’s d*ad so shut up. [House inserts the needle into the lump and extracts a white substance. Maggie and Jane both visibly cringe.] TAUB: What’s that? HOUSE: Rispiradone also causes galacteria. [pulls the needle out] JANE: What’s that? Galactic…? HOUSE: Open your mouth. [Jane stares at him, hesitant.] HOUSE: Relax, you’ve had it before. JANE: I am not- [House squirts some of the white substance into her mouth. Kutner and Taub both flinch.] JANE: Milk? Eww! [wipes her mouth and chin, obviously disgusted] HOUSE: We’ll cut out your mom’s tumor and start her on chemo. All the rest of your symptoms should go away. [Maggie nods, relieved. Jane smiles and brushes her hand against her mother’s cheek.] MAGGIE: I love you. JANE: I know. [Thirteen smiles and watches House, who’s observing the two like he still amazed by it all.] HOUSE: Have a wonderful life. [exits] [Hospital main lobby. Slow motion, no sound, only music is playing. We see Chase, Cameron, and Foreman talking and laughing with each other. Foreman turns and sees Kutner, Taub, and Thirteen. He beckons them over and Chase raises his drink as a toast. House steps out of the elevator and crosses the lobby, seeing his four employees and two ex-employees all chatting together. They see him as well but he merely gives them a curt nod and continues on his way out in true Scrooge fashion. Outside, he is struck by a thought and he smiles.] [Regular camera speeds now but still no sound, just the holiday music. House walks down the aisle of a church and takes a seat next to a family with a little girl. The church is showing a Christmas play. From the side of the stage, a few people enter. One of which is Melanie, dressed up like the virgin Mary and sitting on top of a donkey. She spots House in the audience and gives him a coy smile as she is helped down from the donkey. He returns her smile with a devilish, knowing smile of his own.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x10 - It's a Wonderful Lie"}	foreverdreaming
[South Pole. Snow storm. A guy, Sean, is fixing one of several windmills. His job seemingly done he starts to walk away but turns back as he hears it creaking loudly. One of the propellers of the windmill breaks off and sht off towards Sean. He can't get out of the way in time and it hits him and cuts his leg open. He falls to the ground screaming as blood is shting from his leg. He manages to get out his walkie talkie.] SEAN: Doc, help, doc! [A women comes running up to him.] It stopped bleeding. It stopped bleeding. CATE: That's because your blood's freezing as it's hitting the air. [Pulls out a bandage and puts it on his leg.] Here, apply pressure on it. SEAN: I think my leg is frozen. CATE: That's the least of your problems. [Ties something around his leg.] The blade severed your femoral artery. [Manges to help him to shelter.] SEAN: Am I gonna lose my leg? CATE: Frostbite's not too bad but I gotta fix your artery now. This is gonna hurt. [Squirts some sort of liquid onto the wound. Sean screams. Pulls out a bottle of glue.] SEAN: You're gonna put that in me? CATE: Glue's the best way to repair your artery at this temperature. [Squirts some in and holds it in place.] It looks okay. [Hands Sean a roll of duct tape.] Here, tear off some pieces. I have to check your foot. [As Sean tapes his own leg up Cate pulls off his shoe and sock and squeezes his big toe.] Blood flow looks good. Your leg should be okay. SEAN: I thought I was done. CATE: Yeah, like I'd let anything happen to you. You're the only one who can fix the generators. One... two... three. [Tries to help Sean up but falls over and screams.] SEAN: Cate, Cate, are you okay? Are you okay? [Cate clutches her side, rolls over and vomits some yellow stuff.] CATE: I... I... I need help. SEAN: Who am I supposed to get? [Cut to House in Coma Guy's room, fiddling with the TV. Cuddy walks in.] CUDDY: Why do I even give you an office? New case. Psych department asked for you personally. HOUSE: Patient's a crazy person? CUDDY: You're a crazy person. Patient's a psychiatrist. HOUSE: [Still fiddling with the TV] There's something wrong with coma guy's cable. CUDDY: He seems fine with it. Your patient is an adjunct faculty member here but currently... [House whacks the side of the TV.] The budget committee voted to charge for cable in the patient rooms. HOUSE: Slippery slope. Today we withhold prn, tomorrow it's clean bandages. CUDDY: Talk to Carlson in derm, he runs the budget committee... After you look at this. [Hands him the file.] HOUSE: After you talk to Carlson, maybe I'll... CUDDY: The patient is trapped at the South Pole. [House takes the file and Cuddy leaves.] [Cut to Diagnostics office.] 13: Any possibility of evacuating her? HOUSE: Well that wouldn't be any fun. And for the next two months, winds make it impossible to fly anything in or out. 13: Could be appendicitis or a gall stone. KUTNER: Or a kidney stone. HOUSE: That wouldn't be any fun. If it's appendicitis down there, her appendix ruptures, she dies, there's nothing we can do. If it's stones, she takes pain meds, the stone passes, there's nothing we need to do. KUTNER: Could be a struvite kidney stone. FOREMAN: Most kidney stones are calcium and benign. Why would you suspect a struvite stone? KUTNER: Cause he said kidney stones were boring. TAUB: It's possible. She's on birth control. Lots of sex could lead to urinary tract infection, which could lead to an infection-laced struvite kidney stone. HOUSE: Excessive antarctic drilling. Bad for the environment and the ladies. 13: If it's a struvite stone she needs to break it up quickly before the infection shuts down her kidneys. HOUSE: This is where it gets fun. [Dumps a box of stuff on the table.] These are the supplies and medications she has available. TAUB: [Looking through the stuff.] Nothing here that could break up a kidney stone. KUTNER: What else do they have down there? HOUSE: I just said... KUTNER: I don't mean medical stuff, other stuff. Some geological equipment breaks ice and rock the same way we break kidney stones. [Everyone stares at him.] Discovery channel. I like watching them blow stuff up. HOUSE: Who doesn't? That reminds me. [Leaves.] [Cut to House following Cameron down a hallway.] HOUSE: Coma guy needs cable. Women's billiard is the only thing that's keeping him alive. CAMERON: I'm sure Carlson will be moved by HIS plight. HOUSE: Carlson won't listen to me since I ht on his wife. CAMERON: [Smiles.] You knew? [Starts reading a file.] HOUSE: God no. I thought I was hitting on his daughter. [Cameron rolls her eyes.] Look, you're on the committee. He'll listen to you. [Cameron looks surprised.] I'm an avid reader of committees with hotties message boards. CAMERON: [Walks over to a patients bed and hands the file to a nurse.] Amoxicillin, 500 milligrams IV. [Moves onto another patient and picks up the chart.] HOUSE: [Following her.] Studies conducted in major hospitals indicate that happy patients recover faster. Studies conducted in my apartment show that TV makes people happy. Premium channels have a particularly striking effect. CAMERON: Charging patients for cable is bringing in 13 grand a month. HOUSE: Until this injustice is righted, I am going to waste 13 grand a day. [Tips out a box of tongue depressors onto the floor. Cameron just looks at him.] It's 2 dollars 49 cents down. CAMERON: [Hands the chart to a nurse.] Get an EKG and a cardiac enzyme. If those check out, discharge him and tell him to get a snow blower. HOUSE: [Pulls out rubber gloves one at a time from a box and throws them on the ground.] How much is 13 grand divided by 4 cents? CAMERON: [Takes the box off him.] I am not giving you cable. You're going to have to somehow survive with the broadcast networks alone. HOUSE: I'll be fine on Tuesday's. [Cameron pulls the curtain in front of him.] [Cut to the Diagnostics office.] KUTNER: If sound waves from the flaw detector break the egg it should safely dissolve your kidney stone. [The fellows are all staring at a big TV showing Cate and Sean (who is on crutches) thanks to a web cam.] CATE: This isn't going to work. [Walks over towards the camera.] KUTNER: There's no reason it shouldn't. Sound waves are sound waves. Stones are stones. CATE: Some are bigger than others. Some are inside me. [House walks in.] HOUSE: How's it going, team MacGyver? [Sees the screen.] Oh, great. I can't get cable, but I can get the South Pole on hi-def. KUTNER: We're almost ready to start the test. HOUSE: Test? Did Ford test the Edsel? Did Coke test New Coke? Did Shakespeare test his final play, Snow Dogs? CATE: I'm guessing you're Dr House? I was wondering when you might drop by. HOUSE: Can she see me? CATE: Oh yeah. HOUSE: Think Jagger shows up for the sound check? [Cate walks away from the camera.] Okay. Roadies, off the stage. Go help Cameron in the ER. TAUB: Why? No way you're just doing her a favour. HOUSE: ER is standing room only. Which means Cameron's bound to make a mistake. Find it so I can blackmail her. As far as you know, this is way more than just some silly battle over cable. [New fellows leave, Foreman sits down.] CATE: Ready. [Cate starts the test which is an egg in a jar of water. They watch as the egg cracks open. Then the jar explodes.] HOUSE: You, you might want to just, dial it down a smidge. CATE: I am not doing this. [Sits down in front of the camera.] Your kidney stone theory hinges on me having sex, but I... HOUSE: Let me guess. You're as pure as the driven snow. CATE: Only if the snow likes to be on top. But I am here doing psychological research, generally not a good idea to swap fluids with your subjects. HOUSE: Struvite stones are possible in people who don't have sex. They're certainly possible in people who claim not to have... CATE: I've had no UTI's. No pain on urination. HOUSE: You do realise that only one of us is a real doctor? CATE: You do realise that only one of us has any control over my actions? FOREMAN: Dr. Milton, are you able to run a chem 7? CATE: Yes. FOREMAN: That'll tell us if her kidney function's declining. If it is, he's right. Struvite stone's most likely explanation. If not, she's right. [Foreman looks at House who just stares at him.] Sorry, I know how you like to avoid avoiding confrontation. HOUSE: While we're waiting for that test to prove me right, start IV Cefuroxime. Keep the infection in the stone from wiping out your kidneys. CATE: I'll send the chem 7 results when I'm done. [Turns off the camera.] HOUSE: She's a great psychiatrist. One session, I've got shrinkage. [Cut to new fellows talking to Cameron in ER] 13: House wants us to spy on you, report back. CAMERON: And you're telling me this because... KUTNER: We don't want to do it. CAMERON: I don't see a problem so far. TAUB: If our choice is between pissing House off or pissing you off, that's not much of a choice. CAMERON: So unless I give House cable, you're going to make my life miserable. 13: Yes. CAMERON: And you're telling me this so you won't feel as guilty when you do it. TAUB: Yes. CAMERON: Accommodating House's every whim is not my job anymore. TAUB: But it is ours. KUTNER: House will get what he wants. [Cameron laughs and walks away.] TAUB: Maybe we should just pay for it ourselves and tell him she folded. [They all start to leave] CAMERON: [Overhearing them.] No. [They stop and look back.] [Cut to Diagnostics office with House and Foreman talking to Cate on the big screen.] HOUSE: Your chem 7 results show that your kidney function is declining. Sounds like a kidney stone to me. CATE: The decreased function could be from dehydration caused by vomiting due to a gallstone. HOUSE: You agreed that the chem 7 would decide if it was a struvite stone. CATE: I agreed to do the test. The results are up for interpretation. I'll redo the test in an hour when I'm re-hydrated. [Takes a drink from a bottle using her left hand.] FOREMAN: Have you noticed any improvement since starting the cefuroxime? CATE: Not really. The pain's about the same. FOREMAN: While you're waiting, we should run another test with the geology equipment... HOUSE: You're not taking the cefuroxime. She's right handed. Means she would've put the IV in her left arm. Catheter in the arm makes it hard to bend the elbow the way people do when they drink! CATE: We have a limited supply of medication and I'm not about to waste it. HOUSE: Last I checked, you had a limited supply of doctors. CATE: Right before I got sick, one of my crew members severed his femoral artery. He needs the cefuroxime. [Starts breathing heavily.] HOUSE: Right, he called dibs. CATE: His need is definitive. Mine is speculative. HOUSE: You're breathing fast. CATE: It's because I'm pissed off! HOUSE: Lift up your chin. Show me your windpipe. [She does so, both Foreman and House move closer to the screen for a better look.] CATE: Ah! My chest hurts. FOREMAN: It's deviating to the left. HOUSE: Means her right lung is collapsing. FOREMAN: Cate Is anyone there with you? CATE: Sean went to the mess. FOREMAN: You need to call someone. HOUSE: There's no time. Get a syringe and a needle. CATE: Why am I doing... HOUSE: Shut up and look. [Cate does as she's told.] FOREMAN: She could pass out. She needs... HOUSE: She needs to re-inflate that lung. [Cate finds a needle.] Okay, now pull out that plunger. I want you to sab yourself in your right side between the second and third rib in the midclavicular line. [Cate pulls out the plunger but hesitates.] By the time we get someone else there, you'll have suffocated. Just do it. [Cate sab her chest. We see the lung expanding and hear air being released from the needle. Cate starts to breathe easier.] See all the good stuff that happens when you listen to me? CATE: Means it's not a kidney stone. [Cut to a view of Cate in a bed breathing with the help of an oxygen mask. House and Foreman are still in the diagnostics office.] HOUSE: Right side pain, vomiting, and now a lung that gets traumatised without any trauma. Sounds odd, probably is odd. FOREMAN: We should discuss this, then call her back. HOUSE: No it's fine. I made sure we got the South Pole long distance plan. Your latest kidney function test shows... CATE: I know what it shows, I ran it. HOUSE: The more you interrupt, the longer my grandstanding is going to take. FOREMAN: Since when do you let patients participate in differentials? HOUSE: Since the patient and her doctor happen to be the same person. Your kidney function is still declining, means you have a kidney problem. CATE: But not one that needed antibiotics. Makes us equally wrong. HOUSE: No, makes us both wrong. Not equally. You were at least six wronger. HOUSE: They run a PPD before you shipped out? CATE: On me and everybody else here, it's not TB. FOREMAN: Excuse us a second. [Mutes the microphone.] Cancer explains the symptoms. A tumour in her lung or kidney that threw a clot to the other organ. HOUSE: And you're worried the tumour might overhear, realise we're on to it. FOREMAN: Cancer's a hard diagnosis for patients even when they're not in the South Pole. We should figure this out, maybe bring Wilson in. [House un-mutes.] CATE: Obviously you two think I'm in bad shape. HOUSE: Only if you count the tumour. FOREMAN: House! HOUSE: Probably in your abdomen. But you don't have any advanced imaging equipment. You also don't have a surgeon to biopsy it, any stains to use on the slide, or an oncologist to analyse it. [Foreman gives him a look.] We're too far away to hold her hand. CATE: I have cancer? FOREMAN: Possibly. HOUSE: Since the only imaging equipment you have is X-ray, let's start there. X-ray your entire body. CATE: I'll upload the images when I'm done. [Turns off the camera.] HOUSE: Good for you. [We see a montage of Cate taking her own X-rays] [Cut to House and Wilson in radiology looking at the images.] HOUSE: She's annoying. Refused to take the antibiotics because other people might need them. WILSON: She said she cares about other people? What a poser. KUB is clean. You don't like her because she's a psychiatrist. HOUSE: I'm a complicated man. I loathe her for many reasons. WILSON: Never before has a profession been so decried by someone who needed it so badly. HOUSE: You talk a lot of smack about trnny hookers. WILSON: Enlarged mediastinal node. HOUSE: Lymphoma. WILSON: Probably, but we can't confirm it without a biopsy. HOUSE: You can't analyse a biopsy without a stain. WILSON: We can't biopsy. HOUSE: Cause they don't have stains down there. We need a substitute. WILSON: She can't biopsy that node without a surgical team and an OR. HOUSE: Anything with a strong colour could work as a stain. Printer ink, food colouring, coffee. WILSON: No thanks. HOUSE: Find a node closer to the surface, one she can biopsy. WILSON: That makes sense. HOUSE: That makes sense? WILSON: I said it first. HOUSE: In a shockingly calm manner, after I'd just been jerking you around for 30 seconds without you complaining or analysing said jerking. WILSON: I was being mature. HOUSE: In a lavender shirt. You for some reason are happy. WILSON: How dare you? The X-rays don't show any other abnormal nodes. HOUSE: Abnormal nodes can be felt before they can be seen on an X-ray. You're wearing that shirt for someone. WILSON: The health department. They frown on topless oncology. You're going to do a physical? HOUSE: Have to. You and Foreman are going to be here looking for a stain. [House leaves.] [Cut to House in his apartment, using a laptop to talk to Cate.] CATE: I can do the physical. There's no reason you need to watch. HOUSE: I can think of at least three reasons. One of them's medical. CATE: Where are you? Not in your office. HOUSE: You're not in the hospital. No reason for me to be. CATE: I am not undressing for you in your apartment. HOUSE: You're not in my apartment. You're three quarters of a world away. I promise not to get fresh. CATE: I'm not taking off my clothes. HOUSE: One of us has to. CATE: [Thinks about it.] Show me your place. HOUSE: It's got walls, a floor, and in some places, a roof. CATE: I am not exposing myself without some reciprocity. HOUSE: It's my apartment, it's not my soul. [Cate just sit there. Picks up the laptop and points it towards the room.] Living room. CATE: Slow down. [House moves the laptop slower, Cate notices his bookshelf.] Lots of books. I'm betting all medical. HOUSE: [Points it back towards himself.] Only if you count Jenna Jameson's autobiography as a gynaecological text. CATE: Fiction is a waste of time unless you can laugh at it. HOUSE: I love to laugh. Moving on. [Moves the laptop again showing a glimpse of the half bottle of bourbon on the coffee table.] CATE: Back up. [House stops.] How bad is the insomnia? Let me quantify that. Do you drink two or three scotches before passing out in front of the TV? HOUSE: You are so far off. It's bourbon. [Gives her a better look at the bottle. Then continues showing the apartment.] CATE: No photos anywhere. Family and friends aren't important? HOUSE: Well, you're sick. You've got 20 people down the hall and you've had exactly one visitor. CATE: I don't want to panic anyone. HOUSE: You don't like people. You hide on that ice cube so... CATE: Stop projecting. You're anti-social, so you assume I'm anti-social. HOUSE: [Rolls his eyes.] How about if I just get naked and you shut up? CATE: If I thought I could get you naked, I would've led with that. You'd rather show me your soul than your leg. HOUSE: Great. You've got me all figured out. You going to try and fix me now? CATE: I never said you needed fixing. [Cut to Foreman and Wilson in the lab testing possible stains.] FOREMAN: He's letting her take part in the differentials. WILSON: Of course he is. He likes her. Big shock, spaghetti sauce doesn't work as a lymph tissue stain. I'll try... the coffee. FOREMAN: He's annoyed by her, doesn't respect her as a doctor, constantly insults her. WILSON: That's House's version of courtship. FOREMAN: Oh, god. He's been wooing me for years. WILSON: She's the perfect woman for him. Willing to literally go to the end of the earth for her career, making her unavailable for a real relationship. And she's afflicted with a mysterious illness. FOREMAN: Soya sauce is a no-go. WILSON: We're going to be here all night. [Cut back to House lying back on the couch, drinking some Bourbon and waiting for Cate] HOUSE: How long does it take you to get naked? CATE: It's the South Pole. I wear a lot of layers. Okay. Ready. [Picks up the camera.] HOUSE: I saw socks. That's not naked. CATE: Have I mentioned it's freezing here? When they discover lymph nodes in feet, I will take off my socks. HOUSE: Use your right hand to palpate the nodes. Any node you can feel is one we can biopsy. Let's start with your breasts, move down to the ass, then... CATE: I was thinking... go from the neck and work my way down. HOUSE: Well, you could. But I'd never forgive myself if we found something before we got to your breasts. CATE: I'm starting with the anterior cervical nodes. [Starts to feel her neck, House sits up and puts down the drink.] HOUSE: Turn your head. Locate the SCM muscle. CATE: I know how to find my lymph nodes. HOUSE: They teach you that before or after the class on fondling your inner child? [House turns on some music.] CATE: No swelling, no tenderness, and I can hear that, House. HOUSE: Just thought it might help you relax. Anything in the axillary nodes? CATE: All clear. Both sides. HOUSE: Slide your hand to your sternum, probe for nodes. Moving slowly downward. [Cate does as told.] CATE: Down to what, House? HOUSE: Sorry, can't hear you on account of your heavy breathing. CATE: I'm supposed to be on oxygen, you tool. HOUSE: [Turns off the music.] Hold it. [Cate stops.] Your fingers didn't go quite as deep. Feel that node again. CATE: It...it's swollen. HOUSE: Looks like you're doing a biopsy. [Cut to House and Wilson in the Diagnostics office. Cate is on the big screen again and is putting ice on her stomach.] CATE: It's pretty numb. WILSON: Okay, take a deep breath... and insert the needle into the node. HOUSE: Come on, Cate. Let's get this over with. WILSON: [Mutes the microphone.] You used her name. HOUSE: Just trying to move things along, Bob. [Wilson un-mutes.] CATE: [Inserts the needle.] Okay, I'm in. WILSON: You need to pull back on the syringe. [Cate tries to pull but nothing happens.] You need to pull harder. [Cate does so and screams in pain as the syringe fills with some sort of yellow liquid.] HOUSE: You okay? CATE: Yeah. [Cut to House and Wilson in the lift.] WILSON: Are you okay? HOUSE: It's a valid medical question. WILSON: I have never heard you ask a patient that question. You've never asked me that question, you've seen me fall down a flight of stairs drunk. You've slept with her. HOUSE: She's 9,000 miles away. [Elevator opens, they walk out towards the exit.] And while a certain part of me unfurled... WILSON: No, you... Somehow you've been intimate with her. Why are you following me? HOUSE: Thought you were following me. WILSON: No, you are definitely following me. HOUSE: Where are you going? WILSON: Out to lunch. HOUSE: You never go out to lunch. Means there's a reason you're going out to lunch. I assume that reason is a human being. WILSON: Or a sandwich. HOUSE: Sandwiches can come here. WILSON: So can human beings. HOUSE: Yet she's not, which I find interesting. WILSON: I'm leaving now. [Walks away.] HOUSE: Small world. [Follows.] WILSON: Are you going to follow me into my car? HOUSE: It's got two doors. WILSON: Okay, look. The reason I haven't told you is... [Runs off leaving House just standing there watching.] [Cameron walks up behind House.] CAMERON: Call off your dogs, House. Your little helpers are interrogating my patients, swiping my charts, intercepting prescriptions. HOUSE: Why would you think that I'm... CAMERON: Because I'm not a moron. You had to be pulling the strings here. You think that because they make me miserable I'm going to give you cable? HOUSE: Let's assume that's true. And it certainly sounds like it might be. What are you going to do? CAMERON: Nothing. I resigned from the budget committee. [Shows House a piece of paper.] I only joined the committee to help the hospital. You made me a liability. I now have zero influence over the hospital's cable policy. [Walks away and smiles.] [Aerial of PPTH.] [Cut to House finding the newbies in the hallway.] HOUSE: Well done. TAUB: It didn't work. There's nothing more that we can do. HOUSE: Put these up. [Hands them some fliers.] KUTNER: [Reading the flier.] Free rottweiler puppies. Please call after 11:00 pm and before 5:00 am. [Looks up at House] Is this Cameron's home number? HOUSE: [Putting up a flier.] I love a new puppy. My last one was delicious, very tender. TAUB: There's no point in torturing her. HOUSE: If she can resign, she can unresign. Go to def-con one. Forget waiting for a mistake, make her make one. 13: You want us to sabotage another doctor, possibly harm a patient, all so you can have cable. HOUSE: Harm suggests permanent damage. Get her to screw up, then fix it. Oh and this time, don't tell her what you're going to do before you do it. [Leaves.] [Cut to Wilson in his office using a laptop to talk to Cate who is putting the node sample under a microscope.] CATE: So, how long do I let the lymph node marinate in the red wine? WILSON: It should be ready now. [Cate look in the microscope. Wilson has a spilt screen and is looking at the same thing.] Try increasing the magnification on the camera. [Cate does so.] CATE: You know, I e-mailed a couple colleagues at the hospital about you. WILSON: You're checking up on me, not House? CATE: Yeah, well House is straightforward, brilliant, and an ass. WILSON: Two out of three good qualities, clear majority. CATE: Whereas you, on the other hand, have a perfect score. You are responsible, nice, human, and yet you're House's best friend. WILSON: Hold there. [Cate stops adjusting.] Makes you think he's secretly nicer than he seems? CATE: Makes me think that you're secretly a lot less nice than you seem. WILSON: Do you always insult your doctors? CATE: It's not an insult. Indiscriminate niceness is overrated. WILSON: [Smiles.] No wonder he likes you. Based on this slide, you do not have cancer. CATE: [Relieved.] Oh thank god. WILSON: I do see some inflammation which could mean... CATE: [Leans back in her chair and grabs her side.] Ah! WILSON: Cate? You all right? CATE: My left side it hurts... It's the same pain that I had on the right. WILSON: Your other Kidney. CATE: No, I hope it's something, It's maybe [Screams.] No! I'm screwed. [Cut to House in his apartment talking to Cate on the laptop again. Cate is back in bed.] HOUSE: Bad news is you're 0 for 2 in the Kidney department. CATE: Is there good news? You're back at home. HOUSE: Of course. There's cable. And the freedom to work pant-free. CATE: That is good news. HOUSE: Wilson found signs of inflammation in your biopsy. That plus the two failing Kidneys points to autoimmune disease. Probably SLE or vasculitis. Treatment for both is prednisone. Start with 100 milligrams... CATE: Autoimmune is just your latest theory. Like cancer before that, and a Kidney stone before. HOUSE: Take the prednisone, you'll get better, that'll be your confirmation. CATE: You practice medicine like it's a fre sale. You've wasted antibiotics, X-rays. HOUSE: That was not a waste. We ruled out... CATE: We have a crew member here who has asthma. If he has an episode after I've used up the prednisone, he'll die. HOUSE: There a good chance he's going to die anyway, since there won't be a doctor there to help him. CATE: Show me proof that it's autoimmune and then I'll take the prednisone. [Turns off the camera.] [Aerial of PPTH, night.] [Cut to House's office] FOREMAN: We should send her outside. HOUSE: Right, just tell her to head north until she runs into a hospital. FOREMAN: Autoimmune diseases are basically inflammation running wild. Extreme cold has been used as treatment, like putting ice on a sprained ankle. She starts to feel better outside, we know it's autoimmune. WILSON: [Notices something on House's desk.] Is that my wallet? HOUSE: Yeah, you can have it back. I've already been through it. I like your ice on a sprain metaphor. Makes it seem like we're not klling her. FOREMAN: She'd only need to be outside five minutes. HOUSE: Without her mittens. Mum told me that was a bad idea. Especially that winter it was 70 below and I had dual Kidney failure. FOREMAN: This is a good idea. It's perfect for you. Experimental, risky. Wilson's right. You care about... WILSON: You didn't touch the cash, but you took the receipts? HOUSE: [Picks up a receipt off his desk.] $190 restaurant tab. That's dessert, probably booze. Means you lingered. Means it's at least the third date. Means... [Starts to leave.] FOREMAN: Where are you going? HOUSE: To talk to the people I pay to come up with medical ideas. FOREMAN: There are no ideas. The test for autoimmune is ANA. Unless penguins poop immuno-analysers, she's not... HOUSE: Before A.N.A. Testing, people had autoimmune diseases. How did they know? FOREMAN: C3. HOUSE: Before that. FOREMAN: LE Prep. But she doesn't have any controlled pore glass beads. WILSON: You don't need them. [Holds up a paperclip.] [Cut to Cate dropping a paperclip into a test tube of blood, she puts the stopper on and starts shaking it. House in in his office watching.] HOUSE: When you shake the test tube, the paperclip will damage some of your blood cells. If you have an autoimmune disease, your immune system will gorge itself on the damaged cells. They'll get big and fat so you can see them under a microscope. [She puts the test tube down and picks up the oxygen mask.] How you doing? CATE: No change. So how long should I give the cells to fatten up before I check them? HOUSE: Couple hours. Or you could stop being a hypocrite and take the prednisone now. CATE: Not bending to your will makes me a hypocrite? HOUSE: If your psych patients demanded lab results, you'd never make a diagnosis. CATE: So I'm wrong. You sleep like a baby, your life is unfolding as you dreamed. HOUSE: Everyone is miserable. You don't change that because people don't change. CATE: You want to believe that because then you're freed from any responsibility for your misery. HOUSE: Oh shut up. I get enough of this from Wilson. CATE: And yet you keep hanging out with him. And from what I hear, you have spent more time with me than with any other patient. HOUSE: Sorry about that. Call me when you get the results. [Turns off the camera.] [Cut to House and Foreman in line at the cafeteria. Cuddy walks up.] CUDDY: How's your patient? HOUSE: She has an autoimmune disease. Tell the psych department she's in denial. CUDDY: I had to fre Cameron. FOREMAN: What? What happened? CUDDY: 65-year-old man came into the ER with a hip fracture. Cameron gave him Demerol. The guy was on an MAOI, put him into a hypertensive crisis. FOREMAN: Is he going to live? CUDDY: Taub caught the error in time. If she'd just admitted the mistake, maybe I could've just suspended her. But... she's packing up, if you want to say good-bye. HOUSE: We should be hearing from the South Pole in a few minutes. CUDDY: That's it? HOUSE: Well there's nothing to be done. She screwed up. She's got no one to blame but herself. [Cuddy leaves.] FOREMAN: I got to go talk to Cameron. HOUSE: Cuddy wouldn't can her for one screw-up and if she did, she wouldn't come to me. And if she did, she wouldn't open with, "how's your patient." And if she did... FOREMAN: Why would she lie? HOUSE: Timeless question. In this case, she conspired with your coworkers to teach me that some things are more important than cable. And I'm gonna have to teach them that they're wrong. Come on, South Pole really should be calling. [Motions for Foreman to give him money to pay for his food.] [Cut to House and Foreman in the Diagnostics office watching Cate on the big screen again.] CATE: LE Prep test was negative. It's not autoimmune. HOUSE: You're basing that on a test done with a paperclip. Just take the prednisone. CATE: Either find another diagnosis or find another test. HOUSE: There is one way. You can take this experimental drug called... Pred-ni-sone! Your Kidneys start working... FOREMAN: There is another test. HOUSE: [Scrunches his chip packet near the microphone.] I, I think Foreman may have just broken up there. What he actually said was there is no other test. FOREMAN: If you have an autoimmune disease, exposure to the cold should decrease your kidney pain. CATE: If I go outside, we'll have our answer? [Foreman nods.] [To House.] And you knew about this? HOUSE: I rejected it because if you're frozen solid, it's hard to get the needles into your arms. CATE: [Getting up.] How long do I need to stay out? FOREMAN: At least five minutes. HOUSE: Eight minutes outside would kll a healthy person. And healthy people don't suck on oxygen masks. Healthy people can pee. CATE: I'll go get Sean, have him come with me. [Starts taking off layers.] HOUSE: Just take the prednisone! CATE: Once I come inside. If it's autoimmune. [Picks up the screen but starts to wobble.] FOREMAN: Are you all right? [She collapses.] HOUSE: Oh I'm sure she's just fine. Cate? [To Foreman] Do you know if there's anyone down there who has a cell phone. [sht of Sean looking over Cate who's on a table still unconscious.] [Cut to House, Wilson and Foreman in the elevator.] FOREMAN: Took the station mechanic 20 minutes to respond. She'd already slipped into a coma. Started her on prednisone, but no improvement. HOUSE: Means it's not autoimmune. Good thing she's in a coma, or we'd have to listen to her gloat. WILSON: And where are we going? HOUSE: To find the useful members of my team. FOREMAN: You're letting them off the hook? HOUSE: Happy? Because of you, I'm not going to be able to watch law and order in Korean WILSON: Why am I here? HOUSE: Because I want to ask you about your girlfriend. I must know who she is or you'd have told me her name. WILSON: She doesn't have a name. It's some sort of birth defect. HOUSE: There's only about 12 people we both know. I can't remember five of their names, so we're down to... Cuddy... Your ex-wives WILSON: Your mama. [Elevator opens, they walk out.] You need to run a Kidney function test. HOUSE: Yes, if only she wasn't in a coma, we could get her to run a test to find out why she's in a coma. The results would likely be paradoxical. Can't be Cuddy, 'cause you're straight. Can't be... FOREMAN: We could talk the mechanic through the test. HOUSE: Too complicated... Unless he's thirsty. [Cut to Diagnostics office. House and Foreman are talking to Sean on the big screen.] SEAN: Drink her urine? FOREMAN: If it has a strong, concentrated taste, it means the problem's in her Kidneys. Watery taste means it's her brain. SEAN: And then you can fix it? HOUSE: Let's say yeah. SEAN: How do I get the urine out? FOREMAN: Take a straight catheter and insert it... HOUSE: These are your only questions? Not, is it safe? Or, is there another way? Or, are you out of your minds? SEAN: You wouldn't ask me if... HOUSE: Wait a second. You're in love with her. That explains why you're so eager to get her naked, then have a drink. Cause most guys like to go the other way around. SEAN: Why do you care how I feel about her? HOUSE: Because now, I know that I can get you to do anything to save her. Tell him how to tap the keg. [Leaves.] [Aerial of PPTH.] [Cut to House walking up to the newbies in the cafeteria.] HOUSE: You got Cameron fired. TAUB: Cuddy wasn't supposed to find out. HOUSE: No kidding! Get me cable. How tough can that be? Cost a woman her job. There's only one thing you can say to keep me from fring you. 13: Cameron wasn't fired. HOUSE: Wrong. TAUB: You know? KUTNER: We're still fired? HOUSE: That should be a hint as to what you're supposed to say. TAUB: We're sorry. HOUSE: Wrong. KUTNER: I love you. HOUSE: Wrong. 13: This is a game? First we have to screw with our co-worker and now we have to try to figure out what you want us to say? This is insane. I'm not playing. HOUSE: Right. You should've said this two days ago. Do not play games with me. Number one, you're going to lose, you're just not ready. Number two, the game was to force you to stop playing games. I need you to stand up to me. Challenge me. I need you to stop worrying about getting fired. Go pay for my cable. [Starts to leave.] KUTNER: No! HOUSE: I didn't mean on this. Seriously, I need cable. [Cut to Sean drinking the urine. House and Foreman watching in the Diagnostics office.] HOUSE: Milk, milk, lemonade? SEAN: This tastes kind of watery. HOUSE: That's bad news. FOREMAN: Either increased intracranial pressure or something's wrong with her hypothalamus. SEAN: How do you figure out which one it is? HOUSE: We don't do anything. You're going to drill a hole in her skull. If she regains consciousness, it's increased intracranial pressure. SEAN: And if it's the other thing? HOUSE: She'll die. But if it's the hypothalamus, she's dad anyway. SEAN: If the problem is the pressure in her brain, and I fix it, is she going to be all better? HOUSE: Nope, but it'll give us more time to figure out what's wrong. SEAN: [Starts to panic.] I have to get someone else. I can't do this. HOUSE: You love her, right? You'd do anything to save her. SEAN: Not this. I can't do this. If, if she dies because of something that I did, then I... HOUSE: Listen, listen. I am not going to let you hurt her. Okay? Now please... This is her only chance. SEAN: Okay. [Gets up and walks towards Cate.] HOUSE: Well, that was easy. [Cut to Sean putting gloves on. Cate's head is taped to the table and there's a drill hovering above her head.] SEAN: Okay, her head is s*ab and the drill bit is sterile. FOREMAN: Place the drill bit against the upper left part of her forehead. About an inch above the temple. [Sean turns on the drill and slowly moves it down onto her head, it goes through the skin and stops going down further.] SEAN: It's not going anywhere. FOREMAN: Bone's harder than wood, lean into it. The skull's only a quarter-inch thick. Once you're midway through, drill in shorter bursts. [Sean does as he's told.] HOUSE: If it comes out the other side, you've gone too far. SEAN: [The drill gets through the bone and Sean stops it.] Okay, now what? Now what? HOUSE: Let the fluid drain. [Blood starts to come out of the hole in Cate's head. After a few seconds Cate starts to wake up.] SEAN: She's waking up. She's waking up. CATE: Sean? What's going on? [Cut to House with the newbies and Foreman in the hallway outside the diagnostics office.] HOUSE: South Pole doc is out of her coma, and now we have a new symptom. Increased intracranial pressure. KUTNER: Why are we out here? HOUSE: That's the patient room. ICP plus Kidney problems plus lung collapse equals? TAUB: The most likely suspect is a tumour throwing off clots. FOREMAN: We ruled out cancer. HOUSE: But not clots. What causes blood clots? 13: Bacterial endocarditis. FOREMAN: Not without a fever. TAUB: Deep vein thrombosis plus an existing PFO. HOUSE: PFO would've been discovered in her pre-south pole physical exam. KUTNER: What if the clots aren't clots? Atherosclerosis. Fatty plaque builds up on the arterial walls, pieces break off, block blood flow. Explains everything. HOUSE: She has zero risk factors. Forget fat, think clots. KUTNER: No. HOUSE: You're standing up to me? KUTNER: Maybe. HOUSE: Just to clarify. You should do that when you're right. Sorry for the confusion. How could a clot... KUTNER: Could be a different kind of fat, fat emboli. HOUSE: That's a perfect fit... Except it's completely impossible! Fat emboli requires an unrepaired bone break. Between the x-ray and the exam, I've seen her entire... [Epiphany.] See, that's what I'm talking about. [Kutner bows.] [Cut to House and Foreman back in the Diagnostics office.] HOUSE: Take off her socks. [Sean moves to her feet.] CATE: I could, I could do it. SEAN: No, I got it. [Takes off her sock revealing quite a badly broken big toe.] HOUSE: Your toe is broken. CATE: Oh, my god. HOUSE: Bits of bone marrow have been leaking into your blood stream. Those fat emboli have caused blockages in your Kidney, lungs, and brain. CATE: It doesn't even hurt. HOUSE: Cold numbs everything. Does a particularly great job on the extremities. FOREMAN: You'll need to close the break to stop the marrow from leaking. HOUSE: This one you will feel. CATE: [To Sean] Will you do it? HOUSE: He drilled a hole in your skull after drinking your pee. I think he's up for this. FOREMAN: Grab the tip of her toe with your right hand. Hold the break with your other. [Sean does as he's told.] On the count of three, pull hard. One... Two... Three. [Sean pulls, we hear a loud crack and Cate screams.] HOUSE: Now splint your toe. You'll be fine. CATE: Thank you, House. HOUSE: Don't thank me. He's the one who saved your life. [Cate looks at Sean. They smile the hug. During the hug Cate looks back towards House and smiles. House turns off the camera.] He likes her. [House leaves.] [Cut to Wilson ordering wine in a restaurant.] WILSON: [To waiter.] A bottle of the Bordeaux and some sparkling water. [Waiter walks off, House walks over and sits down opposite Wilson.] HOUSE: Well, you didn't pick her up. Which means she's coming from work too. Which means you're comfortable enough to meet her. WILSON: Damn. Thought I lost you when I walked backwards through my own footprints in the snow. HOUSE: I think I've got it narrowed down to three possibilities. WILSON: Better leave, if you see her, it'll be cheating. HOUSE: It's not one of your ex-wives. WILSON: Because they hate me. HOUSE: They don't. They should, but they don't. I called them. Someone new, but someone I know. WILSON: Did you ever consider being happy for me? HOUSE: Briefly. You ordering the wine before she got here... WILSON: Girls are good, House. And you know it. You solved your case because you cared about that girl. HOUSE: You're demonstrating the illusion of manly confidence. Which means you haven't closed the deal yet. WILSON: I closed the deal. I just like her. HOUSE: Still? WILSON: You knew your patient hated having cold feet because you did a physical exam, because you liked her. HOUSE: Your theory is I cared, therefore I let her keep her socks on? If that's what love is, then I don't want to have anything to do with it. WILSON: It starts with warm feet but leads to other things. Your mum and I will explain when you're older. HOUSE: If I'd made her take them off like I should've, I would've seen the toe and would've solved the case days ago. WILSON: But you don't care about her. [Amber walks up to the table.] AMBER: Of course not. House doesn't care about anyone. WILSON: [Gets up and kisses her.] Hi. AMBER: Sorry I'm late. HOUSE: [Shocked.] Cut throat bitch? WILSON: I call her Amber. Was she on your list?	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x11 - Frozen"}	foreverdreaming
[Hotel Banquet Room. Night. An orthodox Hasidic Jewish wedding is underway. The camera focuses on the smiling bride, Roz Viner, who sits in front of her husband-to-be, Yonatan Arnoff, who lowers her veil over her head. Other wedding guests hang around, watching happily. Under the chuppah, the Rabbi conducts the ceremony. Yonatan places a lace cloth over her head, as they listen to the Rabbi. Yonatan leans close to Roz and whispers to her.] YONATAN ARNOFF: I don't know about you, but I'm nervous. [Roz sees the Rabbi bless her. Yonatan takes a sip of water, followed by Roz. A photographer clicks some pictures. Roz gently places the ring on Roz's right index finger. And then... he stomps his foot down on a covered glass.] JEWISH GUEST: [along with others] Mazel tov! [A lady lifts Roz's veil. Roz grins in excitement. Pictures of Roz, Yonatan and the Rabbi are clicked. The banquet hall is filled with Hasidic Jews (with long well-groomed beards and dressed in black). There is a large partition running across the hall, with men on one side and women on the other. The banquet tables are filled with kosher food. People sit at tables and eat. Roz sits with other ladies. A beaming lady comes up to Roz.] JEWISH LADY: Mazel tov. Many children. [An elderly lady (Mrs. Silver) sits next to Roz.] MRS. SILVER: This is a great thing, Roz. Oh, I am so happy for you. ROZ VINER: Thank you, Mrs. Silver. MRS. SILVER: Yonatan is a good man from a good family. [Roz looks at Yonatan on the opposite side of the partition.] ROZ VINER: I know you chose well for me. I been blessed. [Mrs. Silver beams at her. A girl comes over and pulls Roz up to join in the dance. Roz is led to the middle of a circle, around which the other women dance. Yonatan does the same on his side as well. Some kids try peeking into the ladies' side. Yonatan is hoisted on a chair by the men, while the ladies do the same to Roz. The chairs are bobbed up and down, as Yonatan and Roz see each other over the partition. Yonatan throws Roz one end of a scarf that he's holding. Holding opposite ends and enjoying themselves a great deal, Yonatan and Roz bob up and down. That's when it happens...] [In slow motion, Roz's smile disappears. Yonatan notices the worried look on her face. She looks down and notices a dark red spot forming on her wedding gown. Eyes wide in horror, she looks at Yonatan and then falls to the floor, unconscious. She falls violently, as the women crowd around her. Yonatan orders the men to put him down. Once he's down, he runs around the partition to where his newly-wed wife lies unconscious. He crouches at her side, clutching her arm and feeling her head. In absolute despair, he looks around for help.] [Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, Lobby. Day. Dr. James Wilson makes his way towards the elevator. He moves to press the button, when his finger is beaten to the punch by a really bitchin' cane. The cane is held by a bitchin' doctor (i.e., he bitches a lot), Dr. Gregory House. Wilson looks up at his friend, not really in the mood for House's expected tirade, especially given what transpired at the end of the last episode.] GREG HOUSE: Cross-species mating. I feel like Darwin in the Galapagos. JAMES WILSON: Amber and I have a lot in common. GREG HOUSE: She's a Cutthroat Bitch. You cry over Dark Victory. JAMES WILSON: Bette Davis - another strong, assertive woman. GREG HOUSE: You don't like strong, you don't like assertive. You like needy. [The elevator door opens.] GREG HOUSE: She's not dying, is she? JAMES WILSON: [acting mournful] Yes. Go 'way. [They both enter the elevator. Wilson hits the button.] GREG HOUSE: I give it two months. [The door closes.] JAMES WILSON: Hundred bucks. [House looks at him and cocks his head, as if intrigued.] GREG HOUSE: Not really fair. You're not objective. [shrugs] But I'm all about the teaching... JAMES WILSON: [interrupts] We're at four months. GREG HOUSE: [genuinely surprised, sounding hurt] You hid this from me? JAMES WILSON: I was wrong, okay? I thought you'd be upset. I thought you'd track me down in the hallways... [The elevator door opens and they step out into the first floor hallway, near Wilson's office.] GREG HOUSE: You shouldn't have discounted the sex. She's obviously limber enough to put off the meltdown for two months. JAMES WILSON: She's not needy. I don't need needy. GREG HOUSE: She's scary. Why does Scary need Pathetic? JAMES WILSON: Are you gonna talk to her? GREG HOUSE: [acts helpless] I don't see that I have any choice. [Wilson, seeing no way to win this argument, turns and heads to his office.] GREG HOUSE: You all right with that? [Wilson just keeps walking.] GREG HOUSE: No impulse to save her from me? [Wilson stops at his door and turns to House.] JAMES WILSON: I've broken the pattern, House. Which is why this has a chance. I know you're too suspicious to accept that without getting out your ruler and your callipers and your scanning equipment. So, go ahead. Get it out of your system. [He unlocks his office and enters. House stands there a bat, then starts for his office.] [PPTH Diagnostics Office. Day. House limps inside. Dr... "Thirteen" holds out a folder for him, which he takes disinterestedly. As she talks, he looks around the room, seeing Dr. Eric Foreman and Dr. Chris Taub sitting at the glass table. Dr. Lawrence Kutner stands at the small pantry.] "THIRTEEN": Thirty-eight-year-old female with loss of bladder control, blood in her urine and a broken leg from collapsing at her wedding. GREG HOUSE: Ampicillin for the UTI. [hands the folder back to "Thirteen"] Shiny cast for the leg. [to all] You guys know Wilson's dating Amber? [Foreman and Taub look up immediately in surprise. Kutner, at the pantry, doesn't budge.] ERIC FOREMAN: No. CHRIS TAUB: Wilson and Amber? LAWRENCE KUTNER: I knew. [House looks at Kutner, quizzically. Stirring his coffee, Kutner walks to the glass table.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: I asked her out. Said she just started seeing someone. "THIRTEEN": [holding out the folder again] Cultures were negative for UTIs. No signs of previous trauma or STDs. [House ignores the folder.] GREG HOUSE: Kidney cancer. "THIRTEEN": CT was clean for tumors and kidney stones. GREG HOUSE: [to Kutner] I thought Amber scared you guys. LAWRENCE KUTNER: She does. But she also has legs that go all the way up to Canada. [Taub shakes his head, trying to banish that picture from his mind.] GREG HOUSE: So do Canadians. Doesn't mean I wanna date one. "THIRTEEN": [Cameron-like persistence] Her sodium's low. Could be endometriosis in the bladder. CHRIS TAUB: Low sodium could also be from low food. Hasidic Jews fast on their wedding day. GREG HOUSE: Or... sodium was absorbed by a toxin already in her system. [to Kutner] Was it just the legs? Or did you detect something resembling a soul? LAWRENCE KUTNER: [amused] She grew on me. If there's a toxin in her, could be carbolic acid. [clarifying] I'm talking about the patient now. ERIC FOREMAN: That much carbolic acid, someone would've had to poison her. GREG HOUSE: Coulda been a Cossack. If this was eighteenth-century Poland and Cossacks were into household cleansers. Which is why it's more likely that the poisoner was "poisonee". CHRIS TAUB: su1c1de's a sin. GREG HOUSE: Corollary of "people lie" is "people sin". In my world, "people" includes Jews. "THIRTEEN": She was getting married. GREG HOUSE: Hasidic women marry young so they can start pushing out little Hasidilings. Thirty-eight means a woman not on anyone's hot-list. Being pushed onto a guy who's not on anyone's hot-list. No way out, no way out... "THIRTEEN": [interrupts] Endometriosis fits better than an epiphany that her life is meaningless. We should start her on AIs and do a cystoscopy to confirm. [House thinks a second and jerks a nod.] GREG HOUSE: Fine. [He starts to walk out.] GREG HOUSE: Check her innards for bad cells and her home for bad karma. Carbolic acid should be on her shelf, right next to the regret and the self-loathing. [Collecting his coat, he leaves.] [Roz and Yonatan's apartment. Day. The apartment is still a mess, with stuff still packed in preparation for the newly-weds to move in. Taub and Foreman check the place (for a little more than bad karma, hopefully). Taub drops a bucket, filled with household cleaners, on the table.] CHRIS TAUB: [testily] These people are crazy. ERIC FOREMAN: Yeah, she should be self-hating. CHRIS TAUB: I'm not self-hating. I hate religious people who are out of touch with reality. You only marry someone you met three times, if they're carrying a little mistake. ERIC FOREMAN: [rhetorically] What's their divorce rate? CHRIS TAUB: [looking through the bucket] Cleaners are all organic, nothing with carbolic acid. You like how they hook up? ERIC FOREMAN: Romance is just emotional foreplay, y'know. Candlelight meals, flowers - it's as much a ritual as anything these people do. Why not go with someone who's pre-vetted, shares the same values? Cut to the quick. CHRIS TAUB: Values may give you the big picture, but time together gives you the little picture. Does she chew her food too loud? Will she leave you alone during the Final Four? ERIC FOREMAN: You commit to something deeper, you let the little surprises slide. CHRIS TAUB: Surprises kll. Which is why I only commit when there are no more surprises. ERIC FOREMAN: And you have no more surprises for your wife. [Taub holds up some rather sexy lingerie.] CHRIS TAUB: Do you think this came up on date number two? [Foreman is more interested in a large platinum album and some CDs.] ERIC FOREMAN: You ever heard of a Hasidic Jew into hard rock? She's listed as a producer on all of these. [Taub comes over to take a look.] CHRIS TAUB: Where there's rock and roll, [holding up the lingerie] and sex... usually, there's drugs. [He pulls out his cell phone and speed dials.] [Aerial View of a snow-covered PPTH. Day.] [Roz's Room. Day. "Thirteen" and Kutner gently question Roz about her past.] ROZ VINER: I'm Baalat tshuva. I became Hasidic about six months ago. "THIRTEEN": And before six months ago? Music business isn't exactly known for its holiness. ROZ VINER: [reluctantly] Heroin. But I've been clean for months. ["Thirteen" smiles. She looks outside at Yonatan, pacing anxiously. Roz turns her head to look at him.] ROZ VINER: Yonatan knows. The broad strokes. He never actually asks the details. Says what's important is the person that I am now, Not the person I was then. LAWRENCE KUTNER: How do you go all the way from...? ROZ VINER: [obviously tired of this question] Just took a class. Then I took another class. LAWRENCE KUTNER: And you just completely left the music business? ROZ VINER: Pop music is considered frivolous. Same reason we don't watch TV or go to movies. "THIRTEEN": Your drug use may have caused some long term damage. We're gonna need to take a hair sample to test for latent toxins. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [almost feeling sorry for her, because...] So you can never watch Star Wars again. ["Thirteen" closes her eyes wearily. Roz frowns at the question. Kutner doesn't think it's a dumb question.] [Amber's Apartment. Day. Amber Volakis enters her apartment, carrying her mail. Locking the door, she places the mail on the table. She goes to hang up her coat and looks in the mirror directly in front of her. Her eyes go wide and she whirls around to look at the head, that juts above a chair across the room.] GREG HOUSE: You figured that I'll hire you... [He swivels the chair around to face her. He reading one of her books.] GREG HOUSE: ... if you promised to dump Wilson. AMBER VOLAKIS: How did you...? GREG HOUSE: Wilson had a key. ['Nuff said for Amber. She starts to take off her coat.] GREG HOUSE: You figure that I'll make your life hell at first, but I'll eventually see how good you are and keep you. [She removes the coat. She's wearing a grey sweatshirt, with "McGILL" (in red) emblazoned on it.] AMBER VOLAKIS: [dryly] It's a good plan, don't you think? Perfectly tailored to your personality. [House remembers seeing it before during a certain card game (see "Season 2, Episode 19 - House Vs. God"). He thinks a bat about her reply.] GREG HOUSE: No, it's not. You know it's not. Means you just wanna stay in my orbit 'cause you figure I'll eventually realize that I made a mistake and you're gonna be able to rub my face in it. AMBER VOLAKIS: [humoring him] I can't wait. It's gonna be awesome. [Again, he thinks.] GREG HOUSE: No, it's not. And you know it's not. 'Cause you know that even if I made a mistake, I'd never admit that I made a mistake. Which means that you're just toying with Wilson to toy with me. [He stands up.] GREG HOUSE: [drops the book on the nearby table] Your goal is pure feral vengeance. [She walks up to him.] AMBER VOLAKIS: Innocent bystander, but there's a greater good. GREG HOUSE: No, that's not it. Because a bag of flaming poop bypasses the bystander. AMBER VOLAKIS: So... which is it, House? Am I in this for you? Or am I in this for him? [A silent awkward bat passes. House looks down at the sweatshirt.] GREG HOUSE: Give him back his sweatshirt. 'Pit stains don't become you. [He limps past her and leaves. She smirks.] [PPTH Hallway/House's Office. Day. The elevator door opens. Kutner and Taub stand outside expectantly, as House walks into the hallway.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Treatment had no effect. Rules out endometriosis. And her hair sample was negative for residue drugs. CHRIS TAUB: This woman lived in the fast lane till six months ago. Maybe we're missing something. LAWRENCE KUTNER: She admitted drug use. Doubt she's holding out on her days as an asbestos miner. CHRIS TAUB: Cryoglobulinemia might account for the symptoms. [They enter House's office.] GREG HOUSE: Except for the one you missed. CHRIS TAUB: There's no change in her condition. GREG HOUSE: I'm not talking about a new symptom. I'm talking about one that presented six months ago. [He goes behind his desk.] CHRIS TAUB: Look, she's nuts, but we can't just give her ten ccs of atheism and send her home. GREG HOUSE: Religion is a symptom of irrational belief and groundless hope. Altered mental status, on the other hand, is a symptom of porphyria. LAWRENCE KUTNER: She didn't develop uncontrollable anger, crying, anxiety. She just decided to go to temple. GREG HOUSE: The woman didn't _just_ choose to keep kosher. [sits] She went directly to the extremes of Hasidism, a life of stringent rules. She became a masochist. LAWRENCE KUTNER: She didn't like her old life, so she changed it. GREG HOUSE: People don't change. They might wanna. They need to. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [pointing at Taub] Taub gave up a six figure plastic surgery career for this job. That mean he has porphyria? GREG HOUSE: He switched jobs to save his marriage. He did it to avoid change. CHRIS TAUB: [hesitates a bat] He's right. You don't suddenly choose crazy without suddenly being crazy. LAWRENCE KUTNER: No, no, if she walked away from everything to go base jumping or live with apes, we wouldn't be having this discussion. GREG HOUSE: We would if she was also tinkling blood out of her overexcited bladder. Pump Hadassa full of hematin and give her a phlebotomy. [The two Fellows leave. House sits pensively.] [Roz's Room. Day. Kutner tells Roz about the procedure, while Yonatan stands nearby.] ROZ VINER: Bloodletting? LAWRENCE KUTNER: Porphyria is a rare genetic disorder that causes an overproduction of a certain protein. Draining the blood relieves... YONATAN ARNOFF: The hair test for damage from drugs showed she has a rare genetic disease? LAWRENCE KUTNER: Not-not exactly. We're testing her now to confirm. YONATAN ARNOFF: You're treating it before you confirm it? [He gently places his hand on Roz's head.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Blood test results take twenty-four hours. YONATAN ARNOFF: You must have seen something that makes you suspect it. [Kutner has a "deer-in-the-headlights" look on his face.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Uhh, Dr. House has a theory. ROZ VINER: A theory based on what? [Kutner hesitates.] [Lisa Cuddy's Office. Day. Yonatan complains to Lisa Cuddy, Dean on Medicine, while House hangs around.] YONATAN ARNOFF: We'd like a different doctor. LISA CUDDY: I assure you that Dr. House is our best... YONATAN ARNOFF: Then we will settle for second-best, someone who doesn't think my wife is sick just because she's religious. GREG HOUSE: If you prefer, I can give your wife my second-best diagnosis. [Cuddy turns around to look at House, who stands behind her desk. Yonatan has no interest in House's diagnosis.] GREG HOUSE: D'you know Wilson's dating Amber? LISA CUDDY: I have reviewed the chart. Someone on your team must have pointed out that cryoglobulinemia also fits the symptoms. GREG HOUSE: Yes, it fits _many_ of the symptoms. YONATAN ARNOFF: My wife's body is sick. Her mind and soul are fine. GREG HOUSE: You live according to God's six hundred commitments, right? YONATAN ARNOFF: [folding his arms] Six hundred thirteen. GREG HOUSE: You understand them all? YONATAN ARNOFF: Takes a lifetime of learning... GREG HOUSE: But you follow the ones you don't understand because the ones you do understand make sense, and you believe the guy who created them knows what he's doing. YONATAN ARNOFF: Of course. GREG HOUSE: So you will trust my diagnosis and you'll let me treat her, because in this temple, [scarily] I am Dr. Yahweh. [Yonatan has a look of disbelief on his face.] YONATAN ARNOFF: [wagging his finger at Cuddy] I want a new doctor. [He walks out.] LISA CUDDY: Starting her on Indomethacin for cryoglobulinemia. GREG HOUSE: People don't change. For example, I'm gonna keep repeating "people don't change". LISA CUDDY: So alcoholics that successfully go through treatment don't exist. GREG HOUSE: They're still alcoholics. If they never take a drink as long as they live, it's only 'cause they didn't live long enough. LISA CUDDY: If you're dissatisfied with your life, changing it is a symptom of mental health. [She puts her hand on his shoulder.] LISA CUDDY: I get why that concept is strange to you... [His beeper goes off. He looks at it.] [Roz's Room. Day. A nurse hurriedly pushes a crash cart inside, while another helps her. "Thirteen" holds Roz upright in bed, as Roz wheezes heavily. Cuddy enters the room, followed by House. Yonatan, seeing the commotion, walks inside.] "THIRTEEN": O2 sats are 85. She's hypoxic. We might need to intubate. [Roz coughs violently. Cuddy rushes around the bed and takes the stethoscope from "Thirteen".] YONATAN ARNOFF: [worried] What's wrong with her? LISA CUDDY: It's definitely not cryoglobulinemia. GREG HOUSE: [pointing upwards] Better ask Him. [Roz's Room. Day. Roz lies awake in bed, an oxygen mask strapped to her face. Yonatan sits nearby.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: [vo] We kept her on oxygen overnight. [Diagnostics Office. Day. House stands in front of the whiteboard, which has "BLOODY URINE, BLADDER CONTROL, ALTERED MENTAL STATUS, DYSPNEA" written on it. The Fellows and Foreman sit at the glass table.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Her respiratory rate sab, and her O-sat's back up to 95. Saw Amber drop off Wilson this morning. GREG HOUSE: [hisses] Yes. The male always drives the female. So what caused the breathing problem? "THIRTEEN": Pulmonary involvement rules out porphyria. CHRIS TAUB: She kiss him or he kiss her? LAWRENCE KUTNER: I missed it. The lab tech with the tongue stud also pulled up. ERIC FOREMAN: Wegener's would explain her elevated sed rate. GREG HOUSE: Wegener's wouldn't explain the changed mental status. "THIRTEEN": Actually, we've been trying to ignore that part of the whiteboard. GREG HOUSE: Well, I wrote it in black. I'm always serious when I use black. Lupus would explain... "THIRTEEN": [interrupts] Maybe she didn't change. GREG HOUSE: Are you agreeing with me or you making a point? "THIRTEEN": I'm making a point. GREG HOUSE: That's gonna take longer. "THIRTEEN": How do we know that the real Roz isn't who she is now and who she was then? Can't we say that her previous life was true without making her present one a fraud? GREG HOUSE: "Life is messy" argument. Nice. Explains everything without explaining anything. If it's lupus, there's a heart problem we don't know about yet. Run her through a stress test. If she has a heart attck, I'm right. CHRIS TAUB: Or we could wait. Hope that... GREG HOUSE: You're afraid to give her a heart attck. CHRIS TAUB: Of course we're afraid to... GREG HOUSE: No reason to be afraid. Unless you think I'm right. CHRIS TAUB: [no other choice] It's Wegener's. [Foreman frowns.] CHRIS TAUB: But we'll have the crash cart just in case. [He raises his eyebrows at House, waiting for his approval. House gives a small nod.] [Aerial view of a snow-covered Princeton. Day.] [Fusion Restaurant. Day.] GREG HOUSE: [feigning pleasant surprise] Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here? [The camera pans around to where he's looking and focuses on Wilson and Amber, who aren't feigning their annoyed surprise. They're standing at a table near the door, waiting to be seated. House approaches them, further enhancing their annoyance.] GREG HOUSE: I had a sudden yen for Fusion. JAMES WILSON: [to Amber, apologetically] I put a different restaurant in my date book. I'm fring my assistant. AMBER VOLAKIS: That's okay. [to House] Hi, Greg. And I call you Greg because we're now social equals. GREG HOUSE: I call you Cutthroat Bitch... well, Quod Erat Demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am. AMBER VOLAKIS: I assume you'd like to join us? It'll be easier to observe our interaction if you're at the same table. JAMES WILSON: If we ever get seated. AMBER VOLAKIS: Excuse me. [She walks away.] JAMES WILSON: No, no, I, uh... [But she's already gone. House gives Wilson a sly smile. Amber walks over to the Maitre D'.] AMBER VOLAKIS: We've been waiting for... GREG HOUSE: Any minute now, she's gonna ht him in the face with your testicles. [House picks up Amber's drink.] JAMES WILSON: She tends to treat ev... [notices House sipping Amber's drink] She tends to treat every event like it's the last copter out of Saigon. [Amber seems to be making headway with the Maitre D'. She forces some menus into his hand, so he can hand it to them when he seats them.] GREG HOUSE: She's the anti-Wilson. She's a force for evil. JAMES WILSON: She has an annoying quality. Perhaps even two. If I was perfect, I would date perfect. [Successful in her mission, Amber waves to Wilson and beckons him to come. She and the Maitre D' walk to the table. House notices Wilson smiling at her.] GREG HOUSE: You like that! [Collecting Amber's drink, he follows Wilson (who holds his drink) towards the table.] JAMES WILSON: It's annoying, but she's good at it. GREG HOUSE: Wait a second. [They stop walking.] GREG HOUSE: This isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves... [House stops suddenly, overcome with an horrible sense of d�ja vu. Wilson, noticing House's sudden silence, looks at him.] GREG HOUSE: [wide-eyed] Oh, my God. You're sleeping with me. [Wilson looks away in equal surprise. House feels awkward. Handing Amber's drink to Wilson, he beats a hasty retreat. Wilson walks to the table.] [PPTH Stress Test Room. Day. Roz undergoes the arm stress test (her leg is broken). Taub sits in the adjoining room, while Yonatan watches.] CHRIS TAUB: [into microphone] I need you to go faster, Roz. [Roz continues to pedal with her arms.] CHRIS TAUB: Little harder. ROZ VINER: [testily] I am going harder, dammit. [Yonatan reacts at the curse uttered by his wife.] YONATAN ARNOFF: [to Taub] What if Dr. House was right? And Roz did make a radical change? CHRIS TAUB: Lupus is chronic but treatable. YONATAN ARNOFF: And with the treatment, it'd undo the change? She'll be the way she was before I knew her? CHRIS TAUB: I don't think it's likely. YONATAN ARNOFF: Then you don't know for sure. [Yonatan stands, silently watching his wife pedal away.] CHRIS TAUB: You'd find someone else. YONATAN ARNOFF: There isn't someone else. CHRIS TAUB: You've had three dates. YONATAN ARNOFF: How long have you been married? CHRIS TAUB: Twelve years. YONATAN ARNOFF: And is she the one? CHRIS TAUB: We wouldn't still be together if she weren't. I love her as much now as the day... YONATAN ARNOFF: Well, you should love her more. The more you know someone, the more you should love them. [Taub looks at Yonatan, contemplatively. Roz's vitals seem sab.] CHRIS TAUB: [standing] Okay, that's enough, Roz. [He enters into the stress test room. A tired Roz stops pedaling. Taub walks up to her, followed by Yonatan.] CHRIS TAUB: Your heart's as strong as a battleship. YONATAN ARNOFF: Does this mean Dr. House was wrong? [Roz starts to get up, but her unbroken leg buckles and she falls to the floor, groaning in pain.] ROZ VINER: Oh! Oh, my leg! [Taub puts his fingers to her ankle. She continues to groan as she lies on the floor.] [PPTH Lobby. Day. House limps inside the lobby from outside. Foreman joins him.] ERIC FOREMAN: Heart's strong enough to prove you wrong about the change in mental status. GREG HOUSE: Only proves this isn't lupus. Just as the leg pain proves it isn't Wegener's. ERIC FOREMAN: Leg pain can be from nerve entrapment. We're thinking blood clot. [House stops walking.] GREG HOUSE: Do an MRI to look for the clot. Then do an fMRI. ERIC FOREMAN: An MRI alone will detect... GREG HOUSE: If the clot hasn't dissolved. An fMRI can show signs of near-ischemic stroke in post-ischemic parts of the brain. [House looks at the snack-vending machine near the wall.] GREG HOUSE: Gimme ten bucks. ERIC FOREMAN: No. GREG HOUSE: I missed lunch. ERIC FOREMAN: I thought you went... GREG HOUSE: [annoyed] I missed lunch! [Foreman slaps ten bucks into House's outstretched palm. House limps over to the machine.] [MRI Room. Day. Roz is inside the MRI. Foreman and "Thirteen" sit in the adjoining room.] "THIRTEEN": Good symmetrical activity in both hemispheres. ERIC FOREMAN: Caudal structures look okay. She hasn't changed? Sex, drugs, rock and roll, the six hundred rules of God are all in there somewhere. "THIRTEEN": We oversimplify people. It's how the human mind works. Everything's on or off. Everything's got a... category. ERIC FOREMAN: You don't like it. You don't wanna be... oversimplified. [into microphone] Roz, move your right leg. "THIRTEEN": No one can describe themselves in ten words. Why would we wanna hear anyone else do it? ERIC FOREMAN: So you keep it a mystery. No categories if no one knows anything. "THIRTEEN": Do you think maybe you're oversimplifying me now? ERIC FOREMAN: No. I'm sure you have many reasons to keep yourself a mystery, besides the fact that you're bisexual. ["Thirteen" turns to look at him, wide-eyed, a half-smile on her lips.] ERIC FOREMAN: Uh, denial would have worked before the long, vacant stare. [into microphone] Roz, move your left leg just an inch. ["Thirteen" looks surprised at his obviously correct assessment.] ERIC FOREMAN: People who have a problem with boxes are people who don't fit in them. "THIRTEEN": [chuckling] You've been working for House for a long time. ERIC FOREMAN: [smiling] No need for name calling. "THIRTEEN": I would ask if this was gonna be lunchtime gossip, but lucky for me... ERIC FOREMAN: I don't give a damn. [The door opens and House enters.] GREG HOUSE: How's our Mental Yentl? "THIRTEEN": MRI shows no sign of clots. fMRI shows no problem areas. GREG HOUSE: Go restart her IV. ERIC FOREMAN: What's wrong with it? GREG HOUSE: Nothing. But like so many procedures we put patients through, it hurts. Which, if she's enjoying it, will show up in pretty colors. "THIRTEEN": [mildly outraged] This is why you wanted an fMRI? GREG HOUSE: It showed she didn't have a blood clot, which is diagnostically relevant. And it can show that she's become a masochist, also diagnostically relevant. And it'll be cool. [Foreman throws him a look.] GREG HOUSE: Either explain which part of my analysis didn't make sense. Or go do it. [Foreman testily removes his ID cards (with magnetic strips) and gets up.] ERIC FOREMAN: It isn't cool. [He walks into the MRI room, while House sits in his place, next to "Thirteen". Foreman goes over to Roz. He looks into the MRI as Roz.] ERIC FOREMAN: Sorry. [He puts his hand over her IV patch. She reacts in pain, but doesn't move much. Her lips are moving, while her eyes are shut. House looks at the monitor, which has a 3-dimensional model of her brain, with different regions highlighted at different intervals.] GREG HOUSE: Heavens. Look at her limbic system. Pleasure centers are lighting up like a Hanukkah Bush. Foreman must have a touch like an elephant. "THIRTEEN": [into microphone] Okay, Roz. We've got what we need. [She gets up and walks into the MRI room. House remains seated.] GREG HOUSE: Yes, it _was_ impressive. [tight smile] [Foreman and "Thirteen" stand on opposite sides of Roz, who still lies on the MRI table, her eyes closed and lips moving rapidly.] "THIRTEEN": Roz. You all right? [Roz opens her eyes and looks at "Thirteen".] ROZ VINER: Oh, sorry. I was praying. "THIRTEEN": All through the procedure? ROZ VINER: No. When Dr. Foreman apologized, I knew something bad was gonna happen. "THIRTEEN": [triumphantly, to House] She was praying. Could explain the brain activity. ["Thirteen" walks into the adjoining room. Roz starts to get up. Just as she sits up and drops her legs off the table, the monitors start beeping wildly. She goes limp. Foreman grabs her, preventing from falling to the floor.] ERIC FOREMAN: BP heart rate are dropping. She's crashing! ["Thirteen" rushes to help. They manage to put Roz on her wheelchair. Just as suddenly as they started beeping, the monitors go silent. The BP, heart rate and SpO2 all climb back to normal. Foreman looks at the monitors in surprise.] ERIC FOREMAN: She's sab. [House goes over to them. Meanwhile, Roz manages to regain consciousness. House looks at Roz and the monitors.] GREG HOUSE: Get her up. [Though reluctant, "Thirteen" and Foreman start to help Roz up off the wheelchair.] GREG HOUSE: All the way up. On her feet. [No sooner do they manage to get her on her feet, than the monitors go wild again and Roz loses consciousness. Foreman and "Thirteen" help her back into the wheelchair. Again, the monitors sab. House watches in interest.] GREG HOUSE: Make her do that again. [Diagnostics Office/Hallway outside. Day. Pushing back the blinds, House peers outside the glass walls, into the hallway. While Kutner stands near the whiteboard, Foreman, "Thirteen" and Taub sit at the glass table.] ERIC FOREMAN: We started her on fludrocortisone and ephedrine. LAWRENCE KUTNER: It's Planet of the Apes. Apes are the humans, humans are the apes. It's Wacky Wednesday, Opposite Day. [The others wonder what he's talking about.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: When you stand up, your BP and heart rate are supposed to go up, not... GREG HOUSE: Got it. [Moving away from the glass wall, he faces his team.] GREG HOUSE: So what causes bloody urine, loss of bladder control, leg pain, altered mental status, and [backwards] pressure-blood in direction-wrong? ERIC FOREMAN: Pheochromocytoma. GREG HOUSE: Low catecholamines in the urine means no pheochromocytoma in the Jewess. "THIRTEEN": Could be systemic sclerosis. GREG HOUSE: [reminding] Mental status! CHRIS TAUB: She was praying. GREG HOUSE: She was in pain. You no longer think she's crazy? CHRIS TAUB: I can... see why she'd be attracted... to that life. GREG HOUSE: [shrugs defeatedly] You drank the Manishewitz-flavored Kool-Aid. CHRIS TAUB: I'm not saying I agree. I'm just saying... GREG HOUSE: That there's a rational basis for the irrational. CHRIS TAUB: They have something we don't have. GREG HOUSE: Imaginary friends. LAWRENCE KUTNER: If the toaster's not working, wiring could be bad. GREG HOUSE: Which debate is that metaphor supposed to help us with? LAWRENCE KUTNER: Electrical problem in the heart. Arrhythmia messes with the blood flow when she stands, causes low BP and heart rate. Could also impact mental status. Everybody's happy. [House hears the elevator ding. Quickly, he parts the blinds and sees Wilson coming out of the elevator. A hospital trustee holds a clipboard out for him to sign.] GREG HOUSE: Run an EP study of her heart. Find where the wiring's verklempt. [He goes outside. Wilson signs the clipboard and hands it back to the trustee, while House limps over. Wilson is not in the mood for House's grouses and rolls his head.] GREG HOUSE: Went by your hotel this morning. They told me you moved out. Moved in with CB? JAMES WILSON: No, apparently, I moved in with you. GREG HOUSE: The very fact that you're resisting my insight proves to me... JAMES WILSON: [interrupts] House, you're right. Why not? Why not date you? I-i-it's brilliant. [House looks around, hoping no one's listening.] JAMES WILSON: We've known each other for years, We've put up with all kinds of crap from each other, and we keep coming back. We're a couple! GREG HOUSE: Are we still speaking metaphorically? JAMES WILSON: Amber is exactly what I need and you would agree if you weren't mired in self-loathing topped with a thin crust of megalomania. GREG HOUSE: Hey. That's my best friend's girl you're talking about. [Pointing at House, Wilson walks away, smiling.] GREG HOUSE: I was wrong. JAMES WILSON: House, you're right. GREG HOUSE: She's not me. Well, she is me. But that's... not why she's attractive. She's a needy version of me. JAMES WILSON: [dryly] Hard to imagine such a mythical creature. GREG HOUSE: You started seeing her right after I fired her. JAMES WILSON: [correcting] I started seeing her four months ago. GREG HOUSE: [shakes his head] She told Kutner it was four weeks. [Wilson exhales sharply and drops his head.] GREG HOUSE: You lied to me. There was money on the line. JAMES WILSON: [defensively] Because I knew how you'd react, and I knew you wouldn't pay me anyway! GREG HOUSE: You knew that I was right. JAMES WILSON: She wasn't needy. She was in a... bad situation. There's a difference. [He walks off-screen towards his office.] GREG HOUSE: Not to your libido. [A short bat later, Wilson walks back on-screen.] JAMES WILSON: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why are you doing this? Every time I agree with you, you find a new argument. What are you trying to avoid? [House glowers at him.] JAMES WILSON: Well, if you'd looked at me with those flashing eyes before I was involved... pfch! [heading towards his office] C'est la vie. And... I use the French because... you're an ass. [He enters his office. House's lip curls upwards.] [PPTH Procedure Room. Day. Kutner runs an EP study of Roz's heart, while Taub looks on.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Right atrium normal, no arrhythmia. You can become a Dar master. Does that require further explanation? CHRIS TAUB: [ignores the jibe] Right ventricle normal. LAWRENCE KUTNER: In college, I was really into science fiction. Not like the guys with the six-hundred-dollar prosthetic ears who could swear in Romulan. That was embarrassing to the rest of us who just thought it was good, smart literature. Went to one convention. By senior year, I was Dar master in the Klingon Empire. CHRIS TAUB: I'm not gonna become Hasidic. I'm not even gonna become slightly more reformed. [sighs] Coronary sinus normal. LAWRENCE KUTNER: You can't have your eyes opened to something and not act on it. CHRIS TAUB: I haven't had my eyes opened. I just... don't think they're crazy anymore. LAWRENCE KUTNER: Then they have something to offer. CHRIS TAUB: She's living proof that sane people can make radical changes. But House, he thinks that he can bully... [Suddenly, Roz speaks, lying on the bed.] ROZ VINER: [Hebrew] No loshon hora. CHRIS TAUB: I'm sorry? LAWRENCE KUTNER: [to Taub] I think she's telling you to stop deflecting. ROZ VINER: [drowsily] No loshon hora. Evil tongue. Gossip. LAWRENCE KUTNER: 'S okay. Thanks to the sedative, you won't remember it. ROZ VINER: Words are permanent. Someday you'll say something that you'll wish you could take back. CHRIS TAUB: [looks at the monitor] Hisbundle's normal. Pathways are all clean. No arrhythmias. LAWRENCE KUTNER: If the toaster doesn't work and the wiring in the house is fine, problem's gotta be in the city's power grid. CHRIS TAUB: Autonomic nerve disorder could be Riley-Day syndrome. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [to Roz] Congratulations on your wedding. [whispering] You have a rare and incurable degenerative disease. [Her eyes remain closed. She doesn't react.] CHRIS TAUB: I'll set up for a thermoregulatory sweat test. ROZ VINER: [incoherently, softly] Bisexual. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [suddenly interested] What? ROZ VINER: I could hear them talking from inside the MRI. LAWRENCE KUTNER: Hear who? [to Taub] I heard the word sex. ROZ VINER: It was interesting. LAWRENCE KUTNER: What was interesting? CHRIS TAUB: Doesn't matter. LAWRENCE KUTNER: We're doctors. We never know what's gonna matter. [hisses] She said sex. CHRIS TAUB: If she wants to tell you when she wakes up... LAWRENCE KUTNER: [smiling] Yeah, these people aren't gonna change you at all. [Taub remains silent.] [Cuddy's Office. Day. Cuddy has her back to the door, collecting some stuff from her table. House barges in.] GREG HOUSE: I need you to sleep with Wilson. [Cuddy frowns a little, not really surprised or offended by the request, considering who it's coming from.] LISA CUDDY: [deadpan] Good morning. GREG HOUSE: He's involved with... an inappropriate woman. LISA CUDDY: His people are sheep-herders and Amber's are... cattlemen? GREG HOUSE: He's combining two of his worst qualities - his love for me and his love for need. [Having collected all the files she needs, she turns to House.] GREG HOUSE: As administrator of this hospital, you have to save your star oncologist. LISA CUDDY: Wish I could help, but as administrator, there are some people in Accounting I'm scheduled to sleep with first. [Flashing a helpless smile at him, she walks out. He rolls his eyes and follows.] GREG HOUSE: Wilson has a pattern with women. He saves them, then he betrays them. Which then causes guilt. Which then causes him to go save somebody else. For example, a hospital bureaucrat nearing forty who has no personal life. I suggest you go braless. LISA CUDDY: I get that "sleep with" is your way of saying I should talk to him? [They reach the elevators. She hits the button.] GREG HOUSE: No. I really mean "sleep with". LISA CUDDY: [smiling] You're not worried this relationship will fail. You're worried it'll succeed. That Wilson will no longer be at your beck and call 24/7. That your best friend will change. GREG HOUSE: [argues] People don't change just because they wish they could. LISA CUDDY: [really enjoying this] And it bugs you that he wishes he could! [comforting] You'll never lose your friend, House. You're the long-distance runner of neediness. [The elevator opens. Looking smug, she enters.] [PPTH, Suana Room. Day. Undergoing a thermoregulatory sweat test, Roz sits upright in the glass chamber, not dressed too modestly. She's covered with an orange powder. Watching her from the other side of a glass window are "Thirteen", Taub and Yonatan.] "THIRTEEN": [explaining to Yonatan] As the chamber heats up, Roz's body temperature should also rise, making her sweat and turning the powder purple. No change in color means no sweating, which means her central nervous system is damaged. YONATAN ARNOFF: [ill-at-ease] I shouldn't see her like this. "THIRTEEN": We could have a diagnosis as soon as she comes out of the chamber. It might be better if you stayed. YONATAN ARNOFF: [turning away] It's disrespectful. I'm sure she imagined the first time her husband would see her bare like this would be... celebrating the marriage? "THIRTEEN": Given the circumstances, I think Roz would sacrifice modesty to have you with her. YONATAN ARNOFF: Please. Don't do that. "THIRTEEN": [confused] What? I-I think it's nice that you're here. I think... YONATAN ARNOFF: You think it's sweet. That I care for her modesty, But that it's archaic and ultimately irrelevant. ["Thirteen" opens hr mouth to explain, but Yonatan keeps speaking.] YONATAN ARNOFF: Our traditions aren't just blind rituals. They... they mean something. They-they have purpose. [A silent bat passes.] YONATAN ARNOFF: I respect my wife. [looking away from Roz] And I respect her body. [The monitors suddenly start beeping. "Thirteen" looks at the results and jumps out of her seat.] "THIRTEEN": Her body temperature's stopped climbing. [Taub scrambles up as "Thirteen" races into the chamber to aid Roz.] YONATAN ARNOFF: What's going on? "THIRTEEN": She's having a seizure! [calling out] Crash cart! [Inside, despite the heat of the sauna, Roz is actually freezing. Her lips are blue, her eyes roll up into her head, as she shivers heavily.] "THIRTEEN": Blankets too! She's freezing! [ICU. Day. Roz lies in a bed, still shivering. She's really pale now.] GREG HOUSE: [vo] She was supposed to sweat and she froze. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [vo] Return to the Planet of the Apes. [Diagnostics Office. Day. House sits in front of the whiteboard, looking at it intently as he speaks. The Fellows and Foreman stand around him.] GREG HOUSE: Hypothermia caused the seizure. What caused the hypothermia? [The whiteboard has two new symptoms - "ORTHOSTATIC HYPOTENSION" and "HYPOTHERMIA" (underlined).] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Could be an infection. "THIRTEEN": Her white blood cell count was fine. LAWRENCE KUTNER: When she was admitted. She coulda picked something up here. ERIC FOREMAN: Complication on a complication? GREG HOUSE: Body's doing the opposite of what it's supposed to. Her body's Wilson. How do we respond to that? ERIC FOREMAN: We accept that he's happy. GREG HOUSE: We do the opposite. "THIRTEEN": So you want us to, what, send the patient home? GREG HOUSE: Infection... means that something's been added to the body, something that should be expelled. What's the opposite of that? LAWRENCE KUTNER: Something missing from the body. Could be an enzyme or a hormone. ERIC FOREMAN: [suggesting] Cortisol. Could be Addison's. GREG HOUSE: It fits. Every symptom. "THIRTEEN": I'll run a cortisol stimulation test. [She leaves, walking past House, who continues to stare at the whiteboard.] [PPTH Pharmacy/Lobby. Day. Wilson stands at the pharmacy, looking at some charts. Cuddy walks up to him, a mischievous smile on her face.] LISA CUDDY: Are you sure she doesn't wanna just take you back to her lair, hang you upside down, and deposit her eggs in you? [He's thrown for about a second, but recovers immediately.] JAMES WILSON: Excellent disguise, House. [He starts to walk away from her, but she follows.] LISA CUDDY: You two are really that serious? [He stops and turns to her.] JAMES WILSON: She's pretty. he's funny. Maybe she's a little more... LISA CUDDY: [suggests] ... evil? JAMES WILSON: [firm] ... aggressive than you'd expect from me. But... I'm happy. Can't I just enjoy what that feels like for a while? LISA CUDDY: How many people have looked at you trustingly while you gave them a fatal prognosis? But you knew it was kinder to tell them the truth. Amber compulsively looks out for number one. You compulsively look out for the person that you're with. Your needs are gonna feed her needs until all that's left is a Wilson chalk outline on the floor. [Wilson is a bit taken aback by the morbidity in her voice and words.] LISA CUDDY: Sorry. [Shaking her head, she leaves. Wilson, still dazed by the conversation, turns.] JAMES WILSON: Wow! [ICU. Day. "Thirteen" enters the room and walks smilingly to Roz's bed. Roz is much better (not freezing anymore). Yonatan sits at her side.] ROZ VINER: That cortisol stuff is great. Does it work on everything? "THIRTEEN": I take it you're feeling better. ROZ VINER: Oh, still weak. But yeah. [Using her stethoscope, "Thirteen" checks Roz's heartbeat. Roz sighs and looks at Yonatan.] ROZ VINER: You must be so tired. You should go home and get some sleep. YONATAN ARNOFF: [encouragingly squeezing her legs] I'll stay. ROZ VINER: I never told you, but you are much better looking than Mrs. Silver led me to expect. YONATAN ARNOFF: She never liked me. When I was eight, I threw up on her shoes at my uncle's wedding. [They chuckle at the funny memory. "Thirteen", however, is not so amused by what she sees on Roz's side.] "THIRTEEN": Your abdomen is little swollen. ROZ VINER: [weakly lifting her head] Mm? YONATAN ARNOFF: Is it serious? "THIRTEEN": It's hard to say. Sometimes it can mean a liver issue. We'll have to test. [Roz sits upright and groans.] ROZ VINER: Oh, oh, dizziness is getting... [The monitors start beeping. Her eyes rolled up again, Roz falls back onto her pillow.] "THIRTEEN": [calling to a nurse] She's going into shock! I need another liter of saline! Type and cross two units! YONATAN ARNOFF: [worried] What's happening to her? ["Thirteen" inserts a needle into the swollen part of Roz's abdomen. Roz groans as the needle penetrates her skin and starts to chant something softly. As "Thirteen" pulls back the syringe plunger, she sees the syringe filling up with blood. She looks up to Yonatan, grimly.] "THIRTEEN": She's bleeding internally. YONATAN ARNOFF: [frightened] She's saying the Sh'ma. She thinks she's dying. [Roz continues praying softly.] [ICU. Day. Dr. Robert Chase points to an MRI (stuck to the lightboard) and speaks to Roz. Yonatan looks nervous.] ROBERT CHASE: The MRI shows you're bleeding internally, but not where it's coming from. The blood can only keep you sab for so long. Our best option is to open you up and search. YONATAN ARNOFF: [hopeful] But you can fix it? ROBERT CHASE: If we find the leak. ROZ VINER: You find the bleeding, you find the disease? ROBERT CHASE: No. But it could keep you alive long enough so Dr. House can find what's wrong with you. [A bat passes, as Chase and Yonatan look at Roz, waiting for her answer.] ROZ VINER: [shaking her head, small voice] No. [Chase and Yonatan are surprised.] ROZ VINER: I don't wanna have the surgery. ROBERT CHASE: It's the only chance you've got. ROZ VINER: I don't wanna have the surgery until after sunset. [to Yonatan] I'm probably gonna die anyway. I just wanna share one Shabbat with my husband. [Fighting back tears, Yonatan leans over to Roz and whispers to her.] YONATAN ARNOFF: Roz, please. The Torah commands us to preserve life. ROZ VINER: I've waited thirty-eight years to find what I wanted. I can wait another eight hours. [nods] I'll leave the rest to God, okay? [Yonatan closes his eyes and sighs in resignation. Roz nods encouragingly at him. Chase watches.] [Diagnostics Office. Day. Chase explains the situation to House, Foreman and the Fellows.] ROBERT CHASE: I had a Rabbi call. She's adamant. GREG HOUSE: She's not a masochist, she's suicidal. [sarcastically] Nice work, Chase. ROBERT CHASE: [deadpan] Yeah... I should have had twin Rabbis call. Can I go? GREG HOUSE: We need you. [Chase seems surprised by House's words.] GREG HOUSE: So, instead of a few days, we now have a few hours to figure this out. [again] Nice work, Chase. ROBERT CHASE: Why do you need me? GREG HOUSE: Saying, "nice work, Chase" when you're not here is pointless. [Chase smiles wryly and starts to walk out.] GREG HOUSE: Seriously, we need you. [Chase walks out anyway.] "THIRTEEN": We should X-ray for malformations of the rib that could cause arterial twisting. GREG HOUSE: Malformations don't cause bloody urine. CHRIS TAUB: She's not suicidal. She made a commitment to a new life with her husband and she wants one meaningful experience in that life. ERIC FOREMAN: She just met the guy. LAWRENCE KUTNER: Taub just met her and he's already so in love, he's ready to let her die and take her back to the home planet for a burial in the lava sea of Tormiac. [Taub looks heavenward in frustration and sht Kutner a look, before speaking.] CHRIS TAUB: It's who he might be. She's connecting with all the years she's not gonna have. GREG HOUSE: Better way of connecting to those years is to actually have them. [Chase opens the door and stands there.] ROBERT CHASE: You want more time? [He enters.] ROBERT CHASE: Joshua got God to make the sun stand still. No reason God can't speed it up. And, by God, I, of course, mean you. GREG HOUSE: Told you we needed you. [ICU. Day. Taub and Foreman stand at Roz's bedside, while two nurses stand on the other stand, preparing to lift her off.] CHRIS TAUB: It's sundown, Roz. ERIC FOREMAN: We're taking you back to your room for your candlelight dinner. [to the others] Ready? One, two, three. [They all lift her off the bed and place her onto a gurney.] [PPTH Hallway. Day. Foreman, Taub and a male nurse wheel Roz towards her room.] ROZ VINER: It's too early. CHRIS TAUB: Your sense of time is off because of the medication. [They pass by an office, where grey sheets of paper have been plastered over the window. One of the sheets (losing adhesive) bends outward, letting in a beam of bright light inside. It's nowhere close to sundown.] [Roz's Room. Day. As traditional Jewish music plays in the background, Roz is wheeled inside, where Yonatan awaits her, a Torah in his hand. A makeshift Shabbat table, near the bed, is set, holding to covered challahs (braided bread), a kiddush cup and two candles. Roz's gurney is brought close to the bed.] YONATAN ARNOFF: [greeting] Good Shabbos, Roz. [Roz looks at him weakly.] CHRIS TAUB: [whispers to Yonatan] So you pray, scarf down some challah, then we can do this? [Yonatan gives him a miffed look. Foreman watches silently. Roz closes her eyes.] [Diagnostics Office. Day. House sits at the glass table, still staring at the whiteboard. The door opens and Amber (in street clothes) walks inside. She stands in front of the whiteboard and puts her arms on her hips.] AMBER VOLAKIS: You wanted to see me? GREG HOUSE: And you came. AMBER VOLAKIS: I feel pretty confident it'll be something interesting. GREG HOUSE: [looking at the 'board] Solve this case and the job is yours. AMBER VOLAKIS: Is there a "Drop Wilson" clause attached to this? GREG HOUSE: Standard contract all employees sign. [She nods slowly and pulls out a chair and sits. She looks House in his eyes.] AMBER VOLAKIS: Why do you have to believe I have an ulterior motive? GREG HOUSE: For the same reason I believe that crack whores can have sex... for crack. AMBER VOLAKIS: [leaning forward, sincerely] All my life I thought I had to choose between love and... respect. And I chose respect. And with Wilson... I know what it's like to have both. [bat] And that beats a fellowship. [She stands. As she places the chair back under the table, she looks at the whiteboard. Taking a long look, she walks towards the door. House watches her go and looks back at the 'board. At the door, Amber turns around.] AMBER VOLAKIS: Could be DIC. [She looks at House, expectantly. House considers it awhile.] GREG HOUSE: You've changed. AMBER VOLAKIS: I hope so. GREG HOUSE: Normal platelet count rules out DIC. Good try though. [She smiles sportingly at him and walks off. He looks back the board.] [Aerial View of PPTH. Day.] YONATAN ARNOFF: [singing] Eishes chayil mi yimtza... [Roz's Room. Day. As he recites the Eshet Chayil, Yonatan lights a candle. "Thirteen" stands beside Roz, her head bowed and hands clasped in respect.] YONATAN ARNOFF: ... ve-rachok mi-peninim michrah. Batach bah leiv ba'alah ve-shalal lo yech'sar. Gemalas'hu tov ve-lo ra kol yemei chayeha. [Roz listens, stifling sobs and trying to smile.] [Diagnostics Office. Day. The recital is heard in the background, as House looks outside the window, morosely.] YONATAN ARNOFF: [vo] Dar'eshah tzemer u'fishtim... [The recital fades out as Kutner enters, carrying a medical textbook.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: I read that a hydatid cyst could... GREG HOUSE: Would affect the lungs, not the bladder. [Foreman and Taub enter.] ERIC FOREMAN: Tested her white cell count again. Normal. LAWRENCE KUTNER: How long till we get to cut her open? LAWRENCE KUTNER: When I left, he was still singing Eshet-something. GREG HOUSE: The husband's blessing of his wife. He calls her Eshet Chayil. FLASHBACK: [Roz's Wedding. Roz sits in her wedding dress.] GREG HOUSE: [vo] "Woman of valor". "Strength and honor are her clothing. She laughs at the future"... RESUME. GREG HOUSE: ... because she's an idiot. CHRIS TAUB: [quick guess] Volvulus of the small intestine could cause bleeding. GREG HOUSE: She woulda had constipation. Her value isn't "beyond pearls" either. 'Cause dad people have no value. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [sht in the dark] Polycythemia vera. GREG HOUSE: [sh*ting his sht down] RBC count would be higher. [Roz's Room. Day. The candles are placed in front of Roz. She speaks to "Thirteen".] ROZ VINER: I need to bring the light to my face. [Since she's too weak to lift her own arms, "Thirteen" and Yonatan pick up her arms and slowly pass them in front of her face and back as part of the ritual. LAWRENCE KUTNER: [vo] Thrombocytopenia. If it's autoimmune... ERIC FOREMAN: [vo] Titers were normal. [Diagnostics Office. Day. The men sit despondently, wondering what the ailment could be.] LAWRENCE KUTNER: Parkinson's would explain the hypothermia. GREG HOUSE: Not the bloody urine. Woman's not just a masochist, she's a hypocrite. [Roz's Room. Day. Roz holds her hands over her eyes and prays silently.] GREG HOUSE: [vo] The commandment to preserve life comes before all others. [Diagnostics Office. Day. The debate continues...] CHRIS TAUB: Actually, it means she's not a masochist. She's not following all the rules, just the ones that please her. GREG HOUSE: [frustrated] Right, she walked in crazy and explained how ritual trumps living, and you decide it's a beautiful lifestyle. CHRIS TAUB: [calm] I know. She's wrong. FLASHBACK: [Roz's Wedding. As part of the ritual, Yonatan takes a sip of water, as does Roz.] CHRIS TAUB: But if there's nothing more... [Roz's Room. Day. Yonatan puts the kiddush cup to Roz's mouth. Roz feebly takes a sip.] GREG HOUSE: [vo] Then the only meaning is here. CHRIS TAUB: [vo] But if she thinks God is there for her. [Yonatan and "Thirteen" nod at each other.] [Diagnostics Office. Day. Taub speaks.] CHRIS TAUB: If she lives her life believing that God is there... GREG HOUSE: [grimly] Then she dies. [A silent b*at passes.] GREG HOUSE: Things aren't where we want them to be just 'cause we want them to be there. [And then it hits him!] GREG HOUSE: 'Course, that doesn't mean they're where they should be. [PPTH Hallway. Day. House bursts through a door and sees Roz being wheeled back to the ICU, by "Thirteen", Yonatan and a male nurse. He shouts.] GREG HOUSE: Hey! Stop that Jew! [He limps up to them. Roz turns to look at him.] GREG HOUSE: Chase hates working on Shabbos. Gonna make this easier for him. Stand her up. "THIRTEEN": She doesn't do so well on her feet. [House hands his cane to the male nurse.] GREG HOUSE: Neither do I. Stand her up. [Yonatan looks confused. "Thirteen" reluctantly prepares to stand Roz up. They remove the gurney railing and take the blanket off Roz. House limps over to the side, where Roz is helped up. "Thirteen" and Yonatan hold Roz tightly as she sits up weakly. Almost immediately, the monitors start to beep and Roz goes limp. House motions for "Thirteen" to let go, so he can hold her up.] GREG HOUSE: You can tell all the ladies at the Mikvah about this. [House clutches right side of Roz's abdomen (which is swollen) and pushes upward. Immediately, the monitors stop beeping and Roz regains consciousness. Surprised, she looks at House.] ROZ VINER: What did you do? [House lets go of her abdomen. With a groan, she goes limp again and the monitors beep.] YONATAN ARNOFF: What are you doing? [House applies pressure to her right side again and she's okay once again. He beckons "Thirteen".] GREG HOUSE: Put your hand here. Press hard. ["Thirteen", a bit confused, complies. She holds Roz's right side and looks shocked at what she feels. They help Roz back onto the gurney.] GREG HOUSE: You have nephroptosis. Also known as "floating kidney". [collecting his cane from the nurse] The kidney's like a chandelier. [Zoom into Roz's right side. The right kidney is hanging loose and moving back and forth.] GREG HOUSE: [vo] It's attached to a ceiling of intestines and blood vessels. But your contractor - think you know who he is - he hung it with a cheap chain. It's been hanging sloppy for years. [The kidney stops moving.] FLASHBACK: [Roz's wedding. She's hoisted up on a chair and rocked up and down.] GREG HOUSE: [vo] Finally something shook it loose. RESUME. GREG HOUSE: After that, every time you stood, your kidney dropped a few centimeters, caused all your symptoms. "THIRTEEN": None of the scans picked it up. GREG HOUSE: Because we do scans with patients lying down. She'd've been lying down in surgery too. We would never have found it. Good chance she'd never come out. YONATAN ARNOFF: [hopeful] She'll be all right? GREG HOUSE: Ultrasound to confirm, then tell Chase to put the kidney back on the shelf. The bleed will be nearby. ROZ VINER: That's... it? GREG HOUSE: Mazel tov. [An ecstatic Yonatan kisses Roz on the forehead.] GREG HOUSE: Couple hours surgery, you'll be ready to push out those fourteen children. [Roz wheezes out a relieved laugh. She looks at Yonatan, who is equally relieved. House turns to "Thirteen".] GREG HOUSE: You do it both ways, right? ["Thirteen" looks wide-eyed at House.] "THIRTEEN": What? GREG HOUSE: [quickly] The ultrasound. You do it standing up and lying down. ["Thirteen" has an absolutely befuddled look on her face.] GREG HOUSE: [innocently] What else would I mean? [Still bemused, she starts to move off, but not before House can give her a knowing wink. She accompanies the others as they wheel Roz to the OR. House smiles slyly.] [Wilson's Office. Night. At his desk, Wilson buttons his sleeve, when the door opens. House stands at the door-jamb.] GREG HOUSE: [sucks in air] I've decided you could do worse than a female proxy for me. [His message given, he closes the door and walks off. Wilson stands transfixed.] [PPTH Lobby. Day. The elevator door opens and House, on his way out, limps towards the door. Behind him, Wilson comes bounding down the stairs.] JAMES WILSON: So you're going to acknowledge that people can change? GREG HOUSE: No. JAMES WILSON: You think I've changed or Amber's changed? GREG HOUSE: Nope. [House stops at the Nurse Station to look at something.] JAMES WILSON: [pointing at House] Then you've changed. GREG HOUSE: If you do change, can it be the part of you that chases me down halls, trying to change me? [House resumes walking, Wilson accompanying him.] JAMES WILSON: [flabbergasted] Do you know what this means? GREG HOUSE: That you made one good dating choice. The fabric of the space/time continuum could unravel. [House and Wilson walk out the hospital doors into the cold night. They stand outside.] JAMES WILSON: My world could expand. I could form a long-term connection that isn't with you. And since you put the darkest possible construction on everything, you could end up losing a friend. You've thought of all this. [House doesn't answer.] JAMES WILSON: And yet you're going along with it. [shivers a bit] Are you being... self-sacrificing? GREG HOUSE: I'll sacrifice... a lab rat. I'll sacrifice a fly. I'll sacrifice two hundred on a mudder at Monmouth Park. I don't sacrifice self. [Wilson nods.] GREG HOUSE: Shabbat Shalom, Wilson. [He walks off.] JAMES WILSON: Shabbat Shalom, House. [With a wide smile, Wilson turns to walk back inside.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x12 - Don't Ever Change"}	foreverdreaming
[Opens at a picket line for a nurses strike outside PPTH, a nurse, Deb Tallridge, is walking the picket line with her husband Jeff] DEB: Who ever thought walking in a circle at two miles an hour would be draining? JEFF: [Smiles] Fresh air, exercise. DEB: You know, some things do have their negative sides. Our income just got cut in half. JEFF: And we get to spend twice as much time together. DEB: More, if you don't leave before your lunch hour's over. [Jeff laughs.] [A delivery man walks up with some boxes on a trolley.] DELIVERY MAN: Out of my way. DEB: We have a legal right to hold you up for 15 seconds. 15... 14... DELIVERY MAN: One? DEB: 11, 10... [The delivery man rams into her with his trolley.] Ow! DELIVERY MAN: Just trying to do my job. JEFF: Hey, relax, three more seconds and you can go. DELIVERY MAN: [To Jeff] Are you telling me what to do? JEFF: It's okay. Just take a breath. [Hugs the Delivery man.] DELIVERY MAN: [Pushes Jeff away.] Get the hell off me. JEFF: I think it's been 15. [He gets a blank look on his face and his eyes roll back into his head.] DEB: You okay? [Screen goes white and we hear Jeff fall to the ground.] Oh, my god, Jeff! [Opening credits.] [Cut to House walking into ER, which is very busy with doctors and patients all over the place.] HOUSE: The place is a mess. CAMERON: Welcome to a world without nurses. [Hands House some files.] Here, you can start with these. HOUSE: [Doesn't take them.] It's not my fault, I don't use nurses. CAMERON: Cuddy was looking for you, said she'd send you down here. HOUSE: I know, that's why I'm here. [Goes and sits down.] CAMERON: Because Cuddy hasn't found you yet. [Shakes her head and goes to look after a patient.] HOUSE: She's going to look everywhere except the place she wants me to be. [Puts his feet up and starts to read a magazine. Glances over at Jeff who is sitting on the end of his bed smiling.] [To Cameron.] Hey. CAMERON: I've got an aortic dissection here. HOUSE: What's with the idiot? CAMERON: Ah.. [Picks up his file.] Fainting spell and recent history of dysgeusia. Everything tastes like lemon meringue pie. You want to take him? HOUSE: No. [Cameron makes an 'of course' gesture and goes back to what she was doing.] [To Jeff.] Sir. Why do you have two lunches in front of you? JEFF: Been here for two meals. HOUSE: And you're happy with that? JEFF: [Shrugs.] No, I just don't see much use in complaining. HOUSE: Seriously? It's a very useful tool. [Gets up and walks over to him.] Complain, you make people miserable. They do what you want to make the misery go away. DEB: [Appears from nowhere beside Jeff.] We probably should say something. Maybe I can call one of the doctors I work with... JEFF: [Pats her hand.] They're doing their best. [They smile at each other. House stamps his cane on Jeff's foot.] Ow! DEB: What the hell? JEFF: [Still smiling.] I'm sure it was an accident. HOUSE: [To Cameron.] Is he Canadian? CAMERON: Uh, he's a low priority... HOUSE: Is that a yes? DEB: He's just... HOUSE: Happy. [Jeff smiles.] I've got to stop this before it spreads. [House whistles. Taub, Kutner, Thirteen and Cameron all look towards House.] You guys are done. [Taub, Kutner and Thirteen start walking over, Cameron looks annoyed.] [Cut to House writing on the whiteboard in the diagnostics office. Up the top is a smiley face, then dysgeusia, syncope and in really big letters - NICENESS] HOUSE: Could be a metabolic disorder, toxic exposure, carcinoma of the tongue metastasized to the brain, Epilepsy, MS… TAUB: Or it could be the flu, and we should all be back in the ER. THIRTEEN: [Sarcastically] No, you're ignoring the big symptom. [To House.] What if we're looking at both the flu and decent parenting? HOUSE: Okay, you two are perfectly healthy. This guy wasn't pandering, he wasn't vanilla nice, he was nice without any aspiration for personal gain. I'm thinking genetic defect. KUTNER: [Laughs.] Niceness is a defect? HOUSE: Three cavemen, see a stranger running towards them with a spear. One fights, one flees, one smiles and invites him over for fondue. That last guy didn't last long enough to procreate. FOREMAN: And how long has the patient been... suffering? HOUSE: At least as long as his wife has known him, 11 years. FOREMAN: The chances of him having an undiagnosed pathology for that long... HOUSE: What are you saying? That evolution is wrong? [Scoffs.] Where do you think we are, 21st Century America? KUTNER: He's saying that statistics are true too. That the world is a bell curve, most of us fall within the standard deviation, but there are outliers. And if we believe in the existence of extreme jerkiness, which I suspect that we do... [Pauses and looks at House, who glares back.] Then we also have to accept the existence of the opposite extreme. FOREMAN: You want it to be a symptom because then we're supposed to be jerks, which means you don't even have to try to be nice. HOUSE: Okay, maybe I'm biased, let's take a vote. Who thinks that niceness is not a symptom? [Everyone puts up their hand.] And who thinks that their vote counts? [House puts up his hand.] You two [Points to Foreman and Kutner] check out his home for toxins. Taub and Thirty-One... THIRTEEN: Thirty-One? HOUSE: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that either way was good with you. Taub and Thirteen, MRI for tumors and EEG for nerve damage. Test whatever comes out of him for everything else. [Cut to House bowling with Chase. House bowls his ball at the 3 pins that are left and hits 2 of them.] CHASE: Too much axis tilt. [House turns back to look at him.] Don't release until your thumb's at the bottom of the ball. [Chase gets ready to bowl, he has a glove on one hand.] I assume Wilson was busy. HOUSE: Again. CHASE: [Bowls a strike. Turns around and smiles at House.] No axis tilt. [House pops a pill.] With Amber? HOUSE: Again. [Washes the pill down with some beer.] CHASE: Still, it was nice of you to invite me, this is fun. HOUSE: No, it wasn't. No, it isn't. I didn't invite you to be nice, I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves. CHASE: What's the second thing? HOUSE: Other hand. [Bowls a gutter ball.] CHASE: Well if people are incapable of being nice, why bother having the word? HOUSE: Ah, the ontological proof of niceness. The existence of the word proves the existence of the concept. Look out for those minotaurs on your drive home. CHASE: I thought motives didn't matter, only results mattered. So what are you going to do to screw up Wilson's relationship so you don't have to listen to me while you bowl? HOUSE: I wish the best for them and their tragically deformed children. [Bowls his second sht but we don't see the result, House doesn’t look too pleased though] CHASE: Well, she's good... At being bad. You might not be able to destroy her. HOUSE: Well as long as I give it my best sht, I can hold my head high. CHASE: Cameron had this one insufferable friend. She wasn't going to get rid of her and I sure wasn't going to join them, so I just said, see her on Thursday's. I know it's not as exciting as an exploding birthday cake, but, hell, I don't want to hang out with her every night anyway. HOUSE: That's amazing. Cameron only has one insufferable friend? [Chase bowls another strike. Turns around and House is gone.] [Cut to House standing in front of Amber in her apartment. Wilson is at the dining table reading the paper, trying not to get involved.] HOUSE: Joint custody. AMBER: Of Wilson? HOUSE: Unless we have another love child? AMBER: [Looks at Wilson] Deal with him. HOUSE: He needs a mother figure. I'm not saying you're not entitled to spend time with him, I'm just saying I'm entitled too. [Amber looks at Wilson again.] WILSON: I don't know how to deal with him when he's being reasonable. AMBER: This is reasonable? This is crazy. You're not a child, you can make your own plans. WILSON: No, crazy is what House would normally do in this situation... Swap your lubricant with superglue. HOUSE: The man knows me. WILSON: This is his way of accepting us. HOUSE: It's actually a very touching moment. I'm proposing I get every other day and every other weekend. AMBER: I have yoga Wednesday's, you can have him then. But you have to have him home by 11. [House looks at Wilson who doesn't look up from his paper.] We can swap weekends. HOUSE: Monday's and Wednesday's, and midnight. AMBER: If he's not home till midnight, we won't be asleep till almost 2:00. HOUSE: Wilson? Make a ruling. WILSON: [Laughs.] Uh no. You two are like dogs circling each other in the park. [Looks at Amber.] And I say that with all the love in the world. You need to sniff each other's butts, bare your teeth, and arrive at some strange detente. Otherwise, you'll end up biting each other's eyes out. Again, with all the love in the world. HOUSE: I'll let you sniff first. AMBER: Take my deal, or get out of my apartment. HOUSE: Take my deal, or I move in. [Sits down.] [Cut to Foreman and Kutner going through Jeff's stuff.] FOREMAN: [Looking at a photo.] This guy worked for habitat for humanity in Costa Rica. KUTNER: And coaches handicapped kids. You think we should do a workup on the other coaches? FOREMAN: It is possible he's too perfect. KUTNER: I'm not saying he's perfect, I'm saying he's trying to be. That's what people do. [Foreman stares at him.] What? FOREMAN: That's not what people do. KUTNER: People usually suck, but they want to be good, want to be nice. FOREMAN: House? KUTNER: [Shrugs.] Exception that proves the rule. FOREMAN: What sort of argument is that? KUTNER: A bad one. FOREMAN: [Opens up a cupboard.] That might be relevant. [Picks up a bottle.] Hydrofluoric acid. Lowers his calcium, causes the fainting and taste issue. KUTNER: But not the niceness. FOREMAN: Wouldn't that be nice? [Cut to House, Amber and Wilson in Cuddy's office, Wilson is standing at the back eating chips.] HOUSE: [To Cuddy.] You are King Solomon. If you want us to cut him in half, we're cool with that. AMBER: My boyfriend's too much of a wuss to make the call for himself... [Turns around to Wilson.] And I mean that with all the love in the world. WILSON: I'm gonna piss off one of them, and they both scare me. [Motions for Cuddy to make the call.] CUDDY: [Looks at House and then gets up and takes a file out of the cupboard. Sits back down and starts reading it to House.] Your treatment of patients is reprehensible. [House rolls his eyes.] WILSON: You're reading his performance review? CUDDY: [Snaps at him] I'm busy. We have a nurses' strike! [Wilson backs off, Cuddy goes back to reading the review.] Your management of employees borders on abuse. AMBER: [Turns to Wilson.] Let's go. WILSON: [Looks disappointed.] No, I... I want to hear it. CUDDY: You are overtly contemptuous of hospital hierarchy. HOUSE: And covertly. [Cuddy looks at him.] But I suppose you didn't know about that. CUDDY: Your attitude towards supervisory personnel is disrespectful, and a disturbingly large proportion of your comments are rcist or sexist. HOUSE: That top makes you look like an Afghani prosttute... Would be an example of that. CUDDY: Sign this. [Hands file to House.] KUTNER: [Comes barging in.] House, I got the... HOUSE: It can wait. [To Cuddy,] I will sign, if you will give us a ruling. CUDDY: I will give you a ruling, if you do the reviews on your team. [Kutner shuts the door behind him and takes one of Wilson's chips.] HOUSE: I'd be happy to continue the mockery of this process. [Sign's the review.] CUDDY: [To Amber.] What'd you offer him? AMBER: Wednesday's till 11:00 and alternate weekends. CUDDY: [To House.] Wednesday's till 11:00 and alternate weekends. HOUSE: Yes. Wednesday nights are ladies' nights at Cheetah's. [Cut to House and Kutner walking down the hallway.] KUTNER: Calcium's normal. HOUSE: Wow. It really could wait. KUTNER: Everything's normal. HOUSE: And you thought it wouldn't be. KUTNER: He's a carpet cleaner, he's got a home full of hydrofluoric acid. HOUSE: Doesn't mean his calcium should be low. KUTNER: Yeah, actually it kinda does, HF causes lower levels of... HOUSE: LowER, not low. KUTNER: Lower than normal. HOUSE: Lower than yesterday. Yesterday might have been high, what's lower than high? KUTNER: He actually has hypercalcemia, which is being lowered to normal by the HF. HOUSE: So what gives us elevated calcium, bad taste, and fainting? KUTNER: I take it you know? HOUSE: Get the team. This is going to be fun. [House walks off.] [Cut to House entering Jeff's room followed by Taub, Kutner and Thirteen.] HOUSE: Hello, again. These people think you are not too nice. JEFF: Too nice? For what? HOUSE: For life as we know it to have evolved without an intelligent designer. I'm going to prove them wrong. Your wife... is very ugly. DEB: [Stands up.] Get out of here. JEFF: Deb. He's obviously trying to prove a point. HOUSE: I think I just did. You're either perfect or you're sick. In my experience sick is much more common. DEB: He's not sick, he's nice. HOUSE: Nice in the sense that your toaster is nice for making you breakfast. It's the only thing his wiring will let him do. [To Taub, Kutner and Thirteen.] He has William's syndrome. [Back to Deb.] Your husband is missing the genes that make him suspicious. DEB: You're wrong, he's… HOUSE: Relax, there's no cure. He's going to go right on tasting lemon meringue pie, fainting, and being a sap. TAUB: What about the other symptoms? HOUSE: He has no other symptoms. TAUB: But William's does. HOUSE: He's got the teeth, glasses. TAUB: William's cuts IQ by 20... HOUSE: He doesn't work in the physics department. Except when they spill a black hole on their carpet. THIRTEEN: Elfin appearance? HOUSE: Yeah, he's more legolas than Keebler, but I bet you he can still crack off a batch of Pecan Sandies. KUTNER: Perfect pitch? HOUSE: [To Jeff.] You love to karaoke, right? JEFF: [Laughs.] I suck. HOUSE: Modest, another symptom... DEB: No, he really does suck. HOUSE: Give us a warble. You know any Cher? JEFF: No, but I know bread. [Looks at Deb, starts to sing, badly.] Baby I'm a want you, baby I'm a need you, you're the only one I care enough to heard about... [Trails off, suddenly he can't seem to form the words anymore.] DEB: What's the matter? THIRTEEN: He's stroking. [Taub, Kutner, and Thirteen all rush over, put the bed down, flashlight in the eyes, the usual medical stuff.] HOUSE: Not a moment too soon. [Cut to House staring at the whiteboard in the Diagnostics office, which now has a new symptom on it – Stroke.] TAUB: You were wrong. HOUSE: Why do people say that with such pleasure? It's very hurtful, you know? THIRTEEN: It means the patient gets to keep being nice. Why does that offend you? HOUSE: It's the way he said it. He wasn't relieved, he was excited. [Very happily.] He was also wrong, and I say that with no sense of pleasure. KUTNER: Patient tested negative for William's, which means the stroke and everything else wasn't caused by... HOUSE: You. [Points at Kutner.] Have a friendly demeanor, but you sometimes get too involved. You relate well to your peers and patients and you complete tasks in a timely manner. [Grabs a piece of paper and puts it in front of Kutner.] Please sign. FOREMAN: What the hell was that? HOUSE: I have to give each of you performance reviews. [Kutner looks at the paper, still a little shocked.] Plenty of other conditions can cause debilitating niceness. FOREMAN: How is that supposed to help him? HOUSE: I don't know. How's it supposed to help Wilson? [To Kutner.] Cross out Wilson's name and the date, and then fill in your own... FOREMAN: The point of a review is to give feedback to help... HOUSE: I'm thinking neurosyphilis. Wouldn't show up on the MRI without contrast. [Looks at Kutner.] KUTNER: [Looks up from the review he has just been given.] I'll go run the tests. [Taub, Kutner and Thirteen all leave.] FOREMAN: He doesn't think it's syphilis, but he's going to go run those tests anyway. HOUSE: Because he doesn't know. That's why we do tests. FOREMAN: Because he's a wimp, because he's afraid of you. HOUSE: You want me to intimidate him into not being afraid? Not sure I know how to do that. FOREMAN: Reviews make a difference. People have to listen, so they have to learn. HOUSE: I don't think that the right time to tell the dog not to pee on the rug is semi-annually. FOREMAN: You don't want to do the paperwork. HOUSE: I am concerned about the rainforest. FOREMAN: [Sighs.] I'll do it. HOUSE: I know. [Walks to his office.] [Cut to Kutner in Jeff's room.] JEFF: I don't have syphilis. KUTNER: You don't know. JEFF: How many ways are there to get it? KUTNER: You can know who you had sex with. You can't know who she... JEFF: I do. KUTNER: Not for sure. JEFF: It's a waste of time. I had a stroke, you can't keep wasting time. We were tested for the Peace Corps. KUTNER: Ten years ago. You haven't been with your wife every minute of every day. JEFF: You think I'm naive, don't you? KUTNER: I think you're... Yeah. JEFF: I know my wife. KUTNER: She's not perfect. JEFF: [Laughs.] I'm not perfect. But she loves me, and she's always loved me. Every minute, every day. [Cut to House playing the piano in his apartment. There's a knock on his door.] HOUSE: [Gets up to open the door.] You're 15 minutes late! [House opens the door and its some Guy in a suit standing there.] GUY: Have you heard the good news? HOUSE: [Looks confused.] Miley Cyrus is playing a third night at the spectrum? GUY: [Holds up a book.] Happiness is possible. [Amber and Wilson arrive.] And not just in this life, but in the next... HOUSE: Oh, you're selling religion. I'm sorry, I bought some Islam yesterday. [Lets Amber and Wilson in.] GUY: Well, it's where your light shows signs before mending... [House shuts the door in his face.] Have a good evening. HOUSE: You're late. AMBER: 15 minutes. HOUSE: 16 minutes, MY 16 minutes. AMBER: So keep him an extra 16 minutes. HOUSE: [To Wilson.] You hear that? She doesn't care. AMBER: You're going mini golfing, what's it matter? You got a tee off time? HOUSE: It matters because you don't get to decide what matters. WILSON: It was my fault, I had to take a shower. AMBER: Which was my fault. HOUSE: [Rolls his eyes.] I had to take a dump. Anything else I don't need to know before you leave? [Opens the door.] AMBER: [Kisses Wilson good bye.] Have fun on your play date. [As she's leaving.] You've got mummy's numbers, right? HOUSE: [Shuts the door and looks at Wilson.] Daddy needs a drink. [Walks off to get one, Wilson laughs.] [Cut to Foreman in House's office sitting in House's chair. Thirteen walks in.] THIRTEEN: I was thinking, if we discount the niceness issue... FOREMAN: Sit down. THIRTEEN: [Sits down.] I think it's a heart defect. FOREMAN: Nothing on the echo. THIRTEEN: Could be a Patent Foramen Ovale. It explains the stroke, and the syncope, and a PFO wouldn't show up on a routine echo. I'm gonna do a bubble test. [Gets up to leave.] FOREMAN: You got a minute first? THIRTEEN: [Sits back down.] Sure. FOREMAN: I think you've shown remarkable strength in a difficult situation. [Opens a file.] THIRTEEN: Are you giving me a performance review? FOREMAN: A good one. THIRTEEN: I'm gonna do a bubble test. [Starts to leave as Kutner walks in but stays to hear what he has to say.] KUTNER: There was enough blood left over from his admission work up to run the VDRL. FOREMAN: You doubted your patient. KUTNER: No, what I thought didn't matter. House said he wouldn't let us go on until we ruled out neurosyphilis. FOREMAN: It's not neurosyphilis, it's a PFO. KUTNER: It's neurosyphilis. The tests were positive. [Cut to Taub pretending to read a paper while talking to Thirteen at the nurses station.] TAUB: It's always the same conversation. They tell you, you must be mistaken, which is why I always run the tests twice, and then they blame the other guy. Which makes sense if they're innocent, but obviously, half of them aren't. They don't seem to get that they're busted. Scientifically proven. THIRTEEN: Unless your spouse cheated too. TAUB: Exactly. That's what you're praying for in that moment. That she cheated too. And then if she doesn't kll you, you know that she did, you know she betrayed you. And then, you realise that that sucks worse. [Cut to Kutner giving the news to Jeff.] JEFF: The test must be wrong. KUTNER: I ran it twice. JEFF: Not that test, the one I took ten years ago. [Looks at Deb, then back at Kutner.] What other explanation is there? [Kutner leaves the room and motions for Deb to follow. She does so.] DEB: He really sees no other possibility. KUTNER: Did you have an affair? DEB: No. KUTNER: Then why aren't you angry with him? DEB: You ever know anybody who's just too nice? KUTNER: No. DEB: It's annoying. Then you realise it's annoying because they remind you of what you are not. That you'll never be as good as they are. And then you think, why can't I? And before you know it, that naive idiot you laughed at has made you a better person. [Holding back tears.] You really think I've been in love all these years with a symptom? KUTNER: If syphilis caused lesions in his brain, and the lesions caused personality changes, you may notice a change in him as his condition improves. DEB: I know my husband. He's not going to change. KUTNER: You should get yourself tested. [Leaves.] [Cut to Kutner, Taub and Foreman in the cafeteria.] KUTNER: So much for the bell curve. How can House be an ass without it being an illness, but niceness is a biological crime? TAUB: You got five bucks? KUTNER: Uh, yeah. [Hands him five bucks.] TAUB: [Putting it in his pocket.] Niceness just cost you five bucks. Being an ass generally turns a profit. FOREMAN: [Laughs.] Kutner, could you excuse us? I need to do Taub's review. TAUB: You can stay. FOREMAN: I think it would be better if this was done privately. TAUB: This isn't going to be done. FOREMAN: What is it with you guys? I've given you advice before. TAUB: Not as our boss. FOREMAN: What's the difference? Advice is advice. TAUB: Fair enough, I'll go first. [Clears his throat, pretends to read off a sheet of paper.] You demonstrate a great air of confidence, which is really pissing me off. FOREMAN: House authorized me... TAUB: How long have you known him? He's using you. FOREMAN: I volunteered because I knew he wouldn't... TAUB: He could care less about the paperwork. He's using you to screw with you. He knows it'll annoy us, we'll stand up to you, which will force you to confront the fact that even though you think you're our superior, you're no different from us. He gave you authority to keep you in your place. KUTNER: It's true. FOREMAN: Thanks. KUTNER: Not him, what'd he say? TAUB: Nothing, what's true? KUTNER: If there's something wrong with this guy, it means there's something wrong with House. [Leaves.] [Cut to House and Wilson at a bar. Wilson has barely finished the drink he is drinking when House gets another put in front of him. Meanwhile House is drinking coffee.] WILSON: [Slurring somewhat.] Are you trying to get me drunk? [House smiles, Wilson laughs.] What time is it? HOUSE: 10:30. WILSON: Ooh... She'll kll you. HOUSE: I'll get you home before lights out. [Pushes the drink closer to Wilson who takes it.] WILSON: Great, then she'll kll me. If I get, if I get any more drunk, then I'm... It... Might not work. If you, uh, know what I mean. HOUSE: Really? You'd think that one or more of your ex wives would have mentioned that to me. WILSON: [Shocked.] They told you? Wait, why do you want to get Amber angry? HOUSE: Because I'm your friend. WILSON: No, no, no. You said you approved, you said you were taking the high road. For how long, the first exit? [House's phone rings.] HOUSE: [Answers.] Hello, and thank you for saving me from being righteoused to death. [Gets up and walks away from Wilson.] THIRTEEN: Patient's vomiting blood. [On the other end of the phone we see Taub, Kutner and Thirteen in the Diagnostic's office. Taub starts writing the new symptom on the whiteboard.] TAUB: Hematemesis could indicate... HOUSE: Don't put it on the board. [Taub stops writing.] TAUB: You don't think it's a symptom? HOUSE: I think it's my marker. [Taub rubs what he had written off the board.] He has syph, and what? TAUB: And syph, it can cause hematemesis. HOUSE: Not everyone agrees. TAUB: [Looks surprised.] How... How could you... HOUSE: If you all thought it was syph, you wouldn't have woken me up in the middle of the night. THIRTEEN: If it was just syph, he wouldn't be getting worse, he's already on penicillin. KUTNER: The bleeding's probably from liver damage, probably caused by ethanol in the cleansers or the penicillin. HOUSE: Two more probablys than I like to hear. THIRTEEN: Liver tests and serologies are going to take a full day. HOUSE: Full night, actually. Guy not might make it to brunch. [House hangs up the phone and walks back over to Wilson.] Yes, I knew about your issue with alcohol. Yes, I intentionally got you drunk to provoke an argument between you and Amber. Why I would do such a thing is an interesting question. What's more interesting is that you knew as much as I did and you're the one who's pouring down the drinks. Why? WILSON: Because I thought I was out having fun with a friend. I didn't know the drinks had subtext. I got to get home. [Puts some money on the bar and leaves.] [Cut to Taub, Kutner and Thirteen in the lab.] THIRTEEN: GGT's normal, rules out alcohol. TAUB: How about serum protein? KUTNER: It's positive. TAUB: Kind of assumed he HAD protein. It's how much protein he has we care about. KUTNER: It's positive for syphilis. TAUB: [Sighs.] You mind if I give you a performance review? KUTNER: Not the patient. House. He has syphilis. [Cut to House watching a soap in his office. It's the next day.] FEMALE SOAP CHARACTER: What happened? MALE SOAP CHARACTER: Every time I searched my soul... I found Anna. FEMALE SOAP CHARACTER: Are you going to tell Marie? MALE SOAP CHARACTER: I have to. FEMALE SOAP CHARACTER: It will destroy her. [Foreman, Taub, Kutner and Thirteen all walk into the office.] MALE SOAP CHARACTER: Could it be any worse on her than loving somebody who can't love them back? HOUSE: [Looks at them.] Yes? KUTNER: You might want to turn off the TV. HOUSE: I'm multi-tasking. Also doing my taxes. And Cuddy. What'd you find out? TAUB: The patient has hepatitis. [Kutner, Thirteen and Foreman stare at him.] HOUSE: I assume from your omission of the word 'viral' before the hep that it's not another STD. Put him on steroids and test him for sarcoid before the liver failure becomes liver failed. [Taub nods and starts to walk away but Thirteen stops him.] THIRTEEN: [To Taub.] We're all doing this. HOUSE: There's more? FOREMAN: You have syphilis. [House looks surprised.] HOUSE: [Turns off the TV and turns to face them.] No, I don't. KUTNER: One of us found a vial of your blood in the lab... HOUSE: Which one of you? FOREMAN: It's treatable. THIRTEEN: We filled a prescription. [Puts a bottle of pills on Houses desk. House just stares at them.] KUTNER: You okay? [House doesn't say anything, just kind of nods, they all leave.] [aerial sht of PPTH.] [Cut to Taub, Kutner, Thirteen, Foreman, Chase and Cameron all sitting outside looking shocked.] CAMERON: So this is why he is who he is? TAUB: We don't know. FOREMAN: We know. It's not just a coincidence. THIRTEEN: Wilson says he's always been a jerk. TAUB: But he got worse. CAMERON: After his leg. FOREMAN: The leg was a coincidence. CHASE: [To Cameron.] Did you sleep with him? [Cameron just stares back at Chase and there's an awkward silence for a few seconds.] THIRTEEN: So what's going to happen? What's going to change? KUTNER: Maybe he'll be less of a jerk. CAMERON: Or less of a doctor. KUTNER: You got to be a jerk to be a good doctor? CAMERON: I don't know, maybe House does. CHASE: [To Cameron.] Why aren't you answering me? CAMERON: Because it's none of their business. It's none of your business. CHASE: I think the STD makes it my business. CAMERON: Humans are complicated. FOREMAN: Humans are simple. CAMERON: A million different things make us who we are, you change one, you change everything. If Mozart was better adjusted, decides to play catch one day, maybe there's no magic flute. CHASE: You did, didn't you? [Cut to House walking into Wilson's office.] HOUSE: There's something I need to tell you. AMBER: You returned him drunk. [House turns around startled and sees Amber sitting on a chair behind him.] HOUSE: On time. AMBER: Drunk. HOUSE: On time. No tag backs. AMBER: The purpose of the time was to give me time. HOUSE: So you didn't have sex? AMBER: I like sex. HOUSE: Well you can have it tonight. The L Word is on. AMBER: You don't get to decide what matters. Either you're genuinely afraid I'm going to make him miserable, or you're afraid I'm going to make him happy, or you simply can't stop screwing with anything that moves. It doesn't really matter, because whatever the reason, you'll only get worse. Until either I stop seeing Wilson, or I stop you. [Stands up.] What do you think I'm going to choose? HOUSE: If you terminate the agreement, it's not going to bring peace in the mideast. AMBER: I'm not terminating the agreement. I'm amending the agreement. I'm adding penalty clauses. HOUSE: Fine. Whoever violates it gets their finger cut off. AMBER: I'm serious. HOUSE: So am I. You want people to drive safer, take out the airbags and attach a machete pointing at their neck. No one will drive over three miles per hour. AMBER: I'm not cutting... HOUSE: We'll figure it out. On your time. [House opens the door. Amber sighs, kisses Wilson goodbye and leaves. House shuts the door again and turns back to Wilson.] You know she's certifiable right? I've got the forms in my desk. WILSON: Where is she wrong? [House hangs he's head.] What were you going to tell me? HOUSE: Nothing. WILSON: You're punishing me? HOUSE: I needed to tell you something... privately. WILSON: I'm not going to tell her. HOUSE: You'll tell her. She's your girlfriend, you should tell her. WILSON: You're my friend. HOUSE: It's not the same. [Opens the door and starts to leave.] WILSON: Don't sulk. HOUSE: Where am I wrong? [Shuts the door behind himself.] [Cut to House sitting in his office staring out the window while Foreman gives him a performance review.] FOREMAN: Your management style is counterproductive. You gave me authority over the team, just so they could undercut... HOUSE: Critiquing the clap addled? That's sort of tasteless. FOREMAN: I didn't feel like waiting until your genitals cleared up. You need to formalise my authority over the team. HOUSE: No, I don't. FOREMAN: You don't think I'm qualified? HOUSE: Compared to those three? FOREMAN: You want to punish Cuddy for hiring me without... HOUSE: I like Cuddy. I like parts of her. FOREMAN: You want to crush the team by crushing me? HOUSE: I want to empower them. Those three idiots need to respect you. They should respect you, they should be afraid of you, so I have to humiliate you, because if the team fears you, they won't question you. If they don't question you, they won't get any answers, if they don't get any answers, they're useless. FOREMAN: Mocking me saves lives? HOUSE: The hospital will probably build you a statue one day. You know, with a 'kick me' sign on the back. So when you think about it, the more I mock you, the more it shows I have respect for you. FOREMAN: Or you made up that BS because you like humiliating me. HOUSE: Wouldn't rule that out completely. [Taub appears at the door.] TAUB: You busy? HOUSE: Almost done. [To Foreman.] Uh, so just remember, the rabbit goes around the tree and jumps down the hole. [Ties his shoelaces up.] TAUB: Negative for sarcoidosis. HOUSE: Run him for everything you can think of. Lepto, schisto, hemo, and the fourth Marx brother nobody ever heard of. [Cut to Deb walking into Jeff's room with lunch.] JEFF: You bitch! DEB: [Startled.] I just went to get us some lunch, you were asleep. JEFF: [Still angry.] You moved my book. DEB: Jeff, calm down. It's just the drugs. JEFF: The drugs didn't move my book... [Clutches his chest.] DEB: Jeff? [Runs over and starts performing CPR. Yells out to no one in particular.] My husband's having a heart attck. Can somebody help me please? [No one responds so she yells louder.] Somebody help me, please! [Eventually Taub notices and goes running in to help.] [Cut to everyone in the Diagnostics office.] KUTNER: She saved his life. HOUSE: Or she scabbed. Depends on your point of view. So what do we think? New symptom? Or just a wife beater? [To Kutner] Hey, time for you to take this baby for a spin. [Throws the whiteboard marker to him, Kutner gets up looking pleased with himself. House takes his seat and moves it closer to Thirteen.] KUTNER: [Starts writing on the board.] We, uh, loaded him full of prednisone to try to fix the liver. HOUSE: Good news is, he's running out of organs to fail. KUTNER: Prednisone could cause Roid rage, which could cause hypertension, which results... TAUB: Roid rage after six hours? HOUSE: At that rate, by sundown, he'll have eaten most of us. TAUB: [Half laughs.] Uh, it still could be penicillin, allergic reaction. THIRTEEN: How does a fried liver put him into a rage? TAUB: It's not frying his liver, it's frying his syphilis. The penicillin's working, the real patient is emerging. HOUSE: So... syphilis prevents domestic volence. I'm going to be even more attractive to the ladies. THIRTEEN: I was going to test for a heart issue before the syphilis. PFO could explain the heart attck and reduced blood flow to the brain could explain the rage. HOUSE: Well, they're all good ideas. [Foreman raises an eyebrow.] Okay, let's take a vote. How many think it's the roids talking? [Taub sticks up his hand.] And who's for the penicillin? [Kutner] And how about whatever she said? [Thirteen. House looks at Foreman.] Someone hasn't raised their hand. FOREMAN: [Suspicious.] Whatever I decide? [House nods.] You're setting me up. HOUSE: [Laughs.] Why would I do that? FOREMAN: [Shrugs.] PFO. HOUSE: The PFO's have it. [Everyone gives House a weird look.] I just hope the bubble test is positive or it's no more Mr. Nice Guy. [Everyone stares at House for a few more seconds before leaving.] [Cut to Taub, Kutner, Thirteen, Foreman, Chase and Cameron all in the Doctors lounge.] KUTNER: We gave Van Gogh chelation therapy. Turned him into a house painter. TAUB: Maybe not, maybe we just put htler on Ritalin. CAMERON: Are you comparing House to htler? CHASE: Oh god. CAMERON: Just because I don't think he's htler doesn't mean I slept with him. I don't sleep with everyone who's better than htler. FOREMAN: Maybe Taub is right, maybe this is good. THIRTEEN: This is not good. FOREMAN: Well, he respected our opinions, he mocked himself, he was civil, he shared. THIRTEEN: He didn't care. FOREMAN: He never cares. THIRTEEN: He didn't vote. He always cared about one thing, solving the puzzle but he was irrelevant to that diagnosis. He had no opinion of his own. He now cares about nothing. CHASE: You had no choice, you had to treat him. What's done is done. [Leaves.] [aerial sht of PPTH, dusk.] [Cut to House walking up to Wilson at the nurses station.] HOUSE: You know that thing I was going to tell you, I've got to tell you. I've got to tell someone. You have to swear not to tell CB. WILSON: [Shrugs.] Whatever. HOUSE: Well, that's not swearing, that's shrugging. It's actually the opposite of swearing. WILSON: I won't tell Amber. HOUSE: My team thinks that I have syphilis. WILSON: [Surprised.] Do you? HOUSE: Not yet. WILSON: Why do they think you do? HOUSE: Because I knew that they had access to an old blood sample, and I knew they'd test it sometime for something. WILSON: Why would you swap your blood? What are you afraid they'll find? HOUSE: [Rolls his eyes.] Shut up, you're missing the point. Now, they think that I'm on penicillin. WILSON: [Looks confused.] Is this some clever practical joke that I'm not aware of? HOUSE: And as I get better, I get nicer. WILSON: [Suddenly getting it, laughs.] That's brilliant. [House smiles.] HOUSE: Foreman thinks I actually value his opinion. [Wilson laughs more.] Thank god he said PFO, or I'd have had to do some dancing. You got time for bowling? [Wilson doesn't say anything.] Come on, it's work hours. WILSON: I'll get my shoes. [Turns to walk away but stops.] So we don't need to talk about... HOUSE: No. WILSON: So you're going to keep screwing... HOUSE: Yeah, and you're going to keep talking about it. We are who we are. WILSON: [Sighs.] I'll get my shoes. [Cut to Kutner and Taub doing an ultrasound on Jeff.] KUTNER: Okay, got a good view of the heart. TAUB: What if we lower House's dosage? Maybe sab him, he doesn't get worse, he doesn't get better. KUTNER: Quite the line to walk, if we're wrong he dies of neurosyphilis. TAUB: If we don't, other people die. KUTNER: Other people who aren't our boss. TAUB: People. KUTNER: This sucks, the guy had a gift. I'd kll... [Amber walks in.] Hi, what... AMBER: House doesn't have syphilis, he switched the blood samples. TAUB: How do you know that? AMBER: House told Wilson, I wanted to ruin House's day. See ya. [Leaves.] TAUB: We're idiots. KUTNER: We're not idiots, positive blood test means positive blood test. TAUB: Apparently not. [Looks at the screen.] There they are, let's see if they... [Kutner walks off.] Uh, what are you doing? We're not done. KUTNER: He doesn't have syphilis. [Continues leaving.] TAUB: [To himself.] I know. [Cut to Kutner and House in the hallway.] KUTNER: Patient tested positive for syphilis, right? HOUSE: Is this some sort of recap? KUTNER: But why did he test positive for syphilis? HOUSE: Oh! Uh... I know this. KUTNER: Either one, he has syphilis... HOUSE: I was going to say that. KUTNER: Or two, the test was wrong twice, or three, he gave us someone else's blood. [House stops.] HOUSE: Who? KUTNER: [Smiling.] Amber. HOUSE: Get that idiotic smile out of my face. I've got to go on a klling spree. KUTNER: Or, four, he has something that tests positive for syphilis. HOUSE: [Sighs.] It's not chagas. KUTNER: He worked in Costa Rica before he was married. HOUSE: Is two a spree, or do I have to kll you too? Chagas wouldn't explain the niceness. KUTNER: I've heard of remote tribes that actually practice acts of kindness, or the chagas caused encephalitis. HOUSE: The MRI showed no signs... KUTNER: Until we started him on steroids, compromised the immune system and let the infection flare up. I did another one. [Shows House.] It's not much. HOUSE: [Looks at it.] It's plenty. You figured this out because I don't have syphilis? [Kutner shrugs.] Damn. That should have been my epiphany. [Cut to House and Kutner walking into Jeff's room.] HOUSE: Good news, bad news. Good news is we know what you have, it's treatable, you're going to live. [Both Deb and Jeff smile.] JEFF: Really? DEB: What's the bad news? HOUSE: The cure is a grueling course of pills. It's like one a day for a month. JEFF: Now you're just trying to make me laugh. HOUSE: Yeah, like that's a challenge. KUTNER: You have chagas disease. It's a parasite, it's been asymptomatic for ten years. HOUSE: Well not quite. Your brain's been swollen, not enough to see but enough to alter your personality. DEB: Now we're back to that. HOUSE: He screamed at you, you don't think he can change? DEB: That was because of the drugs. HOUSE: So you think drugs are more powerful than parasites? [Realises that's exactly what they are about to give him.] I mean... The ones we're going to give you to treat the parasites obviously are but... I stand by the principle. DEB: [Looks at Jeff then back at House.] I'm not worried. KUTNER: [Smiles.] Neither am I. HOUSE: [Shrugs.] Neither am I, but that's because I don't care. [Cut to House walking into Cuddy'd office. He hands her a file.] CUDDY: [Opening it.] Reviews? HOUSE: It was brought to my attention that on occasion, I am not respectful of hospital hierarchy. [Sticks a lollypop in his mouth.] CUDDY: The word was "contemptuous." [Reads over the first review.] Well phrased, thoughtful. [Flips to next page.] Identically phrased. [Keeps flicking through.] These are all the same. HOUSE: Because, underneath it all, we are all the same. And Foreman refused to type his up. CUDDY: [Puts the file down.] Well, it's more than I expected. HOUSE: There's an extra one in there. CUDDY: [Picks it up again and finds the extra one, starts to read it.] Your treatment of patients is non-existent because you're not a doctor, you're an administrator. HOUSE: Foreman convinced me that these can be helpful. CUDDY: [Continues reading.] Your management of employees is, well, let's face it, they're outside carrying signs. [Stops reading and puts it down.] The strike ended, the nurses have been back for two shifts already. HOUSE: You'd think I'd have noticed. What exactly did they do around here? [House picks up the review and continues from where Cuddy left off.] You act like employees should fear and respect you, but your eyes tell us... [Looks up at Cuddy.] Actually your eyes tell us nothing because we're looking at your boobs. [Goes back to reading.] Which tell us that you're desperate to have someone jump on you and tell you they love you one grunted syllable at a time. What you want, you run away from. What you need, you don't have a clue. What you've accomplished makes you proud, but you're still miserable. [Hands it to her.] Please sign. CUDDY: [Smiles.] I got a call from Amber today. Says there's been a violation of your contract. You've been seeing Wilson on her time. HOUSE: She breached confidentiality. You can let it slide, officer. We're even. CUDDY: Yes, you are. You're both losing fingers. [Cut to Deb walking into Jeff's room, Jeff is sitting up and eating and looking much better.] DEB: Look what I found. [Shows him a small jar of ketchup.] JEFF: Nice. DEB: They think you might be able to come home tomorrow. JEFF: Oh, yeah? That's good. [Takes a bite of food and makes a weird face.] DEB: What's the matter? JEFF: The ketchup. There's something wrong with that. DEB: [Dips her finger in it and tastes it.] Tastes fine. Is anything else? JEFF: Everything else is great. I just... I don't know. I guess I don't like ketchup anymore. Wonder what else I don't like. [Deb looks worried while Jeff continues to eat.] [Cut to House and Amber changing a patient's sheets.] HOUSE: Roll over. [Patient rolls over with some help from Amber.] AMBER: We need a tougher punishment. HOUSE: Want to come over to the poopy side? Where are you two going Friday night? AMBER: Dinner at L'auberge. HOUSE: [Stares at her.] You're lying. AMBER: [Smiles.] Of course I am. [Camera pans out and we see Wilson watching through the window. He smiles to himself.] [End.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x13 - No More Mr. Nice Guy"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on scrub area outside an OR. Dr. Brock is in scrubs. He is taking a swig from a flask. Marie, a nurse, approaches him.] Marie: Brock? What are you doing? Brock: Getting ready for surgery. What’s it look like? Marie: You’re operating on my sister. Brock: And my fiancé. Marie: You’re drunk. You could kll her. Brock: It’s the only way to stop my hands from shaking. I need to drink. For Anna. Marie: What about… our baby. Brock: Our… baby? [She nods slowly. Brock squeezes his eyes shut and the camera pulls back to show him, on a TV monitor, collapsing to the floor. It’s the set of Prescription Passion, House’s favorite soap opera. Brock is Evan Greer, an actor, and the nurse is his costar.] Marie: Oh, my God! Are you okay? [there is blood on “Brock’s” mouth] Brock, speak to me. Oh, my God. Um. I, I, I, I think he’s really hurt. Director: Cut. Technician: [voice over] Uh, we can edit that word out… Marie: Uh, that was scary. I thought there for a second you were really – Evan: Then you gotta be the only one in the world who did. [standing] This is ridiculous. Director: It was great, Evan. Evan: No it wasn’t. It was crap. Director: The fans are gonna love it. Evan: The fans are crap. I’m crap. This whole damn show is crap! Sorry. Not your fault. [Cut to Evan leaving the studio, in slow motion. He signs a few autographs and gets into the back of a black town car. The car starts to move.] Evan: Um. Where are you going? My apartment’s on the West Side. [to the back of the driver’s head] Excuse me. You need to go the other way. Hey, did you hear what I said? [as he reaches for the car door, the lock drops down] What the hell is going on here? What do you want? House: [driving the car] An autographed picture would be nice. Oh… And I’m also gonna save your life. [Evan tries to get out of the car as it pulls away, tires squealing.] [Opening credits] [Cut to the ER entrance. Two EMTs wheel a patient in. Cuddy is there with Dr. Jaime Conway, a hospital inspector.] Conway: You might want to think about repositioning the crosswalk. It’s technically not a violation, but the closer they are to the entrance, the more likely they are to be used. Cuddy: Makes sense. I actually wasn’t expecting you until next month... Conway: That’s the problem with planned visits – administrators plan for them. [Cuddy chuckles slightly] The most recent New Jersey hospital accreditation requirements Cuddy: Yeah. I’m familiar with – [A car horn blares and the town car screeches up. House hops out, literally. He touches the brim of his cap in a salute to Cuddy.] Conway: Who was that? Cuddy: I have no idea. Shall we get started? [As Cuddy steers Conway into the building, House comes around the car and opens the passenger door. Evan slides back toward the other door with his feet on the seat, ready to kick House.] Evan: Just let me go. I won’t press charges. Forget the whole thing. House: That’s probably true, seeing as how you have a brain tumor. Evan: You’re that nut-job doctor that keeps calling my publicist. House: Actually, I’m the nut-job head of diagnostic medicine. Evan: I run every day. I don’t get headaches. I’m fine. So, if you don’t mind… [House leans into the car, getting closer and closer to Evan, who keeps backing away] House: Actually, I do mind. I don’t care if you die. But if Brock Sterling dies, Anna never finds out he’s the father of Marie’s baby. Evan: [yells] Help! House: [stands, echoing Evan] Help! We’re gonna need a wheelchair… here. [he ducks his head back into the car] Look, in the last month your average line reading has slowed from 2.1 seconds to 2.9. You’re pausing more. Always at the same intervals – every seven to nine words. Which means you’re having trouble reading one side of the teleprompter. Which means a peripheral vision problem. Which means a tumor in your occipital lobe. Just one test. If there’s nothing wrong, I’ll take you right back home. Evan: [getting out of the car] Make it cab fare. I don’t want you anywhere near my house. House: [tossing the keys to a passing employee] Uh, just put it in my spot. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She is sitting on her desk, addressing several doctors] Cuddy: The accreditation board is here to protect us and our patients. So, in dealing with the on-site inspector, please behave as though it wasn’t also an enormous pain in the ass. [The doctors start leaving] Chase, Foreman, Cameron – up here, please. Why is House driving a limo. Foreman: Don’t know. Cameron: Don’t have to know. Chase: Don’t… care? Cuddy: Wrong. Until this inspection is over, you’re back on House watch. [points to Foreman, then Cameron] Current case, past cases. Foreman: He doesn’t have a current case. Cameron: I have a whole department. Chase: Are you gonna fre us if we don’t? Cuddy: I was just – asking for your help. [Chase is out the door before she finishes. To Cameron] The last time I checked the ER, you had the best-kept charts in the building. The last time I checked the fourth floor janitor’s closet, I found House’s charts. He hasn’t filed anything since you left. Now, House may not care whether this hospital’s accreditation gets downgraded, but the people who sign my paychecks do. So, I repeat, current, past. Foreman: He doesn’t have a current case. Cuddy: Did he tell you about the limo? [Cut to exam room. Evan has his face in a frame and is looking straight ahead. House is slightly behind him, looking at a computer screen.] Evan: So I just press this button every time I see a light? House: It tells me where your blind spots are. So… the twins They’re gonna turn out to be yours, aren’t they. Evan: I told you. I can’t talk about that stuff. House: But you want to be done with this, right? Evan: [sighs] One’s mine, one’s Julio’s. House: I knew it. [pumps his fist] Julio knocked her up before her appendix burst. You got her after. Evan: How can you watch that stuff? House: ‘Cause it’s awesome. Evan: It’s preposterous. Not one real moment since I’ve been on the show. House: As opposed to shows that represent the world exactly the way it is, like… I can’t think of any. Foreman: [enters] What’s going on? House: Hospital is being inspected and Cuddy dispatched you to keep an eye on me. [pause] I just parked a town car in an ambulance bay and, instead of ripping me one, Cuddy acted like she didn’t know me. It’s either an inspection or an aneurysm. Evan: What’s the test say? House: As I suspected, you have significant losses in the upper right quadrant of your visual field. Evan: Are you serious? House: No, it’s a joke. Two guys go into a bar and one has significant losses in the upper right quadrant of his visual field. And the other one says, ‘You’re gonna need an MRI to confirm the type and location of the tumor.’ Foreman: That readout says his vision’s fine. House: No, it doesn’t. Foreman: Yes, it does. Evan: You lied to me? House: I kidnapped you. You’re surprised that I lied to you? [Evan jumps out of the chair and grabs his jacket] It just means that the symptoms are intermittent. Evan: You come near me again, I’m calling the police. Foreman: You kidnapped him? House: It’s sweet that I haven’t lost the ability to surprise you. [Cut to hallway. House is punching a code into a drug cart and checking the drawers. Wilson limps up. House doesn’t look at him.] House: Are you mocking me? Wilson: My back. My back is klling me. House: Don’t care. Busy. Wilson: Amber’s damn mattress. House: Well that sucks. Don’t buy a new one. [He takes a syringe from a drawer, locks the cart, grabs his cane and turns to leave. Wilson follows] Wilson: Are you being sarcastic? Because we are buying one. House: She’s incapable of doing anything that matters without turning it into a zero-sum game. Wilson: We’re buying a mattress for us. House: Wow. I’m faster than you right now. [He uses his cane to push open an elevator door before it shuts. Evan is in the elevator. He turns away from House and pulls out his phone.] It’s all about her and whatever hapless salesman wanders into her sights. She’s gonna lie, steal and trade your testes to get whatever she wants. Hold on. I just gotta do something before he dials the second ‘1.’ [He uncaps the syringe and injects Evan in the back of the neck.] You’re going to end up humiliated, [Evan drops to the floor] holding her purse and going home to sleep on a new mattress you hate. Wilson: What the hell are you doing? House: He needs an MRI. [Cut to MRI. House is in the computer room with Thirteen/Hadley and Taub.] House: Give me one millimeter slices from the cortex down. Thirteen: Any particular reason you decided to sedate a patient for a procedure that’s completely painless? House: [trying on Evan’s sunglasses] Guy has a history of violent outbursts during surgical procedures. Taub: Yeah, on TV. It’s Evan Greer. He’s the main stud on House’s soap. Frontal cortex looks clean. No tumors. House: Increase the magnification on the occipital lobe. You watch because you like or because I like? Taub: I was unemployed. I – House: Bzzt. Sorry. That’s not an answer, that’s an apology. If we’re ever to come out of the darkness, we have to be proud – Thirteen: Occipital, frontal and temporal lobes are clean. So’s the optic nerve. Definitely no tumors. House: He’s fine? Thirteen: And awake. [Evan is moving in the MRI machine.] Taub: Uh, what should we tell him? House: See if you can talk him out of suing me. [Cut to Evan, Thirteen and Taub in a hallway] Evan: He kidnapped me. He drugged me. Taub: Perhaps you should go out the back way. Evan: I’m not going anywhere you people tell me to go. Taub: It’s just, someone of your fame, uh… I figured fans… Evan: You’re trying to hide me. You don’t want me making a scene. Thirteen: The hospital’s being inspected today. Evan: And you want me doing you a favor? Thirteen: Not us! Our Dean of Medicine. And House hates her. You’d be doing House a favor by complaining. Evan: Oh. [Cut to Clinic. Cuddy approaches the desk. An elevator dings as the doors open. Evan gets off the elevator, trailed by Taub and Thirteen. He approaches a man in a lab coat.] Evan: This hospital is staffed with lunatics and criminals. Excuse me, where’s Dr. Cuddy? [He falls down] It’s my foot. What did he do to me? Cuddy: What did House do? Thirteen: Nothing. I was with him the whole time. Evan: It’s numb. I can’t feel it. [Taub and Thirteen help him up. He takes a step and falls again] I can’t walk. [Cut to Diagnostics conference room. Cameron is at her old desk by the wall while House conducts a DDX with the new fellows.] Thirteen: Foot numbness has a huge differential. House: It gets a lot narrower when you add in peripheral vision problems. Foreman: Which gets a lot wider when there’s no proof he ever had a vision problem. Kutner: So, House was wrong about the first symptom, but the guy just happened to develop a second, unrelated symptom a few hours later? Taub: He already kidnapped and sedated a guy against his will. Makes sense he’d also do something to numb his foot so he couldn’t leave. House: But it doesn’t make sense to include the symptom that he caused in a differential he’s so desperate to solve. Cameron: Unless he didn’t mean to cause it. House: Stick to the filing, sweetheart. Let the doctors do the doctoring. Either toxins or a vitamin deficiency – Cameron: I’m guessing when you drugged him, you didn’t catch him and ease him to the floor. He could have pinched a nerve in his ankle when he fell. You need to run an EMG test for motor nerve entrapment or the inspector will own your ass. House: Kutner, leave the room. Wait thirty minutes, come back and tell her the test was negative. Kutner: Is it okay if I use that time to do the test? House: Get out of here. Cameron: [emptying a plastic bag of papers on the desk] The rest of them can help me with all this stuff. House: They’re busy. Which is really annoying because I wanted to be able to say they’re busy for no other reason than to screw with you. [he picks a tape out of a plastic carton he just dropped on the table and shows it to her] Research. [Cut to lab. Kutner is running the EMG on Evan] Evan: So the nutjob was right? Kutner: Usually is. Evan: He said I was dying. Kutner: He’s wrong a lot, too. That’s why we do these tests. I bet it’s cool, you know, being the star of a ht TV show. Evan: It’s a daytime soap. It pretty much puts me one step above dinner theater. Kutner: Come on. You’re on TV every day. And who cares what the critics think. Women love soaps. Evan: You get to take to take pride in your job. Feel good when you go home at night. Kutner: You’re entertaining people. Evan: I don’t care. Kutner: Then you’ve made a strange career choice. Evan: Look, I’m pandering. I want to be a part of something that inspires people. Kutner: So quit. Find something inspiring and do it. Evan: It’s not that easy. Kutner: Why not? Evan: Just isn’t. [Cut to doctors’ lounge. House is watching a tape of his soap with Foreman, Taub and Thirteen. Brock enters a room. Marie, the nurse from the first scene pulls open her uniform top.] Marie: It’s my heart, doctor. It’s racing. Brock: I’m sure it’s nothing. You’re a healthy woman, Marie. Marie: Shouldn’t you examine me? Brock: Why don’t you have Rico do it? [House is staring at the screen. He lifts the remote to lower the volume. The soap continues quietly in the background.] House: You can’t tell me you didn’t notice that pause. Thirteen: Sorry. Marie: She’s never waking up. House: Ah, this is a whole new experience in super high def. I had no idea Marie wore an underwire. Taub: Does sound a little forced. Could be stiffening in his tongue which is a symptom of myxedema. Thirteen: It’s not the tongue, it’s the dialog. I think I dated that nurse, though. [House stares at her and Taub stares at the nurse on the screen] No. Foreman: What about the way he’s holding that stethoscope? His thumb and forefinger are meeting at an odd angle. House: Could be demylenation from toxic exposure. Taub: Back it up. [The door opens and Cuddy enters] Cuddy: What’s this, the AV club? Foreman: It’s diagnostic. Everything’s under control. Cuddy: Yeah, excellent job so far. House, outside. [House hands the remote to Thirteen before following Cuddy to the hallway] House: Keep watching. You’ll never guess what Rico’s got in that box. Marie: Rico doesn’t even know I’m alive. Cuddy: You have an obsession with an actor or the character he plays. I feel for you. You need to work it out. But I need you to do it when the hospital’s accreditation and my job are not on the line. House: You want the star of the hottest daytime drama on TV to die in your hospital? Cuddy: No, I want you to cure him without committing any more felonies. House: I can’t do my job if you’re going to tie my hands like that. Cuddy: Fifty-one weeks out of the year I let you run around like a monkey in a banana factory. All I’m asking is that you tone it for a few days. House: I want that TV. Cuddy: We’re not bargaining. House: You want something. Either you’re bargaining or you’re begging. Cuddy: Me keeping my job is good for you. House: Yes, but it’s better for you. I just want us to be equally happy. Kutner: [approaches] EMG was negative for nerve entrapment. Means the foot’s a real symptom. Could be vitamin deficiency. House: Or a toxin. Kutner: Or atherosclerosis. House: Or a toxin. Cuddy: Why is toxin a better idea? House: Might not be. We’ll know after I’m finished searching his set and dressing room for medically relevant stuff. Gotta go. Need a decision. Cuddy: You’re not going to cut your own throat. House: Yeah, that sounds like me. [to Kutner] Test for heavy metals, organics, biotoxins and search the home. [Cut to Amber and Wilson lying on a mattress in a showroom] Wilson: I like the pillow top. Amber: I like this one. Salesman: Great taste. That model’s top of the line. Wilson: How much is it? Salesman: $1,999. It’s a great price. Wilson: And, what about – Amber: That’s too rich for us. Wilson: I don’t know. You think… Amber: Honey, we can’t afford that. Not with the baby on the way. Salesman: Congratulations. Your first? Amber: Yes. Salesman: How about I knock a hundred bucks off. Maybe throw in free delivery. Amber: Money is really tight right now. I’m a law clerk and my husband just got laid off. He has an interview today. Wish him luck. Salesman: Good luck. Wilson: Fingers crossed. Amber: We might be able to afford $1,500. Salesman: Well, I’d have to check with my manager. Amber: Thanks. I appreciate it. [He leaves. Amber’s beeper goes off. She hand Wilson her bag] Hold this, would you? 911 from work. Better go. Wilson: So am I getting the hard mattress or do I have to go to my job interview? Amber: Whatever mattress you want. I’m fine either way. Wilson: You… Really? Amber: Really. Just as long as I get to help you break it in. [Cut to Evan’s dressing room. House is holding an Emmy. He makes a self-deprecating gesture as if he were pretending to make an acceptance speech. His phone rings. He checks the caller ID. His inspection of the dressing room continues during the phone call.] House: Pack your manhood on ice. Maybe the hospital can reattach it. Wilson: [calling from the store] You were so wrong. She’s letting me choose. House: “You choose” does not mean you choose. Wilson: Really? Sounded like “you choose.” I suppose it’s possible she meant “House is soooo, so wrong.” House: It’s a trap. It means “if you love me you’ll buy the one I want.” [He grabs a handful of shelled sunflower seeds from a large container, popping them into his mouth while continuing the conversation.] Wilson: Amber doesn’t do passive-aggressive. House: People who do aggressive don’t like to limit themselves. Could a leaky space heater cause vision problems and numbness? Wilson: He’d of gotten better at the hospital. It’s not a trap. House: Did I hear a question mark at the end of that sentence? [He sees Marie and a crew member walk past the dressing room] Wilson: House, look, she’s – House: Gotta go. [hangs up] [Cut to mattress showroom] Salesman: Manager says I can do that price. [Cut to set. House is walking through it with Marie, eating more seeds as they walk.] Marie: The gin bottles are all gifts from fans. Brock Sterling drinks it on the show but Evan doesn’t drink at all. He’s on this whole health kick right now. Fruits, nuts – did you take those from his dressing room? House: No. You’re not going to marry Brock, are you? We’ve been waiting four years for him to make it official with Anna. Marie: Are you really a doctor. House: Glioblastoma. Need more proof? So, no toxins on the set, how about his regular life? Unusual hobbies? Unsavory friends? Marie: No. I’ve been out with him. He’s as vanilla as they come. House: And by “out” you mean…? Marie: Well, I asked him on a date last month. We went out a few times but we weren’t right for each other. House: Too small or too large? Marie: Is that medically relevant? House: I’m a doctor and it’s relevant to me. So, yes. Marie: We never got that far. We made out a while then he just said he should go home. He’s a real gentleman. House: [thinks and looks at the seeds in his hand] Now that’d be interesting. [Cut to Diagnostics conference room. House enters.] House: He’s impotent. [he takes a packet from his pocket and tosses it on the table] Steady diet of sunflower seeds causes a B6 toxicity, which causes an autonomic disregulation, which causes a wood-free existence. Kutner: One bad night and a couple of sunflower seeds and he’s got autonomic disregulation. House: It’s more than just one. He can’t even remember the last time he was able to salute. It’s cool, huh? Thirteen: B6 wouldn’t show up on a tox screen and we didn’t find anything at the house. House: So all we have to do is filter the B6 out of his blood. Prep him for plasmapheresis. Cameron: Just because he didn’t salute doesn’t mean he can’t. House: [looks around] And can you find out where that voice keeps coming from? And tell it to get out of my head. Kutner: The impotence could be psychological. He’s depressed. Hates his job. Thirteen: Plasmapheresis has risks. We should have him spend the night in the sleep lab. See if he gets a reflex erection. House: Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys. We don’t need to wait for a reflex. If he can’t get engorged the way God intended, he can’t get engorged. Cameron: I’m not showing him my boobs. House: Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing. Thirteen, show him… [exhales loudly] Where can I find a decent set of knockers around here? Cameron: Your prn’s in the second drawer. [Cut to Evan, lying in a bed, turning a magazine sideways. Kutner and Thirteen are in the observation room.] Kutner: All set. Heart monitor, blood pressure monitor and the one on his junk. Evan: This is humiliating. Thirteen: We’re going to close the blinds to give you some privacy. The instruments will let us monitor your response. [the blinds close] Kutner: I don’t get this guy. He has the coolest gig ever but he’s miserable about it. Thirteen: But he figures quitting won’t do him any good. Figures he’d be unhappy anywhere. Kutner: Our circumstances affect whether or not – Thirteen: You’re pretty happy in this job, right? Kutner: Sure. Thirteen: Have you ever had a job where you were miserable? Kutner: I once sold men’s fragrances in a department store. Thirteen: And were you miserable? Kutner: The pay was awful. Thirteen: It was a miserable job, but you weren’t miserable. Kutner: So, what about you? Are you happy? Thirteen: Not particularly. Heart rate and BP are climbing. Kutner: Got some activity on the tumescence monitor as well. Thirteen: There’s nothing wrong with his naughty. It’s not B6 toxicity. [She looks up and Kutner gives a tiny laugh] Did he just… finish? Kutner: Sometimes, uh, when you haven’t, you know, for a while… Thirteen: His heart rate’s through the roof – 220 and climbing. [Evan groans] Kutner: He’s headed for cardiac arrest. [Cut to Evan, in the bed, clutching his chest. Thirteen and Kutner begin to treat him.] [Cut to Diagnostics conference room the next day.] Kutner: We shocked his heart back into sinus rhythm. He’s sab, at least for now. Thirteen: Could be some sort of atypical sceptic reaction. Foreman: Not without a fever. Thirteen: Thus the word “atypical.” House: In that case, it could be an atypical bunion. [Cameron is leaning over the table in front of him, pointing out places on the charts for him to sign.] Kutner: He used to smoke. Could be paraneoplastic syndrome caused by small cell lung cancer. Foreman: He quit twenty years ago and his calcium levels are normal. Cameron: [without pausing from charting] Could be Graves Disease. Extreme hyperthyroid disease leads to systemic problems including numbness, vision loss and cardiac arrest. House: You want to be here. Cameron: I have to be here. House: Just say the word. I’ll fre Thirteen. Cameron: Just sign the forms. [Thirteen looks up] House: Smart move. I was bluffing. She’s right. We should fry the thyroid before it fries him. Taub: Uh… I know it’s more exciting this way, but shouldn’t we confirm you’re right before destroying one of the most important glands in his body? House: If that gland has drawn a bulls eye on his heart, then no. Cameron: Nuking his thyroid puts him at risk for vascular lesions and all kinds of cancer. Protocol says we should do an iodine uptake test. House: [whispers] “We?” [aloud] Anyone else want to run a useless test while Brock’s thyroid plots its next lethal move? [Thirteen raises her hand. Kutner and Taub follow] It was rhetorical. Thirteen: You were sure about B6 toxicity, too. Foreman: House is right. [House stops writing, mid-signature] House: Seriously? I mean, I am, but you think so? Foreman: If he goes into full-on thyroid storm, he’ll die. We gotta nuke his thyroid. [He stands, followed by Kutner, Taub and Thirteen. House and Cameron stare at them as they leave.] [Cut to hallway. Foreman and the new team come around the corner. Thirteen has her cell phone in her hand.] Foreman: Hang up the phone. Thirteen: Why? If we’re gonna nuke his thyroid… Foreman: We’re not nuking the guy’s thyroid without proof that it’s Graves. Do the iodine uptake test. Kutner: If House finds out… Foreman: When House finds out… We’ll have the test results. And we’ll either do his procedure, or we won’t. [Foreman walks off. Thirteen, Taub and Kutner get in the elevator.] [Cut to the morgue. House is partially hidden by a body on a slab. Cuddy enters.] Cuddy: What are you doing here? House: Just grabbing a snack. Cuddy: You keep food in the morgue? House: Well, if I keep it in the lounge, everyone else eats it. Cuddy: [holding up a food container with someone’s name on it] That’s ‘cause it’s everyone else’s food. House: Oh. I thought it was just everyone else’s bags. Cuddy: [throwing everything in a covered trash can] The accreditation board will light us on fre for this. House: They’re not going to find out. Unless, of course, Conway planned on inspecting the morgue in, say… two minutes. [feigning ignorance] Is that why you’re here? Cuddy: You’re going to get me fired over a sandwich? House: No. Over a TV. And you’re not gonna get fired because you’re gonna fold. Cuddy: No, I won’t. House: But you’re gonna push it. So we need a safe word. So you can signal your unconditional surrender. [Conway enters] Call me “Sweet Sauce.” [he smiles at Conway and shakes his hand] Dr. House. I don’t think we’ve met. Conway: Dr. Jaime Conway. I’ve heard your name. House: Most people have. It’s also a noun. [pause] I sometimes come down here to relax, unwind. Maybe grab a – Cuddy: Sweet Sauce. [Conway stares] House: It’s a nickname. Cuddy: An ironic nickname. Wow. It is almost two. Aren’t you supposed to be… House: Oh, yeah. Yeah. ‘Cause those sick, blind kids aren’t going to read to themselves. See ya. [Almost out the door, he turns back] I recommend skipping C-26. Floater. Been in the river at least a week. Conway: Thanks for the warning. House: Any time. [leaves] [Cut to House’s office. He is in his Eames chair, watching two men install a large, flat screen TV. Cameron enters, carrying two cardboard file boxes.] Cameron: Doesn’t the doctors’ lounge have that same TV? House: Nope. They’ve got a 12 inch, exactly like the one that used to be in here. Cameron: Files are done. House: I’ll be doing a dance of joy just as soon as my leg is healed. [to the maintenance men] Can you tilt that down? Cameron: I know the paperwork annoys you, but patient records are important. You can’t just let them sit there. House: I had to. In the name of science. I let the crap pile up and I see which team member is the most self-flagellating – breaks down, clears up the mess. Surprise was, it turned out to be you. Again. And you weren’t even registered as a competitor. You miss me. Cameron: You miss me. You hired Thirteen to replace me. House: Yeah, yeah, yeah. All pretty girls are fungible. You’re avoiding. Cameron: I miss the job. I miss running around playing private investigator. I miss... the puzzles. House: Seriously. I’ll fre Thirteen. Or Kutner, if you think Thirteen is hot. Cameron: I don’t miss you. [Cut to Evan’s room] Evan: That iodine left a really weird aftertaste. Taub: That’s the tracer. We’ll have the images in a couple of minutes. You must do okay with women, huh? Kutner: I already asked him that. Taub: And? Evan: It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Kutner: He feels unfulfilled. Taub: I doubt it. Evan: I’m lying? Taub: I used to be a plastic surgeon. I’d talk about my work as shallow and meaningless. Truth is, I loved every boob job, every tummy tuck. Meaning doesn’t mean that much. Evan: But you’re not a plastic surgeon anymore. Taub: It’s complicated. Evan: Are you happier? Taub: It’s complicated. Kutner: His thyroid looks normal. Evan: So that’s good news, right? [Taub joins Kutner by the computer] Kutner: Everything look too bright to you? Taub: It could be the monitor. Kutner: It’s not the monitor. It’s the iodine. It’s everywhere. His body’s not filtering it. Taub: His kidneys are failing. [Cut to hallway House: I told you to nuke his thyroid. Foreman: It’s a good thing we didn’t. Kidney failure means it wasn’t graves. House: So, your test screwed me and our patient’s kidneys. You practically poisoned him with iodine. Foreman: Which he could have handled easily if his kidneys were healthy. All we did was reveal a new symptom. Usually you’re all for that. House: Must be the rancid tinge of betrayal that’s put me off. Foreman: You were wrong. House: [turning on him] So tell me to my face. You never hesitated before. The Board’s turned you into a coward. Foreman: I did it because it was the right thing to do. House: You did it to pass an inspection. Taub: Does it matter? Kidney failure on top of the other symptoms points to an autoimmune condition which means that any of his other organs could be next. We’ve already started dialysis. We need to run ANAs for autoimmune. House: You’re right. You and the team, go measure the ceilings. Taub: Excuse me? House: Accreditation board guidelines state that no object can be less than 18 inches from the ceiling. Make sure we’re in compliance. Foreman: There’s nothing in our office that would be less than… House: I don’t mean us. I mean the whole hospital. [He gets on an elevator, leaving Foreman and Taub looking at each other.] [Cut to a wooden door that opens to reveal Wilson and Amber kissing and moving into the bedroom. There’s lots of heavy breathing.] Amber: Let’s see how this baby handles. [They stumble to the bed and flop down on it. Amber’s on her back, Wilson’s half on top of her. She opens her eyes wide and freezes. Wilson doesn’t notice at first. He continues kissing her works his way down to her chest as he opens her blouse. When he returns to her mouth, he realizes that she has stopped responding.] Wilson: What? Amber: You bought the firm mattress. Wilson: I thought that’s the one you wanted. Amber: It was. Why would you do that? Wilson: Because… [laughs] Is this a trick question? Amber: I left it up to you. You were supposed to get the one you wanted. Wilson: I got the one you wanted because I love you. Amber: No. [she pushes him off and sits up] You did it because that’s what you do. With all your ex-wives you did whatever they wanted because it was easier and you ended up resenting them. Don’t you dare do that to me. Wilson: What? Take care of you? Amber: Have you met me? I can take care of me. I need you to take care of you. I have work to do. [She gets up, adjusting her hair and clothes, leaving Wilson on the bed looking bewildered.] [Cut to House entering Evan’s room. He reads from a supermarket tabloid.] House: You made it to page 8. Mysterious hospital visit for soap doc. Evan: Wow. I’ll be sure to send my Mom a copy. They told me I have an autoimmune disease, like lupus or sarcoidosis. [House pulls a stool and a cart to Evan’s bedside. He gets something out of a cupboard and, as the scene progresses, draws blood and does other non-painful tests on Evan.] House: That’s what we’re here to find out. Evan: You really as good as everyone seems to think you are? House: Are you really as miserable as everyone seems to think you are? Evan: I just want to do something that matters. House: Nothing matters. We’re all just cockroaches, wildebeests dying on the river bank. Nothing we do has any lasting meaning. Evan: And you think I’m miserable. House: If you’re unhappy on the plane, jump out of it. Evan: I want to but… I can’t. House: Mmm. That’s the problem with metaphors. They need interpretation. Jumping out of a plane is stupid. Evan: Well, what if I’m not in a plane? What if I’m just in a place I don’t want to be? House: That’s the other problem with metaphors. Yes, what if you’re actually on an ice cream truck and outside are candy and flowers and virgins. You’re on a plane! We’re all on planes. Life is dangerous and complicated and… it’s a long way down. Evan: So you’re afraid of change? House: No, you’re afraid to change. You’d rather imagine that you can escape instead of actually try. ‘Cause if you fail, then you got nothing. So you’ll give up the chance of something real so you can hold onto hope. The thing is, hope is for sissies.' Evan: When I get out of here, I’m not gonna be afraid anymore. I mean, how many guys get a second chance? House: Too many. Half the people I save don’t deserve a second chance. Evan: Now that I’ve got mine, I’m gonna set things right. I’m gonna start by being a better father to you. And to your sister. House and Evan: And to your other sister. House: You realize you’re reciting lines from last season? Evan: We’re gonna do all the things I promised. Just help me get out of this bed. [Machines start beeping. House opens the door and calls to the nurses’ station] House: Cooling blankets in here. This guy’s brain is about to boil. [he returns to the bedside. He snaps his fingers twice to get Evan’s attention] Do you know where you are? What’s your name? Evan: Dr. Brock Sterling. [Cut to Diagnostics conference room, the next day.] Thirteen: Fever rules out autoimmune. He’s sceptic. He’s got a massive infaction. Kutner: We’ve got him on broad-spectrum antibiotics but he’s slipped from delirium into a coma. House: Good news is the last time Brock was in a coma, he fathered two children. Foreman: We need to identify the infection and get him on more targeted med, fast. Kutner: What about pneumococcus? Causes heart problems and scepsis. Thirteen: Not with the neuropathies in his foot and eyes. What about tetanus? It fits. Taub: He had a tetanus booster last year. Lyme disease? Kutner: He would have been sore all over. Taub: There’s a thousand infections that could have caused this. We can start testing but he’ll be dad before the cultures grow. Foreman: Unless it’s a fungus. We could see that under a microscope. House: Test him for fungi, parasites, all creatures great and small. Kutner: Where are you going? House: To lie down. I need to think. [Cut to House lying on a floral background with his hands clasped behind his head.] House: Could be rat bite fever. But his glands aren’t swollen. Which one are you gonna get? [He’s on a model bed in the mattress showroom.] Wilson: She told me to get the one I want. House: So get it. Listeria explains the sepsis, possibly also the heart problem. Wilson: But not the numbness. House: If the listeria caused encephalomyelitis which then caused the numbness. Wilson: I want a waterbed. House: Wow. Wilson: I’ve always wanted one. I know it’s ridiculous. It’s just… There’s something nice about the thought of being rocked to sleep in water. [pause] No mocking? No Freudian analysis of how the waterbed is really a great big vagina I want to crawl into? House: I’m ignoring you because you make me sad. He’s on ampicillin. Which means if it’s listeria he would have shown some improvement. Wilson: No. It’s a whole… thing. You need special sheets and insurance and – - House: Who cares? You wanted one your whole life. You’re a grown up. You can afford it. Stores sell them. Wilson: Most adults don’t go through life the way you do, House, indulging our every whim. House: You don’t deserve to be happy. Wilson: And yet I am. You? [House doesn’t answer. He has pulled one of the pillows from behind his head and he is staring at the flower on it.] Wilson (continues): Amber’ll think it’s stupid. House: It is stupid. [he puts down the pillow and starts to leave] Live the dream, Wilson. [Cut to nurses’ station.] House: It’s not an infection. It’s an allergy. That’s why it’s not responding to antibiotics. Foreman: This isn’t a soap opera, House. People don’t just wake up from comas the second you give them drugs. House: Especially if we give them the wrong drugs. What’d the tests say? Foreman: It was negative for fungus and parasites. But that doesn’t mean– House: The more infections we rule out, the more likely it is that it’s not an infection. Foreman: He has no history of allergies or asthma. Most importantly, none of his symptoms remotely resemble an allergic reaction. House: Allergens could trigger an allergic vasculitis. That would explain the symptoms. Foreman: One in a million times. Sceptic infection always explains his symptoms. House: But an infection is never resistant to every antibiotic. Foreman: An infection is rarely resistant – House: And allergy never responds to antibiotics. Never beats rarely. QED I won. There were chrysanthemums in his dressing room. Foreman: My God. Why didn’t you say he’d been exposed to plant life. House: Chrysanthemums contain pyrethrins, a neurotoxin and a know allergen. Foreman: He has an infection. If we give him steroids, we’ll kll him. House: He has an allergy. If we don’t give him steroids, we’ll kll him. Foreman: Not as fast. House: Fast enough. We don’t have time for the rest of the tests. We have to do something. And what we’re doing right now isn’t working. [House walks off, leaving Foreman staring after him. [Cut to pharmacy. House approaches the pharmacist.] House: A hundred milligrams methylprednisilone. Pharmacist: Patients’ names? House: It’s one patient. Pharmacist: You want to give one patient a hundred milligrams? That’ll jump-start a car. House: Perfect. The patient’s in a ’69 Ford Coma. Pharmacist: Anything over 50 milligrams, I need a sign-off from Dr. Cuddy. It’s protocol. And the inspector’s here. House: I am 99% certain that she’ll consent. [he heads behind the counter] For the sake of the 1%, why don’t I just… Pharmacist: You’re not allowed back here. House: Well, tell the inspector he can put it on my tab. [House pulls drugs from the shelf. The pharmacist shakes his head and picks up the phone. House leaves, hanging up the phone on his way.] House (continues): I didn’t mean now. [Cut to Evan’s room. House is injecting the steroids in Evan’s IV line. Cuddy enters and starts checking Evan’s chart.] Cuddy: 100 milligrams of methylprednisilone is an overdose. House: We were wrong about the infection. He’s suffering from a severe allergic reaction. Cuddy: The team hasn’t finished the test for allergy. His symptoms don’t – House: In rare cases… Trust me. At the end of this conversation, I’m right. Cuddy: Then confirm it. Get a blood test. House: What is it about this severe and deepening coma that makes you think we got time for protocol? Cuddy: Protocol has saved your patient from having his thyroid destroyed and his blood drained. House: If you think I’m wrong, tell me I’m wrong. Don’t talk about protocol. Cuddy: My job’s on the line. You’re job is on the line. House: Okay. Here’s what you do. You wait three minutes, then you call security. By the time they get here and lock me up, I’ll be done. He gets to live and your ass gets to be covered. Cuddy: If he dies, let me know. So I can pack my things. [Cut to musical montage of PPTH at night. Evan is still in a coma. Foreman, Cuddy, the new team doing tests with microscopes, House balancing his oversized ball on his cane handle. Cuddy enters House’s office.] Cuddy: Tests are negative. Patient’s negative for all floral allergies. [he follows her into the hall where she rings for an elevator] I’m gonna restart the antibiotics… if he’s still alive. [Cut to Cuddy at the nurses’ station] Cuddy: Ampicillin, 2 grams IV. [Pan to Evan’s room. Foreman is checking on Evan.] Foreman: Why? The steroids worked. House was right. Cuddy: The test was negative. [she picks up the chart as House enters the room] Foreman: He was still right. It was an allergy. House: To what? Evan: Thank you. House: I was wrong. [to Cuddy] You should have stopped me. [he leaves] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s at her desk, facing the windows. Conway enters behind her.] Conway: I heard about House’s patient. Bold move. And you backed him. Cuddy: He was right. Conway: He wasn’t even in the same neighborhood as right. Cuddy: The patient’s alive. Conway: Okay. The rules exist because 95% of the time, for 95% of the people, they’re the right thing to do. Cuddy: And the other 5%? Conway: Have to live by the same rules. Because everybody thinks they’re in that 5%. [She stares at him. He opens a folder as he sits down.] Okay. I notice that, uh, Dr. Chase… [Cut to Amber, asleep in bed. She rolls over and the bed swooshes. It’s a water bed. Wilson isn’t there. She sits up. Cut to the living room. Amber is wrapped in the top sheet. Wilson is on the floor with a blanket.] Amber: What are you doing out here? Wilson: I can’t sleep. I hate the waterbed. Amber: [sitting on the floor, next to him] I actually kind of like it. Wilson: No. It’s awful. We’re returning it tomorrow. Amber: Okay. [she lies down with him] I’m glad you got it, though. Wilson: Me too. I hope they’ll take it back. Amber: They will. [she snuggles closer, he chuckles] [Cut to House watching Prescription Passions.] Anna: You promised me you’d stop drinking. [a clunk as a glass hits a table] Brock: Of course I’m drunk, Anna. They told me you’d never wake up from that coma. Anna: But how could you get engaged to my sister? Brock: We fell in love. [Brock and House both drink] What do you want from me Anna? I’m just a man. Anna: And I’m just a woman. And as thrilled as I am about The Lady Slipper being the best nightclub Port Lawrence has ever seen, doesn’t compare to the happiness that I feel when – [House pauses the picture on Brock taking a drink. He drops the remote and stands] [Cut to Cuddy’s bedroom. She’s asleep and the phone is ringing. Once she answers it, the scene cuts between her and House in his office.] Cuddy: Hello? House: Don’t hang up. What was the verdict? Cuddy: $200,000 fine. House: You should have been fired. Cuddy: Good night, House. House: There are bubbles in his glass. Cuddy: Can’t this wait until – House: My patient is allergic to quinine. [Cuddy turns on the light and sits up.] Cuddy: And you got this from bubbles? House: The symptoms started two months ago. It’s also when Brock started downing gin and tonics like a Brit staving off malaria. The gin was fake. The tonic was real. Cuddy: And tonic water is loaded with quinine. Huh. Nice job. House: You should’ve been fired. Cuddy: I’m taking back the TV. House: I saved his life. Cuddy: That wasn’t the deal. House: The contract clearly stated no takesy backsides. Cuddy: Good night, House. House: What are you wearing. Cuddy: Good night, House. House: Good night, Cuddy. [He closes his cell phone.] [End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x14 - Living the Dream"}	foreverdreaming
[Opens with House getting a lap dance at a strip club.] DANCER: Do you like that? HOUSE: Uh...I don’t know. DANCER: Do you want me to use my butt again? HOUSE: [House see's a very short flashback of someone bleeding.] I don’t know how I got here. [Exhales into his hand and smells his breath.] How many drinks did I have? DANCER: Your scotch hasn’t even arrived yet. HOUSE: That means I was drunk when I got here. [Looks at his watch.] 8:50. [Thinks.] I remember being at work. I’ve lost at least four hours. [To the dancer.] Say five words. DANCER: [Still dancing.] What do you mean? HOUSE: That’s four words. The accepted diagnostic test for global memory impairment is five random words. DANCER: Are you okay? HOUSE: I’m...[Dancer sits on his lap.] Trying to find that out. Give me five... Animals. DANCER: Um...Cat. Bird. Monkey. Rhino. Goldfish. HOUSE: [Closes his eyes.] Monkey, Rhino... [Grabs his head.] Either I’m massively drunk – [Looks at blood on fingertips.] DANCER: [Sees the blood on his hand.] Oh, you’re bleeding. HOUSE: Or it’s someone else’s blood. Do you see a wound? [Dancer winces as she looks at his scalp.] How bad is it? DANCER: It’s all over. HOUSE: I have a concussion. Retrograde amnesia. [Pats his pockets.] I have no keys, no phone. I’ve been mugged. DANCER: No you haven’t. You already gave me a twenty. HOUSE: Did you earn it? DANCER: Not yet. [House has a momentary flashback of a woman.] HOUSE: Someone is going to die. DANCER: [Looks alarmed and yells toward the bouncer.] Kenny! HOUSE: Not you. I saw something, a symptom. Someone is going to die unless I find them. DANCER: Who? HOUSE: I have no idea. Keep the change. [House walks out of the strip club and hears sirens, walks out a bit further and sees a bus on its side with fre trucks, ambulances and police surrounding it. People are being stretchered off the bus and into the ambulances.] [Opening credits.] [Cut to PPTH emergency room. House is being treated by Cameron and is talking to Wilson. He looks around at all the injured people and sees another short flashback.] HOUSE: I saw somebody dying. WILSON: You saw thirty people flying into glass and metal. HOUSE: I saw a symptom before the crash. WILSON: You're concussed. You don't know what you saw and you don't know when you saw it. A week ago, you noticed a symptom in a soap star. HOUSE: Bad argument. Since I was right about that. WILSON: But your brain obviously thinks it happened last night. Wires are crossed. CAMERON: [Finishes pulling stuff out of Houses head.] That's all of it. A few stitches will hold your brain in place. [Starts trying to put in the first stitch.] HOUSE: [Pulls away.] Ow! CAMERON: Hey! Hold your head still unless you want me to sew your nose under your eye. HOUSE: Why was I taking the bus? WILSON: Because you were drunk. HOUSE: What if I saw someone and I followed them on from... Somewhere in Princeton? [Taub, Thirteen and Kutner walk up to House.] TAUB: You okay? HOUSE: Perfect. Uh...Uh...You. [Points to Taub.] Get histories from everyone in here. WILSON: Did you just forget his name? HOUSE: No. [To Thirteen] Lesbian. Find out if anybody on that bus was taken to other hospitals. THIRTEEN: You just forgot mine. HOUSE: No, Thirteen. I just wanted to call you a lesbian. THIRTEEN: I'm not a lesbian. HOUSE: I was rounding up, from 50%. [To Kutner] Find my cane and motorcycle. Figure out where I went last night. KUTNER: [Pulls out a pen and opens a file.] Where’s your cane and motorcycle? And where’d you go last night? HOUSE: You’re going to trust me? I lie about everything. [The three of them leave.] CAMERON. You’re staying the night. We need to monitor your brain for swelling. HOUSE: How much bigger could it get? WILSON: You don’t think it's – [House motions for Wilson to get the crutch nearby for him. Wilson grabs it and hands it to House.] A little weird that there’s both a giant crash and a simultaneous, mysterious symptom sighting? [House realises something.] HOUSE: What if it’s not a coincidence? WILSON: You mean like the hand of God reaching down and screwing with you? HOUSE: That... Or the symptom caused the crash. [Looks around.] Did you see anybody in a bus driver’s uniform? [Cut to House pulling a curtain open with the crutch, which he is using as a cane replacement, to reveal the bus driver, who is lying in a bed with some blood on him but he is awake. House takes a quick look and points to a bruise on his chest.] HOUSE: Right here. Purpura on Ralph Klamden’s neck, indicative of leukaemia. Caused a bleed in the brain, and hence the accident. WILSON: [Moves the bus driver’s shirt open a bit more revealing the bruise is in the shape of a seatbelt.] Indicative of wearing a seatbelt. It’s just a bruise. BUS DRIVER: I have leukaemia? HOUSE: No, we just ruled that out, pay attention. [To Wilson] He probably had a seizure. BUS DRIVER: I didn’t have a seizure. I got ht by a garbage truck. HOUSE: Which you drove into while you were seizing. WILSON: You saw the bus driver exhibiting the initial stages of a seizure and didn’t bother telling him to pull over? [Something in the distance catches House’s attention.] HOUSE: Hey! [House walks over to one of the crash victims being wheeled out in a wheelchair by a nurse.] Nobody leaves here until I say they can be discharged. WHEELCHAIR GUY: She said I was – HOUSE: Is she me? [Feels his forehead.] You have a fever. WHEELCHAIR GUY: No, I’m fine. NURSE: 98.6. HOUSE: I need him to stay. NURSE: Pulse is normal. BP’s normal. Everything’s normal. WHEELCHAIR GUY: I just have a stiff neck from the crash. HOUSE: Stiff neck. [Yells to everyone in the ER.] This man has meningitis. We need to quarantine the whole ER. No one leaves here until their full workup is complete. [Cut to House, Taub, Thirteen and Kutner in the Diagnostics Office, watching the surveillance tape of House leaving the hospital car park on his bike.] KUTNER: You left here at 5:23 p.m. Your motorcycle never made it home. HOUSE: Well, that covers ten seconds out of the four hours I can’t remember. Where else did you look? KUTNER: We did pull up a list of all of the injuries. Twenty-two victims were brought here, injuries ranging from a broken pelvis to a severed right foot. TAUB: The other eight were taken over to Princeton General. HOUSE: [Looking through the files.] It would be helpful if these came with head shts and resumes. THIRTEEN: [Reading off one of the files.] Twenty-something year-old Jane Doe. Kidney contusion, laceration on her leg – HOUSE: Both of which are expected complications when someone goes from 60 to 0 in no seconds flat. TAUB: The weirdest thing we’ve got is a ruptured spleen. HOUSE: Okay, new plan. We make a list of all the bars between here and the crash site. Find out where I went, we go there – TAUB: On it. [The three of them start to leave.] HOUSE: You’re not going to do anything, are you? THIRTEEN: We’re going to go to the ER and do our jobs. HOUSE: Someone is dying because I can’t remember – TAUB: When you remember, you can page us. KUTNER: [Turns back.] The shortest distance between here and your memory is straight through your prefrontal cortex. All we have to do is access it. TAUB: Great idea. I’ll build the giant submarine. You get the miniaturization gizmo. KUTNER: Medical hypnosis can bring the brain to a class II theta state, increasing focus and memory retrieval. HOUSE: You’re not doing to make me do the chicken dance, are you? KUTNER: Someone on the surgical department must be trained. [Cut to House’s office, where Chase is trying to hypnotize House with Wilson watching on.] CHASE: [In a soft voice.] Just relax. Keep letting go of any intrusive thoughts. HOUSE: [Lying back with his eyes closed.] So what, you saw an ad on the back of a comic book? CHASE: Shh… I did a rotation in Melbourne. Focus on the sound of your breath. WILSON: You're taxing an already injured brain. It’s like telling him to walk it off after a broken ankle. CHASE: Wilson is done talking now. [Chase glares at Wilson.] Visualize the bus. The way it looked. The way it smelled. The people on it. What they look like. HOUSE: This is a waste of... [Suddenly House is on the bus, which is empty.] Time. [Looks around.] Cool. [Chase appears on the bus in front of him.] CHASE: Focus on the details. HOUSE: The bus is empty. [House suddenly sees a hand waving in front of him. We are back in Houses office and we see that Wilson is waving his hand in House's face who is just staring straight ahead.] WILSON: Is this really working? CHASE [To Wilson]: Shh. [Resumes talking to House.] Just focus. Clear your mind. [Back on the bus, now Wilson is there too.] Think back to how you felt. Details you saw. HOUSE: [Looks around.] I can't see out the windows, and I can see you guys. CHASE: Memories further from the incident should be clearer. Where were you before you got on the bus? [Suddenly we see a bunch of liquor bottles, all simply labeled 'Liquor'. House is sitting at a bar, alone. He downs a sht of liquor, and then picks up a bottle of beer labeled 'Beer' and starts drinking that.] WILSON: Why did you get so drunk at five in the afternoon, alone? HOUSE: I need a reason? [Looks to his right and Wilson is sitting next to him.] God, I hate 'beer' brand beer. WILSON: [To Chase who appears on the other side of House.] When he's hypnotized, can he lie? CHASE: He... HOUSE: I can be mistaken, but I can't actually lie under hypnosis. [Continues drinking.] WILSON: [To Chase] Is he lying? CHASE: No. WILSON: What are you running away from? HOUSE: When I'm drinking without you? What am I running away from? Hmm, One of those imponderables. Can you hold off on your insecurities until we find this patient? CHASE: Do you see anyone in the bar? HOUSE: [Looks around sees some people playing pool, some just drinking, all of them have no faces.] I see a faceless crowd. How do I focus? Say something to make me focus. [Amber appears in the corner.] AMBER: He's concerned about you. Why does that mean he's insecure? HOUSE: [To Wilson] Will you get your girlfriend out of here? AMBER: It's a legit question. WILSON: Amber's there? You've got Amber in your head? HOUSE: You put her in my head. I can't even have a conversation with you in my subconscious without her tagging along. WILSON: Well she better have her clothes on. HOUSE: [Sighs] Unfortunately. [Pause] I didn't mean to say that out loud. WILSON: Say what out loud? HOUSE: I didn't say it out loud? Nothing. WILSON: What's going on in there? HOUSE: [To Chase] If I can't lie, I need these two out of here. CHASE: Let's just ignore Wilson and Amber for now, shall we? HOUSE: I wish it were that – [Notices that Wilson and Amber have disappeared.] That's some program they got down there in Melbourne. [He picks up a fluted glass of what looks like champagne.] Cheers. [House looks up as he raises his glass and sees the bartender.] I remember the bartender. CHASE: Good. Now you're accessing your temporal lobe. Does the bartender have any odd symptoms? HOUSE: He seems fine. [Looks around] Anybody here sick? Anyone here taking the bus? BARTENDER: You are. HOUSE: [Looks at the bartender again.] Because... You took my keys. CHASE: Good. This is good. Now we can retrace your steps. Let's go back to the bus. What's in front of you? HOUSE: [Back on the bus. He can see all the passengers.] Passengers. CHASE: Anything, special about them? [House see's a dark haired woman who smiles at him and he smiles back, then he notices a guy coughing.] HOUSE: Some emo guitar hero wannabe. CHASE: You're focusing on him, why? HOUSE: [Emo Guy picks his nose.] Because nose picking could mean nasal pruritus. He's dying. [Cut to the ER. House walks up to Emo Guy who is being attended to by Cuddy.] HOUSE: [To Emo Guy.] You a nose picker? EMO GUY: Do I have to answer? HOUSE: If the answer was no, you would have answered. Tilt your head back. CUDDY: He’s fine. He doesn’t even have meningitis, just like everybody else we’ve had to give meningitis shts to. [To Emo Guy.] You can go. HOUSE: You have a brain tumour. EMO GUY: You’re kidding, right? HOUSE: If I was kidding, I’d be dressed like you. CUDDY: You’re fine. A nurse will sign you out. HOUSE: Go home. Have fun. Relax. I’m probably just a nut case. [Emo Guy looks at Cuddy.] CUDDY: [Sighs.] Tilt your head back. HOUSE: [Looks in Emo Guy’s nose, sees nothing of interest.] You can get your things and go. CUDDY: [To House] You need to rest. I’m admitting you. BUS DRIVER: [Yelling.] Oh! Oh! I can’t get up. I can’t move my legs. HOUSE: Your legs are not your biggest problem. Your biggest problem is... I don’t know what your biggest problem is. [Cut to everyone in the Diagnostics Office] HOUSE: So, we have the who, but not the what. TAUB: We’ve only got one symptom to go on. Sudden onset paralysis. HOUSE: We actually have two symptoms. FOREMAN: Only one that we remember. TAUB: You did a full work up on the guy. Did you find anything? [House shakes his head.] KUTNER: CT ruled out subdural hematoma, stroke, or subarachnoid hemorrhage. THIRTEEN: Guillain-Barré fits. HOUSE: [Makes some weird arm movements, everyone looks at him.] I’m just trying to figure out what Guillain-Barré looks like. THIRTEEN: You can’t just eliminate everything because it doesn’t match what you might have seen. HOUSE: How about because it doesn’t match what I could have seen? Guillain-Barré has no external physical manifestations. FOREMAN: Everything has some external physical manifestations, and you’re obsessive enough to notice any of them. Which means there’s nothing we can rule out. KUTNER: Elevated white count means transverse myelitis is... TAUB: Sudden paralysis while driving a bus. That’s the sort of subtle clue that only a genius would have noticed. [Sips coffee. House has a short flashback of someone on the bus drinking coffee. House takes Taub’s coffee away from him and sniffs it.] KUTNER: Are you sure you’re feeling okay? [House puts the coffee down, gets up and starts to leave.] THIRTEEN: Where are you going? HOUSE: To smell a bus, obviously. [Taub, Thirteen and Kutner follow him out. Foreman stays behind.] FOREMAN: Yeah, I’ll uh, start him on antibiotics in case it’s transverse myelitis. You guys go sniff a city bus. [Cut to House in the ER pulling passenger clothes out of a box and smelling them.] THIRTEEN: Why are you smelling the passengers’ clothes? HOUSE: Smell is the most powerful evokerater of memory. [Takes a couple of Vicodin.] I need to get back on that bus. TAUB: Okay. So why are you taking so much Vicodin? HOUSE: If Cuddy asks, blocking the pain helps focus the memory. THIRTEEN: You split your head open, you should rest. [Hands him another piece of clothing.] Anything? HOUSE: A hint of... Exploded bus. [Takes another couple of Vicodin.] TAUB: House, that’s four Vicodin in forty seconds. At this rate... HOUSE: [Dumping all the clothes onto the table.] Wish me luck. I’m going in. Rambo style. [Slams his head down in the clothes.] TAUB: House, do you think this is going to work, or are you just stoned? HOUSE: [Stands up again and now he's back on the bus.] Both, apparently. BUS DRIVER: You’re wrong. It’s not working. HOUSE: So, you’re saying I’m not here. [Walking towards the bus driver.] BUS DRIVER: If this were a real memory, you’d be limping. [House looks down and notices that he isn't limping.] And you wouldn’t be talking to me. I’m obviously a hallucination. HOUSE: Okay. So I went a little heavy on the Vicodin. BUS DRIVER. Better hope so. Because otherwise, that means that your brain’s bleeding. HOUSE: We’re both in my head. You’d think one of us would have noticed the blood. BUS DRIVER: Why haven’t you had a head CT yet? HOUSE: Who do you want me to treat? Me or you? Did you have a seizure? BUS DRIVER: Dumb question. The brain’s too fried during a seizure to form memories. HOUSE: Dumb answer. I wasn’t asking you, I was asking me. Because you’ve already proven that you're not here. BUS DRIVER: I’m getting a headache. HOUSE: Is that a clue? BUS DRIVER: Again, I’m not here. You’re getting a headache. Stop arguing with a hallucination and get some treatment. MYSTERY WOMAN: He can’t. [House turns around and sees that same dark haired woman from earlier on, now there are other passengers around.] The hallucination is your messed up brain’s way of reasoning out a problem. HOUSE: You weren’t on the bus. MYSTERY WOMAN: How do you know? HOUSE: Five hundred dollar shoes. Not on a Princeton cross-town. MYSTERY WOMAN: Must be another reason why I’m here. HOUSE: Yes. What do you have to tell me? [Wilson slaps his hand on House’s shoulder, bringing him back to the present. House is annoyed.] I was talking to the passengers on the bus! WILSON: You were hallucinating. You’re getting an MRI. [Cut to House in the MRI. He scratches his beard.] WILSON: [Monitoring the test.] Stop fidgeting. HOUSE: If you haven’t found the bleed yet, it can’t be – WILSON: There’s edema, and localized swelling in the section of the temporal lobe that controls short-term memory. Also, the penis size cortex is set to pathetic. What didn’t you say out loud? HOUSE: Very little. WILSON: When you were under hypnosis, you were talking to Amber? HOUSE: I wanted to see her naked. WILSON: Seriously, what were you hiding? HOUSE: I want to see her naked. WILSON: You want to see everyone naked. Why would you hide that? HOUSE: [Laughs.] Well some guys get upset when you objectify their girlfriends. But if you’re okay, I’ve got a digital video camera. So we could – WILSON: Why would I be upset that you’re treating my girlfriend like you treat every other woman on the planet, unless...You’re not? Unless it’s deeper than that. You WEREN'T objectifying her. HOUSE: Trust me. I want to do some very nasty, demeaning stuff to your girlfriend. WILSON: You have feelings for her. [Pauses as he looks at the screen] This is bad. [Cut to Radiology viewing room. Cuddy and Wilson are looking at the scans while House stands on the other side of the room with his back to them.] CUDDY: It’s a longitudinal fracture of the temporal bone. HOUSE: I banged my head. CUDDY: This isn’t just a boo-boo. HOUSE: I’ll rest once I’ve figured out what’s wrong with this guy. WILSON: Why? Why this guy? You want patients with weird undiagnosed symptoms? You get five files like that on your desk every morning and you’d never risk your life for them. [House turns around.] Why is this guy so special, so that you become Batman? HOUSE: I don’t know. CUDDY: Maybe it’s because you have a cracked skull, and you’re not yourself. Go home. Go to sleep. [House nods.] [Cut to the Cafeteria. House is scribbling notes on a pad: Thymoma Twitch in the hands Legionnaires Thyroid cancer Lymphoma Myoclonic jerk Thyroid Myelitis He puts some question marks next to Legionnaires and then circles it. Writes something else on the pad and then draws an arrow from Lymphoma to Thymoma. He turns the page over and suddenly gets a bad migraine. He puts his head in his hands for a few seconds and then goes back to what he was doing.] [Cut to Bus driver’s room. Thirteen and Foreman are helping him stand.] BUS DRIVER: My legs are holding. THIRTEEN: Good, now put all your weight on your right leg. [House enters.] The antibiotics are working. It’s TM. FOREMAN: It’s two in the morning. You should be home resting what’s left of your bruised brain. HOUSE: Recovery’s too fast. THIRTEEN: What, the fact that he’s getting better is evidence that we’re wrong? BUS DRIVER: [Groans] I need to sit. [They help him back onto his bed.] FOREMAN: Recovery slow enough for you now? BUS DRIVER: It’s my stomach. Oh... [Lies down on his back.] HOUSE: Which means it’s not transverse myelitis. THIRTEEN: Rapid onset. It could be a perforated ulcer. HOUSE: Wouldn’t explain the paralysis. Addison’s, from a tumour. It’s possible that I saw his eyelids droop. FOREMAN: We’ve scanned his head five times. [Looks at House and notices blood dripping from his ear.] You’re bleeding. HOUSE: A little thing called a bus crash. It’s just a scalp laceration. It could be hidden in his optic chiasm. FOREMAN: It’s coming from your ear. You think that’s a good thing? HOUSE: [Ignores Foreman.] But that would have affected his eyesight. I need to take a bath. [Cut to Sensory Deprivation tnk room. House is standing in a tnk of water pouring salt in while thirteen watches on.] THIRTEEN: Hallucinations and smells were kind of working, right? Why the bath? HOUSE: Hypnosis gave me a nose picker. Smells set off hallucinations. Sensory deprivation should get the brain into an alpha-theta phase. [Hands the rest of the salt to Thirteen and then takes off his shirt.] Didn’t you see Altered States? THIRTEEN: I don’t think I was even born when that movie was out. HOUSE: Well then you’re too young to be a doctor. That movie was released in 1980. THIRTEEN: That was twenty-eight years ago. HOUSE: No, it wasn’t, shut up. THIRTEEN: Did you just forget what year it is? HOUSE: No. I just remembered how old I am. [Gets into the tnk.] I need to give my brain time to transition so I can embrace my inner monkey. Or maybe I don’t. Give me some physostigmine. It crosses the blood-brain barrier. THIRTEEN: And act like a nerve gas, stop your heart, you’ll go to heaven and be omniscient. Good idea. Not going to happen. [Starts closing the lid. House stops her.] HOUSE: Don’t do anything. Even if I escape. Eat a goat. Get sht by police – THIRTEEN: Wasn’t born yet means I won’t be entertained by further reference. [Closes the lid as House lies down.] [Cut to House on the Bus, Cuddy is sitting nearby.] CUDDY: I didn’t know you rode the bus. HOUSE: I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some mothers got MAD-D. What are you doing here? You weren’t on the bus with me. CUDDY: [Gets up and walks over to House.] Then I guess this isn’t a memory. It’s a fantasy. HOUSE: If it’s a fantasy, you’d be wearing... This. [Cuddy clothes suddenly change to a much skimpier outfit.] CUDDY: You’re convinced your patient is dying, and you want to waste your time with a sex fantasy? HOUSE: Don’t blame me. Blame my gender. CUDDY: Well, I’m not here to indulge that. I’m here to help you figure out what symptom you saw. Your patient was driving the bus, so all you could see – HOUSE: Why can’t you do both? [Cue cheesy strip tease music as Cuddy starts to dance around a pole that just appeared, the bus has now morphed into a strip club.] CUDDY: Your patient was driving the bus, so all you could see was him sitting down. Most likely facing forward. HOUSE: [House smiles as he watches Cuddy.] From behind, I saw his earlobes wiggling. Or his head bobbing. [Cuddy takes off her top and drops it on House's face. House sits stunned for a few seconds and then takes it off his face, as Cuddy gives him a nice look at her ass.] But not that. CUDDY: Could indicate aortic insufficiency. HOUSE: Marfan’s syndrome. CUDDY: Or syphilis. [Takes off her skirt. She is now just wearing her white bra and underwear - which are glowing under the black light - and her black stiletto’s as she swings around the pole to face House again.] HOUSE: What if his earlobes were just drooping? CUDDY: Ehlers-Danlos? HOUSE: Or cutis laxa. CUDDY: It’s not fatal in adults. [She turns around. With her back to House she unclips her bra.] HOUSE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s an adult, very good point. Keep going. [She holds her bra up and turns around to House again who is leaning forward watching very closely.] CUDDY: I’m distracting you. [She stops dancing, and sits down beside House. She’s wearing a suit again.] HOUSE: [Screams.] No! Dance, woman! CUDDY: You’d rather be diagnosing. HOUSE: I screamed no. CUDDY: And your own subconscious ignored you. Because you’d rather fantasize about finding symptoms. How screwed up is that? BUS DRIVER: Hey, over here. [House looks up at the bus driver and Cuddy disappears.] Remember me? I’m the sick guy. [House gets up and walks over, without limping.] HOUSE: Tell me what I saw. BUS DRIVER: Was it the blood dripping from my ear? [Shows House his ear which is dripping blood.] HOUSE: That doesn’t make sense. Because your shirt wasn’t stained. And because that was me. [House’s ear starts bleeding.] BUS DRIVER: I could have had a subtle hemiballismus, indicating the early stages of Huntington’s. HOUSE: Huntington’s wouldn’t explain the abdominal pain. And it’s only on the table because we’re thinking of Thirteen. BUS DRIVER: A shuffling gait could suggest Parkinson’s. HOUSE: Except there’s no such thing as shuffling sitting. MYSTERY WOMAN: [Appears behind him.] He moved when he helped the old lady up the steps. HOUSE: [Turns around and walks over to her.] Who are you? MYSTERY WOMAN: I’m the answer. Look. HOUSE: At what? BUS DRIVER: Here. [House turns around, the bus is full of people and the Bus Driver is helping an old lady up the steps.] HOUSE: [To Mystery Woman.] You were right. [Turns around and is suddenly blinded with light, which brings him back to the present as Foreman, Cuddy, Wilson, and Thirteen open the lid to the tnk.] CUDDY: Help him up. HOUSE: [Jumps up.] I got it! It’s Parkinson’s. THIRTEEN: House. Your ear. HOUSE: Start him on levodopa. WILSON: You should sit down. [House throws up.] CUDDY: House! [House collapses. They manage to catch him as he falls into the tnk and passes out.] [Cut to House’s apartment. House wakes up with a nurse shining a light in his eyes.] HOUSE: Get that out of my face. NURSE: Welcome back. I’m Nurse Dickerson. HOUSE: I don’t need your name. And I got your profession from your super competent technique of melting my retinas. NURSE: Verbal faculties seem to be intact. Do you remember passing out? HOUSE: I remember puking on Cuddy’s shoes. [Turns his head.] Ow. NURSE: Yeah. Skull fractures tend to hurt. HOUSE: It’d hurt a lot less if you didn’t swipe my pain pills. NURSE: Dr. Cuddy’s orders. Wants me to regulate the amount – HOUSE: [Sees a security guard standing near the door.] Wait a second, you brought muscle? NURSE: Dr. Cuddy’s orders. HOUSE: Means I was wrong. My patient doesn’t have Parkinson’s. Cuddy knows that’s the only reason I wouldn’t want to stay here with my pain pills, prn, and you forever. [Tries to sit up, Nurse Dickerson pushes him back down.] NURSE: Vomiting means your brain injury is getting worse. [Cut to Diagnostics Office. Kutner is look at House's MRI.] KUTNER: House’s skull fracture extends all the way down to his ear canal. FOREMAN: House is being looked after. Our other patient has jaundice, low albumin, and no diagnosis. THIRTEEN: Wilson’s disease. FOREMAN: Thank you. But Wilson’s wouldn’t explain – [Phone rings and he answers it.] Foreman. HOUSE: [Lying on his couch using his mobile.] How did you eliminate Parkinson’s? FOREMAN: Well, the tests confirmed the abdominal pain was caused by liver failure. HOUSE: I assume you’ve already ruled out hepatitis and Wilson’s. KUTNER: You should really be resting. THIRTEEN: Give him five minutes. Brainstorming a few possibilities isn’t going to explode his brain. HOUSE: Then if she’s wrong, that makes this phone call that much more exciting. What about hepatic fibrosis? FOREMAN: Can’t be, his alk-phos was normal. TAUB: It could be thyrotoxic periodic paralysis. HOUSE: Did I mention this diagnosis needs to make sense? FOREMAN: Why doesn’t it make sense? The bus driver’s Asian, his potassium is slightly low – HOUSE: If he got paralysed while driving the bus, don’t you think I would have gotten off at the next stop? THIRTEEN: Not if the next stop was at a 90 degree angle into an SUV. HOUSE: The bus would have slowed, I would have noticed – NURSE: Phone call’s over. [Tries to take the phone off House, he switches hands to avoid her grasp.] TAUB: TPP has all the confirmed symptoms. There’s no downside to testing. HOUSE: Genetic test is too slow. [Nurse takes phone away from him so he yells out.] Run the bagel test! [Cut to Cardiology testing room. The Bus driver is on a treadmill and eating bagels.] BUS DRIVER: How many more bagels do I have to eat for this to work? THIRTEEN: High carbs plus exercise is the quickest way to confirm TPP. BUS DRIVER: I’ve been on this for half an hour. I’m not going to collapse again. THIRTEEN: Up the speed. TAUB: Keep eating. [Kutner’s phone rings.] KUTNER: [Answers it.] Yeah? HOUSE: [In his bathroom using a different phone.] So the carbo-loading marathon isn’t working. [Kutner looks around surprised.] Stop looking around suspiciously. To answer your next two questions, no, I am not there, and yes, you are completely predictable. If the test had worked, you would have called to put my delicate brain at ease. [Nurse knocks on the bathroom door.] NURSE: I told you not to lock the door. HOUSE: [Yells out.] Still wiping! [To Kutner.] Put the phone up to bus driver’s grill. [Kutner does as he’s told and House listens to the bus driver’s breathing.] NURSE: Who are you talking to? HOUSE: My large colon. [To Kutner.] TPP is not consistent with your patient’s laboured breathing. KUTNER: The patient has laboured breathing because he’s been on a treadmill for the last thirty minutes. NURSE: Did you take my cell phone? HOUSE: My large colon did. I’m negotiating its release. BUS DRIVER: Help! HOUSE: What’s happening? [Bus driver collapses. They put an oxygen mask over his mouth as he takes some deep breaths.] KUTNER: The test worked. He collapsed. HOUSE: You’re half right. He’s wheezing, isn’t he? KUTNER: Yeah. HOUSE: You can’t wheeze without moving your chest muscles. This isn’t TPP. KUTNER: Then what is it? HOUSE: Well how am I supposed to know? I’m not there! [Hangs up the phone.] [Cut to Bus Driver’s room. The team is performing an ultrasound.] TAUB: Right heart strain, he’s still not oxygenating. KUTNER: It must be a pulmonary embolism. [Cuddy walks in with House.] HOUSE: So why haven’t you pushed a vial of tPA? KUTNER: You let him back in? CUDDY: I asked him back in. HOUSE: At the tail end of me patiently explaining how you idiots were idiots. THIRTEEN: We pushed tPA ten minutes ago. HOUSE: That means it’s not a clot. TAUB: It has to be a clot. If he had a bagel stuck in his windpipe, I’d have seen it on the echo. FOREMAN: Get him to the OR to suck it out. HOUSE: Must have just screwed up the intubation. [Checks the tube.] Seal’s good. TAUB: It’s a clot, House. [They start moving him out.] HOUSE: Wait, wait. [They stop.] Look at his teeth. He’s got shiny new caps. He’s had recent dental surgery. CUDDY: You can tell us what that means while we’re rolling him to the OR. [Just as Everyone besides House, Thirteen and the Bus Driver step out of the room. House shuts the door and stops it from being opened with his crutch.] THIRTEEN: House! CUDDY: House! HOUSE: House! [Turns around and sees Thirteen standing there.] Oh. [To Thirteen] Get a syringe. CUDDY: [Yelling through the glass.] I didn’t bring you back here so you could stage a coup! [Kutner tries to open the door but it doesn't budge. Thirteen goes to remove the crutch.] HOUSE: Listen to me. [She stops.] Dental air drill pushed an air bubble into his gums. Dislodged while he was driving, and caused a myoclonic jerk. That’s what I must have seen. Then it ht his spine, his liver, and now his lungs. [Moves the pillows from his head and sticks them under his feet.] CUDDY: [Knocks on the glass.] Dr. Hadley, open the door. (Transcribers note: We have a name! From here on out I will be referring to Thirteen as Hadley.) HOUSE: I’m not plumping his pillows here. I’m putting him in the Trendelenburg position to move the bubble to the apex of his heart so you can suck it out, now get the damn syringe. CUDDY: I can’t risk you sab him in the heart looking for an unconfirmed air bubble. HOUSE: sab him. CUDDY: [Bangs on the glass again.] Dr. Hadley! HOUSE: See? She doesn’t even know your name. [Yells.] sab his heart! [Machines start beeping.] HADLEY: [Looks at the screen.] Sat’s at 75. HOUSE: Yes, he's suffocating. HADLEY: If you’re wrong – HOUSE: Shut up and make a decision. You keep standing there, he’s dad either way. CUDDY: Dr. Hadley! HADLEY: [To Cuddy] I’m sorry. CUDDY: Open that door. [Hadley sab his heart just as they finally manage to get the door open.] HOUSE: [Holds up his hands.] Don’t sh*t! CUDDY: Get him to the OR. HADLEY: The O2 sats. [Machines stop beeping.] There was an air bubble. He’s okay. [Cut to House getting into bed.] HOUSE: The other nurse always used to tuck me in. CUDDY: I’ll be on the couch. With a gn in my lap. HOUSE: Worrying about me? CUDDY: Making sure you don’t try and make a limp for the border. Get some sleep. [Turns out the light.] [House lies on his side and closes his eyes, two seconds later he opens them again. He walks to the living room, not limping. He looks at the person asleep on the chair.] HOUSE: I’m not sleepy, Mummy. MYSTERY WOMAN: [Takes the blanket off and sits up.] Me neither. HOUSE: Who are you? And why are you stalking me? MYSTERY WOMAN: Technically, you’re stalking me. [She plays with her necklace.] HOUSE: [Looks at her necklace which is a yellow orangey colour with something in it.] What is that? Mosquito? MYSTERY WOMAN: Maybe just a fly. HOUSE: In the ointment. So there’s something wrong. There’s some detail I’m not noticing that’s spoiling the big picture. [Mystery Woman gently brushes House’s hand against her cheek.] HOUSE: Is this significant? Or is this dream just going in a different direction now? MYSTERY WOMAN: I guess that depends. [Still brushing House’s hand against her cheek.] What are you going to do with that? HOUSE: [House looks his hand which has a red ribbon in it.] I have to tie this around you. [Ties it around her leg.] MYSTERY WOMAN: I’m cold. HOUSE: Stay with me. Why did I say that? [Blood starts to ooze onto the ribbon.] [Cut to House waking up in bed. He walks into the Living room, this time he is limping. He walks over to Cuddy sleeping in his chair and sits on the edge of it as he shakes her awake.] HOUSE: Hey. CUDDY: Go away. HOUSE: It’s not over. [She turns around and looks at him.] I saved the wrong person. [She sits up.] [Cut to House still in his living room but now he is dressed and is putting his shoes on.] HOUSE: This wasn’t just a dream or a fantasy, or a drug-induced trip to Wonderland. CUDDY: So the bus driver with the air bubble was just a coincidence? HOUSE: Nope. I got the causation flipped. The bubble didn’t cause the crash. The crash caused the bubble to dislodge. There was no myoclonic jerk. I saw something else in someone else. CUDDY: You’re not leaving. [House walks over to the closet and pulls out a blood pressure arm band and puts it around his arm and starts pumping.] HOUSE: What’s the most dangerous thing a patient could do when his brain is on the brink of herniating? CUDDY: Elevated heart rate, BP... Which is exactly why you need to stop. [House grabs her hand and sticks it on his neck so she can check his heart rate.] HOUSE: Instead of sleeping, I’m going to be pacing around this apartment trying to decipher those visions. CUDDY: Why does this matter so much? HOUSE: I don’t know. Heart rate? CUDDY: 127. HOUSE: BP? [She walks away and grabs a stethoscope.] Contextual memory. I need to get back on that bus with all 31 passengers to remember who and what I saw. CUDDY: I’m not going to call in crash victims because you’ve gone insane. HOUSE: Maybe I don’t need the actual victims. [Cut to all the House regulars and some extras standing on the bus with signs hanging from their neck showing a picture of the victim they are portraying. House is directing them all to sit in certain spots based on what he remembers.] HOUSE: Who’s playing Anne McKeehan? [Cameron raises her hand.] Right here. Jane Doe #2 from Princeton General. [Hadley.] Right here. You two, that’s right. Goth kid. [Points to where to sit, Kutner sits there.] Yeah. [Foreman walks up to House.] At the back on the right. [Foreman sits.] Yeah. Here. [Everyone is now in their places.] Okay... CHASE: You think that staring at pictures on our shirts is going to be more effective than hypnosis? HOUSE: Well, if only you’d stop talking, the re-enactment could stimulate activity in my hippocampus and parahippocampal cortex. CAMERON: How long do we have to sit here before you are stimulated? [House gets a small flashback of the woman Cameron was portraying on the bus.] ANN: Stop staring at my breasts. And don’t say or lack thereof. [Back to present.] CAMERON: [Stands up.] Are you okay? [House stares into space.] What’d you see? HOUSE: It just slipped away. [Takes some pills.] CUDDY: Is that Vicodin? HOUSE: Nope. Just a little memory pick-me-up. CAMERON: [Takes them out of his hands and looks at the label.] It’s physostigmine. CUDDY: Are you crazy? Alzheimer’s drugs will make your brain go into overdrive. HOUSE: That’s the point. It’ll speed up my neuronal fring. Turn up the voltage on my memory. WILSON: And blow out your heart. How many did you take? HOUSE: Just now? Or including the ones I took on the ride over? CUDDY: House, this isn’t worth – [Flashback to bus. All the passengers are there, House sits down.] MYSTERY WOMAN: House. HOUSE: [Looks to his right and sees the mystery woman sitting facing him. She is wearing a red scarf now.] Why are you here? MYSTERY WOMAN: You believe in reason above all else. There must be a reason. HOUSE: You have something to tell me. MYSTERY WOMAN: Yes. Who am I? HOUSE: That’s asking, not telling. Who are you? MYSTERY WOMAN: You know who I am. HOUSE: If I did, I’d be passed out in bed instead of OD’ing on physostigmine on the 6th Street cross-town. MYSTERY WOMAN: What’s my necklace made of? HOUSE: [Looks down at the necklace.] Resin. MYSTERY WOMAN: Who am I? HOUSE: I don’t know. Why the guessing game? MYSTERY WOMAN: Because you don’t know the answer. HOUSE: And if I don’t, you don’t. But you know the clues. MYSTERY WOMAN: I know what’s bugging your subconscious. What’s my necklace made of? HOUSE: [Looks at the necklace again, realises and whispers.] No. MYSTERY WOMAN: Who am I? HOUSE: [Shakes his head.] Doesn’t make sense. MYSTERY WOMAN: What’s my necklace made of? HOUSE: Amber. [Now we see the real memory. The mystery woman turns into Amber and we can see out the windows, the bus is moving. Suddenly from behind Amber House sees headlights coming towards the side of the bus. It hits, glass shatters, Amber gets thrown out of her seat onto the floor and people start screaming. In slow motion we see Amber lose her bag as she tries to hang on to the pole near the door and House hangs on to his seat. The bus driver tries to control the bus as it is spinning but fails to keep it upright, the bus flips on its side and keeps sliding forward, House loses his cane and smashes his head. Both Amber and House try to hang on to whatever they can, they reach out and hold hands for a second but then lose grip and are unable to grab on a second time. The bus slides into something and everything goes black. House comes to, looks around and sees a lot of injured people. He then sees Amber trying to sit up. She has a nasty gash in her head and a pole going through her leg. She sees the pole and starts to freak out. House manages to crawl over to her.] HOUSE: I have to tie this around you. [Removes the red scarf from around her neck and uses it as a tourniquet around her right leg.] AMBER: I’m cold. HOUSE: Stay with me. Just stay with me. [House ties the scarf tight around her leg and then passes out. It goes black. House briefly comes to as the paramedics are taking Amber away. He reaches out but they are already gone. He’s eventually able to get out of the bus on his own. A Paramedic sees him getting out of the bus.] PARAMEDIC: Sir, are you all right? Are you all right? Are you injured anywhere? [House shows his hands to the paramedic which have some blood on them, he wipes it off and then points to where House can receive more treatment.] They’ll take care of you over there. [House limps away in the direction of the strip club. As House walks we see a black and white flash of Cuddy kissing someone and then a fist pounding something. And then we see it again, then we just hear the pounding, House looks up to the sky, and it cuts back to the present.] [We see House on the floor of the bus as Cuddy and Wilson are performing CPR on him, everyone else is watching on looking worried. House eventually comes to.] CUDDY: He’s coming out of it. KUTNER: [Feels House's neck as House is still trying to catch his breath.] Strong pulse. CUDDY: You idiot! Your heart stopped. HOUSE: Amber. WILSON: What? HOUSE: Amber. It was Amber. [Tries to sit up, Cuddy helps his head onto her lap.] She was on the bus. WILSON: You almost kll yourself, and all we’re getting is drug-induced fantasies. HOUSE: Have you spoken to her? WILSON: She’s probably working. She’s... She’s been on call. [Looks at his watch.] I called her... [Starts to realise.] She didn’t call... I... I... How could she... HOUSE: I don’t know... Jane Doe #2. HADLEY: [Realises what he wants, grabs the file and starts reading from it.] Female. Late twenties. Kidney damage. Does Amber have a birthmark on her right shoulder blade? [Looks at Wilson. Wilson turns and looks at House.] HOUSE: She was on the bus with me. She’s the one who’s dying. [End.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x15 - House's Head"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a close up a red ant’s. The camera pulls back to show it walking on a metal honeycomb — the wall of an elevator — until it gets swatted with a newspaper by Lou. She and Patty are in an elevator. Patty is non-stop texting.] Patty: Who picked this dump? Lou: You suggested it. Patty: I suggested you look into it. Lou: Sorry. The online reviews — Patty: Were obviously written by some geek in their own marketing department. Next time, call someone you know. Stop relying on a computer to do your job for you. Lou: Bright Size Apparel. Eight sexual harassment suits in two years. Patty: Who asked for the meeting? Lou: They did. [As they reach their floor, Patty sneezes. Lou pulls a handkerchief out of her purse as she follows Patty off the elevator.] Patty: Patty Michener, president of Women's Majority. [They’re in a boardroom. The men around the table are leafing through copies of a report.] And wow — do you guys need me! Nine men. No one thought it might be a good idea to put a suit on one of the gals from the steno pool to make it look like you give a damn? CEO: We've made it a priority to promote more women, but… Patty: Well, from now on you have me standing beside you, which is good. [Lou slaps her neck and makes a face when she sees it was an ant crawling on her.] Because your problem is a national problem. CEO: With all due respect, Miss Michener, I'd hardly call a few isolated incidents a national problem. Patty: Six out of ten victims never even report harassment. [Lou looks at the folder she’s holding. Several ants are crawling over it. She checks her front and finds several more inside her shirt and bra.] Patty (continues): This is bigger than just eight women. Flunky: That still only means 20. [Lou looks at her hand, which has about a dozen ants on it. As Patty speaks, she starts pulling at her clothes as she feels them crawling in her shirtfront, on her back and her neck.] Patty: Not enough for you? How many asses does your corporate policy allow you to grab? Tell you what you're gonna do. You're gonna settle with anyone you haven't settled with. You're gonna fre any man who’s even been accused. [Lou drops the folders and starts unbuttoning her jacket.] Lou: Somebody help me! Please help me. I can't get 'em off! Please help me! Help me, please! Somebody help me! Get 'em off. [She rips her blouse open and slaps frantically at her skin while the men gape.] Patty: You gonna call an ambulance, or are you just gonna sit there and stare? Lou: [screaming] Help me, please! [Opening Credits] [Cut to Coma Guy’s room. House is playing a video game on the TV. Coma Guy’s hand is doing duty as a cup holder. Cuddy enters.] Cuddy: Wilson's back. You gonna say — House: He's been gone two months. He can wait till I finish slaying a guy in a skullcap and a pair of tights. Cuddy: On a video game you stole from the pediatric ward? House: On advice of counsel, I assert my privilege pursuant to the fifth. [Cuddy unplugs the TV. House looks annoyed as he stops playing.] Cuddy: When was the last time you talked to him? House: Uh, I think it was after... When did his girlfriend die? He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to tread on your turf. Foreman: [enters] We got a case. House: I've gotta remember to close the blinds. Foreman: Just got a call from Patty Michener from Women's Majority, the women's rights — Cuddy: We know who she is. House: I dated her. Well, not really dated her. More metaphorically rped her by having a penis. [to Foreman] You did too. Foreman: Her assistant flipped out. Ripped off her clothes in front of a room full of businessmen. House: Well, either she cracked under the whip, or she started to realize that her evolutionary purpose is to arouse men, not to castrate them. Send her to psychiatric. Foreman: Anemia, bradycardia, and abdominal pain aren't psychiatric symptoms. House: Then it's the latter. Send her to my apartment. [He reaches for the file.] Cuddy: I'll give it to Segal. Foreman: House actually wants a case, and you're saying no? Cuddy: House has more important things to do. House: Sorry, can't help you. You need a specialist to remove those kind of warts. Preferably one with experience spelunking. [House and Foreman leave. Cuddy removes House’s cup from Coma Guy’s hand.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House is pacing while doing the DDX.] House: Hallucinations, possible memory loss. Tests show anemia, slow heart rate, and a stubborn refusal to shave her pits. Taub: Have you seen Wilson? House: Nope. But I have seen the patient's frequent flyer balance. Eastern Europe, Asia, third-world countries. Sometimes more than one a day. Thirteen: No fever means it's not a tropical disease. Kutner: If it's not where she went, maybe it's the work hours. Could be amphetamine abuse. She's probably popping them like breath mints. Foreman: You haven't been by his office? House: Is Wilson hallucinating ants crawling all over him too? Tox screen's cleaner than the windows she won't do. [His pacing brings him to the windows for the second time. He looks out.] Taub: Her job keeps her constantly on the road, probably living off of airline peanuts and diet soda. Severe B12 deficiency could cause all her symptoms. Thirteen: Why is everyone leaping to conclude a strong career woman's been made sick by her strong career? It's not B12, it's an insulinoma in her pancreas. It's making her hypoglycemic. House: [big sigh] Great. Now everyone knows. Taub: You knew the patient had cancer? House: Is that what she said? I thought she said, "I am suddenly and irrationally defending the patient's strong career, even though in reality she's just a glorified grunt, because I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay not to have a life because I don't have a life, because I was tested for Huntington’s, and my life span's been cut in half." Been waiting two months for her to say that. Thirteen: Hallucinations, anemia, bradycardia — House: Hyper segmented polys says that Taub's right. Pump her full of B12. See how a strong career woman's been made sick by her strong career. [Thirteen leaves as Taub, Foreman and Kutner start standing up.] [Cut to hallway. The men catch up with Thirteen at the elevator.] Kutner: Are you okay? Foreman: Could be years before you see any symptoms. Taub: Why wouldn't you tell us? Thirteen: I don't have Huntington’s. Kutner: Are you lying to us… because it's none of our business? Thirteen: If it's none of your business, then I shouldn't have to answer these questions. And I wouldn't have to, except House doesn't want to answer questions about Wilson. He's deflecting his own problems onto me. Kutner: Are you deflecting now? Thirteen: Time for the B12 cocktail and my life lesson. [She steps into the elevator and pushes a button. The doors close, leaving the men behind.] [Cut to Lou’s room. She’s on the phone.] Lou: No, Patty’ll do the hearing. She just needs to be the leadoff witness so — Okay, I'll lock it down today. Thirteen: [enters] I need you back in bed. Lou: My boss has a big Beijing trip. I've been planning it for months. I was just tired and dehydrated and — Thirteen: Yeah, whenever I lose some shut-eye, I pound my legs, clawing at imaginary ant colonies. You have a severe B12 deficiency. Get back in bed. [Lou gets in bed. Thirteen gives her an injection.] I'm sure your boss can do without you for a few days. Lou: It's not about her. It's about me. I want to be there. I want to matter. Thirteen: Yeah, I mean, without you, who knows how much starch they'd put in her shirts? [Lou looks annoyed as Thirteen picks up and drops a laundry ticket from Lou’s bed table.] I'm sorry, I'm sure your boss depends on you for — Lou: I need to get up. Thirteen: No, you need to stay in bed. Lou: Please, where's a bed pan? Oh, my God, I'm sorry. I just… I just had a bowel movement. Thirteen: It's okay, B12 deficiency can cause sudden — [She lifts the sheet. There’s blood everywhere.] That's not a bowel movement. [Cut to Wilson’s office. House enters without knocking.] House: My patient is still fighting in the feminist trenches, but the wr is over. Yesterday's sluts are today's empowered women. Today's sluts are celebrities. If that isn't progress — Wilson: I'm leaving. House: What, are you gonna take another two months? Boy, you're really milking this bereavement thing, aren't you? [pause] I mean, good for you. You take all the time you need. Wilson: I'm resigning. Maybe moving out of New Jersey. I don't know yet. House: Okay. That's an understandable reaction. Wilson: It's not a reaction. It's a decision. I'm writing Cuddy my resignation right now. I'm just back for the week to wrap up my clinical and administrative duties. House: You of all people should know, this is bereavement 101. You think that a change of venue — Wilson: Well, that spares me decades of psychoanalysis. House: I'm not saying you're not in pain. Wilson: You're saying my pain's a cliché. House: I'm saying that pain fades. Wilson: Did yours? House: Physical pain is different. Wilson: I'd rather have my leg chopped off. House: Well, you don't know that 'cause you haven't felt — Wilson: Neither have you. Thirteen: [enters] Sorry, patient's got a rectal bleed. House: Busy. Thirteen: We need you to — House: Actually, as you can see, I’m not busy. It's just a euphemism for "get the hell out of here." [She leaves. House turns back to Wilson.] This is your grief talking. And, yeah, it is a bit textbook. So before you give away all your possessions to the Salvation Army — Wilson: My girlfriend's dad. I'm glad you've read that book before. I haven’t. I'm late to meet Dr. Olin to brief him on the cases I’m handing over. Bye. [He leaves, closing the door behind him. House is alone in his office.] [Cut to Lou’s room. She’s sedated and on her side. Taub is doing a colonoscopy.] Thirteen: It doesn't bother you that House wouldn't take just two seconds to talk about the patient? Taub: Wilson's dealing with a lot. Thirteen: And our patient may be dying. Taub: She was bleeding out her rear. We're looking up her rear. You think we needed House's expertise to set us on this course? Thirteen: Her heart rate's slow—bleed should have made it faster. Taub: And it can wait till after we know where it came from, and after he's done dealing with personal issues. Thirteen: Yeah? That the way it works around here? We get cut slack while we deal with personal issues? Taub: [gives her a long look] You're not the boss. Boss gets to make the rules. Boss gets to ignore… She's bleeding from... nowhere. [Cut to nurses’ station. Taub and Thirteen are reporting to Foreman.] Foreman: You did an endoscopy? Taub: And a colonoscopy. Foreman: CT scan? Thirteen: Ordered, but it shouldn't show anything the endoscopy didn’t. Kutner: [approaches] We can't do a CT scan. Foreman: Why not? Kutner: We don't need a CT scan. We don't need House. Taub: Stop grinning and talk. Kutner: One of the routine pre-procedure tests was positive. Taub: Which one? Kutner: The one that, if it's positive, would explain a hormone imbalance that could screw with heart rate and blood flow. [The others make “ohhh” expressions as the get it.] Thirteen: Guess she does have a life beyond her career. [Cut to Lou’s room. Kutner and Thirteen are with her. Kutner is setting up an ultrasound.] Lou: I'm pregnant? Kutner: You want me to call the father and let him know? Lou: Soon as you do some DNA testing. Let me know. Thirteen: Must be hard to have a real relationship when you — Lou: Are you making excuses for me? Thirteen: I'm just saying it's understandable. Lou: You only have to understand something if it needs an explanation. I have needs. I met my needs. End of explanation. Kutner: How recently were you... needy? Lou: Oh, it's been two or three months, at least. [She looks at him.] What? What is it? Kutner: Nothing. Lou: Tell me. Kutner: It's actually nothing. [He swings the monitor around so Thirteen can study it.] Thirteen: The ultrasound shows no trace of a baby at all. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. Everyone is standing. House stands in his office, not even looking at them.] Thirteen: Positive pregnancy test, no pregnancy. Taub: B12 deficit rectified, but her heart's slowing even more. Kutner: And a bleed should speed her heart rate. Foreman: House, this is the kind of case you love. [House looks over.] Contradictions piling up left and right. House: [sighs] Two false positive pregnancy tests, bradycardia, lower GI bleed. Go. Thirteen: Choriocarcinoma — would’ve triggered pregnancy hormones. House: Also would have shown on a sonogram. Kutner: Immunoglobulin "A" deficiency. House: No urinary bleed. [He looks through the closed blinds on his window and starts walking out of the office.] Kutner: If she's had beta HCG injections, they can cross-react with... House: Keep going. [Cut to Wilson’s office. Wilson is packing up his stuff. House flings open the door.] House: You're being an idiot. You're gonna blow up your career. And six months from now, when you've moved on from Amber to burnt sienna, you're gonna be stuck in a mobile oncology truck in Pewaukee, Wisconsin. Wilson: I'd need a flow chart to explain all the ways in which that was ridiculously insensitive. House: You can't hide from misery. Wilson: This isn't your business. House: My skull was cracked open trying to save her! Wilson: Then we all need a little tea and sympathy. I'm through discussing it. Thirteen: [in doorway with the other fellows] Uh, we have a patient. House: Who's obviously not going anywhere with a bloody rectum. Foreman: Great to have you back. Wilson: Actually, I'm — House: Actually, he’s about to thrust a tantō into the belly of his career. Wilson: I'm leaving the hospital. Thirteen: I'm sorry, this is obviously a terrible time — Taub: Why are you leaving? Wilson: I just need a change of scenery. House: Buy a plant. Thirteen: Rectal bleeding, two positive pregnancy tests. Foreman: There's nothing we can do? Wilson: You could ask House to be a grown-up and respect my decision. House: I respect things that deserve respect. This decision, on the other hand, is a dog wearing a cape! Thirteen: Hallucinations. Heart won't respond — House: The patient tested positive for pregnancy because the patient is pregnant. [He leaves, his staff follows.] [Cut to Lou’s room. House slams his cane on her bed tray, waking her up. He grabs the ultrasound gel and opens her gown to squirt some on her belly. She tries to push him away.] Lou: Hey, who are you? Thirteen: [entering] This is Dr. House. He's too brilliant for introductions. [to House] False positive. House: You're too busy to be running a Day Care Center in your abdomen. Thirteen: False positive. House: Not to mention you should wait till at least 30 to punish that pleasure portal with a seven-pound tissue expander. Lou: I'm 37. And I thought I wasn't pregnant. House: [looks at her] 37? Impressive. Too bad you’re not passing on those genes. [to Thirteen] Does that look false to you? You were looking in the wrong room. It's more common when the egg lands in the oven. Sometimes it winds up in the fallopian tubes. In rare cases, it plummets through the plumbing entirely. It's using her intestine as a blood supply. It caused the rectal bleed, and now... Junior Miss Steinem’s junior must be pressing on her vagus nerve, slowing her heart to a crawl. Yank the fetus. She survives the surgery, she'll be fine. [He hands a box of tissues to Thirteen who offers them to Lou. He leaves. Thirteen hurries after him.] [Cut to hallway by nurses’ station.] Thirteen: What if she wants to keep the baby? House: She doesn’t. Thirteen: What, we can't take two seconds to discuss this? I mean, fetuses have been transplanted before. Whole uteruses too. House: Just terminating the fetus when it's glued to her intestines is high-risk surgery. Saving it is a fantasy. That was at least three seconds. [He walks away, she follows.] Thirteen: She's a 37-year-old woman who deserves — House: People get what they get. It has nothing to do with what they deserve. And this has nothing to do with her genitalia, and everything to do with your genetics. Thirteen: You told me to get tested. House: I didn't know it was gonna color your every medical opinion, every personal opinion. Thirteen: You didn't think a death sentence would — House: [He turns to her, angry.] People die! You, Amber, everyone. Don't act like you just figured that out. I gave you a diagnosis. You don't like it, there are exits on every floor. [Cut to Lou’s room. She looks up as Thirteen enters.] Thirteen: I'm sorry to be so definitive about this. I know you're still absorbing the news, but we have no choice. Lou: Remove the fetus. Absolutely. I have no boyfriend, no husband. I'm on the road with Patty all the time. Where do I sign? [Thirteen nods and gives her the clipboard. She signs] [Cut to the ER. Cameron is examining a patient’s leg.] Cameron: You feel any tenderness back here? Patient: No, not at all. House: [approaches] Treating professional sports injuries now? Patient: No, I'm not — House: Familiar with the concept of sarcasm. Don't sweat it, it's new. [to Cameron] Have you spoken to Wilson? Cameron: We'll get you an EKG. I'll be right back. [to House] You want me to sleep with him to get him to stay? House: I put the bisexual chick on that. If you'd like to sit in, so to speak... Cameron: I spoke to him. House: What'd you tell him? Cameron: I didn't tell him anything. I listened. House: So you could feel good about doing nothing. You gotta tell him — Cameron: [She rummages through a drawer then heads back to the patient.] I am not your errand girl. Best thing about leaving you — Patient: The two of you used to be together? House: She dumped me when I lost the last 85 pounds. Said there was less of me to love. [Cameron grabs him by the arm and drags him away from the patient.] Cameron: Grief means different things to different people. Case in point, means very little to you. House: Grief is Newark. Okay, it's there. You can't avoid it. The idea is to hold your nose, hope the traffic’s not too bad, and get on to Manhattan as quickly as possible, not to buy property. Cameron: You think that's facing up to things? House: I'm not the one who's quitting. Cameron: 'Cause you haven’t lost anything. House: But you have. He’ll listen to you. What did you do when your husband died? Cameron: I got a new job and I moved. House: See how crappy that worked out? [Cut to OR. Chase is operating on Lou.] Chase: Separating the placenta from the wall of the large intestine. Sponge. Suction. We've got some bleeding. Taub: BP's dropping. 90 systolic. Chase: She's bleeding like hell. Clamp. Taub: BP's still dropping. Chase: Amp of calcium chloride, fast! Taub: Still dropping. Chase: Shut up! Squeeze her spleen. We need to force some platelets out so her blood clots. Thirteen: She's in weak shape. Spleen's friable. It could rupture. [Everyone works silently for a few moments.] Female Doctor: She's sab. Oozing's drying up. Chase: I hate visitor’s day. Removing the fetus. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s just finishing a phone call as House enters.] Cuddy: Bye. House: You have to stop Wilson from committing career malpractice. Cuddy: Talk to him. House: I already talked to him twice. He threw me out. Cuddy: Mocking him and insulting him, let's see… Yes, technically those are categories of conversation. House: Block his references to other hospitals. Tell him he can’t hand off his cases until — Cuddy: Talk to him. Deal with his grief. Talk to him about what he's going through. House: That's a brilliant idea. I'll take him out for a beer. That'll make up for the fact that Amber's in a pine box. That there's randomness and chaos in the universe. Cuddy: Tell him you're sorry. House: I didn't kll her. Cuddy: You were drunk and — House: Yeah, if her daddy hadn’t been drunk, she might never have been born. So — Cuddy: You called her up in the middle of the night. She was on the bus because of you. House: I didn't ask her to come out. I wasn't driving the bus. I wasn't driving the garbage truck that ht the bus. And I did not prescribe her the flu meds that klled her. Cuddy: Yes, I know, that's all true. But... You really don't feel any sense of guilt? You want to keep him, he needs to know he's not alone. Just tell him you feel like crap. House: It'd be meaningless. Cuddy: Well, then, find some meaning. And do something. [He leaves] [Cut to ICU. Thirteen and Taub are with Lou. Foreman enters.] Thirteen: She's got a neurological problem. Foreman: Surgical complication? Taub: Don't think so. She keeps on blinking. Thirteen: Her heart's not recovering either. Foreman: So the pregnancy was a coincidence. Thirteen: Pulse is down to 39. She's maxed out on atropine. We're installing a pacing wire to... [Lou passes out] …avoid that. We need some help in here! Foreman: Page House. Taub: Already paged him. Foreman: Page him again. [Cut to Wilson’s office. House puts his phone on the desk. It moves around as it vibrates.] Wilson: It's for you. House: If I told you that I was sorry, would it change anything? Wilson: I wouldn't believe you. House: If you believed me. Wilson: It's hard to imagine such a world. House: I'm going home... [He slides the phone closer to Wilson] …until you agree to stay at this hospital. Wilson: You can't be s… That's blackmail. And to do your job? Why not hold a gn to your own head? House: Your conscience bleeds more freely than my head. [The phone buzzes again. House picks it up.] Text. Patient's in cardiac arrest. Ouchy. [He puts it back on Wilson’s desk.] Wilson: You'd jeopardize a patient because of my — House: If it keeps you here. Your friendship matters more to me than this patient. Wilson: I've gotta do what's right for me. You've gotta do what's right for you. House: Yeah. But it comes easier for me. [House leaves as the phone continues to buzz.] [Cut to ICU. Thirteen, Taub and Forman are working on Lou.] Taub: Where is he? Where is he? [Cut to sht of House leaving the hospital.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House’s staff sits at the table. Cuddy stands next to it.] Cuddy: Status. Foreman: Her heart's sab. We have a pacing wire in her, but the bradycardia is not getting any better. Kutner: House is bluffing. Taub: I called him three times. He's not picking up. [to Cuddy] What do you want us to do? Cuddy: The same thing you'd do if he was here. Taub: If he was here, we'd be asking him what to do. Cuddy: What are the usual suspects? Foreman: There aren't any. She had a vitamin deficiency, and we corrected it, an ectopic pregnancy, we removed it. Kutner: But her heart problem won’t go away, and now something's wrong with her brain. Cuddy: I have complete confidence in you guys. [She leaves.] Taub: Who wants to go service House so this patient can live? Thirteen: We can do this without him. Maybe something happened during the surgery. Taub: The surgery was on her bowel, not her brain. Kutner: Anxiety, stroke, Tourette's could all cause eye blinking. Taub: And cause her heart to bat faster. It's slowing down. Thirteen: MS. If a lesion took out the sympathetic innervation of her heart, it'd explain the bradycardia and the blinking. Taub: But not the vitamin deficiency or the ectopic pregnancy. House would want a unifying theory. Thirteen: House is gone, and so are those symptoms. MS explains everything that’s wrong with her right now. Foreman: Start her on interferon for MS. [A knock on a door is heard. Cut to Cuddy in House’s hallway.] Cuddy: Mind if I come in? House: Not at all. You mind if I leave? Cuddy: I told you not to take that case specifically so you could deal with Wilson. House: And the two ended up dovetailing rather nicely, don't you think? Cuddy: Is this how you show your friendship? By bludgeoning him with guilt? House: Because he's my friend, I know what works on him. Cuddy: Well, I can't let you walk away from a patient. House: Then fre me. Cuddy: You're willing to risk your career, but you're not willing to say you're sorry. House: I told him I'm sorry. He didn't believe it. Cuddy: Well, make him believe it. House: I don't believe it. Cuddy: You don't want to believe it [angrily] Because if you tell Wilson how you actually feel about him, about what happened to Amber, about your part in what happened, and he walks out the door anyway… If you make yourself vulnerable for once in your nerve-deadening, emotionally obliterating... [House swings the door shut in her face and walks toward his piano where he picks up his drink. Cuddy continues her tirade through the closed door.] You're doing the same thing he is. You're running away. Only he's not klling anyone in the process. [Cut to the ICU. Lou is awake.] Lou: Where's Dr. House? Thirteen: He's not feeling well. Lou: Was MS his idea? Thirteen: We work as a team. You know how it is. Collaborative. Sometimes it's hard to tell where an idea comes from. Lou: But you're not… really a team. You work for him. Thirteen: And you work for Patty. I'm sure a lot of her ideas are actually — Lou: She would be fine without me. I'd be nothing without her. Thirteen: Maybe if you just had the chance. I'm… I'm sure you’ve learned a lot. Lou: Not everybody’s created equal. Does Dr. House think I have MS? Thirteen: Yes. [Lou shivers audibly.] Did you just shiver? [She feel’s Lou’s forehead.] You're running a slight fever. Lou: Is that bad? Thirteen: It means we were wrong about the MS. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. House walks in.] House: You had my cable disconnected! Cuddy: Well, that's quite a leap. Just because I happen to have a 31-person maintenance department, each of whom you’ve personally abused at some point — House: Why? Did you think I'm okay with letting someone die, but I'm gonna fold if I can't watch celebrity bowling? Cuddy: That is not an unreasonable theory. Especially with only ten minutes till your favorite soap. Oh, gee, is this the remote from the doctors' lounge? [House reaches for the remote she’s holding and she pulls it out of reach. Wilson enters.] Wilson: This is your 911? Good-bye. Cuddy: Stop! I'm withholding your salary history from every hospital in the tri-state area. House: You go, girl. Cuddy: And I'm permanently setting every TV in this building to the pottery channel unless you both sit down. [She sits in the chair next to the couch.] Welcome to couples counseling. [Cut to doctor’s lounge. The Diagnostics team is watching the film of Lou’s surgery.] Taub: It's not the surgery. Thirteen: The timing fits. Taub: The location doesn't, unless her brain’s in her bowels. Thirteen: If bacteria entered her bloodstream, it could have caused an infection in her brain. Taub: The surgery went fine. You were there, you saw. Thirteen: Peptostreptococcus could explain the blinking and — Taub: No. You want to watch a grainy video and have an epiphany. Foreman: Shut up. You're making me miss House's mocking. Taub: I know you told us it was none of our business, but if House thinks that your Huntington’s is affecting you, maybe it really — Thirteen: It's not, because I don't have — Taub: You're desperate to do this without him. You're not trying to cure her. You're trying to prove — Kutner: Stop the tape. Zoom in. On the anastomosis, that little bump. Taub: It's a hematoma. A harmless pocket of blood, which is why Chase ignored it during the surgery. Kutner: Could be a ganglioma, which is why Chase shouldn't have ignored it. Foreman: It's an abnormal growth of nerves, it could be causing all the patient's symptoms. We have to open her up again. Get a piece of it. [Kutner, Foreman and Thirteen leave. Taub stays.] [Cut to couples counseling in Cuddy’s office. Wilson and House are sitting rigidly side-by-side on the sofa.[ House: So what do you want to tell us? Cuddy: Nothing. Nothing I say is gonna change anything. You guys need to talk. House: Actually, you should read the psych literature. Repression's gaining a lot of fans. What you don't face can't crush you. Cuddy: Talk to each other. House: [to Wilson, pleasantly] How you doing? Good? Wilson: [equally pleasantly] Fine, thanks. [They both stand to leave.] Cuddy: Eh, eh, eh, eh. Sit! [They do.] See, the two of you are friends. Look how you both — House: Think you're an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn't really prove — Cuddy: Talk to him! Tell him how you feel about what he's doing. House: I told him he's an idiot. Cuddy: Tell him what you think about him leaving. House: I think he's an idiot. Cuddy: You're an idiot. He's in pain. And your response is just to emotionally blackmail him. House: You told me what your position is on that one. You're against it, right? Wilson: She hasn't told you in front of me. She needs to prove she's on my side. Cuddy: Go to hell. House: So much for that theory. Cuddy: I'm sorry you lost Amber. I cannot imagine what it is you're going through. [Wilson’s face tightens. He stands and walks to the door.] But it will not get better by you walking away from everyone that cares about you. Do you think Amber would want you to walk away? Wilson: Nobody at this hospital even liked Amber. [He leaves, slamming the door behind him.] House: [stands] Same time next week? [Cut to OR scrub area.] Chase: You want me to do a second major surgery on a patient we almost lost during a first major surgery to see if she needs a third major surgery? Foreman: We need a piece of the ganglioma. Chase: Then you're talking about another patient. Yours doesn't have a ganglioma. Foreman: And if there is one and you missed it? Chase: Then you're talking about another surgeon. I didn't miss anything. Foreman: But we're not talking about another videotape. This one showed a bump we need to biopsy. Chase: A bump? Oh, yeah. My grandfather died of a bump. She can't survive a second round of general anesthesia, let alone a third. Thirteen: You'd do this for House. Chase: Yeah. Thirteen: Then what do you suggest? Because the patient's got a high fever, a low heart rate, and a dim chance of survival if we stand here like idiots. Chase: Then I suggest you don’t stand there like idiots. [He goes back to the OR. Thirteen and Foreman start to leave.] Kutner: How do you get coal out of a mountain when it's someone else’s mountain? If we don't have House, it doesn't mean we can't think like House. Thirteen: But it does mean we don't have to talk like him. Kutner: You don't dig down. You go in from the side. We insert a lighted scope through the rectum, move the intestine till we find the ganglioma, then push it to the surface. Where we see the light, we cut. [Cut to Lou’s room.] Thirteen: We'll make as small an incision as we can. But unfortunately, it'll be very painful. After your surgery experience, we can't give you anesthesia. Lou: Can I talk to Dr. House? Thirteen: No. We can do this. We know what we're doing. Lou: I don't mean to be insulting, but my former boss didn't insist on me coming here because of you or — Thirteen: Your former boss? Lou: I've been replaced. Thirteen: I'm sorry. You must be — Lou: I'm fine. She has a big Beijing trip. Ton of work to do. She can't just wait for me to get better. Thirteen: We've been well-trained. We'll take good care of you. [She starts to leave then turns back.] How can you let her treat you like a footstool? Lou: The world needs flunkies. Thirteen: Don't say that. You're better than that. Lou: I have no problem with it. Why do you? Thirteen: [angrily] Because... life is short. I mean, yours could've ended in that surgery. You'd have never lived for yourself. What kind of feminist…? We can have anything. Lou: No, we can’t. We can aspire to anything. But we don't get it just because we want it. I would rather spend my life close to the birds than waste it wishing I had wings. [Thirteen looks at her then leaves.] [Cut to treatment room. Foreman, Taub and Thirteen are performing the procedure.] Foreman: You're through the sigmoid, into the descending colon. Kutner: Switching on the light. Thirteen: Advance toward the anastomosis. [Lou is awake, holding very still but barely holding back the tears.] Thirteen (continues): That's it. Push the wall of the intestine toward the skin. [Foreman looks at Lou’s exposed abdomen. The light appears.] Foreman: There, I see it. Thirteen: [to Lou] Don't look down. Foreman: Scalpel. [Thirteen passes him the scalpel and he prepares to make the incision.] [Cut to Nurses’ Station. Wilson is going through some files. Cameron approaches.] Cameron: So your last day is Friday. Wilson: I'm gonna miss you. Cameron: You shouldn't go. Wilson: Did House ask you to talk to me, or are you trying to save the patient? Because there'll always be another — Cameron: House asked me. Wilson: And you're doing it. Cameron: I told him to go to hell. Wilson: Thanks. [He starts to leave.] Cameron: But I think he's right. [He turns back.] You think you're making a rational choice. You think the worst is over. And then... Six months later you look back and you realize you didn't know what you were doing. Wilson: Are you saying the pain doesn’t go away? Cameron: It gets easier. Not in two months. Not in two years. But no, it never really goes away. Wilson: Being here… this building… I was just in the lounge. I kept staring at Amber's locker. Cameron: I saw a guy wearing a scarf this morning. The color reminded me of his eyes. We lived 500 miles from here. Wilson: I have to do something. Cameron: Then do it. But don't think it’s the right choice, because... There isn't one. [Cut to a lab. The Diagnostics staff is there.] Taub: It's not a ganglioma. The problem wasn’t the surgery. Thirteen: Abnormally deposited proteins. It's amyloidosis. That would explain the blinking and the low heart rate. Taub: Only way to treat amyloidosis is to treat whatever’s causing it. Foreman: It's not as if a lot of things cause amyloid. Rheumatoid arthritis. Kutner: Familial Mediterranean fever. Thirteen: Lymphoma. Kutner: Well, we can't all be right. Taub: But you can all be wrong. The patient's joints don't hurt, abdominal pain went away when the fetus did, and no palpable lymph nodes. Foreman: Got anything constructive to say? [He’s probably upset that Taub has taken over his usual role in DDXs of criticizing everyone else’s ideas.] Taub: Sorry. Sorry. [faux cheerful] Um, she has lots and lots of palpable lymph nodes, joint and abdominal pain. She'll be better by dinnertime. [serious again] If we don't find the cause of the amyloidosis, we never get her off that wire, she never walks out of this hospital. [sighs] But hey, who needs House, hmm? So glad we lost those training wheels. [Cut to Wilson’s office. Foreman is there. Wilson is looking at Lou’s information on a laptop.] Wilson: You want me to make the call? Foreman: There seems to be some disagreement. Wilson: And this isn't just a pretext to pressure me into staying? Foreman: Does it look like a pretext? Wilson: No. She really is dying, isn't she? Inflammation, enlarged nuclei, some mitotic activity. It could be lymphoma. Foreman: There are no palpable lymph nodes. Wilson: It makes it less likely, but it doesn't rule it out. I'm an oncologist. I see cancer. Show it to an immunologist, they'll see autoimmune. Foreman: I already showed it to an immunologist. We'll start her on chemo. [pause] You should leave. House doesn't want to lose his sidekick. Cuddy doesn't want to lose her check on House. No one's talking about what you want. Wilson: It's not that I want to. Foreman: Want to, need to. If there's any chance that being away from here will make your life even a little bit easier, do it. That's what everyone else here would do. [He leaves.] [Cut to Lou’s room. She’s listening to music with headphones. Thirteen answers.] Thirteen: Don't expect anything to change too fast. Lou: Lymphoma was your idea? Thirteen: Why? Lou: I feel better. Thirteen: Sometimes just knowing you’re being treated helps. Lou: You've given me18 different treatments. This is the first one that made me feel better. I don't think it’s psychological. Thank you. Thirteen: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten angry at you. Your choices are your choices. Lou: You're not like me. Maybe you have wings. Thirteen: I have Huntington’s Chorea. Dozen years or so, my nervous system, my cognitive skills, even my emotional balance... they'll all start to fray. I won't be able to fly. I won't be able to walk. I won't be able to breathe. Lou: And you want to make sure your life matters. Thirteen: [nods] I don't want to just... be tightening bolts and following instructions. I want something... to be different because of me. Lou: I am. Not just 'cause you saved my life. I'm applying for a job at a foundation, running the finance division. And I don't know if I'm gonna get it, but if I don’t... There are other foundations. [Cut to Nurses’ Station in the lobby by the fountain. Cuddy is going through some papers behind the desk.] House: It's almost 4:00. Soap time. [He reaches over the desk and grabs something.] Nurses' remote. Works in the doctors' lounge. Cuddy: Why do you think Wilson’s leaving? House: How many times do I have to use the word "idiot"? Cuddy: And that's a good enough answer for you? Whenever anyone does anything out of the norm, you have to tell them what screwed-up process is really at work in their head. That is why I locked the two of you in a room. So you would say something stupid and insensitive, and maybe with a little bit of truth. But you didn’t. So I can only assume that you don’t want to know the reason. You're afraid to know. [pause] You're not listening to me, are you? House: Try it sometime. You'll see why. [Cut to Lou’s room. House enters.] House: You look 37. Lou: I am 37. House: You looked 27 last week. Unless I blacked out for ten years. Your skin — Taub: She's got lymphoma. The chemo's probably — House: Stop the chemo. Thirteen: She's getting better. Bradycardia's improving. We didn't need — House: She have bruising? [He takes a syringe from a drawer.] Thirteen: She was pounding her legs during the hallucinations. House: It's not lymphoma. Lou: Hey, don't — no, no, no. [House uncaps the syringe and sab a purple bruise on Lou’s leg.] House: My bad. Thought no meant yes. Those aren't bruises. They're mycobacterial lesions. She has diffuse lepromatous leprosy. Must have caught it on one of her overseas estrogen tours. Chemo wipes out some of the bacteria, she feels a little better. Wipes out most of her immune system, she gets a whole lot worse. Lou: Leprosy? Like where my limbs fall off? House: Actually, this is the flattering one. It's also known as "pretty leprosy." It doesn't disfigure, it makes your skin look younger, smoother. Don't let the girls hear. They'll all want to lick your face. Unless you're that kind of feminist. [to Taub and Thirteen] Blast her with antibiotics and prednisone. She'll be fine. [He looks at his watch.] Damn, it's after 4:00. I'm late. [He leaves.] Thirteen: Damn. Lou: What? Taub: She's happy you’re gonna be fine. But she'd be happier if you were gonna be fine five minutes ago. [Cut to Lou’s room at night. Thirteen enters.] Thirteen: Tests confirmed Dr. House's diagnosis. Lou: Thank God. Thirteen: When you got pregnant, the physical stress triggered nodosum leprosum. A common complication of leprosy. Inflamed the nerves to your heart. Made it hard to absorb vitamins, scarred your fallopian tubes. It explains everything. Lou: Better prescribe me some skin cream too, huh? Thirteen: You might want it for those job interviews. Lou: I'm going back on the road with Patty. My replacement flamed out. She says I can manage some projects on my own, carve out more of a role. Thirteen: Do you really think she can change? Lou: I don't know. The truth is, I’m not sure I — Thirteen: You can change. Lou: No. I'm not sure I want her to change. She's reasonable. She's just another employer, then I'm just... another employee. In a weird way, I matter. [Cut to an almost dark Diagnostics Conference Room. Thirteen is at the table.] House: I like you better now that you're dying. Thirteen: I was wrong. House: You took a sht. Thirteen: She's going back to work for that idiot. It's pathetic. House: You thought something would change? Thirteen: She almost died because of that job. Yeah, I… I thought — House: Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything. [Cut to Wilson’s office. House enters quietly. Everything has been packed up. There’s a duffle and one box left on the desk.] House: I'm sorry. I know I didn't try to kll her. I know I didn't want her hurt. I know it was a freak accident. But I feel like crap, and she's dad because of me. Wilson: I don't blame you. I wanted to. I tried to. I must have reviewed Amber's case file 100 times to find a way. But it wasn't your fault. House: Then we're okay? I mean, I know you're not, but... Maybe I can help. Wilson: We're not okay. Amber was never the reason I was leaving. I didn't want to tell you because… because I was trying, like I always do, to protect you. Which is the problem. You spread misery because you can't feel anything else. You manipulate people because you can't handle any kind of real relationship. And I've enabled it. For years. The games, the binges, the middle-of-the-night phone calls. [He stops and rubs his eyes.] I should have been the one on the bus, not —You should have been alone on the bus. If I've learned anything from Amber, it's that I have to take care of myself. We're not friends anymore, House. I'm not sure we ever were. [Each time the camera showed House during this speech, his head had dropped a fraction of an inch lower. Other than that, not a muscle moved and his expression didn’t change at all.] [As he finishes, Wilson picks up the box and opens the door. House turns his head slightly toward the door. Then he turns it fully away from the door. He looks stunned. The camera angle changes to show his hand on his cane. Behind him, Wilson walks away down the empty hallway.] [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x01 - Dying Changes Everything"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on two women playing tennis. During a long, hard volley, the brunette drops her racquet and falls to the court, holding her chest. By the time the blonde reaches the net, the brunette is dad.] [Cut to a construction site. A crane operator is moving a huge container truck. A man on the ground giving him instructions via radio.] Man: Bring it up about six more feet. Okay, you can go ahead and start dropping it. [The crane operator’s hand on the controls opens. The crane starts dropping very fast.] Man: Whoa. Whoa! [He and another worker barely get out of the way before the container drops. They go to the crane and open the cab door. The crane operator falls out, dad.] [Cut to a kick-boxing match. The crowd is shouting. The fighter with the shaved head and goatee is clearly winning until, mid-punch, he falls over backward. Blood is coming from his ear. By the time the referee reaches him he is apparently dad.] [Cut to a music classroom. Tibalt is playing the tuba while a younger man watches, his tuba in his lap. Tibalt coughs convulsively, spraying blood over the sheet music, before he collapses and dies.] [Cut to a college lecture hall. Apple is writing a formula on the blackboard. Thirteen enters, accompanied by an EMT.] Thirteen: Class is over. Apple: What's going on? Who are you? Thirteen: I'm a doctor. Did you have a corneal transplant five years ago? Apple: Yes. Thirteen: Every other patient who had a transplanted organ from that donor is either dad or dying. You got a purse? Apple: [gets her purse] I feel fine. Thirteen: I don't mean to scare you, but so did the others. [Opening Credits] [Cut to patient room. Apple paces. Frank is in a bed with an oxygen mask. His wife sits next to him, holding him.] [Cut to morgue. The Diagnostics team is scattered around the room, which is dominated by four bodies on stretchers. House sits at a table.] Foreman: One living, one almost dad. Four fully dad. Nothing in common except their donor. Carl got a new heart and lung — liver kills him. Tibalt got a new liver, lung klled him. Holly got a new kidney, her heart blows up. And Frank, the old guy gasping for breath upstairs, he got an intestinal graft, his pancreas is failing. All within eight months of each other. And in each case, serious complications came on suddenly and without warning. Kutner: Which means arrhythmia, massive pulmonary embolus, or cerebral bleed. House: What did Wilson do for me? Taub: [ignoring him] If the donor had an infection that somehow slipped by a screening, it could lay dormant — Kutner: Five organ systems ht. Would need five infections for it to somehow slip by screening. House: Oh, sure, he made me laugh on a rainy day, made me see the colors I never knew — Thirteen: None of the donated organs were ht. It means whatever they got came from the donor's blood. Kutner: That wouldn't help us narrow down what — Thirteen: It narrows down who. Corneal transplants are bloodless. It means Apple's gonna be fine. Foreman: You secure enough in that theory to send her home? Thirteen: I guess we could wait till we figure out what's wrong with Frank. House: On the other hand, Gilbert Gottfried makes me laugh. And how many colors are there really? Once you got red, blue, and green — Kutner: He paid for your lunch, liked Monster Trucks, and was your conscience. Autoimmune disease. Taub: ANA at autopsy of all four victims were normal. Foreman: Wouldn't cover vasculitis. Henoch-Schonlein purpura — Taub: Antiphospholipid antibodies, normal. Thirteen: Then that leaves cancer. Foreman: Cancers have names. They have a progression. They affect specific organs. Bone cancer can't turn into liver cancer. Forget cancer. House: [getting up to leave] It's cancer. [Cut to the hallway. The team follows House, Foreman arguing the whole way.] Foreman: It's not cancer. House: You're right, of course. What was I thinking? Foreman: No single type of cancer blew up three organs in the chest while also herniating in the fighter's brain stem. House: The fighter's irrelevant. Taub: You don't like coincidences. House: It would be a coincidence if six transplant recipients had nothing else wrong with them — like being an idiot, which leads to getting your head knocked off. The others had cancer. Foreman: Four autopsies and about 1,000 lab tests say it's not cancer. House: Redo the thousand tests and the four autopsies. Taub and Kutner, check out the donor. Find out which cancer — Kutner: He didn't die of cancer. His head got chopped off in an industrial accident. House: Find out which cancer would have klled him. Check the home and office for carcinogens, toxins — Taub: He's been dad for four years. I assume his home's been rented to someone else by now. House: Find out which cancer klled them. [Foreman stands with his arms folded while the others leave.] Did I forget you? You can check out the patient's eye. [Cut to the cafeteria. He looks around, quickly grabs a tray and a slice of cake in a container. He comes up behind a doctor by the cash register.] House: Put this on Dr. O'Shea. [He reaches over Dr. O’Shea.] And some chips. O’Shea: Forget your wallet, House? House: No. O’Shea: [handing money to cashier] I'll take care of it. House: [quietly, as he follows O’Shea toward the tables] Check. O’Shea: Are you following me? [He sits at a table.] House: Word is you're into monster trucks. O’Shea: My kids like it. House: But not you? O’Shea: Predator's okay, but I think the California crusher is overrated. [House sits] Are you checking me out? House: You're astute. [He takes some pills.] No. O’Shea: How many pills did you just take? House: Vicodin, opioids, some B12. Need a little kick in the afternoon. You got a problem with that? [O’Shea ignores him and picks up some food from his tray.] I think I'm falling in love. Foreman: [approaches] Her right eye's failing. House: No, it's not. Everyone else's transplanted organs were fine. It means her eye is fine. Foreman: We need to remove the eye. House: It's her only working eye. Foreman: We could remove the other one, but since it's not klling her, I thought this way was less insane. House: [to O’Shea] Do you have some ethical problem with what I'm doing that you could express in a unique way which might actually make me think that I'm wrong even though I'll never admit it? O’Shea: Yes. House: You are funny. [to Foreman] The problem's not in her eye. It's in her head. [to O’Shea] You wanna come over and watch Prescription Passion at my place tonight? O’Shea: You know I'm not gay, right? House: Neither am I. If you don't want to have sex, that's cool with me. O’Shea: I'm not coming over to your home. House: I'll grow on you. [He takes his chips and leaves.] [Cut to the patient room. Frank’s wife is feeding him. House is testing Apple’s vision while Foreman looks on, disapproving.] Apple: L... P... E... Do I have to be in the same room as him? House: Whatever he's got, you've got. Fifth line. Apple: Are you sure? House: Pretty sure. Fifth line. Apple: Am I gonna die? House: Can we talk about something besides you for a moment? Like maybe the fifth line? Apple: F... E... O... S... P. [The line is actually PECFD] House: Damn. Foreman: I'm sorry. We need to remove your eye. Apple: My eye? House: A moment ago, you thought you were dying. Blind's actually good news. Unfortunately, he's wrong. Foreman: You just did the test. House: She didn't squint. Which means the eye thinks it's fine. Foreman: It was wrong. House: I know. The eye doesn't think. The brain thinks, which means if the thinking's wrong, the brain's wrong. Which means it's spread to the brain, which means it's too late for us to remove the eye. Which means we're gonna have to remove your whole head. Don't worry. [He holds up a huge meat cleaver.] It doesn't hurt. [House swings the cleaver at Apple who holds her hands against her neck and screams loud and long.] House: Hallucination. That's a brain thing, right? [Cut to lounge. House, Foreman, Taub and Thirteen are there.] Foreman: 500 different things can cause hallucination. Doesn't mean it's neurological. House: It does if one of the other organ recipients also had a brain issue. Did he just drop his hands? [They’re watching film of the kick boxing fight.] Thirteen: No, none of them had brain issues. House: If his pupils dilated, if his pupils were fixed, if there was a twitch... Foreman: He got ht in the head, he died, no mystery. That was your point. House: Yesterday. You live, you learn. Who sht this? Taub: Guy who runs the gym has a camera. Uploads the nasty stuff online. House: Can't see the dad guy's face. I can't see his face. Can't see the twitch, can't see the pupils — Thirteen: We know the tennis player had a heart problem. We can maybe tie that to the tuba player's lungs, and then somehow tie both those things, to the construction worker's liver, and then possibly meander over to Frank's pancreatic failure, but nothing causes simultaneous brain and heart problems. Taub: Cancer made no sense. The head and heart make less than no sense. Lucas: [The coffee machine repairman joins in.] That makes no sense. Taub: I know. I was making a point. Lucas: Oh, good. I thought you were an idiot. Taub: Why are you talking? Lucas: Oh, the guy doing manual labor can't have an opinion? I might be a genius who just happens to have a passion for fixing coffee machines. No, I'm obviously not, but that's rude to make assumptions about people. Kutner: [entering] Donor's history came up clean. Lucas: Ha. Ha. Kutner: Did he just laugh? Lucas: No, no, I sneezed. Taub: He's a genius coffee repairman. Kutner: Coffee repairman wears argyle socks? [Taub looks] Lucas: I thought I already talked about not judging. House: What kind of idiot wears argyle socks with construction boots? Lucas: Uh, I'm not an idiot. I'm just… I'm not good at disguises. Foreman: Who is he? House: He's apparently a very bad private investigator. Taub: Uh, why is he pretending to fix the coffee machine? House: Because I wanted to find out what you guys found out before I find out what he found out. So I can find out if I need a private investigator. So, nu? Kutner: The donor has no history of unusual infections, no international travel in the 12 months — Lucas: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. No, seriously, that's how I sneeze. [They all look at him.] He was in Madrid and the Bahamas. Kutner: Credit card receipts showed no — Lucas: Girlfriend paid. Kutner: There is no girlfriend. Lucas: She was his high school sweetheart. Kutner: High school sweetheart is married to his best friend. Lucas: I know. Shhh. She had a kid four years ago. Timing fits. She's still pretty hot though. Foreman: You found out anything medical? Lucas: The kid has a tummy ache. Also, the dad guy was exposed to mercury, mold, and hydrous perchloric acid because their sex pad was next to a garage that was demolished after those toxins were found. Oh, yeah, that will be $2,300. [He pulls a sheet off a mini notepad and hands it to House.] House: I'll get you a check. Lucas: No, I don't take checks. House: You think I'm gonna stop payment? Lucas: Aren't you? House: Of course I am, $2,300 is insane. Lucas: No, actually, that price includes footage of the boxing match from four different angles. 30% of the crowd paid by credit card. I got their names. Four of them had digital cameras, which I composited like NASA did for the pics of Mars. You know, the rovers and all that. [They’re all staring at him. House folds his arms and smiles.] [Cut to the team walking down the hall.] House: Pupils were dilated. Foreman: But he didn't drop his hands, which means he maintained muscle tensity — House: Say it. Foreman: You were right. House: God, that was petty of me. Foreman: He maintained muscle tensity, but was momentarily distracted when he got ht. That's a temporal lobe seizure. Kutner: Does that PI guy mean we don't have to break into people's homes anymore? House: It's the whole reason you went to medical school. I'm not gonna take that away from you. Taub: He's better than we are. House: And costs more. Gonna biopsy the brain. Foreman: No. House: Say it. Foreman: You were right, but no. House: Temporal lobe controls speech, hearing, memory. She loses those things, she's gonna be a terrific date, but beyond that — Taub: We cut out a piece of it, good chance she's a vegetable. Nothing to hear, nothing to say, nothing to look back on. House: You're right. She has so much to live for. [They’re standing outside the patient room. They look at Apple.] Do we have another patient who's almost finished with all their living? [House moves a couple of steps down so they’re looking at Frank.] Thirteen: So it's okay to sab his brain because he's old? House: No, it's okay to sab his brain because he's dad if you don't. Get the widow to say yes. [Cut to Frank’s bedside.] Frank’s Wife: No. Taub: The lung inflammation is a complication of the pancreatic failure, which is reversible. This is actually his best chance. If we can find out what's wrong... Frank’s Wife: How can a test that will probably kll him — Taub: I didn't say — Frank’s Wife: You said it was extremely risky. What does extremely mean? Apple: [who has been listening] Please. Frank’s Wife: I'm sorry. I can't. Apple: I have a husband. I have a two-year-old daughter. Her name is Julia. You'd be saving her mother. Frank’s Wife: I think you're lying. You haven't had one visitor. Not one phone call since you've been here [to Taub] Does she have a child? Taub: No. But her life is still worth — Frank’s Wife: More than my husband's? Apple: I lied to save my life. Wouldn't you? Frank’s Wife: Not at another human being's expense. Apple: No, you'd just rob me of my only chance so your husband can struggle to breathe for a few more days. Frank’s Wife: Just shut up. [The beepers on Frank’s monitors start going off.] I don't want to hear from you. Taub: Ladies. Apple: You want to hate me so you won't feel guilty. Taub: Shut up! Frank’s Wife: Frank? Taub: Give me a scalpel. Frank’s Wife: Frank. [Frank’s wife gets shoved out of the way as Taub performs a tracheotomy. Blood bubbles out of the tube.] Taub: He's coding. [The nurse hands him the defibrillator paddles.] Clear. [zap] Clear. [zap] Clear. [zap] Frank’s Wife: Frank! Taub: Clear. [zap] Clear. [zap] Clear. [Cut to House’s office. Taub enters.] House: Did you get the consent? Taub: No. House: Tell Foreman to get it. Old people are scared of black people. Taub: It won't matter. Patient's dad. House: Save the brain. Don't need consent for an autopsy. [Cut to patient’s room. Apple sits, alone, in her bed.] [Cut to autopsy. The brain and other organs are in bowls of clear fluid. House enters.] House: Well, at best, we're gonna bat one for six on this one. Taub: Thin slices through the parietal and temporal lobes were clean. Occipital and frontotemporal regions were also — House: Brain's clean. Moving on. Thirteen: To where? We've gone from making no sense, to making less sense, and then taken a step backwards. Taub: Each of these people were klled by one thing that attcked one organ. But never the same organ. Kutner: Could the donor have had two things wrong? Taub: Or six things wrong? House: Metabolic diseases specialize. Everything else specializes, but cancer plays the field. Foreman: You're back to cancer? House: Metastasis is just a fancy word for screws around. Taub: Any type of cancer? House: I don't know. Foreman: There would be evidence of cancer. House: There is. We just haven't found it yet. Foreman: You need it to be cancer so you have an excuse to talk to Wilson. House: Give me something else that explains this constellation of patients, then you can call mean ass. Foreman: I didn't call you an ass. Kutner: Perforated intestine. If this thing started as normal bacteria living in the intestines but got into a blood vessel through a vascular anomaly in the bowel wall, then they would affect every organ through the blood stream. It screws up everything. For everyone. House: Okay. It's a long sht. It is possible that I'm an ass. Ironically, we need to do a colonoscopy to confirm. Taub: We checked Apple inside and out when she came in, she's clean. Kutner: The anomaly would have to be intermittent or they all would have died within a day. House: She starts getting abdominal pain, shove a tube up her rear before it can get away. And test anyone else with stomach pain. Thirteen: Everyone else is dad. House: Not everyone. The one thing the donor gave to each of these people is his DNA. Anyone else have his DNA? Taub: You want to do a colonoscopy on a healthy four-year-old? House: She has a tummy ache. If Kutner's right, it's not a tummy ache, it's a fatal brain or heart or lung or liver or pancreas ache. Thirteen: I'm not gonna scare the hell out of the poor kid's mom because of a long sht corollary to a long sht theory. House: Fine. Tell her the truth. Then ask if daddy knows who the real daddy is. [Cut to Kutner performing the colonoscopy. The little girl is silent but kicking her legs.]] Mom: Does she have to be awake? Thirteen: We need her to tell us when it hurts. She'll get over it. Your husband might not have... [Cut to an ice cream truck on a suburban street. House and Lucas are inside. They’re both eating ice cream cones.] House: What if a kid wants ice cream? Lucas: The sign outside says 'closed'. Dr. O'Shea's not right for you. House: What'd you find out? Lucas: Why are you investigating him? House: 'Cause I need to know if he lends money interest-free. What did you find out? [Banging on side of truck.] Child’s Voice: I want some ice cream. Lucas: [shouting back] Not until you learn to read. [to House] You're supposed to trust friends. House: I don't know the guy. I got no logical reason — Lucas: To be his friend? Have you never seen an after-school special? That is part of the pleasure of friendship: trusting without absolute evidence and then being rewarded for that trust. House: You're taking pictures of a guy who's having an affair with his own sister. And you're lecturing me about the rewards of trust. Lucas: There are two types of people that hire me. No, actually, there are three types of people that hire me, but the third type's irrelevant to the point I want to make. House: Do you have a special rate plan for being a pain in the ass? Lucas: One type wants to find out that they're right. One type wants to find out that they're wrong. House: Which type am I? Lucas: You're the third type. House: You lead with the irrelevant types? Lucas: You're the type that doesn't care if you're right or wrong because they've hired me to investigate the wrong person. House: That's an actual type? Lucas: You want me to check out Wilson. You want to find out if he's — House: How do you know about Wilson? Lucas: What do I do for a living? House: You checking me out? Have I've been paying for that? Lucas: So far, you haven't paid for anything. You want to find out he's pining. You want to find out if there's something about him that will tell you he's gonna come back or something you can use to make him come back. House: [House thinks, then looks away as he asks] Is there? Lucas: No, no, there's nothing. Sorry. [long pause] That will be $900. [House’s beeper goes off. He checks the message.] House: I gotta go. I'll get you a check. [As he opens the door, ice cream truck music begins to play.] [Cut to front of the hospital. Kutner is sitting on the back of a bench with his feet on the seat. He’s tossing a ball in the air. Foreman is standing next to the bench. House approaches.] Kutner: Colonoscopy was clean. House: Then that just leaves cancer. Foreman: The fact that the kid's colonoscopy was negative doesn't prove anything. House: Yes, the fact that it didn't prove anything didn't prove anything. Excellent point. Foreman: We don't know if the kid inherited anything. Even if she did, Kutner's theory is that the thing's intermittent. Kutner: The opening would have to be open shortly before death. House: Unfortunately, we can't know when shortly before death is until shortly after death. And that seems like an obstacle. Kutner: What if there was a way around that? House: Then we're kind of all sweating over nothing. Kutner: Not around death, around death as an obstacle. We need to see his colon at work. Forman: You do know what death means, right? Kutner: Without a living system, there's not enough pressure to get fluid all the way up. Life we can't create, yet, but pressure's easy. We use the same high-pressure water jet we use to test cardiac workload. I mean, he's not gonna be awake to tell us where it hurts — Foreman: It's not gonna — House: Do it. [Cut to morgue. Frank is on his side. He has autopsy scars on his skull and chest. Kutner is performing the colonoscopy.] Kutner: It's kinda stuck. Foreman: It's more than stuck. The bowel's been dad for six hours. No matter what you sh*t up there, it's closed. [Kutner plays with the machine, trying higher pressure.] This is nuts. Kutner: It's adjustable. [He reinserts the tube.] It's working. Foreman: Yeah. Wow. But not much. Increase the pressure. Kutner: The endoscope's bowing. Push on the stomach? [Foreman does and the chest wounds start to ooze. He removes his hand.] Kutner: Those are normal bodily fluids. Foreman: Yeah, normal bodily sewage. Kutner: Put the pressure back on. [Foreman does.] That's the end. No leaks. Foreman: [looking at screen] Wait. What's that? Kutner: That's just dark 'cause I'm at the end. Foreman: What if you're not at the end? What if it's a core lesion? Kutner: Maybe a little more pressure? [He starts fidgeting with the machine again.] Foreman: Not too much. If it's the end and we — [Frank explodes all over Foreman.] [Cut to Apple’s room. A nurse is listening to her heart with a stethoscope.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.] Thirteen: It's finally accelerating. Apple's heart rate has become irregular. Breathing is labored. Colonoscopy's still showing no leaks. Taub: What if it is autoimmune? House: What if we don't have conversations we've already had? Four out of the five didn't linger. They got sick and died. We don't have time to dismiss things we've already dismissed. Kutner: Nothing fits. House: See, that's an example of a conversation we've already had. She's sick. Something fits. Foreman: MS? House: [exasperated] No! Okay, from now on, no one says anything unless no one's said it before. [Long pause. Finally, House pushes down his shirt sleeves and stands up.] Foreman: Where are you going? House: You guys start immuno-gels on her CSF to look for hidden protein markers. Then start sequencing her genes. I'm gonna start treatment. [He gets his jacket from the coat rack and opens the door.] Foreman: Treatment for what? House: Cancer. Thirteen: It's not cancer. Chemo's toxic. House: It's something. Which means we should treat her for something. [Cut to Apple’s room. She’s asleep. Her breathing is labored. House buzzes for a nurse then drops the controller, noisily, on the bed rails. Apple jerks awake. A nurse runs in. Another nurse follows.] House: She's fine. Where's her chart? Nurse: You rang emergency to get her chart? House: I know. That was bad of me. But I'm pretty sure the chart's supposed to be attached to the bed so that gimp doctors don't have to look all over the place while patients die. [She picks up the chart from the table past the curtains and gives it to him.] Thank you so much. And some peppermint tea when you get a chance. [She gives him a “look” and leaves.] House (continues):[to Apple] I need you to sign something. Consent to chemotherapy. Apple: You found cancer? House: No. Apple: Then you have tests indicating — House: Nope. Apple: Then why should I sign it? House: That's a good question. It deserves a complicated answer. Placebo effect. People have confidence in doctors. They have confidence in diagnoses, confidence in medicine. Sometimes they get a little better just because they think they will. And that can make us think that the wrong answer is the right answer. Which is very bad. Apple: So you do have proof that it's cancer but you can't tell me because it might affect the way I react to the medicine? House: If that were true, and it would certainly make sense, do you think I could tell you that it's true? [enormous wink. She signs.] Apple: I was practically blind before the transplant — 20/200 vision. House: Didn't you cover all this personal stuff with Dr. Foreman? Apple: You don't care who I used to be? House: You're a post-corneal transplant math teacher. I deduced that you were a blind math teacher. Apple: I was an architect. House: [interested] You gave up architecture after you could see? Apple: The world was ugly. You think the world would be any different if your leg was fine? House: No. Apple: Think you'd be any different if your leg was fine? I mean, the doctors told me that my life was gonna be so much better once I could see. I would date, I would dance, but, uh, the guys I hated dancing with before I hate dancing with after. My parents were still dad. I was still alone. House: You're fun. Apple: You don't seem all that different. House: I haven't given up. [He leaves.] [Cut to House and Lucas walking on the sidewalk of a downtown street.] Lucas: Wilson's got a new job, hasn't started yet, but — House: So who are we following? Lucas: See that lady up there? House: You point at the target? Lucas: No, I'm following the one halfway in between that point and that point. House: [House focuses on the target with his cane.] Pretty. Who hired you? Lucas: No one. I just like her. House: You're stalking her? Lucas: No, no, I followed her out of that bookstore back there. House: You are stalking her, just not for very long. So what else can you tell me that I might care about? Lucas: He attends this grief counseling thing twice a week where they go around the room and cry about who's dad. Cameron's been to his house several times. They just talk about death and losing loved ones. [The “target” turns around and walks past them. They look nonchalant but, as soon as she passes, Lucas immediately turns, too.] House: What…? [He turns to join Lucas.] If she turns her head, she's gonna see that we're walking the wrong direction. Lucas: No, no, no, she won't. I'm very nondescript. House: Well, I'm not. Lucas: Well, then you stay four feet behind me. House: How do you know what they're talking about? Lucas: I'm in the same grief counseling group. I recently lost my mother. House: You'd get laid more often if you told them you lost a kid. Lucas: I didn't lose a kid. House: You're a PI who can't lie? Lucas: I can lie. I'm just not all that good at it. Well, Dr. Cuddy's been over to Wilson's twice and phoned a bunch of times. Foreman called him. And the rest of the time Wilson's been reading meditation books and magazines about restoring barns. Target: [turns and walks back to them] Are you following me? House and Lucas: No. Target: Are you lying? House: [simultaneously] No. Lucas: [simulataneously] Yes. House: Lesson one: Commit. Target: It's making me uncomfortable. Lucas: Sorry. [She starts walking away.] You're very pretty. Target: [over her shoulder as she continues walking] More uncomfortable. House: She's not your type. Your type is much stupider than her. What did Wilson say about me? Lucas: Oh, you've never come up. House: In the grief counseling or in the other — Lucas: Anywhere, I got three bugs in his home and one in his car. If I didn't know you, I wouldn't even know you existed. [House looks stunned.] Which is good news. Only two things you ignore — things that aren't important and things you wish weren't important. And wishing never works. [House’s cell phone rings. He looks at it and leaves.] [Cut to Apple’s room. Foreman is standing next to her as she pukes in a bowl. House enters.] Foreman: She's better. House: I could tell at once. Foreman: Vomiting's a side effect of the chemo. Her heart rate's sab, breathing's good. Amylase and triglycerides are both coming down. Apple: I guess it's working. Foreman: Can't believe it. It's cancer. House: It's not cancer. [Apple looks at him quizzically. House leaves.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room at night. The staff is at the table. House enters, carrying a paper bag.] House: Labs show that our patient is healthier. She's gonna get sicker. Then she's gonna die. I brought Thai food. Foreman: What did you see in her? House: Nothing. It's not cancer. All the tests say it's not cancer. They've always said it's not cancer. Foreman: Treatment proves it's cancer. House: Eh, treatment proves it could be cancer. It's not cancer. Taub: This was your diagnosis. House: I never thought it was cancer. Foreman: You treated for cancer. House: I thought that what she had acted like cancer. If it acts like cancer, maybe it'll respond like cancer. Thirteen: It did. 'Cause it's cancer. House: We have to find something that walks like cancer, talks like cancer, tastes like cancer, [pops some food in his mouth] but isn't cancer. Kutner: No, we don't. Better is better. Who cares why? House: I do. And so does Tetrault. Thirteen: Who? House: The dad tuba player. Thirteen: Tibalt. House: The point is, he died last, but he died. Which means she's gonna die too. Foreman: Tibalt wasn't receiving cancer medication. House: There's a cancer drug that's used off-label for arthritis. Kutner: There's no record of arthritis. House: Did you interview all the tuba students? Thirteen: If he had joint pain in his hands, he couldn't have played. House: Then it wasn't in his hands. Taub: Then why do we care about his students? House: One of them is Canadian. Brought him methotrexate so he could hide his arthritis. Already couldn't afford his insurance. And that little piece of business cost me $700. I'm gonna pass it on to the patient with a steep mark-up. Foreman: This makes no sense. House: I know. She's dad unless we can find what's cancer... but not cancer. [They all think, silently.] Something's missing. [Cut to loud knock on a door. Wilson answers it. It’s daylight and House has changed his clothes.] House: I need an epiphany. [Wilson stares at him, tight-lipped.] What are you billing out at, $300 an hour? Here's four. [He offers the money to Wilson who doesn’t take it.] Wilson: There are other oncologists. House: Better oncologists. But I need you. [He balls up the money and throws it past Wilson into the apartment.] Let me describe the symptoms, problems, issues, and you say whatever you feel like saying, until something triggers an idea in my head. Wilson: That's not the way it works. House: You have a way of thinking about things. It's sloppy, it's undisciplined, it's not very linear. It complements mine. It drives me down avenues that I wouldn't otherwise — Wilson: House, please go away. House: Cancer, but not cancer. Responds to cancer treatment, but there's no — [Wilson tries to close the door but House blocks it.] How are you? Wilson: Don't do this. Please. Please. Don't do this. I'm trying to move on. House: By hanging out with Cameron, talking to Cuddy, Foreman, but not me. I… [short, mirthless laugh] I paid a private investigator to spy on you. Wilson: [sighs] You didn't. House: You want to move on from me, you got to deal with me, talk to me. Wilson: You had no right — House: We're not friends anymore. There's no trust to be breached. I can have you followed, I can call you names, tell your secrets. [They look at each other.] Foreman did a CT. Temporal and frontoparietal regions are normal. Occipital lobe, normal. Wilson: I have the right to walk away from you, House. There's a world beyond you. You need to realize that, and even if you don't, I'm moving on. The next time you knock, I'm not answering. House: Nothing yet. Keep talking. [Wilson closes the door.] [Cut to street. As House walks past a park bench, Lucas lowers his newspaper, stands and joins him.] Lucas: I'm sorry. House: You charge me for listening in on my own conversations? Lucas: Yeah, why wouldn't I? House: How many friends do you have? Lucas: 17. House: Seriously? You have a list? Lucas: No, I knew this conversation was really about you, so I just gave you an answer so you could get back to your train of thought. House: Well done. I have one. Had one. Lucas: You know, friends are important. You're gonna miss— House: Shut up. Friends allow you to not sit in a room by yourself. Are you charging me for this? Lucas: Are we friends? House: No. Lucas: Then yes. House: Do you wanna be my friend? Lucas: No. You scare me a little. House: He thinks if he's not a friend, he can't talk to me. We can talk, we can be two human beings talking — Lucas: I'm with him. Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt. House: Yes, you did. I was in the middle of a sentence. Lucas: Yes, I did. You're repeating yourself. House: I'm grateful. Make your point. Lucas: It's like that "cancer, but not cancer" thing you were talking about before. Friends are friends, customers are customers, and everything else is everything else. If it's not, nothing's nothing. House: And anything can be anything. [looks at his watch] 10:10. Stop the clock. [He starts walking away.] Lucas: What? House: The world is not as ugly as she thinks it is. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. House walks in.] House: Cancer, but not cancer. Doesn't make any sense unless... [He pulls an x-ray from a folder.] Brain, but not brain. Occipital lobe's normal. But her eyes suck. That lobe should be compensating. Since it's not, that tells me that something's in there that shouldn't be in there. Brain, but not brain. Cuddy: Why are you in my office? House: To find the anomaly, I need to chop off the top of her head. Pretty sure I need your approval for that. Cuddy: I'm gonna trust your first instinct. House: I'm not usually confused when you say things like that. Cuddy: I'm ordering her cancer treatment to be continued. [Holds up a bill.] Why does it cost $2,300 to fix a coffee machine? House: Cancer stem cells are real. They explain everything. They're like embryonic stem cells. They become whatever they want. Donor had them, the recipients got them. They floated around, they landed on an organ, got bathed in cytomes and partially differentiated. And the key word there is partially. In the tuba player, they became lung, but not lung. In the tennis player, they became heart, but not heart. Stop me if you've figured out the pattern. They looked as if they belonged, but they weren't doing their jobs. And when they were really needed, boom. Chemo worked because cells are basically tumors. Chemo shrunk them. [He looks at her.] You're still gonna say no, aren't you? Cuddy: You've no proof. House: I have the brain scan. Cuddy: The normal brain scan. House: This is why I need to take off her head. Cuddy: To treat or to prove you're right? House: To treat. Chemo's not klling anything. It's just hiding the real problem. She's gonna crash. If we wait until she does crash, it might be too late. Cuddy: So the next step is what? I say no, and then you do something to make her crash so that I'll think you've proven your theory? House: I would never do that. Cuddy: No, you won't. [Cut to Apples room. A nurse is inside and two uniformed guards are at the door. House looks at them and leaves.] [Cut to House sitting on the floor of Wilson’s empty office, playing with a rubber band. The door is open and a seating area can be seen outside. Light comes through the windows.] [Cut to House sitting on the floor of Wilson’s now dark and empty office. Several hours must have passed. House takes out his phone and dials.] [Cut to Apple’s room. A male nurse’s hands are adjusting her IV. Her heart rate quickly rises from 90 to 96 to 108.] Male Nurse: She’s crashing! [Several other nurses run in and the first nurse leaves. All that can be seen are his shoes and his argyle socks.] [Cut to the brain surgery. Chase is assisting as the neurosurgeon opens Apple’s skull and puts a slice of something — brain? bone? — in a solution.] House: [on intercom from observation area] You might want to check her IV. From here, it looks like saline instead of chemo. Chase: Yeah, they look identical. House: Still. You should probably check. Chase: You switched her meds? House: How could I? I had no access. Chase: [to the neurosurgeon] Close her back up. House: Do the surgery. Chase: There's no reason to — House: No reason not to. The stupidly dangerous part is already over with. Surgeon: We're ready with the neural net. [Chase looks at House who raises his eyebrows. Chase bows a fraction of an inch. House sits down. The surgeon puts a net on Apple’s brain. Lucas enters the observation area.] Lucas: Is that someone's brain? House: Except for the part that isn't brain. Lucas: Hey, that's the patient I — You said she'd be fine. House: I'm a better liar than you are. Lucas: I swapped her meds. I mean, she's got a brain problem. I coulda klled her. House: Yup. The neural net will show us how fast her neurons are fring. If there's something in the way, say... Brain that's not brain, the normal neural impulses will be sucked into a vortex because they're unable to do their job. The computer will then process it and give us a picture of where to cut. Lucas: Cool. House: Excuse me? Lucas: Sorry, I thought that's what you wanted to hear. You think all this is amazingly cool. And you have no one else, so you're paying a guy to listen. Sorry —just trying to save you some cash. House: I'm on the clock. Lucas: Yeah, why wouldn't you be? You think this is interesting to me? Chase: House? House: [looks at monitors next to him.] I see it. Can you get it? Surgeon: I think so. House: Turns out you didn't kll her. Lucas: Cool. You owe me $5,000. [Cut to Apple’s room. She’s in bed with her entire head, down to the middle of her nose, swathed in bandages. House stands at the foot of her bed.] Apple: Why are you just standing there, Dr. House? House: How'd you know who it is? Apple: I can smell you. House: Yeah, like you're a field of roses. [He pushes the emergency buzzer for the nurses. The same two enter.] Peppermint tea. Nurse: You ever hear of the boy who cried wolf? House: Never really bought that. I don't care how often a kid cries, he's being eaten by a wolf, mom's gonna come running. [The nurses leave. To Apple.] The world is ugly. People k*ll. They go hungry. [He buzzes again. Just one nurse comes in.] Just proving a point. [She leaves.] People are asses. Apple: Why are you telling me this stuff? House: Because the world is not as ugly as you think it is. Your transplanted cornea's fine, your eye is fine, but your brain wasn't working right. I'm gonna take the gauze off your eyes now. It's gonna be bright. Apple: I know. House: The brain cells that weren't brain cells were in the way of processing visual information correctly. After the transplant, you could see, but not see. Apple: I could see. I could read. House: Yeah, but it was dull, or foggy, or gray. I don't know. What I do know is that you were not seeing what everyone else was seeing. Apple: And now? Things are gonna be... beautiful? House: Things'll be what they are. [He removes the last of the bandages.] How do I look? Apple: You look sad. [Cut to House’s office at night. He’s tossing a billiards ball in the air. He picks up the phone and dials.] House: Hey. Is there any way I could put you on retainer? [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x02 - Not Cancer"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a close up of Brandon’s eye as he adds flesh-toned shading to a canvas. He looks at the model’s crossed legs then back at the portrait. He studies the face on the canvas which sparkles in the light. The model, Susan. is a woman in her thirties. The camera explores the studio and comes to rest on her. She’s sitting among several pillows on a couch and is nude. Her right leg is tucked under her and the left is crossed over it. Her arms are crossed over her left thigh, hiding her nipples. Susan: I still can't believe you talked me into this. Anthony: [chuckling] Come on, honey. You're gonna throw him off. Brandon: It's okay. I'm almost done. A little more light on your hips. Susan: [grimacing] Oh, God. Why couldn't you have come up with this before I had two kids? Anthony: [chuckling] You look amazing. Brandon: Okay, I think… yeah, I'm done. Wanna come take a look? [Anthony holds a fuchsia robe for Susan as Brandon signs the painting.] Susan: I can’t. You first. [They both giggle.] Anthony: No, we'll look together. [As they face the canvas their faces freeze, unsmiling.] Susan: I don't understand. I… I thought — Anthony: What the hell is that? Susan: Honey. It's okay. Anthony: This is not what we discussed, or what I paid for. Brandon: I don't understand. I think this is one of the best I've ever done. Anthony: I want my money back. Brandon: I'm sorry, but this is not some department store photo studio. Anthony: [pointing] And this is not my wife. Brandon: Yes, it is. You asked me to paint her exactly as she looks. That's exactly what I did. [Anthony punches Brandon who knocks the easel over as he falls.] Susan: Honey! Oh, stop it! Heather: [running down from the loft] What's going on? Brandon! Anthony: That check… better be in my mailbox by Friday. Or I'll be back. [to Susan] Come on! Heather: [to Brandon] What happened? Brandon: [sitting up and wiping blood from his nose] I don't know. They saw the painting and they just freaked out. Heather: [picking up the canvas] Brandon, what is this? Brandon: What do you mean? It's her portrait. [She looks at him, puzzled.] What's wrong with it? [The portrait looks like a bad cross between a Francis Bacon and a George Grosz. The left eye is high on the forehead, the right down on the cheek.] [Opening Credits] [Cut to the cafeteria. House and Lucas are having coffee. House is going through some papers.] House: Why's this in here? Lucas: First column, last entry. House: [looks at it and smiles] Today is going to be a good day. [Cuddy walks up to the table.] Cuddy: This him? House: [simultaneously] No. Lucas: Yes. House: She means are you the private investigator whose bills I've tried to slip through as medical expenses? Lucas: Oh. [standing] Hi. I'm Lucas Douglas, PI. Cuddy: This hospital's not putting a private investigator on retainer. Nor is it gonna pay any more phony repairs on vending machines, cryostats, or elevators. House: Information saves lives. Saving lives saves money. Cuddy: No, saving lives costs money, which is why I'm trying to make sure there's still some left! You want your own personal PI, you're gonna have to pay for him yourself. [to Lucas] Sorry. Lucas: No, I understand. Hey, I… I like the shoes, by the way. Cuddy: [leaving] Uh… thank you. House: You don't like her shoes. You like her legs. Lucas: It sounds less creepy if you say shoes. House: Less creepy, more gay. Lucas: That's my firm's motto. What is a cryostat? House: No idea. Whoever fixed ours is about to get stiffed. [He balls up one of the sheets of paper and tosses it in the trash can. Two points.] [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room. The team is looking at several of Brandon’s paintings. None of them are particularly good but only the one of Susan is distorted.) Thirteen: There's no distorted perspective in any of his other recent works. Taub: Not much talent, either. Foreman: So the symptoms just came on. Acute onset visual agnosia points to a stroke or brain tumor. Taub: MRI revealed no stroke or brain tumor. Foreman: We should do another with contrast. Thirteen: If he's like the other struggling artists I've known, he's also into drugs. We should… [to House] What are you looking at? House: Apparently, a moron. One, ER routinely tests for drugs. If it was positive, we wouldn't be looking at this file. Two, who pays 12% interest on a car loan? Thirteen: How did you —? Did you run a credit check on me? House: No. That would be illegal. Interestingly enough, paying someone to run it for me, though… [The entire team looks annoyed.] What? It's part of my job. Thirteen: Your job is to diagnose patients. House: Which I do with the team. How am I supposed to know how best to utilize that team if I don't know everything about them? Say that Van Gogh turns out to have neurosyphilis, and our last vial of penicillin is in a storeroom at the end of a 20-mile hallway with a two-foot high ceiling. Taub: You've discovered that one of us has been hiding the ability to stretch or shrink themselves? House: No. I would never out someone's super powers. [He wheels his chair to his desk and gives Thirteen a pile of papers that was there.] This, on the other hand… Thirteen: [to Kutner] You crawled 20 miles? Kutner: My name's in the Guinness book. Taub: I'll bet that really impresses the babes. Kutner: I didn't do it to get the babes. Taub: No. That would cheapen the purity of your achievement. [House watches this interaction and smiles.] Foreman: Sorry to interrupt, but we have a patient with a probable brain tumor. Taub: Who needs an MRI with contrast, we've established that. What do you got on Taub? House: I got nothing on Taub. Thirteen: Could also be environmental. We should check his studio for toxins, mold, fungus. House: Taub's wife, on the other hand… Foreman: House. That's enough. House: Dad's right. This is no time for gossip. A patient desperately needs our help. Check his head and his house. Kutner: Can't Lucas — House: [grabbing report out of Thirteen’s hand] Nope. He's very busy. [Cut to MRI lab.] Foreman: If there is a tumor, this test will show us — Brandon: Is that stuff dangerous? Thirteen: This is just the contrast material. There is a small risk of an anaphylactic reaction. Brandon: I could stop breathing? Foreman: Don't worry. We're prepared to deal with whatever happens. Brandon: You know, I did some drawings this morning, and they seemed fine. So maybe it was just a reaction to something I ate. Foreman: How many people you know have reactions like that to something they ate for breakfast? Brandon: But if I'm getting better… Foreman: You’ll continue to get better. If you're not, we need to know why not so we can start treatment immediately. Heather: Baby, let them do the test. [He takes the clipboard from Foreman and signs the consent form.] [Cut to Brandon’s studio. Kutner is looking at a tube of paint.] Kutner: Can lead poisoning cause visual agnosia? Taub: Not without lead showing up in the blood work. [enters from another room] Nothing in the medicine cabinet except some harmless toiletries. No signs of mold or fungus anywhere, either. Kutner: You think House really got something on your wife? Taub: No. Not that I'd care if he did. Kutner: Wait, your wife's doing the doorman in your bed, and they're sweating all over the sheets that you paid for and — Taub: My wife's not doing the doorman. Kutner: How do you know? Taub: We don't have a doorman. And I just do, okay? Drop it. Kutner: In college, my friends and I came up with an inverse-square law. Taub: Sounds like a real fun group. Kutner: The girls who you think are the most inhibited… straight arrows… They're the ones you hook up with. Taub: Are you saying my wife's a slut? Kutner: I'm saying if my wife was a slut, I'd wanna know. [Cut to radiology viewing room. The MRI results are on a light board.] Kutner: His place was clean. House: So is his head. Even with contrast, no masses, no lesions. A neurological symptom with no apparent neurological cause. Foreman: Time course means we can rule out cancer and MS. House: Just leaves toxins or drugs. Taub: You called Thirteen a moron for thinking it was drugs. House: Yeah. When she said it, she had other options. And I really just wanted to segue into her stupid loan and your — Foreman: A cavernous angioma in the brain could leak. Once the blood gets reabsorbed, the pressure goes down, the symptom goes away. Thirteen: He'll never consent to petrosal vein sampling. House: Really? Thirteen: He was nervous about an injection of contrast. House: Is his girlfriend hot? I'm not talking fever here. I mean, is she all curvy and perky? Thirteen: Very… and if he dies, it's good news for all of us, but — House: That explains why all his paintings suck. And what's wrong with him. [He starts to leave.] Thirteen: Where are you going? House: To tell him he may have a massive brain tumor. Thirteen: He doesn't. House: I know. I'm not a moron. It's drugs. [Cut to Brandon’s room. House enters.] House: You seem to have a massive brain tumor. Brandon: Who are you? Thirteen: [entering] He's Dr. House. He's pleased to meet you. House: We found no trace on any of your imaging, so we need to cut your head open. It's risky, but it's the only way to save your life. Brandon: No. House: Wrong answer. Brandon: I'm not allowed to say no? House: You're not allowed to not be terrified. There's only two good reasons not to be terrified in a hospital. You're delusional. But then you're not afraid of contrast material either. Or you know you're fine. Since we haven't told you you're fine, you obviously have information that we don't have. What drugs are you on? Thirteen: His drug tests were clean. House: Drug tests only test for drugs they've made tests for. Thirteen: What are you talking about? House: Hottie thinks that he's a great artist, selling art to the rich and tasteful. She's stupid enough to be fooled by the canvases, but bank accounts don't lie. He needed money. [to Brandon] There's not many jobs you can do that don't require time, training, and intelligence. And I know you're not a news anchor or a supermodel, 'cause those jobs seldom cause agnosia. [to Thirteen] He's a guinea pig. Companies pay him to test their untested drugs. [pause. Brandon doesn’t say anything.] Did hottie go for a pee or coffee? Either way, I don't think we should waste any time on denials. Brandon: The clinical trials were supposed to be safe. The drugs are about to be approved by the FDA. Thirteen: Drugs? How many trials are you on? Brandon: Three. House: Admirable. Not many idiots have that much ambition. You've been symptom-free since your admission, so whatever you took has probably cleared your system now. You'll be fine. [to Thirteen] Keep him overnight, just to make sure, and get the names of all the trials he's been in. [He starts to leave.] Brandon: You gonna tell Heather? House: [as he’s closing the door] Couldn't, even if I cared enough to want to. [Cut to House’s office. He enters and picks up his backpack from behind his desk. Someone enters. House looks at his watch.] House: Not bad. You almost made it the whole day. Taub: What'd you find out? House: The point is to see how everyone reacts. Let me go get the rest of the gng. Taub: Cut the crap, House. House: Your wife has a separate bank account in her name only. She's been making weekly cash deposits for about a year now. No withdrawals… yet. Taub: That's it? A bank account? House: A secret bank account. Taub: What makes you think it's a secret? House: Because if it wasn't, you'd call it "the" bank account. Taub: Damn. Always forget to use the right article when lying. It's not secret. We're refurnishing. We set the budget, set up an account. I just couldn't make it to the bank the day we opened it. House: You're spending almost $100,000 on furniture? Taub: [carefully] Yes. [Both their beepers go off.] [Cut to Brandon’s room. Foreman is there with several nurses running around. Brandon is seizing. A nurse has an instrument in his mouth. Taub and House enter.] Taub: What happened? Foreman: I don't know. He was fine, then all of a sudden, he started seizing. Heather: He said you told him he was better. What's happening? What's wrong with him? House: She is hot. [Cut to the team walking down the hall.] House: Obviously the drugs weren't out of his system. Kutner: None of these drugs, nor the drugs that they're derived from, are known for causing seizures. House: By themselves, no. But three unproven, untested drugs? It’s like the mod squad. No one could stop them. Kutner: Ridiculous that they let people take potentially dangerous drugs for money. House: Just to short-circuit that discussion, people should not be testing drugs because they're desperate. But people won't test drugs unless they're desperate. We need drugs to save children and puppies. Ergo, we need desperate people. Ergo, welfare kills sick children. [They reach the vending machines. House holds out his hand. Taub, Kutner and Thirteen start digging in their pockets. Kutner hands him some change.] Thirteen: First drug — House: Why don't we call it bisexidrine? [The others stare at him.] Clinical trials involve experimental drugs. Means they don't have comforting, catchy names yet. Just random, unmemorable trial numbers. [to Thirteen] Go ahead. Thirteen: Bisexidrine is designed as an anticoagulant. Phase one indicated some risk of nausea, ED and insomnia. Second drug. House: Cuckoldisol. Kutner: She is having an affair? House: Worse. Sex can be dismissed as hormonal or emotional. Can be easily regretted. Money is always a calculated decision. Taub: My wife has her own bank account that House doesn't think I know about. House: Shocking. Discuss. Foreman: Drug B is an autoimmune treatment. Almost no side effects. Taub: But even if it's doing what it's supposed to be doing, it doesn't mix well with anticoagulants or anticonvulsives. Kutner: Which is the third drug? House: Worldssorestkneesisil. [Kutner smiles] Cuddy used to have that title, by the way. Foreman: There's a million ways these drugs could interact if they're doing what they're supposed to. If they're not, two million. House: And it'd be interesting to know which of those interactions was causing the problem. Unfortunately, we don't have to. We just have to stop the interacting. Kutner: If we don't know which — House: Stop them all. Put him on dialysis. Clear out his system. Taub: Rapid detox risks arrhythmia, another seizure, hepatic failure. House: Difference is, we know what those risks are. Put him on dialysis. [Cut to Brandon’s room.] Brandon: Dialysis. Use that for kidney failure, right? Thirteen: Don't worry. Your kidneys are fine. Taub: He's not worried about his kidneys. He's worried about how he's going to explain the dialysis to his girlfriend. Brandon: I just don't want her to worry. Thirteen: You mean you don't want her to leave you? Brandon: What's wrong with that? I love her. It's not like I've lied to her about anything important. I am an artist. I've sold plenty of paintings in the past. It's just… I've ht a bit of a dry spell lately, is all. Thirteen: So tell her that. Taub: He can't. He wants her to be happy too. He's telling her what she wants to hear. [Thirteen and Taub are leaving the room, walking past the nurses’ station.] Thirteen: You didn't know? Taub: No. Thirteen: What are you gonna do? Taub: She's not sleeping around. She's not gambling it away. She hasn't even spent any of it. So I don't see a reason to do anything. Thirteen: You don't think a conversation might — Taub: How many people do you know in completely happy and fulfilled relationships? Thirteen: [thinks] None. Taub: I am. Most people cling to some storybook notion of what a relationship is. You can't have an imperfect thought. You can't have a private zone. You can't — Thirteen: Steal money and hide it away in a secret account? Taub: She makes me happy. I make her happy. It works. Because we don't do storybook. And I don't plan to poke into her business. [Cut to the lobby the next morning. As House enters, Taub approaches him.] Taub: You were right about the dialysis. He made it through the night without any more seizures or visual symptoms. House: And I am going to be just as right after breakfast up in my office. The only difference is I'm gonna be right in front of other people. Which means you're not here to talk about the medicine. Taub: You can screw with me all you want at work, but stay out of my personal life. House: What did she say? Taub: Did you just hear what I said? House: I heard the part about “you can screw with me at work all you want.”Want my advice? Taub: Of course not. House: Good, 'cause I have no idea what you should do. I only know what you're going to do. You're gonna — Taub: I said I didn't want your advice. House: I said this is not advice. You are going to forgive her for opening that account, and you're going to confess everything you've done, and then you're gonna beg her to forgive you. Taub: What purpose could that possibly serve? House: None. Which is why I'm not saying you should. But you will. [House gets in the elevator, leaving Taub in the lobby.] [Cut to the elevator.] Lucas: What's your end game? [House fidgets with his ear. He’s listening to Lucas on a transmitter.] House: Where are you? Lucas: [in the clinic waiting area] At the track. House: That's, like, six miles away. How cool are these things? Lucas: I feel like an idiot. The woman sitting next to him shifts further away.] I'm not giving you any more of my stuff. House: You have those night vision goggles? Lucas: No. House: You're lying. Lucas: You like making him miserable. You like driving people away from you. House: He deserved to know the truth. Lucas: There was no truth until you dug it up. House: You do know that stuff exists even when you can't see it, right? [Cuddy comes to the nurses’ station and sees him.] Lucas: [whispering] It was a truth that mattered to him and a truth that mattered to her. Why did it matter to you? House: First of all, stop saying "a" truth. There is only one truth. Lucas: That may be true for you. House: [leaving the elevator and talking loudly] Miserable people save more lives. If your life has meaning, your job doesn't have to have meaning. Screw-ups are more palatable if you have someone's arms to go cry in. Lucas: Yeah, that makes sense. House: Usually I have more of a fight on that one. Lucas: So why are you making Taub miserable? House: I just said! Lucas: He left his last job to save his marriage. If his marriage falls apart, you think he'll be working harder for you or you think he won't be working for you at all? [House thinks for a moment then opens his office door.] [Cut to Brendan’s room. His neck is so swollen that his chin has disappeared.] Foreman: His head and neck are completely swollen. I need a trache kit. His throat's closing. [Foreman uses ambu-bag while Kutner gets the trache kit.] Can't find any landmarks. Kutner: Just start cutting. Foreman: An exploratory trache? Kutner: We don't have a choice. Foreman: [cuts Brendan’s neck] Got it. [He inserts the trache tube.] [Cut to Brendan’s room. He’s sitting up in bed but still swollen beyond recognition. Heather and a nurse are with him. Voice over by Kutner.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room] Kutner: His face is so swollen it squeezed his tear ducts shut. We've been lubricating his eyes by hand. We started him on steroids, IV and cream, to reduce the swelling, but it's having limited effect. Taub: Negative for thrombosis and Chagas. Could be infection. Thirteen: Culture's still negative. Foreman: Could be his immune system's on hyperdrive. Cytokine storm. House: [studying papers in front of him] Why would you pay for a three-year gym membership and only go twice? [The others stare at him.] Sorry. You guys still diagnosing? Thought we'd finished hours ago. You remember, when we decided it was the unproven, unapproved cocktail of drugs he's been downing like… well, like a cocktail. Foreman: He just completed a total dialysis. If it was the drugs, he'd be better. House: Or he'd be worse. [pause] I take it none of you saw Trainspotting. Thirteen: You think swelling is a symptom of withdrawal? House: You think it's a coincidence that three new symptoms cropped up as soon as we took him off the drugs? Taub: It's possible some of the symptoms — House: [fiddling with pill bottle] Either the drugs are the answer, or the drugs are a coincidence. If it's one, we have to find a better way to detox him. If it's two, we have to know which symptoms are withdrawal-related before we can formulate a diagnosis. Which means we have to find a better way to detox him. [takes Vicodin] Taub: So how do we do it? House: Hair of the drug that bit him. Kutner: That's ridiculous. If it is the drugs, they're dangerous, and they've already caused — House: That's why we're gonna put him back on the drugs, and then wean him off again. Just much slower. [The fellows look at Foreman.] Why are you looking at him? Foreman: Try it out. House: You heard the boss! Go! [Thirteen, Kutner and Taub start to leave.] House: Taub — Taub: I didn't talk to her. [He keeps walking.] [Cut to the clinic. Lucas has his newspaper up near his face. Cuddy strides over and grabs the paper.] Cuddy: Why are you — Man: Excuse me. Cuddy: Uh, sorry. [It’s not Lucas.] [She turns back and sees Lucas going through her desk.] Lucas: He does look like me, doesn't he? Cuddy: You gave him your hat. Lucas: I needed you out of here, so I could go through your desk. Cuddy: Of course. Lucas: Nice blouse. I really like that color on you. Cuddy: Tell House that if he wants to know what I'm doing, all he has to do — Lucas: It's not House, it's — it's me. I was… I don't know, I was thinking maybe we could get together for a drink or something. I wasn't sure exactly what you like to do. So I thought — Cuddy: You'd spy on me. Lucas: No. No. Not spying. More like research. I think it's a good idea to get to know a little bit more about a woman before you ask her out. [leans back in her desk chair.] Show you care about more than just what she looks like. Cuddy: As romantic as you make that sound, I'm pretty sure that what you're doing is… not so much caring as creepy. Lucas: That's not fair. Cuddy: You were scrounging through my desk. Lucas: What the hell am I gonna find out? You went to Michigan. You like your sandwiches a little light on mayo. You stay in touch with your mother. You rented the English Patient and you gave money to Amnesty International. There's not one thing I can find out in here that you wouldn't tell a coworker while riding in an elevator. [pause] I'm not a creep. I just thought you seemed interesting. [pause. quietly] I'll go now. [He picks up his jacket and a cellophane-wrapped bouquet of roses.] Lucas: Yeah, these, um… [Cuddy doesn’t move. He puts the flowers on her desk and starts to leave. At the doorway, he snaps his fingers and turns.] I'll give you embarrassing info on House. Cuddy: In exchange for — Lucas: No, no need for a date. You'd be employing me, so I'd have all the time in the world to ask you all about you, and it would fall under the category of socializing instead of creepy stalking. Cuddy: And I'd be paying you? Lucas: I know it's weird. But if you pay me while I check you out, it's — it's all cool. And you get value. You get leverage against him. Help you keep him in line. Cuddy: You think I need help keeping House in line? Lucas: No. Nope. Sorry. [starts leaving again] Cuddy: This hospital can't afford — Lucas: [turns back] Oh, whatever you can afford. Cuddy: How'd you know I liked roses? Lucas: I was in your house last night. [She gapes at him.] No! I'm kidding. Who the hell doesn't like roses? [He leaves quickly.] [Cut to Taub and Rachel Taub having dinner at home.] Rachel: I forgot to tell you. The Parker Quartet's gonna play at the library fund raiser. [He doesn’t react.] That's it? It was your idea. Taub: They'll be great. Rachel: You okay? Taub: I couldn't find the letter opener. I went through some of the drawers in your desk looking for it. There were a bunch of statements in there from Jefferson Mutual. Rachel: [takes several deep breaths.] I was so close. Taub: To what? You've got $83,000 socked away in a secret account. Rachel: Not anymore. I wanted to keep it a surprise, but… I bought you the car. [laughs] Taub: Uh, the one that — that I… Rachel: I knew you would never buy it yourself, so… I've been saving. And it's gonna be delivered on Friday. [She comes around the table to hug him.] Taub: You are amazing. Rachel: Lucky you. [Cut to Brandon’s room. The swelling is gone. The trache tube is gone and Thirteen is stitching up his neck.] Thirteen: We've gradually reduced your dosage. You're actually drug-free now. Brandon: I feel great. Thanks to you. Thirteen: All part of the job. Your blood pressure's normal. Can you sit up? [He does. As she leans in to listen to his chest with her stethoscope, he bites her neck.] Hey! [He grabs her and pulls her onto the bed, on top of him.] What are you doing? [She punches him and gets off the bed as nurses rush in, followed by Foreman.] Brandon: Ah, ahh! Foreman: What happened to his face? Thirteen: Question is what happened to his hormones? We're gonna need an ice pack in here. [Cut to Brandon’s room later. He is asleep and his arms are tied to the bed rails.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.] Kutner: We can rule out the clinical trial drugs at this point. His system has been completely cleaned twice. Unless the drugs found a hiding place under the stairs… Taub: Drugs could have set off a dormant neurological condition. House: Good point. Coming clean can cause a lot of damage. Alienation, divorce. Taub: My wife's buying me a car. House: I was talking about the patient. Taub: You were wrong. House: Divorce was metaphorical. Foreman: What about Kluver-Bucy syndrome? Bilateral lesions in the temporal lobes. Visual agnosia and hyper-sexuality are the key symptoms. House: Good thing he's got that girlfriend. If it's Kluver-Bucy, his brain'll melt down, he'll try to swallow his own hands, and she can take care of him for the rest of his talentless life. [Taub gets up and confronts House.] Taub: You owe me an apology. Any rationalization you had for meddling in my private life disappeared when she had good reason — House: You're right. Fact is, nothing I said applies. You had no reason to forgive her. Therefore, no reason to seek forgiveness. No reason to be an idiot. [Taub, Thirteen and Foreman all look taken aback at the apology. Kutner sits back down.] Thirteen: Kluver-Bucy wouldn't explain the seizure or the cytokine storm. Foreman: Withdrawal complications. House: Then again, she is handing you a giant gift that you don't think you deserve. Thirteen: The fact that the MRI showed no lesions on the temporal lobe tends to rule out your lesions on the temporal lobe theory. Foreman: The damage can be a circulatory issue rather than structural. We wouldn't see that on the MRI. House: Foreman's right. [to Taub] Go call your wife, tell her you're not coming home 'cause you have to give the patient a cranial MR angiogram. Then say good night and hang up. [Cut to House’s apartment. It’s dark. He turns on the light, drops his keys on the table and takes off his jacket. He opens the hall closet. Lucas is sitting in on the floor with a shoebox in his hand.] Lucas: Odd that a man who can't run would own so many pairs of sneakers. House: [hands Lucas his jacket] You wanna hang this up when you're done? Lucas: I have to find something embarrassing about you. House: No, you don't. Lucas: I ordered us Indian. Not too embarrassing, just something credible. House: [getting beer from the refrigerator] Well, if you hand her that, she's not gonna need you anymore. Lucas: Well, if I don't hand her anything, she'll think I'm incompetent. House: I don't care if she thinks you're incompetent. Lucas: This isn't gonna work. House: It's worked so far. Lucas: No, I'm no good at lying. House: I know. That's why your cover is that you want to do her. [takes Vicodin] Lucas: I like her. I don't wanna do her. House: Then what's the point of liking her? Lucas: I meant I don't just want to do her. I like her. What do you think you're gonna find out about her? House: Something… personal. Something embarrassing. I spend half my life negotiating with that woman. Anything I can use to scare her into saying yes. Lucas: Okay. House: Okay? You're okay with being paid twice to facilitate blackmail? Lucas: I'm okay. I don't believe you, but I'm okay. You're doing this for the same reason I'm doing this. We'll see who gets there first. [Cut to radiology viewing room. The angiogram films are on the table.] Kutner: Here it is. Circle of Willis, the vessels are narrow. House: Narrow for you, normal for him. If there were problems with the vessels, he'd have had symptoms long ago. Taub: Not if something else changed. House: Like? Taub: His heart. He could have recently gotten an intermittent arrhythmia. House: I know "heart" and "head" start with the same three letters, but you gotta read all the way to the end. Taub: The experimental drug is causing arrhythmia, which causes low blood pressure. Combine that with those narrow vessels, the brain doesn't get enough blood. That causes all of his symptoms. If we can trigger the arrhythmia and identify it, we might be able to stop it from klling him. House: Been home? Taub: No. House: Good. Do an EP study. Find the arrhythmia. [Cut to Taub and two orderlies wheeling Brandon through the hall.] Taub: We're gonna insert three electrocatheters into your heart. Brandon: Tell Dr. Hadley I'm sorry. Taub: She understands. And you should tell her yourself. Brandon: Maybe I should tell Heather about — Taub: You're gonna be fine. Brandon: She's just so supportive. And so great. All I do is lie to her. Taub: What happens if you tell her? Brandon: I don't know. Taub: You love her, right? Brandon: More than anything, and she loves me. Taub: If you open your mouth, one of two things happens. She either forgives you or she leaves you. At best, you wind up exactly where you are right now. It's noble to want to confess. Really, it is. But if the result's just damage and pain, that's not noble. That's selfish. [Cut to procedure room.] Taub: Stimulate right atrium. Thirteen: No more conduction. Taub: How long you plan on keeping me from going home? Until you're convinced I'm a different person, one who won't do anything stupid? House: Guilt fades quickly. By Wednesday, you'll be fine. Taub: Right ventricle. And why do you want it to fade? Why do you suddenly care about my marriage? House: Because… if it ain't broke — Taub: You obviously think it is broke. House: You obviously think it ain't. Your marriage is like a broken toaster. Bread keeps popping out, and you keep calling it toast. Which is weird, because you've put your bread in a lot of toasters and apparently you don't see any difference. It's kind of fascinating. Thirteen: He's going into V-tach. Brandon: What's wrong? House: Good news. The test is working. Your heart's freaking out, but it's cool that you're still conscious. Thirteen: [to Taub] Try to overdrive. Taub: Didn't work. [The three fellows are working frantically. Kutner pulls over the defibrillator cart. House stands there then moves closer to Brandon, staring curiously.] Kutner: This might burn a little bit. Charging to 60. Clear. Brandon: Ow! Kutner: Going again, charging to 120. House: Have you been dyeing your hair? [He’s inspecting Brandon’s temples.] Brandon: No. Kutner: House, clear. House: Right. [steps back] Brandon: Ow. House: The hair is growing in red. Taub: His heart rate is sab. House: [to Taub] Does your theory include any genetic mutations that could cause his hair to change color? Either he's lying about dyeing… or just dying. [Cut to hallway near nurses’ station.] House: Red hair means it's not Kluver-Bucy. Melanin affects hair color. What affects melanin? Taub: Hormones. Thirteen: Hormone panels were all normal. Taub: Age. House: He's turning prematurely crimson? Foreman: A genetic disorder. Waardenburg syndrome causes arrhythmias and can change hair color. House: And make you deaf. Next. Kutner: Found a long QT interval. I think it's Romano-Ward syndrome. House: Explains the irregular heart rhythms. House: But not the ginger nut. Foreman: If he's got Romano’s, he's got at least five gene mutations. Not a big leap to think he has others that would give him the hair. House: It also gives him the likelihood of sudden and unexpected death. Kutner: Beta blockers don't work. His heart can't handle an ICD. House: Pete Best. [The others look at him, waiting.] Good God! Has none of you ever read a history book? The original Beatles drummer. A bunch of nerves controls the tempo of the heart. They're all playing in time, except one dude can't keep the bat. Wrecks the whole thing. So we hire Ringo. Kutner: Pete Best was actually a great drummer, but I assume you mean the patient needs a cardiac sympathectomy? House: Probably should have just said that, huh? Taub: Start cutting nerves, you risk his swallowing, vocal cords, sweating. House: So he saves a fortune on karaoke machines and deodorant. Thirteen: You think he's sab enough for surgery? House: If he was, he wouldn't need it. [Cut to a photo of a young House in a white turtleneck and a cardigan. A girl in a cheerleader outfit is sitting on his shoulders.] Cuddy: Wow. [She’s at the counter in a diner, eating toast and staring at the picture. Lucas is leaning on the counter and staring at her.] Wow. Lucas: Yeah. Do you have any brothers and sisters? Cuddy: One sister. He told me he was on the lacrosse team. Lucas: In high school. In college, he just cheered the lacrosse team on to victory. Cuddy: Wow. Lucas: Yeah. How’s your relationship with your dad? Cuddy: Fine. You have three more questions. Lucas: How’s your relationship with your mom? Cuddy: Fine. Lucas: When did you lose your virginity? Cuddy: Not something I'd discuss with coworkers in an elevator. Lucas: And… And… You know, don’t you? Cuddy: A bit of a wasted third question. 'Cause the answer is "know what?" Lucas: Okay, bear with me here. Because some people sometimes consider my thought processes complicated. I'm into you, 'cause you're hot. And smart. In that order, but both are needed. Photos can be retouched. And House is an evil genius, which makes this photo suspicious. And yet you're not suspicious. Which means either you're not smart enough to be suspicious, in which case I am less interested in you, or you're not suspicious because you know this is actually a doctored photo of House, in which case I am more interested in you. But I am wasting my time because you know this is a game we are playing on you, and I am busted and I'm screwed. Cuddy: I know the photo's a fake. And I know this is a game. Lucas: I'm sorry. Too bad. Good-bye. [He makes it to the door and turns around.] So you knew that I wasn't gonna give you anything worthwhile? An — and you were never gonna give me anything worthwhile. Then why did you bother coming out with me? Cuddy: I… wanted to screw with House. Lucas: By wasting my time? That doesn't make sense. No, uh… There must be another reason. Hmmmm. Is it okay if I sit back down here? [Cuddy smiles and giggles a little. He smiles back.] [Cut to Brandon’s room. Taub and Thirteen are talking to him.] Thirteen: Your heartbeat's out of control. We need to surgically sever the connection between your heart and brain. [Cut to Brandon’s point of view. It’s Taub and Thirteen’s voices, but it’s not them.] Taub: We believe it's necessary, but you need to know the ramifications. You'll never be able to feel angina. You may not know if you have a heart attck. You may not be able to get help in time. Brandon: Where are my regular doctors? Thirteen: Regular doctors? Brandon: Dr. Taub and Dr. Hadley. Why aren't they telling me this? [The two doctors look at each other.] Thirteen: Brandon, I am Dr. Hadley. And this is Dr. Taub. Brandon: What are you talking about? I've never seen you before in my life. [The doctors turn away from Brandon. It is Taub and Thirteen.] [Cut to House getting off the elevator on the patient floor. Taub and Thirteen are waiting for him by the nurses’ station.] Taub: We can't do the surgery. We're back to where we started. Visual agnosia. Thirteen: We need to reexamine neurological disorders. Something's slowly progressing. Taub: This isn't progressing. It's there, then it's not, then it is. It's a new symptom, intermittence. House: It's irrelevant. [He’s pacing and the other two follow him.] Taub: Since when is a new symptom irrelevant? House: Since it points towards the same disease. Intermittence can fit with Romano-Ward. We still need to do a sympathectomy. Taub: Maybe we missed something. Toxins. House: When? When you checked every bottle, every can, every tube of paint? Or when you detoxed him twice? Taub: Maybe there is a batch of toxic paint that he used up a few months ago. Thirteen: Then he would have been sick months ago, not now. Taub: He's lost weight since he got here. House: That's a symptom of trying to cram hospital food down a throat he can barely get air down. Taub: It's not a symptom, but what if the toxins were stored in his fat cells a year ago, and now they're being released into his bloodstream? House: So where you gonna get this old paint? City dump? Taub: On his old paintings. We know he hasn't sold one in ages. But there weren't many in his studio. He's hid them somewhere. House: If you're wrong, he could drop dad from Romano-Ward at any moment. You okay with that? Taub: Just give me a few hours. House: You got one. [He’s back on the elevator and the doors close.] [Cut to Brandon’s room. Heather is with him. Taub rushes in.] Taub: I need to talk to him alone. It's about your work. Your paintings. I need to look at all the ones you've sold recently. Brandon: Honey, can you give us a minute? Heather: To talk about your paintings? Brandon, please. Tell me what's going on. Brandon: I've only sold two paintings in the last… three years. Since we met. One was to my cousin. I've been making money enrolling in drug trials. Two, three at a time. Heather: Why did you lie to me? Brandon: I wanna be, uh… The way you look at me. The way it makes me feel. Uh, I wanna be… what you see… when you look at me. Heather: You think I'm that shallow? When I look at you… I see you. Taub: So… Where are the ones you didn't sell? [Cut to the OR. All the instruments for the sympathectomy are laid out.] [Cut to an creaking, old, open elevator in a warehouse. Taub gets off the elevator and shines his flashlight around.] [Cut to Chase picking up a towel in the OR.] [Cut to Taub opening the gate with a key. He enters Brandon’s storage area and looks for the paintings.] [Cut to Brandon being swabbed with povidone.] [Cut to Taub finding the paintings and pulling them out from their storage slots. Some are distorted. He checks the signatures and dates on the bottom.] [Cut to House’s office. He’s staring out the window. The phone rings.] Taub: It's not the paint, it's the drugs. House: He's not on the drugs. [He sits down.] Taub: I know it doesn't make sense, but I'm looking at his paintings for the last six months. They're normal April, June, and August. But they're distorted May, July, September. [He shines a light on a different painting as he names the month each was painted.] Every other month, he was having visual agnosia, because every other month he was on all three drugs simultaneously. The statin was one month on, one month off. I don't know why the symptoms keep coming and going, but it is the drugs. House: They're hiding under the stairs. Taub: In the fat? That doesn't make sense. These drugs aren't fat soluble. House: I said stairs, not closet. What was the last drug he was on before the drugs he was on when the symptoms started? Taub: I'm not sure. I think — House: Antacid. Taub: How do you know? House: It makes sense. Also, I'm looking at the file. [He picks the file up. Taub, in the warehouse, shakes his head slightly.] [Cut to the OR. The phone rings and a nurse answers it.] Nurse: Yes? [She listens then hangs up. To Chase] It's Dr. House. Chase: Oh. Wake him up. We're done. Nurse: No, no — he says he needs surgery, but not this one. Chase: Did he give any specifics? Nurse: Abdominal surgery to remove a… bezoar. [Cut to lobby. Taub is talking to Heather.] Taub: It's like a hairball, but it's made up of undigested food. You can get it if your stomach acid's low, which Brandon’s was because of an experimental antacid. [He continues over disgusting CGI of the bezoar forming.] Fruit and vegetable fibers and skins get stuck together and form a ball. It gets sticky, ferments, grows. It starts sucking up some of the pills he'd taken. Some are never heard from again. But some get released. For the last week, it's basically been giving him massive doses of all three at once. [Cut to the OR. Chase removes something that looks like half a pomegranate from Brandon’s stomach. He drops it with a thud into a metal dish.] Chase: And that… is why I won't let Cameron buy a cat. [Cut to lobby.] Taub: He should be fine. Are you glad he told you the truth? Heather: Yes… of course. Taub: But… were you happier before you knew? [There are footsteps behind Taub. Heather looks and Taub turns. A set of car keys are being dangled.] [Cut to the garage. Taub is blindfolded with his tie. Rachel is steering him.] Rachel: About ten more feet. Taub: I do know what it looks like, so maybe this whole blindfold thing — Rachel: Shh. My gift, my rules. Bump. [He half trips, half steps over the bump.] All right, if you don't like the color apparently we can exchange it, but I'm hoping. You ready? [He nods and she removes the blindfold.] Ta-dahhhhh! Do you like it? [Taub says nothing. She begins to get nervous.] Baby, are you okay? Taub: We need to talk. [A bluesy tune is heard. It’s coming from Houses piano. The door opens and House enters. Lucas is playing the piano.] Lucas: She didn't buy it. House: Damn. So you didn't get anything. Lucas: Nothin'. We probably overstepped. You're really not the cheerleader type. House: On the other hand, I figured she probably wouldn't figure me as the "photoshopping a photo and planting it in an obscure college paper" type either. Lucas: Heh. Yeah, about that. I took a little trip to your alma mater. House: You took a little trip 150 miles. Lucas: Online, by phone. I meant I did research. [House sits and picks up a guitar. They start improvising together.] That's a real photo, isn't it? [no answer] Wow, that is humiliating. House: There was a girl. Lucas: Even more so. That's too bad. You wanted her to see you in a different light, and… not only didn't she see it… She didn't even believe it was possible. House: You know, people hate people who have theories about people. Lucase: You want me to back off? House: Would you? Lucas: I barely know you. [They both smile and continue playing.] [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x03 - Adverse Events"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a dimly lit Buddhist temple in China. Nicole, a Chinese American woman, is there with her interpreter/guide.] Nicole: Do you see them anywhere? Fang Dong Wen: Why don't we go back to their house, wait for them there. Nicole: Yeah, 'cause they'll probably answer the door the sixteenth time I knock. [She wanders around and sees an elderly couple at a shrine.] There they are. Hi. I'm sorry I followed you here. I just really wish you could give me a few minutes of your time. [Fang Dong Wen begins simultaneous translation into Chinese.] I know you never agreed to make it an open adoption, but I just figured maybe you never had a choice. I mean, it's China, right? [The man replies, briefly. He is obviously angry. The couple walks away quickly.] Nicole: W — what did he say? Fang Dong Wen: He wants you to leave them alone. [Nicole runs after them and blocks their way.] Nicole: Please. [The woman says something.] I just want ten minutes. Learn what you're like, tell you about my life. [The man spits on the ground. He starts talking in an angry tone. Fang DongWen replies in a placating way. The couple leaves and Nicole turns to Fang Dong Wen.] Fang Dong Wen: He said they have no daughter. I am sorry you wasted a trip. Nicole: I know that's them. [She sees a Buddha.] How does that work? How do I pray? Fang Dong Wen: You make a wish and lift the Buddha. Nicole: I wish they could understand how badly I need this. Fang Dong Wen: Now make the wish again. If you cannot lift the Buddha this time, your wish will be granted. [She strains to lift the statue but it doesn’t budge. She cries out in pain.] Fang Dong Wen: Are you okay? [Nicole falls to her hands and knees, groaning. Fang Dong Wen crouches down next to her. She vomits blood. He calls for help in Chinese.] [Opening Credits] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House enters, reading a file.] House: I picked Cameron’s pocket down in ER. I came up with a doozy. Kutner: Your mother called — twice. House: She's still healthy. This 25-year-old woman, on the other hand… Kutner: Her messages sounded kind of urgent. House: Well, that's the way women sound when their spouse of 50 years dies. [He goes into his office, hanging his cane from the top of the doorframe as he enters.] Thirteen: Your dad died? Are you — House: Yep. Fine! Our patient, who's been known to take a few drinks on non-occasions, vomits blood and collapses on a trip to China. Chinese surgeons cut out a foot of bowel, but the pain is worse now than it was before. Taub: House, call your mom. House: What are you, my mom? Taub: We can continue this differential in five minutes. House: Are those bags under your eyes? You were up all night. You told her, didn't you? Taub: I don't know what your daddy issues are, but don't deflect them on me. House: [to the others] Told his wife he's been getting some strange. She kicked his adulterous tuchus to the curb. Kutner: Seriously, you told her? Taub: Yes, I told her. But no, she did not kick me to the curb. We stayed up late talking. We're going to continue talking. Much like House should be doing with his mother right now. Foreman: Anybody read Chinese? Otherwise, we have no idea what these doctors did to her. House: Kutner, you're sort of Asian, right? Get it translated. [He drops the file in front of Kutner who takes it and leaves.] Thirteen: What about Meckel's diverticulum? If the surgeons didn't remove the diverticulum, it can cause pain, bleeding. House: Too high up for a colonoscopy. CT could miss it. Ultrasound's fastest. And since I'm fastest with the ultrasound… Foreman: House, let me do the ultrasound. You need to deal with your dad and stop — House: I'm not deflecting because I'm avoiding something deep. I'm deflecting because I'm avoiding something shallow. Seriously, I'm fine. I didn't even like the man. [Cut to Nicole’s room. He belly, which is covered with ultrasound gel, has a long, red scar. The stitches haven’t been removed yet.] House: No Meckel’s. [He hands her a box of tissues.] Were you there for the rice or the reeducation camps? Nicole: I was there to track down my biological parents. House: Like a salmon returning to the stream where it was born. Did you become whole again, or did you get eaten by bears? Nicole: They denied my existence. [He checks her glands on her right side. She’s facing him when she coughs, right into his face.] House: Four parents, and not one of them taught you to cover your mouth. [Bob and Janice, Nicole’s parents, enter. Bob is holding a cardboard box. Janice rushes to the bedside.] Janice: Oh, my God! It looks like they cut you in half. Bob: Doctor, we're her parents. House: I'm just a technician. Her doctors will be by later. You can schmooze then. Bob: Can you let them know that we, uh, we went by her apartment and collected all her medication. [House grabs the box.] House: I'm a technician and a doctor. Nicole: You went through my apartment? Janice: We found alcohol. We thought you'd quit. Bob: [quietly, to House] Did her drinking cause this? House: No. [He finds a plastic baggie that interests him.] Bob: Can you tell her it did? [Cut to hallway. The baggie flies through the air. It lands on the papers Foreman is working on at the nurses’ station.] House: Licorice root. Foreman: Uh, no, thanks. I'm good. [He tossing it back to House who catches it and throws it back to Foreman. Foreman ends up with it.] House: I threw it to you for a reason. That's what the Chinese doctors gave her. It contains glycyrrhizin. Foreman: [quietly] They were treating her for… [very quietly] SARS? House: Not very effectively. But SARS explains the cough, causes hypoperfusion, which explains the ischemic bowel. It's perfect. Foreman: Lung involvement isn't very severe. House: [getting on elevator] Okay, well, so call it "ARS." Start her on ribavirin and interferon. [Cut to House’s office. He’s at his desk, reading. He looks up as Cuddy enters.] Cuddy: Sorry about your father. House: I'm not. Are we done emoting now? Cuddy: If there's anything I can do, just — House: You know, you're right. I don't think I can sleep alone tonight. [Cuddy produces a syringe.] And you can tell me that that is liquid Vicodin. Cuddy: We're giving IG shts to everyone who came in contact with your patient. Shockingly, none of the nurses volunteered to administer yours. [He starts to roll up his sleeve.] It goes better in a large muscle. Drop your pants. House: [He stands, unbuckles his jeans and leans on the desk.] You know, I usually pay tens of dollars to hear that. Cuddy: [gives him the sht] The funeral's tomorrow. House: My mom called you? Cuddy: There is a 3:40 flight out of Newark. If you leave now, you can be in Lexington tonight. Your mother wants you to deliver a eulogy. House: "Eulogy," from the Greek for "good word." Now, if she asked me to deliver a bastardogy, I'd be happy to — Cuddy: Then be a grown-up. Call your mother back and tell her that you're sick with grief, but you're too busy to be there. House: She knows when I'm lying. Cuddy: Then start writing. [She leaves.] [Cut to Nicole’s room. Bob, Janice and two kids in their late teens/early twenties are outside the room looking in.] Kutner: They yanked my brother and sister out of college. Can you please tell them I'm not dying? Kutner: You have SARS. I'm wearing a mask. It's a big deal. Cut 'em some slack. Nicole: But I am gonna be okay, right? Kutner: That's what all this stuff is for. We're gonna need the names and numbers of everyone you came in contact with here and in China. Flight numbers, dates… Nicole: That doctor that I coughed all over… Is he gonna be all right? Kutner: So far he's fine. [Cut to House’s office. He stands, lurches and passes out on the floor with his eyes open.] [Cut to Nicole’s room.] Nicole: Oh, oooh. It's back. This is where the pain all started. Kutner: [on the intercom] She's tachycardic. Get a crash cart in here! Janice: [being held back by a nurse] What's going on? I need to know what's going on. That's my daughter. [Kutner opens her gown and sees something. He pulls off his mask.] Kutner: Her liver's failing. It's not SARS. [Cut to House waking up. He’s seated in a car. Farmland is visible through the window. He looks out the window, getting his bearings, then to his left. Wilson is driving.] Wilson: I am not doing this because I care. [House looks at him and smiles slightly.] [Cut to the car, further along the highway.] House: Cuddy drugged me. She… My mom didn't call Cuddy. She called you. I knew you couldn't stay away. I knew you loved me too much. Wilson: I'm doing this for your mom. House: I'm not doing this at all. If there were something to be done, I would have done it in the year he spent dying. [He checks his pockets.] You took my Vicodin? I'm in pain. [Wilson pulls the Vicodin bottle from his inside pocket, opens it and gives House a pill, all without looking at him.] One? So the Vicodin is my leash. One'll take the edge off, but it won't give me enough relief for an escape back to Plainsboro. [He swallows it.] [Hanson’s Mmmbop is heard. House looks around.] House: Where's my phone? [Wilson ignores him.] It's the team. It's their ring tone. [nothing] Forget it. The patient's blood is on your hands. [Wilson takes out the phone and checks the caller ID before answering it on speaker. Cut between the car and the Diagnostics Conference Room, depending on who is speaking.] Foreman: House? You there? House: I'm being held against my will. Call the police! Thirteen: Nicole had a clot in the hepatic vein. Chase sucked it out, saved her liver. Kutner: No signs of a tumor or venous malformations. Nothing that could cause — Thirteen: She's an addict. Kutner: Drugs and alcohol wouldn't — Thirteen: She's a smoker. Combine smoking with any one of a dozen genetic disorders, and she's a clotting machine. Taub: Multiple blood clots would tie together bowel ischemia, lungs, and the liver. Foreman: We need to pinpoint which defect she has so we can start her on the right anticoagulant. Draw her blood. Let's find out which genetic gift her genetic parents gave her. House: Thanks for calling. [He disconnects the phone.] My ring tone for you is "Dancing Queen," by Abba. [Cut to Nicole’s room. It’s empty. Kutner goes to the bathroom door.] Kutner: Nicole? [He runs out.] [Cut to the car.] House: I need to pee. Pull over at the next stop. [Wilson hands him a plastic bottle. House tosses it over his shoulder into the back seat.] I'll just pee on the floor. [He looks at the floor, grins and picks something up.] You bought used floor mats? That is brilliant. [He rolls down the window, tosses the mat out and starts to unbuckle his pants.] Wilson: There's a rest stop in five miles. [Cut to the rest stop. Wilson has backed into a stop. He gets out and comes around to the passenger side and opens the door for House.] House: Cane. Wilson: The restroom's right there. You can make it on your own. [House turns so he’s sitting sideways on the seat, his feet on the pavement.] House: I suppose I could talk about the summer he decided he wasn't speaking to me. Two months, not one word. Anything he wanted to say, he typed up and slipped under my bedroom door. Wilson: You don't want to say anything, don't say anything, but go. Tell your mom you're sad for her. House: Just by being there, I’d be lying. Wilson: She wants to think, for a moment, that she had a happy family. So give her a gift — lie! House: Give me my cane, I'll go to the damn funeral. [Wilson nods and gets the cane from the trunk. House follows him, takes the cane and hits Wilson on the hand with it. The keys drop down a storm drain.]. House: I said I'd go to the funeral. I didn't say when. [Cut to PPTH. Nicole is sitting on a bench outside, smoking.] Kutner: We have these two categories: Inside and outside. Patients stay inside. Then, when they're better, we let them go outside. Nicole: Thanks. But they don't let you smoke inside. So why don't you go back there and give me five minutes outside? [He sits next to her and pulls on rubber gloves.] Kutner: Make a fist. [to a curious woman passing by] Such a beautiful day, we thought we'd do all our doctoring outside. Nicole: People stare at me any time I'm out with my family. It's like a puzzle. "Which one of these things doesn't belong?" Kutner: Belonging's overrated. I was adopted by a white family when I was nine. I like being different. The view's better from the outside looking in. Nicole: Must be easier to be different when you're a success. [He finishes the blood draw, removes the tourniquet and puts a piece on the site. It is immediately soaked with blood.] Is that a problem? Kutner: This is why we prefer inside. [He keeps a tight grip on the bleed as he pulls her off the bench.] [Cut to the parking lot. House is strolling back to the car with a can of soda. Wilson has an opened wire hanger in his mouth. He’s winding up a battery-free flashlight.] House: You actually keep a flashlight that doesn't need batteries in the trunk? Next to the jacket, emergency water, nail clippers, tooth brush, space blanket — Wilson: When things go wrong, I like to be ready. Will you… please hold the flashlight for a minute? [He kneels over the grate and hands House the flashlight. House takes it, leans over and drops it into the storm drain. He sits on the curb.] Wilson: You know, those aren't just my car keys. My house keys are on there too. Amber gave me that key chain. House: No, she didn’t. Not unless your pet name for her was "Volvo." [Wilson goes back to the trunk and pulls out another wind-up flashlight.] A man who would lie about a gift from a dad girlfriend… Wilson: Is probably responding to a childish, pointless act of petulance. House: The struggle to resist one's captors is never pointless. Vive la résistance! Wilson: Well, I hate to break it to you, Che, but simple delay won't work. Your mother will hold the funeral till we get there. House: [shakes head] My father was a punctual man, beholden to time. Two minutes late for dinner, you didn't eat. My mother would never disrespect him by starting the funeral late. Wilson: Yeah, yeah, you clearly have no issues to work through. House: Come on, forget the keys. Call a locksmith. We'll go inside and play "guess that smell" with the truckers while we're waiting. Join me on the dark side. Wilson: [pulling the keys out on the hanger] The dark side's done, House. I'm delivering you to your mother, and that's it. I’ve moved on. [He slams the car trunk closed.] [Cut to the ER. Cameron is studying a computer screen. Chase is behind her, eating. Foreman is leaning on the counter.] Cameron: What do you think House would send, the "gentle comfort" arrangement or the "warm thoughts" bouquet? I mean, if he wasn't an ass. Chase: Send one of those giant cookies shaped like a coffin. [She looks at him, annoyed] His mom would believe it was from him. Foreman: I didn't tell you so you could send anything. Just wanted you to know the extent to which the man is disconnected from the human race. Kutner: [approaching] Took a six-pack of FFP to stop the oozing. Cameron: She's bleeding and clotting? Kutner: Plus schistocytes on her smear means it's DIC, which means she's got cancer. Cameron: She's young. It could be leukemia. Kutner: Normal WBC makes that less likely. Foreman: The belly pain points toward a GI tumor. Kutner: House already did an ultrasound. Foreman: He wasn't looking for a tumor. Go run a CT. [Kutner leaves.] Chase: I don't buy it. Foreman: CT can find small intestinal cancers that an ultrasound — Chase: I don't buy House. When my father died, I wound up klling a patient. And I hated the man. Whatever House says or doesn't say, I'm sure the guy's a mess. [Cut to the car. They’re back on the road.] Wilson: So he was a bastard. He was still your father. You're biologically programmed to have feelings for him. House: No, I'm not. Wilson: Feelings aren't rational. I know you have trouble with anything that can't be quantified and counted. House: He's not my biological father. [Wilson looks at him.] I figured it out when I was 12. Wilson: Of course. You were a brilliant, socially isolated 12-year-old, and you create a parallel universe in which your life doesn't suck. House: I look at the facts. First of all, he was deployed on training exercises off Okinawa during the time I had to be conceived. Wilson: And since you're 150 years old, air travel was impossible. House: His second toe is longer than his big toe. Mine isn't. Wilson: This is sad. You don't believe your mother screwed around — House: I have a distinctive red birthmark on my scalp that matches a certain friend of the family. Wilson: If you believed this story, you wouldn't be telling me about his birthmarks. You'd be telling me about the genetic testing you had done. [House notices a police car ahead of them.] And since you haven't mentioned it, obviously, you didn't do it. Because you don't want to — House, what are you doing? [House has jammed his cane against the accelerator.] Get your — get off the — there's a cop! [They speed past the cop who puts his siren on. House pulls his cane back and sits back, innocently.] House: Uh-oh. [Cut to CT lab.] Kutner: Nicole, lie still. This'll only take a few seconds. Taub: One millimeter cut through upper abdomen. Kutner: She was adopted when the parents thought they couldn't have kids. Then they had three more. She took the message as "thanks for playing, but we have our real children now." Taub: And the real children probably think they're accidents while she was hand-picked. Everybody's got problems with their parents. Kutner: She's an addict. Something went wrong. Taub: And it has to be the parents? Magnifying pancreas. Kutner: I'm not saying the parents screwed up. Taub: You're saying you like her. So you don't want her faults to be her fault. But they're someone's fault, and the only other people you know are — [The monitor beeps. They both look at the screen.] Kutner: I think we may need to call House again. [Cut to the car. Sheriff Costello is standing by his police car, talking into the radio.] House: You lost track of your speed? I think that was htler’s excuse. Lost track of the Jews. No one held him responsible. Wilson: I'm not playing, House. House: You were protecting me. Anybody in their right mind would have ratted me out. Wilson: I'm just trying to speed things along. You are going to this funeral. [Mmmbop is heard. Wilson takes House’s phone from his pocket and tosses it to him.] House: Make it fast. I don't want to miss the al cavity search. [The team is in the radiology room.] Foreman: Looks like a mass in the pancreas. House: Not to me. This is radio. And I want a full play-by-play. Foreman: It's fluid-filled. Costello: [approaching on the driver’s side] Would you get out of the car, please, sir? Wilson: Officer, if you want to give me a ticket, I totally understand. Costello: Just get out of the car, sir. House: Cyst? Foreman: Large cyst. Something going on there? House: Wilson's getting arrested. How large? SUV sized, or mid-range sedan? Foreman: Seriously? What'd you do? House: I'm obviously joking. If Wilson was getting handcuffed on the hood of his car, would I be carrying on a differential? [Wilson’s getting handcuffed on the hood of his car.] Foreman: Diameter is at least eight centimeters. House: [whistles] Is it in the tail or in the head? Foreman: The head. Costello: [at House’s window] You too, sir. Out of the car. House: [ignoring him] We've got a construction site. A steamroller is plowing — Costello: [takes the phone] Out now. [House undoes his seat belt and picks up his cane.] No cane. [House joins Wilson facing the hood of the car. The sheriff pushes him so he’s leaing on the hood and frisks him.] Costello: James Evan Wilson, there's a warrant for your arrest in Louisiana. [He handcuffs House.] [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room.] Kutner: What are the traits of a steamroller? Powerful. Maybe pancreatic cancer. Foreman: Great idea, except the only symptom it matches up with is being steamrollerish. Thirteen: You don't think House is onto something? Foreman: I think he thought he had an idea. I also think his metaphors are tough enough to decipher after he's said them. We need to be focusing on the medicine. Taub: No answer. [He been calling. Now he hangs up the phone.] Foreman: There's not gonna be an answer. They've been arrested. Taub: He was joking. Foreman: He reacted to the size and location. That's what we should be focusing on. Not playing Mad Libs while our patient's exploding noun destroys her life-sustaining noun. Taub: I'll try to get Wilson on the line. Thirteen: What if it's not how a steamroller works, but what it does? Clears things. Foreman: This is a waste of time. [He leaves.] [Cut to the police station. Wilson and House sit side-by-side on a bench. Each of them is handcuffed to an arm of the bench. Mmmbop is playing.] House: I need that phone call. I'm a doctor, and when someone tries to call you three times, it's code for "pick up the damn phone before someone dies." Costello: I'm sure there's other smart doctors. House: You'd be surprised. Wilson: [to House] You told me you'd taken care of this. House: I did. Wilson: First words you ever said to me. House: I took care of it. You must've screwed up somehow. Wilson: [to Costello] Sir? Not to hurry you, but we need to be at a funeral in — Costello: Nobody is going anywhere or taking any phone calls till I hear back from Louisiana. Wilson: It's a really old warrant. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this kind of thing? House: It's suspended when you flee the state. Wilson: I didn't flee the state. I left the state. Because I don't live in the state. And the charges were just so minor… Costello: "Vandalism, destruction of property, asault." Wilson: There is a simple explanation. There was a medical convention in New Orleans… Costello: [standing up to get coffee] You don't need to explain to me. Wilson: I was fresh out of med school. I didn't know anybody at the convention. House: You heard the man, Wilson. You don't have to explain. Wilson: [very angry] I am not gonna sit here wasting time just so you can avoid your father's funeral! [Costello looks at them, interested.] House: He's my father. I have the right to avoid his funeral. Costello: Not if your mother's alive, you don't. [to Wilson] Okay… explain. [Cut to the ER. Foreman is consulting with Chase and Cameron. Chase is stretched out on a stretcher.] Chase: Did House react to the eight centimeters? Foreman: He whistled. It's huge. Anyone would think so. Cameron: House doesn't whistle because he's impressed. It means he wasn't expecting it. It means he changed his mind at that point. Chase: A single super-sized cyst ruled out a diffuse process like scleroderma or lupus. Cameron: Rule out diffuse process, you're stuck with single process affecting just the pancreas. Foreman: Gallstones or pancreatic divisum. Chase: Whatever he asked next would have narrowed that down. Foreman: He asked about location. Chase: Heads it's gallstones, tails it's divisum. Foreman: It's at the head. She's got gallstones. [Foreman turns to leave just as Kutner enters.] Kutner: The steamroller means potholes — Foreman: Relax. We got it. Kutner: You figured out she's got gallstones? [They all look at him, startled.] [Cut to the police station.] Wilson: I was at the hotel bar trying to unwind, have a drink. There was this guy who kept playing Billy Joel’s "Leave a Tender Moment Alone" on the jukebox. Costello: "Leave a Tender Moment" is a good song. House: It's a great song. He was out of line. Costello: Not as good as "Scenes from an Italian restaurant" or Wilson: So I — I asked the man to stop, politely. House: Yeah, you yelled politely. Wilson: I was polite the first couple of times, but courtesy made no impression on this ass. So I threw a bottle into the mirror, which successfully conveyed my message. House: And smashed a ten-foot antique mirror. And set an example to two other patrons who threw sht glasses. Wilson: I had nothing to do with that fight. The asault charge was totally bogus. And I paid for the mirror. Costello: I think I have the picture. I assume you're the guy who was playing the song. House: No, I was the guy who bailed him out. Wilson: That's how we met. I was in jail. Costello: This guy was a total stranger to you, and you bailed him out? House: It was a boring convention. Had to have somebody to drink with. Wilson: And there's the foundation of our entire friendship. If you hadn't been bored one weekend, it wouldn't even exist. House: Hey, there were 3,000 people at that convention. You were the one I thought wasn't boring. That says something. Wilson: It also says something that you lied to me about getting the charges dropped! House: I got a lawyer. He cut a deal. You didn't call the guy? You have to show up at the arraignment. Everybody knows that. Wilson: Everybody with your misdemeanor experience. Costello: [reading a fax] You can go. House: What? He — he's a fugitive from justice. That whole story was lies. He sab a man. Costello: [unlocking the handcuffs] Louisiana doesn't want to pay to get you back. House: Forget Louisiana. He was driving recklessly through your comatose village. Do they put lead in the jelly doughnuts here? Costello: Stop acting like such an ingrate and go pay your respects to your father. [Cut to Nicole’s room.] Chase: The CT confirmed gallstones. Normally not dangerous. Almost everyone has them. But sometimes… Nicole: They kll you? Chase: Yup. Unless I take 'em out. We do it laparoscopically. [He looks down.] Um… how long has her urine been brown? [He holds up the urine collection bag. The urine is almost black.] Taub: Kidney's were fine this afternoon. Chase: They're not now. It's not the gallstones. [Cut to the car. They’re in Lexington. House is on the phone with the team. They’re in the Diagnostics Conference Room.] House: Well, of course it's not gallstones. Who thought it was gallstones? Kutner: You said "steamroller." House: I also said "construction site." Foreman: Gallstones could cause a pancreatic cyst. House: [to Wilson] Will you just turn around. The thing is two hours over already, and that's the third time we passed that colonial with the cross burning out front. Wilson: I'm not lost. House: I'm not talking about what caused the cyst. I'm talking about what the cyst caused. Everything. Foreman: Cysts are symptoms, not diagnoses. House: Unless it's a multiple cyst, with connections to other organs… like a steamroller. Taub: That's a long road down to the kidneys. Foreman: How do we prove it? Won't be visible in a scan. Chase isn't gonna go groping around when she's got kidney failure. Thirteen: Bubbles. House: Is that your new stripper name? Thirteen: Yes. And also, we inject bubbles into the cyst and follow where they drift. If they end up in the other organs, we know you're right, cut it out, she's fine. House: Bubbles is right. Go echo. [He hangs up.] Wilson: I'm not lost. [He points in front of the car. House doesn’t look happy as they pull up to an antebellum mansion with a plaque indicating it’s the Lambert Funeral Home.] [Cut to Nicole’s room. Kutner is about to inject something in her scar but she’s moving too much.] Taub: Nicole, you gotta stay still. Nicole: I'm — I'm nervous. Kutner: You're not nervous. It's the DTS, isn't it? Nicole: I haven't had a drink since I got here. [Cut to the funeral home. Wilson fixes his tie as they walk past clusters of mourners.] Wilson: Good heavens, we haven't missed it after all. It's like the end of a Christmas carol. [Blythe House sees them, sighs in relief and comes over.] Blythe: I'm so glad you're here. Oh, it's a load off of my mind just to see you. [She hugs House.] Thank you, James. House: Mom, how could you delay the funeral? Blythe: Honey, your dad is dad. He's not going to care. Do you know what you're going to say? House: I don't know. Just let the minister or one of his buddies from the corps… Blythe: You're talking. I don't care that you didn't like him. He was your father, and he loved you. The wr is over, Greg. Please do this for me. [to Wilson] Stop looking so worried. I know he's gonna make me proud. Wilson: I'm sure you know him better than I do. [House glares at Wilson who walks off. House follows.] [Cut to Nicole’s room. Her parents are there.] Taub: Her liver's been compromised. And the DTS will cause her muscles to continue to twitch, even under sedation. We need to paralyze her to do this procedure. Nicole: I wanted to stop. Kutner: A phenobarbital coma will not only allow us to inject the cyst, it'll treat the DTS. When she wakes up, she won't be in withdrawal. Bob: We've seen her through withdrawal before. We've seen her through everything. We've been supportive. We've been combative. We've picked her up from bars in the middle of the night. We've let her spend the night in jail. Nicole: I used to say it'd be okay. That I'd get it together. I don't say that anymore. Kutner: Let's make you healthy. Then we'll worry about making you sober. [Cut to John House’s funeral. John is in an open casket, the bottom of which is draped with an American flag. He’s in full dress uniform, including white gloves.] Minister and mourners: The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want… House: [quietly to Wilson] I am not talking We were strangers who shared some geography 30 years ago. Wilson: Right, he had no influence on you at all. The father who was compulsive about punctuality. House: His issue. Which I deliberately made not my issue. Wilson: Thereby making it your issue. Compulsively showing up four hours late, ignoring discipline, ignoring rules. House: [looking around] Oh, God, he's here. Wilson: Who's here? [looks] The one you're pretending is your father? Nice pick. He looks like Sean Connery. So back when you were devising this fantasy, did you tell your father: "Dad, I refuse to recognize your existence because I have chosen James Bond as my dad"? House: I used different words. Wilson: What? Hearing that your own son hates you so much he's replaced you in his mind? That's gotta suck. How did he take it? House: I already told you. He didn't speak to me for a summer. [The opening prayers are over. They sit.] Blythe: [at the podium] It means more to me than — than I can say to have all of you here today. And now, uh, our son Gregory would like to say a few words. [House doesn’t move.] Greg? [House plants his cane and stands up. He and his mother pass as he moves to the podium. He looks around for a moment then starts speaking.] House: There's a lot of people here today. Including some from the corps. And I notice that every one of them is either my father's rank or higher. And that doesn't surprise me. Because, if the test of a man is how he treats those he has power over, it was a test my father failed. [Wilson looks embarrassed. Blythe looks worried.] This man you're eager to pay homage to, he was incapable of admitting any point of view but his own. He punished failure, and he did not accept anything less than — [House catches first his mother’s eye, then Wilson’s. He pauses. When he continues, it’s in a different vein.] House: He loved doing what he did. He saw his work as some kind of… sacred calling. More important than any personal relationship. Maybe if he'd been a better father, I'd be a better son. But I am what I am because of him, for better or for worse. And I just — I just wish — [House ducks he head down. He seems about to cry. He unhooks his cane from the podium and limps to the casket. As he leans down to kiss John, Wilson stares for a second then rises. House kisses John’s forehead, using the opportunity to take a DNA sample from John’s earlobe with the nail clippers he has hidden by a handkerchief in his left hand. As House steps back from the casket, Wilson is there. He puts his hand on House’s shoulder, "comfortingly." They whisper to each other.] Wilson: Put it back. House: Well, he's not gonna miss it. Wilson: I'm done enabling. You can't even let them put him in the ground without making it serve your agenda? [The mourners seem a little restless.] House: You really want to do this in front of everybody? You wanna punish me or them? [Wilson pats House’s shoulder and leaves, waving to Blythe as he goes. House follows him.] [Cut to a room laid out for a wake, complete with food, alcohol and a body.] Wilson: How can I still feel surprise? You would take, even this, a moment of real human grief, and turn it into a farce. House: Oh, cut the crap. You enjoy what I do. I never had to force you. You like coming along for the ride. Wilson: Yes, that's why I'm cheering you on now. House: This is about you needing to be prepared for the worst. So you become an oncologist. No surprises there. Worst happens all the time. But Amber, she was young and healthy. Her death came out of nowhere. Wilson: Don't bring Amber into this. House: And you weren't ready. That makes you angry. The world sucks, and you didn't have time to brace yourself. Wilson: What happened out there is your show! House: You're scared to death of losing anyone that matters. So you dump the person who matters the most to you! Wilson: I'm not scared to death. I'm moving forward! House: Because no one can take away from you what you no longer have. Wilson: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Your father's death is about you. Amber's death is about you. I can't imagine why someone wouldn't want to be your friend! House: Admit it, you're angry and you're scared of losing me. Wilson: I'm not angry, I'm not scared. House: Admit it. Wilson: I'm not afraid. House: Admit it. Wilson: I've lost people. It happens. House: Admit it. Admit it! Wilson: What are you, five? Stop repeating — House: Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Come on, admit it. Admit it! [With a cry, Wilson picks up a liquor bottle and flings it — through a stained glass window. They both stare.] House: Still not boring. [Cut to a diner. Wilson and House are in a booth.] Wilson: Did you know I was gonna do that? Because I didn't know I was gonna do that. House: I know you have trouble losing people. In New Orleans, I saw you carrying this express package around the conference. And you wouldn't let it go, but you wouldn't open it. So I peeked at the return address. Wilson: Diamond, Fairbairn. House: Divorce attorneys. Your first wife had just served you with papers. Wilson: Did you know that when you bailed me out? Were you… doing something nice for me? House: What did I say about being boring? [He picks up his phone and starts dialing.] Wilson: We owe your mom an apology. [Cut to Diagnostics. Foreman answers on the first ring.] Foreman: Hello? It's House. [turns on speakerphone] House: How'd the bubble test go? Taub: The problem wasn't the cyst. It's advanced dilated cardiomyopathy. Foreman: We did a three-dimensional echo. Showed a mass in the left atrium. Kutner: Looks like an atrial myxoma, but the ultrasound images are a little grainy, so it's hard to tell. [House is thinking] Thirteen: House? House: The images aren't grainy. Taub: They sure look grainy. House: I've seen pictures of you where you look tall. It's iron overload. Creates speckles on the image, makes it look grainy. Also makes her pancreas fail, her blood clot, and her intestine — Kutner: Atrial myxoma is more likely. House: MRI for a better view. And call me back and tell me you're embarrassed because my eyesight is better 500 miles away. I need a phone number. [Cut to China. The phone rings. Fang Dong Wen answers.] House: I'm a doctor in New Jersey, treating one of your clients. A young woman looking for her biological parents. Wilson: You know, you could just wait for the MRI to have your curiosity satisfied. House: What person who is nothing like me are you saying that to? House: Did the parents look tan? The disease she has is genetic, which means they should have it too. Fang Dong Wen: They don't look more tan than anyone else. House: Discolored teeth? Fang Dong Wen: They're farmers — the village doesn't even have a dentist. House: Right. Thanks. Fang Dong Wen: But if it matters, I'm not convinced they were her parents. House: Why not? Fang Dong Wen: Because they said they have no daughter. The man was adamant, and the woman seemed confused and frightened. House: Thank you. [He hangs up and turns to Wilson.] Differential. Say you're a middle-aged Chinese woman… Wilson: Fine. House: Say it. Wilson: I'm a middle-aged Chinese woman. House: Girl comes to you, says that she's your long-lost daughter. Why would you be frightened? Wilson: I'm frightened because she's a thrat? Maybe she knows something? House: She hasn't seen you since she was an infant. Wilson: Maybe an inheritance issue. House: They're peasants. Wilson: Her very presence is a thrat. She — what year was she born? House: '83. Wilson: She's not supposed to be alive. China introduced the one-child policy in 1979. Say they didn't want a girl. They tried to kll her. House: Maybe the baby doesn't die. Maybe the father panics or regrets it. Takes the baby to an orphanage. Maybe he doesn't tell his wife. Wilson: Who freaks out like she's seen a ghost 25 years later when the girl shows up. House: Why does attempted mrder from 25 years ago suddenly become relevant to her health now? Wilson: Maybe they gave her something toxic. It would have to be fat soluble. House: This is fun, isn't it? [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House enters.] House: Let me see the MRI. Kutner: We don't have one. Taub: She started vomiting as soon as we started the scan. House: Then let her vomit through the MRI. That's what nurses are for. [Taub takes the file and leaves.] Her parents tried to kll her. I don't know how, but I know it caused her to get sick 25 years later trying to lift a Buddha. Explain. I already had this conversation with Wilson — just go with it. Foreman: Poison? House: Buddha wouldn't make it worse. Thirteen: Maybe the weight stressed her back, which — House: Makes sense if she's never lifted anything in her life. Kutner: She actually didn't get sick till she tried lifting it that second time. I'm guessing the weight changed. House: [epiphany] Anybody have Taub’s pager number? Thirteen: What's up? House: Maybe give him a call. If he tosses that switch on the MRI, she's dad. X-ray her brain. [Cut to radiology. The team is looking at the x-ray on the light table. It has white streaks on it.] House: Pins. Push them through the soft fontanelle of an infant, you skewer the brain, and the hair hides the entry wounds. It's the perfect crime. Foreman: She's had them in her all these years. Thirteen: What changed at the temple? House: Same thing that changed in the MRI. Shockingly, not all religious leaders are honest. I'm guessing these particular monks are bilking the faithful by pushing a magnet up Buddha’s butt. There's another one under the table that'll repel or attract, depending on how you shift them. When she picked up that magnet, it moved one of the pins deeper into the sympathetic nervous center of her brain. This sent a signal through the nerves to the blood vessels in her small intestine, which caused the symptoms in China and in the giant magnet we call an MRI. She's lucky. We're all screwed up by our parents. She's got documentation. [Cut to Nicole’s room. She’s in the pheno coma. Kuter is talking to her parents.] Kutner: The pins will be removed surgically, and she'll be fine. We'll wake her from the coma after the operation. Bob: Is there any way you could not tell her? Janice: Please. She's fragile. She desperately wanted to know her biological parents. For her to find out that they wanted her dad… I don't know what that'll do to her. Kutner: She may not be as fragile as you think. Janice: We know our daughter. Kutner: [shows them the x-ray] See this pin here? It's been pressing directly on her addiction center. It's not her fault. And it's definitely not your fault. She's not who you think she is. [Cut to House’s office. It’s night. Wilson opens the door then knocks quietly.] Wilson: I hear your patient's gonna be all right. House: Is that why you're here? A colleague checking up on a patient? [He takes a sip from the glass of bourbon on his desk.] Wilson: Something goin' on? House: I'm celebrating. [He hands Wilson a sheet of paper from his desk. Wilson looks at it, then back at House.] My mom hated him too. Wilson: Your DNA test showed no match? That's incredible. At the age of 12, you actually figured out your father wasn't your birth father? That's what you wanted, wasn't it? Why should it depress you? House: It doesn't depress me. Doesn't make any difference at all. That's what depresses me. Wilson: Well, I guess nobody gets to choose who their parents are. I'm not even sure anymore if we get to choose who our friends are. [pause] I spoke with Cuddy. She hasn't filled my position yet. House: If you're coming back just because you're attracted to the shine of my neediness… [Wilson smiles slightly] I'd be okay with that. Wilson: I'm coming back because you're right. That strange, annoying trip we just took was the most fun I've had since Amber died. House: You hungry? [Wilson nods. House gets up and they head for the door. House stops.] Wilson. Wilson: Yeah? House: My dad's dad. Wilson: Yeah. My sympathies. [They leave together.] [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x04 - Birthmarks"}	foreverdreaming
The Kills is playing. Two women can be seen in the background. They appear to be making out. Scene shifts to an extreme close-up the women. They are kissing and undressing each other. Sixteen seconds into the scene it is revealed that Thirteen is one of the women] [Cut to sometime in the immediate future. Thirteen and the other woman are now lying in Thirteen’s bed. They are naked, but discreetly covered with the sheet] Spencer: Wow. Thirteen: Yeah. [Thirteen gets out of bed, puts on a long white button-down shirt and goes into the bathroom where she stands in front of the mirror] Spencer: Come back to bed. Thirteen: Gimme a minute. Spencer: You get 20 seconds. [Thirteen turns on the water in the sink and again looks at herself in the mirror] [A crash is heard in the bedroom and the scene shifts to show Spencer falling out of the bed, knocking a lamp over in the process. She is having a seizure] Thirteen: Hey, what are you— [Thirteen turns and realizing what is happening, rushes toward Spencer who is now seizing violently on the floor. Thirteen calls 911] [Cut to outside the ER at PPTH. Spencer is being wheeled into the ER by the EMTs. Thirteen is with her and Cameron is talking to Thirteen and one of the EMTs] EMT: Female, late 20s, tonic clonic seizure. Cameron: Duration of the seizure? Thirteen: A little over three minutes. Cameron: Does your friend have a history of epilepsy? Thirteen: She never said. Cameron: (to Spencer) My name is Dr. Cameron. You're in a hospital. We’re gonna take care of you. (to Thirteen) What’s her name? Thirteen: I don't know. OPENING CREDITS [Scene opens in House’s office. House is peering expectantly out the window toward Wilson’s office window. Cameron walks in] Cameron: House. House: (putting up a finger to stop her) Eh. Cameron: (walking toward him) I have a case I think you might be interested in. House: (turning quickly and heading out of his office) Not now. [Cameron looks out the window trying to figure out what House was looking at, then turns and runs after him] Cameron: A 26-year-old woman had a tonic clonic seizure. House: What about me speeding away says to you "let's chat"? Cameron: History of fatigue, and two years ago she had a retinal vein occlusion. [They are now in the hallway outside Wilson’s office] House: She’s diabetic. Cameron: No, she's not. And she has no history of hypertension. (She holds out the file to House, which he ignores) House: (approaching Wilson’s office) It can wait. [He looks at Wilson’s office door and then back at Cameron] House: I knew I should've set up a video camera. Stay there. [Cut to House entering Wilson’s office grinning gleefully] House: Oh, my goodness. I played a practical joke on my best friend, and he's badly injured. [House closes the office door, then pulls something out of his pocket and tosses what looks like a chair caster to Wilson, who is lying on the floor] House: I wish I had learned this valuable lesson earlier. I was waiting by my window for an hour. Why are you late? Wilson: I had a breakfast meeting at Mickey’s Diner with the Mercy people to tell them… (Wilson sees a donut on a plate and a carton of milk behind the bookshelf) I’m coming back to work here. (He pulls the plate and the milk toward himself) Sorry if it interfered with your plan to maim me. (pause) Donut’s a nice touch. (He takes a bite of the donut) [House gestures to Wilson as if expecting a different reaction. Wilson just lays on the floor eating the donut] House: (turning and opening the door to leave) It’s just a way of saying "welcome back." (House leaves. Cameron is still waiting in the hallway) Cameron: The seizure could be the result of dehydration or something neurological. (She holds out the file again which House takes this time) House: (looking at the file) Or the ecstasy you found in her system. Cameron: According to Dr. Hadley, the patient took the drugs about five hours before the seizure, so… House: (obviously curious) What does Thirteen know about it? Cameron: Uh, apparently she was with the patient last night. House: (looking at the file again) At 3:00 AM? (Cameron shrugs) House: (lecherously) Oh, yeah! Penthouse forum meets medical mystery. Maybe there is a God. (He heads back to his office) [Cut to the conference room. The entire team is present] House: Empty transient sex? (to Thirteen) I’ve been waiting for you to spiral out of control, ever since you got your Huntington’s diagnosis, but this is more than I dared hope for. Thirteen: Patient’s seizure resulted from dehydration, which resulted from a cocktail of alcohol and ecstasy. Mystery solved. [Foreman is standing against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest] Foreman: (to Thirteen) Wait. Were you doing drugs? Thirteen: Not diagnostically relevant. House: Depends what we're trying to diagnose. It’s how steep of a spiral you're on. Taub: Our patient hemorrhaged into her eye two years ago. Thirteen: Also not diagnostically relevant. Retinal vein occlusion was fixed. Her doctor said it was a venous anomaly. House: Is he in this room? Because if he's not, I don't care what he thinks. Unless he's a she and she was there last night too, in which case I care very deeply. Foreman: What if the eye problem wasn't with her vein, but with her blood? Would explain why she seized, why she's always tired. Thirteen: She parties till 3:00 AM. That’s why she's always tired. House: Yet you seem fine. Thirteen: (defensively) She’s visited four other doctors in the past year. None of them found anything. She’s a hypochondriac who drank too much. Kutner: Blood clots could explain everything. Taub: Makes sense. Bone marrow’s in overdrive. Too many platelets. (to Thirteen) Sorry. House: Thirteen, go stick a needle in your girlfriend's pelvis. And no, that one wasn't a metaphor. Suck out some marrow. That one was. [Thirteen gets up to leave, House follows her. She pauses and looks back, wondering why he is following her] House: I like to watch. (He follows her out the door) [Cut to Thirteen preparing to draw some bone marrow from Spencer. House is watching] Thirteen: I can handle this alone. House: You’ve already handled it. That’s why you need a chaperone. Of course, I’m a very permissive, understanding chaperone. So feel free to ignore me. House: You know, if you're in the mood to start kissing, or groping, or showering. Thirteen: (to Spencer) You’ll have to excuse Dr. House. He mistakes immaturity for edginess. Spencer: You’re Dr. House? House: I assume my name came up last night in the form of a moan. You had sex, then a seizure. Could be a particular position or activity that set it off. (to Thirteen) That sounds like a valid medical theory, doesn't it? Thirteen: I’m really sorry. Just ignore him. Spencer: Whatever you think we did, we — we did. And then some. House: Lights on or off? [Thirteen looks uncomfortable] Thirteen: Do you have a medical rationalization for that one? House: Light sensitivity. Spencer: On. House: Figured she had more shame than that. Did she talk dirty, or did you rely on vague hand signals? (House is writing something on a clipboard) Spencer: She’s, uh, pretty direct about what she wants. House: I’m learning so much. [Thirteen is just about ready to insert the biopsy needle] House: Okay, score the score. Scale of one to ten. Thirteen: (as she inserts the needle) Don’t answer. Spencer: (wincing from the pain) Seven. House: (holding up a piece of paper with a large number 7 written on it) Finally got one right. (Thirteen looks thoroughly disgusted) [Cut to House and Lucas talking in the hospital cafeteria. Lucas is eating, House is not] Lucas: You want to investigate him because he ate a donut? House: He claimed he had a morning meeting at Mickey’s Diner. Wilson loves Mickey’s Diner. He has the French toast tower whenever he sets foot in the door. There’s no way he would've come to work wanting more carbs. He lied to me. I need to know why. Lucas: What do you think you'll find out? House: I’m worried that he might be, a spy. Lucas: He’s been gone four months. You're worried the friendship has changed. House: I’m just not sure if he's working for Hirohito or the New England Patriots. Lucas: You played a practical joke on him. He didn't laugh. House: I need something to lord over him, a lie — Lucas: He didn't try to retaliate. He moralized. House: He always moralized. Lucas: He always moralized and got even. He hasn't fired back. House: Things always change. Lucas: And that sucks. House: Yeah. Find out where he was. (House gets up and leaves) [Cut to Spencer’s hospital room] Thirteen: (to Spencer, accusingly) Should’ve known it wasn't a coincidence. (Throwing some letters down on the bed table) Found your letters. You recognized House's name. And you're the first patient I’ve seen who actually enjoyed being accosted by him. (She folds her arms across her chest) Spencer: I would've told you, but — Thirteen: What exactly would you have told me? That you slept with me to get to House? That you've been trying to get him to take your case for over a year? Spencer: I’m sick. No one even wrote back. Thirteen: You used me. Spencer: You used me. Thirteen: My motives were clear. Spencer: You might've figured out my motives faster if you bothered to ask my name. (pause) I followed you to that bar because I wanted to talk to you. See if you'd help me get to House. I didn't expect you to be so aggressive. Thirteen: Was that seizure even real? Spencer: Why would I fake a symptom? It would just make it harder for House to diagnose me. Thirteen: There’s nothing to diagnose. Your biopsy results are negative. [She turns and pulls Spencer’s clothes out of a drawer] Spencer: Then it's something else. Thirteen: Get dressed. (She throws Spencer’s clothes on the bed) I’m discharging you. Spencer: House admitted me. He obviously thinks — Thirteen: House is using you as an excuse to stick his nose in my personal life. Spencer: I’m tired all the time. Some nights I fall asleep at 10:00 and wake up at noon, still tired. Every doctor I see tells me there's nothing wrong. Thirteen: And that proves what, exactly? That they're wrong, or that you're wrong? [Spencer starts wheezing] Thirteen: Oh, come on. You expect me to believe — (She rushes to Spencer) Sit back. Deep breaths. Try and relax. Thirteen: (to the nurse who just ran into the room) Get the paddles. She’s gonna crash. Damn. [Cut briefly to Spencer in her hospital bed and then to the conference room. House and the team are running a new differential. It is nearing the end of the day] Thirteen: We had to use paddles to sab the patient's heart. House: Eye issue, brain issue, now a heart issue. Sounds like a real case to me. Thirteen: Yeah, I get it. I was wrong. Can we move on? House: You’re just upset… Because the whole time she was with you, she was thinking of my huge, throbbing… Diagnostic skills. Drugs would explain everything. Taub: This morning, you rejected drugs. House: That’s when I thought that Thirteen was right and was just jerking her around. Cardiac arrest means she could be a serious user. Thirteen: Great. Foreman: What? Thirteen: That means that something she did at my place set this off. Either she brought drugs in, or she grabbed something from my medicine cabinet. And that means my place needs to be searched. Now, I’d be happy to do that myself, but unfortunately that would be far less titillating for House, so he's about to come up with some convoluted medical reason why I have to stay here while he goes through my stuff. House: Patient’s dad had bypass surgery. Means she's a candidate for atherosclerosis. She needs an ultrasound. That was much less convoluted than what you just said. Thirteen: I’m not giving you my keys. If you want to do this, I’m going. House: Who could pick a lock? Foreman: I’ll go. Make sure he doesn't steal any underwear. [Cut to a sht of Foreman trying to pick the lock on Thirteen’s apartment door] House: You’re a disgrace to your stereotype. Move over. Foreman: Think you can pick a lock faster than me? House: No need to pick. (House shows Foreman a key and uses it to unlock the door) Foreman: Nice. Steal from your employees. House: Never. I had my dick make keys when I hired him to dick up the team. [They enter the apartment and look around] House: Always imagined she'd have a sex swing in the living room. Foreman: Give me my key. House: Don’t have your key. Foreman: You expect me to believe that you hired Lucas to investigate everyone except for me? House: Waste of money. Foreman: I already know everything about you. House: (pointing with his cane) Thirteen had her purse. That’s gotta be the patient's. Check it for drugs. I call gn on the bedroom. [Foreman starts toward the purse and House heads to the bedroom] Foreman: You know that I stole a car when I was a teenager. You know that my mom has Alzheimer’s. You know nothing else. (Foreman has put on latex gloves and is searching the purse) House: Want me to have you investigated? When did you get so needy? Foreman: Not needy. Just don't buy it. You always want more information about people. Look where we are. [House is in the bedroom now. He puts his hand on his heart and looks at the unmade bed with envy] Foreman: Purse is clean. [House hooks a sweater with his cane while Foreman looks in the refrigerator] [House is now sitting on the bed. He opens the nightstand drawer and peers inside] House: Last night wasn't the first time that Thirteen brought home some strange. Foreman: You found her diary — House: No toys. You sleep with the same person over and over, that's when you need accessories. First time is plenty exciting on its own. (He takes something from the drawer) Unless… [Foreman is done searching the kitchen and has now joined House in the bedroom] House: You think an asthma inhaler could be used as a sex toy? (He gets up of the bed and gives the inhaler a squirt) Foreman: There are ways of getting to know people without committing felonies. House: People interest me. Conversations don't. Foreman: Because conversations go both ways. House & Foreman together: (both are smiling) Like Thirteen. [Cut to a sht from under the glass table in the conference room. House puts a small speciman container in front of Thirteen] House: (to Thirteen) Brown recluse. Found it at your apartment. Their venom can cause seizures and heart problems. Unless the ultrasound showed anything — [The camera has panned up to show that the rest of the team is gathered around the table. House and Foreman are standing] Thirteen: No. What room did you find it in? House: Bathroom. Nice bidet, by the way. Very refreshing. Thirteen: I don't have a bidet. House: Oh. Spider’s not the only interesting thing I found. (He pulls the inhaler out of his jacket pocket) [The team looks expectantly to House wondering what he found] Thirteen: Yeah, my inhaler is fascinating. It’s got its own extensive online following. Taub: You have asthma? Thirteen: When I was a kid. It started acting up again when I moved into my new place. Kutner: You moved? Thirteen: Who cares? House: He doesn't. He’s just surprised he didn't know. You withhold things other people would never bother to. The move, a little wheeze, whatever you thought was in my pocket instead of your inhaler. Maybe I should make a return trip to your place. Kutner: Spider bite doesn't explain anything unless the patient was actually bitten by a spider. (He stands up) I’ll do the exam. House: Don’t be ridiculous. That would be inappropriate. It’d be better if a woman gropes her. There’s no sexual tension that way. (Thirteen stands to go do the exam) [Cut to Spencer’s hospital room. Thirteen is closing the blinds] Thirteen: I need you to stand up and take off your gown. [Spencer gets out of bed] Spencer: I think I would've felt a spider biting me. Thirteen: Not necessarily. [Thirteen put on latex gloves while Spencer takes off her hospital gown] Spencer: (talking about the gloves) You really need those after everything we did the other night? Thirteen: The other night I wasn't your doctor. (She lifts Spencer’s arm and starts looking for a spider bite) Spencer: How long are you gonna stay mad at me? Thirteen: How long are you going to be here? Spencer: Oh. Okay, then. Thirteen: (while continuing the exam) Look… I really had no intention of ever seeing you again. Spencer: So… Having me end up here is a little less than ideal. I get it. But… We just met. How’d you know you didn't want to see me again? Thirteen: It’s nothing personal. I’m just really not that into repeat performances. Spencer: I figured I wasn't the first girl you cruised. Thirteen: Why is that? Spencer: You’re awfully good at it. Thirteen: You’d think with all that experience that I’d be better than a seven. (She examines Spencer’s shoulders, than moves her hair aside to look at her neck) Spencer: We just met. We were both drunk. Not like there wasn't potential. (pause) Little more practice for the both of us, I’d say we're looking at a nine. Easy. (She looks back at Thirteen, they are very close) But that would require a repeat performance. (Spencer moves in close, intending to kiss Thirteen) You didn't have to move your hand. Thirteen: I didn't. My hand's on your hip. You don't feel that? (The mood has been broken) Spencer: No. What does that mean? Thirteen: It means it's not a spider bite. [Cut to the corridor outside House’s office. House has just left when Thirteen catches up to him. House is wearing his leather jacket. They talk while walking down the corridor] Thirteen: Blood test confirms low potassium levels. Explains the numbness in her hip. It’s not good, but I think we've got time for at least one or two comments about my personal life. House: Which you just wasted with that comment about my comments. Low potassium means her heart problem was a symptom of a kidney problem. What caused the kidney problem? Thirteen: Could be IgA nephropathy. House: Not without blood in the urine. Thirteen: PSAGN? House: Not with normal blood pressure. Thirteen: Renal tubular acidosis. Her kidney's don't filter acid out of the blood. Excess acid drives down potassium, causes kidney calcifications. [They stop walking] House: If it's RTA, all she needs is sodium bicarbonate for the acid and surgery to remove the calcifications. CT her kidneys. If you find calcifications, we have our diagnosis. (House continues on down the corridor, Thirteen heads back to Spencer’s room) [Cut to a sht of Lucas looking through a pair of binoculars] House: What’s he doing now? [Short sht of Wilson’s apartment window and then to a sht of Lucas’ car. He and House sitting in the car watching Wilson through the window of his apartment] Lucas: He’s playing that carjacking video game. He’d get a lot farther if he didn't stop at all the red lights. [The scene changes to Lucas and House inside the car] House: Maybe he was doing something he thinks I’ll mock him for. Lucas: Like… House: Just about anything. Lucas: You don't think it's that. House: I don't think it's just about anything? Lucas: You don't think it's about anything trivial. If you weren't worried, you wouldn't be sitting in my car. House: Maybe he's seeing a shrink. Lucas; That does not look like a pizza delivery. (A woman is walking up the front steps of the apartment building) House: Doesn’t matter if it isn't. Wilson doesn't buy his “pizza.” There’s eight units in this building. There’s got to be a pervert like me living in at least one of them. Lucas: Yes, because you represent one out of every eight people living in this country. (The scene shifts to show Wilson moving toward his front door. The woman is standing at the front door of the building) Apparently he has developed a taste for pizza. (The door of the building opens and the woman goes in) Lucas: Ah, things change. [Cut to an OR where Taub and Chase are removing calcifications from Spencer’s kidneys] Taub: CT shows one more calcification near the superior pyramid on the left kidney. Chase: See it. [The camera pans up to the OR observation room. Thirteen is there. Foreman walks in. They stand side-by-side, not looking at one another] Foreman: That, um, thing, you were hoping House didn't find at your place. I, uh, I found it. (He pulls a folded piece of paper from his pocket and hands it to Thirteen who puts it in her lab coat pocket) Foreman: You did the CAG test two weeks ago. A number this high means you have less time than you thought. It’s understandable you'd be upset. Doesn’t mean you have to self-destruct. Thirteen: It’s not noble for you to protect me from House if you're just gonna judge — Foreman: There are things you should be doing. Working out, improving balance and coordination. Thirteen: Yeah, that sounds like a blast. I’m having fun. Cramming as much life into my life as I can. Foreman: You’re doing drugs. (They now turn to face one another) Staying up all night, having sex with strangers. Thirteen: It sounds fun to me. Good night. (She leaves) [Cut back to the OR where Chase and Taub are finishing up] Chase: Close the incisions. Taub: She won't even have a scar. [A machine starts beeping] Chase: Her 02 stats are dropping. Taub: Did you nick something? Chase: Procedure was clean. BP's strong. Taub: Well, she's not breathing. We need to intubate. (Taub pulls the oxygen mask off of Spencer’s face and prepares to insert the endotracheal tube) [Cut to the conference room, where House, Taub, Kutner, and Foreman are viewing a scan of Spencer’s lungs] Taub: The breathing problem started after we fixed her kidney problem. Means the RTA isn't the underlying cause. House: Where’s Thirteen? Foreman: Traffic’s bad. She’s probably just — House: Not here. Taub: It’s not her lungs. No masses, no infiltrates. House: Her lungs are working, but she still can't breathe. Kutner: Distribution plant can't distribute if it's not getting deliveries. If her lungs are fine, maybe the problem's in the supply line. Airway collapse. Taub: That could signal autoimmune or some kind of dystrophy as the underlying cause. House: There’s only one way to find out if her airway failed. Make it happen again. Stick Thirteen's carpet cleaner on a treadmill. Methacholine challenge. And someone find the carpet. (The team leaves) [Cut to an exam room. Thirteen is lying on an exam table with an IV in her arm. There is a knock on the door] Thirteen: Exam going on. 15 minutes. [Cuddy enters. Thirteen sits up quickly looking guilty] Cuddy: Good morning, Dr. Hadley. [Cut to House just getting into an elevator. Foreman comes up and prevents the door from closing, but he does not get in the elevator] Foreman: Just spoke to my brother. House: And by brother, you mean? Foreman: I mean my parents' other son. House: Wow. Same dad. Foreman: Got a call last week from your PI. You lied. You did have me investigated. You’ve been taunting the team with what you've learned, but you never came after me. (grinning) Means you couldn't find anything. House: You’re right. [Foreman smiles satisfactorily and turns to leave. The elevator door starts to close but House stops it with his cane causing Foreman to turn back toward House] House: That’s because you haven't done anything stupid, spontaneous, or even vaguely interesting since you were 17. And that's just sad. (The elevator door closes) [Cut to Cuddy’s office where she has brought Thirteen. House enters] Cuddy: (to House) I found her in the clinic giving herself IV fluids. House: At least you could've let her finish. She looks terrible. Cuddy: She has a fresh nightclub stamp on her wrist. She’s in no condition to practice. House: Unless this is a prelude to an actual spanking, there's no reason for me to be — Cuddy: I want her to take a drug test. Thirteen: You can't make me do that. Cuddy: But I can suspend you until you do. House: (to Cuddy) Because she went to a nightclub in her free time? Or because she had sex in her free time? Patient was undergoing routine surgery for RTA. Didn’t need Thirteen here for that. And I don't need you making my employees punch a clock or pee in a cup. (to Thirteen, nodding his head toward the door.) Let’s go. (Thirteen hesitates) House: (opening the door) Come on. (Cuddy looks stunned) [Thirteen gets up and follows him out] Thirteen: (as they walk into the clinic area) Thank you. House: By the way, (they stop) the surgery was not routine, patient stopped breathing and you missed a differential. You’re fired. Thirteen: What? You just defended me. House: No, I just prevented you from getting a drug test. Probably saved your career. I’m already taking responsibility for one doctor with a drug habit. (He pops a Vicodin) Thirteen: I don't have a drug habit. House: The slutty party girl is fun till she pukes on your shoes. Then she's just a pain in the ass. (He leaves Thirteen looking confused) [Cut to House entering Wilson’s office, without knocking. He closes the door and sits down on the couch] House: I haven't sat on this couch for four months. It remembers my cheeks. I miss this. Wilson: Me too. Me trying to work. You interrupting. House: Oh, come on. Your patients can wait five minutes. Get me caught up. Come on, what did you do? Travel? Did you get a new hobby? Did you meet someone? Wilson: Actually, yes. I sort of, started, dating someone. House: Great. What does she do? Is she… an actress? Wilson: No. Why would you think that? House: I just figured you'd want something a little more… Exciting… Wilson: She’s not… You’re gonna find out anyway because you're gonna meet her. She’s… a prosttute. Used to be. She made some mistakes. Single mom, had some drug issues. But… she's so smart. She wants to go to law school. And… I told her I’d help her with tuition. House: How long have you known her? Wilson: I knew you'd be like this. House: I asked a question. Wilson: House… You are a drug addict. You go to prosttute. You can't be judgmental. House: And yet. Wilson: Please, don't do this to me. I was hurting, and I wanted to feel good. I didn't expect it… to go this way. I… Amber… Said that she wanted me to move on. That she wanted me to… Be happy. And — Debbie, makes me happy. House: If you're happy, I’m… (He gets up suddenly and disappears out the door, leaving Wilson looking puzzled) [Cut to the Radiology viewing room. Thirteen is looking at scans. Foreman enters] Foreman: I heard. Thirteen: Yeah. I’m looking for my ticket back. Foreman: Sorry if I upset you. I didn't want to invde your privacy. Thirteen: It wasn't your fault. Can you get me caught up? Foreman: Think you're gonna find something we didn't? Thirteen: It’s good for the patient. Good for me. Foreman: Films are clean. We ruled out hypertension. Guys have her on a treadmill running a methacholine challenge. And I still think you've been acting like an idiot. Thirteen: I know. Did you talk about whether this lung field looks a little dark? Foreman: It’s probably just over-exposed. Thirteen: Or her diaphragm's a little flat. Could be a sign of hyperinflation. Foreman: Suggests a pulmonary obstruction. Thirteen: Lung cysts. They wouldn't show up on an X-ray. Treadmill test isn't gonna close her airway. It’ll make her lungs explode. [Thirteen rushes out of the room as machines start beeping] [Cut to Taub and Kutner trying to deal with an unconscious Spencer] Kutner: Her throat's fine. We made her airway collapse, but it's not collapsed. [Thirteen rushes into the room] Thirteen: You ruptured a cyst! Her lung collapsed. (She quickly pulls something out of a cabinet) Taub: Breath sounds on both sides. Thirteen: Move. Trachea’s deviating to the left. [Thirteen sab a syringe into Spencer’s lung to inflate it. Spencer coughs] Foreman: (who followed Thirteen) Nice. [Cut to a close-up of House, then the camera pulls back to reveal the team congregated around House’s desk] Kutner: Chest CT confirmed multiple lung cysts, one of which burst during the treadmill test. Foreman: Luckily, Thirteen figured out the problem and was there to re-inflate her lung. Thirteen: Lung cysts plus all her other symptoms could be amyloidosis, which we can manage. Or pulmonary fibrosis which — House: Thank you. My employees can take care of it from here. (He sits down behind his desk) We need to biopsy the cysts. Thirteen: You fired me because I screwed up. I just proved I can pull my weight. House: All you proved is you know how to make an entrance. Foreman: House, she deserves another sht. She found the cysts, saved the patient. House: Who wouldn't have needed saving if Thirteen had shown up at the differential in the first place. Taub: Give her her job back, House. House: Or what? You’re gonna quit? Go do the biopsy. (Taub and Kutner leave) Foreman: (to Thirteen) I’m sorry. (He follows Taub and Kutner, leaving Thirteen standing alone in front of House) House: How much clearer do I need to make this? (Thirteen looks at House and then, clearly upset, turns and walks out of his office) [Cut to House and Lucas sitting on a bench outside PPTH] Lucas: What does that even mean, "dating a hooker"? House: He’s an idiot with a messiah complex. Savior to all who need saving. That’s why his first wife had a wooden leg. Second wife was Canadian. He’s the one who needs to be saved. Lucas: From you or the ho? House: The ho's just using him for his money. Wait. Bad example. Lucas: Normally in these situations, I’d follow the girl, find out something embarrassing about her to show him. But since that's our starting position… House: Proceed directly to the leg-breaking. Lucas: I’m not breaking her legs. She probably has a pimp. Or, at least, an older brother. Or a younger brother. Or overprotective sister. House: Find her, find her family, find client number nine. Just get me something I can use to force her to back off. Taub: (approaching the bench) Sorry to interrupt your meeting, Mannix. Here’s the result from the lung biopsy. [He hands the file to House who opens and reads it. From the looks on both House’s and Taub’s faces, the test results appear to have given them the answer] [Cut to the doctor’s locker room. Thirteen is cleaning out her locker. House comes in carrying Spencer’s file] House: Why not men? You’re bisexual. If you were just being self-destructive, you'd be having random sex with men. Better chance of getting asault, catching a disease. If this were just about getting laid, it'd be a lot easier to pick up men. Or ugly girls. This woman's hot. Which means you like the challenge, the conquest. It’s the control that gets you off. And controlling women is as close as you can get to controlling what's gonna happen to you. Thirteen: Here I thought I was just into boobs. House: Instead of getting sweaty with a stranger, why don't you try taking it to the next level? Play God. (he hands Thirteen the file) Tell a girl that she's got ten years to live. She has LAM. (Thirteen looks down at the file) Thirteen: (closing the file and looking up at House) Okay. House: This is not a test. You’re not getting your job back if you can — Thirteen: I know what it's like to get this news, and no one should have to get it from you. (House leaves) [Cut to Thirteen entering Spencer’s hospital room. Spencer, who is reading, puts down her book] Spencer: Hey. Thirteen: The biopsy of your lung cyst showed smooth muscle cells. That’s indicative of a disease called LAM. Spencer: What do you do for that? Thirteen: Surgery to remove the cysts. But… They’ll come back. Little by little, the cysts replace healthy lung tissue until your lungs stop working. [Spencer looks up at Thirteen, her eyes asking if what Thirteen is saying means what she thinks it means. Thirteen does not deny it] Spencer: I’m gonna die. Thirteen: Yes. I’m so sorry. [Cut to audio of Thirteen talking to Spencer while the visual scene is of Spencer’s surgery, then to Spencer’s hospital room after the surgery. Thirteen is sitting in a chair pulled close to the bed] Thirteen: They removed all the cysts they could. That should help you breathe better. Spencer: How long until the cysts come back? Thirteen: We don't know exactly. I’m sorry. Spencer: Stop saying you're sorry. Thirteen: I know you're scared. Spencer: I don't know what I feel. Thirteen: You’re gonna be numb for a few more days. Then you'll go home and cry for a few weeks. And then you get angry. Start telling yourself nothing matters anymore. You start doing stupid things. Maybe you go out to bars and pick up a bunch of women. Spencer: You’re… (Thirteen nods) How long do you have? Thirteen: Maybe a little more than you. Maybe a little less. I’ll race you. (She gets up to leave) Thirteen: I was thinking maybe I’d come back later. Spencer: Sounds good. [Thirteen smiles and than pauses as she notices some blood leaking through the bandages on Spencer’s chest] Spencer: Oh, God. What’s going on? [Cut to the conference room. House is looking out the window, and the rest of the team is also present] Thirteen: All her blood counts are down. It’s a new symptom. Aplastic anemia. House: Does the word "fired" have some whole other definition that I’m not aware of? (He turns to face Thirteen) Thirteen: I don't work for you. Fine. Don’t pay me. Just let me finish out this case. House: So you like her now that she's dying. What happens if she stops dying? Foreman: There’s no danger of that right now. If we don't figure out what's wrong with her, she's got days, not years. Taub: Aplastic anemia takes LAM off the table. Unfortunately, none of our other choices are any better. PNH with some sort of respiratory infection. Thirteen: Best case gives her 12 years. Kutner: Or fast-moving Langerhans. Thirteen: A few months. Foreman: Or mastocytosis, which can cause systemic shock and kll her in days. House: Go. Test for everything. (Taub, Kutner, and Foreman leave) (to Thirteen) Not you. You’re just a visitor. [Cut to Foreman performing tests in the Pathology lab, Chase enters] Chase: How’s your patient? Foreman: She doesn't have Langerhans. Chase: That’s good. Foreman: Actually, a cancer diagnosis would be good news right now. (he pauses) Do you think… I’m boring? Chase: Yes. (He pulls a tray out of the lighted cabinet) Foreman: You’re saying that just to screw with me. Chase: Yeah. Why would you expect anything else? [Chase has put the tray down on the table. He sits down in front of a microscope] Foreman: I expect House to pull my strings. I expect Cameron to make me feel better. I expect the new team to kiss my ass. And I expect you to be honest, 'cause you don't give a crap. Chase: Yes, you're boring. That speech was boring. Foreman: Thanks so much. (He peers into a microscope) Chase: You don't let other people's problems affect you. You don't let your own problems affect you. And it's the screw-ups that make us interesting. You’re never out of control. Which is good, and… boring. Never losing control also means you're never putting yourself out there. Never pushing your limits. On the other hand, you do have a tattoo, so… Maybe I’m wrong. [They both look into their respective microscopes] [Cut to Spencer’s hospital room. There is very little dialogue in this scene and it takes place with the song Can We Survive by Joseph Arthur as the backdrop. The scene opens with Thirteen sitting at the bottom of Spencer’s bed. She scoots up until she is sitting beside Spencer. She puts her hand on top of Spencer’s hand and Spencer puts her other hand on top of Thirteen’s hand. They look at one another then Thirteen lies down on the bed beside Spencer. At first she lies on her back. Then she turns on her side so that she is facing Spencer, and they put their hands together again. Spencer turns to face Thirteen] Spencer: I’m glad you're here. [Thirteen kisses Spencer] [Cut to a close-up of House with a stern look on his face. The camera pulls back to reveal that he is standing outside Spencer’s hospital room, watching Thirteen and Spencer. He raps the window with his cane. Thirteen looks up and comes out of the room as House walks away from the room and stands by the nurse’s station. Thirteen approaches House] House: She needs a bone marrow transplant. Thirteen: Test results are back? What’s she positive for? House: Nothing. But we've got a donor match. Thirteen: Jumping to a transplant when we don't know what she — House: I know she has a blood disorder. Could be PNH. She needs a bone marrow transplant. Or leukemia. She needs a bone marrow transplant. Or thalassemia. She needs a bone marrow — Thirteen: Yeah, I get it. But she'll never survive total body irradiation. House: So we don't radiate her. Her marrow's nearly wiped out already. Counts almost zero. Thirteen: "Almost" being the key word. The new marrow would attck the old marrow. She’ll die from graft-versus-host. House: You got a better idea? She trusts you. Go get her consent. [Cut to a close-up of House’s office door. Lucas can be seen sitting in House’s chair bouncing a ball against the wall. House enters. House looks at him questioningly and Lucas puts a white trash bag on the desk] Lucas: Sometimes I find out things you'd rather not know. (House opens the bag to reveal a used syringe) This was in his trash. He’s using. (House grins) [Cut to House entering Wilson’s office. As usual, he did not knock] House: You’re back. [He tosses the trash bag onto Wilson’s desk] House: Genius. Wilson: Damn. I knew the fake works was too much. House: Well, you had no choice. (He closes the door and sits down on the couch) Where were you gonna go after fake hooker girlfriend? How did you know he was outside? Wilson: Cane prints. I’m actually kind of insulted. No way I’m a drug addict, but you completely buy that I fell in love with a prosttute? House: You played to your strengths. By which I mean you played to your weaknesses. (House suddenly realizes something) Oh, my God. You invoked your dad girlfriend's name to sell me. You’re my hero. Wilson: Best $30 I ever spent. House: It’s $30? Did you keep her number? Wilson: Unfortunately, I klled her and buried her in the basement. House: Shame. Hungry? Wilson: Yeah. (Wilson gets up) House: So, seriously. Where were you the other morning? Wilson: Ugh, don't make me do this again. It has nothing to do with you. House: Then tell me. Wilson: (putting on his jacket) We’re going bowling on Monday. I’m coming over to play poker this weekend. Nothing’s changed. You have to trust that. House: (too compliantly) Okay. [Wilson has opened the door to leave, but he pauses and turns to look at House] Wilson: You’re gonna keep following me, aren't you? House: It’s what we do. Wilson: Be outside my apartment at 8:00 tonight. (House gets up, grinning triumphantly) [Cut to Thirteen waiting for House in his office. House enters and walks around to stand behind his desk] Thirteen: She said yes to the transplant. House: Good. You’re in a downward spiral of destruction. Thirteen: I can stop. House: You’re gonna keep spiraling. Keep screwing around. Slashing away at every person who tries to help until no one tries to help anymore. Till you ht bottom. Till you're dad. Until then… I can use you. Thirteen: You’re hiring me back? House: You did good work. [Thirteen starts to leave, than pauses and turns back toward House] Thirteen: I did good work yesterday, and I was still fired. What changed? (with sudden realization) You wanted me to spend time with her. See if I could still make a connection. House: You connected with a diagnosis, not with her. Thirteen: You’re trying to save me, trying to control me. You’re doing exactly what you think that I’m — House: (noticing something) Cracks. You’re lips are cracked. (Thirteen puts her fingers to her lips) You been using your inhaler lately? Thirteen: Allergies. Don’t deflect. You always deflect. House: (thinking) Did she cry? When you told her that she was gonna die, did she cry? Thirteen: She… got upset. She — House: Were. there. tears? Thirteen: No. [House has his epiphany] [Cut to Spencer’s hospital room. House puts an onion on a cutting board down on the table in front of Spencer and cuts into it] House: Chopping an onion releases a mist of syn-propanethial-s-oxide, a chemical irritant (House holds the cut onion in front of Spencer’s nose while trying not to tear up himself) which causes people to have a very predictable reaction. Thirteen: She has no tears. House: It was either this or put on Brian’s song. I didn't have time to stop by Wilson’s. (House puts down the onion, reaches for a tissue and wipes his eyes) She has Sjogren's. It attcks the glands that produce tears and saliva. Also, by the way, causes lung cysts and RTA. Thirteen: It doesn't cause bleeding. House: It’s like you and men. Just 'cause you usually don't, doesn't mean you can't. Thirteen: And it doesn't cause cracked lips in other people. House: Lack of spit makes her mouth a breeding ground for a fungus like Candida. (House picks up the cutting board and the onion and moves it aside) Your asthma inhaler did the same for you. Wiped out your mouth's immune system. Spencer: So she's got what I’ve got. House: Just the opportunistic infection, not the underlying condition. Another life saved by girl-on-girl action. [Spencer looks up at Thirteen, who shrugs] Spencer: I’m gonna be okay? Thirteen: You’re gonna be okay. House: Methylprednisolone to get the Sjogren’s under control. And some artificial tears to maximize the visual impact of this moment. (He holds up his hands as if framing a camera sht. Thirteen smiles hesitantly) [House swivels around on his stool and gets up, leaving Thirteen with Spencer] [Cut to an aerial view of PPTH at dusk and then to a sh*t of Thirteen in the doctor’s locker room. Foreman enters] Foreman: Spencer’s gonna be fine. And I hear you got your job back. I’m gonna keep standing here until you say something. Thirteen: (closing her locker and pausing) I feel alone. And, she hasn't gone anywhere. Foreman: She gets to live. Thirteen: (sighing) I’m gonna go home. I’m tired. (She leaves the locker room) [Cut to Wilson entering a shop which sells baby items. Cuddy is already there, standing by a crib. Wilson walks toward her] Cuddy: What do you think? [House comes into the shop wearing sunglasses and trying to pretend that he normally shops in a store such as this] House: Oh, my God! You guys shop here too? Best nipples in Princeton. Cuddy: Why are you here? House: (taking off his sunglasses) Because he ate the donut. Wilson: I’m so sorry. He must've followed me. Cuddy: (not believing Wilson) I’m sure. House: Well, you're clearly not pregnant, so either you're buying this as a gift, or this is some kind of weird "if you build it, they will come" moment. Cuddy: I’m adopting a baby. Wilson: She asked me to be a character reference. That’s where I was the other morning. I’m sorry. I couldn't betray her confidence. Cuddy: I didn't want anyone else to know in case I didn't get approved. Today, I did. (She smiles broadly) [Dark Road by Annie Lennox starts playing in the background] [Wilson smiles also until he sees that House is not smiling. House looks shocked and a little hurt. He swallows] Cuddy: Are you gonna congratulate me? House: If you're happy, I’m — [House puts on his sunglasses and leaves the store] [Cut to a close-up of Thirteen in her apartment. Her shoulders are bare. Another woman enters the scene. She is only wearing a bra. She kisses Thirteen’s shoulder and neck. Thirteen turns and they kiss] END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x05 - Lucky Thirteen"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on Jerry Harmon. He’s looking out the window at a plant. The leaves are yellow and brown. He pours a mug of coffee and sniffs it. sht of the coffee going down the drain. He pours another cup. He makes a new pot of coffee. He sniffs it and checks off items on a form. He puts down the clipboard and pours the coffee in the drain. He pours another cup. There are 5 coffee makers lined up on the kitchen counter. His daughter, Samantha, enters.] Jerry: What time? Samantha: 4:30. Jerry: Why so late? Samantha: Make-up test in social studies. Jerry: Did you invite Shelby for Saturday? Samantha: No. Jerry: Do you want me to call her? Samantha: Yeah, that'd be great. You calling a 12-year-old girl for a sleepover. Jerry: It'll be fine. Samantha: Make you a deal. I'll call a friend when you call a friend. Jerry: It's your birthday. Do what you want. Samantha: Thank you. Bye. Jerry: Bye. [He looks at the wall clock. It’s 8:10. He pulls a carafe from one of the coffee makers and starts to pour. The carafe is clean and dry. So is the next one and the one after that. He opens a cupboard and removes a giant can of coffee. He turns back to the counter. The coffee makers aren’t there. The wide-angle sht makes everything look out of proportion. Jerry scrubs his face with his hand. He hears a noise.] Jerry: What did you forget? Samantha: Nothing. Jerry: Then why'd you come back? Samantha: 'Cause I live here. Jerry: Come on, Samantha, you're gonna be late for school. Samantha: What are you talking about? It's 4:30. [Jerry looks at the clock. It’s 4:33. He hears the faucet drip and the clock tick away the seconds.] Samantha: Are you okay? Jerry: I, uh… Tired, I guess. [He rubs his eyes and looks around. He’s in the living room.] Samantha: What's wrong? Jerry: I don't know. [Opening Credits] [Cut to PPTH lobby. House enters for the day. Cuddy can be heard on her cell phone. She approaches, wearing jeans and a low-cut t-shirt.] Cuddy: Great. That's all I need to know. [to House] You're late! [on the phone] Okay, bye. [She tries to give House a patient file.] 37-year-old male with recurring blackouts. House: Tell him to switch from tequila to bourbon. Worked for me. Cuddy: The three doctors he's already seen already ruled out drugs and alcohol. House: Well, then it's epilepsy. Tell him to buy a hockey helmet — Cuddy: EEG's clean. So is the CT. House: Relax. Just because you got approved by an adoption agency doesn't mean you'll get approved by the birth mother. You're a single mom. That puts you somewhere below couples acquitted in day care scandals. Cuddy: You're welcome, Dr. House. It is an interesting case. [She starts to leave.] House: What time are you seeing the mom? Cuddy: [turning back] Are you having your guy follow me? House: I just trashed your social value as a mother, and all I got was a little sarcasm. It means you don't feel the need to defend yourself, which means you're not worried about getting a kid, which means you've already got one. Cuddy: We're meeting at 11:00. She's due to deliver a baby girl in two weeks. House: I'm sure the mom'll be thrilled to hand her crack baby off to a doctor. Cuddy: She's not a crack baby. House: No, mother's perfectly healthy. She just had to give up the baby in order to continue her work on the human genome. Cuddy: She confessed to some past meth use. House: What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting. This is a mistake. Cuddy: Because a kid you don't know may have some problems you don't know about that she may have passed on to a kid? House: Because you're a control seeking narcissist. Which is fine, good even, in some jobs. But you're not equipped to handle a real kid, never mind a factory second. Where are you meeting her? Cuddy: In a little place called "follow me and your urologist will be buying himself a new yacht." House: They explained the returns policy, right? It's worse than video games. Cuddy: I'm not changing my mind. [She enters the clinic.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House is writing on the white board. The team is at the table.] Thirteen: Could be post concussion syndrome. House: Not without a pre-concussion. Pick a number. [The white board has “<7,” “7–14” and “<14” on it.] Thirteen: For what? House: Cuddy pool. She got the nod. Little tweaker's due in 14 days. Kutner: That's great news… I think. House: It's good news. The great news is she insisted that she's not gonna change her mind, which means she's actually thought about changing her mind, which means she's not sure she's ready to be a mom, which means she's not ready to be a mom, which means she's gonna change her mind. The only question is when. $100 buy in. Less than seven means the next seven days. Foreman: But she's been dying for a kid for three years. No way she's gonna back out now. House: Not one of the options. Taub: Mini strokes can cause blackouts and memory loss. Thirteen: Nine hours is a lot of time to be out for a mini stroke. Foreman: And there'd be residual damage on the CT. Thirteen: Guy works at home as a consumer product tester. He could've been exposed to a toxin that caused short-term memory loss. Wouldn't show up on imaging. [House draws a cartoon baby face on the white board.] Kutner: Cavernous sinus thrombosis could cause absence seizures and memory loss. I'll take 7 to 14. House: We have a player. Thirteen: You just said it was great news. Now you want to bet against her? Kutner: It's only great news if she wants it to be great news. House knows her better than any of us. [House has written “Kutner” in the middle column.] I'd rather use a pseudonym. House: Good thinking. [He adds an “S” in front of Kutner’s name.]I say she's gonna meet the mom and bolt. I'm going for the early fold. [He writes “Jones” in the first column.] Check his home for toxins and his sinuses for thrombosises. [Cut to Jerry and Samantha’s apartment. Taub and Thirteen are checking it out.] Taub: Maybe he ODed on caffeine. Thirteen: Apparently he didn't drink the coffee, just smelled it. [Taub opens the door to Samantha’s bedroom. It’s completely utilitarian and neat. There’s a dresser and a made bed and two bedside tables. A baby doll lies exactly in the center of the pillow.] Taub: Wow. Did they just move here? Thirteen: Six years ago. Taub: This is no way to raise a kid. Thirteen: He's a single dad. I'm sure he's doing his best. Taub: Which is why single people shouldn't have kids. Thirteen: You got a problem with what Cuddy's doing? You think single mothers can't — Taub: I think the traditional family is a fraud. Even married moms are single moms. Daddy just pays some bills and reads just enough bedtime stories to not kll himself out of guilt. Thirteen: My dad was great. After my mom died — Taub: He might be the exception. On the other hand, you are fairly screwed up. [He goes back to the living room.] Thirteen: No booze, no meds, no drugs. Taub: [pulling the curtain aside] And no view. Building's half-empty. He'd rather have a view of the turnpike than the park. Thirteen: Park views are probably 50% more. You're the surprised the guy's a pragmatist after looking at this place? Taub: Guy's not a pragmatist. He's a flagellant. Thirteen: Ump. Looks like mold. [He hands her the bag he’s carrying. She uses a screwdriver to pry the baseboard off. He swabs the mold.] Taub: Mom would've cleaned better. [Cut to exam room. Thirteen is swabbing inside Samantha’s mouth.] Thirteen: Exposure to certain types of mold can cause short-term memory loss. We're testing both of you. Samantha: I feel fine. Thirteen: I'm sure you are. We're just being cautious. So where do you guys go other than home and school? [She checks Samantha’s eyes.] Samantha: Nowhere. Dad works at home, and I go to school. Thirteen: What about sports, friends, travel? Samantha: Like I said, dad works at home, and I go to school. Thirteen: [checking Samantha’s glands] Must be hard not having your mom around, huh? Samantha: I was only four when the accident happened. Thirteen: Still, I'm sure you both miss her sometimes. Samantha: Not really. Thirteen: You're strong. Samantha: No, I just don't get what the big deal about death is, you know? Thirteen: Yeah. [Cut to nurses’ station.] Foreman: How is she? Thirteen: Physically, she's fine. mentlly, she's weird. Foreman: I'm sure she's just freaked out about her dad. [He looks past her.] Mr. Harmon? [Jerry is at the elevator, fully dressed.] Mr. Harmon. Thirteen: Where are you going? [The elevator door opens. She steps in front of him to keep him from getting on.] Jerry: I have an appointment. I have to go. Thirteen: We haven't finished with your treatment. We're still waiting on some test results. Jerry: I have an appointment. Foreman: Sorry, you're gonna have to reschedule. Jerry: I really have to go. Thirteen: [with a puzzled look at Foreman] Mr. Harmon, do you know where you are? Jerry: Why are you trying to stop me? Foreman: [flashlight in hand] Look at his eyes. Thirteen: Is he having a seizure? Foreman: His pupils are responsive. I think he's… asleep. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.] Taub: He was just asleep. Means no memory loss. And sleepwalking doesn't kll. Unless he walks out a window. Foreman: Sleepwalking's not a diagnosis. It's a symptom. As long as we can't figure out why — Taub: Stress-induced insomnia. Lots of people sleepwalk. Foreman: Not in the middle of the day before they've even put their head on a pillow. Kutner: Could be some sort of narcolepsy. House: [inspecting the coffee area] Which is caused by… Kutner: There's usually genetic history. House: Or? Thirteen: If you know the answer, can you tell us the answer? House: I don't know the answer. Which brings us back to — or? Kutner: Some sort of environmental trigger. House: Which means? Taub: It's a toxin. House: So we are? Thirteen: Being lead down an annoying path. House: I honestly don't know where this is going. Just following the clues. Taub: We're right back where we started. The mold we found doesn't cause these symptoms. And there's nothing else at his home. House: And? Thirteen: And you're obnoxious. He never goes anywhere else. House: Which we know because? Thirteen: Because he says so. Because his daughter says so. Because they have no reason to lie. House: Which proves he never goes anywhere else… [pause] when… [pause] he's… [longer pause] Taub: Conscious. House: Oh, my God, you're right. Foreman: He said he had an appointment. House: Next time, let him keep it. Send him home. See where his dreams take him. [Cut to a coffee house. Cuddy enters and looks around. She sees a young, blonde woman sitting alone at the counter.] Cuddy: Becca? Becca: Dr. Cuddy? Cuddy: Lisa. Nice to meet you. Becca: Oh, you want one? [She indicated the frosted cookies on a plate in front of her.] Cuddy: No thanks. Becca: I can't stop eating them. I guess it's, like, a craving. I must have, like, a dozen a day. Oh, and this is decaf. Cuddy: How have you been feeling? Becca: Oh, you know, tired, fat, nervous. Cuddy: Is there, um, anything you want to ask me? Becca: Uh, yeah, actually, I just have one question. Um, what are you gonna call her? Cuddy: Ah, I'm not sure. It's all been rather sudden, you know? I like Joy. But as I said, I haven't really decided yet. Becca: Well, is there anything you want to ask me? It's okay. Cuddy: The agency web site is filled with prospective parents. Their photos, their biographies. There's so many wonderful people out there. Wonderful couples. Becca: Why did I choose a single mom? My grandmother was married for 37 years to a man that treated her like garbage. And my mom would've stayed married to my loser dad that long, but he dumped her. You know, I never understood how you could fall for the same crap as your mother. Then I met Tony. [pause] When I read your bio, a doctor, a head of a hospital, I saw your picture… I don't want her raised by a loser. Cuddy: [looks at Becca’s wrist] How long have you had that rash? Becca: I don't know. A few days? Cuddy: Have you had any joint pain? Becca: Yeah, I'm pregnant. All my joints hurt. Cuddy: They shouldn't all hurt. Have you been using? Becca: Not in seven months. Not since I found out I was pregnant. Cuddy: That needs to be checked out. [Cut to Jerry on a webcam. He’s wearing a do-rag and typing on a laptop. A monitor and equipment measuring his vitals are with Thirteen and Taub in Samantha’s room. Thirteen is twisting on the desk chair. Taub is on the bed, playing with the doll.] Thirteen: You sure you don't want children? Taub: You know, just because we're stuck here and I'm lying down doesn't mean we need to get deep. Thirteen: You're afraid you'll make the same mistake you made with your wife. Get caught taking some other kid to a ball game. Taub: I like my life as it is. Thirteen: Alpha waves increasing. Taub: Any change in demeanor? Thirteen: No, nothing. He just got up. Taub: [getting up and checking the equipment] Maybe it's a result of the blood pressure change. Delta waves, out of nowhere. He's now asleep. Brain's supposed to turn off motor function. [As they watch on the computer, Jerry goes to a table and takes off the head gear with all the electronic monitor leads. He puts on his jacket and heads for the door.] Thirteen: If the brain was doing what it was supposed to be doing, we wouldn't be here. He's leaving. Come on. [Cut to the ER. Cameron is examining Becca.] Cuddy: She's 38 weeks. You think it's fifth disease? Becca: What's that? Cuddy: It's a viral infection. It can infect the fetus. Cameron: Usually in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy, and in women who have trouble with their immune system. Cuddy: History of drug use could've compromised her immune system. Becca: I told you I haven't used anything in seven months. Cameron: It does look more like a heat rash to me. Cuddy: Yes, well, maybe we want to look at the actual blood tests. Cameron: Of course. [She removes her gloves and walks off.] Becca: She works for you? Cuddy: Yeah. Becca: Everybody here works for you. Cuddy: [nods slightly] When this happens for real, are you okay to deliver here? Becca: Yeah, sure. Cuddy: Good. Cameron: [returning with the test results] Blood work's normal. Cuddy: Test it again. Cameron: Tested it twice. [to Becca] I'll get you some topical cream for that rash. Cuddy: I'm admitting her. Cameron: There's nothing wrong with her. Cuddy: There are dozens of other things this rash could indicate. I want a full fetal work up. [Cut to Cuddy and House walking through the lobby. He’s carrying a coffee cup.] House: You're losing it. That's what happens when you have kids. Ceaseless crying and nagging leads to irrational fears. It's impressive that you didn't wait for the actual crying and nagging. Cuddy: She had a lace pattern rash, joint pain, and a history of drug abuse. You would've done exactly the same thing. House: Uh-huh. And I'd be an excellent father. [He tosses the contents of the cup on her shoulder.] Cuddy: Hey! What are you doing? House: Baby barf. Maternity ward was handing out free samples. Cuddy: [pulling tissues from a dispenser at the nurses’ station] Well played, sir. You leave me no choice but to change. My clothes, not my mind. House: That's exactly my point. It's not gonna be me and a cup. It's gonna be eight times a day. If you can't handle wearing that stain, you can't handle a baby. Cuddy: Why do you even care? It's not like I'm ever gonna ask you to babysit. House: I'm a humanitarian. [Cut to Taub and Thirteen following Jerry’s car.] Taub: We should stop him. Thirteen: The whole point was to — Taub: Let him plow into some innocent bystander? Thirteen: His legs are working. Obviously, his eyes are working too. Taub: His reaction time could be slower. Thirteen: He's stopping. Taub: Yeah, I see. [A woman is leaning into Jerry’s car. Only her butt and legs are visible.] He's having sleep sex. Thirteen: Maybe. Pull up to her. Taub: I know. [Sadie, the woman, is walking in their direction. Taub stops next to her.] Thirteen: What'd that guy want? Sadie: Piss off. Thirteen: Go after him. She's not a hooker. Taub: How do you know? Thirteen: Do you want me to describe the clues, or do you want to stop him before he finishes off the drugs he just bought? [They pull up behind him and get out. Taub approaches from the driver’s side, Thirteen opens the passenger door. Jerry looks at them blankly. Thirteen picks up a packet from the seat and passes it to Taub.] Thirteen: Apparently, Rip's a coke fiend. [Cut to the PPTH cafeteria. White powder is falling onto the desk. It’s sugar that House is pouring out of a single-serving packet.] House: So Sleeping Beauty has a Jones for Snow White. Taub: Coke explains the narcolepsy. Narcolepsy explains the sleepwalking. Foreman: But it doesn't explain the rip in the space-time continuum. Coke leads to sleepwalking, which leads to coke, which leads to sleepwalking. What caused the first sleepwalking? [House takes a credit card from his pocket and uses it to divide and group the sugar as if it were coke.] Thirteen: The coke he took while he was wide-awake. Kutner: Says he didn't. Thirteen: Wouldn't be the first time somebody lied about drug use. Kutner: He has no reason to lie. He knows he's sick. His job doesn't drug test. No relationship. His daughter wouldn't find out. House: Maybe he just forgot. Taub: Forgot he did cocaine? You're going with forgot over lying? House: Fits. Cocaine explains the narcolepsy. Narcolepsy explains the sleepwalking. Whatever is in the cocaine other than the cocaine explains the memory loss. Taub: Dealers cut this stuff with all kinds of garbage. Thirteen: Great, we'll start him on immediate treatment for all kinds of garbage. House: You can narrow it down in the lab. Thirteen: Not without a sample. House: So get a sample. Taub: You want us to score cocaine from a drug dealer? House: It's exciting. Thirteen: It's a felony. House: It's necessary. [Taub and Thirteen look at each other and get out of the booth they were in.] [Cut to ultrasound of Becca’s baby. Cameron is doing the test while Cuddy looks on, smiling.] Cameron: There she is. Amniotic fluid looks good. Good fetal movement. Heart's beating nicely. [She leans forward to stare at the image.] Cuddy: What? Cameron: It looks like pulmonary hypoplasia. Becca: What's that? Cuddy: The baby's lungs are underdeveloped. She won't be able to breath on her own. Becca: She might die? Cuddy: I don't know. Cameron: If she was born today, she'd be in trouble, but we're not gonna let that happen. We'll put you on magnesium to prevent labor and steroids to grow the lungs. It's a good thing Dr. Cuddy brought you in. [Cut to the car. Thirteen and Taub are parked near the place they last saw Sadie.] Taub: How do you know what a drug dealer looks like? Thirteen: I'm not doing drugs, if that's what you're asking. I just noticed that she had cash in her hand. Obviously came from him. Obviously didn't have enough time to perform any other services. Taub: I didn't notice her holding any — Thirteen: Mmph. There she is. [They get out of the car.] Taub: Uh, we're not cops. Cops aren't allowed to say that, right? Sadie: Yeah, they can say it. But if you were a cop, you'd know that. What do you want? Taub: [looking around before leaning close to Sadie] I would like to buy some cocaine, please. Sadie: Oh, definitely not a cop. [Sadie and Thirteen are smiling. Taub gives her money in exchange for the packet she takes from her jacket.] Taub: Thank you. Thirteen: Wait. [She takes the packet from Taub and opens it. She massages her gums with a little cocaine.] Thirteen: It's good. Taub: Glad you like it, Pablo. Now can we go? Thirteen: No. You gave us the wrong stuff. Sadie: What are you talking about? You got my best. Thirteen: I know. I don't want the good "get your new customer hooked" stuff. I want the stepped on "keep the old customer coming back for more" stuff. Sadie: Are you crazy, bitch? Thirteen: No, I'm a just a bitch who knows what she wants. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s on the floor opening boxes. House is squeaking a fluffy, stuffed duckling.] House: Looks like this kid thing is really working out for you. All of the shopping, none of the stretch marks. Cuddy: Not a good time. House: Right, kid's getting worse. Blessing in disguise. Although a completely predictable one. You take in strays, don't be surprised by the worms. Cuddy: Still wearing the sweater. House: I didn't say you weren't stubborn. I said you weren't maternal. Cuddy: Thank you. Go away. House: You're getting crankier. Cuddy: Baby's sick. Sorry I'm not finding the fun in that. House: Is it really worth it? Just for the pursuit of unconditional love? Cuddy: Only you could see that as a bad thing. House: It's a fake thing. There's no unconditional love. It's just unconditional need. Don't make this child a victim of your biological clock. Cuddy: Victim? You think she's better off staying — House: Yes! Because at least she knows she's not qualified for the job. [He knocks over a table lamp with a glass shade.] Cuddy: Let me guess. I'm gonna tell her not to play ball in the house, but she's not gonna listen. House: No, actually, I was going for "she sneaks her boyfriend in while you're sleeping, and he wants to do it on the desk." And at first she says no, but she has issues with self-esteem. Cuddy: You know you're gonna pay for that. House: I'm paying for it right now. With wisdom. Cuddy: Get out. [Cut to the clinic waiting area. As House leaves Cuddy’s office, Taub and Thirteen are waiting for him.] Taub: We found lactose. The coke was cut with milk powder. House: Makes it nutritious. Thirteen: Not much of a toxin. House: It is if he's allergic to milk. Taub: He's not. He has milk in his fridge. House: How does he like his coffee? Taub: I don't know. What does that — House: What type of cereal's in the cabinet? Thirteen: Cocoa-something. Why, what does it matter? House: [pushing the button for the elevator] He likes his coffee black. Milk's for the kid. Thirteen: How can you be sure? House: Because if he drank the milk, he'd know that he's lactose intolerant. Ask him, then treat him for allergic reaction. If he gets better, we all get to go home early. [The elevator doors close, leaving Thirteen and Taub in the lobby.] [Cut to Becca’s room.] Cuddy: Steroids make you more prone to infection. You'll have to stay here for the next two weeks so we can monitor you. Becca: The baby's lungs, is that because of… the meth? Cuddy: Could be. Becca: You must hate me. Cuddy: If you'd done everything right in your life, I wouldn't be getting a baby. Becca: [rubbing her belly] You're not scared? Cuddy: I am scared. Becca: You got, like, this perfect life. Cuddy: Not yet. [A monitor starts beeping.] Becca: What's that? Cuddy: Heart rate's climbing. Becca: What's wrong with her? Cuddy: It's not the baby. It's you. [Becca is bleeding onto the bed.] I need two units of O-negative, stat! [Cut to House’s office. Cuddy is sitting in front of his desk, head down. House enters.] Cuddy: The mother had a stage two placental abruption. She's losing blood. House: So deliver the baby. Cuddy: The lungs are ten weeks premature. [She hands him a clipboard.] House: So deliver now, risk the baby. Deliver later, risk the mom. It's not your baby yet. It's not your call. Cuddy: She'll do whatever I tell her to do. House: Self-worth issues. That's genetic, you know. You should deliver now. Cuddy: Right. [She gets up to leave.] House: Are you serious? Cuddy: You're not? You just told me — House: The wrong answer. You can give the mom more blood. You can't give the fetus more lungs. Cuddy: The lungs might work. It's the right decision medically. House: And yet you're here. Cuddy: To get your opinion, not to get jerked around. House: See, this is what's screwed up here. You're not sure that this is the right call, but you are sure that this is what you want to tell her. And that scares you because your motives aren't medical. Some part of you doesn't want this baby, and that part wants to tell her to kll it. Cuddy: This is an impossible situation. I'm advising her to take the safest route. House: Right. Doesn't explain why you changed your sweater. [She stares at him then leaves.] [Cut to doctor’s lounge. Wilson is reading the paper and holding an apple. House enters.] House: I need your advice. [He drops a file on the table.] Wilson: [without looking up] It's not cancer. House: Wow. Can you remove spleens with your mind too? Wilson: You're here to talk about Cuddy. The file is a pretext. [He starts shining the apple.] House: Why the hell haven't you come to talk to me about Cuddy? I've been doing all sorts of insane stuff. Wilson: If she can't handle your insanity, she can't handle a baby. House: That's exactly my point. [He takes a box of Sugar Bits from the cupboard and comes to the table. Wilson is still polishing his apple.] Wilson: No, it isn't. You're feeling thrat because she's going onto high school and leaving you behind to repeat the eighth grade. House: She's sleeping with the math teacher to get a diploma. Wilson: Adoption is cheating? Are they giving her a fake kid? House: That's the problem. She gets to have a relationship with a kid, but she can't handle one with an adult. So she's gonna kll it. Wilson: Well, it does seem cleaner. [House tosses the box on the table.] I've seen the file. She's making a judgment call. House: Decisions are never made in a vacuum. [He takes back the patient file.] Wilson: Just like your decision to make her miserable. You're doing this because we no longer have inkwells and Cuddy doesn't have pigtails. [House grabs the apple, takes a big bite out of it and drops it back in Wilson’s hands.] House: Why do you think I did that? [He leaves as an exasperated Wilson toys with the apple.] [Cut to Jerry’s room. Taub enters.] Taub: How you doing? Jerry: Not sure. Been keeping an eye on the clock like you said. I don't think I lost any time. Taub: The machinery agrees with you. That means your problems were caused by the coke. Jerry: Can't believe I did coke. Taub: You were asleep. Jerry: I chose to do coke. Taub: In your sleep. You weren't responsible. Jerry: Something inside me wanted to do it. Something inside of me didn't think it was wrong. Taub: It's like a dream. We all do stuff in our dreams we wouldn't do when we're awake. Jerry: I don't. Taub: What's that? [He points at Jerry’s chest. There’s blood on it.] Jerry: Did I fall asleep and hurt myself? I don't see any cuts. Taub: Because there aren't any. I think… You're sweating blood. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.] House: Guy's bleeding out of his pores. What does that tell us? Other than that you don't want to play basketball against him and he's dying? Foreman: And neither cocaine or allergies are the answer. Kutner: It's gotta be systemic. Hemorrhagic virus, maybe? Thirteen: You think it's Ebola? His white blood cell count would be through the roof. It's not an infection. Kutner: DIC? Thirteen: Coags are normal. Taub: It's cancer. Leukemia explains everything. Kutner: No fever. Taub: The bleeding. Kutner: No weight loss. Taub: The rash. Kutner: No headache. Taub: The fatigue. Kutner: Leukemia'd be obvious from the CBC. Taub: Leukemia has false negatives all the time. [Taub turns to House whose eyes have been flicking back and forth between him and Kutner like he’s watching a tennis match. He looks at Kutner once more to give him a chance to return the volley before answering.] House: So we have four reasons for leukemia, four reasons against. Foreman: Only need one against. House: Yeah, if we had one reason for anything else. Go do a bone marrow biopsy. [Cut to Becca’s room.] Becca: What would you do? Cuddy: I think… I think you should wait. Becca: But if I wait… I could die. Cuddy: There would be more danger for you, but — Becca: Is this your opinion as a doctor or as a mother? Cuddy: It's my medical opinion. It's my personal opinion. I don’t — Becca: [sobs] I don't want to wait. Cuddy: It might only be one week. We will keep you on plasma. Becca: This is not my baby. I have already sacrificed nine months for this stupid mistake. I don't… I don't want to sacrifice any more. Cuddy: Becca, you asked my opinion because you wanted to do the right thing. You are giving up this baby because you don't want to make the mistakes your mom made, her mom made. You have a chance to break this cycle, to do something great for this baby. Becca: No. [Cut to treatment room. Jerry is on his side. Kutner is doing the bone marrow biopsy with Taub’s help. Jerry grunts with pain.] Kutner: I need you to hold still. Taub: Wait. [He pulls Jerry’s legs free of the blanket. The right one is several shades darker than the left.] Have you been testing any tanning creams or sprays? Jerry: No. Kutner: It's not a tan. Means it's not leukemia. [Cut to Kutner and Taub following House down a hallway.] Kutner: Chem panel confirms kidney failure, end stage. House: Got him on dialysis? Taub: BP's too low. House: Too bad. It would've been nice to have more than an hour or two to solve this thing. Kutner: Hemachromatosis? House: He have tiny testes? Taub: No. Scleroderma. House: His skin's darker, not lighter. As much fun as 20 questions tends to be, he's blwing blood out of every orifice, you think it just might be vascular? Taub: Vasculitis? House: If I had said it might be "vitas gerular," would you have said "Vitas Gerulaitis?" Test him for vasculitis, angio and blood. Kutner: Even if we're right, he's gonna need a kidney transplant. House: Test the daughter. Kutner: She's 12. House: Small kidney. It just means he won't pee as much. Great for road trips. Kutner: I meant she's a minor and daddy has a conflict, so we're gonna need Cuddy's sign off. House: So get it. Taub: She's… kind of busy. [Cut to OR. Chase is delivering Becca’s baby by C-section while Cuddy looks on.] Chase: Clamp. [Becca, who’s awake, looks around. Cuddy fidgets nervously.] Suction. Entering the abdominal cavity. There's the head. House: Got a minute? [Cuddy and Becca both turn to see him leaning into the OR.] Cuddy: Get out of here. Becca: Who's that? Chase: Dr. Gregory House. He's the one you'll be suing when you develop sepsis. Becca: Well, why is he here? House: Better question is why is she here? You're an administrator. Administrate. I have a patient's daughter needs a guardian ad litem. Chase: [in the background] That's it. House: Tests are inconclusive. But either way he's gonna need — Cuddy: House, get out! House: This doesn't need you. I do. Chase: Head's out. Cuddy: [looking at the delivery] Later. House: Later's too late. Chase: And there she is. [He pulls blood-covered baby out onto Becca’s stomach.] Cuddy: Come on, cry. [pause]Come on. [They move her to a bassinet.] Come on. Joy, cry. Cry, Joy. Becca: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Chase: [taps Joy’s foot. She lets out a cry.] Ah. That's the sound we like to hear. Apgar's nine out of ten. Cuddy: You hear that? You just got your first "A." [She approaches Becca with the blanket-wrapped baby.] Becca: She's… yours now. [House has been watching, silently.] House: Mazel Tov. Now it's time to say those magic words you'll be telling her for the rest of her life, “Mommy's gotta go to work.” [Cut to Jerry’s room. Samantha is sitting on the second bed.] Cuddy: Have the risks of the transplant procedure been explained to you? House: [pacing by the window] Damn it. I was hoping you weren't going to ask her that. Of course she knows. Can you just sign the paperwork? Cuddy: Dr. House explained to you that all surgeries carry risk? You could die. House: And if you don't do it, daddy will die. Cuddy: Stop pressuring her. House: Sorry. Daddy's perfectly healthy. But we want you to give him a kidney anyway because it'd be cool if he had three. Cuddy: [turning toward him] Shut up. Do you understand the risks of living with one kidney? Samantha: Yeah. Cuddy: And you still want to proceed with the transplant? Samantha: Yeah. Cuddy: Okay, go ahead. [House is staring at Samantha. He approaches the bed.] House: No. Cuddy: I'm saying you can proceed. House: I'm saying I can't. [He leans over to peer into Samantha’s eyes.] Whatever he has, she has too. She's sleepwalking. [Cut to bench under the Witherspoon Wing sign. House, fidgeting with a Vicodin bottle, sits between Taub and Kutner.] Kutner: If we don't give him a new kidney, he's dad in a week. We have to transplant. House: When your remote has a dad battery, you don't replace it with another dad battery. Whatever's klling the dad's kidneys is gonna kll the kid's too. Taub: It is possible the sleep issues aren't medically related. Maybe they're both insomniacs due to the turnpike noise. Maybe they both drink too much coffee, maybe — Thirteen: [approaching] House is right. Taub: How do you know? Thirteen: Because the daughter's sweating blood. If they have the same thing, it means there has to be a common cause. Which means it has to be a toxin, infection, or genetic. And since we've ruled out infections and toxins — Kutner: It narrows it down to any one of a dozen genetic disorders, each of which takes more than a week to run. House: Call Foreman. Get to work. [Cut to Wilson’s office. House is still playing with the pill bottle.] Wilson: Cuddy is positively aglow. What's your theory? She's only acting happy to make you miserable? House: I need a genetic disease. Wilson: I'm sure you're carrying a few. House: Symptoms are kidney failure, bleeding, and insomnia. Wilson: You paid off the pool? Technically, anyone who didn't enter is a winner. House: It's not over yet. Everyone's happy until they unwrap that pretty present and find they got a wall clock in the shape of Africa. Wilson: Adoption's a cheat, remember? There's no real pregnancy, so there's no stranded dopamine receptors, so there's no postpartum depression. Cuddy will be the happiest new mother you've ever seen. [House stares.] I've just given you the answer, haven't I? And now you're going to walk out of here without saying a word. House: [leaving] Nope! [Cut to Jerry’s and Samantha’s room. Kutner and Thirteen are at Samantha’s bed; Foreman and Taub are at Jerry’s.] House: Good news. I know what you have, and you're both gonna be fine. [Jerry and Samantha both look at him with no change in their expressions.] Taub: What? Are you serious? House: Yes and no. Foreman: So you do know what they have? House: Yeah. Foreman: But they aren't gonna be fine? House: No idea. They might be. Foreman: Why the hell would you say they were? House: To make them happy. Foreman: For two seconds? House: Technically, to see if they can be happy. We should've seen a grin, a twinkle, a sigh of relief, something. Foreman: They're sick. They're tired. House: They're anhedonic, incapable of experiencing pleasure. Something's bushwhacked their dopamine receptors. Thirteen: They're depressed. Mom's dad. Dad's dying. You should know that being bummed isn't necessarily a pathology. House: Being bummed doesn't explain their lack of friends or their indifference to each other. Taub: Why their place had no music, no view, no decor. Thirteen: But if you can't feel pleasure, what's with the cocaine? House: Really? Is that why you do drugs? Because you're happy? Most people do 'em because they want to be happy. His subconscious craved it, needed it. Foreman: Most common cause of anhedonia is schizophrenia. House: Sure, in white folk. Kutner: They're… black? House: They're liars. [to Jerry] What's your name? Jerry: Jerry Harmon. House: Your real name. Hosarian? Herzog? H'ali-baba? Jerry: Hammoud. Jamal Hammoud. Changed it when we invde Iraq the first time. How'd you know? House: You and your daughter have Familial Mediterranean Fever. It's a genetic disease contracted by people of Mediterranean descent. Sephardic Jews, Armenians, Arabs. Causes anhedonia, seizures, kidney failure, even lactose intolerance. Symptoms are set off by age and stress. Kid couldn't get happy, but she could get stressed by daddy dying. Jerry: You don't know if we'll get better? House: Treatment tends to be ht and miss once you reach the sweating blood stage. Start them on colchicine and melphalan. [He starts to leave.] Foreman: His kidneys are fried. If he doesn't have FMF, the colchicine will kll him. House: Boy, sure hope I'm right. [He leaves.] [Cut back and forth between Jerry and Samantha’s room, the next day where Thirteen is taking notes while they are unconscious and Cuddy’s house. She is paining a room yellow.] [Cut to Jerry and Samantha’s room, later.] Thirteen: [quietly] Mr. Harmon? Mr. Harmon, I need you to open your eyes. [He does.] Feeling better? [Jerry looks out the window and smiles at all the pretty, green plants.] Jerry: How's Samantha? Thirteen: Healthy enough to toss you a kidney. [Samantha sits up so she is visible in the bed behind Thirteen.] Samantha: Dad? Jerry: Sammy. [They smile and laugh at each other.] [Cut to Cuddy coming to see Becca.] Cuddy: The baby's doing great. I… I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Becca: I was —I was stupid and selfish. Cuddy: You were scared. Becca: Yeah, but you wouldn't have been. Cuddy: That's not true. Becca: Well, I mean, you would've been scared, but… You would've done the right thing anyway. And I want to be like that. I don't… I don't want to be a loser. Cuddy: You're not a loser. Becca: When I saw you hold her and the look on your face, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And that's when I realized… I can't. Cuddy: [realizing what she’s talking about] Becca. Becca: My life, it's always been about pain, and anger, and disappointment. Never about love. And that's when I realized, you know, it could be. And I can't give that away. Cuddy: Becca, don't do this. Uh… what you're feeling is natural. But you're filled with hormones, and emotion, and fear, and… you just can't make a huge decision like this right now. You have to give it some time. Becca: I am… I'm so sorry. Cuddy: It's a decision that changes everything. Changes the rest of your life. Becca: I hope so. [Cuddy swallows hard and leaves.] [Cut to musical montage of Joy in her bassinet; Samantha playing with Jerry’s hair while they both laugh; Cuddy in the hospital nursery, holding Joy’s hand; Jerry and Samantha laughing; and Cuddy crying as she holds Joy’s hand.] [Cut to Cuddy’s house. She sits on the floor in the newly painted nursery in old pants and an oversized sweater. She looks like she’s been crying. There’s a knock on the door. She opens it. House is there.] Cuddy: It's really not the greatest time for gloating. [She moves away from the door and leans against a wall. He limps into the house and closes the door behind him.] House: [quietly] There's more than one baby in the sea. The world is full of teenage boys riding bareback. Cuddy: No. I'm done. I can't go through that again. House: You're quitting. Just like you quit IVF. Cuddy: Yeah, just like that. House: There, you just did it again. [She smiles, humorlessly.] It's too bad. You would've made a great mother. [She stares at him then looks away. She moves her head for a few seconds before speaking.] Cuddy: You son of a bitch. When I was getting a baby, you told me I'd suck as a mother. Now that I've lost it, you tell me I'd be great as a mother. [in his face. He looks a little taken aback.] Why do you need to negate everything? House: [whispers] I don't know. [He leans his head down and they’re kissing. She holds his head in her sleeve-covered hands. His arms are wrapped around her. They cling to each other, kissing passionately, for 12 very long seconds. As they break, Cuddy, who was on her toes, drops down to stand normally. House straightens up, putting a few inches between them.] House: [whispers] Good night. Cuddy: [as he closes the door] Good night. [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x06 - Joy"}	foreverdreaming
[Scene opens on a close-up of a man lying on the floor. His eyes are closed. He opens his eyes and sees a bunch of roses lying in front of him in bright light. There is movement in the background] [This entire scene is seen from the perspective of Stewart who it seems has been unconscious. He is lying on the floor by his front door. His view is fuzzy, and the sound is garbled] [Through the window in his front door, a number of people can be seen standing outside. The noise and bright light seem to disturb Stewart. They break open the front door and approach Stewart, trampling the roses as they enter. It is obvious now, that they are paramedics. They begin to attend to Stewart] 1st EMT: He's got a good pulse. 2nd EMT: Maintain head sab and flip him over. My count, guys. Ready. Go. [They flip Stewart over onto his back] 1st EMT: Sir, we're paramedics. The mailman saw you having a seizure. We had to break down your door. Do you know what your name is? [The other EMTs have rolled in a gurney. They prepare to lift Stewart onto the gurney] 1st EMT: On my count. One, two, three. Up. (They lift Stewart onto the gurney) We're taking you to the hospital. [Stewart appears to be agitated] Stewart: No, I can't — no. No, I can't… [Getting even more upset, Stewart rolls himself off of the gurney] EMT: Hey, buddy. Buddy, we're trying to help. [The EMTs try to stop him, but Stewart runs back into his house and manages to close the front door. He collapses in front of it, blocking the entrance of the EMTs] 1st EMT: (talking from the other side of the door) Sir! Stewart: Stay out of my house! 1st EMT: (shouting through the door) You just had a seizure. You could have a stroke. A bleed in your brain. Stewart: (shouting) Leave me alone! OPENING CREDITS [Scene opens on Cameron, who is presenting a case to House and the team in the Diagnostics conference room. The team is sitting at the table. House is getting coffee] Cameron: 35-year-old male — crushing headache and three seizures in the last two days. House: So it's a bleed, clot, tumor, metabolic, or infection. Stick him in a CT. Cameron: Can’t. House: I'm assuming he has a giant head. Cameron: (holding up the file) Severe agoraphobe. The world scares the hell out of him. So we can only test him with whatever we can take to him. [House is now interested. He puts down his coffee and walks over to take the file from Cameron] House: Fun. Kutner: Agoraphobia a symptom? Cameron: Only of being sht. He and his girlfriend were mugged seven years ago. That's when it started. House: Anybody can hate humanity after getting sht. Takes a big man to hate it beforehand. Taub: How'd you get this case if he didn't come to the ER? Cameron: I talked to him through his door when he had flu last year. I run the community outreach program now. House: See? Perfectly reasonable explanation. She's definitely not here trying to work her way back on the team and steal your job or anything. Taub: It's a legitimate question. [House looks up to see Cuddy lurking outside the conference room window. She appears to be nervous] Cameron: He agreed to meet with us. But even if I can get inside his house, his brain is a black box. (House walks out into the hallway to talk to Cuddy) We can pick this up in a minute. House: (taking a file from Cuddy) What's this? [They are standing close to one another and talking quietly] Cuddy: Take-out menus. But I'm hoping you'll come up with a better answer when everyone asks what we're talking about. Last night — House: Forget it. Cuddy: I know this is awkward, but we need to talk. House: There's a reason that we've evolved a feeling of awkwardness. It tells us not to talk about things. Cuddy: I was emotional because of the adoption falling through. And you actually let your human side show for a moment. That is why we kissed. I just want to say thank you for not… taking advantage. House: You're welcome. Any time you want to stop kissing, I'm there for you. [Cuddy takes back the file and House goes back into the conference room] Cameron: Portable equipment can't distinguish a bleed or a tumor. Can't see vasculitis. Thirteen: What did Cuddy want? House: I kinda ht that last night, so now she's all on my jock. Thirteen: Wow! She looks pretty good for someone on roofies. Cameron: The only equipment we have is a sonogram and a portable X-ray. House: What part of olivine, pyroxene, and amphibole don't you understand? Kutner: Pyroxene. Pyro means "fre"… Cameron: They're indicator minerals. You can't see diamonds so you look for the indicator minerals. I assume the diamond is the tumor or bleed or whatever it is. Foreman: We provoke a seizure. The indicator is the increased electrical activity focused around the abnormality. We do an EEG, see the focus, see where the problem is, which tells us what the problem is. House: The Formster and the Camster. Kickin' it old school. (to Taub) Thank God she's not trying to steal your job. (to the team) Go do it. And search the home for toxins. [Cut to Taub, Thirteen, Kutner and Cameron standing in the entryway of Stewart’s house. Cameron is talking to him through a locked interior door] Stewart: I agreed to talk, not let you in. Cameron: You could be very sick. We need access. Stewart: I'm just not ready. Taub: Why does he have two locked doors? Thirteen: He must use this room as an airlock. Deliveries in. Garbage out. He never has to go outside. Cameron: Just tell us when you are. We're not going away. Kutner: Seriously? Thirteen: You want her to admit that all he has to do is ignore us for a few minutes and we'll take off? Kutner: He was sht. Girlfriend klled. He probably has post traumatic stress disorder. He doesn't believe in a just universe. He doesn't trust anyone. Give him some honesty. Cameron: (to Stewart) I shouldn’t have implied we can wait forever. We've got a whole hospital full of patients. We can give you a few minutes. But eventually, if you don't let us in, we're gonna have to leave. Stewart: Just one person comes in. Cameron: No. We've got to search the whole house for toxins. (pause) How about I examine you in one room and my colleagues will do the search? [Stewart unlocks the door and the team prepares to enter] [Cut to Stewart sitting up in his bed with an electronic apparatus with sensors and wires on his head] Cameron: I'm gonna try to provoke a seizure. I need you to look straight ahead, okay? [Cameron sits down on the bed beside Stewart. She is holding what is probably a strobe light of some kind] Cameron: You all right? Stewart: Yeah. Uh, I just, um, I haven't been in a room with anyone for a while. Um, can you just give me a second? Cameron: (getting off the bed) Sure. Stewart: You're the, uh, uh, person I talked to through the door last year, right? Cameron: Yeah. Stewart: You were, uh, you were nice… and smart. Kind of made me expect someone older. Cameon: I'm not that young. Must've been scary being sht. Stewart: (holding up his hand) Don't do that. Okay? You — you don't know me. (Cameron nods) I've got everything I want here. I — I — I make a lot of money writing tech manuals. I get stuff delivered. I work out. I see anything I want over the web. Um, I'm — I'm happy here. Cameron: You don't seem very happy. Stewart: Well, right now I'm not. [Cut to Wilson walking into House’s office. House is lounging comfortably in the Eames chair. He appears to be alseep] House: Go away. Wilson: (sighing) Did you speak to Cuddy last night? House: She's fine. Why would it take anyone more than a few hours to get over misplacing a baby? Wilson: You spoke to her? House: Kinda ht that. So she's all on my jock. Wilson: Wha — what? [House finally opens his eyes] House: (looking at Wilson) Huh. Everyone else thought I was kidding. Wilson: You ht? Like making out, or full-on sex or — [House is scratching his right hand] House: Got a chart laid out with all the bases. I'll take you through it. Wilson: Wh — what are you gonna do? House: What can I do? I'm going to ignore her for the rest of my life. This mosquito bite kept me awake. Wilson: Don't care about the bug bite. She's your boss. House: So now I have two reasons to ignore her. (still scratching) It was just a kiss. Wilson: There's a reason. House: Yes. Those large things in her bra. Wilson: You were hiding it from me, means it meant something to you. House: Yeah, I fiendishly concealed it within the phrase "I ht that." Wilson: Stop scratching. You'll draw blood. House: Finally you said something useful. If I actually break the skin, it'll let the poison out. [House gets up and heads toward his desk without his cane. His cell phone rings and he answers it] Wilson: If you… dated Cuddy… there would — [House holds up his finger to Wilson and rests the phone speaker on his shoulder] House: Sorry. I get better reception when you're not here. [Wilson silently protests, knowing that House is deflecting] House: (into the phone) What do you got? [Cameron, Taub, Thirteen, and Kutner are sitting around Stewart’s dining room table. The phone is in the middle of the table. They are using the speakerphone] Taub: His place is totally clean. No animals. No hidden drugs or alcohol. No lead in the paint. [Wilson leaves] House: And since you're not breathing hard, I assume you're not holding Cameron aloft in triumph. Which means no seizures. [House pushes the speakerphone button on his phone and puts it down on his desk. He sits down] House: Hey, speaking of breathing hard, Cameron, you engaged to Chase yet? Thirteen: Sorry, we should have clarified. We're calling about the patient, not Dr. Cameron’s love life. Cameron: We aren't engaged. (aside to Thirteen) Moves things along much faster to just give him the answers. (to House) Seizures can also be induced through — House: After six years? Cameron: A year and a half. Through sleep deprivation or — House: Sleep deprivation would take too long. You living together? [House is using tweezers on the bug bite on his hand] Cameron: We spend most nights together. There's a bunch of drugs that can lower a seizure threshold. House: And cloud the diagnosis with side effects. His place or yours? Cameron: His usually. House: Interesting. Cameron: You would've said interesting no matter what the answer. House: And no matter what the answer, it would've been interesting. No engagement. Commitment issues. His place, control issues. Not sure whose, but interesting. [House puts a small bandaid on his bite] Thirteen: Yeah, moves much faster this way. [House has finished treating his bite. He picks up his cell phone, taking it off speakerphone and puts it to his ear] House: Where was the patient when he had his first seizure? Taub: In his entry hallway getting his mail. House: Getting close to the outdoors, spooked him, raised his BP. Use that fear. Bring him outside. Kutner: He punched out a fireman. We're doctors, not bouncers. House: Okay. So bring the outside to him. [Cut to Stewart’s house in the evening. House enters with two men and a woman. He is giving them a tour of the house] House: Floors (tapping the floor with his cane), genuine wood. Taub: Why are they here? House: They overheard me announce the half price bank foreclosure in the ER waiting room. Where's everybody? Taub: Cameron’s with the patient. Uh, everybody else went home. House: Because they don't need to be here. Neither do you. And yet you are. House: (to his tour group) This way. Man in House’s tour group: Molding's original? House: Original? They were here before the house. (They enter Stewart’s bedroom) The shut-in's also original. Come on. Don't be shy. Cameron: House, get them out of here. House: Easy for you to say. You're not gonna be making some serious capital gains. Cameron: This is cruel. {Stewart looks anxious and appears to be in pain. He groans and rolls into a fetal position] House: And leaving him undiagnosed is what, altruistic? Procedure worked. He's seizing. What do you see? [The tour group has left] Cameron: Normal theta. Normal delta. This isn't a seizure. House: It's something. Cameron: (holding Stewart’s head) Mr. Nozick, are you okay? Stewart: Stomach's klling me. House: See? It's something. [Cut to a brief scene of Cameron performing a scan on Stewart’s upper abdomen and then to Stewart’s living room where House, Cameron and the team are examining the scan results and running a new differential] Kutner: Partial small bowel obstruction. House: Blockage explains the pain. What explains the blockage plus seizures? Thirteen: Atrial fibrillation throwing emboli. Taub: Crohn's causing an abscess. Foreman: Could be a million things. There's no way to know unless we get him in for an MRI on his head or exploratory surgery so we can biopsy his bowels, which he won't let us do. House: Wouldn't. Pain changes things. [House gets up and heads toward Stewart’s bedroom] Cameron: House. [House throws open Stewart’s bedroom door and moves to the foot of the bed] Cameron: (following House) He told you to stay out of here. House: He can chase me out once he's done doubling up in agony. House: (to Stewart) Whatever your big problem is, it's caused a complication we call "colon FOS." "Fo," full of. Since we're in mixed company, "S" is stool. Nothing's coming out. So the pain's gonna get worse and worse. We need to stick a pooper scooper in you. We also need to take a look at your bowel. Stewart: I made my wishes clear. House: Uh-huh, and if the crazy fairy were here, she could grant them. Stewart: I'm not insane. I — I feel pain when I go outside. So it — it's rational to avoid that pain. House: Except now you're feeling pain inside. Stewart: Not as bad. Nowhere near. Cameron: We can give him drugs for the blockage. House: And if it doesn't work? That blockage will rupture your intestines, spew sewage throughout your body. Whatever you're scared of out there, aren't you more scared of death? Stewart: You obviously can't stand people. But for me, it's worse. All right? I'd rather die in here than live out there. House: If you don't mind floppy hair and an annoying accent, I know a surgeon who will operate in your home. Stewart: Thank you. [House and Cameron leave the bedroom and walk into the front entryway] Cameron: With the risk of infection, Chase won't actually — House: He's not gonna do surgery in some crazy dude's house. Cameron: You just said — House: What I said was that Chase would put him under at the house, we'd take him to the hospital, open him up, do our thing, then slip him back into his room for the post-op without him ever finding out that we tricked him. Some of that was implied. Cameron: It's unethical. House: He'll be asleep. Cameron: He gets to make his own calls even if he's asleep. House: Why are you siding with him? (He puts his hand on his chin as if genuinely asking a question) Oh, yeah, you're that girl who likes broken people because her husband died. And since Chase isn’t all that broken — Cameron: Hey, why don't we operate on his infarcted leg while we're at it? Who cares if he said no. House: I was risking my life to avoid becoming a cripple. He's doing it to avoid sunlight and fresh air. Cameron: We've got to make it look good. [Cut to the makeshift operating theater that the team has constructed in Stewart’s home. Stewart is on the operating table. Chase is there and Stewart thinks they are going to perform the operation] Stewart: (grabbing Cameron’s hand) I know I'm a pain in the ass. I know it would have been easy just to walk away, but… You're a good person. [Cameron looks like she is having doubts about the deception. Stewart obviously trusts her] [Chase administers the anesthesia] Chase: Count down from 10. Stewart: 10, 9, 8… Chase: Let's go! [Foreman and Kutner come in and they all prepare to move Stewart to the hospital] [Cut to Wilson sitting down at Cuddy’s table in the hospital cafeteria] Wilson: How you doin'? Cuddy: Better. Wilson: Great. Everything else good? Cuddy: Uh, everything involving me kissing House is good. Oh, God, you dragged it out of me, you're a genius. It's no big deal. I was feeling vulnerable. He's a friend. And I leaned on him. Wilson: It's funny. I've leaned on friends in the past. Never leaned so far my tongue fell into their mouths. Cuddy: I don't think of House that way. I never have. Wilson: Why not? Cuddy: You know exactly how it would go. It'd start off exciting. We'd get caught up in the novelty and the hostility and the forbiddenness. And then we'd realize that the flirty hostility is just hostility and his inability to open up is no longer exciting, it’s just frustrating. And then it’s the inevitable blowup and the recriminations and we don’t talk for two months… Wilson: Yeah. Well, it certainly proves you've never thought about House that way. Cuddy: I get your point. I will be more careful with my tongue in the future. Wilson: That's not my point. Maybe novelty and hostility and forbiddenness doesn't have to end bad. Cuddy: (Cuddy’s pager vibrates and she glances at it) Gotta go. [Cut to Chase and Cameron wheeling Stewart’s gurney down a hospital corridor] Chase: What time you done? We could try that new sushi place next to my house. Cameron: Why don't we stay at my house tonight? Chase: We always stay at mine. Cameron: That's what I mean. We — we used to split it. What happened? Chase: I don't know. Closer to work. Cameron: By five minutes. And my house doesn't look like it was decorated by a drunk rugby player. Cameron: Well, we can discuss it. I hadn't really — Chase: Why does it have to be a discussion? Can't you just stay over? [Cuddy appears and stops their progress down the hallway] Cuddy: You do know they page me when that much surgical equipment is signed out. [Cut to a hospital room. Cuddy, Chase, and Cameron are talking about Stewart. House is present also, but is sitting in a chair off to one side as if not really a participant] Cuddy: He didn't consent. Cameron: He consented to the surgery. You think he's gonna sue over where? Chase: He won't even know where. He'll wake up in his house. He won't know a thing about what happened. Cuddy: Until he catches a post-surgical infection in his dirty apartment and finds out we tricked him and winds up owning the hospital. Cameron: (to House) Why aren't you arguing with her? House: Because she's right. I don't care where he gets the post-op, just that he gets it. Keep him here. [Chase and Cameron wheel Stewart out of the room. House gets up to follow them when Cuddy stops him] Cuddy: House. You okay? House: Yes. We don't need to talk. Cuddy: Your hand. House: (House looks down at his bandaged hand) That's weird. I usually don't get the stigmata until Easter. [Cut to the OR where Cameron is preparing Stewart for surgery] Cameron: (to a nurse) Please tell Dr. Chase the patient's ready for him now. (She puts something in his IV) Stewart, wake up. It's Dr. Cameron. If you can hear me, blink. (Stewart blinks) We were concerned for your safety so we brought you to the hospital. (Stewart looks anxious) No, it's okay. Stewart: Why — why? Cameron: It's okay. Stewart: Why — why? Cameron: I just wanted to keep you informed. I didn't want you to have a bad shock while you were recovering from surgery. Stewart: Gotta get outta of here. [Stewart is becoming agitated] Cameron: It's okay, Stewart. Calm down. Calm down. Stewart. Stewart, I’m gonna sedate you. I'm gonna sedate you. Stewart: No! [Stewart is now highly agitated and trying to get off the table] Cameron: Calm down. I need some help in here! Damn it! Somebody get in here! [Stewart has ripped out his IV line and blood is gushing everywhere. Chase appears, puts gauze on the gushing wound, and holds Stewart down so Cameron can sedate him] Chase: What did you do? [Short sht of Stewart being wheeled away on a gurney. Cut to Cuddy’s office where Chase and Cameron are standing in front of her desk. House is standing in back, near the doors, scratching his hand] Cuddy: Well done. Your patient called his lawyer, thrat to sue us. He's now heading home completely undiagnosed. House: He'll soon be on his way back. He's sick. He'll crash. He'll lose consciousness. (House continues to scratch his bug bite) I'll declare an emergency, bring him back in. Cuddy: Not anymore you won’t. His lawyer now holds his health care proxy. The next time we have an emergency, Larry Ruseckas, esquire, will be calling the shts. Cameron: I made the right call. If he'd flipped out after major surgery, it would've been worse. Cuddy: The benefit of being boss is that I don't have to argue. You're all off the case. Cameron: (softly) Whaaa? [Cameron looks back at House expecting him to say something. Instead, he opens the door and leaves. Cameron follows him. Chase follows also, lagging behind. They walk out of the clinic and into the main lobby] Cameron: What's going on between you and Cuddy? House: Bad lovin' gone bad. Cameron: Seriously. Why didn’t you argue with her? She just threw us off the case. House: Because ignoring her is a lot easier. Convince the patient to let us back in again. See if you can clear his blockage with lactulose. If this thing kills him before we can diagnose, it won't be fun anymore. [They have reached the elevator. House steps on, pushes the button, and the doors close. Cameron turns back to Chase] Cameron: Okay. Chase: You gonna keep working on this? Cameron: Yeah. I brought in the case. [She starts walking down a hallway. Chase follows her] Chase: There is no case. He's gone. You've been tossed. This is totally nuts. Cameron: He's incredibly sick. We don't know — Chase: Forget about the patient. What is going on with you? This is why we left House's team to avoid this constant flood of pure craziness. Cameron: That's why I left House. You got fired. [Chase stops and lets her go] [Cut to Cameron standing outside Stewart’s inner locked door, pleading with him to let her in] Cameron: I'm sorry. I know I let you down. But you know who else I let down, pretty much everyone who's important to me. My boss, my old boss, my boyfriend. (pause) I did that for you. I'm not gonna let you down again. [Stewart unlocks the door and lets her in] [Cut to a clinic exam room. House is rummaging in a cabinet. Wilson walks in and shuts the door] Wilson: It's like the red badge of idiocy. House: If the confederacy had mosquitoes, we'd all have southern accents and I'd be paying Foreman less. [House peels off his old bandaid] Wilson: She kicked you off the case. This is what happens when you don't address it. She acts weird, things get different. House: You understand that different implies difference. She's tossed me a million times before. Wilson: No, she always chastises you. And you'd always come running to me to complain. So you're acting different too. You're scared. You are scared to get involved. House: How is that scary? It's rational. Emotionally mature people who work together should not date. Guaranteed breakup. Guaranteed ugliness. [Although it is not shown, it seems apparent that House is putting some kind of antiseptic on his bite] Wilson: Any relationship that doesn't end in a breakup ends in death. Everything falls apart in the end. That's your worldview. The corollary, which you keep forgetting, is that you have to grab any chance for happiness. House: Why does this matter so much to you? Cuddy and I are fine. The only person getting worked up here is you. [House is putting a larger bandaid on his bite, presumably because the wound has gotten bigger as he has scratched it] Wilson: I don't want you to be fine. I want you to be happy. I think if you dated her — House: Are you familiar with he adverb "vicariously?” Wilson: If I wanted to ask her out — House: You did ask her out. Last year. Whatever happened there? Wilson: I don't know. I wasn't interested. House: Wrong. You were interested. But Amber grabbed your genitals first. But now you're single, and that makes you miserable because you think it's too So you're gonna make me miserable. Please, get a girlfriend, or a life, or something. For me. [House opens the exam room door and exits, leaving Wilson to wonder how House was able to turn the discussion around to focus on him] [Cut to House walking into his office. He is talking on his cell phone. He glances into the conference room as he enters] House: Better or worse? Cameron: Worse. Drugs aren't working. I think we should do the surgery in his house like we planned. House: Well, then one of us wasn’t paying attention because I thought that surgery thing was just a trick. Cameron: We prepared the room. We hung the drapes. It's probably ten times as sterile as any mobile operating theater you'd find in a bttlefield. [Cameron is in Stewart’s bedroom. Stewart is curled up in his bed] House: We still need Trapper John. Cameron: Chase doesn't want anywhere near this surgery. Maybe you could talk to him. House: I can't understand a word he says. [House looks into the conference room where Taub is sitting at the table] House: Taub. Doing anything later? [Cut to the makeshift operating theater in Stewart’s house. Taub is performing the operation. Cameron and House are present also, as is Stewart’s lawyer] Taub: (to Kutner) Blood in the field. Not where I'm looking. Kutner: How am I supposed to know where you're looking? Taub: Here's a hint. It's the bloody part. Kutner: The whole thing's bloody. It's a guy with a hole in his body. Taub: It's like you've never done this before. Use the suction. Kutner: I will. And in fact I’ve never done this before because I went to med school, not nurse school. House: (to the lawyer) Hey, wanna see if your client's actually made of money? Taub: Cutting out last piece of bowel. (He puts a piece of the bowel in a glass dish which Cameron is holding at the ready. She hands it to House who puts it under the microscope) Taub: Suture. House: (looking into the microscope) Mucosa's pink. Flattened villi. Cameron: Intestinal atrophy. It's Whipple's disease. House: Explains the seizure and the stomach pain. Taub: Little bleeder here. Cautering. [House looks up from the microscope realizing that something is wrong] House: Hey, wait. The gas — [The open would bursts into flame. House grabs an instrument from the tray and uses it to put out the flames in Stewart’s bowel] House: (to the lawyer) That always happens during surgery. Just the gas build up in the blockage. Nothing to sue about. (to the team) Treat him for the burns. Put him on antibiotics for the Whipple’s. He'll be fine. [Cut to Chase entering Stewart’s house. He pulls a cup of coffee out of a brown paper bag and hands it to Cameron. Cameron is sitting on the couch updating Stewart’s file] Cameron: That's nice of you. [They kiss. Chase pulls another cup out of the bag for himself and sits down on the couch beside Cameron] Chase: He doing good? Cameron: Uh, burns are healing fine. He's sab otherwise. Chase: Good. So, uh, I could stay at your place tonight if you'd like. Cameron: I can’t. Chase: Well, you're not gonna sleep here, again. Cameron: You might have noticed the lack of nurses. Chase: Because you're not on the case. You can't really use that as an excuse… Stewart: (calling from the bedroom) Dr. Cameron! Cameron: Wait here. [Cameron runs into Stewart’s bedroom] Cameron: Your stomach? Stewart: My legs are numb. I can't feel them at all. [Cut to the team gathered in Stewart’s living room. They are on the phone with House who is sitting in his office, his feet on his desk, tossing his red and gray ball into the air. He has his speakerphone on as does the team] Cameron: New symptom. Peripheral neuropathy. Got worse on antibiotics. It's not Whipple's. Kutner: Porphyria. Thirteen: Liver's fine. Amyloidosis. Taub: We would've seen it on the intestines. Foreman: What did we see on the intestines? Pink mucosa, flattened villi. It's not Whipple’s, it's gotta be celiac. Wheat allergy means she's not absorbing nutrients. Explains the seizures, stomach, and now the nerves. Cameron: We should run a blood test for celiac. House: Not fast enough. Not accurate enough. (He stops tossing the ball) Force-feed him wheat then do an endoscopy as it hits his duodenum. See if there's an allergic reaction. Taub: His guts just exploded. It might be a tad painful to make him eat. Cameron: That's House's point. There's nothing diagnostic about it. He's trying to put the patient in pain, force him to come in. Foreman: It is a valid test. Cameron: So is the blood test, which is painless. House: Foreman, listen to that little voice in your head that's coming from the telephone. (speaking directly into his cell phone on the desk) Force-feed him. Cameron: Don’t. You know House. You know I'm right. Foreman: We'll do both tests. [Cameron reluctantly gets up to go do the tests] [Cut to Wilson entering Cuddy’s office. He knocks on the door as he enters. Cuddy appears to be looking for a file. She is standing] Wilson: I'm not here to play matchmaker. Cuddy: (finding the file she was looking for) Okay. Wilson: House basically… Well, he accused me of being interested in you. Cuddy: (picking up a stack of files from her desk) Oh, he's just trying to change the subject. Wilson: I know. But I do have… I've always… had… some feelings for you. Cuddy: Are you saying you want to date me? Wilson: No. I — I — it wouldn’t be fair to House and it's too soon after Amber. Cuddy: (walking around to the front of her desk) But you thought you should just say it. Wilson: Yeah. I thought you should know. Cuddy: Let's have dinner tomorrow night. Wilson: Okay. Cuddy: Or maybe it would be better if we just… had sex. Wilson: Pardon me? Cuddy: In front of House's office. I mean, I don't want to take any chances. (moving closer to Wilson) I assume the point of this is to make him jealous and make him realize that he does want a relationship with me? Wilson: Yes. You think it'll work? Cuddy: You're an idiot. Trust me. Everybody will be happier if House and I aren't dating. [She kisses him on the cheek and leaves her office] {Cut to Stewart’s bedroom where he is eating something out of a bowl. Cameron is sitting in a chair across from him] Stewart: You sure this is the best test? Cameron: No. But you've kind of tied our hands. Soon as this hits your intestines, I'll look at it through an endoscope. Stewart, I know you don't want to talk about this, but… People who get sht often get PTSD. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's very treatable with drugs and therapy. Stewart: It's not PTSD. My girlfriend was with me when I got sht. She died. Cameron: I'm sorry. But that's what I mean. I lost someone myself. I know it's traumatic. Stewart: No, what — what — what I'm trying to say is that… I was like this before the shting. Since I was a kid. Everything was hard for me. I — I didn't go out that much. And — and when I did… Panic attcks. Like physical pain. No, it was, like, worse. It was like I was dying. Then I met Angela. She was the only reason that I ever wanted to go out. But then she died. [Stewart puts a napkin to his mouth and groans] [Cut to Taub working in the lab. House enters] Taub: Blood test will be done soon. [House picks up the vile of blood and spills it onto the floor] Taub: I'm guessing that's a new technique. House: Hey, you remember that idea that Cameron had about trying to trture the patient into admitting himself? Taub: Pretty sure it was your idea. You want me to slow down the test? House: Wow. Everyone's got all these great ideas today. (pause) So you're thinking patient won't leave because leaving causes pain, so we gotta make staying more painful. That actually makes sense. Taub: You'll increase his pain, but not enough to make a difference. He's on morphine. House: He's on morphine now. Pretty soon he'll be on less-phine. 'Cause when you restock, you'll actually be giving Cameron IV bags of saline. Taub: And why do you think I’ll be doing this? House: Same reason you did the surgery. Taub: That was because it was an emergency. House: No. It was because your marriage is falling apart. When you confess adultery, things tend to go bad. When one part of your life does a Titanic, you make a life raft out of whatever's left, which makes your job more significant, which is why you did the surgery, why you pulled an all-nighter, and why you'll do this. [House starts to leave but stops when Taub speaks again] Taub: (looking over his shoulder at House) She's having me sleep on the couch. Just for a few nights. I'm not doing this to save my job. I'm doing this to save his life. House: (looking back at Taub) Right. That's what we'll tell everyone. [He winks and leaves] [Cut to House’s apartment where, with instructions in hand, he is adjusting a large green machine with the label “Skeeter Trapper” on the side. The machine looks like a large tnk and has numerous knobs and hoses. The buzzing of an insect can be heard. As House turns on the machine, a label reading “Propane Outdoor” can be seen on a smaller tnk at the top of the machine. House sits back, waiting for something to happen, but than he sees a mosquito buzzing around the machine. House gets up, rolls up the instruction sheets and takes a whack at the mosquito, which has landed on one of the knobs. He does not ht the mosquito, but he does disconnect the propane hose from the tnk, a fact, of which he is unaware. House follows the mosquito into the kitchen, trying to ht it with the rolled up instructions a few more times along the way. He sees the mosquito on one of the stove knobs, and again takes a whack at it, turning on the burner in the process. Again, he is unaware of what he has just done. He turns back to the living room, still following the mosquito. He sees the disconnected hose on the propane tnk, glances back and sees the lit burner on the stove, looks at the propane tnk one more time, and finally realizes the situation he is in] House: (looking more curious than alarmed) Huh. [Cut to the front of House’s apartment which looks normal for about one second and then there is a huge explsin as propane meets fre] [Quick cut to House jerking awake from his dream just as his apartment explodes. He looks around, and realizing that it was only a dream, sighs and puts his head back down on his pillow in relief] [Cut to audio of persistent knocking and a visual of a disheveled Wilson answering his door in the middle of the night. He looks through the peephole and then unlocks and opens his door. House is standing in the hallway, cane still raised to knock and clutching his coat closed at the chest as if he is cold] House: Buzzzzzzz. [House walks into the apartment and heads right for the kitchen] Wilson: Have you considered that it's not my place you really want to be walking into right now? House: Rick Ocasek would kll me if I — oh, you mean Cuddy. Wilson: Yeah, she's a little nuts. But she's beautiful, smart, funny, and most important, she can stand you. House: Yeah. I came here to have you lecture me on Cuddy, not because there's a kller mosquito chasing me around my apartment. Wilson: House, there is no mosquito. This is all about Cuddy. [House has gotten himself a glass of water at the kitchen sink. He takes a drink and turns back toward the living room] House: Ah, she's bugging me. Poetic. Wilson: Have you seen this bug? House: (pointing to his hand) Have you seen this bite? Wilson: No. What I've seen is a suppurating wound that you've scratched and mutilated into a gangrenous state. Delusional parasitosis. [House sits down on the sofa] House: I am not imagining things. [House puts the glass of water on the coffee table, and pops a Vicodin] Wilson: House, you're a drug addict. You're always imagining things. You got bitten the night you kissed her. Your itching always gets worse when you think about her. You need to address this. House: She's my boss. [House makes himself comfortable, lying down on the sofa] Wilson: No, you're not afraid of authority. You're afraid she actually is right for you. You're afraid to take a chance because it's too big a chance. If it doesn't work with her, then maybe there’s no one out there. House: I am not rationalizing. I'm better off alone. Also, you seen her ass recently? Wilson: You're not staying here. House: Oh, come on. Wilson: No. You can go home. (He pushes House off the sofa) Or you're going to Cuddy's, (House gets up and moves toward the front door) gonna ring her doorbell… And you're gonna ask her out on a date (He pats House on the back) like regular people do. House: At 3:00 in the morning? When do regular people sleep? Wilson: (pushing House out the door) Buh-bye. (Wilson closes his door) [Transition sht to a door opening as House enters Stewart’s bedroom. Stewart is asleep in his bed. Cameron is sleeping in an easy chair near the foot of the bed] House: Is he in enough pain to come in yet? Cameron: (sleepily) No. Antibody tests back? House: Inconclusive. Cameron: Then why are you here? House: I missed you. Endoscopy? Cameron: Inconclusive. House: Well, then do it again. [She gets up to do the test] Cameron: (Stewart groans) I know it sucks, but I need to test your stomach again. Stewart: (groaning) It's really hurting. Cameron: I know. I'm sorry. Try to get you on your back and have you open your mouth. Stewart: I can't… [Cameron tries to roll Stewart over on his back but he loses consciousness and she drops his back onto the bed] Cameron: He's out. [Machines start beeping. House moves to the bed, feeling for a pulse] Cameron: Anything? House: No pulse. (pulling his phone from his pocket) Start CPR. Cameron: Get the paddles. Get the paddles! [House is dialing his cell phone. Cameron pulls the pillow from beneath Stewart’s head] Cameron: Who are you calling? House: Pizza. You like anchovies? I'm calling the lawyer. (House tucks his phone under his chin and starts CPR) Genuine emergency. He'll okay admission. Cameron: He's dying. House: Exactly. (to the lawyer) Hi. Sorry to wake you. Your introvert is having a heart attck. Cameron: (preparing the defibrillator) House, if we don't restart his heart… House: (still talking to the lawyer) He can survive 15 minutes on oxygen and CPR. We can get him to the hospital in five. (to Cameron) Lawyer says yes. Continue CPR. [Cameron is ready to shock Stewart. House has dialed 911] House: 2123 Holden Green. Patient with PEA. Cameron: Clear. House: Wait! [Cameron shocks Stewart] Cameron: I got a pulse. Cancel the ambulance. He's sab enough to stay here. [Cut to a brief sht of Taub in Stewart’s bedroom and then to Stewart’s living room, where House, Cameron and the rest of the team are running a new differential] Foreman: His heart's back to sinus rhythm, but it's bradycardic. Taub's putting in a temporary pacemaker. It'll keep his heart beating for now. House: Hey, Cameron, how would you like your old job back? I'm asking 'cause it’s the only way I can fre you. Cameron: Sorry. In the ER, we like to actually resuscitate dying people, not just let them flop around. Kutner: Could be lymphoma. House: We'd have seen it on the abdomen. It has to be a poison. Kutner: Organophosphates. Thirteen: We checked the place over and over. It's completely clean. Kutner: There where rose petals in the front entry. Foreman: Unless he's eating a bouquet a day, he couldn't — House: How clean? Thirteen: Very. He probably has a little OCD. [House turns quickly and heads toward the bedroom door] [Cut to House entering the bedroom. Taub is still with Stewart] House: (to Stewart) How often do you wash your tub? Stewart: Every couple days. House: Bleach and ammonia? Stewart: Yeah. [House nods to Taub, who follows him out into the living room, closing the bedroom door behind him] [Cut back to the living room] House: You know how kids play toy soldiers in the bath? He likes to re-enact the battle of Ypres three times a week with real gas. Kutner: Ammonia and bleach makes chlorine gas. Foreman: Highly fat soluble. He lost weight after the stomach pain. Explains why his symptoms kept getting worse. House: Put him on parenteral steroids and sodium bicarbonate. Taub: Even if you're right, that external pacemaker's gonna fail eventually. And I don't have the skills to put in a permanent one. House: Well, maybe the poison hasn’t completely sht his heart. And you won't have to feel guilty for the rest of your life. [Cut to Chase and Cameron sitting in the main lobby of PPTH. Chase is holding Stewart’s file] Chase: How am I gonna place the leads in the exact spot on the right ventricle without fluoroscopy? The force? Cameron: Taub put in the temporary one. Chase: You can do that playing pin the tail on the donkey. Permanent pacemakers need precision. Cameron: So we can use the portable X-ray. Chase: It's not real time. Cameron: Sonogram. Chase: And what happens when I put him into v-tach because the sonogram isn't precise enough? Cameron: He's dying. Chase: Exactly why I don’t want to be the one to kll him. Cameron: (sourly) Thanks. [Cameron gets up, Chase follows her, and she turns to face him] Chase: You knew I'd have to say no. But you came anyway. You just wanted a reason to be angry at me. If there's something wrong between us, then — Cameron: Forget it. (She starts to leave again) Chase: You know why we spend nights at my house? (Cameron stops and looks at him with her arms crossed over her chest) Because when we spend them at yours… I could tell you didn't want me there. Cameron: Why would I keep inviting you over if I didn’t want you there? Chase: You always kicked me out every morning. You never offered me a drawer. You never cleared out your closet for me. I was just a visitor. Cameron: How long have you felt like this? Chase: From the start. [Chase moves closer to her and takes her hand in his] Chase: I know it's hard for you because you lost your husband, but. (pause) I can't keep chasing you forever. [Chase hands Cameron the file and walks away] [Cut to House sleeping in the Eames chair in his office. Its dark ouside. His ringing phone wakes him up. He answers it] Cameron: (calling from Stewart’s house) I just tried your house. Where are you? House: Clubbing. Good or bad? Cameron: Bad. Vitals are dropping. The abdominal pain keeps getting worse. House: Means we were too late with the treatment. Tell the lawyer he’s off the clock. We're done. Cameron: You're giving up? House: Call Taub. Tell him to pick up some morphine. (He sits up) There's no need for the patient to be in pain. Cameron: He's on morphine. House: No. He's on saline. Cameron: I figured you put him on saline so I switched him back to morphine. [The bandaid on House’s right hand is clearly visible in this scene] House: I love you. When you reach puberty, give me — (House has his epiphany) His abdominal pain. That was on morphine? [House gets out of the chair and grabs the scan of Stewart’s abdomen from his desk] Cameron: Yes. Is there something that causes abdominal pain that doesn't respond to morphine? [House puts the scan on the lightboard and turns it on] House: I was right. He is being poisoned. [Cut to House entering Stewart’s bedroom. He pulls the scan from an envelope and hands it to Cameron] House: What's this density on his hip? Cameron: (looking at the scan) Just bone. House: Think less boney. [House is putting on latex gloves] Cameron: You think he's got lead poisoning? House: Explains the constipation, the nerves, the seizures. Hold him down. [Cameron opens Stewart’s pajama top to expose his chest and holds him by the shoulders] House: (to Stewart) You're not gonna feel a thing… Except excruciating pain. [House makes an incision in Stewart’s right side, just above his waist. Stewart groans in agony. He takes a couple of bllet fragments out of the wound and drops them in a metal bowl] House: The mugger used hollow points. They exploded and left fragments. Your doctors missed a couple hiding behind your hipbone. It's no biggie. Except years later, they started to dissolve, and then, biggie, you started to dissolve. [Cut to a visual of bllts entering flesh. The bllts break up; some fragments moving further into the body than others] Cameron: I'll start him on chelation. The agoraphobia, could it — House: No. Lead wouldn't have started to disintegrate till years after. Cameron: But it could have exacerbated the fear. Stewart: I don't need to change. Cameron: I know you think that. But your life could be better. You — you — you’d have choices. [House has picked up his cane and is now looking around Stewart’s bedroom] House: He's lying. Cameron: About what? House: About everything. About his life. He doesn't even think he's happy here. He's miserable. Stewart: I've got everything I need. House: Yeah? Well, then why did Taub find rose petals in your entry hallway? Struck me as a little weird. Thought it might be medically relevant. But it actually just told me that you were pathetic. The day you crashed in your entryway… Was your girlfriend’s birthday. (He picks up a framed photograph) You weren't there for the mail. You were trying to go lay flowers on her grave. (House holds up the photo, which is obviously a picture of Stewart and his girlfriend) House: Yeah, he's got PTSD. Yeah, he's agoraphobic. He's also a coward. You want to change your life, do something. Don't believe your own rationalizations. Don't lock yourself up and pretend you're happy. [House, looking like he has had a realization, leaves the room] [Cut to an aerial sht of PPTH at night and then an interior sht of Chase pulling a canned drink out of the refrigerator in the doctor’s lounge. Cameron enters] Cameron: Hi. Chase: Hi. Cameron: You were right. About my husband. It affected me. It still affects me. Chase: If you're saying you'll never be able to — Cameron: I cleaned out a drawer for you. Like a big one. [Chase smiles] [Cut to House’s apartment. He is sitting on the sofa playing his acoustic guitar. He stops to tune a string, and the mosquito lands on his left hand. He carefully places the guitar across his lap and is about to kll the mosquito, when he pauses and looks intently at both of his hands. The bandaid is still visible on his right hand, the mosquito is on his left hand. He holds both of his hands in front of himself for a moment as if seeing something clearly for the first time, than he sighs and gently blows the mosquito off his hand. The mosquito flies away. House leans the guitar against the couch, gets up quickly, grabs his keys and his jacket and hurries out of the apartment, forgetting his cane] [The rest of the scenes are set to background music of “I’m in Love With a Girl” by Alex Chilton] [Cut to an evening sht of the street in front of Cuddy’s house. House pulls up on his motorcycle.] [Cut to a brief close-up of Stewart standing in front of his inner door, and looking extremely anxious] [Back to Cuddy’s street. House has turned of his motorcycle. He is gripping his leg and limping up Cuddy’s front walk] [Back to Stewart, who is very hesitantly walking toward his front door] [Cut to Chase putting his clothes in a drawer in Cameron’s dresser. Cameron is sitting on the bed. He tosses some socks at her. She tosses them back toward the drawer. They both look happy] [Brief sht of House limping up Cuddy’s front steps] [Back to Stewart who is now standing directly in front of his front door] [Cut to Taub and Rachel’s apartment. Taub is asleep on the sofa. Rachel approaches and sits down on the sofa, waking Taub. Rachel lays down on the sofa with her husband, who puts his arms around her and hugs her hard] [Back to Stewart, who puts his hand on the door handle and opens the door] [Back to House. He is now on Cuddy’s porch. He looks through the window and sees Cuddy sitting in her living room drinking something out of a cup and looking content and relaxed. He just stands there watching her] [Back to Stewart. He stands on his front porch and smiles tentatively, as if he now knows that he will be able to finally leave his house] [Back to House, who looks down and than back at Cuddy sitting comfortably in her living room] [Brief sht of Stewart starting down his front walk] [Back to House. He shakes his head discouragingly, as if he, unlike Stewart, knows that he will not be able to accomplish what he set out to do] [Back to Stewart walking, if not confidently, at least deliberately, down his front walk] [Back to House, looking miserable, as he turns and starts back down Cuddy’s front walkway] [Cut to Stewart still walking out of his house] {Back to House, clutching his leg and limping slowly down the steps at the bottom of Cuddy’s front walk] [Cut to Stewart who has reached the sidewalk and now turns to the right, free of his agoraphobia at last] [The last sht is of House limping across the street toward his motorcycle] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x07 - The Itch"}	foreverdreaming
[Scene opens in a factory. A factory worker (Doug) alternates between loading large sheets of metal onto a conveyer belt and making sure they are being fed correctly into a stamping/shaping machine. Another factory worker (Maria) is trying to talk to him as he works. It is noisy, they are speaking very loudly. They are wearing hardhats] Maria: We're starting a fund. Doug: Then you don't need me. Maria: The man's injured. He can't work. Doug: His fault. Maria: We're family. We depend on each other. Doug: We're not family. We're co-workers. He's not even that anymore. Maria: I can't believe you just said that. [A young woman (Sophia) approaches. She is appears to be in charge] Sophia: Can't come between a man and his beer money. See the big, heavy machinery? Maria: I'm sorry, but he should give. You gave. Sophia: (to Maria) Go back to work. (Maria leaves, ostensively to go back to work) Sophia: Paolo is the one who got you off the night shift. Doug: It's not like I asked him. [He moves away from Sophia to the other side of the stamping machine] Sophia: Also covered for you Labor Day weekend. But hey, it's America. If you don't want to contribu — (She seems to be in pain) If you don't want to cont — [The camera cuts to a microscopic view of Sophia’s heart. Sophia clutches her heart and collapses onto the conveyer belt. She is writhing in pain as the conveyer belt moves her closer to the stamping machine. Her hard hat falls off and is crushed by the machine] Doug: (looking up and seeing Sophia lying on the moving conveyer belt) Oh, gosh! [He immediately shuts down the conveyer belt] Doug: (yelling) Get an ambulance. [Sophia is thrashing around and has pink foam coming out of her mouth] OPENING CREDITS [Scene opens at PPTH. House (wearing his coat and carrying his backpack) is just getting off the elevator as Wilson is getting on] Wilson: Good morning. House: Don't wanna hear it. [House steps into the hallway and Wilson prevents the door from closing so he can talk to House] Wilson: So I take it you did not ask Cuddy out. House: Yeah. (He stops and pulls his Vicodin bottle from his pocket) Wilson: Yeah "I didn't" or yeah "I did"? House: Whichever one means you almost had me convinced it was a good idea. Wilson: Oh. (He lets go of the elevator door, which starts to close. House prevents it from closing with his cane] House: Nothing to say? Wilson: No. House: No, you don't. Or no, you don't don't? Wilson: Whichever one means no. [The elevator door starts to close again, and again House stops it with his cane] House: Is this some kind of reverse — ? Wilson: No. (A buzzer starts going off in the elevator) Wilson: House? (House reluctantly lets the elevator door close) [House, looking puzzled, pops the Vicodin] [Cut to House entering the conference room, his team is already present] Kutner: 16-year-old girl with fluid in her lungs. No previous trauma, lung, or cardiac issues. Gram stain was negative. No bacteria, no pneumonia. [House tosses his backpack into his office and turns back to the team] Taub: She's a factory worker. Means she probably works close to a lot of recent immigrants. [House drops his cane noisily onto the table in front of Thirteen, who looks preoccupied, and takes off his coat. Thirteen moves the cane out of her way] House: Thank God some of those offshore sweat shop jobs are coming back to America. (He hangs his coat on the coatrack) Kutner: She's an emancipated minor. House: In a factory? Either an Olympic gymnast who busted her leg, a child star who blew all her sequel money on drugs, or she's just a lying runaway. [Thirteen finally looks up and House picks his cane up off the table and goes to the kitchen area to get some coffee] Kutner: Her parents died last year. No relatives. To avoid foster care, she got a GED and got emancipated. Taub: Could have picked up a parasite from a co-worker. Foreman: She'd be having GI problems. Pregnancy's more likely. Sparks a fluid overload, hits the lungs, causes the pulmonary edema. Kutner: Her history says she's not sexually active. Foreman: And our history says she could be lying. Kutner: But not every teenager is having sex. Foreman: But every teenager is stupid. Teenagers on their own are stupider. Kutner: The girl's holding down a job, makes her rent. House: (preparing his coffee) On the one hand, Kutner’s right. Maybe she's a sweet young thing, not a screw-up lying through her teeth. On the two hand, a pregnancy test only takes five minutes, and we no longer kll rabbits. So in conclusion, shut up, do the tests. What else? Thirteen: Drugs could damage the heart. Pressure imbalance allows fluid to build up in the lungs. Kutner: Tox screen's clean. Thirteen: For drugs used recently. Not for drugs used before recently. Kutner: 16 doesn't automatically mean a risky lifestyle. House: Didn't we just have this conversation? Kutner trusts her. Someone else doesn't. So, in conclusion, shut up. Check her home and work for toxins or drugs. Kutner and Foreman, do an echo. Find the extent of the heart damage. [House takes his coffee and goes into his office. Taub, Kutner, and Thirteen leave] [The scene shifts to House rummaging in his backpack. Foreman walks into the office] Foreman: Kutner can do the echo on his own. House: Yes… But he'll be very lonely. So I have to ask why? [He has pulled a book out of his pack. He now lays it on his desk] Foreman: I've been asked to help run a clinical trial. That okay with you? House: Good for your career. Great for your street cred. What's in it for me? Foreman: You have four doctors and never more than one case. It means I have time to work on other things. And they'll have more chances to step up. Stand on their own. House: And if there's an emergency with Annie, should she wait until you finish grooming lab rats? Foreman: If there's a problem with Sophia or any other patient, you know I'll be there. The patient is my priority. House: (definitively and dismissisvely) No. (Foreman does not move) Oh, do you want a reason? Clinical trials take time. Your time is my time. (Foreman walks out) [Cut to a monitor view of a beating heart. Kutner is using ultrasound to look at Sophia’s heart] Sophia: I told you, I don't do drugs. Kutner: Still a good idea to check your heart. Something else could have damaged it. You find it hard being all on your own? Having to do everything without — Sophia: Drugs to ease my pain? Kutner: That's not — Sophia: Teenager on her own? I wouldn't trust me either. Kutner: I meant it must be hard. No one there to back you up. Sophia: I know you're trying to be nice, but I'm not into the whole pity thing. [Kutner removes the probe and gives Sophia a tissue to clean the gel off her chest] Kutner: I was actually doing the "I get it" thing. I lost my parents when I was six. It doesn't go away. But it gets easier. You learn to deal. Sophia: (Wiping off the gel) I still get nervous when there's a knock on the door. Always think it's the State Trooper… With more bad news. Kutner: You already got the worst news and survived. That's sorta the upside. (He looks at the frozen image on the monitor) Your heart's healthy. Sophia: Isn't that good news? Kutner: For your heart, yeah, but it also means we still don't know what's wrong. [Cut to Thirteen and Taub searching Sophia’s apartment] Taub: Checkbook balanced, place spotless. Looks like she builds her own furniture. If you're this grown up at 16, what happens at 30? Thirteen is searching the kitchen. Taub is in the living room] Thirteen: You turn back into a kid. Like Kutner. Taub: Kutner's not that bad. Thirteen: He needs everything to be nice. He wants to see the best in everyone. Kitchen's clear. [Thirteen moves into the bedroom] Taub: Yeah, friendly is a dangerous thing. Thirteen: There is such a thing as too trusting. Taub: Corollary is there is such a thing as not trusting enough. Too much, you get hurt. Not enough, you don't live. Thirteen: So the object in life is to get hurt just the right amount? Excuse me if I don't go out of my way to take relationship advice from you. And trust… (She holds up a water bong) Should be earned. [Cut to a great camera sht of the bong and House’s cane sitting on the glass table in the conference room. A hand can be seen trying to grab the reflection of the bong from under the table. The hand, of course, turns out to be House’s] Kutner: Bong means nothing. Drugs are irrelevant. Thirteen: Relevant if she's taking them. [The camera has panned up and out to reveal the team sitting around the conference table] Kutner: Even if she is: Irrelevant. Echo showed no heart damage. House: Would that be the echo that Foreman chose not to run with you after I dashed his new drug discovery dreams? [House has now picked up the stem/bowl assembly of the bong. He looks through it like a monocle] Foreman: You mad at me because you think Kutner screwed up the echo? Kutner: I didn't screw up the echo. House: I know. No structural heart damage. Taub: So if it's not the heart… House: It's the heart. Taub: Didn't you just say it's not? House: Not all heart damage has to be structural. Drugs could have caused intermittent tachycardia. (He gets up) Thirteen: Irregular heart bat would account for the pulmonary edema. Kutner: The edema was acute. Vasculitis makes more sense. Taub: There's no sign in her blood work. And if she had vasculitis, she'd be too weak to work in a factory. Kutner: She builds her own furniture. You think she skips work because she's feeling a little weak? She needs steroids. House: Steroids could cause an irregular heartbeat, making her current one irregular-er-er. Foreman. Start her on beta-blockers. (Foreman looks angry) The rest of you, do anything that isn't starting her on beta-blockers. [House looks at Foreman as if daring him to challenge his authority then turns toward his office] Foreman: (getting up) Start her on the treatment. Page me if you need me. (He leaves) [Cut to Sophia’s hospital room where Kutner is hanging an IV bag] Kutner: Irregular heartbeat causes blood to back up behind the heart and into the lungs. The beta-blockers keep this from happening. Sophia: I thought the test showed my heart was fine. Kutner: It's tricky. An arrhythmia can come and go. Sophia: So you don't believe me or the test. You guys are more cynical than I am. Kutner: We found the bong in your apartment. Sophia: You went into my apartment? Kutner: Extended drug use can damage — Sophia: The bong belongs to my ex. It's why he's ex. Kutner: That doesn't mean you didn't use it. Sophia: No. You have no reason to trust me. You have to do your treatment. Kutner: The other possibility is you have vasculitis. The treatment for that is steroids. If you've been using drugs, if they've damaged your heart and I start you on steroids, they could kll you. Sophia: I haven't used drugs. Kutner: (sighing, wanting to believe her) I'll get the steroids. (He takes down the IV bag) [Cut to Foreman in the clinic. He throws a red patient file on top of the completed stack on the counter, and is about to take a new file when Cuddy stops him] Cuddy: Why are you here? Foreman: I owe clinic hours. Cuddy: No you don't. Foreman: I'm here because House doesn't want me to be here. Cuddy: I'm guessing he said no to the clinical trials. Foreman: He didn't need to say no. He just wanted to say no. Cuddy: House did something solely out of self-interest? That's freaky. Foreman: Don't suppose you'd want to override? Cuddy: No. What do you think this is gonna prove? Foreman: Does it matter? (He picks up a new red clinic file) Just figured you could use some help down here. Cuddy: And you spending two hours wiping noses will annoy House. If that is your dream, God bless. If you want to prove you can do his job and something more… (She hands him a blue file and leaves) [Cut to Foreman examining a young boy (Jonah, 4 years old). His brother (Evan, about 7) is standing beside the bed] Evan: His puke is red. That's blood, right? Foreman: (to Jonah while pressing on the left side of his abdomen) That hurt? What about that? (pressing on the other side) Melinda: (The boys’ mother) Four days he's been like this. It's just getting worse. Evan: Maybe he just needs to poop. Melinda: Evan! Evan: What? Worked last time I had a stomachache. Foreman: It's actually a smart idea. Which is why that's the first thing the other doctors checked. (to Evan) His insides are clear. (to Melinda) Anyone else sick at daycare? Melinda: No. Foreman: How 'bout his friends? Melinda: No. No one. What's happening to him? Foreman: Not sure yet. Don't worry. I've got an idea. (Foreman gets up to leave) Evan: You can make him better, right? Foreman: That's my plan. Evan: You need to make him better. [Foreman leaves and Evan scratches his brother’s forehead with affection] [Cut to Sophia’s hospital room. She is out of bed, agitated, and defending herself from a nurse with the bedside table. Taub and Kutner run in. Taub heads for the drug cabinet and prepares a syringe] Sophia: Stay the hell away from me! Kutner: Just calm down. (to the nurse) What happened? Nurse: I adjusted her IV, and she went crazy. Sophia: Don't touch me! Leave me alone! Kutner: Sophia, it's okay. We're here to help you. Sophia: Just stay away from me! Don't touch me! [Kutner grabs the table and pulls it and Sophia toward himself. He grabs Sophia and throws her onto the bed where Taub injects her with what is probably a sedative] Sophia: I said, don't — Get your hands off of me! Get your hands — Taub: Beta-blockers don't cause psychotic breaks. Kutner: She's not on beta-blockers. [Taub glares questioningly at Kutner who glares back] [Cut to a short sht of Sophia sedated and strapped to the bed and then to a closeup of House’s hands popping open a Vicodin bottle. The team is in the conference room running a new differential] Kutner: We started her on haloperidol. She's sab. Lab tests showed the delirium wasn't caused by a metabolic problem. Means we still don't know what caused it. House: (popping the Vicodin) Yeah, we do. Nice job, Foreman. Foreman: I didn't switch her meds. House: But your decision to stick it to the man clearly inspired Oliver Twist. (He picks up a water bottle from the table and takes a drink) Kutner: I treated her based on the symptoms she presented. House: You treated her based on empathetic orphan syndrome, and almost klled her in the process. Kutner: She wasn't on steroids long enough for it to cause the delirium — it's a new symptom. Taub: One that rules out vasculitis. Kutner: And arrhythmia. The psychotic break caused a surge of adrenaline, but no irregular heartbeat. Heart's not the problem. We're both wrong. House: So what causes lung issues and delirium? And is not based on wishful thinking that she's safe and happy? Foreman: Prinzmetal angina. House: Silent and unhappy is better than vocal and unhelpful. If you'd run the echo that you didn't run before giving her the beta-blockers that you didn't give her — If you'd listened to what Kutner just said, you'd know it's not a heart problem. Foreman: I'm not talking about her heart. I'm talking about her head. Thirteen: Prinzmetal angina doesn't affect — Foreman: No reason it couldn't cause an artery in the brain to spasm. Leads to the delirium and the pulmonary edema. House: Foreman, give her ergonovine to cause vasospasms, and run an FMRI to see which artery's dancing. And when I say Foreman, I mean… Foreman. I want his signature on the paperwork. I want videotape. (House moves toward his office and points to Foreman with his cane) I want photographs of him with the patient on today's newspaper. [Foreman leans over the table and talks quietly to the rest of the team] Foreman: Set her up. When you're ready — Thirteen: House wants you — Foreman: To do the procedure. When you get everything set up, page me. [Cut a monitor in to Jonah’s hospital room. Evan’s eye can be seen on the monitor because he is looking into a pillcam pill which Foreman wants Jonah to take] [The camera pans back to show them gathered around Jonah’s bed] Evan: That's really a camera? Foreman: Pretty cool, huh? This can go places the other scopes can’t. Jonah, I need you to swallow this pill. Jonah: Don't wanna. Foreman: It doesn't hurt. Promise. Melinda: Jonah, please. This will help make you better. Foreman: I don't want to be mean, but, if you don't do this, we'll have to make you. Evan: It's a power pill. It's not just a camera. It makes your muscles grow. Like the vitamins we take. (taking the pillcam from Foreman) Except this (holding up the pill) was made with a secret formula. [Jonah opens his mouth and Evan puts it in. Jonah takes a drink of water and swallows the pill] Melinda: (stroking Jonah’s hair) You did great, sweetheart. You're very brave. Foreman: Jonah’s lucky. I was pretty cruel to my little brother when I was your age. Evan: Why? Foreman: I guess I thought that's what big brothers did. Obviously, I was wrong. Evan: Is he a doctor too? Foreman: No. (He is watching the monitor as the pillcam makes its way through Jonah’ digestive system) [Jonah starts giggling] Melinda: Does the pill tickle, sweetie? Foreman: He can't feel it. What's funny, your brother? [Foreman looks into Jonah’s eyes with his light. Jonah continues to laugh] Melinda: What's happening? Foreman: I don't know. [Cut to Chase and Cameron working their way through the cafeteria line. Foreman walks up behind them] Foreman: How you guys getting along? Chase: And you suddenly care why? Foreman: House was asking questions last week. Cameron: I assume Foreman needs us, and he's worried that if we're sniping, we might be distracted. Chase: That's kind of insulting, isn't it? Cameron: Very. Foreman: You're obviously fine. (He hands Chase Jonah’s file) I need a differential for uncontrollable giggling. Chase: (glancing at the file briefly) He's four. They laugh. (He gives the file back to Foreman) [Foreman follows them as they look for an empty table] Foreman: Yeah. Nothing like diarrhea and bloody vomit to put you in the mood to goof around. I've looked down one end and up the other. All the tests came back clean. I can't figure this out. Cameron: You can't? Don't you work with three other doctors and a grouchy gimp? [Chase and Cameron sit down at a table] Foreman: This isn't House's case. (He again hands Jonah’s file to Chase) Chase: (taking the file and handing to Cameron) Just so you know, whatever you're trying to prove, it won't be enough. [Foreman’s pager beeps] Foreman: (He reads the message) Gotta go. (He leaves quickly) [Cut to Radiology where Kutner is running an FMRI on Sophia. Foreman walks in and enters the control room] Foreman: (sitting down) Sorry. Kutner: You didn't miss much. No spasms yet. Nothing in the anterior or posterior cerebral arteries. [Camera focuses briefly on the monitor with the scan of Sophia’s head] Sophia: How much longer? Kutner: Just a few more minutes. Were your foster homes all around here, or did you have to change schools? Sophia: Is chatting about lousy foster parents supposed to relax me? Foreman: Left middle cerebral artery looks good. Kutner: (to Sophia) My foster parents were great. I think most foster parents do it because they want to do something decent. Sophia: Which is why you didn't get emancipated. Foreman: Nothing around the vertebral artery. No sign of spasms. Kutner: (watching the monitor closely) But that's odd. (to Sophia) How'd you find out about your parents? Sophia: I told you. State Trooper. Kutner: Look at that. Foreman: Arteries are fine. You can stop. Kutner: Not that. (to Sophia) I forget, did he come to your house or call you down to the station? Sophia: Came to my house. I cried into the guy's shirt for an hour. [Foreman now sees the same thing Kutner did] Foreman: Wow. [Kutner hits the button which stops the machine and slides Sophia out. Foreman and Kutner exit the control room and move toward the machine] Kutner: (to Sophia) FMRIs tell us where the blood flow is. You were using your limbic region. It lights up when we use our imagination. It doesn't light up when we're telling the truth. Your parents aren't dad, are they? I risked my job, put you on a different treatment — Sophia: I didn't lie about the drugs. Kutner: Then why lie about your parents? Sophia: Because I wish they were dad. I got emancipated because my dad rped me. And my mom pretended it didn't happen. [Cut to the conference room where House and the team are running a new differential) Kutner: No signs of spasm, impeded blood flow, or brain dysfunction. It's not Prinzmetal’s. All the FMRI showed is House was right. She was lying. House: Only relevant if it can cause pulmonary edema and delirium. Thirteen: We find out our patient's been rped, and that's your response? House: Is she a psych patient? Taub: rpe could mean STD. House: Thank goodness one of you doesn't have a heart. Maybe if we all stopped wringing our hands, we could solve this thing and let her live to have a few more nightmares. Foreman: Gonococcal endocarditis would explain the pulmonary edema, the delirium. Kutner: No sign in her bloodwork. Could be lying about the rpe. House: (leaning forward in his chair and placing his cane across his lap) Yesterday, you were all BFF. Now you think she's pathological. Kutner: Yesterday I had no reason to doubt her. If she'd been honest with us from the beginning — Thirteen: She lied about dad parents because it's better than rpist parents. You find that unsympathetic? House: That's it. Kutner: What's it? House: Her whole life's a mess. What rhymes with mess? Foreman: It's not stress. She has none of the usual manifestations. No hormone imbalance, no cardiac — House: Yeah, she's drowning in her own lungs, and she's delirious. She's a picture of emotional health. Severe emotional stress can lead to asymmetric function of the midbrain. Explains the delirium. Interruption of the brain-heart coupling could cause pulmonary edema. Thirteen: Even if House is wrong, the treatment's basic all anti-anxiety meds. Hard to argue with. House: Yes. I agree. It does explain everything. Thirteen, load her up on diazepam. Foreman, make sure she does it. (House gets up) Thirteen, make sure he makes sure. [Cut to Wilson scrubbing for surgery. House enters] House: I went to Cuddy's house. But I didn't go in. Went home without ringing either her metaphorical or actual bell. Wilson: Huh. House: You're processing. Wilson: I'm scrubbing. House: "Huh" means processing. Wilson: "Huh" means acknowledging. If you prefer, I could say "ha," or "hmm," or — House: No insights? No opinions? (Wilson does not respond) You're disappointed. Wilson: You made the decision. I can't tell you what's right for you. House: Seriously? 'Cause last week you could. Last year you could. Seems to come pretty easy to you. Wilson: Do you want me to tell you what you should do? House: I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying. Wilson: Interesting. [Wilson has finished scrubbing and leaves the prep room with his clean hands in the air. House: (Calling loudly as Wilson leaves) Holding things in can give you cancer! [Cut to Chase and Cameron standing by a nurses station as Foreman comes through the doors. They continue around the nurses’ station and stop in front of Sophia’s room] Chase: Kid's in daycare. Could be meningitis. Foreman: No fever, no stiffness, no rash. Chase: You check his thyroid? Foreman: TSH and 3 t4 were within range. Ruled out all the usual suspects. Cameron: Nothing's usual for a four-year-old, and as fun as this is, it feels like we're your goomah. Foreman: Your feelings are hurt? Cameron: Either you can handle both these cases or you can't. If you can't, it's dangerous and stupid. Chase: On the other hand, stomach cancer. Leiomyosarcoma. Foreman: Long sht. Altered mental status means porphyria's more likely. Chase: No abdominal pain? Cancer explains the lethargy, the GI symptoms — Cameron: Neither's perfect. Foreman: Then we test for both. Chase: And by "we," you mean the collective "not you." Foreman: Thanks. [Cut to Thirteen talking to Sophia and treating her with diazepam in her room. Foreman enters] Thirteen: Severe stress scrambles the way the brain communicates with the rest of the body. Sophia: I have a problem with my brain? Foreman: Not exactly. The problem would be with your body chemistry. Sophia: Where's Dr. Kutner? Thirteen: There's four of us. It's my turn. Sophia: I'm sorry I lied about my parents. Thirteen: You did what you thought you had to do to protect yourself. Foreman: If we're right, we should see a change in your lungs pretty fast. Then we can figure out how to manage your stress. Thirteen: It might help to turn him in. File a police report, get closure. Sophia: Won't help. Thirteen: Not addressing what happened won't make it go away. Sophia: Yeah? What do I have to do to make it go away? Thirteen: I didn't mean that. I just mean that you — Sophia: I addressed it. I got away from him. Reporting it just labels me. "Girl rped by dad." Thirteen: It doesn't have to define you. Sophia: It's how you see me. That's why you're treating me with tranquilizers. Foreman: (looking down) Not anymore. Stress wouldn't change your urine color. [sht of Sophia’s urine collection bag which contains brown rather than yellow urine] [Back to the conference room for a new differential] Taub: Labs show the brown urine was caused by shredded red cells. House: (standing, his cane across his shoulders, his back to the team) So what messes with her lungs, her mental status, and runs her blood through a wood chipper? Kutner: Factory lunch rooms aren't the cleanest places. Coulda picked up E. Coli. Thirteen: Or shigella from the restroom. Either would account for the red cells, the delirium. Foreman: But not the original lung symptoms. Legionnaire's could, and cause delirium. Kutner: No, her sodium's normal. House: What does her furniture look like? (He turns to face the team) Said it was homemade. Old boxes, what? Thirteen: It was wood nailed together. House: The wood have little dents or holes? Taub: I didn't see any in the bookshelves, but they were painted. Thirteen: The desk did. Looked like she had stapled stuff all over it. House: Holes means that it was pressure-treated. Sawing or burning it releases arsenic into the air, into her lungs. [Foreman’s pager has gone off. He pulls in out of his pocket to read the message] Foreman: Tests didn't show — House: Because it found a cloak of invisibility hiding — Foreman: (getting up and moving toward the door) Arsenic gets absorbed in the internal organs so it doesn't show up in the blood tests. Test her hair. If it's positive, chelate it out of her blood. (He leaves) [House shrugs and nods to the rest of the team who than leave to go perform the test] [Cut to Chase and Foreman walking in the Pediatrics wing] Chase: No cancer, no porphyria. Foreman: You paged me with negative test results? Chase: Yes, because it means we're done. Since we still don't know what's wrong, this kid has a real problem. Talk to House? Foreman: Not his case. [They stop in front of Jonah’s room] Chase: There's a point when Cameron and I aren't enough. Foreman: We're not there. [Jonah’s mother has seen them and she approaches questioningly] Foreman: (to Melinda) We need to run some more tests. Melinda: A week ago, he was a happy little boy playing with his brother, and now he can barely lift his head. Foreman: We'll figure this out. I just need — [Buzzers start going off in Jonah’s room] Evan: Mom! Help! [Chase and Foreman run into the room] Foreman: We need a crash cart! [A nurse rolls in a crash cart] Melinda: What's going on? Foreman: He's in cardiac arrest. Chase: Get them outta here. [Chase grabs the paddles, and prepares to shock Jonah’s heart] Chase: Clear. (He shocks Jonah) Foreman: Nothing. Go again. Chase: Clear. (He shocks Jonah again) Foreman: He's back. (He sighs loudly) Chase: Foreman. We're there. [Cut to Sophia’s hospital room where Thirteen is removing the IV line] Thirteen: Chelation's complete. You're arsenic-free. Sophia: So I can get outta here? Thirteen: In the morning. Sophia: That's it? No advice? No "be careful out there, kiddo?" Thirteen: You want my advice? Sophia: Want is one thing, expect’s another. Thirteen: I wish I could tell you what to do. But you're strong. You've make good choices. You'll be fine. Sophia: Thanks. [Sophia starts to twitch, machines start beeping, and Sophia starts seizing] Thirteen: (holding onto Sophia) Need four milligrams lorazepam! [Nurses run into the room and they administer the lorazepam] [Back to House’s office for yet another differential. Foreman is not present] Thirteen: After the seizure, we ran a new MRI. (putting a scan on the lightboard) This is Sophia’s brain three days ago, (putting up another scan) this is her brain today. Taub: Lesions. Kutner: Magical lesions, which appear out of nowhere. House: She was cured, than she wasn't. Thirteen: Lesions grew too fast for cancer. Taub: Could be infection. MRSA. Thirteen: WBC count would be through the roof. House: Put the arsenic back. Taub: You wanna treat a patient nearly poisoned to death by giving her more poison? House: Just because we call something a poison doesn't mean it's bad for you. Thirteen: It was klling her. House: But since she's still dying, the arsenic obviously wasn't klling her. And since she's now getting worse, the arsenic was obviously fighting the kller. It's a hero. We should be organizing a parade. (He moves around to stand behind his desk) Taub: So, what does arsenic treat? Kutner: Syphilis. Before penicillin, the treatment was arsenic. Taub: We already ruled out STDs, and even if we were wrong, that much arsenic in her system would've wiped out the syphilis. Thirteen: Acute promyelocytic leukemia's still treated with arsenic. Taub: APL explains the lesions and why they appeared after we took the arsenic out. [Foreman enters the office] House: So, put the arsenic back. (He pops a Vicodin) Thirteen: We still have a problem. Arsenic slows leukemia, but it can't cure it. If she wants to see 17, she's gonna need a bone marrow transplant. Taub: Best match would be a sibling or a parent. House: Biopsy a lesion, confirm that she's dying, then load her up with arsenic. Keep her alive till you can convince her that rpist marrow and rpist-enabling marrow work just as well as the unleaded stuff. [Taub, Thirteen, and Kutner leave. Foreman approaches House, who is reading his messages] Foreman: We need to talk. House: This about the case you didn't want me to know about? Foreman: Cuddy? House: Foreman. (Foreman looks puzzled) You didn't flinch when you found out about a sixteen-year-old who could be dying in the next few days. Means you're here about someone even younger dying even faster. Foreman: (holding out the Jonah’s file) He needs you. House: (ignoring the file and brushing by Foreman) But he has you. (House heads out the door) [Foreman follows House out into the corridor] Foreman: This boy is going to die. You selfish enough to let it happen? House: Pot calling a kettle a pot? Foreman: You're a hypocrite. If our job is to find out what's klling patients, you'd help this kid. But you'd rather play mind games to prove you're the only one with magical powers. [They stop in front of Wilson’s office. House walks in without knocking] House: Wanted something all your own? Now you got it. [House closes Wilson’s office door, leaving Foreman standing in the Hallway] House: Your disengagement won't work. [Wilson closes his computer and appears to be packing up for the day] Wilson: I can see that. House: You think that when you tell me what I should do, my instincts are to push back, so that by not telling me what you think I should do, I'll do what you think I should do. Wilson: I sound convoluted. House: Disengagement is neither artful nor effective. Wilson: So my not doing anything isn't causing you to do anything? House: Right. Wilson: I'm okay with that. House: No, you're not. You are designed to have opinions and to force them on people. Wilson: I'm starting to sound desperate. [Wilson has taken his coat of the rack.] Wilson: Don't screw with my stuff. [Wilson exits, leaving House still wondering] [Cut to the team performing the biopsy on Sophia] Sophia: I just need a donor with the same blood type or something, right? Thirteen: Actually, bone marrow's a little more complex. The best donors are immediate family. Sophia: But those donor banks have thousands of names. Thirteen: Your parents' similar DNA gives you a much better chance of — Sophia: No. If I do this, I'll owe my life to them. It'd mean everything else that happened was somehow okay. They don't deserve that. They're not in my life. If that means I'm dad, then I'm dad. Taub: I have Huntington’s disease. I'm dying. I don't know when it'll happen, but it'll be sooner than I ever planned. And I'd do anything to stop it. Because the only way to make anything right, the only way to make your life matter is to live as long, and as well as you possibly can. [Thirteen looks outraged] Sophia: Have you ever been rped? Taub: No. Sophia: Don't try to walk in my shoes and I won't try to walk in yours. [Cut to Taub and Thirteen walking into the conference room after the biopsy. Thirteen is angry] Thirteen: You had no right. Taub: To try to convince her to do the right thing? Thirteen: To lie to her. Taub: It's a true story. Who cares if it's not my story? Thirteen: It's my life. Taub: It's her life. Point wasn't I'm dying. Point was she should live. You should have told her. Instead you tell her to call the cops, give her stats on DNA markers. Everything's by the book. Nothing's ever personal. House: (interrupting loudly from his office) Trying to sleep here! Taub: Biopsy confirmed APL. She needs a bone marrow transplant. House: (picking up his backpack) Run the donor banks. I'm going home. (He slings the backpack over his shoulder) Thirteen: We need to track down her parents. House: (approaching the doorway) I assume she's already said no to that idea, or there'd be no need to screw up your courage before saying it. Thirteen: Children who've been through trauma can't think clearly. Children who've been through trauma and are dying — House: Guess I'm the only one who cares about patient rights. Thirteen: What she wants could kll her. What she needs could save her. House: Our job is to find out what's klling patients, not treat them for chronic idiocy. (He turns back to his office) Thirteen: Idiocy is what's klling her. House: (picking his coat up off the chair) And since we can't cure that, I’m going home. (He moves toward his office door) Thirteen: We could save this patient, but all you care about is getting your answer. House: (turning back and looking at Thirteen) Your point being? Thirteen: Taub and Kutner can check the donor banks. I'm gonna find her parents. (Thirteen leaves) [Cut to Chase and Cameron sitting opposite Foreman at a booth in the cafeteria. The lights are low and the room is mostly empty] Cameron: Can't see why you're surprised. You push against House, he's gonna push back. Foreman: Against me, I get. His ego's klling my patient. Cameron: You liked this case because he wasn't looming over you. The decisions were yours. Only difference now is he decided not to loom. Doesn't change the fact that your patient's dying. Foreman: What are we missing? What's not in the file? Chase: The mother, over burdened at the end of her rope. Makes her kid sick so someone else will take care of him. Sympathize with her. Cameron: Munchausen by proxy? Chase: She brought him into the clinic, was with him when he went into cardiac arrest. Foreman: The brother would have noticed, said something. Evan's even more protective than she is. Chase: Then maybe it's the brother. Cameron: He's eight. Chase: Could be jealous. Foreman: He's the opposite of jealous. He includes Jonah in everything he does. Makes sure he eats, brushes his teeth. [Foreman has an epiphany and leaves quickly] Chase: Think we gave him an idea? Cameron: Either that or he's off to kll House. [Cut to Thirteen standing if front of an apartment door in a urban area. She knocks and a man answers the door] Thirteen: Mr. Valez? Valez: Yeah? Thirteen: I'm Dr. Remy Hadley from Princeton Plainsboro hospital. We're treating your daughter, Sophia, for leukemia and we need to test both you and your wife for bone marrow donation. Valez: I'm sorry, you said you were from Princeton Plainsboro? Thirteen: I know this is unexpected, but time is short and — [A young girl appears behind Mr. Valez] Girl: What's going on? Valez: This doctor says you have leukemia. Girl: I don't have leukemia. Thirteen: Sophia Valez? Girl: Yeah? Thirteen: Sophia Isabel Valez? Girl: Yeah. Do you know something I don't? Thirteen: Just that liars lie. [Cut to Sophia’s(?) hospital room. Thirteen is talking with Sophia and is clearly upset] Thirteen: You stole her identity. Sophia: To protect myself. So they can't find me. Thirteen: We can protect you. But we need to find your parents. Sophia: Why? You have my blood. You don't need my name to find a donor. Thirteen: You're a minor. You obviously forged the emancipation papers. Even if we had a donor, we'd still need your parents' consent to treat you. Sophia: Can't you just pretend you didn't go to that house? That you didn't find that girl? Thirteen: Calling your parents doesn't mean a family reunion. You don't even have to see them. Sophia: (stubbornly) When I get sick enough, it'll be an emergency. You'll have to give me a transplant. Even without consent. [Cut to Jonah’s room. Foreman is sitting on Jonah’s bed treating Jonah] Melinda: (who is sitting by the bed) An iron overdose? Foreman: From his vitamins. If I'm right, we can treat him tonight. He'll be back to his old self in the morning. Melinda: But… They're children's vitamins. I — I only give him one. Foreman: I know. (He looks over at Evan who is curled up in a chair with a blanket and a pillow) [Melinda follows his gaze and also looks at Evan] Evan: I thought more would make him strong. I didn't mean to make him sick. Foreman: He's gonna be okay. Evan: He's gonna hate me. Foreman: Well, that's the great thing about brothers. You can make mistakes, and they'll still love you. [Evan lays his head down on the pillow looking sad, but hopeful] [Cut to an aerial view of PPTH in the morning. It is a sunny autumn day and many of the trees are a beautiful red, orange, and gold] [The scene changes to the front doors of the hospital where House is seen entering. Thirteen, Kutner, and Taub are waiting for him. They join him as he heads toward the elevator] Kutner: Donor list turned up a partial match. House: So treat her. Thirteen: It's only a three out of six. House: So don't treat her. Kutner: She may not last the week. Partial's better than nothing. House: So treat her. Thirteen: She'll reject it. And she'll be too weak to try again when a better match turns up. [They have stopped in front of the elevator. House pushes the button] House: It's my turn now, right? Kutner: If a better match turns up. [The elevator dings and the door opens] House: Well, when you decide, get back to me. [House enters the elevator seeming surprised when the team follows him] Taub: She's scared. [The elevator door closes and the scene shifts to inside the elevator] House: Not scared enough. Tell her the thing about emotional reactions is they're definitionally irrational. Or stupid. Might wanna phrase that in your own words. Taub: She wants to deny her parents the satisfaction of saving her life. [The elevator door opens and the team follows House toward his office] House: That's your rational explanation of her emotional response. Thirteen: That was her explanation. [House stops and turns around to face them] House: That makes sense. How long did it take her to come up with that? Taub: It was her immediate reaction. House: That doesn't make sense. Kutner: The fact that it makes sense doesn't make sense? House: Emotional is immediate. She went to rational first. Means there was no emotional to process. Taub: You're saying she's lying about being rped? House: Wouldn't be her first. Thirteen: She lied about one trauma to cover a worse trauma. House: So… what's worse than rpe? [Cut to Sophia’s hospital room. House enters, still wearing his coat and carrying his backpack. He throws the backpack onto a chair] House: Hi, I'm Dr. House. (He stands to face her at the bottom of her bed) What did you do? Sophia: I don't — House: Something happened, but it wasn't rpe. Sophia: Believe whatever you want. House: You're scared, and stubborn, and you don't like people feeling sorry for you. Why not? Sophia: I don't want pity. I just wanna be normal. House: But you know you're not. (He moves to the side of the bed until he is standing right over her) You need people to see how independent you are, how well you're coping. So they won't see the lost, hurt little girl. (He leans down and is now right in her face) Because that's not what you see. You see someone who did something terrible… Who deserves to suffer. Who doesn't deserve to live. (pause) What did you do? [Sophia does not answer. House is still in her face] House: Eventually, we'll find your parents… If only to deliver the body. Sophia: Then they won't care. House: (frustrated) You're an idiot. You'd rather die than face your parents because, what, you broke their Faberge egg? Sophia: I klled their son. (House looks stunned) I klled my brother. (pause) I was supposed to watch him. (pause) He was in the bath. (pause) I could hear him laughing. (pause) Every time they look at me, it's like I kll him again. [House sits down slowly in the chair beside the bed, not sure how to respond] House: (quietly now) If you don't take your parents' bone marrow… You'll be k*lling their other child. If they don't hate you now, they will then. Sophia: I don't care. House: Sure you do. You want someone to tell you it was just an accident. That it's not that bad, well, it is that bad. And you know it. There's nothing you can do to change that. (pause) But there is one thing you can do, to not make it worse. [House pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, flips it open and hands it to Sophia] [The next few scenes are filmed without dialogue. In the background Alexi Murdoch can be heard singing Through the Dark] [Kutner escorts Sophia’s parents into the hospital. Sophia’s mother grips her husband’s arm tightly] [Cut to Jonah’s room, where his mother is zipping up his jacket. Evan watches, his jacket already on. Melinda grabs her purse and they leave the room. Foreman is standing outside of the room. Melinda gives him a big hug and follows her sons down the corridor. A close-up shows Jonah reaching for his big brother’s hand. As they walk hand-in-hand down the hallway, the camera focuses briefly on a satisfied Foreman] [Cut back to Sophia’s parents. They enter her room tentatively. Sophia does not look at them at first. They pause and approach her bed. Kutner is watching through the glass door. They both stroke her hair and Sophia finally breaks down, needing and wanting their forgiveness. They hug her, apparently offering, at least the beginnings of, a reconciliation. Kutner leaves them alone] {Cut to Foreman entering House’s office from the conference room. House has his coat on and is packing his backpack] House: If you're here to celebrate the kid's bone marrow transplant working, you missed cake. Foreman: I want to do clinical trials. House: Already had this conversation. Foreman: I've proved that I can work two cases at once. I can do this. And I'm doing it. House: Okay. Foreman: Okay? Just like that? House: Can I give my reasons later… or never? Foreman: Three days ago you said no. House: Three days ago you asked me. Now you told me. (He grabs his backpack and cane and heads toward the office door) Can't say no if it's not a question. [Cut to House getting into the elevator. He pushes the down button and the doors begin to close. Wilson grabs the door before it closes and steps in beside House. He looks at House for second, than there is a long pause as they both look forward before Wilson breaks the silence] Wilson: Nice thing you did for Foreman. House: He speaks. Wilson: He deflects. House: I almost cost a four-year-old his life. Wilson: Well, you knew Foreman would figure it out. House: Did I? (He looks at Wilson) [The elevator doors open and they exit and walk toward the main desk] Wilson: You just needed to prove it to him. You're an ass. But, a noble one. House: I sound clever. Wilson: Thank you. [They reach the desk and House pulls the clipboard toward himself to sign out] House: Your little game didn't work. I'm not Foreman, and you're not me. [They both look through the glass doors of the clinic where Cuddy can be seen standing by the desk] Wilson: You wanna talk about her? House: Nope. Wilson: Alright. [They walk toward the main doors of the hospital] Wilson: You're gonna be okay, House. House: Good to know. [They walk out into the night together] THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x08 - Emancipation"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on the sht of PPTH. Cut to the clinic waiting room. A guitar is twanging individual, repeated notes as people go about their business in slow motion.] [Sandra and her husband, Bill, sit together. She is very pregnant and is eating something while Bill reads a magazine. As people walking past separate, Jason can be seen sitting next to Mitch. Jason is wearing a suit. He is staring straight ahead, holding his hat. His briefcase is on the floor next to him. Mitch is wearing khakis. He is staring at his knee.] [Oliver sits by the window. He’s slumped in his seat, listening to his iPod. His messenger bag is in his lap. Nikki sits two chairs away. She’s wearing a purple knit cap, a purple and black striped sweater and purple striped leggings. Over by the exam rooms, Larry leans against a wall and looks at his watch.] [The camera returns to the various patients. Oliver rubs his face. Sandra rubs her belly and looks at Bill. Jason and Mitch continue to sit. Oliver looks at Nikki who is reading. Larry rubs the side of his head. Jason looks glum. The sht widens as the scene speeds up to normal time.] Larry: [to Thirteen as she comes from an exam room] Excuse me. I've been waiting here for over an hour. All I need is a refill on my migraine medication. Thirteen: We'll get to you as soon as we can. Larry: You can get to me now. It'll only take you two minutes. Thirteen: You're not an emergency. Larry: This isn't an emergency room. Thirteen: And it's not gonna go any faster by pissing me off. [He makes a rude but not obscene gesture as he gives up and walks off. Foreman approaches.] Foreman: Got a minute? Thirteen: No. [to the nurse in charge] A routine checkup can wait. What else you got? Foreman: I'm consulting on some clinical trials that involve CNS compounds. Thirteen: While it's true that no sometimes means yes, in this context… Foreman: One's a new Huntington’s drug. Phase three trials are showing real results delaying neuronal degeneration. Probably get you in. Thirteen: [turns to face him] No, thanks. [walks away] Foreman: [following her] Are you doing anything about your disease, following any kind of program? Thirteen: No. Nor am I looking for a consult. [She walks off. Foreman walks away, revealing Jason who is still sitting there while the people mill around him. He looks to his right and sees “Lisa Cuddy, M.D. Dean of Medicine” on her office door. House is there, behind her desk.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. There’s a rap on the door glass. House, who was leaning over the desk drawer, sits up. Jason enters.] Jason: Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Cuddy. House: Well, she's either not here, or she's under the desk. Either way, you're gonna have to wait outside until I'm finished. [Jason starts to leave then turns back.] Jason: Do you know when she'll be back? House: Yes, which is why I need you to get out and leave me alone. [He grabs a pack of Post-Its from the desktop.] Jason: Sorry. [He closes the office door behind him.] [Cut to Jason approaching the nurse’s desk. He stands there as the sounds around him begin to sound distorted. He reaches under his overcoat and pulls a gn from his waistband, behind his right hip.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. The door opens. Thirteen enters, followed by Nikki, Sandra and Bill, Oliver, Mitch, Larry, Regina (a nurse), and, lastly, Jason.] House: Nice try. Love to help. Jason: Shut up! [He closes the office door behind him.] [House sees the gn.] House: [calmly] You wanted to see doctor — Jason: I said shut up. I'm sick, and I want to know why. I want the best doctor in this hospital here, now… Or I'm gonna start klling people. [The hostages on the left side of the room — Sandra, Nikki, Oliver and Sandra’s husband — are breathless, almost hyperventilating. Those on the right — Larry, Mitch, and Regina — are breathing better but are more fidgety. Thirteen, who is with the group on the right, is calm. She is the nearest to House and she looks at him.] House: [conversationally] What seems to be the problem? [Opening Credits] Jason: [gesturing to Mitch with the gn] Close those blinds. [to Larry] You, push the sofa in front of that door. [to Sandra’s husband] You, move that table in front of the other door. [shouts] Now! Sandra’s Husband: Okay, okay. [to Oliver] Just move it. [As he and Oliver move the table] You know, you don't have to point the gn, man. We're gonna do whatever you want. House: [not moving and not looking away from the gn] No, we're not. [Jason turns to point the gn at House.] Thirteen: House… House: That's a bathroom you're barricading. It might come in handy, especially since you've cleverly decided to take a bunch of sick people hostage. Jason: [pointing the gn again] Do it! [He pulls a file about 8” thick from his briefcase.] My medical records. I need you to read them. House: [standing, very slowly] You really think that reenacting "Dog Day Afternoon" is the best way to get diagnosed? I'm sure you've been waiting for hours in an uncomfortable chair, but you should watch the movie all the way through. Jason: I've been to 16 doctors in the last two years. Had three full-body CTs and two MRIs, seven blood panels, and one homeopathic consult. House: And all that was missing was the thrat of volence. [He starts slowly approaching Jason.] Jason: What's missing is an answer! I can't breathe! I'm tired… all the time. I get skin rashes, and heart palpitations, and insomnia. House: That's a cool constellation of symptoms. It could be something minor. At least compared to life in prison, which is what you seem to prefer to seeing 16 more specialists. Jason: Shut up and do your job. [He shoves the file at House and takes the cane, which he tosses to one side.] [Cut to the lobby. PPTH’s crack security team is herding people out the door. Some patients are being wheeled by nurses. Against the flow, Cuddy enters, holding a cell phone.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. Jason is sitting down. House is listening to his chest with a stethoscope.] Jason: You barely looked at the file. House: No need. Symptoms — those are the things you keep whining about. Tests — negative, or you wouldn't be here. History — shy, quiet kid. Kept to himself. Collected comic books and missing children. Bill: Excuse me, my wife feels sick to her stomach. House: Next time pack some heat, and maybe we'll look into it. Sandra: [quietly] I'll be okay. [The phone rings. Jason jumps up. House leans to one side, out of the line of fre. Jason goes to the desk, picks up the receiver and hangs it up again. He grabs the phone and heads back to House.] House: If you ask me, keeping an open line of communication is the best way to resolve conflict. [Jason puts the phone on the chair next to him.] What kind of breathing problems? Jason: Shortness of breath. And sharp pain when — when I inhale. [He sits, keeping his hand on the receiver.] House: So you figured your wife left you because you couldn't breathe, right? Me, I rarely kidnap someone unless I've got a serious health problem. Since you're not almost dad, it means you're armed because you're blaming something other than your health on your health. Jason: I've never been married. House: Oh. Got a match? Jason: Why? House: Because I'd rather not stand here while you try and negotiate a hostage trade for an incentive spirometer. Thirteen: I'll look in Cuddy's desk. House: Stay out of the desk! Cuddy doesn't smoke. But he does. [gestures toward Mitch] Mitch: No, I — I don’t. House: Right. You just brush your teeth with coffee grounds. Mitch: [placating, to Jason] Look, sir, I've never smoked in my life, okay? [mutters] Jerk. Jason: [rising and pointing his gn at Oliver who is reaching into his jacket pocket] Hey! [Oliver puts both his hands in the air.] House: You figure that two people snuck wapon into the clinic today? Oliver: I'm sorry. It's just… I got a lighter. Jason: Slowly. [Oliver gives the lighter to House who gives it to Jason.] House: Hold it out as far as you can. Try to blow it out. [Jason wheezes as he blows. The Bic flickers but doesn’t go out. The second time, it doesn’t even flicker.] Decreased lung volume. Heart palpitations, fatigue, stomach pain. An intermittent rash — could be 100 things. If you add on that final symptom, it can only be pulmonary scleroderma. Jason: What final symptom? Those were all my symptoms. House: Last one is the 16 doctors who missed it. Simple alkylating agent, case solved. See you on visitor's day. [Everyone stares. The phone rings. Jason backs up. He hands the entire phone to House who answers it.] House: Crime scene! Cuddy: [at the front desk] House, what's going on in there? Is everyone all right? House: About to be. Assuming he's not lying. But he seems like a pretty straight arrow to me. [He winks broadly at Jason who pushes the speakerphone button. House speaks louder and hands the receiver to Jason.] I'm gonna need some propofol to prove that it's pulmonary scleroderma. Then we all get to go home. Cuddy: Propofol? You sure — House: Have one of the guards bring it in. Jason: No, no guards. No cops. Mitch: Uh, I'll go get it. Jason: No one is leaving. [He sees a picture of Cuddy on the bookshelf.] She's not a cop? Dr. Cuddy brings in the drugs. Alone. House: She might be armed. I'd have her deliver it shirtless. [Cut to later. Most of the hostages are lined up behind the desk. House is in a chair, rubbing his thigh. Jason is standing behind Regina with the gn barrel resting on her shoulder. She sobs quietly. There’s a soft knock on the door. Jason turns the gn on House.] House: Who is it? [Cut to House walking through Cuddy’s secretary’s area and unlocking that door. Cuddy can see Regina and Jason through her office door.] Cuddy: Oh, God, House. Maybe we should wait for — House: Guys with even bigger gn? Cuddy: Who know how to talk to armed — Jason: [calling from the office] Say good-bye or I sht her. [Something rustles as House takes it from Cuddy. He closes the door and locks it.] [Cut to the office. House fills a syringe and taps it twice with his fingernail.] House: Roll up your sleeve. Jason: Give it to someone else first. House: You're the only one who needs it. Jason: Give it to someone else. If it goes in okay, you can give a second dose to me. I don't care who. Just pick someone. House: Again, had your brilliant plan included a roomful of hostages that don't have fetuses, bacterial and fungal infections, leaving their immune systems too weak to deal with the metabolic strain, or are already on pain Kllers that have fatal interactions… Jason: [pointing the gn toward Larry] He's not on pain Kllers. I heard him tell her in the clinic. Larry: Aw, come on, man. Don't take it out on us. You got a problem with doctors? Take it out on the doctors. [points to Thirteen] Give it to her. House: She's sick. [to Larry] You are a very large creep. Take off your shirt. [He injects Larry, who grunts.] Satisfied? Jason: [standing] Fine. House: [to Jason] Roll up your sleeve. [Jason starts to do so. Larry keels over in the background.] Jason: You think I'm an idiot? Huh? That's what you think? House: I thought I had a little more time with a guy that size. [Jason primes the gn and points it at House.] You're not gonna do anything. You still need me. [Jason turns and points the gn at Mitch, who crouches.] Mitch: Hoh. Come on! House: What are you doing? He didn't do anything. Jason: You're right. I need you. I also need you to know you can't screw with me. [He sh*t Mitch in the hip. Mitch grabs his hip and howls. He looks at his hand, which is covered with blood. The phone rings. Everyone freezes.] House: [to Jason] It's for you. [Cut to the office, later. Mitch is on the sofa with his leg on the coffee table. Thirteen is tending to his wound. The phone is ringing. House is playing with a baseball cap while Jason decides whether or not to answer. He reaches for the phone and hangs it up. It immediately starts ringing again.] [Cut to the lobby. A police officer approaches Cuddy who is on the phone.] Bowman: Lieutenant Bowman, Princeton SWAT. Cuddy: Dr. Lisa Cuddy, Dean of Medicine. We just heard a gn, but I haven't been able to make contact. Bowman: [taking the phone from her and hanging up] We'll handle that once we secure our perimeter and set up our positions. Cuddy: By "perimeters," I assume you mean snpers? We have to put an end to this. Bowman: Got a husband in there or a loved one? Cuddy: Uh, no. Bowman: Don't worry, we'll decide when to start shting. [He hustles her away from the desk.] [Cut to double doors opening on a hallway lined with patients. Chase, Taub, Kutner and Cameron are working.] Taub: House is gonna get someone klled. Kutner: The guy's ready to kll for a diagnosis, I can't think of a better doctor to be trapped in there with him. Cameron: How 'bout someone who's not gonna keep pushing the whack job's buttons until he cracks? [Kutner’s beeper goes off. He looks at it.] Kutner: It's House. [Cut to the office. House’s cell phone rings.] House: Joe's Bar and Grill. [Intercut with the Diagnostics Conference Room. Both the old and new teams are there.] Foreman: It's Foreman, and every fellow you've had in the last five years. House: [turning on the speakerphone and putting the phone on the desk] What causes low lung volume, heart palpitations, fatigue, stomach pain, insomnia, and a rash? Chase: This is pathetic. If I strap a bmb to my chest, do I get seven doctors attending to me? House: Dr. Robert Chase. On the off chance you have some brilliant escape plan and are the vengeful type. Chase: Do you think he's the only guy in New Jersey with an unsolved illness and a pstol? I'm not playing this game. House: Seriously? You're walking out? [Chase leaves.] Cameron: No, he's just kidding. He's right here. House: [taking a picture off the wall and gesturing to Oliver] Throw me that marker, will you? [He does.] Foreman: Chest pain, the lung problems, fatigue, rash. Sounds like chronic lung infection. Thirteen: Heart palpitations and fatigue — could be a cancer that's spread from the lungs. House: [writing on Cuddy’s wall] Next! Cameron: If his diaphragm's not working, maybe his nerves are freezing up. Regina: [referring to Mitch who is stretched out on the floor] I think he's going into shock. House: First rule of triage: Guys with gn go first. Next! Kutner: The shortest distance between stomach pain and insomnia is bad circulation. Plus troubled breathing. Could be a heart defect. Bill: You needed to write four things down to remember 'em? House: It's not my wall. You're gonna get some special deliveries. Foreman, we're gonna draw blood. Run tests for infection and cancer. Cameron, comb through his medical records. See if any of his past 900 medications could have screwed up his heart. Taub and Kutner, go to his apartment, check for neurotoxins. Jason: 873 Marshall, South Brunswick. Back window's unlocked. House: Giving out your address. Clearly you're not going back there. Means you do have an end game. [Cut to the lobby. The phone rings. Bowman answers.] Bowman: I'm Lieutenant Bowman. How's everyone doing in there? [Regina is drawing blood from Jason.] House: Got one lower limb flesh wound, another guy unconscious. Unfortunately, not the guy we hoped. We're gonna need someone to deliver his blood. [Jason disconnects the call.] It's gonna be hard to play doctor — Jason: Shut up. [He gestures to Nikki with the gn.] Open that blind. Just a few inches. Nikki: Why me? Jason: Just open it. Open it! Nikki: Why me? Anyone can do it. Why pick me? [He points the gn at her again. She promptly leans over and pukes behind the desk. Thirteen goes to the blind and pushes it open slightly. Members of the SWAT team can be seen in the courtyard.] Jason: Get back! Get back! [He runs to the wall next to the window Thirteen is in front of.] I will kll her unless you back the hell out of there now! House: Interesting. Anybody else hear those guys outside? [pause] Anybody? He's got hyperacusis. Jason: What does that mean? House: It means we have a favorite. It's nerve related. Thirteen: Amped-up hearing could be linked to nerve palsy. House: Puff out your cheeks. Come on. [House demonstrates and Jason imitates him.] Now big mug sht smile. [Jason grins. Only the right side of his mouth goes up.] Thirteen: Left side facial weakness. House: Seventh nerve palsy. Plus intermittent rashes. Plus migraines. It's post-herpetic neuralgia. Jason: Herpetic? You think I have herpes? House: I'm not judging here. This thing is just as likely to be caused by chicken pox. Jason: I need proof now. House: There is a test. It's dangerous and painful while the treatment is safe and painless. But you make a good point. You need proof now. I'll order up the test. If you have neuralgia, you won't feel it going in. Jason: It only hurts if your diagnosis is wrong? House: Win-win. [The phone rings. Jason gestures for House and Thirteen to move out of the way. He picks up the receiver. In the lobby a policeman nods to Bowman who picks up the phone on that end.] Bowman: Jason, don't hang up the phone again. Jason: You're gonna send in… [He gestures to House with the gn.] House: Capsaicin. 200 micrograms. Jason: And two syringes this time. Thirteen: And we'll give you the blood and his records. Bowman: No more meds, Jason, and no deliveries without something in return. You've gotta give us a hostage. Jason: You can have two. Bowman: Great. Then I'll send an officer right in with the transfer. Jason: Everything gets brought in by Dr. Cuddy. Bowman: Jason, I'm not gonna let her do that. House: First — don't use his name so much. It doesn't sound reassuring, it just sounds creepy. Second — come on, he's not gonna sht the one person he trusts to bring in his medication. He's gonna sht the hostages if she doesn't bring it in. Bowman: I'll get back to you. [He and Jason both hang up. Bowman turns to Cuddy.] Bowman: The guy's demanding that you do all the transfers. Cuddy: [quietly and slightly breathless] Okay. Bowman: Okay? Cuddy: What am I supposed to say? Jason: You're supposed to say no. It's not your job. If you got a conflict here, if you have stakes in this that you're not telling me about, then I can’t trust you. Cuddy: Got it. I'm okay. Can you tell him I'm coming in now? [Cut to time-lapse of Cuddy pushing a wheelchair into her outer office. Cuddy and House exchange medicine and records. Thirteen and Regina are also there. They have put Mitch in the wheelchair. Cuddy wheels Mitch out. Larry stumbles alongside. As soon as they reach the lobby, a police office helps him walk. In the outer office, House, Thirteen, and Regina of turn back in.] [Cut to the office.] Jason: Who's taking the first dose? House: [talking through the cap of the syringe which is in his mouth] Anybody here got a long-standing case of neuralgia that's klled their nerves so this won't hurt at all? Oliver: How bad does it hurt? House: You're looking to be the hero? Oliver: Well, I've been beaten up a lot, and I can handle pain. Regina: How old are you? House: The guy's got a gn. I think that covers the parental consent issue. Regina: And that stuff can also cause nerve and muscle damage. [Oliver seems to have second thoughts. After a moment, House mashes his nose with his finger. Oliver, Nikki, Sandra and, with a sigh, Regina follow suit. Sandra whacks Bill in the arm.] Bill: Ah. No way am I taking that crap. Come on. House: You have to. It's the rules. Thirteen: I'll do it. [Cut to House injecting Thirteen in the upper gluteus maximus. He talks quietly to her.] House: This is a level of risk taking beyond anonymous girl-on-girl action. Thirteen: They're patients. I'm a doctor. House: With a degenerative, drug-unfriendly illness. Thirteen: Everything's not some fascinating character flaw. House: This is a genetic flaw. This is your Huntington’s speaking. This is you waving a white flag at the world. Thirteen: Yes, I have a shortened life span. Another reason why I'm objectively the right choice. [She gasps and doubles over in pain.] House: Wow! I would have laid money you had herpes. [to Jason] Your turn. So why are we here? We've ruled out immediate risk of death, lost love. That just leaves… work? You're defined by your work. But you kept seeing doctors, kept missing time. Couldn't focus. [injects him] Maybe you made a huge mistake… got fired. Jason: I just want an answer. House: I know. I'm asking why. [Jason sits down, grunting in pain. House goes to the wall and draws a line through “nerve paral.”] [Cut to Jason’s apartment. Taub and Kutner enter through the door. A policeman waits in the hall.] Taub: Guy knew he wasn't coming back. Everything's laid out for us. I'll check for toxins in the kitchen. [He puts on gloves.] Kutner: [looking at Jason’s desk] He must have $6,000, $7,000 in unpaid medical bills. Taub: I've got debt too — you don't see me acting like a lunatic. Kutner: There's no excuse for what he's doing, but you've got millions of people, thousands of dollars in debt because they're sick — At least one of them's gonna do something inexcusable. Especially if it works. [Cut to the lab. Foreman and Cameron are doing the labs.] Foreman: White blood cell count's normal. It's not infection. [Cut to House drawing a line through “lung infection.”] House: So either his heart's on the fritz, or he's got cancer. [Intercut between the office, the lab and Jason’s house.] Kutner: Found a picture of his mom. She's got a droopy eye, fat face, thick neck. Cameron: Classic signs of an upper-lobe tumor. House: Or she's just ugly. Kutner: There are also classic signs of an adrenal problem. Thirteen: [sitting on the floor, near Jason] It's his heart. House: You can't be sure what — Thirteen: His neck. Distended jugular. [She leans on a chair to stand. House limps over to Jason and reaches for his neck.] Jason: What are you doing? House: I am going to try to strangle you faster than you can pull a trigger. Thirteen: He needs to check your pulse. House: It's racing. 160. Thirteen: We need to get paddles. Bill: Or maybe we could just do nothing. Jason: If I get any weaker… And they don't fix it… I'll sht… you! [He points the gn at Bill. Bill and Sandra hug each other.] Sandra: Don't. He didn't mean to — House: Shut up! All of you. [He listens to Jason’s heart with the stethoscope then removes it and reaches for Jason’s neck again.] Jason: What are — what are you doing? What are you doing? House: Carotid massage… gotta slow your heart. It's 200. Jason: Well, get the paddles. House: Uh-uh. Whole point of those things is to make your muscles contract. They don't discriminate against trigger fingers. Jason: Nobody gets my gn. [He yells toward the phone, which is on speaker.] Send in paddles! House: [equally loud] Don't! Jason: Get the damn paddles! Or I'll sht you. House: thrat to sh*t the guy who's diagnosing you makes a lot of sense. Actually doing it, not so much. Regina: Give him your gn so he can save you. Bill: Just let him die. Sandra: Bill, stop. Thirteen: We can cardiovert chemically. House: If we don't know what kind of heart rhythm it is — Thirteen: If we don't try something, he's gonna kll someone. I'm gonna get the drugs. Jason: No one goes anywhere! House: If she doesn't come back, you've got plenty of other people you can sht. Jason: [gesturing toward Oliver] You… come here. [to Thirteen] All right… 30 seconds. [Cut to Thirteen running into the clinic. She unlocks a drug cart and pulls out the syringes she needs. In the background, two members of the SWAT team knock on the clinic door. She starts and looks around.] [Cut to the office.] House: She's gonna go. Regina: She's gonna come back. House: She should go. Regina: [referring to Oliver] He'll kll him. House: But not her. Regina: That your version of morality? House: If you don't think your life is worth more than someone else's, sign your donor card and kll yourself. [Jason keeps checking his watch. All the remaining hostages look especially nervous. At the end of 30 seconds, he takes aim at Oliver who bows his head and covers his ears.] Regina: [impulsively] sht me. Jason: You really want — Regina: Yes. [He turns the gn on her. House watches, fascinated.] Regina: No, no! She just needs time! She just needs more time to find you the right — the right drug — time, she needs time. [The door bursts open.] Thirteen: It's me. [She closes the door.] [Oliver and Regina both look extremely relieved.] [Thirteen gives House the syringes. Jason gestures nervously toward her.] Jason: She takes it first. House: Adenosine slows the heart. Which is fine, if it's beating fast like yours. Not fine if it's normal, like hers. Following the math on this? Jason: She takes everything I take. I don't want anything that cross-reacts. [Thirteen has tied a tourniquet on her arm. She injects herself and removes the tourniquet. She collapses on the floor. House kneels down beside her, as does Regina] House: The martyr's heart is beating dangerously slow. Are we good to go? [He injects Jason while Regina tends to Thirteen.] [House feels for Jason’s pulse.] Your heart's back to normal. No tachycardia. No sign of a heart defect at all. [pause] But you're sweating. Jason: I nearly had a heart attck. You're surprised I'm sweating? House: On one side of your face, but not the other. Jason: What’s that mean? House: A tumor is pressing on your sympathetic nerves. You have lung cancer. [Cut to the office, later. Thirteen is on the couch. Regina is next to her.] Regina: Pulse is down below 50. House: So's her IQ. Help her up. Get her heart going faster. [He looks at Oliver who goes over to help.] Jason: I need proof it's cancer. House: Of course you do! [He dials his cell phone as Regina and Oliver start walking Thirteen around the room.] [Cut to an ICU or recovery room. Wilson is checking on a patient. His phone rings. He takes it out, looks at the caller ID and answers.] House: It's gotta be a Pancoast tumor. Patient's got dyspnea, seventh-nerve palsy. He's sweating on one side of his face. Wilson: Everything okay in there? House: Take your time. It's not like I've got a gn to my head. Wilson: Lung cancer usually shows up lower than the seventh nerve. Did you check his throat? House: [to Jason] Spit on the floor. Jason: What? House: If I do it, I can't tell Cuddy that it was medically necessary. I'm gonna ask you to piss on her chair next. [Jason tries to spit. Nothing comes out. He coughs.] Dry mouth. His parotid glands aren't working. Wilson: If there's swelling, it's a Pancoast tumor that's metastasized. [House hangs up and goes to Jason. He puts his hand under Jason’s jaw.] House: Feel that. Right there. Jason: [feeling it] If it's cancer, there must be a test. House: You just did it. Jason: What about an X-ray or something? House: Good idea. Oh, damn. I left my CT machine in my other pants. Jason: How many hostages do you think it would cost me for a trip to radiology? [Cut to the lobby. Nikki and Sandra come out. The cops hustle them away.] [Cut to the office. The remaining hostages are tying themselves together. Thirteen looks unsteady.] [Cut to the now empty lobby. The remaining hostages — House, Thirteen, Regina, Bill and Oliver are tied in a circle around Jason. They shuffle across to the elevator. House pushes the button] House: So… what made you snap? HMOs? Jason: Shut up. House: Nah, you saw 16 doctors. How bad could they have been? Jason: Shut up! [The elevator arrives and they shuffle in.] House: Humiliation? Doctors treating you like a piece of meat? Too many fingers and tubes up your holes. You hate doctors. You want to take back control. If so, I apologize for the fact that you are a piece of meat. Jason: I just want an answer. That's all. [The elevator arrives. Time lapse photography as they shuffle down the empty halls. Electric doors open as they approach and close behind them.] [Cut to Radiology. Jason locks the door.] Jason: Everyone stays in here with me. [Cut to the SWAT team creeping down the halls the hostages just traveled.] [Cut to Radiology. The hostages are no longer tied together. Jason checks the observation booth.] Jason: If you need anything from in there, get it now. [House, with a look at Thirteen, limps to the booth. He puts a monitor and other equipment on a cart and rolls it out. Jason is on the CT bed. He gestures toward Oliver, Regina and Bill.] Jason: Move around. [He lies down with his head in the headrest.] Anyone moves… I fre. [House starts the computer and nods to Thirteen who starts the CT.] House: That's not all. Curiosity's not enough. There's gotta be a deeper reason. Jason: You never did anything just because you had to know? House: Never sht anyone. Jason: You're not me. This is my body. This is my life. And there's a truth out there. I'd rather rot in jail knowing than… I can't handle not knowing. [The gn, which is facing Regina, quivers.] House: Yeah. [House looks at the monitor and makes a face. He stops the CT and jerks his head toward Thirteen to reverse the carriage and bring Jason out. House picks up a pad and writes on it. He hands the pad to Oliver.] Hold that. [to Jason] You want your answer, you gotta give me the gn. [Jason looks at him. House turns the monitor around. There’s an image of the interior of the CT with bright white streaks all over in, radiating from a central point.] House: What's this? Thirteen: Starburst artifact. The metal from the gn is ruining the image. House: [to Oliver] Show him. Oliver: [turning the pad around] Starburst. House: Now, unless you think we pre-arranged that, just in case we were ever held hostage by a guy who needs a CT, we're not lying. So you have two choices. You can give me the gn and get your answer. Or you can sh*t me. [There’s a long pause as Jason thinks. He points the gn at House.] Jason: I'm not gonna give you the gn. [Cut to the clinic waiting area and shts of all the chairs the hostages were sitting in at the beginning of the episode. Their hats and coats are still on the chairs] [Cut to the hallway outside Radiology. There are SWAT team members on both ends, mostly behind the desk at the far side. The doors open. Bill and Regina run out. They run toward the desk. Cuddy goes to Regina.] Cuddy: Why did he release you? Regina: House got him to give up his gn. We just ran. [Cut to Radiology. House is typing on the keyboard. The gn rests on the table next to him. Oliver comes up behind him. The phone starts ringing.] House: [looking back at Oliver] Why are you still here? Oliver: Curious. It's safe now, right? [House types a little more. Thirteen reverses the CT carriage and Jason comes out and sits up.] Jason: They’re gonna be through that door any moment. Just show me the tumor. House: There isn't one. I don't know what you have. [Thirteen goes behind House to look at the screen herself.] Jason: So… It's over. Thanks for trying. [He hops off the CT bed and puts on his suspenders.] [House puts his hand on the gn. He thinks for a moment then stands and gives Jason the gn. Oliver and Thirteen look on in disbelief.] [Cut to later. Jason is on a chair. Thirteen is sitting on the CT bed with her legs dangling off. House is pacing. The phone is still ringing.] Jason: You had four theories. You ruled out four theories. Maybe no one can cure me. [House grabs the phone.] House: He overpowered me and got the gn back. [He hangs up.] Thirteen: [to House] You're a coward. You need to know everything because you're afraid to be wrong. You're so afraid of being ordinary, of being just another doctor, just another human being, that you'll risk other people's lives. House: I'm arrogant. You're the coward. You're terrified of death. You just want to cheat it by making it come sooner. Gives you the illusion of control. Oliver: [standing in the corner behind Thirteen] Can I go? House: Sorry. We might need you. [The phone starts ringing again. House picks it up and slams down the receiver.] How do they expect me to think? [Cut to the desk. Cuddy and Bowman are talking.] Bowman: Is he lying? Cuddy: Why would he do that? Bowman: Over time, hostages start to root for the captor. Cuddy: House isn't the rooting kind. Bowman: No, he's the obsessive, defiant kind. [into his communications headset] Mic the door. Get a frame charge. [to Cuddy] I hope your boyfriend knows what he's doing. [Cut to House’s office. Wilson is leaning against the wall. Foreman and Taub are pacing. Cameron is sitting next to the desk. Kutner is in the Eames chair. The phone rings. Wilson puts it on speaker. Intercut between House’s office and Radiology.] Wilson: Are you insane? House: He's quick for a sick guy. Dyspnea, anemia, seventh-nerve palsy, tachycardia. [He puts his cell phone on speaker and drops it on the counter.] Long passes. Anything. Go. Foreman: I don't believe it. Chase was right. You're gonna kll someone. I don't want to be a part of it. [He leaves.] Taub: Loa loa filariasis. House: You ever been to Cameroon or on the Ogowe River? Next. Cameron: Could be Q fever if he's had exposure to goats. Jason: No goats. Kutner: [getting up and approaching the desk] Histiocytosis X explains the lung involvement and — House: [getting up and approaching Jason] Whoa, whoa, whoa… We have a new symptom. He is turning his head, favoring his left ear. Means he's partially deaf in the right. Wilson: Three hours ago, he had superhero hearing. Cameron: Cushing’s causes fatigue, breathing problems, fluctuating hearing. Kutner: Even increased aggression and risk-taking. Jason: I'm doing this by choice. It's not a symptom. House: We'll keep that between us till you talk to your lawyer. [He picks up the wall phone and pushes the intercom and speakerphone buttons. He speaks to Bowman] I need dexamethasone and enough time to provoke a respiratory reaction and confirm Cushing’s syndrome. Bowman: [voice over] You need more time? House, we're not negotiating with you. Actually, we're through negotiating. Jason: [standing up and shouting] I've still got three hostages left. I'll give you one. Bowman: And no more testing drugs on a sick doctor. Jason: Fine. Send in the drugs. [Cut to the door. Oliver rushes out the door past Cuddy who is giving House the drugs. A member of the SWAT team calls to him.] Cop: Son, come here, come here. Cuddy: House, you can't — [He closes the door in her face. The lock clicks.] [Cut to Radiology. House prepares a syringe.] House: If you have Cushing’s, this will slow your breathing. Jason: Give it to her first. House: Those were not the terms. Jason: [pointing the gn] I lied. These drugs could be fake. House: Why would I do that? I gave you back the gn! Jason: You wouldn't. They would. House: She has Huntington’s. If these drugs are real, it could screw up her liver. Thirteen: [grabbing the syringe and injecting herself in the hip] The chances are slim. Chances of him sh*ting one of us, on the other hand — House: Don't do — [House glares at Thirteen.] Jason: How long do you have to live? Thirteen: Eight, ten years. House: klling her is your chance to get personal? Jason: Huntington's doesn't have — [He gasps as House injects him.] doesn't have a cure? Thirteen: No. Jason: So if we get out of here — House: If she were clinging to hope, she wouldn't be standing in line waiting for you to order up more drugs. [He puts on a stethoscope and goes to Jason.] Take a deep breath. [Jason takes a couple of breaths.] Jason: Not knowing what was wrong with me… made me miserable. Maybe that's insane. Doing this… Yeah. Insane. But I had something to gain. You can't take risks with no upside at all. House: [removing the stethoscope] I can't decide which is riskier, taking crazy risks or taking advice on crazy risks from a crazed risk-taker. [He goes to Thirteen and feels for her pulse.] Heart's racing. Fever. [He lays her down on the CT bed and turns to Jason.] And your breathing's unchanged. Jason: Does that mean she… House: Means I was wrong. Her kidneys are shutting down because of the meds you made her take. [Cut to Radiology, later. House touches Thirteen’s side and she cries out in pain.] House: We have to get her out of here. [He opens his cell phone.] The dexamethasone is making Thirteen's kidneys fail, but not the patient's — why? [Intercut between House’s office and Radiology.] Cameron: This guy's been on 50 different medications. Maybe his kidneys should be failing, but something's protecting them. House: [to Jason] I need to slap you. For diagnostic purposes. [Jason points the gn at him.] Seriously. If I was jerking you around, I'd say I needed to kick you in the groin. [Jason lowers the gn and House slaps him across the face.] That twitch is Chvostek's sign. Don't ask me how Chvostek’s discovered it. [into the phone] He has calcium deficiency. Drugs that block calcium tend to shield against kidney damage. Cameron: He's been on protein pump inhibitors for years for his stomach pain. House: Those drugs have been protecting his kidneys for years. He has something that has a long incubation period. Something that should have wrecked his kidneys. Something that explains breathing problems, heart problems, jumpy nerves, and weak blood. Taub: Leishmaniasis. House: Would make perfect sense if our patient was an Arabian Bedouin. Cameron: Melioidosis. Bacteria gets into the lungs, spreads to the heart. It explains everything. House: Except that if you read the history, you'd know that our patient has never been to a tropical climate! Cameron: Is he absolutely sure of that? Mexico. Costa Rica. You've never been — Jason: I've never been anywhere south of Florida. [House turns slowly. In the office, Cameron, Taub and Kutner all look at each other.] House: You idiot. Jason: Florida counts? House: Well, not to the Supreme Court. But it's warm enough for germs. [He closes his cell phone and walks over to the wall phone.] You keep blaming doctors when you can't even give a halfway decent history. [He pushes a button on the wall phone. Bowman answers.] Bowman: Negotiation's over. House: It will be as soon as you get us three grams of ceftazidime. Bowman: He comes out, he gets all the medicine he wants. Jason: You can have Dr. House. House: [disconnecting the call] Why are you getting rid of me? Jason: I need to trade you for the answer. House: You're gonna give her the meds. Jason: No… House: Come on, give 'em to me instead. Jason: [apologetically] She's taken everything I've taken. The combination of meds could knock me out. House: [angrily]Her kidneys are failing. You give her those drugs, she'll be dad by the time they get the cuffs on you. Jason: I need my answer. House: Your obsession is gonna kll her! Jason: Your obsession gave me back the gn! [He points the gn at House.] House: [calmer now] It is pointless to give her those drugs. Even if they are screwing with you, this is your last diagnosis. Jason: Only if you're right. Thirteen: [pushing herself to a semi-sitting position] House, get out of here. House: Shut up. I'm not leaving. Thirteen: Who's the martyr now? Either the drugs kll me or he kills me. Doesn't seem to make a lot of difference. [Cut to the desk. Cuddy gives the drugs to a cop. He and a backup creep down the hall. The door to Radiology opens. House comes out slowly. The cop tosses the meds in. The door lock clicks.] [Cut to Radiology. Thirteen prepares the syringe.] Thirteen: You really don't feel bad about klling me? Jason: Not if you don't feel bad about klling yourself. Thirteen: I don't want to die. Jason: Yeah, you do. You just don't have the nerve to actually do it. You just want it out of your control. Well, it is. 'Cause I've got a gn. [He points it.] [Insert of the hallway. The SWAT team moves into place, setting the frame charge.] [Cut to Thirteen getting ready to inject herself. She stops.] Thirteen: Don't do this. Jason: Either I do this with you alive, or… [Insert of SWAT team connecting wires.] Thirteen: Please. Sometimes you just have to trust people. [Insert of SWAT team finishing the job.] [Thirteen gets ready to inject herself. Jason keeps the gn aimed at her. His hand is shaking.] Thirteen: I don't want to die! I don't want to die! [Insert of SWAT team member pushing a button.] [Jason grabs the syringe and injects himself as the far wall blows apart. He and Thirteen are thrown to the floor.] [Cut to House still standing in the hallway. The camera returns to slow motion. He winces as the blast blows open the doors behind him. Cuddy, behind the desk, straightens up as the blast blows her hair around.] [Cut to Radiology. All the dust from the blast makes it look foggy. Two flashlights shine. They turn out to be lighted scopes on the SWAT team’s rfles. One of them reaches Jason and turns him over.] [Cut to the hallway. House turns and enters Radiology.] [Cut to Radiology. The camera returns to real time as House limps to Thirteen and turns her over. The cops cuff Jason and take him out.] House: Why are you still alive? Thirteen: He didn't make me take it. [Cut to House and many cops in riot gear getting off the elevator in the lobby. Cuddy is leaning on the front desk. She straightens up when she sees him. House takes a pill. Jason is behind him with some cops. House takes a deep breath with his hand on his diaphragm. Jason takes the hint, straightens up and takes a deep breath. House nods imperceptibly and Jason smiles slightly at him. The cops take Jason away.] [Cut to Thirteen’s hospital room. Foreman is at her bedside.] Foreman: A week of temporary dialysis, your kidneys will be okay. [she sighs] I'm sorry I backed out of the differential. Thirteen: About that Huntington’s drug trial… [She smiles at him.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She looks around at all the destruction; the writing on the wall, plants and books, knocked over, blood on the floor. House, wearing his coat, limps in, looking around for his cane.] House: Test confirmed melioidosis. Easy to miss on a stain. [He retrieves his cane.] Scans and X-rays vary widely. Cuddy: Is that all you care about? A moron storms the clinic, bullies his way into life without parole, you enabling him every step. House: If he hadn't done what he did, he'd be d*ad. Good thing you enabled my every medical move. [He moves to stand closer to her.] Cuddy: You think I handled this differently because you were in here? House: I don't know. Let's try it again without me. Cuddy: This is why you and I can't be a… thing. [Cuddy turns around and walks back behind her desk.] House: If you're suggesting that you screwed up because of a non-relationship with me, I don't know how I can help you. 'Cause the only change you can make from a non-relationship is… Cuddy: You want a relationship? House: God, no. Just trying to follow your logic. [She looks at him. He starts to leave. She sits at her desk, pulling out the center drawer, which House was booby-trapping at the beginning of the episode. House hesitates at the sound, and gives a satisfied grin as the drawer breaks apart and everything falls out. House strides out of the hospital.] [Cut to aerial view of PPTH at dusk] [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x09 - Last Resort"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a stadium. Emmy, in a black running suit, climbs a couple of rows to the top of the bleachers, facing away from the field. Behind her are 8 or 10 people in red hoodies and black pants. They are climbing the stairs, going past Emmy as she films a commercial.] Emmy: Do you want a lean body for summer? Well, the time to start is now. No gimmicks, no crash diets, and absolutely no drugs. Think healthy and be healthy. You can start now. Just pick up the phone and become the best you you can be. [As Irv, a heavy man, reaches her, sweating profusely, he falls. The rest of the group in red keep climbing.] Irv: Ohh. Director: Cut! Going again. Irv: Sorry, did I mess up the commercial? Emmy: No, it's fine. Are you okay? Irv: Ah, I think it's cramps. Oh, I have burning on my side. Emmy: Sit down, take a few minutes, and catch your breath. Everybody else keep running! [Some of the extras have reached the top of the stadium. They turn and pass Emmy on the way down.] Director: We're not filming. Emmy: We don't do this for the cameras. We do it for ourselves. Director: [quietly, to Emmy] We can't go again with him sitting there. Emmy: Fine, um, but that felt phony. At least let me get a little workout. Maybe if I’m breathing as hard as they are, I won't seem like such an evil task master. Director: All right, take five, guys. Emmy: [to Irv] How you feeling? Irv: I think I’m ready to do this. Emmy: You sure? [Irv stands.] That's it. That's the way to fight through. [She gets into position to walk up the bleachers next to him.] All right, concentrate on those knees. Lean into it. And lift. Irv: Lifting. Emmy: Come on, push it! Irv: Lifting. Emmy: Come on, you're almost at the top. Those eight steps are the difference between fat and thin. Seven, six, five, four! One more! Nice job! [Irv reaches the top a throws his arms high in celebration.] You feel that burn? That's your body carving out its new shape. Irv: Okay. Emmy: Don't sit. Just take it slow on the way down. Irv: [whispers] Oh, boy. [He walks down a couple of steps until he is abreast with Emmy. She looks a little spacy.] Are you okay? [Emmy falls over and rolls down the bleachers. She comes to a stop where the camera crew is sitting. The lighting guy pulls a light stand away. The crew and Irv group around her.] [Opening Credits] [House arrives for the day. He gets into the elevator. As the doors start to close, Cuddy runs up and joins him.] Cuddy: Any idea why we're getting half as many requests for you as usual? House: Democrats' health care plan? Cuddy: At least we have one case that looks intriguing. 30-year-old fitness trainer suddenly can't breathe. Collapses and breaks her ankle. [He grabs the file and starts reading.] That's it? You're not gonna argue why this case is beneath you? House: No point. I'm in an elevator. Can't run away. Cuddy: You can't run away anyway. House: That's just mean. [They get off the elevator and walk down the hall side by side.] Why are we still together? Cuddy: We are going to our office. House: Pronoun confusion. Starts kicking in once you pass child-bearing age. Cuddy: Well, that's just mean. My office was recently destroyed. I thought I’d use the office of the doctor directly responsible. [She blocks the door to House’s office with her arm.] House: I think the patient holding the gn to my head was actually the one directly responsible. Cuddy: My desk won't fit in his cell. You can use our outer office. [He watches as Cuddy makes herself at home at his desk.] [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room. House enters. Taub and Kutner are at the table.] House: Where's Foreman and Thirteen? Taub: Down in the GRC. Thirteen started her clinical trials today. Kutner: What's Cuddy doing in your office? House: Other than throwing off the feng shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once? Cuddy: [calling from House’s office] These walls aren't soundproof. House: I'm well aware. [to Kutner and Taub] Normal CT means that her lung problem has the distinction of having nothing to do with her lungs. Taub: [looking at a photo from the file] Steroids. No one looks this fit without cheating. Anabolic steroids hack away at the immune system, left her open to a pulmonary infection. House: [looking at the picture] Wow. Muscles and curves. My penis is so confused. Kutner: She's not on steroids. Her program's all about getting in shape naturally — exercising, eating right. Taub: And you know this because? Kutner: She has infomercials to sell her DVDs. What? I'm up late a lot. House: And you actually believe what you see on TV. Go run the labs. Cuddy: [loudly] The labs are back. And there's no sign of steroid use. Can someone please read her file? House: Can someone please stop backseat differentialating? Kutner: What about allergies? She goes jogging every morning. Inhales car fumes during rush hour. Cuddy: [joining them] Perfect, except that she was jogging half a mile from the nearest road. In the cold. Cold air hits the lungs, sets off an attck. Exercise-induced asthma. House: Nice try. Except EIA doesn't account for the elevated BP, if you'd read the file. [to Taub and Kutner] Come on. Before the shrieking harpy melts my brain. [They follow House into the hallway.] Taub: Her BP's fine. House: I know. Kutner: Exercise-induced asthma actually fits. House: I know. You know. She can't know. Taub: The only good way to test for EIA is to recreate the conditions in which the attck occurred. But we can't exactly make her run out in the cold on a broken ankle. House: Get creative. [He fakes giving Taub Emmy’s photo. When he reaches for it, House gives it to Kutner.] [Cut to the clinical trials area. Thirteen sits in the waiting area, alone. A nurse enters a treatment room. Thirteen turns and sees Janice, a patient with advanced Huntington’s. Her body jerks uncontrollably.] [Cut to a flashback of young Remy standing at the kitchen sink. She looks into the bedroom. Her mother is sitting on the bed, her body jerking like Janice’s. Mr. Hadley goes to help her. He sees Remy.] Mr. Hadley: It's gonna be okay. [He closes the bedroom door.] [Cut to the nurse closing the door to the treatment room.] [Cut to a refrigerated room in the morgue. Two bodies are at the edge of the frame, their feet, with toe tags, are visible. Kutner and Taub are wearing overcoats. Emmy, wearing just her hospital gown, is using exercise machine that works the arms like a stationary bicycle works the legs. She’s hooked up to a blood pressure monitor.] Taub: Any shortness of breath? Tightness in your chest? Emmy: Feeling pretty good actually. Kutner: Not even breathing hard. O2 stats and lung capacity are still well within range. Taub: Your cuff's slipping down. You want to stop for a moment? Emmy: I'd rather not. Haven't had any exercise in two days. Taub: Take it you don't get a lot of fat in your diet. Emmy: I take it from your tone you think that's a bad thing. Taub: Do you ever indulge? Emmy: Ha. There's more to life than indulging your every whim. Taub: I didn't say every. But a whim every now and then can make life a little — Kutner: You okay? Trouble breathing? Emmy: [She has the same spacy look she had before she fell.] No, I feel fine. Why? [She falls over. Taub catches her while Kutner gets an Ambu bag.] Taub: [checking her neck] No pulse. This isn't asthma. [Cut to clinical trials treatment room. Thirteen is tapping her fingers on a machine.] Thirteen: There a lot of other people in the trial? Foreman: I'm taking over the people that already started it at Mercy. So pretty full. Stop. [He resets the machine.] One more time. No talking. Thirteen: I shouldn't be here. It's nepotism. I know the guy running the drug trials, so I get a spot. Foreman: You have Huntington’s, so you get a spot. Stop. One more time. Just the fingers. No mouth. Thirteen: The point of this thing is to improve neural cell longevity. Which doesn't matter much before symptoms. So you should give my spot to someone — Foreman: Shut up. Stop. You can stop feeling guilty. Your best tapping rate was .004 taps per millisecond. Means your nerves have started degenerating. [Cut to Diagnostics. House is in the conference room, peeking at Cuddy who is still at his desk. She’s awkwardly bouncing the big ball. He comes to the doorway.] House: You wanna work in here? Fine. Me too. We'll split the desk, 50-50. That side's yours. This side's mine. Cuddy: You're right. There's plenty of space here. Neither one of us needs all of it. House: So that's your strategy. Taking the high road. It's not gonna work. Cuddy: Huh? Did you say something? I couldn't hear you from all the way over here on my side of the desk. Taub: [entering with Kutner] Patient's heart stopped. Kutner: We shocked her back to sinus rhythm. She's sab. Test didn't set it off. Her EKG was normal. House: Well, she's consistent. The lung problems had nothing to do with her lungs. A heart problem that has nothing to do with her heart. Something is strangling her system. Kutner: Carcinoid tumor? House: Find it, cut it out. [Cut to Taub and Kutner performing a scan on Emmy.] Kutner: Can a leaking breast implant cause joint pain? Taub: No. And she clearly doesn't have implants. Or joint pain. What's going on? Kutner: Got another patient. I set up an online second opinion clinic. People who don't like or trust their doctors e-mail symptoms. I can knock off four or five cases over lunch. Clear two grand by e-mailing them back. Ascending colon's clean. Taub: That's got to be illegal. Kutner: Only in nine states, and this isn't one of them. Legal notice spells out it doesn't replace doctor's visits. So there's no opportunity for malpractice. Taub: How come you haven't said anything about this? Kutner: It's no big secret. I guess I’m just not very chatty. Taub: You told us when you renewed your subscription to National Geographic. Kutner: Small intestine looks clean. Moving into the pylorus. Taub: So you don't mind if I tell House? Kutner: Actually House may sort of mind because I sort of set it up in House's name. Nothing in the bile duct. Taub: And by "set it up in his name," you mean? Kutner: I mean it's Dr. Gregory House's second opinion clinic with medical advice direct from Dr. Gregory House. Taub: You're insane. With two days to live. Kutner: House is never gonna find out. Taub: He will if I tell him. Or you cut me in for 30% and I keep your secret safe. Kutner: That's blackmail. Taub: Yes. Moving into the — [He stares at the screen.] Whoa — Kutner: That's her stomach? [The scan is on the screen.] It's the size of a sht glass. Taub: Because our patient's a big, fat cheater. [Cut to House’s office. He puts a picture of Emmy when she was fat is on the light board. Cuddy is at the desk, talking on the phone.] House: Subtle. No way you geniuses could've spotted this. Taub: Gastric bypass surgery. She had her stomach stapled. Then had the records from her files pulled so it wouldn't ruin their DVD sales. Cuddy: [into the phone] Hold on a second. [She puts her hand over the mouthpiece and turns to House.] Can you do this outside? House: I could, but that would defeat the purpose of doing it here. Where are the smart guys? Taub: If you mean Foreman and Thirteen, apparently the first appointment of the drug trial's an all-day thing. House: I said yes to this? Kutner: Her gastric bypass procedure could cause — House: Forget the bypass. Treat her like a fat girl. Taub: Should we treat her like a 60-year-old Asian man too? She's not fat. House: Not on the outside. But on the inside, she's still tons of fun. Kutner: When she was obese, she probably had type two diabetes. Could've left her with permanent nerve damage. House: Ten points for doing what I said. Minus ten points for doing it badly. If this was diabetes-induced nerve damage, it would've kicked in years ago. [Turns to his desk. Cuddy is still on the phone. Loudly] Have you seen my balls? Cuddy: Can you hold on a second? [She puts the phone against her shoulder and turns to listen to House.] House: My balls. Have you seen my balls? Giant one and the red one. Cuddy: Your plan isn't gonna work. House: Of course it is. I try to make you miserable to make you leave. You deny that it's making you miserable. You try to make me miserable so I’ll stop making you miserable. And eventually you will leave, citing reasons that have nothing to do with misery. Cuddy: [searching in her purse] You're not bothering me. House: Step one complete. Cuddy: [into the phone] I'm gonna call you from my cell. [She hangs up.] And then I will come back in here. [She dials the cell.] Hey. Yeah, I just had to explain to him that I had his balls and he's not getting them back. [She pats House on the arm as she walks past him.] Excuse me. Kutner: Sleep apnea explains — House: Apnea would've disappeared when she shrank. Taub: Not if it destroyed the musculature of her trachea. Kutner: Apnea cuts off oxygen to the brain. The resulting neurological damage — House: She been snoring? Taub: She didn't mention it. House: Did she mention feeling tired after a full night's sleep? Kutner: No, but — House: [staring at the photo] This isn't apnea. And this is a stupid room to be doing a DDX in. [He walks out.] [Cut to clinical trials treatment room. House enters, followed by Kutner and Taub.] House: Cliff notes. Gastric bypass only makes her skinny on the outside. On the inside, we have heart and lung issues not caused by heart and lung issues. Foreman: Private area, House. It can wait. Thirteen: You need to consider side effects from her gastric bypass surgery. Kutner: Forget the bypass. House: Let the dying girl finish. Kutner: You said forget the — House: Tssss. Dr. Thirteen has the floor. Thirteen: Bypass could create malabsorption issues. Leads to low potassium. House: Very stupid. Her potassium's fine. Kutner: But her intestines aren't. Gastric bypass could cause malabsorption by creating a blind loop of bowel. It ulcerates during exercise. Bacteria get loose in the bloodstream. Migrate to the heart and lungs. House: Very not stupid. Bacteria in the bowels means there's bacteria in the poop. Get some and test it. [Taub and Kutner leave.] Foreman: He could've come up with SIBO anywhere else in the hospital. You didn't need to come down here and screw with us. House: But her wrong idea led to his right one. It was vital screwing. [Cut to Emmy’s room. Taub is holding a bedpan.] Taub: We think your surgery might've caused an infection called SIBO. The stool test will help us to confirm. Put some of what you're full of in here. Emmy: If surgery could somehow make you taller, wouldn't you do it? Taub: Sure. But I wouldn't call a meeting of the Lollipop Guild and tell them they can grow if they work real hard at it. Emmy: I don't tell anyone not to get gastric bypass. I tell them how to get healthy. How to improve their lives. Taub: Yeah, by telling them to do what you were unwilling to. Emmy: I was willing to do anything. Thyroid, hormones, crash diets — none of it worked. My body was like a prison. When I got the surgery, I got healthy. And when I got healthy, I got happy. Taub: I'm not sure you're happy. But if you are, being healthy didn't do it. Being pretty did. Poop in the bedpan. [He taps it with his pen and leaves.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. It’s a mess.] Wilson: House's office? Really? Cuddy: Did he send you here to beg for it back? Wilson: Well, there are dozens of other doctors — Cuddy: Other doctors actually use their offices for crazy stuff like seeing patients. Not throwing a ball against the wall and calling it work. Wilson: It's his process. That ball saves lives. Cuddy: Did he give you talking points? Wilson: Yeah, but I added one of my own. Don't take his office and pretend like all you're doing is taking his office. You chose his room because you want to be there. But sitting near him and hoping isn't gonna get it done. Cuddy: Leave here now, or I’ll take your office. Wilson: No, you won't. [Cut to Kutner and Taub in the lab.] Kutner: The boob lady e-mailed me again complaining of chronic fatigue now. She's convinced the implants are responsible. Taub: They're not. Kutner: I told her. She says something is, and if I don't find out what she's gonna complain to the licensing board. [Taub chuckles.] It's not funny. Taub: It is. You just can't appreciate it because it's gonna destroy your career. House: [standing behind them, unnoticed] What happened? He call Foreman "clean and articulate" again? It is surprising. Taub: Clinic patients just whining. House: What's the poop? Kutner: It's gonna take about an hour to spin down the sample. House: What are we looking for? Kutner: You don't know? House: I'm doing my famous Socrates impression. Think I really nailed the accent. Taub: High fat content indicates SIBO. House: And what does fat do in water? [He’s at the sink with the tap turned on.] Kutner: It floats. House: What else floats in water? [He plops a large vat of water on the table next to Taub.] Correct answer is a duck. If it doesn't float, Kutner missed the boat. [He opens the equipment, picks up the stool sample in his gloved hand and drops it in the bucket. All three of them peer into the bucket.] House: Looks like I was wrong to dismiss apnea. You guys can stay up all night gloating in the sleep lab. [He drops the glove on the bucket and leaves.] [Cut to the sleep lab. Emmy is asleep with a c-pap mask on her face and an array of electrodes attached to her forehead. Kutner and Taub watch from the observation room. Kutner is looking at the “boob lady’s” x-rays.] Kutner: What about all that scar tissue around the implant? Could that be — Taub: That amount of encapsulation's perfectly normal. Kutner: Well, I gotta tell her something. Taub: Tell her to find a decent plastic surgeon who can correct the placement — Kutner: Yeah, that's what she wants to hear, she's sick and she's lopsided. Taub: Tell her it's a virus. It probably is, and it'll get her off your back for a few — [He looks at the sleep monitor.] Emmy’s EEG is flatlining. [Emmy’s bed is empty.] Kutner: Where would she have gone? [Cut to Rehab. Emmy has found a treadmill and she’s running. Her leg is still in a cast.] Emmy: Hey, I looked for you guys in the control room, but you seemed busy. Kutner: [turning off the treadmill] Get off there. Last time you exercised, you had a cardiac incident. Emmy: I feel fine. Taub: You felt fine last time. Emmy: I only slept a couple hours, but I feel great. Can I get one of those machines? Kutner: You're running on a broken ankle. Emmy: It doesn't hurt. Taub: And your leg is bleeding. [He gets a syringe and sticks her in the calf, just above the bloody cast.] You feel that? Emmy: [shaking her head] What does that mean? [He gives her a “significant” look.] [Cut to hallway. The whole team is walking with House.] Taub: Numbness in her left foot is ascending into her leg. House: How did she manage to sneak out for a run? Kutner: She said she needed to use the bathroom. House: You two get the results of the sleep apnea test, or did those need to use the bathroom too? Kutner: Alpha waves on the EEG ruled it out. [They walk into House’s office. All of them make disgusted faces.] Cuddy: I was mixing some hydrogen sulfide for good and valid reasons and must've spilled some on my side. Did it waft over to your side? House: Cunning plan. You do realize it’s gonna stink for hours — on both sides. Cuddy: Oh, would you look at the time? I hope your patient isn't still sick… Forcing you to stay here all night. [Cut to a hallway where the DDX continues.] Thirteen: Ascending numbness means her nerves are breaking down. Taub: Or her brain. House: Or both. Foreman: We've gotta go. Thirteen: Let me finish. I'll meet you down there. Foreman: You were 15 minutes late yesterday. I don't want you to develop bad habits. Thirteen: Appreciate the life lesson, but 15 minutes give or take isn't gonna make a difference. Get started on your other patients. I'll be down there when we're done here. House: Way to know where your bread is buttered, sister. [raising his hand for a high five] Up high! Thirteen: [ignoring his hand] If the problem's in her brain, it could be MS. Kutner: Or early onset Parkinson’s. Taub: But if it's her nerves, it could be transverse myelitis. House: Or a million other things. We're gonna stay in the dark until we can figure out if her electrical problem is in her power station or in the high-tension wires. [They stare at him.] Power station's the brain. Wires are the nerves. Go run an NCV test. [House looks at this deserted office as they leave.] [Cut to treatment room. Taub is attaching electrodes to Emmy’s legs.] Taub: The test will measure the amount of time it'll take this electrical impulse to travel along your nerves. Emmy: Will it hurt? Taub: No. Give me your arm. Emmy: You can ask nicely. Taub: I learned at med school you don't actually cure with kindness. Emmy: You're right. I'm a hypocrite. But I don't have a choice. Taub: Not really interested in your rationalizations. Emmy: If I’m open about the gastric bypass, no one would listen to me anymore. Taub: You mean no one would buy your DVDs. Emmy: It's not about the DVD sales. I'm helping people. My clients are making themselves healthy. They're living better lives. Can you honestly tell me you've never done anything hypocritical? [Taub doesn’t say anything.] I'm sure you had good reasons. Taub: Give me your arm… please? [Her arm is shaking as she raises it about six inches off the bed.] Keep your arm raised. [She has trouble keeping her arm up.] Emmy: Does this mean something is wrong with my nerves? Taub: No. It's your muscles. We don't need to run this test. It's not what we thought. [Cut to clinical trials waiting room. Foreman enters. No one is there. He looks at this pocket watch.] [Cut to an elevator. Kutner and Taub are there. DeeDee, a heavily tattooed blonde wearing a midriff-baring vest, stands behind them. Kutner keeps looking at her.] Taub: She has muscle weakness. Could indicate myasthenia gravis. Kutner: Yep. Taub: Also could be some kind of toxin. Kutner: [to DeeDee] Excuse me, are you going up to the personnel floors? DeeDee: I'm going to see Dr. House. Taub: Do you have an appointment with him? DeeDee: We've been e-mailing. Joint pain and fatigue thanks to these. [She grabs her breasts.] Kutner: I'm sure it's nothing. DeeDee: Oh, and now this. [She runs her hand through her long hair and drops a clump of it on the floor.] [The elevator doors open. House is on a bench directly in front of them. They both steer her back into the elevator.] Kutner: He's actually downstairs. Taub: Uh, gone. Gone for the day. But, uh, we work for him. We can set you up in the ER. [She shrugs.] [Cut to the elevator. Taub and Kutner are in it alone.] Taub: The antibiotics will make her feel better. She's outta here by morning. Kutner: If it is a staph infection. Taub: It's gotta be. She has sleeves of tattoos and piercings from God knows where. [The elevator doors open. As they step off, Taub talks loudly for House’s benefit.] Taub: She has muscle weakness. Could indicate myasthenia gravis. House: I had the weirdest dream. You guys did the test in a reasonable amount of time and came back here before I had time to fall asleep. [winces] You guys still smell that? Kutner: Maybe you should just let her have your office. House: Or… [Sean Connery imitation] She sends one of yours to the hospital, send one of hers to the morgue. It's not myasthenia gravis. Her breathing's improving and the weakness is in her extremities. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. Taub and Kutner follow House in.] Kutner: Could be a botulinum reaction. Taub: I don't think sabotaging your boss' office is a wise counterattack. House: All that is need for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing. [He hands Taub his cane and picks up a sledge hammer.] Kutner: She probably used a lot of botox to tighten up her skin. House: True. [He limps into the bathroom.] Could also be any kind of heavy metal toxicity. PSP or arsenic from eating too much seafood. Cadmium from bad bottled water. Lead or nickel from canned fruits or natural grains. [He raises the sledge hammer and drops it in the toilet bowl. The front half shatters.] Taub: I don't think replacing that was part of the renovation plans. House: It is now. Lucky for us, we can treat all those toxins with the same thing: chelation. [Cut to Thirteen’s apartment. She enters. Foreman is already there, waiting for her.] Foreman: You never showed up. Thirteen: Get out of my house. Foreman: I wanted to find proof that you were slipping back into your self-destructive pattern. Confirm you weren't worth my time. Instead, I found this. [He holds up a notebook.] You followed all of my instructions to the letter. Probably better than any patient I have. So why are you the only one who can't show up for appointments? Thirteen: I came down right after I was finished with House. You were in your office with another patient. And there was another patient in the waiting room. Foreman: Janice. Thirteen: I'm well-aware of what's gonna happen to my body over the next eight to ten years. I do not need a visual reminder every time I walk into that place. Foreman: That's understandable. It's human. And you need to get over it. Now you show up on time tomorrow, or you don't show up at all. [Knocking is heard. It echoes as the scene cuts to flashback. Remy is on her bed with the door closed.] Mr. Hadley: [through the door] Your mom is leaving. You're gonna regret this the rest of your life. [Cut back to Thirteen in the present.] [Cut to Emmy’s room. She’s just lying there.] [Cut to stairwell. House is at the vending machine. All four fellows sit on the stairs above him.] Taub: The chelation didn't work. Her muscles are still deteriorating. House: That rules out toxins. So what else can go wrong when the Hindenburg deflates? Taub: Why aren't we doing this in your office? House: Obviously because it would be stupid to do this in an office with no furniture. Cuddy… overreacted to my overreaction. Thirteen: Coronaro-cardiac fistula. Even a small hole could cause — House: This started in the lungs, not the heart. And why are you leaning on a 45-degree angle away from Foreman? Thirteen: [sitting up] I'm sitting straight. House: Trouble in the land of false hope? Foreman: Everything is fine. Austrian syndrome. House: Nice deflection. But our patient doesn't drink. She's a health nut. And even if I was a cynical guy and thought that she was a liar, I'd have done a tox screen, which would've come back negative for alcohol. You should come to these gatherings more often. Keep you from looking like an idiot. [Kutner’s beeper goes off.] Are you making book, or did something else happen to our patient? Kutner: Personal. I'll put it on vibrate. Taub: [His beeper goes off. He puts it on vibrate.] Guillain-Barré. Usually starts as a muscle pain patients compare to the pain of over-exercising. House: So who's paging you? Your wife? Does it worry you that she paged Kutner first? Foreman: Guillain-Barré fits. Patient didn't notice the initial symptoms because it's no different than how she feels every day. Her muscle weakness is the precursor to full paralysis. House: Gastric bypass probably set it off. Oh, at what price beauty? Go start her on plasmapheresis. [The fellows leave. House sits on the stairs.] [Cut to the ER. DeeDee is gowned and sitting/crouching on a bed.] DeeDee: [singing] She put de lime in de coconut. She drank it all up. She put de lime in de coconut. She drank it all up. [Kutner, Taub and Cameron are staring at her.] Kutner: DeeDee. DeeDee: She put de lime in de coconut. She drank it all up. Kutner: Can you stop singing? DeeDee: She put de lime in de coconut, call de doctor, woke him up an’ say. Cameron: Musical automatism. She could be having a partial seizure right now. You need to get House. DeeDee: Doctor! Ain't der notin I can take, I say Taub: DeeDee! DeeDee: Doctor! To relieve my bellyache, I say Cameron: Yelling at her is not going to be an effective treatment. Kutner: She's faking. It's a cry for attention. DeeDee: Doctor! She put de lime in de coconut Cameron: Her brain could be misfiring. DeeDee: She call de doctor, woke him up. Kutner: Right, a rare neurological disorder is far more likely than a cry for attention. I mean, nothing about this woman screams "look at me." DeeDee: I say Doctor! Ain’t der notin I can take, I say Cameron: [pulling DeeDee’s hair back] On the other hand, look at her. [DeeDee is bleeding from her ear.] She needs a full neurological work-up. DeeDee: Doctor! To relieve my bellyache. I say Doctor! Cameron: Get House! [DeeDee continues singing, less and less intelligibly.] [Cut to Emmy’s room.] Emmy: Ultimate irony. klled myself trying to make myself healthy. Taub: You're not dying, okay? This disease is manageable. Emmy: Better start getting used to that wheelchair. Self-pity doesn't suit you. Emmy: Just take me down to the — Taub: No. You're strong enough to walk. Come on, get your ass out of bed and walk. [She gets up and slowly walks, holding onto her IV pole. Taub holds her other arm.] [Cut to the cafeteria. Kutner is eating with Chase and Cameron.] Kutner: Could be an aneurysm. We've got to control her blood pressure. Start her on a calcium channel blocker. Chase: Or… you could tell House. Kutner: I can't tell House. Cameron: You'll be in trouble. On the other hand, she's sick. Kutner: She's singing. Chase: And bleeding out of her ears, and losing her hair. And an aneurysm doesn't explain her joint pain. Kutner: Wilson's disease does. Cameron: No Kayser-Fleischer rings. Kutner: Anorexia. Chase: Now you're just desperate. Kutner: Biliary tumor causing pareneoplastic syndrome. Chase: That might actually fit. I'll scan to confirm. Kutner: You'd do that for me? Chase: You don't have the time. Which means I can ask for 25% of your income and you'll give it to me. [Cut to Wilson’s office. House spreads a blueprint out on the desk, holding one side down with his cane and the other with a paperweight.] Wilson: You going over the fence? House: Took three visits, but I finally convinced the contractor that I’m Cuddy's boss. And all the office renovation plans need to go through me. Wilson: You did do the math on this, right? Screwing with her office means her renovations will take longer. Means she will be in your office longer. House: [marking an area on the blueprint] See there? I'm having a bidet put in instead of a toilet. Not in addition to. Instead of. You want to know what happened to the old toilet? Wilson: She'll be with you where you claim to not want her. House: I smashed it with a sledgehammer. Wilson: I think in some ancient cultures that was actually considered a proposal of marriage. House: Is this fun for you? Analyzing everyone else's fun away? Wilson: Ask her out. It'll cost the hospital a lot less. [Cut to Emmy’s room.] Taub: I brought some visitors. Cheer you up. It's okay. Come on in, guys. [The people from the commercial enter.] Irv: We're all staying on your plan. Nobody's cheating. Emmy: That's great. [He sits on the bed.] Uh, you're on my arm. Irv: We found out about your gastric bypass. How could you lie to us like that? Emmy: The doctors told you? [He shifts on the bed.] You're really hurting my arm. Irv: You're not the best you you can be. You're a fraud. You're a self-hating fat person. Emmy: You're really hurting me. Irv: Feel the burn. Other Visitors: Burn! Burn! [They close in on her, chanting.] Emmy: Help! [She screams then sits up in bed. She’s alone.] Get off of me! Get off of me! Get off of me! [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room. It is empty except for the sink. House lies on the floor, twirling his cane. Thirteen, Taub and Kutner sit against the wall.] Taub: Mood congruent hallucinations. Kutner: Means it's not Guillain-Barré. Thirteen: Which means whatever it is, it's now in her brain. [She gets up to leave.] House: Where are you going? Thirteen: Sorry. Treatment. House: Does Foreman schedule your appointments by numbers on the clock or just by when I’m in the middle of something? Thirteen: Sorry if I’m dying at a bad time for you. Could be CNS lymphoma. [She leaves.] House: [calling after her] So losing the 200 pounds was just a coincidence? [He gets up.] Taub: What about a prion disease? House: If her brain is slowly turning into a Swiss cheese, there's not a lot we can do. Taub: There are some possible treatments. House: Get a brain biopsy to confirm. Cuddy: You're not cutting into this woman's brain before you test. [She’s sitting on the floor of House’s empty office. She’s wearing a pencil skirt and stilettos. She jumps up and heads for the conference room.] House: That is the test. Cuddy: Not for CNS lymphoma, which is a perfectly legitimate diagnosis. One you can test for non-invasively. House: You're obviously not opposed to being invasive. Cuddy: Rule out CNS lymphoma first. Then rule out astrocytoma, then rule out other brain tumors… [House makes a fist and blows into it. He opens his hand, as a magician would, to show that it’s empty.] House: I hereby declare them ruled out. Cudddy: Run the tests. You can do a brain biopsy, but only as a last resort. [She returns to his office.] House: [following her] Start running down Cuddy's list of diseases it's not. [Taub and Kutner get up.] [Cut to the office. Cuddy is squatting on the floor.] House: You're not stopping me for medical reasons. You're stopping me… because you have the hots for me. Cuddy: You're still here because you have the hots for me. House: Evidenced by the fact that I’m the one who moved into your office. Cuddy: It's the biggest office. And I’m not the one that destroyed — House: Why are you dressed like that? Why do you try so hard to get my attention? Are you screwing with me? Cuddy: Are you screwing with me? House: That depends on your answer. [They stare at each other.] Cuddy: Everybody knows this is going somewhere. [pause] I think we're supposed to kiss now. House: We already did that. [He puts his hand on her breast.] It seemed like the logical next step. Cuddy: Really? I'm an idiot for being surprised. [She turns to leave. His hand is still on her breast.] House: Can you leave these? [She looks at him. He drops his hand and she walks out, leaving him alone in the empty office with his head bowed.] [Cut to clinical trials area. Thirteen enters. Janice is there, trying to get her jacket off. Foreman enters.] Thirteen: I'll keep coming, but can you change my appointment time? Foreman: Can't. Schedule's full. You're stuck with her. Might as well get to know her. [He leaves. Thirteen looks at Janice.] [Cut to flashback. Mrs. Hadley is in the station wagon. Mr. Hadley closes her car door and looks up at Remy who is staring out her window. He waves for her to come down. In the car, Mrs. Hadley’s body jerks uncontrollably.] [Cut to the present. Thirteen stares at Janice then goes over to help her with her jacket.] [Cut to Taub wheeling Emmy down a hallway.] Taub: Your head MRI was clean. Means you don't have CNS lymphoma. Emmy: What's next on the list? Taub: Other types of brain tumors. Emmy: Can we stop at the cafeteria? Taub: I can have something brought up for you. What do you want? Emmy: Chocolate cake. Taub: You can't give up. We're gonna figure this out. Emmy: What am I supposed to be hoping for? That you find a brain tumor? What else could it be? You were so hard on me about lying. How about you take some of your own advice and tell me the truth? What's next on the list? Taub: Prion disease. Emmy: And if that's what I got, how bad? Taub: There are a few treatments, but there's no guarantee. I'm sorry. Emmy: And you won't let me have a piece of cake? [Taub smiles slightly and goes back to pushing her wheelchair.] [Cut to House’s office. The furniture is back. House sits on the visitor’s side of the desk, holding his oversized tennis ball.] Taub: [entering] Uh, where's Cuddy? It's not CNS lymphoma. House: I know. Taub: She's getting worse. You want me to find Cuddy and get her approval for the brain biopsy? House: When you were philandering with impunity, how did that feel? Taub: Superficially, I loved it. But deep down, I think I was miserable. Why? What's going on? House: You weren't miserable. You gave something away to make a relationship work. You rationalize that you're getting something back. Taub: Okay, I’m gonna go get Cuddy's approval for the brain biopsy. House: Leave 'em there. I'm gonna do the biopsy myself. [He leaves.] [Cut to the hall as they get off the elevator and head for Emmy’s room. Taub follows House.] Taub: Cuddy wanted us to eliminate seven different things. House: Cuddy doesn't always get what she wants. Taub: Bad idea to get into a power play with somebody who has the power. House: You're fired. Just reinforcing your point. [They enter Emmy’s room.] Taub: Whatever personal drama you're playing out, you'd be a lot smarter to — [He stops. They both stare. Emmy is standing with her broken leg on a chair, doing stretches.] House: Thought you said she was sick. [Cut to Diagnostics. House is standing in the doorway between his office and the conference room. He’s resting his chin on his cane handle.] House: Sick people don't spontaneously get better. Thirteen: Yes, they do. It's called an immune system. House: Sick people who are sick enough to make it to me don't spontaneously get better. Not as pithy, but yeah, technically more accurate. What's the last thing you gave her? Taub: I took her for an MRI looking for — House: MRIs detect. They don't treat. What did you give her after the MRI? Taub: I didn't give her anything. She got depressed at the lack of direction. We went to the cafeteria for some chocolate cake. Took her to her room, hung a banana bag, let her rest. House: You gave her cake. Taub: She asked for it. I figured — House: You figured you'd let me play 20 questions instead of just telling me. [He leaves. Taub follows.] [Cut to Emmy’s room. She’s lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Taub enters, followed by House, pushing a cart. There’s a blue tablecloth on the cart and a large cake saver.] House: Feeling crappy again? I brought your cure. [He pulls off the lid of the cake container and gives it to Taub. There’s a whole, chocolate-frosted, two-layer cake inside.] I'd give you an IV of this stuff, but the frosting tends to get stuck in the little tubes. Emmy: Is this a joke? House: It's not a joke. Not a lie. Not an attempt to defraud in any way. It's an actual licensed physician with an actual diagnosis. Hereditary coproporphyria. [He brings a forkful to her and she turns her head away.] Your face is genetically blessed. Your body chemistry is slightly less so. [He eats the cake.] Doesn't make enough of a certain enzyme that I can't pronounce, but it's apparently important for your liver and everything else. Treatment is a high carb diet rich in sugar. When you were a porker, you were self-medicating. Emmy: So this is treatable. Taub: We just have to reverse your gastric bypass and get you back on a high carb, glucose-enriched diet. House: The best you you could be is a lot more you. [He brings another forkful of cake to her.] Open the hangar. Here comes the plane. Emmy: There's nothing else you can try? Taub: No. There's a drug that manages the symptoms, but it's not a cure. Emmy: Let's try that. Taub: You don't want to have the surgery? House: Understand. There's not many people who have the guts to admit they'd rather be pretty than healthy. The income's better and you get more action. I'll start you on your drug treatment right away. [He leaves.] [Cut to Taub and Kutner entering the ER.] Taub: I bought it. I bought that it was really about trying to make people's lives a little better. Kutner: You're surprised she's superficial? You're a plastic surgeon. This is the human condition. Taub: No, she's a freak. Kutner: Every time you put someone under to bob their nose, you were risking their life. [They reach the main ER area. Kutner stops.] Taub: What? Kutner: No singing. She's better. [They head to the bay DeeDee was in. Kutner pulls the curtain. The bed is empty. A nurse is there, filling out some forms.] Kutner: No one was supposed to let my patient leave her bed. Nurse: She had a respiratory arrest. We coded her nearly 20 minutes, but she didn't make it. [Kutner and Taub stare at each other in horror.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She and Wilson are entering.] Cuddy: House is an unemotional child incapable of intimacy or romance. Trust me, it's done. [She looks at the newly furnished office.] It’s perfect. Wilson: I like the desk. Lot of character. Cuddy: That's not the one I ordered. [She runs her hands over it.] This is my desk from med school. Wilson: You have it in storage or something? Cuddy: My mom did. Wilson: That was sweet of her to do that. Cuddy: She didn't. My mom has no idea I’m redoing my office. [She stands behind the desk with a smile on her face.] [Cut to clinical trials area. Foreman is putting on his overcoat. Thirteen enters.] Thirteen: I lied to you the other night. That woman in the waiting room, she didn't freak me out about my future. She freaked me out about my past. Foreman: Your mother. Must've been horrible watching her die. Thirteen: I wanted her to die. She just… yelled so much. And for no reason. Just screamed at me in front of my friends. My father tried to explain to me that her brain was literally shrinking, that she didn't mean it. That it was the disease, but I didn't care. I hated her. I never said good-bye. And she died with me hating her. [Foreman holds her in a hug.] [Cut to the morgue. DeeDee is on a table, draped with a sheet up to her armpits. Her skin is gray.] Taub: Did Chase test for the biliary tumor? Kutner: Said it was negative. Said she was sab when he left her. Should've found more time. We should've — Taub: House is gonna kll us. House: Slowly. [They turn. He’s standing behind them.] And painfully. You're not only idiots, you're frauds. Fraudulent idiots. Fraudulent idiotic Kllers, as it turns out. Kutner: House, this was really my — House: Your fault? Yeah! For pretending to be me when you're not even competent. [He throws a file at Kutner.] And your fault for not ratting him out while the patient was still alive. What she had was easily treatable. She could've been fine. Damn treatment's so simple. [He stares at her.] Might still be possible. [He hangs his cane on a lamp and climbs on the table.] Kutner: House… [House starts chest compression.] House, she's clearly dad. [As Taub and Kutner watch, DeeDee inhales loudly. They both jump back several feet, terrified. DeeDee sits up, laughing as House gets off the table.] Kutner: She was dad. House: She wasn't dad. She wasn't even sick, you moron. [DeeDee raises her hand and House gives her a high five.] Seriously, how good was she? No formal training. At least not in acting. DeeDee: Did you see their faces? House: I think we may have an a**l hygiene violation there. Taub: So the CT. House: That was from a patient three years ago. It was hard to find. But the hair and make-up, getting Chase and Cameron to play along, much easier. Kutner: We deserved it. I'll take down the website before — House: Take it down? Are you kidding? It's way too lucrative to shut it down. For Chase, for me. I earn 50% for letting you use my name. Chop chop. Go to work. First dollars go to expenses. I booked our little thespian here for two full days. That's three G's I owe her. DeeDee: And you still got 3 hours left. House: Do I? [He smiles slightly.] [Cut to Cuddy getting off the elevator. She walks down the hall, smiling to herself. She reaches House’s office and stops. House and DeeDee are there, talking. House has his motorcycle jacket on and is holding his helmet. DeeDee reaches across the inches that separate them to straighten the front of his jacket in a very intimate gesture. The smile on Cuddy’s face disappears as she watches them. She pivots and walks back toward the elevator quickly.]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x10 - Let Them Eat Cake"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on two stagehands on a catwalk shaking out artificial snow. The camera pans down to the stage as a chorus of children, dressed in costumes from the Nativity, sings.] Chorus: Joy to the world, the Lord is come. Let earth receive her king. Let every heart prepare him room. And heaven and nature sing, and heaven and nature sing, and heaven, heaven and nature sing. [Cut to backstage. The chorus can be heard in the background.] Sarah: This sucks. This is why we need to make a statement. You know? Natalie: I don’t think that — Sarah: What? You afraid we’ll wind up in detention? Natalie: Well, yeah. That’s… that’s what teachers do. Sarah: They’re not going to send all of us to detention. Rachelle: Mr. Henderson is totally lame and this is our best chance to inform him of that fact. [Natalie stares at her.] You don’t think he’s lame? [The audience applauds and the members of the chorus file off stage, past the girls.] Natalie: Well, yeah, but… Sarah: Then what’s the problem? Natalie: Okay. [She nods as the girls file onstage.] Announcer: The Robin Kay Academy Vocal Jazz Ensemble. [The curtain rises. The girls are standing in two rows. A pianist starts playing “The Christmas Song.”] Ensemble: Chestnuts roasting on an open fre, Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Yuletide carols being sung by a choir and folks dressed up like Eskimos. Everybody knows… Natalie: Mr. Henderson’s a stupid… [She stops when she realizes she’s the only one singing. There’s some laughter from the audience.] Why… why’d you do that? [She looks at the footlights, which seem out of focus.] I don’t feel so… so good. [She projectile vomits and falls to her hands and knees, still retching.] [Opening credits.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. Cuddy is giving the fellows a file.] Cuddy: 16-year-old female gets pranked and also gets visual hallucinations and vomiting. Turns out to be a failing liver. House: Why have Foreman’s breasts suddenly started to droop? Thirteen: Large breasts are a classic symptom of you letting Foreman take vacation days so he can finish his FDA reports before the end of the year. House: When are you taking vacation? [He raises his eyebrows suggestively.] Cuddy: Hepatic and neurological involvement — House: So I understand Foreman’s absence. Your presence, not so much. Cuddy: I’m bringing in a case. You may have noticed me doing that before. House: I’ve noticed you a lot recently. It’s almost as if you have a sexual interest in someone here. Like, say… Taub. Cuddy: Well, Taub might think that I like him if I stayed, which is why I’m gonna do this. [She leaves.] Taub: Somehow I don’t think that was really about me. Kutner: [reaching for the file] Uh… Wilson’s Disease. Thirteen: Ceruloplasmin’s normal. Taub: You got a Christmas present. Kutner: [grabs the card] “Greg, made me think of you.” [House limps over, grabs the present and throws it, still wrapped, in the garbage can.] House: That’s funny. Usually explodes after I do that. Thirteen: Alcohol abuse? Taub: She’s 16. The kind of boozing that destroys your liver that early, parents or teachers would notice. [He pulls the present from the trash and unwraps the book] Wow. Manual of the Operations of Surgery by Joseph Bell. Kutner: You throwing that away? House: Twice. [He grabs it and puts it back in the trash] Someone’s screwing with me. Forget it. Taub: Yeah. Gifting antique medical texts. Oldest gag in the book. Kutner: Handwriting’s kinda girly. You got an admirer, House? House: I said, forget the book! [The fellows look at each other] Why’d they pick on her? Kutner: He’s an overachiever. High grades. She volunteers. She’s a big target. House: I’m assuming literally. Depending on where this school falls on the Healthers scale… Thirteen: Do you think the kids slipped her something? Their teachers grilled them. House: When do teachers never know how to motivate their students? [Cut to OR observation area. Kutner and Chase are there with several of Natalie’s classmates.] Kutner: What did you do to Natalie? Sarah: It’s all my fault. [She’s smiling and texting, not looking at him.] I didn’t stop her from being a total pig. [Sarah and another girl laugh. Chase reaches over and takes the phone from Sarah’s hands.] Sarah (continues): What are you —? Chase: Your friend’s liver is failing. We’re doing what we can but she still might need a transplant. She could die unless you tell us what you gave her. Anna: Just tell him. Sarah: Shut up. [Chase looks between the two girls.] Anna: We gave her some shrooms. Sarah: We took some ourselves. We just… wanted to make her loosen up a little. Kutner: How thoughtful of you. You got any left? Sarah: They’re in Simon’s locker. [She looks at an ultra-preppy blond boy.] Kutner: This was your idea? Simon: No way. I didn’t give her anything. Kutner: Right, you just knew about it and let them do it. Simon: Poisonous mushroom and hallucinogenic ones are different. Chase: Not if they don’t dry properly. Kutner: Get back to school. You better hope we got to her in time. [Chase tosses Sarah’s phone back to her. As the other students follow Kutner out, she looks at the surgery going on below them.] Chase: What? Sarah: Am I going to get in trouble? Should we apologize or something? Chase: Yes. You should. Natalie’s on the third floor. Sarah: Who’s down there? Chase: [over his shoulder as he leaves] Mr. Raditz. [Cut to clinical trials area. Foreman is testing the range of motion in Thirteen’s arm.] Thirteen: Where’s the woman I spoke to last week? The trial patient, um, with the advanced symptoms. Foreman: She dropped out. Thirteen: Is she okay? Foreman: Not health-related. She just wants to drop out. Thirteen: Why? Foreman: She didn’t say. And I only break into the houses of very special patients to understand them better. [She smiles] Thirteen: I do good today, boss? Foreman: No rigidity. No cog wheeling. So, absolutely, I’d call that good. Thirteen: Great. Thanks. [She starts to leave.] Foreman: Your clipboard. Thirteen: Keep it. [He looks at the clipboard, which has a gift certificate for a day spa and a post-it which says “Thanks for helping me out. XO”] [Cut to the high school hall. Taub and Kutner are with a school janitor who is opening Simon’s locker.] Kutner: This place actually smells of evil. Taub: Where do you work, again? [The locker is opened. Kutner starts going through it] Why would House throw out a book worth hundreds of dollars? Kutner: [checking out the contents] To make you ask that question. Can you really put a price tag on screwing with people? Taub: Can you get us into Natalie Soellner’s locker while we’re here? [Kutner pulls out a baggie and closes the locker. They follow the janitor down the hall] House always has an agenda. Just screwing with us isn’t — Kutner: Yeah. He’d never do that. Oh, wait. He already did, last year. Remember the Secret Santa gift he got himself? Taub: He was making us fight over who could get him the best present. [He starts checking the contents of Natalie’s locker while Kutner sniffs the shrooms] This time he’s just making us wonder. No animosity. No ugly competition. I think it’s a real present. Kutner: If it’s real then House really was freaked. If it affects him, eventually it will affect us… Taub: Uh-oh. [He pulls a giant bottle of acetaminophen from the locker] Maybe it wasn’t those kids who poisoned Natalie. Maybe it was Natalie herself. [Cut to Natalie’s room] Natalie: I didn’t try to kll myself. Cuddy: Then why’d you have all those painkillers? Natalie: In case I got a headache. Cuddy: Well, maybe you took a few too many. Natalie: Do you have any kids? Cuddy: No. But high school wasn’t all that different when I was your age. Teenagers can be incredibly mean. I know what you’re going through. Natalie: [shakes her head] I bet you were cool. You’re pretty. Cuddy: You’re pretty too. Natalie: I’m fat. I’m a loser. They all hate me. You know what they did last year? They took these photos of me for the yearbook. But it wasn’t. It was for this website, making fun of me, calling me a pig. Cuddy: Forget about them. Let’s just make you better. Natalie: What’s the point? [Cut to the hallway. Cuddy is talking to Natalie’s parents.] Cuddy: Acetylcysteine could save her liver, but we have to act fast. If there’s any chance that she took all those pills — Mr. Soellner: There’s no chance. Cuddy: Okay. [Cuddy starts to leave.] Mrs. Soellner: She was the happiest, sweetest little girl and… and a year ago she hits puberty and it’s like this… secretive little stranger moved into her room. I tried to talk to her about what she’s going through… Give her the treatment. Mr. Soellner: You can’t really think that she tried to —. Mrs. Soellner: I don’t know what to think. [Mr. Soellner looks at Cuddy and nods. She leaves.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. He’s going through a file. Taub and Kutner are there.] Wilson: If it ‘s a subpoena, he’s gotten that kind of present before. Taub: It was a book. Wilson: That narrows it down. Just look for someone who knows how to read or has been to a bookstore. Taub: Most bookstores don’t carry Joseph Bell “On Surgery.” [Wilson stops what he’s doing and gives them his full attention.] Wilson: Did it have a note? Kutner: Greg, made me think of you. Wilson: Green wrapping paper. Taub: How did you know that? [Wilson fidgets. Taub steps closer to the desk] What is it? Wilson: [nods a few times] It’s nothing. Taub: [He and Kutner look at each other] Yes, when something’s nothing, the natural response is to guess the color of the paper it’s wrapped in and then descend into stunned silence. Wilson: [fidgets a bit more] Irene Adler. Christmas 2001. Sarcoid symptoms but she didn’t respond to methotrexate. I’ve never seen him so obsessed. He saved her with a last-minute Wegener’s diagnosis, but the hours he put in… I thought it would kll him. And then… Well, he fell for her. But it was too soon after Stacy and… It sounds silly, but Irene was the one who got away. Kutner: [quietly] Really? Wilson: No, you idiots. House is just screwing with you. You think there’s some woman with a mysterious green wrapping paper trademark? Taub: Then how did you guess…? Wilson: I could be wrong. It’s possible a secret admirer gave House the same book I gave him last Christmas. [beeper sounds] And the same paper I wrapped it in. And the note I wrote. Kutner: [checking his beeper] We gotta go. [They leave, Wilson returns to his paperwork.] [Cut to Natalie’s room. Natalie is sitting in bed, gasping. Cuddy is checking her out.] Taub: Heartbeat? Cuddy: 150. BP 180 over 110. Crackling three-quarters of the way up. [She gets a syringe from the medicine cart in the room.] Kutner: Guess this means she didn’t try to kll herself. [As Cuddy gives her an injection, Taub holds an emesis basin for her to gag over.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House is at the white board. Cuddy is standing near him. Thirteen, Taub and Kutner are at the table.] Cuddy: Well, scratch the hallucinations. That’s from the mushrooms. That leaves liver failure and now pulmonary edema. House: And you, standing there, beseechingly. Cuddy: Yes. I was going to stalk you at home but it was a busy week and your office is closer. Taub: Thirteen and Foreman were busy drug trialing and we needed an answer on the overdose so we called her in. She’s just updating us. House: [to Cuddy] Convenient. Cuddy: Update’s done. [She leaves] Taub: This is a good experience for me, as my parents never got divorced. House: Theories! Thirteen: Glue sniffing. Kutner: Effects on the lungs would have been immediate. Taub: House. We all know what’s going on here. Cuddy gave you that present. House: No. Infections? Thirteen: No fever. No polys in the sputum. Taub: [standing] I think… [loud, long sigh] I think she loves you. House: [angrily] I told you to lay off the present. [The fellows smile behind his back.] and the LSD. We got distracted by the painkillers. Toxins are still the most likely. Taub: Just tell her how you feel. If you won’t, then I will. I’ll walk right down there. Damn it. Love like this needs to fly free. [Kutner snickers out loud. Thirteen covers her mouth with her hand to hide her smile.] House: You talked to Wilson. Taub: He has very girly handwriting, by the way. House: I knew I should have just wrapped a new present. You said the patient volunteered. Where? Kutner: [checking file] Uh, Pleasant Valley. House: Soup kitchen in Trenton. Thirteen, Kutner — go search the home and the school. Taub, you take the al swabbing of the fragrant and contagious homeless men. [Taub stops smiling as the fellows leave.] [Cut to the cafeteria. Wilson has a salad and an ice cream sandwich on his tray. He’s waiting for his entree] House: Why don’t you just hang out in the video store and tell everyone Kevin Spacey’s Keyser Soze? [He grabs the ice cream] By the way, that ending really made no sense at all. Wilson: You had my present for a year and didn’t even open it? House: I had no way of knowing there was an expensive book inside. Wilson: Completely meaningless prank, even for you. [He gets another ice cream sandwich] House: Stealing your ice cream is a completely meaningless, albeit delicious prank. Observing my team’s reactions to unexplained phenomena could’ve been pretty useful. Wilson: [paying for their food] Of all the ways to mess with people, why give yourself an imaginary present? House: Have you checked the prices for firemen strippers recently? Wilson: Yes. [House pauses while eating the ice cream to stare at Wilson.] The holidays. They’re hard for you. I get it. [They sit at a table] You see the people around you giving and receiving gifts, having sustained, meaningful relationships. And, since you can’t, something deep in your subconscious makes you create the appearance of a gift. It’s sad. House: You really passed your psych rotation? Wilson: It’s too bad you can’t just be nice to people. You could get a real present that way. House: If I wanted gifts, I would just look deep into my patient’s eyes and act like you. “Oh, I’m so sorry you’re dying, Mrs. Moron. Of course I’ll sleep with you. What I lack in skill, I can make up for in…” Wilson: You just wind up insulting her. Perhaps calling her “Mrs. Moron.” House: Right, because I’m physically incapable of being polite. Wilson: Being kind in a sustained, meaningful way? No. House: Oh, I get it. You’re trying to get me to prove you wrong. Then I’m gonna be nice to all my patients all through the holiday season and then Mr. Potter won’t steal Tiny Tim’s porridge. I’m totally on it. Wilson: Yeah. That actually is what I’m trying to do. And the pathetic part is, it’s not going to work. House: [thoughtfully] You’re right. I gotta stop being such a jerk. [Wilson looks at him. He takes Wilson’s second ice cream sandwich.] Oops. Kinda undercut myself there. [He leaves] [Cut to TV lounge in a residence. Janice, the patient with advanced Huntington’s is watching TV. Thirteen enters.] Thirteen: Janice? I’m Remy. I’m — Janice: Yeah! I remember you. Thirteen: I heard you left the trial. Janice: Yeah. Thirteen: If there’s some way I could help… Janice: Um. It… it was that doctor. He… The one that was running the test. Thirteen: Dr. Foreman. Janice: Yeah. Thirteen: He’s a great neurologist. He’s… a great guy. Janice: Huh. You like him. [laughs] Thirteen: Why don’t you? Janice: I told him that those injections were making me sick in my stomach and he just gave me antacid. Thirteen: We were warned that nausea’s a side effect and giving you antacids is all he really could do. Janice: No! He told me… “Get over it.” With or without these drugs, I don’t have a long time. I’m not gonna spend it being his guinea pig. [Cut to PPTH lobby. House is about to enter the clinic.] Taub: House. It’s tuberculosis. House: You got that from an al swab? Man, you’re good. Taub: It was a more subtle clue. Homeless guy, uncontrollably hacking up blood. Cough’s lasted two months. He was cachectic. House: [removing his jacket and swiping a lab coat from a chair back] Unless you can tie him to the patient… Taub: Yes. Again, if only there was some subtle clue like the fact that he was standing next to her in the soup line for a week. House: I hate spunk. Taub: TB can cause lung failure, liver symptoms… Fits. House: Start her on the standard regimen. [He heads for an exam room] Taub: Uh, you don’t have clinic duty today. House: Who says it’s a duty? [Cut to exam room. A woman is slouched on the table. House enters.] House: Hi. I’m Greg. Whitney: Hi. I’m Whitney. House: Hi, Whitney. How can I help you? [He limps to a stool and sits.] Whitney: I have a… a terrible headache. House: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll get you fixed up. Is there anything else you need like a bottle of water? Coffee? Mint tea? Whitney: No, but that’s so nice. Usually the clinic doctors are kinda rushed. House: If you can’t be nice, why be a doctor. So, where do you feel the pain? Whitney: In the back of my head here. House: Uh, huh. It’s Beccaria’s sign. That’ll be gone by your third trimester. Whitney: Uh, I’m not in school. House: [deep breath] Neither is your fetus. Whitney: Oh, God. House: You didn’t know that you were pregnant? Whitney: How do you… You know that just from the headache? House: How do I know? I missed my period. I got fat, threw up. Oh no, wait. That’s how you know. Whitney: What? House: I know because of the tight shirt stretched over the swollen boobs, the salt craving you imported into the clinic, [gestures at the almost empty bag of chips next to her] the motion sickness patch that doesn’t do anything for the kind of sickness that you feel in the morning. Whitney: I’m a virgin. So’s my fiancé. House: I believe him. Whitney: Aren’t there other ways I could get pregnant like sitting on a toilet seat? House: Absolutely. There would need to be a guy sitting between you and the toilet seat. But yes, absolutely. [She looks at him imploringly. He rolls his eyes] I was doing so well. [House gets up and walks out, leaving Whitney alone and confused.] [Cut to Natalie’s room. Mrs. Soellner and Cuddy are both masked. Natalie starts to seize.] Cuddy: Natalie? Mrs. Soellner: Oh God, Natalie. Cuddy: She’s having a seizure. Put her on her side. [They roll Natalie over] Nurse! Mrs. Soellner: Is this from the TV? Cuddy: Not with the supple neck. I don’t know what this is. Four milligrams lorazepam. [Cut to Natalie’s parents with her.] [Cut to Diagnostics DDX] House: Liver, lungs and now, brain. Which has mysteriously reappeared. [The word “brain” had been crossed out on the white board. He puts a check mark over it.] Speaking of mysteriously reappeared… [He puts a check mark over the crossed out word “Cuddy.”] Cuddy: Here ALT’s twenty times normal. Transaminases and PTs way up. She’s gonna lose her liver. We gotta get her on a transplant list. House: You keep showing up. You also keep leaving. It’s possible that you have the hots for me but really, really hate this kid. It’s also remotely possible that I have that reversed. Cuddy: She’s a nice kid. I wanna make sure she’s okay. Hepatic fibrosis? Thirteen: Normal complement level. Normal sized liver. House: Does she remind you of… you? No. You weren’t a loser in high school. You had every Tom, Dick and Herschel wet dreaming about you. But she could be making you think of another helpless, chubby little girl you recently met. Cuddy: You’re not really making this about the baby I tried to adopt. House: Been a few weeks. Just enough time to get over hurt feelings… Cuddy: Natalie’s 16. I think you’re confusing being maternal with being human. [He stares; she looks away first.] If we hadn’t ruled out the mushrooms — Kutner: Maybe we shouldn’t have. Forget toxic, think allergic. Severe mold allergy could cause liver failure, respiratory arrest and encephalopathy. Thirteen: She ate the shrooms days ago. There’s no way she’d still be sick. House: Unless it also gave her a fungal infection. Give her a prick test and antifungals. [The fellows leave. After looking at House for a moment, Cuddy leaves too.] [Cut to clinical trials area. Thirteen enters.] Foreman: Hey. Thank you for the gift. I really appreciate it. Thirteen: [nods and smiles] I spoke to Janice. Foreman: Is she okay? Thirteen: Yeah. Her nausea… She said you told her, like, get over it? Foreman: And? Thirteen: Nausea isn’t something you can overcome with sheer will power. Foreman: Which is why I didn’t prescribe will power. I prescribed antacids. If she can’t handle that, she’d have to leave the trial anyway. Thirteen: [nodding] Just call her, say you’re sorry. She’ll come back. Foreman: No. Thirteen: God, you’re acting like House now. Foreman: [very angry] No, I’m not acting like House, which is exactly why I don’t need to apologize. I’m not being cruel. I’m not being manipulative. Thirteen: You said the same thing to me when I told you I was having a hard time. Foreman: And it worked. Thirteen: She’s a 40-year-old woman who’s falling apart, physically and emotionally. She’s dying. Foreman: Look. I know seeing the ghost of your Christmas future is tough, but the only way I can help her is by making sure she follows her regimen, not by becoming her life coach. Thirteen: You’re not acting like House. You are like him. [Cut to Clinic. House is at the desk. Whitney sees him.] Whitney: Dr. House? This is my fiancé, Geoff. Geoff: She says you told her you can get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat. House: [takes a deep breath and adjusts neck] I said those words but with a particular inflection. [He turns back to the desk] Geoff: I knew it wasn’t true. Whitney: [grabs House’s arm] Well, isn’t there any other way? Isn’t it possible? House: There was a reported case of a Civil wr soldier who was sht in the testicles and the… musket ball carried the… non-musket ball into the uterus of a woman working in a neighboring field. Nine months later, a miracle child was born. [to Geoff] Also, maybe she cheated on you. Geoff: [looking at Whitney sadly] You made a promise. Whitney: We do… we do other stuff in bed. Couldn’t some of his sperm have made it up there somehow? House: More likely, it came from the guy who’s penis made it up there somehow but sure, anything’s possible. Geoff: I want a paternity test. House: [sotto voce] Tell him that amnios are dangerous this early on in the pregnancy. Whitney: Are they? House: Who cares? He doesn’t know. Whitney: [taking Geoff’s arm] No, we’ll… we’ll do the paternity test. [House looks at her quizzically and leaves.] [Cut to Natalie’s room. Kutner and Taub are inspecting her back.] Taub: No reaction. Natalie: That’s bad? Taub: If you had a mold allergy, it would explain your symptoms. Kutner: We’ll find out what’s wrong. Don’t worry. And, uh, I know some things are hard to talk about with your parents around, but kids can be really mean. There are people you can talk to, programs… Natalie: I… I’ll be okay. Kutner: You’re in good spirits. You feeling better? Natalie: No. I was just doing my homework. I’m such a dork, I guess that cheers me up. Kutner: Your parents brought it? Natalie: No, Simon did. Kutner: The jock-y kid in your class? Natalie: Yeah. He just left. [Kutner and Taub look at each other. Kutner presses the intercom to the nurses’ station that’s over the bed.] Kutner: Security? [Cut to lobby. Kutner and Taub, with a security guard behind them, are talking to Simon.] Simon: I was just bringing her her homework. Kutner: You helped bully this little girl and completely refuse to accept responsibility. No way you came here out of compassion. That only leaves guilt. What did you do to her? Simon: Nothing — Kutner: Stop lying or I’ll take the drugs I found in your locker down to the copy, you slimy little jerk. [Taub takes his arm and they step away.] Taub: This kid didn’t do anything to you. Kutner: This isn’t about me. Taub: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. You were bullied yourself when you were in school. Take it easy. Kutner: I wasn’t bullied. Taub: Right. The Indian foster kid whose parents were sht in front of him. You were clearly homecoming king. [Kutner turns back to Simon.] Kutner: Let’s try this again. Just tell me — Simon: Honestly, you don’t understand. [exhales] We used to be friends. And I’d be friends with her now if, you know, people wouldn’t make fun of me. Kutner: There’s nothing you could tell us that’ll help? Simon: Did she mention she used to drink a lot? Kutner: No. How do you know that? Simon: Look, don’t tell anyone, all right? I had my brother’s ID and I kinda supplied people. I used to get her a few bottles of vodka each week! Kutner: Why’d you stop? Simon: [shrugs] She got her own ID. Said it was cheaper buying it herself. Kutner: You can go. [Simon leaves] Taub: I think we got our diagnosis. Our little girl’s a drunk. [Cut to Natalie’s room.] Natalie: I don’t drink. I did it back then, but… Cuddy: You could die. We can’t get you on the transplant list until we know why your liver is failing. Alcohol abuse would explain that. The seizures could be from withdrawal. Natalie: I haven’t drunk in six months. I didn’t even drink that much back then. Cuddy: A couple of vodka bottles a week… Natalie: I didn’t open half of them. I just bought them because… you know… ’cause Simon was selling them. We used to be friends and that’s like the only way I could get him to even talk to me. Cuddy: Then why did you stop buying from him? He said you got your own ID. Natalie: I don’t know. Cuddy: See, that’s not a good answer. Remember when you asked me if I had any kids? I don’t. I don’t know, maybe it has nothing to do with it, but I was good at school, good at work, lousy at life. I screwed up every relationship I ever had. I thought ‘why would I want to bring a child into this?’ But then I got older and… [long pause] how you feel now will pass. Don’t let it screw up your whole life. Natalie: It’s already screwed up. [Cut to clinic. A middle-aged woman is sitting on the table. House is wearing the lab coat again.] Anna: My asthma. They said they’d fix it but it didn’t make any difference at all. House: Well, sometimes doctors make mistakes, [looks at the chart] Anna. We need to try twice as hard to fix them. You using your inhaler? Anna: All the time. Go through one a week. House: You sure you’re using it right? Anna: Do I look like an idiot? House: No. Why don’t you show me how your inhaler works? [She takes the inhaler out of her purse and sprays once on either side of her neck, under her ears, as if she were applying perfume. House sits, expressionless.] [Cut to clinic area. Anna is walking out of the exam room.] Anna: Jerk. [Cuddy looks at her. House comes out of the exam room.] Cuddy: Uh, what was that all about? House: Jamaican chicken recipes. Cuddy: The parents said no to the benzos but I still think Natalie’s not being honest with me. House: So she’s willing to die to cover up some boozing. Cuddy: She’s very depressed. She feels like she deserves what the other kids are dishing out on her. I think she either wants to die or she wants the attention that dying gives her. House: [throws up his hands] I have no idea why you care so much. Tell Kutner to start her on benzos. Cuddy: House, the parents just — House: Uh, uh, uh. Not the alcoholism. Seizures. Totally different. [over his shoulder as he walks away] Don’t need their approval for that. [Cut to exam room. Whitney and Geoff are waiting as House enters.] House: You sure you want to know? If it makes it any easier, I’m going to tell you anyway Whitney: We want to know. [House blows air, in a puh, puh, puh fashion as he looks at the chart. He continues to look, saying nothing.] Geoff: What does it say? House: [holds up his hand] Don’t leave. [He leaves, looking serious. Whitney and Geoff look at each other.] [Cut to Clinical Trials area. Foreman is doing paperwork. Dr. Schmidt enters, carrying a heavy cardboard file box.] Schmidt: You go home last night? Foreman: I meant to. Started reading this file and just couldn’t put it down. Let me ask you… That patient who dropped out, the one I told you about? Schmidt: Yeah. Foreman: You think I should pursue it more? Schmidt: No. Patients drop out. That’s why we start with hundreds. Foreman: Well, I just thought, if there’s an easy way to make the people who drop off come back, then why not? Schmidt: They’re not people. Foreman: Really? I thought the zombie trials were all completed during phase two. Schmidt: You can’t see the patients as people. You can’t even see them as patients. They’re numbers. Foreman: Look. A friend of mine has this disease. Schmidt: I don’t wanna know. There’s a reason this is double blind. Any personal stake we have skews the studies. Science is not about human relationships. It’s about results. You know that. You work for House. Why do you think I brought you on as my partner? [Foreman broods about this] [Cut to hallway outside Natalie’s room. Mrs. Soellner runs out.] Mrs. Soellner: Dr. Taub! [Back in the room] Mr. Soellner: She was talking to me and she just passed out! Taub: Her heart’s slowing down. [He lowers the bed] Mr. Soellner: Can you fix it? [loudly] Can you fix it? Taub: I’m trying. [to nurse] Push one amp atropine. [Cut to clinic room. Whitney is almost asleep on the exam table. Geoff droops in a chair. They get up as the door opens.] Geoff: Been waiting here for six hours. Am I the father or not? House: No. [Geoff takes his hand off Whitney’s shoulder] But, she also didn’t cheat on you. [Geoff stands there with his mouth in a wide O. House slowly hooks his cane on the scale and limps to the table.] House (continues): [CGI accompanies his description] Normally, sperm meets egg, DNA meets DNA, goes back to her place. Cells divide. Nine months later, joy is bundled. That’s normally. Abnormally, an egg could have two naturally occurring gene mutations that don’t naturally occur together. Spontaneous calcium spike could prep the egg for fertilization without sperm and a division mistake could let the egg split up without ever needing male DNA at all. Parthenogenesis. A baby without a daddy. In humans it’s only ever been theorized, but it was never proved. Until now. [He holds up two sheets of paper, gesturing with one, then the other] Mommy, baby. Your daughter has only maternal DNA. I personally checked this five times. In seven months you will have… a virgin birth. [Geoff is overcome.] Merry Christmas. [He leaves.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference room. Cuddy is with the fellows as House enters and tosses his backpack toward his office.] House: Gotta tell you about this clinic patient. Cuddy: Natalie’s liver’s continuing to fail and now bradycardia. Atropine isn’t keeping the heart rate up. We’re gonna have to put her on a pacemaker. House: Alcohol withdrawal would cause her heart to race, not crawl. Kutner: There’s nothing structurally wrong with her heart. EKG, echo, electrolyte panel — all normal. Cuddy: Multiple endocrine syndrome? Thirteen: Free T-4’s normal. Hypothalamic brain tumor? Taub: Didn’t come up on the CT scan. House: It’s hitting all her organs. Could be the blood. What’s her alk phos? Thirteen: [checking the chart] 300. Cuddy: [shaking her head] It can’t be leukemia. [House takes the chart and leaves. Cuddy follows him.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. Cuddy and House are there.] Cuddy: High alk phos could also be from liver failure. She’s a teenager. Means bone growth and destruction could throw it off. Wilson: Maybe, but it’s higher than you’d expect. Start her on chemo. House: And do a bone marrow to confirm. Cuddy: Why are you ordering tests instead of treatment? Her heart and liver are about to give up. Do whatever you need to. House: Why are you so attached to this girl? [Cuddy opens her mouth but nothing comes out.] It’s your call. [He leaves] Cuddy: He doesn’t want us to treat her. Wilson: If it’s leukemia, even if we kll every cancer cell, her heart and liver are too far gone. Cuddy: A double transplant — Wilson: With brain involvement? The committee won’t even open the file. There’s no reason to put a dying girl through a painful treatment if you can’t save her. [Cuddy lets this sink in] He’s being kind. Cuddy: [rising] I’ll arrange a biopsy. [Cut to the TV lounge at Janice’s home. A black and white Christmas movie is on the TV.] Foreman: Mrs. Burke? We are conducting another trial in tandem with yours. Same drug, lower dose. The nausea will be less. I did some checking. I can switch you. Here's the forms if you want back in. [Janice watches him as much as the jerking of her head allows but doesn’t say anything. He puts the forms on the table and leaves.] [Cut to House’s office. Cuddy enters.] Cuddy: What if we're wrong? Maybe we shouldn't have overlooked autoimmunes. High sed rate — House: We went over this. Normal complement level. [He shakes his head slightly] Cuddy: So it isn't hepatic fibrosis. Could still be microangiopathic vasculitis. [She takes armload of papers from visitors chair, puts them on his desk and sits.] With high-dose steroids, we might be able to reverse the — House: You run a hospital that treats thousands of patients every day. Some of them die. Every day. If you're gonna get this worked up over every one of them… [He sorts through the pile Cuddy put on his desk while he speaks. He reaches a gift-wrapped box and grabs it and his cane] Yes! BRB Cuddy: What is it? House: Thank you from a patient. Cuddy: For you? [She follows him into the hall] House: I saved her marriage by showing that her pregnancy was the result of parthenogenesis. Cuddy: Human parthenogenesis? You proved — House: Yep. It's unbelievable. But I personally checked it five times. Cuddy: How did you check it five times? The cycler's broken. You would have had to send it out. It would have taken — House: Oh, yeah. That does sound impossible, now that I think of it. I guess the better explanation is that the paternity test showed she cheated so I faked the whole parthenogenesis thingy. [He opens Wilson’s door.] Cuddy: What? Why? House: I win. [He tosses the gift to Wilson who catches it.] Cuddy: You faked a scientific miracle just to win a bet with Wilson? [She follows him back to his office.] House: Mmm, more an argument. I realize it would have been simpler to just fake the paternity test, but hey — Christmas spirit and all that. Cuddy: I think you're confusing nice and evil again. Letting a woman deceive her husband by inventing a virgin birth just so you can— House: And it obviously would have been more fitting if the baby had been born on Christmas, not just invented then. Cuddy: It's not leukemia. Seizures, liver failure — It's eclampsia. House: Which means we don't have one d*ad patient. We have two. [Cut to Natalie’s room. Her parents are with her.] Cuddy: Um, you have a disease called eclampsia. It causes liver failure, pulmonary edema, and seizures. It's also associated with cardiomyopathy. Mrs. Soellner: That's a pregnancy disease. You tested her when she came in. Cuddy: Uh, you can get eclampsia up to a month after giving birth. Mr. Soellner: That's ridiculous. How could she hide a pregnancy? Cuddy: Loose clothes. She's heavy to begin with. It was probably premature. If it was three weeks ago, they could have missed it on a physical exam. [to Natalie] The baby's why you quit drinking, isn't it? Why you asked me if I had kids. Why you feel guilty. Natalie: I'm sorry. Mr. Soellner: Who did this to you? Natalie: Simon. He wasn't bad. We were like boyfriend/girlfriend for a while, we just didn't tell anyone. He doesn't even know about… Mrs. Soellner: What happened to the baby? Natalie: I was gonna give it away. If they found out at school… I was at the Soup Kitchen and she started coming. There was this empty house down the street, but then she wasn't breathing. I tried so hard, but I couldn't do anything. I'm... so sorry. If I had her in a hospital, maybe she'd be alive. Mrs. Soellner: Can you cure this? Cuddy: The damage to the heart and liver are permanent. Natalie: I'm gonna die? Cuddy: I'm sorry. Natalie: I didn't even bury her. I just put my coat over her. [Everyone is teary. Mrs. Soellner pats Natalie’s head and kisses her.] [Cut to deserted house. Cuddy enters with a flashlight. It’s snowing outside. She walks from room to room, entering one with lamps. On the table is a full ashtray and a crack pipe.] Michael: Get out of my house. Cuddy: I'm a doctor. Michael: I don't care who you are. Cuddy: Did you, uh... find the body of a baby? Michael: I said get out. [He advances on Cuddy who backs into a wall. A woman calls from the next room.] Woman: Michael? Who are you? [She enters the room, carrying a baby.] Cuddy: That's not your baby. You're tiny. There's no way you gave birth three weeks ago. Woman: She's my sister's. Cuddy: That baby is sick. She needs clean water. She needs real heat. She was probably born with a partially blocked airway and… might even have brain damage. You can't take care of here in a place like this. Michael: Shut up. Woman: I took care of her. Cuddy: I know. You found her. You saved her life. Now you have to let her go. [The woman, who is shaking from withdrawal, rocks the baby and looks at Cuddy. Cuddy looks back at her.] [Cut to Natalie’s room. Her parents are with her. Cuddy, carrying the baby, enters.] Natalie: Who is that? Cuddy: It's your daughter. She was alive. People found her and took care of her. [Natalie sits up with her parents’ help. Cuddy hands her the baby.] Natalie: [whispering] She's beautiful. [Musical montage to “Whisper” by A Fine Frenzy. Natalie looks at the baby. Cuddy looks at Natalie. Simon comes to the doorway where Kutner is standing. Kutner talks to him. Simon stares into the room.] [Cut to PPTH lobby. Kutner comes out of the elevator. He’s wearing his jacket and strides through the annual Christmas party.] Cameron: Kutner. No transplant? Kutner: We appealed. Too sick. Cameron: How much time does she have left? Kutner: A couple of days at most. Chase: What about the baby? Kutner: Seems healthy, but it's too early to tell. She's in the hospital for observation for a few days, but after that — [shrugs] Taub: Best case, winds up with her teenage father who just got voted captain of the varsity bullying team. Kutner: He's just a kid. [He starts to leave. Taub walks after him.] Taub: You all right? Kutner: I gotta go. [Cut to a brownstone. Kutner walks up the steps in the snow. He wipes his feet and rings one of the buzzers. A man opens the door.] Kutner: Jonathan. Jonathan: Yeah? Kutner: It's, uh... it's Lawrence Kutner. Jonathan: Wh — why are you here? Kutner: I wanted to apologize. For all of the horrible stuff I did to you in high school. I'm sorry. [Cut to Neonatal ICU where, for some reason, PPTH puts even those infants who have been exposed to diseases outside the hospital. Cuddy is inside, looking at the baby. House enters wearing his coat. He has the book Wilson gave him unobtrusively in his left hand.] House: What's gonna happen to her? Cuddy: I spoke to both sets of grandparents. It's too painful. They're putting her up for adoption. House: What are you gonna do? Cuddy: I already spoke to a lawyer. I become a foster parent and then I adopt. House: Merry Christmas, Cuddy. [He leaves] [Cut to Clinical Trials area. Thirteen enters.] Thirteen: Where is everybody? Foreman: Down at the party. Thirteen: I heard Janice is back on the trial. Foreman: My Christmas gift to you. Thirteen: I was wrong. You're not House. Foreman: Yeah, well, that's my Christmas gift to myself. Thirteen: We should go to the party. [She approaches him.] Foreman: We should. [They kiss passionately as “The Christmas Song,” the song Natalie’s group was singing in the teaser, plays.] [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x11 - Joy to the World"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a home. It is almost dark. Thunder can be heard n the background. In the bedroom, Jeff is sitting in front of the computer, writing a note with a pencil. At the bottom of the page he writes “I’m sorry” and signs it. He looks at a picture of him with his wife, Lynne, and their son, Zach, all smiling and giving thumbs up. Jeff folds the note in half, removes his wedding ring and puts it on the note. He grabs his car keys and goes to his closet. He looks at a red shirt and pushes it aside. He pulls 5 shirts from their hangers and closes the closet door.] [Cut to Lynne and Zach, driving in the rain.] Lynne: Damn it, Zach. This is the last time I’m turning around. The next time you forget something, you're gonna be on your own. Zach: I can't play without a stick. Lynne: Then I guess you won't play. Zach: I don't care. I suck anyway. Lynne: Don’t say that. Zach: I’m the worst guy on the whole team. Lynne: No, you're not. Zach: Then who's worse? Lynne: Don’t worry about anyone else. Just do your best. Zach: See? You can't name anyone. Lynne: Zach, stop it. Zach: Then name someone. [pause] You can't, can you? Lynne: Donny… Mark… Navid. Zach: You really think I’m better than those guys? Lynne: Yes. [She pulls into the driveway.] Hurry up and get your stick. [She pushes the remote and the garage door opens. There’s a line of fabric on the floor by the door. It’s the shirts. Zach looks puzzled as the sees that the car is running. Lynne, who’s still in the car, takes out her cell phone and dials.] Lynne: Zach, get back in the car. [into the phone as she runs to Jeff’s car and tries to open the door] I need an ambulance at 860 Oakwood Avenue! Zach: Why is dad's car on? Lynne: Get back in the car, Zach! [She pulls Jeff from the car and starts performing CPR.] Come on. Come on! Oh, come on. Don’t do this to me, Jeff! Don’t do this! [Zach has realized what is happening. He looks like he’s about to cry. Lynne keeps working on Jeff. He coughs once as he starts to breathe.] Jeff: I’m sorry. I just… I couldn't take the pain anymore. [Opening Credits] [Cut to House’s bathroom. He is soaking in the tub and grunting from the pain. He flexes his right leg. The scar, while still ugly, has healed somewhat in the three years since Skin Deep.] [Cut to the hospital lobby. House enters, limping heavily. He picks up a message from the front desk. Cuddy enters right behind him.] House: Either I need a new watch, or Mowgli is cutting into your Beauty Sleep. Cuddy: [pulling folders from her bag and handing them to the receptionist.] I was up all night looking at finance reports, and Rachel is doing great. Thanks for asking. House: Proving that you're a better foster mom than a homeless drug addict. Cuddy: Departmental budgets are due this week. House: I’m gonna need an extension. Got some time next decade. Cuddy: Cameron already turned yours in. House: That’s nice of her. Two questions — Why did she? And why are you telling me? Cuddy: Same answer — now you owe her a favor. House: I’m gonna need an extension. I got some time —- Cuddy: House, I’ve got a DYFS home visit on Friday. House: And I’ve got a w-h-o-r-e visit on —- Cuddy: Mama’s busy. You two are gonna have to go play outside for a while. [Cut to House’s office.] Cameron: 32-year-old male with chronic pain all over. House: This is the favor? I was expecting something involving whipped cream and tongue depressors. Cameron: He’s seen seven different specialists over three years. No diagnosis and no relief. House: Oh, I am fascinated already. It’s like I’m treating myself. He gets cured, and I get to learn a valuable lesson about the milk of human kindness. [The team is listening from the other room while they read the file.] Cameron: If I thought you learned lessons, I never would've quit. House: So you're wasting a favor because? Cameron: I think you can help this guy. House: [rattling his Vicodin vial] Drug-seeking patients — Cameron: Don’t attempt su1c1de with medicine cabinets full of narcotics. Thirteen: Sounds like fibromyalgia. Cameron: Sounds like you don't work for House. A diagnosis that provides neither an explanation nor a cure is by definition not a diagnosis. Foreman: The American College of Rheumatology would disagree. There are specific diagnostic criteria. Cameron: Which this guy doesn't meet. Putting pressure on his pain helps, doesn't make it worse. He’s got abdominal pain, severe headaches, muscle cramps that come and go. Taub: And he tried to off himself. He’s obviously mentlly ill. Pain’s probably psychological. Cameron: It is not a sign of mental illness to want to be pain-free. [House is standing at his desk. He pours the last Vicodin in the bottle into his hand. He stares at the pills and the empty bottle.] Taub: It is if your solution is sucking on a tailpipe. Sane people don't attempt su1c1de. Kutner: Not ever? So if you were being burnt at the stake… And someone handed you a gn… Taub: I’d sh*t the guys with the torches. Not one doctor this guy has seen in the past three years has been able to find a single thing wrong with him. What does that tell you? House: [who has continued to stare at the pills without taking them] It means they're idiots. It means we got to start from the beginning. [to Taub] We’ll do a pain profile to rule out psychosomatic pain. [to Thirteen] Search the home. [to Cameron] Go home. [to Kutner, tossing him the empty bottle] Get a refill… And a doughnut. Foreman: I’ll help with the home. [Cameron and the team all leave. House takes the Vicodin.] [Cut to Jeff’s room. Taub is doing the pain profile.] Taub: Choose a statement in each group that best describes how you've been feeling lately, including today. Jeff: I’m not depressed. I know what I did was stupid. Taub: I usually sleep well. I have some trouble with sleep. I have a lot of trouble with sleep. Jeff: I have a lot of trouble. [Cut to the hallway. Taub is interviewing Lynne.] Lynne: It’s up and down. Between the pain and the meds, his sleep pattern's pretty erratic. Taub: He’s a calm person. He’s more nervous than most people. He’s so nervous, he's miserable. Lynne: He’s definitely calm. Sometimes calmer the worse the pain gets. I think talking, interacting with other people actually makes it worse. Taub: Interesting. Lynne: Why? Does that mean something? Taub: No, it's just we've seen that in other… patients. [Cut to the lobby. Taub is interviewing Zach in front of the fountain.] Taub: He can do chores around the house. With help, he can do chores. He no longer can do chores. Zach: He helps all the time. He’s really strong. He used to play hockey. And he was really good too. Taub: I believe there's hope. Hoping for things to get better is a struggle for me. Most of the time, I feel completely hopeless. Zach: He still laughs… All the time. [Cut to Jeff’s room.] Lynne: [voice over] He was always optimistic. He still is. It’s just… it's harder now. Jeff: I guess… I pray for strength more than hope. [Cut to the garage. Foreman enters from the house holding a large plastic bag stuffed with pill bottles.] Foreman: There’s nothing in there but a pharmacy's worth of pain meds. This guy makes House look like a Christian Scientist. He’s also more compliant than House. Kept all the inserts, had daily pill dispensers to make sure he didn't mix them up. [He looks at the car.] I guess if you're gonna go out in a car, this ain't a bad one to choose. Thirteen: If I ever did it, definitely wouldn't be like that. Don’t worry. I’m not making any plans. Foreman: I certainly wouldn't know. Ever since we kissed, you've been avoiding me. Thirteen: No, I haven't. Just been busy. Metal polish could cause nerve damage if he inhaled enough of it. Judging by the shine on that car, he used a fair amount. Foreman: Judging by the fact that he owns a body shop and [holds up a respirator] one of these, I’d say he knew not to inhale. Busy tonight? We can get some dinner. Thirteen: I don't think so. Foreman: So making out, okay. Meals, too intimate? Thirteen: I don't want to kiss you again either. Foreman: Why? Because we work together? Thirteen: No. Because I like you. Foreman: That makes a lot of sense. Thirteen: What doesn't make sense is me getting involved with anyone. Foreman: I thought you'd gotten past that. That’s why you agreed to the drug trial. You can't give up on life because — Thirteen: I’m not giving up on life. I’m just giving up on you. I finally feel like I have a grip on things. I can handle this. What I can't handle is dragging anyone else down with me. [She opens the freezer, which is full of packaged meat.] Does this look like quail to you? [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room. House shakes a couple of Vicodin out of the new bottle and takes them.] Taub: You think he's had food poisoning every day for the last three years? Thirteen: Wild quail can be toxic, cause rhabdomyolysis, which would explain his pain, as well as the elevated CK levels. Taub: So would the carbon monoxide he sucked out of his car. It’s not a toxic reaction. It’s a psychosomatic reaction. The pain profile showed an excessive concern about his physical health, difficulty sleeping, getting out of bed. House: He’s not in pain because he's depressed. He’s depressed because he's in pain. Taub: Not according to the pain profile you ordered. It’s not a diet issue. We should start him on antidepressants for his sake, as well as his family's. House: We’re not diagnosing his family. Taub: We’re not diagnosing you either. House: It’s rhabdo. Push IV fluids, check his urine, do a muscle biopsy. Taub: What muscle? He says it hurts all over. House: Then she'll biopsy all over. Foreman: Where are you going? House: [taking his jacket from the coat tree] If Cuddy can come in late, I can leave early. If you need anything while I’m gone, just ask Cameron to do it. [Cut to Jeff’s room. Thirteen, assisted by Kutner, is sticking a huge needle into Jeff’s leg while Lynne and Zach watch.] Zach: So if he just stops eating quail, the pain will go away? Thirteen: If we're right, it's definitely treatable. Jeff: My arm! It’s starting to — Zach: He needs more medicine. Kutner: BP is down. We need to get him in Trendelenburg position. [They lover the bed.] Thirteen: Jeff, can you hear me? Kutner: He’s arresting. Thirteen: [shouts] We need a crash cart in here! [Cut to House’s bedroom. He’s lying on his back. Something that sounds like a foghorn can be heard. He checks his watch, sits up and turns on the light. He grabs the Vicodin bottle, shakes it and takes some.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. Foreman is hanging up on the speaker phone.] Foreman: He’s not answering his cell either. Thirteen: VQ scan showed a pulmonary embolism. Taub: Means the pain's not psychosomatic. Thirteen: It also means it's not rhabdomyolysis. Foreman: Up till now, his heart and lungs were the only places he didn't have pain. Kutner: Means it's getting worse. [The phone rings. Foreman puts it on speaker.] House: Got to let the phone ring more than four times when you're calling a cripple. Chronic pain and pulmonary embolism, go. Kutner: How’d you know he had — House: You called after midnight. It’s got to a heart problem. Heart only would be consistent with rhabdo, which means Thirteen and Foreman would be singing in the rain, which means it has to be lungs as well. Thirteen: Hypercoagulable state could cause pain and a PE. House: You think the blood clot was caused by a clotting problem. That’s helpful. Kutner: What if it's a cancer syndrome, like Trousseau's? Explains blood clots, multifocal pain, lack of obvious physical signs. House: And why he's gone three years without anyone seeing it. Check his chest, abdomen, and pelvis for tumors. [He hangs up.] Taub: Why did he think only you two would be singing in the rain? [Thirteen takes the file and leaves. Kutner smirks.] [Cut to House’s bedroom. He sits on the edge of the bed, rubbing his thigh. He grabs his cane to walk the two steps to the window. He opens the curtains and see’s it’s not raining. Water drips on the back of his neck. He looks up and there’s a leak in the ceiling. He grabs a t-shirt from the bed, puts it on the end of the cane and pokes the leak. A hole opens in the ceiling and dozens of gallons of water drench House.] [Cut to MRI. Jeff is in the machine, Kutner and Taub in the monitor room.] Taub: Bone windows are normal. Kutner: Checking for cancerous masses in the lungs. So, uh, who do you know who committed su1c1de? Taub: Hemingway, Goebbels, Romeo and Juliet. Kutner: Your mom? Dad? Taub: Saying I wouldn't do it under any circumstances means my whole family was suicidal? Kutner: Nope, but categorically insisting there are no circumstances means you've got baggage — Personal betrayal, abandonment. Kutner: Just because you grew up in a Charles Dickens novel… Kutner: Well, it's people like me who don't do it. When your life sucks from the beginning, there's nowhere to go but up. Taub: Thorax is clear. No tumors in the lungs. The only betrayal comes from father of the year in there. He has a wife, a kid — People who count on him to have a pulse. Kutner: Okay. Switching to high-res cuts of the abdomen. Taub: My parents live very happily in Queens. They never attempted, thought about, or attempted to think about committ — [sees Kutner staring at the monitor] What? Kutner: There, along his diaphragm. Taub: That’s not cancer. [Cut to a man looking at a crawlspace with a flashlight. He’s on a ladder in House’s bedroom. House is sitting by the door, tapping out an asymmetrical rhythm with his cane.] House: No hurry. I already bathed once this week. I wouldn't want to look elitist. Plumber: Can’t do anything till I write up an estimate. House: Fine. Pad it all you want. Here’s a check for the deductible. Don’t touch the piano and lock up when you leave. Plumber: Sorry, deductible doesn't apply here. House: Well, I’m no architect, but I’m pretty sure the master bedroom is part of the home, which means the home warranty — Plumber: Doesn’t cover negligence. This pipe goes through the ceiling, over that wall, and into your shower. It didn't burst. It was pulled apart. House: Yeah, 'cause I’m clearly a guy who likes to knock out a few naked pull-ups before I greet the day. Plumber: You hang laundry in there? House: I’m about to hang a plumber in there. Plumber: Look, there's no rust. There’s no corrosion. I don't know how it happened, but I know what happened, and it's not covered. House: So… Plumber: Whenever you're ready to spend the $2,200… Give somebody else a call. [He takes his ladder and leaves.] [Cut to Clinical Trials area. Foreman is bending Thirteen’s wrist back.] Foreman: I promise, I’m only holding your hand to check for choreiform movement. I’m getting absolutely no intimacy from it. Thirteen: I told you, it has nothing to do with you. Foreman: I know. That’s the problem. There’s 80 reasons we shouldn't date, but you can't shut everyone out. You’re gonna need help, support. Thirteen: Look at our patient. 32 years old, not dad yet, and already he's traumatized his wife, his son — Foreman: And I’ll bet they're cherishing every traumatic minute he has left, wouldn’t trade him for the healthiest guy in the world. Thirteen: True. And they're stuck suffering with him, hating every day. Only their pain has no prospect of relief. [Kutner and Taub enter.] Kutner: This a bad time? Thirteen: No. Foreman: [simultaneously] Yeah. Kutner: No trace of cancer in the patient. Taub: But we did find edema in his intestines, air in the intestinal blood vessels, and House won't answer his phone. Foreman: His intestine must be damaged. The air's leaking into his body. Kutner: If there's a blockage in the superior mesenteric artery, it could be choking off blood flow to his intestine. Thirteen: Blockages all over his body would explain his pain, why the cramps come and go. Foreman: Do an angioplasty on the superior mesenteric and find the other blockages before he has another cardiac arrest. Thirteen: I’ll help. [She grabs her stuff and rushes out the door behind Kutner and Taub.] [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House comes in, wearing his outer coat. Taub and Foreman are doing paperwork.] House: Good thing we don't have a suicidal patient with a horrific, undiagnosed pain disorder. Foreman: We did till we diagnosed it. We found intestinal edema and air in the blood vessels. Pain was vascular. House: If it was vascular, we would've seen uneven pulses. Foreman: His blood pressure was uneven. Thirteen and Kutner are doing an angio. House: He had hemorrhages in his fingers. Taub: There’s air in the intestine. It has to have come from somewhere. House: [thinking] Yes, it does. [He leaves.] [Cut to Jeff’s room. Thirteen is helping him into a wheelchair while Kutner explains the procedure to Lynne and Zach. House is in the hall, approaching fast.] Kutner: After we thread the catheter through his groin and into position, the blood will start flowing freely again. Zach: Will that take away the pain? House: It will be completely ineffective, and the pain will completely go away. Cancel the angio. Thirteen: He has air in his blood vessels. If we don't open the artery to his intestines — House: [handing Thirteen his cane] Where can air come from? Hmmm. [He inspects the IV line, started at Jeff and moving toward the IV stand.] Air can either come from a breach in the lumen in the small intestine, or in rare instances, air can come from the air. [He opens a connector in the line and shows it to hem.] Teeth marks. I’m guessing from when he blew into his IV tube. Kutner: Air bubble caused the PE and cardiac arrest. House: You tried to finish the job that you started at home. Lynne: Jeff… Why? You said that you never — Jeff: I lied. I wanna die. Please just let me die. House: No. [He leaves.] [Cut to Rachel’s nursery. Cuddy is changing the baby. House is poking a large, stuffed giraffe on the nose.] Kutner: He’s in a hyperbaric chamber. A dose of high pressure ought to chase the air out of his blood. Cuddy: Is anyone keeping an eye on him, because this whole idea of suicidal watch was specifically created for suicidal patients. I realize how you might've thought the name was just a coincidence. House: Are there any visuals in this room that are key to us learning our lesson? 'Cause the telephone — Cuddy: I’m inconveniencing you because you inconvenienced me. [pause] When was the last time you showered? House: Scent of a man! I realize you haven't experienced it sober. Cuddy: Anyone should be able to handle a depressed pain patient… Taub: He insisted he was no longer — Cuddy: Apparently he lied. Didn’t think I’d have to remind you of that remote possibility. I have a DYFS inspection in less than 24 hours, so if you can't control — Thirteen: Non-motor seizures. [House and Cuddy both look at her.] Sorry, I was thinking about the patient. What were you saying? Cuddy: Go on. Thirteen: The pain started in his abdomen near his intestine. The first symptom has got to be key. House: He’s had multiple EEGs, all of them cleaner and squeakier than Cuddy's rubber nipples. Foreman: What about a glycogen storage disease like McArdle's? It explains the pain. Plus there's plenty of muscle cells in the wall of the intestine. House: Fourteen is right. [Kutner smirks.] Go run an ischemic forearm test. Cuddy: Take the garbage out on your way out. [She hands Kutner a dirty diaper.] House: If you want a man to take your crap, you have to marry him first. Cuddy: Or employ him. [The team leaves. Cuddy jiggles Rachel.] Good girl. [Cut to Clinical Trials area. Janice is there.] Janice: I don't think I’m ready to run a decathlon yet. Nurse: Ah, if we can get you managing your life a bit better, that'll be plenty. Dr. Hadley, whenever you're ready. [Janice waves at Thirteen.] Thirteen: Janice. You look better. Janice: Yeah, they said my basal ganglian volume’s improved. All I know is for the first time in two years, I can drink a cup of water without spilling it all over myself. Thank you for getting me back in the study. Thirteen: I haven't even seen you in weeks. I didn't even know our appointments were back-to-back again. Janice: Well, they weren't. Mine got switched this morning. [Cut to a treatment room. Lynne and Zach are watching as Taub and Kutner set up a test for Jeff.] Kutner: We’re gonna take your blood repeatedly. If the increased strain makes your arm hurt more, you have a muscle abnormality. Lynne: If you're right about this McArdle’s disease, can you take away the pain? Kutner: With gene-replacement therapy, with lifestyle changes, we can reduce it. Taub: [to Jeff] Keep squeezing the ball. [Jeff grunts with pain from the effort.] Lynne: How long does he have to — Jeff: Maybe you and Zach should get something to eat. Lynne: Honey, don't worry about us. Jeff: I’m not. Please get out of here. These tests are all I can handle. [Lynne and Zach leave.] Taub: They’re trying to help you. Jeff: They can't. Taub: Then how about helping them, you know, by not being — Jeff: An ass? You have no idea what I’m going through. Taub: I know it's better than what you tried to go through. [He stands and walks past Kutner.] Kutner: Sure, no baggage at all. [to Jeff] Where’s the pain worst right now? Jeff: Left arm. Kutner: Does it hurt more? Jeff: Couldn’t. Taub: And lactate level is steady. It’s not any kind of glycogen. Jeff: [yells and lets go of the ball as he grabs his leg] Ahhhh! Oh, God! Pain jumped to my leg! That’s never happened before. Taub: Chest, your abdomen — you feel anything there? Jeff: No! My leg! It feels like it's being sawed off. [Cut to Clinical Trials area. Foreman is at the desk. Thirteen approaches.] Thirteen: Nice. Foreman: What? Thirteen: Switching Janice’s appointment time so I could see the skies brighten like a lifetime TV movie. Foreman: I don't know what you're — Thirteen: Sticking your most improved study participant in my face. Is that your way of getting into my pants? Foreman: I don't make the schedule, and if I did, I wouldn't use it as a social lubricant. And this is the first I’ve heard of Janice improving at all. So, hey, thanks for the good news. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House is typing on a laptop.] Taub: Pain started in his abdomen. Now it's hopped from his left thumb to his left leg, skipping the trunk entirely. House: I need the name of a good lawyer. Kutner: We're getting sued? House: Probably. That’s Cuddy's problem. Taub: Hopping pain, means it's something in her brain, not his body. House: Except the pain's in two places that connect to two separate regions of the brain. Which means you're not using yours. Come on, you're from one of the 12 tribes. You know must know a ton of shysters. Taub: What type of lawyer do you need? I’ll bring it up at the next world domination subcommittee meeting. House: Didn’t say I needed a lawyer. I said I needed the name of a lawyer. Taub: Pain hopped to another limb on the same side. It’s got to be central — Kutner: Could still be peripheral. If multiple areas of disc disease — House: Were consistent with a completely spotless MRI. [to Kutner] Who represented the hospital when you set that patient on fre? Kutner: Chris Carrick. House: Chris? That doesn't sound like a very good lawyer. Taub: If we can't even resolve body versus brain, we're never gonna diagnose the guy. House: What was the name of the firm? Kutner: Caddell and Carrick. It’s not like we can chop off his head to see if the pain goes away. House. [types a final period] Why not? [He grabs his cane and leaves.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. House is sitting on the edge of the desk, running his finger over the wood. Cuddy enters, wearing her coat.] House: Need to cut off a guy's head. [Cuddy turns to leave.] Got to figure out if his pain's coming from his brain or his body. [She pauses at the door.] A stiff sht of lidocaine below the brain stem should numb him all the way down to his tippy toes. Cuddy: And hearing me say "no" over the phone wasn't good enough? House: I’m inconveniencing you because you inconvenienced me. Cuddy: You know that foster-care official is coming in the morning. House: If they weren't, there'd be no inconvenience. Cuddy: Do not try and force me to choose between my child — House: I’m forcing you to do your job! If you can't also — Cuddy: Fine, you want to separate a patient's central nervous system from the rest of his body. House: If the pain stays, it's in his brain. If it vanishes — Cuddy: And what about options three, four, and five? His respiratory system freezes, or he dies of infection, or he leaks CNS fluid like a fre hydrant, which would make him wish he were dad? House: You need to scratch option five. He’s already there. Cuddy: You preach objectivity, but as soon as a patient comes in in pain, all you want to do is look under the hood. You don't care if there's a one-in-three chance you'll kll him. House: If I don't diagnose him, there's a one-in-one chance he'll kll himself. Cuddy: [Checks her cell phone which is beeping] I gotta go. Do whatever it is you think is right. [Cut to Cuddy’s living room. There are pink things everywhere. Rachel is on Cuddy’s knees. She looks for the phone and finds it under a sofa cushion. She dials.] Cuddy: Tammy, you said you were gonna be a little late. DYFS is gonna be here in an hour, and this place is a disaster. [There’s a knock on the door. James Carlton, the DYFS inspector, is there. Cuddy lets the phone slip from her ear.] Never mind. [Cut to OR. Jeff is sitting on the table with his back to Chase.] Chase: This should numb everything from your shoulders down. Any pain that's peripheral should be gone. [House enters, not wearing a mask, of course.] What are you doing here? House: Just stretching my leg. Carry on. Jeff: Bad pain day today? House: [rattling pill bottle] About to get better. Don’t worry. He’s making yours a double. Jeff: I remember when the drugs still made things tolerable. I still thought I had good days left. [The nurse helps Jeff lie on his side. Chase drapes his collar with a sterile cloth.] House: Turns out you have to live to find out. Jeff: You don't have a family, do you? House: Left them all back on Krypton. Jeff: You’re alone. That’s why you can handle your pain. No need to put up a front, to be what anyone else wants you to be. You’re having more bad days lately, aren't you? House: [quietly after a pause] Yes. [Chase looks at House for a moment.] Jeff: Take a look at your future. Let’s hope the drugs work this time. [Chase injects the back of Jeff’s neck. House looks up to see Cameron looking at him before leaving the observation gallery.] [Cut to Cuddy’s house. She lets Carlton in.] Cuddy: I really wasn't expecting you till later. Carlton: Had a cancellation, so I thought I’d knock you off the docket. Cuddy: Well, I’m sorry this place is such a mess. It’s been a bit of a difficult workweek. Carlton: Any gn in the house? Cuddy: Uh, no. Carlton: Pets? [pause] Besides the ants? Cuddy: No. Carlton: [looking at Cuddy’s leather tote] Nice bag. Pricey way to ditch the diapers. Cuddy: [removing the diaper] That’s not what I usually — Um, I sort of panicked. Mr. Carlton, if you'd just give me a minute to explain. Carlton: Everything looks fine. Cuddy: Really? Carlton: Dr. Cuddy, you've got sufficient income, a high degree of personal and professional sab, and you care enough to be embarrassed by what a mess this place is. Believe me, that puts you head and shoulders above most of the foster moms I visit. See you next year, if you haven't adopted her by then. [He leaves. Cuddy breathes a huge sigh.] [Cut to the OR.] Jeff: My legs… They’re different. Better. Chase: No pain at all? Jeff: No, but less. Four out of ten, maybe five. [House and Chase look at each other, puzzled.] House: Can’t be. If whatever is causing the pain is in your brain, it's still a ten. Periphery is zero. Jeff: It is? Some of the pain is gone, but not all of it. What does this mean? [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.] Thirteen: Maybe Taub was right. It’s psychosomatic after all. [A gray-haired gentleman enters.] Carrick: Which one of you is House? House: The big black guy. Carrick: [dropping an envelope on the table in front of House] Chris Carrick. Next time you use my name in a thrat e-mail, it won't be just a bill. It’ll be a lawsuit. [He leaves.] House: [to Foreman as he inspects the envelope without opening it] Can you blame me? The last time that happened, the guy sht me. Thirteen: What if the spinal block triggered some sort of placebo effect? House: Guy’s taken the finest opiates Blue Cross can buy. How come they didn't trigger a placebo effect? [Four beepers go off simultaneously.] [Cut to the hallway outside Jeff’s room. Zach is on the floor, wailing. Lynne and a nurse are kneeling beside him. The team rounds the corner by the nurses’ station, followed by House. Passers-by are staring at Zach.] Thirteen: What happened?! Lynne: He just started screaming, do something! Please, God, do not let it be what his father has. [House stands midway between Zach and Jeff’s room. He looks at one, then the other.] House: I think he's faking. Lynne: How dare you?! What makes you think — Foreman: House, the kid's in excruciating — [He’s talking to House’s back.] Lynne: Where is he going? [Cut to Jeff’s room. House starts tossing the bedding around while Taub and Thirteen look on from the doorway.] House: Where is it? Jeff: Where’s what? House: [producing an empty bottle of rubbing alcohol from under the sheets.] His idiot son distracted the orderlies so that daddy death wish here could down a bottle of isopropyl. Get him on dialysis, or in half an hour, he'll be a corpse. [House returns to the corridor and hauls Zach to his feet by the forearm.] Zach: You’re hurting me. House: Remember the feeling. Maybe next time you want to help pops, you'll do a better acting job. Zach: You can't help him. Lynne: Zach, why did you do this? Zach: Because he's not dad anymore. He just wants it to be over with. Please. Please, just — just let him die. [House stares while Lynne comforts Zach.] [Cut to Jeff’s room. Lynne strokes his face. Zach looks tearful.] [Cut to hallway. The team carries on a DDX as they follow House down the hall.] Foreman: Fabry disease might be able to cause central and peripheral pain. House: No angiokeratomata. Kutner: Lightning pain from syphilis. House: All the syph tests were negative. [They silently follow him into the Diagnostics Conference Room.] Why aren't you guys still talking? Taub: Because we ran out of ideas. Thirteen: Nothing explains this. Foreman: Something has to. House: Unless… Nothing does. Taub: So now you think — House: Mine’s a more interesting version of nothing. It used to be something. We can't find anything because whatever injury caused the original pain healed a long time ago. The only thing left is the drugs. Foreman: Opioid induced pain. House: Pain and the drugs that treat pain work by changing brain chemistry, sometimes to the point where pain receptors read painkillers as kller pain. Take him off the drugs. Kutner: We can't cure him, so we're gonna trture him? House: trture is the cure. Eventually his body will recalibrate itself. Taub: Assuming you're right. House: Yes. I find it confusing to assume otherwise. Thirteen: How would you like to stop taking Vicodin? House: Good thing I’m not the patient. [Cut to Cuddy’s house. There’s a knock on the door. Cuddy sees who it is.] Cuddy: It’s open. [Wilson enters carrying a giant, stuffed duck. She laughs.] Thank you. Wilson: Is it too big? Cuddy: She’ll grow into it. You can put it there. [She points to a chair.] Wilson: I take it the home inspection was pushed back. Cuddy: I passed. Wilson: You do realize that's a good thing? Cuddy: This place was a disaster. I had to stash a dirty diaper in my briefcase. Wilson: So you buy another briefcase. Cuddy: I let House supervise himself. That’s like handing a 12-year-old the keys to the liquor cabinet and the car. Wilson: You passed the inspection. The patient lived. The car is still in the driveway. And the next time my nanny gets sick when House wants to saw someone in half? Wilson: Did I mention you passed the inspection? Cuddy: I passed by their meager standard. I failed by mine. Wilson: Why do women always do that? Cuddy: Fail? Wilson: Create ridiculous standards that no human could meet, with your careers, with your kids. You got to be more like us men. Cuddy: Be lazy? Blame others? Wilson: Get help! Most men in your position have a deputy and two assistants at work, and a wife and two nannies at home. You’re not superwoman. Don’t be a martyr. [Cut to Jeff’s room.] Kutner: We’ll be injecting you with naloxone, which will knock the opioids out of your pain receptors. If we're right, your system will recalibrate within a few hours, and most of the pain will be gone. Jeff: Hours? I need those drugs. Kutner: Not if they're causing your pain. Jeff: Then knock me out, sedate me while you — Kutner: That takes drugs too. We need to clear everything out of your system. Jeff: Please, I’ll try anything else. Taub: That’s what we're trying to stop. Kutner: [joins Taub preparing the meds] So it's not your parents. Then it's your wife, someone you were close — Taub: Colleague. We were residents together. I should've done more to stop it. He had the mother of all god complexes. So busy treating everyone's problems, he was blind to his own. Helped himself to a vial of insulin. It’s a miracle he survived. His friends and family almost didn't. He was a selfish ass. Kutner: [as Taub administers the naloxone] It’ll be over soon. [Cut to the hallway. House, dressed to go home, is watching Jeff through the glass wall to his room.] Foreman: This is lunacy. You’re torturing this guy on a hunch. House: It’s the only hunch we've got. If I really wanted to trture him, I’d manipulate a clinical trial in the hopes that he'd sleep with you. Foreman: Are you suggesting I got Thirteen in that trial because of some personal — House: I think you got her in because of your usual Messiah complex. I think you messed with the appointment schedule because of your "I like to have sex" complex. I checked the logs. You moved your most promising patient right before her. False hope being quite the aphrodisiac. Foreman: How’s it false if the trials are showing results? House: Well, if it were that promising, you wouldn't have to change the schedule. But, hey… Hope springs eternal. [He leaves. Jeff continues to moan and groan in his room. Taub and Kutner are in there too.] [Cut to House’s kitchen. A new plumber, Fernando, is on a ladder, checking the scorched ceiling. House leans on a cabinet, drinking coffee.] Fernando: This was a cooking accident? House: First time making cherries jubilee. Fernando: Awfully big fre. House: If you ask me, some of the portions in that recipe were off. [He picks up his insurance policy, which happens to be on the counter and leafs through it.] Sure hope it happens to be covered under, say, section three, subsection 2.2, paragraph one, accidental fre damage, in which case you'd have to replace the entire waterline to fix the sagging pipe. Fernando: I guess so. [House’s beeper goes off] Hate to have your next-door neighbors end up with no hot water. Lucky the fre escaped your pipes entirely. [House stares at the ceiling as Fernando fills out some papers, smiling slightly.] [Cut to Jeff’s room. Kutner, Taub and a nurse are with him. He’s still in severe pain.] [Cut to Jeff’s room, later. Kutner, Taub and a nurse are with him. He’s still in severe pain.] [Cut to Jeff’s room, later still. Kutner, Taub and a nurse are with him. He’s still in severe pain.] [Cut to House’s office the next morning. Lynne is waiting when he comes in.] Lynne: It’s not working. House: I know. I started him back on the pain meds… [He drops his backpack behind his desk. She’s still standing there.] Which means you can leave. Lynne: My son was right. I tried for so long to protect him from… But I’m the one who's been selfish. This is no way for him to live. House: Until we get an answer, it's the only way. Lynne: There is no answer. House: There's always an answer. Lynne: Then what is it? He’s been here four days. Three su1c1de attempts. You don't have an answer. When I saw you… When I saw the cane… I thought, "thank God. The doctor will understand." Because I sure as hell don't. My husband thinks it's over. So look me in the eye, tell me you'd want to live like that. [House looks down slightly and says nothing.] Then sab him. Get him in decent enough shape for the drive home. [She starts crying.] So he can finally… House: [quietly] Okay. [Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. Thirteen, Taub, Kutner and Foreman are there.] Thirteen: There’s got to be something we can do. We can't just let the patient leave. Foreman: We didn't. House did. [Cut to House, lying on his bed, fully clothed, looking at the ceiling.] Taub: Because he realized there's nothing he could do. Thirteen: There’s always something we can do, something else we can try. [Cut to House’s bathroom. He’s running the shower. Fernando is in the doorway.] Fernando: You’re insane. You know that, right? House: Because I have principles? Fernando: Because you paid more to bribe me to lie on your claim than the entire cost of the repair. House: I don't care if I pay, as long as the people who pocketed my premiums for the last nine years also pay. I didn't break the pipe. Fernando: Whatever. If you want to stick it to the man, that's fine by me. [He signs some paperwork and gives it to House.] You happy? House: Nope, but I’m right. [House takes his cane and follows Fernando into the living room. Fernando is putting his tools back in his toolbox, pausing only to scratch his groin. House grabs heads quickly for the door where he grabs his jacket.] House: Lock up on your way out. And don't touch the piano. [Cut to elevator by nurses station. House is in the elevator as it opens. The rest of the team is waiting.] House: Testicles. What do they make you think of? Taub: STDs, testosterone issues, that summer on fre Island. House: Oh, so close. The correct answer is epilepsy. Foreman: Epilepsy doesn't cause chronic pain. House: It does if it spreads to the sensory region of the brain, then rewires the pain neurons. Thirteen: Would’ve shown up on an EEG. House: Not if the seizures are in a place you can't see on an EEG, a place too deep in the brain, like the area that controls the muscles supporting the… [The team stops as they realize what House means. He keeps walking.] Taub: Testicles. [Cut to Jeff’s room. He’s dressed and ready to leave. Zach is sitting in the wheelchair. Lynne is packing.] House: Feels like you got kicked in the nads, doesn't it? [Jeff and Lynne look at him, puzzled.] The abdominal pain, how it all started. It wasn't the stomach. It was lower, right? Jeff: It’s everywhere. House: But when it first started. Jeff: It started in the stomach — cramps. House: Yeah, like bad gas, or a permeating pain… Like your kidneys were being pulled out through your scrotum. Jeff: [sits up straighter. House’s description seems to register with him.] Why? House: Because epilepsy is treatable. [Jeff, Lynne and Zach look at each other.] [Cut to a lab where Taub is recording Jeff’s brainwaves.] [Cut to a lounge. Zach is asleep on a couch. Lynne stands nearby.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s working at her desk while rocking Rachel’s stroller with one hand.] [Cut to the lab. Taub smiles as he looks at the monitor.] [Cut to Jeff walking down the hall, holding Zach’s hand on one side and wheeling an IV stand with the other. Kutner joins Taub at the nurses’ station.] Kutner: Looks like we sht the guys with the torches. Taub: Yeah. Pays to hang around. Kutner: That selfish ass with the god complex who almost made the stupidest decision of his life — Wasn’t your colleague, was it? It was you. Taub: No. [Taub writes something in the chart and grabs his briefcase.] See you tomorrow. [He leaves.] [Cut to Clinical Trials area. Thirteen is curled up in a chair, writing, while getting her IV. Foreman enters.] Foreman: You’re here early. Thirteen: I’m feeling better. [He fiddles with the IV.] What's wrong? Foreman: IV’s leaking a little. It’s no big deal. I’ll be right back. Thirteen: Foreman. [He stops.] You busy tonight? Foreman: No. [Cut to desk outside Thirteen’s room.] Foreman: Rita, the spike on Dr. Hadley’s IV bag wasn't pushed in all the way. Don't want any dosing errors. [He takes a tissue and cleans the medication off his hand in the manner approved of by toxicologists everywhere.] Rita: Sorry. It won't happen again. It stinks, doesn't it? Foreman: What? Rita: The medication. When we switch out the bags, you can smell it. It’s disgusting. Foreman: I didn't smell anything. Rita: Oh, she must be on the placebo, then. [Foreman looks back at Thirteen who is smiling as she continues to write.] [Cut to the ER. Cuddy smiles and nods at Cameron who comes over to talk to her.] Cuddy: You offered to do House's budget because you wanted him to owe you, wanted him to take that case. Why? Cameron: I thought it would help House. Seeing someone worse off than him, possibly curing a guy who has even less to look forward to. [Cuddy nods. Cameron starts to go back to a patient bay.] Cuddy: Can I ask you something? [Cameron stops.] How would you like my job? [Cuddy smiles at her as Cameron frown in confusion.] [Cut to House’s bathroom. He’s filling the tub and testing the water with his hand. He turns off the water and takes a firm, two-handed grasp on the pipe that leads to the showerhead. He hops forward, stops and shakes the pipe. It moves freely. He shakes it again and looks down to see the faucets and taps are quite loose. He smiles grimly and lowers himself into the tub.] [The End]	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x12 - Painless"}	foreverdreaming
[Open on a schoolroom. Several children are running around. A boy and a girl sit at a table, shaking glitter on paper. Sarah, one of the teachers, walks around, observing. Another teacher sits with some of the children at a table. Johnny, one of the older students, stares at the next table.] Sarah: Let's stay focused, Johnny. [He continues to stare.] What are you looking at? Johnny: [looking at the seated teacher] Who is she? Sarah: That's Miss Cindy, Zeke's new aide. Johnny: What happened to his old aide? Sarah: She got married. [She leans over to help him with his art.] So, first, you want to rub the glue on the paper in any shapes you like. Johnny: Why do people get married? Sarah: Because they love each other. Johnny: Why aren't you married? Sarah: I haven't found the person I love yet, because I spend all of my time loving you. [She gooses him and he giggles.] Johnny: Does that mean we can get married? Sarah: Well, love comes in many types, and there's lots of it to go around. [Johnny opens a jar. A lot of green glitter lands on Jessica, who is sitting next to him.] Jessica: Oh, my snow is ruined. Sarah: It's not ruined. Oh, it's pretty. [coming over to her] See, look, I like the green. Jessica: Who ever heard of green snow? Sarah: It's magical. [Jessica pees on her seat. She starts to sniffle. Sarah hugs her.] Come here. We'll get you cleaned up, okay? It's okay. [She sees blood on Jessica’s sweater.] Ooh, are you okay? [Sarah coughs and ends up with a handful of blood with more in her mouth. The children look scared. Sarah passes out on the floor. One child leans over her and say “Hey, hey, hey.”] [Opening credits] [Cut to House entering the cafeteria. He lurches over to the counter, grabs a bagel from a basket and starts to leave. Cameron enters. She’s wearing a blue dress instead of her usual scrubs.] Cameron: You gonna pay for that? House: Nice of you to offer. Now I can actually get some cream cheese. Cameron: 29-year-old teacher. She works with special needs children. She — House: Love what you're wearing. Brings out the blue of the case file, which means it's not from the ER. So why are you here? [He tears open a packet of cream cheese with his teeth.] Cameron: Because Dr. Cuddy is not here. She's decided to spend some more time at home with the baby for a while. I'm taking over some of her day-to-day responsibilities, like babysitting you. House: Interesting. You have your whole life ahead of you. So why would Cuddy want you to die so young? Cameron: She figured I'd spent three years working for you. I was inoculated. House: Good. Fun. You get to exercise your newfound power. I squirm under your thumb, resent the student becoming the teacher, and then push comes to shove, and we all get to realize what our real roles should be. Then you put out. [He takes a bite of his bagel.] Cameron: That's why I took the job. [She hands him the file and leaves. House stares after her, chewing his bagel and cream cheese and tilting his head.] [Cut to House entering the Diagnostics Conference Room. The whole team is at the table. House paces around the room during the DDX.] House: 29-year-old Special Ed Teacher coughs up blood all over Corky. No dyspnea, no weight loss. [to Foreman] Why are you smirking? Foreman: Never thought I'd see the day you were taking orders from Cameron. Kutner: Cameron's in charge? Thirteen: When did that happen? Kutner: You're gonna destroy her, aren't you? House: I am going to do my job. If that involves leaving her a rotting pulp… Foreman: Cameron’s gonna mark her territory. She'll probably over compensate and destroy you. Taub: Bleeding ulcer. Thirteen: [reading the file] Scope of the stomach and lungs were clean, yet she continues to spit up blood from both her stomach and lungs. Foreman: That means it's probably something wrong with the blood itself — Leukemia, Von Willebrand's. Thirteen: Thoracic tumor is a better fit. Erodes into her airway and esophagus — House: Oh, will you two stop it already? Thirteen: Stop what? House: Disagreeing. Thirteen: Okay, which one of us shouldn't have an opinion? House: It's not an opinion. It's a smoke screen. Toss out a lame idea, instead of agreeing with Foreman's better idea because you're worried that'll confirm that he's boldly gone where no man has gone before. Kutner: You slept with Foreman? Thirteen: Sorry. You were busy. House: Drop it, House. We're seeing each other, end of discussion. Anything else isn't relevant. House: It's extremely relevant. Apparently, it colors everything. Now I have no idea if you have differing opinions because you have differing opinions or because you're just trying to prove that you can think for yourselves. Thirteen: How about you just judge our ideas on their own merit? House: Oh, you don't want me to do that. Go run a bleeding-time test, confirm our patient's blood is screwy, then you can come back and pretend to disagree about why. [He heads for his office as the team gets ready to leave.] [Cut to Sarah’s room. Thirteen has a clipboard and a stopwatch. Kutner cuts Sarah’s arm.] Thirteen: Time zero. Kutner: [to Sarah] I'm impressed. You didn't even flinch. Sarah: I just went to my happy place. Thirteen: [opening her eyes wide] We cannot let House anywhere near this woman. Kutner: Where is your happy place? Sarah: My class. With them. [She nods toward the nightstand which has framed pictures of her students.] Thirteen: Passed the first mark. Kutner: It's a great thing you do. Sarah: Not really. Most kids, typical children, you hand them a pair of scissors, and they cut. Well, Tony, he's got CP and when I gave him the scissors, we went on a journey together, learning to get his fingers in those holes, to hold the scissors apart, to hold the paper. I mean, when he finally learned to cut, we both just wept with joy. [Thirteen and Kutner smile at each other.] Kutner: If you ever meet our boss, just yes or no answers, okay? Thirteen: [examining Sarah’s arm] It's not slowing up. No sign of clotting. Sarah: So there is something wrong with my blood? Kutner: Don't worry, we'll run some lab tests to find out which clotting factor is off and then — Sarah: I'm not worried. Kutner: Must be one hell of a happy place. [Cut to Cuddy’s house. She’s in a rocking chair with Rachel. Wilson is there.] Wilson: She's beautiful. Cuddy: I know. I'm lucky. Wilson: Absolutely. What's she like? Cuddy: She's eight weeks old. Are you asking me about her politics or her sense of humor? Wilson: My cousin had a kid. They acted like they knew the thing from the time it was two minutes old. I just… I just thought… Cuddy: She cries, she eats, and she poops. [She stares at him, tearful, then turns her head and pinches the bridge of her nose.] Wilson: What's wrong? Cuddy: I don't feel anything. Wilson: You're tired. Cuddy: I'm not sleep deprived. She sleeps fine. I'm obviously not hormonal. I know I'm supposed to feel amazement. I'm supposed to love her. I just… I don't feel anything at all. Sorry. Maybe I am just tired. Um. Thank you for stopping by. I'm okay. Wilson: Lisa… if you're… Cuddy: I am feeding her, I'm changing her, and I'm burping her. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. She will be okay. Please go back to work. [Wilson puts his hand on her shoulder as he leaves.] [Cut to a patient hallway at PPTH.] Thirteen: It is the blood, but the clotting proteins aren't the problem. Foreman: It's her platelets, looked like they had bite marks in them. House: So now you're agreeing? Either you folded because I gave you crap, or you broke up, or — Foreman: We disagree, you blame our relationship. We agree, you blame our relationship. Don't you see a problem there? House: Yes. Don't you? Taub: Could be lymphoma. House: Not with normal LDH. Kutner: ITP fits. We should start her on methotrexate. House: Absolutely, and total body irradiation. [They reach the elevator. House pushes the button.] Taub: Because she failed a bleeding-time test? Kutner: TBI will promote cancers, kll her digestive tract. House: Don't forget, stop her from bleeding into her brain. Kutner: It's premature, reckless, and potentially lethal. House: True. Must be somebody's job to stop me from being reckless and irresponsible. [He gets in the elevator.] Nobody can stop me from being premature. [He chortles goofily as the doors close on him.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. Cameron is behind the desk. She’s on the phone and sorting through some papers. She looks up as House enters.] House: Got a patient with ITP. Need to ht her with radiation. Cameron: [to person on the phone] I'm gonna have to call you back. [to House] Methotrexate. House: Good point. On the other hand, if she bleeds in her brain, she's gonna need a Special Ed class of her own. Cameron: Fine. House: Really? Cameron: Yeah, if you think it's right, do it. House: Hmmm. Some people thought you were gonna be brutal, marking your territory. Cameron: Who? House: Nobody. Just because I call him nobody doesn't make me a rcist. Cameron: I'm not gonna play games. If you come to me with a request and it makes medical sense, I’ll say yes. House: I need oral sex. I'm pretty sure biological imperative qualifies as medical sense. Cameron: Can I return my phone call now? House: I don't really see how that's gonna be possible. [She picks up the phone and opens a folder of papers. House leaves.] [Cut to hallway. Thirteen and Foreman are waiting for House as the elevator door opens.] Thirteen: Patient won't respond to methotrexate. Bleeding time hasn't improved. House: You have a medical dilemma for me. I have one for you. I need a reason to not do total body irradiation. Foreman: Other than that Cameron said you can’t. House: She said I can. Kutner: Then why don't we just do it? House: Because it's premature, reckless, and potentially lethal. Kutner: Then why don't we just don't do it? House: Because that would let Cameron in on the fact that I never intended to do it. Taub: This is gonna be convoluted, isn't it? House: I figured I'd ask for something really crazy, so she'd sht me down and get the whole "I can control House" thing out of her perky little system. So the next time I went back and asked for something marginally crazy, it would seem marginally reasonable, and she'd say yes. So, yeah, slightly convoluted. Taub: You're screwed. Thirteen: Unless we irradiate her. Without the radiation. We book the nuclear lab. We fill out the paperwork. We bring the patient down there. We do everything but flip the switch. House: Go. Do. Don't flip. Taub: And is there anything we should be doing, you know, to actually help the patient? House: Trust me. In the long term, this'll help all our patients. In the short term, double the dose of methotrexate and add prednisone. [Cut to the cafeteria. Chase is eating. Foreman is sharing his booth.] Chase: Cameron's got the keys to the castle. Foreman: This trial I'm running — the drug really seems to be working. Chase: She's kind of liking the power. I think I'm kind of liking her liking it. Foreman: I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about Thirteen. Chase: She's sort of dressing like Cuddy. Foreman: She's on the placebo. Chase: You can't possibly know that. Foreman: Accidents happen. I found out. Chase: You cannot tell her. You'd be compromising the trial. She knows she had a 50/50 chance of not being on the drug. If you feel like you're lying to her, too bad. Foreman: I don't want to tell her. I want to put her on the real drug. Chase: And you want me to tell you that that's okay? Foreman: Her trial results are already compromised, just from the fact that I know. As long as she's wasting her time, why not give her something that might actually help her? Chase: Valid point, except for the fact that it's a load of crap. Don't be an idiot. [Cut to Thirteen and Taub monitoring Sarah in radiation where they won’t be flipping the switch.] Sarah: So how long until we start the procedure? Thirteen: We already started. Told you you wouldn't feel a thing. Taub: You should lie back. Just stay real still. [Thirteen and Taub go back to watching “Fletch” on TV.] Pan Am Clerk: I'm afraid there is someone sitting next to you. Fletch: Oh, for — God, God, God! Sarah: I have to pee. Can we, like, call a time out for a minute, let me go to the bathroom? Thirteen: Yeah, sure. We'll just start up again when you're done. Sarah: Thanks. Sorry. I… I didn't realize I had to go. Taub: No problem. [She sits on the side of the table and slides off, unconscious. Taub and Thirteen run in from the booth.] Thirteen: Sarah? Taub: [checking her neck] No pulse. Get the paddles. [She grabs the defibrillator and charges it.] Thirteen: Clear! Taub: Got a pulse. It's not ITP. She clearly doesn't need fake radiation. [Cut to Radiology viewing room.] Kutner: No structural defects in her heart. Thirteen: What about a calcified valve or a patent foramen ovale? Taub: Transthoracic echo and bubble studies show nothing. Her heart's clean. Thirteen: The patient said she had to go pee. Maybe when she got up, she started to urinate. Increased the vagal tone, caused arrhythmia, and stopped her heart. House: Who has to go pee in the middle of a nuclear procedure? Kutner: It wasn't really a nuclear procedure. House: She didn't know that. [The others look at him.] People don't die from peeing. Kutner: Heavy metal, toxin. Taub: Drugs or alcohol. Thirteen: Or her own body is making a toxin. Cold agglutinins. Abnormal protein gets activated by cold temperatures. Forbes: Like the classroom with the broken heater and the cold metal table in the procedure room. House: Oh, for God's sake, get a room. Immerse her in an ice bath. The cold will activate her cold agglutinins. Kutner: Causing her heart to race. House: Confirming our diagnosis. Kutner: And giving her another heart attck. House: Lucky for me, there's a flaxen-haired maiden who loves to say yes. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. Cameron is there. Cuddy enters, wearing slacks and a sweater.] Cuddy: How in the world could you approve total body irradiation for a patient with possible ITP? Cameron: It was the right call. Cuddy: There is no medical justification for that kind of — Cameron: Not medically, no. Absolutely no medical rationalization. I had to say yes because House wanted me to say no. Cuddy: You think he was bluffing. Cameron: I'm the new kid. He had to test me. Cuddy: Don't get cute. Don't engage him. Do not play his games, because you will lose. Cameron: You hired me to do this job. Let me do it. [House bursts in.] House: Oh, I'm sorry. Looks like you guys are in the middle of a conversation. I can wait till Cuddy leaves. [He makes himself comfortable in an armchair.] You are gonna leave soon, aren't you? I mean, the nurses have got your baby out there. Not that they're gonna kidnap it or anything, but I figured that the new mother brings the baby to work because she wants to listen to all the cooing. Cameron: If you're gonna wait, you can wait outside. House: Unless the new mother brings the baby to work because she wants to dump the baby, because she hates the baby and thinks she made a big mistake. [Long pause as Cuddy and Cameron stare at House.] You can't trust that Wilson guy with anything. Cameron: Lisa, are you — Cuddy: It's not a big deal. I was having a bad day. House: Is Wilson gonna be in trouble? Cuddy: For betraying my trust in a vulnerable time? No. Why would that bother me? House: He was worried, made a bad choice. It's not a big deal. I know it seems like crap, you probably feel like crap, but it's not. Legally, you haven't adopted her yet. There's no obligations, no strings. It can be undone tomorrow. Emotionally, you'll feel guilty for a while, but the kid… She won't even know you existed. Cuddy: You saying I should give her back? House: Much better than having a mother who doesn't give a crap. Cuddy: Thanks. I'm just gonna go drop it off at the pound. [She leaves.] Cameron: What did you want? [Cut to the lobby. The team is waiting as House comes out of the clinic.] House: We got a green light. Go draw the patient's blood. Thirteen: Why? House: To see if it clumps in the cold. Thirteen: She's making you confirm your theory before you treat? House: She approved the bath. Just thought we ought to do a test to confirm. Kutner: That's more of a yellow light, isn't it? Taub: So she let's you nuke the patient, no problem, but makes you jump through hoops to give her a bath? Why would she do that? Forman: I think she was playing you. House: [getting on the elevator] Go draw the blood. [Cut to Sarah’s room. Kutner enters. Johnny is standing next to the bed. Tammy sits in a chair.] Kutner: Didn't realize the nurses allowed any visitors in here. Sarah: They don't. [to Johnny] We'll just do these problems, and then you have to go, okay? Johnny: Okay. Kutner: I need to draw some blood. I had a crush on my teacher in fourth grade… and fifth. Tammy: It's more that Johnny was a nonverbal autistic. Then for Sarah, he talks, makes eye contact. He's like a regular kid. Since she got sick, he started going back away from us. I had to bring him in for a visit. Kutner: I'll tell you what, I'll close the blinds so the nurses don't ask questions. You can stay as long as you want. We should have the results in about an hour. Sarah: I'll be here. [He closes the blinds and leaves as Sarah looks at what Johnny’s been doing.] Good job. [Cut to the lab. Foreman and Thirteen are running the tests. He puts something in one of the machine. Foreman: One minute at 39 degrees. [Thirteen knocks something off the counter. Foreman catches it.] Thirteen: Oh, damn, sorry. Foreman: You all right? Thirteen: Don't be paranoid. I feel great. Didn't expect the meds to work this quickly. Foreman: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You might not even be on the real drug. Thirteen: Several patients have shown improvement. I know my test results have been better. I know I have more energy. Foreman: You ever hear the term placebo effect? Thirteen: I guess I do have a few reasons to feel good. [She puts her hand on his.] But let's not get ahead of ourselves. You're good, but not "curing Huntington’s" good. Foreman: Good. [The machine beeps. Foreman takes the blood out with a pair of tongs.] Thirteen: It's clumped. House was right. Ice bath's on. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. Cameron is organizing the desktop. Foreman answers.] Foreman: Got a sec? Cameron: Don't be an idiot. [He thinks for a moment then leaves.] [Cut to Sarah in the ice bath. She’s wired with electrodes and shivering.] Kutner: I know it's hard, but you need to stay in there for three minutes. Sarah: [chattering] It's okay. [Cut to the observation booth. Taub is there. House enters.] Taub: You come to procedures now? House: Only the ones that might involve stopping the patient's heart. Taub: Cameron tell you to be here? House: Shut up. Kutner: Tell me about Jonathan. How'd you get him to come out of hiding? Sarah: He was extremely sensitive to touch, yet he had a… a tactile fascination with newspaper. I mean, he wouldn't read it. He would just… just touch it, crinkle it. I thought maybe that was a way in. Papier mâché and… and it was. He let me into his world. House: Please tell her that talking will ruin the test. Sarah: All the kids — I try to become a part of them, and then have them become a part of me. House: How much longer till the heart attck? Kutner: I wanted to be a doctor from the time I was eight years old. Never wanted to be a pediatrician, though. House: Now they're both talking. Sarah: Well, I wanted to be a sociologist. I was supposed to observe a class. I was sent to room 214, but I went to room 241 instead. It was a Special Ed class, and I just… I just felt at home. Thirteen: Time. Heart rate's normal. Kutner: You can get out now. Taub: It's not cold agglutinins. House: I'm not surprised. She obviously has brain damage. [Taub looks at him.] Seriously. [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room.] Taub: She screwed up a room number six years ago, and you decide she has brain damage? House: Transposed digits. Classic marker for number confusion. Means she has a lesion in her left parahippocampal region. Kutner: I misdialed a phone number this morning. Must be contagious. House: She also forgot to pee before your fake test. Kutner: So she has a small bladder. House: Shows an inability to predict the future. Thirteen: Also located in the left hemisphere of the brain, close to the parahippocampal region. House: Means the damage is ongoing. Taub: Two subtle clues, six years apart. That's hardly compelling evidence. House: I'm compelled. Foreman: That's not what this is. Every time a decent person comes in, you set out to prove that they have brain damage. House: I never said her deranged personality was a symptom. Foreman: You don't need to. I've been here five years. I can hear your thoughts from my apartment. House: Can you hear me now? Foreman: Move onto another organ. House: I did. Kutner: The screwed up numbers and forgetting to pee points to her being a human being. The platelet dysfunction and cardiac arrest points to a pancreatic tumor. House: Or multiple sclerosis. The brain is like the Internet, packets of information constantly flowing from one area to another. Plaques in her brain are like a bad server, slow down the flow. If it's in the parahippocampus, it'll spread to the brain stem, which means it'll be the lungs next. Brain biopsy will show you the plaques. Kutner: Or we could not cut into her brain. It's just her pancreas. We should do an ERCP. House: Well, we could settle this with rock, paper, scissors, but, unfortunately, there are people who adjudicate these disputes. [Cut to Cuddy’s office. Cameron is behind the desk. House and Kutner are standing and arguing.] Kutner: A pancreatic tumor is much more likely to kll her. House: Not this week, not next week, not next month. Kutner: The number confusions six years ago. You don't think we have time for an ERCP? House: The heart attck was six hours ago. Now, maybe it's planning to go into hiding for a couple years, or maybe it's gonna ht her lungs. Cameron: Stop! We have to assume it's the brain. House: I'll go fre up the biopsy drill. Cameron: No, we had to assume it's the brain until we prove otherwise. Do an MRI, T-2 images. House: You want me to do another test? Cameron: You should be able to see the MS plaques. If they exist, you can do your biopsy. House: No. You wanna say yes. You know you should say yes. But you also think that this job is about standing up to me. So you're not gonna say yes. You're not gonna say no. You're just gonna waste time. And the patient's brain, or pancreas, or whatever is wrong with her is not gonna wait for you to impress your boss. So pick one, either him or me. Cameron: Do the MRI. [House walks out and slams the door.] [Cut to Wilson’s office. He’s doing paperwork. Cuddy enters.] Wilson: [looking at his watch] You still here? The whole point of giving Cameron the job was so that you could — Cuddy: I don't wanna go home. [She puts the carrier down and sits facing Wilson.] House told me I should give her back. Instead of being offended, I've been wondering if he's right. Wilson: He's not. He never is, not when it's anything personal, or human, or… Cuddy: No, he's always cold. He's always an ass, but he's very rarely just wrong. I've read every bonding and attachment book there is. I feel like I'm in prison at home. I feel like I'm free here. Wilson: Parents make sacrifices. Cuddy: I don't know if I want to. I'm not proud of this. I feel terrible. I feel like a failure. But she deserves to be loved. Wilson: I… I… I don't know what to say. [Cut to the House’s Office. They’re all staring at the MRI images on his light board.] Foreman: No plaques on the left hemisphere. Taub: Or the right. Kutner: Even magnified images of her hippocampal region, nothing. House: This is surprising. Kutner: So can we cancel the biopsy? House: Go ahead with the ERCP. [Thirteen, Kutner and Taub leave. Foreman stays. House goes to his desk and sits down.] Foreman: I need to talk to you about Remy. House: Who? Foreman: Thirteen. House: What did you call her? Foreman: She's on placebo. House: And you want to change that. I'm the last person you'd ever come to for ethical advice, literally, which means you've already asked every other person, and no one's given you the answer you want. Foreman: Or I respect your opinion, and I want to hear what comes to your mind. House: Has she invited any of her lesbian friends into bed with you? Foreman: I was mistaken. [He starts to leave.] House: Drug gonna cure her? Foreman: [turning back] It looks promising, reducing symptoms. House: No cure then. So, the pros are you might delay the onset of symptoms, give her an extra year, maybe three. She's still dad before you're 45. The question is, are those few years worth risking the rest of your life in medicine? Foreman: No. House: There, that wasn't so hard, was it? Foreman: Thank you. House: You're welcome. [Foreman turns to leave again.] Unless you love her. [Foreman turns and stares at House.] If you love her, then you do stupid things. [Cut to procedure room where the ERCP is in progress. It seems to involve running a black garden hose down her throat.] Kutner: Common bile duct is clear. Taub: No filling defects in the biliary tree. Kutner: Oh, God. Thirteen: What? Kutner: It's her lungs. House was right. O2 sat's down to 89. Taub: Increase to 100% O2. Thirteen: Better get out. [Kutner pulls the hose out. Sarah starts coughing. Thirteen holds an oxygen mask to her face.] Kutner: Do we have to tell him? [Cut to Sarah’s room.] [Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room.] Foreman: The surgeons were able to drain the pleural effusions. The patient's breathing on her own, but she's still pretty weak. House: Lung failure proves that one of us was right. Who said “brain”? Kutner: Yes, you predicted that her lungs would fail, but the MRI was negative for MS. House: I was right about the where, but not the what. A picornavirus could cause localized demyelination that the MRI wouldn't pick up. If we run a nerve-conduction study on the surface of her brain we'll see the dad spots. Taub: Are you talking about cutting into her skull? House: Actually, I'm talking about cutting off her skull, exposing her brain. Kutner: A pancreatic tumor could still fit. It explains the heart, the blood, and her lungs. Thirteen: ERCP was negative. House: [leaning over to hold Thirteen’s hands] And she agrees with me because she agrees with me, right, sweetie? Kutner: All we need is a more sensitive test. Endoscopic ultrasound. House: [turning and grabbing one of Kutner’s hands in both of his] Just accept that you've been proven wrong. Kutner: [adding his other hand to the pile] You were also proven wrong. Why don't I get a second test? House: Because if I'm right about the brain, then we don't have time to indulge your wrongness. Kutner: [getting up to leave] Let me know when Cameron says yes to cutting off our patient's skull. I'll be doing the endoscopic ultrasound. [Taub follows him out.] [Cut to Cuddy’s office. Cameron is sitting on the couch, reading a page from a chart. House opens the door a few inches and sticks his head in.] House: Good news. [He comes the rest of the way in.] I don't need your approval for some crazy, unproven treatment. I just need to do a test. Cameron: You wanna remove your patient's skull. House: Remind me to revoke Kutner’s telephone privileges. Cameron: I didn't realize that was an AMA-approved treatment for MS. House: Not searching for MS, but what set it off — equine encephalitis. Turned a cool breeze of MS into a Cat 5 storm. Cameron: I didn't realize your patient was a horse. House: There's been human cases. Cameron: Not when it's 30 degrees outside. Transmission is by mosquito. House: So she got bitten six months ago, or it's some other infection. Whatever it is, it's running rampant in the left side of her brain. When I get in there, I’ll get you the specifics. Cameron: You're asking me to let you cut off the top of someone's head. I need more than, "I'll know it when I see it." House: So you want proof before you let me go looking for the proof? This is the test. Cameron: You have to give me something. House: Cuddy's gonna love you. The patient, on the other hand, is gonna hate you until the day she dies next week. Actually, this idiot will probably forgive you. [He leaves.] [Cut to the view of Sarah’s schoolroom from inside the wall vent. Foreman is there, removing the vent cover. Foreman: [to Thirteen] You gonna help or what? Thirteen: I want kids. Foreman: Um, I think these kids are already spoken for. Thirteen: Not now. But since we're dating, I just thought you should know. Foreman: But I thought, because of your illness — Thirteen: So did I. Even when I didn't know if I had it or not, I just assumed I couldn't take the chance, but now… Even though I know I have it, it feels like… an option. [Cut to Cuddy’s home. She answers the door. Wilson is there with a gift bag.] Cuddy: You really don't have to keep buying me things. Wilson: Just open it. Cuddy: This is nice. [It’s a picture frame.] Wilson: The picture is actually your gift. That's your baby. I took her picture to one of those places that does that age-enhancement thing. And according to the kid who works there, this is a pretty good approximation of what your daughter will look like 18 years from now. Cuddy: That's, uh, sort of cool. Wilson: Right now she's just this weird little creature that sleeps and poops and cries. But that… is who she's gonna be. You will be teaching her how to ride a bike, giving her advice about friends and school and having her heart broken. She'll ignore most of it, but some of it'll stick. You're gonna be there for her through all of that. You just have to get through this part. That's all. Cuddy: It's very sweet. I'll pay you back for the photo. [She puts it on the table and looks at it.] Wilson: Don't worry about it. It's just the picture that came with the frame. You can chuck it. [Cut to Cuddy’s office door opening. Cameron looks up. House’s cane is across the doorway. Next a file and a baggie appear, held over the cane. Then House appears. He enters.] House: Kid with a raging viral syndrome and three dad mosquitoes. I'm off to storm the Bastille. Cameron: [looking at a vial inside the baggie] These aren't mosquitoes. House: Fruit flies. Close enough. Cameron: Acute viral nasopharyngitis? One of her students has the common cold? House: Team's not what it used to be. On the other hand, Kutner ran his endoscopic ultrasound, didn't find peep. Cameron: So disproving it's her pancreas proves it's her brain? House: Yes. You used to do this job, remember? That's what used to pass for evidence. Cameron: Now I do this job. You brought me three dad bugs and a runny nose. House: I can't find you the proof you want because it's trapped inside her head. And the only way I can get at it is to cut it open and rip it out, which is apparently the one test you won't let me run. So either I do this, or I do nothing. Cameron: What do you want me to do? Say yes just because you're House? House: I'd certainly like that, yeah. Cameron: [handing him back the file] Yes. [He takes the file and leaves.] [Cut to the OR prep room. Kutner enters, tying on his hat. House, in scrubs and a hat, is washing his hands properly.] Kutner: Cameron actually said yes? House: Nope, I'm just obsessive about clean cuticles. Kutner: Sawing off the top of her skull and placing electrodes on her brain is insane. House: Right, we should be retesting her pancreas for the umpteenth time. Kutner: You're skipping steps because it's Cameron. You haven't figured her out yet, and you want to see how far you can push. House: I'm skipping steps because our patient is skipping steps on the way to being dad. If you've got a better idea… Kutner: We should remove her spleen. Splenic lymphoma explains the damaged platelets, the heart, the lungs. House: If this doesn't work, the spleen's all yours. [He heads into the OR] Unless I kll her, of course. [Cut to the OR. There’s a frame over Sarah’s head. Her brain is exposed.] House: Not only will this allow us to clock your brain's processing speed, you'll also get free cable for the first three months. [Sarah laughs slightly. House sits in front of her, wearing a mask but no gloves. He shows her a flash card.] What's this? Sarah: A blue car. Is that part of the test? House: Nope, my lease is up next month. You like? [She smiles wanly.] I'm gonna ask you a series of questions designed to stimulate left-brain function — logic, reasoning, problem-solving. Or as my mentor, Old Ben, liked to call it, "The dark side." If we find slow areas, we know we found damage. We treat. You go home. Ready? Sarah: I'd nod yes, but I can't move my head. House: [showing another flash card] This pen is red. Its ink is red. Is all ink red? Sarah: No. Cameron: Nerve conduction's 12. 8 meters per second. Right within range. [Cut to the observation deck. Kutner is on the phone.] Kutner: Cameron's letting him cut into our patient's skull based on nothing but dad bugs and someone else's runny nose. [Looking down at the OR from the observation deck.] House: There are two pints in a quart, four quarts in a gallon. How many pints in five gallons? Cuddy: [on the phone via loud speaker] House, step away from the patient. [Rachel is crying in the background.] Sarah: Who's that? Cuddy: [to Rachel] Okay, all right. House: That's my old boss. [loudly] And by "old," I don't mean "former." [Intercut between Cuddy’s house and the OR.] Cuddy: Insulting me is not gonna make me go away. House: You're not here. Obviously I'm not trying to make you go away. [He holds up another flashcard.] Hint — the answer is a number. Sarah: Um, 40? Cameron: 12.4 meters per second. Conduction is still normal. Cuddy: Dr. Cameron, you're actually assisting him with this? Cameron: Yes, because I'm actually familiar with this case. Cuddy: [trying to calm Sarah while she talks] Well, I'm familiar enough to know that cutting into this woman's brain is not necessary. Sarah: Is she serious? House: Well, she's certainly not funny. Put the phone down. Pick up the baby. Make us all happy. Cuddy: [doing just that] Okay, settle down, baby. It's okay. We'll be done in a minute. [over the loud speaker] House, I can call security. I can — Cameron: BP's dropping. House: Get it back up. I got a whole stack of these. Cuddy: Give her ten CCs dopamine. Cameron: Already am, thanks. Your baby needs you a lot more than we do. Cuddy: You aren't hungry, and you aren't wet. I don't know what it is. Sarah: Oh, that is so annoying. Can you make it stop? House: Baby's crying is annoying you? [to Cameron] What's her nerve conduction? Cameron: 14.3. It's actually speeding up. But her BP's 80 over palp. We're gonna have to stop. [Sarah raises her hands to her temples and winces from the noise.] House: That doesn't make any sense. Cameron: The fact that you're wrong doesn't make any sense, or the fact that believed that you were right? BP's still dropping. She's gonna stroke. I'm giving her ten more CCs, and I'm putting an end to this. Cuddy: Okay, Rachel, quiet down! I need you to be quiet! Sarah: Please, turn that phone off! House: Why does the baby annoy you, but no one else does? I mean, you're right about her, but — Cuddy: [crying] I don't know what you want! I will give you anything that you want! I don't know what it is! Tell me! Please, just help me! Please! [Rachel stops crying.] Really? That worked? Cameron: She's sab. We're finished here. Close her up. [Cuddy, looking at Rachel, laughs and cries at the same time.] [Cut to the OR. House, Kutner and Cameron are the only ones there. Nothing has been cleaned away from the surgery.] Kutner: How long until we can perform the splenectomy? Cameron: Can't dose her with anesthesia till the last batch completely clears. House: How come the baby annoyed her? Kutner: We should get her in there as soon as we can. Cameron: Two hours at least. Kutner: Her blood pressure's in the tnk. I hope she lasts two hours. House: What was different? Our patient loves all things annoying. Cameron: She'd love this conversation. House: She's an earth mother, takes in the freaks and rejects of humanity and tells them they're a-okay. So what was different? Cameron: Her head was open, you were asking her questions, a baby was crying. House: She had low blood pressure. According to the laws of physics, low blood pressure causes light-headedness, chest pain, but not annoyance. [Cut to House’s office at night. He’s in the Eames chair with his legs on the ottoman. He’s playing with the ball and staring at the white board. Low BP, Int. Bleeding, Abnormal Platelets, Pleural Effusion and Cardiac Arrest are written on it. Cuddy, carrying Rachel, enters.] Cuddy: Move your feet. House: You decided to keep her. Thank you for telling me. You can go now. [She sits on the ottoman.] Cuddy: I talked to her. We connected. House: You talked at her. You had a chemical reaction. Cuddy: Are you trying to annoy me? House: I'm trying to explain you. Cuddy: I know it doesn't make any sense, but it was real. It was there. You want to hold her? [to Rachel] Come here. Come say hi. House: [taking the baby] You think we'll bond? [He holds the baby for several seconds. He vomits on his face and neck. Cuddy laughs.] House: Is that cute? Cuddy: A little. House: If I threw up on you, you'd be pissed. Cuddy: Your puke isn't as cute. [She hands him a napkin and takes Rachel. He tries to clean himself off.] House: That's 'cause of your hips. If she would've just gestated a little longer, her stomach sphincter would be fully mature. But, no, we have to walk upright, which means that baby's head is too big for mommy's hips. And by the way, your hips may be an evolutionary improvement. So we've evolved to find baby puke cute, 'cause otherwise we'd kll them all before they became functional. [He freezes, thinking, then stands and starts to leave.] Bonding's over. I got to go see another baby. [Cut to Recovery Room. Kutner is doing ultrasound on Sarah’s abdomen.] Sarah: So I can just live spleen-free? Kutner: Plenty of people live perfectly normal lives without — House: [entering] Spleen's fine. Kutner: It's not her brain. House: Of course it's her brain. Kutner: You looked at her brain. You took off her skull. You found nothing. House: Didn't look in the right part. Didn't look in the heart part. [He grabs the ultrasound wand and runs it over Sarah’s chest.] In the womb, blood has to bypass the lungs, since they don't work yet. When we're born, we take our first big breath, lungs expand, and the ductus closes. Yours didn't. [He points at the image on the screen.] Kutner: She has a patent ductus arteriosis. House: When you get stressed, your blood pressure goes up and forces open the ductus. Blood takes a little detour, makes it leak from your nose, your stomach, your lungs, and, more significantly, keeps it flowing to the right side of your brain and away from your left. Which means that when you get stressed, you get unstressed. That's why you're so good with those annoying kids. And why, when your blood pressure dropped, you were able to identify Cuddy as an annoying human being. Good news is we can fix the heart. Bad news for the annoying kids. [He leaves.] [Cut to Cuddy’s house. Cameron is there, admiring Rachel.] Cameron: She's incredible. Cuddy: Thank you. Great work today. I should've trusted your instincts. I will in the future. Cameron: I quit. Cuddy: I think I just apologized. If you want, I can get down on my knees. Cameron: It's not because of you. I approved an insane procedure with no proof, no evidence, no — Cuddy: You made the right call. The problem was a brain problem. Without the procedure, House never notices the increased left-brain function. She'd be dad if you hadn't said yes. Cameron: I know. But… I'll always say yes to House. I studied under him. He's in my head. And if you gave anyone else this job, they would always say no, because… well, because they should. House is insane. Cuddy: Which leaves me. Cameron: I'm sorry. [Musical montage. Cut to Sarah, in her bed. Johnny runs in.] Sarah: Hey, buddy! [He bumps into the bed tray, spilling a glass of cranberry juice on her.] It's okay, buddy. Come here. [She hugs him.] Oh, I missed you so much. I missed you. [House watches from the doorway, then leaves.] [Cut to a refrigerator. Foreman’s hand takes an IV bag labeled “Patient # 118” from inside. He puts a new label, “Patient # 213” on the bag. Thirteen approaches, smiling. He smiles back at her.] [Cut to Cuddy running to get to the office. She has her coat over her arm and she’s checking her in her briefcase. The nanny, holding Rachel, is in the doorway behind her. Cuddy runs back and past them. On her way back out she stops to kiss and pet the baby. She starts to leave again. She’s part-way down the hall when Rachel cries. Cuddy freezes, conflicted. Then she leaves.] The End	{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x13 - Big Baby"}	foreverdreaming

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